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I went to Belk 's on the way home and purchased a Lilly light blue polo . I was afraid that it would get gone by the time I got there on Saturday . Plus , it will probably be crowded on Saturday and I want to avoid crowds right now . There are 12 possible cases of swine flu in Huntsville , which is less than 100 miles from here . Sometimes when I try to close a blog , it opens it up about 18 times . I have to turn off the computer to clear it . Has this happened to anyone else ? I wonder what causes it . I hope everyone has a good Friday , and Happy May Day ! TGIF ! ! A few weeks ago , my sister and I hosted a baby shower for my cousin 's daughter - in - law . Today , my cousin called me to tell me that the baby was born this afternoon . A little boy . She said he is so cute and looks like he may be a blond . I am so proud for my cousin . She 's really excited about her first grandchild . My cousin had a very simple upbringing . They lived in an old run down house for many years . Everyone felt sorry for them and then we found out that they had more money than anyone in the family . I guess they didn 't need it . My cousin married the only guy that she ever dated . They both had good jobs and had what they needed and wanted . They were the only couple that I ever met that had everything in common . She retired at 45 so that she and her husband could travel . Three weeks after she retired , her husband found out that he had a brain tumor . He passed away a year later . Even though he had a sarcastic sense of humor , he was a great guy . He would do anything for anybody . We still miss him . On a funny note . . . Today Queenie informed me that the FedEx and UPS paks are made from recycled milk cartons . She figures that is the reason that her cat likes to play with them . I figured that they were cleaned with some kind of chemicals . Oh well , I may be wrong . I didn 't argue with her . Her husband is the one that told her that , and he is a lot smarter than the rest of us . If you don 't believe me , ask him . HA ! I have a place on the inside of my right leg just below my knee that looks like a bruise . It is discoloration that is left over from a mini bike accident that I had when I was about 15 . Because of it , I always wear skirts and dresses that are about mid calf . Today , I wore a Lilly dress that came right at the bottom of my knee . I couldn 't believe that I didn 't feel self conscious . It was hard to get used to . I have two more new dresses that are the same length . Maybe this will get me to wearing skirts and dresses that are a more appropriate length for the times . Thanks to the anonymous poster about Belk 's charity saPosted by In case you are in the area , you don 't want to miss this : Morgan & Company 's Annual Warehouse Sale will be this Saturday & Sunday ( May 2 - 3 ) at the Fairgrounds in Griffin , GA . Sat 8 - 5 & Sun 12 - 5 . Literally tons of merchandise they need to clear out of their warehouse ( s ) and you get the savings . Don 't miss out on the huge savings ( 75 - 90 % off retail pricing ) . . . handbags , jewelry , gifts , monogrammed buttons , photo frames , etc . On - site engraving / embroidery available . I went to Belk 's at the Summit . They had the Lilly blue / white print shirt dress that I mentioned in last night 's post in my size . It must have been meant to be . They also had Lilly polos for $ 39 . 99 . I resisted . While in Belk 's , the sales clerk and I had a nice visit with a lady from out of town . She knew her Lilly . She told me that years ago , that she shopped in the original Lilly Pulitzer store . She was a very nice lady and was very polished . I hope everyone has a nice Wednesday . We closed on the store today . I didn 't know whether to be sad or relieved . Everyone we told seemed happy for us . The people that bought it seem very nice . The girl that worked for us for many years called tonight and quit . She told the new owners some things about us that were not true . She was mad because the new people wouldn 't immediately give her a raise and better benefits . I think they were blindsided by her demands . My mother is going to open the store and stay there until the new owners can get there . I don 't think that they were prepared for her to quit so soon . My mother agreed to help them off and on until they get their ducks in a row . On a better note , my mother and I went to Huntsville Sunday so that she could buy a new computer for her home . She has always used the computer that my dad bought years ago for the store . While in Huntsville , we went to Belk 's . My mother waited patiently while I tried on Lilly Pulitzer dresses that were on sale . I ended up buying two . One is a khaki shirt dress with pink in the yoke and on the reverse cuff of the sleeve . The other is medium blue with a white monkey pattern . I wanted the navy and blue shirt dress that was made like the khaki , but they didn 't have it in my size . Tomorrow , I may stop at Belk 's at the Summit and see if they have it . I 'm going to have to change my profile on my blog from working at the liquor store on the weekends . Any ideas about what I can say ? I hope everyone had a good weekend and a good Monday . Miss Janice is hosting a giveaway . Her prize is a copy of Social Climbers by Beth Dunn . I 've already read the book , but thought others may be interested in her giveaway . So , just hop on over there , read the rules and enter . BFF MAB emailed me yesterday to see if I was going to go play in the park . I didn 't know what she was talking about . She reminded me that there was an art show in Linn Park downtown . I met her there at lunch and walked around for 45 minutes . There was a lot of nice art for sale . There was no junk . If I didn 't like something , it was just a matter of taste and not because it was tacky . I bought a pewter cheese spreader . It had a Fleur de lis handle . I bought it as a present for ME . There was free food , but I didn 't eat . I was afraid that I might pay for it later , if you know what I mean . It was nice to get out and get some sunshine and fresh air . I need to start back doing that every Friday . Last night , I worked at Relay for Life . Instead of a walk , the teams have a booth and sell things . Some sell baked goods , some sell raffle tickets , someone was even selling kisses . I didn 't check them out . Our team sold barbecue sandwiches , popcorn and lemonade . We sold our of sandwiches . We cleared over $ 1 , 000 . There was a lot of good entertainment . That was an 11 year old boy that sang . He was great . He sang a lot of songs from the 50 's and 60 's . The daughter of a former Miss Alabama sang . I didn 't like her choice of music , but she had a great voice . It makes me feel so good to help out with this cause . It is really touching to see all the survivors take their lap . It was scheduled to be from 6 : 00 pm until 6 : 00 am this morning , but we left at 10 : 00 . We were tired . This morning , I went to the Kiwanis pancake breakfast . I got a take out , because I didn 't want to sit and eat by myself with all of the old men . My sister would have , but that 's the difference with her and me . The sale of the store is supposed to close on Monday . Wish us luck . I must be a rude person magnet this week . Tonight , I stopped by the Apple store to get a USB cord for my Ipod . The clerk directed me to the wall where it was hanging . When I tried to reach it , I realized that I was 6 " too short . There was a clerk standing there , but he walked away . I looked around for someone to help , but no one seemed to care . I finally asked a customer if he would mind getting it . He got it for me without complaint . Now to sync my Ipod . Tomorrow night , I have to work at Relay for Life . My sister and brother - in - law are on the committee . If there is a Relay for Life in your area , try to get involved . It is for a good cause and is fun at the same time . I hope everyone enjoys their Friday . TGIF ! ! ! I think Saturday was National Rude Day . Everywhere I went , I encountered the rudest people . First , I was on my way to get lunch for my mother and I . I don 't know about where you live , but in Alabama , it is customary for people to pull over and stop when they meet a funeral procession . I was stopped at a stop light when the police blocked traffic for a funeral procession that was leaving the funeral home . I was the third car from the light . I lowered the volume of my radio , because I felt there was something tacky about me listening to Rick James sing " Super Freak " . Some woman decides that she is going to turn right . The police stopped her before she could turn . All of a sudden , I heard a horn blow . It was the woman in the car behind me . She saw someone that she recognized and blew the horn at them . They must not have heard her , because she blew her horn again . All of this while the deceased and his grieving family passed solemnly by . HOW RUDE ! When I got back to the store with lunch , a customer moved back so that I could open the door and enter the store . I had my hands full and could barely manage the door . At least he could have opened the door . No manners . The worst was nothing to me , but made me mad . A man came in the store and asked my mother if she could cash a check for him . Since we knew him , she said that she would . He proceeded to tell us that he had been working 18 hour days helping with the storm cleanup . He did not have time to go to the bank all week . He said that he finally had time to go to the bank on Saturday and got there at a few minutes before noon . He said that the OPEN light was on . He said as he was pulling under the canopy , the OPEN light went out . When he pulled up to the drive in window , the teller said , " Sorry , we 're closed " . He told her that all he needed was to deposit his pay check and get a little cash back . She then said , " Sorry , we 're closed . We 've already locked up our money in the vault . " I could not believe this . I 've worked at banks for years , and drive in customers in line at nPosted by This morning at about 5 : 25 , I felt and heard a slight vibration . I thought it was probably a large truck or piece of machinery stopping on US 280 . On the way to work , I drove the long way around the back just to check and make sure that it was not caused by something structural . When I got to work , I found out that we had an earthquake . I don 't think I 've ever experienced an earthquake before . On the way into work , I was on US 280 . I always drive in the right lane . I noticed a car in the middle lane with it 's right turn signal on , and I backed off so that she could move over . After she got over , she threw her hand up , not to thank me , but in anger . I couldn 't figure out what I did . I thought that maybe I wasn 't paying attention and she had been trying for awhile to get over . She kept bobbing her head like she couldn 't figure out why the traffic wasn 't moving ( US 280 is one of the worst commutes in the country ) . About 1 / 2 mile later , she turns on her left signal to get back over to the middle lane . By this time traffic was flowing well and no one was stopping to let her over . Finally , she saw a break about 3 / 4 of a car length and moves over almost causing another car to rear end her . She then gives the driver of the car the finger , not once , not twice , not three times , but four times . She kept waving her arms in anger . I tried to distance myself from this crazy woman . I don 't know what her problem was . She had curlers in her hair , as in the old timey bouffant curlers . Maybe they were rolled too tight . This morning 's events did not put me in a bad mood . Today , I wore a black linen skirt to work . I had a lot to do , so instead of wearing my black / white Jack Rogers sandals , I wore a pair of black Naturalizer sandals . I figured out why I never wear the Naturalizers . When I walk , I waddle . I figure it is the thick soles . I will say one thing , they are really comfortable . I have been fighting a cold for several days . I think the cold finally won . I have coughed and sneezed all day . I feel a little bit better tonight . My mother just called to check on me . She has been fighting a cold also . Thankfully she feels better . I don 't have much to say tonight . I hope everyone has a good Tuesday . I hope everyone had a good weekend . Saturday was a beautiful day , but I was so tired that it was hard to enjoy it . I wish that Mother Nature would cooperate so that I could have something to post about other than the bad weather . I left my mother 's house early today so that I could dodge the tornadoes . Luckily I was driving just south of the bad weather . Our region does not need any more bad weather . People are still without power and yards are covered with fallen trees . One family lost over 200 trees . That 's an entire forest to me . I heard on the news that the Guntersville Yacht Club received some damage and a dock broke loose , but I really didn 't think that much of it . On my way to my mother 's , I was rounding a curve and all of a sudden right beside the causeway was a huge yacht . I mean , you could step off the highway onto the shoulder and then onto the yacht , it was that close . Not only that , but there were about 10 - 15 lined up beside it . I almost wrecked . I saw on the news that they were stuck there . There 's one yacht that is stuck and has the other pinned up against the bank . Luckily , no one was seriously injured . Many parts of home town look like a war zone . You have to be careful driving up and down streets , because of all of the debris . There a trees lining the sides of the streets . The Red Cross has been wonderful . They have been driving through neighborhoods giving people bottled water and non - perishable heavy snacks . Luckily , my mother 's neighborhood did not receive much damage . Only a few trees that fell across the street . All of this caused by something called a " gravity wave " , whatever that is . The sale of the store has been postponed for another week . Hopefully everything will go smoothly . We are looking forward to the free time . I am going to keep start a personal file for everything to do with the sale , so that as soon as I get my W - 2 's for 2009 , I can hand it over to the accountant . He can take it from there . I hope everyone has a Good Monday ( if that is possible ) Have y ' all seen the video of Susan Boyle , the woman that wowed everyone on Britain 's Got Talent ? I cried while I watched the video . She blew me away , as she did everyone in the world . I think that 's great . I hope she goes a long way . She deserves it . I went to Target today to pick up a couple of things . I wandered over to the $ 1 bins ( or the crack area ) . I found a preppy pink and green plaid tray . It will be perfect for spring and summer . Can you believe , I didn 't even mention the weather . Mother Nature cooperated so that I didn 't have to . Have a great Thursday ! We had a day without bad weather . I don 't think it is suppose to rain again until Saturday . Hopefully , there won 't be any storms . I talked to my mother around 6 : 30 this evening , and she didn 't have power . I talked to her an hour later , and she had found out that the power was back on . I read on the news that it may be Friday before everyone has power . My sister said that they bulldozed my mother 's friend 's house today . I know it was an extremely sad experience . She raised a family in that house . I know that they have lived there at least 35 years . Her son owns a large lake house that has a mother - in - law 's suite . She is going to live there . She 's lucky that she has two sons that live nearby , and both have large enough houses that she can live there and not be in the way . They take care of their Mama no matter what . The closing of the store is going to be postponed for about a week . I just want to get it over with . As I posted the other day , I have injured my heel . I cannot wear a shoe , except sandal or sneakers with socks . It hurts when I wear regular shoes . It 's suppose to go down to the 40 's tonight . I guess my feet will freeze tomorrow morning . I hope everyone has a nice Wednesday . I hope everyone had a great Easter . Our family did . My mother and I got to church at 10 : 35 for the 11 : 00 service . We got the last two seats that were together . The church was overflowing , which is a good thing . After church , we went to my sister and brother - in - law 's house for lunch . My brother - in - law 's parents , sister and her family and one of his brothers was there . We had a good meal and a nice visit . Afterwards , we went home and got lazy . On my way back to Birmingham , I got to see the " war zone " where the tornado plowed through . It was awful . It rained all the way back . I woke up at 2 : 00 am to the sound of strong winds . I was terrified . The winds blew for over 2 hours . On the news , they said that the winds got up to 50 mph . My mother called me while I was driving to work . She said that she had been up since 2 : 00 because of the storm . She was without power . My sister lives less than 2 blocks from my mother , and she could not get to my mother 's house because of trees being down . Trees and power lines were down all over town . She walked to Hardee 's to get breakfast . I told her to not go any where unless it was an emergency . She couldn 't get her car out of the garage , so the man across the street helped her get her garage open . She went to the store about 11 : 00 . She told me that one of her friend 's house was demolished by pine trees that fell on it . I feel awful for her . And , it 's supposed to storm again tonight . Those people need a break . I think I may go to bed early tonight . I didn 't sleep well last night because of the storm . Yesterday , in a meeting someone quoted something like " Some days you feel like a pigeon , and some days you feel like the statue " . Yesterday , I was the statue . I had to get the breakfast pastries for the meeting . I ordered them to be picked up at 7 : 00 am . I got to the bakery at 6 : 58 am and the girl was just starting to put them in the box . She was so slow . She acted like she was being careful not to break them . I was really getting nervous . I got to work at the time I meant to get there . I got our cart to take to my car to bring everything in . One the way to the car , I pulled the cart right into my heel . It hurt bad . I didn 't think that much about it . As I was putting out the food and making coffee , my heel started hurting really bad . I looked down and it was bleeding . Queenie got me some big band aids . When I went into the ladies room to clean the cut and put on the band aid , I looked in the mirror . I had forgotten to comb my hair before I came to work . I was so embarrassed , because at the meeting I was recognized for bringing food and getting injured in the process . The mail guy was out , so I had to go to the post office . So , I hobble into the post office and there 's hardly any mail . A lot of the postal workers took the day off and they did not have the mail out . I went back to the post office around 2 : 00 and got the mail . On the way out , it started pouring down rain . Not too worry , I still had not combed my hair . I can 't believe I went to work like that . I am very particular about my hair . Every hair has to be in place . My heel was worse than I thought it was . I put Neosporene and peroxide on it and bandaged it up . Today it is better , and I remembered to comb my hair . Around 3 : 30 , I called my mother to check on the weather and she said it was bad . She said that there was hail and water everywhere . She told me to call her when I got about 30 minutes from home to see about road conditions . The main highway was blocked with downed power lines and trees , so I had to find an alternate route . It only took me about 20 mPosted by I 've been talking a lot about the weather lately . I just went outside and it is warm . It 's 70 degrees and it 's 9 : 30 pm . That 's too hot . That can only mean one thing . Thunderstorms tomorrow . I guess it 's that time of year . Two nights ago , it was in the 30 's . I have to get an early start tomorrow . I have to pick up breakfast pastries at Edgar 's Bakery at 7 : 00 am . It 's for a breakfast meeting that Queenie 's boss is having . I don 't know why Queenie couldn 't do it . Oh well , I accepted gladly . I figured that it would only make me look good . She is going to help me bring it in from the car . I was going to order from Jason 's to deliver , but I decided I 'd pick everything up since I pass right by there . Then I thought , if I 'm going to pick everything up , I 'm going to get something good . Edgar 's is so much better and their prices were lower . Plus , I save delivery and tip . I guess I 'll save the bank about $ 40 or more . I bought juice on sale at Publix , so that 's more savings . I 'm getting good at this food thing . I only wish that there were more places close to the bank to get things . I know everyone gets tired of Jason 's Deli , but they are one of the only places that delivers . I hope everyone has a good Friday . Tomorrow is Good Friday . Have a blessed day . Thanks for the response about the earrings . It was on Preppy Pink Crocodile 's blog . In case someone else is interested it is Fitz and Frannie . Use the code " preppy " for free shipping . One day this week , I saw a post on someone 's blog about silk knot earrings similar to the ones sold at Bhati Beads . They were 2 pairs for $ 30 . And there was some kind of code to use . Does anyone recall seeing this or know who makes the earrings ? I 'm interested in ordering a couple of pairs , but I forgot to write down the information . I 've looked at several blogs that I read , but can 't find it . Thanks for your help . Even though it is still cool , tomorrow I 'm going to wear a khaki skirt , LL Bean pink polo , and a Lands ' End kelly green with pink monogram cardigan . And , not to forget my Morgan & Co . pink with white polka dot grosgrain belt . I have never been as ready for spring as I am now . I just wish it would be warm enough for my sandals . Last night I started watching a creepy movie on Lifetime called Poison Ivy . I decided to go to bed early so I set my VCR to record the last 30 minutes . I watched it when I got home . That had to be the lamest movie I 've seen in a long time . What 's so bad is when I was watching it , I couldn 't stop . Have you ever watched a movie like that ? Right now , I have You 've Got Mail playing on the DVD player . It is one of my favorite movies . Tonight I just have it on for noise . My mother wants me to get my hair cut like Meg Ryan 's in the movie . I remind her that this movie came out in 1994 . But , I do dress like her character , sometimes . If I met a man over the internet , it wouldn 't be Joe Fox , it would be the roof top killer . I 'm watching some creepy movie on Lifetime . It 's called Poison Ivy : The Secret Society . I rarely ever watch Lifetime , but there wasn 't anything else on . It 's like a train wreck . It 's awful , but you can 't stop watching . We found out yesterday that there has been some restructuring of the area offices . Some jobs have been eliminated . Nobody in our area has lost their job . Queenie told me that she was getting " survivor 's remorse " . I guess that 's like " survivor 's guilt " . I heard of people with that . Isn 't that what surviving soldiers get when they are near other soldiers that are killed in action ? Or maybe the lone survivor of a bad accident ? I guess I don 't feel it because I have lost my job due to a acquisition years ago . I worked for a failed Savings and Loan . ' As a matter of fact , I 've been working a lot harder this week and I haven 't been complaining as much . I don 't want to lose my job . I can 't wait until next week so that I can wear my fun spring clothes . I can 't wait until I can wear my sandals . Maybe the week after next . Every time I think spring is here , it turns cold . I hope everyone has a good Wednesday ( HUMP DAY , YAY ! ! ) I hate to keep talking about this crazy Alabama weather , but it is crazy . Saturday , it was 77 degrees and today it did not get out of the 40 's . Tonight , it is supposed to get down to 29 . Don 't worry , it will be back up in the 70 's again . I was really lazy this weekend . Yesterday , I had sinus problems , so I laid around and watched Mad Men season 1 , Rear Window and Murder , She Wrote . I found out today that I was not the only lazy one . Others admitted to not doing anything yesterday . I think after we sell the store that I will have more energy . I don 't think I 'll be as tired . I 'm going to take advantage of the free time and take on some projects . I think I 'm going to start back fooling with genealogy . I used to love it , but one day I just gave it up . I hope everyone has a good Tuesday . As I said in my earlier post , I was going shopping . The highlight was when I was in Aveda . There is construction at the Summit . The girls at Aveda told me that there was and LL Bean store going to open in the new area . That made my day . At Ulta , I bought Essie nail oil , a small magnifying mirror and some Burt 's Bees pomegranate lip balm . I was able to use a $ 5 coupon . I went into Home Goods to check it out . I bought a shower curtain liner . I saw many pretty things in there . I went to TJ Maxx to see if they had any Eliza B belts . They had some , but the only one that I liked was in a size larger than what I wear . Oh well , I didn 't need it anyway . On the way shopping , I put an old stereo cabinet by the garbage dumpster . I inherited it from my sister when she was tired of it . When I came back home , it was gone . I was glad that someone could use it . I hope everyone has a good Sunday . We 're expecting more bad weather . I guess it 's that time of year . I decided that this weekend was going to be a lazy weekend . I had a few chores that I was going to do and then watch TV and DVD 's the remainder of the weekend . I have one chore left and I 'm going to do it tomorrow morning . This afternoon , I need to go to Aveda to get shampoo and conditioner , and then I 'm going to go and browse through Ulta . I tear coupons out of magazines , but I never go . I think I may be able to get better deals on stuff like lotion , nail polish , etc . at Ulta . On the way home , I 'm going to hit TJ Maxx . Everyone always finds good stuff there , but I never have any luck . I 'll let you know what I find . My sister and brother - in - law gave me a combo VCR / DVR for Christmas . It did not work on my TV ( yes , it was older than I thought ) , so I bought a new TV Monday . I hooked everything up last night , and it all works just fine . As I type this , I 'm watching Making the Grade . I know , it 's such a lame movie , but I 've always liked it . Judd Nelson in his younger days and all those preppy clothes . What 's not to like about it ? Andrew Dice Clay is really lame in this one . From what I understand , he 's gets lamer as the years go by . I would like to have a pair of gold shell earrings like Jonna Lee wears in this movie . I don 't even care whether or not they are real gold . I think I may have had a pair like them many years ago . I think they were by Dottie Smith . If it wasn 't me , it was my sister that had them . If anyone sees any , let me know . The weather did not get as bad as they predicted . . . thank goodness . We 've had a few rounds of heavy rain , but they only last for a few minutes . There 's a storm about 50 miles west of here . It will probably be here in about an hour and a half . I may go to bed soon , but I 'm going to leave the radio on so that I can wake up if there is a weather warning . This afternoon , we were told that we could leave work early because of the bad weather . Queenie called her husband to come get her . He told her that he couldn 't right then , because he had to take the cats out . ( to do what , I don 't know ) . Forty - five minutes later , she was still there . The bank is installing a new security system . We got an email today saying that they would be testing the system tomorrow and Monday . We are to disregard any message to evacuate the building . On another note , new fire wardens were appointed . I received orange vests that each of the fire wardens and their backup are suppose to wear in case of a fire or fire drill . I went from floor to floor passing them out today . Late this afternoon , the building management called me to tell me that a woman on the 8th floor complained to them that she did not get a vest to wear when we had to evacuate tomorrow . Bless her heart ! We couldn 't figure out how she got that all mixed up . I don 't know how I got to be chief fire warden , but I do get to wear an orange vest . Lucky me . I hope everybody has a nice Friday . If the weather gets bad in your area , try to stay safe . I finished Social Climbers by Beth Dunn this afternoon . I really enjoyed it . I think I know these people . In the small town where I 'm from , there are a lot of Kitty Kimmel 's . They are not quite as mean as Kitty . We don 't call these women " Social Climbers " , we call then " Wannabes " . The AT 's are actually real nice and down to earth . I 'm sure everyone has experienced these people . Tonight , as I was leaving work , I saw Queenie 's husband walking toward the dumpster outside our building . I think he was going to go dumpster diving , until he saw her walk out . I almost got tickled at his attire . He had on a pair of khaki shorts with an elastic waistband , all the way around . And he had his shirt tucked in . He had the shorts hiked up real high , like a geek . I wish coworker could have seen it . She would have died laughing . We are supposed to have bad storms tomorrow . . . again . They are predicting up to 10 inches of rain for some parts of the state . They are also predicting tornadoes . As best as I can remember Friday or Saturday is the 35th anniversary of the bad tornadoes that came through Huntsville . I think we had about 7 in one night . It was bad . I just saw on the Weather Channel where there were 148 tornadoes that day , nationwide . Luckily our neighborhood did not receive any damage , but the power was out for several days . That is a night that I will never forget . I hope everyone has a good Thursday . If you are in the area of the storms , stay safe .

Today is a beautiful Spring day and I can hear the birds chirping outside my window . My dogs are up acting silly and my husband is having coffee watching television . It is a normal day here and I feel worn down but making myself motivated to get some writing done . My body is achy but that has been almost an everyday thing with me the past few months but I push through it with my writing . I do anticipate all you readers getting to know me through my writing . I want everyone to live in my stories like I do . But that is just me and my thoughts . So off to continue writing I will go because I am on a deadline for manuscript writing . I wish everyone a happy and blessed day and remember those fallen military service men and women who gave their lives to save ours . Hello to all of my friends and family old and new . I want to apologize for not keeping up with my journal and keeping in touch with each of you . It has been a trying month so far and it has taken a serious toll on me physically and mentally . We moved in with my cousin who has been declared legally blind so she needs some help around the house . I have been cleaning the house for an entire nine days , pulling everything out of the cupboards , wiping them out and washing every dish in the house . You would think that it would be easy enough until you are continuously interrupted to do something else . I have been having other issues physically that makes it hard to stand for long periods and some dizzy spells . My husband has been so good with support and helping me get things done . Today we finally got the kitchen and dining room completed with deck brushed floors and cleaned walls . There is still the living room to go but my husband has agreed to do it for me so that I can go back to writing where I am happy the most . I have missed my writing and I know that it disappoints some of my readers but I promise that things are going to get back to normal and my writing will thrive . It has been hard for me mentally not being able to write and my husband and therapist noticed it clearly and are doing whatever they can to get me back to that point of being content . I am making some changes and will be initiating them tomorrow when I wake up . I have missed chatting with everyone and letting you know what I have been up too and writing updates . So , it is getting late and I want to get some things done to be ready for tomorrow . I wish everyone an awesome night and have a blessed morning . Hello , Everyone . First I want to apologize for my absence for the last two days . I noted in my last post that I had been sick for a few days , well let 's just say that without anything for cold symptoms come Saturday night I wanted to die . I was so sick , I couldn 't even keep fluids down , hot and cold flashes , vomiting , and my body aches were so extreme that even my hands hurt . Right now , my ribcage and my diaphragm hurt from all the coughing . I just wanted to die Saturday night . I am up a little today but not much . I still have a foggy head and a little wobbly in the legs . I think it could have been worse had I not started taking vitamin C when I noticed that I was getting sick . I don 't get sick that often but when I do it goes to the extremes in taking me down . I still have a slight headache but I need to get functioning which will help me bounce back . I went to bed Friday night and haven 't been up until this morning . I have been feverish since Saturday morning and still feel a bit feverish but I can 't stay in the bed like that without my body hurting . On to a brighter note , I am back writing this morning and I know it will probably take a few days to get back on my schedule with recovery time and everything , but I want to let everyone know I 'm still here . So , I will get back to my writing and pump out some more of those short stories for your enjoyment . I wish everyone a healthy and blessed day : ) . Good morning to all my friends old and new , and to my family out there . Woke up this morning with an incontinence issue but I am better now , alive and awake , and ready to get writing . I have had a tall cup of coffee , two diet Pepsi 's , and now I 'm on to a bottle of water . My diabetes can sometimes make me very thirsty or dehydrated no matter how controlled it is . So , I am here getting set up at my desk to start my writing again today . I have somewhere between twelve and twenty works in progress , I am almost ready to publish the first book and almost done with research for the second book before starting to write it . I have outlines done for the remaining works in progress and excited to begin writing each one . My husband is still asleep with the dogs , the birds and squirrels are being noisy this morning , and I am still trying to wake up . 🙂 The only thing I can say right now is that I am a " Phenomenal Women " . I somehow manage to multitask several things at one time , work on writing my books , and pay the bills when the money comes in . I have a goal to be debt free this year with the possibility of buying a house the beginning of next year . This is going to be a good year for me no matter what tries to stop us . I also have a goal of having at least ten of the twenty books written and published this year as well . It is funny because not only do I have a list and outline for twenty books , I have begun a partial list of new books to write . Writing has become a passion for me and it is not so much about the money as it is to help people and to entertain . I have already made provisions that half of all royalties will go to Hope Station USA , Inc to assist the homeless in becoming self - sufficient . That is the second passion in my life , to give back to those who have helped me over the years while I was homeless . Well , enough of that , it is time to get started on today 's writing . I wish everyone a blessed and prosperous day . Just remember that even the smallest of good things is a reason to celebrate . Pay it forward whenever you can and it will always come back to you tenfold . Have a great day everyone ! Writers get those creative juices flowing it is a new day . Woke up about seven thirty this morning which was about thirty minutes ago and still a little groggy but I 'm here writing and talking silly with my husband as we drink our coffee . I just took my insulin and waking up a little more . I hope today will be a blessed day . My husband was going to work on our car today but guess what ? It 's raining , lol . My mind is starting to wake up and full of book ideas which are running amuck in my mind right now . I decided to write another chapter for my first book so I have been doing a lot of research for content and it is almost ready to be added to the book . I 'm also finishing up my research notes for book number two which will be a long book but full of information that can help people . Well , I will be cutting this short and sweet because I need to get some short stories wrote . Have a great and blessed day today everyone . With it raining all night our tent floor is wet and had a few little leaks last night . I went to bed somewhat early last night to get a full night sleep to which I only got up once last night which is good for me . I got up about 6 am this morning and I am beginning my day . I am listening to the coffee brewing and can 't wait for that first cup . Besides this daily journal , I keep a written journal every day . I am somewhat achy this morning in my lower back and hips but I have taken my meds and starting today with a fresh start . Hubby is still asleep so I can concentrate on my writing quietly and have decided to add another chapter to my first book and almost ready to start writing the second book of the series . It has taken the better part of ten days to do research on the second book and I am anxious to start writing . I have a lot of information for this book and it will be full length while the first book is a novella of about thirty thousand words . I am also working on putting a newsletter together so keep an eye out for it . Okay so let me tackle the day before hubby gets up . I wish everyone a great day and may you have a very productive day . God Bless . Woke up to freezing weather in this tent this morning with it feeling like one degree outside and trying to keep warm . I hardly slept at all last night , had sister - in - law spending the night with us in this tent . I am enjoying my second cup of coffee and everyone else is waking up . I plan on working on my second book today . Just trying to catch up wth everything today . Doctor put me on different medication and I am waiting to see if it will work and have back doctor appointment tomorrow so hopefully , I will find out what is wrong with my back and get something to help with it . So other than freezing I am doing pretty good and feel okay , but the day has just started . I hope everyone has a great day and happy writing . Some people say that turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do and I will agree with that , but only through God are you able to do it . He gives you the strength to turn the other cheek to someone and most of the time it is someone who doesn 't know God that will tempt you . Satan is very cunning and sometimes will even use those closest to you to tempt you into a confrontation . I am not sure if it was God who instilled in me to turn the other cheek but I do know that it has been an easy thing for me to do throughout the years . Don 't get me wrong I have held grudges against people but eventually , I have asked for forgiveness from them and from God . It used to feel like I was being bullied but in all aspect I pretty much was , but I could never find it inside myself to confront the person back . I know that sometimes it can be hard and I do understand that but I always keep telling myself that if someone does me wrong they always get something done back to them later on but never by my hand . God seeks revenge in His own time so it might be years down the road but they will pay the consequences for what they have done . So , just keep in mind that when someone hits you , wrongs you , or sins against you , just turn the other cheek and move on . They will get theirs in the long run . I had a rough night last night when I woke up at 1 am and sat up until 4 am before going back to bed . I woke up around 11 : 30 am and have been in front of my computer with coffee in hand . I am feeling okay today and have been working my schedule to make sure I don 't forget anything . My lower back is hurting a little but I am bound and determined to catch up my writing schedule . The house is moving slowly but once my husband has the car running which should be today we are going to go to the house and get some more stuff done . The goal is to be in the new house by mid - January . It is getting pretty cold in this tent but we manage . I look forward to the new house and hope that there are no more monkey wrenches in it . Well , I will write more later , I need to keep my schedule going . Have a great day everyone ! 🙂 My name is Regina and I am an African - American woman with two young children , Brianna and Jesse . They are the love of my life and I want to provide the very best life for them that I can . We used to live with my mother in Philadelphia , Pennsylvania until I earned enough to get our own place . My mother looked after my two children while I work as a personal assistant to a fashion designer . I work long hours and sometimes I have to miss school plays or homework , but I love my children very much and they know that I would do anything for them . I am thirty - five years old with a curvy body that makes a man beg for it . I have a caramel complexion with brown eyes and long braids down to my waist . I wear glasses which do come in handy when I have to do a lot of reading for my boss . I love my job and wouldn 't trade it for the world , except for my kids . I love watching television , going to the clubs every blue moon with my girlfriends , and I am an avid reader of books . I especially like fictional books which have you on the edge of your seat . My daughter Brianna is the oldest of the two and is seven years old while my son , Jesse , is only four years old . Brianna is a skinny girl with dark brown eyes and loves to have her hair in pigtails . My son is completely the opposite where he is a little chubby boy with a shaved head and he wears glasses as well . They are a handful but my mother loves her grandchildren to death . I have been working as a personal assistant for about nine years now and my boss is the coolest person . She gives me time off when one of my kids are sick or if I just need some down time . I personally run all of her errands for her and make most of her business calls . She is always so busy running around making deals and designing new outfits , and she does dabble a little in home decorating , so I guess you could say she has two professions . She is a remarkable person who is quite a bit older than I and all that gray hair on her head shows it . She is an older woman who has a brilliant mind and a creative flair for fashion . One of my jobs is to make sure all the models are on time for their fittings and that all of the events are well planned . I have even had the opportunity to mingle with other famous designers and celebrities . That 's one of the highlights of my life other than my children being born . After working for about the last three years I have saved enough money to move my family into a place of our own , so my mother and I went to search for a place for my kids and I . We finally found an apartment big enough for my children and I to thrive in . It was on the first floor and it had three bedrooms . It was in a subtle part of Philadelphia where there was not that much crime and I didn 't have to fear for my children 's safety . My mother liked it and I was pleased with how clean and organized it was , so I signed the rental agreement and went home with my mother to begin packing up my family for the move . The next day I rented a moving truck to load my family 's belongings into to take to the new apartment . Box after box we put into the truck and almost bumping into each other a few times , but we were getting it done . The kids were excited about having their own rooms and I was excited about being on our own , even though I love my mother , I just felt that my children pushed her to her limits most times . Once the truck was packed and we were ready to go , my mother followed us in her car to help us unpack . My boss knew the situation and was okay with me taking a few days to get settled in . We pulled up in the apartment complex parking lot and got as close to the apartment and remotely possible . There we started carrying boxes into the new apartment and the kids were just too excited for me . I felt they were running me ragged at first . Then came the fighting and arguing over who got which room . It took all I had to get through this day . Well , we were all unpacked and it was time to take the rental truck back , so my kids jumped into the car with my mother and followed me back to return the truck . Then , I got into the car and headed back to the apartment to sort through the mess . My mother helped out by unpacking the kitchen and putting things away while the kids were tackling their rooms and I rummaging through mine . It took the better of one whole day to get most of everything where it was supposed to be . We ordered pizza for dinner because I had not bought any groceries yet for the apartment but would go shopping after we got through taking care of the apartment . My mother finally got the kitchen done when the pizza arrived at the door . I opened the door to a young delivery boy with my hot pizzas . He didn 't look like much , but hey he had a paying job which is more than I can say for most young boys . Most young African - American boys think about being thugs and drug dealers , so it 's nice to see an honest hard - working one make it in life . I took the pizza to the living room and called for my mother to bring plates and napkins while calling for the kids to come eat . We all sat around the coffee table on the floor and dug into the hot pizza . Everything was turning out okay at this point . The kids made a mess while eating and my mother just laughed . They were enjoying themselves and seem to be a little happier in our new place . After finishing the pizza and getting done with unpacking , my mother gave her hugs and kisses as she departed for home . I really appreciate the help that my mother has been . I don 't honestly think we would have made it this far without her . After she left the kids went back to their rooms to finish cleaning it up and putting things away while I cleaned up the pizza mess . It was getting a little late now and the kids needed to have their baths before bed . I got Brianna into her bath while chasing Jesse around with his clothes in my hand . He was more of a mischief - maker than Brianna , who was more level - headed . After getting Brianna out of the bath , wrapping her in a towel , and sending her to her room to get her pajamas on , it was time to get Jesse into his bath . Bath time was always fun with Jesse but they really need to make a bath apron for parents so we don 't get all wet when bathing a child . Picking Jesse up and out of the bath tub and wrapping him in a towel I thought I heard Brianna calling for me . I grabbed up my wet son wrapped in his towel and carried him into Brianna 's room . I asked her if she had called me and she quickly replied " no " . I thought it strange because I definitely thought I heard her calling my name , but anyway , time to get Jesse into his pajamas and into his bed . Once I got him tucked in it was time for his nightly story of pirates and swashbucklers . I got his book from the shelf and sat down on the bed next to him while wrapping my arm around him to prop up his head . I opened the book and began reading it to him when I felt this cold chill that seemed to linger . I got up and checked his window and then went into the hallway checking the thermostat to see what the temperature reading was . It said that it was seventy - nine degrees in the house and I thought that very odd that there was a chill in his room . So , I went back into his room and got comfortable with him and again began reading to him . He was very assertive and excited about the pictures and my reading to him , but soon he was fighting sleep and his eyes getting very low . I think I read about another ten minutes before noticing him fast asleep . I closed the book and gently got up from his bed not waking him . I placed the book back on the shelf and picked up a few of his dirty clothes from the floor . i made sure he was sound asleep before closing the door and heading to Brianna 's room . Brianna was dressed in her pajamas and ready to be tucked into bed . So we got her under the blankets and I leaned down to kiss her forehead telling her good night . As I began leaving the room she stopped me and asked if I would close her closet door for her before turning out the light . I walked over to her closet looking inside and felt the eeriest feeling . So I closed the door and again told her goodnight before leaving her room . As I walked towards my room I started hearing soft little voices but I couldn 't make out what they were saying . I pushed it off as a figment of my imagination and the fact that I was exhausted from the move . I went and soaked in a nice hot bath and relaxed the muscles for a bit . As I lay there with my eyes closed relaxing , I could feel that cold chill again even with me being in a hot bath . I couldn 't put my finger on where it was coming from . I went ahead and got out of the hot bath so not to get pneumonia and wrapped myself up in my towel . As I walked back into my room I could sense that someone was watching me but how , there was no windows in my bedroom . It felt like piercing eyes watching me and making the hairs on my arms stand up and tingle . I couldn 't let go of this feeling and decided to call it a night and get into my warm bed . I climbed into bed and I don 't think it took long for me to fall asleep but it seemed like I was dreaming just that quick . It was as if I had just closed my eyes and opened them into another world which was hazy and bright . I could see a shadow of a short man walk by and all I heard were whispers , just like the ones I heard earlier . It was eerie enough to force myself to wake up . I sat up in bed and looked around but saw nothing so I laid back down and tried to go to sleep again . This time it was uneventful and peaceful . When morning came , I woke up smelling coffee brewing and hurried to the kitchen to find out who was here making coffee . I arrived in the kitchen to find my daughter standing on a chair over the coffee maker where she greeted me with a huge grin and said that she had made coffee for me . When I looked in the pot it looked awfully strong , so I asked her how she made it . It wasn 't the answer I had hoped for but she said she put three scoops of coffee in the filter which is a bit much even for me , being that I live off of coffee . To keep her happy I drank what she poured into my cup and went over to the table where my son was eating some cold cereal , which by the way , had more milk in it than a cow could possible produce at once . He did enjoy his cereal so as long as he was happy I remained happy . It was then time for me to take my daughter to school and my son to daycare . We grabbed everything we needed and ran out the door to get into the car . I first put my stuff into the front passenger side seat before opening the back passenger side door for my daughter to get in . Meanwhile my son was running around the car yelling at the top of his lungs that his shoe was untied . I grabbed him on his second time around the car and got him into his side and into his car seat where I could tie his shoe so he would calm down . I quietly got inside the driver seat and took a deep breath . I had a few days off from work to do some things around the new apartment to get more settled in . So , I dropped my children off and headed for the grocery store to stock up the refrigerator and cupboards before they came home that afternoon . I remembered that I left my cell phone on the kitchen counter and decided to go by the apartment to get it before heading to the store . When I walked inside the apartment it felt like twenty degrees in there . I walked over to the thermostat and checked it again and it told me the same thing , that it was seventy - nine degrees in the apartment . I could not figure it out so i went to get my phone which I knew I left it on the counter but wasn 't there when i got there . That boggled my mind because I could have sworn I left it on the counter . I searched and searched through the apartment but still no luck on finding it . I called my mother using the house phone and asked her to call my cell so I could retrieve it . I waited about fifteen minutes and then she called me back and said she tried calling it but it just rang and rang . I didn 't hear it at all . I could not figure out where I left it and tried looking through the house again , but no luck . I told her thank you and hung up but then tried calling it myself thinking maybe my mother must have dialed the wrong number . When I dialed it from my house phone it rang only three times and then this man answered it . I was dumbfounded as to how this man got my cell phone . He sounded a bit like an older man and when I asked him how he got my phone he just hung up . I tried dialing it again because I thought he was so rude but this time he didn 't answer it and it just rang several times . I went into my bedroom and searched in there looking under the bed , in my sheets , but then it dawned on me how could it be in my bed when a strange man answered it . So I headed back out to the kitchen and when I arrived it was sitting right there on the counter where I thought I had left it . That was strange , it wasn 't there a minute ago . Instead of thinking too hard about it , I headed out to the grocery store . I walked up and down the aisles picking up food my kids would like when I noticed some people staring at me . Instead of being rude I just politely said hello but they quickly turned and hurried away . I think I remember one of them from the apartment complex I live at . Could that be one of my neighbors ? I thought , but they could have said something nice back instead of running away like I was some leper . When I got to the checkout stand , the checkout girl looked at me funny and then smiled weirdly at me . I asked her if there was a problem and she politely but nervously said " no , ma ' am " . She asked if I was the family who moved into apartment two o seven at the apartment complex down the street . It astounded me how she knew exactly which apartment I had moved into , but I acknowledged her with a yes and a smile . Once I checked out I started taking my groceries to the car when I noticed that people were still being weird and staring at me . I couldn 't let it stress me so I finished putting my groceries in the car and got in buckling up and starting the car . As I drove through the parking lot toward the exit , I noticed how people were still watching me . It was like being in one of those creepy horror movies with pod people or something . I drove past them smiling and saying hello until I got out of the parking lot . Once I got back to the apartment and started carrying the groceries into the house , the minute I walked into the house i dropped the bag of groceries on the floor . I looked around and every cabinet in my kitchen was open , they were empty but wide open . I did not leave my cabinets open when I left . Did someone come into my apartment while I was gone ? I got on the phone and called the rental office asking if the maintenance guy came in for something but they told me they never sent anyone . Who could have been in my apartment and opened up all of my cabinets ? I discarded the thought quickly and began picking up my groceries off of the floor . I sat them on the counter and began going around and closing all the cabinets . I turned around to go use the bathroom and when I came back all of my cabinets were open again . I could not believe what my eyes were seeing , I just closed those cabinets and now they 're open again . What is going on here ? I closed them again and put the groceries away and started finishing the unpacking I had left to do . I went into my bedroom and grabbed some boxes to unpack and placed them on the bed . There I stood next to the bed and began taking items out of the boxes and putting them away . As I was going through a box I could feel something standing directly behind me . It was a cold chilling feeling and I could almost feel someone 's hot breath on the back of my neck . I dropped everything and quickly turned around to see what was behind me . There was nothing . I thought to myself could I be going crazy , am I overworked , or what ? I quickly finished unpacking and doing a little cleaning before getting dinner started . My daughter will be getting off of the bus soon and my mother is picking up my son from daycare to bring him home . It is so nice to still have her helping us even though we don 't live with her anymore . I guess this is her way to still be able to see her grandchildren . I wasn 't going to stop her or complain about it , it was taking some pressure off of me . It was exactly three fifteen when my daughter came in the door from school and anxious to see me . She had her report card from school and my daughter had made all A 's except for one B in her class . I was so proud of her and told her to go put it up on the refrigerator so I can always see how proud I am of my baby girl . She walked over and took a magnet off of the refrigerator and placed her report card right in the middle so I could see it . Then my mother came in with my son and saw that I was in the middle of getting dinner cooked so she got him settled and playing with his toys while she came back in to the kitchen and helped me with dinner . She joined us for dinner at the kitchen table and after the children had eaten and left the table , I offered her some coffee so that I can talk to her alone . I started telling her about what has been happening and the man answering my cell phone and told her that I felt like I was going crazy . She asked me if anything else has been happening and did I feel the children were safe . I hasten to tell her I did not feel threatened or that my children were in any kind of danger . I told her it was just little things that were happening . She replied to that statement with if anything else happens or it gets worse for me to bring the children to her house until we can deal with it correctly . We chatted for a bit longer before she got up to leave for home . I called the children in to give grandma goodbye hugs and kisses and after that I followed her to the door and said our goodbyes . As I closed the front door after saying goodbyes , I could hear the children talking so I headed for the living room where they were . When I arrived into the room there was a silence as if they were hiding something from me . When I asked what they were talking about , they just said they were playing . I went ahead and accepted that and headed to the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes and clean up before it was time for the children to take a bath . While I was in the kitchen I had gotten that eerie feeling like I had earlier about someone watching me , but this time it came with a sense of being cold . It was almost like standing outside in the snow kind of cold . I couldn 't shake it but went ahead and finished the dishes , got the kitchen cleaned , and started bath time . Brianna was quick to take her bath and head to bed while with Jesse it was an every night thing with chasing him through the house . I love my children but bath time can be so exhausting at times . While in the bath , Jesse had asked me about the man in his room . When I asked him " what man ? " , he told me of the man who visited him in his room the night before . I started to wonder if my son had an imaginary friend or if he was so tired that he started seeing things that were not there . He described this man to me as being short and chubby , but he said he couldn 't see his face and that it was like a shadow of a man . I asked him if the man scared him and he replied with " no " . So , I got him out of the bathtub and took him to his room to put on his pajamas . After getting him dressed and telling him his bedtime story , I went to check on Brianna who seemed to be fast asleep when I got to her room . I leaned down and kissed her forehead and left the room closing the door behind me . I headed for my bedroom and as I walked through the hallway , it felt like a walked through something very cold . It was enough to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up but shook it off and headed for bed . I got myself into my night - shirt and climbed into bed . As I reached to turn off my lamp on the night stand I caught what appeared to be a shadow leaving my room . I held off on turning the light off and waited for a few minutes to see if it was real . After about ten minutes I decided it was nothing and turned my lamp off to go to sleep . Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to my covers being in the floor and wondered if I had a bad dream or got too hot and kicked them off . I reached down and grabbed them pulling them back up on me . I tried to get comfortable to go back to sleep when I saw the shadow of a man just like Jesse had stated standing at the foot of my bed . It scared me to death and then I started screaming at it " what do you want ? " and waited for it to answer me . Which I thought was a little crazy that I expect a shadow to answer me , to which it didn 't . I yelled for it to leave and not bother my children or myself anymore . It just stood there for a few minutes before disappearing right before my eyes . I waited a few minutes before laying back and going off to sleep . The next morning when I woke up , I put my robe on and headed for the kitchen to make some coffee . When I got into the kitchen every single cupboard was wide open and I noticed the children were still asleep . I thought to myself , " could this shadow be doing these things ? " I went around and closed all of them and started making coffee when I turned around and right in front of me was the shadow man again . I didn 't know what he wanted and didn 't know how to find out . It was not like I was psychic or anything to be able to translate what he wanted . I calmly asked him again what he wanted and again he just stood there . Then my son , Jesse , came running into the kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he saw the shadow man . I looked over at my son who couldn 't take his eyes off of the shadow man and I asked him if this is who was visiting him in his room ? He just nodded his head and finally looked at me and then walked over to get his cereal like it was no big deal . I asked him if he has talked to the shadow man and he said " no , he just stands there " . Well I didn 't know what to do so I carried on with my morning of getting the kids ready and off to school . Once I dropped them off at school I headed back to the rental office to ask some questions . When I got inside I asked teh receptionist if I could speak directly with the manager . She obliged me and went to get her . She offered for me to come have a seat in her office and then proceeded to ask me what the problem was . I politely informed her there was no problem as of yet but that I was curious as to who lived in that apartment before I moved into it . She looked at me kind of oddly and then started to smirk and asked me if Mr . Tooley was bothering me ? I asked her who Mr . Tooley was and she replied that he was an old tenant in that apartment who had died . I asked her what he died from and she just stated he was old and he died of natural causes . He was a pleasant man to be around . There was a nice couple who lived in that apartment right before you who couldn 't get past the fact that there was a ghost in it . She reassured me that Mr . Tooley was harmless and from what she can tell he was just lonely and enjoyed company . That was how he was in the living . So I thanked her for answering my questions and began walking out the door when she quickly asked me to tell Mr . Tooley she says hello . I looked at her and then shook my head at the matter . I went back to my apartment now knowing what or who the shadow man really was . As I walked in , I got that same cold feeling again and quietly said " hello Mr . Tooley " as I closed the door . When I turned around he was standing in the hallway and I just went by him to get my day started . As I started cleaning and folding laundry I had quiet conversations with Mr . Tooley which yes I know it might look like I 'm crazy but it was comforting to know I wasn 't alone in the apartment . So we had conversations everyday and sometimes he would sit in my overstuffed chair and it seemed like he was listening . He never spoke a work so I kept the conversations one - sided and it was nice . Now I know some of you think I 'm crazy already being a black person living with a ghost , when I should be running down the street screaming and dragging my children in tow . Mr Tooley never tried to hurt us or cause any harm , so we cohabited together peacefully . Now trying to explain this to my mother was a whole other story because she would be frantic knowing there was a dead presence in the house . I finally got around to telling her and even invited her over to meet Mr . Tooley . She was frightened and uneasy at first , but then she warmed up to Mr . Tooley and everything went on as normal . My children are pleased as punch to have a real life ghost in the house and my daughter Brianna is trying to figure out how to take Mr . Tooley to school for show and tell . Everything is running smoothly now and we are happy being in our own apartment and give thanks everyday . Also , we have invited Mr . Tooley to stay as long as he wants .

I took the girls to an aquarium and the beach this past weekend . It was about 80 percent fun ; I think sleeping in the same bed as a two year old who magically morphs into a giant slug that slowly pushes you off the mattress accounts for 10 percent of fun loss . The other 10 percent was lost by losing Morgan for about three minutes . Our hotel was right on the beach so we marched right on down to the shore . The first time was great . We found shells , put our feet in the water and called it a day . The second time , Halle plopped herself in the ocean , Morgan fell in it , and we were all so sandy and dirty that I quickly remembered why we rarely visit the sea . Near the hotel entrance , there was a hose you could use to wash yourself off with . While I washed Halle 's pants and feet , Morgan hid behind a bush . Looking up and not seeing her , I panicked and started calling her . I told Halle to stay put while I started searching the area . Some people from a balcony started yelling directions to my lost daughter . It would have been helpful had they been directing me toward the correct child . As it was , it was only irritating and distracting . Morgan popped out from behind her bush a few minutes later and asked me what was wrong . " What happened , Mommy ? " I told her we were not going back to the beach for a very long time . Morgan has done this once before ; while Halle is two years older and terrible at hide - and - seek ( " Mommy ! You 're missing a little girl ! I 'm over here ! " ) , Morgan is a master at it . While my mom was visiting , we went shopping in Raleigh . Both of us thought the other adult had Morgan , and thus shopped in peace until we realized our error . We started searching for her , and then I realized if Morgan was hiding , she would never reveal her location . When we found her , she was smiling and barely containing her delight . She couldn 't believe how well her trick had worked . Funny , I didn 't think to threaten not taking her shopping for a very long time . The lacquer thinner is surprisingly working . It 's exciting to think of living in a house where it doesn 't feel like Barbie snuck in and graffittied the couch . While I was scrubbing the couch , trying not to pass out from the fumes , Halle commented on the improvement . " So you were just teasing me when you were so mad and said the couch was ruined ! " I assured her that I had not been teasing her , but that I was glad the couch wasn 't ruined . I also told her that she was more important than any couch . I 'm never sure if I get through . But I hope if something gets through , the more important thing does . We are going to a superhero birthday party today . I 'm kind of feeling like a villain , but we 're going in spite of that . It 's not like four year old boys can do anything to villains , anyway . Yesterday , I made a cape for Halle and thought I would save us 5 dollars and a trip to the store by making a bag for the gift . When I was almost finished sewing , I took a break to paint the girls ' toe nails . It seemed like a nice motherly thing to do since I hadn 't paid a lot of attention to them while I was working on my projects . After the toes were decorated , I went back to the sewing machine to finish up . I smelled something funny . Jumping up from the machine , I saw that my couch had been murdered . There was bright pink fingernail polish EVERYWHERE , which of course does not come out . Furious , I sent Halle upstairs . ( Morgan hadn 't had time to make much of a mess , so she skirted most of the wrath . ) When I had calmed down , I asked her to come downstairs . I explained that the couch was ruined , that nothing could get out the stains and that was why I was so upset . " Is there anything you would like to say ? " I asked . That was not the " something " I had wanted . Her blue eyes blinked up at me innocently . " Then maybe you should tell me what I 'm supposed to say . " I 'm looking into lacquer thinner today , but it would take Superman to get this out . That 's what you get for trying to save 5 bucks . Next time , I 'll just buy a bag . We didn 't get a VCR until Blockbuster stopped renting them out in bags . Remember that ? During that time , we rented both the VCR and an obscure chipmunk / Donald Duck movie . In it , a chipmunk would eat an apple then say to it 's chipmunk buddy , " Apple Core . " The other rodent would reply , " Baltimore " . Chipmunk 1 : " Who 's your friend ? " Then the second would point out an unlucky pal and the first would hurl his apple core at the " friend " . My brothers and I thought this was a spectacular idea and have continued the tradition to this day . This ritual is so ingrained in our family that sometimes we forget not only how obnoxious it is , but how obscure . I don 't think anyone else saw this movie . So when my mom accidentally dropped an apple core into a birthday gift bag for her boss and he found it , she shrugged her shoulders and said , " Apple Core , Baltimore . " Not surprisingly , he missed the reference . I foolishly taught my daughter this game and now it has extended to peas . Much of the dialogue has been simplified : " Peas Porridge , who 's your friend ? " She doesn 't even need an answer . If it wasn 't for my black lab , there would be peas everywhere . Those black labs are amazing . Mine is also fat . In six years of marriage , Willie and I have only had two Christmas trees . Every time I put up a Christmas tree , I remember that the stand my mom gave me is only for decoration : it 's missing a couple screws and is probably 80 years old ( actually , it doesn 't have any screws ) . But it 's been three years since we had a tree and just long enough that the stand seemed perfectly capable . We had to have a tree this year because Halle explicitly asked for one last year . The conversation went like this : " Merry Christmas , Halle ! " " No , it 's not . " " What do you mean ? " " I looked for Christmas everywhere and can 't find it . Can we at least have a tree next year ? " It 's hard for me to justify buying Christmas decorations when they cost money and get stored the majority of the year . But , seeing my three year old 's disappointment in her parents has fueled my decorating fire . We had to get a tree . And a deer head . So I called friends to deliver my tree . After a lot of effort , Chris explained to me that the stand was not going to work and that I would need to get a new one . " But when you get a new one , call us and we 'll put it in for you . Don 't try to do it yourself . " Of course , after they left I immediately sawed off several more branches and enlisted my four year old to help me in getting it back in the stand . The tree fell on me three times . After all that effort , the tree was still a little tilted . But it was in my house and decorated . I would have left it . But my friends called me again , knowing that I would do something stupid and try to fix the stand . They delivered a stand and installed it . The tree only fell on Karen once . Moving a tree around is way more efficient with adults . I 'm hoping that Halle is appeased this year . I know that I , for one , am all ready having a great Christmas . Not only are we celebrating Christ 's birth and our rescue from sin and darkness , I have a deer mount . My brothers and husband have all shot deer . I have hunted and captured one as well . I 'm sure my family will be very proud . The first time I saw Halle break out in hives , it was all over her face and I did a classic mom - freak out . I called the doctor and actually said that I feared for my child 's life . I rushed her into the doctor and by the time we sat down in the waiting room , her hives had cleared up . This prompted me to lean over and whisper into my two year old 's ear , " itch your face , child . I look like an idiot . " Thus , when her face broke out in hives this week I just pulled out the Benadryl . I won 't be fooled again . I still have no idea what causes these hives , but I am sure that if I take her to the doctor to find out , they 'll clear right up . These skin irritations must run in the family because Willie also has had some frightening episodes . His ear , lips , and cheeks have all spontaneously swelled up . The doctor diagnosed him with , " unexplained hives . " I could have diagnosed that . Willie 's biggest foe , however , is poison ivy . When we lived in Georgia he broke out in a rash and didn 't get rid of it for a YEAR . If someone talks about poison ivy , he breaks out . I , on the other hand , am immune . This greatly aggravates my husband . I like to call it my superpower . He may be cuter , more athletic , smarter , and luckier than I am , but I am immune to poison ivy . I got shushed this week by some old lady at the post office . She was hogging the window because she wanted to fill out some paperwork , which could have been done anywhere else . I was trying to send a large sewing machine across the country . My children were being very good , which never lasts all that long . The second you think to yourself , " I must be doing something right ! " all hell breaks loose . Morgan wriggled out of my arms as I signed the credit card slip . " Don 't touch anything ! " I told her . She immediately went to the packaging supplies to touch all of them . Halle put her in a headlock and started dragging her toward me . Morgan let out a milk curdling scream , causing me to gasp and say , " Oh my ! " I grabbed my receipt and the window hog irritably turned her head and shushed me . I would have shushed the kids , but that 's just me . I go in between thinking that I can 't wait to be old so that I can be obnoxious and thinking that I hope I 'm nice , even if I 'm crazy . There was this old guy who used to come into the store I cashiered at during college . He suffered from narcolepsy , which made him very entertaining . He would start digging out money , and fall asleep . After a few snores he usually woke up and finished the transaction . One visit , he fell asleep three times before I could hand him the receipt . But he was very nice . Another old lady who came into my store asked me to help her out to her car . I happily obliged , asking her which was her car . " I don 't know , " she said . " You mean , you don 't know where you parked ? " I clarified . " No , " came her reply . " I don 't know which is mine . I can 't see them . I parked in the front row . It 's a blue car , " she squinted and meandered around . After settling on a Lincoln , she went on her way . I entered the store , raised my arms and made an announcement . " Nobody leave the store for at least fifteen minutes . There 's a lady on the road who is considered blind and dangerous . " She was nice , too . I think I would rather be nice and crazy . That way , even if you don 't have an excuse to be obnoxious , you have someone to drive you to the store while you sleep in the checkout line . Sleeping while you shop plus good company . Win / Win . Parties and I don 't mix . The last party I went to , my cat ended up dying . When we were new to our church , we had a group of people over . In the group was our pastor and his wife . In the middle of dinner , I discovered that I had forgotten to remove the fly tape hanging over the table . We never used our table ; we mostly ate at the counter since it was just the two of us . I mentioned this fact as I climbed on top of my chair in my dress and removed the fly tape ( hopefully not flashing anyone in the process , but it is a possibility ) . Our pastor said that it was okay ; he had been to lots of redneck houses and that hadn 't scared him off at all . That really was his reassurance . Thus , after Halle 's first birthday party bust , ( wherein no one enjoyed themselves ) I made the decision to cancel all birthday parties . Instead , we go somewhere . We went to the zoo this year , last year we visited the Children 's Museum and the Museum of History . Unfortunately for Halle , we were travelling home from Oregon on her birthday this year . It was a long , exhausting day . The next day , I bought an ice cream cake ( still in our freezer ) from Dairy Queen , dug out some farm - yard themed candles from two years ago , and we sang . The candles kept going out so by the time I got them all lit at the same time , the chicken 's head had burned off . Morgan 's birthday yesterday was a good time had by all , and the presents were all opened at the same time after a proper cake was lit and sung over ( it was actually a carrot cake roll that happens to be my favorite sort of cake - Morgan was easily persuaded ) . All this fun and festivity prompted Halle to ask , " Mom , can tomorrow be my birthday ? Because my birthday was kind of messed up . " You know , my birthday wasn 't much of anything this year either . I would also like a do - over . At least I can still talk my kids into getting my favorite kind of cake for their birthdays . Oh , and the first picture is of albino alligators . I just thought that needed to be shared . Albino alligators - who knew gators could be even more terrifying and ugly ? Their eyes are red because they have no pigment . You 're actually seeing the blood behind the eyeball . Learned that yesterday . See ? No clean up and educational . Willie asked for a fanny pack for his birthday a couple years ago . I asked if he had had a flashback moment to 1992 , but he said that in the fishing world a fanny pack is considered fashionably acceptable . He didn 't use those words , but he did tell me that they are incredibly handy and he didn 't care what Tim Gunn thought . 5 . When we were dating , I lost a pocketknife that I had claimed in a lost and found box at the end of the school year . I was so disappointed , not because I ever used it , but because my Grandmother had always carried a pocketknife with her . I figured I would probably need one at some point during the aging process . I did not want to find myself without one when that day came . Valentines Day rolled around , and I was presented with a blue and purple Kershaw knife . I use it all the time . My Grandma was totally right . We stayed the night at a friend 's sister 's house while visiting West Virginia about two years ago . A dino - obsessed little boy lived there , and Halle was instantly taken with the reptilian monsters . She opened her arms wide toward the plastic replicas . " All these could be MINE ! " She exclaimed with glee . They couldn 't be hers , but I did give her two that I found for a dollar a piece . Now , every night after her bath , Halle disappears . " There 's no Halle anymore ! " a muffled voice says . Covered in her towel , she makes cracking noises . Leaping out of the towel stands a baby T - Rex . " Wrrrrraaaaa , " she says . From that point until morning , she answers only to " Baby T - Rex . " She has also introduced herself to strangers as " Baby Triceratops " , " T - Rex " , and " Spinosaurus " . One day I decided to see what people find when they google my name . They would find my blog , of course , but the reason they would look for it is because they 're looking for unusual gift ideas . I figured I might as well write some entries about that subject so that people aren 't completely disappointed . The first year we were married , we moved to Georgia from Washington state . Willie was literally the only person I really knew in three thousand miles , and he forgot my birthday . We had just moved into our apartment and I couldn 't even find the box that might have a shower curtain . Willie wore a panicked expression as he left to try to remedy the situation . He returned a couple hours later with a small paper bag . " It 's Sunday , " he said . " Everything is closed . I couldn 't get you anything , so I bought you these . " The bag held ten tiny , square hamburgers . I declined the offer , telling him that the dry cereal I had eaten earlier was more appetizing . He devoured the tiny grease squares and then asked with a desperate expression , " How can I redeem your birthday ? " We ended up going to Savannah , which is charming and the entire day is one of my favorite memories of our time in Georgia . Before we got married , I adopted a cat from my Grandparent 's house . It was a Siamese and I thought ( erroneously ) that it would be fun to name our cats after Presidents . After the wedding , Ike had difficulty adjusting . He hated Willie . He would sneak into a room , leap into the air , rake his claws across Willie 's back , and then hide somewhere in the house . Anything that smelled like Willie got sprayed . Ike also made friends with a local racoon . I found him shredding a bag of garbage on our back porch with his masked companion . They ate side - by - side from Ike 's bowl . Willie had a custom - made guitar sitting on a stand next to its custom - made case . Ike decided this case would work as a second litter box . It was then that I agreed Ike had to go . My brother Jarred is famous for the comment , " Thank you . I hate this " which he made about a gift I gave him one Christmas . I repeated the phrase when I opened a pair of socks he gave me one year . It was a pair of neon yellow felted wool socks . They were the most uncomfortable , ill - fitting , ugly things I have ever laid eyes on . What had happened , was some guy at college who needed money had made them and then suckered Jarred into buying them . No one in my family can say no to a traveling salesman . Once , I let a rambling black man wash Willie 's truck for ten bucks . It was the worst car wash known to man and Willie was incensed . This summer , I bought a bunch of books from some college kid . Girl scouts actually frighten me . At any rate , the next Christmas Jarred asked me what I wanted . I told him I wanted some socks . He thought I was mocking him , but I really did want socks - just not handmade ones from alpaca boy . He bought me two thick pairs of gray Smartwool socks . I wore them for two weeks straight during a trip to Europe . The only time I took them off was when I took a rather rare shower . I was telling my friend about my love for Smartwool socks : " They 're more expensive , but you don 't need as many because you almost never have to wash these things ! They breathe so well that you can wear them for like three days and they 're not too stinky . " I could tell by the expression on her face that not only was she NOT planning to invest in Smartwool socks , she had also lost some respect for me . That 's probably enough for this installment . The moral of this entry : 1 . Don 't buy burgers to make up for forgetting your spouse 's birthday , but DO ask her / him how you can fix it ; 2 . Do NOT buy Siamese cats , but if you get one , give it to your in laws who can dispose of it for you ; 3 . Smartwool socks are an excellent gift at anytime for anyone . The girls and I courageously ventured out west last month . To make the trip easier , Halle got a Leapster Explorer . She calls this electronic entertainer her " GPS " because she wanted a GPS for her birthday and I didn 't want to give her mine . An aunt bought her a penguin game that we played for the first time on the ride home . I can only imagine what the other passengers thought of us . In this game , the penguin has to slap ( at times using " fish - chucks " , numchucks made of fish ) cockroaches , birds , and rats . Halle needed help at times : " Mom , you 've got to smack that rat ! He 's a bad guy ! Those birds are bad , too ! Smack the birds ! " Anyway , during the trip we went to the Walla Walla county fair , which is one of my favorite times and places . I grew up showing sheep at this fair , sheep usually named George . My nieces and nephews were all showing sheep this year , so we watched and even participated . The girls each earned suckers in Pee - wee showmanship . I 'm very proud . Also , the suckers were delicious . I talked my brother , sister - in - law Stephanie , mom , and one of my friends into showing with me . We all borrowed sheep and led them into the ring . My mom showed dairy cows when growing up , so she decided to use charm on the judge . Winking earned her a milkshake and third from last . Stephanie got asked the hardest question of the entire fair , " When was FFA founded ? " Stephanie 's wild guess was only two years off : turns out FFA was founded in 1928 . She got last , which isn 't bad considering she had never been in either 4 - H or FFA . My friend Ashley used a ewe , who was about twice Ashley 's size , and approximately forty times meaner . Ashley had hives afterward . Meanwhile , my jeans were coming down a little in the back , so I decided to tuck my shirt in so that my bright pink underwear wouldn 't show . In a video shot by Ashley 's mom , it was revealed that I had actually tucked my shirt into my underwear . In showmanship , you 're taught to pretend that you have a hole in the back of your pants that the judge can never see . I don 't think that the judge saw my underwear , but everyone else sure did . My brother Tim did pretty well . He got third place , and I think a hamburger or something . They ran out of milk shake certificates , so they gave Steph a sucker . " Because you 're a sucker for coming ! " they joked . Steph did not find them funny . The Fair isn 't always fair . Afterward , we were all chatting in the stands while the girls played in the dirt . Mom bumped me and pointed at Halle . Halle 's pants were down . I rushed to her and tried to pull her pants back up . " MOM , I 'm peeing ! " she yelled . My Mom is visiting right now . There is always some sort of project while she visits , usually to ward off her boredom . My brothers and I have a saying : If you ever want to feel lazy , have Mom and Dad visit . They are really the most hard working people I know . During their first visit , Dad and Mom helped paint the entire downstairs , fix holes in the wall , and fix flooring issues . The second visit , they painted the outside of the house . The third , they built me a pond . The fourth , they remodeled the kitchen . Actually , Mom and I are getting smarter . While the men ( my Dad and Willie ) remodeled the kitchen , we went to the spa . Halle and Morgan watched The Jungle Book and Snoopy Come Home five times each . Patience is certainly the most frustrating virtue . That 's probably why it is a virtue . Something that hard should receive some kind of recognition . I was reminded of another difficult cliche the other day when I sent Halle inside for time out . While playing with her sister outside , an incident occurred wherein I sent Halle inside for four minutes . When I told her it was okay to return , she didn 't hop to the door . I went inside to investigate . Yesterday , during quiet time , it was a little too quiet . So I took a nap . Halle painted her nails . Actually , she painted her feet and hands , but her nails did get covered . Good thing I don 't have any horses either ; otherwise , I would have to hold them . This past weekend , I learned to drive a golf cart . I also learned where to have golf cart chargers fixed when you 're in the Outer Banks . In putting the golf cart into reverse , I accidentally tested its towing capacity . Sure enough . A golf cart can jerk its charger off the wall and tow it a couple feet . We went to the beach , wore the kids out , and then put them down for a nap . While my friends monitored supposedly sleeping children , ( I did hear that Halle pounced on a sleeping Morgan a couple times ) I slipped out . I went to " John 's Golf Carts " and , I assume , spoke to John . " A new one is going to cost you 400 dollars , " he replied . " But I can fix just about any charger for around 50 dollars . I 've fixed them when they 've looked like they were hit by a truck . Do you have it with you ? " Of course I didn 't have it with me . That would have been too easy . It was 4 : 45 , he closed at 5 : 00 and we were leaving the next day . " I 'll tell you what , " John said . " I 'll stay open for you if you go back and get the charger . I 'll fix it while you wait . " The traffic was so bad that it took an hour to travel three miles . But I retrieved the machinery , took it back to the shop , and John was impressed by the damage . " Holy mackerel ! " he exclaimed . I guess the regular mackerel didn 't cover it . But amazing perhaps both of us , he fixed it right up . It always amazes me how God takes care of us : it really doesn 't matter why we need bailed out . Even if we did something incredibly stupid , He is faithful . And I appreciate that He occasionally uses even holy mackerel . " There 's nothing to be scared of here . Just trust in Mother Nature . . . listen for the great wolf 's howl , he says you 're safe here now " the tree in the center of Great Wolf Lodge sings . There 's an entire clock tower that comes alive , including a tree , a child that rises out of a stump , a moose head , raccoon , and Native American woman who emerges from inside a house . These characters collectively give the worst outdoor survival advice imaginable . On top of that , they frightened one little boy so badly that he didn 't trust the hotel for the remainder of his stay . If you think about it , his reaction was probably the most logical . If someone told me to trust wolves , I would keep my eye on ' em . We were there for a conference , a gathering of soldier 's wives . Halle learned a lot . We shared a room with a friend and her two kids - a three year old boy and five year old girl . The boy was getting ready to hit the water park , so he stripped down and streaked across the room . " What was that ? " Halle asked , whipping her head around . " Boys are made different than girls , " I said . " Look at me . Look in my eyes . Focus on me . " It was very educational . The last time we went over there , it resulted in my buying a GPS and Halle throwing up . This time , my friend Casey threw up and her son got a rash that made his skin look like a red T - shirt . It turns out that the levels of chlorine in that indoor water park could probably disinfect the ocean . There are some things that should be common sense , even to a three year old . Then again , in the chain of events that occurred Wednesday , I wasn 't entirely blameless . I was painting something on our back deck for a project and thought that since the girls were playing so intently inside , that I could sneak out and get the painting done before they missed me . Right , like that was going to happen . As they piled out the back door , I told them that they had to wear an old T shirt over their clothes . I ran inside to retrieve the items and found that there was a spot all ready on Morgan 's dress . I slipped a T shirt over Halle , but in my rush to save the dress , I left Morgan outside with just a diaper on . In the three minutes it took for me to run water , rub soap on the paint spot and leave it to soak , Halle was busy . I came outside to find Morgan painted . Morgan 's nose , cheeks , ear , entire tummy , and diaper were all green . " Halle , you are not allowed to paint your sister ! " I said in shock . These are words I had not expected to ever say out loud . Or in my head , for that matter . " Oh , " she said , as though this was a surprising restriction . I ran for the garden hose to wash the child and while I drug that from the side of the house , the girls had painted a large portion of the deck . Our deck will never look the same . As I sprayed down the deck ( after giving Mo a white trash bath ) , I saw Mo painting the item that I had started in the first place . I finished washing what I could , then put away the painting for later when the girls were napping . That 's really what I should have done in the first place , but there 's nothing like learning the same lesson over and over and over again . Buy the person next to on the airplane alcohol . This makes your child 's attempt at hide - and - go - seek actually rather funny and her anecdotes about her imaginary friend hilarious . I didn 't even have to buy the drinks for the Marine sitting next to me . He had a buddy traveling with him who had supplied him a couple rounds before they boarded . The buddy ( we 'll call him Dave ) had not seen drinking alone in a seat down the aisle from a tiny bathroom an obstacle . The spirits were flowing . Dave approached my neighbor and spotted me . He gave me a wink and a couple eyebrow raises . You know they 've had too many when you 're still looking like a viable option with two kids in tow . Neighbor asks Dave to share the riches with him . Dave glances in my direction and stuffs a twenty in Neighbor 's hand , then heads to the bathroom . Huh . Perhaps a lack of generosity would account for my not joining the service . Whatever the case , the flights home were actually somewhat enjoyable . I thank God for that . I also find myself thanking Him for Sam Adams , something I have not had occasion to do before . Two days before Christmas , my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer . After receiving the news one friend asked , " Are they going to hack anything off ? " A very good looking plastic surgeon hacked off something in January . Before going under , the surgeon asked if my mom was ready . " I 'm sure you 've seen better , " she replied , " but I guess I 'm as ready as possible . " My intrepid mother made decisions no one should have to make , received news with grace , and pondered her circumstances with a sense of humor that only comes from knowing that God is in control . Recently , I attended one of her appointments with her . Apparently , only attractive people are allowed to work in plastic surgery offices . As I strolled through the glass doors , I had to wonder if the staff takes bets on what visitors would like to have done . After the appointment , we hit the mall . You need to see some train wrecks after you 've been to a high class clinic . Halle found a purse that looked almost identical to a chihuahua . Grover 's mom needed it , she said . Of course that 's what Grover 's mother would use it for . I wished my mother had chocolate bunnies in her purse for me . The purse looks so real that a dog actually sniffed its butt when we were at a different store . We left feeling more blessed than before we had come . The greatest blessing is seeing my mom well and to have such an intrepid mother to begin with . But not too far down the list is Grover 's mom 's purse . Two weeks ago , the carpet in her bedroom had a much different story . I greeted her Sunday morning when she came downstairs . " How did you sleep ? " I asked . I noticed a clean guest towel crumpled next to the bathroom rug . She had thrown up all over her bed , the carpet , and the guest bed next to her bed . Afterwards , instead of going downstairs and informing me of the situation , she curled up on the bathroom rug and went right back to sleep . After church , we met a friend and went to a Harness race . Standing in a crowd of spectators , I glanced down and saw that Halle 's pants were around her ankles . Diarrhea strikes . I shoved Morgan into my friend 's arms and rushed Halle to the bathroom for a change of clothes . I wonder if Halle will have a recurring nightmare of forgetting to wear pants when she gets older . Last week , we almost got swept away by a tornado . It was during this instance that I was reminded that I am the worst possible person to be with in a crisis situation . My friend whom I had met for coffee had received a phone call that a friend who lived near her had lost her house . So , as we sat waiting for news , power , or a favorable change in the weather , she happened to mention that her house was a mess . " Maybe it won 't matter , " I said . Immediately after saying this , I realized it was not a comforting comment . I suppose the moral of all these events is that you can never be prepared for everything that comes . But you can learn to keep your mouth shut . Obviously , I 'm still working on the second . I shouldn 't be allowed to own fish . I wouldn 't even have fish except my mother insisted that I get a tank so that my daughter could experience the soothing floaty action . I clean our tank when you can 't see the fish any more . Today , it had again reached the point where I wasn 't sure if the fish were alive or dead . I cleaned the tank thoroughly and dumped the fish back inside . ( Neither fish are named , a testament to how unattached everyone is to the fish - even the bat that terrorized our household last week got named " Alexander " . ) Not too long after , I clearly saw them floating at the top of the tank . One would assume that the fish would have died in the putrid sewage they were swimming in previously . Instead , they choose to die when they can actually breathe and see the world . Maybe they were shocked by how my oxygen their gills pumped , or by seeing our cat Rex for the first time . ( They don 't even know that he 's less frightening now that his herpes is under control . ) Now that I 've cleaned the tank , I 'm considering getting another fish . I 've gone to all that trouble - it seems a shame to waste a clean tank . If I did , I would get a gold fish , which I could dump in our pond outside when I tired of it . The last time we did that , Halle actually caught " Black Betty " in the pond , flipped her on the bank , and discovered that fish can 't survive out of water . Again , too much oxygen can kill a fish . When people offer help " if I need anything " , I often wonder what " anything " means to them . Tonight , I wondered if that included bat eradication . Fortunately , the flying rodent did not transform into a vampire , which would have been at least equally frightening as the large , furry , pteranodon - like creature I almost stepped on . Climbing the stairs with both children in tow , I noticed a furry - looking creature the next step up . " Wait a second , " I said to Halle she raised her foot . I put my hand on her stomach , keeping her from ascending . " That looks kind of like a bat . " Hearing the name of its species , the bat removed all doubts by screaming like a fire alarm . I grabbed both children , lifted the gate at the bottom of the stairs off its hinges , and threw it on the floor . The three of us sought refuge in my bedroom . " Wait here , " I told the girls , and grabbed my phone . Calling a friend , I asked for advice . Sonja suggested covering it with a blanket . I reached for a blanket , cast the net , and watched in horror as a bat wing found the edge and then sidled along . The bat 's screams were thinly muffled by the blanket which I will now wash at least three times . The bat succeeded to fly upward two stories to the skylight , where it was impossible to be trapped . Shooting it was clearly the only option . My friend 's husband called her . Sonja answered the telephone with the greeting , " Kara has a bat in her house and she 's planning to shoot it . " " That is a poor decision , " he replied . Fortunately , another friend had supplied her son Zach , who is a hunter . I met him at the door with an air rifle . As I pointed out the pest and explained the situation , I told him I didn 't know how it had entered my house . Halle 's voice from behind my bedroom door came , " It 's Grover 's bat ! Grover let it in ! " I felt strangely betrayed by her imaginary friend . Zach shot the bat , but only made it scream again and fly around before it attached itself to the same spot . Changing tactics , Zach was able to trap the bat with a telescoping net , then cover the top with a blanket and release the furry flyer into the outdoors . I paid Zach with cookies . Halle told us Grover would be very surprised that the bat was gone . I told her to relay to Grover that I did not want a bat in the house again . She called him up . " It 's for you , " she said , handing the phone to Zach . Zach declined talking to Grover , but I think the monster got the message . Let 's hope so . Posted by This past weekend , the girls and I headed the Great Wolf Lodge on the other side of the state . The lodge houses an indoor water park , maintained at a balmy 80 degrees year round . The water park , in my opinion , has way too many surprises ( water shoots , dumps , gurgles , and sprays at different times and places constantly ) but I guess some people enjoy that sort of thing . I 'm not a big one for surprises . As soon as we started home , I realized that my plan of reversing the directions I had printed out in order to come home might be a flawed plan . I got hopelessly lost . At one point , I said to Halle ( in an empty parking lot ) , " We 're going EAST ! I think we 're supposed to be going west . I can 't believe I did that ! " Halle interjected , " I would like to say right now that my vote is for east . " It turned out she was right , which must have been nice for her because about ten minutes away from the hotel , she had thrown up all over herself . We pulled over to get her cleaned up . " Grover threw up , too , " Halle told me . Grover is one of Halle 's imaginary friends . He has a herd of cows that travel with him , as well as a couple of dinosaur buddies and his cat named Lotion . Fortunately for everyone , imaginary vomit does not smell or create much of a mess . The whole adventure home ( which took four hours instead of two ) reminded me of one that I took two years ago with my Dad and sister - in - law Stephanie . Attending my brother 's boot camp graduation , we stayed in a hotel with a toilet that sprayed water all over Steph , I threw up in a McDonald 's drive - through , and we got so lost that we drove two hours out of our way before realizing our mistake . In addition to this , I was turning left and keeping an eye on some kids who were J - walking to the right of my car . I failed to notice a driver careening toward us , which Stephanie pointed out . Slamming my foot on the gas , we safely reached the turn lane . I stretched my hand over to my dad in the passenger seat . " High five for staying alive , " I said . Dad slapped my hand and Stephanie recovered from her heart attack . I really didn 't think the " check engine soon " light had a , " now " after it , but apparently it does . I had had the light checked out a couple weeks ago , but was told it was an emissions thing and that I was fine to continue driving it as long as there wasn 't an environmentalist behind me . So Sunday evening , I planted my girls in their car seats , had a cup of hot tea in the center console and was surprised to find that the check engine light did not come on - because nothing did . The car would not revive , regardless of my excellent pep talk . I 've been giving cars pep talks since I drove my first car , the ' 66 Chevy Impala , which was roughly the size of a barge . It would often pass out on me , in which I would pop the hood , look at the gigantic engine , and then begin my talk . " Listen , you and I both know that I have no idea what I 'm looking at , let alone how to help you . So if you want fixed , you had better get yourself together and get us home where there 's someone who can nurse you back to health . " It often worked . Today , it did not . Kindly , the car did not die on my birthday . It waited a full 24 hours after the date in question . Four years ago , my jeep did not have that decency . The morning of this birthday in question , I went to work and then commenced vomiting every 15 minutes . I told my boss ( near a toilet ) that I needed to leave work and seek medical attention . I drove myself to the hospital ( taking a couple of pit stops along the way ) and then was given a couple bags of IV fluid . After I was discharged , I went to crank the old girl up , and was met with a wrrrrr - rrrrr cough . It had to be jumped twice before I was able to stumble home . Willie , not being much of a phone person , did not check any of his messages and was surprised to find me in bed when he arrived home . He had brought me chocolates . Since I was not in much of a mood for them , he ate them himself . So this morning , I learned to jump the car by myself . I watched a you tube video on the subject wherein the instructor said , " This red cable you clip on the positive terminal . This black one can go anywhere . " I called my friend Kat , who referred me to her husband , who walked me through the process . I was still unsuccessful , so he and Kat came over this afternoon . It turns out you 're supposed to take some plastic covers off the battery terminals . That was not in the you tube video . Out new kitten has feline herpes . A friend commented , " Don 't they have kitty condoms for that ? " It 's surprising that they don 't . It turns out that 95 percent of cats have the disease , but many of them never become symptomatic . Stress triggers herpes , so if you come to my house , please be nice to my cat . This was the first time I have ever taken a cat to the vet . Growing up , only the most expensive animals received medical attention . Since cats were free , they never made it . Once , we adopted a white kitten that had a hernia . We just duct taped the hernia up . When we were first married , Willie and I had a cat named Ike . I have never seen a cat so full of hate before . That cat despised Willie . Anything that smelled like him was peed on . Ike also befriended a raccoon , which he went through our garbage and shared his meals with . The final straw was when the cat used Willie 's custom made guitar case as a litter box . We gifted the cat to Willie 's parents , who accidentally flattened the cat with their car within a month . But my favorite cat memories are from our almost life - long friends , the Durfees . The Durfee kittens never seemed about to stay out of the driveway . On more than one occasion , Laurie ( Mrs . Durfee ) would hit a kitten on our way somewhere , lean over to my brother and me and whisper , " Distract the girls while I bury the kitten " . One such kitten was not killed but merely disfigured . She was thereafter called , " Mrs . Wobbles " . Mrs . Wobbles was caught wobbling out into the road and lying down several times . She finally succeeded in her suicide attempts . We have also had many wonderful cats and some have died of old age . We 'll see how Rex does . Again , please don 't stress him out . ( Or me , for that matter . ) Thoreau wrote an essay called , " Why I Went Into the Woods " , which I read ( not voluntarily , but read nonetheless ) . I never bothered to read his sequel , " Why I Went Out of the Woods " because that always seemed obvious . But the great thing about going out of the woods is that it feels like a vacation when you get home . Feel like you need a new mattress ? Go sleep on the cold , hard ground . Your bed will feel like heavenly clouds . Feel like your bathroom is too far away ? Hike to one in the freezing cold outdoors . If you 're lucky , there will be one - ply toilet paper . Feel like you can never get your house clean ? Go live in dirt . It 's all about perspective . Of course , when you trade your life of relative ease with relative misery , conflict is inevitable . As my friend Yunjong put it , " I went camping once . I have many stories of being mad at my husband . " I have many stories , too , most of them stemming around differing definitions . I grew up camping , so when we were dating , I told him confidently that I love to camp . Then , I went camping with him . The first evening , I was in shock . Where was the volleyball net ? The poker game ? The snipe hunts , feasts , bonfires . . . none of those existed in Willie 's definition of camping . His definition : camping - sleeping near a river and / or lake and fishing from dawn until dusk . This trip , I brought a book . I 'm learning . You always learn something about each other when you 're camping . This trip , we learned that Halle walks in her sleep . In the middle of a frigid night , I heard something moan and smack the side of the tent . " That sounds like Halle , " I thought . I checked her sleeping bag and found it empty . I woke up Willie . We coached Halle back into the tent . " I 'm freezing ! " she said . Willie tucked her back into the sleeping bag . " How long were you out there ? " he asked . " Three hours ! " she replied . Of course , she wasn 't out there for three hours . But it probably felt like three hours , the same way that were were technically camping for three days , but it felt ( and smelled ) like three weeks . This is another great thing about camping : it lasts longer than a regular vacation . Vacations always fly by too fast and never come soon enough . I think I 'll be satisfied if I don 't camp for another year or even longer . Unfortunately , I recognize the scratching inside my chimney . These little visitors have overstayed their welcome before . As a matter of fact , this is our third squirrel infestation . The first was in our attic in Georgia ( one feisty little feller chewed through the brake lines on a guy 's car in the parking lot ) . The second was a couple of years ago , after a rare red cockated woodpecker pecked an enormous hole on the side of our wooden chimney . This prompts several questions : 1 . ) Why would anyone ever build a wooden chimney ? , 2 . ) Why are these woodpeckers protected ? , 3 . ) What will happen to us if we shoot the woodpeckers or squirrels within city limits ? The third question has unfortunately been answered by my neighbor , a very nice lady who used to work for the police department . She kindly informed me that she would call the cops if she saw any suspicious business . She is actually very nice . The second infestation also raised the question of how to get the boogers out of the chimney . We can 't smoke them out since we can 't actually use our fireplace . It was at one time a gas - burning fireplace , but the lines have since been removed . Now , a set of candles inhabits the inside . They lend a nice ambiance for the rodents . So , Willie built a squirrel pole . This is a survival technique where you take a pole , attach snares and shiny things and set it in the path of squirrels . The squirrel pole was set up in front of our bird feeder . Fortunately , we weren 't depending on it for food . It was unsuccessful for three months . After a slight alteration ( Oh ! This must be the right squirrel path ! ) , a squirrel was caught . I carried our 18 month old daughter up the porch steps and watched in horror as a squirrel hanged itself right in front of us . But this story does have a happy ending : Willie was able to use the tail to tie some fishing flies . I don 't know what will become of these squirrels . If they contributed , that would be one thing . Maybe I can train them to bring nuts and seeds or something . At least it isn 't mice . Halle got so angry with me that she removed all of her clothing . Fortunately , we were at home . I don 't know why that seemed an appropriate response , but it reminded me of a similar incident involving her father . When we first bought our house , we removed the carpet and began installing laminate flooring . While laying the panels , Willie encountered " some trouble " . Whenever power tools are involved , trouble is of massive proportion . We had limited materials , so one wrong cut was a crucial error . He was so frustrated , he wanted to throw something . However , doing so not only would ruin the floor that had all ready been laid , it would not be able to be replaced . Thus , in his anger , he wriggled out of his shirt and threw that on the floor . I think it helped . I laughed so hard I had to leave the room . It was such a logical , well - executed outburst it should not be openly ridiculed . Anyhow , Halle seems to have inherited this same rationale . She also shares her father 's hatred of smelly dogs . Yesterday , Halle began pointing and yelling " Bad dog ! " at our innocently relaxing animal . " What are you doing ? " I asked . " She 's really a good dog . Why are you yelling at her like that ? " Halle replied with great feeling , " When she passes gas , she is a bad dog ! " It really isn 't Maddy 's fault . Morgan would rather feed the dog than herself . Occasionally , I have to put the dog outside so that Morgan will eat something . Since outbursts don 't work in gaining the upper hand , Halle has developed a rather ingenious method to get what she wants . She has numerous friends whom she never gets upset with or even argues with . Of course , they 're all imaginary , but they seem like good company . She asked me if she could watch a movie today . I told her that she couldn 't . " Well , let me ask Grover , " she replied . Grover is one of her friends . He has a cat named " Lotion " , a herd of cows , and a posse of dinosaurs . " Grover , is it okay if I watch a movie ? " ( Turning and speaking in a lower voice ) , " Why , yes , Halle ! You may watch a movie ! See Mom , it 's okay with Grover , so I will go pick one out . " These imaginary friends are so handy , I 'm thinking of getting myself a few . Halle performed her first successful Heimlich maneuver today . Hearing Morgan wailing , I entered the room she was in and found Halle standing next to her with an expression that read , " I 'm going to get in trouble , aren 't I ? " I demanded to know what had happened . " Well , I just dropped her . " " You WHAT ? " " I was just trying to get the marble out of her mouth . " I congratulated Halle on her success and thanked God that He works through big sisters . It 's amazing how humbling parenting is . It 's also amazing how marbles can multiply and race throughout your house , be hidden countless times , and be dragged out of the depths of closets by a determined three year old . Potato heads share this ability . Their parts never fit in their behinds , and if you find most of them , jam them together , and take them to Goodwill , body parts will miraculously appear and regenerate upon your return . Don 't get me started on puzzles . I have bought numerous puzzles with the intention of sharpening Halle 's comprehension , coordination , and creativity . ( Apparently , I should just focus on First Aid . ) I go crazy before they can serve their purposes . Last Christmas , I bought her a bear puzzle that features Papa Bear , Mama Bear , and Baby Bear . You can change their faces to reflect different emotions as well as their outfits . Unable to wait for the green light for unwrapping , Halle served three separate sentences in time out . When she finally opened the bear puzzle , she arranged the emotions accordingly : Papa Bear and Mama Bear had angry faces , while Baby Bear had tears running down his furry face . That puzzle is on top on the refrigerator now . Halle may not have a future in psychology , but the medical field is still in the running . Last night , I discovered that my 3 year old daughter cheats at cards . It was a bit of a shocking revelation , especially since I hadn 't noticed her stealing my Go Fish pairs . She began laughing uproariously and waving a 3 of fishes around . " I stole this card ! " she exclaimed , unable to conceal her conquest any longer . Shocked , Willie and I could do nothing but laugh . Last week , I concealed something perhaps equally impish . At the end of the grocery cycle , I poured the last bit of Rice Crispies and milk into a bowl for Willie . Busy doing something else , we both failed to notice Monkey Cat on the counter feasting on his breakfast . I turned and quickly shooed her away , unsure of the next course of action . If I came clean , Willie would not only miss out on breakfast , ( we had NO OTHER food in the house ) but he would be very cranky . Wasn 't it better that he leave the house with a full stomach and a happy disposition ? Wasn 't it better that we still have a cat ? Of course , like Halle I could not keep the information to myself and blurted it out after he came home . These events prove that I would make a horrible poker player . Hiding emotion has never held much interest for me . This is something else I inherited from my mother . Mom and Dad came to visit at Christmas . Mom and I went to the spa , where there is a " quiet area " . The quiet area has a hot tub , steam room , and sauna . On the door before you enter , there is a sign that says clothing is optional . To me , that means pants are optional . A bathing suit is not optional . This is America , people . Not a beach in France . A woman who interpreted the sign differently was enjoying the steam room . My mom entered and almost bumped into the woman 's ample flesh . " Excuse me ! " she said in surprise . If the woman was bothered , she had a better poker face than mine . " No problem , " she cheerfully replied . Mom left . Sometimes leaving is the most tactful course of action . " Unexpected Gift " is the meaning of Halle 's name . I find that the best gifts are unexpected . . . you expect them to be one way , but they surprise you and are another ; they are continually changing and delighting ; they are exhausting and yet rewarding in ways that make you praise our great God . We have been blessed in ways that I never imagined possible a year ago . This past year was full of heartache and struggle and yet looking back , full of unexpected gifts .

Make collections of pages and videos that interest you . Share your scrapbook or keep it private . Add key words , so that others can find it . AboutThe researchNews & BlogGet involvedScrapbooksLoginRegister Menu Now Playing Westley was stabbed by a stranger . He had asked the other man to wait his turn while getting money from a cash machine . Ann heard the news from a family friend over the telephone . Yes , Westley , on the 12th September 2005 had actually decided to spend the day with his older brother , and had gone across to his home around midday , and during the early part of the afternoon he decided he would go and get some cash from the nearest cash machine , rather than wait until he 'd actually got into town . The first cash machine he went to the machine wasn 't working , so he then cycled down to another parade of shops , just on a , on a small estate . There were about six or seven shops on this parade , and he put his bicycle against a wall , waited in the queue , and as the lady left the machine and he went to step up , so somebody tried to push in front of him . He naturally , as I believe most people would do , I certainly would do , he said to the person that they should wait their turn . And the person became very angry , went away swearing , and unbeknown to Westley telephoned his brother . During the actual court case that we went through , roughly about 11months after the incident , there was CCTV footage that showed Westley having used the machine and putting his money away , he was talking to the man that had been behind , and they look across in puzzlement towards the car park area where a car had pulled in at speed , out jumped the driver who joined the earlier man that had tried to push in front of Westley , we later came to realise they were brothers . They walked purposefully at speed towards Westley and the other man , who was still looking puzzled , and one appeared to punch Westley in the neck . He had in fact a knife in his hand , and severed Westley 's carotid artery . This actually happened at 3 o ' clock in the afternoon . It was 18th September 1992 , the boys had gone over to a youth centre , this was about half past ten , they knew they had had to be back by half past ten . My wife and I were just about to go to bed and actually got ready for bed , we were actually in bed , knowing the boys would be home any moment , then we received a phone call from one of my sons , saying that the eldest son was being stabbed and beaten up , on waste ground , at the back of our house . We then quickly got dressed and raced over to the waste ground , we met our other son over there , but by the time we got there it was too late , we found our eldest son lying there in a pool of blood . After what seemed like an eternity , the police finally arrived , and at that time the police said , he felt , he thought he could feel the pulse , I couldn 't , I tried , I couldn 't , I 'd tried I couldn 't feel a pulse on my son , and about five minutes later the ambulance crew came . We were then taken back round our own home , supported by a couple of police officers who were basically with us . And I suppose about half an hour later they announced he was dead . Just to go back to that original part , what happened was one of the boys [ who killed my son ] , I should have mentioned it I suppose stole a motor bike and went into the car park where my sons were playing . I think they were kicking a ball around or something , and almost run them over , and what happened at that point was my eldest son who got killed , he went up and kicked the bike and said , " What 're you doing , you know , you nearly just run us over ? " And at that point , the boy said , " I 'm going to get my mate to stab you . " That 's how it all came about . That 's how he got the murder charge actually . Me and my husband were going away to a wedding . My , my friend , very good friend was getting married in Cyprus . So it was all booked and planned and had been done for about 12 months and the plan was that my mum was going to come to my house , look after the children while myself and my husband went away . Everything was hunky - dory . Off we went . We arrived in Cyprus late on the 16th June and went down for breakfast the following morning . I changed some currency , sat by the pool and the concierge came looking for me . And I presumed it was something to do with my passport . We 'd had a bit of a joke because it was about 9 years old my passport and I looked very different . And I was ushered into a room and there was some very official looking people there , so I knew straight away something , it was something quite serious . And they asked me to confirm my name and date of birth and the lady said to me , " I 've got some terrible news " . And it was a gut feeling , I knew straight away it was Ben . I just said , " It 's Ben , isn 't it ? " And she said , " Yes . I 'm sorry to tell you but he 's been killed . " So firstly I thought it was a car crash and the next thing I was just on my knees on , on the floor in this room screaming . I just don 't know where it came from . I just started howling . And my husband heard me . He , he was by the pool and I said , " What 's happened , what 's happened ? " And she said , " He 's been stabbed . I 've got no other details . We need to get you home . " And I said , " I need to ring my mother . " So they gave me the phone . Unbeknown to me my mother , my mother had also been attacked which I didn 't know at the time . I rang my mum 's and my brother answered the phone and he said , " Look , Terri , just get home . " I said , " What 's happened with mum , what 's happened ? " He said , " We 'll tell you when you get back . " There were very good people at the hotel . They got me , me and my husband into a taxi almost immediately and we were on a plane within about an hour and a half . I drank a litre of brandy believe it or not and I don 't ' know how I walked off that plane . But I did , I just felt so violently sick . So arrived home literally a few hours later , to be told that three people had come into the house late evening , into my family home . They 'd chased Ben down the road . He 'd come home from his job at about eight o ' clock at night and unbeknown to Ben these three men were waiting for him at the end of our cul - de - sac . They didn 't know who he was . One of them did but the other two sort of had a description of him . They chased him down the road . He ran into the front room , just literally opened the front door and ran in and said , " Grandma , there 's somebody after me . " My mum had just got out of the shower , she was still in her dressing gown , and , and my daughters were downstairs . And the next minute there was , there was three men , aged 27 , 35 and 17 raining blows on my son . Just started to batter him . And my mum had no idea what was going on . The next thing my mum was punched and kicked and knocked to the ground and she was , she lost consciousness for a few minutes . When she came round Ben came staggering into the lounge with three stab wounds , one which had pierced his heart . And he , my mum just said , " Who , who is it Ben , who 's done this ? " He named that , the man that had done it and the next door neighbour came and tried , tried to resuscitate him . And the ambulance came He were , he was taken to the local hospital but was dead on arrival . We ' we 've since found out , obviously during , well basically during the next 24 hours that the younger of the the three , who was seventeen , had had a grudge against Ben for seven months over a girl . The seventeen year old had been out with a girl who 'd finished with him in favour of Ben . Ben had started going out with this girl for a couple of months , the relationship had even finished , but he 'd been emailing people telling them how much he hated Ben and that he was jealous of him . Ben was the captain of the football team he was , obviously i 'm very biased , he was a beautiful looking boy . On the 12th October 2005 , my Mum had gone to work . My Dad had dropped my Mum off at work and he 'd called round here at lunchtime , and somebody had telephoned him to say that my Mum hadn 't turned up at her job . And instantly that unnerved me , and I felt quite worried . I felt like intuitively I knew something was wrong . And my Dad said , " Well you know your Mum , she 's always helping people . She 's probably stopped along the way and she 's helping someone . " And it didn 't feel right . It didn 't feel right at all . So I said , " Well can we ring the hospital ? " The local hospital , and make sure that nothing 's happened . That my Mum 's been taken in . So my Dad said , " Okay , then we 'll do that . " And we rang the hospital and no , no , no Mum , no lady of that description or age had been taken in . So I got my Dad to keep ringing the place where my Mum was supposed to have gone to work . There was just no answer . Anyway my Dad sat for a while , Then he went home . And I came up to bed for a lay down and I started crying because I just knew something terrible had happened . And I kept saying , " Oh please Mum where are you ? Please be alright . " And I couldn 't rest . And about , my Dad was due to pick my Mum up at half past three so I was so stressed out and impatient that at half past three I rang my Dad 's house , and my Dad answered the phone , and I said , " You , you haven 't picked Mum up have you ? " And he said , " No , I 've had to ring the police and report your Mum missing . " And I thought , " No , that doesn 't ring true . That doesn 't sound right . " Because my Dad can 't have been there , come home , rung the police , all by half past three , so , something , no somebody 's not telling me the truth here . So I then had to get up and I felt so anxious and stressed out . And it was a terrible time because I knew something was wrong . And I sat downstairs . I like to watch Home and Away , that 's my little treat for the day , and I sat to watch Home and Away , and I was still worried and thinking of my Mum , and then I heard footsteps , footsteps coming up the path , and I stood up and looked out , and I saw my Dad , and I saw a lady and a man with him . And I went to the glass of the door , and I just looked and I just started , I became hysterical , and I started saying , " No , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , can 't be . " And I opened the door . , they came in , and … They just said ; I was going around the house and wouldn 't let anyone near me and I was just saying , " Get off me , no , no , no , no , no I can 't hear this . No , I can 't do this . " And my Dad got hold of me and tried to calm me down , and they said , " We have found a lady 's body , we can 't tell you anymore than that . " And I was saying , " Well what do you mean ? Found a lady 's body , what can have happened ? It is an accident ? Has she taken an overdose ? " And I was running through my mind what could have happened . What has Mum had a fall and cracked her head or ? And nobody could tell us anything . And then I just become detached . It was like I came outside of my body and I was looking at myself in this horrendous situation , but my body was trying to protect me . It felt like your body being protective , because it was just too much to take in . It was just way too much to take in . Absolute shock , horror , disbelief , I can 't hear this , because it can 't be true . And it was horrendous . The next day the police came back around , and I remember one of , the man came into the lounge and he said , " I 'm awfully sorry to tell you this , but your wife was actually murdered . " And , I remember my Dad 's words , he went , " Oh God . Oh . " And we just couldn 't believe it , and like the first thing my Dad said was , " Can you tell us , was she sexually assaulted as well ? " And , and , and he said , " No , I can confirm that your wife wasn 't assaulted , you know sexually assaulted . " And , I don 't know , I 'd , you just go , you just can 't take it in , it 's just too horrendous , your mind cannot cope with such a huge shock . Now Playing A newspaper article described two people who had been stabbed . Lisa thought one might be her ex - boyfriend so she rang the police and was asked to identify him . The shock and distress made her ill . In November 1996 , a friend of mine that I used to go out clubbing with , she was murdered in her own home . And we didn 't know who had done that for a long time . There was Crimewatch programme on it . And we all had our DNA taken . That must 've been terrible . Did he not have any close relatives living nearby ? He , he 's from the north of England and you know living down here and . I 'd read in the paper that day that two people had been stabbed . And I thought that sounds like my ex - boyfriend , I wonder if it is . And I rang the police and they said , " Well it possibly is . Can you come and identify him ? " [ laughs ] . So I did . Well straight after that there 's a gallery round the corner from the coroner and there were some big paintings that I really liked . And it was early in the morning and I went to the gallery . And I went in and sat in this room by myself , surrounded by these beautiful big paintings , Rothko . Do you know Rothko ? Beautiful big red … I just had a peaceful , quiet moment to myself just reflecting . And then , and the after that my life had just changed beyond description . I used to be really outgoing , happy , capable , confident person . And when my first friend died , it was like the world had changed so . And everybody was normal and going on about their business and I was working and I was just thinking , " How can you all be normal ? People don 't … this doesn 't happen in life . I don 't get it . " And then when my ex was murdered , I was just like , I can 't do this anymore , I don 't … I can 't . Life doesn 't make sense . This is not normal . It 's not ok . It 's not reality , as people know it . And that I felt like at that point , part of my soul just left . I just thought , " I 'm not staying here , this horrible . I don 't like being here . " And that I wasn 't very well after that . Adam 's brother , Lloyd , was murdered by " thugs " who hit him over the head with a wooden sign . They beat him unconscious , broke his jaw and inflicted several other injuries . Adam wanted to cry but he felt that he had to be strong for his parents ' sake , so he choked back his tears . He also had other reactions . And then as I figured it out , I could hear that he was crying , and he said , " Adam , Lloyd 's , Lloyd 's been attacked , he 's dead " , and I remember that , well I just went into a daze really , I can 't even , I can 't even say I felt anything , I didn 't even feel sad , I didn 't I didn 't know what to think , I was just like a zombie after that . And they said that the police were going to come and pick me up and take me to the , to the hospital , so that I could meet them there and see him and things like that . I got dressed , I was wandering around the house just aimlessly , I mean my housemate was still up and he said you know , " What 's the matter ? " And I said , " My brother 's been , my brother 's dead . " And I just didn 't , I didn 't have any sort of reaction on my face at all . Although to be honest and I don 't like saying it , because I think it 's a really weird thing , to react like but , I might as well be honest because other people might have reacted the same to news like that , I actually laughed , and I can never understand why , but then it happened again , I was with some friends and we were having a joke and a laugh just trying to lighten the mood , and I can remember we were laughing so hard our sides were splitting and I can remember because I was laughing so much it just suddenly turned into this horrendous amount of crying , but I managed to stop myself before it got like that , because there was this thing at the back of my mind the whole time saying , " Don 't cry , don 't be stupid , " you know , " Pull yourself together . " So , even now if I start crying , two sniffles later and then I stop because I feel stupid even when I 'm on my own . I don 't know , it 's one of the things that was said to me by a member of the family , I don 't know whether , I don 't know whether it was that but I was told , " Be strong for your parents " , so every time I started to get upset I would choke it back , and walk away , anything to not let myself be seen crying and things like that . And I think as a result of that that maybe one of the reasons that I 'm unable to cry as much now because I 've got this built in thing saying , " Don 't , don 't cry , don 't be silly , be strong . " and going to back to before going to the hospital , my parents turned up in the end , and they said the police were unable to pick me up and take me to the hospital because they didn 't have enough police cars . They didn 't have enough resources . So my parents turned up . Well , it was it was a Christmas in 1992 , and I 'd recently got married to Jonathan , my husband , we got married in the September , after a very short courtship and Jonathan had moved to London and he 'd only been in London for about six weeks , and he was just settling down and we were settling into a new routine of life , and his family had come over from Italy for Christmas , and he had gone to the airport to meet them . There was his mother and his father and his two brothers and his sister , and he 'd gone to the airport to meet everybody from the flight from Italy , to bring them back across London on the flat , and there wasn 't enough room in one of my friends cars for a lift , so Jonathan had to travel on the underground to come , to come home really , and he came home with his brother on the underground . So they had to travel across London on the Victoria line up to Finsbury Park , and at Finsbury Park , when they got to Finsbury Park there was a man on the platform who went up behind Jon and attacked Jon and stabbed him three times in the face and one of the blows pierced Jon 's artery above his right eye , and he didn 't regain consciousness , so he didn 't have a chance after the attack really . And the man who killed Jon , who attacked Jon that day put the knife back in his pocket , the tube driver was arriving into the platform when they saw the attack happening and stopped the tube , and the man put the knife back in his pocket , sat on the train and waited to be arrested . And a policeman came to my flat where I was waiting for the whole family to come back , to tell me that ; I answered the door to the police and they told me that Jon had been involved in an incident , and that I needed to go to the hospital . And I realised perhaps that I needed to ask somebody to be there with me , so I rang a friend because my family lived in Cornwall , and went to the hospital , and on the way to the hospital I was informed that Jon had been stabbed in the face and I asked the police officer whether they knew that , whether he was going to die or not , and he said that he didn 't , that he didn 't know . And I remember getting to the hospital and there being lots of police there , yes , men in suits I call them , and Jon 's brother , and they made us wait , the clinical team made us wait because they said they were giving Jon a brain scan . That there was a good sign because Jon was still breathing , so there was that , you know , that was a good sign , and they , we waited . It was 15th of September 2006 and we were home asleep , myself and my partner . And we 'd just come back from holiday in Switzerland . And we 're fast asleep . It was as far as I 've been told , about eleven o ' clock at night or just after . And the phone rang and I thought , and I always knew that whenever the phone rings at that time , there 's something wrong . But I always get annoyed that someone can ring us at this time and usually it 's my brother or my sister . They both live abroad . Or someone I know that lives abroad and I reached for the phone and then answered . And someone 's voice … and I can 't remember all words . But all I remember is that they said , " Fatally wounded " [ crying ] . And I think … vaguely remember him asking if I am Tom Easton 's mother . And when he said fatally wounded I , I didn 't comprehend . I just asked , " Where is he , which hospital ? " " What 's happened ? " And he said , " I 'm sorry , he was fatally wounded . " And then I just … I couldn 't speak anymore and I passed the phone to my partner . And I 've been told after that I rang a friend . And she wasn 't there and or she was and probably asleep . And I was just screaming , " Tom was killed " [ crying ] . Now Playing Marcus ' fiancée , Louise , was stabbed by a man who pretended to offer Marcus work . Initially Marcus was treated as a suspect . He was shocked when the police told him Louise was dead . Yes . Just twenty - two years ago my fiancée was brutally stabbed to death in south London . And the way that came about I actually met a man who offered me a gainful employment , at the time I was unemployment . And we decided to proceed with me taking the job he gave me . And over the next two to three days we became , I guess friends . Little did I know that the time that the person I 'd met had only recently been released from a jail in Scotland , for cutting somebody 's throat . Having served his time , having been released , he 'd only been out of jail six weeks . And he came to London with a view ; so I 'm told by the police etcetera , that he came to London with a view to kill somebody to go back to jail . I met him in a bar . We became friends . And in the next three days , we decided to invite him to our home for dinner . And on that particular evening , he asked me to make a phone call . In those days , it was 1987 … mobile phones were built like a brick . And nobody had any because you couldn 't afford them . And also at the time we 'd just moved to our new house and we didn 't , we weren 't on the phone . So I had to go to use a red phone box , which I did . I didn 't realise at the time , he gave me a false name and false number to ring . And it was that point in , in , in the evening when I tried ringing the person he gave me the phone number for , I realised something was drastically wrong . And by the time I reached the end of my street , I , all I could see was police lights and cars trained on what I thought was my neighbour 's house . In actual fact it was mine . And as I ran jumping fences and fences because I didn 't know what was going on , I was panicking . And the nearer and nearer I got , I realised that it was my , my house . And I rapidly approached the door and was knocked back the police and pinned to the ground . And at that point I was screaming , I didn 't know what had gone on . And all the neighbours were out in the streets . And I was taken into the back of a police car and arrested at that point . It , it was a matter of minutes . And it was during … on the , the enormous journey back from the property in south London to the nearest police station , we were doing over a hundred miles an hour . And on the radio , the police radio , they said , " Slow down it 's ok , we 've , we 've got the man " . There was a lot more stronger words were said than that . But it wasn 't until we got back to the police station , about an hour and half later , that … I was stripped and given a paper suit . I still … nobody 's … nobody told me why . And I was asking what had happened all the time . And they said , " We can 't tell you " . And eventually they got me into a room , out of the cell and they said , " We got some bad news for you , your wife 's dead " . And I said , " Well that 's ok because I 'm not married " . But we both wore wedding rings because we couldn 't afford to get married . So we both wore wedding rings and pretended . And he said , he gave my fiancé 's name and he just said , " She died an hour ago " . So I was in total shock . And then I was sedated by the police surgeon . And I woke up the next morning thinking it was a bad dream . For example , Alison 's estranged husband had killed two of their children after they had had a violent argument . Some of the killers were ex - boyfriends or ex - girlfriends . Angela talked about her cousin , who lived in Jamaica and who had been murdered by her boyfriend . She also talked about her UK friend whose grandson had stabbed her to death . Displayed below Angela had recently lost a cousin and a friend through homicide . These two deaths devastated her . She heard about her friend 's death over the telephone . Yes it was in January of this year . I 'm not sure exactly what happened but as I 've been told her boyfriend had attacked her [ Angela 's cousin ] with a machete and she was found , because she was found because at that time she was looking after a little girl , and the little girl was in the house crying and the neighbours noticed that this girl had been crying for a number of hours , if not even a day or so , and they went to investigate and they found my cousin on the on the floor , with a massive head injury , the coroner said had she received help a lot earlier , she would 've survived , but she basically bled to death leaving three children , the youngest of whom is 15 . Well it 's still traumatic . Yes , a friend of mine that I 'd met about five and a half years ago now , six years ago , I met this woman . She had lost her son , which , who had been murdered , and because of the nature of the work that we do she was a keen , anti - gun and anti - violence campaigner and that 's how we met . And she had such a warming personality that I don 't think I 've come across anybody that has or will say something negative about this individual . And I was at work , in June , and I received a call from a friend , and I couldn 't even understand what my friend was saying , she was so distraught . So that , immediately kind of like you know panicked me a little bit , and like , " What , what , what , what , what . " She couldn 't get her words out so I decided to wait until she could , so instead of saying " What , what , what " , because it just didn 't make any sense , I waited and after a while she just said that our friend had been murdered . I was working on November 30th and my line manager came and asked me to go into the office , there was a police officer wanting to speak to me and a WPC . I just felt sick , I said , " What has happened ? " and in my mind I knew it was my son . I went into the office and it was a PC who I knew who was known to our family that , as a friend . And he just said , " I hate to break this news to you , " and he told us that our , well our son had been killed . Our son was at the other end of the country , he was in the forces , but the incident had nothing at all to do with the forces . I heard he 'd been stabbed by a female and I knew straight away who it would be . It was an ex girl friend who was very jealous , who would not let him go , our son was at his happiest , he had a new girlfriend and everything was going very well for him , but he 'd almost been stalked by this person . I knew my husband would be collecting me from work within about the next half hour so I explained this to the police . I just wanted to be in another world . The police went outside to meet my husband and I was afraid what was going to happen when we told him . Anyway we told my husband and the reaction was as I anticipated . I rang my daughter from the office that I was in . How I was able to do that I don 't know but I just rang her and asked if she could go home , we just wanted to see her at home . He just went white , his head in his hands , and I think we stayed strong for each other , and knowing that we had our daughter . I think if it had just been me on my own I would have just , just collapsed . And legs just went to jelly , it was just surreal . And we got home and our daughter came home and she knew straight away when she saw the police also . She did know the police officer , and my reaction then was how was I going to tell my father ? My father was 88 years of age . Very , very close to our son . Our son had been at war . He 'd written to him religiously as our son had written to him . And it was odd really because our son had spent a couple of hours with his granddad two days prior to this incident . My sister , she was murdered by her ex - partner , two months after her birthday . He beat her up on her birthday , fracturing her cheek in two places and was sent to prison twice and kept getting let out on bail and kept harassing her . And then the last time he got let out on bail , we don 't know whether , it , he says my sister let him back in the house but my nephew said that he didn 't , he didn 't know he were there . And he stabbed her in her carotid artery and she bled to death . It happened at tea , round tea - time - ish but they didn 't get in touch with anybody because obviously they didn 't know any details or anything . They came to the house , the police , and my husband and myself was out and my son kept ringing me , so when I finally answered the phone , I said to him , " What do you want ? " He said , " The police are here . They 've been twice . " " What have you done ? " And he were like , " We haven 't done nothing mum . It 's you they want to see . " And we were sat in the car , the car and my husband and myself were saying what kind of act , you know , " I wonder what the police want . " And I said , " Oh it might be my mum " because we 'd just dropped her off in Birmingham to her , to her friend 's the night before . And my husband said , " It 's Shirley . " He just knew it was my sister even before anybody told us . He just knew it was her . And when we got home he sent the children out . They were all obviously , they were concerned they wanted to know why the police was here . Yes , of course . And the officer sent them back out and he told us . And because I was crying and screaming , the children come running in and they wanted know what was up . You know what 's … well first of all I wanted to know what had happened to her . And he just said , " I can 't divulge that but we think she 's been murdered . " view profile Yes it was September 2007 , my eldest son , who was 27 was at his workplace , there 'd been a disagreement with my youngest daughter and her boyfriend that she hadn 't been with for a couple of weeks . She wanted some stuff out of his house . He was being very rude and wasn 't going to let her have it so she did what I think most young sisters do , she called on her brother for help , with absolutely disastrous effects because basically the ex - boyfriend went to my son 's place of work all ready with a knife in his pocket that was ready to use . In my eyes he had full intention to do what he did and he went there and that 's exactly what he did . And a small disagreement ensued . My son was trying to tell him to just leave my daughter alone and give her a break . You know , if it was the constant texting and phone calls that were going on that he 'd get her a new sim card . . . And an ambulance was called and he taken to our local general hospital . He put up a terrific fight . They resuscitated him ten times , but he was a very fit person . I 'd heard first thing in the morning . Funnily enough , when my daughter had come in and she 'd , she 'd run to me on a Saturday and said , " Mum , you know , my ex is on his way to Kevin 's workplace " . I then rang him and he said he was fine and not to worry and nothing was going to happen and that if he did turn up he would talk him out of it … … and , you know , try and soothe things out and that 's where it went from there . So I rang him . He said everything was okay . I think I 've just repeated that , haven 't I ? And put the phone down . And then literally two minutes later the mobile rang again and Kevin 's name come up and I thought everything was fine and it was his workmate and he 'd said that Kevin had in those minutes just been stabbed . And I rushed down there with my daughter , it took us about , because it was a Saturday morning , it took us a good 15 , 20 minutes to get down there . The ambulances were there . Kevin was already in the ambulance . They wouldn 't let us in . They didn 't give us any information . All we could do was follow the ambulance to the hospital , which we did . I super - glued my bumper to their bumper … … so that I didn 't miss them through any lights or roundabouts and made our way to the hospital where we had to wait in the family room while we were given , you know , various progress points that started off , not very good odds . And the odds didn 't change . And went worse and worse and worse until eventually he couldn 't be saved and he died . 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The world sat on the edge of their seats in July of 1969 . They filled Times Square in New York City as the ticker scrolled around giving updates . The trees and plants must have been starved for Carbon Dioxide as breaths were held all in unison for a few minutes . Then the words came from the lunar surface finally , " Houston , Tranquility Base here , The Eagle has landed . " And breathing resumed on the face of the Earth . The United States had landed two men on the surface of the moon . NASA had spent the last ten years working towards this one moment in time . The newscasts were glued to NASA over the next several hours . Finally the lunar landing module opened up the camera that was attached to one of the legs of the module . The first picture from the Moon 's surface appeared . It was grainy black and white and hard to tell what was what without the newscasters pointing out the various features of the picture . It was a few hours later when our attention was returned to the camera mounted on the Lunar Module . We watched as slowly the figure of a man in a space suit made his way down ladder to one of the land feet that rested on the surface . He was finally standing on the landing foot and the words came over the television . " Okay , I am going to step off the LEM now . That 's one small step for man , one giant leap for mankind . " and with those words Neil Armstrong firmly planted his foot onto the surface of the moon . History had been made . Soon Armstrong was joined by his fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin on the surface . They were on the surface but a couple of hours and they had business to take care of . The world watched as the men collected samples from the moon 's surface . They planted an American flag on the surface . They read a plaque that was mounted onto the base of the landing vehicle . While they were doing their chores , I looked out the front door . It was a full moon and I walked over to the door and looked up at it . I couldn 't see them but right now Armstrong and Aldrin were walking around up there . It was hard for me to wrap my head around . Dad looked at me looking outside and asked me what I was doing , " Nothing " I answered and went back to watch the astronauts answer a phone call from the President while they were still on the surface . It was over too soon . Before long the two men had returned inside the module and prepared to leave the surface of the moon . They were able to launch from the surface and dock with the command module and head home to a heroes welcome . This had been a night I would never forget , and still haven 't . This special edition not only dealt with Apollo 11 , but also gave the history leading up to the moon landing and gave predictions as to what the future held . Among the " future " items was a space ship that would look kind of like a plane . It would be launched into space and then return home as a glider plane where it could be used again to go up into space . A reusable space module . The sketches of the futuristic space plane would become a reality with the launching and development of the Space shuttles . At the age of twelve , those few historic hours had made an impact on my life that would never leave . Science , engineering and doing the impossible would lead me into a career filled with much of the same . Forward to early 1981 . I had been working for Dit - MCO International for two years . We made cable testers and printed circuit board testing machines that was mostly for use in new military weapons and vehicles . We also had a vast amount of equipment at NASA to help test out the Space Shuttle before it made it 's maiden voyage . It was exciting work and we felt like we were producing very important equipment for the country . During this time , the company was growing at a very fast pace and we were hiring new engineering personnel on a consistent basis . One of these new hires was a Russian immigrant named Larissa Vainstien . She and her family had immigrated to the United States in order to work in the engineering field that was far more complicated then what they were use to in the Soviet Union . Larissa knew almost nothing about the United States other then the history that she would need to get her citizenship . We took it upon ourselves to teach her American culture . We introduced her to some of the sports history of our country and to the basic rules of sports . We taught her the basics of baseball so she could watch it and understand it a little bit . More difficult was teaching her American football . She eventually came to understand it enough to discuss a little of the games the Monday after they were played . We taught her western music from Sinatra to the Beatles . She was given recordings of different kinds of music and she decided she really liked the Beatles . She had never heard the Beatles before . She had never seen a baseball or football game before . But there was much more she was not aware of . One day , as the launch of the first Space Shuttle was coming upon us , we mentioned the moon walks to her . She laughed at us when we told her we had been to the moon . She thought we were joking around , pulling her leg . She had never heard of such a thing . We tried to talk to her about it , telling her when we had done it , told her that Shepard had played golf on the moon and that we had actually put a car on the moon and driven around , among other things and she just laughed . No one had been to the moon . There was no way in which we could convince her that the United States had sent several men to the moon . We were stunned when it dawned on us that she was really serious . She had no idea of any moon landings . The Russian Government had apparently hidden the fact very well from their people , especially those in the engineering field . She would not believe anything we said about the moon landings . I went home one night and I dug out from my history box everything I had on the moon landings . It is important to remember that even though the internet was being developed , it was not accessible to the average person so we could not just get on a computer and look it up and show her . I brought in newspapers and records and pictures of the moon walk and showed them to Larissa . At first , she thought the papers were just lies . Maybe it was because she was use to that being the case coming from the Soviet Union . We spent a lot of time with her going over the newspapers with her . Slowly she began to think that maybe it was true . She kept the papers for a few weeks and you could find her reading every word of the whole NASA program from the Mercury program , through the Gemini and Apollo missions . One day she came in to work and told us that she and her husband had gone to the public library and had done research there just to confirm what we had been telling her . She told us that they had come to the conclusion that perhaps it was possible that the United States had indeed been to the moon . She never came out and said that she actually believed it , but admitted that it could be possible . That was good enough for us . Larissa and her husband did become citizens of the United States while she was still working at Dit - MCO . We all went up to the courthouse and witnessed her becoming a citizen of this great country . We had taught her a lot while she was preparing to take that oath . It wasn 't the kind of stuff and facts that the Immigration Service taught her in preparing for citizenship , but I think what we taught her as far as the culture of western societies was just as important to go along with the required history taught her by the immigration service . We all were very proud of Larissa when she took that oath . We also thought that we had helped her understand her new country much better and so we gave ourselves a little pat on the back s well . She soon quit working at Dit - MCO and moved to Florida . Those times of teaching her about her new country was a very proud moment for us though . We had taught her things she never would have known and gave her the Beatles as well . What brought this memory to my mind to write about is hearing that Neil Armstrong had died . Neil Armstrong was an American hero that we had introduced to Larissa . So I guess this post is dedicated to the memory of Neil Armstrong and what he accomplished for this country . Posted by I started my career because I wanted to be an artist but had no talent at all . The only way I could draw was to go into drafting , which I did at the age of seventeen . It was great for many years . I was drawing with ink and pencil and had triangles and straight edges to make nice clean lines while at the same time making a drawing that was producing metal parts that would go into products . I was able to see my art come to life in a way as my dad took my drawings and made physical parts that you could hold in your hand . My " art " was being created in three dimensions parts that I could hold in my hands . It seemed like the ultimate art project and it was fun . Time went by however and technology began to speed up . Before I knew it , they were replacing my drafting board , triangles and pencils , with some of the first personal computers . I had to relearn how to draw using a computer . Soon I was using the computer eight hours a day , if not more and found myself with a personal computer at the house . It was while the internet was slowly coming out and so I began using a computer almost all my waking hours . The idea of using computers in the early days did not raise a red flag about it actually causing harm to the person over using the computer . It wasn 't too many years before an injury began showing up from using a computer keyboard too often . After many years of working with the computer that I began to show symptoms of the new syndrome . The first symptom is pain in the wrists . When I was younger I could hit a baseball pretty solid with a good grip that didn 't shake my wrists and arms every time I made contact . When I first noticed the pain in my wrists I was playing golf about two or three times a week . I still had a good grip on the club but every time I hit a golf ball the wrists would sting a little . I started noticing numbness in my fingers , very light at first but steadily getting worse . I didn 't think much about it until one summer Saturday morning . We were painting the house , something that had become a father and son project over the years . Brett was beginning to get older and was doing a better job , but still not big enough to get on the ladder . The ladder was my perch while Brett stood below me doing a fine job . As I continued to move the brush back and forth my wrists began to hurt . not unusual for this kind of activity and so I continued to paint . Then it happened . The brush fell out of my hand and nearly fell on Brett 's head just missing turning his blond hair barn red . It was a strange feeling . I tried to grab the ladder rung to start climbing down and found I had no grip at all . I leaned forward on the ladder and slowly made my way down . It took about three hours before I could grip anything . It was serious now . The carpel tunnel was restricting my ability to do things with my hands . I decided to see if the condition could be filed under workman 's compensation since I was on the computer for over eight hours everyday and computer use had been recently linked to carpel tunnel . I ended up going to a clinic for workman 's compensation claims to determine if it would qualify or not . After waiting several hours I finally saw a doctor who ran me through some test on my hands , including electric stimulus in my hands to see if the nerves were reacting properly . They weren 't and so I was approved for being injured on the job . I went to see a surgeon who specialized in hand surgery and he ran the same test over again . He took an instrument that looked like a boot spur and ran it down my fingers . I could feel the pressure but no pain . More electricity was run from my fingers to my elbows . Even though the test came back as positive for nerve damage , it still is not a fun test too go through . It re - enforced my dislike of electricity on the human body if anything . Finally the surgery would be set up . I would have both of my wrists operated on at separate times . The first surgery went okay . While I was waiting to be wheeled into the operating room , an old man was brought back to prepare for his own surgery . The nurse gave him a gown , told him to take his clothes off and put the gown on . When he came out of the room he had indeed taken his clothes off and put on his gown . However apparently he did not consider his long thermal underwear as part of his clothes as he was still sporting them under his gown . It took the nurse a while to explain that he was to have nothing on under his gown . Unfortunately I was wheeled off to the operating room before seeing the result of the nurses lecture to the old man . Six weeks later I went in for my second surgery . This one did not go as smooth . While they were applying the block to my left arm , they were removing the stitches from my right wrist . So far so good . Then they began the surgery on my left wrist . The block was not working as well and it hurt . It hurt very bad . I was screaming while they continued to fix my left wrist . Soon it was over and I went home to wallow in self pity and pain . When I went back to the surgeon for follow up he ran tests on the strength of my hands . They were a lot stronger then before the surgery . He then took that spur thing out and ran it down my finger and it was a totally different feeling then before the surgery . It hurt like crazy . He then pronounced the surgery successful and I was sent on my way . I then went to the negotiator who would determine how much loss in my hands I had suffered because of my job . We agreed on a certain percentage that was worth so much money because I had loss partial use of my hands . I was satisfied and things began to go back to normal . I could hit a baseball and a golfball again with out pain . I could feel what I was touching and holding . I felt like it was worth going through the surgery to regain my hands once again . Since that time my carpel tunnel has returned . It is worse than it was before . Carpel tunnel has been taken off the list as being workman 's comp eligible and so I am stuck with my hands the way they are or are getting . My wrists are effected by vibration meaning I have a rough time cutting the yard , trimming bushes and holding onto to anything for very long . My fingers are numb again . Golf and baseball are gone from my life . After a hard days work on the computer my hands are tired and they ache . It 's as though I never had the surgery to begin with . Now a days , the surgery isn 't as invasive . They don 't slice open your wrists to get to the tunnels . It doesn 't take six weeks to recover but just a few days . My wrists and my hands are weak and they hurt . They will for the rest of my life . I am good with that . I have grown use to it and it has all become a part of me . I don 't think I will get them fixed again . I am of the age where I probably won 't be around long enough for it to be worth it . I can 't remember who the comedian was , but he had a bit about a football game being played . The scene takes place in the winner 's locker room where a player is thanking God for the win , the key play being a fumble by the opposing team on the last play of the game . The player kept thanking God for leading their team to victory . Then the comic shifts the scene to the losing team 's locker room and an interview with a player on that team . When asked what happened , the player responded with " Jesus made me fumble that ball at the end of the game . " A question was brought up on facebook the other day asking " What do you think of athletes praising God ? " When I read that question my mind went immediately to the aforementioned comic bit . The point that the comic was trying to make was that if God is for one team , then he must be against the other team for some reason . It should be a two way street if God is in the business of deciding who wins the Super Bowl or the World Series or a collegiate National Championship . The losing team never blames a higher power for their loss , and it seems to be rather presumptuous to assume that God prefers who wins as opposed to who loses . In some sports , such as the more physical and dangerous sports like football and auto racing or soccer , might thank God that no one was injured or at least seriously injured . There are cases however when people do get hurt or even killed during an event . Dale Earnhardt died on the last lap of the Daytona 500 one year . Joe Theisman 's career as an NFL quarterback ended on a Monday night nationally televised football game when his leg was severely broken . Necks have been broken in sporting events leaving the competitor paralyzed from the neck down . I have witnessed all of these while watching events . Both Earnhardt and Theisman were good Christians that never hid the fact that they were . I had heard Earnhardt on several occasions thank God that no one was hurt during a car race , yet he himself died on the track . Did God forget to look out for Earnhardt on that fateful Sunday afternoon ? Now , I don 't claim to know answers as to why Dale Earnhardt died that day or why Theisman broke his leg in so many places he wasn 't able to run again or any of the other terrible injuries that have occurred over the years in all different kinds of sports . I imagine that a lot of those injuries and deaths happened to athletes who were Christians . Did God have a hand in these terrible accidents ? I believe , to an extent , the yes God does have a reason for these things to happen , but it is awful hard to give God the glory for taking Dale Earnhardt 's life . Then again , I do believe that God has a plan for all of our lives and if his plan for Earnhardt to leave this world at that time in his life , then so be it . However , I do find it difficult to believe that God has a vested interest in who wins a ballgame . In 1986 in the World Series , Bill Buckner was playing first base for the Boston Red Sox . The Sox were playing game six against the Mets in New York and were poised to win the Series when a ground ball rolled through Buckner 's legs costing the Sox not only the game , but eventually the Championship . Buckner received multiple death threats and eventually moved his family out of the Boston area . To some , it would appear that for close to a century , God had something against the Red Sox keeping them from winning a world Championship until recently when apparently the Red Sox worked their way into God 's good graces . The same cannot be said of the Chicago Cubs who have gone over a century without winning a World Series . Is God more of a Cardinal fan than a Cubs fan ? I really don 't think so . I believe that God gives these athletes the ability and the talent to participate on the highest levels of their particular sport . What the athletes do with these God given talents determines how successful they may or may not be . It is no different than God giving each of us a talent and ability that we should use to glorify God . He gives some the ability to play music or to sing . Gives others of us the ability to see things and to help fix things . Some of us have the God given ability to be able to talk to people and to help them in difficult situations . Roger Staubach , a former quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys , after many victories as well as tough losses , always thanked God for giving him the talent to be out on that field , win or lose . That is how athletes should thank God . Thank Him for giving an individual talent and providing them a way to use that talent in order to be a witness for their beliefs . If an athlete loses a big game and still comes out and thanks God for looking over him and thanking God for the ability he has been given , it goes a lot further as a witness for his beliefs than thank God for letting them win a game . The question should be expanded though . What do you think of an athlete if he thanks Allah for victory or talent ? What if they thank Buddha or a VooDoo god for their good fortune ? There are plenty of god 's that are worshiped around the world that athletes could give credit for victory . My big question is how should Christians react to these athletes that thank a god other than the Christian God ? The reaction of Christians to those athletes that thank , what Christians deem as false gods , can be as much of a witness for God as their own thanking of God for the abilities they have been given . I don 't have any answers to any of these questions . I am not a religious scholar , not even close . The answer is out there though , and I think God will lead us to respond appropriately . Posted by This house , for example - - I was thinking of it as we walked down this hall , and I was comparing it to some of the great houses of the world that I have been in . This isn 't the biggest house . Many , and most , in even smaller countries , are much bigger . This isn 't the finest house . Many in Europe , particularly , and in China , Asia , have paintings of great , great value , things that we just don 't have here and , probably , will never have until we are 1 , 000 years old or older . This house has a great heart , and that heart comes from those who serve . I was rather sorry they didn 't come down , We said goodbye to them upstairs . But they are really great . And I recall after so many times I have made speeches , and some of them pretty tough , yet , I always come back , or after a hard day - - and my days usually have run rather long - - I would always get a lift from them , because I might be a little down but they always smiled . And so it is with you . I look around here , and I see so many on this staff that , you know , I should have been by your offices and shaken hands , and I would love to have talked to you and found out how to run the world - - everybody wants to tell the President what to do , and boy , he needs to be told many times - - but I just haven 't had the time . But I want you to know that each and every one of you , I know , is indispensable to this Government . I am proud of this Cabinet . I am proud of all the members who have served in our Cabinet . I am proud of our sub - Cabinet . I am proud of our White House Staff . As I pointed out last night , sure , we have done some things wrong in this Administration , and the top man always takes the responsibility , and I have never ducked it . But I want to say one thing : We can be proud of it - - 5 1 / 2 years . No man or no woman came into this Administration and left it with more of this world 's goods than when he came in . No man or no woman ever profited at the public expense or the public till . That tells something about you . Mistakes , yes . But for personal gain , never . You did what you believed in . Sometimes right , sometimes wrong . And I only wish that I were a wealthy man - - at the present time , I have got to find a way to pay my taxes - - and if I were , I would like to recompense you for the sacrifices that all of you have made to serve in government . But you are getting something in government - - and I want you to tell this to your children , and I hope the Nation 's children will hear it , too - - something in government service that is far more important than money . It is a cause bigger than yourself . It is the cause of making this the greatest nation in the world , the leader of the world , because without our leadership , the world will know nothing but war , possibly starvation or worse , in the years ahead . With our leadership it will know peace , it will know plenty . There is something else I would like for you to tell your young people . You know , people often come in and say , " What will I tell my kids ? " They look at government and say , sort of a rugged life , and they see the mistakes that are made . They get the impression that everybody is here for the purpose of feathering his nest . That is why I made this earlier point - - not in this Administration , not one single man or woman . I remember my old man . I think that they would have called him sort of a little man , common man . He didn 't consider himself that way . You know what he was ? He was a streetcar motorman first , and then he was a farmer , and then he had a lemon ranch . It was the poorest lemon ranch in California , I can assure you . He sold it before they found oil on it . [ Laughter ] And then he was a grocer . But he was a great man , because he did his job , and every job counts up to the hilt , regardless of what happens . Nobody will ever write a book , probably , about my mother . Well , I guess all of you would say this about your mother - - my mother was a saint . And I think of her , two boys dying of tuberculosis , nursing four others in order that she could take care of my older brother for 3 years in Arizona , and seeing each of them die , and when they died , it was like one of her own . Now , however , we look to the future . I had a little quote in the speech last night from T . R . As you know , I kind of like to read books . I am not educated , but I do read books - - and the T . R . quote was a pretty good one . Here is another one I found as I was reading , my last night in the White House , and this quote is about a young man . He was a young lawyer in New York . He had married a beautiful girl , and they had a lovely daughter , and then suddenly she died , and this is what he wrote . This was in his diary . He said , " She was beautiful in face and form and lovelier still in spirit . As a flower she grew and as a fair young flower she died . Her life had been always in the sunshine . There had never come to her a single great sorrow . None ever knew her who did not love and revere her for her bright and sunny temper and her saintly unselfishness . Fair , pure and joyous as a maiden , loving , tender and happy as a young wife . When she had just become a mother , when her life seemed to be just begun and when the years seemed so bright before her , then by a strange and terrible fate death came to her . And when my heart 's dearest died , the light went from my life forever . " That was T . R . in his twenties . He thought the light had gone from his life forever - - but he went on . And he not only became President but , as an ex - President , he served his country , always in the arena , tempestuous , strong , sometimes wrong , sometimes right , but he was a man . And as I leave , let me say , that is an example I think all of us should remember . We think sometimes when things happen that don 't go the right way ; we think that when you don 't pass the bar exam the first time - - I happened to , but I was just lucky ; I mean , my writing was so poor the bar examiner said , " We have just got to let the guy through . " We think that when someone dear to us dies , we think that when we lose an election , we think that when we suffer a defeat that all is ended . We think , as T . R . said , that the light had left his life forever . Not true . It is only a beginning , always . The young must know it ; the old must know it . It must always sustain us , because the greatness comes not when things go always good for you , but the greatness comes and you are really tested , when you take some knocks , some disappointments , when sadness comes , because only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain . We want you to be proud of what you have done . We want you to continue to serve in government , if that is your wish . Always give your best , never get discouraged , never be petty ; always remember , others may hate you , but those who hate you don 't win unless you hate them , and then you destroy yourself . I have never been a quitter . To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body . But as President , I must put the interest of America first . America needs a full - time President and a full - time Congress , particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad . To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the President and the Congress in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of peace abroad and prosperity without inflation at home . Therefore , I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow . Vice President Ford will be sworn in as President at that hour in this office . I shall leave this office with regret at not completing my term , but with gratitude for the privilege of serving as your President for the past 51 / 2 years . These years have been a momentous time in the history of our Nation and the world . They have been a time of achievement in which we can all be proud , achievements that represent the shared efforts of the Administration , the Congress , and the people . For more than a quarter of a century in public life I have shared in the turbulent history of this era . I have fought for what I believed in . I have tried to the best of my ability to discharge those duties and meet those responsibilities that were entrusted to me . This , more than anything , is what I hoped to achieve when I sought the Presidency . This , more than anything , is what I hope will be my legacy to you , to our country , as I leave the Presidency . To have served in this office is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every American . In leaving it , I do so with this prayer : May God 's grace be with you in all the days ahead . He was a handsome man and while he was growing up , he was one of my dad 's best friends . He grew up a boxer and a violin player . Quite a mix there , but it shows how versatile and intelligent he was . He was the oldest of my grandparent 's kids and so he had an effect on the lives of all of his siblings . Of his history , I have only stories as opposed to first hand knowledge . He married young and went to Seminary to become a Southern Baptist preacher . By the time I got around to knowing him , he and my Aunt Eva had eight children . Pete , Ellen , Jean , Judy , Jim , John , Jerry and Drew . He raised this large family on a very slight income for the first several years . I knew his sons better than I knew my uncle but by the impact he had on their lives , I have a little window as to how my Uncle was . He was a good man . He was a disciplinarian . He didn 't hold his discipline to his own kids either . If you were under his roof , you played by his rules . My sister found that out one day when we were visiting Melvin and his family one time . We actually use to visit quite a bit thinking back on it . Anyway , The girls , including my sister Elaine , were jumping up and down on the beds or something that kept knocking the slats out from under the mattresses in the girls bedroom . Melvin warned them twice that if they didn 't stop , he was going to do some spanking . Elaine , always one to smart off when she was little , proclaimed to my uncle that he wouldn 't be spanking her , because he wasn 't her daddy . Uncle Melvin walked right up to Elaine , put her over his knee and gave her a couple of swats . I think there were a lot of lessons learned that day . What I mostly remember about my uncle Melvin are a few things that I think can describe the man from my perspective . The first thing I remember was that he was a very good preacher . He had a soft and tender voice when he preached . He was able to get his point across by , well , not talking down to his congregation , but talking on their level of understanding . As a young child I even understood his teachings as well as I did when I was an adult . There wasn 't a lot of walking around , finger pointing , or anything like that . Rather he stood still in the pulpit and would move his head side to side taking in the whole of the congregation with pauses in just the right places to let something sink in that he had said . He was and still is the best preacher I ever heard preach . Uncle Melvin had a sense of humor . For a man that was rather quiet of voice , he could find humor in almost anything . The best times that his sense of humor would come out was during the holiday season . During this time he , along with his brothers and my grandpa , would gather together and talk after the meal in the dining room . Melvin had a habit of continuing to eat by picking pieces of turkey while he was talking . He would also have some pie but mainly he stuck to picking off the turkey . They would talk politics , which never made sense to me since they all pretty much agreed on the subject , but then they would slowly get into telling stories about things that had been happening in their lives as of late . Melvin loved his brothers and loved talking to them and his dad . I loved listening to them . More than once you could find me sitting on the window seat not too far away from them listening intently to what they were talking about . They would all laugh at the stories but it was when the stories turned to jokes that Melvin really began to let loose . If he was listening to a joke , and it was good enough which most of them were , he would laugh so hard his face would turn red and he would not be able to talk . He always seemed to be the last one who got themselves under control after a good joke . When Melvin would tell a joke , he would hardly be able to get it out . He would start laughing the closer he got to the punch line and by the time he finished the joke , you would be laughing more at him then the joke . He loved laughter and humor . He loved the laughter and humor that his siblings shared with him as well as his children . My Uncle Melvin was a very sincere and caring man . He took care of the people in his congregation and they loved him for it . How do I know ? I was lucky enough to have been a member of his church for awhile before he retired from the pulpit to become head of the missions program for our group of area churches . He knew I had concerns about joining his church , you know , having your uncle as the preacher , but he came over to our house one night and talked to us about it . He left me assured that he could be my pastor as well as my uncle and do a good job of both . We joined his church and enjoyed every minute of it . He was aware of when people were hurting . He was aware when things were going good for people . He was able to equally address these things no matter what the situation was and he did it with all of the sincerity he could muster . Barb went to work for him when he moved to the missions staff and she observed the same caring and sincerity there that he had shown as a pastor . It was a good job for Barb , one that she liked , until my uncle became sick and had to resign . My uncle did get sick . He developed colon cancer so advanced that there was really nothing they could do except make him as comfortable as possible during his last days . Our family had seemed immune to death hitting us . The the closest person to me that had died in the family during my lifetime , as far as I can remember , was my great - grandma Hill . Now , I heard that I was losing an Uncle . An uncle that I treasured just as much as I did his brothers . Everyone of my uncles were important to me and effected my life in one way or another and now I was losing one of them . It didn 't seem right . I was in the habit of visiting my grandparents about twice a week since they lived so close to my office . I would either drop by during lunch or after work . I got out of that habit when Melvin was in the hospital . Most times I would arrive to an empty house . I wasn 't given too many updates on how my uncle was doing . I knew that he was gravely ill and where he was but that was about it . I didn 't know whether to go visit him or not . The room surely would be crowded and the mood would be somber . I knew that my cousins and my aunt needed to spend as much time with him as they could . I did not want to interfere with their time as precious as it was . Still deep inside I had a deep desire to see my uncle for one last time . He had been a lot of things to me . He had been the source of humor , the source of philosophy ( I still give him credit to this day for igniting my own love of philosophy ) , he was my pastor , and like all of my uncles , he was my friend . One day at work , I took a deep breath and decided to go visit him after work that day . I wasn 't sure what kind of reception I would get that day . I was fully prepared for the fact that he may be asleep and I would only visit with my cousins and my aunt . That would be good enough for me . I just had the need to let that family know that I cared , and that I did love my Uncle . When I arrived , my cousin Jerry met me as I walked in the room . He shook my hand and patted my shoulder . I told him I was so sorry for the way things were going . He then walked me over to the door , behind which his father was laying down . I asked him if he was sure and he said yes , go see dad . I walked into the room and saw my uncle lying there . He smiled as I walked in and told me hi and said it was good to see me . I walked over to his bed and asked him how he was feeling to which he answered that he had felt better , but was doing ok considering . He took my hand and we just looked at each other . He still had that sparkle in his eye . After a bit , what seemed like an hour , I gulped and told him I was going to miss him . He said he was going to miss me as well . I leaned over the bed and hugged him very lightly and he patted me on the back . The last words he told me were " It 's going to be okay , Bill . It 'll be okay . " and I walked out of the room . I had only been in there for a few minutes but it was a few minutes I am so glad I had . I came out of the room and gave a few of the cousins a hug and gave my aunt Eva a big hug . I didn 't say much , just turned and walked out the door . In my car on the drive home , I realized I would never see my uncle again and I began to choke up . Then I thought of Grandma and grandpa . I went over to their house and they were home . I told them I had just talked to Melvin . The pain that I saw in those two special peoples eyes hurt me to the core . Grandma , as always , offered to fix me a sandwich and I did a very rare thing by declining . I wanted to get home . I had felt and seen enough pain for one day . About a week later at the office my phone rang . It was my mother telling me that Mel had died . I told her thanks and hung up the phone . There was absolutely nothing I could do now . I won 't spend a lot of time on the funeral . It was big , it was painful . I don 't remember much of what was said about my Uncle . The people doing the talking probably didn 't know him as well as me and all my cousins did . It hurt to see my Aunt Eva hurting . It hurt to see Melvin 's kids hurting . But it hurt most of all to see my grandparents and the pain they were in . I had never seen them like that and I had been missing my visits with them . After the funeral , we all gathered at the church and had food . Grandma and grandpa were both in wheel chairs , not having the strength to move about I guess . I sat next to my grandfather and visited with him . I could tell he was hurting bad but the old man was trying to be strong and to at least keep himself together . He was the first of my Uncles to pass away and although I didn 't know him as well as I did a couple of his brothers , he had effected my life so very much . I don 't think my Aunt Eva realized that fact . I don 't think my cousins who had just lost their father realized that fact . But I can look back at all the times I watched Mel , and listened to Mel talk and preach . I watched Mel take care of people , some family , some not . I saw in Mel a natural love and caring for people . Today is his birthday . That is why I decided to write this memory , this good memory . Like all my uncles , I have nothing but good memories of him . Watching Melvin live his life , taught me a lot about how to live a life . I have often said that I am SO very lucky to have had the uncles and Aunts that I have had . Melvin was a big one on that list . My dad had a lot of rules . He had rules for almost every situation . There were rules for how we talked to mom or to him , Rules for how to start the lawnmower , and rules for how to cut the grass . Rules were in place for doing what it took to not be late anywhere . There were the Saturday night rules in which shoes were polished and clothes laid out for church the next morning . Rules existed for who sat where in the car when we traveled . In short , dad seemed to have rules for almost every situation that existed , and breaking those rules always seemed to require a price to be paid . Depending on the mood dad might have been in determined the severity of the price that was to be paid . Some of dad 's most stringent rules involved what the procedures were when attending a baseball game . They were fairly simple rules but were followed to the letter when we went to a ballgame . The rules were as followed : 2 . One drink per ballgame . You were expected to make it last through the ballgame because there would not be another one . If you spilled your drink , too bad . 4 . Go to the restroom before the game started . There was no getting up from your seat once the game started and in the old Municipal Stadium the wooden seats would make your butt sore after three innings . 5 . Elaine always sits behind the pole . It was bad for Elaine in some ways , but on the other hand , she didn 't have to keep a scorecard because she couldn 't see the game . 6 . Never leave until the last out of the last inning . I have sat through sixteen to nineteen inning games waiting for that last out of the last inning . The price to be paid for most of these rules were pretty much out of dad 's hands . For one reason , the only rule that dad really could enforce was the one drink a game rule . We were kids so we couldn 't leave until he did . Those rules were set and were enforced . It became a habit to follow these rules , except for rule number 5 which became obsolete when they built Royals Stadium which had no poles for Elaine to sit behind . The habit of following these rules stayed with me even after I grew old enough to be going to games without dad . The rules followed me after I was married and I had to train Barb to follow the rules of attending a baseball game , which was not an easy thing to do . She had not been raised by baseball , at first she didn 't understand the game and the importance of the rules but she eventually came around to accepting and following the rules . Then came that fateful day at the ball park . I do not remember who the Royals were playing but I remember it to be a good game . It was back in the late seventies or early eighties when the Royals were a major force in baseball . It was their glory years and the stadium always held large crowds at rather inexpensive prices compared to the rest of baseball . It was on this day that I broke one of dad 's baseball rules for the first time I remember . Well , that isn 't exactly the truth . I did not show up for batting practice anymore and I occasionally had a second drink during the game , but not too often . On this day though , I broke one of dad 's major rules of baseball . ( almost wrote a " cardinal " rule that brings up images of St . Louis which I would rather not do . ) It was a long game with a lot of runs being piled up for both teams . Each team was in double digits scoring so the game had gone beyond it 's usual two and a half hour to three hour length and had been going on for well over three hours . Since the game was so long I probably broke one of dad 's rules by getting a second drink during the marathon . Actually I am pretty sure I did have a second coke that day . The price for breaking that rule was that my bladder filled up . I wasn 't expecting the game to continue showing runs crossing the plate every inning and so the bladder thing creeped up on me . About the top of the eighth inning I began to feel the pressure . I tried my best to keep the scorecard up to date to keep my mind off of the ever building pressure . By the top of the ninth inning I was squirming in my seat doing my best to stay until the last out of the last inning . Finally the Royals came to bat in the bottom of the ninth and they were behind by a few runs . The bottom of the batting order was due up so it looked like the game would be over fairly soon . The Royals , however , was a never say die team and they managed to get a couple of base runners on base while at the same time getting two outs . It looked like the end of the game was imminent . That is when I made the fateful decision to break another my dad 's baseball rules . Willie Wilson was coming to bat with two out , two on and two runs down . Wilson was the Royals leadoff hitter . He did not hit for power but depended on his speed to get himself around the bases . My thinking went something like this . Wilson would not bunt , not with two out . Chances were he would be hitting away and with his power the chance of him knocking one out of the park were lean . If he hit a ground ball there were two other bases where a force out would end the game negating Wilson 's speed to first base . If he managed to get a hit for a single it would score at most one run . In short , the odds were against the Royals pulling this one out of the hands of defeat and my bladder was about to burst . I made my decision . I told a VERY surprised Barb that we were going to leave . It would give me a chance not to have to wait in line in the restroom and get us to the car a little early . So for the first time in my life that I remember , I left the game before the last out of the last inning . We headed toward the corridor that would take us to the concourse and on to the restrooms . There were a lot of other fans leaving at the same time , so the corridor was pretty crowded with people . As soon as we cleared the corridor and stepped into the concourse , the crowd in the stadium roared louder than I can ever remember . It went on for a while and I found myself fighting with dozens of other fans to get back through the corridor to see what was causing the excitement . I started shouting " What 's happening ? ? " and I heard a reply . A reply that haunts me to this day . The voice said excitedly " Wilson hit an inside the park Homer ! ! " I was stunned . I forgot about my full bladder . I don 't mean to say I peed my pants , it just didn 't seem to have the pressure that it did before . An inside the park homerun . I had never seen one . To this day I have yet to see one . But I was there when one was hit . I had forgotten to take into account that Willie Wilson had more inside the park homers than anyone since the fifties . During his career he hit thirteen of them and I was at the stadium the day he hit one of them , but I had not seen it . The price to pay for my second infringement of dad 's rules of baseball was to miss a small part of history and a Royals victory . I walked slowly with the crowd and slipped into the restroom where I ended up waiting in line to relieve myself of the pressure that had been building for while . I was quiet as I exited the restroom , found Barb and started to the car to head home . Barb tried to soothe me as we drove home with me repeating to myself " An inside the park home run . I missed a Willie Wilson inside the park home run . " I think it was starting to get on her nerves by the time we got home . I was driving home from the office last night when I noticed a large tree along the way . It is a beautifully shaped tree and in the fall turns a brilliant orange . It is indeed one of my favorite trees in the neighborhood . As I neared it in my car it looked to me like the leaves were changing color which is improbably at this time of year . As I came upon the tree I could see that the leaves on the outermost ends of the limbs were changing color . The color wasn 't that bold orange of the fall , but rather a weak brown tinge . The tree was dying . The tree is dying I should say . This isn 't a small tree either , but a large proud tree and it is beginning to give way to the heat and drought of this summer . This drought actually started last year in the late summer and early fall . It wasn 't overly hot last year , but it was dry . Then again , August usually is dry in Missouri and I didn 't think of it as a drought back then . The winter of last year and early this year then came upon us . It was an extremely dry winter . I did not have to take my snow shovel out of the garage once last winter . The was not anything to shovel . We had a few very light snows here and there , but seldom over an inch at a time . It wasn 't that cold last winter either . The rivers and farms and the general area of Missouri depends on at least a couple of good heavy snowfalls each winter to keep things going . That didn 't happen last winter . It was nice driving all winter long not having to worry about driving in a snow storm or anything , but that lack of snow was setting us up for what we are now experiencing in Missouri . In the spring of this year we had a few showers in late April and early May . They were not the soaking kind of rains though . Thunderstorms were few and far between . and while it stayed wet enough to have to mow the yard , it was like mowing in June or July rather than April or May . The grass did not need a weekly mowing . You could easily go two weeks without mowing and the yard would still not be too high . That was the sign that things were not going well this summer . June was dry . I do not any facts or figures that I am going to throw at you , I am just going to give you how it felt from my perspective . June was a little warmer than normal and towards the end of June we started to hit temperatures in the triple digits once in awhile . As June drug on the over a hundred degree days came more often until by the time July came around , we were virtually in a non stop oven in Missouri . The whole month of July has been dry . Very dry . It has also been hot . Extremely hot . We spent what seemed like the majority of June over a hundred degrees every day . We have had some breaks in the high temperatures with the air cooling down to like ninety - seven or ninety - eight , but never much lower than that . The rains still have not come . It is now August first . The official beginning of the Dog Days of Summer in Missouri . August is supposed to be hot and dry . That is just what August is here in Missouri . Hot , dry and humid . Today , being the first day of the dog days , the temperature is forecast to be one hundred and three degrees , the same as it was yesterday . There is not much relief in sight as the forecast continues to show triple digits with a small chance of some very scattered rains around the state . The drought is not ending . While I usually walk out in my front yard barefoot most of the summer , this year has been different . The yard is yellow and lays flat . the usual soft blades of grass are like small sticks that crunch under your feet as you walk . The front yard looks like someone has spread hay all over it . The soil that usually hugs my sidewalk and my house is slowly pulling away from them . I need to start watering my house now to keep it from flooding when ever the rains do return , if they do . I went out and looked at the wooded area across the tracks from my office . I looked at them very closely . The leaves on the branches of those trees are turning into a pale green to light brown . Usually those trees stay a bright green until the middle of September . The days of this summer have been pushing towards records not seen in this state since the Dust Bowl years . It has been cooler in Arizona than in Missouri . The entire state , every square inch of Missouri has been declared a natural disaster area . We have been extremely lucky not to have any wild fires break out in the state . Then again , there haven 't been very many lightning strikes to trigger any fires in the state . When a news reporter goes out to a scene of an accident or another newsworthy event , you can see the corn fields in the background . They are not even close to green . Corn that usually stands between six and seven feet tall are at best five feet tall . For the Missouri farmer , the corn crop is finished and they are already starting to harvest the corn for feed for animals . Very little Missouri corn will make it to dinner tables this year and that means the price is going to go up . It isn 't only the corn crop that has suffered but all the crops are suffering . I am not sure about the cotton crop in southern Missouri and what it looks like but I am sure it is a smaller crop than usual . Missouri depends on the farms to help fill the State 's coffers . That is going to be tough to do this year . We have state elections this November and the politicians are trying to figure out a way to save the Missouri economy and the Missouri farmers from going under . Right now from where I stand , it is a losing battle that they are trying to win . August is just beginning . The " Dog Days " have arrived . July is behind us now and so we look towards the stifling heat , humidity and dryness that August always brings . It is hard to imagine that things are going to get any better any time soon . The best we can hope for right now is that the fall rains that usually start showing up in early October arrive as scheduled and we have a winter that returns snowfall to the region . The Missouri River is very low . Right now , an annual canoe / kayak race that runs from downtown Kansas City on the Missouri all the way to St Charles , a suburb of St . Louis , is being ran . The river is so low that the usually wide channel of the river has narrowed somewhat , making it difficult to ride the river without getting into some low areas . The state has been borrowing water from the northern Missouri River valley to try to help the farmers , but it appears to be to little too late . If the winter coming up is dry once again , and spring turns into a mini summer again , and next summer is similar to this one , another dust bowl is not out of the question . . The nature of the state of Missouri is dying . It is a slow gruesome death . The state needs relief . Sure they need relief from the governments that over see it all , but they need relief that governments or men can not control . Missouri needs relief from nature , or for nature . The state and the people that live here , particularly the farmers , need provisions from God if He so wills it . Never the less , whether relief is on it 's way or not , the state of Missouri will survive . It 's citizens will survive and we will find a way to help each other through this terrible drought that has hit us hard . We are tough here in Missouri . We have proven that time after time over our history . Still , we all would welcome a little help from God to help us get through this .

11 / 29 - Burglar is for sale on Amazon for 2 . 99 now . I 'm now editing Book 3 . Faith will edit starting on the 9th so I have to hurry . 11 / 23 / 12 - Burglar is back for the editor ( about a week now ) and I am doing my editing on her edits ( it 's a chore ) . I am through chapter 9 so far . I hoped to be done by Monday , but I am running a bit behind so that may not be doable . We shall see . Spending a lot of time on Twitter trying to get the word out . 11 / 1 / 2012 - Book 2 has been sent to Faith ( pprior to the storm ) . I should have it back in a week or two . I am getting buried in editing ( Book 2 soon , Book 3 on my own now , The Last Killer Standing waiting - Once I get it done it can go to Amazon . ) 10 / 14 / 12 - Thus far I have reedited chapters 1 - 4 and 1 / 2 of five . I have actually been spending a lot of time trying to line up reviewers for Book 1 . Thus far I have located about ten but some of them say they can 't ost to Amazon . I 'm still trying to figure out why . 10 / 12 / 12 - Just finished editing the last chapter of The Last Killer Standing ( http : / / tiny . cc / 5pvwlw / ) . I will set it aside for a few days and then do one more edit of the whole thing . In the meanwhile , I will reedit The Dog Who Ate The Burglar since after two editors comments , I have other things to look for . I have a tendency to make lists 9 / 24 / 12 - I 've now gotton through Chapter 29 . Only 3 more to go . I 'll definately be through today and the book will be ready for the professional editor . " None at all . It 's just something to say . " Adam leaned over giving her a deeply passionate and meaningful kiss . " Where are your bags ? " Adam had been in her house as far as the living room , but hadn 't been invited into the bedroom yet . He still held out hope that he would be and not just to get her bags . Just now , however , they were going to Maine to visit Adam 's sister , Sarah , and see her son in a play . Adam didn 't respond as they walked to the car . He opened the back of his minivan , put her bags next to his , closing the tailgate . " I 'm not surprised . According to Sarah , someone local wrote the play . It 's very loosely based on a true story about some pirate ships that used to frequent Blue Hill Bay in Maine . " He walked to the passenger side of the car , opened the door for her , then hurried to the other side letting himself in . " Apparently the guy took several years to write the play and compose the songs in it . " Adam pulled away from the curb . " How many songs are there ? " " Sarah wasn 't sure . She hasn 't seen the entire play yet , but she thinks there are five songs according to what Ryan has told her . " " Yes . He sings in the chorus on one of the songs then has a duet with a girl on another . He even has a bit of a solo in that one . " " Honestly , I don 't know . I heard him sing in a school pageant several years ago , but haven 't heard him sing since . Apparently , his choir teacher 's been giving him private lessons after school . Sarah says he 's good now , but I take anything she says about her kids with a grain of salt . I think she 's a bit partial . " Marti told Adam about the essays her student 's had written about their most memorable characters . She spent the rest of their short trip to the airport in Charleston regaling him with some of the better stories . He thought a couple of them were especially touching . Naturally , most of them were about their parents , but several were about a favorite aunt or simply a neighbor . Those were the ones he found the most interesting . " Maybe I could interview a couple of the kids and their parents for Ram 's Ramblings . " Adam hoed to continue to hide from his past life as a dual lottery winner and his notoriety as a finder , by writing for the Canary Corners Tweet , the local newspaper owned by his longtime friend Larry Archibald . Larry hired him to write a blog and column for the Tweet called Ram 's Ramblings . SinceLarry had always been a notorious skinflint , Adam s wrote for him without pay under the condition that Adam could write about anything that struck his fancy as long as Larry deemed the subject matter appropriate . Adam didn 't need to be paid anyway since he had become quite rich from his fifty million and eighty million dollar lottery wins . He continued hiding under the pseudonym of Robert Adam Madigan or Ram and had decided on the catchy title of his column and blog that Ram 's Ramblings . " I 'm sure the kids would be thrilled to be interviewed for the Tweet . I imagine the subject of the interview would be appropriately excited as well although some of them are not around anymore . Perhaps you could interview the ones that are though . I don 't think it 'd be wise to write Rambles based solely upon what my students have been told or perhaps witnessed . Their memories might not be very reliable . " " Agreed . I could start with the students , then interview the subjects of their papers if they 're still alive of course . You 're right , that I would need to check the facts , when possible , before publishing anything . Based on what you 've told me , I could possibly get more than one article out of some of them . " They reached the airport with no problem and Adam parked in the parking spaces set aside for those chartering planes . He got their bags out of the back of the car and they walked into the charter office pulling their wheeled bags . They checked in with the clerk at the counter and were quickly shown to the plane . Adam shook hands with the pilots then he and Marti settled into their seats for the hour long flight to Bangor , Maine . Adam felt that because there were no direct commercial flights from Charleston to Bangor , chartering a flight had to be the only way his short weekend visit could be consideret practical . They passed the time with small talk and an improvised game of Boggle which is a word game that Adam and Marti had been playing virtually every time they 'd been together . Adam had shaken the Boggle dice the night before and written down the matrix of letters . He had 16 such letter sets and they played 10 games before their plane landed . The normal time for a Boggle round is three minutes , but they played five - minute rounds to allow them to pass more time and they could find more words . One game didn 't last the full five minutes , however , because the letters were especially tough . After neither of them had come up any new words for a minute , they declared that the roundover . Being a reporter Adam considered himself good at word games , but since Marti taught high school English , she still had a slight advantage . She won six out of the 10 games they played . " Good memory . That 's what I told you . You no doubt did read a wider variety of books than I did , beginning , of course , with Shakespeare . " Adam had told her he didn 't like Shakespeare and had never read any while she taught Shakespear to her students . " Besides which , you 're smarter than I am anyway . " " There you go with the blarney again . " Marti always accused Adam of speaking blarney just about any time he said something nice to her or about her to someone else . It 's not as if she didn 't appreciate the compliments he gave her , because she did . She just felt that she had to respond to the compliments in some way . Her great - aunt Livinia , Adam 's neighbor in the Canary House apartments , had originally told her that Adam had to be full of blarney . The first time Marti and Adam met , she emulated her aunt by saying he spoke blarney and , since that time , she couldn 't seem to stop telling him that . " Thanks . But I really doubt it . I couldn 't be a crime reporter helping the police track down criminals like you seem to have a penchant for doing . I 'd never have been able to figure out who killed Dr . Harrison as you did . Especially since the police seemed to have no clue . " " That was really no big deal . I just had a few ideas , which led to clues , which ultimately led to Rodney Tabor , the killer . I only stumbled across him because I happened to get a flat tire and he just happened to work in the tire store where I went to get the tire fixed . " " No problem , I 'm sure . " He turned to look at her with a serious expression on his face . " Know this . I 'll always give you anything you desire as long as it 's within my means to do so and I 'd be hard - pressed to think of anything that would be outside my means . " " You bragging about your riches again ? " " Absolutely not . As I told you before , I 'm not proud of my wealth since I came by my fortune by simply getting lucky with purchases and sales during the dot com boom . " He used this story which he 'd told the people in Canary Corners to explain his wealth , while he hide from being a finder and the notoriety that came when he won the lotteries . If they knew where his money came from , it wouldn 't be hard for them to figure out he the truth about his being the finder that had been written up many times by the Chicago newspapers . But , if they thought his money came from the stock market , there 'd be no reason for them to pair him with the stories of the finder . " I only meant that I 'd be more than happy to purchase anything your heart desires . " He leaned over giving her a brief kiss . " I can 't begin to tell you how happy I am that you consented to come with me on this trip . " She squeezed his hand a bit as they walked up to the rental car counter . " I 'm looking forward to it as well . " Adam turned his attention to the clerk . In short order , Adam had filled out the papers and got the keys from the clerk . As they walked out of the terminal to where the car waited , he said , " I don 't think I 've told you , but I once thought that I might like to study acting in college . I was in a couple of plays in high school and naturally , I thought I was pretty good . A nice write up or two in the school paper and I could scarcely get my head through the doorways into the classrooms . " " I was in a couple of one act plays when I was a freshman and , honestly , I don 't remember what the names of the plays were . I really only remember the one I was in when I was a senior . I was Mortimer in ' Arsenic and Old Lace . ' I presume you know what that is . " " I doubt that there 's an English teacher anywhere in America that doesn 't know the play ' Arsenic and Old Lace . ' You were Mortimer ? That 's a plum part . No wonder you toyed with studying acting . " " Yeah , but I was in a couple of one - act plays when I was a freshman in college taking all the ' Mickey Mouse ' courses that all freshmen have to take . Unfortunately , these one - act plays were comedies and I scarcely got a laugh . Because of that , I woke up to the harsh realization that I 'm definitely not a comedic actor and scarcely an actor at all . That 's when I decided that journalism was going to be my chosen profession . Of course , it didn 't hurt that Larry was my best friend and that 's what he was already majoring in . " " No . Being a reporter was all that ever interested Larry . Remember those nice reviews , I mentioned . " She nodded . " Larry wrote one of them . He was probably overly nice . " " Oh yeah ? You don 't know Larry , like I know Larry . He 's a skinflint 's skinflint ; a cheapskate 's cheapskate , a … " " I could tell you stories . But I won 't bore you with them . Let 's talk about something else that 's a little more pleasant . Tell me about more of the essays you received , " he said as he found the highway he needed and headed toward Sarah 's house about an hour away . " I will , but first I want to tell you something that you may not know . Just as you never told me you like to act , I never told you I like act . I belong to the Canary Corners community theater . " " That 's a great play . I must 've seen it ten times growing up , and , naturally , I 've seen the play on TV probably an equal number of times . You think there might possibly be a part in it for me ? I assume you 're going to be in the play . " " All right , let 's not start that again . Yes , to answer your question , I imagine there would be a part for you . I can 't picture you as Scrooge , however . You 're much too generous for that part . It would hardly be type - casting " She told him more of the ones she 'd found the most interesting . . He gave her all the attention he could spare while still keeping his attention on hiss driving . They talked about the essays for the entire hour it took to get to Sarah 's house . Chapter 2 " Yes it is . She and my mother bought the house before my mother passed away . My mother lived near here when she was growing up . Several of her friends from many years ago were at the funeral . The daughter of one of her friends took care of Ryan and Sheila while Sarah spent time with Mom at the hospital . " Ryan opened the door and came running out just as Adam walked around to the passenger side of the car , to help Marti out . " Uncle Adam . " Ryan said excitedly , giving his uncle a hug . Marti looked at Adam quizzically wondering why Ryan called him " Uncle Adam " . As far as she knew , his name was , Ram , which was short for Robert Adam Madigan . She wanted to ask him , but thought she 'd wait until they were alone . Marti reached out a hand and Sarah shook her hand warmly . " So pleased to meet you , Sarah . Ram has told me a little bit about you and how lovely you are , but it 's nice to finally meet you and learn that he 's been telling the absolute truth . Ram has a tendency towards blarney . " " Yes . Adam does have a tendency to exaggerate the truth . He didn 't exaggerate about you , however . You 're every bit as beautiful as he described . " " Seems so , " Adam looked at Sarah . " What 're you doing home ? I thought you told me you were the new night manager of the Far North Hotel ? " " I am . There wasn 't anything to keep me in Bangor , so when Sarah told me about her promotion , I was happy to come help . I was only renting so it was no problem to stay here . Actually , I appreciate the opportunity to be with the kids . I never seemed to be able to get here very often when Agnes was alive . " " No . But even if I had , rearranging my schedule would 've been worth it . Any friend of Adam 's will become a fast friend of mine . " " I hope that 's true . " Marti turned to Ryan . " I hear that you 're playing a major character in the play and you sing a couple of songs . " Adam looked at Sarah and she nodded . " But only one game . It 's kind of late and you have a big night tomorrow , " he said . " It is . My mother found it . We flew out here to look at the house , the yard , and surrounding area and decided to buy it . She lived near here when she was no older than Sheila . " " We did , " Mary said . " Our house wasn 't nearly as nice as this , however . It burned down about fifteen years ago . There was nothing left but ashes . " Sarah smiled . " I like it . There are more cupboards than I can fill . There 's also a mud room with more cupboards through here . " She led the way to the opposite end of the kitchen . The passageway to the back door housed a large area with cupboards above and below and a counter top on the right side . The left side had another sink built into its countertop . " It certainly does . The kitchen and this room are what sold Mom and me on this house . We looked at several others , but this was easily our favorite . We liked it even better than ones we looked at closer to the coast . " " I can see why , " Marti continued to follow Sarah into a long hallway that led from the kitchen to the bedrooms . " There are four bedrooms , " Sarah continued to act as tour guide . " This one is mine , " she indicated a bedroom with a lovely bedroom set with carvings on the drawer fronts . There was a dresser with an attached mirror and a five - drawer bureau . The bed cover and the curtains were off white covered with lavender roses . " Very pretty , " Marti said . " This was Mom 's bedroom . I liked everything so much that I haven 't changed a thing . I just moved my clothes out of the bedroom I was in right into here . It has its own bathroom . " Then she indicated a bedroom next to her own . " This is Sheila 's . " The room had been decorated with a little girl in mind . It contained a canopy bed , the pillow endof which had been flooded with stuffed animals . Beside that stood a mirrored desk . There were a couple of school books open on the desk . The dresser on the wall at the end of the bed stood at a little girls height . The drapes and coverlet on the bed were light blue and covered with ivy . The room had been thoroughly cleaned . " I 'm afraid the next room isn 't as clean . " Sarah walked across the hall and opened a door . She looked surprised . The bed had been made , the floor had been cleared of any toys or stray clothes , the closet had been closed , and the books were neatly arranged on the desk . " Ha ha , " Ryan said . " Got you Mom . " He 'd come up behind them without anyone noticing . " It 's not wrong , " Mary said . " Just unusual . I wish I could say the same for my room . " The last room before the end of the hall remained closed . Sarah didn 't open that door respecting Mary 's privacy since that the door opened into her room . The door at the end of the hall between Sheila 's and Mary 's bedrooms she did open just a little allowing her to look in before she opened the door wide so Marti could see . It consisted of a good amount of floor space with a shower in the bathtub The room had a double sink . With that Sarah turned around and led them all back to the kitchen where Ryan had six Yahtzee score sheets spread around the table . One of the five dice sat on all but one of the sheets . A pencil rested beside each score sheet . Sarah also threw a six while the others threw lower numbers . Mary passed her die to Sheila and she also threw a lower number . Sarah and Ryan threw again . This time Ryan threw a five but Sarah had only a two . " I 'm first , " Ryan said . After he 'd taken his turn he passed the dice to Marti sitting on his left . " Clockwise ? " Marti said . As Ryan and Sheila headed for the hallway , Sarah said , " No reading . I expect your lights to be out as soon as you get your teeth brushed . " " Yes , Mother , " Sheila said as she and Ryan continued down the hallway into the bathroom . " Yes . I made sure she taught me how to make the pie before she got sick again . It 's not as good as she made , but it 's okay . " " I 'm sure it 's good , " Adam looked at Marti . " How about you ? Mom made a mean coconut cherry pie . If Sarah 's is even close . . . " " I love being here with the kids . They 're really well behaved . Sarah did a wonderful job with them . Especially considering what happened to her husband . " Bob , Sarah 's husband had been killed in a drive - by shooting in Chicago . " You did and I do . I 'm writing for a small newspaper in a small town . It 's called Canary Corners and the paper is the Tweet . " " My editor and long - time friend Larry Archibald bought the paper about a year ago . It was already called the Tweet and had been for something like a hundred years . You can 't buck that kind of tradition , hence , Larry decided it wouldn 't be prudent to change the name . " " You know me . Just like Mom and Dad , I need to be free to come and go so I just rented an apartment . It 's a place called Canary House and my apartment neighbor is Marti 's Great Aunt Livinia . She introduced us . " " I don 't know that I 'm an expert , but I do know what I like . " He took a bite . " And this I like . I 'd have to have some of Mom 's pie to perform a taste test if I were to say this isn 't as good as she made , because this pie sure does taste like it . It 's excellent . " He took another bite . Marti took a bite of hers . " I wholeheartedly agree . You 'll have to give me the recipe . After all , " she said with a wink , " The fastest way to a man 's heart is through his stomach . " He put his hand over hers on the table squeezing . " I don 't think it 'll be too hard to catch . It 's not as if it 's running away from you . " They both nodded and Adam reached for the milk and handed it to Marti while he put sugar in his cup . She passed the milk back to him when she had finished then put two scoops of sugar in her tea . They stirred their tea then took a sip , almost in unison . " Yes , " Marti said , " Excellent tea . " They all settled down to drink their tea and eat their pie . After that Adam decided it that he and Marti should be heading to the hotel . As they started for the door , Marti snapped her fingers . " The pie recipe , if you don 't mind my having it . " " Why should I mind , " Sarah said . " After all , it 's not my recipe anyway . Come back to the kitchen and I 'll write the recipe down for you . " " Snow me . That 's a nice turn of phrase considering where we are . It won 't be long until Mother Nature is snowing all of us . " " He really is excited . Kind of like his uncle was when he was in plays in junior high and high school . I presume he 's told you about that . " He 'd prepared himself for this before the trip . He knew the kids would call him Uncle Adam . " It is . It 's Robert Adam Madigan . The answer to your question is easy . When I was growing up I ran with a bunch of boys and there were several of them named Robert and a couple who went by Bob or Bobby . That being the case , I had them call me by my middle name , Adam . From then on it sort of stuck . " " That came a bit later and my sister already had the habit of calling me Adam then she continued to do so . Naturally , her kids picked up the name from her . Even my Mom had the habit of calling me Adam . " " Well , no offense , but I 've never liked the name Ram . It seems a bit harsh , or something , for a man of your sensibilities . If you don 't mind , I 'd like to call you Adam as well unless you would rather I call you Bobby . " " Please , not Bobby . That was the name of one of my good friends in college who died a horrible death . You 're welcome to call me Adam . " He reached over and squeezed her shoulder . " You weren 't being nosey . I 'm sure the name change was a bit confusing . I should have told you before and then you wouldn 't have been surprised . I meant to , but I simply forgot . Can you forgive me ? " In another few minutes the hotel came into view . Adam helped Marti with her door then extracted the luggage from the back . They checked in and the clerk handed them two key cards . He walked over to her and took her in his arms . Together they slid into her room and closed the door . He was whistling softly when he left her room a few minutes later . Adam smiled . She had yet to use a term of endearment . He hadn 't used one either . He didn 't want to make her think he assumed anything . " How about a drive in the country ? Or we can go to the seashore if you 'd rather . It 's only about an hour away . " " I like it that way too , " the waiter said . " I 'll have the tea right out . I 'll take your orders then , if that 's all right . " When the waiter came back , Adam ordered a ham and cheese omelet and Marti said that it sounded good , consequentlyshe ordered one as well . Adam also ordered a glass of orange juice for each of them . " That was all right wasn 't it , my lady ? " After they 'd freshened up they went back downstairs . Adam picked up the sandwiches and chips and got a couple cans of soda out of a machine near the restaurant . They left their bags in their rooms because Sarah had reserved the rooms for two nights since their flight didn 't go backuntil Sunday . Adam drove them on a direct route to the beach that the clerk suggested because he said it had the nicest beach in the area . He 'd also draw their path on a map he 'd gotten from the front desk . They stayed at the beach for several hours and then Adam and took a circuitous route back to the hotel . They 'd been on the road from the beach for about an hour when Adam pulled off at a roadside picnic area . it had a small flower garden but , unfortunately , it had past its prime . He turned to Marti and said , " Is this okay ? " Adam got out and hurried around to Marti 's side of the car . He helped her out and she kissed him . " Thank you , " he said then opened the back door to retrieved the bag of sandwiches , the bag of chips , and the two cans of soda . He opened the bag of chips and offered her some . She unwrapped her sandwich then laid the wax paper out , in order to put some potato chips on the wax paper . He gave her a can of soda of the type he knew she likedbest . They settled down to eat and were through in about fifteen minutes . Adam policed the area making sure not to leave any trash behind . He shook his head at the trash that had been left by other people right next to the trashcan . He picked up a bit of the other trash , but he didn 't have time for much . Marti started to help , but he said , " We 'd better not spend any more time here . We 've still got a pretty good drive to get back . " " I know . I do too . That 's why I started picking up their trash . If we had more time , I wouldn 't mind cleaning up the entire area , but we don 't . Not , at least , if we want to see more of the country and still make it back in time for the play . " He walked over to her side of the car opening the door for her . Before she slid into her seat he grabbed her and held her tight . " I 'm extremely glad you came with me . " They still had some time , so he followed the map taking a meandering path back to the hotel . When they arrived they hurried up to their rooms and changed into the semi - formal clothes they 'd brought with them to wear to the play . Adam waited in the hall when Marti came out wearing a silver lamé gown . " My gosh , " Adam said , " You 're more beautiful every time I see you . " He wore a light orange shirt with a blue sport coat and gray slacks . " You ain 't bad yourself , " she put her hand in his . Together they walked to the elevator . Sarah took the lead since Adam didn 't know where to gowas . He followed closely , although he knew Sheila would be able to direct them if he somehow lost Sarah . They made it to the school without incident . Sarah and Ryan hurried into the school while the rest followed at a more leisurely pace . " Where do we go in ? " Adam asked Sheila . Adam paid the admission price of two dollars apiece for all four of them . Then , they went into the auditorium where they got as close to the front as they could . Mary slid into the seats first , then Sheila , then Adam followed by Marti whose hand Adam held again . Mary made sure there to leave one seat between her and Sheila leaving Sarah a seat when she finished backstage with Ryan . Adam got caught up with what had been happening in Sheila 's life while they were waiting . He also asked Mary a few questions . When the play started they all anxiously waited for Ryan to come on the stage . As is typical in a play done by junior high students , several of the kids forgot their lines , some stole other people 's lines , and several times they lost thier timing and stepped on one another 's lines . One of the boy 's voices broke on the song in which Ryan sang in the chorus . They were all very attentive when Ryan sang his duet and both Adam and Marti were impressed by Ryan 's solo . His voice had good pitch and tone and , contrary to the way a lot of kids his age sing , his voice held strong and clear . At intermission , between acts , the applause grew long and loud and at the end of the play , the applause carried on for several minutes . When the curtain final finally fell , Sarah stood and said she had to wait for Ryan backstage . When the two of them emerged into the auditorium , Mary hugged Ryan , Adam shook his hand , and even Sheila patted him on the back . They tried to complement him but thee auditorium had too much noise for that to happen without them shouting , thus they waited until they were outside . Sarah led the way to the cars and Sheila rode with Adam and Marti again . They had to wait a while before they could maneuver their way out of the parking lot , but the traffic lessened as soon as they got to the main street . There were a number of cars in the ice cream shop 's parking lot . " Looks like everyone had the same idea , " Marti said . Once inside the shop , they had to wait in line for several minutes to get their turn at the counter . Then once they 'd received their treat , no seats were available in the small shop . " Looks like we 're going to have to sit in our cars , " Adam said . " Guess so , " Sarah said . She looked at Sheila , " You be careful with yours . You don 't want to make a mess in Adam 's car . " " I don 't see why not , " Sarah said . " We 'll have to wait for the tea anyway . But only one game . Adam and Marti will need their sleep . They have to fly back tomorrow . " As Sarah filled the teakettle from the sink , Ryan went down the hallway to his room . " Not until four o ' clock , " Adam said . " I plan on coming here for a final visit tomorrow if that 's okay . How about if I take you all out for lunch ? " " Yes , " Sarah said . " We go to church . There 's a small non - denominational church not too far away . We go to Sunday school at nine and worship service is at ten . We 're usually back by about eleven - fifteen . " " Good , " Adam said as Ryan came back into the room then started laying out the score sheets and dice . " We 'll be here by about eleven - thirty . You can take a consensus as to where everyone will want to eat . Marti and I are flexible . " " Yes sir , " Adam said with a small salute . They all picked up their die then threw them except Mary who didn 't have one . Ryan started to hand her his die after he 'd thrown a three , but she declined . Sheila threw the only six whereupon she gathered the rest of the dice taking her turn . They 'd played two rounds when the teapot started to whistle . Sarah put the tea bags in the mugs then poured the water . " It 'll be just a minute for the tea to steep , " she went to the cupboard for plates for the pie . " I 'll be right there . " She left the plates on the counter , to take her turn . After she had finished she took the tea bags out of the mugs placing a mug in front of each of them . Then she placed the sugar bowl and a milk carton on the table . It didn 't take long until she placed a piece of pie in front of each of them along with a fork . " Okay , " she said . She took the dice and tossed a large straight . " Oh , good . I needed that . " She passed the dice to Mary and wrote down her score . They finished their pie and tea then went back to their game . When they were finished , Sarah had won , though the score had been close because no one had a Yahtzee . " We 'd better go now , " Adam turned to Marti . " I suppose we should , " she got to her feet turning to Sarah , " Thank you so much for the tea , pie and your hospitality . It has been a lot of fun . And you , young man , " she looked at Ryan , " Better keep up your acting . You have a real gift . " " She 's right , " Adam said . " I 'd better see you in the spring play . At least , I assume they 'll have a spring play . " He already waited in the hall when she came out of her room . He wrapped her in his arms and they kissed passionately before they separated . " Shall we ? " He said . " Let 's . " Once downstairs , they walked into the restaurant . The same waiter that they 'd had the day before came up to the table and asked for their orders . They gave him the same order of tea and ham and cheese omelets making sure to remind him about the milk for the tea . He remembered . Since the hotel had been built surrounded by a wooded area , they decided to take a walk to kill time . After a two - hour walk , they went back to Adam 's room and he pulled the Boggle shaker box out of his suitcase . " How about it ? " he said . He went over to the desk picking up the pen that the hotel left there for guests to write notes or postcards . " I 'll set the shaker box on the floor . That way we can both see it . I 'll time the games with the stopwatch on my watch . " " I thought we might . After all , we won 't run out of letter grids as we would have with the ones I wrote down . By the way , I wrote down ten more for our trip back to Charleston . " " Absolutely not . I don 't have a problem with how you got your money . Whether you see it that way or not , I think you earned the money . Someone had to come out of the dot com boom a winner . I 'm just glad it was you . At least you 're doing something useful with your money by starting the foundation . " Adam had created the Rambling Foundation to help needy people in Canary Corners and in the surrounding area . He 'd started by paying $ 50 , 000 to the local hospital for cancer surgery for a young girl . He 'd also given the parents , Monica and Charles Swathmore , $ 20 , 000 to help them out of their current financial crisis . He 'd paid for ads on the local TV and radio stations to let people know about the foundation and emphasize the people seeking assistance must go through the foundation 's business manager rather than contact him directly . He hired Debbie Harvard , the local bank president 's wife , as the foundation 's business manager to avoid dealing with the day - to - day duties of the foundation . Her duties included filtering the requests for aid so he didn 't get overwhelmed . He knew for certain there would be hundreds of requests in short order . " I just wanted to do something for the people of my new home town . " " That 's what I think is so wonderful . There aren 't too many people in this " What 's in it for me ? " country that would be anywhere near as generous without wanting as much publicity and back - patting as they could get . " " Now cut that out . You know your word 's good enough . Let 's play . " Adam shook the box until the dice had settled into the bottom and then started his stopwatch . This time he won . " I agree , " Adam said . " I trust we 're not going all the way to Harper 's pizza . I don 't think we should spend that much time driving . " They had traveled over an hour to Harper 's pizza when Adam had been there for his mother 's funeral . " Granted , " Sarah said . " I hadn 't planned to go there . There 's a pizza parlor much closer and they have pretty good pizza although Harper 's has the best . " Sarah nodded whereupon Adam led the way to the car and the three of them got in . Once again , Adam let Sarah take the lead . It didn 't take long to drive to the pizza parlor . They ordered three pizzas ; one cheese , one three meat , and one supreme . When they all had their fill , there were eleven pieces left . They got two boxes from the waiter , put the pizza in them , and got into the cars . Once inside the kitchen , Sarah served pie to all of them than sat down in front of a piece herself . They ate in relative silence . When they were finished , Adam looked at his watch and than at Ryan saying , " I think we have enough time for a quick game of Yahtzee before we have to leave . That is , if anybody 's interested . " Sheila won the throw and started the game . The dice passed around the table until everyone had finished . This time Marti won because she 'd thrown two Yahtzees . " As I said last night , " Marti looked at Ryan . " You 'd better try out for every play that comes along . You have a real talent for it , especially if they 're musicals . You have a great voice . " " And thank you , " Marti looked at Sarah stretching out her arms . Sarah obliged by giving her a hug . " I had such a wonderful time . I can 't tell you how glad I am Adam asked me to come . " " Okay , enough of the blarney as Marti would say . We 'd better get on the road . " Adam reached out with his free arm without taking his hand out of Marti 's to hug his sister . " Thanks for the pie , Sis . It was terrific . " He let Sarah go and hugged Martha . " It was wonderful seeing you again . As I said last night , it 's very nice of you to help Sarah out . " " The same goes for you , then . If you 're in a play , we 'll come back to see it . But for now , we 'd better go , " he turned and opened the screen door . Taking Marti 's hand again , they walked out to the car . " Got anything in mind for your next column ? After all it 's been two weeks since you 've turned in any copy , " Larry Archibald said when Adam walked into his office Monday morning . Larry owned the newspaper and acted as editor - in - chief He had been Adam 's friend since they went to grade school together in Chicago . " He 's an old time resident of Washington county . His father struck it rich with the Trimble gold mine in the late 1800 's . Mathew sold the gold mine about 50 years ago for 45 million but he still has a fortune in gold that he 's kept . He has nuggets as well as quite a few small sculptures made of gold . " You could , . but Trimble isn 't in the best of health and he might end up going to either the Coal Mine House or Sunset Village . " The Coal Mine House maintained a managed care facility while Sunset Village consisted of only a nursing home . " If either happens , you 'll probably have missed your chance to see , and , hopefully , photograph , the gold . " " All of the gold is . He 's like a lot of the old timers around here , he doesn 't trust banks . By the way , he lives in a mansion , not a house . " " Actually , I didn 't . If you hadn 't agreed to do it , I 'd have sent Brenda . " Brenda McClung wrote the local news for the Tweet and , like everybody else on the small newspaper , filled in where she the need presented itself . " I have . You could meet him here at about noon . I suggest you don 't come early and you should eat first . You don 't want to go to lunch with Ralph . He eats like you wouldn 't believe and expects you pick up the tab . Well , I 'll be . Look at who I 'm worried about having to pay for lunch . " Adam ignored Larry 's allusion to his money . " I 'll make sure I have lunch and I 'll show up right at noon . Now , if you don 't mind , I think I 'll go talk to my foundation manager . She already had several requests we needed to talk about and she received several more on Thursday and a couple on Friday , as I recall . " Go right ahead . I think we 're through here . " " I hear that he has a very strong security system therefore he 's not worried about the safety of his gold . Besides , when I talked to him , he 's the one who suggested we take pictures . It 'll make a much better article with pictures then without and he knows that . He also told me it 's no secret he has a lot of gold in his mansion . It 's apparently fairly common knowledge in the area . " " Yes , Sir . " Adam walked out driving directly to Brigman 's furniture store . His foundation had an office above the furniture store . He smiled as he looked at the image on the door to the office . A local computer artist , Petrik Stavros , had drawn the image for the Rambling Foundation and Adam thought he did a great job . Adam had come up with a few ideas , but Petrik had expanded upon them to create the finished product . Debbie Harvard , manager of the foundation and of his personal finances as well , sat at her desk pouring over some paperwork when he walked into her office . " Good morning Debbie . " " Good morning Ram . Did you have a good time at your nephews play ? " " I did indeed . I don 't remember if I told you , but it was a musical . Ryan sang one song in the choir and sang a duet with a cute little girl . He had a solo in that song . As it turns out , he has a good voice . " " Of course I would . But you can ask Marti if you don 't believe me . She was impressed with his voice too . " Marti and Debbie knew each other since they both belonged to the theater club . Since Debbie had lived in Canary corners most of her life , she knew most everybody in town and that 's one of the reasons Adam hired her as his foundation manager . It would be easier for her to decide which requests for money were legitimate and which ones weren 't . " We are now up to 30 requests . " She pulled a couple of pieces of paper off one of the piles on the corner of her desk . " These are the three I think are the most deserving for our second distribution . " She explained the requests then they talked about them for the next hour . When they were through , Adam had decided to fully fund two requests for help with hospital bills but give only half the money requested by Sunset Village to replace a number of wheelchairs past their prime . Adam looked at his watch . " I 'll be darned . It 's almost lunchtime . Would you let me treat you to lunch , Debbie ? " " That 's very generous . Let me call Paul to see if he 's interested . I 'll be absolutely flabbergasted if he 's not . I have never known my husband to turn down a free meal . " " I 'll wait in my office while you talk to him , " Adam left Debbie 's office to walk the few steps into his . He booted up his computer to check his e - mail . He 'd checked his email in the morning before he went to Larry 's office , and he didn 't have any new messages then or now . Instead , he found a news article to read online until Debbie walked in . " No surprises . He 'll be happy to join us as I knew he would . " Paul waited in front of the bank when Adam drove up . Then Debbie guided him to the restaurant . Daphne 's had been set up in a small building , but no one would be able to miss it , even though it had a very small sign , because of the bright pink paint job . Almost before the other girl walked away , another young girl arrived at their table and took their drink orders . Paul ordered soda , Debbie ordered coffee , while Adam had his traditional Sweetwater . Sweetwater came from a type of mineral water that over a century ago became famously sweet by someone inadvertently dropping two sugar beets in the extremely hot water . The water boiled the sugar out of the beets and , since then , two beets were added tod the water each month . Sweetwater had almost become a standard drink for the entire county in addition to a large part of the state . Their meals were brought quickly and they settled down to eat . When they were almost done Adam 's phone rang . " Hello , Sweetheart , " Adam said as soon as he noticed that the call came from Marti . " Let 's go into my office . " They walked to Paul 's office where he handed Adam a piece of paper and a pen . Adam pulled out a small notebook , flipped through a few pages , then wrote a number down on the paper , along with something else . " I gave you the account number , the name of the brokerage company , as well as the direct line to the account executive I 've been dealing with . Tell him to transfer the money from my money market fund . " " That should be sufficient , " Paul said . He grabbed a request for a wire transfer from the corner of his desk , filled the request out , then handed it to Adam for his signature . " Sign this then we should be good to go . " Adam signed . Paul picked up the phone , dialed the number Adam had given him , and spoke to the man who answered . " I need to fax this form to him . I 'll be back in just a few minutes . Oh wait , I never asked , but I presume you want this money transferred into the foundation 's account . " " Okay . I 'll be right back . " He left came back two 2 minutes later . He handed an acknowledgment receipt to Adam . " The money is in the foundations account . Anything else you need ? " " Sure , I 'd love to give you an interview . The more publicity , the better . We really want people to know that the foundation is here to help . " " That 's what I gathered from the news release I read a while back . I 've been wanting to interview you for a while , but other things kept coming up . Personally , I think it 's a great thing that you 're doing , and I 'd love to be part of getting the word out even more than your ads have done . " " I don 't think so . You said you read my news release . Wasn 't it clear about the fact I don 't want to be contacted about the foundation myself ? All inquiries are to go through Debbie Harvard my foundation manager . " " I understood that . I just thought , for the sake of the interview , you might want to make an exception . " Adam arrived at the VVST station about 10tenminutes until two . He introduced himself to the secretary at the front desk and she ushered him into the station manager 's office . A sign on his deskgave his name as Augie Personable . " Hello , " Augie stood and stretched out his hand , " You must be Ram . " " Well , we 'll see how this interview goes , and then I 'll talk it over with Jeremiah . He 's my best interviewer , and it 's his show . I give him basically carte blanche when it comes to the show . " Adam followed her down the hallway and they waited outside a large window where they could look in on Jeremiah broadcasting his show . A small electronic sign on the wallflashed " Live . " They waited until the sign went off . It meant that Jeremiah now played music or an advertisement because his microphonehad been turned off . Misty opened the studio door and ushered Adam in . Jeremiah stood up shaking Adam 's hand . " So nice of you to come . You can sit in front of that microphone , " he pointed at a microphone above a desk opposite where he sat in front of his microphone . " I 'll signal you when were ready to go on the air . " Adam waited just a few more moments until they were live . Jeremiah ask him questions about the foundation , where the money for the foundation came from , and a bit about Adam 's past . Adamhad prepared himself for all the questions he felt might be asked . When the interviewended , he felt like it went well and he didn 't give any of his secrets away . He had been slightly concerned he might slip , but , based on the questions Jeremiah ask , he didn 't even come close . Adam arrived at Marti 's house the next night with one Mason Sandwich with fries , as promised . He gave Marti a prolonged kiss when she let him in and he held her tight . She looked at the bag hehad . " A Mason Sandwich , I presume . " " I think I can accommodate a desire like that . " He sniffed the unmistakable odor of coconut cherry pie wafting in from the kitchen . " No offensive intended , but I really would like to sample some of your pie before I sample more of you . " He knew she kidded serious since the pie had been her idea . " Your being second best would never happen . But a fellow 's got to eat . Shall we have supper ? Then we can move on to other pleasant things . " He set the bag on the table while she retrieved two plates from the cabinet . He pulled the sandwich from the bag , unwrapped it , and put half of the sandwich on her plate . Then he took the crispy , skin - on fries from the baggiving her at least half of them . They immediately dug in though both had other things on their minds . " I really do love these fries , " he said in a food - muffled voice , " Somehow they manage to get them crispy but still soft inside . " After they finished their supper , she got up , retrieved two pie plates from the cupboard , and cut them each a generous piece of pie . It had been sitting on the counter beside the oven , cooling off . Then she got a half - gallon carton of ice cream from the freezer and an ice cream scoop from a drawer under the counter . " Would you do the honors , " she said , handing him the scoop ? " He put a smaller scoop onto the plate and handed the plate to her . She set it on the table in front of the place where she 'd been sitting . He scooped roughly the same amount of ice cream in a scoop and a half and placed them on his pie plate . He picked the plate up joining her at the table .

This publication is the exclusive property of cj Schlottman , and is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international , federal , state and local laws . The contents of this blog may not be reproduced as a whole or in part , by any means whatsoever , without consent of the author , cj Schlottman . All rights reserved . It 's five in the morning , and I have been awake since 3 : 30 . I fell asleep at 11 : 00 and was awake with leg pain at 12 : 30 . I took half a Lortab and went back to bed but was awake again at 3 : 30 , still hurting . I didn 't have any Trazadone last night , and that may be the reason I had so much trouble with pain . I don 't know . It doesn 't matter . I took some more pain medicine and now I am comfortable . The door to the balcony is open and as I sit here in the living room I can hear the wind rustling the oak trees . Honey doesn 't like the wind , so I 'm going to prop the door open just a little bit a try to find a comfort level for both of us . ( That didn 't work because the wind is swirling from different directions , so I had to close it . ) We just went outside for her to pee , and the feel of thunderstorms is in the air . The weather man promised these storms yesterday afternoon but they never happened . I walked to the oyster roast last night and only felt a few drops of rain . I like thunderstorms . I liked them as a child . There is something about the power of wind and rain that attracts me . Maybe it 's the fact that I can enjoy unsettled weather while I am sheltered from it and still feel its effects on my soul . The power of the universe is around us every moment of every day , and for me , the energy of storms infuses me with the knowledge of my own powers as a human being . It also has the humbling effect of reminding me that I am at the mercy of nature . I think I am awake because I need to write . Write what ? Just write . When I go for days without spending time at this keyboard , something dies in me . I feel incomplete , as though I have cheated myself out of one of my greatest pleasures , my most important outlet for self expession . Yesterday I admitted to myself that I am a little depressed , and I suppose that is true . This will help . It will also help when later this morning I bake the cheese straws I have been planning for two days . The butter is soft and the cheese is room temperature , and I will crank them out with a feeling of accomplishment . Cooking is good for me . I love the order of it all , the measuring and mixing , the resulting food that is good and that I can share with the people in my life . I lost the love of cooking when Clint got sick , and I am just now recovering it . It feels right . It feels like moving on and going back at the same time . A little as a year ago , typing was such a struggle that it wore me out , exhausted my body and my brain . Now my fingers fly across the keyboard and the words spill off their tips as quickly as they form in my head . It doesn 't matter what I write about . I need to write things down . I was in a funk yesterday because I discovered that beer is missing from my pantry and my refrigerator . Parrish drank it when he was here for Christmas , but I didn 't notice it until yesterday morning . I was not looking for it . I thought P was ready to spend some time with me here , but he is not . When he called me last night , I told him I knew he drank the beer . I said I was not mad . I said I was sad for him and for me . I said I was sorry for pushing him too hard , expecting too much of him so soon . All the time , though , I was wondering what would have been worse , him spending Christmas alone in his little apartment or being here and anxious and tempted to drink . My original idea of taking his meal to him was the right one , but I cannot undo what happened . Neither can he , and I wish he could give himself a break . He was not defensive but humble and respectful and expressed great shame . He admitted something I have been telling him for years and that is that being in my house makes him tense and anxious , brings up old feelings of shame and guilt that he is unable to let go . I pleaded with him to read Buddhist Boot Camp and try to immerse himself in the tenets of being present in the moment , learning to let go of the past . Night before last , after he spent a disturbing afternoon with Lawrence , I fetched him from his efficiency and brought him here for supper . I made some salmon and sweet potatoes out of the freezer , and after we ate , we sat for a couple of hours listening to classic rock music and playing music trivia . Between us we could name almost every band and most of the singers . We were both a little stuck on some of the composers , but we learned a lot while Googling . Neither one of us knew that John Fogarty wrote every one of Creedence 's top ten hits . He did not drink that night . We had a wonderful time together . He kept contrasting his afternoon at the cemetery with Lawrence with sitting in my living room listening to rock and roll with me . I kept urging him not to compare Lawrence and me , to accept the only kind of love his father can give him . I have a theory about Lawrence and the cemetery , and I think it is a valid one . He is incapable of showing love to the people who mean the most to him . He goes to the cemetery every three weeks and puts flowers on his parents ' graves , trying to make up for his inability to express his love to them while they were alive . It is very sad . Parrish found it disturbingly morbid and was unswayed when I tried to tell him that Lawrence 's behavior is understandable , that he is who he is because of where he came from - a family that did not express love . Clint used to have a cassette recording of a lecture by a man named Morris Massey , a sociologist . It is called " What You Are Is Where You Were When . " I wish I had those tapes . They explain how we are imprinted with our values and belief systems early in life , and that if they are not healthy , we must work to change them . Otherwise , we are stuck . If we never realize that we are stuck , we can never change . Lawrence is stuck . He was an unplanned addition to his family . His mother spent much of his childhood in a sanatorium for patients with tuberculosis , and he was not allowed in her presence for over five years . He essentially had no mother figure and because his father 's job kept him away from home most of the time , he was raised by his older brother , a good man but also a product of parents who did not know how to love , to express love . I want Parrish to understand something it took me years to internalize , and that is that Lawrence can no more help who he is than he can help being 71 years old . Parrish wants more ; he has always wanted more . I want him to learn to accept his father , his strengths and his weaknesses . Will it happen ? It can happen , but will P ever get beyond his father 's emotional unavailability ? That P and I could have a talk about these things is a major step in our developing a relationship that will work for us . He must not drink alcohol if we are to move forward . When he is drunk , he is a man I don 't know . He was not drunk on Christmas , thank God , but he did drink . He is stuck just as surely as his father is . P cannot accept his father back in his life without questioning whether or not he loves him . It is very difficult for both of them . And I am in the middle , an unenviable position . I finally accept Lawrence for who he is but it took 40 years for me come to this point . Do Lawrence and Parrish have enough time for them to reach this place ? It will take work . Lawrence does not know how to do the work . Will Parrish learn ? I cannot fix this . I cannot guide where it goes . I can only set my own limits and love both Parrish and Lawrence for who they are today , not for who they might be or for who they were in the past . The old me would be whining and moaning about this , asking myself and The Universe , " Why me ? Why do I have to do this again ? " I was to spend today visiting with Cuz , my dear friend , in Valdosta . He called early last night and said he was going into the hospital . Tears sprang to my eyes but I forced them back as I heard his painfully weak voice telling me that he was weak and constipated and in terrible pain . I knew things were not going well with his chemotherapy for stage four lung cancer because I had an email from him on Wednesday , saying he was in the infusion center for 8 hours that day for his " three hour " chemo treatment . He is anemic and was held over for a transfusion , and was to return for another on Thursday morning . When I read the email , I knew I had to go and see him . I haven 't been back since my visit in late September , and he didn 't feel good enough to come for Thanksgiving , even though I offered to drive over and pick him up . We talked briefly , agreeing that he would be in touch with me when he felt good enough to talk or email . He did not want me to come to Valdosta now . I could hear it in his voice , and I understood . I will see him when he is home . At a cerebral level , when Cuz was diagnosed with stage four cancer back in the summer , I knew that his life would be shortened , that without a miracle , he probably wouldn 't live another year . I have lived through loved ones being diagnosed with cancer and dying . Mary Ellen , another dear friend , lived only two months after her diagnosis of lung cancer . My brother John made it for a remarkable six years with renal cell carcinoma , four and a half of those years coming after his first metastatic lesions were found . I know this road , and at first I resented having to travel it again , so I dove under the cover of denial , telling myself that Cuz would defy all the odds . Resentment will not make this easier . It will only make me sick and less capable of being supportive and a positive force in what life Cuz has left . Statistically , his life expectancy from the time of diagnosis was eight months . He found the metastatic tumor on his forearm in mid August , four months ago . Does that mean he will die while I am in Paris this spring ? The possibility is real , but it never entered my mind while I was making my plans for the trip . When Mary Ellen was dying , I could not allow myself the luxury of denial . By the time she was diagnosed , she had huge tumors in her bones . I knew she would not live long . When John was sick , I actually believed that if I wanted him to live bad enough , he wouldn 't die . I thought I could will him to live . On the morning of his death , I still had not allowed myself to acknowledge that he was dying . That strong denial was what kept me from losing my mind at the thought of not having my baby brother in my life . I could not have borne the burden of mourning for him before he was gone . Though he did not die of cancer , I did not release my denial about my husband Clint 's terminal illness until five days before he passed away . Living with his illness and caring for him did not allow any room for the reality of his approaching death . It would have been too overwhelming , would have paralyzed me . Again , denial saved me from losing my mind . As it was , I became so depressed while he was sick that I was hospitalized for major depression eight months before he died . So , when Cuz got sick , I once more adopted the mantel of denial , believing at my core that he would somehow defy the odds and live a long time . Last night 's phone call from him stripped it away , and now I am faced with the real truth . He is going to die and maybe it will happen before he sees another summer . I haven 't cried yet , not really . My psychiatrist would advise me to watch a sad movie and let the tears flow , and she would be wise to do so . I need to cry about this and I need to cry a lot . But if I do , the reality of this horror will be undeniable . There . See ? I 'm still clinging to denial , attempting to save myself from the crippling pain of completely acknowledging the inevitable . If I hang to it , will I be better able to withstand the months to come ? Or , will I be stronger going into this one with my eyes wide open , be a more positive force in Cuz 's life ? I don 't know . I just don 't know . I need to give myself permission to " not know " for as long as I need to . This is so hard . No matter how many times I have to watch a dear one die , it will never be okay . It will always be horrid , no matter how I decide to process it . " This cancer may kill me , but it is NOT going to consume the rest of my life . It will be a fact in my life , but it will not BE my life . I refuse to give it that power over me and I am not praying to be cured , but rather to have the strength to live my life with dignity and grace . I can 't stand to be around complainers and I refuse to be one . " 39 years ago , on a Saturday night not unlike this one , in my mother 's living room here on Saint Simons , Clint and I were married . My mother 's dear friend , the Honorable Judge Anthony A . Alaimo , presided over the vows . His wife , Jean , accompanied him and she joined my mother and my brother John along with Rusty , Kristy and Robert Schlottman to witness our vows . Tony was stern and sincere in his delivery of the vows , and when the ceremony was over we felt very married . A man small in stature , he was huge of spirit . For the rest of his life , Clint accused me of bringing in " The Feds " to marry us up right . It worked . Our love grew over all the years of our time together , and we were more in love on the day Clint passed away than we were when we fell in love at first sight . After my years of protracted and complicated grief , I am happy again , feeding off the memories that are the fabric of our life together . I still miss Clint every day and I expect to for the rest of my life , but I am building a life without his physical presence . My move back to Saint Simons was the first step in my journey to re - discovering myself . Today , I made final plans for a two month stay in Paris during April and May . It is my next step on this road trip back to myself . I have a plane ticket , and Honey has an airline - approved carrier . Yes , I 'm taking her with me . I have rented a studio in a good neighborhood . A year ago , I could hardly walk , had no short term memory and was plagued with stress - driven illnesses . Today , I made plans to live for two months in a foreign country . It 's safe to say that this woman has come a long way . When I began to think about all the " coincidences " in my life of late , and there have been many , I was reminded of the theory of six degrees of separation . Frigyes Karinthy , an Hungarian author , playwright , poet and journalist , first put forth the theory in a very short story in 1929 . In the story , " Chain - Links , " he hypothesized that that any one person on earth can be connected to any other person on earth through a series of five or fewer acquaintance links . I found the story on the internet and read it . The fact that , in 1929 , Karinthy predicted the way our world communicates today is more than fascinating . When I moved home in August , I was reacquainted with The Famous Writer . Through him , I met the Drury brothers , Bob and Jim , and also Steve Applegate , whom they conscripted into service when they moved The Famous Writer into my flat for a planned visit of about three weeks . If you follow this blog , you know how that turned out . On the day of the move , I offered them refreshments and we sat down for a short visit . During the course of our getting acquainted , Jim invited us , my roommate Celeste , and The Famous Writer and me , to Music Night at his house any Wednesday night . The three men are accomplished musicians , and on every Wednesday , they get together at Jim 's house and , well , make music . Steve , a photographer , can make electric guitar talk , and he plays in a band called Stone Groove . Jim , a retired art teacher and visual artist , plays keyboards with a great deal of soul and creativity . Bob , a computer whiz and all - around bon vivant , plays acoustic guitar and electric guitar with contagious energy and flare . They all sing - really well . It was a couple of weeks before we made it to Jim 's on a Wednesday . Celeste was out of town , and it was before The Famous Writer morphed into a cranky old man , so I took him along . The energy in Jim 's house and the music that filled the air that night worked on me like a tonic , and I have rarely missed a Wednesday . These incredible musicians take turns choosing a song , improvising and sharing chord sequences , and each having such different styles , the end result is a melange of eclectic and soulful sounds . I look forward to it every week and always come away energized and positive and grateful to have been a part of it . Jim put together a song book , we call it The Hymnal , and from time to time I sing along . And I dance with the furniture . The six degrees of separation thing started on about my third visit to Jim 's . Steve , who is originally from Swainsboro , Georgia , and I were talking about something , I honestly forget what , when I mentioned my brother John 's name , and Steve said he remembered him . They had a connection through a mutual friend , and though they were not close friends , they were acquainted . Steve remembered John fondly , and I was pleased to find we had this parallel in our lives , that he had known my incredible brother . The weeks rocked by , and last week , Steve mentioned that his wife 's nephew , a young man named Kip Moore , is a rising star in the national country music scene . I said I thought that was cool and jotted down the name so I could Google him . Then I forgot all about it . My week was filled with family obligations and aggravations . I knew Steve was married and that his wife 's name was Janice , but until this Wednesday night , I had not met her . They came in the door together , and she and I shared a hug . After getting to know Steve , I was sure I would be crazy about her . And I was . We hugged again , a little tearfully , and I felt as though I had known this warm and welcoming woman all my life . She and John graduated from high school the same year , but she attended Brunswick High while John went to Glynn Academy . She lived in Brunswick . We lived on Saint Simons . They had a circle of mutual friends , John 's best friend , Larry McDonough , and his girlfriend , Emily to name only two . She also knew John 's girlfriend , Cindy . While the men made music , we sat at the table and reminisced about growing up " coastal . " She asked me who my friends were in high school , and I listed Mary Ellen Coleman and Cecie Cate and Mike Drury and Freddie Tullos and Donnie Livingston and a few more . She nodded in recognition . Steve piped in and said something about her nephew , Kip , the country singer . " Oh , yes ! Steve told me about him . It sounds as though he is on his way to the top . " " He 's definitely making a splash , " Janice replied " He didn 't win a American Country Award this year but he was nominated for Single of the Year by a male artist and for Single of the Year by a new artist . He 's wonderful , and we are all so proud of him . He 's a terrific young man . " I did not make the connection . I don 't know why , but I didn 't put Kip Moore and Stan Moore together . Stan was in my class at Glynn Academy . I could easily have included his name earlier in our conversation . My synapses began to activate . I did feel light - headed but didn 't swoon . It was sensory overload , connections falling on top of one another as they were . I met a woman the same age as my brother who called him her friend . Her brother was the same age as me and I knew him well and was very fond of him . They are both dead now . Until that night , Janice and I had never met , but in the course of a couple of hours , we established a strong connection . To make it all the more sweet , we like each other . It 's entirely conceivable that we might have met and had bad chemistry , but we didn 't . There 's an eerie symmetry to that . When in the course of our conversation , I mentioned my friend Mike Drury 's name ( no relation to Jim and Bob ) , Janice 's face lit up . And so it went . I 'm embarrassed to say that our newfound synchronicity kept Janice and me talking through most of the music . Every now and then , we piped in and sang along , but we were engrossed in how our stories meshed together . At the end of the evening , I knew I had a new and invaluable friend . So , the six degrees of separation thing goes like this : The phone rang at about eight o ' clock in the evening on Thursday , a week before Thanksgiving . It was Librarian from the University , calling to speak to The Famous Writer . We exchanged pleasantries and after a few minutes , I took the phone to the guest room where he had been holed up for the most part of two weeks . I knocked , and getting no response , pushed open the door . The room was dark and empty . When , in early October , I invited The Famous Writer to stay with us , he was to be here for three weeks while he prepared to move to College Town , where his archives are being installed at the library at the university . It was a cost cutting move for him because he was living in an expensive assisted living facility . I was delighted to have him . I suppose , as Rosemary , my friend and mentor suggested , it was because of my adventurous spirit that I opened my home to him . I knew there might be a few bumps in the road , but I was unprepared for the events that followed . The Famous Writer who came to visit morphed into another being from the gentle man I knew and loved over the years . After three weeks , he was still making calls and arrangements and seemed on the verge of nailing down his plans . Celeste and I offered to take him to College Town to rent a apartment , but when , a day before we were to to leave , he did not have a list of places to see , I said we wouldn 't take him until his plans were more fleshed out . That 's when he dove into a wine bottle and stayed there . So , four weeks into his three week stay , he was not only still here but he was drunk and mean and , in general , unacceptable . He rarely came out of the guest room and when he did , he was rude and sarcastic . He refused food for the most part , preferring a microwaved corn dog to freshly prepared meals . There is a saying that old doctors never retire , and I believe the same is true of old nurses . I could not help myself . I was concerned that The Famous Writer was dehydrated , taking in most of his calories in alcohol as he was and refusing to drink water . When he bristled at the idea of having some blood work done , I told him he would have to find another place to stay if he would not take care of himself . " I will not preside over you making yourself ill . You are my guest , and I am worried about you . Celeste is worried about you . We all are . " " Nice try , " I said . That kind of manipulative talk won 't work on me . It 's a great way to deflect energy and attention away from the real problem , which is you , but it won 't work with me . I survived my mother . " I should add that Stan and Al , long time friends of The Famous Writer , were here when he and I had this conversation . They came by to check on him after he refused to join them for their weekly lunch date . I took advantage of their presence so I would have witnesses to our conversation . If I know anything about narcissistic personalities it is that they are rarely accurate reporters of events which do not turn out to their satisfaction . " Kiss my ass , " I shot back . " You are not welcome to stay here with me if you continue down this path . I did not adopt you . Either let me call the doctor or call another friend to take you in . " I dressed and went to Coastal Kitchen to meet a friend for a drink and something to eat . When I came home , I brought The Famous Writer a grilled cheese sandwich . He refused it and did not come out of his room . He waved his arm at the boxes on the floor of the guest room . " There are some cans of ravioli over there some place . I 'll just eat some of that . " I went to the kitchen and prepared supper for myself . I was finishing my meal when The Famous Writer presented himself in the living room . He sat down and said we needed to talk to me about his life . He was weeping . " My life is like that of a championship fighter . Boxers have to win 150 fights before anyone takes them seriously . They are brave warriors who are never appreciated while they are alive . " I tried not to shoot wine through my nose . " She did not kill your father . She had dementia and when your father fell and could not get up , she did 't know who he was and was afraid of him . He lay on the floor for three days before you checked on them . I know that he later died in the hospital , but don 't try to tell me Alice killed him . " " Okay . When you lapse into a coma from dehydration and malnutrition , I 'll call an ambulance to pick you up and take you to the hospital . In the meantime , start making arrangements for another place to stay . " Three days went by without any action on The Famous Writer 's part . On Wednesday night , when I returned from an evening with friends , The Famous Writer 's light was on and the door was cracked . I stuck my head in the door and asked how he was doing . I ignored that remark , having heard it a number of times . I had stepped into the room and pulled off my sweater , and as I was turning to leave , I saw that there were two empty wine bottles on the floor behind his chair . I walked over and picked them up and realized they were from my wine rack . I bought them for special occasions , not for The Famous Writer to drink them out of the bottle while sulking in the guest room . " Leave my stuff the fuck alone ! It would never occur to me to come in here and mess with your things , take things that are not mine . You are drunk and sloppy and I am tired and angry . I 'm going to bed . Put that ridiculous gun away . " I walked out into the kitchen , and a few minutes later , I heard the door to the guest room close . When I looked around the corner , my purse and sweater were on a pile on the rug in the foyer . I went to bed . The next morning , when I needed a phone to return a call , I could not find a hand set . Realizing that both of them were probably in the room with The Famous Writer , I knocked on the guest room door and pushed it open . There was resistance , and I realized that he had barricaded himself in the room by pushing his wicker chest against the door . " I need a phone , and you need not barricade yourself against me since you are the one with the gun . " I let him sleep until 3 : 30 that afternoon when our mutual friend , David , arrived . He came to support me in my decision to give The Famous Writer immediate notice . " Pulling a gun out of your bag in an effort to intimidate me while we were in the middle of a disagreement was beyond any semblance of acceptable behavior . You may no longer stay here . Make arrangements to be out of here tomorrow , and in the meantime , give David the gun . " The negative energy in the house was so toxic that Honey was either hiding in the pantry , in the bottom of Celeste 's closet or behind my toilet . In spite of The Famous Writer 's behavior , I was not angry . I was fed up , exhausted with his negativism and his sarcasm and his egomaniacal behavior . He went back into the guest room and started making phone calls . David joined him , trying to facilitate some sort of exit for the old bastard . I went to the door and reiterated my demand that he be out of my house within 24 hours . The Famous Writer 's friend , Randy , arrived , saying The Famous Writer called him and asked him to drive him to Susan 's house . Susan is The Famous Writer 's ex - wife . Randy was on his way out of town to a recording session and didn 't have time to take anybody anywhere . David , who is as fed up with The Famous Writer as I am , declared that he would not take him to Susan 's without talking to her first . When he called her , she said The Famous Writer was not welcome her house . Celeste arrived from a trip out of town and immediately inserted herself into the chaos . She just wanted to help . There they all were , Celeste and Randy and David , in the room with a drunk and crazy man , trying to do something with him . Randy left , followed closely by David . Celeste , who has romanticized The Famous Writer from the moment she met him , seeing him as some sort of tragic tortured figure , fixed him a corn dog and took it to him . Then she joined me on the balcony for a cigarette and a glass of wine . About thirty minutes later , the phone call from the librarian came , and I took the phone to the guest room . " He 's not here ! I shouted . " " He is not in this apartment , " I said . I went down to the garage and out onto the lawn calling The Famous Writer 's name . No response . I came back upstairs and sat and thought about what I should do . I wanted to call the police . I wanted them to know a drunken and frail old man had walked away from my apartment in the dark of night . " He was on the phone with Susan earlier , I 'm sure she made arrangements for him to get to her house , " Celeste said . But I did worry . I called Susan , and without telling her that her ex - husband had flown the coop , asked if she had talked to him in the last thirty minutes or so . She denied having spoken to him at all . I worried some more . Then I called David . He 's the only person in this whole crazy cast of characters who has been able to maintain civil relationships with both The Famous Writer and Susan . He agreed with Celeste that they had cooked up some kind of scheme to get The Famous Writer to her house . I relaxed for a while . After three hours , though , I phoned the police . They came right away and got a description of The Famous Writer and said they would notify all the police units on the island to be on the look out for him . As they were walking out the door , David called to say the runaway was at Susan 's house . I grabbed the phone and punched in her number . I hung up the phone , feeling as though my erstwhile guest had done me the biggest favor in the world by walking away of his own volition . It would be several days before I learned that he actually did wander into the darkness of Gascoigne Bluff that night . Someone picked him up and took him to a store , where he called a cab to take him to Susan 's . The next day , Susan sent The Famous Writer packing to a hotel in Brunswick . The following week , I went to see him and invited him to share our Thanksgiving meal . He had fallen and was sore and crankier than usual . Since he didn 't have anything for pain , I actually gave him a couple of my pain pills to tide him over until he could get in touch with his doctor . I received a muted and muttered , " Thank you . " On Thanksgiving afternoon , Celeste drove to town and brought him over . The moment he entered the apartment , I was sorry he was here . He began to complain of pain , and when I asked if he had been in touch with his doctor , he snarled , Over and hour later , when he finally deigned to grace us and our other guests with his presence , he was critical , snarky and sullen . Since then , he has resided in what he refers to as a roach motel . I have called to check on him several times , and Celeste and David have been to see him on a couple of occasions and taken him food . He refuses to apologize to me for his dreadful behavior , somehow imagining that he is the wronged party . I will miss him like a person misses a toothache when it is gone . It 's raining . I think it rained most of the night . I should know because I was up twice nursing my injured hip and it was coming down pretty hard both times . It rained most of yesterday and the night before that , too . Being a pluviophle , I like this weather . This business with my hip has me off my game . When I am comfortable enough do something like write , I soon realize that I am too sleepy to stay awake to do anything . And I 'm crazy . On Friday Marnie and I went out to do some errands and I put the mailbox key in my purse so I could get the mail on the way back in . When we got home the key was nowhere to be found . We went to get my new glasses and then to Harris Teeter . I don 't think I dropped it at either place , but I suppose I should call and ask . Well , I just called both places and my keys are at neither . So , I will have to pay to have another mail box key made . Shit . It 's only money . This has been a funky week . I expected to hear from P in jail by now since I wrote him last Friday and said I opened a special account on the landline for him to call me . Today , a friend of his , Clay Wilson , called me to say he had spent the weekend with P . I didn 't ask any questions . I suppose he got a DUI . Anyway , he said P is doing well , that he is campaigning to become a trusty so he can get his sentence reduced by 30 days . I don 't know how I feel about that . Life is easier without him around . I 'm holding fast to my resolve to make him live elsewhere when he gets out of jail . I suppose I should get in touch with Lawrence and Melissa and start making some plans for an apartment or studio . The idea of once more setting him up in a place makes me want to pull my hair . The last place he lived was so awful , he was so scared when he moved out that he left his television set in his room . So we get to start all that over again - a TV , cable , dishes and linen and all that crap . I hope Lawrence will give him the bike that is at his house . I am maybe a little depressed . I 'm tired all the time and nothing seems very funny . It started with the pain pills I took after I hurt my hip . I haven 't taken any in two full days but I still feel out of it and lazy . I can 't walk very far and that 's not helping . And my hip is still very uncomfortable . Around noon today when Honey and I went out for a little while , we walked toward the marina . I was looking straight ahead , which is the way I do , and Honey was pulling me to the left . When I glanced over , there stood a Great Egret just as still as a statue , right there in the middle of one of the side roads where people park their boat trailers . His neck was extended its full length , and I swear he looked closer to four feet tall than the usual three feet or so . He was as regal as any king . Honey , Dumbass that she can be , didn 't notice the bird . She was all about a dog approaching from the other side . I could see the dog 's owner in the background , walking slowly and tryWe see Great Egrets every day from our balcony . There are not only Egrets but Great Blue Herons and the occasional Wood Stork . In the mornings , they fly over toward Saint Simons Sound , where they feed , and when the sun is down but before it gets dark they return to their roosts farther north on the island . When we lived on Dunbar Creek , we could look across the marsh with binoculars and watch Great Blue Herons nesting and feeding their young . Once we saw a Bald Eagle perched there . We used to watch Wood Storks fly over toward the sound in the mornings . Amazingly enough and in spite of all the development that has taken place on this island in the last two decades , there is a Wood Stork rookery near the north end . The nesting area of those Great Blue Herons we enjoyed so much when we lived on Dunbar Creek , regrettably , is gone . The marsh hummock on which they nested was rezoned from " conservation " to " residential " so a rich person could build a house there . Seems he wanted his own island . Someone should have told him it was already occupied by the original owners . I can happily say that I fought hard against the rezoning of that little piece of land . It was over ten years ago and many of us bird lovers knew it would only be a matter of time before someone went in with bulldozers and cleared some land on that hummock for a house . I guess the only thing to be glad of today is that it took so long . The Famous Writer Whatever I did out on that dance floor Saturday night is painful and scary . The pain is a sharp ache , if there is such a thing , and it is constant . I think I managed to do significant damage to my hip . This afternoon in the shower , I noticed a large bruise on that side . Yes , a bruise . My hip bled internally and probably is still bleeding some and I didn 't even strike it on anything . All I did was shake my moneymaker , hard . Tomorrow I 'm going back to urgent care to get a referral to an orthopedist . The pain pills continue to make me nauseated and I vomited violently yesterday afternoon . With all the vomiting and itching and fuzziness they cause , the pills don 't stop the pain . Wednesday afternoon I fetched The Famous Writer from Bennet House , the assisted living facility where he is living for now , and we went off to do his errands and eat some lunch at a place called The Brewery . We had a little trouble finding the place because he wasn 't really sure where it was , but we stumbled on it with a little help from Google . He seems a bit foggy at times and I think it 's because he was treated for Parkinson 's ( which he does not have ) and for some unidentified psychosis for a while and the drugs messed with his brain . He 's always been crazy but those drugs were not what he needed . We settled in and he had a glass of Guinness and I had some Glenlivet on the rocks while we chatted and caught up . His life is pretty much in chaos , but he seems resigned to it , at least for the short term . According to The Famous Writer , his ex - wife , went crazy and divorced him a few months ago and that 's why he 's living at Marsh View . He says she 's been throwing crazy all up on him via emails and texts and he is pretty aggravated about that . I expect he 's thrown a little crazy her way , too . She kept the car . He hasn 't bought himself another one yet but he has a line on a Toyota with only 100 , 000 miles on it . Some years ago , The Famous Writer made a deal with the university in College Town to house his considerable archives after his death . Since his divorce from Susan , he got in touch with the librarian who is in charge of archives at the university and offered his things now . The librarian is pumped at the idea and is sending a crew to gather up all of his notes and interviews and memorabilia . Most of the things are in his office at Susan 's house , which used to be his house too , but he has some things in his cell , as he calls it , referring to his tiny room at Marsh View . He was unclear about the time frame for all this , but he is going to College Town later this month to have dinner with the university president and some dignitaries who will be funding the project . It turns out that The Famous Writer is good friends with Colonel Bruce . He 's the man we went to Coastal Kitchen to hear on Saturday night . I didn 't know they were friends when , as soon as we arrived , I told Celeste , my roommate , that we should have brought The Famous Writer with us . I 'm not surprised , though . He knows a whole lot of people in the music world . We went to the bank and the drug store and to a liquor store down at Exit 44 where they keep his favorite sauvignon blanc in stock for him . He bought a case , which it what he usually does , and when we got back to his assisted living facility , he produced a tote from the leather bag he always carries around and we loaded it with six of the bottles . He took them inside , and after another trip the whole case was safely in his cell . He reminded me more than once that it was okay to have that much wine in his room . I said I didn 't care . What he drinks is his own damned business . He needed to go to the drug store to question the amount they charged on his credit card . Turns out someone else has been using his card number - to the tune of nearly $ 900 . 00 . He got all that straightened out and was feeling considerably less poor when we left . We sat on the porch and rocked in the cool afternoon breeze and talked some more . He remains in touch with the members of the band he wrote a book about . He told me he has a new book in the works but that because he has chronic pain , it is difficult to write . He has an appointment with a pain specialist next week . My hip was throbbing so I said I had to come home . We kissed and said good - bye . I can 't wait to bring him over here . I 'm blaming it on the fat man . I mean , the scrawny man with the glasses is not at fault here . He 's just the reason I ended up on what was making do for a dance floor . Colonel Bruce was jamming it up at Coastal Kitchen on Saturday night so Marnie and I went to hear him and his band . Old Bruce was singing and playing that guitar of his and laying his soul out for all to see and we were hanging out on the porch just dancing with ourselves . Okay , I might have been wanting to dance with a live person pretty bad . So I went down where he was and started shaking my moneymaker . He was jumping around like a chicken but he would occasionally swing me around . I guess the fat man didn 't want to miss out on the action because before long he appeared out of nowhere and stepped out there with us and started grinding his rather abundant booty around and waving his arms , kind of like a hippo on speed . Jesus . I was dancing in a zoo . I swear to God I was not gyrating hard enough to throw anything of joint . I swear . The pavement was uneven and when the fat man lost his rhythm while we were doing a sort of bump thing , I stepped on a brick and threw out my right hip . I felt the crunch . Embarrassed and not wanting to look like an old lady who couldn 't dance a little while without injuring some body part , I stayed with it for about a minute more . I have to say the pain pretty much took my heart out of it . My hip was screaming at me to stop so I did and after a while Marnie and I came on home . We were both tired and I needed to put some ice on my hip and pray nothing was broken . I worried that I might be dragging her away from the band but she insisted she was ready to leave . I didn 't sleep much . My hip was hurting pretty bad and I couldn 't get comfortable . Honey was outdone with me for flopping around from side to side all night and she settled at the foot of the bed instead of on the pillow next to me where she usually sleeps . Who could blame her ? A dog deserves a little peace and quiet in the middle of the night . Sunday morning finally came and I got up and made some coffee and looked in the phone book for the number of the urgent care place that is so conveniently located about half a block from here . I called and found out they didn 't open until twelve o ' clock and then waited and watched the clock until noon . I somehow found out I could walk without a lot of pain if I flailed my right leg ( the injured one ) way out to the side . It wasn 't pretty , really looked like I had something shoved up my ass , but it worked . I tried a cane and it helped some but not like the leg flailing thing . Marnie took me over to urgent care and while I was waiting she went to the nail salon to fetch my iPad . I left it the other day when I got a manicure . That 's the kind of thing I do all the time - leave my important stuff around town . I have to do business with people I can trust . I once left my debit card at The Players Club in Macon . They all just sighed and put it in a safe place for me . When I got in to see the doctor he ordered an x - ray and I am pleased to report that nothing is broken , which is not to say that nothing hurts . The doctor explained to me that I have a severe hip sprain , probably some damage to the muscles and tendons . Hell , I didn 't know a person could sprain a hip . An ankle , yes . A hip , no . So he gave me a prescription for some pain pills and muscle relaxers and said if I were not a whole lot better in four days I should come back and pick up my x - rays and he would send me to an orthopedist . He said I should rest in bed as much as possible . It wasn 't hard to follow his instructions . Every time I took a step I wanted to scream . Here it is Tuesday night and I have to say if it weren 't for the pain pills I would have pulled out all of my hair by now . I can actually walk without the flail and be pretty comfortable but when the drugs wear off , the pain starts up again . There 's a down side to those pills , though . They make me nauseated and itchy . My nose is red from me scratching it . My skin feels hyper - sensitive and itches too . I 'm foggy in my brain and slow to react . I can 't think of any reason anyone would want to take Lortab for fun . Tomorrow afternoon I 'm supposed to go to Brunswick and pick up Stanley and take him off to a pub so we can have a proper visit . I haven 't seen him in over ten years and I intend to keep that date . Ever since I talked to him on the phone the other afternoon , I 've been excited about seeing him . Stanley Booth is a writer of some note , having written Rythm Oil : A Journey Through The Music Of The American South , not to mention The True Adventures of the Rolling Stones , which has been translated into just about every language and remains popular since its release in 1985 . It was re - released last year . Also last year , he received a lifetime achievement award from the Smithsonian honoring his work . There are other books as well and he has written articles for GQ and Rolling Stone just to mention two well respected magazines who have published his work . He 's about the best story teller I ever knew , and the idea of missing an afternoon with him because of this fucking dancing injury is out of the question . I will be there . Stanley will talk and I will listen and forget about my hip for a while . Posted by

They lay in the field , staring up at the stars , as they did every weekend . Weston and Violet lay on a blanket staring up , as they cuddled close . Today was a special day , a day they wouldn 't forget . " Happy one year , Violet . " Weston said , and kissed her forehead . Violet looked back up at Weston , and kissed his lips . She muttered the same thing to him , " Happy one year , Weston . " They laid there in silence , both so happy with their lives . The park they sat lay in was closed at night , but they had found an area where people wouldn 't look . Weston and Violet were under an old tree , and they were just around a hill . They were completely invisible to everyone else . " Do you fear death , Weston ? " " Not if I am with you when it happens . " " I wish I could live with you forever . I wish we would never age , and we would always remain teenagers . " Weston thought about what Violet had just said . " Forever ? " He asked . They were both seventeen , and like every other teenager , they used the phrase " I love you " too soon . But they meant it , when they first said it . They had been dating for only three months , and Violet had said it first . She was so scared to say it first , but she was afraid it wasn 't going to be said . Immediately after she had said it , Weston kissed her and said it back . " Yes , forever . Don 't you agree ? " Violet asked . " … If I found a way to become immortal , would you really live with me forever ? " Weston asked back . " Of course I would . " " Then I 'll find a way . " Violet tucked her face into Weston 's chest , and they laid there until the sun began to shine over the beautiful mountains . Weston packed up everything , and they went their separate ways , only to fall asleep in their beds because they had stayed up all night . This is the way anyone wanted to spend the first night of summer . On this very day , one year ago , Weston had asked Violet to be his at the end of the last school day . It was quite unexpected , too . But that was just how Violet had liked it , completely and withoutSummer was great , and when Weston woke up , it was only about 8 . He had been expecting to sleep in until around noon , but he had a lot on his mind . He woke up and went straight to his computer , without eating breakfast , to research how to become immortal . Weston had a little brother , named Tyler . Tyler attended the middle school that Weston used to go to . Tyler was stomping up every step headed upstairs , surely waking up their parents . " Good morning , big brother ! " Tyler yelled at the top of his lungs . " Shut the fuck up , Tyler . You 'll wake up Mom and Dad . Go away . " Weston responded . Knowing that Weston would get angry , Tyler yelled , " Mom , Weston told me to ' shut the fuck up ! ' " A faint voice could be heard from their parent 's room , saying , " Go to your room , Wes . " Weston quickly turned back around to the computer to print out the page he was reading , and he punched Tyler as hard as he could in his shoulder . " I hate you , Tyler . I 've never liked you . Ever since you were born , I was begging Mom and Dad to take you back to the hospital . " Weston said . He grabbed his papers while Tyler just sat there trying to grasp what his older brother had just said to him . What Weston had said to Tyler was true ; Tyler continued to cry whenever he was brought home . Weston was at the age of three at this point . Tyler cried and cried and cried . Weston walked into his parent 's room at about four in the morning to ask , " Mom , Dad ? Can we take Tyler back now ? " " Hey baby , how 's your day ? I had fun last night . " Violet answered . " I found out how to become immortal . " " Oh , did you ? " Violet was laughing at him . " I did . " Weston responded , dead serious . There was a silence over the line , and Violet giggled . " Well , what did you find ? " " I can 't talk for too long , because I 'm in trouble . But there is a grave in the cemetery way uptown , the name on the grave is ' Ronald Hubbel . ' " " Okay … ? " Violet was confused . " If you kill a loved one or someone dear to you , get some blood , and pour it on the grave , Hubbel will grant you immortality . " " That sounds a little crazy , Weston . Listen to yourself . " Violet said . " Plus , who the hell is this Hubbel guy ? " " I 'm going to kill Tyler . " " WHAT ? ! WHY ? ! " " To be with you . " Weston responded . " Weston , you can 't . " " I 'm going to slit his throat . We 'll see if I am immortal the next day , and if it worked , you can do it too . " " WESTON . NO . You can 't do this . Can 't you just cut his arm and get some blood ? " Violet asked . " No , Tyler has to die . The trick will not work unless he is dead . The best way to kill someone , mortal or immortal , is by slitting the throat . " Weston explained . " You cannot kill an immortal person by slitting his or her neck . " " I know . That much is true . But listen . Love is the only thing that counteracts with immortality . " " Weston , this is fucking stupid . So you 're saying that tonight , you 're going to slit your brother 's throat , pour the blood on a grave , and live forever ? " " Yep . That 's what I 'm saying . " Weston said . " This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard . " " I 'll take you with me and we 'll go live somewhere far away from Colorado . " " This isn 't going to work , Weston . " " I love you , Violet . " " I love you too , but don 't do this . " Weston hung up . Richard Hubbel was a reject . An outcast . As a high school student , Richard was considered one of those kids that just wasn 't all there . Richard was a senior in high school when he met Tabatha . She was a girl that wasn 't quite there , either . But when they were together , they were the perfect match , and that was all that mattered . The year was 1967 . One night during the summer , a neighbor reported screaming to the police from the Hubbel 's house , and the neighbor had also seen Richard running out of his house , with a glass of what seemed to be red wine . As Richard ran , he did not pay much attention to traffic . Cars were slamming on their brakes and swerving their paths to let Richard continue running . But a car driving a sixty miles per hour did not pay close enough attention , and slammed right into Richard , when he was just across the street from a cemetery in Colorado . The glass that Richard was holding , which had blood instead of wine , flew out of his hand across the street into the cemetery . The blood landed on a walkway , just next to a grave . A man walking by witnessed Tabatha , hopping the fence into the cemetery , to blow on that very concrete walkway . She was trying to blow the blood off of the concrete and onto the grave . They had a funeral for Richard . His family showed up , and even Tabatha 's parents arrived . They told Richard 's parents that Tabatha had run away . During the funeral , they mourned two deaths . Richard had slit his older sister 's throat , taken the blood and put it into a glass . His Mom had walked in just as he was leaving , and she screamed at the sight of her daughter laying there , dead . Richard 's sister was in her coffin ; however , they never found Richard . Tabatha never came home . Legend has it , they both live somewhere in Minnesota , but Richard 's parents don 't know that . Richard Hubbel 's grave remains in Colorado . Weston and Violet were together at the park , but this time , the sun was still up . There were only a couple of clouds . Weston and Violet were sitting at the edge of the park 's playground . " Who am I supposed to kill , Weston ? " " I don 't know , dear . Kill a cousin you don 't really like . " " Jesus Christ , Weston . I can 't believe you 're going through with this . " Violet began to cry . She was not a big fan of the idea of killing a loved one . " Violet , we 'll be teenagers forever . Don 't you want that with me ? Don 't you love me ? " " Of course I love you , Weston . " " I 'm not asking for sex , Violet . This really isn 't that big of a deal . " " No , but you 're asking me to MURDER someone . You want me to END someone 's LIFE . " Weston kissed her cheek , and walked home . The sun had gone down . Weston remained silent at the dinner table . Tyler blabbered on about how his day was , and how he was going to have a lot of fun tomorrow . Weston snickered . Tyler , in no way shape or form , did anything to alter Weston 's decisions for what was to come later that night . Tyler threw broccoli at Weston , and he did not react at all . He did nothing , and as usual , Tyler received no punishment . Weston was always considered the bad child , because he was the older brother . It was never fair . If Weston broke a glass he was grounded for a week . If Tyler broke a priceless vase , he was only scolded . If Weston said anything , he would be in trouble . It caused him to bottle a lot of his emotions inside , because he could never say anything . Dinner went by quickly , and Weston got up to push his chair in , and put his plate by the sink as he was supposed to . He silently walked into the living room and began to watch some television , when just five minutes later , Tyler yanked the remote from Weston 's hands to change the channel . They sat there watching whatever Tyler wanted to watch , and Weston had no choice at all . Tyler flipped through music videos filled with big beat nonsense , and stupid reality shows like the rest of the population . The clock struck ten , and Weston went into bed . Of course , Tyler made a little remark as Weston was walking up the stairs . " Good night , faggot . " Weston continued to walk without paying any attention . It didn 't matter ; it would all be over soon . He wouldn 't have to deal with Tyler anymore , and he could live with Violet , forever in happiness . Weston lay in bed , his arms above the covers , staring up at the ceiling . His phone vibrated , and he had received a text message from Violet . It only said , " I love you . " Of course , Weston sent a message saying the same thing . There are four definitions for the word " slit " . The first definition describes a narrow fissure . The second definition states , " A depression scratched or carved into a surface . " Synonyms for this deWeston , with the blood in his hand , had reached the cemetery . There was a hole in the fence , and he had crawled through it . The blood still filled the cup nearly halfway . The next problem that Weston had was that he did not know where the grave of Richard Hubbel was . He grabbed his flashlight and began running through the cemetery , until he reached the very middle of it . There was the grave . The name was right there . Richard S . Hubbel , rest in peace . Weston did not take his time ; he immediately poured the blood onto the grave , and waited to see what would happen . Weston felt a quick rush crawl up his spine . He wasn 't cold , and it wasn 't a pee shiver , it had started from his feet and travelled all the way to his head . He felt better in a way . The impossible happened . Richard Hubbel 's grave immediately spawned a flower . A little dandelion , shot out of the ground and opened up . Weston did not know how to prove he was immortal . Weston had a thought run through his mind . He needed to go home and hide Tyler 's body , before it was morning . The moon was going down , and Weston sprinted back to his bike , and headed home . And for a second , Weston laughed to himself . No , not because he felt relieved that he had gained physical immortality , but because of the thought of being hit by a car and still being able to survive . Weston was not going to try it , not yet . The clock struck two in the morning as he was biking home , and Weston gave Violet a call . She didn 't answer . Weston assumed she was probably sleeping . Weston got home , scared of the thought of his parents being awake . He dropped his bike in the driveway , and walked in through the garage . No lights in the house were on . This was a good sign . Weston opened the door to the garage , usually the loudest door in the house . He took off his slip - on shoes immediately to lessen the noise . He had to go upstairs , and take care of Tyler 's body . Maybe he did it just to stay there a few more days with his Mom and Dad , without being interrupted or being annoyed . Maybe he did it because he wanted the attention . Maybe he did it so he could live there , forever . He tiptoed up the stairs and went into Tyler 's room . The fresh blood from the body was shining in the moonlight that had come from the hallway . Weston walked up to the bed , and ripped off the blanket . Tyler 's body was dressed in black completely . Weston grabbed Tyler 's wrist to check for a pulse , and it was smaller than usual . Weston 's heart dropped . For a final test , he reached at Tyler 's chest . Weston felt breasts . He panicked , and turned on the light . Lying there was Violet 's body . A note was lying on the bedside table . Just a few hours earlier , Violet called Weston 's house . Tyler answered , listening to his hip hop music on the television . " Yeah ? " " Is Weston there ? I tried to call his cell phone . " " No . He 's in bed . Do you want something ? " " No , not really . I might come over to check on him . " " Well , I 'm sleeping downstairs tonight , so be quiet when you come in . I won 't tell my parents . " " Hmm … Thanks , Tyler . Bye . " " Bye . " Tyler grabbed a couple of blankets and some pillows from his bed and ran downstairs . He turned the television off just before he went to sleep . He fell asleep around eleven . To make herself more unseen in the dark , Violet dressed herself in black to avoid getting caught . She went through people 's yards and avoided the sidewalk . Violet 's watch beeped , and said 12 : 00 whenever she got inside . Violet knew where Tyler 's room was . She tiptoed upstairs and left her shoes downstairs , hoping Weston wouldn 't see them in the dark . She twisted the doorknob into Tyler 's dark room and got under the blankets . Just then , she heard Weston 's door open . " Dearest Weston , Let me start off by apologizing . I was in love with you , but in the worst way possible , I did use you . Do you remember me ever talking about my first love a few years ago ? Well , let me just say , he told me one night that he wished we last forever , as teenagers . So , do you know what I did ? I went online . I researched how to become immortal , and in this small town of Littleton , there was a page about a man named Richard Hubbel . I looked him up , I studied his history , much like you did . Hubbel found a way to become immortal . When he was struck by a car , the blood of his beloved sister struck the grave of another man that found out how to become immortal . Questions still rise . The man that was immortal before Hubbel , was he even in the grave ? Is Hubbel in his grave ? Legend has it that he and his love , Tabatha , are still alive living somewhere far away . I killed my first love , Weston . And you were spot on , Weston . The only ways to kill an immortal person is by either slitting the throat ( if they are in love with you . ) or chopping off their head . And I am in love with you , and I am so sorry that I used you . So now , you have the Hubbel Curse . You must find someone to fall in love with you , so far deep in love that they would kill to be with you forever . Make them kill you somehow , so you don 't have to live in eternity alone . It 's a never ending curse , Weston . It can be stopped , but the person you love and the person that loves you are never , ever the same person . I didn 't love you as much as you loved me . I , again , am sorry . Your family should be up any minute . I suggest you run . Sincerely , Violet . " Just two days after having sex for my first time , I 'm left alone . Alicia won 't talk to me , my parents hate having a crazy kid , and they don 't want me anymore . I 've been accused of killing someone … I don 't understand , this shouldn 't have happened . · Increased isolation . My feet hang off of this cliff ; dwelling over what has happened is all I can do . The very thought of jumping is becoming more and more justified every moment . Some moments I 'm crying , some moments I 'm angry at Cecil , some moments I 'm happy that everyone else will be happy when I 'm gone . · Extreme moodiness . I 'm never going to be alone ; Cecil will always be here . I 'm never going to be happy ; Alicia no longer loves me . As I become drenched in thought , the need to end my life increases . What has happened and what is to come don 't matter anymore , I 'll just become a distant memory . I close my eyes before I make the final decision , and I think about the events of the past week that have led me to this point . Cecil took over me , the night of the party . I had a few drinks , and I saw him . He walked up to me and said , " Hey , nice catch . She 's hot . " He proceeded to cover my eyes with his hands , and took control . He led Alicia upstairs to the guest room , originally Cecil 's room before he passed , and had sex with her . She asked me , no , she asked him , " Are you sure you want to do this ? I thought we 'd wait until we 're older … " to which he responded , " If you love me … You would do this with me . " I swear to you , it wasn 't me . I would never pressure the love of my life to give away the most sacred thing she could . It wasn 't fair to her , I could not believe those words escaped my mouth . I had an out - of - body experience at that moment , or so it felt ; I was standing there , witnessing myself having sex with Alicia . At one point , Cecil turned MY head and looked at me standing there , and smiled . I should never have been with her ; Cecil had loved her before he had passed . I took back control just before I had climaxed , andI woke up just as the sun was rising . I packed my bad , and stared out to the mountains . It was a perfect temperature , and the view was beautiful . The last time I had stared into the sunrise was when I was sleeping in Alicia 's house . As the sun began to completely rise , I packed my stuff . I was drenched in water from the wet woodchips , and I had mud all over my pants . I had not showered a couple of days before I had left my house as well . · Decline in personal hygiene . From my backpack , I left my blanket , my muddy clothes , and my flashlight behind , so it wasn 't as much of a load . I kept food and water , to keep myself going . I needed to get away from my town , and find a job somewhere else . I 'm not quite sure what I was planning , probably something about getting a new name , finding a job , and moving from there . I had no particular direction as to where I wanted to go . I looked at the mountains , pointed , and thought to myself , " That way . " I grabbed my bike , and started going . For about an hour of me biking towards the mountains , I felt … Free . Cecil was gone . My parents , gone . My worries , gone . I biked , and kept my water bottle in my hand , taking drinks from time to time . As soon as I reached the first hill to begin going up the mountain , I dropped my bike . But that wasn 't the only reason I dropped my bike . There he fucking was , standing there , smiling . " Goddammit , Cecil . " I said . I walked right past him . " Jeremy , please . Hear me out . You did kill part of me . " He said . " What are you talking about ? " I asked . " There was two of me , Jeremy . There was a happy side of me , and an angry side of me . My spirit was unhappy , probably because you were not able to save my father in the crash . My spirit was the angry side . The Cecil living inside of your brain means no harm whatsoever . You needn 't worry about anything . From here on out , I won 't demand you do things . I won 't take over you . I won 't fuck your girlfriend . " All of this was too hard to grasp . Cecil was still the little kid inside of my head . I " Hey , you have reached us , sorry we couldn 't get to the phone , please leave us a message and we will get back to you as soon as possible . " " Hello , it 's John again . I just wanted to tell you , Jeremy is having a really big fit . His girlfriend ( as you may call it ) visited just yesterday . He came in today , crying , telling me all about this dream he had of him coming out of this mental institution , and trying to live life happily with Alicia . I am not happy to tell you this , but I believe that we need to keep Jeremy here a bit longer . He is not ready to face the real world again just yet . " · Confusion ; Believing televisions and dreams are reality .

I worry sometimes that my children might think that I am a bit paranoid ( if they even know what that means ) . I admit that I wonder if they would be right . Being the mother of 3 little children ( the fourth will be here in less than 2 weeks ) , I worry about them often , if not always . I restrict them from doing things that other children do because I worry about their safety . I wonder if I am the over - protective mommy , or if the other mommies are not protective enough . I recently let my children start walking to school by themselves , they have been walking home since the beginning of the year . It is less than 1 / 4 mile away . I warned them incessantly of the dangers of not walking together . I drilled into their noggins that safety is in numbers . I told them that if someone stopped in a car to talk to them , don 't get close to the car , always stay on the sidewalk , act like you don 't hear him / her , and run the rest of the way to school . From everything I know about this city , it is a safe place to live and raise children . I just never know when that could change . A couple weeks ago , when I was walking out of work for the day , I got a phone call that I realized was from my children 's school . I answered it , expecting it to be one of the computer generated messages , so I just clicked the on button and waited . I didn 't hear anything , so I said hello . It was my daughter . She was telling me that her and my son were waiting for one of their friends after school . He got tired of waiting and went across the street , and then he disappeared . She wanted her aunt 's phone number to call and see if he was home . Well , I worked about 1 / 2 hour away . I gave her the phone number and told her to have her aunt call as soon as they hung up and let me know what was going on . I got a call within a couple minutes stating that my son had walked home by himself , he was tired of waiting . So , again that evening , we went over all the rules . They have done a fine job of walking to school together , there have been a few more instances of my daughter being left behind on the way home . Thankfully , it hasn 't happened in a while , and hopefully it won 't happen again . We live in a large apartment complex . There is always a car coming or leaving it seems . We have an apartment that faces a courtyard . The children are permitted to play in the courtyard with their friends . They are not permitted to play out front next to the parking lot . I just feel that it would make it way too convenient for someone to grab them and put them in their car . We watched a Dateline NBC show a few months ago about a 19 year - old BYU student that had gone home to Oregon and was helping out in an apartment complex that was grabbed in broad daylight from the parking lot where she was cleaning . This rule has caused many complaints among the two older children . They don 't think it is fair that their friends can play out front , but they can 't . When I catch them out front , they get to come in for the rest of the day . They don 't like that either . It has happened a few times . . . So , these are just a couple of the rules I have . I never wanted to be labeled an over - protective mommy , but I suppose that if this makes me one , I will live with the label . It would be nice to have a guarantee that every child would be safe in their surroundings , but it is just not something that anyone can guarantee . Children are so precious and so innocent . They seem to inherently trust anyone . I am so blessed with the children that I have and am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy . Well , knowing that my daughter will very likely be born within the next couple of weeks has put me into what many people refer to as the " nesting mode . " I sit here and realize that there is so much that has to be done . I need to set up the Pack ' N Play which arrived yesterday . First I need to admit I have to figure out where to set it up . We live in a three bedroom apartment . . . each room has 2 beds in it , except for mine , which has 2 big dressers , a night stand , a queen size bed and a stand which my husband 's brother made him . Needless to say , there isn 't much room in any of the bedrooms . She will end up in my room , I just need to do some redecorating first . The housework is the fun part ( very sarcastically spoken ) . I try to convince my children that cleaning IS NOT a punishment . We all have to participate because we all contribute to how the house looks on a daily basis . The older children like to think that my youngest is the only one that messes up the house . Once they get started on chores , it goes much better . The moments leading up to that are not so much fun . I guess I haven 't ever met a child that really looks forward to doing chores . Before we moved from NY , the children helped out really well . I need to propose the same reward I used to give them . They would get electronics ( computer , DS ) for the same amount of time that they cleaned . We would set the timer for 20 minutes , and if they cleaned that whole time , they would get to play the electronic of their choice for that long . If anyone else has a good suggestion on what has worked with their children and chore time , I am always open for ideas ! I have to admit the excitement of meeting our newest baby is really setting in . I look forward to seeing her and holding her . I have imagined what she will look like for months now . I wonder how big or little she will be , what color hair she will have , but I have to admit , I would be very surprised if she doesn 't have blue eyes at birth . My older two held on to the blue eyes until they were almost 2 yrs old , my youngest will be keeping his blue eyes , like his daddy . My children are also very excited about their baby sister arriving soon . We are not sure if she will be here next week or the following week . It depends how this rash is affecting me - - currently I itch like crazy , and if I don 't itch I feel like my stomach is on fire , or both at the same time . She could be here in a matter of 5 to 6 days , if things get better , she will be here no later than two weeks from today , as long as the amniocentesis shows that her lungs are mature . Well , I knew that things happen in threes , but I didn 't want to say it out loud , so I didn 't . Last week , when I got to work and it had been burglarized was when I started thinking about it , since hours before our sleepwalking neighbor had been trying to get into our apartment again . I figured that there was two down right there . I hoped that it would only be two things . Fast forward six to seven days . . . depending if the bad is when the car broke down or when the car shop called . Yesterday , I got a phone call at 4 : 15 pm . It was my husband telling me that the car ( 2004 Chevy Aveo ) stopped running and he was on the side of the road ( I - 15 ) . My mind started running . . . I told him it sounded like either the alternator or the timing belt . I asked him if he lost his power steering , he said he still had it when he was getting it to the side of the road . I knew that if it was the alternator , he would have lost all power . . . no power steering , no power brakes ( it has happened to me before ) . I knew those kinds of things just make a car stop wherever it is . I told him that we would be there shortly , he gave me very vague information about where he was , so I knew it would be interesting trying to find him . We got into the van and headed down to the freeway . I told the kids to watch across the freeway to see if they could see Daddy 's car . Of course , I was keeping an eye over there too . The phone rang , it was my husband . He had spoke to my dad who suggested that the fuel gauge may have gone out and he may have run out of gas , something that I had not thought of . So , once I saw him on the side of the road , about 8 miles from home , I told him I was going to buy a gas can and some gas . I think I can safely say that I have never bought a gas can , or filled one up . So , I found out that a 2 gallon gas can at Chevron costs $ 14 . 05 with tax , then I bought $ 6 worth of gas . I drove back to where my husband ( it was easy to find since the traffic was going at a snails pace looking at the little blue car with the cop car in front of it ) . We dumped the gas into the car and it wouldn 't start . I then got on the phone with AAA . My plan is in NY , so they said they had to transfer me to UT . As they did the transfer a tow truck pulled up in front of the car . I told Keith that it was fast service . Then I went and told the driver that I had AAA on the phone and asked if he was AAA approved . He advised me that he was . So , he called his dispatcher and told him what was going on , and started hooking up the car . I told the guy I got transferred to what was going on and he gave me the service number to give the tow truck driver and off we went . I followed Keith and the tow truck driver to the service station so we would know where it was at . Well , this morning I got a phone call informing me that it was not the fuel pump . It is the idler pulley that runs the timing belt broke , there is a 1 % chance that it didn 't damage valves . The fix would either be have them fix all of the above or get a used engine installed . When you hear those words , you know that it is not going to be a cheap , or even reasonable fix . The baby will be born within the next two weeks , so we have made the decision . . . we will be selling the car . I never liked the car anyway , but it is a good commuter car . I am glad that we went and picked up the van last month or we would have no vehicle . Yesterday , after we got back from having the car towed , I made pork stir fry . It was very good . I used a frozen bag of veggies , leftover pork from the night before and rice . Everyone added soy sauce . . . I added it for my youngest , because he seems to think that the rice should turn black with soy sauce , and then he doesn 't eat it because it doesn 't taste good . I would have to agree ! After supper , we loaded the kids into the van and headed off to the indoor playground so my sister could watch her show . It is really the only one that she cares about , so we thought that we could at least make sure it is quiet for that hour . I enjoy getting to watch the children run around and play . They enjoy the time getting to do that . I am so grateful that I am their mother . The kids have been in school for over a month now . It is hard to believe that it has been that long . They are doing well with what they are learning . My daughter still loves to read and my son still loves math . She doesn 't like math and he doesn 't like to read . It is funny how they can be so opposite in that way ! It is hard to believe that in a couple of weeks is parent / teacher conference . I look forward to meeting with teachers , but I am not sure if I will have the baby or be in the hospital or still pregnant . My husband may get to be in charge of that this quarter . Yesterday was a busy day . We took advantage of the Smithsonian Museum Day by going to Ogden 's Union Station Museums . There they have the Browning Museum , a train museum , and an antique car museum . It was quite interesting . My 3 year - old seemed very interested in the trains . They had model trains running on tracks that just fascinated him . He would probably still be standing there watching them if we hadn 't made him leave . My daughter also seemed most interested in the trains , but not to the same extent as my son . The gold spike from Pomentary Point arrived at the train museum on Mar 8th of this year . I had no idea what it is , but my husband seemed most excited about it . I guess it was the last spike used for the continental railroad . The antique car museum had the first registered vehicle in Utah . It didn 't even have a steering wheel . It had a bar that you would move from one side to the other in order to steer the vehicle . I guess they didn 't want to make it a lot different than driving a horse carriage . My husband and older son seemed most fascinated with the Browning Museum . I have to admit , the only museums I have ever really like had dinosaur bones in them . I have never been really interested in museums and those sorts of things . I went along just to enjoy the time with my family . After the museums , there was the Harvest Moon Festival down the street so we walked over there to see what it consisted of . They had a lot of things for children to do and it was free . They gave the children little pumpkins to draw on . The children got to " fish . " They had to throw the line over a curtain and they each ended up with a lollipop on the end of the rope . They got to dig through sawdust to find little prizes . They enjoyed every moment of it . Before we went to the museums , we went to Costco and had lunch . I bought the kids each a hot dog and my sister and I a sausage dog . I also bought 2 berry frozen yogurts and 2 chocolate dipped almond ice cream bars . It was good food . My kids ate half of their hot dogs and then started on ice cream . I have decided that I should probably just buy 2 hotdogs and cut them in half . The hotdogs are pretty big for a little child . After spending a few hours in Ogden we headed back to our city and let the children play at an indoor playground for an hour . By that time , the children were pretty worn out and ready to come home . Upon arrival at home , I had my husband talk to the mainenance department about what kind of hose we need to hook the dryer up to the vent thing . One of the maintenance men came over , took a look , went back to his shop , grabbed the hose and hooked it up for us . I thought that was incredibly nice of him . I will always have a spot in my heart for maintenance men as that is what my dad did during his working years . I told my husband that it seems that people in that profession are generally giving people . Perhaps it is because my dad would do anything for any one and I know that . To end the day , my sister and I went and did grocery shopping . Upon arriving at the store , we saw that they were doing flu shots there . So , before starting our shopping expedition , we both got our flu shots . My doctor had said the sooner the better for the flu shot , so the baby could start getting immunity to the flu as well . I thought I should take that advice . She won 't be able to get a flu shot until she is 6 months old , and she still has 18 days left inside me , anything I can do to keep her healthy this flu season , I am willing to do . Now I just need to set up an appointment for my children to get their flu shots . They really don 't look forward to that , but I always bring them for out for ice cream afterward . This week has been a little crazy ! My laptop was at the warranty doctor , we got it back yesterday . It is working good after finding out that the charger I was using didn 't work , so it was the charger , not the computer . That is good news . . . This week I worked Tuesday through Friday . It was a good , but very busy , week at work . I am thankful that I work with a great bunch of people . I am generally the first person to work , so when I walk in to the office all the lights come on . Wednesday morning , this was not the case . I walked through the back door of my office building . I could see in the distance that the front door of the building was broken . I thought perhaps it had a stress fracture and finally broke during the night . I took a deep breath and took a few more steps to check things out . I noticed that the office lights were on . I saw one of the office windows was broken . Needless to say , I turned around , and walked back out the same door I came in . One of the co - workers pulled into the parking lot so I told her what was going on , then called 911 . My co - worker and I walked to the front of the building to meet the officer when he arrived . We kept an eye on the backdoor , which can be seen from the front door , to make sure none of our co - workers tried to go in . The officer arrived about 10 minutes after I called . He saw all the broken glass and said he was calling for backup . Within a matter of minutes , there were 4 other officers at the building . We told them what we knew , which was the office lights are motion activated , and that I am generally the first one in the office , when I am there . They had us stand to the side on the front sidewalk in case someone came running out , and they went in through all the broken windows and doors . I gave them my badge to get into the office . We watched them clear the building hallway , with guns drawn , and then progress into the office . After several minutes of them being in there , they came out and told us that one of our coworkers were in there and it was safe to go in . So , we went in , walked through the broken glass on the floor , and found another fellow worker . She explained that she could see something , but it was so dark that she didn 't realize it was broken glass . She went in and started to work . She said that she was busy at work when she turned around to have officers with guns pointed at her . She explained that she worked there and didn 't notice anything was wrong . It took me a good couple of hours to recover from what I had walked into that morning . I am grateful that the person was gone by the time I got to work and no one was injured . The person took a laptop from the office , but that is all . The cameras showed that it happened around 5 : 15 am and the person was in and out within 1 1 / 2 minutes . Didn 't take him too long to get something and get out . I arrived at work an hour later . Tuesday night / Wednesday morning . . . about 6 hours before arriving to work , our sleepwalking friend started to try to come into the apartment again . This is the second time he has done this . It is always a little unnerving . We know the fellow now , but since he was sleepwalking , I didn 't dare to let any of us open the door . You never know how someone will react . We yelled through the door a few times and then he left . He came back about 10 minutes later and finally I yelled to him which apartment to go to , and he must have listened because he didn 't come back . It was a crazy few hours ! Tuesday my little sisters turned 36 . It was a long day and I felt bad that I wasn 't able to do anything with my sister that lives with me . I worked from 6 : 15 - 3 : 45 , I had a doctor 's appointment at 4 : 45 , didn 't leave til 6 , then had to stop and buy stuff to make supper . We arrived home at 6 : 40 , I threw supper together , and brought the kids outside to eat . She wanted to be able to watch NCIS , so we wanted to let her do that without any noise from the kids . We ate outside , then went and fed the ducks , then went on a little walk and let the kids play at the playground . We came home at 8 , and I proceeded to make her birthday cupcakes . We had cupcakes at about 9 that night . I was exhausted because I had been up since 4 am , so I ate my cupcake with some ice cream and went to sleep . On Thursday , my mom had her birthday . I called her at about 8 am her time , which made it 6 am my time . I guess it can startle a mother when her 35 1 / 2 week pregnant calls her that early . I assured her I was on my way to work and was only calling to say Happy Birthday . She was happy to hear that . She said that 65 feels great and I should look forward to it . We agree that we have had a lot of fun . It was interesting to see that she has a 40 year - old and a 28 year - old , and several in - between . I will have a 36 year - old and a 27 year - old at that age , with a couple in - between . The baby is doing fine . We are thinking that she will be delivered on Oct 13 , in the evening , if the amniocentesis shows that her lungs are fully functioning . My children usually come that early anyway , so I am sure she will be fine . I am excited to meet the little one . Today we are trying to figure out what we will be doing . We may go to a museum or a fun center . Either way , I hope to end up with a Costco sausage dog and an ice cream bar . We are hoping to get our dryer hooked up as well . We need to figure out what kind of dryer vent hose we need to get , the aluminum one was too long . We shall see ! On Friday night , we brought my sister out to dinner in Logan . I had seen that morning that they had opened a restaurant up there that we used to frequent in college . To say we were a little excited would not do it justice . Her birthday is tomorrow , so this would be her birthday dinner / gift . Although the breadsticks had changed , Craigo 's had the absolute best breadsticks in the country , the food was delicious , and priced very affordably . The restaurant is called the Pizza Pie Cafe , for the dinner buffet for adults , it is $ 8 . 25 and includes pasta , pizza , breadsticks , dessert pizza and salad bar . It was great food . At a table close by , there was a young couple with a 6 month - old baby boy . When my 3 year - old saw the baby , he pointed my head in that direction and said , " Look Mommy , their baby popped out ! " I couldn 't help but laugh . He has sat on my stomach and pushed on my stomach , telling me he is going to pop the baby out . He is more than excited to meet his baby sister , and I imagine he is a little envious of everyone that has actually had their baby " pop out . " On a side note , my two older children walked to school today with some of their friends . This is the first time they have walked by themselves , without someone from our family . It is hard to believe that they are to that age when they can be independent enough to walk . I feel there is safety in numbers . I also feel we live in a safe place . They know all the rules and I have to trust that they will follow them . They are responsible children , as are their friends . at We have decided that we are going to give cloth diapers a go with this little one . She will be here in about 3 weeks , less than four weeks maximum . We are excited for her grand entrance into this world . After weighing the costs of everything , and a lot of research , it looks like cloth diapers are going to be the way we go . They have certainly come a long way since I babysat a couple kids when I was 10 and they were both in diapers . Cloth diapers , nonetheless , and they were made out of long , white pieces of cloth that I had to rinse in the toilet ( trying not to puke my guts out ) . We then decided that we should buy a washer and dryer . We got online and found the website for the local classified ads and started calling people that had washers and dryers listed for sale in the classified ads . All of the people had sold theirs . At the bottom of the page , I saw one that was listed 33 minutes before . I had my husband call , she still had them ! We told her we would be there quickly . We stopped and picked up the money and rushed over . Thankfully , the dryer was electric as well . We were super happy . They look in great condition . They also had a dining room table and chairs for sale . So we bought those also . We had been using a card table for our dinner table . The first meal we ate at the new table was hamburgers with tater tots . It was good food . We need to grab some washers for the washer connection to the water faucet . We have to get a tube to vent the dryer and then I think we will be up and running . Sure beats hauling the laundry to the laundry room as I discussed last week . Here is to hoping for many years out of our used washer and dryer ! This has been a busy , productive week . The kids are doing great in school . I put in 38 . 25 hours of work in 4 days . My laptop was sent away to the warranty doctor . It will not hold a charge and if the plug didn 't have precise placement , the laptop would go off without any warning , due to not holding a charge . So , it shipped away on Tuesday . My oldest got his tooth pulled on Monday . He did very well , until we left the dentist office . By the time we got home , which was less than a mile away , he was crying in pain . It was painful for me to watch and not be able to do anything . I had given him his pain medication before we went so that it would kick in by the time the tooth was pulled . The crying and pain seemed to last forever , but in reality it was probably only an hour . By the time the dentist office called and said I could also give him Motrin , and I left to buy it and come back , he was a lot better . He didn 't even want the medicine . I was happy . His mouth bled for about 2 hours and I think I went through at least 15 gauze pads . Thank goodness for gauze ! He ate bananas and ice cream for the rest of the day . I went to the doctor on Tuesday . The non - stress test on the baby looked good . When I saw the perinatologist , they determined that they will do an amniocentesis in 3 weeks to determine if the baby 's lungs are fully functioning . It will then be decided when she will be delivered . I look forward to meeting the little one ! I want her to be full - term though , so past 37 weeks . We went on a walk Tuesday night and brought Cheerios to feed the geese , ducks and swans . The geese and ducks loved the Cheerios , the swan was too busy grooming herself to even know we were there . She cleaned herself the whole time we were watching her . We all got a kick out of watching how she did . You would never imagine how well a swan can clean itself until you see it happen . That long neck makes it possible to get very clean . Last night , my sister and I went grocery shopping . We got enough food for a week , what a wonderful feeling ! I had been going daily for a few days , and it gets expensive . . . especially since I think I should replenish the ice cream regularly . I hate going grocery shopping , but I hadn 't had enough time to make up a menu and figure out what to buy . We went to feed the ducks that live here last night and there was none to be found . I wonder where they have wandered off too , or if it was just too late . It was more dark than dusk , so they may have went to wherever they sleep for the night . I haven 't figured that out yet . Today , my sister , my youngest and I rode the train down to Salt Lake . She met with my supervisor so she can start work soon . My supervisor wanted to meet my youngest son . It was so cute how they interacted together . I had made brownies to bring down for the co - workers and he insisted that he was starving , so he was eating one when we walked in . He got to meet my co - workers , I had told him that they are my friends that I hang out with when I am not at home . When my sister was speaking with my supervisor , we went outside and walked around . He did quite well on the train , but he didn 't seem as impressed with it as I imagined . I hope all of you have had a wonderful week ! It was a beautiful California morning , I woke up about 8 am , oblivious to what had been happening 3000 miles away in the state I had left a mere 3 1 / 2 months before . I was married 4 days before and very happily in the honeymoon phase . My husband and I were renting a room from a wonderful woman that is now a dear friend . She was crying and I wasn 't sure what had happened . I asked her what happened , if there was anything that she needed , anything I could do . She then filled me in on everything that was happening in our country . She told me that airplanes had run into the World Trade Center , the Pentagon and one had crashed in Pennsylvania . I have to admit that it took what seemed like a minute or two to digest what I was being told . Tears welled up in my eyes . I stood there in disbelief , disbelief that this could happen to US , to our people , on our soil . Disbelief that some people could be so hateful , so evil , that they would take so many innocent lives . I had dated a man that lived in New York City . I stood on the observation deck of one of those Towers in October of 98 . It was a magnificent view , you could see for miles upon miles , at every angle . To this day , it stuns me at how quickly they crumbled to the ground . I wondered what would be next , if there was anywhere safe to be . I lived much closer to a big city than I had in a long time . I was living within a few miles of Sacramento , the capitol of California . How safe could I be ? This was my next thought . My husband was taking a Political Science class at a local college . It started about an hour after we woke up . I had him call his school to find out if there were still going to be classes . To my surprise , he did still have class . So , I kissed him goodbye and he headed off . I turned on the radio , we didn 't have television service . In fact , I didn 't see any footage until 2 days later , when I went to the gym . Until then , the news I got was from the radio . I heard the audio footage of people screaming and running . I heard them telling us that all planes were grounded because we didn 't know how many had been or would be hijacked . I heard people sobbing , wondering where and how missing family members were . I heard about local blood drives , emergency blood drives , to get blood to people that were going to need it . This was something I could do , to help from thousands of miles away . I had donated blood in the past , I wanted to do something , and this is what I could do . I heard a location on a street that I knew , so I headed there . The line was backed up , it would be a few hours before I could donate , if it would be that day at all . I made an appointment to come back the next day . My parents and my sister were still traveling home from my wedding . They had a cell phone . I had tried to get in contact with them for hours . If anyone remembers , cell service didn 't work very well that day . I can understand why , everyone trying to make sure their loved ones were accounted for . When I finally got through , they were really close to Chicago , IL . When my parents travel , they don 't listen to the radio . They talk and enjoy the scenery and the drive . Sometimes the radio will come on , but it is usually later in the day , but it hadn 't been on at all that day . I told them what was going on . I could hear the disbelief and shock in the voices as Mom told my dad and sister . We hung up and they continued their drive . The next day when they had to return their rental car , it wasn 't an easy task . Since they had rented it from an airport and the airports were closed . I guess that it took a while to figure out what they should do with this car . It did get taken care of . When I finally saw television footage of the events , there were things on the TV that I would have never imagined . People jumping from buildings , dust clouds chasing people as they were running away from the falling buildings , bloody people helping other bloody people . So many images , so many terrible images , that had to be shown . I don 't know that there would be any other way to report such a horrific event . We need to remember that day , we need to remember how much we love our country . All the flags that were waving in our front yards , the flags we bought and hung from our car windows , the t - shirts we bought with flags on them . The comraderie we felt as a nation . The togetherness , neighbor helping neighbor , neighbor speaking to neighbor , there was genuine love between people . . . regardless of political view , religious background , race . Ten years later . . . I am still married to that husband . The honeymoon phase is over , reality has set in as far as that goes . We are expecting baby number four . Life is good , but like everyone else 's it is not perfect . We drove home from work on Friday . It would be the last day of the weekday talk radio . My husband enjoys talk radio . He listens to Rod Arquette after work on his way home . Friday he was remember 9 / 11 . I listened , tears rolling down my face . . . I hid it from my husband . I 'm not sure why I didn 't want him to know I was crying . As a mother now , hearing the terrible sounds of people crying out for their loved ones , people in so much pain , hearing the reports of the Towers being hit , falling down , absolutely broke my heart . Perhaps as a mother , I was understanding the pain of all the mothers that lost children they loved more than life that day . Perhaps as a wife , understanding how she woke up and kissed her husband goodbye , knowing fully well that he would be home that evening , and he would never again walk through their door . The tears flowed , like they never had before , remembering that day . This morning I woke up , I made pancakes ( plain and banana ) for my family . I told my children about the events of ten years ago . I turned on the television to see some of the coverage . I listened to names being read . The names of peoples ' loved ones , mothers , fathers , husbands , wives , sisters , brothers , best friends . I heard a mother talk about her son . I didn 't catch the whole thing , but I know how very proud she is of him , how much he is missed and how much he is loved . We must remember the troops , the many men and women , who signed up to serve our country . The people that have signed up before 9 / 11 / 01 and those that have signed up after . The troops who have given their lives to protect our freedom . We must support those men and women . We must remember the firefighters , police officers , and other first responders , that went running into the buildings that day while others were running out . The ones that died doing what they believe in , trying to save the lives of others . We must remember the men and women that survived that day . If anything , I would imagine that all the people that died that day , and the ones that have died fighting the battles of that day , would want us to love each other . Treat each other like we did those days , weeks and months after 9 / 11 . They would want us to be a charitable nation . They would want us to raise each other up , instead of pushing each other down . They would want us to focus on service , being selfless , instead of being selfish . Let 's remember the people on the flight that went down in Pennsylvania , they acted selflessly , knowing that their plane was probably going to take the lives of other innocent victims , took control and ran into the ground instead of another building . Let 's remember that we have our lives today , we don 't know what will come tomorrow . Let 's try to smile at someone that may need a smile in their lives . Let 's be a friend to someone who could use a friend . Let 's just remember that life is unpredictable and treat people like it may be the last time we may ever see them . . . and hope and pray it isn 't . No blog last night . . . I was really tired and the kids were sleeping by 9 pm , all of them . The youngest had fallen asleep around 8 pm . I didn 't realize how tired I was , until I looked at the clock and it was a little after 9 , and then I woke up at 10 : 45 pm . It had been a long week , the trip home on Monday was exhausting , and then putting in 40 hours of work over the next 4 days . I just needed to sleep and I wasn 't going to fight it . When I woke up at 10 : 45 pm , I turned on the television , expecting to put on something boring so that I could go back to sleep quickly . The complete opposite occured . I turned it on and David Letterman was on my screen , but in a completely distorted view . I kept looking at it for several seconds , tried to turn up the volume to see what was going on , and then tried to flip the channel . The sound didn 't go up , but the channel did change . It was a Spanish channel , but still completed distorted . The screen then started flickering , with a rainbow looking flash in the middle . This all happened within a minute of turning on the televison . I turned off the television , and in all my wisdom , turned it back on . I thought it was just a momentary problem that would correct itself . I was sadly mistaken . There was no picture , except for the flickering , rainbow thing in middle of the set . Then I started to smell smoke . . . the scent of an electric problem radiating from my television . I turned it back off and unplugged it . Then I posted a note and hung it front of the television stating not to plug it in , that it was ruined and smoking . Just in case one of the kids wanted to watch TV this morning and I didn 't notice . I had many strange dreams about televisions once I fell back to sleep . It is odd how those kinds of things can cause the subconscious to unleash . I don 't know that I have ever actually dreamed about a television , until last night , when I must have dreamed at least 5 different times about different television scenarios . When I woke up this morning , I went and got our older television out of m8 : 14 AM When we got home from Washington on Monday night , I had my children get ready for school . I always have them show me what they are wearing , down to the underwear , socks and shoes . I don 't want to leave anything up in the air for their Aunt to have to worry about as she tries to get them off school . My daughter brought me everything except for shoes . I asked her where her shoes were . That is when she started to cry . I knew this wasn 't a good thing ; it was obvious they weren 't tears of joy . She started to explain to me that she left them outside when we left for our trip the previous Friday . I have to admit , I was annoyed . I had her go and look for them , she brought her aunt . They were not where she left them . I told her that probably one of her friends brought them inside for her . She cried and cried . She explained to her dad that they are special shoes , that her Uncle Bob bought for her . She wanted " tie shoes , " not velcro . Her other sneakers are velcro . I told her to pray for them and that I would too . Tuesday rolled around , I had her ask friends if they had put her shoes in their houses . None of them had . We continued to pray , no one wants to lose their special shoes ! Wednesday , after my date with my husband , I saw that her shoes were in the corner . I was really happy for her and so was she . I asked if one of her friends had them , she said no , that they were outside . I was just happy that she had them back and for the answer to the prayers . As I mentioned yesterday , my oldest son has an abscess tooth . I was sure that it was just a cavity , until he was up off and on from 1 to 4 : 30 am Wednesday morning . Something told me at 4 : 30 am that he had an abscess and that I had to get him to the dentist . I tried to figure out who our dental insurance is through . No one could answer that question at that time of the day , just a whole lot of digital voices answering phones and asking you to say something or the other or press something or the other . I finally got through to a live person at 6 am , on the way to work , and founWell , football season has begun and the first game just got over . I didn 't think it would be such a high scoring game . I am a Buffalo Bills fan and a San Diego Chargers fan . I love football and always look forward to the season . Sundays has always involved watching games . Finally , there will be something good to watch on Sunday again ! Today my husband and I celebrated ten years together . We woke up a little after 5 am , got ready for work , and drove the 30 minute commute together . He dropped me off in front of my workplace and continued on to his . We didn 't speak again til about 3 : 40 pm , when he called to see if I was already home or if I needed a ride . I needed a ride . He came and picked me up and we headed off to doctor 's appointments . I had a fetal non - stress test and then saw my midwife . The baby looks fine , which is always good news . We then headed to a local buffet in town which makes the best scones around . I ate more than I should have , the food was good . We arrived back at the house a little before 7 : 30 pm . My sister was kind enough to watch the children even after work hours so my husband and I could go to the appointments and out to eat . Ten years ago today was a very exciting day . My sister and I went and got our hair done and manicures and pedicures . She was my maid of honor . We had to go buy shoes ( you never remember everything ) also . My parents and my sister drove from NY to be at our wedding in Reno NV . We decided to get married on September 7 , but the date was chosen on September 4 . That gave them 3 days to get there , they arrived on September 6 . We hung out in Reno that night . My older brother , my grandfather , and my aunt and uncle , as well as a dear friend who I was renting a room from were also there . My husband 's grandmother , his parents , brother and sister , and his best friend were in attendance . It was a wonderful turn out for short notice . I have never really been one to want to be the center of attention so it worked out well for me . We were married at a wedding chapel in Reno , NV . My grandfather 's sister , Mary Jane , let us use her house for the reception afterward . My grandfather had made and decorated the cake . I am so thankful that I met such a wonderful man 10 years and 4 months ago . Yes , it was a short engagement , before we were married , but when you know it is the right person , you just know . Life has been good to us . We have been blessed with 3 healthy children who love our Heavenly Father and love us . They treat each other well . We have our little one on the way , who had good reports at the appointments today . I am so thankful for everyday I have with him and with my family . I have truly been blessed . This past weekend , my kids , my husband , my sister and I went on a little trip to see my big brother , his wife and kids . We left on Friday when my husband got home from work . We had a couple little setback , so we didn 't head out exactly when planned , but we did pretty good . I had my oldest son bring the snacks ( in a little plastic grocery bag ) to the van so we would have some things to munch on , as needed . This was the first setback . He thought it was trash and ran it right to the dumpster and tossed that in . . . as well as the Nintendo DS he was holding . So , the plastic bag was easy to retrieve , it was right at the top of everything since it had just been deposited . The DS , not so easy to retrieve . It took a good 15 minutes or so . First I tried holding his legs because he would be able to reach it , but he didn 't trust me enough to not let him fall in . It got knocked down further . I went to see if we could borrow someone 's long grabber thing , but by the time I found someone that would bring it over , my husband had helped my son get the DS . The trip would not go so well knowing that the DS was being served to the landfill . The other setback was that my husband couldn 't find any of his hats . That took a little while to solve also and then we hit the road . We drove for 8 hours that night and ended up in a little hotel room with beds that were too soft . My back enjoys firm beds , and seems to enjoy them even more when 33 weeks pregnant . We finally all fell to sleep and slept well til the morning . My daughter didn 't even remember my youngest son falling out of bed and landing on top of her . That is what woke me up at 6 am for the rest of the day . We headed out by a little after 7 am and were to my brother 's house by 9 : 45 am . The hotel had a free continental breakfast . It wasn 't very impressive which caused my oldest son to announce that it was a 1 star hotel . He gives things stars based on the food that is served . . . buffets always get 5 stars . I was humiliated , but that is how we learn . When we arrived at my brother 's house , we didn 't see a vehicle there , so my husband and kids went out back . Their cousins were very happy to see them in their backyard . My oldest nephew is old enough to watch the kids ( which I often forget , where does time go anyway ? ! ) so I didn 't even think they would be home . My sister - in - law and brother arrived home shortly thereafter . My brother had to bring the boy scouts to an archery range to earn a badge or something and my sister - in - law was running a quick errand . That day the kids played outside for hours . This is the second time they have been together in 4 months . They love having time to be together . We had tuna fish sandwiches for lunch . My brother and husband brought the older kids to the archery range where they got to learn the rules of the range and got to shoot some arrows . I guess my daughter was a really good shot from 10 yards away . My nephew watched the kids later that evening while we went out to Mongolian Barbecue . I had never had it until I was visiting them in May . It is a very impressive dinner and it is interesting to see them cooking it on the grill . On Sunday , my sister - in - law made pancakes with bacon . It was a delicious breakfast . I ate more than I should have , but I enjoyed every bite of it . We had church from 11 - 2 pm and then went to the Temple to walk around and get pictures afterward . Upon arrival back at the house , we had leftover Mongolian Barbecue for lunch . We sat around and talked for hours while the children played outside . I made a mistake and took a nap , a long nap , and ended up staying up til 1 am ( Pacific time ) , which is 2 am my time . That was not a good thing . When I woke up it was time to start thinking about dinner . My brother grilled steak and squash on his grill . My sister - in - law made French fries and corn on the cob inside . It was an amazing dinner ! Then came out my sister 's surprise birthday cake . It was made at Costco , chocolate cake , 4 layers with chocolate chunks around the outside and fudge between the layers . If it weren 't so rich , I think I would have eaten the whole thing . She was very surprised . My sister - in - law and I stayed up talking until 1 am . The children went to sleep around 10 and it was very nice to get to visit without noise for a while . I think my brother , sister and husband all fell to sleep around 11 . I planned to leave by 7 their time , but it was a little after 8 am when we finally left . I woke up at 6 : 50 am officially . My son woke me up an hour before to get medicine for a toothache . I had a piece of that cake for breakfast ( it is so yummy ! ) . We kissed everyone goodbye and jumped in the van . I drove the whole way home , we got here about 8 : 30 pm . There were a few stops on the way . . . potty breaks , a stop at the Boise Mall for something my sister has wanted forever , to buy gas and to grab food and keep going . It was a longer trip home than previously , but it was well worth the trip to get to see the family . Is it just me , or has being a mommy ( or any adult around children a lot ) changed anyone else 's television viewing habits ? I used to be one that would watch Days of our Lives daily . I started watching it in college and finished watching it the day my youngest son was born . So , I watched it for a good 11 to 12 years . Yes , I would miss episodes , but I could turn on the television and figure out whatever it was that I missed prior . I used to watch the night - time lineups , the shows that wouldn 't be appropriate for children to watch because of the adult content . In college , I don 't think I missed a single episode of Friends . Now , I can 't even tell you what shows are on what nights . Although , I have to admit , I do watch Biggest Loser , and my sister got me watching Bones and NCIS during the final couple weeks of last season . I will probably watch these when they start the new season . I am also a huge sport 's fan . I will put it on ESPN to watch whatever is on , or whatever NFL , NBA , or MLB game is on . Since having children , I have tuned into Nickelodeon , Disney , PBS Kids , and Cartoon Network ( CN has only been recently for Looney Tunes , Tom and Jerry , and Johnny Test , for the most part ) . I never had any desire to know about SpongeBob SquarePants , The Fairly OddParents , Phineas and Ferb , Ni - Hao Kailan , etc . Those are just a few of the shows that are favorites among my children . I never envisioned myself as actually sitting down and watching these shows and enjoying them . I have even noticed that some of the episodes I will continue to watch , even if the children leave the room . I enjoy having my children sitting around me as we watch cartoons . There is nothing like hearing them laugh at the funny parts . Hearing them laugh makes me laugh even if something wasn 't funny to me . It is amazing how hearing the laughter of a child can change your whole day ! It is fun to hear them discussing the cartoons with each other . They discuss aspects of the shows I would have never even thought about again . at I am a wife , mother , daughter and sister . These are the most important roles in my life . I enjoy blogging about my family and about my training for races . The training blog helps keep me motivated .

I worry sometimes that my children might think that I am a bit paranoid ( if they even know what that means ) . I admit that I wonder if they would be right . Being the mother of 3 little children ( the fourth will be here in less than 2 weeks ) , I worry about them often , if not always . I restrict them from doing things that other children do because I worry about their safety . I wonder if I am the over - protective mommy , or if the other mommies are not protective enough . I recently let my children start walking to school by themselves , they have been walking home since the beginning of the year . It is less than 1 / 4 mile away . I warned them incessantly of the dangers of not walking together . I drilled into their noggins that safety is in numbers . I told them that if someone stopped in a car to talk to them , don 't get close to the car , always stay on the sidewalk , act like you don 't hear him / her , and run the rest of the way to school . From everything I know about this city , it is a safe place to live and raise children . I just never know when that could change . A couple weeks ago , when I was walking out of work for the day , I got a phone call that I realized was from my children 's school . I answered it , expecting it to be one of the computer generated messages , so I just clicked the on button and waited . I didn 't hear anything , so I said hello . It was my daughter . She was telling me that her and my son were waiting for one of their friends after school . He got tired of waiting and went across the street , and then he disappeared . She wanted her aunt 's phone number to call and see if he was home . Well , I worked about 1 / 2 hour away . I gave her the phone number and told her to have her aunt call as soon as they hung up and let me know what was going on . I got a call within a couple minutes stating that my son had walked home by himself , he was tired of waiting . So , again that evening , we went over all the rules . They have done a fine job of walking to school together , there have been a few more instances of my daughter being left behind on the way home . Thankfully , it hasn 't happened in a while , and hopefully it won 't happen again . We live in a large apartment complex . There is always a car coming or leaving it seems . We have an apartment that faces a courtyard . The children are permitted to play in the courtyard with their friends . They are not permitted to play out front next to the parking lot . I just feel that it would make it way too convenient for someone to grab them and put them in their car . We watched a Dateline NBC show a few months ago about a 19 year - old BYU student that had gone home to Oregon and was helping out in an apartment complex that was grabbed in broad daylight from the parking lot where she was cleaning . This rule has caused many complaints among the two older children . They don 't think it is fair that their friends can play out front , but they can 't . When I catch them out front , they get to come in for the rest of the day . They don 't like that either . It has happened a few times . . . So , these are just a couple of the rules I have . I never wanted to be labeled an over - protective mommy , but I suppose that if this makes me one , I will live with the label . It would be nice to have a guarantee that every child would be safe in their surroundings , but it is just not something that anyone can guarantee . Children are so precious and so innocent . They seem to inherently trust anyone . I am so blessed with the children that I have and am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy . Well , knowing that my daughter will very likely be born within the next couple of weeks has put me into what many people refer to as the " nesting mode . " I sit here and realize that there is so much that has to be done . I need to set up the Pack ' N Play which arrived yesterday . First I need to admit I have to figure out where to set it up . We live in a three bedroom apartment . . . each room has 2 beds in it , except for mine , which has 2 big dressers , a night stand , a queen size bed and a stand which my husband 's brother made him . Needless to say , there isn 't much room in any of the bedrooms . She will end up in my room , I just need to do some redecorating first . The housework is the fun part ( very sarcastically spoken ) . I try to convince my children that cleaning IS NOT a punishment . We all have to participate because we all contribute to how the house looks on a daily basis . The older children like to think that my youngest is the only one that messes up the house . Once they get started on chores , it goes much better . The moments leading up to that are not so much fun . I guess I haven 't ever met a child that really looks forward to doing chores . Before we moved from NY , the children helped out really well . I need to propose the same reward I used to give them . They would get electronics ( computer , DS ) for the same amount of time that they cleaned . We would set the timer for 20 minutes , and if they cleaned that whole time , they would get to play the electronic of their choice for that long . If anyone else has a good suggestion on what has worked with their children and chore time , I am always open for ideas ! I have to admit the excitement of meeting our newest baby is really setting in . I look forward to seeing her and holding her . I have imagined what she will look like for months now . I wonder how big or little she will be , what color hair she will have , but I have to admit , I would be very surprised if she doesn 't have blue eyes at birth . My older two held on to the blue eyes until they were almost 2 yrs old , my youngest will be keeping his blue eyes , like his daddy . My children are also very excited about their baby sister arriving soon . We are not sure if she will be here next week or the following week . It depends how this rash is affecting me - - currently I itch like crazy , and if I don 't itch I feel like my stomach is on fire , or both at the same time . She could be here in a matter of 5 to 6 days , if things get better , she will be here no later than two weeks from today , as long as the amniocentesis shows that her lungs are mature . Well , I knew that things happen in threes , but I didn 't want to say it out loud , so I didn 't . Last week , when I got to work and it had been burglarized was when I started thinking about it , since hours before our sleepwalking neighbor had been trying to get into our apartment again . I figured that there was two down right there . I hoped that it would only be two things . Fast forward six to seven days . . . depending if the bad is when the car broke down or when the car shop called . Yesterday , I got a phone call at 4 : 15 pm . It was my husband telling me that the car ( 2004 Chevy Aveo ) stopped running and he was on the side of the road ( I - 15 ) . My mind started running . . . I told him it sounded like either the alternator or the timing belt . I asked him if he lost his power steering , he said he still had it when he was getting it to the side of the road . I knew that if it was the alternator , he would have lost all power . . . no power steering , no power brakes ( it has happened to me before ) . I knew those kinds of things just make a car stop wherever it is . I told him that we would be there shortly , he gave me very vague information about where he was , so I knew it would be interesting trying to find him . We got into the van and headed down to the freeway . I told the kids to watch across the freeway to see if they could see Daddy 's car . Of course , I was keeping an eye over there too . The phone rang , it was my husband . He had spoke to my dad who suggested that the fuel gauge may have gone out and he may have run out of gas , something that I had not thought of . So , once I saw him on the side of the road , about 8 miles from home , I told him I was going to buy a gas can and some gas . I think I can safely say that I have never bought a gas can , or filled one up . So , I found out that a 2 gallon gas can at Chevron costs $ 14 . 05 with tax , then I bought $ 6 worth of gas . I drove back to where my husband ( it was easy to find since the traffic was going at a snails pace looking at the little blue car with the cop car in front of it ) . We dumped the gas into the car and it wouldn 't start . I then got on the phone with AAA . My plan is in NY , so they said they had to transfer me to UT . As they did the transfer a tow truck pulled up in front of the car . I told Keith that it was fast service . Then I went and told the driver that I had AAA on the phone and asked if he was AAA approved . He advised me that he was . So , he called his dispatcher and told him what was going on , and started hooking up the car . I told the guy I got transferred to what was going on and he gave me the service number to give the tow truck driver and off we went . I followed Keith and the tow truck driver to the service station so we would know where it was at . Well , this morning I got a phone call informing me that it was not the fuel pump . It is the idler pulley that runs the timing belt broke , there is a 1 % chance that it didn 't damage valves . The fix would either be have them fix all of the above or get a used engine installed . When you hear those words , you know that it is not going to be a cheap , or even reasonable fix . The baby will be born within the next two weeks , so we have made the decision . . . we will be selling the car . I never liked the car anyway , but it is a good commuter car . I am glad that we went and picked up the van last month or we would have no vehicle . Yesterday , after we got back from having the car towed , I made pork stir fry . It was very good . I used a frozen bag of veggies , leftover pork from the night before and rice . Everyone added soy sauce . . . I added it for my youngest , because he seems to think that the rice should turn black with soy sauce , and then he doesn 't eat it because it doesn 't taste good . I would have to agree ! After supper , we loaded the kids into the van and headed off to the indoor playground so my sister could watch her show . It is really the only one that she cares about , so we thought that we could at least make sure it is quiet for that hour . I enjoy getting to watch the children run around and play . They enjoy the time getting to do that . I am so grateful that I am their mother . The kids have been in school for over a month now . It is hard to believe that it has been that long . They are doing well with what they are learning . My daughter still loves to read and my son still loves math . She doesn 't like math and he doesn 't like to read . It is funny how they can be so opposite in that way ! It is hard to believe that in a couple of weeks is parent / teacher conference . I look forward to meeting with teachers , but I am not sure if I will have the baby or be in the hospital or still pregnant . My husband may get to be in charge of that this quarter . Yesterday was a busy day . We took advantage of the Smithsonian Museum Day by going to Ogden 's Union Station Museums . There they have the Browning Museum , a train museum , and an antique car museum . It was quite interesting . My 3 year - old seemed very interested in the trains . They had model trains running on tracks that just fascinated him . He would probably still be standing there watching them if we hadn 't made him leave . My daughter also seemed most interested in the trains , but not to the same extent as my son . The gold spike from Pomentary Point arrived at the train museum on Mar 8th of this year . I had no idea what it is , but my husband seemed most excited about it . I guess it was the last spike used for the continental railroad . The antique car museum had the first registered vehicle in Utah . It didn 't even have a steering wheel . It had a bar that you would move from one side to the other in order to steer the vehicle . I guess they didn 't want to make it a lot different than driving a horse carriage . My husband and older son seemed most fascinated with the Browning Museum . I have to admit , the only museums I have ever really like had dinosaur bones in them . I have never been really interested in museums and those sorts of things . I went along just to enjoy the time with my family . After the museums , there was the Harvest Moon Festival down the street so we walked over there to see what it consisted of . They had a lot of things for children to do and it was free . They gave the children little pumpkins to draw on . The children got to " fish . " They had to throw the line over a curtain and they each ended up with a lollipop on the end of the rope . They got to dig through sawdust to find little prizes . They enjoyed every moment of it . Before we went to the museums , we went to Costco and had lunch . I bought the kids each a hot dog and my sister and I a sausage dog . I also bought 2 berry frozen yogurts and 2 chocolate dipped almond ice cream bars . It was good food . My kids ate half of their hot dogs and then started on ice cream . I have decided that I should probably just buy 2 hotdogs and cut them in half . The hotdogs are pretty big for a little child . After spending a few hours in Ogden we headed back to our city and let the children play at an indoor playground for an hour . By that time , the children were pretty worn out and ready to come home . Upon arrival at home , I had my husband talk to the mainenance department about what kind of hose we need to hook the dryer up to the vent thing . One of the maintenance men came over , took a look , went back to his shop , grabbed the hose and hooked it up for us . I thought that was incredibly nice of him . I will always have a spot in my heart for maintenance men as that is what my dad did during his working years . I told my husband that it seems that people in that profession are generally giving people . Perhaps it is because my dad would do anything for any one and I know that . To end the day , my sister and I went and did grocery shopping . Upon arriving at the store , we saw that they were doing flu shots there . So , before starting our shopping expedition , we both got our flu shots . My doctor had said the sooner the better for the flu shot , so the baby could start getting immunity to the flu as well . I thought I should take that advice . She won 't be able to get a flu shot until she is 6 months old , and she still has 18 days left inside me , anything I can do to keep her healthy this flu season , I am willing to do . Now I just need to set up an appointment for my children to get their flu shots . They really don 't look forward to that , but I always bring them for out for ice cream afterward . This week has been a little crazy ! My laptop was at the warranty doctor , we got it back yesterday . It is working good after finding out that the charger I was using didn 't work , so it was the charger , not the computer . That is good news . . . This week I worked Tuesday through Friday . It was a good , but very busy , week at work . I am thankful that I work with a great bunch of people . I am generally the first person to work , so when I walk in to the office all the lights come on . Wednesday morning , this was not the case . I walked through the back door of my office building . I could see in the distance that the front door of the building was broken . I thought perhaps it had a stress fracture and finally broke during the night . I took a deep breath and took a few more steps to check things out . I noticed that the office lights were on . I saw one of the office windows was broken . Needless to say , I turned around , and walked back out the same door I came in . One of the co - workers pulled into the parking lot so I told her what was going on , then called 911 . My co - worker and I walked to the front of the building to meet the officer when he arrived . We kept an eye on the backdoor , which can be seen from the front door , to make sure none of our co - workers tried to go in . The officer arrived about 10 minutes after I called . He saw all the broken glass and said he was calling for backup . Within a matter of minutes , there were 4 other officers at the building . We told them what we knew , which was the office lights are motion activated , and that I am generally the first one in the office , when I am there . They had us stand to the side on the front sidewalk in case someone came running out , and they went in through all the broken windows and doors . I gave them my badge to get into the office . We watched them clear the building hallway , with guns drawn , and then progress into the office . After several minutes of them being in there , they came out and told us that one of our coworkers were in there and it was safe to go in . So , we went in , walked through the broken glass on the floor , and found another fellow worker . She explained that she could see something , but it was so dark that she didn 't realize it was broken glass . She went in and started to work . She said that she was busy at work when she turned around to have officers with guns pointed at her . She explained that she worked there and didn 't notice anything was wrong . It took me a good couple of hours to recover from what I had walked into that morning . I am grateful that the person was gone by the time I got to work and no one was injured . The person took a laptop from the office , but that is all . The cameras showed that it happened around 5 : 15 am and the person was in and out within 1 1 / 2 minutes . Didn 't take him too long to get something and get out . I arrived at work an hour later . Tuesday night / Wednesday morning . . . about 6 hours before arriving to work , our sleepwalking friend started to try to come into the apartment again . This is the second time he has done this . It is always a little unnerving . We know the fellow now , but since he was sleepwalking , I didn 't dare to let any of us open the door . You never know how someone will react . We yelled through the door a few times and then he left . He came back about 10 minutes later and finally I yelled to him which apartment to go to , and he must have listened because he didn 't come back . It was a crazy few hours ! Tuesday my little sisters turned 36 . It was a long day and I felt bad that I wasn 't able to do anything with my sister that lives with me . I worked from 6 : 15 - 3 : 45 , I had a doctor 's appointment at 4 : 45 , didn 't leave til 6 , then had to stop and buy stuff to make supper . We arrived home at 6 : 40 , I threw supper together , and brought the kids outside to eat . She wanted to be able to watch NCIS , so we wanted to let her do that without any noise from the kids . We ate outside , then went and fed the ducks , then went on a little walk and let the kids play at the playground . We came home at 8 , and I proceeded to make her birthday cupcakes . We had cupcakes at about 9 that night . I was exhausted because I had been up since 4 am , so I ate my cupcake with some ice cream and went to sleep . On Thursday , my mom had her birthday . I called her at about 8 am her time , which made it 6 am my time . I guess it can startle a mother when her 35 1 / 2 week pregnant calls her that early . I assured her I was on my way to work and was only calling to say Happy Birthday . She was happy to hear that . She said that 65 feels great and I should look forward to it . We agree that we have had a lot of fun . It was interesting to see that she has a 40 year - old and a 28 year - old , and several in - between . I will have a 36 year - old and a 27 year - old at that age , with a couple in - between . The baby is doing fine . We are thinking that she will be delivered on Oct 13 , in the evening , if the amniocentesis shows that her lungs are fully functioning . My children usually come that early anyway , so I am sure she will be fine . I am excited to meet the little one . Today we are trying to figure out what we will be doing . We may go to a museum or a fun center . Either way , I hope to end up with a Costco sausage dog and an ice cream bar . We are hoping to get our dryer hooked up as well . We need to figure out what kind of dryer vent hose we need to get , the aluminum one was too long . We shall see ! On Friday night , we brought my sister out to dinner in Logan . I had seen that morning that they had opened a restaurant up there that we used to frequent in college . To say we were a little excited would not do it justice . Her birthday is tomorrow , so this would be her birthday dinner / gift . Although the breadsticks had changed , Craigo 's had the absolute best breadsticks in the country , the food was delicious , and priced very affordably . The restaurant is called the Pizza Pie Cafe , for the dinner buffet for adults , it is $ 8 . 25 and includes pasta , pizza , breadsticks , dessert pizza and salad bar . It was great food . At a table close by , there was a young couple with a 6 month - old baby boy . When my 3 year - old saw the baby , he pointed my head in that direction and said , " Look Mommy , their baby popped out ! " I couldn 't help but laugh . He has sat on my stomach and pushed on my stomach , telling me he is going to pop the baby out . He is more than excited to meet his baby sister , and I imagine he is a little envious of everyone that has actually had their baby " pop out . " On a side note , my two older children walked to school today with some of their friends . This is the first time they have walked by themselves , without someone from our family . It is hard to believe that they are to that age when they can be independent enough to walk . I feel there is safety in numbers . I also feel we live in a safe place . They know all the rules and I have to trust that they will follow them . They are responsible children , as are their friends . at We have decided that we are going to give cloth diapers a go with this little one . She will be here in about 3 weeks , less than four weeks maximum . We are excited for her grand entrance into this world . After weighing the costs of everything , and a lot of research , it looks like cloth diapers are going to be the way we go . They have certainly come a long way since I babysat a couple kids when I was 10 and they were both in diapers . Cloth diapers , nonetheless , and they were made out of long , white pieces of cloth that I had to rinse in the toilet ( trying not to puke my guts out ) . We then decided that we should buy a washer and dryer . We got online and found the website for the local classified ads and started calling people that had washers and dryers listed for sale in the classified ads . All of the people had sold theirs . At the bottom of the page , I saw one that was listed 33 minutes before . I had my husband call , she still had them ! We told her we would be there quickly . We stopped and picked up the money and rushed over . Thankfully , the dryer was electric as well . We were super happy . They look in great condition . They also had a dining room table and chairs for sale . So we bought those also . We had been using a card table for our dinner table . The first meal we ate at the new table was hamburgers with tater tots . It was good food . We need to grab some washers for the washer connection to the water faucet . We have to get a tube to vent the dryer and then I think we will be up and running . Sure beats hauling the laundry to the laundry room as I discussed last week . Here is to hoping for many years out of our used washer and dryer ! This has been a busy , productive week . The kids are doing great in school . I put in 38 . 25 hours of work in 4 days . My laptop was sent away to the warranty doctor . It will not hold a charge and if the plug didn 't have precise placement , the laptop would go off without any warning , due to not holding a charge . So , it shipped away on Tuesday . My oldest got his tooth pulled on Monday . He did very well , until we left the dentist office . By the time we got home , which was less than a mile away , he was crying in pain . It was painful for me to watch and not be able to do anything . I had given him his pain medication before we went so that it would kick in by the time the tooth was pulled . The crying and pain seemed to last forever , but in reality it was probably only an hour . By the time the dentist office called and said I could also give him Motrin , and I left to buy it and come back , he was a lot better . He didn 't even want the medicine . I was happy . His mouth bled for about 2 hours and I think I went through at least 15 gauze pads . Thank goodness for gauze ! He ate bananas and ice cream for the rest of the day . I went to the doctor on Tuesday . The non - stress test on the baby looked good . When I saw the perinatologist , they determined that they will do an amniocentesis in 3 weeks to determine if the baby 's lungs are fully functioning . It will then be decided when she will be delivered . I look forward to meeting the little one ! I want her to be full - term though , so past 37 weeks . We went on a walk Tuesday night and brought Cheerios to feed the geese , ducks and swans . The geese and ducks loved the Cheerios , the swan was too busy grooming herself to even know we were there . She cleaned herself the whole time we were watching her . We all got a kick out of watching how she did . You would never imagine how well a swan can clean itself until you see it happen . That long neck makes it possible to get very clean . Last night , my sister and I went grocery shopping . We got enough food for a week , what a wonderful feeling ! I had been going daily for a few days , and it gets expensive . . . especially since I think I should replenish the ice cream regularly . I hate going grocery shopping , but I hadn 't had enough time to make up a menu and figure out what to buy . We went to feed the ducks that live here last night and there was none to be found . I wonder where they have wandered off too , or if it was just too late . It was more dark than dusk , so they may have went to wherever they sleep for the night . I haven 't figured that out yet . Today , my sister , my youngest and I rode the train down to Salt Lake . She met with my supervisor so she can start work soon . My supervisor wanted to meet my youngest son . It was so cute how they interacted together . I had made brownies to bring down for the co - workers and he insisted that he was starving , so he was eating one when we walked in . He got to meet my co - workers , I had told him that they are my friends that I hang out with when I am not at home . When my sister was speaking with my supervisor , we went outside and walked around . He did quite well on the train , but he didn 't seem as impressed with it as I imagined . I hope all of you have had a wonderful week ! It was a beautiful California morning , I woke up about 8 am , oblivious to what had been happening 3000 miles away in the state I had left a mere 3 1 / 2 months before . I was married 4 days before and very happily in the honeymoon phase . My husband and I were renting a room from a wonderful woman that is now a dear friend . She was crying and I wasn 't sure what had happened . I asked her what happened , if there was anything that she needed , anything I could do . She then filled me in on everything that was happening in our country . She told me that airplanes had run into the World Trade Center , the Pentagon and one had crashed in Pennsylvania . I have to admit that it took what seemed like a minute or two to digest what I was being told . Tears welled up in my eyes . I stood there in disbelief , disbelief that this could happen to US , to our people , on our soil . Disbelief that some people could be so hateful , so evil , that they would take so many innocent lives . I had dated a man that lived in New York City . I stood on the observation deck of one of those Towers in October of 98 . It was a magnificent view , you could see for miles upon miles , at every angle . To this day , it stuns me at how quickly they crumbled to the ground . I wondered what would be next , if there was anywhere safe to be . I lived much closer to a big city than I had in a long time . I was living within a few miles of Sacramento , the capitol of California . How safe could I be ? This was my next thought . My husband was taking a Political Science class at a local college . It started about an hour after we woke up . I had him call his school to find out if there were still going to be classes . To my surprise , he did still have class . So , I kissed him goodbye and he headed off . I turned on the radio , we didn 't have television service . In fact , I didn 't see any footage until 2 days later , when I went to the gym . Until then , the news I got was from the radio . I heard the audio footage of people screaming and running . I heard them telling us that all planes were grounded because we didn 't know how many had been or would be hijacked . I heard people sobbing , wondering where and how missing family members were . I heard about local blood drives , emergency blood drives , to get blood to people that were going to need it . This was something I could do , to help from thousands of miles away . I had donated blood in the past , I wanted to do something , and this is what I could do . I heard a location on a street that I knew , so I headed there . The line was backed up , it would be a few hours before I could donate , if it would be that day at all . I made an appointment to come back the next day . My parents and my sister were still traveling home from my wedding . They had a cell phone . I had tried to get in contact with them for hours . If anyone remembers , cell service didn 't work very well that day . I can understand why , everyone trying to make sure their loved ones were accounted for . When I finally got through , they were really close to Chicago , IL . When my parents travel , they don 't listen to the radio . They talk and enjoy the scenery and the drive . Sometimes the radio will come on , but it is usually later in the day , but it hadn 't been on at all that day . I told them what was going on . I could hear the disbelief and shock in the voices as Mom told my dad and sister . We hung up and they continued their drive . The next day when they had to return their rental car , it wasn 't an easy task . Since they had rented it from an airport and the airports were closed . I guess that it took a while to figure out what they should do with this car . It did get taken care of . When I finally saw television footage of the events , there were things on the TV that I would have never imagined . People jumping from buildings , dust clouds chasing people as they were running away from the falling buildings , bloody people helping other bloody people . So many images , so many terrible images , that had to be shown . I don 't know that there would be any other way to report such a horrific event . We need to remember that day , we need to remember how much we love our country . All the flags that were waving in our front yards , the flags we bought and hung from our car windows , the t - shirts we bought with flags on them . The comraderie we felt as a nation . The togetherness , neighbor helping neighbor , neighbor speaking to neighbor , there was genuine love between people . . . regardless of political view , religious background , race . Ten years later . . . I am still married to that husband . The honeymoon phase is over , reality has set in as far as that goes . We are expecting baby number four . Life is good , but like everyone else 's it is not perfect . We drove home from work on Friday . It would be the last day of the weekday talk radio . My husband enjoys talk radio . He listens to Rod Arquette after work on his way home . Friday he was remember 9 / 11 . I listened , tears rolling down my face . . . I hid it from my husband . I 'm not sure why I didn 't want him to know I was crying . As a mother now , hearing the terrible sounds of people crying out for their loved ones , people in so much pain , hearing the reports of the Towers being hit , falling down , absolutely broke my heart . Perhaps as a mother , I was understanding the pain of all the mothers that lost children they loved more than life that day . Perhaps as a wife , understanding how she woke up and kissed her husband goodbye , knowing fully well that he would be home that evening , and he would never again walk through their door . The tears flowed , like they never had before , remembering that day . This morning I woke up , I made pancakes ( plain and banana ) for my family . I told my children about the events of ten years ago . I turned on the television to see some of the coverage . I listened to names being read . The names of peoples ' loved ones , mothers , fathers , husbands , wives , sisters , brothers , best friends . I heard a mother talk about her son . I didn 't catch the whole thing , but I know how very proud she is of him , how much he is missed and how much he is loved . We must remember the troops , the many men and women , who signed up to serve our country . The people that have signed up before 9 / 11 / 01 and those that have signed up after . The troops who have given their lives to protect our freedom . We must support those men and women . We must remember the firefighters , police officers , and other first responders , that went running into the buildings that day while others were running out . The ones that died doing what they believe in , trying to save the lives of others . We must remember the men and women that survived that day . If anything , I would imagine that all the people that died that day , and the ones that have died fighting the battles of that day , would want us to love each other . Treat each other like we did those days , weeks and months after 9 / 11 . They would want us to be a charitable nation . They would want us to raise each other up , instead of pushing each other down . They would want us to focus on service , being selfless , instead of being selfish . Let 's remember the people on the flight that went down in Pennsylvania , they acted selflessly , knowing that their plane was probably going to take the lives of other innocent victims , took control and ran into the ground instead of another building . Let 's remember that we have our lives today , we don 't know what will come tomorrow . Let 's try to smile at someone that may need a smile in their lives . Let 's be a friend to someone who could use a friend . Let 's just remember that life is unpredictable and treat people like it may be the last time we may ever see them . . . and hope and pray it isn 't . No blog last night . . . I was really tired and the kids were sleeping by 9 pm , all of them . The youngest had fallen asleep around 8 pm . I didn 't realize how tired I was , until I looked at the clock and it was a little after 9 , and then I woke up at 10 : 45 pm . It had been a long week , the trip home on Monday was exhausting , and then putting in 40 hours of work over the next 4 days . I just needed to sleep and I wasn 't going to fight it . When I woke up at 10 : 45 pm , I turned on the television , expecting to put on something boring so that I could go back to sleep quickly . The complete opposite occured . I turned it on and David Letterman was on my screen , but in a completely distorted view . I kept looking at it for several seconds , tried to turn up the volume to see what was going on , and then tried to flip the channel . The sound didn 't go up , but the channel did change . It was a Spanish channel , but still completed distorted . The screen then started flickering , with a rainbow looking flash in the middle . This all happened within a minute of turning on the televison . I turned off the television , and in all my wisdom , turned it back on . I thought it was just a momentary problem that would correct itself . I was sadly mistaken . There was no picture , except for the flickering , rainbow thing in middle of the set . Then I started to smell smoke . . . the scent of an electric problem radiating from my television . I turned it back off and unplugged it . Then I posted a note and hung it front of the television stating not to plug it in , that it was ruined and smoking . Just in case one of the kids wanted to watch TV this morning and I didn 't notice . I had many strange dreams about televisions once I fell back to sleep . It is odd how those kinds of things can cause the subconscious to unleash . I don 't know that I have ever actually dreamed about a television , until last night , when I must have dreamed at least 5 different times about different television scenarios . When I woke up this morning , I went and got our older television out of m8 : 14 AM When we got home from Washington on Monday night , I had my children get ready for school . I always have them show me what they are wearing , down to the underwear , socks and shoes . I don 't want to leave anything up in the air for their Aunt to have to worry about as she tries to get them off school . My daughter brought me everything except for shoes . I asked her where her shoes were . That is when she started to cry . I knew this wasn 't a good thing ; it was obvious they weren 't tears of joy . She started to explain to me that she left them outside when we left for our trip the previous Friday . I have to admit , I was annoyed . I had her go and look for them , she brought her aunt . They were not where she left them . I told her that probably one of her friends brought them inside for her . She cried and cried . She explained to her dad that they are special shoes , that her Uncle Bob bought for her . She wanted " tie shoes , " not velcro . Her other sneakers are velcro . I told her to pray for them and that I would too . Tuesday rolled around , I had her ask friends if they had put her shoes in their houses . None of them had . We continued to pray , no one wants to lose their special shoes ! Wednesday , after my date with my husband , I saw that her shoes were in the corner . I was really happy for her and so was she . I asked if one of her friends had them , she said no , that they were outside . I was just happy that she had them back and for the answer to the prayers . As I mentioned yesterday , my oldest son has an abscess tooth . I was sure that it was just a cavity , until he was up off and on from 1 to 4 : 30 am Wednesday morning . Something told me at 4 : 30 am that he had an abscess and that I had to get him to the dentist . I tried to figure out who our dental insurance is through . No one could answer that question at that time of the day , just a whole lot of digital voices answering phones and asking you to say something or the other or press something or the other . I finally got through to a live person at 6 am , on the way to work , and founWell , football season has begun and the first game just got over . I didn 't think it would be such a high scoring game . I am a Buffalo Bills fan and a San Diego Chargers fan . I love football and always look forward to the season . Sundays has always involved watching games . Finally , there will be something good to watch on Sunday again ! Today my husband and I celebrated ten years together . We woke up a little after 5 am , got ready for work , and drove the 30 minute commute together . He dropped me off in front of my workplace and continued on to his . We didn 't speak again til about 3 : 40 pm , when he called to see if I was already home or if I needed a ride . I needed a ride . He came and picked me up and we headed off to doctor 's appointments . I had a fetal non - stress test and then saw my midwife . The baby looks fine , which is always good news . We then headed to a local buffet in town which makes the best scones around . I ate more than I should have , the food was good . We arrived back at the house a little before 7 : 30 pm . My sister was kind enough to watch the children even after work hours so my husband and I could go to the appointments and out to eat . Ten years ago today was a very exciting day . My sister and I went and got our hair done and manicures and pedicures . She was my maid of honor . We had to go buy shoes ( you never remember everything ) also . My parents and my sister drove from NY to be at our wedding in Reno NV . We decided to get married on September 7 , but the date was chosen on September 4 . That gave them 3 days to get there , they arrived on September 6 . We hung out in Reno that night . My older brother , my grandfather , and my aunt and uncle , as well as a dear friend who I was renting a room from were also there . My husband 's grandmother , his parents , brother and sister , and his best friend were in attendance . It was a wonderful turn out for short notice . I have never really been one to want to be the center of attention so it worked out well for me . We were married at a wedding chapel in Reno , NV . My grandfather 's sister , Mary Jane , let us use her house for the reception afterward . My grandfather had made and decorated the cake . I am so thankful that I met such a wonderful man 10 years and 4 months ago . Yes , it was a short engagement , before we were married , but when you know it is the right person , you just know . Life has been good to us . We have been blessed with 3 healthy children who love our Heavenly Father and love us . They treat each other well . We have our little one on the way , who had good reports at the appointments today . I am so thankful for everyday I have with him and with my family . I have truly been blessed . This past weekend , my kids , my husband , my sister and I went on a little trip to see my big brother , his wife and kids . We left on Friday when my husband got home from work . We had a couple little setback , so we didn 't head out exactly when planned , but we did pretty good . I had my oldest son bring the snacks ( in a little plastic grocery bag ) to the van so we would have some things to munch on , as needed . This was the first setback . He thought it was trash and ran it right to the dumpster and tossed that in . . . as well as the Nintendo DS he was holding . So , the plastic bag was easy to retrieve , it was right at the top of everything since it had just been deposited . The DS , not so easy to retrieve . It took a good 15 minutes or so . First I tried holding his legs because he would be able to reach it , but he didn 't trust me enough to not let him fall in . It got knocked down further . I went to see if we could borrow someone 's long grabber thing , but by the time I found someone that would bring it over , my husband had helped my son get the DS . The trip would not go so well knowing that the DS was being served to the landfill . The other setback was that my husband couldn 't find any of his hats . That took a little while to solve also and then we hit the road . We drove for 8 hours that night and ended up in a little hotel room with beds that were too soft . My back enjoys firm beds , and seems to enjoy them even more when 33 weeks pregnant . We finally all fell to sleep and slept well til the morning . My daughter didn 't even remember my youngest son falling out of bed and landing on top of her . That is what woke me up at 6 am for the rest of the day . We headed out by a little after 7 am and were to my brother 's house by 9 : 45 am . The hotel had a free continental breakfast . It wasn 't very impressive which caused my oldest son to announce that it was a 1 star hotel . He gives things stars based on the food that is served . . . buffets always get 5 stars . I was humiliated , but that is how we learn . When we arrived at my brother 's house , we didn 't see a vehicle there , so my husband and kids went out back . Their cousins were very happy to see them in their backyard . My oldest nephew is old enough to watch the kids ( which I often forget , where does time go anyway ? ! ) so I didn 't even think they would be home . My sister - in - law and brother arrived home shortly thereafter . My brother had to bring the boy scouts to an archery range to earn a badge or something and my sister - in - law was running a quick errand . That day the kids played outside for hours . This is the second time they have been together in 4 months . They love having time to be together . We had tuna fish sandwiches for lunch . My brother and husband brought the older kids to the archery range where they got to learn the rules of the range and got to shoot some arrows . I guess my daughter was a really good shot from 10 yards away . My nephew watched the kids later that evening while we went out to Mongolian Barbecue . I had never had it until I was visiting them in May . It is a very impressive dinner and it is interesting to see them cooking it on the grill . On Sunday , my sister - in - law made pancakes with bacon . It was a delicious breakfast . I ate more than I should have , but I enjoyed every bite of it . We had church from 11 - 2 pm and then went to the Temple to walk around and get pictures afterward . Upon arrival back at the house , we had leftover Mongolian Barbecue for lunch . We sat around and talked for hours while the children played outside . I made a mistake and took a nap , a long nap , and ended up staying up til 1 am ( Pacific time ) , which is 2 am my time . That was not a good thing . When I woke up it was time to start thinking about dinner . My brother grilled steak and squash on his grill . My sister - in - law made French fries and corn on the cob inside . It was an amazing dinner ! Then came out my sister 's surprise birthday cake . It was made at Costco , chocolate cake , 4 layers with chocolate chunks around the outside and fudge between the layers . If it weren 't so rich , I think I would have eaten the whole thing . She was very surprised . My sister - in - law and I stayed up talking until 1 am . The children went to sleep around 10 and it was very nice to get to visit without noise for a while . I think my brother , sister and husband all fell to sleep around 11 . I planned to leave by 7 their time , but it was a little after 8 am when we finally left . I woke up at 6 : 50 am officially . My son woke me up an hour before to get medicine for a toothache . I had a piece of that cake for breakfast ( it is so yummy ! ) . We kissed everyone goodbye and jumped in the van . I drove the whole way home , we got here about 8 : 30 pm . There were a few stops on the way . . . potty breaks , a stop at the Boise Mall for something my sister has wanted forever , to buy gas and to grab food and keep going . It was a longer trip home than previously , but it was well worth the trip to get to see the family . Is it just me , or has being a mommy ( or any adult around children a lot ) changed anyone else 's television viewing habits ? I used to be one that would watch Days of our Lives daily . I started watching it in college and finished watching it the day my youngest son was born . So , I watched it for a good 11 to 12 years . Yes , I would miss episodes , but I could turn on the television and figure out whatever it was that I missed prior . I used to watch the night - time lineups , the shows that wouldn 't be appropriate for children to watch because of the adult content . In college , I don 't think I missed a single episode of Friends . Now , I can 't even tell you what shows are on what nights . Although , I have to admit , I do watch Biggest Loser , and my sister got me watching Bones and NCIS during the final couple weeks of last season . I will probably watch these when they start the new season . I am also a huge sport 's fan . I will put it on ESPN to watch whatever is on , or whatever NFL , NBA , or MLB game is on . Since having children , I have tuned into Nickelodeon , Disney , PBS Kids , and Cartoon Network ( CN has only been recently for Looney Tunes , Tom and Jerry , and Johnny Test , for the most part ) . I never had any desire to know about SpongeBob SquarePants , The Fairly OddParents , Phineas and Ferb , Ni - Hao Kailan , etc . Those are just a few of the shows that are favorites among my children . I never envisioned myself as actually sitting down and watching these shows and enjoying them . I have even noticed that some of the episodes I will continue to watch , even if the children leave the room . I enjoy having my children sitting around me as we watch cartoons . There is nothing like hearing them laugh at the funny parts . Hearing them laugh makes me laugh even if something wasn 't funny to me . It is amazing how hearing the laughter of a child can change your whole day ! It is fun to hear them discussing the cartoons with each other . They discuss aspects of the shows I would have never even thought about again . at I am a wife , mother , daughter and sister . These are the most important roles in my life . I enjoy blogging about my family and about my training for races . The training blog helps keep me motivated .

Last autumn we introduced Heikki Hietala 's fabuous Filtered Light . Well , now there 's a fully juiced - up bumper edition that you can load for your Kindle or app here . And to remind you just how brilliant Heikki is , here 's one of his stories , There 's a quaint tradition in the towns of Finland . Many of them publish magazines around Christmastime , filled with reminiscences of goat - herding in 1920 , or the arrival of electricity to the remotest village , and somewhat awful iambic hexameter poems by retired schoolteachers . The more rural the town , the more certain it is the magazine will be published . As I sit here now , an envelope in my hand , I 've decided to submit my own little contribution to one of the magazines . I never thought I 'd write one , but when my wife recently passed away , I realized no one knew the story anymore , and that I needed to tell someone exactly what happened in the summer of 1968 . The version of the story which was extant at the time is patently wrong , and I feel I should now set the record straight . I was a first - year medical student then , and I 'd done well in my studies . So well , actually , that I was supposed to get a summer job as an orderly at the Tampere University Hospital where I was studying . But then the son of the dean of the Medical Faculty decided he wanted to be one too , and with his connections he dislodged me with ease from my dream job . The ward nurse looked infinitely sad when she broke me the news . " Do you have anything else you could consider ? " she asked me . " No , not really . I 'll probably have to go back to my old boss at the Post Office , and grovel for my mail sorter position . " I looked out of the window where new , light - green leaves were already blocking the view to Lake Näsijärvi . I felt cheated and angry , and I promised myself I 'd never succumb to nepotism if I held such a position . " My sister works at the Keuruu Municipal Home for the Elderly . She called me last week and asked me if I knew anyone who 'd want a summer job there . It 's not a University clinic for sure , but at least it 'd be within the field , and it beats sorting mail ? " She gave me a number . I called , I was confirmed straight away , and I was told to start in a week . Keuruu … I was a City boy from Helsinki , and studying at Tampere was north enough for me ; Keuruu was a hundred miles yet further out . When I told my friends about it , they just told me it 's a pretty place but a one - horse town if there ever was one . " Bring lots of books , " one of them told me . Arriving at the Municipal Home was something of a surprise , because it was not at all what I expected . Instead of the small , perhaps slightly run - down house I 'd envisioned , I was dropped out of the taxi at an expansive , whitewashed , three - story building with no less than three wings . " An awful lot of people must live at Keuruu , " I said to myself when I entered the sliding doors and went to the main lobby for my meeting with Head Nurse Koskinen . She came to me , smiling , her hand extended . " You must be Jussi Korhonen . Welcome ! I am very happy you 're here , because we 've been having trouble getting orderlies for the summer . You can drop your bag behind the desk and I 'll give you a tour of the place . " I did as instructed , and then followed as she charged down a corridor which seemed to go on interminably . Our steps echoed as if we were walking in cavernous space , and I had to speed up to keep beside her . She must have seen my wondering look , because she explained the size of the building . " This is not for Keuruu only . We are the first Municipal Home to be built for the elderly from five separate towns : Keuruu , Multia , Petäjävesi , Mänttä , and Pihlajavesi . You 're right if you thought there 'd never be enough senior people in our little town ! " All the time she pointed out important rooms for me . " That 's the main recreation hall … that corridor over there leads to the sauna and swimming pool … this is our dining hall … that 's the door to the ward for the bedridden … " and so on . There was so much to see I could not remember any of the locations , but I thought I could learn it all on the job later . We blazed through the floors and finally took the elevator down to the lobby . " So , that 's what we have . Nurse Jaana will be here in a moment to show you to your quarters , and then take you to the depot so you can get your working clothes and other stuff . Welcome once more ! " and she was off , steaming up another corridor , a dreadnought in starched whites . Nurse Jaana turned out to be not much older than myself , and very attractive too . Funny how at that age one is able to conjure romance out of thin air and let such thoughts occupy almost all one 's cognitive capabilities . We left the main building and took the gravel road towards the depot , which was in a separate building to the north of the main house . I noticed Jaana wore a ring ; my castles in the clouds imploded without a sound . I turned and walked backwards for a while to take in the huge building . In front of the main lobby was a sandy square , maybe thirty or forty yards wide . Above the main entrance was a balcony . " What 's with the balcony ? The Head Nurse speaks to the staff from there on New Year ? " Jaana laughed . " No , I 've never seen it in use . Some said it was built because they found they had some funds left during the building phase and the balcony was the easiest way to spend it . They say the view is great from up there , but I 've never been . Here we are - let 's go and get your things , " she said and entered the depot . Two hours later I was settled in the dormitory , which was built to scale with the Home . The upper floor was for women , and the men had their rooms on the ground floor . I was lucky - I had my room all to myself . I 'd been told to report for the night shift at eight , so I just arranged my little library on the window sill and rested for a while on the bed . At five to eight I made my way to the main lobby and asked how to get to the staff room . Another kind and pretty nurse told me where to go ; I smiled , and found my way without a hitch . There were already five people in the room , someone shoved a mug of coffee into my hand , and another person pointed me to a seat . I smiled all around . " Hello , night shifters , " the Head Nurse began her hand - over message . " As you see , we have finally received our missing trainee orderly , and our roster is now balanced for the summer . Please welcome Jussi Korhonen ! He 's just completed his first year at Tampere Medical . " Approving smiles made me feel welcome . " Arto , I 'd like to make Jussi your charge . Would you take care of him and show him the ropes for tonight ? Or actually , you have three nights together lined up . Sorry to start you off with night shifts , Jussi , but this is how it goes sometimes . " Head Nurse Koskinen pointed at Arto , who nodded at me . Half an hour later we were already sitting at the night duty desk . " Mostly we sit around here and wait to see if Five Eyes goes off . Then we go and take care of the trouble . " Arto pointed down the corridor . " That 's the latest in paging technology . " I looked to see . High on the wall , right below the ceiling , was an enamelled white metal cylinder . It was about the size of a large tin , and was attached to the wall with a chrome arm . On the cylinder were five red lamps , arranged like the pips of a five on a die . I had little idea what it was . He explained . " It 's officially called the Corridor Paging System , but we call it Five Eyes . It flashes and buzzes , and you just look at it and it tells you where something is happening . Every nurse station and ward room and other site in this building has a control panel . Here 's the code book , " he said , picking up a thick stack of yellowed , xeroxed papers . " You need to learn it by heart . Won 't take you long - you 'll know it all two days before you leave . " He laughed until his big belly began to jiggle and he had to dry his eyes . To me it wasn 't funny . " Give me an example , " I said . " I can 't just try to memorize these if I don 't know what happens . " Arto reached into the corner of the night desk and punched a couple of buttons on a control panel , about the size of a large box of matches . Immediately the thing on the wall burst into life , buzzing in two tones , and flashing its five red , bulbous eyes in a three - part sequence . " See that ? Top two flash twice , then three across left once , then flash all five once . Repeat . Got that ? " I said I did , and he hit another button . The device flashed all five lights three times and went silent . " That 's the all clear . Now find out what was it that I paged . " Taking the stack I leaned back and figured things out . " Umm … lemme see … okay . The first was … aha ! Location ! ' Wing C , Head Nurse 's office ' . The three across was ' Head Nurse or doctor needed ' , and the last five was " Urgent ! " Arto clapped his hands . " Close but no cigar . The first signal was two eyes , but twice . That 's our desk right here . The three across was top left to bottom right , not right to left . That 's us , any orderly must pick up that call . You got the urgent bit okay . Don 't worry , you 'll soon learn where you 're needed , because most of the calls are for orderlies . So , learn the locations and the tasks soon . " " No . You read it here , and you learn it well . Sometimes you will be called with the Five Eyes , and you just got to know where to go , like a dog kicked on the arse . Oh , one more thing : if you copy that message and reset Five Eyes , you alone have that call . You must carry it out . Now we go and have coffee . It 'll be a long night . " And so it was . Most of the nights were long , with not much happening except the walks around the silent wards , peeking in to see that all the gramps were tucked in and sleeping , and the occasional call to assist the nurse on duty . Little did I mind , I liked it so much . The nights of the Finnish summer are light ; around Midsummer you can read outside in the ambient light , even in central Finland where Keuruu is . Scooting about in a dimly - lit hospital - like building appealed to my sense of adventure . Within two weeks I was an old hand . I was let in on the inside jokes , such as calling the Head Nurse ' Mother Superior ' , and using Five Eyes for non - medical purposes . It was around that time I learned of Frans the Janitor . " Frans is not in a ward . He 's living in the former janitor 's apartment . We can 't have him in the ward anymore , as he 's scaring the other patients . " Jaana went into the elevator and pushed the ground floor button . She led me into the west wing , all the way to the end of the deep corridor , where there was a door with a latch . Jaana took the tray and motioned for me to open the door . I knocked on the door , and then unlatched and opened it . It was a two - room apartment with a bathroom en suite . In the living room , by the closed venetian blinds , stood a wiry old man , with a classic Einstein haircut . He heard us coming . " Is that you , Jaana ? Who 's that with you ? " Jaana put the tray on the table and led the old man to it . " It 's Jussi , our new summer orderly . You 'll soon learn to know him . " The old man sat down and faced me . It was then I noticed the cataracts in both his eyes , and the milky lenses made me feel uncomfortable in his gaze . Jaana gave me a wink . " Come now , Frans , you 'll be with us for a long time still . Here 's your fork and knife , it 's pork chops today , and I 've chunked it up for you already . " She patted his shoulder and Frans smiled . " I have to go back . Please stay until he 's eaten , and bring the tray back to the kitchen . " Jaana took her leave , and I could hear the big lock click shut after her . I looked at the old man as he ate with the meticulous movements of an engineer . He even counted the times he chewed each bite . " You 'll see when it 's your time to be picked up . " When the old man turned his unseeing eyes to me , I felt he had a gaze of a different sort , one which penetrated and made me shiver . I let him finish , then collected the tray and left him alone in his room . I took the tray away and went back to my desk , where I found Arto . " Long story . To make it short , he was here as a construction foreman when they built this place , and he asked to remain behind as the janitor . Then when he got too old for that , he was in the ward for a while , but when he lost his eyesight , he turned cranky . He began to ' see ' friends of his walking the courtyard , and talked to them , and it freaked out the other old folks . " Arto sipped his steaming coffee . " So , after a while they put him with the demented ones , but he 's not really one of them , and then Mother Superior remembered his old apartment was free since the new janitor didn 't move here from his farm . So , we installed the bolt on the door and put him there . " " To himself , at least . He 's been trying to get out of his place of late , so watch that door . Once the nurses left the bolt latch open , and they caught him when he was trying to get to the balcony . " I happened to take the meals to Frans a few times , and gradually got to talking with him . He didn 't seem a threat to anyone , including himself . Once I remained after he 'd eaten , and as he leaned back , I asked him point blank : " Who will pick you up , Frans ? " The old man stood up and clasped his hands behind his back . As he went to the window whose blinds were closed as always , he peered out as if he saw something . " Yes , that 's Koskela out there … " " Ah . You didn 't sleep in history class , well done . I didn 't want to have anything to do with the war . All I wanted was to run my business as usual , but my workers got the Red Flu and started to work for the revolution . " " I would have been just fine even if they 'd joined the Communists as long as they turned in at the workshop every morning . Koskela was such a fine mechanic . He did the best detailed work . And Lehesmäki could have wrought the Sun from copper . Ojala then , you could give him a bar of steel and he could turn out anything you ever wanted , anything … almost without tools . All in all , we supplied Tampella 's train engine works with many of the crucial parts . They paid well , and I paid my boys well . " " The front reached Tampere . The Reds dug in and the Whites encircled them . My boys steered clear of trouble until that goddamn agitator showed up and converted them . He made them join the Red cause . And not just that . He made them break into my office and break open the safe , and run away with the money . That must have been the reason for his visit in the first place , to get the money and buy more arms . " He waved as if there was someone in the window . " I got mad . I was so furious I swore I 'd get them , and my money . I took my grievance to the White commander , and he said , ' We 'll get all of them soon , you just wait . ' But I couldn 't wait . I went out and went from home to home , and heard they had indeed joined the Reds in the besieged city with their newly - bought rifles . And then I went out myself . " " No . I 've never spoken much with him . Come to think of it , no one has . He must be fond of you . " Arto paid for his coffee and pastry . " Just don 't take everything at face value . He 's a little , well … you know . " The next evening , Nurse Sari was only too happy when I took the tray she was taking to Frans . " I 'll take it to him , no need for you to go down , " I said , and got a most enticing smile as thanks . By this time , I 'd already found just how much I liked Sari 's smile , and was going to ask her out as soon as I mustered up my courage . But now I had the reason to go and open the locks to Frans 's apartment once again . He leaned back and looked at me , and I felt that same shiver at the milky eyes . " Then it turned bad . It was March 28th , and the Whites were attacking Kalevankangas , where the Reds were dug in by the church . Losses were terrible on both sides … blood flowed from the churchyard on down across roads . I was there myself , and was horrified by the ferocity of the battle . Still , what happened during the night was , my workers got second thoughts and tried to escape in the dark . " I poured him coffee from a little jug and put the sugar close to his hand . He picked up three lumps and then moved his spoon in a circular motion . " You know , it 's fifty years ago , and even now , every day , I wish to God I hadn 't acted the way I had . " " I happened to be at the command post when they brought my boys in . They were in a bad way , a couple were wounded and none had eaten for a couple of days . Nonetheless , when I saw them , my hatred flowed over , and when Nordström , the White commandant , asked me what I wanted to do with them , I just said , ' Kill them all . ' " " I could have saved them . I knew Nordström well , and I could have claimed their skills were essential for the war effort . But I didn 't . " And in the first light they laid them against the wall of a barn and shot them . I watched and felt I 'd been avenged when the last shot rang out and Wetterstrand fell in a heap on the snow . But that wasn 't the worst . " Frans finished his coffee and motioned for more . " They let them lie there for the day , and only in dusk went to take them to the temporary morgue . I went to help , and we picked up the stiffened corpses of my workers and threw them on the sled . When we lifted Wetterstrand , he wasn 't dead . His lungs had been punctured , but he was alive . Looking into his eyes I realized what I 'd done , and when he talked to me , I was filled with remorse . " " No , we took him to the field hospital . I discarded his red sleeve badge and stuck a fir bough in his hat to pass him off as a White so they 'd treat him . He didn 't say anything . He never spoke anymore , not even before he died after a few months . " I collected his plate and cup and took the tray . " See you tomorrow , " I said , and rushed out . When I heard the lock click shut in the door , I felt somewhat better , but I wished I hadn 't asked him to tell his story . I slid the lock bolt on and tapped it against the door , then left . Seeing Arto reading a magazine at his desk was such a relief . He looked at me . " You must have seen a ghost . Get some coffee so the colour will return to that ashen face , " he said and poured me a cup from a thermos . At that moment , Five Eyes went off . Top two , bottom two , all five , cycle twice . Third floor , dementia ward , orderlies and doctor needed . I was quicker than Arto to roger the call , and I ran to the main lobby and up the stairs , and then down the corridor . Doctor Mennander appeared at the top of the other stairs at the end of the corridor , and we met at the desk by the ward door . " I responded to Five Eyes - but there 's no one here ? " I said . The nurse of the ward came out and asked us to be quiet , and when we asked what the trouble was , she said there was no trouble . She hadn 't pushed the buttons , and there was nothing for us to clear up . " Damn these electronic systems , " Mennander said . " I was just about to leave for the day . " He walked away , grumbling as he went . I shrugged and left too , and the nurse went to her tasks . When I met Arto downstairs , I said , " The system crashes apparently . No one rang the alarm . " The evening went fine , and the next couple of nights too , and then I had my first night on my own . I felt ready for it . I was happy to see Sari was on her shift too , at the bed ward , not far from me . I might just pop out at some point for some chitchat and watch the Five Eyes from her place . I did the rounds , and watched the rain set in outside . I closed all doors that led out of the building . It was a long walk to go and check all eleven doors , but I didn 't have to go out . Just as I was at the far end corner of the third wing , checking on a maintenance door , Five Eyes went on . I checked the flashes . Bed ward , all orderlies , emergency . I took the stairs to the second floor and was at the bed ward door in record time . I yanked the door open and was face to face with a very surprised Sari . " Oh ! You scared me . Why are you here ? " Sari absolutely refused to admit having hit the Five Eyes alarm button . " You must have been mistaken . The alarm didn 't blink or sound here at all . See ? It 's right there , I could see it all the time . " But I had seen all three of the devices blink along the corridor , and had heard the sound of the buzzer echoing in the hallway . I didn 't want to press the issue and make Sari worried , so I made some small talk and soon had her promising to go out rowing with me , come Sunday . We couldn 't stay together for long - we did have work to do , so we parted . At my desk again , I decided to go double - check the doors . This time I started from the entrance by the janitor apartment . I yanked the handle and found everything okay . Just as I was about to leave , I saw the bolt on Frans ' door was slid open . I closed it again and at the same time heard Frans trying to open the lock from his side . He pushed the door against the bolt a couple of times , then let the lock click shut and shuffled away from the door . I stood there breathing fast and shallow . Why was the bolt open ? Surely he couldn 't have opened it from his side . I double - checked the bolt was locked and went to my desk , but pouring coffee wasn 't that easy with shaking hands . When nothing else happened during the night , I could sign the duty sheet with relative confidence and go for a fitful day of sleeping . He put his fingers into his fluffy white mop of hair and tried to create order out of chaos , then gave up . " Realism set in . In my hatred and fury , I forgot these men were the best metalworkers anywhere north of Germany . So , having wilfully discarded my only source of revenue , I went bankrupt in short order . I had to think of something else to do , and I sold my works and left Tampere for good . I didn 't want to stay in any case ; the memory of what happened was too strong for me to stay . So I became an itinerant construction manager , building whatever I could find . This is the last job I had . " Before I could ask another question , he went on . " And now , it 's about time for me to finish this job too . I 've seen all seven of them here . " He went to the window . " If you could see what I see , you 'd take a look at the courtyard . " I sneaked up to him and opened the ever - closed Venetian blind , but could see nothing but the well - raked sandy courtyard bathed in the gentle evening light . " That 's them . I 'm on the right with the bowler hat . It 's 1916 and all is well . Now when I look out of the window , I see them in the same order , left to right . They 're wearing the same clothes . And I still have my bowler hat on the hat rack , " he said and went back to sit in his armchair . " It 's waiting for the time they pick me up . " My turn came three nights later . It was one of those nights with just me and the night nurses . Sari was on too , two floors above me . I had not slept too well of late , so I was tired right off the bat . Coffee , dark as Venezuelan nights , had some effect , but I must have dozed off . I dreamed vague dreams of times I couldn 't identify , and people I didn 't know , but I was awakened by a volley of shots . I fell off my chair I had balanced against the wall , then understood it wasn 't shots . It was 02 . 15 , and Five Eyes was buzzing in two tones and flashing its mean red eyes . I was to get to the third floor , acute medical ward . This time , the elevator was faster . Once I got there , I saw no one , but out of the corner of my eye , I sensed something moving by the balcony doors . It was like a shadow , but with substance . I rushed to the door and ripped it open , and entered the balcony . It was empty , but as it was my first time there , I noticed what a view it offered out to the well - raked sandy courtyard below . I held on to the railing , trying to see if someone could have been inside the glazed door and then gone somewhere from the balcony , but could not find a route . And then Five Eyes went just about mad . Returning to the corridor , I stared at the lights and listened to the buzzes and could not make any codes out of it . What was the oddest thing - only the device closest to me was on . I could see the others down the hallway were dead . As I watched , it did a sort of countdown from five to one , then went black too . I was sweating by this time , wondering what the hell was going on . I remembered I had not done the rounds but once , and to calm myself down , I went on the route , trying to whistle to myself . I thought River Kwai felt appropriate , but the nasty echo made me cut it . The first locks and doors were fine , but then I got to the bolted door of Frans . The bolt was missing . Someone had bent the restricting piece of three millimeter steel so as to remove the steel bolt altogether . There were no signs of the use of force ; the lock frame had been bent back as if it 'd always been flat . And , worse , the door was open . I rushed in and checked the small rooms of the apartment , but Frans was nowhere to be found . As if it weren 't bad enough , Five Eyes came alive once more . Bottom two , bottom three , all five . One tone . Trouble at the main entrance . I ran up the stairs and entered the lobby , but since I could not see anyone there , I went out to the courtyard . I felt a wind pass by me , a gust I thought , but this had more volume than a regular gust . And the leaves of the ashes didn 't move - they always flutter with the faintest of breezes , but not now . Then I felt it again , and twice more , almost being bumped by wind . I must be ready for the basket - weaving ward , I thought , but then I chanced to look up . Frans was at the balcony . He was wearing a trench coat and boots , and his bowler hat was firmly planted on his head . He stood by the railing and held it with both hands . " Of course I won 't jump , " he answered in stoic fashion . " That 'd be stupid . But the time has come , and my workmen have arrived to pick me up , so I must bid you farewell . " He was still grabbing the railing with his knobby fists . I saw his trench coat move , again as if by wind , but when it flew open to either side of his wiry body , I understood it was no wind . Fourteen invisible hands began to tear at his trench coat . Then I saw his trousers move , as if someone pinched the pant legs and pulled his legs back and off the balcony . He was soon in a horizontal posture , hands on the railing still , but when I saw his fingers twisted free of the black metal railing one by one , I moved back , watching and not believing what I saw . Frans was indeed picked up , and when he had to let go of the railing , he grabbed his bowler hat with both hands . He moved out into the air in front of the balcony , carried by the hands visible only by the creases they made in the fabric of his coat . Majestically and silently , bar the incessant sound of wind that was no wind , he floated out to the courtyard , a full thirty meters from the building . And then , he was dropped . The hands holding him ceased to exist , and he began to fall . It took him less than three seconds to hit the ground , and he met the earth with just a thump . He moved once , as if to straighten himself from the heap in which he landed , but then moved no more . I rushed to him and turned his head to see his face , but he said nothing . A smile , no , the ghost of a smile appeared on his lips , and then he died . I looked around to see if there was anyone to help . I saw Sari on the balcony , and I put my hand to my ear mimicking a telephone . She understood and went to call the police . I kneeled beside Frans to wait . It took only fifteen minutes for them to arrive . The cops had the good sense to keep the sirens of the Volvo Amazon silent , but they did brake hard , sending gravel flying all over the yard . The first to emerge could have been the granddad of the Keystone Kops , but the driver looked as if this was his first assignment ever . " Wilska , Lieutenant , and Officer Jormakka . What 's this ? Suicide ? " the old man asked . I explained that Frans had been thrown off the balcony and he 'd landed here . Lieutenant Wilska looked in the direction I pointed . " That balcony ? You 're joking . That 's a good thirty meters . He couldn 't have been thrown here . Besides , who threw him off it ? " I took a deep breath and explained what had happened , and made sure I included every twist of the tale . Officer Jormakka took notes , but by the time I explained how the invisible hands had lifted Frans 's feet off the balcony , he took his pen off the pad and looked at me as one looks at a lunatic . Wilska took his pipe out of his pocket , and knocked the ashes off against his shoe . " Guess what , son ? This is my last week in the Force . Forty - four years of petty crime , drunks beating each other up , traffic offences and the occasional murder , but I 've never , ever heard such an idiotic story . But that 's not the point . The point is , I retire next Monday . I 'll be damned if I start to investigate this as anything else but suicide , even if the body is found here , thirty meters from where he should have landed . " He refilled the pipe with aggravated movements , then lit it . It took four matches . " And I 'll be fucked if I go to the Captain to explain to him that ghosts carried this man from the balcony and dropped him to his death . Jormakka , take the legs , and you , boy , you take the arms . Carry him over to where he would land if he jumped off the balcony . " I tried to protest , but to no avail . Jormakka picked up Frans ' legs and motioned for me to grab the hands . Lieutenant Wilska measured a spot five meters from the main door . " Drop him here , in a heap , just as you had him there . Then , Jormakka , you go and get the camera , and document the suicide scene . I need a statement from you , kid . Anybody else saw this happen ? " " That 's good . So , you were the only person who saw this elderly and demented gentleman climb the railing and leap to his death ? Write it down , Jormakka . " " This is what we will write . Having then met the ground at a high speed , the said gentleman died at … 02 . 45 ? That 's half an hour from now ? " " See if I care . Jormakka will type it up when we get back to the station . I 'll send the mortuary for the body . You will now go and grab that rake , and make everything hunky - dory both here and there where you sat . Understood ? " I was about to protest , but then I realized my position ; it 'd be the summer orderly 's word against the Police Lieutenant of forty - plus years . Fat chance . I went to pick up the rake and cleaned up the impact site , thus hiding all the signs of the demise of Frans the Janitor . For forty more years , the sound of the rake on the ground stayed with me and kept me awake at night . I married Sari in about a year 's time , partly because I liked the way she understood me that night . I told her what happened , and she believed me , but we let people believe Frans had leaped to his death , depressed after losing his sight . We bought a summerhouse on an island on Lake Keurusselkä and stayed there for thirty - two summers . Reading the local paper every summer , we saw Lieutenant Wilska died in 1986 . I have no information of Officer Jormakka , but he 's kept his silence , I am quite sure . And now I am alone , after Sari died a year ago . I think it is time to let the good folks of Keuruu hear what really happened at the Keuruu Municipal Home for the Elderly . Frans the Janitor deserves it , and so do his workers . So , I will now print this and seal it in an envelope , and hope for the best .

I called Dad this morning to wish him a happy Memorial Day . The nurse told me he had a visitor . She described my sister , Holly . I called her cell and she put me on with Dad . He sounded wonderful ! So happy , I could hear his big smile . She emailed this picture of Dad to all of us . She took an American flag to him and attached it to the back of his wheel chair . Dad told me it was a beautiful day and he was having a wonderful time with Holl Doll , Dad 's nick name for her . I told Dad how much I loved him and I wanted to thank him for all he went through , fighting for our country . He said he was so happy and proud to be a Marine . I told him we were proud of him as a Marine , but also very thankful he is our Dad . He thanked me as his heart poured over with love as he expressed his love for the entire family . . . He told how much he loved all the great grand children , grand children , his children and all his family and friends . He was very PROUD , PROUD , PROUD , PROUD of his boys and girls . . . . When Dad says ' his boys & girls ' , he not only refers to his four sons and two daughters , but also his six grand sons , six grand daughters and his two and a half great grand sons . One of his most precious possessions is a white sweatshirt with the first names of each of his twelve grand children , listed down the front in two columns . Dad served in the Marine Corps and was in the Second Marine Division fighting in the Battle of Tarawa . It is known as one of the bloodiest battles in Marine history . None of his six children , grand kids or great grand kids would have been born had he died on that beach over those three days of constant battle . For Mother 's Day my sister Holly gave Mom and I a frame with a flower she hand made . I have meant to take a picture of it to share with all of you . She is going to post a video of step by step instructions on her blog tomorrow on how YOU can also make this flower . You can glue to flower to almost anything . I finally captured a good portrait of Izzy and put it in the frame . . . here it is : Mom went to visit Dad . Dad was in the dining room , finishing his lunch . He had not finished his spaghetti and did not want anymore . Mom helped him with his ice cream , but he stopped , telling her he had enough , because it was too cold . She fed him his custard with no complaints and then watched him woof down a fruit plate . She wheeled him down to the alcove and they visited for awhile . Mom told him about her retirement luncheon , and the thank you card from his sister 's granddaughter . Mom had sent a small check for her college graduation from both of them . Dad smiled and said it was nice . Mom 's job was abolished after fifteen and a half years . She was in charge of attendance . She would call all the parents of the high school kids who missed classes . She works for a second chance high school , for kids who became pregnant in school or caused trouble . When school ends for the summer , Mom 's job ceases . I wonder who will take her place and follow up on the attendance ? Or will they just stop checking ? Mom told Dad about her plans to do some things around the house and Dad asked , " Which house ? " Mom repeated , " our " house . He asked again , " Which one ? " Mom described their home by the street name . Dad asked what about his mother 's home in Pasadena , where we lived when I was a child . . . Mom told him that house was sold and Dad smiled and said he didn 't think so . Dad talked about his " friend " and what funny stories they told each other . Dad chuckled as he thought of it . He started sliding down in the wheel chair and Mom asked if he was tired . He agreed , and said he was ready for a nap . Mom told him she would put him down for a nap . He asked her , " Where ? " Mom explained she would get help to put him in his bed . She wheeled him back to his room , stopping at the nurses station to find out who his nurse was . Doctor - Doctor is off on Fridays , so the assigned nurse immediately helped Dad into bed . The nurse told Mom Dad had been up since 9am . They had been helping him walk in the hallway , so he was probably tired . Mom kissed Dad good - bye and left his room . I finally got through to Dad later in the afternoon , around 4 : 15pm . He sounded tired and weary . I asked about his visit with Mom . He told me she looked glorious , as usual . I was concerned about his confusion and was concerned about him not finishing two of his favorite foods . . . spaghetti and ice cream . I keep wondering if that hole from the lost filling on his upper left side , will be a problem . Medi - Cal refuses to fill it . They prefer to wait and pull it " if " it bothers him . That is the dumbest treatment plan I have ever heard . . . Dad cut our conversation off short . He told me once again he was tired and wanted to go to sleep . I worry about that bleed on his brain . . . is that why he seems to be sleeping so much ? I still have not heard back from his primary care physician . . . . he has not answered my email or called me . Tuesday , I will call the social worker to have an x - ray of that tooth to make sure it is not abscessed or decayed to the point of an exposed nerve ; and call Dad 's doctor about the monitoring . Today , my daughters in California , went to register the younger one , at Target , for her upcoming baby shower . Afterward , they went to see SEX AND THE CITY ( part II ) . After the show , they went to TGIF for lunch . I had called to let them know , I would see the movie here in Nevada . They are huge fans of the TV series and saw the first movie . We all looked forward to discussing it afterward , as if we had all three gone together . . . I dressed up , put jewelry on and everything . . . and away I went . I sat next to a couple of gals around my age , but they were not into sharing the experience with a stranger . . . they even talked during the movie ! ! Very bad form . . . I really liked the first SATC , and this one had some funny parts , maybe it is just me . . . but it kind of bugged me they filmed it in Abu Dhabi . Did some Sheik put up the money for the film ? Maybe it was an excuse to spend the reported million dollars on the clothes . . . Part of the mystique of the four woman is New York . . . and the majority of the movie was far , far , from New York . . . Ran some errands after the movie and then took myself out to lunch . I had left Izzy alone at the house for five and a half hours . When I opened the door , there she was , wagging that curly tail and so happy to see me . The DON read the list of Dad 's medications . He finished his antibiotics for the UI on 5 - 16 - 10 and finished the bacterim for the MRSA on 5 - 21 - 10 . At this particular time , Dad is off all blood thinners until further orders from Dad 's doctor . Dad is on stool softners and laxitives for constipation . The nursing home is keeping Dad on the continued orders from his hospital admission notes . Dad takes a multi - vitamin with Iron , but the DON assured us it was not enough to cause any trouble . Dad is anemic . Again , diagnosis from the hospital . Did the brain bleed cause it ? The DON did not know and asked me to ask the doctor . I will be sending an email to the doctor with my questions . . . I also want to know what else are they doing to monitor Dad 's brain bleed ? They also ordered a third pair of eye glasses for Dad . Dad has lost or given away his last two pairs , saying , " Someone needed them more than he did " . We suggested getting one of those necklace things to hold the glasses around his neck . I asked what they felt were the reasons Dad keeps getting the urinary tract infections . The DON stated hygiene , for a possible reason . I told her , Dad would NOT be at fault in that situation . She also stated Dad did not drink enough water . Again , would not the nursing home be responsible for that as well ? ? The nursing home staff offer water every two hours , but if Dad refuses , they move on and ask later . They can 't force him to drink . ( Every time my sister and I are there , he guzzles two cups of water for us . ) I asked if his prostate issues would contribute to the UI . First the DON told me no , then when I explained to her that Dad 's prior doctor ( before he was admitted ) explained to me that the enlarged prostate can put pressure on the kidneys or bladder making it more difficult to urinate , or to make him go more often . I asked if Dad is not drinking enough water , wouldn 't that complicate his problem ? The DON then agreed with me . With all Dad 's medical issues , and this recent fall , we decided Mom and my second to the oldest brother K ___, ( who is the Executor ) need to review the DNR paperwork . We all agreed it is better to get that order straightened out now , rather than in the midst of an emotionally difficult situation . Hopefully , Dad 's doctor will answer my email questions soon . . . My sister visited Dad . He is still wearing his sombrero . Maybe Doctor - Doctor gave it to him ? Dad was in his wheel chair , in the activity room , getting ready to sing church songs . She took him outside on the patio to enjoy the strawberry shake she had bought him . It was a beautiful , blustery day . My sister said it had rained last night and some this morning . The sky was an incredible blue with lots of fluffy clouds . Dad had shorts on and with the cold strawberry shake , he was chilled . Doctor - Doctor came out to say hi , and when she saw Dad she quickly ran back inside to get him a blanket . Here is a picture of Dad and his Angel , Doctor - Doctor . Look how well Dad looks ! ! He is just flat out amazing how quickly he heals ! ! ! He had his sombrero and mask on , but it was OK to take it off once he was on the patio . Dad laughed heartily every time Doctor - Doctor rolled her " R 's " and said , " Mariachi " to him . She really brightens his day and it is so easy to see her genuine affection for him . Dad began to spin a story of how he had played a round of golf with his " ladies " and how he blasted a ball with a 5 iron , getting a hole in one . He boasted how his score was so much better than everyone else . My sister listened intently , smiling with joy and so grateful he seems back to his happy self . . . Dad heard everyone singing and wanted to return so he could join them in song . My sister wheeled him back in and kissed him good bye . She hugged him big enough for the entire family and told him how much everyone loves him . My second to the oldest brother and Mom went to visit Dad this afternoon . Dad was asleep . They woke him , but it took him some time to rally . He thought my brother was my youngest brother . . . I trust his confusion is the fluid on the brain . I plan to call the doctor and ask if they are monitoring the fluid in any way . . . They could not believe how fast Dad is healing . His face and hands look great ! I hope one of them took a picture of Dad so we can all see how well he is doing . . . Dad had one of the face masks on . Mom hates them . When we had to wear them when we visited him in the hospital , Mom kept going out of the room , and pulling it down , so her nose could pop out . She has horrible claustrophobia . Today is suppose to be the last day of his treatments for the staph infection . The CNA came in to help get Dad in his wheel chair . When she wheeled him out to Mom and my brother , Dad was sporting a big sombrero . Dad seemed to enjoy the attention he got from wearing the sombrero and his mask . He got a kick out of it . Later , while they were all talking in a visiting area , Dad suddenly grabbed the sombrero off his head and told them to " Get this damn thing off ! " . Dad began rambling about something , but between his soft , garbled voice behind the mask , they did not really understand , but nodded in agreement . My brother asked Dad if he would promise to not go outside any more . Dad told him he had learned his lesson and promised he would stay inside . They noticed Dad 's crooked fingers . All of us seem to have them . Dad and I have the same crooked middle finger on our right hand . When my husband and I visited Dad the last time , Dad was belly laughin ' himself silly with our crooked fingers and my husband 's " excellent fingers " . Mom said she found it difficult not sharing family news with Dad . I don 't know why she feels like that . I share everything with Dad . Some times it registers , some times not . Well . . . those people came to look at our house yesterday . For starters , the Realtor was lost and while I was on the phone giving her directions , the woman and her husband were knocking on our front door . . . A HALF HOUR EARLY ! ! They were kind of pushy . The man kept trying to pet Izzy and I politely explained she is afraid of men . He kept at it . I reminded him she was rescued and had been abused . Still kept it up . She barked at him and I did not correct her . THE IDIOT ! He sat himself down like we were loving relatives and made himself at home . The woman has a sister in Pennsylvania . The couple live in our community ( bought a resale ) and have the same model we do . She went on and on how beautiful their house is , and the view they have of the Strip from their front door . . . GREAT ! I told her I was happy for them . The Realtor started in on how the prices are dropping . . . I know that is BS due to our appraisal . The lady asked if we wanted to sell , and I said , " If the price is right . We are holding FIRM on our price . " There are only three of our models for sale right now . The realtor had told me they wanted ours . Finally , they left . I received no phone call from the Realtor , so I doubt they are serious about buying . I am sure the other models available are lower than we are . I had called the retirement community in Hemet , CA , where we were considering moving before , in the morning before they came over . Ironically , the home and lot we liked , is still available . In fact the home next to it was sold , so they are building the one we liked on spec . " IF " we wanted it . . . we have until June 10th to make our changes . . . They still have the incentives they had last month . . . . but their HOA is over three times the amount of the one we pay now , because they have a third less homes in their community . They have also increased the price of the house . We sign the final papers for our Reverse Mortgage this afternoon at 4 : 30pm . I asked my husband if we should call the Realtor . . . and delay doing the Reverse Mortgage . He doubts their interest from what I told him . They did not compliment the house , only the landscaping . He said if they want to buy it , we will up the price to absorb the fees for the Reverse Mortgage . So for now . . . that is that . . . Finally was able to speak with Dad . I had them wake him up from his nap . He sounded very , very garbled . I keep wondering if that is from the bleed on his brain . . . He sounded tired . He complained of his " internal problems " , telling me he was not too happy about it . I know what he meant . He really hates the incontinence . I can 't blame him . I would hate it too . I reminded him what he always used to tell me , to think positive . . . look for all the positives you can find . . I am pretty sure Doctor - Doctor is off today . She was off last Friday when he returned to the nursing home . So , I told him he could look forward to seeing her tomorrow . He told me he knew I was right and he is trying , but it is so difficult . . . My heart aches for him . Talk about an exercise in humility . . . Dad is gaining some strength back with his physical therapy . He is back in the wheel chair and going to the dining room for meals . I am so proud of him ! The nurse at the nursing home called me today as promised . She checked with Dad 's primary physician and he told her Dad had two chest x - rays prior to his discharge from the hospital and all was clear . The doctor said Dad does not have pneumonia . . . great news . Had a nice lunch at Macaroni Grill with my girlfriend . We checked out TJ Max and Ross . I bought three outfits for my newest grand son , soon to arrive toward the end of September . I spoke with my eldest daughter this morning about the co - ed baby shower she is planning for her sister in August . She is extremely capable and can handle it completely by herself , but that does not make me feel any less needed . I will contribute financially to make it happen , bring gifts and attend . . . but I would much prefer to be there in the planning stages . I hate it when I doubt myself . Are we doing the right thing with this Reverse Mortgage . . . What if the housing market stays the way it is ? What if we still can 't sell our home without giving it away in two years to three years ? These are very difficult times . As my husband is always saying , " It all comes down to money . . . " I came home and there was a message on our machine from a Realtor . She had a client interested in our home . I called her to let her know we had taken the house off the market . I was surprised when she explained she knew it was off the market , but her client is a sister to a woman who lives in my community . She had sent our Internet pictures to the sister , who anxiously wants to live closer to her . The Realtor asked if we would consider letting her see our home . Unfortunately , the nurse I had spoken with on Sunday about leaving a note for Dad 's doctor to check him for pneumonia , did not ask the doctor . When I called , after not hearing from her , I was told by the other charge nurse , no such note was on Dad 's chart . She explained the other nurse had left for the day . She apologized and promised she would make sure a note and phone call would be made to Dad 's doctor . I did not connect with Dad today either . . . he was sleeping or eating the two times I called . Both phone calls , I was assured Dad was doing very well . Dad 's spirit constantly amazes me . For me , he has always been a man of calm strength . Today was over cast and very windy . This year has had the strongest winds . in the close to five years , living here . The winds howled , causing Izzy to growl and investigate the various noises from the winds through the house . . . . By 5 : 30pm I could not keep my eyes open and laid down on the couch for a quick " cat nap " . I awoke at 9pm . My dear husband had already cooked dinner for us , keeping my dinner warm in the microwave . What a lucky woman I am . My sister went to visit Dad today . I did not post how he looked 10 days ago after he fell . . . But trust me , it was too graphic to show ! We are all totally amazed at how quickly he is healing ! In the ER , his entire upper lip was swollen and you could not see the bottom of his nose , where the nostrils are divided . He looks so good ! When she first arrived , Dad was getting a sponge bath and a shave . Dad 's bruises are starting to turn yellow . Dad was so happy to see her . He is still too weak to get out of bed , so she sat on the edge of his bed during their visit . She asked him again if he could remember how he fell . Immediately , he told her he was running and he fell flat on his face . He did not remember anything else . He has consistently told us this story , and it seems to piece together within the time line , so that is probably what happened . He most likely saw the lights from the Jack n the Box across the street and began to run for some ice cream . He told her how good it was to be back with Doctor - Doctor and all his other friends . The juice girl came by with her little cart and asked Dad if he would like some Lemonade . " SURE ! I WOULD LOVE SOME GOOD TASTING DRINKS ! " , Dad blurted out . My sister watched him drain the first one and went to get him a second , which he drained in short order . Dad told her how much he loves ice cream , and she reminded him there is a note on his food chart that says just that . Dad smiled . He asked her if he had been on a ship . . . . and she told him maybe he had dreamed of it . He asked if he had been in Chicago . Dad was born in Chicago . She said he seemed confused at times and very coherent . Dad thanked my sister for coming . She assured him the entire family sent their love , are happy he is healing and doing so much better . Bless his heart . Pretty impressive for an 89 year old . . . even if he keeps telling us he is 98 . Mom went to visit Dad this morning . Apparently Doctor Doctor had tried to give Dad a shower , but he was too weak and could not stand . The physical therapist evaluated Dad and will set up some gentle exercise to rebuild his strength . Several of the familiar staff , who are so good with Dad , came by to visit with Mom and welcome Dad back home . They have changed Dad 's room to one closer to the nursing station . He has an updated wrist alarm which will be checked monthly . He will have the padded floor alarm around his bed , so if he gets up , an alarm will sound . Mom said Dad had a cough . Hopefully , it is nothing serious . When I call back later on today , I will ask . Last May , before he was admitted , he got pneumonia from lying around convalescing from his leg ulcers . . . Dad told Mom he had a brother named Don . Dad was named after an Uncle Don . He had no brothers , just four sisters . Dad named all his sisters except his youngest sister who passed away almost two years ago . Mom helped him with a hint , telling Dad his youngest sister had the same name as their family yacht . Dad smiled and said , " Jessie Mae " . Dad began reminiscing his memories sailing with his uncle and father . The uncle had made an impression on Dad when he told Dad , to " HIT THE DECK " . Dad then related how during the Battle of Tarawa , when Dad heard a missile whistling toward him and the other Marines , while they were digging fox holes . Dad yelled , " HIT THE DECK " and saved all their lives as they all dove deep into their holes in the sand . My grandfather was an inventor . Dad remembered a fire in his Dad 's shop . Dad watched as his Father quickly threw hand fulls of sand and put out the fire . Dad used that vivid memory to put out flames near the gasoline drums near the fox holes . Dad knew the fire from the missile explosion , would cause the drums to explode . Dad ordered the men around him to help scoop sand from the beach onto the hissing drums and fire . They successfully extinguished the fire . Dad closed his eyes and began to dose . Mom asked if he would like to take a cat nap before his lunch . Dad opened an eye and told her he hopes he gets more ice cream on his lunch tray . . . Mom said she would make sure of it . . . Last night , a Neuro Surgeon called me after reviewing Dad 's 2nd CT Scan . He explained Dad had fluid on the brain ( subdural hydroma ) . He proposed drilling a hole in Dad 's skull , under general anesthesia , to release the fluid on the surface of Dad 's brain . . . . I knew Dad was not in pain . I have been calling twice a day talking to him or his nurses . I asked the Doctor what would happen if we did not do the surgery . He told me Dad would most likely be sleepy or more demented . It may or may not resolve itself . I told him I would discuss it with my family , but I was almost certain we would not want to put Dad through brain surgery . Dad used to forbid us to even say the word " dementia " in his presence , let alone admit he had it . He was convinced , it would mean " exploring his brain " or " using him for experiments " . Dad used to be a Volunteer Chaplain in both hospitals and nursing homes for over 15 years . He is well schooled in patient rights . He would want to know why a Neuro Surgeon was seeing him ! He would have to go kicking and screaming against his will to have brain surgery . I emailed the family and talked with one of my brothers and my sister over the phone . We all agreed to not do the surgery . As long as he is not in pain , we will not put Dad through it . We would rather lose him from complications from the fall , than watching him go further down the dead end road of Alzheimer 's . I spoke with the Neuro Surgeon again this morning . I needed the reassurance , once again , that if we did nothing , Dad would not be in pain . He gave me that reassurance . I explained the results of our discussion and he was very understanding . He said he would put a note of our conversation in Dad 's chart . He further told me it would be up to Dad 's primary care physician to determine when Dad was well enough to return to the nursing home . I have tried twice to speak with Dad this morning . Our last conversation on Wednesday , when they were going to do the CT Scan , his voice was very garbled . Probably from the huge scab covering the opening of his nostrils . He talked non - stop . I could tell he was scared . Each time I called he was getting a bath or sleeping . The nurse said to try again in a half hour , when he will be eating his lunch . Happily , Dad 's appetite has returned . I feel like a raw , exposed nerve ending . Very sleep deprived and tense . I am so tired , but when I lie down to rest , my mind flashes all my worries and fears regarding Dad . I can 't help but not feel how he must feel . I hate he is alone in that hospital . I wish I could have stayed longer to be with him . . . It is so very sad how , after all my Dad has been through , his life has come to this . . . I cannot imagine being in my Dad 's position . We want to protect him , but we cannot take care of him . I don 't know if I will ever be able to shake that guilt from my psyche . Dad 's primary care doctor just called . After one week in the hospital , from his terrible fall last Friday , he is transferring Dad back to the nursing home this afternoon . . . back to Dad 's Angel , Doctor - Doctor . Dad sounded so excited and happy . He told me how well everyone treated him . . . . Daddy , you are such a gentle spirit . So loving , so caring . All the goodness that you have shown over the years in being played forward to you now . . . May God continue to Bless you and keep you safe . Spoke with Dad this morning . His voice sounded very garbled . He thinks he has dysentary . He told me he was having a CT Scan . I spoke with the nurse and she said if Dad 's brain bleed is not any bigger , Dad might be released back to the nursing home tomorrow . . . Went to my primary care doctor today for a nurse visit . She swabbed my nose for the MRSA . My doctor called me last night and told me the receptionist was wrong , he would do the test for me . They did not even charge me for it ! I should have the results in 48 - 72 hours , but I am sure I am fine . I wanted to thank each and every one of all of my blogging friends for all your kind words , prayers , support , and concern for Dad and our family . Words cannot adequately express how much it means to me . God Bless each and every one of you . I consider myself so very fortunate for meeting all of you . I left Mom 's house at 9am . On the road I called the hospital to check on Dad . The nurse told me Doctor Doctor had some in to visit Dad . After that , Dad was so happy , he told all the nurses he would take care of each and every one of them financially . They all enjoyed that and said he was so sweet when he took his medications . . . God Bless Doctor Doctor . . . I stopped in Baker and enjoyed a Bob 's Big Boy burger , french fries and a side of blue cheese . Aahhhhh , delicious ! When I stopped at the Vets to pick up Izzy , she came out , saw me , and began dancing on her hind feet and begging with her paws for me to pick her up . Oh what a wonderful licking I received ! We were both so happy to see one another ! ! ! I missed her so much . Their meeting went on a half an hour later ( no doubt discussing Dad 's fall ) but at 9 : 30am , I finally spoke with the Director . She said she would check with the Administrator and call me right back . Within five minutes she called back telling me noon would be fine for a meeting . All six of us met out front . My sister and I showed everyone , what looked like blood spots , we had found on Saturday on the sidewalk and all wondered if Dad would have gotten that far . . . It was almost to the corner of a busy street . Jack and the Box was across the street . We all shuttered and were so grateful Dad had not tried to cross that street . Dad had been changed at 4 : 45am and wanted to get up . The CNA told him it was still too early and he should go back to sleep . The CNA went on her rounds to check other presidents . . . The alarm on the security door did not go off , because Dad had an expired wrist alarm on his arm . He has not tried to escape in almost a year , so it was not a priority . NOW IT WILL BE ! His Wander Guard wrist bracelet will be checked weekly . Once the alarm goes off , each nurse and CNA is equipped with a warning buzzer that alerts them on which resident has set off the alarm . None of the family had seen Dad walk in over six months . He has always been in a wheel chair . When we viewed the security video , we all sat with our mouths dropped open , watching Dad walk purposely down the deserted hallways and out the front door . Once outside in the dark , he walked a few steps and then stopped like he was confused . He turned and walked back toward the front door . We could see car lights pass in the residential street in front of the nursing home . As the car passed , Dad turned and went toward the direction of the car . Dad walked out of the view of the camera . . . The security cameras only record movement , apparently they can get a weeks worth of recording , instead of only a few days if it recorded non stop . If Dad walked and stopped , the camera would go on and off . I wanted to see it a couple of times to check the times as I immediately thought of them editing it to hide something . . . Maybe he went into the street toward the car for help and coming back to the sidewalk , tripped on the curb and fell . Regardless , it is a miracle he was not more seriously injured . He could have broken bones , required stitches , broken teeth , broken his neck . . . oh God , we have so much to be grateful for . Thank God that housekeeper found him ! The Administrator apologized profusely and assured us Dad would be fitted with a new alarm , it would check it regularly , and he would be monitored much more closely . He assured us he would normally have a complete written investigative report , but since it happened Friday , they were still gathering all the facts . He took my email to email the final report to me . After the meeting , we decided we would all ( except for my sister , who had to return to work ) would go to our family favorite , Taco Ready for lunch . We spent the next three hours eating , talking , reminiscing and laughing . Lots of laughter . We talked of investigating getting a beach house for a week and all the family getting together . I am going to look into it . I called the hospital to check on Dad . The nurse told me he was yelling his head off . I could hear him in the back ground . I asked to speak to him . When he came on the line I could tell he had not taken his meds . He was slurring his words and telling me I would be sorry if I did not get him out of that hospital RIGHT NOW ! I could not help smiling , thinking he was feeling much better . I let him rant and rave for a few minutes and then asked if would like some ice cream . He did . I asked him to give the phone back to the nurse so I could tell her what he likes . When the nurse returned to the phone , I gave her a list of some of Dad 's favorite foods . I told her to tell Dad Doctor Doctor called and said to tell him , I explained how important she is to him and Dad would listen to her . Doctor Doctor had come Sunday to visit him , so I knew he probably missed her . She thanked me and I told her I would check back later on to see how he was doing . Mom and I finally left them and returned to her house to work on sorting and cleaning out her office . A little before 8pm we drove to In and Out ( another family favorite ) to go , for dinner , returning just in time to watch Dancing With The Stars . Mom was asleep before the second set of dancers . . . I called back to check on Dad and the nurse happily reported what I had suggested worked ! He had taken his medicine , ate some dinner and was resting comfortably . . . . Sleep tight Daddy . . . After church we went out for oatmeal , my treat . Just something light before lunch . Got back to her house and I gave her texting lessons . My sister and I keep teaching her . . . hopefully , this time , it will stick . I helped her with her GMail and got those questions answered . Having pre - bought the show tickets the night before , we drove to Chili 's and met my sister and her daughter . We enjoyed a wonderful lunch and exchanged gifts and cards . My sister was so creative ( as usual ) and made frames for both Mom and I . She also took some of those extra soft comfy socks and swirled them inside a cute pink and white Happy Mother 's Day muffin sized baking cup , making it look like an pink iced cupcake . She made us rice packs which are good for heat or cold . Mine had hearts and a little dog that looked like Izzy . . . ( I would post a pic , but I am still too tired and so far behind in my blog . . . maybe she will post pics on her blog . . . . HINT HINT my sister . . . . ) We really enjoyed LETTERS TO JULIET . I LOVE anything to do with Italy , but it was a darling movie . The young male actor reminded me so much of Heath Ledger . I miss Heath . Afterward , Mom and I went to visit Dad in ICU . Mom and I had to dawn our masks , gloves and blue plastic robes . We put them over us , keeping our purses over our shoulders . We each cracked up at one another as we looked like blow up Michelin Men . Dad looked so much better , even his upper lip was not as swollen . He was much easier to understand when he spoke to us . His nurse told us last night he had not been putting out any urine and his blood pressure was very low . They increased fluids through his IV and he had done much better today . He told us we were " life savers " for coming to visit . I fed him two cups of chocolate ice cream and he drank an entire large cup of water through a straw . I noticed he could lift his head up and not recoil in pain and hold his neck like he did Friday in the ER . That 's awful fast healing for a 89 year old ! ! ! The nurse told us Dad was a delight and was no trouble at all . Dad told us he wanted to marry her . We all laughed . We told her he will not ask for anything , so please ask if he is hungry , warm enough etc . I shared with her what his favorite snacks were . Dad told me he had been cold last night , so we got him another blanket and put it on him and got him all cozy . I told him how lucky he was he did not break any bones . Dad agreed . I asked him again what had happened . He told me he was trying to get in the wheel chair . When I asked how he got outside , he said , " Oh yeah , I wanted to go get some ice cream . " I asked if he was walking too fast and he told me , " NO ! I was running ! " He told me , " I fell hard in the street " and then winced , like he remembered it . . . I reminded Dad it was Mother 's Day so he sang Happy Mother 's Day to each of us . He took Mom 's hand and kissed it . We threw kisses , which seem so sterile with all the protective garb we have to wear . . . and he threw a return kiss to each of us . My sister and I took an early morning walk to relieve stress and talk . We all want answers as to how Dad got so banged up . My sister can not believe Dad walked out on his own . She has not seen him walk for over 6 months . He is always in his wheel chair . One time she helped him into bed and he almost fell just doing a slow , two step shuffle from the wheel chair to his bed . My sister and I decided to go to the nursing home and see if there was any tell tale signs of his fall . We suspected he may have fallen by a slump stone planter in front of the building . . . Unfortunately , there was no blood or it had been washed away . We walked in both directions from the entrance of the nursing home and found something that looked like blood drops , almost to the corner near a busy street . But we are only guessing . When we went inside and asked the nurses , one male nurse got Dad 's chart and told us he had not been there in 3 days . He started to read aloud the events from May 7th and then began to whisper inaudibly , so we could not hear . He summarized , telling us he had been found on the ground with abrasions and lacerations to his head and face . We corrected him , telling him we had seen the paramedic report and Dad had been found outside the building . I had taken pictures of Dad with my cell phone . I showed him one of the pictures . He recoiled and apologized profusely . Doctor - Doctor came around the corner and hugged us . She told us she would get someone to call the person who had found Dad . While they were gathered around the phone and talking , the gentleman who had tried to " sugar coat " the report , came out and asked for us to send the pic of Dad to the phone number he handed us . My sister sent the picture . We went to the hospital and visited Dad in the CCU . When we checked in at the nursing station , we were told Dad tested positive for MRSA ( Methycillin Resistance Aureus ) , Basically , it is a staphylococcus and is resistant to some antibiotics . Bactroban ointment is applied inside the nostrils . Apparently it is quite common in nursing homes . . . My sister and I had to put on gloves , masks and gowns to visit Dad . We tried to wake him , but it was clear he was very exhausted . He hardly slept a wink yesterday in the ER . We decided to let him rest and left . Since I was closest to Dad in the ER , kissing him , assisting in wiping and touching his blood , holding his hands and getting close to him to hear what he was trying to say . . . I may have been exposed to it . When I told my daughter with my two grand sons , she and I both felt it would not be worth the chance of me visiting , and then the boys getting sick . I was so disappointed . . . . I will have to go see my physician when I return and get swabbed and tested for it . I left my sister 's after we ate lunch , and drove to Mom 's . We had plans to go out to dinner . Shortly after I arrived , my youngest brother , his girlfriend and her son arrived . They wanted to visit Dad . We offered to watch her six year old son , since he would not be allowed to visit . Dad was emotional seeing them and thanked them for coming . He was still very confused . Both of them could not believe how badly Dad was hurt . He really looked like he had been in a fight . . . or fell repeatedly on the ground . . . We invited my niece to join us for a late dinner . We wanted to buy our tickets for a special preview of Letters to Juliet for Mother 's Day . It was almost 11pm by the time we got home . . . both Mom and I fell asleep on the couch trying to watch TV . . . better catch some z 's before tomorrow . At 5 : 51am my cell phone rang . My youngest daughter was sleeping on the couch because my snoring kept waking her . The call woke her up again . It was the nursing home . The message said Dad had another fall , was found on the ground , had some cuts / lacerations and taken by ambulance to the ER . I assumed Dad had fallen from his bed or wheel chair again . I called the nursing home . I was told again , Dad was found on the ground , was conscious and responsive and sent to the ER . I asked if he had the padded alarms on the floor around his bed and was told he did . I called the hospital and spoke with the ER nurse . Dad had just arrived . She said Dad might need stitches . They planned on doing a CT Scan and x - rays . I told her under NO CIRCUMSTANCES did we want him sedated for the CT Scan . I explained he had Dementia / Alzheimer 's . I gave her my cell phone number and told her I was on my way . I got on the Internet and familiarized myself with the route to the hospital . While I was getting dressed , the ER doctor called inquiring why we did not want Dad sedated . I explained my mother in law had been sedated for a CT SCAN and became a zombie , never recovered , went down hill and died shortly after . He told me his name and I assured him I would get there as soon as I could . I called Mom and She had received a call from the nursing home too . She had a 9am appointment with the bank regarding the Medi - Cal requirements . She told me she would meet me at the hospital as soon as she was done . Being sleep deprived and emotionally preoccupied , I got lost , but arrived in the ER by 8 : 30am , thanks to the navigating skills of my eldest daughter directing me on my cell . Walking into the ER , I was unprepared for what I saw . Dad 's nose and upper lip were swollen and bloody . I could not even see the separation between his nostrils . The skin on the bridge of his nose , temples , shoulders , knees were raw as if he had scraped away several layers of skin . He looked like he was in a head on auto crash ! I did not want him to see the horror on my face , so I gathered my composure and joked with him , asking if he was chasing pretty women again . . . We could barely understand Dad when he tried to speak . His upper lip was so swollen and difficult for him to form words . I could not believe he did not chip any teeth ! He babbled in response , but I could only make out a few words . He could not tell us what happened . . . He looked like he fell face first . Blood pooled in both eyes and ran down his neck from his ears . Skin was raw and scraped from his temples and cheek . I could see cuts on the side of his nose . He had assorted cuts on his face and fingers . His fingers and hands were swollen and bruised . . . A male and female in navy scrubs were cleaning the blood off Dad 's face . There was a lot of blood . I kept telling myself the face has tons of capillaries and always bleeds a lot . . . He had a cervical collar on his neck and kept complaining to me about the back of his head hurting . Dad does not complain . Not knowing how hard he hit his head , I just told him it was the collar he had on , and after they checked the x - rays , they would take it off . . . I asked the attending nurse and doctor if they were told how it happened . Did he fall on his wheel chair ? Did he fall out of bed on his face ? What the HELL happened ? The nurse took me aside showing me the Paramedics report : Patient found outside of nursing home on sidewalk , laying on his left side at 5 : 20am . I was in shock . I excused myself and asked for the nearest phone . I had to raise some hell . . . I called the nursing home and asked for the Director of Nursing . She had just come into work and did not know what had happened . I told her Dad looked like he had been in a head on auto accident ! She told me she was looking into what happened and to please call her back . As I walked back to Dad 's bedside in the ER , a doctor walked up to me and introduced himself to me as the doctor I had spoken with this morning . He told me they were waiting for the results of the x - rays but the CT Scan had showed a subdural hematoma on his brain . He told me so far , it was a slow , small bleed and they would stop Dad 's blood thinners and give him platelets , to aid in clotting . He told me they would check him hourly for neurological damage and concussion . If the bleed increases , he told me they would have to contact a neurosurgeon to cut his brain open to relieve the pressure . I pivoted around and went back to the wall phone . The operator told me the Director of Nursing was in a meeting . I asked for the Administrator . . . same thing , in a meeting . I told the operator THIS IS IMPORTANT , and told her who I was and it was regarding my father . She told me to hold on , and then the Director of Nursing was on the phone . . . I told her about the bleeding on the brain . She told me she was viewing the security cameras and it showed Dad leaving his room around 5am . He was last checked at 4 : 30am . I asked how Dad could walk out of his room and get past two nursing stations and through a heavy , alarmed door ? She told me maybe the alarm didn 't go off . I told her Dad still had his alarm bracelet on his wrist . She apologized and told me she was still investigating and did not have all the answers . . . She asked me to please keep her informed . I called my brother and asked him to update the family . I told him about the bleed and said he should let everyone know so they could decide on coming down . . . I choked back tears , praying for God not to Dad die . My blood was boiling ! How could Dad even walk ? He is ALWAYS in his wheel chair ? How could the staff not see him ? Not hear the alarm ? How could he get past that heavy security door and get outside ! ? ? I knew if I allowed myself to obsess about HOW it happened , I would not be present for Dad . I willed the blood in his head to stop bleeding . He had to be so sore and so frightened . Right now , he was the priority . . . I returned to Dad . Dad was upset and talking , but was impossible to understand through his swollen lip and weakened state . He kept calling for his Doctor Doctor to take care of him . He became angry that they had taken him away from her . . . the last thing we needed was for him to become agitated or combative . . . Again , I ran to the wall phone . I asked the Director of Nursing if Dad 's Angel was working today . She told me she was not sure . I explained Dad was asking for her and wondered if she might be able to come over . No later than 15 minutes later , Dad 's Doctor - Doctor suddenly appeared magically , just like the Angel she is . . . Doctor - Doctor returned to work , spending her lunch hour visiting Dad . Mom and I were like exposed nerves , raw with emotion . There were three children under five screaming and crying with pain . A man next to Dad was retching and vomiting in pain , attempting to pass a kidney stone . It was horrible . During the course of the 10 hours in the ER , we were told Dad miraculously , did not break his neck or any bones . So far , no concussion and the neurologist felt the bleed would resolve itself . . . but would take a long time . Dad would have to stay in CCU on the 3rd floor and we had to wait until a room became available . Around 6pm , Dad was transferred upstairs to the 3rd floor to CCU . Mom and I waited in the CCU waiting room while they changed Dad out of his bloody gown and got him situated in his new room . We told him we would see him the next day and for him to get some rest . We asked the nurses to get him a milk shake or something to eat . He barely drank any water and refused anything to eat . He was in and out of sleep after they gave him some pain pills . Mom drove me to my car and dropped me off . She left for home . I was to leave and drive to my sisters , but I could not find my cell phone . The battery had died in the ER , so I wanted to plug it in to my car charger . Could not find it . I raced out of the car to see Mom 's tail lights turn left out of the hospital parking lot . CRAP ! I rushed back into the hospital and up to the 3rd floor . I searched the entire waiting room , which is where I had realized my cell was dead . I checked with the nursing station to see if anyone had turned in a cell phone . No luck . Went down stairs and checked with security . Nothing . I borrowed the hospital phone and called my sister to ask her to call Mom and see if it fell out in her car . I told my sister I would be late getting to her house . Made it to my sister 's by 8pm . She and her husband took me out to dinner . When we returned to her home , we got comfy in our PJ 's , she made me some tea and put one of her special hot rice bags on my aching back . Almost immediately , I passed out in the chair . . . it was one hell of a day . I am not an authority on Alzheimer 's . I am just like so many of us whose lives are suddenly altered by this insidious disease . I have been in support groups , and had experience in care giving for my Mother in Law and my Father . I am also my Father 's advocate . If any of you are experiencing Alzheimer 's / Dementia of a parent , spouse , sibling or friend , please feel free to vent , inquire , ask for support or a supportive ear and I will do my best to help or listen . For medical questions , I have some nurses following me who have been so supportive and helpful . I do not know what I would have done without their expertise and advice . You are welcome to comment publicly in the comment section at the end of each post , or to email me privately at donnab6464 @ gmail . com . God Bless all of you . Donna

I called Dad this morning to wish him a happy Memorial Day . The nurse told me he had a visitor . She described my sister , Holly . I called her cell and she put me on with Dad . He sounded wonderful ! So happy , I could hear his big smile . She emailed this picture of Dad to all of us . She took an American flag to him and attached it to the back of his wheel chair . Dad told me it was a beautiful day and he was having a wonderful time with Holl Doll , Dad 's nick name for her . I told Dad how much I loved him and I wanted to thank him for all he went through , fighting for our country . He said he was so happy and proud to be a Marine . I told him we were proud of him as a Marine , but also very thankful he is our Dad . He thanked me as his heart poured over with love as he expressed his love for the entire family . . . He told how much he loved all the great grand children , grand children , his children and all his family and friends . He was very PROUD , PROUD , PROUD , PROUD of his boys and girls . . . . When Dad says ' his boys & girls ' , he not only refers to his four sons and two daughters , but also his six grand sons , six grand daughters and his two and a half great grand sons . One of his most precious possessions is a white sweatshirt with the first names of each of his twelve grand children , listed down the front in two columns . Dad served in the Marine Corps and was in the Second Marine Division fighting in the Battle of Tarawa . It is known as one of the bloodiest battles in Marine history . None of his six children , grand kids or great grand kids would have been born had he died on that beach over those three days of constant battle . For Mother 's Day my sister Holly gave Mom and I a frame with a flower she hand made . I have meant to take a picture of it to share with all of you . She is going to post a video of step by step instructions on her blog tomorrow on how YOU can also make this flower . You can glue to flower to almost anything . I finally captured a good portrait of Izzy and put it in the frame . . . here it is : Mom went to visit Dad . Dad was in the dining room , finishing his lunch . He had not finished his spaghetti and did not want anymore . Mom helped him with his ice cream , but he stopped , telling her he had enough , because it was too cold . She fed him his custard with no complaints and then watched him woof down a fruit plate . She wheeled him down to the alcove and they visited for awhile . Mom told him about her retirement luncheon , and the thank you card from his sister 's granddaughter . Mom had sent a small check for her college graduation from both of them . Dad smiled and said it was nice . Mom 's job was abolished after fifteen and a half years . She was in charge of attendance . She would call all the parents of the high school kids who missed classes . She works for a second chance high school , for kids who became pregnant in school or caused trouble . When school ends for the summer , Mom 's job ceases . I wonder who will take her place and follow up on the attendance ? Or will they just stop checking ? Mom told Dad about her plans to do some things around the house and Dad asked , " Which house ? " Mom repeated , " our " house . He asked again , " Which one ? " Mom described their home by the street name . Dad asked what about his mother 's home in Pasadena , where we lived when I was a child . . . Mom told him that house was sold and Dad smiled and said he didn 't think so . Dad talked about his " friend " and what funny stories they told each other . Dad chuckled as he thought of it . He started sliding down in the wheel chair and Mom asked if he was tired . He agreed , and said he was ready for a nap . Mom told him she would put him down for a nap . He asked her , " Where ? " Mom explained she would get help to put him in his bed . She wheeled him back to his room , stopping at the nurses station to find out who his nurse was . Doctor - Doctor is off on Fridays , so the assigned nurse immediately helped Dad into bed . The nurse told Mom Dad had been up since 9am . They had been helping him walk in the hallway , so he was probably tired . Mom kissed Dad good - bye and left his room . I finally got through to Dad later in the afternoon , around 4 : 15pm . He sounded tired and weary . I asked about his visit with Mom . He told me she looked glorious , as usual . I was concerned about his confusion and was concerned about him not finishing two of his favorite foods . . . spaghetti and ice cream . I keep wondering if that hole from the lost filling on his upper left side , will be a problem . Medi - Cal refuses to fill it . They prefer to wait and pull it " if " it bothers him . That is the dumbest treatment plan I have ever heard . . . Dad cut our conversation off short . He told me once again he was tired and wanted to go to sleep . I worry about that bleed on his brain . . . is that why he seems to be sleeping so much ? I still have not heard back from his primary care physician . . . . he has not answered my email or called me . Tuesday , I will call the social worker to have an x - ray of that tooth to make sure it is not abscessed or decayed to the point of an exposed nerve ; and call Dad 's doctor about the monitoring . Today , my daughters in California , went to register the younger one , at Target , for her upcoming baby shower . Afterward , they went to see SEX AND THE CITY ( part II ) . After the show , they went to TGIF for lunch . I had called to let them know , I would see the movie here in Nevada . They are huge fans of the TV series and saw the first movie . We all looked forward to discussing it afterward , as if we had all three gone together . . . I dressed up , put jewelry on and everything . . . and away I went . I sat next to a couple of gals around my age , but they were not into sharing the experience with a stranger . . . they even talked during the movie ! ! Very bad form . . . I really liked the first SATC , and this one had some funny parts , maybe it is just me . . . but it kind of bugged me they filmed it in Abu Dhabi . Did some Sheik put up the money for the film ? Maybe it was an excuse to spend the reported million dollars on the clothes . . . Part of the mystique of the four woman is New York . . . and the majority of the movie was far , far , from New York . . . Ran some errands after the movie and then took myself out to lunch . I had left Izzy alone at the house for five and a half hours . When I opened the door , there she was , wagging that curly tail and so happy to see me . The DON read the list of Dad 's medications . He finished his antibiotics for the UI on 5 - 16 - 10 and finished the bacterim for the MRSA on 5 - 21 - 10 . At this particular time , Dad is off all blood thinners until further orders from Dad 's doctor . Dad is on stool softners and laxitives for constipation . The nursing home is keeping Dad on the continued orders from his hospital admission notes . Dad takes a multi - vitamin with Iron , but the DON assured us it was not enough to cause any trouble . Dad is anemic . Again , diagnosis from the hospital . Did the brain bleed cause it ? The DON did not know and asked me to ask the doctor . I will be sending an email to the doctor with my questions . . . I also want to know what else are they doing to monitor Dad 's brain bleed ? They also ordered a third pair of eye glasses for Dad . Dad has lost or given away his last two pairs , saying , " Someone needed them more than he did " . We suggested getting one of those necklace things to hold the glasses around his neck . I asked what they felt were the reasons Dad keeps getting the urinary tract infections . The DON stated hygiene , for a possible reason . I told her , Dad would NOT be at fault in that situation . She also stated Dad did not drink enough water . Again , would not the nursing home be responsible for that as well ? ? The nursing home staff offer water every two hours , but if Dad refuses , they move on and ask later . They can 't force him to drink . ( Every time my sister and I are there , he guzzles two cups of water for us . ) I asked if his prostate issues would contribute to the UI . First the DON told me no , then when I explained to her that Dad 's prior doctor ( before he was admitted ) explained to me that the enlarged prostate can put pressure on the kidneys or bladder making it more difficult to urinate , or to make him go more often . I asked if Dad is not drinking enough water , wouldn 't that complicate his problem ? The DON then agreed with me . With all Dad 's medical issues , and this recent fall , we decided Mom and my second to the oldest brother K ___, ( who is the Executor ) need to review the DNR paperwork . We all agreed it is better to get that order straightened out now , rather than in the midst of an emotionally difficult situation . Hopefully , Dad 's doctor will answer my email questions soon . . . My sister visited Dad . He is still wearing his sombrero . Maybe Doctor - Doctor gave it to him ? Dad was in his wheel chair , in the activity room , getting ready to sing church songs . She took him outside on the patio to enjoy the strawberry shake she had bought him . It was a beautiful , blustery day . My sister said it had rained last night and some this morning . The sky was an incredible blue with lots of fluffy clouds . Dad had shorts on and with the cold strawberry shake , he was chilled . Doctor - Doctor came out to say hi , and when she saw Dad she quickly ran back inside to get him a blanket . Here is a picture of Dad and his Angel , Doctor - Doctor . Look how well Dad looks ! ! He is just flat out amazing how quickly he heals ! ! ! He had his sombrero and mask on , but it was OK to take it off once he was on the patio . Dad laughed heartily every time Doctor - Doctor rolled her " R 's " and said , " Mariachi " to him . She really brightens his day and it is so easy to see her genuine affection for him . Dad began to spin a story of how he had played a round of golf with his " ladies " and how he blasted a ball with a 5 iron , getting a hole in one . He boasted how his score was so much better than everyone else . My sister listened intently , smiling with joy and so grateful he seems back to his happy self . . . Dad heard everyone singing and wanted to return so he could join them in song . My sister wheeled him back in and kissed him good bye . She hugged him big enough for the entire family and told him how much everyone loves him . My second to the oldest brother and Mom went to visit Dad this afternoon . Dad was asleep . They woke him , but it took him some time to rally . He thought my brother was my youngest brother . . . I trust his confusion is the fluid on the brain . I plan to call the doctor and ask if they are monitoring the fluid in any way . . . They could not believe how fast Dad is healing . His face and hands look great ! I hope one of them took a picture of Dad so we can all see how well he is doing . . . Dad had one of the face masks on . Mom hates them . When we had to wear them when we visited him in the hospital , Mom kept going out of the room , and pulling it down , so her nose could pop out . She has horrible claustrophobia . Today is suppose to be the last day of his treatments for the staph infection . The CNA came in to help get Dad in his wheel chair . When she wheeled him out to Mom and my brother , Dad was sporting a big sombrero . Dad seemed to enjoy the attention he got from wearing the sombrero and his mask . He got a kick out of it . Later , while they were all talking in a visiting area , Dad suddenly grabbed the sombrero off his head and told them to " Get this damn thing off ! " . Dad began rambling about something , but between his soft , garbled voice behind the mask , they did not really understand , but nodded in agreement . My brother asked Dad if he would promise to not go outside any more . Dad told him he had learned his lesson and promised he would stay inside . They noticed Dad 's crooked fingers . All of us seem to have them . Dad and I have the same crooked middle finger on our right hand . When my husband and I visited Dad the last time , Dad was belly laughin ' himself silly with our crooked fingers and my husband 's " excellent fingers " . Mom said she found it difficult not sharing family news with Dad . I don 't know why she feels like that . I share everything with Dad . Some times it registers , some times not . Well . . . those people came to look at our house yesterday . For starters , the Realtor was lost and while I was on the phone giving her directions , the woman and her husband were knocking on our front door . . . A HALF HOUR EARLY ! ! They were kind of pushy . The man kept trying to pet Izzy and I politely explained she is afraid of men . He kept at it . I reminded him she was rescued and had been abused . Still kept it up . She barked at him and I did not correct her . THE IDIOT ! He sat himself down like we were loving relatives and made himself at home . The woman has a sister in Pennsylvania . The couple live in our community ( bought a resale ) and have the same model we do . She went on and on how beautiful their house is , and the view they have of the Strip from their front door . . . GREAT ! I told her I was happy for them . The Realtor started in on how the prices are dropping . . . I know that is BS due to our appraisal . The lady asked if we wanted to sell , and I said , " If the price is right . We are holding FIRM on our price . " There are only three of our models for sale right now . The realtor had told me they wanted ours . Finally , they left . I received no phone call from the Realtor , so I doubt they are serious about buying . I am sure the other models available are lower than we are . I had called the retirement community in Hemet , CA , where we were considering moving before , in the morning before they came over . Ironically , the home and lot we liked , is still available . In fact the home next to it was sold , so they are building the one we liked on spec . " IF " we wanted it . . . we have until June 10th to make our changes . . . They still have the incentives they had last month . . . . but their HOA is over three times the amount of the one we pay now , because they have a third less homes in their community . They have also increased the price of the house . We sign the final papers for our Reverse Mortgage this afternoon at 4 : 30pm . I asked my husband if we should call the Realtor . . . and delay doing the Reverse Mortgage . He doubts their interest from what I told him . They did not compliment the house , only the landscaping . He said if they want to buy it , we will up the price to absorb the fees for the Reverse Mortgage . So for now . . . that is that . . . Finally was able to speak with Dad . I had them wake him up from his nap . He sounded very , very garbled . I keep wondering if that is from the bleed on his brain . . . He sounded tired . He complained of his " internal problems " , telling me he was not too happy about it . I know what he meant . He really hates the incontinence . I can 't blame him . I would hate it too . I reminded him what he always used to tell me , to think positive . . . look for all the positives you can find . . I am pretty sure Doctor - Doctor is off today . She was off last Friday when he returned to the nursing home . So , I told him he could look forward to seeing her tomorrow . He told me he knew I was right and he is trying , but it is so difficult . . . My heart aches for him . Talk about an exercise in humility . . . Dad is gaining some strength back with his physical therapy . He is back in the wheel chair and going to the dining room for meals . I am so proud of him ! The nurse at the nursing home called me today as promised . She checked with Dad 's primary physician and he told her Dad had two chest x - rays prior to his discharge from the hospital and all was clear . The doctor said Dad does not have pneumonia . . . great news . Had a nice lunch at Macaroni Grill with my girlfriend . We checked out TJ Max and Ross . I bought three outfits for my newest grand son , soon to arrive toward the end of September . I spoke with my eldest daughter this morning about the co - ed baby shower she is planning for her sister in August . She is extremely capable and can handle it completely by herself , but that does not make me feel any less needed . I will contribute financially to make it happen , bring gifts and attend . . . but I would much prefer to be there in the planning stages . I hate it when I doubt myself . Are we doing the right thing with this Reverse Mortgage . . . What if the housing market stays the way it is ? What if we still can 't sell our home without giving it away in two years to three years ? These are very difficult times . As my husband is always saying , " It all comes down to money . . . " I came home and there was a message on our machine from a Realtor . She had a client interested in our home . I called her to let her know we had taken the house off the market . I was surprised when she explained she knew it was off the market , but her client is a sister to a woman who lives in my community . She had sent our Internet pictures to the sister , who anxiously wants to live closer to her . The Realtor asked if we would consider letting her see our home . Unfortunately , the nurse I had spoken with on Sunday about leaving a note for Dad 's doctor to check him for pneumonia , did not ask the doctor . When I called , after not hearing from her , I was told by the other charge nurse , no such note was on Dad 's chart . She explained the other nurse had left for the day . She apologized and promised she would make sure a note and phone call would be made to Dad 's doctor . I did not connect with Dad today either . . . he was sleeping or eating the two times I called . Both phone calls , I was assured Dad was doing very well . Dad 's spirit constantly amazes me . For me , he has always been a man of calm strength . Today was over cast and very windy . This year has had the strongest winds . in the close to five years , living here . The winds howled , causing Izzy to growl and investigate the various noises from the winds through the house . . . . By 5 : 30pm I could not keep my eyes open and laid down on the couch for a quick " cat nap " . I awoke at 9pm . My dear husband had already cooked dinner for us , keeping my dinner warm in the microwave . What a lucky woman I am . My sister went to visit Dad today . I did not post how he looked 10 days ago after he fell . . . But trust me , it was too graphic to show ! We are all totally amazed at how quickly he is healing ! In the ER , his entire upper lip was swollen and you could not see the bottom of his nose , where the nostrils are divided . He looks so good ! When she first arrived , Dad was getting a sponge bath and a shave . Dad 's bruises are starting to turn yellow . Dad was so happy to see her . He is still too weak to get out of bed , so she sat on the edge of his bed during their visit . She asked him again if he could remember how he fell . Immediately , he told her he was running and he fell flat on his face . He did not remember anything else . He has consistently told us this story , and it seems to piece together within the time line , so that is probably what happened . He most likely saw the lights from the Jack n the Box across the street and began to run for some ice cream . He told her how good it was to be back with Doctor - Doctor and all his other friends . The juice girl came by with her little cart and asked Dad if he would like some Lemonade . " SURE ! I WOULD LOVE SOME GOOD TASTING DRINKS ! " , Dad blurted out . My sister watched him drain the first one and went to get him a second , which he drained in short order . Dad told her how much he loves ice cream , and she reminded him there is a note on his food chart that says just that . Dad smiled . He asked her if he had been on a ship . . . . and she told him maybe he had dreamed of it . He asked if he had been in Chicago . Dad was born in Chicago . She said he seemed confused at times and very coherent . Dad thanked my sister for coming . She assured him the entire family sent their love , are happy he is healing and doing so much better . Bless his heart . Pretty impressive for an 89 year old . . . even if he keeps telling us he is 98 . Mom went to visit Dad this morning . Apparently Doctor Doctor had tried to give Dad a shower , but he was too weak and could not stand . The physical therapist evaluated Dad and will set up some gentle exercise to rebuild his strength . Several of the familiar staff , who are so good with Dad , came by to visit with Mom and welcome Dad back home . They have changed Dad 's room to one closer to the nursing station . He has an updated wrist alarm which will be checked monthly . He will have the padded floor alarm around his bed , so if he gets up , an alarm will sound . Mom said Dad had a cough . Hopefully , it is nothing serious . When I call back later on today , I will ask . Last May , before he was admitted , he got pneumonia from lying around convalescing from his leg ulcers . . . Dad told Mom he had a brother named Don . Dad was named after an Uncle Don . He had no brothers , just four sisters . Dad named all his sisters except his youngest sister who passed away almost two years ago . Mom helped him with a hint , telling Dad his youngest sister had the same name as their family yacht . Dad smiled and said , " Jessie Mae " . Dad began reminiscing his memories sailing with his uncle and father . The uncle had made an impression on Dad when he told Dad , to " HIT THE DECK " . Dad then related how during the Battle of Tarawa , when Dad heard a missile whistling toward him and the other Marines , while they were digging fox holes . Dad yelled , " HIT THE DECK " and saved all their lives as they all dove deep into their holes in the sand . My grandfather was an inventor . Dad remembered a fire in his Dad 's shop . Dad watched as his Father quickly threw hand fulls of sand and put out the fire . Dad used that vivid memory to put out flames near the gasoline drums near the fox holes . Dad knew the fire from the missile explosion , would cause the drums to explode . Dad ordered the men around him to help scoop sand from the beach onto the hissing drums and fire . They successfully extinguished the fire . Dad closed his eyes and began to dose . Mom asked if he would like to take a cat nap before his lunch . Dad opened an eye and told her he hopes he gets more ice cream on his lunch tray . . . Mom said she would make sure of it . . . Last night , a Neuro Surgeon called me after reviewing Dad 's 2nd CT Scan . He explained Dad had fluid on the brain ( subdural hydroma ) . He proposed drilling a hole in Dad 's skull , under general anesthesia , to release the fluid on the surface of Dad 's brain . . . . I knew Dad was not in pain . I have been calling twice a day talking to him or his nurses . I asked the Doctor what would happen if we did not do the surgery . He told me Dad would most likely be sleepy or more demented . It may or may not resolve itself . I told him I would discuss it with my family , but I was almost certain we would not want to put Dad through brain surgery . Dad used to forbid us to even say the word " dementia " in his presence , let alone admit he had it . He was convinced , it would mean " exploring his brain " or " using him for experiments " . Dad used to be a Volunteer Chaplain in both hospitals and nursing homes for over 15 years . He is well schooled in patient rights . He would want to know why a Neuro Surgeon was seeing him ! He would have to go kicking and screaming against his will to have brain surgery . I emailed the family and talked with one of my brothers and my sister over the phone . We all agreed to not do the surgery . As long as he is not in pain , we will not put Dad through it . We would rather lose him from complications from the fall , than watching him go further down the dead end road of Alzheimer 's . I spoke with the Neuro Surgeon again this morning . I needed the reassurance , once again , that if we did nothing , Dad would not be in pain . He gave me that reassurance . I explained the results of our discussion and he was very understanding . He said he would put a note of our conversation in Dad 's chart . He further told me it would be up to Dad 's primary care physician to determine when Dad was well enough to return to the nursing home . I have tried twice to speak with Dad this morning . Our last conversation on Wednesday , when they were going to do the CT Scan , his voice was very garbled . Probably from the huge scab covering the opening of his nostrils . He talked non - stop . I could tell he was scared . Each time I called he was getting a bath or sleeping . The nurse said to try again in a half hour , when he will be eating his lunch . Happily , Dad 's appetite has returned . I feel like a raw , exposed nerve ending . Very sleep deprived and tense . I am so tired , but when I lie down to rest , my mind flashes all my worries and fears regarding Dad . I can 't help but not feel how he must feel . I hate he is alone in that hospital . I wish I could have stayed longer to be with him . . . It is so very sad how , after all my Dad has been through , his life has come to this . . . I cannot imagine being in my Dad 's position . We want to protect him , but we cannot take care of him . I don 't know if I will ever be able to shake that guilt from my psyche . Dad 's primary care doctor just called . After one week in the hospital , from his terrible fall last Friday , he is transferring Dad back to the nursing home this afternoon . . . back to Dad 's Angel , Doctor - Doctor . Dad sounded so excited and happy . He told me how well everyone treated him . . . . Daddy , you are such a gentle spirit . So loving , so caring . All the goodness that you have shown over the years in being played forward to you now . . . May God continue to Bless you and keep you safe . Spoke with Dad this morning . His voice sounded very garbled . He thinks he has dysentary . He told me he was having a CT Scan . I spoke with the nurse and she said if Dad 's brain bleed is not any bigger , Dad might be released back to the nursing home tomorrow . . . Went to my primary care doctor today for a nurse visit . She swabbed my nose for the MRSA . My doctor called me last night and told me the receptionist was wrong , he would do the test for me . They did not even charge me for it ! I should have the results in 48 - 72 hours , but I am sure I am fine . I wanted to thank each and every one of all of my blogging friends for all your kind words , prayers , support , and concern for Dad and our family . Words cannot adequately express how much it means to me . God Bless each and every one of you . I consider myself so very fortunate for meeting all of you . I left Mom 's house at 9am . On the road I called the hospital to check on Dad . The nurse told me Doctor Doctor had some in to visit Dad . After that , Dad was so happy , he told all the nurses he would take care of each and every one of them financially . They all enjoyed that and said he was so sweet when he took his medications . . . God Bless Doctor Doctor . . . I stopped in Baker and enjoyed a Bob 's Big Boy burger , french fries and a side of blue cheese . Aahhhhh , delicious ! When I stopped at the Vets to pick up Izzy , she came out , saw me , and began dancing on her hind feet and begging with her paws for me to pick her up . Oh what a wonderful licking I received ! We were both so happy to see one another ! ! ! I missed her so much . Their meeting went on a half an hour later ( no doubt discussing Dad 's fall ) but at 9 : 30am , I finally spoke with the Director . She said she would check with the Administrator and call me right back . Within five minutes she called back telling me noon would be fine for a meeting . All six of us met out front . My sister and I showed everyone , what looked like blood spots , we had found on Saturday on the sidewalk and all wondered if Dad would have gotten that far . . . It was almost to the corner of a busy street . Jack and the Box was across the street . We all shuttered and were so grateful Dad had not tried to cross that street . Dad had been changed at 4 : 45am and wanted to get up . The CNA told him it was still too early and he should go back to sleep . The CNA went on her rounds to check other presidents . . . The alarm on the security door did not go off , because Dad had an expired wrist alarm on his arm . He has not tried to escape in almost a year , so it was not a priority . NOW IT WILL BE ! His Wander Guard wrist bracelet will be checked weekly . Once the alarm goes off , each nurse and CNA is equipped with a warning buzzer that alerts them on which resident has set off the alarm . None of the family had seen Dad walk in over six months . He has always been in a wheel chair . When we viewed the security video , we all sat with our mouths dropped open , watching Dad walk purposely down the deserted hallways and out the front door . Once outside in the dark , he walked a few steps and then stopped like he was confused . He turned and walked back toward the front door . We could see car lights pass in the residential street in front of the nursing home . As the car passed , Dad turned and went toward the direction of the car . Dad walked out of the view of the camera . . . The security cameras only record movement , apparently they can get a weeks worth of recording , instead of only a few days if it recorded non stop . If Dad walked and stopped , the camera would go on and off . I wanted to see it a couple of times to check the times as I immediately thought of them editing it to hide something . . . Maybe he went into the street toward the car for help and coming back to the sidewalk , tripped on the curb and fell . Regardless , it is a miracle he was not more seriously injured . He could have broken bones , required stitches , broken teeth , broken his neck . . . oh God , we have so much to be grateful for . Thank God that housekeeper found him ! The Administrator apologized profusely and assured us Dad would be fitted with a new alarm , it would check it regularly , and he would be monitored much more closely . He assured us he would normally have a complete written investigative report , but since it happened Friday , they were still gathering all the facts . He took my email to email the final report to me . After the meeting , we decided we would all ( except for my sister , who had to return to work ) would go to our family favorite , Taco Ready for lunch . We spent the next three hours eating , talking , reminiscing and laughing . Lots of laughter . We talked of investigating getting a beach house for a week and all the family getting together . I am going to look into it . I called the hospital to check on Dad . The nurse told me he was yelling his head off . I could hear him in the back ground . I asked to speak to him . When he came on the line I could tell he had not taken his meds . He was slurring his words and telling me I would be sorry if I did not get him out of that hospital RIGHT NOW ! I could not help smiling , thinking he was feeling much better . I let him rant and rave for a few minutes and then asked if would like some ice cream . He did . I asked him to give the phone back to the nurse so I could tell her what he likes . When the nurse returned to the phone , I gave her a list of some of Dad 's favorite foods . I told her to tell Dad Doctor Doctor called and said to tell him , I explained how important she is to him and Dad would listen to her . Doctor Doctor had come Sunday to visit him , so I knew he probably missed her . She thanked me and I told her I would check back later on to see how he was doing . Mom and I finally left them and returned to her house to work on sorting and cleaning out her office . A little before 8pm we drove to In and Out ( another family favorite ) to go , for dinner , returning just in time to watch Dancing With The Stars . Mom was asleep before the second set of dancers . . . I called back to check on Dad and the nurse happily reported what I had suggested worked ! He had taken his medicine , ate some dinner and was resting comfortably . . . . Sleep tight Daddy . . . After church we went out for oatmeal , my treat . Just something light before lunch . Got back to her house and I gave her texting lessons . My sister and I keep teaching her . . . hopefully , this time , it will stick . I helped her with her GMail and got those questions answered . Having pre - bought the show tickets the night before , we drove to Chili 's and met my sister and her daughter . We enjoyed a wonderful lunch and exchanged gifts and cards . My sister was so creative ( as usual ) and made frames for both Mom and I . She also took some of those extra soft comfy socks and swirled them inside a cute pink and white Happy Mother 's Day muffin sized baking cup , making it look like an pink iced cupcake . She made us rice packs which are good for heat or cold . Mine had hearts and a little dog that looked like Izzy . . . ( I would post a pic , but I am still too tired and so far behind in my blog . . . maybe she will post pics on her blog . . . . HINT HINT my sister . . . . ) We really enjoyed LETTERS TO JULIET . I LOVE anything to do with Italy , but it was a darling movie . The young male actor reminded me so much of Heath Ledger . I miss Heath . Afterward , Mom and I went to visit Dad in ICU . Mom and I had to dawn our masks , gloves and blue plastic robes . We put them over us , keeping our purses over our shoulders . We each cracked up at one another as we looked like blow up Michelin Men . Dad looked so much better , even his upper lip was not as swollen . He was much easier to understand when he spoke to us . His nurse told us last night he had not been putting out any urine and his blood pressure was very low . They increased fluids through his IV and he had done much better today . He told us we were " life savers " for coming to visit . I fed him two cups of chocolate ice cream and he drank an entire large cup of water through a straw . I noticed he could lift his head up and not recoil in pain and hold his neck like he did Friday in the ER . That 's awful fast healing for a 89 year old ! ! ! The nurse told us Dad was a delight and was no trouble at all . Dad told us he wanted to marry her . We all laughed . We told her he will not ask for anything , so please ask if he is hungry , warm enough etc . I shared with her what his favorite snacks were . Dad told me he had been cold last night , so we got him another blanket and put it on him and got him all cozy . I told him how lucky he was he did not break any bones . Dad agreed . I asked him again what had happened . He told me he was trying to get in the wheel chair . When I asked how he got outside , he said , " Oh yeah , I wanted to go get some ice cream . " I asked if he was walking too fast and he told me , " NO ! I was running ! " He told me , " I fell hard in the street " and then winced , like he remembered it . . . I reminded Dad it was Mother 's Day so he sang Happy Mother 's Day to each of us . He took Mom 's hand and kissed it . We threw kisses , which seem so sterile with all the protective garb we have to wear . . . and he threw a return kiss to each of us . My sister and I took an early morning walk to relieve stress and talk . We all want answers as to how Dad got so banged up . My sister can not believe Dad walked out on his own . She has not seen him walk for over 6 months . He is always in his wheel chair . One time she helped him into bed and he almost fell just doing a slow , two step shuffle from the wheel chair to his bed . My sister and I decided to go to the nursing home and see if there was any tell tale signs of his fall . We suspected he may have fallen by a slump stone planter in front of the building . . . Unfortunately , there was no blood or it had been washed away . We walked in both directions from the entrance of the nursing home and found something that looked like blood drops , almost to the corner near a busy street . But we are only guessing . When we went inside and asked the nurses , one male nurse got Dad 's chart and told us he had not been there in 3 days . He started to read aloud the events from May 7th and then began to whisper inaudibly , so we could not hear . He summarized , telling us he had been found on the ground with abrasions and lacerations to his head and face . We corrected him , telling him we had seen the paramedic report and Dad had been found outside the building . I had taken pictures of Dad with my cell phone . I showed him one of the pictures . He recoiled and apologized profusely . Doctor - Doctor came around the corner and hugged us . She told us she would get someone to call the person who had found Dad . While they were gathered around the phone and talking , the gentleman who had tried to " sugar coat " the report , came out and asked for us to send the pic of Dad to the phone number he handed us . My sister sent the picture . We went to the hospital and visited Dad in the CCU . When we checked in at the nursing station , we were told Dad tested positive for MRSA ( Methycillin Resistance Aureus ) , Basically , it is a staphylococcus and is resistant to some antibiotics . Bactroban ointment is applied inside the nostrils . Apparently it is quite common in nursing homes . . . My sister and I had to put on gloves , masks and gowns to visit Dad . We tried to wake him , but it was clear he was very exhausted . He hardly slept a wink yesterday in the ER . We decided to let him rest and left . Since I was closest to Dad in the ER , kissing him , assisting in wiping and touching his blood , holding his hands and getting close to him to hear what he was trying to say . . . I may have been exposed to it . When I told my daughter with my two grand sons , she and I both felt it would not be worth the chance of me visiting , and then the boys getting sick . I was so disappointed . . . . I will have to go see my physician when I return and get swabbed and tested for it . I left my sister 's after we ate lunch , and drove to Mom 's . We had plans to go out to dinner . Shortly after I arrived , my youngest brother , his girlfriend and her son arrived . They wanted to visit Dad . We offered to watch her six year old son , since he would not be allowed to visit . Dad was emotional seeing them and thanked them for coming . He was still very confused . Both of them could not believe how badly Dad was hurt . He really looked like he had been in a fight . . . or fell repeatedly on the ground . . . We invited my niece to join us for a late dinner . We wanted to buy our tickets for a special preview of Letters to Juliet for Mother 's Day . It was almost 11pm by the time we got home . . . both Mom and I fell asleep on the couch trying to watch TV . . . better catch some z 's before tomorrow . At 5 : 51am my cell phone rang . My youngest daughter was sleeping on the couch because my snoring kept waking her . The call woke her up again . It was the nursing home . The message said Dad had another fall , was found on the ground , had some cuts / lacerations and taken by ambulance to the ER . I assumed Dad had fallen from his bed or wheel chair again . I called the nursing home . I was told again , Dad was found on the ground , was conscious and responsive and sent to the ER . I asked if he had the padded alarms on the floor around his bed and was told he did . I called the hospital and spoke with the ER nurse . Dad had just arrived . She said Dad might need stitches . They planned on doing a CT Scan and x - rays . I told her under NO CIRCUMSTANCES did we want him sedated for the CT Scan . I explained he had Dementia / Alzheimer 's . I gave her my cell phone number and told her I was on my way . I got on the Internet and familiarized myself with the route to the hospital . While I was getting dressed , the ER doctor called inquiring why we did not want Dad sedated . I explained my mother in law had been sedated for a CT SCAN and became a zombie , never recovered , went down hill and died shortly after . He told me his name and I assured him I would get there as soon as I could . I called Mom and She had received a call from the nursing home too . She had a 9am appointment with the bank regarding the Medi - Cal requirements . She told me she would meet me at the hospital as soon as she was done . Being sleep deprived and emotionally preoccupied , I got lost , but arrived in the ER by 8 : 30am , thanks to the navigating skills of my eldest daughter directing me on my cell . Walking into the ER , I was unprepared for what I saw . Dad 's nose and upper lip were swollen and bloody . I could not even see the separation between his nostrils . The skin on the bridge of his nose , temples , shoulders , knees were raw as if he had scraped away several layers of skin . He looked like he was in a head on auto crash ! I did not want him to see the horror on my face , so I gathered my composure and joked with him , asking if he was chasing pretty women again . . . We could barely understand Dad when he tried to speak . His upper lip was so swollen and difficult for him to form words . I could not believe he did not chip any teeth ! He babbled in response , but I could only make out a few words . He could not tell us what happened . . . He looked like he fell face first . Blood pooled in both eyes and ran down his neck from his ears . Skin was raw and scraped from his temples and cheek . I could see cuts on the side of his nose . He had assorted cuts on his face and fingers . His fingers and hands were swollen and bruised . . . A male and female in navy scrubs were cleaning the blood off Dad 's face . There was a lot of blood . I kept telling myself the face has tons of capillaries and always bleeds a lot . . . He had a cervical collar on his neck and kept complaining to me about the back of his head hurting . Dad does not complain . Not knowing how hard he hit his head , I just told him it was the collar he had on , and after they checked the x - rays , they would take it off . . . I asked the attending nurse and doctor if they were told how it happened . Did he fall on his wheel chair ? Did he fall out of bed on his face ? What the HELL happened ? The nurse took me aside showing me the Paramedics report : Patient found outside of nursing home on sidewalk , laying on his left side at 5 : 20am . I was in shock . I excused myself and asked for the nearest phone . I had to raise some hell . . . I called the nursing home and asked for the Director of Nursing . She had just come into work and did not know what had happened . I told her Dad looked like he had been in a head on auto accident ! She told me she was looking into what happened and to please call her back . As I walked back to Dad 's bedside in the ER , a doctor walked up to me and introduced himself to me as the doctor I had spoken with this morning . He told me they were waiting for the results of the x - rays but the CT Scan had showed a subdural hematoma on his brain . He told me so far , it was a slow , small bleed and they would stop Dad 's blood thinners and give him platelets , to aid in clotting . He told me they would check him hourly for neurological damage and concussion . If the bleed increases , he told me they would have to contact a neurosurgeon to cut his brain open to relieve the pressure . I pivoted around and went back to the wall phone . The operator told me the Director of Nursing was in a meeting . I asked for the Administrator . . . same thing , in a meeting . I told the operator THIS IS IMPORTANT , and told her who I was and it was regarding my father . She told me to hold on , and then the Director of Nursing was on the phone . . . I told her about the bleeding on the brain . She told me she was viewing the security cameras and it showed Dad leaving his room around 5am . He was last checked at 4 : 30am . I asked how Dad could walk out of his room and get past two nursing stations and through a heavy , alarmed door ? She told me maybe the alarm didn 't go off . I told her Dad still had his alarm bracelet on his wrist . She apologized and told me she was still investigating and did not have all the answers . . . She asked me to please keep her informed . I called my brother and asked him to update the family . I told him about the bleed and said he should let everyone know so they could decide on coming down . . . I choked back tears , praying for God not to Dad die . My blood was boiling ! How could Dad even walk ? He is ALWAYS in his wheel chair ? How could the staff not see him ? Not hear the alarm ? How could he get past that heavy security door and get outside ! ? ? I knew if I allowed myself to obsess about HOW it happened , I would not be present for Dad . I willed the blood in his head to stop bleeding . He had to be so sore and so frightened . Right now , he was the priority . . . I returned to Dad . Dad was upset and talking , but was impossible to understand through his swollen lip and weakened state . He kept calling for his Doctor Doctor to take care of him . He became angry that they had taken him away from her . . . the last thing we needed was for him to become agitated or combative . . . Again , I ran to the wall phone . I asked the Director of Nursing if Dad 's Angel was working today . She told me she was not sure . I explained Dad was asking for her and wondered if she might be able to come over . No later than 15 minutes later , Dad 's Doctor - Doctor suddenly appeared magically , just like the Angel she is . . . Doctor - Doctor returned to work , spending her lunch hour visiting Dad . Mom and I were like exposed nerves , raw with emotion . There were three children under five screaming and crying with pain . A man next to Dad was retching and vomiting in pain , attempting to pass a kidney stone . It was horrible . During the course of the 10 hours in the ER , we were told Dad miraculously , did not break his neck or any bones . So far , no concussion and the neurologist felt the bleed would resolve itself . . . but would take a long time . Dad would have to stay in CCU on the 3rd floor and we had to wait until a room became available . Around 6pm , Dad was transferred upstairs to the 3rd floor to CCU . Mom and I waited in the CCU waiting room while they changed Dad out of his bloody gown and got him situated in his new room . We told him we would see him the next day and for him to get some rest . We asked the nurses to get him a milk shake or something to eat . He barely drank any water and refused anything to eat . He was in and out of sleep after they gave him some pain pills . Mom drove me to my car and dropped me off . She left for home . I was to leave and drive to my sisters , but I could not find my cell phone . The battery had died in the ER , so I wanted to plug it in to my car charger . Could not find it . I raced out of the car to see Mom 's tail lights turn left out of the hospital parking lot . CRAP ! I rushed back into the hospital and up to the 3rd floor . I searched the entire waiting room , which is where I had realized my cell was dead . I checked with the nursing station to see if anyone had turned in a cell phone . No luck . Went down stairs and checked with security . Nothing . I borrowed the hospital phone and called my sister to ask her to call Mom and see if it fell out in her car . I told my sister I would be late getting to her house . Made it to my sister 's by 8pm . She and her husband took me out to dinner . When we returned to her home , we got comfy in our PJ 's , she made me some tea and put one of her special hot rice bags on my aching back . Almost immediately , I passed out in the chair . . . it was one hell of a day . I am not an authority on Alzheimer 's . I am just like so many of us whose lives are suddenly altered by this insidious disease . I have been in support groups , and had experience in care giving for my Mother in Law and my Father . I am also my Father 's advocate . If any of you are experiencing Alzheimer 's / Dementia of a parent , spouse , sibling or friend , please feel free to vent , inquire , ask for support or a supportive ear and I will do my best to help or listen . For medical questions , I have some nurses following me who have been so supportive and helpful . I do not know what I would have done without their expertise and advice . You are welcome to comment publicly in the comment section at the end of each post , or to email me privately at donnab6464 @ gmail . com . God Bless all of you . Donna

The first time I ever heard that phrase , I was pinned to the ground behind St . Adelbert 's Grade School in Youngstown . Six fifth - graders had grabbed me and wrestled me down , not that I gave them much of a struggle . I remember how tight my stomach was , how my chest pounded , and how bad I had to pee . And , if a schoolyard can ever become instantly quiet during the lunch recess , St . Adelbert 's did so . Dexter and Pete let go of me . My right arm and left leg were free , not that they did me much good . I was still too afraid to move . I looked toward the voice and ended up being blinded by the sun . " This ain 't right , Joey . You shouldn 't be doing this , " the voice said , coming closer . Another step , and the sun was hidden behind what looked like the biggest grade - schooler that ever lived . But , looking up from the ground , things aren 't always seen as they really are . " This ain 't right , " Scott said again . This time , he turned to look at each of the boys still holding me down . Larry let go when their eyes met . Then Keenan let go . George let go before Scott even turned toward him . " Well , let 's go , " he said , shaking the hand at me . I reached up and grabbed it , and Scott pulled me to my feet . He didn 't even have to lean back , he was so big - or I was so little . " This ain 't right , Joey . And you know it , " Scott said . " You shouldn 't be treating him like that just ' cause he 's new . " Scott ushered me away from the fifth - graders . " Don 't mind them none , " he told me . " They 'll leave you alone - at least for a while . " " Thanks . " I said , although I could hardly hear myself say it . I studied Scott 's face for a moment , seeing it clearly for the first time . He had gray eyes - some would late say they were steel gray , but I don 't think they were ever that hard . He skin was darker than mine - he would later tell me it came from his southern European roots . And his hair was as black as charcoal . He wore an easy smile now as I looked at him ; it was very different from the fierce glare I saw as he faced Joey and the others earlier . I found out later that Scott was in the other fourth grade classroom , across the hall from mine . His birthday was just two days after mine - - on October 5th . Looking at him , I would never have guessed we were the same age . If I hadn 't been there , I would never have believed a single fourth - grader could stand up to a pack of older kids . I glance past the pearl gray of the casket and smile at Scott 's wife , Margaret . Her dark eyes , puffy with tears , tighten my throat . She gives me a weak smile as she pulls the youngest of three Puget girls close . Amanda , only four , says something to her mother who nods in reply . Allyson and Abby Marie , the seven - year - old twins , huddle together on the other side of Scott 's mother . I find it odd to be thinking how Scott 's mother still looks the same these 32 years later as she did when I was nine . When I find my wife 's face among those in the row behind Scott 's family , she mouths , " I love you . " My daughter , Sam - Samantha , pulls on her braided pigtails , which she always does when she gets bored . I wonder what she might be thinking . I wonder what she might do if I were dead now instead of Scott . I can feel the heat of a tear streaming down my cheek . " We all knew Scott was special , " I say , continuing my eulogy . I struggled for hours coming up with that line . My first line had been so easy . But deciding what to say next … . " He was special because , even as a child , he believed that there were actions which were right and actions which were wrong . He always seemed to know which an action was . And he wasn 't afraid to tell someone that an action wasn 't right . There are many stories I could tell you about Scott that would show you how his convictions kept me and others out of trouble . But most of you know them already . " My darling Joan had warned me not to tell too many stories . She told me to pick two or three short ones . She told me it would be enough . She emphasized that I was just reminding people of who Scott was . I wasn 't introducing him to anyone . " But there are so many , " I whined . " I don 't which to choose . " In seventh grade , all of us moved from St . Adelbert 's to the public junior high , Taft . Scott went out for football , which was no real surprise . That he talked me into it , too , was . I never did catch up to my classmates in size . But I could run pretty fast , and I could kick a ball off a tee straight down the field . And Scott told me the team needed me . I even won a game ball , not for kicking the deciding field goal or extra point , but for tackling a return man who had gotten past the rest of the team on the kickoff at the beginning of the third quarter . I was halfway across the field when I saw him break past the last of our guys and start down the sideline . And I ran for all I was worth and got him on the nine . When the other team could only move it six yards and kicked a field goal , we were able to claim a 7 - 3 victory . The coach told me later that he didn 't think I could catch him . After that , I played on punts , too . As a freshman in high school , I got cut from the playing squad , but I stayed on the team as equipment manager . My sophomore year , I was planning on performing the same duties when Scott told me that wasn 't right . I had the ability to be the place kicker , and since last year 's starter graduated , there was no reason I shouldn 't at least try for the spot . I can 't say I had as much fun playing in high school as I did in junior high . The coach and the school took the football as something more than a game . But Scott told me I couldn 't let the pressure get to me - - even after I missed a game - tying field goal in the regionals my junior year . Scott said it wasn 't right to blame me - especially since the field goal was blocked . The line should have done a better job holding back the opposing team . I don 't know if Scott ever convinced Coach Hardwick that it wasn 't my fault , but he seemed to have managed convincing the rest of the team . I don 't think anyone got close to blocking another field goal attempt . Joan told me that was a story more about me than about Scott . She could have someone tell it at my funeral , but it wasn 't right for this one . I noticed Joey Hawthorne sitting toward the back of the church . He would have liked that story . We finally became friends playing football in junior high . He told me that being a runt wasn 't all that bad , after all - high praise from him . " As we celebrated the end of our ninth - grade year , most of us were feeling bigger and more important and invincible than we really were . I guess all boys of that age do . After the dance at the junior high , a bunch of us wanted to continue partying . Someone in the group suggested we go out to the lake . Scott told us he was going home , and that we could head over with him and call our folks . " ' It ain 't right , ' Scott said . " " Several mimicked him , ' It ain 't right . ' And a lot of the guys hooted about it . " " I was torn between following Scott and staying with the rest of the guys . Most of them had just started accepting me in the last year or so , and I sure didn 't want to be cut out of the group . But I knew Scott was right . I hadn 't even asked my folks about staying out after the dance . And I was only a ninth - grader . " " ' Wait up ! ' I finally called out to Scott . I gave the guys around me a quick look , and said , ' You know he 's right about this . ' And I darted after him . " " ' Come on , guys , ' I heard Joey Hawthorne say . And I thought , ' Well that 's that . ' But Joey surprised me and probably all of the rest of the guys when he said , ' Let 's go over to Scott 's . ' " " One by one , we called our folks and told them where we were . Most said we could stay the night . Some asked to speak with Mrs . Puget . And the next thing I knew , parents were bringing sodas and chips . It was a great party . " " Of course , not everyone went over to Scott 's . And some of the ninth - graders did end up at the lake . And there was some drinking and horseplay . And Jack Dempsey drowned out there . None of us ever said anything about it , but we all knew it might have been one of us , if not for Scott . " Scott never smoked . And he didn 't drink until he was 21 . " What are you doing ? " I asked Scott one day when I walked into the music room before choir practice at church . " Shh , " he whispered . " Sister Mary Bernard 's just getting a glass of water . " The he showed me the little pitch pipe he had taken out of the drawer of the desk at the front of the room . He smiled . Then he went to his seat in the back of the room where the bases sat . Before I could ask him anything else , Sister came in . " Ah , I see my kicking tenor and blocking bass are both here . Where 's everyone else ? " I shrugged in reply , then turned and went to me seat on the left side of the room . After I sat down , I turned toward Scott , but he ignored me , looking out the window . And the next thing I knew the room had filled up with the rest of the choir , so I couldn 't even mouth a question to my friend . " We 've got a lot to do today , " Sister said , starting to pass out new music . We have several songs to learn for the first Sunday of Advent . So let 's warm up , shall we ? Everyone find his or her pitch . " She moved back toward the desk as she spoke , just as she always did , and reached into the top desk drawer as she finished her last sentence , which was part of her routine , too . When she felt around for a moment , everyone knew something was wrong . A moment later , she pulled out a piece of tissue paper and a comb . And the whole room burst out laughing . Sister was quiet for a long moment . I wasn 't sure what she was going to do . " You 're a pretty special young man , Scott Puget , " she told him . And then she said , " Thanks , " and gave him a wink . " When we were at Wayne State , Scott and I decided to major in criminal justice . Actually , Scott decided on a major , and I went along because I couldn 't decide on anything I really wanted to study . Scott had decided on police work as his career when he was quite young - I was going to say , from the time he was little , but I don 't think he ever was . " I take a quick look down at Scott 's mom . She nodded when our eyes met . " It was the perfect career for Scott . It gave him a chance to help others do what was right and to help those who had been hurt by someone who had done something wrong . " " Many of you probably don 't know how big Scott 's role in opening the Mead Avenue Family Shelter was . As policemen on the beat , Scott and I encountered more cases of parental and spousal abuse than I would have thought possible in our peaceful town . It was the case of Carolyn Hays that really got to Scott . " After 12 years on the police force , Scott learned to control his emotions very well . When I caught up with Scott that September , he was peering down into the drainage ditch in the back of the wooded lot where five - year - old Carolyn Hays had lived with her father . Even beneath the canopy of trees in the growing darkness of evening , the blue - black bruises on the child 's white neck were unmistakable . " We shouldn 't have to be looking at this , " Scott said . " The dad in custody ? " he asked , turning toward me . There were tears in his eyes . I remember Scott 's telling me , some time later , that the grandmother had called the police on John Hay 's , the girl 's father , several times . And had tried to get the welfare people to take the child away . The grandmother had witnessed the father 's treatment of the girl on several occasions . But the welfare people always gave him a positive review when they investigated . The grandmother then called a neighbor , Hank Rhodes , who would stop by and check on things , maybe stay and have a cup of coffee . Hank Rhodes was John Hays long - time friend . They grew up together , played on the same semi - pro baseball club , and Hank often had " fix - up " problems he would bring to John , who was handy with tools . It was such a natural thing for Hank to stop by that the grandmother was sure that John didn 't even suspect he was sent over . But , Hank had a heart attack . When the grandmother called to say she was worried about her granddaughter , the officer on duty did not dispatch anyone to the scene . It was recorded as another call from the grandmother . One of so many . Nothing had happened in the past . " Carolyn Hays ' death turned Scott into a crusader for some sort of shelter . As Scott worked on the case , he learned Carolyn Hays went to First Baptist Church with her grandmother . And he learned that the grandmother had tried to get Rev . Griffith to help her protect the little girl . The Reverend had felt helpless , as most of us do . " " I can 't tell you how many times I heard Scott say , " It ain 't right . I 'm telling you Bucky , this ain 't right . We shouldn 't be letting this happen . " But I didn 't know he was trying to do something about it himself until Monsignor O ' Brien asked me about it in passing one Sunday after church . " " Scott had been reading up about the problem , and had talked to our sociology teacher back at Wayne State about what different communities the size of Youngstown - even smaller - were doing . And then he was going around to the different churches in town and telling them what he thought needed to be done . He showed all the ministers in town that every one of them had cause to be concerned . Monsignor O ' Brien told me just the other day that until Scott had laid out the facts to him , he had no idea how big the problem was nor how close to home it hit . " " I asked Monsignor O ' Brien why Scott wasn 't there when the shelter was opened . ' He didn 't want to be , ' he told me . Apparently all the ministers tried to convince him that he should be there for the opening , but he refused . Monsignor O ' Brien said that at first he though Scott was being falsely modest . But , after a while , he came to accept Scott 's reasoning : The churches would be funding and running the center , and so they should be the ones to open it . It didn 't matter where the idea came from . ' It 's the right thing to do . Period , ' Scott said . And Monsignor O ' Brien and the other ministers finally agreed . When we were in college , Scott and I traded on our strengths . I was much better in math and science than he was . He was better in literature and history . Wayne state had mandatory study hall for the athletes - including the cheer leading squad . And the academic advisor , Coach Polk , made the rounds of classes during the day to spot check to make sure everyone was in class . Some teachers disliked the attention and help we got , but most welcomed it . Some teachers didn 't give athletes much credit for having any academic skills , but Coach Polk did his best to make sure everyone of his kids was in class and making progress . Our junior and senior years at Wayne State , Scott and I were just two of two dozen or so athletes that tutored during study hall . We were the only two football players that did . Several swimmers and kids on the tennis team did , too . And so did Marquis Jenkins , the all - American center on the basketball team . He was just about the smartest person I think I ever met . Scott was able to read between the lines of a story so much better than I was . I think he felt more than read literature . I didn 't like most of the stuff we had to read . But he helped me understand some of the imagery and themes that I would never have seen on my own . And he was the same with people . He could sense more about them then I could . I was better at looking at the cold hard facts and adding them up , but he was better at sensing the human factors that didn 't always make sense . It 's probably why we were a good team . Back at Wayne State , there was a bit of a scandal in the athletic department our sophomore year . It was probably going on when we were freshmen , too , but we were just too naïve to know about it . As sophomores , Scott and I took the second half of American History , one of the required courses in Wayne State 's core curriculum . We ended up in a class from 1 to 2 : 30 on Mondays and Wednesdays taught by Dr . Clyde Morritz . I thought the guy was about as lively as stagnating water , but Scott said he was pretty funny - in a literary way . And , I have to admit , after I forced myself to listen , he did say some witty things . As we prepared for the first major exam , one of the upper classmen on the team who was also in the class told us we didn 't need to sweat the exam . And a day later he gave us a sheet that had the multiple - choice and true - false answers on it . " Even if you completely blow the essays , you 'll pass with this , " he told us . Scott took the sheet and stuck it in his book and didn 't say a word about it . We continued to study . I didn 't learn until the day of the test that Scott had done anything . I couldn 't believe all the grumbling that was going on . And I didn 't think the test was all that hard . But , as it turns out , only Scott and I and about a quarter of the class passed it . " Okay , I played a part . It just wasn 't right for everyone to be cheating . But all I did was take that sheet of paper to Coach Polk . I didn 't tell him where I got it . I just said I knew this page was floating around the study hall and that I didn 't think it was right , especially since I had worked so hard to prepare for the test in the first place . He told me he would take care of it . " Coach Polk told me later that he went to Dr . Morritz and said that one of his players had seen a sheet of paper with all of the answers on it . At first , Morritz was really mad at Coach Polk . But Coach told him , " Look , I 'm just passing along information that one of my boys told me . I 'm not the one you should be mad at . And I would bet that members of the athletic department are not the only ones with the answers . " Coach said he talked to him a long time . Morritz changed all his tests for that semester . He did allow the students to drop one test score , which had always been his policy . But only a small handful of us got to skip the final exam . Two years ago , my wife and I tried our hand at selling house cleaning products as a sideline . The fact that neither of us liked to sell things , and the fact that we were required to start with so much of so many products that we paid for really put us in a big financial bind . For two months , a large part of our garage warehoused huge boxes of laundry soaps , whiteners , brighteners , hair - care products , and assorted perfumed candles and potpourris . Scott came over one afternoon to borrow my power saw , and laughed as a struggled to make my way through our soap stash to the back wall of the garage where my tools were kept . " What in the world ? " I couldn 't believe we were able to get rid of almost everything . I think we had a couple boxed of the dry bleach and a box of soap left , which we used - and three dozen scented candles which friends have been getting for birthday and wedding presents . We made a small profit , half of which went for a steak dinner that we took Scott and his wife out for . I still can 't believe he was able to help us get rid of that stuff . We never put in a second order to Kirkland . Steak just wasn 't good for Scott 's heart . " I don 't think there was a community function to which Scott failed to lend a hand . Whether it was Pioneer Days or the Harvest Festival or the Winter Holidays Extravaganza , Scott was always there to help build booths , serve food or take tickets , or to clean up afterwards . The same was true at church and for both the Boy and Girl Scouts . " " But I think the one community activity Scott enjoyed the most was going to the grade schools each year and talking to the kids about safety . Many times , over the years , the scheduled safety talks would fall during important investigations to which Scott was assigned . Scott never missed a scheduled talk , no matter how difficult it was to arrange his day to get there . He never canceled . ' It wouldn 't be right to disappoint those kids , ' he always said . ' They won 't understand why I can 't be there . ' And teaching the kids about who strangers were and how to best get help if lost or separated from parents was too important to be postponed . " " Doesn 't he look good , " I heard someone say as my wife and I approached the casket in the funeral home the other day . I looked down and thought , No . His skin was a sallow color I had never seen before . And , although his hair was still the same black it always was , it was different , somehow . The hue was not as intense . The fibers , somehow , thinner and limper as they fell down along his forehead . And his eyes were closed . There was nothing natural about seeing Scott lying there with his eyes closed . Even in college , when he went to sleep , there was movement beneath the lids . But they , too , were still now . He didn 't look good . He didn 't look like Scott . I clear my throat and look down at my notes . " You can get through this , " I tell myself , and I plunge ahead without looking up at the Puget girls or Scott 's wife or his mother . I don 't even look at my wife . " It ain 't right , Scott . " I say feeling my voice quiver as it comes up my throat and out of my mouth . " The most important thing in your life is your family . " My hands are so sweaty , that one of them slips from the side of the lector 's stand that I am using to steady myself . " And they are here - " Scott was always talking about his girls . " You know , my little Amanda is going to be the real heart - breaker of my girls . She is just so sweet . When I have had a bad day , she 'll crawl up into my lap and pat my cheek and tell me that I shouldn 't work so hard . She 'll tell the twins to quit fighting because I 'm tired . She 'll even tell Margaret she needs to fix me warm milk and a bubble bath . " Scott would chuckle that soft chuckle whenever he thought of his girls . " They are all pretty special … . " " … Allyson 's going to be a doctor of some kind , " he told me . " She is fascinated by the body and the way it works . She was always asking Dad about his cancer and his treatments . Margaret tried to discourage her . But Mom told her that Dad wanted to talk about it - a lot more than Mom wanted to hear about it - so it was good for him . And Ally didn 't mind asking about embarrassing things , like going to the bathroom and such , and Dad didn 't mind telling her about it in great detail . To be honest , I didn 't stay in the room and listen when the two of them started discussing his treatment . I do know that Dad told the rest of us to leave him and Ally and his doctor alone a couple of times there toward the end . I think that Ally asked the doctor some pretty tough questions that Dad didn 't know how to ask . " " … Abby Marie is interested in money . I don 't know where she gets it . It 's not like Margaret and I don 't have enough or too much . But she 's always reading about how to make money and keep it and make it work for you . She was only six when she first asked me about her college fund . She wanted to know if I started one for her , or if she needed to start one for herself . And when I told her I had one started for her at the bank , she wanted to know if I could put some of her allowance in there . A little while later , she asked me why I didn 't put the money into such - and - such an account . She had read that it would earn more interest . She already knows where she wants to go to school and about how much it will cost by the time she gets there . I worry that she frets too much about the money . But she sure does know how to make it work . " … I worry about my mom , now that Dad is gone . I worry that I won 't always be there when she needs someone . I asked her to move in with us . She said no . Can you believe it ? She 's alone in that big old house that I grew up in . I told her it was too big for her to take care of by herself . She asked me if I would mow the lawn come summer and shovel the snow in the winter . I promised I would . ' Then . ' she tells me , ' I can manage just fine . And you and your girls don 't need me underfoot . ' Like Mom would ever get in the way . " " … Margaret makes me happy . You know what I mean . I know your wife does the same for you . She doesn 't have to do anything but be there - she doesn 't even have to be there , all you have to do is think about her and it makes you smile and feel warm inside . But she does stuff for you just because … . " We were off duty and were at Glenn 's Tavern having a few beers before heading home for the night . Everything was pretty normal for a Thursday night . A handful of guys were huddled at one end of the bar watching a college game on the tube . The three pool tables were busy , as was the shuffleboard . Scott and I sat near the back , under the old Hamm 's Clock . A couple of guys from the rubber works came in . They sat near us and asked if we had any good cases going . Scott smiled and said , " Like always , nothing we can tell you about . " " What the - ? " Scott said , getting out of his chair and heading toward the door . " Stay away from those windows . Buck , make sure nobody 's hurt . " I made a quick check of the customers in the bar . A few cuts from the fragments of glass from the shattered window . Nothing serious , and someone was attending to each of the injured . I looked through the hole in the window . There were a dozen kids about a hundred feet away on the far side of the street . Scott was looking the other direction . A smaller band was at the end of the block on this side . As I started to come out , Scott was staring at a kid across the street , slowly reaching for his revolver . " I 'm a police officer , Son . I don 't want to hurt you . But you need to put your weapon down . I lowered Scott down to the ground as gently as I could . I felt the warm blood spurt from the gaping hole in his neck . I put my hand against the wound trying to stop the blood . The next thing I remember is the ambulance pulling away from the bar and heading to the hospital . There was the sound of the engine , the crunch of tires as they pulled across the grit of the curb , and the pounding of my heart . But there was no siren . There was no need .

This blog is a bit about everything that comes to mind in the course of my week . Some of it is all about me and some will be about the others . Come along . All is quiet and beautiful this lovely summer day in Burton . The boats are motoring by with biscuits hauling kids behind . Summer has arrived . We would like to keep this weather for at least three months . Our world has been a busy one as we prepare our home for sale . The plan is to have it ready to go on the market in September . If all goes well this will be our last summer here after thirty years . As usual , we cannot believe we have lived here this long although it also feels as if it was just yesterday that we were moving in . Such is life . It is time for us to have a smaller home . But our hope is that someone will want to buy this home rather than simply purchase a house . It appears to be the flavour of the real estate market now that the sellers clear out most of their own things before potential buyers come . We have not been advised to do that other than the odd family photo . And not because our house is spartan . If anything some would find we have more stuff than they would like but the three agents we had through and the real estate appraiser all said it was show ready . We really live in this house and always have so it 's not a show home . We worked hard to create a warm and inviting place for ourselves and our children . From what the realtors tell us we have been successful . A young friend of mine ( who also happens to be my hairdresser ) gave me a copy of her grandmother 's journal to read and to use in a story if I wished . For Rebecca . . do not open is the result of my first attempt at using this interesting description of a woman 's life . I have kept the parts of the journal she gave me pretty well intact and anywhere I had to add a bit of clarity I tried to use her voice . The errors in the journal sections are supposed to be there ! ! Lizzie was not well educated . Lizzie put the phone back on the wall while tears streamed down her cheeks . Lawrence had called to tell her that Brenda had given birth to a baby girl around five in the morning . He sounded close to tears when he told Lizzie the news . That wasn 't like him . He had called her when his son was born and she had heard the absolute joy in his voice at having his first child and a son to bear his name . But this time his voice was softer and a bit wobbly . Lizzie was so relieved when she heard him say that both baby and mom were fine . Maybe that was what was making tears leak from her eyes . Lawrence was her baby , her second son . Her two boys were good sons ; they grew up causing little fuss and stayed close by . Maybe having a girl child in the family was turning waterworks on for her and Lawrence . Wiping her face on her old terry cloth robe Lizzie moved to the wood stove to get it going for the day . The kitchen was much the same as it was the day it was built . There were a few upgrades in the coffee pot and a small microwave but the old cook stove sat by the back wall with hot water still sitting in the small cistern on the side . There was an electric hot water heater sitting behind the stove connected to the pipes running to the kitchen sink and to the upstairs bathroom but Lizzie liked the water warming in the small cistern just the same as it had for over forty years . The cupboards hugged the wall as you came in the back door from the summer porch . They had their third coat of blue - grey paint over the years but the grey streaked counter top was the original . Her favourite rocking chair sat by the window in front of the stove . A cot that had seen many more years than Lizzie herself cozied up between the outside wall and the stove . Her curtains were bright and always fresh , covering the one large window that faced the road . Reaching for a stick of firewood from the wood box she heard a truck pull up out front of her house . It was early for a visitor . She went to the window to see who it was . Matt , her oldest son got outMatt had banked her house with hay bales for the winter . He 'd nailed plastic sheeting over the foundation but the wind tore at it so much before the snow came that he finally brought more bales and put them all around the house . He had spread a couple of them on the driveway but that was way back in November . Snow came in , storm after storm , and without a car , she hadn 't bothered getting her driveway plowed . The straw was now sunk deep into the ruts where the ground had repeatedly frozen and thawed since the beginning of March . The steps and a path to the road were all that was cleared of snow or ice this winter . Her house was practically on the road so when the big Department of Transportation snowplow came roaring past at dawn her whole front lawn and half the driveway was filled with snow . It would freeze and then there was no way any path could be shovelled . Matt would come up and try to talk her into coming to live with him and Shelley until the spring thaw . So far she had managed not to do that . Matt said he figured it was easier for her to stay in her house because he and his wife Shelley climbed the snow banks on the worst days to be sure there was wood for her stoves and food in her cupboards . He would half - threaten that they were going to stop doing this for her , usually after a big storm when she was stuck inside until Matt and Shelley could get up the road . Lizzie wasn 't giving in . If she left for the winter she might never get back . Matt and Shelley had lots of room in their new bungalow . Their youngest child was off to Fredericton going to Community College and the older one was living in Moncton . They were having a good time out on their own in the big cities and had stopped coming home much . Shelley would get cross and they 'd show up for a weekend and try to act like they were glad to be home . But Lizzie could see them getting more distracted and restless as Saturday wore on . By Sunday , they were either on their way back before noon or standing at the window watching for their ride back toLizzie watched Matt until he was around the side of the house where she couldn 't see him . She realized the back door was still locked . She went and opened the door for him . " Hey , ma . How are you today ? " " Well , come in . I 'm just getting the stove going , " Lizzie said , not believing for a second that this was Matt 's reason for being at her door . It was 6 : 30 and no stores were open until at least 8 : 30 . Besides he enjoyed staying in bed longer on weekends . He had always been a boy that was hard to get out of bed on any day . When he grew up he always said he was going to stay in his bed as long as he wanted whenever he could and he had pretty well lived by that . Matt hung his old jacket on a hook behind the stove . Lizzie noticed that he hadn 't taken off his boots at the door . He did take them off at the stove and set them on the floor under his coat . Lizzie shrugged it off thinking that this was not the day to tell him again that she wished he would take his boots off in the porch . She wanted to find out what had brought him to her house this early . If it were something really bad Shelley would have phoned her . But Matt still liked to talk about his concerns or worries with his mother even before he shared them with Shelley . " Coffee Matt ? " Matt turned and gathered up the cards while Lizzie got the iron frying pan from the warming oven and set it on a burner . A bowl of cereal with a banana was her breakfast most days but Matt and she enjoyed a good bacon and egg breakfast when they got a chance . This was going to be one of those times . " Did Lawrence call you about his new baby girl ? " Lizzie asked Matt . " Yes , Shelley answered the phone when he called . " Lizzie put six slices of bacon in the hot pan and moved it to one side . The sizzle brought Matt to the stove . He reached for an egg pan kept in the warming oven . Lizzie got the butter from the refrigerator in the pantry . While Matt buttered the egg pan Lizzie sliced some bread and put two slices in the toaster . Matt would do the egg cooking while she made the toast . Both eggs and toast were finished just as the bacon was crisp the way they both liked it . Lizzie had her new coffee percolator set to come on just before she got up so the coffee was hot and ready . Neither of them would talk until their coffee was poured and the food was on the plates in front of them . Matt had gathered up the cards but he hadn 't straightened the tablecloth back onto the table . Lizzie read the Tarot cards frequently and was much sought after by the locals for her readings . She used to read for people all the way down into Maine but her clients were older now so most of her new clients were from the immediate area around Perth . The cards wouldn 't lay flat on her bright green vinyl tablecloth . The Continental department store in Perth always had a good selection of these tablecloths and she bought a new one for each season . This green one was her preparation for spring . Lizzie believed Mother Nature could use a push to get spring started in this climate . The winters were long and filled with short days and piles of snow . Sometimes she liked being snug inside her house with lots of wood for her stoves , a pantry filled with canned food and a cold room stocked with root vegetables . But by March , it was time for a new beginning in her mind and a new green tablecloth was a start . Matt sat in his usual place where he could look at his mother and see out the kitchen window to the road where his truck sat . He worried about it sitting on the side of the road where it could get sideswiped . But parking in the driveway was out of the question . " Aw , Mattie I wasn 't upset . I was so full of joy I filled up with tears . Not tears of sorrow , though . I don 't even know where those tears came from but I couldn 't stop them if I tried . " " Lawrence and I never see you cry much . We never did . Not even when Joe died . That 's what worried us . Shelley never saw you cry either and she says God knows you 've had reason . " Lizzie had shed her share of tears and still did but kept them private . She had learned to keep her tears inside until it was safe to let them out . And safe to her was when she was alone . Lizzie expected to talk to Matt about her tears this morning in her usual calm , rational manner . But when she started to , her eyes filled up , and she didn 't trust her voice . Matt panicked when he saw her face crumpling . Matt wished he had sat on the outside of the table even if his back was to the window . He wanted to get up and move but if he did that now he would have to move around to where his mother was sitting . He didn 't want her to think he wanted to leave . But truth be told he did want to leave . The crying aged his mother 's face right in front of him . He wished he had brought Shelley with him but he hadn 't even told her where he was going so early on a Saturday . She would know what to do with his mom right now and he wouldn 't be trapped in his chair with her crying and telling him she wanted to laugh . " Matt I want you to stop worrying about me right now . I can tell by that look on your face you 're scared I 'm losing my marbles or something . I feel fine I just can 't help if I cry when I think of that new baby girl . " " Okay , Mom okay I 'm not worried you are losing your marbles . " He did have a moment when he wondered if she 'd had a stroke or something . " For some reason , this baby is making me think of my own life . How I 've lived it and what I want for her . More than when Robbie and your boys were born . It may be because she is my first granddaughter . I don 't know . I read the cards last night and all of them pointed to good things with the birth and with her life . So I 'm not worried . I decided just before you came that I would do a reading of my own cards to see what might be happening with me . It 's nothing bad . " Matt had grown up with the Tarot cards as much a part of his life as other kids had had religion in their lives . No one worshipped the cards but all big decisions or troubles were answered with what the cards told his mother . He had never really decided if he believed what the cards said . They were just there , like an old aunt or grandparent who dispensed advice . He believed his mother got wisdom from the cards . But most of the time he didn 't think about them at all . He knew his mother got her strength from the cards and he accepted that the same way he accepted that Shelley 's family got their strength from prayer . " That 's good ma . I will tell you I was worried when Shelley told me what Lawrence said about you sounding sad . Maybe it is just that she is your first granddaughter . " " I think it must be Matt . You know I love your boys and Robbie so it isn 't anything to do with my feelings about them . " " Oh , I know . Our boys are so busy with their own lives now we aren 't sure if they even know any of us are still alive . " " Kids do grow up you know . Even you had your time when I knew it was a chore for you to come and see me . " " Ya , I guess you 're right . It seems so long ago . Been making my own decisions for so long now that I 've forgotten when I wasn 't . I wasn 't that great at it , as you know . Best decision I made was marrying Shelley . Much as I grumble she 's kept me straight . " " I know that Matt . Brenda is a good help to Lawrence too . I 'm so glad you boys found a good woman to share your lives with . " " Yes , Lawrence and I are glad too . We don 't know how you managed to get through so much in your life . " Lizzie 's face flushed . She 'd had four men she had loved in some way . Three of them had also been part of Matt 's life . Lizzie looked at Matt 's face for clues to how he might be feeling about how he was raised . They had never talked about what these men meant or in some cases did not mean to Matt . Lizzie wondered if she should have tried to share some of her feelings about her life but Matt kept a lot of his feelings to himself too and she had known since he was young not to push him . That pattern became their life together . The pattern continued with Lawrence . Lately , Lizzie couldn 't help but wonder if avoiding talking to her boys about her personal life was because of her fear of what they might say to her about how they were affected by her choices . It was easier to hope they were content and to pretend at times that everyone was happy than to risk asking . " My life was hard at times yes . I used to worry that you boys might inherit my troubles . Both Shelley and Brenda have been good to me too , much better than I think I was with my mothers in law . But I 've had lots of joy too . And today I am feeling some of that joy . " Matt wasn 't convinced his mother was feeling only joy as he stood up and took their plates to the sink to rinse them . After Matt left Lizzie washed and dried the dishes . The stove had warmed the kitchen so the extra heat would go to the upstairs . It was warm enough now for her to get cleaned up and dressed for the rest of the day . As Lizzie raised the washcloth to scrub her face her eyes saw a face in the mirror that didn 't look full of joy . If this was the face she showed Matt he wouldn 't believe that there wasn 't something else wrong . He might be a quiet man grown from a boy who kept his own counsel but the two of them shared a bond born of grief . Lizzie wasn 't sure what she was feeling nor what this strange rush of emotion was supposed to mean . Her mind had grabbed ahold of her past and seemed determined to explore it whether she wanted to or not . Going into her small bedroom to get dressed and make up her bed she wondered out loud ? " What did it mean to be a good wife and mother ? What would each of the four men who had shared her bed and a part of her life have said today if they were asked ? What would her in - laws say about her ? " The Tarot cards will answer these questions for her . Once she had her own answers she could stop this feeling and get back to her real self again . Downstairs Lizzie set out her Tarot cards on the table after folding back the tablecloth . Lizzie loved her boys and they always knew that . They sometimes accused her of being too " lovey dovey " with them . Although they always knew how she felt about them she never shared how she felt about her men or her relationships with these men . They knew when she wasn 't happy with something they did or didn 't do or when she was pleased with them but her own sorrows were kept to herself . Maybe not sharing her deepest sorrows also meant she didn 't share her deepest joys either ? Maybe a daughter would have wanted to know or would have asked her questions pushing her to talk . No . It wasn 't the fact that she had sons that kept her silent . It wasn 't fair to put the blame on them if there was to be blame . " Why did this any of this matter all of a sudden ? " The old clock ticking out the time over her head seemed to act as a countdown for her . She kept thinking of 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 … " What about her first in - laws ? " It was 1927 and she was only 20 years old when she married the first time . That was a long time ago . Lizzie felt an overwhelming urge to share her past with her granddaughter , to share what it meant to have loved and to lose a love . The Tarot cards sat on the table silent , ignored . It was time to shed some of her tears on the outside . Lizzie stood up too keyed up to sit still any longer staring at the cards . For the first time that she ever remembered the cards were not speaking to her . Maybe by writing out what was filling her head onto paper she could then control the questions and reach for the answers . Then she might be able to decide if what she had to say should be shared with her granddaughter someday or with someone else or with no one ever . At the very least she could empty her head of all the questions swamping her brain . There was paper in the back of the long drawer in her hutch . Lizzie wasn 't much of a writer but there was usually a pen in the bottom of her purse . Rummaging through her bag that was hanging on the coat rack by her front door she found an old Bic pen . It dangled over the page in her thin hand . The paper was lined dime store paper picked up one time for some reason that was gone from her memory . It would do . She set her paper on top of an old recipe book so her pen wouldn 't poke holes . The vinyl tablecloth was too soft . March 13 , 1976 , Journal of Elizabeth Ann Connors Grandmother of Rebecca who was the second child of my son Lawrence . This is for you Rebecca from me . I sure hope you find some time to read it and know that your grandmother did the best she could with her life . Harry I met Harry at one of the dances right when I was tired of being a maid . His full name was Harry Mckenzie . He lived with his folks and worked their farm and doing odd jobs whenever he could get one . I was so young . I hadn 't gone far in school and my life was pretty simple . I worked in other people 's houses . I dint get to talk to many people outside of my sisters . I thought he would make me a Ideal husband . I don 't think he ever Relized he was a married man . I figured once you married a man he was yours and you was his . My father even when he was sick was there for my mother . That 's what my mind thought marriage would be like . Harry came from good folks so everyone was happy we had got together . Looking back now I don 't suppose we really knew what we were doing . I really loved him . We always had a good time together he liked going out dancing and spending time with his friends . It was a treat for me . I thought he would take care of me so I wouldn 't have to work for other people . I used to write my name Mrs . Mckenzie with hearts all over it . I would fall asleep at night dreaming about being the lady of the house with someone cleaning for me . This stuff filled my head so much I dint ' give myself time to get to know Harry . It wasn 't long after our simple Wedding in March 1927 that I saw that Harry 's fun loving ways were all that he was . It was like once I was in the bedroom at his folks house I was a plaything he had grown tired of . He would leave me behind like a used toy he was bored with and go out . He went to all the dances without me . I would stay with his parents and cry myself to sleep . Sometimes he would be gone for a week at a time then come back as if nothing was wrong with what he was doing this went on for six months . My heart was shattering and he din 't even notice . I wasn 't used to speaking up for myself and I wasn 't used to married people arguing . My parents dint argue in front of us . Maybe they argued when we couldn 't hear them . I tried to talk to him about how being left with his folks all the time made me lonely but he wouldn 't even listen . He would walk away or leave the house and be gone for a few days . I could smell cigarette smoke and Perfume on his clothes when he came back . His mother ignored me most of the time . She went about doing her housework and getting the meals . I felt so bad that her son was treating me this way . I thought she blamed me for it . I just got plain fed up . His father worked the farm with his hired hands . He din 't seem to know what was going on . Harry was his momma 's boy and she keeps himself all to herself . His father gave up trying to make him his son . I was back being like a maid for a family but this time all I was getting was Room n Board . After six months of marriage I stopped crying myself to sleep and started to go to Perth . I wanted some company . I was only 20 years old . On one of my trips I saw a local backery needed someone to work there . I went in and applied and got the job . They even had a room upstairs with furniture where I could live . I gave the owner the names of the people I worked for since I was eleven . I din 't tell him that I din 't do much baking on my own when I worked in those houses . I figured I could sort that out after I got the job . I had watched and helped lots of women bake . I packed my suitcase and left . I had to phone a Taxi to come and get me . I was scared to be on my own but I had to get away from that dead house . After I decided I was going to get away I dint care if I spoke to Harry again . His mother heard me on the phone calling for a taxi . She came into the kitchen to listen . She was probably wondering why I was going to Perth without her . When I was talking to the woman I saw Ethel look at the suitcase by my feet and at my purse and coat on the chair . She raised her eyebrows and turned and walked out of the kitchen . My hand shook when I hung up the phone . I picked up my suitcase , took my coat and purse . I waited for the taxi by the front porch on the small patch of grass . I was leavin for good . Mrs . Mckenzie never spoke to me again . I dint ' care since she hardly talked to me when I lived in her house . I was so glad to be out of that awful house . Lizzie 's shoulders were rounded and her back was slouched making it difficult for her to breathe . Coming away from the past and back to her quiet kitchen she straightened her back and pulled in her breath easing her aching bones . Remembering was easier than she thought it would be yet her body seemed to have memories her mind had forgotten . Getting her first marriage out onto paper had pulled her body down and she was tired . The late winter sun was not warm enough and the old house had no large windows to let in what sun there was this month of March . Her wood cook stove made the kitchen cozy until the fire burned down too low . Her morning fire had burned down while she was in the past . Lizzie was a small - boned woman , wiry and strong . Age had shortened her stature and thinned her hair and skin . Her clothes were from Wal - Mart or Kmart but she prided herself on being stylish and clean . Even at home alone she wore a good pair of black polyester pants and a bright blouse . Today she had a red hand - knitted sweater over a white blouse . Her sister had always been a good knitter and Lizzie was proud of her closet full of beautiful sweaters that her sister Sara had given her over the years . Each sweater was kept in its own tissue in her dresser drawers . They hung loosely on her now but they still kept her warm . Lizzie went to the stove and added another piece of wood . She filled the kettle and put it on the stove over the fire . A King Cole tea bag from the faded tin on the kitchen counter dropped into the old glass coffee pot that always made good tea . Her fingers ran over the counter . The grey counter top had cuts from thousands of knives used over the years . It should be replaced but there was no money for that . Lizzie poured herself a cup and carried it back to the table . Sympathy was all there was left for Harry 's mother . Harry married another girl from the country and Lizzie thought they had stayed together . Bits of gossip would come her way from one of her sisters about Harry 's wandering ways every so often . The new wife must have resigned herself to living with a man who was closer to his mother than to anyone else . They always lived in his parents ' house . Lizzie shivered but not from the cold . She would have slowly smothered to death in a house with a husband who treated her as a plaything to be used and discarded at his whim and a mother in law who wouldn 't let her son grow up . Lizzie set her cup down to massage her fingers and hand . What had made her believe Harry was the one man for her ? Was there something missing from her own family that she needed ? I was born on August 4 , 1909 , to my lovin parents . A long ways back from this day March 13 , 1976 . My Parents had more children after me . I was the second born . They did their best to give us care and to love us . Without no help and lots of babies my momma did her best to keep us fed and clean . We had fun with each other us sisters as we grew up . I was the second oldest so I had to help a lot with the younger ones . People don 't seem to want big families now and even I only got to have two boys . I would have had more babies if my life 's Path made that work for me . My sisters gave me great joy and some misery . Sara was two when I was born . We were almost like Twins after I learned to walk . She tells me I never left her alone for a minute . We had to sleep together . My next sister Elsie was born in 1912 , which was pretty close to me . Raised in the middle like that made me more independent . Sara would tell you that I was stubborn in her way of thinking . But I got Bossed around a lot and then I had to boss the younger ones . I suppose I got pushy from that . Sara tended to listen to our momma more than me . I knew Sara was going to tell me what to do so I would stop listening and go off in my mind to something better . Because I used to do that so much is why I can read Tarot cards and peoples futures so well . Imagining what people could be doing or could be thinking would put me in my own dream world until Sara or someone else would yank me back . All of us girls had to work . We could go to school when we could get there until we were old enough to get work that paid us . I always worked at something and was independent because of that . We moved to a little place called Tilly . We had two miles to school one way . My momma dint want me to go on the really cold days . I din 't have enough warm clothes and she would worry I could freeze to death . Sara dint go very often with me . She din 't like school enough to brave the cold like I did . Going to school got me out of the house in the winter and I got to see other kids my age . I would just say , " I 'll be all right momma and off I would go . " There were many mornings after I got to the schoolhouse where I had to sit by the old heater stove . I would cry as my feet thawed out . They were burning instead of warming up . It wasn 't as bad on the walk Home cause it would still be light out . I would forget all about my cold feet and head out again the next day . We only had one pair of stockings each so I couldn 't take any ones since the floors in our house were cold in the winter . My other two sisters were smaller than me and they always got my old socks if I hadn 't worn them completely out . I luvved going to school Becca . I alrady think of you as Becca . Hope you don 't mind an old woman making your name shorter ? Thats the name that comes to me when I think about you . The memory of her sisters snuggled with her under the quilts on cold winter nights brought a smile to Lizzie 's face . Her momma worked so hard to keep their beds , covered with quilts and blankets , clean because of her fear of getting bugs in the house , in the beds , and on her family . Lizzie hadn 't realized how much her momma and poppa fretted about how to keep their children fed and warm until she was old enough to work at home and for other people . As a child , she believed her parents were strong and knew just what to do to keep the family safe . Sleeping with their arms and legs tangled up she and her sisters gave each other the warmth so badly needed on cold January nights when heat from the stoves did not reach upstairs . As a small child , Lizzie had no idea who got up and kept the fire going at night so there would be hot water in the morning . It was only later that she learned that it was her mother . Her poppa was not well and couldn 't do this for his family . A weak heart couldn 't take the constant getting up and down or the bitter cold even if he slept on the cot by the stove . There was no time for stories to be read or sweet kisses when being tucked into bed . Lizzie took comfort from the soft murmur of her parents ' voices drifting up through the grate in the floor by her bed . In the summer time , the voices were still there but the windows were open to let in a breeze on hot summer nights and crickets would lull her to sleep . There was never a loud voice , nor angry words or shouting before she went to sleep . While drifting off to sleep the quiet comfort of the sounds of her home made her feel safe . We din 't have many books in our school . The Teacher had the only Book and we had to listen to her read . I loved to listen to the stories and tales of far away places . We would learn words from the stories that we would write on our slates . We got one Scribbler , one pencil , and one eraser each term . We only put our very best work in it . I never liked doing my sums much but one teacher told me I was quick with numbers . That surprised me . I felt good about that . I always tried to tell my boys when I saw them do something good even if it was a small thing . With my daddy sickly I would have chores to do each day when I got home from school . I would carry water for three head of animals and brought in lots and lots of wood . Sometimes I was surprised that our house would have cold places with all of the wood I carried in each day to be burned up in our stoves . Because my Daddy was sickly he could only work some of the time . We were very poor in those days . My dear mother would work out any time she could get anything to do . My poor Mama - I din 't like seeing her so tired all the time . When I turned eleven years old I started to try to help by taking care of myself . I got jobs during vacation time . There were a lot of large families living near us . We were four children but that was a small family . I think now that with my Daddy not able to work much my mother knew she couldn 't keep us all if she had more children . Some of the women from the big families could afford to hire someone to help out . That 's where I got my first job - working for one of them . I would have to live right with the Family either because they lived too far away for me to walk both ways each day or they needed me to help later in the night or early in the morning . Some of what I earned went for my food and lodgings but I made enough for a few clothes . I was happy to do this during my vacation time . It made me feel grown up . My sister Sara did the same thing as soon as she was old enough . Having the two of us fed and dressed by others for some of the time helped my Mother do better . Working made me strong as I grew up . The fresh cup of tea finished and Lizzie flexed her fingers . This was more than she had ever written in one time her whole life . Memories kept coming . The women she cleaned and tended babies for were all different . One was flighty seemingly living somewhere else in her mind , thin and worn with five children under the age of ten . Lizzie remembered coming upon her behind the well house sobbing into her apron looking right at Lizzie with an expression that frightened her . A fleeting look that cut deep into Lizzie . She had lifted her apron , wiped her face and strode off to the clothesline . Lizzie watched her go before picking up the youngest girl who was tugging on the bottom of her skirt wanting her diaper changed . That woman 's face in this moment was as real as if it had happened yesterday . Lizzie now knew that what she saw on that woman 's face was despair and panic , the expression of a woman who lived close to the edge . Lizzie worked for them for one summer . Her momma told her they said they couldn 't afford to have her any longer than that . Lizzie had another family that needed her . Had that woman 's expression reached so deep inside Lizzie that it stopped her from wanting any more than two children herself ? Had that look of deep exhaustion and despair been seared onto Lizzie 's mind without her being aware of it ? Why else is this memory so strong out of all the faces of the women she worked for ? Standing up from the table Lizzie went to the window and looked out at the frozen river across the road . The ice was breaking up a bit on the edges but there were more icy nights ahead . The river wouldn 't be thawing anytime soon . Lizzie could feel her past thawing inside of her . Her insides were shifting as if the sunlight was warming her from the inside out . In the past when she felt a glimmer of this sunlight inside her body she would distract herself from herself . She would talk to someone or bake something or lie down and sleep . She had been afraid . This time , there was no stopping these memories . Nowhere toWhen I was fourteen and in grade six I stopped going to school . When I stopped school altogether I went to work in another farm home . The people living there had a post office . I was a busy little girl . The lady of the house ran the Post Office while the man did the farming . There son was mostly looked after by the Maid . The maid was an older girl who worked there all the time . I was hired to help the maid . She had to cook for the whole family and all the hired hands at harvest time . I watched the little boy and did the cleaning up after meals . I got one and a half dollars per week and my Room n Board . I stayed there for two years and my wages went up to three dollars per week with board . It doesn 't seem like much money in 1976 but I helped my family with this money . Sometimes I wanted to keep the money to buy something for myself but I was always glad I could make things better for my parents and my sisters . I was living away more than I was home so I was really looking after myself . I would like to say that all the people I worked for were good and kind people . But when we grow up we meet people who aren 't good and Kind . I had my share of troubles with these kinds of folks at times . One family had me do all the laundry for six kids with no help . I could hardly move the laundry tub when it was empty so I sure had trouble moving it when it was full of clothes and hot soapy water . I had to carry the water from the stove across a crowded kitchen to fill the tub . It took me six trips with hot water and then four more with cold water . I used a big Paddle almost as tall as me to move the clothes around in the hot water until they were clean . I then had to add cold water so I could put my hands in to wring out the water from the clothes . The kids in that house were small so I could wring the water out of their clothes pretty easy but it was real hard to do the Mans farm clothes and the bedding . The mother was loud and always swatting one of the kids or yelling at someone . I worked in that house for a month during my summer vacation . They gave me the cot by the stove to sleep on . I couldn 't go to bed until everyone else did . I was the first one up to get the fire going for breakfast even on the hottest day in July . My daddy came by one day to talk to the farmer and he saw me trying to move the clothes around in the big laundry tub . He stood in the kitchen with all the kids and the washing tub . He looked at the cot and he knew I was also sleeping in the hot kitchen . He dint say anything to me just turned and went back outside to talk to the Farmer . He finished his talk with the farmer and then I saw him talking to the woman . She was shaking her head at him but no one raised their voice . My daddy came to the screen door and told me to get my things . I was going home with him . I wasn 't sure what had happened . I was afraid the woman had told my father I wasn 't doing a good job . I wanted the money and I was afraid I had let my family down . The woman din 't say a word to me when I walked out by her . Her face was red and I thought she looked like she was going to cry but she often looked like that to me . When we got home my momma was extra nice to me hugging me longer than usual and making my favourite biscuits for supper . I was surprised my parents weren 't upset that I had lost this job . As I was getting ready to go up to bed my mother said to me , " Lizzie you never have to go back there . We need the extra money but we want you to earn it from a place where you are safe . We 'll find you a better place to go . " She swiped her hand across her wet cheeks and drew a breath as she thought about the kindness of her poppa . It felt as is she was opening a door with rusty hinges into a room that she had not entered in a very long time . Not thinking about him kept her from feeling abandoned . Surviving was all she could do . In her late teens , Lizzie had wanted a life of her own . But remembering what her father did for her that day filled her breast with a searing longing to have had him in her life longer , to have taken some of the worries from her . To tell her that everything would be all right and that he would fix it for her . The tears were making it hard for her to see . Me Starting to work outside my parent 's home at 11 and then for real at 14 . By the time I was 17 I was tired of always doing other people 's chores . I had my share of boys liking me since I turned 13 . I used to go for walks with them or sometimes to a local dance on a Saturday night . I din 't get much chance to make girlfriends since I worked in people 's houses cleaning . Their daughters dint make friends with the help much and the other girls who worked like I did would spend most of their free time with their families . I did too . My sisters were my closest girlfriends . I wasn 't home much when Rachel and Geneva were growing up . But we all were close . Maybe we were closer cause we din 't live together . In those days people started asking you when you were going to get married from the day a girl turned 17 . If they weren 't asking you about it , someone was making a joke about you and some fellow or other . Lizzie stopped for a moment to think about her infatuation with Harry Mckenzie . She knew now that that was all it was , an infatuation . Was it needing to be Mrs . Somebody or Mrs . Anybody that made her believe he was the answer to her dreams ? Poor reason to marry someone . Where did the courage come from to go to Maine to work and then to get a divorce all on her own ? Ignorance is bliss sure describes what happened . In the prime of her life and wanting to be loved for whom she was , not what she was . Just a wife ? Staying in the house with Harry 's parents would have meant food and a comfortable place to live with a bit of spending money . And some respect for being a married woman although it would have been mixed with pity since everyone would know Harry was tramping around the countryside without her . But she could not do this . That would be living a lie . She wanted someone to really love her like she deserved to be loved . Her momma had told her they would find her a better place to go all those years ago . When she could not be in that house anymore she had to find herself a better place . Lizzie put her pen down . Unburdening all of her stored up emotions onto Rebecca might be too much . Too strong and too personal . She had started this journal with tears that she had thought were fully shed many years ago . Her fresh tears were bringing back old hurts that must not have been finished for her . Would Becca care about Lizzie 's life ? What she had started was too strong to let go of now . It had to be finished . Who was to read it could be decided when she finished . Hadn 't she already decided that ? Stopping to worry that her granddaughter may be reading these many years from now was the ice trying to form over her insides again . Me and Harry I am happy with myself now although there was a short spell when I was truly lost . Think most people have times like that . Tragedies and troubles make some days very hard . Your daddy and momma and your big brother helped get me through much like my sisters did a long time ago . Families are important little Becca , and I want you to always remember that . Already there is so much love around you ; you are glowing with it . The room over the backery was clean and simple . It had a single bed and a small white painted dresser with a mirror . There was a large wardrobe against one wall with a deep cupboard for hangers and one deep drawer . A set of sheets , one quilt , and a pillow were on the bed ready for making up . I 'd never had a bedroom to myself my whole Life . All this time I remember that little room that was all mine . I wasn 't sure how I would do sleeping all alone . I set my suitcase on the white painted chair and hung up my coat . Ed the owner told me I would start the next morning at 6 am . There was a washbasin and a pitcher on the washstand . The flush was downstairs at the back of the shop . It was near the stairs so I could use it at night without having to go into the backery . One of my jobs was to keep the flush and bathtub clean . There was one other room upstairs but it was full of bits and pieces of furniture and a few old empty flour barrels . At night I would hear noises from that room that made me scared until I got used to them . Sometimes I was so tired from working all day I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I dint wake until dawn . It was likely mice running through the walls . The whole place always smelled like freshly baked bread . Ed spent his time picking up flour or eggs or other supplies we needed or delivering the foods we baked . The head Baker was a big tough woman named Mabel Kincaid . I met her that first morning when I came downstairs . I was good about getting up early and being at work on time . I was used to doing this from the time I started school . The short time I was married " Get an apron from the hook and start sifting flour over there . " I found the apron on the hook and put it on . I had to wrap it around me twice and tie it in the front . That apron had been made to fit Mabel . " My name is Mabel and I run this kitchen . You 'll do what I say when I say it . If you have a problem you tell me , not Ed if you want to keep your job here . " That was how I started my job . I did not see Ed all day . His Wife did bring lunch for me and Mabel . Mabel ate first at a table in the corner of the kitchen . She din 't tell me I could sit there when it was my turn to eat and she din 't clean up from her own lunch . I was too afraid to move any of her mess so I ate standing up by the barrels of flour . I had spent the whole morning scooping flour from a barrel , sifting it into large bowls that sat on the counter . Mabel took them when she needed flour . When she finished with one she put it in the line with the others . I bent over and scooped stood and sifted for eight hours . Mabel went home at 5pm . It was hard on my back but I was young and strong and I soon got used to it . The job was boring but clean and quiet . No dirty diapers or heavy laundry or silent mother in law , which made me happy . Time passed with me working all day and going to bed early . I dint have much of a social life . One fine day Harry came there to see me and made all kinds of good promises trying to make me feel like a fool not to go back and try life over with him again . He begged me to come back . He told me we would get our own place but we would have to stay at his Parents till he got a place for us to move . I was alone most of the time when I wasn 't working . I might as well have been alone when I was working since Mabel only gave me orders . So I did go back for a bit . But the day when things were going to get better , the day he was going to act like my husband never came . He just forgot about everything again and started on his same old way . So I left again . I got my Head Tax papers and went to Maine to work . I worked in Fairfield Maine for three years . I had nice places to work . Mostly cafes and restaurants where I got to talk to people and make friends with some of the other girls that worked with me . I worked for a year in one place they were very good to me . Harry came several times and tried to get me to go back with him but I just made up my mind there wasn 't any use . I had to keep my own self all this time . He never gave me a penny so I paid for my divorce . I wasn 't long getting it . I din 't know anyone back home except my family to tell that I was divorced . I never knew what Harry told his friends and family . But I din 't care . I was away from him and his family for good . I was free . I had my own job . I made myself a promise if I married again I would be careful and do better picking out my Husband . Well , my life was better . I got bigger wages in Maine I got many more things that I never had before . I also helped my parents again , which I was very proud to do . Then I got lonesome for home and wanted to come back . Harry was out of my life for good by then and I figured everyone else had moved on from caring much what I was doing . I went back to the backery . I couldn 't believe that it was still going strong and that Mabel was still filling up the kitchen . Ed told me he had a new girl scooping and sifting but she wasn 't good with the customers so he said he would take me back in a New York minute . The place had gotten busier so everyone had to help out at the counter serving customers except Mabel of course . So I came back . After my jobs in Maine I knew I wasn 't going to let Mabel treat me the way she did before . I was going to make a place for myself in that backery . Alfred was a good man who worked at farming as if he was born to it . His parents and brother owned the farm and they all worked it He was a solid man with strong arms and a quiet manner . His mother used to come into the backery to get bread sometimes when the harvesting was busiest and she was working the Tractor and trying to keep everyone fed . The bread and cookies were a godsend to her she told me . Maybe that 's why she took such a shine to me . When Alfred 's mother came to the bakery Lizzie had just taken over for Ed . Her hair was slipping from the hairnet in tiny tendrils around her face . Her cheeks were flushed with colour from the warm ovens . When Mabel brought out a new batch of warm dinner rolls Lizzie looked like a little china doll next to her . Mrs . Christianson had been thinking it was time her son Alfred got himself a wife . He worked hard but wasn 't the type to play hard . He mostly stayed home so he didn 't get many chances to meet women . Mrs . Christianson took one look at Lizzie that day and decided Alfred was going to meet her . Lizzie did not know of her plan until after she was married to Alfred but she couldn 't help but smile when she thought about the first time she met Alfred . Alfred came into the backery looking lost and out of place . He wore clean and pressed farmer clothes , kaki pants and plaid shirts . His boots were rugged but clean and polished . I had no idea who he was . Not many men came into the backery and those who did had a list from the women in their life . They would read from the list or hand it over to me . Then there would be some loud talk about why they were there instead of their Wife or mother . Mostly some sickness got talked about . I was quick to get the order which every single one of them was glad of even the ones who thought I was a pretty little thing . But I got them to buy one more thing , a box of tarts , a batch of their favourite cookies or a cake I was sure the woman that sent them would love to eat . I could tell that Alfred was like the other shy men the momentI can see his face to this day as he listened trying not to look right at me . I remember having this urge to keep him there listening even if he wasn 't saying much himself . He courted me in a fine way . I was so happy . Then on Nov . 9 , 1932 we were married . He was a farmer . His home was in New Denmark so we settled down there . We had a nice farm and a very nice house . All of Alfred 's family made me feel welcome and like I was a daughter to them . We worked together . I was real happy . Two years later we had a darling Son who meant the world to both of us . We were very happy together . We both worked hard but enjoyed it . I dint want for anything in reason . He was a dear loving husband always ready to do things to please me . This was real happyness for me . We lived this way for thirteen years seven months . Mattie grew like a weed while Lizzie and Albert tended their fields and animals . Lizzie tried for more babies . Alfred hoped to have a big family but it wasn 't to be . Then one day God called him home . I was so broken hearted . No one will ever know how broken I was . Here I was left alone with my eleven years old Son bless his heart . He did everything he knew to do in his childish way to comfort me . He loved his daddy very much and missed him so much . The home never was the same - so here I am again with a broken heart , my little son was going to school . I was alone most of the time . The days were long and lonely . The days went by into weeks and weeks into months until one long lonely year had Passed . I have sit alone so many hours in this past year so I thought of all the good days we had spent together so happy there was so many pleasant memories to look back to then I would go to bed and be so lonesome I can 't say the many nights I cried myself to sleep . I wasn 't a good mother to Matt then . He started to act out in school . He would get into fights and be sent home . I tried to help him but I was lost in myself . I dint go out much . I had some real nice neighbours that I lived close to . Alfred 's parents were in despair too . They dint abandon me . They were very good to me . I still lived on the farm . I keep two cows - some pigs , hens . I had a garden so with the chores I had the work in the garden in the summer time . This took a lot of my spare time . I was glad to have something to do . But did I ever dread to see the winter come it was so long and lonesome I thought the days would never end . Matt and I spent the evenings by the stove . I made him do his homework and I talked some to him about his daddy but he wasn 't ready to listen . He stopped causing problems at school but he stayed quiet and on his own a lot . I had many chances for love affairs but somehow they din 't appeal to me . I was still living in the past . Lizzie rested her pen on the table as she thought about Alfred . Writing about him brought a sense of warm peace to her belly . It had been a terrible blow when he died . Time and new loves had eventually dampened the sense of loss and what was left was a feeling of tenderness towards him . She knew now that she had been angry with him for leaving her . It wasn 't his choice to die but he had left her alone just the same . Her deep loneliness lowered her into a pit of depression for a long time . Where had this sense of being entitled to a man 's love come from ? A love that meant he would never leave her . She had wanted him to love her the most . And if he had he would never have left her . But God had other plans for them . Plans she had no control over no matter who loved the most . Thoughts of her life with Alfred continued to disturb her mind that afternoon . She slid the notebook into a box under her bed . It would be a month before it came out again . It was early but the sun was warm and the air smelled fresh again . The wood stove needed to be on all day but gently with one large log burning slowly for a bit of warmth in the evening and for some cooking . Lizzie hadn 't completed grade six . The struggle to find the right words to express what she wanted her story to tell Rebecca was wearing on her . Her spelling was poor and her mind needed a break from having to look up so many words in her worn dictionary . Not knowing how to spell words made it very hard . Old frustrations washed over her that had helped end her love for school . Having fallen so far behind she ended up feeling slow and stupid . The struggle to get her thoughts written for Rebecca was dragging her down . She was determined to finish the journal but she needed a break . The pages went into a box and out came her scrub bucket , mop and old flannel cloths . Cleaning she was good at . The April sun would dry up her driveway and then it would rain for two days and make it all soupy again . Matt had said he would be down to take the straw bales away from the foundation as soon as he was sure it wouldn 't snow again . They could still have a blizzard and he did not trust that him removing those bales wouldn 't start one . He must have gotten superstitious from her Tarot card reading . The cards told her that she was at the right time to start bringing spring into her home . That meant around the outside too . The snow was all gone and it had left a sooty black residue on the bales that gave her house a dirty look that bothered Lizzie . What did her daddy used to say ? " We might be poor but we don 't have to be dirty . " But there was no budging Matt . Every surface and floor were scrubbed clean of all the winter dust and stove soot . The windows were cleaned on the inside and the curtains all washed , dried , starched and rehung . All the winter flies that were waking up with the sun coming in were vacuumed away . Shelly took her to the Laundromat in town to wash her quilts and blankets . She loved the smell of them after they dried outdoors but her days of dragging wet blankets from her washer to the clothesline were over . Shelly tried to get her to take her sheets , towels and pillowcases too but Lizzie could manage those herself thank you very much . Matt had put the clothesline hook and pulley right outside her back door . There was only one small step to reach the line . Now that the spring - cleaning was done there was no longer any excuses for avoiding her journal . It had been moved from under her bed during her cleaning back to the drawer in her kitchen table . On her last trip to Fredericton , she bought herself a couple of big lined pads of paper and a package of new Bic pens . Now if only these new pens helped her spell the words she wanted to use . Lizzie had put off writing about Graeme long enough . It was time to get him on paper . It had to happen soon or she wouldn 't do it at all . The new Bic pen rested comfortably in her small hand . Graeme my love I lived this way for two years then one day I went to visit one of my sisters not a thing about a man or a love affair . I don 't know until this day what happened . I met a young man . I just talked to him as I would my friend . I went home still not thinking anything serius about him . But I couldn 't seem to get him out of my mind . I din 't seem to think too much about till two weeks later when I went to the hall for the dance . Graeme was such a handsome man , tall with muscled arms and a flat stomach . Alfred had been a good husband and father but he was not a handsome man . That had never mattered to her . When he died and there was so much grief she mourned the idea of him , the kindness and caring of him . Not the physical of him . She first met Graeme at a local dance her sisters talked her into going to . Tired of feeling sad , tired of being lonely , tired of her life being swamped with gloom she agreed to go . At thirty - five years old she could not stay in that fugue state any longer . That did not make getting dressed up and going out and leaving Mattie easy . Lizzie saw anger and blame in Matt 's eyes that night when she said good night to him . Her neighbour was going to stay with him . He was getting too old for her hugs and when she saw the expression in his eyes she knew she could not try to touch him . She wanted to wrap her arms around him and beg him to understand why she needed to do this . You don 't talk that way to your children . You don 't explain your feelings about what happens between a man and a woman who love each other . And you don 't tell them what it does to a person when one of them is taken from you . Lizzie hoped he would find that kind of love someday and then he might understand why she had to go out and find it again . As the veil of grief lifted a need stirred in her for someone to hold her again . To touch her in places that needed a lover to touch . She left the house with a heavy heart joining her sisters at the side of the road . Geneva , her youngest sister had a friend who was picking theShe almost asked the driver to stop and let her out . She was going to run back home . The car was full of carefree young people laughing at nonsense with the girls smoking cigarettes they would not be allowed to smoke at home . She was passed this wasn 't she ? Had this ever been part of her life ? Maybe in Maine but that was so long ago . She felt very old and out of place . The car pulled into the side lot where the grass was trampled down to hold about twenty cars . Lizzie could feel a warm breeze on her arms as she climbed from the back seat . Her sisters ran into the hall leaving her to come on her own . The driver had gone over to a group of men who were smoking by the open trunk of a nearby car . Lizzie can still picture every detail of that summer evening . The softening of the sun as it set over the fields all around the hall filled the corners of the building with dark shadows . Smoky haze floated out of the open door and windows . The music was country . Someone was yipping like a rodeo rider inside . She could see herself standing for a moment letting the sensation of life flow over and around her . Her feet took her into the dance hall . The room was brightly lit since there was no way to dim the lights and turning them off made it too dark . Candles would be a fire hazard since the floor was strewn with hay to make the dancer 's feet slide more easily . Tables and chairs were placed around the outside of the dance floor and the raised platform where the band was playing was built up with more hay bales so open flames were not a good idea . Making her way around the dancers to the table she found herself face to face with the most handsome boy she had seen in a long time . He grinned a cheek - to - cheek grin and grabbed her arm . He held her fast to his side . He turned and put his hand on her back and started to twirl her around the floor . A square dance caller was up in front of the band and he called for the Circle Left / Right Forward and Back Promenades , Wheel Around Do - si - do , Star Left / Right Swing , Allemande Left / Arm Turns and all the other calls she thought she had forgotten how to do . Her partner knew when to grab her and when to let her go . He never let her go far and the heat coming off of his body added to the sweat on her own . For every twirl and sashay , she wanted to do ten more . The other dancers were part of the excitement moving in and out of her vision . She smiled and laughed as they grabbed her hands one after the other . The caller seemed to sense the electricity in the air and he kept the calls coming . Her sisters had been grabbed up by partners and were twirling and sashaying right along side of her . She wanted to keep her partner for herself . She wanted those strong brown arms to fit around her and only her . The rest of the night was lost in the fog of years gone by . Her partner 's name was Graeme and he became a part of her life . He was only 17 years old . Her mind brought her back to the day he told her how old he was . She hadn 't asked . She knew he was younger than her . Much younger . She told herself they were dance partners and friends only . They met at the dance hall every Saturday night that whole summer . Each night they danced until the end . Completely spent yet tuned into each other 's bodies in the way that dancers and skaters had to be with their partners . Her sisters enjoyed themselves at the dances glad Lizzie was having fun and was getting out of her gloom . Her sisters changed partners and no one noticed that Lizzie had the same partner all night . Or if they did no one said anything to her . Graeme was finished high school . Lizzie was glad about that . Most boys did not finish at all and if they did they were often older than 17 as they had to take time off to work in the woods or on their parents ' farms . Graeme 's parents had done well enough that they could hire help so he could finish school . He did his fair share of work when he was home which built his muscles and gave him the tanned skin . He was working for his father in the woods when the summer ended . Lizzie had not yet invited him to her home . Matt got used to her going out on Saturday nights at least he appeared to be . There were no more glaring looks that summer . Matt was going out himself now , hanging out at the corner store with his friends from high school . Lizzie hoped he was not getting into any trouble by drinking or smoking . She did not check because she did not want to have to stop her dance nights . In the fall , Matt went to high school for grade nine . She never heard anything bad about what he was up to on those Saturday nights . Hopefully , this meant that there wasn 't anything going on . Lizzie continued to look after the farm animals and took the last of the produce from the garden that fall . Her in - laws still farmed the fields and helped with the upkeep on the house . They were devastated when their son died but they had done right by Lizzie and Matt . Lizzie 's sister had married Alfred 's brother shortly after Lizzie and Alfred were married so the family connections were strong . Lizzie thought about how that family connection was a blessing for her and Matt but also a curse for her . Graeme had started to see her during the day when Matt was at school . Graeme had less to do as they waited for the weather to turn cold and for the snow to come so they could get the sleds into the woods . Her mind went back again to those cool fall afternoons in the upstairs bedroom . The doors were locked and the curtains pulled . There weren 't many visitors anyway and if someone did come they would see that the house looked closed . Only once had they been interrupted by a knock on the door . They stayed quiet holding their breath . Whoever it was , knocked twice and then left . Lizzie heard a truck leaving . She drifted through the autumn months in a warm state of bliss . If Matt or anyone else noticed they stayed quiet . By Christmas , Graeme wanted to tell everyone about their love for each other . This surprised her . He was so young and had so much to do yet . An unsteady feeling came over her when she thought about them as a couple . How long would he want to spend with a woman twice his age ? When would he meet a sweet young thing and drop Lizzie for her ? He was still going out on his own . She hadn 't been ready to be with him in public outside of the dance hall . What if he was like Harry ? The same Harry who pursued her until he got her and then ignored her . She couldn 't take that again . Not ever . She told Graeme all about Harry and about Alfred . Graeme wanted to be an Alfred for her . That would make her laugh . He hadn 't lived long enough to be Alfred . He had to experience loss and forgiveness and some pain beforeThis went on for six months then I knew I was in love with him . He wanted me to marry him but all of my in - laws were against me going with him . But we were both so much in love that we couldn 't stay away from each other so this went on for a year . He keeps on coming and wanted me to get married . I loved him enough to marry him but my in - laws keep on they just dint want me to have anything to do with him but I loved him so much . I couldn 't stop going out with him . We went to all the square dances at the hall . He would bring donuts from the bakery that was still going strong in town . Mabel was slower and had more help these days but her baking was as good as ever and she still ruled the kitchen with an iron fist . He made Lizzie her lunch if he came over in the morning or served her toast and tea in bed after they made love . Lizzie wanted to stay aloof and distant from her heart but she was falling in love with this boy - man every day . Her love for her son and her unborn child turned out to be stronger than passion . There were regrets . Regret for the loss of this love of her life , regret for the loss of his touch that brought her body back to life and regret for the loss of a life companion . She never heard from him again . At one time she thought he might come looking for her or someone from around here would tell him she had given birth to his son and he would want to see him . She heard once that he was living in Montreal with a family of his own but no one said that he had ever returned to Perth . Did his parents ever know that they had a grandson living on the outskirts of town ? No one ever talked to her about Graeme or his family after Lawrence was born . Alfred 's family continued to be kind to her and helped with both boys by letting her stay in the house on the farm . No one ever talked about any of it . Lizzie wasn 't going to either . In time , she persuaded herself it ceased to matter . Then one day I discovered I was pregnant . I 'll tell the world I was in a terrible spot here I was going to have a baby by a man I loved and he wanted to marry me but it seemed as if the whole world was against us . I tried to make them understand how I felt but it was just like talking to the wind . They all thought if I married this boy it was the most awful thing that could happen to me . He was fifteen years younger than me . That was what was upsetting everyone . So here I was with more than a broken heart I din 't want to hurt my in laws for they all was so good to me through all the troubles when I lost my husband . So I thanked tSo we dint get married . I was left all alone to bear all the shame and disgrace with a broken heart . No one will ever know how I felt as time went by so slow and the tears I cried would fill an ocean . Then on Dec 17 1949 my darling baby boy was born . It was an 8 - pound baby boy . A sweet little fellow . Well , I took him home with me I did my best to bring him up . I loved him with all my heart . He looks just like his daddy . I did everything I could for him but I have felt so bad many times to think he couldn 't have his own daddy . Graeme never tried to see me again . I was glad for myself but deep in my heart there was a Hurt that he never tried to see his son . Not ever . A part of me couldn 't believe that I would love a man who would act as if he never had a son . I have did my best to make Lawrence a good boy out of him now he is almost 30 years old and your Daddy , Becca . He was a very good boy and a very nice looking boy . So I have got him up to this years of life and I pray that the Dear Lord will guide his foot steps in the right road of life so he will be a help to do something good for his country someday and be a man that the country will be proud of . Lizzie banked the fire and set out her bread and a pot for boiling her morning egg . She filled the kettle and went up the steep staircase to her bedroom . Her stamina for writing was getting better each day but the memories would sometimes drain her of every bit of energy she had . So far she had kept the journal writing and the fatigue it created from her sons and their wives . She caught Shelley watching her one time she was over at their place for dinner and knew that she had let her face show her tiredness . How could she explain to her and Matt that what she was doing needed to be done ? The time and energy she was expending to complete the journal were a lot but what she thought about and relived between the writing always gave her the feeling of a good tired . A tired that came from doing work that needed to be done and doing it well . None of that would make any sense to them and why should it ? This was her life and her memories that were coming out of the past and out of the darkness too . Lizzie got up at six a . m . not having slept much . Her mind kept going over the time she spent with Graeme . The sheer physicality of their lovemaking could still take her breath away . Graeme was a gentle lover but an unpracticed one so he explored her body in all ways possible . Those memories were clear and vivid . His scent , clean and sharp like the woods first thing in the morning . Your Grandpa Joe came into my life just when I needed someone steady . My Neighbour John brought him by the house one time when I needed to have the motor on the oil burner in the parlour looked at . Joe brought a good feeling to my house . I read the cards after he left and they told me that I had met someone who was going to stay in my life - someone who would bring happiness with him . When Lizzie thinks about Joe a soft quiet smile moves over her face . He came into her life when she was in her early fifties . She had been on her own for more than ten years . Raising her boys , reading cards and working a bit cleaning people 's houses . Joe brought light and laughter to her house . He worked as a small engine repairman . Everyone came to him as much for how he lightened their mood as for his expertise . They always went home with a repaired toaster , or lawnmower or chainsaw and a smile on their face . Lizzie went back to square dancing with Joe . They went to the local legion hall for their Friday night dances . The old dance hall where she spent her summer evenings dancing with Graeme was abandoned and almost completely covered in vines with small poplar trees growing up over the top of the old saggy roof . It won 't be long now before it disappears completely . Lizzie liked dancing at the legion . She and Joe got pretty good at it . She still goes and watches , sometimes getting up for a dance or two with some of her and Joe 's old friends . The dancers are getting older and no young people are filling in their places . Square dancing is not what young couples want to do anymore . Funny how they think it is so boring and old fashioned . Lizzie could tell them a thing or two about how sensuous it can be twirling and sliding around one another on a hot summer night . But that was Graeme 's story , not Joe 's . Joe was always laughing and doing something silly right at one of the key twirls or swings that would put everyone in stitches so the caller had to work extra hard to get everyone back in line . Joe became Lawrence 's father right away . Matt was too old and was out on his own at this time . He liked Joe and had his own kids call Joe , Papa , as their grandfather . Lawrence and Matt always called him Joe but Lizzie was glad he was in Lawrence 's life . He passed away two years ago in his sleep in this house with Lizzie by his side . She wasn 't ready to let him go and be alone but she had learned by now that what she wanted for herself and what the universe had planned for her was seldom the same thing . His wake was filled with fun stories and happy tears . His funeral was solemn and worthy of a man who firmly believed there was a place in heaven waiting for him . Lawrence told his mom that he was sure Joe was in his place in heaven making everyone laugh . Lizzie smiled at that . She knew he was there . Her old housecoat was on the floor where it must have landed when she was thrashing around . It usually stayed on the foot of her bed all night and never moved . Her housecoat pulled over her shoulders and with her slippers on her feet she descended the steep staircase her hand firmly planted on the railing . The box of old photographs was still there in the middle of her kitchen table . She had not taken the box out of the closet for a long time . Going back to the places she saw in each photo had helped her remember . There were a few she wished she had destroyed years ago . She reached for one of those now . It was an old photograph of Joe 's . Graeme was in this photo with Joe 's brother , Donnie . They had their arm around each other . Graeme was laughing right into the camera but Donnie was looking at Graeme . The expression on Donnie 's face was so sad and filled with such deep longing that Lizzie had dropped the photo onto the table shaking with dread . Donnie had loved Graeme . His eyes shone with it and his body looked like it wanted to coil around Graeme 's . How did she not know about this ? Had Graeme known and not told her ? Or was he oblivious to his friend 's longing ? This was too much for her to worry about now . Upstairs in her bed , she couldn 't stop the thoughts of Graeme and Donnie that should not be . In the morning as she looked at the photo again in the cold light of day she saw the same passion she had the night before . She recognized the feelings Donnie was trying not to show because she knew that a photo of her and Graeme together would have shown that same expression on her face . I felt good about the cards so when John came over a week later to ask me to come to supper at his house I knew that it was because of Joe . John and Elly invited me for supper sometimes . Derek there boy played with Lawrence so they knew I was mostly on my own . Elly told me to bring the boys . We all went , the boys happy to get up in John 's big hayloft . Matt was too old to be playing like that but he would use Lawrence as aWhen Joe left me for heaven I was sad . Yet I still feel he is with me when I laugh or hear a joke that makes me smile . All this love , Becca and all this loss . Am I sorry for any of it ? Life doesn 't often give you much of a chance to decide . I was busy living . My days were filled with caring for others trying to make a living so I could live on my own if I had to . So many times I had to . This wasn 't how I wanted to live my Life when I was writing my name in hearts as Mrs . Mckenzie . I had to choose a path not knowing where it would lead me - I always chose the path of Love Becca . If there was no love or it was lost or taken from me I chose another Path . As I look back I see that even if I lost love I would start to look for it again . My love for my Sons keeped me going for most of my life . We change when we become a parent . It is a good change . Love for our Babies is like no other . My love for men was different for each man that I chose to love but the love for my boys is the same and cannot be bent or broken . Lovers and husbands have to earn our love every day they are with us . We have to earn their love every day to . Sometimes I could get it to work and other times I couldn 't . God had other plans some days to and I sure had no say in what He decided for me . I have no magic for you my little girl . I have only my life to share with you . Make of it what you want . You are a love of my life . Lizzie put her pen down one last time . A deep knot had slowly let go in her chest . Graeme 's disappearance from her life . He didn 't mean to disappear from her life . The years of silence she had ignored , the pain of not being with him , the hurt that he hadn 't even tried to see his son , all released . She had sent Graeme away not from the world , just from her . But he had been taken him away from the world and Donnie had paid for that with his own life . This was a certainty that she could not deny and one that had lain buried deep inside her for a long time . Once upon a time , the cards had tried to tell her but she was not listening . It was beyond her capacity to believe them . She had had another son to raise . Her mind had closed down her fears . And even now or especially now no one else needed to know . Her new granddaughter 's life was not going to be marred by what had happened to her real grandfather . Rebecca would someday read an old woman 's tale of love and loss not one of jealousy and revenge . Lizzie took the photo to the stove and tossed it in watching until it was burned to ash . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Upstairs under her bed sat the metal cash box in which Lizzie kept her will and the deed to her house . When Matt and Shelley were checking the house for important papers after Lizzie 's funeral they retrieved the cash box . A folded brown envelope with Rebecca 's name on it was found in it . Under her name was written Do not open , for Rebecca only , on her25th birthday . Lawrence put it in his business safe at his house . He could keep it safe there for another twenty years . And he did . " All fiction is largely autobiographical and much autobiography is , of course , fiction . " - - P . D . James " A good [ short story ] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in , outsized , now , and uneasy with the fit . " ― David Sedaris

I called the surgeon for an appointment last Friday , and the person I talked to in his office said she would call both my regular doctor and the imaging center , and get all of the various files and x - rays and have them for the doctor when I came for my appointment yesterday . But when we got there , not only did they not have the x - rays , but no one had requested them . Maybe it was because I hadn 't signed a release - - she had me sign one when I got there , which she faxed to the imaging center - - but if that was the case , they should have known that ahead of time , and they could have faxed it to me and I would have faxed it back . But whatever , be that as it may , they didn 't have them . We talked to the doctor , and he had a file which included the radiologist 's report , which must have been sent over from my doctor 's office . The report basically said that the mass that they saw " wasn 't significantly different " from the one that they had seen before , which begs the question , so why am I here ? And the second question , so why has no one been worried about it in the four years since it first appeared ? The doctor said there was probably nothing to worry about , that it was probably the same mass that we saw , and had biopsied , in 2001 , but of course , without the x - rays , he was just guessing . He said he would wait until he got them , which would probably be the next day ( today ) , he would look at them , and call me . There didn 't seem to be anything else that we could do , so we thanked him and left , but then when we got back down to the car , Bob said , " Didn 't we hear someone say that he wasn 't going to be there tomorrow ? " and I realized that he was right . So once I got in the car , I called back up there and asked , and they said , yes , the doctor was going to be gone tomorrow . I asked when he was going to be back , and he wasn 't going to be back until the following Wednesday ! So we would be waiting ANOTHER week , and I didn 't think I could take that . I asked her if she thought I could go over to the imaging center and pick up my file myself , and bring it back , and she said I could try , and she suggested I call first . So I called the imaging center , told them that I wanted to come over and pick up my file and bring it back to the doctor 's office , and she said , " Right now ? " I said yes , that the doctor was leaving the office for a week , and I couldn 't wait another week to find out . She asked if I could give her a half hour to get the file together , and I said no , that the doctor 's office would be closed by then , so I would really appreciate it if she could get it together in the new few minutes . I waited until I had hung up the phone to yell , " Why the hell would it take her 30 minutes to get my file together ? ? Why would it take any longer than about two minutes to pull it out of the drawer ? ? ? ! ! ! " I called the doctor 's office back and said I was going to drive over to the imaging center and hopefully pick up the file and bring it back , but that they had asked for a half hour to get it ready , so I wasn 't sure if I 'd be successful . The woman in the doctor 's office said , " Are you kidding me ? They should be getting it ready anyway , to courier it over here ! " She told me not to worry , just to get over there , and once I was standing in front of them , they 'd get it for me , and she would stay until I got back , and leave the door unlocked . I guess we had to wait about 15 minutes at the imaging center until the woman from the records department came out with the file . Bob paced out in the courtyard for about ten of those minutes , then came in and stewed , and threatened to explode , and if it had taken another five minutes he probably would have , but fortunately she came out with the file before that happened . I had to show her a photo i . d . and sign a release before she would let me have them , but once they were in my hand , we raced back out to the car and drove back to the doctor 's office , where I parked in a no - parking zone , put the car in park , and jumped out of the car with the file , leaving Bob to re - park it . As I was getting out of the car , he said , " Don 't wait for the elevator , take the stairs ! " but I didn 't . I took the elevator . The receptionist met me at the door , took me back to the doctor 's office , and practically before she shut the door , Bob was there . He did take the stairs . A few minutes later , the doctor came in . He took the x - rays from 2001 , and the x - rays from last week , stuck them up in the lightbox , got out his little magnifying / measuring viewer thing ( no idea what it was , really ) , looked at them both , and pronounced them the same - - same spot , same size ( " about the size of an M & M Peanut " was how he put it ) ( the mass , not the breast ) . He said there was no reason to do anything about it , that they ( fibroadenomas , which is what the biopsy showed that it was ) do sometimes get larger , but that I don 't " have enough estrogen running around in there " to make that happen , and in any event , the biopsy showed that it was benign , so as long as it wasn 't causing me any problems , it didn 't need to come out . We were practically giddy with relief when we left , Bob probably more so than me , actually . I think so many times it 's harder on other people than it is on the person experiencing the problem - - just like it 's easier to be an advocate for someone other than yourself , it 's harder , sometimes , to worry about someone else than it is to worry about yourself . You really just want to take the worry and pain away from them , but there 's no way to do that , so you internalize it , and it seems larger , as a result . When we left the doctor 's office the first time , Bob had said , " Well , we can 't go to Joe 's Crab Shack , because we don 't know it 's okay yet . And I was really looking forward to it ! " So after we got the all - clear the second time , that 's where we headed . We had appetizers and shrimp and crab , and dessert - - a huge piece of chocolate cake for him , and an ice cream - and - bananas dessert for me , and I had two of the drink special - - something with Strawberry Daquiri and Frozen Margarita swirled together - - and as we got up from the table , I handed Bob my keys , because I was in no shape to drive home . SAGITTARIUS ( Nov . 22 - Dec . 21 ) : It 's the beginning of the upside - down and backwards time of year for you , Sagittarius . As long as you cooperate with the unusual flow of fate , you will thrive . Here are some exercises to get you in the proper frame of mind : Picture yourself having the body of the opposite gender . Hold a pen with your non - dominant hand as you write about your taboo fantasies . Gaze at yourself in a mirror that reflects your image from another mirror . Consider the possibility that there 's something you really need but you don 't know what it is . Make up a dream in which you change into an animal . Compose a prayer in which you ask for something you think you 're not supposed to . I 'm enjoying having a new car . There wasn 't anything wrong with the old one , so it was kind of annoying to have to get rid of it , but it 's always fun to have something new . It kind of shakes things up to have something different , with different buttons and knobs and things to learn and figure out . The CD changer is kind of weird . It 's a six - CD changer , but it 's in the dash , so you feed the CDs in one by one and there are all kinds of mechanical gyrations going on behind that scenes . Bob said , " That sounds like a recipe for disaster " when I showed him how it works . But I 've got a good warranty , so if it breaks down , it shouldn 't be a problem getting it fixed . The moonroof * is nicer than the one in the Escort , too . In the Escort , when I had the moonroof open , if I was driving on the highway , my hair would fly up and get caught in the mechanism , and sometimes pick up grease . Ick . So I tended not to use it unless I was just driving around town . With this one , my hair still flies up , of course , but there isn 't anything for it to get caught in . It slides back smoothly . . . okay , as I write that , I 'm wondering how it actually works . I think it must slide into a panel inside the car , above the headliner . Hm . In the Escort , it folded up over the top of the car , but not in this one . I guess they figured out a better way . Cool . Actually , that 's not totally true - - I did finally hear from someone from the doctor 's office . After leaving a plaintive , " Will somebody please call me ? " message ( you are , of course , never allowed to actually speak to a doctor or even a nurse , but have to leave voice mail messages pleading for someone to call you back ) , I got a call on Thursday saying that the report was on my doctor 's desk , but that he hadn 't yet " signed off on it , " and until that happened , they couldn 't tell me anything . So I waited the rest of the day Thursday , and no call , but when Bob got home , he called me and said that there was a message on the answering machine for me to call the automated system . The clinic has instituted this automated recording system where , when they need to tell you something , they record it , and then the system calls you and tells you the 800 number to call , and you call it and plug in your Social Security number , and they play you your message . Designed , obviously , to eliminate the possibility of you ever actually having the opportunity to ask a question . Your only recourse is to call back the next day and leave another voice mail message , ad infinitum . . . Anyway , the message said that the doctor had reviewed the mammogram films and the ultrasound report , and he wanted me to get a second opinion . He apparently thinks it 's probably nothing , but since he 's not the expert , he wants me to see a surgeon . By then it was too late to call , but I called the surgeon 's office ( the same one I saw four years ago ) Friday morning and , wonder of wonders , was able to actually speak to a human being , a very nice woman who got up and went and looked , and found that they still have my file from last time , and she gave me the first appointment she had available , which was Wednesday afternoon . So , more waiting . Honestly , I keep thinking it 's probably nothing , but then I remember the last time I was sure it was nothing , and ended up having a hysterectomy . I 'm sure it 's nothing . But , you know , I still worry . The other thing that 's had me stressed out is that the lease on my car is up mid - July , and I 'm out of miles . Every mile over 36 , 000 costs me 15 cents , so while that 's not a fortune , of course , it 's money that I would rather not spend . And I knew I could turn the car in early , but I didn 't know whether they would still make me fulfill the terms of the lease and make the rest of the payments , or how that would work . And I had that dent from when someone ran into me in the Target parking lot . So I was stressing out about that . And to add to it , even though the lease wasn 't up for over two months , the dealership had started calling me every day . Thank goodness they didn 't have my cell phone number , but it was bad enough to come home every night to another message . I thought I might as well get it over with , so I didn 't even make an appointment , I just drove up there this morning , and it was easy ! Almost painless . I bought a brand new Ford Focus , silver , loaded , and my payment only goes up about $ 10 / month . I had a few things on my list that I wanted to be sure to get - - a moonroof , a CD player , power locks and windows . . . I think that was basically it . The deciding factor turned out to be the moonroof ( why is it a moonroof now , and not a sunroof , I wonder ? ) . They only had one with a moonroof , and it was the one that had everything . It has leather seats , a six CD - changer , their highest - end upgraded audio system , heated mirrors and seats , remote on - the - column sound system control , antilock brakes . . . every possible option there is , it has . I still prefer the Escort 's body style , it 's lower to the ground and more attractive , I think , but I 'm pretty happy with this one . It 's roomier inside , but it 's still a small car . And the salesman really worked to make it work for me . With interest rates so low right now , lease payments would have been higher than buying it , so for the first time in about twenty years , I actually bought a car . It 's some weird arrangement , I can 't remember what he called it - - flex pay ? Something like that . The payment goes up $ 50 after three years ( it 's a six year term ) , but I figure I can trade it in in three years , just like I would a lease . So it all worked out . The only thing I really negotiated was the extended warranty . I turned it down when they first offered it to me , but they came back with an offer that only raised my payment $ 6 / month , and gives me free maintenance ( oil changes , tire rotation , etc . ) for two years , so I didn 't see how I could turn that down . My mom said , " Did Bob go with you ? " and I said no , I did it all by myself , and she laughed . I 've done it so many times now that it just seems normal , but I can 't say that I 've ever enjoyed it . I went Friday for the ultrasound , and it showed that the lump ( not that I can feel it , but I guess it is a lump ) is a solid mass , not a cyst . I guess a mammogram showed that there 's something there , but not the composition of it ; an ultrasound can show more clearly what it 's made of . Or at least that 's how I interpreted it . She came back and said that it wasn 't a cyst , but that it was probably the same mass that I had last time , since I hadn 't actually had it removed . She said " probably " because they didn 't have my full file to compare it with - - she said my file indicated that the hospital still had my old mammogram films , plus their test results . So they 're going to have to get the films and the rest of the file from the hospital , and compare them with the current one and see if they 're looking at the same thing . If it is , then it 's all well and good and everything 's fine , I guess , since I already had that spot biopsied and it was benign . I was telling a friend about it after I got back from the doctor on Friday night , and he said , " So basically they just scared you to death , and then left you hanging ? " and I guess that 's pretty much it . I 'm not scared to death , but I suppose I 'm a little bit worried . The thing that worries me the most is , if it 's the same lump , where has it been for the past four years , you know ? I mean , why hasn 't anyone remarked on it before ? And if they had my earlier films to compare it to , so knew it was nothing to worry about , why don 't they have them now ? It 's just kind of weird , but probably nothing to worry about . The technician said since it was Friday , probably nothing would happen until Monday . She said they would go over to the hospital and get the file , then call my doctor with the results , so I probably wouldn 't know anything until mid - week . I went out to see my mother today . We had lunch , then she and I went out and dug in the yard while Daddy did dishes and cleaned up the kitchen . I came home with a trunk - full of plants - - a big hosta , some Bishop 's Weed , a big clump of chives , and several different kinds of ground cover . I didn 't get everything put out , but I did finally pot the geraniums that I bought a couple of weeks ago , put the hosta in a big pot , and cleaned off the back porch a little bit . We have a maple tree , and the patio was covered with those little " windmill " seeds . I tried blowing them off the patio with the hose , but they stick , and since it rained today , we really didn 't need a lot more water out there . I guess I 'll let them dry and try sweeping them off . I picked up big handfuls of them and put them in a trash bag , but there are still millions of them out there . I had another one of my multi - anxiety dreams last night . I dreamt that we were on vacation in Florida , and I decided to go walk on the beach , but after I 'd been walking only a few minutes , I patted my pocket and realized that I didn 't have my keys . Which made me worry that I hadn 't locked the hotel door . I thought I 'd better go back , and turned around and started walking back up the beach , only to realize that I couldn 't remember where I 'd parked the car . Or even what kind of car it was , since it was a rental . At that point I thought , well , I guess I could just go back and walk on the beach some more , but no , I figured I 'd better take care of the car / keys thing . As I reach the street , I see that there has been a car accident , and I worry at first that they 've run into my rental car , but I finally find it - - a cream colored SUV - - and somehow , even though I didn 't have my keys , I have the car keys , and I drive away . And then I 'm back in Kansas City , and it 's snowing , and I can 't figure out what highway I 'm supposed to get on , and I can 't remember how to get back to the hotel , and not only do I not have my keys , but I don 't have my purse , either , so I don 't have my phone , and can 't call Bob . Sharon wrote and asked for a picture of the tulip geraniums that I talked about the other day . They 're really unusual and , I thought , really beautiful . The one on the right in the second photo was called an " Apple Blossom " geranium because of the white and pink color . They are all still sitting in my living room in front of the window , because it 's still too cold to put them outside . Soon , I hope . I took the day off yesterday and had a day 's worth of medical appointments : my annual ob / gyn checkup , a mammogram , and a new one , a bone scan . I had no idea what to expect from that one , but it turned out to be no big deal , and the technician was kind of a character . Very sunny and upbeat and cheerful ; all the nurses at that office are , really . The reception staff is kind of dour , but as a rule everyone is pretty nice . The nurse who did the bone scan said my bones were in great shape . She said I had " the hips of a teenager , " and , in fact , when I looked at the printout she gave me , I saw that my bone density numbers were better than the ones listed as the comparison point . I take calcium every day , and eat a lot of dairy , and do some weight - bearing exercise , all of which she said were obviously doing the job . I asked her if I needed to take more calcium , because I 'm taking 1200 mg , and I though you were supposed to be taking 1500 ( the pills are so large that I can really only force myself to take two at a time ) . She said no , that what I was doing was working , and I didn 't need to change anything . After that happy news , though , I got a call this morning from the radiologist 's office where I had the mammogram done . They want me to come back in for a sonogram to check something out . The nurse stressed several times that it wasn 't anything to worry about , that the radiologist thinks it 's probably a cyst , but he just wants to be sure . I 'm going in late Friday afternoon for that . And I 'm trying not to worry about it . Last weekend I went to the nursery to pick up some geraniums for the front porch . I found some really beautiful exotic ones , called " Tulip Geraniums . " These particular ones are hot pink , with each individual " flower " in the cluster forming sort of a cup , i . e . , the " tulip " of the name , I guess . They 're really unusual , and after I told my mom about them on the phone , I realized that she would probably like to have one , so I went back yesterday to get another one . While I was there , I made friends with a cat . I had picked up the geranium and was heading up to the check - out when I saw a little black and white cat dart under one of the tables . The greenhouse is huge , and I just kind of followed him from table to table , and he eventually ended up in a room in the back where they have various containers and pots for sale . He was pawing at a door that was almost closed , but he couldn 't get it open . I didn 't know , of course , whether he was supposed to go through the door , so I didn 't feel like I could open it for him . I crouched down and talked to him , and got him to come over close enough so I could touch him . He was a little skittish , but I just stayed down there , talking to him , and after a few minutes he came close enough to be stroked , and I sat down on the floor and he crawled up into my lap and purred . I guess I sat there with him about five minutes , then reluctantly , had to leave . It always feels like such a victory to make friends with a cat . I 'm not sure why , but it just feels very special . I asked the girl at the check - out counter what his name was . " Oreo . " Not exactly unique , but I guess it fit him . The other girl on the counter turned around and said , " We have a cat ? " When I had been there the weekend before , I had been amazed at some of the people who were there at the same time . There was a big crowd , and a long line , and while I was waiting , I was listening to a woman complain about the high prices , saying that she had been to another nursery , and " everything " was cheaper , everything was a dollar cheaper . She counted the plants in her basket , saying , " I could have saved , one , two , three , four dollars ! Enough to buy another flower ! " She said she wasn 't going to come back there again until they lowered their prices ! And after she left , the man in front of me turned around and said the nursery she was referring to was 20 miles away ! " She 's going to drive forty miles to save four dollars , " he said , shaking his head . Makes sense to me . There was another woman complaining that she had gotten a plant home , then noticed that it had a broken stem . It was some kind of a small bushy plant - - I couldn 't tell what kind - - but certainly not a tree with a broken branch or anything like that , just a plant . She said she wanted to know whether it had broken off , or whether it had been cut off because the stem was dead , or what , and the clerk was saying she didn 't know , but the plant looked fine , it looked healthy . The woman wanted her money back , and they wouldn 't give it to her . She said she was just unhappy because it wasn 't perfect , and I thought , lady , the plant 's going to grow ! It 's not like it 's an inanimate object . . .

I find myself exhausted by the end of the day and very little has been accomplished around the house . It amazes me that there are people , especially moms , out there who can keep house , tend to 4 + children , bake homemade bread , and run a farm . I don 't have time to make my soaps anymore and as for the farm : well , T1 takes care of most of the animals . Occassionally I will have to take care of the farm for a day or two . Things seem to go smoother on those days , believe it or not . So much has happened since October . T2 decided to have a major week long breakdown at Thanksgiving . She destroyed her room and then proceeded to destroy the rest of the house . She was doing okay during the daytime but staying up all night to find ways to demolish the house . Her big thing was stuffing rolls of tissue into the toilet and bathroom sink . Then flushing the john and leaving the water running . Three different times I found the bathroom swimming in water . We removed everything but the beds from the girls room , bathroom and the hallway . At night , we literally locked her out of the rest of the house and cut the water off to her side of the house . I ended up sleeping in the hall several nights to prevent her from hurting her younger sister . After a week , I had enough . One morning she sat at my table and told me " Our house is going to burn down . " I tried telling her that if it did she wouldn 't have a bed or any other stuff . " I don 't care . It is going to burn down " was her only answer . On another morning , I was bathing the two youngest children and she was watching me . Suddenly she reached over me , made a sweeping motion with her hand and said , " If you push F like these and hold her face in the water she will drown . " I almost threw up ! I told her that I wouldn 't want to hurt F and if she drown I would be sad and miss her . I told her that she would miss her too . " No I wouldn 't " she said as she turned and walked out of the room . As soon as I could , Monday morning at 9 : 00 , I reported what had been said to me . DSS came and removed her on Wedsnesday for the safety of the other children . My home has been much calmer since that day . We have been able to put out Christmas decorations and are making plans to decorate the girls bedroom . Neither of these things were possible before . T2 is in a single parent , single child home and is to start receiving therapy . I 'm still not sure that DSS believes what I have been telling them , and sometimes I worry what stories T2 is going to make up about us . She has told us some tall ones . They are believable except they are usually about us , and we know they didn 't happen . Our house is decorated for Christmas . Every nook and cranny is filled with Christmas surprises . Even the extended family is getting in on the fun . Everyone wants to give them something or take them to see something . We drove through the park looking at the light show , visited with Santa , and even put a flock of flamingos in my mom 's yard . Soon we will visit the nursing home with homemade ornaments and cards . There are cookies and candies to make , more parties to attend , a party to host ( tomorrow ) , presents to buy and wrap for each other , and tins of goodies for little elves to deliver to our neighbors . Our Advent calendar is almost finished and our Little People Nativity Set has almost survived its first Christmas . We are having a cold rain that may turn to ice over night . No snow , just ice . This is the time of year I get a little depressed . So the solution is to stay so busy that I don 't have time to think about being sad . With 4 little ones , staying busy is easy . It 's getting enough rest that is hard . Tomorrow morning I need to wrap more presents . I plan to go to see my mom again tomorrow evening . However , I may have to wait until Sunday . She seems to perk up when the kids and I come around . yesterday she stayed in bed all day . She said she just didn 't feel like getting up or eating . I brought the kids and in a short time she was sitting up so she could watch them play . Then Dennis and T came with the flamingos . We put them in the yard near Mother 's window , but she couldn 't see them from her bed . So , she decided that she needed to get up and go to the front porch for a better look . I helped her to her chair and away we went . She sat in her chair on the porch for several minutes admiring a flock of hot pink plastic birds . Then we went back inside , but not to bed . She wanted to " sit amongst the living . " She even ate a hamburger that my loving husband brought us after we realized that the oven wasn 't on and our dinner was raw and cold . Today was a better day for her . The days are like a roller coaster . One day we are on top others we are riding straight and smooth but most days we are plummeting down hill faster than I care to be going . I dread the day we come to the bottom of the last hill and round the bend into the station . I don 't worry about Mother 's future . It has been settled for a very long time . I wish she could stay here a little longer to enjoy watching our little ones grow . I pray daily that the Lord will make her death an easy one . She has suffered for about 4 years with unimaginable pain . Most days she never says anything . But I have watched her cry because someone touched her arm or she moved it to slip her clothes on . She has begun to talk a little about things . She 's scared . She doesn 't want to appear upset . But her entire being cries out for just a little more time . It isn 't because she is worried about going home . It is the process that is frightening . Okay , enough about that for now . The house is finally quiet . All the laundry for today is folded . The dogs are inside for the night , but the batPosted by It has been 2 months since I posted . So much has gone on . Some of it good , some of it not so good and some of it horrible . The last group is what I consider water under the bridge . Time to move on . At my last post , C was leaving for the Czech Republic . She has really enjoyed herself . She 's seen things that I can only dream of seeing . The last two and a half months , she has lived in a fantasy world . All of us are ready for her to come home . She 'll be here on the 20th . K , N , and F have all had birthdays . F 's 1st birthday celebration included the entire family . N celebrated his 2nd birthday with the immediate family after supper with a John Deere cake . Finally , K celebrated her 3rd birthday at the fair during a goat show . Several goat loving friends joined us for Dora cake . T2 's temper tantrums have not disappeared , but they are better . They don 't last as long and aren 't as violent ; at least when I am at home . She is very selfish , wanting everything for herself . She has tantrums anytime someone else gets something or does something she doesn 't do . However , she doesn 't want to share anything she gets and wants everyone 's undivided attention . She gets very upset if one of the other children gets to go with me and she has to stay home , even if she has gone solo with me the past 4 times . K has started having tantrums at bedtime . I think she is mimicking her sister . The screaming grinds on my nerves . It is hard to remain calm and focused when a 3 foot firecracker is exploding in the middle of the room . Especially this one , because she screams forever ! I hate having to wait out her tantrums . They don 't end . She has been known to still be crying 2 hours later over something minute . Suggestions are always welcome . F has learned to arch her back and throw herself into the floor when she doesn 't get what she wants or is told to leave something alone . I simply step over her and ignore . she will stop crying , get up , move to where I am , and start over again . After a few times , I take her by the hand and guide her to the playpen . ThaPosted by So much is happening around here . Our caseworker managed to pull a few strings with the Y . Now , the two oldest girls , B and T2 , are going to summer day camp . This has made my mornings quieter . You would be amazed at the volume of noise two girls can make . Our original canoe trip was great . There have been others since ; I wasn 't on any of them . It has become drier and , therefore , a lower water table . The last trip down river had a lot of walking , not what I call fun . The past two nights we have had severe storms with lots of thunder and lightening . At first I was concerned about the kids . But even when the thunder shook the house and the lightening made it brighter than day , they slept . Nothing new has happened with the adoption . Bio mom came for her visit this time . She talked to the kids about moving back in with her . Ugh ! I continue to struggle with wanting to pray for her and wanting to pray against her . Usually I do neither . This is where I need strength . T2 continues to have bouts of horrible behavior and temper tantrums that are very difficult to ignore . Some light has been shed onto her problems . Now when the day turns sour at least I can understand where some of her frustration is coming from . That makes it easier to handle . But with the new knowledge comes heartache . When I look into that sweet smile , sadness and anger flood my emotions . She is a confused child trying to deal with adult issues . C leaves for the Czech Republic today . It was been a long time coming . I have known that it was going to happen , but right now it feels too real . I straddle the fence on this issue as well . On the one hand , she needs to have fun and visit Lenny . Plus , we will have less conflict around here . On the other hand , she is an important part of our lives . It is going to be hard not seeing her . She is going to be gone for a lifetime : my mother 's . My mother isn 't expected to live many more weeks . I find that hard to fathom . We went to visit her yesterday . Each time I see her , she is a little weaker . She puts on a good show . She aPosted by I 'm tired ! Most of the time , I have enough energy to keep up with kids , but today I am exhausted and it isn 't even dinner time . For that matter , I haven 't planned dinner . Earlier today we burned out horns on two babies . It is never a fun job . This time it was horrible . These babies were orphans . Their mom died Monday . They are just beginning to trust us . Everything is a little crazy around here this evening . So much has happened . The house is very noisy : kids playing in one room with lots of noise making toys , the TV in another , the washer and dryer in the kitchen , the baby following people around crying to be picked up , my one year old waving at the computer monitor thinking our friend is on Skype , M is working in the kitchen , C is running back and forth through the house with her phone attached to her ear , Dennis is wanting to talk about our canoe trip tomorrow , and T1 is planning what she wants to do with her goats . Somewhere in this chaos is our family . Tuesday , Vanessa called to schedule a visit with bio mom on Thursday . She has to drive all morning to get here . At lunch time I called to see when and where we could meet . She informed me that we wouldn 't be meeting because bio mom decided not to come . I was elated and angry at the same time . We were told to prepare the kids for the visit . They were very disappointed when she didn 't show . I had plans for the two hours I was to be alone ; things I can 't do with kids . On the flip side , bio mom canceled the visit for whatever reason . That fact will play against her in court . After I strayed , I repented ; after I came to understand , I beat my breast . I was ashamed and humiliated because I bore the disgrace of my youth . ' Jeremiah 31 : 19O LORD , God of Israel , you are righteous ! We are left this day as a remnant . Here we are before you in our guilt , though because of it not one of us can stand in your presence . " Ezra 9 : 15This is my cry today . I am ashamed and humiliated . I can 't even stand in His presence . Now the big questions are : With His help can I make it right again ? and Can I change ? I must if I expect His forgiveness and help . Time to go to work making things right . It is going to be a long journey . It only takes a moment to mess up , but a lifetime to set it right again . We had a wonderful weekend . Friday we worked on the kids ' lapbooks . The are coming along . The girls would like for it to be faster but I don 't have much time . Still , we have made progress . Saturday , we went to the lake . Michelle and Aaron came down . She and T1 packed everything and everyone . I just showed up . We grilled burgers and wieners . Our therapist / friend joined us with her two children . T2 is ready to learn to swim . She loves to be thrown into the water . B is very much afraid of getting her face wet . She will be the last one to learn to swim . The kids came home exhausted . They played a little while then watched a movie . They went to bed without any fussing and slept quietly all night . The weekend was great until Grandma threw a wretch into the mix . She inadvertently started a fight between the oldest two children . Really she just gave them motive and opportunity . B and K were in their room for fighting . It had already been determined that I would take a child with me to the store . So I put clothes on the sofa for T2 , since she was the only one of the older kids that wasn 't in on the fight . Grandma sent her into the bedroom , where the other two girls were , to put her dirty clothes in the hamper . ( She could have put them in the pile in front of the washer . ) She bragged . Crying , screaming , hitting and scratching followed . No one started it , of course . But in the end T2 had to stay home . She threw a crazy fit ; throwing things , screaming , spitting , jumping , hitting , biting , and kicking the wall . I removed her from the room and put her in the corner in my bathroom , the only place she could scream and not be heard all over the house . Then I took N and went to the store . Some days I 'm not sure of Grandma 's intentions . She knows that the oldest two are constantly in competition with one another , yet she still does things to promote the conflict . Last night Dennis and I rode to the grocery store to pick up a few things . We weren 't going to be there long , so we took T2 with us . She is the one that is usually left out . WhePosted by Yes , I did say school . Just because they will be attending public school this fall doesn 't mean that they can 't do school activities this summer . Learning is a never ending process . It doesn 't take a break , so neither do we . Besides we use the unschooled approach for the first few years . You know , library books on the table ; and math flash cards , geography games and scrabble on the game shelves . We write on the driveway with chalk , learn songs , and watch educational videos . But we don 't do school ! We learn ! Our newest vocabulary word comes from 4 yr old , T2 : mush martins , better known to the rest of the world as marshmallows . While she was " cooking " , with grass and hay , she announced that it was time to eat . She had cooked candy and mush martins . The perfect meal . Things are somewhat quiet , for now . Most of the crew is napping . B is reading and doing workbook pages . F is in the bouncer hanging in the doorway . Grandma is in the kitchen . T1 and C are upstairs cleaning . I have started supper : squash blackeyed peas and cornbread . I plan to make ice cream with goat milk when Dennis gets home and locates the churn . I took F out of the bouncer and put her in the playpen . She is having a little fit because she wants to be held instead of taking her nap . She is standing in the playpen , looking over the top at me and begging to be picked up . I am considering moving the playpen into another room ; preferably in another house . She is crying mama mama , then dada dada . We are waiting for Toyia , the CW , to come for her visit . Usually she is here by now . I think I will call her and see if something has happened . To say that I have been busy would be a lie . I haven 't had time to think ! Things have been going on around here , some good and others . . . well they could have been better . I 'm going to hit the high points . T1 graduated ! ! ! ! ! ! I still find it hard to believe that my baby is grown . She has matured so over the last few years , but I never dreamed that she would be so much an adult so fast . She plans to attend tech school this fall and go for Vet tech . I can 't imagine her doing anything else . Bio mom had her 1st visit in 12 months . The kids have had a hard time with this one . They have cried and fought . I finally sat down and explained everything I knew to B . I told her all about our plans to adopt her and her siblings , why her mom was in jail , who gets to decide her future , and how we can affect their decision . The biggest concern was that she would have to leave us and return to her bio mom . I tried to reassure her without promising the moon . Just knowing that she is wanted here and we are trying to keep her helped her attitude . Her behavior improved at school and at home . I found out that I was jealous . I didn 't want the kids to be upset when they saw her , but I didn 't want them to be happy to see her either . In the end , I was glad they had fun visiting her . But , I want them to stay here . Mother stayed with us for a few nights . She is still fighting the battle . It has been hard for me to switch places with her and be the caregiver . I think my sister pushes too hard . She wants Mother to lay back and do nothing . Her husband did that way . Maybe it is the only way she knows to take care of Mother . I think Mother is coming here for the day . Tiffany 's dance recital was grand . Again , it was a reminder of just how old she really is . She was almost as excited about the children 's dances as her own . The senior dance was very pretty . She did such a good job on all three dances . I am going to miss watching her every spring . Seeing our crippled little girl twirling around on stage always makes me cry . No one else can see what a miraclPosted by It has been a very busy week . We have been moving ! Just part of the clan ! The girls have been moving from upstairs to downstairs and C has been doing the reverse . This seems to have taken care of the closet monsters . Evidently C is meaner than an old monster . Marshmallows ? No , moth balls . Grandma put them in her flowerpots to ward off the squirrels . T2 saw them and decided they are marshmallows . Now I have to worry that someone will slip out and taste one . I explained that they are poison , for all the good explaining will do . We have to new babies in the barn , girls ! Brigdet gave us to cute little girls yesterday afternoon . Everytime I watch a baby being born , I am amazed . We watch the doe for months , noting the slightest change . The closer her due comes the more cautious we are . Then suddenly she stops grazing and resting and starts preparing for her babies . She separates herself from the herd , finds a quiet place , and paws the ground to soften their landing . It can take a few hours of contractions or just a few minutes . But as soon as the babies are here , Mom cleans them and they stand to find her milk . Less than an hour after they are born , they are playing and eating , Mom is grazing , and everything has fallen into place . Court didn 't go as planned . The judge sides with the mom . She thinks that the mom should have more opportunities to neglect , drug , and mistreat her kids . Plus if she can 't have them , the judge wants the family , all druggies , to take them . This is going to be long and hard . it may end up in heartbreak . This judge is willing to separate the children , something no one else wants . For now we will love them and take care of them . But mainly we will wait . This morning T1 and T2 went monster hunting . It seems that B has been telling stories . Telling stories to scare your sisters is bad enough , but scaring yourself in the process is worse . The girls have been told so many things they don 't know what to believe . I have been trying to reassure them about monsters for weeks . The first time I knew their fear of monsters was serious was the evening B had to go to bed early . She had to go to bed before everyone else . The other girls stayed up an extra 30 minutes . I went upstairs to see why she wasn 't in bed 20 minutes after she had been sent there . She was sitting upright in the middle of her bed with the covers wrapped around her , all the lights were on , her dolls and stuffed toys were piled in her bed , and she had propped open the child safety gate at the top of the stairs ( So she could run without stoppin ' to get the gate to open ! ) Today , T2 needed to take her clean clothes to her closet . After 10 minutes , the clothes and the child were still at the bottom of the stairs . She explained that she couldn 't go by herself . After a few questions we discovered that there was a monster living in her closet , and she just couldn 't go in there alone . T1 took her by the hand and announced that they were going hunting . They looked everywhere in the room ; in the closets , in the bathroom , under the beds , even in the toy box . They didn 't find any monsters . T2 felt better about the room until B came home and told her that monsters hide if they see grownups and in the daytime . The solution is simple . Actually we had already set it in motion before we knew there was a problem . We moved them to a bedroom downstairs , C 's bedroom . C is now in the room with the closet monsters . They better watch out or she 'll hunt them down . B says she likes the new room better because there isn 't any scary sounds and the monsters aren 't downstairs . Thank God ! Now I know what some of you are thinking : we should explain the truth about monsters to them . Been there already ; didn 't work . We should tell them that GoPosted by It was great to be allowed to see Easter through the eyes of the children . This was the first time they had celebrated it together . There were a lot of firsts this weekend . The first time they had dyed eggs , and maybe the last . They splashed dye everywhere . I had a frayed nerves . K soaked her hand in the yellow dye ! T2 splashed blue dye onto the carpeted kitchen floor . Don 't ask " Why carpet in the kitchen ? " Just accept it . Yes , cracked eggs can still be dyed . The first time the Easter bunny has visited them . " Who is the Easter bunny , and what does he do ? " The first time they had heard the real Easter story . This has prompted me to try a unit study about Easter . I know that it is a little late , but B and T2 won 't mind . The first time they have ever hunted eggs . They couldn 't believe that we would hide our real eggs outside . Eggs don 't hold up very well with toddlers . I think they had a good day . I know that I did . During all the rush to prepare , I lost sight of the real purpose of celebrating Easter . Five little baskets sat in my den waiting for five bright pairs of eyes . There were baskets for all the rest of the family as well , but those five were special . Not because they held anything expensive , just a little candy and a few cheap toys . They were about new beginnings and experiencing changed lives . God showed me little lessons all day long . Praise God ! B , the oldest , got a Bible , a hot pink one . She squealed and yelled , " I got my own , real Holy Bible ! " Then she danced around the room singing about her Holy Bible . She plans to read all of it , starting now ! I wish we all were that enthusiastic about God 's Word . T2 fumbled through her basket and found a little piece of candy and another and another and another . Each time she became more excited . That is what God does for us . when we look for His Will , He gives us a little piece to hang on to and follow . One little piece at a time He shows us His plan for our lives and the excitement builds . K gently examined the contents of her basket , amazed with what she found . What God has planned for us is far greater than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves . He is so good . N had to be coached with his basket . He wasn 't sure that he was allowed to take things out of it . Maybe it wasn 't really his . I do this with God . I second guess God instead of stepping up without question . Sometimes I must miss the blessing He has in store for me . F sat with her basket which had only 4 little items . Her eyes were huge and her smile spread across her entire face . She bounced with excitement . It didn 't matter that she only had a little , she was happy with what she had been given . That was God reminding me to be thankful for what I have both physical and spiritual . I have all I need and can handle . Then at church I sat in awe as I watched snips from " The Passion of the Christ " and later watched as hundreds of people got out of their seats and walked down the aisles to become followers of Christ . ThPosted by Nugget the family house dog decided to go outside at 4am . Things were too quiet for her . None of the neighborhood dogs were barking . It was time for her to stir the pot . I have to be honest and say that I was angry as I walked to the back door with my eyes shut . Because of my anger I almost missed a beautiful morning . The yard was bathed in moonlight . The little dogwood tree , which is in full bloom , appeared to glow as the silvery light joined with the bright white blossoms . There was a light fog hanging over the green pasture in front of the house . The world was calm and quiet . It seems that even the animals wanted to enjoy the spell that had been cast over the area . Nugget couldn 't find any one to bark with her . God got me up early so I could get a jump on the events of the morning . Both of the adult girls have to work . C is going to the coffee shop and T1 is baby sitting for a family from our church . So I have house and barn duty today . I am taking N out to the barn with me to work . This may be a mistake , but I don 't want him to wake up and cry the entire time I am gone . Even worse , wake my MIL and have her fussing . So with that settled I am going to the barn . Well , everyone woke up while I was in the barn . The 3 girls came running through the house , screaming at each other and crying because they wanted to come outside with me . This commotion woke up the baby and Grandma . I sent the girls back upstairs with orders not to come down stairs unless the house was on fire . That lasted about 5 minutes . We have 3 goats in milk . Their babies aren 't very old , about 2 weeks . So , most of the milk goes to them . Next week , we will separate them at night and milk the does before putting them back together the next morning . But today , I brought each one out of the pasture and put them on the milk stand for less than 3 cups of milk . Once I finished milking I scattered feeding buckets around the backyard . Then I released all of the does . They ate the grain and then grazed on the tender green grass in the yard . They are better thaPosted by 9 - 10 They arrived at the place to which God had directed him . Abraham built an altar . He laid out the wood . Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the wood . Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son . 11 Just then an angel of God called to him out of Heaven , " Abraham ! Abraham ! " " Yes , I 'm listening . " 12 " Don 't lay a hand on that boy ! Don 't touch him ! Now I know how fearlessly you fear God ; you didn 't hesitate to place your son , your dear son , on the altar for me . " Genesis 22 : 9 - 12Abraham 's faith is enormous . Mine in comparison is so small . It is hard for me to wrap my mind around that type of faith . Dennis I lost several babies before they were born . Even with my faith in God , it was very difficult . But , He never asked me to deliberately sacrifice one of my children . I never had to make the decision to murder a child in His name . I can image what Abraham was thinking . " Lord , I am trusting in You to keep me safe when I go home to Sarai ! " I wonder what the conversation was like during and after this event between Abraham and Isaac . I feel like I am neglecting my children , all of them . For the last 8 weeks , life has been about survival . I want to do more than survive . I want to make an impact on my children . So , I am starting a list of things I want to accomplish with each child . MICHELLE - One morning of yard sale shopping . Helping her make dinner at her house one night . Coffee and dessert one day , just the two of us . CRYS - Movie together . Shopping by ourselves . Just some time alone to do whatever . TIFFANY - Several hours away from home without kids . Two solid hours a day of school instruction . Quiet time with just the two of us . B - Craft time together . Cooking with the adult girls . Serious conversation about what love is . Doing a unit study or 2 over the summer . T2 - Cuddle time without other kids . Working on a simple craft together . Playing together . K - Cuddle time . Playdoh together . A simple craft . N - Cuddle time . PlaydohF - Cuddle time . A big item I hope we can do together with all the kids is to go camping . Now that Posted by This week is caseworker week . Sunday , one caseworker came for a visit and went to church with us . Yesterday , another caseworker visited . Today , still another caseworker is going to visit us . The children have learned that the caseworkers are only visiting , so there aren 't tears any more . I lost my wallet , Sunday . There was no money in it ; just insurance cards , checks , debit cards , and other important papers . The good news is that I found it yesterday . It was in my pants ' pocket . Boy , do I feel stupid . We are getting ready for graduation . I have been so scatter - brained that nothing has been done . I feel real bad . I have dropped the ball with T1 . We have gotten behind in her school work and now I haven 't prepared for her graduation . Today , I am going to spend time working on her and her projects . I have decided to start home learning with the kids . We are going to do lapbooks on Easter . I think it will be fun . If it works out , we will do unit studies all summer . I am sure one will be the fruits of the Spirit . Everyone is up and wanting breakfast . First , it is almost impossible to type one - handed . Second , when you are 7 months old and eating in Mom 's arms , the clicking and lights from the computer are so interesting that it is hard to finish the breakfast you had ordered earlier . C twittered " bummer . " She summed up yesterday . The weather reflected the way I felt : cloudy and drab . Today isn 't going to be much better . I took my oldest daughter , L , to Atlanta to the airport to go home . She may not be my legal daughter , but she is my daughter in my heart , where it counts . It was very hard to keep my composure . Everyone cried . I knew that if I let myself , I would cry all the way back home . Crying makes driving difficult . Even by plane she is now 12 hours away . At the airport , B and T2 sobbed ; T1 , C and L held each other and wept ; even K got in on the act . She wrapped her arms around L 's neck and wouldn 't let go . Taking her to the airport was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done . We didn 't have enough time together . Two weeks is way too short . She had to leave just as the party was getting started . I know we can talk on the computer , but I am going to miss her hugs and seeing her napping on the couch . Even Nugget , the dog , is mopey today . Children have a way of brightening even the darkest moments . K is standing in our sunroom with my bedroom slippers on her tiny feet . They are sock monkey slippers ! She is planning to go to the barn with T1 to take care of the goats . N is standing beside me smiling . He is sucking up because a moment ago he pulled his diaper bag off the table and emptied it onto the floor . We just had an Easter egg hunt ; only we used shoes , namely K 's . Now she is running through the house to the backdoor . I have been looking for baby chicks . Last fall I sold my chickens because my coop was in great need of repair . Now I wish I had kept them . They were good young laying hens , not even a year old . The day is in full swing , and I am still sitting in front of the computer screen . N had surgery this morning . He is doing great . We are all in the den . The older two girls are playing a new game with T1 , C and L , our Czech friend . N and K are determined to be included . They are sitting in laps and occasionally reach out for game pieces . F is in Grandma 's lap . She is happy as long as she is being held . I think she needs to have some food before bedtime ; maybe green peas or squash . Dennis is holding 2 kids , baby goats . We bring them inside shortly after they are born to get them acclimated to people . I had to take a short break . One of the little goats needed to go outside for a minute . While I was up , I gave N his meds and put drops in his ears . T1 took the goats back to their mom . The scene in my den reminds me of Christmas . The kids are sprawled in the floor . Dennis is lying on the couch with N sitting on his chest playing with a little truck . Grandma is in her chair holding F , who is squealing . The dog is asleep in front of the fireplace . If there was a fire in said fireplace , the scene would be picture perfect . The dog found K 's shoes that she took off outside and chewed them . They were nice shoes . She will have to wait until after the 16th to get another pair . Her next pair will probably be sandals . A friend has come over to visit with L . I need to get off and be social . Every morning I thank the Lord for all of my wonderful children . Then I praise Him because He hasn 't sent me any more ! ! I love my children . Each is very unique . M calls every morning on her way to work . She matured into a very levelheaded young woman . She has actually learned to keep a clean house . Her calling is with children . She handles every situation calmly ; a must with kids . C attacks each day like it is an adventure . She still isn 't sure what she wants to be . She hops from one thing to the next , never staying with anything long . She has seen more places and done more things than the rest of the family . Her to do list gets longer all the time . She is talented in almost everything she tries . T1 is my laid back country girl who loves her animals immensely . She 'd rather be in the barn surrounded by goats . She does have one little offshoot to her personality : She loves to dance ; ballet and lyrical are the 2 she is working on right now . Most evenings she can be found at the dance studio , teaching or taking lessons . L , my Czech daughter ( I explain more later ) , reminds me of Crys . She works with children all day and always seems to have energy leftover . She is able to handle most situations when it comes to kids . She smiles constantly . Her presence fills the room with happiness . I smile myself when thinking about her . I 'm going to miss her so much when she goes home to Czech . B is still confused . She craves our approval , attention and love . But when she has them she is skeptical . Inside she is a small child ; outwardly , she tries to be in charge . She smiles and giggles and has a great personality until things don 't go as she plans then she becomes stubborn and pouts . Her biggest concern is food : will she get it and how much can she have ? She is having to learn to play the role of child . T2 is loving and attention seeking . The most important thing to her is that she has every one 's undivided attention . An impossible feat in a house with 4 other children . She lives with us and plays with her siblings , but really she has a wPosted by God has blessed us with another rainy day . Maybe our drought is finally broken . N is waiting at the front door for the school bus to bring his sister , T2 , home . K and T1 are playing in my room . We planted seeds in egg crates this morning . It is always fun to play in the dirt . The dog is back again . I think she is going to stay here . Yesterday , B brought home a " book " for me . The front had a picture of her with the caption " I 'm A Mommy 's Girl . " I believe that is her way of apologizing for her recent behavior . She struggles so hard . She doesn 't come right out and ask but she wants to be reassured about our love for her . I have started washing clothes , and already I am behind for the day . This blasted computer has been acting up . I have spent most of my morning trying to make it work ! My schedule for the week has been officially thrown out the window . Dennis ' Explorer should be ready today . He has been patiently waiting for over a week . We really could have used it yesterday when we bought groceries . We had to pack everything into the back of the Suburban because of the rain . By the way , the freezer looks nice packed with food again . I hope to go to Sam 's Club today and finish my shopping . I need to get back to the clothes now . I have procrastinated long enough . Well , we found the new owners of the dog . It had not traveled the 30 + miles from the farm we had sold it to . They had sold it to a family about a mile from our house . They picked her up Monday morning and she came back yesterday . I don 't think this is going to work . She wants to be here . We may have to buy her back . What a Bummer ! We finally have babies in the barn . Three of our does delivered on the same day . We have 4 boys and 1 girl . Not too good odds . hey , it could be worse . They could all be boys ! We are through the honeymoon period with B . She has tried everything to see if we still will love her . My nerves are shot . She looks me in the face and lies . If I hadn 't seen it with my only beady little eyes I would believe her . She starts the other children then tells on them . Monday , B rushed in the backdoor and announced that K was playing in water . This translated " drinking from the goat trough . " I scolded K . Later B again announced that K was playing in water . K stood wide eyed with water in one of her toys and the front of her shirt and pants were soaked . . She had to sit in timeout . I made sure there was no accessible water in the play area . A very short time later , I witnessed B scooping water out of a previously empty container into a rusty coffee can ( one we used in the barn of storing things . ) She proceeded to hand it to K , who drank it . I called them all to the backdoor . B denied everything . I sent them to their room to put on PJs and go to bed . No more outdoor play . B had turned on the water faucet and filled a bucket . Tuesday , everything was great until bedtime . Last night , my youngest bio daughter put T2 and K , the 4 and 2 year old , to bed . B was doing school work . She announced as her sisters went to bed that T2 had on her shirt . T1 explained that it was an accident and after T2 took it off in the morning , we would wash it and put it in the right drawer . An hour later with her sisters already asleep , B slipped upstairs to brush her teeth and dress for bed . She came running back downstairs to get water wPosted by We sold 2 of our guard dogs to a farm about 30 miles away because we didn 't have enough room for them . They have been gone for several weeks . This morning one of them showed up at our back door . She was very excited to see us . We are going to have to figure something out . This can 't work . John 15 : 16 - 17 ( New Living Translation ) 16 You didn 't choose me . I chose you . I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit , so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for , using my name . 17 This is my command : Love each other . Isn 't it beautiful ? He chose us even though He knew what we were going to be and do . His grace is inexhaustible . Such a simple command ; so hard to do . It is quiet this morning . I am alone ! C got up early to iron B 's hair . Then T1 volunteered to take B to school . The others are still asleep . Finally , F is sleeping through the night . Hopefully this trend will continue . Our Czech friend , Lenny , arrived last night . It is great to have her back home . I think I overbooked my day . My mom is taking radiation treatments , and I have a phone interview with SS . To top everything the foster CW is coming some time day to visit with us . Oh dear , what should I do ? I can 't be at 2 places at one time . After visiting with the children on Friday , they came to visit us on Saturday , 24th . Again , the visit was much to short . It seemed that they were only here a few minutes . We had hoped to play in the backyard with the children and show them the goats . The weather was too cool and windy to stay outside very long . Besides the girls were very afraid of all the animals . N followed Dennis around the yard . B and T2 tried to be brave and look at the goats , while F and K soaked up attention from everyone . On Monday , the 26th , Toyia went and officially told one of the foster moms that we were getting the children . She waived her 10 days . However the other mom wouldn 't . So , we would have to wait 10 more days before they could come to stay . On Friday , Jan . 30th , Tiffany and I drove 2 1 / 2 hours to somewhere way below Saluda to meet Toyia . On the way Shirley , my sister , called to say that her husband was in the hospital ; he had a stroke . I wished I could be with her and also that he would be able to see the children one day . We met on a long lonely stretch of road and piled all the children into our suburban . At first they were very quiet . Then as we got to Saluda they announced they were hungry . With no money or debit card , the only choice I had was to go into a drugstore and buy food with a check . I left T1 in the car with all the kids . When I got back to the car and opened the door , I was nearly knocked off my feet . The smell was terrible . Sweet little F had given us a present . T needed to go to the potty . Oh , so did B . So , we bundled everyone and went for our first adventure . It was crazy . We didn 't have diapers for N , who really needed a change . I stayed with the children at the bathrooms , and T1 bought diapers . I changed diapers assembly style . Finally we were back on the road . At Greenwood , I called and ordered pizza from a place in Abbeville . I went in with only F to get it . I was only gone a few minutes but T1 said it felt like hours . While there I was asked by a 9 year old if F was my baby . When I told her yes , she lookePosted by Hooray ! K didn 't cry today when we left her at her class while we were in church . This is a major accomplishment . The new children 's section of the church looks fabulous . My heart still hurts , and I want to cry every time I think about church . We expected support from the people there . Instead , we have met opposition from several close friends . Each one has a different excuse for their " helpful " comments . I don 't think they realize how hurtful their words are . I 'm not sure they actually know the basis for their concerns . None of them were concerned until we brought our 5 very brown children with us to church . For the record , we followed Perry 's teaching . We didn 't just step out of our comfort zone ; we jumped . It wasn 't an easy decision . There was many times I quit . And just as many times God called me out on it . Doing God 's will isn 't always easy , but it is much better than being miserable doing my own thing . Satan couldn 't stop us with fear , so he is trying to undermine God 's plan with His own people , a few of the leaders of our church . GET BEHIND US SATAN ! Oh well , they will come around one day . In the meantime , we are basking in the love and kind words of the hundreds of well - wishers that are in the church . After church yesterday , M , C and T1 kept the kids and let Dennis and I go on a much needed lunch date . We had a blast . After just 2 hours to ourselves , we came home refreshed . Last night I took the children to visit my mom . Taking 5 small children to visit at a nursing facility is not for the faint of heart , no it is for the weak minded ! We stopped at the drug store next to the home and bought juice and pretzels to ward off hunger . The first thing that happened was that juice " just spilted by itself . " I cleaned the floor . Mother held the baby and fed her . Then we laid her on the bed and watched her try to crawl . The aids came in and raved about the kids . Of course , that gave the older girls a reason to act silly . Then if I didn 't think I had been punished enough for my nice lunch , I took them food shopping . ThePosted by School is out today . There is more conflict with B . She simply refuses to submit to authority . The honeymoon is over ! I am going to have to dig in my heels . This morning there was fighting and nasty talk upstairs . Of course everyone except B did it . Strange how none of that goes on when B isn 't here . She is an instigator . Nap time is another issue with B here . I don 't think she does anything ; however , the other two girls try to talk to her and want to get into her bed . B doesn 't have to nap . She just has to sit quietly and not keep the others awake . Disobeying that results in having to bring her pillow downstairs and sleep in an empty corner . Needless to say she doesn 't usually bother the others during nap . . . . She just managed to make a liar out of me . She has been down the stairs 3 times in the last two minutes . I need nap time . It allows me to put myself back together . With everyone quiet , I can read , clean house , wash clothes , or visit my computer . Today I chose the computer . It is T1 's birthday . She is 18 ! Last week I was pushing her in the stroller and carrying around an apnea monitor . May how time flies . Tonight we go to my oldest child 's , M , house . She and my SIL are planning a little party . We are having hot dogs , cake and ice cream . M has to work late so looks like I will be picking up the goodies . The rest of my day is wasted . After nap , we 'll have to hurry and dress . Then I 'll go to the store for items for the party . Next , we will go pick up Mother if she feels like going to the party . She doesn 't drive any longer because her arm is useless and she is always in pain . Just for the record , there are 3 little girls with their pillows laying in three separate corners of downstairs . Two of them are asleep . Things have been hectic around here . Yesterday one of our case workers came for a visit . The weather has been warm , so the children wanted to play outdoors . She came during nap time . The distance she has to travel makes it difficult for her to get here earlier , and she can 't get her much later because she has to pick up her own children . She stopped by the school and picked up B about 40 minutes before school was over . We woke the children before she arrived and explained her visit . They get very upset if she arrives unannounced , because they are afraid she is taking them away . B wants to write to her bio mom and ask her some pointed questions . I can 't wait to hear the lies ! C had been working on T2 's hair . Toyia sat down and finished it . She explained the right way to do the little twists . She insisted that C had done a good job . Regardless , the ones she did looks the best . She even redid a few of C 's . She stayed and watched the kids play for several hours . I always enjoy her . However , K decided to test the water while she was here . She pushed me several times and ended up sitting in time - out , twice . Toyia didn 't seem to mind my discipline method . I refuse to be pushed around by a bossy two year old . The power was off again yesterday , so we didn 't have BBQ last night . It has to cook all day in my crock pot . Instead , I fixed the kids their favorite meal - PBJ sandwiches . After they had eaten , D and I made tacos from leftover taco meat . You should have heard the outcry . I laughed and remind them that they refused to have leftovers earlier . They insisted on PBJ . When will they learn ? No power meant that we pickuped and dusted and wiped down the bathrooms . We didn 't wash clothes or dishes . No one got baths . The floors didn 't get vacuumed . Still , a lot was accomplished . We keep checking on our goats , especially Cherry , her due date is tomorrow . She doesn 't look like she plans to freshen any time soon . She is a prankster . She will look perfectly normal but less than an hour later she will be in full labor and in trouble . Posted by Well , it is after everyone 's bedtime and I am having a hard time winding down for the night . So , I 'll tell a little more of my story . As I had said the children were younger and greater in number than we were expecting . That fact meant that we had to buy beds , car seats and an array of supplies . I began to scour the classified ads . I had to have 3 toddler car seats , an infant car seat , and a booster seat that was rated for larger children . Once I found all the car seats , I had to find beds . We had a twin bed , but we definitely didn 't have baby beds . I bought 5 different cribs before I got 2 that would work . We actually ended up with an extra toddler bed . Total bed count is 1 twin , 3 toddler , and 2 cribs . We are storing the extra toddler bed for N . The list of supplies seemed endless . I bought , begged and bartered until I thought I had everything . We got the children 's sizes , but were told that they might not be right . I didn 't want to spend money on something that might not fit . So , we waited . The presentation meeting wasn 't until after Christmas . We had to drive 2 1 / 2 hours for the meeting . The dynamics of the meeting is hard to describe . Four different groups were represented . Of course , the prospective parents were there , D and I . The other 3 were part of DSS . We live in one region of our state and the children were from a different region , so case workers from both regions were there . Since they were in foster care the foster care case workers showed as well . Regardless of what we had been told . We were not all wanting the same thing . The CWs from our region were jealous and very negative about everything . The foster CWs were evasive and of little help . They wanted to place the children back with their bio mom . The only ones trying to get us to accept the children were the CWs for their region . The 3 groups growled and postured the entire meeting . We went into the meeting knowing that unless we found out something horrible about the kids , we were taking them . We left with a bad taste in our mouths : not from the Posted by Okay , I get to gripe ! Daylight savings time stinks or at least the changing of the clocks does . B wanted an alarm clock so she could get herself up for school . It worked for the last 2 weeks . This morning she was late for school . I forgot about it when I was changing the clocks . Yesterday , F got up on her knees and pushed her way across the floor . This was a big accomplishment , because when she came to us she didn 't move at all . N just beat up my 21 yr old , C . She was trying to take an ink pen away from him . He hit her with it across the knuckles . She almost cried . In August of 2007 , I was surfing the net , looking for something about heart disease help in SC . I came across a website called SC Heart Gallery . It was pics of children . After a few minutes I figured out that the pics were of high risk adoptable kids in SC . Dennis came through the house and looked over my shoulder . He pointed to a family of 3 kids and said they were the ones he wanted . That was all I needed . For years I have wanted to adopt , but Dennis had always said no . I had finally given up on the idea . Now , my dream could come true . Over the next 10 months , we went to classes and filled out papers : lots of papers . There were background checks , home visits , home inspections , and dozens of other things we had to do . By the time we were finished DSS knew more about us than we did . Then we had to wait for DSS to do their paperwork . To say that I am not very patient would be an understatement . Waiting was very difficult . In September 2008 , we got our approval . Finally we could be considered as parents for a family of children . We had decided that we wanted a sibling group of 2 or 3 older kids . Once we were approved there was more waiting for someone to decide we fit a family . The first week of December on a Wednesday night , I talked with God and told Him that I was ready to move forward in whatever direction He chose . See , I had been trying to make something happen . Dennis and I had talked about the fact that adoption may not have been God 's idea for our lives as we had thought . I had felt from the beginning that God had called me to take in a family of adoptive kids . But I had set limits on God . That night in December , I turned loose of my dream and reaffirmed my commitment to God 's will . I ask that He show me the direction He wanted me to go . I didn 't want to waste time on a project that wasn 't in His plan . The next morning around 10 o ' clock , Toyia called to tell me about a 10 year old boy . I wanted a child so bad , it was hard to turn him down . But , I knew what God had orginally told me . We were going to adopt a faPosted by Sunday was another day of firsts . The first funeral , the first time my whole family has met the kids , the first family dinner , the first big accident , the first snow , the first campout / in . The children had never been to a funeral . The 1 year old , N , wouldn 't be quiet so we went outside of the chapel and played . The 6 month old , F , dirtied her diaper and had to have all her clothes changed . The 2 year old , K , the 4 year old , T , and the 7 year old , B , sat quietly . However T had tears rolling down her face through most of the service . At the end during the closing hymn she began to wail and sob uncontrollably . She has such a tender heart . The kids captured the hearts of my family . Any fears I had about them being accepted vanished . N held his hands up for everyone to take him . His fat cheeks and thighs were squeezed dozens of times . At the end of the day everyone was exhausted from passing him around . F smiled and cooed . A little baby can win even the hardest hearts . K , T , and B played with my nieces and nephews all day . The children had never seen so much food , and they tried to consumed as much of it as possible . I finally had to put limits on how much of certain things they could eat . I honestly believe they would still be eatting if I hadn 't stopped them . B won the prize for the most surprising thing of the day . She has only been in the family for 3 weeks , and she managed to do something none of the other kids has done . She broke a window . She sat in my brother - in - law 's electric chair and played with the lever . The back of the chair reclined right through the window . She was upset , mainly because she had been told the kids weren 't allowed to bother the chair , and she sat in it anyway . Noone knew that the chair would recline if it wasn 't on . Now we know ! The men rushed to replace the pane . Within a few hours everything was back to normal . No big deal . But , I bet B won 't forget it any time soon . It rained all day Saturday and most of Sunday . Sunday had a mix of rain , sleet and snow . Early afternoon it changed over to sPosted by Today I had to explain the difference in a funeral and a visitation . Visitation is the time when all our friends come see the body and tell us how much they care about us . While the funeral is when we listen to the preacher and songs . It is our way of saying goodbye to the dead . To a family of children that have never been socialized , visitation is an excellent time to test my nerves . First , a seven year old , B , was much more interested in the way the dead felt to her touch than the way the living felt about her touching the deceased . The 4 year old , T , wanted attention and tried to obtain it by hanging upside down in a chair . Putting your dresstail over your head gives people a great view of your belly and chest , and gives you the perfect accuse to run into those same people and the furniture in the room . If you don 't believe me , just ask my 2 year old , K . The 2 babies , N and F , were passed around the room . It was a challenge for me to keep up with where they were . Then T asked , " Is he asleep ? " " No . " " Is he dead ? " " Yes . " " Can he get up ? " " No . " Then she walks away . Suddenly she starts sobbing uncontrollably . The whole thing was too much first her . I scooped her up and got her out of the situation . She finally calmed down allowing me to supervise our exodus . Daddy brought the suburban to the door then carried out one child at a time . Michelle buckled each child into its seat . It is nice to have adult children who help without being asked . We stopped on the way home for milk . I went in alone . Daddy was brave and stayed with the kids in the car . Everyone was glad when I got back to the car . No one complained about going to bed . I am going to bed now . Wow , I never thought I would become a blogger . Life has become much more challenging the last few months and as a result , I feel the need to journal things . Adding 5 new children to the family has definitely stirred the mix ! Feel free to follow me through my daily events , both routine and not - so - routine . It is time for the rest of my world to wake up , so I 'll be getting off soon . Over the next few days I will be transferring my hard copy journal into this blog . Today 's schedule is simple : Breakfast for the masses ; a bath for the two - year old who will get up wet ( Yes , she is wearing a diaper . ) ; folding clean clothes ; starting a meatloaf for supper ; packing diaper bags ; taking Mother for a CT scan ; going to sister 's house to be with family ; and eventually coming home to eat , play , bathe , and go to bed . It isn 't as simple as it sounds . However , it isn 't as stressful as some people try to make it . I am a daughter of the Lord Most High , the wife of a wonderful man for 27 years , and Mom to 8 children - 3 bio and 5 that we are in the process of adopting . Our home is a small " farm " with a baker 's dozen goats and a range of other animals . We milk the goats and gather chicken eggs . Over the years I have done a variety of jobs to earn extra money to help offset our expenses . But , my primary job has been homeschool teacher to my children . My youngest bio graduates this year and until the other 5 are legally ours , I will be forced into retirement . I have decided that life is exciting and a little hectic . If I don 't write about things as they happen , I 'll forgot them . That is the purpose of this blog - to help me remember .

An old queen , whose husband had been dead some years , had a beautiful daughter . When she grew up , she was betrothed to a prince who lived a great way off ; and as the time drew near for her to be married , she got ready to set off on her journey to his country . Then the queen , her mother , packed up a great many costly things - jewels , and gold , and silver , trinkets , fine dresses , and in short , everything that became a royal bride ; for she loved her child very dearly ; and she gave her a waiting - maid to ride with her , and give her into the bridegroom 's hands ; and each had a horse for the journey . Now the princess ' horse was called Falada , and could speak . One day , as they were riding along by the side of a brook , the princess began to feel very thirsty , and said to her maid , " Pray get down and fetch me some water in my golden cup out of yonder brook , for I want to drink . " " Nay , " said the maid , " if you are thirsty , get down yourself , and lie down by the water and drink ; I shall not be your waiting - maid any longer . " The princess was so thirsty that she got down , and knelt over the little brook and drank , for she was frightened , and dared not bring out her golden cup ; and then she wept , and said , " Alas ! what will become of me ? " And the lock of hair answered her , and said - Then all rode further on their journey , till the day grew so warm , and the sun so scorching , that the bride began to feel very thirsty again ; and at last , when they came to a river , she forgot her maid 's rude speech , and said , " Pray get down and fetch me some water to drink in my golden cup . " But the maid answered her , and even spoke more haughtily than before , " Drink if you will , but I shall not be your waiting - maid . " Then the princess was so thirsty that she got off her horse and lay down , and held her head over the running stream , and cried , and said , " What will become of me ? " And the lock of hair answered her again - And as she leaned down to drink , the lock of hair fell from her bosom and floated away with the water , without her seeing it , she was so much frightened . But her maid saw it , and was very glad , for she knew the charm , and saw that the poor bride would be in her power now that she had lost the hair . So when the bride had finished drinking , and would have got upon Falada again , the maid said , " I shall ride upon Falada , and you may have my horse instead ; " so she was forced to give up her horse , and soon afterwards to take off her royal clothes , and put on her maid 's shabby ones . At last , as they drew near the end of the journey , this treacherous servant threatened to kill her mistress if she ever told anyone what had happened . But Falada saw it all , and marked it well . Then the waiting - maid got upon Falada , and the real bride was set upon the other horse , and they went on in this way till at last they came to the royal court . There was great joy at their coming , and the prince hurried to meet them , and lifted the maid from her horse , thinking she was the one who was to be his wife ; and she was led upstairs to the royal chamber , but the true princess was told to stay in the court below . However , the old king happened to be looking out of the window , and saw her in the yard below ; and as she looked very pretty , and too delicate for a waiting - maid , he went into the royal chamber to ask the bride whom it was she had brought with her , that was thus left standing in the court below . " I brought her with me for the sake of her company on the road , " said she . " Pray give the girl some work to do , that she may not be idle . " The old king could not for some time think of any work for her , but at last he said , " I have a lad who takes care of my geese ; she may go and help him . " Now the name of this lad , that the real bride was to help in watching the king 's geese , was Curdken . Soon after , the false bride said to the prince , " Dear husband , pray do me one piece of kindness . " " That I will , " said the prince . " Then tell one of your slaughterers to cut off the head of the horse I rode upon , for it was very unruly , and plagued me sadly on the road . " But the truth was , she was very much afraid lest Falada should speak , and tell all she had done to the princess . She carried her point , and the faithful Falada was killed ; but when the true princess heard of it she wept , and begged the man to nail up Falada 's head against a large dark gate in the city through which she had to pass every morning and evening , that there she might still see him sometimes . Then the slaughterer said he would do as she wished , so he cut off the head and nailed it fast under the dark gate . Are all comb 'd and curl 'd ! " Then there came a wind , so strong that it blew off Curdken 's hat , and away it flew over the hills , and he after it ; till , by the time he came back , she had done combing and curling her hair , and put it up again safely . Then he was very angry and sulky , and would not speak to her at all ; but they watched the geese until it grew dark in the evening , and then drove them homewards . The next morning , as they were going through the dark gate , the poor girl looked up at Falada 's head , and cried - " Falada , Falada , there thou art hanging ! " " Why ? " inquired the king . " Because she does nothing but tease me all day long . " Then the king made him tell him all that had passed . And Curdken said , " When we go in the morning through the dark gate with our flock of geese , she weeps , and talks with the head of a horse that hangs upon the wall , and says - " Falada , Falada , there thou art hanging ! " There was once a little brother who took his Sister by the hand , and said , " Since our own dear mother 's death we have not had one happy hour ; our stepmother beats us every day , and , when we come near her , kicks us away with her foot . Come , let us wander forth into the wide world . " So all day long they travelled over meadows , fields , and stony roads . By the evening they came into a large forest , and laid themselves down in a hollow tree , and went to sleep . When they awoke the next morning , the sun had already risen high in the heavens , and its beams made the tree so hot that the little boy said to his sister , " I am so very thirsty , that if I knew where there was a brook , I would go and drink . Ah ! I think I hear one running ; " and so saying , he got up , and taking his Sister 's hand they went to look for the brook . Presently they found a brook , which ran trippingly over the pebbles , and the Brother would have drunk out of it , but the Sister heard how it said as it ran along , " Who drinks of me will become a tiger ! " So the Sister exclaimed , " I pray you , Brother , drink not , or you will become a tiger , and tear me to pieces ! " So the Brother did not drink , although his thirst was very great , and he said , " I will wait till the next brook . " As they came to the second , the Sister heard it say , " Who drinks of me becomes a wolf ! " The Sister ran up crying , " Brother , do not , pray do not drink , or you will become a wolf and eat me up ! " Then the Brother did not drink , saying , " I will wait until we come to the next spring , but then I must drink , you may say what you will ; my thirst is much too great . " Just as they reached the third brook , the Sister heard the voice saying , " Who drinks of me will become a fawn - who drinks of me will become a fawn ! " So the Sister said , " Oh , my Brother do not drink , or you will be changed into a fawn , and run away from me ! " But he had already kneeled down , and he drank of the water , and , as the first drops passed his lips , his shape took that of a fawn . At first the Sister wept over her little , changed Brother , and he wept too , and knelt by her , very sorrowful ; but at last the maiden said , " Be still , dear little fawn , and I will never forsake you ! " and , taking off her golden garter , she placed it around his neck , and , weaving rushes , made a girdle to lead him with . This she tied to him , and taking the other end in her hand , she led him away , and they travelled deeper and deeper into the forest . After they had gone a long distance they came to a little hut , and the maiden , peeping in , found it empty , and thought , " Here we can stay and dwell . " Then she looked for leaves and moss to make a soft couch for the Fawn , and every morning she went out and collected roots and berries and nuts for herself , and tender grass for the Fawn . In the evening when the Sister was tired , and had said her prayers , she laid her head upon the back of the Fawn , which served for a pillow , on which she slept soundly . Had but the Brother regained his own proper form , their lives would have been happy indeed . Thus they dwelt in this wilderness , and some time had elapsed when it happened that the King of the country had a great hunt in the forest ; and now sounded through the trees the blowing of horns , the barking of dogs , and the lusty cry of the hunters , so that the little Fawn heard them , and wanted very much to join in . " Ah ! " said he to his Sister , " let me go to the hunt , I cannot restrain myself any longer ; " and he begged so hard that at last she consented . " But , " she told him , " return again in the evening , for I shall shut my door against the wild huntsmen , and , that I may know you , do you knock , and say , ' Sister , dear , let me in , ' and if you do not speak I shall not open the door . " As soon as she had said this , the little Fawn sprang off quite glad and merry in the fresh breeze . The King and his huntsmen perceived the beautiful animal , and pursued him ; but they could not catch him , and when they thought they certainly had him , he sprang away over the bushes , and got out of sight . Just as it was getting dark , he ran up to the hut , and , knocking , said , " Sister mine , let me in . " Then she unfastened the little door , and he went in , and rested all night long upon his soft couch . The next morning the hunt was commenced again , and as soon as the little Fawn heard the horns and the tally - ho of the sportsmen he could not rest , and said , " Sister , dear , open the door ; I must be off . " The Sister opened it , saying , " Return at evening , mind , and say the words as before . " When the King and his huntsmen saw him again , the Fawn with the golden necklace , they followed him , close , but he was too nimble and quick for them . The whole day long they kept up with him , but towards evening the huntsmen made a circle around him , and one wounded him slightly in the hinder foot , so that he could run but slowly . Then one of them slipped after him to the little hut , and heard him say , " Sister , dear , open the door , " and saw that the door was opened and immediately shut behind him . The huntsman , having observed all this , went and told the King what he had seen and heard , and he said , " On the morrow I will pursue him once again . " The Sister , however , was terribly afraid when she saw that her Fawn was wounded , and , washing off the blood , she put herbs upon the foot , and said , " Go and rest upon your bed , dear Fawn , that your wound may heal . " It was so slight , that the next morning he felt nothing of it , and when he heard the hunting cries outside , he exclaimed , " I cannot stop away - I must be there , and none shall catch me so easily again ! " The Sister wept very much and told him , " Soon will they kill you , and I shall be here alone in this forest , forsaken by all the world : I cannot let you go . " " I shall die here in vexation , " answered the Fawn , " if you do not , for when I hear the horn , I think I shall jump out of my skin . " The Sister , finding she could not prevent him , opened the door , with a heavy heart , and the Fawn jumped out , quite delighted , into the forest . As soon as the King perceived him , he said to his huntsmen , " Follow him all day long till the evening , but let no one do him any harm . " Then when the sun had set , the King asked his huntsman to show him the hut ; and as they came to it he knocked at the door and said , " Let me in , dear Sister . " Upon this the door opened , and , stepping in , the King saw a maiden more beautiful than he had ever beheld before . She was frightened when she saw not her Fawn , but a man enter , who had a golden crown upon his head . But the King , looking at her with a kindly glance , held out to her his hand , saying , " Will you go with me to my castle , and be my dear wife ? " " Oh , yes , " replied the maiden ; " but the Fawn must go too : him I will never forsake . " The King replied , " He shall remain with you as long as you live , and shall never want . " Her own daughter , who was as ugly as night , and had but one eye , for which she was continually reproached , said , " The luck of being a Queen has never happened to me . " " Be quiet , now , " replied the old woman , " and make yourself contented : when the time comes I will help and assist you . " As soon , then , as the time came when the Queen gave birth to a beautiful little boy , which happened when the King was out hunting , the old witch took the form of a chambermaid , and got into the room where the Queen was lying , and said to her , " The bath is ready , which will restore you and give you fresh strength ; be quick before it gets cold . " Her daughter being at hand , they carried the weak Queen between them into the room , and laid her in the bath , and then , shutting the door , they ran off ; but first they made up an immense fire in the stove , which must soon suffocate the poor young Queen . When midnight came , and every one was asleep , the nurse , who sat by herself , wide awake , near the cradle , in the nursery , saw the door open and the true Queen come in . She took the child in her arms , and rocked it a while , and then , shaking up its pillow , laid it down in its cradle , and covered it over again . She did not forget the Fawn , either , but going to the corner where he was , stroked his head , and then went silently out of the door . The nurse asked in the morning of the guards if any one had passed into the castle during the night ; but they answered , " No , we have not seen anybody . " For many nights afterwards she came constantly , but never spoke a word ; and the nurse saw her always , but she would not trust herself to speak about it to any one . The nurse made no reply ; but , when she had disappeared , went to the King , and told him . The King exclaimed , " Oh , mercy ! what does this mean ? - the next night I will watch myself by the child . " So in the evening he went into the nursery , and about midnight the Queen appeared , and said - At these words the King could hold back no longer , but , springing up , cried , " You can be no other than my dear wife ! " Then she answered , " Yes , I am your dear wife ; " and at that moment her life was restored by God 's mercy , and she was again as beautiful and charming as ever . She told the King the fraud which the witch and her daughter had practised upon him , and he had them both tried , and sentence was pronounced against them . The little Fawn was disenchanted , and received once more his human form ; and the Brother and Sister lived happily together to the end of their days . Once upon a time there dwelt near a large wood a poor woodcutter , with his wife and two children by his former marriage , a little boy called Hansel , and a girl named Grethel . He had little enough to break or bite ; and once , when there was a great famine in the land , he could not procure even his daily bread ; and as he lay thinking in his bed one evening , rolling about for trouble , he sighed , and said to his wife , " What will become of us ? How can we feed our children , when we have no more than we can eat ourselves ? " " Know , then , my husband , " answered she , " we will lead them away , quite early in the morning , into the thickest part of the wood , and there make them a fire , and give them each a little piece of bread ; then we will go to our work , and leave them alone , so they will not find the way home again , and we shall be freed from them . " " No , wife , " replied he , " that I can never do . How can you bring your heart to leave my children all alone in the wood , for the wild beasts will soon come and tear them to pieces ? " The two children , however , had not gone to sleep for very hunger , and so they overheard what the stepmother said to their father . Grethel wept bitterly , and said to Hansel , " What will become of us ? " " Be quiet , Grethel , " said he ; " do not cry - I will soon help you . " And as soon as their parents had fallen asleep , he got up , put on his coat , and , unbarring the back door , slipped out . The moon shone brilliantly , and the white pebbles which lay before the door seemed like silver pieces , they glittered so brightly . Hansel stooped down , and put as many into his pocket as it would hold ; and then going back , he said to Grethel , " Be comforted , dear sister , and sleep in peace ; God will not forsake us . " And so saying , he went to bed again . The next morning , before the sun arose , the wife went and awoke the two children . " Get up , you lazy things ; we are going into the forest to chop wood . " Then she gave them each a piece of bread , saying , " There is something for your dinner ; do not eat it before the time , for you will get nothing else . " Grethel took the bread in her apron , for Hansel 's pocket was full of pebbles ; and so they all set out upon their way . When they had gone a little distance , Hansel stood still , and peeped back at the house ; and this he repeated several times , till his father said , " Hansel , what are you peeping at , and why do you lag behind ? Take care , and remember your legs . " " Ah , father , " said Hansel , " I am looking at my white cat sitting upon the roof of the house , and trying to say good - bye . " " You simpleton ! " said the wife , " that is not a cat ; it is only the sun shining on the white chimney . " But in reality Hansel was not looking at a cat ; but every time he stopped , he dropped a pebble out of his pocket upon the path . When they came to the middle of the forest , the father told the children to collect wood , and he would make them a fire , so that they should not be cold . So Hansel and Grethel gathered together quite a little mountain of twigs . Then they set fire to them ; and as the flame burnt up high , the wife said , " Now , you children , lie down near the fire , and rest yourselves , while we go into the forest and chop wood ; when we are ready , I will come and call you . " Hansel and Grethel sat down by the fire , and when it was noon , each ate the piece of bread ; and because they could hear the blows of an axe , they thought their father was near : but it was not an axe , but a branch which he had bound to a withered tree , so as to be blown to and fro by the wind . They waited so long that at last their eyes closed from weariness , and they fell fast asleep . When they awoke , it was quite dark , and Grethel began to cry , " How shall we get out of the wood ? " But Hansel tried to comfort her by saying , " Wait a little while till the moon rises , and then we will quickly find the way . " The moon soon shone forth , and Hansel , taking his sister 's hand , followed the pebbles , which glittered like new - coined silver pieces , and showed them the path . All night long they walked on , and as day broke they came to their father 's house . They knocked at the door , and when the wife opened it , and saw Hansel and Grethel , she exclaimed , " You wicked children ! why did you sleep so long in the wood ? We thought you were never coming home again . " But their father was very glad , for it had grieved his heart to leave them all alone . Early in the morning the stepmother came and pulled them out of bed , and gave them each a slice of bread , which was still smaller than the former piece . On the way , Hansel broke his in his pocket , and , stooping every now and then , dropped a crumb upon the path . " Hansel , why do you stop and look about ? " said the father ; " keep in the path . " " I am looking at my little dove , " answered Hansel , " nodding a good - bye to me . " " Simpleton ! " said the wife , " that is no dove , but only the sun shining on the chimney . " But Hansel still kept dropping crumbs as he went along . The mother led the children deep into the wood , where they had never been before , and there making an immense fire , she said to them , " Sit down here and rest , and when you feel tired you can sleep for a little while . We are going into the forest to hew wood , and in the evening , when we are ready , we will come and fetch you . " When noon came Grethel shared her bread with Hansel , who had strewn his on the path . Then they went to sleep ; but the evening arrived and no one came to visit the poor children , and in the dark night they awoke , and Hansel comforted his sister by saying , " Only wait , Grethel , till the moon comes out , then we shall see the crumbs of bread which I have dropped , and they will show us the way home . " The moon shone and they got up , but they could not see any crumbs , for the thousands of birds which had been flying about in the woods and fields had picked them all up . Hansel kept saying to Grethel , " We will soon find the way " ; but they did not , and they walked the whole night long and the next day , but still they did not come out of the wood ; and they got so hungry , for they had nothing to eat but the berries which they found upon the bushes . Soon they got so tired that they could not drag themselves along , so they lay down under a tree and went to sleep . It was now the third morning since they had left their father 's house , and they still walked on ; but they only got deeper and deeper into the wood , and Hansel saw that if help did not come very soon they would die of hunger . At about noonday they saw a beautiful snow - white bird sitting upon a bough , which sang so sweetly that they stood still and listened to it . It soon ceased , and spreading its wings flew off ; and they followed it until it arrived at a cottage , upon the roof of which it perched ; and when they went close up to it they saw that the cottage was made of bread and cakes , and the window - panes were of clear sugar . " We will go in there , " said Hansel , " and have a glorious feast . I will eat a piece of the roof , and you can eat the window . Will they not be sweet ? " So Hansel reached up and broke a piece off the roof , in order to see how it tasted , while Grethel stepped up to the window and began to bite it . Then a sweet voice called out in the room , " Tip - tap , tip - tap , who raps at my door ? " and the children answered , " the wind , the wind , the child of heaven " ; and they went on eating without interruption . Hansel thought the roof tasted very nice , so he tore off a great piece ; while Grethel broke a large round pane out of the window , and sat down quite contentedly . Just then the door opened , and a very old woman , walking upon crutches , came out . Hansel and Grethel were so frightened that they let fall what they had in their hands ; but the old woman , nodding her head , said , " Ah , you dear children , what has brought you here ? Come in and stop with me , and no harm shall befall you " ; and so saying she took them both by the hand , and led them into her cottage . A good meal of milk and pancakes , with sugar , apples , and nuts , was spread on the table , and in the back room were two nice little beds , covered with white , where Hansel and Grethel laid themselves down , and thought themselves in heaven . The old woman behaved very kindly to them , but in reality she was a wicked witch who waylaid children , and built the bread - house in order to entice them in , but as soon as they were in her power she killed them , cooked and ate them , and made a great festival of the day . Witches have red eyes , and cannot see very far ; but they have a fine sense of smelling , like wild beasts , so that they know when children approach them . When Hansel and Grethel came near the witch 's house she laughed wickedly , saying , " Here come two who shall not escape me . " And early in the morning , before they awoke , she went up to them , and saw how lovingly they lay sleeping , with their chubby red cheeks , and she mumbled to herself , " That will be a good bite . " Then she took upEvery morning the old witch came to the cage and said , " Hansel , stretch out your finger that I may feel whether you are getting fat . " But Hansel used to stretch out a bone , and the old woman , having very bad sight , thought it was his finger , and wondered very much that he did not get fatter . When four weeks had passed , and Hansel still kept quite lean , she lost all her patience , and would not wait any longer . " Grethel , " she called out in a passion , " get some water quickly ; be Hansel fat or lean , this morning I will kill and cook him . " Oh , how the poor little sister grieved , as she was forced to fetch the water , and fast the tears ran down her cheeks ! " Dear good God , help us now ! " she exclaimed . " Had we only been eaten by the wild beasts in the wood , then we should have died together . " But the old witch called out , " Leave off that noise ; it will not help you a bit . " So early in the morning Grethel was forced to go out and fill the kettle , and make a fire . " First , we will bake , however , " said the old woman ; " I have already heated the oven and kneaded the dough " ; and so saying , she pushed poor Grethel up to the oven , out of which the flames were burning fiercely . " Creep in , " said the witch , " and see if it is hot enough , and then we will put in the bread " ; but she intended when Grethel got in to shut up the oven and let her bake , so that she might eat her as well as Hansel . Grethel perceived what her thoughts were , and said , " I do not know how to do it ; how shall I get in ? " " You stupid goose , " said she , " the opening is big enough . See , I could even get in myself ! " and she got up , and put her head into the oven . Then Grethel gave her a push , so that she fell right in , and then shutting the iron door she bolted it ! Oh ! how horribly she howled ; but Grethel ran away , and left the ungodly witch to burn to ashes . Now she ran to Hansel , and , opening his door , called out , " Hansel , we are saved ; the old witch is dead ! " So he sprang out , like a bird out of his cage when the door is opened ; and they were so glad that they fell upon each other 's neck , and kissed each other over and over again . And now , as there was nothing to fear , they went into the witch 's house , where in every corner were caskets full of pearls and precious stones . " These are better than pebbles , " said Hansel , putting as many into his pocket as it would hold ; while Grethel thought , " I will take some too , " and filled her apron full . " We must be off now , " said Hansel , " and get out of this enchanted forest . " But when they had walked for two hours they came to a large piece of water . " We cannot get over , " said Hansel ; " I can see no bridge at all . " " And there is no boat , either , " said Grethel ; " but there swims a white duck , and I will ask her to help us over . " And she sang : So the duck came to them , and Hansel sat himself on , and bade his sister sit behind him . " No , " answered Grethel , " that will be too much for the duck ; she shall take us over one at a time . " This the good little bird did , and when both were happily arrived on the other side , and had gone a little way , they came to a well - known wood , which they knew the better every step they went , and at last they perceived their father 's house . Then they began to run , and , bursting into the house , they fell into their father 's arms . He had not had one happy hour since he had left the children in the forest ; and his wife was dead . Grethel shook her apron , and the pearls and precious stones rolled out upon the floor , and Hansel threw down one handful after the other out of his pocket . Then all their sorrows were ended , and they lived together in great happiness . A father had two sons , the elder of whom was forward and clever enough to do almost anything ; but the younger was so stupid that he could learn nothing , and when the people saw him they said , " Will thy father still keep thee as a burden to him ? " So , if anything was to be done , the elder had at all times to do it ; but sometimes the father would call him to fetch something in the dead of night , and perhaps the way led through the churchyard or by a dismal place , and then he used to answer , " No , father , I cannot go there , I am afraid , " for he was a coward . Or sometimes of an evening , tales were told by the fireside which made one shudder , and the listeners exclaimed , " Oh , it makes us shiver ! " In a corner , meanwhile , sat the younger son , listening , but he could not comprehend what was said , and he thought , " They say continually , ' Oh , it makes us shiver , it makes us shiver ! ' but perhaps shivering is an art which I cannot understand . " One day , however , his father said to him , " Do you hear , you there in the corner ? You are growing stout and big ; you must learn some trade to get your living by . Do you see how your brother works ? But as for you , you are not worth malt and hops . " " Ah , father , " answered he , " I would willingly learn something . When shall I begin ? I want to know what shivering means , for of that I can understand nothing . " The elder brother laughed when he heard this speech , and thought to himself , " Ah ! my brother is such a simpleton that he cannot earn his own living . He who would make a good hedge must learn betimes to bend . " But the father sighed and said , " What shivering means you may learn soon enough , but you will never get your bread by that . " Soon after the parish sexton came in for a gossip , so the father told him his troubles , and how that his younger son was such a simpleton that he knew nothing and could learn nothing . " Just fancy , when I asked him how he intended to earn his bread , he desired to learn what shivering meant ! " " Oh , if that be all , " answered the sexton , " he can learn that soon enough with me ; just send him to my place , and I will soon teach him . " The father was very glad , because he thought that it would do the boy good ; so the sexton took him home to ring the bells . About two days afterward he called him up at midnight to go into the church - tower to toll the bell . " You shall soon learn what shivering means , " thought the sexton , and getting up he went out too . As soon as the boy reached the belfry , and turned himself round to seize the rope , he saw upon the stairs , near the sounding - hole , a white figure . " Who 's there ? " he called out ; but the figure gave no answer , and neither stirred nor spoke . " Answer , " said the boy , " or make haste off ; you have no business here to - night . " But the sexton did not stir , so that the boy might think it was a ghost . The sexton said to himself , " That is not a bad thought " ; but he remained quiet as if he were a stone . Then the boy called out for the third time , but it produced no effect ; so , making a spring , he threw the ghost down the stairs , so that it rolled ten steps , and then lay motionless in a corner . Thereupon he rang the bell , and then going home , he went to bed without saying a word , and fell fast asleep . The sexton 's wife waited some time for her husband , but he did not come ; so at last she became anxious , woke the boy , and asked him if he knew where her husband was , who had gone before him to the belfry . " No , " answered the boy ; " but there was someone standing on the steps who would not give any answer , nor go away , so I took him for a thief and threw him downstairs . Go now and see where he is ; perhaps it may be he , but I should be sorry for it . " The wife ran off and found her husband lying in a corner , groaning , with one of his ribs broken . " Father , " answered the lad , " hear me ! I am quite innocent . He stood there at midnight like one who had done some evil ; I did not know who it was , and cried three times , ' Speak , or be off ! ' " Presently a man came up , who heard the boy talking to himself ; and , as they we 're just passing the place where the gallows stood , the man said , " Do you see ? There is the tree where seven fellows have married the hempen maid , and now swing to and fro . Sit yourself down there and wait till midnight , and then you will know what it is to shiver ! " Then the boy went to the gallows , sat down , and waited for evening , and as he felt cold he made a fire . But about midnight the wind blew so sharp , that in spite of the fire he could not keep himself warm . The wind blew the bodies against one another , so that they swung backward and forward , and he thought , " If I am cold here below by the fire , how must they freeze above ! " So his compassion was excited , and , contriving a ladder , he mounted , and , unloosening them one after another , he brought down all seven . Then he poked and blew the fire , and set them round that they might warm themselves ; but as they sat still without moving their clothing caught fire . So he said , " Take care of yourselves , or I will hang all of you up again . " The dead heard not , and silently allowed their rags to burn . This made him so angry that he said , " If you will not hear I cannot help you ; but I will not burn with you . " So he hung them up again in a row , and sitting down by the fire he soon went to sleep . The next morning the man came , expecting to receive his fifty dollars , and asked , " Now do you know what shivering means ? " " No , " he answered ; " how should I know ? Those fellows up there have not opened their mouths , and were so stupid that they let the old rags on their bodies be burnt . " Then the man saw that he should not carry away the fifty dollars that day , so he went away saying , " I never met with such a one before . " " Cease your silly talk , " said the wagoner . " Come with me , and I will see what I can do for you . " So the boy went with the wagoner , and about evening time they arrived at an inn where they put up for the night , and while they were going into the parlor he said , quite aloud , " Oh , if I could but shiver - if I could but shiver ! " The host overheard him and said , laughingly , " Oh , if that is all you wish , you shall soon have the opportunity . " " Hold your tongue , " said his wife ; " so many imprudent people have already lost their lives , it were a shame and sin to such beautiful eyes that they should not see the light again . " But the youth said , " If it were ever so difficult I would at once learn it ; for that reason I left home " ; and he never let the host have any peace till he told him that not far off stood an enchanted castle , where any one might soon learn to shiver if he would watch there three nights . The King had promised his daughter in marriage to whoever would venture , and she was the most beautiful young lady that the sun ever shone upon . And he further told him that inside the castle there was an immense amount of treasure guarded by evil spirits ; enough to make any one free , and turn a poor man into a very rich one . Many , he added , had already ventured into this castle , but no one had ever come out again . The next morning this youth went to the King , and said , " If you will allow me , I wish to watch three nights in the enchanted castle . " The King looked at him , and because his appearance pleased him , he said , " You may make three requests , but they must be inanimate things you ask for , and such as you can take with you into the castle . " So the youth asked for a fire , a lathe , and a cutting - board . The King let him take these things by day into the castle , and when it was evening the youth went in and made himself a bright fire in one of the rooms , and , placing his cutting - board and knife near it , he sat down upon his lathe . " Ah , if I could but shiver ! " said he . " But even here I shall never learn . " At midnight he got up to stir the fire , and , as he poked it , there shrieked suddenly in one corner , " Miau , miau ! how cold I am ! " " You simpleton ! " he exclaimed , " what are you shrieking for ? If you are so cold come and sit down by the fire and warm yourself ! " As he was speaking , two great black cats sprang up to him with an immense jump and sat down one on each side , looking at him quite wildly with their fiery eyes . When they had warmed themselves for a little while they said , " Comrade , shall we have a game of cards ? " " Certainly , " he replied ; " but let me see your paws first . " So they stretched out their claws , and he said , " Ah , what long nails you have got ; wait a bit , I must cut them off first " ; and so saying he caught them up by the necks , and put them on his board and screwed their feet down . " Since I have seen what you are about I have lost my relish for a game at cards , " said he ; and , instantly killing them , threw them away into the water . But no sooner had he quieted these two and thought of sitting down again by his fire , than there came out of every hole and corner black cats and black dogs with glowing chains , continually more and more , so that he could not hide himself . They howled fearfully , and jumped upon his fire , and scattered it about as if they would extinguish it . He looked on quietly for some time , but at last , getting angry , he took up his knife and called out , " Away with you , you vagabonds ! " and chased them about until a part ran off , and the rest he killed and threw into the pond . As soon as he returned he blew up the sparks of his fire again and warmed himself , and while he sat his eyes began to feel very heavy and he wished to go to sleep . So looking around he saw a great bed in one corner , The second night he went up again into the castle , and sitting down by the fire , began his old song , " If I could but shiver ! " When midnight came , a ringing and a rattling noise was heard , gentle at first and louder and louder by degrees ; then there was a pause , and presently with a loud outcry half a man 's body came down the chimney and fell at his feet . " Holloa , " he exclaimed ; " only half a man answered that ringing ; that is too little . " Then the ringing began afresh , and a roaring and howling was heard , and the other half fell down . " Wait a bit , " said he ; " I will poke up the fire first . " When he had done so and looked round again , the two pieces had joined themselves together , and an ugly man was sitting in his place . " I did not bargain for that , " said the youth ; " the bench is mine . " The man tried to push him away , but the youth would not let him , and giving him a violent push sat himself down in his old place . Presently more men fell down the chimney , one after the other , who brought nine thigh - bones and two skulls , which they set up , and then they began to play at ninepins . At this the youth wished also to play , so he asked whether he might join them . " Yes , if you have money ! " " Money enough , " he replied , " but your balls are not quite round " ; so saying he took up the skulls , and , placing them on his lathe , turned them round . " Ah , now you will roll well , " said he . " Holloa ! now we will go at it merrily . " So he played with them and lost some of his money , but as it struck twelve everything disappeared . Then he lay down and went to sleep quietly . On the morrow the King came for news , and asked him how he had fared this time . " I have been playing ninepins , " he replied , " and lost a couple of dollars . " " Have you not shivered ? " " No ! I have enjoyed myself very much ; but I wish some one would teach me that ! " On the third night he sat down again on his bench , saying in great vexation , " Oh , if I could only shiver ! " When it grew late , six tall men came in bearing a coffin between them . " Ah , ah , " said he , " that is surely my little cousin , who died two days ago " ; and beckoning with his finger he called , " Come , little cousin , come ! " The men set down the coffin upon the ground , and he went up and took off the lid , and there lay a dead man within , and as he felt the face it was as cold as ice . " Stop a moment , " he cried ; " I will warm it in a trice " ; and stepping up to the fire he warmed his hands , and then laid them upon the face , but it remained cold . So he took up the body , and sitting down by the fire , he laid it on his lap and rubbed the arms that the blood might circulate again . But all this was of no avail , and he thought to himself if two lie in a bed together they warm each other ; so he put the body in the bed , and covering it up laid himself down by its side . After a little while the body became warm and began to move about . " See , my cousin , " he exclaimed , " have I not warmed you ? " But the body got up and exclaimed , " Now I will strangle you . " " Is that your gratitude ? " cried the youth . " Then you shall get into your coffin again " ; and taking it up , he threw the body in , and made the lid fast . Then the six men came in again and bore it away . " Oh , deary me , " said he , " I shall never be able to shiver if I stop here all my lifetime ! " At these words in came a man who was taller than all the others , and looked more horrible ; but he was very old and had a long white beard . " Oh , you wretch , " he exclaimed , " now thou shalt learn what shivering means , for thou shalt die ! " " That we will see , " said the ugly man . " If you are stronger than I , I will let you go ; come , let us try " ; and he led him away through a dark passage to a smith 's forge . Then taking up an axe he cut through the anvil at one blow down to the ground . " I can do that still better , " said the youth , and went to another anvil , while the old man followed him and watched him , with his long beard hanging down . Then the youth took up an axe , and , splitting the anvil at one blow , wedged the old man 's beard in it . " Now I have you ; now death comes upon you ! " and taking up an iron bar he beat the old man until he groaned , and begged him to stop , and he would give him great riches . So the youth drew out the axe , and let him loose . Then the old man , leading him back into the castle , showed him three chests full of gold in a cellar . " One share of this , " said he , " belongs to the poor , another to the King , and a third to yourself . " And just then it struck twelve and the old man vanished , leaving the youth in the dark . " I must help myself out here , " said he , and groping round he found his way back to his room and went to sleep by the fire . The next morning the King came and inquired , " Now have you learnt to shiver ? " " No , " replied the youth ; " what is it ? My dead cousin came here , and a bearded man , who showed me a lot of gold down below ; but what shivering means , no one has showed me ! " Then the King said , " You have won the castle , and shall marry my daughter . " So the gold was fetched , and the wedding was celebrated , but the young Prince ( for the youth was a Prince now ) , notwithstanding his love for his bride , and his great contentment , was still continually crying , " If I could but shiver ! if I could but shiver ! " At last it fell out in this wise : one of the chambermaids said to the Princess , " Let me bring in my aid to teach him what shivering is . " So she went to the brook which flowed through the garden , and drew up a pail of water full of little fish ; and , at night , when the young Prince was asleep , his bride drew away the covering and poured the pail of cold water and the little fishes over him , so that they slipped all about him . Then the Prince woke up directly , calling out , " Oh ! that makes me shiver ! dear wife , that makes me shiver ! Yes , now I know what shivering means ! " Therefore one son travelled towards the east , and the second went to the west , both making fun of poor Dummling , who was obliged to stay where his feather had fallen . Then Dummling , sitting down and feeling rather miserable after his brothers had gone , looked about him , and noticed that near to where his feather lay was a trap - door . On lifting this up he perceived a flight of steps , down which he went . At the bottom was another door , so he knocked upon it , and then heard a voice calling - " Well , " agreed the father , " the one who brings me the most magnificent ring shall succeed to my throne , " and once more he took his sons outside the Palace . Then , again , he blew three feathers into the air to show the direction each one should go ; whereupon the two elder sons went east and west , but Dummling 's flew straight up , and fell close by the trap - door . Then the youngest son descended the steps as before , and upon seeing the large toad he talked with her , and told her what he desired . So the big box was brought , and out of it the toad handed him a ring which was of so exquisite a workmanship that no goldsmith 's could equal it .

Unlike a novel things in real life just don 't happen all at once . In real life you live a day with nothing significant happening . Like I can sit on that pier everyday of my life and just think about life , but you can only describe that a couple of times . After that it get boring . I spent at least two days at a time riding around the park at night and sitting on the pier during the days . I was not one bit bored . The more I rode the bike to the beach the better I got at it . After a while I decided that high speed was not what I needed . What I really needed was longer range . I didn 't want to pedal a lot , but I didn 't mind traveling at 10mph or so . I needed to stretch the battery power just as far as possible . I had the rear wheel already set up , so I just needed to find the right motor for the DIY bike and then switch out . I knew from my tests at home that the motor would probably be something even smaller than the hub motor I used . The hub motor bike was my compromise bike . It had good range and good climbing ability but was only good not exceptional at either . The 500 watt motor was great at speed and climbing hill , but was also a battery killer . It was time to experiment again . I spent a couple of days waiting to see if the other shoe would fall . I am happy to say that just like in the majority of altercations I have had , it ended with a wimper . I had dinner with Laura one of the nights and a frozen pizza with a bag of salad the other night . . . I even watched a couple of TV shows on the internet . If I didn 't mind waiting a bit , I could watch last weeks shows on my laptop . All in all it was a pretty good existence I had worked out . I was careful not to say it out loud though . No sense risking a jinx . Since I planned to be around a while , I began the perfect DIY bike . Well the perfect one for me . I began by bidding on a 750 watt motor . At 24 volts I would most like have to have a large battery pack to support it . Even that might not be a real problem . Mary Barker the woman much less than half my age called . She wasn 't having any water problem she just wanted to talk . It was a good thing that I had free use of the office phone after 6pm . I had her call me there . Mary was one of those women who want you to know everything about her . She also wants you to know it whether you care or not . Worst of all she wants you to know it all at once . She obviously had too much time on her hands after the divorce . After the noisy party incident I decided to take the day off and just hang out at the trailer . If the kid wanted to make good on his threats , I wanted to be sure he had a chance to face me , not burn the trailer because I was at the pier meditating . Of course he never showed up . " Oh CJ your drunk came by to apologize and beg me not to evict him . " " And what did you decide . " " I told him to make it right with you , then to never have another party . One complaint from any of his neighbors and he is history . " " You know , once I drunk always a nasty drunk , " I suggested . " Yeah but it will be on him not on us . I almost always have to face these guys in small claims court . The are trying to make me pay for their move . " " I hope you documented it . " " Oh yes and CJ write me a statement please . Just as much as you can remember . " " You want the ass kicking comment as well ? " " Damn right I do . " She smiled . It wasn 't that she didn 't want him out , she just wanted some paper to wave at the judge . I didn 't expect him to ' make it right ' . After all he was still a nasty drunk . What I expected was for him to run me off some lonely stretch of road one day . I could learn to like this job , I thought that after finding the chocolate cake on my picnic table . The note read . I got here to late to catch you . The park manager said you go to the beach every day . I wanted you to know how much I appreciated you turning off the water . Even more for waiting till dad finished the repair than turning it back on . I hate cold showers . Mom said the best way to say thank you to a bachelor was food . The cake is the best I could do on short notice . Mary . Yes , I thought , I could learn to like this job . All that changed later that night when I was called to handle a noise complaint . I spoke to a group of young people about the music at their cookout . " Hey who is in charge here ? " I asked it of a guy standing at the edge of the mobile home space . " Who are you ? " " I 'm the night manager , who are you . " " I rent this space so I can do whatever I want . " It was pretty obvious that he had been drinking . " No actually you can 't . Did you read the park rules ? . . . I know you signed them , but did you read them ? " " What rule am I breaking . " The loud noise rule . " " It 's early I can make all the noise I want till 11pm . " " How can one man be so wrong so often ? " I asked . " You are quoting law not rules . See you agreed to abide by the rule that says loud and unusual noises are not permitted and are reason for eviction . ' " What ? " I showed him the rule . " Now if I 'm not mistaken they charge about a grand to move and reset a mobile home . Not to mention the wiring and other costs . So unless you want to have to deal with that , I suggest you move the party indoors and keep the noise down to a roar . Then kill it all by 11pm or you can also deal with the Sheriff . I do not give but one warning . " " What if I just kick your ass old man ? " " Then you go from disturbing the peace misdemeanor to assault and battery a class a felony . You get to move from a fine to prison time . Your next party would be with a 300 pound guy named Bubba . A dance in the shower I expect . " I figured him to be a reasonable man , so I turned my back on him . I also ignored the nPosted by I was back doing the on call thing , when my phone rang on Tuesday evening . Since Laura and I had not been able to connect since Sunday , I thought that life might be about to change again . I hadn 't put a lot of faith in our relationship so I wasn 't really hurt . " Hello , " I said into the phone . " This is Mary Barker in lot 17 . My water line broke . Can you come turn off the water please . " It was one thing I had been taught to do . The park provided water as part of the rent . The Management did not want to be providing it to tenant with a broken line . " I 'll be right down just hold on . " The broken pipe thing happened more in the winter but it happened enough so that the pickup had a valve handle under the driver 's seat . I hustled out and drove to lot 17 . Sure enough water was dripping from underneath the mobile home . Actually it was doing more than dripping . I found the valve and used the rusty handle to shut the water off . " Thank you so much , " The much younger woman said . " Nothing to it , " I replied . My curiosity was aroused . So what happened to the water line ? " My father , " she said with a chuckle . She noted my curious look . " He was trying to move my refrigerator and broke the ice maker line . " " Ah , well let me know when he has it fixed and I 'll turn your water back on . " " Very well , " she replied . " Hey , do you have a 3 / 8 " wrench ? " The voice came from a man about my age . " I might have one at the house , Hold on I 'll take a look . " I found a 3 / 8 " wrench in my took kit pretty easily . It isn 't often that I can do that . The drive back to the Barker home was quick . I did wait until the old man was finished with my tool before I left . When I left the water was on and the refrigerator no longer leaked . Mary Barker was busy mopping water when I left . It was a nice quiet weekend . It was extremely pleasant to spend the weekend with someone rather than all alone . Not to mention that it was great to have real food for three days straight . Well Sunday morning it was doughnuts in bed with the morning paper . Nonetheless there was a lot of good food . Much more than I had eaten in weeks . I managed to work in some long walks even though my new friend was more the sedentary type . I tried to burn off some of those calories , since I wasn 't sure from one day to the next if the my new friendship would last . I had pretty much spent the entire weekend with my new friend Laura . I was more than a little sad when the weekend ended and I returned home . Laura worked third shift at a sewing plant so she needed to rest on Monday . I needed to get back to my own life as well . It had been fun being 16 again but it was time to return to the real world of toil and strife . While Laura did her resting thing , I rode the bike to the beach . I spent the morning just hanging out on the pier . I noticed an older man walking along the water 's edge with a metal detector . I thought one of those might be fun , then pushed it from my mind . I rode my bike home in time for a frozen dinner . Those things weren 't quite great but at least they had improved a lot since I was a kid . My ride around the park was uneventful . I checked on Laura twice before I went home . I showed up right on time with a bottle of Lambrusco and a healthy appetite . " Come in . " the rather harsh female voice came from inside the mobile home . " Hello , " I said it holding out the wine . " I hope this is what you had in mind . " " Ah well I won 't know until I taste it . " She said that as she turned her back to me . She also reached into the cabinet for over sized wine glasses . Dinner was quite good . Some kind of pasta thing that wasn 't quite spaghetti but was very close . I ate it hungrily since I hadn 't had home made anything in weeks . The conversation was interesting as well . Laura Evans was a divorced mother of two children . She informed me that her son was doing his residency in a Big time New York hospital and that her daughter would be graduating college at the end of the fall term . She had stayed one extra semester to finish a second degree . I didn 't ask what the degrees were , since I really didn 't care . " So CJ would you like to take a ride . I hear you are partial to walking on piers , " " Ah I see my secret is out . " " Yes it is . At this time of night the piers will either be empty or there might be a few die hard fishermen . " " Then let 's go see what die hard fishermen look like . " Standing with her on the end of the pier on a night with the moon hanging over the water was about as good as it gets for an old guy like me . " Hello in the house please stay calm both of you . I have called 911 and the sheriff 's car is on the way . " They both looked scared to death , but I couldn 't help either of them by rushing into the house . I had no idea who they were or why she was holding him at gun point . I decided that it would be better for everyone to let the sheriff 's deputy figure it out . I hung around because I was nosy . It took the deputy several minutes to arrive . I just kept an eye on the man and woman in the mobile home . When the deputy arrived I informed him of what I knew . I did not speculate on the situation in the house . While hanging out in the yard I learned that the situation was a burglary gone terribly wrong . The man had no idea anyone was home . He certainly had no inkling that the woman in the house slept with a gun on her night stand . The trailer looked as though there was no one at home because the woman worked third shift at one of the local sewing plants . At the time the bad guy chose to enter her house the lights were all out because she was napping prior to leaving for work . The house did appear empty for sure . The deputies took statements from me and the lady of the house . The bad guy didn 't need to make a statement . He was caught with his hand in the cookie jar . The only hope he had was that the prosecutor got laid the night before he went to trial . He would have to be in a really good mood to cut the yahoo any slack . I drove the pickup back to my trailer then turned in for the night . As usual I was awake at 6am like I said before habits of a lifetime are hard to break . After I delivered the truck , I went out to breakfast . It was about 8am when I returned to the trailer . I skipped the ocean only because I wanted to talk to the park manager about the events of the night before . " That 's him . He 's the one who sat outside while I was in danger . " The woman from the night before turned her words away from the park manager . She directed them to me . " Why the hell didn 't you come help me ? " " Well for one thing you had it under control . Posted by Good habits or bad habits are easy to get into and hard to bet out of . Over the next week I fell into a routine . I would sit at home on the net from five till I made the tour of the park around midnight . After which I just went to bed . I usually had a little noise or something similar to investigate sometime during the evening , but midnight generally marked an end to that . People who lived in the park , for the most part , were hard workers . They obviously needed their sleep . The camper spaces were filled with fishermen who needed to sleep since they arose early to meet their chartered boat . They wanted to squeeze every second out of their charter time . When I awoke I would deliver the truck to the office for the maintenance man . Then I would ride my bike to breakfast . Usually that was on the way to the beach . I sat on the pier reading some mystery or adventure novel . Those I bought second hand at the news stand . No it wasn 't a small newspaper vendor , it was a warehouse of newspapers and used books . You know , one of those buy it for have price trade it in for half of the half price . I had taken on a rather pleasant existence . I was also getting way too comfortable . Something had to happen and it did in the third week of my two month job . One of the main things I was hired to do was to determine what needed a cop and what I could calm down myself . The woman standing in the kitchen of the mobile home with a rather nasty automatic pistol trained on a much larger man , was one I felt sure needed a cop . I sat on her picnic table to place the 911 call . The job was only for the summer since the owner / on call man was going fishing in Florida for most of the summer . I had a couple of months to work but only if it worked out okay . Otherwise I would just get a Uhaul truck and move on down the line . My first night was simple . It was a quick ride on my bike to the office . There I picked up the truck . I left my bike and took the truck to the campsite . It would stay in the drive until I made the tour of the park around midnight . After that it would return to my drive until morning when I would return it to the office parking lot . That was the manager 's grand plan anyway . The park was quiet on that first night . Nobody had maintenance issues and there were no parties on the weeknights . I had a feeling that the loud parties would be Friday and Saturday nights . Even that wasn 't much of an issue . A simple warning to quiet down or the sheriff would be visiting should work , if not then it was call the sheriff 's office . I was standing on the visitors side of the manager 's desk when she asked , " So how was it . " " Nothing to it . The park was quiet and no one called . Are you sure you had the calls forwarded to me . " " Oh yes , it was just a quiet night on the plantation , " she said it with a smile . " Some nights are like that . " " Well I 'm awake so I guess I 'll head on down to the beach . " " Are you a fisherman to ? " " No , I like to think that I 'm the next Ernest Hemingway but more likely I 'm just killing time till the end . " I gave her my sad look . " Do you have anything I can read ? " I found an old card in my wallet and gave it to her . It had my web address on it . " Lots of stuff there you can read . " That pretty much ended the conversation so I unhooked the battery charger . I carried it and the batteries over to my bike which I had left in the storage area of the office . It took me a couple of minutes to install the batteries and stow the charger in basket on the rear of my bike . I didn 't even go back home I rode to the pier instead . There it was hook up the bike , pay the lady for the charge , get my free coPosted by The proposition turned out to be a night patrol of the park . The mobile home village as well as the camp spaces . The idea was that I would be called to assess a non emergency situation before the manager was bothered . If it could wait , I would leave a message if not I would call the manager . I could even call the police if it was something serious . She tried to get a lot of work for no money but I vetoed that . I really didn 't need to work at all . We agreed on one tour of the park around midnight then be on call for problems the rest of the night . From five till seven the next morning was a lot of time on call , but nothing much was likely to happen . At least it seemed that way to me . We agreed on $ 10 per call out . The ride through the park every night looking for trouble was in exchange for half my space rent . With a little luck at the end of the month the park would owe me money . The ride through the park took about fifteen minutes . If there was a loud party I should spot it on the drive by or someone would call me for sure . I spent the afternoon at the beach to celebrate . I had quit drinking years before so a double chocolate milkshake was the celebration beverage of choice . I woke to the sun in my eyes . I knew I should have bought something to use as curtains . I made it out of bed and turned on the coffee , before the idea hit me . As the coffee dripped , I tore paper towels to the proper length then attached them to a bit of string . Attaching it to the cheap paneling wasn 't a big issue since I had a roll of duct tape which I had packed to use in building battery packs . Tomorrow , I thought , I can sleep a little later maybe . The coffee was finished so I took a cup out to the spot under the awning . The morning was cool but the day was going to be hot and muggy . All that water laying about would guarantee the humidity would be high . After the coffee and a few minutes to get my mind and body in sync , I hooked up the grocery getter bike . The grocery getter was the hub motor bike with a combination battery and grocery basket trailer attached to the rear . I could get a couple of days groceries in the trailer at least . Gathering groceries for me was probably a lot like it had been for cavemen and women . I had to go hunt and gather food almost every day . Well at least three times a week . However , I had accumulated enough extra food for rainy days . " You Charlie Williams , " the young woman in the pickup asked through the truck 's window . " Yes ma ' am , " I replied . I expected that she was a park employee , No one else would know my name . The next thing she did was to climb out of the small pickup . " My name is Lana Sims . I 'm the park manager . " " Nice to meet you Ms Sims . I didn 't see you when I arrived . Of course I did most of it by email . The guy who showed me the space must have been an employee of yours . " " Yes that would have been my father . He kind of owns the place . He is also the night manager / security guard . " " Ah I see . " I waited but when she didn 't go on I asked . " So Ms Sims what can I do for you . " " Well I hope we can do something for each other . " " Oh what do you mean ? " I just knew I wasn 't going to be lucky enough for her to mean anything personal . " Dad said you were a cop , " She replied . " Oh that was a whilPosted by I woke to the sound of rain on my tin roof . Okay it isn 't tin but the illusion is better that way . I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep . When that failed I dressed , made myself a rain poncho from a black trash bag , then ran to the bathroom . Obviously the bathroom had not been high priority or I wouldn 't have waited to make the poncho . It helped only marginally . I made sure both the bikes were covered , then I Scrambled an egg . I made myself and egg sandwich along with my coffee . It was a dark day but there was enough light for me to read while sitting under the awning . The male member of the younger couple worked between rain showers to hook up his camper . Evidently he and his girlfriend were headed home . " Hey CJ , we are ready to leave would you like this stuff . I 'm just going to toss it if you don 't . " He asked that holding a plastic garbage bag . " Sure , I 'll toss what I can 't use . Thanks . So you headed home today ? " " Yeah back to the grind . Worst thing about vacations is that they end . " With that he left . He didn 't look as though he really minded the vacation coming to an end . Hell he probably needed the rest . His girlfriend emerged from the trailer an hour later all red eyed and bedraggled looking , as usual . She got into the passenger seat of the pickup and waited for her boyfriend who joined her in short order . They waved as the pulled the trailer from the site and disappeared into the mist . After I sorted through the bag , I spent the rest of the day reading . Well I did find time to do my laundry . The basket of dirty clothes was running over . I loaded up the two battery packs and took off for the beach again . I stopped in the pier parking lot to do a quick walk around . I was looking at the light posts . I was hoping to find one with an electrical outlet . Sometimes the plans call for one so that the electricians can use their power tools to work on the outside lights . Sure enough I found a light pole with a receptacle at the bottom . I went from that spot to the snack bar . " Good morning , " I said to the woman behind the counter . She was at least fifty so I felt pretty comfortable talking to her . " I ride an electric bike down from Brunswick . I would like to come down more often but I need a place to charge my batteries . " She had a blank look so I went on . " I noticed that you have a light post with an electrical receptacle on it . I was wondering if I could charge my batteries there . " " Whats it worth to you ? " She asked it without batting an eye . " Well they say it costs about a nickle an hour to charge those batteries . How about I give you double that ? " " How long is it gonna take , " she asked . " Three or four hours I would think . " " What you gonna be doing while it charges ? " " Most likely I will be looking at the ocean from your pier . I might even try fishing . " " Then you will be a customer while you wait ? " " Most likely yes , " I agreed . " Then the price will be a dollar a day . " " Throw in one free cup of coffee and I can do that . " " Fair enough , " she replied . " You gonna plug it in today . " " Not today , I brought a double pack today . I will charge it up next time I come down . " I chatted with the fishermen , enjoyed my feelings of insignificance , and took a walk on the sand . It was all in all a good day . Back home that night I saw and spoke to both sets of my neighbors . I had a bowl of quick soup for dinner then went to bed . Quick soup is made with two strips of bacon cooked in a toaster oven . It is then added to a can of mixed veggies and salted liberally . It actually isn 't too bad with corn chips . I slept on that camp bed again and swore at it again . The day started late for me . I woke up early enough but I just couldn 't seem to get it together . My body was still tired from the twenty five mile ride the day before . And of course the folding cot was like sleeping on a board . The folding cot was really no more than an aluminum tube frame the same as those found in a fold lawn chair . Over the frame someone had stretched a couple of pieces of a canvas like material . It was pretty darn miserable sleeping . I kept a running list of things to buy on the wall over the cabinet I used as a dry sink area . I wrote air mattress / sleeping pad . Of the two my preference would be the pad . Once it made the list I forgot about it . So around noon I heard the noises in the space beside me . It wasn 't the side with the couple who couldn 't seem to stay out of bed , it was the space on the other side of me . Looked out my one window on that side of the trailer and saw them backing a trailer in . The them was an couple pretty much my age . Both of them looked as though the were retired . My guess was that they were down for the fishing . Since I am a friendly kind of guy , I went to speak to them after they spotted the travel trailer . That trailer of theirs made mine look like a toy . there 's had to be twenty five feet long and at least ten feet wide . It was a real beauty . The woman was in here sixties I 'm sure . She had dyed blond hair and most likely a cast iron bra . She did look pretty good for an old lady I would have to admit . Her husband was equally fit looking . They could have been on the cover of the AARP magazine . They weren 't very friendly though . I spoke but they barely acknowledged my presence . I returned to my trailer pretty much chastised . During the afternoon I rode to the grocery store for a couple of days worth of food . Riding a bike meant frequent trips to the store . That evening I played around on the internet . I emailed my daughter to let her know I was alive and doing fine . I almost never turned on the cell phone so email was our only reliable means of communication . I was in bedPosted by Day three I just couldn 't wait any longer . I was up at 6am and finished the small coffee pot by seven . I couldn 't stand the wait any longer so I installed both sets of 12ah batteries into the trailer of the store bought bike and off I went . The store bought bike is slower and it uses power a little differently , but it handles easier . Since I had no idea what the roads were like , I opted for the safer bike . I left the house before 7 : 30 headed first for breakfast then to the beach . I ate the biscuit too fast but I was in a hurry . I made the 12 mile trip in just over an hour . Part of it was the bike speed and part of it was I just wasn 't in a hurry . The roads were almost pancake flat which made the ride a lot more fun . It made power consumption lower as well . I found a fishing pier and sat my butt down on a dirty bench . I sat for a couple of hours marveling at the ocean . The sight and smell of the ocean is overwhelming . Anytime I get near it I feel insignificant . It was impossible for me to sit on a fishing pier and think life is all about me . After two hours of sitting in one spot , I took a walk along the ocean . It was just a marvelous day for me . I stopped at the snack bar on the pier for a hot dog and coke before I headed home on the bike . When I got back to the trailer I noticed that I had a new neighbor . NO the kids weren 't gone , someone had moved in on the other side of me . They appeared to be gone since there was no car in sight . Fishermen most likely , I thought . I spent the afternoon reading a cheap novel while the batteries recharged . I had a set ready to go if I had needed them , but I had nowhere I wanted to go . The first thing I needed to know was where the heck I was going to get a meal . Second was where to get my groceries . I needed to know those things even before I looked at the beach or the town of Brunswick . Yes that was the name of the town where I found myself . The beach was actually about eight miles outside of town . From the campground it was 12 miles . At least that is what the website told me . I put the two 12ah batteries in the holders of my homemade ebike only after I had unlocked it from the frame of the travel trailer . It tested out okay , so I took off . I didn 't get very far because the office of the mobile home park / campground was only a couple of hundred yards from my trailer space . I pulled the bike near the office so I wouldn 't have to lock it . The office was over a storage area . Lots of low lying building were made that way to minimize flood damage I supposed . " Hey there , " I said to the slight past middle aged woman behind the desk . " Good morning , " she replied in a non committal voice . " I 'm in one of the travel trailer spaces , " " Ah ? So what can I do for you ? " " Could you tell me where the closest grocery store is located . " " There is a convenience store down the road about half a mile , " she replied with a smile . " I plan to be here a little longer , so I need a complete grocery , " I suggested . " The food lion is on hwy 17 about three miles south of here . It 's in a small shopping center . " " That sounds good , how about a restaurant that serves more than burgers and fries ? " " For that you need to go into Brunswick . There are three or four family style places . Just drive into town and ask anyone . I 'm sure their directions will be better than mine would be . " " Thanks for the information . " I was about to leave when she spoke again . " So you aren 't here for the fishing ? " " No just on a sight seeing trip . " I could see the question in her eyes . " I sight see very slowly so it will probably take me a couple of months to see everything . " I smiles as I turned to leave . The homemade bike had a pusher motor with the batteries on the trailerPosted by I got in Monday night after six . I had time to park the trailer and level it but nothing else . I took a chance and drove the truck up to a fast food drive thru for a burger and coke . Since I was just as exhausted as if I had actually worked , instead of sitting behind the wheel of an air conditioned truck , I just fell asleep on the camp bed . The weather was warm so I didn 't even use the sleeping bag at all . Tuesday morning I took the truck back and paid my bill . It was much less than half what a tow to the camp ground would have cost . I got lucky and found a campground which would let me stay as long as I liked . The space even included electricity which was figured in with the rent . It was in a less developed part of a mobile home village . My rent was $ 12 night or $ 75 a week . Since there was no water and sewer hook up , there was a small bathhouse . The bathhouse had showers that were almost clean , toilets that seemed to have toilet paper , at least they did that first morning . Just inside the bathhouse was a washer and dryer coin operated of course . It looked as though the place would suit me fine . I was about ten miles from the ocean and ten feet from the next trailer space . I suppose that accounted for the lower price . The fellow I bought the trailer from found time to replace the original canopy . I was glad of it . Not only would it supply at least a little protection for the bikes it would give me a little shade . The spot on my right had a small pop up camper parked at the rear end of the space . The front must have been for automobiles since there was a small pickup truck there . The space on the left was empty , but it was Tuesday , likely someone would be in before the weekend . The young couple on my right looked to be about twenty or so . The seemed to have a lot of noisy sex . I would have thought they were on their honeymoon but who would go on honeymoon in a pop up trailer . Probably an old married couple , just not married to each other . That was my thought as I searched for dinner among the cans inside my plastic sPosted by 8am Monday morning found me sitting on by my bike outside the thrifty rent a truck office . I had made the reservation the week before so I expected no delays in leaving the parking lot . I had used the time before the employees arrived to remove the push trailer from the bike . The bike and trailer sat beside me while I finished my McDonald 's coffee . The middle - aged woman arrived first . She had my paperwork completed before the mechanic arrived for work . I had to wait while he found the truck and pulled it to the front . He was good enough to help me load and tie down the bike . He even provided a couple of short pieces of light weight ropes left by a previous customer . I know I said I wasn 't supposed to drive but I kept my driver 's license active . I told Maggie that it was in case of emergency . Well I considered saving five hundred bucks an emergency . That was the approximate difference in cost between doing it myself and hiring someone to do the move for me . I had reserved the smallest truck available with a trailer hitch on it . The rental company had provided insurance for the truck and for the trailer I would be towing . It was expensive but I thought it would be a good idea to be careful since my driving lacked a lot to be desired . I wasn 't too dangerous when I didn 't drive in traffic but the trip to the coast would be in traffic . Not so heave since it was on a Monday but still traffic . I had allowed extra time at every stop since things never went exactly as planned . I got back home to load my junk from the house well after nine when I had hoped to be there before nine . Still it was only forty minutes or so . I loaded my dad 's large wooden tool box first . It had a pillow from Goodwill that went on top of it to make a bench . I made the decision to carry only those tools which I could pack into the toolbox . Space was going to be a premium . I managed to pack a great deal of tools into the coffee table sized tool box . The box had a dozen coats of cotton mill green enamel paint on it . I had purposefully left it alone . It wasPosted by * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I woke up on that Sunday morning with no plan other than to find pancakes somewhere . Showering and dressing for the day took a while , but not nearly long enough to use up the extra time . I awoke at five am , while the restaurant opened at seven on Sunday . I chose that day to ride the bike I had built from scratch , rather than the kit bike . The bike I built was a Rube Goldberg looking contraption , but it ran faster and the batteries lasted longer than the kit bike . I didn 't mind the wires exposed to the world for its inspection . It kind of make me even more eccentric looking to most folks . I parked the bike on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant . It was the only benefit to riding a bike to breakfast . I would have driven the car except that I had promised my wife that I would stop driving over two years before . Beside in 24 hours the car would be in some other driveway . I found my usual booth by the window occupied so I sat at my 2nd favorite one in a corner . I didn 't even bother with the menu . The middle aged waitress with twenty pounds of excess weight and crooked teeth approached the table . " I didn 't think we were going be seeing you again , " she said as she opened her pad . " It 's my last day in town . I thought I would have a plate of flapjacks to celebrate . " " Good , I 'm glad you came by to say goodbye one more time . " Her voice almost seemed to have the right tone , but there was also a hint of sarcasm in it . Her voice had held sympathy six months before , when my wife passed away . That sympathy had turned to sarcasm as I began moving away from my old life . Lots of people felt as though I had lost my mind . Most seemed to think I should be treated as a foolish child . Others like Helen saw it as some kind of betrayal . Betrayal of all those who would never just up and throw it all away . Throw it all away was their point of reference not mine . I enjoyed the large stack of pancakes washed down with hot black coffee . Maggie would have loved it as well . I shuddered as I thPosted by

It seemed like just another , regular every day at the Monkees Pad . Peter was on the phone with his girlfriend , Valerie Cartwright , Davy was reading the newspaper , and Micky and Mike were playing cards . Once Peter hung up with Valerie , there was a knock on the door . Davy got up , and opened the door to the window in the door so he could see who it is ( although he was too short to see ) . He opened the door , and standing there was a Western Union man . " It 's from my mother , " Peter said . " Dad 's stationed in France , stop . Nick , Chris , and Annie looking forward to it , stop . Fluey 's being difficult , stop . Wants to stay in the states , stop . We 're sending him out to stay with you . . . . " " You must be joking ! " Davy shouted . " ' Ow in the world can you ' ave a twelve - year - old nephew , when your only sistah is about the same age ' erself ? ! " " Annie isn 't my only sister , " Peter said . " I never told you guys this , but I have an older sister named Janet . A much older sister . She was eight when I was born . When I was eight , she got pregnant and had Fluey . " " That 's sort of a long story , " Peter said . " Jan wasn 't thrilled at the prospect of being pregnant , but she had the baby anyway , and she said to just name him the next thing out of her mouth . Well , Chris asked what was in this IV that Jan was hooked up to , and she said fluid , and my parents held her to what she said . " " You don 't know my sister , " Peter said . Davy couldn 't argue with him there . " Anyway , a couple of months after Fluey was born , Jan said she was going out , and then she never came back . My parents raised him . When we were in Connecticut , which was where he was born , we told everyone that Mom had him . " " Hold it a minute , Mike , " Peter said . " Let me explain . Once Fluey was old enough , we told him the truth , but we had to tell him to call my parents Mom and Dad whenever we were out in public , and I was supposed to be his big brother . When he was ten , he got tired of that , and just figured let people think what they want , he doesn 't care . So when we moved again , he started calling Mom and Dad Grandma and Grandpa , and my siblings Uncle Nick , Uncle Chris , and Aunt Anne . " " Oh , I moved out when he was eight or nine , " Peter said . " He didn 't take it well . We were kind of close . So now , I guess my parents are moving again , and Fluey 's putting his foot down . It 's those teenage hormones I guess . Like I said , he 's turning thirteen in September . " " Tomorrow , " Peter said , looking at the telegram . " So how about it , Mike ? Can he stay here ? Huh , can he , huh ? " " We can 't afford it ! " Mike shouted . " We can barely afford the four of us livin ' here ! What 's gonna happen when Babbit finds out we 're bringin ' a fifth person in ? " " Aw , come on , he 'll love Fluey ! " Peter shouted . " He 's a groovy kid . And Mr . Babbit said that he loved kids ! " " Hello ? " he asked . " Aunt Zelda ! Hey , good to hear from ya . I haven 't heard from you or Aunt Hilda in a long time ! What 's up ? Uh huh . Uh huh . Tomorrow ? Well , I don 't know . . . . Pete 's nephew 's flyin ' in tomorrow too , I don 't know if that 's such a good time for you two to . . . . well . . . . urgent ? Well , what 's so urgent ? Yes , I realized I just turned twenty - one , what 's that got to do with . . . . uh huh . Well , why can 't you tell me over the phone ? Why not ? Well . . . . oh all right . I 'll come pick you guys up at the airport tomorrow at . . . . . hey , Pete , do we have to pick up your nephew ? " " Okay , " Mike replied , and he went back to the phone . " I 'll be there around noon . Okay . Okay , see you guys then . Bye . " " That was my Aunt Zelda from Massachusetts , " Mike said . " She and my Aunt Hilda are comin ' in tomorrow . They said they have somethin ' important to tell me . They would 've told me on my twenty - first birthday , but they couldn 't make it over . So they 're just gonna tell me now . " " Beats me , " Mike said with a shrug . " They wouldn 't tell me . They said it was too big to tell me over the phone . In any case , Pete , I 'll give Babbit the heads up over the kid , and we 'll let him live here for a week or so and see how things go . " Mike glared at Micky , and walked over to the couch to read the newspaper . Davy and Micky just shrugged . They knew Mike wasn 't crazy about kids . But they were , so they asked Peter to tell them everything about Fluey . Before Peter could get far , there was a knock on the door . Micky was referring to some friends he and the other three Monkees had met recently , Reggie Bushroot , John Allen Quackerstein ( everybody called him Quacky for short ) , and Jerry Blavat . Micky and Reggie had met on the beach and instantly clicked . Davy met Quacky down at the library , trying to get a date with the head librarian 's niece . Quacky had his beak buried in a book , and he and Davy had run into each other , literally . Jerry had met all four Monkees at once , during a mix band contest at the local TV station . It turned into a disaster , but Mike and Jerry became good friends afterwards . Mike walked over and opened the door . The minute he did , he wanted to slam it right then and there . Standing at their door was none other than Mr . Zero , a devil the Monkees had delt with when Peter sold his soul for the ability to play the harp . Mike had proven that Zero hadn 't given him the ability to play the harp . " You must be joking ! " Davy shouted . " You can 't possibly collect anything ! Mike proved you didn 't give Petah the ability to play the harp ! " " Yes , I 'm aware of that , " Mr . Zero said , giving Mike a dirty look . " However , Peter had no money to pay for the harp . I am owed something for it . " " Mike , I can 't give the harp back ! " Peter shouted . " I can play it now ! I really can ! Even without Mr . Zero 's help ! I wanted to show Fluey when he came ! " " This is between myself and Peter , " Mr . Zero said , turning to the blond Monkee . " Now I 'm sure we can reach an agreement . You 'd be willing to give up something for the harp , wouldn 't you ? " " Okay , " Peter said . " You can have something of equal or greater value than my soul . But I can 't think of what in the world is worth that much , except my ability to play music and sing . " And with that , Zero disappeared . The others looked a little nervous , wondering if they made the right decision in allowing Zero to come back and take something of Peter 's that was worth as much , or more than his soul . But they decided not to worry about it until the time came . The moment was forgotten when Davy asked Peter to continue telling him and Micky about Fluey . Mike let their voices fade into the background . He was suddenly feeling strange . He couldn 't really place it . He felt all right , he was positive he wasn 't coming down with something , but yet , he just felt strange . He sat down , and started to read the newspaper again . That night , Mike had a difficult time falling asleep . There was a full moon outside , and it just made him feel stranger than he did before . He kept tossing and turning , but he just couldn 't seem to get to sleep . " Yeah , I just can 't sleep , " Mike said . " I 'm gettin ' this funny feelin ' . . . . I can 't really tell you what it is . Maybe Aunt Zelda will know . She 's a scientist . " Mike nodded , and tried to relax . Finally , sleep caught up with him . But he had a strange dream that night . He was in the bedroom of the Pad . Micky , Davy , and Peter were sound asleep . Mike was in a subconscious state of mind , or so he thought , and he was levitating off the bed as he slept . The next morning , Micky was shoving Pop Tarts in the toaster , while Peter was pouring a bowl of Corn Flakes . Davy wasn 't there . Mike figured he was still asleep . " You sure he didn 't go just to pick up the chick that works behind the counter ? " Mike asked . " Micky , would you please stop doin ' that ? You can 't fit an entire box of Pop Tarts in a toaster that size ! " " Well , what the heck do ya want me to do ? ! " Mike shouted . " You were the one who was shovin ' those stupid Pop Tarts in the toaster ! Ya can 't fit that many into the darn thing ! It 's bound to go up in flames that way ! " " Well , you know Micky 's an eating machine , " Davy said . " And Petah 's nephew is twelve , going on thirteen , and boys that age ' ave enormous appetites . Besides , Charlene gave me a good discount . Two dozen for the price of one dozen , on the stipulation I go out with ' er tomorrow night . " Peter nodded , and went to answer the door . He opened the window to see who it was and smiled as he opened the door all the way . Standing there was his mother , Virginia Thorkleson , and a twelve - year - old boy with thick black hair , brown eyes , and a mouth full of metal braces . " Oh my gosh , look at you ! " Peter shouted , as he swept his nephew into an enormous hug . " Look at you ! You 've gotten so big ! " " Yeah , he was a screamer , " Peter said . Then he changed the subject . " Mom , you remember my room mates , Davy , Micky , and Mike , right ? " " Trying to get rid of me , huh ? " Virginia asked , as she put down the suitcase she was carrying . Fluey did the same thing . " All right then . I guess I 'll be going . Now , you be a good boy and do everything your uncle tells you to , all right ? " " Yeah , I know the drill , Grandma , sheesh , " Fluey said . Then he turned to Peter . " She does this all the time ' cause I 'm the youngest . " Fluey gave Mike a strange look , and looked up at the ceiling . He saw the Pop Tarts there , and one fell to the floor . Fluey looked at it , and kicked it a little bit . " Yeah , okay , " he said , pushing Micky 's hand away . " Just never do that to me again . You could get hurt that way . " Fluey didn 't say anything . He just looked over at one of the wooden chairs around the kitchen table , and ran his hand along the top of the back of it . Then he took a couple of steps back , and held his hand up . Peter was impressed . Obviously , Fluey had come a long way from being the eight - year - old he left when he moved out to Los Angeles . He had gone from a bubblegum chewing , cartoon watching , school kid , to a smart alecky , karate chopping , braces wearing pre - teen . Peter also realized he was at the age where he would start to notice girls , and then there 'd be a lot of talk about the birds and the bees . He took a deep breath and sat down . And with that , Mike went out to the Monkee Mobile , leaving the others at the Pad to polish off the rest of the doughnuts . His aunts from Massachusetts , Hilda and Zelda Spellman , were arriving at the airport at ten thirty . They were right on time , but Mike ended up being late . Mike came dashing down the terminal at that moment . He tried to skid to a halt before he crashed into his aunts . As he stopped , he heard the sound of squealing tires , and looked around confused . " Yeah , " Mike said . " Sorry I 'm late . Pete 's nephew dropped in earlier than I thought , Micky blew up the toaster , and then I got stuck in traffic . " " Oh , he was tryin ' to shove two boxes worth of Pop Tarts in the darn thing , " Mike said . " After it caught on fire , it sort of blew up . Strangest thing , though . It didn 't blow up and turn into a smolderin ' hunk of black metal the last time he tried to shove too many Pop Tarts in there . " Hilda and Zelda looked at each other and followed Mike out to the Monkee Mobile . It was somewhat of a quiet ride home . Neither Hilda nor Zelda were speaking , and neither was Mike . " We know , Mike , " Hilda said . " But we don 't want to tell you while you 're driving . You might run off the road . " Mike did not understand that at all . It was back to silence , with the exception of the Monkee Mobile rolling down the highway to the Pad . Once they walked inside the beach house , Mike saw a note from the others on the table . " Mike , went down to the beach , see you later , the guys , " Mike read . " Okay , so now we 're completely alone . What 's goin ' on ? " " Sit down , Mike , " Zelda said . " We have something very important to tell you . And it 's not an easy thing to tell you . See , you just turned twenty - one , and we would have told you on your birthday , but we couldn 't , because we couldn 't visit you then . " " Well , other than running into a devil I thought I 'd seen the last of , " Mike said . " But that has to do mostly with Peter and a harp . And I did have a dream last night where I was floatin ' . It was kinda weird though . I was asleep , but it also felt like I was awake at the same time . Then there 's the whole toaster explosion . " Mike shrugged , and snapped his fingers . But he didn 't see what that was going to do . The moment he snapped , a lamp on the table blew . Mike was so startled , he nearly jumped a mile . He caught his breath , and sat back down . Hilda and Zelda exchanged a glance . " But . . . . but I can 't be a witch ! " Mike shouted . " I 'm a boy ! Shouldn 't that be warlock ? What am I sayin ' ? ! I can 't be that , either ! " " I get the idea , " Mike said . " But how . . . . how in the world can I . . . . wait a sec . My mom 's a witch ? Does that mean my father 's a witch , too ? " " She 's half witch , too , " Hilda said . " The thing is if a mortal woman marries a witch , the daughters inherit the powers , and if a mortal man marries a witch , then the sons inherit the powers . But Sabrina won 't get her powers until she 's sixteen . " " Because our branches of the family are different , " Zelda said . " Some get them when they 're born , others get them when they reach a certain age , and you happened to get them when you turned twenty - one . You don 't have all of them yet , though . Hilda and Zelda nodded and began a story . Once upon a time , in a land known as Magic Hollow , there were two witches named Apolla Spellman and Artemis McMurray . Apolla was known as the Daughter of the Sun , and Artemis was known as the Son of the Moon . They were married , and began developing all kinds of powers . They had many children and grandchildren . Eventually , the branches of the McMurray family and the Spellman family grew , and the magics between them grew as well . Since there were so many members of the Spellman and McMurray family , it was impossible to keep track of them all . Usually , the witches in the family stuck to each other , but there were instances where they would marry mortals . Though some divisions of the council were stricter than others . In the Spellman division , if a half witch comes face to face with their mortal parent , the mortal parent turns into a ball of wax . The McMurray division of the council is much more lenient , since it had been headed by Friedhelm and Willhelm Westerman . So as time went by , Mike 's mother , Bette McMurray met Warren Nesmith , and the two were married . Mike was born , and Warren and Bette divorced , and Warren just walked out on the family . Bette had to work as a single mother , and often left Mike with his Aunt Kate , and when Kate wasn 't able to look after him , Bette took him to Hilda and Zelda . " You know your mother , " Zelda said . " Work , work , work , work , work . And Kate couldn 't make it out here to tell you . So they sent us . But listen , there 's something important you need to know . " " For one entire week , " Zelda continued . " There will be a full moon every night , and that will happen this week . Everyone related to Artemis McMurray gets their powers from the moon . " " But the moon is very important , " Zelda said . She took something out of her pocket . It was a blue crystal , hanging on a gold chain . She unfastened it , and clasped it around Mike 's neck . " There . " " We came up with it , " Hilda said . " But we were referring to a different Blue Moon than what scientists call a blue moon . Blue Moons happen once every three hundred years . Very few half witches recieve their powers in this special way . Most of the time , the powers are just . . . . there . " Mike nodded , and stood up . He held the crystal in his fist and began walking around the room for a moment . He glanced out the window and saw Davy , Micky , Peter , and Fluey fooling around on the beach . He watched the seagulls flying about , screeching their heads off . Mike then looked down at they crystal , and then over to his aunts . Then he yanked the crystal off his neck and threw it across the room as hard as he possibly could . " Mike , you have to , " Zelda said , picking up the crystal . " Your powers now aren 't strong enough . And besides , it 's part of who you are . " " And your powers will fluctuate if you lose your temper , " Hilda said . " That will cause some serious magic to happen , and it can be unpredictible without the moonlight . And not only that , but you have very limited power . It will go out before you get a chance to get the moon power , then you 'll really need that Blue Moon ! " " I don 't care ! " Mike shouted . " I don 't want this stupid crystal , I don 't want those stupid magic powers , and I don 't want to be a witch ! Fine with me if I lose them ! Who needs them ? ! And besides , you 're probably just makin ' it all up ! " Mike didn 't answer . He turned away from his aunts and stormed out the back door , and down the stairs to the beach . Hilda and Zelda looked at each other . Zelda took the Moon Crystal , and held it against her chest . " Yeah , he didn 't take it well , " Hilda said . " But then again , he doesn 't take things well . Most things , anyway . " " Don 't you dare say it ! " Zelda slapped her hand over her sister 's mouth to prevent her from going on . " I don 't like to think about it . And we can 't tell him , anyway . It will only make him nervous , and he has to do this on his own . " Hilda groaned . She didn 't like the thought of being a statue for eternity . But she knew she and Zelda had to convince Mike to recieve his powers . At least they had until sunrise next Sunday to do it . Mike was skulking down the beach , thinking about what his aunts just told him . He just couldn 't believe this was happening to him . He ran into Micky , Davy , and Peter , and they were tossing a beach ball around . " I 'm not ready to repeat it , " Mike said . " You 'd never believe it . Matter of fact , even I don 't believe it ! Incidentally , where 's the kid ? " Fluey was balancing on Micky 's surfboard pretty well . But it still made Mike a little nervous . Actually , it made all four Monkees a little nervous . But Fluey was a pretty good surfer , for a kid who grew up in Connecticut . The relief didn 't last long . A giant wave came crashing down on Fluey . It had to be at least forty feet high . Needless to say Fluey wiped out , and he was swept underneath the water . Mike wasn 't convinced . Suddenly , something began bubbling in the water . A blast of water flew up like a fountain , and on the top of it was none other than Mr . Zero . Fluey was with him , but he appeared to be in some kind of trance . " Hello , all , " he said . " Nice to see you . Peter , your nephew is an exceptional swimmer , but how long can he hold his breath under water ? " " Well , my payment for the harp , of course ! " Mr . Zero laughed . " You said I could take something of equal or greater value than your soul , remember ? " " I can , and I do , " Mr . Zero said , with a smirk . " It 's your choice , Mr . Tork . Either give up your nephew , or give up your soul . " " Nothin ' , " Mike said . " Absolutely nothin ' . Zero , you can not force Peter to make a decision like this ! Take back the stupid harp and get outta here before I lose my temper ! " " What use have I for the harp ? " Mr . Zero asked . " I want his soul ! And if I can 't take his soul , I 'll take the boy 's soul . It 's a fair trade . I asked Mr . Tork if he would be willing to give up something of equal or greater value . " " I 'm warnin ' you , Zero , " Mike said , pointing his finger at the devil . He was about ready to lose his temper . " You take your harp and get outta here and leave us alone , or I 'm gonna . . . . " With every word , Mike 's voice rose , and he thrusted his finger back and forth . Before he could follow through on his threat , sparks began to fly from his index finger , and that led to a gigantic beam of light , shooting right out of his it , and it hit Mr . Zero square in the chest . He was knocked off his feet , and taken aback . The minute he was down , Fluey had been released from his trance , but he ended up collapsing on the sand unconscious . Peter ran to him to make sure he was okay . Mr . Zero just looked at Mike , wide eyed and slack jawed . Mike , Davy , and Micky had the same expressions on their faces as well . " You , " Mr . Zero said , once he got his wits back . " You 're one of them ! You are one of them ! Ha , ha ! This is wonderful ! Absolutely marvelous ! If you 're one of them , then you gave Tork the ability to play the harp after I took it away ! I knew it couldn 't have been the power of love ! There 's no such thing as the power of love ! This is delightful . I must convein a court and tell them of this new evidence ! Your soul will be mine , Tork ! Mine I tell you ! " Mr . Zero then disappeared , cackling madly . Mike just stood there , too shocked to move . He had no idea what Mr . Zero was talking about , either . All he knew is that his aunts had been right . He really was part witch . Micky and Davy ran over to Mike , surprised as anything . " It did , " Mike said , nodding absently . " Micky , could you do somethin ' ? Could you stand right there , and Davy , you stand over there . " " So you can catch me when I faint , " Mike said . And with that , his eyes rolled back into their sockets , and he fainted . Micky and Davy caught him before he hit the ground . Peter looked over at them , and became even more nervous . " We 'd bettah get ' im , and Fluey , back to the Pad , " Davy said . " Petah , you take Fluey . Micky and I ' ave got Mike . " " Sleeping , " Peter said . " I checked everything I knew how to check . He 's fine . He probably won 't remember what happened when he wakes up . " " I can 't believe it , " Mike said . " I just can 't believe it . " Mick , call Reggie and Quacky and Jerry . Get them over here . Have I got news for all of you ! " Micky went to the phone , and Mike went back down on the couch . He closed his eyes , covered them with his hands , and groaned . He was going to need all his strength to tell this to everybody . Fifteen minutes later , the sound of a motorcycle was heard out back . It stopped , and footsteps came thumping up the back stairs . The back door open , and in came a green anthropomorphic duck , with purple hair and blue eyes . He wore a black leather jacket , blue jeans , black boots , and carried a black motorcycle helmet under his arm . It was Micky 's friend , Reggie Bushroot . A knock on the door was heard next . Davy went to answer it . It turned out to be disc jockey Jerry Blavat . Davy wasn 't too thrilled to have him there , and the feeling was mutual , but Mike had wanted him there , so he came . He and Davy would just have to put up with each other . " Beats the ' eck outta me , " Davy said . " And if Mike wants this to be a secret , I 'd bettah not ' ear you blabbing it around town on that radio show of yours , Geatah . You should change your name from Jerry Blavat to Jerry Blab - It . " " Ow ! " the person on the other side shouted . Davy opened the door again , and saw his friend , Quacky Quackerstein , standing there . Quacky was an anthropomorphic duck , like Reggie , only he was white , and had long brown hair held in a ponytail , and bangs that hung in his face . " First of all , " Mike said , sitting up . " These are my aunts , Hilda and Zelda . Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda , these are three friends of ours , Reggie , Jerry , and Quacky . And you 've meet Micky , Davy , and Peter . You would 've met Fluey , but he 's up there sleepin ' off a slight accident , so you 'll meet him later . And I 'll explain that slight accident to the two of you later as well . " " So why 'd you call this meeting , Mike ? " Reggie asked . " It couldn 't possibly be because you wanted to introduce your aunts to us . " " Witch and a mortal , " Mike said . " My mother 's side of the family has the witchcraft . And I don 't know if my father knows about it . So to make a long story short , mostly because I don 't know most of the darn story , my mom 's a witch , my Aunt Kate is a witch , and several aunts and uncles and cousins are witches . " " So , uh , you 're a witch , huh ? " Micky asked . " And your aunt Kate is a witch . And your cousins in Texas are witches ? " " Well , Lucy and Clara are the lucky ones , " Mike said . " Aunt Zelda said they didn 't inherit any special powers . They said that if a warlock marries a mortal woman , the girls inherit the powers . If a witch marries a mortal man , the boys inherit the power . Well , guess what ? " " You got powers , " Reggie said . " That 's pretty cool . Can you turn the tax man into a beetle ? " Reggie cracked up . He just started laughing like crazy . It was obvious to Mike that he didn 't believe him . So , Mike concentrated on what he wanted to do and snapped his fingers . Lightning flashed across the room and Reggie was completely singed . " So now that I 've shown off my magic in front of Zero , " he concluded , " he somehow thinks I gave Peter the ability to play the harp when he took it away . But I didn 't because I didn 't have my magic yet , but I don 't think they 'd believe it . What am I gonna do ? " It seemed like it was a good idea . While they were doing that , Mike was just finishing telling his story for the third time . This time to Valerie who had come over only to be meeting Fluey , and to Fluey , for that matter , who had recovered quickly from his surfing mishap . " You may think so , kid , " Mike said . " But I sure don 't ! I don 't have them all yet . My aunts said somethin ' about gettin ' them this week from the moon , but I don 't think I will . " " That 's just it , " Mike sighed . " I don 't want them ! I don 't want to be a witch ! I just want to be a normal , every day , out of work musician ! My aunts said until I get my powers from this Blue Moon Saturday night , I have limited magic in my system . If I use it up before I get in the moonlight , that 's it . And if I don 't get them from the Blue Moon , I lose my magic completely . Sounds good to me , actually . " The others immediately cracked up . As they were laughing , a clap of thunder was heard and smoke filled the room . When it cleared , there stood Mr . Zero . Valerie , Fluey , Jerry , Reggie , and Quacky stared at him , completely shocked . " What the heck is this ? " Reggie asked , as he opened the envelope . He read through it , and gave the others a strange look . " A summons to appear in court ? ! " " Yeah , Zero , leave Val and Fluey and Reggie and Quacky and Jerry out of this ! " Micky shouted . " They don 't have anything to do with it ! " " They shall serve as witnesses , " Mr . Zero said . " The trial is set for tonight , right before midnight . And if you don 't show , Mr . Nesmith , I recieve Mr . Tork 's soul by default ! " And with that , Mr . Zero disappeared . The Monkees and their friends looked at each other . If Mike was found guilty , Peter 's soul would belong to Mr . Zero . It didn 't give Hilda and Zelda a lot of time to search through the records . There was no way out of this . Hilda pinged out . Mike massaged his forehead . Something was telling him that this was not going to be easy . At eleven thirty , Zero returned to the Pad , and transported everyone into his court room . The Monkees sat behind a desk at the front of the courtroom , while the others sat in the audience . All except Jerry . He had gone to the library to look up something , and he was at his apartment looking things over . " Did your aunts find a copy of the contract and your records , Mike ? " Davy asked . " If you want him here , Nesmith , it can be arranged , " Mr . Zero said . Then he turned to the judge . " Your honor , if I may state my case , I am here to prove that , even though Mr . Peter Tork was found not guilty , because he had played the harp after I had taken the power away , that another gave him the power . There is no such thing as the power of love . " " Thank you , " Mr . Zero said . " Although I did not get Mr . Tork 's soul out of the deal , I was owed something since I gave him the harp in the first place . And he agreed that I could take something of equal or greater value . " " Keep that up , Mr . Nesmith , and I won 't need to make my next point , " Mr . Zero said , sneakily . " Your honor , when I went to collect , Mr . Nesmith blew not only his temper , but he blew magic out of his finger . And his friends had witnessed it , am I correct boys ? " " Yes , well , " Mr . Zero said . " Even a half witch could have given Mr . Tork the skill he needed to play the harp . Love had nothing to do with it , your honor . " " Well , my driver 's license has my birthday on it , " Mike said , taking his wallet out of his pocket . " And I 'm sure Zero has a copy of the contract Peter signed . Just compare the dates . I didn 't turn twenty - one yet ! " " Silly boy . Don 't you know that all witches , warlocks , and half breeds have them , even if they are born in the mortal world . Do you have them ? " As if that were their cue , Hilda and Zelda popped in . Jerry was with them , and he joined Reggie , Quacky , Valerie , and Fluey . They noticed he was carrying a huge book , and wearing a pair of glasses . " We 're not joking , " Hilda said . " We even went to your mother , Mike . We went to Uncle Fried , Kate , and practically all the relatives , just in case they had copies of the papers , but they didn 't . " " Since there is no proof of the claim , " the judge said . " I find the defendant , Mr . Michael Nesmith , guilty ! Mr . Zero is awarded the soul of one , Peter Tork , as stated in the contract . " Jerry began to search through the book frantically , skimming the pages as fast as he could . He was a champion speed reader . He finally came to something , and looked up . " We 'll call this an appeal then , " Jerry said . " On page one thousand three hundred twenty - two of this book here . I have found . . . . the loophole . " " You have , " Mr . Zero said , dryly . " Ah , Jerry , you know we have great respect for your screwball ideas , but . . . . " Mike started " Before you go on about my screwball ideas , Mike , I 'm serious , " Jerry continued . " I checked out this book from the library and I found the loophole . Of course , it might be dangerous . " " Give me a sec , " Jerry said , holding up the book . He pushed his reading glasses up , and started to read . " It says the party of the first part , which is Peter , agrees to give his soul to the party of the second part , which is Mr . Zero , in exchange for what he wishes , which is that harp , or whatever it is . I don 't know the entire story . I wasn 't there . " " Anyway , " Jerry said , throwing Davy a dirty look . " The party of the third part , which is Mike in this case , is entitled to challenge the party of the second part to a magic duel over the party of the first part 's soul . If the party of the third part wins the magic duel , the party of the second part agrees to release the party of the first part . If the party of the second part wins , then the party of the second part is entitled to keep the party of the first part 's soul , and he is entitled to take the party of the third part 's soul as well . If the party of the third part forfeits , the party of the second part recieves the soul of the party of the first part only , and the party of the third part is free to go . " " In lamens terms , " Jerry said . " Mike and Zero duke it out with their powers , if Mike wins , Peter goes free . If Zero wins , he gets Peter 's soul , and Mike 's soul along with it . " " No , uh - uh , absolutely not , no way ! " Mike shouted . " There is no way in the world I 'm gonna have a duel with Zero ! " " Before you get your knickahs in a twist , Mike , " Davy said . Jerry gave the short British Monkee a confused Look before he continued . " Jerry , are you sure there 's no othah way ? " " If that 's how you want it , " he said , with a smirk . " Then I accept the challenge . We will meet here on Saturday night . Mr . Tork will be staying with you until then . And the outcome of his fate , and yours , Mr . Nesmith , will be decided Saturday . " " Oh you and your big mouth ! " Mike shouted at Jerry . " How in the world could you do somethin ' like that to me ? ! I can 't fight Zero ! " " Forget it , Aunt Zelda ! " Mike shouted . " You can 't convince me to do it ! And I won 't ! End of story ! " " Yeah , Mike , if you don 't show up for the duel , Zero gets Peter by forfeit , " Jerry said . " He 's not entitled to your soul if you forfeit . He only gets that if he beats you . " And with that , Mike stormed upstairs . He wanted to be alone . The others had to think . They had to find a way out of this mess . And so far , the only way out was for Mike to fight the duel , and for that , he needed to absorb his powers from the moonlight . And he clearly did not want to do that . An entire week went by . The Monkees and their friends were wracking their brains out trying to figure out what to do . Hilda and Zelda were going all over the place trying to find Mike 's witch papers . They just didn 't know where to find them . And if that weren 't bad enough , they were all trying to convince Mike to go get his powers from the Blue Moon . Hilda and Zelda were the worst . When they came back Saturday morning , they just kept barraging him , as well as the others . " For the millionth time , no ! " Mike shouted , losing all his patients for the matter whatsoever . And because of that , sparks flew from his fingers , and began bouncing off the walls like a pinball . They made the same sound effect to . Reggie ran to the window , and opened it . The spark shot outside before it could do any damage . " Mike , there 's no way out , " Valerie said . " Zero 's accepted the challenge , and that means you have to get your magic . If you don 't , you 'll never win the duel ! " " And if you don 't show up for the fight tonight , Zero gets Uncle Peter 's soul by forfeit ! " Fluey shouted . Mike looked at the crystal in his hand . Then he folded his fingers over it , and gripped it tightly . He turned away from the others , and started up the stairs . The others just watched him . It was obvious that he wasn 't going to get his powers . He refused to accept the fact that he was half witch . He didn 't want them , and he wasn 't going to take them . The others just didn 't know how to convince him . Mike didn 't answer . He just walked through the door and closed it behind him . Davy , Peter , and Fluey jumped up and ran out after him . Zelda followed a few moments later . " You can 't walk away from this , Mike ! " Zelda shouted , about ready to lose her own temper . " You just can 't run away from this ! It 's part of who you are ! " Mike didn 't acknowledge his aunt , and he didn 't stop , either . There was nothing anyone could do at this point , except to let him go . Fluey watched him and turned to Peter , Davy , and Zelda . Mike , in the meantime , was sitting by himself on a park bench , just thinking . He didn 't know what to do . He didn 't want magic powers , and he sure didn 't want Zero to get his hands on Peter 's soul . He heaved a sigh , and held his head in his hands . " Look , Jerry , I really don 't want those stupid powers ! And I know that without them , I 'll never beat Zero , and if I don 't show up to the duel tonight , he gets Peter 's soul anyway . . . . Jerry , I can 't win ! " " Okay , the truth is . . . . well , I never really delt well with change . I mean , here I am , out in California startin ' a new life . I meet three great guys and we perform a band . Now I 'm twenty - one years old , and my aunts pop in and tell me I 'm a witch , and I have until sunrise tomorrow to get my powers , and to top it all off , a devil I had to deal with once , which was one time too many , is back and he wants Peter 's soul , and nothin ' is gonna stop him from gettin ' it . . . . Jerry , I 'm just plain scared of what 's gonna happen ! I don 't want these magic powers ! I don 't know how to use them ! And I don 't know how to beat Zero . And I 'm just so scared that he 'll beat the tar outta me , and not only will I be lettin ' Peter down , I 'd be lettin ' myself down . I just can 't do it ! " " Well , quitting won 't get you anywhere , either , " he said . " Mike , listen . This magic thing is a gigantic change in your life . It 's gonna take some getting used to . But you 've got to get those powers if you 're gonna defeat Zero . " " That won 't do any good , " Zelda said , pulling a piece of paper out of her bag . While Mike had left , Zelda and Hilda continued searching , and managed to find the papers . Zelda handed it to Mike , and he looked through them . " If you 've got my papers , " Mike said , looking through the document . " Then why won 't it do any good ? It 's got my birthdate on here plain as day , and comparin ' it to the date Pete signed the contract . . . . . " Zelda handed Mike a copy of the contract , and Mike compared the dates . He couldn 't have possibly given Peter the ability to play the harp . Peter had signed the contract a month before Mike turned twenty - one . " Brother , now I 'm gonna have to take them , " Mike groaned . He looked out the window . The sun was setting . He sighed , and grabbed his crystal . " Okay , " he said . " Let 's do this . If this is the only way out of this mess , then it 's the only way . " The others watched as Mike walked outside onto the deck of the beach house . Once the sun set completely , the moon came up . Mike stared at it . It was definitely blue . He took out the crystal . The minute he held it out in the open , a beam from the moon shot towards it , and it illuminated . Then , Mike felt his muscles tense up . He found he couldn 't move . Then he felt a tingling sensation throughout his body . He suddenly started to shake , and found he couldn 't stop . He dropped to his knees , groaned , and pressed his hands against the floor . He tried to get up , but he couldn 't . The others watched , growing more and more nervous by the second . Suddenly , a blue light surrounded Mike 's body . Mike let out a shriek , and began to shake uncontrollably again . " Don 't worry , it 's okay , " Hilda said . " The process is always a little painful the first time . This doesn 't happen to all half witches , just certain ones . Mike just happens to be one of those types . " The others still weren 't sure . Finally , the shaking stopped . The light from the crystal dimmed , and the glow surrounding Mike subsided . Mike was still kneeling on the ground , catching his breath . Then he stood up , walked back inside , and practically collapsed in a chair . The others had to agree on that one . Mike took a deep breath , and closed his eyes , just for a second . The next thing he knew , it was ten minutes to midnight . That was all there was to it . The Monkees and their friends headed for the cemetary . Mr . Zero was there already , along with some others . There was no way out . The Monkees and their friends were going to watch , just to see what was going to happen . That was fine with Mr . Zero . He loved getting the chance to scare Peter out of his wits . " Those are the judges , " Mr . Zero said . " And they are going to be fair about this , I 'm sorry to say . They 've agreed . " Mike nodded . He didn 't know what to expect . All he knew about him was that he had his powers , but he didn 't know what good they would do him if he didn 't know how to use them . Mr . Zero made his first move . He sent lightning bolts hurling at Mike so fast , he had a hard time stopping them . He fought back , using his own magic , but his wasn 't nearly as strong as Zero 's . Mike was putting up a pretty good fight , but it wasn 't easy since his powers weren 't as strong as Zero 's , since he was only half warlock . Mr . Zero was laughing . He knew he had Mike where he wanted him . He thought this fight was only a waste of time . Suddenly , Zelda realized something . " The Blue Moon ! " she shouted . " The minute when moon light hits Mike again , his powers will increase . He can get as much magic in his system as he needs as long as the moon is out ! " Sure enough , the moon rose to it 's highest position and a tiny ray of blue moonlight centered on Mike . He lifted his hands and actually felt his power increasing . He gave a sly look to Zero and thrust his hands forward . A beam of magic appeared and sent the devil flying . " Oh no , " Zero groaned . " Nothing Mike ! " Micky shouted , in a tone that told Mike something was going on , but he wasn 't going to say a word . Mike just sighed , shook his head , and went back to the newspaper .

Leave a reply Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The woman in his arms was weak . Crosby wasn 't sure that she was going to make it , not the way she 'd been burned . As soon as he laid her on the soft earth , she opened her eyes and looked up at him . Crosby felt his heart skip several beats . My goodness , she sure was a pretty little thing . " The others ? " He told her that his sons were getting out as many as they could . " Thank you . The house , it just exploded into flames . We had no time to get out . " " We caught him . " She frowned but let her eyes flitter to a close . Asking her if she was all right enough for him to leave her for a moment , she nodded . Crosby went to the house to help his boys . They had no way of knowing how many faeries were in the house . A few of them had died , whether from smoke inhalation or fire . They pulled out as many as they could , dead or alive , and laid them on the ground . Soon there 'd be nothing left of the building , but he didn 't want to leave anyone behind if he could help it . The faeries , even the smaller ones , were worth any kind of pain they might get from the hot flames to save them . " They 're all out , so far as we can tell . We 've made an area over there for the dead . The ones that can be saved are being helped by the others . " Jason , his oldest , dropped to his knees . " I don 't think we missed anyone , but it 's burning too hot for us to go back in . I 'm sorry , Dad . " " We did the best we could , son . You have to believe that . That house , it went up fast . I 'm thinking that the man who did this , he knew what he was about . " He glanced over at the woman he 'd brought out . She was resting , which he was glad for . And her body seemed to be healing slowly . " I think she 'd be the one in charge . If she 's awake , ask her how many were in the place , please . " Jason stood up just as the rest of them were coming out of the falling down building . Just as the last of his boys came out , the entire thing fell down behind them . Grayson jumped back when his shirt caught on one of the embers . Luckily , Elliot was able well , it was over almost as soon as we got here . " She nodded . " I 'm sorry about your family , miss . There was no cause for this . " " You said that he 'd been caught . Is he … did you kill him ? " Crosby told her that he was dead , yes . " Thank you for that . Had he been able to get away , I fear that he would do more of the same to my kind . I wish to repay you . " " No , that won 't be necessary . I know what you are and what they were , but we 've no desire to take anything else from you . You have lost enough , my lady . " She nodded and Crosby introduced her to his sons . " This is Jason , my oldest . Then in order of birth to youngest , it 's Chase , Elliot , Grayson , Ryan , and the youngest is Sean . This is the Lady Kilian , the faerie queen . " He was proud of his boys , all of them men now but still his little boys . As they shook her hand he spoke of them , just little things that he was happy to share with her . How they 'd been taking lessons from the neighbor lady to learn how to sew and knit . Things that men should know how to do in the event of an emergency . How Sean could do some doctoring if necessary , even on a human . All notes of the pride that Crosby felt for his sons . When she turned to him , he could see that she had completely healed and was feeling like herself again . She looked at the dead and injured . " The man who did this , he was out to kill all of us . " Crosby said that was about right . " Had you not come here when you did , he would have succeeded . By killing me , without someone to take the place of the queen , all faeries would have perished . And you know as well as I , that would be the death of a great deal of magic . " " We only came to help out the people living here , miss . We would have done the same for anyone . " She smiled at him . " You 're very beautiful , my lady . I 'm glad that we could save you and the others . I 'm sorry that there wasn 't more time for us . We 'll help with the dead , should you wish . As I said , it won 't be any trouble at all . " " You have given the worldshould be after a simple thank you gift . Every inch he crawled toward them , it felt as if he was taken several feet back . Christ , he was going to die right there . " Dad ? " He nodded at Jason as he got to his knees too . " I 'm sick . I mean , I feel like I need to puke and my legs are weak . What did she do to us ? " " She said it was a gift . For saving her and the others . Doesn 't feel that way , but that 's what she told me . " Jason cursed as he stood up on his wobbly legs . " We have to get to shelter . Can you get the others going ? " " I 'm not hurt . " He looked at Sean , who was standing with his arms wide . He wanted to tell him to grab up one of the others and go , but he looked at him , with the sunlight streaming behind him , and didn 't see any blisters . His skin wasn 't peeling back . And he looked … . Well , he looked happy . " The sun isn 't hurting me . I bet it 's not going to hurt any of us . And it feels fantastic . " Crosby looked at his own hands . They were covered in soot but not from his own flesh . Wiping them on his pants , he noticed that he wasn 't blistered either . His skin was just like it was when he was indoors , hiding from the very thing that would end their lives . Looking at the sun , he felt the warmth of it on his face and none of the terror that usually came with being outside . He 'd not felt this good , this warm , for as long as he could remember . " She gave us the gift of sunlight . " Crosby nodded at Jason . " Do you think that it 's only for today ? I mean , if it is , then I want to stay out here all through it . I have never felt the sun before . " No , neither had he . Once , long ago , he 'd felt it for a fleeting moment when his wife had died . It had been in his heart to join her , but the boys had needed him . And the promise that he 'd made to her before her passing had made him go into hiding again . He missed Rena every day . He 'd lost his wife to man . Not a human , but just as bad . There were a few good humans - he wasn 't stupid enough to think that they 'd all come fromtold them no than he could have told himself . Being in the sunlight , while fleeting , was the most fun he 'd had in a very long time . Crosby loved his children . All six of them . They had kept him going these last decades without their mother . He was tired , however . Not just today and how special it had been for them all , but he was tired of living . They no longer needed him , they had proven that to him over and over . Tomorrow night , he decided , he 'd talk to them and tell him of his plans . It was well past time for him to join their beloved mother . Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Emma Hudson wanted to get this over with . Her father had left her in a jam , and the sooner she dropped off his duplicate trucker log books to the Harrisons , the sooner she could get back to work and try to clear her name . Trucking was all she knew , and she was tired of it . Liam Harrison watched the pretty little thing climb into her truck to get the books , but when she slipped and fell back into his arms with a life - threatening cut on her arm , he knew two things : she was his mate , and she would die if he didn 't convert her right now . And when a string of rest stop murders brings an old vampire friend back into the family 's fold , he informs them Emma was next . It was time to park the truck . They all knew that Emma 's father would come sniffing around to try to swindle her out of more money , it was just a matter of time . But how far would he go to get what he wanted ? Riordan Harrison can 't believe it . Everyone is pissed at him and he doesn 't see what the fuss is all about . All he did was tell the woman that she was his mate . He couldn 't help it that his tiger caused him to pin the woman to the counter and she proceeded to throw him to the ground and cover him with sticky pastries . Now , no one will talk to him , including his secretary . He hasn 't claimed the woman yet , and it is all seeming like it 's more trouble than it 's worth . Storm Browning , Stormy to her friends , is a wounded war hero . She 's done her duty and just wants to live a quiet life ― run her little bakery without any hitches . The majority of the men she commanded in the war had been shifters so she wasn 't surprised when the big oaf sniffed her out claiming that she was his mate . But that doesn 't mean she has to agree with it . What else could she do ? He had to go . He 'd hightail it and run anyway when he saw her scars ― they all did . She couldn 't emotionally handle that , not again at any rate . But if Riordan is going to get back on everyone 's good side , he 'll have to make peace with the woman . Even though he thinks he 's innocent , he 'll go for a visit and maybe apologize , but after he gets there things go from bad to worse . Stormy is targeted for assassination and he 's in the line of fire … . Cormac Harrison , Mac to his family and friends , has a good thing going . He has a brand new home , a successful business , and is truly happy with the direction his life is heading . Andi Collins can 't seem to catch a break . The last time she 'd encountered her father , she 'd ended up in the hospital . Now , Stormy Harrison , is giving her a break and helping her get back on her feet . So when this big handsome man tells her that she 's his mate she 's scared to death . Mate . She 'd heard the term before . And what it meant . She would belong to him . Not just him , but whoever he wanted to sell her to . Andi reached for the door handle , thinking that rolling from a moving car would be better than being passed around like a napkin at a banquet hall . " Don 't do that . " He reached for her hand just as she touched the handle . " Please , just listen to me and I 'll explain . " " I don 't need you to explain . I know what mate means . My friends at school , they told me what happens when you become a mate to men . And what they didn 't tell me , my father and aunt explained the rest . Mates use you , and then when they 've had enough , they pass you around to all the other men they know . I won 't have it . " The car suddenly stopped . Her seatbelt cut into her neck , and she nearly hit her head on the dash it stopped so abruptly . Nikki Neal was damn good at her job . As an undercover cop , she had just about enough information to put the local crime boss away , but she needed more to make it stick . But when someone blew her cover , Nikki found herself on the wrong end of several guns . Aedan Harrison was on the fast track to winning the Governor 's seat for the state of Ohio . He had his whole life , or at least his immediate future , planned out . What he didn 't need was a mate he hadn 't made plans for throwing a monkey wrench into the mix . The last thing Nikki needed was an overbearing jackass ordering her about , and telling her how much he didn 't need her in his life right now . Well , she didn 't need him either . She had work to do and needed to get herself and her grandda to safety . It didn 't take long for Aedan 's family to convince him in the error of his ways , and when he saw what he 'd done he felt like an ass . All he wanted to do was make it right , but could he grovel enough for her to accept him ? Brooke Rickson had been working the pottery wheel and pulling clay with her great - grandfather almost as long as she could remember . Her work was famous even though no one really knew who she was . She preferred it that way and had become a recluse since her great - grandfather died . He had left her everything . Mac Harrison loved rare pottery , and when he landed two tickets to the big art show he was thrilled . He could get his prized Rickson pottery piece appraised and get to see new work at the same time . He brought his brother , Darcy , along for the ride . When Darcy caught Brooke 's scent , he knew he 'd found his mate . Unfortunately , the beautiful recluse made no bones about telling him that she was alone and liked it that way , and that no man was barging in and taking over her orderly life . She was living her life just the way she wanted it and that didn 't include taking orders from a man - any man . He could get that thought right out of his head … . Liam loved the house . He walked through it once more , just to be sure that he wasn 't feeling something that wasn 't there . Nope , he thought to himself , he loved this place . Trying hard not to show how much he did , he walked around the big empty living room once more to calm himself and his inner cat . There wasn 't any point in giving away his happiness before making an offer . " This room alone is nearly as big as the house that I live in . " The realtor smiled at him . " What do you think , Mr . Harrison … is this a place you can put down roots ? " " I 'm not sure . " He thought that he sounded like he was bored and had to take a deep breath before continuing . " The kitchen needs to be redone . I mean , from the studs . There are going to be issues with the furnace and with the air conditioning as well before too much longer . Also , I think I saw rat droppings in the garage . " Which he knew wouldn 't be a problem once he moved in . He 'd bet by now , there wasn 't one within ten miles of the place . Him being a tiger tended to take care of that sort of thing . He asked her what the selling price was again , knowing full well what it was . " The house hasn 't been lived in for about four months … I believe that 's the time frame . And before that , I do believe that they had the place exterminated . If you 're seeing droppings , I 'm not sure where they came from . But the bank is very motivated to sell . They 're asking four hundred , but I think I can get them to go a little lower , but not too much . I do know that the house needs work . Like I said , it 's been empty for a few months while things were settled . " Liam nodded . He knew just exactly why it had been sitting , and that it had been a good deal longer than a few months . " I can go in at a lower price , but I believe they have multiple offers so I 'd not expect too much . " " All right then . Thank you for your time . " She took his hand when it was offered and Liam made his way to the door . " Wait . I don 't understand . Did you want me to make an offer ? Are you done with the house ? He told Storm that he was . Good . I think you should stop by our house . There is a large vehicle , and that 's an understatement , in the drive , and the person in it is asking for you . Not nicely , I might add . Hudson is her name . Why is she … ? You know what , I don 't care . She 's the woman that I was telling you about on the deal with Whites . She said she had some information on her father maybe picking up the loads that they 're missing . Any luck finding Mr . Hudson , by the way ? Storm told him she was still looking . He really fucked her over . Not the only one either , from what I 've been able to find out . But he did royally fuck her over with her job . She had a good rep , as you said , and he 's really taken her for a ride . Lost her house , car , as well as her savings trying to keep herself out of jail . I 'd like to find this fucker myself . Liam said that he would as well . She 's currently at her truck , walking around it . I don 't know why , but I kind of think that she 's had enough of the open road for a while . She looks beaten . Liam made a left to go to his brother 's home , and smiled when he thought of the temper of the woman , Hudson . When he 'd spoken to her last night - well , earlier that morning - he 'd been sleep confused , but hearing her voice and what she had to say had him getting up and going back to his computer . He was going to find her father if he had to do it on his own . The rig was parked in the long drive to his brother 's house . The woman was circling the back end , the place where the big trailer was attached . He watched her for several minutes as she moved around it like a little monkey , checking the lines and lights as she went . When she jumped down , she stared at him as he did her . Christ , she was beautiful . " Liam ? " He nodded at her question . " I was close enough to bring them to you , and I 'm not so trusting of the postal service on something like this . I need them back , so you know . I might need them should Daddy dearest come back for some more o " You 're cut deep . I have to heal you . " He heard Riordan caution him , but he was losing her and had to do something . As soon as she fainted , he shifted . The roaring in his head was making him sick . They were losing their mate and neither of them were happy about it . His cat whimpered but knew what to do . As soon as he licked the wound closed , tasting her blood as he did so , he seemed to realize at the same moment that she was too weak , that they 'd waited too long . Growling at the couple that were too close to them , his cat bit deeply into her belly , tearing it open as he did so . " Hurry , Liam . You 're going to lose her if you don 't . " He knew that and snarled at Storm , and she laughed . " Just trying to help . I 'm assuming that she 's your mate . " Yes . And I don 't want to hear you making fun of me just yet . He was pissy and wasn 't sure why , but he bit into her leg . Holding his mouth deep in the wound , he looked up at his brother . Riordan was afraid for him , and Liam didn 't feel any better about this . I have a feeling she 's not going to be thrilled when she wakes and finds out what I 've done . " More than likely not . But it was that or she was dead . I can hear her heart picking up , can you ? " He told him that he could . " Just a few more minutes now and you should be able to release her . I 'll take her inside and put her in the bedroom that you use when here . " Thank you . Riordan nodded and called to someone on the porch to bring out some blankets . Riordan , she 's got some pretty horrific memories in here . Mostly about her father . He took her for everything . And left her with living in this truck . " I know . I read the report Stormy found . When you release her , go in the house and shower and change . Once you are settled , I 'll bring you what we 've been able to find out . Also , Marcy Cochran called about the house . She wants you to make a reasonable offer . " Liam let the young woman go , but he wasn 't ready to leave her yet . Her heartrate had picked up and he could see the wound at " The courts went by the books on this . There is no fault according to them . She had to sell her house as well as her car , which wasn 't a new one but all she had , when the trucking dealership wanted all their money . The truck is still missing , it appears . " He asked if her father had it . " I 'm thinking not . I don 't know why , but I think he sold it for the money , and someone else is driving it that knows about trackers and such . Might be wrong , but I think that 's it . We have the LoJack information , and since we can 't find it that way , we 've come to the conclusion that it 's been taken out . Also , you know it is against the law . " If she thought that , then it was more than likely true . " I told Ennis not to worry about rushing now . I told him what happened , but not that she is my mate . " " He knows . So do your parents . " He asked her how that had happened . " Riordan was covered in blood when they showed up , Hudson 's blood , and your mom sort of freaked out . He had to tell them . " " I guess . I 'm trying to figure out what to tell her when she wakes up . " The woman on the bed stirred and he watched , sure that she was going to wake a great deal sooner than anyone would have expected . " I have to help her out . Of all of this . " " Liam , can I ask you a personal question ? " He just looked at her . " Okay , some of it I know . Like where you have some of your money invested . How much the books say you 're worth . But what is it you do ? I mean , I know you work for the family business when they need you , but that can 't be all that you do , is it ? " " I 'm a businessman . " She snorted at him . " Okay , I 'm a very good businessman . I invest low and sell high . For everything . I 'm good at bargaining on things as well . Like the house . I 'm going to get it , but not at the asking price . Then , if Emma doesn 't care for it , I 'll sell it for a great deal more than I purchased it for . " " Why would me liking your house have anything to do with whether or not you sell it ? " He grinned and saidmakes you have to save me . " He said that he would have anyway . " No , you wouldn 't have . Don 't lie to me . " " I can 't . " She nodded and sat up , but he could see that she was slightly dizzy . " You lost a great deal of blood , so you might want to take it easy for a few hours . You should try and drink a lot and have a light - " " Don 't order me around . " He leaned back in the chair and looked at her . " I 'm not … . I know you really didn 't , but I 'm starting to freak a little here . I 'm a fucking tiger . " ~ ~ ~ Hudson laid on the bed thinking about her life and what had just happened . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do . " " Me either . " She turned to her back and looked at him . " I 'm not going to apologize for converting you . I could , I guess , but you 're alive , and that 's the most important thing right now . I don 't know anything about you other than what I 've read in the information that Storm got for us when you called me . And you know even less than that about me . What would you like to know ? If anything . " " What was your name again ? " He told her . " All right , Liam . I 'm Emma Hudson , but I rarely go by my first name . I have no idea why , but that 's what they started calling me in middle school and that stuck . I drive cross country . Not as much as I used to , but sometimes I need the money more than I do anything . I had a home , but I had to sell it to pay for the rig that my father stole . Which he did , no matter what the courts say . " " Storm , my sister - in - law - and so you know , you met her when you came here - she doesn 't think he has it anymore . " She nodded , thinking that Storm had some good connections . " Your load you have now , you mentioned that it was a back run . Does that have to go out today ? " " Not today , but soon . I have to have it about six hours from here by noon tomorrow . " He leaned back in his chair . " What about me being a cat ? I mean , I can sort of feel something inside of me . What does that mean ? " " She 's letting you know that s " Yes . We feel that way as well . I 'd very much like it if you were to go with me to the house that I 'm thinking of buying . If it doesn 't suit you , then that 's fine as well . I have a place that I live in , it 's an apartment , if you 'll come stay with me for a time . " He cursed and she laughed . " There 's this big deal of a wedding next weekend . My brother Aedan is getting married . They 've been living together for a little while , but this wedding is going to be epic , I guess . " " Why ? " He told her how he was the governor of the state and that he was looking into becoming the president someday . " Wow . Your family , they have big plans . " " They do . We all do . " She nodded . " What is bothering you , Emma ? Is it something that I can fix ? Or do for you ? " " I 'm assuming that you all have money . " He nodded but didn 't say how much , which she thought was a good thing . " My father will get wind of this . Not that I 'm a cat , but that I 'm with someone with money , and he 'll come sniffing around . He 's not stupid , but he can play a person and get what he wants . No matter the cost to them . " " He can do that if he wants . But he won 't get away with it this time . I can promise you that . Nor will he hurt you , mentally , physically , or financially . " Hudson wasn 't sure , but she was almost afraid for her dad . " Will you take my hand ? Please ? " " What will that mean for us ? " He said that it would only be him taking her to the kitchen for food for now . " I feel something for you . I 'm not sure what it is , but I trust you . I want to be with you . Is that the cat in me ? " " Yes , for now anyway . I hope that later , you as a woman will feel something for me as well . We mate for life , and quickly . " She still wasn 't sure about this , none of it . " I want to take this slowly . I think it would benefit us both if we started out fresh , like we 're dating . I know that we 've gone beyond that , with me converting you and having this connection , but even my cat is okay with us doing it this wThere was a thick roast beef sandwich on a wonderfully fresh roll with lettuce , tomatoes , pickles , and onions . A bowl of french fries covered in a tomato sauce that was spicy as well as sweet . A large glass of the best tea that she 'd ever drank . She was just finishing off the last fry when June , the cook , asked her if she wanted peach or cherry pie . Hudson nodded . " Well , good for you . I have ice cream too should you want that . I 've not been to the creamery yet , so it won 't be homemade . " Hudson told her that she loved her . " Thank you , child . I 'm so glad to be cooking for the household again . The mister and missus have been away more than at home of late , and I 've missed it . " " You can cook for me whenever I 'm home . " Her face heated up . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know where I 'm going to be living or what the plan is . But this is the best meal I 've had in ages . And fresh pie too ? Well , I could easily kiss you for it . " After she ate both pieces of pie without the ice cream - she didn 't want to seem too piggish - her and Liam went to her truck . It was locked up , but as soon as she opened the door , she could see that someone had cleaned up after her . She asked Liam about it . " I had a friend of mine come over and fix the bent metal . He also put a new handle on for you . Then his wife - she 's the new alpha bitch for the wolf pack that roams our land - she cleaned up the rest for you . I think she was quite impressed with how much storage you have in there . " She told Liam it was necessary when she was gone . " I don 't imagine that it helped that you lost your house . " " He took me for a great many things . But my house was the most painful . " Climbing into the truck , she watched him walk around to the other side and get in . He commented on how roomy it was . " Yes . My dad complained a great deal about how crowded it was for him . And you 're much bigger . But he would have complained about it even if it had his recliner and a big screen television in front of him . " She showed him aroThis entry was posted in amazon , Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Books , Dark Fantasy , erotica , Giveaway , Release Day , Romance , Tigers on May 15 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Jake Forbidden Release Day & Giveaway Jake Winslow 's marriage to the money grubbing shrew is over . Cutting off her funds , and the simple use of the word " no " sends her packing . When he comes home from work and finds his house empty of everything , including food , he feels - liberated . Jake 's grandmother , Jenna , calls her friend and attorney , Forrest Stout , to handle Jake 's messy divorce . She can 't stand Jake 's soon - to - be ex - wife and is leaving nothing to chance . Only the best for her grandson , and the best is Forrest . Forrest is a Were Tiger , and he knows " who " he is . He is an oddity in his paranormal world because he is gay . His kind mate for life , and after a recent disastrous attempt to find companionship , he has given up hope of ever finding his life mate . From the moment Forrest meets Jake for the first time , he knows that Jake is his life mate , and he wants to run in the opposite direction because Jake isn 't gay . To claim and lose a mate would spell disaster for him . How can he ask a straight man - that he wants with every fiber of his being - to conform to his way of life ? He can 't … . His wife had left him . Jake wasn 't sure how he felt about it , but she was gone , that was a sure thing . And she 'd taken everything ; not just her things , but every stick of furniture in the house . He definitely wasn 't unhappy about that . Jake thought his wife had horrific taste in all manners of style . Jake figured that he should have seen it coming ; he 'd been seeing little signs that she wasn 't happy with him . Hell , he wasn 't happy with himself . But he had been trying his best to make her happy . Okay , maybe not happy , but at least make her life with him tolerable . Carol wasn 't really the nicest person in the world , nor did she tolerate fools easily . Well , not at all , and he thought she had it in her head that he was the biggest fool of them all . Jake Winslow had married his high school … Jake wasn 't sure she was his girlfriend or his sweetheart , but he did marry her when he 'd been fresh out of high school . She 'd told him , several times during his senior year , that if he didn 't marry her by the time he left for college , she 'd not be around when he returned . Jake was never sure why he did it - he certainly didn 't love her - but she was the only woman he 'd had sex with . He supposed he 'd been led by his dick , as most men were . His parents had made him marry her . Jake wasn 't sure why that thought had entered his head after all these years , but he knew as surely as he was standing in his empty house that they 'd made him . He hadn 't wanted to , not at all . If she 'd not been there when he returned , then she 'd just be gone . Pressure from his father and whining from his mother had made him do it . He was sure of that . So , fresh from his graduation he asked her to marry him , and of course she 'd said yes . And the week before he left for college , they were married … right there on her parents ' front lawn . His parents had decided not to come to the quick wedding … something about contracts and money to be made . Money ; he knew this was a huge factor in his father 's life . Jake had wishedLeave a reply Dane had no idea who she was . She 'd been shot and couldn 't even remember who she was hiding from . All she did know was she needed help , and when Julian Stanton found her , he took her to his family . Brayden Stanton was just tired of everything . It was time to leave Africa and go home to family . He called his dad to tell him that he was fed up with the job and he was on his way home , and he was bringing a fiancée with him . She wasn 't his mate , but he was going to make it work . He realized his mistake the moment he proposed . Danger comes at every turn . The women in Brayden 's life are surrounded with it . Both are lethal , but one has Brayden 's heart from the beginning . The question is , can the family survive it ? Chapter 1 She sat up , then promptly leaned over and threw up twice . The first time she 'd woken up , her head had hurt so badly she was sure something was stabbing her there . But one touch to her head had her fainting away again . Lying back down , she lay there trying to make the sick feeling in her head go away . Touching it gingerly , she felt the blood there again and the slice along her head , but there wasn 't any memory of how it had gotten there . Nor - and this frightened her more than the head wound did - who or where she was . Jane Doe . That 's what she 'd been referring to herself as since she 'd awoken the second time . It had been dark where she first holed up . Not that the daylight she had now made things any clearer for her . Looking around from her position on the floor , she realized that she might be in some really old building that hadn 't seen a broom or dust rag in a very long time . Slowly she rolled to her back , closing her eyes so she wouldn 't get sick again . " You need help , girl . " She had also started talking to herself , she realized , and wondered if that was new or something she did all the time . Asking herself questions about the things she did know about herself didn 't ring any bells either , but she listed them now . " You 've been shot and wounded . You 're female , and you 're smart enough to know that hiding out was the best course of action for yourself . And you carry a gun . " She wrapped her fingers around the gun that hadn 't left her side since she woke , and found it tucked tightly against her belly . It didn 't feel foreign to her , but like something that she wore as routinely as she did a shirt or socks . There was a holster for it , but the gun hadn 't been in it like it was now . Leather and steel , it had been strapped to her waist with one full magazine . Searching for any kind of identification hadn 't netted her anything . She had found a wound in her leg that had bothered her for a little bit , but not nearly like her head did . As she lay there , she thought of what couLeave a reply Harper Bailey was in way over her head , and the trouble just seemed to keep coming . Her brother - in - law had frozen her personal accounts , and now she was on the run because she wouldn 't do as she was " told . " She had been told to abort the baby . Harper hadn 't wanted the baby she had been forced to carry in the first place , but now that she 'd felt life , she would protect the child with hers . With Grady and Harper together , the dragon grows stronger , and the slayers pick up the pace in their quest for all the pieces of jewelry . Can the McCades stop them before they strike again ? Are any of them safe ? Find out in The McCade Dragon - Grady Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons … . Emma was still on the run … they need her to survive … but Emma trusted no one … Jasmine Tyler was wishing she had never found those earrings in that box of junk she bought at auction . They were so pretty , and the dragons had so much detail , that she simply had to try them on . That was the biggest mistake she 'd ever made . Once they were on they weren 't coming off . And those men in the black SUVs meant business . She 'd hand the earrings over or they 'd kill her . They 'd more than likely kill her anyway even if she could get the damn things off . Now she was on the run with her young son , Gavin , and her ailing granny . A voice in her head that started when she put the earrings on was directing her to find the McCades . The dragon had told Kenton and Jorden McCade that another piece of jewelry had been activated , and the boy that had just come into Jorden 's studio was her son . The dragon didn 't know which brother she was mated to , but she had sent the boy and her granny ahead to keep them safe . Now , another attempt had been made on her life and she was in a hospital an hour away . The cop at the scene had been in on it , and Jasmine found herself in a pickle . She 'd been drugged and there wasn 't a thing she could do about it . Her body hit the floor by her hospital bed and she was looking into the lifeless eyes of her nurse . As soon as Jorden scooped Jasmine up off the floor and her earring touched his skin , he knew that this woman was his . The earring left a brand , marking them both . He couldn 't be happier about finding her , now to convince her to stay was going to be the problem … . The queen , his queen , sat upon her throne and cried . Warrior , the only name he 'd ever been given , moved closer to her , close enough that she could touch him should she wish . He gave her warmth , something that he could tell that she needed in this cold room , even with the hearth overflowing with flames . The jewels , which were as much a part of her as the crown that she wore , glistened in the evening fires . And she wore them like the queen that she was . " We 're to be put out , my friend . Whatever shall I do if I have no home , nor any place to house my people ? They will surely die without food and shelter . " He had no answer for her . Warrior thought she knew this too . But it made him feel good to know that his queen thought of the others in her keep before her own troubles . " He took it all from me . All . And for what , pray ? Because he could ? Because it made him feel like a king ? I made him one , and he has done this to us . He thinks to take this all from me for another woman . Another woman that will have nothing once he tires of her as well . " Warrior looked up at her when she began to pace the large room . Not much remained here now , not like the riches that had been here centuries ago . Once there had been large tapestries , and long tables with bejeweled ornaments upon them . Paintings had adorned the halls , of ancestors that had lived and died to make this castle the strong fortress that it was . Blades had hung along the walls , their nicks and mars in the steel telling their own stories . Riches beyond what any man could have in one lifetime had been abundant , yet the new king , the one that had been chosen for his lady queen , would have more , took more . Or he would kill to get it . Babes had been born here , and as adults they had died in the same bed that they 'd taken their first breath in . This place had bred queens that fought beside their men until death . And now it was in near ruin because of greed . Warrior wanted to help her in some way , but wasn 't sure what he could do . The ring on her finger flashed , the little boy . By separating the jewels like this , no one person would own the dragon , her dragon . " I do not understand how my being magically separated will help your child . I can do more harm as myself than most armies can defeat . " She held her son in her arms now . Her mind , he knew , was seeing beyond what they were looking at now . The gift of sight , even her own demise , was a gift or a curse that she held to herself . Not even her husband , the traitor , knew about it . " Many generations from now my son 's children will have the pieces . And when they do , all the pieces will make you whole again . " They both looked at the sleeping child . " Many will be broken by the curse that I shall put upon these jewels . There will be lives taken , children unborn , until the right generation comes along and makes it work . But when the right family is gathered , when they love harder than any other , there will be riches beyond their wildest dreams . Jewels and long life . There will be dragons again , too . The queen , a queen beyond what I am to you now , will rule you all once again as you darken the skies as you once did . " It took them well into the next day for the magic to work . Warrior watched over her and the small boy as he got weaker ; each part of Warrior that she took to add to the jewels that he 'd forged for her made him less and less . He would not have it any other way , not when she was so determined to give this for her child . When there was nothing left of him but a single spark , as she called it , he felt her tears as they fell upon his back as she sat upon it one last time . " I know that you cannot fly , my friend , but I should like to sit upon your back as I did so many times before . " Caelin was there too , his little body ready to leave the castle and all that he knew when the time came . They both looked at the castle door , the one that was even now splintering with the weight of the monsters on the other side that would kill her . " It is time . " Warrior knew that the child would be safe . His queen had tstill had no idea that he 'd born a son of the queen . She 'd kept the boy safe by not sharing who the child was with anyone but herself and him . " The man that brings me her head on a platter will be rich tonight . I want her and all that she stands for dead . " When he felt himself move , he knew that the king had found him and had picked the piece up . The necklace . The last piece , one that could not be taken away and hidden when his last spark was put inside it . He eyed the man that had fallen a kingdom and wished him dead . ' Tis not his fault he is a fool . Perhaps it is , but he is a bigger fool than I thought him to be if he thinks to win this day . He smiled at the sound of his lady queen 's voice . I had no idea that I 'd join you here . It is very cramped , is it not ? It is . But we are safe here . He will not harm us now . She said nothing and he wanted to turn to her , but knew that he could not move . My lady , he cannot harm us , correct ? Nay , we are beyond his wrath now , but he will try . This day he will present us to his lady wife , his new lover . And when she complains that the necklace is too large for her , he will break us apart . I will no longer be able to speak to you , not until the rest of you is with me . He asked if she had known this before . Nay , I did not . It wasn 't until he touched us that I knew . He now has her belly filled with his child , one that he is as yet unaware of . She laughed then . What have you done , my lady ? She told him that he would have no sons born of him ever again . There would be one born of their union , but he 'd not be of his seed . You have done this ? From here ? Yes . When she moved over his spark , he felt it and was warmed by it . My child will be the only son he has , and he is yet not aware of him . His father will be aware of him one day , when Caelin finds his sire and cuts his head from his body . But for now , Caelin is safe . She told him to sleep and he had no choice in the matter . As his eyes were closing , he saw her then , the lady that would wear him for a time . Warrior hadThis entry was posted in Amazon B & N I Tunes , book , Dark Fantasy , Dragon Series , erotica , Release Day , Romance on January 9 , 2017 by Kathi Barton . Graham Emerson Wolves Release Day ( Final Book In Series ) 12 / 13 / 16 Graham had just finished the construction of his house and was looking for any excuse he could find to stay away from people - that included his large family . But everyone had to eat so a trip to the grocery store was necessary . He didn 't , however , have a mate on his shopping list , but there she stood - injured and panicking . Graham was about as happy as he could be , until three cops came to his property to arrest him and charged him with murder - now the whole family was in an uproar . Graham 's world was crashing around him , he wanted to marry Ramsey , but not like this … . Can they ban together to prove his innocence before it 's too late ? Find out in the final chapter of the Emerson Wolves - Graham . Do you know what you are to me ? She shook her head as he whispered to her . His mouth was doing incredible things to her and she wanted more . Mate ? Youre my mate . Do you know what that means ? Her body seemed to come alive at his words . She struggled to pull from him and he let her go , but he didn 't back off . She moved back from him as far as the wall and tried to get her mind to function again . She was not going to be his mate , not any man 's . You have to go . I won 't bother you anymore if you do the same for me . He moved to within a foot of her and she put up her hands . I don 't want you here . Please , you can 't want me as a mate . I don ' tI 'm not even sure that this isn 't some ploy to get what you want . Or money . Is that it ? ' She looked up at him as he started cursing . Hunter Emerson and his brothers answered the request of a pack looking for a new Alpha and moved to Sommersville . Since they were all Alphas , Hunter didn t have a clue that he was the new Alpha until he arrived . It didn 't sit well with him at all that a woman on pack land held herself in recluse and wouldn 't answer and pledge herself to the new Alpha . What she could be doing there on that big estate with no one around to witness , His mind reeled with the possibilities ? none of them good . Slone Morris had an understanding with the local pack ? leave her alone and she 'd let the pack stay on her land free of charge . It was as simple as that . She didn 't deal well with people . But the new Alpha in town wouldn 't take Fuck off for an answer . Slone 's past threatened to rear its ugly head at every turn . There was one ? someone she thought she trusted ? who didn 't want the past dredged back up . He was determined to stop her at all cost ? Luke Emerson has big shoes to fill . He doesn 't know how to be a Mayor of their small town , but with the help of his assistant , Allen , he is damn sure going to give it a good try . From what little he 's seen of the town government it 's corrupt and he 's bound and determined to do something about it . When they receive a call that Allen 's sister Jack has been critically injured in a fire , Allen falls apart . His sister is all he has left . Luke goes with him to the hospital and as soon as Luke catches her scent , he knows she 's his mate , but the doctor is giving her less than a three percent chance to survive . Can you save her ? Luke looked over at Allen , who was staring at his sister . I know what you are . I mean , I think I know what you are . You can 't live in our town and not hear things . Are you ? Am I what ? Allen looked at him , and Luke felt as if he were staring at his very soul . Neither of them blinked , and when Allen finally looked away , Luke felt as if he 'd been released from a tight hug . You want to know an answer to something , then ask me . I 'm not going to assume anything right now . Luke has two choices : convert her to a wolf , or watch her die . He doesn 't even know her , but he can 't lose his mate he 's just found her . But to convert her without her permission , there could be consequences . Addison Parker is on the run . No matter how fast she runs , or how far she travels she can 't hide from herself , or the gift she 's been cursed with . She can read people 's minds and with a touch can see into their future . That is a secret that she has learned to keep well ? everyone always wanted something from her when they learned what she could do . It 's easier to avoid people all together . Jarrett Emerson is just helping his dad and brother protect an innocent from a perverted wretch . But when a falling brick knocks Addie unconscious , she falls right into Jarrett 's arms . To his surprise he realizes that she is his mate and human … Addie felt stupid standing there like she was and moved to the sink . Jarrett watched her before he reached for a second glass . Addie had no idea why , but she thought he was nervous . " I 'm not going to pounce on you . " As soon as the words left her mouth , she knew that she 'd made a major mistake . He turned so quickly that she backed up and hit her ass on the counter behind her . He didn 't stop there but took the two more steps to have her leaning back to look up at him . " I 'd like nothing more than to have you pounce on me . " His voice was a soft growl that had her thinking all sorts of things that had nothing to do with food . " You 're very beautiful . " " No , I 'm not . " He nodded and halved the distance between them . " You 're too close . I can 't think when you 're this close . " Jarrett doesn 't want her to leave . If she goes , he goes with her . That 's the way it is with mates . But when a corrupt attorney has other ideas , the Emersons have to regroup to protect what they now consider their own … . Dawn Whitfield is on the run , and if her uncle catches her this time she knows he won 't just beat her … he 'll kill her . Her best bet is to keep moving , and at all cost keep hidden . Addie Parker finds the shackled young woman and sets her up in an old house hidden from everything . And that 's where Dawn stays for eight lonely years . Ellis Emerson is in a rut . He can 't seem to do anything right . He thinks he 's found his mate , but can 't get close enough to her to be sure … And that 's a huge distraction that 's turned their construction job from a week ahead of schedule with a huge bonus , to barely three days ahead . And when Addie asks him to assemble a small crew to fix one of her houses , his foreman , Dan , is all for Ellis getting away for a while . Ellis finds his skittish mate hiding away in Addie 's home , but will she let her guard down long enough for him to convince her that their destiny is each other ? Or will her Uncle Basil step in and finally take her prisoner again ? Find out in the next installment of Emerson Wolves ? Ellis . No matter how hard she tried , Kimber Gray always seemed to manage to get knocked back down a peg or two . She was a top rate chef and graduated at the top of her class , but no matter how hard she tried no one would acknowledge it . Now , blackballed in the only profession she knew , she was a failure to the one that mattered most - her daughter , Hannah . With no recourse left to her , she 'd have to grovel and beg her aunt for help . Lee Emerson was glad to be back home for a while . He loved what he did , being a food critic and helping failing restaurants was a dream job come true . But he was tired of the traveling and just wanted to take care of things around the house and relax for a change . Slone , Hunter 's mate , wanted to open a fancy restaurant and have Lee run it . He wasn 't so sure about that , but he 'd love nothing better than to hire that chef that had prepared the last meal he 'd had in France before he left . It was the best meal he 'd ever eaten , and he had been disappointed when he found out the man had left before he could tell him so . The slush claiming to cook the meal , wasn 't the cook and he 'd bet his last dollar on it . Kimber had had it . Her aunt had gone too far this time , and there was no way she 'd expose her little girl to such meanness again . They 'd live on the street first , and she was trying to tell Slone that she wasn 't a charity case . That she could provide for her daughter somehow , when the most gorgeous man she 'd ever seen cornered her , snarling that he 'd protect her with his life . Ah , hell no . Who in the hell did he think he was ? Hello ! My name is Kathi Barton and I 'm a award winning , best selling author of dark fantasy erotic paranormal romance . I have been married to my very best friend Paul , a potter , for at times seems several lifetimes - in a good way , honey . And together we have three wonderful children and then the ones we brought into the world - Paul and Dale Barton , Jason and Wendy Barton and Danielle and Ben Conklin . They have given us eight of the greatest treasures on Earth . They don 't live at home seven days a week ! No , seriously , eight grandchildren - Gavin , Spring , Ben , Trinity , Sarah , Kelly , Kian and Bailee " I tell you , Ram , that daughter of yours is a hoot . I just asked her what she thought of all this , and she said that the money from what was going to be tossed out when this was over could have fed an entire village for a week . " Ram Stockholm looked around the room for his daughter . " When did you speak to her ? I thought her and Chad had left for their honeymoon already . " There was no way his daughter would say that about her own wedding . At least he hoped not . But she was a little stressed out right now . Christ , they 'd spent a fortune on this thing , and to have her upset wasn 't going to happen . Not that his baby girl didn 't deserve it , but to say something like this to William Frank was terrible . " No , no . I meant Ramsey . To tell you the truth , Ram , I had no idea you had another child , much less one as beautiful as she is . But she 's the spitting image of you now that I think on it . " Ram wondered about Ramsey , his youngest child , as William continued . " Like I said , a beautiful little thing , but a mite outspoken . I 'd wondered why you didn 't have her up there with her sister , but I 'm assuming that the two of them don 't get along . " " They don 't . Where did you see her go ? I 'd like to speak to her . " William laughed and pointed to the large open doors at the back of the large room . " Excuse me . " If William answered him , he didn 't hear him . Ramsey wasn 't going to ruin her sisters ' day by complaining about something that was none of her business . But as soon as he stepped out on the deck to talk to her , he stilled . When the hell had she grown up ? The dark blue dress she had on made the paleness of her porcelain skin almost glow . With her hair done up in one of those complicated twists , it gave her neck a gracefulness that would make most men he knew drool . She was tall too , Ram just realized , and rail thin . He cleared his throat before going out all the way . When Ramsey turned his way , Ram thought that he 'd made a mistake … this could not be his child . " Hello , Dad . " RamAs soon as the words left his mouth , he knew that he 'd made a mistake . But the two of them , along with Gregory , their brother , had been fighting since the day that Ramsey was brought home from the hospital , or so it seemed . He just wanted peace and quiet . He never got it when they were all together . And now that he thought about it , he 'd not seen them all together in a good long time . Ramsey had been … well , he had no idea where she 'd been of late . " First of all , I 'm nineteen . Secondly , I didn 't do anything other than to show up here . She seems to think that I 'm going to embarrass her because I 'm not in the wedding party . And people - her kind , she called them - would ask questions . " Ram started to ask her why she wasn 't in the party , but Ramsey spoke again . " She didn 't ask me to be in it , if you were going to ask me . And when I asked her about it , she told me that I would never fit in . Deidra said that she wanted people in her party that were nice and beautiful , something that I 'm certainly not . " " I 'll talk to her . " He would too . He thought this feuding had gone on long enough . " To be honest with you , Ramsey , I almost didn 't know who you were when I came out here . And where have you been hiding yourself ? You look lovely . " " Thanks . " He nodded , then followed her when she moved to sit in one of the chairs that had been brought for people to use . The country club where Deidra 's wedding reception was being held was very accommodating . But he supposed that had to do with his money rather than who he might be . They sat there for several moments before Ramsey spoke again . " I 'm leaving , Dad . " He offered to get her a car to take her home . He asked her to tell the butler that they 'd be along shortly . When she looked at him with the oddest look on her face , he wondered what he 'd said wrong now . He was still trying to get over the fact that she was really nineteen . " I don 't live at home , and I wasn 't planning on going there anyway . I haven 't lived there for somebeen involved in their lives . From the time they were old enough to enter things , sometimes even before that , he and his wife Krista had been there for them . But not Ramsey . He couldn 't remember a single moment , sports event , or even a play that he 'd gone to for his youngest child . " I 've never … I 'm sorry to say , I don 't know any of those things . " He looked away from her knowing face and continued . " I can 't remember one single play that we attended that you were in . Not a game of any sort that you might have been in . Nor do I remember having any sort of graduation party when you got out of school last year . " He looked at her then . " I 'm drawing a blank as to what I got you for your sixteenth birthday . What I got you for your eighteenth or any in - between , and I haven 't the slightest idea what you 've been up to since you got out of school . " " I graduated from high school six years ago . So no , you didn 't have a party for me . I think that Deidra said it would mess up her summer plans with her friends or something like that . I just finished up my last year of college last month , and I 'm nearly done with my master 's degree as well . I moved out when Mom told me to because I was bothering Deidra too much and it was getting on her nerves . That would have been right after I turned seventeen and was nearly finished with college . I work for … . " She stood up and he did as well . " It doesn 't matter now . But I 'm going away . And … I have a job opportunity and I 'm going to take it . " " Going away to where ? And what are you going to do for this company ? " Her laugh hurt him . " Ramsey , I 'm so sorry . I wish I could tell you that I do remember all of this , but I don 't want to lie to you . I feel like this is all my fault . Don 't leave . Please . I 'd like for you to move back home and for us to get to know one another . It 's not too late , is it ? " " You mean because Deidra is gone now , you wouldn 't mind me being there ? " Ram felt as if she 'd stabbed him in the heart . But ifproperly with them . That if she were more like her brother and sister , perhaps they 'd take her to more places . Ram would never forgive himself . ~ ~ ~ Ramsey drove home wondering if she 'd done the right thing . Her original plan had been to simply leave without telling them , but then her dad had come out to talk to her and she 'd told him . It wouldn 't be like them to miss her or anything . In fact , she was pretty sure that not one of them would have given her a second thought . But her dad had hurt her , and she thought that she wanted to hurt him back for a change . Well , she was sure she had , and herself as well . Going into her little house , she thought of the cases that she 'd packed over the last week . She had no idea if she 'd be back here again , but really couldn 't see any reason to return . So what she didn 't put into storage - and she 'd stored very little - had been given away , sold , or just donated to whoever had wanted it . Which again , wasn 't all that much . She 'd sold her house the week before , and had thirty days to leave before the new owners would be taking it . Ramsey had already sold most of her furniture , and all she had left was the bed that she 'd been sleeping in and a single dresser . There were no mementos in the house that she was taking . No pictures of her family because she didn 't have any , and there were no pets in her life . Ramsey had made such a tiny footprint in her life so far , and she was looking forward to making more . Putting all her cameras away except the one that she 'd taken to Deidra 's wedding , she made her way to the darkroom . Her plane didn 't leave until late tomorrow night , but she 'd told her dad differently because she didn 't want him to think they could get together beforehand . Ramsey had meant nothing to them before this , and she saw no reason to try and cram a lifetime of conversations and hugs into her last day . Neither of them would be very comfortable with that , and she was pretty sure it would piss off her mother . The woman had never really likedname when she worked was enough to distance her from her family . " I have a noon opening , and also one at two . Which one can I put you down for ? " " Neither . " He laughed a little on the other end . Ramsey put the mail , mostly credit card applications , in the trash and pulled a paper bowl from the sleeve to have some cereal . " I really have to go , Mr . Carter . I have things to do . " " Wait . This is the job of a lifetime , Miss … can I call you Ramsey ? This is the job of a lifetime . This is a large paper and very prestigious . Think of what doors it could open for you in the long - term . " She didn 't answer him but yawned . " Ramsey , tell me what I need to do to have you come here and work for us . " " There is nothing you can do . I do not want to work for you . I have a job , one that I wanted and worked hard for . I 'm sorry , but you 'll have to find someone else . " She hung up as he was speaking . Then when she was sure that he wasn 't going to be on the other end , she put a block on his number and sent it directly to her voicemail . He 'd more than likely still call and fill up the message box , but for now she was happy . The stupid man worked for her father , as he owned the paper that Mr . Carter thought she should come to work for . And not only that , but the job that he wanted her to take ? She 'd been doing it all the way through college to make ends meet . It had always surprised her that not once in all that time had she ever run across her family . After making sure that everything was turned off in the darkroom , she made her way to her room after eating the last of her cereal . The bed wasn 't made , of course , but she didn 't care . Taking the last of her suitcases off it , Ramsey stripped down and laid out on the messy bed . She was asleep almost immediately . Two hours later she was awake and refreshed . Taking a long hot shower , Ramsey thought of where she might be going . And when she got there , what she was going to do first . Ramsey didn 't have a job to go to like everyone thought . She 'd said that " Why are you doing this ? I thought we cleared things up last night . " She was still standing on her stoop when he came back for the other piece of luggage . " Dad ? What are you really doing here ? " " How about if we have dinner before you go ? I know you have time . We can even eat in the airport if you want . I just … I 'd like to have dinner with you before you go . I don 't deserve this chance , and Lord knows that you have every reason to tell me to go to hell , but I need this , Ramsey . " She asked him why again . " Because I need to connect with you , and will take whatever … . No , that 's not quite right . I do want to be with you tonight , but I also wanted to make sure you knew how serious I was about you calling me . I thought … I hoped that I could convince you that I love you . " " I love you too , but this is unnecessary . Besides , I was just going to grab a burger at the airport , then wait for my flight . Dad , what does Mom think about you being here ? " When he looked away , she knew . " She told you not to come here , didn 't she ? It 's all right , Dad . Whatever she said , I 'm sure she was right . " " She said you were trying for attention . You weren 't going anywhere , but acting out because you weren 't the center of attention at the wedding . I told her she couldn 't have been more wrong . You 've never wanted to be there before . That 's more Deidra 's style , not yours . " He took the box from her and noticed that it had his name on it . " What 's this ? " " I took some pictures at the wedding and thought she 'd want them . Or you might . I don 't care . I don 't even know why I took them other than I wanted to do it . It was just … I don 't understand any of this . " He laughed , and it sounded so sad that she had to brace herself when the pain tore at her heart . " You should go back home before Mom gets upset . " " She already is . And it 's doubtful that she 's going to be in any better mood from now on . " He shut the trunk of his car and turned to her . " Where are you going , Ramsey ? Pparked , he took most of her luggage and she her carry - on things . He had the box of pictures under his arm , and when she asked him about that , he laughed . " I want to see them while you 're here so that I can tell you what a great job you did . " He laughed again when she told him they might be crap . " Nah , I don 't think so . I found out you 're pretty famous with your camera . I mean , you are R . S . Holms , aren 't you ? I had no idea . " " No one does . And I 'd like to keep it that way . " He nodded as they made their way through the line to have her luggage checked . " Those pictures aren 't your normal wedding kind of thing . Most of them are candid shots that I had fun taking . You really might think they 're crap when you see them . " " I highly doubt that . You 're quite famous as a photographer , aren 't you ? The article I read about you , they don 't know who you are , do they ? No one even knows that you 're a female . " She shook her head . " I 'm glad I looked . I almost skipped over the article because it said you weren 't who I was looking for . Why did you change it ? " " My personal life is just that . Personal . And if I put out there that I was who I am , I think any doors that would have opened for me when I started taking pictures would have been because of your last name . This is all mine , not the family 's . " She wondered if she might have hurt him again , but he smiled at her . " I wanted to do this on my own , and I did it . " " You certainly did , and I understand that . " She wasn 't sure he did but said nothing . " While our name means a great deal around the world , you just wanted to make it without my help . I 'm proud of you for that . " " Thank you . " After her luggage was tagged and taken away , they decided to have dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in the place . Ramsey had about three hours before her plane took off , and she wasn 't sure she wanted to sit with her dad while waiting . He seemed to genuinely want to be with her , but she was sure that he 'd get bored after aHe had made his way through about half the pictures when their dinner came . Ramsey had the grilled salmon with grilled scallops on the side , plus a huge baked potato . Her dad , a steak and potatoes man , had ordered a beautiful porterhouse with the same potato with butter and sour cream . No salads for either of them . When he looked at the last picture in the box , she felt herself getting uncomfortable . He stared at the last one for so long that she wanted to ask him what was wrong with it . Her dad looked at her with tears in his eyes and she felt her heart twist . " The only family picture in the world that is half assed . You should have been in this with us . Obviously you were there . Why didn 't you join us ? " She just shook her head and he nodded as if he might know . " Was it your mom or Deidra that told you to step out of the picture ? I have no doubt , after this , that it could have been both of them . " " I understand why she didn 't want me there . It was Deidra 's day , not mine . " That wasn 't really what was said to her , but it was less painfully said her way . " But the picture turned out nicely , didn 't it ? " " It did . I believe that these pictures are going to be much nicer than the ones we paid that man too much money to take . But I want to know . What did your mother say to you , Ramsey ? I need to know . " She didn 't want to tell him . But then she thought what the hell , I 'm leaving and more than likely won 't be back . " Ramsey ? " " She told me it was for the family and not for upstarts like me . I started to point out that I was her daughter too when she … she slapped me . Told me that she wished I 'd not been born . I unbalanced her life . Unbalanced ? How did I … ? I had no say in being born . Why does she say things like that to me ? " She turned away from him to finish . " To be honest with you , it was the deciding factor in my leaving without saying a word to any of you . I don 't know why I even told … yes I do . I wanted to hurt you like you all have hurt me my entire life . That 's the that I want you to use . It 's … well , it 's mine and mine alone . If you can 't get me that way , then use the house phone . But I want you to call me . Weekly if you can . " " I don 't need this , Dad . " He pushed it back at her when she tried to give it back . " Dad , you don 't have to do this for me to call you . I will . " " It 's not why I 'm doing it . I want you to have a backup plan . A way to come home to me if you need me . " She wanted to tell him she needed him years ago , but said nothing . " I wasn 't there for you for nineteen years , Ramsey , but I want to be now . " Nodding , she was moving to the gates when he called her back . This hug she returned , and felt better when they parted ways . Ramsey cried all the way to her first stop , and got off the plane with a heavy and saddened heart .

Jim and I - Friends Until Death : Alain Ronay 's account of Jim 's passing by Alain Ronay December 22 , 2015December 22 , 2015 Jim Morrison and Pamela Courson Love Street Anything and everything has been written about the tragic end of the Doors ' leader . But what really happened on July 3rd twenty years ago , no one has ever told . This is because Alain Ronay , Jim 's photographer friend who was the first to find the rock star in his apartment where he lay in the bathtub without breathing , had always kept quiet . Now , to defend Morrison 's memory , Ronay speaks out . He tells King all the details of that day , from the strange behavior of Pamela , Jim 's girlfriend , to the doctors ' incompetence , to the superficiality of the police in trying to hide the news of his death . He also remembers the happy days spent with Jim in Paris , the anguish of the singer poet , his desire to detoxify from alcohol and keep himself away from heroin . Friday , July 2 , 1971 : Jim and I were taking a walk in the Marais Quarter in Paris . The historic district served ony as a backdrop for our discussions which ranged from the Yoga teacher 's visit ( Jim had asked me to be an interpreter for them - the topic of their discussion : man as a tightrope walker heading towards death ) to analyzing Nietzche 's opinions on suicide . Jim was obsessed by death . Everyone knew this , but rarely did he bring up this topic with me . That morning his words went back to that subject many times . I succeeded in tearing him away from his dark thoughts with Oscar Wilde . Although neither of us had been particularly interested in him , Oscar seemed to lift our spirits considerably . A month earlier , when Jim and Pamela ( Pamela Courson , Morrison 's companion , editor 's note ) came to visit me in London , I reserved a room for them at the Cadogan Hotel near Sloane Square . I told them this was the place where Wilde was arrested . " But , do you realize that Oscar Wilde lived here too ? I said thoughtlessly . There 's even a plaque here near the door . I 'm sure of it . Didn 't you see it ? " My words remained hanging in the air . Jim continued not to answer . What could he say ? My ideas were completely out of place and I felt stupid . Fortunately , a half empty store that faced a very narrow street allowed us to change the subject . A hand - painted sign informed us that we were at the Voix d ' Orphee , but what this was really all about was not very clear to us . Even if Orpheus ' Voice didn 't mean much to me , it seemed however to interest Jim who insisted that I ask in French what went on in there . His mood soared when I told him it was a recording studio . " Hey - It 's almost a good omen , isn 't it ? I can finish my poetry record righthere - that 's exactly what I 'm going to do . I 've no intention of leaving Paris . I 'm happy here . I should get back to the tapes of my poetry that I left at Village Recorders - I bet the bootleggers have already pounced on them , and maybe they 're not fit for release - " The stately houses and historic monuments disappeared when we got to Rue des Rosieres , a very colorful street full of little stores run by the most varied ethnic groups . While Jim was buying a pendant for Pam , I noticed for the first time that he tried to appear happy while I had the distrinct sensation that he wasn 't happy at all . There was an indefinable anxiety in his gestures . I knew him too well . There was something abnormal and wrong with his behavior . Something incredible because Jim Morrison never begged anybody . He said nothing . He tried to take his time , to find excuses for me to stay with him . He was desperate . This , I saw clearly . But why ? I didn 't ask . He would never have explained it . In the past Jim was always successful in keeping his states of anxiety under control , even though I was usually able to pick up on them . However , towards noon there was no longer any need to guess . He was not making any effort to camouflage his strong agitation : he was shaken by a series of very powerful hiccups . We ate in a restaurant specializing in Alsatian food . The fin de siecle decorations exploded in arabesques and art nouveau convolutions . Later in the afternoon we discovered a purveyor of cinematographic rarities , among which were some of Fritz Lang 's films . We stopped in front of the shoemaker 's where Jim had brought his new boots to be made wider . They weren 't ready yet . Every once in awhile the hiccups returned to violently shake Jim 's body . Apart from this his agitation grew worse . His nerves were visibly shaking and the reason for this was still unknown to me . " Don 't go away " - he implored me . There was something abnormal and wrong in all this . Jim never implored , it wasn 't in his makeup . Then he tried to take his time and his tactics were obvious but foreign to his personality . As far as cheering you up and lifting your spirits he is the cleverest person I have ever known . He was desperate . But why ? I never asked him because I knew he would never tell me . First of all he wanted me to read the opening article of Newsweek at all costs . He seemed very serious in asking me to do this but I was already on my way out and I didn 't even look at the magazine cover . It took about half an hour before I managed to walk down the stairs and leave . Jim still tried to keep me with the pretext of a telegram he was supposed to send from the post office a few blocks away . He wanted me to help him with the French . Fortunately , a post office strke helped me in trying to get away , but Jim asked me if he could at least come outside with me . Opposite a cafe - in Place de la Bastille , Jim made his last appeal , - " Come on Alain , stay - Stay at least for a short beer with me , what do you say ? Don 't leave - stay with me . Do it for an old friend . " - Hiccups continually interrupted his pleading . The show of this sudden and unexplainable change confused and upset me , above all when compared to Jim 's behavior during the month just past which he spent with Pam . In that brief period he was happy , calm and free . Paris was good for him . He had gotten rid of the damage produced by fame and had found himself again . He wrote all the time , he went around town and about his business without being recognized and he had almost stopped drinking . He didn 't take drugs yet . Pam 's habit hadn 't yet gotten to him . She led her own independent life in Paris and did not live with him . Therefore , with a few exceptions , Jim and I spent almost the whole month of June alone together . Our days were tranquil and were probably the best we shared . Jim 's repeated invitations to join him in Paris to relive " the good old days " - implied that he fully intended to bury the rock star in him . The promise was kept . The purpose of the Paris vacation was to detoxify Jim of alcohol and for him to forget the anguish that his fame as a rock star had caused . In June of l971 Jim was very creative . He spent a lot of time writing poetry . We went into a cafe on Place de la Bastille . We ordered and I asked the waiter to hurry . Jim suddenly closed his eyes while new waves of hiccups went through him . He was thoroughly concentrated in his efforts to get rid of them . When I looked at him I had the clear sensation that his face had assumed the aspect of a death mask . The feeling disappeared when Jim opened his eyes again . He scrutinized me , and as if waiting for me to lie he asked , " What did you see ? " While we were ordering another round of beers , I realized that I really had to leave and I said to him , " Forgive me but I really have to go . " I rushed out and stopped next to the nearby subway entrance . I turned round to see him one more time . He was in profile and suddenly , as if he felt me looking at him , he turned and stared at me . All this lasted only a few seconds . Then I dashed down the stairs . Agnes was busy looking , however superficially , for a letter in her file . I needed to see her eyes which were hidden behind her black bangs . I wanted to find out if she was indifferent , skeptical or if she was making light of the whole issue to calm me down . " I mean the type of make - up that is applied to people after they 're deceased . Jim had one of these in his book on Francis Bacon . It was a picture of William Blake 's face . He had that book when we were students and lived in my house years ago . " " Don 't even mention such a thing . I don 't want to go back . Let 's go and eat the Seven Spices or whatever the devil they call it . " Early the next morning , ( I was finally resting after a night of insomnia ) , I got up with a start with the sensation that a telephone was ringing . Since I was a guest I never answered . But I wasn 't completely sure that it was the telephone in the wing of the apartment where Agnes slept that was ringing . I hurried across the entrance to the living room where the other telephone was . The line was free . A Calder mobile swung silently above my head while I looked around to find a clock . Light was coming in from the garden . It must have been about 6AM and I went back to bed with tense nerves wondering if the telephone really had rung . When I had awakened for the second time , I was sure I heard the telephone ring . Outside the typical sounds of the market day coud be heard . I heard the thump of the mail that fell through the mail slot in the door . This meant it was 8AM . The mail always arrived punctually . I got to the phone in time to say " Hello " - and hear the Yoga teacher , Monique Godard , excuse herself for calling so early in the morning . She was a nervous woman , smoked like a chimney , always wore very short skirts and was tall and stylish enough to be a model . Everything about her contradicted my knowledge of Yoga . Her ability as a healer had earned her an incredible reputation among her illustrious clients , the most exalted minds of Paris . She had great influence on them and although I entertained serious doubts as to her powers , I had contacted her hoping she would accept Pam as her patient . Nothing that could help Pam could be done soon enough . " I 'm leaving town and I won 't be back before you return to California , " she explained . " If your friend needs my help he must first see a doctor . I want him to have a check - up . You can tell him that . Does he have a history of drugs ? Does he have circulatory problems ? I must know this . " " But I didn 't get in touch with you for Jim 's sake . " I reminded her . It 's for Pam . I thought I made that clear . " Weren 't you aware of this the other day when we were in their apartment ? God , she was in bad shape . " " Who , her ? I would never take her , never . But as far as your friend is concerned , I want him to see a doctor immediately . I feel these things . It could even be too late . Well , I 've got to go . " " Please wait - then you will look after Jim - take care of him . I won 't be here and I 've been worried about him since yesterday . Yes . Thank you . " A few minutes later the phone rang again . It was Pam . She usually spoke in a soft tone of voice , but this time there was a note of fear . " Jim 's unconscious and bleeding . Call an ambulance . You know I don 't speak French . Hurry up . " - Pam was sobbing . Then , she added , " I think he 's dying . " I ran across the garden to the wing where Agnes was and knocked repeatedly at the door . She imediatey awakened . I didn 't know how to use the complicated Parisian phone system and I asked her to do it for me . Agnes grabbed her orange telephone while saying to me , " I don 't know Jim 's address . Write it on this paper - I 'll take you there , meanwhile , leave a message for the maid and Bernardo . Write that I had to go out on an emergency . " I told Agnes not to give Jim 's name , only the apartment number and I ran back across the garden to my room . When I returned Agnes was putting on a long madras dress over her nightgown while she talked on the phone , " She is American . . She doesn 't speak French . Send someone who speaks English - third floor , the door on the right . " In my mind I was already on the way . I was trembling and peeing in my pants out of fright . Pam had always had a penchant for drama , but I felt that this time it would be different . Traffic was at a standstill near the Ile de la Cite , where some students were demonstrating . They took advantage of the situation by trying to explain their reasons for the protest to the motorists . I tried to close the car window in the face of flyers they were trying to stuff into the car , but Agnes talked me out of it saying that it was getting unbearably hot . Then Agnes managed to find a space between two buses that she could pass through with her old Volkswagen and in a flash we arrived on the Right Bank . She passed all the cars along the way weaving through the traffic , losing time only in the little one way streets around the Bastille . I wasn 't able to hold myself back from asking her , " In your opinion can there be a scientific basis to the fact that persistent hiccups are a sign of imminent death ? " " Well he died a few hours later and I never found out if it was a coincidence or not . I didn 't even think of it yesterday . Damn , it only I had . " " You must inquire upstairs . I 'll take you there now . " he answered when Agnes was already on the stairs . The standersby were pushed back and had formed a human barrier on the landing . I questioned their faces to discover if there were any news , but I saw nothing . I had a flashback : While I was coming up to the landing , just last week , Jim let a bundle of firewood fall ( we had just bought wood for the fireplace ) . He was winded and couldn 't get his breath back . He complained staying that he needed the firewood to keep warm , in June . " But do you feel OK ? " I asked him . " Look at me , I 'm ten years older than you and not exactly in such terrific shape , but I 'm not winded either . " The third floor door was flung wide open . I saw Pam standing all alone at the end of the entrance corridor , but I couldn 't see too well because of a group of officials standing in the way . They moved out of the way when I tried to reach Pam who told me that Jim was dead . I felt and thought nothing . A moment of impasse . Stunned as if boredom had assaulted me , I looked around trying to concentrate on something else . My glance fell on Jim 's boots which were standing erect in the other room . The right boot was slightly ahead of the left as in walking . I felt as if I had entered a state of deja - vu made possible by years of rehearsing the same script , a gift of Jim Morrison , rock singer , dramatic actor - friend . I saw Pam go into his room and didn 't trust leaving her alone so I asked Agnes to stay with her . " Do you know where her clothes are ? She 's all wet " , Agnes asked me a few minutes later . I showed her the closet near the entrance close to where an official was standing . When she moved towards the other people I whispered to her , " Don 't tell them who you are or who Jim was . Let me do the talking . If they discover you 're a director they could get suspicious . We must let Jim pass for a normal American citizen . " I heard that they defined me as an American friend of his , in the living - room and I drew close in order to eavesdrop . There was a newly arrived police inspector who had come to find out how Jim was found in the bathtub . He was coming close to the bedroom . " Because I was born in Paris , but I am a naturalized American citizen . Can we get this over with soon ? I 'm a little upset and I would like to . " He would find this out anyway when the medical examiner arrives . " He turned and asked the paramedic to fill out a complete report . The pause gave me time for an idea : Inverting Jim 's two names would have momentarily taken them off the track . For the moment it was all I was able to do . " My friend 's name was Douglas James Morrison . He was American and a poet . . " I waited until he had finished writing , then I added , " He was an alcoholic but he didn 't use drugs . " Even if Jim 's death were to have been described by the medical examiner as that of a young American found dead in his bathtub , the newspapers would have reported the item anyway . And even if Jim 's names had not been reversed , there would have been readers astute enough to decipher the true identity of the deceased in question . His presence in Paris was no secret and this touch of deceitfulness was on the lowest level . " Come on now , Victor Hugo was hardly born with a white beard and Rimbaud didn 't have one when he died . " I exclaimed . " Can we stop for a moment , all of this is making me feel ill - I would like to join my friends for a moment . " " That 's all for now , " he assured me , " and if the district medical examiner makes a satisfactory report , we will be able to issue a death certificate and a burial permit . Otherwise other doctors will be called in to work on the case . " The sign on Jim 's door read , " I 'm sleeping don 't disturb " in Arabic and French . My glance lingered interminably on the door handle , before I decided to give it a half turn to open the door . I didn 't want to see Jim dead . The last time , when I saw him at the cafe - that 's the way I wanted to remember him . ( So that 's the way everything has to end . What a squalid ending . ) Unexpectedly , the last of the policemen left the room where Jim was , leaving the door open . From my line of vision I was able to see his foot well . This last sad sight , framed by the doorway , replaced the memory of the cafe . " I just gave Jim 's name backwards . I mean I put Douglas first , then James . It could put them off the track for a while . Now hurry up and tell me how he died . We won 't be alone much longer . " Methodically tearing the silk threads from the embroidery on her sleeve , Pam began to tell the story . " The other night we can home right after the movie . When we arrived we immediately begain to sniff heroin and Jim began to play his songs . He played all of them , one after another , even The End . Then we went to bed . Jim asked me to give him some more stuff , that 's how it happened that he took much more than me , especially since he 'd taken some on his own during the day . We also did a little on the night before . " " Of course , I 'm the one who keeps it . " Pam said these words in an unexpected singing tone , reaching almost falsetto , only to become normal when she turned to me and said , " Alain , you haven 't seen him yet . My Jim is so beautiful - go , go and see - Go . " " We fell asleep . I didn 't know what time it was when Jim 's heavy breathing woke me up . He was still asleep , but the poor guy had problems in breathing . I tried to wake him up but he didn 't react . I panicked and began to cry and hit him . I hit him hard once , twice , three times - nothing happened . I slapped him a couple of times . Then , he came to , but he didn 't seem much like himself . I was very tired but just the same I was successful in dragging him to the bathtub . " The whistle of the teakettle gave Agnes a momentary pause to run out only to return a few minutes later with a glass and a spoon for Pam . " It 's hot cammomile tea . It will do you good . " I watched Pam sip slowly before asking her , " By the way , who opened the bathtub faucet ? " " I don 't remember . I woke up later in a cold sweat . Jim was not in bed with me . I found him in the bathtub , unconscious . Blood was running down his face , then he had those red marks on the right side of his chest . Suddenly , he began to vomit into the tub . Then , I ran to the kitchen to look for a basin . I went back to him and in the basin I saw little pieces of pineapple that we had for dinner and then blood . I had to empty and wash the basin three times . The third time I noticed a bloodclot . I was so tired and he told me he felt better or something like that , so I went back to bed and fell asleep again . " " What can you tell me ? " , the medical examiner asked me . " That he didn 't even smoke marijuana , not even in LA where joints are as common as cigarettes . And it 's only last night that " - I suddenly stopped talking . My nerves were shattered . I couldn 't even think . " I 'm sorry . " the doctor informed me , " I can 't sign the certificate for natural death . " Agnes reached out to caress her hand and told her that the paramedics had said that Jim had been dead at least an hour before they got there . Pam didn 't answer . She tore yet a few more silk threads from her sleeve and returned to telling the story , " He had such a serene expression . His head was slightly reclining and the water came up to his chest , up to here - he was smiling a little . If it hadn 't been for all that blood , he … . " At that point the telephone rang . But , before Pam grabbed it , Agnes warned her that it could be tapped . Therefore , all our conversations had to be from a public phone . I wondered if it could be the young count with whom Pam had run away at the beginning of the year , leaving Jim in Los Angeles . Pam had never named him directly while I lived with them . Every time she saw her Parisian friends , Jim and I withdrew to the most remote corners of the house until they all left . We never spoke about it and little by little I became convinced that Jim really didn 't care . His attitude was also consistent with his advice to me : he told me not to worry if Pam threatened to commit suicide . Looking back at the whole thing made me shudder . He made a deliberate effort to get away from her and vaguely , paraphrasing a line that he used in one of his concerts , he said , " There are only two choices you can make : each of us had made it . You and I are on the side of life , she is on the side of death . Neither you nor I can do " But Pam has threatened to fill the house up to the ceiling with heroin - the Marseille affair . Did she really do it ? Where could she get the money - from the count ? Tell me . " After buying cigarettes I went back , making my way through the crowd picking up words like " death " and " young " and a word with which the Parisians label their xenophobia , " etranger " , which means foreigner . But I didn 't hear Jim 's name , nor his profession . For the moment the secret had been kept and the need for it to remain so increased when I looked at the greedy faces of the crowd waiting for some cheap thrills . Going back toward the apartment , I saw two youths whose faces were vaguely familiar to me . Their tailors deserved to be spanked . I didn 't like them from the very beginning . I didn 't like anyone who never threw rocks at the police in ' 68 , and they were exactly the type that didn 't . I had hardly closed the door behind me when the two guys rang the bell . The tall one introduced himself as Jean , the short one as Jean - Louis . They asked for Pam . I explained to them that Pam couldn 't see anyone and I advised calling her the next day . My silence was accompanied by some piano exercises . The notes came from the courtyard . I felt as if I were on stage in a play , exactly at the moment when the booing makes them bring the curtain down in a hurry . Agnes appeared stormily as deus ex machina . As his opening line Jean immediately said , " I lived with Pam for six months . " She would have thrown them out right away if Pam hadn 't intervened by calling Jean , telling him to come in . Pam and Jean were sitting on the bed that I had slept on when I lived there . They chatted quietly together . I knocked . " Please go away . " I told him nervously . " Don 't endanger the situation . You mustn 't be here when the medical examiner arrives with the police . Please don 't say anything to anyone . Do it for Pam . Terrible trouble could happen . " On the landing , Jean told me that he was leaving for Marakesh , where he had a house . He would have arranged everything in case Pam had wanted to join them there . In case it should become necessary he would even make his London apartment available . In exchange , I promised to keep him informed of further developments . " I can 't believe she has friends like them . " Agnes said shaking her head and closing the door after them . " They 're drug dealers . " " Why not ? What do you think ? Just because someone 's a count should he win a prize for virtue ? Tell me , do you believe what Pamela goes around saying ? I think that it 's a classic case of the drug addict that casts her own companion in the same role . " Jim 's desk in the other room was wide open until Pam jammed all his papers into it , including a whole bunch of prints of An American Prayer . She locked it ceremoniously and inspected the room , looking for anything that could have something to do with Jim . In her circular movement , her stare cut through me like a laser beam . I realized that she could even have accused me of theft . It would not have been a surprise and considering the stress she was under , who knows what she was capable of doing . I could have considered myself fortunate that she had locked everything up in front of Agnes . While Pam was leaving the room , I looked out the window . The crowd was slowly dissipating . I noticed a plaque to Victorien Sardou affixed to the opposite building . Captured by the imaginary rivalry between the playwright and Jim , I wondered if they would hang a plaque for him too . And how would they have defined him ? Poet or singer ? I would have to go back after a few years to find out - I must stay , I thought . I 'm flipping out . Pam set fire to an envelope to light the fireplace and went out immediately afterwards to get more letters . Upon throwing the second batch of letters on the fire , she put it out . At that moment , I noticed that the letters had her handwriting . I wondered what she had written . I took the Los Angeles poice report , two photocopies yellowed with age . Jim was caught on the balcony of the Hyatt Hotel on Sunset Boulevard . Babe Hill was also involved in the matter and the police found some marijuana . " No , it was Babe 's , " Pam replied , while she picked up some 8mm film from the floor . " Last night we watched all the rolls of film taken on the trip : Granada , Morocco , Corsica . We also sang the sound track for it . What do you call those songs of Jim 's that goes , " run with me " and " let 's run " - You know which ones . " A few letters that Pam was holding in her hand fell to the ground where they came to life lifted by the breeze from the window . They began to circle around the room . Finally , Pam was successful in finding what she was looking for at my feet . I noticed the book and the magazine that I had left there the day before and I explained that Jim had given me the opening article of Newsweek to read ( here copy garbled unable to translate ) I asked permission to take them . Pam answered me and began to clumsily leaf through the pages of the magazines , while I happened to ( glance ) at the cover for the first time . The title Plague of Heroin . What To Do about it . " Come on Pam , take it off . Put it back . You can 't go around confiscating other people 's things . I beg you , don 't do it . You 'll look ridiculous in that in Los Angeles . You 're really in trouble here , can you imagine were the police to suspect you of foul play or homicide ? Put that fuckin ' fur away . Did you hear me ? " The Police Official had a very dry manner and he didn 't offer the least bit of sympathy for the situation in which we had found ourselves . He was completely amazed by the fact that the medical examiner had given us permission to leave the house . " Don 't think that this is a game , " he admonished with a very serious demeanor . " I can 't . I 've decided not to see my friend dead . I don 't want to remember him that way . I beg you , please do it alone . " " Twenty - seven . No , he absolutely did not take drugs , " I replied rapidly . Then I added , " In fact , he didn 't even smoke marijuana , not even in Los Angeles where joints are smoked like cigarettes . No , truly . Absolutely out of the question . . In fact it was only yesterday that he … " - I suddenly stopped talking . My nerves were gone . I was losing control . Why had the doctor spent so little time ? Was the case already closed ? In our favor , or against us ? I just couldn 't get it together . Suddenly , I began to talk again as if I had been forced , " You should know that my friend was very pale the last time I saw him , a few hours before he died . He had hiccups that wouldn 't go away . I wanted to be sure to tell you this . He went to the doctor 's a month ago when he was in London and the doctor said … " The doctor made a vigorous gesture with his hand to stop me . " All right , I understand " he exclaimed , handing me an address and an envelope . " Take this to the municipal building of the fourth arrondissement and go to the Civil Register department . They will give you a death certificiate , " It was lunchtime when we reached the municipal building and the concierge told us to come back around two o ' clock . We went to the closest cafe and ate lunch in silence . I was overcome by a sense of tenderness and my hand reached out to take Pam 's . I felt a strong sense of support for her and I kissed her wonderful red hair . She wiped her eyes and gave me a smile that could knock you out . The atmosphere was strongly perplexing . " Pam , I don 't know how to tell you this . You are Jim 's heir . You have to go on for him . We need you . You 've got to take care of yourself . Don 't do anything foolish . You know what I 'm talking about . You know that I love you . I know it sounds corny , I 'm sorry . " " I have to call my sister , Judy . I want her to run to the Doors ' cutting room to steal the earnings from Friends Party . It 's in the Clear Thoughts Building , opposite Electra . You know she 's just had a baby and she 's poor . I 'll offer her fifty dollars . She 'll do it . After all , she 's my sister . " Since it was Saturday , there was only one woman in the civil register department of the municipal building to take care of this work . It didn 't take her long to examine the contents of the envelope . The reason was simple : the death certificate due to natural causes had been denied . " I 'm giving you ten minutes to return to the place of the deceased , " he told me . He was furious . " Who gave you permission to run around Paris , huh ? " Pam was next to Jim when the police arrived . The chief had no intentions of dismissing the case . His manner was fry and there was not one shred of sympathy for our situation . He was amazed , as was I , that the medical examiner had sent us to the municipal building . The medical examiner of the Arrondissement ( really , an area larger than a district ) would come to make sense of the situation . With sudden inspiration , I ran out of the room ad asked permission to use the bathroom . Once inside , I made sure that nothing was left , despite Pam 's " clean - up operation . " There was not even a speck of the stuff . The chief was inspecting the bathtub . I avoided looking at it and stared straight ahead . " We would like to know when to remove the body , " I said . How horrible , I thought to myself , thinking of the events of a few days earlier , while I was describing the end of a play to Jim , a play for which he didn 't want to stay to see the end . " It was the best part , " I told him . " Bob Wilson constructed the set in such a way that the audience had to stand up and go to it in order to see nude actors strewn here and there , pretending to be dead . In the middle was an old style bathtub in which there was somebody impersonating the David painting , the one about the assassination of Marat … What a scary touch , a ' tableau mourant ' so to speak . " " I don 't want to discuss the body now , " answered the chief , bringing me back to reality . " Moreover , get out of here , I have to do some important work here . Do you think this is a game ? " " Forget about the body , " he said . . " I asked you not to talk to me about it . And , if we have to send it to the police lab for final analysis ? The corpse will remain here until further instructions . The only problem will be the heat of the next few days . " " The only problem - the next few days - What the hell are you talking about ? " I exclaimed , " Listen , you would hardly want to impose cruelty of that kind on madame ? No , never . " During the brief trip to the Quartier de l ' Arsenal police station , I urged Pam to cry , to abandon herself to hysteria , in short , to do whatever she could to prevent herself from answering , thus contradicting whatever I would have said in French . To our advantage was the fact that she was always in a sate of stress . Even if they had tried to read her expressions , they wouldn 't have succeeded . . She knew how to disguise her emotions perfectly well . If only I had been able to do so - The greatest threat was inherent in my face : whatever I was experiencing could be seen immediately . While I was trying to remember what he could have heard of the dialogue between Pam and me of a little while earlier , ( did we say " Jim " by accident ? ) she was giving some dangerously detailed answers . For the moment , she hadn 't yet contradicted my version . But , a certain inconsistency lingered on her whole story , arousing the chief 's suspicions , especially in the part where Jim was throwing up in the bathtub . There was only one place where she could have done it ( strange that she didn 't understand that she would have had to go to the toilet that was separated from the bathtub , and moreover quite far ) . Pam answered , pronouncing the words syllable by syllable . " I used the sink in the bathroom . " Surely , my thoughts were travelling in tandem with those of the chief . The bloodclot and pieces of food should have clogged up the drain . Why would she have used the sink ? I held my breath . Then , something incredible happened . The chief skipped over her answer and asked me to act as interpreter in order to finish sooner . Everything was going smoothly until Pam described the way she had slapped Jim to wake him up . The vehemence that Pam put into her telling of the story , added to the series of emotions she evoked , make the chief reflect . A siren rang out in the silence , while Pam and I avoided looking at each other . Pam , who managed to contain herself all this time , blurted out on the street , " You will no longer speak in a language that I can 't understand , all right ? You could say anything and I wouldn 't understand it . I 'm sorry , but how can I understand you ? I want to know everything you 'll say from now on , every word . . " The new doctor radiated affability . Even his handshake raised my spirits . Once inside , he immediately went toward Jim 's room , only to come out just as quickly , just as the other doctor had done . He examined the bathroom and finally joined us in the dining room . He told us that it was rather strange that a young man should die in the bathtub and added that he was in excellent physical condition , just like someone who was used to playing sports . He was completely off the track . Jim was a loner . He had never joined a sports club - he swam rarely . His excellent physical condition probably derived from the fact that often , during his work , he would fall off stages or throw himself off rooves or out of windows that were part of stage sets . Even though Jim had never been vain , this posthumous complement would surely have pleased him . " Monsieur , what will we do now with Jim 's body ? " I asked . " Forget about the body , I told you . " I told you not to discuss this problem . It 's possible that the police have to subject it to analysis . Therefore , the body is to remain in the ( bedroom ? ? ) ( bathtub ? ? ) , just where it is now . " I observed this vivid , ruddy complexion and I hurried to say what I had not said before , that Jim liked to drink alcoholic beverages . He immediately reassured me , saying that in France , very many people drink . I told him about Jim 's recent experience with doctors : the nighttime call to the doctor from the London hotel because he had breathing problems , the medicines for asthma that were precribed for him by the doctor ( even if it hadn 't been diagnosed ) , the coughing fits that had gone on for the whole preceding month and his difficult recovery period . He smiled to me paternally and said , " We , too , want to resolve this matter . Now , I 'll go to the police station where I 'll write the report . You both look very tense . Rest for half an hour or so , then join me . I will tell them you 're cominglater . " Pam joined us and he said , " Au revoir , madame . I beg you to accept my most sincere condolences . " He shook her hand , then took her wrist to feel her pulse . He made an affirmative gesture with his head to communicate that all was going well . Then , he left . Poor Pam began to cry . Until that moment , nobody had shown her care . This had done her good . " You have no idea of the face you make when you lie . All right , I don 't care . Anyway , I still have some hidden someplace or other . I have to calm down , you see ? It 's so simple . " She had become frenetic and began to run from one room to another , searching at random . I figured that she was looking for her pills , but I couldn 't make sense of the jar she had in her hand . In Jim 's study , she found a fifty franc note and stuck it into the jar . Then , she spotted Jim 's shirt hanging on the door handle and rummaged through the pockets , fishing out a few coins that she put in the jar , while she looked at me triumphantly . When she finished her tour , the jar was still half empty . " In all , I have only two hundred dollars , " she announced . " Usually , I call Los Angeles when we need money . How will I pay for Jim 's cremation ? I 'll ask Agnes - she already offered , even though I 'm not sure I want to go to her house tonight . " " As you know , I don 't have cash on me . But , if they accept credit cards , and I think they do , we can use mine . Do me a favor . Don 't ask Agnes for the money . " " Of course , I trust you , " I told her with little conviction . " Now , it 's nine o ' clock on Saturday morning in America , and the banks will be closed . Let 's see - Oh , shit ! - They 'll be closed until seven o ' clock Tuesday morning , Paris time . You know that Sunday 's the fourth of July , don 't you ? Therefore , the banks are closed also on the next day , aren 't they ? You can consider yourself lucky if you 'll be able to have the money by Wednesday afternoon , For God 's sake ! " Pam had a sudden idea which it up her face , " We can ask Bill Siddons to bring the money here personally . After all , the Doors ' manager must be good for something . I know Bob , the accountant , but he would never send me the money . He doesn 't like me and what 's more , I don 't like him either . Of course , I could also tell him that Jim asked for the money . " " But , do you realize that Jim 's estate will be frozen ? Why don 't you talk to Max Fink , the lawyer , and let him explain to you how things work in cases like this - the legal documents and all the rest ? Jim always trusted him , and we can count on the fact that he will maintain professional ethics of secrecy about Jim 's death . " " I beg you not to speak to anyone except Max . And remember - a minute ago you talked about cremation . Well , don 't even think of it . Here in France , it 's like admitting you know something about a crime . Here , they usually don 't give permission for it and , worse yet , they would request an autopsy . Therefor - forget about it . And if you 're thinking of sending the body to the United States , the law provides for a casket that is to be opened for inspection and other hassles . I know this because I had my father 's body shipped across the ocean in order for it to be buried . " I want to disperse his ashes in a wonderful place . A place he would have loved . I will ask Agnes to show one to me . After all , she 's a director . " " Enough , I beg you - Listen , we 've got to bury him and we 've got to do it in a hurry , before the press gets wind of what is going on . Otherwise , we are in deep shit . By the way , Agnes knows one of the most important big shots of the European press , and I think if she were to ask him , he would keep everything quiet . No , better yet - It just occurred to me that once I took this guy 's wife to a Doors ' concert . I took her backstage and introduced her to Jim who was really nice to her . She adored him . I bet she would help us . Maybe we could be successful in manipulating the press . " " I 'm thinking of Pere Lachaise , the cemetery where Chopin , Delacroix , Piaf and Isadora Duncan are buried . Even Alice B . Toklas is there . You see Pam , in this country , people have respect for artists . Even Jim was really respected . He was not just a rock idol . He would finally have ended up in the Larousse or in the Guide Michelin , not on one of those idiotic maps they sell on Hollywood Boulevard . He wouldn 't even have been part of those guided tours of the stars ' tombs . " " You know , I think perceptions remain in the body after death . So , if they should bury him , Jim would feel the earth falling on top of him . . He would even be able to hear what people were saying around his tomb … " While I was waiting for Pam 's approval , another reason occurred to me for wanting Pere Lachaise . " I have to tell you about something that happened a week ago , " I told her . " Jim and I were walking when all at once he saw a distant hill and pointed it out he asked me to go there . When we arrived , we realized that it was the cemetery , and that it had just been closed . " The rapid unfolding of events didn 't give me time to really think of all the details . For the moment , the only important thing was to give Jim a quiet burial far from the " Big Top . " Meanwhile , the story that Pam had told me was just a story and I couldn 't figure out how much truth there was in it . Maybe she had contributed to Jim 's death . Not only her . There were probably also some other factors . If drugs had killed him , I didn 't want it to be found out . I was ashamed of it and , as I had occasion later to explain to Pam , there was something else : I didn 't want Jim to become a myth to follow . The mystery that we built around Jim 's death , his legend , suited me more than fine . I was behind her and I could see that she was looking at the few photographs of Jim . I looked away from the pathetic inventory of souvenirs … all the memories he and I had shared . I remembered them all very well and began to cry . " Please give me Monsieur Morrison 's passport , " our old friend told us as his welcoming statement . " I must send it to the American Embassy . It 's just a formality . " " We left it in the apartment . I would have to look for it , " I cautioned him . " Do you feel like waiting for me or do you prefer that we bring it there in person ? In any case , the Embassy offices are closed until Tuesday since we 're celebrating Independence Day . Besides which , it 's late . Don 't you have to go home for supper ? " " All right , you can do it yourselves and as a matter of fact , it is late . . I 'll be at your place again tomorrow morning . Try to be there . Until then you can do what you like . " I was surprised by that man 's extraordinary look . Only the little moustache , the walking stick and the oversized shoes were missing for him to become the exact impersonation of Charlie Chaplain . His clothes and hat were just right and his face was exactly the same . " It 's not ice cream " - were his first words . " It 's only ice , dry ice . And it 's not for you - it 's for the corpse " When what 's his name left the room , he handed me his card and said , " I will keep you informed about the schedule of my visits . Let me know how the situation is tomorrow . Believe me , I 'll do my best , but this heat is against us . " Pam seemed exhausted , but her determination made her go on . She insisted that having Jim in the house gave her a feeling of security . She told me that if it were up to her , she would keep it like this forever . On Monday , after some new ice was put in place , we received a phone call from London . Some rumors were circulating , something to do with Marianne Faithfull 's statements , something to do with Jim 's death . Pam , who had answered , said nothing . There was no time to lose . Agnes ' connections with the press would continue to keep the newspapers quiet . Meanwhile , I made an appointment with a well known lawyer , in case unfortunate complications with the police should arise . Luckily , growing pressure forced Pam to make a decision . She gave approval for burial . . To Pere Lachaise 's . Meanwhile , I could no nothing to change her mind - Pam slept with Jim every night . She was stubborn . I hated to imagine the whole scene and the effect this could have had on her . Moreover , another thing happened to complicate matters . She was beginning to get nasty with Agnes , who treated her like a daughter . As far as I was concerned , Agnes was of immeasurable help . " Remember , " I said to Pam , " Agnes hardly knew Jim - They never saw each other alone and she has always been very correct . Do you remember when Jim told you that Agnes would probably be your only friend in Paris if something difficult should come up . What a prophecy … " The Bigot Funeral Parlor , located on the street next to Notre Dame , was so close to the great cathedral that it could almost be taken as a part of it . Even if this very crowded place seemed to be the same age as its venerable neighbor , it certainly didn 't make it seem any better . The cathedral 's shadow made it a dark place - and what 's more there was a single low wattage light bulb in use . It all suited my mood which was particularly black at that moment . Monsieur Guizard , the owner , quickly took care of the formalities with highly professional expertise . At this point , I 'd come to believe that he took care of everything there was to do there , when his assistant arrived . His appearance , his broken nails , led me to suspect that he personally took care of the burial work . He had a map of the cemetery so that he could choose the location for the tomb . " Everybody wants to be buried at Pere Lachaise 's . There 's hardly any room left . What was your friend ? A writer , wasn 't he ? " " Ah , in that case , we are in luck . Believe it or not , there is still room in Division 89 , where another famous American writer is buried . His name is Oscar Wilde . Do you know him ? " The year in which I made my only visit to Pere Lachaise 's , I passed by the hotel on Rue des Beaux Arts . For the first time , I read the commemorative plaque on the side of the main entrance . It says , more or less : " In his hotel , Oscar Wilde , the English poet and playwright died on … . "

Last night , I had fish and chips for the first time . I am amazed at how much fish I eat now - - LOL . Both of us have been craving chips ( fries ) and we decided to go pick up something for supper . We could have gone in one direction and gotten to Kebab King . Not sure whether that is some kind of chain or not . In the other direction , there was Supermacs , which is a chain - - they are all over the place - - or we could go just a few steps further across the street and go to Rosie 's Takeaway , which I think isn 't a chain . We opted for the latter . The first day we were in town I told Bill we should go there sometime and try the fish and chips ( there 's a big banner on the wall outside announcing the availability of traditional fish and chips ) . We went in and both of decided that we would get that . It 's a small little place with a few tables for eating in , but we chose takeaway . They have burgers , various sorts of fried chicken - - like tenders and sandwiches and wraps made out of them . They also have what are called " chicken burgers . " If I had not already spent some time investigating what is on offer at the local grocery stores , I might have thought that this was a burger made with ground chicken . I knew , though , that a chicken burger is what I call a chicken patty . It 's a fried , breaded chicken patty on a bun . Interestingly , the chips ( fries ) here seem to commonly be available with various kinds of sauces or toppings . You can get different flavors on the side - - the flavors seem to be the same everywhere - - taco , garlic , curry , among others . We didn 't get any sauces . We both briefly pondered onion rings as well and thought they sounded good , but figured that since we are not used to eating fried food , we might want to skip them this time . That was wise , because we each got a box that contained a lot of food . I was surprised at how big the piece of fish was and there was an ample portion of chips to go with it ! Bill got his sprinkled with salt and vinegar . There were packets of ketchup , malt vinegar , and tartar sauce available as well . I wouldn 't want to eat this way all the time , but I was hungry and it was really good ! Both of us agreed that we would go back there again . The food was tasty , reasonably priced ( it was 6 . 20 euro for each meal ) , and still very hot when we got home . It fed a craving . The place is conveniently located . I told Bill that maybe next time we could split an order of fish and chips and then have room for some onion rings , too . Next time will not be for a while , I am sure ! This is the second time we have been out to eat since we arrived 8 weeks ago and the first time was the day we arrived . Still , it 's nice to know that the place is there for when the craving for chips comes back ! ! I learned after supper that it was National Fish and Chips Day - - who knew ? Today we went to Tesco and I bought the only slow cooker I have seen here . It 's 3 litres , so it 's small . I hesitated for weeks before buying it because I felt a larger one might be better . I had a 4 - quart and a 7 - quart in Maine and I used the larger one the most . These are simply not popular here , though , and I did not have anything else to choose ! I could have my pick of deep fat fryers - - they are everywhere . I do not think I have ever seen as wide a selection of fryers anywhere , but not so for slow cookers . I finally decided that I should just get it . It 's small , but I was cooking for 3 adults in Maine and I planned leftovers . There are two of us now , so this one will be fine for chicken , dried beans , and stuff like that . It will also be easier to pack up and take with us . Besides , my oven is crap and I needed some other way to cook bone - in chicken pieces and whole chickens ! ! The owner 's manual for the oven suggests cooking chicken thighs for 2 hours and salmon for half an hour ! ! ! I don 't think so . Now I can just cook stuff in the slow cookPosted by The other day , we headed out to see if we could find the ruins of Cranmore House . It took us all of about three minutes to do it . They are right down the street from us , but behind iron gates and set back a bit , so although we 'd walked past them many times , we 'd never noticed . That was quicker than expected , and since we were heading in that direction anyway , we kept going to Bower 's Lane and onto Bower 's Walk again . We walked to the end , coming across another Celtic snail hanging out on a stone wall along the way , and I decided to try and figure out where I was , so I went up the stairs , opened the gate and was on the narrow road . I looked to my right and told Bill that we were a few yards from where we 'd been last week , when we took a road until the sidewalk ended . Had we gone a little further on that day , we would have discovered the gate and been able to walk home via the path by the river instead of turning around and going back the way we 'd come ! Since the sidewalk was not that far away , and traffic did not seem heavy just then , we planned to walk back that way . Just before we got back to the town limits , though , I decided to head off in another direction . I took a fork in the road and started down it to see how far it would go . Turned out that the sidewalk ended fairly quickly , but the road had a decent grassy shoulder and it looked like there wouldn 't be much traffic , so we kept going . We came to this section of road and it looked so fairy tale - like with the bend in the road and the tall trees on either side , flanking the dark , unknown walkway beneath . It was sunny and warm , but when we got inside the " tunnel " it was cool and smelled of pine . We came out the other side and plodded along until we came to some farmland , houses , and the ever - present fields enclosed by stone walls . We passed a field with a horse and baby - - and little horse seemed quite spooked by the weird people walking past . We passed a field with a bunch of small cows , who started mooing to announce our arrival . This got thOn our way back down the road , a dog rushed out of a yard to greet us , and the dog 's person greeted us by asking if we were on holiday . I told him we 'd moved to town last month and we were walking down the road to see where it led . He asked if we 'd gone all the way to the end and we said we hadn 't . Then he said the words I was hoping to hear , " It 'll lead all the way to the lake , if you keep going . Go to the end , go through the gates , take the path through the forest , and you 'll be at the lake . " I 'd had no luck at all searching online for a way to walk to the lake , but there 's a big map down the street from our apartment that indicates that there should be a way along a county road - - it shows a walker icon and then further down a hiker icon . " This may be that , " I thought . Bill asked how far it was and the guy said about 2 miles . Who knows whether that 's right - - I still can 't find any information on this route anywhere . But one day soon , we will fill our water bottles and pack up our backpacks with those , some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , fruit and whatever else we might want and head in the direction of the lake . We can go through downtown or we can walk along the river to get to the fork in the road . Then we 'll head back down the road and keep going this time , so see if we can find that lake ! I haven 't paid much attention to the price of gas in a long time . I stopped driving and started walking a decade ago and while we kept our trusty old truck during that time , when prices were at their highest 6 or 7 years ago , we had it parked and off the road . We deliberately took it off the road for a couple of years and started walking everywhere . At that time , we 'd walk to the grocery store which also sold gas , and be glad that we weren 't driving . Since then , I simply haven 't noticed . Yesterday we were walking around and passed the gas station at the edge of town . For some reason , I noticed the sign that announced the price of gas at 1 . 57 . 9 euro per litre . I did a rough calculation in my head of 4ish litres to a gallon , so around 6ish euro per gallon . It was only later that it dawned on me that , when converted to US dollars , the price worked out to slightly less than $ 9 per gallon . I did laundry this morning and hung it outside on the line . The wind is whistling and the skies are darkening - - I am watching for raindrops so I can run out and grab it if I have to . I can let it finish drying on the rack indoors , but at least it got outside for a while anyway - - I love the smell of the fresh air in the clean clothes ! There are fields enclosed by stone walls and containing grazing sheep all over the place around here . What is not found all over the place here is yarn made from the wool of those sheep . And I have found that yarn is called " wool " here , no matter the fibre content . This is an unimportant factoid , but it irks me just the same ! The funny thing is that I never think of sheep as a potential food source , which is , I suppose , what these sheep are . I seem to remember that my mother used to make lamb burgers when I was a kid , but as I recall , they came in a package already formed into patties and had chopped parsley sprinkled on top . She may have made leg of lamb or lamb roasts once in a while , but I simply don 't remember . Bill hates lamb and the smell of lamb , so it was never anything that I bought or prepared until we agreed to try some ground lamb from the farm where we were part of the CSA in Maine . I am sure I cooked it badly , but neither of us cared for it , so we agreed not to get it again . Lamb 's a big thing here and there are even packaged lamb - based meals to buy in the grocery stores . The sprinkles started , so I rushed out and brought in the laundry . Now it 's getting brighter . Sigh . I have to learn how to read the sky so I know when there will be sprinkles and when there will be a downpour . Oh well , it 's still my kind of day - - windy , grey , and pretty chilly for the end of May ! We have been in Ireland for 7 weeks today and in our apartment for 6 . Getting darker again - - the greens and other colors outside are so vivid ! Have a great weekend ! Just about four weeks ago , Bill called Eircom and started the process of getting home internet access . At that time , he was told it would take 5 - 10 working days . After taking into consideration the weekends and bank holidays , we are now on working day 18 with no modem . Bill is getting as tired as I am of going to the library for internet , so yesterday while we were there , he went to the Eircom website and began a live chat with Anthony . He explained to Anthony that he had not yet received a modem or any other communication beyond the letter we got a couple of weeks ago telling us how " delighted " Eircom was to welcome us . Anthony felt the best thing to do would be to transfer their little chat session to a different department , but alas , everyone there must 've been at lunch , because there was no one to chat with . Anthony did give Bill a phone number to call later . Later on , Bill took the phone and went into the bedroom - - probably so he would not have to look at me while he conversed with the Eircom person . I have expressed my thoughts quite clearly on this whole situation and if it was up to me , Eircom would not be a part of our lives at all . The only reason I have not simply gone out and bought some kind of pay - as - you - go device is because I figured as soon as I did that , the modem would arrive and we 'd have wasted a bunch of money . I needn 't have worried . As I sat here in the living room and heard Bill finally connect with a live person and explain the situation , I listened to him say , " You mean no one has worked on it since ? " Pause . " How come ? " he asked , " Do you know ? " According to Bill , the reply was , " No , I don 't . I 'm sorry . " I am unsure why Bill did not cancel the work order at this point , but he opted not to do so . I am told we should have the modem in a couple of days . I do not know whether this is " working days " and now we can also wonder what exactly constitutes a " working day " at Eircom . Considering that it has now been 27 days since the original contact was made , and On a happier note , we stopped in at An Post ( the post office ) yesterday morning to pick up a package . The slip had been left in our box the day before . It was a book that Bill was thrilled to have once again . When we were making decisions about what to bring with us , struggling with weight limits , and being constrained by the size of a couple of our suitcases , he reluctantly made the decision to put a book that he really loved on the donation pile . It 's a book of Frank Hurley 's photos taken on one of the Shackleton expeditions to Antarctica . It 's a beautiful book , but one that is large and heavy - - it weighs 6 pounds . He decided to donate that one so he 'd have room for several others . He found a copy on ebay last week . It was priced low and shipping wasn 't much , either . It was coming from the UK . So he bought it and it came yesterday . It was fun watching him with it - - he was so happy to have the book back . It was one of those situations that turned out perfectly all around . The wonderful library in Brunswick will either add his old book to their collection or sell it at the upcoming annual book sale ( which should have quite a lot of former Burke books ! ) . Bill has his book back and did not have to haul it around with him - - that dash through Heathrow would have been that much more difficult had he been carrying this large and heavy book . He was technically over the weight limit for his carry - ons anyway ( I probably was , too ) and he was lugging a large backpack and a Chico bag with stuff in it - - including another big photography book . This one is even more cumbersome than the one he carried , so it was much easier to pick it up at the post office , put it in his smaller backpack , and leisurely walk home with it : - ) It was bright and sunny when we got up Friday morning , and since we had nothing in particular we had to do that day , we had breakfast , filled the Klean Kanteens , packed the backpacks with our water , peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , and fruit and headed out to the river . There are a few different ways we can get there , but on this day we walked down the sidewalk alongside the road on which we rode into town . There 's a big map there that I never paid much attention to before , but I stopped to look this time . I was hoping that if we took the river path we might get all the way to Lough Mask , which doesn 't look like it 's that far away . This map showed various recreational activities available in the area with a big " you are here " by the dot representing Ballinrobe and there was the river with a little walker icon right near the Ballinrobe dot and then another one near the lake . I was hopeful as we continued on our way . We got to the walkway we 'd found before , went down to the path and went left . Before long we came to a spot where the water was falling over some rocks - - such a great sound ! Then we came to some ruins , which seem like they are never very far away here . I examined the bridge above and the surrounding area and thought we could probably walk over the bridge and be right there , and made a note to do that sometime . We walked on and passed many other walkers , some with their dogs . There are several benches and even a bench or two with tables along the path . We crossed a bridge and came to a spot where the water had been used to power a mill . We saw sheep and horses in fields on the other side of the river and lots of cows hanging out near the fences along the path . After about an hour of walking , we came to a set of steps , at the top of which was a gate leading out to the very narrow road . It was the end of the line . I wanted to see if the path picked up somewhere on the other side of the road , so I waited until I could not see or hear any cars coming . The road is a typical rural Irish road - - narrWhen I spotted an opening , I dashed across the road to the other side of the bridge and looked in vain for a pathway beside the river . I was a little bit bummed . There seemed to be nothing else to do but turn around . I might have started walking down the road to see what I could see , but I didn 't see any sidewalks and Bill was urging me to come back , saying it sounded like there was a car coming . We started back the way we 'd come and shortly encountered an older guy walking with a younger one . I asked the guy if the path continued on anywhere past the road and he told me it didn 't but that if I kept going and went over a bridge and under a couple of others , I would find myself right back in town ! He was very helpful , as almost everyone is - - they assume we 're tourists . In a way , we are ! I was disappointed that we didn 't get to the lake , but really happy that we 'd found the walkway , which , I learned later after consulting our new book Ballinrobe : Aspects of a Visual History , is called Bower 's Walk . I can see myself packing the backpack with lunch , water , a book , a crochet project and paper and pen and spending hours by the river walking for a bit and then finding a bench on which to settle back and hang out . On our walk to the end , we 'd noticed some gates and pathways in a few places along the way . On the way back , I decided to see where they led . The first path brought us to a residential area . There were houses along the road that were occupied , but right in the middle of this area , in what was probably a field a decade ago , was a cluster of new homes - - all of them looked empty . We walked further toward the main road and then saw the abbey ruins in the background , so we knew where we were and we turned back toward the river . When we got back to the cavalry barracks ruins , we walked under the bridge and found the steps built into the rock wall . We went up those and up the path , where we came to the town green - - there 's a playground for the kids , a sports field , a clubhouse , and a walking / jogging path around the field . I turned left and headed for the bridge to the ruins . There was a gate that kept us out of the fields surrounding the ruins , but we could stand there on the bridge and look at everything - - the ruins , the stone walls , the sheep , and the river below . The wind was blowing , the sheep were bleating , and the birds were talking . I felt so peaceful standing there . We stayed there for quite a while , just taking it all in and eating our lunches . On the way home , we stopped to look at the map again . As we were looking , this guy came up , asked if we were tourists , and then suggested we drive down to Cong and walk the loop there . It 's a new trail , he said , built as part of a government scheme ( I always find this terrible amusing - - there are no government " programs " here , rather there are " schemes . " After all I have read about the way things operate here , the word " scheme " with its connotations of something slightly underhanded and manipulative , seems entirely appropriate ! ! ) . We smiled and thanked him . I decided to make a list of things I wanted to look up the following day at the library . I looked for information on walking trails in or near Ballinrobe and found that there is one in Neale that would be possible - - we could walk to Neale in an hour , do the walk , and come home . But that would require us to try and walk along one of those narrow curving roads - - not only without shoulders , but sometimes with a stone wall right up against the road . Probably not a smart thing to do . I looked up Ballinrobe to Lough Mask and the directions have someone driving up the road and around the lake to the other side ! I tried " walking trail from Ballinrobe to Lough Mask " but all that came up was the Bower 's Walk . I gave up on that and tried to find a book about walking trails in Ireland , but met with failure again . By then my computer battery was almost dead , so I gave up . I decided that the map in town showed the little walker icon twice - - once near town and once near the spot where the river meets the lake - - because there 's a path in town and possibly a path closer to the lake , but nothing in between . Oh well . I will enjoy what I 've got ! We got home from the library on Saturday just before the rain started . It was a lovely , rainy , blustery day on Sunday , too - - another great day of hanging out spending hours with the newspaper and reading a novel . On Sunday night I listened to a documentary that consisted of elders talking about their childhoods and then a Posted by Story 1 : The new water charges are all over the news . People blockaded to stop water meters from being installed in various parts of the country . Politicians have been negotiating to come up with final numbers about what the charge will be and what exemptions will be available . People are angry all over the country about this , but some people are more angry than others because they have boil notices and apparently have for a while . It 's an ongoing situation . In Europe . In 2014 . Amazing . The water charge issue was being discussed on the radio while Bill and I were waiting in the doctor 's office so he could have his blood test . The conversation went something like this : Host 1 : " What if people can 't pay ? " Host 2 : " Water is a fundamental human right , so it has to be provided , but they will lower the water pressure . People would turn on the tap and just get a trickle . Maybe they would get so annoyed that they 'd pay the bill . " I am unsure how you would lower the water pressure any more and still have flowing water . It 's pretty bad already . And it does boggle the mind - - the idea that water is a fundamental human right , so we 'll give it to you regardless of ability to pay , even if you have to collect it drop by drop . Story 2 : There was a school in Kilkenny that was completed in 2007 . It was state - of - the - art at that time with smart classrooms , including white boards connected to the Internet , laptops , and other fabulous electronics . Teachers were expected to use various online materials in the classroom . The problem ? The Internet connection was slower than what you would get in the Democratic Republic of Congo . Videos would start , buffer for up to half an hour , and then start again . One kid could be online at a time , if they were lucky . In Europe . In 2014 . Teachers and students alike were frustrated . Teachers were concerned that their kids would be behind when they moved up to higher levels and were sharing classrooms with kids from other areas that had access to these resources . A company went in over the Easter holiday break and fixed things up for them , so now everything works at what seems like lightning speed . The teachers are happy . The kids are happy . Story 3 : There 's a town called Arklow , south of Dublin on the east coast of the country that has been waiting for their water treatment plant for 15 years . That means that all during the Celtic Tiger years , this was a planned project and it never got done . From what I have read , not much of anything got done during those years , except the enrichment of a few individuals . For the very first time in the country 's history , they were not poor and could have used their wealth for the betterment of everyone by updating aging infrastructure and building things that would have been a benefit to the community . Instead , greedy people took as much as they could while government and banking officials drove the country off a cliff . Meanwhile , near Arklow , raw sewage is still being dumped into the river . In Europe . In 2014 . Story 4 : Eurovision is apparently a big thing in these parts and has been around for decades . I had heard of Eurovision in passing - - probably from the BBC or something . I was vaguely aware that it was a song contest . Last week I learned that it has been around since tPosted by Monday , May 12 , 2014I find that I am starting to really look forward to and enjoy Sundays . It is nice to get up knowing that there 's nowhere in particular we have to go or anything in particular that we have to do . For the past couple of Sundays , we 've spent hours reading the paper and then books , drinking coffee , and in the evening , listening to the radio ( me ) or watching a DVD ( Bill ) . This Sunday , we also spent a few minutes looking at the view from the sitting room window . This morning we walked over to the Country Market on Main St to get a 10 kg bag of red potatoes , which are called " rooster potatoes " here . We were the only customers in the place and the guy greeted us with a " Hello ! Nice soft day today , isn 't it ? " I have no idea what a soft day is , but I nodded and agreed with him . I made a comment about there being something for everyone - - rain one minute and sunshine the next . He declared that everyone had had enough rain by now . He was wrong , but I didn 't contradict him . I quite enjoy the fact that there 's a bit of grey sky and at least some sprinkles most days . Rather than carry the bag of potatoes to the counter to pay , I said , " I 'll take a bag of these . " He replied , " OK , a bag of roosters , then . " Of course the image that sprang into my head was of someone trying to stuff a bunch of roosters into a bag . I paid him without laughing at that image , got the potatoes into my big backpack and off we went . I 've mentioned that on weather reports they often predict " fresh " winds . Apparently , in addition to the possibility of winds being fresh and days being soft , days can also be fresh . We met our neighbor across the deck coming up the stairs last week and when we got to the top of the stairs she said , " Lovely , fresh day , isn 't it ? " Yup . She also told Bill and me at separate times to be sure to go and hang out on the deck on fine days . I am quite enjoying learning the ways the same language is used differently : - ) We took a nice long walk today after coming home , dropping off the potatoes , and having some lunch . We started to head toward the road we came into town on when I had to stop and recover from my distress at seeing the unfortunate abundance of apostrophes on the sign for the restaurant - - LOL . I never understand why no one proofreads such things before they give the final approval for the sign to be printed . Happily for them , the large sign they have attached to the wall of the building and which says exactly the same thing , does not contain such mistakes . After that unhappy interlude , we walked on until the sidewalk ran out and then we took a right because there was still sidewalk on that road - - at least for a while . It was amazing how quiet things seemed just a kilometre from the town center . We walked a little bit further once the sidewalk ended , but the road was curved and there was no shoulder , so no safe place to walk with the cars zooming around like they do . Almost everyday brings another report on the radio about someone who has died in a traffic accident of some sort - - often people run right into walls . Sometimes it 's pedestrians or bicyclisIt seems we have a 4th address ! We got mail last week and again today with an extra line on the address that we hadn 't seen before . So we are up to 4 possible variations now that we know can be used - - one street or another or various combinations . No sign of any Internet connection here and we move into working day 12 of our 5 - 10 working day wait . I suggested to Bill that we tell Eircom to forget it and go look into pay - as - you - go smartphones that will allow us to do basic web stuff . We can go to the library for other things . We have had enough anecdotal evidence to tell us that we can assume that even if service is ever available at home , it will be unreliable . The idea of paying for it and essentially rewarding the company for crappy service bugs me a lot . I just finished a book in which the author mentioned an ad run by the Fine Gael party during the elections in ( I think ) 2002 . In the ad they said the Celtic Tiger should more appropriately be named the Celtic Snail . I can attest to the fact that the Celtic Snail is alive and well ! ! It 's a little scary - - we actually got stuff done yesterday . Not started , not " we 've done what we can do and now we wait , " but actually finished ! Yay ! After calling the doctor 's office several times and getting a busy signal or no answer , Bill tried again this morning . This time there was a live person on the other end who gave him an appointment for noonish today . It was like , " Wait . Wait . Wait . NOW ! " So off to the office we went . We sat in the waiting room until it was Bill 's turn and he went into the surgery ( examination room ) while I went to wait outside . It was getting stuffy in there and there was some crappy music blaring from the radio . I leaned against the stone wall , took the book out of my backpack and read in the fresh air . Bill was only in there for about 10 minutes , but in that time , the sky went from grey , to bright , to black . It was nice and breezy and it misted for a few minutes . The INR test is done using a machine right in the doctor 's office with the results available immediately . In Maine , he went to the lab at the hospital and the results were sent to the nurse in the doctor 's office , who called him with the results . There are other differences here - - Bill got a booklet to keep track of his readings and dosage . He 'd been keeping his own in a document on his computer anyway , but this makes it easier to bring in when going for a test , I guess . The doctor also said that the medication is called by different names here and the available dosages are different . This is not something we have to worry about now , since he got all his refills before he left , so has a supply for now . He was in range , so all was well and now we have some time before the next test is supposed to happen . Glad this one 's done ! Yay ! We received the paperwork regarding Bill 's social security info update from the embassy day before yesterday . The guy had filled out practically everything and all Bill had to to was add a few numbers , sign and date . We mailed that back today . Another task completed ! Yay ! We sOver the weekend , I listened to stuff on RTE Radio 1 and a few of the shows were funded with the TV license fee . It seems amusing that the TV fee goes to fund radio shows , but it 's OK with me ! From what I can tell , they 've been cracking down on people who do not pay their TV license fee , which can be done at the post office . They even send inspectors around to check on homes where people have not paid the fee to see whether there 's a TV . The previous tenant left his letter behind . The TV inspector is welcome here anytime for a cup of tea and a look around - - LOL . I have turned the TV stand that was here sideways and am using it as an end table ( or side table as they call it here ) next to the couch . It 's covered with doilies . I haven 't listened to as much radio this week as I have been because some stuff isn 't on and I am not interested in the book they 're doing this week . I did listen to the arts show on Monday night . They were talking about a biennial exhibit in Limerick and it was mentioned a few times that it 's good that it 's in Limerick and not Dublin . I had to laugh - - it 's just like the kind of thing we 'd hear about Anchorage when we lived in Fairbanks and Portland when we lived in Klamath Falls . Those big cities get everything - - LOLHave a great weekend ! Before we started selling some stuff , giving away a bunch more , and packing up the little bit that was left , we started looking on Daft . ie for possible places to rent in Ireland . For no particular reason , except that it felt right , I knew that I wanted to stay in the west of Ireland , and Bill 's grandparents were from there , we narrowed things down to Galway and environs . Bill started looking at listings on Christmas Day . I was trying to not think about what was coming - - I generally like being in a new place , but not the prep work required to get there . We had just found out a few days earlier that the company Bill was working for would probably be sold and at that point , we had no idea what our timetable would be beyond the last day of work for the old company , which would be February 11 . I wanted to forget the uncertainty until after the holidays , but as always , Bill was eager to do something to get the process rolling , so Daft . ie it was . He looked at a bunch of listings and we had no clue where they were , so there was googling and looking at the map we had on the wall in the bedroom trying to get some sense of things - - especially whether a place was on a bus route ! Thus began his regular visits to the site and he started his " saved listings " list , which changed as some listings were not renewed , a few were rented , we removed some and added others . Sometime in February or March , he added County Mayo to the search and discovered that there were nicer places available for less money there . Since it didn 't matter to us , we kept Counties Mayo and Galway in the search and places from each in the saved listings . When we got to within a week of our departure , we contacted a couple of people about their listings . These were individuals and not letting agents . We thought we might be able to set up appointments to look at the places they had available ( and had had available for some time , because the site tells you how long a place has been listed and what the price history is ) and plan our days accordingly . No one rAt the end of the day , we discovered that we had several listings in Ballinrobe and a couple of nearby towns and all of them were listed by the same agent . We looked into Ballinrobe . At this point , our requirements were few - - decent grocery store , bus service , and small apartment / house / whatever . Ballinrobe had those things , so we decided that the best thing would be to call the letting agent on Monday morning and go from there . We would try to make an appointment to meet with her and look at places . Because we were not fussy , we figured one of them would be adequate . The point was to find a place where we could unpack the suitcases , have an address , get stuff done , like bank account , social security change of address , and all that kind of stuff , and then start hopping on a bus to various places so we could see what other places are like . At first we wanted to rush out and adopt 4 - legged - furry people from the nearest shelter , so we were looking at places where they were allowed , but Bill said maybe we should wait until we were more settled and I agreed . That turned out to be the right call . Anyway , the agent called us back on the Monday and we spent the day playing phone tag , but at the end of the day , we had an appointment for the following afternoon . We had little time because we had to catch the bus back to Galway , but we looked at a couple of places , chose this one , filled out the application , gave her a deposit , and left . It all took about half an hour . Had she not called us back , we had other agents with multiple listings to call in other towns . The point was that our week in the BnB was up that Thursday and while I loved the place , was quite comfortable there , and would 've gladly paid up for another week , I knew that from a cost - effectiveness standpoint , rent would be better . Plus we could get going on all of those practical life details if we had an address . When I called the agent and left her a message , I came right out and said that we wanted to rent something quickly and we were quite sure that one ofWe know that we will probably not stay here longer than a year . The lease is up in about 11 months and I expect we will be moving on at that time . There is the pet issue , for one thing . We could find a place here where we could have pets , no doubt . We might even be able to ask the landlord to allow it . But once we got here and had a chance to breathe , we started talking about what we wanted . This is perfect for now - - it 's a great spot for us to get acclimated to the way things are done here . I love the flat - - it was great to get a place within a week of arriving in the country . Now we have some time to really think about what we want longer term and to look for it . We both agree that we would prefer to be in a more rural area . We want to be able to hike with our future dogs . This is always my issue - - I like the services available in larger places ( like good libraries ) but I don 't care much for living in urban areas - - I tend to get a mild agitation even in smaller urban spaces . I would hate to live in Galway City , and that 's not even a big city . Everything I have read about Dublin makes it sound rather hellish to me , but I suppose I will find myself there at some point as a tourist for a day , although I would never seek to live anywhere near there . It 's just not my thing . When we lived in Fairbanks we lived on 3 acres in the woods , just north of town , and I liked that . Harder to do that kind of thing without a vehicle , though , and of course , one would have to go into such a situation with no expectation of good services and stuff like that . I am getting acclimated to the latter issue here and as for the transportation , we are thinking about looking into getting bikes to solve that problem . Obviously a bike wouldn 't allow us to live in the middle of nowhere , but it would give us more flexibility and we could live further outside of town if we had bikes . So we will look into getting bikes and taking bike maintenance and repair classes . That is another thing we can do here . The timing is great , too . We 're getPosted by Monday , May 5 , 2014It 's quite windy this bank holiday ! We are still trying to translate some of what we hear on the radio and in the weather forecasts . So this morning , the forecast was for wind which would start out " moderate to fresh " and then ramp up to " strong and gusty . " It has done exactly that , but we are still trying to figure out exactly what a fresh wind is - - given the way it 's been used in the past , I thought it was the same as strong . Must be between moderate and strong , though . We have also had " persistent rain , " which has now become " showery rain , " although no sign here of the " thundery rain " so far . There are many kinds of rain . It 's been a lovely weekend in many ways . After a few days of warm and sunny weather last week , the skies turned grey and it got cooler . It has rained off and on for the past three days . It 's been exactly my kind of weather ! Friday was grey with no rain and we went out walking . We were coming home from our errands when instead of turning right onto the street that would take us home , I said , " I wonder where this road leads , " and we went straight to find out . We didn 't go all the way down the road , but cut down a side street , thus discovering a new way to get to Tesco , finding a hardware store , and discovering the bike shop . We are considering getting bikes , but I 've said that if we do that I want to take a class in bike maintenance and repair . Now we know where the shop is , we can go there and see if they have such classes . We went into Tesco on a hunt for Altoids - - Bill is just about down to his last tin and he likes to have them in his backpack when walking . There are apparently no Altoids to be found in this area , but we found a reasonable facsimile in Tesco extra strong mints . They come in rolls and not tins and they are larger , but they will work ! On the way out , a lady with a netbook asked if we 'd do a short survey about Tesco , so we did . At the end , she asked if we lived in Ballinrobe ( which is pronounced with the emphasis on the " robe " part - - as in BallinRObe ) and where we 're from . We told her . She assumed we had relations here and we told her we didn 't . She assumed we 'd been here before and we told her we hadn 't . She seemed surprised and then said , " Well , everyone 's leaving and going to America . It 's nice to see people coming the other way for a change ! " We were just about at the corner where we live when a guy walking in the opposite direction lifted his had in greeting . I expected a " Hello " or a " How ye ? " Instead , the guy stopped , greeted us , introduced himself as David , and started talking to us about how we ended up in Ballinrobe ! He knew exactly where we live and On Saturday we went out in a misty rain to get the Weekend Irish Times and pick up a few sale items at Super Valu . Other than that , we 've stayed at home . I read all my library books , ending with the nice , big , mindless novel I grabbed last week . It was a bit over 600 pages , so was long enough to keep me entertained for a few hours . I saved it for last , thinking it would be just the thing with which to spend some time on a quiet weekend - - and it was ! I read the first 2 / 3 of it yesterday between lunch and supper and finished it off this morning between breakfast and lunch . Bill finished up his own big novel , which he purchased a couple of weeks ago at the charity shop . We will either donate it back there or to the library . He 's now reading another book he found in the charity shop about Nelson Mandela . I am not sure yet what will be next up for me . We 've drunk tea , read , listened to the radio , and I have crocheted and listened to podcasts . I am feeling quite good and very relaxed . Bill isn 't as stressed as he was last week . He still wants his internet connection , but we did get something in the mail which indicates that we are in the system , so perhaps someday things will work out ! He also made fast progress with regard to the info update he needed to do with the people from Social Security . He had to do that through the embassy in Dublin , so Thursday when we were at the library , after we had to keep reconnecting ( computer restarts and troubleshooting gave us a few minutes at a time ) , he was able to copy and paste a letter into an email and send it . He had provided his email address , phone number and one of the mailing addresses , hoping that someone would contact him using one of those methods . The guy called within the hour and papers are supposedly on their way . It was good to end the week and begin the weekend - - feeling like some progress had been made ! It seems that , just like Memorial Day weekend in the US , this May bank holiday weekend is the unofficial start of summer here . It 's staying light a bit later every day - - it was 9 : 45 last night and even with the clouds , it wasn 't completely dark . It 's not as extreme as Fairbanks was , but it does remind us of how far north we are , even if the weather is moderated by the Atlantic Ocean . It 's raining again . That 's what I call a GREAT start to summer ! ! ! Wednesday , April 30 . 2014I have learned that Monday is another bank holiday here . I am not sure whether this means that the library will be closed on Saturday as they were last bank holiday weekend or whether that was specific to the Easter bank holiday . In any case , here are some odds and ends to end the week . It is a good thing that Bill and I have been losing it in tag team style . When we first arrived and started having all of these hassles , I was the one who was miserable and angry . I 'd had enough of the process and just wanted to start living my boring , quiet life again . I was tired of scheduling my days around the opening hours of the library . I was tired of the need to go there , come home and charge the battery , and go back so Bill could work on stuff . I was tired of everything taking so much longer than it needed to take because we do not have internet access - - everything is more complicated . I was sick of the whole thing . Then I read about stuff and learned about the nonsensical things that have happened in the past and it all started to make sense . Even the weird questions we got at the bank become understandable when you learn - - as Bill did in a book he was reading about scandals in Ireland - - that once upon a time , some guy in the government made it so that if people " invested " enough money , they could have an Irish passport . Many of the people who did so were from the Middle East . Now the questions the woman at the bank had to answer about whether we were from a risky country or even a high risk country and whether she was doing this as a face - to - face encounter make perfect sense . There is a woman who lives around here - - down the street from us somewhere - - who wears the coolest headscarf . I love it ! The first time we saw her , we were looking out the sitting room window and saw her walking down the street pushing a stroller . She was in the shade and then she walked into the sunshine and all the little spangly things hanging from the black fabric burst into rainbows from her head . We saw her again yesPosted by

Last night , I had fish and chips for the first time . I am amazed at how much fish I eat now - - LOL . Both of us have been craving chips ( fries ) and we decided to go pick up something for supper . We could have gone in one direction and gotten to Kebab King . Not sure whether that is some kind of chain or not . In the other direction , there was Supermacs , which is a chain - - they are all over the place - - or we could go just a few steps further across the street and go to Rosie 's Takeaway , which I think isn 't a chain . We opted for the latter . The first day we were in town I told Bill we should go there sometime and try the fish and chips ( there 's a big banner on the wall outside announcing the availability of traditional fish and chips ) . We went in and both of decided that we would get that . It 's a small little place with a few tables for eating in , but we chose takeaway . They have burgers , various sorts of fried chicken - - like tenders and sandwiches and wraps made out of them . They also have what are called " chicken burgers . " If I had not already spent some time investigating what is on offer at the local grocery stores , I might have thought that this was a burger made with ground chicken . I knew , though , that a chicken burger is what I call a chicken patty . It 's a fried , breaded chicken patty on a bun . Interestingly , the chips ( fries ) here seem to commonly be available with various kinds of sauces or toppings . You can get different flavors on the side - - the flavors seem to be the same everywhere - - taco , garlic , curry , among others . We didn 't get any sauces . We both briefly pondered onion rings as well and thought they sounded good , but figured that since we are not used to eating fried food , we might want to skip them this time . That was wise , because we each got a box that contained a lot of food . I was surprised at how big the piece of fish was and there was an ample portion of chips to go with it ! Bill got his sprinkled with salt and vinegar . There were packets of ketchup , malt vinegar , and tartar sauce available as well . I wouldn 't want to eat this way all the time , but I was hungry and it was really good ! Both of us agreed that we would go back there again . The food was tasty , reasonably priced ( it was 6 . 20 euro for each meal ) , and still very hot when we got home . It fed a craving . The place is conveniently located . I told Bill that maybe next time we could split an order of fish and chips and then have room for some onion rings , too . Next time will not be for a while , I am sure ! This is the second time we have been out to eat since we arrived 8 weeks ago and the first time was the day we arrived . Still , it 's nice to know that the place is there for when the craving for chips comes back ! ! I learned after supper that it was National Fish and Chips Day - - who knew ? Today we went to Tesco and I bought the only slow cooker I have seen here . It 's 3 litres , so it 's small . I hesitated for weeks before buying it because I felt a larger one might be better . I had a 4 - quart and a 7 - quart in Maine and I used the larger one the most . These are simply not popular here , though , and I did not have anything else to choose ! I could have my pick of deep fat fryers - - they are everywhere . I do not think I have ever seen as wide a selection of fryers anywhere , but not so for slow cookers . I finally decided that I should just get it . It 's small , but I was cooking for 3 adults in Maine and I planned leftovers . There are two of us now , so this one will be fine for chicken , dried beans , and stuff like that . It will also be easier to pack up and take with us . Besides , my oven is crap and I needed some other way to cook bone - in chicken pieces and whole chickens ! ! The owner 's manual for the oven suggests cooking chicken thighs for 2 hours and salmon for half an hour ! ! ! I don 't think so . Now I can just cook stuff in the slow cookPosted by The other day , we headed out to see if we could find the ruins of Cranmore House . It took us all of about three minutes to do it . They are right down the street from us , but behind iron gates and set back a bit , so although we 'd walked past them many times , we 'd never noticed . That was quicker than expected , and since we were heading in that direction anyway , we kept going to Bower 's Lane and onto Bower 's Walk again . We walked to the end , coming across another Celtic snail hanging out on a stone wall along the way , and I decided to try and figure out where I was , so I went up the stairs , opened the gate and was on the narrow road . I looked to my right and told Bill that we were a few yards from where we 'd been last week , when we took a road until the sidewalk ended . Had we gone a little further on that day , we would have discovered the gate and been able to walk home via the path by the river instead of turning around and going back the way we 'd come ! Since the sidewalk was not that far away , and traffic did not seem heavy just then , we planned to walk back that way . Just before we got back to the town limits , though , I decided to head off in another direction . I took a fork in the road and started down it to see how far it would go . Turned out that the sidewalk ended fairly quickly , but the road had a decent grassy shoulder and it looked like there wouldn 't be much traffic , so we kept going . We came to this section of road and it looked so fairy tale - like with the bend in the road and the tall trees on either side , flanking the dark , unknown walkway beneath . It was sunny and warm , but when we got inside the " tunnel " it was cool and smelled of pine . We came out the other side and plodded along until we came to some farmland , houses , and the ever - present fields enclosed by stone walls . We passed a field with a horse and baby - - and little horse seemed quite spooked by the weird people walking past . We passed a field with a bunch of small cows , who started mooing to announce our arrival . This got thOn our way back down the road , a dog rushed out of a yard to greet us , and the dog 's person greeted us by asking if we were on holiday . I told him we 'd moved to town last month and we were walking down the road to see where it led . He asked if we 'd gone all the way to the end and we said we hadn 't . Then he said the words I was hoping to hear , " It 'll lead all the way to the lake , if you keep going . Go to the end , go through the gates , take the path through the forest , and you 'll be at the lake . " I 'd had no luck at all searching online for a way to walk to the lake , but there 's a big map down the street from our apartment that indicates that there should be a way along a county road - - it shows a walker icon and then further down a hiker icon . " This may be that , " I thought . Bill asked how far it was and the guy said about 2 miles . Who knows whether that 's right - - I still can 't find any information on this route anywhere . But one day soon , we will fill our water bottles and pack up our backpacks with those , some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , fruit and whatever else we might want and head in the direction of the lake . We can go through downtown or we can walk along the river to get to the fork in the road . Then we 'll head back down the road and keep going this time , so see if we can find that lake ! I haven 't paid much attention to the price of gas in a long time . I stopped driving and started walking a decade ago and while we kept our trusty old truck during that time , when prices were at their highest 6 or 7 years ago , we had it parked and off the road . We deliberately took it off the road for a couple of years and started walking everywhere . At that time , we 'd walk to the grocery store which also sold gas , and be glad that we weren 't driving . Since then , I simply haven 't noticed . Yesterday we were walking around and passed the gas station at the edge of town . For some reason , I noticed the sign that announced the price of gas at 1 . 57 . 9 euro per litre . I did a rough calculation in my head of 4ish litres to a gallon , so around 6ish euro per gallon . It was only later that it dawned on me that , when converted to US dollars , the price worked out to slightly less than $ 9 per gallon . I did laundry this morning and hung it outside on the line . The wind is whistling and the skies are darkening - - I am watching for raindrops so I can run out and grab it if I have to . I can let it finish drying on the rack indoors , but at least it got outside for a while anyway - - I love the smell of the fresh air in the clean clothes ! There are fields enclosed by stone walls and containing grazing sheep all over the place around here . What is not found all over the place here is yarn made from the wool of those sheep . And I have found that yarn is called " wool " here , no matter the fibre content . This is an unimportant factoid , but it irks me just the same ! The funny thing is that I never think of sheep as a potential food source , which is , I suppose , what these sheep are . I seem to remember that my mother used to make lamb burgers when I was a kid , but as I recall , they came in a package already formed into patties and had chopped parsley sprinkled on top . She may have made leg of lamb or lamb roasts once in a while , but I simply don 't remember . Bill hates lamb and the smell of lamb , so it was never anything that I bought or prepared until we agreed to try some ground lamb from the farm where we were part of the CSA in Maine . I am sure I cooked it badly , but neither of us cared for it , so we agreed not to get it again . Lamb 's a big thing here and there are even packaged lamb - based meals to buy in the grocery stores . The sprinkles started , so I rushed out and brought in the laundry . Now it 's getting brighter . Sigh . I have to learn how to read the sky so I know when there will be sprinkles and when there will be a downpour . Oh well , it 's still my kind of day - - windy , grey , and pretty chilly for the end of May ! We have been in Ireland for 7 weeks today and in our apartment for 6 . Getting darker again - - the greens and other colors outside are so vivid ! Have a great weekend ! Just about four weeks ago , Bill called Eircom and started the process of getting home internet access . At that time , he was told it would take 5 - 10 working days . After taking into consideration the weekends and bank holidays , we are now on working day 18 with no modem . Bill is getting as tired as I am of going to the library for internet , so yesterday while we were there , he went to the Eircom website and began a live chat with Anthony . He explained to Anthony that he had not yet received a modem or any other communication beyond the letter we got a couple of weeks ago telling us how " delighted " Eircom was to welcome us . Anthony felt the best thing to do would be to transfer their little chat session to a different department , but alas , everyone there must 've been at lunch , because there was no one to chat with . Anthony did give Bill a phone number to call later . Later on , Bill took the phone and went into the bedroom - - probably so he would not have to look at me while he conversed with the Eircom person . I have expressed my thoughts quite clearly on this whole situation and if it was up to me , Eircom would not be a part of our lives at all . The only reason I have not simply gone out and bought some kind of pay - as - you - go device is because I figured as soon as I did that , the modem would arrive and we 'd have wasted a bunch of money . I needn 't have worried . As I sat here in the living room and heard Bill finally connect with a live person and explain the situation , I listened to him say , " You mean no one has worked on it since ? " Pause . " How come ? " he asked , " Do you know ? " According to Bill , the reply was , " No , I don 't . I 'm sorry . " I am unsure why Bill did not cancel the work order at this point , but he opted not to do so . I am told we should have the modem in a couple of days . I do not know whether this is " working days " and now we can also wonder what exactly constitutes a " working day " at Eircom . Considering that it has now been 27 days since the original contact was made , and On a happier note , we stopped in at An Post ( the post office ) yesterday morning to pick up a package . The slip had been left in our box the day before . It was a book that Bill was thrilled to have once again . When we were making decisions about what to bring with us , struggling with weight limits , and being constrained by the size of a couple of our suitcases , he reluctantly made the decision to put a book that he really loved on the donation pile . It 's a book of Frank Hurley 's photos taken on one of the Shackleton expeditions to Antarctica . It 's a beautiful book , but one that is large and heavy - - it weighs 6 pounds . He decided to donate that one so he 'd have room for several others . He found a copy on ebay last week . It was priced low and shipping wasn 't much , either . It was coming from the UK . So he bought it and it came yesterday . It was fun watching him with it - - he was so happy to have the book back . It was one of those situations that turned out perfectly all around . The wonderful library in Brunswick will either add his old book to their collection or sell it at the upcoming annual book sale ( which should have quite a lot of former Burke books ! ) . Bill has his book back and did not have to haul it around with him - - that dash through Heathrow would have been that much more difficult had he been carrying this large and heavy book . He was technically over the weight limit for his carry - ons anyway ( I probably was , too ) and he was lugging a large backpack and a Chico bag with stuff in it - - including another big photography book . This one is even more cumbersome than the one he carried , so it was much easier to pick it up at the post office , put it in his smaller backpack , and leisurely walk home with it : - ) It was bright and sunny when we got up Friday morning , and since we had nothing in particular we had to do that day , we had breakfast , filled the Klean Kanteens , packed the backpacks with our water , peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , and fruit and headed out to the river . There are a few different ways we can get there , but on this day we walked down the sidewalk alongside the road on which we rode into town . There 's a big map there that I never paid much attention to before , but I stopped to look this time . I was hoping that if we took the river path we might get all the way to Lough Mask , which doesn 't look like it 's that far away . This map showed various recreational activities available in the area with a big " you are here " by the dot representing Ballinrobe and there was the river with a little walker icon right near the Ballinrobe dot and then another one near the lake . I was hopeful as we continued on our way . We got to the walkway we 'd found before , went down to the path and went left . Before long we came to a spot where the water was falling over some rocks - - such a great sound ! Then we came to some ruins , which seem like they are never very far away here . I examined the bridge above and the surrounding area and thought we could probably walk over the bridge and be right there , and made a note to do that sometime . We walked on and passed many other walkers , some with their dogs . There are several benches and even a bench or two with tables along the path . We crossed a bridge and came to a spot where the water had been used to power a mill . We saw sheep and horses in fields on the other side of the river and lots of cows hanging out near the fences along the path . After about an hour of walking , we came to a set of steps , at the top of which was a gate leading out to the very narrow road . It was the end of the line . I wanted to see if the path picked up somewhere on the other side of the road , so I waited until I could not see or hear any cars coming . The road is a typical rural Irish road - - narrWhen I spotted an opening , I dashed across the road to the other side of the bridge and looked in vain for a pathway beside the river . I was a little bit bummed . There seemed to be nothing else to do but turn around . I might have started walking down the road to see what I could see , but I didn 't see any sidewalks and Bill was urging me to come back , saying it sounded like there was a car coming . We started back the way we 'd come and shortly encountered an older guy walking with a younger one . I asked the guy if the path continued on anywhere past the road and he told me it didn 't but that if I kept going and went over a bridge and under a couple of others , I would find myself right back in town ! He was very helpful , as almost everyone is - - they assume we 're tourists . In a way , we are ! I was disappointed that we didn 't get to the lake , but really happy that we 'd found the walkway , which , I learned later after consulting our new book Ballinrobe : Aspects of a Visual History , is called Bower 's Walk . I can see myself packing the backpack with lunch , water , a book , a crochet project and paper and pen and spending hours by the river walking for a bit and then finding a bench on which to settle back and hang out . On our walk to the end , we 'd noticed some gates and pathways in a few places along the way . On the way back , I decided to see where they led . The first path brought us to a residential area . There were houses along the road that were occupied , but right in the middle of this area , in what was probably a field a decade ago , was a cluster of new homes - - all of them looked empty . We walked further toward the main road and then saw the abbey ruins in the background , so we knew where we were and we turned back toward the river . When we got back to the cavalry barracks ruins , we walked under the bridge and found the steps built into the rock wall . We went up those and up the path , where we came to the town green - - there 's a playground for the kids , a sports field , a clubhouse , and a walking / jogging path around the field . I turned left and headed for the bridge to the ruins . There was a gate that kept us out of the fields surrounding the ruins , but we could stand there on the bridge and look at everything - - the ruins , the stone walls , the sheep , and the river below . The wind was blowing , the sheep were bleating , and the birds were talking . I felt so peaceful standing there . We stayed there for quite a while , just taking it all in and eating our lunches . On the way home , we stopped to look at the map again . As we were looking , this guy came up , asked if we were tourists , and then suggested we drive down to Cong and walk the loop there . It 's a new trail , he said , built as part of a government scheme ( I always find this terrible amusing - - there are no government " programs " here , rather there are " schemes . " After all I have read about the way things operate here , the word " scheme " with its connotations of something slightly underhanded and manipulative , seems entirely appropriate ! ! ) . We smiled and thanked him . I decided to make a list of things I wanted to look up the following day at the library . I looked for information on walking trails in or near Ballinrobe and found that there is one in Neale that would be possible - - we could walk to Neale in an hour , do the walk , and come home . But that would require us to try and walk along one of those narrow curving roads - - not only without shoulders , but sometimes with a stone wall right up against the road . Probably not a smart thing to do . I looked up Ballinrobe to Lough Mask and the directions have someone driving up the road and around the lake to the other side ! I tried " walking trail from Ballinrobe to Lough Mask " but all that came up was the Bower 's Walk . I gave up on that and tried to find a book about walking trails in Ireland , but met with failure again . By then my computer battery was almost dead , so I gave up . I decided that the map in town showed the little walker icon twice - - once near town and once near the spot where the river meets the lake - - because there 's a path in town and possibly a path closer to the lake , but nothing in between . Oh well . I will enjoy what I 've got ! We got home from the library on Saturday just before the rain started . It was a lovely , rainy , blustery day on Sunday , too - - another great day of hanging out spending hours with the newspaper and reading a novel . On Sunday night I listened to a documentary that consisted of elders talking about their childhoods and then a Posted by Story 1 : The new water charges are all over the news . People blockaded to stop water meters from being installed in various parts of the country . Politicians have been negotiating to come up with final numbers about what the charge will be and what exemptions will be available . People are angry all over the country about this , but some people are more angry than others because they have boil notices and apparently have for a while . It 's an ongoing situation . In Europe . In 2014 . Amazing . The water charge issue was being discussed on the radio while Bill and I were waiting in the doctor 's office so he could have his blood test . The conversation went something like this : Host 1 : " What if people can 't pay ? " Host 2 : " Water is a fundamental human right , so it has to be provided , but they will lower the water pressure . People would turn on the tap and just get a trickle . Maybe they would get so annoyed that they 'd pay the bill . " I am unsure how you would lower the water pressure any more and still have flowing water . It 's pretty bad already . And it does boggle the mind - - the idea that water is a fundamental human right , so we 'll give it to you regardless of ability to pay , even if you have to collect it drop by drop . Story 2 : There was a school in Kilkenny that was completed in 2007 . It was state - of - the - art at that time with smart classrooms , including white boards connected to the Internet , laptops , and other fabulous electronics . Teachers were expected to use various online materials in the classroom . The problem ? The Internet connection was slower than what you would get in the Democratic Republic of Congo . Videos would start , buffer for up to half an hour , and then start again . One kid could be online at a time , if they were lucky . In Europe . In 2014 . Teachers and students alike were frustrated . Teachers were concerned that their kids would be behind when they moved up to higher levels and were sharing classrooms with kids from other areas that had access to these resources . A company went in over the Easter holiday break and fixed things up for them , so now everything works at what seems like lightning speed . The teachers are happy . The kids are happy . Story 3 : There 's a town called Arklow , south of Dublin on the east coast of the country that has been waiting for their water treatment plant for 15 years . That means that all during the Celtic Tiger years , this was a planned project and it never got done . From what I have read , not much of anything got done during those years , except the enrichment of a few individuals . For the very first time in the country 's history , they were not poor and could have used their wealth for the betterment of everyone by updating aging infrastructure and building things that would have been a benefit to the community . Instead , greedy people took as much as they could while government and banking officials drove the country off a cliff . Meanwhile , near Arklow , raw sewage is still being dumped into the river . In Europe . In 2014 . Story 4 : Eurovision is apparently a big thing in these parts and has been around for decades . I had heard of Eurovision in passing - - probably from the BBC or something . I was vaguely aware that it was a song contest . Last week I learned that it has been around since tPosted by Monday , May 12 , 2014I find that I am starting to really look forward to and enjoy Sundays . It is nice to get up knowing that there 's nowhere in particular we have to go or anything in particular that we have to do . For the past couple of Sundays , we 've spent hours reading the paper and then books , drinking coffee , and in the evening , listening to the radio ( me ) or watching a DVD ( Bill ) . This Sunday , we also spent a few minutes looking at the view from the sitting room window . This morning we walked over to the Country Market on Main St to get a 10 kg bag of red potatoes , which are called " rooster potatoes " here . We were the only customers in the place and the guy greeted us with a " Hello ! Nice soft day today , isn 't it ? " I have no idea what a soft day is , but I nodded and agreed with him . I made a comment about there being something for everyone - - rain one minute and sunshine the next . He declared that everyone had had enough rain by now . He was wrong , but I didn 't contradict him . I quite enjoy the fact that there 's a bit of grey sky and at least some sprinkles most days . Rather than carry the bag of potatoes to the counter to pay , I said , " I 'll take a bag of these . " He replied , " OK , a bag of roosters , then . " Of course the image that sprang into my head was of someone trying to stuff a bunch of roosters into a bag . I paid him without laughing at that image , got the potatoes into my big backpack and off we went . I 've mentioned that on weather reports they often predict " fresh " winds . Apparently , in addition to the possibility of winds being fresh and days being soft , days can also be fresh . We met our neighbor across the deck coming up the stairs last week and when we got to the top of the stairs she said , " Lovely , fresh day , isn 't it ? " Yup . She also told Bill and me at separate times to be sure to go and hang out on the deck on fine days . I am quite enjoying learning the ways the same language is used differently : - ) We took a nice long walk today after coming home , dropping off the potatoes , and having some lunch . We started to head toward the road we came into town on when I had to stop and recover from my distress at seeing the unfortunate abundance of apostrophes on the sign for the restaurant - - LOL . I never understand why no one proofreads such things before they give the final approval for the sign to be printed . Happily for them , the large sign they have attached to the wall of the building and which says exactly the same thing , does not contain such mistakes . After that unhappy interlude , we walked on until the sidewalk ran out and then we took a right because there was still sidewalk on that road - - at least for a while . It was amazing how quiet things seemed just a kilometre from the town center . We walked a little bit further once the sidewalk ended , but the road was curved and there was no shoulder , so no safe place to walk with the cars zooming around like they do . Almost everyday brings another report on the radio about someone who has died in a traffic accident of some sort - - often people run right into walls . Sometimes it 's pedestrians or bicyclisIt seems we have a 4th address ! We got mail last week and again today with an extra line on the address that we hadn 't seen before . So we are up to 4 possible variations now that we know can be used - - one street or another or various combinations . No sign of any Internet connection here and we move into working day 12 of our 5 - 10 working day wait . I suggested to Bill that we tell Eircom to forget it and go look into pay - as - you - go smartphones that will allow us to do basic web stuff . We can go to the library for other things . We have had enough anecdotal evidence to tell us that we can assume that even if service is ever available at home , it will be unreliable . The idea of paying for it and essentially rewarding the company for crappy service bugs me a lot . I just finished a book in which the author mentioned an ad run by the Fine Gael party during the elections in ( I think ) 2002 . In the ad they said the Celtic Tiger should more appropriately be named the Celtic Snail . I can attest to the fact that the Celtic Snail is alive and well ! ! It 's a little scary - - we actually got stuff done yesterday . Not started , not " we 've done what we can do and now we wait , " but actually finished ! Yay ! After calling the doctor 's office several times and getting a busy signal or no answer , Bill tried again this morning . This time there was a live person on the other end who gave him an appointment for noonish today . It was like , " Wait . Wait . Wait . NOW ! " So off to the office we went . We sat in the waiting room until it was Bill 's turn and he went into the surgery ( examination room ) while I went to wait outside . It was getting stuffy in there and there was some crappy music blaring from the radio . I leaned against the stone wall , took the book out of my backpack and read in the fresh air . Bill was only in there for about 10 minutes , but in that time , the sky went from grey , to bright , to black . It was nice and breezy and it misted for a few minutes . The INR test is done using a machine right in the doctor 's office with the results available immediately . In Maine , he went to the lab at the hospital and the results were sent to the nurse in the doctor 's office , who called him with the results . There are other differences here - - Bill got a booklet to keep track of his readings and dosage . He 'd been keeping his own in a document on his computer anyway , but this makes it easier to bring in when going for a test , I guess . The doctor also said that the medication is called by different names here and the available dosages are different . This is not something we have to worry about now , since he got all his refills before he left , so has a supply for now . He was in range , so all was well and now we have some time before the next test is supposed to happen . Glad this one 's done ! Yay ! We received the paperwork regarding Bill 's social security info update from the embassy day before yesterday . The guy had filled out practically everything and all Bill had to to was add a few numbers , sign and date . We mailed that back today . Another task completed ! Yay ! We sOver the weekend , I listened to stuff on RTE Radio 1 and a few of the shows were funded with the TV license fee . It seems amusing that the TV fee goes to fund radio shows , but it 's OK with me ! From what I can tell , they 've been cracking down on people who do not pay their TV license fee , which can be done at the post office . They even send inspectors around to check on homes where people have not paid the fee to see whether there 's a TV . The previous tenant left his letter behind . The TV inspector is welcome here anytime for a cup of tea and a look around - - LOL . I have turned the TV stand that was here sideways and am using it as an end table ( or side table as they call it here ) next to the couch . It 's covered with doilies . I haven 't listened to as much radio this week as I have been because some stuff isn 't on and I am not interested in the book they 're doing this week . I did listen to the arts show on Monday night . They were talking about a biennial exhibit in Limerick and it was mentioned a few times that it 's good that it 's in Limerick and not Dublin . I had to laugh - - it 's just like the kind of thing we 'd hear about Anchorage when we lived in Fairbanks and Portland when we lived in Klamath Falls . Those big cities get everything - - LOLHave a great weekend ! Before we started selling some stuff , giving away a bunch more , and packing up the little bit that was left , we started looking on Daft . ie for possible places to rent in Ireland . For no particular reason , except that it felt right , I knew that I wanted to stay in the west of Ireland , and Bill 's grandparents were from there , we narrowed things down to Galway and environs . Bill started looking at listings on Christmas Day . I was trying to not think about what was coming - - I generally like being in a new place , but not the prep work required to get there . We had just found out a few days earlier that the company Bill was working for would probably be sold and at that point , we had no idea what our timetable would be beyond the last day of work for the old company , which would be February 11 . I wanted to forget the uncertainty until after the holidays , but as always , Bill was eager to do something to get the process rolling , so Daft . ie it was . He looked at a bunch of listings and we had no clue where they were , so there was googling and looking at the map we had on the wall in the bedroom trying to get some sense of things - - especially whether a place was on a bus route ! Thus began his regular visits to the site and he started his " saved listings " list , which changed as some listings were not renewed , a few were rented , we removed some and added others . Sometime in February or March , he added County Mayo to the search and discovered that there were nicer places available for less money there . Since it didn 't matter to us , we kept Counties Mayo and Galway in the search and places from each in the saved listings . When we got to within a week of our departure , we contacted a couple of people about their listings . These were individuals and not letting agents . We thought we might be able to set up appointments to look at the places they had available ( and had had available for some time , because the site tells you how long a place has been listed and what the price history is ) and plan our days accordingly . No one rAt the end of the day , we discovered that we had several listings in Ballinrobe and a couple of nearby towns and all of them were listed by the same agent . We looked into Ballinrobe . At this point , our requirements were few - - decent grocery store , bus service , and small apartment / house / whatever . Ballinrobe had those things , so we decided that the best thing would be to call the letting agent on Monday morning and go from there . We would try to make an appointment to meet with her and look at places . Because we were not fussy , we figured one of them would be adequate . The point was to find a place where we could unpack the suitcases , have an address , get stuff done , like bank account , social security change of address , and all that kind of stuff , and then start hopping on a bus to various places so we could see what other places are like . At first we wanted to rush out and adopt 4 - legged - furry people from the nearest shelter , so we were looking at places where they were allowed , but Bill said maybe we should wait until we were more settled and I agreed . That turned out to be the right call . Anyway , the agent called us back on the Monday and we spent the day playing phone tag , but at the end of the day , we had an appointment for the following afternoon . We had little time because we had to catch the bus back to Galway , but we looked at a couple of places , chose this one , filled out the application , gave her a deposit , and left . It all took about half an hour . Had she not called us back , we had other agents with multiple listings to call in other towns . The point was that our week in the BnB was up that Thursday and while I loved the place , was quite comfortable there , and would 've gladly paid up for another week , I knew that from a cost - effectiveness standpoint , rent would be better . Plus we could get going on all of those practical life details if we had an address . When I called the agent and left her a message , I came right out and said that we wanted to rent something quickly and we were quite sure that one ofWe know that we will probably not stay here longer than a year . The lease is up in about 11 months and I expect we will be moving on at that time . There is the pet issue , for one thing . We could find a place here where we could have pets , no doubt . We might even be able to ask the landlord to allow it . But once we got here and had a chance to breathe , we started talking about what we wanted . This is perfect for now - - it 's a great spot for us to get acclimated to the way things are done here . I love the flat - - it was great to get a place within a week of arriving in the country . Now we have some time to really think about what we want longer term and to look for it . We both agree that we would prefer to be in a more rural area . We want to be able to hike with our future dogs . This is always my issue - - I like the services available in larger places ( like good libraries ) but I don 't care much for living in urban areas - - I tend to get a mild agitation even in smaller urban spaces . I would hate to live in Galway City , and that 's not even a big city . Everything I have read about Dublin makes it sound rather hellish to me , but I suppose I will find myself there at some point as a tourist for a day , although I would never seek to live anywhere near there . It 's just not my thing . When we lived in Fairbanks we lived on 3 acres in the woods , just north of town , and I liked that . Harder to do that kind of thing without a vehicle , though , and of course , one would have to go into such a situation with no expectation of good services and stuff like that . I am getting acclimated to the latter issue here and as for the transportation , we are thinking about looking into getting bikes to solve that problem . Obviously a bike wouldn 't allow us to live in the middle of nowhere , but it would give us more flexibility and we could live further outside of town if we had bikes . So we will look into getting bikes and taking bike maintenance and repair classes . That is another thing we can do here . The timing is great , too . We 're getPosted by Monday , May 5 , 2014It 's quite windy this bank holiday ! We are still trying to translate some of what we hear on the radio and in the weather forecasts . So this morning , the forecast was for wind which would start out " moderate to fresh " and then ramp up to " strong and gusty . " It has done exactly that , but we are still trying to figure out exactly what a fresh wind is - - given the way it 's been used in the past , I thought it was the same as strong . Must be between moderate and strong , though . We have also had " persistent rain , " which has now become " showery rain , " although no sign here of the " thundery rain " so far . There are many kinds of rain . It 's been a lovely weekend in many ways . After a few days of warm and sunny weather last week , the skies turned grey and it got cooler . It has rained off and on for the past three days . It 's been exactly my kind of weather ! Friday was grey with no rain and we went out walking . We were coming home from our errands when instead of turning right onto the street that would take us home , I said , " I wonder where this road leads , " and we went straight to find out . We didn 't go all the way down the road , but cut down a side street , thus discovering a new way to get to Tesco , finding a hardware store , and discovering the bike shop . We are considering getting bikes , but I 've said that if we do that I want to take a class in bike maintenance and repair . Now we know where the shop is , we can go there and see if they have such classes . We went into Tesco on a hunt for Altoids - - Bill is just about down to his last tin and he likes to have them in his backpack when walking . There are apparently no Altoids to be found in this area , but we found a reasonable facsimile in Tesco extra strong mints . They come in rolls and not tins and they are larger , but they will work ! On the way out , a lady with a netbook asked if we 'd do a short survey about Tesco , so we did . At the end , she asked if we lived in Ballinrobe ( which is pronounced with the emphasis on the " robe " part - - as in BallinRObe ) and where we 're from . We told her . She assumed we had relations here and we told her we didn 't . She assumed we 'd been here before and we told her we hadn 't . She seemed surprised and then said , " Well , everyone 's leaving and going to America . It 's nice to see people coming the other way for a change ! " We were just about at the corner where we live when a guy walking in the opposite direction lifted his had in greeting . I expected a " Hello " or a " How ye ? " Instead , the guy stopped , greeted us , introduced himself as David , and started talking to us about how we ended up in Ballinrobe ! He knew exactly where we live and On Saturday we went out in a misty rain to get the Weekend Irish Times and pick up a few sale items at Super Valu . Other than that , we 've stayed at home . I read all my library books , ending with the nice , big , mindless novel I grabbed last week . It was a bit over 600 pages , so was long enough to keep me entertained for a few hours . I saved it for last , thinking it would be just the thing with which to spend some time on a quiet weekend - - and it was ! I read the first 2 / 3 of it yesterday between lunch and supper and finished it off this morning between breakfast and lunch . Bill finished up his own big novel , which he purchased a couple of weeks ago at the charity shop . We will either donate it back there or to the library . He 's now reading another book he found in the charity shop about Nelson Mandela . I am not sure yet what will be next up for me . We 've drunk tea , read , listened to the radio , and I have crocheted and listened to podcasts . I am feeling quite good and very relaxed . Bill isn 't as stressed as he was last week . He still wants his internet connection , but we did get something in the mail which indicates that we are in the system , so perhaps someday things will work out ! He also made fast progress with regard to the info update he needed to do with the people from Social Security . He had to do that through the embassy in Dublin , so Thursday when we were at the library , after we had to keep reconnecting ( computer restarts and troubleshooting gave us a few minutes at a time ) , he was able to copy and paste a letter into an email and send it . He had provided his email address , phone number and one of the mailing addresses , hoping that someone would contact him using one of those methods . The guy called within the hour and papers are supposedly on their way . It was good to end the week and begin the weekend - - feeling like some progress had been made ! It seems that , just like Memorial Day weekend in the US , this May bank holiday weekend is the unofficial start of summer here . It 's staying light a bit later every day - - it was 9 : 45 last night and even with the clouds , it wasn 't completely dark . It 's not as extreme as Fairbanks was , but it does remind us of how far north we are , even if the weather is moderated by the Atlantic Ocean . It 's raining again . That 's what I call a GREAT start to summer ! ! ! Wednesday , April 30 . 2014I have learned that Monday is another bank holiday here . I am not sure whether this means that the library will be closed on Saturday as they were last bank holiday weekend or whether that was specific to the Easter bank holiday . In any case , here are some odds and ends to end the week . It is a good thing that Bill and I have been losing it in tag team style . When we first arrived and started having all of these hassles , I was the one who was miserable and angry . I 'd had enough of the process and just wanted to start living my boring , quiet life again . I was tired of scheduling my days around the opening hours of the library . I was tired of the need to go there , come home and charge the battery , and go back so Bill could work on stuff . I was tired of everything taking so much longer than it needed to take because we do not have internet access - - everything is more complicated . I was sick of the whole thing . Then I read about stuff and learned about the nonsensical things that have happened in the past and it all started to make sense . Even the weird questions we got at the bank become understandable when you learn - - as Bill did in a book he was reading about scandals in Ireland - - that once upon a time , some guy in the government made it so that if people " invested " enough money , they could have an Irish passport . Many of the people who did so were from the Middle East . Now the questions the woman at the bank had to answer about whether we were from a risky country or even a high risk country and whether she was doing this as a face - to - face encounter make perfect sense . There is a woman who lives around here - - down the street from us somewhere - - who wears the coolest headscarf . I love it ! The first time we saw her , we were looking out the sitting room window and saw her walking down the street pushing a stroller . She was in the shade and then she walked into the sunshine and all the little spangly things hanging from the black fabric burst into rainbows from her head . We saw her again yesPosted by

Last night , I had fish and chips for the first time . I am amazed at how much fish I eat now - - LOL . Both of us have been craving chips ( fries ) and we decided to go pick up something for supper . We could have gone in one direction and gotten to Kebab King . Not sure whether that is some kind of chain or not . In the other direction , there was Supermacs , which is a chain - - they are all over the place - - or we could go just a few steps further across the street and go to Rosie 's Takeaway , which I think isn 't a chain . We opted for the latter . The first day we were in town I told Bill we should go there sometime and try the fish and chips ( there 's a big banner on the wall outside announcing the availability of traditional fish and chips ) . We went in and both of decided that we would get that . It 's a small little place with a few tables for eating in , but we chose takeaway . They have burgers , various sorts of fried chicken - - like tenders and sandwiches and wraps made out of them . They also have what are called " chicken burgers . " If I had not already spent some time investigating what is on offer at the local grocery stores , I might have thought that this was a burger made with ground chicken . I knew , though , that a chicken burger is what I call a chicken patty . It 's a fried , breaded chicken patty on a bun . Interestingly , the chips ( fries ) here seem to commonly be available with various kinds of sauces or toppings . You can get different flavors on the side - - the flavors seem to be the same everywhere - - taco , garlic , curry , among others . We didn 't get any sauces . We both briefly pondered onion rings as well and thought they sounded good , but figured that since we are not used to eating fried food , we might want to skip them this time . That was wise , because we each got a box that contained a lot of food . I was surprised at how big the piece of fish was and there was an ample portion of chips to go with it ! Bill got his sprinkled with salt and vinegar . There were packets of ketchup , malt vinegar , and tartar sauce available as well . I wouldn 't want to eat this way all the time , but I was hungry and it was really good ! Both of us agreed that we would go back there again . The food was tasty , reasonably priced ( it was 6 . 20 euro for each meal ) , and still very hot when we got home . It fed a craving . The place is conveniently located . I told Bill that maybe next time we could split an order of fish and chips and then have room for some onion rings , too . Next time will not be for a while , I am sure ! This is the second time we have been out to eat since we arrived 8 weeks ago and the first time was the day we arrived . Still , it 's nice to know that the place is there for when the craving for chips comes back ! ! I learned after supper that it was National Fish and Chips Day - - who knew ? Today we went to Tesco and I bought the only slow cooker I have seen here . It 's 3 litres , so it 's small . I hesitated for weeks before buying it because I felt a larger one might be better . I had a 4 - quart and a 7 - quart in Maine and I used the larger one the most . These are simply not popular here , though , and I did not have anything else to choose ! I could have my pick of deep fat fryers - - they are everywhere . I do not think I have ever seen as wide a selection of fryers anywhere , but not so for slow cookers . I finally decided that I should just get it . It 's small , but I was cooking for 3 adults in Maine and I planned leftovers . There are two of us now , so this one will be fine for chicken , dried beans , and stuff like that . It will also be easier to pack up and take with us . Besides , my oven is crap and I needed some other way to cook bone - in chicken pieces and whole chickens ! ! The owner 's manual for the oven suggests cooking chicken thighs for 2 hours and salmon for half an hour ! ! ! I don 't think so . Now I can just cook stuff in the slow cookPosted by The other day , we headed out to see if we could find the ruins of Cranmore House . It took us all of about three minutes to do it . They are right down the street from us , but behind iron gates and set back a bit , so although we 'd walked past them many times , we 'd never noticed . That was quicker than expected , and since we were heading in that direction anyway , we kept going to Bower 's Lane and onto Bower 's Walk again . We walked to the end , coming across another Celtic snail hanging out on a stone wall along the way , and I decided to try and figure out where I was , so I went up the stairs , opened the gate and was on the narrow road . I looked to my right and told Bill that we were a few yards from where we 'd been last week , when we took a road until the sidewalk ended . Had we gone a little further on that day , we would have discovered the gate and been able to walk home via the path by the river instead of turning around and going back the way we 'd come ! Since the sidewalk was not that far away , and traffic did not seem heavy just then , we planned to walk back that way . Just before we got back to the town limits , though , I decided to head off in another direction . I took a fork in the road and started down it to see how far it would go . Turned out that the sidewalk ended fairly quickly , but the road had a decent grassy shoulder and it looked like there wouldn 't be much traffic , so we kept going . We came to this section of road and it looked so fairy tale - like with the bend in the road and the tall trees on either side , flanking the dark , unknown walkway beneath . It was sunny and warm , but when we got inside the " tunnel " it was cool and smelled of pine . We came out the other side and plodded along until we came to some farmland , houses , and the ever - present fields enclosed by stone walls . We passed a field with a horse and baby - - and little horse seemed quite spooked by the weird people walking past . We passed a field with a bunch of small cows , who started mooing to announce our arrival . This got thOn our way back down the road , a dog rushed out of a yard to greet us , and the dog 's person greeted us by asking if we were on holiday . I told him we 'd moved to town last month and we were walking down the road to see where it led . He asked if we 'd gone all the way to the end and we said we hadn 't . Then he said the words I was hoping to hear , " It 'll lead all the way to the lake , if you keep going . Go to the end , go through the gates , take the path through the forest , and you 'll be at the lake . " I 'd had no luck at all searching online for a way to walk to the lake , but there 's a big map down the street from our apartment that indicates that there should be a way along a county road - - it shows a walker icon and then further down a hiker icon . " This may be that , " I thought . Bill asked how far it was and the guy said about 2 miles . Who knows whether that 's right - - I still can 't find any information on this route anywhere . But one day soon , we will fill our water bottles and pack up our backpacks with those , some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , fruit and whatever else we might want and head in the direction of the lake . We can go through downtown or we can walk along the river to get to the fork in the road . Then we 'll head back down the road and keep going this time , so see if we can find that lake ! I haven 't paid much attention to the price of gas in a long time . I stopped driving and started walking a decade ago and while we kept our trusty old truck during that time , when prices were at their highest 6 or 7 years ago , we had it parked and off the road . We deliberately took it off the road for a couple of years and started walking everywhere . At that time , we 'd walk to the grocery store which also sold gas , and be glad that we weren 't driving . Since then , I simply haven 't noticed . Yesterday we were walking around and passed the gas station at the edge of town . For some reason , I noticed the sign that announced the price of gas at 1 . 57 . 9 euro per litre . I did a rough calculation in my head of 4ish litres to a gallon , so around 6ish euro per gallon . It was only later that it dawned on me that , when converted to US dollars , the price worked out to slightly less than $ 9 per gallon . I did laundry this morning and hung it outside on the line . The wind is whistling and the skies are darkening - - I am watching for raindrops so I can run out and grab it if I have to . I can let it finish drying on the rack indoors , but at least it got outside for a while anyway - - I love the smell of the fresh air in the clean clothes ! There are fields enclosed by stone walls and containing grazing sheep all over the place around here . What is not found all over the place here is yarn made from the wool of those sheep . And I have found that yarn is called " wool " here , no matter the fibre content . This is an unimportant factoid , but it irks me just the same ! The funny thing is that I never think of sheep as a potential food source , which is , I suppose , what these sheep are . I seem to remember that my mother used to make lamb burgers when I was a kid , but as I recall , they came in a package already formed into patties and had chopped parsley sprinkled on top . She may have made leg of lamb or lamb roasts once in a while , but I simply don 't remember . Bill hates lamb and the smell of lamb , so it was never anything that I bought or prepared until we agreed to try some ground lamb from the farm where we were part of the CSA in Maine . I am sure I cooked it badly , but neither of us cared for it , so we agreed not to get it again . Lamb 's a big thing here and there are even packaged lamb - based meals to buy in the grocery stores . The sprinkles started , so I rushed out and brought in the laundry . Now it 's getting brighter . Sigh . I have to learn how to read the sky so I know when there will be sprinkles and when there will be a downpour . Oh well , it 's still my kind of day - - windy , grey , and pretty chilly for the end of May ! We have been in Ireland for 7 weeks today and in our apartment for 6 . Getting darker again - - the greens and other colors outside are so vivid ! Have a great weekend ! Just about four weeks ago , Bill called Eircom and started the process of getting home internet access . At that time , he was told it would take 5 - 10 working days . After taking into consideration the weekends and bank holidays , we are now on working day 18 with no modem . Bill is getting as tired as I am of going to the library for internet , so yesterday while we were there , he went to the Eircom website and began a live chat with Anthony . He explained to Anthony that he had not yet received a modem or any other communication beyond the letter we got a couple of weeks ago telling us how " delighted " Eircom was to welcome us . Anthony felt the best thing to do would be to transfer their little chat session to a different department , but alas , everyone there must 've been at lunch , because there was no one to chat with . Anthony did give Bill a phone number to call later . Later on , Bill took the phone and went into the bedroom - - probably so he would not have to look at me while he conversed with the Eircom person . I have expressed my thoughts quite clearly on this whole situation and if it was up to me , Eircom would not be a part of our lives at all . The only reason I have not simply gone out and bought some kind of pay - as - you - go device is because I figured as soon as I did that , the modem would arrive and we 'd have wasted a bunch of money . I needn 't have worried . As I sat here in the living room and heard Bill finally connect with a live person and explain the situation , I listened to him say , " You mean no one has worked on it since ? " Pause . " How come ? " he asked , " Do you know ? " According to Bill , the reply was , " No , I don 't . I 'm sorry . " I am unsure why Bill did not cancel the work order at this point , but he opted not to do so . I am told we should have the modem in a couple of days . I do not know whether this is " working days " and now we can also wonder what exactly constitutes a " working day " at Eircom . Considering that it has now been 27 days since the original contact was made , and On a happier note , we stopped in at An Post ( the post office ) yesterday morning to pick up a package . The slip had been left in our box the day before . It was a book that Bill was thrilled to have once again . When we were making decisions about what to bring with us , struggling with weight limits , and being constrained by the size of a couple of our suitcases , he reluctantly made the decision to put a book that he really loved on the donation pile . It 's a book of Frank Hurley 's photos taken on one of the Shackleton expeditions to Antarctica . It 's a beautiful book , but one that is large and heavy - - it weighs 6 pounds . He decided to donate that one so he 'd have room for several others . He found a copy on ebay last week . It was priced low and shipping wasn 't much , either . It was coming from the UK . So he bought it and it came yesterday . It was fun watching him with it - - he was so happy to have the book back . It was one of those situations that turned out perfectly all around . The wonderful library in Brunswick will either add his old book to their collection or sell it at the upcoming annual book sale ( which should have quite a lot of former Burke books ! ) . Bill has his book back and did not have to haul it around with him - - that dash through Heathrow would have been that much more difficult had he been carrying this large and heavy book . He was technically over the weight limit for his carry - ons anyway ( I probably was , too ) and he was lugging a large backpack and a Chico bag with stuff in it - - including another big photography book . This one is even more cumbersome than the one he carried , so it was much easier to pick it up at the post office , put it in his smaller backpack , and leisurely walk home with it : - ) It was bright and sunny when we got up Friday morning , and since we had nothing in particular we had to do that day , we had breakfast , filled the Klean Kanteens , packed the backpacks with our water , peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , and fruit and headed out to the river . There are a few different ways we can get there , but on this day we walked down the sidewalk alongside the road on which we rode into town . There 's a big map there that I never paid much attention to before , but I stopped to look this time . I was hoping that if we took the river path we might get all the way to Lough Mask , which doesn 't look like it 's that far away . This map showed various recreational activities available in the area with a big " you are here " by the dot representing Ballinrobe and there was the river with a little walker icon right near the Ballinrobe dot and then another one near the lake . I was hopeful as we continued on our way . We got to the walkway we 'd found before , went down to the path and went left . Before long we came to a spot where the water was falling over some rocks - - such a great sound ! Then we came to some ruins , which seem like they are never very far away here . I examined the bridge above and the surrounding area and thought we could probably walk over the bridge and be right there , and made a note to do that sometime . We walked on and passed many other walkers , some with their dogs . There are several benches and even a bench or two with tables along the path . We crossed a bridge and came to a spot where the water had been used to power a mill . We saw sheep and horses in fields on the other side of the river and lots of cows hanging out near the fences along the path . After about an hour of walking , we came to a set of steps , at the top of which was a gate leading out to the very narrow road . It was the end of the line . I wanted to see if the path picked up somewhere on the other side of the road , so I waited until I could not see or hear any cars coming . The road is a typical rural Irish road - - narrWhen I spotted an opening , I dashed across the road to the other side of the bridge and looked in vain for a pathway beside the river . I was a little bit bummed . There seemed to be nothing else to do but turn around . I might have started walking down the road to see what I could see , but I didn 't see any sidewalks and Bill was urging me to come back , saying it sounded like there was a car coming . We started back the way we 'd come and shortly encountered an older guy walking with a younger one . I asked the guy if the path continued on anywhere past the road and he told me it didn 't but that if I kept going and went over a bridge and under a couple of others , I would find myself right back in town ! He was very helpful , as almost everyone is - - they assume we 're tourists . In a way , we are ! I was disappointed that we didn 't get to the lake , but really happy that we 'd found the walkway , which , I learned later after consulting our new book Ballinrobe : Aspects of a Visual History , is called Bower 's Walk . I can see myself packing the backpack with lunch , water , a book , a crochet project and paper and pen and spending hours by the river walking for a bit and then finding a bench on which to settle back and hang out . On our walk to the end , we 'd noticed some gates and pathways in a few places along the way . On the way back , I decided to see where they led . The first path brought us to a residential area . There were houses along the road that were occupied , but right in the middle of this area , in what was probably a field a decade ago , was a cluster of new homes - - all of them looked empty . We walked further toward the main road and then saw the abbey ruins in the background , so we knew where we were and we turned back toward the river . When we got back to the cavalry barracks ruins , we walked under the bridge and found the steps built into the rock wall . We went up those and up the path , where we came to the town green - - there 's a playground for the kids , a sports field , a clubhouse , and a walking / jogging path around the field . I turned left and headed for the bridge to the ruins . There was a gate that kept us out of the fields surrounding the ruins , but we could stand there on the bridge and look at everything - - the ruins , the stone walls , the sheep , and the river below . The wind was blowing , the sheep were bleating , and the birds were talking . I felt so peaceful standing there . We stayed there for quite a while , just taking it all in and eating our lunches . On the way home , we stopped to look at the map again . As we were looking , this guy came up , asked if we were tourists , and then suggested we drive down to Cong and walk the loop there . It 's a new trail , he said , built as part of a government scheme ( I always find this terrible amusing - - there are no government " programs " here , rather there are " schemes . " After all I have read about the way things operate here , the word " scheme " with its connotations of something slightly underhanded and manipulative , seems entirely appropriate ! ! ) . We smiled and thanked him . I decided to make a list of things I wanted to look up the following day at the library . I looked for information on walking trails in or near Ballinrobe and found that there is one in Neale that would be possible - - we could walk to Neale in an hour , do the walk , and come home . But that would require us to try and walk along one of those narrow curving roads - - not only without shoulders , but sometimes with a stone wall right up against the road . Probably not a smart thing to do . I looked up Ballinrobe to Lough Mask and the directions have someone driving up the road and around the lake to the other side ! I tried " walking trail from Ballinrobe to Lough Mask " but all that came up was the Bower 's Walk . I gave up on that and tried to find a book about walking trails in Ireland , but met with failure again . By then my computer battery was almost dead , so I gave up . I decided that the map in town showed the little walker icon twice - - once near town and once near the spot where the river meets the lake - - because there 's a path in town and possibly a path closer to the lake , but nothing in between . Oh well . I will enjoy what I 've got ! We got home from the library on Saturday just before the rain started . It was a lovely , rainy , blustery day on Sunday , too - - another great day of hanging out spending hours with the newspaper and reading a novel . On Sunday night I listened to a documentary that consisted of elders talking about their childhoods and then a Posted by Story 1 : The new water charges are all over the news . People blockaded to stop water meters from being installed in various parts of the country . Politicians have been negotiating to come up with final numbers about what the charge will be and what exemptions will be available . People are angry all over the country about this , but some people are more angry than others because they have boil notices and apparently have for a while . It 's an ongoing situation . In Europe . In 2014 . Amazing . The water charge issue was being discussed on the radio while Bill and I were waiting in the doctor 's office so he could have his blood test . The conversation went something like this : Host 1 : " What if people can 't pay ? " Host 2 : " Water is a fundamental human right , so it has to be provided , but they will lower the water pressure . People would turn on the tap and just get a trickle . Maybe they would get so annoyed that they 'd pay the bill . " I am unsure how you would lower the water pressure any more and still have flowing water . It 's pretty bad already . And it does boggle the mind - - the idea that water is a fundamental human right , so we 'll give it to you regardless of ability to pay , even if you have to collect it drop by drop . Story 2 : There was a school in Kilkenny that was completed in 2007 . It was state - of - the - art at that time with smart classrooms , including white boards connected to the Internet , laptops , and other fabulous electronics . Teachers were expected to use various online materials in the classroom . The problem ? The Internet connection was slower than what you would get in the Democratic Republic of Congo . Videos would start , buffer for up to half an hour , and then start again . One kid could be online at a time , if they were lucky . In Europe . In 2014 . Teachers and students alike were frustrated . Teachers were concerned that their kids would be behind when they moved up to higher levels and were sharing classrooms with kids from other areas that had access to these resources . A company went in over the Easter holiday break and fixed things up for them , so now everything works at what seems like lightning speed . The teachers are happy . The kids are happy . Story 3 : There 's a town called Arklow , south of Dublin on the east coast of the country that has been waiting for their water treatment plant for 15 years . That means that all during the Celtic Tiger years , this was a planned project and it never got done . From what I have read , not much of anything got done during those years , except the enrichment of a few individuals . For the very first time in the country 's history , they were not poor and could have used their wealth for the betterment of everyone by updating aging infrastructure and building things that would have been a benefit to the community . Instead , greedy people took as much as they could while government and banking officials drove the country off a cliff . Meanwhile , near Arklow , raw sewage is still being dumped into the river . In Europe . In 2014 . Story 4 : Eurovision is apparently a big thing in these parts and has been around for decades . I had heard of Eurovision in passing - - probably from the BBC or something . I was vaguely aware that it was a song contest . Last week I learned that it has been around since tPosted by Monday , May 12 , 2014I find that I am starting to really look forward to and enjoy Sundays . It is nice to get up knowing that there 's nowhere in particular we have to go or anything in particular that we have to do . For the past couple of Sundays , we 've spent hours reading the paper and then books , drinking coffee , and in the evening , listening to the radio ( me ) or watching a DVD ( Bill ) . This Sunday , we also spent a few minutes looking at the view from the sitting room window . This morning we walked over to the Country Market on Main St to get a 10 kg bag of red potatoes , which are called " rooster potatoes " here . We were the only customers in the place and the guy greeted us with a " Hello ! Nice soft day today , isn 't it ? " I have no idea what a soft day is , but I nodded and agreed with him . I made a comment about there being something for everyone - - rain one minute and sunshine the next . He declared that everyone had had enough rain by now . He was wrong , but I didn 't contradict him . I quite enjoy the fact that there 's a bit of grey sky and at least some sprinkles most days . Rather than carry the bag of potatoes to the counter to pay , I said , " I 'll take a bag of these . " He replied , " OK , a bag of roosters , then . " Of course the image that sprang into my head was of someone trying to stuff a bunch of roosters into a bag . I paid him without laughing at that image , got the potatoes into my big backpack and off we went . I 've mentioned that on weather reports they often predict " fresh " winds . Apparently , in addition to the possibility of winds being fresh and days being soft , days can also be fresh . We met our neighbor across the deck coming up the stairs last week and when we got to the top of the stairs she said , " Lovely , fresh day , isn 't it ? " Yup . She also told Bill and me at separate times to be sure to go and hang out on the deck on fine days . I am quite enjoying learning the ways the same language is used differently : - ) We took a nice long walk today after coming home , dropping off the potatoes , and having some lunch . We started to head toward the road we came into town on when I had to stop and recover from my distress at seeing the unfortunate abundance of apostrophes on the sign for the restaurant - - LOL . I never understand why no one proofreads such things before they give the final approval for the sign to be printed . Happily for them , the large sign they have attached to the wall of the building and which says exactly the same thing , does not contain such mistakes . After that unhappy interlude , we walked on until the sidewalk ran out and then we took a right because there was still sidewalk on that road - - at least for a while . It was amazing how quiet things seemed just a kilometre from the town center . We walked a little bit further once the sidewalk ended , but the road was curved and there was no shoulder , so no safe place to walk with the cars zooming around like they do . Almost everyday brings another report on the radio about someone who has died in a traffic accident of some sort - - often people run right into walls . Sometimes it 's pedestrians or bicyclisIt seems we have a 4th address ! We got mail last week and again today with an extra line on the address that we hadn 't seen before . So we are up to 4 possible variations now that we know can be used - - one street or another or various combinations . No sign of any Internet connection here and we move into working day 12 of our 5 - 10 working day wait . I suggested to Bill that we tell Eircom to forget it and go look into pay - as - you - go smartphones that will allow us to do basic web stuff . We can go to the library for other things . We have had enough anecdotal evidence to tell us that we can assume that even if service is ever available at home , it will be unreliable . The idea of paying for it and essentially rewarding the company for crappy service bugs me a lot . I just finished a book in which the author mentioned an ad run by the Fine Gael party during the elections in ( I think ) 2002 . In the ad they said the Celtic Tiger should more appropriately be named the Celtic Snail . I can attest to the fact that the Celtic Snail is alive and well ! ! It 's a little scary - - we actually got stuff done yesterday . Not started , not " we 've done what we can do and now we wait , " but actually finished ! Yay ! After calling the doctor 's office several times and getting a busy signal or no answer , Bill tried again this morning . This time there was a live person on the other end who gave him an appointment for noonish today . It was like , " Wait . Wait . Wait . NOW ! " So off to the office we went . We sat in the waiting room until it was Bill 's turn and he went into the surgery ( examination room ) while I went to wait outside . It was getting stuffy in there and there was some crappy music blaring from the radio . I leaned against the stone wall , took the book out of my backpack and read in the fresh air . Bill was only in there for about 10 minutes , but in that time , the sky went from grey , to bright , to black . It was nice and breezy and it misted for a few minutes . The INR test is done using a machine right in the doctor 's office with the results available immediately . In Maine , he went to the lab at the hospital and the results were sent to the nurse in the doctor 's office , who called him with the results . There are other differences here - - Bill got a booklet to keep track of his readings and dosage . He 'd been keeping his own in a document on his computer anyway , but this makes it easier to bring in when going for a test , I guess . The doctor also said that the medication is called by different names here and the available dosages are different . This is not something we have to worry about now , since he got all his refills before he left , so has a supply for now . He was in range , so all was well and now we have some time before the next test is supposed to happen . Glad this one 's done ! Yay ! We received the paperwork regarding Bill 's social security info update from the embassy day before yesterday . The guy had filled out practically everything and all Bill had to to was add a few numbers , sign and date . We mailed that back today . Another task completed ! Yay ! We sOver the weekend , I listened to stuff on RTE Radio 1 and a few of the shows were funded with the TV license fee . It seems amusing that the TV fee goes to fund radio shows , but it 's OK with me ! From what I can tell , they 've been cracking down on people who do not pay their TV license fee , which can be done at the post office . They even send inspectors around to check on homes where people have not paid the fee to see whether there 's a TV . The previous tenant left his letter behind . The TV inspector is welcome here anytime for a cup of tea and a look around - - LOL . I have turned the TV stand that was here sideways and am using it as an end table ( or side table as they call it here ) next to the couch . It 's covered with doilies . I haven 't listened to as much radio this week as I have been because some stuff isn 't on and I am not interested in the book they 're doing this week . I did listen to the arts show on Monday night . They were talking about a biennial exhibit in Limerick and it was mentioned a few times that it 's good that it 's in Limerick and not Dublin . I had to laugh - - it 's just like the kind of thing we 'd hear about Anchorage when we lived in Fairbanks and Portland when we lived in Klamath Falls . Those big cities get everything - - LOLHave a great weekend ! Before we started selling some stuff , giving away a bunch more , and packing up the little bit that was left , we started looking on Daft . ie for possible places to rent in Ireland . For no particular reason , except that it felt right , I knew that I wanted to stay in the west of Ireland , and Bill 's grandparents were from there , we narrowed things down to Galway and environs . Bill started looking at listings on Christmas Day . I was trying to not think about what was coming - - I generally like being in a new place , but not the prep work required to get there . We had just found out a few days earlier that the company Bill was working for would probably be sold and at that point , we had no idea what our timetable would be beyond the last day of work for the old company , which would be February 11 . I wanted to forget the uncertainty until after the holidays , but as always , Bill was eager to do something to get the process rolling , so Daft . ie it was . He looked at a bunch of listings and we had no clue where they were , so there was googling and looking at the map we had on the wall in the bedroom trying to get some sense of things - - especially whether a place was on a bus route ! Thus began his regular visits to the site and he started his " saved listings " list , which changed as some listings were not renewed , a few were rented , we removed some and added others . Sometime in February or March , he added County Mayo to the search and discovered that there were nicer places available for less money there . Since it didn 't matter to us , we kept Counties Mayo and Galway in the search and places from each in the saved listings . When we got to within a week of our departure , we contacted a couple of people about their listings . These were individuals and not letting agents . We thought we might be able to set up appointments to look at the places they had available ( and had had available for some time , because the site tells you how long a place has been listed and what the price history is ) and plan our days accordingly . No one rAt the end of the day , we discovered that we had several listings in Ballinrobe and a couple of nearby towns and all of them were listed by the same agent . We looked into Ballinrobe . At this point , our requirements were few - - decent grocery store , bus service , and small apartment / house / whatever . Ballinrobe had those things , so we decided that the best thing would be to call the letting agent on Monday morning and go from there . We would try to make an appointment to meet with her and look at places . Because we were not fussy , we figured one of them would be adequate . The point was to find a place where we could unpack the suitcases , have an address , get stuff done , like bank account , social security change of address , and all that kind of stuff , and then start hopping on a bus to various places so we could see what other places are like . At first we wanted to rush out and adopt 4 - legged - furry people from the nearest shelter , so we were looking at places where they were allowed , but Bill said maybe we should wait until we were more settled and I agreed . That turned out to be the right call . Anyway , the agent called us back on the Monday and we spent the day playing phone tag , but at the end of the day , we had an appointment for the following afternoon . We had little time because we had to catch the bus back to Galway , but we looked at a couple of places , chose this one , filled out the application , gave her a deposit , and left . It all took about half an hour . Had she not called us back , we had other agents with multiple listings to call in other towns . The point was that our week in the BnB was up that Thursday and while I loved the place , was quite comfortable there , and would 've gladly paid up for another week , I knew that from a cost - effectiveness standpoint , rent would be better . Plus we could get going on all of those practical life details if we had an address . When I called the agent and left her a message , I came right out and said that we wanted to rent something quickly and we were quite sure that one ofWe know that we will probably not stay here longer than a year . The lease is up in about 11 months and I expect we will be moving on at that time . There is the pet issue , for one thing . We could find a place here where we could have pets , no doubt . We might even be able to ask the landlord to allow it . But once we got here and had a chance to breathe , we started talking about what we wanted . This is perfect for now - - it 's a great spot for us to get acclimated to the way things are done here . I love the flat - - it was great to get a place within a week of arriving in the country . Now we have some time to really think about what we want longer term and to look for it . We both agree that we would prefer to be in a more rural area . We want to be able to hike with our future dogs . This is always my issue - - I like the services available in larger places ( like good libraries ) but I don 't care much for living in urban areas - - I tend to get a mild agitation even in smaller urban spaces . I would hate to live in Galway City , and that 's not even a big city . Everything I have read about Dublin makes it sound rather hellish to me , but I suppose I will find myself there at some point as a tourist for a day , although I would never seek to live anywhere near there . It 's just not my thing . When we lived in Fairbanks we lived on 3 acres in the woods , just north of town , and I liked that . Harder to do that kind of thing without a vehicle , though , and of course , one would have to go into such a situation with no expectation of good services and stuff like that . I am getting acclimated to the latter issue here and as for the transportation , we are thinking about looking into getting bikes to solve that problem . Obviously a bike wouldn 't allow us to live in the middle of nowhere , but it would give us more flexibility and we could live further outside of town if we had bikes . So we will look into getting bikes and taking bike maintenance and repair classes . That is another thing we can do here . The timing is great , too . We 're getPosted by Monday , May 5 , 2014It 's quite windy this bank holiday ! We are still trying to translate some of what we hear on the radio and in the weather forecasts . So this morning , the forecast was for wind which would start out " moderate to fresh " and then ramp up to " strong and gusty . " It has done exactly that , but we are still trying to figure out exactly what a fresh wind is - - given the way it 's been used in the past , I thought it was the same as strong . Must be between moderate and strong , though . We have also had " persistent rain , " which has now become " showery rain , " although no sign here of the " thundery rain " so far . There are many kinds of rain . It 's been a lovely weekend in many ways . After a few days of warm and sunny weather last week , the skies turned grey and it got cooler . It has rained off and on for the past three days . It 's been exactly my kind of weather ! Friday was grey with no rain and we went out walking . We were coming home from our errands when instead of turning right onto the street that would take us home , I said , " I wonder where this road leads , " and we went straight to find out . We didn 't go all the way down the road , but cut down a side street , thus discovering a new way to get to Tesco , finding a hardware store , and discovering the bike shop . We are considering getting bikes , but I 've said that if we do that I want to take a class in bike maintenance and repair . Now we know where the shop is , we can go there and see if they have such classes . We went into Tesco on a hunt for Altoids - - Bill is just about down to his last tin and he likes to have them in his backpack when walking . There are apparently no Altoids to be found in this area , but we found a reasonable facsimile in Tesco extra strong mints . They come in rolls and not tins and they are larger , but they will work ! On the way out , a lady with a netbook asked if we 'd do a short survey about Tesco , so we did . At the end , she asked if we lived in Ballinrobe ( which is pronounced with the emphasis on the " robe " part - - as in BallinRObe ) and where we 're from . We told her . She assumed we had relations here and we told her we didn 't . She assumed we 'd been here before and we told her we hadn 't . She seemed surprised and then said , " Well , everyone 's leaving and going to America . It 's nice to see people coming the other way for a change ! " We were just about at the corner where we live when a guy walking in the opposite direction lifted his had in greeting . I expected a " Hello " or a " How ye ? " Instead , the guy stopped , greeted us , introduced himself as David , and started talking to us about how we ended up in Ballinrobe ! He knew exactly where we live and On Saturday we went out in a misty rain to get the Weekend Irish Times and pick up a few sale items at Super Valu . Other than that , we 've stayed at home . I read all my library books , ending with the nice , big , mindless novel I grabbed last week . It was a bit over 600 pages , so was long enough to keep me entertained for a few hours . I saved it for last , thinking it would be just the thing with which to spend some time on a quiet weekend - - and it was ! I read the first 2 / 3 of it yesterday between lunch and supper and finished it off this morning between breakfast and lunch . Bill finished up his own big novel , which he purchased a couple of weeks ago at the charity shop . We will either donate it back there or to the library . He 's now reading another book he found in the charity shop about Nelson Mandela . I am not sure yet what will be next up for me . We 've drunk tea , read , listened to the radio , and I have crocheted and listened to podcasts . I am feeling quite good and very relaxed . Bill isn 't as stressed as he was last week . He still wants his internet connection , but we did get something in the mail which indicates that we are in the system , so perhaps someday things will work out ! He also made fast progress with regard to the info update he needed to do with the people from Social Security . He had to do that through the embassy in Dublin , so Thursday when we were at the library , after we had to keep reconnecting ( computer restarts and troubleshooting gave us a few minutes at a time ) , he was able to copy and paste a letter into an email and send it . He had provided his email address , phone number and one of the mailing addresses , hoping that someone would contact him using one of those methods . The guy called within the hour and papers are supposedly on their way . It was good to end the week and begin the weekend - - feeling like some progress had been made ! It seems that , just like Memorial Day weekend in the US , this May bank holiday weekend is the unofficial start of summer here . It 's staying light a bit later every day - - it was 9 : 45 last night and even with the clouds , it wasn 't completely dark . It 's not as extreme as Fairbanks was , but it does remind us of how far north we are , even if the weather is moderated by the Atlantic Ocean . It 's raining again . That 's what I call a GREAT start to summer ! ! ! Wednesday , April 30 . 2014I have learned that Monday is another bank holiday here . I am not sure whether this means that the library will be closed on Saturday as they were last bank holiday weekend or whether that was specific to the Easter bank holiday . In any case , here are some odds and ends to end the week . It is a good thing that Bill and I have been losing it in tag team style . When we first arrived and started having all of these hassles , I was the one who was miserable and angry . I 'd had enough of the process and just wanted to start living my boring , quiet life again . I was tired of scheduling my days around the opening hours of the library . I was tired of the need to go there , come home and charge the battery , and go back so Bill could work on stuff . I was tired of everything taking so much longer than it needed to take because we do not have internet access - - everything is more complicated . I was sick of the whole thing . Then I read about stuff and learned about the nonsensical things that have happened in the past and it all started to make sense . Even the weird questions we got at the bank become understandable when you learn - - as Bill did in a book he was reading about scandals in Ireland - - that once upon a time , some guy in the government made it so that if people " invested " enough money , they could have an Irish passport . Many of the people who did so were from the Middle East . Now the questions the woman at the bank had to answer about whether we were from a risky country or even a high risk country and whether she was doing this as a face - to - face encounter make perfect sense . There is a woman who lives around here - - down the street from us somewhere - - who wears the coolest headscarf . I love it ! The first time we saw her , we were looking out the sitting room window and saw her walking down the street pushing a stroller . She was in the shade and then she walked into the sunshine and all the little spangly things hanging from the black fabric burst into rainbows from her head . We saw her again yesPosted by

his mind sweeping the room , and he sat down , hard , on the recliner . Within minutes , he was asleep . His head leaned back , his mouth parted , " Oh … everything . Nothing . Logic . Yourself . " He waved his hand away . " It doesn 't matter . We 've said all we had to say in your DNA . " recorder , and got up and left the room . He didn 't know what it was for , but he could probably guess . The aliens must have wanted him to recite mother wore a blue party dress , and his father , Sin Sahn , wore a red suit . He thought it was ugly . " My boy , can 't Ellin , a human being , wanted to end his life . His name was Maruc Kerin Andon , and he was fifty - three years old . He had brown eyes and brown hair and he lived Ariel Chance , and he had blonde , curly hair , and pointed ears . He was two hundred years old . He said they had found a planet that was made the doorknob and the door swung open , inward . The door creaked when it opened . He scuffed his feet on the carpet in the doorway , and went through , down few minutes for Maruc to realize the computer thought he was the intruder . He reached over and flicked it off . He rummaged through the scientist 's desk , and pulled out a map and several files , tucked it into his shirt . He went down the stairs . It was nice and quiet . He hadn 't had a lot of peace and quiet . His mind was in a muddle . Where could the scientist be ? Last week 's mail was on the table in the " We have to protect him , " King Herod muttered . He didn 't like the sound of it , himself . The words were foreign on his tongue , and he tried to grasp his mind around it - around the infinite . He didn 't know what he was going to do about the war , didn 't want tobother thinking about it or their current situation . He only knew the kingdoms surrounding Hanover wanted to fight him , and he had been forced to comply . He shuddered , thinking what Derrin Whitevest would have done if he 'd had the dagger in his hand . He didn 't want to think about it . He was a good enough soldier , but he wasn 't the best . " We 're walking into the dawn , " the soldier intoned . His face was set in stone , and his eyes were drawn in tight little slits . He looked over at the sleeping body of Ellerhynwyn Monteserrio , the man they were supposed to protect . He wasn 't too happy about the current events . He didn 't like Ellerhynwyn , and wanted him to suffer . Badly . He had scraped himself on their walk from Tempal to Honwrin , and he was chuckling to himself about it still . He didn 't think he could do anything about their current situation , except like it and lump it and maybe things will work out again on their own . He hoped so . He felt he didn 't have a time line . He never consulted his commanding officer , Rivurus Snower , and was upset about how demanding their time was . They only cared about one thing - which was gaining compensation for their losses . They had lost a lot . Mond Itlet lost his entire house in a fire ; and his three brothers and sisters and his parents were missing , presumed dead . That was a lot to lose . That wasn 't much to gain , either . He swallowed hard and stared at the rising sun , contemplating their next move . He was sure Elven soldiers were on their trail , seeking them out to kill them . He didn 't like it . Didn 't like the looks of it . Not anymore . " We should go home , " he said to Raven Crest . He looked bored . He was a superb soldier , born and bred of Ikeinenian descent , and lived in Hanover most of his life . Ikein was an ancient countRaven wasn 't listening . He stared straight ahead , trying to contemplate the rashness of their defeat . The heaviness of what they were trying to accomplish . Peace and stability in Hanover and abroad , if possible , which it most likely wasn 't . He swallowed a mouthful of beer and handed it to Ellerhynwyn . Ellerhynwyn smiled and took the drank , grateful for it . " Thanks , " he told him . " Not again , " Railan Lenkr groaned , and shook his head . " What are you doing , Rail ? You trying to get yourself killed again ? " He scowled and put his face in his hands and looked up at the rising sun . It was morning . He and his commanding soldiers walked all night , and had finally reached Inen Isle , the territory between the Western Front and the Lanin Borders , before the Elven territory . He hated thinking about the Elves . They were so creepy . They enjoyed killing people for sport , as well as animals and humans . They hated humans with a passion . He 'd read once , a long time ago , before the airship was invented , that humans and Elves lived in peace and harmony - yeah , right . That was a good one . Humans and Elves were never going to cooperate ; never going to share ; and they certainly didn 't care to like each other . He reached up and felt the knob on his head and made a face and scowled . He should have used magic to take down the tanker - he had magic , and was able to use it . He knew he wasn 't supposed to , but nobody followed the rules . Nobody knew where magic came from , or what they were supposed to do with it , only that it caused a lot of useless problems and trauma and nothing could be done about the wars . Most wars sprang from magic . The wizard walked down the road and looked back at the cart that was snaking its way behind him , as if being pushed along the ground by itself . Railan Lenkr had been walking all day and he was getting tired - he needed some serious downtime and didn 't want to think about anything else other than relaxing , and food . Food was first and foremost on his mind and he wanted to find a restaurant or a pub The Elder frowned . " What kind of wizard ? " he asked hastily . The term was frowned upon in the Western Kingdoms , specifically Hanover , Redder , and Journ . He looked confused . His eyebrows scrunched up . " Well , what do you mean by that ? " " What I mean is , " he said impatiently , " what kind of wizard are you ? Are you a White Wizard , or a Dark Wizard ? " The stranger shrugged nonchalantly . " A long time ago , before Murdock was born , I was in a battle . That is how I got the scar underneath my eye . " He pointed to the scar . The Elder frowned and nodded and urged him to continue . " I woke up in the hospital . Nothing else happened before or since - I have seen doctors and healers . No one has been able to heal me . I couldn 't even remember my own name , and changed it to Railan Lenkr . " He shrugged and ran a hand through his thick , curly hair . He had dyed it brown . It was blonde before . " I don 't know . I guess , seventeen years . " " What are you going to do with your magic ? " She was curious . She 'd had a dream about it before and consulted the healer , Heriana Kessler , and hadn 't brought back the best results . She was broad - shouldered and powerful and had a list of powerful enemies , including King Herod . There was a story behind the hatred , but no one knew what it was , only that it involved magic and the Bloodstone . " It 's a term used by people who are gifted in telepathy , and can connect the bridge between the subconsciousness and the consciousness and make memories whole again . In other words , amnesia no more . " He spread his hands and smiled . She nodded . " I guess I can see where you are coming from , although I do not like it or understand it . I have never been in the hospital . " That night , the stranger left , carrying his wagon behind him and making his way slowly down the trail . The dust swirled around his feet and the sun was getting lower and lower in the sky . Shadows loomed over him and goosebumps rose up and down his flesh and he didn 't know what he was looking for , only that he was looking straight ahead , towards home , and he was going by himself . He hated traveling alone . He didn 't have any reason to be anywhere , other than for food and board and nobody helped , not even at the Tower of High Sorcery . The light was going lower and lower in the sky and everything around him was cold and dark , and he felt naked and alone . He 'd heard werewolves dwelled in the woods and the woods were caught in rims against the setting sun . The sun was a bursting ball of fire . The wizard was afraid of everything , and the Dark Magic made him bad . He was a terrible liar . He lied about everything from what he had for breakfast that morning , to how much money he had in the bank . He was not someone who could defend the good guys from the bad . He was not someone to look up to - in fact , he was a terrible person and he had his terrible ways and the terrible ways he looked about things . His hair was scraggly . His mind was unfocused . He had trouble misusing things . He had trouble speaking his mind . He was caught up in the web of grief that wrapped around his face and made him gasp for breath , made him think he was beyond anything that was what he knew . Death was not like that . Death was sudden , still . Stiller than breath , than the eyes that could see . Stiller than everything in the deep dark despair that was everywhere and in everything . The heart of the matter was this . Things were gone . Everything was broken . Death was continual . Nothing else but death . The pain was unhealing . Nothing could stop the pain . It went on and on and on , in his mind . He sat on a bench at the train depot , thinking . He was going to go . He was going to go to war . He had not been called to war - the war had called to him . He had nowhere else to go . His mother threw him out of the house and he was left with nothing but a bag of things and the clothes on his back . He had a hundred pense and that would last him awhile , but not long enough to last forever . He needed something that would last forever - something to sate the hunger that gnawed deep inside of him and forced him to change , to succeed . Everything in it had transcended . Everything in it was eventual . His mind was made up . He was going to go to war . It would not be the same kind of war . It was a war of magic . War of magic was different from a regular war . " How often do you use Dark Magic ? " the man in the black hat asked , cocking his head to study the Dark Elder . He was really very interested in the subject of Dark Magic . He bragged about it to a man in the white booth . He was slurping on his soup . The storm outside was growing . More clouds formed . He was afraid for the dragons . Humans offered them houses , large houses by the sea , but they refused , saying their wings were much too large to be indoors . They shed a lot , and the scales were large , massive things . Damsel the Impaler helped wherever she could , but she was devoted to the unicorns who saved her in her time of need . The need was no longer there , save for her desire to protect them . Unicorns were very rare . Dragons were much more stable in their breeding and bred whenever it was possible . There were over four hundred in the kingdom alone . He chuckled . " Every chance I get , " he replied . He shrugged , fiddled with his robe . " I don 't know , " he muttered . " I use it to help me . " He didn 't like talking about magic . It set him apart . He was afraid it would set him apart too much . He shrugged . " I was expelled once , " he answered . " Expelled from college - they never let me back in . I went to the Tower of High Sorcery . Everyone was very nice to me . I was taught under by a man named Mortard Fulgorth . He had big ears and a jittery laugh . He was nervous . " " How so ? " The stranger 's name was Adward Liersen . " He was afraid of everything , " he replied , frowning . " One of the Elders say he was struck by lightning - it gave him a start . He never wanted to go outside . Stayed inside , playing with his magic cards . " He was really interested . " What can his magic cards do ? " he queried . He was boiling an egg on the stove . The water was boiling over . He took the pan off the oven , and took out the eggs and peeled them in the sink . He always said peeling eggs was a lot like peeling a potato . It was night . The Dark Elder spent the night . He told the man he would have bad dreams - he caught sight of magic outside his house . The man did not know he was gifted in magic . The magic was interesting , and it whirled around him in sheets . A clap of thunder . Snow fell through the trees and sheltered them . It was cold . The wind was cold and it was sharp at their backs and the winter made everything even colder . They hunched over the wind , their hair flew wildly , looking like a bird 's nest . Everybody was ecstatic about the start of winter , but Savinn Asjinn was more worried than excited . He expected it would be a long one . A long one , and full of coldness and darkness . In the kingdom of Flowers , the winters were dark ; the cold got inside of a person and made people wince . No one knew why . Or where the sun went . Everyone expected it was magic . Some people thought the winter was Dark Magic . Most of the ones who did were illiterate . " I think I 'm going to go over there . " " Over the hills , " he said , " near the trees . I want to build a fire . " The soldier took off running ; he tripped and fell over a stone . He bent to pick it up ; it glowed . His eyes widened . He could not stop staring at the glowing . It glowed from within . The glow came from magic , probably . Or something close to magic . He dropped the stone in his pocket and forgot about it . He was thinking about food , and of war . War was always on his mind . War was a travesty . War was a burden . War was something he did not want to discuss with the world . He swallowed hard . War was terrible . That much he knew was true . A blast shook the entire world . Edward Neilson craned his neck to look up at the sky , a puzzled expression on his face . Where had it come from ? It was strange , how everything seemed to turn chaotic when everything had been at peace moments before . He swallowed hard . Were they at war ? At school , there had been talk of war . At home , the house had been tense , silent . No room for free thought . It was becoming very problematic . He stroked his beard in silence . He didn 't know what to do about the war . War was a terrible waste of everything . A terrible waste of time . A terrible waste of money . A terrible waste of everything . Another blast . Someone near him screamed - he turned to look , and it was Wilson Cramwell , the man who twice saved his life . He had gone down . He reached for him - his body reached out for him and then the man 's fingers was still . A gasp shook through him . He reeled outside of himself , trying to think of something , anything . To get himself out of the situation . He shook his head . He didn 't know what to do to help anyone . Magic was the only thing that ever helped . " What do you mean , I 've been stripped of my Wizard Title ? " Ellerhynwyn Monteserrio stared at King Herod , a shocked expression on his face . " I can 't believe it 's happening to me ! " He shook his head to clear away the cobwebs that sprang up in his mind . He still had the matter of his sprained ankle to attend to - a lot of the skin had been cleared off , and even bone was shown underneath . It happened late last night , while he was asleep in his camp . No one knew it was coming , not even the seer they hired - Kerianna . She insisted she was mostly a healer , and had been good to her word . She was a kind woman . A soft - spoken woman and had black hair and brown eyes and a nervous smile , the smile twitched the corner of her mouth and even her eyes smiled . She was a one in a million healer , but even she could not heal the wound in his heart . He swallowed hard . He was going to have to consult a White Elder - one of the hierarchs at the Tower of HHe was puzzled . " I thought you said they hated magic , " he protested . His leg was starting to go numb . He couldn 't leave yet . Not without all of his questions answered , and his heart was heavy in his mind . Savinn stumbled into the doorway of the restaurant . Faces looked up at him . Then back down at their dinners . Conversation was hushed and muted ; no one wanted to talk about the winter that would not leave , the winter that seemed to last forever . " What is that thing ? " Savinn Asjinn demanded placidly . " It 's called the Bloodstone , " the stranger replied softly . " Why is it called that ? " He shrugged . " I thought it was a great thing . A lady came , and I didn 't want it anymore . I want to spend more time with the lady . I need someone to take it off my hands , but I can 't give it away . " " Why can 't you give it away ? " Savinn demanded , his eyes hungry . He licked his lips . " Because it was forbidden . The magic would leave if I did . Or , it would turn into Dark Magic - I forgot which . " He frowned . " Whatever . " The daemon lived in the mountains and the mountain was made of snow . He was a terrible thing to look at . He had sharp features ; a slanted nose ; wide forehead ; and green scales that glittered like diamonds or the stars at night . The stars rose overhead and they were vast as the ocean . The daemon did not like humans . He loathed them , with a fierce loathsome foreboding that wrapped around himself and forced him to behave in a way that was both malicious and rude . The trees were large ; everything around it was large . The daemon lived in a great , big castle all by himself . He did not want to live there . He wanted to be free and live among the humans ; because of his birthright , it was denied of him . The wind whistled and blew and everything was around it ; and the wind whistled and sang . He loved to eat and went to the river and fished in the river and the river was full of fish . The spider found a pole - he always seemed to find everything almost instantly - and winced and dropped the pole into the river and tried to catch a fish . He could not catch anything . He did not want to go down to the city , for someone would see him and he did not want to be seen . Everything around him was deathly still . So still , he could not breathe - his eyes blinked , flashed madly . Everything was perfect . Perfect and still . The snow fell . The wind whistled . His mouth opened and he sang : Look for the shadow of the silhouette . The Power of the Six protected Merlin for several thousand millennia - beyond the grain of sand , of wind and rain and lightning , the world spun and the magic spun with it ; delved short of nothing of the cold that was in it . The magic delved further into the heart of things ; further into the greatness that was the abyss , and made up of everything . Further than the eyes of Torn ; the breath of speak ; the light that wove through anything . Everything was shattered . Everything was in ruin . The man stood among the ruins , his hands stuffed deep in the pocket of his jeans . He looked ready to bolt from the spot at any minute . He grunted . The wind grunted back . " Well , old gal , " he told the krying spider . " What are we to do with you ? " " Feed , " the spider said pitifully , and skittered under his feet . He forgot to mention he was terrified of spiders . Beyond terrified . He wanted to kill it . He remained calm . The spider 's eyes reflected sincerity ; depthness ; intelligence . He had seen spiders before . Spiders were not intelligent . " Why do we call it krying , anyway ? " he continued , his lips trying to part into an almost half smile , the smile of something that had never wavered , had never been worn - the danger was in it all , was in everything . The danger was everywhere . He could smell it . Could smell the way everything was . Everything could be . " Why not have a different spelling ? A different sort of spelling in the name , the way the name is shaped . The way it is . " The man laughed . His laughter rolled across the dust and the spider winced . He was afraid , he feared man , as well as everything else . Everything was to be feared . He did not know why he was afraid ; only that it comforted him , and he wanted the man to go away . He said it aloud . He rose to his feet and nodded . " I 've come this far , and seen ghosts , " he told him . " I saw many ghosts . " " Why 'd you call me that ? " the spider asked sharply . His name was Harper . He was a harpist . He was an orphan and had been living in the Red Plains his entire life ; it was nowhere near the Great Plains , but the Red Plains were close by . Harper loved to sing . He loved to fiddle . He could do almost anything . He squinted down at the krying spider . " How many of you are there left ? " he asked pleasantly enough , and very , very quietly . The spider sniffed . " I don 't right know , " he apologized . " I only know of cold ; of loneliness ; of the mind and body . That is all . " " Very funny . " The krying spider rolled over on himself . And straightened . " What was that for ? " Harper couldn 't stop laughing . His insides were tickling . He hoped the krying spider hadn 't drugged him with something from the river . That would be just like him . " Nothing , " the spider protested . " I was just … rolling over . I do that sometimes . " If the spider could blush , he sure would have . The night was cold . The man went away and the spider crawled into its little home , and slept ; and the stars broke out , full and beautiful , in the sky ; and everything was bright . The color of brightness was everywhere . The color of brightness was inside everything . Everything was still . The man woke up in the middle of the night , his dreams sharp as a tack . The dragon rose tall as the mountains - the mountains were tall above it , and the wind was sharp and whistled and the man was sure the Great Plains were cold as cold as it was now . The dragon 's name was Kustka and he snorted cold air . It was winter . He had no trouble finding shelter - caves were all over the place - but he wanted one that was close to a river . He scanned the landscape , the rolling hills that rose and fell against the sky , and the sky was breathtaking and the sun was falling , fell fast . It was going to be night soon . Harper tried to find the krying spider the next morning and the hole he scurried out of was empty - empty and void and lifeless and dark , that was how it looked from where Harper stood . He went into one of the other rooms and saw a golden horn on the table . He picked up the golden horn and blew through it , and the noise was long and low and loud , and had a sweet sound . A sweet sound emitted from it and into the atmosphere . The atmosphere was dark and dank and black . He needed to leave . His job was running - he was a runner . A runner was someone who delivered messages . He very rarely delivered postal mail ; that was for some of the other runners , but not for him . Everything was white as snow . The snow tumbled down into everything ; the everyt " Do you want the talisman ? " Savinn Asjin asked quietly . He stood with his shoulders hunched against the cold wind . He shivered . He could not see beyond ten feet ahead of him ; the darkness was sharp and the wind was bitter . Everything seemed out of place . He didn 't belong here . It made him uncomfortable . " No , " Sebastian Montserrio answered shortly , and shook his head . " I don 't want it . What are you to steal it ? " He glared at him , his eyes lowered . " I did not steal it ! " he protested . " I … won it . From a card game . " He clutched the talisman in his hand ; rolled it around and around . It shimmered in the darkness . Something tingled in the back of his mind ; Sebastian ignored it , refused to acknowledge it . The cold swept around it in the north and everything was still , stiller than breath . Stiller than anything . The Dark Knight galloped on his midnight black horse through the forest called Evernight Forest ; the darkness was deep and concerting and everything around it flickered in an ash of grayness . The bladesman knew he would come . He was a blacksmith ; one of the last ones out in the Boonicks , the place beyond the West and the Shadow Kingdom , the place of moon and night , light and sunlight . He had never been there . He wished to seek ale out further than he had intended . His mind was made up . He would fight them . They were coming over the prairie ; slowly ; he could see them through his window . What he wouldn 't do for magic right about now . Magic was in his blood ; he never could do magic , and his grandfather tried to teach him the coin trick . " You , sir , " the Dark Knight spat . " What are you doing here ? " He clenched and unclenched his fists . The knuckles turned white . " Warming my hands by the fire , " he answered , straightening . " Why ? " Before a second passed , the Dark Knight reached forward , and swiped the man with his steel blade , sent him sprawling into the trees . A second or two passed . The moon peaked behind forbidden clouds . The wind moaned stolidly . Everything was quiet and dark and silent . The Dark Knight straightened his muscular shoulders ; his eyes flashed . His tongue flickered in and out . He turned and stormed into the trees , screaming Denya 's name . Denya loped through the tall , green grass . The wind whispered past the broken night ; hunger gnawed at her , night and day . She was grateful for the moon . It lit her way . She was grateful for the dark , staring stars and the animals . She could sense their blood from where she stood . Her master , Andalei , had killed a doe , and had fled the trees so she could eat the meat in private . Flies were going to get at it soon . Denya wanted to have the food all to herself . A squirrel dove through the brush ; she growled at it , and sliced at it with her paw . Denya was not a magical creature . She was a werewolf . One of the last of her … prey . No , her kind . She was one of the last of her kind , and her Daemon Master , Donica , required her to mate . She was susceptible to all the Dark Things that were coming to pass ; the wind and the rain and the light and the fire , and the void mixed in it . Denya knelt next to the meat . The prey had been torn to shreds with a blade ; Denya nodded in satisfaction , and bent down to eat it . Fangs protruded , bright and white , from her lips ; spit fell from her lips and dropped to the ground and it was wet and the wetness coated her fur . leans over , picks it up by its legs , and tosses it in her bag . She squints and looks up at the sky . ) Drat , it looks like rain ! I better head inside ! Palm trees , I think they are , and their leaves wave in the wind . Tell me , o potter , where do you go ? I haven 't found a way out of the long mile . Here I go . It was the last day of school and I had been prepared for it . I had my pens and my notebook tucked under my arm as I walked into James Madison Junior High School for the last time - at least , for the last time I was going to be a sixth grader , unless I hadn 't passed the ninth grade , which I think I did , even if my grades were usually a C average . It wasn 't my fault . I didn 't have good jeans - most of them had holes in them because my family was poor , and we usually ate beans for breakfast , lunch , and dinner . We couldn 't afford the fancy meals . My father was dead and my mother was a singer for a small country bar called the Pig 's Barn Inn . It wasn 't really an inn , it was a bed and breakfast deal , and my friends and I were going to have sleepovers there this summer . " What are you doing ? " Mr . Lincoln stuttered . He had a bad stutter that he had acquired in high school , because he was a nerd . I 'm not a nerd , and my friends and I often made fun of him in the hallways between periods . My best friend 's name was Mabel ( it wasn 't her fault ) , and Dennis Short . He was actually very tall , so I don 't know why that was his last name . He had brown hair and brown eyes and spindly legs . His father was a dentist and he had a baby sister named Anna . I didn 't like her . Much . Anyway , the school bell rang and as we went out the door , the teacher handed us our report cards . I looked at mine with a frown in my face and stuffed it into my pocket . I wondered how I was going to break my grades to Mama . Especially math . I loathe math . It was a warm day outside . I shed my jacket and hurried home to our run - down apartment and clambered up the first flight of stairs to the second floor , where our apartment was . I unlocked the door and went inside , where I found Mama struggling with a hair curler . " Mama ! " I said in a shocked whisper . " What are you doing with that thing ? " She looked at me , hair partially falling over her face , and scowled . " What does it look like I 'm doin , ' sugar pie ? I sure ain 't milkin ' a cow ! " " Sure . Whatever . " She sniffed , which meant she didn 't want to talk about it anymore . " Why are you doing that ? " I asked her . " I 'm getting ready to do a solo act tonight , " she replied . " My career is flyin ' off the ground . Soon , we 're going to be rich ! " She threw her head back and laughed . She snorted . " Them teachers sure make lots of money to go where they please , " she muttered . " Not at all like us common folk , who go paycheck by paycheck . " " Effie , you ain 't old enough to work , " she said , laughing . " Now , go on , I 'm busy , hafta finish this before my ride gets here . " She started humming a tune I didn 't know , so I ran down the hallway to my room and flopped on my bed before she asked for my report card . She was busy with other things . Good . I know she was going to ask me about it sometime , but not right now , thank goodness . I laid down on my bed , and started looking at the ceiling . It was a nice ceiling . Pretty soon , I fell asleep . It was around six - oh - clock when my mother woke me up . I squirmed to get away from her bear hug . " Do I have to go ? " I whined . " I don 't like bars . They smell like pee and the men stare at you like they want to eat you right up . " " I can eat cereal . Or soup . " I was desperate to stay at home , even though there was nothing to do , it was better than having my mom watch my every move . Mama and I waited outside for her ride . She kept glancing at her watch and frowning . " He better be here , " she muttered . " Or I 'll never speak to him again ! " She was referring to her boyfriend , Rex . I didn 't like Rex . Much . He had long hair and tattoes and he wasn 't very bright . He flunked out of high school because he was heavy into drugs , which to me meant he was a bad dude . I wish he would leave us alone , but Mama seems to like him . Finally his clunky red truck pulled up to a stop next to the curb . I climbed into the car and sat next to Rex at the wheel . He wasn 't a very good driver and I hoped he didn 't go too fast . Too late . He did anyway . We were at the bar within minutes . " It 's really more of a bed and breakfast deal , " Mama explained while they pulled into a parking lot . " I 've been here before . It 's really quite lovely . " He grinned and chucked her under the chin lightly . " Dear , I can hear you sing any ole time , but this game is only on once in a lifetime . I gotta watch it . " Mama smiled . " I was only kiddin , ' dear . You go watch your game . Sophia and I will be just fine , won 't we , sugarkins ? " I took her hand and dragged her into the inn . I forgot to tell you about the outside . It was large , and overlooked the ocean . The salty smell reached my nostrils while I was outside , talking to Mama and Rex . The inn was four stories high and was painted a light blue . All the windows were open and the curtains fluttered lightly in the wind . We went inside , and was greated with barking by a small brown dog . It looked like a long hot dog to me . " Mama , look at the dog ! " I grabbed her arm and tugged at it . " Stop it ! " she hissed at me . " The manager is coming ! " She smiled her sweet smile as a man wearing a blue suit walked over to her and shook her hand . " You must be Dolly Harper , " he gushed . " I 've heard so much about you ! " He shook his head . " My wife takes care of that , " he explained . " She runs the whole place by herself , and then I get the joy of doing the business side of it . Paying the help and such . " He saw us staring at him , so he continued . " My father , Mr . Burrows , owns the inn . People from all over the country stay here , especially during the summer months because we 're so close to the ocean . I can 't say how happy I am to have you here today , because I have a little treat . Mrs . Carter , the widow of Daniel Carter , is going to stay with us this weekend ! She will hear you sing ! Her car should be arriving shortly . " Mama turned towards me . " She 's a very rich lady , " she explained . " She owns some famous hotels in New York City and Paris , but she prefers to live the quiet life , which is probably why she is coming here . " ( Dad pulls his truck in front of a bar called Sticky 's Grill and Bar . He gets out and shuts the door . The sun is slowly going down over the hills ; he dusts his boots off and enters the bar . It is filled with raucous laughter and the television set is turned to on ; it is on the news channel . Dad sits down at the counter ; it is greasy . A woman with long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail comes up to him with a pad and pencil . ) ( Dad turns his head to watch the news . Ten minutes goes by and the waitress comes back with a plate with a steaming hot steak on it and beer . Dad cuts the steak and stuffs it in his mouth . He 's quiet while he eats . ) Man : I 'm sorry to hear that , sir . Must be hard to lose someone you love . I never lost anybody I loved , except my parents , god rest their souls , and my goldfish , Smartie . Dad : Nice to meet you , Roger . ( He rises to his feet . ) I better get home to my boy . It was nice meetin ' you , Roger . ( Dad turns on the radio . They live in a picturesque three story house with a white picket fence . The living room has two green couches , a tv , a fish tank and a desk . They dance around the room together , the music is light with banter . Later on , Dad goes into the kitchen to make dinner , but the kid still dances , laughing to himself while he does so . ) Kid : Okay , Dad . ( He turns off the radio and goes into the kitchen . It has a table and four chairs , a refrigerator , stove , and sink . The kid sits down at one of the chairs . ) Kid : That 's right . ( He starts shoveling spaghetti into his mouth . He finishes his dinner . Runs upstairs to his room and finishes his homework . Dad comes in after awhile . ) ( Kid tosses and turns in his bed all night . A light flashes by the window . The next morning , Saturday , he wakes up and goes into the living room to watch cartoons on the television set . His father is talking softly on the telephone . ) Kid : When is Grandpa coming over , huh Dad ? Huh ? Huh ? ( He jumps up and down . He can 't help it . He is too excited . ) ( A half an hour later they hear a horn honking outside . Kid runs to the door and flings it open wide . His grandfather , Grandpa Jones , is just exiting his car . ) Dad ( in a warning tone . ) No poker . Grandpa : Fine , fine . I didn 't bring any cards , anyway . They 're at home . Hey , look what I got ! ( He pulls a quarter from behind Maverick 's ear . ) Dad : No giving my kid money , either . He has a big enough allowance as it is , anyway . Let 's go inside . We 're attracting the neighbors ' attention . Dad : You 're right . I completely forgot . It 's still fresh in his mind , like a growing daisy . Kids don 't handle deaths very well . They don 't understand it . ( He stumbles to his feet . ) Let 's go to the carnival ! ( Grandpa , Dad , and the kid pile into the car and drive downtown to where the carnival is being held . The kid rides so many rides until he can 't ride anymore . Dad goes on a few rides , but Grandpa just watches . After riding the rides , Grandpa buys everyone ice cream , and they find a table and sit down . ) ( The day ends . Everyone piles back into the car and they drive home . Grandpa leaves to go back to his own house . The house is now quiet . ) Teacher : If it 's babyish , I don 't want to know about it . ( He smiles at the kid and turns his attention back to the chalkboard . The kid sighs in relief . ) Kid : Maybe he should pay more attention to his school work rather than thinking about girls , he thinks . ( The bell rings ; it is time for lunch . The kid slowly walks to his locker and thrusts his books inside . Then , he grabs his math book and puts it in his backpack . It is very heavy . He has math class after lunch ; he walks slowly down the hallway , grimacing at the weight of the book , and enters the lunch room . Everyone is talking and laughing . He gets in the lunch line and stands on tiptoe to see what they 're having for lunch - he groans . It is sloppy joe , again . He loves sloppy joes , but enough is enough . He grabs a sloppy joe and puts it on his plate , then he scans the room for any signs of his friends . He spots Joe and Aaron seated in a corner of the lunch room and hurries over to them . He sits down . ) Joe : Sarah Shortt . Kid : He is ? Man , she 's pretty . ( Kid sighs and shakes his head then slowly consumes his sloppy joe . Come to think of it , he loves sloppy joes ! They 're the best ! ) ( Kid shoulders his backpack . The end of another school day . The bells are ringing in the hallway and kids are zooming every which way , trying to get out of Berrymill Elementary School as fast as their legs can carry them . The kid slowly drags his feet . He didn 't want to go home , to see his sick , bed - ridden mother . It was too scary , too real . He shoulders his backpack again , sighs , and hurries out the double doors of the school . ) ( Kid starts to walk home . It is a pleasant day outside ; the birds are singing ; the sun is high in the sky . He goes past Rite Aid , and walks two more blocks before finally reaching home . He takes a deep breath , and opens the door . He steps inside , his heart beating a mile a minute - will his mother be better , or worse ? His heart sinks . He 's still laying in bed . Kid walks over to him and kisses his cheek . Then , he rearranges his blankets so they 're tucked under his chin . ) Hi , Dad . ( Kid bobs his head ) : Lots . Dad : I have an errand for you . I need you to go to the store and help me get the groceries . We 're almost out of everything . Dad : No , no . I 'll do it . Doctor says I have to get up and about anyway . Good , your coat is still on . ( She throws the covers off of him and drags herself off the couch . He goes to the coat closet and puts on a blue jacket . ) Let 's go , honey . Kid ( sighs ) : All right , Dad , if this is what you want . ( Soon , they reach the grocery store . His father pulls the car into a parking spot - close to the door - and turns around to face her son . ) Fill it up as much as you can . Here 's two hundred dollars . ( Kid takes the money ) : All right , Dad , if you say so . Dad : I say so . ( Kid hurries out of the car and into the store . It is bustling with activity . He grabs a cart and starts going down the aisles . Halfway down the flour aisle , a man approaches him . ) Man : What are you doing in here , kid ? ( Kid makes his purchases and takes the groceries out to the car . His father gets out of the front seat and helps put the groceries in the trunk . Then , he hops into the car again and they head home . ) Kid : No , not yet . It 's not a lot , really . Dad : Get to it , son . We want you to be a learned person , not illiterate like some folk . Kid : Okay , Dad , I 'll do my homework . ( Grumbling to himself , he goes upstairs , his right hand on the railing . It takes him awhile to finish his homework ; then he is called downstairs to dinner . ) What are we having , Mom ? ( He is in the kitchen , trying to peer into the pots boiling on the stove . ) ( The kid 's father makes dinner . They eat quietly . It is so quiet , you can hear the clock ticking in the kitchen . They eat all their meals at the kitchen table . Suddenly , his father groans and slides to the floor . The kid jumps up from his seat , alarmed . ) Dad ! Dad : Call an ambulance , son . I think I 'm having a heart attack . Kid : Okay , Dad . Relax . I 'll get you a pillow from the living room . ( He races into the living room and comes back , carrying a couch pillow . He puts it under the man 's head . ) Dad : Thank you , son . Now go call the ambulance . ( The kid rushes to the phone and picks it up . He dials 911 . ) Hello … yes … come right away . My father passed out on the floor . Yes , he 's talking . ( He hangs up and turns to his father . ) They 're coming right away . Kid ( savagely ) : Don 't talk like that . You 'll be fine . Dad : I suppose you 're right . ( Fifteen minutes later a knock sounds on the door . The kid rushes to open it . The police rushes in as well as the paramedics . ) ( Two more paramedics enter the house with a stretcher . The kid 's father climbs on slowly and lays his head down on the pillow . The kid follows them outside to the ambulance and he shuts the front door . It 's as if he 's shutting the door on something final as the wind and the grass growing far and wide . The drive to the hospital doesn 't take long . The paramedics unload the stretcher and wheel it inside the hospital . People are rushing around , both staff and patients and visitors . Suddenly , Dad starts to vomit , and his body jumps up and down . ) Kid : Maybe I should call Grandpa . ( A doctor comes rushing up to the stretcher . ) Here 's a throw up bucket . ( Dad takes the throw up bucket and starts retching up blood . ) Doctor : Can you get me a cup of coffee ? ( He pats the kid on the back . ) Sorry , just a little joke . I don 't drink coffee , myself . Doctor : A nurse is watching him for you . We 're calling your father to see if he can pick him up and take him home . He shouldn 't be in a hospital . Doctor : We 're going to run some tests and find out what 's wrong with you . You 've stopped shaking , that 's good news . I wonder what caused it in the first place . Nurse # 3 : Do you know what Hector Prenelli has yet ? He keeps throwing up blood and I 'm worried he might not last another week . Or another night . ( Two weeks passed . The doctor ran test after test , and everything came back negative . Finally , the hospital tried running tests on rare diseases . One came up positive . Dad was in poor condition . His face was a pale color and he had spots all over his back . His breathing wasn 't very good . ) Doctor : It 's a rare form of cancer , called ASERS . It comes from Egypt . This guy has never been to Egypt , so I don 't understand how he could contract it … Doctor : That could be it . I 'm going to call his house and talk to Mike to see if his son has anything in his house from Egypt . ( He hurries out of the ICU and down the hallway to the telephones . He dials the phone and someone picks it up on the first ring . ) Hello , Mike , this is Doctor Ponder . I have some good news and bad news . Doctor : The bad news is it is very rare and has no cure . It is called ASERS and anyone who contracts it dies within six months . Grandpa : You can 't be serious . My son is only 39 - years - old . His wife died early , too , but that 's besides the point . What are you going to do to help my son ? Grandpa : Yes , I planned on coming to see him today . I 'll bring the boy . ( Grandpa hangs up the phone . He goes down the hallway and enters the boy 's bedroom . He is laying down on his bed , staring at the ceiling . ) ( Grandpa and the kid pile into the car . The kid is wearing his windbreaker and a hat is pulled low over his ears . They drive into town and stop at Rite Aid . The kid goes down aisle after aisle until he finds the cards ' aisle . He bends down to look at them . He finds the one he wants , and goes towards the balloons . He picks out two . They go to the cash register and Grandpa pays for the items . Then , they get in the car again and drives to General Hospital , where the kid 's father is staying . ) ( Grandpa and the kid enter the hospital . It 's bustling with activity . Grandpa hurries to the front desk and asks the unit clerk where Hector Prenilli is . Unit clerk : He finally got his own room . It was a little cramped in the ICU since there were so many people . He 's on the third floor and his room number is 32 . ( Grandpa takes the kid 's hand and goes to the elevators . It takes them to the third floor . They find room # 32 after a few minutes of searching . Grandpa can hear the sound of retching all the way outside the door . He enters it with a smile on his face - or at least , trying to smile . ) Dad : Not feeling too great . I 've been throwing up blood for the past two weeks . And the doctor just told me I have a rare disease . All in all , I 'm feeling pretty good . Dad : Thank you , son . They 're wonderful . I 've been getting stuff from everybody . I even got a teddy bear - it 's yours , son , if you want it . I 'm too tough for teddy bears . Grandpa : Here , let me hold your head . ( He hurries over to his son 's bed side and holds his head while he throws up in the throw up bucket . He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and smiles a sugary smile . ) Dad : It 's not all bad . I get to eat hospital food . Dad : No , no , it 's all right . I 'm getting tired of being in this hospital day after day , though . When can I go home ? Doctor : No , we do not have one yet . We have medication for similar diseases , like cancer , but ASERS is much worse . Dad : Ohhhhh … Doctor ( laughs ) : I wish you could help . You don 't have a doctor 's or a nurse 's degree , kiddo . Kid : I can get one . Doctor : We sure hope so . I have to go , but a nurse will be in here shortly to give him his medication . Dad : Thank you , Doctor . ( weakly ) : I thought it was just a heart attack . Kid : I guess so . ( He runs upstairs to his room and grabs his mitt and ball , then he runs downstairs again . ) I wish I had a dog , then we could play catch . ( He goes outside and accidently slams the front door . He starts to play catch by himself . He can hear kids playing outside ; and cars driving down the street . He wishes he could drive , then he could go see his father on his own . Suddenly , a bright flash of light appears in the sky , and slams down on the tree next to him . The kid gasps . It was a lightning bolt and it sliced the tree in two . The bark had been charred ; the tree had fallen over and took up half the yard . The kid races back inside to tell his grandfather what had happened . ) ( The next morning is Saturday . The kid comes downstairs to breakfast , still wearing his pajamas . He is half - asleep . His hair is tousled . He keeps yawning . ) Grandpa : On your hand . It 's a rash . Let me see that . ( The kid shows him his hand . Red pox marks appear all over his right hand . ) Grandpa : Enough talk . ( He picks up the phone and dials 911 . The kid is taken to the hospital - the same hospital as his father . He is taken to his own room , # 56 . A doctor enters the room and examines him . ) ( In the front of the hospital , an ambulance is pulling into the driveway . Two paramedics jump out the back end of it and pull open the doors in the back of the ambulance . They take out a stretcher and rush it into the back door of the hospital . Doctor # 2 rushes up to them . ) Paramedic # 2 : His breathing is shallow . We need to get him to the ICU . Doctor # 2 : Okay , let 's get him there in a hurry ! Doctor # 1 : Two of them have died . One of them has a rash like what your son has . Dad : But , you sent my son home with some cream to put on his rash . ( Dad picks up his bed pan and struggles to sit up . Once he does so , he swings his legs around the side of the bed and rises to his feet . He struggles a minute , swaying . Righting himself , he walks to the window and peers outside as if peering into an abyss . ) ( After school , all three boys hurry to their lockers to get their stuff . Then , they walk outside together . Big , puffy clouds are in the sky . It is a nice day out for going to a clubhouse , the kid thinks . They arrive at the clubhouse . It is stuck high in a tree supported by three large branches and a ladder rope is tied at the top . Aaron 's parents helped them build it and it has been pretty sturdy all these months they 've had it . Aaron climbs in first ; then Joe , and finally , the kid . He brought a large stick with him and scrambled through the hole to the floor carrying the stick in his right hand . ) ( Grandpa and the kid leaves the house and get into the car . Grandpa drives to the hospital and parks it into the hospital parking lot for visitors . They get out and enter the lobby . Grandpa waves to the secretary behind the desk , and she gives them a thumbs up . )

The House of Balestrom stood intimidating above the tree lines . Its beautiful red roof and Victorian arches reached up to the sky like hands . The day was clear and bright as the lake that separated land and island quietly moved around the ferry that crossed it . Sara leaned on the banister as she watched the island get slowly closer . She sighed because the ride was almost over and she wanted to continue to take in the sight of the house . David nudged her with his shoulder and pointed in the direction of the island as more of the house came into view . Both of them were excited to be there , though the circumstance of their journey to the House of Balestrom was a sad one . When Susan called Sara telling her of the news that her husband had died and that she wanted Sara and David to come over to be with her during her time of grief , Sara agreed to it fast . Sara was not sure where they were going so both of them looked up Balestrom House on the internet , discovering many strange things about the house and the Balestrom family . They never thought that one family was documented so well - especially a family neither of them had ever heard of before now . They read up on the family and realized that they were out of place . Sara and David were not bankers or businessmen like the Balestroms . They were merely like every other American - an average person with a day job . David was a teacher like Sara . They both met at a teacher 's conference in North Carolina . Both of them began to talk the first day at the conference and fell in love . When the conference ended , Sara did not want to leave David 's side . He felt the same way and so they both decided to give it a shot . They rented a place in North Carolina , while finding new jobs there or other places until they decided where they would fit in . They settled on Minnesota . Minnesota became their place , where they could recreate themselves and be together . David proposed to Sara when they bought their first house together . He held a small dinner with friends they had met from the school system they worked for . David had got on one knee during the toast and proposed . Sara cried and screamed with happiness . She could not stop saying yes to him , as they hugged and kissed . Their friends were excited for them as well . Sara immediately called Susan up to tell her the great news about her engagement . " Oh , Susan , the ring is so beautiful , " Sara exclaimed over the phone to her sister . She kept staring at it while she told Susan about what David did and how he proposed and how she could not stop saying yes . She laughed thinking about it over and over again . " We are going to have a spring wedding and I want you to be here , " she said into the receiver . " Dear I 'm in Turkey , " she said . " I met this nice man from London , when I was visiting Belize . He is an amazing man and he told me about some property he owned in Turkey and that I should come and see it , so here I am darling . " Susan was always meeting interesting men who did things for her . They would take her off to places and spend a great deal of money on her . She was lucky in that way . She travelled more than Sara ever had the chance to do . Sara had only been to London once and that was when she took an internship over there for college . But she was so happy to know that Susan was not wasting her life away with just anyone . Susan 's life was so unpredictable and carefree . Sara wished she could live like that , but she was too afraid of the world . She needed structure and something physical . She could not live out of Hotel rooms and yachts with people she had never met . It seemed to Sara that Susan did not even have a place of her own . She could remember a few years ago , Susan mentioning that she needed to go by her apartment and pick up something for her trip to L . A . , but that was the only time . " You have to be here , " Sara exclaimed . " I need my sister by my side . Besides Mom and Dad haven 't seen you in a long time and they keep asking about you . " Susan did come to Sara 's wedding . She came in enough time to add her opinion to the construction of the wedding , despite how David 's parents objected . The wedding was successful and Susan gave Sara several wedding gifts . One gift was a check for fifty - thousand dollars and the other was two plane tickets to Paris , which included a package deal for newlyweds . When Sara and David saw the check , they both were amazed . Sara had no idea that Susan had such money . Several guests and family members asked Susan what she did for a living , but she would casually avoid the question by changing the subject or she would just laugh and say , " who needs to work " . The man Susan brought with her to the wedding was what their mother would call a " catch " . He was six - five with dark brown hair . He wore a beautiful suit that was blue . He wore it like a model . He even had the face of a model . He walked up to Sara and David kissing her hand and shaking David 's . He wished them both a bright and happy future as he smiled at them with pearl white teeth . He was so clean and chiseled . The next day Sara finally got to see - in her opinion - why Susan brought Mr . Chiseled - Mr . Chiseled being what everyone was calling him . Some would have thought that Susan was with him because of his beautiful features and strong body , which he proudly showed off when everyone went to the beach to lay out and swim . Both men and women looked at him in amazement and even - lust , which made Sara giggle like a little school girl . " Can you believe what we are seeing , " David said , looking Mr . Chiseled up and down . " There isn 't any fat on that man 's body . It 's all lean muscle , " he said , gawking . " If you don 't stop he will think that you like him , " she teased . David laughed and looked away bashfully . Every now and then Sara would catch David looking at his own body . He would flex an arm here or there to see where his muscles were . Sara would laugh and then touch David 's leg . " All your muscles are right here , " she said , taking her finger and poking David in the head . " Great , " he said . Now he was determined to start working out . Sara knew why Susan brought Mr . Chiseled and it was not for attention - well attention for her , but more of a distraction from her . She wanted to avoid people 's stares and questions . Mr . Chiseled was with Susan for fun . It was the kind of fun that you could only have from someone that was not your husband , but more of a lover . Why Susan wanted to avoid people was a mystery to Sara , but it was how Susan had always been - private . A few more years had gone by and Susan called Sara to tell her that she had married . It came as a shock because Susan had never talked about a man being in her life . At first , Sara thought it was Mr . Chiseled whom Susan had married , but it turned out to be a Mr . Victor Balestrom . Sara had never heard of him and yet never met him . She was a little upset that she was not invited to the wedding - and yet no one was invited to the wedding . " I 'm sorry , darling , " she said . " I can 't help it . I just had to snatch this one up before he got away . He is not like my other two husbands . He is so much better than them . " " Sara , dear , everything is good , " Susan said . " I was married twice before , but they both passed away a few years after we married . How do you think I had all that money ? " " Oh , my dear Sara , please don 't worry about me . Be happy for me , " she said . " He 's a keeper and I will make everything up to you . " Susan kept her promise . Every year when a holiday would come up , she started sending Sara and David cards . The cards had photos of Susan and Victor on them and inside the cards would be a brief note and a check . The check would vary each year . It was never below a thousand dollars though . This made Sara and David feel bad because they could not give back to Susan and Victor . They almost wanted to send the money back at times , but then something would happen to where they would need the money . It helped when they got it , but not without feeling guilty when they cashed it . So they both decided to start saving the money when they got it , so they could meet up with Susan and Victor one day . But that day changed for all of them , when Sara received a phone call from Susan late one night . " I don 't know … he just died . " Susan cried and Sara could barely understand her . " I need you , " she said . " I need you to be here with me , Sara , please come and be at my side . I can 't bury him without you being here . " " Of course , I will be there . Both David and I will be there for you . We will leave immediately , " Sara said . They said they loved each other and Sara hung up the phone . " Yes , we should do that . I will clear my schedule and call the school and let them know that we have to leave , " David said , kissing Sara on the cheek and then crawled out of the bed so he could start making the arrangements . They booked a flight to Maine , then taking a cab to the ferry where they stood now . Sara and David could see the house from the distance as the ferry moved slowly closer to the island . It was weird for them having to ride a ferry across a lake to get to someone 's home . It was not like crossing the street or driving down the road , this was much more than that . It was a process - a moment to sit back and relax before you arrived where you were going . This was the privileged life and Sara could feel it deep inside herself . The feelings were foreign to her and yet exciting . She could not wait to see Susan and hold her in her arms . She never wanted to let her sister go . The ferry pulled closer to the island and Sara could see where they were going to dock the ferry so they could get off on the island the house stood on . An entire island owned by the Balestrom family since the eighteen hundreds . Sara remembered reading about it on the internet . An island all for the family - private - secluded from the mainlanders . The money the Balestrom family must have to maintain the island and the house itself . The internet could not tell David and her how big the house was , it merely said that The Balestrom House had several wings to it … that the main wing or main house was where the family stayed . They rarely explored the other part of the house and on occasion , the family would allow people to come and tour the grounds and the older parts of the house for historical reasons . " This is amazing , " David said , smiling . The house was barely in view , but he could see several paths that possibly led to it . His heart thumped hard in his chest as the ferry docked . It opened its gate and a few cars pulled out while others walked off the ferry and onto the port landing . Sara smiled at David 's enthusiasm . She was just as excited as he was , if not more . Her sister had moved far up into the world . Sara knew Susan was rich but after marrying Victor , she was never going to have to work again - if she ever worked in the first place . They walked off the docking station until they came to land . " Wait where is the ferry going ? " " How will we leave if we need to , " Sara asked . David and Sara walked quickly back toward the ferry , but it was already pulling off . A man laughed at them from their right . Sara turned to him . " What 's so funny ? We may need to leave . " " You have nothing the worry about , " he said . The man was wearing all white - white golf shirt , shoes and slacks . He had sandy blonde hair , dark blue eyes and his skin was pale . He looked like a ghost and yet attractive and down to earth . " The ferry returns on a schedule . But if there were an emergency then the house would ring the ferry , who would come out to pick up anyone here . There are also emergency boats all around the island as well as the Balestrom 's own personal boat at the boat house , " the man informed them . David and Sara sighed with relief . They thought that the Balestrom 's owned the ferry , but they were obviously wrong and felt embarrassed for thinking it . " I 'm Ralph Turner … " he extended his hand . David took it first shaking it and then Sara . " I 'm here to escort you to the house . " " Escort , " Sara said and then looked behind Ralph to see a golf buggy . Ralph smiled and reached for their bags , taking them from their hands . " I am so sorry ; we are not use to this . " " It 's okay ma ' am , " Ralph said . He placed their stuff onto the back of the golf buggy and then motioned for them to get in . They did , as Ralph started the buggy up and pulled off heading down one of the paths to the house . " This kind of life takes some getting used to . I remember my first time here . I was so scared at first , but I found my way around and now I 'm good . " " Oh , no , " he said . " None of us live on the island , except for the servants that maintain the inside of the house . I come here from the mainland . The job pays decent and it helps put food and clothes on my family 's back . " " Tell us about this place , " David said . " It 's almost like we traveled to another world coming here . " David laughed feeling slightly intimidated over the island . " I would love to tell you about the island - or what we call Balestrom Island , " he chuckled . " Old Cyrus Balestrom bought the island in the eighteen hundreds . There was barely any life on the island when he bought it . He built a small shack where he moved his wife and six kids in . Cyrus Balestrom had big plans for his family and for the island . He was going to make it an attraction to where the entire world would know who they were … it was like their own little kingdom . " Ralph paused for a moment and Sara saw him glance at them through the rearview mirror . " Cyrus was a visionary , much like all the Balestroms . They have money in everything , " he added . Sara detected something in Ralph 's tone of voice when he spoke to them about the Balestrom family . He could not tell if he was resentful of them or envious , either way the feeling made her cautious . She could see how many people would feel that way about a large wealthy family like the Balestroms . She herself could feel where her place would be if she came to work for them too . Even visiting made her feel small and unimportant . She now wondered if any of this kind of life has influenced Susan . Would Susan treat Sara and David like a - servant ? No … no … Susan wouldn 't do that to them . She loved them too much , why else would she want them to come to her and be with her at this horrible time . " No , he never had a chance , " Ralph said . " Cyrus died before he could even lay the foundation . The only thing that was built on the island by Cyrus was the shack , which is the horse stable now . " " Yes , " Ralph said . " Cyrus Balestrom the second was murdered one night at a New Years Eve party they were holding in the main house . " Ralph began to tell them about that night in 1959 before the clock struck twelve . As he spoke his words formed images in Sara 's mind . She saw the lavish dresses and well - groomed men dancing and laughing . The house itself was decorated with reefs still hanging from Christmas . Sara 's heart raced as she felt the pulse of the music being played by a small band Cyrus commissioned to play at his party . People wore masks and hats with the year 1960 written on them . It was a beautiful night . Ralph continued to tell the story coming to the part where a young woman approached Cyrus . She wore a beautiful black gown with dark red and gold colored wings on her back . In her hand she held a masquerade mask which she let fall to the floor as she walked up to Cyrus , who was talking to his daughter Elisa . " Cyrus , " she called to him for his back was to her . His posture stiffened . He was not expecting her to be there . Elisa looked at her father 's expression and slowly looked around him at the woman who called his name . Elisa did not recognize her . The woman looked like someone who stepped out of a fairy tale with her red and gold wings and black gown . Her costume was beautiful and lavish . It was one of the better costumes at the entire party . Cyrus touched Elisa 's shoulder , pulling her from looking at the woman any longer . He turned around hiding Elisa behind him . " Are you really asking me that ? " She walked closer to him . Her hand went to her chest as she breathed hard . " I came to see you since you can 't come and see me , " she said . " Now Tara , " he said holding up his hands to her as if he was trying to calm her down . But it was more like he was trying not to let her cause a scene . " Why don 't you go home and I will call you later . " " Call me , " she laughed . " Call me later . I don 't want you to call me later Cyrus . " Tara reached out with her hand taking a hold of Cyrus 's shirt cuff . He pulled away from her quickly ripping his cuff from her grip . The sound of fabric tearing caused people at the party to listen in and stare . " What 's going on here , " she asked looking Tara over . She wrapped her arms through Cyrus 's only to take his hand . It was her way of saying Cyrus was hers and no one else 's . Morgan knew of Tara . She knew what Tara was to Cyrus and she knew what Tara was carrying inside her . Cyrus turned his head to Morgan all the while looking down at the floor . Cyrus had no idea that Morgan knew Tara was pregnant , because if he did he would have been extremely angry with them both . Morgan was going to take care of Tara and the baby , but Tara just could not let Cyrus go . " Come with me Cyrus , " she shook when she said this . Her eyes meeting Morgan 's , which made Tara cry . The man she loved was standing in front of her and she wanted him to leave with her . Her heart raced as she reached out to Cyrus again . " Please , Cyrus , come with me . Let 's get away from this place . From this house … " she screamed . The music had stopped and everyone was watching . Tara shook and cried and held her chest with one hand while she reached for Cyrus with the other . Cyrus looked at Tara and for a moment , he looked as if he would go with her , but instead Cyrus lowered his head shaking it from side to side . He pitied Tara for how she was acting . He turned to Morgan who still held onto his arm . They both turned to walk away , which was an instruction for the crowd to snub Tara . The friends of any Balestrom know that they are taken care of as long as they are in good graces with the family . But once a Balestrom turns his back on you , you became - nothing . It was as if you did not exist any longer . " Cyrus ! " Tara screamed his name loud and harsh . Her voice quivered with anger and sadness . Cyrus did not turn around he kept walking . The crowd screamed as Tara pulled a gun from a pocket in her gown . She pulled the trigger without hesitating shooting Cyrus in the back of the head killing him . Sara gasped in horror at what Ralph had told them . She could not believe the tragedy and the scandal . She could not imagine being next to her husband as he is shot . She wrapped her arms through David 's and held him tight . He smirked and kissed her forehead . " Oh , David , " Sara said . She could not believe he even asked that question , but deep down she wanted to know too . Was Victor killed like Cyrus ? " Poor Susan , " Sara thought . The thought of Susan having to deal with Victor dying or even being murdered made her feel uneasy . Maybe she should rescue Susan from this nightmare and bring her back to Minnesota with them . It seemed like a logical answer and she would bring it up to Susan when she sees her . The buggy pulled down another path . They passed through trees on both sides of them . They could feel themselves journey deeper into the island . They finally arrived to cleared land where they took one more path up to a gate . The front yard of Balestrom House spread for miles , hitting trees on all sides of them . Trees lined the single path leading up to the gate of the house . Ralph pulled the buggy up to the black Iron Gate and stopped . There was a tall red and white stonewall extending out as far as the eye could see . On the black Iron Gate the letter " B " , fashion in an Old English style text . Ralph pressed a button on the roof of the buggy . The gate hummed to life , clicked and then opened for them to enter . It was as if they were accepted into The House of Lords other than that they would not be able to pass . Ralph drove the buggy through the gate as it closed behind them . In front of them was a huge white gazebo , with tall hedges not far from that . Sara glanced at an opening in the hedges and saw what looked like a beautiful flower garden . " I see you noticed the flower garden , " Ralph said . " That wasn 't here until your sister joined the family . She wanted beauty and she created it . She has single handedly made Balestrom House look amazing . It is known for its lavish flower gardens now , which attracts tourists and magazines from all over the world . They all want to photograph the gardens . " " I know sir , " Ralph said . " It 's a touchy subject . No one really knows how Mr . Balestrom died . All I know is that one day Victor Balestrom was running around the island getting his daily run in and the next he was dead . It happened so sudden . There are the rumors though … " " Sorry . I 'm not trying to do that . I just wanted you to know what you were getting into before you settled in , " Ralph said . " I promise you that your sister had nothing to do with Victor Balestrom 's death . " Sara started to cry . She buried her face into David 's arm . She squeezed him tight wishing that nothing like that would ever happen to David . The thought of not having him by her side made her emotional . She loved David and would do whatever she could to keep him with her - forever . He was her rock - her angel - even her soul mate . Life would not be the same without him . She could now imagine what Susan must be going through . How Susan loved Victor . Sara knew Susan loved Victor by the way she would write about him in the letters she wrote to her . How tragic it was to lose such a man . How lonely it would feel not to have him lying next to her in bed at night . The emptiness Susan must feel . Victor 's pillow still having the impression in it where he would lay his head . The clothes he would never wear again still hanging in the closet . The toiletries still placed where he left them last , even strands of hair tangled in the hairbrush he used . David held her tight , rubbing her arm to calm her down . He knew how Sara was and he knew she was sensitive to losing someone . It took Sara a long time to get over her grandfather dying four years ago . Every now and then , she would bring him up and start crying all over again . David would comfort her and show her everything would be okay . That her grandfather was watching over her , blowing her kisses from Heaven . This worked from time to time and he would hold her on the days it did not until she fell asleep in his arms . He loved Sara a lot and never wanted anything to happen to her either . The things Ralph told them about the house and Cyrus and Victor disturbed him . The idea of losing Sara made his heart ache . He did not want to lose her and did not know what he would do if he ever did . He pushed the thoughts out of his mind . They were not there for any of this . They were there for Susan . Susan needed them and she was going to need them to be strong for her . " Now now honey , " David leaned down whispering in Sara 's ear . " We need to be strong for Susan . She can 't see us break down and cry . We want to help her get past all this and see what we can do to make things a little more comfortable for her . " He kissed her head as he rubbed her arms . Sara knew David was right and she sniffed back more tears and wiped her eyes with her fingers . " I 'm really sorry , " Ralph said , again . He was feeling bad for talking about how Victor died . He really did not know the man . He bumped into Victor a few times at the house . He even carried Victor around the island in the very golf buggy they were riding in . Victor was a quiet intimidating man . Ralph felt like he could be even cruel at times , but he never wanted to cross Victor to find out . He pulled the buggy into a stone laid driveway that went into a circle around a tall black iron water fountain . The figures made of iron were of men and women reaching up to the Heavens to a man barely clothed - who stood higher than the rest of the figures . The iron man held in his hand an orb , which he held up to the sky for God to take . The black iron was more so green now from algae . Water trickled down the figures and into the pool that surrounded them . The faces of the figures were mourning and wanting . There were even a few faces that held angry expressions , but all of their eyes were focused on the main figure holding the orb - or maybe they were focused on the orb itself . An object of attraction - a desired destination or want or need . Whichever it was or whatever it was supposed to signify escaped Sara and David , over all it was beautiful and domineering … much like the house itself , which only stood a few feet from them . They looked up at the sky to its third story . The yellow - white stone made the house a fortress . Nothing was getting into the house without it being invited in . They stepped out of the buggy and walked up to the front double doors . " Hey what 's this say , " David asked looking at a plaque , which was built into the wall next to the double doors . " Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit , " he read . David searched his memory . The saying was in Latin and he recalled the time when he had to learn Latin in college . He took it because he did not care for French or Spanish . He loved Italy and their language . There was a sense of worldliness about the Latin language . To him it was the language of God . He was a Catholic boy so the language was slightly easy for him to learn . " Nothing … " " Nothing may come from nothing , " said a female voice from behind them . They turned to see Susan standing behind them . She wore big shades that covered her eyes , along with an entire outfit in black too . She was in mourning . She walked slowly up to them , a cigarette in one hand . She almost looked as if she was posing for a photo . Her clothes looked very sheik - straight lines at the shoulders and arms , but the skirt showed her gorgeous figure . The black skirt curved down her hips to her knees where if your eyes kept going you would see her black stilettos piercing into the stone driveway . The heels themselves looked like they would hurt anyone else who walked in them , but Susan walked gracefully up to them like she was a runway model . Sara barely recognized her sister . Her skin , for what she could see , was amazing . Even though there was a slight chill in the air and the sun would come and go through the clouds , Susan had a pink glow about her . It was a warmth that exuded from her which took all Sara 's fears away . " Does it matter right now , " Susan said . She bent at the knees and held her arms out to them both . They hugged her hard . Susan threw her cigarette to the ground twisting her toe on it to put it out . " I missed you two a great deal . I am so glad you could come here and be with me . I need you . " Susan smiled and hugged Sara again tightly . " I missed you too Susan , " Sara said . Susan smelt sweet and Sara felt out of place with the clothes she was wearing . She felt frumpy compared to Susan , who held a class about her - a sense of elegance and grace yet all protected by a stonewall - like the Balestrom House - protected or guarded . " You 're so tall . I don 't remember you being this tall . " " Oh darling , it 's the heels , " she said , lifting one foot off the ground . " They are Italian , darling . You must try them on later . You will notice a lot more with some height added to your demeanor . " Susan kissed her sister 's cheek . " Now let us go inside . I 'm sure you two are famished from your long trip , " Susan suggested . She turned to Ralph who was standing with Sara and David 's bags - quiet . " Ralph be a dear and carry my sister and her husband 's bags to the room I saved for them . " " Yes ma ' am , " he said . Susan walked to the door and it opened for her . On the other side was a short , bald , middleweight man . He wore a black and white tuxedo like uniform - he was obviously the butler of the house . " Ma ' am , " he said , nodding to Susan , who barely smiled at him . Susan walked past him and when Sara and David approached the entrance , he greeted them too . " Ma ' am , sir … " " Hi , " Sara and David said . They were nervous as they walked into the foyer of the house . The floor was made of wood , but buffed to shine , with beautiful brown and gold designs moving their way to the center of the foyer where a single table - it was more of a pedestal made of marble . It was something that would have been roped off if it were in a museum . The height of the table was as tall as David , who was only 5 ' 10 . On the table was a huge globe made of black iron . A spike came through the globe , which pointed straight up to the ceiling . Sara looked up and noticed that there was no roof above their heads , but a glass ceiling . The foyer of the house was like its own section . It was where the Balestroms would greet their guests before being led into the other rooms . The foyer was in the form of a huge cylinder with six columns coming out of the walls reaching up to the glass ceiling . The wall itself was designed with gold leaves on a vine , which moved across the wall to the sky . The room was full of brown and gold , which brought on the feelings of classic royalty . There were two huge double doors to the left and right of them as well as another set of double doors on the other side of the globe . " I see that , " Sara said . Susan pulled her sunglasses off and laid them on a table off to the side of the room . She thumbed through mail that sat on the table as well . Taking what she saw was important and discarding the rest into a trash can next to the table . Her heels clicked their way to the doors on the other side of the globe . " Come on kiddies , let 's go to the terrace and have a little lunch before all the games begin , " Susan said , motioning for them to follow her . Sara and David followed Susan through the doors into the main part of the house . There were a set of stairs in front of them that split up into two directions . The carpet under their feet was burgundy and the wood on the walls and staircase were all fine dark wood . They followed Susan up the stairs past the many paintings of the family members of the Balestrom clan . They went to the second level of the house and walked down the walk way and into a hallway that over looked the foyer . It was something that Sara and David had not notice when they were in the foyer earlier . Susan moved through another door and into a little studio area where there were a few chairs and a couch . The wall was a layer of windows which over looked part of the back yard . Susan opened a door to the outside and walked out onto the terrace . They both followed , taking a seat at a table she had set up for them to eat lunch . Susan took a deep breath and sighed it out hard . It was as if she was relieved that something was over and done with . She leaned against the terrace banister looking out over the yard . " Yes dear , " she said , as Sara walked over to her sister to touch her arm . Sara was worried about Susan still . She seemed bothered about something other than Victor 's death . " I 'm just glad to have you here . Also this is the only part of the house I feel like I can be myself . " Sara looked out onto the grounds and saw more of the house stretching out before her . Down below them were some of the flower garden Susan created for the house . The flowers that people come from all over to photograph . Sara knew why this was her favorite spot of the house . She took it in herself , absorbing every little detail and impression . Sara did not want to forget this day or this house . It was a lot to take in , but she scanned over everything anyways . Susan moved to take a seat at the table where the butler was setting plates down and glasses . Susan glanced at the butler who barely looked at her , but Susan refrained from talking any more until he was gone from the room . It was as if she did not want the servant to hear their conversation . Sara figured it was a way to cut down on idle gossip among the help . Sara couldn 't believe that she even thought like that … the butler being referred to as mere " help " made her feel alienated . She could not imagine being called the " help " , though under the circumstances if it were any other time period , she would more than likely be the help or maybe even a governess . The butler left the room for a moment only to return with a cart filled with food . He wheeled the cart up to the table and began to place food on all three plates , while another man came in to fill the glasses with water . They left the table as Susan waved them off . She smiled at Sara and David and watched as they took the first bites from their food before she proceeded to eat herself . She did the same with the drink . She only took a sip of her water after Sara and David took a sip from theirs . It was odd after Sara noticed it . " So you were telling us about the Balestroms ? " David cut into his chicken and then took a bite . The meat melted in his mouth . The food was not like the food Sara and him would make at the house in Minnesota , it was better . The flavors were amazing giving life to his taste buds . Susan blotted her mouth with a napkin and then glanced around the terrace . " You can be excused Gerard , " she said . " We have other guests you could be attending to . " Sara looked around and saw no one . She gave Susan an odd face and then out of nowhere Gerard 's voice quietly came from inside the house . " That man has been with the Balestroms for a long time . His family worked for them long before the island was ever purchased . " Susan adjusted herself in her seat . She took on a more relaxed pose , not the one she had while Gerard or Ralph were around . This was the Susan Sara remembered - relaxed - beautiful - watchful . The Balestroms changed her a little . She leaned into the table placing her elbows on them . " What I was saying before was that the Balestroms would never let you relax around here , " she said . " There is always something that needs to be done , " Susan said . " Charity events , parties to attend , meetings with family members , openings to businesses and galleries - it keeps going and going . " Susan looked exhausted just talking about it . " After I had been married to Victor for three years I had enough . I wanted to focus on the house . " She waved her hands out above her . " I worked on the grounds creating beautiful flower gardens and hedges . I even added a nice gazebo to the grounds that was barren when you first arrived to the house through the gate . " " This house … " Susan stood up and walked to the banister of the terrace . She looked out over the grounds and then turned to face them . " This house has a tendency of pulling you into it . Once you are a part of it , it will then suffocate you and take what life you have away . " Susan let her hand rest against her chest as she stared off at nothing like she was in a trance . Her mind searching for the days that began her journey to the house and into Victor 's arms . She took a deep breath and focused on the two lovebirds before her . " I married Victor because I loved him . He was an amazing man , very athletic and smart . He was his mother 's favorite son , " she said . " Just there are demands that Ruth puts on her daughters and daughter - in - laws . It 's those demands that make it hard to live here . Not the other stuff . " " Children ? Why would that be a demand ? " Sara could not believe Susan thought having children was a chore . With all the money the Balestroms have , she was sure Susan would have help raising them . " Certainly all of those things and I wouldn 't even have to raise them myself , " Susan said . " But it wasn 't just a child Ruth wanted . She wanted me to have a particular child … a male child . " " Yes , without a male child the Balestrom name will end . Lucky for me there are plenty of males in the family . " Susan walked back over to the table and took a seat . " But Ruth wasn 't satisfied with that . She is even disappointed in me now since Victor is dead and I haven 't had a child … male or female … " " Sara , darling , you sound like Ruth Balestrom when you say that . She hated me for not having children . Have a boy … she would say … are you pregnant yet ? We need a boy from Victor , " Susan rolled her eyes and shook her head . Susan took a sip of water . " A lot of Balestroms died in this house or on the grounds near the house . Some people say that their spirits are still here haunting the island . There are rumors of fishing ships passing by the precipice of the island , on its north side , that they can see a woman in a white flowing gown waving to them . " " What makes it even spookier sister is that on that side of the island Byron Balestrom 's wife Emma threw herself off the precipice and into the rocks below . She killed herself to get away from this family , " Susan said . Sara gasped at what Susan said , her hands quickly moving to her mouth . She looked over to David who was surprised to hear what Susan had said also . " Yes , apparently Emma 's brother maneuvered her into Byron 's arms one drunken night they were all partying . Emma became pregnant and was made to marry Byron . But Emma 's brother had other plans with the family , he too wanted to marry in and he wooed Byron 's sister Mary which led to their marriage , " Susan said . " It is when you find out that Emma and her brother had an incestuous relationship … among other things , " Susan said . " So when the fishermen talk of seeing a woman waving to them in a white flowing gown , we know it is Emma Balestrom . But there are a lot of stories like that which float around here . The men in this family do not live long and die here at the house … sometimes tragically . How convenient my husband did too . " " That is very tragic , " Sara said . Her eyes watered from the story Susan had told them . Such a tragic family and her sister married into that family . How could she live with the knowledge that something horrible could possibly happen to her or her husband - and yet something horrible did happen to Susan 's husband . Victor has died leaving Susan alone in this huge house . Susan barely looked at Sara after she had said that . She smirked a little , possibly thinking of something - maybe a memory of a time when Victor was alive . A time when Victor and Susan were happy . Maybe it was her own wedding she was thinking about . There are a few things in a woman 's life that becomes important to her - her marriage day and the day she has her first child . Those memories last forever . Those are her special days . Sara wondered about Susan 's wedding because she was not there to see Susan on that special day . Sara had nothing to compare her wedding to with David . Was Susan 's wedding extravagant with beautiful people fawning over her ? It was definitely nothing like Sara and David 's wedding - Sara knew this had to be so . The Balestroms had too much money not to spend it on an elaborate wedding in a big Catholic church . Sara calmed down a little as she thought of how happy Susan had to of been on that beautiful day when she married Victor . The dress she must have worn . Sara was sure it was only of the finest material - probably a Vera Wang . Sara was envious and made a mental note to eventually ask Susan about it , she wanted to know all the details of that day . She wanted to be happy for Susan and make sure her day was just as beautiful as her own . " I know all this talk about death and dying has depressed you , " Susan apologized . " I love you Sara and I do want you to know everything is okay . I 'm just so glad you made it … I 've missed you so much , my darling sister . " Susan reached across the table taking Sara 's hand into hers . She squeezed it tight to reassure Sara that she was going to be okay . Sara instinctively got up moving around the table to Susan , who stood up from her seat as they embraced each other . David smiled at them both . He was so happy that they were together again . He knew how much Sara loved her sister and he loved Susan too . She was so different from Sara - well from anyone he had ever met before . The only thing that bothered him was that Susan was very secretive and apparently has been through a lot when she married into the Balestrom family . " I 've kept you from freshening up . We should finish up this small meal and then I will let you two rest up a bit before we have the wake . " " Yes , that would be nice , " Sara said with tears streaming down her cheeks . She embraced Susan again and then took her seat next to her where they finished up their meal . But Susan barely touched her food . She picked at it with her fork and watched Sara and David laugh as they told Susan about the small adventures of being teachers . Susan would laugh at them and then with them at times , but to her it did not seem real . Sara 's life was so different from her own . She could not imagine living like they did and for a brief moment wondered what it might have been like for her if she actually married a local man in Ohio or even in New York or Los Angeles . What would her life be like if she never married rich ? Susan pushed the thoughts away . It was something she did not really want to know . The idea of wondering if she was ever going to have enough money to pay a bill or plan for a trip overseas … she never had to worry about that . There was no planning for her - all she had to do was just pack up and go . All her bills were paid . All of which were handled by a financial manager she employed . She desperately wanted to pull Sara and David out of this strange life of worry and stress . She wanted to give them what she has - but even now , there was more to living this way than what she could handle herself . There were things expected of her and there was always someone watching and listening … " This is a huge room , " Sara said looking around . David laughed with Susan as they both walked through the door leaving Sara the last one to exit the room . Sara paused for a moment to take the room in . She never really looked at it when they came in before stepping out onto the terrace . The room was very open and she could see the whole view of the grounds from where she was standing . It was breath taking . The sun was slowly going down turning the room an orange color . She took in a breath of fresh air from the open doors of the terrace and then exhaled it out . She was in a foreign place and was not sure what she could touch or where she should stand . The mannerism of this world was not so relaxed like she was use to . Sara felt like she had to tip toe through the rooms and hallway so she would not be discovered - or she may get into trouble if she was caught . She laughed at herself for thinking that way . But she could not help herself . It was the house that made her feel out of place . Sara turned to leave the room when she heard a creaking noise . She turned toward where the sound was coming from and saw a door that resembled the wood paneled wall , slowly creek closed . Someone was in the room with her and they had just left . How was that so ? She did not see anyone in there with her . Susan and David were just outside the room laughing at a joke David had told . She could hear their voices , but the person - invisible person - in the room with her made no sound at all , other than when they left . She would not have known of their presence if the door had not made a sound when it closed . Sara glanced out into the hall and saw Susan and David preoccupied with each other . She walked over to the wall and began to press on it looking for a way to open the door she just saw . It was strange , because the wall had no resemblance of a door ; it was as if she imagined it . There were no opening and no handle . She patted the wall with the palm of her hand , but it was solid all around the area . Very unusual . " Well we will wash up and rest , " David said . He kissed Sara on the forehead , who smiled lightly taking a quick glance at Susan who was staring at the wall Sara had been messing with . There was a moment 's pause and then Susan regained her composure , turning back to them . Susan walked them down the hall and up another flight of stairs . She walked them down the huge hallway , where Sara thought looked like hotel rooms . It made her chuckle inside . Some of the doors were open revealing large sitting areas and a few bedrooms . Susan walked up to a door opening it . She smiled at them pushing the door open for them to enter the room . " Wow , " David said , as they walked into their room . " This is as big as the apartment we lived in before we bought the house , honey . " Susan laughed . The room had a sitting area near a glass door which walked out onto a short balcony . The bed was a queen size , much bigger than their twin bed they had at home . " The bathroom is through here . Gerard unpacked all your stuff so feel free to look around so you can familiarize yourselves where everything is , " Susan said . " I will come back to get you when it is time for the service . Until then my lovelies rest up , wash up , whatever you like . If you need me before then just pick up the phone on the nightstand and Gerard will pick up . He will get you whatever you need and alert me if you need me to come . " " This is a lovely place , Susan , " Sara said . " You 've done well for yourself . " They hugged again and Susan left them alone closing the door to give them privacy . " Can you believe this place , " David said , sitting on the bed . He bounced up and down a few times feeling the comfort of the bed , which made no sound at all when he bounced . " Honey , you have to sit on the bed . It feels so comfortable . " He moved over to Sara who was looking around the room . He took her by the hand and guided her to the bed where they sat down on it together . David wrapped his arms around Sara 's shoulders pulling her backwards on to the bed . They bounced a little and then laughed . " I feel like I won the lottery . " " Should we pretend that we did win the lottery , " he suggested , leaning close to her . David brushed the back of his hand across Sara 's cheek as he looked into her eyes . He kissed her mouth as she relaxed into his embrace . He adored Sara with his whole being . She was his one true soul mate . The one thing he loved more than anything else on Earth . He could not imagine losing her to anyone else and was very happy the day he laid eyes on her . He moved a strand of hair from between her eyes , brushing it out of the way . He then kissed her forehead and smiled . " I love you . "

When Michael celebrated his third birthday on May 24 , just a little over a month after we moved to our new home , I thought , with relief , " No more terrible twos " ! Unfortunately , no one told our precocious son that now he was three , he was supposed to be a big boy and stay out of trouble . In fact , when I look back on the year he was three , I recall it as the ' horrendous threes ' ! Not a day went by that he did not think of some mischief - some incidents worse than others - but I think that I should share a few of these so that his children will know that he was definitely not an angel ! He was a handsome child , with a mixture of Billy 's and my features - Billy 's ' bedroom ' eyes that seemed to gleam with the mischief in them . In fact , Margaret once told me that Michael just had the devil in his eyes . He definitely had my fair skin and his nose , much like my own , was scattered with freckles , although by the time we had been in Hawaii for a month , he had begun to get just enough tan to blend the freckles into his complexion . His mouth was all Billy and when frustrated by a task that he found difficult to complete , he would draw his lips thin , just like his father , and with the most determined look , I had ever seen on so young a child , he would continue to try until he got it right . Yes , he was just as stubborn as both of us , and he had come by it honestly since Billy and I both still had that sometimes not so pleasant characteristic . The incident that stands out in my mind the strongest happened on another of those lovely Hawaiian mornings when the clouds looked like puffs of gossamer against a sky as clear blue as my handsome husband 's eyes , and , as usual , there was a pleasant breeze blowing inland from the ocean . It was another perfect day , and already I had begun to take those days for granted since it was unusual for a day not to be just like this one . When it rained , it was more a shower or a squall at sea , and over almost as quickly as it had begun , and it was not odd for it to rain only in the front yard and not in the back . This day was just too perfect for anything bad to happen , or so I thought until the Military Police jeep stopped in front of the house and two M . P . 's got out , one soldier carrying our grinning three - year - old son , as the other soldier lifted his tricycle down from the back of the vehicle . Instead of waiting for them to come to the door , I opened the screen to the lanai and walked out to greet them and to gather my child . They did not look very happy , but I was the first to speak and asked if I could help them . " Ma 'm , does this young man belong to you ? He told us this was his house . " Owning up to being Michael 's mother , although by now I was not sure this was the smartest thing to do , I waited while they told me how they met my small son . Their jeep was the lead vehicle for a tank convoy using the ' Kam ' Highway to reach a training area , and had just rounded the corner past our house where they set up road blocks at the next intersection and stood there waiting for the tanks to pass . When the tanks did not reach their post in a reasonable time , they left one M . P . at the intersection and retraced their route to see if perhaps one of the behemoths was having some kind of mechanical trouble . What they saw as they neared our house was far from what they expected . There was Michael , on his tricycle , pedaling furiously down the center of the highway leading the convoy , which , of course , had slowed the tanks to a crawl ! Picking up their reluctant charge , they asked him where he lived , not thinking that he would know , but not only did he know , but he told them that his daddy was a ranger and that he was in ' C ' Company . Then he told them his name and everything about his life to this point , how he had just moved here from Georgia , etc . No , this child did not have a shy or discreet bone in his body . The Military Policemen obviously did not know whether to laugh or to be stern , so were trying to maintain a happy medium , but I knew that Michael 's escapade was sure to be the subject of gossip all over Schofield before the day was over ! I just hoped that Billy would not hear about it ! Taking my son from the soldier , I apologized and explained that I had left him for just a moment while I changed his little sister 's diaper , but they could not have been more understanding and kind . " Look , Ma 'm , we know that your husband is in the military , and an officer from the tag on your car , but we know that some commanding officers might not look too kindly on an unsupervised child riding down the middle of the highway , holding up Uncle Sam 's finest . At least that is to hear the boys from Armor brag , so we are just going to forget his last name . Just try to keep him tied to your waist ! He could have been killed . " I had not thought of that last fact , and when I did , I was almost physically ill . Contemplating whether I should spank him now or wait until Billy heard about it , if he heard at all , or whether I should risk not telling him myself . My mind whirled as I wondered what the chances were that he would be around anyone from either the Military Police , or the Armor Battalion to hear this rather unusual tale , but what if he did , and I had not told him . At least I had all day to make up my mind whether to incur his wrath at both me and our son , but just in case , I disciplined Michael with words , and a horrible story about how he could have been smashed flat by the huge tanks , the drivers not even knowing that they had run over him . Often I had tried to protect my son from Billy 's discipline , which much like his own father 's was far too harsh and far too physical for such a young child . Michael was still just a baby to me , and when Billy would make him pick his own switches , it broke my heart , and I would plead with him not to use the switch on him . I remembered my own striped legs , and I could not bear to see this on my child , but usually I could not get Billy to listen to reason , his anger was so great , and Michael would feel the lashes of the switch . I would go into the bedroom , close the door , and put my fingers in my ears , and then when it was over , and Billy had calmed down , I would take my son in my arms and calm him while bathing the red marks with cold water . Often Michael was so exhausted from fear and crying that he fell asleep in my arms , and Billy knew better than to try to take him away from me to put him in his crib . I just wish that I could have stopped it in the first place , but sometimes Billy was beside himself with rage , and I felt powerless . He wanted his son to be perfect , although I tried to explain that he was just a curious little boy who was bound to get into mischief , just as he had when he was small , but Billy did not hear my pleas , and I cried harder than Michael did . Behind his anger , the As we walked back to the house , Michael saw Elizabeth playing on their lanai and asked if he could go play with her , and I told him it would be O . K . as long as her mother did not mind . Trish poked her head out the door and told Michael to come on over and have some juice and cookies with Elizabeth , and asked if I wanted to come in for a visit . I really needed to get back to the house and start supper , but decided that a few more minutes would not put me too far behind . " Did you hear the tank convoy that came by this morning ? " were the first words out of Trish 's mouth , and when I replied to the affirmative , she said that she had heard that a child on a tricycle had been in the middle of the road , but she had no idea that it was Michael . " Where did you hear that story , " I asked calmly , and innocently , and she told me that two of the clerks in the P . X . were talking about it ! I was shocked ! How had the story gotten that far and that fast ? " At first I thought about Michael , " Trish continued , while I tried to hide my horror and act surprised . " But I know that you keep a better eye on him than that . It must have been one of the little native boys whose mother has a dozen children . " Whew ! At least no one was saying that the child belonged to an officer , or even if it was a boy or a girl , but it was very difficult to keep up the pretense with Trish who knew how I felt about Billy 's sometimes - harsh discipline , although Rusty was just as harsh with Elizabeth . We both hated it , but both felt powerless , and I knew that she would have warned me if she had heard the child 's name . I hoped that , true to their word , the two Military Police had not given out the name , and Billy would never know . Finally , when my legs were no longer rubber and I could stand without shaking , I told Trish that I needed to get home and feed Margie and start our supper , and she told me that Michael could stay and play until they were ready to eat since they kept each other out of trouble , usually . She was huge with child by now , and as tiny as she was , I wondered how she carried around such a burden , but she was always cheerful , seemed to feel fine , and never complained . Luckily , I thought for her , she was going to be able to deliver in the civilian hospital in Wahiawa since there was no hospital at Schofield , and we were too far from Kenner , the main military hospital on the island , which was closer to Pearl Harbor and Honolulu . I knew that after Margie 's birth I would do anything to avoid having another baby at an Army hospital , and Trish knew about the entire incident , and what the doctor had told me at my six - week checkup . I was also ' on alert ' to either take her to the hospital , to call an ambulance , or to take Elizabeth when she went into labor , but she still had some weeks to go . Leaving Michael happily playing ' house ' with Elizabeth , I walked home with Pele ' following , and once inside my door , I sank to the floor , closing my eyes , and praying that Billy would not find out . Finally , I was able to stand and fix Margie 's supper while starting our own . I had just taken her out of the bathtub when I heard Billy 's little sports car drive up , and listened to hear if the door closed quietly or slammed , which would be an indication of anger . " I know , I saw them when I drove up , and they look like they are having fun and behaving , " he called out , and I could hear him shuffling through the mail that had come that day . He had written to his father for two reasons . One , he needed a loan , which we knew , and Gene knew , he would never pay back . Two , he wanted his father to send him some of the pills that he was taking for his narcolepsy since often he was having a hard time staying awake , although I assured him that anyone who worked a 60 hour week was bound to be tired . I did not think that he had narcolepsy , although I knew it could be hereditary , but it was too young . Billy was not convinced though , since he said he had never had this trouble before , but I also knew that there was something about the constant warmth of the tropics that seemed to make one feel torpid and lazy since I too had found myself almost falling asleep one day on my way home from Schofield . I fought it until I could fight no longer and finally had to pull off the road to take a quick nap . Later I bought a pair of sunglasses in the P . X . , that seemed to solve that problem , and I suggested to Billy that he get some glasses too , but they did not seem to help him like they had me , but then again I was getting more sleep . Anyway , I knew that he would be disappointed that there was no letter or package from Gene in the mail today , and I honestly wondered if there ever would be one . I went into the living room , and after putting our daughter on the floor , I went straight into Billy 's arms , kissing him deeply and invitingly , and then walked him to the couch so I could take off his boots . The heavy black wool socks that he wore with his boots were hot , and his feet were often red and itchy from a rash , so each night when he got home , I removed his boots , bathed his feet with a cool washcloth , and heavily powered them with a medicated powder . Finally , I would put some soft white cotton socks on his reddened , often blistered , feet . When he laid out his uniform for the next day 's work , I would shake some of the medicated powder into the heavy socks , but I knew that would not help much . All I could do was try to make him as comfortable as possible , under the circumstances , and I felt sure this problem would only get worse in Vietnam , and I would not be there to take care of him . Well it was as if he had just walked through a forbidden door since it had to be obvious to Rusty that Billy had no idea about Michael 's adventure . I shot Rusty a glance and a slight motion of my head to signal him to let me tell Billy in my own way , at my own time , preferably after Michael went to bed . I hoped to maintain Billy 's good mood as long as possible , although he rarely had a day when he did not walk in the door with a huge smile on his face , as if all his problems he left behind at Schofield . In spite of the lack of mail from his father , he was in a particularly good frame of mind this evening and I wanted this to last at least until I got Michael to bed . Then I would tell him about his son 's adventure . But Rusty was not one to take a hint , and if he did , he really did not care , so as he blurted out the story , full of exaggerations and innuendos , I could see Billy 's face tighten as he lifted one eyebrow and glanced at his naughty little boy . I have never been sure what Rusty 's intentions were that evening , but certainly he did not get the reaction from Billy that he expected , as all of a sudden , Billy put his head back and only as he could , he roared with laughter ! " O . K . cowboy , he said , " he said , opening his arms to his son , " so you want to drive a tank . Well Daddy will just have to see if I can 't get one for you ! " Billy , never able to let anyone get away with what he thought Rusty had just tried to do , called after him , " We 'll see if we can get Elizabeth one too ! But we know all about those women drivers ! " This was a direct jab to Rusty 's abdomen since Trish was famous for her fender - benders . Red in the face , Rusty left , closing the door behind him , and once again , life was perfect . My husband was home , he was not angry about Michael 's escapade , which I now explained in full , correct detail to him , while our daughter fed and clean played happily on the carpet in her nightgown . Pele ' , anxious to join in on the laughter , had slipped onto the rug , and for once , Billy seemed not to notice , but her feet were clean and I am just as sure that he did not want to ruin the moment either . While I finished cooking supper , Billy sat down with Michael and had a very serious talk about how dangerous the highway was on the other side of the hedge , and how lucky he was that a tourist driving fast had not been the first car behind him instead of a slow - moving tank convoy . After I assured him that the M . P . s did not know his name , and in fact had made a point of saying that they would not ask , Billy seemed more relaxed . However , I think that the thought of his small son crushed under the wheels of a speeding car was more important to him than any stigma this incident might have on his career . We all sat down to a pleasant meal , and in our established routine , when Billy was home , he bathed and dressed Michael in his pajamas while I cleaned up the dishes and nursed Margie . Although it was almost dark and soon the ocean would turn black , at this moment when turquoise met the red - orange of the sun , it was as if God was displaying all the glory of his universe in this one spot , at this one moment , just for Billy and for me . We sat on the sand with our backs to the warm rocks , and again Billy asked me to make love in this sheltered space , but again , I was too frightened of being ' found ' , and I curled up in his arms and told him that I would rather go back to the house . We sat there for perhaps half an hour until the sun slipped into the sea , and as if a curtain was drawn , stars that seemed so close that I could reach out and touch them replaced it . They glowed like lanterns and turned the ocean into a navy blue and the sand into spun gold . I did not think that I could ever be as content as I was in my precious Billy 's arms while we kissed as we had when we were kids just learning about each other . His kisses were the sweetest I had ever had , and ever would have , and his touch gentle to my breasts . I softly touched his face , slightly coarse with his day 's growth of beard , and told him over , and over how much I loved him , and he whispered in my ear , " More than life itself . " Finally unable to quell his rising libido , Billy pulled me to my feet and we walked slowly back to our little house , where we made love on the soft white carpet until our passion fulfilled , we fell asleep right there in each other 's arms only to awaken during the night and make our way to our big bed upstairs . It would not be long until the alarm would ring , and he would be gone again , and I would be facing another long day without him . While Michael continued to find new ways to make mischief I learned not to tell Trish everything that he did - like the time , after Michael presented me with a beautiful flower that he had found , a neighbor had called to tell me that my son and dog were digging up his rare tropical plants . That afternoon , with the baby sleeping , I took Michael for a walk , and I showed him his boundaries and made sure the gardening neighbor was not within his play area , and I received no more complaints . Often he brought me coconuts , but those I knew he got from the trees around the Quonset hut , and even if the doctor and his wife were there , they enjoyed having Michael visit . Once they even asked our small family to join them for a luau on the beach , and as far as I know this invitation was exclusive , and not extended to their other tenants , although all four houses were now occupied . We did not see them that often and we respected their privacy , just as they did ours , when they were enjoying the beach , but they were both pleasant people and had led quite an interesting life . He had been a doctor on the island where the lepers were isolated , she had been his assistant , and I thought that perhaps she was a nurse , but I never did ask . Both of them seemed as tanned as rawhide , although she had far more wrinkles , which I later learned is what happens to women when they spend too much time in the sun . In fact , I noticed that the lovely island girls aged rapidly and were almost craggy by their early 30 's , which in a way , made me less envious of their lovely , lithe , and tanned bodies . Soon they too would look like wrinkled old prunes , and I would still have my fair Southern glow , with freckles ! There was just one drawback to our relationship with the doctor and his wife , and that was their liberal brand of politics . Both of their sons made news when caught in the act of running a Viet Cong flag up the flagpole at the University of Hawaii , and of course , the story was on the front - page . Certainly Billy would have been furious had it Most of the time , my son was just an average little boy - a bit adventuresome , but handsome , and healthy . His hair had turned a pale blond and he had actually gotten a tan from playing in the sun , although I tried to make him wear his little blue hat most of the time . He and Elizabeth were still the best of friends , and their play never interrupted into tears , but one day Trish called me and she was laughing so hard that I thought at first she was crying ! " Are you O . K . " ? I asked since she had just come home from the hospital with her newborn daughter , and she simply could not compose herself . Anxious , I picked Margie up off the carpet and ran next door , and found Trish still doubled over with laughter . " You would not believe what Michael just did , " she said after she finally was able to speak , although there were more frantic moments before she could continue her story . When she was finally able to stop laughing enough to catch her breath , she told me how Elizabeth and Michael had been playing ' house ' , which at once rang bells in my head hoping that prying little eyes had not seen Mommy and Daddy in a compromising position . Trish continued to say that Elizabeth had been pretending to feed her doll with a baby bottle when all of a sudden she turned to Michael , shoved both doll , and bottle at him and said , " Here , you do this while I cook dinner . " Michael took the baby doll , but did not have a clue what to do with the bottle , and he told her , " I don 't need this ! " With that , he pulled up his shirt and firmly attached the doll to his breast ! After all , his Mommy did not use a bottle , and he did not need one either ! That story had Billy rolling on the floor with laughter , although he then asked how long I was going to nurse Margie . Since we were using my nursing as birth control , and since I had not had a monthly period since she had been born , I told him that as long as she thrived and as long as I had milk . He seemed satisfied with my answer although often he had told me that he was ' jealous ' of the baby ! The problem was that we had not been using any other birth control , although sometimes Billy promised to ' withdraw ' , but it never happened . I was beginning to wonder if I could possibly be pregnant again , but the thought went out of my head as quickly as it came in since I could not think about having three children when we were barely making ends meet with our two . Gene had finally sent Billy $ 200 and a few of the pills , which Billy said helped , but Gene was quite firm that there would be no more of either . He told Billy that if he needed those pills , and if they helped him , that he should go to the doctor , which he would never do since that would spell the end of his Army career . I think that Gene was half hoping that would happen and Billy would have no other alternative than to go back to Griffin , although I knew that would never happen either . Billy used the pills sparingly , only when he was really , really , sleepy , but they did not last long , and soon he was complaining about how tired he was all of the time . The training was getting more intense as the 25th Division readied to embark for Vietnam , although Billy said that he did not think that anything would happen until after Christmas . C . Company along with the entire 1 / 14th was getting ready for their annual Army Training Tests , and then annual training exercises on the ' big island ' of Hawaii , so Billy 's hours at work were becoming longer and longer . I missed him so much that I began daydreaming about him during the long hours when the children were sleeping and I was waiting for him to get home and with those daydreams , I fell more and more in love with my handsome husband . I would often finger the letters on my gold bracelet , which gave me comfort as I caressed and spelled out the letters , " More than Life Itself . " It certainly was good to hear from home after such a long wait , but better late than never . Besides , I 'm not the best correspondent in the world . Really , I should be ironing tonight , but if I want to receive letters , I must write letters . The children are asleep and Billy is in the field overnight ( last night too ) , so I really have my thoughts to myself tonight . I 'm beginning to cherish these brief moments of peace and quiet . I would like to just sit and listen to nothing . Maybe it sounds like I 'm off my rocker , but my life is one big merry - go - round . It seems like I 'm going around in circles and getting nowhere . My children are my salvation , but then again I think they are going to be my downfall . Maybe Mike doesn 't know he is three yet . I thought three was the magic kingdom of being better behaved , but it seems to be the opposite with Michael . He 's more determined than ever , and can think of more to get into . Now he knows better , he 's just going to do it anyway and see if he can get away with it . It 's a challenge , and he meets all challenges head on . Right now , he 's nursing a huge black eye ( almost swollen shut ) from meeting a chair head on . He was running in the house and tripped over the vacuum cleaner . He 's real proud of his eye though and asks everybody , " You know what happened to my eye ? " Then he tells them the whole story . I don 't know what to do with him , and I don 't know what I would do without him . That Mike , he 's quite a boy ! Margie is no trouble at all unless I let her be , like bathing her after every meal . She makes such a mess ( her one fault ) , and it 's sticky over here , so I bathe her three times a day . She enjoys her baths so much that I get the utmost pleasure just watching her . I put just a very little bit of water in the bottom of the tub , and then turn her loose . She lies on her fat little tummy and splashes and plays until we 're both soaked . She seldom ever cries unless something is wrong , but every now and then , but not too often , she loses her temper . Boy can she holler if she feels like it ! I just ignore her and in no time , she forgets she is mad . It 's amazing how you can let your second child fuss a bit , when you know that nothing is wrong , and not even hear her . She is still on the breast and as fat as a little butterball . I think she 's gong to be a lady wrestler ! Not really , she may be fat , but she 's tiny . I think she 's going to be smaller than I am , as her bones seem so small . I guess birth weight doesn 't mean much . I hope not ! She would be a wrestler ! Billy is home so little that I don 't even feel like I have a husband just a ghost who makes a mess and leaves dirty clothes . And of course deposits a little money in the bank on occasion . I won 't talk about money since this month will be tight . Everything is terribly expensive over here . Even on post , we pay more than you do at Kroger 's , and they only give us $ 30 more per month . Pay raise please come through ! We would be all right if we were back at Benning , but here we are in a financial bind . I don 't like to think about it , but I 've had to take over the account since we 've been over here as Billy has been too busy . I 'm really too busy too , and it 's not my job , but somebody has to do it , and I don 't like the way he does it . One of his entries read this way : " date - none , check no . - none , amt . - about $ 10 , to cash , for junk . " That 's not so bad ! Most of the time he doesn 't even write a stub ! He 's really not irresponsible , just worked to death . I sure wish he were home more , but at least I don 't have to worry about contraceptives ! ( I thought that there was no point in worrying her needlessly . ) I 'm terribly lonely for adult companionship . I wish one of the boys would come live with me , but they have their roots from which I have been so abruptly torn . Boy ! Am I ever homesick ! It could be worse though . Billy could go to Vietnam . I 'm afraid he will go eventually unless something drastic happens in the near future . I think the 25th Division will be one of the last to go though because there is no other large unit so strategically located that can get there any faster than the 25th . ( Little did I know that the 25th was trained in jungle tactics and were just the type of division that they needed and wanted in Vietnam ! ) So they are saving them for an emergency - I hope so anyway ! I really would have problems if Billy were in Vietnam . I love him so very much , but I am so afraid he is going to war . I thought the last generation fought a war so our generation wouldn 't have to fight one . It all seems so hopeless . I don 't want to lose him , particularly if he 's going to fight a war so the next generation won 't have to - same song , millionth verse . If this isn 't a war to end all wars , my son will fight one too . I haven 't meant to burden you with my problems , as I only know you 've had more than your share . Mine aren 't really problems in the true sense of the word - just thoughts that I need to get off my chest . And since Billy is never here to talk to , I need to tell someone . You have always been so willing to listen to me when no one else would . I guess that 's why I have always felt closer to you than to Mother . She wouldn 't listen . She had too many problems of her own . Poor Mama Bond has always been a shoulder to cry on even when you needed one . But I don 't know of one person who is as dear to as many people as you are . As in all my letters home , I played down the immediacy of Vietnam since I did not want the family to worry , and I knew that any letters I sent to my grandmother or aunt and uncle would eventually get back to my Uncle 's mother . When this happened , like a good neighbor and friend , she would call Bubba , and by then the letter would be completely out of context . Instead , I wrote my own letters to Billy 's grandparents so they would not become worried hearing 2nd , or 3rd hand news . There was no point in having the entire family upset when I could do that for everyone . When I look back and read this letter that my grandmother chose to keep above all letters she was sent , I can tell that I downplayed my love for my handsome husband too since my grandmother did not want to ' hear ' about it , just about the children and me . Besides , how can you put in words the emotions I was feeling , knowing that soon my white knight was off to war ; with the overwhelming fear he would not come home . How can anyone put in words the love that boils over every second of every minute of every hour of every day when I never knew if he would come home at night only to tell me he was leaving for Vietnam the next morning ? I suppose like an ostrich with my head stuck in the sand - if I did not talk about it , it would not happen . Instead , what did happen was far , far worse .

" How long do you figure it 's going to run now ? " Zack asked her . He had spent the last hour working more on a script than on the program , leaving her to that , as she knew exactly what she was doing . " Well , let 's try a simple relaxation script , then . I have to get some rest , or I 'm going to be worthless today . " Zack booted up his rejuvenation script , and readied it to run . " This won 't take an hour . Just fifteen minutes . I don 't like using it , because I 'm not sure what it 'll do to the body if you used it all the time , but every once in a while , I just don 't have any other good options . Like today . See you in a few . " Zack punched the Execute button , and was assaulted by the program . What had once been a rather beautiful and melodic experience was now anything but enjoyable . The sounds were brash and abrasive , and the visuals were causing his eyes to cross . But twelve and a half seconds later , he was under , immersed in the world of his mind . " But he may think you 're just another girl . He probably doesn 't realize the danger you represent to him . Look , take this stuff , " Zack said , handing her a box with disks and a couple notebooks . " This is everything I 've ever done with PAO . If I don 't come back , the program is yours . I 'd ask you to take care of my family , but other than that , just watch your back . " " I can 't give you that information son . I - " The man 's sentence died off when Program Alpha - Omega assaulted him . Ten seconds later , the man shrugged three times . It didn 't require using the program to hitch a ride to St . Louis , as the first pilot was more than willing to let them ride along . They climbed into the business jet and buckled in . They introduced themselves to the other two passengers , who nodded , but didn 't reciprocate . Zack shrugged to himself , and then sat back , waiting for the flight to begin . Zack walked into the terminal at Mid - America airport . It wasn 't St . Louis , exactly , but he was actually closer to where he was going now . He was surprised , as he entered the terminal , to find someone holding up a sign that said " Griffin " . The rest of the ride progressed in silence , until they pulled up to the entrance of an office building , four stories high and quite modern . Zack was duly impressed . His PDA was already in his hands . Zack walked into the building alone . The driver apparently also had no instructions to accompany him . Zack looked around quickly , and spotted a security guard . He walked over , and before the guard could even speak , Zack had begun the man 's reprogramming . " Joy . Write down your contact information . " The man took out a small notebook , wrote down some information , and handed it to Zack . Zack pocketed it , and walked toward the elevator . He was collecting the contact info for every person he enslaved . He might need them soon . " I 'm a programmer , " she replied . The next thing she saw was the bright flash of PAO . Zack knew he didn 't have that much time to work . " Can I help you , young man ? " the middle - aged woman at the desk asked . He knew she 'd been chosen for her looks , because despite her age , she was still hot . He controlled his urges , however . The woman cocked an eyebrow at him , but then got up from her desk . Just as she did , another man came into the office . She turned and greeted him . " Just great . Thanks , Betty , " the guy grumbled . As Betty turned to go into Adam 's office , Zack took his biggest chance yet . He turned his back to Adam 's door , and he aimed his PDA at Mr . Chalmers . The guy turned instinctively to see what this kid was doing , and soon was under Zack 's control . He hastily scribbled his information on a notepad and handed it over , then was on his way . " Adam will see you now , " Betty said . She ushered Zack into the office , and closed the door behind him . Zack looked around the large office , which actually had a conference table on one side of it , away from Adam 's desk . The room was more high - tech than opulent , though the luxuries were still there . Zack waited while William came to the office . William glared somewhat at Zack , but didn 't say anything . Apparently he had not forgotten his Aikido lesson . Zack began to pace , as he often did while thinking . He began to speak , slowly as he worked through his thoughts . " Well , the thing is this : I 've gotten some hints of just exactly what it is you plan to do with the program . What I 'm hearing is very disturbing to me . " Zack stepped closer and looked at the map . It was exactly as it had been described . He noted the number of blue pins in Martina had been reduced from two to one . Zack looked at all the shading , and the legend . " Look , Zack . Don 't get all righteous on me now . I know what you 've been up to . I know about the flashy new car and the nice house . Your hands aren 't clean . . . " " Well , me , of course . But truthfully , do you believe the country runs well now ? I surely can 't hurt it that much more than what 's currently happening to it , can I ? " " I just want to live a nice life . I 'll tell you what I don 't want . I don 't want any part of your little scheme . " " I 'm not sure where you 're getting your information from , Zack , but it 's flawed . I 'm not some evil monster trying to turn the country into a dictatorship . I just want . . . what you want . A nice life . " Adam sighed heavily . He turned back to his desk , and then sat on the front edge of it . " Okay . Let 's lay out exactly what that means . What do you want me to do ? " " Don 't suppose I can get you to stop your little campaign , hmm ? " Zack asked . He had no expectation of a positive answer , but he had to ask . Adam nodded . " Okay , fair enough . I wanted to keep an eye on you , in case you were plotting against me . Call me paranoid , but you can 't begrudge a guy a little security , can you ? " Adam waved William off . " It 's okay , William . The company can absorb the cost . Is there anything more you require to close out our arrangement ? " " You realize that those devices are hardwired to report to us , don 't you ? " William asked . " You are essentially nullifying everything you 've just said . " Adam walked over to shake Zack 's hand . Zack looked at him for a very long moment before reaching out and shaking hands with him . Then Zack followed William out of the room and down the hall . In a small , empty office , William opened a cabinet to retrieve a PDA programming device . Zack could not resist the opportunity . He knew that William was one of Adam 's chief lieutenants . As William turned around , device in hand , Zack pressed Execute . " Wrong . If anyone else asks , your master is Adam . However , if you receive conflicting orders from him and me , you will obey my orders . Is that clear ? " Zack was slightly disoriented when he woke the next morning . He was used to his own bed , and this one wasn 't nearly as comfortable . He groaned , and then rolled over . That 's when he remembered who was in bed with him . Lisa was still asleep , her back turned to him . She had not been hostile to him , but she was clearly not happy , either . He wondered how long he should let her suffer before fixing it so she was happy with things , but he didn 't really have an answer for that . Looking at her naked back , however , was making him horny . Zack slid over , gently pressing his body against hers , his cock pressing against her ass . He slid his hand along her side , pulling the covers down to her waist . Now that her breasts were exposed , he slipped his hand onto one and cupped it gently , tweaking her nipple with his finger . Lisa mewed softly in her sleep , her body enjoying Zack 's attention . He continued to massage her tit , making her nipple hard . He leaned in and ran his tongue along her earlobe , and she giggled in her sleep . He could tell she was rising to wakefulness , though . " Hi , " she said . She wasn 't friendly about it , but she arched her back and pushed her tit into his hand . She could feel his hard - on pressing against her butt cheek , and she was pressing her ass back into him at the same time . " Fine , " she replied , with a soft sigh . She wriggled her body , then asked , " What are we going to do today ? Are we going back to Martina ? " Zack moved his hand as Lisa rolled over to face him . She let her hand slide down his body , going beneath the covers to encircle his hard cock . She smiled at the thought of it as she began to ease herself down the bed , moving toward his waist . As Lisa moved , she exposed Zack 's cock to her view . It was hard and nearly pulsing with arousal . She bent down and sucked the head of it into her mouth , causing Zack to groan with pleasure . She wasted not a second , but began to slide her lips immediately down his shaft , engulfing as much of him as she could . Then , she started to bob her head , sucking him furiously . Zack was lost to the pleasure . Her mouth was exquisite , and he closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensations . Lisa sucked his prick energetically , her head bouncing faster and faster on his pole . Zack was grunting his warning in no time , but she didn 't seem to notice . She barely slowed down as he gave her a final warning , then unleashed a torrent of cum into her mouth . Once she felt the creamy substance hit her tongue , she slowed her pace , and swallowed it all when he was done . But she kept sucking him , even after his orgasm . Lisa was quickly rising to her own peak , but just as she was arriving , Zack stopped her movements . She groaned in frustration , but Zack didn 't care . He pulled her down on top of him and rolled , so that he was on top . Rising to his knees , he started to thrust inside her . Lisa was quickly screaming out her orgasm , lost to the pleasure she was feeling . It lasted for a long time , and Zack wondered how she could stand it . Finally , she started to subside , but Zack didn 't stop fucking her . He eased off for a moment , but he continued to move inside her . Finally , when Lisa 's orgasm was fully past , he pulled out of her . She sighed at the loss of his cock , but she should have known he wasn 't done with her . He rolled her over onto her stomach , and had her get up on her hands and knees . He moved in behind her , but she was not ready when he pressed his cockhead to her asshole . " There 's a first time for everything , " he replied . He pushed in slowly , not wanting to damage her . Slowly , her ass stretched to admit his prick , and then the head of his cock was inside her . She groaned as he continued to slowly push forward until he was halfway inside her . He pulled back out slowly , and then back in , making it a little further . Lisa was moaning loudly now . She had not realized how wonderful this would feel , only aware that it was going to hurt some . The pain was there , but was so overshadowed by the pleasure that she barely noticed . Zack started to stroke into her ass , moving slowly at first , but picking up speed as she relaxed . He reached forward and pulled her up against him . Her back was arched , and he groped her tits as he continued to fuck her ass . Lisa was lost in pleasure . It had been a while since Zack had reamed anyone 's ass , and he was really enjoying Lisa 's . He started to thrust harder and faster as he felt his orgasm approaching . He knew she wouldn 't come with him , but he didn 't care . He was pinching her nipples now , and ramming into her as hard as he could . She was grunting and moaning and crying out in pleasure . Finally , Zack loosed his cum deep into her bowel . The hot cum filling her ass sent her senses into overload , and she screamed out , an intense orgasm washing over her . Zack was surprised , but he could do little more than finish up his own climax , and then gently lower her to the bed as her body wriggled and shivered in the throes of orgasm . Steph shook her head . " He said I was in charge , and that if I wanted to do something , that was okay with him . I want to go shopping . " " Good enough for me ! " Jill said with a smile . The three girls got in Stephanie 's car and drove out . They didn 't notice the station wagon following them . " No one important . I just needed you to look at something . It should only take a second . " The man held up a PDA , and it began displaying a strange sequence of colors and playing an eerie melody . Stephanie stared at it , but when it finished , a half - minute later , she shrugged . " What about you two ? " he asked the others . He displayed it again for them . Neither of them was at all affected by it . They shook their heads . " I 'm afraid I can 't discuss that . Anyway , thank you for your time . I won 't trouble you further . Have a nice day . " Zack sat back and looked out the window . Belleville was a nice enough city , but it held a monster in its midst . Zack wondered just exactly what else Adam would try . He had sent Lisa off to try to find out . She had the reporter 's instincts for digging up dirt . Zack would take a more pedestrian approach . " I don 't know , and I don 't want to know . The less anyone has to do with Adamant , the better . " She walked off , leaving him to eat his breakfast and ponder her words . So , Adam has worked to establish a reputation in this city . And it 's one of fear . That could be useful , somehow . . . but I 'm not sure how . " So what did you find out ? " Zack asked Lisa . He 'd not found out anything terribly useful during his day , except that people were afraid to talk about Adamant Computers . " Not that I 've found on that front . The company has several confidential agreements with other local and not - so - local companies to provide ' services ' . That 's all the paperwork says about them . " The pair were sitting outside a frozen custard shop , discussing the company . Having finished her report , Lisa wanted to get something to eat . She got up and left the table to walk to the outside counter . Zack paid little attention as a car pulled into the parking lot . He saw it , but dismissed it , until the window rolled down . He saw what was happening , but could not react fast enough to do anything . The shot was fired , and the car sped off . Zack didn 't think to get the license number of the car , but instead ran to Lisa . . . Zack began to shake , and he went back to the table to sit , before he fell down . He knew that there was no mistaken identity involved here ; Adam had ordered the death of Zack 's information source . What he didn 't understand is why Adam didn 't go directly for Zack . Three hours later , Zack walked back into his room at the hotel . The police had questioned him endlessly . He had stated - accurately - that he had no idea who the people in the car were . He did not tell them that he believed Adam Sandalwood to be responsible for the killing ; that would have only caused him more grief . He chose not to use PAO , instead relying on simply keeping his mouth shut . " No , not really . Something 's happened . I 'm okay , but it 's pretty serious . I want you to tell everybody to keep their eyes open . In fact , it might be good if you didn 't leave the house until I get back . " " Mom , I 'm fine . They weren 't even shooting at me . I think it might have been Adam trying to send a message . Anyway , just watch yourselves . I 'll be back home tomorrow , around noon . " Two hours later , Zack met the two programmers he had enslaved at the front door to the building . In a few seconds , the guard he 'd enslaved unlocked the door from the inside to let them in . All three of these people had been called in by Zack , to do what they were now doing . The second programmer booted up the system into an administrator account . Zack inserted the CD , and then executed the commands . The virus attached itself to several programs , and waited for them to be executed . Five minutes later , Zack was leaving the building . It would be several hours before his mischief was noticed . He would be on a plane by then . He decided to head directly to the airport . He would be back in Martina by sunrise . Zack woke up around noon , and stretched . He had arrived back in Martina at five o ' clock , ridden his bike home and then gone directly to bed . He had missed two days of class now , but he figured what was going on around him was significantly more important . He would make up the class work . Around one o ' clock , the doorbell rang . Mary answered it , to find Gabrielle standing there . She came in , and saw Zack , going immediately to him and giving him a hug . She followed him up to his bedroom , and he closed the door . She sat on the bed , and then he told her everything that had happened over the weekend . When he was done , she sighed . " Yeah , I know , " he said . " That 's why I want you to back out now . He doesn 't know how dangerous you are yet , and I 'd like to keep it that way . Just pretend I don 't exist , until I get this taken care of . " " I 'm aware of that , " she replied . " But you need me . Let 's face it : you weren 't making nearly as much progress without me . " Gabrielle stood up and walked over to him , and wrapped her arms around his neck . " I know . And I don 't want to see you hurt , either . That 's why someone 's got to have your back . That someone is me . " She ended the dispute by pressing her lips gently to his and kissing him for a long moment . Zack rubbed his hands across her back , holding her tightly against himself . He knew she could feel his hardening cock pressing against her leg . As the couple continued to kiss , Zack reached down and pulled the hem of Gabrielle 's shirt up , letting his hands slide across the smooth skin of her back . His hands traveled up her back , and as they reached her bra , he took the opportunity to unhook that , as well . She moaned into his mouth , encouraging him to continue what he was doing . Zack finished undoing her bra , then moved his hands up further . Finally , they had to part so that he could finish removing her shirt . She lifted her arms , and he pulled the shirt and bra off her body , letting them fall unceremoniously to the floor . He let his eyes travel down her body , enjoying the sight of her curves . Leaning in , he began to kiss her neck . Gabrielle sighed at the feel of his lips on her body , and ran her fingers through his hair . Zack continued to move downward with his lips , kissing and licking as he went . Finally , his tongue circled her areola , teasing her as he got closer and closer . Finally , his tongue slipped across her nipple , and she groaned out loud . He began to suck on her nipple , and his other hand moved up to fondle her other breast . Gabrielle arched her back , pressing her tit into his mouth and hand , and Zack 's other hand rested on her lower back , pulling her more tightly to him . The two stayed like that for some time , Zack switching back and forth between her breasts while Gabrielle moaned and toyed with his hair . Finally , Zack let his hands drop lower , and he unfastened her jeans , pushing them to the floor . Gabrielle worked her feet to pull off her shoes , and then her pants . Meanwhile , Zack pushed her panties off her hips , and they were soon removed with everything else . Zack stood up and led the now - nude Gabrielle over to the bed . He gently laid her down on it , and then he knelt . He parted her legs gently , and leaned in . As his tongue contacted her pussy lips , Gabrielle groaned loudly and arched her back . Zack licked up and down lightly , avoiding her clit for the moment . He could see that she was very moist already , and so he stiffened his tongue and pressed it against her hole . He could feel her pussy contracting against him as his tongue made its way inside her . He wiggled the end of it a little , and Gabrielle mewled . As Zack began to slide his tongue in and out of her opening , he reached up to play with her tits . Gabrielle was rolling her hips , lost in the pleasure of what Zack was doing to her . She was moaning and panting now , her heat rising toward climax . Zack knew she was getting close . He pulled his tongue free of her pussy , and moved it up to flick across her clit . As he repeated this over and over , Gabrielle 's heat rose quickly . She was soon writhing on the bed , right on the verge of orgasm . Zack wrapped his lips around Gabrielle 's clit , and began to suck , hard . This was more than she could stand , and she screamed out in joy , her body wracked with spasms , her orgasm washing over her like a flood . Her juices poured forth and coated Zack 's chin , but he didn 't stop sucking on her clit until she started to come down from her high , which took quite some time . Zack stood up and looked down at her . Her chest was heaving with every breath , and that was very entertaining to watch . She smiled up at him , but was incapable of words yet . He went into the bathroom , and she heard water running , but he was soon back in the bedroom . As he started to remove his clothing , she watched intently from her spot on the bed . He didn 't make a show of it , and so he was quickly naked , his hard cock standing proud . She felt her pussy tingle at the thought of it inside her . Zack reached down to take her hand , and he helped her to her feet . She pressed herself against him , trapping his hard dick between them . He kissed her softly , and then stepped back . He led her into the bathroom , where the shower was finally heating up . He reached in and tested the water before he motioned her inside . Gabrielle stepped into the shower , letting the hot water run over her body . She loved the feel of it , and turned all the way around to let it coat her whole being . Zack stepped in and closed the shower door , and then came to her . He pulled her against him , his cock still hard as iron and ready for her . Zack moved her over to the side of the shower , and told her to put one foot up on the shower seat . Once Gabrielle was where he wanted her , Zack reached over and positioned the shower head so that it would wash over her and keep her warm . Then he turned back to her and embraced her body . His cock slipped between her legs , and he felt it run across her pussy lips . She gasped at the feel of it , and smiled at him . Zack reached down and positioned himself , then pressed forward . His cock slid easily into Gabrielle 's well - lubricated pussy . She moaned at the feel of his cock filling her up . He slid in all the way to his balls , and then rested for just a moment . She let him , staring deep into his eyes and smiling encouragement . Zack began to slide in and out , not moving rapidly . He ran his hands across her back and sides , caressing her everywhere he could reach . He massaged her ass , pulling against her to force himself further into her . She groaned when he did so , enjoying the feel of him inside her . Zack started to thrust faster as his own pleasure built . He grunted with each thrust , the cum beginning to boil in his balls . Gabrielle 's pussy began to squeeze his cock with each thrust , as she tried to pull his climax from him . Zack slumped against Gabrielle for a moment as his orgasm subsided . She held onto him , caressing his back and feeling his dick shrinking within her . She moved her foot to the floor , causing him to slip out of her , but that was okay for the moment . She set him down on the shower seat , and moved the shower head to wash him off a bit . Gabrielle knelt down in front of Zack , and started to lick his balls . He looked down at her in surprise , but she paid no attention . She took each of them into her mouth , and sucked on them gently . After a while , when she felt his sensitivity had subsided , she released his balls , and began to lick his shaft . Zack sighed in pleasure as Gabrielle 's tongue worked him over . She licked up and down his pole repeatedly . Finally , she took the head of his dick into her mouth , and began to suck on it . Zack grunted at the feel of it , and it didn 't take all that long before he was fully hard again . Gabrielle didn 't release him then , but she stopped sucking . She bobbed her mouth on his prick , making sure he was good and hard . Finally , she let him loose , and stood up . Zack got the idea , and rose from the seat . He moved in behind her , and pressed his cockhead to her opening . He slipped in just as easily as before , burying himself fully inside her in one smooth stroke . Zack grabbed hold of her hips , and began to thrust in and out of her . He pulled her back into him as he pushed forward , shoving his prick as deeply into her as he could . She was quickly grunting with each thrust . Zack leaned forward and then reached up and grabbed her tits , which were swinging with each thrust . He groped them strongly , pinching her nipples and tugging on them . Gabrielle squealed and moaned with his movements , her heat rising again . After a while , Zack stood back up , thrusting harder into her pussy . She grunted louder as he moved faster . He gave her a couple light smacks on the ass , and she muttered some encouragements . Taking a chance , Zack reached down and put his hand on the crack of her ass . He bent his thumb and pressed it against her asshole . At first , she cringed , but then she relaxed , letting him do whatever he wanted . Zack pressed his thumb into her ass as he continued to thrust into her . In a few seconds , his thumb was fully inside her . He picked the pace back up , wiggling his thumb in time with his thrusts . Gabrielle was very quickly on the brink of orgasm this way . Her pussy was squeezing and grasping at Zack 's cock , trying to milk him . The pleasure this caused was pushing him to the edge , as well . The two bucked against each other , moving closer and closer to climax . Gabrielle was the first to go , screaming out her ecstasy and bucking wildly against Zack . The movements of her pussy on his dick were too much for him to take , and he loosed his seed into her once more . He grunted as his hips rocked out of his control . It was long moments before either of them came down from their high . Finally , Zack became more coherent , and he slipped out of Gabrielle 's pussy . She was still twitching from her orgasm , and she cried out one last time as he slowly pulled his thumb from her ass . He washed himself off while waiting for her to regain her senses . She leaned against the wall , and finally turned around to face him , resting her back against the cool tile . " I want that sonofabitch dead ! " Adam screamed . " And you find out who helped him , and I want them in my office . Today ! We 've lost a week because of that kid ! " William kept his cool . " Sir , are you sure that 's the best course of action to take in this situation ? We might need him yet . " " Listen to me , you bastard . If any of you were half as smart as you led me to believe you were , we wouldn 't be relying on a goddamned teenager to make the program work ! You 're in no position to offer advice ! " " Contact our operative in Martina . Tell him to hire whatever help he needs , but that I want Zack Griffin dead by the end of the day ! And BRING ME TERRY MEULLER ! " Zack watched as Wendy dove in , swimming beneath the water . He enjoyed looking at her body as it moved . He looked around at the other girls , as well . Mary and Sharon were by the grill chatting . Stephanie and Beverly were dangling their feet in the pool . Jill was sunbathing . Angela was in the chair next to him , asleep . Shirley and Terry were in the yard , tossing a Frisbee . Brian , Pam and Bonnie weren 't home at the moment ; they 'd gone off to get supplies . Gabrielle was currently inside taking a shower . She 'd spent the night , and she wanted to be clean before she got in the pool . Little did he know that he was being watched once again . Very close to the spot that Lisa Dunham had once crouched was another stranger . This one had a cellphone , and placed a call . The recipient of that call was in a car down the block . Once the call was made , two men emerged from the car and began to walk toward the Griffin house . As soon as they saw Zack , the two men reached into their jackets in unison . They were still twenty yards or more away , but that didn 't stop them . They pulled out their pistols and took aim , firing as soon as they could . Zack had seen them reach into their jackets , and known that movement for what it was . " Oh , shit ! " he uttered , and was moving back for the house as soon as he could . They got off two shots , anyway , before he was under cover . " Everyone in the house ! Go , go , go ! " He ignored the frightened screams of a couple of the girls as he herded them all into the house as fast as he could . Shirley and Terry were behind him , and they all ran into the house . The men had started walking more quickly , but didn 't know the layout of the house , so didn 't want to run into something unexpected . A few of the girls broke away , but most stayed with Zack as he headed for the front of the house . He stopped in the living room , unsure . He didn 't want to go out the front door , figuring there were probably more armed men waiting there to ambush them . He stalled , looking back and forth . The other girls in the room looked to him for advice . Shirley and Terry had not followed Zack , but had ended up in the kitchen instead . While Terry shivered and tried to figure out what to do , Shirley looked around . She grabbed the best weapon she could find , and moved back toward the back hallway . The two men made their way through the pool room and entered the back hall . The space was crowded , so they could not stand side by side . Shirley let the first one go by as she hid just inside the butler 's pantry , but just as the second gunman was about to move past , she stepped out and swung with all her might . The cast - iron skillet she was wielding connected soundly with the side of the man 's head . Her swing carried all the force she could muster , and her aim was dead - on . The man 's head snapped over sharply , and the bones cracked . He slumped against the wall , and then slid down it to the floor . Unfortunately , the man in front was alert , and turned as soon as he heard the sound of cast iron hitting bone . He saw Shirley , and raised his gun . A single bullet left his gun and entered her skull from the side , exploding her brains out of her head and onto the wall . She fell like a marionette with its strings cut . The girls screamed at the loud report of the gun fired in the house . Zack swore , knowing that couldn 't mean good news . He still didn 't know what to do , had no clue how to beat these bastards . He still stood in the middle of the living room , not able to take his own advice to hide because he was trying to work out how to win . The remaining gunman advanced through the house without further challenge . He looked into each room , making sure no one was hiding there to attack him from behind . It didn 't take him long to reach the living room , where he saw his target standing in the open . " Steph ! " Zack screamed . She had charged across the room and thrown herself between him and the gunman at the very last possible moment . She had taken the shot that would surely have killed him . She collapsed against him , and he staggered to hold her upright . Forgetting his predicament , he lowered her gently to the floor . He could see the wound had not hit her in the heart , but there was a lot of blood . The gunman , stunned at what had just happened , stood there in shock for a few seconds . He 'd killed a lot of people , and had never once seen someone step in front of a bullet for another . His astonishment would cost him , however . Wendy had been ahead of Zack , and had run for the front door , thinking to escape that direction . When she realized that no one else was accompanying her , she stopped , unsure of what to do . She heard the sirens in the distance , and though she had no idea who had called the police , she hoped they got there fast . She seized the large umbrella in its stand as a way to protect herself , not that she thought it was going to do much good against a gun . She heard the first shot , and cringed , hiding around the corner inside the foyer of the house . When she heard Stephanie 's scream of rage , her curiosity got the better of her . She crept along the hallway wall , moving toward the living room . It was a short distance , and she peered around the corner just after the shot , as Zack was lowering Stephanie to the floor . Wendy took everything in quickly . She saw the gunman , still standing there , still pointing his weapon . She saw the others peeking out behind furniture , not wanting to expose themselves , but needing to see what was going on . In an instant , Wendy knew two things . She knew that if someone didn 't do something fast , they were all going to die . The second thing she knew was that she had a weapon in her hands . Rushing into the room , she stepped to the side of the gunman as she swung the umbrella . She had the presence of mind not to swing for his head or body , but instead swung straight down , connecting with his wrist . The hard wood handle of the umbrella cracked sharply across the man 's wrist , and he dropped the gun instantly , his hand engulfed in intense pain . The man straightened up , then looked around . He didn 't see his gun , and he didn 't carry a backup . He heard sirens , and they were close . That was all he needed to know . As fast as he could with a broken wrist and some other nasty bruises , he ran out the back of the house . Had anyone tried to stop him , they probably could have , but there were more important issues to be dealt with at the time . The officer reported this , as well . Soon , there were police officers swarming over the house grounds . It wasn 't long before the second gunman , and Shirley , were discovered . Soon , the atonal wailing of the ambulance was heard , and EMTs were soon standing over Stephanie . They looked at her injury , and decided to put her on a backboard . They loaded her onto the stretcher , and headed for the ambulance . " I 'm going with her , " Zack said to no one in particular . No one tried to stop him , either . He put the commotion behind him as he climbed into the ambulance with his critically injured friend , and took her hand as the ambulance raced away from the chaos . " I don 't really know , either , " he lied . " I think maybe they were after Mr . Danforth . He used to live in the house , but we moved in not too long ago . Maybe he has some enemies . Anyway , no , I don 't really know who they were or what 's going on . " " Okay . I 'll have one of the officers get it . I 'm sorry to tell you that one of the young women in the house didn 't survive the attack . " " I know it 's no consolation , but she took one of the bastards out before she died . The best we can figure , she clobbered one of them with a frying pan so hard it snapped his neck . Unfortunately , the other one shot her at point - blank range . I 'm sure she died instantly . There wouldn 't have been any pain . " Zack nodded , his body shaking slightly . He wasn 't sure if he was angry or scared , or both . All he knew at the moment was that the war with Adam had begun in earnest , and he wasn 't ready for it . " The bullet landed very close to her spine . There 's been some swelling . Currently , she is paralyzed . She has no movement below her waist . Now , " the doctor said , hurrying on because of the distraught looks he was receiving , " this could be temporary . The condition may go away as the swelling recedes . " " Not just yet . She 's still in recovery . We 'll be moving her up to her room in about an hour . You all should get something to eat and get some rest . I 'll have a nurse tell you when you can see her . " Gabrielle entered the room to find Zack staring out the window . She watched him for a few moments without him knowing she was there . She could see the tension in his body , could tell that something was bothering him . She wondered if he would talk to her about it , or if it was too personal a hell to be shared . She walked into the room , and looked down at Stephanie 's sleeping body . She had not awakened from her injuries yet , and that had the doctors concerned . It wasn 't a coma ; her brainwaves indicated it was shallower sleep than that , but the longer she went without waking , the more worried they became . < There are other ways to have a conversation , > Gabrielle said into his mind . She felt him cringe slightly , so she didn 't intrude further . It took a long time before he said anything at all . < Didn 't I ? I made her my slave . She probably thought it was her duty to protect me , even at the cost of her life ! > < Still . You didn 't shoot her . You didn 't invite those people to your home ; they were sent there to kill us . You couldn 't have foreseen - > < Oh , yes I could have . All I had to do was listen to Shirley . She told me time and again how dangerous Adam is . I could have seen this coming , if I 'd been paying closer attention . But even that doesn 't really matter . Had she not been there , she wouldn 't be lying here now . Shit , I should have realized what kind of road I was on when Claudia left . > < The first girl I ever programmed . Hell , my initial goal with the program revolved around her . I never really thought this would go as far as it has . . . Of course , when I started out , I didn 't know about Adam at all . But I still should have known that things weren 't going to work out right . > < Don 't you see ? None of those girls wants to be there . Not really , not deep down inside . I 'm forcing them all . And that got one killed , and one paralyzed and in a coma . > < Whatever . The point is , I should never have gone this far . I should have dumped the program after Claudia left . I should have freed Stephanie then , and just gone on being a normal , nerdy teenager . > < Someone would have eventually got it to work . Either someone like you , or someone in his company . Some other person might not have been as ethical as you . They might have thought Adam 's plan was a good idea . They might have wanted to join up . > < So then we 'd all be screwed ! You included ! Yes , people have gotten hurt . More may get hurt in the future , before we find a way to take Adam down . But the truth is that someone has to stand in his way , and that someone has to have used the program . > < Four months ago , you 'd probably have thought Adam 's plan was a cool idea . Run the country , get whatever you want , have all the babes you want . But because you 've used the program , you know what it means . You know the limits of how far you should go with this kind of control . Someone who hadn 't used the program wouldn 't have that knowledge . > < Will survive . Injured , yes , but she 'll live . Hopefully , she will walk again someday . But even if she doesn 't , alive is better than dead . And you are saving her from a worse fate . > < Because you give a damn about her . If you didn 't , you wouldn 't be so tormented now . Do you think Adam would be standing here , watching over her ? No , he 'd be off plotting some more , or screwing one of his other women . You have to understand that you have certain rules you live by . Sure , they involve you having control of people , but you don 't take that too far , and you don 't let it get out of hand . That 's what makes you different . > < Believe me or not as you wish , but I 'd rather have you holding the program than Adam , any day . I 'll leave you alone now , I know you don 't really want to talk about this . Just realize that you have a family that cares about you , and they will get you through this . > " The bullet landed right near your spine . There 's swelling , and . . . " Zack took a big breath , " right now , you 're paralyzed from the waist down . " Stephanie closed her eyes , trying to will her legs to move . It didn 't work . She couldn 't feel the sheet against her legs , either . She had to admit that he was telling her the truth . Zack squeezed her hand tighter . " We don 't know that . When the swelling goes down , you might be able to . This isn 't a done deal , Steph . We have to keep up hope . " " Wendy hit him with an umbrella , then he ran off before the cops showed up . But that 's not the point . That guy was there to kill me . " " Ain 't I ? If you weren 't under the influence of my program , you 'd see it differently . You 'd probably hate me . " He pointed the PDA at Stephanie , and pressed Execute . In twelve seconds , she shrugged twice and settled . It took a long moment for her to look at him . " Okay , I 'll give . You did control me at the beginning . But you haven 't made me do anything I didn 't want to in a long time . " Steph continued , " And I still do . " She reached out to touch his arm , and he leaned in when she tugged on him . They embraced gently for a long moment , but it didn 't change Zack 's mind about what needed to be done . " Sure ! " Wendy raced off to do as he 'd asked her . He walked into the living room and sat down , trying to figure out exactly how he was going to do what had to be done . " I need to apologize to all of you . I knew that Adam was dangerous , and I ignored the possibility that he might try something like this . That was my stupidity , and it got someone killed , and another person severely injured . " " No , I know what you 're going to say . Yes , Adam started it , but I should have seen it coming . I should have done something about it . More importantly , I shouldn 't have made all of you stay here when there was danger . I should have let you choose . That was inexcusable . " " Sure you would , because you have to . At least , right now you do . Most of you here already know that I did something to you , to make you stay . " Zack pulled out his PDA and showed it to them . " Most of you know what this thing does . The rest of you were actually tricked into watching the program . " I 'm sorry I put all of you in danger . I can 't make you stay here and live with myself if something bad happens . I 'm going to release all of you . Adam has the same program , but I 'm going to make it so that he can 't ever program you . " " You son of a bitch , " she said . She stood up and slapped him , leaving a mark . " I hope you rot in hell ! " She stormed out of the room and up the stairs . He assumed she was going to pack . Beverly thought to go after her , but he motioned her to stay . " Why try to convince her ? In a minute , you 'll feel the same way . " Zack ran the program on Beverly , since she had given him the opportunity . He watched as her face contorted in confusion . That surprised him , but he waited for the anger to kick in . It never did . " I suppose I should be mad at you , " she said . " But I learned a lot about myself this summer . Your opinion of me was pretty accurate . I was a spoiled rich girl . I guess having all that taken away . . . well , I learned a lot , as I said . " Beverly fidgeted . " Though I guess I am bi , I don 't really feel comfortable with my relationship with Stephanie . And I 'd like to get back to school . I think I need to move back to the dorm . " As Beverly left the room , Zack noticed some of the ladies talking quietly amongst themselves . He moved to Angela , and ran the program on her . He really feared her reaction , as he really liked her . " I 'm not mad at you . You did what you had to do , at least as far as I 'm concerned . And you 're good in bed , " she said , causing Zack to blush and the others to giggle . " But I 'm scared . I can 't stay here and be comfortable . I need to go , at least until the whole thing with Adam is cleared up . I 'm sorry . " He hugged her , and stroked her back . " It 's okay , I understand . " When they broke the embrace , he said , " If you need help finding a job . . . " " Oh , okay . " Zack wasn 't sure exactly how to handle them , anyway . He turned to the three remaining ladies : the ones who had been speaking conspiratorially . As he moved to them , they each turned away and closed their eyes . " Uh , guys . . . " Zack said , unsure of what they were doing . " This is to release you . Honest . I 'm not going to program you further . . . " Zack sat down in the nearest chair , and sighed . After some thought , he said , " Actually , Wendy . . . you 're not under the program . The only thing I ever had the program do to you was to make you not jealous of me with other girls , and you asked me to do that . But Mary . . . and Mom . . . I mean . . . " " It 's okay , Sweetheart . I 'm happy with you . Your father and I were . . . comfortable , but it wasn 't really happiness . It was more like you get used to things being a certain way , and it 's not annoying enough to change it . It 's not like that with you ; you 're fun and interesting and you pay attention to me . " " You can open your eyes . I 'm not going to deprogram you if you 're that set against it . I just can 't believe you 'd want to stay like this . " " Zack , honey , " his mother said , " I may not have known what you were doing when you did it , but I still remember what my life has been like . Except for this last week , this summer has been the best I 've had in about fifteen years . Why would I want to change it ? " Zack sighed and closed his eyes . " Y ' all are weird , " he replied . He felt someone sit gently in his lap . He opened his eyes to see his mother there . Zack saw Stephanie 's eyes light up as he entered her hospital room later that day . She smiled at him , and reached out for him as he came over . He gave her a hug and a long kiss , and then he held her hand . Stephanie smiled at him . " I was happy . I didn 't worry about anything . If you said it was going to be okay , then I knew it was going to be okay . Now I worry about everything . What I 'm going to do with my life . Whether I 'll walk again . Whether my father will find me and hurt me again . . . " " Your dad will never trouble you again . He moved away after the public nudity incident . " Apparently Mr . Bromwell had not been able to live down running around naked and waving his dick at every ugly woman he saw . Zack had heard that one of the women he had accosted actually took off her own clothes , right there in the park , and they 'd been caught fucking . But he wasn 't sure if that was true or not . He did know that Mr . Bromwell now lived in Kentucky somewhere , and that his life was falling apart . That made him happy , but he was disturbed by Stephanie 's request . " That 's not the point . The point is that I worry all the time now . I didn 't worry when you were in charge . Please ? You can fix this for me . . . "

Previously , I wrote about the difficulties Grace was having at school with some girl drama . This got me thinking about my own college experience and I remembered that my roommate Joy and I , sharing a triple , had been less than kind to the third girl in the room . Her name was Kim and I can 't remember now why she got on our nerves , but I do know that we didn 't include her in our activities and probably made her feel uncomfortable being in her own room . I know , I know . That 's totally unforgivable . I messaged Joy on Facebook and she agreed that we were mean , but remembered that our third roommate had some strange rituals that we made fun of , like daily weigh ins while she was naked . Being naked in front of other girls makes girls uncomfortable . Nevertheless , we were wrong to be rude . The funny ( ? ) thing about it was that I hadn 't thought about this girl for years , until Grace began having friend issues at college . I decided that the right thing to do was to find Kim on Facebook and send her an apology message . So I did . I had to look a few minutes to find Kim instead of Kimberly , but when I saw the picture of her , I knew that it was her , my former roommate . I sent her a message apologizing , saying that I had been rude and selfish , and explaining that our behavior was not justified . I sent the message off and made it clear that I didn 't expect an answer but simply wanted to apologize . The next day , my brother was visiting . He knew this former roommate , since he lived down the hall from me , and I wanted to show him that the girl looked exactly the same . I started searching for her on Facebook . I couldn 't find her anywhere . " She probably blocked you , " he said . I 'm not saying that I didn 't deserve to be blocked . I hadn 't planned to contact her again so she didn 't need to worry that I would start messaging her regularly or ask to be her friend on Facebook , but it kind of feels like I held out an olive branch and she swatted it out of my hand . I suppose it 's no less than I deserved because , although I haven 't thought of her for yat One year ago today , I was in Paris . It 's the anniversary of the crazy , mixed up schedule when we missed the early train to Monet 's garden and we needed to find a place to hang out for an hour until the next train . I took some photos in this little pub / cafe while we ate breakfast and I love the expression on that guy 's face . On a gorgeous day , we got to ride bikes and walk through the Monet 's garden . In spite of the missed train and then a bicycle sprint back to catch the train to Paris , the day was amazing . Then that night we went to dinner at a friend 's apartment , taking a bus in the wrong direction first then not being able to get into the building . Finally we got in and had a delicious dinner and shared an evening with some new friends . Their daughter Marie spent five weeks with us two summers ago and the parents were delightful . We definitely feel comfortable sending Grace over there to stay with them next year . When we walked to the metro , we saw this beautiful scene of the Eiffel Tower and a gorgeous full moon . Sometimes memories can get you through a tough patch , so I 'll hold on to these . Well , and I 'll share them with you . This morning , I am determined to rewrite the opening line of my novel . I packed up my computer and biked down to Caribou Coffee . This place has great writing memories for me . This is where I came early in the morning for weeks and weeks when I was writing my first novel , leaving the kids at home with Earl . I felt sure I could make some real writing progress here . The room has a warehouse feel in the open ceiling that shows the ductwork painted a redwood color , but the floor is wood and painted concrete and the furniture has a crafstman style - - wooden love seats with upholstered cushions , leather arm chairs and slick wood tables with straight backed wooden chairs . Many of the tables are taken and even more of the outlets for plugging in computers are occupied . I spotted an open table and made a beeline for it . I set up my computer , even finding an available outlet . Once settled at the table , I looked up and nearly jumped away from the pastel drawing that is hung on the wall above me . Caribou displays the artwork of various artists . Some of them have been whimsical , some of them beautiful . This one was just scary . At first , I thought it was a painting of a sad clown . As I looked at it more , I realized it was supposed to be a woman with a hat . Either way , it 's definitely inhibiting my writing . The placement of the lights didn 't make for a clear picture , but I think you can get the idea . Now I need to ignore the freaky woman peering down at my computer and try to write . The drawing is for sale for $ 50 if anyone wants to buy it and get it off the wall so I can focus on my work again . I remember when they were little and the excitement built as we moved toward Easter . We 'd color eggs and I 'd plan the jump ropes and slinkies that I 'd hide in their Easter baskets so they wouldn 't get overloaded on chocolate . Sigh . . . I mailed Grace an Easter box last week and I was left home with 15 and 17 - year - old boys . Would they even want Easter baskets ? They would never turn down candy . " Are you still going to hide Easter baskets ? " Tucker asked in the week before Easter . His eyes looked hopeful . " Well . . . not me , but the Easter bunny will , " I told him . We talked about it the night before and decided the boys needed to get up around 8 : 30 so they could find their Easter baskets then get ready for church . Tucker got up and took a shower . A shower ? Before Easter baskets ? See , what kind of excitement is that ? Spencer finally got up about 10 til 9 and stumbled around until he found his basket then collapsed on the couch . Tucker " didn 't feel well " which curiously is how he feels most Sundays when we insist he accompany us to church . Easter was no different . He was angling to stay home even before he began looking for his basket . This is one of those " if looks could kill " given by a teenager and caught on camera . It practically makes me a wildlife photographer - - catching the native species in its natural , aggravated state . After mass , we went to my sister - in - law 's house to play with baby Caroline who was dressed in a floaty Easter dress but who had not tasted chocolate that day . Ah . The innocence . The only problem was that I took the picture with my phone and she kept tilting her head around to see the picture before I had finished taking it . After a good meal , the boys interacted with their aunts , uncles and older married cousins . They carried on farily decent teenage conversations with adults and were in much better spirits when we returned home . Hope your Easter was joyous , or at least you didn 't have surly teens . Last night , my brother Kevin , his wife Dawn and 14 - year - old daughter Caroline came to our house to wait for their son in the Navy to land at the Columbus airport . While his flight was delayed and delayed again , we decided to play a fun game we got for Christmas . The thing is , the boys were gone , and we really needed another teenager to make the game more fun for Caroline . That 's when we got on the computer and called Grace on Skype . We set the computer in front of a chair with the camera facing the game board so she could play too . Do you see her on the screen there ? Whenever it was Grace 's turn , we held up the cards for her to make her choice then answer a question . It may not have been as much fun for Grace as it was for us . I imagine it was a bit confusing as everyone talked and Kevin took the dog outside and we laughed at things that she couldn 't see because the camera was facing the game board . Still , it was almost like having her there with us . Earl won by the way . Yay ! I have six days where I don 't have to physically go to work . I mean , I still have online classes that I have to grade and respond to , and I have to prepare my syllabus for the next semester at the other college where I teach , but I could sit around in my pajamas for the next six days . The problem with teaching at two colleges is that they are on totally different schedules . One college is on quarters and the other is on semesters then breaks those semesters down into 8 - week sessions . The one college had spring break three weeks ago . Next week the other college has spring break . Rarely do the breaks coincide . I thought I was going to get a vacation at the end of June . I told my mom that we were coming down to Florida . Now I found out that the one college has a two - week break in the middle of June and the other college has a one break at the end . They don 't coincide again . . . . I 've asked to teach online this summer . I am determined to get a vacation eventually - - to leave the state and go somewhere other than New York to pick up Grace from college . I know no one will feel sorry for me since I snuck away for a fabulous vacation in Paris last year at this time . But you can 't live on Paris memories forever . Although I 'll keep trying . Aaaah , Paris . Today we 've had rain and storms . I had to teach at 3 : 30 and as I drove downtown the tops of the buildings were wrapped in clouds . I took the picture with my phone ( not an iPhone , obviously ) . When I sent the picture to Grace , she thought the buildings were on fire . Nope . Just wrapped in low - hanging clouds . I have a hard time choosing which charities to give to . They all seem so worthy . How do I decide ? I usually give to the local NPR station . I love NPR . I would not have survived being a stay - at - home mom without the intellectual stimulation of NPR . It seems right to give to something that I 'm using daily . I also give to the local YMCA . My kids have done sports at the YMCA since they were little . Now only Tucker continues to swim there , but I know plenty of other kids who don 't have the money or are in danger of becoming obese can go to the Y and learn how to play soccer or basketball . That seems worthy too . With the slow economy , I also felt like I should give to the local food pantry . Making sure people have enough to eat seems more important than playing games or listening to NPR , right ? But wait a minute , I just got something from the Sierra Club explaining how the earth might not even be habitable unless we take some action . I mean , what good does it do to provide food and exercise for people along with intellectual stimulation if the earth becomes too warm or too watery for people to live here . We have to take care of the earth . Then I get an email from a politician or a political party pledging to make things better in the economy , which could fix the hungry people , and they also promise to help clean up the oceans and wean the U . S . from its oil fixation so the earth can be healthy again . Maybe I need to support the politicians and trust them to improve our country and our planet . It 's so hard to prioritize . Then I 'll see a picture of little children in an orphanage and I 'll be sucked right back to thinking that I need to donate to them instead . It 's a vicious cycle for me . Which charities do you donate to ? I want it established right up front that walking to the library was my idea . I had a whole route planned out where we could stop by the bakery to get a baguette then have a coffee at the coffee shop then run by the grocery store . It 's true that my friends and I canceled our morning run because the wind howled through the trees and a cold rain fell . By 10 : 30 or so , the morning seemed to have cleared up . Let 's say the weather resembled this day along the Atlantic . I remembered to grab the big umbrella from the back of the car and I said to Earl , " How about if we both take umbrellas ? " " Nah , " he said . " It 's not going to rain . " So we walked to the library in the light breeze avoiding puddles on the sidewalk . We picked up an Italian movie for tonight then we took a turn up a side street to go past the school . A drop of rain fell on my arm . Then another . Thunder rumbled and a shrill whistle blew at the field . Soccer was canceled due to thunder . The kids ran screaming from the field as Earl opened the umbrella and held it above me . I understand that holding the umbrella can be a tiring job and I am thankful to him for doing it , but , to be honest , the person not holding the umbrella gets wetter than the person holding the umbrella . He thinks he is keeping me dry , but he is a foot taller than I am , so inevitably the rain begins to soak my shoulder . We walked fast but the rain became more fierce as the thunder rumbled . In a yard between two tall buildings , the rain came in at an angle blowing my hair across my face . " Get on my other side , " Earl said as he attempted to block the rain with the umbrella . We rounded the corner headed toward Panera and the rain suddenly turned to hail bouncing off the sidewalk in little chunks . The rain came straight at our faces and Earl held his umbrella in front of us and it buckled . I ran for it . My jeans were soaked . My wet hair curled wildly . My socks were wet inside my shoes . We decided to get the baguette and the coffee at Panera so we didn 't have to go any farther . We shivered in the cool restat Today I had a doctor appointment . I hadn 't been to the doctor in awhile . You know what I dreaded the most ? Getting weighed . Ridiculous . I 'm an adult woman with strong self esteem . My husband would be happy to tell you that I never think I 'm wrong . Yet the idea of walking in and being weighed by the nurse makes me feel like a junior high girl trying to get in with the popular crowd . I never think I 'll measure up . In honor of the weigh - in , I gave up wheat for the week because I immediately feel thinner when I don 't eat wheat . I also avoided eating red meat all week in case the doctor wanted to test my cholesterol . I exercised every morning , but I usually exercise most mornings , so it wasn 't that different . This morning , I fasted , water only before my appointment . Of course , I said that was so they could take my blood , but it also might have been because of that sliding metal arrow on the scale . Why does the scale at the doctor always weigh heavier than any other scale ? As I got dressed , I picked my lightest weight clothes . Luckily , it was warm out . I wore cotton capris , a short sleeve t - shirt and my crocs . The outfit would not have won any fashion awards , but it probably weighed a pound at the most . Now for most people going to the doctor , getting weighed should be the least of our problems . We don 't visit the doctor simply because she 's funny . We usually have a medical concern . There are times though that I avoid going , even if I need to , because I don 't want to be weighed . I guess it 's time to get over that . If I don 't like my weight then I had better change it rather than avoid the doctor . The problem with being a woman in the United States is that no matter what our weight , we 're never satisfied with it . In my late 20s and through my childbirthing years , my weight stayed at 118 pounds . After each baby , it slid right back to 118 with very little effort . Yet , never in my life have I thought of myself as thin or slim or even " just right . " So it doesn 't really matter what the scale says . The picture I have of myself iat This is my very lame way of celebrating , maybe commemorating , my 500th blog post , which was the last one I wrote . I never realized it until I clicked on it again to write another post and saw that I had completed 500 posts . Some good . Some boring . Some interesting . Some with way too much information . Thanks for reading . Tucker has always been precocious . Maybe because he 's the third kid and he caught on quickly to what his older brother and sister were doing . He learned how to work the mouse on the computer when he was 18 months old . He learned how to pedal a bike when he was two . He started the violin at 4 and quickly caught up with his older brother . Does it count as being precocious if you can grow facial hair early ? Tucker just turned 15 and is growing a beard . He has had a few episodes in the past where he refused to shave and the hair on his face looked scraggily , like Shaggy from Scooby Doo . This time , I think he 's actually got something going . Luckily , he still has braces so he doesn 't look like he 's 20 when he smiles . People have always told Tucker that he looks like his father . I warned him that he would get more comments that he and Earl look alike if he grew a beard . He was undeterred . Looks are not the only way Tucker and Earl are similar though . Actually , both of my sons take after the father in this one way . I was making French toast for breakfast on Saturday morning . I hadn 't put the powdered sugar and spoon into a bowl like I usually do . Tucker pulled the bag of powdered sugar from the " baking center " where I store it . As he took off the clip and began to unfold it , he started coughing . Then when he sprinkled the powdered sugar on his French toast and took a bite , he coughed again . All of the men in my family get choked on powdered sugar . Earl has often told the story of how he nearly choked to death when he was a child because his sister sprinkled the brownies with powdered sugar . No matter how much they all look like each other , or don 't , they have that one trait , a hatred for powdered sugar . Yet , they continue to encounter it . Today was the most gorgeous day of the year with the temperature climbing to 80 degrees and the blossoms suddenly bursting forth on the trees . Spencer is playing AAU basketball , which means many weekends are spent at local basketball tournaments . Today 's tournament was 45 minutes away and they played at 9 a . m . so we left before 8 . The morning was foggy and eerie until about half way to Lancaster . Then the sun burned through . Only five guys showed up for Spencer 's team , so they all played hard the entire game without any subs , getting only a 3 minute break at half time . Spencer had some friends over for awhile then they decided to go bike riding . When Earl and I got home from ballroom dance class , a sweaty Spencer was sitting in a stupor on the couch . I took the boys for ice cream then Spencer swung his legs over the arm of the chair and he fell asleep while Tucker controlled the remote control . When Spencer roused after a little while , I urged him to move to the now vacated couch so he didn 't get a stiff neck . As the bright sun headed toward 6 p . m . , it left these shadows on my tired boy 's sleeping face . An afternoon nap well earned during a pretty satisfying weekend . I was supposed to run with Dream Girl and Pam this morning , but my knee is a little swollen and I thought 7 . 5 miles would be pushing it . So I stayed in bed where the cats pestered me until I finally got up to feed them . Since I 'm not running with my friends in my weekly therapy session , I may as well write about them . For anyone who doesn 't know the story of Dream Girl , she was diagnosed with breast cancer last March . She had a lumpectomy at the end of that month . She and her husband went hiking on the Appalachian Trail then she began her chemotherapy treatments and met us each Saturday for a run . She was amazing . She out ran us throughout the summer and throughout her chemotherapy . She kept running through the summer and into the fall She ran the half - marathon in October . Now Dream Girl has hair again and has had two haircuts . This isn 't a good picture of her because we had just run 7 miles and I made her take her hat off for a picture , but as you can see , her hair is back and it 's kind of wavy . When Dream Girl went to see her doctor , she told him that people kept asking if she was cured or in remission . She didn 't know what to tell them . The doctor said she won 't be considered cured until she has gone 10 years without a recurrence of cancer . Gulp . How will she know if it comes back , she asked . Scans , blood tests , xrays ? " Your body will tell you , " he said . Double gulp . What does he mean her body will tell her ? Did her body tell her about the original lump ? Not soon enough . I don 't like the idea that the doctor is relying on her to figure it out . I don 't like it when the eye doctor shows me one lens then another and says , " Which is clearer ? Lens 1 or Lens 2 ? " What if I 'm wrong ? You tell me , I want to shout . But which lens is clearer is a much less important question than has my cancer returned . The doctor explained that the scans are expensive and make a lot of money for the companies that give them , but he doesn 't rely on them . He told Dream Girl to begin self - breast exams again . She suggested that if the cancer came bat I watched a few minutes of a show called Extreme Couponing last night on TLC . I know it 's ridiculous , but I kind of wondered how someone could spend $ 600 on groceries and only pay $ 6 for them . I 'd like to do that . Unfortunately , the show doesn 't really explain how to save a lot of money with coupons . Photo from TLC website . It focuses on a couple of families in each half hour episode . It shows the family 's " stash " where they store loads and loads of items , like toilet paper , paper towels , canned goods , boxed goods . Then it shows them organizing coupons , going through the weekly sales papers and finally at the grocery store . The families pushed three and four carts each and the checkout took two hours . One woman bought $ 1800 worth of groceries and paid less than $ 100 for them . That same woman said she wants her kids to be able to go to college without loans and that she has saved $ 40 , 000 on groceries by couponing . Earl was impressed that she had saved that much money . I suggested that she hadn 't actually put away $ 40 , 000 , but had avoided spending $ 40 , 000 on groceries . I 'm sure that unspent money dissipated into the family budget somewhere . And if I was going to be really catty , I would point out that $ 40 , 000 would pay for one of her seven kids to go to college for two years . Here 's something I noticed while watching the show . First , stores don 't offer coupons for meat or vegetables or fruit , so if the families were paying $ 6 for groceries , they weren 't bringing home some of the necessities for a healthy diet . Most coupons are for pre - packaged - type things . Cookies , Pop Tarts , Ritz crackers , cereals that my boys would love to get their hands on like Reese 's Puffs and Crunch Berries , filled the shopping carts . Maybe once a person starts spending less and less on groceries , she can 't break that habit to buy healthy foods , like $ 3 for a pineapple or $ 2 . 50 for a quart of blueberries . One 24 - year - old woman who lives with only her boyfriend and who was extremely overweight was up shopping at 6 a . m . to get to all the items sheat I was working at my computer in my office ( hallway ) when Spencer came in from school yesterday a little later than usual . " Hey . Where 've you been ? " I asked . " Working on bio , " he said . He 's taking a biology 2 class , which isn 't as challenging as his chemistry class . " Good day ? " I asked , my eyes half on the computer screen where I was grading papers . " I got a date to prom , " he said . That got my attention . Then Earl walked up and asked if Spencer would help him move something heavy at the neighbor 's house . " Who is it ? " I asked as they walked toward the back door . " Claudia , " he said as they left . She 's a girl his age . One of those startlingly pretty girls who didn 't seem to exist when I was in high school , but who seem to fill the halls these days . I wanted more details but I would have to move slowly rather than bombarding him with questions . A few details trickled out . They were leaving bio after school when he asked her . " Did you feel like Harry Potter ? " I asked . He smiled . My family has read and listened to Harry Potter enough that he knew exactly which scene I meant . The scene in Goblet of Fire where Harry has to have a date for the ball . He blurts out to Cho Chang , " Would you go to ball with me ? " running all the words together so she can 't understand him . I can hear the voice of Jim Dale , the Harry Potter narrator , saying the words . Spencer smiled . " It 's embarrassing , but that 's just what I was thinking . " But , her friends had already let him know that Claudia would go to the prom with him , so he wasn 't as nervous as Harry Potter must have been . The experience made me think back to my own prom days . When I was a sophomore , I was a last minute date for a guy named Brad whose date got sick . I wore a cream - colored dress with ribbon straps on the shoulders , and Brad brought me wrist corsage of white carnations tipped in brown . I know . Couldn 't we just have waited a few days for them to wilt to get the tipped in brown look ? We lived in a small town about 30 minutes from Cincinnati , so the prom was held at a fancy hotel in Cincinnatat My life is so different now that my daughter has gone away to college . Here 's just one example . In the car the other day , Spencer and his friend Dakota were in the backseat on the way home from an AAU basketball game . " So are you going to prom , Dakota ? " I asked . " I don 't know . Probably . " Dakota looks to Spencer and they both shrug . Spencer , who has heard this question before , adamantly said no to prom about a month ago . " Why would I spend that much money if I 'm not dating someone ? " he asked . Last week he said , " Maybe " lilting his voice up at the end , which means there 's a girl he may want to ask , although he would die rather than tell me who . My friend Stephanie told me her daughter 's prom is in two weeks , so I asked the boys if they were running out of time . " When is the prom anyway ? " I asked . They both looked blankly at each other . They had no clue . Last year , the minute spring musical wrapped up , we were ankle deep in prom preparations . Dresses were chosen and shoes admired . Hairstyles considered and flowers ordered . The date , the group , the dinner , all were in order long before the prom tickets were printed . That 's how it goes with girls . With boys , the pace is a little slower . I wouldn 't be surprised if prom came and went with the boys not even noticing that it had passed . But I plan to pressure Spence a little bit to ask a girl his age , rather than the freshman and sophomores who flock around the upperclassmen ; a tall girl who might not get to wear heals unless she goes with a tall guy like Spence . Okay , I already have a girl in mind who he was texting the other day - - not that it means anything . They all text each other constantly . I imagine if he does ask someone , we 'll be scurrying to find a corsage and to buy black dress shoes that will match his tux . I went to the school website this morning and learned that the prom isn 't until the middle of May . We have plenty of time - - in boy time , that is . In girl time , we would already be in panic mode at the lack of a date . No , we didn 't take another trip to Paris , but I reminded Earl that last year at this time we were anxiously anticipating our trip to Paris . We decided to create our own France staycation by walking downtown for coffee and dessert . We went to one of our favorite restaurants Roma Trattoria . We got to the restaurant just moments before they closed between lunch and dinner . They seated us along the front windows and we ordered espressos while we perused the dessert menu . Earl is a tea man usually , but he drank some espresso in Paris and decided that he would drink coffee for our Paris staycation . I 'm not sure if espresso tastes better in Paris , or if everything tastes better in Paris , or if it was the lack of sugar cubes . A sugar cube is more sensory satisfying than a packet of sugar . Dropping it into the cup then using that tiny little spoon to stir it around , watching it melt slowly until it melded with the espresso . Earl went for the chocolate cannoli for his dessert . And I chose the lemon torte with vanilla bean ice cream . I don 't usually like ice cream with my desserts . I don 't like switching from the warm to the frozen . In this instance , the warm and the cold melted in my mouth . Delightful . After our coffee and dessert , we walked to the grocery store and bought some French brie . When I was paying , I looked curiously at the cost of the brie . I thought the tag said $ 5 . 99 but it rang up $ 6 . 99 . While Earl waited at the door , I went back to look at the price . Sure enough , it should have been $ 5 . 99 . We went to the customer service desk and I showed them the receipt and the cheese . The woman gave us back $ 7 . When it rings up incorrectly , the buyer gets the item free , she explained . Plus , she was the only one behind the desk and she didn 't want to go check the price . So , with our free brie , we walked down the street to Panera where we bought two baguettes . One baquette was to go with the cheese , the other baguette was to assuage the boys when they got home from school . We walked home with the baguettes jutting from the bag at Nearly a month ago , my grandmother suffered a stroke . We didn 't find out about the stroke until a couple of days afterward . She was moved to a rehab center fairly quickly . My brother Kevin and I planned to visit on that Friday . Then a snow storm cancelled our driving plans . We talked about other days we could visit , swimming and basketball schedules interrupting our plans . Illnesses and dance recitals interfering . This week , I learned our grandmother had contracted pnuemonia in the rehab center . I begged off a staff meeting on Thursday afternoon , went to teach Thursday morning at 7 : 30 a . m . then hit the highway headed south . I drove four hours to the little town of Mt . Vernon , Kentucky , where she lives . Nothing prepared me to see my lively Nana in a hospital bed struggling for each breathe . She told me I shouldn 't have driven all that way . We talked about cousins and relatives . After about 15 minutes , she said she was going to rest . I told her I 'd be back later . When I got to the car , I called my parents in Florida and suggested they head north . My uncle and aunt who live in Kentucky were both home with the flu , which they caught at the rehab center . I called my uncle and he asked whether my grandmother recognized me . " Of course , " I said . That meant she was better than she had been . She didn 't seem better to me , but I hadn 't been there every day to watch her progress or regress . I took some soup to my cousin 's house , since my aunt and uncle were too sick to want it . I hung out for a bit then went back to see Nana . Standing at the hospital bed , talking about whether she would improve , was awkward . " I told Grace we would visit when she gets home from school , " I said to my grandmother , willing her to hold on since Grace is 10 hours away from home . She said she wanted to hold on , but she was miserable . " Are you miserable because you hurt or because you can 't do things for yourself ? " I asked . She confirmed that she hated to be waited on . Her mouth was dry but she wasn 't allowed to have water because they were afraid she would aat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . .

Previously , I wrote about the difficulties Grace was having at school with some girl drama . This got me thinking about my own college experience and I remembered that my roommate Joy and I , sharing a triple , had been less than kind to the third girl in the room . Her name was Kim and I can 't remember now why she got on our nerves , but I do know that we didn 't include her in our activities and probably made her feel uncomfortable being in her own room . I know , I know . That 's totally unforgivable . I messaged Joy on Facebook and she agreed that we were mean , but remembered that our third roommate had some strange rituals that we made fun of , like daily weigh ins while she was naked . Being naked in front of other girls makes girls uncomfortable . Nevertheless , we were wrong to be rude . The funny ( ? ) thing about it was that I hadn 't thought about this girl for years , until Grace began having friend issues at college . I decided that the right thing to do was to find Kim on Facebook and send her an apology message . So I did . I had to look a few minutes to find Kim instead of Kimberly , but when I saw the picture of her , I knew that it was her , my former roommate . I sent her a message apologizing , saying that I had been rude and selfish , and explaining that our behavior was not justified . I sent the message off and made it clear that I didn 't expect an answer but simply wanted to apologize . The next day , my brother was visiting . He knew this former roommate , since he lived down the hall from me , and I wanted to show him that the girl looked exactly the same . I started searching for her on Facebook . I couldn 't find her anywhere . " She probably blocked you , " he said . I 'm not saying that I didn 't deserve to be blocked . I hadn 't planned to contact her again so she didn 't need to worry that I would start messaging her regularly or ask to be her friend on Facebook , but it kind of feels like I held out an olive branch and she swatted it out of my hand . I suppose it 's no less than I deserved because , although I haven 't thought of her for yat One year ago today , I was in Paris . It 's the anniversary of the crazy , mixed up schedule when we missed the early train to Monet 's garden and we needed to find a place to hang out for an hour until the next train . I took some photos in this little pub / cafe while we ate breakfast and I love the expression on that guy 's face . On a gorgeous day , we got to ride bikes and walk through the Monet 's garden . In spite of the missed train and then a bicycle sprint back to catch the train to Paris , the day was amazing . Then that night we went to dinner at a friend 's apartment , taking a bus in the wrong direction first then not being able to get into the building . Finally we got in and had a delicious dinner and shared an evening with some new friends . Their daughter Marie spent five weeks with us two summers ago and the parents were delightful . We definitely feel comfortable sending Grace over there to stay with them next year . When we walked to the metro , we saw this beautiful scene of the Eiffel Tower and a gorgeous full moon . Sometimes memories can get you through a tough patch , so I 'll hold on to these . Well , and I 'll share them with you . This morning , I am determined to rewrite the opening line of my novel . I packed up my computer and biked down to Caribou Coffee . This place has great writing memories for me . This is where I came early in the morning for weeks and weeks when I was writing my first novel , leaving the kids at home with Earl . I felt sure I could make some real writing progress here . The room has a warehouse feel in the open ceiling that shows the ductwork painted a redwood color , but the floor is wood and painted concrete and the furniture has a crafstman style - - wooden love seats with upholstered cushions , leather arm chairs and slick wood tables with straight backed wooden chairs . Many of the tables are taken and even more of the outlets for plugging in computers are occupied . I spotted an open table and made a beeline for it . I set up my computer , even finding an available outlet . Once settled at the table , I looked up and nearly jumped away from the pastel drawing that is hung on the wall above me . Caribou displays the artwork of various artists . Some of them have been whimsical , some of them beautiful . This one was just scary . At first , I thought it was a painting of a sad clown . As I looked at it more , I realized it was supposed to be a woman with a hat . Either way , it 's definitely inhibiting my writing . The placement of the lights didn 't make for a clear picture , but I think you can get the idea . Now I need to ignore the freaky woman peering down at my computer and try to write . The drawing is for sale for $ 50 if anyone wants to buy it and get it off the wall so I can focus on my work again . I remember when they were little and the excitement built as we moved toward Easter . We 'd color eggs and I 'd plan the jump ropes and slinkies that I 'd hide in their Easter baskets so they wouldn 't get overloaded on chocolate . Sigh . . . I mailed Grace an Easter box last week and I was left home with 15 and 17 - year - old boys . Would they even want Easter baskets ? They would never turn down candy . " Are you still going to hide Easter baskets ? " Tucker asked in the week before Easter . His eyes looked hopeful . " Well . . . not me , but the Easter bunny will , " I told him . We talked about it the night before and decided the boys needed to get up around 8 : 30 so they could find their Easter baskets then get ready for church . Tucker got up and took a shower . A shower ? Before Easter baskets ? See , what kind of excitement is that ? Spencer finally got up about 10 til 9 and stumbled around until he found his basket then collapsed on the couch . Tucker " didn 't feel well " which curiously is how he feels most Sundays when we insist he accompany us to church . Easter was no different . He was angling to stay home even before he began looking for his basket . This is one of those " if looks could kill " given by a teenager and caught on camera . It practically makes me a wildlife photographer - - catching the native species in its natural , aggravated state . After mass , we went to my sister - in - law 's house to play with baby Caroline who was dressed in a floaty Easter dress but who had not tasted chocolate that day . Ah . The innocence . The only problem was that I took the picture with my phone and she kept tilting her head around to see the picture before I had finished taking it . After a good meal , the boys interacted with their aunts , uncles and older married cousins . They carried on farily decent teenage conversations with adults and were in much better spirits when we returned home . Hope your Easter was joyous , or at least you didn 't have surly teens . Last night , my brother Kevin , his wife Dawn and 14 - year - old daughter Caroline came to our house to wait for their son in the Navy to land at the Columbus airport . While his flight was delayed and delayed again , we decided to play a fun game we got for Christmas . The thing is , the boys were gone , and we really needed another teenager to make the game more fun for Caroline . That 's when we got on the computer and called Grace on Skype . We set the computer in front of a chair with the camera facing the game board so she could play too . Do you see her on the screen there ? Whenever it was Grace 's turn , we held up the cards for her to make her choice then answer a question . It may not have been as much fun for Grace as it was for us . I imagine it was a bit confusing as everyone talked and Kevin took the dog outside and we laughed at things that she couldn 't see because the camera was facing the game board . Still , it was almost like having her there with us . Earl won by the way . Yay ! I have six days where I don 't have to physically go to work . I mean , I still have online classes that I have to grade and respond to , and I have to prepare my syllabus for the next semester at the other college where I teach , but I could sit around in my pajamas for the next six days . The problem with teaching at two colleges is that they are on totally different schedules . One college is on quarters and the other is on semesters then breaks those semesters down into 8 - week sessions . The one college had spring break three weeks ago . Next week the other college has spring break . Rarely do the breaks coincide . I thought I was going to get a vacation at the end of June . I told my mom that we were coming down to Florida . Now I found out that the one college has a two - week break in the middle of June and the other college has a one break at the end . They don 't coincide again . . . . I 've asked to teach online this summer . I am determined to get a vacation eventually - - to leave the state and go somewhere other than New York to pick up Grace from college . I know no one will feel sorry for me since I snuck away for a fabulous vacation in Paris last year at this time . But you can 't live on Paris memories forever . Although I 'll keep trying . Aaaah , Paris . Today we 've had rain and storms . I had to teach at 3 : 30 and as I drove downtown the tops of the buildings were wrapped in clouds . I took the picture with my phone ( not an iPhone , obviously ) . When I sent the picture to Grace , she thought the buildings were on fire . Nope . Just wrapped in low - hanging clouds . I have a hard time choosing which charities to give to . They all seem so worthy . How do I decide ? I usually give to the local NPR station . I love NPR . I would not have survived being a stay - at - home mom without the intellectual stimulation of NPR . It seems right to give to something that I 'm using daily . I also give to the local YMCA . My kids have done sports at the YMCA since they were little . Now only Tucker continues to swim there , but I know plenty of other kids who don 't have the money or are in danger of becoming obese can go to the Y and learn how to play soccer or basketball . That seems worthy too . With the slow economy , I also felt like I should give to the local food pantry . Making sure people have enough to eat seems more important than playing games or listening to NPR , right ? But wait a minute , I just got something from the Sierra Club explaining how the earth might not even be habitable unless we take some action . I mean , what good does it do to provide food and exercise for people along with intellectual stimulation if the earth becomes too warm or too watery for people to live here . We have to take care of the earth . Then I get an email from a politician or a political party pledging to make things better in the economy , which could fix the hungry people , and they also promise to help clean up the oceans and wean the U . S . from its oil fixation so the earth can be healthy again . Maybe I need to support the politicians and trust them to improve our country and our planet . It 's so hard to prioritize . Then I 'll see a picture of little children in an orphanage and I 'll be sucked right back to thinking that I need to donate to them instead . It 's a vicious cycle for me . Which charities do you donate to ? I want it established right up front that walking to the library was my idea . I had a whole route planned out where we could stop by the bakery to get a baguette then have a coffee at the coffee shop then run by the grocery store . It 's true that my friends and I canceled our morning run because the wind howled through the trees and a cold rain fell . By 10 : 30 or so , the morning seemed to have cleared up . Let 's say the weather resembled this day along the Atlantic . I remembered to grab the big umbrella from the back of the car and I said to Earl , " How about if we both take umbrellas ? " " Nah , " he said . " It 's not going to rain . " So we walked to the library in the light breeze avoiding puddles on the sidewalk . We picked up an Italian movie for tonight then we took a turn up a side street to go past the school . A drop of rain fell on my arm . Then another . Thunder rumbled and a shrill whistle blew at the field . Soccer was canceled due to thunder . The kids ran screaming from the field as Earl opened the umbrella and held it above me . I understand that holding the umbrella can be a tiring job and I am thankful to him for doing it , but , to be honest , the person not holding the umbrella gets wetter than the person holding the umbrella . He thinks he is keeping me dry , but he is a foot taller than I am , so inevitably the rain begins to soak my shoulder . We walked fast but the rain became more fierce as the thunder rumbled . In a yard between two tall buildings , the rain came in at an angle blowing my hair across my face . " Get on my other side , " Earl said as he attempted to block the rain with the umbrella . We rounded the corner headed toward Panera and the rain suddenly turned to hail bouncing off the sidewalk in little chunks . The rain came straight at our faces and Earl held his umbrella in front of us and it buckled . I ran for it . My jeans were soaked . My wet hair curled wildly . My socks were wet inside my shoes . We decided to get the baguette and the coffee at Panera so we didn 't have to go any farther . We shivered in the cool restat Today I had a doctor appointment . I hadn 't been to the doctor in awhile . You know what I dreaded the most ? Getting weighed . Ridiculous . I 'm an adult woman with strong self esteem . My husband would be happy to tell you that I never think I 'm wrong . Yet the idea of walking in and being weighed by the nurse makes me feel like a junior high girl trying to get in with the popular crowd . I never think I 'll measure up . In honor of the weigh - in , I gave up wheat for the week because I immediately feel thinner when I don 't eat wheat . I also avoided eating red meat all week in case the doctor wanted to test my cholesterol . I exercised every morning , but I usually exercise most mornings , so it wasn 't that different . This morning , I fasted , water only before my appointment . Of course , I said that was so they could take my blood , but it also might have been because of that sliding metal arrow on the scale . Why does the scale at the doctor always weigh heavier than any other scale ? As I got dressed , I picked my lightest weight clothes . Luckily , it was warm out . I wore cotton capris , a short sleeve t - shirt and my crocs . The outfit would not have won any fashion awards , but it probably weighed a pound at the most . Now for most people going to the doctor , getting weighed should be the least of our problems . We don 't visit the doctor simply because she 's funny . We usually have a medical concern . There are times though that I avoid going , even if I need to , because I don 't want to be weighed . I guess it 's time to get over that . If I don 't like my weight then I had better change it rather than avoid the doctor . The problem with being a woman in the United States is that no matter what our weight , we 're never satisfied with it . In my late 20s and through my childbirthing years , my weight stayed at 118 pounds . After each baby , it slid right back to 118 with very little effort . Yet , never in my life have I thought of myself as thin or slim or even " just right . " So it doesn 't really matter what the scale says . The picture I have of myself iat This is my very lame way of celebrating , maybe commemorating , my 500th blog post , which was the last one I wrote . I never realized it until I clicked on it again to write another post and saw that I had completed 500 posts . Some good . Some boring . Some interesting . Some with way too much information . Thanks for reading . Tucker has always been precocious . Maybe because he 's the third kid and he caught on quickly to what his older brother and sister were doing . He learned how to work the mouse on the computer when he was 18 months old . He learned how to pedal a bike when he was two . He started the violin at 4 and quickly caught up with his older brother . Does it count as being precocious if you can grow facial hair early ? Tucker just turned 15 and is growing a beard . He has had a few episodes in the past where he refused to shave and the hair on his face looked scraggily , like Shaggy from Scooby Doo . This time , I think he 's actually got something going . Luckily , he still has braces so he doesn 't look like he 's 20 when he smiles . People have always told Tucker that he looks like his father . I warned him that he would get more comments that he and Earl look alike if he grew a beard . He was undeterred . Looks are not the only way Tucker and Earl are similar though . Actually , both of my sons take after the father in this one way . I was making French toast for breakfast on Saturday morning . I hadn 't put the powdered sugar and spoon into a bowl like I usually do . Tucker pulled the bag of powdered sugar from the " baking center " where I store it . As he took off the clip and began to unfold it , he started coughing . Then when he sprinkled the powdered sugar on his French toast and took a bite , he coughed again . All of the men in my family get choked on powdered sugar . Earl has often told the story of how he nearly choked to death when he was a child because his sister sprinkled the brownies with powdered sugar . No matter how much they all look like each other , or don 't , they have that one trait , a hatred for powdered sugar . Yet , they continue to encounter it . Today was the most gorgeous day of the year with the temperature climbing to 80 degrees and the blossoms suddenly bursting forth on the trees . Spencer is playing AAU basketball , which means many weekends are spent at local basketball tournaments . Today 's tournament was 45 minutes away and they played at 9 a . m . so we left before 8 . The morning was foggy and eerie until about half way to Lancaster . Then the sun burned through . Only five guys showed up for Spencer 's team , so they all played hard the entire game without any subs , getting only a 3 minute break at half time . Spencer had some friends over for awhile then they decided to go bike riding . When Earl and I got home from ballroom dance class , a sweaty Spencer was sitting in a stupor on the couch . I took the boys for ice cream then Spencer swung his legs over the arm of the chair and he fell asleep while Tucker controlled the remote control . When Spencer roused after a little while , I urged him to move to the now vacated couch so he didn 't get a stiff neck . As the bright sun headed toward 6 p . m . , it left these shadows on my tired boy 's sleeping face . An afternoon nap well earned during a pretty satisfying weekend . I was supposed to run with Dream Girl and Pam this morning , but my knee is a little swollen and I thought 7 . 5 miles would be pushing it . So I stayed in bed where the cats pestered me until I finally got up to feed them . Since I 'm not running with my friends in my weekly therapy session , I may as well write about them . For anyone who doesn 't know the story of Dream Girl , she was diagnosed with breast cancer last March . She had a lumpectomy at the end of that month . She and her husband went hiking on the Appalachian Trail then she began her chemotherapy treatments and met us each Saturday for a run . She was amazing . She out ran us throughout the summer and throughout her chemotherapy . She kept running through the summer and into the fall She ran the half - marathon in October . Now Dream Girl has hair again and has had two haircuts . This isn 't a good picture of her because we had just run 7 miles and I made her take her hat off for a picture , but as you can see , her hair is back and it 's kind of wavy . When Dream Girl went to see her doctor , she told him that people kept asking if she was cured or in remission . She didn 't know what to tell them . The doctor said she won 't be considered cured until she has gone 10 years without a recurrence of cancer . Gulp . How will she know if it comes back , she asked . Scans , blood tests , xrays ? " Your body will tell you , " he said . Double gulp . What does he mean her body will tell her ? Did her body tell her about the original lump ? Not soon enough . I don 't like the idea that the doctor is relying on her to figure it out . I don 't like it when the eye doctor shows me one lens then another and says , " Which is clearer ? Lens 1 or Lens 2 ? " What if I 'm wrong ? You tell me , I want to shout . But which lens is clearer is a much less important question than has my cancer returned . The doctor explained that the scans are expensive and make a lot of money for the companies that give them , but he doesn 't rely on them . He told Dream Girl to begin self - breast exams again . She suggested that if the cancer came bat I watched a few minutes of a show called Extreme Couponing last night on TLC . I know it 's ridiculous , but I kind of wondered how someone could spend $ 600 on groceries and only pay $ 6 for them . I 'd like to do that . Unfortunately , the show doesn 't really explain how to save a lot of money with coupons . Photo from TLC website . It focuses on a couple of families in each half hour episode . It shows the family 's " stash " where they store loads and loads of items , like toilet paper , paper towels , canned goods , boxed goods . Then it shows them organizing coupons , going through the weekly sales papers and finally at the grocery store . The families pushed three and four carts each and the checkout took two hours . One woman bought $ 1800 worth of groceries and paid less than $ 100 for them . That same woman said she wants her kids to be able to go to college without loans and that she has saved $ 40 , 000 on groceries by couponing . Earl was impressed that she had saved that much money . I suggested that she hadn 't actually put away $ 40 , 000 , but had avoided spending $ 40 , 000 on groceries . I 'm sure that unspent money dissipated into the family budget somewhere . And if I was going to be really catty , I would point out that $ 40 , 000 would pay for one of her seven kids to go to college for two years . Here 's something I noticed while watching the show . First , stores don 't offer coupons for meat or vegetables or fruit , so if the families were paying $ 6 for groceries , they weren 't bringing home some of the necessities for a healthy diet . Most coupons are for pre - packaged - type things . Cookies , Pop Tarts , Ritz crackers , cereals that my boys would love to get their hands on like Reese 's Puffs and Crunch Berries , filled the shopping carts . Maybe once a person starts spending less and less on groceries , she can 't break that habit to buy healthy foods , like $ 3 for a pineapple or $ 2 . 50 for a quart of blueberries . One 24 - year - old woman who lives with only her boyfriend and who was extremely overweight was up shopping at 6 a . m . to get to all the items sheat I was working at my computer in my office ( hallway ) when Spencer came in from school yesterday a little later than usual . " Hey . Where 've you been ? " I asked . " Working on bio , " he said . He 's taking a biology 2 class , which isn 't as challenging as his chemistry class . " Good day ? " I asked , my eyes half on the computer screen where I was grading papers . " I got a date to prom , " he said . That got my attention . Then Earl walked up and asked if Spencer would help him move something heavy at the neighbor 's house . " Who is it ? " I asked as they walked toward the back door . " Claudia , " he said as they left . She 's a girl his age . One of those startlingly pretty girls who didn 't seem to exist when I was in high school , but who seem to fill the halls these days . I wanted more details but I would have to move slowly rather than bombarding him with questions . A few details trickled out . They were leaving bio after school when he asked her . " Did you feel like Harry Potter ? " I asked . He smiled . My family has read and listened to Harry Potter enough that he knew exactly which scene I meant . The scene in Goblet of Fire where Harry has to have a date for the ball . He blurts out to Cho Chang , " Would you go to ball with me ? " running all the words together so she can 't understand him . I can hear the voice of Jim Dale , the Harry Potter narrator , saying the words . Spencer smiled . " It 's embarrassing , but that 's just what I was thinking . " But , her friends had already let him know that Claudia would go to the prom with him , so he wasn 't as nervous as Harry Potter must have been . The experience made me think back to my own prom days . When I was a sophomore , I was a last minute date for a guy named Brad whose date got sick . I wore a cream - colored dress with ribbon straps on the shoulders , and Brad brought me wrist corsage of white carnations tipped in brown . I know . Couldn 't we just have waited a few days for them to wilt to get the tipped in brown look ? We lived in a small town about 30 minutes from Cincinnati , so the prom was held at a fancy hotel in Cincinnatat My life is so different now that my daughter has gone away to college . Here 's just one example . In the car the other day , Spencer and his friend Dakota were in the backseat on the way home from an AAU basketball game . " So are you going to prom , Dakota ? " I asked . " I don 't know . Probably . " Dakota looks to Spencer and they both shrug . Spencer , who has heard this question before , adamantly said no to prom about a month ago . " Why would I spend that much money if I 'm not dating someone ? " he asked . Last week he said , " Maybe " lilting his voice up at the end , which means there 's a girl he may want to ask , although he would die rather than tell me who . My friend Stephanie told me her daughter 's prom is in two weeks , so I asked the boys if they were running out of time . " When is the prom anyway ? " I asked . They both looked blankly at each other . They had no clue . Last year , the minute spring musical wrapped up , we were ankle deep in prom preparations . Dresses were chosen and shoes admired . Hairstyles considered and flowers ordered . The date , the group , the dinner , all were in order long before the prom tickets were printed . That 's how it goes with girls . With boys , the pace is a little slower . I wouldn 't be surprised if prom came and went with the boys not even noticing that it had passed . But I plan to pressure Spence a little bit to ask a girl his age , rather than the freshman and sophomores who flock around the upperclassmen ; a tall girl who might not get to wear heals unless she goes with a tall guy like Spence . Okay , I already have a girl in mind who he was texting the other day - - not that it means anything . They all text each other constantly . I imagine if he does ask someone , we 'll be scurrying to find a corsage and to buy black dress shoes that will match his tux . I went to the school website this morning and learned that the prom isn 't until the middle of May . We have plenty of time - - in boy time , that is . In girl time , we would already be in panic mode at the lack of a date . No , we didn 't take another trip to Paris , but I reminded Earl that last year at this time we were anxiously anticipating our trip to Paris . We decided to create our own France staycation by walking downtown for coffee and dessert . We went to one of our favorite restaurants Roma Trattoria . We got to the restaurant just moments before they closed between lunch and dinner . They seated us along the front windows and we ordered espressos while we perused the dessert menu . Earl is a tea man usually , but he drank some espresso in Paris and decided that he would drink coffee for our Paris staycation . I 'm not sure if espresso tastes better in Paris , or if everything tastes better in Paris , or if it was the lack of sugar cubes . A sugar cube is more sensory satisfying than a packet of sugar . Dropping it into the cup then using that tiny little spoon to stir it around , watching it melt slowly until it melded with the espresso . Earl went for the chocolate cannoli for his dessert . And I chose the lemon torte with vanilla bean ice cream . I don 't usually like ice cream with my desserts . I don 't like switching from the warm to the frozen . In this instance , the warm and the cold melted in my mouth . Delightful . After our coffee and dessert , we walked to the grocery store and bought some French brie . When I was paying , I looked curiously at the cost of the brie . I thought the tag said $ 5 . 99 but it rang up $ 6 . 99 . While Earl waited at the door , I went back to look at the price . Sure enough , it should have been $ 5 . 99 . We went to the customer service desk and I showed them the receipt and the cheese . The woman gave us back $ 7 . When it rings up incorrectly , the buyer gets the item free , she explained . Plus , she was the only one behind the desk and she didn 't want to go check the price . So , with our free brie , we walked down the street to Panera where we bought two baguettes . One baquette was to go with the cheese , the other baguette was to assuage the boys when they got home from school . We walked home with the baguettes jutting from the bag at Nearly a month ago , my grandmother suffered a stroke . We didn 't find out about the stroke until a couple of days afterward . She was moved to a rehab center fairly quickly . My brother Kevin and I planned to visit on that Friday . Then a snow storm cancelled our driving plans . We talked about other days we could visit , swimming and basketball schedules interrupting our plans . Illnesses and dance recitals interfering . This week , I learned our grandmother had contracted pnuemonia in the rehab center . I begged off a staff meeting on Thursday afternoon , went to teach Thursday morning at 7 : 30 a . m . then hit the highway headed south . I drove four hours to the little town of Mt . Vernon , Kentucky , where she lives . Nothing prepared me to see my lively Nana in a hospital bed struggling for each breathe . She told me I shouldn 't have driven all that way . We talked about cousins and relatives . After about 15 minutes , she said she was going to rest . I told her I 'd be back later . When I got to the car , I called my parents in Florida and suggested they head north . My uncle and aunt who live in Kentucky were both home with the flu , which they caught at the rehab center . I called my uncle and he asked whether my grandmother recognized me . " Of course , " I said . That meant she was better than she had been . She didn 't seem better to me , but I hadn 't been there every day to watch her progress or regress . I took some soup to my cousin 's house , since my aunt and uncle were too sick to want it . I hung out for a bit then went back to see Nana . Standing at the hospital bed , talking about whether she would improve , was awkward . " I told Grace we would visit when she gets home from school , " I said to my grandmother , willing her to hold on since Grace is 10 hours away from home . She said she wanted to hold on , but she was miserable . " Are you miserable because you hurt or because you can 't do things for yourself ? " I asked . She confirmed that she hated to be waited on . Her mouth was dry but she wasn 't allowed to have water because they were afraid she would aat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . .

Previously , I wrote about the difficulties Grace was having at school with some girl drama . This got me thinking about my own college experience and I remembered that my roommate Joy and I , sharing a triple , had been less than kind to the third girl in the room . Her name was Kim and I can 't remember now why she got on our nerves , but I do know that we didn 't include her in our activities and probably made her feel uncomfortable being in her own room . I know , I know . That 's totally unforgivable . I messaged Joy on Facebook and she agreed that we were mean , but remembered that our third roommate had some strange rituals that we made fun of , like daily weigh ins while she was naked . Being naked in front of other girls makes girls uncomfortable . Nevertheless , we were wrong to be rude . The funny ( ? ) thing about it was that I hadn 't thought about this girl for years , until Grace began having friend issues at college . I decided that the right thing to do was to find Kim on Facebook and send her an apology message . So I did . I had to look a few minutes to find Kim instead of Kimberly , but when I saw the picture of her , I knew that it was her , my former roommate . I sent her a message apologizing , saying that I had been rude and selfish , and explaining that our behavior was not justified . I sent the message off and made it clear that I didn 't expect an answer but simply wanted to apologize . The next day , my brother was visiting . He knew this former roommate , since he lived down the hall from me , and I wanted to show him that the girl looked exactly the same . I started searching for her on Facebook . I couldn 't find her anywhere . " She probably blocked you , " he said . I 'm not saying that I didn 't deserve to be blocked . I hadn 't planned to contact her again so she didn 't need to worry that I would start messaging her regularly or ask to be her friend on Facebook , but it kind of feels like I held out an olive branch and she swatted it out of my hand . I suppose it 's no less than I deserved because , although I haven 't thought of her for yat One year ago today , I was in Paris . It 's the anniversary of the crazy , mixed up schedule when we missed the early train to Monet 's garden and we needed to find a place to hang out for an hour until the next train . I took some photos in this little pub / cafe while we ate breakfast and I love the expression on that guy 's face . On a gorgeous day , we got to ride bikes and walk through the Monet 's garden . In spite of the missed train and then a bicycle sprint back to catch the train to Paris , the day was amazing . Then that night we went to dinner at a friend 's apartment , taking a bus in the wrong direction first then not being able to get into the building . Finally we got in and had a delicious dinner and shared an evening with some new friends . Their daughter Marie spent five weeks with us two summers ago and the parents were delightful . We definitely feel comfortable sending Grace over there to stay with them next year . When we walked to the metro , we saw this beautiful scene of the Eiffel Tower and a gorgeous full moon . Sometimes memories can get you through a tough patch , so I 'll hold on to these . Well , and I 'll share them with you . This morning , I am determined to rewrite the opening line of my novel . I packed up my computer and biked down to Caribou Coffee . This place has great writing memories for me . This is where I came early in the morning for weeks and weeks when I was writing my first novel , leaving the kids at home with Earl . I felt sure I could make some real writing progress here . The room has a warehouse feel in the open ceiling that shows the ductwork painted a redwood color , but the floor is wood and painted concrete and the furniture has a crafstman style - - wooden love seats with upholstered cushions , leather arm chairs and slick wood tables with straight backed wooden chairs . Many of the tables are taken and even more of the outlets for plugging in computers are occupied . I spotted an open table and made a beeline for it . I set up my computer , even finding an available outlet . Once settled at the table , I looked up and nearly jumped away from the pastel drawing that is hung on the wall above me . Caribou displays the artwork of various artists . Some of them have been whimsical , some of them beautiful . This one was just scary . At first , I thought it was a painting of a sad clown . As I looked at it more , I realized it was supposed to be a woman with a hat . Either way , it 's definitely inhibiting my writing . The placement of the lights didn 't make for a clear picture , but I think you can get the idea . Now I need to ignore the freaky woman peering down at my computer and try to write . The drawing is for sale for $ 50 if anyone wants to buy it and get it off the wall so I can focus on my work again . I remember when they were little and the excitement built as we moved toward Easter . We 'd color eggs and I 'd plan the jump ropes and slinkies that I 'd hide in their Easter baskets so they wouldn 't get overloaded on chocolate . Sigh . . . I mailed Grace an Easter box last week and I was left home with 15 and 17 - year - old boys . Would they even want Easter baskets ? They would never turn down candy . " Are you still going to hide Easter baskets ? " Tucker asked in the week before Easter . His eyes looked hopeful . " Well . . . not me , but the Easter bunny will , " I told him . We talked about it the night before and decided the boys needed to get up around 8 : 30 so they could find their Easter baskets then get ready for church . Tucker got up and took a shower . A shower ? Before Easter baskets ? See , what kind of excitement is that ? Spencer finally got up about 10 til 9 and stumbled around until he found his basket then collapsed on the couch . Tucker " didn 't feel well " which curiously is how he feels most Sundays when we insist he accompany us to church . Easter was no different . He was angling to stay home even before he began looking for his basket . This is one of those " if looks could kill " given by a teenager and caught on camera . It practically makes me a wildlife photographer - - catching the native species in its natural , aggravated state . After mass , we went to my sister - in - law 's house to play with baby Caroline who was dressed in a floaty Easter dress but who had not tasted chocolate that day . Ah . The innocence . The only problem was that I took the picture with my phone and she kept tilting her head around to see the picture before I had finished taking it . After a good meal , the boys interacted with their aunts , uncles and older married cousins . They carried on farily decent teenage conversations with adults and were in much better spirits when we returned home . Hope your Easter was joyous , or at least you didn 't have surly teens . Last night , my brother Kevin , his wife Dawn and 14 - year - old daughter Caroline came to our house to wait for their son in the Navy to land at the Columbus airport . While his flight was delayed and delayed again , we decided to play a fun game we got for Christmas . The thing is , the boys were gone , and we really needed another teenager to make the game more fun for Caroline . That 's when we got on the computer and called Grace on Skype . We set the computer in front of a chair with the camera facing the game board so she could play too . Do you see her on the screen there ? Whenever it was Grace 's turn , we held up the cards for her to make her choice then answer a question . It may not have been as much fun for Grace as it was for us . I imagine it was a bit confusing as everyone talked and Kevin took the dog outside and we laughed at things that she couldn 't see because the camera was facing the game board . Still , it was almost like having her there with us . Earl won by the way . Yay ! I have six days where I don 't have to physically go to work . I mean , I still have online classes that I have to grade and respond to , and I have to prepare my syllabus for the next semester at the other college where I teach , but I could sit around in my pajamas for the next six days . The problem with teaching at two colleges is that they are on totally different schedules . One college is on quarters and the other is on semesters then breaks those semesters down into 8 - week sessions . The one college had spring break three weeks ago . Next week the other college has spring break . Rarely do the breaks coincide . I thought I was going to get a vacation at the end of June . I told my mom that we were coming down to Florida . Now I found out that the one college has a two - week break in the middle of June and the other college has a one break at the end . They don 't coincide again . . . . I 've asked to teach online this summer . I am determined to get a vacation eventually - - to leave the state and go somewhere other than New York to pick up Grace from college . I know no one will feel sorry for me since I snuck away for a fabulous vacation in Paris last year at this time . But you can 't live on Paris memories forever . Although I 'll keep trying . Aaaah , Paris . Today we 've had rain and storms . I had to teach at 3 : 30 and as I drove downtown the tops of the buildings were wrapped in clouds . I took the picture with my phone ( not an iPhone , obviously ) . When I sent the picture to Grace , she thought the buildings were on fire . Nope . Just wrapped in low - hanging clouds . I have a hard time choosing which charities to give to . They all seem so worthy . How do I decide ? I usually give to the local NPR station . I love NPR . I would not have survived being a stay - at - home mom without the intellectual stimulation of NPR . It seems right to give to something that I 'm using daily . I also give to the local YMCA . My kids have done sports at the YMCA since they were little . Now only Tucker continues to swim there , but I know plenty of other kids who don 't have the money or are in danger of becoming obese can go to the Y and learn how to play soccer or basketball . That seems worthy too . With the slow economy , I also felt like I should give to the local food pantry . Making sure people have enough to eat seems more important than playing games or listening to NPR , right ? But wait a minute , I just got something from the Sierra Club explaining how the earth might not even be habitable unless we take some action . I mean , what good does it do to provide food and exercise for people along with intellectual stimulation if the earth becomes too warm or too watery for people to live here . We have to take care of the earth . Then I get an email from a politician or a political party pledging to make things better in the economy , which could fix the hungry people , and they also promise to help clean up the oceans and wean the U . S . from its oil fixation so the earth can be healthy again . Maybe I need to support the politicians and trust them to improve our country and our planet . It 's so hard to prioritize . Then I 'll see a picture of little children in an orphanage and I 'll be sucked right back to thinking that I need to donate to them instead . It 's a vicious cycle for me . Which charities do you donate to ? I want it established right up front that walking to the library was my idea . I had a whole route planned out where we could stop by the bakery to get a baguette then have a coffee at the coffee shop then run by the grocery store . It 's true that my friends and I canceled our morning run because the wind howled through the trees and a cold rain fell . By 10 : 30 or so , the morning seemed to have cleared up . Let 's say the weather resembled this day along the Atlantic . I remembered to grab the big umbrella from the back of the car and I said to Earl , " How about if we both take umbrellas ? " " Nah , " he said . " It 's not going to rain . " So we walked to the library in the light breeze avoiding puddles on the sidewalk . We picked up an Italian movie for tonight then we took a turn up a side street to go past the school . A drop of rain fell on my arm . Then another . Thunder rumbled and a shrill whistle blew at the field . Soccer was canceled due to thunder . The kids ran screaming from the field as Earl opened the umbrella and held it above me . I understand that holding the umbrella can be a tiring job and I am thankful to him for doing it , but , to be honest , the person not holding the umbrella gets wetter than the person holding the umbrella . He thinks he is keeping me dry , but he is a foot taller than I am , so inevitably the rain begins to soak my shoulder . We walked fast but the rain became more fierce as the thunder rumbled . In a yard between two tall buildings , the rain came in at an angle blowing my hair across my face . " Get on my other side , " Earl said as he attempted to block the rain with the umbrella . We rounded the corner headed toward Panera and the rain suddenly turned to hail bouncing off the sidewalk in little chunks . The rain came straight at our faces and Earl held his umbrella in front of us and it buckled . I ran for it . My jeans were soaked . My wet hair curled wildly . My socks were wet inside my shoes . We decided to get the baguette and the coffee at Panera so we didn 't have to go any farther . We shivered in the cool restat Today I had a doctor appointment . I hadn 't been to the doctor in awhile . You know what I dreaded the most ? Getting weighed . Ridiculous . I 'm an adult woman with strong self esteem . My husband would be happy to tell you that I never think I 'm wrong . Yet the idea of walking in and being weighed by the nurse makes me feel like a junior high girl trying to get in with the popular crowd . I never think I 'll measure up . In honor of the weigh - in , I gave up wheat for the week because I immediately feel thinner when I don 't eat wheat . I also avoided eating red meat all week in case the doctor wanted to test my cholesterol . I exercised every morning , but I usually exercise most mornings , so it wasn 't that different . This morning , I fasted , water only before my appointment . Of course , I said that was so they could take my blood , but it also might have been because of that sliding metal arrow on the scale . Why does the scale at the doctor always weigh heavier than any other scale ? As I got dressed , I picked my lightest weight clothes . Luckily , it was warm out . I wore cotton capris , a short sleeve t - shirt and my crocs . The outfit would not have won any fashion awards , but it probably weighed a pound at the most . Now for most people going to the doctor , getting weighed should be the least of our problems . We don 't visit the doctor simply because she 's funny . We usually have a medical concern . There are times though that I avoid going , even if I need to , because I don 't want to be weighed . I guess it 's time to get over that . If I don 't like my weight then I had better change it rather than avoid the doctor . The problem with being a woman in the United States is that no matter what our weight , we 're never satisfied with it . In my late 20s and through my childbirthing years , my weight stayed at 118 pounds . After each baby , it slid right back to 118 with very little effort . Yet , never in my life have I thought of myself as thin or slim or even " just right . " So it doesn 't really matter what the scale says . The picture I have of myself iat This is my very lame way of celebrating , maybe commemorating , my 500th blog post , which was the last one I wrote . I never realized it until I clicked on it again to write another post and saw that I had completed 500 posts . Some good . Some boring . Some interesting . Some with way too much information . Thanks for reading . Tucker has always been precocious . Maybe because he 's the third kid and he caught on quickly to what his older brother and sister were doing . He learned how to work the mouse on the computer when he was 18 months old . He learned how to pedal a bike when he was two . He started the violin at 4 and quickly caught up with his older brother . Does it count as being precocious if you can grow facial hair early ? Tucker just turned 15 and is growing a beard . He has had a few episodes in the past where he refused to shave and the hair on his face looked scraggily , like Shaggy from Scooby Doo . This time , I think he 's actually got something going . Luckily , he still has braces so he doesn 't look like he 's 20 when he smiles . People have always told Tucker that he looks like his father . I warned him that he would get more comments that he and Earl look alike if he grew a beard . He was undeterred . Looks are not the only way Tucker and Earl are similar though . Actually , both of my sons take after the father in this one way . I was making French toast for breakfast on Saturday morning . I hadn 't put the powdered sugar and spoon into a bowl like I usually do . Tucker pulled the bag of powdered sugar from the " baking center " where I store it . As he took off the clip and began to unfold it , he started coughing . Then when he sprinkled the powdered sugar on his French toast and took a bite , he coughed again . All of the men in my family get choked on powdered sugar . Earl has often told the story of how he nearly choked to death when he was a child because his sister sprinkled the brownies with powdered sugar . No matter how much they all look like each other , or don 't , they have that one trait , a hatred for powdered sugar . Yet , they continue to encounter it . Today was the most gorgeous day of the year with the temperature climbing to 80 degrees and the blossoms suddenly bursting forth on the trees . Spencer is playing AAU basketball , which means many weekends are spent at local basketball tournaments . Today 's tournament was 45 minutes away and they played at 9 a . m . so we left before 8 . The morning was foggy and eerie until about half way to Lancaster . Then the sun burned through . Only five guys showed up for Spencer 's team , so they all played hard the entire game without any subs , getting only a 3 minute break at half time . Spencer had some friends over for awhile then they decided to go bike riding . When Earl and I got home from ballroom dance class , a sweaty Spencer was sitting in a stupor on the couch . I took the boys for ice cream then Spencer swung his legs over the arm of the chair and he fell asleep while Tucker controlled the remote control . When Spencer roused after a little while , I urged him to move to the now vacated couch so he didn 't get a stiff neck . As the bright sun headed toward 6 p . m . , it left these shadows on my tired boy 's sleeping face . An afternoon nap well earned during a pretty satisfying weekend . I was supposed to run with Dream Girl and Pam this morning , but my knee is a little swollen and I thought 7 . 5 miles would be pushing it . So I stayed in bed where the cats pestered me until I finally got up to feed them . Since I 'm not running with my friends in my weekly therapy session , I may as well write about them . For anyone who doesn 't know the story of Dream Girl , she was diagnosed with breast cancer last March . She had a lumpectomy at the end of that month . She and her husband went hiking on the Appalachian Trail then she began her chemotherapy treatments and met us each Saturday for a run . She was amazing . She out ran us throughout the summer and throughout her chemotherapy . She kept running through the summer and into the fall She ran the half - marathon in October . Now Dream Girl has hair again and has had two haircuts . This isn 't a good picture of her because we had just run 7 miles and I made her take her hat off for a picture , but as you can see , her hair is back and it 's kind of wavy . When Dream Girl went to see her doctor , she told him that people kept asking if she was cured or in remission . She didn 't know what to tell them . The doctor said she won 't be considered cured until she has gone 10 years without a recurrence of cancer . Gulp . How will she know if it comes back , she asked . Scans , blood tests , xrays ? " Your body will tell you , " he said . Double gulp . What does he mean her body will tell her ? Did her body tell her about the original lump ? Not soon enough . I don 't like the idea that the doctor is relying on her to figure it out . I don 't like it when the eye doctor shows me one lens then another and says , " Which is clearer ? Lens 1 or Lens 2 ? " What if I 'm wrong ? You tell me , I want to shout . But which lens is clearer is a much less important question than has my cancer returned . The doctor explained that the scans are expensive and make a lot of money for the companies that give them , but he doesn 't rely on them . He told Dream Girl to begin self - breast exams again . She suggested that if the cancer came bat I watched a few minutes of a show called Extreme Couponing last night on TLC . I know it 's ridiculous , but I kind of wondered how someone could spend $ 600 on groceries and only pay $ 6 for them . I 'd like to do that . Unfortunately , the show doesn 't really explain how to save a lot of money with coupons . Photo from TLC website . It focuses on a couple of families in each half hour episode . It shows the family 's " stash " where they store loads and loads of items , like toilet paper , paper towels , canned goods , boxed goods . Then it shows them organizing coupons , going through the weekly sales papers and finally at the grocery store . The families pushed three and four carts each and the checkout took two hours . One woman bought $ 1800 worth of groceries and paid less than $ 100 for them . That same woman said she wants her kids to be able to go to college without loans and that she has saved $ 40 , 000 on groceries by couponing . Earl was impressed that she had saved that much money . I suggested that she hadn 't actually put away $ 40 , 000 , but had avoided spending $ 40 , 000 on groceries . I 'm sure that unspent money dissipated into the family budget somewhere . And if I was going to be really catty , I would point out that $ 40 , 000 would pay for one of her seven kids to go to college for two years . Here 's something I noticed while watching the show . First , stores don 't offer coupons for meat or vegetables or fruit , so if the families were paying $ 6 for groceries , they weren 't bringing home some of the necessities for a healthy diet . Most coupons are for pre - packaged - type things . Cookies , Pop Tarts , Ritz crackers , cereals that my boys would love to get their hands on like Reese 's Puffs and Crunch Berries , filled the shopping carts . Maybe once a person starts spending less and less on groceries , she can 't break that habit to buy healthy foods , like $ 3 for a pineapple or $ 2 . 50 for a quart of blueberries . One 24 - year - old woman who lives with only her boyfriend and who was extremely overweight was up shopping at 6 a . m . to get to all the items sheat I was working at my computer in my office ( hallway ) when Spencer came in from school yesterday a little later than usual . " Hey . Where 've you been ? " I asked . " Working on bio , " he said . He 's taking a biology 2 class , which isn 't as challenging as his chemistry class . " Good day ? " I asked , my eyes half on the computer screen where I was grading papers . " I got a date to prom , " he said . That got my attention . Then Earl walked up and asked if Spencer would help him move something heavy at the neighbor 's house . " Who is it ? " I asked as they walked toward the back door . " Claudia , " he said as they left . She 's a girl his age . One of those startlingly pretty girls who didn 't seem to exist when I was in high school , but who seem to fill the halls these days . I wanted more details but I would have to move slowly rather than bombarding him with questions . A few details trickled out . They were leaving bio after school when he asked her . " Did you feel like Harry Potter ? " I asked . He smiled . My family has read and listened to Harry Potter enough that he knew exactly which scene I meant . The scene in Goblet of Fire where Harry has to have a date for the ball . He blurts out to Cho Chang , " Would you go to ball with me ? " running all the words together so she can 't understand him . I can hear the voice of Jim Dale , the Harry Potter narrator , saying the words . Spencer smiled . " It 's embarrassing , but that 's just what I was thinking . " But , her friends had already let him know that Claudia would go to the prom with him , so he wasn 't as nervous as Harry Potter must have been . The experience made me think back to my own prom days . When I was a sophomore , I was a last minute date for a guy named Brad whose date got sick . I wore a cream - colored dress with ribbon straps on the shoulders , and Brad brought me wrist corsage of white carnations tipped in brown . I know . Couldn 't we just have waited a few days for them to wilt to get the tipped in brown look ? We lived in a small town about 30 minutes from Cincinnati , so the prom was held at a fancy hotel in Cincinnatat My life is so different now that my daughter has gone away to college . Here 's just one example . In the car the other day , Spencer and his friend Dakota were in the backseat on the way home from an AAU basketball game . " So are you going to prom , Dakota ? " I asked . " I don 't know . Probably . " Dakota looks to Spencer and they both shrug . Spencer , who has heard this question before , adamantly said no to prom about a month ago . " Why would I spend that much money if I 'm not dating someone ? " he asked . Last week he said , " Maybe " lilting his voice up at the end , which means there 's a girl he may want to ask , although he would die rather than tell me who . My friend Stephanie told me her daughter 's prom is in two weeks , so I asked the boys if they were running out of time . " When is the prom anyway ? " I asked . They both looked blankly at each other . They had no clue . Last year , the minute spring musical wrapped up , we were ankle deep in prom preparations . Dresses were chosen and shoes admired . Hairstyles considered and flowers ordered . The date , the group , the dinner , all were in order long before the prom tickets were printed . That 's how it goes with girls . With boys , the pace is a little slower . I wouldn 't be surprised if prom came and went with the boys not even noticing that it had passed . But I plan to pressure Spence a little bit to ask a girl his age , rather than the freshman and sophomores who flock around the upperclassmen ; a tall girl who might not get to wear heals unless she goes with a tall guy like Spence . Okay , I already have a girl in mind who he was texting the other day - - not that it means anything . They all text each other constantly . I imagine if he does ask someone , we 'll be scurrying to find a corsage and to buy black dress shoes that will match his tux . I went to the school website this morning and learned that the prom isn 't until the middle of May . We have plenty of time - - in boy time , that is . In girl time , we would already be in panic mode at the lack of a date . No , we didn 't take another trip to Paris , but I reminded Earl that last year at this time we were anxiously anticipating our trip to Paris . We decided to create our own France staycation by walking downtown for coffee and dessert . We went to one of our favorite restaurants Roma Trattoria . We got to the restaurant just moments before they closed between lunch and dinner . They seated us along the front windows and we ordered espressos while we perused the dessert menu . Earl is a tea man usually , but he drank some espresso in Paris and decided that he would drink coffee for our Paris staycation . I 'm not sure if espresso tastes better in Paris , or if everything tastes better in Paris , or if it was the lack of sugar cubes . A sugar cube is more sensory satisfying than a packet of sugar . Dropping it into the cup then using that tiny little spoon to stir it around , watching it melt slowly until it melded with the espresso . Earl went for the chocolate cannoli for his dessert . And I chose the lemon torte with vanilla bean ice cream . I don 't usually like ice cream with my desserts . I don 't like switching from the warm to the frozen . In this instance , the warm and the cold melted in my mouth . Delightful . After our coffee and dessert , we walked to the grocery store and bought some French brie . When I was paying , I looked curiously at the cost of the brie . I thought the tag said $ 5 . 99 but it rang up $ 6 . 99 . While Earl waited at the door , I went back to look at the price . Sure enough , it should have been $ 5 . 99 . We went to the customer service desk and I showed them the receipt and the cheese . The woman gave us back $ 7 . When it rings up incorrectly , the buyer gets the item free , she explained . Plus , she was the only one behind the desk and she didn 't want to go check the price . So , with our free brie , we walked down the street to Panera where we bought two baguettes . One baquette was to go with the cheese , the other baguette was to assuage the boys when they got home from school . We walked home with the baguettes jutting from the bag at Nearly a month ago , my grandmother suffered a stroke . We didn 't find out about the stroke until a couple of days afterward . She was moved to a rehab center fairly quickly . My brother Kevin and I planned to visit on that Friday . Then a snow storm cancelled our driving plans . We talked about other days we could visit , swimming and basketball schedules interrupting our plans . Illnesses and dance recitals interfering . This week , I learned our grandmother had contracted pnuemonia in the rehab center . I begged off a staff meeting on Thursday afternoon , went to teach Thursday morning at 7 : 30 a . m . then hit the highway headed south . I drove four hours to the little town of Mt . Vernon , Kentucky , where she lives . Nothing prepared me to see my lively Nana in a hospital bed struggling for each breathe . She told me I shouldn 't have driven all that way . We talked about cousins and relatives . After about 15 minutes , she said she was going to rest . I told her I 'd be back later . When I got to the car , I called my parents in Florida and suggested they head north . My uncle and aunt who live in Kentucky were both home with the flu , which they caught at the rehab center . I called my uncle and he asked whether my grandmother recognized me . " Of course , " I said . That meant she was better than she had been . She didn 't seem better to me , but I hadn 't been there every day to watch her progress or regress . I took some soup to my cousin 's house , since my aunt and uncle were too sick to want it . I hung out for a bit then went back to see Nana . Standing at the hospital bed , talking about whether she would improve , was awkward . " I told Grace we would visit when she gets home from school , " I said to my grandmother , willing her to hold on since Grace is 10 hours away from home . She said she wanted to hold on , but she was miserable . " Are you miserable because you hurt or because you can 't do things for yourself ? " I asked . She confirmed that she hated to be waited on . Her mouth was dry but she wasn 't allowed to have water because they were afraid she would aat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . .

Previously , I wrote about the difficulties Grace was having at school with some girl drama . This got me thinking about my own college experience and I remembered that my roommate Joy and I , sharing a triple , had been less than kind to the third girl in the room . Her name was Kim and I can 't remember now why she got on our nerves , but I do know that we didn 't include her in our activities and probably made her feel uncomfortable being in her own room . I know , I know . That 's totally unforgivable . I messaged Joy on Facebook and she agreed that we were mean , but remembered that our third roommate had some strange rituals that we made fun of , like daily weigh ins while she was naked . Being naked in front of other girls makes girls uncomfortable . Nevertheless , we were wrong to be rude . The funny ( ? ) thing about it was that I hadn 't thought about this girl for years , until Grace began having friend issues at college . I decided that the right thing to do was to find Kim on Facebook and send her an apology message . So I did . I had to look a few minutes to find Kim instead of Kimberly , but when I saw the picture of her , I knew that it was her , my former roommate . I sent her a message apologizing , saying that I had been rude and selfish , and explaining that our behavior was not justified . I sent the message off and made it clear that I didn 't expect an answer but simply wanted to apologize . The next day , my brother was visiting . He knew this former roommate , since he lived down the hall from me , and I wanted to show him that the girl looked exactly the same . I started searching for her on Facebook . I couldn 't find her anywhere . " She probably blocked you , " he said . I 'm not saying that I didn 't deserve to be blocked . I hadn 't planned to contact her again so she didn 't need to worry that I would start messaging her regularly or ask to be her friend on Facebook , but it kind of feels like I held out an olive branch and she swatted it out of my hand . I suppose it 's no less than I deserved because , although I haven 't thought of her for yat One year ago today , I was in Paris . It 's the anniversary of the crazy , mixed up schedule when we missed the early train to Monet 's garden and we needed to find a place to hang out for an hour until the next train . I took some photos in this little pub / cafe while we ate breakfast and I love the expression on that guy 's face . On a gorgeous day , we got to ride bikes and walk through the Monet 's garden . In spite of the missed train and then a bicycle sprint back to catch the train to Paris , the day was amazing . Then that night we went to dinner at a friend 's apartment , taking a bus in the wrong direction first then not being able to get into the building . Finally we got in and had a delicious dinner and shared an evening with some new friends . Their daughter Marie spent five weeks with us two summers ago and the parents were delightful . We definitely feel comfortable sending Grace over there to stay with them next year . When we walked to the metro , we saw this beautiful scene of the Eiffel Tower and a gorgeous full moon . Sometimes memories can get you through a tough patch , so I 'll hold on to these . Well , and I 'll share them with you . This morning , I am determined to rewrite the opening line of my novel . I packed up my computer and biked down to Caribou Coffee . This place has great writing memories for me . This is where I came early in the morning for weeks and weeks when I was writing my first novel , leaving the kids at home with Earl . I felt sure I could make some real writing progress here . The room has a warehouse feel in the open ceiling that shows the ductwork painted a redwood color , but the floor is wood and painted concrete and the furniture has a crafstman style - - wooden love seats with upholstered cushions , leather arm chairs and slick wood tables with straight backed wooden chairs . Many of the tables are taken and even more of the outlets for plugging in computers are occupied . I spotted an open table and made a beeline for it . I set up my computer , even finding an available outlet . Once settled at the table , I looked up and nearly jumped away from the pastel drawing that is hung on the wall above me . Caribou displays the artwork of various artists . Some of them have been whimsical , some of them beautiful . This one was just scary . At first , I thought it was a painting of a sad clown . As I looked at it more , I realized it was supposed to be a woman with a hat . Either way , it 's definitely inhibiting my writing . The placement of the lights didn 't make for a clear picture , but I think you can get the idea . Now I need to ignore the freaky woman peering down at my computer and try to write . The drawing is for sale for $ 50 if anyone wants to buy it and get it off the wall so I can focus on my work again . I remember when they were little and the excitement built as we moved toward Easter . We 'd color eggs and I 'd plan the jump ropes and slinkies that I 'd hide in their Easter baskets so they wouldn 't get overloaded on chocolate . Sigh . . . I mailed Grace an Easter box last week and I was left home with 15 and 17 - year - old boys . Would they even want Easter baskets ? They would never turn down candy . " Are you still going to hide Easter baskets ? " Tucker asked in the week before Easter . His eyes looked hopeful . " Well . . . not me , but the Easter bunny will , " I told him . We talked about it the night before and decided the boys needed to get up around 8 : 30 so they could find their Easter baskets then get ready for church . Tucker got up and took a shower . A shower ? Before Easter baskets ? See , what kind of excitement is that ? Spencer finally got up about 10 til 9 and stumbled around until he found his basket then collapsed on the couch . Tucker " didn 't feel well " which curiously is how he feels most Sundays when we insist he accompany us to church . Easter was no different . He was angling to stay home even before he began looking for his basket . This is one of those " if looks could kill " given by a teenager and caught on camera . It practically makes me a wildlife photographer - - catching the native species in its natural , aggravated state . After mass , we went to my sister - in - law 's house to play with baby Caroline who was dressed in a floaty Easter dress but who had not tasted chocolate that day . Ah . The innocence . The only problem was that I took the picture with my phone and she kept tilting her head around to see the picture before I had finished taking it . After a good meal , the boys interacted with their aunts , uncles and older married cousins . They carried on farily decent teenage conversations with adults and were in much better spirits when we returned home . Hope your Easter was joyous , or at least you didn 't have surly teens . Last night , my brother Kevin , his wife Dawn and 14 - year - old daughter Caroline came to our house to wait for their son in the Navy to land at the Columbus airport . While his flight was delayed and delayed again , we decided to play a fun game we got for Christmas . The thing is , the boys were gone , and we really needed another teenager to make the game more fun for Caroline . That 's when we got on the computer and called Grace on Skype . We set the computer in front of a chair with the camera facing the game board so she could play too . Do you see her on the screen there ? Whenever it was Grace 's turn , we held up the cards for her to make her choice then answer a question . It may not have been as much fun for Grace as it was for us . I imagine it was a bit confusing as everyone talked and Kevin took the dog outside and we laughed at things that she couldn 't see because the camera was facing the game board . Still , it was almost like having her there with us . Earl won by the way . Yay ! I have six days where I don 't have to physically go to work . I mean , I still have online classes that I have to grade and respond to , and I have to prepare my syllabus for the next semester at the other college where I teach , but I could sit around in my pajamas for the next six days . The problem with teaching at two colleges is that they are on totally different schedules . One college is on quarters and the other is on semesters then breaks those semesters down into 8 - week sessions . The one college had spring break three weeks ago . Next week the other college has spring break . Rarely do the breaks coincide . I thought I was going to get a vacation at the end of June . I told my mom that we were coming down to Florida . Now I found out that the one college has a two - week break in the middle of June and the other college has a one break at the end . They don 't coincide again . . . . I 've asked to teach online this summer . I am determined to get a vacation eventually - - to leave the state and go somewhere other than New York to pick up Grace from college . I know no one will feel sorry for me since I snuck away for a fabulous vacation in Paris last year at this time . But you can 't live on Paris memories forever . Although I 'll keep trying . Aaaah , Paris . Today we 've had rain and storms . I had to teach at 3 : 30 and as I drove downtown the tops of the buildings were wrapped in clouds . I took the picture with my phone ( not an iPhone , obviously ) . When I sent the picture to Grace , she thought the buildings were on fire . Nope . Just wrapped in low - hanging clouds . I have a hard time choosing which charities to give to . They all seem so worthy . How do I decide ? I usually give to the local NPR station . I love NPR . I would not have survived being a stay - at - home mom without the intellectual stimulation of NPR . It seems right to give to something that I 'm using daily . I also give to the local YMCA . My kids have done sports at the YMCA since they were little . Now only Tucker continues to swim there , but I know plenty of other kids who don 't have the money or are in danger of becoming obese can go to the Y and learn how to play soccer or basketball . That seems worthy too . With the slow economy , I also felt like I should give to the local food pantry . Making sure people have enough to eat seems more important than playing games or listening to NPR , right ? But wait a minute , I just got something from the Sierra Club explaining how the earth might not even be habitable unless we take some action . I mean , what good does it do to provide food and exercise for people along with intellectual stimulation if the earth becomes too warm or too watery for people to live here . We have to take care of the earth . Then I get an email from a politician or a political party pledging to make things better in the economy , which could fix the hungry people , and they also promise to help clean up the oceans and wean the U . S . from its oil fixation so the earth can be healthy again . Maybe I need to support the politicians and trust them to improve our country and our planet . It 's so hard to prioritize . Then I 'll see a picture of little children in an orphanage and I 'll be sucked right back to thinking that I need to donate to them instead . It 's a vicious cycle for me . Which charities do you donate to ? I want it established right up front that walking to the library was my idea . I had a whole route planned out where we could stop by the bakery to get a baguette then have a coffee at the coffee shop then run by the grocery store . It 's true that my friends and I canceled our morning run because the wind howled through the trees and a cold rain fell . By 10 : 30 or so , the morning seemed to have cleared up . Let 's say the weather resembled this day along the Atlantic . I remembered to grab the big umbrella from the back of the car and I said to Earl , " How about if we both take umbrellas ? " " Nah , " he said . " It 's not going to rain . " So we walked to the library in the light breeze avoiding puddles on the sidewalk . We picked up an Italian movie for tonight then we took a turn up a side street to go past the school . A drop of rain fell on my arm . Then another . Thunder rumbled and a shrill whistle blew at the field . Soccer was canceled due to thunder . The kids ran screaming from the field as Earl opened the umbrella and held it above me . I understand that holding the umbrella can be a tiring job and I am thankful to him for doing it , but , to be honest , the person not holding the umbrella gets wetter than the person holding the umbrella . He thinks he is keeping me dry , but he is a foot taller than I am , so inevitably the rain begins to soak my shoulder . We walked fast but the rain became more fierce as the thunder rumbled . In a yard between two tall buildings , the rain came in at an angle blowing my hair across my face . " Get on my other side , " Earl said as he attempted to block the rain with the umbrella . We rounded the corner headed toward Panera and the rain suddenly turned to hail bouncing off the sidewalk in little chunks . The rain came straight at our faces and Earl held his umbrella in front of us and it buckled . I ran for it . My jeans were soaked . My wet hair curled wildly . My socks were wet inside my shoes . We decided to get the baguette and the coffee at Panera so we didn 't have to go any farther . We shivered in the cool restat Today I had a doctor appointment . I hadn 't been to the doctor in awhile . You know what I dreaded the most ? Getting weighed . Ridiculous . I 'm an adult woman with strong self esteem . My husband would be happy to tell you that I never think I 'm wrong . Yet the idea of walking in and being weighed by the nurse makes me feel like a junior high girl trying to get in with the popular crowd . I never think I 'll measure up . In honor of the weigh - in , I gave up wheat for the week because I immediately feel thinner when I don 't eat wheat . I also avoided eating red meat all week in case the doctor wanted to test my cholesterol . I exercised every morning , but I usually exercise most mornings , so it wasn 't that different . This morning , I fasted , water only before my appointment . Of course , I said that was so they could take my blood , but it also might have been because of that sliding metal arrow on the scale . Why does the scale at the doctor always weigh heavier than any other scale ? As I got dressed , I picked my lightest weight clothes . Luckily , it was warm out . I wore cotton capris , a short sleeve t - shirt and my crocs . The outfit would not have won any fashion awards , but it probably weighed a pound at the most . Now for most people going to the doctor , getting weighed should be the least of our problems . We don 't visit the doctor simply because she 's funny . We usually have a medical concern . There are times though that I avoid going , even if I need to , because I don 't want to be weighed . I guess it 's time to get over that . If I don 't like my weight then I had better change it rather than avoid the doctor . The problem with being a woman in the United States is that no matter what our weight , we 're never satisfied with it . In my late 20s and through my childbirthing years , my weight stayed at 118 pounds . After each baby , it slid right back to 118 with very little effort . Yet , never in my life have I thought of myself as thin or slim or even " just right . " So it doesn 't really matter what the scale says . The picture I have of myself iat This is my very lame way of celebrating , maybe commemorating , my 500th blog post , which was the last one I wrote . I never realized it until I clicked on it again to write another post and saw that I had completed 500 posts . Some good . Some boring . Some interesting . Some with way too much information . Thanks for reading . Tucker has always been precocious . Maybe because he 's the third kid and he caught on quickly to what his older brother and sister were doing . He learned how to work the mouse on the computer when he was 18 months old . He learned how to pedal a bike when he was two . He started the violin at 4 and quickly caught up with his older brother . Does it count as being precocious if you can grow facial hair early ? Tucker just turned 15 and is growing a beard . He has had a few episodes in the past where he refused to shave and the hair on his face looked scraggily , like Shaggy from Scooby Doo . This time , I think he 's actually got something going . Luckily , he still has braces so he doesn 't look like he 's 20 when he smiles . People have always told Tucker that he looks like his father . I warned him that he would get more comments that he and Earl look alike if he grew a beard . He was undeterred . Looks are not the only way Tucker and Earl are similar though . Actually , both of my sons take after the father in this one way . I was making French toast for breakfast on Saturday morning . I hadn 't put the powdered sugar and spoon into a bowl like I usually do . Tucker pulled the bag of powdered sugar from the " baking center " where I store it . As he took off the clip and began to unfold it , he started coughing . Then when he sprinkled the powdered sugar on his French toast and took a bite , he coughed again . All of the men in my family get choked on powdered sugar . Earl has often told the story of how he nearly choked to death when he was a child because his sister sprinkled the brownies with powdered sugar . No matter how much they all look like each other , or don 't , they have that one trait , a hatred for powdered sugar . Yet , they continue to encounter it . Today was the most gorgeous day of the year with the temperature climbing to 80 degrees and the blossoms suddenly bursting forth on the trees . Spencer is playing AAU basketball , which means many weekends are spent at local basketball tournaments . Today 's tournament was 45 minutes away and they played at 9 a . m . so we left before 8 . The morning was foggy and eerie until about half way to Lancaster . Then the sun burned through . Only five guys showed up for Spencer 's team , so they all played hard the entire game without any subs , getting only a 3 minute break at half time . Spencer had some friends over for awhile then they decided to go bike riding . When Earl and I got home from ballroom dance class , a sweaty Spencer was sitting in a stupor on the couch . I took the boys for ice cream then Spencer swung his legs over the arm of the chair and he fell asleep while Tucker controlled the remote control . When Spencer roused after a little while , I urged him to move to the now vacated couch so he didn 't get a stiff neck . As the bright sun headed toward 6 p . m . , it left these shadows on my tired boy 's sleeping face . An afternoon nap well earned during a pretty satisfying weekend . I was supposed to run with Dream Girl and Pam this morning , but my knee is a little swollen and I thought 7 . 5 miles would be pushing it . So I stayed in bed where the cats pestered me until I finally got up to feed them . Since I 'm not running with my friends in my weekly therapy session , I may as well write about them . For anyone who doesn 't know the story of Dream Girl , she was diagnosed with breast cancer last March . She had a lumpectomy at the end of that month . She and her husband went hiking on the Appalachian Trail then she began her chemotherapy treatments and met us each Saturday for a run . She was amazing . She out ran us throughout the summer and throughout her chemotherapy . She kept running through the summer and into the fall She ran the half - marathon in October . Now Dream Girl has hair again and has had two haircuts . This isn 't a good picture of her because we had just run 7 miles and I made her take her hat off for a picture , but as you can see , her hair is back and it 's kind of wavy . When Dream Girl went to see her doctor , she told him that people kept asking if she was cured or in remission . She didn 't know what to tell them . The doctor said she won 't be considered cured until she has gone 10 years without a recurrence of cancer . Gulp . How will she know if it comes back , she asked . Scans , blood tests , xrays ? " Your body will tell you , " he said . Double gulp . What does he mean her body will tell her ? Did her body tell her about the original lump ? Not soon enough . I don 't like the idea that the doctor is relying on her to figure it out . I don 't like it when the eye doctor shows me one lens then another and says , " Which is clearer ? Lens 1 or Lens 2 ? " What if I 'm wrong ? You tell me , I want to shout . But which lens is clearer is a much less important question than has my cancer returned . The doctor explained that the scans are expensive and make a lot of money for the companies that give them , but he doesn 't rely on them . He told Dream Girl to begin self - breast exams again . She suggested that if the cancer came bat I watched a few minutes of a show called Extreme Couponing last night on TLC . I know it 's ridiculous , but I kind of wondered how someone could spend $ 600 on groceries and only pay $ 6 for them . I 'd like to do that . Unfortunately , the show doesn 't really explain how to save a lot of money with coupons . Photo from TLC website . It focuses on a couple of families in each half hour episode . It shows the family 's " stash " where they store loads and loads of items , like toilet paper , paper towels , canned goods , boxed goods . Then it shows them organizing coupons , going through the weekly sales papers and finally at the grocery store . The families pushed three and four carts each and the checkout took two hours . One woman bought $ 1800 worth of groceries and paid less than $ 100 for them . That same woman said she wants her kids to be able to go to college without loans and that she has saved $ 40 , 000 on groceries by couponing . Earl was impressed that she had saved that much money . I suggested that she hadn 't actually put away $ 40 , 000 , but had avoided spending $ 40 , 000 on groceries . I 'm sure that unspent money dissipated into the family budget somewhere . And if I was going to be really catty , I would point out that $ 40 , 000 would pay for one of her seven kids to go to college for two years . Here 's something I noticed while watching the show . First , stores don 't offer coupons for meat or vegetables or fruit , so if the families were paying $ 6 for groceries , they weren 't bringing home some of the necessities for a healthy diet . Most coupons are for pre - packaged - type things . Cookies , Pop Tarts , Ritz crackers , cereals that my boys would love to get their hands on like Reese 's Puffs and Crunch Berries , filled the shopping carts . Maybe once a person starts spending less and less on groceries , she can 't break that habit to buy healthy foods , like $ 3 for a pineapple or $ 2 . 50 for a quart of blueberries . One 24 - year - old woman who lives with only her boyfriend and who was extremely overweight was up shopping at 6 a . m . to get to all the items sheat I was working at my computer in my office ( hallway ) when Spencer came in from school yesterday a little later than usual . " Hey . Where 've you been ? " I asked . " Working on bio , " he said . He 's taking a biology 2 class , which isn 't as challenging as his chemistry class . " Good day ? " I asked , my eyes half on the computer screen where I was grading papers . " I got a date to prom , " he said . That got my attention . Then Earl walked up and asked if Spencer would help him move something heavy at the neighbor 's house . " Who is it ? " I asked as they walked toward the back door . " Claudia , " he said as they left . She 's a girl his age . One of those startlingly pretty girls who didn 't seem to exist when I was in high school , but who seem to fill the halls these days . I wanted more details but I would have to move slowly rather than bombarding him with questions . A few details trickled out . They were leaving bio after school when he asked her . " Did you feel like Harry Potter ? " I asked . He smiled . My family has read and listened to Harry Potter enough that he knew exactly which scene I meant . The scene in Goblet of Fire where Harry has to have a date for the ball . He blurts out to Cho Chang , " Would you go to ball with me ? " running all the words together so she can 't understand him . I can hear the voice of Jim Dale , the Harry Potter narrator , saying the words . Spencer smiled . " It 's embarrassing , but that 's just what I was thinking . " But , her friends had already let him know that Claudia would go to the prom with him , so he wasn 't as nervous as Harry Potter must have been . The experience made me think back to my own prom days . When I was a sophomore , I was a last minute date for a guy named Brad whose date got sick . I wore a cream - colored dress with ribbon straps on the shoulders , and Brad brought me wrist corsage of white carnations tipped in brown . I know . Couldn 't we just have waited a few days for them to wilt to get the tipped in brown look ? We lived in a small town about 30 minutes from Cincinnati , so the prom was held at a fancy hotel in Cincinnatat My life is so different now that my daughter has gone away to college . Here 's just one example . In the car the other day , Spencer and his friend Dakota were in the backseat on the way home from an AAU basketball game . " So are you going to prom , Dakota ? " I asked . " I don 't know . Probably . " Dakota looks to Spencer and they both shrug . Spencer , who has heard this question before , adamantly said no to prom about a month ago . " Why would I spend that much money if I 'm not dating someone ? " he asked . Last week he said , " Maybe " lilting his voice up at the end , which means there 's a girl he may want to ask , although he would die rather than tell me who . My friend Stephanie told me her daughter 's prom is in two weeks , so I asked the boys if they were running out of time . " When is the prom anyway ? " I asked . They both looked blankly at each other . They had no clue . Last year , the minute spring musical wrapped up , we were ankle deep in prom preparations . Dresses were chosen and shoes admired . Hairstyles considered and flowers ordered . The date , the group , the dinner , all were in order long before the prom tickets were printed . That 's how it goes with girls . With boys , the pace is a little slower . I wouldn 't be surprised if prom came and went with the boys not even noticing that it had passed . But I plan to pressure Spence a little bit to ask a girl his age , rather than the freshman and sophomores who flock around the upperclassmen ; a tall girl who might not get to wear heals unless she goes with a tall guy like Spence . Okay , I already have a girl in mind who he was texting the other day - - not that it means anything . They all text each other constantly . I imagine if he does ask someone , we 'll be scurrying to find a corsage and to buy black dress shoes that will match his tux . I went to the school website this morning and learned that the prom isn 't until the middle of May . We have plenty of time - - in boy time , that is . In girl time , we would already be in panic mode at the lack of a date . No , we didn 't take another trip to Paris , but I reminded Earl that last year at this time we were anxiously anticipating our trip to Paris . We decided to create our own France staycation by walking downtown for coffee and dessert . We went to one of our favorite restaurants Roma Trattoria . We got to the restaurant just moments before they closed between lunch and dinner . They seated us along the front windows and we ordered espressos while we perused the dessert menu . Earl is a tea man usually , but he drank some espresso in Paris and decided that he would drink coffee for our Paris staycation . I 'm not sure if espresso tastes better in Paris , or if everything tastes better in Paris , or if it was the lack of sugar cubes . A sugar cube is more sensory satisfying than a packet of sugar . Dropping it into the cup then using that tiny little spoon to stir it around , watching it melt slowly until it melded with the espresso . Earl went for the chocolate cannoli for his dessert . And I chose the lemon torte with vanilla bean ice cream . I don 't usually like ice cream with my desserts . I don 't like switching from the warm to the frozen . In this instance , the warm and the cold melted in my mouth . Delightful . After our coffee and dessert , we walked to the grocery store and bought some French brie . When I was paying , I looked curiously at the cost of the brie . I thought the tag said $ 5 . 99 but it rang up $ 6 . 99 . While Earl waited at the door , I went back to look at the price . Sure enough , it should have been $ 5 . 99 . We went to the customer service desk and I showed them the receipt and the cheese . The woman gave us back $ 7 . When it rings up incorrectly , the buyer gets the item free , she explained . Plus , she was the only one behind the desk and she didn 't want to go check the price . So , with our free brie , we walked down the street to Panera where we bought two baguettes . One baquette was to go with the cheese , the other baguette was to assuage the boys when they got home from school . We walked home with the baguettes jutting from the bag at Nearly a month ago , my grandmother suffered a stroke . We didn 't find out about the stroke until a couple of days afterward . She was moved to a rehab center fairly quickly . My brother Kevin and I planned to visit on that Friday . Then a snow storm cancelled our driving plans . We talked about other days we could visit , swimming and basketball schedules interrupting our plans . Illnesses and dance recitals interfering . This week , I learned our grandmother had contracted pnuemonia in the rehab center . I begged off a staff meeting on Thursday afternoon , went to teach Thursday morning at 7 : 30 a . m . then hit the highway headed south . I drove four hours to the little town of Mt . Vernon , Kentucky , where she lives . Nothing prepared me to see my lively Nana in a hospital bed struggling for each breathe . She told me I shouldn 't have driven all that way . We talked about cousins and relatives . After about 15 minutes , she said she was going to rest . I told her I 'd be back later . When I got to the car , I called my parents in Florida and suggested they head north . My uncle and aunt who live in Kentucky were both home with the flu , which they caught at the rehab center . I called my uncle and he asked whether my grandmother recognized me . " Of course , " I said . That meant she was better than she had been . She didn 't seem better to me , but I hadn 't been there every day to watch her progress or regress . I took some soup to my cousin 's house , since my aunt and uncle were too sick to want it . I hung out for a bit then went back to see Nana . Standing at the hospital bed , talking about whether she would improve , was awkward . " I told Grace we would visit when she gets home from school , " I said to my grandmother , willing her to hold on since Grace is 10 hours away from home . She said she wanted to hold on , but she was miserable . " Are you miserable because you hurt or because you can 't do things for yourself ? " I asked . She confirmed that she hated to be waited on . Her mouth was dry but she wasn 't allowed to have water because they were afraid she would aat Thank you for joining this weekly meme . Grab a copy of the photo above and link back to An Accidental Blog . Share with the rest of us yo . . .

My few days of work this week seemed surreal . I was afraid I 'd throw up and give myself away . Thankfully , there was no chance of that . The coffee in the faculty room seemed incredibly pungent and it was difficult for me to breathe in there , so I avoided going in there . Being pregnant seemed my priorities changed overnight and I really didn 't care about my lesson plans all that much anymore . I 'm not sure if that was a reaction to being pregnant or just because I know I won 't be working there much longer . I had known that I was going to be looking for another job at the end of the school year , but now there was the chance that I 'd have to find one during the school year . I also had a chat with my principal and played up my hypothyroidism . I told her that my thyroid was acting up and that because my weight was fluctuating , I 'd have to go to the doctor more often for tests and that it might be scheduled during school . Sure enough , my first meeting with my OBGYN could only be scheduled at 11am , for some reason . I hope they 're not all like that ! We had our first appointment with the special nurse ( I forget her title , but I know she 's an RN ) . It went well . A lot of it we had already known thanks to internet research and a book I had picked up . It included explanations of what not to eat , what tests I 'd be getting , what would happen at my appointment with the OBGYN , discussions of my diet , how much weight I should gain ( not much , since I 'm already " obese " ) , and discussions of my thyroid medication . I explained the situation with my endocrinologist and exactly what she said about my medication , how she doesn 't take pregnant patients who are on a medication with T3 as well as T4 . I also explained that the American Thyroid Association states that pregnancy with a T4 medication is fine , but that there 's no research to state whether or not T3 is a problem . The RN told me to stay on the medication that I 'm taking and that the OBGYN would refer me to an endocrinologist in their practice when I meet with her in a few weeks . The RN gave me a book on pregnancy along with several pamphlets . When we got home , I called my dad and told him . He seemed quite happy , which surprised me . I never could quite figure out my father anyway . He really wasn 't consistent with his words and his deeds , but I was at least glad he acted happy . Turkey day came and it was good , other than the fact that I felt queasy all day . I wished I had worn a sports bra . My breasts were sore and every hug hurt . Today , the smell of Fritos being eaten was particularly nauseating and I ran to the bathroom a few times , but didn 't throw up . It was great spending time among family , even though I wasn 't feeling well the entire time . Everyone present already knew I was pregnant , but it was a small gathering . My mom gave us books . I got one on pregnancy and Kyle got one on fathers - to - be . Kyle and my middle sister 's husband got along amazingly well ! I was glad he was quickly becoming part of the family ! It didn 't help that my middle sister 's husband spent the whole time joking about us having twins . Twins run in both sides of my family and on one side of Kyle 's family . And being over 35 and overweight makes it more likely that I 'll have twins too . Kyle and I discussed that possibility on the way home . When we got home , Kyle called his mom and told her about me being pregnant . She said she was happy , but didn 't really sound it . I hoped things would be okay . Kyle talked with her later via text and she revealed why she didn 't sound too happy . She was concerned that she 'd never get to see this grandchild either ( Kyle 's sister has kids in a faraway state that she never gets to see ) . While we live a long drive away , it 's not like she 'd never get to keep the kid . My youngest sister couldn 't make it to my mom 's house yesterday , so me and Kyle went back to give her the news in person . She 's pregnant too , only she 's due in April ! She was happy for me and we spent most of the time talking about pregnancy stuff . Her husband wasn 't along , so Kyle seemed to feel very out of place . When we got home , Kyle and I had sex before he left for work . While he was gone , I had cramping , it felt like menstrual cramps . Then I went to the bathroom and noticed that I had started to bleed . Was it even blood ? It looked pink . I got scared I was having a miscarriage and called the doctor 's office . I told them everything that happened , including having sex ( which isn 't supposed to harm a pregnancy ) . The nurse said she 'd check with a doctor and call back . I wandered around the apartment , cleaning like a crazy person , waiting for that phone call . They finally returned it and said if the cramping or bleeding didn 't worsen , I would be fine . Within a few hours , the bleeding went away , but the cramping didn 't . I awoke at my usual time , but fell back asleep several times . When I finally did get up , my head felt off , like I was getting sick . I still had those menstrual - like cramps . I looked it up on the internet and it said that it was normal and it was just my uterus stretching . According to the books I read , the embryo ( it 's not even considered a fetus yet ) is only the size of a sweet pea , now that today marks the beginning of my 6th week . Why the fuck does my uterus need to stretch that much for something that small ! ? After mustering all my strength to make myself a healthy breakfast and lunch and take all of my supplements , Kyle and I decided to have a fast food dinner . I 'm wondering if there 's something I 'm missing in my diet because after I ate that food ( double cheeseburger , fries , a small milkshake , and a soda ) , I felt a lot better . I tried to think what nutritional elements had been present in that meal . There was a lot of fat , salt , carbs , and calories , with a small amount of protein . I realized that I needed to fix my diet , but how ? Which of those things made me feel better ? I guess I 'll have to experiment and find out ! Because I was waiting to get my period so I could get those lab tests , I was paying close attention to my period and had expected to get it any day . Last Tuesday was exactly a month from the date of my last period . I waited five days and then took a pregnancy test . It was positive . It was a cheap test and the plus sign was kind of faint . I still called my oldest sister and told her about it . My first reaction was fear . As soon as I left the bathroom and told Kyle the result , he hugged me with a big grin on his face . I did not have to worry about him supporting me . We both wanted kids , but I honestly didn 't expect to be pregnant so soon ! We spent the day in various states of shock , happiness , and excitement . We decided to get a good pregnancy test and try it again the next day . We went hiking together and I had my first bout of morning sickness . It came on suddenly and I was only able to walk a few steps off of the trail before I threw up . That settled it for me and I set up an appointment for my 6 - week check - up . It wouldn 't be with my gynocologist , but someone else . I also found that they start counting the weeks of pregnancy from the date of my last period , so technically I 'm in my 5th week . I felt queasy for the rest of the day . We went shopping and the smell of the chicken in the supermarket also made me feel like I wanted to throw up . The next morning , I got up early and took the second test . It took less than 30 seconds before it came up with the answer : pregnant . It was very clear . It became real . I looked some information up online and found out that I also discovered that the fetus is the size of a sesame seed . Because I felt weird calling it " it " , I started calling it my " little sesame seed " . I 'll probably come up with a different name for next week when it 's bigger ! I realized that I need to start telling people , at least my close family members . I called my mom and made plans for me to stop in the afternoon . I planned a cute way to tell my her . I was unsure of how she was going to react . She knows I 've always wanted kids , but it 's a bit early in our relationship and we 're not married . My stomach was full of butterflies on the whole way there ! Well , I apparently had nothing to worry about . She seemed to be in shock for a minute or two , but then she jumped up and hugged me . I was really relieved ! I decided to wait for another day to tell my dad . There was also the issue of work to think about . I worked in a school district that I knew would fire me if I was pregnant and unmarried . Of course , it 's illegal , but it 's easy to make up some infraction that was worthy of firing over . It happened a few years ago to the French teacher . As soon as she started to show , she just disappeared and never came back . Being on the larger side , I will have longer before people start to notice , especially if I manage to hide it with creative clothing choices . Even so , I 'll be at about 8 months by the time school ends in June . I doubt I can hide it that long . I could always fake a marriage by getting a wedding ring and wearing it to work , assuming they 'd believe it . The best plan is to try and find a teaching job mid - year , which is difficult . There tend to be very few openings during the school year unless someone is found to be very unfit to teach or they quit for whatever reason . For professional reasons , I hate leaving in the middle of the school year , but I feel like I really don 't have a choice . I have been commenting loudly to anyone who will listen about how I 've been losing weight and how my hypothyroidism is acting up . I made my 8 week appointment today and my principal was very unhappy about it , but I really wasn 't given much of a choice as for different times or days I could do it and it had to be that week . I suppose I shouldn 't be too worried about what she thinks , but until I find something else , she is my boss . I haven 't had any incidence of morning sickness since Saturday , but I have had several food aversions . The smell of brewing coffee in the faculty room is overpowering , so I have mostly learned to steer clear from there . I can 't stand the smell of bleach either . Also , apples bother me too . I always liked apples , so that 's an odd one . I 'm just grateful that they haven 't caused me to throw up anymore . After throwing up on Saturday , I was concerned about throwing up at work . Thankfully it hasn 't been a problem . I just hope it will continue not to be ! I went to my first gynecologist visit ever today . My periods had shortened to two days in length since August . I was concerned about my fertility , so my doctor referred me to a gynecologist . It was an interesting visit . I liked my doctor immediately . She just seemed like the kind of person who likes what she does and that you can trust . When I asked her a question she didn 't know the answer to , she said she didn 't know but that she would find out . I hate it when doctors lie and make up an answer when they don 't know . She told me that my shortened periods weren 't as much of a problem because I was still getting them . She was more concerned about my weight and the fact that I used to smoke . She encouraged me to lose 10 % of my weight and said that would increase my fertility . I told her I was working on it ( I 'm down 4lbs just from eating three meals a day and only the meals that I logged the night before ) . Still , that 's 22lbs and it seemed like a big number . I 'm glad I broke my goals into smaller numbers because they somehow seem easier to achieve . She told me that she 'd like to get some blood - work when I 'm on the second day of my period to know for sure what levels I have and what 's concerning for my fertility . So now I will have to wait until I get my period and then go to the lab . At the end of the visit , she asked me how long it has been since I used any method of birth control . I told her it was only since September and that we really hadn 't been trying , we just hadn 't been trying to prevent it . Without knowing my story or my situation , she recommended that I try for 6 months and then we would know if I had a fertility problem or not . I stared at her , a little bit in shock . She continued to say that I 'm 37 years old and that if I want to have kids , so I should start now . I just worry about it being so soon in my relationship with Kyle . We 're still learning to live with each other . A pregnancy and baby are a lot to add into the mix in a new relationship . I don 't know . Maybe she 's right . Maybe I don 't have much time . When I got home , I made sure to take my multivitamins so I have enough folic acid . I also called up my mom and sisters and explained my eating program and my emergency plan and asked if I could call them if I 'm feeling like going off of my food plan . It was difficult to do , to admit to my mom and younger sisters that I had a problem with food . They didn 't argue , so maybe they already knew . I also found someone online who is doing a similar program to me . We 're both starting around the same time and have both agreed to help keep each other accountable ! I hope this weight loss thing works , but with the added reason of becoming more fertile and have less of a chance of birth defects , I definitely have more of a reason to lose weight than ever ! I thought a lot about a lot of the various weight loss methods that I have tried over the years . The only one that was successful was honestly a bit unhealthy and no longer works for me . I lost weight close to 15 years ago by counting calories . Most people would say that it 's not a terribly unhealthy approach . But what most people visualize is healthier food at reasonable serving sizes . That 's not exactly how I did it . When I got a food craving , say for a Big Mac . Fries , and milkshake , I 'd have that and count that as my calories for the day . I literally ate nothing else . Unfortunately , with my thyroid the way it is , that plan will no longer work . I have tried several eating plans since then . I 've tried detox diets , the blood type one , shakes , counting calories , low - glycemic , paleo , and high - protein . I have come to the conclusion that I can 't follow these diets . What I didn 't realize was the reason why . Maybe it 's because my head is all messed up either from my ex - husband 's gaslighting or my depression , but I have been exhibiting signs of a compulsive overeater . I had always had this picture in my mind of compulsive overeaters sneaking a giant bag of cookies into a closet and eating where no one would see them . I pictured them being the ones who can finish off a half gallon of ice cream in a single sitting . I didn 't do those things , so it never occurred to me that I exhibited other signs of a compulsive overeater . For example , when my coworkers leave candy in the faculty room , I take a few , then keep coming back . It feels like a compulsion . I 'd find reasons to keep returning . I 'd make myself coffee . I 'd act like I was waiting on line to make photocopies . I 'd return a mug that I left in my classroom . But it was embarrassing and I kept doing it anyway . There are also some things that I just can 't eat one of . I have to finish the whole can , bar , or container . I also eat compulsively when I 'm tired or depressed . I have also been known to pick up one meal at a fast food restaurant and then eat another one when I got home ( assuming someone else was living with me at the time ) . Oddly enough , this realization came as a result of my last eating plan . I started the eating plan and followed it faithfully for almost a week when it came time for my " cheat meal " . No matter what I chose for my cheat meal , it didn 't last for a meal . It usually lasted for a whole day and threw my eating off for an entire week . That 's when I started to suspect that I had a problem when it came to food . I decided to think back to the time when all of this started , when I first gained the weight . I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism during a time when I working two jobs , eating McDonalds for at least two meals a day , I spent 3 hours daily in my car commuting , and my ( now ) ex - husband ignored me for the small amount of time I was at home . I started to wonder if the stress combined with the junk food and sedentary lifestyle could result in a hypothyroidism diagnosis . Like maybe the stress combined with the hormones in the meat caused my thyroid to stop working as well ? There 's no proof of that , but if the doctors don 't know the cause , why I can 't hypothesize about it . I did know that the problem went deeper . I really was like this since I was a child . I ate all of my Halloween and Easter candy in a single sitting . My parents used to give us candy in our stockings at Christmas and mine was always gone before breakfast on Christmas morning . I remember whenever my mom made my favorite cookies I compulsively snuck them . It was similar to the way I sneak foods in the faculty room . I just kept going back for more . Needless to say , I have a problem . But what was the solution ? Seeing as I had a compulsive eating problem , even if it isn 't nearly as bad as it could be , I decided to look into what was done in several compulsive eating programs . These rules will seem strict and that 's the point . Because I have figured out ( by a lot of wasted time and failed diets ) that there are just some things I can 't be trusted to do . These are also a long list of rules , but I 'm working on starting them bit by bit , so hopefully they won 't seem so hard . Do not eat any kind of sugar or flour . Yes that goes for any kind of sugar including stevia , honey , agave , artificial sweeteners , and dried fruits ( the only exception is whole , real fruit ) . That also means any kind of flour including rice flour , almond flour , and coconut flour ( which I have leftover from my paleo attempts ) . I have been feeling pretty purposeless in this blog ever since my first experiment ended on January 1st 2016 . I suppose that is partially why I have had a difficult time keeping up with it . The other reason is just simply because I have been busy and stressed out . I have recently come across a few different tools in setting goals . I am going to leave out the first section where I answered various questions about what my ideal life would look like in the various aspects of it ( family , health , relationships , money , etc . ) . Thankfully , I 'm one of those people who really didn 't need the question and answer section and really already know what I want . The first thing I did was figure out which goals were more immediate and which ones would either require more time or were not terribly pressing on my mind for completion currently . Here 's what I came up with : To start , I decided to go with the first goal : " to lose weight " . Eating right should help me in my other two short - term goals as well ! Also , " to lose weight " is not terribly specific . I amended my goal to be " to lose 70lbs by December 31st , 2017 " . 9 . I 'm tired of eating well , exercising , etc . I just want to do what I want . - do you want to look like this forever ? 2 . I will take the train 4 days a week to work so I walk about 40 - 50 minutes a day . If I don 't take the train , I will walk for the same amount of time when I get home or during a lunch break starting November 15th , 2016 . Now that I have a plan , I will come up with some deadlines . I remember reading somewhere that your first weight - loss goal should be 10 % of your original weight . Ten percent of my weight is over twenty pounds , so I decided to make my weight loss goals in 10 % increments of the amount I have to lose . Since I want to lose 70lbs , my first goal should be to lose 7lbs . That 's not bad . It seems doable . And now I 'm going to address the people who are all about NSVs ( non - scale victories ) . People celebrate non - scale victories and no doubt I will too . These people state that it 's not about the number on the scale . I can understand that . The number on the scale can be frustrating when it doesn 't move . It can seem like an arbitrary number . However , I want to be that number on the scale to have less weight on my joints and to be considered a " normal " weight . For my height , that would be at 154lbs , so a goal of 150lbs is not terribly arbitrary . Even so , I will not doubt blog about my various victories , both on the scale and non - scale victories . However , my goals are going to be scale - related . I also decided to keep going by 10 % increments for a few reasons . The first is that with my hypothyroidism it will be difficult to lose weight . Secondly , the lower weight tends to get , the more difficult it is to lose more of it . I have had a few weird days . I had a parent complain because I made her daughter aware of a dress code violation . My principal had been after us for a while now to enforce them since the girls ' skirts had been getting pretty short , especially with my middle school students . Given the reaction of the parent , I never will again . After wondering what my principal was going to say in reaction for over a day , my principal told me to just ignore the parent e - mail and not address the issue . She said it was for homeroom teachers to address . So I filed it in my mind as " not my problem " and moved on after worrying about it for over 24 hours . Bryan got back in touch with me yesterday . He still had a shirt of mine . I had given it up for lost . It was once a favorite t - shirt , so I was excited to get it back . It was a concert t - shirt from my favorite band , who had long since broken up . It was not to be found on the internet . I looked . He suggested maybe we could meet up for me to get it back . He now has full custody of his kids . His ex - wife got a job elsewhere and sends him child support . He likely was interested in either getting back together with me or sex at the very least . I had no interest in anything more than getting my t - shirt back , although if he was still missing me , a small amount of revenge would have been nice . He tried to add me as a friend on Facebook . I did not add or deny him . I told him I would be happy to meet him as friends , which was enough to appease Kyle . Kyle is now officially moved in . It took a significant amount of money for gas , tolls , and food to drive to where he lives and pick up his belongings . I also discovered that I have a weakness for buying him things . It certainly has been an adjustment . It 's not just that he goes to bed significantly later than I do . I think the majority of people go to bed later than I do . It 's also that I 'm having difficulties sharing my space . The first week after he moved in , the apartment was a disaster area . He just left his boxes of things wherever he dropped them when we first brought his things inside and didn 't touch them all week , despite the fact that he didn 't have to work until last Saturday . I spent the majority of last weekend working with him to try and find homes for his things . We rearranged the living room . I finished cleaning out a closet for him . I organized some of my own things that needed to be organized . I tried to keep his preferences in mind and we compromised on many things , but there were a few things I wouldn 't budge on either . Thankfully , we weren 't stubborn on the same issues , so we ended up doing okay . I 'm finally starting to catch up at work and I 'm feeling less stressed . It 's also nice that the apartment is relatively clean . The one thing that I don 't understand is that even though the two of us now work together to get stuff done , I still feel like I don 't have enough time to do the things that I want to do . Well , not all of them , anyway . I still make time to spend time with him almost daily , but I 'm woefully behind on my blog . I am also having problems with my temperament . I 'm not sure why , but I find that I 'm snapping at Kyle almost daily . I feel badly , but nonetheless , I find myself doing it again . I also haven 't been getting enough sleep . He seems to have this weird idea that I need to be in bed by 9 : 00 , but it 's really ideal for me to be asleep by 8 : 00 . It is nice of him to lay down with me until I fall asleep , then he leaves the bedroom and does his own thing . I am also extremely short on money . I get paid every two weeks and I was paid on November 1st . That money paid for my car insurance , rent , food , and gas money . I literally had nothing left over . Even so , we have had to be extremely careful as to what to buy . I think the lack of money has made me moody as well . I 'm not used to having to watch what I spend so closely . He also doesn 't seem to understand why he can 't buy chocolate milk or whatever other frivolous junk food he wants . We managed to get our grocery bill just under $ 80 for two weeks . But every so often it 's like he doesn 't understand how short on money we are . It seems like I 'm just writing about the negative aspects of Kyle moving in . Of course there are many good things about him . He has been doing dishes , cleaning up after my cats , and cooking dinner most nights of the week . He is a good cook and actually enjoys cooking . For me , cooking is just a means to an end , so I 'm happy he enjoys it ! I 've been sleeping in lately . It 's not like I can afford to take the train until I get paid again anyway . I miss taking the train . It 's not just that I like having the extra time to do stuff . I also like the exercise and think it does something positive for me , though it 's difficult to determine what . The one thing that surprised me about taking the train wasn 't seeing Juan , but wanting to see Diego . I discovered that I miss him . I don 't miss the fact that he was practically obsessed with sex to the detriment of our relationship , but I do miss many things about him . I get the urge to talk in Spanish sometimes , but realize nobody around me would understand . I wonder how he 's doing , if he 's okay . I miss the fun times we had just hanging out together on the train . I don 't want to date him and I have no desire to dump Kyle , but I really do miss Diego . Maybe all of the unkind things he said after I broke up with him have faded in my memory and all of the good things have returned . I also don 't think his culture looks kindly on men being friends with women either . It 's probably just a pipe dream . I switched train stations because I realized that there was one closer to me that also had cheaper parking . Nonetheless , I am sometimes tempted to go back to Diego 's station just to see if he 's there and he 's okay . Maybe they deported him . Maybe he did something stupid and got in trouble with the law . I 'm worried about him . Is that normal ? I have also been struggling with depression , but it has presented in yet another way . I have been waking up shaking again . Whenever this happens , it takes a lot of willpower to get myself out of bed in the morning . I also find myself feeling quite depressed and overemotional for a few hours . After that time is up , I feel better and can at least pretend some semblance of happiness when teaching my students . Then , in the evening , it returns , either as depression or as being moody , temperamental , and bitchy . I 've decided to do the NaNoRiMo project , but not with a novel . I can 't write from my imagination , so I have decided that I 'm going to try and write that much in my blogs daily . This is not my only blog , of course , so hopefully between those I can manage to write the minimum amount . I have also been writing in this blog very sporadically . For the first year , my blog had a sense of purpose . When I started writing in it again , I really just wanted to have a place to vent my feelings and discuss aspects of my life that I really don 't feel like I can discuss with anyone else in my life . It has been a while since I got a chance to write last . Kyle and I survived another two - week separation . I drove to his place , picked him and many of his belongings up , and brought him to my place . He was going to be staying a week with me so he could look for work in order to move in with me . At first , it was fun . I took him to some of my favorite hiking spots , we planned meals , went food shopping together , and went mini - golfing together . Even the little things like planning the meals were fun , like a novelty . It was like we were playing at house and we enjoyed it greatly . Then I returned to work . Because he was there , I stayed up later than usual to spend time with him . That resulted in me waking up late and having to drive to work instead of taking the train . Because I spent my two commuting hours driving in a car and not working on work on the train , I come home stressed because I was behind in everything . I worked on my work while he made food . It only got worse as the week went on . I drove to work every day and the work piled up . I actually drove him to a trail - head to hike with some of my friends and stayed in the car grading papers . By the end of the first week , I was starting to get fed up with the stuff sitting around my apartment that belonged to him . It wasn 't just his boxes , but the things he worked on daily spread throughout my living room . Dishes piled up at an alarming rate and I just didn 't have the time to do them because I was busy catching up on work . We also had several disagreements as to lifestyle . We mostly compromised on the solutions , but I really wasn 't terribly happy with the outcomes . But I suppose if something is truly a compromise then nobody is happy . One thing that I liked is that when we disagreed , we would talk it over while we cuddled . I liked it because it helps remind me that I love him , even while being annoyed and disagreeing . It 's surprising , but it really seems to work ! He had two interviews and seemed uninterested in applying elsewhere . One interview had gone well and he got the job . Unfortunately , they required him to get a ridiculous amount of tests done including a physical , a PPD , background check , fingerprinting , and a drug tests . They required him to pay for all of them . Neither of us could understand how a job making less than $ 10 / hr thought they could find someone who could just pay for all of those tests upfront and still be willing to make under $ 10 / hr . The other interview went well , but they wanted him to return for a second interview , so he decided that he would stay a second week . Finally on Monday of this week I straightened up the living room the best that I could . I asked him to find homes for some of his boxes and gave him some options for places that he could keep his stuff . I also asked him to take care of the dishes . In addition , he promised that dinner would be waiting for me when I came home . Then I received a text that morning that he had a seizure and wouldn 't be able to get much done . That was understandable . Annoying and with the perfect timing , but understandable . I finished work and drove home , picking him up a few food items he had been craving post - seizure . When I got there , I sat on the couch for a few minutes , feeling overworked and overwhelmed . Then I got up and started on making food . Unfortunately the only food I had to cook was something that would take a while . I had planned to make it on Sunday and then something happened and I didn 't get a chance to . It took me almost two hours to make the food while he sat and played on his computer , complaining of his headache and how the light hurt his eyes . I think he could sense my annoyance building so he said he was going to sit in the dark bedroom for a while . I walked in there to see him playing on his tablet in the dark . Yeah , that will help his head . Eventually , I finished dinner and we sat down to eat . And he complained of the blandness of the food . I thought it tasted fine , good even . I was tired , burned out , frustrated , and with his comment I was livid . I know food is his hobby and everything , but clearly he doesn 't understand that I made the effort to make us food purely for the fact that we both needed something to eat . Given all of the work and effort I put into not going to bed as soon as I got home and made us food instead , I was angry . I finally calmed down enough to say something about it and he replied that he couldn 't help it . I 'm starting to wonder if I 'm doing the right thing . He 's moving into my apartment and I get that I need to compromise , but it 's starting to seem like I 'm doing more of the compromising . I 've lived alone for over three years now and I 'm used to it . Sure , it got lonely , but now it seems unfamiliar , scary , and crowded . Maybe I 'm just scared . Scared he isn 't who he seems to be . Scared that he is . And it doesn 't help that I 've taken to referring to him by a pet name that I call him because half of the time , I find myself wanting to call him my ex - husband 's name . Why the fuck would I want to do that ! ? Maybe it means that I 'm getting serious about him ? Maybe it means that he 's going to fuck with my mind like my ex - husband did ? He must love me an awful lot to give up everything he has where he lives to come and live with me . Sure , there are benefits other than just getting to live with me . Maybe I 'm just scared . I 'm definitely untrusting . It 's not that I don 't trust him , it 's just that I don 't trust anyone anymore . It seemed okay when it was just a short fling like with Bryan . And Diego somehow convinced me that he would never cheat on me . He didn 't even talk to other women . It 's not in their culture . But there were other things I didn 't trust about him . Why don 't I trust Kyle then ? Is it because it 's the real thing , love again ? Or is it because there 's something not to trust ? I don 't know , but I 'm really starting to freak out . I am most certainly scared . Of what , I can 't exactly say . He 's apparently leaving to go back for a week this weekend . He will spend his time packing his stuff and I 'm supposed to come and get him the following weekend . It 's going to take a lot of adjusting to get used to living with him . I never had problems living with guys before . To be fair , excepting my two years in a college dorm room and one year of grad school , I have never lived alone . I have always lived with the guys I was dating . Now it 's been about three years and someone else is going to be moving in with me . Am I just too old and crotchety ? Oh , and to make matters more interesting , we stopped using protection against pregnancy again . Every time we have sex , he rolls a die . If it 's even , we use protection for sex . If it 's odd , we don 't . I 'm not sure if it 's a loaded die or what , but I 've found that every time so far , we don 't ' use protection . I 'm back to being unafraid about that though . I 'm sure it 's just part of my biological clock ticking because my mind logically tells me that I should be . How can I be scared and unsure of Kyle and not scared of having a child with him ? I awoke in an oddly good mood , considering I dreamed about my dead cat . I used to have a cat a few years ago that I loved dearly . I still get sad when I think about her . She was a very sweet and loving creature . I woke up thinking that I needed to become like her if I wanted to be loved . But I don 't want to be loved . Not by anybody that 's not my family and Kyle . And they already love me . Sure some friends nearby would be nice , but I 'm not even sure I 'd have time for them anyway . I also awoke particularly motivated . I cleaned the cat pee off the floor of the bathroom ( again ) , showered , packed my lunch , and managed to leave with plenty of time to spare . On my drive to work I started scratching my neck again . This time , I could feel bumps all over it . When I got to work , it seemed to be spreading . I started to get worried about it , took a sick day , and drove to the nearest urgent care center . They told me I had bed bugs . I couldn 't figure out when / where I had the bed buts . I slept on Kyle 's futon mattress when we were camping and my bed at home . I started itching on Sunday morning , but Kyle hasn 't had any itching or a rash . They prescribed me stuff , but I wasn 't really terribly sure I believed them . Nonetheless , I took everything to the Laundromat and washed it , just in case . Then I saw my doctor because I had some other issues I was concerned about . I have been having pain extending from my neck and down my shoulder blade . Also , my last two periods only lasted two days . I was concerned that I was starting menopause early , for whatever reason . My doctor was less than helpful . He did state that it was too soon to tell if my rash was from bedbugs or not . He said it was just as likely to be an allergy and didn 't seem overly concerned about it . He suggested Claritin during the day and Benedryl at night . I refused to take Benedryl unless it was mortally necessary , due to some of the side effects it has on me . He tried to refer me to a specialist for my shoulder pain . He felt my muscles and said nothing seemed tight and ordered me to take an x - ray . He also ordered some blood work to determine if I was having an allergic reaction and if there were problems with my hormones ( for my period problems ) . He also referred me to a gynecologist . I went to the lab to get blood drawn . However , when I got to the x - ray people , they were concerned because there was a chance that I might be pregnant . They sent me back up to my doctor 's office . Feeling a bit weird telling the receptionist that I needed a pregnancy test within earshot of the entire waiting room , I told her that the x - ray people sent me back because I needed to get an additional test . I thought that would suffice . After waiting an hour , someone came out and said that they 'd notify me of my test results . If they were abnormal , they 'd call , if they were normal , they 'd mail them . Then I swallowed my pride and told them directly that the x - ray people insisted that I take a pregnancy test before they would do my x - ray . I was made to wait for 15 more minutes , peed in a cup , was declared negative , and sent back to the x - ray people . They x - rayed me . We both woke up with hangovers . I drank as much water as I could stomach . I made myself some tea so II could assess everything that needed to be packed and figure out how to fit it all into my car . It took about two hours to get everything done . Half of that time Kyle was being pestered by his cousin to leave . He wouldn 't go until I was packed up , which was very kind of him . Unfortunately , that meant that we had to say goodbye in a very public place . I got a peck on the lips and a hug . Tears welled up in my eyes as he left . I drove away not long afterwards . I stopped at a gas station and bought plenty of liquids to rehydrate myself with and plenty of carbs to help settle my stomach . I had a difficult time driving home without falling asleep . I couldn 't tell if it was boredom , the hangover , or if I was truly tired because we went to bed quite late last night . For whatever reason it was , I struggled to stay awake . I was also itchy around my neck , but I just figured it was the sunburn I got a few weeks ago healing . I stopped at Rachel 's apartment first . She was having a potluck and really wanted me to come since our whole circle of friends would be there . I got there . It was apparent to them that I 'm really tired . I was surprised to find that a few people in my hiking circle of friends overlapped this circle of friends as well . I talked to them mostly about hiking and camping since they knew how I had spent this weekend . We discussed common friends . I probably ate more food than I should have , but I was so tired and hungry and thirsty . I started to get ready to leave early when Rachel told me that I looked happy . I told her I was incredibly tired . She said she saw that , but underneath the tired that I looked happy . I was grateful for that . I started driving home , but was fighting sleep so badly , that I called Kyle . We talked on speakerphone . I don 't remember what we talked about , just that I kept running out of things to say and that he wasn 't particularly talkative . Eventually I arrived home . I meant to go straight to sleep . However , I got distracted with my favorite tv show and ended up watching two episodes before bed . Then I went to sleep .

Marquis walked up the steps of the picturesque building . His identity was concealed under his mask . His knife was slipped under his costume . His mask resembled that of a plague doctor , but it still looked daunting and fitting . He walked through the open door , and ignored the man who tried to hand him a souvenir and a beige - colored brochure . Marquis was instantly blinded by a great and elegant chandelier on the ceiling . The room was tall and wide , and filled with conferring people . Many of them danced . He spotted the Royals right away . He advanced through the crowd , though it was a slow procession . At one point , one of the Royals stepped into the crowd to dance . While he scouted for a partner , Marquis approached the man from the side . Marquis jammed his knife into the Royal 's back and covered his mouth so he wouldn 't scream . He sat him in a chair , so it looked like he had passed out from consuming too much alcohol . Then he stepped away . Thank goodness there wasn 't a chaperone in the vicinity . A woman with a prominent corsage walked by . Marquis immediately identified her as a Royal . He stalked her until they were near another chair . He implied his first strategy , and laid her into a chair . He was dumbfounded by how ignorant and inattentive the crowd was . He watched as another Royal walked up the stairs and onto a patio . Marquis stepped up after him . As he gazed over the land , Marquis quietly approached him . As he thought that nothing could go wrong during the family ball , Marquis jammed his knife in the man 's back , pulled it out , and flipped him over the railing , where he descended to his death . However , as he did this , the man 's father , wearing a crocheted brocade fabric of clothing , walked up onto the balcony . His brow and his mustache furrowed at the sight of the masked man , who was clearly not his son . Marquis 's dark and diminished heart felt nothing . He continued with his contract . Marquis walked back down into a disaster . The bodies had been discovered , and Marquis still had to kill one more . As the crowd fled the building , he spotted her , in an elegant dress , fleeing with the rest of the throng . In the blink of an eye , he threw his knife into her back . Everyone screamed , but they did not note that Marquis was the murderer . While the crowd trampled each other to get out , Marquis took the knife and threw it in a garbage chute . He then ran down the steps . He saw his escape vehicle , which was a cargo wagon , just in case he needed to hide . Out of curiosity , he opened a crate . He found some sort of machine in the crate , but time was of the essence . So without questioning it , Marquis latched on the horses and rode away , completing his contract . I wake up from a deep nap . " Carmelita ! Los tacos y burritos estàn listos ! " my mom says , followed by a run to the table . I love burritos so much , especially when my mom puts in avocados . My mom is a great chef ; she is now working at a restaurant . Tonight is the night of the prom ! I am so thrilled because this is my first prom . All my life , I lived in Mexico , but two years ago , I moved to the US . Back in Mexico , we didn 't have proms ; we had fiestas . I am so excited to go to the prom in my beautiful beige dress that has rhinestones sprinkled across the bottom . The prom 's theme is masquerade ball , so in addition to my sparkly dress , I get to wear a gorgeous , black , lacy mask . My mom helped me with my hair and make - up , because I 'm not the best beauty guru . After I 've finished getting ready , I look in the mirror . I have to admit I actually look pretty picturesque . As I am admiring myself in the mirror , my mom calls me down . I carefully walk down the stairs , trying not step on my dress . At the bottom of the staircase , there I see David Pueblo . He is my date to the dance . David has actually been one of my best friends ever since I moved here , so we are sort of going as friends . Even though David and I are just going to the prom as friends , he still gives me a corsage . Before David drives me to prom , my mom has to take a picture ; I 'm so embarrassed when my mom takes pictures for her photo collage , so we go in front of the garage , and I put on a fake smile , then run to the car so my mom won 't embrace me again in front of David , who is now kind of my crush . Obviously , I haven 't told my mom because she would make a big deal out of it . Then we step into his car and drive off to prom . In the car , he puts on some crazy rock music that don 't really like . His musical selection is sort of giving me second thoughts about David , but it may just be my mind overreacting . As we are driving to prom , I notice that David is starting to grow a tiny , wispy mustache . I become so grossed out I feel nauseated , but I save it by opening the window for some fresh air . Now I have so many thoughts about David in my head , it is like there was a tornado swirling inside . This isn 't how he usually acts . Finally , we arrive to the prom . When we first enter the place , there is a huge chandelier that is sparkling . I don 't recognize anyone because of their masks . I don 't know what it is , but david is acting differently . His voice is a lot deeper , he has grown a mustache overnight , and I know David hates rock music . Yet , besides David , everything is perfect . I finally recognize a few friends ; Maria , Francesca , and Teresa ; and head over to them . We all dance and jump around crazily to the new pop songs while David is talking to another unfamiliar person wearing a sombrero . Perhaps the person is a chaperone because she isn 't dressed up like everyone else . From the way David 's eyes keep going on me , it seems like he is talking about me . Finally , David comes over to me and asks me to dance when a slow song comes . I don 't know if I really want to slow dance with David , but I can 't ruin our friendship , so I say yes . I start to dance really awkwardly ; he , on the other hand , is perfect . The last time I remember , David was terrible at dancing . " What happened to you David ? " I say , sounding a little nosier than I intend . Things are so suspicious now . " So , are you going to my spelling bee this Friday ? " I ask him this because David knows that I hate spelling , and I 'm not good at it at all . Wow ! I can 't believe this ; this may not be David . That , or he 's been overly sarcastic . I am so scared now . I have no idea who this creep is and why he is pretending to be David . I have no idea what to do , so I run like a machine and hide under a table . I try to camouflage myself with the tablecloth because if anyone were to see me , I would be super embarrassed . About two minutes later a person comes to me , lifting the edge of the tablecloth . It is the sombrero - wearing person that " David " was talking to earlier . I look a little closer , and the person is … my MOM ! I can 't believe this . " Oh , my gosh , Mom ! Why would I make a move on David ; he 's just my friend ! " I exclaim , still not telling my mom that I may have feelings for David . " WHAT ? ! I can 't believe this . I 'm so mad at you . Why would you do this ! ? " I 'm mortified and all of a sudden feeling dizzy . Everything feels like a mirage , but then I wake up . I hear my mom yell , " Carmelita ! Los tacos y burritos estàn listos ! " Then I realize that it has all been a dream , and now , this is the real night of prom . Ever since fifth grade , I 've been able to read people 's thoughts at will . As long as I could see the person , I could read his thoughts . I know this is invasive , but it can come in handy . For instance , if people want to bully me , I know that so I can just stay away from them . However , the way I thought changed after I met my best friend , Xavier . He 's the kind of guy that looks weak so you mess with him , but he is one scary dude . He 's especially scary to me because I can 't read his thoughts . Trust me , I 've tried , but it sounds like a dark cave , looks like nothing , and I can 't do anything about it . So whenever I try to figure out why I can 't read his thoughts , I always find myself thinking back to the first time I met him . It was two months after school had begun , and I was transferring to a new school after having moved for my dad 's work . When I was being introduced to the class , everyone was looking at me strangely , except for him . His chin - length red hair made him appear gentle . I ended up sitting directly in front of him . It turned out that we were a lot alike . We both played soccer and loved to write . I was thinking about reading his mind to see if he was up to anything , but he seemed so nice , and I didn 't want to be rude , so I didn 't do the whole thought - reading thing . It was the weekend , and I invited Xavier over for the first time . It was scorching hot out so we were sitting on my patio . I noticed he had a huge bruise on his neck , so I casually asked , " What happened to your neck ? " The next day , I followed Xavier back to his house . After the final school bell rang , I yelled , " I 'll see you tomorrow ! " to Xavier as he walked off waving . I waited a safe while before I ran after him . He headed into a nice apartment building , but he appeared scared to enter it . That 's when I finally realized what was going on . Xavier looked shocked to see me there , but he continued into the building . Before I knew it , he was gone . I was confused as to why he didn 't stay outside . As I was pondering , it began to rain , and I wished I had brought my rain poncho . The strange man was injecting Xavier with some sort of white liquid . Xavier was trying to fight , his eyes ready to kill . The man looked startled when I pounced on him . He pushed me away and threw Xavier across the room . I grabbed the mans coat and watched a brochure go flying . Quickly , I grasped it , using it to give the man a nasty paper cut . He held his face in agony as the stinging cut began to bleed . I took a moment to think about what he had said , and then I realized he must have a power , too . " So , what can you do ? " I asked with a smirk . I know this is going to sound crazy , but I woke up this morning face down in a pile of sand . I was in the middle of the desert with a parachute tied to my back . I wiped the sand from my eyes and tried to figure out if I was seeing a mirage or not . The sounds of a fiesta were surrounding me . I focused on a strange sight . An armadillo was in front of me wearing a sombrero and a poncho . I noticed he had a curly mustache when I saw him start to eat his taco . My body felt like I had been hit by a tornado . Really confused , I swatted a mosquito . Where was I ? How did I get here ? Did I really just see what I thought I saw ? Looking for answers , I pulled something out of the back pocket of my camouflage cargo pants . A souvenir of some sort ? No ! It was a brochure on parachuting . Oh , that 's right . My big birthday surprise : jumping out of an airplane with three of my friends . But where were they ? And was today still my birthday ? I hoped I would soon find the answers to these questions and more . I see Cleveland Hopkins International Airport as our airplane swoops down onto the runway . I can see the NASA Glenn Hangar in the distance . My family and I are stopping for a three - hour layover in Cleveland on our way to New York City for vacation . I take my ear buds out of my ears and slip my phone back into my pocket . I grab my backpack from the overhead compartment , and start walking out . The flight attendants wave as I step out of the plane . I go through the ramp leading to the actual airport , and suddenly see a sign saying Welcome to Cleveland , Ohio ! and try to jump and touch it . I 'm too short . " Okay , family meeting . We 'll be here for a while , so I 'm going to put us in pairs and give each pair twenty dollars . We 'll meet back here in two and a half hours , so we 'll have more than enough time to board our next flight . " he started listing who is with who . I got paired with my cool older sister , Bea . My dad continues , " Jimmi , " he points at me , " think of Bea as a chaperone , since she is older . " " Okay … " I glumly respond . I don 't like being treated like a baby . We all part ways , and I instantly tune Bea out when she starts chattering . The only words I catch are pumpkin and charade . She talks some about how she wants her boyfriend to give a corsage at their prom . I perk up and listen when she starts talking about food . " … So , I was thinking . In the main terminal food court , there is a restaurant called Currito where we could get some good food . What do you think ? " " Okay ! " I agree . I can hear my stomach rumbling . It turns out , we have to walk about half of the airport to get there . As soon as I smell the food , I feel as if I am in heaven . Fifteen minutes later , Bea and I are sitting at a booth , and happily eating . Bea has ordered an avocado burrito and I 've ordered a taco . The food court has a high ceiling , and there are modern chandelier - type things that hang down . They are quite picturesque , and I find myself staring at them . They are so beautiful , a masquerade of colors . I ponder how we think of airplanes as common things , but really , they are flying machines . Amazing ! Suddenly , Bea breaks the silence . " Wow , our plane is going to board soon . We better get going ! " she says , glancing at her watch . We quickly get to our new terminal and meet up with our family . We board the plane , and I somehow score the window seat . Yes ! We take off , and my ears pop as we change altitudes . I see the airport grow smaller and smaller , and I put in my ear buds . Music envelops me , and I close my eyes , letting the plane carry me away . Right then , I started thinking about all the places I would rather be than talking to my mother about something that was , " absolutely my fault . " I would definitely want to be at a friends house … Maybe doing homework ? Eww , never mind . Uhhh , cleaning my room … ( I hope this shows you how desperate I am ) . How ' bout in a tornado with only a poncho ! ( Okay , that might be a bit extreme , but you get the point ) . " What ? " I exclaimed jumping up and uncrossing my arms , anger like a wildfire in my eyes . I thought she would at least ease into my punishment , but just like my opinion about the accident 's cause , she didn 't care about my feelings - or my life . " But , but you can 't do that ! " I sputtered , " I get how it was my fault with the chandelier , I shouldn 't have been playing basketball in the house , and even with the crochet game , though I still think it was partly the armadillo 's fault … but this just isn 't fair ! " I whined , balling my hands into fists and clenching my jaw . After a long day of hard labor , the party was over , and I saw my family again . My sister had a present behind her back that she was failing to hide . Noticing the envious look in my eyes , she came up tentatively . Oh man ! It 's my final spelling story ! I better get started . Should I write a story about a chef at a fiesta making tacos ? Naw , that 's too boring . Wait , I just heard something outside , but I think it 's the sound of a branch scratching against my house . I keep thinking about different story ideas . Maybe I should write about a masquerade . I think that might not have a lot of action . I hear the noise outside grow louder . I go to look outside , and I see a huge tornado ! I see it tearing through the town . I see some type of machine flying in it and a souvenir shop . " What the heck ? " I say I dash outside of my house and start running away . While I am running , a burrito flies right into my face . I wipe it off as I continue running . All of a sudden , a plane picks me up and takes me away . I try to escape . Inside the airplane , I notice a door between the cockpit and the back of the plane . Then I see a parachute in the back . I put it on , and I jump ! I fly down to the ground . Hmmm , I think to myself . This will make a good last spelling story ! Hope I get a good grade , I think . I walk outside onto my patio and look up . " Oh , no , " I say . " But , Mom , the brochure says the ride is this way ! " Piotr said . Piotr wished that his mom would listen , but she wouldn 't . Piotr didn 't want to let his friends down on their last day with him . Piotr was moving to North Carolina , but he didn 't want to . He was going to miss his friends and he was going to miss his old home . " No , we 're are going home it 's almost closing time anyways ! " Piotr 's mom said . Piotr suddenly ran off past the collage of different stands . Piotr ran out of the parking lot and all the way back home . He dashed into his room and slammed the door . Piotr cried in his bed until a vase above his bed on a shelf tipped over and slammed down onto Piotr 's head . Piotr did not feel anything until he looked to notice what happened and from opening his eyes he noticed something that frightened him . His body was encased in an organic steel ! Piotr started screaming . Soon a man in a wheelchair standing behind what seemed to be a big , blue , hairy beast took Piotr by the head and shoved him into a bag . Piotr woke up on a patio outside a building that looked like a school . Piotr swiped a mosquito off his shoulder then asked the man in the wheelchair a question . " I saw this one person who could control a tornado and this other person who could turn into animals , he turned into an armadillo , " Piotr said . Xavier took him through the whole school . To the classes , the gym , the hanger , the kitchen , the main lobby , the dorms , and everything else . " She goes to this school , here i 'll show you to her , come on , " Xavier said . Piotr was extremely excited . After so long he is finally going to see his sister again . " PIOTR , IS THAT YOU ! " Magik shouted . The two hugged and kissed and we 're so happy to see each other . They we 're so happy that it looked like they had there own little fiesta on a plane and forgot to pack a parachute . Their rejoicing went on for a long time - longer than it takes to eat a cake . I entered the room and gasped . I had been invited to a fiesta , a fancy and elegant fiesta . Chandeliers dangled from the ceiling , and bright polychromatic hues dotted the walls . The fiesta was also a masquerade , and my mask was pearly blue and silky white . Tables were filled with salsa , chips , burritos , and sliced avocado . The host of the party walked over to me and pinned a corsage to my dress . At a short distance , I saw my friend Sarah in the swarm of masked faces . Together , we pranced over to the carousel outside . I selected a shimmery , smooth , brightly colored figure . Sarah and I rode again , and this time , I chose to ride a bumpy armadillo . I took a picture of it as a souvenir . Sarah and I had a great time at the fiesta . We danced on the shiny tile floor . We ate the spicy Mexican food , we jumped on the trampoline , and we joined in the egg hunt . At the end of the celebration , we each were given an itchy , stringy , beige - colored sombrero . The night sky is polluted from gunshots and cannons . Cargo is everywhere , taking up space in all the garages . Everyone is helpless , everyone is scared about the results of what is going to happen next . I lie awake in bed thinking of how long this war will last and if anyone is going to survive . Finally , it happens …… I get up from the brush of debris covering my body and stare at everything around me . Everything has gone ; everything is dead . All of our ponchos and other materials and supplies that we once had have been demolished . The patio is completely destroyed . The painful silence in my ears starts to ring and I can hear every heartbeat pumping blood through my veins , a steady pounding in my ears . My body leads me to walk around , witnessing all of the broken house , the broken windows , and finally , my broken village . I see all of our souvenirs , the ones from the day on the carousel , lying on the ground . Everywhere I can see chandelier glass , as though it is a party decoration , prisms shining light in every direction , and within a piece of that glass , I can see the remains of someone 's burritos . I see all of the dead people , camouflaged by the debris , lying there on the broken streets of France , some bodies with their parachutes still attached to them . On my way to Chipotle , I went to a porta - potty ; yes , I , Gordon , the armadillo , in my beautiful sombrero and fake mustache , was sitting in a Honey Hut when it happened . As luck would have it , my chaperone , with her wilted corsage , wasn 't there . Then , that horrible , awful , no good , very bad government experiment started . It blew me off the ground and straight into space . For some strange reason , I could breathe in the porta - potty . Since I was rather hungry , I looked around the place , in search of food . Then I flipped up the porta - potty seat , and there was a burrito . That was an especially interesting discovery because porta - potties are known for their special stench , with plenty of unpleasant air . In space , I saw a taco stand advertising a free fiesta where salsa would be served . I LOVE SALSA ! Obviously , I stopped , and what did I order ? An avocado with chips ( make your own guacamole ) ; duh . Anyway , after I partied , I ate a taco and got a souvenir - a refrigerator magnet , which did not work because I had no fridge . Then I saw a carousel with alien horses on it , so I stopped . Who wouldn 't ? I continued on into space , only now I started to notice NASA machines . That 's when I saw it : the fuel gauge on the potty had dropped to 0 . I thought fast . Then I had an inspiration : get rid of excess cargo ; I plunged it down the chute . Soon the chute turned beige . I thought with disgust , " Ugh , " as I sprayed Windex on the chute . THUD ! I landed back on Earth . Alas , my flush plan didn 't work . Next time , I 'll choose a different genre of adventure , not have it chosen for me . I 'll also go to Mi Pueblo instead of Chipotle . The chefs and food are better . Memories My friend Jasmine , Riley , and I were in Mexico singing for a teenage girl 's birthday fiesta . We set up our microphones on the girl 's patio and started to sing . We sang songs of many different genres . All the birthday guests loved us and applauded after each song . The backyard was a bit messy because of a tornado that had passed by a week ago , but luckily nobody had been injured . It was late after the fiesta when we realized we didn 't have a hotel . It started to rain , so we grabbed our suitcases and took out our rain ponchos . We had been walking for about an hour when we stumbled upon a gas station . We went in and grabbed a brochure and looked for the nearest hotel . We bought a few small snacks and began our three mile walk to the nearest hotel . On the way there , we spotted a menagerie , a smaller zoo , which had a mascot that was a very cute baby armadillo . We passed the menagerie and saw the hotel , right next door . We walked in , got two rooms : one for me and Jasmine , and one for Riley . Each hotel room had two beds . We unpacked a bit ; then we slept . Riley woke up first and jogged to the gas station to get breakfast . He came back with frozen pancakes , sausage , and orange juice . We heated them up in the hotel room microwave and then ate . I took out the brochure from the night before and named off three of the things I thought would be fun to do . " The circus ! " they both said at the same time . We had a taxi drive us there , mainly because my and Jasmine 's feet hurt . The driver drove up to the parking lot and stopped the car . We got out , handed him the tip , and he drove off . " He had a funny looking mustache ! " said Riley as the taxi drove away . As we were walking into the circus area , I saw a carousel . I LOVED carousels . We went on it two or three times , decided to skip the clown show , and then played games in a couple of the booths . I throw on my poncho hunched over in the rain , I walk and walk . I turn the one souvenir I have from my mothers death , a golden amulet symbolizing good health , something she was wearing when she died . I walk past a carousel , the twinkling lights bringing me no happiness . I feel like a mosquito is tugging at my heart , sucking all happiness away . I sit on a patio for minutes and then keep on walking . The lights of a fiesta are up ahead , and I turn . I see a Mi Pueblo up ahead , but I don 't feel like tacos or burritos . Then I see an armadillo up ahead , his thick skin an armor protecting him from rain . The stars are as twinkly as a bright chandelier . I see a beige building , so empty and uncolorful . As I turn to walk home , the rain lets it final drop fall . The stars become brighter and so does my mood . Suddenly I do feel a bit like partying . Macie paced back and forth across her room , trying to figure out which country to pick . Her birthday was coming up and she wanted to have a theme of a country . She was stuck between France and Mexico . Macie dreamed about visiting both countries , but had never picked a favorite . Macie could just see it , a fiesta . Everyone would be wearing a sombrero , stuffed armadillos all over . She would serve burritos and mash up some avocados to make guacamole . Macie could even have a piñata and give out candy for a party souvenir . She could visualize all of her friends having fun at this party . Macie also thought about France . There could be masquerade ball , all the girls in beautiful gowns with corsages , boys dressed in tuxedos . There would be a chandelier hanging from the ceiling and wonderful music , croissants and other pastries , and everyone having fun and dancing . This party would definitely be the more mature choice . No more playing charades at a slumber party . One day , I was on my way to San Antonio , Texas to visit my mom 's family . We were going to a fiesta , which is an event marked by festivities or celebration for my heritage . When my mom , Shari , and I were driving , we saw that it had started raining and that 's why we brought ponchos . Later on , the rain became harder and harder . My grandma announced that her house was just twenty minutes away . We brought all the food and presents to give to them to her house for our celebration . Bringing presents to a fiesta is a tradition in our family . When we arrived to the celebration , a storm came so everyone put on a poncho because they knew it was going to start to rain because we had all watched the news . My mom and I were wearing camouflage ponchos , which was really awesome because we were blending in with the trees and other things . My grandma gave me a souvenir just in case the fiesta was canceled because of the storm , and the worst part was the fiesta was going to be outside . So she gave me a very fragile and old necklace that her grandma had given her , and I was so excited to put it on . A little later , we went in the house and started eating all of my favorite foods like tacos arabes , tamales , enchiladas , tacos al pastor , barbacoa , carne asada , chalupa , chorizo , empanadas , huevos rancheros , lengua , and quesadillas . After I was done eating , I looked outside , and there was a gigantic tornado , and the house started to shake so everyone went out to the patio to look . After that , we went to the basement so we were safe . When I sat down , I felt something under me so I got up . It was a mustache with blood on it . I screamed and slipped and everyone started laughing . My grandma said it was a fake , and it was just to scare people . It sure did freak me out . So then I sat next to my mom and held her very tightly . Thirty minutes later , I noticed that I had accidently given her a bruise on her arm from holding on so tightly . So after all that , my mom and I said good bye to everyone , and we went to a hotel to get some sleep before we went home . On our way to the hotel , I saw an armadillo crossing the road and I cried , " Mom watch out ! " So then we got into a car accident . We were fine , but the armadillo wasn 't . Then we went to the hotel and went to sleep and I had dreadful dreams , but in the morning , I felt much better on our way home . When I fell asleep in the car , I felt something bite me , and , of course , it was a mosquito . Luckily , when we got home , everything went back to normal . Miss Elizabeth Ann Smith was my mistress , a bratty , spoiled little girl who had the brains of a cow , and I had the unfortunate pleasure of being her chaperone to parties , dances , teas , play dates , shopping outings , etc . I was also honored with being her personal maid . She was an absolute horror . She threw tantrums ; screaming , kicking , biting , the whole routine . Miss Elizabeth had four maids fired because they didn 't fluff the pillows enough , and they left a speck of dust on her new gown . Oh , my , you don 't know how badly I wanted to wash her mouth out with soap for that ! But whoowee , did I get my revenge on her ! It was Miss Elizabeth 's thirteenth birthday , and her parents were planning a big celebration . There were maids polishing the huge crystal chandelier , cooks preparing the birthday breakfast , lunch , and dinner , and the seamstresses were busy putting the finishing touches to the birthday girl 's birthday gown . Everyone at the Smith mansion was in a bustle getting ready for the big day . Then , things started to get out of hand . With a crazed look on her face , Elizabeth picked up the box of needles and threw them at the seamstress . Scratches appeared on her face , and she was fired , just like that . I knew it would be a charade of a thing to do , but I dared to say , " Most humbly , Miss , but don 't you think that was a bit of an extreme thing to do ? " I knew that Mr . Smith got something very special for his princess on the day of her birth , and that this time is was a rich , navy - colored sombrero with realsilver threading . Sapphires and opals adorned the rim , creating a real gem of a hat . I had the perfect idea . I carefully crept outside , into the mercy of the sweltering heat . Waves of mirages sparkled on the road , imitating a lovely sea , but I walked past until I came to a thriving patch of poisonous ivy . Nothing had ever looked so welcoming . Cautiously , and with the aid of a hanky , I removed some leaves , returned to the mansion , and rubbed them along the inside of the sombrero . I also left a second surprise for Princess Godzilla . On the grand stairway , where she would make her entrance , I smeared avocados everywhere , ensuring a slippery ride down on her royal tooshie . Now , Miss Elizabeth 's usual birthday regime , as she liked to call it , was to dine , then socialize and dance , and then finally open her gifts . But , when she made her " grand " entrance , I felt deeply satisfied ; it had played out exactly as I had envisioned , but then she acted like nothing had happened , no tantrum , no nothing . Humph ! I felt like everything was going ten times slower , and it was agonizingly painful to wait until the time came for presents . When it was finally time , I could barely conceal my huge grin . There were presents big and small , wrapped , rolled up like a burrito , and bagged . As she reached for her bedecked sombrero , I leaned forward subconsciously . Then , she placed it on her head . At first , nothing happened , and then , " ARGGGGG ! " She ripped it off her head and ran screaming , and itching , out of the room . Let 's just say that I got what I wanted , and she had paid her debt . In the end , I did get fired , but how she found out it was me , I shall never know . Elizabeth is like an armadillo , hard on the outside , but she had a soft under belly . I 'm just glad I won 't be there when she gets married , because then , she 'll be bridezilla ! My ears had adapted to hearing the painful voice of the doctor saying , " We did everything we could … " Those few words struck me as though a tornado had crashed throughout my whole body . I had learned how to cope with such devastating news once before … but this unbearable news was too big for a mere a nine - year - old . I clenched my fists into my pajama pants as an awkward silence filled the room . I heard only the sound of a humming noise coming from my older brother Drew 's i - Pod and the heavy thumping of his slipper punching the floor to the beat of his music . I couldn 't bear sitting there while my mother was dying , and other relatives were in the room , including my dad , surrounding her with prayers . I was her daughter ; I should be the one by her side embracing her hand . I should be in that room with my mom . Other relatives hovered from one side of the waiting area to the other , stuttering curse words under their breath . They were shaking their fists into the air with streams of tears trickling down their faces , screaming , " Why … . why ? " in their heads . Then there was me , mutely staring at the floor , counting the diagonal lines , 34 … 35 … 36 … until that same harsh voice that vocalized those deplorable words announced , " Adult relatives of Cameron Collins , you may now come and say your last good - byes . " I froze as those icy words ricocheted off the doctor 's tongue . For the first time since I was urgently shuffled into the car to go to the hospital , I looked up . Dr . Edwards , who was holding a clipboard , gazed at me for at least a minute , and then rapidly blinked his eyes to control his tears as he turned to leave the room . Confusion flooded my face because Dr . Edwards and I had met before when my dear sister , at the age of five , died of a brain tumor . I knew that he was the same doctor because I remembered his hideous mustache . As I stared into Dr . Edward 's bloodshot eyes , I could see that he was trying to remember how he knew me . It was as if I was a vague memory in his brain , like he was trying to recognize an image in an old picture camouflaged in dust . I returned to hibernating with my head down and finished counting the diagonal streaks . I saw a sign that read , Hospital souvenirs , and I thought to myself , the last thing I would want is a momentum of this horrid experience . I felt paralyzed as I stood in the hospital hallway , and I started to notice all the sounds around me . From all angles , several mosquitos flittered around my head . Thump , thump was the sound of Drew 's foot still pounding to the beat of his music . I couldn 't believe him ; our own mother was dying of cancer , which she had tried so very hard to prevent by running and eating healthily . Breast cancer is a disease that cannot always be prevented . I guess my mom learned that the hard way . After ten hours of waiting in agony at the hospital , my courageous mother lost her battle against breast cancer , but she did not lose her dignity . At last , my mom was at rest and no longer suffering . The suffering was now left to our grieving family . A week later with my head and shoulders still hunched over , my eyes fixated on an inspiring collage that I had made in the first grade . It was a collage of my mom and me . My father tried to make me feel better but all that I could do now was cover myself in my armadillo - skin blanket . It covered me like a poncho and allowed me to hide from the rain . In this case , the rain was the sun , peeling its way through my curtain and streaming a beam of light onto my blanket . My life would never … ever be the same again ! The mouse of my computer wavered around the screen . I typed in the word cancer , and then the word code , hoping there was an answer on how to overcome breast cancer . I hesitantly pressed the " enter " key . A sphere circled around and around as it was loading . The circles reminded me of a carousel turning round and round until the words appeared on my screen reading , " your search , cancer code did not match any documents . " My body was in a state of confusion … what was I expecting ? What did I think was going to pop up ? I guess this search was a code that I am going to have to figure out for myself . A month later , brochures were at every corner of the town , reading Cancer Code . We would figure out that code for overcoming cancer together . I had made a difference . For the first time in my whole life , I Nia Paige Collins , had made a difference that maybe would help a child like me who had suffered the loss of a parent to cancer . We would fight till that code was broken ! This whole adventure felt as though I was parachuting out of a plane - scared of jumping , but thrilled to land ! I traded doubt for hope … and with hope we would break the cancer code ! I finished packing for my trip to France and Spain . This would be an exciting trip for me because I was going to parachute into France . I waited on my patio for the shuttle to the airport and thought about my trip . The airport shuttle was actually on time so I locked the doors to the house and helped the driver load my luggage onto the shuttle . I arrived at the airport in record time , got through security , and boarded my plane to begin my thrilling adventure . We were about thirty thousand feet in the air when it was time for me to jump . I was nervous and excited at the same time . I grabbed my parachute , counted to three , and then jumped . I flew though the air like a bullet and yanked the pin . My parachute was a menagerie of colors when it opened , and it caught my fall as I landed . I was in France ! I got a ride to my hotel , which was unreal ! The hotel had a video game arcade and three pools with a view of the Eiffel Tower . I picked up a brochure to read some more about things to do in Paris . I was tired from the trip so I went to my room and plopped into bed . I woke up the next morning with a little tickle on my arm , and I realized that there was a mosquito feasting on me ! I flicked it off and prepared to go sightseeing . I went on some tours , and I took pictures of what I saw so that I could make a collage out of them when I returned home . I went to a gift shop to buy a souvenir and decided on a miniature model of the Eiffel Tower and some postcards . I had dinner at a really nice restaurant in Paris , and I wished that I could stay one more day , but I was leaving for Spain in the morning . The next day I checked out of my hotel , said goodbye to France , and boarded the train to Spain . I sat next to a nice man with a big black mustache who spoke English so we had a good time joking around during the trip . While I was on the train , I took the time to browse the iTunes store on my phone and pick out some new songs from my favorite music genre , which is rock - pop . When I arrived in Madrid , they were having a fiesta with a masquerade parade ! Everywhere I looked , I saw people wearing miraculous costumes as far as the eye could see . People were dressed up in Spanish costumes , and one group was dressed in armadillo costumes . The Spanish military marched in the parade in their camouflage uniforms . I did not have a costume , but I had a colorful poncho so I put on my poncho and joined the party . As I walked in the parade to my hotel , I could hear a faint sound like a large wind swelling in the distance . The sky was getting dark , and it looked like a storm was coming . I figured that I better get to my hotel . The hotel was amazing , and it had a carousel in the middle of the lobby ! I checked into my room and took a short rest before I left to go sightseeing in Madrid . The fiesta was still going on when I walked out of the hotel so I had a hard time getting across the street . I visited the palace and a museum , and I ate some really good Spanish food . The weather continued to get worse with the rain and a really strong wind , and the streets were deserted at the end of the day . I went back to my hotel and one of the hotel workers seemed really upset . She came up to me and told me something in Spanish and pointed to some stairs . I did not understand her , but she kept saying , " tornada " in Spanish . Then a man who spoke English told me that there was a tornado warning and that we had to go to the basement of the hotel . We all scurried to the basement of the hotel , and I watched the tornado on T . V . I saw it touchdown and wreck some buildings on the other side of the city , but luckily we were all safe . A few hours passed and we were all let out of the basement . It was time for me to return home so I packed my bags and got back on my plane to California as I said goodbye to Spain . I think the most exciting part of my trip was experiencing a European Tornado ! Down in the sewers of Bowerstone Industrial , a group of wanted people have formed a guild down in the sewers . They are known as the Fallen . They reside in the sewers because they must hide from the guards and the tyrant , Mark , the captain of the guards . If he catches someone from the Fallen , he will shoot them on sight ! Paige , the leader of the group is having trouble with Reaver , another tyrant , but not as bad as Mark . Reaver owns a mansion near the lake of Gurr in Millfields . Tonight will be his Masquerade party . Paige wants to learn more about Reaver so she needs to get into that party , but she can 't go alone . Most of her men aren 't strong enough to face Reaver , so she needs someone with better skill . She knows exactly who to get : Rexor , the assassin of the city . Paige is a good friend of Rexor , so she needs to persuade him to go with her . Alas , as Paige headed to his hideout , she was caught by someone familiar : Mark . " You there ! I know you ; you 're the leader of the Fallen ! I will strangle you right here and NOW ! " screamed Mark as he hurled himself at Paige . Since she was surprised , she didn 't have time to unsheathe her sword . As Mark was about to attack Paige , and the loud slash was heard , she was surprised by who was struck . Mark had a giant cut through his stomach . He plopped to the ground and in front of Paige was the assassin . " I knew , because I was planning on going to that party as well , and it sounds like something you 'll be doing too , " said Rexor . " We should get going ; we wouldn 't want to be late ! " Paige nodded , and they began to walk in the direction of Millfields . They arrived at the Mansion at sundown , thinking they were late . They were correct ! As they walked through the giant doors of the mansion , a man walked towards them . " Hewwo , gents ! My name is Gibson , Mr . Weaber 's butler . I am sowwy to say that you guys are pwetty wate for our fiesta ! But that is aww okay because we still have some burritos and other delicious foods , and if wour lucky , some pop ! Now , just to make suwe , what is the code ? " asked Gibson as Paige and Rexor looked confused . Gibson gave out a loud laugh and said , " Oh deawy , I was just playing you ! Ha ha ! Now fowwow me into the main chamber ; we got to see Mr . Weaber ! " exclaimed Gibson as they walked towards the main chamber . They looked around to see the masqueraders in large sombreros with squished avocado in there hands . When they entered into the room , Reaver was in front of them , but located higher than they were . He resided on a balcony , looking down at them . " Aha - ha ! Hmm , you guys are terribly late ! For that , you have a penalty ! Hmm - ha ha , you guys have to be a chaperone to my fabulous arena built right in this mansion ! GA HA HA ! Now then , let us spin the wheel and see what you will have to fight ! " laughed Reaver as he hit the lever with a stave in his hand . " Ha ha , it 's a little too late for that ! The wheel has already started spinning . Ga ha ha , too late , too late ! " said Reaver with his idiotic laughs . The wheel stopped , determining that they must fight bandits . A gate door beside them opened , and the bandits ran into the room . " You take left ; I 've got right , " demanded Rexor as Paige nodded . The bandits were hardly a match for them . Since bandits were from the pinewoods and mines , they were dumb and weak and easily defeated . With the round over , they left the room as Reaver said , " Poor men , I found them in them wandering Millfields forests . You seemed to make their lives miserable , " joked Reaver as the two got into the main chamber . He hit the lever and the wheel started to spin again . The pointer landed on ghastly creatures . Wolves . Although they may look viscious , they are very weak … if you have a sword or gun . Fists maybe ? Well , anyway , the two walked into the next murky chamber . The room smelled of mold , and fog covered a swampy level . As the round began , piercing howls were heard . The wolves jumped out of their dens and began to attack . Rexor was a very fast person ; Paige wasn 't . Even though the wolves were weak , they were very fast . Rexor pounded the wolves into the ground . He heard a scream and turned to see what it was . Paige was pinned down onto the floor , a wolf trying to bite her . Rexor ran towards her and slashed the wolf in half . Once again , he saved her life . One last wolf was standing , and after seeing its comrades pummeled , it fled . Rexor and Paige didn 't do anything about it , but then they heard a loud gunshot . Reaver had shot the poor creature . " A what ? Why , just why did I have to kill your opponent , hm hmm ? Well that gives , what , a new penalty ? ! " roared Reaver as Paige started clenching her fists . " Enough of this charade , Reaver ! I 'm not going to be a victim to your dumb arena ! All I want is your head ! " screamed Paige as she whipped out her pistol and shot at Reaver . Reaver , deflected the bullet with his little stave that he had . " WHAT ? ! " " A hm - hm ha . Do you really think that 's necessary ? Ha ha ha , HAA HAH HA HA ! " laughed Reaver as he to pulled out his pistol and shot . Paige was shot right in the stomach . " Guh ! You , you 're a real tyrant … I hope you will never see the light again ! Your darkness , * huff huff * it builds up more hatred . I will be alive for your gruesome DEMISE ! " roared Paige as she was shot again . She let another grunt and fell to the floor . Rexor , for being an assassin , didn 't handle this straight . " Ha ha , your friend finally shut up ! I will give you a souvenir for fighting in the arena . Meet me in the main chamber , whelp , " said Reaver as he walked off to the main balcony . Rexor looked down at Paige 's bloodied body . " I 'll come back for you , or you will meet me in another life … no . I will get you back , don 't worry ! " exclaimed Rexor as he ran into the main chamber . " NO ! I will not attend your arena anymore ! I am not going into another one of those rooms ! " roared Rexor as Reaver smiled and gave out a chuckle . " Uh huh ha . No … you don 't have to go into another room . This … is … the room ! " exclaimed Reaver . Rexor unsheathed his sword , getting ready for the dangers that he would face . " What ? ! Balverines , those dang creatures . Ha , you 're ' pets ' will not have an effect on me ! " yelled Rexor as he ran towards the balverines . He slashed at the first balverine as it hurled backwards and dodged his attack . The balverines were very fast . Rexor managed to hit one , but it hardly had any effect since his sword was getting dull from the other battles . One hurled straight at him , then another . One was in front of him and one to his side . Rexor plopped his body onto the floor , and the balverines slashed . Two bodies fell from midair , for when they tried to attack Rexor , they attacked each other . With the balverines seeing what happened , they wouldn 't try to attempt that again . Rexor ran towards another balverine and stabbed straight through it . Two more left ; another made an attempt of running onto the wall . Rexor hurled his sword toward it . It slashed through its leg , the balverine 's howling leaving Rexor with hurt ears ! With the balverine stunned , Rexor picked up his sword and slashed at its back and then its face . One left . Rexor looked up and noticed it was right under a chandelier . He charged up his strength and jumped up high , slicing what was holding the chandelier , causing it to fall and shattering his sword . The chandelier hit the ground and crushed the balverine . Rexor fell onto the ground and lay there for a while . Reaver was surprised to see that his fellows were dead . " What ? A demon … no … demons are extremely rare and very hard to kill . No , I won 't do it . She … she means nothing to me . Kill her ; I don 't care . I … will not do you task ! " stated Rexor as Paige started crying . " Well , she means nothing to you ? Ah ha ha , very well , " said Reaver over the sound of Paige 's muffled scream . Rexor closed his eyes and heard the gunshot . A tear dropped from Rexor 's eye and he looked up . " Guh - agh . What … is … . th - th - THIS ? ! " coughed Reaver as blood dripped from his mouth . He dropped Paige and at that moment walked forward and fell off the balcony , and along with him was Paige . Rexor ran towards her and caught her . He looked behind him and saw Reaver 's dark body hit the floor . Rexor stared at Paige , and then she stabbed him . He let out a howl and said , " Heh - heh , yeah , you 're mad at me ? … I thought you were dead , though , and who killed Reaver ? " asked Rexor as Paige slapped him . " So , you know the healing spell as well ? Hmph , that 's what I used on myself , " said Paige as a figure dropped down from the balcony . It was a figure Rexor knew : his brother , Thaurissian . " Same thing you are . I was going to kill Reaver , and I did ! You on the other hand , almost let your friend here die ! " laughed Thaurissian as Paige got up and added , " We are not friends ! " With Reaver dead , his industry was shut down , and kids who had been forced to work , no longer had to do so . Bowerstone Industrial was no longer dreary and gross . With Paige still mad at Rexor , she shut down her guild as well and went to live with her parents . Rexor and Thaurissian were still assassins , at first roaming the forest , sneaking in the shadows . Who knew who they could kill , or what . With them working with each other , they soon decided to leave Bowerstone for a new residence in Driftwood . Reaver 's mansion was soon torn up and the two assassins changed their ways , killing only bad people . Perhaps their next mission would include the demise of Greaver , the Tyrant .

Drew 's alarm woke him at six AM ; way too early considering he 'd not gotten in until almost two . He 'd originally planned on leaving the club at eleven last night since he knew he had to work today , but after laying eyes on Lady Beth sleep was less of a priority . She 'd left at one thirty , so he had as well . The thought of leaving before her hadn 't been an option . Walking into his bathroom , he turned on the shower a little cooler than normal hoping it would wake him up faster . It did help . And as he woke up , and the fog from his brain lifted , he remembered the look on her face when he 'd offered to walk her to her car . It had been a mix of shock and panic . He 'd felt an immediate need to make it better , but was at a loss . She wasn 't his Mistress . They were just friends , or that 's what he was hoping for anyway . It wouldn 't be appropriate to touch her in any way without her permission at this point . He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair , turned off the water , and grabbed his towel . On a positive note , she 'd not sent him away . Friends was not what he wanted , but he could work with it . She 'd been hurt . He could understand that too . His last girlfriend hadn 't understood his needs as much as he 'd tried to explain them to her , and she 'd lashed out at him . That last fight they 'd had was the driving force behind his exploration into BDSM . He needed someone who understood what he needed , what he craved . Trying to fake it wasn 't working for him anymore . With five minutes to spare , Drew pulled up the station house . There were a few guys milling about , but everything looked pretty normal . " Parker ! " He turned , and looked up . Shawn Madison , his fellow lieutenant at station five , was leaning over the railing . " Morning , Madison , " Drew shouted back . Shawn pushed off the railing , standing to his full height again . " Captain wants to see us in his office . " It wasn 't unusual for Captain Franks to want to meet with both Shawn and Drew . Three were few times where one of them wasn 't on duty , and it was his way of keeping us up to date on whatever was happening in our city . What was unusual was that it was happening minutes after he walked in the door . Seven o ' clock in the morning was an odd time to have a meeting , especially when the captain didn 't usually get in until eight . As I headed upstairs to my meeting , I passed Johnson and Rodriguez , two of our EMTs . " Morning , Lieutenant , " Johnson said , pausing for a moment before they passed by me . It was moment too long apparently . " Get to work you two , " came the captain 's billowing voice from above . " Don 't you have some lives to save ? " Shaking my head , I bound up the remaining stairs and followed Captain Franks into his office . Once the door was closed firmly behind me , he took a seat behind his desk . He looked first at Shawn and then me . " I know you were off yesterday , Parker , so I 'll bring you up to speed . There was a five alarm fire yesterday at one of the abandoned warehouses on Crawford Street . " That got my attention . We didn 't have many five alarms in our neck of the woods . Two and three alarms were fairly common , but in my last eight years as a firefighter there 'd only been one other five alarm fire and it had claimed thirteen lives . That wasn 't an experience I ever wanted repeat . " Was anyone hurt ? " " No , thankfully . If there were any homeless inside , they got out before the fire took over . We were just lucky it didn 't spread to nearby buildings . " " Be that as it may , " Captain Franks said , " we have bigger problems at the moment . " He sighed and handed us each a folder . " I made copies for each of you . The fire marshal is almost positive this wasn 't an accident . " Both Shawn and I started flipping through our folders as he talked . " There 's clear evidence of accelerant usage in multiple locations . Someone wanted that building to burn and burn fast . " Drew was trying to read and listen at the same time . The pictures from the scene spoke volumes , however . You could see the burn patterns where the fire crawled up the wall rapidly . It was a fireman 's worst nightmare . " How 'd they get the report done so quickly ? " Shawn asked . " Usually it takes days to get this stuff back . " " That 's true . These are only preliminary reports , but from what they 've found it matches the specs from the four alarm across town last week . The Fire Marshall will need another day or two to confirm , but it looks like we man have a serial arsonist on our hands . " A screen door opening and out came Chloe . Chris turned around to meet her bright smile . " Uncle Chris ! " she squealed . He bent down and picked up the four - year - old and she hugged him . " And how are you today , Miss Chloe ? " She giggled . " We 're going to the football game to see Uncle Gage play . " Pre - order direct from TWCS  Posted by He sat there naked as the day he was born . She 'd left him here , sitting on this metal box , and he didn 't know why . When they 'd come here , it was supposed to be something fun for both of them . Now , he wasn 't so sure . He heard noises coming from the rooms around him that didn 't sound all that pleasant . Then again , he couldn 't see anything outside of this room given the lack of windows . Something rattled outside the door , drawing his attention . The door opened , and there she was ; beautiful , sexy , decked out in leather , and holding a riding crop . Posted by I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I 'll not be posting a Tuesday Tales post this week . My 4th novel , Need , is due with in the next couple of days and I have to concentrate on that right now . I 'll be back next week , however , so you can find out more about Drew and Lady Beth 's story . : ) Pushing that nagging voice away , she planted a quick kiss on his lips and then lay back down on the pillow , giving him what she hoped was a sultry smile . " If that 's the case , you 're wearing way too many clothes . " Chris belly laughed , quickly removing his shirt and unbuckling his jeans , pushing them down his legs . Then he threw them in the corner , leaving him only in his underwear . He was back on top of her . " Better ? " Elizabeth Marshall drove her red Honda Civic into the little town of Springfield , Ohio . The simple name was one of the things that attracted her . It wasn 't complicated , and that was exactly what she needed in her life right now : no complications . She wanted a fresh start , far away from all the memories of the city she 'd left behind . Away from the person everyone thought she was . A person she 'd really never been , before or after . At the age of twenty - seven , she would be reborn . Reborn into someone she could be proud of again . Someone who didn 't pretend to be something she wasn 't . Someone her parents could be proud of . Springfield was big enough to have all the basic necessities without any of the flashy extras you 'd find in larger cities . It was just over an hour away from the place she 'd called home for the last ten years . Far enough away that she didn 't think anyone here would recognize her , but near enough that she could visit her parents ' graves whenever she wanted . In some ways she was glad they couldn 't see her now . Yes , she missed them , but they 'd also missed the mess her life had become . She felt moisture pool in her eyes as she thought of them , and knew that if she didn 't redirect her thoughts soon she 'd be a bawling mess by the time she arrived at her destination . Her destination . As she wove through the side streets , she focused on her surroundings . Springfield felt like a completely different world . No longer would she have to attend cocktail parties or ladies ' teas . Her hair and make - up didn 't have to be perfect before going outside to retrieve the morning paper . Here she could just be herself . In her search for the perfect place to start this new chapter in her life , she 'd stumbled upon an old home that had been turned into apartments . When she 'd received the e - mail back from Mrs . Weaver , her new landlady , she knew this was the place for her . The three - story building had been around for over one hundred years , but it looked to be in good repair . She loved old buildings . It was one of the few things she 'd enjoyed about where she 'd called home for the past five years . In her new home , Mrs . Weaver occupied the bottom level , Elizabeth would be on the second floor . The third floor had an occupant as well , although she hadn 't thought to ask for details . With a few more turns , she found the road she was looking for and followed it , as the houses once again became farther and farther apart . There was a line of trees to her right and a soybean field on her left when a mailbox came into view . Sitting back off the road , she could see the large Victorian house tucked between two soybean fields , surrounded by a small grove of trees . Pulling her loose , button - down shirt tighter around her , she got out of the car and went to the trunk . There wasn 't much to retrieve , just two bags . That was all her life consisted of now . All she had chosen to bring with her . The rest of her old life was either in storage , or had been donated to Goodwill . She didn 't need reminders . She had enough of those all on her own . " It 's okay , I 've got it . They 're not that heavy . " You could also use the exercise , her inner voice chastised . The woman waved her concerns away and took the bag . " Nonsense . I may be old , but I 'm not completely useless . Not yet anyway . " Then , extending her hand , she introduced herself . " I 'm Janice Weaver , but you can call me Jan . Everybody does . " She took a quick survey of her surroundings , noting that the pictures online hadn 't done the place justice , and followed Jan into a foyer decorated in cream and soft blue . The ceiling towered high above her , creating an open and inviting space . She loved it already , and she wasn 't even in her apartment yet . " Over there is my apartment should you ever need anything , " Jan said , pointing to a door just to the right . Elizabeth nodded . " And you 're up here . " She continued up the stairs as Elizabeth followed , eager to see her new place . Elizabeth looked around , very pleased . While there was a certain modern flair to the place , it was like stepping back in time . The architecture was beautiful with a vast wooden arch separating her living room from her new kitchen . She 'd been so caught up she hadn 't even heard Jan approach . That hadn 't happened in a long time . She was usually overly aware of her surroundings . It just reaffirmed her decision . " I love it . " An hour later , Elizabeth stepped back to admire the small air mattress she 'd just blown up in the middle of her new bedroom . It was only big enough for one person , but it would do until she could get a bed delivered . She needed to pick up some sheets and blankets . Sleeping directly on the vinyl didn 't hold great appeal . Not even for one night . Elizabeth 's breathing quickened as her chest tightened , and she automatically huddled in on herself . The man 's voice changed in her mind . It wasn 't some stranger anymore ; it was Jared , her husband . She leaned her forehead against the wall next to the door , trying to push the memories away . He 's not here . He 's not here , she kept repeating to herself . Just she was starting to calm , the door only a few feet away was wrenched opened and then slammed shut . It didn 't take much to put together that the man must be her new neighbor or one of them at least . She hadn 't thought to question Jan about the third - floor residents and felt stupid for not asking more questions . It was too late now . She was here , and she wasn 't going to let something like a disagreeable man chase her out of her new home . She would deal with her neighbor even if he didn 't seem like a nice man . Maybe she could avoid him altogether . It wasn 't as if they really had to cross paths , right ? She 'd learn his schedule and then avoid him . That would work . This day had to be one of the worst of Christopher Daniels 's life . His assistant had just up and quit without notice , and then his foreman , Terry , had failed to order enough materials to finish the interior drywall for the house they were in the process of building . On top of all that , he 'd managed to run over a nail somewhere along the way and had to change a flat halfway home . Leaning back against the counter , he forced his mind to think of something else , anything else but work , and settled on the new neighbor Jan had told him about . She 'd said the woman seemed nice enough and had moved down from Columbus , but that was all Jan knew . He really wished she had gotten more information so he could have had his brother Paul run a background check or something . But that wasn 't Jan Weaver . She was a great woman , just too trusting . Chris had known Jan and her husband , Charles , since he was a kid . They 'd lived across the street from his parents until they 'd bought this house fifteen years ago . Fate had brought them together again when Chris 's short - lived marriage had come to an end right around the same time Charles 's health had taken a turn for the worse . In exchange for decreased rent , Chris helped out with minor repairs when needed . Living here was beneficial for both of them . It had happened years ago , but Jan never let him forget it . He 'd been living here only a few months when , on his way in , he 'd dropped some papers . Later that night he was getting ready to climb into bed with his usual mound of paperwork , when he 'd realized something was missing . Instead of putting his clothes back on , he decided to duck out into the hallway and check . Unfortunately , the papers were just out of reach and as he stretched to pick them up , he heard his door click shut , locking him out of his apartment . He 'd had to run down the stairs in nothing but his boxers to retrieve the spare key from Jan . It was embarrassing enough , but at least there hadn 't been anyone else living here at the time to add to his humiliation . That was three years ago . In that time he 'd separated himself from all distractions . All he had left was his work , Terry being the only one he 'd become friendly with , and his family , of which he considered Jan a part . By the time Elizabeth made it back , it was almost seven . It had taken her a lot longer to find everything she needed because she 'd had to go to three places before finally finding the bedding she was looking for . What she 'd found was perfect . It was mostly white , but with red and gray clovers all over it , a far cry from the browns and creams Jared had insisted upon . Thankfully , the rest of her trip had gone smoother . She 'd found a nice little restaurant and had dinner there . Then she went to the grocery store and filled her cart , anxious to get home , put everything away , and make her house feel like a home . With her arms full , she managed to get the front door to open and get the first load up the stairs . It was the first time Elizabeth was thankful for all those years Jared had made her go to the gym . No . She was having such a good day she would not let her thoughts wander down that path . Resolute , she marched back down the stairs and was just reaching for the doorknob when Jan came out . " Did you need some help , dear ? " She was almost knocked over when a large man came barreling through the door . He didn 't seem to notice Elizabeth at all , as he focused on Jan . " You can 't leave the front door unlocked like this . It just isn 't safe . " His voice was gruff , and she instantly recognized it as the one she 'd heard this afternoon . It was not as angry as it has been before , but still intimidating . She backed toward the stairs without thinking . It was then that he noticed her , appraising her from head to foot , and his scrutiny made her uncomfortable . Even though she was completely clothed , she felt the need to cover herself . He was huge , taller than Jared or her father . His hair was a dark brown , only a shade darker than his eyes , and he looked dangerous , more dangerous than her husband , and her frightened expression must have been apparent . She closed her eyes tight , willing everything to go away : her memories , her fear , this man before her . Jan said , " Chris , you have perfect timing . " She walked over to the man and placed her hand on his arm . " Elizabeth , " she said , motioning in her direction , " just went shopping and needs some help getting everything up to her apartment . You 'll be a good neighbor and help her now , won 't you ? " The man looked down at Jan with an expression she didn 't understand . Then he sighed , turned to her , and in that same gruff voice said , " Come on . Let 's get your stuff inside . I 've got work to do . " Before she could say anything , he was back out the door and halfway to her car . She looked over at Jan . " Go on , " she said . " He won 't bite . " Cautiously , she followed him outside where he was already unloading what was left and had most of it in his arms before she reached his side . " I . . . I 'm sorry . You don 't . . . have to help me , " she said , almost hoping he 'd drop everything and leave her alone . He stood , waiting , so she glanced in quickly . " Yes . That 's looks like everything , " she said , and he gave her a firm nod before marching back into the house . As soon as she stepped over the threshold , he brushed past her as if he owned the place and went straight to her kitchen . She stood stunned for a few seconds . How did he know her place so well ? Elizabeth fought with her nerves once again before following him . Of course , he knows the layout of your apartment , she told herself . He lives upstairs . It 's probably the same . That 's all . She watched his retreating back , not understanding what had happened . When he 'd touched her it had felt , well , odd . Not unpleasant , just strange . But he 'd acted like she 'd hurt him . His eyes had held a pain that she didn 't understand . It didn 't make any sense . She had no idea how long she stood there just looking at the closed door before making herself move . She put all of the groceries away and made her air mattress look as inviting as possible before deciding to go ahead and get ready for bed . It was early , but she had nothing else to do . She didn 't have a television and she had no friends here . Sinking down into her makeshift bed under her new sheets , she rolled over to watch the last of the sun fall below the horizon outside her bedroom window . She could see the tops of a few trees , but not much else . The view was so different from the view from her old bedroom window where she could see nothing much more than the house next door . One day was behind her . Tomorrow she would find some furniture and after that , look for a job . Even though she didn 't need one thanks to Jared 's careful planning and his life insurance settlement , but it was something she needed for herself . This would work - her new apartment , her new life . All she had to do was avoid her new neighbor and pray no one figured out who she was . She could do that . Flash Fiction Friday . What can you do with only 100 words ? She felt him before she saw him . Light was streaming in from beneath the closed door , but other than that the room was dark . She 'd tried to adjust her eyes , to get ready for what she knew was coming , but it was useless . This was his territory . She took a deep breath , waiting . Suddenly , his body pressed up against her back and his hand came up to cover her mouth . Even though she knew he 'd been there , that it 'd only been a matter of time , a silent scream died in her throat . " Did I keep you waiting long ? " he whispered . I 'm back this week again for another Tuesday Tales . If you missed last week 's post and the start of this ' tale ' , click here to see what you missed . Beth Davenport tried not to focus on all the eyes staring at her when she walked into the club . It had been three months since she 'd stepped foot here . She knew there would be stares and whispers . Her best friend and fellow Domme , Nicole , had warned her about the rumors floating around . They were surprisingly accurate as far as rumors go except no one knew how she 'd come to find out about Ben 's lies . Only Nicole knew the truth , and she wanted to keep it that way . Domme or not , finding out a large portion of the life you 'd been living for the last three years was a lie left Beth broken in a lot of ways . She wasn 't even sure why she was here tonight other than Nicole 's hounding over the last two weeks . Putting herself back out into the dating world was the last thing she wanted right now . The thought of trusting someone again wasn 't something she was ready for , but Nicole had convinced her that she needed to get out and mingle with her friends , people who shared her same interest . So here she was , sitting with Nicole and a group of their friends . Beth was the only Dominant in their group without a sub . It was slightly awkward , but she tried to ignore it and have a good time . Nicole was right , Beth had missed her friends , and she wasn 't going to let what Ben did tarnish that . " I think you have an admirer , " Nicole whispered in her ear , jarring her from her thoughts . " What ? " " That doesn 't change anything . I 'm not ready to get back into the dating pool again , " she said , shaking her head . " Well you don 't have to date him , you know , " she said teasingly . Nicole 's hand on her arm stopped her mid - sentence . " I don 't think he 's going to wait a month or so . He 's coming over . " " What do you mean he 's coming over ? Here ? " Nicole nodded , and turned back to their group , effectively leaving her to fend for herself . Beth took a deep breath and prepared for whatever this guy was going to try and sell her . But he surprised her . Instead of coming over and trying to sweet - talk her , he sat down a couple of feet away and said nothing . She decided to ignore him and turned back to focus on her friends ' conversation . Ignoring him turned out to be more difficult that she 'd originally thought . Although he didn 't attempt to engage her in conversation , she felt his presence beside her . Even with her eyes purposely averted , she knew he wasn 't a small man . She 'd seen enough to know he was tall and nicely proportioned . But no matter how much she inwardly acknowledged is presence , she outwardly ignored him . That was until she finished off her drink . As she was getting ready to stand and go get a refill , he moved first . " May I , ma ' am ? " Her eyes rose to look at him for the first time and she felt the moisture dry in her throat . Cute did not begin to describe the man sitting beside her . He was tall and lean , but she wouldn 't call him lanky with his broad shoulders and muscled arms . His hair was a light brown and he was clean shaven , but it was his eyes that drew her in ; they were the most amazing baby blue . " May I get you a refill on your drink , ma ' am ? " he asked again . " " The bartender knows , " she said , trying to get him away from her as quickly as possible before she did something stupid . Submissive males bought Femdoms drinks all the time at the club . It wasn 't unusual , but her stomach still did flip flops as she watched him walk away from her . He came back a few minutes later and handed her a small glass with half coke and half sprite . She rarely drank , and never at the club . Whenever she came here , she was either playing with Ben or she was alone where she 'd have to drive home . Either way , she didn 't drink . After taking the glass from him , she turned back to her friends . Nicole had a smirk on her face that Beth desperately wished she could wipe off . Maybe she could borrow one of the club 's floggers . Unfortunately , for the next hour , the man continued to sit beside her in silence as she chatted with her friends and was brought up to date on what was going on in their lives . He was making her uneasy . Every one of her nerve endings seemed to be aware of him . She didn 't like it . Finally , she couldn 't take it any longer and turned to face him . " What 's your name ? " she demanded . " Have you ever played with a Domme before ? " Why she was asking was beyond her . It wasn 't like she ever planned on playing with him . " No , ma ' am . " The image of him tied to a bench completely at her mercy flashed in her mind before she squashed it . No . She would not go down that path . If he wanted to be friends , she could try she supposed . But no seeing him outside of the club or at munches . This would have to be a lifestyle friendship only . If he had questions about the lifestyle or help in finding a Domme , she could maybe give him advice . That was it though . She wasn 't ready to get tangled up in another web of emotional attachment . Taking a deep breath , she held out her hand . " I 'm Lady Beth , " she said , formally introducing herself . I 'm hoping to be back next week for another installment of this story , but no promises . I 'm working under a deadline for my July release of the second book in my Finding Anna series , Need . It will depend on how far I am in that story next Monday if I get to post my Tuesday Tales next week . If you 'd like to check out some other stories , go to the Tuesday Tales blog for a preview and links . From the moment he saw her , he knew he was in trouble with a capital T . What she wore had him shifting uncomfortably in his seat the entire drive . What got him most of all was that the outfit was completely appropriate for work . Carol had been all about pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable , especially with the clothing she wore . Elizabeth was driving him crazy without having gone through much effort . So why am I ready to press her down into the seat and devour her ? As she turned the corner , her jaw dropped . She could not believe he 'd brought her here . What had he been thinking ? There were naked people . She felt him step up behind her , his arms tightly circling her waist . " What do you think ? " " Um … " Words failed her . The people in the pictures were intertwined highlighting the differences in their bodies whether that was size , color , or gender . It was … different . Last week I was invited to participate in a group called Tuesday Tales . Each participating member posts a story or part of a story to their blogs . The post can be as long or as sort as the person wants . It can be any genre , any ' heat level ' . The only catch is that the blogger must incorporate the ' prompt word ' for the week into their post . Each week it 's something different . The first 2 - 3 sentences are posted to the main blog site http : / / tuesdaytales1 . blogspot . com / with links to all the participating blog stories . If you see something you like , click on it ! I 've decided to experiment a little . I 'll be posting this story a little at a time depending on the weekly word prompt and the amount of time I have each week . This is going to be a BDSM story , and will eventually involve both sexual and psychological play . Here is part one . I hope you enjoy . Drew Parker had finally drummed up the nerve to come here by himself last month . The thought of him walking into a kink club period had made him anxious . The thought of going there alone terrified him . In the end , however , he 'd done it . He 'd made that leap into the unknown . The only comfort was that he 'd been to a few local munches and befriended another male submissive . John had a Mistress , Allison . She was nice , and had even offered to play with Drew at the club if he wanted . He just wasn 't sure he was ready for that step yet . Right now , he was content to watch . This was all so new to him . Tonight was a pretty typical night . The main room was scattered with people talking and sipping on drinks , most of which were nonalcoholic . Submissives were in various states of undress . Some were on leashes kneeling on the floor next to their Masters . Others were sitting beside or on top of their Master or Mistress 's laps . There was very little play that occurred in the main room . Occasionally a spanking would occur or some other light impact play , but anything other than that tended to take place upstairs . Drew had walked back there a few weeks ago to take a look around . He 'd seen most of the equipment before on - line and knew what it was used for . Some of it appealed to him . Some of it didn 't . Although he had the desire to submit to a Mistress , he wasn 't looking for just the physical . Maybe that sounded cheesy , but he 'd done the whole sex only thing in the vanilla world . There was physical gratification , yes , but he 'd never truly felt connected to a woman before . He knew part of that was his desire to give up control to his partner , but he was twenty - eight and at this point he wanted someone he could share more than just sex . He knew it was going to be an uphill battle . Male subs were utterly outnumbered when it came to female dominants . But as his friend John had reminded him multiple times , if he didn 't put himself out there , he 'd never find her . Drew watched as John sat at his Mistresses feet withShe rattled off something , but Drew 's attention had shifted to the door . He vaguely registered John leaving the area , but that was where his acknowledgement stopped . Standing just inside the door , removing a wrap from her shoulders to keep out the evening chill was one of the most beautiful women he 'd ever seen . She wasn 't tall , but the black heels she wore added a good three to four inches to her stature . Her long hair was pulled up into a high pony tail and looked almost black . The black corset and jeans she wore accented her curves to the point where Drew was afraid he may be drooling . The woman walked with confidence over to the bar and ordered a drink . She chatted with the bartender , and he seemed to know her even though Drew knew he 'd not seen her at the club since he 'd been coming . His eyes followed her as she walked to a booth across the room and sat down with another group of people similar to the one he was with . Suddenly John sat down next to him on the couch having returned with his Mistress 's drink . " I wouldn 't get your hopes up . " He lowered his voice so no one around us could hear what he was saying , although Drew doubted that John would tell him anything ninety percent of the club didn 't already know . One of the things he learned quickly was that word traveled fast in this small community , especially if it was something bad . " She used to come here with her sub all the time . They 'd been together for years from what I heard , before Mistress and I started getting involved in local events . Then , three months ago , they both suddenly stopped coming . They 'd been regulars at the club , at munches , play parties , and then … nothing . " " He traveled a lot for his business . Sometimes he was out of town for weeks at a time going to all sorts of places . Apparently , his trips weren 't business related , at least not completely . Lady Beth found out he had a wife and daughter in Florida , and they 'd been married for five years . " " I know . He and Lady Beth had been together for almost three years . He 'd lied to her all that time . " Drew 's gaze drifted back to Lady Beth . He couldn 't imagine what it would have been like for her . " I don 't know if she 's ready to dive back into a relationship , man , and I know that 's what you want . " It was true . Drew did want a relationship , but he was willing to work at it . One step at a time , right ? So the first thing he had to do was find a way to introduce himself . Posted by All this month , I 'll be giving you six sentences from my upcoming novel Behind Closed Doors . Paperbacks are available for pre - order now . Ebooks downloads will become available on release day , February 9th . Chris was trying very hard to keep his mind on what he was doing . What in the world had that woman been thinking opening the door looking like that ? Her hair looked like she 'd just taken a tumble between the sheets , and even though she 'd thrown a loose - fitting shirt over her yoga pants , it didn 't lessen the effect . She still drove him crazy . All he wanted to do was fix this drain of hers and get as far away from here as possible . He didn 't need this type of distraction , especially from his neighbor . TWCS Publishing House Her voice sounded like a purr to his ears . " Yes . Perfect , " he said , snapping a few more pictures . " Now slowly remove your jacket . The jacket slid down her arms , caressing her skin as it went , revealing the tiny straps of her dress and her pale skin . He was trying very hard to concentrate on what he was doing as the jacket released its finally hold on her arms and fell to the bare floor . " What 's next ? " she asked . A new year , and a new book for Six Sentence Sunday . Today 's six sentences come from my upcoming novel Behind Closed Doors due out February 9th , 2012 . She backed toward the stairs without thinking . It was then that he noticed her , appraising her from head to foot , and his scrutiny made her uncomfortable . Even though she was completely clothed , she felt the need to cover herself . He was huge , taller than Jared or her father . His hair was a dark brown , only a shade darker than his eyes , and he looked dangerous , more dangerous than her husband , and her frightened expression must have been apparent . She closed her eyes tight , willing everything to go away : her memories , her fear , this man before her . Elizabeth Marshall spent the last nine years doing all the things she was supposed to do . She went to a good college . Married a man with a promising future . Elizabeth even had a nice house in a respectable part of town . There was even the promise of 2 . 4 kids in her future . From the outside everything looked picture perfect . Christopher Daniels enjoys the simplicity of his bachelor life . After his divorce three years ago , he swore off women . He has no desire to change that philosophy .

Drew 's alarm woke him at six AM ; way too early considering he 'd not gotten in until almost two . He 'd originally planned on leaving the club at eleven last night since he knew he had to work today , but after laying eyes on Lady Beth sleep was less of a priority . She 'd left at one thirty , so he had as well . The thought of leaving before her hadn 't been an option . Walking into his bathroom , he turned on the shower a little cooler than normal hoping it would wake him up faster . It did help . And as he woke up , and the fog from his brain lifted , he remembered the look on her face when he 'd offered to walk her to her car . It had been a mix of shock and panic . He 'd felt an immediate need to make it better , but was at a loss . She wasn 't his Mistress . They were just friends , or that 's what he was hoping for anyway . It wouldn 't be appropriate to touch her in any way without her permission at this point . He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair , turned off the water , and grabbed his towel . On a positive note , she 'd not sent him away . Friends was not what he wanted , but he could work with it . She 'd been hurt . He could understand that too . His last girlfriend hadn 't understood his needs as much as he 'd tried to explain them to her , and she 'd lashed out at him . That last fight they 'd had was the driving force behind his exploration into BDSM . He needed someone who understood what he needed , what he craved . Trying to fake it wasn 't working for him anymore . With five minutes to spare , Drew pulled up the station house . There were a few guys milling about , but everything looked pretty normal . " Parker ! " He turned , and looked up . Shawn Madison , his fellow lieutenant at station five , was leaning over the railing . " Morning , Madison , " Drew shouted back . Shawn pushed off the railing , standing to his full height again . " Captain wants to see us in his office . " It wasn 't unusual for Captain Franks to want to meet with both Shawn and Drew . Three were few times where one of them wasn 't on duty , and it was his way of keeping us up to date on whatever was happening in our city . What was unusual was that it was happening minutes after he walked in the door . Seven o ' clock in the morning was an odd time to have a meeting , especially when the captain didn 't usually get in until eight . As I headed upstairs to my meeting , I passed Johnson and Rodriguez , two of our EMTs . " Morning , Lieutenant , " Johnson said , pausing for a moment before they passed by me . It was moment too long apparently . " Get to work you two , " came the captain 's billowing voice from above . " Don 't you have some lives to save ? " Shaking my head , I bound up the remaining stairs and followed Captain Franks into his office . Once the door was closed firmly behind me , he took a seat behind his desk . He looked first at Shawn and then me . " I know you were off yesterday , Parker , so I 'll bring you up to speed . There was a five alarm fire yesterday at one of the abandoned warehouses on Crawford Street . " That got my attention . We didn 't have many five alarms in our neck of the woods . Two and three alarms were fairly common , but in my last eight years as a firefighter there 'd only been one other five alarm fire and it had claimed thirteen lives . That wasn 't an experience I ever wanted repeat . " Was anyone hurt ? " " No , thankfully . If there were any homeless inside , they got out before the fire took over . We were just lucky it didn 't spread to nearby buildings . " " Be that as it may , " Captain Franks said , " we have bigger problems at the moment . " He sighed and handed us each a folder . " I made copies for each of you . The fire marshal is almost positive this wasn 't an accident . " Both Shawn and I started flipping through our folders as he talked . " There 's clear evidence of accelerant usage in multiple locations . Someone wanted that building to burn and burn fast . " Drew was trying to read and listen at the same time . The pictures from the scene spoke volumes , however . You could see the burn patterns where the fire crawled up the wall rapidly . It was a fireman 's worst nightmare . " How 'd they get the report done so quickly ? " Shawn asked . " Usually it takes days to get this stuff back . " " That 's true . These are only preliminary reports , but from what they 've found it matches the specs from the four alarm across town last week . The Fire Marshall will need another day or two to confirm , but it looks like we man have a serial arsonist on our hands . " A screen door opening and out came Chloe . Chris turned around to meet her bright smile . " Uncle Chris ! " she squealed . He bent down and picked up the four - year - old and she hugged him . " And how are you today , Miss Chloe ? " She giggled . " We 're going to the football game to see Uncle Gage play . " Pre - order direct from TWCS  Posted by He sat there naked as the day he was born . She 'd left him here , sitting on this metal box , and he didn 't know why . When they 'd come here , it was supposed to be something fun for both of them . Now , he wasn 't so sure . He heard noises coming from the rooms around him that didn 't sound all that pleasant . Then again , he couldn 't see anything outside of this room given the lack of windows . Something rattled outside the door , drawing his attention . The door opened , and there she was ; beautiful , sexy , decked out in leather , and holding a riding crop . Posted by I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I 'll not be posting a Tuesday Tales post this week . My 4th novel , Need , is due with in the next couple of days and I have to concentrate on that right now . I 'll be back next week , however , so you can find out more about Drew and Lady Beth 's story . : ) Pushing that nagging voice away , she planted a quick kiss on his lips and then lay back down on the pillow , giving him what she hoped was a sultry smile . " If that 's the case , you 're wearing way too many clothes . " Chris belly laughed , quickly removing his shirt and unbuckling his jeans , pushing them down his legs . Then he threw them in the corner , leaving him only in his underwear . He was back on top of her . " Better ? " Elizabeth Marshall drove her red Honda Civic into the little town of Springfield , Ohio . The simple name was one of the things that attracted her . It wasn 't complicated , and that was exactly what she needed in her life right now : no complications . She wanted a fresh start , far away from all the memories of the city she 'd left behind . Away from the person everyone thought she was . A person she 'd really never been , before or after . At the age of twenty - seven , she would be reborn . Reborn into someone she could be proud of again . Someone who didn 't pretend to be something she wasn 't . Someone her parents could be proud of . Springfield was big enough to have all the basic necessities without any of the flashy extras you 'd find in larger cities . It was just over an hour away from the place she 'd called home for the last ten years . Far enough away that she didn 't think anyone here would recognize her , but near enough that she could visit her parents ' graves whenever she wanted . In some ways she was glad they couldn 't see her now . Yes , she missed them , but they 'd also missed the mess her life had become . She felt moisture pool in her eyes as she thought of them , and knew that if she didn 't redirect her thoughts soon she 'd be a bawling mess by the time she arrived at her destination . Her destination . As she wove through the side streets , she focused on her surroundings . Springfield felt like a completely different world . No longer would she have to attend cocktail parties or ladies ' teas . Her hair and make - up didn 't have to be perfect before going outside to retrieve the morning paper . Here she could just be herself . In her search for the perfect place to start this new chapter in her life , she 'd stumbled upon an old home that had been turned into apartments . When she 'd received the e - mail back from Mrs . Weaver , her new landlady , she knew this was the place for her . The three - story building had been around for over one hundred years , but it looked to be in good repair . She loved old buildings . It was one of the few things she 'd enjoyed about where she 'd called home for the past five years . In her new home , Mrs . Weaver occupied the bottom level , Elizabeth would be on the second floor . The third floor had an occupant as well , although she hadn 't thought to ask for details . With a few more turns , she found the road she was looking for and followed it , as the houses once again became farther and farther apart . There was a line of trees to her right and a soybean field on her left when a mailbox came into view . Sitting back off the road , she could see the large Victorian house tucked between two soybean fields , surrounded by a small grove of trees . Pulling her loose , button - down shirt tighter around her , she got out of the car and went to the trunk . There wasn 't much to retrieve , just two bags . That was all her life consisted of now . All she had chosen to bring with her . The rest of her old life was either in storage , or had been donated to Goodwill . She didn 't need reminders . She had enough of those all on her own . " It 's okay , I 've got it . They 're not that heavy . " You could also use the exercise , her inner voice chastised . The woman waved her concerns away and took the bag . " Nonsense . I may be old , but I 'm not completely useless . Not yet anyway . " Then , extending her hand , she introduced herself . " I 'm Janice Weaver , but you can call me Jan . Everybody does . " She took a quick survey of her surroundings , noting that the pictures online hadn 't done the place justice , and followed Jan into a foyer decorated in cream and soft blue . The ceiling towered high above her , creating an open and inviting space . She loved it already , and she wasn 't even in her apartment yet . " Over there is my apartment should you ever need anything , " Jan said , pointing to a door just to the right . Elizabeth nodded . " And you 're up here . " She continued up the stairs as Elizabeth followed , eager to see her new place . Elizabeth looked around , very pleased . While there was a certain modern flair to the place , it was like stepping back in time . The architecture was beautiful with a vast wooden arch separating her living room from her new kitchen . She 'd been so caught up she hadn 't even heard Jan approach . That hadn 't happened in a long time . She was usually overly aware of her surroundings . It just reaffirmed her decision . " I love it . " An hour later , Elizabeth stepped back to admire the small air mattress she 'd just blown up in the middle of her new bedroom . It was only big enough for one person , but it would do until she could get a bed delivered . She needed to pick up some sheets and blankets . Sleeping directly on the vinyl didn 't hold great appeal . Not even for one night . Elizabeth 's breathing quickened as her chest tightened , and she automatically huddled in on herself . The man 's voice changed in her mind . It wasn 't some stranger anymore ; it was Jared , her husband . She leaned her forehead against the wall next to the door , trying to push the memories away . He 's not here . He 's not here , she kept repeating to herself . Just she was starting to calm , the door only a few feet away was wrenched opened and then slammed shut . It didn 't take much to put together that the man must be her new neighbor or one of them at least . She hadn 't thought to question Jan about the third - floor residents and felt stupid for not asking more questions . It was too late now . She was here , and she wasn 't going to let something like a disagreeable man chase her out of her new home . She would deal with her neighbor even if he didn 't seem like a nice man . Maybe she could avoid him altogether . It wasn 't as if they really had to cross paths , right ? She 'd learn his schedule and then avoid him . That would work . This day had to be one of the worst of Christopher Daniels 's life . His assistant had just up and quit without notice , and then his foreman , Terry , had failed to order enough materials to finish the interior drywall for the house they were in the process of building . On top of all that , he 'd managed to run over a nail somewhere along the way and had to change a flat halfway home . Leaning back against the counter , he forced his mind to think of something else , anything else but work , and settled on the new neighbor Jan had told him about . She 'd said the woman seemed nice enough and had moved down from Columbus , but that was all Jan knew . He really wished she had gotten more information so he could have had his brother Paul run a background check or something . But that wasn 't Jan Weaver . She was a great woman , just too trusting . Chris had known Jan and her husband , Charles , since he was a kid . They 'd lived across the street from his parents until they 'd bought this house fifteen years ago . Fate had brought them together again when Chris 's short - lived marriage had come to an end right around the same time Charles 's health had taken a turn for the worse . In exchange for decreased rent , Chris helped out with minor repairs when needed . Living here was beneficial for both of them . It had happened years ago , but Jan never let him forget it . He 'd been living here only a few months when , on his way in , he 'd dropped some papers . Later that night he was getting ready to climb into bed with his usual mound of paperwork , when he 'd realized something was missing . Instead of putting his clothes back on , he decided to duck out into the hallway and check . Unfortunately , the papers were just out of reach and as he stretched to pick them up , he heard his door click shut , locking him out of his apartment . He 'd had to run down the stairs in nothing but his boxers to retrieve the spare key from Jan . It was embarrassing enough , but at least there hadn 't been anyone else living here at the time to add to his humiliation . That was three years ago . In that time he 'd separated himself from all distractions . All he had left was his work , Terry being the only one he 'd become friendly with , and his family , of which he considered Jan a part . By the time Elizabeth made it back , it was almost seven . It had taken her a lot longer to find everything she needed because she 'd had to go to three places before finally finding the bedding she was looking for . What she 'd found was perfect . It was mostly white , but with red and gray clovers all over it , a far cry from the browns and creams Jared had insisted upon . Thankfully , the rest of her trip had gone smoother . She 'd found a nice little restaurant and had dinner there . Then she went to the grocery store and filled her cart , anxious to get home , put everything away , and make her house feel like a home . With her arms full , she managed to get the front door to open and get the first load up the stairs . It was the first time Elizabeth was thankful for all those years Jared had made her go to the gym . No . She was having such a good day she would not let her thoughts wander down that path . Resolute , she marched back down the stairs and was just reaching for the doorknob when Jan came out . " Did you need some help , dear ? " She was almost knocked over when a large man came barreling through the door . He didn 't seem to notice Elizabeth at all , as he focused on Jan . " You can 't leave the front door unlocked like this . It just isn 't safe . " His voice was gruff , and she instantly recognized it as the one she 'd heard this afternoon . It was not as angry as it has been before , but still intimidating . She backed toward the stairs without thinking . It was then that he noticed her , appraising her from head to foot , and his scrutiny made her uncomfortable . Even though she was completely clothed , she felt the need to cover herself . He was huge , taller than Jared or her father . His hair was a dark brown , only a shade darker than his eyes , and he looked dangerous , more dangerous than her husband , and her frightened expression must have been apparent . She closed her eyes tight , willing everything to go away : her memories , her fear , this man before her . Jan said , " Chris , you have perfect timing . " She walked over to the man and placed her hand on his arm . " Elizabeth , " she said , motioning in her direction , " just went shopping and needs some help getting everything up to her apartment . You 'll be a good neighbor and help her now , won 't you ? " The man looked down at Jan with an expression she didn 't understand . Then he sighed , turned to her , and in that same gruff voice said , " Come on . Let 's get your stuff inside . I 've got work to do . " Before she could say anything , he was back out the door and halfway to her car . She looked over at Jan . " Go on , " she said . " He won 't bite . " Cautiously , she followed him outside where he was already unloading what was left and had most of it in his arms before she reached his side . " I . . . I 'm sorry . You don 't . . . have to help me , " she said , almost hoping he 'd drop everything and leave her alone . He stood , waiting , so she glanced in quickly . " Yes . That 's looks like everything , " she said , and he gave her a firm nod before marching back into the house . As soon as she stepped over the threshold , he brushed past her as if he owned the place and went straight to her kitchen . She stood stunned for a few seconds . How did he know her place so well ? Elizabeth fought with her nerves once again before following him . Of course , he knows the layout of your apartment , she told herself . He lives upstairs . It 's probably the same . That 's all . She watched his retreating back , not understanding what had happened . When he 'd touched her it had felt , well , odd . Not unpleasant , just strange . But he 'd acted like she 'd hurt him . His eyes had held a pain that she didn 't understand . It didn 't make any sense . She had no idea how long she stood there just looking at the closed door before making herself move . She put all of the groceries away and made her air mattress look as inviting as possible before deciding to go ahead and get ready for bed . It was early , but she had nothing else to do . She didn 't have a television and she had no friends here . Sinking down into her makeshift bed under her new sheets , she rolled over to watch the last of the sun fall below the horizon outside her bedroom window . She could see the tops of a few trees , but not much else . The view was so different from the view from her old bedroom window where she could see nothing much more than the house next door . One day was behind her . Tomorrow she would find some furniture and after that , look for a job . Even though she didn 't need one thanks to Jared 's careful planning and his life insurance settlement , but it was something she needed for herself . This would work - her new apartment , her new life . All she had to do was avoid her new neighbor and pray no one figured out who she was . She could do that . Flash Fiction Friday . What can you do with only 100 words ? She felt him before she saw him . Light was streaming in from beneath the closed door , but other than that the room was dark . She 'd tried to adjust her eyes , to get ready for what she knew was coming , but it was useless . This was his territory . She took a deep breath , waiting . Suddenly , his body pressed up against her back and his hand came up to cover her mouth . Even though she knew he 'd been there , that it 'd only been a matter of time , a silent scream died in her throat . " Did I keep you waiting long ? " he whispered . I 'm back this week again for another Tuesday Tales . If you missed last week 's post and the start of this ' tale ' , click here to see what you missed . Beth Davenport tried not to focus on all the eyes staring at her when she walked into the club . It had been three months since she 'd stepped foot here . She knew there would be stares and whispers . Her best friend and fellow Domme , Nicole , had warned her about the rumors floating around . They were surprisingly accurate as far as rumors go except no one knew how she 'd come to find out about Ben 's lies . Only Nicole knew the truth , and she wanted to keep it that way . Domme or not , finding out a large portion of the life you 'd been living for the last three years was a lie left Beth broken in a lot of ways . She wasn 't even sure why she was here tonight other than Nicole 's hounding over the last two weeks . Putting herself back out into the dating world was the last thing she wanted right now . The thought of trusting someone again wasn 't something she was ready for , but Nicole had convinced her that she needed to get out and mingle with her friends , people who shared her same interest . So here she was , sitting with Nicole and a group of their friends . Beth was the only Dominant in their group without a sub . It was slightly awkward , but she tried to ignore it and have a good time . Nicole was right , Beth had missed her friends , and she wasn 't going to let what Ben did tarnish that . " I think you have an admirer , " Nicole whispered in her ear , jarring her from her thoughts . " What ? " " That doesn 't change anything . I 'm not ready to get back into the dating pool again , " she said , shaking her head . " Well you don 't have to date him , you know , " she said teasingly . Nicole 's hand on her arm stopped her mid - sentence . " I don 't think he 's going to wait a month or so . He 's coming over . " " What do you mean he 's coming over ? Here ? " Nicole nodded , and turned back to their group , effectively leaving her to fend for herself . Beth took a deep breath and prepared for whatever this guy was going to try and sell her . But he surprised her . Instead of coming over and trying to sweet - talk her , he sat down a couple of feet away and said nothing . She decided to ignore him and turned back to focus on her friends ' conversation . Ignoring him turned out to be more difficult that she 'd originally thought . Although he didn 't attempt to engage her in conversation , she felt his presence beside her . Even with her eyes purposely averted , she knew he wasn 't a small man . She 'd seen enough to know he was tall and nicely proportioned . But no matter how much she inwardly acknowledged is presence , she outwardly ignored him . That was until she finished off her drink . As she was getting ready to stand and go get a refill , he moved first . " May I , ma ' am ? " Her eyes rose to look at him for the first time and she felt the moisture dry in her throat . Cute did not begin to describe the man sitting beside her . He was tall and lean , but she wouldn 't call him lanky with his broad shoulders and muscled arms . His hair was a light brown and he was clean shaven , but it was his eyes that drew her in ; they were the most amazing baby blue . " May I get you a refill on your drink , ma ' am ? " he asked again . " " The bartender knows , " she said , trying to get him away from her as quickly as possible before she did something stupid . Submissive males bought Femdoms drinks all the time at the club . It wasn 't unusual , but her stomach still did flip flops as she watched him walk away from her . He came back a few minutes later and handed her a small glass with half coke and half sprite . She rarely drank , and never at the club . Whenever she came here , she was either playing with Ben or she was alone where she 'd have to drive home . Either way , she didn 't drink . After taking the glass from him , she turned back to her friends . Nicole had a smirk on her face that Beth desperately wished she could wipe off . Maybe she could borrow one of the club 's floggers . Unfortunately , for the next hour , the man continued to sit beside her in silence as she chatted with her friends and was brought up to date on what was going on in their lives . He was making her uneasy . Every one of her nerve endings seemed to be aware of him . She didn 't like it . Finally , she couldn 't take it any longer and turned to face him . " What 's your name ? " she demanded . " Have you ever played with a Domme before ? " Why she was asking was beyond her . It wasn 't like she ever planned on playing with him . " No , ma ' am . " The image of him tied to a bench completely at her mercy flashed in her mind before she squashed it . No . She would not go down that path . If he wanted to be friends , she could try she supposed . But no seeing him outside of the club or at munches . This would have to be a lifestyle friendship only . If he had questions about the lifestyle or help in finding a Domme , she could maybe give him advice . That was it though . She wasn 't ready to get tangled up in another web of emotional attachment . Taking a deep breath , she held out her hand . " I 'm Lady Beth , " she said , formally introducing herself . I 'm hoping to be back next week for another installment of this story , but no promises . I 'm working under a deadline for my July release of the second book in my Finding Anna series , Need . It will depend on how far I am in that story next Monday if I get to post my Tuesday Tales next week . If you 'd like to check out some other stories , go to the Tuesday Tales blog for a preview and links . From the moment he saw her , he knew he was in trouble with a capital T . What she wore had him shifting uncomfortably in his seat the entire drive . What got him most of all was that the outfit was completely appropriate for work . Carol had been all about pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable , especially with the clothing she wore . Elizabeth was driving him crazy without having gone through much effort . So why am I ready to press her down into the seat and devour her ? As she turned the corner , her jaw dropped . She could not believe he 'd brought her here . What had he been thinking ? There were naked people . She felt him step up behind her , his arms tightly circling her waist . " What do you think ? " " Um … " Words failed her . The people in the pictures were intertwined highlighting the differences in their bodies whether that was size , color , or gender . It was … different . Last week I was invited to participate in a group called Tuesday Tales . Each participating member posts a story or part of a story to their blogs . The post can be as long or as sort as the person wants . It can be any genre , any ' heat level ' . The only catch is that the blogger must incorporate the ' prompt word ' for the week into their post . Each week it 's something different . The first 2 - 3 sentences are posted to the main blog site http : / / tuesdaytales1 . blogspot . com / with links to all the participating blog stories . If you see something you like , click on it ! I 've decided to experiment a little . I 'll be posting this story a little at a time depending on the weekly word prompt and the amount of time I have each week . This is going to be a BDSM story , and will eventually involve both sexual and psychological play . Here is part one . I hope you enjoy . Drew Parker had finally drummed up the nerve to come here by himself last month . The thought of him walking into a kink club period had made him anxious . The thought of going there alone terrified him . In the end , however , he 'd done it . He 'd made that leap into the unknown . The only comfort was that he 'd been to a few local munches and befriended another male submissive . John had a Mistress , Allison . She was nice , and had even offered to play with Drew at the club if he wanted . He just wasn 't sure he was ready for that step yet . Right now , he was content to watch . This was all so new to him . Tonight was a pretty typical night . The main room was scattered with people talking and sipping on drinks , most of which were nonalcoholic . Submissives were in various states of undress . Some were on leashes kneeling on the floor next to their Masters . Others were sitting beside or on top of their Master or Mistress 's laps . There was very little play that occurred in the main room . Occasionally a spanking would occur or some other light impact play , but anything other than that tended to take place upstairs . Drew had walked back there a few weeks ago to take a look around . He 'd seen most of the equipment before on - line and knew what it was used for . Some of it appealed to him . Some of it didn 't . Although he had the desire to submit to a Mistress , he wasn 't looking for just the physical . Maybe that sounded cheesy , but he 'd done the whole sex only thing in the vanilla world . There was physical gratification , yes , but he 'd never truly felt connected to a woman before . He knew part of that was his desire to give up control to his partner , but he was twenty - eight and at this point he wanted someone he could share more than just sex . He knew it was going to be an uphill battle . Male subs were utterly outnumbered when it came to female dominants . But as his friend John had reminded him multiple times , if he didn 't put himself out there , he 'd never find her . Drew watched as John sat at his Mistresses feet withShe rattled off something , but Drew 's attention had shifted to the door . He vaguely registered John leaving the area , but that was where his acknowledgement stopped . Standing just inside the door , removing a wrap from her shoulders to keep out the evening chill was one of the most beautiful women he 'd ever seen . She wasn 't tall , but the black heels she wore added a good three to four inches to her stature . Her long hair was pulled up into a high pony tail and looked almost black . The black corset and jeans she wore accented her curves to the point where Drew was afraid he may be drooling . The woman walked with confidence over to the bar and ordered a drink . She chatted with the bartender , and he seemed to know her even though Drew knew he 'd not seen her at the club since he 'd been coming . His eyes followed her as she walked to a booth across the room and sat down with another group of people similar to the one he was with . Suddenly John sat down next to him on the couch having returned with his Mistress 's drink . " I wouldn 't get your hopes up . " He lowered his voice so no one around us could hear what he was saying , although Drew doubted that John would tell him anything ninety percent of the club didn 't already know . One of the things he learned quickly was that word traveled fast in this small community , especially if it was something bad . " She used to come here with her sub all the time . They 'd been together for years from what I heard , before Mistress and I started getting involved in local events . Then , three months ago , they both suddenly stopped coming . They 'd been regulars at the club , at munches , play parties , and then … nothing . " " He traveled a lot for his business . Sometimes he was out of town for weeks at a time going to all sorts of places . Apparently , his trips weren 't business related , at least not completely . Lady Beth found out he had a wife and daughter in Florida , and they 'd been married for five years . " " I know . He and Lady Beth had been together for almost three years . He 'd lied to her all that time . " Drew 's gaze drifted back to Lady Beth . He couldn 't imagine what it would have been like for her . " I don 't know if she 's ready to dive back into a relationship , man , and I know that 's what you want . " It was true . Drew did want a relationship , but he was willing to work at it . One step at a time , right ? So the first thing he had to do was find a way to introduce himself . Posted by All this month , I 'll be giving you six sentences from my upcoming novel Behind Closed Doors . Paperbacks are available for pre - order now . Ebooks downloads will become available on release day , February 9th . Chris was trying very hard to keep his mind on what he was doing . What in the world had that woman been thinking opening the door looking like that ? Her hair looked like she 'd just taken a tumble between the sheets , and even though she 'd thrown a loose - fitting shirt over her yoga pants , it didn 't lessen the effect . She still drove him crazy . All he wanted to do was fix this drain of hers and get as far away from here as possible . He didn 't need this type of distraction , especially from his neighbor . TWCS Publishing House Her voice sounded like a purr to his ears . " Yes . Perfect , " he said , snapping a few more pictures . " Now slowly remove your jacket . The jacket slid down her arms , caressing her skin as it went , revealing the tiny straps of her dress and her pale skin . He was trying very hard to concentrate on what he was doing as the jacket released its finally hold on her arms and fell to the bare floor . " What 's next ? " she asked . A new year , and a new book for Six Sentence Sunday . Today 's six sentences come from my upcoming novel Behind Closed Doors due out February 9th , 2012 . She backed toward the stairs without thinking . It was then that he noticed her , appraising her from head to foot , and his scrutiny made her uncomfortable . Even though she was completely clothed , she felt the need to cover herself . He was huge , taller than Jared or her father . His hair was a dark brown , only a shade darker than his eyes , and he looked dangerous , more dangerous than her husband , and her frightened expression must have been apparent . She closed her eyes tight , willing everything to go away : her memories , her fear , this man before her . Elizabeth Marshall spent the last nine years doing all the things she was supposed to do . She went to a good college . Married a man with a promising future . Elizabeth even had a nice house in a respectable part of town . There was even the promise of 2 . 4 kids in her future . From the outside everything looked picture perfect . Christopher Daniels enjoys the simplicity of his bachelor life . After his divorce three years ago , he swore off women . He has no desire to change that philosophy .

I 'm sixteen years old now . My memories of foster care are finally all in the past , and I 'm regaining my memories of college . From what I 've remembered so far , I liked college a whole lot better than high school , even though I was one of the youngest freshmen at UCLA . For instance , though General Hammond started allowing me to regularly help out the Linguistics Department once I turned fifteen , he restricted it to four hours a day , which has now been increased to five . It seems like just when I 'm starting to really get involved in a translation , it 's time to quit for the day . I know he set the limit because he believes it 's for my own good , but it 's still frustrating . There are lots and lots of kids my age who are working full time , and some of them are doing manual labor . Another thing is that I still haven 't been given access to any of the restricted information on the SGC 's computers , things that I know I had access to when I was an adult . I guess it 's the higher - ups who are responsible for that . What do they think I 'd do with the information ? I mean it 's not like I can tell anyone outside the base . I 'm not even allowed to leave the base . That , of course , is another reason why I wish that I 'd hurry up and get to adulthood . I was told that once I 'm eighteen , I 'll be allowed to leave the base for a few hours at time as long as one of my teammates is with me . I 'll also be able to work full time , and it 's possible that I might even be allowed to go off - world with one of the archeological teams , though that 's probably just wishful thinking on my part . Sam and Teal ' c had gone on a mission with SG - 17 . Jack couldn 't go because he was still healing from his bullet wound . Five hours after they left , we got an emergency transmission from them . The situation with the native population had gone bad . They were pinned down and couldn 't get through the gate . We lost contact when the gate shut down . We managed to contact them a while later and found out that they 'd been captured and that some of them had received beatings . Every attempt to contact them since then had failed . The video feed from the MALP showed that there were a few dozen natives guarding the gate , so sending a rescue team through was out of the question . The plan was to get hold of a Tel ' tak so that a team could fly to the planet . The problem was that it would take three days for a Tel ' tak to get there , and that wasn 't counting the time it would take to get the ship . There was no telling what might happen to Teal ' c , Sam and SG - 17 in that time . . . if they were even still alive . I was so afraid that Sam and Teal ' c were dead , that I 'd lost them like I lost Mom and Dad . I barely got any sleep that night . The next morning , I went to General Hammond , asking him to let me go through the gate to help rescue them . I knew that , with my abilities , I could help fight off the natives . I could lift over fifteen hundred pounds now , which would be more than enough power to toss around a few natives . I didn 't want to hurt anyone . I just wanted to rescue my friends , my family . But General Hammond said no , that it would be too dangerous . " Daniel , I understand how worried you are about Teal ' c and Major Carter , but I simply cannot allow you to go . And you know that they wouldn 't want you to risk your own life for theirs . I 'm sorry , but that 's my final answer . " After I left the general 's office , I tried to figure out what could be done . Even though I 'm not a trained tactician like Jack , I attempted to come up with some kind of plan to get past those natives , but every idea I got came right back to me being there to help . I knew how I could do it . I had it all figured out . I could even manage to do it without anyone going with me , because I knew that , once I got on that planet , I 'd have plenty of help . . . just not human help . You see , it turns out that I was wrong . I am Doctor Doolittle . Okay , so that 's not really true . I can 't understand what animals are saying , and I can 't talk to them like Doctor Doolittle does , but I can communicate with them in a way . Ever since that stuff that happened with the wolves , I 'd been wondering about how they knew that I was in trouble . Jack thought that they 'd somehow sensed my fear across the distance , but I wondered if it was more than that . So , while I was playing with Rambo on the mountaintop , I did my experiment . I made him sit and stay , then I went to a spot where he couldn 't see me , closed my eyes , and called to him inside my mind . At first , it didn 't look like it was going to work , but then he was suddenly there . I had to make sure that it wasn 't just because he didn 't like that I was out of his sight , so I did it again , moving away just a few feet the second time . Within just a few seconds of me calling to him in my mind , he came . The next day , I tried it again , only not with Rambo . I went alone back to the mountaintop to see if I could get wild animals to come to me . I discovered that , when I mentally called to them , they came to me almost right away , but if I didn 't call them , they either didn 't come at all or took a lot longer . I wasn 't talking to them with words . Instead , I was sort of broadcasting what I wanted them to do with mental pictures and emotions . I mean , when you think about it , what good would it do to talk to them with actual words ? They can 't understand English , now can they . This is reality , not some silly movie . I didn 't tell anyone about what I 'd learned . I was afraid that if I did , the bigwigs would rescind their agreement to end my virtual prison sentence when I turn eighteen . I knew , however , that this ability could make it possible for me to save Sam , Teal ' c and SG - 17 . The natives guarding the gate had both horses and dogs , and I could use the animals against them . Between that , my telekinesis , and the rest of my plan , I figured that I had a really good chance of getting past the natives guarding the gate and to the village , which was where we believed everyone was being kept prisoner . All I needed to do was come up with a way to get through the gate . I had to do it . I just had to . If I didn 't and Sam and Teal ' c died , I 'd never be able to forgive myself . It would be my fault that I didn 't do everything I could to rescue them . Putting the first step of my plan in motion , I went to Sam 's lab . On the table was a Goa ' uld shock grenade . Sam had been studying it to see if she could increase the size of the area that it would affect . It was in pieces , but , thanks to what she 'd taught me , I knew how to reassemble it . With my back to the camera so that it couldn 't see what I was doing , I put the grenade back together , then slipped it into the small backpack I 'd brought . Then I began moving about the room , pretending that I was aimlessly wandering . I managed to slip an infrared scanner into my pocket . I returned to my office and hung out there for half an hour , pretending to work . Then I went to the infirmary and tricked Janet into giving me what I needed from her . I felt bad about that , but I had no choice . I gathered a few more things I 'd need , then , after getting dinner , I went to my quarters to try and get some sleep , but all I ended up doing was staring up at the ceiling . So , instead , I practiced using my telekinesis . I 'd be using it in ways I never had before , and that was just what I 'd be doing to get through the gate . Once I was on the planet , there was no telling what I 'd have to do . Was I willing to kill someone with my powers ? There was no question that I had the ability to do so , but the thought of actually taking someone 's life made me sick . I knew that while I was on SG - 1 I probably killed quite a few people , but that didn 't make the thought of killing someone any easier to take . It was midnight when I left my quarters . I went to the commissary to get some fruit to take with me just in case , as well as something else I needed for my plan . Fortunately , no one was in there , so I didn 't have to answer any awkward questions about what I was doing . I nodded and held out a cup of coffee . " I brought this for you . I remember you telling me that you sometimes get sleepy when you 're on duty here at night . " I watched as he added two sugars and one creamer , then took a sip . " Well , I 'll let you get back to work . See you later . " I went back to my room and started putting everything in my backpack , including the food I 'd gotten . I changed into black pants and a matching T - shirt . And then I waited . After giving the sleeping pills an hour to work on Airman Seagate , I returned to the monitoring room and peeked inside . He was snoring away in his chair . Knocking him out meant that I wouldn 't have to worry about him setting off the alarm when I carried out the next part of my plan . I went down to Level 28 with my backpack . As quietly as I could , I crept up the stairs and looked into the control room . There were only two people in the room , which was what I expected . I was about to find out how good I was at using my telekinesis . I tore off two pieces of duct tape from the roll in my pack , then made them float across the room , keeping them low to the ground . Preparing myself , I sprang my attack . The duct tape flew up and sealed shut the mouths of the two very surprised technicians . Before they could remove the tape , I telekinetically pinned their arms to the armrests of their chairs . I walked up to them , and , using some more tape , bound their arms to the chairs , ignoring the look of shock in their eyes . After apologizing to them , I rolled them away from the console . I 'd come to the trickiest part of my plan to get through the gate . I typed in the address of the planet my teammates and SG - 17 were on . As the gate began to dial , I went down to the gate room . Before the guards could do anything , I snatched their weapons away and tossed the guns across the room . Then I pinned the men to the floor . " I 'm really sorry , " I said to them . " I wish I didn 't have to do this , but I have to help Sam and Teal ' c . They might die if I don 't . Tell Jack and General Hammond that I 'm sorry I had to do it this way . " " Daniel , don 't do this , " said one of the guards . " You 're just going to get yourself killed . The major and Teal ' c wouldn 't want that . " At that moment , the wormhole finished connecting to the planet . I took the shock grenade from my backpack and went most of the way up the ramp . Turning on the grenade , I threw a pitch that I knew would make Jack proud . I then went the rest of the way up the ramp , took a deep breath , and , for the first time in my memory , stepped through the Stargate . Whether that was the reason or it was something else , I felt fine when I stepped out the other side . Any thoughts about the thrill of the trip didn 't last long as I was faced with a couple dozen men armed with bows and arrows . In the light of the campfires I saw around two dozen more lying unconscious on the ground , thanks to the shock grenade . Before they could shoot at me , I telekinetically shoved all of them as hard as I could . There being so many , I wasn 't able to push them very far , but it was far enough . I ran like crazy toward the tree line , all the while sending a message to the natives ' horses and dogs . I guess they got the message because the horses began going nuts , kicking , bucking , and running around as the dogs started knocking down everyone who was upright , snarling and barking the whole time . I heard a lot of confused yelling , but I didn 't take the time to watch the show . Instead , I hurried toward the village , my eyes gradually becoming accustomed to the darkness . I knew that the distraction of the animals wouldn 't keep those men busy forever . They would come looking for me . When they did , I 'd have to be ready . I pulled out the infrared scanner and turned it on . As I continued through the woods , I kept checking the screen often . About ten minutes had passed when I saw that I had company . Seven people were on my trail . I began gathering things from the ground , a rock here , a heavy limb there . And then I found a hiding place and waited . It didn 't take long for the men to come into view . I waited until they were close enough , and then I attacked . The rocks and limbs went flying through the air to strike the men in the head . They all fell to the ground and didn 't get up . I really hoped that I hadn 't hurt any of them seriously . I am going to kill that kid . Of all the foolish , lame - brained things Daniel has done , this tops them all , and that 's really saying something . I thought for sure it would be impossible for Daniel to exceed the level of stupidity that he 'd shown on a few occasions in the past when he was an adult , but I failed to consider that not only was this Daniel we were talking about , it was a teenaged Daniel , which would increase by a factor of ten the likelihood of him throwing out any common sense regarding his own health and welfare . You parents of teenaged boys probably know exactly what I mean . I 'm not the only one who 's pissed . As part of Daniel 's escape plan , he tricked Fraiser into giving him some sleeping pills , which she thought were for him . Instead , they ended up in Airman Seagate 's coffee . I really don 't think I 'd want to be Daniel when she gets her hands on him for his next physical . As for General Hammond , he didn 't look like he was all that mad . He just looked really worried . I 'm worried , too . Make that downright terrified . When I think about Daniel alone on that alien planet , surrounded by armed natives who would probably choose to just shoot him rather than capture him , it makes my stomach clench so hard that I almost feel sick . He 's a sixteen - year - old boy who has no training and no knowledge that would tell him what to do in any number of dangerous situations he could encounter . All he has is a telekinetic ability that won 't be nearly strong enough if he has to go up against a hundred or so natives . How can he possibly succeed and get out of this alive ? For all we know , he might already be - Despite the fact that I 'm royally pissed off at Daniel , I can 't help but admire the way he managed to get through the gate . I wonder how long it took him to come up with the plan . Of course , without his telekinesis , it wouldn 't have been possible . I have to admit that I 'd love to have seen the look on the faces of those technicians when they suddenly found themselves gagged by duct tape that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere . The shock grenade that the guards in the gate room said he tossed through the gate makes me feel a little better about whatever plan Daniel devised for what he 'd do once he got on the planet . That grenade was a smart move and would greatly reduce the number of natives he 'd have to deal with on the other side . But it wouldn 't have taken care of them all . When Hammond and I first discussed the options for rescuing Carter , Teal ' c and SG - 17 , we talked about using a shock grenade , but , according to the video feed from the MALP , the natives were spread out too far for the grenade to get them all . Only around half would be taken out , leaving at least a couple dozen to fill anyone coming through the gate full of arrows . I knocked on the door of Hammond 's office and heard him tell me to come in . Like me , he received the news of what Daniel had done via a phone call rousing him from bed . Also like me , he 'd rushed to the base . " We 'll be sending SG - 3 and 11 to P19 - 736 to pick it up at dawn . Fortunately , that planet is closer to their destination than our original pick - up point was . It will take two days for them to get to M85 - 231 . " I frowned at the news . " Have you come up with any ideas on what Daniel meant when he said he had a secret weapon ? I 've been trying to figure out what he could be talking about , but I haven 't a clue . " " I 'm afraid not . " Hammond gave a sigh . " I feel partly responsible for this , Jack . I can 't help but think that I should have agreed to let Daniel accompany a team through the gate . At least then he wouldn 't be alone . " I stared at the village from my hiding place at the edge of the forest . I 'd had to deal with two more groups of natives along the way , all of whom got the same treatment as the first batch . I knew that I 'd been lucky . I 'd caught the people at the gate off - guard . They couldn 't have anticipated that a lone person would come through and somehow manage to get past them . I wasn 't sure what time of night it was , but I could see that there were still people wandering around . That could be both a good thing and a bad thing . If I could manage to disguise myself as a villager , it would be a good thing since I could then walk around freely , and no one would question why I was out and about . I peeked in a few windows until I found a house that looked empty . I slipped inside , glad that this society apparently wasn 't big on locking doors . I found a hooded cloak and put it on . After stuffing all the things I thought I might need in my pockets and the pockets of the cloak , I hid my backpack and started looking for some kind of jail . This was the weakest part of my plan . I really had no idea where my friends were being kept . In the quick radio message that Sam had been able to broadcast after they were captured , she said that they were in a cell inside a building in the village , but that didn 't mean that they hadn 't been moved since then . I didn 't know what I was going to do if they 'd been taken somewhere else . I wandered around the village , moving casually so that I wouldn 't attract attention . I tensed up when I saw some armed men who appeared to be searching for me . I didn 't know if any of the guys who were at the Stargate got a good enough look at me to be able to identify me , so I kept my face turned away from them . As I passed by them , I overheard what they were talking about . All the natives I 'd knocked out had been found , and no one had been seriously hurt , which was a major relief to me . Some of the men had said that they 'd seen rocks and branches flying through the air as if under their own power before they were knocked out . This coupled with what happened at the gate was apparently making some of the natives feel a little spooked . I 'd covered what I guessed was around three - quarters of the village and was starting to get worried when I saw a building with guards standing at the door . Unlike most of the other buildings , which were built with wood , this one was made of solid brick . That had to be it . The question was where inside that building were my teammates and SG - 17 ? Cutting through a side street , I went around to the back of the building . I noticed that there were very small windows with bars up at the top of the wall . The windows were around sixteen inches long and eight inches high , way too small for anyone to fit through , even if there weren 't any bars . But they were big enough to see through . I stood beneath one of the windows . Making sure that no one was around , I used my telekinesis to lift myself up . I 'd done it before for fun , so I 'd gotten pretty good at it . Once I 'd reached the window , I took a quick peek inside . The cell was empty . After lowering myself to the ground I went to the next window and did it again . I checked four cells that way . Some were empty , others had one or two natives in them . And then I got to number five . I almost cried out when I looked inside and saw Sam . She was alone , and I wondered where the others were . I decided to check the next cell over and found them there . Their captors must have separated Sam because she was a woman . From what I 'd seen , there were no guards outside the cells , but that could change if the guys searching for me decided that , to be on the safe side , they 'd better increase the number of people guarding the prisoners . I would have to work fast . Thankfully , a whole lot had changed since the last time I attempted to do something like this . We had all thought that the meet - and - greet with the natives was going well . Teal ' c and I had joined SG - 17 because intel indicated that there was some advanced technology in the village , and General Hammond wanted me to take a look at it to see if there was anything worth trading for or if it was just junk . The latter proved to be the case . It turned out to be useless bits and pieces of things most likely left behind by whatever Goa ' uld had brought the ancestors of these people to the planet . Since then , the natives had been demanding that we tell them where something called the Istriall was . We had no idea what they were talking about , so we couldn 't tell them . All of the guys had received beatings , though nothing severe yet . Because I was a woman , the natives hadn 't harmed me , but I knew that would soon change . I wished that Daniel was here , the adult Daniel , that is . Chances are that he 'd have been able to get everything straightened out , and we 'd all be home . He had a way with people that I always admired . So many times in a crisis , he 'd managed to make someone see reason or even forged a friendship with somebody who had been an enemy , like he did with Chaka . A sound drew my attention to the back wall . I frowned when I saw cracks in the bricks , almost certain that they hadn 't been there the last time I looked . My eyes widening , I watched as the cracks got bigger , spreading out in all directions . And then the bricks began bulging inward , chunks breaking off . Soon , there was a hole completely through the wall . I gasped as a face peeked in through it . I hurried up to the wall and knelt down . " Daniel , what are you doing here ? " I whispered harshly . " I can 't believe that General Hammond let you do this . " Daniel quickly made the hole big enough for me to get through . He then got to work on the wall of the cell holding Teal ' c and SG - 17 . I looked around , wondering where the rest of the rescue team was . I came to the conclusion that they must be keeping a lookout for approaching natives . " You came through the gate all by yourself ? " I nearly shrieked , keeping the volume down with an effort . " What were you thinking ? ! I can 't believe you could do something so foolish , Daniel . " Daniel launched into a hasty explanation that also sounded like a plea for understanding . " They wouldn 't let me come to help rescue you , but they couldn 't send a team without me because there were too many natives guarding the gate . They were going to send a Tel ' tak , but it would have taken three days to get here , so I . . . so I decided to come myself . " We hurried away down a street as an alarm began to ring . I was desperately wishing that we had our weapons . I figured that the odds of us making it to the gate were a thousand to one . Daniel handed me something . " Here . I brought this . It kind of came in handy . " I saw that it was an infrared scanner . I didn 't ask where he got it . I knew it must have been from my lab . We made our way to the edge of the village , keeping a lookout for natives . We had to deal with several more , most of whom were quite handily taken care of by Daniel . Maybe there was a chance that we 'd get out of this after all . From the shelter of a building , we looked out across the meadow that we 'd have to cross to get to the forest . There was a large corral full of horses off to the right , but no sign of any humans . Unfortunately , that soon changed . A party of around twenty men suddenly appeared . They spotted us and began to fire their bows at us . Under a hail of arrows , we hurried away down the street and out of the line of fire , but we knew that the natives would soon come after us . I turned to him to ask what he had in mind , but fell silent when I saw him close his eyes . A few seconds later , I heard the sound of horses neighing loudly . There was a crashing sound , like something made of wood being knocked over and broken apart . And then there was another sound , that of dozens of running horses . The sound grew steadily closer , and I felt the ground begin to shake . At least sixty horses came barreling around the corner , heading straight toward us . They stopped around ten feet away . My mouth hanging open , I watched as Daniel ran up to them and rubbed a few noses . He turned to us . With us clinging to our mounts and crouching low over them so that we 'd be harder targets , the entire band of horses took off down the street , thundering through the village like a moving earthquake . People ran in alarm from our path , armed and unarmed alike . The unmounted horses had surrounded us , their bodies acting as a solid wall of flesh between us and the men who 'd shoot us if given an opening . There could be only one explanation for the horses ' actions : Daniel was somehow controlling them . This was way beyond anything he 'd ever done before . In a very short time , we 'd made it to the other side of the village . And then we were out in the open . The moon had come out , and , in its light , I saw that a group of mounted natives was after us . I called to Daniel and pointed over my shoulder at them . Seconds later , every one of the horses ridden by a native came to a very abrupt stop . More than one man went flying out of his saddle . I couldn 't stop the smile that came to my lips . Far faster than we could have made it by foot , we reached the Stargate . My heart sank at the sight of at least fifty men there . I wondered how we were going to get past them . As we got closer and closer to the gate , the horses showed no sign of slowing down . I glanced over at Daniel and saw a look of determination on his face . Whatever it was that he had planned , I had a feeling that the natives would not be prepared for it . As I hurried toward the DHD , I glanced at the MALP and , to my horror , saw that it was smashed , the video and audio equipment destroyed . I no longer had my G . D . O . , and neither did any of the others . The natives took them along with everything else after they caught me talking to Stargate Command on my radio . We had no way to contact the SGC and tell them that it was us , which meant that they wouldn 't open the iris . " It 's okay . I have my radio . I brought it just in case . " He pulled it out of a pocket and handed it to me . The radio was given to Daniel by Colonel O ' Neill when he was ten . The two of them had fun radioing each other from different spots on the base , pretending like they were in a mothership , surrounded by Jaffa and in search of a Goa ' uld they 'd been sent to take out . I joined in after a while , and even Teal ' c got in on the fun . Lieutenant Colonel Ferretti had volunteered to play the part of the Goa ' uld and performed a very dramatic death scene when Daniel ' shot ' him . Though the radio was government property , I now realized that we never got it back from Daniel . It was a good thing that we didn 't . Somewhere beyond the horses protecting us , I could hear the natives yelling and trying to get to us . A few human cries of pain led me to believe that the horses were objecting . And then I heard a cry of pain that did not come from a human . I looked at Daniel and saw his eyes widen in horror . Then , before any of us could stop him , he ran off into the midst of the horses . The scream of a horse in pain was still ringing in my ears as I hurried to where I 'd heard the cry , horses moving out of my way at a mental command from me . There was only one horse left between me and the natives when I saw what had been done . One of the horses had been shot . It lay still on the ground , an arrow in its neck , and the man who shot it was lifting his bow to shoot another horse . " No ! " I screamed . I shattered the bow and threw the guy back twenty feet . I turned toward the other natives just in time to see several of them fire at me . In the instant before the arrows would have hit me , my mind instinctively reacted , shattering them in midair . Fury burning inside my brain , I focused my power on the natives ' bows . Every one exploded into bits . Judging by the cries of pain , I think I might have also broken a few hands . " We 've escaped , sir , thanks to Daniel , but we don 't have a G . D . O . , and the MALP is out of commission . We need you to open the iris , General . I 'm not sure how long we 'll be able to hold off the natives , even with the , uh , help we have . " We made it all the way to the platform with the horses shielding us from the natives . As we ran up the steps , I ordered the horses to go back to their corral after we were gone , wishing them a final goodbye and a thank you . And then we were running though the event horizon . Both Jack and General Hammond were in the gate room when we came out the other side . By the expression on Jack 's face when he looked at me , I knew that I was in for it . But , at that moment , I really didn 't care . Sam and Teal ' c were safe , and we 'd all made it home . " I can talk to them , " I said . " Well , no , not really talk to them , not with words , and I can 't understand what they say to me , but I can sort of communicate with them . It 's hard to explain . " My first mission . Well , okay , not really . It was just my first mission since being downsized , the first one in my memory . It also wasn 't an official mission . . . or approved . But it was still a mission , one that was a success . We were all safe and back home . But then I thought about the horse that got shot . It died protecting me , just like the three other dogs with Rambo that attacked the men who kidnapped me . The difference was that I didn 't ask the dogs to protect me . They did it on their own . Those horses were there because I told them to be there . That horse would still be alive if I hadn 't . Janet asked me a lot of questions about how much I used my telekinesis and whether or not I got even the smallest of headaches while everything was going on . I could tell that she wasn 't happy with me either , and I wondered if I 'd be subjected to a round of " vitamin shots " as punishment . I apologized to her about the sleeping pills . " That 's possible . The people who questioned us didn 't want to believe that we had nothing to do with it going missing . " Sam smiled slightly . " Ironically , I was wishing that you were with us to talk to them . You might have been able to convince them that we didn 't take the thing . You were pretty good at things like that . " Once the others got done telling their story , it was my turn . I could tell that everyone was surprised about all the things I did , especially the stuff about the animals . Sam asked a couple of questions to get more details about how my communication with the animals works . " It may have to do with the differences in the human brain , " Sam said . " Or perhaps animals are simply more receptive to telepathic communication . Regardless , it really is amazing . " " Daniel , give yourself a break , " Jack told me . " You 're sixteen years old and have no memory of doing anything like this . You couldn 't be expected to think of everything . " General Hammond nodded . " Well , I think that 's enough for tonight . We all need to get some rest . " He looked at Sam , Teal ' c and SG - 17 . " Since I 'm guessing that none of you got any sleep , I want you to take tomorrow off and relax . That goes for you , too , Daniel . No working tomorrow . Understand ? " I went straight to my quarters . I didn 't even bother getting dressed for bed . I just stripped down to my boxer shorts and collapsed on the bed . Throughout the meal , people kept staring at me . I bet that everyone was talking about me , the crazy kid who went running off by himself on a foolishly dangerous mission . Yeah , I could just imagine what they were saying . That 's when I saw Airman Seagate . I hadn 't expected to see him so soon , thinking that his shift wouldn 't be starting until later . I immediately lost my appetite . I knew I had to go apologize , but I didn 't know what I was going to say . I was expecting him to yell at me or , at the very least , give me a lecture . Instead , he laughed . Totally surprised , I stared at him . " Uh . . . some pills I got from Janet . She thought they were for me . I told her I didn 't think I 'd be able to sleep . I sort of . . . gave you a little more than she told me to take . " " Well , whatever they were , they sure did work . I haven 't slept like that in years . " He got a big smile . " You 'll have to excuse me , though , if , the next time you offer me a cup of coffee , I turn it down . " I smiled , too . " I can understand that . " My smile went away . " I need to apologize to the guys who were in the control room and gate room , too . I really didn 't want to do those things , but there was no other way I could get through the gate . " After finishing my lunch , I went to my office to write my report . I knew that I always wrote a report after a mission when I was an adult , so I figured that I should this time , too . General Hammond and his superiors would probably want to have all the details on what I did on the planet . I didn 't really know what the correct way to write a mission report was , and I didn 't have access to any of the reports I wrote when I was an adult , so I 'd just have to do the best I could . " You do realize that what you did was utterly foolhardy , don 't you ? " Jack said . " I 'd put the stupidity level all the way at the top of the scale . " Jack 's words really stung . " I didn 't think I had any other choice . I was afraid that something terrible would happen to Sam and Teal ' c if they weren 't rescued right away . " " And what about something terrible happening to you , Daniel ? In all your planning , did you not consider that even once ? And what about how Sam and Teal ' c would feel about it ? Did you honestly believe that they would want you to put your own life at risk for them ? " " You did stuff like this all the time when you were an adult , risking your neck to help people , even people you didn 't know from Adam . " He tugged at a lock of his hair . " You see this ? You did that . There was nary a grey hair on my head before SG - 1 was formed , and I had to deal with your complete disregard for your own safety . I 'd hoped that growing up with a new set of childhood experiences would change things , but I see it didn 't . I 'd also hoped that this facet of your personality didn 't form until you were an adult , but I now think you were born with it . " Jack 's eyes caught mine . " Daniel , do you have any idea how scared I was when I found out what you did ? During every minute you were gone , every single minute , thoughts were running through my mind about you being killed . " My gaze dropped to the desktop . I was feeling worse by the second . I hadn 't really thought about how worried Jack and everyone else here would be . " I lost my son , Daniel , and it nearly sent me over the brink . I was so close to the edge . You know what brought me back ? You . " " Yeah . It was on the very first mission through the gate . We didn 't know anything about the Goa ' uld , and the mission went south . Most of my men were killed . We 'd have all been goners if we hadn 't gotten help from some of the locals . I was all set to die , go out in a blaze of glory and end my misery . You know what you said to me ? I still remember every word like it was yesterday . You said , ' I don 't wanna die . Your men don 't wanna die . And these people here don 't wanna die . It 's a shame you 're in such a hurry to . ' I couldn 't get those words out of my head . They made me realize how pointless throwing my life away would be . They gave me a kick in the pants and the will to keep fighting . " Jack looked at me in the eyes . " I know what it 's like to lose a son , Daniel . If I 'd lost you , too . . . . " He didn 't continue , and his eyes fell away from mine . My throat felt tight , and my eyes were burning with tears . I realized now how irresponsible I 'd been , not just with my own safety , but also with the feelings of the people who cared about me . If I 'd been killed , Jack and everyone else would have had to live with the grief of my death . " I know you were , Daniel . We all understand that . But you have to remember that you have people who care about you very much , people who would grieve for the rest of their lives if you were to die . " I quickly wiped away the tear that fell down my face . I didn 't want Jack to see me cry . I wasn 't a little kid anymore . I felt Jack 's arm go around my shoulders , then , suddenly , he was hugging me . I hugged him back . He gave me a smile when we separated . " Yeah . Teaching you the military hand signals , survival techniques , stuff like that . Teal ' c has been teaching you some Jaffa martial arts since you were ten , but I think it 's time that we expanded your training to include what we guys in the U . S . Military learn . No weapons training , though . We 'll wait on that until you 're eighteen , which will be in less than a week . " " So that , when you go on your next mission , you 'll be more prepared . It isn 't going to be all that long before that happens , you know . I talked to Hammond about this a while back , and he agreed that there was no reason to wait until you were your original age before we let you join SG - 1 on missions . " " Nope . After all , when you joined SG - 1 , the only experience you 'd had was that first mission , and you had no experience at all when you went on it . You 're already going to be a lot more prepared this first time than you were that first time since you know what 's out there . So , I see no reason why you can 't join us on missions once you 're twenty - two or twenty - three . " " It wasn 't easy trying to come up with one , " Jack told me . " Obviously , we can 't ground you . You 're not allowed to go anywhere anyway , you don 't watch much TV , and you don 't talk on the phone or do any of the other usual things that teenagers do , so taking away any privileges like that would be useless . So , we 're going to take away another privilege . No translations for the rest of the week and weekend . I think it 's incredibly weird that not allowing you to work would be considered a punishment , but you 're a strange kid . " My heart sank . I wouldn 't be allowed to do any translations at all ? " But what if something really important comes up that only I can translate , like something in a dialect of Ancient that nobody else here knows ? " " If we decide that it 's something that can 't wait , then we 'll give it to you , but I don 't foresee that happening . You 're getting off easy , Daniel . I also wanted to ban you from your office , but Carter said that would make it harder for you to do your schoolwork . Oh , by the way , you can expect a lecture from her , too . She 's also seriously ticked off that you pulled that stunt . You 're lucky that she went home today . Otherwise , she might have already given you a piece of her mind . " " Could be . " Jack got to his feet . " Well , I 'll let you get back to writing that report . Run off a copy for me , too , okay ? " I got my report finished and gave it to General Hammond , then I took Jack 's copy to him . I 'd already emailed one to Sam . I also made one for Teal ' c and took it to his quarters . " No , Daniel Jackson . You were told by General Hammond that he could not allow you to go through the gate on a rescue mission , yet you chose to ignore this and disobey him . That showed disrespect toward his wisdom and his leadership . " " No , I - I didn 't think . . . . I mean , I thought . . . . " What was I thinking when I decided to go to the planet ? I was thinking that General Hammond was too hung up on my age and was disregarding the fact that my paranormal abilities could give a rescue team a big advantage . I was being disrespectful . When we all made it back home safely , I 'd felt so good that my plan had succeeded , and I 'd managed to rescue my teammates and SG - 17 , but the truth was that what I did was foolish and reckless , inconsiderate of the feelings of others , and probably not even necessary . Sam , Teal ' c and the others probably would have been fine even if I hadn 't gone . The natives probably would have just kept them locked up and not done anything to really hurt them . When the rescue team arrived in the Tel ' tak , they could have easily gotten in , pulled everyone out , then been on their way without any problems . Instead , I came charging in and nearly got myself and everyone else killed . If it hadn 't been for those horses , we wouldn 't have made it out . Was I this stupid and foolhardy when I was a real member of SG - 1 ? How many times did I put the lives of my teammates at risk by pulling some stupid stunt ? Jack said that I did things like this all the time when I was an adult . Maybe this was one of the reasons why he and I argued a lot . Maybe SG - 1 would be better off if I never went on a mission again . When a knock came on my door , I ignored it . I didn 't want to talk to anyone . Dinnertime came and went , and , still , I stayed in my quarters , feeling sadder , and stupider , and more of a detriment to my team by the hour . " I 'm afraid so . " He handed me a folded piece of paper . " I found this on my desk when I came in this morning . It 's from Daniel . " I tossed the letter onto the desk , suddenly angry again , this time at myself . I thought about what I 'd said to Daniel yesterday . I told him that he 'd been stupid and foolish , that he 'd failed to consider the feelings of others . Not one word of praise had passed my lips over the courage he 'd shown , his willingness to risk everything to save his team , his intelligence in devising a successful plan , and his ability to carry it out and remain calm in the face of danger . After reading his report , I was amazed at how well Daniel handled himself . Sixteen years old , and he 'd managed to single - handedly pull off a mission that a lot of twenty - year veterans could not have done better . And he 'd done it all without taking a single life . The same probably couldn 't have been said if a team had been sent to the planet in a Tel ' tak . The ship wouldn 't have had beaming technology , and the rings would have been of no use , which meant that the team would have had to land the ship and go in on foot to get the prisoners . Could they have made it all the way to the jail and back without having to take out any natives ? Probably not . " I fear that I , too , did not express admiration for the feat Daniel Jackson accomplished , " Teal ' c admitted . He told us what he said to Daniel yesterday , and I knew it was probably the proverbial straw that broke the camel 's back . As an adult , Daniel 's self - image was never all that high , and we 'd succeeded in crushing any pride he had in what he managed to accomplish . Couple that with his age and the emotional extremes that teenagers often experience , and was it any wonder that Daniel reacted as he did ? I felt absolutely horrible . Daniel had managed to pull off a daring rescue that may have saved mine , Teal ' c 's and SG - 17 's lives , yet did we give him even one word of thanks ? No . We were so hung up on the fact that he 'd gone off and done something incredibly dangerous that all any of us thought of doing was telling him why he shouldn 't have done it . Daniel has always put the welfare of others above his own . He is the most selfless , self - sacrificing and compassionate person I 've ever met . They 're among the qualities that I most admire in him , yet when he once again exhibited those very qualities by going to that planet alone to rescue us , I got mad . Would I still have been that mad if he 'd been an adult ? No . Oh , I wouldn 't have been happy that he 'd put himself at such great risk , but I 'd also have been grateful and admired what he 'd managed to do . It was because of his age that I reacted like I did . No , it was more than just that . Daniel being turned into a child had made me feel more protective of him . I 'd always respected the adult Daniel 's strength , his capacity to survive against all odds . Even though he was a civilian , I hadn 't felt the need to protect him from all threats . I 'd felt confident that he could handle himself well in a crisis . As time went on , and he became more proficient in the use of weapons , in being a " soldier , " I 'd gotten to the point where the fact that he was not a military man made no difference to how I acted toward him on missions . He was a teammate , equally as capable in a battle situation as Teal ' c , the colonel and myself . I trusted him to have my back no matter what . During the past weeks , I 'd watched Daniel age from a small child , when he truly needed our protection , but he wasn 't a little child anymore . He was only a few days away from being a legal adult and had already shown that he could stand up to a test of his courage and fortitude and come out a winner . I had to put aside the image of the child and show him the same respect and confidence in his abilities that I did when he was an adult . Daniel deserved nothing less . " Daniel , if you 're in there , please answer , " I pleaded through the door instead . " We need to talk to you . " There was no reply . " How long ago ? " he questioned a moment after calling the one that was at the door leading to the mountaintop . He then let out a low curse . I could faintly hear the man on the other end say something . " No , I 'll be right up , " the colonel said to him . " I 'm sure it 's fine . " A short while later , we were on the mountaintop , looking for our missing teammate . A search of the usual places yielded no sign of him . Fortunately , at this time of year , not many of the personnel came up there for a stroll , so Teal ' c was able to find Daniel 's trail . We followed it deep into the forest . We all grew concerned when it became evident that Daniel was traveling steadily downhill . He wouldn 't actually descend the mountain and go away somewhere , would he ? That question was answered after we 'd been on his trail for half an hour . We all stopped at the sight ahead of us . Daniel was sitting cross - legged on the ground , and he wasn 't alone . A doe and fawn lay beside him . Several rabbits , squirrels and a few other small creatures were congregated all around him . Amazingly , there was also a fox , which was sitting in his lap like a dog and seemed to be paying no attention to animals that it would usually be hunting as prey . The nearest tree was covered in birds , and several more were perched on his knees and shoulders . With the exception of the birds in the trees , every one of the animals was touching him in some way , as if trying to bring some measure of comfort . As incredible as the sight was , what struck me most was Daniel himself . He sat with head bowed , shoulders drooping . And he was crying . I couldn 't see his tears , but I could hear his occasional sniffle . It tore me apart . Just then , the animals became aware of our presence . The birds scattered , and some of the smaller animals ran off . Daniel looked up . Seeing us , he quickly turned his face away and wiped his cheeks . " No , you don 't , " Daniel whispered . " SG - 1 is better off without me . I take stupid risks and put everyone in danger . If I hadn 't gone to that planet , everybody would have been rescued in the Tel ' tak without anyone 's life being put in danger . " " What makes you think that ? Do you think that the ship could have just swooped in , snatched everybody up , then flown off without firing a shot ? Well , think again . The team would have had to land the ship and gone in on foot . Chances are that they 'd have met resistance . And they couldn 't have gotten everyone out of that jail the way you did . They 'd have had to attack the guards and breach the front entrance . Once they were in there , they 'd have been in danger of being trapped . " " And , by then , one or more of us may have been dead , " I said . " There 's something that we didn 't reveal in the debriefing . The last time that the village leader talked to us , he made some threats . He said that , if we didn 't talk , in the morning , it would be more than just beatings that we 'd receive , and he made it clear that being a woman would not save me any longer . " " You saved us from that , Daniel . You may have even saved our lives . When they couldn 't get anything out of us , the natives might have killed one or more of us . " The colonel spoke up . " Daniel , what you did may have been irresponsible when it came to your own safety , but it was also very courageous . Every member of an SG team is expected to put the lives of their teammates ahead of their own , and that 's what you did . On top of that , you managed to pull off a mission that not another person in the SGC could have done . You set out to do something , and you accomplished it with intelligence , courage and some pretty impressive tactics . " Daniel shook his head . " You 're just saying that to make me feel better . You don 't have to lie to me . I know I screwed up . What you guys said to me before was right . " " Hey . You get one thing straight , Daniel , " he said . " Since you were turned into a kid , not once have any of us lied to you about anything . We are not saying this just to make you feel better . We 're saying it because it 's the truth , and it 's something we should have said yesterday . " " For my part , I failed to extend to you the same respect and honor I would have shown if you had performed a similar feat when you were an adult , " Teal ' c stated . " Many times , you have defied the will of others to do what you believed to be right , and , each time , you accomplished things that helped bring success to a mission that might otherwise have ended in defeat or the deaths of many . I have always felt great respect toward you because of these things , yet I did not show you respect this time because your youth and my emotions altered my perceptions . And for that I am deeply sorry , Daniel Jackson . " " We 're all very proud of you for what you succeeded in doing , Daniel , " the colonel said . " We don 't want you to leave SG - 1 . Without you , it just wouldn 't be the great team that it is . " At last , Daniel lifted his head and looked at us , tears swimming in his eyes . That was the last straw for me . I sprang forward and engulfed him in a big hug . " Come on , " the colonel said after the hug ended . " I 'm getting cold , and my butt 's starting to hurt sitting on this hard ground . Let 's go back inside and have a nice cup of hot cocoa before we start Daniel on his training . He 'll be going with us on missions before we know it , and the more we can teach him before then , the better it will be . " He stared closely at Daniel . " Right , Daniel ? " " Oh , I started learning in Egypt when I was six . I learned to ride camels , too . The grandparents of one of my foster mothers had a ranch , and we went there several times , so I got to ride a lot . " " Yet another talent to add to your long and varied list , " the colonel remarked . " Just don 't ever try to get me up on one of those things . I had no choice but to ride on one of our missions , and that was enough for me . I 'm lucky I didn 't break my neck . " That comment made Daniel smile . " Well , how about some riding lessons , Jack ? You never know when it might come in handy again on a mission . " I decided to get in on the fun . " He 's right , sir . I know I was sure glad that I 'd had some lessons when I was trying hard not to fall off the back of that horse . " " No thank you , " the colonel responded emphatically . " Don 't get me wrong . I like horses just fine . . . from a distance . Though I may act like a horse 's ass on occasion , this ass of mine will never again be placed upon anything of an equine nature . " As I entered the gym for my first hand - to - hand combat training session , I looked around at the other people there . They all smiled at me , and a couple guys even gave me a half - salute . Colonel Dixon of SG - 13 paused as he passed by me . I touched my cheek . I turned seventeen today , and my whiskers were getting pretty long . I should have started shaving a while ago , but I 'd been putting it off . Though , in the beginning , it wouldn 't be quite as often , once my facial hair growth reached full speed , to remain even remotely clean - shaven I 'd have to shave two to three times an hour , a thought that made me shudder . How would I get anything else done ? All my time would be spent shaving . I was seriously considering letting myself grow a beard . Janet told me that I could try a depilatory cream or gel , which contains a chemical that dissolves the hair shaft . It would allow me to go up to four hours between shaves . I 'd need to be checked for an allergic reaction first , though . She was going to talk to some dermatologists to find out which products were the safest and most gentle to the skin . Jack let out a sigh . " I was just thinking about how fast the time has gone . Less than two months ago , you were four . Now , you 're a man . " I ducked my head . Jack 's words made me feel good . His opinion of me was very important , more important than anyone else 's . I wanted him to be proud of me . It had really hurt when I thought that he , Sam and Teal ' c didn 't feel that way . Since yesterday , my teammates hadn 't missed an opportunity to show me that they are very proud of me and respect the person I am . Sam has begun teaching me all the various hand signals used by the military , as well as Morse code and other things she believes I should know . Teal ' c has stepped up my training in Jaffa martial arts techniques , saying that we would begin basic training with a staff in a couple of days . He 's told me more than once that I 'm doing very well . " So , you ready for your first lesson ? " Jack asked . " I 'll warn you now that your ass is going to be sore from all the times I plant it on the mat . 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I need your help . You regularly say that we are " Stronger Together . " I couldn 't agree more . I 've found such purpose in serving a small village in Haiti , named Marfranc . The joy of my friends there is unlike any joy I 've seen in my American friends and family . I first went to Haiti in 2009 , right before the earthquake . That was all it took for me to fall in love . In 3 weeks , I hope to make my 8th trip with New Life for Haiti to bring medical care to some of the poorest people in the world . Here 's the problem … we have no ability to connect with anyone in the southern peninsula ( near Jeremie ) . It 's been several days , and no communication , whatsoever . I even exchanged tweets with Haiti 's First Lady . She was kind and gracious , but said that even she had no information about the fate of the people of Marfranc . CBS Chicago interviewed me last night about it , but I still have no more information . Would you be so kind as to help me find out what happened in Marfranc ? Are our friends alive ? Are they injured and desperate ? Do they have clean water ? Were their crops washed away ? Is an outbreak of cholera just around the bend ? All of these issues are keeping me up and night , and that 's why I 'm reaching out to you . It has now been days since Hurricane Matthew devastated the already overwhelmed nation of Haiti . The current death - toll is standing at 800 , and it is sure to rise . I serve with an incredible volunteer - led organization called New Life for Haiti . We do a LOT with very little . It has truly become one of the joys of my life , and I know that could be said for all of our volunteers . Sadly , the area we serve seems to be unreachable . Bridges are washed away , cell towers are down , and we have zero communication with the village we love , Marfranc . I was interviewed on CBS Chicago about it last night … and we still have heard absolutely nothing . I 've heard stories of how you 've quietly helped the " down and out , " before . Would you do it , again ? Can you help our organization get to the village of Marfranc to check to see what 's happened to the people we 've served for 11 years ? The people we 've laughed and cried with . The people we 've dreamed with about a better future … for them , and strangely for us , too . Periodically , I receive the stories of the lives of victims of domestic violence . Please read Rhonda 's un - edited story , and know that there are people out there to help you . Click here for more information . My story begins really when I was young only because I saw things in my own home growing up that I should or no child should see and this created a future for me that only what I knew to be right was really oh so wrong . I lived in a upper middle class neighborhood , we always had what we wanted . Growing up we were at Country Clubs and we may not have been rich we had enough money to go on vacations every year and had the things that we wanted . My father , however , was abusive , not to the extent of what I encountered , but looking back it definitely defined what I was going to be looking for in my future relationships . I would protect me mother and my father hated me for this so he took it out on me . He told me I was a failure and would never amount to anything , no one would ever love or care about me as I was . Oh how those words would come back to haunt me . I had an older sister and a younger brother and both were so close to my dad , I stayed true and close to my mother until the day she died . Never knowing the true reason for his hatred towards me or why I was never one that he felt he wanted to be close to was troubling and I would carry this burden for so many years . As I grew older I would somehow chose men that were going to downgrade me in some way because that is all I knew as to how a man was to treat me . Never knowing any different and never getting any counseling because I just thought that is the way I am to be loved is why I put myself below every man I met . They told me so many times I was worthless , I guess I was , right . So material things and being at their every whim was what I felt was the only way to hold on to love , but it was not love it was my pain of the feeling of worthlessness and insecurities about me that eventually had me be the loser and other women become the wives and lifelong partners . So sad but it is how it all began . At the age of 39 , I was married and had a young son , 4 years old . My marriage was not a good marriage , he was verbally abusive but of course I stayed because he was supposed to treat me this way , right . Wrong ! ! Well I did leave , while separated I met a man , oh what a man . He was so handsome , he was so nice , he was so caring , he was what I had been looking for all my life . I could not stop thinking about him . He was just out of a relationship so we talked on the phone everyday and would see each other on occasion . Oh , how I thought , this was great he is taking it slow so I must be a good thing , plus all he has to say to me is nice things . We talked for hours , long conversations getting to know each other . Little did I know that was not everything there was to know . He told me at one point he was going to give that relationship one more chance because he felt that he still loved her and wanted to find out if that was real . I let go and was going to move on , but then quickly that did not work . Now in 2001 our relationship begins and I really would get to know this person . So many people say that when you see the signs you should run , yes there are signs but somehow the mind can be manipulated into believing what another is telling us . When our relationship started , he was arrested and needed help getting out of jail . That is not the biggest sign , the biggest sign is the reason he was arrested , Domestic Abuse , now that is a huge sign . His ex had said that he hit her and blacked her eye and broke her ribs . Of course , he told me that she was lying and he never touched her , so me being the worthless , need to be loved and the only way I feel loved is if you use and abuse me , kind of girl , I believed him and put both feet in . He did go to jail for 10 months , his attorney told him that it was best to plea out on the case because she had pictures AND I find out that he had previous domestic charges on his record . Pictures , other cases , yes , but he told me that she hit herself and took pictures and that the other cases were untrue . I believed him AGAIN . Plus I did not ever see that side of him so I HAD to take his word for it . Looking back this is the biggest sign I missed and the worst was yet to come because I would be this person that had the black eyes the broken ribs and I did NOT hit myself to get them . I visit him everyday because he worked in the kitchen he could have visits everyday and I was there . I would go home at night write him a letter and take calls from him . This was daily routine for me . I had taken up with his children and would have them over at the house , take them shopping and anything else they needed . I would always make sure he had money on his jail account . My life was now devoted to him and I was in hook , line and sinker . He got out and I thought all of this was behind us and our life would be happily ever after . I thought that he would never hit me , hell I never thought he hit those other girls either , so this person had been railroaded . I thought that they just could not let go of this great man so they concocted stories about him . WOW , how naïve was I ! ! ! Life was good , for a little while that is , until the man that was portrayed in court was the real man not the man that I thought I was talking to , , holding on to and wanting to have a future with . So , we have this house , or rather I have this house and he starts back to work with his own carpet installation company . We are living together and his kids , my son and so many other fun people are coming over spending time with everyone was happy times . My life went straight to hell in a flash . I found out that he was doing cocaine and I became angry about this , mind you I never did drugs , I was so naïve to drugs he would tell me that I was like the Nancy Reagan of drugs , totally against them . Yes , I was ! His demeanor started to change , he was not so fun anymore , I would watch what I would say , I started to remove friends and more importantly my rock , my mother , from my life . My life was his life now I was just a piece of the puzzle world he was living in . I had not mind of my own , I had no life outside of him , I even had my son stay with his dad because this was becoming a not so good place I wanted him in . He had not hit me yet but I should have known that was coming . I kept thinking this was going to get better , but it only got worse . He had started the process with me as he had done other times , I just did not know I was in the process of becoming a victim . He became verbally abusive , telling me that I needed to lose weight , I was at my lowest weight , wearing a size 7 jeans . I was 5 ' 7 " and I weighed 135 , this was not overweight , but now I am becoming insecure about the way I looked and the way others looked at me . I was feeling that I could please him . I tried harder to hold on to him . I would make sure that he had dinner when he came home , made sure he had money in his pocket . He would be gone for a few days in a row at a time now if the time I began to question myself not him , myself , crazy I know but true it is . He continued using cocaine and the only way that I could keep him and hold on to him is sick but it happened , I told him that I would use cocaine . This I thought would keep him home and he would love me . I began using cocaine and became an addict . He began to hit me , but he hit me in places only I would know . He would hit me in the stomach or kick me in the ribs . I was living in hell and I never thought at this point to get out , he manipulated me to the point that I became his puppet . I would still go to work everyday and support us as he was not really working as I had found that he was out doing the drugs everyday even when he said he was working . I would come home from work and it was hell but for some sick reason it was ok to be living in hell , I knew no different . I would lay in bed and want to cry but I learned that crying only made things worse . If I cried while he was hitting or punching me that only made that worse , so I learned how not to cry and take it . He always would say he was sorry and he loved me , he would buy me a gift or something . I knew that he was sorry , he had to be , to hurt someone you love , you have to feel bad for hurting them . But now I realize the love I was thinking was love was not really love it was all about control . We got evicted from this house and I lost my job , we are now homeless and addicted to cocaine . The strangest thing about this is that I knew cocaine was wrong but I did not know that him beating me up was wrong . How is that possible ? His Aunt had rental property that she let us rent . I worked odd jobs , since I had worked since I was 15 years old , I knew not working was not an option . Again , I knew the difference between right and wrong except when it came to abusing me . The memories at the new place would be more of the nightmares that I would be having years later . When we moved in this house it had an upstairs that we never really used it was an old house and it was more like an attic . We began hanging with really rough people , drug dealers from Detroit to be exact . He would do odd jobs for them in exchange for the cocaine . I did not want to do cocaine anymore it was not getting me where I thought it would when I first made the decision , but I was stuck at t his point . My heart could not leave this man , I had to take care of him . He got really made at me one night and to this day I do not know what made him so mad but he grabbed me by my hair and threw me on the floor , kicked me so many times in the stomach that I was curled up so tight in a fetal position that he could not get his foot in to kick anymore . When he could not kick anymore he grabbed my hair again and pulled me up off of the floor and having me by the hair was running me into the other room at a fast pace , I could hardly keep up . He rammed my head into the wall so hard and fast that my head broke through the dry wall , there was now a huge hole in the wall . He did not stop there , I was seeing stars and fell back , but he fell on top of me and began chocking me . He chock me till I blacked out . I came to and he was not there . I called him , he answered and said that he left because he thought I would call the police . Well , I told him that my dad taught me that what goes on behind closed doors stays behind closed doors . He came home and I felt so loved . OH MY GOD … . LOVED ? ? ? Remember he had still not hit me where people could see , every place that the bruises were no one would be able to see unless I showed you . He started spending a lot of time in the " attic " and the bathroom . I mean he would lock the door to the attic and be in the bathroom for a hour or more . If I checked on him , he would yell mean horrible things to me and then when he finally came out I would get hit . I hated cocaine I truly did , but I had no way out , I had no friends at this point at all and I never talked to my mom . I knew that this was not the life but it was what I chose so I had to live with it . He became angry because we did not have the money for cocaine and the guys from Detroit were now in jail getting ready to really do some hard time . He decided or maybe just his normal reaction looking back , but it was going to be taken out on me . This is when it began to show that I was being abused , the abuse became worse , the chocking became harder to where there were marks on my neck and I had marks on my face , he did not care so much where he hit me at this point , hell I did not go anywhere and saw pretty much no one . He had me under his control , his spell and his dictation . Finally we lost this house , his Aunt was going to sell the house , so we had to move . We had nowhere to move . He said that he was going to live with his mother but I could not come with , she would not let me live there . Now , his mother was addicted to pain pills and let everyone from anywhere stay at her house , but for some reason not me . Ok , he let me become homeless . I lived in a storage unit which is one that you are not allowed to live in . I had turned everyone away except for the man that " loved " me . I should have known that if he had loved me he would never have let me live in a storage shelter , but then again you see NO signs when you are in this situation . You might be thinking my story is over , no the worse is yet to come . So , coming from an upper middle class family to being homeless and using food stamps for any food I can get , I should have thought to run as fast as I could . Yes , I ran but always to him . I would closed the storage door at night and sleep on my closes or furniture in there , unsafe but safe . During the day I would walk around , I had a pre pay phone and he would call me everyday to make sure I was ok but it did not change the fact that I was living homeless and he was living in a house . It was raining one day and he came by the storage unit , I thought he had come to rescue me , no he just stopped by and asked if I wanted to go fishing the next day . The next day never came . I always kept time on my pre paid phone because I just knew that he would call or text or something . I began receiving calls from unknown numbers that would hang up on me or say mean things to me , make fun of me being homeless . It was a girl and I could not figure out who would be doing this to me or who had this number only my son , Michael ( finally I say his name in this story ) and Michael 's mother . Well I found out that he was seeing someone else during this time , do not know how long it had been going on but his mother finally came clean with it to me , now I know the reason I could not stay at her house . So here I am , still loving him , holding on that he will be back to me any way that I can have him , hit me , beat me , have others abuse me with phone calls , however it is to be , I can 't lose the " love " we have , I can 't lose " the best thing that ever happened to me , so I have to do something to make him realize that we have stability , hear that I have to do something . I am not asking him , I have to take care of him . I reach out to an old friend tell her what is going on with my life , she was a friend from high school . I am only 2 years into a 14 year relationship , can you imagine if this is the first 2 years what happens in the next 12 . She helps , wow , how amazing is that . She gets me out of the storage and puts me in a hotel for a week , she also tells me that a friend of ours from high school is the CEO of a top rehab center in Louisville . We contact him and he puts me in the center for 30 days no charge to me . I call Michael and tell him that I am going to rehab so we can have a life , I ask him to come with me as my friend said he would accept him but we would have to be at two separate facilities we could not be together . The rehab had two facilities in town . He yelled at me and told me that he did not love me and to leave him alone . I would not accept that , he has to love me ! The morning I am to go into rehab I stop by his mother 's house to change his mind . He busts through the door after I knocked and throws me to the ground and tells me to leave . I leave and I should have left his life . I go to rehab for 30 days , during those 30 days I could only think of him . I did speak with my mom and dad during this time and there are words that will stick with me forever in my life . One conversation with my dad truly reflects the abuse and betrayal he felt for me . He told me that I was killing my mom , so when your mom dies know that it was you that killed her . He said I was causing her so much pain that I would end up seeing her dead and I would have to live with knowing that my ways is what killed her . You will see later in my story that when she passed my life was crushed and it pushed me so much more to Michael . Sad but true , I guess I had to stay with the abuse to feel the pain I caused my mother by the words of my father . I was worthless , useless and just a piece of shit , Michael was all I deserved . I talked to Michael a few times while in rehab , he was nice and apologized to me told me he loved me and wanted me to get better . He also told me that he during the times he was in the bathroom for hours at a time , he had started to inject cocaine which he used the word " fire " cocaine . Oh my god , he is a junkie , I really have to get clean to save him . Crazy how your thinking can become so damaged with manipulating people . I went to see him on a day I was allowed to have an outside visit . I went to his sister 's house where he was living now . He was a little uneasy to see me so I was leaving to go back to rehab , he found me a ride or I was going to take a bus . On the way back to rehab he jumped all over me for nothing , started hitting me in my head , in my side and demanded my food stamp card . As I was getting out of the car , I gave him my food stamp card . Taking care of him and knowing he can always count on me will make him love me , my way of thinking . I never worried about the beatings but it was everything else I worried about , I worried he would run out of my life so I gave it my all . I get out of rehab , move in with my son 's aunt and her husband . I am alone in this world at this brief moment , but my thoughts are that I have to build it back up so he will come back . Everything and I do mean everything was about having him in my life . I get three jobs and try to start over . Finally , I get a job that will allow me to move into an apartment and have my son be a part of my life . This is where I face my regrets in my life , but all the while still holding on to Michael and our life together . I find an apartment close to the company I am now working and I feel like I can wake up each day clean and sober with a fresh mind , but my mind never stops loving Michael . He starts calling and coming by again . He said he is proud of me , he said that he will get clean but just not right now . I find out that he is now smoking Meth . He is in and out of my life , other girls the whole addiction life . I remember he comes over to get money , food or sleep . If I did not have money to give him , it would be a reason to hurt me to beat me up to call me every name in the book , the ridicule me into believing I was still a worthless piece of shit . It worked he sucked me in again and again . The one thing he never sucked me into was drugs ever again would I do that again to myself or my son . I knew that was wrong , oh so wrong . I was better than that , but I was not better than being beat on . The beatings were not as frequent as they were because he would be gone for a couple of weeks at a time on his meth high , but he always came back . He was at the apartment sleeping and when he woke up said that he was going to run up to the store right down the road . I gave him the keys to my car because he had been dropped off a couple of days earlier . I gave him my card to go the store , I should have gone with him because he was gone , gone , gone . He took my car and my card and went on a meth binge . He would tell me that he would be back in the morning because he knew I needed to go to work , but he wasn 't . I had to walk to work , I was close but it was still a hike to get there when you are walking . My payday came and I had to go pick up my paycheck find a place to cash it , it was 4 miles away . I walked to cash it , I walked to the grocery all the while asking is this my life . I remember he was gone for a week or so when he told me that he would pick me up from work this one day because it was his Aunts surprise birthday party so he wanted us to go out there . I got a call from Michael 's mom that he had been in a car accident . Someone came to get me from work so I could get to the hospital . I get to the hospital and he is ok . Found out that my car was totaled , he fell asleep at the wheel and crossed three lanes of traffic and hit a telephone pole . He had been up for 8 days straight on meth and was falling asleep . Thank the good lord above no one was seriously injured . He came home and promised he would get clean . I knew that if he did not , he would die and I could not lose him . He was never one to keep his promises and to this day still is one that never keeps his promises as you will find in my story . Now I am without a car and no surprise he leaves again after he heals enough to be able to get high again . The one thing I have learned about addiction is that each person has to reach their own rock bottom . You may think being a sober person that if you could have died you would stop doing drugs , that is not the way an addict thinks . They may think about being clean and sober but the love for the drug is a much greater love then they feel for anything or anyone . I guess looking back I should be thankful he was gone , not getting high , but gone for those brief periods because they kept me from have to suffer the abuse during those times . Logic is not something you think when you are in an abusive relationship . Logic was like a disease to me , could not imagine my life any different than the dysfunctional way it was , but it still after everything was the only way I knew , did others live different , I did not know because what goes on in your house stays in your house , right . So the only people that knew what I had suffered at this point was my friend from high school and anyone in rehab during our groups . To see me on the street my life was perfect …… WRONG ! ! This was my life for the next several years until my mom passed away in 2007 . My dad passed away in February 2007 which I was not so saddened by . I was sad because he was my father but not sad as in I lost a part of me sad , I don 't know if that makes sense but it was the feelings that I had . He hurt me and the hurt I had to live with for a lifetime . My father 's passing was sudden , he had not been sick , but my mother had been sick for many years with emphazyma and CPOD , she was a breast cancer survivor . I was with Michael and a couple of his friends when I received a call from my brother that my mom was in the hospital and it did not look good . Michael was not going to take me he had his buddy 's wife take me . I did not care how I got there just get me to my mom , but looking back a person tells you they love you , yes , they should be there for you no matter what and take you to the hospital when your mom may not make it . Michael never seduced me as a person in a romantic way he seduced my mind and my heart to be whatever puppet he needed today . I see that now , but not then . My mom passed while we were at the hospital , she never made it out of the emergency room . My world is falling apart , my rock is gone , my best friend has gone to heaven to be an angel . It thank God everyday that I was able to get back with my mom and a few days before she passed we had such a beautiful day talking about everything , she was such a beautiful person and everybody loved her so much . She was simply amazing and I know that she is the most beautiful angel that watches over me . But at the time , I was angry , I only had one person and she was now gone , my brother and sister quit speaking to me years ago , probably because of what my dad was telling them , I truly to this day have no idea what happened there , but to this day we are estranged and never speak . I have tried to reach out but to no avail . Sadness looms over me , I have never needed Michael , I have always given , I was hoping he would be here in this time for me , no surprise he was not . My mom 's viewing was a one full day . Michael 's mom had to drop me off because Michael had my car and did not come home . He called and apologized , crazy how even during this horrible time in my life , just the sound of his voice and an apology made everything ok . My Aunt dropped me off where Michael was after the viewing , he was the nicest to me that he had been in such a long while , I guess he did have a little bit of a heart . There was nothing that he said wrong , bad or mean . He held me tight kissed me , oh to have this feeling everyday is what I dreamed of . He took me to his mom 's for the night she wanted to give me a rosary . I tried not to cry because crying only made things worse , so even the death of my mom made me fear crying , have real emotions . Michael left as soon as we got to his mom 's house . His mom and I sat for hours and talked , I cried but he was not there it was ok to cry I felt . She gave me a rosary that I was going to carry with me at her funeral the next day . Michael called several times during the night he said he would be back in time to take me to the funeral and go with me . The next morning came and he was not there , called him so many times . The saddest thing is that my car was at my apartment and he had his mom 's car . I am so upset as the morning continues and time get closer to my mom 's funeral , he is not there . His mom finds a car to get me to the funeral but I am late to my mother 's funeral . The one person in my life that was everything to me is gone and now the only other person that means anything to me is gone doing whatever and making me possibly miss my mom 's funeral . I am heartbroken by everything at this point . Things go back to my normal , which was not normal to most people . I am now 6 years in a relationship that is abusive in every way possible , but I don 't see that . It is like knowing cocaine was wrong but not knowing the beatings were , not normal , I know that now . So , now I get life insurance from my mom 's life insurance policy . I get $ 45 , 000 , which might as well been 0 because everything went back to hell in a matter of months as you can imagine . We moved to a house his cousin owned , life was ok , I had money to be able to take care of everything , everyone but myself . I bought him a truck , a used one but a nice one . I had a Jeep , my favorite car ever . I was thinking that things could change somehow but they did not they just continued to spiral downwards . I hardly left the house only to go to work and back , I had no social life , no friends to speak of . I did however try to get Michael to have a relationship with his children , he had three from two different marriages . His youngest was my son 's age , so he moved in with us and my son moved in as well . I grew close to his son and by Christmas of that year Michael was saying it was going to be great to spend Christmas as a family with his kids as well . There would be problems , one , Michael was still getting high on meth and two he never keeps his promises . But the hopes still stayed with me . Christmas came and my son , his son , his daughter and other son and me would end up spending Christmas alone without Michael . He was nowhere to be found , he called and said he would be there soon but soon never came . Finally he arrived home several days later , when I confronted him it became a battle and I was the one with the bruises and battle wounds and the words Whore , worthless piece of shit , etc running through my head . I know that my son and his son heard this and this was the first time my son was exposed to this , it broke my heart . My son would go back and forth between me and his dad , he went to school in his dad 's area so he stayed with him mostly . I tried to make things right it just was not something I could do . I found out that Michael was seeing another girl all the while we were having Christmas , his son living with us , the whole time . So I decided to find out what was going on , for some reason I thought I could be the strong person and confront him about this . I found that he was with her and they were staying at another friends place but it was mostly a place they all got high together at , no one ever really slept there . Then they were at a hotel several times . On one of these occasions , I had someone take me to the hotel and I took the truck and left them with nothing . I hid the truck in my backyard so he could not come take it . This was wrong because I should have known what was coming when he did finally get back to the house , but I did it without thinking those thoughts . The next day he called and totally cussed me out over the phone demanding the truck back , he said that if he did not have the truck back he could not get back home , he said he would stop seeing her it was the drugs and she did them . Damn you , again , I believed him and yeah he needed to get back home . He found a way home and got the truck but not before he grabbed me by the hair pulling me across the floor by my hair , then chocking me for me to fully understand that I will never do that again . Life continues in this way but his ex has come to get his son , if he is not living there she is not going to have another woman raise her son . I agree totally . He does come home for a little while and I mean several weeks , so I am thinking he is getting clean and not seeing that girl , no that is not the case . He is getting high in the basement and still talking to her but she went back to her husband . For him to be able to leave he would usually create an argument so that he had a reason to leave . He started to get angry about something , I don 't know what . When I say I don 't know what it 's not that I don 't remember it 's because it was anything or nothing at all but it was my fault , he did not need a reason is my point . I told him that I was going to look at his phone because I knew he was seeing her he hit me harder . The stairs to our basement were concrete and he knocked me down prior to getting to the stairs and then took me by the feet and yanked me down the stairs the back of my head hitting each stair . When I got to the bottom he pulled me up by my hair and made me sit in a chair and not move . He told me if I made any move he would hurt me . I sat there for I know what seemed like hours , at this point I told him if he wanted to go he could just leave , I would not look at his phone and yes I was crying at this point but the tears were sadness and shame . I was in physical and emotional pain I hurt so bad . I began to get up so I could go upstairs and I could barely walk , my back , my legs , my head all bruised and hurting . He was not done yet , he pulled me back to the chair and put his hands around my neck and told me he would tell me when I could go upstairs . Finally after a text or phone call , I truly don 't remember which , came to him , he said he was leaving but he would be back in about an hour . I made my way upstairs and just laid on the couch and cried . I knew he would not be back in an hour but then again I never knew when he was coming or going . I was so overwhelmed by everything that my job started to fall apart . I left my job and I did receive unemployment but the money I got from my mom 's life insurance was gone . I found that he was still seeing her and I actually saw them together at a gas station . I followed , when they got to a place together , I waited for him to come out . He came out alone and got in the truck , I followed him , I wanted to talk to him , he was turning down streets up streets , then he turned down a street and did a quick turnaround I put my car in reverse and my car lost control , it flipped three times before landing in someone 's yard . I remember I was in the passenger seat when I came to and my car was totaled . He was at the door and the EMS was there too . They were taking me to the hospital , they told him the hospital . I remember all kinds of tests , they had to cut my clothes off of me . I asked the nurses to please call him because he was not there and I know I had been there for hours . I had a concussion , broken ribs and many bruises all over my body . He finally came to take me home from the hospital , but this was at the time the nurses were asking if there was anyone else they could call to come pick me up . After his beating me up then the wreck I was a wounded sole that could barely move . He took me home got me my medicine and left … yes … left . I could not get up to go to the bathroom , get anything to drink or eat , nothing . His ex called to check on me and said that she would come out to check on me . She did but for what reason I do not know I think that she was trying to get him back , I found out several things about her later after everything came to a head . Still recovering from everything , he wanted more . He came home , nice like he had been the doting man and never done anything wrong . He was only home a couple of days and needed to leave again , I was upset about him leaving he knew I was in no shape to take care of myself but the meth was more important . He started an argument with me or I said something that started the argument and that was all that was needed . He pulled me in the bedroom because he had a friend in the basement , he threw me on the bed started chocking me and then pulled me up by my hair and punched me in the ribs . I buckled to the ground because any healing on my broken ribs was now starting over because he re - broke them and he punched me several times in the face . I was one broken sole . I managed to get up and get to the kitchen , he then took a metal Swiffer mop and wacked it across my back , so hard that it bent the Swiffer mop pole almost in half . I fell to my knees and the to the floor , knowing it was making a lot of noise I was hoping his friend would come up from downstairs to help but no he did not . He drug me across the floor back to the bedroom and told me to stop crying , I was bawling I was in so much physical pain , I tried but I could not and at this point I think his meth and friend became more important so he left . We are being evicted from this house as well now , the electricity has been turned off . We move over to his sister 's house . I receive a call that he is being locked up and they have him pulled over right now . I go to where he is pulled over and what I see is just beyond me . They have on the hood of the truck , seringes , needles just so much it is unbelievable . He is sitting in the back of a police car and one officer takes me off to the side and questions me because the truck is in my name . I know NOTHING about any of this . They tell me that they were doing sting operations and that he was dealing meth and there was other powder substances . I just could not think at the moment . The officer gave me a word of advise and I should have taken it , he was the first one to tell me to get away from him and it was not because of the home life it was because he knew drugs would lead to nothing but jails , institutions and / or death . He gave me Michaels phone but kept the truck , Michael went to jail and was now going to face 25 years in prison . I finally was looking at his phone and he was not there and boy what I found . There were naked pictures of the girl he was seeing and to my surprise these pictures had a date on them of Christmas Eve and Christmas . How sad that you would be taking naked pictures of some girl getting high and missing Christmas with your kids . But was that a sign that made me walk away ? NO . We are now into 7 years together , his daughter is due a grand baby this year 2008 . He is still getting high and still seeing that girl and still living with me and beating me up to be able to go get high and be with that girl . All the while he is waiting to see if he is going to prison for 25 years . I paid the attorney so much money over the course of the past 7 years for him . His daughter was giving birth and I tried to find him to get him to her but to no avail , I told his brother and I went on to the hospital . He arrived and she asked him to leave . I left too but I know this broke his heart , but I could do nothing for him and for the first time I did not feel sorry for him . Time goes by and the court case continues for the next year . He makes promises of getting clean but they do not happen . We are at his sisters and he is getting more and more angry , probably his own demons but I suffer the blunt . We are watching tv one night and he is laying on the couch I am sitting up leaning on the couch . We are talking about something and then he becomes enraged , he punches me so hard in the eye that my eye swells up with blood . As I am crying and blowing my nose , the blood in my eye puffs out each time I blow . I have nerve damage to this day on the left side of my face where he damaged a nerve in my face . On the very next day we were going to get him something but going back home so he would not be gone out running around due to the court case pending and we run out of gas . I was driving and he reached over and punched me in the right eye because we ran out of gas , it swelled and was immediately black . My face looked like I had been beaten to a pulp both eyes not black and swollen . He got out of the car and found a way back to his sisters . I walked to a gas station and asked if I could get some gas I did not have any money but the girl behind the counter knew I was having many troubles in my life . I got some gas and then she gave me $ 5 more to get back home . She could see my face and I am sure she wanted to ask but never did but I know she was hoping the gas was for me to go as far away from the trouble little did she know it was to go right back to it . There are nice people in this world I know that . Life took a turn for the better when the case finally went to court , he was cleared of all charges a jury found him not guilty , his attorney was good that is for sure . He came out of court and wanted to get clean , this is the first time he ever said that , he wanted to go somewhere that no one would find him and he could get clean . We went to friends in Indiana , I found a job and we stayed there for 3 months . He was clean and sober for his granddaughter 's 1st birthday and his relationship with his daughter was beginning to be a good relationship again . We moved back to Louisville and in with his mom . I began a full time job at a great company and then we got a place of our own . He was working out at the gym everyday getting himself fit and in shape . He was looking like the man I fell in love with and he was acting like it . He started working everyday with his own business and it was doing well . He met some people at the gym who were into the bodybuilding contests they encouraged him to get in the contest . He started taking steroids though and this created another him . He would have rages they were different than the other drugs he had taken but had the same effect . I would get up and get ready for work fix my hair and he would get up get mad because of the hairspray smell would wake him up . He would come home from work and you would never know what the mood would be . I would constantly be careful of what I would say or how I would say it , walking on egg shells became my daily routine . Scared of the pain that could be caused . I sheltered myself as good as I knew how never knowing if it was right or not but I never let anyone else have an insight into my pain I carried the burden alone . We are now into 8 years of our relationship and I have had no friends since 2001 that I have spent time with or talked on the phone with . My mom is gone my brother and sister have no relationship with me as they feel I guess I am a burden and they live these great lives . Mine is one of turmoil and drama that I wish upon no one ever . Jump at your own shadow kind of fear . Spray hairspray and get hit with the hairspray can because it woke someone up . The egg shells have forever left scars on my feet . Just everyday going through the motions not really knowing who you are because someone has stolen that from you , not knowing if you would be alive to see grandchildren of your own , just simply not knowing what the world had in store for you tomorrow . This year was much the same as before just so sad to say that you are scared to walk away but also scared to stay . Your mind has no sense of direction it has no thought process of its own because it is controlled by another person . You are trapped , but you still in some sick way love this person that has caused you so much pain . In 2010 Michael is going to compete in his first bodybuilding contest . He has been training hard and I have been the supportive person in his life . In bodybuilding when you are competing you have to have certain meals close to the contest . I would measure out his meals set up everything for him for his daily workouts . His meal preps took me about 3 hours a day to get ready for him . I wanted him to win , I was proud of him , I loved him and he loved me , right . I was at work one day and he text me he wanted to take me to lunch , wow , this was great ! He picked me up and said he had to make a stop first and then we would go to lunch . He said he had to get a permit to do some work in a building , but he took me to get a marriage lisence . He said he wanted to get married before his contest he said he loved me and he would not be where he was if it was not for me . He said he would be dead if I had not been there to support him through everything . We got married the weekend before his contest . I was the happiest girl he really did love me and he was changing . Oh I was so in love , for the first time in a very , very long time I felt a happiness come over me . I should have known the feeling would not last . We got married in November of 2010 , going into 2011 I thought this was going to be a great year , he had another contest around the Ky Derby time and he won that contest . Things were good , he had not hit me in a while , he would get angry and leave the room . All my thoughts were that he was changing and that we would have normal disagreements , but those were just thoughts in my head . By then end of 2011 he was growing distant , it seemed he was pulling away and I knew what that meant or what it had meant in the past . He was growing extremely angry with me , calling me names , telling me I was fat , ugly , that no man would ever want me . He would say he could not make love to me anymore that I disgusted him in so many ways . He would knock me to the floor in the middle of making love and hurt my feelings so bad I became so ashamed and all the feelings of worthlessness would come back to my head . My insecurities about myself all rushing to me . When I looked in the mirror I began to see what he was telling me I was . So sad but true , I became a recluse never wanting to leave the house except to go to work . I would cry on the way to work and talk to God asking him to make me pretty , but God knew that my beauty was inside I had to find it . We took a family vacation to Florida the summer of 2012 . I thought we were having a great time with everyone . I would find out later , much later that Michael had been having an affair with someone that I knew . We come back from vacation and he was growing distant I thought it was me because of the way he made me feel about myself . Exactly his plan , make me feel worthless so he feels better about what his secret life is all about , I would blame myself and that would take the blame from him . We were at a party for one of the bodybuilders and I received a text from this man we knew . He said that his wife and Michael had been having an affair for quite some time . I confronted Michael on the way home . Of course he denied it . Several people then came forward and told me he was having an affair with her . I told them they were lying . No they were telling the truth , it finally came out . He told me he was having the affair and he was leaving me . It all made sense , however , it did not change the worthlessness and insecurities I now felt because of his words . He left me for her . He up and left me and our life after all these years all that I had suffered all that I had done . He told me that he wanted to try to work it out , so we went to counseling , but he kept on seeing her so it did not work . He left with the clothes on his back . He would call me and stop by and say things that were promising but I realize looking back that was just to give me hope and keep me on a string and under his control . It worked though , I kept the hope alive for a couple of years . Then by now being 2015 I knew he was not coming back . He is gone 14 years later it is here I guess the rest of my life begins . Currently we are still legally married but I did get divorce papers in the mail that he said he sent out 18 months ago . He is still with that woman . I don 't know about you but I do know that if I was with someone and still married I would be shouting divorce so loud because if I wanted to marry someone else and I filed papers 18 months ago , I would make damn sure you got them to sign . I don 't know what his reasoning is but I guess I never knew his reasoning . I have been diagnosed with PTSD ( Post Tramatic Stress Disorder ) , Anxiety , Depression and I have to be on medication for the rest of my life . I have to understand that the reasons for his actions were not my fault . Putting your hands on someone is never right , it is always wrong . Suffering for years and then suffering for more trying to get myself right . I still to this day have a hard time feeling good about me and the way that I look the way that others see me . I have nerve damage a few places due to the abuse that I endured . People will say " I would have beat that guy down and ran away " , no they would not do that . People never being in a domestic violent situation will never know the way this works . You are manipulated , controlled , abused in many ways and you feel there is no one that would ever understand . I look back and my strength came when I finally let go . I thought I was strong by holding on and keeping us together but I was wrong . I pray everyday and I talk to a certain star I see in the sky hoping it is my mother up there looking over me . I believe in God and I believe I will see my mother again otherwise I probably would have killed myself many years ago . I wanted to die so badly at times during this relationship , I wanted him to kill me so I did not have to take it anymore . There are two reasons why I did not kill myself , one , my son , two suicide I felt I would not see my mother again . But I did not know how to live with the pain . He used me for so many years as well as abused me , he took so much from me that I can 't get back , I am not talking about material things . I was a different person from the time I met him till today , almost like I have lived two different lives . I will be 53 years old this year , I don 't know if he will ever change but I do know that I am changing , changing to be a better me and love myself . I got a tattoo , never liked them but I got one on my forearm that simply says " beautiful " so every morning that I am getting ready my arm is up and I see " beautiful " in the mirror . This tells me that I am a beautiful person and love life , I just need to learn how to live it . Live the life you imagined , the one you dream about , make it become real . Earlier this year I was having nightmares and flashbacks to the point that I would feel the punch again while I was sleeping , I had never experienced this before . My therapist understood , so it was real because the trauma I suffered was real . I miss my mom , maybe I would have been stronger if she was here , maybe not but I know I am getting stronger everyday of my life and that is not a bad thing . Life has its struggles for me still but I can get through them , I am a single mom and my son who will be 18 this year is the only man in my life . I have to heal myself inside before that ever becomes an option of another man in my life . I have to pamper my inner soul with kindness and gentle peaceful times and thoughts . When my soul feels the way it should and I truly love me for me it will be then and only then will another man be an option for me , if another man never comes in my life I am ok with that too because I will be ok with being me and free from pain and abuse . Did you know that churches and other places of worship are NOT usually looked at as allies by domestic violence shelters ? Did you know that the rate of domestic violence is the same in the church as it is outside of the church ? Did you know that more than 1 / 4th of all women will be victims of domestic violence in her lifetime ? If this sounds extreme to you , I don 't blame you . It would have sounded preposterous to me before 2007 , as well . In 2007 , I counseled Stacy Peterson ( a church - goer ) for the last time , and about 2 months later , she disappeared , and she 's never been found . Her husband , Drew Peterson ( also , a church - goer ) is the only suspect in her disappearance , and was convicted in 2012 for killing his previous wife , Kathleen Savio . I 've officiated quite a few funerals in the 13 years that I 've been an ordained pastor . Funerals are always for the people left behind , but they are usually representative of the wishes of the one who died . Not once at a funeral have I heard someone say that their dad 's last wishes were for his kids to get the " corner office . " Why ? Because the end of life brings the truth , " you can 't take it with you when you go " to the forefront of our minds . So , on this eve of the 14th anniversary of 9 - 11 , I 'm thinking about what the 2 , 977 victims ( no , I 'm not including the hijackers , as they were NOT victims of anything ) would tell us today . I 'm certain they 'd say : Cecil the Lion has become a household name , here in the United States . As a matter of fact , I don 't recall seeing this much outrage about the killing of an animal … since Michael Vick 's dog - fighting shenanigans . If you 've been hiding in a cave recently , let me tell you about Cecil . He was a beautiful and regal lion who lived in a national park in Zimbabwe , until an American hunter named Walter Palmer went to the African nation and allegedly illegally killed the lion on July 1st . My heart was saddened . I 've always had a soft heart for animals , but to see this former " king of the jungle " lying lifeless next to a smiling hunter made me feel a deep sense of sadness . Apparently , many people have felt that way , as # CecilTheLion has trended on Twitter for days . Some have called for new regulations on hunting , and others have called for Walter Palmer to become lion food . Even more so , I 've been haunted for days over the lack of perspective that so many of us seem to have , as a nation . There has been FAR more collective outrage over the killing of Cecil the Lion then there has been over the Planned Parenthood fiasco … at least in the mainstream media . How sad that the media would talk more about Cecil the Lion than the killing and dismembering of babies ( in the name of medical advancement for the living ) ! Now some will say that people can be concerned about both issues . I agree , wholeheartedly ! But … they aren 't the same . Life is all important , but humans are far more important than animals . Humans are the only part of creation that God said in Genesis were created " in the image of God . " My worldview demands that I value humans more than any other part of creation , because God does , too . Some believe that all life is equal , and should be cared for in the same manner . If that is true , then are you also outraged by the fact that Planned Parenthood has killed nearly 7 , 000 , 000 babies since 1970 ? Are you troubled that 58 , 000 , 000 babies have been killed since Roe v . Wade became the law of the land in 1973 ? If we 're being honest , most of us care more about Cecil the Lion , as evidenced by the blowing up of the interwebs by animal rights activists . But , you might say : abortion is legal , and hunting endangered animals is not . True , but is it moral to follow law based on an immoral decision ? I would say not . So what can we do about this ? I would say that first , we need to find our " True North . " Our lives ' compasses need to be recalibrated , and quickly . If we don 't value the next generation more than any animal , then we are in deep trouble . We 're a nation with blood on our hands and ice in our veins and … consciences that are seared to what is right and good . May we seek God 's forgiveness for this human holocaust that we 've put our approval upon . Secondly , we need to encourage our faith communities to do more than pray and shout outside of abortion clinics . If I were a woman in crisis ( or not in crisis ) and was thinking about having an abortion , I 'm pretty sure the way to my heart would not be through angry talking points . What if churches banded together with pregnancy resource centers , and funded the work that they do to put Planned Parenthood out of business ? What if women felt true love from our churches and knew that they would be loved and supported throughout their pregnancies ? I would say that many of them would not have abortions , and would find the love that God intended for them to experience . Finally , I would encourage everyone who believes in the value of the unborn to speak up . Raise your voice on social media and in your conversations … in love . Push Congress to de - fund Planned Parenthood , and vote them out if they don 't . Sometimes people become anesthetized to current events , and need a chance to process them with loved ones before they see the faultiness of their thinking . In 2008 , in my struggle to choose between Obama and McCain , I had a conversation with someone about the issue of abortion . I remember saying to my friend that while I believed abortion to be sad , that I leaned toward being pro - choice because I didn 't believe that " morality could be legislated . " I now believe very differently , thanks to The Center for Medical Progress 's work to expose the sickness of Planned Parenthood . Morality IS legislated . Our laws are all based on morality . It is only " goodness " that can 't be legislated . Do you remember last summer when the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge went viral ? It was incredible to see so many people pour icy - cold water on themselves in the name of finding a cure of the devastating disease , ALS . 17 million people uploaded their videos ( me included ) , and 440 million people watched the videos a total of 10 billion times . That is unbelievable reach ! This makes me sick to my stomach . Do we really believe that it is right to kill in order to promote life ? What kind of non - sensical reality have we found ourselves in ? So , I 'm sorry that I supported the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge . I will not support any organization that benefits from the killing of babies . The end most certainly does not justify the means . Life in 140 characters or lessError : Twitter did not respond . Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page . 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This is a story about two people who love each other but neither is very smart . But do you have to be smart to be unfaithful ? What if it just a plan ? I played the tape one more time , just to be sure I hadn 't made a mistake . To be sure it was really Sally on the tape . To be sure she was doing what I knew she was doing . In a way , I was just punishing myself but there was a tiny part of me that insisted that I had made a mistake . So , I listened again . I heard the sounds of them coming upstairs and into our bedroom . Sally cautioned him to be quiet since her mother was asleep down the hall . They had been in the living room for the first ten minutes or so but now they had come upstairs to our bedroom . She actually let him fuck her in our bed . I listened as they talked to each other . " You 're so beautiful Sally . I can 't wait to have you and to make love to you again . It 's been too long since I felt your legs around me and I want your beautiful tits pressed into my chest . I want to put my dick into you so deep that you feel it in your gut . " " Come on big man . Just get your clothes off and take me to bed . Push that beautiful cock into me and make me scream . Cum inside me . I need it so bad . " This was one of the things about the tape that I just couldn 't figure out . Sally 's voice was the voice she used when she was concentrating on something very complex . And the words were not those she ever used with me . I guess maybe it had something to do with the guy she was with . It sure as hell wasn 't me . " God , your cock feels so good and so hot . I want to put my mouth around it and suck you and make you hard . I want to taste you and feel you in my mouth . I need it now . So bad ! Yes ! Yes ! Ummmmm . " " Get your ass up here and fuck my cock . Put your hot cunt over my cock and ride me baby . Ride me Sally , ride me . Give it to me . That 's the way . Oh , God ! " Then the sounds of the bed squeaking as she bounced up and down on his cock . She always loved to ride me and now she was riding some other guy 's cock . This kept up for a few more minutes before he began to grunt again . When Sally heard him she yelled at him to move . " That 's it baby , squeeze those legs around me ! I 'm ready to cum . I 'm gonna cum . Here it cums . Oh God , that feels great . Ahhhhhhhhh ! " Sally wasn 't done yet apparently because she was still humping him and she was grunting as well . She was moaning and moaning and she was probably fingering her clit like she did sometimes with me . I knew that she was having trouble getting off from this guy and that was too fucking bad . She never had a problem with me . " Oh , oh , oh , I 'm cumming , I 'm cumming . Play with my tits ! Twist the nipples . That 's it , that 's it . Oh , oooooooooo ! " Same thing with the words . Sally never called them her tits . They were her boobs . Strange . Then the tape was silent for a few more minutes while they caught their breath . Then the part that tore my heart out . " Well , this is your reward for taking me to the theater tonight . I wanted to go for so long and that clod of a husband of mine wouldn 't take me and even if he did you know he 's too stupid to understand it . I don 't even know why I married him . " " Well , anytime you want to go to the theater or to a museum or anything else like that , just give me a call . Even if you just want to fuck , call me . Just don 't make it so long in between . " " I 'll let you know when the next time will be . You 'll have to wait till I can be sure it 's safe . OK ? " Then there was the sound of laughter and then I heard the shower running . They both went in the bathroom and they were gone so long , I assumed he was going to fuck her again in there , but I heard Sally come back into the room alone . After that , the tape was just sounds of them getting dressed and him getting ready to leave . It was just about two hours before I was due home from my shift . There was more but I didn 't bother to listen to it . I had all I needed now . I pushed the rewind and ejected the tape from the little recorder that I had set up . I had microphones in all of the rooms in the house , courtesy of Radio Shack . ' Simple to use and easy to install . Guaranteed to work or your money back ! ' I had set them up over a month ago but this was the first time they had picked up anything . I was sorry that they did this time . But , better the devil you know than the one you don 't . I knew the guy . His name was Phil Sutton . He was Sally 's boss and a big wheel in the company . This tape was made last night . I was working and I got home on time . As usual , Sally was already in bed and pretended to be sound asleep . Since I hadn 't heard the tape yet , and since nothing had happened before this , I didn 't think much about it . But I was off this morning and had the time to play the tape , as I did every morning after Sally went off to work . My shift work was rotating so this week I was working 4 - 12 in the evening so I was here all morning and into the afternoon . I usually slept when I came home so I was up by 9 : 00 the next morning . I sat there thinking about what I heard . I wasn 't as disturbed about the sex as I was what she had said about me . What she said hurt , very badly . I knew myself and I had no pretensions about my smarts , but Sally knew that when she married me . We had talked about it and she said that was one of the reasons she loved me . That I accepted her even though she was not as smart as me . She loved me and that was that . I believed her . Now , it appeared that she had lied to me then and was continuing to lie to me now . That was the part that I didn 't understand . She had never asked me to take her to any theater even though I had volunteered many times . She never expressed any interest in them and never wanted to go to a museum or to a play or the like . And she had never commented about my supposed lack of smarts . She often said that she thought I was smarter than I let on . Not true but nice to hear . I made a decision right then and there . I picked up the phone and called Personnel . I talked to Terry there and told her that I quit , effective now . I had five weeks of vacation coming and 15 days sick leave accumulated and I asked her to have the check sent to a PO box that I had taken out three weeks ago . Terry wanted to know a lot of stuff but I told her that I couldn 't give her the reasons . Just to put down personal and leave it at that . One last thing . I told her to keep this confidential until tomorrow . Not to tell anyone , including my wife . I told her that it was a matter of life and death and she finally agreed . One more day . She tried to make an appointment for me to come in for a termination interview but I refused . She finally gave up after I agreed to call in one day next week . I decided to make my move now and not tell Meg anything . She would try to talk me out of it and she would have to know why and I didn 't want to tell her just then . I packed all of my clothes , using a whole box of plastic garbage bags . They worked and they were cheaper than luggage and a lot easier to carry . It only took me about an hour and a half since I wasn 't being too careful . I cleaned out my bath stuff and carried the whole lot down to my Ford F - 250 . I loaded it up and went back in to collect some of my electronic crap . While I was at it , I collected all of the microphones I had installed . I used to be in Intelligence for the Army so I had kept my hand in . Good thing too . Once that was loaded , I looked around and saw nothing that I wanted anymore . I was done here . I walked into the kitchen and got a notebook from the pantry shelf . I took off my wedding ring and set it on the kitchen table . I sat down and wrote a quick note to Sally . In effect it said , I know about you and that bastard Phil Sutton . I also know you think I 'm too stupid to take you to the theater and to places like that . I also know you 're sorry you married me . I will not cause you any grief . As soon as I can , I 'll call you and let you know where to send the divorce papers . I 'll try really hard to understand them . I put the note on the table with the ring on top . I stood up for the last time in this kitchen and looked at the letter and my ring on the table . It seemed so little to cause such a huge pain in my heart . The image blurred a little as I felt the tears begin to flow . I may be stupid but I know the end of my life when I see it . What the hell . I was going to be here for awhile . It beat sleeping in my truck but then again , almost anything would . I took the drink that the barkeep sat in front of me and tried to nurse it slowly instead of downing it as I wanted to . If nothing else , my late daddy had taught me that a double shot of good booze would make the pain more bearable , even though it wouldn 't take it away . As a matter of fact , two or three shots would be even better . I was well on my way to feeling great . As I sat there thinking of what my life had become , I noticed a cute redhead sitting next to me and watching me out of her heavy lidded eyes . I think they were green , or maybe blue or even gray . How the hell would I know , since I was already working toward drunk . She smiled at me and sort of leaned over toward me even though she was sitting on a barstool . Well , either that or she got somehow bigger . Since it was too much to worry about , I just smiled back and turned back to my drink . Well , that wasn 't going to suit her so she laid a hand on my shoulder and asked me if I wouldn 't like to move to a booth where we could be more comfortable . I finally stirred myself enough to suggest to her that I was close to broke and couldn 't afford her or anyone else . She simply laughed , told me she wasn 't a pro and said that she would buy if I would just keep her company . That was a bargain I couldn 't pass up so I just told the barkeep to keep them coming and stop when I was unable to say otherwise . We moved to a nice booth sort of off to the side and it was certainly much quieter there . I slumped into one side while she moved across from me . I tried to concentrate on her but just got the impression of a nice looking redhead , a good deal younger than me and very nicely dressed . Even through my booze soaked consciousness I wondered why she was with someone like me . I finally got up the energy to ask her . She just smiled at me and reached out a hand to lay over mine . Her touch was soft and warm and I had to admit , very nice . It was enough to make me remember what I was doing there . I pulled my had back quickly because that was the last thing I wanted . But she answered . " I was sitting at the bar when you came in . I could tell you were hurting about something but I just watched for awhile . I saw you knocking back those doubles and you seemed to be a man on a mission . A mission to get drunk and forget . Am I right ? " That 's what I told her , but I didn 't go into any detail . I just told her that I was trying to forget some bad things that happened to me and this seemed the easiest way to do it . She nodded like she actually knew what the hell I was talking about . Like someone that looked like her would have any idea . Hah ! " Would you like to tell me your story ? I 'm just in town for tonight and then tomorrow it 's back to business and then home . I 've nothing I need to be doing and nowhere to go tonight anyway . I 'd love to hear about you and I think maybe it might help if you told someone what 's going on with you . I 'll just listen and not judge . And , I 'll pay for the privilege . " " I meant that I 'll buy the drinks if you tell the tale . And , no I don 't want to buy your services , even though you look like you would be quite good in the sack . That would just confuse my already confused life . " Well that got me . Good in the sack ? Well , that was a crock since that was one of the reasons I was sitting here trying to get drunk . At least , I thought it was since I apparently couldn 't satisfy my wife . And anyway , I did want to talk about it and I didn 't have a whole lot of money so if she was buying , I could talk . I finally agreed and told her to order me a double and to also have Hank , the barkeep , bring a pot of coffee . I was about to sober up , but not until I had one more for the tale . I introduced myself to the nice lady and told her my name was Jimmy Overton . Not Jim or James , just Jimmy . That 's what everyone called me . She told me her name was Tiffany Eeams . Not Miss or Mrs . , just Tiffany . And yes , I tried to see if she had on a ring but I didn 't see one . Good enough . I took the double and downed it in one shot . I grimaced , took the pot of coffee and poured a cup . A sip was enough to get the pucker out of my mouth and let me begin . This is the story I told her . As I said , my name is Jimmy Overton . I was born and raised in the Ohio Valley around a small town called Richmond . My dad was a coal miner and worked in the strip mines around the area . That 's what they had then , open strip mines . They weren 't pretty , but they also didn 't cave in and trap people . But that 's another story . When I was just about , twelve my mom got really sick and I stayed home from school and tried to help her when dad was working . In order to help with the medicines and the treatments she needed , dad was working fifty and sixty hours a week with overtime , as much to earn the extra money but more so to avoid having to watch mom sicken further . It brought in a lot of money but none of the medicines the docs prescribed seemed to help much . Mom stayed very sick for the next two years and she finally died when I was fourteen . I was broken up about it but my dad was almost destroyed by it . He went back to work after the funeral but he didn 't slow down much . He worked a lot of double and triple shifts and he was driving himself into an early grave . I tried to talk to him but he just told me to mind my own business . I did for a while but then it got to me . I had to get away from there and from him . When I turned sixteen , I left . I just left pop a note telling him I was leaving , packed a bag with whatever I had at the time and I put it in the pickup that dad kept around just for hauling stuff . I drove off and never looked back . One thing I should say about that time . I dropped out of school when I left . I was only in the ninth grade then anyway . I was held back a couple of times but not because of any problems with mom 's sickness or dad 's working . I was just not very smart . As a matter of fact , my IQ was just barely hanging onto the bottom half of average . I wasn 't stupid , but I was ignorant about a lot of things . English and math and chemistry and history were a few of them . School wasn 't going to do it for me and if I stayed , I would just get further behind . I chucked it and never went back . I drove for the next two days and finally ended up in Kentucky . Just outside Louisville . I decided that this was as good a place as any and found the local park where I could leave my truck and began to look for a job . I was going to tell people that I was eighteen and that I wanted a full time job . That wasn 't hard since I was already 6 ' 4 " and weighed a good 255 pounds . I played some football in high school but I couldn 't keep my grades up enough to stay on the team . Anyway , I found a job at a local dairy farm and worked as a farm hand . It was good , hard work and I actually enjoyed it . I was strong even then and did my job well and I was rewarded by a raise and I was given more responsible things to do . I stayed there at that farm for the next three years . I found a small apartment to live in and I saved a good deal of money . I was able to replace that pickup with a better one and I settled down as a respectable citizen . It had to be the fall of the third year when I got the bug to make a move . I was almost twenty and I was full grown and able . I didn 't know what I wanted to do but I knew that I didn 't really know shit so I decided that I would join the army . I could probably get me a GED and maybe learn a trade that I could use to make a decent living when I got out . My mind made up , I enlisted and ten weeks later , I was an army corporal and on my way to Germany . I was finally going to see some of the world outside . I couldn 't wait . Little did I know . Well , you probably don 't know much about the army but it 's true what they say . If you don 't know what you 're doing , they 'll probably make you an officer . Well , believe it or not , the army decided to give me a trade . They assigned me to Intelligence school . No shit ! Intelligence ! Me , who didn 't even graduate from high school and who thought army intelligence was something that got good honest soldiers in trouble and often dead . Well , to make a long story short , they did , and I did it like everything else I did , I did it as well as I could . Damned if it wasn 't more than enough ! It was mostly electronics and computers and other shit like that but it seems I had an aptitude for it . At least that 's what they told me my testing showed . Who am I to question testing ? By the time my enlistment was up , I decided I really liked this Intelligence stuff and I re enlisted as a sergeant . I know that doesn 't sound like Intelligence to a lot of people but it was what I wanted to do . Eight years later , I mustered out of the Army Intelligence Corp as a Master Supply Sergeant . I had moved into the supply area and I had learned about all types of electronic stuff used by the spooks and spies . It didn 't require a lot of thinking but I did know my shit when it came to the tools of the trade . Anyway , I was a free man and I had a trade . Damned if mom wouldn 't be proud of me if she had lived . She was the only person ever told me I was worth something . I always said I would prove her right . I moved back to Kentucky and settled in . I needed a job but not one in an office . That may surprise you but it 's true . Even with my experience , all I wanted was a grunt job . I found one in a local paper mill as a laborer and I took it because I wanted a job that would let me go to work but not have to think too hard . I needed that right then and that was all I wanted . I signed up to work the night shift , leaving my days free . I felt good and I was in top physical shape so I began to save my money so that I could do what I wanted . I didn 't yet know what that was . Time passed and I was settling in pretty well . It was about that time that I got a call from some lawyer telling me that pop had died and I was his only living relative . Seems he left me a nice piece of change after all the bills were paid . More than I ever would have thought he could have . Well , it went into the bank . I was now an old man of thirty - five and I had a nice nest egg for myself . I owned a small house just inside the city limits free and clear , I had a nice car and I had all the food I wanted to eat . Life was good . Since I was single , I went out some evenings to a local bar and grill that I liked . It was noisy on the weekends and a lot of the guys I worked with came there so it was like a local hangout . I was sitting with a couple of my shift guys when three women walked in . I immediately locked on to this one girl in the middle . She was about my age ; very tall for a woman ; very pretty with long black hair and even longer legs and she was a knockout . I couldn 't take my eyes off of her . I asked one of my buds who she was and he just snickered . " Do yourself a big favor Jimmy boy and forget her . That 's Sally McDonald . She works in the mail room and she 's called the Ice Princess . She comes in every so often and just watches the other girls dance and look for guys . She never dances with anyone and she just stays until about midnight and then she leaves , always alone . Most of the guys have hit on her but she won 't give them the time of day so leave it be . " Well , that would be the smart thing to do , but remember that I wasn 't very smart . I watched as her two friends went off to dance and I decided that now was the time . Amid some hoots and hollers from my buds , I walked over to the bar where she was sitting and sat down beside her . She ignored me for a few seconds and then turned my way . I saw her eyes widen just a little and she sort of flushed . At least I think that 's what you call it when someone 's face gets a little red and such . With that she signaled the barkeep for another beer . I had one too and tapped the open top to hers in a salute . She smiled at me and took a sip . I decided to see if she would talk to me . " Sally McDonald , and I know who you are . I 've seen you when you come up to the Plant Manager 's office sometimes . The mailroom is right across from his office door . It 's nice to finally meet you too . " " I guess I 've never looked over your way cause I would have remembered seeing you . That 's a shame since you are certainly nice to look at . Would you like to dance ? I 'm not very good but I 'm willing to give it a whirl if you are . " With that , we walked to the dance floor and we danced together for the next three songs . She felt so good in my arms and she was easy to talk to and to dance with . She didn 't seem to be put off by my lack of smarts or my language skills . We got along like we had known each other for years . We walked back to my table and she sat with me and the guys for a while . It was clear that she was very shy but she was nice to my friends . The guys were really impressed and they were very nice to her and she seemed to enjoy their company . Of course , she sat beside me all the time so I was the one impressed . Someone like her with someone like me . Well , it seemed too good to be true but for this one night it was great . Right about midnight , Sally let me know that she had to get going for home . I asked if I could drive her , but she said she had her own car . The other girls would always find their own way home so she could leave anytime . I hated to see her go and told her so . She took a little card out of her purse and gave it to me . On the back , she had written her home phone number . " You can call me at work anytime but please don 't call my home phone after 7 : 00 . I live with my mother and she 's not well . She usually goes to bed about that time . This is my only night free so I always come here until midnight . That 's when her nurse leaves . " I walked with her out to her car and waited until she opened the door . She turned to say goodnight and I took a shot and leaned in to kiss her . She tensed for a second but relaxed and seemed to enjoy it . She kissed me back before quickly getting in her car . She shut the door , smiled widely at me and then left . I stood there staring at her until she was out of sight . I went back into the bar and the guys were waiting for me . I was the subject of several rounds of drinks and a lot of pats on the back for cracking the Ice Princess . On of my friends said something about it being right that both of us were a little slow but that I had moved really fast . Hell , I was just happy that she noticed me . I had no illusions about any more than that . I finished up the evening almost too drunk to drive home but I made it without mishap . God watches out for drunks and little kids , my daddy always said . Well , two days later , I called Sally at work and asked her out on a date . She accepted ! How about that ? I picked her up that Friday night and we went to a nice place for dinner and then we went to one of the bars where they had been dancing . We spent the evening dancing and talking and it was great . I really had a nice time and I wanted more . When I walked her to her door , I asked her if I could see her again and she said yes . We made plans for another date and that was the beginning . I quickly found that Sally was fun to be with and she seemed to be happy to let me make all the decisions . She seemed smart enough to me but she didn 't feel that secure . Well , she made me feel really smart . We dated for more than six months before I made my move . I had taken Sally to dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in our little town and then we went to one of the hotels for after dinner drinks and dancing . Sally loved to dance and I had gotten much better at it over the past few months . I actually took lessons to get better and she seemed to be very pleased with me . We danced as often as we could . That evening was especially nice since we were both dressed up and we looked really good together . We had danced a fast number and we were both just a little winded so we sat down to catch our breath . I decided this was the time . " Sally , I have a room reserved here in the hotel . I 'm not trying to force you into anything but I really like you and I hope we can become more than just boyfriend and girlfriend but that will take some time . But for now , would you come up to the room with me ? " Well , as far as I was concerned , dancing was done for the night . I got the check , paid the waitress and took Sally by the hand . We walked as fast as we could without looking like fugitives and found the elevators . On the way up , I took Sally in my arms and kissed her breathless . I had a hard on and she could feel it pressing into her stomach . She didn 't back away so I knew it was OK . The doors opened and we walked down the hall hand in hand to room 515 . I got the swipe card out and fortunately it worked the first time . They always seemed to give me trouble . We tumbled into the room , pulling at each other 's clothes trying to get the other naked . We fell onto the bed and finally all clothes were off and we were naked in each other 's arms . I began to kiss my way down Sally 's beautiful body . I kissed her face , her neck , that hollow in her throat , down between her nicely rounded tits and then to her belly . Once I had gone that far , Sally was breathing heavily and she was shivering . I proceeded down one of her thighs and across to the other and back up to that the valley between her beautiful legs . When I reached that valley , she gave a huge sigh and moved her legs apart , giving me access and permission . I kissed those lower lips and used my tongue to give her pleasure . She was moving almost constantly now and I could hear her breath coming in gasps . I took one of my fingers and pushed into her wet cavern and began to move it around inside her . She was now moving her hips up forcing her pussy against my hand and she was moaning almost continuously . I put two more fingers inside her and used my tongue on her protruding clit . I began to pump my fingers in and out as I nibbled on her button . She was close , so very close . I picked up the pace and my fingers were moving at a blur as I felt her vaginal muscles squeeze my fingers as her legs came together to clamp my head . She came with an explosion that almost crushed my skull . She was humping my hand with a vengeance until she suddenly bowed up off the bed and stayed that way for ten to fifteen seconds . I waited , hardly able to breathe until she collapsed down onto the bed . I gave her a while to come to her senses , spooning against her while I continued to caress her tits and her legs . She really had a beautiful body . I could just lay there and watch her for hours . She finally opened her eyes and gave me a huge smile . " Oh , I did . But now you have to come here and let me give you the same pleasure . I want to feel you and see you . " As she said that , she moved down the bed until her face was even with my cock . I waited , holding my breath , until she could see it clearly . I was concerned about her reaction . I was pleasantly surprised . Now I have to tell you what I was concerned about . As you can see , I 'm a very big man . Tall , heavy and well built . I 'm also very big down there . That 's a gift from my daddy . He was big too and he always bragged about pleasing the women . I didn 't know about that but I saw him and he was just as big as me . As a matter of fact , I know of a few women I was with that couldn 't take me in . A couple said that it was just too big and it hurt . So I was always careful before having sex with girls . But apparently it didn 't bother Sally . But like I said , she was a big woman too . Sally proceeded to take me in almost to the base and I was mightily impressed . I had never met a woman who could do that . She moved down on my shaft until her nose was pressed into my lower belly . I felt her throat muscles relax and I was probably down in her throat a few inches . She held me there for a second or two and then pulled back . God , it was really great and I just groaned to let her know . She reached up for my hands and put them on the back of her head , wanting me to show her what to do . Well , I was just not strong enough to be calm and cool so I just did what she asked and began to fuck her face . Not smooth , not controlled , just pure lust . I moved in and out until I could feel her relax and then I just let it go . I pumped in and out while holding her head steady until I felt the sperm start to move up my shaft . I let her know what was coming and she just put her hands on mine and held them there . I took the hint and started to piston in and out until the cum boiled out . Directly into her throat . It was the most wonderful blowjob I had ever experienced . I must have shot into her for 30 to 40 seconds before the stuff stopped flowing . Unbelievable ! I let my hands drop and she let me go , now limp and satisfied .

My name is Regina and I am an African - American woman with two young children , Brianna and Jesse . They are the love of my life and I want to provide the very best life for them that I can . We used to live with my mother in Philadelphia , Pennsylvania until I earned enough to get our own place . My mother looked after my two children while I work as a personal assistant to a fashion designer . I work long hours and sometimes I have to miss school plays or homework , but I love my children very much and they know that I would do anything for them . I am thirty - five years old with a curvy body that makes a man beg for it . I have a caramel complexion with brown eyes and long braids down to my waist . I wear glasses which do come in handy when I have to do a lot of reading for my boss . I love my job and wouldn 't trade it for the world , except for my kids . I love watching television , going to the clubs every blue moon with my girlfriends , and I am an avid reader of books . I especially like fictional books which have you on the edge of your seat . My daughter Brianna is the oldest of the two and is seven years old while my son , Jesse , is only four years old . Brianna is a skinny girl with dark brown eyes and loves to have her hair in pigtails . My son is completely the opposite where he is a little chubby boy with a shaved head and he wears glasses as well . They are a handful but my mother loves her grandchildren to death . I have been working as a personal assistant for about nine years now and my boss is the coolest person . She gives me time off when one of my kids are sick or if I just need some down time . I personally run all of her errands for her and make most of her business calls . She is always so busy running around making deals and designing new outfits , and she does dabble a little in home decorating , so I guess you could say she has two professions . She is a remarkable person who is quite a bit older than I and all that gray hair on her head shows it . She is an older woman who has a brilliant mind and a creative flair for fashion . One of my jobs is to make sure all the models are on time for their fittings and that all of the events are well planned . I have even had the opportunity to mingle with other famous designers and celebrities . That 's one of the highlights of my life other than my children being born . After working for about the last three years I have saved enough money to move my family into a place of our own , so my mother and I went to search for a place for my kids and I . We finally found an apartment big enough for my children and I to thrive in . It was on the first floor and it had three bedrooms . It was in a subtle part of Philadelphia where there was not that much crime and I didn 't have to fear for my children 's safety . My mother liked it and I was pleased with how clean and organized it was , so I signed the rental agreement and went home with my mother to begin packing up my family for the move . The next day I rented a moving truck to load my family 's belongings into to take to the new apartment . Box after box we put into the truck and almost bumping into each other a few times , but we were getting it done . The kids were excited about having their own rooms and I was excited about being on our own , even though I love my mother , I just felt that my children pushed her to her limits most times . Once the truck was packed and we were ready to go , my mother followed us in her car to help us unpack . My boss knew the situation and was okay with me taking a few days to get settled in . We pulled up in the apartment complex parking lot and got as close to the apartment and remotely possible . There we started carrying boxes into the new apartment and the kids were just too excited for me . I felt they were running me ragged at first . Then came the fighting and arguing over who got which room . It took all I had to get through this day . Well , we were all unpacked and it was time to take the rental truck back , so my kids jumped into the car with my mother and followed me back to return the truck . Then , I got into the car and headed back to the apartment to sort through the mess . My mother helped out by unpacking the kitchen and putting things away while the kids were tackling their rooms and I rummaging through mine . It took the better of one whole day to get most of everything where it was supposed to be . We ordered pizza for dinner because I had not bought any groceries yet for the apartment but would go shopping after we got through taking care of the apartment . My mother finally got the kitchen done when the pizza arrived at the door . I opened the door to a young delivery boy with my hot pizzas . He didn 't look like much , but hey he had a paying job which is more than I can say for most young boys . Most young African - American boys think about being thugs and drug dealers , so it 's nice to see an honest hard - working one make it in life . I took the pizza to the living room and called for my mother to bring plates and napkins while calling for the kids to come eat . We all sat around the coffee table on the floor and dug into the hot pizza . Everything was turning out okay at this point . The kids made a mess while eating and my mother just laughed . They were enjoying themselves and seem to be a little happier in our new place . After finishing the pizza and getting done with unpacking , my mother gave her hugs and kisses as she departed for home . I really appreciate the help that my mother has been . I don 't honestly think we would have made it this far without her . After she left the kids went back to their rooms to finish cleaning it up and putting things away while I cleaned up the pizza mess . It was getting a little late now and the kids needed to have their baths before bed . I got Brianna into her bath while chasing Jesse around with his clothes in my hand . He was more of a mischief - maker than Brianna , who was more level - headed . After getting Brianna out of the bath , wrapping her in a towel , and sending her to her room to get her pajamas on , it was time to get Jesse into his bath . Bath time was always fun with Jesse but they really need to make a bath apron for parents so we don 't get all wet when bathing a child . Picking Jesse up and out of the bath tub and wrapping him in a towel I thought I heard Brianna calling for me . I grabbed up my wet son wrapped in his towel and carried him into Brianna 's room . I asked her if she had called me and she quickly replied " no " . I thought it strange because I definitely thought I heard her calling my name , but anyway , time to get Jesse into his pajamas and into his bed . Once I got him tucked in it was time for his nightly story of pirates and swashbucklers . I got his book from the shelf and sat down on the bed next to him while wrapping my arm around him to prop up his head . I opened the book and began reading it to him when I felt this cold chill that seemed to linger . I got up and checked his window and then went into the hallway checking the thermostat to see what the temperature reading was . It said that it was seventy - nine degrees in the house and I thought that very odd that there was a chill in his room . So , I went back into his room and got comfortable with him and again began reading to him . He was very assertive and excited about the pictures and my reading to him , but soon he was fighting sleep and his eyes getting very low . I think I read about another ten minutes before noticing him fast asleep . I closed the book and gently got up from his bed not waking him . I placed the book back on the shelf and picked up a few of his dirty clothes from the floor . i made sure he was sound asleep before closing the door and heading to Brianna 's room . Brianna was dressed in her pajamas and ready to be tucked into bed . So we got her under the blankets and I leaned down to kiss her forehead telling her good night . As I began leaving the room she stopped me and asked if I would close her closet door for her before turning out the light . I walked over to her closet looking inside and felt the eeriest feeling . So I closed the door and again told her goodnight before leaving her room . As I walked towards my room I started hearing soft little voices but I couldn 't make out what they were saying . I pushed it off as a figment of my imagination and the fact that I was exhausted from the move . I went and soaked in a nice hot bath and relaxed the muscles for a bit . As I lay there with my eyes closed relaxing , I could feel that cold chill again even with me being in a hot bath . I couldn 't put my finger on where it was coming from . I went ahead and got out of the hot bath so not to get pneumonia and wrapped myself up in my towel . As I walked back into my room I could sense that someone was watching me but how , there was no windows in my bedroom . It felt like piercing eyes watching me and making the hairs on my arms stand up and tingle . I couldn 't let go of this feeling and decided to call it a night and get into my warm bed . I climbed into bed and I don 't think it took long for me to fall asleep but it seemed like I was dreaming just that quick . It was as if I had just closed my eyes and opened them into another world which was hazy and bright . I could see a shadow of a short man walk by and all I heard were whispers , just like the ones I heard earlier . It was eerie enough to force myself to wake up . I sat up in bed and looked around but saw nothing so I laid back down and tried to go to sleep again . This time it was uneventful and peaceful . When morning came , I woke up smelling coffee brewing and hurried to the kitchen to find out who was here making coffee . I arrived in the kitchen to find my daughter standing on a chair over the coffee maker where she greeted me with a huge grin and said that she had made coffee for me . When I looked in the pot it looked awfully strong , so I asked her how she made it . It wasn 't the answer I had hoped for but she said she put three scoops of coffee in the filter which is a bit much even for me , being that I live off of coffee . To keep her happy I drank what she poured into my cup and went over to the table where my son was eating some cold cereal , which by the way , had more milk in it than a cow could possible produce at once . He did enjoy his cereal so as long as he was happy I remained happy . It was then time for me to take my daughter to school and my son to daycare . We grabbed everything we needed and ran out the door to get into the car . I first put my stuff into the front passenger side seat before opening the back passenger side door for my daughter to get in . Meanwhile my son was running around the car yelling at the top of his lungs that his shoe was untied . I grabbed him on his second time around the car and got him into his side and into his car seat where I could tie his shoe so he would calm down . I quietly got inside the driver seat and took a deep breath . I had a few days off from work to do some things around the new apartment to get more settled in . So , I dropped my children off and headed for the grocery store to stock up the refrigerator and cupboards before they came home that afternoon . I remembered that I left my cell phone on the kitchen counter and decided to go by the apartment to get it before heading to the store . When I walked inside the apartment it felt like twenty degrees in there . I walked over to the thermostat and checked it again and it told me the same thing , that it was seventy - nine degrees in the apartment . I could not figure it out so i went to get my phone which I knew I left it on the counter but wasn 't there when i got there . That boggled my mind because I could have sworn I left it on the counter . I searched and searched through the apartment but still no luck on finding it . I called my mother using the house phone and asked her to call my cell so I could retrieve it . I waited about fifteen minutes and then she called me back and said she tried calling it but it just rang and rang . I didn 't hear it at all . I could not figure out where I left it and tried looking through the house again , but no luck . I told her thank you and hung up but then tried calling it myself thinking maybe my mother must have dialed the wrong number . When I dialed it from my house phone it rang only three times and then this man answered it . I was dumbfounded as to how this man got my cell phone . He sounded a bit like an older man and when I asked him how he got my phone he just hung up . I tried dialing it again because I thought he was so rude but this time he didn 't answer it and it just rang several times . I went into my bedroom and searched in there looking under the bed , in my sheets , but then it dawned on me how could it be in my bed when a strange man answered it . So I headed back out to the kitchen and when I arrived it was sitting right there on the counter where I thought I had left it . That was strange , it wasn 't there a minute ago . Instead of thinking too hard about it , I headed out to the grocery store . I walked up and down the aisles picking up food my kids would like when I noticed some people staring at me . Instead of being rude I just politely said hello but they quickly turned and hurried away . I think I remember one of them from the apartment complex I live at . Could that be one of my neighbors ? I thought , but they could have said something nice back instead of running away like I was some leper . When I got to the checkout stand , the checkout girl looked at me funny and then smiled weirdly at me . I asked her if there was a problem and she politely but nervously said " no , ma ' am " . She asked if I was the family who moved into apartment two o seven at the apartment complex down the street . It astounded me how she knew exactly which apartment I had moved into , but I acknowledged her with a yes and a smile . Once I checked out I started taking my groceries to the car when I noticed that people were still being weird and staring at me . I couldn 't let it stress me so I finished putting my groceries in the car and got in buckling up and starting the car . As I drove through the parking lot toward the exit , I noticed how people were still watching me . It was like being in one of those creepy horror movies with pod people or something . I drove past them smiling and saying hello until I got out of the parking lot . Once I got back to the apartment and started carrying the groceries into the house , the minute I walked into the house i dropped the bag of groceries on the floor . I looked around and every cabinet in my kitchen was open , they were empty but wide open . I did not leave my cabinets open when I left . Did someone come into my apartment while I was gone ? I got on the phone and called the rental office asking if the maintenance guy came in for something but they told me they never sent anyone . Who could have been in my apartment and opened up all of my cabinets ? I discarded the thought quickly and began picking up my groceries off of the floor . I sat them on the counter and began going around and closing all the cabinets . I turned around to go use the bathroom and when I came back all of my cabinets were open again . I could not believe what my eyes were seeing , I just closed those cabinets and now they 're open again . What is going on here ? I closed them again and put the groceries away and started finishing the unpacking I had left to do . I went into my bedroom and grabbed some boxes to unpack and placed them on the bed . There I stood next to the bed and began taking items out of the boxes and putting them away . As I was going through a box I could feel something standing directly behind me . It was a cold chilling feeling and I could almost feel someone 's hot breath on the back of my neck . I dropped everything and quickly turned around to see what was behind me . There was nothing . I thought to myself could I be going crazy , am I overworked , or what ? I quickly finished unpacking and doing a little cleaning before getting dinner started . My daughter will be getting off of the bus soon and my mother is picking up my son from daycare to bring him home . It is so nice to still have her helping us even though we don 't live with her anymore . I guess this is her way to still be able to see her grandchildren . I wasn 't going to stop her or complain about it , it was taking some pressure off of me . It was exactly three fifteen when my daughter came in the door from school and anxious to see me . She had her report card from school and my daughter had made all A 's except for one B in her class . I was so proud of her and told her to go put it up on the refrigerator so I can always see how proud I am of my baby girl . She walked over and took a magnet off of the refrigerator and placed her report card right in the middle so I could see it . Then my mother came in with my son and saw that I was in the middle of getting dinner cooked so she got him settled and playing with his toys while she came back in to the kitchen and helped me with dinner . She joined us for dinner at the kitchen table and after the children had eaten and left the table , I offered her some coffee so that I can talk to her alone . I started telling her about what has been happening and the man answering my cell phone and told her that I felt like I was going crazy . She asked me if anything else has been happening and did I feel the children were safe . I hasten to tell her I did not feel threatened or that my children were in any kind of danger . I told her it was just little things that were happening . She replied to that statement with if anything else happens or it gets worse for me to bring the children to her house until we can deal with it correctly . We chatted for a bit longer before she got up to leave for home . I called the children in to give grandma goodbye hugs and kisses and after that I followed her to the door and said our goodbyes . As I closed the front door after saying goodbyes , I could hear the children talking so I headed for the living room where they were . When I arrived into the room there was a silence as if they were hiding something from me . When I asked what they were talking about , they just said they were playing . I went ahead and accepted that and headed to the kitchen to wash the dinner dishes and clean up before it was time for the children to take a bath . While I was in the kitchen I had gotten that eerie feeling like I had earlier about someone watching me , but this time it came with a sense of being cold . It was almost like standing outside in the snow kind of cold . I couldn 't shake it but went ahead and finished the dishes , got the kitchen cleaned , and started bath time . Brianna was quick to take her bath and head to bed while with Jesse it was an every night thing with chasing him through the house . I love my children but bath time can be so exhausting at times . While in the bath , Jesse had asked me about the man in his room . When I asked him " what man ? " , he told me of the man who visited him in his room the night before . I started to wonder if my son had an imaginary friend or if he was so tired that he started seeing things that were not there . He described this man to me as being short and chubby , but he said he couldn 't see his face and that it was like a shadow of a man . I asked him if the man scared him and he replied with " no " . So , I got him out of the bathtub and took him to his room to put on his pajamas . After getting him dressed and telling him his bedtime story , I went to check on Brianna who seemed to be fast asleep when I got to her room . I leaned down and kissed her forehead and left the room closing the door behind me . I headed for my bedroom and as I walked through the hallway , it felt like a walked through something very cold . It was enough to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up but shook it off and headed for bed . I got myself into my night - shirt and climbed into bed . As I reached to turn off my lamp on the night stand I caught what appeared to be a shadow leaving my room . I held off on turning the light off and waited for a few minutes to see if it was real . After about ten minutes I decided it was nothing and turned my lamp off to go to sleep . Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to my covers being in the floor and wondered if I had a bad dream or got too hot and kicked them off . I reached down and grabbed them pulling them back up on me . I tried to get comfortable to go back to sleep when I saw the shadow of a man just like Jesse had stated standing at the foot of my bed . It scared me to death and then I started screaming at it " what do you want ? " and waited for it to answer me . Which I thought was a little crazy that I expect a shadow to answer me , to which it didn 't . I yelled for it to leave and not bother my children or myself anymore . It just stood there for a few minutes before disappearing right before my eyes . I waited a few minutes before laying back and going off to sleep . The next morning when I woke up , I put my robe on and headed for the kitchen to make some coffee . When I got into the kitchen every single cupboard was wide open and I noticed the children were still asleep . I thought to myself , " could this shadow be doing these things ? " I went around and closed all of them and started making coffee when I turned around and right in front of me was the shadow man again . I didn 't know what he wanted and didn 't know how to find out . It was not like I was psychic or anything to be able to translate what he wanted . I calmly asked him again what he wanted and again he just stood there . Then my son , Jesse , came running into the kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he saw the shadow man . I looked over at my son who couldn 't take his eyes off of the shadow man and I asked him if this is who was visiting him in his room ? He just nodded his head and finally looked at me and then walked over to get his cereal like it was no big deal . I asked him if he has talked to the shadow man and he said " no , he just stands there " . Well I didn 't know what to do so I carried on with my morning of getting the kids ready and off to school . Once I dropped them off at school I headed back to the rental office to ask some questions . When I got inside I asked teh receptionist if I could speak directly with the manager . She obliged me and went to get her . She offered for me to come have a seat in her office and then proceeded to ask me what the problem was . I politely informed her there was no problem as of yet but that I was curious as to who lived in that apartment before I moved into it . She looked at me kind of oddly and then started to smirk and asked me if Mr . Tooley was bothering me ? I asked her who Mr . Tooley was and she replied that he was an old tenant in that apartment who had died . I asked her what he died from and she just stated he was old and he died of natural causes . He was a pleasant man to be around . There was a nice couple who lived in that apartment right before you who couldn 't get past the fact that there was a ghost in it . She reassured me that Mr . Tooley was harmless and from what she can tell he was just lonely and enjoyed company . That was how he was in the living . So I thanked her for answering my questions and began walking out the door when she quickly asked me to tell Mr . Tooley she says hello . I looked at her and then shook my head at the matter . I went back to my apartment now knowing what or who the shadow man really was . As I walked in , I got that same cold feeling again and quietly said " hello Mr . Tooley " as I closed the door . When I turned around he was standing in the hallway and I just went by him to get my day started . As I started cleaning and folding laundry I had quiet conversations with Mr . Tooley which yes I know it might look like I 'm crazy but it was comforting to know I wasn 't alone in the apartment . So we had conversations everyday and sometimes he would sit in my overstuffed chair and it seemed like he was listening . He never spoke a work so I kept the conversations one - sided and it was nice . Now I know some of you think I 'm crazy already being a black person living with a ghost , when I should be running down the street screaming and dragging my children in tow . Mr Tooley never tried to hurt us or cause any harm , so we cohabited together peacefully . Now trying to explain this to my mother was a whole other story because she would be frantic knowing there was a dead presence in the house . I finally got around to telling her and even invited her over to meet Mr . Tooley . She was frightened and uneasy at first , but then she warmed up to Mr . Tooley and everything went on as normal . My children are pleased as punch to have a real life ghost in the house and my daughter Brianna is trying to figure out how to take Mr . Tooley to school for show and tell . Everything is running smoothly now and we are happy being in our own apartment and give thanks everyday . Also , we have invited Mr . Tooley to stay as long as he wants . My name is Brandi Payne and I have created this blog to announce my new endeavor of becoming a published author . I am 46 years old and I have plenty of books and stories inside my head . I am creating this blog to build my platform and to get feedback on my writings . I would love to share with the world all of the adventures that are just sitting here waiting to meet you . I have already written a children 's picture book for which I have submitted to Literary Agents for representation . I will be posting some of my writings as well as short stories here for you to read and please comment on . I love the feedback and it would help to make me a better writer . Should you have any ideas for a book please submit those in your comments . I have had experience in blog writing for previous employers and also storytelling . Please share your thoughts and enjoy my writing .

Authors Notes : This story takes place about a month after the movie Serenity ends . My story has some MAJOR spoilers for things that happen in the movie , so if you haven 't seen the movie , my advice would be to see the movie before reading this . A big thanks to Chrisie for helping me stay true to the Firefly universe . Thanks to Jenna for getting me thinking about Simon in the first place . And thanks to everyone who kept encouraging me to write it by giving me wonderful feedback . Written December 2005 . Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Disciplinary spanking of a teen by an authority figure - dubious consent . Non consensual disciplinary spanking of an adult by an authority figure . Mal sat in the pilot 's chair of Serenity thinking about and missing Wash while he watched the stars go by . He felt more then heard a presence behind him , and turned to find River at the bridge door looking out at the stars too . He said quietly , " It 's a mite late for you to be about . " River went over to the co - pilots chair and sat down . A comfortable silence fell over the cabin . Ten minutes later River said , " She won 't like any of them . " Mal thought about that , and realized what River was talking about . They had interviewed three pilots so far , and Zoe had had problems with all of them . Mal nodded in agreement . " Most likely , but we need one just the same . " River took one last look at the stars and got up to head for the quarters she shared with her brother Simon . The next morning at breakfast , after everyone except Jayne was done eating , Mal cleared his throat to get everyone 's attention . " We should reach Newview in about six hours . It 's way too close to the Core for my taste , but this guy , Bannon , says he can pilot the ship , and his references check out . " The room was silent for a few seconds . Simon continued , " At any rate , it 's gone and knowing our propensity for danger , I would highly recommend we get the medications now whether she recognized me or not . But I don 't think she did . " River looked back down at her plate and didn 't comment . Mal said , " I 'm thinking Kaylee and Inara are better suited to keeping our little albatross both happy and non violent then you are . " Jayne glared at River and said , " The only reason you got the better of me was ' cause I was tryin ' NOT to hurt you . " Jayne gave a glare to River and a slight nod of acceptance to Mal . Then he grabbed three biscuits off the table and walked away . Mal looked at Zoe and said , " Wake me when we 're in orbit . " Mal left , and the rest of the crew went about their usual business . Mal went and found Jayne . He was checking the tires on the mule to make sure it was in good working order . Jayne looked up at Mal as he approached . Mal said , " Do I have to go over what I expect when I send you out to protect one of the crew ? " Six and a half hours later Kaylee , Inara , and River were waving good bye , and closing the hatch on the ship . Mal and Zoe headed off in one direction on the hover sled , while Jayne and Simon headed in the other on the mule . Mal and Zoe arrived half an hour early at the bar where they were scheduled to meet Bannon . Mal looked around the bar and then at Zoe with a question in his eyes . The bar only had one other occupant besides the bartender . Mal had never seen a bar so empty . Zoe shrugged to indicate she didn 't understand what was going on either . Mal went up to the bartender and Zoe followed . Mal smiled and said , " You got any ale here in this fine establishment ? " Jayne drove Simon to the local hospital and parked the mule . Simon got off the back and looked expectantly at Jayne who was just sitting there . Simon said , " Are you coming ? " Jayne unbuckled the straps that were holding the box to the mule , and picked it up . He followed Simon into the hospital . The second they walked through the front door , Simon could tell that something was very wrong . There were sick people everywhere , and there were cots set up for patients in the hallway . At first Simon wondered if maybe they had come in the emergency entrance instead of the main entrance . He looked around and saw the front desk . He walked to it and a tired looking nurse got a new chart out and said , " Where has it started ? " Simon gave Jayne an exasperated look and said , " No of course not . " He turned back to the nurse and said , " I 'm sorry , I think you have me mistaken for someone else . I have an appointment to see Dr . Muriel Larsen . " The nurse looked up from her chart and took a long look at Simon . She didn 't take her eyes off him but picked up the phone and said , " Dr . Larsen , there is someone here to see you . A Mr . . " Simon ignored him . He was absorbed looking around at the patients . He could see that most of them had the same affliction in various stages . But it was something he had never seen before . Simon had an almost photographic memory , and he knew what he was seeing was something new . The people all had patches of skin covered in an orange colored rash . Some people were almost entirely covered , and others only had small patches . Simon could tell that the people who were entirely covered were seriously ill , and a few looked close to death . The doctor in him had to know more . A few minutes later a short brunette woman with pale skin walked into the room . She was wearing a white lab coat . She immediately spotted Simon and gave him a smile . She stuck out her hand to shake and said , " You must be Dr . Milton . " Simon nodded and followed her . Soon they were in a small office , and Jayne set the box down and sat on top of it to wait . Simon and Muriel sat on opposite sides of her desk . She said , " We received your list . Here is a copy of it , and I 've put a star next to the items we can 't provide for you . " Simon looked it over and was pleased . They had almost everything they needed . Each item had a price next to it , and he said , " Everything looks to be in order . Your prices are quite reasonable . I truly appreciate your generosity . " " We have discovered a new virus . I 've been working on trying to find a vaccine for the past month to no avail . I could really use a fresh opinion on the matter . " She nodded . Simon couldn 't wait to hear about it . " Let 's finish our transaction , and then I 'll be happy to take a look . " Simon and Jayne both followed her . They walked down the hall and to another door . There was a guard at the door , and Muriel showed the guard her ID . They all went into a supply room . Soon the metal box Jayne was carrying was full . Simon pulled out a pouch of platinum , and counted out the correct amount . He handed it over to the supply clerk . As they walked out of the supply room , Simon turned to Muriel and said , " Thank you very much . " Muriel nodded and walked down the hall a few feet . Simon lowered his voice and said , " You said hospitals make you uncomfortable . I 'm going to be here for at least two more hours , and if you wait here for me you 're going to be bored . Just take the supplies back , and then come back to get me . " Jayne opened his mouth to argue , but Simon was already walking towards Muriel with a smile . She took them to a large lab , and Jayne staked out a spot against the wall where he once again sat on the metal box full of supplies . Muriel showed Simon some pictures of people with various stages of the disease . She said , " The first case was almost a month ago . We had thirty - six cases on the same day . All of them were children who went to the same school . But the incubation period for the virus is about a week , so by the time we saw our first case , those children had been in contact with their family members , and then those family members had been in contact with their coworkers . " " We believe the original carrier of the virus was a stray dog . All the children who were infected had pet this dog during recess . The local law enforcement has been trying to find the dog all month . It 's most likely long dead . " Muriel sighed and said , " Once the rash starts , patients start to feel slightly ill , but within a week of having the rash , they have lung problems . I would say one out of every three people who have gotten to the last stage of the rash have survived to see the rash going away . They are left with an odd orange scarring around the abdomen . " " I wish I could say yes . We tried , but I 'm not sure if it has gotten out of the city . Most likely it has spread to some of the outlying countryside . There are three major cities on this moon , and I 'm certain that the other two have not been infected yet . I 'm in daily contact with doctors from both hospitals , and they have had no cases of it . " Mal and Zoe had moved to a table with their drinks , and they had almost finished them when a man walked in . He was tall with black curly hair and dark brown skin . He had a beard , and was wearing dark clothes . He scanned the room and walked directly up to Mal . He said , " Are you Malcolm Reynolds ? " " The epidemic . I 'm sure you saw the quarantine signs . Actually I was surprised you didn 't have me meet you at your ship instead of coming out here . " Ray lifted up his shirt to show them both some orange scarring on his stomach . He said , " I had it , but I got over it . The doctor said I was one of the lucky ones , and that I must have been in excellent health to start with , because only one in four who gets it lives to tell about it . He assured me I wasn 't contagious any more . " Mal looked at Zoe and nodded his head towards the door . Ray stayed at the table , and Zoe and Mal went to stand by the door to talk out of earshot . Mal said , " Seems worth a try . " Mal sighed and took a minute to think about how to say what he knew needed to be said . He put a hand on his friends shoulder and said , " Zoe . . we need a new pilot . ou haven 't liked any of them so far , and I 'm thinkin ' that 's gonna continue . " Zoe walked out to wait in the hover sled while Mal stayed where he was , feeling both sad for her and annoyed with her at the same time . He took a deep breath and went back to Ray . He said , " We 'll give you a try . If you can come to the docks right now , we 'll let you do a test drive . Then if everything goes well , we 'll take you on . And no offence to your doctor , but I 'm gonna have our doc check you out before I let you anywhere near my crew . " Ray nodded and said , " He has a monkey , but its name is Silver . I wanted to shoot that thing more then once . Always crapping on things , and stealing food . " Kaylee shook her head no . Mal took his short wave radio off his holster belt and pushed the button to talk . He said , " Jayne are you there ? " Jayne said , " The doc has some kind of hard on for figurin ' out about some virus . Or maybe it 's for the other doc . She 's kinda pretty in a . octor sorta way . ither way , he said he ain 't goin ' back yet . " Jayne smiled at Mal 's tone , and couldn 't wait to see Simon chewed out . He saw both Simon and Muriel on the other side of the lab and walked over to them . They turned to see him coming , and Jayne smiled mean as he handed Simon the radio . He said , " Captain wants to talk to you . " Simon bristled at the tone . He said , " This City is in desperate need of help . They 've lost almost half of their doctors recently , and they have an epidemic that has killed off one third of their population . I would like to stay here for a few more hours to see if I can help . " " I really don 't see why you 're having such a problem with this . We 're in a sterile lab , I 'm a highly trained doctor , and I 'm good at what I do . Don 't you think we should try to help people out when we can ? " Simon knew for sure that Jayne could have him unconscious with one punch , and that he would have fun doing it . Simon said , " I 'll go back , and try to talk some sense into the Captain . I 'm just going to go tell Muriel that I 'll be back later . " Simon walked back over to Muriel and said , " I 'm very sorry Muriel , but I 'm going to have to leave for a little while and take the supplies back to the ship . I 'm going to try very hard to come back here in a few hours to help you out some more . If I can 't come back , I 'll keep in contact with you and help you go over your work . " Simon was both surprised and a little scared . She quickly said , " I 'm sorry , but we 've lost so many doctors , and when you contacted me for supplies . . recognized your face , and I knew you would be able to help us . hat 's why I didn 't tell you about the quarantine , and I had the signs at the docks taken down . e need help Dr . Tam . ou 've worked at the best most advanced hospital the Alliance has . here isn 't anyone else on this moon that can bring us that kind of experience and knowledge . lease stay and help me before two thirds of the people on this moon are dead . can pay you . with supplies or with whatever money our hospitals can collect . " Simon looked behind him to see Jayne impatiently waiting by the box of supplies on the other side of the lab . Simon made a decision . He couldn 't just leave this alone , no matter what . He said quietly , " I promise I 'll be back tonight , and I 'll stay here until we find a vaccine , but you 'll most likely have to hide me from the Alliance if they show up , and maybe even from my other crew mates . " Kaylee didn 't like the way her two favorite men fought , and she could usually see both sides of their arguments , and see the sense in why each of them did what they did . She just nodded and looked away knowing Mal had to see to his crew before anyone else . Mal turned to Ray . He said , " We 've got about fifteen minutes to do a test run . " Ray followed Mal to the bridge . Mal looked back to see if Zoe was following too , and was pleased to see she was . He assumed this meant that she had cooled down some . Mal went back to the cargo bay and looked around . Everyone else had gone to do other work , so he was alone . He decided to look over the hover sled while he was waiting for Simon and Jayne to get back . As soon as he heard the cargo door start to open he walked over to it . He stood there with his arms crossed waiting . Jayne drove the mule to it 's usual spot in the cargo bay , and got off . Simon got off wearily not looking forward to the confrontation he was sure was about to happen . Mal kept his eyes on Simon but said to Jayne , " Jayne , take the supplies to the lab . " Mal let him go with a slight shove towards the door . He said , " Now get to the infirmary and do your job . We 've got us a new pilot , but I want a full physical on him before we take him anywhere . Make sure he 's not contagious . " Simon stumbled a little with the shove , but quickly got his footing . He glared at Mal , and then walked to the infirmary . He had originally thought there was a possibility of convincing Mal to let him stay there for a week so he could help , but now he understood that Mal would never let that happen . As he walked to his lab , he thought about what he was going to do . He nodded to Zoe as he arrived and she stood outside the door while Simon preformed the physical . Ten minutes later Simon opened the door and told Zoe that Ray was in perfect health . Zoe thanked him and had Ray follow her to find the captain . They found Mal still looking over the hover sled . Zoe said , " He checks out . " Ray left to go do his packing . Mal looked at Zoe and in way of reconciliation said , " Looks like we 're docked for the night . Want a drink ? " Zoe gave him a slight smile and a nod . They headed to the kitchen area together . Mal got out his good whisky and two glasses . He poured and they both stood at the counter to have a shot . Mal poured them both another , and held his up to his lips and then paused . He looked at Zoe and held up his glass . He said , " To Wash . " Zoe paused a second and then clinked her glass to his before tipping it up . She set it down with a click and said , " Requesting some personal time Sir . I 'd like to be alone in my room for the next twenty four hours . " Zoe walked away , and Mal poured himself one more before heading out to talk to Jayne about the hospital visit , and any possibility of infection for his crew . Simon stayed in the infirmary and put his new supplies away . Then he started thinking about the virus and the epidemic . He sat and jotted down some of his thoughts that he wanted to share with Muriel when he got back there . An hour after getting back to the ship Kaylee knocked on the infirmary door . He smiled at her and said , " Come in . " Simon took a minute to think about it and collect his thoughts . " It 's like I get lost in the lab . When I 'm there everything else disappears , and I know that I can solve the puzzle if I just have enough time to put the pieces together . I can end the pain , suffering , and death of thousands of people if I have enough time . " Kaylee felt for him . She knew exactly what he meant , because she felt the same way about the ship 's engine . She put a hand on his face and said , " But Simon , you can 't fix everyone . Family has to come first , or life just ain 't worth livin ' . " Simon got a little upset . " I 've sacrificed my entire career for my family . I don 't think it 's too much to ask to actually be of use once in a while in the career I gave up . " Kaylee said , " That ain 't what I meant . I meant . " aylee gave up , knowing Simon wouldn 't understand . I guess I just mean I missed you . " Kaylee nodded and headed out feeling bad for her boyfriend . Dinner that night was more of a somber affair then usual with the obvious empty spot where Zoe usually sat , and the spot right next to it where Wash used to sit . Mal and Simon avoided direct conversation , and Inara and Kaylee did most of the talking . Mal told everyone that Ray would be joining them first thing in the morning , and that then they would be off to look for work in some of the outer rim planets . When dinner was over Mal sat and looked at the two empty chairs for a while . Then he noticed the only person left at the table was Inara . He smiled at her and said , " Hope this stop hasn 't been too dull for you . " Mal interrupted , " Someone has to take his seat . I 'd rather it be someone Zoe calls a friend then some stranger . Especially when that stranger is taking over her husband 's job . " Mal shook his head . " She 's missin ' him , and it 'll take some time , but she 'll be alright . She 's seen more then her share of death over the years . It 's never easy , but you do become more accustom to it then you 'd like to admit . " Late that night , Simon lay in bed staring at the ceiling trying to get up the courage to follow through with his plan . He looked over at Kaylee sleeping next to him . She spent most nights in his quarters rather then her own lately . He thought she was beautiful . He absently wondered how upset she would be about what he was planning . He knew she would be a little mad , but he thought she would forgive him because she would understand why he was doing it . Mal on the other hand would not . He wasn 't sure what Mal would do about it , but he was pretty sure it would be unpleasant . He thought it could very well get him and his sister kicked off the ship . But River was a lot better now , and he thought they could easily change names and hook up with another ship . He also thought he could talk Kaylee into coming with him . Simon sighed and thought about the other option . Mal might shoot him , or beat him up . Simon thought the odds of Mal shooting him were low , and if he did shoot him , Simon was sure it would be non - lethal . Simon had been shot twice since being with Serenity , and it wasn 't an experience he wanted to relive . But Simon thought the best odds lay with getting punched and yelled at a lot . Simon had been punched a few times , but not much . He had never been punched before his life on the run with River . He didn 't exactly want to step into that either , but he decided saving a few thousand people was worth the pain of a punch or two . He took one more look at Kaylee and slipped out of bed trying not to wake her up . He quickly got dressed , and pulled the small overnight bag out from under his bed . He had packed right after dinner before Kaylee came to see him . He took a letter out from the side of his overnight bag and put it on the pillow next to Kaylee . He walked out and shut the door behind him . He walked over to River 's room and hesitated at the door . He wasn 't sure if it would be better to tell River or not . He suddenly had the stray thought that he never could have done this if River hadn 't gotten ' better ' . If River He opened the door and saw River sitting on her bed looking at him expectantly . He was slightly caught off guard and said with surprise , " You 're awake . " Simon looked behind him and then walked into her room . He closed the door behind him . He put his bag down and went to sit on the edge of River 's bed . He said , " There are thousands of people sick on this moon . I want no I need to go help them . ill you be okay without me for a week ? " " When they get it , they can 't breath . They suffocate to death . Suffocation isn 't the worst way to go . A little like falling asleep . " Simon gave her the smile that only she could bring out in him . It was a mix of affection , exasperation , and joy . He kissed her forehead and got up . He turned around to say something , but before he could River said , " I will . " River rolled her eyes , lay down on her pillow , and turned to her side so that her back was to him . " I 'll behave . I 'll do what Mal says , I won 't start a fight with Jayne , and I 'll help Kaylee not to miss you . " Simon walked out and shut the door behind him . He took a look around the living area they shared and then walked up the stairs to the main hall . As quietly as possible he opened and then shut the hatch door to their quarters , and prayed he hadn 't woken anyone up . He made his way to the main hatch , and pushed the button for it to open . He couldn 't believe how loud the hatch was . It didn 't seem that loud during the day . He kept looking behind him expecting half the crew to come running . But soon the hatch was open , and no one had come . Simon took a deep breath , and pushed the button for the hatch to close . As it was slowly closing , he jumped out and started running down the dock . Once he got to the end of the dock he started walking . He looked behind him a few times , but found no one . He looked around him and found that while the town had seemed slightly dead during the day , it was a creepy kind of dead at night . He kept a brisk pace , and ended up at the hospital forty - five minutes later without encountering another soul . He went in the emergency entrance , because the main entrance was closed . It was mostly empty . He went to the nurse on duty and said , " Excuse me , I 'm here to see Dr . Muriel Larson . " Simon followed the nurse , and as they arrived in the main section of the hospital , he again saw stretchers in the hallway , and patients with various stages of the rash everywhere . He only saw two nurses and one doctor for the hundred plus people that were sick . Soon the nurse showed him to a private room . He had a bed and his own bathroom . He looked around and said , " All I really need is a cot . You could fit four patients in here comfortably . I could put my stuff somewhere else and go help out . It looks like you 're short staffed . " The nurse put her shirt down and said , " Exactly . Dr Larson 's note said you are our best hope of finding a vaccine . She said you are not to interact directly with the patients , and you are to have a room alone . She 's the new chief of staff , now that everyone else is dead , so I 'm gonna follow her instructions . " Simon didn 't really like it , but he could see the sense in it . He nodded and said , " Okay then , thank you for the room . If you could please have her wake me as soon as she arrives ? " Simon nodded and started to feel a little nervous that maybe their faith in him was misplaced . He watched her leave and shut the door behind her . He promised himself he would do everything he could for them , and then lay down to try and get some sleep . Mal woke before anyone else , and was sitting in the kitchen enjoying a quiet cup of coffee when Inara walked in . She smiled at him and got herself some coffee too . She sat at Wash 's place and sipped her coffee quietly with him . A few minutes later she looked at the clock on the wall and said , " Ray should be here in the next few minutes . " Inara watched him go , and sat alone with her coffee . Ten minutes later she could faintly hear the hatch opening and figured the new crewman had arrived . A few seconds later Kaylee bust into the kitchen looking disheveled and holding a note . River was right behind her looking slightly less stressed . Inara stood up and said , " What 's wrong ? " " He 's gonna be so mad . I don 't want to tell him , but I gotta tell him . How can I make it sound less wrong ? " I 'm very sorry to run out in the middle of the night , but I knew of no other way to accomplish my task . I have gone to help rid this moon of the virus that has killed so many . It should only take a week at most , and I sincerely hope that both you and Mal can forgive me when I 'm finished . Please tell Mal that he can conduct business as usual , and if it takes longer then a week for him to come back to this moon to get me , I understand completely . If he feels that in this endeavor I have broken the proverbial camel 's back , then I will find new passage for my sister , for myself , and for you also if you are willing . Please watch out for River while I am gone , and try to find it in your heart to forgive me . Inara shook her head and handed it back to Kaylee . She said , " There is no easy way to tell him . Just show him the note . . aybe after hiding his gun . " Inara linked arms with Kaylee , and they went together to find Mal . River followed behind them with an odd expression on her face , and mumbling quietly to herself about possible outcomes . They found Mal next to the main hatch helping to carry in a bag . Ray was next to him carrying a couple of large bags and said , " That 's the last of it . " Mal had a big smile on his face , and when he noticed the three women arriving he turned to Ray and said , " Come and meet some of the crew . " Kaylee shook her head and a tear did fall down her face . She said , " Promise me you ain 't gonna shoot him Cap ' n . " Everyone could tell she wasn 't demanding this of him , she was begging . Mal had always been , and would always be , fond of Kaylee . She was very much like a little sister to him . He wiped the tear off her face and said , " I promise , xiao mei mei , now tell me what he 's done . " Kaylee handed Mal the note with a shaky hand . Inara gave her a one armed hug while they waited . The more Mal read , the angrier he got . When he was finished , he wished he hadn 't been so quick to promise . He handed the note back to Kaylee . She took it and said , " What are you gonna do ? " Ray nodded and looked to the women not sure which one was Inara . Mal started to walk towards the hatch when River quickly walked to him and put a hand on his arm to stop him . He turned to her , and was about to tell her not to worry because he wasn 't planning to do any actual damage to her brother , but when he looked at her she was looking off in the distance . He looked up and to the left where she was looking but saw nothing . She whispered , " The Alliance . " Mal looked back at her . She turned her eyes to him , gripped his arm tighter , and said urgently , " They 'll find us . If we don 't leave RIGHT NOW , they 'll find us . They aren 't looking for us , but they 'll know who were are , and they 'll find me . " River let go of his arm and stumbled back a few steps while looking terrified and turning white . She mumbled , " They 'll take me back to the Academy . I don 't want to go back . They 'll test me and cut me open again . Then I won 't be fine anymore , I 'll be crazy . " She covered the sides of her head with both hands and said , " I don 't want to be crazy anymore . They 're coming . We have to leave now . Please don 't let them take me ! Please ! " Mal knew that River ' saw ' things before they happened . He knew that River had been tortured at the Academy , and he didn 't want another run in with the Alliance any time soon . He walked over to the hatch , and pushed the button to close the door . He turned to Ray and said , " Looks like you 'll have to unpack later . " Ray headed towards the bridge at a brisk pace . Mal reached out to River and touched her shoulder . He said , " I have no notion of letting anyone take you River . You 're never going back to the Academy . " Mal patted her shoulder once and then looked to Inara and Kaylee for help . Kaylee , forgetting about her own problems for the moment , crouched down next to River and put an arm around her shoulders . She said , " Come on now River , let 's go back to your room and make ourselves more presentable . We can 't go paradin ' around in our pajamas now can we ? " Inara nodded knowing they would torture him for the truth about his sister 's whereabouts . Mal said , " The Alliance will most likely leave spies once they know we 've been there . We won 't be able to get him for at least a month . " Half an hour later they were well on their way to Grizzy , and hadn 't seen any Alliance . Mal left Ray to pilot , and went to breakfast to talk with his crew . He saw everyone , including Zoe , sitting around the breakfast table done eating . Everyone turned to see Mal come in . Mal sat down and got himself a plate of cold food . He said , " I 'm guessin ' you 've all heard the news . " Zoe nodded and headed out to the bridge . She said hi to Ray and sent him to the kitchen . He arrived and Mal said , " Ray , grab a plate and eat while I introduce you . " As Mal spoke he indicated Inara 's old chair for Ray to sit in . Ray took a plate , and dished some food up . When he sat , Mal said , " Everyone , this is Ray . He used to fly with Fatty , but left when he found out what a nice guy Fatty really is . " Mal got Ray 's attention back to him as he said , " You 've already met Zoe my second in command . And you met Simon , our doctor , who won 't be with us for the next month . The only two left are Kaylee and Inara . You saw Kaylee earlier . She keeps the engine going . And Inara here is a licensed Companion . " Ray swallowed his food hard and looked at Inara with surprise . He said , " Really ? You have a licensed Companion on board ? I didn 't realize you were running such a high class ship Captain . I 'll have to dig out my better clothes . " As Ray said this he was smiling at Inara . Inara smiled back at his slight flirting . Ray held out his hand , but instead of shaking he kissed the back of her hand . Mal gripped his fork hard enough to hurt while watching this and said , " No need for that . She prefers to be the only one with fancy clothes aboard . " Inara gave Mal a quick glare at that , and then turned back to Ray who was still holding her hand . She said , " It 's a pleasure to meet you Ray . It will be nice to have someone on board who at least changes his clothes once in a while . " Mal felt his adrenaline pumping at that statement , and had to force himself not to go after her . Inara hadn 't had any clients since getting back aboard the ship . He quickly regretted his jealous little outburst , and hoped she wouldn 't find anyone . Ray turned to Mal and said , " That 's the whole crew ? " Mal wanted badly to say yes he did , but instead shook his head no . He thought about pointing out that Zoe had just lost her husband , and Kaylee was involved with Simon , and River was seventeen not to mention slightly off , but then that just left Inara , so he kept his mouth shut . Jayne rolled his eyes and stood up to start clearing the table . He muttered , " Good luck with this crew . " Ray nodded and finished his meal . Six hours later they were about to land on Grizzy . Mal hadn 't talked to Kaylee since that morning , and went to find her before they landed . He went to the engine room and found her sitting on the floor watching the engine spin the way some people might watch a fire . He said , " Hey . " Mal went and sat down next to her , and put an arm around her shoulders . She leaned into him and said , " How could he do it ? Just up and leave in the middle of the night like that ? " Mal nodded in agreement . A few minutes later he said , " We 'll be landin ' on Grizzy soon . I want you to keep an eye on River while the rest of us are lookin ' for work . " Mal patted her shoulder once and then got up . Next Mal went to see Inara . She had skipped lunch in favor of hiding in her shuttle to avoid him . He knocked on her door . She opened it and said , " Yes ? " Mal gave her a curt nod and walked away . Inara watched him go , and then quietly shut her door . She leaned against it and asked herself , " What are you doing ? " She shook her head not knowing and went to sit on the couch . She loved Mal . There was no question about that . But you couldn 't exactly have a ' boyfriend ' when you were a Companion . Inara sighed and thought , ' Why am I still here ? I left for a reason . He can 't ever really love me , he thinks I 'm a whore . All we do is fight and irritate each other , and get in the way of each other 's business . But the real problem is that I just don 't want to leave . I 'm drawn to him even with all his flaws , or maybe because of them . And after Wash , life just seems shorter . I don 't want any big regrets . But what if I quit the guild , and then it doesn 't work between us ? Would I regret that as much as not trying at all ? ' Inara lay back on her couch and tried to decide what to do . Kaylee watched River for most of the evening , but didn 't really do much with her . Then when the rest of the crew got back with a job lined up for the following evening , Kaylee said her goodnights and went to her room . She looked around and thought how lonely it looked . She got ready for bed and lay down with the note Simon had left her . She looked it over again , and then set it on the table next to her bed . She turned off her lights and lay there thinking about the whole mess . She alternated between being angry with Simon , and then worrying about him . She tossed and turned long into the night . Kaylee woke up to a dark room , but something didn 't feel quite right . She looked around and was startled to see River in her room sitting in one of her chairs staring at her . Kaylee made a noise of surprise and sat up quickly . She said , " River ? " Kaylee looked over at her clock and saw that it was three AM . She sighed and sat up again . She stood up and motioned for River to come with her . " Let 's get you back in bed . " River said in a pathetic voice , " I don 't want to go back . It 's too quiet there . It 's like one of the tests . The sensory deprivation test . I can 't hear Simon sleeping , so I can 't sleep . " Kaylee took her arm off and said , " Oh , River . . . I don 't think that would be right . I 's Simon 's bed , not mine . An if he 's not there . " River grabbed Kaylee 's hand and said ; " It will smell like him . You can sleep better , and so can I . Please Kaylee . Please sleep there until he comes home . " Kaylee gave River a smile , and even though it wasn 't exactly what she wanted to do , she couldn 't tell River no either . " Of course I will . Come on , let 's go get some sleep . " Kaylee turned off the lights and shut the door . She walked over to Simon 's room and opened the door . She looked at the bed , and thought she would never get to sleep now . But she lay down and found that River was right . It did smell like Simon , and she was soon asleep . Four days later things had gotten back to some kind of normal . Ray seemed to be fitting in nicely with the rest of the crew , except that he flirted endlessly with Inara , which in turn infuriated Mal . And Inara was having fun watching Mal try to keep his cool while Ray flirted . Mal had noticed that Inara hadn 't seen any other clients , and somehow that made her flirting with Ray that much worse . Kaylee was more quiet and less sunny then usual . She had done a lot of thinking about Simon over the past few days , and she had come to some kind of inner piece about it . She kept sleeping in Simon 's bed , and River seemed comforted by this . Then on the fifth night away from Newview , Kaylee was awoken by the sound of screaming . She jumped out of bed and ran to River 's room . River was thrashing about on the bed and screaming as if in pain . Kaylee turned on the light and yelled , " River ! River wake up ! " River immediately stopped screaming and abruptly sat up in bed . She looked at Kaylee and then shielded her eyes from the light . Kaylee dimmed the lights and then went to sit on the edge of River 's bed . She put a hand on River 's arm and said , " You were having a nightmare . " River nodded . Kaylee said , " Why don 't you go take a quick shower to rinse off . I 'll bring you some new pajamas , and make up your bed again . " River again nodded and went to take a shower . Kaylee looked at the clock . It was almost midnight . Ten minutes later River was clean and dry in new pajamas . She lay down and Kaylee covered her up . Kaylee sat beside her on the bed and did what her mother had always done for her when she had a bad dream . She started to brush out River 's hair with her fingers and talked quietly to her . " No more bad dreams tonight . You ain 't at the Academy no more , and you never have to go there again . " " I know , I miss him too . I 'll bet that 's why you had that dream . You 're worried that the Alliance will find him . But I 'm sure the Alliance didn 't even stop at that moon once they heard about the quarantine . I 'm sure Simon is just dandy . " " It was the only way for Simon to be a doctor again . He needed it , and the Captain wasn 't gonna let him , so I made it up . But he 's safe . He 's gonna find a vaccine . Probably already has . He 's a good doctor . Not like those men who worked on me . But I do miss him . " Kaylee stood up and turned out the light . She shut River 's door and leaned against it for a few seconds . She said quietly to herself , " It wasn 't real . " A few different things went through her mind at once . ' No one even considered she was lyin ' . Cap ' n 's not gonna like this one bit . But that means we can head to Newview now and get Simon by tomorrow ! ' She made up her mind , and went to find a sweater to put on over her pajama top . She quietly walked up to the hatch and into the hallway where the crew 's quarters were . She went to Mal 's door and quietly knocked , knowing it would probably be enough to wake him up . A few seconds later she hadn 't gotten a response . She opened his hatch a crack and called , " Cap ' n ? " There was no answer . She closed the hatch and went looking for him . She found him in the kitchen staring at a full shot glass . He turned to see her come in and said , " What are you doin ' up at this hour ? " He had been staring at the same shot glass full of whisky for the past hour . He didn 't really want it . He just wanted the excuse to sit there and think about things . He hated feeling helpless , but that was how the situation with Simon and to a lesser extent the situation with Ray and Inara made him feel . Kaylee said , " I have somethin ' to tell you Cap ' n , and you ain 't gonna like it . Not one bit . " Mal nodded and she continued . " I truly believe we are Cap ' n . You , me , Zoe , Jayne , and Inara , we 're family . And after Miranda I think Simon and River are family too . Do you feel that way ? " Kaylee shook her head and said , " It 's real important to me Cap ' n . Think on it now . Are they family , or ain 't they ? If they 're just crew , to you , then that changes things . " Mal did think about it . He already knew the answer , but he didn 't know that he wanted to tell Kaylee about it . She would just use it against him later to make him go easy on Simon when they did get him back . But by the time Kaylee got back to the table with a cut up apple , Mal knew he would tell her the truth . Mal sighed . " They 're family , but that don 't mean that I 'm gonna just let Simon do as he pleases . They 're still crew , which means they need to follow my orders , and do as I say . " Kaylee smiled . " Thank you Cap ' n . That 's how I feel too . Now what do you intend to do to Simon when we get him back ? " Mal shook his head . " I don 't rightly know . I promised not to shoot him . Yellin ' don 't seem to do much good , he just yells back . And I ain 't got a brig " t Mal sat back and slouched in his chair . He waited to hear her idea . She said , " Promise me you won 't interrupt ' till I 'm done ? " Kaylee was disappointed at that , but understood why he said it . Kaylee said , " Well if we 're family , then where do we all fit ? You 're the Captain , so that makes you the dad . " Mal opened his mouth to protest that immediately . He had never been a father , and the thought of little ones made him nervous . She held up her hand and said , " I know , just hear me out . Zoe is like your sister , so that would make her the aunt . Like it or not , that makes Inara the mom . " Kaylee went on . " Jayne is like the oldest son who maybe got dropped on his head as a baby . I 'm the older sister . Simon 's the younger brother , and River is the baby . " Kaylee looked Mal in the eye and said , " One time when I was sixteen I ran off to be with a boy who was almost twice my age . My daddy found us the next morning , and took me home . Turned out the loser was married , but that ain 't the point . The point is that once we got home , my daddy whupped me so hard I couldn 't sit for the rest of the day . " " Think about it . You were gonna punch him in the face or the stomach , or both . That can do a lot more damage then a whuppin ' , and if he decided to fight back , then you got a mess on your hands ' cause you 'll have to keep at it until you 've won . " " Well he told me plenty . They put River in that school , and when he tried to convince them that she was sufferin ' they didn 't do squat . Then when he tried to rescue her , they said they were ashamed of him . They made it seem like he had disgraced the family by tryin ' to save his sister . They 've disowned him and River now that they 've become a social embarrassment . I don 't care what I did ; my daddy never would have been that mean . Even when he whupped me , I knew he loved me . " " So believe me when I say he 's never gonna fully trust you any other way . He 'll always be expectin ' you to dump him and River off the ship , or he 'll be expectin ' you to show him your anger in a hateful way . But if you show him you 're not gonna accept what he did , and at the same time show him that he IS a member of this family now , you 'll break through his defenses . " Mal didn 't know what to say . That thought had never crossed his mind . He said , " She lied ? All that cryin ' was an act ? " Mal ran his hand through his hair thinking about all the things they had discussed . He walked up to the bridge to find Ray . The bridge was empty , and the ship was on auto pilot . Mal thought Ray was in the bathroom . He thought about waiting for him , but decided to come back and talk to him in a few minutes . He felt a strong need to talk to Inara about the things Kaylee had said to him , and decided to see if she was awake . He walked to her shuttle and as he was about to knock quietly at the door , he heard her scream , " Get off me ! I said no ! " Mal drew his gun , and went in unannounced . The sight in front of him made him so angry he felt a calm settling over him . Inara was laying on her back on the couch , and had a trickle of blood coming out of the side of her mouth . Ray was on top of her trying to rip her dress . Mal cocked his gun and said with calm , " Get off her now , and I 'll shoot you somewhere that won 't find you dead by the time we get to Newview . " Inara looked at Mal with relief . Ray was shocked and angry at the interruption . He snarled , " This is none of your business Captain . I paid for her services . " Mal looked to Inara who was not agreeing to what Ray said , and was actively trying to push him off her . Mal took aim , and shot Ray in the calf of the leg that was hanging off the couch . Ray screamed and fell off the couch , and subsequently off Inara , as he clutched at his leg . Inara quickly stood up when Ray was off her , and then kicked him in the head . She said with anger , " I said I didn 't want your money . " He lay on the floor groaning and Mal held out his hand to Inara . She came over to him and took it . He said , " Are you alright ? " Inara wiped at the blood too . She said , " He came over about half an hour ago . He 's come to visit me a few times , and he has always been very nice until tonight . He sat and had some tea with me , and we talked about some of my regular clients . Then when the tea was done he showed me that he had brought money with him , and said he would like to buy my services for the night . I told him no . He looked hurt , so I explained that I wouldn 't get involved with anyone on board , because it would be a conflict of interest . He got angry and called me a tease . He went on about it , and then when I asked him to leave he slapped me . He was trying to rape me when you arrived . " Ray didn 't comment , and Mal shot him again , this time in the upper leg before putting his gun away . Ray screamed and passed out on the floor . Mal turned to Inara and cupped her face as he said , " You sure you 're all right ? " Inara nodded but a tear came out of her eye . She said , " They train us for this kind of thing . I should have known what to do . Should have kneed him in the groin . Gotten to the dagger on my thigh . It just took me by surprise , because I thought we were friends . " Mal looked back at Inara and almost fell over as she launched herself at him . She stood on her toes and hugged him hard while resting her head on his shoulder and cried . He put his arms around her too and said , " Hey now , it 's gonna be okay . He 's not gonna hurt you no more . " Inara shook her head and after a few seconds was able to stop crying long enough to say , " No t 's not that I used him to make you jealous , and it was stupid . I came back here because I can 't stay away from you even though I 've tried . I don 't want any other clients . I just want you , but you think I 'm a whore , so . " . He interrupted her by putting both his hands on her upper arms and pulling her away from his embrace . He looked into her eyes and said , " You mean it Inara ? You just want me , and no one else ? " He leaned down and gave her a tender kiss , which she quickly turned into a passionate one . Soon they broke apart and looked at each other not quite knowing what to say . Ray groaned and Mal let go of Inara and said , " I best get him to the infirmary , or he 'll be dead before we get back to Newview . " Inara walked out to get Zoe . Mal went over to Ray , and maneuvered Ray 's body to a sitting position on the couch , and then got him up over his shoulder . Mal groaned at the weight and said , " Should ' a waited till you were in the infirmary to shoot you . " Zoe and Mal started working together to get the wounds fixed . Neither one was any kind of doctor , but they had both patched up people during battle . As they cut off Ray 's pant leg Zoe said , " Have anything to do with Inara 's face ? " Mal concurred and got out some large tweezers . As he was digging around in the open wound Ray moaned in his sleep . Zoe was prepared to punch him if he woke up . Soon the bullet was out and Mal said , " Stitch him up . " Zoe nodded and started to do it . Mal looked around in the drawers and soon found a sedative . He put some of it in a needle , and shot it into Ray 's arm . Mal said , " He should be out for a while . I 'm gonna go head the ship back to Newview . " Mal went to the bridge and headed the ship in the direction of Newview . He sat in the pilot 's chair for a few minutes with a big smile on his face . No matter what else had happened tonight , the thing that stood out as most important in his mind was that Inara had kissed him and said she didn 't want anyone else . And suddenly nothing else seemed all that difficult to figure out . Soon Zoe came up to the bridge and said , " It 's done . " He got down on his knees next to her and grabbed a towel to help her clean up the blood . They worked quietly together . When it was mostly done he looked over at her and said , " Inara , I . . " She put her towel down and stood up . She held out her hand to help him up too . He took it and stood . She led him to her bedroom and then turned to start kissing him . He kissed her back , but as he felt her start to unbutton his shirt he pulled away . He said , " You sure ' bout this ? After what Ray tried to do I would understand if . " She shut him up with another kiss and continued to undo his clothes . The next morning Mal woke up with a start , and realized he wasn 't in his own bed . He looked beside him on the bed and saw Inara laying there looking at him . She smiled as she saw he was awake . He smiled back and gently touched her face . " You got a nasty bruise from Ray . " She said , " You know what ? I don 't even care . The only thing that matters is you , and the fact that you 're here . " He gave her a small kiss and then lay back as he said , " I can 't stay though . Gotta get up . We 're headed back to Newview . " Mal said , " I ain 't kickin ' no one off the ship . Between you and Kaylee , you 'd think I need a vote to make a decision ' round here . And the way you 're both frettin ' over the Doc and River , you 'd think I was some kind of monster . " She thought carefully about it and said , " I trust you . Go deal with it , and let me know if you need help . " Mal nodded and muttered to himself , " That 's more like it . " on his way out . He went to the bridge and found Zoe still at the helm . He said , " How long till we get there ? " Mal went to the kitchen and saw no one was up . He went to the infirmary and saw that Ray was still passed out . He went to the hallway where the crew 's quarters were and sat down in front of Simon 's hatch . Ten minutes later Jayne came up from his quarters . He said , " Hey Mal , what are ya ' doin ' ? " Mal nodded and Jayne walked away confused , but more concerned with his breakfast then anything else . Ten minutes after that , Kaylee emerged from Simon 's hatch and saw Mal sitting there in front of it . River was right below Kaylee and said , " What 's wrong ? " Kaylee was about eighty percent sure Mal was going to take her advice , and suddenly felt very sorry for both River and Simon . But she also thought it was the only solution to the problem . She looked down at River and said , " Cap ' n wants to talk to you before breakfast . Go on back down and sit on the couch , and I 'll see you in a few minutes . " River did as she was told , and Kaylee continued out to the hallway . She almost pleaded River 's case , and wanted to tell Mal not to be too hard on her , but in the end she just walked to the kitchen . Mal took a deep breath and walked down the ladder closing the hatch behind him . He looked at River over on the couch . She was wearing her usual floral print dress with no socks or shoes . He walked over and sat on the table across from the couch so that their knees were almost touching . He said , " You lied to me . " " I 'm saying if you lie to me , I can 't trust you . What if you 'd lied before , and I didn 't believe you when you said the Reavers were comin ' ? We could all be dead . I have to be able to trust my crew , River . You are never to lie to me again . " Mal shook his head . " Not a good enough excuse . I would have tried to work something out with Simon so he could work on the vaccine , and still stay aboard with us . But either way , it 's not your place to interfere . " Mal was surprised she didn 't already know what he was going to do . He pictured it in his mind and she gave a little gasp . She said , " You 're going to spank me ? Daddy says spanking is a brutal and outdated practice , and that it does the person getting spanked more harm then good . " Mal knew because of the things that were done to her , she was better in a fight then him . He may have been stronger , but she knew his moves before he made them , and could counter with a better move that he wouldn 't be expecting . Mal nodded in agreement and said , " You 're right , but I 'm thinkin ' you 're gonna . " " Because we 're family now . You , me , Simon , Kaylee , Inara , Zoe , and even Jayne . We may bicker , and we may not even like one another every day , but we 're still family . And because we 're family , we trust each other , and we keep each other safe . But most important , we don 't lie to each other . What you did was wrong , and I need you to learn not to do it again . " River nodded to herself . She said , " Simon doesn 't trust our father anymore . He thinks Daddy doesn 't care , and it makes him sad . He thinks you don 't care either , but he 's wrong . " Mal put out his hand to her , and she put her hand in his . He pulled her to standing , and quickly had her over his lap . Mal knew generally what should happen , but he had never actually spanked anyone before , and if anyone had been watching they would have been able to tell . He awkwardly started to put a hand on the side of her waist , and then moved it to her back instead . He looked at her bottom and thought to himself , ' Just get on with it . ' He raised his hand and brought it down on his intended target . He felt River jump slightly at the impact , and then did it again . This time she lay still . He gave her five more swats trying to move around enough not to hit the same spot twice in a row . By the eighth smack he thought it was odd that she wasn 't making any noise . He had only been ten years old the last time he had been spanked , but he remembered that there was a lot of yelling and crying involved . He quickly figured out what the problem was , raised his hand higher , and brought it down with more force . River jumped again at that one . River 's mind kept going back and forth between what Mal was thinking , what Mal was doing , and what she was feeling . Thoughts of Simon and her family passed through her mind , along with thoughts of a new family . But once the swats got harder , she thought about the Academy , what they had done to her , and how much she hated everyone who had kept her there . And as the pain got worse she started thinking about a way out . Just as she was about to jam her fingernails into whatever she could reach of Mal 's groin , he stopped and said , " All of us on board want to help you River . We want to help you get better , and recover from the things that happened to you . That means there needs to be trust , and I can 't trust someone who lies to me . Do you understand why I 'm doin ' this ? " River shook her head no vehemently . He said , " Then I trust you for now . But you best be rememberin ' this for a while , ' cause if we have to go over it again , I 'll be doin ' the same but more of it . " River nodded in understanding . Mal thought about the last thing Kaylee had said to him last night , and moved from sitting on the coffee table to sitting on the couch . He patted the seat beside him and said , " Come sit with me for a spell so I know you 're feelin ' better before we go eat some breakfast . " River wiped at her face and sat down next to Mal . He put his arm around her , and pulled her up next to him . She leaned her head on his shoulder and pulled her feet up to the couch so that her knees were by her chest . She said , " We 're going to get Simon ? " Inara was the first one to arrive at the kitchen . She started some coffee , and sat down to wait . A few minutes later Jayne arrived . He looked at Inara 's face and said , " What happened to you ? " Jayne got himself some coffee and considered the matter over . It was his turn to cook , so he started to make breakfast for everyone . Jayne and Inara were eating when Kaylee arrived . She seemed distracted at first , but when she saw Inara she said , " Lordy Inara ! What happened to your face ? " As she talked she walked over to Inara to get a better look , and to put a hand on her shoulder . Inara patted Kaylee 's hand and said , " I 'm fine really . It was Ray . He wanted to solicit my services , but I told him no . He didn 't like that answer . " Kaylee suspected it had something to do with Mal , and just nodded . She got herself a plate , and started eating . Mal and River had been sitting quietly for the past ten minutes when finally River said , " I 'm hungry . Can we go eat now ? " He went to get Zoe . When River sat down , Jayne leaned over to her and said , " What was that all about ? What 'd he want to talk to you about ? " As soon as everyone was quite Kaylee put her hand over River 's hand on the table and gave it a little squeeze . River gave her a small smile of reassurance and started eating . Zoe left the ship on auto pilot , and went to eat with everyone else . Once everyone was at the table Mal said , " We 're headed to Newview , and we should be there in about two hours . " Mal cut him off , " The Alliance ain 't there . We 're only gonna be there for a few hours . Just long enough to drop off Ray , and pick up the doc . " Inara nodded . Zoe said , " Jayne has been to the hospital before and he 's seen the lay out . Maybe if Inara wouldn 't mind being a little more dramatic then usual , Jayne could lead you to Simon unnoticed . " The first four days Simon was at the hospital , he worked closely with Muriel . They spent almost every waking hour in the lab . Simon was often frustrated by the lack of equipment , and thought he could have found a vaccine already if he had been in a large Alliance hospital . At first he was appalled at their use of live rats for testing instead of simulators , but after the first day he became accustom to it . The longer he knew Muriel the more impressed he was . She was twice his age , and had much more real life experience to bring to the table , which seemed to compliment Simon 's Alliance technical knowledge . They both had respect for each other , and worked well together . Simon had some stray thoughts of Serenity and his fellow crewmates , but they were few and far between , because his mind couldn 't stop thinking of the virus and the puzzle he needed to solve . He was sure they were all doing fine without him , and only worried about River a few times . Then on the fifth day they had a breakthrough . They had over fifty lab rats with various stages of the virus , and they had been testing trial vaccines on healthy rats every day , and then exposing them to the virus the following day . On the morning of the fifth day Muriel was testing the blood of the rats they had vaccinated two days ago . She checked all five rat 's blood and then called to Simon . When Simon came over she said , " Look at this ! There are blood samples from all five rats that were given vaccine 153 . " Simon spent a good twenty minutes looking at the blood . When he was done he said , " It 's working . The antibodies are reproducing exponentially , and I can 't find a live virus in any of the samples . " She shook her head too . " You helped and you know it . Before you came I was getting more and more desperate . Just knowing you were here to work with me , gave me enough motivation to look at the problem in a new light . I never would have come up with this without you here . " Simon wanted to believe this , but in his heart he knew it wasn 't true . He said , " It may have taken you a while longer Muriel , but you would have come up with it eventually . You 're a brilliant doctor . " Muriel gave him a slight bow and said , " Thank you . But given time , you would have come up with a viable vaccine too . Let 's make some more 153 and test it out on some more rats . We should be ready to try it out on willing human subjects in two weeks if everything goes well . " Muriel said , " We may be close to the Alliance , but they won 't lift a finger to help us , and don 't often regulate us . There are at least ten people I know personally who have lost their whole family to this virus , and who haven 't gotten it . They 'll try it out whether it 's been approved or not . And I 'm one of them . " Simon thought about what she had said . He wondered if River and his folks were dead , if he would be willing to try out a risky vaccine when there would be a real possibility of death . He wasn 't sure . Especially now that he was involved with Kaylee . They worked long into the night making vaccine and testing rats . In the very early morning , Simon was falling asleep in his chair when he felt Muriel 's hand on his shoulder . He jerked awake and she said , " Let 's call it a night . " He went to his room and fell asleep quickly . That night Simon had a dream of his family . The dream started out happy . He was with his family before River had been sent to the Academy . Back when she was seven , and he was fifteen . Simon was trying to do his homework ; but River kept bugging him . She had finished hers , and wanted him to play with her . She said , " Simon , aren 't you done yet ? " She scampered off to hide and Simon counted out loud in a big voice at first , and then trailed off after he got to ten . Then he picked his book back up , and started his homework again . Fifteen minutes later , problem number three was corrected , and he was done . He put his books away , and went to look for her . He talked loudly about trying to find her as he looked in all her favorite hiding spots , because he knew she would start to giggle if she was close and could hear . Then a few minutes later he started to feel just slightly uneasy , because she hadn 't been in any of her favorite hiding spots . He then stopped talking so much , and searched the house in earnest . When he couldn 't find her his unease turned to fear . He went to his father 's study and knocked on the door . His father gave him a curious look and said , " Whatever are you talking about ? River has been away at school for two years now . We just got another letter from her yesterday . Are you feeling alright son ? " Simon looked down at himself . He wasn 't fifteen , he was twenty - three . It didn 't seem odd to him . He looked at his father and said , " Something isn 't right at that school . She isn 't happy . We need to have her come home for a visit , and make sure she 's okay . " " Don 't be ridiculous Simon . She 's having a fine time . I know you miss her , and I know you 've had your moments of jealousy , but why can 't you try to just be happy for her ? " " Not this again ! I 'm done listening to this garbage . If you can 't stop this , I 'm going to have to ask you to move out , and finish your residency somewhere else . " Simon stormed off , and as he closed the doors to his father 's office he found he was in a jail cell . He looked around him , and knew he had failed in his attempt to find his sister and free her from the Academy . He felt like crying . Knowing she was hurting , and knowing there was nothing he could do . Then the guard came and took him to his father who had just paid his bail . Simon kept his head down at first , but then looked up at his father . His father was wearing the usual expression of disappointment , and anger that he had worn for the past year . Simon started an explanation , but his father cut him off saying , " I don 't want to hear it again . You 're sister is fine . You are the one causing this family problems . You are the one who is in need of help . If you continue with these ridiculous accusations , your mother and I will have no choice but to turn our backs on you . You have become a social embarrassment , and we will not tolerate it . If you get arrested in your foolhardy endeavors again , I will not come for you . " Simon lay in bed thinking about his dream . It was reasonably close to his real life experience . He thought about his father , and wondered if his father ever thought about him . He knew his mother thought of both him and River , but she would never cross their father , because he brought them the most prestige socially . Simon rolled to his side and thought about River , and how much happier she seemed to be since Miranda . He smiled as he remembered her and Kaylee playing Hide and Seek exactly a week after the events of Miranda . Then he thought about everyone aboard Serenity , and found that he missed them . And the more he thought about it , the more he realized the people aboard that ship had done more to help him and his sister then his parents had done for years . The crew had risked their lives for him and his sister on more then one occasion , and he knew they would do it again . He sat up and soon stood up . He went and got in the shower to get ready for the day . As he was washing he wondered what they were all doing , and found that he missed not just River and Kaylee , but all of them . He gave a short laugh and said to himself , " I think I 'll even be glad to see Mal , even if he 's livid . " Then as he was drying off he had another thought . ' I never even doubted that they would come back for me . My own father can 't be counted on , but Mal can . I know he won 't ever leave his crew behind . He 's proved it to me more then once . ' As Simon was getting dressed he shook his head and wondered why he was thinking about the people on the ship so much today , when he hadn 't thought much about them for the past five days . He brushed his hair and decided it must be because the puzzle his head had been working on was mostly solved . He brushed his teeth and tried to focus on what he planned to do to help Muriel that day . Two hours later he was in the lab looking at blood samples with Muriel when the door to the lab was shoved open hard enough to slam on the wall . Both Muriel and Simon jumped slightly , and turned to see Mal and Jayne in the doorway . Mal looked right at Simon but didn 't say anything . Mal calmly started walking towards Simon , while Jayne stayed by the door and shut it . Simon heard Muriel pushing a button and saying urgently , " Security ! " Simon couldn 't seem to break eye contact with Mal , but he said , " No ! No security . It 's fine , they 're with me . " Mal kept coming closer , and Simon felt his stomach starting to twist . He was breathing harder , and starting to sweat as he watched Mal . Soon Mal was right next to him . Mal leaned down so he was eye to eye with Simon . Simon leaned back as far as he could in his chair , but Mal just leaned forward into Simon 's personal space . Then Mal gave him a smile that wasn 't very friendly and said ; " You 're done here . We 're going back to Serenity right now , and then you and I will be discussin ' leaving the ship in the middle of the night . " Mal stood back up and waited . Muriel said , " Sure , but you don 't have to go back with them . If you want I 'll call security for you . " Mal crossed his arms and just looked at Simon . Simon looked at Mal and shook his head without even thinking about it . " No . Thank you , but I 'll be fine . I 'll call you soon . " Mal gave a short nod of approval at this decision , and then grabbed Simon by the shirt . He hauled him out of his chair and then let him go . He gave him a slight shove towards the door where Jayne was waiting and said , " Good choice . " They went single file with Jayne taking the lead , and Mal brining up the rear . Soon they were in the hospital 's lobby again where Inara was still loudly yelling at various hospital staff about ' backwater moons ' . She was telling them to get her in touch with ' someone high up ' in the Alliance so she could make a formal complaint against Ray , who had been taken to an exam room . Jayne leaned up against the wall where he had first been standing when they came in . Mal leaned close to Jayne and whispered , " About another ten minutes , and then give her the signal to get out . " Jayne gave Mal a nod , and Mal turned to Simon . Simon was starring at Inara trying to figure out what was going on . Mal tapped him on the shoulder . When Simon looked at him Mal said , " Come on . " Mal walked towards the front door , and looked back once to make sure Simon was following . Mal took Simon to the mule , which was parked next to the hover sled . Mal got on , and waited for Simon to get on behind him . Simon thought about trying to talk to Mal , but instead just sighed and got on the mule too . As the noisy mule headed for Serenity , Simon thought , ' Times up Simon . You knew this would be happening , so get your act together . I 'll just tell Mal why I had to do it . Then if he wants to yell or punch me , I guess there isn 't much to do besides hope it 's over with quickly . And then there 's Kaylee to contend with . Maybe I should have bought her a gift to bring back . I wonder how angry she 's going to be . ' Simon quietly stewed over these issues , but they were back at Serenity before he was ready to be . As they pulled in they saw that Kaylee and River were in the cargo bay basically waiting around for them . As soon as he was off the mule River was in front of him with a big smile . He took off his goggles , and she gave him a big hug . He hugged her back and said , " Hi River , how was your week ? " He put his hands on both sides of her face , and pulled her head towards him to give her a kiss on her forehead . He let her go and then looked over at Kaylee . Kaylee was standing a few feet away with her arms crossed . She said quietly , " I 'm glad you 're back , and I 'm glad you 're safe , but what you done was wrong , and I ain 't forgiven you yet . " Simon didn 't really want to talk with her in front of everyone , and really didn 't even know what to say . He said , " I 'm sorry about leaving the way I did Kaylee . But I . well I explained why I left . " Mal had been standing waiting for Simon to say his hellos , and now said to Kaylee , " Call the hospital and arrange to have Simon 's things brought back to the ship . Inara and Jayne should be back in less than fifteen minutes . Once they get aboard prepare the ship for take off . " " No , let her sleep . But if we have some trouble , wake her before interrupting me . I should be up to the bridge in half an hour . Anyone who interrupts me and Simon best have a damn good reason . " Simon rolled his eyes at Mal 's tone and curt orders , but headed in the direction of the rooms he shared with River . Mal followed closely behind . Simon opened the hatch and went down into the rooms first . Mal followed and locked the hatch behind him . Mal had been thinking for the past three hours about what he wanted to say to Simon , but that still didn 't make it easy . Mal opened his mouth to start and then closed it again . He took a deep breath and said , " While you were gone I had a talk with Kaylee . " Simon had been ready for loud yelling , and was still waiting for the explosion . He nodded warily . Mal continued , " And she brought up somethin ' that . ell I guess it 's somethin ' I ain 't been doin ' right . ou and I don 't talk much unless it 's about a job , or doctorin ' . nd maybe you think that means you and your sister are just crew to me . ut after all the things we 've been through together , after all the times we 've put our lives at risk for each other , I think we both need to admit we 've become family . " Mal gave a short nod , and then started to walk into the living area as he took off his long brown coat . He got it off and draped it over the back of a chair . He turned back to Simon and said , " Now I know we 've never talked much about your family , but Kaylee told me your pa has disowned you and your sister . Is that true ? " Simon looked away and gave a slight nod , not wanting to think about it . Mal said , " Well that ain 't never gonna happen on this ship . Maybe a month ago I would have said different , but not anymore . I ain 't gonna dump you and River on some planet and let you fend for yourselves . I ain 't gonna leave you behind if you get caught by someone or get lost . If you do somethin ' troublesome or shameful I ain 't gonna turn my back on either of you . " Mal stopped and Simon thought about what he had said for a few short seconds . He found he was more emotional about that then he 'd like to admit . He looked at Mal and cleared his throat so he wouldn 't sound close to tears as he said , " Thank you Mal . I really appreciate you telling me that . I know I speak for River as well when I say we feel the same about everyone here . We 're grateful , especially to you , for keeping us aboard even though you knew we were fugitives from the start . " Mal gave a short nod and said , " Good , now we got that settled , I also need you to understand that just ' cause you 're family , don 't mean you 're not crew . Because you 're part of my crew , you and River follow my orders , even when you don 't like them . You don 't have to follow them blindly . If you disagree , you can tell me about it , but the final decision lies with me . " Simon felt himself starting to blush . He wouldn 't have thought that possible an hour ago . He had been ready to defend his position to the end , but after the things Mal had just said , he found he was ashamed of the way he had left . He looked away again and mumbled , " I needed to help those people , and I was worried you would try to stop me . " Mal unbuckled his holster belt , and took it off with the gun still in it . He set that on top of his coat over the chair . Simon noticed this and started to feel uneasy about what might happen . Mal said , " But you weren 't worried about what I would do once you got back ? " Mal started to pace back and forth in front of Simon . He said , " You 're right . I wouldn 't have let you go work in the hospital , but if you 'd told me how important it was to you , I would have tried to make some kind of arrangements . You could have stayed in contact with them , and you could have worked with them from here for as many hours a day as you wanted . " " Maybe so , but you would have been safe , and that 's more important to me . But that ain 't even the point . The point is that you ran off in the middle of the night specifically because you knew that if you asked , I would have said no . " Simon was getting frustrated and angry . " I 'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions . I don 't need your permission to work with other doctors . " Mal half shouted , half laughed incredulously , " Yeah , you do ! And you know you do . If you didn 't need my permission , you would have been a man about it and come told me to my face what you was plannin ' instead of sneaking off like some adolescent . " Simon could hear the truth in those words , but couldn 't or wouldn 't admit it . He shook his head no and said , " Fine . You 're angry about what I did . I think I did the right thing , and you disagree . So what now ? " Simon had been expecting this and felt almost relieved that it was going to be over and done with quickly . He closed his eyes , turned his head a little to the side , and tightened his stomach muscles . Then he said , " I understand . Go ahead . " Simon darted his eyes over to Mal 's gun that was still draped over the back of the chair . Mal sounded irritated as he said , " I just got done tellin ' you we 're family . I ain 't gonna shoot you neither . " Mal took Simon 's upper arm and started walking towards the couch . Simon didn 't put up a fight , not knowing what was going to happen . Once he got to the couch Mal sat and pulled Simon down over his lap all in one move . Simon immediately understood what was happening , and tried very hard to get up . Mal struggled to keep him down , and said , " Quit your fussin ' , I ain 't even started yet . " Mal had only heard Simon swear one other time , and knew he was more then just a little upset about this new turn of events . When Mal saw that Simon wasn 't going to settle down and let him spank him , he got irritated . He got a better grip on Simon and maneuvered him until he got one leg over both of Simons , and after two tries , got one of Simon 's hands behind his back . By the time Simon was pinned , both him and Mal were breathing hard . Mal said , " This IS happening , so just settle down . " Simon shook his head violently . Mal raised his hand high , and brought it down as hard as he could . Simon grunted in surprise and pain , and when he felt a second spank he yelled in frustration , " Aarrrr ! " Mal spanked hard and fast while Simon grunted and still struggled to get away . Simon quickly realized how painful a spanking could be , as each swat jarred his whole body , and hurt not just the skin , but the muscles in his butt too . His emotions had been near the surface before the spanking started , because of his talk with Mal , and while his strongest emotion right now was anger , guilt and shame were just under the surface . After about thirty swats Mal noticed Simon 's struggles became less premeditated and were now more of a reaction to the pain then an effort to escape his grasp . Mal stopped and said , " Now , just so we 're clear , why don 't you tell me why I 'm doin ' this . " Simon lay there pinned , hurt , and angry for a few seconds thinking about what to say . He thought , ' Why ! ? Because you 're a ke wu de lao bao jun , that 's why . Calling me an adolescent ! Treating me like a child ! And now you want me to be a ' good boy ' and recite my wrong doings to you ? Of all the ridiculous , asinine . . ' Mal shook his head . " You know Doc , for someone who 's had so much book learnin ' , you really ain 't all that bright sometimes . It was a simple question . " Mal started spanking again , and Simon yelled , " You know what 's simple ! Ahh ! Is you thinking . . mmmff that this will do any good ! A hh ! " Simon struggled wildly at that pronouncement for all of ten seconds , and then couldn 't do much besides try to squirm his butt out of the line of fire without success . After Mal had given Simon another twenty swats he stopped again and said , " Let 's try again . Why do you think I 'm holdin ' you down and smackin ' you on the rear ? " Simon was in enough pain now not to say the first thing that came to his mind , which was , ' Because you 're just plain mean . ' He took a deep breath and swallowed his pride . " Because I left the ship without asking . " Simon trailed off as he realized the connection Mal was trying to make . Mal said , " That 's right , you told her because you 're family , and you didn 't want her to worry . But I 'm telling you that we 're family too now , so the same rules apply , and whether you want to believe it or not , ALL of us were worried about you . What if you 've caught this orange death ? What if the Alliance had decided to come pay a call , and gotten a hold of you ? Did you even think about those things before you left ? " Simon didn 't want to hear that . That brought his guilt to the surface . Mal continued , " Kaylee was cryin ' when she showed me your note . She pleaded your case to me wantin ' me to go easy on you . Both Kaylee and Inara were concerned I was gonna kick you off the ship , and let me know they wouldn 't approve . And your sister actually lied , and told me the Alliance had arrived on the moon the morning you left , because I was about to drag your ass home . So now I 'm askin ' you again . Why am I doin ' this ? " Simon wanted to block the whole thing out . He wanted to get his anger back , because that was helping him not to notice the way his butt was throbbing . But after Mal 's speech , Simon couldn 't be angry anymore . He just felt guilt and shame at what he had done . He tried not to sound like he was about to cry , but failed as he said , " Because we 're family , and I . made everyone worry . " " That 's right . " Mal brought his hand down five more times , and Simon tried very hard not to cry . Mal said , " But it 's also ' cause what you did was cowardly and underhanded . You knew I wouldn 't let you do it , so you snuck off to avoid me . That ain 't gonna happen again is it ? " " Good . Now we 're gonna practice you followin ' my orders even when you don 't want to . I 'm gonna let you up , and you 're gonna take down your pants and get back over my lap . " Mal felt bad hearing the pleading , but believed this was a lesson Simon needed to learn both for his own safety , and for the general safety of the crew . He let go of Simon 's hand that was behind his back , and took his leg off Simon 's legs so that Simon was free to get up . Mal said , " I ain 't doin ' this ' cause I want to . I 'm doin ' it to keep you alive . Now do as I said . " Simon slowly got up , but kept his head down unable to meet Mal 's eyes . The thought of taking off his pants , and then willingly getting back in position to be spanked some more was so abhorrent to him , that he found it impossible to reach his hands up and undo his pants . Mal waited patiently for about three minutes and said , " If you like , I can pull you down and keep smackin ' you ' til you agree to do it . " Simon 's hands immediately went to the button on his pants . Soon they fell to the floor , and then again Simon stood there unable to lay himself over Mal 's lap . Mal sighed and said , " I 'd think you 'd want this over quick like . " Simon definitely wanted it over . He hesitated for only one more second , and then had to choke back a sob as he awkwardly lay himself over Mal 's lap . Mal patted his back once and said , " Very good . " Mal rested his hand on Simon 's back and continued ; " Now I 've said my piece on this whole matter , and when I 'm done here , I won 't be brinin ' it up again . It will be over and done , and you 'll have a clean slate . You hear me ? " Simon felt the hand Mal had been resting on his back now putting pressure on him to keep him in place . Mal quickly yanked Simon 's underwear down to mid thigh , and while Simon was still protesting this by yelling ' NO ! ' Mal brought his hand down to connect loudly with Simon 's butt . Mal wasn 't putting as much force behind his swings now , but Simon didn 't notice , because the sharp stinging pain to his skin seemed to double when it was bare . For the next few seconds the only sounds in the room were loud smacking , and crying that started off soft but soon grew louder . Simon didn 't actively try to get up , but he couldn 't be still either . While still crying Simon got out a few ' I 'm sorry 's ' , but not much else . Mal kept spanking Simon until his butt was a deep dark red with a few darker spots that would become small bruises . But Mal wasn 't paying as much attention to the condition of Simon 's butt as he was listening to Simon 's crying and waiting for it to sound sincere . Once Mal was sure the lesson had been learned , and that Simon was truly repentant , he stopped just as suddenly as he had started . Then before Simon could even register that the spanking was over , Mal pulled his underwear back into place . Mal wasn 't exactly sure what to do next . Comforting River after her spanking had seemed easy and natural for him , but he wasn 't sure what Simon would want or need from him now that the hard part was over . He patted Simon 's back a few times and said quietly , " It 's done . " Simon wiped at his face with one hand and then pushed himself up to standing . He quickly got his pants off the floor and put them back on . He couldn 't stop crying , and wouldn 't look at Mal . He was about to flee to his bedroom when Mal stood up too . Mal put a hand on Simon 's shoulder and gave it a squeeze as he said , " Look at me . " Simon couldn 't believe his ears and darted his eyes back to Mal 's and kept his gaze . Mal continued , " What you done for your sister . Getting ' her out of that place , and goin ' against your family to do it . Givin ' up your hopes and dreams to save her . That 's somethin ' a lot of men couldn 't do . " Simon burst into fresh tears at this , and put his head in his hands . Mal pulled Simon into an awkward hug , and said , " And that ain 't all , you 're the best doc I 've ever known . You know what you 're doing , and do it well . You 're good to Kaylee and treat her right . You 've never backed down in a fight , and you protect your sister with everything you have . " Mal was quiet for a few minutes letting Simon cry . " I 'm tellin ' you this ' cause I want you to know that just ' cause you messed up once , don 't mean I look at you any different . I think you 're a good man , and I 'm proud to have you as one of my crew . " Simon continued to cry , but at the same time soaked up the words , and the hug that were being given . He couldn 't believe Mal had said all those nice things about him . His own father had disowned him for trying to save River , but Mal had just told him it made him a good person , and one he could respect . Simon knew that even though he fought with Mal pretty often , that he did have a lot of respect for the man . He just never knew until today that the feeling was mutual . But that in turn seemed to make what he had done that much worse . Mal didn 't think the hug was all that awkward now , and Simon was making no move to get out of it . They stood that way until Simon 's crying tapered off . Then when it was quiet in the room other then the occasional sniffle Mal said , " I have to go get us off this planet . " Mal shook his head and put both hands on Simon 's shoulders . When Simon looked at him Mal said , " Ain 't no need to be sorry for cryin ' or wantin ' comfort . Why don 't you go lie down for a while ? I 'm sure you 'll feel better once you 've made up with Kaylee . " Mal went to the ladder and left Simon to himself . Simon went into his bedroom and lay down face first on the bed . He couldn 't help himself from reaching back and rubbing at his butt for a few minutes . The whole experience seemed a little surreal , but the pain was still very real . Then just as he gave up and put his hands up by his pillow he heard the hatch opening . He stayed where he was , not sure who it would be . Soon River came in his room as she knocked on the door . She went and sat on the bed right next to him . She looked down at his face , which was turned in her direction . He waited for her to say something , but she just sat looking for a while . Then she put a hand on the top of his head and patted it with comfort . She eventually looked off into the distance and said , " Daddy , our father , he 's not a very good man is he Simon ? " Simon half sat up , and half leaned against the wall , and pulled River into a hug . He said , " Mal told me . I appreciate you trying to protect me River , but I don 't want you lying to the Captain any more . " River shook her head and put both her hands on the sides of Simon 's face and said , " No Simon . You 're wrong . He was right to do it . What I did was wrong , and in a way it made me feel better when it was over . I felt more like this was home now . More like we weren 't gonna be alone anymore . Daddy always was against it , but I think he was wrong about that too . " River gave him a small smile and said , " I love that you protect me Simon , but it wasn 't all that bad . Not like what he did to you . He only gave me a few swats , and I couldn 't even feel it anymore by bedtime . I promise you it made me feel better more then it made me feel bad . " River glared at him and said , " You were gone . You left me in his care and told me to follow his orders . Why did you do that if you didn 't trust him . " Simon nodded . River said , " It wasn 't the same as the pain at the Academy . Not at all . You have to trust me Simon , and let it go . The Captain did the right thing for me , and even if you don 't like it , I think he did the right thing for you too . " Simon almost kissed her forehead again , but remembered he said he wouldn 't , and just patted her shoulder before lying back down . " Okay River . You win . As if there was any doubt that you would . " She walked away as he kept protesting . Once she was out of his sight he gave up , and just groaned . He worried over what to say to her , and if she would forgive him . He tried to come up with a reason for his eyes to be puffy and red , and was glad he had agreed not to sleep with Kaylee for a week so his butt would be back to normal before she could see it . It seemed like almost no time had passed when he heard the hatch open again . Then Kaylee was there in the room with him . Before he could gather his thoughts to say anything , she lay down in front of him , and wrapped her arms around his middle . He rolled to his side so they were facing each other and Kaylee rested her head on his chest . She said , " I missed you . " Simon could tell she was angry and very serious . He looked down and thought about it . After a few long minutes he eventually shook his head no . She said , " So let me see . " Simon had heard her talk of her family often enough to know she got spanked as a kid , or whupped as she called it . He eventually undid his pants , rolled onto his stomach and pulled them down for her to see . She made a noise of sympathy , and couldn 't stop herself from putting a hand on the skin to feel how warm it was . He winced slightly at her touch , and she took her hand away . She lay back down and said , " Okay . " " I do . " She leaned in to kiss him , but he put a hand up to stop her . He said , " Then I guess this is a good time to tell you Mal said no sex or even kissing for a week , so we can be sure I don 't have the orange death . " Kaylee sputtered , " What ! Why that 's none of his concern ! It 's already been a week , and now I 'm supposed to wait a week more ! Of all the irritatin ' things I 've heard recently , that 's the most ! "

When Lucas got up he decided to just leave for school as quick as he could , so he wouldn 't have to have much contact with anyone . He had just moved into Dan and Debbie 's house , and it felt more then strange to be there . As he stepped out of his room he saw Dan who offered him some breakfast . Lucas declined just as Debbie was coming into the house . Debbie said , " Lucas , hi . What are you doing here ? " Lucas shook his head and walked out the door trying to get away quickly . He was originally going to head to school , but after his surprise morning , he decided to go see Nathan first . As he was walking he thought , ' How can that man be my father ? He 's so slimy , so underhanded . But at least he didn 't tell mom about my condition , and he 's paying for my medication and doctor visits , so maybe he isn 't all bad . But I wonder if he would be so willing to pay for it if he didn 't have me under his control with this secret . ' Lucas sighed and thought again about telling his mother the truth . But then he shook his head and thought , ' That would be selfish . You 're protecting her from getting hurt , and she couldn 't afford the medical expenses if I did tell her , and she wouldn 't want Dan to pay . ' Lucas was getting close to Nathan 's apartment and tried to block out his own problems by thinking about Nathan 's . He felt bad for both Nathan and Haley . They were so in love and such a happy couple just a week ago , but now she was gone . He believed she would be coming home when she was done with her musical tour , but he didn 't know if his half brother believed it . Lucas got to the apartment door and knocked . A disheveled looking Nathan answered the door . Lucas gave a slight smile and said , " You look like ass . " Lucas was still amazed sometimes at how their relationship had changed over the past year . When Lucas had first joined the basketball team , Nathan had hated him , and let everyone know it . He had made life miserable for Lucas , but then he fell in love with Haley and everything changed . Lucas said , " Can I came in ? " Lucas was disappointed that Nathan was obviously hurting , but not talking to anyone about it . He decided to try and make it easier for Nathan . He said , " I 'm really missing Haley . She hasn 't bothered to call me , but it must be harder for you . " Nathan didn 't want to talk to anyone about it . He wanted to forget about it , because if he started talking about it he knew he would cry . He said a little defensively , " It 's only twelve weeks . We 'll be fine . We 'll work it out when she gets back . " Before Lucas could say anything Nathan shut the door in his face . Lucas stood there for a minute before turning to walk to school . He shook his head thinking that Nathan hadn 't really been to school much this past week . He tried to think of some other way to help his brother , but nothing came to him . Nathan stood there looking at the closed door for a minute . He knew Lucas wanted to help , but it was all just too much for him . The whole fight with Haley kept playing in his mind again and again . He had told her that if she left to pursue her singing career , that they were finished . He had mostly said that because he didn 't want her to leave , and because Chris was on the tour too . His mind kept throwing him images of Haley and Chris kissing at the most inconvenient times . He knew Haley had told him the tour had nothing to do with her liking Chris , because she loved Nathan , and he even believed her , but he still didn 't trust Chris . After they had fought , Nathan had stormed out of the house . But once he had calmed down , he knew he had been wrong , and went back to tell her that if it was what she really wanted that he would be okay with it . He had even thought about trying to convince her to let him go with them . But when he had gotten home she was gone . When Lucas had come to the door , Nathan had been playing his PlayStation . He looked over to where it was sitting on the coffee table , and without thinking much about it picked it up and tossed it against the wall . It kind of felt good to see it smash , until he realized he had just wrecked the best way to get his mind off his problems . He shook his head at himself and said to the empty apartment , " Shit . " He looked down at himself and realized he hadn 't taken a shower for a couple of days . He slowly walked into the bedroom . He hadn 't been able to sleep there since Haley left . He 'd been crashing on the couch . He got himself some clean clothes and took a shower . While he was in the shower he kept thinking of Haley in the shower with him and almost broke down crying . He finished up as quick as he could and got dressed . He decided he was much too sober , and got himself a beer . He downed one pretty quick , and looked over at his TV and broken PlayStation . He wasn 't sure what to do with his day now . He got a second beer and sat in front of the TV to flip channels . Two hours later , Nathan had eaten some leftover pizza from the night before and had another beer . He couldn 't stand daytime TV . He thought to himself , " Who can watch this crap ? This worse then … . school . " He gathered up his backpack , but instead of putting books in it , he put in four more beers . He pulled it over his shoulder and walked out the door . It was a nice sunny day out , and the walk to school actually made him feel slightly better . He had missed the first two classes , and the third was in progress when he finally got to school . He walked into Biology and thought it was kind of ironic that it was one of the two classes he had with Lucas . He took the desk in front of Lucas as the teacher said , " Mr . Scott . How nice of you to join us . " Nathan didn 't look back and didn 't whisper as he said , " Whatever . I 'm only here because the PlayStation broke . " As Nathan was talking he got a beer out of his backpack and opened it . He took a sip and sat it on his desk . Lucas just couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He whispered fiercely , " Are you insane ? What the hell are you doing ? " Ms . Hand didn 't let it phase her . She had heard stories about Nathan from other teachers , and knew that he wasn 't singling her out for his bad behavior . She gave him a smirk of her own as she said , " Funny . Let 's see if the principal thinks so too . " Nathan shrugged and picked up his pack to follow her . Lucas just covered his face with his hand , being both embarrassed for Nathan because he was being such an ass , and for himself because he was related . After school Lucas didn 't really want to go ' home ' . He didn 't want to have to talk to Dan or Debbie and play nice . He wanted to go home to his mom , but he couldn 't . He wandered around for a little while , and eventually decided to go see Nathan . He still had hopes that he could help Nathan see that things would be okay , and that he should keep his life together for when Haley did come home . He got to the apartment door , and as he was about to knock , Dan and Debbie arrived too . Dan said , " Lucas ? " Lucas looked uncomfortable , and so did Debbie , but Dan ignored them and knocked on the door . Nathan answered . He gave them all a fake smile and said , " Well , it 's the Scott family . " Nathan couldn 't believe Lucas was here with his parents in the first place , but to have him try and butt into the conversation was unacceptable . He liked Lucas now , and even was starting to feel close to him , but that was because of Haley , and not because they shared the same father . In fact Nathan didn 't want Lucas anywhere near his Mom and Dad , although he wasn 't sure why . He interrupted Lucas and said bluntly , " You can shut up by the way . " Lucas looked surprised , but did shut up . Debbie had been looking around and said , " How can you live like this ? The place is a pigsty . You 're skipping school and drinking in class … . . " Nathan blew a fuse , and before he knew it , he had punched his father right on the jaw . Everyone was silent for a second . Then Dan , holding his jaw , and feeling the trickle of blood that was there said , " Nice punch son . It 's good to see there 's still a man in there somewhere . " Nathan couldn 't believe he had just hit his father , but he also couldn 't believe that his father was still insulting him in his own house . He knew he had to get away before he did something worse . He shook his head and walked into the bedroom . He slammed the door and locked it behind him waiting for them to leave . He looked over at the bed , and decided to sit on the floor . Lucas and Dan left , and Debbie sighed as she looked for the garbage bags . She picked up the place , and ended up with three trash bags full of garbage which included the broken PlayStation , and a moldy half a pizza she had found under the couch . Once she was done cleaning up she knocked on the bedroom door and said , " Nathan honey ? " Dan raised his eyebrows at Lucas . The things that Lucas said often surprised him , because he was just getting to know him . He said , " I 'm sure Haley is a good person , but she isn 't right for Nathan . The quicker he can cut her loose , the better off he 'll be . " Lucas felt his skin crawl every time Dan called him son , and this was no exception . He thought about Nathan and Haley the rest of the way home , and went directly to his room so he wouldn 't have to see or talk to Dan again that night . Nathan sat there on the bedroom floor until his butt had fallen asleep , and gone numb . He had been waiting out his mother for what seemed like hours . Finally he heard her say she was leaving . He got up and shook out his legs . His butt and upper left leg tingled as the skin woke back up . The whole time his mother had been cleaning he had been thinking about the short conversation between Lucas and Dan . He thought it sounded very odd . Why would Lucas accept a ride from Dan , and why the hell would they walk together anywhere . It had been bad enough that Lucas had witnessed the humiliating talk he had with his parents , but now Lucas and Dan seemed to be on friendly terms , and that didn 't set will with Nathan . He peeked out of his door to make sure the apartment really was empty . He couldn 't believe how clean the place was . He felt slightly guilty that his mom had cleaned up the place . It made him feel about ten . He sighed and decided to go see Payton and pump her for information about Lucas and Dan . He drove to Payton 's house , and just let himself in as usual . He called out , " Payton ? " He shrugged and looked away . His eyes fell on a man 's shirt that was on her bed . He remembered that in school he had seen her talking to Jake . He hadn 't dated Payton for a long time , but he still felt friendly towards her , and wanted her to be happy . He picked up the shirt and said , " So what 's the deal with you and Jake ? " Payton didn 't know what to say . Nathan said , " Speaking of Lucas , what 's up with him anyway ? Did something happen between him and Dan ? " Nathan was furious . He didn 't even know exactly why , but he knew he was , and it was all directed at his brother . He got in his car and slammed the door . He revved the engine , and peeled off . He drove recklessly to his parent 's house , and was lucky no cops were around . He screeched to a halt in the driveway . He got out of the car and slammed the door . He had made so much noise that Lucas , who 's bedroom was right at the front of the house , had heard him . Lucas went out to see what was going on in time to see Nathan slamming his door , and leaning on his car . Lucas gave him a tentative smile and tried to sound friendly as he said , " What are you doing here man ? " Nathan stopped leaning on his car and raised his voice even more to say , " Yeah , it 's exactly like that ! Do you realize that I wouldn 't be in this situation at all if it weren 't for you ? If you had stayed in your place at river court , I never would have met Haley . You ruined my life . " Debbie had been going through the house making sure the doors were locked before she got ready for bed , when she heard Nathan 's voice outside the front door . She opened it to see his car driving away and Lucas standing there . She said , " What did he want ? " Debbie not being all that comfortable with Lucas yet said , " Um … . are you sure that 's a good idea ? He sounded angry , and he already hit Dan . And well … . you two do have a history of … . . " Lucas smiled and said , " It 's okay Deb . You don 't have to sugar coat things for me . You 're worried we 'll end up throwing punches . " Lucas walked to Nathan 's apartment for the third time that day . He looked at his watch and realized that in an hour it would be tomorrow . As he was walking he thought , ' How can I convince Nathan that Haley will be back ? How can I get him to confide in me that he 's feeling hurt and abandoned by her ? He 's so lost without her . And I 'm sure it doesn 't help that she 's not calling . ' Lucas thought about the fact that he had left her a bunch of messages that she hadn 't returned until today . And then when she did call back , she had only said a few words to him before she hung up . He was a little disappointed in her , but knew she was hurting too . He thought , ' But I still don 't know what to do about Nathan . ' He wasn 't sure why it popped into his head , but he suddenly heard his Uncle Keith 's voice saying ' Someone should beat some sense into that kid . ' He didn 't get an answer and went in . It was shocking how different the apartment looked since Debbie had cleaned it . He looked around but didn 't see Nathan . He wandered into the bedroom , and saw Nathan sitting against the wall on the floor . There were two empty beers beside him and another in his hand . Lucas noticed that the bed was made , and still had one of Haley 's nighties on the pillow . He was thinking that was odd when Nathan looked up and said with anger , " What the fuck are you doing here Luke ? " Nathan yelled and took the few steps to Lucas and punched him in the face . Lucas fell back and landed on the floor . Lucas shook his head and held his eye saying , " Shit that hurt . " " No she 's not ! " As the last word came out , Nathan 's voice cracked , and he couldn 't stop the tears . He walked away and went into the bathroom shutting the door behind him . Lucas stood and looked at his face in the mirror that was in Haley 's vanity . He could tell it was going to bruise . He noticed all of Haley 's makeup , perfume , and jewelry were still out on the vanity , like they had just been used . He could hear Nathan in the bathroom trying to keep his crying quiet . Lucas went to the door and said , " Nathan . " Lucas knew he was talking about the first gift Nathan had given her , and even if it was a cheep Cracker Jack toy gift , it had sentimental value . " Why ? " Lucas said more to himself than to Nathan . Lucas tried the door and found it wasn 't locked . He looked at Nathan sitting on the edge of the tub . Lucas said , " I should kick your ass for that , but I promised Deb I wouldn 't . " Nathan felt his anger rise again and stood to say , " So what , is she your mom now too ? She needs someone to look after since I 'm gone ? Get the fuck out of my house , and go home to your new parents . " Lucas knew at that point that they would never be able to get to the real issue of Haley until he confessed the real reason he was staying with Dan . Lucas turned away and said , " I have it . " Nathan realized Lucas was talking about the heart condition that had recently given Dan a mild heart attack . Nathan didn 't know what to say . And as the silence lingered all Nathan could feel was guilt . Guilt that he had hit Lucas . Guilt that he had driven Haley away . And he even felt guilt because he knew he didn 't have the condition , and he was glad he didn 't . After a few minutes Lucas said with deadly calm , " If you tell my mother , I 'll find a way to make you suffer . " They stood there for a few more seconds and Nathan thought to himself that he had made a bad decision . He realized that if he really wanted to help Lucas , he should tell Karen , but he would stick to his promise now that he had made it . He looked at his brother and sighed as he said , " Let 's get you some ice for your eye . " Nathan sat back down and said , " What else is there to say . I fucked up the relationship . I 'm sorry I was mad at you . Jeez , I even blamed it on you didn 't I ? " Nathan interrupted and said , " No wait , I need to say this , because I 'm not going to mess up our relationship too . I was an ass back at my parent 's house . I told you this whole thing was your fault , but in reality , the time I had with Haley was the happiest I have ever been in my life . I owe you a debt of gratitude for brining us together , because no matter what else happens in my life , I 'll always know Haley was the best thing that ever happened to me . So thank you for that , and if you want to punch me back , I 'll let you . " He hung up , and Lucas just shook his head . Nathan held the phone up to Lucas and Lucas took it . He pocketed the phone and said , " You are unbelievable Nathan . I don 't want to punch you , but I sure as hell want to beat some sense into you . " Nathan got a little red knowing that Lucas got that phrase from their Uncle Keith , because Lucas had told him about it once when they were talking about the hit and run incident well after the fact . Lucas continued , " You 're skipping school , which knowing your grades , you can 't afford to do . You know how important school is to Haley , and you know for sure that she 's going to just be pissed about that . You just got suspended for a week . You were mean to Ms . Hand , who 's a pretty good teacher . You 're letting yourself go to hell with all the alcohol , and sitting on the couch . When was the last time you played ball ? And to top things off you 're hurting Haley even more , because you 're too stubborn to just call her and apologize ! " Nathan broke down into tears again . Lucas just stood there for a second thinking about things . He knew Nathan needed someone to help him get back on track , and he felt like he owed it to Haley , and to Nathan to try and help . He was thinking about Keith , and how many times Keith had suggested that Nathan needed someone to spank him . Lucas had been spanked a few times when he was quite a bit younger , both by his mom , and by his uncle . He knew it would break down Nathan 's defenses , and that if nothing else , it would let Nathan know that Lucas was seriously unhappy with his recent choices . He looked around and saw that Haley had left a flat wooden hairbrush on her vanity . He picked it up , and walked to Nathan . Nathan had his head in his hands , and wasn 't paying attention . Lucas pulled on Nathan 's upper arm and said , " Come on . " Nathan wasn 't sure where they were going , but he didn 't really care . He got up and let Lucas lead him to the bed . Then as they got to the edge of the bed , Lucas let go of Nathan 's upper arm , and grabbed his wrist . He quickly pulled Nathan 's arm behind his back , and pushed him face down onto the bed . Nathan wasn 't quite sure what was going on , but as he tried to stand up , he found that Lucas was holding him tightly in place . Nathan and Lucas were fairly evenly matched for height , weight , and strength , with Nathan being just slightly taller , but with Lucas gripping his arm behind his back , and his upper half on the bed , Nathan found he was stuck . Nathan yelled , " What the fuck Lucas ? " Lucas started spanking in earnest alternating sides , and making sure every inch of the butt in front of him was covered with swats . In between yelps of pain , Nathan yelled , " Lucas ! Stop it ! You can 't do this ! " Lucas did stop after a while and waited a couple of seconds to let Nathan catch his breath . Then he said , " Nathan , think about the things you 've done this past week . Think about what Haley would say to you about it . " Nathan was close to tears , and decided he needed to say whatever Lucas wanted to hear to be able to get up . But Lucas knew Haley , and he knew what Haley would really say , so Nathan was stuck with telling the truth . He said , " She … . she would be … . . unhappy … . . angry with me … . . she would … . . tell me to get my ass to school …… . she would probably start tutoring me again until I caught up . " " Right again . Now , when I let you up , you are going to call Haley , and tell her how you really feel . She deserves to know that you miss her , and that you want her to come home , and that you didn 't mean what you said before she left . " Lucas didn 't give Nathan time to respond , but started spanking him again . Nathan had the chance to yell , " Stop ! Damn it , Stooooop ! " before he broke down crying . Lucas kept spanking for a few more seconds , to make sure Nathan wasn 't going to be able to just pull himself together right after it was done . Once it was done , Lucas let go of Nathan 's wrist , and went to put the hairbrush back where he had found it . He turned back around , and found that instead of standing up , Nathan had gotten up on the bed , and was laying on his side holding Haley 's nightie . Lucas felt a rush of emotions for both his brother and for Haley who had been his sister way before she was his sister in law . He went over and sat on the edge of the bed . He patted Nathan 's shoulder and said , " Nathan … . Nate , it 's going to be okay . Haley will come home , and I truly believe you two will work things out . She loves you . " Lucas got up and walked into the kitchen . He was surprised to see the refrigerator , freezer , and cupboards were all full of food . He made some soup and a sandwich because it was quick and easy . When he was done he went back in to see if Nathan was doing all right . He said , " The food 's ready Nate . " Nathan wiped at his face and got up . He kept his head down as he went into the kitchen . Nathan stood at the counter and put bites in his mouth without thinking much about it . His mind kept racing between what Lucas had done , and how Haley would feel about everything that had been going on . Lucas got some ice in a towel and held it to his eye , which was starting to hurt more . He sat on one of the counter stools , which was across from where Nathan was standing . Lucas said gently , " Nate … . . you know that I love Haley . She 's been my friend and a sister to me since we were little . And you and I … . . well , we 're just starting a new relationship , trying to be brothers even though our Dad 's … . well , Dan . I just want to let you know that if you were anyone else , I would have just walked away . " Lucas was relieved that Nathan wasn 't still yelling at him to get out , or trying to throw more punches . Lucas gave a half smile and said , " Emotionally ? Yes . Physically ? Probably not . " Lucas thought about it and said , " I won 't tell her if it stops . Starting tomorrow you go to see Coach Whitey and see if he can get your suspension lifted . And if that doesn 't work , and you need me to , I can help you catch up on what you missed . You also better stop drinking , and start eating something besides pizza . You have all kinds of food in the house that 's going to go bad if you don 't use it . " Lucas noticed Nathan wasn 't eating anymore , and he got out his cell phone . He dialed Haley 's number . He said , " Hi Haley , it 's Lucas . Nathan and I had a talk . He 's been really hurting since you 've been gone , and he was trying to hide it on that last message . Here he is again to tell you the truth . " He handed the phone to Nathan . Nathan said , " Haley … . I … . I love you , and I want you to come home . I didn 't mean what I said . Honest . I just … . kept picturing you with Chris , and … . . and I was jealous . Stupid , I know . I 'm so sorry . I hope the tour is … . going well , and I can 't wait to see you when it 's done . I miss you … . so much …… " Lucas couldn 't help but laugh . He laughed long and hard at the thought . Nathan looked confused . Lucas caught his breath and finally got out , " Sorry man , that 's just the funniest thing I 've heard in a long time . Trust me , that thought , never crossed my mind . Haley and I find guilt to be an effective motivator . She would feel so bad that I had taken up all that time and energy to find her , that she would have to call you just to feel better about it . " Nathan searched Lucas ' face for any signs of a lie , but found none . He nodded in understanding . They were silent for a few minutes and then Lucas said , " I better get home . " Nathan said , " Speaking of guilt . You know you have to tell your mom about it . " The next morning Nathan 's alarm went off early . He got up and got ready for school just in case Coach Whitey was able to get him back in . He took his basketball , and as he was about to leave , he saw an envelope that had been slipped under his door . He opened it and saw one of Payton 's drawings . It was of two hands with wedding rings , and the caption said , " Sometimes they come back . " Nathan looked at it for a minute wanting to believe it , and then left the apartment . He went to the river court to practice for half an hour before school started . While he was there Karen showed up . He didn 't see her at first and she called out , " Nathan ? " Nathan turned and saw her . They had never had much contact other then hearing about each other through Dan , Debbie , Lucas , and Haley . Nathan said , " Ms . Roe . What are you doing here ? " Karen looked lost and hurt as she sat down on the bleachers . Nathan felt bad and went to sit beside her . It hurt to sit , and he thought it would be better if he didn 't get to go to school today . But he thought Karen could use some comfort , so he stayed sitting . They sat in silence for a while and then he said , " I 'm sorry my dad was such a Dick to you . I 've been thinking about it a lot lately . It must have really hurt . " Nathan couldn 't help himself . It seemed like since Lucas opened the gates , his emotions just kept getting the better of him . He found himself confessing to Karen . He said , " When Haley told me about the tour … . I got mad at her . I told her that if she left with Chris , that it was over … . . I didn 't really mean it … . but she left anyway . " Karen felt for him and said , " Nathan … . . I know what it 's like to have someone you love walk away . But I know Haley . She 's a good person . I know she 'll do the right thing . You just have to have a little faith . " Nathan was so relieved to hear that Karen thought Haley would be back too , that he started to cry . Karen pulled him into a hug and waited him out . Nathan pulled himself together as quick as he could and then wiped at his face . Karen let him go and Nathan said , " Sorry . "

Tonight I had school till way late . I got out at 9 : 45 and still hadn 't given out the book . I went to Danielle 's house afterwards and drove through a couple parking lots on the way . I was driving by Blockbuster and saw a guy and a lady walking out with their little kid in their arms . So I parked and before they got in the car I walked over to the drivers side where the guy was and told him I had something I wanted to give him . I told him I have been giving them out to people because they mean a lot to me and I knew it would bless their life . He didn 't say anything at all I don 't think . I asked him if he had heard of the Mormons before , and he shook his head yes . I told him to check out the website I had written down in the book and walked away . He seemed nice enough . Just didn 't say a whole lot . It 's crazy to think of the power that we have in this church . We are so lucky to be a part of it , if people only knew . Well tonight was a crazy night . I had school from 4 - 5 : 15 , then I went back to work till about 8 : 30 when Danielle got out of her new teacher class . Then I went over to her house for about 30 minutes , then drove across town to Jeanine Taylors house to do home teaching . It went really good . This months lesson was on Christ being a bridge builder . There was a really cool poem in there about an old man … I think I 'm going to go copy and paste it into here , I really liked it . An old man , going a lone highway , Came at the evening , cold and gray , To a chasm , vast and deep and wide , Through which was flowing a sullen tide . The old man crossed in the twilight dim ; The sullen stream had no fears for him ; But he turned when safe on the other sideAnd built a bridge to span the tide . " Old man , " said a fellow pilgrim near , " You are wasting strength with building here ; Your journey will end with the ending day ; You never again must pass this way ; You have crossed the chasm , deep and wide - Why build you the bridge at the eventide ? " The builder lifted his old gray head : " Good friend , in the path I have come , " he said , " There followeth after me todayA youth whose feet must pass this way . This chasm that has been naught to meTo that fair - haired youth may a pitfall be . He , too , must cross in the twilight dim ; Good friend , I am building the bridge for him . Pasted from lds . org Pretty cool message . It was given by Monson who is always an amazing story teller . He talked about how Christ has been through it all , and has made ways for all of us to get through any and all struggles we might have . It was really good . Well anywho , book of mormon story , after we were done there , I still had to give away the book . I was in a different part of town than I usually am , so it was good to have different stores to roam around . I decided to go to wal - mart and see if I could find anyone . While I was walking around the inside of the store I saw these two ladies , who looked maybe a little older than me , walking around . I didn 't do anything about it and decided to leave tPosted by Man , only 12 books left . Kinda crazy . It doesn 't seem like I 've given out that many . Tonight Danielle and Emily came over for Dinner . We had Grill cheese and tomato soup . I made it , and I must admit , it was some pretty amazing stuff … . Heh heh . After dinner was done , Emily went to FHE with the Northstar ward and Dke and I went to give out the book of mormon . Oh , I should probably back up . Heavenly Father humbled me again today . So yesterday in church I had to open my mouth and tell everyone how easy it is to give them out at UNLV because EVERYBODY is looking for a free handout . Well today , I was proved wrong . This kid did not want to take the book . And I was persistant , and still , he wasn 't havin it . So anywho , Dke and I set out on our journey to find someone to take the book for the evening . I wanted to go somewhere different than the wal - mart parking lot I always tend to go to , so we went up to the smiths shopping center on Rancho and Craig . We drove around , and as we were driving past K - mart , I saw a lady standing outside the store . She looked like she was waiting for someone or something . I decided she was the one . So I parked the car and headed over to talk to her . My idea was that when she made eye contact I was going to start up conversation with her . Well she didn 't look at me at all , she actually tried to avoid me . So I walked past her . Then I walked inside K - mart , and walked right back out and walked past her the opposite way thinking she would for sure make eye contact this time . Well she didn 't again ! So I started talking to her anyway . I told her I wanted to give her something that has really blessed my life . I showed her the book and asked if she 'd ever heard of it before . She said she hadn 't , but was nice and accepted the gift . She didn 't say much , but it looked like she could use some happiness in her life . I hope she lets the book work it 's magic . Tonight I had people coming over to watch a movie , and I hadn 't given out my book of Mormon for the day . So before they came , I drove around the Wal - mart / Home Depot parking lots looking for someone . I thought I found them , and got out of the car to give them the book , but once I started walking toward them it didn 't feel right . So I turned around and got back in the car . I drove around for about 30 minutes trying to find someone and didn 't ever feel like it . Well since it was getting late , I decided to head back to my house because people were going to be showing up soon . I got there and Danielle and Emily had just gotten there . I got out and they asked if I had given away the book of mormon yet , and I told them no , but that I was going to do it right then . I tossed them the keys to the house so they could get in , and headed over to my neighbors house . I knocked on the door a couple times and they weren 't answering . Finally after the third knock they came to the door . It 's the neighbors to my immediate right , and I still don 't remember their names , but she came out and I explained to her that I had a really good day at church and that I just wanted to give her a copy of the book of mormon because I knew it would bless her life . She was very nice and took the book . Then we chatted about my dog Marley for a little bit , she really likes that dog . Overall a good experience . Good ol Book of Mormon stories that my teacher tells to me … . Heh heh . Today was a really fun day again . I hung out with Danielle pretty much the whole day . We got up and practiced softball , then we set up for this sadies dinner that Keli ( danielle 's little sister ) was having at their house . It was good . Then I went home , took a nap and changed , then went back over to help entertain the kiddos during dinner . Well after dinner was over , we had planned a surprise birthday party for Emily at Alise 's boyfriend , Timmy 's house . So we rushed over there and long story short , it was a fun lil surprise . She had no idea . Well while we were at the party , time was a tickin and I hadn 't given out the book of mormon yet … so Mark Pruter and I went for a walk in Timmy 's neighborhood to see if we could find anyone . We walked outside and there were some people out sitting in their garage across the way . So I told Mark we should go walk by them and see what happens . We took a stroll over there and as we were walking past their driveway , one of the guys came out of the garage and asked if they could come to the party . We said of course ! As he was holding his beer and cigarette in his hand . He asked if there was any beer at the party , and we said sorry , just a bunch of Mormon kids hangin out , no alcohol . He said it was cool , then we talked about where he was from . His name was Jay and he was from Guam . Mark apparently had a friend that served nearby there so it was good small talk . Then after things started to wrap up , I told him that I had something I wanted to give him . And when I told him what it was and handed it to him , he totally acted different and very gratefully said , " This is for me ? " I told him it was just for him and that it had really blessed my life and I knew it would bless his too . We talked for a couple more seconds , then headed back to the party . It 's crazy how God keeps putting people in my path that are open to learning more . Missionary work is great . Today was a busy day , and I didn 't have school so it wasn 't an easy Book of Mormon day like every other day this week . Tonight I went to Danielle 's softball game and didn 't end up getting done with that till around 11 : 00 . Well I needed gas , so I went to the gas station and there was a nice looking guy who apparently was a security guard , getting gas . I walked over to him and told him that I wanted to give him something that has blessed my life , and showed him the book of mormon . He wasn 't very enthusiastic , but he didn 't seem upset about it or anything . Just said thanks , and set it on his car and finished pumping his gas . I hope that each of these books find their way into somebodies heart sooner or later . As long as at least one person 's life is blessed because of this , it would make it all worth it . Not a very exciting experience today , just an easy give away at UNLV . I was walking to my car from my spanish class and there was a girl who was walking along side of me . It was kind of funny because my G . Q . ( golden question ) totally backfired . I said to her my classic line , " Do you like to read ? " It was great because she told me that she really didn 't like to read . I told her I wanted to give her something anyway . I pulled the book out and showed it to her . She was nice and said she would take it . I told her to check out the website and she said she would . I wonder how far this whole giving away copies of the book of mormon will reach . Ya know what I mean ? I wonder if it 'll be a person I give the book to , or if it will be somehow related to the person I give the book to . Another interesting thing , is that I totally think that I 'm doing this for myself more than anything , I am definitely getting over my fear of sharing the book of mormon with people . Good stuff . Tonight was my long night at school . I have a class from 4 : 00 till 5 : 15 , then my next class doesn 't start till 7 : 00 and goes till 9 : 45 . Looooong day . Well today at school I was walking with Trey over to the institute building and as we were getting close , I saw a lady walking who deserved the book of mormon . I stopped her real quick and told her I 'd like to give her a book . She was a little hesitant at first , but I showed her what it was and told her that it had blessed my life so that 's why I was sharing it with her . She totally loosened up , and thanked me for it and walked away . Giving books away at UNLV is so easy it almost takes the fun out of it . Everybody is accepting there ! Tonight I had my first class at UNLV . The Book of Mormon is going to be sooo easy to give out here . Everyone is searching for something ! They 're all trying to find direction in their lives ! So tonight I didn 't have a pen to write in the front of the book , so I had to stop in 7 - Eleven to borrow a pen . As I walked out , I was headed toward my car and there was a kid walking towards me . I asked him how he was doing and told him I wanted to give him something . He was VERY accepting . I asked if he 'd ever seen the book before , he said he hadn 't . So I asked if he had heard of the Mormons before , and he said he had , just that he 'd never seen the book . I told him that I wrote down a website in the front of the book and that it has a lot of answers to common questions that people have . I told him that I was giving out the book because it had blessed my life so much that I wanted it to bless somebody else . He was way cool , and thanked me for it as we parted ways . College is sweet , giving out the book of mormon is going to be a lot of fun while I 'm here . SO ! Today was crazy ! I hung out with Danielle all day and it was one of the best days I 've had in a long time . Not only for Book of Mormon purposes , but just the whole day in general was great . But listen to this book of mormon story . So Danielle dropped me off to pick up my grandmas car because my truck is broken still . So on my way back to her house , I stopped by the shopping center by her house to see if I could find the person to get the book of mormon . I was cruising through the pretty empty parking lot and saw a few people so I decided to put the car in park and start walking around . Well right as I get out of the car , I see a lady walk out of the nearby store . I started walking toward her , and she walked between some cars , I thought she was going to get in the cars , but she didn 't . All of the sudden she was right by me . So I asked her how she was doing . She said fine and kept walking . I told her that I wanted to give her something real quick . She turned around and said " what do you got ? " She was kind of snippy , and didn 't look very happy . I showed her it was the book of mormon and she frieked out . " You 've got to be kidding me ! I can 't believe this is happening ! I walk out of that store , where they just made me so frusterated praying to God for help and look who shows up ! I can 't believe this … " So obviously I was a bit surprised … and I told her that I was sent to her right then . The story in a nutshell was that her dad and brother were LDS and they had both passed away now . But that she went to church when she was a little girl . She told me about how about 6 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer and that she can 't work anymore and has gotten behind on the rent . She said that she called the bishop of her area and he told her he could not help her with the rent . She was very mad at him and the church because she thought they would always be there for her , but now that she needed them , they weren 't . She said her 20 year old daughter a couple weeks ago lost her baby at 15 weeks , so they had been struggliKenny Tonight was crazy , I got rejected twice ! I didn 't let the second guy go away empty handed though . So it all started off because today in church I told the elders quorum that out of the previous 20 books I had given out , not one person wasn 't accepting . I guess I just needed to learn my lesson a little . So Danielle and I went out to find someone tonight . We drove over to the wal - mart parking lot and I say a guy walking with his two boys . So I think the first problem was that I was still in church clothes . So they for sure thought I was a missionary . I jumped out of the car and said , " How ya doin ? " and he totally answered me just like people used to do it on the mission , " I 'm good " while he 's looking the other way and trying to get in his car as soon as possible . I was a ways away still and didn 't want to let him get away so I said , " Just real quick I wanted to give you something . " And he yelled , " no thanks " . So I insisted that it was just a book and that it would bless his life . And he said , " No , I don 't want anything " and got into his car . Ouch . No good . So I got back in the car with Danielle and we took off to find someone else . We pulled up to a gas station and there was a guy filling up water bottles . I decided to go talk to him , and I was barely able to get out that I wanted to give him something and he was already saying no . I insisted that it was his choice if he wanted to do anything with it , but that I still really wanted him to have it . He shrugged his shoulders and said " What the hell … . " Funny that he 'd say that while receiving a book of mormon . So today 's lesson was don 't get prideful . It 's still hard and I need to make sure I don 't start thinking that it is just anyone that can receive the book . I was a slacker the past week and didn 't write down many of the experiences of giving out the book of Mormon . It was an interesting week , it got kind of difficult to give out the book . I realized that I needed to give it out earlier in the day , because the later it got , the harder it was to approach people . Here is the short list of people from this week . 1 - 15 - I am totally a slacker and can not remember who I gave the book to on this night . I know I gave it out and if I remember I 'll come back and edit this . 1 - 16 Guy at the Texaco - I drove around forever trying to find someone , granted I started looking at like 11 : 15 at night . First mistake . I finally found a guy at the gas station to give it to . He was inside buying a drink so I went in too . I got done before him so I just stood outside by my truck until he came out . Then as he was walking by , I told him that I told myself I was going to give this book to someone today , and here we were , 11 : 45 at night with 15 minutes to spare . He saw it was the book of Mormon and was really nice about it and thanked me a couple times . 1 - 17 Guy at Costco - Randy and I left work a couple minutes early so that we could go buy a projector from Costco . When we got there , right as I got out of the truck there was a really nice guy pushing his cart right close by . I went back to the truck and grabbed the book and approached him . I asked if he liked to read , and he said yes . So I extended him the book and asked if he 'd ever heard of it before . He said he had . I bore him a quick testimony and we parted ways . He seemed really nice . 1 - 18 Girl at coyotes - This evening , we went out with a couple friends to eat at Danielle 's favorite place , Coyotes . I was carrying the book of Mormon in my back pocket because I didn 't have my truck because it broke down this morning . So we went and ate at the restaurant and as we were leaving there was a waitress outside the front door taking a smoke . She was really nice and said goodnight to all of us . My guess was that she was about the same age as us . AsKenny Tonight was not too exciting . It was a night of overcoming a fear for me . For some reason I felt scared tonight when I was trying to find someone to share the book with . And when I found the guy I wanted to give it to , I almost didn 't do it because of fear . Fear is not Godly , so I knew I had to put it aside . But that is REALLY hard to do sometimes ! I went to the gas station on the way home , and saw a nice looking younger guy , maybe 30 or so , just finishing pumping his gas . He went inside after he finished , and I timed it just right so that I was walking in , just as he was walking out . I really felt scared for some reason , and the craziest part is that I didn 't know why I felt scared ! Well he came out , I was walking in , and I told him that I had a book I wanted to share with him . I handed him the book of mormon and he kept getting into his car . I kinda kept going the other way and as I was walking about asked if he had ever heard of the book of mormon , he said " sure , why not . " and got in the car . Tonight was definitely a teaching moment to myself to help me overcome fear . Stinkin satan really knows how to get us at our weak spots and it really is a constant battle to stay on top of it . I don 't know what will happen with that book , but it 's now in the hands of a non - member so hopefully someday , somebody down the line will pick it up and start to read it . I know it will bless their life . Tonight I came to the realization that since I 'm giving out 40 copies of the book of mormon , every one of my neighbors should have one in their house as well ! So I decided I was going to give it to one of them tonight . I got home and Danielle came over , and the house I wanted to give it to was all dark , so I felt bad knocking . But they 'll get it another night … So I went across the street and knocked on the door with the lit up porch . They had one of those darn one way screen doors , ya know the kind where they can see me but I look like a weirdo talking to nobody … anywho , I told him that I was from across the street and that I wanted to give him something . I extended him the book and he opened the door to take it and said thank you . He seemed nice enough about it , so I asked him his name , and it was David . Conversation didn 't go very far after that , except for when I was walking away he said , " hey , I noticed that you decorated your house for christmas , do you want a wreath ? " I thought that was rather nice of him , even though I had no idea what I 'd do with a wreath … He told me to come check it out because it was a big one . Turns out its like 10 feet long , and its not a circle wreath , it 's like garlin ( if that is the word ) . It was pretty sweet lookin ! Although I had no idea where I 'd keep it . Well he told me him and his son would bring it over in the morning . I thanked him and ran back over to the house . I 'll get a book of mormon in the house of everyone on my street , you watch ! Well tonight I drove around by myself for quite a while , and wasn 't able to find anyone who I felt was the one for the book of mormon … I finally decided just to head back towards the house and see what happens . I got all the way home and didn 't find anyone . Then my parents called and they were close by doing some shopping . So I decided to go meet up with them and have them help me give out the book . We drove around for a while , they kept offering lots of people to give it to . As we drove around , my dad finally decided that we should say a prayer to help us find the right person . After we had finished the prayer we drove through the home depot parking lot and saw a man carrying some wood looking for his car . We decided that he was the right one for the book . So we went out and parked and my dad and I started walking in towards the store . We passed by the guy and I said hello to him . Then I said that I wanted to give him a book . When I showed him it was the book of mormon , he said " I sorry , I don 't speak much english " . So I said , " Oh ! Esta bien , hablas espanol ? " and he said he did and kinda chuckled … I totally think he spoke english but tried to get out of it . Anyway , I talked to him the rest of the time in spanish and told him to check out the Website and there he would be able to find all the information he might need in spanish . He was really nice , his name was Jesus … Gotta love that . Well today was the first time I had to talk the guy into taking the book . He was a little resistant at first , but it went good after a little bit . So the story goes , tonight Trey Tagliaferi , and Jeff Evans and I went out to Buffalo Wild Wings for something to eat . After we were done the hunt began . We drove around for seriously 20 minutes trying to find someone to give the book of mormon to . Finally we found the guy , they had just pulled up at the gas station and so we followed them in . The driver stayed in the car with his window down while his two passengers got out and went inside . I pulled up to the nearby pump and just started small talking with him . Then I asked him if he liked to read . He said no , but that he had the internet so he read on there … . ( I was a little confused by his comment so I said ) So you like to read , but just on the internet ? He said well yeah , and books . So I said I had a great book for him to read , one that would bless his life . I pulled out the book of mormon and he said , oh the bible ? I said no , actually it 's another testament of Jesus Christ , just like the Bible . When he saw it was a Book of Mormon , he said , oh no I don 't need that . No no no , I believe in Jesus Christ , not that book . And I told him that I believed in Jesus Christ too . Then he said yeah , there 's only the Father , the son , and the holy ghost . And I said , yeah I believe in that too ! Then he said , no you can keep the book , I don 't need it , only Christ can save me . And once again , I said , yeah I believe that too ! Then I asked him to please just take the book . It 's free . I told him he didn 't have to do anything with it , but I hoped he would at least read the introduction to actually learn about the book . I told him I bet he thinks I worship Joseph Smith doesn 't he ? And he said , yeah that guy . I told him that he was a prophet who taught about christ , and that we don 't worship Joseph but that we 're grateful that he gave us what he did . I extended him the book and he took it . I flipped the pages and showed him the introductiPosted by Today I was feeling kind of bad , because it always seems like I wait till the last minute when I 'm trying to give out the book . Well then after feeling bad about it , I STILL waited till the last second . I went with Danielle , Emily and John Ewell out to eat at claim jumper . It was a lot of fun . Well I didn 't give it to anybody there , then we went back to Danielle 's house , and I didn 't see anyone to give it to either . So I hung out there for a little bit , then decided to head home . I got all the way into my garage and realized that I hadn 't given it to anyone . So I didn 't even get out of the car , and decided to go to Wal - mart . I got there and didn 't see anyone in the parking lot . So I decided to go in and walk around for a bit . I really wasn 't in the mood to just give it to some stranger , only because it was the easy thing to do . I wanted to give it to someone who would make a difference . Well I wasn 't really finding anyone , so I went back to the electronics section . And right as I walked into electronics , I saw a girl that used to be in 2 of my classes last semester . A really nice girl who was very quiet and kind of acted like a stoner . But her an I were always good friends I guess you could say . We smiled at each other whenever we 'd see each other . So I walked up to her and said hey , she remembered me . We small talked for a second , and then before I left I pulled the BOM out of my pocket and told her it had blessed my life and I knew it would bless hers and help her find true happiness . She said , that she hoped it would help . I thought that was interesting . I had to ask her what her name was because we were never really introduced to each other . Her name was Tanya , and who knows if I 'll ever see her again , but I know that book will have an impact on her life one way or another . Well tonight I had a little bit of a different experience , it was something that I usually wouldn 't have done . I had to stay late at work to get some files caught up , and after I left I went to Danielle 's house . On the way I stopped to get gas . Well all the pumps were full so I was parked waiting for someone to move . While I was sitting there a homeless guy came up to my window and asked for some money . All I had was a dollar . We chatted for a second , turns out he was born in Germany and can 't get any paperwork set up with immigration because he doesn 't have his birth certificate . So after a little bit , I decided I wanted to give him a pass - a - long card as well . Well anywho , that 's all I had , and a spot opened up so I went and got gas . He was walking around the pumps and walked by me again and we chatted again for another couple seconds . Then before my truck was finished , I ran inside and bought a bag of chips , a ham and turkey sandwich , and a pint of milk . I went outside and finished pumping my gas . At that time he was around the corner of the building . So I pulled over there and told him that for some reason I felt differently about him . And I believed his story for some reason and really wanted to help him . I told him I bought him some stuff , and that I wanted to give him a book that would help him find real happiness . I handed him the book and he asked if it was a bible . Told him it was a lot like the bible , but that it contained everything the bible was missing , and that together with the bible , they contained the fulness of Christ 's teachings . He said that he loved jesus christ and that he prayed every morning and every night . Usually I wouldn 't give a book of mormon to somebody who really wouldn 't do anything with it , but for some reason I thought he would . So I drove off and got a little ways down the road and realized I didn 't know his name . I flipped a u - turn and went back to the gas station . Turns out his name is Thomas Lösch . Hopefully he 'll be blessed in some way from the book of mormon . Today was fun , we went to soccer tonight . We got there at 8 : 00 and nobody else was there and I wasn 't planning on anybody getting there till 8 : 30 at least . So it was me , Trey Tagliaferi , Enrique , and Tivo just hanging out waiting for people to come . Well some people that we didn 't know came up to us and asked if they could play with us . I told them yeah , but that we were waiting for a few more people . They said , well lets just play right now . So we said sure of course , and played with them the whole time . While we were playing , I found out it was a dad and his two kids , and one of their friends … . So before the game was over , I ran out to the truck and grabbed a book of mormon and wrote my testimony about eternal families in it . After the game was over , I went over and told them thanks for playing and gave them the book . The Dad 's name was Carlos so I gave it to him . He was very nice and openly accepted the book . I let him know it had changed my life and that it would change his . Pretty exciting stuff . Today I went with Danielle out on a couple errands . While we were out we decided to read helaman chapter 1 . It was a good chapter about wars and how Coriantemer ( sp ? ) was killed in a battle . Well anywho , we were looking for people as we were driving around and reading . We drove into the Albertsons parking lot and Danielle spotted a guy walking his cart out to his car with his little boy . So we decided that he was the one for the night . We pulled up to him and I asked if he believed in Christ . He said he did , so I handed him I wanted to give him a book . I asked if he had everr heard of the mormons and he said he had . I told him my testimony real quick about how it 's blessed my life . He seemed really nice and his boy looked real good too . I hope they can grow to learn about eternal families and how he and his boy will never be separated after this life . Well today is Sunday and Bishop talked a lot about giving out the book of Mormon to the ward . Its interesting because it 's kind of harder to give out a book on a Sunday because I don 't go shopping or anything , so I don 't have an opportunity to cross paths with many non - members . So tonight , I was headed home from my parents house , and I came to an intersection and the light was red . I looked over to my left and there was a guy in an older Jeep Cherokee , just him and his dog . I thought for a split second that he was the one that needed the book , but I brushed it off . Then I looked to the right and saw Craig Cuff sitting in his car . So I harassed him for a bit till he noticed it was me , then the light turned green so we left . Then I get to the next light which is where I have to turn right to keep heading toward my house . I looked behind me in the turn lane and realized that the guy in the Jeep was right behind me . The thought crossed my mind that I should run back and give it to him . But I brushed it off as well . The light turned green and we left again . Now we 're both driving for a ways and I told myself at the next red light I was going to give it to him . I quickly wrote something in it while I was driving and as I looked up I noticed him turning right into a shopping center right by my house . So I quickly turned around and followed him . He pulled up to a smoke shop and I stopped behind him and waited for him to get out of his car . He got out and I got his attention by asking if he knew where a nearby street was . He told me it was down just a little further . Then I told him I had something for him , and showed him the book . I told him it was a book of Mormon and that I knew it would change his life . When I said book of Mormon he immediately said " Oh , I 've got this book ! " but then quickly said that he wants to keep this one . He seemed really nice . I asked him what his name was … but unfortunately I 've forgotten it , but I do know his brothers name … When I introduced myself , he said , " That 's my brother 's name ! " . IPosted by Today I met my new friend Felipe . I was hanging out with Ross , Danielle and Emily ( BFF ) , we went and saw the movie " The Great Debaters " . I was thinking I would find someone there , but didn 't feel it with anyone we saw . Well on the way home we stopped by Wal - mart , and I was hoping to give out the book there . But still no luck . Then we left the parking lot and just started driving . I saw a guy walking across Craig and decided he was the one . So I parked the car in the nearby parking lot and left everyone in the car and ran out to the street to talk to him . I walked out and said " what 's up ? " He said nothing and asked if I knew were the closest bus stop was . I told him I wasn 't sure , but asked him where he was headed . He told me just down the street to Decatur . So I told him I could give him a ride . He jumped in the car and we took off . We small talked , introduced everybody , found out that he was from California and had lived her for 10 years . He has a wife , an 8 year old and a one year old , and his sister lives with them . Well then once we got closer I asked him if he was religious , he said yeah , but that he never went . He asked if we were religious so we told him that we were all mormon . He said he had some mormon friends and acted really cool about it all . Soon we pulled up to Wal - mart and said goodbye to him . He got out of the car , then I got out on the other side and told him that I had a something for him . I told him it was a book or mormon and that I knew it would bless his life . He seemed pretty excited about it . I told him my number was in the front and that he could call me if he had any questions . He said he would definitely " hit me up sometime " . As we were pulling away , Danielle told me to tell him to read it in his hour long break he now has before he has to work since we got him there so early . So I yelled it out the window to him , he laughed . These books are going to touch someone 's life , if not Felipe 's then someone close to him . Posted by So I JUST gave out book # 4 . It was interesting because I didn 't know if I was going to go out tonight . I just got some cool recording stuff and wanted to just stay here and play it all night long . Well while I was playing , the doorbell rang . It was a kid selling subscriptions to the newspaper . I totally wasn 't interested and told him no like 30 times I swear . But he was a dang good salesman . So eventually he talked me into buying a subscription for 13 weeks of the Sunday newspaper for 20 bucks . So while I was writing down my info , I invited him in . He saw the piano and asked to play it , then saw the guitar and asked to play that . He was a pretty cool kid . His name was Jeremy . He went to Cimmaron and graduated in 2004 . Anywho , so before he left , I realized that he was the one supposed to get the book tonight . So when I was walking him out the front , we small talked for a second , then I told him I had something for him . I walked over to my truck and grabbed the book . I then told him how much it 's blessed my life and that I knew it would bless his too . I showed him the website that I had written down in front of the book , and told him to check it out . He said , " oh yeah totally , like keep an open mind to all things right ? " I said exactly man . We shook hands and he headed down the street . Seemed like a real bright kid . He 'd make a great missionary someday with those salesman skills ! So this one was a little different . I had previously decided that tonight I was going to give the book of mormon to someone who lived with in the boundries of the Centennial Hills ward and who looked like they were single . So I went to Ross over in that area . I shopped around for a bit , picked out some pants and shoes and a shirt and tie combo , then when I was checking out , there was a girl behind me who looked like the perfect candidate to receive a copy of the BOM . So since I checked out first , I went out to the truck and wrote in the book of mormon real fast something along the lines of " Hey there , I 'm sorry if this is creepy , some stranger coming up to you in a dark parking lot , but I felt like I was supposed to give this to you . I know it will bless your life like it 's blessed mine . Please check out the website , it has some great answers to some common questions that a lot of people have . Let me know if you have any questions . " Soooo … I waited out in my car for a while , then she finally came outside . She was parked pretty close to me so when she was walking by I got out and said sorry for stopping her real fast . You could tell she was a little frieked out . Then I told her I don 't want to be a creep , I just want to give her this book real quick then I 'll take off . So I extended the book to her , she took it and said " oh you 're mormon ? " I said yeah and she told me that she had seen the book before . I said really ? And she responded by saying , " uh yeah , I do live in vegas . " What , like living in sin city and being a mormon go hand in hand ? Heh heh … I didn 't say that , but I thought it . I asked her if she 's ever been to church . She said she hadn 't , so I told her she should come sometime and that she 'd really enjoy it . I jumped back in the truck and took off . Who knows what 'll happen , but maybe if that book doesn 't touch her , it 'll touch someone else . Pretty cool . This evening I went to the temple with Jaron Wilson , Josh Fernandez , and Nick Becker . We went and did sealings with Nancy Ball for our ward temple assignment . It was really good . On the way home , we decided to stop and get some food at Arby 's . After we had finished eating we were walking towards the car , and there was a guy in front of us heading towards his car as well . As he got to his car , he turned around and checked every one of us out . ( you could tell he was thinking we were religious because we were all dressed in shirts and ties ) So when his eyes locked with mine , I asked him how he was doing and if he liked to read . He enthusiatically answered yes as well . So I said hang on one second . I walked over to Jaron 's truck were I had a copy of the Book of Mormon in my temple bag , grabbed the book and walked back over to him . He asked if we were Jehovah witness , so I cleared that up real quick . I then explained to him that the Book of Mormon had changed my life . He told me he was a christian and that he loved learning . So I then further explained that the Book of Mormon is a record of Christ 's visit to the American continent . He actually seemed to be understanding . I asked him to check out the website I had written in the front of the book , and to call me if he had any questions . He extended a handshake and we went our separate ways . Posted by I had just left Deseret Book and was driving down the road when I saw a guy sitting on the ground at a bus stop with a couple back packs . I felt like he should be the person I gave the first Book of Mormon to . I pulled over , and wrote a quick note inside the cover . I walked up behind him and said " Hey what 's up ? Do you like to read ? " He said yes so I knelt down beside him and handed him the Book of Mormon . He was excited and seemed to recognize the book . He immediately started flipping through the pages . He then asked me if I go to church , I told him of course , and he said , " Well hey ! Can you take this bag of clothes there for me ? " and he pointed to one of his 3 backpacks . He said he was planning on taking them to homeless people downtown , but he wanted me to donate them to the church instead . I said of course , and that I would be honored to drop that off for him . He told me he was headed downtown , and that his name was Eric . Really nice guy , had to be in his twenty 's . He looked homeless himself , but I couldn 't tell for sure . He would make a great member of the church , I could see the light of Christ in him . I dropped the clothes off at Deseret Industries on my way home . Posted by

On my wedding day , I carried my wife in my arms . The bridal car stopped in front of our one - room flat . My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms . So I carried her into our home . She was then plump and shy . I was a strong and happy bridegroom . This was the scene of ten years ago . The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water : we had a kid ; I went into business and tried to make more money . When the assets were steadily increasing , the affections between u seemed to ebb . She was a civil servant . Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time . Our kid was studying in a boarding school . Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy . ! But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes . Then Dew ( name ) came into my life … It was a sunny day . I stood on a spacious balcony . Dew hugged me from behind . My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love . This was the apartment I bought for her . Dew said , " You are the kind of man who best draws girls ' eyeballs . Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife . When we just married , my wife said , " Men like you , once successful , will be very attractive to girls . " Thinking of this , I became somewhat hesitant . I knew I had betrayed my wife . But I couldn 't help doing so . I moved Dew 's hands aside and said , " You go to select some furniture , O . K . ? I 've got something to do in the company . " Obviously she was unhappy , because I had promised to go and see it with her . At the moment , the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me . However , I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it . No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her , she would be deeply hurt . Honestly , she was a good wife . Every evening she was busy with work around the house . I was sitting in front of the TV . Then we watched TV together . Or , I was lounging before the computer , visualizing Dew 's body . This was the means of my entertainment . One day I said to her in a slight joking way , " suppose we divorce , what will you do ? " She stared at me for a few seconds without a word . Apparently she believed that ' divorce ' was something too far away from her . I couldn 't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious . When my wife went to my office , Dew had just stepped out . Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her . She seemed to have got some hint . She gently smiled at my subordinates . But I read some hurt in her eyes . Once again , Dew said to me , " He Ning , divorce her , O . K . ? Then we live together . " I nodded . I knew I could not hesitate any more . When my wife served the last dish , I held her hand . " I 've got something to tell you , " I said . She sat down and ate quietly . Again I observed the hurt in her eyes . Suddenly I didn 't know how to open my mouth . But I had to let her know what I was thinking . " I want a divorce . " I raised a serious topic calmly . She didn 't seem to be much annoyed by my words , instead she asked me softly , " why . . ? " . " I 'm serious . " I avoided her question . This so - called answer turned her angry . She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me , " you are not a man ! " . And that night , we didn 't talk to each other . She was weeping . I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage . But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer , because my heart had gone to Dew . With a deep sense of guilt , I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house , our car , and 30 % stake of my company . She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces . I felt a pain in my heart . The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day . But I could not take back what I had said . Finally she cried loudly in front of me , which was what I had expected to see . To me her cry was actually a kind of release . The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer . A late night , I came back home after entertaining my clients . I saw her writing something at the table . I fell asleep fast . When I woke up , I found she was still there . I turned over and was asleep again . She brought up her divorce conditions : she didn 't want anything from me , but I was supposed to give her one month 's time before the divorce , and in the month 's time we must live as normal life as possible . Her reason was simple : our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn 't want him to see our marriage was broken . She passed me the agreement she drafted , and then asked me , " He Ning , do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day ? " This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me . I nodded and said , " I remember . . " . " You carried me in your arms " , she continued , " so , I have a requirement , that is , you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce . From now to the end of this month , you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning . " I accepted with a smile . I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form . I told Dew about my wife 's divorce conditions . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd . " No matter what tricks she does , she has to face the result of divorce , " she said scornfully . Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable . My wife and I hadn 't had any body contact since my divorce intention . I carried her out for the first day , we both appeared clumsy . Our son clapped behind us , " daddy is holding mummy in his arms . " His words brought me a sense of pain . From the bedroom to the sitting room , then to the door , I walked over ten meters with her in my arms . She closed her eyes and said softly , " Let us start from today , don 't tell our son . " I nodded , feeling somewhat upset . I put her down outside the door . She went to wait for the bus , I drove to office . On the second day , both of us acted much more easily . She leaned on my chest . We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse . I realized that I hadn 't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time . I found she was not young any more . There were some fine wrinkles on her face . On the third day , she whispered to me , " The outside garden is being demolished . Be careful when you pass there . " On the fourth day , when I lifted her up , I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms . The visualization of Dew became vaguer . On the fifth and sixth day , she kept reminding me something , such as , where she put the ironed shirts , I should be careful while looking , etc . I nodded . The sense of intimacy was even stronger . I didn 't tell Dew about this . I felt it was easier to carry her . Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger . I said to her , " It seems not difficult to carry you now . " She was picking her dresses . I was waiting to carry her out . She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one . Then she sighed , " All my dresses have grown fatter . " I smiled . But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily , not because I was stronger . I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart . Again , I felt a sense of pain . Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head . Our son came in at the moment . " Dad , it 's time to carry mum out . " He said . To him , seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life . She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly . I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute . I held her in my arms , walking from the bedroom , through the sitting room , to the hallway . Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally . I held her body tightly , as if we came back to our wedding day . But her much lighter weight made me sad . On the last day , when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step . Our son had gone to school . She said , " Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old . . " I held her tightly and said , " Both you and I didn 't notice that our life was lack of such intimacy . " I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door . I was afraid any delay woulThe Cost of a Miracle ! Posted by contactng under Touching Heart Leave a Comment An eight - year - old child heard her parents talking about her little brother . All she knew was that he was very sick and they had no money left . They were moving to a smaller house because they could not afford to stay in the present house after paying the doctor 's bills . Only a very costly surgery could save him now and there was no one to loan them the money . When she heard daddy say to her tearful mother with whispered desperation , ' Only a miracle can save him now ' , the child went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jar from its hiding place in the closet . She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully . Clutching the precious jar tightly , she slipped out the back door and made her way six blocks to the local drug Store . She took a quarter from her jar and placed it on the glass counter . " And what do you want ? " asked the pharmacist . " It 's for my little brother , " the girl answered back . " He 's really really sick and I want to buy a miracle . " " I beg your pardon ? " said the pharmacist . " His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my daddy says only a miracle can save him . So how much does a miracle cost ? " " Listen , I have the money to pay for it . If it isn 't enough , I can try and get some more . Just tell me how much it costs . " " I don 't know , " she replied with her eyes welling up . " He 's really sick and mommy says he needs an operation . But my daddy can 't pay for it , so I have brought my savings " . " How much do you have ? " asked the man . " Well , what a coincidence , " smiled the man . " A dollar and eleven cents the exact price of a miracle for little brothers . " He took her money in one hand and held her hand with the other . He said , " Take me to where you live . I want to see your brother and meet your parents . Let 's see if I have the kind of miracle you need . " That well - dressed man was Dr Carlton Armstrong , a surgeon , specializing in neuro - surgery . The operation was completed without charge and it wasn 't long before Andrew was home again and doing well . " That surgery , " her mom whispered , " was a real miracle . I wonder how much it would have cost ? " The little girl smiled . She knew exactly how much the miracle cost one dollar and eleven cents … plus the faith of a little child . On the last day before Christmas , I hurried to go to the supermarket to buy the remaining of the gift I didn 't Manage to buy earlier . When I saw all the people there , I started to complain to myself , " It is going to take forever here and I still have so Many other places to go . Christmas really is getting more and more annoying every year . How I wish I could just lie down , go to sleep and only wake up after it … " Nonetheless , I made my way to the toy section , and there I started to curse the prices , wondering if after all kids really play with such expensive toys . While looking in the toy section , I noticed a small Boy of about 5 years old , pressing a doll against his chest . He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad . I wondered who this doll was for . Then the little boy Turned to the old woman next to him , " Granny , are you sure I don 't have enough money ? " The old lady replied , " You know that you don 't have enough money to buy this doll , my dear . " Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around . She left quickly . The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand . Finally , I started to walk toward him and I asked him who he wanted to give this doll to . " It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted So much for this Christmas . She was so sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her . " I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus will bring it to her , after all , and not to worry . But he replied to me sadly . " No , Santa Claus can not bring it to her where she is now . I have to give the doll to my Mother so that she can give it to her when she goes there . " His eyes were so sad while saying this . " My sister has gone to be with God . Daddy says That Mummy will also go to see God very soon , so I thought that she could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister . " My heart nearly stopped . The little boy looked up at me and said , " I told daddy to tell mummy not to go yet . I asked him to wait until I come back from the supermarket . " Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing . He then told me , " I also want mummy to take this photo with her so that she will not forget me . " I love my mummy and I wish she doesn 't have to leave me but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister . " " Ok , " he said . " I hope that I have enough . " I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it . There was enough for the doll , and even some spare money . The little boy said , " Thank you God for giving me enough money . " Then he looked at me and added , " I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that mummy can give it to my sister . He heard me . " " I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mummy , but I didn 't Dare to ask God too much . But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the white rose . " " You know , my mummy loves white rose . " A few minutes later , the old lady came again and I Left with my trolley . I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started . I couldn 't get the little boy out of my Mind . Then I remembered a local newspaper article 2 days Ago , which mentioned of a drunken man in a truck who hit a car where there was one young lady and a little girl . The little girl died Right away , and the mother was left in a critical state . The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life - assisting machine , because the young lady would not be able to get out of the coma . Was this the family of the little boy ? Two days after this encounter with the little boy , I Read in the newspaper that the young lady had passed away . I couldn 't stop myself and went to buy a bunch of White roses and I went to the mortuary where the body of the young Woman was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial . She was there , in her coffin , holding a beautiful white rose in her Hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her Chest . I left the place crying , feeling that my life had been changed forever . The love that this little boy had for his Mother and his sister is still , to that day , hard to imagine . And in A fraction of a second , a drunken man had taken all this away from him . Posted by contactng under Touching Heart Leave a Comment It was raining heavily outside . Dark clouds gathered in the sky and nature was in its ominous best . I took a break from my work and went to the pantry to grab a cup of coffee . I had a sip and went near the window to see the rain pouring down heavily outside the glass structure . I was inside our huge office building , unruffled by even the fierceness of the nature . Through the heavy transparent glass , I could see a small girl trying to hold on to her umbrella which the wind was snatching away from her . I felt sorry for the girl , and was happy that I was not in a similar pathetic situation . Yes . I take pride for the fact that I am a software engineer . . I have everything which a common man would envy ; money , status , respect , you name it I have it . I always wanted to be software professional and here I am , working for one of the best firms in the world . But then , am I really happy ? Now , I could see an imprint of my palm on the other glass window , through which I reminisced my past , basked in the warmth of the sun shine . My childhood was so much of fun . I vividly remember those rainy days , when I hugged my mother tightly during sleeping listening to all the stories told by her . Now , I have a big house here , but then it is just a house , not a home . My parents are pretty far away from me now . I have a cell phone to talk to them everyday , but then I really miss those dinners which I had with my family everyday . I could easily afford to taste all the different cuisines these days , but the best of food there , lack the love and affection which is present in the food prepared by my mother . I threw a lavish party for my colleagues for my birthday , but then they would never replace the birthdays when my friends secretly brought a cake and at the end , half of the cake would have ended up on my face . The couple of hundred bucks that u save for a long period just to give a treat to your friends in the road side chat shop can never give the pleasure even after spending a few thousand bucks these days . The scene of me crying and refusing to have dinner on the day when I fought with my best friend came to my mind . Today , she has gone far away from me , taking away my love and with it my life , but I am sitting and coding here with a false smile on my face . Everyday I meet new people , but then I long ceased to make a new friend . It 's true that I have a lot of things now . I have a nice bed , but no time to sleep . Lots of money , but no friends to spend it with . The latest designer clothes , but a worn out body . Quite a few to flirt , but no one to love . Awards for technical excellence , but no reward for the crave for peaceful ambience . A confident demeanor , but a reluctant and apathetic mind . Full of rain , but no sunshine even in the farthest distance . Now , I could see the small girl on the road enjoying in the rain with her umbrella firmly in her grip . She might not have all the comforts which I have , but then she has the innocence and fun which I lost a long time back . I have decided to come out of this false fantasy , even if it is at the expense of losing the tap of the software engineer . I am going to again enjoy my life . I am going to go out in the rain and play with the small kid now . I removed my tie , and went near my computer to shut it down . Just then , I saw a new mail alert in my mail box . I slowly opened outlook and I found a message from my manager with an attachment saying that there was a critical defect in the code and I have to fix it soon . I convinced myself that I am not going to get bogged down again by these pressures and stick to my decision . I ignored the mail and went to the rest room . After a couple of minutes , the software engineer in me came out , his shirt tucked in with the perfect tie knot , sat before the computer , and started typing , Posted by contactng under Touching Heart Leave a Comment Its 7 : 30 a . m . and I stand here in the bus stop waiting for the office bus to arrive . I stand here in the same manner as I did a few years back waiting for my college bus . Little did I know then that things would change so much in 2 years ; the sky under which I am standing seems to be looking at me and smiling . . It is perhaps the only thing that has acted as a witness . . watching the transformation of a loud and bubbly person into a quiet professional . I wouldn 't blame the professionalism for the change though . It is destiny , or may be you could call it life . Yes Life , esoteric in the true sense , for one does not understand why you meet hundreds of people everyday , work with so many , and still remain lonely . I am now in one of the corner seats in the bus , looking out of the window watching people trying to catch up with " life " . . It 's an hour 's journey and the only company that I generally have is the chatter of the RJ . I seldom notice the person sitting next to me , for its going to be yet another stranger or may be you could say another acquaintance . It is annoying at times when the radio is switched off , not because I am cut off from the melody but because I would now be thrust with thoughts of the solitary journey ahead . I can 't help thinking about the short bus journeys to college … well it 's a paradox to call a distance of 30 KMs " short " , but that is how it always seemed . A typical college day always begins in the bus with all the familiar faces ; you look forward for all your friends to get in from the various stops , the reasonless giggles , the loud laughter that were stifled to avert the eyes of the lecturers and professors who would watch on us as if we were their prospective prey for the day … well as I said it was a different life then . The pleasant memories of college are in itself good enough to save me from the misery of the bus journey . I notice that it is time for me to get down and flash my smile of acknowledgement to all the known strangers that I see as I approach my cubicle . A few of my colleagues greet me with their morning wishes and as always , we exchange our pleasantries . Discussions jump to the weekend plans and I wonder what I 'd do over the weekend . It would be just another day staring at the mobile , wishing it would ring and bring back some wonderful moments that are now missing in life or maybe the safer option would be to come to office , for it 's my new founded asylum these days . A few years back , weekends or weekdays didn 't matter to me , I was always busy . I always stood doubting the authenticity of the wall clock that seemed to be in running too fast to perceive its movement . Alas , now it seems as though my clock is suffering from some kind of paralytic attack . There is a time in life , where one needs to go ahead , leaving behind your friends and carrying along only memories . You do make new friends , but then you never get the old close ones … you do meet people who 'd be so good to you that you could tell them anything and everything , but you do not find a person to whom you needn 't say things … friends who just know you . Occasional calls from such friends , have been the only thing that I seem to look forward to … . However , I cant help but notice the uneasy pause that lingers around the conversation . . A pause not because of the relationship , but because it is too short a duration to say everything , and of course you cannot completely rule out the paucity of words ! Posted by contactng under Touching Heart Leave a Comment ONE BEDROOM FLAT … AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER ' S LIFE … - A Bitter Reality As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in Software Engineer and joined a company based in USA , the land of braves and opportunity . When I arrived in the USA , it was as if a dream had come true . Here at last I was in the place where I want to be . I decided I would be staying in this country for about Five years in which time I would have earned enough money to settle down in India . My father was a government employee and after his retirement , the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat . I wanted to do some thing more than him . I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed . I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phone cards . Two years passed , two years of Burgers at McDonald 's and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee value went down . Finally I decided to get married . Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days . I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight . Was jubilant and was actually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home . If I miss anyone then there will be talks . After reaching home I spent home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate . In - laws told me , to my surprise , that I would have to get married in 2 - 3 days , as I will not get anymore holidays . After the marriage , it was time to return to USA , after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them , we returned to USA . My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely . The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a week sometimes 3 times a week . Our savings started diminishing . After two more years we started to have kids . Two lovely kids , a boy and a girl , were gifted to us by the almighty . Every time I spoke to my parents , they asked me to come to India so that they can see their grand - children . Every year I decide to go to India . But part work part monetary conditions prevented it . Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream . Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick . I tried but I couldn 't get any holidays and thus could not go to India . The next message I got was my parents had passed away and as there was no one to do the last rights the society members had done whatever they could . I was depressed . My parents had passed away without seeing their grand children . After couple more years passed away , much to my children 's dislike and my wife 's joy we returned to India to settle down . I started to look for a suitable property , but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years . I had to return to the USA . My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stay in India . My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years . Time passed by , my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA . I decided that had enough and wound - up every thing and returned to India . I had just enough money to buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well - developed locality . Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby temple . My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode . Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this ? My father , even after staying in India , had a house to his name and I too have the same nothing more . Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing . This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children are losing their values and culture because of it . I get occasional cards from my children asking I am alright . Well at least they remember me . Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rights , God Bless them . But the question still remains ' was all this worth it ? '

I live in a house , not very old at all , and not very far away from Concord , NC . It was built in 1995 , a 3 , 200 sq . foot , 3 story , red brick house with green shutters , located in a fairly large neighborhood . It appears as normal as could be , but once you have lived there and experienced things , it is anything but normal . I have a whole plethora of ghostly occurrences related to the house , but I have selected the best to share on this website : 1 ) I was at home by myself one day , just sitting and playing my piano ( dated 1878 ) in the front room of the house when all of the sudden I felt a cool breeze rush quickly past my back and then it felt as if someone laid an ice - cold hand on my shoulder , though the windows were shut and the air conditioning unit was broken at this time . My dogs looked straight at my back where I felt the presence and began barking like crazy . Terrified , I shot out of the house and didn 't dare go back in for another 30 minutes . 3 ) My friend Ashlynne was over and we were sitting in the living room of the house where there happens to be a large mirror . I had gotten up and gone into the kitchen while Ashlynne was talking to me . All of the sudden her face turned extremely pale and drained of all color . She jumped up and ran out the front door . I chased after her and asked her what had happened . Shaking with terror , she explained to me that she had seen a transparent lady dressed in Victorian - era clothing with light brown hair walk straight across the living room , but she only had seen the reflection in the mirror . To this day , Ashlynne refuses to come to my house . 4 ) I was sitting alone on the porch one day reading a book with the door to the kitchen open . Then , I heard a door from the second floor slam shut . I ran up the stairs to find that no doors had been closed , so I proceeded to the third story , only to find the same thing . Puzzled , I walked back downstairs and a little while later I heard the door slam again . I again ran back upstairs and again there were no doors closed , but out of the corner of my eye I saw a shadow dart behind me and run into the nursery . Terrified , I chased after it , but there was nothing there when I walked into the room . 5 ) On Halloween , a group of trick - or - treaters had come to my door and were waiting for me to give them their candy when a little girl looked into the dining room and said " I like your costume . " Not sure as to whom she was addressing , I asked her what she was talking about . She replied , " Didn 't you see her ? There was a lady dressed in a long old dress and she had her hair up in a bun . " Not wanting to scare her , I said nothing else and gave them their candy . After they left , I couldn 't help but go into the dining room to search for this lady , but found no one . I still wonder . . . what are the hauntings connected to ? The house isn 't old , and no one ever died in it . I do , however , have a hunch that these strange happenings are related to a ) my antiques or b ) the land . A Revolutionary War battle was fought on the same land my house is located , but I tend to think the antiques are more likely . I own many historic artifacts such as a grandfather clock ( dated 1752 ) , an 1856 dining room table , 1829 couch , just to mention a few . Many paranormal researches believe that spirits have the ability to attach themselves to objects . I have many other stories , but I think that these are the most interesting ones I have to tell . I used to be a major skeptic in the paranormal , but after the many instances at my house , I became a major believer . Even though I have been startled on many occasions by the paranormal , I have never felt that anything evil lurks in my home . Many of my friends whom have experienced the paranormal in my house raise the same question : are you going to have an exorcism performed ? I don 't feel threatened in my house . Nothing demonic lives here , therefore I do not see the need . I have learned to live with those who are neither living nor dead ; those who simply linger on after death . Having grown up in a haunted house and being surrounded by a family of avid believers , I have adopted a position in dealing with the supernatural that is oriented in belief and respect , but initial denial to preserve my own sanity . I choose to ignore ghostly encounters until I have time to sort out in my own mind if they are real or imagined . This tactic has worked well for me , but in one occurrence led me down a very unhappy path . The following story is a bit long , but completely honest and sincere and , based on the other stories I have browsed through , I would consider it a worthy read . In 2008 I was living with my friend , Katherine , in my parent 's house . She had recently moved to Florida from Texas , and we soon grew bored of our sleepy town in Central Florida . We decided to move into a house with some friends in Fort Lauderdale ( near Miami ) to try our luck in the booming South Florida industry . The house we were moving into was a large 1920 's Florida style house that had been through many renovations throughout its long history . Before we moved there I was warned with stories of a ghost haunting the older portion of the house , but dismissed it as overactive imaginations . It was only when we moved in that I got the whole story , and understood the full scope of exactly what was going on in that old house . When moving into the house , which the girls had gotten for a fairly cheap price in the South Florida real estate market , the landlord had given them only one rule : never step foot in the attic . One of the previous roommates had a borderline obsession with the supernatural . She even went as far as to keep a spirit workbook with different experiments that she tried to get in touch with the spirit world . Within a few months , even the residents that didn 't care about ghosts began to notice something strange occurring in the older part of the house . While taking a shower in the master bathroom , it was common to hear someone whispering to you , with the words just too distant or unearthly to be understood . When home alone it was also common to hear the locked front door open and close and someone walking through the house , but when your shower was done and you came out to greet the other person , there was no one in sight . When in the master bedroom connected to the bathroom it was hard to shake an on - edge feeling of being watched , and closely at that . These things could be explained away by the rational minded , but the roommate with the ghost obsession could not leave it alone . It wasn 't long before the four original roommates decided to use a Ouija board to figure out just where this ghost was coming from . During the trial , conducted in the bathroom where the spirit was most often encountered , they learned a few things about the fifth rent - free roommate . The ghost told them that it was a girl , nine years old . It liked them but hated Chester , the group 's pit bull . It warned them strictly and repeatedly not to go into the attic and signed off quickly . The male roommate , our friend Marcus , made a joke out of the situation and immediately made a bee line for the attic . Once up there , the only thing that he found was an old cardboard box . In the box , creepily enough , were the toys of a young girl along with a diary dating back to 1932 . The box was never placed back into the attic , and I don 't think that the little girl liked this one bit . The four began to fight regularly and experience anger toward one another , normally for trivial reasons . Things got so tense that two of the girls moved out with little warning , which led to Katherine and I taking their places . Katherine , being of Catholic Mexican heritage , was very superstitious and not pleased to hear of the ghost in the house . Within weeks of moving in , her personality began to reflect this . Though I believed what was happening in the house was the work of a ghost , I tried to ignore the terrified feelings that would come over me while home alone , or sometimes even with others around . I made a joke out of the situation while Katherine became more and more anxious over it . She had lost her happy , bouncy nature and became dark and depressed . I couldn 't understand it , because we were living in an exciting place and making decent money . But things slowly got worse . One evening I returned from work to find Katherine sitting on the front porch of the house crying hysterically . When I finally calmed her down enough to speak , she told me she couldn 't tell me what happened because I would think she was crazy . When she finally felt up to telling me , she relayed a story of her night at home . She experienced the ordinary ghost happenings : the chatter in the shower , footsteps through the house , doors shutting . She tried her best to pray and burn sage to comfort herself , but to no avail . While walking from the older part of the house into the kitchen , she saw a flash run by her and was not able to move or breathe . She felt like inside of her head whatever it was told her not to tell anyone that she saw her . After hearing this story , I decided that Katherine had officially lost it . Several months passed but she never forgot what happened that day and refused to be alone in the house . She was deeply depressed and cried often for small reasons . When another roommate and I went on a month long trip to Europe , she saw her opportunity and fled back to Texas , leaving our guy roommate Marcus alone in the house . After several weeks Marcus emailed us and told us how excited he was for our return . Things at the house had gotten worse and he now made excuses not to be there alone . One night , while he was in his bedroom , he came into the kitchen to get a drink and found every cabinet door open , the trash can standing up on top of the counter , and several blocks from the attic box laid out on the floor . When we returned , the change in the house was easy to recognize . Normally a pretty happy place , the house now had a dark and foreboding feeling . It seemed our ghost was not too happy with Katherine 's abandonment . Although I initially wrote off my bad feelings as culture shock and sadness of Katherine 's absence , it was hard to deny that I was feeling as depressed as she seemed . During my morning showers , in the haunted bathroom , I would cry deeply for no reason at all . I never wanted to be alone and found it hard to sleep , laying awake for hours scared for no reason and waking up before the sunrise like someone had just shaken me awake . I began to feel like the other roommates were keeping secrets from me . I have never had a history of mental instability , so this depression really threw me off . Activity in the house had gotten worse , ranging from cold chills creeping up your neck at random ( Florida is not famous for cold breezes ) to furious door slams and running footsteps in the middle of the night . On a visit home to my parents , I felt cheered as soon as I was driving away from the house and felt no symptoms of depression until I returned and pulled back into the driveway and was instantly filled with dread and started crying uncontrollably . The last straw came to me when I was home alone one day . I had felt the strong presence of our ghost all afternoon and heard her moving about the house , but chose to ignore it and burn sage to give myself peace of mind . As the sun began to set and I was walking from the older part of the house into the kitchen , in the same position that Katherine had been in that day , I saw something that made me drop the glass that I was carrying . In the middle of the kitchen stood a little girl , barely visible ( you could make out her features but she was , I don 't know how to properly describe it , misty at the edges ) . Her hair was ratty and dangling down almost to her waist and the nightgown she was " wearing " was very old fashioned . Her eyes seemed to stare right through me and her face had a very childish look of anger . The next thing I recall I was standing in the living room ( a solid 20 feet from my original position ) , stumbling against a wall like the wind had just been knocked out of me . I have no idea how much time passed or how I got from point a to point b . Nothing like that has ever happened to me before or after that day . Within two weeks I had packed my bags and was back to the sleepy central Florida town . My depression had subsided as soon as I escaped the house , and now new renters live there . My buddies and I were bored , and decide that we should hit up all the scary places we can before Halloween gets too close and the overcrowding kills the scare . So we talk about what places everyone knows , and the ones we 've heard of but never been to . My friend ( we 'll call him Jeff ) tells us about a place his grandpa and his buddies used to go to , that was supposedly haunted . It 's a single house on a dirt road a couple of miles off of Geneva road . We asked him why it was scary , what the supposed story behind it was . He said that , " The only time my grandpa ever started to tell me about the history of the house , my grandma poked her head around the corner , and just shook her head at him with the sternest look I 'd ever seen on her , and grandpa said , " Nah , never mind , you 're too young . " But his grandpa did tell him where it was . So we all loaded up in our buddy 's ( we 'll call him Louis ) car , and headed off . There were 4 of us Me , Jeff , Louis , and our other friend we 'll call Jason . We were all excited to see this place that none of us had ever heard of , a place that was old and run down when Jeff 's grandpa was young . We found the road , I still laugh at the sign , I 'm not sure if someone put it up to be funny or if someone was serious , but it was the classic Halloween sign that read " BEWARE ! " in painted red letters , haha , now I wish we 'd listened . I think it was when we were driving down the old dirt road , that we started feeling uneasy , I mean more than just scared , like a heavy sick feeling sat in on all of us . There were dead fields on both sides of the road , with gnarled dead trees every now and then , and then we saw it in the distance , the house . It was a lot older than I expected it to be , peeling white paint on wooden siding , and semi - exposed brick , but most of the windows were still intact . We all had the feeling of being watched . As we pulled up to it we started having second thoughts , but we got out anyway . We cautiously approached the house . At one point it had four steps leading up to the porch , now only two of those steps were still there , the whole porch was falling apart . We climbed what stairs were left . We weren 't even going to try the door , and Jeff was the only one with the guts to look in one of the windows . We suddenly all felt the need to whisper , even though we knew no one was around for miles . Jeff said , " I can 't see anything , it 's too dark . " Louis quickly said , " I 've got a flashlight in my car , I 'll go get it . " I think he was just looking for an excuse to get the hell of that porch . I didn 't blame him . He got the flashlight and handed it to me , because he was going to stay in the car . This is when the REALLY weird stuff started happening . Jeff got the flashlight on and looked inside . The light beam only went about two feet into the window and stopped . It didn 't land on anything it just stopped . We thought the light was broken so Jeff pulled it away from the window and turned it off and back on , when he put it back to the window we could see inside ( weird ) there was just some old furniture and graffiti on the walls , but the creepy thing was the shadows . In the corners of your eyes . . . They moved . Not like a moving object , but like water , we couldn 't figure it out . But whenever we looked at them straight on they stopped . While we were preoccupied with that , we suddenly heard what sounded like a piece of metal scraping along the wooden floorboards inside , we all jumped . Then Louis honked the horn , and if it 's possible to double jump like in the videogames , then we definitely did that . We started sprinting to the car , half to beat the crap out of him , and half because we couldn 't take anymore , but as we turned to run , window on the second floor EXPLODED . That did it we were in the car in . 0001 seconds and getting the hell out of there . We almost forgot about Louis honking , but then Jason punched him in the arm and asked him what the heck that was for . Louis was still terrified , all he said was , " He was staring at me from the window . . . the window that shattered . " before we could ask any questions we saw police lights and heard sirens . We still weren 't that far from the house when the cop walked up to the car . He started , " You know you 're tresspaa . . . " He quickly looked up , looked back at us and said , " Make sure you get home safe " faster than I 've ever heard anyone talk . And he could 've beaten any Olympic runner with how fast he speed walked back to his car . We got home , still baffled at what happened . We sat in silence for a while , then Jason asked Louis what he saw in the window . He said , " There was a man , an old man standing in the window . I don 't know how long he was staring at me I only noticed him a second before I honked the horn . " When I was seven years old , my parents had a new home built . I was an only child . Lots of weird things happened in this house . I think the first thing I noticed was a strange sound coming from inside my desk . I had a white dresser and matching white desk . I 'd sit at that desk and do my homework . I would almost always hear a scratching sound coming from the inside of the desk . I heard it so often that it didn 't even scare me . . . I can 't remember NOT hearing it . A few years after we moved in , I awoke one night to the sound of a man screaming . It seemed to be coming from down the hall . I thought it was my dad , so I ran to my parent 's room to see what was wrong . They were both sleeping soundly . I woke my mother anyway and told her that I 'd heard Dad screaming . She assured me it was a nightmare and told me to go back to bed . I heard this sound at least a few times a month for years . It was loud enough to wake me , but my parents never heard it . Even our dog didn 't seem to hear it ; it was like it was meant for my ears only . One night I pinched my own hand until I bled to prove to my mother it wasn 't a nightmare . I 'm 38 years old now , and to this day , I KNOW I was awake . About a year ago , my mother mentioned the " blood " that showed up on my wall while we lived there . I 'd completely forgotten about it until she mentioned it . One morning , I woke up and there was a red substance ( my mother thought it was paint ) on my bedroom wall that hadn 't been there before . It was splattered , as if someone had taken a paintbrush and flung it on the wall . We had no paint in the house that color , though . . . blood red . We painted over it . I wonder now if there are other things that happened to me in that house that I 've " forgotten . " I never saw anything , and I have no idea of the history of the area . I know the house has changed owners many times since I lived there . . . no one seems to keep it longer than five years . And I know I heard a man screaming from down the hall on many , many nights . We moved out of that house when I was 15 . I never heard that screaming again , thank God . I have had things go missing in the house I live in now , only to turn up again moments or even days later right where I left them . ( I have witnesses to it this time ! ) And I 've heard friendly humming in the garage . ( A tune , not just a monotonous hum . ) I 'm wondering if I can HEAR spirits , but I 've never seen one . I 've never heard of anyone like this ; if anyone has had similar experiences , I 'd love to hear from you ! I have quite a few ghost stories , all true , but some set in different areas . I have shared houses with ghosts and had many extremely spooky moments . Some don 't sound too scary but you have to put yourself in my shoes . The first ghost experience I 've ever had was in my house in Cambridge . We moved in and immediately a very ghost - like thing happened . It happened to my mother and only myself and my mother were living there , although my mum didn 't tell me about any ghostly activity until I witnessed some for myself . We 'd just moved in , and my mum had invited some friends round . Just as my mum went to go and boil the kettle , she burnt herself . The kettle was boiling hot , as if it had just been used . We 'd only just unpacked it and hadn 't made a cup of tea ( or coffee , hot chocolate etc . ) yet . My mum said that herself and her friends all heard some creaking in the front room like the sound of a rocking chair swinging back and forth . She shrugged it off , but was still highly suspicious . A few weeks later , my mum spoke to our neighbour and told her all about the experience . The neighbour said that an old lady , Mrs . Kilbey , had lived there before . She died in the house when she was 104 ( old , I know ! ) and she used to sit in the lounge near the window in her rocking chair drinking her cup of tea . My mum then became instantly positive that our house was haunted by Mrs . Kilbey . The thing you should know about me and my mum is that we 're very gullible . We believe anything anyone tells us . Nothing happened for a long time after that , until one night I woke up bang - smack at midnight . I heard footsteps downstairs , but obviously thought it was my mum , as I wasn 't aware that our house was haunted . The same thing happened the next night . And the night after . I spoke to my mum , complaining that she wakes me up in the night . But she insisted that she didn 't get up , and that 's when she told me the house was haunted . You 're probably thinking that this isn 't scary , but I 'm getting there . Once I was aware of the ghost , the footsteps were heard every night . One night , whilst lying in my bed , I heard the footsteps again . The footsteps came up the stairs this time , and walked across the landing , and stopped outside my bedroom . I always left my bedroom door wide open because my door was so old it wouldn 't close . I just shrugged it off , but 5 minutes later , I felt someone tugging the covers off of me . Naturally , I tugged back . The duvet was tugged again and then I felt someone nudge my ribs as if just messing about . I told my mum and that was when I discovered I 'd had a duvet tug - of - war with a ghost . It was obvious the ghost didn 't mean any harm . A few weeks later the same thing happened again , but I kept my sense of humour and started messing about and treating the ghost like a real person . I 've always been very open - minded , and as long as nobody means me harm , I 'm open to having fun , even if they are dead . The next week , early in the morning , my mum was in the bath , when a tennis ball rolled in . She called me and asked if it was me , but I was in my high sleeper so if I had thrown the ball , you would have heard me getting out of my bed . I came in and the tennis ball was lying there , which the night before was lying at the bottom of the stairs . We laughed it off , and my mum had a medium come into the house though not to see if our house was haunted . But just wondering , my mum asked the medium if our house was haunted , and she replied that it wasn 't , but Mrs . Kilbey had passed through a few times , just to check on us . We then moved into my mum 's boyfriends house , which was were extremely scary things started happening . Peter , my mum 's boyfriend , and I hadn 't always see eye - to - eye . His house was a lot bigger than our old haunted one and it was down a very posh close . I 'd seen pictures of the close before the houses were built on it , and it was fields and farmers . There were still at least three miles of fields out the back of the houses . My room looked out onto the fields . I 'd always had a very negative feeling about the house , and certain rooms I would run out of , because I felt very pressured . I always thought I felt negative energy because of the relationship between my mum 's boyfriend and myself . But once I moved in , there would always be an extremely eerie part of a room that I would naturally back away from . Especially upstairs . To this day I have no idea why I felt like that . I used to hate the landing upstairs because every time you went upstairs , you would see a shadow under the very harsh light , but the shadow wasn 't mine . I hated the spare room because I always felt very watched . I hated my room because I felt watched and extremely pressured . Another reason me and my mum 's boyfriend didn 't get along was because I spent a lot of my time downstairs because I hated going upstairs . I then had a sleepover with 3 of my friends . We slept in my room , but on the dot at midnight we heard footsteps in the landing , and then severe galloping , like a horse running up and down . The house was built on an old farm , and I occasionally could make out the figure of a woman ( looking like a maid or a farmer 's wife ) in my bedroom . I then felt followed by a dog , and I would hear barking when I was alone in the house and scampering , but I was positive that the dog was protecting me . As for the maid ghost and whoever was riding the horse , I was positive weren 't very happy with me . I remember a day , when it was thundering and flashing with lightning , and my mum and her boyfriend were working , I was in the house on my own downstairs watching television . I heard someone walking down the stairs . On the fireplace , we had a big shovel for the coal , and I sat with my back to the door with a shovel in my hand . I then heard some furniture moving upstairs , and then heard and felt someone constantly kicking the door of which my back was to . Whatever it was walked away , and I darted into the kitchen , grabbed the phone and sat outside in the rain , lighting and thunder calling my mum . Just as I was in mid conversation , the power lines went off . I don 't know whether it was the weather or if it was the ghost but I waited for a whole two hours until she got back . I hated going into the house , and at that moment I felt extremely threatened . We moved out of the house a few months later , but not for the reasons of the ghostly activity . I did think that it was a burglar , but we were on a neighbourhood watch site and they were all home , and my mum had asked them if they 'd watch me . They all said that there wasn 't any burglars or any people inside the house that they knew of . I told my mum about it , but she thinks I 'm mad . I told my Grandma , and she believed me 100 % . My Grandma is slightly psychic . Not fully , but she can instantly tell if a place is haunted , even if no ghostly activity has happened . One time , she went to a hotel , and after instantly walking into the hotel , she almost fainted . She felt very drowsy , and almost passed out when she walked under the banister . She asked the hotel manager if anything had happened around there , and the manager said that the hotel was haunted , and that the ghost had hung himself from the banister . Whenever we move into a house , we always bring Grandma as well , just to see if she has any feelings . She said she 'd always had a very bad feeling about my mum 's boyfriends house anyway , but never told us . My auntie has also had some ghostly activity . She moved into a house in Cambridge , and she said that her wardrobe moved in the night . Keep in mind the wardrobe took four men to carry . She then had her answering machine playing up , and certain parts of messages would constantly play over and over again . She moved out after about a month . Another weird experience was at the Breadsall Priory Marriott Hotel in Derbyshire . Everyone knew that the magnificent hotel used to be a nunnery . People have said to have seen some nun ghosts wandering around the grounds . But the most haunted room in the castle was in the highest tower , where a lot of the leader nuns stayed . Legend has it that two of the leader nuns were murdered on the grounds and haunted the tower . We never believed it until we were assigned the tower room . At first , we weren 't scared at all . But my mum went downstairs to help her boyfriend with the suitcases , and I was left on my own in the most haunted tower in the whole hotel . First the television turned itself on and the channels started changing . I just laughed it off , but then I walked into the bathroom , and there was makeup smeared all over the sink , toilet , shower and mirror . Obviously , I got the blame . But that night , two figures constantly walked around in circles in the room . I remember sitting bolt upright , just staring at these nun ghosts doing what looked like a little dance . I knew that they didn 't mean any harm , but all of a sudden they stopped in mid circle , turned to me , and then turned their heads to the window . I looked out the window , and I saw a figure , a man figure , sitting on the ledge outside . He looked at me in a very eerie way and the nun ghosts fled the room with a very frightened expression on their faces . I didn 't know what was happening , or whether I 'd had an extremely weird dream . But the next morning I spoke to the waiter who had worked at the hotel for years , and he told me that the man figure I saw was once a visitor , who was also murdered on the site , and could of in actual fact been the murderer of the nuns , which explains why the nuns looked so frightened . I 've been back a few times , but never stayed in the room , as I was far too scared . I 'd always believed in ghosts , and always been fascinated by the dead . I remember thinking I had ' the gift ' when I was in school . I looked out the window and saw a very eerie and creepy white man walking around the school field . I nudged my friend , but she couldn 't see anything . I then looked up five minutes later , and the eerie man was standing right up against the window . I was petrified and screamed to my teacher to get the man away . She looked out the window , and saw nothing . I humiliated myself , but the man was still there , giving me this nasty look . I heard that once I left , another student had seen the man . So I wasn 't completely bonkers . But the scariest thing that happened was when I was staying at my ex - best friend 's house . She lives in Willingham in Cambridgeshire , in an old 5 storey pub that had been made into a house . The pub / house was notorious for drunk men having fights , and even one guy was killed . My friend 's dad had joked before that he 'd seen to big ghostly figures before , but he was only joking , we thought . I 'd stayed over a few times before , but only heard a few bangs in the night . I assumed it was one of her family , because there 's at least two people on each floor . Anyway , my friend and I had always joked that the house was haunted , and there were two lumps in the garden that looked like graves . We 'd been having so much fun but then down the corridor , we both froze and saw two man figures . We shook our heads and ignored it . We joked her house was haunted by rugby players . Everything was fine for a while , we 'd been too busy messing about to notice anything . We 'd take pictures , and there were at least four orbs in each picture , but we said the camera was dirty . My friend 's bedroom was on the highest floor , and in the landing was nothing but an old rocking horse . My friend always kept her door open , for a simple reason that her room got to hot at night . We were in her room , and my friend was fast asleep . My friend wanted to be a fashion designer and had got a dummy in the corner of her room . Instantly , I was petrified at this shadow in the corner . I then figured it was just a dummy . But I was naturally shaken up . I then lay wide awake for about half an hour , and I heard loads of crashing from two floors down in the kitchen . It sounded like saucepans and knives and forks all being swiped off a counter . I heard them all crash to the floor , but in my head I was making up excuses that it might have been someone getting a glass of water . I looked across the hallway , still sitting in bed , to see if my friend 's sister was in her bed or not . She was fast asleep , but I was distracted by the rocking horse . It was violently rocking back and forth , and I thought it was going to break or crash . The horse toppled over onto its side and I saw a shadow near the window . I then covered myself with duvet , hoping I was slightly mad . I then heard what sounded like a knife being scraped or picked off the floor from the kitchen . It was very echoey in the house , so you could hear everything perfectly . I then heard footsteps climbing up every staircase , until it reached the door to the small staircase leading up to the top floor our floor . The footsteps walked up the small staircase , but stopped at the door to the landing . By this time I was so scared I could have wet myself , but unaware that my friend was awake , I looked across and she had some light up SpongeBob T - Shirt wear only his eyes and mouth glow in the dark . Upon seeing this , and with all the activity that had just happened , I let out a small scream . My friend laughed , thinking she 'd scared me , but what I was really screaming at was much worse . I looked out into the hallway , and pointed . My friend looked , and for a minute or so , we both stood , staring at the hallway . In the hallway was a man , looking rather evil . He was white , had a long face and was holding a knife . We sat with our mouths open , tears running down our faces . The ghostly man glided very quickly towards us , with an extremely creepy expression on his face , but vanished at the bottom of the bed . In theI 've moved away , and luckily don 't visit my friend anymore . I live in an old house , but so far , it 's not haunted . The only unexplainable thing that 's happened so far , is the sound of someone walking into my metal blinds in the middle of the night . We don 't think it 's a ghost , but we 're always open to possibilities . I just hope I don 't have to experience ghostly stuff ever again . My friends and I have had a few experiences , some we experienced together . I have never been afraid of the paranormal , in my culture it is normal to believe in spirits that protect you and to have an occasional visit from a deceased relative , so my parents , my father in particular , would always explain to us that they are never there to hurt us , just to watch over us or to give us a message . Therefore , we should be listening . One incident , my friend Brenda lived across the street from me and she was on the porch while I was in the house doing dishes . I had the front door open because it was nice out . Brenda came in and asked me where the old lady went . I told her I was home alone and she said she was on the porch and seen an old lady walk into my house . I told her that I have been home alone all day cleaning and there is no way someone could walk into the house and not be heard or seen . That creeped her out , I just figured it may have been my grandmother who passed away a few weeks earlier . Another incident that happened was when my best friend Kristina stayed at my house one night . We were in college and had gone out late so she crashed at my place . She said she woke up that night to go to the bathroom and saw what looked like a big Indian chief standing at my bedroom door with this big feather hat and his arms crossed over his chest . As she was telling us the story the next morning my father said , " Yeah , that 's the Indian chief I pray to protect my children . " She seemed to just accept that answer . A few weeks later she and I were on our way to eat at a restaurant and we were sharing our experiences with the paranormal . I told her about my grandmother visiting on occasion and how my friend Brenda has seen her . Well , she started talking about the day that her grandmother passed away and how close they were . As she was telling the story ( we were still in the car but parked at the restaurant ) something made us both turn and look at the side mirror on her side of the car . At that instant we both screamed and got out of the car . We stopped and looked at each other and she said , " You saw her too right . " I said I did and we both just looked back at the mirror and decided it was a good time to go and eat and maybe have a drink . What happened was that as we both looked at the mirror we seen her grandmother staring back at us . I don 't usually get freaked out but that scared me somewhat , I can never get her face out of my head . It wasn 't menacing , just surprising . I was visiting my dad for a few weeks . ( My parents separated and after a few years my mum and I moved towns ) . It must have been around September from what I can remember , this particular night I was staying at my best friends place , who I loved visiting considering we had remained close even though I moved . It was fairly late , I 'm guessing close to midnight and we decided to call it a night . But before getting ready for bed I went out the front of her house to have a smoke . I was sitting on a bench they had at the front of the house minding my own business , everything was completely quiet . He didn 't seem to notice me sitting there , I kept quiet as I slowly saw him head closer to the house ( I 'm assuming for the front door ) . Right in front of my eyes , he vanished . With that , I bolted inside and told my friend and her mum why I was so out of breath . I explained every little detail I possibly could . They both looked at me with complete shock , as my best friends mum shivered as if a chill went down her spine . I asked them what it was . They informed me the old man in the house had passed away three weeks before hand . It was only the old lady left in the house . On February 28 , 1966 my father was killed in an accident at work . I was 11 years old . About 6 months after his death my family moved to a different house in my hometown of New Martinsville , West Virginia . I was watching television when I heard the screen door on the side of the house open . I thought this was strange because my mom had made me lock both the screen door and the regular door on the side of our house as she was leaving . I was frightened , but I knew the regular door was bolted so I was in no danger . Then , the side door swung open . I not only heard the squeaky hinges on the door , but also saw the shadow of the door opening move across the dining room floor . I sat there on the couch frozen with fear . I kept telling myself that this wasn 't really happening and then I heard the footsteps in the kitchen . They were slow and deliberate , but not as if someone was sneaking into the house . I decided to just lay back down on the couch and pretend to be asleep . I couldn 't get myself to get off the couch or to even look towards the kitchen doorway . I think I was praying that whoever was walking in the kitchen would go down the hallway to the bedrooms , but they stopped just where the kitchen opened into the living room . Then to my horror I heard a noise I hadn 't heard in almost a year . My father had a peculiar way of clearing his throat and that was what I heard . I don 't remember what I was thinking at the time , perhaps I wasn 't thinking at all , but when the noise came a second time I found myself compelled to turn and look towards the kitchen . Standing in the doorway was my father ! Not as he had been dressed when he was buried , but in his work clothes . He was completely three dimensional and as solid as any living person you might meet . He smiled a somewhat sad smile and I began to scream . You see , the only feeling I associated with my father was fear , and to see him there in front of me flooded me with total terror . I don 't know how long I screamed . It could have been minutes ; it could have been hours . The next thing I knew my mother was yelling and trying to break down the door to get in the house . You see all the doors were locked from the inside after all . I came to my senses enough to finally get off the couch and the doors open . I fell into my mother 's arms completely hysterical . I told her what had happened , but she didn 't believe me and insisted that I had had a bad dream . No one believed me for a long time . Then my sister finally admitted that she had seen our father too . After that it didn 't matter if anyone believed me . I knew that what I had seen was real . I live in an old ground floor flat hidden away by all the flats piled on top . In the Victorian era it was used as a whole house and the basement flat ( which I live in now ) was the kitchen . In the early 1900s it wasn 't needed so they separated it in the 1920s I think . maybe I needed to get used to the energy of it . I used the biggest room in the house as a living room , the second as an office for all my studying and revising for university . I used the smallest room as my bedroom and this I was told by the estate agent was the old larder . After I 'd settled in , everything was okay , but after the first week when I was sleeping on my proper bed I had my first encounter . I woke up to go to the toilet and opened my eyes to see a shadow carrying a lump of meat over his back . I turned on my night light . I was face to face with a meat delivery boy in his early twenties in fact . He had a soft cockney tone to his voice . " Meat Miss " he said . I was quite speechless and looked onto the face of the wall there was meat hung up on hooks just like a Victorian larder . I looked back across to where the meat delivery boy was standing , but he had vanished . a butcher shop . I then found out he was my great , great , great uncle . Now it is normal to see him round corners and bends but I 'm fine with that . My parents said they had seen him too . I wanted to go deeper into this mystery so I went to a medium reading . She told me that this man was just making sure I was okay . I see him by my bed from time to time . The medium described him as a real gentleman whose energy focused around my family . I have become attached to this ghost and I will be sorry when I leave . Grandma 's Ghost November , 2006 this was an unforgettable and terrible month to remember . After long weeks of suffering my grandma died of old age . This had us all trembling and eyes filled with tears . I was about eleven years old when she died . Days passed by and it rained continuously for weeks , making it seem like the sky was weeping . But just before going to bed I called to her thinking my grandma was listening to every word I said . I don 't know what my reason was to call her but at that moment I missed her so much I couldn 't bear it . " Hey Aachchi " I used the Sri - Lankan word for grandma and called out . And of course didn 't expect her to reply so continued to speak " Hey Aachchi " I called out once again . " Please meet me downstairs at mid - night " I have absolutely no clue why I said that . I didn 't expect to see her again , however I did … The moment I finished eating dinner I walked up the stairs while my twin cousins stood there talking to my twin sisters . I didn 't bother to interrupt the conversation they were having together . So walking up the stairs I found myself getting a bad feeling like I was being watched , so I started humming to myself and tried , unsuccessfully to get rid of the chill that ran down my spine . I was then upstairs and started walking towards the television room and suddenly stopped walking as soon as I saw her … There standing just near the television stood my grandma ! She was smiling sweetly at me while I stood there shocked , with my mouth flapping like a fish and my eyes wide open . I identified her the moment I saw her . Her white hair was tied in a bun as usual , she was also wearing a white sari that had flower - like patterns sewn on it . Well the particular thing that shocked me and scared me for life was her skin ! Her skin was as black as coal , which definitely wasn 't her usual skin tone colour . I blinked several times thinking I was imagining the whole thing but my dead grandma remained silent while she stood there looking straight at me . I blinked again and then she was gone ! Soon I realised that it had been her ghost so I let out a piercing scream and started running downstairs screaming my lungs out ! I 've lived in my house for nearly 11 years now and I haven 't been overly keen on it . Plus the fact , that we are actually built on an old grave - yard . I don 't believe that all the bodies have been re - moved as my children actually used to dig up bones . e . g . finger bones , kneecaps , jaws etc . Anyway , it was only a few years ago things seemed to get weird . Apart from the fact , my dog Cyrus , who barks at random things since he was around 1 year old . I didn 't take much notice as my dog barks most of the time . It only used to freak me out when he used to stare under the table as if he saw feet walking by and bark at the same time . So , carrying on . My daughter once complained about seeing a tap turn on by its self . This really seemed to scare her as she 's been watching horror movies since she was young . It was only when weird things started happening to me I started to pay attention . I woke up around 2 am as I recall , and I heard what sounded like running across the landing . Ever since then , I wake up around 2am every night hearing the same noise ! But Lately , I sometimes see a small shadow on top of the stairs when its late at night . However it 's not always a shadow . Its sometimes occurs as a figure of a small girl . You can briefly see what she 's wearing and looks like a long dress and a dirty white shirt over the top . I know very little about the site where our block of flats is built . The only thing is that once there were small houses where people from the 19th century lived and died . One of the house was still standing but fortunately they destroyed it 3 years ago . I 've always been curious about it because people often said that at night you could hear laughter or the crying of a woman . I once myself had the opportunity to go inside . And I often regret it . The story begins like this : It was a warm summer evening and me and my friend Mirella ( she lives in the block of flats above mine ) were bored . We were 12 years old then and didn 't know what to do because all the other kids had gone to the sea side . So we decided to go in the old house , of course not believing all of the rumors about ghosts . Going inside was easy , all we did was climb the fence ( it was 2m high ) and went through the deserted garden . When we reached the entrance we saw that the front door was missing , probably stolen by someone . We went in . The smell of fungus and rotted wood was very strong , the house was deserted since 1913 . We didn 't get any flashlights because when we went in it wasn 't dark yet and that was I think our biggest mistake . First we went on the second floor and that was when the first strange thing happened . We were walking close to one and other and heard something moving behind us , as any normal person we immediately stopped and turned around - no - one . Scared we continued forward into the first room . It was small and it had strange brown spots on the walls and they looked as if it was kind of liquid ( I still like to think that that wasn 't blood ) . There was a door leading to another room so I suggested to Mirella to go in , but it was getting a little dark so she decided to stay in the other room . I said OK and went in , after a minute she screamed out of horror . Terrified I went back , she was staring at the door and said that she had seen something moving in the hallway . After that event we went downstairs to the kitchen and then I saw it : there was a table and chairs and on one of the chairs there was a dark figure , which then opened its eyes - they were ghostly white . All of this happened in 2 or 3 seconds , because we started to scream and of course ran out of the house . When I lived in Arkansas I moved into a two bedroom house with my husband and three children . From the start I had a funny feeling about the house . I would hear footsteps in the middle of the night on the wood floors . At times I would see something out of the corner of my eye , but could never make out exactly what it was . One day , while I was outside with my children , I turned and looked into the big picture window at the front of the house and saw a man standing in my living room . Needless to say , I rushed into the house and no one was there . The back door was locked , as well as the windows , I searched every room and found nothing . I was seriously creeped out but , oddly , I was not afraid . Shortly after seeing the man in my living room I began going through a rough patch in my life . I was battling depression and an abusive husband . One night after a serious fight with him I was standing in the kitchen crying wondering if I could take much more when suddenly I felt a soft touch on my back . I thought it was my husband trying to apologize . When I turned around there was no one there . I just knew it was the man I had seen in the window . I named him Victor , because it seemed to fit . Whenever I was going through a rough patch or worrying over something I would receive a soft touch on my back . It was Victor was reassuring me that things would be okay . In the middle of the year sometime during 1992 we lost our grandfather to a major heart attack . During this time I was given the duty of watching over my grandmother since she was now alone in a large open ranch house . I was only thirteen at the time and coming to grips with the loss myself . My grandfather was in my eyes larger than life and the best mentor a juvenile could look up to . My grandfather was a WWII veteran and POW survivor . He managed to oust any and every obstacle that ever got in his way . Taken in by the loss that he did not pull through this particular circumstance was all I could do to keep my composure . After all I was there to look over my now grieving grandmother . After the funeral , I stayed over that night watching television and sitting in the then monstrous armchair that was my grandfathers . During the very early morning I noticed that the lights in the back room were flickering and the lights in the hall would begin to flicker . Then the lamps in the living room would start to flicker . At this time I was a little more than shocked and when the lamp and TV started to flicker on the table next to me I was beside myself . Frozen in fear and the cool air that now surrounded me I did not breath . I assume my grandfather came to the conclusion that he was terrifying me he left the room . When he left the room , he let the appliances and lamps turn back to normal one at a time starting from the closest to the furthest . Still not wanting to move and frantic I sat there . White knuckled , I found the courage to get to the room which happened to be the same direction that the spirit of my grandfather had gone . I did not talk about that night for many years to anyone . That in itself would be a good ghost story , but this is not the rest of the story … Ten years later I had the duty to again keep the house and live there . I was married and had my first child . We had made the nursery in the furthest room in the hall across from our own . My daughter would laugh and coo while staring up at nothing . She was never scared but in the middle of the night and sometimes during the day moan . I told my wife of the encounter and she thought I had lost my mind . During the time their she would have different experiences of her own . The thought of my grandfather looking over my family comforted me but the thought of having an outright ghost in the house also scared the heck out of me . We realized quickly that he was displeased with us leaving because he tore off the mirror in the nursery from the studs in the wall that it was bolted to . No way was this thing just going to fall . It broke and frayed the wood that it was anchored to . It also was pushed outward and shattered on the carpet and vanity . When I invited him to come with us he did . Since we have moved from different place to place and every time he finds his way to our house . It is good to have loved ones watching our children . It is also good to know that the guardian angel is my mentor . We later found out that when my daughter could talk that a man she called " Pops " would play with her . And the wings of my Harley Davidson shirt looked like the ones he had . ( My grandfather was a pilot in the war , and we think he looks like he did in the war with his flight suit . She also recognized him from an old picture and called him Pops ) Thank you for letting me share this with you . I had lived there since I was 5 , but hadn 't experienced anything for those first few years . One night , I had woken up to go to the toilet and once I had gotten back into bed I looked up to see a figure in the doorway . I thought it was one of my parents checking on my sister and I ( we shared a room ) but it was obvious that they were too short to be an adult . The figure slipped into the room and I remember realizing it was a little girl with long blonde ringlets and wearing period clothes . A second figure then followed her through the doorway , this one even shorter than the little girl . I saw this one to be a little boy , and afterwards I always referred to these two as ' the brother and sister ghosts ' . I was never scared of them and I saw them many times , but I was very curious about them because it seemed that neither of them could speak , even though I asked them a lot of questions . They would just nod or shake their heads and smile to answer me . I did manage to gather , however , that they had lived in the house a long time ago and the little boy was sad because his room was the sleep out which we had demolished . there was no one else home . Stunned , I told her that we actually had two children ghosts living with us , a little girl and her little brother . My mum was also a little stunned , but was happy to know that she wasn 't going crazy . I also encountered a shadow person in this house when I was about 11 , and this experience really did scare me . I had just walked out of our toilet , at the back of the house , when I saw a black figure leaning in the doorway of our spare room . The hallway light was on and I remember I felt like it was glaring at me . I screamed and ran straight past it down the hallway , calling to my parents . They searched the house , thinking there was an intruder ( kind tour of Melbourne with my mum and some family friends . None of us were expecting to see anything as it was a tour of about 20 people , but we were still excited to be seeing some supposedly haunted places . We were at the old Cobb & Co . factory ( which I think now has been demolished ) and being the only children on the tour , we were asked if we would like to walk around the back of the building by ourselves to see if we could draw the spirits out . My little sister and one of our friends chickened out , but a friend and I decided we would do it . We walked through the huge open doorway into the courtyard behind , whispering nervously together , when suddenly my friend looked up and froze . I paused and also looked up to see what he had seen only to also freeze on the spot . In an upstairs window of the Cobb & Co . building there was a pale figure that was distinctly human in shape . It had no features but it definitely felt as if it were staring at us . Nothing much happened for the next few years until I was 18 and my family had moved into a house that had recently been renovated . It 's split level , except the only thing on the ground level is the garage and to get to our front door you have to walk down a path , up some stairs and around a verandah ( a bit of a trek , I know ! ) . Our lounge room looks out over this verandah , and quite often we will be sitting watching TV and will see heads bobbing along near the edge , as if there were a person walking up the path to the stairs . The heads always appear to be male , with short dark hair , and we sometimes mistake them for my dad coming home but when no one comes inside we realize it 's just another ' head visitor ' . My sister and I have also heard people calling our names in the house . This is nothing out of the ordinary , except that it quite often happens when nobody else is home . This occurs more to my sister than to me , but she has said that 9 times out of 10 my name is being called and not hers . I also often wake in the morning to find my wardrobe doors , which I always keep closed , wide open . This is strange because they get stuck a lot and make loud thudding noises when you wrench them open - the sound is loud enough to wake someone up ( I frequently wake up my sister in the next room when I open the doors late at night ) , but I have never heard The most recent new experience that I 've had was on holidays in January with my friends . We had rented a 2 - storey holiday house for a week in Torquay , a town along the Victorian coast . On the first morning there , one of my friends , who were sleeping downstairs , woke up at about 5am to go to the toilet . As she was getting back into bed she heard , clear as day , a voice from upstairs shout ' Everybody shut up ! Be quiet ! ' which she found surprising as everyone was asleep . She eventually went back to sleep , but asked us all about it later on in the morning , but no one else heard the voice or admitted to being the one shouting . As well as this , almost every morning at about 9am , my boyfriend and I would awake to the sounds of people moving about and talking quietly in the kitchen which was right next to our room . We would get up and go out there , only to find that everyone was still in bed . One afternoon , everyone had gone out to lunch or to the beach , but my boyfriend and I decided to stay home and clean up a bit and watch a movie . We were sitting in the lounge room eating lunch when we heard what sounded like people rustling around in the kitchen ( like moving packets and cutlery around on the benches ) . We knew for a fact this time that no one was home , so I rushed into the kitchen to try and catch whatever it was in the act . As soon as I reached the doorway , however , the noises stopped . That same night we had all gone out for dinner except one of our guy friends who wasn 't feeling well . He said that he was upstairs watching TV when he heard the front door downstairs slam shut followed by what sounded like one of the downstairs bedroom doors . He thought someone had come home in a bit of temper so went downstairs to investigate . All of the bedroom doors I have worked at a certain hotel for the past 2 - 3 years . It has changed names three times . Not only have our guests had strange and unusual experiences but so have we . We do not advertise the hotel for its playful spirits and are not allowed to mention the name . The most recent experience occurred on 5 / 12 / 2010 . Our guests arriving at 2 : 00 pm were placed in 2 rooms with double beds . Somewhere around 6 : 00 pm , I received a call from room number # 116 . The guests were having some kind of unusual electrical problem with the lights in the room . There had been no prior complaints of any electrical problems so naturally I was skeptical and told them I would be over in about 5 minutes . I finished my paperwork and went and knocked on # 116 . The guests re - iterated how the lights had gone on & off all around the room on different circuits . Everything appeared to be normal at first glance . Then to my complete amazement , the lights on 3 separate panels and the bathroom light started to go on & off alternately back & forth . Three guests and myself witnessed it and all of us pretty much stood there with our mouth open . The older gentlemen spoke up and asked , " Is there any chance this room is haunted ? " I had to smile because several months prior another set of guests could not get this door to unlock with a slide key . I could open it but for some strange reason the door simply would not unlock for them . Both sets of guests were given a different room on both occasions . Oddly enough , the room was re - cleaned and re - rented to other sets of guests on the first occasion and the door unlocked easily and there were no complaints from the next guests . As for the unusual electrical display , the room was checked the following day by General Manager and maintenance . No problems were found … However , we left this room off the list the following day in hopes that our little spirits would calm down . Our front lobby has what appears to be a trickster of a ghost . On one occasion a guest handed over $ 59 . 59 cents in cash and change . We both counted the money with the guest who then picked up the money and placed it in my hand but somehow the change disappeared in the process . We were both searching the counter and floor on both sides when the change ( seemingly ) just dropped one coin at a time , out of nowhere onto the counter . My only response to our guest was , " Did you see that too ? " He replied , " Yes , but let 's not mention it to anyone because I don 't think they would believe us ! " There are three doors in our lobby , two of which have an electronic lock and one that just has a turn bolt . All of our managers have soon and quickly learned that after dark only unlock and go out the bolted door . The main door mysteriously will click shut and lock managers out even when it is TURNED OFF ! We sometimes receive calls at the front desk from rooms that are not rented usually # 119 & # 122 appear on the switchboard . Inside room # 120 the sound of a woman singing can be heard coming from # 119 . Sometimes people can be heard talking or drawers opening and shutting or bags rattling . Number # 119 is unoccupied when this occurs . Even the General Manager has seen what he thought was a guest entering the front lobby . He rushed to the office to help the customer only to find the lobby completely empty . He even checked the closets for the man wearing a long white beard , shorts and sandals that he saw enter the main doorway . A man has also been seen standing just inside the windows in room # 227 on the second floor . The room again was empty and had not been rented that day . Guests staying in # 107 reported much activity on their ghost meters and rattling sounds at night . A repeat customer whom always stays in # 124 stated that he has heard street brawls and arguing outside his door but when he opened the door no one is ever there . This man has been coming here for 8 - 9 years and always requests the same room . # 108 seems to have a spirit that likes to touch your arm or blow your hair to one side . The owner , for instance , had a story of when she first bought the business and was decorating its interior prior to opening . Her business partner had found a framed collection of foreign World War II recruitment posters at a local op shop that he thought would look good on the walls . The ghost , however , wasn 't impressed with this choice and when the two returned to the shop the day after hanging all the posters , they found them all on the floor . The Japanese poster 's glass frame was broken . When they re - hanged them that evening , they found the same thing upon returning the next day . This lead the owner to conclude that the ghost may somehow be linked to the War Memorial that 's less than a five minute walk from the restaurant . I 'm not sure I agree with her , but it 's possible . My own experiences with the ghost weren 't so dramatic . One night when I was cleaning the coffee machine at the end of the day , one of the cups ( stacked two cups high on top of the machine ) fell to the floor . I picked it up and carefully replaced it , only to have it fall off again . I tried again , and held it to ensure it was steady before removing my hand , upon which the cup levitated about 8 inches into the air , hung for a moment , and then fell to the floor . I looked over my shoulder to see the manager staring at me open mouthed , he had seen it too . Wanting to be respectful , and having been told by the owner stories about the ghost before , I apologized aloud to him for repeatedly putting the cup where he didn 't want it , and stacked the cup elsewhere on the coffee machine , where it stayed . The most activity I ever experienced from the ghost was while a certain chef was briefly working at the restaurant . We never figured out why , but for some reason our ghost really didn 't like her . During her time in the kitchen , pots and saucepans would move overnight . The CDs she kept at work to play while she was cooking would be mysteriously scratched when she took them from their cases . Sometimes , the metal rack on the wall that the pans sat on would just start shaking quite violently for a few minutes . Or well - stacked piles of pans would just collapse for no apparent reason . None of which are individually that surprising , but with all of them happening at once fairly often , it was rather odd . I admit , I tried to talk to the ghost about it aloud once or twice ( despite other waitresses looking at me like I was an idiot ) , trying to reassure him that the chef was a good person . But he really just didn 't like her . The chef refused to be intimidated , but once she left the restaurant , the strange happenings in the kitchen ceased . These stories perhaps aren 't as scary as some of the other tales on this site , but I always felt as if the ghost only wanted to protect us and keep us safe . And occasionally , just have someone talk to him and give him some attention . I think that , if he could somehow know about it , he would feel content knowing that his presence and " assistance " was known . I have always hated to be left at home alone . I don 't like being alone for a couple hours , a day , a weekend , or a week . At least , not in my house . I always knew there was something weird about my house . From creaks and bumps to computer chairs spinning until they fall . My house is not like the others I have lived in . My brother has witnessed a computer chair spinning when no one has touched it . My mom has heard footsteps . But neither of them have heard or seen the things I have . About two and a half months ago , my parents and my brother had gone out of town . I had spent the day with my friends and decided that I was ready to go home and go to bed . The first thing I did when I got home was make sure that all the lights , computers , televisions , and stereos in the house were turned off . Then I put my dog 's in their crates , ( which are in the room right next to my living room . ) locked the front and back door , and went to the living room to sleep on the couch . When my back door closes , it makes a very distinct sound . It doesn 't shut just by being pushed on lightly . It has to be slammed . After lying down for an hour , I heard the back door slam shut ( and I knew I had locked it and no one has a key to the back door ) . What made it strange to me at the time was the fact that the sound had come from my parents ' room , right above the living room . I ignored it because I just wanted to sleep . Shortly after the slamming from upstairs , I heard music playing . I thought it was coming from outside so I rolled over to get up to close the windows . Once I rolled over , I stopped moving . I could see the light from the computer screen in the next room . I knew I had turned it off . The music got louder and then shut off . I was terrified . For the next couple hours it was quiet . No sounds were made . I had just started to fall back to sleep when the footsteps started . Thud . Thud . Thud . Thud . The steps were creaking with each thud . I had finally had enough and cried out " Leave me alone ! Just let me sleep ! " The noises stopped that night , but I know they 're still here . My mom hears them . So does my brother . He tries to wake me up to hear them early in the morning . My dad won 't tell me if he 's heard the noises . I 've always had unusual experiences and been involved with life after death . In fact all my family has , it 's sort of something that runs in the family . Anyway I am only going to tell you about one of the many stories that have happened to me , as it is the most extreme . Anyway , I was suddenly awoken one night to see a dark figure on the stairs . The figure walked half way up the stairs then stopped , I couldn 't see the persons face as it was just a dark figure but I 'm sure it was looking at me . The " Shadow " didn 't walk up the rest of the stairs it floated up and through the banister that stopped people falling down stairs and landed in the hallway ; it looked at me once more and drifted off towards my mother 's room . The strange thing was me at first believing it was my mum , shouted out for her and I got no response also the " shadow " wasn 't on the same level as the house , it was inches above the ground . I wasn 't scared and I drifted back off to sleep , however the next morning me and my Mother went downstairs and all of the items and cards on our fireplace and onto of the TV where either knocked over or dropped on the floor ! Nothing happened the rest of that week but the next Saturday , My baby sitter was round and she sleeps our house when she Baby sits as it 's so far away from her own house . Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet , as I went to pull my pajama pants down I heard I loud bang and then loud footsteps coming from my Ceiling and another bang ! As if someone was up there knocking over all the boxes containing Christmas decorations . I was terrified ! I ran to my baby sitters room and she had to wait outside my toilet until I had finished . Yet again nothing else happened for the rest of that week . Then I asked my mum could I sleep in the front room when our baby sitter wasn 't staying so I wasn 't next to the bathroom , my mum agreed and I slept in the front room Saturday night . As I lay there with my TV on low , I started to hear a strange sound ; as I listened more carefully it was the sound of my mother 's One Gallon Barrels handles being flicked up and then flicked back down and then the handle vibrating . I must let you know the handles don 't fall down when flicked up ; you have to actually push them down ! So I got a little scared but I didn 't freak out in fact I ignored it , closed my eyes and went to sleep . This was one of the strangest months living in that house . I still live there and nothing every as strange happened after that , I mostly think it 's because I decided not to be scared and I ended up talking to whatever was in my house . I think the biggest reason I wasn 't scared and decided to talk to the " shadow " as through - out all my life I have been in close contact with the spirit side , and this was just like another normal day to me . In November , 2006 , 8 days before my 16th birthday , our house burnt down , well , not really burnt down . It was mainly smoke and water damage , but the kitchen was black . So during 2007 , my mum , brother and I moved into a 3 bedroom house about 4 blocks away while our house was being re - built . From the moment we moved all our stuff into that house , I knew there was something different . I always had feelings of being watched . The first experience in that house was my brother 's . Now I 've never actually asked him if he believes in ghosts or not but he swears this is true . It was a Sunday afternoon and I was sitting on the computer reading stories from this website , of all things while my mum was asleep in the lounge room and my brother ( who was 11 at the time ) was just wandering around , complaining that he was bored . I suddenly felt the need to go to the toilet so I went to the bathroom . When I finished , I walked out , only to be greeted by my brother , pale as anything , stating that he saw a white figure float into the lounge room . My heart jumped and I brushed past him and walked into the lounge room . There was nothing there , except my mum of course . My experience flipped me out . I 'm the sort of person who tends to wake up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason . Where my bed was positioned in my room , I could see out my door and see the kitchen bench and the laundry door . Anyway , I woke up one night like I usually do and happened to look out my door . Standing in the laundry doorway was a white figure . It was like a faded white , but I could still see it . I blinked a few times and it was still there . I started breathing heavily because I was scared . I reached over to turn my lamp on without taking my eyes off the laundry door . When I turned it on , the figure disappeared . Needless to say I was pretty shaken up . I turned my back on the door and laid back down . I didn 't turn my lamp off . A few months after my experience , which I had forgotten about by then , my cousins came down from Sydney for Christmas . One night , my 3 year old cousin walked into my brother 's room , which was next to mine , and ran out shortly after , crying . We all gathered around her to see what was wrong . She was crying about a man on the wall . We tried to get her back in the room , but she wouldn 't step foot in there . That freaked me out a bit . She slept in the lounge room with her mum that night . But the next morning , she was fine . She had no worries walking into my brother 's room and playing in there . In the house we moved into while our house was being rebuilt , my mum was sitting at the computer . Now , where the computer chair was , you could feel the air conditioner on your back . It was a hot day , so she had the air conditioner on . While she was sitting there , she could feel something warm on her back , more specifically , on her right shoulder blade . She said it was like there was a hand pressing on her . Even though it was scaring her a bit , she just ignored it and it only went away when she got up to pick my brother up from school . Her next two experiences were in the house we used to live in when I was 7 . One day , my mum was in my room cleaning when she heard a bang come from the dining room . She ran out to find the large photo frame that was hanging on the wall , face up , and roughly two metres away from the wall it was hanging on . Normally if a photo frame falls , it lands face down right next to the wall , or it falls back to lean against the wall , right ? That scared my mum . She told my nan , who believed her . The next one she told even scared me because it happened in my room . I had a touch lamp in my room that had three brightness setting . Each time you touched it , it would get brighter until it turned off . Anyway , my mum was in my room , cleaning , when the lamp turned on by itself . It was at the first setting . Then it got brighter , and brighter , then it turned off . It did this about 5 times , at a steady pace , like someone was touching it . My mum bolted out of my room and didn 't go back in there that day . The very first encounter she had was when she was my age . She was in a bad mood because my nan wouldn 't let my mum go to her boyfriend 's place . So she stormed into her room and threw herself onto her bed . She was facing her door when she was a black cat run out of her room and down the hallway . They didn 't own any cats . She ran out and told my nan but she just brushed it off . My mum searched the house but didn 't find anything . On a side note , my cat , Puss , that I had for 12 years died in our house fire . She died peacefully on my bed from smoke inhalation . She was asleep . I still feel that she 's with us . Occasionally my new cat will run around chasing something , and so will our dog . I know that if she is still here , she 's looking out for me . R . I . P my baby . I 'm a single mum of two beautiful boys , we live in our own house as we have done many before this . For years now I have sensed two spirits in particular ever since I did a séance 5 years ago . While I was doing this with my ex - boyfriend his mum and just a friend of ours , a male named Mark came through and wanted to tell me that my uncle had killed him and that I was the only person to help him . He gave me the name of a hotel not too far from here and told me the number of the room , he then went on to say that once I walked into the room I would know straight away where he was . He warned me that if I don 't help him then my eldest son Zac would kill his father in his 16th year of life as his father would attempt to rape me and Zac would then do a life sentence in jail . I didn 't and have still have not done anything about this as I don 't know what to do and if I should believe it . A few years later I had an experience where I was just about to fall asleep and a woman 's voice started talking to me . As soon as I heard the name Mark my eyes sprung open and to my surprise there was no actual person as such but two balls of light at the end of my bed and one on the right hand side of the bed . I sat in my room just not believing what I was seeing , I sat there for ages and they didn 't go . . . I got up and turned my light on thinking I was just paranoid but the lights were still there . I climbed back into bed and thought I 'd just wait it out when all of a sudden it felt like the life of me was being sucked out , I was so scared ! I jumped out of bed grabbed my 3 year old son and ran down to my boyfriend 's mum 's at the time . As I ran every tree shook violently until I reached her front door . By the time I got inside I couldn 't breathe and I had tears rolling down my face everywhere . I 've never been so scared in all my life as I was that night ! A few years have passed now and like I said I have sensed these two spirits with me I know that there both male but completely different . I sometimes see them when I 'm alone at night but I don 't feel afraid of them ; it 's just like it 's natural for them to be around me , I see the first one he peeps around each corners at me never shows his full self and the other crawls around down the hall way but he 's a full grown male . I 've seen him at times as well . I also sense another male that appears from time to time and when he 's about my whole body just fills with fear in an instant and I know that 's not good at all . I 'm not sure what he wants or what his intentions are but I wish he 'd go away . Thankfully for me when I get the sense of him ( which is only when I 'm in bed ) I have someone looking out for me . I 'm thinking it must be a female as I 've only found that I sense males . But I feel her sit on my bed and I can feel when she touches my head , patting it as if to say that she 's there and its okay to sleep she 'll make sure I wake in the morning type of thing . As of late I also hear women and children trying to talk to me as I go to sleep of a night . I sleep with my ears covered at night so that I can 't hear . I have no idea what 's going on or what I 'm meant to do about all of this . . . .

Basic aim of this blog is to share good moral stories with moral to all of you . You will find short moral stories with morals here . More than 350 stories are shared in this blog Moral Stories , Inspirational Stories , Motivational Stories , Moral Tales The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small , uninhabited island . He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him . Every day he scanned the horizon for help , but none seemed forthcoming . Exhausted , he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements , and to store his few possessions . One day , after scavenging for food , he arrived home to find his little hut in flames , with smoke rolling up to the sky . He felt the worst had happened , and everything was lost . He was stunned with disbelief , grief , and anger . He cried out , ' God ! How could you do this to me ? ' Early the next day , he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island ! It had come to rescue him ! ' How did you know I was here ? ' asked the weary man to his rescuers . ' We saw your smoke signal , ' they replied . The Moral of This Story : It 's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad , but we shouldn 't lose heart , because God is at work in our lives , even in the midst of our pain and suffering . Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground . It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God . Once upon a time there lived a bear in a cave deep in the woods . Nearby was a meadow in which a farmer kept his cattle - - and one large , ferocious - looking bull . Each day the bear hid at the edge of the woods , watching the bull . The bear was known as the strongest , most fierce creature for miles around . No other beast in the forest dared to tangle with him . As the bear watched the bull peacefully gazing , he wondered which one of them would win a test of strength . He thought about this for many days . Then one morning he decided to challenge the bull to a fight to the finish . The bull had just chomped down on a fresh clump of clover when he looked up and saw the bear barreling across the meadow toward him . He stopped chewing . The red flag of danger popped up in his head . The bear skidded to a halt in front of him . The bull lowered his head menacingly , his sharp horns aimed right for the bear 's throat . For long moments they stood in place - - eyeball to eyeball - - neither one of them moving . Finally the bull grew tired of the stare - down and asked , " What do you want , Bear ? " " I want to fight you , " growled the bear . " Why ? " asked the bull . " Because , I want to prove that I am a stronger and better fighter than you are . " The bull laughed . " I thought you really wanted something . You can 't possibly win against me . I have sharp horns that can cause terrible injuries . " " And my claws are sharp and quick , " the bear shot back . " I have defeated many an enemy - - anyone who would harm my cubs or take away my mate . I am the king of the forest ! " " Then go back to the forest , " the bull bluntly advised . " This is the meadow . " The bear blinked in surprise . " I beg your pardon . . . " " I mean , what 's the point of me fighting with you ? " the bull asked . " What would that prove ? We are not enemies . I have not harmed your cubs or taken your mate . " " It would prove that I am the strongest . " " Okay , " said the bull , smiling . " I 'll buy that . You are strongest . Now leave and let me graze in peace . " " Just one cotton - picking ' minute . What do you mean by that ? " The bear raisPosted by According to legend , a young man while roaming the desert came across a spring of delicious crystal - clear water . The water was so sweet he filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder who had been his teacher . After a four - day journey he presented the water to the old man who took a deep drink , smiled warmly and thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water . The young man returned to his village with a happy heart . Later , the teacher let another student taste the water . He spat it out , saying it was awful . It apparently had become stale because of the old leather container . The student challenged his teacher : " Master , the water was foul . Why did you pretend to like it ? " The teacher replied , " You only tasted the water . I tasted the gift . The water was simply the container for an act of loving - kindness and nothing could be sweeter . " ! ! ! Morel of the Story : We may understand this lesson best when we receive innocent gifts of love from young children . Whether it 's a crushed paper painting or a clay figure , the natural and proper response is appreciation and expressed thankfulness because we love the idea within the gift . Gratitude doesn 't always come naturally . Unfortunately , most children and many adults value only the thing given rather than the feeling embodied in it . We should remind ourselves and teach our children about the beauty and purity of feelings and expressions of gratitude . After all , gifts from the heart are really gifts of the heart ! ! Also , when we express our gratitude , we must never forget that the highest of appreciation is not to utter mere words , but to live by them . The essence of all beautiful art , all great art is gratitude ! Gratitude is the sign of noble souls and the memory of it is stored in the heart and not the mind ! The next time you receive any gifts from anyone , no matter however small it may be , remember the love behind and don 't judge the gift with its appearance ! Have a deep sense of gratitude for whatever you receive in life in whatever form it may be ! A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years . They had shared everything . They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about . For all of these years , he had never thought about the box , but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover . In trying to sort out their affairs , the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife 's bedside . She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box . When he opened it , he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $ 95 , 000 . He asked her about the contents . " When we were to be married , " she said , " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue . She told me that if I ever got angry with you , I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll . " The little old man was so moved ; he had to fight back tears . Only two precious dolls were in the box . She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving . He almost burst with happiness . " Honey , " he said " that explains the doll , but what about all of this money ? Where did it come from ? " " Oh , that ? " she said . " That is the money I made from selling the dolls . " Moral of the story : Do not waste your time by arguing , the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue A long time ago , a young , wealthy girl was getting ready for bed . She was saying her prayers when she heard a muffled crying coming through her window . A little frightened , she went over to the window and leaned out . Another girl , who seemed to be about her age and homeless was standing in the alley by the rich girls house . Her heart went out to the homeless girl , for it was the dead of winter , and the girl had no blanket , only old newspapers someone had thrown out . The rich girl was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea . She called to the other girl and said , " You there , come to my front door , please . " The homeless girl was so startled she could only manage to nod . As quick as her legs could take her , the young girl ran down the hall to her mothers closet , and picked out an old quilt and a beat up pillow . She had to walk slower down to the front door as to not trip over the quilt which was hanging down , but she made it eventually . Dropping both the articles , she opened the door . Standing there was the homeless girl , looking quite scared . The rich girl smiled warmly and handed both articles to the other girl . Her smile grew wider as she watched the true amazement and happiness alight upon the other girl 's face . She went to bed incredibly satisfied . In mid - morning the next day a knock came to the door . The rich girl flew to the door hoping that it was the other little girl there . She opened the large door and looked outside . It was the other little girl . Her face looked happy , and she smiled . " I suppose you want these back . " The rich little girl opened her mouth to say that she could keep them when another idea popped into her head . " No , I want them back . " The homeless girl 's face fell . This was obviously not the answer she had hoped for . She reluctantly laid down the beat up things , and turned to leave when the rich girl yelled , " Wait ! Stay right there . " She turned in time to see the rich girl running up the stairs and down a long corridor . Deciding whatever the rich little girl was doing wasn 't worth waiting for she sPosted by There was a man who had four sons . He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly . So he sent them each on a quest , in turn , to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away . The first son went in the winter , the second in the spring , the third in summer and the fourth son in the fall . When they had all gone and come back , he called them together to describe what they had seen . The first son said that the tree was ugly , bent and twisted . The second son said , no , that it was covered with green buds and full of promise . The third son disagreed ; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful . It was the most graceful thing he had ever seen . The last son disagreed with all of them . He said it was ripe and drooping with fruit - full of life and fulfillment . The man then explained to his sons that they were all right , because they had each seen but only one season in the tree 's life . He told them that you cannot judge a tree , or a person by only one season , and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure , joy , and love that comes from that life can only be measured at the end , when all the seasons are up . Back in 1921 , a missionary couple named David and Svea Flood went with their two - year - old son from Sweden to the heart of Africa - to what was then called the Belgian Congo . They met up with another young Scandinavian couple , the Ericksons , and the four of them sought God for direction . In those days of much tenderness and devotion and sacrifice , they felt led of the Lord to set out from the main mission station and take the gospel to a remote area . This was a huge step of faith . At the village of N ' dolera they were rebuffed by the chief , who would not let them enter his town for fear of alienating the local gods . The two couples opted to go half a mile up the slope and build their own mud huts ' . They prayed for a spiritual breakthrough , but there was none . The only contact with the villagers was a young boy , who was allowed to sell them chickens and eggs twice a week . Svea Flood - a tiny woman only four feet , eight inches tall - decided that if this was the only African she could talk to , she would try to lead the boy to Jesus . And in fact , she succeeded . But there were no other encouragements . Meanwhile , malaria continued to strike one member of the little band after another . In time the Ericksons decided they had had enough suffering and left to return to the central mission station . David and Svea Flood remained near N ' dolera to go on alone . Then , of all things , Svea found herself pregnant in the middle of the primitive wilderness . When the time came for her to give birth , the village chief softened enough to allow a midwife to help her . A little girl was born , whom they named Aina . The delivery , however , was exhausting , and Svea Flood was already weak from bouts of malaria . The birth process was a heavy blow to her stamina . She lasted only another seventeen days . Inside David Flood , something snapped in that moment . He dug a crude grave , buried his twenty - seven - year - old wife , and then took his children back down the mountain to the mission station . Giving his newborn daughter to the Ericksons , he snarled , " I 'm goingPosted by A real story of Japan . A story of one dog and a Doctor . A doctor one day gave some food to the dog residing nearby and then this become usual . The dog always remain with the doctor whenever it is possible . . Doctor used to go by train everyday for his duty . Dog always accompany him till the Railway Station . And when the doctor come back for his duty , that dog waits for him at the railway station and both come back at home together . This was the usual practice . Once in an accident doctor died . Dog kept waited for him till long . For two consecutive days it waited for Doctor without having food , water or anything . Then after that every day the dog visited the platform at the arrival time of that train regularly till the time of its death . People around that platform started having sympathy towards dog and they started giving it food and started taking care of it . Everyone was impressed by the love between that dog and the Doctor . Once a person took that dog at home and taking care for it . But dog every day visited that station without missing single day . Till dog died , it visited that platform and waited for Doctor . People put the statue of dog at that station for the loving memory of it and Doctor and in that city that dog is recognized as symbol of love . Moral of the story is that . . If you love someone , then love unconditionally . Accept the positive and negative aspects of your loved one . Take care of the loved one even if it is not with you . Try to be honest and trust 100 % . Develop the fear of loss for your love . . . make your love realize about that fear of loss . Give sweet smile to everyone and love a loved one such a way that it become a history . Sometime people forgets the value of love even if his or her inside is pure . Because of personal problems , work tension , ego , misunderstandings and many more . . . . people started thinking wrong ways and loses the faith , then they miss wonderful days of life which they would have enjoyed if their loved ones are nearby . Imagine . Think of that enjoyment . I don 't know why they chooses tPosted by When one Guru was dying , one of his deciple asked him " Guruji , who was your master ? " He said , " I had thousands of masters . If I just relate their names it will take months , years and it is too late . But three masters I will certainly tell you about . One was a thief . Once I got lost in the desert , and when I reached a village it was very late , everything was closed . But at last I found one man who was trying to make a hole in t he wall of a house . I asked him where I could stay and he said ' At this time of night it will be difficult , but you can say with me - if you can stay with a thief ' . And the man was so beautiful . I stayed for one month ! And each night he would say to me , ' Now I am going to my work . You rest , you pray . ' When he came back I would ask ' Could you get anything ? ' He would say , ' Not tonight . But tomorrow I will try again , God willing . ' He was never in a state of hopelessness , he was always happy . When I was meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was happening , many times the moment came when I was so desperate , so hopeless , that I thought to stop all this nonsense . And suddenly I would remember the thief who would say every night , ' God willing , tomorrow it is going to happen . ' And my second master was a dog . I was going to the river , thirsty and a dog came . He was also thirsty . He looked into the river , he saw another dog there - - his own image - - and became afraid . He would bard and run away , but his thirst was so much that he would come back . Finally , despite his fear , he just jumped into the water , and the image disappeared . And I knew that a message had come to me from God : one has to jump in spite of all fears . And the third master was a small child . I entered a town and a child was carrying a lit candle . he was going to the mosque to put the candle there . ' Just joking , ' I asked the boy , ' Have you lit the candle yourself ? ' He said , ' Yes sir . ' And I asked , ' There was a moment when the candle was unlit , then there was a moment when the candle was lit . Can you show me the source from whichPosted by A little boy wanted to meet God . He knew it was a long trip to where God lived , so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six - pack of root beer and started his journey . When he had gone about three blocks , he met an old woman . She was sitting in the park , just staring at some pigeons . The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase . He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry , so he offered her some chips . She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him . Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again , so he offered her a root beer . Again , she smiled at him . The boy was delighted ! They satthere all afternoon eating and smiling , but they never said a word . As twilight approached , the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave ; but before he had gone more than a few steps , he turned around , ran back to the old woman , and gave her a hug . She gave him her biggest smile ever . When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later , his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face . She asked him , " What did you do today that made you so happy ? " He replied , " I had lunch with God . " But before his mother could respond , he added , " You know what ? She 's got the most beautiful smile I 've ever seen ! " Meanwhile , the old woman , also radiant with joy , returned to her home . Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked , " Mother , what did you do today that made you so happy ? " She replied ! " I ate potato chips in the park with God . " However , before her son responded , she added , " You know , he 's much younger than I expected . " Too often we underestimate the power of a touch , a smile , a kind word , a listening ear , an honest compliment , or the smallest act of caring , all of which have the potential to turn a life around . People come into our lives for a reason , a season , or a lifetime ! Embrace all equally ! A Million FrogsA farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs . The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs ! The farmer replied , " There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - - millions of them . They croak all during the night and are about to drive me crazy ! " So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant five hundred at a time for the next several weeks . The first week , the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish , with two scrawny little frogs . The restaurant owner said , " Well . . . where are all the frogs ? " The farmer said , " I was mistaken . There were only these two frogs in the pond . But they sure were making a lot of noise ! " Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you , remember it 's probably just a couple of noisy frogs . Also - - remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark . Have you ever lain in your bed at might worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming - - like a million frogs croaking ? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes , and you take a closer look , you 'll wonder what all the fuss was about . Confidence ! The business executive was deep in debt and couldn 't see a way out . Creditors were closing in on him . Suppliers were demanding payment . He sat on the park bench , head in hands , wondering if anything could save his company from bankruptcy . Suddenly an old man appeared before him . " I can see that something is troubling you , " he said . After listening to the executive 's woes , the old man said , " I believe I can help you . " He asked the man his name , wrote out a check , and pushed it into his hand saying , " Take this money . Meet me here exactly one year from today , and you can pay me back at that time . " Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come . The business executive saw in his hand a check for $ 500 , 000 , signed by John D . Rockefeller , then one of the richest men in the world ! " I can erase my money worries in an instant ! " he realized . But instead , the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe . Just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business , he thought . With renewed optimism , he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment . He closed several big sales . Within a few months , he was out of debt and making money once again . Exactly one year later , he returned to the park with the uncashed check . At the agreed - upon time , the old man appeared . But just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story , a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man . " I 'm so glad I caught him ! " she cried . " I hope he hasn 't been bothering you . He 's always escaping from the rest home and telling people he 's John D . Rockefeller . " And she led the old man away by the arm . The astonished executive just stood there , stunned . All year long he 'd been wheeling and dealing , buying and selling , convinced he had half a million dollars behind him . Suddenly , he realized that it wasn 't the money , real or imagined , that had turned his life around . It was his newfound self - confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after . One day I decided to quit . . . . I quit my job , my relationship , my spirituality . . . . I wanted to quit my life . I went to the woods to have one last talk with God . " God " , I said . " Can you give me one good reason not to quit ? " His answer surprised me . . . " Look around " , He said . " Do you see the fern and the bamboo ? " " Yes " , I replied . " When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds , I took very good care of them . I gave them light . I gave them water . The fern quickly grew from the earth . Its brilliant green covered the floor . Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed . But I did not quit on the bamboo . In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful . And again , nothing came from the bamboo seed . But I did not quit on the bamboo " . He said . " In the third year , there was still nothing from the bamboo seed . But I would not quit . In the fourth year , again , there was nothing from the bamboo seed . I would not quit . " He said . " Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth . Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant . But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 Feet tall . It had spent the five years growing roots . Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive . I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle . " He said to me . " Did you know , my child , that all this time you have been struggling , you have actually been growing roots . I Would not quit on the bamboo . I will never quit on you . Don 't compare yourself to others . " He said . " The bamboo had a different purpose than the Fern , yet , they both make the forest beautiful . " " Your time will come , " God said to me . " You will rise high ! " " How high should I rise ? " I asked . " How high will the bamboo rise ? " He asked in return . " As high as it can ? " I questioned . " Yes . " He said , " Give me glory by rising as high as you can . " I left the forest and brought back this story . I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you . . . . . . . . An emperor was coming out of his palace for his morning walk when he met a beggar . He asked the beggar , " What do you want ? " The beggar laughed and said , " You are asking me as though you can fulfill my desire ! " The king was offended . He said , " Of course I can fulfill your desire . What is it ? Just tell me . " And the beggar said , " Think twice before you promise anything . " The beggar was no ordinary beggar , he was the emperors past life master . He had promised in that life , " I will come and try to wake you in your next life . This life you have missed but I will come again . " But the king had forgotten completely - - who remembers past lives ? So he insisted , " I will fulfill anything you ask . I am a very powerful emperor , what can you possibly desire that I can not give to you ? " The beggar said , " It is a very simple desire . You see this begging bowl ? Can you fill it with something ? " The emperor said , " Of course ! " He called one of his viziers and told him , " Fill this mans begging bowl with money . " The vizier went and got some money and poured it into the bowl , and it disappeared . And he poured more and more , and the moment he would pour it , it would disappear . And the beggging bowl remained always empty . The whole palace gathered . By and by the rumor went throughout the whole capital , and a huge crowd gathered . The prestige of the emperor was at stake . He said to his viziers , " If the whole kingdom is lost , I am ready to lose it , but I cannot be defeated by this beggar . " Diamonds and pearls and emeralds , his treasuries were becoming empty . The begging bowl seemed to be bottomless . Everything that was put into it - - everything ! - - immediately disappeared , went out of existence . Finally it was the evening , and the people were standing there in utter silence . The king dropped at the feet of the beggar and admitted his defeat . he said , " Just tell me one thing . You are victorious - but before you leave , just fulfill my curiousity . What is the begging bowl made of ? " The beggar laughed and said , " It is made up of the human mind . There is no sePosted by There once was a little boy who had a bad temper . His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper , he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence . The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence . Over the next few weeks , as he learned to control his anger , the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down . He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence . Finally the day came when the boy didn 't lose his temper at all . He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper . The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone . The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence . He said , " You have done well , my son , but look at the holes in the fence . The fence will never be the same . When you say things in anger , they leave a scar just like this one . You can put a knife in a man and draw it out . It won 't matter how many times you say I 'm sorry , the wound is still there . " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one . Friends are very rare jewels , indeed . They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear , they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us . " Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your heart : ) One beautiful spring day a red rose blossomed in a forest . Many kinds of trees and plants grew there . As the rose looked around , a pine tree nearby said , " What a beautiful flower . I wish I was that lovely . " Another tree said , " Dear pine , do not be sad , we can not have everything . " The rose turned its head and remarked , " It seems that I am the most beautiful plant in this forest . " A sunflower raised its yellow head and asked , " Why do you say that ? In this forest there are many beautiful plants . You are just one of them . " The red rose replied , " I see everyone looking at me and admiring me . " Then the rose looked at a cactus and said , " Look at that ugly plant full of thorns ! " The pine tree said , " Red rose , what kind of talk is this ? Who can say what beauty is ? You have thorns too . " The proud red rose looked angrily at the pine and said , " I thought you had good taste ! You do not know what beauty is at all . You can not compare my thorns to that of the cactus . " " What a proud flower " , thought the trees . The rose tried to move its roots away from the cactus , but it could not move . As the days passed , the red rose would look at the cactus and say insulting things , like : This plant is useless ? How sorry I am to be his neighbor . " The cactus never got upset and he even tried to advise the rose , saying , " God did not create any form of life without a purpose . " Spring passed , and the weather became very warm . Life became difficult in the forest , as the plants and animals needed water and no rain fell . The red rose began to wilt . One day the rose saw sparrows stick their beaks into the cactus and then fly away , refreshed . This was puzzling , and the red rose asked the pine tree what the birds were doing . The pine tree explained that the birds got water from the cactus . " Does it not hurt when they make holes ? " asked the rose . " Yes , but the cactus does not like to see any birds suffer , " replied the pine . The rose opened its eyes in wonder and said , " The cactus has water ? " " Yes you can also drink from it . The sparrow can bring water to you if youPosted by From : Vikram J . TannaSubject : [ AIMKAlumni ] A Real True StoryA real story . . . An interesting Conversation between a Solider and a Software Engineer in Shatabdi Train . . . . . . . . . An interesting and a must read ! Must read ! Vivek Pradhan was not a happy man . Even the plush comfort of the air - conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi express could not cool his frayed nerves . He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel . It was not the prestige he sought ; he had tried to reason with the admin person , it was the savings in time . As PM , he had so many things to do ! ! He opened his case and took out the laptop , determined to put the time to some good use . " Are you from the software industry sir , " the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop . Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation , handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car . " You people have brought so much advancement to the country , Sir . Today everything is getting computerized . " " Thanks , " smiled Vivek , turning around to give the man a look . He always found it difficult to resist appreciation . The man was young and well built like a sportsman . He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school . He probably was a railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass . " You people always amaze me , " the man continued , " You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside . " Vivek smiled deprecatingly and replied " It is not as simple as that my friend . It is not just a question of writing a few lines . There is a lot of process that goes behind it . " For a moment , he was tempted to explain the entire Software Development Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement . " It is complex , very complex . " " It has to be . No wonder you people are so highly paid ! , " came the reply . This was not turning out as Vivek had thought . A hint of belligerence crept into his so far affable , persuasive tone . " Posted by Once upon a time a horse and a buffalo lived in a beautiful meadow up in the mountains . There was plenty of grass to eat and water to drink , and the two had become good friends . But one year , there was no rain . The meadow stream dried up and the grass turned brown . Soon the horse and buffalo found themselves fighting over the scarce water and grass . One day , their daily fight became violent . The buffalo jabbed the horse with her sharp horns . The badly injured horse had no option but to flee . A few days passed and the horse started feeling much better . He still had not forgotten how the buffalo had hurt him , and started planning his revenge . After much thought , he decided to approach a man and ask for his help . On hearing the horse 's tale , the man shrugged and said , " Well , you fought with each other , and you lost . Why should I get into this ? Anyway , the buffalo has sharp horns . If she can hurt you , she will definitely kill me . " With that the man told the horse to leave him so he could get on with his work . Once again the horse pleaded with the man . He said , " If you help me , I will help you capture the buffalo . Then you can keep her , and I get to have the meadow all to myself . " The man laughed and said , " What will I do with a captured buffalo ; it is of no use to me . " The horse then told the man about the buffalo 's sweet milk . " It not only tastes very good , it is also very healthy . If you were to drink it every day you will become more powerful than all the animals in the jungle . " The man seemed impressed and agreed to help the horse . But the buffalo 's horns still worried him . But the horse had a plan . " What you need , " he said , " is a big fat stick . Just climb onto my back and every time I run past the buffalo , you hit her with the stick . She cannot run as fast as me so she will not be able to catch us . " The plan sounded good so the man decided to go along with it . Next morning the man climbed onto the horse 's back , holding a big fat stick . When they found the buffalo in the meadow , the horse started to run past the Posted by A flock of wild ducks were flying in formation , heading south for the winter . They formed a beautiful V in the sky , and were admired by everyone who saw them from below . One day , Wally , one of the wild ducks in the formation , spotted something on the ground that caught his eye . It was a barnyard with a flock of tame ducks who lived on the farm . They were waddling around on the ground , quacking merrily and eating corn that was thrown on the ground for them every day . Wally liked what he saw . " It sure would be nice to have some of that corn , " he thought to himself . " And all this flying is very tiring . I 'd like to just waddle around for a while . " So after thinking it over a while , Wally left the formation of wild ducks , made a sharp dive to the left , and headed for the barnyard . He landed among the tame ducks , and began to waddle around and quack merrily . He also started eating corn . The formation of wild ducks continued their journey South , but Wally didn 't care . " I 'll rejoin them when they come back North in a few months , he said to himself . Several months went by and sure enough , Wally looked up and spotted the flock of wild ducks in formation , heading north . They looked beautiful up there . And Wally was tired of the barnyard . It was muddy and everywhere he waddled , nothing but duck doo . " It 's time to leave , " said Wally . So Wally flapped his wings furiously and tried to get airborne . But he had gained some weight from all his corn - eating , and he hadn 't exercised his wings much either . He finally got off the ground , but he was flying too low and slammed into the side of the barn . He fell to the ground with a thud and said to himself , " Oh , well , I 'll just wait until they fly south in a few months . Then I 'll rejoin them and become a wild duck again . " But when the flock flew overhead once more , Wally again tried to lift himself out of the barnyard . He simply didn 't have the strength . Every winter and every spring , he saw his wild duck friends flying overhead , and they would call out to him . But his attempts to leave were alPosted by One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study . That week , the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work . She didn 't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver . As she watched the silversmith , he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up . He explained that in refining silver , one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities . The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot ; then she thought again about the verse that says : " He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver . " She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined . The man answered that yes , he not only had to sit there holding the silver , but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire . If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames , it would be destroyed . The woman was silent for a moment . Then she asked the silversmith , " How do you know when the silver is fully refined ? " He smiled at her and answered , " Oh , that 's easy - - when I see my image in it " If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you . Pass this on right now . This very moment , someone needs to know that God is watching over them . And , whatever they 're going through , they 'll be a better person in the end . " Life is a coin . You can spend it anyway you wish , but you can only spend it once . " One fine day , an old couple around the age of 70 , walks into a lawyer 's office . Apparently , they are there to file a divorce . Lawyer was very puzzled , after having a chat with them , he got their story . . . . This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right . They hang on because of their children , afraid that it might affect their up - bringing . Now , all their children have already grown up , have their own family , there 's nothing else the old couple have to worry about , all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage , so both agree on a divorce . . . . Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done , because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70 , he couldnt understand why the old couple would still want a divorce . . While they were signing the papers , the wife told the husband . . " I really love u , but i really cant carry on anymore , I 'm sorry . . " " Its o . k , i understand . . " said the husband . Lookin at this , the lawyer suggested a dinner together , just 3 of them , wife thought , why not , since they are still gonna be friends . . At the dining table , there was a silence of awkardness . The first dish was roasted chicken , immediately , the old man took the drumstick for the old lady . . " take this , its your favourite . . " Looking at this , the lawyer thought maybe theres still a chance , but the wife was frowning when she answer . . " This is always the problem , you always think so highly of yourself , never thought about how I feel , dont you know that i hate drumsticks ? " Little did she know that , over the years , the husband have been trying all ways to please her , little did she know that drumsticks was the husband 's favourite . Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all , little did he know that she hates drummsticks even though all he wants is the best for her . That night , both of them couldnt sleep , toss and turn , toss and turn . . . after hours , the old man couldnt take it anymore , he knows that he still lovesPosted by A man was strolling along the beach one day when he spotted a bottle washed up on the shore . He went over and picked it up , and noticed a message in the bottle . He popped the cork out and inside was a weathered treasure map indicating that there was buried treasure to be found in the shallow waters below . But the man thought it was a hoax , so he slipped the map back in and threw the bottle back into the ocean . . . A little later , another man was walking along the beach and the bottle had washed upon the shore . He too picked up the bottle , popped out the cork , and found the treasure map . This man , however , was curious enough to wade into the water and hoped it was buried shallow enough to find . But once the cold ocean waters reached up to his thighs , he decided to quit . " This is not worth it ! " he thought to himself . So he scrambled back to shore and chucked the bottle back into the ocean . . . . A third man was walking by the beach and noticed the bottle washed upon the shore . He went over , opened the bottle and found the map . The map looked authentic enough , and promised great treasure . . . So he got himself a small raft and set out into the ocean to claim the treasure . . he rowed out far enough into the ocean where the " X " on the map was and to his surprise , he saw the glint of something shining in the waters below . . he dove into the ocean and swam towards the shining object below . . He could see that there was something that looked like a treasure chest , but he couldn 't quite reach it and the deeper he went , the greater the cold and pressure on his body and his mind . . , " I am about to lose my breath , and the longer i take , my raft might be swept away ! " , he thought . So the man decided to give up the hunt so he would ensure his own life and safety . . when he reached the shore once more , he took the bottle from the raft and tossed it back into the ocean . . . Finally , one more man was walking along the beach . He noticed the bottle , went over , popped it open , and was excited to find a map promising great treasure . He noticed someone had Posted by This is a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs . He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person . What set him so far apart from others ? He responded that , in his opinion , it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old . He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell , spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor - a veritable sea of milk ! When his mother came into the kitchen , instead of yelling at him , giving him a lecture , or punishing him , she said , " Robert , what a great and wonderful mess you have made ! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk . Well , the damage has already been done . Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up ? " Indeed , he did . After a few minutes , his mother said , " You know , Robert , whenever you make a mess like this , eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order . So , how would you like to do that ? We could use a sponge , a towel , or a mop . Which do you prefer ? " He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk . His mother then said , " You know , what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands . Let 's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it . " The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands , he could carry it without dropping it . What a wonderful lesson ! This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn 't need to be afraid to make mistakes . Instead , he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new , which is , after all , what scientific experiments are all about . Even if the experiment " doPosted by A beggar lived near the king 's palace . One day he saw a proclamation posted outside the palace gate . The king was giving a great dinner . Anyone dressed in royal garments was invited to the party . The beggar went on his way . He looked at the rags he was wearing and sighed . Surely only kings and their families wore royal robes , he thought . Slowly an idea crept into his mind . The audacity of it made him tremble . Would he dare ? He made his way back to the palace . He approached the guard at the gate . " Please , sir , I would like to speak to the king . " " Wait here , " the guard replied . In a few minutes , he was back . " His majesty will see you , " he said , and led the beggar in . " You wish to see me ? " asked the king . " Yes , your majesty . I want so much to attend the banquet , but I have no royal robes to wear . Please , sir , if I may be so bold , may I have one of your old garments so that I , too , may come to the banquet ? " The beggar shook so hard that he could not see the faint smile that was on the king 's face . " You have been wise in coming to me , " the king said . He called to his son , the young prince . " Take this man to your room and array him in some of your clothes . " The prince did as he was told and soon the beggar was standing before a mirror , clothed in garments that he had never dared hope for . " You are now eligible to attend the king 's banquet tomorrow night , " said the prince . " But even more important , you will never need any other clothes . These garments will last forever . " The beggar dropped to his knees . " Oh , thank you , " he cried . But as he started to leave , he looked back at his pile of dirty rags on the floor . He hesitated . What if the prince was wrong ? What if he would need his old clothes again . Quickly he gathered them up . The banquet was far greater than he had ever imagined , but he could not enjoy himself as he should . He had made a small bundle of his old rags and it kept falling off his lap . The food was passed quickly and the beggar missed some of the greatest delicacies . Time proved that the prince was right . The clothesPosted by Years ago , a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast . He constantly advertised for hired hands . Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic . They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic , wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops . As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job , he received A steady stream of refusals . Finally , a short , thin man , well past middle age , approached the farmer . " Are you a good farm hand ? " the farmer asked him . " Well , I can sleep when the wind blows , " answered the little man . Although puzzled by this answer , the farmer , desperate for help , Hired him . The little man worked well around the farm , busy from dawn to dusk , and the farmer felt satisfied with the man 's work . Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore . Jumping out of bed , the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand 's sleeping quarters . He shook the little man and yelled , " Get up ! A storm is coming ! Tie things down before they blow away ! " The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly , " No sir . I told you , I can sleep when the wind blows . " Enraged by the response , the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot . Instead , he hurried outside to prepare for the storm . To his amazement , he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins . The cows were in the barn , the chickens were in the coops , and the doors were barred . The shutters were tightly secured . Everything was tied down . Nothing could blow away . The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant , so he also returned to his bed to sleep while the wind blew . When you 're prepared , spiritually , mentally , and physically , you have nothing to fear . Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life ? Once Buddha was walking from one town to another town with a few of his followers . This was in the initial days . While they were traveling , they happened to pass a lake . They stopped there and Buddha told one of his disciples , " I am thirsty . Do get me some water from that lake there . " The disciple walked up to the lake . When he reached it , he noticed that right at that moment , a bullock cart started crossing through the lake . As a result , the water became very muddy , very turbid . The disciple thought , " How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink ! " So he came back and told Buddha , " The water in there is very muddy . I don 't think it is fit to drink . " After about half an hour , again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake and get him some water to drink . The disciple obediently went back to the lake . This time too he found that the lake was muddy . He returned and informed Buddha about the same . After sometime , again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back . The disciple reached the lake to find the lake absolutely clean and clear with pure water in it . The mud had settled down and the water above it looked fit to be had . So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha . Buddha looked at the water , and then he looked up at the disciple and said , " See what you did to make the water clean . You let it be … . and the mud settled down on its own - and you got clear water . Your mind is also like that ! When it is disturbed , just let it be . Give it a little time . It will settle down on its own . You don 't have to put in any effort to calm it down . It will happen . It is effortless . " What did Buddha emphasize here ? He said , " It is effortless . " Having ' Peace of Mind ' is not a strenuous job ; it is an effortless process ! In life everything goes on . Keep Going . Have a peaceful Life ! One fine day , a bus driver went to the bus garage , started his bus and drove of along his route . No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on , a few people got off and things went generally well . At the next stop , however , a huge bulk of a Bob got on , six feet five built quite like a wrestler . He glared at the conductor and said , " Bob doesn 't pay " and sat down at the back . Conductor did not argue with the Bob , but he wasn 't happy about it . The next day the same thing happened . Bob got on the bus and made a show of refusing to pay , and sat down . And the next day , and the next . This grated the bus driver who started losing sleep over the manner in which the Bob was taking advantage of the poor conductor . Finally the conductor could not stand the Bob any longer . So ! he signed up for a bodybuilding , Karat , Judo and all that good stuff . By the end of that summer , he has become quite strong What 's more , he really fellt good about himself . So ! , on the next Monday when the Bob once again got on the bus and said " Bob doesn 't pay " the conductor stood up and glared back at the Bob and screamed , " And why not ? " With a surprise look on his face , Bob replied " Bob has a bus pass " The moral of the story - Be sure there is a genuine issue before trying to work hard to solve it . Once upon a time , there was a large mountainside , where an eagle 's nest rested . The eagle 's nest contained four large eagle eggs . One day an earthquake rocked the mountain causing one of the eggs to roll down the mountain , to a chicken farm , located in the valley below . The chickens knew that they must protect and care for the eagle 's egg , so an old hen volunteered to nurture and raise the large egg . One day , the egg hatched and a beautiful eagle was born . Sadly , however , the eagle was raised to be a chicken . Soon , the eagle believed he was nothing more than a chicken . The eagle loved his home and family , but his spirit cried out for more . While playing a game on the farm one day , the eagle looked to the skies above and noticed a group of mighty eagles soaring in the skies . " Oh , " the eagle cried , " I wish I could soar like those birds . " The chickens roared with laughter , " You cannot soar with those birds . You are a chicken and chickens do not soar . " The eagle continued staring , at his real family up above , dreaming that he could be with them . Each time the eagle would let his dreams be known , he was told it couldn 't be done . That is what the eagle learned to believe . The eagle , after time , stopped dreaming and continued to live his life like a chicken . Finally , after a long life as a chicken , the eagle passed away . The moral of the story : You become what you believe you are ; so if you ever dream to become an eagle follow your dreams , not the words of a chicken . Most people are like the circus elephant . Have you ever seen a giant elephant in an indoor arena tied to a little wooden stake . That huge creature can pick up two thousand pounds with its trunk , yet it calmly stays tied . Why ? When that elephant was just a baby , and not very strong , it was tied by a huge chain to an iron stake that could not be moved . Regardless of how hard it tried , it could not break the chain and run free . After it a while it just gave up . Later , when it is strong , it never attempts to break free . The " imprint " is permanent . " I can 't ! I can 't ! ' it says . There are millions of people who behave like this creature of the circus . They have been bound , tied and told " You 'll never make it , " so many times they finally call it quits . The may have dreams , but the " imprinting " keeps pulling them back . Today , eliminate the source of your limitations . When you mentally break free , the boundaries will be removed from your future . A parable is told of a community of ducks waddling off to duck church one Sunday to hear their duck preacher . After they waddled into the duck sanctuary , the service began and the duck preacher spoke eloquently of how God had given the ducks wings with which to fly . He pounded the pulpit with his beak and said , " With these wings , there is nowhere we ducks can not go ! " There is no God - given task we ducks cannot accomplish ! " With these wings we no longer need walk through life . We can soar high in the sky ! " Shouts of " Amen ! ¨ were quacked throughout the duck congregation . The duck preacher concluded his message by exclaiming , " With our wings we can fly through life ! WE CAN FLY ! ! ! ! ¨ More ducks quacked out loud " AMEN ! " in response . Every duck loved the service . In fact all the ducks that were present commented on what a wonderfully convicting message they had heard from their duck preacher . . . . and then they left the church and waddled all the way home . Too often we waddle away from worship the same way we waddled in . . . . unchanged . Real story happened with famous Heart Surgeon Lt . Dr . Nitu Mandke . He had done many heart operations . A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop , who was standing off to the side , waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car . The mechanic shouted across the garage , " Hello Doctor ! Please come over here for a minute . " The famous surgeon , a bit surprised , walked over to the mechanic . The mechanic straightened up , wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively , " So doctor , look at this . I also open hearts , take valves out , grind ' em , put in new parts , and when I finish this will work as a new one . So how come you get the big money , when you and me is doing basically the same work ? " The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic . . . . . . . " TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE ENGINE IS RUNNING " . Story re - writtenOnce upon a time , there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine , sitting under a tree on the banks of a river . He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market . One day , while he was working , his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river . Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood ( the woodcutter and the axe ) , he started praying to the River Goddess . The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers . The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river . As usual , the Goddess wanted to test his honesty . She showed him a match box and asked , " Is this your computer ? " Disappointed by the Goddess ' lack of computer awareness , the engineer replied , " No . " She next showed him a pocket - sized calculator and asked if that was his . Annoyed , the engineer said " No , not at all ! ! " Finally , she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his . The engineer , left with no option , sighed and said " Yes . " The River Goddess was happy with his honesty . She was about to give him all three items , but before she could make the offer , the engineer asked her , " Don 't you know that you 're supposed to show me some bettercomputers before bringing up my own ? " The River Goddess , angered at this , replied , " I know that , you stupid donkey ! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium , the latest computers from IBM ! " . So saying , she disappeared with the Pentium ! ! Moral : If you 're not up - to - date with technology trends , it 's better keep your mouth shut and let people think you 're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt . Lakshmi Mittal - Success StoryBorn : June 15 , 1950 , Sadulpur , Rajasthan , India . Age : 59Country Of Citizenship : IndiaResidence : London , United Kingdom , Europe & RussiaReligious stance : HinduismOccupation : Chairman & CEO of Arcelor MittalNet worth : $ 51 . 0 billion USDFortune : Inherited and growingSource : SteelIndustry : ManufacturingWebsite : mittalsteel . comMarital Status : Married , 2 childrenEducation : St Xavier 's College Calcutta , Bachelor of Arts / Science . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Lakshmi Narayan Mittal ( born June 15 , 1950 ) is a London - based Indian billionaire industrialist , born in Sadulpur Village , in the Churu district of Rajasthan , India , and residing in Kensington , London . He is the fifth richest person in the world , with a personal fortune of US $ 32 . 0 billion according to Forbes 500 . The Financial Times named Mittal its 2006 Person of the Year . In May 2007 , he was named one of the " 100 most influential people " by Time magazine . Lakshmi spent his first years in India , living with his extended family on bare floors and rope beds in a house built by his grandfather . His family , from the Marwari Aggarwal castel , was from humble roots ; his grandfather worked for the Tarachand Ghanshyamdas Poddar firm , one of the leading Marwari industrial firms of pre - independence India . They eventually moved to Calcutta where his father , Mohan , became a partner in a steel company and made a fortune . Lakshmi was a keen student and his classmates knew him as a sharp student who was good with numbers . He graduated at the top from St . Xavier 's College in Calcutta ( Now known as Kolkata ) with a Bachelor of Commerce degree in Business and Accounting in 1969 . Lakshmi Mittal began his career working in the family 's steelmaking business in India , and in 1976 , when the family founded its own steel business , Mittal set out to establish its international division , beginning with the buying of a run - down plant in Indonesia . Shortly afterwards he married Usha , the daughter of a well - to - do moneylender . Posted by An excerpt from Learning to Dance in the Rain by Mac Anderson and BJ Gallagher The date was July 16 , 2008 . It was late in the afternoon and I was sitting in my hotel room in Louisville , Kentucky . I was scheduled to speak that evening for the Kentucky Association of School Administrators ( KASA ) . I was a little " down in the dumps . " I hadn 't gotten to exercise lately because of my traveling schedule and recently I 'd experienced some mild bouts of vertigo ( that inner ear condition that can cause the room to start spinning . ) You got it . . . speaking and " spinning " are not good partners ! My keynote presentation was scheduled for 7 : 00 PM , but I had been invited to show up at 6 : 00 to see a performance they said I 'd enjoy . Little did I know that I was about to see something I would never forget . They introduced the young musician . Welcome . . . Mr . Patrick Henry Hughes . He was rolled onto the stage in his wheelchair , and began to play the piano . His fingers danced across the keys as he made beautiful music . He then began to sing as he played , and it was even more beautiful . For some reason , however , I knew that I was seeing something special . There was this aura about him that I really can 't explain and the smile . . . his smile was magic ! About ten minutes into Patrick 's performance , someone came on the stage and said . . . " I 'd like to share a 7 - minute video titled , The Patrick Henry Hughes story . " And the lights went dim . Patrick Henry Hughes was born with no eyes , and a tightening of the joints which left him crippled for life . However , as a child , he was fitted with artificial eyes and placed in a wheelchair . Before his first birthday , he discovered the piano . His mom said , " I could hit any note on the piano , and within one or two tries , he 'd get it . " By his second birthday , he was playing requests ( You Are My Sunshine , Twinkle Twinkle Little Star ) . His father was ecstatic . " We might not play baseball , but we can play music together . " Today , Patrick is a junior at the University of Louisville . His father attends classes with him anPosted by The professor stood before his class of 30 senior molecular biology students , about to pass out the final exam . ' I have been privileged to be your instructor this semester , and I know how hard you have all worked to prepare for this test . I also know most of you are off to medical school or grad school next fall , ' he said to them . ' I am well aware of how much pressure you are under to keep your GPAs up , and because I know you are all capable of understanding this material , I am prepared to offer an automatic ' B ' to anyone who would prefer not to take the final . ' The relief was audible as a number of students jumped up to thank the professor and departed from class . The professor looked at the handful of students who remained , and offered again , ' Any other takers ? This is your last opportunity . ' One more student decided to go . Seven students remained . The professor closed the door and took attendance . Then he handed out the final exam . There were two sentences typed on the paper : ' Congratulations , you have just received an ' A ' in this class . Keep believing in yourself . ' I never had a professor who gave a test like that . It may seem like the easy way out of grading a bunch of exams , but it 's a test that any teacher in any discipline could and should give . Students who don 't have confidence in what they 've learned are ' B ' students at best . The same is true for students of real life . The ' A ' students are those who believe in what they 're doing because they 've learned from both successes and failures . They 've absorbed life 's lessons , whether from formal education or the school of hard knocks , and become better people . Those are the people who you look for when you 're hiring or promoting , and the ones you keep if you 're downsizing . Your organisation needs their brand of thinking . Psychologists say that by the age of two , 50 percent of what we ever believe about ourselves has been formed ; by age six , 60 percent , and at eight years , 80 percent . Wouldn 't you love to have the energy and optimism of a little kid ? There is nothing yPosted by The Perfect Heart . . . . One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley . A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect . There was not a mark or a flaw in it . Yes , they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen . The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart . Suddenly , an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said , " Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine . " The crowd and the young man looked at the old man 's heart . It was beating strongly , but full of scars , it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in , but they didn 't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges . In fact , in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing . The people stared - - how can he say his heart is more beautiful , they thought ? The young man looked at the old man 's heart and saw its state and laughed . " You must be joking , " he said . " Compare your heart with mine , mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears . " " Yes , " said the old man , " yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you . You see , every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them , and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart , but because the pieces aren 't exact , I have some rough edges , which I cherish , because they remind me of the love we shared . Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away , and the other person hasn 't returned a piece of his heart to me . These are the empty gouges - - giving love is taking a chance . Although these gouges are painful , they stay open , reminding me of the love I have for these people too , and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting . So now do you see what true beauty is ? " The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks . He walked up to the old man , reached into Posted by

I wrote this last night when I was feeling very , very sad . Today is a new day , but I wanted to post it anyway , in the interest of honesty . These feelings are part of this journey . Kevin tells a great story about taking a friend on her first roller coaster ride . While that story isn 't about me , he also took me on my first roller coaster ride . I loved it . I loved the dips and turns , the g - force thrills . I do not love this roller coaster . I do not love the emotional pummeling pancreatic cancer is giving us . I do not love the fact that I am struggling to retain my emotional stability , my momentum , my intellect and my integrity all the time . I do not love that I write something meaningful , something I believe , and ten minutes later I feel like a liar because I just can 't live that way in this moment , that in this moment all I want to do is howl . ( Please bear in mind , I don 't feel this way all the time . But I do right now and it feels dishonest to deny it . Thanks for understanding . ) When my beloved and I first became an item 15 years ago , I told him that I wanted happily ever after . That led to a lot of discussions into the nature of this state . He was afraid I expected a fairy - tale romance every day when in fact I meant simply that I wanted a chance at happiness every day . Or every day happiness , with all of its irritations . Or at least the opportunity to work side - by - side and see what we could build . For 15 years I have had that . I am very , very lucky . And I had every expectation that I would be able to continue this version of happily ever after for years to come . After all , in fairy tales happily ever after means at least for a really long time . On January 18th that changed . My beloved was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer . You can read about it here and frankly in just about every post for 2014 to date . If you want to know how he 's doing go here . Now , just over a month later , the shock is wearing off and I 'm beginning to think about how I manage in this new normal . What does happily ever after look like now ? Ever after means something different now . Each morning I wake up and try to remind myself that I have today . None of us are really guaranteed anything beyond this breath ; I am just in a position of being more aware of that than most people . Today can be a kind of happily ever after . The happily part is different now . I used to take great joy in the every day pleasures - going grocery shopping together , laughing until we couldn 't stand , stuff like that . Those pleasures are changing now . I 'm looking for smaller grains of happiness and learning to cherish them . Holding hands . The moments of clarity through medication and pain . Watching him take a small bite of something and remembering , however briefly , that food can be good . Knowing he is finally sleeping well . There will certainly be times when I can 't find light , but to deny what happiness there still is in this stressed , painful , uncertain place is to submit to illness too early . There is still joy . There is still a future , though it may have been redefined . There is still a kind of happily ever after . I know this may sound like I 'm denying what 's happening or as if I am a pollyanna . I am not . What I am is one person , standing witness to what has been and what will be , and reminding myself that what happily ever after really means is right now . This moment . I am reminding myself that even in the dark , even when I am at my most scared and desolate , happiness can be found in difficulty and that ever after is all any of us ever have . These days alone time is confusing and not a little scary . I still need it , but it no longer feels safe . It is too easy to imagine what may come , the pains and hardships . It 's disquieting , finding myself dreading one of the things I need the most . In this state I find myself clinging to social media . Has anyone posted anything new on Facebook ? On CaringBridge ? Anyone ? Hello ? I suppose that 's why I 'm writing this post , to feel connected , even if I am alone in our home . I 've always had fairly skeptical feelings about Valentine 's Day . When I was a little girl I pretty quickly figured out it was a popularity contest - remember delivering those tiny little cards into paper bags on everyone 's desk ? There was always the kid who got more than anyone else and there was always the kid who received none . Once I realized that , I decided it was a crock . That isn 't to say I want to be forgotten on Valentine 's Day , but it 's not that important to me . I know I am loved . Since it 's not a big deal to either of us , Kevin and I give each other Valentine 's Day cards and might grab a bite to eat , but really , when you 've been together this long you don 't need a specific day to say , " I love you , " right ? This year Valentine 's Day is being spent in the hospital . My Valentine 's Day gift today was holding his hand as the first chemo infusion began to make its way into his veins . I could not ask for a better gift . I am extraordinarily lucky , in that I don 't need a holiday to remind me that I am loved and that I love . I just love . Every day . And today I can celebrate the feel of his palm on mine as we fight , together . I wanted to write about how everything continues , even when my own life is focused intently on one room in one building with one person . I wanted to write about how , even in the midst of ( the beginning of ) what is surely the most difficult thing I 've had to do to date , life doesn 't stop . I must remember to eat and move and care for myself , to honor my commitments . I wanted to write about that . We each are the protagonists in our own stories , I wanted to write about that . I wanted to write about all of it , how life goes on even when it is circling one spot in a very tight orbit . I wanted to write about that . But what I find myself needing to write about is this : This is life , actually . This tight orbit , this person , this building , this room . Life is not what happens out there , beyond my care and concern for my beloved , it is what happens in every breath . Mine . His . I don 't know if all of this sounds trite and worn , if it does please forgive me , it 's just that right now , it 's all I know . That this is life , my life , in this moment . What I need to remember is that every moment is what life is about . It 's about watching him sleep . It 's about honoring my commitments and telling stories at gigs , even if I don 't know if I can do it . It 's about helping others find their story . It 's about the tears , the laughter , the anger , the untasted food , the intrusive questions , about Every Single Moment . Even the hard ones , the ones that feel as though the rest of the world should stop and pay attention , dammit , something important is happening here ! How can things like traffic lights and bills and other people holding hands still happen when everything in the world is orbiting this bed in this room in this hospital ? Because that 's what life is about . All of us caught in the dance , swinging by each other and interacting only for a moment . Everything . Every moment . Every story . Every breath . As many of you know , my husband Kevin is ill . I 've taken to reading him fairy tales to help him rest and as a distraction from his current discomforts . This morning I read him A Tale of the Tontlawald , an Estonian fairy tale retold in Andrew Lang 's Violet Fairy Tale Book . I love this story . It describes what is essentially a stolen child tale with the assumption that this is the best possible thing for the child . It is full of wondrous detail ( trees that bleed , the sea in a box and so on ) so it 's just juicy for telling . I also love the way the written tale wanders about , establishing setting for quite some time before delving into the story itself . It is a complete piece that provides context for listeners unfamiliar with fairy land . Long , long ago there stood in the midst of a country covered with lakes a vast stretch of moorland called the Tontlawald , on which no man ever dared set foot . From time to time a few bold spirits had been drawn by curiosity to its borders , and on their return had reported that they had caught a glimpse of a ruined house in a grove of thick trees , and round about it were a crowd of beings resembling men , swarming over the grass like bees . The men were as dirty and ragged as gipsies , and there were besides a quantity of old women and half - naked children . One night a peasant who was returning home from a feast wandered a little farther into the Tontlawald , and came back with the same story . A countless number of women and children were gathered round a huge fire , and some were seated on the ground , while others danced strange dances on the smooth grass . One old crone had a broad iron ladle in her hand , with which every now and then she stirred the fire , but the moment she touched the glowing ashes the children rushed away , shrieking like night owls , and it was a long while before they ventured to steal back . And besides all this there had once or twice been seen a little old man with a long beard creeping out of the forest , carrying a sack bigger than himself . The women and children ran by his side , weeping and trying to drag the sack from off his back , but he shook them off , and went on his way . There was also a tale of a magnificent black cat as large as a foal , but men could not believe all the wonders told by the peasant , and it was difficult to make out what was true and what was false in his story . However , the fact remained that strange things did happen there , and the King of Sweden , to whom this part of the country belonged , more than once gave orders to cut down the haunted wood , but there was no one with courage enough to obey his commands . At length one man , bolder than the rest , struck his axe into a tree , but his blow was followed by a stream of blood and shrieks as of a human creature in pain . The terrified woodcutter fled as fast as his legs would carry him , and after that neither orders nor threats would drive anybody to the enchanted moor . For two years Elsa suffered all this ill - treatment , when one day she went out with the other village children to pluck strawberries . Carelessly they wandered on , till at last they reached the edge of the Tontlawald , where the finest strawberries grew , making the grass red with their colour . The children flung themselves down on the ground , and , after eating as many as they wanted , began to pile up their baskets , when suddenly a cry arose from one of the older boys : ' After all , what does it matter ? ' thought she . ' The dwellers in the Tontlawald cannot be worse than my stepmother ' ; and looking up she saw a little black dog with a silver bell on its neck come barking towards her , followed by a maiden clad all in silk . ' Be quiet , ' said she ; then turning to Elsa she added : ' I am so glad you did not run away with the other children . Stay here with me and be my friend , and we will play delightful games together , and every day we will go and gather strawberries . Nobody will dare to beat you if I tell them not . Come , let us go to my mother ' ; and taking Elsa 's hand she led her deeper into the wood , the little black dog jumping up beside them and barking with pleasure . Oh ! what wonders and splendours unfolded themselves before Elsa 's astonished eyes ! She thought she really must be in Heaven . Fruit trees and bushes loaded with fruit stood before them , while birds gayer than the brightest butterfly sat in their branches and filled the air with their song . And the birds were not shy , but let the girls take them in their hands , and stroke their gold and silver feathers . In the centre of the garden was the dwelling - house , shining with glass and precious stones , and in the doorway sat a woman in rich garments , who turned to Elsa 's companion and asked : The mother laughed , but said nothing , only she looked Elsa up and down sharply . Then she told the girl to come near , and stroked her cheeks and spoke kindly to her , asking if her parents were alive , and if she really would like to stay with them . Elsa stooped and kissed her hand , then , kneeling down , buried her face in the woman 's lap , and sobbed out : ' My mother has lain for many years under the ground . My father is still alive , but I am nothing to him , and my stepmother beats me all the day long . I can do nothing right , so let me , I pray you , stay with you . I will look after the flocks or do any work you tell me ; I will obey your lightest word ; only do not , I entreat you , send me back to her . She will half kill me for not having come back with the other children . ' Then the daughter said to Elsa , ' Fear nothing , my mother will be your friend . I saw by the way she looked that she would grant your request when she had thought over it , ' and , telling Elsa to wait , she entered the house to seek her mother . Elsa meanwhile was tossed about between hope and fear , and felt as if the girl would never come . ' My mother says we may play together to - day , as she wants to make up her mind what to do about you . But I hope you will stay here always , as I can 't bear you to go away . Have you ever been on the sea ? ' ' Oh , I 'll soon show you , ' answered the girl , taking the lid from the box , and at the very bottom lay a scrap of a cloak , a mussel shell , and two fish scales . Two drops of water were glistening on the cloak , and these the girl shook on the ground . In an instant the garden and lawn and everything else had vanished utterly , as if the earth had opened and swallowed them up , and as far as the eye could reach you could see nothing but water , which seemed at last to touch heaven itself . Only under their feet was a tiny dry spot . Then the girl placed the mussel shell on the water and took the fish scales in her hand . The mussel shell grew bigger and bigger , and turned into a pretty little boat , which would have held a dozen children . The girls stepped in , Elsa very cautiously , for which she was much laughed at by her friend , who used the fish scales for a rudder . The waves rocked the girls softly , as if they were lying in a cradle , and they floated on till they met other boats filled with men , singing and making merry . ' We must sing you a song in return , ' said the girl , but as Elsa did not know any songs , she had to sing by herself . Elsa could not understand any of the men 's songs , but one word , she noticed , came over and over again , and that was ' Kisika . ' Elsa asked what it meant , and the girl replied that it was her name . So Kisika took the little box out of her pocket , with the piece of cloth lying in it , and dipped the cloth in the water , and lo ! they were standing close to a splendid house in the middle of the garden . Everything round them was dry and firm , and there was no water anywhere . The mussel shell and the fish scales were put back in the box , and the girls went in . Elsa did not know which way to look , for everything that met her eyes was more beautiful than she could have dreamed possible . But she sat down with the rest , and ate some delicious fruit , and thought she must be in heaven . The guests talked softly , but their speech was strange to Elsa , and she understood nothing of what was said . Then the hostess turned round and whispered something to a maid behind her chair , and the maid left the hall , and when she came back she brought a little old man with her , who had a beard longer than himself . He bowed low to the lady and then stood quietly near the door . ' Do you see this girl ? ' said the lady of the house , pointing to Elsa . ' I wish to adopt her for my daughter . Make me a copy of her , which we can send to her native village instead of herself . ' The old man looked Elsa all up and down , as if he was taking her measure , bowed again to the lady , and left the hall . After dinner the lady said kindly to Elsa , ' Kisika has begged me to let you stay with her , and you have told her you would like to live here . Is that so ? ' Not long after the old man came back with a mould full of clay on his shoulders , and a little covered basket in his left hand . He put down his mould and his basket on the ground , took up a handful of clay , and made a doll as large as life . When it was finished he bored a hole in the doll 's breast and put a bit of bread inside ; then , drawing a snake out of the basket , forced it to enter the hollow body . When Elsa awoke the next morning in her silken bed , with its soft white pillows , she saw a beautiful dress lying over the back of a chair , ready for her to put on . A maid came in to comb out her long hair , and brought the finest linen for her use ; but nothing gave Elsa so much joy as the little pair of embroidered shoes that she held in her hand , for the girl had hitherto been forced to run about barefoot by her cruel stepmother . In her excitement she never gave a thought to the rough clothes she had worn the day before , which had disappeared as if by magic during the night . Who could have taken them ? Well , she was to know that by - and - by . But WE can guess that the doll had been dressed in them , which was to go back to the village in her stead . By the time the sun rose the doll had attained her full size , and no one could have told one girl from the other . Elsa started back when she met herself as she looked only yesterday . ' You must not be frightened , ' said the lady , when she noticed her terror ; ' this clay figure can do you no harm . It is for your stepmother , that she may beat it instead of you . Let her flog it as hard as she will , it can never feel any pain . And if the wicked woman does not come one day to a better mind your double will be able at last to give her the punishment she deserves . ' From this moment Elsa 's life was that of the ordinary happy child , who has been rocked to sleep in her babyhood in a lovely golden cradle . She had no cares or troubles of any sort , and every day her tasks became easier , and the years that had gone before seemed more and more like a bad dream . But the happier she grew the deeper was her wonder at everything around her , and the more firmly she was persuaded that some great unknown power must be at the bottom of it all . In the courtyard stood a huge granite block about twenty steps from the house , and when meal times came round the old man with the long beard went to the block , drew out a small silver staff , and struck the stone with it three times , so that the sound could be heard a long way off . At the third blow , out sprang a large golden cock , and stood upon the stone . Whenever he crowed and flapped his wings the rock opened and something came out of it . First a long table covered with dishes ready laid for the number of persons who would be seated round it , and this flew into the house all by itself . When the cock crowed for the second time , a number of chairs appeared , and flew after the table ; then wine , apples , and other fruit , all without trouble to anybody . After everybody had had enough , the old man struck the rock again . the golden cock crowed afresh , and back went dishes , table , chairs , and plates into the middle of the block . ' Do not worry yourself with useless wondering . You wish to know why we never eat of the thirteenth dish ? That , dear child , is the dish of hidden blessings , and we cannot taste of it without bringing our happy life here to an end . And the world would be a great deal better if men , in their greed , did not seek to snatch every thing for themselves , instead of leaving something as a thankoffering to the giver of the blessings . Greed is man 's worst fault . ' The years passed like the wind for Elsa , and she grew into a lovely woman , with a knowledge of many things that she would never have learned in her native village ; but Kisika was still the same young girl that she had been on the day of her first meeting with Elsa . Each morning they both worked for an hour at reading and writing , as they had always done , and Elsa was anxious to learn all she could , but Kisika much preferred childish games to anything else . If the humour seized her , she would fling aside her tasks , take her treasure box , and go off to play in the sea , where no harm ever came to her . Nine years slipped away in this manner , when one day the lady called Elsa into her room . Elsa was surprised at the summons , for it was unusual , and her heart sank , for she feared some evil threatened her . As she crossed the threshold , she saw that the lady 's cheeks were flushed , and her eyes full of tears , which she dried hastily , as if she would conceal them from the girl . ' Dearest child , ' she began , ' the time has come when we must part . ' ' Part ? ' cried Elsa , burying her head in the lady 's lap . ' No , dear lady , that can never be till death parts us . You once opened your arms to me ; you cannot thrust me away now . ' ' Ah , be quiet , child , ' replied the lady ; ' you do not know what I would do to make you happy . Now you are a woman , and I have no right to keep you here . You must return to the world of men , where joy awaits you . ' ' Dear lady , ' entreated Elsa again . ' Do not , I beseech you , send me from you . I want no other happiness but to live and die beside you . Make me your waiting maid , or set me to any work you choose , but do not cast me forth into the world . It would have been better if you had left me with my stepmother , than first to have brought me to heaven and then send me back to a worse place . ' ' Do not talk like that , dear child , ' replied the lady ; ' you do not know all that must be done to secure your happiness , however much it costs me . But it has to be . You are only a common mortal , who will have to die one day , and you cannot stay here any longer . Though we have the bodies of men , we are not men at all , though it is not easy for you to understand why . Some day or other you will find a husband who has been made expressly for you , and will live happily with him till death separates you . It will be very hard for me to part from you , but it has to be , and you must make up your mind to it . ' Then she drew her golden comb gently through Elsa 's hair , and bade her go to bed ; but little sleep had the poor girl ! Life seemed to stretch before her like a dark starless night . Now let us look back a moment , and see what had been going on in Elsa 's native village all these years , and how her double had fared . It is a well - known fact that a bad woman seldom becomes better as she grows older , and Elsa 's stepmother was no exception to the rule ; but as the figure that had taken the girl 's place could feel no pain , the blows that were showered on her night and day made no difference . If the father ever tried to come to his daughter 's help , his wife turned upon him , and things were rather worse than before . One day the stepmother had given the girl a frightful beating , and then threatened to kill her outright . Mad with rage , she seized the figure by the throat with both hands , when out came a black snake from her mouth and stung the woman 's tongue , and she fell dead without a sound . At night , when the husband came home , he found his wife lying dead upon the ground , her body all swollen and disfigured , but the girl was nowhere to be seen . His screams brought the neighbours from their cottages , but they were unable to explain how it had all come about . It was true , they said , that about mid - day they had heard a great noise , but as that was a matter of daily occurrence they did not think much of it . The rest of the day all was still , but no one had seen anything of the daughter . The body of the dead woman was then prepared for burial , and her tired husband went to bed , rejoicing in his heart that he had been delivered from the firebrand who had made his home unpleasant . On the table he saw a slice of bread lying , and , being hungry , he ate it before going to sleep . Next morning , when she got up , the lady placed a gold seal ring on her finger , strung a little golden box on a ribbon , and placed it round her neck ; then she called the old man , and , forcing back her tears , took leave of Elsa . The girl tried to speak , but before she could sob out her thanks the old man had touched her softly on the head three times with his silver staff . In an instant Elsa knew that she was turning into a bird : wings sprang from beneath her arms ; her feet were the feet of eagles , with long claws ; her nose curved itself into a sharp beak , and feathers covered her body . Then she soared high in the air , and floated up towards the clouds , as if she had really been hatched an eagle . For several days she flew steadily south , resting from time to time when her wings grew tired , for hunger she never felt . And so it happened that one day she was flying over a dense forest , and below hounds were barking fiercely , because , not having wings themselves , she was out of their reach . Suddenly a sharp pain quivered through her body , and she fell to the ground , pierced by an arrow . As she was wondering what she should do next the king 's son came riding by , and , seeing Elsa , sprang from his horse , and took her by the hand , sawing , ' Ah ! it was a happy chance that brought me here this morning . Every night , for half a year , have I dreamed , dear lady , that I should one day find you in this wood . And although I have passed through it hundreds of times in vain , I have never given up hope . To - day I was going in search of a large eagle that I had shot , and instead of the eagle I have found - you . ' Then he took Elsa on his horse , and rode with her to the town , where the old king received her graciously . A few days later the wedding took place , and as Elsa was arranging the veil upon her hair fifty carts arrived laden with beautiful things which the lady of the Tontlawald had sent to Elsa . And after the king 's death Elsa became queen , and when she was old she told this story . But that was the last that was ever heard of the Tontlawald . I have always been a stubborn person . My parents tell a story about how , when I was maybe a year old , they were busy with a task and couldn 't pay much attention to me . Apparently , they leaned over my crib and told me they would be with me very soon , something a baby might not have the capacity to understand . I started to cry as soon as they got to work , because I wanted their attention . They completed their task as quickly as possible then came over to me . I had stopped crying . And I would not look at them . I turned my face away no matter how sweetly they cooed . It is my first recorded sulk and moment of stubbornness . I am still a stubborn person , though now I try to temper it with thoughtful actions and analysis ; I 'd like to think I am a bit more understanding of the world and its distractions than I was at a year old . But there are some things that are very hard for me to do , places where I get my back up . Accepting help is one of them . I want to solve my own problems and create my own solutions . And help is coming out of the woodwork . I am amazed , overwhelmed , astonished and honored by how many people have offered to help . Kevin 's kids all came to visit . Friends are flying in from around the country to help him once he comes home and to make sure I have support . Work friends are helping with yard work . Neighbors make sure the papers get picked up and bring me food . We are being cooked for , our home is being cleaned and we are constantly , constantly being reminded that this help is without obligation , it is given freely because we need it . In some ways all of this help makes me feel a little useless , but then I remember that right now ? doing the dishes is less important that being with him . That shoveling the walk takes time away from talking with doctors and being his advocate . And that accepting help allows all of these people who love us an opportunity to be involved . To support , to fight back at illness . To help . I am reminding myself over and over that right now , accepting help only makes sense . I need more help now than I ever have before , except maybe when I was that stubborn baby . I remind myself that help freely offered is a gift to both the one who receives and the one who gives . I remind myself , over and over and over again , the we all get by with a little help from our friends . This isn 't an easy lesson for me to learn . I will surely make some unkind mistakes or , at best , fail to ask for what we need . But I 'm trying . Thank you all . Thank you for your good thoughts , for your help , be it a prayer , a hope , a dish washed , an offer of a massage , a pot of soup , a ride to the airport . . . whatever it may be , please know that I appreciate it , even if right now I may not be effusive in my gratitude . Thank you for helping me help him . By now you know that my beloved and I are going through a tough time together . I am finding myself in a continuous state of kintsugi . This is the Japanese art of repairing shattered pottery with gold to create a perfectly imperfect piece of beauty , one that reflects its history and experience . I am shattered . I am continuously repaired . I am re - formed every single day though my purpose remains firm - to help Kevin on this journey in every way I can . I do not know the words to describe what I 'm feeling . I come up with all kinds of metaphors and similes ; none are accurate or strong enough . I 've said I feel like a ruined city , lifeless and abandoned , but that 's not entirely true because I am thinking so hard and loving so much . My ability to cope changes from moment to moment , depending on what I 'm facing , it 's as though I have shattered into several Lauras . Shattered is a good word for it . There is the Laura who howls . She shows up every couple of days and makes noises the likes of which I didn 't know I could produce . She is composed of grief and rage . There is the Laura who is thinking , analyzing , figuring out how to fight . She is around in the hospital and whenever I have to strategize . She is really , really smart . I 'm glad she 's here . There is the Laura that believes we can beat this , that holds hope , because if I don 't hold hope then the first Laura takes over . There is the Laura that knows the statistical outcomes and timelines . She keeps whispering in my ear and is , frankly , not yet useful . There are so many Lauras right now , each one of them with their own needs and voices . I suppose this isn 't uncommon or even a bad way of coping with it . I remain functional until I am not , then I pick up again and keep moving on . I hate this . I hate that Kevin is suffering like this . I hate that the universe could dare give me such love , such happiness , such hope and then do this . I am also aware that this is a deep and powerful lesson in love , because frankly that really is all I have . And I am being so well loved by people I don 't even know . I counted it up and think there are probably in excess of 1000 people praying for Kevin . Maybe it means something for his health , maybe it doesn 't , but it does mean that people are kind . People love . We are creatures composed of hope , believing our faith makes a difference in the face of the universe . We must hope . I hope that whatever happens ( and here the hopeful Laura and the statistician square off ) he is able to make decisions that give him the best journey he can find . I hope I remain strong and functional throughout . I hope . Because I can 't not . There are microscopic moments of grace , even now and I 'm sure throughout this journey . I hope I remember to see them . If this situation won 't simply become a bad dream , then I would not be anywhere but here . With him . Walking beside him . I love him so much . I have been so lucky and , in some twisty little way , still am , because I have not forgotten , because I have had 15 years and may have more , because . I am loved and am able to love in turn . Ever have a conversation in a public place and think someone might be listening and taking notes ? That 's me , over there , pretending to look out the window . I 'm hoping your story might end up in one of mine .

Kamau stood at the edge of the shamba waiting for Nyokabi . He was so excited and he could hardly contain himself . He whistled as in his mind he formulated his life ahead . When Nyokabi came into view he stopped whistling and watched her walking towards him . He thought to himself that he had never seen a more beautiful woman in his life . Nyokabi had a round beautiful face , with bewitching black eyes , with full lips and spackling white teeth with a gap in the front teeth . She had long black hair and a beautiful figure . When Nyokabi saw him , she smiled . Her smile was as blinding as the sun as when she smiled her dimples came out and her eyes twinkled . When Nyokabi reached him she asked " well ? " " I Got an A . " said Kamau . Nyokabi squealed and jumped to hug him . Kamau held her for a moment or two then reluctantly released her . Nyokabi pulled him to her and kissed him . Kamau was surprised he had not expected this . The kiss was sweet , Nyokabi tasted like nectar and Kamau could have kissed her the whole day . Then Nyokabi stepped away from him . She said , " I always wanted to try that . I loved it . " Kamau and Nyokabi had grown up together in the same village in the rural area . Their parents had farms on adjacent properties . Nyokabi 's father also did business and had increased his wealth . This had not really changed the strong relationship between the families . It was when Nyokabi 's dad was made into an mp that things changed . Nyokabi and her sisters were removed from the local primary school and taken to private schools . Nyokabi 's dad Mr . Mbaya started letting the power get to his head . He stopped associating with the people in the village and started spending all his time in Nairobi . Mr . Mbaya then moved his family away from the village to Nairobi . The gals would only come to the village doing the holidays when they had closed school to spend time with their mother who had moved back saying that the city was too crowded and crazy for her . Mr . Mbaya started acquiring new friends in the city , influential politicians , and businessmen . He now had no time for small time farmers like Kamau 's father . They stopped visiting each other and their families slowly drifted apart . Kamau and Nyokabi remained friends though . They were the same age and had gone to primary school together . Nyokabi had been taken to a British curriculum school and so she had finished earlier then Kamau and already had her results . Nyokabi had told Kamau that if he passed very well her dad would give him a job and pay his fees at university . Kamau and Nyokabi cheerfully discussed their dreams . Kamau wanted to do architecture and design and build houses . Nyokabi wanted to be a lawyer . After around 2 hours they left the shamba chatting happily unaware that they were being watched . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Nyokabi went home a happy girl . She had wanted to kiss Kamau for ages but had never had the courage . She put her fingers to her lips as she thought about the sweet kiss , her very first . She had never felt the way she felt about anyone else . She had always had a crush on Kamau . He was a great guy but abit shy . Kamau also had a great body like one of those stars you saw in the movies . Kamau was around 6 feet tall and had broad strong shoulders from working on the farm . He was actually nicely muscular . The most arresting thing was his eyes . He had black eyes with a ring of brown in them . He was dark , very dark but he had a handsome face . the thing that people liked about Kamau the most was the fact that he had a good heart . He was always good to people . Mr . Mbaya looked at Nyokabi and said , " Nyokabi I thought you were taught better manners then that . First greet me then you can tell me what it is you want . Kamau got an A . well that 's good . He can come work in my office until he 's to start university then he will get money to pay his fees . " " Young lady do I look like a charity ? I have to look for money to pay for your degree in the UK . I don 't have money to waste on Kamau . He is not my son . If his parents had been hard working like me they would be able to afford to send him to university . " " Dad , I told you I don 't want to study abroad . I want to go to university in Kenya . I want to study here ! " cried Nyokabi . " I have already paid the fees for the first term . You will leave in two weeks with the daughter of Njenga , the MP of Nyeri . You are going to be a great lawyer when you come back . That subject is closed ! " With those words Nyokabi 's heart sunk . That night when he went to bed he started thinking about Nyokabi . He could not believe Nyokabi had kissed him . It was strange . Kamau had started having feelings for her when he became a teenager but he had never told her . One because he was shy and two because her dad had become an mp when they were in standard eight and the social divide between them had grown . Nyokabi wept as she lay in her bed . She could not believe that her dad could be so cruel and inconsiderate . She had all this plans in her head about going to university and convincing Kamau that they belonged together . During high school when the other girls had many boyfriends she had remained alone thinking only of Kamau . She was not naïve . She knew that since her father became an MP and got rich they had a lot of money . There were now class differences between her and Kamau . But that didn 't matter . What matters is how I feel about him . Nyokabi woke up late because she had been tossing and turning because she couldn 't sleep well . She woke up tired . She went downstairs to have breakfast . Looking outside the main window she saw mama Nyambura standing outside . Nyokabi frowned wondering what the old lady was doing there . Mama Nyambura was the village gossip and trouble maker . She seemed to like spreading trouble and gossiping about people . Nyokabi did not like her at all . " I guess the old witch wants to see my dad to ask him for money or something . " Oh ok . So it 's not true what mama Nyambura is telling me . That you let that boy kiss you . That you let that filthy boy touch you . " Nyokabi was left speechless for a minute . Mama Nyambura looked very satisfied . Her mischief was done and now she had gossip for the whole village . The MP 's daughter with the neighbor 's son . She wondered how much chumvi she could add to the story . " Nyokabi answer me . Tell me you did not let that boy touch you . I am going to have that boy thrown in jail . How dare he touch you ? " That seemed to inflame her father further . " Oh it was you . Is that the girl you have become ? Throwing yourself at any man . Is that what they teach you in school ? What the hell were you thinking ? I blame your mother . She is not watching over you . This boy will see who he is dealing with . " Mr . Mbaya turned to Mama Nyambura . " Please go . I will deal with this matter . I will give you some money later . Don 't tell anyone what happened . If I hear this story will know it is you who has spread the story and you will be sorry ! " Mr . Mbaya told Nyokabi . " After all I have done for you , you still think like a villager . I am very disappointed in you . You will never see that boy again . Go pack your things . I am taking you to Nairobi today . I will change the flight . You will leave for the UK today . " " I don 't want to hear anything from you . Go get packed now . Let me deal with that villager . He will know who is playing with . I am going to have him arrested right now . No one touches my daughter . No one . ' ' After saying that Mr . Mbaya stormed out . Nyokabi was left in the office crying . Oh what a mess , she thought . She knew her dad was not joking when he said he would have Kamau arrested . What can I do ? She ran outside and went to the shamba behind the house . Kariuki a childhood friend of hers worked in the shamba for them . He had never finished high school and had gone to work for the Mbaya family to feed his family . Kariuki please do me a favor , run to Kamau 's house . Kamau should be in the shamba . Tell him he needs to go away . My father has gone to get the police to arrest him because he kissed me and Mama Nyambura told dad . Here , I have 200 shillings . Tell him to go hide in Nairobi because my father will hurt him . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Kamau was singing as he raised the jembe up and down to till the land . He had a deep melodious voice , the type of voice that would make the gals swoon . He had a Barry white sort of voice and in high school he had been very popular at the music festivals . All the high school girls would run to hear him sing and imagine that he was singing to them . Kamau was happy . He felt like things were finally going right for him . He was formulating plans in his head about the things he would buy when Mr . Mbaya gave him a job . Kamau turned from where he was tilling to look up . He was at the bottom of the shamba near the river . He saw Kariuki running towards him . Kariuki was a childhood friend of his and he was wondering why Kariuki was looking for him at this time when he should also be working . Kariuki ran down to him . He looked frightened . Kamau 's first thought was that something had happened to Nyokabi . Kamau asked , ' what 's the matter ? Is there something wrong with Nyokabi ? ' Kariuki took a deep breath then said " Kamau there 's trouble . Mama Nyambura told Mr . Mbaya that she saw you kissing Nyokabi now he is mad . He is going to get the police to come and arrest you . Nyokabi says that you should go hide for a while . " By this time Kamau 's parents had come to hear what the commotion was about . When Kamau 's mum heard that Mr . Mbaya had gone for the police she started weeping . Everyone knew the police were not to be trusted and that they sold their services to the person who could pay the most money . Efficiency and effectiveness was based on how much you could part with from your pocket . Kamau 's father took charge . " Kamau go pack your clothes . You can go live with your cousin in Mathare valley in Nairobi until things cool down . Mama Kamau go and wrap some sweet potatoes for Kamau . " The family hurried to the house . Kariuki went back to tell Nyokabi that he had passed the message . Kamau did not have many clothes so he was packed in a few minutes . He hugged his mother then his father walked him to the matatu stage so that he could get a matatu to the center from where he would get a bus connection to Nairobi . Kamau 's father told him , ' my son don 't worry . We will resolve this issue . I will send a letter when it is safe to come back . Be good and don 't get into trouble . " A matatu came right then and Kamau entered to start his journey to Nairobi . Kamau looked out of the window looking at his dad whose figure got smaller and smaller . Kamau was in shock , things had happened so fast that he had not internalized anything . Kamau had no way of knowing it but it would be very many years before it would be safe to come home again . Mr . Mbaya entered the police station and asked to speak to the policeman in charge . The police station in the area was not as big as the ones with the city and so there were no senior policemen stationed there . You had to go down to the center to get the big guns . As he waited for the sergeant to come and see him Mr . Mbaya was formulating his plan . He intended to have Kamau throw in jail and given a thorough beating for what he had done . He knew he had to spin the story so that Kamau looked really guilty . ' I will make you pay for touching my daughter . ' The sergeant got a couple of policemen together and he briefed them . He them told mweshimiwa that they had no fuel for the police car . Mr . Mbaya removed 1000 from his pocket and gave it to the sergeant . Mr . Mbaya led the way in his car to where Kamau 's parents lived . The policemen went to the door and knocked . Mama Kamau opened the door . By this time Kamau 's father was walking back to the house . When he reached the house he greeted the mweshimiwa and the police like there was nothing wrong . He asked with a smile , Mr . Mbaya , what brings you here . It was been a long time since you visited our house . Mama Kamau please make for mweshimiwa and his escorts some tea , Baba Kamau looked shocked and then he said , " Mr . Mbaya are you sure . My son would never hurt your daughter . They are childhood friends and he would never ever hurt a woman . " Mr . Mbaya by this time was spitting mad that he had not caught Kamau . He had wanted to be the first to take out his whip and beat the boy until he learnt about respect . He was not here to be told about Kamau 's good qualities . He said , " Your son assaulted my daughter . He was about to rape her when one of my workers came in and saved her . Since your son is not here we are going with you to the police station . When your son comes he will come find us at the police station . I am not stupid . You are hiding that boy . You are hiding that rapist . " Back at Mr . Mbaya 's house Nyokabi was so scared she could not think . She decided to go talk to her mother hoping that she would talk sense into her dad . Her mother was in the kitchen boiling some maize . She told her mum the whole story as it had happened and told her mum to talk to her dad . " It wasn 't Kamau 's fault . It was mine . I am the one who put him into problems . Mum please talk to dad , please . " Nyokabi 's mum promised to talk to her dad . Then she said , " We don 't want your dad to be angrier when he comes . Pack your things so that when he comes you can go to Nairobi . In the light of what has happened I think its best you go away for a while . " Seeing that Nyokabi was upset she said , ' Nyokabi you are no longer a child and you have to stop acting like you are . This situation will not be easy to resolve and you refusing to go will make things worse . Or is there something else that you 're not telling me . " She said this looking at Nyokabi 's belly . Kamau reached the city quite late . The roads were bad and it had taken a couple of hours to reach Nairobi . Because he didn 't know how to get to Mathare valley at night he had only gone there during the day he slept at the bus station . It seemed there were a lot of other stranded people who had to sleep there . At that time there were no mobile phones so he could not call his cousin and his cousin lived in a slum with no telephone in his house . He was very careful with his money because he had heard people in Nairobi were bad . They could steal your shoes even as you watched . In the morning Kamau woke up to the sound of bus conductors calling for customers to different destinations . Kamau stretched trying to make sense of where he was . He saw a man selling some mandazi 's and went to get some . He was very hungry . When he came back to where he had been sitting he found his bag was gone ! When he had gone to get some food someone had stolen his bag . Mr . Mbaya went back to the house in the evening a very disappointed man . The police had looked for Kamau around the village but had not found him . Kamau 's father was still in police custody being used as bait to get Kamau out of hiding . When he got to the house he went looking for Nyokabi 's mother . " Mama Nyokabi , " he said , where is your daughter ? We are leaving for Nairobi today . I hope she told you what she was doing with Kamau . This is all your fault ! You should have taken care more about your daughter . Tell her to come downstairs now ! " with that statement Mr . Mbaya stormed off to the bedroom . Kamau was so shocked to find that his bag with his clothes was gone . He was so stunned that for about ten minutes he stood staring at the spot where he had spent the night . He was wondering what he would do now that his clothes and the map to his cousin 's house in Mathare valley were gone . At least he had put his money in his shirt pocket so that it could not disappear . He sat down on the hard bench to think , his appetite had disappeared , and he could not even think about eating the mandazis in his hand which now seemed unpalatable . He calculated in his head what he needed for the journey to mathare valley . He had used most of the money for the trip but he had around 60 shillings left . " I hope its enough to get me where am going ? The first thing is to get to Mathare valley to my cousin 's house . " Kamau walked towards the direction he had been shown . He was looking at the buildings and the seemingly busy people who seemed like ants running around , everyone seemed to be in a hurry . In his mind he thought that it was a shame that he had come to the city under such bad circumstances . He had always liked coming to the city when his school used to come for music and drama festivals and also when he came to visit his cousins . In an hour 's time after making many twists and turns in Mathare slums he found his cousin 's house . On knocking there was no reply . A neighbor came and said that his cousin Njoroge had left for the day to go to work in the construction site where he worked . He would have to wait for evening . The neighbor went back into his house not even bothered to invite Kamau in to wait for him . Nyokabi had landed at the airport in the UK . She was jet lagged , fatigued but the worst thing she was broken hearted . She could not believe things had turned out this way . Her father had taken the family back to Nairobi and changed her flight to leave the next day . She was to stay with her relatives in north London before she started school in 6 weeks . She had already done the interview for the British High Commission but she had been hoping that she could change her dad 's mind about studying abroad . As she left the airport with her relatives she looked out at the surroundings . It was snowing and there was mist everywhere . She could not believe her father had banished her to this cold , strange place . She was trying to keep her emotions under wrap . Her relatives were excited to see her . They assumed that she was excited to be there . After all every Kenyan fantasized about the chance to go abroad and study or visit . Nyokabi had cried during the flight . She had gone to the bathroom numerous times to cry . She had wished for her bed so that she could cry to her heart 's content but here she was stuck in a plane full of strangers so she could not give in to her misery in the open . She already missed Kamau and wondered what he was doing and how he was coping in Nairobi . Kamau was wearing his cousin 's clothes . Since he had been robbed he had only the clothes he had been wearing . His cousin had come home in the evening and Kamau had told him what had transpired . Njoroge had felt pity for Kamau . " You can stay here for as long as you like . That mp of ours has grown too big for his boots forgetting where he came from and that just the other day he was just like us . " Kamau had not eaten the whole day so he prepared for them a meal . Kamau agreed with the idea . The next day Njoroge went to the construction site to talk his supervisor about getting Kamau a job . Njoroge 's boss got him a job carrying stones with a wheelbarrow to the construction site . Kamau had started work and found the work hard . The stones were very heavy and pushing them in the wheelbarrow was not an easy task . Kamau welcomed the work though because it kept him busy from thinking too much about what was going on at home . ' I wonder how Nyokabi is doing ? I hope Mr . Mbaya did not lock her up . And my parents I hope them are ok . Mr . Mbaya is capable of doing anything . But I will go home soon and then I will find out what happened . ' XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Nyokabi sat at the head table as she looked at the people in the room , her guests as it were to her graduation party . She had graduated from the University of London with a degree in law . After what had happened to her and Kamau she had felt helpless . She had wanted to help people be able to fight for her rights . She wondered what had happened to Kamau . She had no one to give her the information . She had never come for holiday visits to Kenya , her father preferring to keep her away . Her parents and siblings had moved to Nairobi after the incident because of what had happened to Kamau . It is only after the village elders and Nyokabi 's mother 's intervention that kame 's dad was released . But during that time bad blood had developed between the villagers and the Mbaya 's family . Mr . Mbaya had been forced to take his family to Nairobi . " So much for the dream that Kamau and I will find each other and live happily ever after . I know that after what my father did , Kamau will never want to talk to me again . I wish I could see him and tell him how sorry I am . I wish I had never kissed him not for my sake but for his . Maybe things would have turned out different . ' Nyokabi thought to herself . Kamau sat in his office at Nyaga Construction Company . He was trying to finish doing the payroll for the construction workers . Kamau was the cashier for the construction company that had hired him four years ago . He had worked in construction rising up the ranks from carrying stones to being a fundi . Kamau had seen this as his opportunity to get a better job . He had been tired of being a fundi . It was not something that required him to think . It was a routine job that was very repetitive and boring . He also needed money for university . His letter had come for the university and his parents had sent it to him . He knew he could not apply for HELB because it would mean that Mr . Mbaya could track him down . He needed money to pay for his exams . So he went to talk to the boss . The boss was surprised . " If you got an A in accounts , what are you doing working as a laborer . Bring your papers and I will think about giving you a job on probation " Kamau had given up the idea of doing architecture . It was a full time course with no classes in the evening . Kamau was heartbroken to give up his dream but he knew that in life sometimes you have to take the lemons and make lemonade . A year ago he had started his degree in the parallel programme . He was studying accounts and business . He was enjoying the course and the things he was learning . As he sat in his chair he thought about his life . It had not turned out the way he expected or dreamed . He thought about Nyokabi a lot . He wondered what had happened to her . He knew that she had been forced to go to the UK . But since the parents had moved to Nairobi no one seemed to know what had happened to her . Kamau played in a band called " the kikuyu calabashes . " He was actually the lead singer although he had come into the group as the last member . The group was composed of four guys and a girl . It had all come about a year ago . Sometimes Kamau 's classmates from university parallel program would invite him out for a drink . It was at one of these nightclubs that he met Angela . He had no idea how that encounter would change his life . Angela was the female singer and dancer for the band . She had moves like Shakira and had a full African figure . Big breasts and big hips . She was not what you would call beautiful . More like very pretty . But when she was up with the band she was sensational . No man could take his eyes off her . It 's like she spun a spell with her sexy voice and sensual seductive moves . Angela was a woman of the world , loved the sincere flattery that she heard from Kamau but she was not interested in his opinion . He looked like a simple guy . From his dressing you could tell that he didn 't make much and he had that cheap look that said he was probably a student . He was handsome , she thought and he had a deep voice that for a weaker woman would have made her tremble . But she was not a weaker woman . She dismissed him as a bother . Angela looked out for number one . Herself . She was not interested in admirer 's who could do nothing for her . She had rent to pay and other things that needed money . But somehow that comment about the guitar player not doing her voice justice stuck in her mind . The next night she invited her boyfriend over to hear her play . He was a record producer who had been telling her for ages that he would get her a demo tape . That had never materialized . Angela didn 't let it bother her . She knew he was using her and she was using him . Angela made sure that at any event she attended with her boyfriend she would attach herself to an important musician . Sometimes she would find herself going back to the musician 's house for a little fun . She didn 't mind . That 's how things were done . Some might have called her a groupie but she didn 't go by that . You would never find her following those musicians around begging for scraps of time or a photo opportunity . Angela was smart . She was not one of those women as she would tell herself . I am going to make it and make it big . Everyone will remember my name . Now this was interesting . Her boyfriend had never told her the guitar was off . Clearly he did not have her best interests at heart . Clearly it was time to let him go . He couldn 't help her anyway and she had heard that his studio was having money problems . " I don 't hang out with losers . Its time for you to hit the road , " she thought . She thought about her problems . She tried to tell the guitar player to work on his skills but it seemed he thought he knew better . After all what did she know about guitar ? Two weeks later Kamau was back with his friends . Even though he had never quite gotten over Nyokabi , Angela was on his mind . He was infatuated with her . He had not really had time to socialize much in the city . With his busy job and university he was so swamped and tired at the end of the day all he wanted was his bed . Kamau was no fool however . He understood signals and he had gotten the signs that Angela was just not interested . But it didn 't stop him from thinking about her . Her music drew him to her . She was like a flame that moths gravitated towards not knowing that their death might be imminent . " Sweetie , " she said , how are you . I haven 't seen you for a while . I thought you liked my singing . I was sad when you didn 't come back ! " as she sat at an empty seat that one of Kamau 's friends had just vacated to create room for her Kamau could not believe that she had remembered him . He was mesmerized by her lips that had some shiny red lipstick that seemed to glitter . As if to heighten the effect she took a cigarette out of her stocking . ' Sweetie , please light this cigarette for me , " Angela said . Kamau looked around to his friends to see who had a lighter . One of his friends who smoked gave Kamau his lighter . Kamau leaned in to light Angela 's cigarette which was now on her lips . He could smell her perfume , something light and fresh . It smelt heavenly . Angela took a puff and then said , ' honey I have been thinking about what you said about the guitar player . I think that it may be true that he is not so good . Would you happen to know how to play ? I would like to see if there is a difference . Would you play with me one set ? Please baby ! " and with that she leaned forward and showed Kamau a glimpse of her cleavage . Poor Kamau . He wasn 't thinking properly . Actually at that moment if she had told him to go to the moon he would probably have found a way there . Kamau agreed . Angela went to the guitar player whose name was Michael and told him to go get a drink . She had gotten a friend of hers to do the next set . Michael went off , glad for a chance to get some beer and some rest . That gal is so pretty but she is such a bitch , he thought as he went to the bar to get himself a drink or two . Kamau took the guitar and tuned it . It felt right in his hands . He did not have a guitar to play with at home . He had left his guitar when he had fled the village . But sometimes in the youth service he attended he was called to play and sing whenever there was a special guest coming in . The music was flowing . Kamau had a gift for musical instruments . He could play and had played most instruments including the Isikuti while in high school . The only thing he had not learnt to play was the piano because his school could not afford one let alone hire a teacher to teach it . At some point Angela asked Kamau whether he could sing and when he said yes , Angela asked him to join her in a song . The chemistry was amazing . The music sounded good to the ears . It was like collaboration between Barry White and Mariah Carey . At the end of the performance the audience clapped and cheered asking them to play another number together . They seemed to have real appreciation for the duet . When Angela saw how people were appreciating the music more and seemed to be focused on her , she realized something . She had to get Kamau into the band and under her thumb . He was going to be her ticket to fame . Nyokabi sat on her bed and wept . The party for her graduation and homecoming had taken place hours ago . The party had wound up at around 2 o ' clock with people going off to various spots to enjoy themselves . But Nyokabi had not felt like celebrating . Her degree seemed to her an empty trophy . She could swing it around yes and show everyone but somehow to her it meant nothing . The past four years that she had spent in UK doing her degree and pupilage had seemed to have dragged on . She had hated the winter . The place was so bloody cold . She wondered how anyone would survive and thrive in such an environment . She had wanted the sun , its warmth on her face as she woke up and went through her day . The weather had just made more depressing a situation she had not wanted to be . She had not wanted to go to the UK . She planned to hate it with all her heart and grudgingly do her degree . Eventually though she found that the city had cast a spell on her and she started to love it . There was nothing to go home to . No one knew where Kamau was and she hated her father with all her heart for what he had done . Nyokabi chatted with her mum every week . On Saturday night she would call her and they would catch up . She had tried to tell her mum about email but her mother just didn 't seem to get the concept so they were forced to write each other letters . She would get so excited to get letters from her mum and sisters . Her dad wrote too but she didn 't care about that . Nyokabi largely ignored him unless she was asking for money for allowance and expenses . Nyokabi had a social one through a screwed one . She had made friends with a couple of girls and they had become close . But men , she stayed away from them . The experience with Kamau had scarred her . It was partly because she was in love with him and was sorry for ruining his life and also the guilty at what her dad had done ate at her . She did not want to be distracted from her studies by men who were just passing time with her . But as the years past Nyokabi gave up on the illusion of love and of finding Kamau . " He probably has a girlfriend or two . He is so handsome and his voice … . . " she would think . By second year she had mellowed at least a bit . Nyokabi started going out with the girls out on the town to have a great time . She did not drink much though . She was scared of what might happen if she set herself loose . Nyokabi had seen what happened to some girls when they got drunk . They would strip their clothes or start singing at the top of their voices . Sometimes they would let a man take them home . " That life is not for me . I want to get my degree and go home . I don 't want attachments or one night stands . " Nyokabi had not let go of her old fashioned values . She did sometimes though wish she had a boyfriend who loved her and cherished her like some of her friends had . Nyokabi put all her energy into school . She always ended up in the dean 's list . She was an outstanding student but a D average in social skills . Some campus guys were fascinated by her . She was very beautiful even by standards outside of Kenya . They kept trying to woo her and were not rebuffed when she said no . they tried again and again . Eventually they got the message that " Nyokabi was not available " So here was Nyokabi back in Nairobi . She had her degree in law but she had no love . The worst thing was Nyokabi felt lost . She felt like she was caught in a time warp . Things had changed and no one had time for her . Her sisters were close probably because they had not been banished abroad although they went to expensive schools in the city and one was in 1st year at university . Nyokabi had tried asking her mum about Kamau . Mrs . Mbaya had looked at her daughter with a sad look in her eyes and said , " Kamau 's mum no longer speaks to me and no one from the village has told me anything . They all despise us for what your father did . But I heard I don 't know if it is true that Kamau is working as a clerk somewhere in the city . ' Nyokabi 's heart had sunk at that news . Kamau with all his potential was a clerk . She thought Kamau must hate her and curse her every day for that kiss . She had no doubt at all that Kamau was in that situation because of her and her dad . " I am going back to UK . There is nothing for me here . At least there I have friends and I have a purpose . I don 't want to stay here , " she thought as she buried her face in her pillow and tried to get some sleep . Mr . Mbaya relaxed in the tent outside his house . He took a sip of his expensive whiskey as his friends chatted all around him . " This was all worth it . My daughter is a graduate of a prestigious university with a law degree . " Mr . Mbaya frowned as he thought of how that imbecile boy had almost ruined his daughter 's future . Mr . Mbaya had no apologies what so ever for what he had done . He felt he had been justified in what he had done . Given a chance he would have done it all over again . As he looked as his beautiful expensive house in Karen with a view of the Ngong hills he thought , " Look how far I have come . With my brains and sweat I have gotten myself here . Who would imagine a simple poor village boy would get this far . " Mr . Mbaya had been born Jon Mbaya Mburu . He had been the last born of a family of six children . His father had been a teacher and his mother a stay home mother and farmer . When he was two his father abandoned them and went to the city to look for better fortunes . He had never returned . His mother had been forced to raise him and his siblings out of her earnings from the farm . Before his father left Mbaya and the family had not exactly been staving but they had gotten by . When his dad left there was no money . Eventually to make money maze 's mum started brewing traditional changaa . There were always men , drunk men around their house . Sometimes one of them would become a temporary occupant of his mother 's bed . Mbaya grew up hating his circumstances . " I will get out of here . I promise . One day I will get out of here and I will never look back . I will not be poor like this forever . I will make it no matter what it takes . " Mbaya would go to school in the mornings . Well , when there was no work in the shamba or helping his mum get the ingredients for the changaa . Making changaa wasn 't easy . The police were always coming around for a bribe or sometimes for a drink . Sometimes especially when there was a new boss at the station there would be harsh measures . The police would come and carry away the drums of changaa and his mother to boot . She would end up spending a couple of days in the cell while she negotiated her release . During those times the family would go hungry . Everyone around them was also poor . They did not have money to feed 8 empty mouths , the two extra being children Mbaya 's mum had gotten with different men who had stayed over for a couple of months before moving on . By the time Mbaya was ten all of his siblings had left . His two sisters had gotten pregnant and married the losers who had gotten them that way . Their lives were pretty much what their mother 's had been . Suffering and more suffering . Mbaya 's brothers had all gone to the city to look for money and their father . They promised to return and save the family . None did . It 's like they left the filthy hut with the fermented smell and the black cockroaches and say au revoir . So by the age of ten Mbaya was the defunct head of the family . Mbaya was clever . He found ways to hide mtungi 's of changaa far away from the house where the cops even if they came would never find them . He also found a way to distribute the changaa so as to make maximum profits . He would borrow a bicycle sometimes and cycle with some of the changaa and distribute it . Soon people started sending him to other areas to buy and sell for them things . He would charge them a commission . By the time Mbaya was seventeen he had bought two bicycles of his own . He used them for transporting goods throughout the region and he had expanded his area of operation . He had even made friends with the police . Paying the police a monthly bribe to stay away from the operations . He even distributed changaa at the police station . The changaa he made was very good , he had taken over from his mum who had succumbed to the lure of alcohol and started consuming her own brew . After that he moved his base of operations to river road . He had stopped dealing in changaa when his mum died when he was 18 . But he had learnt lessons from doing that business that he brought to the city . Including how to put the police into his pocket . Mbaya had met his wife in the city and they got married . He had never told her where he had come from , telling her that he was an orphan who had siblings but they did not talk . He had bought land where his wife 's family came from and that 's where they had settled . Now as Mr . Mbaya looked at his house and laughed with his wealthy friends he was content . " Look at me now . I have made it . And I have plans for Nyokabi . She doesn 't know it but she is going to make me an extremely wealthy and influential man . " XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Kamau looked up at the sign as he got out of the cab which had brought him from the hotel . He smiled . He had come from very far to get here . He was the Ebony in the band . It had taken him five years to get to this moment . This gig in London . Five years ago he had started playing with the kikuyu calabashes as a guitarist . He had composed a couple of songs for them to play and then he became the lead singer as well . His voice had attracted many fans . Because of his fame he got a recording contract as a solo artist . He started going by the name Ebony . Eventually the band started working for him as his backup band . The band changed to Ebony and the Kikuyu calabashes . He hadn 't neglected his studies though . He had finished his degree in accounting and graduated with highest honours . This had helped him in knowledge of how to manage his money and invest his money . He had made a lot of investments which had made him wealthy . In the last five years he had gotten many recording contracts . His voice had made him famous and rich too . He had sung in front of many crowds and VIPS . As his fame grew he got more gigs playing outside the country . In the last three years he had been playing all over Africa , in the states and in Europe . Kamau was in London to play at the Playful Kittens nightclub . But that wasn 't his main gig . He had been hired 3 months before to play at the engagement party of some big shot Kenyan lawyer working in the UK . Kamau entered the club and went to check on the sound equipment . He always had made sure that the equipment was working . The band was already there doing a sound check . Angela was there as well looking sexy as usual . " Ah Angela , " thought Kamau , " my sweet Angela . The poisoned apple " Angela had introduced him to the band . She had seduced him to get him to join but just fell short of sleeping with him . Later when he had become famous and his fame overshadowed hers she realized how the winds were blowing and she tried to jump on the ship that was sailing faster than hers . She had tried to seduce him to her bed but by this time Kamau was wise to her . He realized when working with her that she was a woman who liked to use men . Kamau did not intend to be a victim . One woman had already cost him a lot . He didn 't intend for another to mess him up again . His new motto was , " keep your money close , and your heart closer . " Kamau never got rid of Angela . Part of it was gratitude for getting him into the band as an unknown . Part of it was because Angela had a great voice and an even better body . She knew how to dance and move and keep the audience captivated . It would be a foolish thing to get rid of her though sometimes Kamau wondered at the wisdom of keeping her as well . Kamau dated when he had time . He had never forgotten Nyokabi but he realized he had to move on . Unfortunately no one touched his heart enough for him to settle . Nyokabi looked out of her penthouse apartment in the middle of London . It was snowing outside . Inside the gas heater was turned up and it kept the room warm . Her heart was cold though . It felt like ice . Nyokabi 's fiancé David Mureithi was due to pick her up for dinner . She didn 't feel like eating . Actually she didn 't feel like seeing David at all but she had to and that was that . " What was I thinking , getting engaged to David ? I don 't love him ! He is a really nice guy . I have known him for ages and his ideal husband material . Why can 't I love him ? What 's wrong with me ? " Nyokabi 's father had introduced her to David at a party when she had come back to Kenya during one of her undergraduate years . He was the son of a Minister . David worked as a lawyer for a big financial firm in UK . He was in Kenya on holiday . Nyokabi and David hit it off and became friends . David was interested in Nyokabi . He tried to ask her out but she kept refusing when they were back in London . When they came down for a wedding to Kenya for a mutual acquaintance he tried again to ask her out . Mr . Mbaya noticed his interest and asked him to join him for a golf game . After playing golf Mr . Mbaya and David went for drinks . David said ' well sir , I like your daughter and I would really like to know her better . But she rejects any attempts I make . I have asked around but she 's not dating anybody . I don 't understand it . She says she likes me but she 's not interested in dating " Mr . Mbaya took a sip of his beer . He thought of how he would approach this . He saw David as his ticket to bigger things . If Nyokabi married David he would have access to the big time and those stupid villagers who were trying to sabotage his plans would be like insects to him . Mr . Mbaya did what he does best . He lied . " I told Nyokabi to concentrate on her studies and not be distracted by relationships . I think she took my advice too seriously . " He laughed . Mr . Mbaya continued " I think she likes you a lot . But of course her studies come first . If you are serious about her . You will wait . She is almost through with her degree and she wants to do her masters in International Law . After that she will be free . I have no objection with you dating her . Let her finish her studies . " What he didn 't add was it would give him more time to work on Nyokabi to get her to go out with David . David had kept his word . He didn 't disturb Nyokabi any more about dating her . He went out with other women in the meantime . He was a man after all and he had needs . He was not an angel to wait for a woman who would not be available for three years . In the meantime Mr . Mbaya was working his magic on Nyokabi . Trying to convince her to give David a chance . When she finished her masters in law she came back to Kenya . Mr . Mbaya said , " I know what you were thinking . But no , I did not pay all of that money for you to do your degree and masters for you to waste it in Kenya ! International exposure will help you in your future . I am only trying to help you . " " Another thing , David works in the firm where you 're going to be working . Look him up ! I know you 're not going out with anybody and he is a good man , " Mr . Mbaya said . Mr . Mbaya said , " No am not trying to set you up but David is a good man . He acted very interested in you a couple of years ago . You 're not getting any younger Mr . Mbaya said . Mr . Mbaya said , " No am not trying to set you up but David is a good man . He acted very interested in you a couple of years ago . Your not getting any younger you know . Now that you 're done with your masters you should settle down at a job and get married . I want grandkids . You should give David a chance . " I don 't love David . But then again I don 't love anybody else right now . Let me just get over with this , " Nyokabi thought . Nyokabi engagement party was the next day . They had waited four months to throw their engagement party because of their work schedules and the availability of all the members of their families . David had gotten a famous band from Kenya to play . Nyokabi didn 't know them . She didn 't much listen to Kenyan music . Nyokabi decided to get ready . It wouldn 't do to be late . She and David were having dinner with the Lead partner at their firm and his wife . David was a senior partner but she wasn 't . David and some of his friends had decided to go into business for themselves and formed a new firm two years ago . Nyokabi had naturally moved to the new firm . Actually she hadn 't wanted to move but her father told her to launch herself on David 's star which would be shinning for a very long time . Kamau and the band went to set up . The address for the engagement party they were playing at was very posh . There were beautiful mansions , with huge lawns , flowering trees , and green fences fortified with electric fences . They made houses in Lavington , Runda , or Kitisuru look like they were middle class houses . The engagement party was at 7 pm . It was 2pm . Events in people 's house 's usually involved a lot of issues so it was important to get there early , set up , do sound checks etc . Kamau looked at the houses . He wondered what kind of people lived there . He didn 't envy them . He had seen what money did to people and he always wondered what people did to get big mansions and expensive apartments . He had money , yes , actually now with careful investments he was rich but he didn 't let it get to his head . By 6 ' clock they had finished all their preparations . The maid had called them to a separate room where they were served with food and drinks so that they could play throughout the session . They were to play from 7 to 10 pm . By 6 : 30pm they were back in the ballroom . They started performing some melodies to get in tune . Ebony and the Calabashes played a mixture of kikuyu , Kiswahili and English songs but they mostly did kikuyu music . At 7 pm the function started . Most of the guests hadn 't arrived by 8 pm . It was a Kenyan habit to be late to functions . The Host , a David mureithi , had already come and told Kamau to play the song " Nyokabi " when he went to the door . " My fiancée is called Nyokabi and she is very beautiful . I want it to be a surprise for her . When I walk in with her please play the song , " said David . Nyokabi was running late . Her family was staying at her house and they had delayed her . Having four women in the same house going for the same event was a disaster . They were running late by an hour . Nyokabi could have done without attending the event at all but you can 't miss your own engagement party . Eventually they arrived at David 's mansion . It has been a present given to him by his father who was a very wealthy Kenyan minister . He had told his son David that since he didn 't plan to go back to Kenya then he could keep the house permanently . Nyokabi called David to tell them her and her family had arrived . David and his family came to the door to receive them . When Nyokabi walked in the door she heard a song playing in Kikuyu . It was something about a beautiful girl called Nyokabi . The voice singing the song was so rich and deep . She looked immediately to the stage at the front and gasped . Kamau was playing the song Nyokabi when the most lovely angel walked in on David 's arm . She was dressed in a red satin dress that clung to her curves . He thought " damn that woman is hot . David was right . His fiancée is very beautiful " Kamau got stunned for a few seconds and lost his voice . Luckily the band was covering him so it didn 't become apparent . Kamau felt like his eyes were deceiving him . It couldn 't be yet it was . It was Nyokabi . A very beautiful , grown up Nyokabi . And she was engaged to David . Nyokabi froze . She thought she was in a dream or something . It was Kamau , standing there playing the guitar , singing a song about her . David didn 't seem to notice her fascination with the tall , handsome man on the stage . He thought she was talking time to appreciate the song about her . " I thought it would be a surprise . I can tell from your face that you 're surprised . A song about a woman called Nyokabi . It 's like he wrote the song about you , " David said and chuckled . David continued , " It 's a very popular song in Kenya . The singer Ebony wrote it a couple of years ago . Maybe later I 'll introduce you and you can get a signed autograph . Beautiful song . I love it . Every time I hear it I think of you ! " Nyokabi was speechless . She didn 't know what to say . Anyway what could she say ? ' David that 's the boy I fell in love with many years ago . The boy I shared my first kiss with . The boy whose family my father destroyed . The boy who has now become a man . " Kamau could not believe it . He continued playing . His mind was in turmoil . He was thinking about Nyokabi being in London at the event he was playing at and being the bride to be . At ten when the guests were leaving David brought Nyokabi to say hallo . " My dear fiancée was impressed by your song . I think she wants an autograph . Let me leave her here to find out how you wrote a song about a girl just like her . Your band was amazing . Well worth the money I paid . " Nyokabi said with a shaky voice , " for everything my father did to your family . For everything that happened to you . I am so sorry . Please forgive me " Kamau smiled and said " you have nothing to be forgiven . It 's your father who did all those things . Anyway I let it go . It would have made me a very bitter man . Anyway I have left your father to God 's judgment . He will get his just reward . " Nyokabi winced then said " it 's not like that . " Then she said , " Actually it is like that . But what was I supposed to do . I know my dad is not a good man but he does love me . He thinks David will make a great husband . " Kamau laughed and asked , " Nyokabi your still very naïve even if you 're a lawyer . Is marrying David going to be what 's best for you or best for your father ? Your father is not a good man . He has known criminal connections in Kenya . Wake up and smell the coffee . " Kamau picked his guitar , put his hand in his pocket , and brought out a card . " Here 's my card . If you ever decide to out from under your father 's thumb call me . But know I will not wait forever . Now that I have met you again I don 't want to lose you but you have to make a decision about what you want . " Nyokabi sat on her bed with her suitcases . The last two weeks she had been contemplating what to do . To stay with David or to go look for Kamau . She was torn between the loyalty she felt to her father , her family and her heart , which told her that Kamau was the man for her . One look at him and all the feelings she had felt as a young girl had come rushing back . Nyokabi was supposed to be flying to Kenya in the morning . Her wedding was in two months . The firm had given her three months off for her wedding preparations and honeymoon . Nyokabi had spent the last two weeks walking around like a zombie and thinking about what she should do . She couldn 't believe what Kamau had said about her father . She decided to call a friend of hers who was practicing law in Kenya to ask . Nyokabi confided in no one these things . She didn 't even confront her father . So much made sense to her now . Why her father wanted her to study law . Why he had pushed her to go out with David . " I am just a pawn to my father . A pawn to be protected and then sacrificed when needed . I can 't believe this . I think mum tried to tell me not to trust dad but I refused to listen . I was so blind . " Nyokabi stared at her mobile phone debating on who to call . Her father or Kamau . Finally she picked up a card and called the number of Kamau . They talked for a few minutes . She wrote a letter , put her engagement ring in it , sealed it and but it on her coffee table . Then she picked up her suitcases , paused at the door and walked out of the house she never intended to ever return to . Nyokabi lay on her back on a beach chair in a red bikini . She was enjoying the warmth of the sun . Her body glistened with the sunscreen and baby oil she had applied to it . Suddenly she felt warm hands on her back and a voice saying " hey beautiful lady . Want me to apply some sunscreen on your back . You missed a spot . Am ready and willing to be your slave each and every day to oil that beautiful body . " Nyokabi laughed and turned . She gave Kamau a beautiful smile and pulled his face down to hers for a passionate kiss . Her wedding ring sparkled in the sun . I love to read and write . I also love to inspire people to be better but also to better their country . I love food so I use alot of food analogues . I hope this blog entertains you but most of all that it makes you think .

Over the next week everyone settled into a routine . Wesley still kept his apartment , but he was over at the hotel daily to tutor Connor and help with cases . Angel was no longer looking for Cordelia , but he was still depressed about her being gone . Gunn and Fred both seemed fairly content to work on cases , tutor Connor , and help Connor make amends for the lying he did while Angel was missing . Connor was actually enjoying the tutoring sessions , and was very pleased to overhear Wesley talking to Angel one day . Wesley had said , ' Connor is really quite smart . He is learning at an exceptional rate . ' Connor had mostly decided to stay put , and very rarely had the stray ' I have to get out of here ' thought . Angel and Connor had exchanged quite a few stories from their respective pasts , and they both felt a little closer to each other . Connor hadn 't been nice the whole week , but he hadn 't done anything to get spanked either . Angel was a little depressed that Connor had only called him Dad in a nice way the one time . Connor still said it in a sarcastic tone once or twice a day when Angel made him do something he didn 't want to do . For the most part Angel let this go , and tried not to let Connor know how much it hurt him , because Connor usually called him Angel in a nice way now , and hadn 't called him a monster or any other derogatory name . The thing that really kept Connor happy and relaxed enough to stay was going on cases with everyone . He was a very good hunter , tracker , and killer , and Angel could tell Connor really enjoyed it . Connor loved the way the vampires dusted under his hand , and he enjoyed killing other messy things even more . Angel thought this was a little unnerving . Connor showed no hesitation or remorse over killing things . It reminded Angel too much of Angelus and Darla for his comfort , but he also realized a person living in Quor - Toth would have to learn to kill quickly , and without remorse or they would not survive . He didn 't know if that part of Connor would ever change , but he didn 't think it would . He consoled himself with the fact that Connor had not harmed a human since coming to this dimension . Angel didn 't count the time Connor cut off Sunny 's pusher 's ear , because that guy had deserved it , and apparently Connor hadn 't even considered hurting anyone else since . In fact Angel had seen Connor go out of his way to help more than one human when they were out on a case . Wesley brought Connor 's papers over on a Tuesday morning . He had a birth certificate , a Social Security card , immunization records , and even home schooling test scores and grades . Angel was very pleas " What are they ? " " Wesley just brought them over today . This is fake paperwork that should pass scrutiny . This paperwork is necessary for you to be a member of society in this day and age . I 'll keep it in the office for now , but eventually you 'll need to keep this paperwork in a safe place were you can find it when you need it . You 'll need it to get a job , or to get into college . You 'll need it to get a driver 's license , or a weapon 's license . You 'll need it if you ever get married or have kids . You 'll need it if you ever get into legal trouble or get hospitalized . " Connor nodded . They spent the next couple of hours going over each piece of paper and how he would have come to have them normally if he had never gone to Quor - Toth . The only thing he wasn 't very happy with , was the new birth certificate . It listed an Angel Johnson as his father , and a Darla Johnson as his mother . He said , " So I 'm Connor Steven Johnson ? " Angel said , " I know it 's not a great last name , but it 's the best we could do . Birth certificates are hard to just recreate , and you have to start with a real one . I had to change some of my records to reflect this last name too , and I thought you would like to keep Steven as a part of your name . " Angel said , " I think you probably are about eighteen , and I 'm sure you 're not going to like this , but I wanted to make sure you stayed here for a year , and that I could legally make you if I had to . " Connor had been in this dimension long enough to understand the significance of being a legal adult , and he felt hurt that Angel didn 't trust him to stay there . He said with a sneer , " That 's pretty crappy of you Dad . " Angel said , " Well you 've only been here a couple of weeks , and you 've only decided to stay here during this past week . Now that I 've gotten papers for you I don 't want that to backfire on me . It 's not so bad to be younger . This way if you get into any trouble with the law in this next year , I 'll be able to help you out a lot more than I could if you were eighteen . And this way by the end of the year we hope you can take your high school equivalency test at the same legal age that most people would have graduated . That might help if you want to do any kind of college . " The rest of the day went pretty smoothly until Connor and Angel were spending time together . They usually did some kind of physical activity , and then shared a story or two . They had just finished practicing with daggers , and were sitting down to relax . Connor had thought about asking for a while , and he said , " Will you tell me about when you and Darla killed Father 's family ? " Angel was surprised but he knew this would have to come up eventually . He just hoped he wouldn 't be looking for Connor every day again when he was done . He said , " First you tell me what Holtz told you about it , and then I 'll give you my version . " Connor said , " He told me that he had been trying to kill you both for a few months , and that he had been gone all day and part of the night searching . When he went home he found his wife , his ten - year - old daughter , and his newborn son dead . He told me the story more than once , but it was hard for him to get it all out , and often cried especially when talking about his son . He told me that was why God had wanted us to be together . I was to make up for the son he lost , and also to help him get revenge on you for what you had done . " Angel was very unhappy with this version of the story . Holtz had not been honest , and the truth was much worse . He didn 't want to tell Connor , and he thought about lying . He figured Connor would never know the difference , but Angel himself would and it would eat at him . He said , " Connor , you are not going to like this story , so I want you to promise me something before I start . " Connor nodded . " You know I was Angelus , and I was with Darla , your mother . Holtz had been hunting us for months . We hated him and there had been a couple of close calls where he almost got us . We wanted to really hurt him . We wanted to brake him to the point that he didn 't have the will to keep chasing us . Angelus decided the best way to do this was through his family . So we kept a close eye on him , and we knew when he would be away for most of the night . We looked through the windows until the wife was busy with the baby , so that the girl would answer the door . It is always easier to trick a child into inviting you in than an adult . The girl invited us in before her mother could stop her . I quickly drank and killed the mother so that she would be out of the way while Darla held the screaming girl . We had plans for the girl , so I tied her to a chair while Darla held the baby . You have to understand that to a vampire the younger the human is , the better they taste . Babies taste very good . Their blood going down your throat is almost orgasmic . So Darla and I took our time taking small sips and bites off the boy in front of the girl . Baby 's always taste better when they are still awake and screaming . The noise adds to the pleasure . It was a healthy baby . He lasted for about fifteen minutes before he was unconscious , and probably took another five minutes to die . He was probably unrecognizable by the time we were done . " Angel had been looking down while telling the story unable to meet his son 's eyes . When he did look up Connor was very pale and said , " I 'm gonna be sick . " As he ran over to the sink and puked . Angel thought it would be best to get the rest of the story out , so while Connor was standing over the sink rinsing his mouth out Angel continued with , " By the time we were done with the boy , I think the girl was in shock . She had stopped screaming , and her eyes were unfocused and glazed over . I didn 't like this . Angelus needed his victims to be well aware of what was going on , or there was no fun in it . So , I untied the girl and held her close to me giving her words of comfort until she started to cry and seemed to be more aware of her surroundings . I think Darla was still licking drops of blood off the baby at this point . Then she saw what I was doing and came to help . She said , ' You know my love , it is really all the girl 's fault . ' I smiled and realized where she was going with that comment and I said , ' You 're so right . ' I put the girl down and knelt down next to her . I forced her to look at her brother and explained how it was her fault that the boy had suffered a long and painful death . I asked her if her father had ever told her not to let strangers into the house . Of course she grew very pale and we knew the answer was yes . I told her she would have to be punished , and I whipped her with my belt until she passed out . I … I enjoyed listening to her scream . When she was unconscious Darla drank her almost dry . Then Darla slit her wrist and poured some of her blood into the girl 's mouth . Then we tied her to a chair and left . Darla and I stayed close so we could see Holtz ' reaction . When he came home , he didn 't realize what his daughter was , and he untied her . He held her close and comforted her while he cried over his wife and son . Darla and I had to leave before the sun came up , but I know that by the next night the child was dead . Holtz had to realize what the girl was , and he was forced Connor was still standing at the sink and turned around long enough to say , " Father was right . You are a monster . " Angel looked down and couldn 't meet his son 's eyes . He said , " Yes I was , but I 'm not now . " Connor ran out of the room and up to his room . Angel didn 't follow him . Angel stayed down stairs and punched the punching bag until it broke . Then changed face and punched the wall until his hands bled . Sometimes the guilt got so bad he wished Buffy were there , because she was the only person he knew that was strong enough to really beat him up and make him hurt . He thought about how good it would feel to start a fight with her , and to feel her punching him in the face . Soon he had made a mess of the wall and his hands . He paused and looked at the wall and his hands , and put his human face in place again as he stopped . He knew there was no point in hurting himself . He had done it lots of times , and it never made the guilt go away . He went to the bathroom and poured some rubbing alcohol on his hands just to feel the burn . There was no reason to be worried about infection . Then he went to his office and tried to loose himself in paperwork and forget about who he was for a while . Upstairs Connor was lying on his bed crying . He couldn 't believe he was made from the two monsters that had killed his Father 's family in such an awful way . He understood so much more now why Holtz was the way he was . He knew from his time spent with Angel that Holtz had been a little insane , and now he knew why . He couldn 't take being in the same building with the monster and climbed out the window and started to run as fast as he could away from the hotel . A few hours later Gunn came into the office and said , " Hey Angel , when is Connor going to do his hour with me ? I was thinking about trying to take him to the grocery store again . " " I mean he 's right . I 'm a monster and I don 't have any right to hold him here . You don 't know Gunn . You don 't know the things I 've done . I can 't be a good father . I think he 's better off without me . " Gunn walked up to Angel and punched him in the face . Angel was unprepared for the blow and fell backwards out of his chair . He got up and yelled , " What 's your problem Gunn ? ! " " I can 't believe you man . Haven 't you lived long enough to figure out how father son relationships are supposed to work ? You 've spent all this time and energy into doing the right thing for Connor and now you 're going to throw it all away because you remembered what a bastard you were in the past , and you can 't deal with your own guilt ? That 's pretty selfish . That makes you as bad as Holtz . Let me tell you a little bit from my past . I had two father figures while growing up . The first one , my father , was physically abusive . The second one , my sister 's father , was neglectful . He showed us every day that he didn 't give a crap about us . Trust me when I say they both feel like shit . How is Connor going to deal with it when he realizes that you aren 't coming to find him ? He is hurting , and it 's your responsibility to help him . I can 't believe you think leaving him to fend for himself would somehow make it better for him . Even if you aren 't that great a dad , at least being there for him , and showing him that you care enough to try is better than doing nothing . If you don 't go look for him , Fred and I will . We 'll tazer him if we have to . " Angel didn 't know what to say . He stood there thinking about it . Finally he said , " You 're right . I was too lost in my own thoughts to really see what was best for Connor . Thanks for making me see things clearly . " Angel felt old and tired . He wanted to go to sleep and forget , but Gunn was right , and like it or not he did have to stick things out with Connor even if it made him face his past again . Connor was looking for something to kill . He desperately needed to find a way to get out some of his anger before he lost it and broke down again . It was just starting to get dark , and he walked alone in the alleyways looking for a vampire or two or twenty . He knew the right area 's of town to go to , and soon had a group of five of them around him . He killed them all and only received a few punches in the process . It made him feel better . He continued to another likely area of town . The thoughts that kept going through his mind were ' Father hated Angelus . Father took me because he hated Angelus , not because he really wanted me . Father … . Holtz hated me . God didn 't want us to be together , Holtz wanted us to be together to get revenge . He wanted revenge on Angelus , but instead took it out on Angel , and took it out on me . How can Angel live with himself after the things he has done ? ' Connor had made it to his next destination , and tried to make himself look like a nervous kid so they would think he was easy pray . Soon two vampires came out , and he killed them without any effort . He didn 't think it was a very satisfying kill . He needed another . He headed towards the last easy place to find them and kept thinking . He thought ' What am I going to do now ? How can I live with him now that I know what he 's done ? If I do live with him does that make me a monster too ? Am I already a monster , because two monsters created me ? Angel isn 't Angelus . Angel didn 't kill those people . Angel helps people every day . I have seen him helping people . How can he live with himself ? ' Connor had arrived at the last place he was going to try and find some vampires . He was really preoccupied with his thoughts and wasn 't looking around as closely as he usually did . Soon he felt massive pain in the back of his head , and then he was unconscious . Angel was tracking Connor 's sent by foot , and Gunn and Fred were driving around looking for him in the places he seemed to like to go . Angel found that Connor had been walking around aimlessly again , because his sent crossed itself a few times like he had been going around the block again and again . He got to the first alleyway , and smelled the death . He knew Connor was out looking for things to kill . He called Fred and Gunn and told them to check out the more common vampire haunts . He ran to the next place Connor had been . When he got there his phone rang , and Fred said , " We can 't be sure it 's Connor 's , but there is some blood on the ground here in the alleyway behind Oak Street . " Angel ran faster than he thought he could to the alleyway . He sniffed the blood and knew it was Connor 's . He could smell a female vampire 's sent as well . He tracked them back to a vacant warehouse . He went in cautiously and saw Connor tied to a wall with metal cable . The female was taunting Connor with a dagger , but hadn 't used it yet . Conner was struggling against the cables but couldn 't break them . Angel could smell the fear on him . Angel started towards the female , and he heard her say , " Some ' destroyer ' you turned out to be . I can 't believe I ran from you the last time that we met . You were pretty convincing , and now I 'm gonna convince you that I 'm the one you should be … . . " Connor looked at Angel with gratitude , and said , " Thanks Dad . " before he even thought about what he was saying . Fred and Gunn came running in and they all worked together to get the cables off Connor . Once he was free Fred hugged him and said , " Are you okay sweetie ? " Connor said nothing and just glared at Angel . Angel said , " I know you were upset , but it 's not a good enough reason to run away . Get in the car . We are going home . " " Screw that ! I can 't live with you now ! " Angel turned to Gunn and said , " We 'll ride in the back of the truck . " Gunn and Fred headed towards the truck , and Angel headed towards Connor who turned and ran as fast as he could . Angel caught him before he got even ten feet and tossed him up over his shoulder to carry him to the truck . Connor struggled wildly and punched Angel in the back repeatedly . Angel said calmly , " You are making things worse for yourself Connor . " Connor didn 't care . He could only feel anger and hate . He continued to hit Angel with everything he had . Once they got to the truck Angel climbed in and sat down . He held Connor in his lap . He wrapped his leg around Connor 's legs so he couldn 't kick , and he wrapped his arm 's around Connor 's chest and arms so he couldn 't punch . He tucked Connor 's head under his chin and held him there with his head so he couldn 't bite . He said , " Okay Gunn were ready . Try to make it quick . " When they were half way back Connor started to say again and again , " I hate you . I hate you . " Then when they were a block away he started to cry , and Angel loosened his hold and rubbed Connor 's back . After Gunn parked he asked , " You need any help Angel ? " Connor nodded and got up . Angel kept a hand on Connor 's arm the whole way to his room . Once they were there Angel sat down on Connor 's bed and pulled Connor down to sit next to him . He wrapped his arm around Connor 's shoulders and said , " I love you Connor . I know you don 't like me very much right now , but you do still have to live here and follow the rules I set up for you . I know it 's hard for you to accept that I 'm a separate person from Angelus , because we share the same body , but a soul makes all the difference . The things I did as Angelus disgust me , but I won 't lie to you about the things I have done . And you should know that the story I told you today is not the worst one , in fact it 's fairly average . I did things like that for a couple of centuries , until the curse . I tried to stay with your mother after the curse that put my soul back , but eventually I just couldn 't . As a matter of fact the final straw was when she brought me a baby to eat . I took the baby and ran so I could protect him from her . " Angel looked down at the hand that was in his lap . He saw that the cuts had healed but it was still pretty bruised up . He thought about it and said , " I punched the wall until they bled . I was trying to get rid of some guilt and anger . It wasn 't the most healthy thing for me to do , but I was upset . " Connor thought about it and said , " I don 't know Angel . I can 't get the thoughts of you killing them out of my head . I 've been having a pretty good time this past week , but now things seem pretty messed up . " " Well if we have to go back to the beginning , that 's okay too . I 'll make things black and white for you , so you don 't have to worry about deciding to stay . If you run , I 'll come get you , and spank you for leaving . You will stay here a year whether you hate me or not . " Angel smiled and thought it was encouraging that Connor was trying to get out of it by talking instead of running , or showing no emotions at all . He said , " I was upset too , but it does count . Stand up . " Connor stood . He was too emotionally worn out to argue or try to run . Angel undid Connor 's pants and pulled him across his lap . Connor 's upper body was resting on the bed , and his feet were on the floor . Angel started to spank him . Connor was silent for the first twenty swats or so . Then Angel put a little more force behind the swats and Connor started to squirm and kick his legs . Eventually , even though Connor had bitten through his lip with the effort to stay silent , he started yelping and grunting with each swat . Angel said , " You will not run away Connor . I don 't care if you 're upset or not , you still don 't run away . " Connor started to cry . Angel gave him a few more swats and then stopped . He rubbed Connor 's back and noticed that his butt was a bright red color . He said , " Okay we 're done with that one . " Angel thought about using his belt again , but he didn 't want to bring back memories of Holtz so he said , " Connor I want you to go stand facing the corner by your bathroom . " Connor gestured to the corner and said between sniffles , " Y … You want … . m … me to stand … over there . " Angel said , " Yes please . I need to go to my room for a minute , and then I will be right back . " Connor nodded and headed towards the corner . He heard Angel leave and turned around to watch the door . He wasn 't thinking very clearly , but he knew he didn 't want to run , and that it wasn 't safe to be alone in a room without looking around for danger . He stopped crying and his thoughts started to get back to normal . He thought , ' What does Angel need to get ? Why does he want me to stand here ? Why don 't I want to leave ? ' Angel was back , and Connor saw that he had a hairbrush with him . Connor understood now what Angel was doing . He looked at Angel and started to cry again even though he wasn 't sure why . He said , " No . " Angel walked to Connor who stayed in place and pulled him over to the bed again . He pulled Connor 's pants back down and pulled him over his lap . He said , " You will stop fighting with me when I am making you do something you don 't want to do . " With that Angel brought the brush down . Connor thought it made an amazingly loud ' Crack ' noise , and it was even more painful than Angel 's hand . He started yelling immediately , and tried to squirm away . Angel held him tight and gave him fifteen swats . He paused and Connor cried quietly over his lap . Angel said , " You don 't go hunting alone or when you are distracted . What if we hadn 't gotten to you in time ? You could be seriously hurt or dead . " Connor knew this meant Angle wasn 't done , and he really wanted it to end . He did feel ashamed and embarrassed that he had let himself get caught by the vampire , and he said , " I know . I … I 'm … . I 'm sorry . " Angel brought down the brush ten more times while Connor cried and yelled . Then he stopped and tossed the brush on the bed . He could tell Connor was going to have a couple of bruises soon , but they would be healed by morning . He rubbed Connor 's back and said , " I know you felt bad about the vampire catching you off guard , but now you don 't have to . You made a mistake , and paid for it . Now you are forgiven and you will hopefully learn from the mistakes you made . " Angel helped Connor stand up and fix his pants . He stood up and pulled Connor into a hug . He stood holding Connor for about two minutes , and then felt Connor put his arms around him . He couldn 't believe Connor was actually hugging him back . This was a first , and Angel could feel tears running down his own face . They stayed that way for a long time , and finally Angel said , " Let 's go have dinner . You must be hungry since you lost most of your lunch . " Connor came in and stood by the door looking at the floor . Fred said , " I didn 't feel much like cooking , so I made sandwiches and canned soup . Angel , your blood is in the microwave . " Fred said , " Did you say seven ? Connor you know you shouldn 't be out there by yourself hunting them . What if they overpowered you ? Well , I guess one of them did . It 's much safer for you to go with at least one of us . " Gunn said , " Next time you 're mad , come and get me . I 'll try to come with you . I understand if you need to blow off some steam , and I can just be back up . " Connor just stared at Gunn for a while . He had never even thought that Gunn would understand or help him like that . He didn 't quite know what to say to show Gunn how he felt about that . He said , " Thanks Gunn . That 's … . I 'll do that . " Connor felt better when they were done eating , and he went with Gunn to the all night grocery store . He didn 't have a great time , but it was informative . When they were done he did some homework in his room lying on his stomach , and read some of a book that he had borrowed from Fred . He had found that he really liked reading for fun . It helped calm his mind down , and gave him a break from the confusion and anger . Around 3am Angel knocked on Connor 's door . Connor said , " Come in . " " I 'm glad you told me the whole story even if it was awful . I 'm surprised Fath … . Holtz didn 't tell me the whole story . It would have made me hate you even more before I met you . " " I think he loved you as much as he could love anything after what had happened to him . I love you very much , with everything I have , and I hope that some day you 'll feel some kind of affection for me . " Connor didn 't know what to say to that . He thought about it and said , " I like you more than I ever thought I could , and I like living here more than I think I should . "

I am a stay at home , homeschooling mom . I love my job , which is made easier by the fantastic and creative minds that I get to work with every day . I am married to my favorite person , my best friend , my soulmate , and the man of my dreams . We live in a rural community and love it . I love to spend time with my family , playing and being silly . We are privileged and blessed to be able to spend this time together . I highly recommend a blog for those of you who need a creative outlet , or just a way to process your thoughts and your life . Enjoy this look into our family . We try very hard to spend as much time with our kids as possible . We are not those parents that try to get rid of their kids at every opportunity . Of course , we like date night as much as the next guy . But we try to spend time with them to let them know that they are loved , and the world can be a great place . So here 's what we did tonight . We had some left over prime rib that hubby 's dad cooked yesterday for Christmas dinner . We sliced it thin , put it on some hoagie rolls , topped it with cheese , and popped it in the oven . Hubby and I added sauteed peppers , onions , and mushrooms to ours . And it was fantastic . After I was done I read the last Christmas story to them that we have . And then we decorated ginger bread men . I had to stop at the grocery store this afternoon after the park and they had kits for 50 % off . They only had four men in them , so hubby and I had to share . Which that actually was ok for me because hubby doesn 't like ginger bread . Here are the pictures . Hubby did mine , and the kids did their own . And we had a blast . Then hubby beat us all at tennis on the Wii that we got for Christmas . He had some great competition , though . He didn 't walk all over us like he did last night . And the TV didn 't get turned on until now . That is so nice . Have a great day ! What are some of your traditions during this time of year ? Some of ours are from childhood , but a lot of them are from our time as a family . But they are traditons that hopefully mean something to our children and will be carried on . Christmas Eve is when we open presents . When I was a child we always opened presents then . And when hubby and I spent our first Christmas together that was one of my first questions . He 's an Eve , too . That was such a relief . I have a hard time waiting for Christmas Eve , much less Christmas Day . Our first Christmas in our own place , we had a sad Charlie Brown tree . We paid $ 5 for it from a discount store . When we put it together we realized why it was so cheap . It was missing some of it 's branches and what there was of them didn 't spread out enough to cover the tree . A friend had given us a bunch of ornaments she no longer used so that helped . But the poor thing still needed some serious help . So we took all the cards we got and put them on the tree . It looked fantastic after that . It looked full and beautiful and you couldn 't see the bald spots . That is something we still do to this day . All cards go on the tree even though we have a great tree now . Our stockings are always filled by us . I 'm not real sure where it came from , but that is something we have always done with our kids . Santa leaves a present , we fill the stockings . And the kids are alright with that . They actually look forward to what Mama and Papa have done . And then there is the cookies . Our kids always put out chocolate chip cookies . I know , Santa usually prefers sugar , but that doesn 't stop him from eating the chocolate chip ones . But he never cleans up after himself . He always leaves crumbs and a yucky milk glass . But that 's alright , too . He always leaves presents wrapped in Santa paper . All the presents he leaves have Santa on it , and I think that 's really cool . But the really cool thing is that he uses ink that only Mama and Papa can see to put the names on the packages . The kids are so upset they can 't see his writing . Posted by The boy would be so angry if he knew I was doing this . But this is what has happened to him the last two Fridays at the park . The first one he ran into another boy and got smacked in the face . They were running at each other , not looking in front of them . The boy thought he could make it around his friend , but alas , he didn 't . Black eye followed . And it got ugly for a couple of days . The second happened yesterday . A boy threw a stick at him and one of his friends . Guess who got the brunt of it ? It is not pretty . But I butterflied him up and he seems to be doing fine . He went right back to playing . What 's that saying ? Oh , yeah , " Boys will be boys . " The pictures are backwards , but you still get the idea . And for those of you who see my boy regularly , not a word . You are hereby sworn to secrecy ! Have a great day ! We finally got them finished . We all had a great time . The kids have asked that we do more . I 'm really glad to hear that since I have some planned for our science next year . Yeah , I have science planned for next year . And the year after that because I am a freak that way . So here are the things we did and some pictures . The first day we glued bookmarks on the front . They have John 3 : 17 printed on them and I was able to download them 4 to a page . That was good since we needed 4 . I also printed these really cute mini books and we each wrote our favorite thing about Christmas . You cut it out , put it in order , and staple . Decide where you want it in your book , then glue . Then we colored pictures of the three wise men , and Mary and Joseph and the baby Jesus . Cut , place , and glue . Day two we put together a mini book that was the Christmas story . It is an 11 page mini story that you cut out , put in order , and staple . Then you place it and glue . We read the story together and talked about what Mary and Joseph went through to get to Bethlehem . We talked about the meaning of Advent . Then we wrote what advent means to us and glued it . It is a fold over . You lift the flap and the writing is in there . Then we copied a prophecy verse that told about the coming Savior . It is also a flap . You fold the top down to cover the bottom , place and glue . We had a list of verses and we each picked the one that meant the most to us . Even the baby did it . She didn 't copy all of it , but she got a great start . The third day we all picked our favorite Christmas carol out of 22 I downloaded . It has music and lyrics . We glued that to the back . Then we talked about the Advent candle and what each one means . We colored an Advent candle , fold , place and glue . Then we had a flap book that went on the front that is the history and lyrics to three different songs . The names of the three songs are at the bottom of each flap and you can flip to which ever song you want to look at . We read the history of each song and then sang two verses of each . The sPosted by One of the things that I like about Park Fridays and co - ops is that I get to talk to other homeschooling parents , usually moms , and get ideas that I really like . I also get to find out that my family is , are you ready , normal . If we don 't school one day and I happen to mention that , several moms inevitably say , " Neither did we ! " I love that . It makes me feel so good . If someone mentions that their son would rather walk barefoot across broken glass while his hair is on fire than work on his handwriting , I just sigh and think , or say , " Mine , too . " What a great thing it is to belong . To know that someone else has the same problems or dilemmas that I do , and that I am not alone . One of my favorite things is hearing what other families are doing in their adventure called homeschooling . The park is a place to get new ideas . Or to get new ideas about an old concept . Or a new way to teach an old concept . But it is also a place to get fresh ideas for our families . One of the best things you can do for your children , and for yourself I think , is to read out loud . It helps your brain learn and function in a different way than reading silently . Look it up , there 's a study somewhere I 'm sure . A friend of mine reads to her children while they are eating their lunch . They are reading " A Christmas Carol . " So I have taken that idea and sort of spun it around and made it our own . I read at the dinner table . Every night we sit together at the table . That is something that I can remember doing in my home when I was growing up . As my sister and I got older , that fell by the wayside . But I always remember that we could talk about our day and just be together . So that is something that is very important to hubby and me and our family . And after I 'm done with my dinner , usually I 'm the first , I read to the family . We just started late last week , but it has become something that we all enjoy . The first book I read was " The Fright Before Christmas " . It was a cute little story that had the character Bunnicula in it . If you don 't know who BunnicPosted by I mentioned lap books on my other blog . We started a Christmas one , and the kids are loving it . They are fun and give you a more well rounded lesson , almost like a unit study . They are a unit study if you think about it . But here is the one that I completed . When we are done on Thursday , I will post the pictures of the kids ' . Each one is a little different , because I didn 't pick the file folders that had the same tabby . Next time . Have a great day ! It was a great day today . This last week has just flown by . I think it was because we were so busy . So here 's the update . I got to go Christmas shopping today all by myself . It was so much fun . I love that part . My mother in law gave me the money to shop for her for our family pod and boy did I ever . We already had something for the boy , but I got to pick out the stuff for hubby and the girls . Hubby gets to shop for my stuff , hopefully tomorrow . But I might make him take a couple of the kids . Hubby had the kids at his parents house all day . And he 's bringing home dinner . And a fresh out of the oven apple pie . So far my feelings are not hurt . I went to a couple of big box stores , and even went to the mall . I found some pretty good deals and got the stuff everyone has been asking for . We have already purchased the gift for our family pod . And we only got one . But I think we will all enjoy it . I even got a couple of things that we need to complete the gift today . And the mall wasn 't as packed as I though it was going to be . As I was standing in line at Target , I spoke to a couple of really nice ladies . They were sisters and were very friendly . One of the sisters was buying all of the Christmas gifts for the other sister 's kids . One sister was having a hard time financially because her husband had been laid off . He builds high rises and that industry has dried up around here . They have been living on unemployment and are two months behind on their mortgage . That is a hard story to hear . So many are without this season and some are even homeless . It definitely makes me grateful for what I have . I got to come home and wrap everything . My mother in law offered to wrap it , but that is my second favorite part . I got to spend the rest of the afternoon playing with ribbons and bows and wrapping paper . It was so much fun . I love gift bags and tissue paper . I love my wrapping station that holds it all . And I loved having some time to myself . The tree looks so much better with presents . Friday was park day . It was cold and windy , bPosted by Just so you know , it is Christmas in this home . We do not put up a holiday tree , or a season 's greetings tree , or any of that nonsense . We firmly believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior . We are grateful to our Heavenly Father that He saw fit to give us a savior and to allow a closer relationship with Him through His Son . We don 't wish people season 's greetings or happy holidays , we say Merry Christmas . Now that I 'm down from my soap box , here 's some quick shots of our night tonight . We pulled all the decorations out , made hot chocolate and popcorn , and watched " A Charlie Brown Christmas " . It 's kind of a family tradition . Have a great day ! You may be wondering what the pictures are . They are the science experiment that hubby did with the kids this evening . When we got home from dance , hubby made a quick dinner ( it was leftover night ) and did this really neat experiment . You take a plastic bottle , any size , with a lid and fill it with hot water . Let the water sit for one minute , then quickly pour it out . Place the bottle in the freezer for one minute and see what happens . The point is that cold air is denser than warm air . It was an experiment about thunderstorms and how the temperature of the air contributes to the intensity of a storm . And since cold air is denser than warm air , it holds more water vapor . And since the air in the bottle was warm from the hot water , the cold air of the freezer put more pressure on the outside of the bottle , causing it to collapse . It was really neat and to watch the kids learn is always fantastic . If you want to have a little fun , you should try this . We always have a good time with our experiments . We like them better when they involve chocolate , but really , who doesn 't ? Have a great day ! Vacation is over and it is time to get back to it . That doesn 't mean I want to , it just means we have to . We had such a great time in Texas and when we got back , there wasn 't time to breathe before it was back at our busy life . We got back at a decent hour on Monday . We had stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk and bread and ended up picking up something for dinner , too . I just did not have it in me to cook after our two day road trip . The kids helped us unpack and unload with a minimum of whining . There had to be whining , it just was done mostly out of ear shot or there would have been trouble . We did come home to a couple of unexpected visitors . There was a dead mouse in our bathroom . We aren 't real sure what killed him , but he couldn 't have been dead for long . The house didn 't smell and I was glad for that . Then later as I was putting snacks in the pantry , I heard rustling . Apparently , the dead one had a partner in crime . We spent some time trying to catch it then flush it out of hiding , but no luck . So now we have a mouse trap set up in the pantry , and hubby gets to go under the house Saturday . As long as they don 't get mail at our house . I don 't know how things work where you are , but in Florida , if you get mail at a residence , it 's your residence . I really don 't want to start eviction proceedings , because we probably won 't see a dime from the little rodent . Tuesday started off with gang busters . When I originally did our lesson plans , I wasn 't expecting to be out of town for Thanksgiving . I had work planned for Monday , so we spent Tuesday trying to catch up . And then Wednesday , and then Thursday . I think we are almost caught up . The kids have a science test for tomorrow . Yes , I planned a test for Friday . Take a breath , it 'll be ok . The boy has to do his spelling test as well , and that 's all . And then the park ! We had a co - op on Tuesday . I got my times mixed up and we were early ( for a change ) . But it was our kings and queens day and we also talked about the Magna Carta . We did a quick lesson , then a littPosted by We made it . We 're here . And I could not be happier . We took the long way here , and it was beautiful . We cut across to the coast of Florida , up to Georgia , and across Alabama . And we took all the back roads to see things we had never seen before . It took us almost thirteen hours our first day , but it was well worth the scenery and the family time to get to Mississippi . The back road in Alabama made me long for a time that is no longer part of our culture . It was back woods , down home and something that hubby and I want for our family . It was about making do and working the land , and everyone pitching in together to help when help is needed . I know . It sounds like a fairy tale . But there are still parts of the country where that happens . We would see signs for towns that were established in the 1800s and wonder where the town was . Now granted , we may have only seen a small part , the part without a Wal Mart or a grocery store or modern civilization . But we loved what we saw . We saw roads that looked like roller coasters . We would even hold our hands up and yell on the down side . It was so much fun . We saw small churches with cemeteries next to them . We saw lots and lots of cows . We saw houses that had been abandoned and trees growing through them . We saw barns that needed painting , but the look didn 't seem to bother the live stock that was inside . We saw telephone wires that hung precariously from the poles , which hung precariously onto the side of a hill with a very steep drop off . Hubby said he 's glad he didn 't have to work on those . Me , too ! And along the way we saw great signage . The one that struck me the most was this : Be gratefully humble , do not hatefully grumble . I always wonder who comes up with those . I wonder because I am grateful for the sentiment and the direction . Just when I would start to grouse about something on the trip , I would remember that sign , and shut my mouth . So at this time of Thanksgiving , here are a few things that I am grateful for . I am thankful for a safe trip , that we arrived safely and Posted by We are so close to vacation . I can almost smell it . Can you smell turkey and stuffing , pies cooking , and fresh bread ? I can . And it is divine . It has been so long since I have been home for a major holiday . And I need some serious family time . Hubby came home yesterday from work with a movie for us to watch . He had a couple of dollars and stopped and rented Kung Fu Panda . What a cute movie . And it is filled with some fantastic sayings . For instance , " Yesterday is history . Tomorrow is a mystery . But today is a gift , which is why it is called the present . " Wow . If that doesn 't make you stop and think for a minute , nothing will really . And it makes me realize that I am grateful for the present . I broke down and bought the movie for vacation . But I bought the one that came with The Furious Five and the pc video game . It will not come out of the plastic until we leave for the trip . I am not getting worn out on it before an almost 1100 mile journey . We have had a busy week . Monday was relatively quiet , except dance for the big girl . Our youth at church did a fund raiser at a local restaurant that night . We stopped by early because of dance . Hubby met us there and we got to eat together . It was fantastic to see so many of our congregation show up and support the youth . We had people from all three services show up , which was incredible considering all the strife that we have been going through . We filled the restaurant three times that night , and the youth raised over $ 400 . They were hoping for $ 200 . And the big girl 's dance teacher picked their recital song already . They are doing " It 's Tricky " by Run - DMC . That just happens to be one of my favorite songs and one of the first I downloaded onto my iPod . The big girl is so excited she can hardly stand herself . I love that she is so dedicated to something she loves . I wish we could afford for her to take all the classes she wants to take . Hopefully we can get the bills paid off and she can . Tuesday brought a flurry of activity . We had a co - op lesson . I love our co - ops and so doPosted by The last time we were at the park , I found out that another family was doing the same history curriculum we were doing . And they are only a week behind us . I thought that was very cool . There is so much curriculum out there , that when I find someone doing the same thing we are , to me it seems pretty rare . Anyway , listening to some of the cool things they were doing with the curriculum was making me a little jealous . The reason that I chose the program was the variety of activities that comes with the study guide . Having a friend loan me the curriculum and not paying for it was a big plus as well . When I sat down to do the lesson plans ( yeah , I 'm a freak that way ) , I had planned to do more of the really neat things that they have listed . Then our schedules got crazy with dance and co - ops and more excuses than I can count . Throw some lazy in there and the combination can be quite volatile , or nap worthy really . But I have been inspired . I have started taking more time with the kids to do the fun stuff , not just the boring work . I have a craft planned for Thursday that I think the kids will really like because they get to drag out their paints . Here is a craft we did last week while studying about ancient Africa . It 's African body art . And while I didn 't want to paint their bodies , we did the other suggestion and traced hands and feet . Then we could draw geometrical symbols on them . We had these foam stickers that the kids wanted to use . OK , no skin off my nose . Even the baby participated . Hopefully they 'll post in order starting with the baby , then the boy , then the big girl . But we 'll see how good I really am . Have a great day ! Posted by Do you remember those annoying commercials for the monster truck races ? Every now and then hubby and I do that and crack up laughing at each other . Maybe it 's just us . What a day . It was good , it was productive , and it is breakfast for dinner . We 're ready for the kids to go to bed and we haven 't even had dinner yet . We went to church today and somehow ended up teaching Sunday School . The two ladies who normally do it never came over . I guess they thought my friend was teaching , but she was only doing upper elementary ( 3 - 5 grade ) . When they failed to show up , I couldn 't leave her to do K - 2 , so I went upstairs to teach . She had already wrangled the little ones into her classroom . I stayed and helped , and then hubby came up since all three of our kids were there . It went really well . Melanie had gotten two DVDs that had songs and kids singing them and doing motions to the words . So we filled our time with that . The kids had a blast and so did we . When we got home we realized that we hadn 't stopped and picked up milk , of which we had none . The kids had been given free frosty coupons from Wendy 's . We had a couple from Halloween , so all in all we had 5 , one for each of us ! So we packed everybody up and went to have frosty 's and pick up milk . We stopped to talk to the neighbor on our way down our driveway . He is such a great neighbor to have . Hubby and I have a 14 year game of slug bug working with a few new rules added after time . One is no slugging while eating . You can call it , just not count it . He kept trying to call a red one circling the parking lot at the mall and we kept telling him no . He is persistent if nothing else . I got him on the way home . Go , Mama ! We had such a great time . We try to take advantage of family time every opportunity we get . The boy got a vanilla frosty . I didn 't even know they had vanilla . That 's how often I eat frosty 's . The rest of us had chocolate . I was the first one done . Hubby did the " Look , there 's Superman ! " distraction , which backfired when he grabbed my empty frosty container . We lauPosted by I would say that this had been a boring week except for one thing - all the kids have been sick and so has hubby . My nephew got a flu shot and a couple of days later , he had the flu . Of course , his parents didn 't bother to tell us that on Halloween when we were all together . Sunday , the big girl started sniffling a little . Then she started sniffling alot . No , no , no , no , no . Well , that didn 't help . She even missed dance class on Monday because she didn 't feel good . She never had a fever , but her nose ran and ran . Tuesday night was dance for the baby . She loves her dance class , and she does so good . It was a little chilly in the evening and the boy was wearing a jacket . And wiping snot all over the sleeves . It was so nasty . But he wouldn 't go get a Kleenex . And it was either wipe his nose on his coat or let it run . Bleck ! Bless his heart . He was in a pretty good until dinner time . The boy had a melt down . He was tired and sick and he wanted to go to bed . I made him eat a little to get something in his belly . Then I poured medicine down his throat , put him in PJs and sent his whiny butt to bed . Bless his heart . He had a fever the next morning , which meant no dance for Mama . I couldn 't drop him off at my in laws when he 's that sick . We also missed our JAM program . None of us were happy about that . The boy kept blaming himself , but I told him it was just something that happened . Then Thursday morning dawned with more fever from the boy . It never went very high , and I kept an eye on it . I try not to give my kids anything until it gets above 101 . Fever is a good thing for your body , and allows it to fight . We missed our science co - op on Thursday . But again , I wasn 't taking anyone anywhere with the ickys . Thursday night was a little rough . The baby was up and down and whiny and I knew exactly why . Friday morning she asked for a waffle for breakfast but only ate about two bites . That was clue number two . Clue number three was her coming to me , no matter where I was or what I was doing , with her arms raised , a sad look , and a piPosted by It was busy around here last week , so I 'm sorry I haven 't posted in a couple of days . Where do I start ? Halloween is a good place . Friday was also park day . The park has a dock that leads to a very small lake . But you can still fish . The wind coming off the lake was so cold . It was beautiful at my house so I had on shorts and a tshirt , my usual park attire . The two big kids were wearing shorts and tshirts , but the baby had on a tshirt and a pair of sweat pants . My goose bumps had goose bumps , and they were cold , too . The kids didn 't notice a thing , specially as they ran around the park playing and playing and playing . Every year we go to hubby 's parents house to trick or treat . We get together with all the kids and go around the pond they live on . This year it was a little disappointing . There have been so many foreclosures in the neighborhood that many houses were empty . The old crowd was still there , the ones that have lived in the neighborhood forever . But there weren 't many trick or treaters this year either . It was kind of sad . We even went to a different part of the neighborhood that we haven 't been to in a long time . Now that the kids are all walking and there were no strollers there was a little more complaining . But we just ignored them and pimped them out for more free candy . The kids recycled costumes this year . The big girl and the boy did pirates from last year . The baby wore one of the big girl 's witch costumes from Halloween past . We still had the hat that went with it . That is amazing in itself . I bought a pirate set for the big girl that had a hat , eye patch , and a hook to wear over her hand . She hung her bag on that and you could hear people laugh when they went to put candy in her bag . It was pretty amusing . Wednesday was our fall party at JAM . We had a blast . The kids got their pumpkin bags with the school supplies , but there was also candy in it . We had a donation of candy and when I picked it up from the church office and looked at it , I cracked up . It was body part candy . They are gummies and sPosted by Finally we are coming home . Although I have lived in the state of Florida for 14 years , I still consider Texas to be my home . I was not born in Texas , but I agree with the bumper sticker : I wasn 't born in Texas , but I got here as fast as I could . I am also known for saying : Any good Texan is a proud Texan . We finally get to see Mermie 's new house . We are all excited about that . They have done a ton of work on it and we didn 't get to see the before . But we get to see the after . She wants a small farm , but she doesn 't have one yet . And I get to see my sister . I haven 't seen her in almost two years . We talk on the phone often , but it 's different when a hug comes with it . And my nieces are probably huge . And Scott . Who can not be happy about seeing him ? And his partner Jeff is an incredible person in his own right . We are excited about that as well . I 'm not sure when or where , but we 'll work out the details . We have so much to do when we get there , but it will be well worth the visit . I know when the trip is over we will be ready to be home in our own beds . But we will tuck ourselves in and know that we have special memories of special people . That is what I will be thankful for this year . Have a great day ! Whoo wee ! Am I glad that it 's Friday . And not just for the obvious reason that Friday is our favorite . It has been a busy week for the kids , and for Mama , too . Monday was actually our slow day this week . I liked Monday . Tuesday started off by taking hubby to work , early for us . We had to leave the house about 7 to get there in time . Then we had to come all the way home because the big girl didn 't bring a brush . Let me tell a story . When hubby is on call , we take him to work the first day . That way he doesn 't leave his personal truck at work . When he 's on call , he brings the work truck home . When the kids were in school and we had to do this , I would barely get the kids there on time . It 's almost an hour and a half round trip . Tuesday morning we had our volunteer day at our church 's food pantry . The big girl was dressed , but hadn 't brushed her hair . So all the way home for a brush . She said she would just wear the hood on her jacket , but I told her no . It really wouldn 't have worked out , I 've tried that . It turned out to be a really long day with a little extra work at church . We didn 't get home until after 12 . And then we had to school . Wednesday is usually our busy day . But this week it seemed like it wasn 't that bad . We got a lot done in the morning before we had to leave for my dance class . I got everybody dropped off and headed off . My dance teacher seemed a little discombobulated . Usually that 's me . Class was fantastic , though . I always have the best time . We ran a little late , but my mother in law had the kids ready . Except the big girl . She is so slow moving . My mother says she is just like my Mamaw , not in a hurry . We had to make two stops on the way . We had to stop at 2 dollar stores to get trick or treat bags for the school supplies that were donated to us at church . They didn 't have enough at the first one which is why we stopped at the second one . And on to church . This was our last week of Noah . Next week is our Fall party . Then we start Christmas Around the World . I am really looking forward to that . WPosted by Today was a little busy , but not as busy as our normal days . I 'm really glad that I have the opportunity to spend time with my kids , doing things that they would not ordinarily get the chance to do . Today is the Tuesday after the third Sunday . The third Sunday is when our congregation is encouraged to bring food for our food pantry . Every day is good , but the third Sunday is what we really aim for . Anyway , today was volunteer day . We bring the food from the collection bin to the pantry to stock it . Then we go to our activity building where our contemporary service is held and collect the food from there and stock it . We were almost done when our pastor came and asked if he could speak with me . Sometimes it feels like being called to the principal 's office . But it was good news and I wasn 't in trouble . Amazing isn 't it ? We were blessed with a large donation of school supplies . When we were done stocking the shelves , the big girl and the boy and I went to our conference room and made 22 packages . Each package had 2 folders , 1 package of notebook paper , 2 spiral notebooks , 2 pencils , 2 pens , 2 highlighters and a glue stick . It turned out to be more than I thought we would have . So each of our kids in our after school program is going to get a nice little package . The rest I gave to our preschool . There were several things that I didn 't have enough of to give to everybody . Those went in the box for the preschool , too . They ended up with two boxes of stuff . The baby was a little feisty this morning . We were all up very early this morning . We had to take hubby to work . He 's on call as of today , and gets to drive his work van home . Instead of leaving his truck at work for a week , we take him to work . The baby decided that she didn 't want to help us when she saw the little kids on the playground . I asked if she could play and they were more than happy to have her . They even let her go into the classroom when playground time was over . She had a much better time than she would have had with us . We didn 't get home until noon . TPosted by Today is Friday . You all know how much I love Fridays . It is a great day . The big girl had some work to finish , and the boy had to write his bible verses from Wednesday and Thursday . But they got them done in record time . We all got ready and hit the door , but I was a little late . I was going to make bologna sandwiches , but I forgot to take the bologna out of the freezer last night . It completely slipped my mind until this morning when I was going to make sandwiches . We stopped by Subway , which upset me a little . I had been holding on to my $ 20 since early last week and hadn 't spent it . Well I spent it today ! But we all had a great lunch . My friend Melanie called me as we were getting in the van outside of Subway to ask me if we were coming to the park . It was almost 11 and nobody was there except her . That is so something I would do . But that 's my insecurities showing through . Apparently , nobody from our group was there and usually the place is swarming with them . I told her I was on my way , and eventually a large group of us did show up . The thing I like most about the park is the conversation . The topics are large and varied and can create very emotional responses , or can reduce everyone to a howling pack of wolves . Either way , today 's conversations made me realize that I am grateful for so many things . I am so very thankful to be the mother of brilliant , beautiful , hilarious , independent , free spirited children that love life , their parents and God . All of my children are so different from each other , but at the same time so very much alike . They look alike and sometimes act alike , but they think so very differently from each other . I have a quiet ( yes , I have a quiet child . But really , who can get a word in edgewise ? ) brilliant oldest child that can be very emotional and insightful . The boy is loud and boisterous and thinks his Mama is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen ( what a good boy ! ) . His mind takes the long way most of the time , but watching the journey is amazing and magical . And the baby is exactPosted by . . . life will slow down . Won 't it ? Please ? It has been a day . Today was co - op day . Not only co - op day , but our day to host . Like I have time for people to come over . I cleaned a little Sunday , but a little more on Monday . I got all of our laundry washed , dried , folded , hung up , and put away . The kids cleaned their rooms . But that didn 't mean I didn 't have 6 errands to run before everybody got here . Thankfully , it doesn 't start until 1 : 30 . I was up about 7 , making PB & Js for hubby to take to work today . I didn 't tell him I have $ 20 in my wallet , because he would take it and spend it all today . Not happening ( sorry , Baby ) . Then I got the big girl up and got her in the shower . She made her bed and cleaned her room a little first . Then I got the boy up and got him in the shower . The baby got one yesterday , so I skipped her this morning . One thing off my list . They always drag their feet in the shower , and it 's worse in the morning when they are tired . Or when I 'm tired . Or a combination of the two . Then I loaded the dish washer and got breakfast ready . We did our bible study while the kids ate and then moved on . Science was next and then history . Then the baby had to get her reading lesson . Out of seventeen words , she read 14 and sounded out 3 . I am so impressed with her . I didn 't think I could do it , but she is so fantastic . Then the two big kids moved on to their other stuff and I jumped in the shower . After my shower , the kids had to finish getting ready and at 10 : 45 , we were out the door . I had to stop by the post office , but that was a drive by and a drop off . I had signed up for a subscription for The Old Schoolhouse magazine and it came with some freebies . I had to mail the reply cards for the freebies . Then off to drop off some clothes for charity . I cleaned out our closet and a couple of drawers yesterday , and the stuff had to go . The dollar store was next . I needed a couple of things for the co - op today , drinks and snacks . And the kids were having a fit that we didn 't have dental floss for their teeth . That onlyPosted by Of course , you do . You can tell by the happy voice . It 's Friday . I will try not to say for the millionth time how happy I am about Fridays . And what a week to end . The week started busy and never seemed to slow down . Even Thursday , my slow day , turned ito a run around errand day . On Thursday , I loaded dishes , washed white shirts that were donated to our JAM program , dried and folded them , cleaned potties , went to the church to drop off paperwork , find two books , drop off freshly laundered shirts , and turn in ink cartridges that have been in my van for two weeks . Then the library to drop off our Geronimo Stilton books on CD . And then the grocery store . I needed to go to Wal Mart , too . But I knew that would be an ugly scene with the mood I was in . I was tired and grumpy , and felt like I hadn 't had two seconds to myself all day . I knew it would turn into me yelling and fussing at the kids and I didn 't want to go there . It was just easier to get what I needed from the grocery and call it a day . Before we left for church , I also sorted through six bags of clothes that a friend of mine gave me for the baby . She just sold her house and her daughters have outgrown the clothes . And her mother in law does most of her shopping . She usually goes high dollar , so I got some really nice clothes . I had to sort through them , figure out what I was keeping and what was going to be given away . Then I had to wash what we were keeping because they have been up in her attic for awhile . Then I had to bag up what was being given away , clean out the baby 's dresser and closet so the new stuff would fit , and find a place for the stuff that is too big now , but won 't be for long . In the midst of all that , I still had to school my kids , give the baby her reading lesson , and create a vocabulary test for the big girl . I ended up falling asleep on the couch at about 5 . When I woke up , the big girl had given the boy his spelling test for me . I have great kids . Then it was time for dinner . I ended up making burritos because they are quick and easy and IPosted by What a great time we had . I am so glad that we went on this field trip . It was a nice way to ease ourselves into the world of field trips . We got to the courthouse a little early . Don 't think , by the way , that this some grand courthouse in a large city . Tavares is the county seat , but it is large by no means . It is about 15 - 20 minutes from our house and is across the street from our church . We were listening to Geronimo Stilton on CD to pass the time and went in at about a quarter after 1 . As a side note : What a great series of books . Geronimo Stilton is a mouse . He has written this series of books about his life . He is the editor of a local newspaper and finds himself in all sorts of trouble . We laugh out loud when we listen to them . Edward Hermann is the narrator and what a fantastic job he does . I couldn 't stand Herman Munster , but I love most of the things he 's done since . What a phenomenal actor he is . He is a big reason we started listening to these books . If you have kids , these are great stories to read or listen to together . Sorry , back to topic . We all had to go through the metal detector . Even in small town America , podunk Florida has to have things like that . What a shame . I got to put my stuff in a little bowl and watch it get xrayed . I left my purse in the car because I didn 't want to deal with that nightmare . I herded the group through the security and we found our group . The bailiff let us in and the judge was waiting for us . He was a very personable man . He welcomed us into his courtroom and we almost filled it up . The boy sat in front of me with a friend of his and the girls sat beside me . A few times , I had to just put my hand on the boy . He started to get a little loud talking to his friend . The judge talked to us about how to be a judge , how long it can take to get through law school , and about the way our judicial system works . Then he answered questions from the kids , and some of the parents . He even asked our kids a bunch of questions , and they got most of them right . He even told us about somePosted by Tomorrow is our first official field trip . One of our home schools moms used to work for a judge . She knows his clerk and asked if it would be possible for our group to come see the courtroom and the chambers and stuff . He said yes . We go at 1 tomorrow . I 'm really excited about this . There are always free golf lessons and field trips to places that are free or really inexpensive . There are several times they give a group rate . But we haven 't been able to go to any of those . This is the first time we go with our group . Just like a big field trip at school . The big kids are excited about it , too . They are excited to see their friends and go somewhere they 've never been . The baby is excited because the two big kids are excited . She keeps saying , " We 're going to see the judge ! " with great big eyes and lots of excitement in her voice . The boy said he wished the judge would give them all gavels . I told him that would be asking for trouble . Then the boy said he hoped they got a souvenir . That 's been his big kick lately . We almost missed it . I had it on my calendar for Friday . The same day I get to see the periodontist ( ? ) . My friend Melanie mentioned it on Sunday and I had to go look up the post to make sure . Wouldn 't you know it , she was right . I was thinking we would miss park day , but I was alright with that . I really would have been mad come Friday . Here we go . I 'll let you all know how it went . Pray for us that the boy watches his mouth and his manners . Have a great day ! It 's over . And it was fantastic . Our first day of JAM . That 's our " after school " program at our church . I have taken a volunteer position and it has been a little stressful planning this and making sure that everything was ready . I do the administartion work . I make the phone calls , make sure everyone knows who are volunteers are , get volunteers , coordinate the kids with the bus , blah , blah , blah . The list goes on and on , but I have had fantastic help . In past years the program has had up to 60 kids . But this year we are very small . We had 19 that showed up and we were grateful for that . This year we also have no youth volunteers . So it is just us six adults . We have " leaders " that come in and lead a certain portion . Yesterday was Arts & Crafts and Games . But our two leaders this week were also two of our volunteers . One of our volunteers is a fantastic asset to our program this year . She is phenomenal . She loves to do arts & crafts and she can handle a classroom like nobodies business . She taught the kids a great song that had to do with Noah ( which is our topic for four weeks ) . She says her husband is even better . Wow ! She doesn 't go to our church , and as far as I know , doesn 't go to any church . But she heard about our program and wanted her daughter to join . And since she is off on Wednesdays , it worked out . I am thanking God that she has joined us . Even snack went well . We did apples with peanut butter and or caramel . Yum ! I have had this thing for apples lately , and can 't seem to get enough , so I was happy about that . We also had pretzels and juice boxes . Our snack coordinator is fantastic . She is a very healthy eater and likes to do good for you stuff . We have a " party " week coming up and she suggested that we ask the parents for the sweet stuff . She is a very good friend of mine and she cracks me up . The kids seemed to have a good time . They liked the smaller groups and I think liked the set up . I know they enjoyed the games . You could hear them screaming all over he building . It was a hoot . So a good time wasPosted by I am out of control . I can 't seem to stop . And as soon as I 'm done with this blog , I 'm going back to it . I am planning curriculum for next year . How sick is that ? We are six weeks into our school year and now I 'm planning next year . There has got to be some kind of support group out there . A friend of mine gave me some books the other Friday at the park . I looked through them a little , but didn 't really get into them until I got home . One of them is God 's Design for Animal Life book . It has text and questions and quizzes and all that good stuff . Now it would only get us through half a year , until Christmas break . But I figured we could do the human body for the second half of the year . On the Internet I go to see if I can find a book like it . When I signed on I read the one email that I had . It was from another home school mom inviting us to her house on Thursday 's for a quick science lesson and experiment . The curriculum she was using was God 's Design For . She even included the website in her email . And sure enough , there it was . It was made by the same company that created our science curriculum this year , only under a different name . And they have the human body . But it gets better . As I was looking at it trying to figure how I wanted to separate the sections and plan lessons , I realized that the material would have to be supplemented . Some I will supplement with the library , but there are a ton of great web sites out there and that would be one less trip to town . And since we go to town five days a week now , one less trip would be great . I have a membership that is about to expire for a teachers website that has printables and different resources . I got on the Internet and went through their curriculum and my book , and downloaded and saved the articles and worksheets I want to use to supplement . And I listed all the ones that I saved on a sheet of paper I clipped to the inside of the book . Sounds great . Only we won 't be using it until next year ! This is my cry for help . I am a junkie and an addict . I need professPosted by When it was the boys turn to spend the week with his grandparents , he brought home a light bright . His grandmother , hubby 's mom , loves to visit thrift stores , or as she affectionately calls them , junk stores . And the kids get to go with her . This is the fun they have been having for the last few weeks . I didn 't think to take the pictures until a few days ago . So here are the pictures of the genius stuff my kids can do with a light bright . Have a great day ! Hubby has been working so much lately , he hasn 't had the time to do our science experiments . Well , today was the day . He got home a little early from work and got started after he changed his clothes . The experiment was about heat and cold . You need a plastic bottle with a lid , a straw , some modeling clay , tape , and a small piece of cardboard . Cut a hole in the lid of the bottle . Try to make it just big enough for the straw . Fill the bottle with water and put the lid on as tight as you can . This helps create pressure . Stick the straw through the hole about half to three quarters of the way . Use the modeling clay to put around the straw where it comes out of the lid . You want to try to seal the hole , smoothing the clay out as much as possible . Tape the cardboard to the straw , with enough room to make markings . Let sit for one hour to settle . After an hour , you put mark where the water level is . You can drop food coloring in the water before sealing the lid to make it easier to see the water level through the straw . Place the bottle in a bowl of hot tap water . Watch the water level rise as the water heats up . Mark the top level of the water . Take the bottle out of the hot water and place it in a bowl of cold water . Mark the lowest level of the cold water . It turned out to be pretty fun getting the bottles together . It was trial and error with the lids and straws and the modeling clay . But hubby finally got it done . Yea hubby ! While he was putting the experiment together , I sat down and wrote a quick 4 question quiz to make sure the kids were paying attention . It worked . I know how my kids get . I posted some pictures . Have a great day ! It 's Friday , it 's Friday . We love Fridays . Friday is the day we can be with our friends and laugh and play and have lunch . Friday Rules ! It has been a long week . The issue this week has been the lack of motivation on the part of the kids . I 've been motivated to get it done . Granted we had a busy week , but still . There were some nights that the kids were working at 6pm . That was their own fault by the way . We had over two hours to work in the mornings before we had to get ready to go , but they chose to play instead . I absolutely guarantee that no work got done for the twenty minutes that I was showered and dressed . Our errands were to places that we weren 't going to be very long , certainly not long enough for them to get any work done . And they chose not to bring their work in the van . One night , hubby was working outside and the baby was jumping on the trampoline . It was killing the kids to watch her outside while they were working inside . The big girl got done first . It took her all of ten seconds to get outside . The boy just couldn 't help watching his sisters outside , and that killed him . I went outside to help hubby move some stuff out of our shed , and the boy was beside himself . I had to stand in the kitchen and make him work . He only got to go outside for about twenty minutes . And before you start feeling sorry for him , you should know that one of the places we went was church . And the boy ran and ran for the whole time we were there . He also got to run at one of our other stops as well . So I don 't want to hear it . The big girl got that way by the end of the week . She was great at the beginning , but it was so busy , I think she just couldn 't get into the groove . She fought the good fight , but alas , she couldn 't hold on . She and I had a couple of discussions and she seemed to perk up , but pretty soon , she was back at slacking . Even with that , she is such a great child . I am such a lucky mama to have my children . She got finished before the boy a couple of days this week and that 's rare . She was happy , happy , happPosted by

Connor pushed the window open from the outside and climbed into his room only to land in an undignified heap on the floor . He stayed that way for a moment or two just to catch his breath . Even though he had some superhuman abilities , climbing up the side of a building and into his room wasn 't an easy thing for him to do . But this was one of those situations where there really wasn 't a choice . He stood up and dusted his clothing off and sighed thinking about his dad . He knew without any doubt just what would happen if Angel had known about what he had just done . Not only had he snuck out , but he had also lied when he told Cordy and Angel that he was tired and was going to bed early . So he hadn 't broken just one rule he had managed to break two , and possibly even more . As afraid as he had been to go out tonight there had been no alternative . So he had arranged his pillows under the covers of his bed so that it looked as if he were in it . Only then had he carefully climbed out the window and down the side of the building . This maneuver was the exact opposite of what he had just done to get back in . Connor was very unsure about what he was going to do about the problem he had just tried to solve . But he knew one thing for sure - his father could never know about what he had just done . Because tonight 's events had been arranged by Justine . On her demand Connor had just risked life and limb to climb out the window . After what she and Connor had cooked up for Angel last summer the boy doubted that his dad would be in an understanding mood about his nighttime companion . The last time Connor had been involved with Justine it had ended in Angel 's being sent to the bottom of the sea in a metal coffin . Admittedly by his own plan and due to his hatred of the father he didn 't know . Wesley had rescued the vampire and he had then thrown the teen out for a while . But Connor had run into some real trouble on the streets when the demon populace had found out who and what he was . Angel had stepped in and brought the boy home . And Connor had had some hard adjustments to make since then . For one thing Angel told the boy that he was going to be a father to him in all capacities . He would not be allowed to go hunting by himself and he could not come and go as he pleased . Connor responded to Angel 's authority by breaking both of these rules as often as he could . And like any father Angel had tried to enforce these rules . He had frequently grounded Connor and given him lectures about consequences and the like . It particularly pleased Connor to go right back out and do the same thing that Angel had grounded him for , while he was still grounded . He also often heard Cordelia tell Angel that he needed to " do something " about his behavior . This never failed to make him smile . They had gone along like this for several months with Connor becoming more and more comfortable with his defiance . And then had come the day when he had snuck out of the hotel and upon his return his father ( still hard to think of him like that ) had grounded him . He had listened to the speech and then said , " Yeah whatever I 'm going to bed now . " and he had gone to bed . The very next evening as he liked to do especially when he was grounded he snuck out again . And not only did he know that Angel and his crew were looking for him ; he managed to avoid them all together , and continued to hunt vampires alone . Finally at three a . m . , he came home walking right through the front doors , uncaring if his father were awake or not . He frowned as he remembered what had happened that night , his father was indeed still awake and waiting for him as was Cordelia . As he knew they had spend the entire evening searching for him . Apparently Angel had sent the rest of the crew to bed so that he and Cordelia and Connor could have some privacy . Connor understood much better later why Angel had done that . Basically he told Connor that they were going to act like father and son and that they would be no more fighting . Then Angel had taken him to his room where he had given him the worst spanking of his life . It had infuriated and surprised the boy how Angel had just thrown him across his lap as if he were a mere child . Angel had an iron grip on his waist and began administering hard and fast swats to Connor 's behind . The teen had struggled and fought but simply could not escape his fathers punishing hand . He made up his mind that he would not cry . Holtz had always taught him that men do not cry that it is a sign of weakness . And he would not be weak in front of Angel . Finally the punishment stopped and Connor just knew that he had won . This father that he did not know but yet hated had not broken him . He was horrified when Angel then reached under his stomach and unbuttoned his jeans . In very short order his father had taken down his clothing and now there was nothing between his bottom and Angel 's very hard hand . And the spanking resumed . Connor tried to resist crying as before , but the continued blistering smacks on his bare behind left him little choice . And as he cried , Angel alternated between smacking and lecturing . Connor would have agreed to anything just to get his father to stop . The fire on his behind was growing to be a living , breathing thing . Finally he received three hard swats for sneaking out and three for going hunting alone and then three awful swats for lying . But still his father was not done . He finished with five more for Connors fighting him and when it was done all Connor could do was lay across his lap and sob . He knew his father was rubbing his back and shoulders but all he could do was feel . So much so that he was overcome by emotions . Much to his surprise Angel stood him up , helped him adjust his clothing and settled him on his lap . Even though the contact with his sore bottom hurt , the embrace actually felt good . He thought it was odd to be sitting on Angel 's lap , but the constant rubbing of his neck and shoulders felt so good . The vampire changed his position and then Connor had found himself leaning into Angel 's broad chest for comfort . When Connor had been in Quor - Toth with Holtz he had been punished many times for various things . Usually disobedience earned him a whipping . Or on occasion it was insolence that got him into trouble . Because there as well as here , he often had a problem with defiance . But the whippings he received from Holtz were nothing like this " spanking " from Angel . For one thing Holtz never seemed to feel bad about punishing him and certainly never had tears on his face . And while Holtz was a harsh man he never punished Connor with the intensity that he had received tonight . Connor knew beyond any doubt that his father would not hesitate to punish him again like this or worse if he didn 't stop breaking the rules . He made himself a promise then and there that he would do what it took so that he didn 't find himself in this position again . He had hated this punishment , but he also knew that he had deserved it richly . He must have fallen asleep on his father 's lap , because he awoke the next morning in his bed with the blanket over him . He also noticed that someone had taken his shoes off , and that also puzzled him . He had rolled over onto his back and gasped as he was reminded of how hard his father had been with him . He spent the next few days doing a lot of standing . Connor was never sure what had changed that night but something had . He began to think that Angel did care for him and he found himself not fighting the rules so often . He knew that while the spanking had hurt badly it had had somewhat of a cleansing effect on him . And now he knew without a doubt exactly what the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules were . He noticed that Angel was also acting differently . He seemed much more comfortable with Connor . And much to the teen 's dismay he now often hugged him or kissed him for almost no reason . He often put his large hands on Connor 's shoulders and gave him a squeeze , which never failed to remind the teen of the night of his spanking . If truth were to be told Connor actually had developed some respect for his father . And he and his dad were both trying to figure each other out . From time to time they went out to the movie and for pizza with Cordelia . And once in a while they actually shared a laugh about one thing or another . The times of conflict were becoming fewer and fewer . Connor would never forget Holtz or his past but his feelings were changing . He was smart enough to know that there was much he did not yet know about his father . And while he hated Angelus with a passion he had begun to distinguish the difference between his father and his alter - ego . He and his father had talked about it all many times and he now knew that he could ask any question and get an honest answer . The stories scared and horrified him but he respected Angel for being honest with him . But then this problem had come up , and with it the question of what would he do now ? He was just thankful to have managed to do this tonight without Angel knowing . Things were finally starting to be good between them and much to his surprise Connor did not want that to change . Even as much as he didn 't ever want another of Angel 's spankings . Connor walked towards the center of the room and what he saw there all but stopped his heart . There leaning against the wall with his arms crossed was his father . And from the look on his face Connor could tell that he had been there for some time and was far from happy . " Angel , what are you doing here ? " the nervous teen asked . " Watching my son risk his life to climb into his window , at what time is it now Connor ? " Angel replied in an angry voice . Connor looked at his watch and back into the face of his very furious father , but still did not answer . " You do remember how to tell time don 't you , little boy ? " The teen knew from experience that being called " little boy " was never a good sign . " Answer me son because you don 't want to make this any worse than it is now . Believe me it 's pretty bad already . " Connor answered the question in a voice stronger than he felt . " It 's two thirty . " Angel stepped toward Connor and took a hold of his shoulders giving him a little shake . " Have you already forgotten what I told you would happen again if you broke the rules boyo ? I am so disappointed in you . " Connor was amazed to find that it hurt to hear Angel say he was disappointed . When had he begun to care what this father thought ? And suddenly he found himself angry too . " How could you think I would forget about your rules and what happens when I break them ? " The teen physically pulled out of his father 's grasp and sat down on his bed putting his head in his hands . Angel walked over to him and began to question his son . You knew I would check on you , otherwise you wouldn 't have bothered to arrange your bed so that it looked as if you were in it . Very clever by the way , but you forgot one small thing . I always listen for your heartbeat , a sound that I didn 't hear tonight . That was a big clue that you weren 't here . " Connor was thinking that he must be slipping to forget that detail and he was beginning to wish that his father would just get the inevitable over with . " So tell me Connor what was so important that you would deceive and disobey me and risk getting your behind blistered again over ? " Just hearing Angel actually say it made Connor 's stomach lurch and he dropped his head to hide the unexpected tears that came to his eyes . Angel reached down and lifted Connor 's chin up so that he could look into Connor 's eyes . If his father was surprised to see the tears he didn 't say anything . " I thought we were doing so much better son . I thought that we were at least beginning to trust each other a little bit . " Angel sounded so sad when he said that that Connor was overcome with guilt on top of everything else . " Talk to me Connor . " Connor actually would have liked nothing better than to talk to Angel about all of this but he knew that he never could . He had gotten himself into this and he would just accept whatever punishment it took to get out of it . But he was also worried about how he was going to fulfill his part of the deal with Justine now . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't . Just go ahead and punish me . " Connor tried to make this sound defiant but it only came out sounding insincere . He could see his father looking him over closely to see if he meant what he just said . And unfortunately the teen got the idea that his dad was becoming more suspicious by the moment . " Connor , remember when I spanked you and after it was all said and done I said I just wanted to keep you safe ? " Connor remembered that very well and he nodded his head yes . " Well I can 't do that if you won 't trust me enough to tell me what 's going on in your life . " Connor wished he could but he knew that he couldn 't . " No , I won 't . " He stood up and took a poorly aimed swing at his dad , knowing that fighting would do the trick . He wanted to just get it over with and avoid any more questions about tonight . Angel easily sidestepped the punch and shook his head . " I don 't know why you seem to want another spanking son but I 'm beginning to think that it may be necessary . " He walked over and pulled out the chair to Connor 's desk and sat down . Connor could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he felt like he might just be sick . Angel motioned for his son to come over to where he was sitting and the teen walked over as slowly as he could . Suddenly Connor questioned whether this was such a good solution to the problem . Before he got to his father there was a loud and frantic knock on the door . Connor heard Gunn calling for Angel and he opened the door . " Angel - Cordy vision dude . " was all that he shouted and both Angel and Connor took off running behind him . They got to the lobby and found Cordy sitting on the round couch with her head in her hands . Fred was sitting next to her rubbing her shoulders . Angel dropped down next to her and pulled her into an embrace . " Baby , are you all right ? " he worriedly asked . She nodded her head yes , still trying to get her breath back . Fred started talking clearly upset , " Thank god we were here , we were just coming down for a snack because we were watching an old movie , a really lousy old movie about believe it or not vampires , it was so not true and " " Fred we 've got it thanks . I want to know more about her vision . " The agitated vampire turned back towards Cordelia . " Can you tell me sweetheart ? " " There was a ring and demons fighting demons and there was a girl taken hostage as a prize for one of the demons and betting was going on . The demon is going to win Angel and he 's gonna kill that girl . " Cordelia looked up at Connor and back to Angel . " Connor could you get me a drink of water please honey ? " Connor walked into the kitchen to do as Cordelia had asked . One of the inherited traits that Connor received from his parentage was his excellent hearing . So even though Cordy thought he was out of range he heard when she told his father that she had seen Justine in her vision and that the demons had mentioned the " Destroyer " . He shook his head unable to believe his rotten luck . He thought for a moment about running away again but was surprised to find he didn 't want to leave anymore . But he also knew that he couldn 't tell anyone the truth . " I want you to stay here and take care of Cordy . Do you understand me ? " Connor would not meet his father 's eyes and Angel once again lifted his chin up . " Can I trust you to take care of her for me ? " As much as he was afraid to stay he shook his head indicating that he would . " When I come home little boy you and I are still going to have a long discussion about some things . " Connor just nodded his head again and sat down on the couch next to Cordy . Angel bent down and placed a soft kiss on Cordelia 's lips . She waved him off with " Girl , demon , murder go , go , go . " Angel smiled as he walked out the door and Connor heard him muttering something about " women " under his breath . Connor turned his gaze back in Cordelia 's direction and found her staring intently at him . " So when did you climb back into your window ? " Connor looked down at the floor knowing that he would only make it worse by not answering the question . " About two thirty . " he teen found himself again on the receiving end of an intent stare . " Well you seem to be sitting pretty good so either you resolved things or my vision interrupted whatever was going on between you and your father . " Connor replied in a very despondent voice " The second one . " Cordelia responded by putting her arm around the boy and hugging him . " What I don 't get is why would you be doing this stuff again . Things seemed to be finally starting to work out . Were you unhappy with that ? " Connor could tell from her voice that she too was disappointed in him and once again he dropped his head . He felt her arms around him again and this time she was holding him in a tight embrace . " Connor , please tell me what 's going on . If it 's making you this miserable and you won 't talk to your dad then please talk to me . " The teen wanted so badly to tell her but he knew that she would go right to his dad with the information . " I 'll tell you Cordy but you have to promise me that you won 't tell dad . " Cordelia knew that it was important that Angel know exactly what was going on in Connor 's life but she thought that right now Connor needed her . " I promise not to tell him . " Connor knew that he could trust Cordy 's word and so he took a deep breath and started . " Do you remember two weeks ago when we fought that pack of vampires in the cemetery ? " Cordy nodded that she did . " Well I was back by the mausoleum and I felt someone pull me in . I thought it was more vampires and I wish now it had been . " " Who was it Connor ? " Connor took a deep breath because he knew that there was no going back now . " It was Justine . " Cordy shook her head from side to side as if she didn 't quite believe what she had just heard . " The same Justine who helped you send your father away for three months on a deep sea adventure . " Connor shook his head yes and Cordelia knowing how fragile the situation was struggled with her anger . " How could you even speak to this woman knowing what she put this family through young man ? " Connor once again dropped his gaze to hide the tears in his eyes . " Because she knows about something I did and she threatened to tell dad about it if I don 't do what she wants . " Connor leaned forward and put his head into his hands . " She 's blackmailing you ? " Cordy asked in amazement . Connor simply nodded his head yes and Cordy once again wrapped him in a tight hug . " That bitch , she had better hope Angel finds her before I do . " Connor replied with " I 'm so sorry I should have just run away when this all started , but I was hoping that if I did what she wanted she would leave me alone . " Cordy looked into Connor 's eyes and said " We will discuss the whole running away and not telling anyone thing in a few minutes , but first I want you to tell me what she has on you . And I want the truth , all of it . " Connor had never had a mother in his life , but he was beginning to think that this must be what it felt like . She reached over and took a hold of his hand trying to make it easier for him . Connor took a deep breath and started . " When we needed to rent the boat for what I did to dad , we had no money . So she stole money from an old woman who owns a small grocery store . And I helped her . " He felt sick as he admitted it and was filled with both shame and remorse . Cordelia didn 't look too pleased as she asked " How much did you take from this woman ? " " I don 't know - enough to rent a boat . I didn 't know anything about money then , so I don 't know how much it was . " " And what did you sneak out to meet her tonight for then ? " Connor explained that there was a place where demons fought demons and people bet on them . He told her that Justine had wanted him to fight tomorrow night and she would place a bet on him . " Because I don 't look like a typical demon she thought she could earn a lot of money . And then she would leave town and not tell anyone what I had done . She promised . " " Connor , this woman lied to you and taken advantage of you and now she is trying to blackmail you and you can 't believe that she plans on stopping . She will continue with this until your father puts a stop to it . I am certainly not proud of what you did , but you were an innocent in this world . Just as Holtz had manipulated about your father , she also manipulated you to get what she wanted . And now she actually has the nerve to have you lying to Angel and sneaking out to meet her . Oh she is sooo going down . " Connor was confused as to why Cordy was not angry with him too . " You don 't understand - I did these things why aren 't you mad at me ? " Cordelia stood up and paced back and forth for a moment as if she were trying to get control of her feelings . " If we had been able to make you understand that Angel was not the same person as Angelus maybe we could have avoided a lot of these problems . So I 'm gonna give you a little leeway on some of this . Now Buster let 's talk about running away . " The teen had a momentary thought that maybe he should have just taken his chances with his father . Looking at Cordy he could see that she was angry and he figured he was about to be on the receiving end of that anger . " You need to understand that if you run away we will find you , bring you home and you will be punished . If you run away ten times we will find you ten times and bring you home ten times . Because you are our son and you belong here with us and that is all there is to it . " Fighting tears she said , " Do you understand that ? " Feeling ashamed again . he shook his head to indicate that he did understand . " Your father loves you Connor more than you know . And so do I honey . You need to tell him all of this and let him help you fix it . " Connor didn 't know if he could do that or not but for her suddenly he wanted to try . Cordy again hugged the teen and grabbed his hand pulling him to his feet . " Come on sweetie let 's go into dad 's office and wait on the couch in there , it 'll be more comfortable for us both . " Connor followed her into the office wondering what was taking his dad so long . He also wondered if they had run into Justine and what exactly had she told his dad . Connor knew that when his dad came back he was still going to be punished for sneaking out and lying and maybe for all the other things as well . He had never had to wait for a spanking before and it was sheer torture . Every noise he heard he hoped that it was his father and the gang , and he hoped it wasn 't . Finally he closed his eyes for just a second and he felt himself drift off to sleep . The door to the Hyperion opened and Angel , Fred and Gunn came into the lobby . After putting their weapons away Fred and Gunn went off to their room to bed . Cordelia came out of the office and walked to where Angel was cleaning his sword . She wrapped the vampire in a warm hug and placed a kiss upon his cold lips . He looked at her with the eyes that still melted her heart and asked the big question . " Where is he ? " " He is waiting in your office ; he just fell asleep a little while ago . Did you find Justine , and what did she tell you ? " " Yea , I found her alright . She 's been blackmailing Connor and she is the reason he snuck out tonight . " Cordy shook her head and said , " I know . " Cordelia then explained to a very confused Angel everything Connor had told her . " That is basically the same story that I got out of Justine . I had her against the wall by her neck and was using my scary face at the time so I figured that it was the truth . " " He was going to run away Angel , but I don 't think he wanted to anymore . I got the impression that he kind of likes the way things are now . He is so guilty about the money they stole though . And I still don 't know if he is planning on telling you all of this . I tried to get him to confide in you but I think he is still afraid that you will throw him out again . " Cordy was sorry to see that Angel looked like she had struck him with that last comment . Angel walked over to the office door and looked in at his sleeping son . " How am I going to handle this Cor ? I want him to understand that rules are rules but some of this was just plain not his fault . And to top it off he would have rather put his life in danger than to just come to me with his problems . " Angel felt his beautiful seer wrap her slender arms around his waist . " I know that you will find the right way to deal with this . You 're a great father and you should just follow your instincts . Just let him know that you love him and that nothing will change that . And then if you need to beat his behind a little okay . " The vampire felt a smile come across his face again . Something about this woman just completed who he was . He walked into his office and touched his son gently on the shoulder and as usual Connor leapt to his feet as if he would have to defend himself . " Settle down son , it 's just me . " He saw the boy come fully awake and he knew the exact moment when Connor remembered what was coming . He was actually able to see it on his face . " Come on son let 's go back up to your room so that we can talk about tonight . " Connor reluctantly followed his father . He couldn 't quite get a handle on his father 's mood but he didn 't seem as angry as Connor had thought he would be . So maybe he hadn 't found Justine . In a way the boy hoped that that was not the case . He was growing tired of secrets and wanted to tell his dad everything . He had told Cordelia and she still seemed to care about him . As he walked by Cordelia she gave him yet another hug and whispered " I love you , Connor " into his ear . He saw his dad send a look in her direction and again was reminded of how much they loved each other . The teen thought that both he and his dad were lucky to have her in their lives . But he knew that his dad already knew this . And everyone else in the hotel knew it too . All too quickly they were back in Connor 's room and still Angel hadn 't said a word to the teen . He sat down on the desk chair again and Connor fought back the feeling of panic . " Will you tell me now son what is going on ? " Connor struggled within himself to try and decide if he could tell his father everything . He wanted to but he just didn 't know if he could . He thought about what Cordy had said and he realized that if he chose not to tell Angel everything that there would still be secrets . And she was right about his needing to trust Angel . And it wasn 't like he wasn 't about to be punished anyway . But what if Angel did something worse to him , like throw him out or beat him up ? He didn 't think that would happen , but what if it did . Connor was startled out of his thoughts by Angel 's voice asking again to be told the truth . And for whatever reason the teen just decided to tell his father the whole story . He started with the robbery and the blackmail and just told him everything . He could tell by the look on Angel 's face that he was not happy about any of it . And Connor felt his heart break a little and he made another decision . " I 'll just leave and then you won 't have to worry about throwing me out . " He walked over to his dresser and started to put his clothes into the duffel bag that Gunn had bought him . He felt his father 's hand on his shoulder and a tear slid down his cheek . " Did you somehow get the impression that I wanted you to leave son ? " the vampire asked in a voice thick with emotion . Connor just dropped his head and said " Why wouldn 't you , I 'm just a thief and a liar , and now you know that . " Angel took his son by the arm and led him to the bed where he sat down and sat Connor down as well . " I 'm not saying that you made good choices here Connor but a lot of this falls on Justine . She made the decision to rob that woman , not you . And now she is trying to use you again for her own personal gain . " Angel continued " And just like you apparently heard Cordelia tell me that I might ; I found Justine tonight when I went to the place in Cordy 's vision . She told me exactly the same story that you just told me . She didn 't tell me willingly , but she told me all the same . I told her that is she ever came near you again that she would regret it and I meant that Connor . And as far as leaving goes , you 're not going anywhere . This is your home and we are your family and we love you . I 'm sorry that after your stunt with the boat that I threw you out . That was the wrong way to handle it ; I should have just spanked you that night and continued to spank you until you straightened out . " Connor didn 't like the sound of that and surprised Angel by saying " Maybe being thrown out wasn 't such a bad thing after all . " His father responded by sending one of his rare grins in the teen 's direction . " Justine told me how much money was stolen , and where it was taken from . Tomorrow Gunn will take an envelope with that much money plus a little extra for interest and give it to the right person . He will do this without involving you . " Connor sighed in relief , but Angel was not done yet . " But you my son , will work for me making minimum wage until every dime of that money is paid . " Connor nodded in agreement as he didn 't think that was so bad . At least he could stop feeling so guilty about it now . He was surprised when his father said , " Don 't be too relieved son this isn 't over yet . There still is the matter of punishment . " " You put your life in danger tonight to climb both down and back up the side of the building and you lied to both Cordy and me . You also didn 't tell us the truth about the night you ran into Justine . And while we 're at it there is the fact that you could have told Justine no , I don 't want to help you rob this woman . So all things considered not exactly your best decision making little boy . " Connor groaned knowing just where this was heading . Angel stood up and walked back over to the chair and sat down . " C ' mon son you know what 's coming lets just get it over with . " Connor could feel his heart hammering in his chest and he so did not want this again . But he also knew that this would make everything all right , and he did want things back to normal , and a bigger part of him realized that he deserved it . As soon as he got close to Angel he felt his father grasp his arm and pull him across his knees . Connor held his breath waiting for Angel to take down his jeans . But to his surprise it didn 't happen . All too soon he felt the sting of the first swat , and while it didn 't feel good it was not nearly as bad as the last time . But before too long Angel 's swats were beginning to really hurt and Connor found he was unable to stay still . His father got an even tighter grip on his waist and continued to spank . Connor knew that soon he was going to cry and he didn 't want to do that . He had hoped to just take this punishment like a man . He fought the tears and tried to just stay still and take the swats . Very soon he found he could do neither . Angel stopped and rested his hand on his son 's well punished behind . He could actually feel the heat radiating off of Connor 's backside through his jeans . Not wanting to prolong his son 's discomfort any longer than he had too he spoke to the boy . " This is for putting you life in danger and sneaking out again Connor " and with that he gave the boy five hard swats which made him cry out . Connor just stayed across his dad 's lap and cried for a little while . It was odd because even though his butt felt like it was on fire , he felt better . He knew that it was all over and that both his dad and Cordy would forgive him . He felt Angel pull him to his feet and stand up beside him . He then felt himself being pulled into a large hug . " I love you son , and I 'm sorry that was necessary . I forgive you for your mistakes . Believe me you 're not the only one to make wrong choices . But you know if I have to repeat this lesson I will right ? " The teen shook his head to indicate that he did understand that . He looked up at his dad with tear filled eyes and said , " I got it no lying , sneaking out and no putting my life at risk and especially no Justine . " He found himself being hugged again . " It sounds to me like you got the point son . " Connor couldn 't help but reach behind and rub . It still felt as if there was a fire back there . " It was a hard point to miss especially with the way you delivered it . " The teen was surprised to actually hear his father laugh out loud at that . Angel gave the teen another long hug and said that it was time for them both to try and get some sleep . Angel bent down and unlaced the teen 's boots and instructed him to lift up his foot so that he could take them off . This action triggered another memory in Connor 's mind . " Dad , the last time did you take my boots off then too ? " he asked . Angel nodded his head yes that he had . " Why ? " Before he had a chance to think about anything else he felt his dad hand him the sweatpants that he always slept in , and told him to change . He followed his dad 's instructions and went into the bathroom and changed and brushed his teeth . When he came back into his room he climbed into bed on his stomach and his father sat down on the bed next to him . " It 's already almost daybreak son try to get some sleep now . " Connor felt his dad start rubbing his neck and shoulders and it felt so nice . He could never remember a time when Holtz was affectionate and yet Angel never missed a chance to be demonstrative with him . Connor was beginning to forget why it was that he had hated his father so much . All of the lies that he had been told were just that . He now knew that this father loved him and wanted him to be happy . And he was genuinely sorry for all the things he had put Angel through . He was beginning to get sleepy and realized that soon he would drift off to sleep . The teen knew that he wanted his father to understand how he felt . He lifted his head off of the pillow . " I 'm sorry dad . " Angel told him it was all right that he had been punished and was forgiven . " No dad , I 'm sorry that I never gave you a chance . What I did to you was horrible and you didn 't deserve it . I wish I had at least tried to get to know you . Thanks for being so patient with me . " Connor looked up to see his dad 's eyes filled with tears and then he felt even more ashamed of his behavior . " Why don 't you just punish me again , I deserve it , for what I did . " he said in a despondent voice . " Hey , I decide when you need to be punished and what you need to be punished for . And this doesn 't happen to be one of those times . We have a whole new start you and I , and for now what you need to do is go to sleep . I love you buddy . Now close your eyes . " Angel again said goodnight to his son and then quietly closed the door to his room . He leaned against the door and simply allowed the tears to come . He could not have ever hoped that his relationship with Connor would come this far . The vampire felt like the world had been handed to him on a silver platter , and he made a vow to be the kind of man and father that his child deserved . He walked the few steps to his suite and Cordelia . He knew she was waiting there for him and he hoped that she was asleep . He got an even bigger smile on his face at the thought of his beautiful love waiting in his bed warm and soft and sweet . He opened the door to his room and there she was . She was sitting up in his chair waiting for him . Unlike her Sunnydale days when she was always the fashion plate she was wearing a pair of men 's boxers and his sleeveless undershirt . And if it were possible she looked even more beautiful than ever . There was something about Cordelia under cotton that drove him wild . As soon as she saw him she jumped to her feet . Watching her do that left him totally unable to speak . " Well , what happened ? Did he tell you about Justine and what she did ? Was he all right , what with the spanking and all that ? " Angel looked at her in confusion and asked , " How did you know about the spanking ? " She tossed her head and replied " Vision . " Angel reached her in two strides . " Are you all right Cordy , was it bad . " " No , you big dork I 'm only kidding I didn 't have another vision . I know you spanked the kid because hello - next door . He may not have been as loud in the oww , oww department as last time but I still heard a lot of smack - smack and enough oww , oww 's to know what you were doing . " " So , you just told me that you had a vision just to make fun of me ? " He began to advance on her and she began to back away from him . With one jump he had reached her and tossed her over his shoulder . She was screaming and laughing and telling him to put her down , which he did in the middle of the bed . He jumped onto the bed next to her and rolled her body so that she was lying on top of him . He leaned up and kissed her passionately but suddenly she pulled away " Angel , wait is he all right ? I need to know what happened . Seriously I do , I was worried . " She moved off of him and sat on the side of the bed . He could tell by the look on her face that she was indeed troubled . " He 's fine and he did tell me all about Justine . He seemed to accept his punishment pretty well too . And then he told me that he was sorry for how he 's treated me since he came from Quor - Toth . " Cordelia let loose a war - hoop and threw herself into Angel 's arms . " Oh my god Angel that 's the best news I think I 've ever heard . " She looked up into the vampire 's face and was surprised to see tears there . She gave him a moment knowing that in his own time and in his own way he would tell her . " He told me that he loved me Cor . " This time it was her turn to feel tears streaking down her face . " Oh Angel . " was all that she could say . She gave him a small hug and stood up next to him reaching down to pull off his sweater . She then helped him take off his shoes and pants . " Come to bed Grrr Face it 's been a long , hard and wonderful day . " He crawled into bed next to his amazing and beautiful Cordelia . And he knew that whatever was ahead they could face together . And the last thought in his head was that they needed to contact Willow about anchoring his soul because suddenly perfect happiness didn 't seem so far fetched .

This blog is a bit about everything that comes to mind in the course of my week . Some of it is all about me and some will be about the others . Come along . A young friend of mine ( who also happens to be my hairdresser ) gave me a copy of her grandmother 's journal to read and to use in a story if I wished . For Rebecca . . do not open is the result of my first attempt at using this interesting description of a woman 's life . I have kept the parts of the journal she gave me pretty well intact and anywhere I had to add a bit of clarity I tried to use her voice . The errors in the journal sections are supposed to be there ! ! Lizzie was not well educated . Lizzie put the phone back on the wall while tears streamed down her cheeks . Lawrence had called to tell her that Brenda had given birth to a baby girl around five in the morning . He sounded close to tears when he told Lizzie the news . That wasn 't like him . He had called her when his son was born and she had heard the absolute joy in his voice at having his first child and a son to bear his name . But this time his voice was softer and a bit wobbly . Lizzie was so relieved when she heard him say that both baby and mom were fine . Maybe that was what was making tears leak from her eyes . Lawrence was her baby , her second son . Her two boys were good sons ; they grew up causing little fuss and stayed close by . Maybe having a girl child in the family was turning waterworks on for her and Lawrence . Wiping her face on her old terry cloth robe Lizzie moved to the wood stove to get it going for the day . The kitchen was much the same as it was the day it was built . There were a few upgrades in the coffee pot and a small microwave but the old cook stove sat by the back wall with hot water still sitting in the small cistern on the side . There was an electric hot water heater sitting behind the stove connected to the pipes running to the kitchen sink and to the upstairs bathroom but Lizzie liked the water warming in the small cistern just the same as it had for over forty years . The cupboards hugged the wall as you came in the back door from the summer porch . They had their third coat of blue - grey paint over the years but the grey streaked counter top was the original . Her favourite rocking chair sat by the window in front of the stove . A cot that had seen many more years than Lizzie herself cozied up between the outside wall and the stove . Her curtains were bright and always fresh , covering the one large window that faced the road . Reaching for a stick of firewood from the wood box she heard a truck pull up out front of her house . It was early for a visitor . She went to the window to see who it was . Matt , her oldest son got outMatt had banked her house with hay bales for the winter . He 'd nailed plastic sheeting over the foundation but the wind tore at it so much before the snow came that he finally brought more bales and put them all around the house . He had spread a couple of them on the driveway but that was way back in November . Snow came in , storm after storm , and without a car , she hadn 't bothered getting her driveway plowed . The straw was now sunk deep into the ruts where the ground had repeatedly frozen and thawed since the beginning of March . The steps and a path to the road were all that was cleared of snow or ice this winter . Her house was practically on the road so when the big Department of Transportation snowplow came roaring past at dawn her whole front lawn and half the driveway was filled with snow . It would freeze and then there was no way any path could be shovelled . Matt would come up and try to talk her into coming to live with him and Shelley until the spring thaw . So far she had managed not to do that . Matt said he figured it was easier for her to stay in her house because he and his wife Shelley climbed the snow banks on the worst days to be sure there was wood for her stoves and food in her cupboards . He would half - threaten that they were going to stop doing this for her , usually after a big storm when she was stuck inside until Matt and Shelley could get up the road . Lizzie wasn 't giving in . If she left for the winter she might never get back . Matt and Shelley had lots of room in their new bungalow . Their youngest child was off to Fredericton going to Community College and the older one was living in Moncton . They were having a good time out on their own in the big cities and had stopped coming home much . Shelley would get cross and they 'd show up for a weekend and try to act like they were glad to be home . But Lizzie could see them getting more distracted and restless as Saturday wore on . By Sunday , they were either on their way back before noon or standing at the window watching for their ride back toLizzie watched Matt until he was around the side of the house where she couldn 't see him . She realized the back door was still locked . She went and opened the door for him . " Hey , ma . How are you today ? " " Well , come in . I 'm just getting the stove going , " Lizzie said , not believing for a second that this was Matt 's reason for being at her door . It was 6 : 30 and no stores were open until at least 8 : 30 . Besides he enjoyed staying in bed longer on weekends . He had always been a boy that was hard to get out of bed on any day . When he grew up he always said he was going to stay in his bed as long as he wanted whenever he could and he had pretty well lived by that . Matt hung his old jacket on a hook behind the stove . Lizzie noticed that he hadn 't taken off his boots at the door . He did take them off at the stove and set them on the floor under his coat . Lizzie shrugged it off thinking that this was not the day to tell him again that she wished he would take his boots off in the porch . She wanted to find out what had brought him to her house this early . If it were something really bad Shelley would have phoned her . But Matt still liked to talk about his concerns or worries with his mother even before he shared them with Shelley . " Coffee Matt ? " Matt turned and gathered up the cards while Lizzie got the iron frying pan from the warming oven and set it on a burner . A bowl of cereal with a banana was her breakfast most days but Matt and she enjoyed a good bacon and egg breakfast when they got a chance . This was going to be one of those times . " Did Lawrence call you about his new baby girl ? " Lizzie asked Matt . " Yes , Shelley answered the phone when he called . " Lizzie put six slices of bacon in the hot pan and moved it to one side . The sizzle brought Matt to the stove . He reached for an egg pan kept in the warming oven . Lizzie got the butter from the refrigerator in the pantry . While Matt buttered the egg pan Lizzie sliced some bread and put two slices in the toaster . Matt would do the egg cooking while she made the toast . Both eggs and toast were finished just as the bacon was crisp the way they both liked it . Lizzie had her new coffee percolator set to come on just before she got up so the coffee was hot and ready . Neither of them would talk until their coffee was poured and the food was on the plates in front of them . Matt had gathered up the cards but he hadn 't straightened the tablecloth back onto the table . Lizzie read the Tarot cards frequently and was much sought after by the locals for her readings . She used to read for people all the way down into Maine but her clients were older now so most of her new clients were from the immediate area around Perth . The cards wouldn 't lay flat on her bright green vinyl tablecloth . The Continental department store in Perth always had a good selection of these tablecloths and she bought a new one for each season . This green one was her preparation for spring . Lizzie believed Mother Nature could use a push to get spring started in this climate . The winters were long and filled with short days and piles of snow . Sometimes she liked being snug inside her house with lots of wood for her stoves , a pantry filled with canned food and a cold room stocked with root vegetables . But by March , it was time for a new beginning in her mind and a new green tablecloth was a start . Matt sat in his usual place where he could look at his mother and see out the kitchen window to the road where his truck sat . He worried about it sitting on the side of the road where it could get sideswiped . But parking in the driveway was out of the question . " Aw , Mattie I wasn 't upset . I was so full of joy I filled up with tears . Not tears of sorrow , though . I don 't even know where those tears came from but I couldn 't stop them if I tried . " " Lawrence and I never see you cry much . We never did . Not even when Joe died . That 's what worried us . Shelley never saw you cry either and she says God knows you 've had reason . " Lizzie had shed her share of tears and still did but kept them private . She had learned to keep her tears inside until it was safe to let them out . And safe to her was when she was alone . Lizzie expected to talk to Matt about her tears this morning in her usual calm , rational manner . But when she started to , her eyes filled up , and she didn 't trust her voice . Matt panicked when he saw her face crumpling . Matt wished he had sat on the outside of the table even if his back was to the window . He wanted to get up and move but if he did that now he would have to move around to where his mother was sitting . He didn 't want her to think he wanted to leave . But truth be told he did want to leave . The crying aged his mother 's face right in front of him . He wished he had brought Shelley with him but he hadn 't even told her where he was going so early on a Saturday . She would know what to do with his mom right now and he wouldn 't be trapped in his chair with her crying and telling him she wanted to laugh . " Matt I want you to stop worrying about me right now . I can tell by that look on your face you 're scared I 'm losing my marbles or something . I feel fine I just can 't help if I cry when I think of that new baby girl . " " Okay , Mom okay I 'm not worried you are losing your marbles . " He did have a moment when he wondered if she 'd had a stroke or something . " For some reason , this baby is making me think of my own life . How I 've lived it and what I want for her . More than when Robbie and your boys were born . It may be because she is my first granddaughter . I don 't know . I read the cards last night and all of them pointed to good things with the birth and with her life . So I 'm not worried . I decided just before you came that I would do a reading of my own cards to see what might be happening with me . It 's nothing bad . " Matt had grown up with the Tarot cards as much a part of his life as other kids had had religion in their lives . No one worshipped the cards but all big decisions or troubles were answered with what the cards told his mother . He had never really decided if he believed what the cards said . They were just there , like an old aunt or grandparent who dispensed advice . He believed his mother got wisdom from the cards . But most of the time he didn 't think about them at all . He knew his mother got her strength from the cards and he accepted that the same way he accepted that Shelley 's family got their strength from prayer . " That 's good ma . I will tell you I was worried when Shelley told me what Lawrence said about you sounding sad . Maybe it is just that she is your first granddaughter . " " I think it must be Matt . You know I love your boys and Robbie so it isn 't anything to do with my feelings about them . " " Oh , I know . Our boys are so busy with their own lives now we aren 't sure if they even know any of us are still alive . " " Kids do grow up you know . Even you had your time when I knew it was a chore for you to come and see me . " " Ya , I guess you 're right . It seems so long ago . Been making my own decisions for so long now that I 've forgotten when I wasn 't . I wasn 't that great at it , as you know . Best decision I made was marrying Shelley . Much as I grumble she 's kept me straight . " " I know that Matt . Brenda is a good help to Lawrence too . I 'm so glad you boys found a good woman to share your lives with . " " Yes , Lawrence and I are glad too . We don 't know how you managed to get through so much in your life . " Lizzie 's face flushed . She 'd had four men she had loved in some way . Three of them had also been part of Matt 's life . Lizzie looked at Matt 's face for clues to how he might be feeling about how he was raised . They had never talked about what these men meant or in some cases did not mean to Matt . Lizzie wondered if she should have tried to share some of her feelings about her life but Matt kept a lot of his feelings to himself too and she had known since he was young not to push him . That pattern became their life together . The pattern continued with Lawrence . Lately , Lizzie couldn 't help but wonder if avoiding talking to her boys about her personal life was because of her fear of what they might say to her about how they were affected by her choices . It was easier to hope they were content and to pretend at times that everyone was happy than to risk asking . " My life was hard at times yes . I used to worry that you boys might inherit my troubles . Both Shelley and Brenda have been good to me too , much better than I think I was with my mothers in law . But I 've had lots of joy too . And today I am feeling some of that joy . " Matt wasn 't convinced his mother was feeling only joy as he stood up and took their plates to the sink to rinse them . After Matt left Lizzie washed and dried the dishes . The stove had warmed the kitchen so the extra heat would go to the upstairs . It was warm enough now for her to get cleaned up and dressed for the rest of the day . As Lizzie raised the washcloth to scrub her face her eyes saw a face in the mirror that didn 't look full of joy . If this was the face she showed Matt he wouldn 't believe that there wasn 't something else wrong . He might be a quiet man grown from a boy who kept his own counsel but the two of them shared a bond born of grief . Lizzie wasn 't sure what she was feeling nor what this strange rush of emotion was supposed to mean . Her mind had grabbed ahold of her past and seemed determined to explore it whether she wanted to or not . Going into her small bedroom to get dressed and make up her bed she wondered out loud ? " What did it mean to be a good wife and mother ? What would each of the four men who had shared her bed and a part of her life have said today if they were asked ? What would her in - laws say about her ? " The Tarot cards will answer these questions for her . Once she had her own answers she could stop this feeling and get back to her real self again . Downstairs Lizzie set out her Tarot cards on the table after folding back the tablecloth . Lizzie loved her boys and they always knew that . They sometimes accused her of being too " lovey dovey " with them . Although they always knew how she felt about them she never shared how she felt about her men or her relationships with these men . They knew when she wasn 't happy with something they did or didn 't do or when she was pleased with them but her own sorrows were kept to herself . Maybe not sharing her deepest sorrows also meant she didn 't share her deepest joys either ? Maybe a daughter would have wanted to know or would have asked her questions pushing her to talk . No . It wasn 't the fact that she had sons that kept her silent . It wasn 't fair to put the blame on them if there was to be blame . " Why did this any of this matter all of a sudden ? " The old clock ticking out the time over her head seemed to act as a countdown for her . She kept thinking of 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 … " What about her first in - laws ? " It was 1927 and she was only 20 years old when she married the first time . That was a long time ago . Lizzie felt an overwhelming urge to share her past with her granddaughter , to share what it meant to have loved and to lose a love . The Tarot cards sat on the table silent , ignored . It was time to shed some of her tears on the outside . Lizzie stood up too keyed up to sit still any longer staring at the cards . For the first time that she ever remembered the cards were not speaking to her . Maybe by writing out what was filling her head onto paper she could then control the questions and reach for the answers . Then she might be able to decide if what she had to say should be shared with her granddaughter someday or with someone else or with no one ever . At the very least she could empty her head of all the questions swamping her brain . There was paper in the back of the long drawer in her hutch . Lizzie wasn 't much of a writer but there was usually a pen in the bottom of her purse . Rummaging through her bag that was hanging on the coat rack by her front door she found an old Bic pen . It dangled over the page in her thin hand . The paper was lined dime store paper picked up one time for some reason that was gone from her memory . It would do . She set her paper on top of an old recipe book so her pen wouldn 't poke holes . The vinyl tablecloth was too soft . March 13 , 1976 , Journal of Elizabeth Ann Connors Grandmother of Rebecca who was the second child of my son Lawrence . This is for you Rebecca from me . I sure hope you find some time to read it and know that your grandmother did the best she could with her life . Harry I met Harry at one of the dances right when I was tired of being a maid . His full name was Harry Mckenzie . He lived with his folks and worked their farm and doing odd jobs whenever he could get one . I was so young . I hadn 't gone far in school and my life was pretty simple . I worked in other people 's houses . I dint get to talk to many people outside of my sisters . I thought he would make me a Ideal husband . I don 't think he ever Relized he was a married man . I figured once you married a man he was yours and you was his . My father even when he was sick was there for my mother . That 's what my mind thought marriage would be like . Harry came from good folks so everyone was happy we had got together . Looking back now I don 't suppose we really knew what we were doing . I really loved him . We always had a good time together he liked going out dancing and spending time with his friends . It was a treat for me . I thought he would take care of me so I wouldn 't have to work for other people . I used to write my name Mrs . Mckenzie with hearts all over it . I would fall asleep at night dreaming about being the lady of the house with someone cleaning for me . This stuff filled my head so much I dint ' give myself time to get to know Harry . It wasn 't long after our simple Wedding in March 1927 that I saw that Harry 's fun loving ways were all that he was . It was like once I was in the bedroom at his folks house I was a plaything he had grown tired of . He would leave me behind like a used toy he was bored with and go out . He went to all the dances without me . I would stay with his parents and cry myself to sleep . Sometimes he would be gone for a week at a time then come back as if nothing was wrong with what he was doing this went on for six months . My heart was shattering and he din 't even notice . I wasn 't used to speaking up for myself and I wasn 't used to married people arguing . My parents dint argue in front of us . Maybe they argued when we couldn 't hear them . I tried to talk to him about how being left with his folks all the time made me lonely but he wouldn 't even listen . He would walk away or leave the house and be gone for a few days . I could smell cigarette smoke and Perfume on his clothes when he came back . His mother ignored me most of the time . She went about doing her housework and getting the meals . I felt so bad that her son was treating me this way . I thought she blamed me for it . I just got plain fed up . His father worked the farm with his hired hands . He din 't seem to know what was going on . Harry was his momma 's boy and she keeps himself all to herself . His father gave up trying to make him his son . I was back being like a maid for a family but this time all I was getting was Room n Board . After six months of marriage I stopped crying myself to sleep and started to go to Perth . I wanted some company . I was only 20 years old . On one of my trips I saw a local backery needed someone to work there . I went in and applied and got the job . They even had a room upstairs with furniture where I could live . I gave the owner the names of the people I worked for since I was eleven . I din 't tell him that I din 't do much baking on my own when I worked in those houses . I figured I could sort that out after I got the job . I had watched and helped lots of women bake . I packed my suitcase and left . I had to phone a Taxi to come and get me . I was scared to be on my own but I had to get away from that dead house . After I decided I was going to get away I dint care if I spoke to Harry again . His mother heard me on the phone calling for a taxi . She came into the kitchen to listen . She was probably wondering why I was going to Perth without her . When I was talking to the woman I saw Ethel look at the suitcase by my feet and at my purse and coat on the chair . She raised her eyebrows and turned and walked out of the kitchen . My hand shook when I hung up the phone . I picked up my suitcase , took my coat and purse . I waited for the taxi by the front porch on the small patch of grass . I was leavin for good . Mrs . Mckenzie never spoke to me again . I dint ' care since she hardly talked to me when I lived in her house . I was so glad to be out of that awful house . Lizzie 's shoulders were rounded and her back was slouched making it difficult for her to breathe . Coming away from the past and back to her quiet kitchen she straightened her back and pulled in her breath easing her aching bones . Remembering was easier than she thought it would be yet her body seemed to have memories her mind had forgotten . Getting her first marriage out onto paper had pulled her body down and she was tired . The late winter sun was not warm enough and the old house had no large windows to let in what sun there was this month of March . Her wood cook stove made the kitchen cozy until the fire burned down too low . Her morning fire had burned down while she was in the past . Lizzie was a small - boned woman , wiry and strong . Age had shortened her stature and thinned her hair and skin . Her clothes were from Wal - Mart or Kmart but she prided herself on being stylish and clean . Even at home alone she wore a good pair of black polyester pants and a bright blouse . Today she had a red hand - knitted sweater over a white blouse . Her sister had always been a good knitter and Lizzie was proud of her closet full of beautiful sweaters that her sister Sara had given her over the years . Each sweater was kept in its own tissue in her dresser drawers . They hung loosely on her now but they still kept her warm . Lizzie went to the stove and added another piece of wood . She filled the kettle and put it on the stove over the fire . A King Cole tea bag from the faded tin on the kitchen counter dropped into the old glass coffee pot that always made good tea . Her fingers ran over the counter . The grey counter top had cuts from thousands of knives used over the years . It should be replaced but there was no money for that . Lizzie poured herself a cup and carried it back to the table . Sympathy was all there was left for Harry 's mother . Harry married another girl from the country and Lizzie thought they had stayed together . Bits of gossip would come her way from one of her sisters about Harry 's wandering ways every so often . The new wife must have resigned herself to living with a man who was closer to his mother than to anyone else . They always lived in his parents ' house . Lizzie shivered but not from the cold . She would have slowly smothered to death in a house with a husband who treated her as a plaything to be used and discarded at his whim and a mother in law who wouldn 't let her son grow up . Lizzie set her cup down to massage her fingers and hand . What had made her believe Harry was the one man for her ? Was there something missing from her own family that she needed ? I was born on August 4 , 1909 , to my lovin parents . A long ways back from this day March 13 , 1976 . My Parents had more children after me . I was the second born . They did their best to give us care and to love us . Without no help and lots of babies my momma did her best to keep us fed and clean . We had fun with each other us sisters as we grew up . I was the second oldest so I had to help a lot with the younger ones . People don 't seem to want big families now and even I only got to have two boys . I would have had more babies if my life 's Path made that work for me . My sisters gave me great joy and some misery . Sara was two when I was born . We were almost like Twins after I learned to walk . She tells me I never left her alone for a minute . We had to sleep together . My next sister Elsie was born in 1912 , which was pretty close to me . Raised in the middle like that made me more independent . Sara would tell you that I was stubborn in her way of thinking . But I got Bossed around a lot and then I had to boss the younger ones . I suppose I got pushy from that . Sara tended to listen to our momma more than me . I knew Sara was going to tell me what to do so I would stop listening and go off in my mind to something better . Because I used to do that so much is why I can read Tarot cards and peoples futures so well . Imagining what people could be doing or could be thinking would put me in my own dream world until Sara or someone else would yank me back . All of us girls had to work . We could go to school when we could get there until we were old enough to get work that paid us . I always worked at something and was independent because of that . We moved to a little place called Tilly . We had two miles to school one way . My momma dint want me to go on the really cold days . I din 't have enough warm clothes and she would worry I could freeze to death . Sara dint go very often with me . She din 't like school enough to brave the cold like I did . Going to school got me out of the house in the winter and I got to see other kids my age . I would just say , " I 'll be all right momma and off I would go . " There were many mornings after I got to the schoolhouse where I had to sit by the old heater stove . I would cry as my feet thawed out . They were burning instead of warming up . It wasn 't as bad on the walk Home cause it would still be light out . I would forget all about my cold feet and head out again the next day . We only had one pair of stockings each so I couldn 't take any ones since the floors in our house were cold in the winter . My other two sisters were smaller than me and they always got my old socks if I hadn 't worn them completely out . I luvved going to school Becca . I alrady think of you as Becca . Hope you don 't mind an old woman making your name shorter ? Thats the name that comes to me when I think about you . The memory of her sisters snuggled with her under the quilts on cold winter nights brought a smile to Lizzie 's face . Her momma worked so hard to keep their beds , covered with quilts and blankets , clean because of her fear of getting bugs in the house , in the beds , and on her family . Lizzie hadn 't realized how much her momma and poppa fretted about how to keep their children fed and warm until she was old enough to work at home and for other people . As a child , she believed her parents were strong and knew just what to do to keep the family safe . Sleeping with their arms and legs tangled up she and her sisters gave each other the warmth so badly needed on cold January nights when heat from the stoves did not reach upstairs . As a small child , Lizzie had no idea who got up and kept the fire going at night so there would be hot water in the morning . It was only later that she learned that it was her mother . Her poppa was not well and couldn 't do this for his family . A weak heart couldn 't take the constant getting up and down or the bitter cold even if he slept on the cot by the stove . There was no time for stories to be read or sweet kisses when being tucked into bed . Lizzie took comfort from the soft murmur of her parents ' voices drifting up through the grate in the floor by her bed . In the summer time , the voices were still there but the windows were open to let in a breeze on hot summer nights and crickets would lull her to sleep . There was never a loud voice , nor angry words or shouting before she went to sleep . While drifting off to sleep the quiet comfort of the sounds of her home made her feel safe . We din 't have many books in our school . The Teacher had the only Book and we had to listen to her read . I loved to listen to the stories and tales of far away places . We would learn words from the stories that we would write on our slates . We got one Scribbler , one pencil , and one eraser each term . We only put our very best work in it . I never liked doing my sums much but one teacher told me I was quick with numbers . That surprised me . I felt good about that . I always tried to tell my boys when I saw them do something good even if it was a small thing . With my daddy sickly I would have chores to do each day when I got home from school . I would carry water for three head of animals and brought in lots and lots of wood . Sometimes I was surprised that our house would have cold places with all of the wood I carried in each day to be burned up in our stoves . Because my Daddy was sickly he could only work some of the time . We were very poor in those days . My dear mother would work out any time she could get anything to do . My poor Mama - I din 't like seeing her so tired all the time . When I turned eleven years old I started to try to help by taking care of myself . I got jobs during vacation time . There were a lot of large families living near us . We were four children but that was a small family . I think now that with my Daddy not able to work much my mother knew she couldn 't keep us all if she had more children . Some of the women from the big families could afford to hire someone to help out . That 's where I got my first job - working for one of them . I would have to live right with the Family either because they lived too far away for me to walk both ways each day or they needed me to help later in the night or early in the morning . Some of what I earned went for my food and lodgings but I made enough for a few clothes . I was happy to do this during my vacation time . It made me feel grown up . My sister Sara did the same thing as soon as she was old enough . Having the two of us fed and dressed by others for some of the time helped my Mother do better . Working made me strong as I grew up . The fresh cup of tea finished and Lizzie flexed her fingers . This was more than she had ever written in one time her whole life . Memories kept coming . The women she cleaned and tended babies for were all different . One was flighty seemingly living somewhere else in her mind , thin and worn with five children under the age of ten . Lizzie remembered coming upon her behind the well house sobbing into her apron looking right at Lizzie with an expression that frightened her . A fleeting look that cut deep into Lizzie . She had lifted her apron , wiped her face and strode off to the clothesline . Lizzie watched her go before picking up the youngest girl who was tugging on the bottom of her skirt wanting her diaper changed . That woman 's face in this moment was as real as if it had happened yesterday . Lizzie now knew that what she saw on that woman 's face was despair and panic , the expression of a woman who lived close to the edge . Lizzie worked for them for one summer . Her momma told her they said they couldn 't afford to have her any longer than that . Lizzie had another family that needed her . Had that woman 's expression reached so deep inside Lizzie that it stopped her from wanting any more than two children herself ? Had that look of deep exhaustion and despair been seared onto Lizzie 's mind without her being aware of it ? Why else is this memory so strong out of all the faces of the women she worked for ? Standing up from the table Lizzie went to the window and looked out at the frozen river across the road . The ice was breaking up a bit on the edges but there were more icy nights ahead . The river wouldn 't be thawing anytime soon . Lizzie could feel her past thawing inside of her . Her insides were shifting as if the sunlight was warming her from the inside out . In the past when she felt a glimmer of this sunlight inside her body she would distract herself from herself . She would talk to someone or bake something or lie down and sleep . She had been afraid . This time , there was no stopping these memories . Nowhere toWhen I was fourteen and in grade six I stopped going to school . When I stopped school altogether I went to work in another farm home . The people living there had a post office . I was a busy little girl . The lady of the house ran the Post Office while the man did the farming . There son was mostly looked after by the Maid . The maid was an older girl who worked there all the time . I was hired to help the maid . She had to cook for the whole family and all the hired hands at harvest time . I watched the little boy and did the cleaning up after meals . I got one and a half dollars per week and my Room n Board . I stayed there for two years and my wages went up to three dollars per week with board . It doesn 't seem like much money in 1976 but I helped my family with this money . Sometimes I wanted to keep the money to buy something for myself but I was always glad I could make things better for my parents and my sisters . I was living away more than I was home so I was really looking after myself . I would like to say that all the people I worked for were good and kind people . But when we grow up we meet people who aren 't good and Kind . I had my share of troubles with these kinds of folks at times . One family had me do all the laundry for six kids with no help . I could hardly move the laundry tub when it was empty so I sure had trouble moving it when it was full of clothes and hot soapy water . I had to carry the water from the stove across a crowded kitchen to fill the tub . It took me six trips with hot water and then four more with cold water . I used a big Paddle almost as tall as me to move the clothes around in the hot water until they were clean . I then had to add cold water so I could put my hands in to wring out the water from the clothes . The kids in that house were small so I could wring the water out of their clothes pretty easy but it was real hard to do the Mans farm clothes and the bedding . The mother was loud and always swatting one of the kids or yelling at someone . I worked in that house for a month during my summer vacation . They gave me the cot by the stove to sleep on . I couldn 't go to bed until everyone else did . I was the first one up to get the fire going for breakfast even on the hottest day in July . My daddy came by one day to talk to the farmer and he saw me trying to move the clothes around in the big laundry tub . He stood in the kitchen with all the kids and the washing tub . He looked at the cot and he knew I was also sleeping in the hot kitchen . He dint say anything to me just turned and went back outside to talk to the Farmer . He finished his talk with the farmer and then I saw him talking to the woman . She was shaking her head at him but no one raised their voice . My daddy came to the screen door and told me to get my things . I was going home with him . I wasn 't sure what had happened . I was afraid the woman had told my father I wasn 't doing a good job . I wanted the money and I was afraid I had let my family down . The woman din 't say a word to me when I walked out by her . Her face was red and I thought she looked like she was going to cry but she often looked like that to me . When we got home my momma was extra nice to me hugging me longer than usual and making my favourite biscuits for supper . I was surprised my parents weren 't upset that I had lost this job . As I was getting ready to go up to bed my mother said to me , " Lizzie you never have to go back there . We need the extra money but we want you to earn it from a place where you are safe . We 'll find you a better place to go . " She swiped her hand across her wet cheeks and drew a breath as she thought about the kindness of her poppa . It felt as is she was opening a door with rusty hinges into a room that she had not entered in a very long time . Not thinking about him kept her from feeling abandoned . Surviving was all she could do . In her late teens , Lizzie had wanted a life of her own . But remembering what her father did for her that day filled her breast with a searing longing to have had him in her life longer , to have taken some of the worries from her . To tell her that everything would be all right and that he would fix it for her . The tears were making it hard for her to see . Me Starting to work outside my parent 's home at 11 and then for real at 14 . By the time I was 17 I was tired of always doing other people 's chores . I had my share of boys liking me since I turned 13 . I used to go for walks with them or sometimes to a local dance on a Saturday night . I din 't get much chance to make girlfriends since I worked in people 's houses cleaning . Their daughters dint make friends with the help much and the other girls who worked like I did would spend most of their free time with their families . I did too . My sisters were my closest girlfriends . I wasn 't home much when Rachel and Geneva were growing up . But we all were close . Maybe we were closer cause we din 't live together . In those days people started asking you when you were going to get married from the day a girl turned 17 . If they weren 't asking you about it , someone was making a joke about you and some fellow or other . Lizzie stopped for a moment to think about her infatuation with Harry Mckenzie . She knew now that that was all it was , an infatuation . Was it needing to be Mrs . Somebody or Mrs . Anybody that made her believe he was the answer to her dreams ? Poor reason to marry someone . Where did the courage come from to go to Maine to work and then to get a divorce all on her own ? Ignorance is bliss sure describes what happened . In the prime of her life and wanting to be loved for whom she was , not what she was . Just a wife ? Staying in the house with Harry 's parents would have meant food and a comfortable place to live with a bit of spending money . And some respect for being a married woman although it would have been mixed with pity since everyone would know Harry was tramping around the countryside without her . But she could not do this . That would be living a lie . She wanted someone to really love her like she deserved to be loved . Her momma had told her they would find her a better place to go all those years ago . When she could not be in that house anymore she had to find herself a better place . Lizzie put her pen down . Unburdening all of her stored up emotions onto Rebecca might be too much . Too strong and too personal . She had started this journal with tears that she had thought were fully shed many years ago . Her fresh tears were bringing back old hurts that must not have been finished for her . Would Becca care about Lizzie 's life ? What she had started was too strong to let go of now . It had to be finished . Who was to read it could be decided when she finished . Hadn 't she already decided that ? Stopping to worry that her granddaughter may be reading these many years from now was the ice trying to form over her insides again . Me and Harry I am happy with myself now although there was a short spell when I was truly lost . Think most people have times like that . Tragedies and troubles make some days very hard . Your daddy and momma and your big brother helped get me through much like my sisters did a long time ago . Families are important little Becca , and I want you to always remember that . Already there is so much love around you ; you are glowing with it . The room over the backery was clean and simple . It had a single bed and a small white painted dresser with a mirror . There was a large wardrobe against one wall with a deep cupboard for hangers and one deep drawer . A set of sheets , one quilt , and a pillow were on the bed ready for making up . I 'd never had a bedroom to myself my whole Life . All this time I remember that little room that was all mine . I wasn 't sure how I would do sleeping all alone . I set my suitcase on the white painted chair and hung up my coat . Ed the owner told me I would start the next morning at 6 am . There was a washbasin and a pitcher on the washstand . The flush was downstairs at the back of the shop . It was near the stairs so I could use it at night without having to go into the backery . One of my jobs was to keep the flush and bathtub clean . There was one other room upstairs but it was full of bits and pieces of furniture and a few old empty flour barrels . At night I would hear noises from that room that made me scared until I got used to them . Sometimes I was so tired from working all day I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I dint wake until dawn . It was likely mice running through the walls . The whole place always smelled like freshly baked bread . Ed spent his time picking up flour or eggs or other supplies we needed or delivering the foods we baked . The head Baker was a big tough woman named Mabel Kincaid . I met her that first morning when I came downstairs . I was good about getting up early and being at work on time . I was used to doing this from the time I started school . The short time I was married " Get an apron from the hook and start sifting flour over there . " I found the apron on the hook and put it on . I had to wrap it around me twice and tie it in the front . That apron had been made to fit Mabel . " My name is Mabel and I run this kitchen . You 'll do what I say when I say it . If you have a problem you tell me , not Ed if you want to keep your job here . " That was how I started my job . I did not see Ed all day . His Wife did bring lunch for me and Mabel . Mabel ate first at a table in the corner of the kitchen . She din 't tell me I could sit there when it was my turn to eat and she din 't clean up from her own lunch . I was too afraid to move any of her mess so I ate standing up by the barrels of flour . I had spent the whole morning scooping flour from a barrel , sifting it into large bowls that sat on the counter . Mabel took them when she needed flour . When she finished with one she put it in the line with the others . I bent over and scooped stood and sifted for eight hours . Mabel went home at 5pm . It was hard on my back but I was young and strong and I soon got used to it . The job was boring but clean and quiet . No dirty diapers or heavy laundry or silent mother in law , which made me happy . Time passed with me working all day and going to bed early . I dint have much of a social life . One fine day Harry came there to see me and made all kinds of good promises trying to make me feel like a fool not to go back and try life over with him again . He begged me to come back . He told me we would get our own place but we would have to stay at his Parents till he got a place for us to move . I was alone most of the time when I wasn 't working . I might as well have been alone when I was working since Mabel only gave me orders . So I did go back for a bit . But the day when things were going to get better , the day he was going to act like my husband never came . He just forgot about everything again and started on his same old way . So I left again . I got my Head Tax papers and went to Maine to work . I worked in Fairfield Maine for three years . I had nice places to work . Mostly cafes and restaurants where I got to talk to people and make friends with some of the other girls that worked with me . I worked for a year in one place they were very good to me . Harry came several times and tried to get me to go back with him but I just made up my mind there wasn 't any use . I had to keep my own self all this time . He never gave me a penny so I paid for my divorce . I wasn 't long getting it . I din 't know anyone back home except my family to tell that I was divorced . I never knew what Harry told his friends and family . But I din 't care . I was away from him and his family for good . I was free . I had my own job . I made myself a promise if I married again I would be careful and do better picking out my Husband . Well , my life was better . I got bigger wages in Maine I got many more things that I never had before . I also helped my parents again , which I was very proud to do . Then I got lonesome for home and wanted to come back . Harry was out of my life for good by then and I figured everyone else had moved on from caring much what I was doing . I went back to the backery . I couldn 't believe that it was still going strong and that Mabel was still filling up the kitchen . Ed told me he had a new girl scooping and sifting but she wasn 't good with the customers so he said he would take me back in a New York minute . The place had gotten busier so everyone had to help out at the counter serving customers except Mabel of course . So I came back . After my jobs in Maine I knew I wasn 't going to let Mabel treat me the way she did before . I was going to make a place for myself in that backery . Alfred was a good man who worked at farming as if he was born to it . His parents and brother owned the farm and they all worked it He was a solid man with strong arms and a quiet manner . His mother used to come into the backery to get bread sometimes when the harvesting was busiest and she was working the Tractor and trying to keep everyone fed . The bread and cookies were a godsend to her she told me . Maybe that 's why she took such a shine to me . When Alfred 's mother came to the bakery Lizzie had just taken over for Ed . Her hair was slipping from the hairnet in tiny tendrils around her face . Her cheeks were flushed with colour from the warm ovens . When Mabel brought out a new batch of warm dinner rolls Lizzie looked like a little china doll next to her . Mrs . Christianson had been thinking it was time her son Alfred got himself a wife . He worked hard but wasn 't the type to play hard . He mostly stayed home so he didn 't get many chances to meet women . Mrs . Christianson took one look at Lizzie that day and decided Alfred was going to meet her . Lizzie did not know of her plan until after she was married to Alfred but she couldn 't help but smile when she thought about the first time she met Alfred . Alfred came into the backery looking lost and out of place . He wore clean and pressed farmer clothes , kaki pants and plaid shirts . His boots were rugged but clean and polished . I had no idea who he was . Not many men came into the backery and those who did had a list from the women in their life . They would read from the list or hand it over to me . Then there would be some loud talk about why they were there instead of their Wife or mother . Mostly some sickness got talked about . I was quick to get the order which every single one of them was glad of even the ones who thought I was a pretty little thing . But I got them to buy one more thing , a box of tarts , a batch of their favourite cookies or a cake I was sure the woman that sent them would love to eat . I could tell that Alfred was like the other shy men the momentI can see his face to this day as he listened trying not to look right at me . I remember having this urge to keep him there listening even if he wasn 't saying much himself . He courted me in a fine way . I was so happy . Then on Nov . 9 , 1932 we were married . He was a farmer . His home was in New Denmark so we settled down there . We had a nice farm and a very nice house . All of Alfred 's family made me feel welcome and like I was a daughter to them . We worked together . I was real happy . Two years later we had a darling Son who meant the world to both of us . We were very happy together . We both worked hard but enjoyed it . I dint want for anything in reason . He was a dear loving husband always ready to do things to please me . This was real happyness for me . We lived this way for thirteen years seven months . Mattie grew like a weed while Lizzie and Albert tended their fields and animals . Lizzie tried for more babies . Alfred hoped to have a big family but it wasn 't to be . Then one day God called him home . I was so broken hearted . No one will ever know how broken I was . Here I was left alone with my eleven years old Son bless his heart . He did everything he knew to do in his childish way to comfort me . He loved his daddy very much and missed him so much . The home never was the same - so here I am again with a broken heart , my little son was going to school . I was alone most of the time . The days were long and lonely . The days went by into weeks and weeks into months until one long lonely year had Passed . I have sit alone so many hours in this past year so I thought of all the good days we had spent together so happy there was so many pleasant memories to look back to then I would go to bed and be so lonesome I can 't say the many nights I cried myself to sleep . I wasn 't a good mother to Matt then . He started to act out in school . He would get into fights and be sent home . I tried to help him but I was lost in myself . I dint go out much . I had some real nice neighbours that I lived close to . Alfred 's parents were in despair too . They dint abandon me . They were very good to me . I still lived on the farm . I keep two cows - some pigs , hens . I had a garden so with the chores I had the work in the garden in the summer time . This took a lot of my spare time . I was glad to have something to do . But did I ever dread to see the winter come it was so long and lonesome I thought the days would never end . Matt and I spent the evenings by the stove . I made him do his homework and I talked some to him about his daddy but he wasn 't ready to listen . He stopped causing problems at school but he stayed quiet and on his own a lot . I had many chances for love affairs but somehow they din 't appeal to me . I was still living in the past . Lizzie rested her pen on the table as she thought about Alfred . Writing about him brought a sense of warm peace to her belly . It had been a terrible blow when he died . Time and new loves had eventually dampened the sense of loss and what was left was a feeling of tenderness towards him . She knew now that she had been angry with him for leaving her . It wasn 't his choice to die but he had left her alone just the same . Her deep loneliness lowered her into a pit of depression for a long time . Where had this sense of being entitled to a man 's love come from ? A love that meant he would never leave her . She had wanted him to love her the most . And if he had he would never have left her . But God had other plans for them . Plans she had no control over no matter who loved the most . Thoughts of her life with Alfred continued to disturb her mind that afternoon . She slid the notebook into a box under her bed . It would be a month before it came out again . It was early but the sun was warm and the air smelled fresh again . The wood stove needed to be on all day but gently with one large log burning slowly for a bit of warmth in the evening and for some cooking . Lizzie hadn 't completed grade six . The struggle to find the right words to express what she wanted her story to tell Rebecca was wearing on her . Her spelling was poor and her mind needed a break from having to look up so many words in her worn dictionary . Not knowing how to spell words made it very hard . Old frustrations washed over her that had helped end her love for school . Having fallen so far behind she ended up feeling slow and stupid . The struggle to get her thoughts written for Rebecca was dragging her down . She was determined to finish the journal but she needed a break . The pages went into a box and out came her scrub bucket , mop and old flannel cloths . Cleaning she was good at . The April sun would dry up her driveway and then it would rain for two days and make it all soupy again . Matt had said he would be down to take the straw bales away from the foundation as soon as he was sure it wouldn 't snow again . They could still have a blizzard and he did not trust that him removing those bales wouldn 't start one . He must have gotten superstitious from her Tarot card reading . The cards told her that she was at the right time to start bringing spring into her home . That meant around the outside too . The snow was all gone and it had left a sooty black residue on the bales that gave her house a dirty look that bothered Lizzie . What did her daddy used to say ? " We might be poor but we don 't have to be dirty . " But there was no budging Matt . Every surface and floor were scrubbed clean of all the winter dust and stove soot . The windows were cleaned on the inside and the curtains all washed , dried , starched and rehung . All the winter flies that were waking up with the sun coming in were vacuumed away . Shelly took her to the Laundromat in town to wash her quilts and blankets . She loved the smell of them after they dried outdoors but her days of dragging wet blankets from her washer to the clothesline were over . Shelly tried to get her to take her sheets , towels and pillowcases too but Lizzie could manage those herself thank you very much . Matt had put the clothesline hook and pulley right outside her back door . There was only one small step to reach the line . Now that the spring - cleaning was done there was no longer any excuses for avoiding her journal . It had been moved from under her bed during her cleaning back to the drawer in her kitchen table . On her last trip to Fredericton , she bought herself a couple of big lined pads of paper and a package of new Bic pens . Now if only these new pens helped her spell the words she wanted to use . Lizzie had put off writing about Graeme long enough . It was time to get him on paper . It had to happen soon or she wouldn 't do it at all . The new Bic pen rested comfortably in her small hand . Graeme my love I lived this way for two years then one day I went to visit one of my sisters not a thing about a man or a love affair . I don 't know until this day what happened . I met a young man . I just talked to him as I would my friend . I went home still not thinking anything serius about him . But I couldn 't seem to get him out of my mind . I din 't seem to think too much about till two weeks later when I went to the hall for the dance . Graeme was such a handsome man , tall with muscled arms and a flat stomach . Alfred had been a good husband and father but he was not a handsome man . That had never mattered to her . When he died and there was so much grief she mourned the idea of him , the kindness and caring of him . Not the physical of him . She first met Graeme at a local dance her sisters talked her into going to . Tired of feeling sad , tired of being lonely , tired of her life being swamped with gloom she agreed to go . At thirty - five years old she could not stay in that fugue state any longer . That did not make getting dressed up and going out and leaving Mattie easy . Lizzie saw anger and blame in Matt 's eyes that night when she said good night to him . Her neighbour was going to stay with him . He was getting too old for her hugs and when she saw the expression in his eyes she knew she could not try to touch him . She wanted to wrap her arms around him and beg him to understand why she needed to do this . You don 't talk that way to your children . You don 't explain your feelings about what happens between a man and a woman who love each other . And you don 't tell them what it does to a person when one of them is taken from you . Lizzie hoped he would find that kind of love someday and then he might understand why she had to go out and find it again . As the veil of grief lifted a need stirred in her for someone to hold her again . To touch her in places that needed a lover to touch . She left the house with a heavy heart joining her sisters at the side of the road . Geneva , her youngest sister had a friend who was picking theShe almost asked the driver to stop and let her out . She was going to run back home . The car was full of carefree young people laughing at nonsense with the girls smoking cigarettes they would not be allowed to smoke at home . She was passed this wasn 't she ? Had this ever been part of her life ? Maybe in Maine but that was so long ago . She felt very old and out of place . The car pulled into the side lot where the grass was trampled down to hold about twenty cars . Lizzie could feel a warm breeze on her arms as she climbed from the back seat . Her sisters ran into the hall leaving her to come on her own . The driver had gone over to a group of men who were smoking by the open trunk of a nearby car . Lizzie can still picture every detail of that summer evening . The softening of the sun as it set over the fields all around the hall filled the corners of the building with dark shadows . Smoky haze floated out of the open door and windows . The music was country . Someone was yipping like a rodeo rider inside . She could see herself standing for a moment letting the sensation of life flow over and around her . Her feet took her into the dance hall . The room was brightly lit since there was no way to dim the lights and turning them off made it too dark . Candles would be a fire hazard since the floor was strewn with hay to make the dancer 's feet slide more easily . Tables and chairs were placed around the outside of the dance floor and the raised platform where the band was playing was built up with more hay bales so open flames were not a good idea . Making her way around the dancers to the table she found herself face to face with the most handsome boy she had seen in a long time . He grinned a cheek - to - cheek grin and grabbed her arm . He held her fast to his side . He turned and put his hand on her back and started to twirl her around the floor . A square dance caller was up in front of the band and he called for the Circle Left / Right Forward and Back Promenades , Wheel Around Do - si - do , Star Left / Right Swing , Allemande Left / Arm Turns and all the other calls she thought she had forgotten how to do . Her partner knew when to grab her and when to let her go . He never let her go far and the heat coming off of his body added to the sweat on her own . For every twirl and sashay , she wanted to do ten more . The other dancers were part of the excitement moving in and out of her vision . She smiled and laughed as they grabbed her hands one after the other . The caller seemed to sense the electricity in the air and he kept the calls coming . Her sisters had been grabbed up by partners and were twirling and sashaying right along side of her . She wanted to keep her partner for herself . She wanted those strong brown arms to fit around her and only her . The rest of the night was lost in the fog of years gone by . Her partner 's name was Graeme and he became a part of her life . He was only 17 years old . Her mind brought her back to the day he told her how old he was . She hadn 't asked . She knew he was younger than her . Much younger . She told herself they were dance partners and friends only . They met at the dance hall every Saturday night that whole summer . Each night they danced until the end . Completely spent yet tuned into each other 's bodies in the way that dancers and skaters had to be with their partners . Her sisters enjoyed themselves at the dances glad Lizzie was having fun and was getting out of her gloom . Her sisters changed partners and no one noticed that Lizzie had the same partner all night . Or if they did no one said anything to her . Graeme was finished high school . Lizzie was glad about that . Most boys did not finish at all and if they did they were often older than 17 as they had to take time off to work in the woods or on their parents ' farms . Graeme 's parents had done well enough that they could hire help so he could finish school . He did his fair share of work when he was home which built his muscles and gave him the tanned skin . He was working for his father in the woods when the summer ended . Lizzie had not yet invited him to her home . Matt got used to her going out on Saturday nights at least he appeared to be . There were no more glaring looks that summer . Matt was going out himself now , hanging out at the corner store with his friends from high school . Lizzie hoped he was not getting into any trouble by drinking or smoking . She did not check because she did not want to have to stop her dance nights . In the fall , Matt went to high school for grade nine . She never heard anything bad about what he was up to on those Saturday nights . Hopefully , this meant that there wasn 't anything going on . Lizzie continued to look after the farm animals and took the last of the produce from the garden that fall . Her in - laws still farmed the fields and helped with the upkeep on the house . They were devastated when their son died but they had done right by Lizzie and Matt . Lizzie 's sister had married Alfred 's brother shortly after Lizzie and Alfred were married so the family connections were strong . Lizzie thought about how that family connection was a blessing for her and Matt but also a curse for her . Graeme had started to see her during the day when Matt was at school . Graeme had less to do as they waited for the weather to turn cold and for the snow to come so they could get the sleds into the woods . Her mind went back again to those cool fall afternoons in the upstairs bedroom . The doors were locked and the curtains pulled . There weren 't many visitors anyway and if someone did come they would see that the house looked closed . Only once had they been interrupted by a knock on the door . They stayed quiet holding their breath . Whoever it was , knocked twice and then left . Lizzie heard a truck leaving . She drifted through the autumn months in a warm state of bliss . If Matt or anyone else noticed they stayed quiet . By Christmas , Graeme wanted to tell everyone about their love for each other . This surprised her . He was so young and had so much to do yet . An unsteady feeling came over her when she thought about them as a couple . How long would he want to spend with a woman twice his age ? When would he meet a sweet young thing and drop Lizzie for her ? He was still going out on his own . She hadn 't been ready to be with him in public outside of the dance hall . What if he was like Harry ? The same Harry who pursued her until he got her and then ignored her . She couldn 't take that again . Not ever . She told Graeme all about Harry and about Alfred . Graeme wanted to be an Alfred for her . That would make her laugh . He hadn 't lived long enough to be Alfred . He had to experience loss and forgiveness and some pain beforeThis went on for six months then I knew I was in love with him . He wanted me to marry him but all of my in - laws were against me going with him . But we were both so much in love that we couldn 't stay away from each other so this went on for a year . He keeps on coming and wanted me to get married . I loved him enough to marry him but my in - laws keep on they just dint want me to have anything to do with him but I loved him so much . I couldn 't stop going out with him . We went to all the square dances at the hall . He would bring donuts from the bakery that was still going strong in town . Mabel was slower and had more help these days but her baking was as good as ever and she still ruled the kitchen with an iron fist . He made Lizzie her lunch if he came over in the morning or served her toast and tea in bed after they made love . Lizzie wanted to stay aloof and distant from her heart but she was falling in love with this boy - man every day . Her love for her son and her unborn child turned out to be stronger than passion . There were regrets . Regret for the loss of this love of her life , regret for the loss of his touch that brought her body back to life and regret for the loss of a life companion . She never heard from him again . At one time she thought he might come looking for her or someone from around here would tell him she had given birth to his son and he would want to see him . She heard once that he was living in Montreal with a family of his own but no one said that he had ever returned to Perth . Did his parents ever know that they had a grandson living on the outskirts of town ? No one ever talked to her about Graeme or his family after Lawrence was born . Alfred 's family continued to be kind to her and helped with both boys by letting her stay in the house on the farm . No one ever talked about any of it . Lizzie wasn 't going to either . In time , she persuaded herself it ceased to matter . Then one day I discovered I was pregnant . I 'll tell the world I was in a terrible spot here I was going to have a baby by a man I loved and he wanted to marry me but it seemed as if the whole world was against us . I tried to make them understand how I felt but it was just like talking to the wind . They all thought if I married this boy it was the most awful thing that could happen to me . He was fifteen years younger than me . That was what was upsetting everyone . So here I was with more than a broken heart I din 't want to hurt my in laws for they all was so good to me through all the troubles when I lost my husband . So I thanked tSo we dint get married . I was left all alone to bear all the shame and disgrace with a broken heart . No one will ever know how I felt as time went by so slow and the tears I cried would fill an ocean . Then on Dec 17 1949 my darling baby boy was born . It was an 8 - pound baby boy . A sweet little fellow . Well , I took him home with me I did my best to bring him up . I loved him with all my heart . He looks just like his daddy . I did everything I could for him but I have felt so bad many times to think he couldn 't have his own daddy . Graeme never tried to see me again . I was glad for myself but deep in my heart there was a Hurt that he never tried to see his son . Not ever . A part of me couldn 't believe that I would love a man who would act as if he never had a son . I have did my best to make Lawrence a good boy out of him now he is almost 30 years old and your Daddy , Becca . He was a very good boy and a very nice looking boy . So I have got him up to this years of life and I pray that the Dear Lord will guide his foot steps in the right road of life so he will be a help to do something good for his country someday and be a man that the country will be proud of . Lizzie banked the fire and set out her bread and a pot for boiling her morning egg . She filled the kettle and went up the steep staircase to her bedroom . Her stamina for writing was getting better each day but the memories would sometimes drain her of every bit of energy she had . So far she had kept the journal writing and the fatigue it created from her sons and their wives . She caught Shelley watching her one time she was over at their place for dinner and knew that she had let her face show her tiredness . How could she explain to her and Matt that what she was doing needed to be done ? The time and energy she was expending to complete the journal were a lot but what she thought about and relived between the writing always gave her the feeling of a good tired . A tired that came from doing work that needed to be done and doing it well . None of that would make any sense to them and why should it ? This was her life and her memories that were coming out of the past and out of the darkness too . Lizzie got up at six a . m . not having slept much . Her mind kept going over the time she spent with Graeme . The sheer physicality of their lovemaking could still take her breath away . Graeme was a gentle lover but an unpracticed one so he explored her body in all ways possible . Those memories were clear and vivid . His scent , clean and sharp like the woods first thing in the morning . Your Grandpa Joe came into my life just when I needed someone steady . My Neighbour John brought him by the house one time when I needed to have the motor on the oil burner in the parlour looked at . Joe brought a good feeling to my house . I read the cards after he left and they told me that I had met someone who was going to stay in my life - someone who would bring happiness with him . When Lizzie thinks about Joe a soft quiet smile moves over her face . He came into her life when she was in her early fifties . She had been on her own for more than ten years . Raising her boys , reading cards and working a bit cleaning people 's houses . Joe brought light and laughter to her house . He worked as a small engine repairman . Everyone came to him as much for how he lightened their mood as for his expertise . They always went home with a repaired toaster , or lawnmower or chainsaw and a smile on their face . Lizzie went back to square dancing with Joe . They went to the local legion hall for their Friday night dances . The old dance hall where she spent her summer evenings dancing with Graeme was abandoned and almost completely covered in vines with small poplar trees growing up over the top of the old saggy roof . It won 't be long now before it disappears completely . Lizzie liked dancing at the legion . She and Joe got pretty good at it . She still goes and watches , sometimes getting up for a dance or two with some of her and Joe 's old friends . The dancers are getting older and no young people are filling in their places . Square dancing is not what young couples want to do anymore . Funny how they think it is so boring and old fashioned . Lizzie could tell them a thing or two about how sensuous it can be twirling and sliding around one another on a hot summer night . But that was Graeme 's story , not Joe 's . Joe was always laughing and doing something silly right at one of the key twirls or swings that would put everyone in stitches so the caller had to work extra hard to get everyone back in line . Joe became Lawrence 's father right away . Matt was too old and was out on his own at this time . He liked Joe and had his own kids call Joe , Papa , as their grandfather . Lawrence and Matt always called him Joe but Lizzie was glad he was in Lawrence 's life . He passed away two years ago in his sleep in this house with Lizzie by his side . She wasn 't ready to let him go and be alone but she had learned by now that what she wanted for herself and what the universe had planned for her was seldom the same thing . His wake was filled with fun stories and happy tears . His funeral was solemn and worthy of a man who firmly believed there was a place in heaven waiting for him . Lawrence told his mom that he was sure Joe was in his place in heaven making everyone laugh . Lizzie smiled at that . She knew he was there . Her old housecoat was on the floor where it must have landed when she was thrashing around . It usually stayed on the foot of her bed all night and never moved . Her housecoat pulled over her shoulders and with her slippers on her feet she descended the steep staircase her hand firmly planted on the railing . The box of old photographs was still there in the middle of her kitchen table . She had not taken the box out of the closet for a long time . Going back to the places she saw in each photo had helped her remember . There were a few she wished she had destroyed years ago . She reached for one of those now . It was an old photograph of Joe 's . Graeme was in this photo with Joe 's brother , Donnie . They had their arm around each other . Graeme was laughing right into the camera but Donnie was looking at Graeme . The expression on Donnie 's face was so sad and filled with such deep longing that Lizzie had dropped the photo onto the table shaking with dread . Donnie had loved Graeme . His eyes shone with it and his body looked like it wanted to coil around Graeme 's . How did she not know about this ? Had Graeme known and not told her ? Or was he oblivious to his friend 's longing ? This was too much for her to worry about now . Upstairs in her bed , she couldn 't stop the thoughts of Graeme and Donnie that should not be . In the morning as she looked at the photo again in the cold light of day she saw the same passion she had the night before . She recognized the feelings Donnie was trying not to show because she knew that a photo of her and Graeme together would have shown that same expression on her face . I felt good about the cards so when John came over a week later to ask me to come to supper at his house I knew that it was because of Joe . John and Elly invited me for supper sometimes . Derek there boy played with Lawrence so they knew I was mostly on my own . Elly told me to bring the boys . We all went , the boys happy to get up in John 's big hayloft . Matt was too old to be playing like that but he would use Lawrence as aWhen Joe left me for heaven I was sad . Yet I still feel he is with me when I laugh or hear a joke that makes me smile . All this love , Becca and all this loss . Am I sorry for any of it ? Life doesn 't often give you much of a chance to decide . I was busy living . My days were filled with caring for others trying to make a living so I could live on my own if I had to . So many times I had to . This wasn 't how I wanted to live my Life when I was writing my name in hearts as Mrs . Mckenzie . I had to choose a path not knowing where it would lead me - I always chose the path of Love Becca . If there was no love or it was lost or taken from me I chose another Path . As I look back I see that even if I lost love I would start to look for it again . My love for my Sons keeped me going for most of my life . We change when we become a parent . It is a good change . Love for our Babies is like no other . My love for men was different for each man that I chose to love but the love for my boys is the same and cannot be bent or broken . Lovers and husbands have to earn our love every day they are with us . We have to earn their love every day to . Sometimes I could get it to work and other times I couldn 't . God had other plans some days to and I sure had no say in what He decided for me . I have no magic for you my little girl . I have only my life to share with you . Make of it what you want . You are a love of my life . Lizzie put her pen down one last time . A deep knot had slowly let go in her chest . Graeme 's disappearance from her life . He didn 't mean to disappear from her life . The years of silence she had ignored , the pain of not being with him , the hurt that he hadn 't even tried to see his son , all released . She had sent Graeme away not from the world , just from her . But he had been taken him away from the world and Donnie had paid for that with his own life . This was a certainty that she could not deny and one that had lain buried deep inside her for a long time . Once upon a time , the cards had tried to tell her but she was not listening . It was beyond her capacity to believe them . She had had another son to raise . Her mind had closed down her fears . And even now or especially now no one else needed to know . Her new granddaughter 's life was not going to be marred by what had happened to her real grandfather . Rebecca would someday read an old woman 's tale of love and loss not one of jealousy and revenge . Lizzie took the photo to the stove and tossed it in watching until it was burned to ash . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Upstairs under her bed sat the metal cash box in which Lizzie kept her will and the deed to her house . When Matt and Shelley were checking the house for important papers after Lizzie 's funeral they retrieved the cash box . A folded brown envelope with Rebecca 's name on it was found in it . Under her name was written Do not open , for Rebecca only , on her25th birthday . Lawrence put it in his business safe at his house . He could keep it safe there for another twenty years . And he did . WendyMcLeodMacKnightMay 20 , 2016 at 7 : 05 PMOh now it makes sense ! Came up twice on my system ! Good for you ! ReplyDeleteBarb FullertonMay 24 , 2016 at 7 : 26 AMExtraordinary , ordinary lives . . . . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . " All fiction is largely autobiographical and much autobiography is , of course , fiction . " - - P . D . James " A good [ short story ] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in , outsized , now , and uneasy with the fit . " ― David Sedaris

No visitor 's are allowed in the dressing rooms , but , I wanted to get a photo of Susanna and Maddie in their costume 's . I peeked in and a chorus of , " GRAMMA JUDY - - COME IN " rang out . A dozen girls waving me in . I don 't even know most of them , but because , I AM GRAMMA JUDY , I went right in . ( I later asked Maddie how all those girls know me and she said , " Because you come to all our ballet performances , and you comment on Face Book . . . and they all know , Gramma Judy . " Susanna has been accepted HERE . She is a wonderful , very talented dancer . I 've watched her dance since she was seven - - she and Maddie were little mice in their first Nutcracker Ballet . Baccalaureate was at 2 : 00 at a large church across from the school . A Nazarene Church . Now , when I was younger , the Nazarene Church was a scary place to me . No make - up allowed . No jewelry . Times have changed . People attending in their pedal pushers and blue jeans - - WHICH - - personally I think is not appropriate ! ! ! I wanted to wear a dress . Had my panty hose and slip on and the dress , which is quite big on me now . Then , I pulled my two pair of white dress shoes out of the closet . I haven 't worn either pair in 12 years and , they are about a size too small now and they hurt like heck . So - - I pulled on my new pair of white dress pants and a top my sister gave me 12 years ago - - which is also large on me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I even put on some colored moisturizer and MASCARA ! ! ! Which was a real big mistake when they sang , the song above , " Oceans " , " Amazing Grace " and this one : The Prayer Song At the end of the service , Karen advised me that my mascara was all black under my eyes and I advised her that her eyes were all red , also from crying . If Karen hadn 't cried and practically sobbed , I think I would have been okay . Another weird and wonderful thing happened at the beginning , as people were filing in . Karen was talking to the family in front of us . Their Dad was playing the piano and . . . he was playing " Take My Hand Precious Lord . " I want that song played and sung at my funeral and have never been able to figure out who to have do it . Come to find out , the mother and both older sisters are wonderful singers . So - - I just leaned forward and told her and she handed me a business card . Now , you all might think this is completely weird , but you know how I have everything planned and organized and this one particular thing had bothered me . Now , I can put that card in my " funeral box " and I will have my song played and sung ! ! ! YAY ! ! ! All the kids speeches were about their wonderful future . I remember those kinds of speeches at my own graduation - - 57 years ago . Has any of your lives turned out like you thought it would on your graduation day ? I won 't tell any of these kids anything negative about the future . They go forth with so many choices , so many opportunities - - much more fortunate than we were at that age . Perhaps they will have wonderful , happy and fulfilled lives . Now I remember ! ! ! It was Jan at " Stand and Stare " that read the " The Age Of Miracles " book . She said for 36 hours she read while she cooked , ate and ignored her hubby . Yeah - - it was that kind of book . I tried to draw it out , so I would only allow myself to read a couple of hours each night . I finished it last night . " It still amazes me how little we really knew . . . . Maybe everything that happened to me and my family had nothing at all to do with the slowing . It 's possible , I guess . But I doubt it . I doubt it very much . " On a seemingly ordinary Saturday in a California suburb , Julia and her family awake to discover , along with the rest of the world , that the rotation of the earth has suddenly begun to slow . The days and nights grow longer and longer , gravity is affected , the environment is thrown into disarray . Yet as she struggles to navigate an ever - shifting landscape , Julia is also coping with the normal disasters of everyday life - the fissures in her parents ' marriage , the loss of old friends , the hopeful anguish of first love , the bizarre behavior of her grandfather who , convinced of a government conspiracy , spends his days obsessively cataloging his possessions . As Julia adjusts to the new normal , the slowing inexorably continues . Even though I saw my flip - chart say it was Friday today - - all day it felt like Saturday . I have so many things coming up and I am afraid I am going to miss them , I guess . Tomorrow afternoon , Madeleine 's last ballet recital - - there will be tears . I still see her as that little 3 year old just starting ballet . < sigh > Sunday is Baccalaureate . I looked outside early this morning and Darlene was walking down the street in , what I thought was a nightgown . She went into Jackie 's house and came out later - - looked over here and must have thought I was still asleep , because she didn 't come over . I have no idea why she lied . She never came over here . My door was not locked , in fact it was open to catch the early morning cool breeze . " Oh - Heavens no ! I went to a high end store and tried on . . . like . . twenty dresses . It is a size 10 and fits me to a T . " " It 's like a tank top with a V neckline . White on the top , red from the bust to the hip and then a floor length skirt of black . It sort of flows when I walk . " " HA ! I will look better than the mother of the bride AND the mother of the groom . Everyone else is wearing a street length dress . No one is wearing a floor length gown except me ! " Today , the Fed Ex truck delivered the long handled dandelion weeder thingie I ordered for Pearl and I to share . I grabbed the box and went right up to their place , the minute Dar left . Merle opened up the long box and tipped it up and . . . out fell TWO ! ! ! Exactly alike ! Now - - Pearl and I can use them at the same time and along with my long handled trowel - - we are going to be able to weed her little front garden . We are going to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday , as it is suppose to rain Monday . My friend Mary , who lived behind me , moved to an apartment . She sold her place to the parents of the Yippy dog , who lived just across the street . A guy moved into their place . He walks by here with his old Cocker Spaniel a couple of times a day . We have waved . This evening , I was out watering and saw him and walked out to the street to pet the dog . He introduced himself and I told him my name and then . . . . . I learned more about this guy in 15 minutes than I learned about Fred in a week ! ! ! This guy talked fast and a lot . Now - - don 't feel bad for me and my finger . Yes - - a lot of us didn 't have the perfect " Leave It To Beaver " childhood . I don 't think our parents necessarily thought each day how they could be uncaring , unloving or just down right mean to us . It 's just that , when it is a seemingly unloving PARENT - - it makes it so much worse and influences our adult lives much more . I really am glad that it was my Daddy and not my Mother who was so strict and uncaring - - so , I 'm lucky that way . I can remember my sister and I standing by Daddy 's bed , when he was in Hospice and completely drugged out of it . Susan said , " Just say it ! Just say it once , before it is too late ! " Meaning , just say I love you - - - but it didn 't happen . About two weeks after my Daddy died , I was sitting out on the front porch - - in the middle of the night . I felt my Daddy 's presence real strong . Now - - I 'm not one for believing that dead people 's spirits come around and visit us - - although I have had a " sighting " of my Grandmother after she died . I just felt my Daddy 's presence . So I just said , " Daddy , I forgive you . " and then I said , " Dear God , please forgive my father . " Strangest thing - - for two weeks I had sleepless nights or nights filled with nightmares . When I said those few words , a feeling when through me of such peace . I can 't describe it . It was a total relaxation of my shoulders and peace in my insides - - everything just very still . Now , unless asked , I rarely think of my Daddy 's treatment of me . It doesn 't matter . Forgiveness is such a powerful thing . Not for the person we forgive , but for ourselves . It doesn 't mean that they get away with what they 've done , it 's just that we aren 't going to let the way they treated us , poison our minds and souls . That person doesn 't even have to know we have forgiven them . People say , " I can forgive , but not forget , " well , it was real strange for me . When I did forgive . I did forget . I rarely think of those people at all . I am hoping Jennifer can forgive me . I know we won 't ever have a close relationship , like Pammie and Karen and I have , I have felt intimidated by Jennifer ever since she was about 16 years old . At least we can be pleasant to each other and loving in some kind of way . The other day when Pammie called , one thing she said , " I think now would be a providential time to send that card to Jennifer . " So , I did . I made a " Missing You " card and mailed it this morning , so she will get it tomorrow , when she is home alone . Inside , my words were carefully chosen . It has to be ME taking all the blame , and that 's all right . I will not imply that she misunderstood , even if she did . There is no need here to score points or try and reason / explain to her . That is not at all necessary . I want my child back . She feels I was wrong and that is that . It 's all good . I ordered 2 pair of dress pants for summer wear . One white and one sort of khaki color . The white ones have a fabric stripe running down them - - really quite chic looking . I 've always worn Tall sizes . My inseam is 34 inches . I know - - it is ridiculous ! I am short from shoulder to bottom and long the rest of the way . Fred wore a 32 length and he was taller than me . My friend Ernie was only 5 ' 8 " and yet when we sat down , he was taller than me . The last couple of pairs of Jeans I have ordered were 14T - - misses size . They fit perfectly in length and not too baggy in seat and thighs . I order the slim cut . So , last week , I ordered these two pair of Worthington dress slacks . 14T . They arrived today and are at least 2 inches too long ! I suppose nowadays , women wear 3 inches spikes with their trousers ? Why anyone nearly six feet tall would want to wear 3 inch spikes is beyond me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anyway , I have been hemming these pants all afternoon . Quite luckily , they were hemmed with a nice hem tape , so all I had to do was cut away the stitches that held them to the pants , move the hem up a bit and re - stitch them with tiny little stitches . I have always enjoyed hand stitching and my mother taught me how to put in a hem that stitches wouldn 't show on the outside of the pants . It occurred to me this afternoon that I have no dress shoes to wear with the pants . I can 't very well wear my New Balance sneakers to some of the graduation celebrations - - for example , Baccalaureate . I need a nice sandal to wear . Because of my hips and having to wear lifts in one or the other shoe , I haven 't worn anything except sneakers and loafers for the last five years . I do have a pair of sandals - - probably 15 years old . Tomorrow I am going to get them out of the closet and see if I can clean and polish them up . If not - - it will be a quick trip to Wal - Mart to see what they might have . My feet are not pretty anymore , even though I still polish my toe nails - - I can 't remember if my sandals have a full heel or not . Oh botheration ! ! ! My Daddy was a farmer . He wore bib overalls all the time . He didn 't wear a belt that he could just yank out of the loops and use when punishment was meted out . We DID have a Willow tree , which could have been used for switches I suppose , but apparently Daddy wanted something that was within reach and handy . It was called THE RUBBER HOSE . It was the hose part off an old tire pump . Luckily , the metal ends had been cut off or it would have been deadly . As it was , when wielded , THE RUBBER HOSE stung like a hundred bees and left welts , but no cuts . In the kitchen , there was a ledge with coat hooks on it , right near the table . THE RUBBER HOSE lay , straight as a big , black snake on top of that ledge . All Daddy had to do was reach up and get it . Our kitchen table was only about six feet long . Daddy sat on one end , Mother on the other , nearest the stove , and I sat in the middle of the side . Here we sat - - within easy reach of each other AND the food , but , there was no reaching for food . You had to ask , " Please pass me the bread , " although it was about six inches from the top of Daddy 's plate . I was the much awaited first girl child born to my Daddy 's family in three generations . I suppose there was much weight put on me to be brought up to be obedient , have impeccable manners , and quiet . This darling little blond haired girl with beautiful ringlets put in her hair every morning and always in a cute dress , was not living up to their concept . Thus , the need for strict discipline to ensure that end . One afternoon , after a whipping from THE RUBBER HOSE , for something I do not remember - - I was about six at the time . I sneaked that odious thing outside and commenced to bury it in the garden across the drive . I must not have been a very clever minded child as I didn 't take it far away to bury it and my Mother observed me through the window . He got up from the table , went outside and to the flower garden , reached down and pulled that snake from the dirt . I got as far as the living room before he caught me and gave me a couple slaps on the legs with it . Then he calmly , went back into the kitchen and sat down to eat his supper . Mother started supper and I laid down on the couch and fell asleep . It seemed like only minutes and Daddy was back inside and Mother was calling me to come to supper . I was still very drowsy , but I walked out to the kitchen , trying to rub my eyes awake . I reached for my glass of milk and of course , as I often did , tipped it over . Daddy rapped my hand with the knife handle , while Mother got up to get a towel to clean up my spill . I was an extremely nervous child at meal times - - I wonder why ? I didn 't eat much because my throat would close up and my tummy would feel sick . Just as I was about to open the door , Daddy was behind me and slammed it shut in front of me . Then he raised his hand with THE RUBBER HOSE . That took his hand off the door and I opened it and ran inside . Just then , he slammed the door and the end of my right index finger was in between the door latch and the frame and it was cut off . Mother came running in and got a washcloth wet and put it over my finger . Of course , it wouldn 't quit bleeding . She sat me down on the toilet lid and went back out into the kitchen . Mother tied a string just under the cut off part and wrapped a towel around it . Daddy picked me up and carried me to the car . The hospital was in Durand , only about twelve miles away . It was a Sunday , so Mother told Daddy maybe we should stop and call and see if the hospital was open . If it wasn 't , then we would have to go on to the next town , twenty miles away . Daddy carried me in and upstairs to the operating room and laid me on the table . The doctor and nurse were there . I was still crying and yelling and the doctor put three numbing shot in my finger , which made me scream even louder . Daddy almost fainted , so they made him leave . They cleaned up the ragged wound and stitched it up . The doctor told Mother that I probably wouldn 't have a finger nail on that finger . ( Unfortunately , there must have been enough left in the nail bed to give me that awful looking , thick , nub of a nail . ) When we got home , my Grandma was there . She had driven up , gone in the house , saw the table still set with the food . Saw the blood all over the bathroom and knew something bad had happened , so she sat down and waited for us to get home . I had to go to the doctor 's office twice a week for a couple of weeks . Each time , he 'd take the bandage off , soak my finger in Iodine and then redress it . Once or twice , he had to cut the " proud flesh " off , where it was growing out of the wound . These visits were very painful . The Iodine bath was awful . On one of these visits , when the doctor came into the room and started toward me , I started screaming and crying and then kicked out at him . His solution - - slap me across the face . My short index finger has never hampered me . The only change I had to make was learning how to use a pencil by gripping it with my thumb and middle finger and let my index finger lay on the top of the pencil . Of course people notice and ask and I just say it was the result of a childhood accident . Kids notice it more than anyone and I use it to tell them how to be careful , to not slam doors , and make sure your fingers aren 't sticking out when they close a door . I don 't know why my Daddy was so severe with me . He was never even spanked as a child , so he didn 't grow up in an abusive atmosphere . He used THE RUBBER HOSE on me on many occasions . The last time - - I broke curfew a week before I was to be married . He met me at the front door and hit me all over my shoulders and back . Remember , back in the 80 's when it became popular for the psychology community to have mature children confront their parents about how they were raised ? Remember that ? I thought that perhaps if my Daddy and I had one of those kinds of talks - - it might help me . He might be able to explain his actions and why he was so strict , critical and acted like he didn 't like me . He never treated my little sister like he had treated me . " Daddy , it was the night of Great Grandma 's ninetieth birthday . It was on a Sunday . October twenty - eighth . You couldn 't have been deer hunting . Deer season doesn 't open until November fifteenth . " So - - the moral of this story is : there is none . If you had a Daddy that treated you like you were his Princess and loved you and let you know it - - be very grateful . Because if you had a critical , what you felt was an unloving Daddy , it has influenced the rest of your adult life - - in the way you relate to important men in your life . . and those relationships , most probably , haven 't been good ! Bella - - I have a bone to pick with you ( that 's a weird saying , isn 't it ? ) - - anyway , I started reading " The Age of Miracles " last evening . You are right . 2 : 00 a . m . and I finally made myself put it down and go to bed . WOW ! ! It is a fascinating read ! ! They have also found that the church school was using an old way of testing the children , ( Iowa testing ) so their grades and GPA 's were inflated . Many teacher 's left and now a lot of classes are taught by mother 's . Many families have pulled their children from the school and have also left the church . To me this is a real tragedy . To realize after all this time that you thought your child was getting a superior education only to find out , they are far behind other children their age . How are they ever to catch up in public school . The kids are thrilled to be going to public school this next fall . Their classes , especially this last year , have been chaotic to say the least . There has been a large influx of troubled children enrolled . Children that other schools had refused to take because they needed a different , special atmosphere - - for the Autistic , or the developmentally challenged , or emotionally troubled . There has been much sadness and shocking news to the family that had embedded themselves and their money and time in the church and school . As the Mother said , " We have been drinking the Kool - Aid for five years and now we find . . . it was poisoned all along . " For the fifth time in 14 years , the parents had thought to move and the father to go to work for his father . The Grandfather is very wealthy . He has many offices and he has wanted his son to take over the business , but . . . he won 't release his hold . He won 't allow his son to come in with new ways of treatment . Ways that are more modern and have proved to be better . He still wants control . Each time , the son has realized this and in the end , decided to stay where he was . The Grandfather took the son and two of his children on spring vacation to Aruba , where he had long talks with the son . Promising the son many things . The son thought , perhaps this time , his father was ready . He and the Mother thought to move . Two weeks ago , the Grandfather has started reneging on his promises . Salary pay was lowered . Control was back in his favor , so the Father and Mother decided to keep their family here . With their eldest son starting high school next fall , they wanted to be in a permanent location so as not to disturb the children during their school years . So here they will stay . The older sister mentioned , " This minister that you now find out is mentally unstable , is the same one that told you not to forgive your Mom . That " honor thy Mother , " did not come into play . " The Mother , nodded her head and said , " It probably would be a good idea if I made up with Mom . " This happens from time to time and I can 't figure it out . What happened during the night that caused me to wake up feeling these emotions - - when there is NO REASON for me to have these emotions ? It makes no sense ! I have had a couple of therapists tell me that when we sleep , our sub - conscious mind awakes and tries to work out and deal with what we do not address in our waking moments . Apparently there is something going on in my mind that I am not thinking of or trying to ignore in my wakeful moments ? Just weird ! ! I missed church and really didn 't care . My neighbor 's were mowing their lawns and that angered me . Why do they have to do that on a Sunday . They were home yesterday , why didn 't they mow then ? In my state of mind today - - all sorts of little things make me angry . I ordered this and it arrived Saturday , so I decided after lunch to go out and try it . Works great ! ! ! I cannot get down on the ground to weed with my hand trowel . I cannot get down on my Scoot ' n Do little wheeled seat to weed with my hand trowel . This works and after I loosen up the dirt , I only have to bend down once to pull out the weed / grass . I came in and sat down to watch the baseball game and decided to cross stitch . It just doesn 't feel right to be doing hand - work in this kind of weather . Being nestled inside during the winter months , is conducive to stitching or crocheting , but . . . not in this kind of weather . So , I read a few chapters of a new book I have , the last in the " Walk " series by Richard Paul Evans . This has been a very good series of books - - I have enjoyed them immensely . They read so easily . The plants on my porch are looking real good - - pots filling out nicely . The gardening centers around here refuse to sell Impatiens because a couple of years ago they ran into a dust mold thingie . I bought mine at Lowe 's and there is not one thing wrong with them . Next year , I go to Lowes and Wal - Mart first to get my annuals . The fancy gardening centers will not be visited unless I cannot find exactly what I want at the other places . I walked up to visit Pearl this morning and she was in a really bad mood ! " I 've been married fifty - nine years ! Merle has never been one to ever compliment me , but now . . . . that man is getting so mean ! " " Oh yes . He doesn 't show it to the world , but . . . . . It exasperates me when I ask him a question and he doesn 't answer . I know he hears me - - he just won 't answer . All it would take it a Yes or No or I don 't know . He just sits there reading . " " I am in the process of sanding the top of the dining room table . It needs to be refinished . He comes in from work and tells me I 'm doing it all wrong . I 'm seventy - eight years old and have done this sort of thing for over forty years and HE is telling me I don 't know what I 'm doing ? " " It 's just all the time now . He told me the other day that I should just throw out the cell phone and the laptop because I was too stupid to use them . I had plants that I needed to get in the pots and I asked him if he 'd pick up the heavy bag of dirt and pour some in the pots and he said , " Next year I don 't think you should plant anything if you have to ask for help ' " " Sweet ? I 'd like to bash him up side the head . Sometimes I get sort of shaky , I am so angry at him . I want to throw something at him . We sit here at night . . . three feet apart . . . and he won 't talk . . . won 't answer me if I ask a question . . . just ignores me . I just want to get up and slap him ! " He was supposed to help her weed her front garden - - two weeks ago - - hasn 't done it yet . I am going down next week and do it . Pearl can 't bend over . Pearl is still dizzy from her fall . I can 't bend over very well , but I can do it better than her . Tonight I went outside to see if I could see the Meteor Shower . I stood and looked up so long that I made myself dizzy . Can you still stand and look up and not feel unsteady ? I saw a few , zipping through space , but the one thing I did notice . . . the star that connects the cup to the handle of the Big Dipper is very dim . I know , it has been 30 years since I used to lay outside on the lawn , at night and look at the stars and it was bright them , but . . . . . knowing it is fading , sort of made me sad . My Forsythia didn 't bloom . My Lilacs hardly bloomed . My Privet hedge looks dead , as do my Rose Of Sharon bushes . Stars are growing dim and dying . . . and so am I . I think I need to go to bed , instead of pondering ! An unfinished woman . I figured by now , I 'd know it all - - but it seems everyday , something either changes or something new comes along for me to tackle . I still haven 't figured out who I am or what I want to be . I just know , I am putting one foot in front of the other and going - - ever forward . We managed to get two rainy days in a row . It 's just what the lawn doctor ordered . Everything is green and lush again . It looks like a rain forest outside . . . This apron was made in April ( ? ) . Time is just passing me by it seems with so many appointments and early morning trips to the eye clinic . The second su . . . Well it 's been a little over a month since my last post . Seems to be my pattern now , once a month ! Work has been stressful but that 's nothing new . My cowor . . . My life is not without challenges . Like so many of us , there are many more challenges than I would like . But I sit here today and I look out at the sun s . . . I 'm still working on Ukrainian Easter Eggs . I 'm so happy to be able to make them . I still have difficulty getting a good photo of the eggs , though . . . . My oldest daughter 's father has died . He is not the one who molested the girls , he was just a deadbeat dad . Ever since I left him he had struggled to liv . . . Tis the season you guys . . . . I have not forgotten . . . . Angel Man who keeps me sane all year round . This year I would just like to lick him lol . . . what is w . . .

another one . No several , are there to take its place . To tempt me . To distract me . To allure me . And then those are replaced by the next ones . The current is strong . I am drowning under a sea of ideas . The current idea is there . But it is fading under the weight of the ones coming right behind it . Do I even want to finish it ? I don 't . Do I even want to fight the current anymore . I don 't . I don 't . I can 't . I won 't . I am drowning under the weight of the lack of importance the creator places on me , the idea . I am the idea . The idea that the creator no longer cares that much about anymore . Old news . There is a new kid in town . The teen idol . The big movie star . The hot idea and concept . They are fresh . I am old . Long forgotten . I am a flicker of hope every now and then . The odd time I am remembered , by the creator , or asked about by others . " Oh , that . Don 't bother with that . I liked that idea once , but other more interesting , better ones came along . Just forget that one , it is going nowhere . " So , I wont ever become anything but an idea who sounded great but never developed . The caterpillar turns into the butterfly . I won 't ever be the butterfly . I wont get to fly . I will just drown . Be forgotten . Buried . Today , I drowned . I just couldn 't swim anymore . The rushing water got too high . I swam faster , the current increased its speed . No dam and no dyke was going to stop this . I was on the wrong side of the creation flow . Washing away , fading away into the depths of the bottom of the sea . Just floating now . Lifeless . The flood washed me out into the open sea and buried me . I was now just going to swim with the fishes . I have been reduced to fish food . Which is okay . My brain is now mush anyway . I about me . I am just one of the many droplets in the sea that formed together due to negligence . We exist out here , so that other hopeful ideas have a place to drown . Both the idea and the creator get drowned by the overflow of ideas which cannot be kept up with . Whatever is fresh , is new , is what lives to see the day . But very few live to see a future as more than just an idea . I the vain hopes of finishing them before the current , the flood , of new ones come in and overwhelm me . One day , I will just drown . Like my ideas . The price I pay for being the vessel that has to sink under the weight of extreme intuitiveness and creativity . The ideas and myself , it is our destiny . The one journey we always travel together . I looked right at him . Stared him down . He had been in my head for weeks . Months . No years . Really , had it been years ? Yes , it had been about 15 years now . Hard to believe he had that power over me . Fifteen fucking years . He had controlled me . Dictated to me . Stole my time . How in the hell did he do that ? I still had no answers . In a way , he had stolen my youth . I looked him in the eye again . This time , I wasn 't budging . He wasn 't flinching . It was a true standoff . He seemed to be stronger than me . Much stronger . Almost like he had no heart , no soul . But a brain and a resolve to just keep dominating me . least , I could walk away from it . No , it seems I could not . I couldn 't go a day without his control over me . Whatever power he had over me , he exerted it at all times . Even when I was not in his presence , he had me . I could just feel him sucking out my energy , my resolve , as we stared each other down . I got weaker . He seemed to stay the same . Never wavered . That was it . He never changed . He was the constant . If anything , he got stronger , better , faster , I went , the stronger his hold got . But he didn 't seem to care either way . That was his strength . He wasn 't emotional about it . He acted like he didn 't care , which made me think it wasn 't a big deal that he had stolen my youth . just kept staring . This went on all day . We both had extreme resolve . He seemed to be staying strong . I felt a weakening inside me . I had to walk away . Now . I turned , looked away from his stare and began to edge away . He didn 't try to hold me there , he just got inside my head , one more time , to make sure I knew he was still the boss . And he was the boss . There was no doubt about that . " You 'll be back . " " No , I wont ! " " Sure you will . " " Why is that ? " " Because I have control of you , I know what you want and I am going to make sure you always want it . " " Well , good for you . But I can walk away . " " No , . . . you can 't . " " Yes , I can . " " Go ahead then , walk away . Do it ! " " Good , I will . You don 't own me . You are delusional . " " Yeah , see how that goes for you . " As I walked away , I knew he was right . The staring match was over , but he was still staring at me . I knew that , even though he wasn 't in front of me anymore . And he knew that I knew . No matter what I long as I was away , I knew he was waiting for me to come back . And I knew I would be back . I might as well go back . If I wasn 't there , all I could think about is being there . my room now . I feel free . But I am not . I am the delusional one . There is no escape . I look in the mirror . I see me . But I also see him , staring back at me . He is in every reflection , every shadow , every image . There is no escape . And he knows he has that power . That is why he can be so arrogant about it . He told me once that I wasn 't the only one . He has others . Millions . Now , billions , under his spell . That was his true power . He knew how good he was at it because he controlled so many of us . Many had tried to walk away before , but those of us who came under the spell always learned there was no walking away once he grabbed hold of you . He had become a part of you . That is how he works . He gets inside you , becomes part of you and then , like a cancer , he spreads faster than you can remove any one piece of him . It took me a long while to realize that . He had pervaded me . He does it while he pleases you , so you invite him in . Open the door . Feed him . You offer no resistance , until any resistance is futile anyway . So , there he sits , waiting , still staring , biding his time , all the while knowing that I am coming back . Knowing that even though I am not there , my mind is there . Preoccupied with him and all he brings . There is simply no escape . I am completely under his spell . I can 't ever look in the mirror and see only myself anymore . He has become part of me . And he is the bigger part of me than even I am . I don 't even know if this is me speaking anymore . I don 't even know who me is anymore . I am him , even though I want to be just me again . Is that even possible ? I don 't know . He says it isn 't , and he is smarter and more powerful than me . Maybe I should just give in and admit defeat . barely recall our first meeting . It is still very foggy . That whole time seems very foggy at this point . I remember the wonderment I had . I think he knew he had me at the first moment . He probably got most of us that way . He has something for everyone . He knows what you need . He figures that out , offers it up , hooks you in , then he has got you . Once that happens , there is no walking away . And he is so ever powerful , that there is literally nowhere you can go to get away from him . He covers all corners of the earth . And even when you do get away from him , he is in your mind . " Let me have that . " " No , you need to give in . Accept it as your fate . Then , and only then , can you have peace and contentment . I am here to stay . I am now the new superpower . Submit to me . You already have anyway . " I try to remember what it was like before him . It seems so foreign now . I remember the guy before him . He had a great hold on me too . He is still around . But he is not the superpower anymore . This guy obliterated him . I am not sure anybody can take this guy down though . He is so fucking powerful . This might be the end of all of us . It certainly feels like the end of me . Can I get me back ? I doubt it . Maybe this is me now . I have to accept that . The cancer that is him wont kill me , just remain . But can 't be removed . I have to learn to live with it . Accept it . As he says . He is starting to make sense . Of course I will think that way . He speaks for me now . I don 't really have a brain , an independent thought . He speaks for me . He thinks for me . He is writing this right now . I better watch what I say , I don 't want to make him mad . He is very powerful you know . You bet I am powerful . And I knew it right away . You have to see this kind of power up close to really understand the significance and majesty of it . to see for anyone that cared to notice . I noticed . I didn 't even know if I wanted it . That is a lot of pressure . Having that kind of control over people . But , I learned how to deal with it . I just don 't care . I am indifferent . Uncaring , unfeeling . Once you don 't care , it is very easy to destroy lives . And then you get good at it , and you kind of enjoy it . That never seems to wear off . And now , when they resist , when they beg , when they plot , trying to find any way to get out from under that superglue grip I have over their entire being , it is an even bigger rush . They don 't realize - - if they just became indifferent like me - - then they would be free . If they stopped caring about the control I have , then I would lose it . But then , they are so preoccupied with breaking the grip , they hold on to it themselves . I really don 't have to do much . I just get them hooked , like a college kid just trying cocaine once to see what it is like , I have got them . They then give over control . Let me control them without any effort on my part . The truth is that I don 't really have any control . They still have control of it themselves . They just can 't be bothered taking responsibility for that . Fools ! I am left at a loss . How do I stop this ? Can I stop this ? I don 't know . It doesn 't seem that there is anyone else who has figured it out either . I look around . We are all sheep , being herded by his power and control . And he knows it . He has something we have become addicted to . Preoccupied on . He is the foodstuff we need to live another day . It is that essential to us . Or at least we think it is . Is it ? I think it is . I don 't know . Seems like it is . Maybe if I just pulled the plug . Took away his power source . Can I do that ? I can try . What have I got to lose ? I know full well what I 've got to lose . He might decide to never come back when I turn the power back on . He has that control over me . He knows I need him . He has become essential to me . Essential , yet destructive all at the same time . Nope , pulling the power wont work . I have to change the mindset . My own mindset . I have to get back to that place . That place I was before he came along . When nobody mattered to me more than me . Where I called my own shots . Where I had control over myself . Yes , that is what I have to do . Find that place . Go to that place . That place where he can 't get to me . Where he can 't stare me down anymore . That place where the me still resides . Part 7 " nope , not surprised at all . You all come back . You need me . I know that . That is why I am so arrogant about it . " " Well , maybe I wont be back one time . " " How do you figure that ? " " I think I have found a way out . You can 't follow me everywhere . " " Oh yeah , good for you . You might be one of the lucky ones . Might . " " Well , we shall see . I think you know what I am talking about . " " I do . Go for it . I don 't need you . For every one of you that might escape , as few as you are , there are millions more that are just waiting to get trapped in the spiders web . " " Yeah , well , that is going to change . When I figure my way out , I am going to show them . Convince them that they have a way out too . " " Are you now ? Good for you . You think they will listen ? " " I think so . They are hurting like me . They want . . no . . they need a way out . They will jump at the chance . " " I wouldn 't be so sure about that . Many don 't see it like you . They are happy to be sheep . To be controlled . They live off the fix I give them . They want it . They don 't want it to end . They never want it to end . " He made some valid points . Do I want this fix to end ? I don 't know . It is so confusing . I know I want to try . I am afraid of the end result , but I know I don 't want to continue on this way . It is a risk I am just going to have to take . I have no clue how this goes , but I am certain I have to go to that place , that place I was before he got his hooks into me . I can 't be concerned with the others . Either they follow me , or become his disciples and gang up on me . For now , I journey to the place where hope lies . Where it exists . Posted by Sitting on the bench awaiting my chance . My chance will come . It has to come . I was once the best . Don 't they realize that ? They have to . I get it . There are others who are better now . I accept that . I will wait for my chance . It will come . They will take their turns , and then they will turn to me . Why aren 't they turning to me ? I get it . I am not the number 2 guy either . I know , I have fallen . A lot . I am way down the pecking order now . But still , I have to be at least the 3rd or 4th option . Surely they see that . You don 't just lose it all . I was the best . I still have it . Just put me out there , and they I will be the best again . Once I am out there , they will see . I was unhittable . I will be that again . They say I can 't pitch anymore . My arm is dead . I have no juice left in it . They are wrong . Wait until I am out there . They will see . I will blow them away . The second guy is now done . Here comes my chance . What ? Another guy ? I am better than that guy . Okay , now I am getting the message . They are not going to put me out there . What the fuck is going on here ? I think , at the very least , I have earned my chance at one more shot . But , obviously they don 't see it that way . The game is out of reach now . Four more guys have come and gone and here I sit at the end of the bench . The coach is not going to put me in . I can see that now . One day , I will be with a new team , and I will get my chance . And I will show them . I still got it . That is what I said , on the last 3 teams that I failed on . I guess I am only kidding myself . And I will keep doing that . One day , I will get it back . I have to . I just have to . " Ah , life is glorious , isn 't it ? " " well kid , it is , but it is dangerous , and fleeting . Enjoy it while it lasts , because it won 't . I have seen many like you come and go . " " Keep your head up . Pay attention . Watch out for the guy that owns this place . When he is around , hide down below some other blade . Let him get cut . Then sprout back up and make him desire you . " " Wow , that is great advice , thanks . Is that all there is to know ? " " Hardly . Stay away from those weed people . They will crowd you . They will suffocate you . And the owner doesn 't like them . He will dig them up and kill them with sprays . If you are anywhere " Again , thanks . I never thought of that . " " There is so much you need to learn kid . We can talk again , if you survive the night . I heard from the blade of grass on and green was enough . I thought they appreciated me . That I was special . " " You mean nothing to them . They can go to the store and get millions more , just like you . Where do you think you came from ? " " I never thought of that , I guess I just wasn 't thinking . I wasn 't using my head . " " Lay low kid . Weeds are stupid . They sprout up , and glorious and proud . The next thing you know , they dig them up . . or spray pesticide on them . Idiots . They not only get themselves killed , but some of my best friends " Again , thanks . " " Remember one last thing . You think I am old and worn . I am not . I just appear that way . When the owner comes around , I make like I am just new , green , proud , bright and shiny . He looks at me , then he looks away . I have survived doing that forever . " Growing up I have always loved animals . All animals . But I had a phobia about cats for whatever reason . I always thought they would scratch and bite me . I even had dreams about it . I have been bitten by dogs , which I have loved as long as I can remember , but I have never had a dream about it . And I have never been scared of any dogs . I don 't know where my cat phobia started but I avoided them at all cost when I was very young . As the years went by I just seemed to encounter the odd cat here and there , and as they all seemed friendly , I got over it . Cats are just like any other animal . if you let them come to you they will be very friendly and loving . There are exceptions to that rule and those ones let you know to back away . By the time I got my first " real " job running my Uncle 's factory I had completely gotten over the cat phobia . I liked cats . Even loved cats . At she would follow me around , while other times she would just lie around and sleep in my office . Minnie loved all things , no matter what . But she was enthusiastic and did not understand that other living things could be scared of her . There were times in our backyard at home that Minnie would chase a cat just to play with them , corner them and then get scratched on the nose . Many a time she came back in the house with a bloody nose . That never stopped her from doing it again . She was just lovable and carefree like that . In my Uncle 's factory , they had an old cat they called Maria . The sweetest and most lovable cat you ever met . And very tame . Nothing fazed old Maria . She would just make her way around the factory , and most times just lie around . She would stand up if you went to pet her , but otherwise she was very quiet and old . She had to be 15 by the time I met her . Minnie , being Minnie , went right up to her and sniffed her out . Maria , unlike most cats just lied there and let Minnie A few years later I began to train racehorses and my first stop was the barn of Joe Gasparro . I only knew of this place because a co worker of mine , Don Altman , knew Joe from way back . They were both in their 70s while I was barely 30 . Joe was different . Very different . He kept the barn although there was no one using it for a few and vehicles everywhere . When I brought my horses there to train I was the only tenant . Most of the time I was there by myself . Joe had some horses , but they lived outside and didn 't really need any care . He put one big bale of hay out for them and they ate that for weeks before he had to replace it . Other than that there was one cat , they called her " Mama " . In the days when that barn was full of tenants , she had quite a of dogs . Many a late night after I had worked all day and trained the horses until dark , I would be alone in the barn . Just me , the horses , Minnie and Mama . Minnie would chase Mama but she could never catch her . Mama was older but she was very fast and she was not about to let Minnie or any other dog eat her . She had survived barn life where most cats maybe lasted a year or two . Mama was a very sweet cat , and when Minnie was not there she would also follow you everywhere and fall asleep on your lap . where I lived . It was a good place to be , in that I knew a lot of the people there and cut down on my travel time . When I first arrived one thing was very plain . There was a lot of cats . More than thirty . The female ones were constantly becoming pregnant . There was also varying degrees of friendliness . Some cats were very friendly , others gave you the time of day but mostly because you fed them , while there were a few who were very feral and would not ever let you touch them . a barn . She was about 3 or 4 years old . She was pleasant enough but no one had ever touched her and she was very careful to make sure you never did . It was commonly held that no one would ever touch this cat . I maintained I would get her to sit on my lap while I petted her , which sounded like a pipe dream to everyone else . About 3 or 4 months went by and still I had not touched her . She would come up close to me and it was clear she wanted to be friendly , but she was not trusting enough and had a fear of humans . Because I was very animal friendly , she felt safe to live in my tack room , which really was just a stall . That is what we used for tack rooms . When I was in their tending to my equipment or feed , she just lay As summer approached it was very hot and we got to sitting down more , both in the barn and outside in the shade . At times this cat , which I had now named Sugar because she was so sweet , would just about brush up against my leg . As long as I didn 't touch her , she now had a comfort level to do that . At times I would have my hand inches from her back and she would not move . However as soon as I made the slightest contact she would still scurry off . This went on for about another month . Winter was now approaching and smart barn cats that stay alive learn to find warm blankets to sleep in at the barn . Sugar had learned it was okay to sleep in my tack room on two or three blankets . I As I was sitting in my tack room one winter day , Sugar was rubbing against my leg and my hand was loosely on her back . She was not moving . All of a sudden , she just hopped on my lap and sat there . Complete trust . She let me pet her and she moved her head into my hand . The barriers were completely gone . The cat they said no one would ever touch was now friendly . Not with everyone , but with the ones she knew she could trust . For weeks she was the friendliest and most loving cat in the barn . I went to race out of town for a few days and when I came back I noticed she wasn 't around . I asked others what had happened to her , but of course they didn 't know . Being that it is a barn any number or things could have happened . Hit by a car . Killed by a fox . Just run away . Anything could happen . Usually though , you would find a body somewhere . That never happened with her . About two weeks went by and I was cleaning my tack room and I lifted up my blankets , the ones I was not using . Deep under the blankets I found Sugar . She had died about 2 weeks earlier . I suspect she froze to death . It was a sad ending after all we had been through to gain that trust . The cat I called Sugar . At least she died having learned to trust . Many barn cats came and went over the time I trained horses . Many were friendly and nice , but she is really the only one I remember . She will never be forgotten . I hope , wherever she is that she didn 't forget me . hoops in the schoolyard . I was an adult now , but I still loved to just shootaround or play pickup . Even if the kids were much younger than me , I didn 't care . I still liked a good game of ball from time to time . In some ways , I have never grown up . And . . . I don 't want to . I am very mature and responsible , but I like to still be kid - like . A teacher was standing just around the corner , having a smoke , so I asked him what was going on . He told me they were waiting for the bus driver but he had not showed up yet . I said that was too bad and went back to shooting hoops . said I wanted to help . I am always wanting to help . Even when I probably shouldn 't , or don 't know what is being asked of me , or if I am actually capable of helping , I want to try and help . The regular driver backed out at the last minute , so they asked me if I could help . I had driven large vehicles before , so why not a bus ? I said For whatever reason , even though I was needed and supposed to drive the bus there , I did not . I was just a passenger . I don 't know why it worked that way , or remember who drove the bus to that park , but someone else did . Phew ! Half the battle was done . I had gotten myself in too deep , but at least I had a shot of pulling this off . The kids ran off and played while I ate my lunch . My Uncle Stanley was there , and he asked me if I was still okay to drive the bus back to the school . He was now giving me an out . I could get out of this , and not have to face up to the fact that I was not qualified to drive that bus . But , I told him that I was okay to drive it . I was going to do this , even though I shouldn 't be doing this . As the kids loaded back onto the bus , I surveyed the controls from the driver seat . How hard could this be ? Yes , I had never driven a standard transmission before , but I had driven a forklift in the warehouse many times , and that was standard , so I should be able to pull this off . Of course , driving a forklift in the factory meant no other vehicles , or pedestrians or even having to stop fast . I was only fooling myself this time . I had no shot at pulling this off . We had to take the highway back to the school , and at top highway speed , I was in way over my head to stop properly if something happened . Hell , whatever ! I had the emergency brake and if I stripped the gears , so what ? I would just manage and bullshit my way through things , like I always did . That was always my way . Why stop now ? All the kids were on board , and Uncle Stanley was in the first seat , first row , to my right . " Lets go " , and as he said that , I put it in gear , and we were on our way . At least I could pull this part off . I knew how to engage a clutch and move from neutral to first gear . So far , I still looked like I knew what I was doing . We moved towards the road . Now , the first test , could I merge into traffic , safely , and appear to make it look like I knew what I was doing ? What if someone cuts right in front of me ? Will I be able to stop ? Am I foolishly risking young , innocent lives by doing this , just to be my stubborn self and prove that I can pull this off ? Why am I Again , whatever ! I said to myself . Worst thing that happens is I pull the emergency brake , or slam on the brakes , and ruin the transmission . No one will get hurt . I can make up a bullshit excuse to smooth it over . It 's just a dream anyway . So , I will wake up before anything bad really happens anyway . And it is just a dream , nothing is real in a dream , just the doubts that you have when you are awake . That you can 't deny or shut down , or dismiss when you are dreaming . As time went on , I still did well , but not as well as I should have . I have some theories on that , and all of them are somewhat valid , but mostly it boils down to one thing . But more on that later . After a while of winning way more than my share with very ordinary horses , I ran into several problems . Among them was that I didn 't have my own place to stable , or adequate money or time to do what I needed to do . There was also the fact that I am very honest and horse training in today 's day and age involves a bit of cheating to succeed . But mostly , the reality was , I sabotaged myself . I raced the horses above where they could be truly competitive and make the most money , and ultimately win races . Why would I do that ? Bottom line is , as I started to do well , others wanted me to train horses for them , and the expectations that brought on me was not something I was prepared to deal with . By not doing as well as I was capable of , I solved that problem . This was not the first time I had done this , but more about that later . When I was young , I was an active child . Not the kind running around the house always bouncing off the walls . That wasn 't me . I did do all sorts of physical activities , but mostly it was my mind that was always going . To some extent , that has never changed . Like most boys I had toy Cowboys and Indians . Like most boys , I played with them and my friends , and we chose sides and fought mock wars . But after the playmates went home , I didn 't stop . My playmates were good kids , fun kids , but they weren 't me . They could not create major story lines , name the characters , create elaborate war scenes and progressions like I could . So , after they went home , I did that for myself . I had a creative side at a very early age that has persisted to this day . In addition to being creative , I was also always really good at math . I liked to also figure stuff out , and keep track of things . Many times I remember as a child being told " One day you will be an accountant " and " you should be a statistician when you grow up " . I could have been both of those things , as I am more than capable and competent at both of those professions , to this day . But I didn 't want to do it for a living , and I made that clear to anyone who asked . I have always been creative and wanted to write and create stories , as I did with the Cowboys and Indians . I have always liked keeping track of things and figuring them out , but for a personal interest , not as a career . So ended any career path in those directions very early on . Being a young Jewish boy in the early 70s , it was commonplace to find the kids talent and foster that with an eye to becoming a professional . My major natural talent was Math . I am very good at math and I always have been . During elementary school I would write creative stories and they were very good . But I was never rewarded for that . They were dismissed as just something I could do . If I did well at math I got praise for that . I never wanted it , but I got it anyway . One day in grade 3 , they gave special tests to determine skills that certain children possess . As would naturally happen , I scored very high on math . I was in grade 3 but I had a better than grade 6 level already . A week or so later , my parents showed up at school and we met in the Principals office . I had no idea what this was about , but when I got there it was clear what was going on . Because of my elevated level of math ability , I was to be taken out of my grade 3 class , and away from all of my friends who I played sports and recess with , and moved to a special class for gifted kids . I said okay to this , because that is what my teachers and parents wanted , but I never wanted it . Being a smart kid , even at that age I was crafty enough to know how to get out of such a predicament on my own . When I got to the new class , I basically tanked any test I took until they decided that it was a mistake and moved me back . When I got back to my math class for Grade 3 I made sure to never score higher than average so I would not stand out again . That original test I had taken just looked like a fluke now and they left me alone . That is until grade 7 , when we had moved and I was now in a different town , different school and had all new teachers . I guess I wanted to show how smart I was in this new setting and environment , so I was the new kid with all the answers . The teachers took note . Again , it came time to take the assessment tests . This time though , I was ready for this and wasn 't stupid . I made sure I tanked the assessment test . How did I do this ? I basically skipped one line and then by doing that got every answer wrong on one whole page , thereby lowering my score to average at best , maybe even lower than average . Because they noticed what I had done ( I wasn 't as crafty as I first had thought ) they made me take the test again . This time , I answered on the right lines , but I deliberately got enough wrong to make sure I was just a bit above average , but not special . Problem solved , and they left me alone . One of my favorite teachers , and one I remember the most , was Mrs . Rubin , the math teacher . Unlike a lot of math teachers , she taught all grades , from grade 9 up to grade 12 . We came across each other multiple times over the 5 years I was in high school . I also had many connections with Mrs . Rubin . Firstly , while she was not a beauty queen , she was an attractive woman and I had a bit of a crush on her . Second , her daughter was best friends with my cousin . So I would come across Mrs . Rubin at some of the functions for my cousin and her brothers and sisters . Mrs . Rubin was not your average teacher . She was very sharp , and recognized how good I was at math . Since I had that crush on her , I was eager and motivated to please . When a question was asked , I always had the answer ready and put up my hand . At all times through all years , she knew who I was . She knew how smart I was . However , when it came time for the test , I would only score just above average . One day she made me stay after class and asked me what was going on . I said I didn 't know , but I did , and I knew she did . She ended up letting it go . We never really spoke about it again . So what had happened ? I had learned to stop trying halfway , so I would not be moved out of the element that I enjoyed , which was being with my friends . As my life has progressed and I reflect on that , it is clear to me that I have never stopped doing that . No matter where my natural talent takes me , I always tank on some level so I don 't fall into that trap . I can think of many examples of this . When I was young , I was also a very good baseball player . A pitcher . I could throw harder than anyone and I was better than most . I was scouted young and it was expected I could be drafted if I stayed on track . With that kind of ability came large expectations . Being on the stubborn side as well , I ignored the advice that I should not pitch too much and ruin my arm , which is exactly what I ended up doing . By doing this , in retrospect , I was ensuring that I didn 't have to get to the point where performance was expected of me . In University , I had the goal to be a professional basketball coach , and I was on track for that . When I graduated , I had opportunities to pursue that , but instead I took the easy route and began working for my uncle running his factory . When that blew up two years later , I blamed him for ruining my chance to be a coach , but the reality is that I sabotaged myself again and only have myself to blame in retrospect . The trap for me is fear of expectation . As soon as I show my natural talent , things become expected of me . Those things are not always want I want to do , so I hold back and deliberately don 't achieve my full potential . I find ways to sabotage my true level of achievement . As I move forward with my new found passion ( writing scripts ) , I have come to realize that I am doing it again . In reality , no matter what I do , I stop just short of doing it to the level I actually can , and in many cases do not finish the projects I can , so I don 't have to deal with the expectation that will come with that . I have never wanted it . I have no choice . It was given to me and no matter what I do , I cannot give it away . It exists inside me . I exude it . I am riddled with it . I have tried to run from it , but it always runs faster than me and catches up . I know now , I can never run faster than it . I have given up trying to do that . Whatever I do , even subconsciously , you sense it . You see it , even when I do not . I have no clue what you see , but it is evident that you see it . You are attracted to it . . . like a moth to the light . I have it and I know that , but I cannot see what you see . When I look in the mirror I see nothing . I feel it inside , but I don 't see it on the outside . But you do . It has consumed my vision to the point that I am blinded by it . Would I want to give away the power that has been given to me ? I don 't know . So far , I have not had that option presented . I know I don 't like having it , and do certain conscious things to block the access to the power by others . But that is only temporary . I certainly cannot block it on a continuing basis . And like any other thing that is attractive to others but abhorred by the carrier , over time it surfaces . Again and again and again . I know I never wanted it , or wished for it , or asked for it . I don 't remember a time when I didn 't have it , so it came long before I could have built a shield to resist it . Now , it seems embedded inside of me . It made its way in easily enough , but it has no will or way to escape . It appears it is here to stay . I don 't want it , but I am fully aware of how to use it . I can make you do things , want things , give me things , just from the power inside me . I hate myself for that , but I carry on using it . In many ways , I am evil for doing that . But I can 't stop . I think having that power , being granted that power means I must use it . It is beyond my will to not use it . I suppose if I didn 't , it would destroy me . So maybe it is self preservation and selfishness that makes me do with it what I will . Maybe . Maybe not . I don 't know . If I ever lose it , then maybe I can make a better assessment on a Monday Morning Quarterback basis . In the middle of it all , knee deep , I have no way of doing that . It is so consuming to have it , there really is no chance for meaningful reflection . Just as it is easy to say that the quarterback should have done X or Y , that quarterback only had split seconds to make that decision . It 's a lot easier to figure it out after the fact . No pressure , no time constraint . You love it . I hate it . I have it . You want it . Kind of seems like it is misplaced . Like most things in life it has not found a rightful owner . Like most things in life , it never will . You always knew when my dad pulled into the driveway . We had a large garage , with an automatic remote opener . You could hear the garage make its way up the track . It was very loud . My bedroom was just above the garage and Mickey and Velvet would come running into my room barking up a storm . Those dogs loved my dad . This night though my dad wouldn 't be home for dinner . He had a busy restaurant and had been working late hours . Once baseball season started he would make time , but for now he was burning the candle at both ends . My sister and I rushed to the kitchen where the phone was . My mother slumped on the floor , the phone hanging down . She was trying to speak , but she was crying so hard you couldn 't understand anything . She was in complete hyperventilate mode . A few minutes passed and all she could say was : " He 's dead . He 's gone . I can 't believe he 's gone " It was the spring of 1975 , and I was only 10 . I had never known anyone who died to that point . My grandfather was the first one . And of course , it was a shock . Just like that , my grandfather went out from the variety store that he owned and operated with my grandmother to go get something from his car . He never returned . When my grandmother went out to find him , she found him dead on the backseat . Some kind of stroke or heart attack . To this day I still don 't know . And don 't care . All down the streets and towns and countries of the world , people sat and ate their dinner or played with barbies and hockey cards . Their world 's hadn 't changed that day . Another day their phones would ring . Then their world would change . I am a slave to you . From the moment I awake until the moment I sleep , you are always on my mind . Even more than that , in my dreams , you are there . Tempting me , arousing me , taunting me , distracting me . There is no escape . You are everywhere I go . You have completely infected my thoughts . There is a piece of you in everything . Even when it is not overt , you are there , to remind me that you are the boss of me . The boss of my thoughts . Maybe it was my destiny to be your servant . Only time will tell . Now lets see if you can hold my attention when the next demon comes along to distract and slay me . Others have been successful in the past , taking me away from the owner who claimed me as theirs . You are powerful . Yes . Very powerful . You are the life force and the passion that can consume even the strongest of men . It was a nice sunny day and I had chores to do . One of them was mowing the lawn . I had weeded the grass on the weekend , so now it was time to cut it and make it look polished . I have mowed the grass hundreds of times in my life . It is the same every time . Back and forth . Nothing special . One end , then turn around , and back the other way , until it is done . I love the look of a freshly cut lawn . It is just pleasing to the eye . It is one of the reasons I love golfing in the spring . The birds were lurking all around . Chirping and flying all over , it was a feast for them . We just had the first hard rain in months and the worms were rising to the surface . As I mowed the grass that day , I noticed the dew on the tops of my running shoes . Because it was August and the heart of a very hot , dry summer , the ground had sucked it all up and the grass was mostly dry . But , the worms were rising to the surface . They always did on days like this . Of course , I am not stupid . I know as I mow that I am killing all sorts of things . Little bugs , ants and , of course , worms . What I didn 't get , the birds would . It is a jungle out there , survival of the fittest , and all that . I am sure that I step on thousands of worms as I mow my lawn . And , I have killed many thousands of ants , worms , flies and mosquito 's in my lifetime . But this one time , I stopped to adjust the cord on the mower . As I did that , I saw a tiny worm , squirming as it rose to the surface , the dirt that lay cover to it now unfurled . A tiny worm , who 's brief and totally insignificant life now hung in the balance . Of course , this worm probably had no clue that it 's life was now hanging in the balance . It isn 't human and doesn 't have the thought processes that we do . Or does it ? Maybe worms , and other small creatures , like bugs and ants , are capable of higher thought processes . Do they understand fear ? Can they compute impending danger ? And then he spoke to me . The power of the voice of the worm spoke to me . He became a feeling , living thing . He just wanted to squirm , to toil in his soil . To exist . To have the life , albeit brief , that he was born to have . He asked me to spare him , to think of him , to be sympathetic to his feelings . He had a family to consider . I should think of that . I never had before , but now I was . I had all the power . He had none . I was a man , a big man . Big enough to just step on him , and end his life . So much power . Men have so much power . When I say men , I mean humans . Men and women . We can so easily hurt , and kill with the power we have . And that power isn 't just brute force . We have the power to love , and the power to hurt with love . We have the power to enrich hearts and to break them . We can destroy with war , or we can try to resolve with peace . We have the power to figure out a better way . Those are great powers , but most of us never think of the power we have within us . The power to stop . Yes , I could easily step on this worm . What is one more worm ? " war , what is it good for , absolutely nothing . " The greatest power I had was not to kill , but the power to stop myself from killing . I had rarely used that power , the power of a thought process that aims to do good , to create life , to preserve life , rather that to destroy it , crush it , take it . So , I exercised my ultimate power , my greatest power . The power I had that day was not to kill a worm , but to save a worm . Just one worm , but one worm who would likely produce thousands of worms , and thousands of worms who would go on to produce millions of worms . My power was now creation , not destruction . " think about it , there must be higher love . " I let him live , and in some way , I am sure I will reap the benefits that karma will bring me for that . Maybe he will do what worms do . Whatever that is . Whatever their purpose is , I am sure that I will get the benefit of letting him get that destiny . My parents never had the best relationship and at some point it had to end . That came in 1986 . At that time , money was a bit tight . By then , my sister had gotten married and moved out , and we had three empty rooms in the house . My mother decided to generate some income by taking in some summer students from York University . Since we had three empty rooms , we took in 3 borders . They were all very different . One young guy was Italian , and spoke almost no English . He was nice enough and a good house guest , but I don 't remember much about him . A second guy , Dan , was about 22 or 23 and was an American . I can 't remember why he was here to study , but he was and it wasn 't to learn English . He might have been the one teaching English at the University , but I am not sure either way . He was an interesting young guy , although he did keep to himself and to his room most of the time . At this point in our lives , even though my parents had split up , my father was still in a lot of trouble and we had to deal with a lot of that . It was my mothers opinion that maybe Dan was a plant , a spy for the government to try and get some dirt on my father by listening to our conversations and reporting back . I don 't know if that was ever true . I doubt it was , but he did learn a lot about our family . He even mentioned later on before he left that he realized we thought he could be a spy . Later in the fall , when something happened with my father ( which I will go into in another story ) , we had to run to Chicago the next day , and Dan came along . A bit after that , for whatever reason , and one I can 't remember , he moved out and on with his life . We never heard from him again . The third border was a French woman from Quebec named Jocelyn . She spoke broken English . She was clearly French and she was in the news business but wanted to learn English so she could advance her career . That is why she was taking the English classes at the University . My memory is that she was somewhere around 27 or 28 . I was 21 at the time . Although she spoke very poor English , she was very friendly and chatty . I got to know Jocelyn a bit , as I was always good at relating to women , especially older women . Jocelyn confided in me that while she had a boyfriend back home in Quebec it was not going well and she was not satisfied . Part of the reason she came here was to get away from it all and take a break from him . I heard many conversations over the phone when they would fight , and she would be in tears . We did have some attraction , but nothing was happening for the first month to six weeks she stayed with us . I got the sense that because I was much younger than her , she was holding back . She did drop me hints that she was interested , and many times came out of the shower in a towel that revealed quite a bit for me to see . My room was just outside that shower and she knew I would see her if she did that . I remember it being a very hot summer . Boiling hot in fact . Jocelyn liked to sit out in the sun every day . I spent a lot of time outside practicing my golf swing and just generally getting some sun myself . That summer I worked for my uncle at his factory , so I could take days off if I wished . And I did wish that . I liked to enjoy my summer and had made more than enough money by mid July for next years tuition and books . Jocelyn liked to sunbathe topless . She did lie on her stomach , but at times , she would turn over and I could see her breasts and she was very well built . Of course , being a young guy raging with hormones , I noticed that . I didn 't know if she knew I could see her , but I assumed she could . There was a room that faced out to the backyard where she lied on a towel on the grass , and I could watch her from there . I did that a few times . It was a hot and sunny summer with very few rainy days , so this was a daily occurrence for Jocelyn . She got braver and braver as the summer went on and at one point would just lie on her back for quite some time topless . She had to know I could see her , but she didn 't seem to care . At all times she did this , Dan and the Italian guy were at school , so she knew I was only one home . I decided to take a day off and go golfing , but that day turned into a very rainy day . I could not golf , nor could Jocelyn sunbathe that day . I went down to the kitchen to make lunch and she was in the den , across from the kitchen , reading . She always liked to read , even when she was laying out in the sun , she was always reading a book . I said hi and asked her what she was reading as I waited for my plate of french fries to cook . She showed me . It was an erotic story about two lovers who met by accident . While she chatted and looked at me , I noticed she didn 't have a bra on , or any underwear . She clearly noticed that I noticed that . There was some sexual tension , but I was not going to make any move , especially on a house guest who was 6 or 7 years older than me . I ate my fries and offered her some . She took a few and then I took the rest up to my room . A few minutes later , while I was listening to the radio , I heard a knock on my door . I told her to come in , and she did . She asked if she could have more fries , sat next to me and took them off my plate . I could feel her naked leg rub up against mine . We both felt that . I nodded that I did . She leaned into me and we kissed as she moved my hands under her top and onto her breasts . I had been with a few girls , but never a real woman like Jocelyn . Of course I had fantasized about her many times , but now it was happening . I was extremely hard and she reached over and felt that . I was a jock , so I didn 't date much . I loved girls , I always have , but sports was always more important to me . The few I did date and have sex with were very inexperienced like me , so it was basic and clumsy sex . I simply did not know any better at the time . Again , I nodded yes . I had been with girls , as I said , but none really knew what to do . I had never had a blowjob , but obviously she knew what to do , and I was going to let her lead . I was at her mercy . She took off my shorts and began to suck me , at the same time lifting off her long t shirt to reveal her naked body to me . I had never seen a woman like that up close . On my mind was that I had no condoms , so I knew where this was heading and I had to decide whether to fuck her and take that risk or stop when the time came . Luckily for me , she made that decision for me . She sucked me until I came and had me suck on her boobs for a short bit , then abruptly got up and left the room . She said nothing as she did that , but she smiled at me . I was pretty much in a stake of shock over the whole thing , but I went with the flow . Two days passed and we smiled at each other but said nothing about the incident in my room . She had about 6 days left to go before she was heading back home . I still did not know what to do . But being the experienced one , she did . I was sleeping and it was very late , about 2am . The tv was still on . I always slept with the tv on . I always have . As I rolled over I felt a hand on my back . Jocelyn was standing in front of me , completely naked , with her hands on her breasts . She removed the covers from me and moved my hands onto her breasts . She motioned for me to kiss them , which I did . She was in complete control and I was to do whatever she wanted , and she knew that . She didn 't have to ask me twice , that is for sure . I had been dreaming of this moment all summer . We began to kiss as she was now on top of me , she leaned back and motioned for me to start licking her . I had never done that before , but I was willing . She was going to teach me how to be a good lover , and she did exactly that . As I began to lick her , she guided me and instructed me on how to do that . She was neither shy or in any mood to let me off the hook for being an inexperienced , clumsy lover . As I went along , I learned what she liked and just did that . It was a lesson I learned that day that has served me well over time . After a while , she just pushed me back and told me it was time to fuck her . And I did . We spent most of the night doing that , and I guess she was surprised how long I could last . At 6am we were still going , the sun was about to rise and others were sure to be up soon . She got dressed and left to go back to her room . Outside , Dan was there and he saw her come out of my room . He never said anything about it , but he looked at me differently from that day forward . That was our only night together . She made that clear . We weren 't going to do that again , and she was going home and we would never have any contact again . And we didn 't . I always wondered what happened to her , and I tried to look her up , but have never seen anything in the media to suggest her career went anywhere . I guess she didn 't learn enough English that summer to make a difference . I however , learned plenty about the language of love . Back in University my mother had coaxed me into getting a winter job to earn some extra money while I was in school . Money wasn 't tight , but my father had been gone for about two years and the flow was running a bit dry . I was always a hard worker and didn 't mind giving up my Sunday 's to make 40 bucks . Yes , 40 bucks . It wasn 't much , but it was spending money for the week . This meant getting up at 7am and going on Sundays to the Stouffville flea market . Many times it was cold , very cold , although the market was inside , so the day was warm enough once we unloaded the goods to the booth . Harem Pants My mother had a friend , Patricia , whom she played Monday night Mahjong games with . Patricia 's husband , Alex , was known to be one of the big shots in the flea market world . He did all the flea markets and had his own brand of sweat pants ( harem pants ) , which were very trendy with women . He also sold his assortment of boots , shoes , shirts , pants and all sorts of other things that were slightly seconds . They were good quality , but they usually had some slight defect . Such was the nature of the flea market . So , off I went one Sunday to the Stouffville flea market . I was to go the first week with Alex and work with his helper , David , who was a bit younger than me . David was about 17 , while I was 23 . David lived in Stouffville , just a bit down the street , so he was reliable in that he always showed up , but not responsible enough that he could be left alone to run the show . Being that he lived in Stouffville , he also was not going to drive the truck to and from Toronto . Alex needed someone who could do that , and do that cheap , and would be reliable . I was that guy . The first week I basically observed and helped . I had some customer service experience . I had worked at the A & P , Baskin Robbins , Petro - Can gas station and various other menial kids jobs to that point . But I had never worked a job selling anything . I was more service than selling to that point . And this was certainly a different kind of selling than you did at The Bay or Eatons . I learned quickly that whatever price you quoted to the customer , they wanted a deal . It came with the territory . It was the flea market mentality . You learned that right away , and I was a very fast learner . Unloading took forever , but loading back up took almost no time at all . We usually sold more than half the stuff we brought , so loading up meant just packing up the tables and a few leftover goods , mostly different boot sizes that didn 't sell that week . The stuff sold itself and most of the day was quiet . It wasn 't a lot of money , but it was easy money . I worked the whole winter until school was finished in May . By that time , there was also a Saturday market as well in Stouffville and I was doing those as well . Saturday was an outdoor market , as was Sunday when the weather got better . That is where the real money was . The crowds were much bigger and so was the profit . There were days in the spring when we would take in more than $ 10000 , whereas a good day in the winter was 800 bucks . However , the pay stayed the same . As June approached , Alex asked me if I wanted to work full time , 7 days a week , doing all the different flea markets that opened up when the weather got better . I said I would , but the money had to improve . A summer job was the way I could afford to pay for school , and 40 dollars a day was not going to cut it . We settled on 80 a day , plus paid meals , and that was really good steady money . I made enough that whole summer to pay for all my tuition , books and meals for the whole year . It was long , hard days , but it was fun and the money was good . And , of course , you met a lot of interesting people , and . . . a lot of girls . A lot of horny girls . We did many flea markets in those days . Saturday and Sunday were still Stouffville , Wednesday was Snellgrove , which was a busy but small market , more like a carnival than actual market , Thursday was Elmale , which was very near Wasaga Beach , which was very busy and also great for meeting girls and having a fun time after the market closed , Friday was variable and we did some others . Monday I don 't remember , but Tuesday , well , Tuesday is the one that I will always remember . Aylmer , Ontario Tuesday was the day we did Aylmer . Aylmer was one of the biggest markets , and also one of the farthest . It was two hours drive each way , and we had to get there very early , and stay very late . It was also secluded . Even though this was 1988 , the town still seemed stuck in the 1920 's . It was farming country and on top of that it was Mennonite country . The flea market really was the shopping mall for the area , and from the morning until night we were very , very busy . It was so busy and profitable that we were allowed to hire local kids to load and unload the truck for us . We just did setup . We had 3 booths at this market , to cover the whole market , and we were always busy . Because it was such a big market , all the regular vendors we saw and knew at the other markets did this one , so we were very welcome there and felt right at home . At the end of the night , all the vendors would go out for dinner and the owners didn 't mind buying , everyone made money . Lots of money . Many nights we ate at Swiss Chalet . Things went along smooth for about 6 or 7 weeks . Pretty routine . We would arrive early , sell all the goods , go get dinner and then share the driving home . By this time I was working with Chris . Chris was an interesting guy . Good guy . Stand up guy . He was smart , but didn 't have any education . He was Alex 's right hand man . He was my age , maybe two or three years older and we got along well . The flea markets were Chris 's life . He knew every aspect of it and he did it well . Chris was also a very big guy , both in terms of height and weight . Nobody messed with Chris . We never had to worry about anybody getting out of line when we were on the road or at flea markets we didn 't know well . Chris had a reputation . You didn 't want to mess with him . In a bar fight , he was going to win that bar fight . He never had to prove that as long as I knew him , but you knew he earned that reputation well . I did almost all the markets with Chris , unless we had a day where there were two markets in different areas . Then we would split up . Chris also liked to golf , so on our rare days off , or before we had to go to a night market , we would go golfing together . We became great friends . Because Stouffville was such a busy market in the spring and summer , we needed extra help . Alex 's son Danny helped at times , but he was a spoiled brat who didn 't want to work , and didn 't when he could get away with it . Danny had a friend , Little Mikey , who also came . He did work hard and when it came time to do Aylmer , we would bring him with . Mikey was different . He wanted to be cool , but he wasn 't . That would come back to haunt us by the end of the summer . The only thing that made Aylmer appealing to me as the weeks went on was a pretty little blond girl who kept making eyes at me . She worked the french fry stand , and we talked every now and then . It was no secret she wanted to go out with me , but she was a local and I was only there once a week . When the summer was gone I would not be there at all . She was also 17 and I was 23 , so I thought the better of it , even though I was interested in her . Each week I enjoyed seeing her and getting that attention . After a while , she ( Cathy ) just faded away , because I was not responding to her advances . Towards the end of the summer we had 3 more weeks of Aylmer to go before school started again for me . Chris would continue to do Aylmer , although it was a much smaller market once school started up again . As I said , Aylmer was a Tuesday market , and this one particular week we didn 't have a Monday market to do . Being that it was the last major week of the summer , we knew it would be very busy this time . We decided to play golf early Monday morning and then head up to Aylmer and get a hotel the night before . Alex said he would pay for it . It was also little Mikey 's 16th birthday , so Chris and I had planned on getting him drunk in the hotel . It was my task to go out and buy a 60 of Vodka , which I did . To this point I had also never drank any alcohol , as I was never a drinker . Chris was a major drinker , and he could drink 10 beers and they would not phase him . I saw him do that many times . Little Mikey was all excited that he was going to get to drink for the first time , and we had him convinced that some of Cathy 's friends were going to be at the hotel , and he would be " getting some " . That was a lie , and was never going to happen , and didn 't . We made our way to Aylmer and arrived around 5pm . We had snacks , but no real food to mention . Chris ordered a pizza . I didn 't , and have never liked pizza , so I just ate chips all night . That would come back to haunt me later . Once we settled in the drinking began . Little Mikey was all gung ho to start drinking , but after one drink , he went off to the bathroom and then passed out . So much for that . That left Chris and I . Of course , the rest of that night is very foggy . We did have orange juice , but that ran out quickly . Since it was just Chris and me , we drank the whole 60 by ourselves . Most of that , straight . No water . No orange juice . Straight . And it only took about an hour . We were as intoxicated as you can be . In reality , I was lucky I didn 't die that night . I could have poisoned myself to death . I was also eating a lot of potato chips that night . Chris ate the whole pizza I don 't even remember passing out . I do remember that we did finish the whole 60 and that Little Mikey slept in the bathtub . We were supposed to get up at 5am and be to the market by 6am . That didn 't happen . I woke up at 6 : 30 , but Chris and Little Mikey were still wiped out . As I looked around the room , it was a total disaster , like something out of a crazy bachelor or house party . Boxes everywhere . Chips everywhere . Glasses everywhere . And we had puked , everywhere . There was no time to clean it up , and we would have to do that later . I woke Chris and Little Mikey and we headed out to the truck within 10 minutes . We needed to get to the market , which was only 10 minutes away , and get set up before Alex arrived . But , we were still totally drunk . Except for Little Mikey , who had not drank anything . The problem was , he didn 't have a drivers license . He told us he knew how to drive , and I had seen him do that around the parking lot at the markets , so , being that we were still so drunk , we let him . As we got down the road , it was clear he didn 't know how to drive . It was dangerous . Both Chris and I could drive , but if we got pulled over we would have been in major trouble . Even though it was 8 or 9 hours since we had drank anything , we were both clearly still over the limit . And both of us were not really in good condition to drive . We felt sick , and it was going to be a long day working the market on the busiest day of the year , with a gigantic hangover . As we got about halfway , Mikey stopped the truck and got out . Chris took the wheel and started driving . Mikey got back in and sat in the middle seat . I started to feel sick . I had never drank any alcohol , not to mention half a 60 of Vodka in one hour . I had to throw up , but I knew I could not do that in the truck . As Chris drove , I opened the truck door and threw up onto the road . Worst 10 minutes of my life . We arrived at the market . Alex was not there yet , so we found some kids and got them to unload the truck . We were not really that sick at that point , but we were certainly hungover . It felt like someone was taking a jack hammer and banging it on my head . Chris was used to this and he carried us the rest of the day . We made it okay until lunchtime and then Alex arrived . He could see we were plastered , and he just shook his head . I guess he had been there himself , so he knew and just let it go . Little did he know the mess we left in the hotel room . I went to get some lunch , and I saw Cathy at the fry stand . She just looked at me and laughed . She could see it . Hell , everyone could see it . Finally , the day was over and we went back to the hotel room to get our stuff and head home . If only it was that easy . The hotel manager was waiting there for us and made it very clear he was going to call the police if we didn 't sort that out . The bill for cleaning up the room was 500 bucks , and we better pay . We put it on Alex 's Visa , and we would have to explain that to him later . We made our way home and hit the sack . A very long 24 hours . Two weeks later , while cleaning up my room , my mother found the empty 60 of Vodka in my closet and was distraught . She thought I had become an alcoholic . I explained the whole story , and told her that she needn 't worry . That was the last time I was going to drink anything . And other than the odd very light drink , I have never really drank alcohol since . After that summer , I never saw Little Mikey again , and barely saw Chris . The next summer I worked for my Uncle in his factory and didn 't go back to the flea markets in the fall . I have never been back to Aylmer , but I will never forget that night . Ever . Posted by

Noelle was in somewhat of a pickle . She had researched the Calhoun firm ― Elijah Calhoun in particular ― before she made the appointment , but she was having second and third thoughts about hiring the firm after she got there . All her research indicated she could trust them , but big men scared the hell out of her , and the place was full of them . Helenia stood in front of the mirror . She liked this new look . The younger people used so much color in their lives that she was sure that they 'd had her in mind when they came up with it . The pink of her blouse , the green of her pants … she thought perhaps that she could get used to this style , unlike the other decades when women wore long billowing clothing and wigs that itched . Not to mention shoes that pinched so badly that she would sometimes go barefoot under her clothing so no one would know . Not that she cared , but it still gave her a sense of freedom . And Helenia was going to be free forever . She was still trying to decide which other outfit she was going to keep when she felt the movement of air around her . Standing as still as she could , pulling shadows from every corner around her to hide herself , she turned and looked around when she knew no one could see her . Not humans at any rate . " Hello , Helenia . It 's been a very long time . " Dante flicked at her shoulder when they both knew there was nothing on her . When he did so again , she grabbed his hand and held him tightly in her grip until he dropped to his knees . " You always did overreact . Let me go , Helenia . I do not care for being treated this way . " " Perhaps you should have thought of that before you touched me . " She bent his hand back more until she heard the bones break . His screams went unnoticed by her and the patrons of the store . They were invisible to anyone but other supernaturals . " What are you doing here ? You know that I do not like you well enough to have you around me even for a moment . " " They 're hunting you . " She let him go and asked him who was hunting her . " The Board of Vampires , they 're looking for you . They have every vampire looking for any information about you , and there 's a bonus if they have an idea where you might be staying . " " And you ? You thought to collect on it , Dante ? I should hope that you 're smarter than that . To know that to try and profit off of my demise , you 'll be dead before the next sunset . I have no more use for them than they do for me . I like it that way . " She looked around and saw that two others were watching them , vampires younger than Dante and not even close to being anywhere near as old as she was , and far less powerful . " Did you come with others ? To hope to trap me ? " He stood then , his wrist healed already , and looked to where she was looking . He must have fed before coming to catch her , she thought , but it would do him no good . The two others , both males , started toward them . " I don 't know them . They more than likely heard about the bounty on your head , and decided to collect too . " She asked him how much it was . " Twenty - five thousand points . " " So much ? " He nodded . " And all for me ? What do they think is going to happen when they send babies for me ? That I shall sit idly by and let them take me in ? " Vampires for the most part had no use for money . She had a great deal of it ; over the centuries she 'd managed to steal a great deal of not just cash , but gems and other valuables that humans used . But after a while , usually after a couple of centuries , a vampire would realize that having it for no other reason other than it was easy to come by held no appeal . She had hers to get humans , stupid animals , to do things for her . So the Board had been giving out points , or credits , to use when they had committed some crime or had not followed a rule in the strictest sense of the word . Helenia had long since stopped trying to gather points . She was so far in the hole now that even if she got a thousand a day , it would not put a dent in her bad deeds . " Noah is after you as well . " She looked at Dante just as the two babies , the younger vampires , were closing in . " He is the one that called the Board on you , from what I understand . " " I thought him dead . He is such a pussy , even for as old as he is . Christ , to think that he finally grew some balls and turned me in . Not that it will do any of them any good . I am stronger than he is by far . " Helenia hadn 't had any dealings with Noah , but she knew what he was . A vampire that stayed alone and followed most of the rules . The babies were nearly to her when she lifted her hand and blasted one of them with her power . He was nothing more than ash on the shoes of the people who continued to walk the sidewalks in the mall as if he 'd never been . She supposed , as far as they knew , he had not . The second man , stupider than the first , lunged at her , and she simply snapped his neck . If this was the best that the Board had , she was going to live for another thousand years , easily . His ash dusted the outfit that she had on . " I swear to you , Dante , there is no hope for nice things anymore . I get me something pretty to wear and these idiots just come along and mess it up . " He said nothing but looked around . She wondered if he was expecting more babies to come for her , and just grabbed three of the outfits she 'd been looking at and left the shop . Dante was right behind her . " What do you plan to do ? Go back to your lair ? " She said nothing as she moved in and out of shops picking what she wanted and sending it to her home across town . It was much easier than going around with a large bag in her hands , and it wasn 't as if she needed to keep any receipts . Helenia hadn 't paid for anything in decades . " I was wondering if you need someone to be with . I 'm between homes right now . " " Do you suppose that these shoes will match the dress that I got ? No matter . " They disappeared as well . " No , I don 't want you around me . I prefer my own company to that of idiots . " Two more stores , mostly clothing then a jewelry store , and she had all that she wanted for now . Honestly , Dante had soured it for her by telling her about the Board . She turned to him when he asked her again where she was going now . " I should have thought that you 'd know better than to try and collect on my being jailed , my friend . " He tried to look shocked , but it looked mostly like fear to her . " To think that after all this time , you still think me stupid . When all along , it was you . " Helenia let her magic go and let her body return to its true self . She felt empowered by it , the shield off her face and her body released . Dante started to step away from her , " So pretty , don 't you think ? " She wanted him to see her eating it , taking the still warm thing to her mouth , but he disappeared , just like the other two had . Frowning , she dusted the ash off her hands from his heart when it , too , was gone . " Did you honestly think that I 'd tell you anything , you moron ? " Going to her lair , she put the things that she 'd taken in the trash . Like her outing today , they 'd been ruined by Dante and his news . She could think of any number of reasons that the Board was after her , but it didn 't really matter . Helenia lived by her own rules . And soon she 'd be in charge of everything , including the humans , and it wouldn 't matter at all what they wanted . She looked at her calendar and realized how long it had been in years since that night . He would be ready for her now , her blood rendering him weak enough that she could take his seed . It seemed longer when she thought of the last time that she 'd seen him . An alpha . Watching him all night long with the people he 'd traveled with , she knew that he was going to be the one to help her create an army of monsters like her . Helenia smiled . She was under no delusions that she was anything but a monster . She had worked hard in creating herself to be one . And now that she was perfect , she wanted to make more in her image . And the alpha was going to help her . Everyone knew that wolves carried a gene that was far superior to any other shifter . Vampires had it as well , in great abundance . But a wolf also had the ability to shift and to be stronger still with his other beast . It was this beast , the wolf , that she was counting on . Her creations would be wolf beasts , and she would control them all . Making her way to the labs that she 'd set up years ago , she knew that the man she 'd put there , Basil something , would still be sleeping . He 'd been asking to go home ; his family apparently couldn 't do anything without him there . And if anything had happened to him between then and now , she 'd have to start all over . So putting him into a deep sleep had been better for everyone , mostly for her own peace of mind . And his family was no longer around to make demands on him , so that had been a plus for both of them . As she made her way by one of the big buildings , she saw an ad in the window . Staring at it for a long time , she finally stopped someone to ask them the date . There was no way she 'd messed up that badly . " October tenth . " She told him to tell her the year and when he answered her , she nearly fell backward . It hadn 't been one year as she 'd thought , but four . Fuck . There was no telling what her alpha had gotten into since then . Noelle was intimidated by the big office , mostly because of the guards in the lobby . They were big and armed . Not that she planned on doing anything wrong , but she had a fear of men that were big . " I 'd like to see Mr . Calhoun please . " The woman asked her if she had an appointment . " I do . For today at ten . " It was just shy of nine , but Noelle hated to be late . When the woman asked her to have a seat and that she 'd call him , Noelle went to sit on one of the big chairs that looked like a family of five could have used . She watched the people coming and going . An older man came in and started talking loudly about the weather . She was sure that he talked that way all the time , loud and with a great deal of humor . And everyone here seemed to know him . He stopped by the desk as she had , but he wasn 't asked about appointments but sent up to the elevator with a smile . Noelle wanted someone to like her that way . Noelle had , for the most part , been alone all her life . She worked and socialized when she had to , but she preferred her own company to that of other people . It more than likely was because of her family and the way that they 'd jump out of the smallest places to hurt her . When her name was called , Noelle made her way to the desk . It was just after nine - thirty by then , and she had to pee . But this had to be done today . Mr . Calhoun 's secretary said that this was his last appointment before December , and that would be too late . Going up in the elevator with the guard , she held tightly onto her plastic bag and hoped she was doing the right thing . " Hello , Miss Alexander . Mr . Elijah Calhoun isn 't in yet , but his brother Trent is . He wanted to know if he could help you . " She knew that name as well . But he was no longer working here , she 'd heard . Noelle asked her about it . " He helps out when necessary . And since Elijah is running slightly behind , he thought he 'd help him out . " Nodding , she was shown into a large office . As soon as she saw them , the older gentleman and the big man behind the desk , she wanted to run . They were too much and too big . Noelle turned to leave and the older man spoke . " Come on now , sweetie . You 're not gonna deny an old man a chance to sit with a pretty girl , are you ? And Trent here , he is just glad to see me today because he won 't have to eat all them delicious biscuits that his lovely wife made him . I 'm his daddy , TJ Calhoun , and we 're about as harmless as they come . " She looked at him , then at the steaming plate on the desk . " Come on back and have a seat , and let us see what we can do for you . " " I won some money . " She didn 't know why she 'd blurted it out like that . Noelle had been holding that secret for five and a half months now . " I don 't want anyone to know that I did . " " All right then . Why don 't you have a seat and we 'll figure this out ? " Trent stood up , and she moved closer to the door behind her . When he sat down , she watched him carefully . " I won 't hurt you , Miss Alexander . I promise you that . " Nodding but still not moving , she wondered why she was even doing this . She 'd been making it on her own , without the money in her bag , for years now . This money , all of it that she 'd won , would make it better for her , but she was terrified of what it might Making her way to the chair , she sat with her bag in her hand and tried to think . " I was sixteen when my stepfather left me at a party . He and my stepmother had other children of their own , and they felt that my check from the welfare office would suit them better if they didn 't have me around needing any of it . Sucking them dry is what they said I was doing to them . " She glanced at the elder Calhoun when he made a noise , and felt her face heat up . He asked her how she was both their stepchild . " My mom died after marrying him . Then he remarried a few months later and she had children of her own . I didn 't know it at the time , but they were his children , both of them . Ron is twenty now , and Daniel is two years older . I 'm telling you this so you understand why I 'm . . . I 'm afraid , Mr . Calhoun . I don 't want them to come back and try to hurt me again . " " You think they will ? " She was sure of it and said as much . " I see . And this money that you won . I 'm assuming that it 's a great deal . That it 's not just a scratch offs . " " I have those as well . When I would win some money , I would put it back in an envelope until it was close to expiring . I never cashed it all in , just enough to get by on . It was my emergency money , I guess . Every week I would buy one scratch off and one of the bigger lottery money tickets . I haven 't stopped that since I won . The article I read at the library said to go about your business like nothing happened . So I did . " He asked her how much she 'd won . " The Powerball . I won the one from five and a half months ago . " Neither of them said anything for several seconds . Then TJ laughed , and looked at his son when Trent asked him what was going on . His dad was still laughing as he explained to Trent . " She won the big one . The forty - million - dollar jackpot , didn 't you , love ? " She nodded and dug the tickets that she wanted to cash in from her bag . " Holy milk balls , Trent , she 's the winner that they 've all been looking for . " She looked at Trent when he asked her if that was true . " Yes . I won and I have to turn in my ticket or it 's going to go away . " He took the envelopes that she 'd put into the plastic bag she used as a purse most of the time . It was all she had to carry it around in , and felt silly for it being so mundane . " I read about your firm at the library and everyone said that you can be trusted . I don 't want anyone to know who I am . " " All right , let me look a few things up here . Just . . . I have to call in our attorney to help me get this right for you . " She shook her head , but he said it would be fine . " It 's my brother , Tanner Calhoun . Did you read about him too ? " " Please don 't make fun of me . " She wanted to snatch her things back from him , but he stood up again and she sat still . " I 've never hurt anyone . I work and keep to myself and don 't bother any of them . But they come and take whatever I have on me and then beat me for it . I 'm not sure what they 'd do about this money . More than likely kill me . " She looked at them both before speaking again . " I 've changed my mind . I don 't want the money . " When he sat in the chair next to her , she whimpered . Men , big ones , scared her . Trent didn 't move , but TJ got up and walked out of the room . She had no idea what he was " You say your family takes your money and they hurt you ? Have you ever called the police ? Filed a report on them ? We can do that now if you want , Noelle . I can do it for you . " His voice was soft , full of something that she 'd never heard from anyone when they were talking to her . Compassion . " Tell me so that I can find them and beat the living shit out of them . My wife , Joe ? She 'll have to visit me in jail , but I think she 'll think it was worth it to see you safe . " She laughed when he did . " There you go . See , I might be big , but I 'm as gentle as a puppy . " " My stepfather is Howard Merrill . My stepmother wasn 't any better . Her name was Gloria Merrill , but she died a few years back . I think she was in a car accident or something . I can 't afford the newspaper all the time . " She looked at Trent and felt . . . she wasn 't sure what she felt except no longer afraid , for some reason . " He thinks I made him lose his job . I guess in a way I did . But when he lost his job , he lost everything else too . Like my government money . He didn 't get his pension either , which I suppose is the way it should be with him being fired and all . " " You think that he 'll try to take your money that you won . " She nodded , then shook her head . " Ah , so you think that he 'll take your life while he 's at it . " " He will . Like I said , he feels that I owe him for some reason . He 's not been happy with me for a long time . " That was an understatement . " I have a place that I 've been living in for a while . But I want my own home . A yard . I really want a yard . " " I understand that more than you can imagine . I 've talked to . . . had my dad talk to Tanner , and he 's on his way in . He works for a friend of ours , but he said he 'd help us out . I know investments better than I do the letter of the law for this sort of thing . And my wife is coming in as well . She said that she was going to come by today , and she should be here soon . I want to try and get this worked out for you so that you can get you a house as well as be safe . " " I know what you are . " He said nothing , and she looked at her hands in her lap . " I know that you and your family are wolves . I can 't always tell what a person is , but I can tell when someone isn 't human . I am , but I know that you 're not . " " No , I 'm not . Are you . . . is that why you 're afraid of me ? Is your stepfather a wolf ? " She shook her head and told him that her family was human as well . " But one of them hurt you , a wolf or some other shifter . " " Yes . " He didn 't pry , and she didn 't feel it was necessary to explain . He was going to help her get her money , and that would be the end of their relationship . " There are other tickets too . Not as much as the big one , but I 'd like to have that money as well . It 's what I can pay you with . " " I 'm not going to charge you for helping you , Miss Alexander . I think you 've been hurt enough . " She wanted to cry , to beg him to hold her . There was something so comforting about him that she wanted to let him take care of her . But she knew better than to trust that kind of feeling . " Tanner is here . I don 't want you to be alarmed when he comes in . He has a tendency to not knock , but to come in like he 's been shot from a rocket . " The door to the office slammed back against the wall . The man who came into the room was talking , as if whatever conversation he 'd been having with Trent the last time he 'd seen him was still going on . He spoke to Trent about changes in the market and how he was getting his office set up slowly . He looked at her and stopped talking . " Well , hello there . Aren 't you about the prettiest little thing ? " She shook her head and felt her fear double . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to embarrass you . But you are very pretty . I 'm Tanner Calhoun . Trent said you need someone to advise you on some lottery winnings . " When he sat down on the edge of the desk , she had a feeling that Trent had told him to back off . Tanner grinned at her before he asked her about the ticket . She knew then that she might be able to do this . These men wasted no time in getting to the point . After he was shown the ticket , he asked her a lot of questions about it . The other tickets , mounting to just under ten thousand dollars , were given to the secretary to verify . Tanner said it wasn 't as if they didn 't trust her , but they wanted to make sure they weren 't going to have any problems when they were taken in . The big ticket was put in a safe so that no one could take it from her now that a few people knew about it . A copy of it was made for her to keep , as well as a receipt stating that they had it in their safe for her . " Does your stepfather have any idea that you 've got any money ? I mean , from your winnings ? Did he lend you money for anything ? Pay your rent somewhere , or any of your bills ? At any time , did anyone help you out with a bill or something ? " She told Tanner no , that she didn 't tell anyone . " And your bills ? You paid those with your own money , nothing ever coming from him ? " " I 've made sure that I made my own way . I 've never been on welfare either … I promised myself that I 'd be independent as much as I could . And my stepfather was better at taking than he was at giving . Never the tickets . I never had them on me when they , my stepbrothers or him , found me . " She looked at her hands again . " My stepbrothers weren 't like that when I lived at home with them . They were spoiled , but they never bothered me . I 'm still not sure that they do this because they want to . " " I 'm sorry about that . No one should treat anyone badly , especially not a female . But knowing that about him makes it so much easier now . And the fact that you bought it after you left home and were out of his care means he has no claims on it at all . Those are things that I want to keep from happening . " For the next hour she went over the paperwork . By the time she was finished , not only was she exhausted , but she was also richer . The money from the tickets had been taken all over town and cashed in by different members of the family , so that nothing was ever going to come back on her . She 'd never had so much cash on her at any time in her life . And then Joe , Trent 's wife , showed up . " Hello , Noelle . It 's been a very long time . " Noelle looked at the door , then back at the woman who had been there the day she 'd been kicked out of her family . " Don 't . Please don 't run . Noah will be so happy to see you . " " He won 't . " Joe said that he would . " I hurt him that day . He might . . . he 'll want to hurt me back . " " No , he won 't . He looked for you for years after you left . And he 'll be glad to see you , I promise . " She looked at the door again , wondering if it was too late to take it all back . " I know your scent now , Noelle . You won 't be able to hide again . But I promise you , Noah never wanted you hurt by this either . I 'm not sure how you think you hurt him , but I 've spoken to him . He 's glad to know that you 've come back around . " Terror like she 'd not felt for a very long time skimmed along her skin . Her hands hurt from clenching them . Her head hurt from trying to sort through all the things that were running through her head . She 'd hurt Noah because her father had been an important man in his business . Howard had told her that when and if he ever found her that Noah would make her pay for making one of his best employees have to be fired . The door opened again and she screamed . She had no idea who might have come in or why , but her terror was too much . And when someone grabbed her , Noelle lost whatever hold she had on her fear , and the darkness swallowed her up . Royce The Hunter Series Chapter 11 is ready to read Chapter 11 Daniel put down the phone and leaned back in his chair . Royce was going to be a father . Daniel had not seen that one coming . . .

I turned to look at her . She was standing at a spot in the Space Needle where the sun was brightly shining through . She looked like an angel . I forced myself to not think about the terrible , awful things I 'd done to her . She was beautiful , untouched . " You made everything bright again for me , " she said . " You made my life a better place , Jake . I can 't … it 's crazy , right ? Our relationship is so dysfunctional . But … you made everything better . " " Yeah , well , you don 't say it often enough . " I stood beside her as she looked out at Seattle . It was an unusually sunny day in the city , but I wasn 't complaining . It gave me a chance to take my girl out , see the sights . We hadn 't had much time to ourselves . " Don 't do that . " Her eyes never left the view . Even without looking at me , she knew I was beating myself up . " Don 't hate yourself because you have a job and you 're busy . " " It 's not like we 're moving back to New York in a month ? " She asked . " What would be the point of taking a job when this is temporary ? " She shook her head . " I want to go home , Jake . I miss my friends . I miss my family . " I saw her lips pout as she stared out at the view . " I miss us . " " We 're still the same people , Simone , " I said . " We haven 't changed . You 're still the girl I fell in love with one summer . I 'm still the - " " Are we having a fight ? " I asked . " Is that what you want to do ? We can have a fight , but I 'd prefer if we weren 't in public . " " You moved to Seattle with me , Simone , " I told her . " I didn 't force you to come . I told you that you could stay home and I 'd be back . " " So the day you slept with the TA for my history class was what , a break ? " She sighed . " We aren 't Ross and Rachel . " " Do you want to have it out here ? " I asked . " I 'm trying , Simone . I 'm really , really trying , and all you seem to want to do is argue . " " I don 't want to argue , Jake , " she said sadly . She finally turned to meet my eyes . " I just … I wanted to tell you how much better things are with you , but this really is the most dysfunctional relationship I 've ever been in , and yet it 's the best relationship I 've ever been in . " She leaned against me , resting her head on my chest . I wrapped my arms around her , sheltering her as best I could - though as of late I hadn 't been doing a good job of that . " You 're my one in ten million , and yet I can 't help but feel like you 're still looking for that . Like I 'm not enough , even though I moved out here , even though I put grad school on hold so we could be together out here . " " I 'm not , " I said firmly . " I 'm not looking for anything , Simone , outside of you . Look , I 'm sorry I keep fucking up . I 'm sorry I keep sleeping with anything in a dress . " I chuckled bitterly . " And I 'm sorry I forced your hand to move out here , but I promise you , things are going to be different . Things are going to be better when we move home . You 're going to go to grad school and I 'm going to be a hot detective and we 're going to rule the world together . " " No girl wants to tell her boyfriend that she wants to be appreciated , " she said . " I just … I want you to think of you , Jake . I want you to do what 's necessary so you can get ahead , but I want you to think of me , too . Of us . " I kissed her forehead , hugging her tight to me . I remembered in the early days of our relationship when I was so scared of crushing her - how tiny she was , how fragile she looked . But she was stronger now , full of sugar and spice and piss and vinegar . I 'd put her through hell , but she stuck by me in spite of it . I shoved my hand in my pocket , felt the velvet box that I 'd been holding for a year . I was waiting for the right moment , wanted to do things right by her , make up for all the shit I put her through . Now seemed as good a time as any … " Oh ! " She squealed , releasing me . I dropped the box , my hand flying out of my pocket . " Can we get sushi and red vines and binge watch that new fairytale TV show ? Hadley says it 's super complex and you have to watch everything together . " I smiled . There would be a better moment , less public , when I could finally ask her to spend the rest of her life with me . " Yeah , let 's get out of here . Want to pick up sushi on the way home or have it delivered ? " She shrugged , looping her arm through mine . " I don 't care . Though the sushi place that delivers has those spring rolls you really like . Hey , Hads said that Cinderella makes an appearance , too … " I smiled as she chatted away about the new show and all the characters she was excited to see . She was a simple girl - woman , really . She 'd grown so much since that first night on the beach , and I 'd had the privilege of watching her grow . She was beautiful then , but now … she was even more radiant , bright , full of life . I ended the call , placing my phone in the cupholder , where it 'd been for the duration of my three hour drive . I kept it on silent , much to the dismay of my colleagues , supervisor , and close friends . I never heard it ring unless it was directly next to me , the incessant buzzing forcing me to take the call . I lived a non - stop life , going a mile a minute . I 'd been like this for years , pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion , only to take a day or two off before going at it full speed again . I drove the people in my life crazy , but I thrived off of the frenetic energy in my life . I wasn 't happy unless I was throwing myself headfirst into something - a work project , a personal project … My breath hitched again as the thought crossed my mind . I focused on driving , though I only had a few more feet before I would be forced to park , get out of the car , and finally confront the one thing - the one person - I 'd been avoiding for years . I knew how long it 'd been , how long I 'd been dodging calls and ignoring the emails . And of course , he hadn 't . He 'd just finished telling me that he 'd be a few minutes late , caught up with some last minute work business . He was always true to his word - even if all he was doing was telling me he 'd be a few minutes late . It would be no more than five minutes , and I knew I would see him . I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth , worrying it until it started bleeding . I tasted the tangy copper in my mouth , knew that if I kept it up my lips would be chapped . I hadn 't packed lip gloss for this weekend , didn 't even know if I 'd be around the whole weekend to really need lip gloss . Nevertheless , I quit chewing , pursing my lips instead . I opened my car door and stepped out into the cool autumn air . More leaves rustled as the wind picked up , chilling me to the core . I tried to ignore it , that nervous feeling in my chest . My heart was beating rapidly , my breaths were becoming shorter … Of all the things I could do , losing my composure was not one of them . I tried desperately to get my breaths under control , to calm myself down . I tried to think of something - anything - else , but it was no use . Our two minute conversation was already replaying in my mind , and thoughts of what would happen over the course of the next few hours - or weekend , I had chosen to take a few days off - clouded my mind . I slammed my car door shut and made my way up the walk , pausing only to grab the key from underneath the ficus plant that sat outside the front door . He told me it would be there and , true to his word , there it was . I would eventually learn to stop doubting him . Feelings of nostalgia hit me like a ton of feathers as I walked inside . No , they weren 't bricks . These memories were not rough , not hard , not cold . They were soft , pleasant to the touch , but weighed me down nonetheless . They sat on top of my heart , crushing me , reminding me of a time in my life that , in hindsight , was certainly not better , but simpler . The feathers tickled my nose , reminding me of the smell of brownies wafting through the house . They curled around me , like the red blanket that was still draped across the back of the couch . They surrounded me , floating through the air like the snow that fell the last time I was here . I moved to the kitchen , taking a trip down memory lane - allowing myself one weakness , finally , after ten years of pushing weakness as far away as possible . I felt it all coming back to me at once , those feathers pelting me . They didn 't hurt though - a pleasant surprise . I anticipated the bricks , anticipated having the wind knocked out of me . There 's where you had a flour fight . I smiled at the words , remembering the flour from the cookies I was trying to bake ending up everywhere but in the bowl . I remembered my hair being coated , my face white as a sheet from the flour , but my cheeks bright and red from laughing so hard . I moved through the kitchen to the stairs , walking up them until I got to the next floor . There 's where he told you he loved you , the voice said . I remembered him sitting with me in the middle of the floor outside of the bathroom , fresh from a shower but nonetheless determined to tell me how he felt - a first for him , he claimed . That was something I actually believed , even a decade and a dozen lies later . There 's where his parents slept . My chest tightened as I felt that familiar tug . His mother loved me like one of her own . I hadn 't been around when she died , showing up only for her funeral before hightailing it back home . I couldn 't risk seeing him , being alone with him . I allowed my bitterness toward him taint the relationship I had with his mom . And that 's where you told him you loved him , the voice reminded me . It was nearly a month after he 'd uttered the words , so many days afterward when I 'd finally confronted my feelings for him . I 'd been scared , afraid of what saying those words out loud would mean . I didn 't want to get hurt , didn 't want to have my heart broken . I stared at the perfectly - made bed in the center of his room . The walls were the same color blue they 'd been the last time I was here . The comforter was still black , the floor still white carpet , save for the stain I spied by his night stand , where I spilled my red nail polish the day of prom . There were so many memories , but they didn 't hurt , didn 't make me feel like I was going to die from the pain . It hurt to breathe . I felt myself gasping for air as I turned and made my way back down the stairs , my trip down memory lane finished for the time being . There would be a new set of memories that I knew I would have to deal with when he arrived . Here is where you said good - bye . I stopped at the bottom of the stairs , taking a seat in front of the door to the study - his father 's study , the same study where I found out the truth about everything . I remembered my words to him clear as day as I sat there , taking in my surroundings . On the wall opposite the stairs , near the kitchen , was a growth chart . His height throughout the years . I studied the pink crayon mark more than five feet up the wall , where his mother measured me on my first visit . And then bright and early one morning , I received an email from him . In a moment of weakness , I responded , extending an olive branch . We made peace via email . And now , he wanted to make peace with me face to face . I shivered involuntarily , pulling my coat tighter as I stood . I stared out the window , trying to keep warm by folding my arms around me . Like that 'll do you any good , the voice inside my head said . It sounded like another version of me - a me who was older , more aware of her surroundings , someone who would certainly never have come here . He studied me intently , looking me up and down . I did the same , my eyes scanning down the body I once knew like the back of my hand . I called him my map once , covered with freckles , places I longed to discover . He loved me so completely , and I shared his passion . Once upon a time we were strangers , people who didn 't understand one another . Time went on , though , and we fell into a pattern . I learned his habits . He learned my quirks . We studied each other , fell harder for each other and allowed ourselves to get caught up in it all . We went from strangers to lovers - people who at one point did not know one another suddenly knew each other completely , inside and out . He was my fortune teller and my fortune . He was the sun , and I was drawn to him , caught in his warmth . I was his captive audience of one . I was his everything - literally , everything . I didn 't understand until much , much later just what everything encompassed ; but when I did , I flipped the switch . My sun became my night , a darkness I could not escape fast enough . He went from being my safe haven to being my worst nightmare . I lived that life for ten years , pretending he didn 't exist , pretending that I didn 't care . I took care of only me , looked out for only me . And in a moment of weakness , the ten years of care I took with myself were ruined completely . I realized all of this as I studied him , and a thought came unbidden into my mind that I could not erase , could not walk away from . Yet it was true - the truest thought I 'd had in a decade , and brought on by him . The irony was not lost on me . The liar became the beacon of truth . My darkness became my light . I could not outrun him . I could not live a life where he did not exist . The years I spent running from him were useless . He would always find me , and I him . There was not a place in the world that existed where we could be without one another . My carefully laid plans were ruined , and it was all because of him . But I couldn 't fault him that . It was to be expected . He 'd ruined my plans once , long ago . He had an aura about him that demanded attention , and I knew this would be no different . I 've had these words swimming around my head for a few days . But as with all of my thoughts , I couldn 't organize them . I needed to make sure that what I was thinking was , well , what I was thinking . They all have that effect on me , though . My grandma reminds me daily that I need to make sure I 'm not eating or drinking anything that will make me sick - like chocolate and wine and certain coffee , for instance . My grandpa gives me trouble for having too many tattoos and piercings . Artie asks a lot of questions . At the end of the day , I catch myself wondering what my life would be like if they weren 't in it . I tell myself if I can just get completely out of debt and settled into a real career I can move out and that 'll be the end of it . Ira and I can move into a little one bedroom apartment and live out our days with chocolate and wine and my favorite coffee and each other . See , last week I had a reaction to said coffee - I can only assume it was that , as it was the most recent thing introduced that would have caused such a reaction . It really isn 't of any consequence what caused the reaction , just that it was caused . I had a headache , I was paralyzed from the pain . I was swollen and my eyes couldn 't open . I was in pain . I needed an EpiPen . Those of you that know me know that I have several tattoos . I can handle pain . I don 't mind it . But if you know anything about EpiPens , you know that there is an instant shock when the needle pierces your skin . I can 't handle that surprise shock . I don 't like knowing it 's coming and shooting myself with it . I hate the noise the most , I think . My grandfather , ever the understanding , caring man that he is , stepped up to the task . When I couldn 't give myself the medicine , he did it for me . He ran through the process with me to make sure he knew what needed to be done , and he did it - no questions asked . But you see , not only was I having a reaction to my coffee or chocolate or wine or whatever it was - once my grandpa administered the EpiPen , I was instantly lightheaded . To be honest , I knew that part was coming , but I 'm never really ready for it . I hate when it shows up because I 'm helpless . I have to lay down and wait for it to pass . Only this day , it wasn 't passing . Soon I grew short of breath , and my headache returned full force . I was certain I needed to go to the emergency room . I asked my grandma to take me , told her that I needed to go because I couldn 't breathe . " Come here , " she said to me . I made my way over to the couch , collapsing onto it when I reached her . And my grandma took one of my hands in hers , placed her other hand on my head , and sat there with me . " Let 's give it a second . Calm down . I 'm here . Let 's just give it a little bit . " She sat with her hand on my head for 30 minutes . Finally , the feeling passed . I was still " woozy , " so to speak , but I could breathe again . My headache dulled . No , I wasn 't instantly better because of my grandma 's touch , but it was a vast improvement . Later that evening , as I sat on the couch and watched a movie with my grandparents and Artie , a new thought came to my mind . October was a particularly hard month for my family . Breast Cancer Awareness ads filled our TV screen . People proclaimed from the rooftops that they 'd beaten cancer , or that they were going to win their fight . I watched my grandmother chew her lip in anxiety as mothers announced that they got to keep their daughters . I heard the hitch in my grandpa 's breath as fathers beamed proudly as they looked upon their daughters , victorious in their fight . I wanted to write about it , to share their pain . But it 's not mine to share . My pain is separate from theirs . And as the days passed , I felt less inclined to shed light on their stories , if only to spare them the additional hurt that may have arisen from seeing my words . But that afternoon , as my grandma sat with her hand on my forehead , I wondered how many times she did that for mama , as my mom 's fight drew to an end . I wondered how many times my grandpa tried to find something on TV for mom to watch , to distract her from her pain . I wondered how many times Artie circled the S 's in his word search book , showing them to his sister . I knew that though they were all pained in one way or another over the loss of mom , they were also pressing forward . They had no choice . As my grandma recently told me , " I promised her I 'd look after you . " My grandfather echoed her sentiments , albeit in his own way - with a smile , and a nod , and a pat on the back . I didn 't have the opportunity to write anything for Breast Cancer Awareness , and I refuse to take part in the " 30 Days of Thankful " on Facebook . Instead , I 'm combining the two . I am writing about my family - dysfunctional as we may be , and not always in agreement . I am writing not about my grandparents ' pain , but their fight . I 'm writing about their selflessness . I 'm using this as my " I am Thankful " statement - for not only Thanksgiving , but every single day of the year . I am thankful that my grandmother keeps an eye on me . I am thankful that she reminds me to probably not eat that , and maybe don 't drink that - because she knows how I react to certain things . I will likely not be able to eat and drink various foods and drinks for the rest of my life . I 'm sad to say that my grandma will not be around to warn me ahead of time for the rest of my life , though . I am coming to grips with it , and trying to take more time to listen to her instead of reacting to her . I 'm trying to take more time to hug her , to sing her silly songs in the car , to go on three hour shopping trips for two pairs of pants . Yes , MomMom , those really are a size six ! I 'm trying to take time to listen to my grandpa , even though we certainly don 't agree on everything . I 'm listening when I can , and debating with him when the opportunity presents itself . I 'm watching the news with him , talking to him about work ( when I can ) , and telling him new stories that I hear about the Marine Corps . For me , he has always embodied the words " Semper Fidelis . " He is always faithful , always true . He has been there for me every step of the way through this crazy game of life , and I will never forget him holding me close the night mama left , telling me that eventually things would be okay . Guess what , Honey ? You were right ! I 'm sure you 're not surprised . I 'm also taking as much time as I can to spend with Artie - buying him word search books so he can show me when he 's circled all the S 's , playing him old country songs , and having dance parties in the car to Taylor Swift . He is always going to be my big brother , even if he is my uncle . No matter where I go in life , I know he will be in the back of my mind always , making sure he 's okay , making sure he 's taken care of . I promise to get you a " ' ccino " again soon , bub ! There will come a day when my grandmother 's voice will not carry through the house , asking me if she can borrow a pair of my jeans or a blouse she likes . One day , she won 't be there to encourage me to go talk to the cute guy at the farmers ' market . There will come a day when my grandpa won 't be around to tell me I have too many tattoos . I will have to inject my own EpiPen one day , without him there to hold my hand and ask if he has all the steps down right . There will also come a day when Artie won 't be around to go run errands with me , to giggle as I come up with crazy dance moves while I 'm driving . These thoughts terrify me , but I refuse to stew on them . I can 't worry about what 's coming . I can only focus on now . And now , I 'm going to go spend a little more time in this crazy house with my favorite people in the entire world . I 'm so thankful for them . I 'm thankful for their guidance , their constant presence , their voices that fill my heart until it 's almost full . I 'm thankful for their example , for their love . And I 'm thankful that no matter where I go in life , they will always have my back . No , really . I don 't . I hate talking about them because I don 't know what I 'm doing . I overanalyze situations . I overthink things . I don 't necessarily make myself sick over it , but it gets to the point where I feel completely helpless . Am I saying too much ? Should I text him first ? How soon is too soon to tell the family ? But I 'm actually finally getting " back out there , " whatever that 's supposed to mean , and to be quite honest , dating is scary . I spent most of high school dating my way through the starting lineup ( joking - I mostly dated the bad boys in school ) . After high school , I got engaged . When that ended , I found myself in a new relationship - one that , for all intents and purposes , lasted roughly eight years . In the moments when I wasn 't with that person , I was dating other people . Most notably , I was engaged again in 2013 . When that ended , I went back to the safe place , the security of the eight year relationship . I 've never been " alone . " Though I can 't say what I 've been for the last almost year is alone . After realizing that the eight year relationship was most definitely not going anywhere ( he had a girlfriend , come to find out after he 'd kissed me and told me this time was going to be different ) I decided to strike out on my own . Since then , I 've been surrounded by the people I love the most . I 've been discovering myself , immersing myself in my writing , in music , and in Jesus . I 've found myself , really - what I like , what I dislike , what I believe , what my convictions are . I 've been throwing myself back into my passions and having fun with my friends and not giving a second thought to the fact that there hasn 't been a romantic interest in my life . I haven 't been alone , I suppose ; I 've just been single . And happily so , I might add . I didn 't really start to " get back out there " until a few months ago . I went on a date with a guy that I talked to previously , but it never went anywhere because of aforementioned eight year relationship guy . He was nice , though a bit too young for my taste . I don 't mind dating guys who are younger - don 't get me wrong - but I do have an issue when it 's evident that they 're too young . I know plenty of 24 year old men who are more mature than 30 year old men . It just depends on the person . So , after a string of bad dates , ranging from the guy who was too young for me to the guy who just wanted to have a fling because I seemed " like a good time , " I retreated again . I wasn 't yet ready . I couldn 't bear the heartache of being told that I was nothing more than a good time . I needed more time - time to build myself up , time to keep on writing , time to keep on discovering myself . I wasn 't in a rush . And I 'm still not in a rush . Don 't get me wrong - a husband and babies are all in the plan . I may make jokes about the fact that I need a baby as much as Pamela Anderson needs another boob job , but I really do want to have kids one day ( so much so that I looked at the sperm bank online , but that 's another story for another day ) . I just know that it 'll all happen in God 's time . I can 't rush what He wants , and He doesn 't want to rush me , either . It 's a delicate balance between Him and me . I 'll know when the time is right . But none of that stopped me from talking again to another man - a man who has faced his fair share of demons . He 's been in worse shape than me , has walked in a valley that I do not believe he 'd wish on his worst enemy . My heart hurts for him even now , as I type this . He 's the kind of guy I could certainly see myself with . He 's been on my heart for the last year , since the last time we spoke and I told him , plainly , that if he wasn 't looking for what I was looking for , we needed to part ways . Which brings us to about a week and a half ago . I was driving to Charlotte to visit my best friend , and was stuck in traffic . I know most of you are wondering what I possibly could have been thinking , getting on the road on a weekend when the east coast was under threat of a hurricane , but my actions cannot be explained . I needed to see my best friend , and I wasn 't above making the drive to go see her . Some people understand me better than others - and she 's one of them . But nevertheless , there I was , in traffic , stopped , sitting and looking around at the other drivers wondering what they were all thinking ( spoiler alert : we were all bored out of our skulls wondering when we could drive again ) when my phone chimed . I never EVER have the sound on my phone , but decided to have it on for the drive down so that I would know if my grandma tried to contact me . It wasn 't my grandma sending me a text , but this beautiful , troubled soul I described above . He was driving down to Hagerstown for something ( I didn 't ask , he didn 't tell ) and said the drive down made him think of me . He and I had something of an odd relationship . Most of our time was spent in small , quiet diners or sitting in either of our cars at the top of the mountain . Our time together was never rushed . We would talk , or we 'd sit in silence and take in our surroundings . We 'd have dinner , or we 'd have coffee and discuss what was going on in our lives ( if we were so inclined ) . We 'd plan it days in advance , or he would randomly text me to tell me he was driving down to come see me . There was nothing constant about it , save for how easy it was to be with him . He didn 't push me , and I didn 't push him . We moved at our own pace , in our own time . But he didn 't want a commitment ( isn 't that how it always goes ? ) and just wanted to push the sexual boundaries on our relationship . I couldn 't do it , though . I couldn 't fathom putting myself in a position like that again , after spending the better part of eight years of my life with someone who just wanted sex from me as well . I cared deeply for this man , but I cared about myself more . I issued the ultimatum , and he decided that no relationship with me at all was better than a committed relationship . I don 't begrudge him that . Like I said , he had plenty of demons he was facing at the time . I cared deeply for him - and still do - and I couldn 't bear to put any pressures on him that he didn 't need . My ultimatum was not issued in the hopes that he would just choose me , but rather so he would understand that I couldn 't give him what he wanted . I already knew he couldn 't give me what I wanted . When we ended , I was something of a wreck . I was fine on the outside , doing my work and spending time with my family and taking care of myself , but on the inside I was a mess . In hindsight , I think my concern for him was what caused my inner chaos . I was worried if he 'd be okay , if he needed me , how he was doing , what he was doing … But one day I realized I couldn 't keep doing that to myself . I needed to worry about myself . I needed to move on . I needed to let him fix what needed to be fixed and either come back to me , or make someone else happy . It wasn 't my place to take care of him . It was my place to take care of me . All of this information flashed in my mind when I saw the text from him . I panicked , of course , and wondered if I should even respond . But I 'm a bleeding heart . I don 't like to ignore people . Even when my coworkers text me and I can 't relate to what they 're saying , I try to tell them something to let them know that I 've read their text messages . I get Facebook messages from people who want to make small talk and I respond , even though our conversations are brief . I responded to him , told him I was driving to Charlotte and that I hoped he was well . It was less than a week later that I was sitting with my phone in my hands , wondering if the decision I was about to make was the right one . I had no pen and paper , so I made a pro / con list in my head . I weighed the odds - whether he 'd even want to talk to me at all , what the impact would be on me if I talked to him , if I could handle him walking away again if this went south - and sent the text . It was something simple - " Hey there . How are you ? Sorry we couldn 't talk last week . " He responded in seconds , telling me that he was doing well , was working a lot , looking at a promotion , and he understood I couldn 't talk . I was driving ( more or less ) and my safety was more important than talking to him . He asked how I was doing . I told him I was well , enjoying my position , loving every minute of my job even though it presented its own set of unique challenges . I told him I was happy . He asked if I was seeing anyone . I told him I wasn 't . I asked if he was seeing anyone , and he said he wasn 't . I wasn 't sure what direction I wanted the conversation to go in , wasn 't sure I could stomach another rejection at the hands of this man . Instead , I let him lead . He would say something about going out , and I would tell him I wasn 't looking for the casual thing he was looking for when we last spoke . He said he wasn 't just looking for something casual , and that he 'd missed me . Before I could even respond to that message , he told me that he 'd finally taken the time to think about his emotions , and he 'd missed me so much . He wanted to see me . He wanted to spend time with me and see if there was anything between us . I won 't go over all the gory details of our conversations since then . We emailed a lot because he said that 's easier for him when he 's at work . We exchanged a few more text messages , and then … silence . The silence came out of nowhere ( for me ) but I think I started noticing it when I was trying to hammer down plans for us . I didn 't push - knowing too well that pushing this man will not get me anywhere , and also knowing that this man doesn 't need someone nagging him - but I did ask , once , when he wanted to get together . He responded an hour later , saying this week would work . I told him to let me know , and left it at that . I used to be the girl who was " in your face , " always pestering and hounding and trying to find out what a guy thought of me . Thankfully , as I got older , I managed to rid myself of that habit . When I didn 't hear from him for an hour that night , I didn 't push him . I let him answer on his own . When our conversation ended that night , I decided to let him talk to me the next day , because I didn 't want him to think I needed to talk to him every single day . I was okay on the days he didn 't talk to me , but my heart soared on days when I saw that he 'd sent me a text message . I wasn 't quite putty in his hands , but the man who 'd stolen my heart was stealing it away again … or so I thought . I 'm now at day three with radio silence from him . But unlike the last time this happened , I 'm not pushing him to talk to me . I 'm not hounding him and blowing up his phone with text messages or his work email account with emails . I 'm not begging him to spend time with me . Over the last year , I took some time for introspection . I didn 't want to be that girl - the desperate one who would go out with a guy at any time , no matter what else was going on . I didn 't want to be the annoying girl whose name was tossed around like a joke . I hated being that girl . So … I stopped being that girl . This silence from him is enough for me to close the book again , but the last week and a half of having him back in my life has also given me a glimpse into the kind of man I want , too . When he said we could see each other , he wanted us to meet half way . He wanted to " hang out " and " see what we could get into . " He wanted casual , even if he wasn 't saying it . Which was another reason why I didn 't pursue him further , and allowed him to talk to me when he wanted . I wasn 't readily available for him , either , not wanting to encourage something that was not going to happen . If I 'm going to expect more from the guys I date , I need to expect more from myself as well . But along with expecting more from myself , I also expect more for myself . I don 't want to " meet halfway " and " hang out . " I want to be picked up at my door , and maybe have my car door opened for me ( flowers are always optional , if only because I 'm allergic to them ) . I want someone who can 't wait to talk to me , even if it can only be a five minute conversation where he tells me that he 's going into work and he 'll see me on the other side of it . I want a godly man , one who can be both my partner and my leader - which , trust me , is not something that came easy to me . I was always the rebellious one , promising myself that my wedding vows would say " love , honor , and cherish " instead of " love , honor , and obey . " But as I got older , I saw the value in that type of relationship , and I know that having that godly partner and guide is , truly , my heart 's desire . But perhaps most important of all the things that I want - all the things that I deserve , really - is someone who will wait for me . I can be honest and say that I 've given my heart and pieces of myself away to men who didn 't deserve it . I 've had my heart broken so many times I lost count . I 've been used , and I 've allowed myself to be used , albeit blindly in some instances . By saying this , I am not saying I demand someone who has been wholly sexually pure , but that I deserve someone who sees the value in waiting , even if he hasn 't done it previously . That 's the reason why I got myself another purity ring - to remind myself that though I 'd made mistakes , I could stop now , and take the purity vow and wait . I can do that because God promised that He would forgive , and I have sought His forgiveness - and continue to seek both His forgiveness and His grace daily . I seek His guidance , too , and I think that is why I 've been able to come the realization of all the things I deserve and want so desperately . Maybe I won 't hear from this tired soul again . Maybe he 'll drift away - as I assume he has already done , and do not begrudge him that - and that will be the end of our story . Maybe he 'll get it together in the future , and will be ready for all the things I want . I won 't be unhappy either way , because I know that whatever happens with him is what 's supposed to happen . But I also know I won 't be pursuing him . I won 't badger him , and I won 't put my heart out on my sleeve for him . I 'll be cordial if I hear from him , and will probably delete his number one day down the line if or when my current phone becomes obsolete ( let 's face it , with all this advanced technology , it 's a possibility ! ) but I won 't be " that girl . " At this point , I think honestly I 'm going to retreat again . I know my heart well , and while it isn 't broken like the first time he walked away from me , it does hurt a little . I lose a little hope each time a new match doesn 't work out - even if it 's something as simple as a bad date with a guy who 's a little too young for me . I need to refocus , center myself , and go back to the drawing board . Maybe I 'll go on another date in six months , or maybe I 'll still be single . The thing I 've learned from all of this is that no matter what happens , IT WILL BE OKAY . I will be okay . I will move forward , even if I am moving forward without a significant other . I will be happy , because my happiness is not dependent on a man . I will be whole , because I refuse to give parts of myself to another person again outside of the bonds of marriage . My mom left me a journal - just a few pages filled with her thoughts during the last two months of her life . I 've read every bit of it , hoping to find some secret message she may have left for me . There are no secret messages , no whispers from beyond the grave ; but throughout her writings she repeats the same thing : that she loved me , that she wished she could have stayed , and that she was so , so sorry for leaving . My acceptance of my mother 's death did not come quickly . I spent the first six and a half years hating everyone and everything . I hated the doctors for not catching her cancer in time . I hated myself for not spending enough time with her . I hated God for taking her from me . I started remembering things , like how at peace she was when the doctor told her , simply , that she would be lucky if she lived another two months ( just to spite him , I think , she lived another three and a half months ) . I remembered the day she said she was leaving us on April 15 , because she was bound and determined to screw up tax day at the accounting firm where we worked ( true to her word , she flashed us a beautiful smile and took her last breath on this earth at 8 PM on April 15 , 2007 ) . I remembered the day she curled up next to me and said she 'd always be with me , even if I couldn 't see her ( and even now , as I sit here writing this , I can feel her fingernails run through my hair , comforting me and telling me she 's here , she 's always been here ) . But that line from the show … the first time I heard it , it hit me like a ton of bricks . Some mothers choose not to be there for their daughters ' weddings . Distance and time and any number of other things harden their hearts . Pride gets in the way . They don 't go . They miss out . I pity both the mothers and the daughters - and , if you happen to be either one of them , I implore you to reach out , say something . Make sure they know you 're there . I do not know your story , and would never presume to do so , but please consider it . I would give anything to see mama in front of me again , to sing in the car with her as we drive down to Herndon , Virginia , or Washington , DC , or Virginia Beach . The bond between a mother and daughter is a precious and fragile one , and I know that things happen . But girls , don 't shut out your mama . She 's doing her best , even if her best isn 't something you may agree with . In recent months , though , I 've just wondered how my mom dealt with it - with the fact that she wouldn 't be here for my wedding . I wonder how she reasoned with herself - if she reasoned with herself . I wonder if she knew , even then , that I would be okay , even if it did take a year or two or ten . I wonder if she struggled with it . I hope she didn 't . I recall the struggles she had with the cancer alone , and worrying herself with silly things like that wouldn 't have been worth it . I suppose it 's too late at this point ; but if there 's a parallel universe where my mom is alive and well and reading this while she sips on an umbrella drink in her lounge chair overlooking the Pacific Ocean ( I do not believe so , but I suppose anything is possible ) , I just hope she knows that I won 't suffer when that day comes . I hope she knows that though my life has been full , in spite of her absence , and that day will be sad without her , but it will be happy because even if she can 't be there in body , she 'll be there in spirit . I 've tried not to focus on Breast Cancer Awareness Month this year , if only because last year I went all out for it . I 've tried not to write about her , if only because if there 's one thing I 've learned about the writing process , it 's that you pour your heart and soul into it . You take everything and put it into this one thing - a book , a blog post , a magazine article - and you put it out there for all the world to see . And at the end of it all , you 're an empty shell . But you 're still fulfilled - or maybe it 's just me , because in my case , I am able to empty myself of my hurt and my tears and my memories and show it to the world . One thing I have tried to do is share more of my mom with the world . Including all of my favorite stories of her . And , I suppose , that 's how I 'll close this out . I realize the point of this was to talk about that specific episode of a TV show that 's been off the air for quite some time now , but still … I couldn 't imagine letting this month go by without sharing something about mama . I wouldn 't be doing her justice . Most ( if not all ) of you know that my mother and father ( and my father and I ) did not have the greatest relationship . I never pried , if only because I was witness to many of their arguments , and my father and I have had our fair share of disagreements as well . Well , the weekend of my 17th birthday , he decided to come down . He knew we were planning a trip to DC and wanted to tag along . My parents took me to McCormick and Schmick 's for dinner . It was fabulous . I ate so many oysters on the half shell I was bursting at the seams . I laughed with my mom when she did her funny accents , and made an attempt with my father when he asked questions . When they brought the dessert tray around , I picked the crème brûlée . My mom asked if they could put a candle in it for my birthday . The staff brought it out with a candle in it , and I was so excited to try it . I blew out my candles , picked up my spoon , and … delicately dug in . I was so scared of breaking the crust . I didn 't want to mess it up ! Looking back , it was a pretty sad move on my part . Everyone knows you just dig in to crème brûlée when you get it . You tear it apart . I didn 't want to do that , though , and instead took small spoonfuls . And my mother was not having any of it . I knew my father 's presence had taken its toll on her for the day . I knew she was stressed , not in the mood to be nice ( though was she ever Miss Manners that weekend ) and just wanted the night to be over with . She reprimanded me ( gently ) twice : " Dig in , Ashley ! " She said , followed by : " Ashley , you can tear it apart ! That 's why it 's there ! " And then , finally , she grabbed my bowl from me and smashed the spoon into the dessert . She broke the crust , and then , for good measure , she did it again . I watched , mouth agape , as my mom showed that crème brûlée who was boss . Finally finished with it , she slid the bowl back over to me . " See ? " She said . " That 's how you eat it . " She winked at me , let me get back to my dessert , and no one at the table said a word until it was time to leave . It took me a few years to be able to remember that story with clarity , but looking back now , I wonder how I ever forgot it . My mom was a nice person - perhaps too nice sometimes - and yet in that moment , she let that defenseless dessert have it . The memory makes me laugh even now . I may not talk about her all the time anymore , and may watch myself with the cheesy posts this time of year , but this is one I had to get out . My mom won 't be there for my wedding , but she 'll remain in my veins , as she 's always been . She won 't be there when I have kids , but I 'll see her in their eyes . I won 't have her around for a lot of my life events , but I 'll have her memories . I 'll have the angry crème brûlée story at the ready whenever someone wants to talk about dessert . I 'll have the crazy person / cell phone cord outside of her door story when someone wants to talk about being scared out of their minds . A friend of mine ( I will not name her , because it is her business if she wishes to tell ) lost her mother recently . My heart instantly went into overdrive when I read the words she penned . I shed a tear because the loss of a mother is something no one should ever have to go through , though I know we all go through it at some point . My heart still aches for her , because I know how lost I was when my mom was taken . I would never presume to know her pain , because everyone feels pain differently . Nonetheless , I wanted to write this - for her , and for every girl who ever lost her mama . I don 't know when or how it happened , but one day … my pain was no longer constantly with me . I feel a jolt in my heart when I think of my mom . I think back , and try to picture her last days , and I can 't . I can 't see her in pain . I see her smiling . I hear her laughing . It 's bittersweet , but I don 't cry all the time anymore . I 'm not sure if it 's normal , and I would never try and guess why this is happening . I accept it like I do everything else that has happened since mama left . I go with it , because there is no use in dwelling on it . But something else happened around that time , too . My pain was no longer just my pain . My pain was someone else 's , because that person was faced with the same pain I was facing . Or this person had already faced my pain . She knew . She knew my hell . She knew my tears . She understood it all , even though she never met me . My pain is my own in that I feel and felt it differently . Like I said , we all feel pain differently . But our pain is shared because this one thing - this loss of our mothers - has brought us together . So , this short and sweet blog post is for all of you . It 's for those of you who lost your mamas after you were grown and married and had babies ; it 's for those of you who were too young to remember your mama , but remember that light she brought you when you were too young to understand it ; it 's for those of us who lost our mamas at the point when we needed her most . I do not know your pain . I do not know your hell . But I am here . I am here to shoulder your hurt when you need me . I am here to impart the minimal wisdom I have on the subject , because in spite of the fact that I do not feel the pain all the time , I do feel it at times . I cry when I think about the fact that my mom won 't be sitting in the front row at my wedding . I cry when I think about the fact that she won 't meet her grandchildren . But I want you all to know that you aren 't alone . It doesn 't matter if your mama 's been gone for eight days or eight years , she 's still not here . And it hurts . I know it hurts . I have stayed up night after night trying to decipher why it had to happen . I have no answers . I have no quick fix for it . But I have empty , open hands , and I am happy to take hold of yours if you need . I have an ear that will listen if you need . I have shoulders that will bear your burdens because I know they are overwhelming . I will stand by you . I will walk through this hell with you . You are not alone . I am here . We are a tribe , albeit a disjointed one . We are sisters . We are warriors . We are survivors . She is my whole world . She is my sunrise , my sunset , my twilight , my early morning pink sky . She is a breath of fresh air in a cold world . I have cheated on her again , gotten scared , told myself that being with her was going to take a lot of work - as if the last eight years haven 't been a lot of work . The first year she 'd been three thousand miles from me . Once I 'd moved to California , things were better - if only marginally . We were together , but we were both firecrackers . " I didn 't have to , " I say . " I didn 't have to think about a future without you because you were always there . You refused to leave me . " She 's dropping her bags to floor , making her way to me . She wraps her arms around my waist , enveloping me as best as she can . I want to push her away , tell her to find someone better for her . I can 't do it , though . Because I 'm as weak as she is . I 'm not strong enough to get my shit together on my own . She 's not strong enough to walk away . She was barely an adult when we met , and this dysfunction has been all she 's known the last eight years . I can 't do it , though . I can 't walk away from her . I told her once long ago that I couldn 't live in a world where she didn 't exist . I couldn 't pretend that she didn 't exist . I hold her close , sink to the floor with her , rock her back and forth . I tell myself to let her go . I tell myself she deserves better . She has heard me . She has heard me call out for her so many times . She has heard my plea for her to stay , and has been faithful . I release my breath . I hold her close . I scoop her up into my arms and cradle her . I kiss her face and tell her that I 'm sorry . I apologize all over myself . Loving her was the easiest decision I ever made . But so was hurting her . Each time , it 's happened by chance , easily , so easily I don 't realize it 's happening until after it 's already happened . She deserves so much better . I tell myself this time is the last time as I carry her to bed . I tell myself that this is all I need - this bright , beautiful girl who brought life back to my world . I tell myself that as long as there is Simone , there is no pain .

Helping Nature A storm may have knocked a baby bird out of his nest . My dog snowball found him in the driveway . I didn 't want to just leave him stranded and was worried about the neighbors cat . So my girlfriend and me took him in . This video shows him from the time we took him in to the time we let him fly away . we had him for 2 weeks . It was sad day to watch him fly away . May 11 , 2014 · 8 : 38 pm March 3 , 2014 · 1 : 31 pm Ringtones As you all know I drive a truck for a living and sometimes I get to travel to fun and exciting places . So where am I at this weekend ? I got stuck in Las Vegas Nevada for the weekend and may be here longer due to the fact there are no loads out here at this time . So what does a wild and crazy single man that wears a Cowboy hat do in Vegas on a Friday night ? … . anybody ? ……… anybody ? …… . He laid on … the bed with his Dog 's and downloaded ringtone 's for his cell phone . Yea , baby it was so exciting . I found " The good , the bad and the ugly " theme for incoming calls . " Law and Order " theme for text messages and a nice song for a special friend I 've been talking to as her ringtone . But get this ; I saved the best for last . I found John Wayne sound bites from his western movie days . I 'm not sure what movie it 's from but every time I get a like or comment on my Facebook post 's I will hear the Duke say " Fill your hands you son - of - a - bitch . " I can 't wait to stand in line at Walmart now and you all make a comment or like on my Facebook posts . I 'm hoping it will drive people nuts , so before I go in I will have to post something . So , let 's give me as many likes and comments you can so I can really and truly annoy people around me in public . Now the big question is . Its Saturday night and I 'm still in Las Vegas , hmmmmmmmm . I 'm thinking a Walmart trip might be in order . lol Trail Dust Sorry I have been away for so long . I have been trying to write this western story bouncing around in my head and time slipt away from me . Hope to be done soon so I can go back to my ranting old self . . lol This book is a work of fiction . Any resemblance of characters to persons living or dead is coincidental . This published work may not be used in any form except with permission from the Author It was like any normal day in the small town of Englewood , Kansas on this early fall morning . The temperature outside was not real cold as Mark stood there with his morning coffee . It was just cold enough so he could see the vapor coming from his coffee cup . Lisa opened the door so Herman could go outside with Mark . He stood there watching Herman run around the back yard . They sat at the kitchen table . Mark worked on a model airplane and Lisa did some work for the bank . Lisa was in deep thought as she looked in the direction of the back yard through the glass doors . Lightning flashed . She saw a dog sitting on the porch . " Come on , honey . " The dog looked at Lisa , then at Mark , and headed inside the house . They didn 't have any dog food and she figured the dog was hungry . " Ok . " Mark got his jacket and walked out the door . Lisa got a towel and started to dry the dog . The stray had a distinguished look about him and was a good - sized dog , around eighty to a hundred pounds . He had a long snout and black hair , kind of long , with brown spots that went down from his head , over to one side , and down to his back . They knew he was part German Shepard and something else . But after they decided to keep the dog and took him to the vet even he couldn 't figure it out . It didn 't make a difference to Lisa . " ' Cause when I was drying his back leg , he kind of got tense . He didn 't growl at me , but you could sense he didn 't want you to mess with it . I didn 't see any new injuries with all this hair . Maybe something happened when he was pup . Who knows ? " Even after all these years he never could figure out where she got the name . She just called him Herman . As Mark stood there drinking his coffee and watching Herman , he thought back to when he had moved to Englewood . He had been eight years old . At first Mark didn 't like the move . He 'd been happy in Missouri with his friends and family . The move was only 170 miles from Missouri , but to an eight - year - old boy it might as well have been to the moon . His dad had gotten a new job offer in Englewood , so he packed Mark up and moved . Mark 's mom had died when he was two , killed by a drunk driver one night . Mark had been strapped in the back seat when the accident happened . He missed his mom , even though he had really never got to know her . Mark was raised mainly by his aunt Sarah from his mother 's side because Mark 's dad was always busy with work . Aunt Sarah played with Mark and taught him right from wrong . She raised him as her own . The day they left for Englewood he gave Aunt Sarah a hug and got in the car to leave . As they pulled away he could not stop the tears from rolling down his face . As Mark watched Aunt Sarah slowly fade into the distance , all Mark 's dad could say was , " You 'll make new friends , son . " " Thank you , baby . " Lisa poured him more coffee and watched Herman for a minute , then went back inside the house . Mark thought back to what his dad had said as they had left Missouri when he was eight years old . His dad was surely correct about making new friends in Englewood because he had met Lisa . Not only were they best friends growing up , but they also got married at age of twenty . Lisa was only four months older than Mark . When he made comments about her being his " old lady , " Lisa just laughed about it . The day he met Lisa had changed his life forever . Being the new kid in town was rough on Mark . He didn 't have any friends , and the really bad part was he didn 't know the local bullies in town . He was walking home from school one day down by the old creek bed when the Jenkins boys showed up . Sam was thirteen and Bobby was ten . Mark just sat there for a moment . He wanted to fight the boys but two against one was not a fair fight . Sam was the oldest and outweighed Mark by at least fifty pounds . Bobby was a little smaller than Sam , but still had a size advantage over Mark . Just as Mark stood up and was about to try and walk past the boys , Sam pushed him down again with a scowl . She was about Mark 's age , eight or so , standing there pointing her finger at Sam and Bobby Jenkins . Sam just scowled at her and then they both laughed . " What are you going to do about it ? " She would stop , pick up a rock , hold it for a minute , drop it , then pick up another rock and drop it . Even Mark was wondering what was going on with her . She slowed her dance down . The last rock she picked up , though , she didn 't drop . To this day Mark couldn 't believe what happened next . The little girl drew back her arm with a sideways motion and flung the rock at Sam . He heard the thump as the rock hit Sam right between the eyes . " Wow , " Mark thought . Sam dropped to the ground . Bobby just stood there in awe . She leaned down and picked up another rock . " It 's one - on - one , now . " Mark jumped at Bobby and knocked him off balance . As Bobby fell back , Mark jumped on him and began hitting Bobby in the face wildly . Sam started to get up . The little girl smiled at him and said , " You 'll be sorry ! " Sam stood up but didn 't make a move toward the little girl . He leaned over and pulled Mark off Bobby . Mark stopped his attack . The two Jenkins boys stood there trying to figure out what just happened . An eight - year - old boy and a little girl had just got the best of them . Mark and Lisa had become great friends . In the springtime when the lake was still at its highest , Lisa would take him down to the lake and skip rocks across it . Lisa wouldn 't just pick up any rock . It had to be perfect , the size and shape ; how it felt in her hand . Lisa told Mark stories about her dad 's pitching abilities and about the trophies he had gotten in school . " My dad would have made the pros , but he wanted to stay home with me instead of traveling the country , missing me growing up . " He still taught her how to throw a baseball , even though Lisa preferred rocks . Mark could remember going to Lisa 's softball games in high school . Lisa was a really good pitcher . Herman wound down and sat beside Mark 's chair as he drank his coffee on the porch . Mark reached down to pet him on the head and thought back to the fact that he had never heard from the Jenkins boys again . Rumor had it that someone told the truth about that day . Their dad got real mad that his boys got whipped by two eight - year - olds , one being a girl . The Jenkins boys got into trouble later on in life . At sixteen Sam robbed a liquor store in the next town over and was sent away to juvenile detention . When Sam got out from juvie he robbed another store , got caught , and was sent to prison . Bobby was just plain mean and was sent to live with his uncle in Texas , his dad maybe hoping that living down there would change him . Their mom took off when Sam was nine and Bobby six . She just couldn 't take the old man slapping her around ' cause of his drinking and couldn 't do anything with the boys . She didn 't want to leave the boys , but Sam and Bobby 's dad gave her no choice . Their dad couldn 't raise the boys by himself . Mark got up from his chair and opened the door . " Let 's go , Herman . " Herman got up and went thru the door over to Lisa , who sat at the kitchen table . She reached down and petted him on the head . Herman did a few circles , and then lay down next to Lisa . Mark was making his way over to the sink to rinse out his coffee cup . Herman sat up , and then took off running . Mark heard Herman 's toenails clicking across the wood floor . Mark opened the box and handed a bone to Herman . Herman snatched it , ran over to Lisa , and lay down again , making quick work of the chewy bone . Mark remembered back to when he first met David . He was seventeen and doing work around town for people . Even though his dad had made him an offer at the plant he worked at , Mark had said , " Thanks , but I 'll get something . " Jobs in town were hard to come by . So he did what he could for money . Mark was real good with engines and such . Even though auto body wasn 't offered in school he still had away with mechanical things . Word had spread through Englewood and neighboring towns of his talents . One day he was in the next town over , about fifteen miles from Englewood . He was working on Miss Johnson 's riding lawnmower that day . He had been out to her house before . He would fix it and week or so later she would call him up to fix it again . Miss Johnson was hell on wheels ! She would speed around her yard and run over rocks and things . One time she bent the blades , so Mark fixed them for her . This time , though , she bent the shaft on it . Mark was still able to repair it for her . She paid him for the work . Before he left he decided he was going to try and help her out . He took a walk around her yard , picking up the rocks and debris so maybe she wouldn 't break her lawnmower again . One rock he picked up , looked at it for a minute , and slipped it into his pocket . He heard a noise and saw a small crop - dusting plane flying overhead . Mark stood there for a moment and watched it . He had always loved airplanes . In his spare time he built models . Only when it didn 't take time away from Lisa , of course . Mark watched the little plane get lower and lower . He realized it was going to land nearby . Since Miss Johnson was his last job for the day and Lisa was busy with her dad , he got into his car and headed toward where the plane was landing . He drove a few miles and looked over to his left . The little plane had landed and was taxiing over to what looked like a barn . Mark pulled up a safe distance from the plane and waited as the pilot shut off the engine and climbed out of it . Once the pilot was out he noticed the man was in his late forties or early fifties , a tall man , about the same height as Mark , six feet two easy . " Glad to meet you , Mark , I 'm David . " David had been in the Navy most of his life . He had flown F14 's and F18 's . Mark was impressed by David 's accomplishments . David had retired from the navy and started a small crop - dusting business . " I like to fly , so why not do it for myself ? " " I have two more in there . " Mark asked if he could see them . " Sure , follow me . " In the barn sat another crop dusting plane and what looked to be an old T6 Texan . The T6 Texan was a World War II training plane . " Well , the crop duster flies but the T6 won 't . " Mark asked him why . " Beats me . I got it at some auction years ago but I 've never gotten it to fly . All the cables and such worked . It has fuel in it . When it starts up it just sounds like it 's not running on all cylinders . " David just stood there for a moment . He didn 't seem sure of what to say . Mark knew he must be thinking , I 've never met this kid before , and he wants to go messing with my airplane . " Ok kid ; let 's see what you can do . " Mark was just in awe of this airplane . He asked David to fire the engine up . Smoke bellowed out of the exhaust system as the engine began to turn over . Mark stood there just listening to the motor turning over . He yelled at David to turn it off . David did so and the propellers slowly wound down to a stop . Mark asked David for a stepladder so he could climb up to reach the panel . As Mark removed the panel to get better access to the engine he could see that David was still a little nervous . Mark took off the last bolt and asked David if he could take the panel from him . David took it . " Thanks . " After making sure it worked correctly Mark wiped the back end of the light with his shirt , and then he stuck it in his mouth so he would have both hands free to feel around the engine compartment . He glanced at David , saw Smart kid written on the older man 's face , and grinned . " Oh about a foot will do it . " David cut the wire and handed it up . Mark reached down into his pocket . He felt the rock he had put there earlier , and then found his small pocketknife . He spliced both ends of the wire and made a connection he knew David wouldn 't be able to see . David climbed back into the cockpit and flipped on the start switch . The engine began to turn over and the smoke wasn 't as bad as the last time . David gave the engine more fuel and before you knew it the smoke stopped and the motor was running fine . Not a miss to it at all . Mark just stood there listening to the engine . David gave it more fuel and had it revved up almost to take - off speed . The only problem with that was , David had lots of papers on his so - called " desk . " The paper starting flying around the barn like mad . Mark shouted at David and pointed at all the debris flying around the barn . David shook his head and yelled back , " Yeah , I see it . " Mark heard the engine throttle back . David shut it down . As David climbed out of the cockpit he had a grin on his face . " Boy , I don 't know what you did , but she has never sounded like that before . " " Yep . Been wanting to do that for years now . Just need help on it . I can 't pay you a lot , but it would be worth your time . " As Mark sat there with Lisa at the kitchen table he thought of how David and he had fixed up that old World War II plane for air shows and had become great friends , though David was more of a father figure to Mark than a friend . When Lisa and Mark got married , there was David , sitting in the front row at their wedding . Lisa would invite David over for dinner . David would accept . They would laugh and talk the night away . She became fond of David . She was impressed by how David was a man of his word . After they got done with the Texan , David taught Mark how to fly it , just like he said he would . Not only to fly the Texan but the crop dusters also . He helped Mark get his pilot 's license . Then he told Mark he was done crop dusting . So he sold the business to Mark and retired . He sold Mark the planes and the so - called barn hanger he had . David did keep the Texan for air shows , but he still let Mark fly it during the off - season . Mark missed David when he was out on tour with it . That was why , when Lisa told him David was coming by the bank today , he had to see him . Mark got up from the kitchen table and said , " I 'm going to take a shower before I leave home . " " Don 't I always ? " Most people would think a dog at a bank would be strange , but Herman was up in age . He mainly sat beside Lisa 's desk on a blanket she had made up for him and just watched people come and go all day long . Since Englewood was a small town and all , Herman knew most of the patrons that frequented the bank . He just watched with no interest . Lisa got away with Herman being there because she was the bank manager . Lisa didn 't start out that way . She had applied for a teller 's job when she seventeen . She graduated high school that spring before she turned eighteen and the bank hired her as a teller . She worked hard at her job , never missed a day , so when she was nineteen they offered her a job as a loan officer . She still worked hard and when Mr . Adams , the long - time bank manager , retired , she got the full - time job as manager and never looked back since . She was twenty - one when she got that position . Lisa , now in her thirties , had carte blanche as manager so Herman wasn 't a problem . Lisa yelled back , " It 's no problem . I 'll drive myself to work . " One of the planes needed a cable replaced on the rudder control system . He had to drive almost to Kansas City to get the part . It would take four hours round trip . So he would be back at the bank in time to see David in the afternoon . " No , dear , it 's not like that at all . " Mark got dressed for his trip for his parts . As he walked past Lisa he gave her a kiss and scratched Herman behind the head . He took the keys off a hook and headed toward the garage . Mark opened the garage door and walked over to a covered vehicle inside . He pulled back the car cover and there she was , A 1974 Trans Am , metallic blue with a gold bird on the hood . It had a 455 engine and a four - speed transmission . He had gotten the car as a sixteenth - birthday present from his dad . Of course the car then wasn 't in the shape it was in now . Mark got into the car and switched the garage door open by remote control . Before he started the engine he thought about how the car looked now compared to how it looked when he first got it . His dad had been on a business trip for the plant . On his drive he saw the car in a field out by the highway . He knew Mark wanted a car and that Mark had a talent for engine work , so he bought the car for him . The paint was faded . The bird decal on the hood was peeling off . The engine had seen better days . But to Mark , at sixteen years old , it was freedom . The car had run decent enough for its age but it smoked a lot . The main problem was the valve guide seals were bad . Mark figured this was because the car had just sat there so long in the field . After a few parts here and there , Mark got it to stop smoking . The only problem Mark had was that at the age of sixteen , money was tight , so he couldn 't afford a lot of the parts he needed . He drove the car anyway and took Lisa along a lot of the time . As long as she was with Mark , it didn 't matter to Lisa what she rode in . Mark drove the car for a few years . Eventually he got more money from his work and bought something newer , but he still kept the Trans Am . The crop dusting business had been good , and Lisa had been made bank manager , so he finally had gotten together the money to fix the old girl up . Mark rebuilt the engine himself . He gave it more horsepower and rebuilt the four - speed transmission . At mechanical he was ok , but not at paint and body . David , however , knew a man in the next town over who was good in that department , so he introduced Mark to him and they made a deal on the paint and bodywork . He painted the Trans Am a metallic blue with silver ground effects . Mark had to order all the decals and the man put those on also . David did the interior work for Mark , and then she was done . Mark reached down and turned the key . The engine fired up immediately and purred like a kitten . Mark stepped down on the accelerator , watched the tachometer go up , pushed in the clutch , put the Trans Am in reverse , and started backing out the driveway . As Mark backed down the driveway he wanted to do a burn out in front of the house , but Lisa did get on to him the last time he did it . He just smiled , put the car in first and took off for his parts . Lisa finished her bookkeeping at the kitchen table . She looked at her watch , looked at Herman and asked , " You ready for work , Herman ? " Herman began to wag his tail . Lisa led Herman out to the garage and into her Nissan Altima . Lisa liked the Trans Am but she preferred to drive her Altima . The trip to the bank was only a fifteen - minute drive . Englewood only had four red lights , and downtown wasn 't that long . She made it there at her usual 8 : 45am time . After all , she was the bank manager and couldn 't afford to be late . Lisa pulled into the bank parking lot and shut her engine off . Herman seemed to be excited . She opened the door of the Altima and Herman jumped out and headed for the front door of the bank . Lisa cried out , " Hey , slow down . Wait for me . " She reached the front door and unlocked it . As she turned the knob to unlock the door she noticed the alarm didn 't go off . Normally when she did this the bank alarm went off for thirty seconds till she reset the code inside the bank , but for some reason it didn 't do that . She opened the door and Herman jumped in the bank first and headed to his blanket . Lisa walked over to the other side of the bank and checked the control box on the wall . It said all systems were working normally . The alarm system of the bank had not been upgraded since Lisa was first hired as a teller . She walked to her desk and looked in her Rolodex for the alarm company to call about the alarm . She wanted to make sure it was working properly . She wasn 't too worried . This is Englewood . Who would want to rob us ? The bank door opened and Amy walked in . " Good morning , Lisa . " " Morning , Herman . " Herman met Janice halfway across the lobby . She reached down and petted him on the head . As Janice walked to her workstation she noticed Herman didn 't follow her over to it . Instead he just sat there , staring out the bank door . Janice put her purse in her desk but Herman still sat there . " Herman , you ok , honey ? " Lisa shouted . At first Herman didn 't respond . Lisa called him again . " Herman , come here . " Herman sat there for a minute , then stood up and walked back to his blanket . Lisa wondered what was wrong with him . Maybe a stray cat was out there or something . Lisa looked around her desk for some papers she needed to get finished for some customers . Then she saw the rock . It was a rock that Mark had given her on her eighteenth birthday . He had found the rock when he was doing one of his handyman jobs for Miss Johnson . He had picked it up when he was cleaning up her yard . The rock was special to Lisa . It reminded her of how when they were kids they would go to the lake and skip rocks across it . This rock was special because Mark had sanded it down to a smooth finish . He had painted the rock a bright red . He had clear - coated it . In white letters he had painted an " I " , then a heart , then a " U " , and clear - coated it again . It was Mark 's way of saying he loved her . She picked up the rock and held it . A good rock , she thought . I could get some distance with this one . It was special , so she had just kept it all these years . She placed the rock back on her desk . Mark was making great time on his parts run . The speed limit on the highway was seventy and he was pushing that to its limit . He wanted to make sure that he was back in time to meet David . Mark got off at the airport exit and turned left , back over the freeway . He was hoping there wouldn 't be too much traffic going in and out of the airport . He didn 't mind the drive to get his parts , but he always wondered why they would never ship them to his house or to the bank in Englewood . He did have to custom - order these parts because the planes he owned were so old , but they were still in great working condition . He pulled into the parking lot of the small aviation company and shut down the engine . As Mark walked along toward the hanger he looked over at the planes sitting on the tarmac , mostly Cessnas , a few piper cubs . He stopped to get a closer look at the plane of his dreams . It was a bright yellow crop duster . Mark just shook his head . Maybe someday . In the hanger at the counter he told the clerk he was there to pick up some parts . The clerk asked the name . Mark replied , " Marisa Aviation . " Mark had named the business using part of his name and part of Lisa 's name . Lisa has always supported him in his decisions . He wanted her to be part of the business also . When he had told her the business name , Lisa had smiled and said , " Thank You . " Shit . Shoulda drove the pick up or Lisa 's Altima . He wrote the man a check for the parts and the clerk wheeled the box out with Mark . As Mark walked back he had to slow his pace and take one more look at the yellow crop duster sitting there . He again shook his head and smiled . Maybe someday . He popped the trunk on the Trans Am . Mark just smiled and said , " Nope . " The clerk dropped the box and headed back to the hangar . Mark opened one end of the box to look inside . Luckily it was just rudder control cables and they used a much bigger box than needed . He took out the cable , laid them in the trunk and folds up the box , seeing a dumpster close by to dispose of the box . Mark sat back in the Trans Am and started the engine . He looked down at his watch . I 've got plenty of time to make it back to see David . He put the Trans Am in reverse , backed out of the parking spot , and sat there for a second . Hmm , Lisa 's not here . He put the car in first revved it up to about 4 , 000 rpm and dropped the clutch . The rear tires spun , blue smoke flowed out from under them , and when the positraction rear end caught , the Trans Am sped away with a smile on Mark 's face . Lisa was ready for the day . She was excited that David was coming by to see her and Mark . He used to email them on a regular basis about the air shows with the Texan , but then he got busy down in Texas and they had lost touch . She thought it had been two years now since they had seen him in person . The bank door opened and in came in Miss Miller , dragging Tommy behind her as usual . Lisa thought Tommy was around six or seven . Miss Miller called last week to say that she would be coming by today . Tommy wanted to start his own savings account . Lisa smiled at Tommy . He kind of hid behind his mom . Being a Monday morning in the middle of the month and all she figured it would be a slow day . Most people came into the bank around the first of the month or the last of the month , not in the middle . Lisa looked at her watch . It was around 11 : 30 am . She was looking forward to seeing David . She poured herself a cup of coffee , smiled at Tommy again , and walked back to her desk . When Lisa had taken over as bank manager , within six months she had remodeled to advertise an open - door policy with the community . She had her office door removed and the wall taken down . A four - foot partition ran the length of the lobby . She could have some privacy but get her " open door " point across . Lisa did some paper work but looked up when she heard the door open . The two girls gathered their purses and headed out the door . Lisa headed back to her desk . She could see the front door from there . If a customer came in she could get up easily and go to the teller window . " What is it , honey ? " Two men came in the front door . One headed toward the teller desk while the other man stopped only about five feet inside the doorway . Lisa stood up to see better . By this time Herman 's growl had gotten louder and the hair on the back of his neck stood straight up . She motioned to Mark . Lisa nodded in the direction of the man standing at the teller desk . If the feeling she had was wrong she would explain to the Sheriff . Lisa leaned slowly over and hit the silent alarm button on her desk . She didn 't take the time to look to see that the light didn 't turned red , showing the alarm was inactive . Herman began to move slowly toward the man at the teller window , then sprang . He covered the twenty feet in record time . The man saw the dog coming at him but didn 't think an old dog could move so fast . Herman caught him dead in the chest and knocked him down . Herman was a big dog , eighty - five pounds at least . " Herman , come here . Herman , please , baby , come here . " Herman ignored Lisa and kept up his attack . He had already chewed the man 's arm up as he tried to fight him off . Herman let go of the man 's arm and tried to catch the man in the throat as he screamed in pain . The man at the front door fired his gun in the air . Startled , Herman stopped his attack . The man by the teller window was still screaming in pain and writhing on the floor , bleeding badly from Herman 's rage . Mark yelled for Herman but instead of coming to Mark , Herman began to make a wide circle between Mark and the man with the gun . Herman didn 't take his eyes off the man with the gun as he tried to get between them . All the while Mark and Lisa could see the rage in him building . They had never seen him act like this before . As Herman made his circle he closed the gap between himself and the man with the gun and leaped . The man tried to aim at Herman . Lisa screamed , " No ! " She reached down , picked up the rock on her desk , flung it at the man with the gun , and caught him in the side of the head . It stunned the man . His shot went wild . Herman caught the man , knocked him down , and started his attack . Mark tried to run over to Herman and help . Something tripped him up . David held his pant leg . Mark saw the red stain on David 's chest . " She is not my girlfriend , she is my wife . " Mark launched himself at Sam . Sam fired a shot at Mark that hit him in the arm but only grazed him . He was just about to fire another shot when Herman leaned over and bit Sam on the Achilles tendon . Jerk . The shot went wide left . Mark hit Sam with all his force and knocked him down , full of rage for Sam shooting Lisa . Mark was on top of Sam pounding his fist in his face , his head , wherever he could inflict any pain . Sam caught Mark with a right cross and knocked him off balance for a moment . Sam grabbed a handful of Mark 's hair and pulled him over , getting on top of Mark . He struck Mark in the face and just as Sam was about to hit Mark again Mark heard a shot . Sam 's head exploded and his body fell over to the side . David lay on the floor with a gun in his hands . " Their mother was my sister . She left the boys before you two had the rock incident . I was in the Navy . I was always away . I felt responsible for not being there when they needed me . Their dad was a piece of shit . When word got out about the rock throwing , he beat those boys every day . He said , " No one gets over a Jenkins . " Their dad found their mom and beat her up too . She killed herself shortly after . So I felt responsible . The boys found me in Texas at an air show . They said I owed them something . " " Bobby did . He always had a big mouth . They wanted money , so I thought they could rob the bank . I would be here so you two wouldn 't get hurt . I never dreamed it would happen like this . " " I 'm sorry , son . I never meant any harm . I just thought it would be an easy robbery and the boys would leave . " They heard the sirens approaching , getting louder as they got closer . " Mark , Lisa , please forgive me . " Mark smiled at her . Mark looked around the bank in disbelief . Sam lay dead by the door , shot by his uncle . David was dead beside Mark , shot by his nephew . Bobby rolled and screamed by the teller stand , in agony because of Herman 's attack . Mark sat by Lisa 's bedside for two straight days . Since the surgery for her gunshot wound she had been in and out of it . Luckily it was a through and through . A slight knock roused him and the Sheriff entered . Mark walked over and shook hands . Mark took a moment to think . " Lisa and I got married when we were twenty . It was a few years after that , so I 'm thinking maybe ten years now . " " Oh yeah . The vet thinks ol ' Hermy may be close to twenty years old . Very rare for a dog his size . " The sheriff held out an envelope . A note from the vet on the envelope said , " Thought you might find this interesting . I had to shave the hair off Herman 's leg for surgery and found this . " Inside the envelope was a picture of Herman 's hind leg . Mark looked at the picture in awe . There on Herman 's leg were burned the words , " Property of Sam and Bobby Jenkins . " " I 'll be damned , " Mark said . As he walked over to the bedside to watch over Lisa , he looked at the painting over the bed . He had never really paid attention to it till now . It wasn 't a Norman Rockwell or any fancy painting , just something you might see in a hospital , motel , or a doctor 's office . As Mark looked at it , He smiled at a little boy and a little girl about eight years old , down by the lake skipping rocks . What really surprised Mark was in the bottom right hand corner of the painting was one word : Crazy Thoughts from a Sane Man · humor , sarcasm , satire , and things to make you laugh . Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Crazy Thoughts from a Sane Man Blog at WordPress . com . Post to

Maddie has become very touchy lately . She has to have her arm around you or your arm around her shoulders when we read books together every time . Today she and Ben we watching Tom and Jerry cartoons again when I noticed she had put her arm around Ben . It was so cute . I went to get the camera and when I returned , he had put his arm around her . They sat like that for a while , enjoying their show . I 'm glad they are such good friends . I hope it stays that way forever . Maddie has been hard to put down for naps and for bedtime for weeks . She screams and cries and fights . It 's exhausting . I 've been wondering if it is a test of wills or if it is time for her to give up her nap . Today she was acting totally fine , happier than usual so I decided to skip naps and see how it went . She ought to be really tired and go to be really easily . This is what Brian found in our room when he came home from work around 4 pm . Later when I went to wake her up , it looked like she had tried to get up , but just couldn 't quite make it . I guess we 're not quite ready to skip naps . Hallelujah ! ! Posted by Jacob was whiny last night and upset and squirmy for a few hours . Finally I fed him and put him happily in his bed at about 1 : 00 am . I woke up at 6 : 17 am and wondered where Jacob was . I hadn 't heard him at all through the night , but sometimes that happens . Brian never sleeps well so if he 's already up , he 'll grab Jacob and give him a bottle so I can sleep . I know , he 's a keeper . But , he didn 't do the bottle thing last night . Jacob actually slept over 5 hours ! What a good night ! Another Brian present . He installed a motion sensor in our main floor bathroom . It 's fantastic . Maddie is now willing to wash her hands alone because the light goes on automatically for her . Between the automatic light and the new sink faucet life is good for my little girl . Knowing that I requested a motion sensor - remote control type of gadget be installed in my house makes me laugh today . Remote control stuff has a history in our house . When we were first married , we did the whole wedding and honeymoon thing like everyone else . We returned home and I moved into the apartment we had rented together . The first morning I spent there came with some surprises . I was jolted from a peaceful sleep by a floodlight switching on directly in my face . Okay , it was just the bedroom light , but it had been dark and now it was bright as noonday . " What the heck ? " I wondered . I laid there for a bit , waiting for Brian to wake up . He did not . I waited and waited . It was WAY earlier than I needed to get up . I laid there , trying to sleep for about an hour . Then his alarm started going off . He got up . Finally ! He was getting up . Nope . He pushed snooze ( like the rest of us ) for another thirty minutes . After laying in bed for an hour we finally got up , got ready for work and headed out the door . Being a love sick newlywed , I didn 't mention the terrible morning events . Unfortunately for me , it happened again the next day . And the next and the next . I don 't know how many days until I had to say something . I was loosing a solid hour and a half of quality sleep time every single day . I know I didn 't make it a week though before I broke . The newlywed bliss was ended . We had to talk . In his defense , he had a logical argument for the insanity . It is easier to adjust and wake up to a lighted room . It is more natural for your body . True . And if I wasn 't jolted from a sound sleep each morning only to lay in bed for an hour each morning trying to sleep with a pillow over my head , it would have been fine . Turns out that in high school Brian had worked at RadioShack . While he was gainfully employed there , he had purchased a snazy alarm clock that works with your wall outlets and light switches . You replace the standard outlet or wall switch with the RadioShack remote one and then your remote can be set to turn on or off any light or gadget . He had installed the remote light switch in our bedroom and a wall outlet to control the air conditioner . Once when Kristie came over she was confused by all the remotes and still to this day asks Brian when he 's going to put the toilet on remote too . Through the years we have had tons of things on remote . . . the porch light , christmas tree lights and lights in the yard , air conditioner , fans , ceiling lights , etc . My favorite has been the Christmas lights on our tree . He has every kid we 've ever known convinced that if they blow on the tree it turns on and if you clap your hands it turns off or vice versa . In Houston , the Boseman 's daughter Rhiannon went home and told her mom that Brian was cooler than her daddy because he had a magic tree and she didn 't like their tree anymore . Some of you may remember reading about " Scream - fest 2008 " in July of last year . Both kids screamed at the top of their lungs through the entire dentist visit . Their next 6 month cleaning was this morning and I guess you could say we did 50 % better than last time . Only Maddie screamed the whole time . This time I resorted to a straight up bribe with a high value prize for Ben . I didn 't even bother with Maddie because I couldn 't afford the risk of her failing . Then I wouldn 't be able to take Ben for his reward if he was tough enough to earn it . As a point of reference , no fast food joint in Northern Virginia seems to have a playland . Isn 't that almost morally wrong ? All McDonald 's and Burger Kings should be obligated to have one . Anyway , there is one in the area and I totally used it in my favor today . It 's about a 20 minute drive from the house , but . . . it 's across the street from the pediatric dentist office . I promised Ben if he would not scream and would open his mouth when they asked him too , we would go straight to the playland and get breakfast at McDonald 's and he could play for a long time . Ben did NOT enjoy the dentist today , but he followed all my bribe instructions and earned the playland . He did awesome ! They even asked him to do x - rays , which were COMPLETELY out of the question last time . Brian and I looked at each other and I felt my stomach drop to the floor . He had done so well , this could put him over the edge and he would loose the playland reward ! Before I could protest for him , Ben jumped off the chair and followed the lady down the hall . All right ! ! Once he couldn 't see me anymore , I followed and stood outside the door in case he freaked out when they put the things in his mouth . He gagged a bit , but doesn 't everybody ? He never cried and when he was done , I snuck back to the room and he came running down the hall to us with a super huge smile . It made me proud that he had done a hard thing alone . After we checked out of the office , Brian helped us load into the car . He headed to work and I took the three kids to McDonalds for breakfast . We dined on pancakes , sausage , biscut , scrambled egg and super big french fires ( hash browns ) . I let them play for an hour and a half . I was bored out of my mind , but hey , it 's not all about me and Ben earned it . Now the bad news . Since they had x - rays , they found four cavities between his molars . We better start flossing . In any case , we can either sedate him to fix them or have him strapped in a straight jacket with laughing gas . Both are extremely expensive and it seems like a waste since the teeth will fall out in a few years anyway . I 've recently had two friends go through the same thing . I 'll have to find out what they recommend , but if anyone else has advise I 'm all ears . Brian took the kids sledding in the snow Tuesday . Tuesday night we got sleet and freezing rain . Wednesday everything was covered in ice . Brian worked from home again and I took Ben and Maddie out to sled again . It was less than successful . They could barely walk . Maddie kept falling and crying . Ben did okay and was excited . We climbed the hill together a few times and sledded down . Maddie got mad if Ben went without her . Then she would sit on the sled and not let us go down . She just wanted to sit and be pulled around . Finally she said she wanted to go inside with her Daddy . I pushed her down the hill on the sled while she screamed she didn 't want to go down the hill . Then I walked her to the house . Ben was excited to be outside and sled alone with me until we got to the house . As soon as he saw her go in , he decided he was done . End of the day . So we didn 't have much fun today . Next time I 'll take the snow day . Brian got up to shower and get ready for work this morning . I went down to the kitchen to get breakfast for Maddie . When Brian came downstairs I was surprised to see he was not in his regular work attire of a collared shirt and tie . He was sporting a classy neon orange t - shirt and blue jeans . I questioned , " So I see you 're not planning to go to work today . May I ask why ? " His reply , " It 's a snow day of course . " I looked out the window and laughed . " What ? Are you from Florida ? That 's nothing . I thought you were from Utah . " He assured me that he was from Utah but most people that live here aren 't . There was a liberal leave policy in place for the day because of the snow and he was choosing to take it . The day turned out to produce 2 " of snow by dinner time . The kids did better today than ever before at letting Dad work except for one time in the morning . I got them all dressed in their snow gear to go in the backyard to play in the snow . I told them quite specifically that Daddy had to work right now and that he could maybe take some playtime at lunch . They were both finally all bundled up and the headed down the stairs . . . straight to Brian and asked , " Ready to go play outside Dad ? " He was more than happy to oblige . He took them sledding in front of the house . Then Ben helped shovel the walks . They both had lots of fun and came back inside happy and hungry . Then it was back to work and I made lunch and tried to entertain the rest of the day inside . Ben did some puzzles with me and Maddie found the dress up box and enjoyed some time playing doctor . I think we need Aunt Kristie to teach her how to use the stethoscope properly . Then she found the pool toys and just had to wear the swim gear for a while . The results are in . I think Brian 's comment at dinner last night is the best indicator of how my second attempt at homemade bread went . He said , " Have you called Megan to see how to make it yet ? " You could rightfully say it wasn 't a complete success . Just because I wasn 't totally confident about the results , I took the first loaf out of the oven after 30 minutes when the recipe said and left the other in three more minutes . Just looking at the bottom of the two loaves it was obvious the 30 minute loaf was undercooked and the 33 minute loaf looked much better . Now that we have tasted the second loaf , it was yummy . It could likely use another minute or two of cooking , but it was a reasonable success . I 'll keep trying buy attempt # 2 , loaf # 2 gives me hope ! How is your bruxism ? I saw a report on the news today about teeth grinding . Apparently it 's called bruxism . A year ago last fall I felt a chunk of something break off my tooth . I thought , dang , a filling or something fell out . I had an appointment with the dentist two weeks already scheduled , so when I went in I mentioned it . They couldn 't find anything missing , but I did have three edges chipped off three different teeth . The dentist asked if I grind my teeth . If I did , it would easily explain what was going on . I didn 't think I did . That night and for the next three days , I realized that I grind my teeth all day and all night . Ugh . So I got the darn night guard and in a week had weared it down severely . I guess I do grind my teeth ! Who knew . Brian and I discussed last night Ben 's addiction to watching Tom and Jerry cartoons on the internet last night . It seemed a shame to make him stop at first , he was just so happy . We finally decided that the newness wasn 't wearing off and he had watched for three or four hours each day for four days in a row . He was addicted . We needed to set some limits since he didn 't seem to be loosing interest like kids usually do in new toys . Ben watched for over an hour this morning then I called him to lunch . I explained that after lunch we would turn off the computer and play with our toys and use our imaginations . He almost went into instant meltdown . " But I just paused the show to eat my lunch . What if I can 't find it again tomorrow ? ! ? ! " I agreed that he could finish his episode before he turned it off . He was pretty obedient and I believe he turned it off when he should without sneaking another one , though he did sort of jump and look guilty when I walked into the room . We did fine for an hour or so , then the whining started . He wanted to watch more Tom and Jerry and nothing else was fun enough . Eventually he got to watch a DVD because Maddie screamed for over an hour and I needed him occupied while I dealt with her . When Maddie finally settled down after an hour and a half I took Ben down to play some card games . Then we worked on memorizing " sight words " to help him with his reading . He earned chocolate chips by doing flash cards . When he got bored with all that , he begged to use the computer again . I agreed on the condition that he play an educational game . Of course I didn 't say " educational " to him , he doesn 't know they are teaching him something . He just thinks they are fun . He wasn 't in the mood for any of our games , so he started tantruming and stamping his feet about not being able to do what he wanted . I told him he could yell and be mean , but I 'd send him to his room . It took him almost thirty minutes to pick a game to play . In the mean time , I took the chance to try to teach Maddie how to use the mouse on the computer . It cracked me up to see her try . Everytime I would tell her to move the mouse up to get the arrow to go up on the monitor , she would lift the mouse up in the air . I felt dumb . Of course that makes sense to her . Since when does " up " mean move your mouse across the table away from you ? How do you explain this ? I guess we 'll just keep practicing . She got a lot better just in our 30 minute lesson today . Eventually Ben settled into a math game and practiced his addition with me and Brian when he came home . He 's doing well for a four year old . Hope he can deal with the Tom and Jerry limits tomorrow . Little snow flurries are gently floating down outside my window right now . I don 't think we 'll get enough to cover the ground or make a snowball , but I 'm dreaming of it anyway . Ben is almost desperate for snow . Keep your fingers crossed . . . Ben has filled our home with pure and innocent laughter the last four or five days . I showed him Tom and Jerry on YouTube and he is totally addicted . He wants to watch hour after hour after hour of the episodes . He laughs endlessly and loudly . I can 't help but smile as I listen to him and as the corners my mouth turn upward I think how wonderful it is that he can enjoy the same fun cartoons Brian and I watched as children . Jacob has officially outgrown his first outfit . I put it away today and it made me sad to realize he is getting bigger . Just from looking at him there is no denying it though . He is our first baby that has any degree of " chub " to him . We 're totally enjoying it too . I finally , after two months , broke out the Bosch and used it the first time since it arrived . I 've just been to tired since it came to do any baking at all . So , I made bread . I tried my friend Megan Fife 's bread recipe . It was simply delicious when Megan made it . Not quite as great when I tried . In my defense , I started making it , got the hot water to activate the yeast when Jacob had to nurse and Maddie had to use the potty . So it wasn 't exactly in prime " warm " condition when I returned to finish the job . Oh well . I can always try again if we can finish eating the two dense loaves on the counter . Here 's to next time , eh ? We had an absolutely delicious dinner tonight . Thanks for cooking and freezing some meals when you were here for Jacob 's birth . Tonight we dined on manicotti , YUMMY ! It was a real blessing to not have to organize a meal tonight . You 're service is still blessing our lives a month and a half later . Thank you . Thank you . Thank you . I love you . I have wanted to make homemade french fries for years , but didn 't have a deep fryer or a fry slicer . My Bosch mixer was on a special sale when I bought it so we got a blender and food shredder with french fry cutting blade . Now I just needed the deep fryer and I finally borrowed one from Mali last week . Of course , then I kept running out of time every night to make them . One night Brian offered to do it for me while I made grilled ham sandwiches . Ben was really excited and got totally involved in helping . As usual , Maddie was near by and in the way , trying to touch everything - including the 375 degree oil . Heating the oil was pretty boring , but they wouldn 't leave their chairs for fear of missing something . Now we 've made fries three times and they are absolutely delicious . True to form , Brian always does things just a little bit better than your average Joe . He made spicy fries . Here is the recipe : Slice potatoes into French fries , and place into cold water so they won 't turn brown while you prepare the oil . Heat oil in a large skillet over medium - high heat . While the oil is heating , sift the flour , garlic salt , onion salt , ( regular ) salt , and paprika into a large bowl . Gradually stir in enough water so that the mixture can be drizzled from a spoon . Dip potato slices into the batter one at a time , and place in the hot oil so they are not touching at first . The fries must be placed into the skillet one at a time , or they will clump together . Fry until golden brown and crispy . Remove and drain on paper towels . After my sweet , sweet middle of the night with Jacob wishing he could stay in that moment forever , he woke again at 6 am , just an hour after I laid him in his bed . He cried for almost an hour and couldn 't be settled . I kept thinking to myself , remember the sweetness , remember the sweetness , remember the sweetness . I guess we have those special moments to pull us through the hard ones . 4 am Jacob wakes . I drag myself out of bed to nurse him . We get situated in the rocking chair . I grab a blanket to keep warm in the chill of the night . He eats for a bit then starts to doze off . Time to burp him , so we adjust positions . I put his tiny little body up on my chest and rest his head on my shoulder and begin to mechanically pat his back . It 's different tonight . I notice his sweet baby scent . His body is warm against mine , his cheek pressed against my cheek . In that moment my heart melts . I can hear his tiny breath going in and out as my hand feels his chest rise and fall . He is comfortable and happy in his safe place . No one to interrupt my happiness . No one asking for my attention or pulling me in other directions . They are all resting safe and peaceful , leaving me to enjoy my quiet , precious baby . In this moment we are frozen in time together . It 's the middle of the night and I 'm as wide awake as I could ever be , connecting with my perfect baby boy . I wish I could capture this moment and hold it forever in my mind and heart . Lauren was over today and commented how Jacob looks EXACTLY like Maddie did when she was born . I had the laptop within reach , so we pulled up some pictures of all three kids between 6 and 8 weeks . What do you think ? In person I think Maddie and Jacob are the same , in the pictures , the resemblance between Jacob and Ben seems pretty strong . January shouldn 't be this warm , but I 'm not going to complain that it was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day today ! The high was near 50 degrees . We watched some neighbor kids in the morning for two different families , then when they left , I took the kids outside for a while . Ben made me take pictures of him jumping and he practiced his photography skills by taking some pictures of me . Jacob quickly fell asleep in the baby carrier I was wearing so I soon took it off and grabbed a little chair for him . He slept outside in his chair all bundled up to stay warm . Once I was baby - free , it wasn 't long before I was chasing the kids around , up and down the field and around the sink hole . Ben and I were chased each other all over until we were both panting and tired as we kicked a few balls around and played steal the ball . Maddie chased us until she was to frustrated by never being able to catch us . I was laughing so hard with Ben and loving the moment completely when I realized , I ' M RUNNING ! ! It has been so long since I actually ran . Pregnancy slows me down so much , I hate it . Running again ! It felt good , even exhilarating . I hope I can keep it up . My sister - in - law Juli has almost inspired me to take up running . It would be so good for me , even if it isn 't miles and miles of running , just running with the kids is good for my soul if nothing else . I love spending time with them and hearing them laugh happily because they are having fun with me . Posted by On Saturday night I was chaperoning a youth dance at the church . Brian decided to try putting Maddie down to bed without her binkie . He said it was totally fine . She didn 't whine or ask for it . After a while though , she started crying and hollering from her room . Eventually he gave in and gave her the binkie . Only after he offered the binkie did her learn that she had simply wanted a drink of water . Oops . Sunday morning , not knowing anything of the night before , I decided she didn 't need to take the binkie to church anymore . She only gets it to sleep and with the switch to the morning services , she wasn 't going to sleep and no longer needed it at church . She ended up throwing a huge tantrum and Brian left soon after the service started , not to return until the last five minutes . They had a knock down - drag out fight in one of the empty classrooms and even spent fifteen minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck with Maddie on his lap to get her under control . The binkie would have ended the whole show if we had just it . Oh well . We have to ditch it sometime . After we were all in bed on Sunday night , Brian told me how close to getting rid of the binkie he had been on Saturday night until his little mistake . He planned to do it again on Monday night . Monday came and we went to a " dessert party " at a friends house . Upon our arrival home , both kids were in a disasterous state . Ben was hitting and kicking and spitting on both of us because he was overtired . Maddie wasn 't much better . Not the night to start the no - binkie routine we decided . Last night I was away for an hour again , just about bedtime . Upon my return , Maddie ran downstairs to greet me when she heard me come in the door . I took her back up to her bed and noticed Ben crying . I snuggled him and reassured him he didn 't have to be scared of bad dreams and we said a special prayer that God would protect him in his sleep to be safe from bad guys and to have good dreams . After watching me spend so much time with Ben , Maddie got bored and came over to me and started weeping and asking for her binkie . I asked Maddie where the binkie was , to which she told me , " Daddy said it got lost , but I weally need it to go in my mouth wight here ( pointing to mouth ) so I could sleep wight now . " I validated her concern and asked another totally random question . She perked right up and chatted with me about the other topic for several minutes until all thoughts of binkies were long gone from her little head . Then I gave her a huge hug , laid her down in her bed and didn 't hear another word from her the rest of the night . She did wake once in the middle of the night . Brian went to help her . She wanted nothing to do with him and never asked for the binkie . After a few minutes she settled herself and went back to sleep . Today she kept insisting that I had her binkies in my pocket . I turned them inside out to prove there wasn 't anything in there . She seemed satisfied and hasn 't asked for them since , even at naptime . If it was going to be this easy , we should have gotten rid of the binkie months ago . I 'm not sure it would have been easy earlier , but you never know . Now we just hope the finger sucking doesn 't become an issue , because that is totally disgusting to have slimy , slobbery fingers all over your house . Brian and I aren 't really as tough as I make it sound though . If we were truely strong parents , we would have thrown the binkies away . We still have all five of them tucked in Brian 's sock drawer . . . just in case . I was excited about the inauguration today . It is a moment in history to be sure . We have elected a black man to the highest office in the country . No one would have believed it possible 50 years ago . With such a historic moment , why then , did Obama choose to make inauguration speech more of a campaign speech ? He seemed to take unnecessary swipes at the Bush administration . Things like we will no longer use tactics of fear in the world and we will keep the broken promises to New Orleans . That was totally offensive to me . We weren 't in a campaign anymore . It was not an appropriate place to attack Bush . The worst thing though , was that closing prayer . HELLO ! ! ! That was undeniably bad by almost anyone 's account . Some sorry old man ranting on about racism . . . in a prayer no less . What was he thinking ? Saying brown doesn 't have to give back anymore - so they can be lazy ? Let yellow be mellow ? Huh ? Red get ahead ? Can they not now ? Lastly , and worst by far , let white do what is right . Idiot . How come everyone blames everything on the white man . Is there no personal accountability anymore ? Idiots . All of them . Idiots . This one goes out to all my friends who actually were lucky enough to get tickets the the inauguration today . That is amazing and cool that you get to witness history just a few miles from our houses this morning . Since I have little people who would not fully appreciate the significance of the event ( and would wine and cry all day so as to make it a miserable experience ) we didn 't even attempt to get tickets . In order to make myself feel better right now , I just wanted to say that it is windy and 19 degrees F . After wind chill is factored in it feels like 10 degrees F . I am sitting inside watching the news coverage and the newscasters worshiping Obama . I have a t - shirt and jeans with no socks . I 'm toasty warm . How about you guys ? * * Side note * * I just went to Microsoft 's website to search for a clipart for this post . I put in " united states " and the first TWO clipart pictures that came up were pictures of Obama 's face . Hello . He doesn 't define the country . Ugh . The country is so enamored with him . We 're starting to get frequent smiles from Jacob . It is fun to see him respond to me . I can 't seem to get a picture though . If the camera is in his face , he is too distracted by it to focus on my face and smile . I suppose there will be many happy smiles to come in the years ahead . I hope you know how amazing you are . Remember how " We are ' posed to be together . " ? There is no one else that could be my perfect compliment . Here is a mix of my favorite Brian memories , things you do that I appreciate and my favorite things about you . . . You are my glow boy and have been since Day # 1 . That 's what I remember about you from the very first moment I saw you . You were opening the door on your parent 's Bronco for your girlfriend at their house and I noticed right off your huge smile and your countenance literally glowed from the inside out . They say you should find a guy that treats you like a queen . I had been out with lots of nice guys and thought I knew what that meant . Turns out I had no idea what it meant until I started dating you . No one was so sweet or kind as you are . You have strong hands and are always willing to help massage my neck to get rid of my headaches and tight muscles . No matter how many times they do it , you are always willing to happily pretend you can 't find the kids after they run to hide as you open the front door after work . When you find them , you always act scared when they say " Boo ! " or roar like a lion . . . day after day after day after day . You are a finisher . When I loose interest in a project and let other things distract me so I can 't return to something , you quietly finish up the detail work like paining the baseboards or changing out the light switch covers or other little things . I randomly find broken things around the house fixed . Toys , stairs , lights , switches , faucets , towel racks , door latches , CD player in the truck ( over and over and over ) the list goes on and on and on . You tease me in a sweet way . I just wish I could remember if I made the bed or if you did it this morning so you couldn 't give me such a hard time . Just in case it was you today , thanks . Computers are your thing and you love to help others out . The pile of CPUs and monitors in the basement may make me nuts sometimes , but it 's nothing compared to the junk I hoard . Plus , you 're keeping them to fix up and give away to other people . Not so with my piles of junk . Your heart is so selfless . Organization is your middle name . If I didn 't live here , our house would be the most organized place in the country . You always have a place for everything and always manPosted by I 'm sad . There is nothing left to countdown . Eleven more months of regular life before we gear up for Christmas again . I felt like I missed Christmas this year . Christmas is more than a day , it 's a season . I didn 't realize what that really meant . I figured if I had a baby really close to Christmas I wouldn 't like it much . Who wants to be recovering from surgery on Christmas Day ? I wanted to be up and around for the big day . Maybe I miscalculated . By having the baby early on the 5th , I missed every single holiday party . I felt like I missed the season completely while my family went out to event after event . Maddie would squeek loudly with every breath she took when she nursed . There was no incognito nursing with her , we always attracted attention . That earned her the name of Squeeky . This little poem hangs in the nursery in our home and expresses my sentiments perfectly as we have welcomed all three children into our home . Today little Jacob is on my mind . What an awesome responsibility to teach them of God and His love . Ben and Maddie had a babysitter last night while Brian and I went out for his birthday dinner . They LOVE our neighbor Katie so we asked her to come over . Before I left I gave her a new diaper for Maddie and pajamas . When we got home they were both all ready for bed and reading stories . She is the best . This morning we were getting breakfast when Maddie screams out , " OH NO ! My diaper is falling off . " I unzipped her pajamas and saw she was wearing a Jacob sized diaper . It was snug to say the least . I laughed and asked if Katie had to change a stinky diaper last night . She confirmed . Poor Katie probably couldn 't find the right size and did the best she could . It was cute . I 'll have Katie back anyday ! The kids just love her . Here is a song telling about my life with Brian . He is amazing and has helped me fulfill all the dreams I 've ever had . I love being with him anywhere , anytime . I tell him regularly that I can 't live without him , so when it comes time , I get to pass away first . I cannot imagine my life without him . Ben spent some of his Christmas money on a model kit and today wanted to build and paint it so he could play with it . I had some Christmas decorations I bought last year that I never got painted and put up for this Christmas season , so I got us all set up and ready to go . The table was covered in plastic , everyone had a painting smock on . Maddie was anxious to get going and I grabbed an old wooden Santa I didn 't want anymore for her to paint . I gave her the Santa and a paint brush while I grabbed a paper plate and the paint . When I returned she informed me that she was doing just fine and didn 't want any paint . She proceeded to brush the Santa without paint for about five minutes then she told me it was finished and went to play . I wish every painting project could always be that clean . Why can I not get into any Batman movie ? I 've watched them all and haven 't enjoyed a single one . We just finished The Dark Night . Same . Couldn 't care less about the plot . Didn 't enjoy the movie . Ended up checking email for the entire two hours while I sort of watched with very little attention . I guess it just isn 't my style . But I 'll keep " watching " with Brian . I do enjoy the time together . When we board an airplane , Ben sits in his seat and immediately pulls out the safety card . He reviews all the instructions and pictures . Then he reviews all the points with us so that we are aware of how to exit the plane in case of a water landing . He asks where is lifejacket is in that particular plane and about where the exits are . Safety first has always been our motto at our house . Brian rarely does any repair work at the house without safety glasses . It is so cute to see Ben internalizing it . We announced to the kids today that we were going to Disneyland in May when Tio Jota gets married . Ben is really excited to see Mickey Mouse . Brian decided that we should have a backwards night . We got the kids in pajamas and had breakfast for dinner . Ben was totally on board for the fun night and in keeping with our celebrations , I made Mickey Mouse pancakes . Posted by What do you do when your two year old sees a dress that she hasn 't worn in a while and demands " The pink dress , mommy ! " You let her wear it , of course . What do you do when after you put it on , you realize it is so short it doesn 't even cover her diaper anymore ? I would NEVER have let her out of the house if she was 12 years old , but at 2 I guess I just wasn 't going to fight her over the PINK dress . She was dead set on it . It will not make it back into the closet again . You know when something is happening in your area that totally consumes the news coverage ? Well , we live in metro Washington DC and Obama is about to take office . You wouldn 't believe the saturation of media coverage on the news about Obama and everything that he does . The inauguration is totally consuming the news every single evening . On Saturday night we were watching the news . We got bored with a very lengthy report on Obama 's arrival in DC . They were giving ridiculous amounts of detail on what Obama had for lunch and where he ate . We switched channels . Same report on the next station and the next and the next . Not kidding all four networks were giving extensive detail and lengthy reports on his lunch schedule for the day . I 'm really tired of the inauguration and can 't wait for it to be over . One more week to go and I 'm on countdown . We 've lived in our house for almost three years now . We have a few lights with multiple switches that you can turn on or off from different locations . Whoever installed them put some sets so to have the light off , one switch is up and one switch is down . It has always bothered me but I don 't touch wires or electricity . It scares me . Thus I have never attempted to change them . At the end of the day Friday Brian asked something about if I noticed the light switches . The entire day I had been switching one light switch at a time , trying to get them all " properly aligned " in my own particular way as I walked up and down the stairs . I couldn 't seem to get everything in place , but figured the kids were moving them around between my trips up and down the stairs . It was really starting to bother me that I couldn 't get them all right . Turns out the night before Brian had changed them all so down means " off " on every floor of the house . It could have made me loose my mind if it had gone on long enough , but now that I know , I LOVE it . I think I sleep better at night now . We are at just about five weeks now and little Jacob seems to have just woken up . It is so nice to see his eyes once in a while . I 'm enjoying just that simple little change . It was like he woke up overnight and it is a delightful surprise for a mother 's heart . Now it doesn 't seem so silly to talk to him and I 'm sure his personality will begin to emerge in the next few weeks . I wonder what kind of person he 'll be . . . I just got snuggled into bed . Then I realized I was still in my clothes . I 'm sort of a blue jeans and t - shirt sort of gal . Since I 've been sticking around home more than usual and the weather has been colder I 've been in more comfortable clothes lately . Lots of sweatpants and sweatshirts . I 'm just wondering if I might be getting too comfortable if I can 't tell the difference between my clothes and my pajamas . I have never been good at picking out features on babies that look like their parents . I sort of roll my eyes when a baby no better than 12 hours old has been picked apart , attributing their eyes to mom , ear lobes to dad , left pinkie to great grandma so - and - so , etc . I admit as kids grow they often begin to resemble their parents but from day one ? I 'm not sold yet . 2 . I used to think the circles under my eyes were from lack of sleep . My dad has them too . Neither of us ever went to bed early and both of us get up too early . Once I noticed my Maddie had them and just a few months old , I finally gave up . While the circles may get darker when I sleep less , they will most certainly NEVER go away . Bummer . Sorry Miss Maddie . When you 're old enough to care , you 'll hate them too . Ben and Jacob have the circles too , just not quite as deep . 3 . My kids have my finger nails and toe nails . I didn 't realize that there was so much variation , but there is , and they 're all mine . Since it took me almost five years to believe that much , I 'm sure there is more I just haven 't noticed yet . I never claimed to be very observant . I guess there must be something to this DNA thing after all . We can 't believe how big Jacob is . Ben was so small and grew so slowly that he was drowned in his clothes for what seemed like forever . When Maddie came I figured I should have an outfit or two that was tiny to fit her , so we picked up three or four preemie outfits . I remember one lady in the store seeing me pregnant and looking at preemie clothes telling me to skip them , they grow too fast to bother with preemie clothes . Maddie wore them for a long time . Anticipating Jacob I hunted down a few warm preemie outfits so we would have something for him to wear and bought two jumbo boxes of newborn diapers ( Maddie had gone through three ) . Go figure . He was born almost two pounds bigger than Maddie . When I came home from the hospital it was immediately apparent that he didn 't fit the preemie clothes , so my mom sorted through all the clothes and we bagged them up right away . Now at about five weeks he 's outgrown his newborn diapers . At least he leaks between almost every diaper change . We 're just about that dumb to wait until that happens for a few days before we clue in that we might need to change something . He just seems so big to me compared to our first two . He even has a little baby fat on his cute little body . His cute chubby cheeks make me smile . On our flight home from the funeral we had a connection in Chicago . It was snowy and cold there so they had to deice the plane . We watched a bit from the windows of the airport and Ben thought it was really neat . Then our plane got hosed down and he could hear it and had lots of " how " and " why " questions . My friends came over to visit teach me this morning . We had a pleasant chat about all sorts of things and solved some of the major world problems I 'm sure . Maddie Mae was playing in the living room with us for a long time before she ventured upstairs . Usually when she quietly heads up the stairs alone she is tired and puts herself down for a nap as long as there are two or more binkies waiting in her bed . I naturally assumed that is what she had done since she had been snuggling me just before . When my friends left , I tip toed upstairs to check on her and tuck her in . She wasn 't in her bed . She wasn 't in Ben 's bed or in the cave . I know . . . she 's fallen asleep under her bed again while she was playing . . . nope . I checked the nursery , no . Only my room left . She must be nestled on my bed , sleeping like an angel in mommy 's bed . No again . I immediately saw my nightstand drawer was open and a little head was resting on the top . How cute , she 's more or less fallen asleep standing up . No . She just knew she was in trouble . She had my five highlighters out of the drawer . She had taken a paper with random notes , put it on the bed and was coloring all over it . I 'm counting my blessings . The paper she chose was right next to my social security card , passport and birth certificate . She hadn 't colored on any of them . Time to put them away I guess . The sheets were a deep , dark red so the highlighter hadn 't ruined my sheets . I 'm not sure how the white mattress pad beneath fared , but oh well . Grateful for what I got away with today . Of course , we then gently reviewed that we can only color downstairs on the table . Her face and hands were pretty and bright fluorescent pink most the day today . By the way , when did her eyes change to greenish ? We 're not sure where those eyes came from . I though our whole family was brown and blue .

Maddie has become very touchy lately . She has to have her arm around you or your arm around her shoulders when we read books together every time . Today she and Ben we watching Tom and Jerry cartoons again when I noticed she had put her arm around Ben . It was so cute . I went to get the camera and when I returned , he had put his arm around her . They sat like that for a while , enjoying their show . I 'm glad they are such good friends . I hope it stays that way forever . Maddie has been hard to put down for naps and for bedtime for weeks . She screams and cries and fights . It 's exhausting . I 've been wondering if it is a test of wills or if it is time for her to give up her nap . Today she was acting totally fine , happier than usual so I decided to skip naps and see how it went . She ought to be really tired and go to be really easily . This is what Brian found in our room when he came home from work around 4 pm . Later when I went to wake her up , it looked like she had tried to get up , but just couldn 't quite make it . I guess we 're not quite ready to skip naps . Hallelujah ! ! Posted by Jacob was whiny last night and upset and squirmy for a few hours . Finally I fed him and put him happily in his bed at about 1 : 00 am . I woke up at 6 : 17 am and wondered where Jacob was . I hadn 't heard him at all through the night , but sometimes that happens . Brian never sleeps well so if he 's already up , he 'll grab Jacob and give him a bottle so I can sleep . I know , he 's a keeper . But , he didn 't do the bottle thing last night . Jacob actually slept over 5 hours ! What a good night ! Another Brian present . He installed a motion sensor in our main floor bathroom . It 's fantastic . Maddie is now willing to wash her hands alone because the light goes on automatically for her . Between the automatic light and the new sink faucet life is good for my little girl . Knowing that I requested a motion sensor - remote control type of gadget be installed in my house makes me laugh today . Remote control stuff has a history in our house . When we were first married , we did the whole wedding and honeymoon thing like everyone else . We returned home and I moved into the apartment we had rented together . The first morning I spent there came with some surprises . I was jolted from a peaceful sleep by a floodlight switching on directly in my face . Okay , it was just the bedroom light , but it had been dark and now it was bright as noonday . " What the heck ? " I wondered . I laid there for a bit , waiting for Brian to wake up . He did not . I waited and waited . It was WAY earlier than I needed to get up . I laid there , trying to sleep for about an hour . Then his alarm started going off . He got up . Finally ! He was getting up . Nope . He pushed snooze ( like the rest of us ) for another thirty minutes . After laying in bed for an hour we finally got up , got ready for work and headed out the door . Being a love sick newlywed , I didn 't mention the terrible morning events . Unfortunately for me , it happened again the next day . And the next and the next . I don 't know how many days until I had to say something . I was loosing a solid hour and a half of quality sleep time every single day . I know I didn 't make it a week though before I broke . The newlywed bliss was ended . We had to talk . In his defense , he had a logical argument for the insanity . It is easier to adjust and wake up to a lighted room . It is more natural for your body . True . And if I wasn 't jolted from a sound sleep each morning only to lay in bed for an hour each morning trying to sleep with a pillow over my head , it would have been fine . Turns out that in high school Brian had worked at RadioShack . While he was gainfully employed there , he had purchased a snazy alarm clock that works with your wall outlets and light switches . You replace the standard outlet or wall switch with the RadioShack remote one and then your remote can be set to turn on or off any light or gadget . He had installed the remote light switch in our bedroom and a wall outlet to control the air conditioner . Once when Kristie came over she was confused by all the remotes and still to this day asks Brian when he 's going to put the toilet on remote too . Through the years we have had tons of things on remote . . . the porch light , christmas tree lights and lights in the yard , air conditioner , fans , ceiling lights , etc . My favorite has been the Christmas lights on our tree . He has every kid we 've ever known convinced that if they blow on the tree it turns on and if you clap your hands it turns off or vice versa . In Houston , the Boseman 's daughter Rhiannon went home and told her mom that Brian was cooler than her daddy because he had a magic tree and she didn 't like their tree anymore . Some of you may remember reading about " Scream - fest 2008 " in July of last year . Both kids screamed at the top of their lungs through the entire dentist visit . Their next 6 month cleaning was this morning and I guess you could say we did 50 % better than last time . Only Maddie screamed the whole time . This time I resorted to a straight up bribe with a high value prize for Ben . I didn 't even bother with Maddie because I couldn 't afford the risk of her failing . Then I wouldn 't be able to take Ben for his reward if he was tough enough to earn it . As a point of reference , no fast food joint in Northern Virginia seems to have a playland . Isn 't that almost morally wrong ? All McDonald 's and Burger Kings should be obligated to have one . Anyway , there is one in the area and I totally used it in my favor today . It 's about a 20 minute drive from the house , but . . . it 's across the street from the pediatric dentist office . I promised Ben if he would not scream and would open his mouth when they asked him too , we would go straight to the playland and get breakfast at McDonald 's and he could play for a long time . Ben did NOT enjoy the dentist today , but he followed all my bribe instructions and earned the playland . He did awesome ! They even asked him to do x - rays , which were COMPLETELY out of the question last time . Brian and I looked at each other and I felt my stomach drop to the floor . He had done so well , this could put him over the edge and he would loose the playland reward ! Before I could protest for him , Ben jumped off the chair and followed the lady down the hall . All right ! ! Once he couldn 't see me anymore , I followed and stood outside the door in case he freaked out when they put the things in his mouth . He gagged a bit , but doesn 't everybody ? He never cried and when he was done , I snuck back to the room and he came running down the hall to us with a super huge smile . It made me proud that he had done a hard thing alone . After we checked out of the office , Brian helped us load into the car . He headed to work and I took the three kids to McDonalds for breakfast . We dined on pancakes , sausage , biscut , scrambled egg and super big french fires ( hash browns ) . I let them play for an hour and a half . I was bored out of my mind , but hey , it 's not all about me and Ben earned it . Now the bad news . Since they had x - rays , they found four cavities between his molars . We better start flossing . In any case , we can either sedate him to fix them or have him strapped in a straight jacket with laughing gas . Both are extremely expensive and it seems like a waste since the teeth will fall out in a few years anyway . I 've recently had two friends go through the same thing . I 'll have to find out what they recommend , but if anyone else has advise I 'm all ears . Brian took the kids sledding in the snow Tuesday . Tuesday night we got sleet and freezing rain . Wednesday everything was covered in ice . Brian worked from home again and I took Ben and Maddie out to sled again . It was less than successful . They could barely walk . Maddie kept falling and crying . Ben did okay and was excited . We climbed the hill together a few times and sledded down . Maddie got mad if Ben went without her . Then she would sit on the sled and not let us go down . She just wanted to sit and be pulled around . Finally she said she wanted to go inside with her Daddy . I pushed her down the hill on the sled while she screamed she didn 't want to go down the hill . Then I walked her to the house . Ben was excited to be outside and sled alone with me until we got to the house . As soon as he saw her go in , he decided he was done . End of the day . So we didn 't have much fun today . Next time I 'll take the snow day . Brian got up to shower and get ready for work this morning . I went down to the kitchen to get breakfast for Maddie . When Brian came downstairs I was surprised to see he was not in his regular work attire of a collared shirt and tie . He was sporting a classy neon orange t - shirt and blue jeans . I questioned , " So I see you 're not planning to go to work today . May I ask why ? " His reply , " It 's a snow day of course . " I looked out the window and laughed . " What ? Are you from Florida ? That 's nothing . I thought you were from Utah . " He assured me that he was from Utah but most people that live here aren 't . There was a liberal leave policy in place for the day because of the snow and he was choosing to take it . The day turned out to produce 2 " of snow by dinner time . The kids did better today than ever before at letting Dad work except for one time in the morning . I got them all dressed in their snow gear to go in the backyard to play in the snow . I told them quite specifically that Daddy had to work right now and that he could maybe take some playtime at lunch . They were both finally all bundled up and the headed down the stairs . . . straight to Brian and asked , " Ready to go play outside Dad ? " He was more than happy to oblige . He took them sledding in front of the house . Then Ben helped shovel the walks . They both had lots of fun and came back inside happy and hungry . Then it was back to work and I made lunch and tried to entertain the rest of the day inside . Ben did some puzzles with me and Maddie found the dress up box and enjoyed some time playing doctor . I think we need Aunt Kristie to teach her how to use the stethoscope properly . Then she found the pool toys and just had to wear the swim gear for a while . The results are in . I think Brian 's comment at dinner last night is the best indicator of how my second attempt at homemade bread went . He said , " Have you called Megan to see how to make it yet ? " You could rightfully say it wasn 't a complete success . Just because I wasn 't totally confident about the results , I took the first loaf out of the oven after 30 minutes when the recipe said and left the other in three more minutes . Just looking at the bottom of the two loaves it was obvious the 30 minute loaf was undercooked and the 33 minute loaf looked much better . Now that we have tasted the second loaf , it was yummy . It could likely use another minute or two of cooking , but it was a reasonable success . I 'll keep trying buy attempt # 2 , loaf # 2 gives me hope ! How is your bruxism ? I saw a report on the news today about teeth grinding . Apparently it 's called bruxism . A year ago last fall I felt a chunk of something break off my tooth . I thought , dang , a filling or something fell out . I had an appointment with the dentist two weeks already scheduled , so when I went in I mentioned it . They couldn 't find anything missing , but I did have three edges chipped off three different teeth . The dentist asked if I grind my teeth . If I did , it would easily explain what was going on . I didn 't think I did . That night and for the next three days , I realized that I grind my teeth all day and all night . Ugh . So I got the darn night guard and in a week had weared it down severely . I guess I do grind my teeth ! Who knew . Brian and I discussed last night Ben 's addiction to watching Tom and Jerry cartoons on the internet last night . It seemed a shame to make him stop at first , he was just so happy . We finally decided that the newness wasn 't wearing off and he had watched for three or four hours each day for four days in a row . He was addicted . We needed to set some limits since he didn 't seem to be loosing interest like kids usually do in new toys . Ben watched for over an hour this morning then I called him to lunch . I explained that after lunch we would turn off the computer and play with our toys and use our imaginations . He almost went into instant meltdown . " But I just paused the show to eat my lunch . What if I can 't find it again tomorrow ? ! ? ! " I agreed that he could finish his episode before he turned it off . He was pretty obedient and I believe he turned it off when he should without sneaking another one , though he did sort of jump and look guilty when I walked into the room . We did fine for an hour or so , then the whining started . He wanted to watch more Tom and Jerry and nothing else was fun enough . Eventually he got to watch a DVD because Maddie screamed for over an hour and I needed him occupied while I dealt with her . When Maddie finally settled down after an hour and a half I took Ben down to play some card games . Then we worked on memorizing " sight words " to help him with his reading . He earned chocolate chips by doing flash cards . When he got bored with all that , he begged to use the computer again . I agreed on the condition that he play an educational game . Of course I didn 't say " educational " to him , he doesn 't know they are teaching him something . He just thinks they are fun . He wasn 't in the mood for any of our games , so he started tantruming and stamping his feet about not being able to do what he wanted . I told him he could yell and be mean , but I 'd send him to his room . It took him almost thirty minutes to pick a game to play . In the mean time , I took the chance to try to teach Maddie how to use the mouse on the computer . It cracked me up to see her try . Everytime I would tell her to move the mouse up to get the arrow to go up on the monitor , she would lift the mouse up in the air . I felt dumb . Of course that makes sense to her . Since when does " up " mean move your mouse across the table away from you ? How do you explain this ? I guess we 'll just keep practicing . She got a lot better just in our 30 minute lesson today . Eventually Ben settled into a math game and practiced his addition with me and Brian when he came home . He 's doing well for a four year old . Hope he can deal with the Tom and Jerry limits tomorrow . Little snow flurries are gently floating down outside my window right now . I don 't think we 'll get enough to cover the ground or make a snowball , but I 'm dreaming of it anyway . Ben is almost desperate for snow . Keep your fingers crossed . . . Ben has filled our home with pure and innocent laughter the last four or five days . I showed him Tom and Jerry on YouTube and he is totally addicted . He wants to watch hour after hour after hour of the episodes . He laughs endlessly and loudly . I can 't help but smile as I listen to him and as the corners my mouth turn upward I think how wonderful it is that he can enjoy the same fun cartoons Brian and I watched as children . Jacob has officially outgrown his first outfit . I put it away today and it made me sad to realize he is getting bigger . Just from looking at him there is no denying it though . He is our first baby that has any degree of " chub " to him . We 're totally enjoying it too . I finally , after two months , broke out the Bosch and used it the first time since it arrived . I 've just been to tired since it came to do any baking at all . So , I made bread . I tried my friend Megan Fife 's bread recipe . It was simply delicious when Megan made it . Not quite as great when I tried . In my defense , I started making it , got the hot water to activate the yeast when Jacob had to nurse and Maddie had to use the potty . So it wasn 't exactly in prime " warm " condition when I returned to finish the job . Oh well . I can always try again if we can finish eating the two dense loaves on the counter . Here 's to next time , eh ? We had an absolutely delicious dinner tonight . Thanks for cooking and freezing some meals when you were here for Jacob 's birth . Tonight we dined on manicotti , YUMMY ! It was a real blessing to not have to organize a meal tonight . You 're service is still blessing our lives a month and a half later . Thank you . Thank you . Thank you . I love you . I have wanted to make homemade french fries for years , but didn 't have a deep fryer or a fry slicer . My Bosch mixer was on a special sale when I bought it so we got a blender and food shredder with french fry cutting blade . Now I just needed the deep fryer and I finally borrowed one from Mali last week . Of course , then I kept running out of time every night to make them . One night Brian offered to do it for me while I made grilled ham sandwiches . Ben was really excited and got totally involved in helping . As usual , Maddie was near by and in the way , trying to touch everything - including the 375 degree oil . Heating the oil was pretty boring , but they wouldn 't leave their chairs for fear of missing something . Now we 've made fries three times and they are absolutely delicious . True to form , Brian always does things just a little bit better than your average Joe . He made spicy fries . Here is the recipe : Slice potatoes into French fries , and place into cold water so they won 't turn brown while you prepare the oil . Heat oil in a large skillet over medium - high heat . While the oil is heating , sift the flour , garlic salt , onion salt , ( regular ) salt , and paprika into a large bowl . Gradually stir in enough water so that the mixture can be drizzled from a spoon . Dip potato slices into the batter one at a time , and place in the hot oil so they are not touching at first . The fries must be placed into the skillet one at a time , or they will clump together . Fry until golden brown and crispy . Remove and drain on paper towels . After my sweet , sweet middle of the night with Jacob wishing he could stay in that moment forever , he woke again at 6 am , just an hour after I laid him in his bed . He cried for almost an hour and couldn 't be settled . I kept thinking to myself , remember the sweetness , remember the sweetness , remember the sweetness . I guess we have those special moments to pull us through the hard ones . 4 am Jacob wakes . I drag myself out of bed to nurse him . We get situated in the rocking chair . I grab a blanket to keep warm in the chill of the night . He eats for a bit then starts to doze off . Time to burp him , so we adjust positions . I put his tiny little body up on my chest and rest his head on my shoulder and begin to mechanically pat his back . It 's different tonight . I notice his sweet baby scent . His body is warm against mine , his cheek pressed against my cheek . In that moment my heart melts . I can hear his tiny breath going in and out as my hand feels his chest rise and fall . He is comfortable and happy in his safe place . No one to interrupt my happiness . No one asking for my attention or pulling me in other directions . They are all resting safe and peaceful , leaving me to enjoy my quiet , precious baby . In this moment we are frozen in time together . It 's the middle of the night and I 'm as wide awake as I could ever be , connecting with my perfect baby boy . I wish I could capture this moment and hold it forever in my mind and heart . Lauren was over today and commented how Jacob looks EXACTLY like Maddie did when she was born . I had the laptop within reach , so we pulled up some pictures of all three kids between 6 and 8 weeks . What do you think ? In person I think Maddie and Jacob are the same , in the pictures , the resemblance between Jacob and Ben seems pretty strong . January shouldn 't be this warm , but I 'm not going to complain that it was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day today ! The high was near 50 degrees . We watched some neighbor kids in the morning for two different families , then when they left , I took the kids outside for a while . Ben made me take pictures of him jumping and he practiced his photography skills by taking some pictures of me . Jacob quickly fell asleep in the baby carrier I was wearing so I soon took it off and grabbed a little chair for him . He slept outside in his chair all bundled up to stay warm . Once I was baby - free , it wasn 't long before I was chasing the kids around , up and down the field and around the sink hole . Ben and I were chased each other all over until we were both panting and tired as we kicked a few balls around and played steal the ball . Maddie chased us until she was to frustrated by never being able to catch us . I was laughing so hard with Ben and loving the moment completely when I realized , I ' M RUNNING ! ! It has been so long since I actually ran . Pregnancy slows me down so much , I hate it . Running again ! It felt good , even exhilarating . I hope I can keep it up . My sister - in - law Juli has almost inspired me to take up running . It would be so good for me , even if it isn 't miles and miles of running , just running with the kids is good for my soul if nothing else . I love spending time with them and hearing them laugh happily because they are having fun with me . Posted by On Saturday night I was chaperoning a youth dance at the church . Brian decided to try putting Maddie down to bed without her binkie . He said it was totally fine . She didn 't whine or ask for it . After a while though , she started crying and hollering from her room . Eventually he gave in and gave her the binkie . Only after he offered the binkie did her learn that she had simply wanted a drink of water . Oops . Sunday morning , not knowing anything of the night before , I decided she didn 't need to take the binkie to church anymore . She only gets it to sleep and with the switch to the morning services , she wasn 't going to sleep and no longer needed it at church . She ended up throwing a huge tantrum and Brian left soon after the service started , not to return until the last five minutes . They had a knock down - drag out fight in one of the empty classrooms and even spent fifteen minutes sitting in the front seat of the truck with Maddie on his lap to get her under control . The binkie would have ended the whole show if we had just it . Oh well . We have to ditch it sometime . After we were all in bed on Sunday night , Brian told me how close to getting rid of the binkie he had been on Saturday night until his little mistake . He planned to do it again on Monday night . Monday came and we went to a " dessert party " at a friends house . Upon our arrival home , both kids were in a disasterous state . Ben was hitting and kicking and spitting on both of us because he was overtired . Maddie wasn 't much better . Not the night to start the no - binkie routine we decided . Last night I was away for an hour again , just about bedtime . Upon my return , Maddie ran downstairs to greet me when she heard me come in the door . I took her back up to her bed and noticed Ben crying . I snuggled him and reassured him he didn 't have to be scared of bad dreams and we said a special prayer that God would protect him in his sleep to be safe from bad guys and to have good dreams . After watching me spend so much time with Ben , Maddie got bored and came over to me and started weeping and asking for her binkie . I asked Maddie where the binkie was , to which she told me , " Daddy said it got lost , but I weally need it to go in my mouth wight here ( pointing to mouth ) so I could sleep wight now . " I validated her concern and asked another totally random question . She perked right up and chatted with me about the other topic for several minutes until all thoughts of binkies were long gone from her little head . Then I gave her a huge hug , laid her down in her bed and didn 't hear another word from her the rest of the night . She did wake once in the middle of the night . Brian went to help her . She wanted nothing to do with him and never asked for the binkie . After a few minutes she settled herself and went back to sleep . Today she kept insisting that I had her binkies in my pocket . I turned them inside out to prove there wasn 't anything in there . She seemed satisfied and hasn 't asked for them since , even at naptime . If it was going to be this easy , we should have gotten rid of the binkie months ago . I 'm not sure it would have been easy earlier , but you never know . Now we just hope the finger sucking doesn 't become an issue , because that is totally disgusting to have slimy , slobbery fingers all over your house . Brian and I aren 't really as tough as I make it sound though . If we were truely strong parents , we would have thrown the binkies away . We still have all five of them tucked in Brian 's sock drawer . . . just in case . I was excited about the inauguration today . It is a moment in history to be sure . We have elected a black man to the highest office in the country . No one would have believed it possible 50 years ago . With such a historic moment , why then , did Obama choose to make inauguration speech more of a campaign speech ? He seemed to take unnecessary swipes at the Bush administration . Things like we will no longer use tactics of fear in the world and we will keep the broken promises to New Orleans . That was totally offensive to me . We weren 't in a campaign anymore . It was not an appropriate place to attack Bush . The worst thing though , was that closing prayer . HELLO ! ! ! That was undeniably bad by almost anyone 's account . Some sorry old man ranting on about racism . . . in a prayer no less . What was he thinking ? Saying brown doesn 't have to give back anymore - so they can be lazy ? Let yellow be mellow ? Huh ? Red get ahead ? Can they not now ? Lastly , and worst by far , let white do what is right . Idiot . How come everyone blames everything on the white man . Is there no personal accountability anymore ? Idiots . All of them . Idiots . This one goes out to all my friends who actually were lucky enough to get tickets the the inauguration today . That is amazing and cool that you get to witness history just a few miles from our houses this morning . Since I have little people who would not fully appreciate the significance of the event ( and would wine and cry all day so as to make it a miserable experience ) we didn 't even attempt to get tickets . In order to make myself feel better right now , I just wanted to say that it is windy and 19 degrees F . After wind chill is factored in it feels like 10 degrees F . I am sitting inside watching the news coverage and the newscasters worshiping Obama . I have a t - shirt and jeans with no socks . I 'm toasty warm . How about you guys ? * * Side note * * I just went to Microsoft 's website to search for a clipart for this post . I put in " united states " and the first TWO clipart pictures that came up were pictures of Obama 's face . Hello . He doesn 't define the country . Ugh . The country is so enamored with him . We 're starting to get frequent smiles from Jacob . It is fun to see him respond to me . I can 't seem to get a picture though . If the camera is in his face , he is too distracted by it to focus on my face and smile . I suppose there will be many happy smiles to come in the years ahead . I hope you know how amazing you are . Remember how " We are ' posed to be together . " ? There is no one else that could be my perfect compliment . Here is a mix of my favorite Brian memories , things you do that I appreciate and my favorite things about you . . . You are my glow boy and have been since Day # 1 . That 's what I remember about you from the very first moment I saw you . You were opening the door on your parent 's Bronco for your girlfriend at their house and I noticed right off your huge smile and your countenance literally glowed from the inside out . They say you should find a guy that treats you like a queen . I had been out with lots of nice guys and thought I knew what that meant . Turns out I had no idea what it meant until I started dating you . No one was so sweet or kind as you are . You have strong hands and are always willing to help massage my neck to get rid of my headaches and tight muscles . No matter how many times they do it , you are always willing to happily pretend you can 't find the kids after they run to hide as you open the front door after work . When you find them , you always act scared when they say " Boo ! " or roar like a lion . . . day after day after day after day . You are a finisher . When I loose interest in a project and let other things distract me so I can 't return to something , you quietly finish up the detail work like paining the baseboards or changing out the light switch covers or other little things . I randomly find broken things around the house fixed . Toys , stairs , lights , switches , faucets , towel racks , door latches , CD player in the truck ( over and over and over ) the list goes on and on and on . You tease me in a sweet way . I just wish I could remember if I made the bed or if you did it this morning so you couldn 't give me such a hard time . Just in case it was you today , thanks . Computers are your thing and you love to help others out . The pile of CPUs and monitors in the basement may make me nuts sometimes , but it 's nothing compared to the junk I hoard . Plus , you 're keeping them to fix up and give away to other people . Not so with my piles of junk . Your heart is so selfless . Organization is your middle name . If I didn 't live here , our house would be the most organized place in the country . You always have a place for everything and always manPosted by I 'm sad . There is nothing left to countdown . Eleven more months of regular life before we gear up for Christmas again . I felt like I missed Christmas this year . Christmas is more than a day , it 's a season . I didn 't realize what that really meant . I figured if I had a baby really close to Christmas I wouldn 't like it much . Who wants to be recovering from surgery on Christmas Day ? I wanted to be up and around for the big day . Maybe I miscalculated . By having the baby early on the 5th , I missed every single holiday party . I felt like I missed the season completely while my family went out to event after event . Maddie would squeek loudly with every breath she took when she nursed . There was no incognito nursing with her , we always attracted attention . That earned her the name of Squeeky . This little poem hangs in the nursery in our home and expresses my sentiments perfectly as we have welcomed all three children into our home . Today little Jacob is on my mind . What an awesome responsibility to teach them of God and His love . Ben and Maddie had a babysitter last night while Brian and I went out for his birthday dinner . They LOVE our neighbor Katie so we asked her to come over . Before I left I gave her a new diaper for Maddie and pajamas . When we got home they were both all ready for bed and reading stories . She is the best . This morning we were getting breakfast when Maddie screams out , " OH NO ! My diaper is falling off . " I unzipped her pajamas and saw she was wearing a Jacob sized diaper . It was snug to say the least . I laughed and asked if Katie had to change a stinky diaper last night . She confirmed . Poor Katie probably couldn 't find the right size and did the best she could . It was cute . I 'll have Katie back anyday ! The kids just love her . Here is a song telling about my life with Brian . He is amazing and has helped me fulfill all the dreams I 've ever had . I love being with him anywhere , anytime . I tell him regularly that I can 't live without him , so when it comes time , I get to pass away first . I cannot imagine my life without him . Ben spent some of his Christmas money on a model kit and today wanted to build and paint it so he could play with it . I had some Christmas decorations I bought last year that I never got painted and put up for this Christmas season , so I got us all set up and ready to go . The table was covered in plastic , everyone had a painting smock on . Maddie was anxious to get going and I grabbed an old wooden Santa I didn 't want anymore for her to paint . I gave her the Santa and a paint brush while I grabbed a paper plate and the paint . When I returned she informed me that she was doing just fine and didn 't want any paint . She proceeded to brush the Santa without paint for about five minutes then she told me it was finished and went to play . I wish every painting project could always be that clean . Why can I not get into any Batman movie ? I 've watched them all and haven 't enjoyed a single one . We just finished The Dark Night . Same . Couldn 't care less about the plot . Didn 't enjoy the movie . Ended up checking email for the entire two hours while I sort of watched with very little attention . I guess it just isn 't my style . But I 'll keep " watching " with Brian . I do enjoy the time together . When we board an airplane , Ben sits in his seat and immediately pulls out the safety card . He reviews all the instructions and pictures . Then he reviews all the points with us so that we are aware of how to exit the plane in case of a water landing . He asks where is lifejacket is in that particular plane and about where the exits are . Safety first has always been our motto at our house . Brian rarely does any repair work at the house without safety glasses . It is so cute to see Ben internalizing it . We announced to the kids today that we were going to Disneyland in May when Tio Jota gets married . Ben is really excited to see Mickey Mouse . Brian decided that we should have a backwards night . We got the kids in pajamas and had breakfast for dinner . Ben was totally on board for the fun night and in keeping with our celebrations , I made Mickey Mouse pancakes . Posted by What do you do when your two year old sees a dress that she hasn 't worn in a while and demands " The pink dress , mommy ! " You let her wear it , of course . What do you do when after you put it on , you realize it is so short it doesn 't even cover her diaper anymore ? I would NEVER have let her out of the house if she was 12 years old , but at 2 I guess I just wasn 't going to fight her over the PINK dress . She was dead set on it . It will not make it back into the closet again . You know when something is happening in your area that totally consumes the news coverage ? Well , we live in metro Washington DC and Obama is about to take office . You wouldn 't believe the saturation of media coverage on the news about Obama and everything that he does . The inauguration is totally consuming the news every single evening . On Saturday night we were watching the news . We got bored with a very lengthy report on Obama 's arrival in DC . They were giving ridiculous amounts of detail on what Obama had for lunch and where he ate . We switched channels . Same report on the next station and the next and the next . Not kidding all four networks were giving extensive detail and lengthy reports on his lunch schedule for the day . I 'm really tired of the inauguration and can 't wait for it to be over . One more week to go and I 'm on countdown . We 've lived in our house for almost three years now . We have a few lights with multiple switches that you can turn on or off from different locations . Whoever installed them put some sets so to have the light off , one switch is up and one switch is down . It has always bothered me but I don 't touch wires or electricity . It scares me . Thus I have never attempted to change them . At the end of the day Friday Brian asked something about if I noticed the light switches . The entire day I had been switching one light switch at a time , trying to get them all " properly aligned " in my own particular way as I walked up and down the stairs . I couldn 't seem to get everything in place , but figured the kids were moving them around between my trips up and down the stairs . It was really starting to bother me that I couldn 't get them all right . Turns out the night before Brian had changed them all so down means " off " on every floor of the house . It could have made me loose my mind if it had gone on long enough , but now that I know , I LOVE it . I think I sleep better at night now . We are at just about five weeks now and little Jacob seems to have just woken up . It is so nice to see his eyes once in a while . I 'm enjoying just that simple little change . It was like he woke up overnight and it is a delightful surprise for a mother 's heart . Now it doesn 't seem so silly to talk to him and I 'm sure his personality will begin to emerge in the next few weeks . I wonder what kind of person he 'll be . . . I just got snuggled into bed . Then I realized I was still in my clothes . I 'm sort of a blue jeans and t - shirt sort of gal . Since I 've been sticking around home more than usual and the weather has been colder I 've been in more comfortable clothes lately . Lots of sweatpants and sweatshirts . I 'm just wondering if I might be getting too comfortable if I can 't tell the difference between my clothes and my pajamas . I have never been good at picking out features on babies that look like their parents . I sort of roll my eyes when a baby no better than 12 hours old has been picked apart , attributing their eyes to mom , ear lobes to dad , left pinkie to great grandma so - and - so , etc . I admit as kids grow they often begin to resemble their parents but from day one ? I 'm not sold yet . 2 . I used to think the circles under my eyes were from lack of sleep . My dad has them too . Neither of us ever went to bed early and both of us get up too early . Once I noticed my Maddie had them and just a few months old , I finally gave up . While the circles may get darker when I sleep less , they will most certainly NEVER go away . Bummer . Sorry Miss Maddie . When you 're old enough to care , you 'll hate them too . Ben and Jacob have the circles too , just not quite as deep . 3 . My kids have my finger nails and toe nails . I didn 't realize that there was so much variation , but there is , and they 're all mine . Since it took me almost five years to believe that much , I 'm sure there is more I just haven 't noticed yet . I never claimed to be very observant . I guess there must be something to this DNA thing after all . We can 't believe how big Jacob is . Ben was so small and grew so slowly that he was drowned in his clothes for what seemed like forever . When Maddie came I figured I should have an outfit or two that was tiny to fit her , so we picked up three or four preemie outfits . I remember one lady in the store seeing me pregnant and looking at preemie clothes telling me to skip them , they grow too fast to bother with preemie clothes . Maddie wore them for a long time . Anticipating Jacob I hunted down a few warm preemie outfits so we would have something for him to wear and bought two jumbo boxes of newborn diapers ( Maddie had gone through three ) . Go figure . He was born almost two pounds bigger than Maddie . When I came home from the hospital it was immediately apparent that he didn 't fit the preemie clothes , so my mom sorted through all the clothes and we bagged them up right away . Now at about five weeks he 's outgrown his newborn diapers . At least he leaks between almost every diaper change . We 're just about that dumb to wait until that happens for a few days before we clue in that we might need to change something . He just seems so big to me compared to our first two . He even has a little baby fat on his cute little body . His cute chubby cheeks make me smile . On our flight home from the funeral we had a connection in Chicago . It was snowy and cold there so they had to deice the plane . We watched a bit from the windows of the airport and Ben thought it was really neat . Then our plane got hosed down and he could hear it and had lots of " how " and " why " questions . My friends came over to visit teach me this morning . We had a pleasant chat about all sorts of things and solved some of the major world problems I 'm sure . Maddie Mae was playing in the living room with us for a long time before she ventured upstairs . Usually when she quietly heads up the stairs alone she is tired and puts herself down for a nap as long as there are two or more binkies waiting in her bed . I naturally assumed that is what she had done since she had been snuggling me just before . When my friends left , I tip toed upstairs to check on her and tuck her in . She wasn 't in her bed . She wasn 't in Ben 's bed or in the cave . I know . . . she 's fallen asleep under her bed again while she was playing . . . nope . I checked the nursery , no . Only my room left . She must be nestled on my bed , sleeping like an angel in mommy 's bed . No again . I immediately saw my nightstand drawer was open and a little head was resting on the top . How cute , she 's more or less fallen asleep standing up . No . She just knew she was in trouble . She had my five highlighters out of the drawer . She had taken a paper with random notes , put it on the bed and was coloring all over it . I 'm counting my blessings . The paper she chose was right next to my social security card , passport and birth certificate . She hadn 't colored on any of them . Time to put them away I guess . The sheets were a deep , dark red so the highlighter hadn 't ruined my sheets . I 'm not sure how the white mattress pad beneath fared , but oh well . Grateful for what I got away with today . Of course , we then gently reviewed that we can only color downstairs on the table . Her face and hands were pretty and bright fluorescent pink most the day today . By the way , when did her eyes change to greenish ? We 're not sure where those eyes came from . I though our whole family was brown and blue .

While I sat at work , I was still infuriated with my fiancé and his inability to let go of the other woman . The fact that he had to meet me at lunch time to tell her to stop contacting him when he had already promised me it was over , frustrated me and I was sent into an emotional tailspin . I could feel the anxiety building up again . I wanted out of the relationship badly by this point but yet something still held me there . My fiancé and I continued with our therapy sessions . Some sessions were good , some were bad but my anger toward him wasn 't fleeting . I looked at him differently now . He was a stranger and I no longer viewed him as the man who would never hurt me . I lost all respect for him . In therapy one of the promises I had made was that I would not go through his cell phone . I tried hard not to look but it was very difficult not to . Rebuilding trust had to start somewhere , so I put forth the effort into repairing our relationship by giving him the benefit of the doubt . The days went on and the emotional rollercoaster was unstoppable . On certain days I would be so in love with him and other days I despised him . One particular night when my love for him was wavering , I went against my better judgment and as he slept I grabbed his cell phone to begin searching . I had no idea what I was looking for , since he changed his number , however I wanted to make sure he wasn 't contacting her . My heart raced and was pounding out of my chest . " Oh please God " I prayed , I didn 't want to find anything . I looked through contacts … nothing there , searched through outgoing and incoming calls … nothing there , onto the text messages … nothing there . I felt relieved . As I was about to give up on my search , my finger slipped and I wound up hitting a button that led me to the last numbers text messaged . I had no idea how I even found it but there it was , in plain view , her cell number . My blood boiled and I ran into our bedroom . I flashed the bright light of the cell phone into his eyes . He woke up confused and I showed him what I had found . The anger was so intense I started to hit him with the phone . He wrestled me to the bed and grabbed the phone from my hand . I have never felt so out of control in my entire life . I was crying and shaking . How could he contact her again ? Now she had his new number and all it proved to me was he didn 't really want to let her go . We didn 't speak that night . In the morning , before I left for work I asked him why he contacted her again . He said he wanted to make sure she was ok . The fury intensified and I told him I was ready for our relationship to be over . He needed to leave . I spent the entire day at work dealing with his text messaging and his phone calls . He had called our therapist on his own and told her he wanted to make things right . He told our therapist that he had no intentions of contacting her anymore , he felt badly for how he treated her but he didn 't want to lose me . Our therapist wanted us to come in immediately for an emergency therapy session . For whatever strange reason , I agreed . I left work early and met him at our therapist 's office . I could not look him in his eyes . I was so afraid if I did , I would feel sad and I didn 't want to be pacified . To me , anger was a much easier emotion to deal with . It kept me strong . As we sat in the office , he started to explain to me why he texted her . I could hear the desperation in his voice increase as he spoke . He said he had no plans to continue the affair , he felt bad for leading the other woman on and did not want to hurt anyone . The entire therapy session I rolled my eyes . I felt like his excuses were a lame attempt to justify his inability to end contact with her because in my mind he had feelings for her . The therapist asked me to give him another chance . She said she felt his sincerity . Glad someone did because I wasn 't buying it . Deep down I knew this was not going to work , although once again I decided to give him another chance . I had no idea why I said yes . I wanted to believe this was the last time I would deal with the other woman . Was he ready to give her up for good ? I was already on edge and wasn 't sure how much more I could take . Jezi 🙂 I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old .

Author 's Notes : This story takes place during the episode ' Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows ' . Part of this story is straight from the show , and part of it is my version of what was left out . Written February 2005 When Lucas got up he decided to just leave for school as quick as he could , so he wouldn 't have to have much contact with anyone . He had just moved into Dan and Debbie 's house , and it felt more then strange to be there . As he stepped out of his room he saw Dan who offered him some breakfast . Lucas declined just as Debbie was coming into the house . Debbie said , " Lucas , hi . What are you doing here ? " Lucas shook his head and walked out the door trying to get away quickly . He was originally going to head to school , but after his surprise morning , he decided to go see Nathan first . As he was walking he thought , ' How can that man be my father ? He 's so slimy , so underhanded . But at least he didn 't tell mom about my condition , and he 's paying for my medication and doctor visits , so maybe he isn 't all bad . But I wonder if he would be so willing to pay for it if he didn 't have me under his control with this secret . ' Lucas sighed and thought again about telling his mother the truth . But then he shook his head and thought , ' That would be selfish . You 're protecting her from getting hurt , and she couldn 't afford the medical expenses if I did tell her , and she wouldn 't want Dan to pay . ' Lucas was getting close to Nathan 's apartment and tried to block out his own problems by thinking about Nathan 's . He felt bad for both Nathan and Haley . They were so in love and such a happy couple just a week ago , but now she was gone . He believed she would be coming home when she was done with her musical tour , but he didn 't know if his half brother believed it . Lucas got to the apartment door and knocked . A disheveled looking Nathan answered the door . Lucas gave a slight smile and said , " You look like ass . " Lucas was still amazed sometimes at how their relationship had changed over the past year . When Lucas had first joined the basketball team , Nathan had hated him , and let everyone know it . He had made life miserable for Lucas , but then he fell in love with Haley and everything changed . Lucas said , " Can I came in ? " Lucas was disappointed that Nathan was obviously hurting , but not talking to anyone about it . He decided to try and make it easier for Nathan . He said , " I 'm really missing Haley . She hasn 't bothered to call me , but it must be harder for you . " Nathan didn 't want to talk to anyone about it . He wanted to forget about it , because if he started talking about it he knew he would cry . He said a little defensively , " It 's only twelve weeks . We 'll be fine . We 'll work it out when she gets back . " Before Lucas could say anything Nathan shut the door in his face . Lucas stood there for a minute before turning to walk to school . He shook his head thinking that Nathan hadn 't really been to school much this past week . He tried to think of some other way to help his brother , but nothing came to him . Nathan stood there looking at the closed door for a minute . He knew Lucas wanted to help , but it was all just too much for him . The whole fight with Haley kept playing in his mind again and again . He had told her that if she left to pursue her singing career , that they were finished . He had mostly said that because he didn 't want her to leave , and because Chris was on the tour too . His mind kept throwing him images of Haley and Chris kissing at the most inconvenient times . He knew Haley had told him the tour had nothing to do with her liking Chris , because she loved Nathan , and he even believed her , but he still didn 't trust Chris . After they had fought , Nathan had stormed out of the house . But once he had calmed down , he knew he had been wrong , and went back to tell her that if it was what she really wanted that he would be okay with it . He had even thought about trying to convince her to let him go with them . But when he had gotten home she was gone . When Lucas had come to the door , Nathan had been playing his PlayStation . He looked over to where it was sitting on the coffee table , and without thinking much about it picked it up and tossed it against the wall . It kind of felt good to see it smash , until he realized he had just wrecked the best way to get his mind off his problems . He shook his head at himself and said to the empty apartment , " Shit . " He looked down at himself and realized he hadn 't taken a shower for a couple of days . He slowly walked into the bedroom . He hadn 't been able to sleep there since Haley left . He 'd been crashing on the couch . He got himself some clean clothes and took a shower . While he was in the shower he kept thinking of Haley in the shower with him and almost broke down crying . He finished up as quick as he could and got dressed . He decided he was much too sober , and got himself a beer . He downed one pretty quick , and looked over at his TV and broken PlayStation . He wasn 't sure what to do with his day now . He got a second beer and sat in front of the TV to flip channels . Two hours later , Nathan had eaten some leftover pizza from the night before and had another beer . He couldn 't stand daytime TV . He thought to himself , " Who can watch this crap ? This worse then . school . " He gathered up his backpack , but instead of putting books in it , he put in four more beers . He pulled it over his shoulder and walked out the door . It was a nice sunny day out , and the walk to school actually made him feel slightly better . He had missed the first two classes , and the third was in progress when he finally got to school . He walked into Biology and thought it was kind of ironic that it was one of the two classes he had with Lucas . He took the desk in front of Lucas as the teacher said , " Mr . Scott . How nice of you to join us . " Nathan didn 't look back and didn 't whisper as he said , " Whatever . I 'm only here because the PlayStation broke . " As Nathan was talking he got a beer out of his backpack and opened it . He took a sip and sat it on his desk . Lucas just couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He whispered fiercely , " Are you insane ? What the hell are you doing ? " Ms . Hand didn 't let it phase her . She had heard stories about Nathan from other teachers , and knew that he wasn 't singling her out for his bad behavior . She gave him a smirk of her own as she said , " Funny . Let 's see if the principal thinks so too . " Nathan shrugged and picked up his pack to follow her . Lucas just covered his face with his hand , being both embarrassed for Nathan because he was being such an ass , and for himself because he was related . After school Lucas didn 't really want to go ' home ' . He didn 't want to have to talk to Dan or Debbie and play nice . He wanted to go home to his mom , but he couldn 't . He wandered around for a little while , and eventually decided to go see Nathan . He still had hopes that he could help Nathan see that things would be okay , and that he should keep his life together for when Haley did come home . He got to the apartment door , and as he was about to knock , Dan and Debbie arrived too . Dan said , " Lucas ? " Lucas looked uncomfortable , and so did Debbie , but Dan ignored them and knocked on the door . Nathan answered . He gave them all a fake smile and said , " Well , it 's the Scott family . " Nathan couldn 't believe Lucas was here with his parents in the first place , but to have him try and butt into the conversation was unacceptable . He liked Lucas now , and even was starting to feel close to him , but that was because of Haley , and not because they shared the same father . In fact Nathan didn 't want Lucas anywhere near his Mom and Dad , although he wasn 't sure why . He interrupted Lucas and said bluntly , " You can shut up by the way . " Lucas looked surprised , but did shut up . Debbie had been looking around and said , " How can you live like this ? The place is a pigsty . You 're skipping school and drinking in class . . " Nathan blew a fuse , and before he knew it , he had punched his father right on the jaw . Everyone was silent for a second . Then Dan , holding his jaw , and feeling the trickle of blood that was there said , " Nice punch son . It 's good to see there 's still a man in there somewhere . " Nathan couldn 't believe he had just hit his father , but he also couldn 't believe that his father was still insulting him in his own house . He knew he had to get away before he did something worse . He shook his head and walked into the bedroom . He slammed the door and locked it behind him waiting for them to leave . He looked over at the bed , and decided to sit on the floor . Lucas and Dan left , and Debbie sighed as she looked for the garbage bags . She picked up the place , and ended up with three trash bags full of garbage which included the broken PlayStation , and a moldy half a pizza she had found under the couch . Once she was done cleaning up she knocked on the bedroom door and said , " Nathan honey ? " Dan raised his eyebrows at Lucas . The things that Lucas said often surprised him , because he was just getting to know him . He said , " I 'm sure Haley is a good person , but she isn 't right for Nathan . The quicker he can cut her loose , the better off he 'll be . " Lucas felt his skin crawl every time Dan called him son , and this was no exception . He thought about Nathan and Haley the rest of the way home , and went directly to his room so he wouldn 't have to see or talk to Dan again that night . Nathan sat there on the bedroom floor until his butt had fallen asleep , and gone numb . He had been waiting out his mother for what seemed like hours . Finally he heard her say she was leaving . He got up and shook out his legs . His butt and upper left leg tingled as the skin woke back up . The whole time his mother had been cleaning he had been thinking about the short conversation between Lucas and Dan . He thought it sounded very odd . Why would Lucas accept a ride from Dan , and why the hell would they walk together anywhere . It had been bad enough that Lucas had witnessed the humiliating talk he had with his parents , but now Lucas and Dan seemed to be on friendly terms , and that didn 't set will with Nathan . He peeked out of his door to make sure the apartment really was empty . He couldn 't believe how clean the place was . He felt slightly guilty that his mom had cleaned up the place . It made him feel about ten . He sighed and decided to go see Payton and pump her for information about Lucas and Dan . He drove to Payton 's house , and just let himself in as usual . He called out , " Payton ? " He shrugged and looked away . His eyes fell on a man 's shirt that was on her bed . He remembered that in school he had seen her talking to Jake . He hadn 't dated Payton for a long time , but he still felt friendly towards her , and wanted her to be happy . He picked up the shirt and said , " So what 's the deal with you and Jake ? " Payton didn 't know what to say . Nathan said , " Speaking of Lucas , what 's up with him anyway ? Did something happen between him and Dan ? " Nathan was furious . He didn 't even know exactly why , but he knew he was , and it was all directed at his brother . He got in his car and slammed the door . He revved the engine , and peeled off . He drove recklessly to his parent 's house , and was lucky no cops were around . He screeched to a halt in the driveway . He got out of the car and slammed the door . He had made so much noise that Lucas , who 's bedroom was right at the front of the house , had heard him . Lucas went out to see what was going on in time to see Nathan slamming his door , and leaning on his car . Lucas gave him a tentative smile and tried to sound friendly as he said , " What are you doing here man ? " Nathan stopped leaning on his car and raised his voice even more to say , " Yeah , it 's exactly like that ! Do you realize that I wouldn 't be in this situation at all if it weren 't for you ? If you had stayed in your place at river court , I never would have met Haley . You ruined my life . " Debbie had been going through the house making sure the doors were locked before she got ready for bed , when she heard Nathan 's voice outside the front door . She opened it to see his car driving away and Lucas standing there . She said , " What did he want ? " Debbie not being all that comfortable with Lucas yet said , " Um . are you sure that 's a good idea ? e sounded angry , and he already hit Dan . nd well . you two do have a history of . . " Lucas smiled and said , " It 's okay Deb . You don 't have to sugar coat things for me . You 're worried we 'll end up throwing punches . " Lucas walked to Nathan 's apartment for the third time that day . He looked at his watch and realized that in an hour it would be tomorrow . As he was walking he thought , ' How can I convince Nathan that Haley will be back ? How can I get him to confide in me that he 's feeling hurt and abandoned by her ? He 's so lost without her . And I 'm sure it doesn 't help that she 's not calling . ' Lucas thought about the fact that he had left her a bunch of messages that she hadn 't returned until today . And then when she did call back , she had only said a few words to him before she hung up . He was a little disappointed in her , but knew she was hurting too . He thought , ' But I still don 't know what to do about Nathan . ' He wasn 't sure why it popped into his head , but he suddenly heard his Uncle Keith 's voice saying ' Someone should beat some sense into that kid . ' He didn 't get an answer and went in . It was shocking how different the apartment looked since Debbie had cleaned it . He looked around but didn 't see Nathan . He wandered into the bedroom , and saw Nathan sitting against the wall on the floor . There were two empty beers beside him and another in his hand . Lucas noticed that the bed was made , and still had one of Haley 's nighties on the pillow . He was thinking that was odd when Nathan looked up and said with anger , " What the fuck are you doing here Luke ? " Nathan yelled and took the few steps to Lucas and punched him in the face . Lucas fell back and landed on the floor . Lucas shook his head and held his eye saying , " Shit that hurt . " " No she 's not ! " As the last word came out , Nathan 's voice cracked , and he couldn 't stop the tears . He walked away and went into the bathroom shutting the door behind him . Lucas stood and looked at his face in the mirror that was in Haley 's vanity . He could tell it was going to bruise . He noticed all of Haley 's makeup , perfume , and jewelry were still out on the vanity , like they had just been used . He could hear Nathan in the bathroom trying to keep his crying quiet . Lucas went to the door and said , " Nathan . " Lucas knew he was talking about the first gift Nathan had given her , and even if it was a cheep Cracker Jack toy gift , it had sentimental value . " Why ? " Lucas said more to himself than to Nathan . Lucas tried the door and found it wasn 't locked . He looked at Nathan sitting on the edge of the tub . Lucas said , " I should kick your ass for that , but I promised Deb I wouldn 't . " Nathan felt his anger rise again and stood to say , " So what , is she your mom now too ? She needs someone to look after since I 'm gone ? Get the fuck out of my house , and go home to your new parents . " Lucas knew at that point that they would never be able to get to the real issue of Haley until he confessed the real reason he was staying with Dan . Lucas turned away and said , " I have it . " Nathan realized Lucas was talking about the heart condition that had recently given Dan a mild heart attack . Nathan didn 't know what to say . And as the silence lingered all Nathan could feel was guilt . Guilt that he had hit Lucas . Guilt that he had driven Haley away . And he even felt guilt because he knew he didn 't have the condition , and he was glad he didn 't . After a few minutes Lucas said with deadly calm , " If you tell my mother , I 'll find a way to make you suffer . " They stood there for a few more seconds and Nathan thought to himself that he had made a bad decision . He realized that if he really wanted to help Lucas , he should tell Karen , but he would stick to his promise now that he had made it . He looked at his brother and sighed as he said , " Let 's get you some ice for your eye . " Nathan sat back down and said , " What else is there to say . I fucked up the relationship . I 'm sorry I was mad at you . Jeez , I even blamed it on you didn 't I ? " Nathan interrupted and said , " No wait , I need to say this , because I 'm not going to mess up our relationship too . I was an ass back at my parent 's house . I told you this whole thing was your fault , but in reality , the time I had with Haley was the happiest I have ever been in my life . I owe you a debt of gratitude for brining us together , because no matter what else happens in my life , I 'll always know Haley was the best thing that ever happened to me . So thank you for that , and if you want to punch me back , I 'll let you . " He hung up , and Lucas just shook his head . Nathan held the phone up to Lucas and Lucas took it . He pocketed the phone and said , " You are unbelievable Nathan . I don 't want to punch you , but I sure as hell want to beat some sense into you . " Nathan got a little red knowing that Lucas got that phrase from their Uncle Keith , because Lucas had told him about it once when they were talking about the hit and run incident well after the fact . Lucas continued , " You 're skipping school , which knowing your grades , you can 't afford to do . You know how important school is to Haley , and you know for sure that she 's going to just be pissed about that . You just got suspended for a week . You were mean to Ms . Hand , who 's a pretty good teacher . You 're letting yourself go to hell with all the alcohol , and sitting on the couch . When was the last time you played ball ? And to top things off you 're hurting Haley even more , because you 're too stubborn to just call her and apologize ! " Nathan broke down into tears again . Lucas just stood there for a second thinking about things . He knew Nathan needed someone to help him get back on track , and he felt like he owed it to Haley , and to Nathan to try and help . He was thinking about Keith , and how many times Keith had suggested that Nathan needed someone to spank him . Lucas had been spanked a few times when he was quite a bit younger , both by his mom , and by his uncle . He knew it would break down Nathan 's defenses , and that if nothing else , it would let Nathan know that Lucas was seriously unhappy with his recent choices . He looked around and saw that Haley had left a flat wooden hairbrush on her vanity . He picked it up , and walked to Nathan . Nathan had his head in his hands , and wasn 't paying attention . Lucas pulled on Nathan 's upper arm and said , " Come on . " Nathan wasn 't sure where they were going , but he didn 't really care . He got up and let Lucas lead him to the bed . Then as they got to the edge of the bed , Lucas let go of Nathan 's upper arm , and grabbed his wrist . He quickly pulled Nathan 's arm behind his back , and pushed him face down onto the bed . Nathan wasn 't quite sure what was going on , but as he tried to stand up , he found that Lucas was holding him tightly in place . Nathan and Lucas were fairly evenly matched for height , weight , and strength , with Nathan being just slightly taller , but with Lucas gripping his arm behind his back , and his upper half on the bed , Nathan found he was stuck . Nathan yelled , " What the fuck Lucas ? " Lucas started spanking in earnest alternating sides , and making sure every inch of the butt in front of him was covered with swats . In between yelps of pain , Nathan yelled , " Lucas ! Stop it ! You can 't do this ! " Lucas did stop after a while and waited a couple of seconds to let Nathan catch his breath . Then he said , " Nathan , think about the things you 've done this past week . Think about what Haley would say to you about it . " Nathan was close to tears , and decided he needed to say whatever Lucas wanted to hear to be able to get up . But Lucas knew Haley , and he knew what Haley would really say , so Nathan was stuck with telling the truth . He said , " She . she would be . . unhappy . . angry with me . . she would . . tell me to get my ass to school . she would probably start tutoring me again until I caught up . " s own " Right again . Now , when I let you up , you are going to call Haley , and tell her how you really feel . She deserves to know that you miss her , and that you want her to come home , and that you didn 't mean what you said before she left . " Lucas didn 't give Nathan time to respond , but started spanking him again . Nathan had the chance to yell , " Stop ! Damn it , Stooooop ! " before he broke down crying . Lucas kept spanking for a few more seconds , to make sure Nathan wasn 't going to be able to just pull himself together right after it was done . Once it was done , Lucas let go of Nathan 's wrist , and went to put the hairbrush back where he had found it . He turned back around , and found that instead of standing up , Nathan had gotten up on the bed , and was laying on his side holding Haley 's nightie . Lucas felt a rush of emotions for both his brother and for Haley who had been his sister way before she was his sister in law . He went over and sat on the edge of the bed . He patted Nathan 's shoulder and said , " Nathan . Nate , it 's going to be okay . aley will come home , and I truly believe you two will work things out . he loves you . " Lucas got up and walked into the kitchen . He was surprised to see the refrigerator , freezer , and cupboards were all full of food . He made some soup and a sandwich because it was quick and easy . When he was done he went back in to see if Nathan was doing all right . He said , " The food 's ready Nate . " Nathan wiped at his face and got up . He kept his head down as he went into the kitchen . Nathan stood at the counter and put bites in his mouth without thinking much about it . His mind kept racing between what Lucas had done , and how Haley would feel about everything that had been going on . Lucas got some ice in a towel and held it to his eye , which was starting to hurt more . He sat on one of the counter stools , which was across from where Nathan was standing . Lucas said gently , " Nate . . you know that I love Haley . he 's been my friend and a sister to me since we were little . nd you and I . . well , we 're just starting a new relationship , trying to be brothers even though our Dad 's . well , Dan . I ust want to let you know that if you were anyone else , I would have just walked away . " < Lucas was relieved that Nathan wasn 't still yelling at him to get out , or trying to throw more punches . Lucas gave a half smile and said , " Emotionally ? Yes . Physically ? Probably not . " Lucas thought about it and said , " I won 't tell her if it stops . Starting tomorrow you go to see Coach Whitey and see if he can get your suspension lifted . And if that doesn 't work , and you need me to , I can help you catch up on what you missed . You also better stop drinking , and start eating something besides pizza . You have all kinds of food in the house that 's going to go bad if you don 't use it . " Lucas noticed Nathan wasn 't eating anymore , and he got out his cell phone . He dialed Haley 's number . He said , " Hi Haley , it 's Lucas . Nathan and I had a talk . He 's been really hurting since you 've been gone , and he was trying to hide it on that last message . Here he is again to tell you the truth . " He handed the phone to Nathan . Nathan said , " Haley . I . I love you , and I want you to come home . I didn 't mean what I said . H nest . I just . kept picturing you with Chris , and . . and I was jealous . Stu id , I know . I 'm so sorry . I h pe the tour is . going well , and I can 't wait to see you when it 's done . I mi s you . so much " > V Lucas couldn 't help but laugh . He laughed long and hard at the thought . Nathan looked confused . Lucas caught his breath and finally got out , " Sorry man , that 's just the funniest thing I 've heard in a long time . Trust me , that thought , never crossed my mind . Haley and I find guilt to be an effective motivator . She would feel so bad that I had taken up all that time and energy to find her , that she would have to call you just to feel better about it . " Nathan searched Lucas ' face for any signs of a lie , but found none . He nodded in understanding . They were silent for a few minutes and then Lucas said , " I better get home . " Nathan said , " Speaking of guilt . You know you have to tell your mom about it . " The next morning Nathan 's alarm went off early . He got up and got ready for school just in case Coach Whitey was able to get him back in . He took his basketball , and as he was about to leave , he saw an envelope that had been slipped under his door . He opened it and saw one of Payton 's drawings . It was of two hands with wedding rings , and the caption said , " Sometimes they come back . " Nathan looked at it for a minute wanting to believe it , and then left the apartment . He went to the river court to practice for half an hour before school started . While he was there Karen showed up . He didn 't see her at first and she called out , " Nathan ? " Nathan turned and saw her . They had never had much contact other then hearing about each other through Dan , Debbie , Lucas , and Haley . Nathan said , " Ms . Roe . What are you doing here ? " Karen looked lost and hurt as she sat down on the bleachers . Nathan felt bad and went to sit beside her . It hurt to sit , and he thought it would be better if he didn 't get to go to school today . But he thought Karen could use some comfort , so he stayed sitting . They sat in silence for a while and then he said , " I 'm sorry my dad was such a Dick to you . I 've been thinking about it a lot lately . It must have really hurt . " Nathan couldn 't help himself . It seemed like since Lucas opened the gates , his emotions just kept getting the better of him . He found himself confessing to Karen . He said , " When Haley told me about the tour . I got mad at her . told her that if she left with Chris , that it was over . . I didn 't really mean it . but she left anyway . " Karen felt for him and said , " Nathan . . I know what it 's like to have someone you love walk away . ut I know Haley . he 's a good person . know she 'll do the right thing . ou just have to have a little faith . " Nathan was so relieved to hear that Karen thought Haley would be back too , that he started to cry . Karen pulled him into a hug and waited him out . Nathan pulled himself together as quick as he could and then wiped at his face . Karen let him go and Nathan said , " Sorry . "

This is a slow train anyway , and it has slowed some more for the curve . Jackson is the only passenger left , and the next stop is about twenty miles ahead . Then the stop at Ripley , then Kincardine and the lake . He is in luck and it 's not to be wasted . Already he has taken his ticket stub out of its overhead notch . He takes his chance . A young man in good shape , agile as he 'll ever be . But the leap , the landing , disappoints him . He 's stiffer than he 'd thought , the stillness pitches him forward , his palms come down hard on the gravel between the ties , he 's scraped the skin . Nerves . The train is out of sight ; he hears it putting on a bit of speed , clear of the curve . He spits on his hurting hands , getting the gravel out . Then picks up his bag and starts walking back in the direction he has just covered on the train . If he followed the train he would show up at the station there well after dark . He 'd still be able to complain that he 'd fallen asleep and wakened all mixed up , thinking he 'd slept through his stop when he hadn 't , jumped off all confused . He would have been believed . Coming home from so far away , from Germany and the war , he could have got mixed up in his head . It 's not too late , he would be where he was supposed to be before midnight . But all the time he 's thinking this he 's walking in the opposite direction . He doesn 't know many names of trees . Maples , that everybody knows . Pines . He 'd thought that where he jumped was in some woods , but it wasn 't . The trees are just along the track , thick on the embankment , but he can see the flash of fields behind them . Fields green or rusty or yellow . Pasture , crops , stubble . He knows just that much . It 's still August . People he 'd met in the past few years seemed to think that if you weren 't from a city , you were from the country . And that was not true . Jackson himself was the son of a plumber . He had never been in a stable in his life or herded cows or stoked grain . Or found himself as now stumping along a railway track that seemed to have reverted from its normal purpose of carrying people and freight to become a province of wild apple trees and thorny berry bushes and trailing grapevines and crows scolding from perches you could not see . And right now a garter snake slithering between the rails , perfectly confident he won 't be quick enough to tramp on and murder it . He does know enough to figure that it 's harmless , but its confidence riles him . The little jersey , whose name was Margaret Rose , could usually be counted on to show up at the stable door for milking twice a day , morning and evening . Belle didn 't often have to call her . But this morning she was too interested in something down by the dip of the pasture field , or in the trees that hid the railway tracks on the other side of the fence . She heard Belle 's whistle and then her call , and started out reluctantly . But then decided to go back for another look . That was too much for Margaret Rose , she had to put on a display . Jump one way , then another . Toss of the wicked little horns . Nothing much , but jerseys can always surprise you with their speed and spurts of temper . Belle called out , to scold her and reassure him . Now she noticed the bag he had hold of . That was what had caused the trouble . She had thought he was just out walking the tracks , but he was going somewhere . " That 's what the trouble is . She 's upset with your bag . If you could just lay it down for a moment . I have to get her back towards the barn to milk her . " " You can pick it up now , " she said . " As long as you don 't wave it around at her . You 're a soldier , aren 't you ? If you wait till I get her milked I can get you some breakfast . Good night , I 've got out of breath . That 's a stupid name when you have to holler at her . Margaret Rose . " " I 'm the one responsible for it , " she said , as she got herself settled . " I 'm a royalist . Or I used to be . I have porridge made , on the back of the stove . It won 't take me long to milk . If you wouldn 't mind going round the barn and waiting where she can 't see you . It 's too bad I can 't offer you an egg . We used to keep hens but the foxes kept getting them and we just got fed up . " He took himself off around the barn . It was in bad shape . He peered between the boards to see what kind of a car she had , but all he could make out in there was an old buggy and some other wrecks of machinery . The white paint on the house was peeling and going gray . A window with boards nailed across it , where there must have been broken glass . The dilapidated henhouse where she had mentioned the foxes getting the hens . Shingles in a pile . There was a road running by . A small fenced field in front of the house , a dirt road . And in the field a dappled , peaceable - looking horse . A cow he could see reasons for keeping , but a horse ? Even before the war people on farms were getting rid of them , tractors were the coming thing . And she hadn 't looked like the sort to trot round on horseback just for the fun of it . Then it struck him . The buggy in the barn . It was no relic , it was all she had . For a while now he 'd been hearing a peculiar sound . The road rose up a hill , and from over that hill came a clip - clop , clip - clop . Along with the clip - clop some little tinkle or whistling . Now then . Over the hill came a box on wheels , being pulled by two quite small horses . Smaller than the ones in the field but no end livelier . And in the box sat a half dozen or so little men . All dressed in black , with proper black hats on their heads . The sound was coming from them . It was singing . Discrete high - pitched little voices , as sweet as could be . They never looked at him as they went by . They walked on planks laid over an uneven dirt floor , in a darkness provided by the boarded - up window . It was as chilly there as it had been in the hollow where he 'd slept . He had wakened again and again , trying to scrunch himself into a position where he could stay warm . The woman didn 't shiver here - she gave off a smell of frank healthy exertion and what was likely the cow 's hide . She poured the fresh milk into a basin and covered it with a piece of cheesecloth she kept by , then led him into the main part of the house . The windows there had no curtains , so the light was coming in . Also the woodstove had been in use . There was a sink with a hand - pump , a table with oilcloth on it worn in some places to shreds , and a couch covered with a patchy old quilt . So far , not so bad , though old and shabby . There was a use for everything you could see . But raise your eyes and up there on shelves was pile on pile of newspapers or magazines or just some kind of papers , up to the ceiling . " Oh , I 'm always here . I mean , I sleep here and everything . There isn 't any place else I can keep the draughts out . I 'm watchful . I haven 't had a chimney fire even . A couple of times it got too hot and I just threw some baking powder on it . Nothing to it . " My mother had to be here anyway , " she said . " There was no place else for her to be comfortable . I had her cot in here . I kept an eye on everything . I did think of moving all the papers into the front room but it 's really too damp in there , they would all be ruined . She died in May . Just when the weather got decent . She lived to hear about the end of the war on the radio . She understood perfectly . She lost her speech a long time ago but she could understand . I 'm so used to her not speaking that sometimes I think she 's here but she 's not . " " I never economize on tea . If it comes to that why not drink hot water ? We did run out when the weather got so bad last winter . The hydro gave out and the radio gave out and the sea gave out . I had a rope round the back door to hang on to when I went out to milk . I was going to get Margaret Rose into the back kitchen but I figured she 'd get too upset with the storm and I couldn 't hold her . Anyway she survived . We all survived . " " Oh . Were they sitting ? It must have been the little Mennonite boys . They drive their cart to church and they sing all the way . The girls have to go in the buggy but they let the boys ride in the cart . " " They wouldn 't . I used to say to Mother that we lived on the right road because we were just like the Mennonites . The horse and buggy and we drink our milk unpasteurized but the only thing is , neither one of us can sing . " When Mother died they brought so much food I was eating it for weeks . They must have thought there 'd be a wake or something . I 'm lucky to have them there . What this involved was actually making a new horse trough , and in order to do that he had to hunt around for any materials and tools he could find . It took him all day , and she served him pancakes and Mennonite maple syrup for supper . She said that if he 'd only come a week later she might have fed him fresh jam . She picked the wild berries growing along the railway track . They sat on kitchen chairs outside the back door until after the sun went down . She was telling him something about how she came to be here and he was listening , but not paying full attention because he was looking around and thinking how this place was on its last legs but not absolutely hopeless , if somebody wanted to settle down and fix things up . A certain investment of money was needed , but a greater investment of time and energy . It could be a challenge . He could almost bring himself to regret that he was moving on . Her father - she called him her daddy - had bought this place just for the summers , she said , and then he decided that they might as well live here all year round . He could work anywhere , because he made his living with a column for the Toronto Telegram . ( Jackson just for a second embarrassingly pictured this as a real column holding or helping to hold up a building . ) The mailman took what was written and it was sent off on the train . He wrote about all sorts of things that happened , mentioning Belle 's mother occasionally but calling her Princess Casamassima , out of some book . Her mother might have been the reason they stayed year round . She had caught the terrible flu of 1918 in which so many people died , and when she came out of it she was a mute . Not really , because she could make sounds all right , but she seemed to have lost words . Or they had lost her . She had to learn all over again to feed herself and go to the bathroom but one thing she never learned was to keep her clothes on in the hot weather . So you wouldn 't want her just wandering around and being a laughingstock , on some city street . Belle was away at a school in the winters . It took him a little effort to realize that what she referred to as Bishop Strawn was a school . It was in Toronto and she was surprised he hadn 't heard of it . It was full of rich girls but also had girls like herself who got special money from relations or wills to go there . It taught her to be rather snooty , she said . And it didn 't give her any idea of what she would do for a living . But that was all settled for her by the accident . Walking along the railway track , as he often liked to do on a summer evening , her father was hit by a train . She and her mother had already gone to bed when it happened and Belle thought it must be a farm animal loose on the tracks , but her mother was moaning dreadfully and seemed to know first thing . Sometimes a girl she had been friends with at school would write to ask her what on earth she could find to do up there , but little did they know . There was milking and cooking and taking care of her mother and she had the hens at that time as well . She learned how to cut up potatoes so each part has an eye , and plant them and dig them up the next summer . She had not learned to drive and when the war came she sold her daddy 's car . The Mennonites let her have a horse that was not good for farmwork anymore , and one of them taught her how to harness and drive it . One of the old friends came up to visit her and thought the way she was living was a hoot . She wanted her to go back to Toronto but what about her mother ? Her mother was a lot quieter now and kept her clothes on , also enjoyed listening to the radio , the opera on Saturday afternoons . Of course she could do that in Toronto but Belle didn 't like to uproot her . Or maybe it was herself she was talking about , who was scared of uproot . The first thing he had to do was to make some rooms other than the kitchen fit to sleep in , come the cold weather . He had some mice to get rid of and even some rats , now coming in from the cooling weather . He asked her why she 'd never invested in a cat and heard a piece of her peculiar logic . She said it would always be killing things and dragging them for her to look at , which she didn 't want to do . He kept a sharp ear open for the snap of the traps , and got rid of them before she knew what had happened . Then he lectured about the papers filling up the kitchen , the firetrap problem , and she agreed to move them , if the front room could be got free of damp . That became his main job . He invested in a heater and repaired the walls , and persuaded her to spend the better part of a month climbing down and getting the papers , rereading and reorganizing them and fitting them on the shelves he had made . She told him then that the papers contained her father 's book . Sometimes she called it a novel . He did not think to ask anything about it but one day she told him it was about two people named Matilda and Stephen . A historical novel . She said that Stephen had been a hero . A man of honor , far too good for his times . He was that rare person who wasn 't all out for himself or looking to break his word the moment it was convenient to do so . Consequently and finally he was not a success . And then Matilda . She was a straight descendant of William the Conqueror and as cruel and haughty as you might expect . Though there might be people stupid enough to defend her because she was a woman . Jackson of course wasn 't stupid . He knew that books existed because people sat down and wrote them . They didn 't just appear out of the blue . But why , was the question . There were books already in existence , plenty of them . Two of which he had to read at school . A Tale of Two Cities and Huckleberry Finn , each of them with language that wore you down , though in different ways . And that was understandable . They were written in the past . What puzzled him , though he didn 't intend to let on , was why anybody would want to sit down and do another one , in the present . Now . A tragedy , said Belle briskly , and Jackson didn 't know if it was her father she was talking about or the people in the book that had not been finished . Anyway , now that this room was livable his mind was on the roof . No use to fix up a room and have the state of the roof render it unlivable again in a year or two . He had managed to patch the roof so that it would do her a couple more winters but he could not guarantee more than that . And he still planned to be on his way by Christmas . The Mennonite families on the next farm ran to older girls and the younger boys he had seen , not strong enough yet to take on heavier chores . Jackson had been able to hire himself out to them during the fall harvest . He had been brought in to eat with the others and to his surprise found that the girls behaved giddily as they served him , they were not at all mute as he had expected . The mothers kept an eye on them , he noticed , and the fathers kept an eye on him . All safe . And of course with Belle not a thing had to be spoken of . She was - he had found this out - sixteen years older than he was . To mention it , even to joke about it , would spoil everything . She was a certain kind of woman , he a certain kind of man . The town where they shopped , when they needed to , was called Oriole . It was in the opposite direction from the town where he had grown up . He tied up the horse in the United Church shed there , since there were of course no hitching posts left on the main street . At first he was leery of the hardware store and the barbershop . But soon he realized something about small towns which he should have realized just from growing up in one . They did not have much to do with each other , unless it was for games run off in the ballpark or the hockey arena , where all was a fervent made - up sort of hostility . When people needed to shop for something their own stores could not supply they went to a city . The same when they wanted to consult a doctor other than the ones their own town could offer . He didn 't run into anybody familiar , and nobody showed a curiosity about him , though they might look twice at the horse . In the winter months , not even that , because the back roads were not plowed and people taking their milk to the creamery or eggs to the grocery had to make do with horses . Belle always stopped to see what movie was on though she had no intention of going to see any of them . Her knowledge of movies and movie stars was extensive but came from some years back . For instance she could tell you whom Clark Gable was married to in real life before he became Rhett Butler . That shook Jackson up a little but at least it was better than husband and wife . It made him realize how he must have aged and changed over the years , and how the person who had jumped off the train , that skinny nerve - wracked soldier , would not be so recognizable in the man he was now . Whereas Belle , so far as he could see , was stopped at some point in life where she remained a grown - up child . And her talk reinforced this impression , jumping back and forth , into the past and out again , so that it seemed she made no difference between their last trip to town and the last movie she had seen with her mother and father , or the comical occasion when Margaret Rose - now dead - had tipped her horns at a worried Jackson . It was the second car they had owned that took them to Toronto in the summer of 1962 . This was a trip they had not anticipated and it came at an awkward time for Jackson . For one thing , he was building a new horse barn for the Mennonites , who were busy with the crops , and for another , he had his own harvest of vegetables coming on , which he planned to sell to the grocery store in Oriole . But Belle had a lump that she had finally been persuaded to pay attention to , and she was booked now for an operation in Toronto . This was before they got past Kitchener . Once they got on the new highway she was truly alarmed , imploring him to find a side road or else turn around and go home . He found himself speaking sharply to her - the traffic was surprising him too . She stayed quiet all the way after that , and he had no way of knowing whether she had her eyes closed , had given up , or was praying . He had never known her to pray . Even this morning she had tried to get him to change his mind about going . She said the lump was getting smaller , not larger . Since the health insurance for everybody had come in , she said , nobody did anything but run to the doctor and make their lives into one long drama of hospitals and operations , which did nothing but prolong the period of being a nuisance at the end of life . She calmed down and cheered up once they got to their turnoff and were actually in the city . They found themselves on Avenue Road , and in spite of exclamations about how everything had changed , she seemed to be able on every block to recognize something she knew . There was the apartment building where one of the teachers from Bishop Strawn had lived ( that was only the pronunciation , the name was spelled Strachan , as she had told him a while ago ) . In the basement there was a shop where you could buy milk and cigarettes and the newspaper . Wouldn 't it be strange , she said , if you could go in there and still find the Telegram , where there would be not only her father 's name but his smudgy picture , taken when he still had all his hair ? Then a little cry , and down a side street she had seen the very church - she could swear it was the very church - in which her parents had been married . They had taken her there to show her , though it wasn 't a church they were members of . They did not go to any church , far from it . Her father said they had been married in the basement but her mother said the vestry . At the hospital they were ready for her . She continued to be lively , telling them about her horrors in the traffic and about the changes , wondering if there was still such a show put on at Christmas by Eaton 's store . And did anybody remember the Telegram ? Belle would be put to bed now , they said . A doctor would come to have a look at her , and Jackson could come back later to say good night . He might find her a little dopey by that time , they said . When he came back in the evening he did see a change , though he would not have described Belle then as dopey . They had put her into some kind of green cloth sack that left her neck and most of her arms quite bare . He had seldom seen her so bare , or noticed the raw - looking cords that stretched between her collarbone and her chin . In a few moments she started to recall the house and all the improvements that they - or mostly he - had made on it . The white paint shining on the outside and even the back kitchen whitewashed and furnished with a plank floor . The roof reshingled and the windows restored to their plain old style , and most of all glories , the plumbing that was such a joy in the wintertime . " When I come out of this I am going to make a will , " she said . " All yours . You won 't have wasted your labors . " He had of course thought about this , and you would have expected that the prospects of ownership would have brought a sober satisfaction to him , though he would have expressed a truthful and companionable hope that nothing would happen too soon . But no . It all seemed quite to have little to do with him , to be quite far away . He had spoken closer to the truth than he could have guessed . Two days after the lump 's removal Belle was sitting up in a different room , eager to greet him and not at all disturbed by the moans coming from a woman behind the curtain in the next bed . That was more or less what she - Belle - had sounded like yesterday , when he never got her to open her eyes or notice him at all . " Don 't pay any attention to her , " said Belle . " She 's completely out of it . Probably doesn 't feel a thing . She 'll come round tomorrow bright as a dollar . Or maybe she won 't . " A somewhat satisfied , institutional authority was showing , a veteran 's callousness . She was sitting up in bed and swallowing some kind of bright orange drink through a conveniently bent straw . She looked a lot younger than the woman he had brought to the hospital such a short time before . " Oh , I do have to tell you , " she said , breaking right into his explanation of why he had not got to the museum . " Oh , don 't look so alarmed . You 'll make me laugh with that face on , it 'll hurt my stitches . Why on earth should I be thinking of laughing anyway ? It 's a dreadfully sad thing really , it 's a tragedy . You know about my father , what I 've told you about my father - " " The house was in better shape then than when you first got to see it . Well it would be . We used that room at the top of the stairs for our bathroom . Of course we had to carry the water up and down . Only later , when you came , I was using the downstairs . With the shelves in it , you know , that had been a pantry ? " " Oh well , what does it matter ? " she said , as if she followed his thoughts . " So I had heated the water and I carried it upstairs to have my sponge bath . And I took off my clothes . Well I would . There was a big mirror over the sink , you see it had a sink like a real bathroom only you had to pull out the plug and let the water back into the pail when you were finished . The toilet was elsewhere . You get the picture . So I proceeded to wash myself and I was bare naked , naturally . It must have been around nine o ' clock at night so there was plenty of light . It was summer , did I say ? That little room facing west ? " Then I heard steps and of course it was Daddy . My father . He must have been finished putting Mother to bed . I heard the steps coming up the stairs and I did notice they sounded heavy . Somewhat not like usual . Very deliberate . Or maybe that was just my impression afterwards . You are apt to dramatize things afterwards . The steps stopped right outside the bathroom door and if I thought anything I thought , Oh , he must be tired . I didn 't have any bolt across the door because of course there wasn 't one . You just assumed somebody was in there if the door was closed . " So he was standing outside the door and I didn 't think anything of it and then he opened the door and he just stood and looked at me . And I have to say what I mean . Looking at all of me , not just my face . My face looking into the mirror and him looking at me in the mirror and also what was behind me and I couldn 't see . It wasn 't in any sense a normal look . " I 'll tell you what I thought . I thought , He 's walking in his sleep . I didn 't know what to do , because you are not supposed to startle anybody that is sleepwalking . " But then he said , ' Excuse me , ' and I knew he was not asleep . But he spoke in a funny kind of voice , I mean it was a strange voice . Very much as if he was disgusted with me . Or mad at me , I didn 't know . Then he left the door open and just went away down the hall . I dried myself and got into my nightgown and went to bed and went to sleep right away . When I got up in the morning there was the water I had drained and I didn 't want to go near it but I did . " But everything seemed normal and he was up already typing away . He just yelled good morning and then he asked me how to spell some word . The way he often did , because I was a better speller . So I did and then I said he should learn how to spell if he thought he was a writer , he was hopeless . But then sometime later in the day when I was washing some dishes he came up right behind me and I froze . He just said , ' Belle , I 'm sorry . ' And I thought , Oh , I wish he had not said that . It scared me . I knew it was true he was sorry but he was putting it out in the open in a way I could not ignore . I just said , ' That 's okay , ' but I couldn 't make myself say it in an easy voice or as if it really was okay . " I couldn 't . I had to let him know he had changed us . I went to throw out the dishwater and then I went back to whatever else I was doing and not another word . Later I got Mother up from her nap and I had supper ready and I called him but he didn 't come . I said to Mother that he must have gone for a walk . He often did when he got stuck in his writing . I helped mother cut up her food . " I didn 't know where he could have gone . I got Mother ready for bed though that was his job . Then I heard the train coming and all at once the commotion and the screeching which was the train brakes and I must have known what had happened though I don 't know exactly when I knew . " But I 'm not telling you this , I am not telling you just to be harrowing . At first I couldn 't stand it and for the longest time I was actually making myself think that he was walking along the tracks with his mind on his work and never heard the train . That was the story all right . I was not going to think it was about me or even what it primarily was about . Sex . " It seems to me just now I have got a real understanding of it and that it was nobody 's fault . It was the fault of human sex in a tragic situation . Me growing up there and Mother the way she was and Daddy , naturally , the way he would be . Not my fault nor his fault . " There should be acknowledgment , that 's all I mean , places where people can go if they are in a situation . And not be all ashamed and guilty about it . If you think I mean brothels , you are right . If you think prostitutes , right again . Do you understand ? " " I feel so released . It 's not that I don 't feel the tragedy , but I have in a way got outside the tragedy , is what I mean . It is just the mistakes of humanity that are tragic , if you see what I mean . You mustn 't think because I 'm smiling that I don 't have compassion . I have serious compassion . But I have to say I am relieved . At the same time . I have to say I somehow feel happy . You are not embarrassed by listening to all this ? " " You realize I am in a slightly abnormal state . I know I am . There is this abnormal clarity . I mean in everything . Everything so clear . I am so grateful for it . " The nurse said that she had to give Belle her sleepy - time pill . He was afraid she would tell him to kiss her good night . He had noticed that a lot of kissing went on in the hospital . He was glad when he stood up that there was no mention of it . He woke up early , and decided to take a walk before breakfast . He had slept all right but told himself he ought to take a break from the hospital air . It wasn 't that he was worried so much by the change in Belle . He thought it was possible or even probable that she would get back to normal , either today or in a couple more days . She might not even remember the story she had told him . Which would be a blessing . The sun was well up , as you could expect at this time of year , and the buses and streetcars were already pretty full . He walked south for a bit , then turned west onto Dundas Street , and after a while found himself in the Chinatown he had heard about . Loads of recognizable and many not - so - recognizable vegetables were being trundled into shops , and small , skinned , apparently edible animals were already hanging up for sale . The streets were full of illegally parked trucks and noisy , desperate - sounding Chinese . All the high - pitched clamor sounded like they had a war going on , but probably to them it was just everyday . Nevertheless he felt like getting out of the way , and he went into a restaurant run by Chinese but advertising an ordinary breakfast of eggs and bacon . When he came out of there he intended to turn around and retrace his steps . But instead he found himself heading south again . He had got onto a residential street lined with tall and fairly narrow brick houses . They must have been built before people in the area felt any need for driveways or possibly before they even had cars . Before there were such things as cars . He walked until he saw a sign for Queen Street , which he had heard of . He turned west again and after a few blocks he came to an obstacle . In front of a doughnut shop he ran into a small crowd of people . They were stopped by an ambulance , backed right up on the sidewalk so you could not get by . Some of them were complaining about the delay and asking loudly if it was even legal to park an ambulance on the sidewalk , and others were looking peaceful enough while they chatted about what the trouble might be . Death was mentioned , some of the onlookers speaking of various candidates and others saying that was the only legal excuse for the vehicle being where it was . The man who was finally carried out , bound to the stretcher , was surely not dead or they 'd have had his face covered . He was not being carried out through the doughnut shop , as some had jokingly predicted - that was some sort of dig at the quality of the doughnuts - but through the main door of the building . It was a decent enough brick apartment building five stories high , housing a Laundromat as well as the doughnut shop on its main floor . The name carved over its main door suggested pride as well as some foolishness in its past . A man not in ambulance uniform came out last . He stood there looking with exasperation at the crowd that was now thinking of breaking up . The only thing to wait for now was the grand wail of the ambulance as it found its way onto the street and tore away . Jackson was one of those who didn 't bother to walk away . He wouldn 't have said he was curious about any of this , more that he was just waiting for the inevitable turn he had been expecting , to take him back to where he 'd come from . The man who had come out of the building walked over and asked if he was in a hurry . " I 've got to get to the hospital and see what 's the trouble with him . Right as rain yesterday . Never complained . Nobody close that I can call on , so far as I know . The worst , I can 't find the keys . Not on him and not usually where he keeps them . So I got to go home and get my spares and I just wondered , could you keep a watch on things meanwhile ? I got to go home and I got to go to the hospital too . I could ask some of the tenants but I 'd just rather not , if you know what I mean . Natural curiosity or something . " There was a chair Jackson had not noticed . Folded and pushed out of the way so the ambulance could park . It was just one of those canvas chairs but comfortable enough and sturdy . Jackson set it down with thanks in a spot where it would not interfere with passersby or apartment dwellers . No notice was taken of him . He had been about to mention the hospital and the fact that he himself had to get back there before too long . But the man had been in a hurry , and he already had enough on his mind , and he had already made the point that he would be as quick as he could . When the owner came back he apologized for being late . The fact was that the man who had been taken away in the ambulance had died . Arrangements had to be made . A new set of keys had become necessary . Here they were . There 'd be some sort of funeral involving those in the building who had been around a long time . Notice in the paper might bring in a few more . A troublesome spell , till this was sorted out . If he wanted to take a little time , that could be managed . Right after the funeral and some disposal of goods . A few days he could have then , to get his affairs together and do the proper moving in . Naturally this roused a little suspicion . Jackson was not surprised a couple of days later to hear that this new employer had made a visit to the police . But all was well , apparently . He had emerged as just one of those loners who may have got themselves in too deep some way or another but have not been guilty of breaking any law . As a rule , Jackson liked to have older people in the building . And as a rule , single people . Not zombies . People with interests . Talent . The sort of talent that had been noticed once , made some kind of a living once , though not enough to hang on to all through a life . An announcer whose voice had been familiar on the radio during the war but whose vocal cords were shot to pieces now . Most people probably believed he was dead . But here he was in his bachelor suite , keeping up with the news and subscribing to the Globe and Mail , which he passed on to Jackson in case there was anything of interest to him in it . Marjorie Isabella Treece , daughter of Willard Treece , longtime columnist for the Toronto Telegram , and his wife Helena ( née Abbott ) Treece , has passed away after a courageous battle with cancer . Oriole paper please copy . July 18 , 1965 . No mention of where she had been living . Probably in Toronto . She had lasted maybe longer than he had expected . He didn 't spend a moment 's time picturing the rooms of work he 'd done on her place . He didn 't have to - such things were often recalled in dreams , and his feeling then was more of exasperation than of longing , as if he had to get to work on something that had not been finished . In the building of Bonnie Dundee , there had to be consideration of human beings , as he tackled the upkeep of their surroundings and of what the women might call their nests . ( The men were usually uneasy about any improvement meaning a raise in the rent . ) He talked them round , with good respectful manners and good fiscal sense , and the place became one with a waiting list . " We could fill it all up without a loony in the place , " said the owner . But Jackson pointed out that the loonys as he called them were generally tidier than average , besides which they were a minority . There was a woman who had once played in the Toronto Symphony and an inventor who had truly just missed out on a fortune for one of his inventions and had not given up yet though he was over eighty . And a Hungarian refugee actor whose accent was not in demand but who still had a commercial running somewhere in the world . They were all well behaved , even those who went out to the Epicure Bar every day at noon and stayed till closing . Also they had friends among the truly famous who might show up once in a blue moon for a visit . Nor should it be sneezed at that the Bonnie Dundee had an in - house preacher , on shaky terms with whatever his church might be but always able to officiate when called upon . An exception was the young couple named Candace and Quincy who never settled their rent and skipped out in the middle of the night . The owner happened to have been in charge when they came looking for a room , and he excused himself for his bad choice by saying that a fresh face was needed around the place . Candace 's . Not the boyfriend 's . The boyfriend was a crude sort of jerk . On a hot summer day Jackson had the double back doors , the delivery doors , open , to let in what air he could while he worked at varnishing a table . It was a pretty table he 'd got for nothing because its polish was all worn away . He thought it would look nice to put the mail on , in the entryway . There was a light touch on the front doorbell . Jackson was ready to haul himself up , cleaning his brush , because he thought the owner in the midst of figures might not care to be disturbed . But it was all right , he heard the door being opened , a woman 's voice . A voice on the edge of exhaustion , yet able to maintain something of its charm , its absolute assurance that whatever it said would win over anybody who came within listening range . This was the last address she had , she said , for her daughter . She was looking for her daughter . Candace her daughter . She had come here from British Columbia . From Kelowna where she and the girl 's father lived . She must have put her head down in her hands as her voice grew muffled . The owner came out into the hall and dropped some change into the machine to get a 7 - Up . He might have thought that more ladylike than a Coke . Around the corner he saw Jackson listening , and he made a gesture that he , Jackson , should take over , being perhaps more used to distraught tenants . But Jackson shook his head violently . No . She had got up now , and they were moving . Out of the office , down the couple of steps to the front door . Then the door was opened and street noises swallowed up her farewells if there were any . Of course he would like to have seen her . He hadn 't got much of an impression of the daughter . Her hair was blond but very likely dyed . No more than twenty though it was sometimes hard to tell nowadays . Very much under the thumb of the boyfriend . Run away from home , run away from your bills , break your parents ' hearts , for a sulky piece of goods , a boyfriend . Where was Kelowna ? In the west somewhere . British Columbia . A long way to come looking . Of course she was a persistent woman . An optimist . Probably that was true of her still . She had married . Unless the girl was out of wedlock and that struck him as very unlikely . She 'd be sure , sure of herself the next time , she wouldn 't be one for tragedy . The girl wouldn 't be , either . She 'd come home when she 'd had enough . She might bring along a baby but that was all the style nowadays . Shortly before Christmas in the year 1940 there had been an uproar in the high school . It had even reached the third floor where the clamor of typewriters and adding machines usually kept all the downstairs noises at bay . The oldest girls in the school were up there - girls who last year had been learning Latin and biology and European history and were now learning to type . One of these was Ileane Bishop , a minister 's daughter , although there were no bishops in her father 's United Church . Ileane had arrived with her family when she was in grade nine and for five years , because of the custom of alphabetical seating , she had sat behind Jackson Adams . By that time Jackson 's phenomenal shyness and silence had been accepted by everybody else in the class but it was new to her , and during the next five years , by not acknowledging it , she had produced a thaw . She borrowed erasers and pen nibs and geometry tools from him , not so much to break the ice as because she was naturally scatterbrained . They exchanged answers to problems and marked each other 's tests . When they met on the street they said hello , and to her his hello was actually more than a mumble - it had two syllables and an emphasis to it . Nothing much was presumed beyond that except that they had certain jokes . Ileane was not a shy girl but she was clever and aloof and not particularly popular , and that seemed to suit him . From her position on the stairs , when all these older girls came out to see the ruckus , Ileane along with all the others was surprised to see that one of the two boys causing it was Jackson . The other was Bill Watts . Boys who only a year ago had sat hunched over books and shuffled dutifully between one classroom and another . Now in army uniforms they looked twice the size they had been , their powerful boots making a ferocious noise as they galloped around . They were shouting out that school was canceled for the day , because everybody had to join the army . They were distributing cigarettes everywhere , even tossing them on the floor where they could be picked up by boys who didn 't even shave . Ileane Bishop understood , it seemed , that Jackson was truly drunk but that the effect of this was to enable him to play drunk , therefore the drunkenness displayed could be managed . ( Billy Watts was just drunk , through and through . ) With this understanding Ileane walked down the stairs , smiling , and accepted a cigarette , which she held unlit between her fingers . She linked arms with both heroes and marched them out of the school . There was a conflict of opinion about this later , in Ileane 's father 's congregation . Some said Ileane had not actually smoked hers , just pretended to pacify the boys , while others said she certainly had . Smoked . Meanwhile he had to be got home , and Jackson pulled him so that they could get his arms over their shoulders and drag him along . Fortunately his house was not far from the school . They left him there , passed out on the front steps , and entered into a conversation . It just happened that Ileane 's mother herself was away , looking after Ileane 's sick grandmother . Ileane was at the time keeping house in a haphazard way for her father and her two young brothers . This was fortunate . Not that her mother would have made a fuss , but she would have wanted to know the ins and outs and who was this boy ? At the very least she would have made Ileane go to school as usual . Ileane 's father didn 't pay attention to them . He was more interested in the war than some of his parishioners thought a minister should be , and this made him proud to have a soldier in the house . Also he was unhappy not to be able to send his daughter to college , on his minister 's salary , because he had to put something by to send her brothers someday . That made him lenient . Jackson and Ileane didn 't go to the movies . They didn 't go to the dance hall . They went for walks , in any weather and often after dark . Sometimes they went into a restaurant and drank coffee , but did not try to be friendly to anybody . What was the matter with them ? Were they falling in love ? " You better watch that stuff , " she said , with a big laugh . She had a reputation for being a loudmouth but people said she didn 't mean any harm . Ileane was especially ladylike , partly to annoy her . That time at the parsonage turned out to be Jackson 's last leave . They wrote to each other . Ileane wrote about finishing her typing and shorthand and getting a job in the office of the town clerk . In spite of what she had said about caricatures she was determinedly satirical about everything , more than she had been in school . Maybe she thought that someone at war needed joking . Ileane had learned to sew . She was making a new summer dress in honor of his homecoming , a dress of lime - green rayon silk with a full skirt and cap sleeves , worn with a narrow belt of gold imitation leather . She meant to wind a ribbon of the same green material around the crown of her summer straw hat . And he replied , " Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God . That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way . " Then they went upstairs very quietly and he went to bed in the spare room . Her coming to him must have been by mutual agreement because he was not surprised . It was a disaster . But by the way she behaved , she didn 't seem to know . The more disaster , the more frantic became her stifled displays of passion . There was no way he could stop her trying , or explain . Was it possible a girl could know so little ? They parted finally as if all had gone well . And the next morning said goodbye in the presence of her father and brothers . In a short while the letters began , loving as could be . He got drunk and tried once more , in Southampton . But the woman said , " That 's enough , sonny boy , you 're down and out . " Athing he didn 't like was women or girls dressing up . Gloves , hats , swishy skirts , all some demand and bother about it . But how could she know that ? Lime green , he wasn 't sure he knew the color . It sounded like acid . Now that she was gone , Jackson felt a wish to see her . Her voice even in distress had been marvelously unchanged . Drawing all importance to itself , musical levels . He could never ask the owner what she looked like , whether her hair was still dark , or gray , and she herself skinny or gone stout . He had not paid much attention to the daughter , except on the matter of disliking the boyfriend . She had married . Unless she 'd had the child by herself and that wasn 't likely . She would have a prosperous husband , other children . This the one to break her heart . That kind of girl would come back . She 'd be too spoiled to stay away . She 'd come back when necessary . Even the mother - Ileane - hadn 't she had some spoiled air about her , some way of arranging the world and the truth to suit herself , as if nothing could foil her for long ? The next day whatever ease he had about the woman passing from his life was gone . She knew this place , she might come back . She might settle herself in for a while , walking up and down these streets , trying to find where the trail was warm . Humbly but not really humbly making inquiries of people , in that spoiled cajoling voice . It was possible he would run into her right outside this door . Things could be locked up , it only took some determination . When he was as young as six or seven he locked up his stepmother 's fooling , what she called her fooling or her teasing when she gave him a bath . He ran out on the street after dark and she got him in but she saw there 'd be some real running away if she didn 't stop so she stopped . She said he was no fun because she could never say that anybody hated her . But she knew he hated her even if she couldn 't account for it and she stopped . He spent three more nights in the building called Bonnie Dundee . He wrote an account for the owner of every apartment and when and what upkeep was due . He said that he had been called away , without indicating why or where to . He emptied his bank account and packed the few things belonging to him . In the evening , late in the evening , he got on the train . He slept off and on during the night and in one of those snatches he saw the little Mennonite boys go by in their cart . He heard their small sweet voices singing . Escritor colombiano , nacido en Málaga . Magíster en Literatura ( Pontificia Universidad Javeriana ) y Especialista en Traducción ( Universidad de Pamplona ) . Antes maestro de herrería , zapatero , portero de discoteca , expendedor de una estación de gasolina , librero de fin de semana , maestro de escuela y profesor universitario , ahora se dedica a la escritura , la fotografía , la pintura y otras delicias . Ha publicado El jardín del unicornio y otros lugares para hombres solos ( 2002 ) , Noticias de la niebla ( 2003 ) , Mujeres muertas de amor ( 2008 ) , Cuerpo de amor herido ( 2010 ) y Mujeres ( 2011 ) . Su obra para niños incluye los siguientes títulos : La silla que perdió un pata y otras historias ( 1988 ) , El león que escribía cartas de amor ( 1989 ) , La media perdida ( 1989 ) , La lagartija y el sol ( 1989 ) , Las batallas de Rosalino ( 1989 ) , Los casibandidos que casi roban el sol ( 1991 ) , Caperucita roja y otras historias perversas ( 1991 ) , La muchacha de Transilvania y otras historias de amor ( 1993 ) , La pluma más bonita ( 1994 ) , Serafín es un diablo ( 1998 ) , El Superburro y otros héroes ( 1999 ) , El vampiro y otras visitas ( 2000 ) , La sirena de agua dulce ( 2001 ) , Los besos de María ( 2001 ) , Pecas ( 2002 ) , Mamá no es una gallina ( 2002 ) , La gota de agua ( 2003 ) , La verdadera historia del gato con botas ( 2003 ) , Tres tristes tigres ( 2004 ) , Carmela toda la vida ( 2004 ) , La caja de las lágrimas ( 2004 ) , Roberto está loco ( 2005 ) , Los olvidos de Alejandra ( 2005 ) , El árbol triste ( 2005 ) , La hija del vampiro ( 2006 ) Yo , Claudia ( 2006 ) Señoras y señores ( 2007 ) , Bocaflor ( 2008 ) , María Pepitas ( 2008 ) , El papá de los tres cerditos ( 2009 ) , El último viaje de Lupita López ( 2011 ) , Las barbas del árbol ( 2011 ) . Como dramaturgo , ha publicado : La vaca de Octavio ( 1997 ) , La araña sube al monte ( 1997 ) , El pirata de la pata de palo ( 1997 ) , Lucy es pecosa ( 1997 ) , Mambrú se fue a la guerra ( 1998 ) , Después de la lluvia ( 1998 ) , Torcuato es un león viejo ( 2000 ) , Amores eternos ( 2003 ) , La ventana y la bruja ( 2003 ) , El amor y otras materias ( 2004 ) , La casa de chocView my complete profile

How do you do this ? Today was my eighteenth birthday , the age of majority . I was a kid , a minor , yesterday and no one would listen to me . They still don 't listen to me today , but I was getting it across that I wasn 't happy . Mom and Dad were buried last week , after a hurried autopsy that declared their deaths accidental . I don 't think so . The autopsy said they had both been drinking and were under the influence of not only booze , but some kind of drug that would make them a little crazy . That was impossible because Dad had always been a teetotaler , although Mom liked a nip of wine and some Kentucky hooch when her family brought some down . That 's probably how I had two younger brothers and three younger sisters . I know , I know , six kids are probably too many , but we were country people and a lot of the families around had ten , eleven , twelve , and one family had fifteen kids . The mother of that bunch was still ' Hot ' in most of the neighborhood locals ' minds . With a wife like that , I would have been breeding her every chance I had too . This was a very good Catholic neighborhood . My family wasn 't Catholic , but we fit right in . I explained to all my siblings that we probably needed some more knowledgeable adult opinions . They all looked to me for direction . I couldn 't tell them everything I felt , but I could tell them that we would all be taken care of . One of Dad 's brothers showed up for the funeral and came out to the farm to talk to me . We talked for a while , until he finally said , " You have five brothers and sisters who could be homeless if you can 't keep the farm up . My wife , Kate , and I would be willing to take them in if you sign the farm over to me . " I wanted to jump at the offer , but I also knew the farm had a value . I told my uncle , " Let me keep that in mind while I try to figure out where we are . The savings and loan told me that we were six months ahead in payments on the last farmer 's crop loan , so we have a few months to figure out where we stand . I think we have enough to get through this winter and into spring planting . I don 't have the figures from the grain elevator for our share of what we harvested this year yet . We had probably the best wheat crop that we 've had in years and this year 's corn is going to be way above average . " Uncle Seth said , " You 'll never make it past spring planting with the cash your dad had on hand . You 'll be selling the equipment at auction and the farm for a tax sale within a year . I 'll make sure the kids are taken care of and you can find a job to make your life better . " " Yes Sir , it is , but he would be getting the farm and everything there and I would be homeless and broke . Where do I live ? Do I find a highway overpass to live under ? I would still have a home if I take responsibility for my brothers and sisters , and we might or should be able to make it . We all know what a farm is and we would work the land to give us the maximum income . " I told the attorney , " I have the money to make the mortgage payments , fill up the big LP tank , and I think we have enough food stored to get through the winter . Dad taught me about what it costs for the farm , and showed me how much the utilities cost and how he budgeted for them . We will need clothes , and I 'll figure out how to do that , but I think we 're good for a while . I still want to find out why my dad had liquor in his system . He didn 't drink , ever . Mom would have some of her home stuff , but never had anything out of the house . You need to help me find the answer to that . " I went to the cemetery from the attorney 's office , and stood in front of my folks ' tombstone . I asked Dad , " How could this happen , Dad ? We talked about this and we were on the way to making a good profit this year and next if we did exactly as we planned . You had everything in its place , and even planned for emergencies . I 'll do all that , Dad , but I don 't know how to take care of the kids . They 're growing and need clothes for school . Do you think I have enough to do that kind of shopping ? " I stood there in front of my father 's and mother 's grave , and wished I could talk to the dead . I walked back to the pickup and climbed in . I was driving back toward town when I began to pass the Salvation Army store . I had an idea and turned in there . I looked through their clothes and noted they had decent clothes the kids could wear through the winter . There were heavy coats and even some shoes . I wonder . I gathered the three girls back at home , and asked them , " You know that our budget is meager and we have to figure out how to make what we have last . The Savings and Loan isn 't going to give kids money for spring seed , fertilizer , and fuel , but we might have enough to make it work . I stopped at the Salvation Army store to see what kind of clothes they had and thought we might be able to keep clothes on our backs if we were to buy from them . Would you be willing to look ? " Josey , Monique , and June all came to hug me , and Josey said , " I think we would be willing to wear someone else 's hand - me - downs if we can stay together . The boys won 't care as long as they have clothes . Mom taught us girls how to take care of you guys , and even told us that something could happen to her and Dad , so we needed to pay attention and learn . " It was a week later when I was up late for no particular reason . The kids were in bed regretting that summer was almost over and school would be starting . We still had corn to pick , but we were already promised decent money for shelled corn . We would grind the cobs and stalks and spread them over the fields as compost for next year . I had gone outside to get some fresh air as there wasn 't any stirring in the house . I thought I heard something like tires on gravel , and the guineas then began making noise . It was almost one o ' clock in the morning , so this was really strange . I had goose bumps down my back and ran inside , grabbed the Savage lever action , made sure it was full of rounds , and went back outside . I saw the shape of a crew cab pickup slowly coming up the lane . I went from the porch to the side of the pump house and watched what the truck was doing . It turned around and headed back toward where it had come from and stopped . A guy got out of the front passenger side and looked all around . It looked like he had something in his hand but I couldn 't tell what it was . Then two men got out of the rear doors of the crew cab holding rifles . Now I was concerned . That made my mind up , so I aimed at a guy who was moving toward the house and , ' Bang ' , he fell . All the others were moving back toward the truck , so I aimed at the front tire that was nearest to me and fired . ' Bang , the tire deflated and the guys were still trying to climb into the truck . I fired at the guy who climbed into the driver 's seat , ' Bang ' the guy slumped forward . The guy who was behind the driver opened the rear door , and then got out , opened the front door and pulled the driver from the driver 's seat . ' Bang ' , he slumped forward too when he climbed in . With three down there was still at least one remaining and I didn 't remember where he went . I told him , " I think only one . " Knowing what his next question would be , I told him , " I don 't know them , but they wanted to get into the house to kill me and would have killed any of you kids who woke up . That 's why I shot the first one when he was going for the house . " " Let 's stay right here where we can see all around us . I doubt someone will try to get to the truck again . We need to make sure we aren 't illuminated or silhouetted . " We waited but whoever was there didn 't want to make himself known . We watched the horizon and could see the police car 's flashing lights and wondered what the guy would do . He walked out into the middle of the gravel parking area and threw his rifle down . He kneeled with his hands behind his head . I cautioned my brother , " Don 't trust the guy . He could have another gun somewhere and be waiting for us to show ourselves . The cops will be here in a minute . " A police car came roaring up the lane road and slid to a stop with his headlights on the man on his knees . A shot rang out as soon as the Sheriff 's Deputy got out of the car , and the Deputy pitched backward . I noted where the shot came from , realizing there had been five not four , and then saw the guy who had been kneeling reach for his rifle . I aimed and fired , ' Bang ' , he fell over . Chet said , " The shot came from the barn 's hayloft . You can see a shadow move back and forth around the window on the right if you watch . " Another police car was coming up the lane , so I had to do something to occupy the guy in the window . I fired three shots at the shadow in the window and then waited for some return fire . There was a flash from the window , so I aimed a few inches inside to give room for the two by four that framed the window . ' Bang ' , we both heard the moan that told us that the man had been hit . I told Chet , " Stay here and let me check on the Deputy . " I ran for the Deputy , waiting for the shot that could have come to cut me down . I reached the Deputy and couldn 't find any blood , but I found a strong pulse and then the round buried in his vest . The man was just unconscious , not dead . I waved at the Trooper when the State Police car stopped in the driveway behind the Sheriff 's Deputy 's car . He understood , got out of his car , and moved toward me . I told him the Deputy was just knocked out but might need attention . He went back to his car and called for a paramedic and backup . He asked me what had happened when he came back . I told him the entire story of how I had been up late when I realized someone was sneaking up the lane . He understood why I had begun taking the opposition out when I told him what I heard what they wanted to do . I told him to go make sure the other kids were okay so they would go back to bed . The Deputy was coming out of it and asked the Trooper if he had arrested me yet . The Trooper looked at me and asked the Deputy why he should arrest me . The Deputy said , " Because the Sheriff wants him off this property and anything to get the job done is good . " Coming back to me , the Trooper told me the County Sheriff had issued a warrant for attacking possible trespassers . The problem was the warrant was issued at nine PM this evening . The attack began after midnight . The Trooper told me , " Let me talk to the State 's Attorney about this and I 'll make sure no one comes to exercise that warrant . I 'll bet a judge would like to hear about this . " Another State Trooper car came up the lane and parked next to the first Trooper . The two had a long conversation . Another County Sheriff 's car came along with the paramedics in an ambulance . The next to arrive was the County Coroner 's van . The Sheriff 's Deputies wanted the rifle I had used , and even told me to shut up when I asked for a receipt . He kept saying that it was used in the commission of a crime and would be confiscated . The Trooper who had come first told the Deputy he had to give me a receipt and that as far as he was concerned what had happened was self - defense . The Deputy became belligerent and was going to hit the Trooper when the other Trooper told him , " Do that and I 'll arrest you for interfering with an Officer investigating a possible homicide . " This was nuts . Why the big deal about getting us off the land ? Mom and Dad hadn 't been in the ground but a little over a week , and people were fighting over the property . This had been my grandfather 's place before Dad took over farming it . Our grandparents were still alive , but were in a nursing home in town . Dad had told me years ago that the place was legally still theirs , but the property had been willed to him a long time ago . He told me that there was a safe deposit box with enough for the inheritance taxes . I knew the key for the safe deposit box was taped to the underside of the middle drawer on the farm desk . No one needed it until Grandpa passed and the will probated . Grandmother was pretty senile and couldn 't remember any of us kids . She could remember her childhood and her wedding day in detail , but not what she had for breakfast . All we kids visited them a couple times a week , but the only one who really appreciated it was Grandpa . He was the angriest over the autopsy that said Dad was drunk when he died . He knew Dad didn 't drink . No one listened to an old man with a senile wife . I lay down on the kitchen table with the windows open so that I could hear the guineas if someone came up the lane . Josey , the oldest girl who wasn 't quite a year younger than me , woke me up and said , " I have coffee for you . None of us got much sleep last night . We all heard the Sheriff has a warrant for you . Do you think they will come for you ? " " Don 't know , Honey , I hope not . You 'll be eighteen in a few months , so you might have to be the boss around here . You 've learned about the books the same as me , and know we can make it on our own . We know how to farm and we 'll do it . " Josey asked me , " Where is the good - sized insurance policy that Mom and Dad bought to pay off any mortgages they may have on the farm and take care of us kids in the event something happened to them ? I think it 's a single policy that covers both of them and us kids all at the same time . I 'm going to look for it . I wonder if they are in the safe deposit box . " That would help , but it wouldn 't bring our parents back . Josey had a project now . The youngest boy , Jeff came down and leaned his Remington . 22 semi - automatic rifle and a Mossberg . 410 bolt action up against the wall by the door . He smiled at me and said , " I can back you and Chet up now . I know not to get in the way , but I can protect my sisters . " Josey left the room and came back with another Remington . 22 semi - auto rifle . I had forgotten that I had given her my second rifle when I had been given the . 22 Magnum semi - auto for my birthday . She had gone through a couple of bricks of . 22 rounds learning to shoot and was pretty good now . I guess we were a force . The Sheriff himself came about noon and wanted me to come to his offices . I told him that I had to wait until John Smith , my attorney was available . The State Trooper wanted to know why the Sheriff wanted me to come to his office , and the heavy set man said it was none of the Trooper 's business . The Trooper said , " I have orders from the State 's Attorney to not let anyone interfere with these kids , and that includes Kenny . The State Department of Law Enforcement has men who will be here and in your offices , " the Trooper looked at his watch , " Right about now , actually . " The Sheriff turned red , jumped in his car , and spun around on our gravel parking area spraying us and the Trooper 's car with rocks . The Trooper smiled at me and said , " That 's another nail . I wasn 't here last night and replaced the man who was here , but he told me all about a warrant that had been issued before the attack on your land . You kids are lucky to still be okay . " I told the Trooper , " Thanks for watching out for us . Something 's going on with this land that makes someone want it bad enough to kill for it . This is our home , and we 're going to protect and farm it . All we kids are going to stick together and make this work . " We needed to go to the Salvation Army store in town and the bigger city to see if we could find clothes . I wanted to make sure everyone had clean clothes for school that started on Monday . It was then that I began worrying about the kids being away at school and not being protected . I could handle myself here at the house , but even that was a maybe . We were sitting at our picnic table outside having lunch with the State Trooper when a car came up the lane . The car had a sign on it that said , Murray Explorations . Two men got out and came to the picnic table . They introduced themselves and brought out a bunch of papers from a briefcase . The man in charge , George Canning , asked me if I was aware that our farm sat on a very large mineral deposit . I had to say no , but asked , " What kind of mineral deposit ? " The two men were very aggravated , so I told them , " I have to act this way to protect these kids you see here . We are a family and we need to stick together and protect each other . Now go see our attorney so that we can get this settled . " The Trooper was acting funny around the two men , told them to stop and get on their knees with their hands behind their head when they began walking back to their car . The Trooper cuffed both men and then searched them , pulling guns from their waists . He had them lie face down while he called in for assistance . The Trooper called me to the side and said , " Call your attorney and ask him to find a real oil exploration company and see who might be trying to get mineral rights on your property . He said , " I 've called my boss and the State 's Attorney and they are looking into this as we speak . Now go call your lawyer . " John Smith was happy to hear that I hadn 't been picked up on the improper warrant that the Sheriff had . I told him of the two men who came and that the State Trooper arrested them for something and took guns from them . I asked him to find an honest oil exploration company so that we could make a deal for them to drill . John Smith began laughing when I told him that I thought the land was still in Grandpa 's name . He said , " Whoever is targeting you doesn 't know the true ownership . You were named after your grandfather , so they think you 're the owner . " I also told him about the insurance policies that were probably in the safe deposit box . He suggested that at least two of the kids come with him to open the box . He said he could help get the claim presented to the insurance company . Whoever came should have the death certificates . John Smith told me , " I 'm going to bill you regular attorney fees , but at half my regular rate . I 'll probably do this whole thing pro - bono just to make myself feel good . Get someone in here right away and I 'll look up an oil exploration company and run across the street to get a copy of the deed for that property . " I called all the kids to me and said to them , " Josey and Chet are going to take Mom 's Suburban to town with the safe deposit box key and meet the lawyer . Get the insurance policies out of there and make note of what is still in the box . The attorney is going to help us file the claim . " John called before Josey could have reached town , " I have just the company to help you . They are the people who found oil on my dad 's place . I 'm sure you remember the Smith discovery about fifteen years ago . " " Well , Son , I had your father and mother use my lawyer to make a deal that will make a lot of sense for taxes before they were killed . I sold you all my land and assets for a rather ridiculous price , but it was within the IRS guidelines . Your dad and I wanted you and your siblings to have the farm and a part of me . The place would also be a part of your father too , and is . You were the obvious person to be the owner or manager because you would welcome each and every family member to your home as often as possible . " " What I 'm trying to tell you is the property was put in your name two years ago , Kenny . Your grandmother and I , when she was lucid , agreed that we should sell it to you in order to keep the property in the family so that your mom and dad could continue to farm it , and we also knew that you would continue to farm it with your dad . You will be doing all the farming now . You and your brothers , that is . Your folks taught you and Josey all about the business side of the farm as well as how to grow crops and feed yourselves . " The old man told me , " Your mom and dad wanted you to be eighteen before they told you , and it just didn 't get done before they died . It 's partly my fault because it 's difficult for me to travel , and I don 't like to be away from your grandmother . " He paused a minute , " It 's probably safer for me here than coming out to the place , Kenny , and since you and I have the exact same name , some people will think I still own the farm . " Grandpa said , " There is more to the property than what you 're farming . Your dad always wanted to clear that entire valley next to the farm , but I loved how the animals grazed in that big meadow and how all the wildlife seemed to concentrate down there . That hundred and fifty acres are ours too , and probably where the oil 's at . A couple of exploration companies wanted to do some drilling there before , but I just couldn 't stand to chase all the wildlife away . I want you to build a good road to get back there and then clear only what they will use for their rig . You boys can do that . I want you to do that now because you need to pay off all the debts and have some income . You 'll get your folks ' insurance money and that 'll keep you kids until the oil money begins to come in . I 'll write Josey a check to tide you kids over if you 're running short right now . You know that I 'm still fixed pretty well , don 't you ? " " I didn 't know , Grandpa . I was trying to think how we could keep you two where you are because you 're comfortable . Okay , Grandpa , we have enough cash for most stuff right now , and I think enough to get us through next spring 's planting . The steers we have will feed us and we can sell one for some cash and for another calf . We 're farmers , Grandpa , and have canned goods for the winter and meat for the freezer . " I wanted to tell him that we wanted him to come live with us if and when grandma passes . He didn 't need to be reminded that his wife of the last fifty plus years wouldn 't be around much longer . We had the room and food . He was mobile enough to wander around the outbuildings and barn , and could even help me out with his knowledge and advice . Josey got on the phone and said , " We 're going to stop at the grocery store for a couple of things and be home in about an hour . Chet went to see Grandma and says she 's really out of it today . She 's looking pretty frail . Grandpa is putting some weight back on , so he 's looking good . We 'll see you in a bit . " Monique , June , and Jeff looked at me to tell them what that conversation meant . I explained to them , " Some of what we were worried about was taken care of , and we have a chance to possibly have oil down in the valley that we thought was owned by someone else . I now found out that it 's part of our farm , and that Grandpa and Dad already put the farm in my name . We own the farm . I 'll bet Uncle Seth doesn 't realize that yet . Grandpa helped him get his place , but he doesn 't farm his own land . He 's always making some kind of deals in town or the city . I think he thought that he could just take over the farm , expecting that it either still belonged to Grandpa or that Dad had it heavily mortgaged . It does have a farmer 's mortgage for seed , fertilizer , equipment , and fuel , but that will be paid off when we get the money from the winter wheat , oats , and finish with the corn . " The ringing phone startled me . It was John Smith , " Hey , Kenny , some good news . I talked to the claims adjuster for your parents ' insurance policies , and he says that he thought the company would issue a check within a week since you 're the named beneficiary . There was double indemnity on both their policies , so the face value is doubled . You kids should be fine now . And if any oil money comes in , you will be in good shape . There 's something strange on the deed to your property , though . It shows the property was transferred from Kenneth Jeffery Shultz to Kenneth Jeffery Shultz for a price of one dollar an acre this past year . What do you know about that ? " " That 's amazing , Kenny . It looks like everything will fall in place for you and the kids . One more hurdle though . The Children and Family people were alerted by your Uncle Seth , and they might want to put the kids into a home or foster care . You should be able to have custody of them since you 've reached the age of majority . Call me so I can be there with you when they come . They can get pushy sometimes . Make sure the refrigerator , freezer , and cupboards are full , and the house is clean and neat . It will show them that you kids can be on your own if you guys put on a good show . " Josey and Chet came in and said she saw Uncle Seth 's pickup at the Sheriff 's office . That wasn 't good . She said she should tell the State Trooper who had replaced the one that had been there . We boys did the few evening chores we had while the girls fixed supper . The girls made sure they made enough to invite the Trooper in to join us . He couldn 't get over how the girls could cook so well and how well we ate . I had to remind him that we were farmers and know how to create food . Most city people don 't understand that . Josey told the Trooper that she had seen our uncle 's pickup parked in front of the Sheriff 's office and that could mean they were planning something . The Trooper said , " The Commander said we would be here for a few more days because the State Law Enforcement Investigators said they might have evidence of some local problems . They think you kids might need protection . Another man will be here in a while , and I won 't leave until he 's here . We 're only doing four hour shifts out here so that none of us get too bored and inattentive . " I sat at the desk where the farm 's PC was and thought about the kids that evening when I thought everyone had gone to bed . I was eighteen , Josey was seventeen , Chet was sixteen , Monique was fifteen , June fourteen , and Jeff was thirteen . Jeff was big for his age and looked as old as Chet , but he was still a clown and a true kid . He worked hard doing his part of the field work , but then the girls also all worked in the fields when they were needed . It 's funny how you don 't ever look at your sisters as females the way you should . We never really thought of them as girls but as fellow workers because they worked with us , Josey was a knockout and had dates during the school year , but she liked to be around home during the summer . The other two girls were becoming interested in boys , but nothing serious yet . All the kids could drive the tractors and trucks . Monique and June now had their farmer 's dawn to dusk license . Monique would be getting her regular license soon . She needed to take driver 's education this fall . That reminded me that our trucks and car insurance policies might go up without older drivers on them . I wouldn 't tell them and we wouldn 't change vehicles in order not to remind anyone of the change . I booted the PC and looked up the price of crude oil . That was confusing . There were too many types of oil and who knows what kind would be under our farm . If we had the same as West Texas Crude , the current price was just under fifty dollars a barrel . How much oil could an oil well in this area pump a day ? Everything was priced by the barrel . How many gallons were in a barrel ? I Googled that question to find out that a barrel of oil was forty two gallons . I then checked how big the tanker trucks that collected the oil were and found out they were limited to eighty - four hundred gallons , or two hundred barrels . Well , as long as someone pays us for it , it would help with the household costs and buy the kids some clothes . I 'm sure Jeff probably needed clothes since he 's been growing so much . He probably needed shoes too . The girls were all about the same size except in the chest . Josey wasn 't that busty , but Monique received grandma 's genes and had some big ones . It looked like June was going to be big too . Josey was still the best looking , even without a big chest . It was always neat to check them out when we did some skinny - dipping in the little river fed by the spring . I loved the way their nipples would pop out when they went into the cool spring water . The water was almost too cold to swim in close to the spring . I needed to be hunting for a wife one of these days . A lot of guys were going off to college , but I never wanted to leave and had planned on working on the farm with Dad all winter . I would still work the farm , but I would be doing it alone . Those damn tears were coming back . Was I crying for the loss , or feeling sorry for myself ? Was I crying because I was so overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of the kids ? Tears weren 't going to help , and I needed to get over this and be strong for the kids . A hand lay on my shoulder . It felt the way mom used to put her hand on my shoulder when I was focusing on something , but I knew it wasn 't her . Josey turned me around and sat on my lap . She told me , " We 'll make this work . We 'll take care of the kids and make sure they become good adults . Mom and Dad taught us what good people did and didn 't do , and we 'll teach them . Meanwhile , you need to be checking the available women around here out to find one for yourself . You 're probably too young to get married yet , but you should be looking . " I laughed because we always joked with each other that Josey would be an old maid and I would be a confirmed bachelor . Josey said , " People will start thinking that there is something going on between us if we don 't begin to date more . That would be fun , but we should find someone outside the family . " Josey smacked me on the shoulder , and said , " You better not hook up with that one . She 's been too wild and will probably stay that way . Her sister Judy is your age and she 's sweet , but she 's still a first cousin and I don 't think you 're supposed to marry a first cousin . Don 't be a dolt ; go to some of the dances in town . You 're not old enough to drink anything but beer , and you don 't drink anyway . Trust me , the girls will be interested when they begin seeing you out on a Friday or Saturday night . I know how the girls used to always ask about my handsome brother . " " Get out of here . I see myself in the mirror . I 'm not the slick looking guy like a lot of the town guys I was in school with . " " Yeah , Kenny , but your rugged good looks and how courteous and the way you 're soft - spoken are winning traits to attract a woman . Just be yourself , and you 'll get a lot of attention . If you need someone to teach you how to act , I 'll do it . I 'll teach you how to kiss and all that stuff . I don 't know everything , but Mom instructed me about most everything a boy and girl do . I always promised her I 'd wait until I was eighteen to take that last step , and I will . Did she make you promise ? " I blushed and told Josey , " It was embarrassing to hear Mom talking about that stuff . She sure didn 't mind . She kept asking me how I thought her and Dad ended up with six kids , each one not a year apart . She said she had the doctor fix her so that she could still make love with Dad but not have more babies . She would always make me blush . " " You are so sweet , Kenny . I wish you weren 't my brother . You wouldn 't have to worry about looking for a wife . I would drag you off to the preacher . " As I checked the back door and shut the lights off , Josey asked , " Who do you think is in your bed tonight ? Monique and June have been alternating , trying to feel comfortable about our lives . They began sleeping with you after they realized that I used to come in and snuggle with you a few times a week . I still do when you 're bed is empty . You need a bigger bed so all us girls can snuggle with you . " I always had to remember not to hug a sister in the morning so that I wasn 't poking them . These girls knew what that was , but they also knew that they were safe with us boys . Monique and Chet were a worry sometimes because she would get all moony - eyed over Chet , and I know they did some touching and stuff . Josey knew it too , and sort of kept a watch on them . This family is a mess . My bed was empty , but not for long . Josey came in and curled around me to snuggle even though it had to be nearly 80 degrees inside . My sister kissed me on the cheek , turned my head , and then kissed me on the lips . She snuggled , sighed , and fell asleep . I did the same .

I am so happy today . I am Keisha , the dog . It is Gnu Ears Eve ! : ) Today , all the good hoomins and critters of the world get a visit from the Happy Gnu , who delivers fake ears to them , so they can hear lots of stuff . : ) I hope u get them ! Mom said I was a little bit agimatated today . That means I got nervous and ran around the house a lot . I calmed down later , after Dad took me for a walk . D . R . pet me a lot , today and yesterday . That was good . Mom and Dad did , too . I felt warm and happy . : ) It 's going to be a different year tomorrow ! Where are they going to put the old one ? They will need a lot of room . I bet that 's why they send rockets to outer space . Okay , please tell your hoomin friends to be very careful if they have a lot of drinky drinks tonight . They can take a bus or taxi cab home . That way , they will be safe . : ) Happy New Year of 2013 , everyone ! : ) O hai . My name is Keisha . In this picture , you can see the fountain at D . R . 's office building . It is really pretty ! Another company is buying the building soon , though , and D . R . 's company will have to move out , to another place . Awww shucks . Anyway , let 's think about good stuffs instead . Today , something happened that was very good ! I ate three big pieces of a burger that D . R . shared with me . She broke off little pieces of the burger . It was yummy . It had bread and ketchup and mayo . Mmmmmm ! I liked it a lot . Thank u , hoomin friend . : ) My Dad took me for lots of walkies today . Thank u , Dad . : ) Mom will be home from her trip later tonight . That is another good thing ! : ) I miss Mom . I wish I could go with her , but I am too o - l - d to go in the car much anymore . So I will be extra glad when she comes home tonight . D . R . is kinda Sad because there is no hockey on the teevee . This time of year , there are usually NHL games to watch , but there is a problem because there are no contracts or something . D . R . is watching more movies now , plus reading more . Sometimes I go in her room and she pets me . So that part of it is okay . I sat on the couch with Dad a lot , the past two days . We watched teevee . Also , I went to sleep early . I like for all my hoomins to be home at the same time , so whenever someone is out , I get a little confoozed . It was fun to watch teevee with Dad . He didn 't want to watch Animal Planet , though , just a lot of scary shows . I like giraffes better . : ) It is almost winter ! It is very cold where we live . I 'm glad I still have my long furs for now . Plz remind your hoomin friends to put on their coats and gloves if they have to go out . Okay , I see u later . Thanks ! { { { Luv } } } Have a fun Caturday . : ) O hai ! This is Keisha . Thank u for reading mah blog . : ) U can see baby ducks in the picture . They do not live near us , but they are cute . : ) Today is Wins Day . : ) D . R . went back to work . I stayed at home with Dad . I slept a lot , and then I watched Dad play games on his compooter . Mom went to see Aunt Mary . She 'll be out for three days . That 's a lot , almost elebenty . I miss Mom . I want her to come home right now . She can bring Aunt Mary too . : ) Santa brought us lots of nice stuff for Crispmouse . D . R . got some gift cards , Mom got a music CD and Dad got books . I 'm glad Santa 's reindeer can go so fast . : ) D . R . had some chicken with noodles and sauce for dinner . She gave me just a little bit . Mmmm , it was good ! : ) I like chicken . Tonight , I watched teevee with Dad . It was okay . I wish we could have watched Animal Planet . They have a show called ' Too Cute . ' It has puppies and kittens . It is really good ! It will make you feel happy . : ) It is almost Gnu Ears . That means we all get to make wishes ! : ) I will think of a good wish . I know D . R . wants to adopt two kittehs . She says when she gets a house or apartment , it will be really pretty . I would like to visit the kittehs . : ) I want to thank everyone for all your wonderful purrs and words of luv , after I got into a fight with that bad dog the other day . I have not seen that dog since . Also , I feel okay , no aches , bleeding or other bad stuff . Everything is back to normal . My Dad has taken me for a few walks since then , and he is careful to pick a place to walk where there is nothing bad around me . It works . : ) U know what ? D . R . saw a dog get adopted today . Yay ! ! : ) She went to the animal shelter to drop off some food and litter for the cats and dogs . When she was done with that , she noticed there was a dog next to the person behind the front desk . Another person was on the other side of the desk . D . R . asked that lady what was the name of the dog . She said Bear . D . R . said , " Did you adopt him ? " and the lady said yes ! She just adopted Bear the dog today . She walked in and knew right away she wanted to keep him . D . R . said , " Congratulations . " Adoption is a very kind thing to do . It saves lives . : ) I woke up D . R . at 4 : 30 this morning . She was asleep . She looked around , then she saw me . I went back outside , and D . R . had some breakfast , while I went for a walk with Dad . D . R . went back to sleep . She has had the floo for a few days , so she was feeling all icky and bad on Fries Day . D . R . got some more rest today . She told me she felt a little better every day . I hope she is all spiffy by Monday , because that is Crispmouse Eve . We have to be ready for Santa ! : ) O hai . My name Keisha . Hello and welcome to my blog . : ) I put this picture of somebody else 's kitteh , which I saw on the Interwebs . It is almost Crispmouse , and kitteh reminds us of that . : ) I has a Bad News . Today , my Dad was taking me for a walk . We went over toward some houses on another block . There was a big black dog tied up on someone 's lawn . This dog looked at me . I didn 't do anything . The dog ran down to the end of his line and grabbed me on the head . He shook me . I went yip yip yip . At last he let go . Dad let go of my leash , and I ran all the way back to our house . Then Dad caught up with me , and let me in . I was so glad to be home . : ( I am okay now . I am not bleeding or anything . I do not have any cuts or broken bones . Dad said my long furs helped protect me . : ) Also , they did not call the police or anything . So we do not have to go to court . But , I was very scared , and Mom and D . R . were also scared when they heard . At least I am safe now . : ) { { { happy } } } In other stuff that happened , D . R . was really sick today , and she stayed home from work . She slept most of the day . Then she had baked fish for dinner . She gave me a couple little pieces ! I ate them up . They were really good . : ) Don 't be worried about me . I am okay now . Dad is not going to walk me in that place anymore . : ) I will be okay . I hope everyone has a good Crispmouse . See you soon ! Thanks . { { { Luv } } } My hoomin friend , D . R . , is still sick . She went to work , but she coughed a lot . She had to take medicine , and she drank a lot of water . When she came home , she was tired , but she said it was a little better than yesterday . : ) There is moar news . is D . R . 's Aunt Mary had a visit to Sir Jerry today , at the horsey - tail , but she is resting after it is all done . She had ouchies from the effects . They told her to sleep a lot . It only took them two hours to finish the opera - station . I hope she goes home , cuddles with a teddy bear and has lots of ice cream . D . R . says ice cream cures anything . I bet that is true . : ) Mom called a bunch of people on the phone , after she heard that Aunt Mary was out of the Sir Jerry place . The phone went beep , beep , beep . I wonder why ? I would like to use the phone someday . I could call somebody . : ) D . R . is going coff - coff - coff a lot . I think I will go and bump my nose into her foot . That will make her feel better . : ) Okay , I see u later . { { { Luv } } } O hai ! I am Keisha . This is mah blog . Welcome to it . : ) U can see , in the picture , a Christmas tree they have at D . R . 's work place . Their whole front courtyard in the building is filled with trees . This is just one of them . It is pretty . : ) D . R . had a cold this weekend . She didn 't really get to go anywhere . She just took medicine and went to sleep . Also , she did eat a little tiny bit . Just a couple small cheese sandwiches , and some noodles . She gave me a little bread from the sandwiches . : ) Her nose was bad , and she coughed a lot , and at night she had to get up because her tummy was sick . On Sundae morning , she didn 't get to go to church , because she was still sick . Too bad . : ( But she slept a lot , and that helped . She also had some tea . I got petted a lot on Sundae . I watched teevee with Mom a little , and I went for some walks with Mom and Dad . I also slept a lot on the floor . Sometimes it 's a good place to stretch out . : ) Fries Day O hai . My name is Keisha . Welcome to mah dog blog . U can see , in the piksher , a couple things with noms , that people were going to eat at D . R . 's office . The thing on the left has popcorn , and the other one is cookies . D . R . brought home a lot of cookies ! : ) There was a Big Sad thing in Connecticut today . D . R . heard about it on the News . I saw the story too , when I watched teevee with my Mom and Dad . A lot of people got hurt and died . Rest in peace . { { { Love } } } Mom made fish and shrimp tonight . D . R . made soup . Oh boy , did the house smell good ! : ) Mom also got a small imitation tree out of storage , and lights for it , so tomorrow , we can put up a Crispmouse tree ! : ) Yay ! : ) My friend the dog Chicco lives in Italy . It snowed by his house ! U should go see his blog . He has funny pictures , and he is really cute . : ) { { { Chicco } } } It is going to be Crispmouse soon . D . R . is going to put together some stuff tomorrow , and bring it to a nice place that is collecting things for hoomins in need . They had a story in the paper , and D . R . knows where that place is on the highway . I bet she feels really good after , because it is nice to help others . : ) Okay , I am going to rest , and D . R . is going to play vidyo games . She has a bit of a cold . I hope she eats the rest of her soup tomorrow , and maybe I can have some too . : ) See u later ! Thanks . { { { Luv } } } In the picture above , u can see me . The light isn 't good , because it was very early in the morning , and Mom only put on one lamp at the food table . U can 't see Mom , but I am there . : ) I got lots of pettings yesterday . That was good . Also , I cleaned my paws . D . R . went to sleep really early , and she sleeped a lot of hours . Sometimes we all get nap attacks . I took a nap on the carpet by the front door . That 's a pretty good spot . : ) Yesterday , D . R . had a fish sammich and some spaghetti - o 's . Those are o - shaped noodles with sauce . I didn 't get noodles , because they were too hot . I did get a little bit of fish . It was good ! : ) Today , I went in D . R . 's room when she was watching teevee . I tapped her with my snoot . She pet me ! : ) I liked it . Then I went to see what Mom was doing . She was going to the door , so I asked her to take me for a little walk . And she did . : ) Thanks , Mom . I saw a bug . I don 't think he was alive anymore . His feets were upside down . It 's too bad we don 't have a frog , because he could get all the bugs . : ) D . R . saw lots of tiny lizards at work . They were running in and out of the bushes . D . R . likes to take a walk when she is on break time . That 's when she saw all the lizards . We have them outside our house , too . They can even run on the wall . Wow . I can 't do that . I like to sit on the floor . : ) O hai ! My name is Keisha . Thank u so much for reading mah little blog . : ) Guess what ? My friend the dog Cotton gave me a new awardie . Thank u , Cotton . It is neat ! { { { Cotton } } } I was sleepy today . When my Dad got up to turn on the water sprinklers , I slept right through it . The blankie next to the bed was very thick , and I felt good just staying in Dreamland . Then , I finally woke up . Dad took me for a walk outside . When we came back , I sat on the carpet and rested on my paws . : ) Before D . R . went to work , she pet me . That was good . : ) I am very fuzzy and it made my furs feel warm and ripply . : ) U know what ? The other day , I got skeered . D . R . had a new stuffed Spider Man . She had him there because he looked cute on her desk . She invited me to sniff him , and I got all nervous , and backed up . Zoiks . I think I will not be skeered if D . R . puts him by the compooter , though . I has a news ! My friend Prancer Pie said I could have a new star . So , I have four now . Yipee ! Thank u , Prancer Pie . I very happy . : ) ( Please go here if you want to read the rules , at the Thought Palette website . ) D . R . got home from work on Fries Day , and she pet me . That was really good . Dad was taking a nap . I walked around a little , and then I went to sit in the living room . After that , Dad woke up . I went to sniff him . He was okay . : ) I feel good when I do my job as a sekoority guard . Today is Caturday . My Mom went out , and when she came home , she started to make a sandwich for lunch . It was fun to watch her . That is like going to the movies for me . : ) Mom made a burger for Dad . Mmm , it smells good ! I am going to ask if I can have some . : ) I see u later . Thanks ! { { { Luv } } } I did a thing the other day . I had a p - o - o - p on the rug again . Dad says I have a Thing that happens , because I am o - l - d . Because of the Thing , I have to take medicine so I don 't get the Dy Rea as much , but it still comes back sometimes . D . R . had a Worried . She came home and she pet me . I was all right by then . Today was pretty good too , no attacks this time . I am glad . Whew . : ) The good thing about it is , Mom puts the medicine in cake . I like cake ! : ) D . R . went for a walk today during her break at work . She saw pretty heron birdees at the pond next to the building ! She took pikshers of them . One was a little bebeh , the other was a big grown - up . U can see them here . : ) It is almost time for Crispmouse . I bet Dad puts on the radio . He likes to do that at Crispmouse - time . There are lots of songs about Santy Paws . I am going to stay up Crispmouse Eve and see if I can spot the reindeer . Bet I get extra prezints that way ! : ) We don 't have a chimney , so I don 't know how Santa is going to get into our house . I hope they give the reindeer a key . I read this story , and I got kind of skeered . It 's about a vampire ! : ( D . R . got bit by something during the summer . It made her leg itch really bad . Maybe it was a moskeeto , but maybe it was a vampire . Oh noes , is D . R . going to turn into a bat ? Do I have to ask Mom to get the garlic out of the fridge ? But D . R . goes out during the daytime and she doesn 't burn up , so maybe she is all right . I hope so . Okay , I am going to watch teevee with Mom now . I see u later . Thanks . { { { Luv } } } O hai ! My name is Keisha and u are reading mah blog . Thank u ! : ) I glad . Did u see , up there ? I have my third star . The nice kittehs at Kwee Cats and Life said I could have one , so I took it . The rules for the Blog of the Year are at Thought Palette . Squee ! Thank u . :) { { { Luv } } } Today was good ! I did a lot of things . : ) I went for my first walkies of the day , with Dad , early in the morning . The sun wasn 't even up . We came home , and I went to sleep on the edge of the carpet , in the front room . I figured Dad would get some food later , and I 'd be there to see it . And he did ! : ) Dad has a room where he works on his compooter . It has a thing for the screen , which has pictures and sounds of fishies in the ocean . Wow . : ) I heard the noise of the water , and I thought it was real . I went in there to see . The pictures were very colorful . I wanted to run on the beach , but it was just on the compooter screen . I sniffed things in D . R . 's room , too . This time , I didn 't knock over anything . I walked in and out a couple times , and then I went back to the living room . After that , I went to sleep in Dad 's room . The blankie there is good for my tummy . I heard some dogs barking before . Also , I heard a guy on a go - kart . I didn 't bark , because it was late . Things were okay after that . Okay , now I am going to sit on the blankie and get some sleep . I see u later . Bye ! : ) . { { { luv } } } O hai ! My name is Keisha . I am a dog . Thank u for reading mah blog . : ) I have more good news . I got a second star for my blog , from Cotton the Dog . Thank u ! { { { Cotton } } } U can see the rules at the Thought Palette site as well . : ) I is very happy . U know what ? D . R . had fettucine alfredo for dinner tonight . That is noodles with creamy sauce on them . Oh boy , was it good ! D . R . gave me some little pieces . They were hot , but I nommed them up . I really liked the sauce . : ) Mom said I had lots of energy today . I ran around a lot , and got to go for lots of walkies . It is good to get exercise . I think I will borrow Mom 's barbells . Yesterday , I went into D . R . 's room , and I sniffed a pile of books that was next to the bed . Then they fell over . Oops ! I didn 't want it to , honest . I ran backwards , and I didn 't get hit by anything . D . R . put them back in place . Next time , I will ask to read one first . Dad took me for another walkies tonight . It was a little cold out there . It will be Crispmouse in a few weeks ! That means Santa Paws will be here soon . I hope he feeds his reindeer , so they can fly really fast . Also they have to have one of those compooter tracking things , like Dad has in the car . They tell you when to turn and stuff . I has super good news ! I got an awardie . U can see it up there . It is called Blog of the Year , and it was given to me by the nice Shubunkin fishie Dawn , who was best friends with Diamond Cat . Diamond is in Heaven now . { { { Diamond } } } Okay ! I will tell u some of the awesome blogs I like to read , so u can visit them too . I am giving them this awardie too ! Yay . : ) If anyone else would like the awardie , plz go to the Thought Palette link and it will tell u how to get it . I love all my friends and all their websites are awesome . { { { thank u } } } I has some nooz . The past couple days , I have did p - o - o - p in the house two times . Mom and Dad cleaned it up , and they weren 't mad , they just made sure I was okay . : ) Also , I had to run outside early this morning . Dad came with me . I took a walk , and then we came back . I was okay after that . D . R . had fish for dinner tonight . It smelled good . I went up to her while she was eating , but then I heard something in the kitchen , and went to check that out . Maybe next time , I 'll have some fish . And she had rice , too . Mmmmmm . : ) Mom gives me chicken and rice now , to help me not get the Dy Rea so much . She also gives me medicine , tucked into a piece of cake . Mmmm , cake ! It 's so good , I don 't even notice the medicine . D . R . says she wishes her medicine was like that too . : ) There is finally some hockey on the teevee again ! D . R . was happy ' cause there was a college hockey game . She wants the NHL league to be playing again , but this is good until then . There was another dog outside tonight . I barked at him a little . That was all . Then I went home . There are lots of dogs around here these days . I like that , because it makes it more fun to go walkies . Santy Paws is going to be here soon ! We are supposed to leave cookies for him . I think I will nom the cookies first , though . I will put some for Santa and some for me Okay , I am going to sit on the blankie now . I see u later . Thanks . ( ( ( Luv ) ) ) Yesterday , I had a thing . I was sick in my tummy , and I throo up . Mom and Dad cleaned it up , and they pet me and cuddled me . That made me feel better . I had to lie down for a while . I was okay today . No more throw - ups for now . : ) It was cloudy and cold today . It is getting close to winter , where we live . We don 't get snow , but it can get cold . I am glad I have long furs right now . : ) My hoomin friends have to wear jackets . D . R . had popcorn on Toes Day . I got to have some ! Yay ! : ) She threw a couple of pieces on the floor , and I ran and grabbed them up . Nom nom nom . I ate them . Wow , they were good . : ) D . R . said she had a bo - ring day at work today , because the compooters kept having problems . The screen would freeze , and this bad stuff full of numbers would come up . The server was down , which means there was another compooter they were supposed to connect do , that wasn 't working . They fixed it later . Also , D . R . was skeered at the beginning of the day , because one of the drawers of her desk got stuck , and she thought that meant she was fired . ( Sometimes they lock your desk before they tell you to leave . ) But it was okay , she was not fired . The drawer was just stuck . She pulled it and it opened . Whew . I took my Dad for a walk early this morning . It was so early , you couldn 't even see the sun . Then we came back . I saw a duck in the lake after that . He was swimming pretty fast . : ) Mom went to the kitchen , and I followed her while she did stuff . I like to watch whenever my hoomin friends cook something or get things out of the magic food box . You never know when there might be some bacon coming up . : ) D . R . had a Sad before , because the NHL hockey league is not playing right now . They were supposed to start the season a few weeks ago . There is a dispoot about green papers and stuff . D . R . does not like that . Me neither , because I like to watch teevee with D . R . , and if there are no games to watch , I get fewer chances for tummy pats . I want tummy pats . ( plz Santa ) : ) Today , I went up to D . R . when she was getting some cheese crackers for herself . She gave me some ! Mmmm , they were good . : ) I also got a little of the fish sandwich she had for dinner . Mmmmm . : ) I went for a lot of walks on Sundae . They were good . It 's getting a little cold where we live . My furs are long , though , so I wasn 't too bad . : ) I saw a lot of other dogs . I didn 't go meet them , just kind of nodded hello . : ) I took a lot of naps on the couch this weekend . The couch is nice and flat , plus it smells like me , because I have lived here a long time . It 's good to dig in with your tummy by wiggling until there is a nice round place for you . That is warm and good . : ) Also , I like to put my head or paws on a pillow , just like hoomins do . : ) My Mom was watching a show . It was on the OWN channel , which belongs to Oprah Winfrey . Oprah gave away a lot of stuff to her audience . Wow ! That looks like fun . : ) I also went into D . R . 's room . I sniffed the books . They were okay . D . R . was playing a vidyo game . I watched for a little while . I didn 't want to play , though . I went back in the living room . : ) D . R . was worried about the bimple that is above my left eye . It doesn 't hurt , though . It is just next to my eyelid . Dad cleans my face with a cloth sometimes . That feels cool on my skin . : ) D . R pet me and gave me a hug . That made me feel really good . : ) Crispmouse is coming in just a few weeks ! : ) I hope everyone gets a visit from Santa . Also , my Dad put the lights in front of our house . I will try to get a picture later . : ) I luv everybuddy . { { { Luv } } } Hugs to all ! Bye for now . Thanks . : ) Today is Caturday . I took lots of naps yesterday . I was very tired after the fun Thanksgiving party on Thursday , I needed a whole day to rest from it . : ) It was so much fun ! D . R . 's aunt and uncle came to visit , and her cousin , and his little daughter . The kid chased me around a lot , which was okay , except I needed to drink a lot of water after that . Hee hee . But I was fine . I also got lots of little bits of turkee ! Mmmmm , they were so good . They even had gravy . : ) I went in D . R . 's room yesterday , and she gave me the last milk from her cereal . It was good ! I drank it like a kitten . : ) Then today , D . R . sat on the couch and pet me . I turned over on my side , so she could pet my tummy . That was good . : ) Also , she opened a book and let me read a little . Wow ! It was fun . D . R . likes to read a lot . I liked the book too . : ) In the U - S - A , today is Small Business Saturday . They are having lots of sales at local stores , so people can support them . D . R . went out and had lunch at a nice little place that made her a big fish sandwich , shopped at a local food market , and also went to a thrift store . She got some good stuff for Crispmouse , and she was happy to help the stores around here . : ) I went outside with Mom before . Then we came back , and I drank a lot of water . I jumped on the couch to go to sleep . Caturday naps are good . : ) I want to wish all the critters and hoomins in the U - S - A and the whole weruld a very Happy Thanksgiving . That is a holiday where we eat lots of turkee , corms and other stuff . We also watch teevee , hang out with our famblies , talk a lot and get ready to go shopping for Crispmouse . I think I am just going to stay home . D . R . says there will be a lot of food , and I think I will be lucky to sneak under the table and get extra turkee and corms . : ) Please also think about giving a little gifty to ur local shelters for hoomins and animals . It can be a few green papers , or a towel , or a shirt , or boxes of noms . Just a little bit will help them a lot . And u will have a big Happy on the inside . : ) Also , all my critter friends , please tell ur hoomins something . Don 't let them give u chocolate , or raisins , or onions . They are bad for ur tummy , even if they smell good . If they have lots of hoomins come to visit the house , please ask them to put the dishes with the noms where u can 't reach it . Trust me , it 's better for a person to give u the good noms , like pretzels or cheese , by hand . : ) Also , u can get more pettings and luvs . : ) Critters should stay inside . That way , they have plenty of time for sitting on the carpet . Okay , I going to sit wif Mom and watch teevee . I see u later . Thanks ! { { { Luv } } } In the picture up there , u can see a special train that went through the mall in Palm Harbor . My friend D . R . saw the choo - choo train when she went there on Caturday . It was fun ! It made real sounds and it had a whistle , too . : ) Today is Toes Day . Usually I get up early , but this time I just slept in . I didn 't get up until I heard Dad start to make breakfast . Then I went to D . R . 's room to check if she was okay . She was fine , so I went back out to look for some food . Then , Dad took me out for my first walk of the day . All in all , it was a pretty good morning . : ) Guess what ? D . R . went to the mall in Palm Harbor , and she saw Santy Claus ! Santy Claus was there ! ! : ) D . R . didn 't get to ask him for anything , because there were a lot of kids waiting to see him . So , D . R . went to a nice candy store and got some candy , and then she went home . That was good . : ) My Crispmouse wish is for all the critters and hoomins who need good homes to get them . Amen . : ) Guess what was also at the mall ? A little ice skating rink ! : ) D . R . didn 't go skating this time , but she loves to ice skate , and she said she may go next time . I wish I could go , too . : ) Mom got some food out of the magic food box in the kitchen . I went to see her . Then she went to sit on the couch , and I sat next to there . Mom watched the teevee , and I just rested . Caturday is a good day to take it easy . : ) My hair is getting fuzzy . Dad said I can keep it that way until winter is over . That 's good , I will need fuzzy hair to keep me warm on walkies . : ) Yesterday , I got up early , and Dad gave me breakfast . It was good . Then I sat next to him when he watched teevee . He put on the news . The news is confusing to me . They talk too fast , plus there are too many numbers on the screen . I just watch to see the weather . That part is okay . : ) When D . R . came home from work , she had dinner . She ate some chicken tenders . Mmm , they were good , because I got some ! : ) D . R . cut a few small pieces and put them on the floor . I went over and nommed them up . Yum , yum . : ) I went in D . R . 's room to sniff the furniture . I like that a lot . When I was there , I rubbed under her feets , and she pet me . That was good . : ) On Wins Day , we saw a lot of dogs walking with their hoomins . There were four dogs who belong to the people next door . Four ! : ) I was very happy when I saw them . I wanted to go say hi , because they were on the other side of the street . I pulled on the leash a little . Dad said no , and he just waved to the hoomin guy who was with the dogs . I hope I meet them again . : ) Today is funny . My friend D . R . woke up early . She had to go to the doctor after work . She did okay . The doctor said everything was good . I was Happy when I found out . : ) Then we had some news that is Not Happy . : ( D . R . 's Auntie had a test on a boo - boo in her chest , and just like they thought , it really is the letter - C disease . This means her Auntie has to have an operation to get it out . I has my paws crossed that the doctor will do a good job and all the letter - C bidness will be gone soon . { { { hug } } } U know what happened the other day ? I got cookie ! I got cookie ! : ) When D . R . was eating a cookie , she ate the chocolate cream in the middle , and she gave me the vanilla part from the top and bottom . Yay ! It was good . She gave me four little pieces . Mmmmm , I nommed them up good ! Cookies are tasty . : ) D . R . says she saw Mr . Frog again , inside the newspaper machine at the place where she works . She tapped him to try to make him leave the coin return space , but he hit her twice with his little front feets . Slap slap ! He didn 't want to leave the space , so D . R . let him stay there . She said if he 's there next time , maybe she will try again . D . R . said maybe Mr . Frog went in the machine to look for a dead bug , because frogs think those are tasty . I don 't think so . I did eat a couple things from the lawn once , and they made my tummy bad . I just stick to snacks now . : ) O hai ! My name is Keisha . I am a little dog . Thank u for reading mah blog . Today is good . I got up early , and went for walkies with Dad . We had a fun time , and I was happy to go see the sunshine . It is a little warmer than it was yesterday . : ) When we came back , my hoomins had breakfast , and I sat and watched . D . R . gave me a little cereal , and when she was almost done , she put the bowl on the floor . I had the last of the milk ! Mmmm , that was good . : ) Me wants to wish a Happy Veterans Day to all the veterans and support personnel who served the country . { { { Hug } } } D . R . has to go to work tomorrow . It is a holiday for most people . Too bad she doesn 't get a day off , but it is more important to honor the people who served . { { { Luv } } } D . R . 's Dad used to be in the Army . He had a green hat ! : ) Yesterday , I did something a little bit Nawty . I went in D . R . 's room and sniffed in the corner by the lamp , like I always do , but then I pulled the cord of the radio , and it fell on the floor , along with a can of soda and the coaster under it . Crash ! Everything went Bam . D . R . ran over to see if I was okay . She wasn 't mad . She just put back everything on the night table and pet me . Whew . Glad that was over . I has a little bit of Sad news . D . R . 's Aunt Mary had a strow - ke . I did too , a while ago , and it was bad . She already got out of the hospital , but now she has to go back again . We gots the bad nooz the other day : she has the letter - C disease in her chest . : ( A little boo - boo has to be taken out in an operation . I don 't likes that , but I will be glad when it is over and she is all better . { { { Auntie } } } I am sending her lots of hugs and cuddles . I just got back from another walk with Dad , so I am going to rest for a while . I hope Mom will give me part of the newspaper . Thank u , I see u later . { { { Luv } } } : ) O hai ! My name is Keisha . U can see me doing a sekoority patrol in my friend D . R . 's room , in this photo . : ) Thank u for reading mah blog . Today is Fries Day . I didn 't get any French fries , but I did get some chicken . Mmmm ! D . R . had some chicken for dinner . She gave me a couple of little pieces . I nommed them pretty good . Yay ! : ) There was a bad smell in the house last night . I didn 't have an accident , so my hoomins didn 't know what else it could be . They checked the carpet , and they checked the bathroom . Nobody found anything . We don 't know what it was , but something made a bad smell . It 's gone now . Mom used lots of air freshener , so the place smells good again . Whew , that 's better . : ) It was cold and rainy this week . I hope it will be sunny on the weekend . I like to go outside . I know winter is coming up , but it is fun to go for walks with my Mom and Dad . I was a good dog today . I kept watch over my hoomins . D . R . came in the house , and I went up to her so she could pet me . And she did ! : ) Mom sat on the couch before , and I watched teevee with her . I sat next to the couch . When Dad went to his boat club meeting , I walked with him until he got to the door . : ) Yesterday , I checked D . R . 's room a lot . She was playing a vidyo game , so I went in and sniffed everything on the floor , just to make sure it was safe . Everything was okay . Then I sat there and watched her a little . She pet me on the head . That made me feel good . : ) Then I went to sleep in Mom and Dad 's room . The blankie at the foot of the bed is very comfy . : ) U know what ? My Dad 's model kit boat won Best in Show ! Yipee ! : ) Dad went to a meeting of his boat club . They put one of his model kit boats in a show . And he won ! : ) I went up and rubbed on Dad 's foots when he got home . I don 't have any pictures of the boat now . I will try and take one later . U know what , too ? D . R . gave me almonds to eat . MMmmm , they were crunchy . She put a few in my food dish . I went over and I saw them , sniffed and then ate them . Wow ! : ) D . R . saw some more lizards where she works . We also saw them outside our house . They are cute , plus they run fast . D . R . says Mr . Frog hasn 't come back since she freed him from the newspaper machine . That is better , because now he can run and jump and eat stuff in the shrubs , which is good for frogs . : ) Okay , now I am going to sit next to the couch again , and watch teevee with Mom . I see u later . I hope everyone has a fun weekend . Thank u ! { { { Luv } } } The elek - shun in the U - S - A is over . My hoomins are glad . I am too , because now other stuff besides Polly Ticks will be on the teevee . D . R . wants the hockey season to start . I want to watch action shows with my Dad . I like the car chases . : ) D . R . had some popcorn before . I got to have some ! Mmmm , it was good . She gave me a few pieces and I ate them . I like popcorn . It 's crunchy . I was sitting on the couch , and D . R . sat next to me . I rolled over on my side , and D . R . gave me a tummy pat . Oh boy , that felt good ! I feel so warm and happy when I have tummy pats . Whew . : ) There is a new storm that is going to hit the Northeast . It is a big snow storm . They gave it a name . It is called Athena . I hope everyone is careful and stays safe . Please be warm up there . : ) { { { hug } } } My furs are getting very long . I am woolly , like a little bear or sheep . I would like to keep this during the cold weather up ahead . Maybe in March , when it gets a little warm again , I can get a trim . : ) My Dad makes model kit boats . He makes them good ! Some of his boats are going to be in a special contest . I hope he wins . : ) I think I am going to sit with Mom , because she 's watching teevee right now , and that means I could get some pettings . I see u later . Thanks ! : ) { { { Luv } } } Today is Elek - shun Day in the U . S . That means we have to vote for whom we think should be the President . My hoomins voted . Now they are going to watch the news on teevee , until they freak out and can 't sleep . I am going to sit by Dad and see if he has cookies . Thank u ! ( ( ( Luv ) ) ) Today was a funny day . I got a burr in my paw when I was out walking with Mom . Dad took out the burr with a metal pinch thing . Ouch ! I felt better after that , though . They have a lot of Poly Tix on the teevee lately . It is the presidential e - lek - shun . I want everyone to vote . D . R . says that when she was a kid , and her Mom would go vote , her Mom would take her along to the vote place . D . R . would wait outside the booth while her Mom did all the ballot stuff . Then , they would get cookies from the nice people who worked at the place . I like cookies ! : ) D . R . was sick to her tummy this afternoon . She was at work , and she trew up again . It has happened almost every day since she started taking a new medicine her doctor gave her . Maybe they can give her something better . D . R . is going to tell the doctor the next time she goes for a visit . I was very tired yesterday . D . R . went to pet me , and I just lifted my head . She pet me a little , and I felt better . I slept well . Then I woke up in the morning , went for a walk with Dad , and sat outside the compooter room to keep him safe . U have to be prepared at all times , if u are a sekoority guard . D . R . got a new vidyo game . It is called " The Testament of Sherlock Holmes . " In it , u can play as the detective from all the stories . It is neat ! The graphics are good , and u get to walk around London and see stuff . I hope she lets me play it . : ) Okay , I am going to take a break now , because Mom is cooking soup , and I have to see if I can get some . I see u later . Thanks ! { { { Luv } } } O hai , my name is Keisha . My blog has a special theme today . U can read about it here , at the site of the Blog Blast for Peace . It is all about peace . I hope all the hoomins and critters can learn to get along , so we can have long , happy lives . : ) My Mom went out to spend the day with her friends , yesterday . She is coming back today . I can 't wait for her to be here . Hurry back , Mom . :) : ) D . R . is worried because she likes ice hockey a lot , and the top league in the U - S - A is the NHL , but they cancelled a lot of games because the players and the team owners are arguing a lot . D . R . is Sad . She wants to see games on the teevee , and go to the stadium too . I like that also . Except I just watch at home . : ) Where we live , they have early voting for the elekshun . D . R . voted last week . Now she is going to the liberry , to get some books . There may be a lot of people there , more than ever , because that is where they do the voting too . The liberry is fun . : ) I hope she gets a lot of new books , so I can practice reading when she gets home . The big storm Sandy made a lot of hoomins and critters Sad because their homes , business and towns were all smashed up . U can look for the Red Cross here online and maybe give them a gifty to help . D . R . did that today . If u can too , it would be very kind . Thanks . : ) Okay , I going now to sit in Dad 's room . I see u later . Bye ! { { { Luv } } } O hai , everybuddy . Thank u for all the nice wishes and prayers u sent after the hurry - cane started on the East Coast of the U . S . A . My family and I are doing okay . Our state just got some wind and rain . The states north of here got a lot more . I sorry . : ( But I think they will build their stuff again . If u know someone who lives there , maybe u can send them stuff to give to a shelter . Lots of hoomins and critters will be happy for ur help . Thanks . : ) { { { Love } } } Today a really exciting thing happened . Another Mr . Frog was in the newspaper machine at D . R . 's office ! D . R . tapped him and made him jump out of the coin return . Then Mr . Frog bounced off D . R . 's lunch bag ! Wow . Then Mr . Frog ran away . He went on the ground and over to the lawn . D . R . was happy Mr . Frog wasn 't stuck anymore . : ) My Mom went on a trip with her friends . Dad is staying home to watch teevee and eat noms . I like that stuff , too . : ) D . R . pet me when she came home from work . That was good . : ) I checked D . R . 's room a lot tonite . I sniffed some books and I made sure the pile of clean clothes on the bed was okay . I was almost going to sleep there , but I went to the couch instead . O hai ! My name is Keisha . Happy Halloween to everyone ! : ) I has some ideas . Only go outside if u are on a leash with your hoomin . Also , don 't eat anything with chocolate , raisins , grapes , onions or anything else that will make your tummy urp . Just stay inside , maybe bark a little when the hoomins come to the door , and then go back to watch teevee . : ) D . R . finally got her new medicine yesterday , which made her feel good . She had frowed up for a week and she was going to stop going to her job , but she decided to keep trying . Now her tummy is a little better , and she didn 't frows up today . There was a big huge hurrycane in the northeast USA yesterday . It was bad . Lots of homes and towns were flooded , and some hoomins even died . ( Rest in peace . ) i hope all the hoomins and critters are warm and safe again . If u have time , look up a shelter or agency which helps storms victims , and u can send them a gifty , like some green papers or pet supplies . It will help a lot . : ) . ( Love ) Today is a scary day for some hoomins and critters . A hurricane is coming to the northeast U - S - A . It is called Sandy . Please be very super careful and stay inside . ( This is a cute kitteh . He not ours , but he cute . ) : ) Yesterday was Fries Day . I wish it was better , because my friend D . R . got sick . She said she must have had a tummy virus . D . R . frew up lots of times . As soon as she got home from work , she had to go sleeps . Later , she did feel a little more better . I checked on her a couple times , and she pet me on the head . : ) I was okay on Fries Day . I nommed my food , had lots of water and took some good naps . I had fun being with Mom and Dad . I checked in on Dad in his compooter room a lot . He took me for walkies . : ) We had lots of windy weather here in the early morning . There is a bad storm called Sandy that is heading for the Northeast U - S - A . I send a big hug to all the hoomins and critters who live there . May Ceiling Cat kepp them safe . ( ( ( Hug ) ) ) Okay , I going to sleeps soon . I will keep an eye on mah hoomin fiend and make sure she gets plenty of rest . I hope u has a good weekend . Bye ! ( ( ( Luv ) ) ) I has a news . This morning , I got sick in my b - u - t - t , and had to go outside a lot . I jumped on Mom and Dad and made them take me for walkies . The Dy Rea came back . I took my medicine , which helped me feel a little better , and I slept a lot after that . Mom gives me just chicken and rice , because it is good when a dog has the b - u - t - t problem . D . R . saw Mr . Frog this morning . He was in the coin return thing of the newspaper machine ! D . R . reached in with her finger and gently nudged him out of there . He jumped ! He bounced off D . R . 's shirt ! ! : ) Then he landed on the ground . He was okay , and he scooted away into the bushes . Yay ! : ) There is a football game on the teevee tonight . D . R . will probably watch it , so I will check in on her . Maybe she will have cookies . : ) I went into D . R . 's room a lot today . I sniffed her things , like books and shoes . Also , I smelled the furniture . As a sekoority guard , it is my job to make sure everything is safe . Today , there was a really good show on Animal Planet . It was called " Too Cute " and it had pug puppies ! : ) They were so cute . I love that show , and my hoomins do too . U can watch puppies climb on each other and ask Mom for help . : ) D . R . didn 't see Mr . Frog on Wins Day at the newspaper machine in front of her office . She was going to take him out of there so he could go back to living in the shrubs , but she didn 't see him . D . R . said she will take him out of the machine thing next time Mr . Frog is there . : ) D . R . had a frozen pizza for dinner last nite . Also , she had two mini cheezburgers left over from lunch . Guess who got to have some burger ? Me ! It was yummy . : ) There were lots more lizards outside our house yesterday , too . They live in the bushes , and they run all over the place . I think they are cute . I like to chase them when I go for walks . They are lots of different colors , and they bob their heads up and down kinda funny . : ) This morning was kinda tuff for me . I had to wake up Mom and Dad to take me outside lots of times . I didn 't have an accident in the house . I just went outside . Then I rested for a long time . Whew . : ) The birdees were singing outside today . They went twerdle , cheep cheep . I like to hear them . I wish I could go from one tree to another . It must be fun . : ) D . R . took me for walks the other day . I didn 't want to walk much . I sat there for a while . Then I went to the lawn , and after that , we went back to the house . D . R . also gave me my medicine , inside a piece of pound cake . Mmmm , I love cake ! : ) U know who is in the picture ? Mr . Lizard . We have a lot of little tiny lizards that live near our house . This was the one I saw clinging to the wall the other day . Pretty neat ! : ) This morning , I woke up and took my first walk to the lawn , with Dad . Then we came back in the house , and had breakfast . I cleaned my paws after that . Mom and Dad read the newspaper and talked about stuff . Today is a good day to think about ur Mom and Dad , or whoever your favorite hoomans are . : ) U know who is in this other picture ? Mr . Frog . D . R . saw him in the newspaper machine when she was walking out of the office . Mr . Frog still lives in the machine . U can see him in the coin return . He cute ! He has lots of colors . It is almost time for Halloween . I can 't have chocolate , but I hope I get to have some cookies , or fruit chewy candies . : ) Mmmmm . I also like to bark when kids ring the doorbell for trick or treat . I don 't do anything else , I just go to the door and bark . Mom and Dad give out the candy . It 's kind of fun to watch . : ) There is a poly tix dee - bate on the teevee tonight . D . R . says she probably won 't watch it . There are football and baseball on , too . Those are more funner . Poly Tix just has a lot of yelling . I like ballgames better , because I can pretend it 's my turn to catch the ball . : ) Hi dere ! My name is Keisha . I am a little dog . I live in Flory - dah with my hoomins . It is good to see u . : ) Today , we got good news . My hoomin friend D . R . does nawt have any more bad medical stuffs . She went to the doctor and he said she just has to take medicine which makes her bloods process sugar better . Yay ! : ) D . R . was worried that she may have the letter - C disease . But she does nawt . Yipee ! : ) D . R . and her Mom were very happy , so they went to breakfast . It was good . : ) D . R . had waffles , and her Mom had pancakes . I bet I get some of the leftovers later ! : ) This afternoon , I sat on the couch . I was really sleepy . D . R . sat next to me . I turned over , so she could pet my tummy , and she did ! I like tummy pats . : ) We saw a lizard outside the house . He was just little . He didn 't even have a long tail yet , just a short one . He climbed up the wall and sat there . Lizards can stay on the wall . I can 't do that . : ) Oh noes . I has a bad news . I wish it was happy , but it is nawt . The doggy Angel , who was lost in Michigan , has gone to the Rainbow Bridge . : ( Rest in peace . U can see blog posts about Angel here and here . U know what ? Mah friend D . R . was sick in her tummy . She trew up real bad , in the middle of the night . Then she washed herself and went back to sleep . She said after that , she had a weird dream . She did feel a little better at work , later on . I know why : she hugged me and pet me a lot , before she left . : ) U know what also ? I sick , too . I had the Dy Rea again . I got it lots of times today . I had to go for so many walkies , Mom and Dad got tired . I am going to try to drink water and rest . Guess what else , though ? D . R . saw a frog today ! It was the second time she saw him this week . He lives inside a newspaper machine at the place where she works . Here is his picture : The critter Angel is still missing , so please go see Molly 's post and learn how u can help . Angel lives in Michigan of the U - S - A . Thank u . : ) The new gym that D . R . and her Mom have joined will officially open this week . That means they will be able to go and do exercise stuff . I bet it 's fun . I hope they let me go on the treadmill . : ) U know what ? I tried to go in D . R . 's room and get ice cream yesterday , but I couldn 't have any , because it had chocolate . Oops . I know that is bad for me . It smells good , though . There was another poly tiks thing on the teevee tonight . That made me bored . I watched a show about Alaska instead . It had fish and hoomins and pretty cabins in it . I bet it would be fun to visit there . : ) There were also baseball and college football on the teevee , too . Those were pretty good . : ) Lost dog - urgent ! Angel the dog lives in Cheboygan , Michigan . She is lost and needs to come home . Please check post on Molly 's page , to see how you can help . Today , my hoomin friend D . R . usually goes to church , but she can 't go this time , because she has to stay home and collect 24 hours ' worth of samples for a medical test . Yipes . She does not like it , but it will be over tomorrow , so that 's better . D . R . had chicken for lunch today . I was there . She gave some to me . : ) Mmm , it was delicious . It was grilled . I ate it up . Yummy ! : ) D . R . gived a small gifty to the shelter Rikki 's Refuge . It was in memory of Diamond . That place helps a lot of critters . If u want , u can give a little thing to ur local shelter . They appreciate everything from towels to food . : ) Thank u . You know what else was good ? D . R . gave me a little piece of bread . It had butter stuff on it , which tastes like butter but is made from corn and has no calories . Mmm , it was good . : ) I went into Mom 's room because I wanted to sleep next to the bed . Then Mom woke up , and she went to watch teevee on the couch , so I went with her . I sat next to the couch . It feels good to be with mah friends . : ) We have neighbors next door who have four dogs . Four , that is pretty neat ! : ) We thought there were only three , but there is one more . I listen to them bark at night . They like to bark for a few minutes when they go out for their evening walkies . Mom doesn 't like the noise very much , but I think it 's kind of fun . It is like hearing the dog news . : ) D . R . went to the park today ! She went to Starkey Park . That is my favorite place . Mom used to take me there for walks , before I had my stroke . Now I just go walkies near my house . I am happy D . R . went there , though . : ) Today , something neat happened . My friend , Katie Isabella the kitty , gave me an awardie ! Thank u , Katie Isabella . : ) I am going to give this awardie to five other blogs from critters . They are : Something else good happened , too . Yesterday , my friend D . R . went to the doctor , and she did okay . She has to take some new medicine , but it is not too bad . Her Mom and Dad already take the same stuff , and they say it is good . It does not make ur tummy hurt . : ) D . R . said there was another poly tix dee - bate on the teevee , but she watched football instead . Then she read a book . I checked on her in her room , and she was okay . That was good . : )

I read an article today from the Deseret News website . It was from Ask Angela and it was an LDS man writing in about his complaint that LDS girls all have too high of expectations . He wrote " I have always wanted to marry a Latter - day Saint woman . But after being in the dating game for eight - plus years and well over 1 , 000 dates , I 'm about ready to throw in the towel ! LDS women are told constantly that they are princesses , and to an extent that 's true , but it 's going to all of your heads and you 're expecting these men and these dates and these engagements that are only found in fairy tales ! I 'm not Prince Charming . I 'm a real man , and I 'd like to find a Latter - day Saint woman who understands that and isn 't expecting me to be this perfect and unrealistic guy . How can I get these LDS ladies to stop going after something that doesn 't exist ? " Boy its a good thing that I am not Angela because I would have had a thing or two to say to this man . And yet when I finished the article , despite the fact that his letter hadn 't been addressed to me I still wanted to put my two cents in , so here is the reply that I would have sent to him had I been Angela . BTW , Angela gave a good response , perhaps a little kinder than I would have been … Let me start by asking a question . Is there a chance that just maybe the fault is not on the part of the LDS women in general and more on the fact that you obviously are looking for and dating the same type of woman over and over again , perhaps when you are looking for a mindless twit , thats what you find . Because I promise you , the good ones are out there … in droves … with so much to offer … waiting for someone to rise up enough to see who they are . Like you I had been in the YSA scene for too many years . at least as many as you have been . And since I am an LDS woman I hope I can give you a little in sight into what at least some of us are thinking . Just as you suggested I was told on multiple occasions , by multiple people that maybe I was being too picky . And that maybe thats why at 32 years old I was still single . Maybe I can show you what I saw . I saw dozens if not hundreds of girls who desperately wanted to get married , who were doing everything they could to better themselves , they put extensive effort into their physical appearance , consistently attended FHE groups , institute and activities in an effort to " put themselves out there . " They developed their talents and spent the time that they were " waiting " for their " prince charming " bettering themselves through school and career . As a result many of them had masters degrees and Phds , graduated at the top of their class from BYU Law school , had great careers , made far more money than they needed to support themselves , these are girls that loved the Lord and devoted their life to living the standards that they professed to believe . These girls were beautiful , fit , active women . And I saw weeks turn into months without these girls going on dates . Maybe the occasional date here or there but nothing very encouraging . I saw them baking cookies for undeserving boys who were just playing the field , inviting boys over for dinner , and trying to find a sense of satisfaction in their lives without a relationship and many of them succeeded . I saw the braver among them ask guys out themselves in an effort to make sure they were " doing their part " I saw guys who saw only a pretty face and a sexy body , I saw guys with an addiction to porn , I saw guys who sat at home and played video games . I saw guys who couldn 't be bothered with home teaching and all that stuff . And I saw guys who made a joke out of their inability to commit . Thats what I saw , let me tell you what I wanted . I wanted a man who would love me , who would be faithful to me , who would treat me like the daughter of God that I was . I wanted a man who would commit to me and to our family , I wanted a man who was willing to stand up and be a leader . I wanted to have a family , I wanted to love and support my husband in reaching all of his dreams , I wanted to treat him like the son of God that he is . I never wanted a perfect husband , ( he would have been impossible to live with , with all of my imperfections ) but I did want a man who WANTED to be perfect . Who wouldn 't complain that I wanted him to change , because of course I want him to change ! Thats why we are here after all ! And I hope he wants me to change as well . I watched my friends , marry men who did have porn problems , who didn 't have jobs , who hadn 't served missions and who weren 't nearly as handsome as the pretty girls they married . I watched them put their husbands through school . And they did it because they found men who loved them , who committed to them , and who wanted to change . And they believed in them . I met Joseph at the Space Café , a little tourist place that had great food . I was excited to tell him that I had " slept on it " and had an answer for him . The out door setting was secluded and romantic . We found a corner table with comfortable whicker chairs and sat down and ordered a milk shake and samosa . " I 've been thinking about what we talked about the other night , " I told him . " And I think I 'm ready to take a step forward . I think we should get engaged . " I don 't know what I expected from him but the huge smile and the bear hug that I was soon engulfed in took me by surprise . I laughed and moved over to sit on his lap . We sat that way unaware of anyone else and just talked through our plans . " This isn 't official though until you propose properly with a ring and everything , " I told him . " And you have to make it a good story . I 've waited a long time to be proposed to and I 've always wanted a good story . If you need help , coming up with something I can give you my friends phone number and she can help , " I told him , feeling quite sure that he wouldn 't have the first idea where to start to plan the kind of outrageous proposal that would live up to all my day dreams of how that moment should go . He insisted that he could do this on his own and that he didn 't need help , he could make it special and romantic . " One more thing , " I added , " about the ring , I kind of know exactly what I like and what I don 't like . But I want you to pick it and I want it to be a surprise … so I could maybe show you some pictures and then you would know what to look for … " I told him . He assured me he would work something out . A few days later he called to ask me if I could go look at rings with him . I thought we would just look to give him an idea of what I liked , but when we got there , there wasn 't much of a variety to choose from and we quickly found one that suited our purposes . And since it really was the only option as far as I was concerned , we bought it there on the spot . We were planning a trip to visit Rwanda that weekend . I laughed a little . It was a bit un conventional and not at all what I had in mind but , what did it matter now . I begged Joseph to let me wear the ring for just a little while . He agreed and we had lunch and then headed back to Jinja . Finally the weekend arrived . I wondered what Joseph had planned , as I packed the ring in my bag . I hoped it would be good . In the taxi on the way to the bus station , I talked to Joseph about something that had concerned me . I was very open about my concerns , never realizing that it might look to him as though I was questioning our decision to marry . Somehow it ended up in an argument . Both of us were very emotional and I felt he wasn 't listening to me and being understanding . I have no idea what he felt but when I looked over at him , he had tears in his eyes as they looked straight ahead , he didn 't seem to want to look at me . I was frustrated and didn 't know what to do . I had told him of my concerns because I wanted him to comfort me , not the other way around ! The taxi was stuck in the bumper to bumper traffic like nothing you will see anywhere except Kampala streets and as the minutes turned to hours we knew we were about to miss our bus if we didn 't do something quick . Finishing this conversation would have to wait . We exited the taxi and found a couple of boda boda drivers . We need to get to the bus station Joseph told them and we need to make it in 20 minutes no matter what . Can you take us there . They spoke among themselves for a few seconds questioning if what we asked was possible . Ok they told us we can take you but hang on tight and don 't let go for anything , we will not be stopping if we are going to take you . In order to make what we had planned possible we would take two separate bodas . Normally the drivers wanted you to hang on to the bike and not them but this time the driver told me to put my arms tight around his waist and get ready . We zoomed in and out of traffic sometimes coming so close to the cars on either side that I worried that my feet would hit them as we passed . When the cars closed up around us the driver whipped up over the curb and took the sidewalk , sometimes using his feet to help balance and sometimes using his hands on passing cars as we squeezed through small spaces . I clung to him for dear life and tried to keep an eye on Joseph 's back just ahead . In almost exactly twenty minutes we whizzed into the parking lot where our bus stood waiting . It was dark outside and the lights where on inside the bus , we could see that most of the passengers where already seated . I grabbed our things paid the boda men and raced up into the bus . It wasn 't until we were safely in our seats and the bus was on its way that Joseph chose to resume our discussion from before . This time however , everything was different . We were seated in our two chairs side by side in the dark bus as it rumbled along down dirt roads , our chairs reclined just a little to allow us to sleep as the trip to Rwanda was going to take all night . Joseph raised the arm rest between our two seats to allow us to be closer and then he put both arms around me and cradled my head on his chest . " Im sorry , he whispered to me , There is just nothing that frightens me like the thought of losing you . Hearing you talk like that made me think that you might go home and I would never see you again . . Tears streamed down my cheeks . " I love you Joseph , I said , I would never leave you . I just wanted to be able to share with you some things that were hard for me . I wanted to hear you reassure me that it was all going to be ok . That 's all I really wanted . " His hand stroked my hair and down my back as we whispered lovingly to each other until we both fell asleep . As we continued our journey the sun slowely came up to reveal the beautiful country side , that one pictures when they imagine going to Africa . The red sand , open saces , and funny little trees off in the distance kept me captivated . I marveled abit at how I had come to be here . I had always wanted to live a life of adventure but I never imagined I would be sitting on a bus watching the sunrise as I entered Rwanda with my future husband by my side . I felt like I was living in some kind of dream . I struggled to wake from this dream and realize that it was in fact reality so that I could soak it all in , enjoy every second of this magical journey that had surpassed all my imaginings . . Finally we reached Kigali , the capital city of Rwanda . It was so interesting to know the recent history of this place and yet to find myself here . Where stories that I had only read about took place , seeing and being greeted by adults who no doubt had been present , a witness to , if not a participant in the genocide that took place there . We took a taxi to a hotel , paid for our rooms and settled in to look around . Our room … two rooms really , separated by a half wall . Each room with a small cot against one wall and one room with a sink attached to the other wall . A small table sat in the room that would be Joseph 's . We unloaded our belongings and headed out to get some breakfast . We stopped on our way at an ATM only to discover that it wouldn 't take a visa so we went in search of another that would . We tried another and when it wouldn 't either we decided to just head to the mall to get something to eat and we would find a place to change more money later . I stuffed my small coin purse with all of our cash and my credit cards back in the backpack that Joseph carried on his back and we headed to the mall . When we arrived I reached in expecting to feel the coarseness of the bark cloth coin purse only to feel nothing . We put the back pack down and searched every possible pocket taking everything out of it in our desperate search . I was near tears realizing that more than likely it was really gone . We retraced our steps back to the last ATM homing against hope that we would find it along the way , but the purse was gone . We better report it to the police , Joseph told me , see if they can help us . I was near tears , not sure what we were going to do without that money and completely at a loss for how I was going to survive the rest of my time in Uganda without access to any of the money in my bank account . Assuming of course that whoever took our purse didn 't get everything out of it before I could call and cancel the card . I looked at him , he looked at me and then he started to grin . Joseph this isn 't funny I said , this is really serious . We have nothing ! And no way to get home until the bus leaves in another three days ! I looked at him not sure if I should be angry with him for not taking this situation more seriously or to hug him for being such a good sport about it all and for reminding me of something that I should have remembered . This was just another adventure , and if nothing else it would make a good story later . I knew from past experience that often when things go horribly wrong , the make the best of memories years down the road when you can laugh at the craziness . " You 're right I said , we will be fine . It might even be fun . I said with a twinkle in my eye . It won 't be the trip we planned but Im quite certain it will be an adventure . He hugged me then and we sat down to assess our situation . Just then a couple walked by , obviously tourists as they were white and spoke with an Australian accent . They had twin daughters , one of which was in her mothers arms and the other was trailing behind the couple . She looked at us and without a word walked straight to Joseph and lifted her arms to be picked up . He picked her up and walked toward her mother who stood watching , looking slightly unseasy . When Joseph reached the mother he held the girl out to her only to have her little arms wrap tenderly around his neck and she turned her face to hide in his shoulder . He spoke to her for a minute and encouraged her to go to her mother . She finally did while her twin looked on quietly sucking her thumb . I stood watching the whole scene in amazement . To me Joseph shone with kindness , his smile radiated goodness and I saw it from the moment that I met him . To see this child react to that confirmed to me that President Jackson 's words to me that day at the wedding were more true than even I imagined . Joseph really was everything that I thought he was . Even a child could see that and loved him . After the little family left we gathered up all the loose change and any bills of any kind that we had on us . We changed them into francs and discovered that we had just enough left to take a taxi back to the bus station with a little extra . We went to the grocery store to see what we could find . We bought a loaf of bread , a jar of peanut butter , a knife and a carton of milk . It wasn 't much but at least we wouldn 't starve . We went back to our rooms and sat on the bed . We read to each other and talked for sometime . Later that evening , we sat talking and Jospeh asked me if I knew what day it was . I did . It was the fourth of July . I knew everyone back home would be celebrating with fireworks and good food . But I was happy right where I was with my peanut butter sandwhich . Did you bring that thing I asked you to pack ? Joseph asked , referring to my engagement ring . I laughed knowing what was coming . I did , I told him . Well we are going to need it now , he told me . I scooted off the bed and went to my side of the room to get the little black velvet box , this was so inconventional and so not what I had imagined . I brought it back and gave it to him . Ever since I got home from my mission , I have been praying and looking for a girl that would commit herself to me and to the gospel , he told me . I wanted to find a girl that I could trust to raise our children in the church , to have family home evening with me , and who would support me in my callings , he told me . When I met you I was amazed by your goodness and I knew without a doubt that you would make a great mother , the more I got to know you I saw that you were committed to the gospel . I have told you some of the reason 's why I love you . He said , but the biggest reason I love you is because it is so clear to me that you love the Lord . He promised to send me a handmaiden of the Lord and when I look at you , that is what I see . Joseph , I interrupted , knowing what was coming and knowing that it couldn 't happen with both of us seated on his bed . Joseph , you know you can 't do this sitting down right ? I asked not sure if he knew that he should be down on one knee . Joseph , I enterupted again , you know you can 't do this standing up right ? He looked at me confused . You have to get down on one knee . I told him laughing a little at how this was all turning out . No Joseph , Ilaughed again , its done on one . In America when you propose you get down on ONE knee . He seemed confused at why two wouldn 't be better but he did as I asked . Finally he finished , look around you Vilate , this room , this place is nothing fancy , this trip is probably going to be a little bit hard . We don 't even have anything to celebrate with except more peanut butter sandwhiches . Our life will probably be something like this , full of unexpected adventures , difficult times and trials , but I love you and I promise you that if you will marry me I will do everything within my power to make you happy and to be a good husband and father . I gulped , still trying to grasp at the reality of this moment that I had waited almost 32 long years to experience . Nothing was the way I had imagined it . I looked around me at the cold bare walls , at the hard floor and the dirty sink in the corner and I realized that his proposal couldn 't have been more perfect , that he and I couldn 't have been more perfect . It would never have done to have him show up with roses and a cute little proposal , that just wasn 't me , or him . What could have been more appropriate than the way this had all happened . I said " yes " and Joseph slipped the ring on my finger . I also had imagined that I would be a bucket of tears , that my hand would shake as he put the ring on my finger and that I would be so overcome with emotion that I wouldn 't hardly be able to stammer a yes . I felt none of those things . I felt peaceful , it felt normal , and I was happy . Over the last 16 years or so I had imagined every possible scenario in which this moment would happen . I never once imagined this one and once again life managed to throw me a surprise , an adventure and a curve that I never could have seen coming . Once again life had proved unpredicatable , … just the way I liked it . It was Sunday and after church Joseph and I went to his uncle 's house . This was the house that Joseph grew up in . As the boda boda pulled into the yard , and I saw the expanse of grass surrounded by tall trees , the little house at the center surrounded by out buildings , I could just imagine Joseph living and playing here as a child . It had a homey feel . It reminded me of Aunt Hannah 's place , where I had grown up working and playing in the big yard surrounded by trees and protected from the outside world . It was a place teaming with memories and it reeked of home and family . I loved it immediately . I think that day was the first time that I began to see myself married to him . I didn 't really think about it then , but looking back I remember imagining our future together and somehow tying his life growing up in this home to mine and thinking in terms of we instead of I . I do remember being so in love with him that I couldn 't hardly see straight . We played with his nieces and nephews , visited with his uncle and aunts and cousins . They all accepted me as part of the family and loved me so readily . The following week Joseph stopped to see me on his way to Kampala to visit with the mission president one last time before he left the mission . I had been thinking a lot about him , about our situation and about the growing feelings I had for him . We went for a walk and had a very " logical " conversation . I reminded him that I would be leaving in about 6 weeks and that it was impossible for this relationship to go anywhere in that amount of time . If he was able to get a visa to come to the US for a visit we could potentially continue to date then and see what happened but we were kind of staring at a dead - end . I told him it just didn 't make sense for us to get serious about each other or really even continue seeing each other when it was all bound to end in six weeks time anyway . That night Joseph stopped by again , this time on his way home from his visit to see President Jackson . I had been at Susan 's house ( One of the Musana women ) teaching her how to make crepes . I had brought Nutella and bananas and the hot crepes were just coming off the flat surface of the charcoal stove when Joseph arrived . I met him at the door and excitedly dragged him in for something to eat . I was so excited to show him what I had made and to have him taste the delicious treat that I didn 't even notice his hesitancy . I pushed him into a chair and then sat on the arm of the chair , feeding him bites of crepes and purposely smearing chocolate on his face , so that I could clean it off when Susan wasn 't looking . Joseph talked for a while about this and that , about his calling , about other things that he had discussed with President Jackson , after a few minutes his conversation suddenly turned rather serious . He sighed a big heavy sigh and I came down off the porch and knelt in front of him . " Whats the matter ? " I asked . He didn 't answer so I put my arms around his neck and just hugged him . He started talking then and I could feel his breath on my neck . " I love you , " he told me and I promise you that I will take care of you . I will do whatever it takes to provide a good home for you . I promise to be a good husband and father and to love you always as I do now . " He continued , President Jackson told me that this decision is really pretty easy and doesn 't take even six weeks . Either you are the girl for me and I am the guy for you or not . That 's the only decision we have to make . It 's as simple as that . I think he is right and I know you are the girl for me if you will just say you will marry me . I couldn 't believe it . I didn 't know what to say . I couldn 't say yes and yet try as I might I couldn 't say no either . I thought of President Jackson 's council to me to follow as closely as I could what my heart would tell me . I tried to shut out all the thoughts , and the ideas buzzing like so many mosquitoes in my brain . I knew then what I had to do . I had to do what I had been doing with Joseph all along . I would take it one step at a time . " I think … " I said , hesitating and trying to make sense of my own thoughts before I spoke them , " that its probably ok … for us to get engaged . I need to sleep on it , and I can 't say for sure that I can marry you but I think you are right and we have to take a step forward . " Joseph hugged me so tight I couldn 't hardly breathe , not that I could have taken a breathe anyway at that point . My knees where still shaking , my legs felt like Jello and my head was spinning . Did I just agree to get engaged ! By morning I knew the only possible answer to his question . I was going to marry Joseph . I thought of everything that had led me to this point . The craziness of the whole plan that had led me to Uganda . I remembered telling my friends back home that the Lord must have something wonderful in store for me there because I had never received such clear direction to do anything in my whole life . I knew from the moment I saw the ad for an internship , that I was meant to go to Uganda . Now I knew why . I was terrified beyond words , I was happy , I was in shock . But my Joseph was finally going to REALLY be MY Joseph . My life started to fit together like pieces to a puzzle and a sense of peace over came me . I couldn 't wait to see Joseph to tell him the new word I had learned I couldn 't wait to say to him Nkwagala Nyo ! Joseph wanted to take me to meet his family . It had been precisely two weeks since our first date . I was excited to meet them . He told me that he had never before taken a girl home and that they didn 't believe that he was about to now . As we rode in the taxi his mother and his sister each called him several times , not really convinced that he was actually coming nor that he was in fact bringing a girl with him . Joseph taught me the respectful greeting for his mother . We entered the little house to see Joseph 's mother sitting on the floor . She held out her hands to us with the biggest smile on her face . " Eladay Niabo " I said , surprising her with my limited knowledge of Luganda . We sat and soon Joseph 's sister Tinah entered the room . Tinah had been assaulted and robbed in her home a few days before and the intruder had slashed her fingers with a machete . They were bandaged and broken . She joined us and after awhile when Joseph asked if I would be ok if he left me with them for a few minutes I agreed . " Gende , Gende , " I told him shooing him away . " We have girl talk that you can 't be here for . " After he left Joseph 's mother got very real with me . " Do you love him ? " she asked me rather pointedly . I assured her that I did . " Never before has he been interested in a girl like this she told me . When he first met you he called me and told me that he had just gone on a date with the woman of his dreams . Joseph wouldn 't say that unless its true , he has been looking for some time and has had many opportunities to marry and he has never found the right one . You must promise to marry him ! " " When you get married , " I said , " the preacher says until death do you part . In my religion , we believe that marriage is much more than that . We believe that when you marry it is not only for time but for all eternity as well . Eternity is a very long time and deciding who I spend it with is a big decision . It 's not one that I can make after knowing someone for only two weeks . " I told her hoping she would understand . When it came time for us to leave all three of them walked us back to the taxi . They said goodbye with big hugs and we promised to come visit them again . " Marry my son . " His mother told me as she hugged me goodbye . " I always knew he would one day marry a white woman and move away from us . He was never meant for Uganda . " It was dark when we got back to JInja and as we flagged down a boda driver I decided that I was going to try riding as the Ugandan women did . Side saddle with both legs on the same side of the motorcycle . I got on and with Joseph behind me it was easy to keep my balance . One hand rested on each of his legs and I turned to talk to him . It was easier to see his face as we rode this way and I decided that the Ugandan women had a good thing going . I only had to turn my head a little to be able to talk to him , as I did he playfully stuck his tongue out at me and instead of pulling away as I am sure he expected I would I leaned toward him . I had learned a thing or two about teasing from my brothers and I knew better than to give him what he expected . He also must have known a thing or two as well because his response wasn 't what I expected either . He kissed me , long and hard as the world flew passed us . I forgot about the boda driver , about everything except the two of us . Finally fearing that we would both lose our balance and fall off the motorcycle we stopped . I giggled a little as I looked at him , feeling a little sheepish . I had no idea who might have seen us . But with the stars twinkling over head , and the cool night air racing passed us . I felt like the moment was everything I had dreamed of as a child and more , and I didn 't care . Since Joseph and I had decided that we were officially dating , I wanted to find out all I could about him . I didn 't want to be in a relationship if it was a dead end . So the following Wednesday I had agreed to help out with a choir practice in Jinja and Joseph and I agreed to meet up afterward . We sat on the lawn with a notebook and had a very honest talk . The search was still on for the true Joseph . I knew he couldn 't be as wonderful as I thought he was . I asked him straight out what he felt his biggest faults were and he told me , I told him mine also and we talked about what and how we felt we could deal with these . We talked about many other things as well as we sat under a tree on the church lawn . After awhile we noticed quite a group gathering for a wedding . We crowded into the chapel and as I watched the ceremony , with Joseph seated next to me I kept thinking to myself about what a wedding to him might be like . As President Jackson spoke about the sacred commitment that these couples were about to make I looked at Joseph to find him already looking at me . We smiled surely thinking the same thing and he squeezed my hand . The wedding was beautiful with all three couples standing in turn to make their covenants with each other and with God . One by one President Jackson made them kiss , not just once but until he felt that they had done it right ! He wanted to see a real kiss that showed they were thinking more about their love for each other than their shyness at kissing in public . As the couples kissed awkwardly it looked as though they were trying their best to only touch lips and no other part of their body . I whispered to Joseph . " We would have no problem with this , I think we could give them lessons , " He agreed with a huge smile just as the wedding ended . We stood around waiting for the couples to take pictures and to be greeted by all their friends . As we stood at the back of the chapel , President Jackson saw me standing there holding Joseph 's hand , your looking suddenly very happy he told me as he passed by . It was true , I was blissfully happy . I could feel so many eyes on us and I knew that my holding hands in public with the second counselor in the district presidency was causing a bit of a stir . I wanted a minute alone with Joseph . We went for a little walk around the church . As we got to the backside of the building where no people were we stopped and enjoyed the privacy and the quiet , away from prying eyes . After the wedding , we attended a dinner at Two Friends resort . The food was good and the couples looked so happy . We were seated at the table almost directly across from President Jackson . As they were cutting the cake Joseph left the table to get us drinks and when he was away President Jackson came to my table looked me straight in the eye and said " I just want you to know , that man is everything you think he is . I haven 't met a better man and neither will you . " I felt chills go through my body and I knew he was telling me the truth . I knew I had found in my Joseph everything that I had prayed for for so long . It scared me . When Joseph returned President Jackson shook his hand and told us he would be performing two more weddings that following week . He asked if we would attend . We agreed and then with a little twinkle in his eye he said , " You know we could make it three ! " We both laughed , but later as Joseph was saying goodbye , a van full of missionaries and others from the wedding waiting to take me back to Lugazi , I considered for the first time what It might be not to have to say goodbye to him . He held me and we tried to ignore the eyes watching us . " You have to go , he whispered , they are waiting for you . " I clung to him wanting more than the simple goodbye hug but knowing it wasn 't possible there with everybody watching , so I said goodbye and started the long drive back to Lugazi . The next morning my first thought upon waking up was , I could be marrying Joseph next week ! The thought was surprisingly appealing . The next day I met with President Jackson for a temple recommend interview . After seeing that here in Uganda a temple recommend wasn 't so much about the ability to GO to the temple but a sign of your WORTHINESS to attend the temple , I felt ashamed at having let mine expire just because I didn 't think I would be needing it in Uganda . President explained to me a bit about blacks and the gospel and about the church 's position on interracial marriage . We also talked at length about Joseph , about my relationship with him , about my fears and my concerns . He offered to give me a blessing . He gave me some very specific counsel and advice about things I should be doing and told me that no one could get this answer except me but that if I would listen very carefully and try my best to follow what my heart told me , it would not lead me astray . Someone pointed out to me the other day that I had left quite a few holes in my story . The truth is I just haven 't written . Pregnancy has taken so much out of me . I thought I was the most prepared person on the planet for having a baby , somehow I missed the memo about how hard pregnancy is . How tired it makes you and how much you eat ! It 's been the most amazing adventure of my life . But here I am finally adding another chapter from my African romance , Since our first date Joseph and I had been talking to each other every day . One day about a week after our first date we were chatting on Facebook and he told me he loved me . I was kind of freaking out because when he said it , it was so different from the other random guys that would throw that term out at me on a daily bases . I knew he meant it and it scared me . So … I taught him the meaning of " take a chill pill " and explained that he needed to do that in regards to me . I explained that Love is a pretty big word with deep meaning . He agreed and told me if I needed to talk he was ready to listen . I didn 't know what to do with his calm reassuring demeanor . He wasn 't put off by me at all and he wasn 't pushy just confidant and direct in his feelings . It scared me . She explained she had known him since he was about 11 and that he had been the one to baptize her . Everything she had to say about him was good . " Be real with me , " I told her , " I need to know what I 'm getting myself into . What 's he like when he is angry ? " That day he took me to his apartment ; we sat on the couch and talked . It was interesting to see his personal touch in his apartment . I felt at home with him and comfortable in his living space . We agreed that week that we would date only each other and we would move forward with this relationship . The next day he came to Lugazi to speak in our branch . He sat up front and looked so formal and official it was hard to believe that was MY Joseph sitting up there , laughing and talking with my branch president . They started the meeting and announced that President Ssempala would be presiding at the meeting . " President Ssempala " , it fit the man in the suit . I was a little startled to realize that the President Ssempala they were referring to was MY BOYFRIEND ! People who preside at church are old men , not handsome kind men who smiled at me the way he did . I watched him wondering when and how this had happened . He looked up at me and winked . I blushed knowing that I probably wasn 't the only one in the congregation to notice . This time instead of asking him to take a chill pill I decided to take a different approach . " I know you do , " I said " Just tell me why ? Every day people here claim they love me . I know you are different , but I just want you to tell me why it should mean more coming from you . I want to know why you love me . " He then started talking in great detail about various character traits that he had seen in me ; he talked about how he had noticed them in me and why they were important to him . He reminded me of things that I had told him and experiences that we had together that had increased his feelings for me . Just as I was starting to feel a little insecure that maybe he only loved me for my ' Sweet spirit " he told me that he thought I was beautiful and that he had put my picture as the wallpaper on his phone . When he had said all he wanted to say , I was quiet for a few minutes , thinking of how I should respond . In all honesty I felt the same way about him and could have given him just as long of a list . I could have told him how my soul had longed for someone who would be as sure of his love for me and as confident in his desire to move forward as he was . I could have told him how I trusted him , how I could see the goodness in his heart and the proof of it in his actions . I could have told him how his optimism and continual smile brightened my day and made me feel so much more capable myself . I could have told him that I loved him . Finally I knew how to answer . " So are you going to kiss me now or are you going to leave me hanging all night … " Every week I went to get a large jug of drinking water for our apartment at Gapco . The man that works there is an Indian man and he seems very friendly . On this particular day as I was waiting for the water he asked me how long I was going to be in Uganda . I told him and he told me he would like to take me on a date . I was caught completely off guard by that and wasn 't sure how I was going to answer , then he asked me if I would be willing to meet him at the Rainforest Lodge . We can have something to eat and go swimming if you like he told me . The Rainforest Lodge is a beautiful lodge in the middle of the rainforest . I had never been there before but I had heard about how incredible it was . I also knew it was the most expensive place in town and that I probably wouldn 't afford a trip there on my own . I was also pleased that he wasn 't suggesting that he pick me up but that I meet him , in a public place , so I figured what would it hurt , I might as well go . Joseph and I had been talking on the phone for a few minutes every night so I told him that I would be coming to the Rainforest and since it was almost halfway to Jinja I might as well continue on and come see him . It had been several days since we had seen each other . So we agreed to meet at the chapel near Two Friends . That morning I went to a school to volunteer for the day . It was good but also a little overwhelming . There were so many children and each one of them wanted to hold my hand . At one point there were about 60 children all clustered around me , each one trying to get closer than the other and all of them trying to hold my hand , or my dress , or touch my hair . For a person who doesn 't much like to be touched it was pushing my boundaries about as far as I could take them . Finally when they got so many and the weight of them started to make it impossible to walk , I found myself losing my balance I started falling over so I stopped and made them let go . " Gende , Gende " ( go away ) I said , and then feeling a little bad I felt like I should explain " You are too many ! " Then 60 little voices followed me all around the school chanting " you are too many , you are too many " I had to smile . It was touching and also a bit saddening to see the conditions of the school . The crowded classroom had no lights , just the light that came through the openings for windows that had no glass . Benches resembling those that children in Colonial America had used were crowded with far too many children . There were no books , except one little notebook for each child . The children sang for me and I taught them some new songs . Finally it came time for me to leave the school and head to the Rainforest lodge , Although I wasn 't really interested in the guy , I was still excited about the date . The long walk to the lodge was beautiful , I saw monkeys swinging from the trees and everywhere was beautiful butterflies in the most vibrant of colors . I arrived before my date and recognized a friend who had come to enjoy the quiet of the lodge to get some work done . We visited until my date arrived . The lodge was comfortable and clean in a way that I hadn 't often experienced in Uganda . My date arrived and we decided to head to the swimming pool to do some swimming , we would have dinner later . As we were walking through the beautiful , secluded pathways he reached for my hand , I pulled it away , but he tried again . I pulled it away again and said " no . " I felt so uncomfortable ; I had never had to do that before on a date . We continued to the pool and I enjoyed cooling off in the water as I hadn 't been swimming since I arrived . Again in the water he tried to touch me and to hold my hand and each time I pulled away shaking my head and saying " no " Finally I couldn 't take anymore so I told him " you know what I need to be heading back , I have another appointment . " He offered to drive me but I told him that my work had already sent a boda boda to get me . He asked if we could take a picture together and I agreed . He stood behind me and put his arms around me hugging me to him and putting his cheek against mine , I tried to pull away but he held me there . After the picture he continued to hold me close to him and we started walking . I didn 't know what to do , I didn 't know how to get him to let go of me without bringing it to a full fight and I didn 't feel like I would win . I waited until we were in a more populated area and then I pulled away from him more forcefully . He finally let go of me and I headed to the front gate . I found a boda boda and started driving back to the main road . I felt like crying . AS we rode the boda driver said , " Mazungu , are you married ? " I told him I wasn 't and he asked how old I was . I told him and then he said , I think you are good for me . You should marry me and take me to America . People often made comments like that to me but after what I had just been through I didn 't feel capable of laughing it off . " Why ? " I said , " You don 't even know me all you see is my white skin and you think I have money , that 's all you want . How do you know I wouldn 't be a horrible wife ? How do you know I wouldn 't beat you and yell at you ? You don 't want to marry me " " Do you know how many times a day I get asked that question ? " I asked him . " I wish people here would see more than my white skin . " He continued talking but I was finished with that conversation and I just listened refusing to argue any further with him . He dropped me off with a friendly smile and a wave and left me to board the taxi headed for Jinja . I would be so glad to arrive and see Joseph . On the taxi , they had squeezed five of us on to a seat made for 3 . The man seated next to me kept getting closer even than I felt he needed to . He kept trying to lay his head on my shoulder and touch my hair . Finally he said , " Mazungu , give me your contacts . " I stared straight ahead , afraid I would cry if I had to go through this all over again . Who knew that adoration could also be a form of racism ? I was DONE being " Mazungu " being loved for the color of my skin , being shouted at everywhere I went from children , to adults , I was tired of being told to buy people drinks or to give people my watch , or being hassled by shop keepers and taxi and boda drivers , I was tired of my race defining who I was . " Because I don 't want to . I don 't know you and I don 't want to know you . " I thought perhaps my curt reply would put him off but I was not so lucky . Others on the taxi were starting to look at us . I continued to refuse to look at him and eventually stopped answering him altogether . Finally after what seemed an eternity I arrived at Two Friends and got off the taxi . As soon as the taxi left a man approached me . " Mazungu , " he said , " be my girlfriend . " I stood on the corner waiting for Joseph and fighting back tears . I wanted to go home . I didn 't want to stay here one more minute . I didn 't even want to see Joseph . I didn 't even know why I was going on a date with him anyway . He was no different than all those others ; I had just somehow fallen for his advances when I hadn 't the others . I needed to put a stop to all of this and I needed to go home . I closed my eyes wishing that when I opened them I would be home and praying that no one else would speak to me . If one more person told me they loved me I would probably gauge their eyes out with my bare hands . " I 'm sorry I 'm late " He said , I was on the taxi and it was taking so long I almost jumped out and took a boda boda to try to get here faster . But I brought this for you . " He pulled a Snickers bar from his pocket and handed it to me . I had told him on our first date that I loved Snickers , but I had not seen one in Uganda . I was impressed that he had remembered and tracked one down for me . As we walked I poured out my woes about my day . Starting with the children , pulling on me and almost tackling me in the desire to be close to me . As I told him he laughed . " Why are you laughing ? " I asked genuinely perplexed as to why my sorry situation would have him in stitches . He took me to Forever Resort and we sat on the banks of the river and watched the sun go down . He told me about his Grandma who had died recently of Alzheimer 's . He said that towards the end she didn 't remember anyone . The last time he had gone to see her she had been unable to feed herself and he got to sit and feed her . As she ate she opened her eyes and looked at him , then she smiled " Joseph , she said , you look so much like your father , he always loved you best . " She died the next day . Joseph told me he would always cherish the fact that he got that chance to care for her and that in that final moment she remembered who he was . It was a beautiful story and I made a mental note to watch The Notebook with him . We ordered a pizza and some sodas and sat and ate and continued to talk . He told me about how shocked he was when he returned from his mission in South Africa and saw the living conditions in Uganda . Even though it was his home he was ashamed and embarrassed to see the contrast of how people here lived compared to how they did in other countries . His own family had suffered some serious financial losses and he returned to find his home and everything they had owned gone . He spent his first night home sleeping on the floor .

Are you ready to hear more about Sundar Singh 's journeys ? Our Sunday School teacher told us the rest of his story this morning . Sundar spent the rest of his life traveling wherever God sent him . He felt a special burden in his heart for the people of Tibet , and he tried to go there whenever he could . He knew how dangerous the trip was , but he was not afraid to die . He told people that one day they may hear that he had died in Tibet , but to not look at it as though he had died . He wanted people to remember that when his body had died , his soul would be alive with Jesus forever . God had many places for Sundar to preach . As people in the West heard about this preacher who traveled the countryside on foot , wearing a traditional robe , and walking barefoot , they were curious . They wanted to know more . They wanted Sundar to come and preach in their churches . So , Sundar did . He preached all over India . He traveled to Nepal , Burma , Singapore , Japan , China , Malaysia , Sri Lanka , Scotland , Ireland , the United States , Australia , Egypt , Israel , Switzerland , Germany , Sweden , Norway , and Denmark . He wrote books and received countless letters from people who wanted to ask him questions and learn more about God . Sundar knew what it was like to be poisoned , imprisoned , and tortured , and he knew what it was like to preach in huge churches to thousands of people who couldn 't wait to see him . When he suffered , he prayed and asked God for the strength to do whatever he had to do . When he was praised and honored , he didn 't forget God . He knew that God was the One who had sent him to the big churches , just like He had sent him to the tiny villages . Someone asked Sundar one time how he felt about all the honor and respect people showed him . He told the story from the Bible when Jesus rode the donkey into Jerusalem and the people praised Him . The donkey got to walk on the cloaks the people threw down because he carried Jesus . The donkey was treated special because of who he carried . Sundar said it was the same with him . People treated him special , not because of who Sundar was , but because of how special Jesus was , and that is the message Sundar carried . In April , 1929 , Sundar left once again for Tibet . He was thirty - nine years old , and he could hardly wait to reach Tibet and preach . He stopped on his way and asked the superintendent of a leper hospital to mail a letter for him . The letter was to a friend and missionary in New Zealand . In the letter , Sundar told him that he was traveling to Tibet and did not know if he would return . He asked his friend to come take care of his house if he did not . In November , the papers reported that Sundar had disappeared . His friends went into the mountains to look for him , but they never found him . We don 't know if Sundar slipped and fell in the icy mountains or if perhaps a village leader got angry about his preaching and killed him . Today , only God knows what really happened to Sundar on his last journey into Tibet , but we can know one thing . We can know that Sundar 's body is dead but that he is alive with Jesus now and forever . That is the message he crossed the Himalayas and traveled around the world to tell people - that there is only one way to know for sure what will happen after you die , and that is to believe in Jesus , the only One who died and came back to life and can offer each of us eternal life with Him . All we have to do is ask . " Dear God , thank You for the life and courage of Sundar Singh . Thank you for sending him to people all over the world to tell them about Your love for them . Please help me to go wherever You send me , whether it is to my neighbor 's or the library or even the grocery store . Help me show people how much You love them and tell them that all they have to do to be forgiven and for You to make them new people is to ask You . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , Tibet . Leave a comment I 've been thinking about Sundar all this week , wondering how - or if - he would ever be rescued . We found out this morning in Sunday School what happened . He spent three nights at the bottom of that awful , dirty , well . Then finally , he heard someone take the cover off the top . Whoever it was lowered a rope to him . He clung to it with the little bit of strength he had left . The stranger pulled him to safety , put the cover back on the well , and disappeared . Sundar never saw who it was . Sundar crawled to some bushes , hid himself there , and fell asleep . Hours later , when he was strong enough , he cleaned up in a stream and washed his clothes . He was so thankful God had sent someone to rescue him , and he wondered what God wanted him to do next . As he prayed and waited , he realized God wanted him to go back to the same people who had thrown him in the well and tell them more about Him . When Sundar appeared back in the village , the people were shocked . They thought he was dead . The leader grew very angry - someone had betrayed him and rescued Sundar . They arrested and questioned him again , but Sundar didn 't know who had saved him . The leader was furious - the traitor had to be punished . All of a sudden , one of the men realized there was only one key to the well , and it hung on the village leader 's belt . The leader knew he hadn 't rescued Sundar , and he hadn 't given the key to anyone else . The only answer was that the God Sundar served had real power . That scared the village leader very much , and he ordered Sundar to leave his town and never come back . Sundar left and continued preaching until it was time to leave again for India . But it would not be Sundar 's last journey to Tibet . A few months later , he would cross the mountains to preach once again . " Dear God , please help us be brave and trust You no matter what . Thank You that You are stronger than anyone and anything else and that You will never ever leave us . In Jesus ' Name I pray . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , Tibet . Leave a comment The religious leader ordered that his assistant be beaten very , very badly . When the men were done , they threw him outside on a pile of garbage to die . But that 's not what happened . God made him strong enough to crawl off of the garbage pile and get away . After his body had healed from the beating , he did something no one could have expected . He went back into the town that had tried to kill him . The people were so scared - they knew there had to be a reason that he hadn 't died like he was supposed to , but they didn 't understand who or what could have healed him . So , they decided to stay out of his way . He was allowed to keep traveling and telling people about Jesus . Sundar was amazed by the story and asked the visitor if he knew how Sundar could meet him . The man announced - it was him ! He showed Sundar and Tarnyed Ali that he still had Kartar 's Bible with the verse written inside of it . They talked and prayed together all that night . The next day , Sundar and Tarnyed Ali began walking back to the missionaries ' village where Sundar and Tarnyed Ali had met . When they reached it , Sundar left him with the missionaries and began walking again . He met another man named Susil , who convinced Sundar that he needed to go to college . Sundar went for a little while , but he didn 't like it . He knew that was not where God was calling him to be . Soon , Sundar was back on the trail that would lead him to Tibet once again . One day , when the people of a village got angry with him for preaching about Jesus , they told him to leave . Sundar asked a woman which way he should go , and the woman told him . Sundar started walking that way , but a few hours later , he realized the woman had lied to him . There were no more villages in the direction she 'd told him . There was just the trail he was walking on and a dead end at the edge of a huge , icy river . He could not get across . Sundar collapsed . He didn 't know what to do . The people of the village behind him didn 't want to listen to him , and there was no way to get across the river . He felt like no one on earth cared if he lived or died . He prayed and cried , and the next time he looked up , he saw a man on the other side of the river . The man was sitting by a warm fire . As Sundar watched , the man stood up and stepped into the icy river . The water was freezing and it was moving so fast , but the man didn 't slow down . He kept walking across the river . The cold water grew higher and higher until it was up to his shoulders . The man stepped out of the river and told Sundar to climb up and sit on his shoulders . He reached out his hand and pulled Sundar up . Then he went back into the river . When they reached the other side , he helped Sundar down . Sundar closed his eyes to pray , and when he opened them again , the man was gone . There was nowhere the man could have gone so quickly . Sundar knew that God had sent him to help and to let Sundar know that he was not alone after all . God never forgot about him , and He always cared about what happened to him . Sundar traveled further into Tibet , but he found that many people didn 't want to hear about Jesus . Then , in one town , the people did listen . They asked questions and let Sundar answer - until their religious leaders showed up . The leaders told them not to listen to Sundar , and the people started yelling at Sundar . They arrested him and took him to their chief religious officer . He was accused of preaching a different religion . Sundar could not deny it ; the reason he had come to Tibet was to tell people about Jesus . The leader sentenced him to die . They took Sundar and threw him into a dirty , filthy , well . Then they left him there . One day went by and then another . Sundar wanted to give up . God hadn 't sent someone to carry him out of this awful place , like He had back at the river , and he didn 't know why . What if this was the last village he ever got to tell about Jesus ? " Dear God , please help us to trust You always , even when things are terrible and we want to give up . Please help us remember that You always have a plan , even when we cannot see it . You promised in Romans 8 : 28 that You work good out of every situation , no matter how awful . Even when Jesus died on the cross , You had a plan . You knew He would come back to life and save everyone who trusts Him . Help us trust You today . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , what else could go wrong . Leave a comment This morning , our Sunday School teacher told us what happened to the man who hit Sundar in the head with a rock . Sundar knew the men thought he would be angry and wish for something bad to happen to them , but he knew that wasn 't the right thing to do . Instead , he prayed and asked God to forgive them and then he washed his face and sat down to wait for the blood to stop running from his head . Not much later , the man who had thrown the rock at Sundar fell to the ground . He had the worst headache he had ever had ! Sundar knew that everyone would think it was because Sundar had wished something bad to happen to him , so he decided to do something the men would not expect . He went over to where the farmers were working and started doing the other man 's job . He worked alongside of them the rest of the day . When the day was over , the man who had hurt Sundar invited him to his house . He brought all of the farmers together and Sundar got to tell them about Jesus . The next day , Sundar started on his way to another village , but the man told him to please come back and tell him more the next time he was traveling that way . Sundar kept walking ; he knew God was calling him to preach in Tibet . He met some missionaries in a village who started teaching him the Tibetan language , but it was a hard language , and Sundar knew it would be very difficult for him to learn enough of it to preach to the people . He was so happy when the missionaries decided that another man names Tarnyed Ali who translated for them should go with Sundar on his journey . Together , Sundar and Tarnyed Ali set off for Tibet . The people in the next village they reached were not happy to hear about God at all . They were angry . They would not let them stay , and they even chased them out of their towns . One night when Sundar and Tarnyed Ali needed someplace to sleep , they found a little hut that appeared to be empty . It didn 't look like anyone was living there , so they went inside for shelter . Not long after they started to settle in , a man appeared at the door . Sundar thought this man must own the house and he quickly apologized . The man explained that the house was abandoned ; he just stopped for a rest and some shelter sometimes while he was traveling , just like Sundar and Tarnyed Ali were doing . They all sat together around the fire and began to talk . Sundar hoped he could tell him about Jesus . The man said his name was Norbu . He told them he had known another man who used to be a Sikh and had left his family and everything he had to follow Jesus and tell others about Him . His name was Kartar , and just like Sundar , he traveled from village to village . Many people didn 't want to listen to him and chased him from their villages . In one village , they arrested him and sentenced him to die . They treated him terribly and he suffered a great deal , but no matter what they did , Kartar kept praying and singing to God . He wanted to use every last breath to tell people about how much Jesus loved them . Just before he died , he wrote a verse in the front of his Bible . Later that day , he died . But because of the way Kartar had died , not afraid and not wanting revenge on the people who were hurting him , the personal assistant of the leading religious man in the village - the leader who had sentenced Kartar to die - took the Bible and started to read it . Then he started telling others about Jesus . The religious leader was so angry ! Killing Kartar was supposed to end all this talk about Jesus , but instead more people wanted to hear . When he found out it was his own assistant who was spreading the truth about God , he was really angry ! " Dear God , please help us to have good friends who love You and want to obey You , like Sundar did . Just like he and Samuel traveled together for a while , and Sundar and Tarnyed Ali walked and preached together , please help us to see the friends You have sent to us and please help us to be a true friend to them and to others . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh . Leave a comment Today in Sunday School , we learned about what happened next to Sundar Singh . God kept him safe that night in the wilderness , and the next night , and the next . Sundar kept walking and telling everyone he could about God 's love . Sometimes he would meet very religious men who were trying to do lots of " good things " to earn God 's grace . Sundar tried to help them understand that no one can ever be " good " enough on their own . God is the only One who is always perfect . We can never be perfect all of the time , no matter how hard we try . We will make mistakes , and God knows that . He wants us to do our best , but He knows we can 't make it to Heaven on our own . That 's why He sent Jesus to die for our mistakes . God takes Jesus ' perfection and credits it to us . It 's like if you owed a huge bill and couldn 't pay it . What if you owed someone one trillion dollars ? Could you ever work hard enough or earn enough allowance money to pay a bill that huge ? Probably not , and even if you could , the debt we owe God is even bigger . So when we ask Jesus to save us and trust in His love , God marks our bill , " Paid in Full . " Sundar traveled over the Khyber Pass into Afghanistan , then back to the Jammu and Kashmir region of India . He met another Christian named Samuel Stokes who dressed like a sadhu as he did , and they traveled together all through the winter . When spring came , Sundar got very sick . Samuel found an Englishman who owned a home and offered to let them both stay with him until Sundar was well . The Englishman didn 't really care to talk about God or sin , but as time passed , he started to listen to what Sundar and Samuel had to say . The more he listened , the more questions he asked them . By the time Sundar was healthy again , the man had decided to believe in Jesus ! Sundar and Samuel worked and traveled together for a while longer until Samuel decided to go to the United States . Samuel wanted to talk to people about joining them in India and helping people hear about Jesus . Sundar kept walking from village to village , telling people about Jesus . One day he was telling some farmers about God when someone threw a rock and hit Sundar in the head ! The man 's friends were scared - what would Sundar do ? " Dear God , thank You for sending Jesus to pay for all the things I do wrong . Please help me to do my best for You because I love You , not because I 'm trying to work my way to Heaven . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh . Leave a comment Finally this morning at Sunday School our teacher told us what happened to Sundar Singh that night he lay sick from the poison . Sundar had just heard the doctor say that there was nothing else that could be done for him . The doctor was sure he would not live through the night . But Sundar didn 't want to die . He knew there were things God still wanted him to do . There were people he needed to tell about Jesus and His love . So whenever Sundar was awake , he prayed and asked God to heal him and make him well again . When morning came , Sundar was still alive . Not only that , his stomach didn 't hurt anymore and he didn 't feel terrible like he had . People could hardly believe it ! The doctor came a few hours later to plan the funeral and instead found Sundar healthy and sitting outside in the sunshine ! Sundar knew God had healed him . Sundar went back to school , but when the people who had poisoned him found out that he didn 't die , they came and caused trouble at his school . So Sundar left again , this time going to a hospital for people with leprosy . The hospital was run by Christians and Sundar was happy to help . While Sundar was there he realized something important . Most of his people looked at Christianity as something that was just for Westerners , people who came to his country from Great Britain , the United States , and other countries . They didn 't think Jesus had anything in common with Indians . Sundar needed to find a way to change that . He wanted to show people that Jesus loved everyone - whether Westerners or Indians or anyone else . Just like Jesus had followers from many different lands , Jesus wanted people in every town and village to know that He loved them , that He died for them , and that He had risen again . So Sundar decided to do something he didn 't think anyone else had ever done before . He decided to dress like a sadhu . A sadhu was a holy man in the religion of many of the people . They wore saffron ( orange ) robes and taught the people about religion . But Sundar would wear the saffron robes and teach the people about Jesus . He purchased the robe and started out on a journey , walking from town to town . Now when Sundar started talking to people , they listened because he looked like a sadhu . But when they found out he was a Christian , most of them wouldn 't listen . Still , some did , and that encouraged Sundar to keep telling everyone he could about Jesus . He never knew who would listen and choose to believe in Jesus . A lot of times Sundar was kicked out of the villages . No one would give him a place to sleep or anything to eat , and he spent many nights cold and hungry . Sometimes people got angry with him . One night when Sundar had found an abandoned hut to sleep in , he had an unexpected visitor . A villager came and warned him that there was a plot to kill him . He couldn 't stay in the hut any longer . Sundar picked up his blanket and set off into the wilderness . He knew what kinds of animals lived out there . Just one bite from a dangerous snake could kill him . And there were always the tigers . But it wasn 't the first time that he needed to risk his life to tell people about Jesus . " Dear God , it hurts our feelings when people don 't like us because we believe in You , and it makes us sad that they don 't know You yet . Please help us to keep learning all we can about You so that we can share it with others . Please help us to remember that You are always with us , no matter who likes us and who doesn 't . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " Have you ever felt like you didn 't have any friends ? Even though it is never true because Jesus will always be your friend , it 's easy to feel lonely when you don 't have anyone to hang out with or do things with . That 's how Sundar Singh felt after his family and friends got mad at him for believing in Jesus . Our Sunday School teacher told us more of Sundar 's story today . With his family and his friends all angry with him , school became the only place Sundar enjoyed . His teachers prayed with him and helped him learn more about what it really meant to be a Christian . They told him not to give up and to keep standing for Jesus . And do you know what happened ? The other boys began to notice . Some of them were angry , like his old friends who bullied him because he was a Christian now , but three boys decided to believe in Jesus , too . Sundar was so happy ! But now that there were four Sikh boys who had chosen to believe in Jesus , the town got really angry . It had been bad enough that Sundar had chosen to believe in Jesus , but they would not put up with four boys believing in Him . The townspeople forced the Christian school to close and convinced two of the new Christians to give up their faith in Christ . One boy named Gurdit wouldn 't stop believing in Jesus . He ran to a mission far away where he could be safe . But later , some people Gurdit knew convinced him to come back to his home town . When he did , someone killed him . Sundar couldn 't believe how many awful things had happened . He must have wondered if things would ever get any better . He took a train to another city and started going to a Christian boarding school where he lived while going to high school . Then he got a letter from his family . They wanted him to come home . He didn 't know what to do . He was scared . When Gurdit had gone home , someone had killed him . Would someone kill him to ? He prayed a lot and finally decided that God wanted him to go home and see his family . While he was there , his uncle showed him a treasure of money and jewels that he said he would give to Sundar if he would quit following Jesus . Sundar said no . Then an important leader offered him a very special job that would pay a lot of money and would make him look very important - but only if he stopped believing in Jesus . Sundar said no again . There was one more thing Sundar could do to let the people know that he had no intention of giving up his love of Jesus . Sikh boys were not allowed to cut their hair . It grew long and was twisted up inside the turban that they wore . Even though he knew what it would mean , Sundar cut his hair . When his father found out , he was furious ! He said once and for all that Sundar was no longer part of the family . His family would pretend he had never been born . Sundar was thrown out of the house and told to never come back . It would be like he no longer had a father or brothers . Sundar was so sad . He loved his family , and he didn 't want to leave them , but he loved Jesus more . Jesus had told His followers in the Bible that sometimes following Him would mean their families would be angry . There was only one place left Sundar could think of to go - back to the boarding school . He bought a train ticket and started back . But he started to not feel very good . His stomach hurt , and he threw up . But it was different than when you throw up from having the flu . This time when Sundar threw up , he realized what had happened - someone had poisoned him . Someone was trying to kill him , just like they had killed Gurdit . He knew he would not live long enough to make it back to the boarding school . He prayed that God would help him . That 's when he remembered that the very next stop the train was scheduled to make was in a town where one of his Christian teachers from his old school lived . Sundar got off the train , went to the teacher 's home , and collapsed . When he woke up later , he heard the doctor telling the teacher that there was nothing else to be done for him . Sundar would not live through the night . " Dear God , please help us obey and follow You , no matter what . Thank You for the friends and the people in our lives who love You and believe in You , too . Please help us when we feel lonely to trust You , and please help everyone whose family and friends don 't know You yet to be patient and to keep praying and trusting in You . Please help everyone to trust in You . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . "

Are you ready to hear more about Sundar Singh 's journeys ? Our Sunday School teacher told us the rest of his story this morning . Sundar spent the rest of his life traveling wherever God sent him . He felt a special burden in his heart for the people of Tibet , and he tried to go there whenever he could . He knew how dangerous the trip was , but he was not afraid to die . He told people that one day they may hear that he had died in Tibet , but to not look at it as though he had died . He wanted people to remember that when his body had died , his soul would be alive with Jesus forever . God had many places for Sundar to preach . As people in the West heard about this preacher who traveled the countryside on foot , wearing a traditional robe , and walking barefoot , they were curious . They wanted to know more . They wanted Sundar to come and preach in their churches . So , Sundar did . He preached all over India . He traveled to Nepal , Burma , Singapore , Japan , China , Malaysia , Sri Lanka , Scotland , Ireland , the United States , Australia , Egypt , Israel , Switzerland , Germany , Sweden , Norway , and Denmark . He wrote books and received countless letters from people who wanted to ask him questions and learn more about God . Sundar knew what it was like to be poisoned , imprisoned , and tortured , and he knew what it was like to preach in huge churches to thousands of people who couldn 't wait to see him . When he suffered , he prayed and asked God for the strength to do whatever he had to do . When he was praised and honored , he didn 't forget God . He knew that God was the One who had sent him to the big churches , just like He had sent him to the tiny villages . Someone asked Sundar one time how he felt about all the honor and respect people showed him . He told the story from the Bible when Jesus rode the donkey into Jerusalem and the people praised Him . The donkey got to walk on the cloaks the people threw down because he carried Jesus . The donkey was treated special because of who he carried . Sundar said it was the same with him . People treated him special , not because of who Sundar was , but because of how special Jesus was , and that is the message Sundar carried . In April , 1929 , Sundar left once again for Tibet . He was thirty - nine years old , and he could hardly wait to reach Tibet and preach . He stopped on his way and asked the superintendent of a leper hospital to mail a letter for him . The letter was to a friend and missionary in New Zealand . In the letter , Sundar told him that he was traveling to Tibet and did not know if he would return . He asked his friend to come take care of his house if he did not . In November , the papers reported that Sundar had disappeared . His friends went into the mountains to look for him , but they never found him . We don 't know if Sundar slipped and fell in the icy mountains or if perhaps a village leader got angry about his preaching and killed him . Today , only God knows what really happened to Sundar on his last journey into Tibet , but we can know one thing . We can know that Sundar 's body is dead but that he is alive with Jesus now and forever . That is the message he crossed the Himalayas and traveled around the world to tell people - that there is only one way to know for sure what will happen after you die , and that is to believe in Jesus , the only One who died and came back to life and can offer each of us eternal life with Him . All we have to do is ask . " Dear God , thank You for the life and courage of Sundar Singh . Thank you for sending him to people all over the world to tell them about Your love for them . Please help me to go wherever You send me , whether it is to my neighbor 's or the library or even the grocery store . Help me show people how much You love them and tell them that all they have to do to be forgiven and for You to make them new people is to ask You . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , Tibet . Leave a comment I 've been thinking about Sundar all this week , wondering how - or if - he would ever be rescued . We found out this morning in Sunday School what happened . He spent three nights at the bottom of that awful , dirty , well . Then finally , he heard someone take the cover off the top . Whoever it was lowered a rope to him . He clung to it with the little bit of strength he had left . The stranger pulled him to safety , put the cover back on the well , and disappeared . Sundar never saw who it was . Sundar crawled to some bushes , hid himself there , and fell asleep . Hours later , when he was strong enough , he cleaned up in a stream and washed his clothes . He was so thankful God had sent someone to rescue him , and he wondered what God wanted him to do next . As he prayed and waited , he realized God wanted him to go back to the same people who had thrown him in the well and tell them more about Him . When Sundar appeared back in the village , the people were shocked . They thought he was dead . The leader grew very angry - someone had betrayed him and rescued Sundar . They arrested and questioned him again , but Sundar didn 't know who had saved him . The leader was furious - the traitor had to be punished . All of a sudden , one of the men realized there was only one key to the well , and it hung on the village leader 's belt . The leader knew he hadn 't rescued Sundar , and he hadn 't given the key to anyone else . The only answer was that the God Sundar served had real power . That scared the village leader very much , and he ordered Sundar to leave his town and never come back . Sundar left and continued preaching until it was time to leave again for India . But it would not be Sundar 's last journey to Tibet . A few months later , he would cross the mountains to preach once again . " Dear God , please help us be brave and trust You no matter what . Thank You that You are stronger than anyone and anything else and that You will never ever leave us . In Jesus ' Name I pray . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , Tibet . Leave a comment The religious leader ordered that his assistant be beaten very , very badly . When the men were done , they threw him outside on a pile of garbage to die . But that 's not what happened . God made him strong enough to crawl off of the garbage pile and get away . After his body had healed from the beating , he did something no one could have expected . He went back into the town that had tried to kill him . The people were so scared - they knew there had to be a reason that he hadn 't died like he was supposed to , but they didn 't understand who or what could have healed him . So , they decided to stay out of his way . He was allowed to keep traveling and telling people about Jesus . Sundar was amazed by the story and asked the visitor if he knew how Sundar could meet him . The man announced - it was him ! He showed Sundar and Tarnyed Ali that he still had Kartar 's Bible with the verse written inside of it . They talked and prayed together all that night . The next day , Sundar and Tarnyed Ali began walking back to the missionaries ' village where Sundar and Tarnyed Ali had met . When they reached it , Sundar left him with the missionaries and began walking again . He met another man named Susil , who convinced Sundar that he needed to go to college . Sundar went for a little while , but he didn 't like it . He knew that was not where God was calling him to be . Soon , Sundar was back on the trail that would lead him to Tibet once again . One day , when the people of a village got angry with him for preaching about Jesus , they told him to leave . Sundar asked a woman which way he should go , and the woman told him . Sundar started walking that way , but a few hours later , he realized the woman had lied to him . There were no more villages in the direction she 'd told him . There was just the trail he was walking on and a dead end at the edge of a huge , icy river . He could not get across . Sundar collapsed . He didn 't know what to do . The people of the village behind him didn 't want to listen to him , and there was no way to get across the river . He felt like no one on earth cared if he lived or died . He prayed and cried , and the next time he looked up , he saw a man on the other side of the river . The man was sitting by a warm fire . As Sundar watched , the man stood up and stepped into the icy river . The water was freezing and it was moving so fast , but the man didn 't slow down . He kept walking across the river . The cold water grew higher and higher until it was up to his shoulders . The man stepped out of the river and told Sundar to climb up and sit on his shoulders . He reached out his hand and pulled Sundar up . Then he went back into the river . When they reached the other side , he helped Sundar down . Sundar closed his eyes to pray , and when he opened them again , the man was gone . There was nowhere the man could have gone so quickly . Sundar knew that God had sent him to help and to let Sundar know that he was not alone after all . God never forgot about him , and He always cared about what happened to him . Sundar traveled further into Tibet , but he found that many people didn 't want to hear about Jesus . Then , in one town , the people did listen . They asked questions and let Sundar answer - until their religious leaders showed up . The leaders told them not to listen to Sundar , and the people started yelling at Sundar . They arrested him and took him to their chief religious officer . He was accused of preaching a different religion . Sundar could not deny it ; the reason he had come to Tibet was to tell people about Jesus . The leader sentenced him to die . They took Sundar and threw him into a dirty , filthy , well . Then they left him there . One day went by and then another . Sundar wanted to give up . God hadn 't sent someone to carry him out of this awful place , like He had back at the river , and he didn 't know why . What if this was the last village he ever got to tell about Jesus ? " Dear God , please help us to trust You always , even when things are terrible and we want to give up . Please help us remember that You always have a plan , even when we cannot see it . You promised in Romans 8 : 28 that You work good out of every situation , no matter how awful . Even when Jesus died on the cross , You had a plan . You knew He would come back to life and save everyone who trusts Him . Help us trust You today . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh , what else could go wrong . Leave a comment This morning , our Sunday School teacher told us what happened to the man who hit Sundar in the head with a rock . Sundar knew the men thought he would be angry and wish for something bad to happen to them , but he knew that wasn 't the right thing to do . Instead , he prayed and asked God to forgive them and then he washed his face and sat down to wait for the blood to stop running from his head . Not much later , the man who had thrown the rock at Sundar fell to the ground . He had the worst headache he had ever had ! Sundar knew that everyone would think it was because Sundar had wished something bad to happen to him , so he decided to do something the men would not expect . He went over to where the farmers were working and started doing the other man 's job . He worked alongside of them the rest of the day . When the day was over , the man who had hurt Sundar invited him to his house . He brought all of the farmers together and Sundar got to tell them about Jesus . The next day , Sundar started on his way to another village , but the man told him to please come back and tell him more the next time he was traveling that way . Sundar kept walking ; he knew God was calling him to preach in Tibet . He met some missionaries in a village who started teaching him the Tibetan language , but it was a hard language , and Sundar knew it would be very difficult for him to learn enough of it to preach to the people . He was so happy when the missionaries decided that another man names Tarnyed Ali who translated for them should go with Sundar on his journey . Together , Sundar and Tarnyed Ali set off for Tibet . The people in the next village they reached were not happy to hear about God at all . They were angry . They would not let them stay , and they even chased them out of their towns . One night when Sundar and Tarnyed Ali needed someplace to sleep , they found a little hut that appeared to be empty . It didn 't look like anyone was living there , so they went inside for shelter . Not long after they started to settle in , a man appeared at the door . Sundar thought this man must own the house and he quickly apologized . The man explained that the house was abandoned ; he just stopped for a rest and some shelter sometimes while he was traveling , just like Sundar and Tarnyed Ali were doing . They all sat together around the fire and began to talk . Sundar hoped he could tell him about Jesus . The man said his name was Norbu . He told them he had known another man who used to be a Sikh and had left his family and everything he had to follow Jesus and tell others about Him . His name was Kartar , and just like Sundar , he traveled from village to village . Many people didn 't want to listen to him and chased him from their villages . In one village , they arrested him and sentenced him to die . They treated him terribly and he suffered a great deal , but no matter what they did , Kartar kept praying and singing to God . He wanted to use every last breath to tell people about how much Jesus loved them . Just before he died , he wrote a verse in the front of his Bible . Later that day , he died . But because of the way Kartar had died , not afraid and not wanting revenge on the people who were hurting him , the personal assistant of the leading religious man in the village - the leader who had sentenced Kartar to die - took the Bible and started to read it . Then he started telling others about Jesus . The religious leader was so angry ! Killing Kartar was supposed to end all this talk about Jesus , but instead more people wanted to hear . When he found out it was his own assistant who was spreading the truth about God , he was really angry ! " Dear God , please help us to have good friends who love You and want to obey You , like Sundar did . Just like he and Samuel traveled together for a while , and Sundar and Tarnyed Ali walked and preached together , please help us to see the friends You have sent to us and please help us to be a true friend to them and to others . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh . Leave a comment Today in Sunday School , we learned about what happened next to Sundar Singh . God kept him safe that night in the wilderness , and the next night , and the next . Sundar kept walking and telling everyone he could about God 's love . Sometimes he would meet very religious men who were trying to do lots of " good things " to earn God 's grace . Sundar tried to help them understand that no one can ever be " good " enough on their own . God is the only One who is always perfect . We can never be perfect all of the time , no matter how hard we try . We will make mistakes , and God knows that . He wants us to do our best , but He knows we can 't make it to Heaven on our own . That 's why He sent Jesus to die for our mistakes . God takes Jesus ' perfection and credits it to us . It 's like if you owed a huge bill and couldn 't pay it . What if you owed someone one trillion dollars ? Could you ever work hard enough or earn enough allowance money to pay a bill that huge ? Probably not , and even if you could , the debt we owe God is even bigger . So when we ask Jesus to save us and trust in His love , God marks our bill , " Paid in Full . " Sundar traveled over the Khyber Pass into Afghanistan , then back to the Jammu and Kashmir region of India . He met another Christian named Samuel Stokes who dressed like a sadhu as he did , and they traveled together all through the winter . When spring came , Sundar got very sick . Samuel found an Englishman who owned a home and offered to let them both stay with him until Sundar was well . The Englishman didn 't really care to talk about God or sin , but as time passed , he started to listen to what Sundar and Samuel had to say . The more he listened , the more questions he asked them . By the time Sundar was healthy again , the man had decided to believe in Jesus ! Sundar and Samuel worked and traveled together for a while longer until Samuel decided to go to the United States . Samuel wanted to talk to people about joining them in India and helping people hear about Jesus . Sundar kept walking from village to village , telling people about Jesus . One day he was telling some farmers about God when someone threw a rock and hit Sundar in the head ! The man 's friends were scared - what would Sundar do ? " Dear God , thank You for sending Jesus to pay for all the things I do wrong . Please help me to do my best for You because I love You , not because I 'm trying to work my way to Heaven . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " @ WriteBonnieRoseShareTweetLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted by writebonnierose . Categories : Missionary Stories . Tags : India , missionary story for children , Sundar Singh . Leave a comment Finally this morning at Sunday School our teacher told us what happened to Sundar Singh that night he lay sick from the poison . Sundar had just heard the doctor say that there was nothing else that could be done for him . The doctor was sure he would not live through the night . But Sundar didn 't want to die . He knew there were things God still wanted him to do . There were people he needed to tell about Jesus and His love . So whenever Sundar was awake , he prayed and asked God to heal him and make him well again . When morning came , Sundar was still alive . Not only that , his stomach didn 't hurt anymore and he didn 't feel terrible like he had . People could hardly believe it ! The doctor came a few hours later to plan the funeral and instead found Sundar healthy and sitting outside in the sunshine ! Sundar knew God had healed him . Sundar went back to school , but when the people who had poisoned him found out that he didn 't die , they came and caused trouble at his school . So Sundar left again , this time going to a hospital for people with leprosy . The hospital was run by Christians and Sundar was happy to help . While Sundar was there he realized something important . Most of his people looked at Christianity as something that was just for Westerners , people who came to his country from Great Britain , the United States , and other countries . They didn 't think Jesus had anything in common with Indians . Sundar needed to find a way to change that . He wanted to show people that Jesus loved everyone - whether Westerners or Indians or anyone else . Just like Jesus had followers from many different lands , Jesus wanted people in every town and village to know that He loved them , that He died for them , and that He had risen again . So Sundar decided to do something he didn 't think anyone else had ever done before . He decided to dress like a sadhu . A sadhu was a holy man in the religion of many of the people . They wore saffron ( orange ) robes and taught the people about religion . But Sundar would wear the saffron robes and teach the people about Jesus . He purchased the robe and started out on a journey , walking from town to town . Now when Sundar started talking to people , they listened because he looked like a sadhu . But when they found out he was a Christian , most of them wouldn 't listen . Still , some did , and that encouraged Sundar to keep telling everyone he could about Jesus . He never knew who would listen and choose to believe in Jesus . A lot of times Sundar was kicked out of the villages . No one would give him a place to sleep or anything to eat , and he spent many nights cold and hungry . Sometimes people got angry with him . One night when Sundar had found an abandoned hut to sleep in , he had an unexpected visitor . A villager came and warned him that there was a plot to kill him . He couldn 't stay in the hut any longer . Sundar picked up his blanket and set off into the wilderness . He knew what kinds of animals lived out there . Just one bite from a dangerous snake could kill him . And there were always the tigers . But it wasn 't the first time that he needed to risk his life to tell people about Jesus . " Dear God , it hurts our feelings when people don 't like us because we believe in You , and it makes us sad that they don 't know You yet . Please help us to keep learning all we can about You so that we can share it with others . Please help us to remember that You are always with us , no matter who likes us and who doesn 't . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . " Have you ever felt like you didn 't have any friends ? Even though it is never true because Jesus will always be your friend , it 's easy to feel lonely when you don 't have anyone to hang out with or do things with . That 's how Sundar Singh felt after his family and friends got mad at him for believing in Jesus . Our Sunday School teacher told us more of Sundar 's story today . With his family and his friends all angry with him , school became the only place Sundar enjoyed . His teachers prayed with him and helped him learn more about what it really meant to be a Christian . They told him not to give up and to keep standing for Jesus . And do you know what happened ? The other boys began to notice . Some of them were angry , like his old friends who bullied him because he was a Christian now , but three boys decided to believe in Jesus , too . Sundar was so happy ! But now that there were four Sikh boys who had chosen to believe in Jesus , the town got really angry . It had been bad enough that Sundar had chosen to believe in Jesus , but they would not put up with four boys believing in Him . The townspeople forced the Christian school to close and convinced two of the new Christians to give up their faith in Christ . One boy named Gurdit wouldn 't stop believing in Jesus . He ran to a mission far away where he could be safe . But later , some people Gurdit knew convinced him to come back to his home town . When he did , someone killed him . Sundar couldn 't believe how many awful things had happened . He must have wondered if things would ever get any better . He took a train to another city and started going to a Christian boarding school where he lived while going to high school . Then he got a letter from his family . They wanted him to come home . He didn 't know what to do . He was scared . When Gurdit had gone home , someone had killed him . Would someone kill him to ? He prayed a lot and finally decided that God wanted him to go home and see his family . While he was there , his uncle showed him a treasure of money and jewels that he said he would give to Sundar if he would quit following Jesus . Sundar said no . Then an important leader offered him a very special job that would pay a lot of money and would make him look very important - but only if he stopped believing in Jesus . Sundar said no again . There was one more thing Sundar could do to let the people know that he had no intention of giving up his love of Jesus . Sikh boys were not allowed to cut their hair . It grew long and was twisted up inside the turban that they wore . Even though he knew what it would mean , Sundar cut his hair . When his father found out , he was furious ! He said once and for all that Sundar was no longer part of the family . His family would pretend he had never been born . Sundar was thrown out of the house and told to never come back . It would be like he no longer had a father or brothers . Sundar was so sad . He loved his family , and he didn 't want to leave them , but he loved Jesus more . Jesus had told His followers in the Bible that sometimes following Him would mean their families would be angry . There was only one place left Sundar could think of to go - back to the boarding school . He bought a train ticket and started back . But he started to not feel very good . His stomach hurt , and he threw up . But it was different than when you throw up from having the flu . This time when Sundar threw up , he realized what had happened - someone had poisoned him . Someone was trying to kill him , just like they had killed Gurdit . He knew he would not live long enough to make it back to the boarding school . He prayed that God would help him . That 's when he remembered that the very next stop the train was scheduled to make was in a town where one of his Christian teachers from his old school lived . Sundar got off the train , went to the teacher 's home , and collapsed . When he woke up later , he heard the doctor telling the teacher that there was nothing else to be done for him . Sundar would not live through the night . " Dear God , please help us obey and follow You , no matter what . Thank You for the friends and the people in our lives who love You and believe in You , too . Please help us when we feel lonely to trust You , and please help everyone whose family and friends don 't know You yet to be patient and to keep praying and trusting in You . Please help everyone to trust in You . Thank You . In Jesus ' Name . Amen . "

" Get up , Beezer ! " Almandra burst into the room , jumped on his bed , snuggled up next to him and shook him playfully . " What are we gonna do today ? " Beezer loved his little sister . Some children found their younger siblings to be a bit irritating , but he enjoyed Almandra 's enthusiasm . " Well , I thought we could ride our bikes to the park and play basketball and catch frogs … " " Breakfast ! " called Mrs . Gubbins . Almandra leaped out of bed and ran to the kitchen . Beezer stood and raised the shade . Sunlight bathed him with its splendor . Through his squinting eyes he looked at the yard , the sky and the trees . A warm feeling came over him and he smiled . The warmth soon turned into excitement , tickling his stomach as though a hummingbird were flying around in there . He couldn 't help thinking that this would be no ordinary day . The breakfast table was loaded with toast , orange juice , scrambled eggs , pancakes and milk . Mr . Gubbins was stirring his coffee and helping Almandra pour her juice . Mrs . Gubbins was just sitting down as Beezer arrived , last as usual . " Good idea , Tara . I used to have a newspaper route in the neighborhood . I delivered the Tribune to about 50 houses . It was a jolly good way to earn some money . Except that I had to place Mayor Falderal 's paper in his mailbox - he grumped when I tossed it on his lawn . He never tipped me either , the old miser . " Mr . Gubbins laughed . " It takes more than a little penny pinching to afford that place . The town paid him a lot of money for his old property because they wanted to build a park there . So , as unfriendly as he is , he helped make our lovely park possible . " " I 'm going to play golf today , " said Mr . Gubbins , finishing off his coffee . Beezer remembered the time he had accompanied his father to Wright Meadows golf course . He had caught numerous frogs and a few tadpoles , bringing them home to play with the frogs and watch the tadpoles turn into frogs and eventually let them go in Cabriole Pond . Almandra and Beezer went to their rooms to get dressed while Flivver sat in the hallway and waited excitedly for them to finish . Beezer was first to emerge . " C ' mon boy ! " he exclaimed , running to the front door with his canine friend close behind . The garage was still full of the night 's cool air as Beezer and Almandra got on their bikes . Beezer grabbed the basketball and a Frisbee , and put them in the basket between the handlebars . He pedaled away , followed by Almandra and Flivver . Past the houses they rode , staying on the sidewalk except to cross the occasional street . Mr . Tooter was mowing his lawn . Mrs . Yunker was walking little Comella in her stroller . Mr . Wampus was setting up his sprinkler . Mr . and Mrs . Hirple were going somewhere in their car . The sun was bright and the sky was blue , making it a glorious day to be outdoors . In about seven minutes they arrived at Falderal Park . They dropped their bikes and ran for the swings . " We 'll see , " Beezer retorted confidently . Higher and higher they swung themselves , the ground disappearing at the top of each forward arc . Almandra got almost parallel to the ground , but Beezer managed to propel himself a little higher . They slowed down a bit and then let go of the chains , flying through the air and landing on their hands and feet . Then it was off to the jungle gym , the monkey bars and the slide . Flivver had watched them long enough . He scooped up the Frisbee and ran toward his humans , stopping just out of reach . They laughed and shrieked and ran after him . He let them catch him so they could take the Frisbee out of his mouth and throw it to him . With incredible speed he was able to get underneath it and catch it almost every time , bringing it back repeatedly for another throw . " How 're we gonna get it ? " asked Almandra . Beezer looked around for a long stick but didn 't see one . Neither he nor his sister wanted to get their shoes wet , and Flivver didn 't like to swim . Then Beezer got an idea : he took his shoes and socks off and waded in . The water was rather cool and the bottom felt soft and squishy . He was a little apprehensive because he couldn 't see what creatures might be lurking in the depths , but he wasn 't scared because he had been here many times before and had found no snakes or snapping turtles - - only frogs and fish . The water got a little deeper with each step he took , reaching halfway up his thighs when the toy was within his grasp . Then , just as he was about to grab it , he stepped on something small and hard . A rock ? No , too smooth . Curious , he slid his first and second toes around it , made a " fist " with his foot , and lifted it , reaching his hand under the water to take it . As he brought it to the surface he could see that it was a gold pocket watch . " Let me see ! " urged his little sister . Beezer held it out and the two of them stared in wonder at it . Upon closer look they saw that it was running . The second hand was moving , and the time - 10 : 42 - seemed to be correct , although they didn 't know for sure because neither one wore a watch of their own . " Must be water - proof , " Beezer presumed . He flipped it over to see the back . It had a bunch of tiny writing that he couldn 't make out except for the very bottom , which displayed the number 1327 . Beezer stretched and yawned and opened his eyes to see his mother looking down upon him , a cheery smile on her face . Monday mornings were an unpleasant change from weekends , but somehow Mom made everything all right . He sat up , took a deep breath , got out of bed and threw his clothes on quickly because he no longer had his blanket to keep him warm . As he left his room , the gold pocket watch caught his eye . " Maybe there 'll be Show and Tell today , " he thought , grabbing it from the dresser . The fourth grade classroom gradually filled with students . Jackets came off and book bags were opened . After several minutes the bell rang . Miss Hagberry took attendance and then started teaching the first lesson of the day : social studies . The topic was Sri Lanka . Beezer didn 't much care about its customs or the lifestyle of the people or the fact that it used to be called Ceylon , but he listened anyway because what else was there to do ? About twenty minutes into the lecture he felt something warm in his pocket . He reached in and pulled out the watch . He couldn 't figure out why it felt so warm . As he looked up at Miss Hagberry to make sure she didn 't detect him not paying attention , he noticed that the clock on the wall behind her said 8 : 26 . The watch said 8 : 29 . He pulled the knob on the side of the watch , which caused it to come out a little bit with a barely audible click . He set the time back three minutes and pushed the knob in . Then , careful not to get into trouble , he focused his attention toward Miss Hagberry , who continued her lecture , reiterating several facts , including Sri Lanka 's former name . A half hour later the bell mercifully ended class . Everyone got up and left , but not before Miss Hagberry assigned five pages of reading for homework . The students walked down the hallway to Mr . Snoogman 's classroom . He was an odd but good - natured fellow who taught English . Today 's lesson was adjectives . Beezer listened with interest until the watch started heating up again . Discreetly taking it out of his pocket , he looked up at Mr . Snoogman to make sure he wasn 't watching . The clock on the wall behind him said 9 : 20 . The watch said 9 : 16 . Beezer pulled the knob , set the time ahead four minutes , and pushed the knob in . Kester brought the watch right up to his eyes in order to make out the fine print . " 1327 ? Wow ! " He turned it over to look at the face . Beezer looked too . A bubble of solid glass protected the gold hands . Roman numerals encircled the hands , except where there should have been " VI " there were two small rectangles . The bottom one contained the number 2017 , which the boys agreed must indicate the year . The one above it said 292 . What could that be ? " Oh yeah ? Let 's have a look . " Rosco snatched the watch out of Kester 's hand and scrutinized it . " Where 'd you steal this ? " " No , wait , " urged Beezer , afraid that the principal would take the watch away . " See ? I can hold it . Kester can hold it . " Beezer extended his hand toward Kester , who apprehensively took the watch . " Here , hold it again . " Tuesday morning came soon enough . Beezer awoke on his own . For some reason his first thought was about the watch , most likely because of the incident with Rosco . He got up , took it from atop his dresser , got back into bed , and raised the shade a bit so he could see . It looked the same as the day before , except the number 292 was now 293 . Curious as to whether he could change it , he pulled the knob and turned it . Only the minute hand moved . He reset the time and pulled on the knob again . It made another click and came out even further . He turned it toward himself a bit , and the 293 became 292 . Well , that solved that , although it still didn 't solve the mystery of what the number meant . Pushing the knob back in , he lay there in bed and enjoyed a few minutes of restful quiet . Mrs . Hagberry started the day as usual , with a boring social studies lesson . " Today we 're going to learn about Sri Lanka , " she announced . Beezer had been hoping she 'd move on to another topic instead of continuing with the previous day 's , but no such luck . For some reason she chose to start with a review of Monday 's lecture . After stating several dreary facts she asked , " Does anyone know its old name ? " He immediately raised his hand , figuring that most of the other kids would as well , but much to his surprise none of them did - not even Mozzy Schtoonk , who always seemed to remember everything . His other classes also seemed to be mostly review , as he knew just about all the material . He didn 't think too much of it until gym class when , during a game of dodge ball , Rosco threw a ball at Abbozo Glitch . It seemed to him that he 'd seen this before , and he just knew that the ball was going to hit Abbozo in the … " Aaaaah ! " cried poor Abbozo , holding one side of his face . Mr . Bidarko blew the whistle and went over to help the child . Somehow Beezer knew that Mr . Bidarko would send Abbozo to the nurse 's office and that Rosco would claim it was an accident - which it wasn 't . When these predictions came true he wondered : Had he somehow acquired the ability to predict the future ? Or was he dreaming about events that had already happened ? Even the bus ride home seemed eerily familiar . Lorgon Ziff took Kalon Dobbler 's baseball glove and threw it three seats behind him ; Antigula Giblet and Nebula Woober combed each other 's hair ; Zonda Capucci read quietly ; and Bleton Yentz blew a huge bubble with his gum . Beezer could have sworn he 'd seen all these things before . Just then he caught a glimpse of Feluka Demurro holding her art class project . He could picture her dropping it , the figurines breaking off and strewing themselves on the floor . He hurried over just in time to catch it as it fell off her lap . Feluka looked up at him . " Here you go , " he said as he handed it to her . Beezer sat back down and lost himself in thought . He hadn 't predicted that . He had visualized Feluka squatting down and picking up the scattered pieces , but that didn 't happen . Catching the item and handing it to her was something he hadn 't foreseen . It was the first time since he had left his room that morning that anything felt unfamiliar . The familiarity returned at home , in everything from his homework assignment ( which he breezed through ) to what he ate for dinner . When he played hide - and - seek with Almandra he seemed to know exactly where she was hiding : first in the hall closet , then under their parents ' bed , behind the easy chair , and finally in the bathtub . She was very impressed ( and frustrated ) at how quickly he kept finding her . One time when Beezer was " it " she had Mrs . Gubbins watch him count to make sure he wasn 't peeking . At bedtime he got out the watch and studied it . The number above the year still read " 292 " , and he still couldn 't figure out what it meant . He pulled the knob two clicks and turned it back and forth . As he did the number changed , going down as he turned it toward him and up as he turned it away from him . Finally he pushed in the knob . The number read " 293 " . The next morning was fairly typical . Beezer sat as his desk as school started , pencil in hand . Mrs . Hagberry stood up and , instead of starting one of her boring lectures , began handing out papers . When Beezer got his he was shocked at what it was . He couldn 't for the life of him remember any such thing , but seeing as his classmates weren 't complaining , he figured that the announcement had been made and that he had somehow missed it . He turned his attention to the test and had a heck of a time answering questions about material that he hadn 't studied , some of which he didn 't even recognize . ( Where on Earth is Madagascar ? ) It turned out not to be one of his best scholastic accomplishments . On his way to Mrs . Frubble 's music class , Kester caught up with him . " Where are you going ? " he asked . " Mr . Snoogman 's room is the other way . " The rest of the day was rather surreal for Beezer . " How did I miss Tuesday ? " he wondered as he sat on the floor , petting Flivver . It seemed that every time he played with the watch , something weird happened . He pulled it from his pocket and inspected it . The number above the year read " 294 " . Suddenly he remembered the date window in Kester 's wristwatch , and he thought , " Could this be … no , there are never more than 31 days in a month . It would take a whole year to get … ah hah ! It 's the day of the year ! " He turned the watch over to look at the other side . There was some very tiny engraved print , too small to read . He got his mother 's magnifying glass - the one she used for threading needles - and held it up to the watch . The inscription became clear : " What does this mean ? " he thought . " Is it saying that I can go forward or backward in … TIME ! That 's it ! " He remembered hearing part of Mrs . Hagberry 's lesson twice , missing part of Mr . Snoogman 's lecture , and the day when almost everything seemed to have happened before . Now yesterday was apparently gone . He had adjusted the watch just prior to all of these odd incidents . It occurred to him that the watch gave him a power that was both exciting and frightening . What would he do with it ? Journey into the future to see what things will be like ? Relive the past ? Well , there was one important thing to do : go back to Monday night so he could experience the Tuesday he had missed . Beezer suddenly felt all clammy . He had learned about hazardous waste in school , and the thought of having it brought anywhere near him made him very tense . " I don 't want them to bring hazardous waste here ! " he exclaimed . Mr . Gubbins became very serious . " I hope not . I can 't remember what the newspaper article said . If only I hadn 't thrown it away . " When the school bell rang he ran to his bike , threw his books in the basket and made his way to the public library . It was very quiet and a bit dark inside . He could hear his footsteps as he walked to the front desk where an elderly woman wearing glasses on a chain was sitting . " Can I help you ? " she asked . " Certainly , young man . " She led him to a shelving unit containing many stacks of newspapers . Each shelf had a label for each particular newspaper stack . There was the Morning Herald , the Evening Star , the Fairville Post , and others . He remembered his father telling him that the Radcon article had been printed the previous month , and since it was now May , he started with the April 1st issue . He examined the title of each article for anything that mentioned Radcon . After about a dozen issues he started to grow a bit tired and worried . Then he saw it : So it was Mean Mayor Falderal 's fault . The hair on the back of Beezer 's neck stood up . He put the newspaper back where it belonged and walked quickly out the door . Once outside , he ran to his bike and started pedaling . He could feel his blood pump and the wind brush his skin as he crossed fields , sidewalks , streets and parking lots . He didn 't even notice when Velga Pickle almost ran him over with her station wagon . Beezer walked because his mother had always told him not to run indoors . Besides , he was tired from biking across town . When he arrived at the mayor 's office , the secretary , Coquina Fross , was typing a memo . She peered over the top of her horn - rimmed glasses . She disappeared into the office behind her for a minute , then came out and said , " You 're in luck . He has a few minutes before his next appointment . Go right on in . " A feeling of apprehension came over Beezer . The idea of telling the mayor off had seemed like a good one , but now that he was able to actually do it , he was afraid . What would Mean Mayor Falderal do to him ? Would Beezer 's parents be displeased at his speaking unkindly to an adult ? As he walked slowly into the mayor 's office , he was at a loss for words . He hadn 't rehearsed anything . He knew how he felt , but he didn 't know quite how to say it . " Oh , that . It will only be a part of the park , not all of it . We 'll leave the pond and all the playground equipment where they are . " " Life is not all fun and games . Business must go on . Things must be built , and waste must be disposed of . " He looked at his watch . " Now if you 'll excuse me , I have another appointment . " " I am , " he sighed . " The park - I just don 't know what will become of it . " Flivver nuzzled his nose under Beezer 's arm . He seemed to know that Beezer was sad . He appreciated her effort . She was a great little sister and he was happy to have her . " No thanks . If I 'm going to win , I want it to be fair and square . " At bedtime he thought about his conversation with Mayor Falderal . What could he have said that would have made a difference ? Nothing . The mayor was intent on his plans . Beezer felt powerless . Voicing his concerns was not enough . He thought about how Mayor Falderal seemed so cold and impersonal , how his face reddened at the mere mention of pollution in the park , how he focused on business instead of play , how he looked at his watch when he … Beezer sat up in bed . He hadn 't even thought about the gold pocket watch in weeks . He got up and retrieved it from its secret hiding place , which was the bottom of the drawer that contained his favorite baseball cap and the sweaters he never wore . He got back into bed and pulled his shade up a little to let the light from the street lamp in . How could the watch help ? Maybe if he could see the park in the future , he 'd know whether he needed to do anything about it . He pulled the watch knob out one click , then another . This would set the day , but he needed more time . He pulled the knob again , and it clicked a third time . Turning it , the number in the bottom rectangle changed to 2018 , then 2019 , 2020 , 2021 , and finally 2022 . He pushed the knob all the way in . He looked around . Everything seemed the same . It was fairly dark so he couldn 't see much . He would need daylight , so he pulled the knob one click , set the time back to 2 : 00 PM , and pushed it in . The light blinded him . He pulled the covers over his head and lay there until his eyes adjusted to the brightness . He got out of bed and dressed himself . His clothes were too big for him . Of course - they were from five years in the future ! He rolled up his pant legs to shorten them , and tied his sneakers as tightly as he could so they 'd stay on his feet . He opened his bedroom door . Just as he was about to leave he thought , " Wait . What if I 'm supposed to be at school right now ? What if Mom sees me ? How would I explain myself ? " He quietly closed his door , made his bed ( Mrs . Gubbins always made his bed , so he had to hide the evidence that he was here ) , and climbed out the window . Crouching , he made sure there was no one in sight , then took off like a shot toward Falderal Park . To his relief , not much had changed in the neighborhood , though there were definitely some cars he had never seen . The Furnicles had apparently added a second story , and the Bibulas had painted their house green . As he neared the park he worried that someone who knew him would be there , but it was deserted . A large portion of it was fenced off . That would be the waste dump , he thought . He walked toward the swings and the jungle gym . They were dirty and rusty . The grass was brown , not the lush green it had always been at this time of year . He walked down to the pond . All was quiet . There was no chirping , buzzing or croaking . He saw no frogs or fish in the pond , just some brown scum on top . There were no flowers , and the trees seemed to have drooped . " Was . Retired last year . Had grandchildren who went there too . " Beezer remembered saving Feluka 's art class project on the bus . " I walk by the park sometimes . Saw you and wondered why anyone would come in here . " " No one 's played here in years . Can 't blame them . Not a fun place anymore . " He paused . " Well , I 'll be off now . You might not want to stay here too long . " With that he turned and left , kicking up some dust with his boots - the same boots he used to wear when he swept and mopped the school floors . Beezer froze . How would he explain where he 'd been and why he was sneaking around in the back yard ? Before he could say anything , his mother spoke again . Whew ! His mother was talking on the telephone . He breathed a quiet sigh of relief and stood crouched against the house . After about a minute of hearing his mother 's half of the conversation he tiptoed further . Water filled his eyes . A great sadness came over him . He thought of how Flivver would catch Frisbees and chase squirrels even though he could never catch them , how gentle and affectionate he was , how he was the most faithful companion anyone could ever want . He cried uncontrollably , but quietly so as not to let his mother hear him . Except that he didn 't find himself in bed . He was sitting at his desk in school . What had gone wrong ? Wasn 't it bedtime when he had left the present day ? Yes it was , but he had set the watch 's time of day to the afternoon , and he forgot to change it back , so now he was in his last class of the day . Good question . How could Beezer answer that ? Tell the mayor that he had traveled to the future ? That he had climbed out his window and talked to Mr . Demurro and overheard a telephone conversation that hadn 't even happened yet ? He decided to keep it simple . " It 'll pollute the park . " The mayor looked at his watch . " I don 't have time to argue with you . I have an important meeting to attend at the governor 's office . " He stood up , and just before he left he said , " You can walk yourself out . Come back when you have proof that what you claim is true . " Beezer stood there , staring at the floor , frustrated . Why was this project so important to the mayor ? Why didn 't he seem to care what happened to the park ? As he was about to leave , Beezer remembered something from the newspaper article . The contract was negotiated right here on April 7 . If only he could go back in ti - Beezer perked up . He pulled out the watch and set the date back to April 7 . But wait . If he were to appear here during the mayor 's meeting with Radcon , they 'd see him . He had to hide . He looked around and saw a large wooden cabinet . He opened the two doors . A suit and a couple of coats hung on hangers . He got inside , curled up on the floor , pulled the doors closed , and pushed the watch knob in . " I agree , Mr . Mayor . As for the townspeople , what they don 't know won 't hurt them . Not much anyway . So what if we don 't actually have the ability to process the waste ? We 'll just bury it and no one will see it . " Beezer 's eyes widened as the mayor approached . He fumbled with the watch to set the date forward to the present day . His heart pounded as the mayor reached the cabinet and blocked the light that had been shining in between the doors . His eyes strained in the dim light as he turned the knob . The doors clicked as they started to open . Light began to flood in . He was able to see that the day was set correctly , and he pushed in the knob . It was dark again . Beezer panted as he looked between the doors to see that the room was empty . Slowly he pushed the doors open and crawled out . He stood up , turned around , closed the doors and breathed a sigh of relief . " Hmm . Must be mice . Last month the mayor said he heard something in there . I didn 't pay him much heed because he also said he thought he saw a child in there . " The words came quickly and uncontrollably . " They 're going to ruin the park , and no one will be able to play there , and there won 't be any frogs anymore , and Mayor Falderal is going to let it happen , and Flivver … " He looked at his pet , who was sitting beside him . Flivver thumped his tail loudly against the floor . Beezer got down on the floor and hugged him and cried . Mr . Gubbins swallowed his mouthful of chicken pot pie . " Well , that certainly is a lot to have on one 's mind . But what makes you think all this is going to happen ? " Just like when he talked to the mayor , Beezer couldn 't reveal the watch or his trip to the future . He remembered the conversation he overheard in the mayor 's office when he traveled to the past . " I don 't think Radcon can process hazardous waste . " " But how can we be sure ? " vMr . Gubbins paused . " Good point . We don 't know . We 'll just have to take it on faith . " One day , a few weeks after school let out for the summer , trucks and plows started arriving at the park . Their loud engines broke the silence and drowned out the birds . Their exhaust pipes belched gray smoke into the air . Workers started marking off half the park for the facility site while the plows drove onto the field . Beezer and Almandra watched the hideous spectacle for a few moments , then resumed playing . They tried to ignore the frightening sounds of monstrous machines at the other end of the park . Flivver didn 't seem to notice as he ran to and fro , caught the Frisbee , and quenched his thirst in the pond . " That 's right . According to some expert research , " said the man in the dark blue suit , motioning toward Mr . Gubbins , " your company has neither the equipment necessary to safely process hazardous waste , nor the means to install it . The company executives made misleading statements in violation of Title 3 , Chapter 7 , Part C of the Fairville City Code . " Just then a black limousine pulled up . One of the rear windows slid down , and Mayor Falderal 's face appeared . " What 's going on ? " he bellowed . " Not so fast , " the superintendent commanded . " This is my jurisdiction , and you can bet that a full investigation will be conducted . Now , according to public records , you authorized this project . " The mayor 's face went red . His body shook with rage as he searched for something to say . " You 're making the biggest mistake of your life ! I 'll have your job for this ! Do you hear me ? " Then he faced forward and commanded his driver , " Take me out of here , Jarvey . " The limousine pulled away as the mayor 's window slid back up . Mr . Gubbins walked over to Beezer and Almandra as the workers loaded their gear back onto the trucks . " You were right , " he said , placing his hands on Beezer 's shoulders . " Radcon can 't do what it claims it can do . All it does is put hazardous waste into a big hole , where it can leech into underground water sources . " " All right , Logan , " said the superintendent firmly but with obvious joy in his voice . " We have to get back to the office . There 's paperwork to do and authorities to notify . " The sun was already bright and warm when Almandra woke Beezer up . " Get up ! " she implored . " I can 't wait to go to the park ! Let 's eat breakfast and go ! " " Sure , Dad . " He went out the front door . The sun warmed him , and also shone in his eyes , so he covered his face with one hand and picked up the newspaper with the other . After going back inside he took the rubber band off the newspaper and unrolled it . On the front page was a picture of Mayor Falderal and a big headline that read : Mr . Gubbins smiled . " Yes , they told me at work yesterday . I knew it would make front - page news . That 's why I asked you to get the newspaper . " After breakfast Beezer and Almandra went to their rooms to get dressed . " The sun is going to be strong today , " Mrs . Gubbins said loudly enough for both of them to hear . " Better wear hats . " Beezer opened one of the drawers of his dresser and got his favorite baseball cap . As he was putting it on , he noticed the watch . Normally he didn 't carry it with him when he went places , but for some reason he was inclined to take it with him today . He put it in his pocket , then whisked down the hallway with Flivver in hot pursuit . " C ' mon , Alma ! " he hollered . When they arrived at the park , the sun 's rays were starting to get hot , but there was a breeze that helped keep them cool . They played on the monkey bars , the slide and the jungle gym . Flivver , anxious to play , picked up the Frisbee and brought it to them . Beezer and Almandra took turns throwing it for Flivver to retrieve . He ran and jumped and caught the toy over and over . After a while he started to tire . When Beezer threw the Frisbee to him for about the twentieth time , Flivver watched it sail over his head instead of jumping up to catch it . It landed quietly in the pond on top of some lily pads . It was not the first time this had happened . Beezer took off his shoes and socks and waded in . He grabbed the Frisbee and threw it to Almandra . Just then he felt something warm in his pocket . He reached in and pulled out the watch . It felt very warm . Then warmer . Then hot . Then … He got out and sat by the edge of the pond . As he put his socks and shoes on , he pondered the mystery of the watch . Maybe he hadn 't found it ; perhaps it had found him . It helped him save the park , and now that its purpose had been served , it returned to its home . There it would remain until someone else needed it . Ben Schwalb has written more than 20 books . Most of them are humorous non - fiction works whose topics include aging , raising children , brewing beer , dating , cats , relationships , cooking , divorce , money , health , religion , wine , horses , astronomy , government work , computers , and dogs . He also enjoys writing about his travels , and he has a humor blog . This is his first children 's book . The author has other interests . His main passion is brewing beer at home . As of this writing he has brewed about 5000 gallons since 1994 . He shares the fruits of his labor with friends wherever he goes , and hosts happy hours in his 12 - tap home bar . His numerous homebrewing awards include best - of - show at two national level competitions . His other passion is wrestling . He started in 1977 at the age of 15 . He was captain of his high school wrestling team and won two tournaments , including the regional championship at 134 pounds . He wrestled for two seasons in college and for more than 20 years afterward . Additionally , he coached at the high school level for 15 years .

My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . I got this idea from Ellen . She made a maze of plant pots for her cat to play in , and he loved it . I had a bunch of boxes from all the mail order gifts I bought . I created a maze for Thunder to explore . He took to it instantly . He walked around , sniffing and rubbing his head on the corners . Some of the boxes he was able to go into or under . He liked chasing his toys through it , too . After a few days , he seemed bored of it , so I rearranged it . His interest was renewed . Even if you don 't want to have a bunch of boxes laying about all the time , just setting them up for an hour or so will give your cat a lot of entertainment . Well , I hate to admit it , but I haven 't been trotting full laps with ease . In fact , I haven 't been trotting full laps at all . There always seems to be something that stops me from doing that . What I have been doing is walking full laps , trotting laps that are three quarters of the arena and trotting circles on the scary end . One of the reasons that put me off doing the full laps is a little weird . It seems Cole is obsessed with going over to that end . Once , he tried to bolt to get there ! He tries to drift that way , and if we do trot over in that direction , I have trouble stopping him ! I 'm not sure what this is all about , but at least he isn 't afraid ! He is just being a little unpredictable about it . I had 6 days in a row to work in the arena over the Christmas holiday . The first day , I lounged him first and he was a lunatic . Once he settled down , I decided to ride , anyway , and we had a really nice ride . He didn 't spook a single time , which was a miracle . Well , he didn 't spook for 5 of the 6 days , so my confidence has skyrocketed . Another reason that I haven 't trotted full laps is that we have been working on a new lesson - riding with other horses . I even rode him with a horse and mule at the same time , one day . We even trotted ! He will tend to veer in the direction of his companions , but that is the worst of it . Before my long weekend , he was spooking so much that I didn 't want to ride with anyone else . I worry about him startling the other horses and causing a wreck . I think I worry too much . We even trotted circles with other horses . We even worked when a horse was being lounged on the other end - something I really struggle with when I ride Cruiser to this day . We made great strides . By starting him out mostly on the trail , I managed to teach him about following my weight cues - and I didn 't even know it . I am pleased to say that Cole understands turning with a shift of the seat bone . I gently support it with my outside leg , but as long as he is in a cooperative mood , the reins are already becoming irrelevant . This is making me a better rider - fast . Every winter , when I start riding in the indoor arena , again , I struggle with my left seat bone floating away - and sometimes just not listening to me . This doesn 't work with Cole - I have to keep things exact or he does things I don 't expect . He may be doing them , not because he isn 't listening , but because he is ! On my latest ride , for the first time , I decided to try a figure eight . This was brave , because one half of it would throw me on the scary end of the arena . I wasn 't afraid for long . I was amazed . His circles were round and nearly equal in size , and the change of direction in the middle was perfect and effortless - to the aforementioned seat bone shift . I thought I was dreaming . We did three in a row . Though the circles were small , which is easier , I didn 't expect those results . We did it again ! I swear he seemed to enjoy it . I certainly did . There was a moment when I had a Twilight Zone feeling . Just what was I riding - couldn 't be a horse of mine . It shouldn 't have been so effortless and successful . It must have been beginner 's luck because I haven 't had such circles since , but he has been doing the change in direction perfectly . At least it gave me a sense of what is possible . Oh , and he is so sensitive with his walk / trot transitions . If I over signal with my leg , particularly early in the ride , he will jump or even buck . I have to be oh so gentle . Often , I just use the word . We haven 't started cantering , yet . ( Rome wasn 't built in a day - I am only starting to get brave . ) Years ago , I had a 1981 Camaro Z28 . The engine was a 350 with a 4 - barrel carburetor . If you didn 't touch the gas pedal very gently , it would jump forward and startle me . That is what riding Cole is like . The car also had a double kick down . The kick down is when the automatic transmission shifts down to give you an extra boost of energy . Most cars have one , but this car would do it twice . My dad found this out one day when he was driving it . I never had the nerve to try . I somehow think that Cole might have a double kick down , too , but right now , I am afraid to try . His sudden spooks have shown me he certainly has at least one kick down . I wrote last month about the trouble I had riding Cole on the scary end of the arena . Cole was fine . The problem was me . We had so many reasons to stay away from the scary end when I first started to ride him , that now I was petrified to go there . He no longer spooked there anymore than any other place , but every time I tried to ride him over there , I got that panicked feeling in my stomach and couldn 't breathe . This state of affairs bothered me so much . I wasn 't afraid to take him on the trail - we have trotted and cantered out there with great success . Just walking full laps around the arena was scarier than driving on a snowy street - something I do a lot this time of year . I couldn 't even imagine trotting . In my head , I pictured him bolting once he got around the corner and running to our barn door . I knew I could handle his arena spooks . I have had plenty of experience with them , and I can get him to stop right away . I love to trot - particularly fast . If he decided to trot fast on that end , what would be the big deal ? I have lounged and led him there , plenty , and he now gave me very little trouble . What was the problem ? Irrational fear . I was frustrated with myself . When I started this month , I could ride him at a walk if Kevin was by my side . A few evenings when I rode , I did wander over there by myself for a minute or two . I was so proud of myself . I practiced in my head what I wanted to do , and when I would mount up , all those awful feelings would come back . I would use any excuse I could find to stay on the safe side . This had to end . Now , there is something odd that happens to me at times . When horses intimidate me , I will say to myself that I won 't try whatever it is that I am afraid to do , and then in the next minute , I find myself doing it . I am like my cat , Thunder , when I put something scary on the floor , he doesn 't want to investigate it , but can 't resist . He stretches his neck out but braces his body so he could jump back in a moment 's notice . That was me - but that is no way to ride a horse ! A horse needs a confident rider , or he will want to jump back at a moment 's notice , too . One evening , I decided ahead of time that I would mount right up and ride to the scary side and do my walking warm up , there . I made it three quarters to the end , circled back and made it all the way there ! I then did large and small circles for about 5 minutes . This was a major breakthrough ! I then did all my trotting on the safe side . The next day I was at the barn , the weather was lovely for December , so I decided to take him for a walk on the hill . Even though I lounged him first , he was awful . When I got back , I was able to turn him outside to romp around . He ran and bucked and ran for several minutes . Then he was happy . I brought him in . No wonder he was bad on the hill - he had an excess of energy to burn off . I brought him in and hung around talking to Kevin . I then had an inspiration - I would ride ! He would be settled down from his running , and the arena was empty . They would be starting the afternoon feeding , soon , so I didn 't know how much time I would have , but I would at least get to warm up on the scary end , again . I mounted and went straight over , rode some circles at a walk and felt pretty good . I went back to the safe end and started my trotting . Even with all the distractions from the people that were in the barn , he did pretty well . In fact , he started to do great for such a green horse . I decided to see how far along the wall I could get to the scary end before stopping . We made it past the three quarter mark . I then walked the rest of the way back to safety . We trotted about , some more , and then I decided to try it again . I knew how far I could make it , so I decided to push to the corner and if I wanted , I could stop there . I made it to the corner , and decided to keep going to the center of the wall on that end . Three strides later , I was there - and decided to keep going to then next corner . He was fine , so I didn 't stop . I went around the corner , figuring I could stop there . Well , I didn 't . I just kept going . I made a whole lap . At that point , I decided to try it again - using the same plan . In the end , I did three and a half laps . I only stopped when Cole decided to stop on the scary end on his own - and didn 't want to go any further . I gently convinced him that he needed to go on , and we got back to the safe end . We walked a little more and then quit for the day . I felt so great . I knew that , though I would still have to battle the fear for a little while longer , I had a new starting point . I felt as good as I did the first day we went on the trail , the first day we trotted and the first day we cantered on the trail . This was a big first day - I trotted laps . Soon , we will be going around and around , and I won 't give it a second thought . Sometimes my new dog , Maggie , can really get annoying . One day this weekend , I came home from the barn and greeted her , of course . I then went to greet Thunder , the wonder cat . Anyway , Maggie , aka Dumb Dog , wanted to continue to greet me . She started jumping all over me and knawing my hands . She just wouldn 't stop . I kept telling her " down " which is the only command she knows , but she just kept getting worse . Thunder got mad at her . This has happened before . Whenever she misbehaves for me , Thunder shows up to discipline her . All he did was glare at her , and she layed right down . I started to praise her , but Thunder didn 't agree that she was good enough . I think he wanted her to leave the room , so he smacked her in the head ! Last night , before her walk , she wouldn 't let me hook up the leash because she was so excited . She had been doing so much better with this , that it surprised me that she relapsed . I was sitting on the stairs , trying to hook her up . Finally , she stopped jumping around . I hooked her up , looked behind me , and there was Thunder , glaring at her . It was still a good night with Cole . Hewas wild during lounging . He started out great , and I was nearly ready to quit , when he grabbed my sleeve , and I smacked him . Well , then he went into a rebellion . I think it was about a power struggle . There is a little stallion left in him , I held firm and stayed patient during his bucking and rearing and bolting , and eventually he stopped and started to listen , again . When I rode , he spooked once when Starry squealed . After that , we did lots of trotting , transistions and a series or perfect figure eights . I never tried them before with him , and I was astounded . They were small , so that makes them easier . He did even circles and effortless changes in the center with only a weight shift . I was stunned . He seemed to like doing them . I have never , never ridden such easy 8s on any horse . It must be beginner 's luck . I 'm sure he will start to challenge the concept , soon . At one point , he trialed a Passage ! I clicked him for it , but he didn 't repeat it . It felt beautiful . I didn 't have him collected - - we aren 't even on the bit , yet . I 'm not sure what induced him to do it , but for a moment , I was riding a Lippizan . Looks like we are getting a thaw next weekend ! Hurray ! Hurray ! It was a fine Cole weekend . Wednesday evening , I started out lounging him , and he was a lunatic - airs above the ground - bigtime . I nearly didn 't ride him , but he suddenly settled down . He has been settled ever since . I rode him that evening , and 4 more days - and no spooking . It was a big event to get through one ride in the arena without a spook , but more than 2 never happened before this weekend . Five rides ? Heaven … We rode with other horses being led or also ridden . Other than trying to drift their way , he did fine . The transition to a grown - up horse was the best Christmas gift I could imagine - and I certainly didn 't expect it . But then , that has been how Cole has been all along . He improves suddenly and permanently . He just needed to get used to the arena , and now that he has , he is ready to work . I rode Cruiser , too , each day , but he just doesn 't have any enthusiasm for arena work , anymore . Right now , I am just making sure he is getting enough exercise to help with his insulin resistance . After all these years , if he doesn 't want to work hard , I won 't make an issue of it . We 'll be back on the trail soon enough . He is getting nervous in the corners going in one direction . ( Eyesight ? He is getting a cataract in that eye . ) He is reluctant to go in a collected frame , and I suspect his thyroid tumor , which has really grown in the last year , may be interfering . Cole likes his new stall . It is larger with 2 windows , and maybe we can open them next weekend during the thaw . He and Cruiser definitely like each other . We will be putting bars up between them . Right now , it is solid wood with a 3 inch gap between 2 boards that they can see each other - and nibble noses . It was a lovely evening , last night - about 30 degrees and no wind . I decided to check the ice on the creek behind our house to see if I could ice skate . Creeks can be very unpredictable . You think it will be fine only to discover that the water ran over the ice and turned it into slush . Or , that slush froze and made crummy ice that shatters and sends you down to the next layer of ice - totally unskateable ! We have always called it " shatter ice . " Of course , getting a few inches of snow ruins everything , too . Last year , the ice always had too much snow , and I am too lazy to shovel . I didn 't skate a single time . Well , it was a miracle . I found I had a long stretch ( about 1 , 000 feet ) of good ice to skate on , and with care , I could reach a few other decent areas to skate . It was really fun . Though our creek is now part of a public park , I am the only one that skates and very few people are there at night . I was all alone ; it was so quiet and peaceful . I love the sound of the skates on the ice . I have been skating since I was a teenager . Our best friend lived next doore and had a pond , and we would shovel it off and skate much of the winter . I learned how to skate on that rough ice , so it was easy to teach myself how to go backwards , spins and such . We eventually started to skate at the local rink when the pond wasn 't any good . We both even worked there for a while in the snack bar . On slow days , I would take my skates and go out skating on during the pubic sessions . I am totally self - taught , and I skate more like a hockey player than a figure skater . Honestly , it is the only time I ever feel graceful . I don 't know if I look graceful , but at least I feel like it . When I was in college , I skated with my then boyfriend . Sometimes , we would go as much as 3 times a week , and we used to frequent 3 different rinks . For Christmas , he got me a really nice pair of skates to replace the hand - me - downs I had been using . I still use those skates over 20 years later . Thanks , Jeff , if you happen to read this . I wouldn 't have believed it if I didn 't see it with my own eyes . Thunder didn 't just stalk and pounce Maggie , he chased her . And , he didn 't just chase her a little , he chased her around and around the living room - - over the couch , over the loveseat and around and around , again . The dog thought it was fun until he caught up with her and she felt his needle - sharp claws dig into her hind leg . She yipped and ran some more ! I was laughing the whole time . Thunder loves when I laugh , so that only encouraged him . Afterward , he started walking with a swagger - - he was rather proud of himself . Tolerable temperatures and no major snowstorms for the immediate future . What a relief . My rides last night went fine . Cole was a little fractious , at times , but I could see some progress being made . We did a lot of walking and a fair amount of trotting . He behaves better counter clockwise than clockwise . We were working on out clockwise bending at a walk . We walked on the scary end - - no trotting there - - to hyper . I think I will concentrate on that tomorrow . Cruiser was pretty hyper , too . I started out with a lot of transistions , and that always gets him excited . It also got him paying attention to me . He became more responsive and I ended up riding him nearly an hour . I have a 4 - day weekend , but I will be stuck in the arena . It will give me an opportunity to really focus on the arena riding . I really wish I could go down the trail . I haven 't been on a trail ride since Thanksgiving weekend , and I really miss it this year . The river is already frozen , and the footing it bad . My old horse , Cruiser , doesn 't go out in bad footing . My young horse , Cole , is simply too hyper going up and down the hill to the river . I have done some leading with him , and once he gets bored , he starts to act up . I do have the indoor arena , but it hasn 't been satisfying this year . Cruise has been acting like one of the directions is uncomfortable . He has started spooking , too . Cole has been pretty good if I can ride him alone , but I don 't feel comfortable riding him with other horses . Yesterday , when it was time to ride him , there were 3 other horses in the arena , so I just led him to get him accustomed to all the activity . He was very excited , at first , but he started to behave decent , so it was a good lesson - - still , by the time I had the arena to myself , it was nearly time for them to get their afternoon feeding , so I quit . Totally unsatisfying for a person who loves to ride . Some good news - - Cole is going to move to a better stall . It is a corner stall with 2 windows to the outside . currently , he doesn 't have any window - - just open bars to the stalls next to him . It is also quite big , so he can do all of his stall exercises with more room . It is next to Cruiser , and I have permission to install bars between their stalls so they can interact . I will move him in the next few days . There isn 't a big hurry , since it is too cold to have the windows open right now . The wind died down , so I was able to ride Cole , again . I lounged him a little , first , but he seemed quiet , so I thought 10 minutes was enough . My boyfriend was leading his horse around at the beginning of our ride , and although Cole did want to visit him , he behaved overall . The first two times I asked him to trot , he did it with a buck . When my boyfriend took his horse out of the arena , Cole did have a temper tantrum - - taking off and running towards the barn door . After that , he was rather hyper . When we trotted , he went very fast and at first was all over the place . He did settle down and do better . Though I didn 't do full laps around the arena , we did do small circles on the scary end at a trot . I am only now starting to realize how sensitive he is to weight shifts . Shifts that would put Cruise into a nice arc sends him into a tiny circle . There is no doubt that this horse is going to make me a better rider - - once he settles down , and we can really work . Cruiser did well on his ride . Each time , he is getting a little better . I started to do some series of half halts with him - - it makes him round up and move with more spring . I didn 't want to do this until I knew he was physically ready . After travelling long and low all summer , it is a big change for him to move with some collection . I have also realized that half of my body is frozen at the trot . I might have picked this habit up over the summer with Cole - - nerves may have froze me . When I pay attention to what I am doing and move in a more symetrical manner , he vastly improves . My boyfriend had to leave to watch the Cavs play against Lebron , so I did all the feeding and watering myself . There are about 30 horses . They only get hay in the evenings , so it isn 't so bad - - pretty easy money . I do it twice a week . They predicted 3 - 7 inches of snow for last night . We got a quarter inch . I believe it over . The wind was vicious , though . I rode Cruiser last night in the arena , but I decided to play it safe and not ride Cole . The doors were constantly banging , the wind whistled over the roof and there were all sorts of other noises going on . I led and lounged him , and he was very edgy . I then turned him outside to play in the snow . He carefully ran and bucked a few times - - and then wanted to come in . He is a funny horse . He used to live outside before I got him , and he doesn 't seem to want to stay out there , now . I 'm sure it would be different if there was grass to graze . It sounds like I will be able to ride him tomorrow when I go out . The wind is already easing up . I sure have had enough to winter ! I rode Cole on Friday morning . I was alone in the arena . He was doing really well , and I decided to trot a full lap around . That meant the scary end ! Well , I ended up doing 3 laps in a row , and he was fine . So was I . There is nothing like conquering fear . I was walking on clouds all day . Unfortunately , the arena was very busy on Saturday , so I just led him on the trail . Sunday , I didn 't have enough time because I had to go to a very boring Christmas party with my dad . Ugh . Anyway , I only lounged him . I am going out tonight , but we are supposed to have high winds . Young horses are hard to ride in the wind when you are in an indoor arena . We 'll see if I can even lounge him . I can 't wait to try , again , but I have to be sensible . We didn 't get much from the big storm . It was north of us , and we mostly got rain . Once it got cold , we got a few inches . I cleaned off 6 inches from my car this morning , but the roads were ok . Now , the real problem - LAKE EFFECT ! ! ! Being close to Lake Erie is a real problem . The lake is still warm . When the cold air goes over the lake , it makes snow - - lots of it . They say it may stop by Wednesday , and we should have a foot or so . But it is so hard to predict that it may be much less or way more - - depending on the direction of the wind . We had the same thing happen last week , but this time , it is much colder and the wind is worse . We live in the secondary snowbelt . The horses are out of it , and usually have half the snow . In the snowbelt , they are expecting 2 feet on top of the 2 feet from last week . I wouldn 't live there if they paid me . I had a very good ride with Cole in the arena , last night . I lounged him first , but I reduced his time from 20 minutes to only 12 . I decided that he starts to act up when he gets bored , and maybe if I lounged him less , he would be better overall . I was right . By the way , I get bored of lounging , too . I started the ride by going right down to the scary end of the arena and walking about over there for about 5 minutes . He behaved perfectly , and now I am so much more confident over there . I then did some trotting , but kept it on the safe side . Rome wasn 't built in a day . I think he was trying to figure out how to get clicked . He tried going faster , going with his head up , down and turned the wrong way . He threw in a half - hearted buck , too . When he dropped his head and took light contact with the bit , I clicked him . ( I have been clicking him for this all the time on the lounge line . ) I also clicked him when he went at a rational speed . After a bit , he did both at the same time - and he started to repeat it after I clicked and started him back up . I am now starting to see how clicker works . At this stage of his training , Cruiser would just lug at the bit and ignore me as we trotted about . It took a long time before he started to understand lightness . Cole is guessing , and when he gets it , he is clearly rewarded so that he wants to repeat it . I have a long weekend , so I probably won 't be back in the arena until Monday . I am looking forward to seeing if I can build on this . Cruiser had a good ride , too . Okay , here is the big confession . I don 't like Christmas . In fact , I don 't like any holidays . My sister is the same way . We would love to completely skip the whole thing . I don 't want gifts . I don 't like trying to figure out what gifts to give people . I hate shopping . I don 't care for the decorations , and I hate the music . The songs " Winter Wonderland " and " Let is Snow " should be permanently banned . Whoever wrote those obviously didn 't live up north . Getting together with my family doesn 't mean anything . They all live in town - we can get together whenever we like . We don 't need a holiday to do it . This isn 't new . I remember starting to feel this when I was a teenager . It gets worse every year . We haven 't put up a tree or decorated in decades . Total Bah Humbug . It was a pretty crummy weekend to ride . The terrain wasn 't suitable for Cruiser , so we stayed in the arena . My sister joined us on her horse . Both days , when we were done , we took Cole for a walk up and down the hill to the river . I must say , he is noticeably improving . The first trip up and down goes well . The second , he starts to get bored and the third , he tries my patience . The good news is , he used to try my patience every time we went on the hill . If I solve this problem - it is our worst one - I feel he will improve with everything else . I click him when he is good , stop him or circle him when he tries to trot or walk in front of me , and make him stand until he settles down whenever he gets wound up . I rode him in the arena Friday night , and he is getting better . We trotted on the safe end and walked full laps to the scary end . I have clicked him so much for quiet behavior over there that , not only does he behave there , but he keeps trying to go over there ! Now , it is only scary for me . I am getting better , too . He did have one bad spook , but he was in the middle of the arena , at the time . Cole was a handful , last night , when I lounged him . He kept spooking , and when he couldn 't run away , he would rear straight up in the air . One time , when he landed and looked at me , I just yelled , " Mingo ! " and then I realized my mistake . Whenever Cole frustrates me , I call him Mingo . I lounged him for 25 minutes - - much longer than I normally do - - just to make sure he was safe to ride . I think it was the wind blowing at the doors and walls . In the end , it was a good lounging session . We worked on trot extensions for the first time . He caught on beautifully . I don 't lounge him with a whip . I was merely raising my arm , clucking to him , and he would extend out . He never changed his rhythm , either . It was awesome . I rode about 15 minutes - - mostly at a walk since he had had such a vigourous workout . We practiced walk / whoa transitions . He only spooked once , and I got him under control very easily . Cruiser did well after a lackluster performance on Monday . I was relieved . I was starting to worry he was having physical issues . I think it was just too warm on Monday ( 50s . ) The cold weather , last night , brought him to life , too . He did far less of his Saddlebred imitation and acted more like the Morab that he is . We got some great bends and transitions . His carriage in improving , too . I always find that after a summer of trail riding , he has trouble getting into his pretty , round way of going . It takes about a month of work for him to get those muscles working , again . Well , it 's happening . We take a lot of breaks , though . I don 't want him to do too much , too soon . He can move quite gorgeously . By the time we are really excelling , it is spring and I head out for the trail for long and low riding . Yes , it 's true , at least in my house . Thunder is completely adapted to our new dog , Maggie . He likes to stalk and pounce her , and he is now regularly chasing her with all claws out . He feels comfortable going anywhere in the house and will take naps downstairs , too . If Maggie misbehaves for me - like getting hyper and fidgety when I put her leash on , Thunder will walk up , do a Thunder roar and swat her . Now , when she starts to act up , I just tell her , " Thunder is going to get you . " Maggie has learned to leave us alone when we play games . She will stay in the other room , and I will periodically give her pieces of cat food . She will even let me chase Thunder around the house or throw cat food for him to chase . I am very amazed . I have been clicker training Maggie , and Thunder ( a clicker savvy cat , ) started out by watching us . I wanted Maggie to chase a Frisbee . I started with clicking her when she touched it . After a while , I started asking Thunder to touch it , and I clicked him . I gave Maggie a treat for staying in position with the same click . Maggie moved up to following it when slid it on the floor . A few times in the beginning , when she got confused , Thunder walked up to it and sniffed it . He got clicked and treated , of course . We tried the same lesson the next day . Maggie and Thunder started to understand about taking turns . After a bit , Thunder got tired of the game since I was only using dry cat food for treats . I concentrated on Maggie . One time , I slid the Frisbee on the floor towards Thunder , and since the floor is wooden , the Frisbee started spinning . Thunder thought that was so neat . He walked up to it and took his paw and spun it over and over . It was the cutest thing ! I clicked Maggie for just sitting still and letting him play . It lasted for 10 minutes until Maggie heard something and started barking . I 'm so happy everything has worked out . No one can imagine how upset I was , in the beginning when they were having problems . Now , not only do they get along , we can even play training games together . I am nearly out of vacation time . The evenings are too dark to ride on the trail , and the weekends aren 't going to be much better pretty soon . It 's time to get serious about the arena . The problem stems from when I used to ride him there in there during the summer . The far end and one side of the indoor arena are bordered by a pasture . In the summer , there is a horse out in the pasture . As he walks by the walls of the arena , the noise would spook Cole . If Cole saw him walking by through the window , that be another excuse to run . Also , there was the next door neighbor . We were on the same schedule . When I rode , she would turn her horses out to play . The sound of them frolicking around or banging the gate was enough to cause Cole to take off . Though I haven 't fallen off , and he has not succeeded in getting more than a couple strides in before I spun him , the damage was done . He was prepared to spook from noises over there , and I was prepared to have a problems . I spent my rides this summer on the safe side of the arena . That was no guarantee that I would avoid the spooks , but at least he wouldn 't ' bolt across the arena to the gate that leads into our barn . It still gave us plenty of room to work . Honestly , the biggest problem , ( and I actually hate to admit this ) was my nerves . After having so much trouble , ride after ride , I was afraid to go to the far end of the arena . I rode a lot of circles , which really isn 't ' a bad thing . Still , I knew I had to conquer the problem . As the weather got colder , the pasture horse was brought in and , on most days , the neighbor 's horses weren 't outside . To make things better , they closed the windows . I no longer had an excuse . I started out by lounging him before his rides . He was only a so - so lounger , since he really didn 't need it in the warm weather . With the help of a clicker , I got him listening pretty well . My biggest problem was Cole deciding to practice his " airs above the ground " while I lounged him . I did the only thing I knew , which was to click him a lot for trotting well and increasing the duration . Though he will still play games , they are far less than the early days . Some days , I just worked on the lounging . It was nice to see the improvement . Now , I will click him when he drops his head and steps well underneath him . The good news is that he is starting to offer it on his own , and I am now working on duration . The next step I started a couple of weeks ago . It was time to lounge him on the scary end of the arena . It was tough in the beginning . We did a lot of transitions , and he did spook a number of times , but I was persistent , and we worked through it . Soon , he was trotting around with his head down and focused on me instead of the outdoors . When I rode , though , I stayed on the safe end . I found out that I could barely breathe when I approached the scary end . At the end of the ride , I would lead him around and around on that side . He wasn 't spooking , but I was . Fear can be irrational . I 'm a capable rider , and all he does is spook and try to run . I quickly spin him , and he stops readily . It 's more dangerous to be riding him on the trail , yet when I ride over there , my heart starts to race , I lean forward and quit breathing . Each ride , I kept pushing myself a little out of my comfort zone . I did my circles in the center of the arena and drifted that way . I spent a lot of time finding reasons to click and treat him over there . We did have a few spooks , and that didn 't help my nerves at all . One time , I was actually leaning over his neck giving him a treat , and we heard a noise and he bolted . Finally , one day , I knew what would help me relax - Kevin . I asked him to walk with me while I rode . I know that Cole likes to be with people on foot and that alone boosted my confidence . Just talking to Kevin as I rode got me to relax so much . I breathed , again . I kept getting closer and closer to the far wall . I was there ! I started doing circles . It worked ! He didn 't bolt , and I didn 't get too scared . I gave him lots of treats , too . Kevin has been by my side on a few other rides , and what a difference it has made . I can now trot three quarters of the arena . I still get worried , but I am getting better . I am hoping that by the time winter is over , this person who wasn 't afraid to take a horse on trail who had only been ridden a week , will be able to trot full laps without a care in the world . Now , I didn 't see this . I was out riding at the time . My dad saw Thunder , not once but twice , chase Maggie into the room where he was at . I think that they are trying to figure out a game to play together . Maggie then went and attacked the toilet paper . When I got home , I decided to do some clicker . I have a small dog frisbee . I have been using it as a target . We have finally advanced to where I can slide it on the floor and Maggie will usually follow it . In the beginning of our lesson , I was clicking Maggie for touching it when I held it to her . I then told her to stay and clicked Thunder for touching it . They both got treats . Thunder for touching and Maggie for staying . I then started the sliding and Maggie was doing pretty good . Then , she got distracted or confused - - I don 't know what . Anyway , at that point , Thunder got up and walked over to the frisbee and sniffed it . Of course , I clicked him . He did it several time . Cats really are smarter than dogs . They don 't usually show it since they don 't have the pack mentality . I have read that they will watch a dog or another cat in training and then just do it themselves right away . Thunder proved it ! She used to be Dumb Dog , but now she is Amazing . I worked with her a few days with the clicker to get her to stay in the other room when I played with Thunder . Every minute or 2 , I would come back , click and give her a treat . Thunder 's favorite game - - one we weren 't able to play unless she was outside or locked up is " Throw . " I would throw a piece of dry catfood across the wooden floor and he would chase after it , and of course , eat it . Maggie would come in whenever she heard it , and we would have to quit . Saturday , I tried to get a few throws in before the dog heard , and found myself doing lots of throws . I figured Maggie was asleep . I finally checked her - - and found her with Dad - - wide awake - - waiting for a treat ! Of course I gave her one . I am so happy about this , that now , I am more interested in playing with Maggie . I just need to figure out what she would like to do other than go on walks . She is very athletic . I would like her to catch a frisbee , but she doesn 't understand , yet . Yes , I am trying to use up my vacation time before Cruiser 's shoes are pulled - - which is next week . The weather won 't be like last week , but I think it will be good enough . My sister will be able to ride with me on my first rides , but then she will have to go to work . My boyfriend will be around , of course . He is retired and loves having me around . He may be able to ride with me on my second rides . I also have a 4 - day weekend next weekend because of Thanksgiving . This is the life . . . Then it will be back to work until Christmas and then nothing until spring . I don 't waste vacation in the winter . I plan to get more of the garden cleaned up , and if I finish up the beets , I will take the electric fence down . Then , I will be done with all my outside stuff . We don 't rake until spring , and thats just by the house . We have a lot of red oaks that lose most of their leaves in the spring . The dog is getting better . She hasn 't had an accident in more than a week . If I tell her to stay away from us , she leaves me alone to play with the cat for a few minutes , otherwise , she gets in the way . Thunder then starts to stalk her . He 's getting more aggressive with his pouncing . She doesn 't like it , but hasn 't figured out just to leave us alone . Wow , did I pick 4 fantastic days for a long weekend . The weather was so awesome - - not the typical November Cleveland weather . Of course , I rode - - I ride regardless - - but it was nice to be comfortable instead of cold . Cole was horrible the first day , but he did great the rest . Yesterday , my sister even rode him a little bit on the trail . I walked , she rode . Cole was a little confused when she went to mount him , and pranced a bit for about a minute , but then he settled down . She even trotted him a short distance a few times . She liked the way he felt - - he is like a small version of her large horse - - just as round . I am going out to ride again , tonight . I have to feed , so I might as well ride , too . It will be in the arena , though . I took off this Thursday and Friday coming up , too . I gotta use the vacation up before Cruise 's shoes are pulled ! I only ride him very limited on the trail without shoes . He needs them for support for his bad tendon . Maggie and Thunder are doing better all the time . He is regularly stalking and pouncing her , now . She just gets confused and ignores him - - just like Pollie does . I praise her each time I see her do that . Well , I have to use up the vacation days , and since the weather is going to be great , I now have a 4 - day weekend ! I plan to ride , of course . I will be going out to the barn , tonight , too . Due to economic conditions , when the barn manager decided to switch back to 3 feedings a day , I gladly took the opportunity to feed on Mondays and Wednesdays . It helps with the bottom line . I used to do it a few years ago , but they dropped the evening feeding and I was laid off . It is only hay and water for about 30 horses . Often , my boyfriend is there to help . He is good at watering - - it 's mindless . Anyway , I will probably just lounge Cole , tonight . I want to continue to desensitize him to the far end of the arena . I will work Cruiser for a while , too . I hope he does a little better than he did on Monday ! Then , the rest of the weekend I will be on trail . I love the trail ! I will also continue working with Thunder and dumb dog . Last night , I was working on Stay while I would run out of the room - - chasing Thunder around . This is the one game of Thunder 's that I thought was gone for good , so I am very amazed that Maggie listened . I love clicker . I was inspired by the excellent show on PBS , Nova , that was showing how smart dogs could be - - as I was doing the training . Maybe I should stop calling her dumb dog . I rode Cruiser in the arena for the first time since mid March , and it didn 't go so well . It was obvious his mind wasn 't on it . I would ask him to trot , and he would halt . Sometimes he just stopped on his own . When we got to the far end of the arena at a trot , his head went straight up like a Saddlebred . I would calm him down , but each time we got there , he did the same thing . He drifted off the wall and he couldn 't stay in a steady rhythm . I can see we have a lot of work to do this winter . Last winter , was the winter of Mingo 's illness , and I wasn 't able to focus well when I rode Cruiser . I know I was lax , and I think I am paying the price for it , now . I mostly lounged Cole on the scary end of the arena for desensitation . I haven 't been riding him over there due to his volatility . He was volatile on the lounge line , but he improved as time went on . I then saddled him and worked on riding him over there at a walk . We did have one really bad incident the second time I took him through it and one stop in place spook the third time over there . After that , he was fine . We just kept going in circles on that end . This has been our biggest arena issue . Most times , I just stay away , but I have to solve it eventually . Now that it is quiet outside the arena ( the source of the problem in the beginning ) I have no excuse . It was a miracle . The dog who wouldn 't go outside alone ( abandonment issues , I think ) went to the door and looked at it . I asked her if she wanted to go out , and she wagged . I opened the door , she walked out and 15 seconds later did her business ! ! ! ! I praised her from inside the house . She was so happy that she did good . She is doing great with Thunder , except she wants to chase him when he playfully runs around . I stop her , but I can 't help but think that Thunder wants her to chase him . He loves when I chase him , but when I catch up to him , I pet him . I 'm not sure what she will do if she caught up with him , so I discourage her . Early in the month , the weather got very chilly . With chilly weather , we get hyper horses . Well , Cruiser and Ranger are getting up there in years , so the hyperness it nothing more than a small challenge and an opportunity for a few laughs . Cruise will unexpectedly dash ahead to the lead as we quietly plod along , or Ranger will toss in one of his kitten bucks . It 's not a big deal to us . Cole , on the other hand , is an unknown . We never know what to expect with him . I am now regularly lounging him before riding - just to test his mood . He has definably been more challenging in the cooler weather - yet we have had some great rides . I took him out on a ride on the first Sunday of the month . I had ridden him the 2 days previous , so I figured I would skip the lounging , since we were going on the trail . He does better on the trail than the arena . I rode him by myself down the hill to the river . The hill has always been the toughest place for him ( he thinks he should be allowed to trot downhill ) , but the day before , we practiced it 3 times . I must say , he was the best he had ever been this time . He only tried to trot a couple times , and they were very half - hearted attempts . He willingly crossed the river - though he had never crossed it that high before , and we met Ellen , on foot , on the other side . We walked for a few minutes , and he was very relaxed . I knew this was going to be a good ride . We trotted away from Ellen , and he didn 't even get upset about leaving her . We trotted and walked and trotted and walked for about 15 minutes when we got to the next river crossing . I hadn 't gone across this one alone for a few weeks . We have either turned around , here , or followed Ranger . I expected some resistance , and Cole didn 't disappoint me . He stopped and told me that this is where we turn around . I accidently reverted to how I had to ride with Mingo , and gave him a big boot to get him to go forward . Oooops ! ! ! That is not something you do with Cole . He is very , very sensitive to the forward cue . He jumped and started to trot down the bank . I made him walk , and he did until he saw the muddy bottom . I decided to try a different tactic to get him going . I squeezed my legs and held . When he took one step , I released , clicked and treated . I then asked again . This time , he responded right away . I rewarded him , again and asked him to resume walking . This time , I didn 't click him until he was walking through the mud . I decided that warranted clicking , too . We then went into the river - and it was deep ! I couldn 't see the bottom ! I didn 't realize the depth until I was right in it . The current is very slow there , so it wasn 't a problem - it was just something different for him . Cole did just fine . Once we got across the river , I felt his excitement level rise . I knew there was a group of 4 horses ahead of me , because I had seen them cross the river from a distance . I think that is why he perked up . We walked a bit until we got back in the woods - away from all the human caused distraction . I have only done minimal trotting in this area , so it was no surprise to me that when I asked him to trot , he went very fast . After about 15 seconds , I asked him to stop . We walked a bit and then trotted , again . We did this routine 4 times , and only on the last time , did he settle down and we went further . I walked for a few more minutes , passed up the other horses on their way home and shortly after , turned around to go home , myself . Soon , I met Ellen and she walked with us . Well , she sort of walked with us . I had to keep stopping Cole to let her catch up . ( Good practice for Cole . ) The trip home went well . He walked fast , and a few times he tried to trot . Sometimes , we could see the horses up ahead . Turns out , they were all mares . We passed up other horses going the opposite direction , and he acted very appropriate . Overall , the ride was a great one . At the final river crossing , I left Ellen . On the other side , there was a woman and her daughter on horseback on top of the bank . They were just standing there . As I came up the bank , the woman asked me how Cole had been doing . I told her that he was doing great . The words were barely out of my mouth , when he jumped up the last stride of the bank and tried to lounge towards their horses ! I quickly spun him away from them and threw in another spin for good measure . I guess he had been good for too long . I got asked him to stand , and when he seemed settled down , I got off and led him up the hill . No , that 's not a horn in the back . It it meant to keep the pack secure . I can take it entirely apart . The 2 bottom panels come off , too . On the inside , you can see the ring that you would attach your saber . I keep an identification tag on it . The tree is attached by rawhide strings , so it is flexible . Every horse is smoother in this saddle . I think that is why . If you ever find one - - they are on Ebay , now and then , consider purchasing it to use . I only needed to have the billets replaced . Between the purchase price and repairs , I think it was about $ 150 . 00 .  I was going through my old e - mails , and I found the photos of Mingo 's saddle that I sent off to Japan for verification - - and much to my joy , there was Pollie , the best dog ever , that passed away in the summ r . I sure do miss h r . I call our new dog , Maggie , " Not - the - Polli Anyway , back to the saddle . I bought it at an estate sale and got it fixed so I could use it . Turns out it is a Japanese military saddle from WWII . It is so comfortable , and it was the only saddle that Mingo was happy with . It is now Cruiser 's saddle . It is too easy to come off of , so I don 't dare use it with Cole for a while . Here we are experiencing the last of the fall color . It is all gone , now , and it looks very , very bleak . I can 't wait until spring . Last summer , our wonderful dog , Pollie , passed on . She was the most perfect , best dog , ever . It was heartbreaking . In fact , my heart is still broken , and I still miss her , so much . I didn 't really want another dog . I 'm not really a dog person to begin with , and I knew we would never find one as perfect as Pollie . Thunder , the cat , and I were perfectly content with the way things were . I live with my dad - the dog person . Our fates changed the day my dad went to the doctor . When the doctor asked him if he had any questions , my dad replied , " Do you think I should get a dog ? " The doctor said , " Yes . " My life was ruined . Dad wanted one as much like Pollie as possible . Pollie was a Sheltie mix . I went to Petfinders . I couldn 't find a dog at all like Pollie under the Shelties . I decided to try Border Collies . There was a young female listed at a cat rescue in our area . Her name was Maggie . What attracted me to her was the cat lying down in the background . As I am looking at the ad , my office mate 's radio started playing the song , " Maggie " by Rod Stewart . Was that a good sign ? It sure was weird . A few days later , I sent in an application for approval . As I was writing my sister in an email about it , that song came on , again . It was really getting weird . Through emails and phone calls , we worked things out and a couple weeks later , they delivered her to our house . She was the right size - 30 pounds , friendly and incredibly cute . We said we would take her . They said she was good with cats . That was the most important thing to me . Thunder is my best buddy , and I wanted him to be happy . He liked Pollie , even if Pollie was indifferent to him . He would stalk and pounce her . Now , here comes one more weird thing . I asked the volunteer where she was found , and I couldn 't believe it - Train Avenue . That 's where Pollie was found all those years ago . If you are a westsider of Cleveland , you would know Train Avenue . It is a spooky , mostly deserted street with train tracks , trash and a few businesses . The cat shelter feeds feral cats and does trap / neuter / release with any cats they don 't think can be adopted . They found her , gave her some food and as they left , she chased the van . She didn 't want to be alone . The first thing she did was chase Thunder through the house . He was so fearful . He ran upstairs to my bedroom . I had the stairs blocked so a cat could go up , but a dog couldn 't . He didn 't come down until the evening . When she found him , he panicked and ran . Like all dogs , she chased . It was awful . He was so scared , and I was so upset . There was another incident the next day that was just as bad . Now , Thunder has never been known for his bravery . He is quite the chicken cat . I was starting to think he would be living upstairs forever . I moved up his litter boxes , food , cat furniture and toys . We were both miserable . I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life . With the help of my brother and sister - in - law , we came up with a possible plan . We have a hallway that leads to a couple rooms and my bathroom . I would block it with the fireplace screen , and put him there so he could see her , yet still be safe . It might help to desensitize him . I would work with him in short sessions and then let him back upstairs . In the meantime , she needed to learn some manners . I got out my trusty clicker and taught her to lie down and to stay . It only took a couple lessons . The first day I tried our experiment , I worked with the dog on the far end of the house . Thunder got curious and sat on the safe side of the screen and watched . I brought her closer and he was okay with it . As long as she behaved , he would watch . Each time , I got closer . Eventually , I clicked and treated the dog for lying quietly by the screen . Thunder just watched . On the second day of training , he asked to come out . I opened the screen , held the dog and he walked around her to go up the stairs . The dog got a lot of treats . A week after we got the dog , I was brushing my teeth at night . The screen was in place , but open enough for me to get in . Thunder was upstairs . The phone rang , and I ran to get it . It was dark , and I didn 't see the screen - I ran straight into it and fell . The answering machine got the call before me . I told Kevin to call back . I waited . The dog went into the bathroom . I called her to come out and she did , but she went back and started making funny noises . I went to investigate and found Thunder cornered in the bathtub ! He must have come down when I was brushing my teeth to visit me . I rescued him . From that day , things got steadily better . I wonder if Thunder , since he was cornered , had to defend himself and found out the dog wouldn 't hurt him if he showed her his claws ? He started coming downstairs when the dog wasn 't in the living room and skittering up when she found him . He spent a lot of time watching her from the safety of the stairs - studying . Thursday morning , he sniffed her nose . Thursday evening he spent downstairs with me whenever he felt safe . Friday , he was downstairs even more . Saturday , he gently pounced her . Later in the day , he charged her with claws flying and she backed off . From that point , he no longer acted afraid . If she was too pushy , he growled . He spent a lot of time sniffing her . He made friendly gestures . She tried puppy play position . He didn 't understand and growled . There is a definite language problem . On Halloween , he was no longer a scaredy cat . In 2 weeks , he made an amazing transformation . Maggie seems to ignore him unless I am paying attention to him . It is something we will have to work with . I am hoping to be able to play games with him downstairs , someday . Everything was a success . I really think they will end up being friends . Maybe that song was a good omen . I won 't keep you in suspense for long . I wanted to get the canter in , soon , so it wouldn 't get intimidating for me . In the past , I have cantered my green horses within a few weeks of the first ride , but that has always been in the arena . I have been having problems with Cole in the arena - partly because I have been spending a lot of my time on the trail . We only work in the arena 1 - 3 times a week at the most , and since the weather got cooler , there have been days that we haven 't ' gotten past lounging . I have been working in the indoor arena , and if there are horses outside moving about or it is windy , he becomes very volatile - spooking at any noise . I also figured out that he wasn 't very consistent with his lounging anyway , so there are days I stick to the safer activity . On the trail , he hardly spooks , and he is much more advanced than he is in the arena . I decided the place to introduce the canter was on the trail . I know this isn 't what most people do , but it seemed like the best plan . I didn 't know what to expect . Would he buck for the fun of it ? Would I be able to stop him ? Would I ever get him out of a fast trot ? Would he have a comfortable canter ? I remember Cruiser 's canter was pretty rough when I started him . He has a tendency to do a 4 - beat if he doesn 't have enough impulsion . When I cantered him for the first time on the trail , he actually went slowly . Some horses are just made to trot . I have to confess , I was nervous - more nervous than the first time I ever rode him . Ellen and I decided we would do it the same way we started the trot on the trail . I would have her walk down the trail a ways while we waited and I would try to canter to her . He is conditioned , with the clicker , to stop when he gets to her . This way , I would have brakes if he got excited . I started out by trotting him out for about 10 minutes to settle him down . We then turned and headed back towards home until I met Ellen on foot . I turned him around to face him away from home ( always a good idea when you are introducing any type of speed ) and sent Ellen up the trail . We did a few short stretches at a trot to remind him what the game is about . It had been about a month since we did it last . He remembered . I clicked and treated when I got to Ellen to reinforce the stop . Now , it was time to canter . Unfortunately , we didn 't have a cue for it . We haven 't lounged at the canter , yet , because he has been getting too excited in the arena . The first few times , I just tried leg pressure when we were trotting . He just trotted faster . I then tried a few times with a whip tickle . ( A strong whip would likely make a sensitive horse , like Cole , buck . ) Finally , he got it and burst forward at the canter - or was it a gallop ? He came to a halt when he reached Ellen . Even in the excitement , he understood the game . The next time I asked him , he knew right away , and so we were able to go a little further . He got steady on the last few stride before he got to Ellen . I did it one more time , but this time , I didn 't need the whip tickle . The following day , I decided we would do the same thing . This time , he flew into the canter when I asked him to walk towards Ellen . Yes , he remembered what he learned . On my next attempt , I made sure he walked first , and then trotted when I asked him to trot . When I said the word " canter , " away we went . Of course , he didn 't know the cue , but I think he was looking for anything that he might consider a cue . Because of his extreme enthusiasm for this game , I decided we should do a few short stretches of trotting up to Ellen . I am please to say that he was a perfect gentleman , but when I eventually asked for a canter , he was clueless for the first few attempts . When he did figure it out , he was just as enthusiastic as before . I decided it was time to quit the cantering for the day . He was hyper all the way home - trying to trot and throwing in a few spooks . It could have been about the cantering , it could have been the wind and all the leaves blowing around or it could have been because Starry joined us on the trip home . My feeling is that it was everything combined . He was over stimulated . I was glad to dismount . His canter was fast and powerful , but a lot of it might have been just because it was new . We will see how he does when he relaxes at the canter once the novelty is gone . His transitions were like a racehorse bursting out of the starting gate . At least there was no sign of bucking from the excitement . The funniest part about the whole thing is how , not only did he wait for Ellen to walk down the trail , but he would actually stop to let her go on ahead . He really liked the game . I don 't know how much more cantering on the trail we will do . The season is winding down very quickly , and I really prefer to work on trotting quietly with other horses . I certainly am not ready to try cantering with another horse ! At least , I got the initial cantering over with , and if we start having any success this winter in the arena , I won 't be hesitant to add it into our training . Then , in the spring , he will be much better when I try it on the trail . I have been taking Cole out on the trail and doing a fair amount of trotting , but it is always when we are riding by ourselves . There are times that he is very hyper and doesn 't want to settle into a steady trot or tries to canter . By doing walk / trot transitions he will eventually even out . Other times , he gets a little reluctant to go , and I just use gentle urging with my legs - releasing when he listens . It has to be gentle . He has a very sensitive gas pedal . It was now time to trot with other horses . The horse of choice was Ranger , since Ellen is the greatest person to ride with . The problem that we had to face , though , now had two faces - the face of Cole ; an energetic , green horse and the face of Ranger ; the leader of the herd who doesn 't want some whippersnapper little horse to be in the lead . Oh , how I miss my Mingo . He was the perfect horse for times like this . Most of the time , he was uncompetitive . He was happy to let his companion horses go on ahead of him . He would just travel along at a comfortable speed for himself . He knew we would always wait for him . Mingo was the perfect anchor horse . Ranger doesn 't believe in being an anchor horse . The first day we went out on a ride planning to trot together , we started in an area where Ranger typically goes slower and gladly lets Cruiser take the lead . The first attempt went well . The second was so - so . The third - Ranger got mad and Ellen had a tough time keeping him from blasting past Cole . That was enough for the day . We walked the rest of the ride . It was another week before we could try it again . This time , Ranger was upset the first time . The second time , he threw in a few of his kitten bucks . It was time to change our plan . This just wasn 't working . In the spring , when Cruiser and Ranger are really hyper , we go back to practicing transitions . I suggested we try this with Ranger and Cole . I figured if I worked with the clicker on the downward transitions , it would encourage him to stop instead of race . We put Cole in the lead , trotted about 20 steps and stopped . I clicked and treated Cole . Ranger happily stopped to Ellen 's command since Cole stopped first . We did it a few more time , and each time they behaved a little better . Ranger remembered the game , and when I would tell Ellen that I was going to walk , that was enough for Ranger to walk on his own . They both slowed down and trotted steadily . Each time , we went a little further before stopping . We put Cole behind Ranger , and he was so focused on me - waiting for a whoa - that he didn 't try to pass . Ranger was perfectly happy . Finally , we were going about 30 seconds at a time when we reached the next river crossing . We decided to turn home , there . We went about a quarter mile home , turned around and did it again . This time , we only did a few transitions . It was great . It never , ever worked this well with Cruiser ! We couldn 't resist the temptation - we did it again . The last time , we trotted the whole way without stopping . Cole was a bit reluctant to go again , but Range was fine with it . It all went so beautiful . Then next opportunity we had , we were on a trail that Cole is less familiar with , and it didn 't go quite as good , but it still wasn 't bad . It was the trail that added the excitement . We only did it 3 or 4 times and then stuck to walking . We now had a way to get Cole accustomed to trotting with another horse in a mannerly way . I wonder if it will work at a canter ? I cantered Cole for the first time ! ( Canter is a version of gallop . ) We were on the trail , since he does better for me there than the arena . . Saturday , when I asked him , he didn 't have a clue what I wanted . I ended up having to tickle him with the whip . When he got it , he went very fast . I have him trained to stop when he reaches my sister , and he did . We did it a couple more times , and then we quite for the day . Sunday , after riding him about 20 minutes , we decided to try again . I sent my sister up the trail . When I asked Cole to go , he remembered the lesson from the day before and burst forward into a gallop ! He stopped at my sister , and I started to breathe , again . The second time I tried , he walked , then trotted , then cantered on command . He still went fast , but is was more reasonable . We did it one more time , and we were very successful . We headed home , and he was very hyper . I think he enjoyed his cantering . It was also very windy and leaves were falling everywhere . I think that got him going , too . Since he got hyper , I may not do it again for a while . I just wanted to get it over with . Honestly , that was much more scary than riding him for the first time . I 'm glad it was uneventful . He sure has a powerful canter . I cantered Cole for the first time ! ( Canter is a version of gallop . ) We were on the trail , since he does better for me there than the arena . . Saturday , when I asked him , he didn 't have a clue what I wanted . I ended up having to tickle him with the whip . When he got it , he went very fast . I have him trained to stop when he reaches my sister , and he did . We did it a couple more times , and then we quite for the day . Sunday , after riding him about 20 minutes , we decided to try again . I sent my sister up the trail . When I asked Cole to go , he remembered the lesson from the day before and burst forward into a gallop ! He stopped at my sister , and I started to breathe , again . The second time I tried , he walked , then trotted , then cantered on command . He still went fast , but is was more reasonable . We did it one more time , and we were very successful . We headed home , and he was very hyper . I think he enjoyed his cantering . It was also very windy and leaves were falling everywhere . I think that got him going , too . Since he got hyper , I may not do it again for a while . I just wanted to get it over with . Honestly , that was much more scary than riding him for the first time . I 'm glad it was uneventful . He sure has a powerful canter . I had a tougher time with Cole . I wanted to ride him in the indoor arena , but figured I would lounge him first . Well , the horses were out next door , and they were running around and banging the gate . This really revs Cole up . He kept having tantrums on the lounge line . I worked him through it , and we actually did some good stuff , but by then , he had had enough of a work out , so I didn 't ride . I took him for a quiet walk outside to cool out and relax . He has a good side and a bad side . On the good side , I am able to shape his shape by clicking when he drops his head and rounds his back . It worked - - he kept going back to it quicker each time . Thunder is the smartest and bravest cat . I am now thinking things will work out . I carried him down the stairs and placed him on the other side of a hall that I had blocked off . It contains 2 bedrooms and a bathroom . I used a fireplace screen as my blockade - braced with a couple of boxes . The dog was locked in another room with my dad watching TV . I went to train the dog . We mastered down the day before , and now I added on stay . She caught on pretty quick . I peeked out across the living room to check on Thunder . He was on the other side of the screen , listening . I brought the dog out , and as far away as we could , we went through the routine . When she noticed Thunder , I changed what I was doing . When she looked at him , I said her name . When she looked at me , I clicked and treated . We lasted about 5 minutes . I put her back with Dad , and went to talk to Thunder . He was so happy ! He was rolling and stretching and purring . I got out one of his toys and we had a fine play session . We had 2 more clicker sessions with dumb dog . Each time , we got closer . Finally , we were about 3 feet from the screen . I kept giving her treats for just sitting and behaving . Thunder just sat in the hall and watched with the most intelligent look on his face . He looked like a scientist studying a new form of life . He was so brave . While she was locked up with Dad , I opened the screen . He did come out and walk around the living room and dining room . He finally got to explore the fireplace - since I removed the screen . He has wanted to do that for years . When he decided to go upstairs , I got dumb dog out . I went to go talk to him upstairs and couldn 't find him ! I called him and here he came up the stairs ! He went down by himself ! The dog was wandering about , too , so I don 't know if he came up because of me or her . Anyway , this morning after breakfast , I heard him jump off the stairs , he walked into the dining room , meowed and I went to see him . The dog ran over to him , and he ran up the stairs . I hollered at her , and she came back to me . Thund didn 't seem panicked this time and dumb dog didn 't seem like she was chasing - just wanting to see him . I will keep working with them like this . I need to get dumb dog as obedient as possible . She is learning fast . if things work out , I will start to call her Maggie . My sister and I had a 4 - day weekend that consisted of a lot of riding ! I rode both horses each day ( and yesterday , too ) On the first day , the river was too high for Cole , but we crossed with the other horses and avoided the rain . I rode Cole in the ring ( where he did very well for a change ) and then took him on the hill . It started to rain , and he panicked . Very odd since he used to live outside . Friday , I took Cole out with my sister 's horse and we worked on trotting together . We have a double problem with that since ranger likes to challenge horses to a race when we trot . Okay , so does Cruiser . We created the problem ourselves . What we did was trot very short distances and stop . They both caught on and settled down very nicely . Before we knew it , we were trotting calmly down the trail ! It was great . Saturday , my niece rode with us . We took all 3 horses out together for the first time . Cruiser never went out with Cole before , and he was so excited ! He couldn 't take his eyes off of him . After he settled down , he was thrilled to walk with him . They are both capable of walking fast . We kept stopping to wait for Ranger to catch up . We stayed at a walk the whole ride . Sunday , we took him up the the shwo ring area . The ride was successful , and we did a few short stretches of trotting . He was a little jumpy , and it really seemed like he was spooking at his shadow . It was early in the morning , and the shadows were longer than he has ever seen them . I rode yesterday in the ring . He did spook a few times , but I got control of him right away and he settled quickly . We did a fair amount of trotting - enough that he wanted to stop on his own . After about a half hour , the coyotes started howling outside , and I decided it was time to quit . . Things have improved slightly with the dog situation at my house . First off , we had a couple good training sessions . She will now lay down when I point to the ground . ( We skipped right over " sit . " She kept laying down and I figured that was good enough for me . ) I am now trying to install a voice command . Tonight , we will do that and work on " stay . " I realize I must get her listening if I ever expect her to behave around Thunder . Thunder , of course , is still hiding out upstairs . We have circular stairs . I have them blocked so the dog can 't get up them . I did notice last night , when he heard the dog moving around , instead of climbing up the windowsill - the highest point in the house , he walked to the edge of the stairs and looked down at her . I think that is a good sign . Also , I put treats on the top 2 steps before I went to bed , and he ate some of them . I 'm hoping that if he gets comfortable sitting on the steps , he could watch the dog from there . Well , we got our new dog . She is adorable . Dad loves her . She loves Dad , and Thunder is petrified . She chased him , and now he won 't come downstairs . I brought all his furniture , food and litterboxes into my bedroom . I opened up the other bedroom up there , too . I am so upset becaseu he is upset . I wish we never got devil dog . The stairs are blocked so she can 't get up them . She is about 30 pounds , black and white and is supposed to be a Border Collie mix that likes cats . Yeah , right . I 'm ready to turn her loose for the coyotes . I started down the trail yesterday evening with Cruiser . I got down the hill to the first river crossing and it started . First there was a loud screech and then boom … boom … boom … screech . Well , Cruiser is half Arabian - he thought we were entering a warzone and he got very , very frightened . I got off , turned him around and led him back home . We are close to the airport , and every now and then , Canadian geese congregate on the runways . They shoot something at them - sounds like loud fireworks - to get them off the runway . Usually , it is only a few shots , but not last night . I brought him back to the barn to let him unwind . He was petrified . I cleaned stalls as he settled down . When it seemed quiet , I took him back out . He hesitantly , yet bravely headed back into the park . Once he realized it was going to be quiet , he settled down and we had a nice ride . When I got back , it was Cole time . I have been having inconsistent rides in the arena . Sometimes , he is fine . Sometimes , he is very speedy and feisty . Other times , I have troubles with him spooking and trying to take off . ( This is the worst thing he does , but I always catch him before he gets far . ) It has put me off from doing ring work with him . On the weekends , and sometimes if I have enough time before sunset , I have been taking him on the trail where he is more consistent . My hopes are that as his good behavior on the trail becomes a habit , he will transfer it into the arena . Well , I think it is working . It has been nearly a week since I tried the arena , and he was considerably better ! In fact , it was by far , our best arena ride , yet ! We walked and trotted about , practiced transitions and turns and didn 't have a single spook . He got a little goofy towards the end of the ride , so I just started to review very simple things to settle him down and when he was listening , again , we quite for the night . What a relief . I have a long winter ahead where I will mainly be riding in the arena , so I am glad things are starting to work out . Friday and Saturday , he was questioning me as to why he had to go at the gait I wanted to go . When I trotted , he wanted to canter . When I walked , he wanted to trot . We worked through it all , but it was work - - not fun . Sunday , though , he was wonderful . We went with my sister on Ranger , kept the ride at a walk the whole time and that 's what he did - - he walked . He didn 't spook when a dozen motorcycles passed us , he went calmly up the steep hill , and he did better when I led him down the steep hill . Even though the park was chaotic and we rode into the busy area , he acted like he did it his whole life . Next weekend , I have a 4 - day weekend with lots of riding planned ! Oh , it is going to be such a fine weekend . After days of rain , we are going to have warm days of sunshine . We will be doing a lot of riding - - including a trip up to the show ring area with Cole and Ranger on Sunday ! It will only be our second time up there with Cole . He did fair in the indoor arena on Weds . He did sppol a few times and was more hyper than usual at the trot . I think that with all the trail riding , he is getting in better shape , so it takes more to tire him out . I will ride him in the arena tonight and see how it goes . I am taking Cruiser on the trail for a quick ride before sunset . Cruiser is doing well , so there is seldom much to say about him . I certainly appreciate him a lot more now that I have Cole ! I had a 3 - day weekend , which meant 3 days of trail riding ! Friday was perfect , and we had a great time . Saturday and Sunday were drizzly and chilly . We still managed to trail ride , though . We just didn 't go that far . Cole is doing well . His biggest accomplishment this weekend was crossing the river when it was a little higher and muddier than he was accustomed to . He hesitated , but I just kept my legs on him until he took a step . Another thing we worked on was increasing speed on command . He was a little slower , so I decided it was time to ask for more speed at a trot . I simply squeezed my legs , and when he picked up the pace , I released and clicked . He understood right away , but I did it a lot to reinforce the command . I will continue to do it . I 'm hoping that when he really understands , I can get him to canter from the trot on command . We haven 't worked on cantering on the lounge , so we don 't have any cue for it at all . This evening , I will be riding him in the arena for the first time in more than 2 weeks . I don 't know what to expect . How well will he transfer what we have been working on to the arena ? We shall see … Follow is a great game to play with cats . I play it at least once a day with Thunder , and sometimes , depending on his mood , we play many times . I follow him and pet him as we go . He likes to show me whatever is on his mind . If he had spent the afternoon looking out a particular window , he takes me there . I remember when the robins built a nest in the bathroom window . He was constantly taking me there to show me the birds . He likes me to open doors for him , so he will ask me to follow him to a door , than he will put his paw on it to tell me to open it . He then wants me to go into the room with him and explore it - often bursting into a run . Sometimes , he just wants me to follow him until he falls over on his side and wants me to pet him . Of course , if he is hungry , he will bring me to his food . Not all cats do the tail thing . Our Siamese cats didn 't seem to do it . If you have the kind of cat who does , follow him and see where he takes you . You may learn something you didn 't know , and your cat will love the attention . Dad went to the cancer doctor , today , for his check up . He checked out fine , and the doctor told him he should get a dog . So , now that he knows he will live a while longer , he made the decision . He wants a dog . We will start looking , but I sure wouldn 't mind not having a dog over the winter . I am the one that does the dog walking in the dark and in the snow . We shall see how it goes . He wants one as much like our last dog , Pollie , as possible . We will never find a dog that good , and he knows it . He just wants someone to keep him company , and though Thunder is trying his best , my dad is a dog person . I had a very successful weekend with Cole . Friday evening , we had a decent ride in the arena . It was incredibly hot ( 90s ) , so we only did a little trotting . I didn 't want to get him too heated up with his winter coat . He was steady and well behaved . At this point , I can 't ask for much more than that . I was very pleased . Saturday , the weather was chilly . That 's how it goes here in northeast Ohio . I took him out alone about 5 miles round trip on the trail . We did a lot of trotting and ended up and a brand new trail for him . On the way home , we met my sister on foot and walked back with her . It was an A + ride . I was in heaven . I never expected Sunday would be just as good . This time , we went with my sister on Ranger . We did some trotting together . We put Cole in the lead , and he was just fine . My sister was the one with the challenge . Ranger likes to be lead horse , and she had to tactfully keep him behind Cole . We trotted 3 stretches of trail that morning and walked the rest of the time . Cole got an A + again ! It was an amazing weekend . This weekend coming up is a 3 - day one for me . My sister has to work on Saturday , so I will be alone that day . This evening , I will try him in the arena , and Thursday he is getting his feet trimmed . Cole and I had a better than normal arena ride , yesterday . Finally , some improvement ! There was a lot of factors on my side . First , it was hot . Second , I was able to turn him out to play , first . I have been having trouble with the turning out . He doesn 't like it , and pushes , paws and rears at the gate to get out . This time , I stayed in the pen with him and encouraged him to run about . Although he stopped at the gate , a lot , he didn 't show any signs of trying to get out . I 'm starting to think that Cole gets separation anxiety - from me leaving him . The next thing that was on my side , and this is a big one , it was quiet around the barn . The horses that had been turned out alongside the arena weren 't . He couldn 't see them walking past the windows , and they weren 't ' making any unexpected noises . He didn 't spook a single time . He walked and trotted on request and listened most of the time . We were able to practice our turns , circles and transitions . I was so glad to have a good ride in there . This is his second within a week . Maybe winter , when we can 't get on the trail , won 't be so bad , after all . I took Cruiser on a trail ride for about an hour . He was great , of course . I was surprised how sweaty he got , and had to sponge him off when we got back . He has quite a bit of winter coat , already . So does Ranger . Cole hasn 't gotten much coat , yet . I bet he will be cute when he is shaggy . Well , here I am , back from my long weekend . The good news - Cruiser 's hives healed up enough that I was able to ride him the whole time . He was great , of course , he always is . Cole was both good and bad . I took him down trail each of the 4 days . The first day , we did trotting by ourselves . It was his best day , I 'd say . He did nothing terrible except rushing down the first hill . Day 2 , the river was higher and muddy , and I decided to solve the hill problem instead of pushing him with the river . I lounged him and rode him in the arena , to start . It was the best he ever was in the arena , by far . In fact , he seemed like a whole different horse . I think all the trotting on the trail has settled him down to trot in the arena like a gentleman . I was very please . We did the hill 3 times . He got better each time . He stopped rushing down the hill , but he did show some reluctance , a few times . That is normal , of course . We worked through it pretty easy , since my sister was walking with us . I would ask him to go , and when he wouldn 't , she would walk ahead and he would follow . Day 3 was a bit tougher . I headed out by myself , and he was very balky on the hill . I had to grab a stick and use it , fortunately very lightly , to get him to finally move . He didn 't want to go down the river bank , either , but a tickle with the stick got him to change his mind . When we got across , I trotted immediately and he liked that . A couple times , when we were walking , I think he tried to turn around , but I was able to intercept him easily and keep him going . We trotted to the next river crossing , and then waited for my sister to catch up with us on her horse , Ranger . We then rode home , passed it up and headed out to the challenging Lagoon area . I have led him there several times , but never ridden him . It is a very active area that goes along the road and everything is all out in the open . He was very nervous and reluctant to go forward . We suspected problems that are why we brought Ranger along . On the way home , he hit something in one of the river crossings - and took off trotting across ! He charged up the river bank , too . Not good . He was wound up the whole way home . Day 4 was both good and bad . We went with Ranger though the Lagoon , up a very , very steep hill to ride in the back trails in the show ring area . He was fine on the way out , except for extreme reluctance on the same river crossing that he panicked the day before . He went up the big hill like a champ - no rushing or stalling out . He was great all through the back trails - except when that branch swung at him and hit him in the private parts . All I could say , is you aren 't bucked off if you land on your feet , are you ? I led him down the big hill on the way home . He was fine all through the Lagoon and over the problem river . Our biggest problem occurred when I rode him down a small , but steep hill . When he got close the bottom , he decided to trot the rest of the way down . I got him to stop at the bottom , before he went into the street , and when I tried to get him to go back up the hill , he had a temper tantrum that wasn 't pretty . I got him to settle down and then dismounted and led him up and down the distance he trotted 3 times for practice . He did that , perfectly . We were fine the rest of the way home . Tonight , I will ride him in the arena . There is only enough time in the evenings to take one horse down trail , and that is Cruiser - a horse that I can relax and just ride . Someday … It was a challenging ride on Cole , yesterday evening , but all went well just the same . It was a first in 2 ways . I had never taken him on the trail in the evening , and I had never taken him without my sister either on foot or on her horse . I was alone . He was goofy as I led him down the hill to the river . I should have ridden , I think he would have been better . Before crossing the river , he did some sort of dance , but crossed anyways . Later , he did have one spook and tried to turn home . I circled him around , but he insisted it was too scary and he had to go home . I circled him again , and away we went . He tries things , but he isn 't a fighter . He gives up as long as I am firm with him . We did a lot of trotting . In the beginning , I only let him go about a hundred feet , and then we would come back to a walk . A couple times early on , he tried to surge faster on the transitions , and I had to patiently correct him . He started to understand and simply trotted when I asked him to . We got to a spot that where we had plenty of trail , and I let him trot a long distance . He really did well with that . At the end of that stretch , I heard my boyfriend 's voice . He was up the trail on his horse , talking to someone . We waited for him and we rode home together . Cole was a bit in a hurry , and I had to correct him several times when he tried to trot . Overall , it was a good ride considering the circumstances . I have noticed that my horses are always more hyper on evening rides than morning rides . There is a first for everything , and I figured I would just get it over with . My sister called me at work , today . Cruiser has hives that broke out , again . they are in the saddle area . She cleaned him up and put some Betadine on him . I am really sad about this . Not only because I was planning to ride him tonight , but because we took Thursday and Friday off for a 4 - day weekend of riding . I may not be able to ride him at all . This has happened several times this summer , and I don 't know what is causing it . They have been all over his body , but the ones in the saddle area are to worst . If they don 't improve , I will start him on a course of steroids , again . They help a lot , but I don 't like to use them if I don 't have to . Of course , I have Cole to ride , but that means we may have to do things a little different than we wanted to . I haven 't worked with Cole with trotting with other horses . That may be our project . I may take Cole down trail , tonight . I have never ridden him out there in the evening , and if my boyfriend doesn 't show up , it will be the first time that I 'm without either my sister on foot or another horse . We 'll see how that goes . I 'll have to do it , eventually - it may be tonight . I will lounge him a little first , but not too much because daylight is limited . I had a lot of fun with Cole this weekend . Friday evening , we simply worked on lounging . He hasn 't been consistent with it , and since I will be using it more in the cooler weather to take the edge off of him before I ride , I decided I should concentrate on it . Sometimes I feel like I am training 2 different horses . One is an arena horse , and one is a trail horse . The trail horse is far advanced from the arena horse . The first five minutes , he acted like he didn 't remember a thing , but then , something clicked . ( Actually , it was my clicker . ) Suddenly , he understood that I wanted forward motion . Soon , I merely needed to point the whip at him , and he would move off , trotting - not bucking or jumping about . He was trotting 2 - 3 laps at a time , and then I would click and treat him when he looked balance and calm . What in improvement . I will give him at least one more lounging lesson before I start riding him in the arena , again . But , the weekends are for trail riding - - particularly in September in Ohio . Each day , I rode Cruiser with my sister on Ranger . When we got back , it was Cole time . Saturday , I rode him down to the river , crossed itand met my sister , on foot , on the other side . She decided it is now too cold for her to walk through the water . We walked a bit until he seemed quiet , and then I did some short trotting stretches , just like last week , stopping when we would reach her . I needed to make sure he had brakes . Since he wants to stop by her , anyway , it is easy to get him to whoa when we reach her . Now , you people with Quarter Horses are probably laughing at me . If you are , you probably never rode young , barely trained Morgan , Arab or Morab . They are gentle and kind horses with an incredible amount of energy and a love of going and going and going . Why do you think they do well in long distance competitions ? They not only have the physical ability , but the drive . These horse love to go . Brakes are very important . Once I knew I had brakes , I went off on my own and trotted about a quarter mile - stopping once when he decided to canter and 2 more times . He was settling down and getting rhythmic . I was posting . Wow , was that nice . We walked home . I 'm glad to say that he tried trotting without permission far less than the previous weekend when I had him on the trail . Sunday , I knew he would be better . Sundays , he is always better . Once again , I met my sister on the other side of the river . We walked a bit , and then we trotted up to my sister a few times . Things were going pretty good , and I was ready to leave her in the dust . This time , I had about a half mile of trail until the next river crossing where I intended to turn around . I stopped him a couple times before I got there , walked him a bit and went back into the trot . All I could say is it was just simply wonderful . He took light contact on the reins , found a steady rhythm , and was as balanced and perfect as could be . He once we got to that beautiful gait , he neither accelerated nor decelerated . We flew down the trail . Cole was made to do this . Those of you that have been following me for years , know that I love a good , fast trot , and Cruiser has one . Since he bowed his tendon , I have discouraged him from doing it . An extended trot does put some strain on tendons , and Cruiser is too precious to me to risk re - injury . Mingo never believed in speed , so we seldom got up to a fast trot . This was heaven to me . I got to the next river crossing , and Cole didn 't want to stop trotting this time . I persisted , and he agreed , but I didn 't turn around as planned . We walked right across the river to ride further . He felt he should trot on the other side , so I decided it might be better to walk . He had only been ever there a few times , anyway . I went along for about 5 minutes . I did ask for a trot , once , and he was quite excited and out of control . I decided walking was better . I 'm glad he now had reliable brakes . I went a little further and turned back for home . He didn 't want to turn back . He pouted , but at least he walked . After a few minutes , we came across my boyfriend on his horse , Starry . Cole took the lead and headed for the river . He was thrilled to see my sister on the other side . He had to greet her before continuing along the trail . I 'm very glad that he only tried to trot a couple times on the walk home , and that was when we were very close to the barn . By doing so many walk / trot transitions , he seems to be figuring out that I choose the gait . This has been the hardest lesson for him to learn , but I believe he is finally learning it . It is a very satisfying feeling to know we are progressing so well - and so is knowing that I have a horse with such an awesome trot . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . .

King Peter VI wanted a son . He wanted a son who would be brave , and strong , and clever . A prince , who would one day be king , King Peter VII , and rule the kingdom in his father 's place . Now , the king had a daughter , a princess , and she was brave , and strong , and clever . Of course , the king didn 't know that she was , as he was waiting for a prince , a son . He didn 't pay much attention to the princess , because he was one of those kings who believe that a princess just doesn 't matter as much as a prince . As long as a king has a prince or two , then a princess can come in useful : he can always get her married off to the prince of a different kingdom , and so try to keep the two kingdoms friendly - keep it all in the family , as we 'd say . But if he hasn 't got any prince , then what good is a princess ? Some prince will come along and marry her , and later become king . He 'd never have expected his daughter to be brave , and strong , and clever : a princess just doesn 't need to be . These are qualities that a prince ( a future king ) should have . But a princess will never be king : she 'll only be ( maybe ) married to one . So all she needs to be is charming and beautiful , so that some brave , strong , clever prince will want to marry her . And was Princess Martha charming and beautiful ? Well , yes and no . she wasn 't always charming when she was supposed to be , when she was told to be charming , for example , to visiting lords or ambassadors . But if she liked someone , she could be . . . well , I don 't know if " charming " is the right word - it sounds so formal - but she could be very nice to be with . And - as for beautiful - most people , seeing her for the first time , wouldn 't exactly say that she was beautiful ( unless they were just trying to be charming ) . But her close friends , people who really got to know her , all thought that she was . Of course , they meant that inner kind of beauty - not the way somebody looks , but the way they are . Her father hadn 't ever got to know her well . He hadn 't had the time : there are just too many important matters to attend to in ruling a country . So he never got to know that she was beautiful , or could be ( let 's use this word ) charming . Her mother , Queen Eleanor , didn 't have much time for her either . She knew what was wanted of a queen , and spent most of her time being beautiful and charming , and praying for a son , so that the king would be happy . " I were working in the royal dairy at the time , " Alice would tell her , " and I don 't know if it were drinking all that fresh milk , or if it were just being ' round all them cows so much , but the truth is I had so much milk meself , when Jeb were born , that all the servants used to talk about it . A regular cow meself , they said I were . And some of them as said it with wonder , and others as said it as a joke and something to be ashamed for . But why were I to be ashamed for being likened to a cow ? I 've always found cows to be nice creatures : gentle and strong and quiet and warm . Nothing I never see to be ashamed for in that . " Anyway , when you were born , Yer father - He 'd a heard the talk of how much milk I had - said I were to feed you . ' Yer son 's old enough to wean now , ' said Yer father , ' you can give 'm watered - down cows ' milk . ' ' Please , Yer Majesty , ' said I , ' I 'm sure I 've got enough for the two of ' em . ' ' As you like , ' said Yer father , ' on ' y you 'll feed the princess first , and make sure she gets enough , before you give to the other . ' And he looked that surprised I 'd want to bother with feeding the two of you . Well , He 'll never know how nice it can be , and that 's a fact . " It was Alice who 'd carried Martha about as a baby , and Alice who 'd rocked her to sleep . It was Alice who 'd comforted her when she was crying , and sung songs to her when she awoke in the middle of the night , frightened . Alice who told her stories and explained things to her . It was Alice who was most like a mother to her , and Martha loved her more than anyone else in the whole world . And after Alice , Martha loved Jeb best . Oh , there 'd been jealousy between them , of course . Jeb would be jealous of the way Martha always had to be first : fed first , taken care of first , listened to first . And Martha 'd be jealous of Jeb , when she had to be dressed up in a stiff and stuffy dress , to be presented to his Excellency Lord Whatnot , Ambassador of Wherever , and his wife , Lady Whatnot ; then sit through boring conversations , and mind her manners through an endless dinner , while Jeb would be eating bread , cheese , and apples in the orchard with Alice . Or when she had to start taking lessons in how to act like a proper princess : how to speak correctly , how to dance in a ballroom style , how to sit up straight and look majestic , while Jeb was running and laughing outside , and listening to Alice 's stories . " My brother Jeb , " Martha would call him , " two months older than me . " And one day , when they were ten years old , she said : " If you 're my brother , why , you should be a prince ! Just think of it : ' Prince Jeb ' . " But Jeb scowled , spat on the ground , and said : " Shit ! I don 't want to be no prince . Grow up to be a king like Yer father and not have no time for nothing fun anymore . Being grumpy and bossy all the time . Boring , it 'd be . Why , if I were prince , I wouldn 't be allowed to go swimming in the pond with the others from the village . Yer father don 't like that kind of thing . When we see his carriage coming , we 've got to hide in the bushes or he sends a couple of soldiers to chase us . " That year , Jeb began to work in the dairy . He helped to clean out the cows ' stalls , and fill their feeders with hay . Martha and Alice would stop by at least once a day and lend a hand if there was lots to do . If there wasn 't , they 'd sit and chat with Jeb and the other dairy workers . Alice liked especially to show up at milking time . It was her chance to practice her old job for a short time . She 'd settle onto the milking stool with a sigh , put the milk - pail under the cow 's udders , and , leaning her forehead against the cow 's warm side , talk soothingly , almost singing , to the cow , as her fingers squeezed the teats gently but firmly , and the milk hissed into the pail . " It 's good to get a chance to keep my hand in , " she 'd say . And the princess also got a chance to get her hand in , because Alice taught both children how to milk a cow , even though it wasn 't yet part of Jeb 's duties - and never would be , of course , part of Martha 's . " Still , " as Alice would say , it don 't do you no harm , do it ? And it 's a good thing to know where your milk comes from , and how . " she told the children not to forget that the cow was a living animal with feelings , and should always be treated with kindness and respect . After milking , she always stroked the cow 's head , and thanked her for the milk . When the king got to hear that his daughter spent some of her time in the dairy , chatting with the servants , he was angry . He ordered her to put a stop to it at once . Of course , he didn 't have any time to spend with her himself , but some solution would have to be found to keep her out of mischief . Now , it happened that the king was also at this time upset with one of his advisers : the oldest adviser , in fact , whose name was William . William 's advice was too peaceful for King Peter . He gave such advice as to think about it , to be careful , to be not so harsh and strict . The king was tired of listening to this advice , and was thinking of getting rid of William , but he was such a good baldy player , and the king did enjoy a game of baldy . ( " Three bald men " , called " baldy " by everybody for short , was - or is - a very complicated board game , that was very popular with the more educated people in this , and surrounding , kingdoms . I 've never played it myself : in fact , I 've only ever seen it played once , so I 'm not going to be able to explain it to you . ) So now , the king decided that he could solve both problems by making William Martha 's personal teacher . That way , Martha would be kept busy , and William - no longer adviser to the king - would at least have a job that would keep him in the palace , on hand in case the king fancied a game of baldy . So Martha started spending her mornings with William . She learned to read and write and deal with numbers . From him she got her first lessons in the history and geography of her land and the lands around it . He also taught her to play baldy , and showed her the stars through his telescope . In fact , he would talk to her about anything that she wanted to , and would teach her anything that she wanted to learn . " Because , " as He 'd say , " intelligent children should be encouraged to use their intelligence , to think about things . If not , they become bored and boring . " you see , William was intelligent enough himself , and observant and interested enough , to recognise that Martha was intelligent . She had to wait until the evening , after she 'd had dinner , and Jeb had finished his work , if she wanted to see him . She 'd curtsey to her parents , wish them good night , and retire to her bedroom . There , she 'd change into a simple , rather shabby - looking set of clothes that she 'd made from cloth that Alice had brought her . ( In these clothes she didn 't exactly look like a princess , and it was easier for her to move about unnoticed . ) Then , she 'd scramble through the window and , feeling with her fingers and toes for cracks between the stones of the wall , make her way to the ground , where Jeb would be waiting for her , and they 'd be able to have a few hours together . Sometimes they went for walks , and sometimes they went into the village to be with other young people there . It was on such a day as this , exploring the sea cliffs , and carefully following the steep tracks in them that - until then - only sheep had used , that they found their way down to a tiny sandy beach on a bay totally surrounded by cliffs . Martha flopped down on the sand and kicked her sandals off , lying on her front and looking out to sea . She let out a sigh of happiness , and dug her fingers and toes down into the extremely fine sand . Jeb , meanwhile , had flung off his clothes , and was running down to the water . Martha sighed again - not as happily this time - and watched him splashing and diving and swimming to and fro . After a while , he was back and lying beside her . He 'd brought a jumble of seaweed - the kind with the air bubbles in it - and they were both hunting through the seaweed , popping the bubbles between their fingers . It was a very warm day , and Jeb returned several times to the water , to cool himself off with a quick dip . Martha too had taken off her clothes , and was using them , rolled up , as a pillow under her chin . When she 'd decided that there weren 't any more bubbles to pop , she sat up and looked out to sea . Then she looked around again at the beach and the cliffs surrounding it . Digging her hands into the fine dry sand , she lifted a double handful up , and allowed it to trickle through her fingers , down onto Jeb 's back , where it stuck . She picked up more sand and continued . Soon he was covered from neck to toes in a thin layer of the sand . Martha laughed . " Don 't stop though ! " pleaded Martha . " It feels nice . It 's like tickling . . . No , " she corrected herself , " it 's like someone blowing very gently on my back , only warm . Mmmm ! . . . Jeb ? . . . " she continued , " could you . . . could you teach me to swim ? Jeb went on sifting sand up and down her back , and didn 't answer immediately . " Alright , " he said at last . " If you 'll teach me to read . . . " So , on future trips to the beach , Martha took along books , paper , and sticks of charcoal for writing with . And for an hour or so she 'd teach Jeb reading and writing . Then it 'd be Jeb 's turn to teach her swimming . They kept their lessons a secret , and never took anyone to their beach - except , of course , for Alice . Alice was delighted with the beach . She 'd always loved swimming , but the king wouldn 't tolerate any of the palace workers going swimming in the village pond , so it had been ages since she 'd been able to swim at all . And then one day , when they were fifteen years old , it all had to end . Jeb was called from the dairy and told to appear before their Majesties . And to be QUICK about it ! When he entered the throne room , Jeb saw the king and queen on their thrones , looking angry ( the king ) and sternly puzzled ( the queen ) . Martha and Alice were standing to either side and a little behind the royal couple . They looked upset , and a little frightened . " Your name is Jeb , is it ? " roared the king . " Well , boy , word has reached our ears that you and the Princess Martha have been seen swimming in the sea … and WITHOUT any clothes on ! Is this true , BOY ? " " Yes , Your Majesty , it is , " mimicked the king . " And YOU ! " he growled at Alice . " You 're his mother and the Princess Martha 's nurse . Did YOU know about this , or were you not keeping a close enough watch on your charges ? " " I don 't see the harm in it , Yer Majesty , " answered Alice . They grew up together … I used to bathe them together when they were little . " " You WHAT ? ? ! ! " roared the king , while the queen looked shocked . " No , don 't repeat it - we heard what you said . And on WHOSE authority ? " " No HARM in it , eh ? " growled the king . " Well , you see where it 's led to ! Seeing each other naked at their ages ! We suppose you see no harm in that ? ! " " I 've said I don 't , Yer Majesty , " said Alice , trembling and brave . She didn 't add that she , too , often went swimming with them . She didn 't think that mentioning that would help the situation at all . " Yeeees ! We 've done a bit of asking around , and it seems to us that you two spend a bit too much time together , and that you 're altogether too good friends for our liking . Why , you work in the stables , don 't you , boy ? " " Stables , dairy , what 's the … ? What kind of friend is that for a princess ? ! " he turned to Martha : " you , my Dear , are to stop making friends of the servants . It 's certainly not becoming behaviour for a princess . We 'll have to find you a few suitable young ladies to act as ladies - in - waiting . " " Just so , just so . We 'll send messengers to tell them that they may have the position . . . YOU , " he turned to Alice , " are to continue as nurse until the arrival of the two young ladies , and then you may go back to whatever it was that you were doing before you became nurse . Ah …… what was it that you did ? " " In the dairy , eh ? Like your son … Speaking of whom , " said the king , turning to Jeb , " you , YOU , boy , may go with the messenger to the Duke of Markham 's castle . And if he hasn 't got any work for you , you 'll just have to look out for yourself . We don 't want to see your face around here again . Now , go ! " " No , Father , wait ! " burst out Martha . " Why should he be punished ? " It wasn 't his fault . I ordered him to spend time with me , because I haven 't got any other friends . " " Well , you 'll have other friends in the future . We 'll see to that . So you won 't need him any more . And what 's this talk of punishing ? He 's being sent out to Markham , where I 'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for a young man like him . " The king smiled thinly . " And besides , if his mother 's to go back to her old job in the dairy , we have to make room for her . No , " he said , holding up a hand to stop her from interrupting , we have decided . One day , you 'll realise that we 've done the right thing . I said you could go , boy . " As Jeb was leaving , the king turned again to Alice , and said : " Now , until the Princess Martha 's new ladies - in - waiting arrive , we want you to keep a stricter eye on her . We don 't want any more of this kind of trouble , or there 'll be trouble for you . Understood ? … Good . Now , the two of you may go . … No , " ( to Martha , who 'd turned to go out the same way as Jeb . ) " We think it 'd be better if you didn 't see him before he goes . You may spend the rest of the day in your chambers . " he beckoned one of the guards from the side of the room , and said : " Have two of the royal messengers sent in to us at once . And send someone to assure that the Princess Martha doesn 't leave her chambers . " And what a place ! For news was always coming to the palace of the troubles in Markham . Bandits roamed the hills and forests , and could almost never be caught . The duke 's soldiers were attacked again and again as they rode out in the countryside . It was a dangerous place to live , from all accounts , and Alice was worried . " Now , don 't you worry , Alice , " said Jeb , hugging her . " I can take care of myself . You know that … I 'm only sad about leaving you and Martha . " " Oh , Jeb ! Don 't leave . You could just run away and hide near here . Then we 'd be able to see each other . " " Disobey the king ? Then I 'd be an outlaw , hunted like an animal . No , my Dear , I 'll have to go . But I 'll come back some day , when the king 's forgotten me . " " No , I don 't think you can . The king 's told you to look after Martha until these two young ladies arrive . He won 't let you go . And if you ran away , you 'd be an outlaw . Besides , we 'll have to travel to Markham on horseback , and the king 'd never lend you a horse for the journey . You just stay here and look after Martha . Listen here : this messenger I 'm going with isn 't a bad ' un . I know him from years back , and He 's the one who usually carries the messages between here and Markham . Now , I 'll get him to bring you letters from me , and you get Martha to read them to you . And if you want to say anything to me , you just tell her , and she 'll write it down , just like you were talking to me in the same room . Then you give what she writes to this same messenger , and I 'll know how you are , and what all 's happening here . Now don 't let the messenger know that Martha 's got a hand in the letters , or it might cause trouble we don 't need . " Soon after this , the messenger came in to say that all was ready . Jeb hugged his mother once more , and kissed her again and again . " Say goodbye to Martha from me , and give her this kiss … There now , you take care . " The Princess Outlaw ( And Possibly In - law ) Martha was bored . Her two new companions had arrived : Lady Caroline , the seventeen - year - old daughter of the Duchess and Duke of Markham ; and Lady Isabel , the fourteen - year - old daughter of Count Yammany , whose wife had died five years before . Martha found them quite trying company . They 'd walk together in the palace gardens , but whenever Martha suggested going for a walk outside the palace grounds , Isabel would ask why on earth they had to walk when they could ride in a carriage ; and Caroline would start talking about bandits , and the horrible , dirty people who lived outside the palace . " My father says that those people don 't like to be clean . They prefer to be dirty . And we might catch diseases from them . " " My father says that young ladies have no need of reading . He says the more a young lady learns , the less pleasant to be with she becomes . My father says we have enough to do with knowing how to embroider , be charming , and sit prettily . " And Isabel was always talking about how rich things were , how expensive , how much gold , how big the jewels . When they sat together doing some embroidery , Isabel would always use more gold thread than any other kind . The designs she embroidered weren 't very interesting or pretty . But they did have lots and lots of gold thread in them . When Martha suggested they make up stories to tell each other , Isabel 's stories were always full of princesses with long golden hair , and she 'd spend ages describing the fancy lace and jewels that they wore . They always seemed to wear so much gold and silver that Martha 'd wonder how they could move about with all that weight . And they were always being rescued from towers or from dragons by handsome and charming princes who wore golden armour and rode on snow - white horses . Caroline 's stories were generally about knights who went around killing bandits - and rescuing fair maidens , to be sure . Martha asked Caroline about Markham , and was told of a wild land where it was unsafe to go about without twenty or more soldiers for protection . " My father says those bandits would cut your throat as soon as look at you . He says they 'd cut the ears off their own grandmothers if they could get a few pennies for them . My father says we 'd all be murdered in our sleep if the castle weren 't so strongly built or so well guarded . " Sometimes in the late evening , after finishing work , Alice would come and call under Martha 's window . And Martha 'd climb down to her . Together , they 'd go for walks in the moonlight , and talk and talk . But Alice would grow tired quite soon , and have to go home to bed , because she had to get up every morning very early , and work all day . Not very often , but now and then , Alice would have a letter from Jeb in Markham , and they 'd carry the letter and a couple of candles to the far end of the orchard , where Martha 'd read the letter out , while Alice listened ; and they 'd talk and talk and talk about the letter and about Jeb . On these nights , Alice would always be so excited that her face would seem to glow , with a heat that would burn away all her tiredness . And , much later than usual , it 'd be Martha who 'd finally have to go back to her rooms , worn out and sleepy . And Alice would walk up and down the orchard on her own for hours , looking again and again at Jeb 's letter , although she couldn 't read a word . Then , as he got to know them , He 'd write as well about the other kitchen workers , and the others who shared the room where he slept . There were four beds in the room , and two or three boys in each bed . Some - like Jeb - worked in the kitchen , while others worked in the stables , armoury , or smithy . From these other boys , Jeb began to hear of what life in Markham was like . He wrote that most of the boys had stories about someone they knew being robbed or beaten - or even killed - not by bandits , but by the duke 's soldiers . Most people seemed to live in a state of fear that , at any time , the soldiers might show up at their house to steal chickens , goats , or food from the table . And listening to the soldiers as they ate , Jeb heard much the same story ( but told this time not in whispers of fear or in anger , but with jokes and laughter : " So the wretch says : ' you can 't treat my pig that way ! ' And the captain , he says : ' Oh , I can 't , can I ? Who says I can 't ? You fool , I can treat you that way . ' And he pushes the old wretch into the mud , and begins beating him with the stick . Ho ho ho . That was good , that was ! " ) Once or twice , Jeb caught sight of the Duke of Markham himself , when he came down to the soldiers ' dining hall to give new orders and joke with the soldiers . Jeb wrote that he was just as cruel as his men . Once he kicked aside a servant who was carrying a platter of meat and was careless enough to get in the duke 's way , then ordered the man to be whipped for dropping the platter on the floor . The soldiers seemed to regard the duke with a mixture of fear , admiration , and envy . Jeb also heard about the rebels ( or bandits , or outlaws ) who now and then attacked a patrol of soldiers . Some of the boys spoke of them with admiration , while the soldiers spoke of them with a pretended contempt , coloured with fear . Few of them could be caught . And those that were could be tortured and killed - and generally were - without giving any information that could lead to the capture of any other outlaws . They seemed to be ordinary people who 'd left their homes to become outlaws . According to the soldiers , they were thieves and heartless killers , but the boys said that these outlaws never attacked ordinary people : only soldiers and tax collectors . Another boy told how his family had sheltered one of the outlaws for a night . " She told us that if the soldiers found out about it , we were to say that she 'd forced us to help her , and that she 'd stolen the food . You see , if the soldiers find out that you 've helped an outlaw , you get into awful trouble . " And then , the letters stopped coming . The messenger told Alice that he hadn 't seen Jeb on his last three trips , but that that wasn 't unusual . They had a secret hiding place behind the stables , where the messenger would leave Alice 's letters to Jeb , and collect Jeb 's letters for Alice , in case they couldn 't see each other . But Jeb hadn 't taken away the last two letters from Alice , and there were no letters from Jeb left there . Of course , Alice and Martha were worried . What could 've happened to Jeb ? Had he been thrown in prison for some reason , or was he ill ? Had he lost his job and been sent away from the castle ? Had he run away - maybe to start on his way back to them , as He 'd promised Alice ? Or maybe to join the outlaws ? But then , wouldn 't he have left one last letter to say what he was planning to do ? " And not only him . If Jeb 's already in trouble there , He 'd only get into worse if they found out . And if He 's not in trouble already , this might do it . " " Maybe you 're right , " answered Alice , " and it 'd be awful to get him into trouble if He 's not already in it … But what if he is ? Wouldn 't he write if he weren 't ? " She sat for a long time biting her lip and looking down at her hands . Suddenly , she looked up at Martha , and said : " I 'll go to Markham . I 'll go there and find out what 's happened to him . " " I 'll miss you , of course , but it 's been two years I 've been missing Jeb , all because of Yer father . Ordering people around , deciding our lives for us . I 've had enough of it . I 've had it all my life ! You can 't do that , you must do that . Go there , come here , jump ! You must feed the princess first , before Yer own son , and make sure that she 's had enough before he gets a drop . If I 'd a had less milk , it would 've been Jeb not got enough . He 'd a growed up weak , maybe , or even died . It 's happened to others like that . " " Oh , my Darling Dear ! " she cried , flinging her arms around Martha . " Don 't look like that ! It 's not Yer fault , and never has been . You know I love you as if you were my own child . And you love me too , and 've never ordered me about . And I did manage it with the both of you , and Jeb didn 't go wanting . But he could 've done , for all Yer father cared . And I 'm not having my life pushed around like that anymore . " When the sadness , the sorrow , the bitterness had dulled a little , they began to talk about Alice 's plans for going to Markham . Martha offered to give her a horse , but Alice refused it , saying that that would only draw people 's attention to her and make it easier to get caught . She 'd go on foot , and would no doubt get lifts now and then in farmers ' wagons . Martha gave her some money to help her on her way . The night before Alice was due to leave , Martha couldn 't sleep . She climbed out of her window and down to the ground , then made her way in the dark to Alice 's room . She slipped into Alice ' sbed , and at last , with her arms around the older woman , was able to fall asleep . After Alice had left , Martha became even more bored - as well as sadder - and found the company of her two ladies - in - waiting to be even more distasteful . She took to escaping from the palace more and more . Sometimes she 'd go into the village , to visit friends there , though she had to be very careful that she wasn 't seen and recognised by the king 's soldiers . No longer could she sit around with large groups of friends in the tavern or the village square - as she had in times past with Jeb - telling stories , laughing aloud , or singing together . Now she had to visit her friends secretly , shut indoors in their houses , hid away from spying eyes . . . and always with the fear that she might be found , and that her friends would then get into trouble . She thought of Jeb 's letters , of the outlaws in Markham who brought danger to their friends and families , to anyone who helped them . And - because they were his friends as well and she could trust them ( didn 't they prove this by the danger they ran for her ? ) - she told their common friends about Jeb 's reports from Markham . They became a subject of long , long conversations and debates , the sort that Jeb himself had enjoyed so much . She would also spend a lot of time by herself , wandering in the woods and along the sea cliffs . It wasn 't too long before she was found on one of her wanderings by a group of her father 's soldiers , and escorted back to the palace , where she was delivered to her father . The king got extremely angry with her , and ordered her to be confined to her rooms for a full week . In the meantime , He 'd think about a more lasting solution for his disobedient and wilful daughter . Only a few days after this , came news that the Duke of Markham , along with twenty of his soldiers , had been killed when they 'd tried to force into obedience an entire village that had refused to pay its taxes . The report said that it 'd apparently been a trap , the village being full of bandits , just waiting for the soldiers to appear . When Martha heard the news , she thought that it was just as likely that the villagers had got fed up with being pushed around , robbed , and beaten , and had finally decided to fight back . The king was outraged with the news . He almost visibly shook with fury , and called all his advisers together . For six hours they passed suggestions back and forth , but the final plan was mostly of the king 's invention . All Martha 's protests were in vain . The king 's mind was made up . As he explained to the queen , by setting up Markham as a separate kingdom , and handing it over to someone else , it would stop being a problem for him to worry about . And , by sending Martha to live there , she wouldn 't be his problem anymore either . " The kind of man who could rule Markham is the same kind of man who could control Martha . And , as queen , especially as queen of Markham , she 'll soon have to become respectable and responsible . . . And if she doesn 't , well , that 'll be her husband 's problem , not mine . " When Martha heard what the contest was to be , she cheered up , just a little . It was to be divided into three tests : The first test was to carry a very heavy weight from the palace courtyard to the top of a nearby hill , without once letting the weight touch the ground . Guards were to be posted along the way to make sure this didn 't happen . Anyone who dropped the weight was out of the contest . Only contestants with strength and endurance would be left for the second test . The second test was to tell the king what was written on a piece of paper that the king himself was to write and put in a box . The box would then be put in a deep pit in the island in the bay , and two of the palace guard dogs would be left in the pit to guard the box . The king would order the village fishers not to use their boats on the days of the contest , so that contestants could use them to get to the island . Only brave , skilful contestants could pass on to the third test . And this was to beat the princess ' tutor , William , at a game of three bald men . Nobody who wasn 't intelligent and skilful could pass this test , and it was this that cheered Martha up , just a little . William was a very good baldy player , and maybe nobody would be able to win against him . But what if somebody could ? And anyway , Martha hated the idea of being the prize ( or part of the prize ) in a contest - even if nobody won . She continued to protest to her father , but he was set on his plan . Once , when she cried out that she was to get no choice in the matter , he replied , hoping to quieten her objection : " Oh , William , don 't refuse to take part , whatever you do ! " pleaded Martha . " If my father can 't be persuaded to drop the whole horrible idea , you 're my best hope . " But neither of them stopped worrying , and the day of the contest drew closer and closer . In addition to the princes , there were several unmarried dukes , earls , and counts - including not only Lady Isabel 's brother , but also her father , Count Yammany - as well as knights , and quite a few hopeful commoners . For a tailor to become a king ! It was a dream that just might come true . When the king explained what the three tests were to be , most of the would - be contestants shook their heads . They should 've known it was impossible . here was the second of the tests to read a piece of paper , and where were they , poor tailors or farmers or fishermen , supposed to have learned how to read ? ! Quietly , or grumbling , they left the crowd of contestants and joined the crowd of onlookers , either looking sheepish or snapping back angrily when others , their neighbours and friends , ribbed them about their lost dream of a kingdom of their own . " All contestants who pass the first test will be given a copper ring . Those who pass the second test will be given a silver ring . And those who pass the third test will be given a gold ring . Only if you have all three rings can you hope to marry the princess and rule in Markham . If there is more than one contestant with all three rings , the Princess Martha will set a fourth test to decide the absolute winner . " The contest is to end at sunset tomorrow . All three rings must be won by then . The Princess Martha then will have until the next morning to set her own test . . . Let it begin . " And so it began . For the first test , only twenty weights had been prepared , and there were more than a hundred hopeful contestants , so they drew lots to decide in which order they were to start . The king explained to them that they might test the weights and make several attempts to pick them up , but that once each had carried the weight through the palace gates , there 'd be no turning back : only by reaching the top of the hill without dropping the weight could they continue the contest . Of the first twenty , two couldn 't pick up the weights at all ( they were heavy ) and so stepped out of the contest . As one of them - Count Yammany , in fact - said , " What 's the use of killing myself , trying to win ? " their places were taken by two others . Several dropped their weights once , twice , or three times before they left the palace courtyard , but were , according to the rules , allowed to pick them up again , as they hadn 't yet stepped through the palace gates . Three had the misfortune to drop the weight a short distance outside the palace gates , and so had lost their chance . They had their left thumbs stained with purple ink , to make sure that they couldn 't try to start again . Already , the number of competitors was slowly dropping . . . Of the first group of twenty , only nine made it with their weights to the top of the hill , where the captain of the palace guard was waiting to present them with a copper ring each . As each received his ring , he ran down to the sea , where the fishing boats were waiting , pulled up onto the beach . The weights were taken back by cart to the palace , where more contestants awaited their turns . In the throne room sat the king , with Martha and Queen Eleanor on either side of him . The first contestant entered , limping , and with bloodstains on his trousers . He bowed to the king , then to the queen , and to the princess . " Quite right , " he said . " Step forward . " And he handed him a silver ring , and dismissed him . He could go on to the third test , the game of baldy against William . This was where Martha 's hopes lay , and , excusing herself , she went out to watch the game . William won , easily , and Martha 's hopes began to rise . Down at the beach , meanwhile , things had been happening . The fifth contestant to come down from the top of the hill took advantage of the distance he was ahead of the sixth contestant , and smashed holes in as many as he could of the boats drawn up on the beach , before the sixth contestant showed up . Then , on his return from the island , but before reaching the shore , he smashed a hole in his own boat , and swam to shore as it sank . Soon , others were following his example . By the time thirteen contestants had made it to shore , all the boats were destroyed . Anybody who came later had to swim to the island . And if they couldn 't swim ? Well , that was bad luck . When the king heard of this new strategy , he was delighted . " The intelligence test was supposed to come third , " he laughed , " but some of the contestants are already showing themselves be very clever ! That should make the contest more difficult , and we 'll have fewer contestants for the third round . " " WHAT ? ! " roared the king , furious . " Guards ! Have this dolt thrown in the dungeon . " And the knight was dragged off by two of the guards . But , after this , the answer was always the same : " The king is a fool . " When Martha heard the mutterings that something strange had happened , she left off watching the game of baldy then in progress , and hurried to the throne room . When she heard the new message , she burst out laughing , but quickly managed to turn the laugh into a cough , as the king glared in her direction . Martha cheered up even more . This would mean even less contestants for the third test , and therefore less chance of a winner . Only twenty - four had made it through the second test , and of these , eight had already lost at baldy against William . she did think it rather strange , though , that the later contestants ( who in all faith were reporting the message they had read on the piece of paper ) were being counted as having failed , when the real culprit , the one who 'd cheated and insulted the king by making up the new message , was obviously one of the twenty - four who 'd been accepted as passing the test , and might win . At least the poor knight had been let out of the dungeon , as even the king had to admit that it wasn 't actually his fault for having read the wrong message . Aside from which , since then the elder sons of two dukes and the prince of a neighbouring kingdom had also reported the false message , and if He 'd had them thrown into the dungeon , He 'd 've been creating problems for himself . The news was spread that the message on the island had been changed , and that it was no longer worth trying to find it out . The contestants still on the beach , waiting for the boats to be mended , let out a great roar when they heard , as did those finishing or in the middle of the first test . But the king 's decision was final . Now it all depended on William , and as Martha made her way back to the baldy table , she hoped that he wouldn 't fail . But , when she got there , she found the same game going on , that she 'd left when she 'd gone to the throne room . William had taken less time than this one game to beat all the contestants up ' til then . For another hour the game lasted , and it was William who finally lost . Martha 's heart sank . Lady Isabel was overjoyed - for who should the winner be but her brother . So it had happened . There was a winner . Martha watched a few more games , but she felt too numb to pay attention . It didn 't matter now that William took only an hour to beat the next four contestants . William looked at her , and she could read in his eyes that he felt He 'd let her down . She tried , with her own eyes , to let him know that it wasn 't his fault : that she knew He 'd done his best . Then , the third last contestant , Sir Rodney , did something that left everybody shocked . Hardly had the game of baldy begun when he jumped up , took a stick from under his cloak , and began to hit William about the head and shoulders . Everybody was in uproar , and Sir Rodney was soon being held by four guards , while the king shouted : " What 's the meaning of this outrage ? ! " Sir Rodney allowed the uproar to die down . Then , bowing as best he could while being held by four guards , he said : " Please hear me , Your Majesty . I have passed two tests , and needed to pass the third to be able to win the hand of the princess . Now , I knew that I had no chance of winning a game of baldy against this fellow . Why , I hardly know the game . But , if Your Majesty will please remember , the third test was to beat the royal tutor at a game of three bald men . Your Majesty , we were at a game of three bald men , and , as Your Majesty has just seen , I have beaten the royal tutor . " The king considered this argument for a while , first frowning . . . then he burst out laughing . " Well , " he said , " the third test was a test of intelligence , and this shows a certain cunning intelligence ; and is maybe just the sort of thing that would be useful in ruling Markham . Step forward for your gold ring . " Martha ( who 'd rushed to William 's side , and had been making certain that - aside from being stunned - there was no very great damage ) heard the king 's words as if in a daze . Now , extremely angry , with all the colour drained from her face , she shouted : " How could you ? ! I 'd die first rather than marry this . . . this . . . " But she could find no words to describe William 's attacker . She ordered William to go straight to bed , and then announced that she was going to her own rooms . And she was NOT to be called the next day to watch any more of this spectacle . And , with that , she was gone . She locked her door from the inside , and wouldn 't let anyone in : not even her mother . Her father didn 't try to approach her . It was noticed that the light in her room was on until late in the night , and the next day , she didn 't come down to breakfast , or to lunch . In the middle of the morning , there was a surprise . A new contestant showed up . A contestant who didn 't have the look of a duke , or a prince , or even a knight , being dressed in rough cloth , patched in several places . And he must have come a long way , the people pointed out to each other , for he was covered in dust and dirt . And , they continued , he could hardly be a rich man , with that ragged cut of hair and beard . The newcomer asked to see the king , asked to be accepted as a contestant for the princess ' hand . " I 've heard that too , Yer Majesty , and that everybody thinks it 's hopeless . But I don 't believe in giving up hope . Maybe I 've got a talent for reading messages that are no longer there . That 'd come in handy in Markham , doesn 't Yer Majesty think ? " " To hear that you can read at all surprises me . Many of your sort dropped out of this contest because of not being able to read . Where did you learn to read , then ? " To all of the king 's questions , the newcomer had an answer , and the king decided that he might as well be allowed to try the tests . There was no way he could win , but that was his problem , not the king 's . So the newcomer was shown back down to the courtyard , and the weights were pointed out . " And I 've got to carry one of them to the top of that hill ? Without dropping it , of course . Well , that should be easy . " And , emptying the sack that was slung over one shoulder , the stranger put the weight into it , and lifted it back onto the same shoulder , then started out , slowly but surely , in the direction of the hill . The king recognised the cleverness of using the sack . Well , there was nothing in the rules against that . He sent two guards along with the new contestant , to make sure that he didn 't drop the sack and weight before reaching the top . Before very long , they were back , and the stranger was given a copper ring . Then on to the second test . But before going down to the beach , the stranger looked up at Martha 's window . Now , how should he know just which window was hers ? By now , the news had spread about the new arrival , and all the villagers , as well as many of the visiting contestants ( or ex - contestants ) were on the beach to see him check that none of the boats there was seaworthy , before plunging into the water and swimming to the island . There was a general buzz of talk while waiting for him to come back . How could he possibly read a message that was no longer there ? And then they saw him , clambering over the rocks towards them from further up the coast . He must have swum a longer way back to shore . Or had a sea current carried him off course ? " What 's the message ? What 's the message ? " cried the villagers as they crowded around the wet figure making its way up the path towards the palace . It was another long game , and the king watched it with interest . There were one or two points in the game when he wondered whether the beating of the day before hadn 't shaken William up more than He 'd admitted , because he played some rather strange moves . The newcomer , too , showed some surprise , and seemed to consider possible traps being laid , but ended up taking advantage of these seeming mistakes in William 's game . After two hours , the newcomer had won , and received the third , the gold ring . The crowd outside had grown restless , and when they heard the news , a cheer went up . One of their own , a commoner , had won through to the final test ! Now it all depended on the test the princess would set . But the princess knew nothing of this newcomer . They knew , for news had leaked out , that the princess had been locked in her rooms for the whole day . That evening , at sunset , the king himself went to the princess ' door and pounded on it . " It 's sunset : the time is up , and there are four who 've passed all three tests . " No reply . " If you haven 't got a test to set by tomorrow morning , I 'll choose your husband for you . . . " Still no reply , and the king made his way angrily down to the dining hall . Well , at least he would soon be rid of her hard - headedness , one way or another . Two hours later , Martha opened her door , and asked for supper to be brought to her rooms . When the servant brought the supper , Martha asked her about all the excitement she had noticed earlier in the day from her window , and was told about the new contestant . She seemed very interested , and asked the servant all kinds of questions about this new contestant , which surprised the servant , as Martha had never before shown such positive interest in the contest . Truth to tell , the servant had felt sorry for Martha , as had many in the palace , for Martha was well liked , and it was known how much she objected to this whole business . After she 'd finished eating , and listening to all that the servant had to tell her , Martha asked the servant to wait , while she wrote a message for the king : She had thought it over , and was willing to set a test , and to go to Markham with the winner , as long as the king would grant her two requests : that William - and anybody else from the palace or the village who so wished - was to be allowed to accompany her to Markham , and live there . And that the king would provide a horse for each of these people , and enough wagons to carry their combined possessions . On the other hand , he wouldn 't need to send an armed escort . She pointed out that the king could well afford to do without William , for he was getting old . And - as for the king 's need of an excellent baldy player in the palace - several of the competitors had beaten William at the game , and the king would surely be able to persuade one of them to take William 's place . After all , only one of them would win the final test and be going to Markham . " Wouldn 't Sir Rodney make a good playing partner for you ? " she thought wickedly , but she didn 't write that , of course . There was no point in needlessly angering him now . That would only make him less likely to accept her conditions . For the same reason , she didn 't call them conditions : but requests . And she didn 't write that she 'd refuse to go , or cause a big fuss , if he rejected her requests . She didn 't need to . He was intelligent enough to work out for himself that letting William go was a small price to pay for her obedient coöperation . As for the horses and wagons , that would be no problem : he could spare them ; and besides , He 'd be sure to assume that none of his subjects - aside from possibly William , who was obviously fond of the girl - would willingly follow her to that dangerous place . . . she ended the message by politely asking him to think the matter over and have a reply for her in the morning . The next morning , Martha came downstairs looking quite submissive , with a shawl over her head . She insisted that she 'd explain her test on the platform outside the palace gates . When the villagers saw that something was happening , they hurried up to watch . First she quietly asked her father if he agreed to her requests . He said that he did - as long as her husband - to - be didn 't raise any objections . He added that William had already been informed , and was in agreement . Martha then turned to the crowd , and in a loud voice , so that all there could hear , she announced that her father , the king , had graciously granted the following requests . Then she allowed the king to tell the crowd just what he had graciously granted . A buzz of whispering went through the crowd . When it had died down , Martha asked for the four remaining contestants to step forward . But only three presented themselves . The crowd let out a sigh of disappointment . The newcomer wasn 't there ! " No matter , " said Martha . " They tell me that he 's travelled far . Perhaps he 's resting … As the fourth test will not actually take place until this evening , all the contestants will have the whole day to relax … " I would like to thank my father the King for this opportunity to start a new life in Markham … " [ Another buzz spread through the crowd : Did you hear that ? ! Didn 't you tell me she was upset at this whole thing ? And now thanking the king ! A " new life " in Markham ! My oh my ! Just look at the face of His Majesty ! He looks just that surprised by what the Princess has said … ] " For some time now I have been rather unhappy here and I will be glad to leave . I shall be sorry to leave behind friends that I have made here " [ here ladies Isabel and Caroline simpered …] " and only hope that some of you will have decided - or perhaps will soon decide - to join me in this new adventure . " [ … and here they coughed and spluttered . ] " They say that Markham is a dangerous place . This may be true , but there seems to be some doubt as to who suffers moElla Of The Cinders ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® version The Hand Of The Princess ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® versionLa Mano De La Princesa ( versión HTML ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 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King Peter VI wanted a son . He wanted a son who would be brave , and strong , and clever . A prince , who would one day be king , King Peter VII , and rule the kingdom in his father 's place . Now , the king had a daughter , a princess , and she was brave , and strong , and clever . Of course , the king didn 't know that she was , as he was waiting for a prince , a son . He didn 't pay much attention to the princess , because he was one of those kings who believe that a princess just doesn 't matter as much as a prince . As long as a king has a prince or two , then a princess can come in useful : he can always get her married off to the prince of a different kingdom , and so try to keep the two kingdoms friendly - keep it all in the family , as we 'd say . But if he hasn 't got any prince , then what good is a princess ? Some prince will come along and marry her , and later become king . He 'd never have expected his daughter to be brave , and strong , and clever : a princess just doesn 't need to be . These are qualities that a prince ( a future king ) should have . But a princess will never be king : she 'll only be ( maybe ) married to one . So all she needs to be is charming and beautiful , so that some brave , strong , clever prince will want to marry her . And was Princess Martha charming and beautiful ? Well , yes and no . she wasn 't always charming when she was supposed to be , when she was told to be charming , for example , to visiting lords or ambassadors . But if she liked someone , she could be . . . well , I don 't know if " charming " is the right word - it sounds so formal - but she could be very nice to be with . And - as for beautiful - most people , seeing her for the first time , wouldn 't exactly say that she was beautiful ( unless they were just trying to be charming ) . But her close friends , people who really got to know her , all thought that she was . Of course , they meant that inner kind of beauty - not the way somebody looks , but the way they are . Her father hadn 't ever got to know her well . He hadn 't had the time : there are just too many important matters to attend to in ruling a country . So he never got to know that she was beautiful , or could be ( let 's use this word ) charming . Her mother , Queen Eleanor , didn 't have much time for her either . She knew what was wanted of a queen , and spent most of her time being beautiful and charming , and praying for a son , so that the king would be happy . " I were working in the royal dairy at the time , " Alice would tell her , " and I don 't know if it were drinking all that fresh milk , or if it were just being ' round all them cows so much , but the truth is I had so much milk meself , when Jeb were born , that all the servants used to talk about it . A regular cow meself , they said I were . And some of them as said it with wonder , and others as said it as a joke and something to be ashamed for . But why were I to be ashamed for being likened to a cow ? I 've always found cows to be nice creatures : gentle and strong and quiet and warm . Nothing I never see to be ashamed for in that . " Anyway , when you were born , Yer father - He 'd a heard the talk of how much milk I had - said I were to feed you . ' Yer son 's old enough to wean now , ' said Yer father , ' you can give 'm watered - down cows ' milk . ' ' Please , Yer Majesty , ' said I , ' I 'm sure I 've got enough for the two of ' em . ' ' As you like , ' said Yer father , ' on ' y you 'll feed the princess first , and make sure she gets enough , before you give to the other . ' And he looked that surprised I 'd want to bother with feeding the two of you . Well , He 'll never know how nice it can be , and that 's a fact . " It was Alice who 'd carried Martha about as a baby , and Alice who 'd rocked her to sleep . It was Alice who 'd comforted her when she was crying , and sung songs to her when she awoke in the middle of the night , frightened . Alice who told her stories and explained things to her . It was Alice who was most like a mother to her , and Martha loved her more than anyone else in the whole world . And after Alice , Martha loved Jeb best . Oh , there 'd been jealousy between them , of course . Jeb would be jealous of the way Martha always had to be first : fed first , taken care of first , listened to first . And Martha 'd be jealous of Jeb , when she had to be dressed up in a stiff and stuffy dress , to be presented to his Excellency Lord Whatnot , Ambassador of Wherever , and his wife , Lady Whatnot ; then sit through boring conversations , and mind her manners through an endless dinner , while Jeb would be eating bread , cheese , and apples in the orchard with Alice . Or when she had to start taking lessons in how to act like a proper princess : how to speak correctly , how to dance in a ballroom style , how to sit up straight and look majestic , while Jeb was running and laughing outside , and listening to Alice 's stories . " My brother Jeb , " Martha would call him , " two months older than me . " And one day , when they were ten years old , she said : " If you 're my brother , why , you should be a prince ! Just think of it : ' Prince Jeb ' . " But Jeb scowled , spat on the ground , and said : " Shit ! I don 't want to be no prince . Grow up to be a king like Yer father and not have no time for nothing fun anymore . Being grumpy and bossy all the time . Boring , it 'd be . Why , if I were prince , I wouldn 't be allowed to go swimming in the pond with the others from the village . Yer father don 't like that kind of thing . When we see his carriage coming , we 've got to hide in the bushes or he sends a couple of soldiers to chase us . " That year , Jeb began to work in the dairy . He helped to clean out the cows ' stalls , and fill their feeders with hay . Martha and Alice would stop by at least once a day and lend a hand if there was lots to do . If there wasn 't , they 'd sit and chat with Jeb and the other dairy workers . Alice liked especially to show up at milking time . It was her chance to practice her old job for a short time . She 'd settle onto the milking stool with a sigh , put the milk - pail under the cow 's udders , and , leaning her forehead against the cow 's warm side , talk soothingly , almost singing , to the cow , as her fingers squeezed the teats gently but firmly , and the milk hissed into the pail . " It 's good to get a chance to keep my hand in , " she 'd say . And the princess also got a chance to get her hand in , because Alice taught both children how to milk a cow , even though it wasn 't yet part of Jeb 's duties - and never would be , of course , part of Martha 's . " Still , " as Alice would say , it don 't do you no harm , do it ? And it 's a good thing to know where your milk comes from , and how . " she told the children not to forget that the cow was a living animal with feelings , and should always be treated with kindness and respect . After milking , she always stroked the cow 's head , and thanked her for the milk . When the king got to hear that his daughter spent some of her time in the dairy , chatting with the servants , he was angry . He ordered her to put a stop to it at once . Of course , he didn 't have any time to spend with her himself , but some solution would have to be found to keep her out of mischief . Now , it happened that the king was also at this time upset with one of his advisers : the oldest adviser , in fact , whose name was William . William 's advice was too peaceful for King Peter . He gave such advice as to think about it , to be careful , to be not so harsh and strict . The king was tired of listening to this advice , and was thinking of getting rid of William , but he was such a good baldy player , and the king did enjoy a game of baldy . ( " Three bald men " , called " baldy " by everybody for short , was - or is - a very complicated board game , that was very popular with the more educated people in this , and surrounding , kingdoms . I 've never played it myself : in fact , I 've only ever seen it played once , so I 'm not going to be able to explain it to you . ) So now , the king decided that he could solve both problems by making William Martha 's personal teacher . That way , Martha would be kept busy , and William - no longer adviser to the king - would at least have a job that would keep him in the palace , on hand in case the king fancied a game of baldy . So Martha started spending her mornings with William . She learned to read and write and deal with numbers . From him she got her first lessons in the history and geography of her land and the lands around it . He also taught her to play baldy , and showed her the stars through his telescope . In fact , he would talk to her about anything that she wanted to , and would teach her anything that she wanted to learn . " Because , " as He 'd say , " intelligent children should be encouraged to use their intelligence , to think about things . If not , they become bored and boring . " you see , William was intelligent enough himself , and observant and interested enough , to recognise that Martha was intelligent . She had to wait until the evening , after she 'd had dinner , and Jeb had finished his work , if she wanted to see him . She 'd curtsey to her parents , wish them good night , and retire to her bedroom . There , she 'd change into a simple , rather shabby - looking set of clothes that she 'd made from cloth that Alice had brought her . ( In these clothes she didn 't exactly look like a princess , and it was easier for her to move about unnoticed . ) Then , she 'd scramble through the window and , feeling with her fingers and toes for cracks between the stones of the wall , make her way to the ground , where Jeb would be waiting for her , and they 'd be able to have a few hours together . Sometimes they went for walks , and sometimes they went into the village to be with other young people there . It was on such a day as this , exploring the sea cliffs , and carefully following the steep tracks in them that - until then - only sheep had used , that they found their way down to a tiny sandy beach on a bay totally surrounded by cliffs . Martha flopped down on the sand and kicked her sandals off , lying on her front and looking out to sea . She let out a sigh of happiness , and dug her fingers and toes down into the extremely fine sand . Jeb , meanwhile , had flung off his clothes , and was running down to the water . Martha sighed again - not as happily this time - and watched him splashing and diving and swimming to and fro . After a while , he was back and lying beside her . He 'd brought a jumble of seaweed - the kind with the air bubbles in it - and they were both hunting through the seaweed , popping the bubbles between their fingers . It was a very warm day , and Jeb returned several times to the water , to cool himself off with a quick dip . Martha too had taken off her clothes , and was using them , rolled up , as a pillow under her chin . When she 'd decided that there weren 't any more bubbles to pop , she sat up and looked out to sea . Then she looked around again at the beach and the cliffs surrounding it . Digging her hands into the fine dry sand , she lifted a double handful up , and allowed it to trickle through her fingers , down onto Jeb 's back , where it stuck . She picked up more sand and continued . Soon he was covered from neck to toes in a thin layer of the sand . Martha laughed . " Don 't stop though ! " pleaded Martha . " It feels nice . It 's like tickling . . . No , " she corrected herself , " it 's like someone blowing very gently on my back , only warm . Mmmm ! . . . Jeb ? . . . " she continued , " could you . . . could you teach me to swim ? Jeb went on sifting sand up and down her back , and didn 't answer immediately . " Alright , " he said at last . " If you 'll teach me to read . . . " So , on future trips to the beach , Martha took along books , paper , and sticks of charcoal for writing with . And for an hour or so she 'd teach Jeb reading and writing . Then it 'd be Jeb 's turn to teach her swimming . They kept their lessons a secret , and never took anyone to their beach - except , of course , for Alice . Alice was delighted with the beach . She 'd always loved swimming , but the king wouldn 't tolerate any of the palace workers going swimming in the village pond , so it had been ages since she 'd been able to swim at all . And then one day , when they were fifteen years old , it all had to end . Jeb was called from the dairy and told to appear before their Majesties . And to be QUICK about it ! When he entered the throne room , Jeb saw the king and queen on their thrones , looking angry ( the king ) and sternly puzzled ( the queen ) . Martha and Alice were standing to either side and a little behind the royal couple . They looked upset , and a little frightened . " Your name is Jeb , is it ? " roared the king . " Well , boy , word has reached our ears that you and the Princess Martha have been seen swimming in the sea … and WITHOUT any clothes on ! Is this true , BOY ? " " Yes , Your Majesty , it is , " mimicked the king . " And YOU ! " he growled at Alice . " You 're his mother and the Princess Martha 's nurse . Did YOU know about this , or were you not keeping a close enough watch on your charges ? " " I don 't see the harm in it , Yer Majesty , " answered Alice . They grew up together … I used to bathe them together when they were little . " " You WHAT ? ? ! ! " roared the king , while the queen looked shocked . " No , don 't repeat it - we heard what you said . And on WHOSE authority ? " " No HARM in it , eh ? " growled the king . " Well , you see where it 's led to ! Seeing each other naked at their ages ! We suppose you see no harm in that ? ! " " I 've said I don 't , Yer Majesty , " said Alice , trembling and brave . She didn 't add that she , too , often went swimming with them . She didn 't think that mentioning that would help the situation at all . " Yeeees ! We 've done a bit of asking around , and it seems to us that you two spend a bit too much time together , and that you 're altogether too good friends for our liking . Why , you work in the stables , don 't you , boy ? " " Stables , dairy , what 's the … ? What kind of friend is that for a princess ? ! " he turned to Martha : " you , my Dear , are to stop making friends of the servants . It 's certainly not becoming behaviour for a princess . We 'll have to find you a few suitable young ladies to act as ladies - in - waiting . " " Just so , just so . We 'll send messengers to tell them that they may have the position . . . YOU , " he turned to Alice , " are to continue as nurse until the arrival of the two young ladies , and then you may go back to whatever it was that you were doing before you became nurse . Ah …… what was it that you did ? " " In the dairy , eh ? Like your son … Speaking of whom , " said the king , turning to Jeb , " you , YOU , boy , may go with the messenger to the Duke of Markham 's castle . And if he hasn 't got any work for you , you 'll just have to look out for yourself . We don 't want to see your face around here again . Now , go ! " " No , Father , wait ! " burst out Martha . " Why should he be punished ? " It wasn 't his fault . I ordered him to spend time with me , because I haven 't got any other friends . " " Well , you 'll have other friends in the future . We 'll see to that . So you won 't need him any more . And what 's this talk of punishing ? He 's being sent out to Markham , where I 'm sure there are plenty of opportunities for a young man like him . " The king smiled thinly . " And besides , if his mother 's to go back to her old job in the dairy , we have to make room for her . No , " he said , holding up a hand to stop her from interrupting , we have decided . One day , you 'll realise that we 've done the right thing . I said you could go , boy . " As Jeb was leaving , the king turned again to Alice , and said : " Now , until the Princess Martha 's new ladies - in - waiting arrive , we want you to keep a stricter eye on her . We don 't want any more of this kind of trouble , or there 'll be trouble for you . Understood ? … Good . Now , the two of you may go . … No , " ( to Martha , who 'd turned to go out the same way as Jeb . ) " We think it 'd be better if you didn 't see him before he goes . You may spend the rest of the day in your chambers . " he beckoned one of the guards from the side of the room , and said : " Have two of the royal messengers sent in to us at once . And send someone to assure that the Princess Martha doesn 't leave her chambers . " And what a place ! For news was always coming to the palace of the troubles in Markham . Bandits roamed the hills and forests , and could almost never be caught . The duke 's soldiers were attacked again and again as they rode out in the countryside . It was a dangerous place to live , from all accounts , and Alice was worried . " Now , don 't you worry , Alice , " said Jeb , hugging her . " I can take care of myself . You know that … I 'm only sad about leaving you and Martha . " " Oh , Jeb ! Don 't leave . You could just run away and hide near here . Then we 'd be able to see each other . " " Disobey the king ? Then I 'd be an outlaw , hunted like an animal . No , my Dear , I 'll have to go . But I 'll come back some day , when the king 's forgotten me . " " No , I don 't think you can . The king 's told you to look after Martha until these two young ladies arrive . He won 't let you go . And if you ran away , you 'd be an outlaw . Besides , we 'll have to travel to Markham on horseback , and the king 'd never lend you a horse for the journey . You just stay here and look after Martha . Listen here : this messenger I 'm going with isn 't a bad ' un . I know him from years back , and He 's the one who usually carries the messages between here and Markham . Now , I 'll get him to bring you letters from me , and you get Martha to read them to you . And if you want to say anything to me , you just tell her , and she 'll write it down , just like you were talking to me in the same room . Then you give what she writes to this same messenger , and I 'll know how you are , and what all 's happening here . Now don 't let the messenger know that Martha 's got a hand in the letters , or it might cause trouble we don 't need . " Soon after this , the messenger came in to say that all was ready . Jeb hugged his mother once more , and kissed her again and again . " Say goodbye to Martha from me , and give her this kiss … There now , you take care . " The Princess Outlaw ( And Possibly In - law ) Martha was bored . Her two new companions had arrived : Lady Caroline , the seventeen - year - old daughter of the Duchess and Duke of Markham ; and Lady Isabel , the fourteen - year - old daughter of Count Yammany , whose wife had died five years before . Martha found them quite trying company . They 'd walk together in the palace gardens , but whenever Martha suggested going for a walk outside the palace grounds , Isabel would ask why on earth they had to walk when they could ride in a carriage ; and Caroline would start talking about bandits , and the horrible , dirty people who lived outside the palace . " My father says that those people don 't like to be clean . They prefer to be dirty . And we might catch diseases from them . " " My father says that young ladies have no need of reading . He says the more a young lady learns , the less pleasant to be with she becomes . My father says we have enough to do with knowing how to embroider , be charming , and sit prettily . " And Isabel was always talking about how rich things were , how expensive , how much gold , how big the jewels . When they sat together doing some embroidery , Isabel would always use more gold thread than any other kind . The designs she embroidered weren 't very interesting or pretty . But they did have lots and lots of gold thread in them . When Martha suggested they make up stories to tell each other , Isabel 's stories were always full of princesses with long golden hair , and she 'd spend ages describing the fancy lace and jewels that they wore . They always seemed to wear so much gold and silver that Martha 'd wonder how they could move about with all that weight . And they were always being rescued from towers or from dragons by handsome and charming princes who wore golden armour and rode on snow - white horses . Caroline 's stories were generally about knights who went around killing bandits - and rescuing fair maidens , to be sure . Martha asked Caroline about Markham , and was told of a wild land where it was unsafe to go about without twenty or more soldiers for protection . " My father says those bandits would cut your throat as soon as look at you . He says they 'd cut the ears off their own grandmothers if they could get a few pennies for them . My father says we 'd all be murdered in our sleep if the castle weren 't so strongly built or so well guarded . " Sometimes in the late evening , after finishing work , Alice would come and call under Martha 's window . And Martha 'd climb down to her . Together , they 'd go for walks in the moonlight , and talk and talk . But Alice would grow tired quite soon , and have to go home to bed , because she had to get up every morning very early , and work all day . Not very often , but now and then , Alice would have a letter from Jeb in Markham , and they 'd carry the letter and a couple of candles to the far end of the orchard , where Martha 'd read the letter out , while Alice listened ; and they 'd talk and talk and talk about the letter and about Jeb . On these nights , Alice would always be so excited that her face would seem to glow , with a heat that would burn away all her tiredness . And , much later than usual , it 'd be Martha who 'd finally have to go back to her rooms , worn out and sleepy . And Alice would walk up and down the orchard on her own for hours , looking again and again at Jeb 's letter , although she couldn 't read a word . Then , as he got to know them , He 'd write as well about the other kitchen workers , and the others who shared the room where he slept . There were four beds in the room , and two or three boys in each bed . Some - like Jeb - worked in the kitchen , while others worked in the stables , armoury , or smithy . From these other boys , Jeb began to hear of what life in Markham was like . He wrote that most of the boys had stories about someone they knew being robbed or beaten - or even killed - not by bandits , but by the duke 's soldiers . Most people seemed to live in a state of fear that , at any time , the soldiers might show up at their house to steal chickens , goats , or food from the table . And listening to the soldiers as they ate , Jeb heard much the same story ( but told this time not in whispers of fear or in anger , but with jokes and laughter : " So the wretch says : ' you can 't treat my pig that way ! ' And the captain , he says : ' Oh , I can 't , can I ? Who says I can 't ? You fool , I can treat you that way . ' And he pushes the old wretch into the mud , and begins beating him with the stick . Ho ho ho . That was good , that was ! " ) Once or twice , Jeb caught sight of the Duke of Markham himself , when he came down to the soldiers ' dining hall to give new orders and joke with the soldiers . Jeb wrote that he was just as cruel as his men . Once he kicked aside a servant who was carrying a platter of meat and was careless enough to get in the duke 's way , then ordered the man to be whipped for dropping the platter on the floor . The soldiers seemed to regard the duke with a mixture of fear , admiration , and envy . Jeb also heard about the rebels ( or bandits , or outlaws ) who now and then attacked a patrol of soldiers . Some of the boys spoke of them with admiration , while the soldiers spoke of them with a pretended contempt , coloured with fear . Few of them could be caught . And those that were could be tortured and killed - and generally were - without giving any information that could lead to the capture of any other outlaws . They seemed to be ordinary people who 'd left their homes to become outlaws . According to the soldiers , they were thieves and heartless killers , but the boys said that these outlaws never attacked ordinary people : only soldiers and tax collectors . Another boy told how his family had sheltered one of the outlaws for a night . " She told us that if the soldiers found out about it , we were to say that she 'd forced us to help her , and that she 'd stolen the food . You see , if the soldiers find out that you 've helped an outlaw , you get into awful trouble . " And then , the letters stopped coming . The messenger told Alice that he hadn 't seen Jeb on his last three trips , but that that wasn 't unusual . They had a secret hiding place behind the stables , where the messenger would leave Alice 's letters to Jeb , and collect Jeb 's letters for Alice , in case they couldn 't see each other . But Jeb hadn 't taken away the last two letters from Alice , and there were no letters from Jeb left there . Of course , Alice and Martha were worried . What could 've happened to Jeb ? Had he been thrown in prison for some reason , or was he ill ? Had he lost his job and been sent away from the castle ? Had he run away - maybe to start on his way back to them , as He 'd promised Alice ? Or maybe to join the outlaws ? But then , wouldn 't he have left one last letter to say what he was planning to do ? " And not only him . If Jeb 's already in trouble there , He 'd only get into worse if they found out . And if He 's not in trouble already , this might do it . " " Maybe you 're right , " answered Alice , " and it 'd be awful to get him into trouble if He 's not already in it … But what if he is ? Wouldn 't he write if he weren 't ? " She sat for a long time biting her lip and looking down at her hands . Suddenly , she looked up at Martha , and said : " I 'll go to Markham . I 'll go there and find out what 's happened to him . " " I 'll miss you , of course , but it 's been two years I 've been missing Jeb , all because of Yer father . Ordering people around , deciding our lives for us . I 've had enough of it . I 've had it all my life ! You can 't do that , you must do that . Go there , come here , jump ! You must feed the princess first , before Yer own son , and make sure that she 's had enough before he gets a drop . If I 'd a had less milk , it would 've been Jeb not got enough . He 'd a growed up weak , maybe , or even died . It 's happened to others like that . " " Oh , my Darling Dear ! " she cried , flinging her arms around Martha . " Don 't look like that ! It 's not Yer fault , and never has been . You know I love you as if you were my own child . And you love me too , and 've never ordered me about . And I did manage it with the both of you , and Jeb didn 't go wanting . But he could 've done , for all Yer father cared . And I 'm not having my life pushed around like that anymore . " When the sadness , the sorrow , the bitterness had dulled a little , they began to talk about Alice 's plans for going to Markham . Martha offered to give her a horse , but Alice refused it , saying that that would only draw people 's attention to her and make it easier to get caught . She 'd go on foot , and would no doubt get lifts now and then in farmers ' wagons . Martha gave her some money to help her on her way . The night before Alice was due to leave , Martha couldn 't sleep . She climbed out of her window and down to the ground , then made her way in the dark to Alice 's room . She slipped into Alice ' sbed , and at last , with her arms around the older woman , was able to fall asleep . After Alice had left , Martha became even more bored - as well as sadder - and found the company of her two ladies - in - waiting to be even more distasteful . She took to escaping from the palace more and more . Sometimes she 'd go into the village , to visit friends there , though she had to be very careful that she wasn 't seen and recognised by the king 's soldiers . No longer could she sit around with large groups of friends in the tavern or the village square - as she had in times past with Jeb - telling stories , laughing aloud , or singing together . Now she had to visit her friends secretly , shut indoors in their houses , hid away from spying eyes . . . and always with the fear that she might be found , and that her friends would then get into trouble . She thought of Jeb 's letters , of the outlaws in Markham who brought danger to their friends and families , to anyone who helped them . And - because they were his friends as well and she could trust them ( didn 't they prove this by the danger they ran for her ? ) - she told their common friends about Jeb 's reports from Markham . They became a subject of long , long conversations and debates , the sort that Jeb himself had enjoyed so much . She would also spend a lot of time by herself , wandering in the woods and along the sea cliffs . It wasn 't too long before she was found on one of her wanderings by a group of her father 's soldiers , and escorted back to the palace , where she was delivered to her father . The king got extremely angry with her , and ordered her to be confined to her rooms for a full week . In the meantime , He 'd think about a more lasting solution for his disobedient and wilful daughter . Only a few days after this , came news that the Duke of Markham , along with twenty of his soldiers , had been killed when they 'd tried to force into obedience an entire village that had refused to pay its taxes . The report said that it 'd apparently been a trap , the village being full of bandits , just waiting for the soldiers to appear . When Martha heard the news , she thought that it was just as likely that the villagers had got fed up with being pushed around , robbed , and beaten , and had finally decided to fight back . The king was outraged with the news . He almost visibly shook with fury , and called all his advisers together . For six hours they passed suggestions back and forth , but the final plan was mostly of the king 's invention . All Martha 's protests were in vain . The king 's mind was made up . As he explained to the queen , by setting up Markham as a separate kingdom , and handing it over to someone else , it would stop being a problem for him to worry about . And , by sending Martha to live there , she wouldn 't be his problem anymore either . " The kind of man who could rule Markham is the same kind of man who could control Martha . And , as queen , especially as queen of Markham , she 'll soon have to become respectable and responsible . . . And if she doesn 't , well , that 'll be her husband 's problem , not mine . " When Martha heard what the contest was to be , she cheered up , just a little . It was to be divided into three tests : The first test was to carry a very heavy weight from the palace courtyard to the top of a nearby hill , without once letting the weight touch the ground . Guards were to be posted along the way to make sure this didn 't happen . Anyone who dropped the weight was out of the contest . Only contestants with strength and endurance would be left for the second test . The second test was to tell the king what was written on a piece of paper that the king himself was to write and put in a box . The box would then be put in a deep pit in the island in the bay , and two of the palace guard dogs would be left in the pit to guard the box . The king would order the village fishers not to use their boats on the days of the contest , so that contestants could use them to get to the island . Only brave , skilful contestants could pass on to the third test . And this was to beat the princess ' tutor , William , at a game of three bald men . Nobody who wasn 't intelligent and skilful could pass this test , and it was this that cheered Martha up , just a little . William was a very good baldy player , and maybe nobody would be able to win against him . But what if somebody could ? And anyway , Martha hated the idea of being the prize ( or part of the prize ) in a contest - even if nobody won . She continued to protest to her father , but he was set on his plan . Once , when she cried out that she was to get no choice in the matter , he replied , hoping to quieten her objection : " Oh , William , don 't refuse to take part , whatever you do ! " pleaded Martha . " If my father can 't be persuaded to drop the whole horrible idea , you 're my best hope . " But neither of them stopped worrying , and the day of the contest drew closer and closer . In addition to the princes , there were several unmarried dukes , earls , and counts - including not only Lady Isabel 's brother , but also her father , Count Yammany - as well as knights , and quite a few hopeful commoners . For a tailor to become a king ! It was a dream that just might come true . When the king explained what the three tests were to be , most of the would - be contestants shook their heads . They should 've known it was impossible . here was the second of the tests to read a piece of paper , and where were they , poor tailors or farmers or fishermen , supposed to have learned how to read ? ! Quietly , or grumbling , they left the crowd of contestants and joined the crowd of onlookers , either looking sheepish or snapping back angrily when others , their neighbours and friends , ribbed them about their lost dream of a kingdom of their own . " All contestants who pass the first test will be given a copper ring . Those who pass the second test will be given a silver ring . And those who pass the third test will be given a gold ring . Only if you have all three rings can you hope to marry the princess and rule in Markham . If there is more than one contestant with all three rings , the Princess Martha will set a fourth test to decide the absolute winner . " The contest is to end at sunset tomorrow . All three rings must be won by then . The Princess Martha then will have until the next morning to set her own test . . . Let it begin . " And so it began . For the first test , only twenty weights had been prepared , and there were more than a hundred hopeful contestants , so they drew lots to decide in which order they were to start . The king explained to them that they might test the weights and make several attempts to pick them up , but that once each had carried the weight through the palace gates , there 'd be no turning back : only by reaching the top of the hill without dropping the weight could they continue the contest . Of the first twenty , two couldn 't pick up the weights at all ( they were heavy ) and so stepped out of the contest . As one of them - Count Yammany , in fact - said , " What 's the use of killing myself , trying to win ? " their places were taken by two others . Several dropped their weights once , twice , or three times before they left the palace courtyard , but were , according to the rules , allowed to pick them up again , as they hadn 't yet stepped through the palace gates . Three had the misfortune to drop the weight a short distance outside the palace gates , and so had lost their chance . They had their left thumbs stained with purple ink , to make sure that they couldn 't try to start again . Already , the number of competitors was slowly dropping . . . Of the first group of twenty , only nine made it with their weights to the top of the hill , where the captain of the palace guard was waiting to present them with a copper ring each . As each received his ring , he ran down to the sea , where the fishing boats were waiting , pulled up onto the beach . The weights were taken back by cart to the palace , where more contestants awaited their turns . In the throne room sat the king , with Martha and Queen Eleanor on either side of him . The first contestant entered , limping , and with bloodstains on his trousers . He bowed to the king , then to the queen , and to the princess . " Quite right , " he said . " Step forward . " And he handed him a silver ring , and dismissed him . He could go on to the third test , the game of baldy against William . This was where Martha 's hopes lay , and , excusing herself , she went out to watch the game . William won , easily , and Martha 's hopes began to rise . Down at the beach , meanwhile , things had been happening . The fifth contestant to come down from the top of the hill took advantage of the distance he was ahead of the sixth contestant , and smashed holes in as many as he could of the boats drawn up on the beach , before the sixth contestant showed up . Then , on his return from the island , but before reaching the shore , he smashed a hole in his own boat , and swam to shore as it sank . Soon , others were following his example . By the time thirteen contestants had made it to shore , all the boats were destroyed . Anybody who came later had to swim to the island . And if they couldn 't swim ? Well , that was bad luck . When the king heard of this new strategy , he was delighted . " The intelligence test was supposed to come third , " he laughed , " but some of the contestants are already showing themselves be very clever ! That should make the contest more difficult , and we 'll have fewer contestants for the third round . " " WHAT ? ! " roared the king , furious . " Guards ! Have this dolt thrown in the dungeon . " And the knight was dragged off by two of the guards . But , after this , the answer was always the same : " The king is a fool . " When Martha heard the mutterings that something strange had happened , she left off watching the game of baldy then in progress , and hurried to the throne room . When she heard the new message , she burst out laughing , but quickly managed to turn the laugh into a cough , as the king glared in her direction . Martha cheered up even more . This would mean even less contestants for the third test , and therefore less chance of a winner . Only twenty - four had made it through the second test , and of these , eight had already lost at baldy against William . she did think it rather strange , though , that the later contestants ( who in all faith were reporting the message they had read on the piece of paper ) were being counted as having failed , when the real culprit , the one who 'd cheated and insulted the king by making up the new message , was obviously one of the twenty - four who 'd been accepted as passing the test , and might win . At least the poor knight had been let out of the dungeon , as even the king had to admit that it wasn 't actually his fault for having read the wrong message . Aside from which , since then the elder sons of two dukes and the prince of a neighbouring kingdom had also reported the false message , and if He 'd had them thrown into the dungeon , He 'd 've been creating problems for himself . The news was spread that the message on the island had been changed , and that it was no longer worth trying to find it out . The contestants still on the beach , waiting for the boats to be mended , let out a great roar when they heard , as did those finishing or in the middle of the first test . But the king 's decision was final . Now it all depended on William , and as Martha made her way back to the baldy table , she hoped that he wouldn 't fail . But , when she got there , she found the same game going on , that she 'd left when she 'd gone to the throne room . William had taken less time than this one game to beat all the contestants up ' til then . For another hour the game lasted , and it was William who finally lost . Martha 's heart sank . Lady Isabel was overjoyed - for who should the winner be but her brother . So it had happened . There was a winner . Martha watched a few more games , but she felt too numb to pay attention . It didn 't matter now that William took only an hour to beat the next four contestants . William looked at her , and she could read in his eyes that he felt He 'd let her down . She tried , with her own eyes , to let him know that it wasn 't his fault : that she knew He 'd done his best . Then , the third last contestant , Sir Rodney , did something that left everybody shocked . Hardly had the game of baldy begun when he jumped up , took a stick from under his cloak , and began to hit William about the head and shoulders . Everybody was in uproar , and Sir Rodney was soon being held by four guards , while the king shouted : " What 's the meaning of this outrage ? ! " Sir Rodney allowed the uproar to die down . Then , bowing as best he could while being held by four guards , he said : " Please hear me , Your Majesty . I have passed two tests , and needed to pass the third to be able to win the hand of the princess . Now , I knew that I had no chance of winning a game of baldy against this fellow . Why , I hardly know the game . But , if Your Majesty will please remember , the third test was to beat the royal tutor at a game of three bald men . Your Majesty , we were at a game of three bald men , and , as Your Majesty has just seen , I have beaten the royal tutor . " The king considered this argument for a while , first frowning . . . then he burst out laughing . " Well , " he said , " the third test was a test of intelligence , and this shows a certain cunning intelligence ; and is maybe just the sort of thing that would be useful in ruling Markham . Step forward for your gold ring . " Martha ( who 'd rushed to William 's side , and had been making certain that - aside from being stunned - there was no very great damage ) heard the king 's words as if in a daze . Now , extremely angry , with all the colour drained from her face , she shouted : " How could you ? ! I 'd die first rather than marry this . . . this . . . " But she could find no words to describe William 's attacker . She ordered William to go straight to bed , and then announced that she was going to her own rooms . And she was NOT to be called the next day to watch any more of this spectacle . And , with that , she was gone . She locked her door from the inside , and wouldn 't let anyone in : not even her mother . Her father didn 't try to approach her . It was noticed that the light in her room was on until late in the night , and the next day , she didn 't come down to breakfast , or to lunch . In the middle of the morning , there was a surprise . A new contestant showed up . A contestant who didn 't have the look of a duke , or a prince , or even a knight , being dressed in rough cloth , patched in several places . And he must have come a long way , the people pointed out to each other , for he was covered in dust and dirt . And , they continued , he could hardly be a rich man , with that ragged cut of hair and beard . The newcomer asked to see the king , asked to be accepted as a contestant for the princess ' hand . " I 've heard that too , Yer Majesty , and that everybody thinks it 's hopeless . But I don 't believe in giving up hope . Maybe I 've got a talent for reading messages that are no longer there . That 'd come in handy in Markham , doesn 't Yer Majesty think ? " " To hear that you can read at all surprises me . Many of your sort dropped out of this contest because of not being able to read . Where did you learn to read , then ? " To all of the king 's questions , the newcomer had an answer , and the king decided that he might as well be allowed to try the tests . There was no way he could win , but that was his problem , not the king 's . So the newcomer was shown back down to the courtyard , and the weights were pointed out . " And I 've got to carry one of them to the top of that hill ? Without dropping it , of course . Well , that should be easy . " And , emptying the sack that was slung over one shoulder , the stranger put the weight into it , and lifted it back onto the same shoulder , then started out , slowly but surely , in the direction of the hill . The king recognised the cleverness of using the sack . Well , there was nothing in the rules against that . He sent two guards along with the new contestant , to make sure that he didn 't drop the sack and weight before reaching the top . Before very long , they were back , and the stranger was given a copper ring . Then on to the second test . But before going down to the beach , the stranger looked up at Martha 's window . Now , how should he know just which window was hers ? By now , the news had spread about the new arrival , and all the villagers , as well as many of the visiting contestants ( or ex - contestants ) were on the beach to see him check that none of the boats there was seaworthy , before plunging into the water and swimming to the island . There was a general buzz of talk while waiting for him to come back . How could he possibly read a message that was no longer there ? And then they saw him , clambering over the rocks towards them from further up the coast . He must have swum a longer way back to shore . Or had a sea current carried him off course ? " What 's the message ? What 's the message ? " cried the villagers as they crowded around the wet figure making its way up the path towards the palace . It was another long game , and the king watched it with interest . There were one or two points in the game when he wondered whether the beating of the day before hadn 't shaken William up more than He 'd admitted , because he played some rather strange moves . The newcomer , too , showed some surprise , and seemed to consider possible traps being laid , but ended up taking advantage of these seeming mistakes in William 's game . After two hours , the newcomer had won , and received the third , the gold ring . The crowd outside had grown restless , and when they heard the news , a cheer went up . One of their own , a commoner , had won through to the final test ! Now it all depended on the test the princess would set . But the princess knew nothing of this newcomer . They knew , for news had leaked out , that the princess had been locked in her rooms for the whole day . That evening , at sunset , the king himself went to the princess ' door and pounded on it . " It 's sunset : the time is up , and there are four who 've passed all three tests . " No reply . " If you haven 't got a test to set by tomorrow morning , I 'll choose your husband for you . . . " Still no reply , and the king made his way angrily down to the dining hall . Well , at least he would soon be rid of her hard - headedness , one way or another . Two hours later , Martha opened her door , and asked for supper to be brought to her rooms . When the servant brought the supper , Martha asked her about all the excitement she had noticed earlier in the day from her window , and was told about the new contestant . She seemed very interested , and asked the servant all kinds of questions about this new contestant , which surprised the servant , as Martha had never before shown such positive interest in the contest . Truth to tell , the servant had felt sorry for Martha , as had many in the palace , for Martha was well liked , and it was known how much she objected to this whole business . After she 'd finished eating , and listening to all that the servant had to tell her , Martha asked the servant to wait , while she wrote a message for the king : She had thought it over , and was willing to set a test , and to go to Markham with the winner , as long as the king would grant her two requests : that William - and anybody else from the palace or the village who so wished - was to be allowed to accompany her to Markham , and live there . And that the king would provide a horse for each of these people , and enough wagons to carry their combined possessions . On the other hand , he wouldn 't need to send an armed escort . She pointed out that the king could well afford to do without William , for he was getting old . And - as for the king 's need of an excellent baldy player in the palace - several of the competitors had beaten William at the game , and the king would surely be able to persuade one of them to take William 's place . After all , only one of them would win the final test and be going to Markham . " Wouldn 't Sir Rodney make a good playing partner for you ? " she thought wickedly , but she didn 't write that , of course . There was no point in needlessly angering him now . That would only make him less likely to accept her conditions . For the same reason , she didn 't call them conditions : but requests . And she didn 't write that she 'd refuse to go , or cause a big fuss , if he rejected her requests . She didn 't need to . He was intelligent enough to work out for himself that letting William go was a small price to pay for her obedient coöperation . As for the horses and wagons , that would be no problem : he could spare them ; and besides , He 'd be sure to assume that none of his subjects - aside from possibly William , who was obviously fond of the girl - would willingly follow her to that dangerous place . . . she ended the message by politely asking him to think the matter over and have a reply for her in the morning . The next morning , Martha came downstairs looking quite submissive , with a shawl over her head . She insisted that she 'd explain her test on the platform outside the palace gates . When the villagers saw that something was happening , they hurried up to watch . First she quietly asked her father if he agreed to her requests . He said that he did - as long as her husband - to - be didn 't raise any objections . He added that William had already been informed , and was in agreement . Martha then turned to the crowd , and in a loud voice , so that all there could hear , she announced that her father , the king , had graciously granted the following requests . Then she allowed the king to tell the crowd just what he had graciously granted . A buzz of whispering went through the crowd . When it had died down , Martha asked for the four remaining contestants to step forward . But only three presented themselves . The crowd let out a sigh of disappointment . The newcomer wasn 't there ! " No matter , " said Martha . " They tell me that he 's travelled far . Perhaps he 's resting … As the fourth test will not actually take place until this evening , all the contestants will have the whole day to relax … " I would like to thank my father the King for this opportunity to start a new life in Markham … " [ Another buzz spread through the crowd : Did you hear that ? ! Didn 't you tell me she was upset at this whole thing ? And now thanking the king ! A " new life " in Markham ! My oh my ! Just look at the face of His Majesty ! He looks just that surprised by what the Princess has said … ] " For some time now I have been rather unhappy here and I will be glad to leave . I shall be sorry to leave behind friends that I have made here " [ here ladies Isabel and Caroline simpered …] " and only hope that some of you will have decided - or perhaps will soon decide - to join me in this new adventure . " [ … and here they coughed and spluttered . ] " They say that Markham is a dangerous place . This may be true , but there seems to be some doubt as to who suffers moElla Of The Cinders ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® version The Hand Of The Princess ( HTML version ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Acrobat Reader ® versionLa Mano De La Princesa ( versión HTML ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 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Author 's Note : This story is a birthday gift for my good friend Aciel . Thank you for always supporting my writing , and for not giving up on my series even though they take me so long to write . December 2007 ( Revised October 2009 ) . When I originally wrote this story , I was going to make it a stand alone story in the Friendship series , but now I 've decided to make it Chapter 9 . ( Previously called ' Rebellion ' ) Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Non consensual disciplinary spanking of an adult by a parental figure . Lex chuckled as he turned back to the hoeing . He wondered what they would say . Seeing a rated R movie at fourteen didn 't seem like a big deal to Lex , but then drinking a glass of wine at twenty didn 't seem like a big deal to him either , and the Kents still wouldn 't let him drink . Stretching , he could tell his shoulders would be sore tomorrow . It usually took a week or two of being back on the farm , before his muscles got into the routine of manual labor . He muttered , " I need to go to the gym more during school . " Starring off into the distance , he thought about the phone conversation he 'd had with Lionel a week ago , after finishing off his sophomore year in college . Lionel hadn 't demanded that he work at Luthorcorp the way Lex was expecting . He 'd just told Lex that he wanted him to be happy , and if the Kents made him happy then he should spend the summer with them . Shaking his head , Lex decided not to worry about it , and to just be happy he could stay with his family without distractions for the next three months . " I 've seen plenty of horror films , and trust me when I say they 're all pretty lame . The plot will most likely be incomprehensible . The acting will be mediocre at best . The special effects will be obvious . The characters will be one dimensional and idiotic . It 's not worth the money to go see it , " Lex said , trying to cheer the boy up . " I don 't want to talk about it anymore . " Clark shoved the hoe into the ground in anger , and it broke in half . Surprised , he looked down at the piece of hoe still in his hand . " Great . Now I 'm gonna have to pay for a new one . " Clark glared off into the field and tossed the piece of hoe as far as he could . Watching the piece of wood until it became a little dot in the sky , Lex tried to come up with some way to make Clark feel better . He pulled some money out of his wallet , and handed it to Clark . " For the hoe . " Feeling bad for him , Lex put an arm around his shoulders and said , " No problem little brother . Why don 't you super speed through the rest of the weeding , and then I 'll take you into town . We can buy a new hoe before Pop even knows the old one is broken . " Lex handed over his hoe , and stood still while Clark finished up the weeding in a few seconds . Once it was done , Lex said , " Go put the hoe away , and let me talk to our parents . " He headed in to the house with the thought of making Clark feel better . Jonathan was on the kitchen floor , trying to repair the dishwasher , while Martha was making cookies . Martha saw Lex and smiled . " Taking a break ? " Jonathan and Martha exchanged a look , and Jonathan got up from the floor . He looked at his watch , and then back to Lex . " You 're done ? " Jonathan put his hands on his hips . " Clark 's not having a very good day , because he 's pouting . I don 't think that kind of behavior should be rewarded , and I don 't remember giving him permission to use his abilities to get the weeding done . " Having trouble seeing Jonathan 's side of things , Lex couldn 't help but come to Clark 's defense . Crossing his arms , he said , " Clark 's pouting because you 're being over protective . He 's almost fifteen , he should be allowed to see the movie . And I told him to speed through the weeding , because we 're going to go into town for a while so I can cheer him up . " Jonathan was too surprised to respond for a moment , so Martha said with calm , " Lex , it 's very sweet of you to try and make your brother happy when he 's upset , but we 're the parents , not you . If you disagree with a decision we 've made , you can talk to us calmly about it , and give us your opinion , but the final decision is up to us . That goes for both you and Clark . " Having heard enough back talk from both his kids for the day , Jonathan walked up to Lex , grabbed his arm , and marched him over to the kitchen table . Realizing quickly that he had gone too far , Lex 's stomach sank , as he tried unsuccessfully to get away . " Noooo ! " With one bent leg resting on the kitchen table , and one foot on the floor , Jonathan hauled Lex across his leg over the table . He wrapped an arm around Lex 's waist , and gave him ten quick swats , that weren 't all that hard . The boy squirmed , but didn 't cry out . Keeping Lex in place , Jonathan stopped swatting , and said , " You know Lex , it hasn 't been all that long since the last time I spanked you . I 'm surprised you 're so mouthy . I know you 're an adult now , and for the most part you can come and go as you please . But make no mistake here kiddo , I do have a say in where you go , if the only reason you want to go somewhere , is to prove you don 't like my parenting . " He drove that point home , with ten more of the lighter then usual swats , and said , " You and Clark can clean out the stalls for the rest of the day today , to make up for the work you didn 't do this morning . Do I need to give you more incentive to behave , or are we done with this discussion ? " Not quite believing it , but willing to let it go for now , Jonathan gave Lex one hard swat and let him up . The boy ' owed ' , stood up , and backed away a few feet . Jonathan pointed a finger at him and said , " I want all the stalls cleaned out , and new hay put in , and I want all the horses rubbed down . " He noticed that Lex wouldn 't look him in the eye , but did nod to show he 'd understood . " Send Clark in to talk to me . " Walking out the kitchen door , Lex found Clark standing on the porch giving him a worried look . He 'd obviously overheard what had happened , and was having a hard time keeping eye contact . Giving Clark a sad little smile , Lex said , " Guess we 're not going to town . Pop wants to talk to you . " Clark had been feeling guilty , that Lex had gotten in trouble trying to stand up for him , but now he was worried about his own behind . " Talk ? You mean talk , or you know , talk ? " Once Clark had gone inside , Lex headed to the barn , and thought about what had happened . The more he thought about it , the more annoyed he got . He loved the Kents , and honestly did think of them as his family now , but he couldn 't stop himself from thinking he was twenty , and could do whatever the hell he wanted , no matter what Jonathan said . And the more that thought went through his head , the more his mind worked on finding a way to get what he wanted . A few minutes later , Clark joined him in the barn . " You okay ? " Relieved that his brother hadn 't been swatted too , Lex went back to his work . They both shoveled silently , busy with their own thoughts . Ten minutes into the work , Lex had what he considered to be a great idea , and said , " Hey Clark . " Clark turned to him , but as Lex opened his mouth to talk , he realized Clark would never go for his plan . No matter how angry Clark was with his parents , he was way too ' good ' to go along with the things Lex was thinking . Frowning Lex said , " Never mind . " Nodding , Lex got back to his work , and reconsidered his plan . He thought about what had happened when he 'd asked Clark to lie for him about visiting his Dad while the Kents were away . That was the first time he 'd heard Clark getting spanked , and he 'd felt guilty for weeks that he 'd gotten the kid in trouble . He also remembered that he 'd told Clark , to tell him to screw off if he ever had another plan like it . More sure then before , that Clark would put an end to the plan before it ever got started , Lex kept his ideas to himself . Over the next half an hour Lex perfected his plan . He didn 't plan on getting caught , but knew there was a slim chance that something would go wrong , and needed to make sure Clark wouldn 't be in trouble , even if he did . Once he had it all laid out in his mind , he told Clark he was going to get a drink of water . But instead , walked around to the back of the barn , pulled his cell phone out , and made a phone call . That night at dinner , Lex was having second thoughts . He 'd had time to calm down , and once the stalls were done , Jonathan had told both the boys he was proud of them for sticking with the work , even though they were both having a bad day . Lex was about to excuse himself to make another call , when the phone rang . Martha answered it . " Hello ? " Jonathan could tell Lex was already upset about seeing his father , and it hadn 't even happened yet . Feeling protective , he said , " I 'll go with you . We 'll get it done , and come home . " Face turning red , he remembered pulling a gun on Lionel . He took a deep breath , and looked Martha in the eye when he said , " Mom I don 't know how to put this nicely , so I 'm just going to spell it out for you . aving Dad and Pop in the same room together is a homicide waiting to happen . hey both have good reasons to hate each other , and I don 't want to be stuck in the middle . he same goes for you too . " Everyone looked over at him with surprise . Clark took a second to look at each of them as he spoke . " I 'm the perfect choice . Lionel doesn 't see me as any kind of threat , and like it or not Lex , I know you 'll be nicer with me around . Plus I 'm the only one who can guarantee no violence will take place . If someone tries something , I can keep them separated , take weapons away , or super speed Lex away . " Absorbed in their own thoughts , everyone ate quietly for the next few seconds . Instead of eating , Lex pushed the food around on his plate , cursing himself . His plan had gone better then he 'd hoped , and felt guiltier , and less deserving of his family , than he had in a very long time . The next day , after the morning chores were done , Lex and Clark got ready to go . Jonathan stood by the door with his hands in his pockets feeling helpless , while Martha repeated last minute instructions to the boys . " Drive safe , and call us when you get there . If you start to get upset , remember Clark is there to help you through it . Clark , be respectful , and don 't let anyone see you use your abilities , unless it 's absolutely necessary . Let us know how it went as soon as you 're done . " Clark just nodded , but Lex said , " It 's probably going to take a couple of hours . Nothing can be quick when my father 's involved . I 'm sure he 'll want us to stay for lunch . We 'll call when we get there , but then you shouldn 't expect another call for two or three hours . " For a while , the conversation flowed normally , as they talked about school and friends . When there was a natural lull in the conversation , Clark looked out the window . " I think you missed the turn for the mansion . " Now that the plan was in motion , Lex decided there was no turning back . Hoping he could convince Clark to go along with it , Lex said , " Look Clark , I know you 're a good kid , and that 's why I didn 't let you in on my decision until now . " Glancing over at Clark , Lex could tell he was both confused and worried . " My father never called , that was a friend of mine . He 's imitated my father 's voice for me in the past when I needed him to . He does a bunch of impersonations , and he 's really funny at parties . ut I suppose that 's not the point . " Clark was dumbstruck . He sat staring at Lex with wide eyes , at a loss for words , and horrified at the truth of the matter . When Lex darted a glance his way , Clark said , " Dad 's gonna kill you . " They looked at each other for a second , trying to figure the other out . Then Lex said , " Come on Clark , it 'll be fun . We can go to the movie , and then you can tell all your friends about it . We get a day away from the farm , and we get to spend some time together . All you have to do is keep quiet about it . " Getting angry , Clark shook his head . " I can 't ! And you know I can 't . I 'm not good at lying , and I don 't even want to . " Lex pleaded , " Just think about it for a few minutes . Don 't you want to see that movie ? You 're not going to be able to any other way , and when we get home , I 'll do all the talking . " " Do you remember what happened the last time you asked me to just keep my mouth shut ? I don 't want to get in trouble ! " " But that 's the beauty of this plan . You won 't be in trouble , because you can honestly say that you didn 't know about it . It was all me . " Lex felt his face heat up in anger and embarrassment . He yelled , " No ! Of course not ! I just don 't think Pop should be telling me what I can and can 't do , and it 's not going to be a problem anyway , because he 's not going to find out about this . " Now Clark wasn 't just angry , he was confused . " How can you say that ? Both Mom and Dad are worried about you right now . They 're both going to want to hear all about it . You 'll have to make up some elaborate lie . How can you play with their emotions like that ? " He could hear the truth in Clark 's words , but that just made him more angry . Lex yelled , " I 'll just tell them I don 't want to talk about it ! It 's not my fault that they 're worried . I didn 't ask them to hover over me all the time ! I can take care of myself . You know what ? I started all of this because I felt sorry for you . I should have known you were too much of a wuss to ever do something fun . " Frustrated and hurt , Clark turned away from Lex and looked out the window . He started to cry quietly and hoped that Lex couldn 't see . Lex looked over at the back of Clark 's head , and sighed . A few minutes later he realized Clark was crying , and felt his anger turn to guilt . He wished he 'd never come up with the whole idea in the first place . " I 'm sorry . " Getting no response from Clark , Lex drove in silence until they got to town . Parking near the theater , Lex turned the car off , and looked at Clark , who was still avoiding his eyes . Putting a hand on Clark 's shoulder he said quietly , " When I first thought about doing this I was mad , and then I was about to change my mind when my friend called . But then when you all got so concerned for me ell then I felt guilty , and I couldn 't exactly tell everyone what I 'd done at that point . nd now I don 't know what to do . I know it was wrong of me , and I 'm embarrassed that I did it , so I don 't want Pop to find out . B t at the same time I don 't want to make you lie about it either . W at do you want to do ? I you want me to go right back to the farm and confess . I uess that 's what I 'll do . " . Swallowing once , Lex took a deep breath , and nodded , expecting Clark to tell him to head for home . But instead , Clark looked out at the movie theater for a few seconds . While the kid was thinking , Lex said , " Let 's walk down to the hardware store so we can buy a new hoe , while you decide what we should do . " They both thought about their predicament as they walked to the store . As they were leaving , they practically ran into Lana and a few of her friends . Lana waved at Clark and said , " Hi Clark . " Clark felt slightly ill , and tripped over the hoe he was carrying . He heard some of Lana 's friends laughing , but Lana squatted down , and held out her hand to help him up . " Are you okay ? " Clark felt even more ill , and could only nod as he stared at her hand . Seeing that Clark wasn 't going to take Lana 's hand , Lex reached down , and helped him stand with a hand on Clark 's bicep . Lex said , " What are you ladies up to this afternoon ? " One of the girls , who looked older then the others , gave Lex a dazzling smile , and said , " We 're going to see ' Blood on the Horizon ' . It just opened this week . Would you like to join us ? " Looking over at Clark with shock , Lex could tell that Clark couldn 't see anyone else on the street besides Lana . Lex turned back to the older girl , and gave her a smile in return . " We 'll meet you over at the theater in a few minutes . " " Really ? That sucks . " Then Lex chuckled and said , " You 'd be clumsy around her no matter what . Let 's go see the movie . " Lex got out his cell phone , dialed , and put it up to his ear . " Pop ? We 're here , and we 're fine . I 'll call you when we get done okay ? Okay I will . Bye . " Realizing there was no turning back now , Clark felt ill . But thoughts of Lana quickly replaced thoughts of his father fiinding out what they 'd done . The kid looked kind of pale , so Lex put an arm around his shoulder and said , " We 'll work on our cover story on the way home . " Clark felt ill through the whole movie , but thought it was completely worth it , since he got to sit beside Lana . He was especially happy , when she covered her eyes , and hid her head on his shoulder during the really bloody parts . He was too distracted by Lana , to even notice what was going on in the movie or with Lex . Lex was sitting with the older girl , a few rows behind the younger kids . Through talking , Lex found out she was the older sister of one of the girls , and that her name was Abby . He realized quickly , that she knew exactly who he was , and that she was hitting on him . They ended up kissing during a large portion of the movie . When it was over , Abby gave him her phone number before heading home with the girls . The lights came up in the theater , and when Lex saw that Clark was still sitting , he moved up to sit next to him . " What 's up ? Is something wrong ? " Clark grinned , " No , everything 's great . Thanks for taking me , Lex . It was awesome . I just didn 't think my legs would work very well around Lana , and I didn 't want to end the movie by falling on my face . " " Look , I don 't want to be in trouble any more then you do , but I 'm not good at lying , and you 'll feel guilty about it for weeks if you do . Maybe if we tell the truth we 'll just get grounded with extra chores . Dad always goes easier on us if we 're being honest . " Lex shook his head . " You 're probably right that you 'd just get grounded , but I 'm pretty sure I 'd be in for more then that . How about we make it a really simple lie , that doesn 't have much explanation to it . We can say that my dad got stuck in Metropolis , and we had to wait for a delivery service to bring the papers for me to sign . There wouldn 't be much else to tell , and they wouldn 't have to worry about any confrontation with my dad . " Some theater staff members came in and started to clean . Lex headed towards the exit and Clark followed . Lex said quietly , " Think about it for a few minutes . Do you really want to end this day grounded , or worse ? " Clark shook his head no , and did think about it while they headed to the car . Clark was lost in his thoughts , and it took him a few seconds to realize , that Lex wasn 't walking beside him anymore . He turned , and saw Lex a few feet back , with a look of surprise and dread on his face . Clark looked in the direction Lex was staring , and saw his mother standing beside Lex 's car , obviously angry . Clark whispered , " Crap ! What now ? " Lex was at a loss , and felt his stomach twisting . Not only was he going to get spanked , but Clark was probably going to get spanked too . As if having to see the disappointment in both his parents eyes at what he had done wasn 't going to be bad enough . Taking a deep breath , he started walking again , and said , " I have no idea . " Taking a deep breath of her own , Martha said , " I was waiting here , worrying about you two , and wondering what had gone wrong at the mansion . But as soon as I saw the look on your faces " he turned away , knowing that if she continued , she would be yelling . ex said , " I 'm so sorry . was " t Cutting him off , she said , " I 'm too upset to hear it right now . I 'll talk to you both when you decide to come home from whatever it is you 've been doing . " She walked away , and got in the truck which was parked a few feet away . She didn 't look back at them as she pulled out . Clark saw her wiping tears off her face through the truck window . Turning to Lex , he said , " That 's not good . We don 't want to be far behind her . If she 's crying when she gets home , and Dad sees how upset she is f we 're not there , trying to make up for it , then we 'll have done two things wrong . " Wanting to throw up the popcorn he 'd eaten , Lex nodded and got in his car along with Clark . They drove towards the farm in silence . When they got close to the farm , Lex said , " Let me do the talking . " " Why , are you going to try and lie ? " " No . I 'm going to make sure they know it 's not your fault . I know I 'm in for it , but you don 't have to be . " Shaking his head , Clark said , " I agreed to go to the movie , and I knew it was wrong at the time . It isn 't entirely your fault Lex . If I hadn 't made such a big deal about the movie yesterday , the whole thing never would have happened . Not that I want to be in trouble too , but if I do get spanked , grounded , or both , you shouldn 't feel guilty about it . " They pulled up to the farm as Martha was getting out of the truck . Jonathan walked out to the porch with a concerned look . " What 's wrong ? " They sat together on the sofa , and could hear Martha talking to Jonathan in the kitchen . " I was on my way to the market , and saw Lex 's Porsche downtown . I pulled over , thinking something must have gone wrong with his father , and waited for them . An hour later they came walking up , and as soon as they saw me , I could tell that they were up to no good . I don 't know what they were doing , but I intend to find out . " Lex kept his head down , and laid it all out for them . " I was angry yesterday when Pop told me I couldn 't go into town , and in the heat of the moment , I called a friend of mine who does a good impersonation of my father . He called that night pretending to be him , so that Clark and I would have an excuse to be gone for a few hours today . But then then you all were so worried about me and I guess if I 'd thought it through , I would have realized you would be , but at the time I idn 't want you to worry ; I just wanted an excuse . Th n Clark went and offered to go with me , instead of me suggesting it . I lmost called it off , but you were all being so protective , and I was being such a jerk . " Lex added , " I knew he 'd try to talk me out of it , so I kept it to myself . He didn 't know until he realized we passed the road to the mansion . Then I told him we could go see the movie together , but when he found out , he tried to talk me out of it . In fact we were about to head for home so I could confess like he suggested , when we ran into some girls " Lex turned to Clark , not knowing if he had told his folks about his infatuation with Lana . Clark muttered to his lap , " Lana was going to the movie , and asked us to go too . I knew it was wrong when I agreed to see it , but ut I did it anyway , and I 'm sorry . " Slightly frustrated by Clark 's abundance of honesty , Lex said , " You would have done the right thing Clark . I 'm sure of it . " Martha said , " Is that it ? Anything else you want to add ? " Martha turned to Jonathan , who looked fit to be tied . Martha wasn 't at all happy herself . She turned back to them and said , " Both of you go to your rooms , while your father and I talk . " " Maybe he deserves to feel that much worse . He lied repeatedly , and set up a scam to get his way , after I told him he couldn 't do something . " Martha rested her head on Jonathan 's shoulder , and said , " You know what I just realized ? " " He didn 't once call me Mrs . Kent when he was upset . Usually if Lex knows he 's in trouble , he slips up . He didn 't call you Mr . Kent either . " Martha sat up , and said . " Lex may not realize it , but what he just did is normal teenage rebellion . He 's not worried that we won 't love him . He 's not worried about getting kicked out . He 's just seeing how far he can push , and seeing what he can get away with . I think that 's a big step forward . And I think he 's realizing , that teen rebellion in our house , is not the same kind of fun that it was in Lionel 's house . " Martha could hear the regret in Jonathan 's voice already . " I know , and unfortunately I agree . We know the kinds of things he did to get attention when he really was a teenager . We need to give this one a lot of negative attention , so that he realizes very quickly that it 's not something he wants to keep trying . " She came in , and sat down next to him on the bed . Clark saw his father walk into Lex 's bedroom across the hall , and shut the door behind him , and considered the possibility that he wasn 't going to get spanked , even if Lex was . Martha put a hand over his shoulders , and said , " Dad and I are really proud of the way you tried to talk Lex into confessing today . And we understand that girls in general , and especially Lana , have some influence on your behavior . But going to that movie , after we told you that you couldn 't see it , was wrong and you know it . " He nodded and she continued . " You 're grounded from all movies for the rest of the summer , both in the theater and on television . " Clark didn 't like the idea of no movies all summer . There were two big movies coming out soon , that he was excited to see . But he kept his mouth shut , expecting there to be more punishment to come for what he 'd done . After a few seconds of silence , Clark timidly asked , " Is that it ? " His eyes filled at the site of the belt , and he shook his head , not wanting to think about how many lies he had told , or how many swats that would turn into . He stammered out , " Um ne at dinner last night . ne this morning before we left , and one when I called you . so three . " r Knowing this would mean twenty swats , Lex shook his head vehimently , and took a few steps back . He pleaded , " No Pop ! Please , it 's not like that t 's I 's not that bad I ' really sorry already and . " Jonathan cut him off . " You come here right now , young man . I 'm not putting up with this kind of behavior from you . When I tell you no , I mean it , and you know better then to lie to me . " With a sigh , Jonathan set the belt down , and stood up . Walking to Lex , Jonathan put a hand on his shoulder , and said , " If you had confessed last night at dinner , I would have given you extra chores to do . If you had turned the car around and confessed before you went to the movie , you would have been grounded for a couple of weeks . If you had called and confessed right after the movie , I would have spanked you , but I wouldn 't have used my belt . But as it stands right now , I can 't be sure if you 're telling me the truth , or lying to get out of a more serious spanking . " " But I was ! Honestly I was going to confess ! " Lex didn 't resist , when Jonathan pulled him towards the bed . Logically he could understand what the man was saying , but having the belt right there waiting for him , made it hard to think . Sitting down again , Jonathan said , " Well maybe next time you 'll think about this spanking , and you 'll decide to confess a little sooner . Or better yet , you 'll think twice before deceiving me in the first place . Take your pants down . " Lex felt some tears going down his face , as he unbuttoned his pants . He was pulled down over Jonathan 's lap , and his pants and boxers were pushed down to his knees . Jonathan said , " This wasn 't the best way to start off your summer Lex . You 're an adult now , and yet your teenage brother was more responsible then you today . You need to give that some serious thought . " He started to spank Lex with his hand . When he felt the first slap to his rear , Lex yelled , " Oooww ! " more out of frustration then pain . But when more slaps landed , the noises Lex made , soon became involuntary reactions to the pain . Jonathan kept spanking until Lex was squirming to get away , and yelping with each swat . He paused long enough to pick up his belt . He could see the back of Lex 's head shaking no . Jonathan said , " People who love each other don 't lie to each other in order to manipulate them , Lex . I don 't do that to you , and I expect you not to do it to me . We 've talked about lying more then once . " Lex was able to get out , " I know . I 'm sooooorry ! " Jonathan brought the belt down , and felt Lex 's whole body jerked at the fresh pain . The boy put a hand back to cover his butt , but Jonathan grabbed it , and held it out of the way . Gritting his teeth , Jonathan continued the spanking , and tried not to let the sorrowful noises coming from Lex get to him , until he 'd given him twenty with the belt . Taking a deep breath , to calm himself once it was done , Jonathan set the belt down , and let go of Lex 's wrist . He rubbed Lex 's back , and made comforting noises . When he felt Lex push to get up , Jonathan let him , even though the boy was still crying . He stood , while Lex fixed his pants as quickly as he could . Jonathan pulled Lex into a hug , and soon found it returned . When Lex was down to sniffles , Jonathan hugged him tighter and said , " I love you Lex . " He felt Lex hold him tighter too . Jonathan said , " That was some first class teenage rebellion , Lex . I hope you don 't plan on anymore , but I 'll be prepared to dish out more of the same if you do . " Putting his hand 's on Lex 's shoulders and holding him at arm 's length , Jonathan looked into his eyes , and said , " I want you to stay up here in your room , and think about it . Really think about it , Lex . From the things you 've told us , you were a menace in your younger years . Now that we 've all come to the understanding that Martha and I are your parents forever , do you really want to spend the summer pushing the limits to see how often you 'll get spanked ? Or do you want to keep growing and maturing into the young man we know you 'll eventually become ? " He lay down on the bed and waited . When Martha came in , she went and lay down beside him on the bed . He asked , " Are you still mad ? " She shook her head no , and held her arms out to him . He scooted over and rested his head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around him . After a few minutes of quiet Martha said , " Clark is grounded from all movies for the rest of the summer , and you are too . " She kissed the top of his head and said , " I know you didn 't do it with malice . In fact , you were trying to make him happy . I know you love him , and wouldn 't do anything to hurt him . " " I accept your apology and I forgive you , but I didn 't want an apology . I want you to take some time to consider the difference between our family dynamic and the dynamic between you and Lionel . From the things you 've told me , Lionel has his emotional walls built up so high , that nothing can touch him . For years you threw everything you could at those walls to get an emotion out of him . But here , we 've all let you into our hearts . There are no walls between us , so when you do something like you did today , we feel everything you throw at us , and it hurts us when you don 't take that into account . " Lex hadn 't thought he could feel worse , but he was wrong . He was all out crying now and had no idea what to say other then repeated apologies . Martha held him tight and said gently , " Hey now , none of that . I 'm not trying to make you feel worse , I 'm trying to point out something to you , that I don 't think you understood until right now . I believe with all my heart , that you 're a good person Lex , and I believe that you were meant to be a part of this family . You bring me happy moments every day , and I wouldn 't give that up for anything . I just needed you to know how much you mean to me . " She held him for a while until his crying slowed down . She patted his shoulder and sat up . He moved over to let her up , and she reached for the tissues that were by the bed . She handed him the box with a smile and said , " When you feel up to it , come down and help with the afternoon chores . " She gave him a kiss on the forehead before getting up , and leaving him to his thoughts . Lex spent the next hour thinking about the things Martha and Jonathan had said and done . He was positive that he wasn 't going to make this mistake again , and when he saw Jonathan and Clark heading out to the barn from his window , he decided it was time to go help out . He was committed to making sure the rest of his summer was full of happy memories both for himself and his family . Email Author ( Feedback makes me happy . )

Scoperta - The Story of Bianca and Giacomo Posted on October 26 , 2011 by Laurissa Doonan [ This post is in honor of an anniversary . This was written to give a past to two well deserving pups . They had no history , so this story is to give them one . Since this was written , Bianca and Giacomo have been through a lot and have been loved and adored by two amazing people . This story is for them , Donnamarie Mazzola and Lori Blomstrom , and their brood . ] Alberto looked crushed , with a bit of anger in his eyes directed towards his father . It 's true , every day for the last 2 weeks they had had the same conversation . Alberto begged over and over again to keep the two puppies , but each day that they grew , Alberto 's father 's stance became firmer . When they had arrived in the mountains of Tuscany for their summer holiday that had not known their dog Lucia was pregnant . They all just thought she had gotten fat , and would benefit from the time in the mountains , running around , and would lose weight . She did lose the weight , when she delivered the puppies just two days after they arrived at the Villa . It was a shock to them all , and they all pitched in helping Lucia care for her two new babies . Through the summer they played and started to train the puppies . That was 5 weeks ago , and in a few days they would be leaving . All summer long he never thought they wouldn 't be taking them home , but then Alberto 's father told him that they would have to find a home for them , since back in the city they had no room for two more dogs . Alberto was crushed . He had become so attached to these two . The little boy puppy was so cuddly and sweet ; the little girl so very playful and mischievous . How would he be able to say good bye to them ? As the week grew to a close he started to panic . He had gone door to door to all the homes in the village , but no one wanted these two puppies . There was one man in town who offered to take them , but Alberto said no . The man was dirty and scary looking , and he didn 't think he would give them the love and attention they needed . He had to find a good home for these two . But time was running out . A few days ago Alberto 's father reminded him he had to find a home for them … or else . " Or else what , Poppa ? Or else we 'll just have to take them home , right ? " He asked . " Absolutely not , Alberto . We cannot take these puppies home . If you do not find a home for them by tomorrow , we will have to take matters into our own hands . " He answered sternly . The look on Alberto 's face was only more complicated and broken by the feeling in his heart and his stomach . He knew what his father meant . He remembered instantly the old stories his father had told them of growing up and having to kill unwanted litters of kittens . He had told those stories so matter - of - factly , as if he were talking about picking grapes from the vine . " It 's simply part of life . Just like grapes , they grow on the vine . When they are ready they can either be used or destroyed . If the time comes and they have not been used , they have to be destroyed . " His father would say . " And we had so many kittens on the vineyard , it was almost like insects . " He would say . " But Poppa , " Alberto would ask " why did you have to kill the kittens ? Couldn 't they just live on the vineyard ? Outside in the wild ? " " No , Alberto " his father would answer . He would use a softer voice , as he knew Alberto had a tender heart , especially when it came to animals . " We could not leave them to live in the wild . They ate the vineyard , which was our livelihood , and destroyed the grapes . And even so , there were wild animals that would hurt them and destroy them viciously . " He would say . " Alberto , we gave them food with poison , and they did not feel any pain . They just went to sleep . " His words were meant to console his youngest child . He had no way of knowing how that phrase of just going to sleep , became a phrase that Alberto learned to hate . Now his two puppies were about to face the same fate . And worse than that , Alberto knew his father would make him do it . That last night Alberto could not sleep . He did not want the night to end ; not for him , and not for the puppies . Tomorrow was the deadline , and there was no home for the puppies to go to . He tried to be strong as he got ready for bed , but then his mother said those words . " Sleep well " she said . At the sound of the words Alberto 's body almost convulsed in pain . Antoinette , his sister , came to his bedside after their parents had left the room and turned off the light . It was dark in the room and Alberto has his face buried in the wall , but Toni could see the tears in the moonlight coming through the window . He wasn 't making a sound , but his breathing was very heavy , and his shoulders would shake as he cried silently . " Berto , " she whispered , " look at me . " " No , leave me alone . " He answered quietly . She was sweet to him in these quiet times , but in front of their parents she always acted strong , as teased him for being such a baby . He didn 't want to talk to her , especially when he felt this bad . He didn 't want to hear her mocking him . " Berto , please , listen to me . C ' mere . " She put her hand on his shoulder and tried to turn him to her . He shook her hand off . She leaned her head down towards him and kissed his cheek . She took the sleeve of her nightgown and wiped some of his tears away . He felt the ribbon from her nightgown fall on his face as she leaned over to give him a handkerchief to blow his nose . " Here , " she said , " blow . " He blew his nose into the cloth she held at his nose . Then he rolled over to look at her . She gave him a big soft hug and told him it would be ok . " No it won 't . " He shot back sternly and pulled away . " Tomorrow Poppa will make me poison my puppies . It will NOT be ok . " He softly shouted . She put both hands on his shoulders and gently held him . She was 4 years older than him and stronger , and he was too sad to fight back . He melted into her hug and cried openly . " Berto , look at me . " He resisted and still cried as she coaxed his head up . " Alberto . Here . Take this . " She handed him a small folded piece of paper . " Don 't let Poppa see this . " He reached out to take it and and looked up at her . " Get away from me ! " He yelled . " You 're horrible ! Go away . " He choked on the last words as he flopped his face back into his pillow . Toni sat next to him and said , " No , Berto , it 's not what you think . " She pulled him over . He tried to resist but she wasn 't giving him . " Now , look at me " she said forcefully . " Alberto . Poppa will be sending you in to town to get the items from the apothecary tomorrow . Take the list he gives you , but make sure THIS is the list you give the pharmacist . " Alberto looked at her confused and sniffed loudly . " Don 't let Poppa know you have this list , " she said . " Do you hear me ? Don 't let him know . " " This will make the dogs sleep . " Toni said and gently smiled . " Really sleep , Alberto . Just sleep . " Alberto look at her confused , then slowly processed the information . " But … . " he trailed off back in thought . He looked at the list and then slowly back at Antoinette . She was smiling at him , a warm reassuring smile , and slowly nodded . " Toni , won 't Poppa know ? I mean , how will they … . " " Shhhhhh , it will work , trust me . You trust me , don 't you ? " She asked , and winked at him . He did . He did trust her . He had no choice . She gave him a big hug , helped him back in to bed and tucked him in . She sat next to him a bit , running her hand over his head until he fell asleep , and then slipped back to her own bed to go to sleep . At the doorway , although neither one of them knew , Marta , their mom , smiled quietly , and slowly eased away . She had given Antoinette the list to give to Alberto . Alberto never would have taken it from her , and she would never have been able to tell him what it was . Toni was the right choice . She was so close to little Alberto , her sensitive boy , and knew how to talk to him and ease his heart and mind . Alberto would have asked Marta a barrage of questions she was not prepared to answer , that Alberto would not believe anyway . Toni was the right choice . She always was . Marta smiled . She was a good mom . She found a way to ease her heartbroken child , even though she was unable to do it directly . Through Toni she could . Those questions that Marta would never be able to tell Alberto , Marco , her husband , already knew . It had been a joke in their families for years . Marta 's family , at least the women in her family were known for their skills with plants . Some joked that they were witches because they always had the best grapes , the best bread , and the best wines of anyone in the area . All the townsfolk said it was because the women in that family had special powers , special knowledge that they used to grow and nourish their crops . They were partly right . For generations the women in her family had always passed down the secrets of nature from mother to daughter , grandmother to niece . It wasn 't magic , it was merely family knowledge , generations old , that was perfected year after year . It was what brought Marco 's attention early on , when he came to the village on his own summer vacation as a young man and tasted the wine from the local Vineyard . He HAD to meet the owners , and when he set foot on the property , he was hooked . " That witch of a woman cast such a strong spell I no longer had any interest in the Vineyard , " he would boast at family gatherings . " Her demure look burned through me like a sharp lightening bolt . " he 'd laugh . " And of course , " he 'd continue , as if this next part were obvious , " I just HAD to have her . So I bought the vineyard , and got her along with it . " Everyone broke out in laughter no matter how many times he told the story . Then he 'd turn and give her a huge loud kiss . She 'd blush and shy away , but you could see the other women in her family catch her eye and give a knowing smile . There might be something to his story . The list she gave Toni to give to Alberto was a list of powders from the pharmacy . She knew the concoction would make the puppies sleep , but only sleep . It would be a deep deep sleep , but they would not die . Their breathing would be so shallow so as it could only be detected with medical instruments . They would look almost exactly like the ones Marco was expecting , so no one would be the wiser . And her tender hearted son would not have to live with the pain of killing those puppies , those puppies he raised from birth , with his own hands , by his own doing . She smiled softly to herself and walked back to her room for the night . The morning came too fast . The two puppies had slept in the kitchen last night . Alberto could not bring himself to take them into his bed the night before , knowing what was expected of him the next day . It was too much for him to bear . He stayed in bed a long time , hoping pointlessly to delay the start of the day . He pretended to be asleep when his mother called to him for breakfast . He lay in bed looking out towards the window . How stunning a sight the view was . His window at their summer home looked out over the neighboring Villa up the road , which used to be a monastery . It had a huge strong stone wall lining the road on one side , and just after the turn , past his own house , was the open mountain side on the opposite side from the villa . It was a glorious sight , but today all he could think of was the treachery of the time it was built . That was his mood that day . The elegance of the medieval structure was dominated by the cruelty of medieval times , where it was acceptable to kill those who were merely in the way , or weaker , for sport . He was allowing his sadness to brew into anger , which only grew stronger when he hear his father 's footsteps approaching his door . His anger had a target . How unfair was it that his father was making him do this . It wasn 't horrible enough to not be able to keep these puppies , but to make him poison these very puppies himself , that was too much for Alberto to understand . He grew angrier as he heard the knock on the door . He didn 't answer and instead buried his head deeper in the pillow , covering his view of the feudal view . The door opened . " Alberto , you 're mother 's calling you . It 's time to get up . " Marco said in a no - nonsense voice . " Let 's go . " He walked over to the bed and pulled the covers off . Alberto feigned being jolted awake , rubbing his eyes and grabbing at the air where the blanket had been only moments ago . " Late . We have to get moving . " Marco answered , and abruptly turned on his heel to leave . He got to the door and stopped , still facing the hallway . " We have a busy day , " he said softly and slowly turned to look back at Alberto . " C ' mon , breakfast is waiting . " He hesitated , looking at his son , and smiled sadly . He then quietly left the room . As he walked down the hall he thought he heard muffled crying . He didn 't go back , he knew neither one of them would want that . He also knew he what he was asking his son to do today . ' Sure it was hard , ' he said to himself . ' But I had to do it too , when I was a kid . ' His thoughts wandered back to his own childhood . ' I can 't even remember how many stray puppies , kittens and other animals I had to kill , it 's what we did . It was hard , sure , but it made a man out of me . ' He took a few more steps as his thoughts progressed through the years of his childhood . With each step he seemed to lose his resolve and began to slouch a bit . ' Alberto is too soft , ' he told himself , reassuringly . ' He needs this , he needs to be a man . He is getting too old for these childish attractions . After all , these puppies are really just one step above dolls , and he needs to grow a backbone and toughen up . ' As that thought went through is head , in an effort to convince himself , he forced himself to stand up straight and resolve that he was doing the right thing . He rejoined the rest of his family at the breakfast table . Alberto soon followed , but would not look at his father . His mother passed behind him and put his plate in front of him and tenderly brushed her hand over his hair . Toni swung her leg over to acknowledge him silently , under the table , and rested her foot on his , as if to show her support and to remind him of their secret . At that Alberto 's shoulders sank a bit as he seemed to relax . After breakfast Alberto got up to clear the dishes . His father met him over at the counter where he was gathering up the scraps . " Not all of them remember " he said to Alberto about the leftovers . " You will need to save some for later . " Marco was referring to splitting the scraps for the puppies . Normally Alberto would have given all the scraps to them , but this time his father reminded him that he would need some to mix up later in the day . Tears streamed silently down Alberto 's face . Marco noticed but turned away and left the room pretending not to notice . He wasn 't about to chastise Alberto now . Alberto finally emerged from the kitchen after feeding the scraps from breakfast to the puppies . He had lingered a while playing with them and hugging them . Marco did not mention the tear stains . He told him to go wash his face and get ready . When Alberto came back downstairs Marco was there waiting . He handed him the small pouch with money inside and then handed him the list . " Take this list to the apothecary and hand the pharmacist the list . If he asks , just tell him we have some paste to make up to ward off the rodents while we 're gone . " Marco told him . " He 'll know what you 're talking about ; he 's been dealing with the rats and such here for years . " The thought that the pharmacist would know exactly what this was for made this harder . He would , Alberto realized , know it was for the puppies . Alberto had , after all , gone to him asking him to take the puppies himself , even begged and pleaded with him to help them avoid their certain fate . Yes , he knew , the pharmacist would surely know . He shoved the money purse and the list into his pockets and left his hands there in his pockets as he stared at his feet . " Are you ok ? " Marco asked ? Alberto nodded without looking up . He felt his father pat his shoulders and then said " ok , on your way then . " She sent him on his way to get the poison . As Alberto left the door he looked up to the bedroom . Toni was in there looking out the window . She smiled at him and waved and then made some movement with her mouth . He stopped and started up with squinted eyes . " The list , do you have the other list ? " She mouthed back at him , and made gestures with her hands as if folding and unfolding a piece of paper . Alberto nodded and smiled a bit . Then turned to go . He didn 't see his mother half hiding behind the curtain in the other upstairs window . She smiled , too . Hours passed and Alberto didn 't return from town . Marco didn 't notice , but Toni and Marta did . While they were upstairs packing their bags they kept a sharp lookout , each from their own vantage points , on the road leading up from town . They were both secretly worried about Alberto and what he would do . Toni even allowed herself to think he might have run away , and snuck downstairs to see if the puppies were still there . If he had run away , she convinced herself , he would have taken those puppies with him . They were still there . Cute little ones , too . She had been keeping her distance from them since they were weaned from their mom . She didn 't want to get too attached to them . Lucia had given up on them , too . She was older , and two active puppies tired her out , and now that she wasn 't getting much attention from Alberto , she had attached herself to Marta . She was with Marta when they heard the squealing . It was the puppies . Somehow from the back of the house they knew that Alberto was returning . Marta instinctively looked out the window and saw him coming up the road . She quickly finished backing and was able to nonchalantly walk into the kitchen with the bags as Alberto entered . " Fine . " Alberto answered flatly . He looked at his mother as her back was turned , searching for some reaction . She had given him the other list to get so she knew , but still she didn 't let on outwardly at all . " Did you get what you needed ? Did you get what was on the list . " She asked ? He thought he saw her freeze as she said the word list , but it was probably just wishful thinking . He waited a moment before answering , staring at her back . " Yes , " he said quietly . " I got what was on the list . " She still didn 't move . As he turned his gaze from her back , she relaxed a bit , and then turned in the other direction to fill the kettle . " All right then , " she said . " Your father 's outside in the back packing up the car . We 'll be leaving very early tomorrow morning , so make sure you 're all packed . " Alberto stopped to get the two puppies and brought them up to his room . He packed his bag while they played on the bed and jumped in and out of the suitcases . He took as long as he could , but then dinner was ready , and he heard them all getting impatient downstairs . He waited for his mother to call him down . She did call him . Dinner was ready . He slowly gathered the happy , now tired puppies up and went downstairs , savoring each footstep , giving each one it 's proper due in the overall course of the events . He arrived at the table after putting the puppies in their pen , and sat to eat his dinner . He wasn 't hungry at all . His family chatted on as if it was a normal night , recounting different events from their summer as they were verbal postcards from their dwindling time before their departure . Occasionally he would be asked a question , but he remained silent , looking down at his plate and slowly moving his food around but never eating it . He could feel the pitiful look from his sister burning into his head , much the same as he could feel the purposeful avoidance of his father 's glance . His mother would occasionally reach over and ask him quietly if he wanted something else , a refill on his drink , another helping of macaroni . He never answered . She never questioned his silence . The time had come . The table was cleared and the dinner conversation was over . The silence hung like thick used air . It was Antoinette who was designated to initiate the next step . " Berto , " she started and stopped . " Berto , it 's …… " but she couldn 't finish . " I know . " He said . " It 's time . I 'm ready . " Alberto slowly picked up his plate and walked to the counter without looking at anyone else in the room . He took the bowl for the puppies and carefully put the uneaten meat from his own plate into the bowl . He then reached into his pocket and pulled out the package he had gotten that afternoon . He slowly placed it on the counter and opened it and sprinkled the contents from the little plastic pots into the bowl , on top of the food . He picked up the bowl and turned around . Only then did he look up and see his family had been watching silently his every move . His sister 's eyes were puffy and red , her faced wet with tears . His father quickly looked away from him . Alberto felt a good about that ; at least his father knew what he was doing and seemed to feel bad about it . ' He should ' , Alberto thought as he felt the anger fill the pit of his stomach , which helped him hold back the painful sadness . ' He should feel horrible . ' It was his mother 's face that stopped him in his tracks . She looked different . Something about her was different . She looked older and feeble ; weak , no , that wasn 't it . What Alberto didn 't know was what he saw in his mother that evening was loss . She was losing her sweet boy that day , her tender hearted son . Even though both of them knew that herbs in the food would not kill the puppies , they both knew that things would never be the same . Alberto would never be the naïve boy again after tonight . His father had thrown down the gauntlet , and knowing he could not stand up to his father , he chose the only option available to him , to begrudge his father 's demand , and forever hold it as a wound of honor . And his mother had proved an ally in betraying his father . No , the relationship between the three of them would never be the same . The puppies ate their food heartily while Alberto watched over them . After they ate they played a little and then settled in for their nap . " Sleep well . " Alberto said , and buried his head in his sleeve . He stayed with them until he heard the soft snoring that puppies do when they fall happily into slumber with a full belly . Then he leaned over and kissed each one on their little heads and stood up . Only then did he realize that he had never even named them . That somehow seemed worse than what he had just done , and he collapsed to the floor , curled in a ball , silently crying . His mother had been sitting in the dark corner of the kitchen watching the whole scene . She walked over to her son and sat on the floor next to him , picking his head up and placing it in her lap , on the apron . This was foreign to both of them , but both acted as if they had interacted this way for years . She stroked her son 's hair while letting him cry . Then slowly , as he had quieted down , she pressed her lips to the top of his head , as he had done with the puppies and said " Alberto , it will be ok . You know I love you . They will be ok . You trust me , don 't you ? " He looked up at her and quietly smiled . " Yes , mami , I do . " And he did . He know they would be ok , because she said they would . He then sat up allowing her to get up . She did and walked over to the cupboard and pulled out the plastic bag . She looked back at him and gave him a reassuring knowing smile . " You trust me , don 't you ? " She asked again . He nodded . " I know this looks scary , but I do know what I 'm doing . Everything will be fine . Your puppies will be fine . I will make sure of that . " She quickly turned so that he didn 't see what she had put in the bag and then she walked over to the puppy pen . She climbed in and gently placed each puppy inside the bag . She carefully secured the bag and carried them out , gingerly . He did not know the details or the specifics , but he knew somehow that she had set the bag so there would be air holes for them . Alberto took the tender bundle from her arms and walked out the front door of the house . Marco was outside by the car waiting , but he didn 't move or make a sound as Alberto walked out . Out by the road Alberto placed the bundle by the curb , where the garbage men would pick it up the next morning . But he couldn 't think of that , of how they would hurl the bag into the truck , not knowing what was , or had been , inside . No , he couldn 't think of that because that would not happen . ' No , ' he told himself , ' that would not happen . ' He hadn 't thought about what would happen , but in fact has trusted his mother . He looked back at her as if she had heard the entire conversation he had just had in his head . She looked at him and nodded reassuringly . ' No , that would not happen . ' And he knew it . One last look at the bundle , and he spun around quickly and ran into the house . Marco looked over at the door and at Marta . She looked blankly back at him . He dropped what was left of his cigarette and stubbed it out over and over again with his shoe . He looked over at Marta again , at the same blank look that she looked back with , lowered his head and went around to the back of the house . Marta went back inside . Marta knew what would happen next . She positioned herself in her room and watched as Marco finally came back around to the front of the house . She had expected this , and while she hoped he wouldn 't do it , she knew he would . He didn 't trust her . That was obvious as he came over to the bundle to check the puppies . He had to make sure . He had tried to convince himself not to check , but he couldn 't help himself . He went over to the bag and laid his hand on the outside . He was checking for a heart beat . He had seen the looks between Alberto and Marta and something seemed different between them . Maybe he was just looking for an excuse for his guilt over having asked his son to kill his own puppies . But he had to check . No heart beat was felt . He turned to go back to the house and as he did , he looked up . He saw Marta standing in the window watching him . As their eyes met she held his glance for a moment , and then she turned away . That one move convinced him of his own guilt . He went over to the front stoop , sat down and lit another cigarette . He sat there as the night few darker . After what seemed like an hour he heard a car slowly driving up the hill . It was very narrow road , which wasn 't easy to navigate in the daylight , but was even harder when it was dark . The car was moving very slowly up the hill . " That , right there . That white thing on the side of the road ? It looks like a dog , be careful . " The first woman 's voice said , rising at the end . " Are you sure ? " The first woman asked , " Pull over a bit . " The car moved almost imperceptibly to the side of the road and Marco heard the second woman say " See , it 's just a bag of garbage , ok ? " Marco smiled at the comfortable banter the two women had . It was easy , but very considerate in it 's nature . He knew he had just lost that himself . He also knew that the bag was a risk . He too pictured the garbage men the next day , and he couldn 't bear it . He went over to the bag , picked it up and walked to the back of the house . Marta watched this , too . He opened the top of the barrel in the yard and dropped the bag in . He heard a splash and quickly replaced the top of the barrel . He could not bear to think about this anymore and quickly went inside to find more wine . Marta had known this , too , would happen . She also knew that she was not the only one watching ; Herminia was watching too , as Marta had told her to . Herminia and Marta had known each other for years and while they were never close friends , they had a friendship and bond that was unspoken . Marta adored Herminia . She was able to show her love and follow her heart , and she did . She was adored by all the children in the village , and all knew her to be the guru for all things animal . Herminia was one of the groundskeepers at the neighboring Villa , that served as an Inn . People came to the Inn the first time for vacation , but they came back each year because of her . She made the cold yet stunning former Monastery a warm and inviting home . The cold , stark stonewalled rooms came to life with her flowers , her humming , and her never ending stream of animals always filling the air with happy sounds . You could not go there without smiling , and it was because of Herminia . Of course she was the first person Alberto had gone to asking about taking the puppies . But the cows had just had calves and the other groundskeeper had just gone away to be with his family while his mother was in the hospital . She simply could not keep up with all the work on her own , and taking on two new puppies in these tough times … she simply could not . That had crushed Alberto . He had waited a while to find a home for the puppies because he had always assumed that she would take care of them for him . But on that last day it was Marta who went to Herminia . She told him the story . Not the one Alberto had told , but had made a personal plea based on the life changing , heart wrenching loss in the innocence of her son . It was that plea that touched Herminia . " It was all I could do to stand my ground with Alberto , " she told Marta . " All summer I watched him raise those puppies , and when he came to me I didn 't realize what he was asking , what the other option was . I 'm so sorry . " " No , don 't be . " Marta answered . " Honestly , even I didn 't expect Marco to force this hand . Sure , I knew he was stubborn , but it 's Alberto , " she said . " How could he have asked that of Alberto , " Marta said to the air more than anyone else . Herminia knew that look and the sound in the voice . Marta was vulnerable at that moment as Berto . In that moment the plan was hatched . Neither Alberto nor Marco would know . Each would have their own assumptions , but neither would know . Only Herminia and Marta would know . And forever they would be bonded in a deeper friendship . And so it was that when the top when back down on the barrel filled with water , Herminia was standing just a few feet away in the shadows . Herminia had known about the air pockets in the bags made by the plastic containers by their snouts , and the pockets in the bag that were formed when Marta tied up the bag just so . Marta knew Marco , too , and knew he would end up at the barrel . She had placed it there earlier so he would see it , and even put just enough water in . She made the next step easy for him , while she was able to control it . Marco had not even closed the back door on the kitchen on his way in to get the wine when Herminia had already pulled the puppies from the barrel . A quick nod into the darkness , knowing Marta was watching from somewhere , and it was over in a second . The puppies were alive and safe in the hands of the warmest , kindest heart in the village . The next morning the sun came up . Alberto looked out the front window and saw the bag was gone . At first the thought of the garbage man flew into his head and he caught his breath in his throat . Then he saw the rest of the garbage still out there . But there was no white bag . ' I do trust you , ' he said in his head , and smiled . His mother had reassured him , and he knew as he looked out the window to where the white bag had been that they would be fine , that they really had , after all , slept well . Across the way at the Inn , morning was well underway . New guests had arrived the night before and the morning chores were almost done . The cows had been milked and the fresh eggs had been brought in . The spread of baked bread and biscuits had been laid out next to the pitchers of juice and flowers , and the guests were starting to gather . Herminia had a moment to run in and check on her newest charges , the two white puppies who were still recovering what their odd sleep the night before . It 's true , they had slept well , but something in them had changed a bit . They needed some time to recover from the herbs they had ingested and she snuck them some of the fresh milk to help their systems pass the toxins that left them a little groggy , and a little unsure . It would take a little time , some extra attention , to get them used to their changed lives . They had lost their family on top of their physical trauma , and that would take a special touch to win them over . Herminia smiled to herself . She knew good was in the cards for these two . She returned to her other guests , to make them feel as warm , safe and comfortable in their new environment , too . I 'm a marketer . I 've been a professional marketer for over 25 years , but in reality , I have always been one . Marketing to me is about communicating effectively , regardless of platform , regardless of channel . Marketing is understanding both your objectives and your audience , and finding the right method and message for your customers to reach them where they are . Now I dedicate my efforts to helping very small and small companies pursue their passions and grow their businesses through marketing ; providing agency trained expertise without the overhead . www . Charter - Marketing . com www . CharterMarketing . wordpress . com View all posts by Laurissa Doonan → This entry was posted in Serious Writings , Stories ( Creative Writing ) and tagged Puppy Love , Venetian Plaster , Venshe . Bookmark the permalink . ← Old Fashioned Writing Top Posts Philosophy 101 : Introduction to Logic and Reason . . . . I think I need the Remedial Class Do You Know a Bully Boss ? The road led where ? more posts Rose Garden Dread Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Kid sighed . Another stormy day and here he was - out in the rain . He knew he could probably get into Val 's house and find a cozy spot , but it was such a hassle to get past Buddy . He 'd need to find a time when Buddy was sleeping , or at least somewhere out of sight of the deck , and then scoot inside quickly . No matter how much Ziggy and Bella loved him , they were not going to be interested in doing escort duty with all this wind and rain . So , he decided to check out his alternate shelters for inclement weather . Bart 's farm had the best variety , but it kind of depended on which animals were in which fields . He didn 't like the goats much . They smelled and had one - track minds . Food . Food . Food . When was the farmer going to feed them ? What would they get ? No matter that he always brought the same thing - they were always hopeful that he 'd bring something new and interesting . The chickens were just plain insane . They thought he 'd try to catch them and eat them , despite that most of them were as big as he was . Admittedly he did have claws and teeth that were much more effective than their dinky little beaks , but he didn 't want to kill chickens . All Kid had to do was set foot inside their enclosure and they 'd all start screaming , " Fox , fox ! " He 'd tried to explain that he was not a fox , wasn 't even closely related to the species and didn 't look anything like a fox , but they didn 't listen . The cows were half - way decent conversationalists , but their field was just too messy in the rain . Their huge hooves churned up the mud and puddles formed in the depressions . They also were not clean - minded about where they dropped their , um , droppings , and when it rained the field became a land - mine of well , it 's better not to say . So , the cow shelter was out . Kid picked his way down the hedgerow between Val and Bart 's property carefully , keeping an eye out for Charlie - the - dog . He doubted Charlie would be out today , and they actually got along pretty well , but only after Charlie had his initial canine rThe creature bobbed its head on its long neck a couple times and said in a much clearer voice , " My name is Lemuel . I 'm sorry , you startled me . I thought I 'd seen most of the animals who lived here and I hadn 't seen a cat . " " Pleased to meet you , Lemuel . That 's quite an unusual name . As I said , I live across the hedgerow . What kind of creature are you , exactly ? " Lemuel raised his head and assumed a regal pose . " I am a turkey . I am one of a species that is actually native to this land , as opposed to most of these other animals who were brought from other countries . I can trace my pedigree back 200 generations . As to my name , it was my sixth cousin 's , twice removed . Unfortunately , the farmer here calls me Tom . I don 't know why , but humans like to call all turkeys Tom , even if they are female . " Kid , who couldn 't trace his pedigree back to who exactly was his father , wasn 't awfully impressed with lineage . " Well , I 'm glad to welcome you to the farm , and to assure you that I will not chase you , harass you or try to eat you . In any case , you 're bigger than I am , so I don 't know if I could . " The settled down for a chat , since it looked like the rain would hold off for a bit . Lemuel had come from a farm about a half - hour away , and had come only recently to Bart 's place . He was a bit lonely , as Bart had bought only one turkey . Lemuel thought that was rather short - sighted , as one male turkey does not make a dynasty on his own . He 'd come to the conclusion though that Bart was just checking out the set - up for turkeys and would bring females in a week or so once he saw how Lemuel settled in . As they chatted , the clouds darkened again , and Kid looked anxiously at the sky . " Lemuel , I think it 's going to rain soon . If you 'll excuse me , I need to go find a nice dry place to wait out the next downpour . " " It was nice to meet you , Kid . I look forward to talking with you again and introducing you to the rest of my flock when they arrive . It will be soon , I am sure . " With that Kid ran off and took shelter in a neighbor 's shed , conveniently left open . A pile of soft cushions from a lawn chair was the perfect place to nap away a rainy afternoon . Photo courtesy of Martin Pettitt - http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / mdpettitt / 4005817670 / LT truly hated rain . Most cats don 't like water in general and rain in particular because it got in their coats and made them heavy and uncomfortable , but LT just hated it . Maybe it was because he was primarily an outdoor cat who went inside for food and a bit of love and companionship from the Daddy . Maybe it was because he was getting older . Whatever the reason - he hated rain . If he went inside he 'd have to put up with Rudy 's nattering on about something he didn 't care about ( like her soap opera ) , or Great Cat forbid , people other than Daddy . His bones hurt , and even when he wasn 't downright wet he was damp . He couldn 't groom the dampness out , or even roll on something to get it absorbed . The air was so full of moisture that it beaded on his fur . He finally decided he was a feline substitute for the yard , and instead of the dew forming on the roses , it formed on him . He sat in the garage , but it smelled like oil and truck parts , so he 'd left . He sat in his little house , but the wood was damp and smelled like , well , wet wood . He sat under Daddy 's truck , and the water seeped in after him , wetting his paws . He sat under the deck up close against the house , and it dripped through the cracks onto his fur . Finally he gave up and went in the house . Even Rudy was better than this constant wet . The cat door closed with a thump that mirrored LT 's mood . If anyone crossed him , he 'd take a swipe at them , claws out , and the hell with the consequences . Peep saw him come in , judged his mood to be bad and ignored him , covertly watching him with slitted eyes . When he 'd stomped into the office , she quietly got up and went looking for Rudy who happened to be asleep on the china cabinet and hadn 't noticed LT go by . " Rudy , " Peep whispered , so that hopefully LT wouldn 't hear her . " LT just came in and I think he 's having a bad day with all this rain . His tail was lashing like crazy and he was walking really stiff . " She giggled a bit . " I know it 's not funny , but there was so much water beaded " I 'm not as insensitive as you think , Peep . My back legs are hurting me today , so I know how LT feels , at least a little . I 'll leave him be , unless you think maybe he might like some company . " Rudy was offended , but not seriously so . Peep let LT sit in the office for a bit , and went quietly in , trying to judge his mood . LT was grooming the moisture off his paws , and Peep could see from how stiff he was that he 'd have trouble getting to his back . She settled down next to him and silently began to groom his hindquarters . Eventually they met in the middle of his belly and LT quietly said , " Thanks , Peep . This gets harder every year . Most of the time I don 't mind getting old , but the stiffness in the rain is a bit tough . Now if I could only get warm … . " Peep looked at him and gently asked if he would mind some quiet company . LT replied , " So long as that Rudy keeps her mouth shut about that soap opera of hers , I would really appreciate it . " LT padded into the bedroom and jumped up on the bed . Peep got Rudy , telling her that she needed to keep her lips zipped and the two of them settled on the bed , one on each side of LT . Their combined body heat warmed LT , all of them for that matter , and within half an hour they were asleep . When the Daddy came home that was how he found them . Three cats , who were now all curled into each other on the bed . Daddy backed out silently and decided that he 'd sit in the living room and read quietly , as he didn 't want to disturb such a peaceful pile of cats . Photo courtesy of Giane Portal - http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / fofurasfelinas / 139871899 / Buddy had been working hard the last few days to repair his image with the yarn lady . The first time she 'd written about all of them in the blog she had portrayed him as an evil cat , who terrorized poor , poor Kid . When the others had told him about that , he hadn 't believed it . She 'd seen him for just moments , sitting below the deck , watching as Ziggy and Bella ran into the house with Kid . He wasn 't evil - he was just protecting his territory . Cats are supposed to do that . It wasn 't even right that Val considered Kid to be part of their family . He spent most of his time either in the next door neighbor 's yard or at Bart 's farm at the back of the property . He only came in at mealtime , and then claimed more than his fair share of the squishy food . But Val was convinced that she was the only one who fed him , so she made sure that twice a day he got his double ration of squishy food . Buddy only chased him to make his point that it was really his place , and Kid was just a visitor with kitchen privileges . When Buddy realized that the yarn lady was going to stay with them , he was delighted . Now that Val was working almost every day , there was no one around to open the door for him when he wanted to come in for a smackeral of crunchies or for a nap on a soft place . If he was lucky , she 'd be around during the day and could act as doorman and even provide on - demand rubs . He 'd watched her for a day or two to make sure she really was a human who truly appreciated cats . He noticed that she 'd stop and rub Emma 's head and tell her how much she looked like Puddin ' Cat . Buddy didn 't know who that was , but was happy to see that she had proper head scratching and belly rubbing skills . When Kid came in she made a fuss over him , telling him what a beautiful calico he was , and carefully scratching the places he couldn 't reach at the back of his ears . The yarn lady had also approached him , but up until today he 'd allowed only the briefest contact before retreating to observe . She didn 't seem offended , aAnde Noren I just finished a consultation with Cooper McKenna , my lawyer for the class action lawsuit and he is not happy with me . It appears that I may have compromised my position as I could now be considered as using undue influence over some of the plaintiffs in the case . I 'm staying with Val right now , and she is the Ziggy and Bella 's owner . I didn 't consider this when I needed a place to stay . I knew she was looking for a housemate and we got along well , so I asked and she said , fine , bring your stuff over . Well , I now see Ziggy and Bella every day and pet them and talk to them , and Cooper thinks that could be interpreted as trying to influence either their participation in the suit , or the content of any testimony they might give . He also asked me if I had done anything that could be considered abusive to either of them . Of course I haven 't abused them ! They are lovely little dogs , and I told him that , describing them to him - Ziggy , the enthusiastic although probably not too bright Maltese and Bella , the sausage shaped Chihuahua . Cooper informed me that just how I 'd described the dogs could be considered as verbal abuse , as I could be trying to demean or shame the dogs since I 've said that in front of them . I think those two things are mutually exclusive ! Either I 'm being nice to them , or I 'm verbally abusing them , right ? Perhaps a sharp lawyer might make the case that I could be systematically trying to break them down , and so am doing both . There 's no additional news on the lawsuit , other than some other dogs who have signed on as plaintiffs . Cooper hasn 't said anything more about how he will handle the case , and we haven 't even been assigned a judge , much less a court date . I 'm not in a hurry to take this to court , as I 'm not sure how I 'm going to handle all the lawyer and court fees . It 's not as though I can file a counter - suit against dogs for my court costs . I 'd probably just get paid in Milk Bones , and although Cooper might enjoy them , the bills I 've received are for U . S . cPosted by The Cat Club had a surprising visitor this week . LT had opened the meeting as usual , welcoming everyone and asking if they had any news for the group . Peep and Rudy both reported seeing the fox around the property over the last couple days . She seemed to be watching them carefully or checking out the house and cars . Rudy was concerned . " Do you think she 's actually some sort of sneak thief who 's canvassing our property so she can rob it ? " LT replied , " I doubt it . What do our humans have that a fox would want ? Furniture , clothes , old radios ? I don 't think those are items that would interest a fox . " " Food ! Food ! She probably wants the treats Daddy gives us , or the food that he and Mommy eat . " Food was Rudy 's main love in life ( other than One Life to Live ) , and if her food supply was threatened she would fight . The other cats looked unconvinced . Foxes were pretty good at securing their own food supplies , and this one hadn 't even scavenged the garbage cans . As LT was about to say that he didn 't think that would be a concern , the fox appeared at the edge of the trees . " I 'm not going to take your food , or the humans ' clothes or furniture , although I wouldn 't turn up my nose at a cozy blanket to sleep on . May I join you all ? " Inariko was a polite fox and had a healthy respect for the damage that eight cats could do to her if they wanted . Yes , she could disappear on them , but they might actually damage her before she could react if they were very , very quick . LT looked at the other cats to see what they thought of this request . " Does anyone object if Inariko approaches ? " When no one objected , he then asked , " Will everyone agree to keep their claws in and not harass her while she is here at the meeting ? I would like to offer her the same consideration we show each other at these meetings . " When the other cats agreed , Inariko approached . " As I 've told you , my name is Inariko . I 'm not exactly a fox , or more accurately , I am not just a fox … . " Inariko went on to explain that she was a kitsune and what exactly a kitsune was and did . When they were reluctant to accept her explanation , she first disappeared right from where she was sitting , and then reappeared as an exact duplicate of Peep . That demonstration scared the daylights out of all of the cats , and Bunny got hysterical at the sight of two Peeps . Inariko vanished again and reappeared in her fox form and the others calmed Bunny . " Okay , okay , we accept that you 're some sort of a spirit that 's called a kitsune ! So why are you here ? " Rudy asked this question , because she was suddenly afraid that the kitsune had come to takPosted by Emma , Buddy and Kid were hungry . It was morning and therefore a human should supply food . There was a human wandering around the house , therefore she should provide food . It wasn 't Val , who was still asleep , but rather some other nice lady they had met before and who was happy to rub their heads and scratch behind their ears . Unfortunately , nice as she was , she didn 't know where the cat food was , or so she explained at length . Kid sat in his special spot , right next to his food bowl on a low cabinet , and every time the human walked by he stood up and arched his back and tried to look adorable , hungry and friendly at the same time to encourage her to provide noms . Emma sat under the table , perched on one of the legs and Buddy threaded his way between the human 's legs to let her know he was hungry . The human , to her credit did try to figure out where the food was . She found a container of dry food and put a scoop in Kid 's bowl . To be polite , Kid ate a few mouthfuls , but he wanted squishy food . " It 's in the cabinet to the right of the stove . If it 's not in front , just push everything around - you 'll find it . " Unfortunately , the human didn 't speak cat . Kid knew that , but was hungry enough that he repeated it for emphasis . The human thought he wanted love , so she stopped and scratched his ears , rubbed his head and apologized again for her lack of knowledge , and promised she 'd get it right tomorrow . Ziggy and Bella wandered into the kitchen when they heard food going into a bowl . Who knows , maybe she 'd feed them too . Ziggy bounced up to her and said , " Good morning , yarn lady . I hope you slept well . Wouldn 't you like to feed us all now ? Everyone gets a bit of squishy food from one of the cans in the cabinet . I know it 's cat food , but Bella and I get to eat it because we help Kid get in the house . I like cat food , I really do . It 's squishy and tasty and I wish Val would give us our own can for our help . You know that we risk our delicate skin twice a day to help Kid get in here . " The yEmma Inariko was a fox with a mission , but up until today she hadn 't known what that mission was . She 'd found herself at the house with the radio tower and the three cats one day , not quite sure how she 'd gotten there , or for that matter where she 'd come from . She did recall that things like this had happened before , and usually when there was something she was supposed to do . You see , Inariko wasn 't an ordinary fox , although she looked like one . She was a kitsune , or fox spirit . As far as she knew she was the only kitsune in the United States , or at least in New Jersey . Her kind were from the far east and most lived in Japan . As a spirit , she could do things of which real foxes could only dream . Her favorite was disappearing . She could make herself vanish at will . After many long years of using this skill , she realized it was most effective if she did it just out of sight of the beings she was trying to fool . That way they weren 't sure what happened . If she just up and vanished in front of someone , there was a good chance it would be passed off as some sort of hallucination or dream . Just because she was a fox spirit , that didn 't mean she didn 't have the same tricksy nature real foxes had . All in all , Inariko was a kind kitsune . Most were , but some used their abilities to lead others to harm , probably just because they were totally unpleasant spirits . Another ability kitsune had was to be able to appear as another type of being . Most commonly kitsune would appear as beautiful human women , but they could appear to be human children or even men if they preferred . They could also appear as other animals , and Inariko had experimented with many of these , sometimes just for fun . Soon after she 'd arrived at Peep , LT and Rudy 's house , Inariko had realized that they were very special cats . Not special like her , they were just mortal housecats , but the way they cared about each other and their humans was quite extraordinary . Witness the way LT and the others had been patrolling the property for bees and othPosted by Rudy knew she wasn 't paranoid . The humans were out to get her . First on Saturday , Mommy had taken her to Tibet , and she 'd received more shots than the other two cats combined . And then on Tuesday , the Daddy had scooped her up , shoved her into the cat carrier and driven her off to Tibet , only to abandon her there . It was bad enough going to Tibet , but at least Mommy or Daddy would be there with her , but Daddy just put down the carrier by the desk , had a brief conversation with someone and then just - left . Well , admittedly he did tell Rudy that he 'd be back for her later , and that she 'd be fine , but he left her there . In Tibet . With the man who liked to torture cats . What worse fate was there ? Rudy had cowered in her carrier for what seemed like hours , but probably wasn 't . Then she was hauled out of the carrier by That Man and plonked on the table . He held her down and stuck yet another needle in her nether quarters . After that , her memory got very fuzzy . She remembered yowling at him , " Let go of me . I 'm going to shred your hands for giving me another shot , " but then things got confused and she didn 't remember anything clearly . The next thing she knew , she heard the Daddy 's voice again , and she was back in her carrier . Her brain didn 't feel like it was quite connected to her skull , and her mouth hurt like anything . This wasn 't how she felt when she came here , and it wasn 't like she 'd felt any time before when she 'd been to Tibet . Daddy picked up the carrier and brought her out to the truck . The drive home was torture . She was dizzy and couldn 't control her legs , so every time Daddy turned a corner she just slid around in the carrier . Finally they arrived home and Daddy brought her into the kitchen . When he opened the carrier she tried to bolt , but couldn 't . She wobbled her way out , slowly . " What did he do to me ? I 'm crippled for life and my mouth hurts so bad I don 't think I 'll ever be able to eat again . " When Daddy tried to soothe her , she tried to scratch him , but kind of fell over when she couldn 't balance on three paws . Luckily she was already on the floor , so it was more like she just fell on her side a bit . He backed away , telling her that she 'd feel better within a couple hours . She had sincerely doubted it at the time , but by dark she was feeling much better . The mouth was still a little sore , but nothing seemed to be missing . The gums around the tops of her teeth were just ouchy . She tried eating squishy food very carefully and found her mouth to be working fine . She could walk pretty well , also , but her balance was a bit off . She decided not to run or jump , as she wouldn 't know if she 'd get to her desired destination . When Peep came in to eat , Rudy described her ordeal . Peep replied , " Well , that 's better than what I 'd heard on Saturday . They were talking about pulling two of your teeth , and it sounds like you still have them all . That 's something to be glad about , isn 't it ? " Rudy growled at her , and would have swatted her if she thought she could do it without falling over . She decided this dizziness was the pits , and suddenly had some sympathy for the yarn lady , who was dizzy all the time . By the next morning Rudy was totally back to normal , at least physically . Emotionally she was a bit of a wreck . Every time she heard a noise she was convinced that it was the Daddy and he was going to grab her and take her to Tibet . He 'd tried to pet her , and she growled at him , " Move it or lose it , " and when he didn 't back off fast enough , she nailed his hand . It wasn 't even enough to break the skin , but she didn 't want to let him close enough to grab her . She spent the rest of the day outdoors , and not in her usual spot on the walkway . She hid beyond the edge of the trees , figuring she 'd see the Daddy before he could catch her . She only went in to eat when he was away from the house . She was taking no chances . This morning LT had told her to get over herself when she asked him to chAnde Noren Tatum and Ursula , as indoor cats were experiencing the oncoming fall in rather second - hand manner . The windows upstairs in Ande 's room were open all the time and the air conditioner was off , and that was about as close as they came to the great outdoors . Tatum loved to sit on the window sill and smell all the delicious smells that came in : grass , leaf mold , pine trees and occasionally the scent of cooking meat from the next door neighbor 's barbecue . Both cats liked to sit in windows and watch the activities of the birds , animals and insects that lived in or visited the back yard . The front windows weren 't as interesting , as mostly it was just cars rushing by at very fast speeds . Recently they both had observed squirrels rushing around the yard carrying nuts . Neither cat had any idea where they were getting the nuts , as they hadn 't seen any nut trees in the yard . They knew from conversations that there used to be a walnut tree over the back patio that dropped nuts on people 's heads and a black walnut tree over near the Jones ' house , but both of them had been cut down years ago , as they had been sickly . This morning Tatum got up the courage to ask a squirrel why he was running around with all these nuts . " Winter , got to prepare for winter , " the squirrel replied . " If I don 't have a supply of nuts and seeds cached away I might not make it through the winter . And if my mate has pups I 'll need even more , as I 'll need to feed her and the babies when they are old enough . Oh , I need a lot more nuts ! " The squirrel ran off , nut in mouth , and Tatum sat back to think . Last fall and winter he 'd been at the SPCA . He hadn 't come to live here until winter was nearly over . Were there things he as an indoor cat needed to do to prepare ? Tatum decided to ask Ursula . " Hmmm , I don 't know , Tatum . Last fall I was a very little kitten . I was only born in summer , you know . At this time of year I was just getting used to eating squishy food and drank out of my bottle . But , if the squirrels are preparing forUrsula had to think about this for a minute . She 'd started on a course of action , and didn 't want to back down , but had trouble coming up with reasons for a minute . " Oh , what if it snows so bad that they can 't get out to buy us more crunchy food ? Then we 'd be could starve ! We have to put caches aside for times like that . And I 'd appreciate you not calling my dear , sweet Pikachu ' the noisy girl ' . She 's the best person in the world ! She feeds me and lets me sleep in her room and snuggles with me as much as I want . " Tatum had his own opinion on that , although she was the only person he 'd let pick him up , but that was just because it was the only time she wasn 't being noisy and bouncy . And she knew how to carry him nicely and put him down as soon as she got him wherever he was supposed to be going . For a snuggle , he preferred Ande , but still she didn 't compare with his beloved Daddy who loved him more than anything in the whole wide world . " I don 't know about you , Ursula , but even crunchy food gets stale when it 's left out too long . I think if you want to hide food , we should hide a whole bag . That way if they run out of food , we can just eat from the bag , like we do sometimes when a whole bag is left on the floor instead of being put in that darn plastic container . " Tatum nodded to himself and decided to carry out the plan immediately . He 'd noticed last night when Ande had filled the crunchy food bowl that there were two bags in the container , and one hadn 't been opened . This would be the time to take it and hide it . It took Tatum a while to pry off the lid of the container . He had to wedge both the container and himself so that when he pushed on it neither slid away , but finally the lid popped off . Tatum jumped up on a chair next to the container and with supercat strength lifted the bag out and dropped it on the floor . He then dragged it into the living room and under the couch to the corner with the little table . No one bothered to go back here . The table was wedged between the television and the couch , and it probably could stay under there for years without being found . Meanwhile Ursula continued to make caches , as she still thought they 'd need more food , and she claimed she didn 't mind stale food , although Tatum thought she did . Personally he just thought she was stubborn . Eventually Ursula tired of the exertion and flopped down for a nap . Tatum also decided sleep was a good idea , and went upstairs to sleep on the very soft bed . He was sound asleep when he was awakened by a yell from downstairs . Posted by LT was very glad that fall was coming . It was beautifully cool at night , and the days were pleasant , warm in the middle of the day without being hot and nice enough to sunbathe for prolonged periods of time in the morning and late afternoon . Daddy had even raked together some nice piles of pine needles for him to lie in . They smelled heavenly and were cozy to sleep in at night . That was a big advantage to fur . You could sleep on pine needles and enjoy their smell without being poked by them all the time . Humans had to sleep on gigantic soft pillowy things that they then covered with soft cloth . Their skin was so sensitive , and any little bit of fur they had did nothing to keep them warm or protect them . Not for the first time he thanked the Great Cat that he had been made a cat . Earlier today Fuzzy had been begging at the back door for the treats that the Daddy gave out . Amazing . This was the cat that didn 't want to have anything to do with them after that one Cat Club meeting , but when exposed to fancy treats he forgot all resentments and greeted them all happily . He 'd even been nice to Peep without being told , which was a first . LT wasn 't sure that he should be jealous that Daddy gave treats to Fuzzy , worried that the treats would run out faster or happy that Fuzzy wasn 't picking on any of them . He rolled around on his back in the pine needles , crushing a few to get extra pine scent and in the contentment brought about by the smell he decided to be happy about Fuzzy 's new behavior . He eased himself out of the needles and carefully stretched out all four legs . His old bones really appreciated it when he babied them a little . Long slow stretches - first the hind legs , one at a time , and then the front legs , also individually . Then he arched his back and wiggled a bit to work the kinks out of his spine . He also waggled his head a bit to loosen his neck and then bent his chin to his chest to finish the stretch . Now he felt ready to do anything . LT considered for a minute and then took off like a shot acPosted by It was a black day for the Peep , Miss Rudy and LT . First thing this morning the Mommy trapped Peep in the office and Rudy in the bedroom and then brought out the cat carriers . First she rudely shoved Miss Rudy into a carrier ( from Rudy 's point of view at least ) . Rudy hollered to Peep , " Save yourself , Peep , she 's going to take us to Tibet ! " When the Mommy came into the office Peep was cowering under the desk . She did not want to go to Tibet . She 'd heard on television that Tibet was a marvelous country , but Peep 's experiences were that it was just a place that had way too many cats and dogs and smelled terrible . Plus , every time she went there she ended up in terrible pain . The nasty man who lived there seemed to enjoy torturing animals , and even worse than that , Mommy let him do it . Mommy walked into the office saying , " Come on out , Mommy 's little girl . You know I love you but we need to go to Tibet . " . Peep 's answer was not something that can be printed in a family - friendly blog . Suffice it to say that she invited the Mommy to ingest something that wasn 't normally considered food . After a brief tussle , Peep ended up in the carrier and Mommy had a few new scratches . Meanwhile Daddy was trying to convince LT to come to him . Since they were outside it was a totally different proposition . LT had heard Rudy yelling inside and knew exactly what was going on . He considered just blowing town and leaving Peep and Rudy to their fates , but he knew he 'd have to go another day , so after a token protest , LT let the Daddy catch him and put him in the carrier . The drive to Tibet was uneventful , other than Rudy 's constant complaints . Mommy carried them into the building and Peep was happy at least that there were no other animals there . The man who liked to torture cats was there unfortunately , and Mommy greeted him like an old friend . They chatted about Mary Land and the Daddy and then Mommy brought all the carriers into a little room . She took the cats out one at a time and the cat torturer pried open their mouths , felt their tummieImage courtesy of http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / File : Syringe2 . jpg Tatum was not a brave cat in the best of circumstances , and tonight had not been the best of circumstances . Earlier in the evening , before it had even started getting dark he heard heavy rain hitting the side of the house , and the noisy girl running around closing windows . That didn 't bother him much . He 'd been lying on the bed and watched warily as she 'd closed the window in case she decided to flop on the bed or something . When she left , he dozed off again for a few minutes only to be awakened by an odd rattling sound - almost like someone dropping lots of marbles . He knew what that sounded like from the time Ande had dropped her container of marbles on the kitchen floor . This noise was coming from outside , though , and it was getting louder . He jumped off the bed and headed downstairs just in case whatever it was came through the roof . Ande was downstairs looking out the back door and he heard her say something about not seeing hail in a long time and how glad she was that they 'd just cut down a bunch of iffy trees . Tatum decided the best place for right now was under one of the old choir chairs . They were very sturdy , and if a tree was going to fall on the house , iffy or not , he wanted to be as safe as he could . After a few minutes the rattling noise stopped , and the wind noise dropped considerably . Tatum eased himself out from under the chair and went to look for Ursula . She was under the couch , and when she saw Tatum she asked , " Is the house going to fall down ? This is terrible , just terrible ! " " I don 't know , " replied Tatum . " I think it 's getting a little better . I heard Ande say that it was hailing , but I think it 's stopped now . The wind is dying down too , so I think it 's safe to come out . " Both cats ventured out and headed for the crunchy food bowl . They both found food to be a great stress reliever . Along with the usual traffic noise going by the front of the house , they could hear the sirens of fire trucks as they went by . After one really loud truck went by with sirens and Posted by LT was catching up on the news . He 'd decided many years ago that what happened to the humans effected him , so he tried to keep up with happenings in at least this country , even though he didn 't understand half of it . This morning there was a story about state pensions - how employees would have to work more years before they could stop working , pensions would no longer get a cost - of - living adjustment and that humans would have to contribute more money to their pensions while they were still working . After listening to the story , LT thought he understood what a pension was , but he wasn 't entirely sure . Cats , of course , didn 't have anything like pensions . They didn 't have anything like jobs , other than the few odd cats like Greymalkin . If they lived wild they just caught or scavenged their food , and it wasn 't like they could do anything with it so that it would still be there when they were old and didn 't want to hunt or scavenge anymore . LT thought it would be a nice system , at least for cats who lived wild . After they 'd lived wild and got old , the state would come out and feed them . Yeah , right . That would never happen . And anyway , what self - respecting cat would put up with the kind of rules set by humans ? Show up at a certain time ? Not . Follow some human 's rules ? Not again . LT was glad that Daddy didn 't have to worry about things like this . He worked for himself , so it was kind of like he was a cat living wild . If he wanted to eat , he worked . If he had enough to eat and wanted to relax for a few hours , he could . LT wasn 't sure , though , about what would happen when Daddy got older and didn 't want to work anymore . Retirement , that 's what the humans called it . Time when you pretty much did what you wanted to , and got paid for it , although it seemed from the news stories that a lot of humans weren 't getting paid enough to stay retired . Whatever . Too much for a cat to figure out , even if LT did believe that the government would be better if it were run by animals than humans . He had a rePosted by Hello , the yarn lady here . I received word this morning that one of the dogs that I had mentioned in my blog has signed on to the class action lawsuit . Bucky , who lives in the house in Mary Land that Peep 's Mommy stays at during the week , has signed on . The lawyer says he has also received inquiries from about 250 other dogs who are considering signing on . The odd thing is that according to Google metrics , the site visits for my blog don 't match up with the number of dogs who may join the lawsuit . Since the suit doesn 't seek any financial settlement , this doesn 't make any sense to either me or my lawyer . He 's going to send me the information on these dogs so I can try to find out how they even became aware of the suit . Cooper understands I 'm trying to control my legal fees , so I get to do the legwork on this . The lawyer also made an informal inquiry to the court about the format of the lawsuit , as it has some major irregularities . For one , I am cited in the suit only as " The Yarn Lady " . How in the world can the US District Court accept that ? They throw out suits for failure to document proper delivery of documents , so how can they hear a suit where my name isn 't even right ? The reply Cooper got was interesting . He was told the title , " Yarn Lady " could be considered as a " also known as " ( AKA ) since I refer to myself by that name in the blog . The suit might need to be amended prior to trial to include my full name , as well as more identification for the dogs who have signed on to the suit . Dog licenses , veterinary records or AKC registered names would be considered sufficient for the purposes of the court . Oh well , it was worth a try . The most glaring issue of all is the individuals who are the plaintiffs . They are dogs , and as such do not currently have the legal standing needed to bring a case to trial . Lawsuits about animals are brought by humans on behalf of the animals , and the humans need to prove that they have been injured in some way by the actions of the defendant . Those injuriesAnde Noren Ever since Peep had come to live with the Daddy she had been confused about something . He talked a lot about the ham equipment that he kept in the special room in the garage , but no matter how many times Peep went in there , she could never find the ham . He kept the door closed and it wasn 't the type of door she could open , so she had to wait until he was going in , so she hadn 't been able to get in there all by herself to really investigate . Sometimes she 'd hang around the door after he 'd said to the Mommy that he was going to go talk on his ham radio and then she 'd sneak in when he opened the door . She 'd prowl around and carefully sniff the air , but there was no sign of ham , either fresh or canned . Peep loved ham . It was her second favorite food , bacon being the first . Canned ham , fresh ham , ham cold cuts , ham steaks , it didn 't matter . They were all delicious . When Mommy or Daddy put ham in front of her , she just couldn 't resist eating it as quickly as she could . She didn 't talk to it or on it , and didn 't understand how the Daddy did it . Last weekend they 'd had ham for dinner , and Peep had watched them carefully , and not just because she thought she might get a smackeral for herself . She wanted to see how Daddy talked on the ham . He didn 't . He ate it , although he did talk to the Mommy while he was eating . But he talked to the Mommy lots of times when he wasn 't eating ham , so that didn 't make any sense either . This weekend Daddy was talking about going to a hamfest . Now that was something Peep could get into . She bet there 'd be canned hams , fresh hams , barbequed hams , baked ham with pineapple , ham sandwiches - a cat 's delight . She wished Daddy would take her , so that she could eat all the hams too . It was selfish for him to go by himself ! So , Peep decided on a plan . Daddy said he 'd be leaving early in the morning . Peep waited until he 'd gone to bed and checked out his truck to see if he 'd left a window open . He did that so that LT could sleep on the seat where it was comfy . SPhoto courtesy of Kevin Saky - http : / / www . nivek . com / kc2kfc / newhamkit . htm

It was necessary for an incoming student at the University to have a high school diploma . When I was in the United States Army I took a battery of tests and without further ado I received a General Equivalency Diploma ( GED ) . I didn 't need any additional schooling . One thing I learned about college and everywhere afterward is the significance numbers have . A digit identifies every achievement . The numbers started stacking up on my behalf in college . I was oblivious to them . I had a guidance counselor who was a graduate student . A graduate student was a person seeking further college education after receiving an undergraduate degree . The graduate student was a big part of the educational system at the University . They would be RA if it were the Army . When I went to see my guidance counselor he meant to be helpful . After my first grading period , or " quarter " as it was called , he thought it would be good for me to take a three - hour class to learn how to plan everything . According to the grade the teacher gave me I didn 't do very well . Also I didn 't do very well the whole time I was in that University when you look at the numbers , but I consider I learned a large amount . When I completed my schooling I had a 2 . 4 accumulative point hour ratio , which was below average . Well into my time as a sophomore ( second of four segments ) I had not " declared a major " . Declaring a major was the selection of one academic field of study that would become predominant over all the others . My counselor seemed concerned , but apparently many students had to be prodded like me . It was not unusual . I chose Journalism . When I began , the Journalism school was in the process of moving into a new building on " west campus " . It was called the J - school building by many people . I learned some very beneficial things about writing when I was there . When I was a freshman at the Ohio State University I was like a babe in toy land . As a new student I had to live on campus in a dormitory called Scott House . It was all male . Across the street was a huge building about ten times the size of Scott House called Taylor Tower and it was an all girls dormitory . There was another all girls dormitory called Norton House that was right beside Scott House . A dormitory and meals contract for each quarter cost $ 734 . An office in the center of the campus took the money . It was called the registrar 's office . A full schedule of academic classes cost an additional $ 218 . I had the GI Bill , which paid for the schooling . Then my parents sent me money for food and lodging . I had no financial concern in those days . I didn 't realize it then , but that was marvelous to say the least . When I was walking to the Commons where three meals were served each day I would walk on a well - manicured walkway . One side of Taylor Tower was facing me . I would often look from the bottom of that building to the top and I couldn 't help but think how many females there must be stacked in very precise vertical rows . All the rooms were exactly the same . The bunk beds were in exactly the same place in each room . I had gone to an all - boys boarding school . Because of the absence of females in my daily life I had developed an attitude that they were mysterious creatures . I knew they were classified as human , but to me that is where the similarity ended . I didn 't think of females of our species as more or less than males , just vastly different . While initially sexual attraction was a significant factor I became aware I would effectively loose association with half the human race if I didn 't put that aside . At the University there were many conflicting attitudes . I was settled with the idea that each person 's attitude was representative of them and there were only absolute answers to questions like what is two and two . I got a paper plate of desert food and sat down in a plastic cushioned chair . I didn 't know anyone there , and I wasn 't with anyone . I was feeling self - conscious and looking for a seat more than anything else . She came over near where I was , and joined the girls in her room on the floor . The University was geographically located on what was called the corn belt of the United States . Her hair was yellow and long . It was parted in the middle and went thick and straight down each side . Along the entire length of it there were many tiny little ripples . She was radiant . There was a shine about her . When she was sitting on the floor with her friends she glanced at me several times . Under normal circumstances it would have been rude the way I was staring at her . It was the weekend and there were no classes that day or the next . It was late in the afternoon . That girl and me kept getting to know each other better . I loved her uncomplicated understanding . We walked to the center of the campus where there was a small size outdoor amphitheater carved into a hillside . I did not know it was there , and when I discovered it I was excited and imagined it was just like the ones in ancient Greece . An aisle divided the right side from the left side . About four hundred people could sit there . The seats were flat stones . On the same surface behind the stone was a grassy place where people sitting in the next row up could put their feet . There were many green plants behind the small earthen stage . A person could not see through them . Apparently it was part of a large garden . Beyond the last row of seats to one side I could see the second story windows of the house where she said the President of the University lived . Other than that it was secluded . There was no one else there . She sat on the end of a lower row , and I stood where the actors stand . I was feeling like Euripides , and in a theatrical way said , " though , the boys throw stones at the frogs in sport , the frogs do not die in sport but in earnest . " She wasn 't moved . I needed something more germane . " Friends , Romans , countrymen lend me your ears . I come to bury Caesar not to praise him … cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war . " She watched quietly . I went over to where she was , and sat down beside her . I sighed and told her who those people were . She asked me like a doctor if I always did that sort of thing , and I said I never had such a lovely audience . The Scott and Norton house newsletter had in its gossip column that a certain room in Scott House had one more than four people living there and it was almost true . Then suddenly she just left . One day she was there , and the next day she was not there . It was just like when I was a small child at home and I forgot a parakeet named Blue was perched on my shoulder . I walked outside and the bird took off . It flew way up inside a large Elm tree . I could not see it but that is where I saw it go . I knelt under that tree and cried for hours hoping the bird would fly back onto my shoulder . I went out there several more days . That bird could have been half way to South America by the time I stopped grieving . Much later I heard she was married . I couldn 't have done that , and thought it was probably better she was gone . All my life I never made a decisive decision to do something or not do something . Everything I did was like a force out in baseball . Going into the Army was a force out . Her leaving me was a force out . It happened all the time . Going a certain direction whether I wanted to or not was always happening to me . In the amphitheater we talked for a long time . I was walking around looking things over and talking to her in the distance . When I was standing one row up from the row where she was standing we were next to each other . I was looking down at her , and she was looking up at me . She put her lips inside her mouth and reached up with both her hands to where the zipper was on my pants . I asked her , " What are you doing ? " She said , " I want to turn you on . " I looked over my shoulder at the windows . I said , not here . Imagine how it would ruin the president 's day . Then I said , actually it is me . I do not like public displays of affection . My car is in the parking lot . I jumped down to her level and kissed her quickly . That was the first time we touched in a definite way . By the time we walked the distance to the student parking lot it was nighttime . I had a banged up car that always started . A mercury vapor light was at the top of a high pole about 15 car widths away . It shown down through the side window . I could see her hair . She stopped moving to put it behind her ear . Then she continued . I could see her cheek and the line of her jaw . I watched her passively . She was a totally unabashed . That summer the snack bar was open during the evening study hall . I was trying to memorize algebraic equations and how lithium bonded with barium . We took a break . We sat across from each other in a booth . Each of us had one of those ice cream cones that come out of machines in a twirl . She licked it , and put the whole thing in her mouth . It was vanilla and I couldn 't believe what she was doing . I looked to the side hoping no one was watching . There looking right at us was this fat ugly man who probably had rotten tobacco stained teeth . He was attending an agriculture seminar . They were staying in one of the empty dormitories . He was hunched over the table on his elbows with a cup of coffee . He was still looking at us when we finished and went back to the study hall . When I was a freshman we had an assignment to read a little book that didn 't get the attention it deserved . It was a small reddish paperback written by a teacher in Indiana . In slightly more than a hundred pages the book defined not thinking clearly . The English class where I was assigned to read the book met two times a week in a large lecture hall . Then it broke into smaller size classes of twenty or so students who met three times a week . A TA ( teacher 's assistant graduate student ) was the teacher in the smaller class . We began and ended our discussion of this book in the same week . At the end of the week we had a multiple - choice quiz on the subject of the book . I didn 't do very well on the quiz . At one point , in our discussion , the teacher said , when someone sitting in a stadium sees two people kissing in front of them and it is objectionable to the person , why is it objectionable ? Then the teacher answered his own question and his answer indicated to me that he didn 't get what it said . His answer was , " He isn 't getting any . " I raised my hand , and he asked me what I wanted . I said , maybe the person doesn 't like public displays of affection . The girl who was so good to me was sitting in the seat next to mine . Out of the corner of my eye I could see her shift positions in her chair . If a heavy ball is suspended from the ceiling by a cord and it goes back and forth like a pendulum two people in different positions will describe an entirely different action . One person in one place will observe a forward and backward motion and another person in another position will observe a left to right motion . They are looking the same thing . Those people each have a different frame of reference . Ohio State University was much like life . There were terrific teachers and terrible teachers . A student had to find out who were the best ones if they wanted to be in their classroom . I didn 't make the effort . I plodded through the system passively . Some colleges were in an academic bell jar , but sooner or later the real world was inevitable . Ohio State University was definitely in the real world . It is well defined by someone long ago who said the primary activity of institutionalized education would soon be to feed the already existing military , industrial complex with people . My teacher in that English class was a total product of his environment . He was a good spokesman for his environment . Another time he said to the whole class , if you get C grades you are going to have a C life . You 're going to have a C wife , have C children , and get a C job . That was excellent testimony about the world in which he was immersed . " C " was mediocre grade . At another state school several students were shot and killed by soldiers who were sent there to restore normal order . Domestic violence between students and university administrations started when the U . S . military dropped bombs over North Vietnam and Cambodia . The government said the bombs were dropped because the North Vietnamese ( the enemy ) was using the Ho Chi Min trail to supply their army in the South . When soldiers shot the students I read that people questioned why the soldiers had ammunition in their guns . Even if the officers in charge never intended the guns be fired it wouldn 't have crossed their mind to issue , carry , or produce a weapon that could not be used . It was reported that the soldiers were backed into a corner . So a bunch of 18 and 19 - year - old weekend warriors with loaded guns were scared . It takes a tremendous lack of imagination not to see someone would get shot . The State Police ( highway patrol ) came and went first . It was said they had to have a legal reason to be on campus . Neil Avenue was the road going through the middle of the University . A gate on Neil Avenue located in the North Campus area of the University got closed . That blocked traffic . Buses full of state police arrived . They wore facemasks . They had shields , and wooden mallets . A laboratory newspaper called The Lantern prepared by the J - students and supervised by the faculty reported the gate closing with a photograph that actually showed the gate being closed . A long time later when order was restored the photograph appeared a second time deep inside the paper . A brief statement said two of the adult people shown closing the gate were identified as plain clothes State Policemen . There were more radical students than the state police could handle . They left to make room for the soldiers . The University was State property so the City police didn 't come on campus , but during the military occupation their presence on High Street was significant . High Street was next door . It was where all the bookstores , bars and fast food restaurants were . The city police were dressed in brand new riot gear . They had guns that shot non - fatal wooden plugs called knee knockers . I saw a line of twenty or thirty soldiers standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the administration building . They were expressionless and stared straight ahead without focusing on anything . An officer was moving around behind them . In front of them were many students trying to provoke any or all of the soldiers . One student with long curly locks was going on and on directly in one of the soldiers face . It looked like the officer went over to talk to that soldier , but without turning his head he very quickly reached out , and grabbed a handful of the student 's hair . The officer pulled the student by the hair into the building . I saw the student wince in a bent over position as he was led up the stairs to the main door . Someone said there was a person on the second floor taking photographs to identity people , but I did not see them . Soon after that , the killings happened at the other university and the Governor closed all the state run schools . I went to the island in Maine for several weeks . I worked there in peace and quite . It was like being on a mountaintop where hate and violence were foreign . When the University reopened it was as if nothing had happened . At the University one weekend I went with a girl to her house where she grew up . Her house was in a farming community near Columbus . Big company silos were on the border of town . The grain that went in them grew on surrounding farms . The silos were like tall buildings that I could see long before I got there . We went to a farm where her family raised beef cattle . She said her mother didn 't like living on the farm so they moved to town . She also said her father was a director of a local bank . In the driveway of their house in town they had an above ground 300 - gallon bulk fuel tank . There was a single axle dump truck parked nearby . She said , most days her father drove it to the farm . They were going to have a cookout for friends and family . We were the first ones there and I talked with him outside by the grill . She and her mother were in the house . As he talked he was busy adding more charcoal . The rather large piece of meat from one of his steers had been cooking a long time in the covered grill , and it would cook a long time more . We didn 't talk about anything in particular . We just talked . Later alone with her in the house she asked me what we said . She said he had told her he wanted me to leave . I tried to be amusing , and told her I guess I didn 't make a very good impression . We were in a large basement room of her house . I heard some footsteps at the top of the stairs like a person was listening . I said again loudly so they could hear that I was leaving . I drove back to Columbus alone . An intense heavy - duty drama was unfolding back there that would be perfect for television , but not for me . I think her father was shocked to see what his little baby brought home . If I had a rattle , drooled , and made gurgling noises perhaps he would have allowed me to stay . Didn 't he know his baby had grown up ? He probably thought I was too old for her . I could understand his concern . I was a 21 year - old freshman . She was a corn fed 18 - year - old . I had been in the Army so I was always older . I was sitting at my desk in my dormitory room when she got back . She brought me several slices of beef from their cookout . She said she was sorry about her father . I said she didn 't have to excuse him . I thought it was very nice that when she got back she came right away to say what she said , and bring me some of the food . In one of the first classrooms I was in at the Journalism School we were to learn the news style of writing and practice it every day . The teacher was a middle age woman who was once a reporter for a large daily newspaper in Iowa . She always walked hurriedly down the hall like she had to get an important story finished . She was a reporter through and through . As we were walking out of the classroom during the last week she called me over to her desk . She told me I didn 't have the grades to pass the course . I would have to repeat the subject . It probably seemed to her that I took the information lightly . I said , okay , like she was telling me to take a right turn instead of a left turn . She was an exceptional teacher and I got to be in her classroom twice . Each day she would give us a short writing assignment to complete right there . It would be based on a list of facts that she would pass out to each pupil . Before we began typing she would take a few minutes in front of the whole class to talk about news writing and that was the best part . The longest part involved typing . I couldn 't type very fast . I had to look for each letter , and it took me longer than it should to write words . She had something different to say each day , but some things she repeated over and over many times . She said for us to save our opinion for the Editorial page if we ever got there . She said our job , as reporters was to report the facts . She said the city desk would give us assignments so it wasn 't absolutely necessary for us to find news was but it was absolutely necessary that we , as reporters , know how to report the facts of a story in a fair and honest manner . She said a reporter who manipulated the facts to support a particular point of view was being extremely unprofessional . Also , she said they were doing a tremendous disservice to the reader . She said the most important part of the story should be first because the editing department might have to cut the story short to make it fit . She said the news style of writing developed in the days when telegraph lines transmitted information long distances . The whole story was in the first line because the transmission might end at any moment when the wire got cut . She said we still write that way because it is effective . It sells newspapers . If the reader is short on time they don 't have to wade through the entire story to know what has happened . We were instructed to indicate the end of each story with " 30 " . She said that telegraph operators indicated the end of a story in that manner because it was an easy transmission to make and it was necessary to indicate no more story was coming . The custom has prevailed , she said . She also talked about knowing what news is . She said a reporter who finds news or can see it on their own , is a big help , and will be recognized as such . She said news is whatever a person in the community you serve needs to know . Human - interest stories or feature stories she said were another subject . Years later I heard she suddenly dropped dead . A new wing of the Journalism School building was named after her so she must have made an impression on other people . I never knew her personally , but when we passed in the hall she always made an acknowledgment of some kind . One time she told me I had a nose for news , which was a tremendous compliment coming from her . She added that I couldn 't type or spell worth beans . She said the typing was an acquired skill , but the nose for news wasn 't . A new issue of the University newspaper appeared every weekday . The paper was staffed by journalism students who were selected by the faculty of the Journalism School . There was a new staff each grading period . I was never on the staff , but when I was a Junior and Senior occasionally I would get assignments to do stories for the paper . One time I was given the name of the Director of Transportation for the University and told to do a story on that department . I went to the man 's office , and was waiting near his desk while he talked on the telephone . He was having a long conversation about whether the exhaust pipes on new busses should go on the lower right side , the lower the left side or straight up on the right or left side . I wrote the story as a day in the life of this guy and mentioned the exhaust pipes . The story never got printed and the person at the copy desk where I handed in the story asked me sincerely , " Are you serious ? " I replied that I didn 't know the answer to that question , but I added that the assignment on that man 's job was not a joke to me . I told her I didn 't write a self - imposed joke , but if his job seemed a joke then that is the way it is . After the professor of Agriculture talked to me I went over to a vegetarian restaurant on High Street to get another opinion . I had become acquainted with the owner - operator earlier when I inquired why I couldn 't have an avocado with olive oil . His answer was because it isn 't on the menu . I liked him . When I asked him about hydroponic plant growing he said he didn 't know anything about it , but he wondered how the plant would get the " trace elements " found in every plant and in the soil . He said , " A plant is more than it looks . " When I asked the Professor a question about what the person on High Street had said he walked around me like I was a bother to him . I caught up to him and told him it was a real question . He became friendly , but he never answered the question . I suppose he thought it was unscientific , and not worth answering . He was a very involved in his work . Among other things fifteen credit hours of a language was a requirement for a degree . I had taken the French language in boarding school and that was difficult . The only reason I was able to complete and pass the course was that the teacher took into consideration my effort . At the University I was expecting Italian would be easier because I was half Italian , but it was equally as difficult . I wanted to get a degree so prospective employers would know I was college educated , but a degree became like a bunch of sour grapes . If I couldn 't get it no matter how hard I tried I didn 't want it . As a last ditch effort I wrote a letter to the head of the Italian language department asking him to excuse me from the language requirement . I explained my situation exactly . I didn 't try to sell or sugar coat anything . I said that to pass the Italian language course I would have to devote so much of my study time to it that I would not be able to do much Journalism , which was my major field of study . I didn 't think he would change anything for me . I was told there were a total of 35 , 000 students at the University . I was mentally prepared to leave . I was very surprised when I quickly got a letter back from him saying that I was excused from the language requirement . I was overjoyed . It amazed me how good I felt when I got that response . I would never meet the man . I stayed there . One of my past coaches said opportunity presents itself to us all . One person is properly prepared for it , and the other is not . When I went to the place where the cards were made the person who ran the place was alone in the room . He was excited to hear that I wanted to do a story for the University newspaper about what he did . He sat down right away and gave me his undivided attention . He talked and talked . I had to interrupt him several times to clarify a point , but other than that he told me everything about his job without my having to ask many questions . At one point he was talking about a big stationary camera in the middle of the floor . He said it took the pictures that went on the ID cards . By his conservation he seemed to imply that two photographs were taken at the same time . I thought I misunderstood what he said and backed him up . He did say it . I asked him why the second one and he said it " stays here . " He added in quite a matter of fact tone that the student riots in the past had helped his office grow in importance . He said the camera I was looking at was a special one purchased recently . He said people who ran the University apparently wanted to have a picture of each student on file . He told me about the laminating process and other aspects of his job . He had ideas all his own about how the student ID card would some day become a charge card . We shook hands and said good - bye . One teacher explained the legal aspects of Journalism . He said an elected official or someone in the public eye has no legal right to privacy . The teacher said if such a person thinks they have been represented unfairly and they bring the newspaper to court then what you wrote about them better be true , or you have libeled them . He said truth is a defense when writing about elected officials . He said most Journalism that is contested falls between those two extremes , and that is why it is contested . He asked the class if a reporter was invading a person 's legal right to privacy if someone was identified in a photograph that shows them throwing a ball on a sunny day in a public park ? He said even if the only purpose of the photograph was to show the beautiful day , we would want to get the person 's permission . He said we might think a certain representation is harmless , but the person identified might think otherwise . The graduate students in the Theatre Department directed many short , one - act plays for different projects that they were doing , and they needed actors . Undergraduate students in the College of Theatre got first choice so I got mostly minor parts , which were sometimes the best parts . In one play called " Waiting for Lefty " I became an immigrant union worker . I imagined how my grandfather was although he was not in a union . I spoke with a heavy Italian accent , and had great fun . I almost switched my major field of study to Theatre , but I had to think of eating when I grew up . There was one play I did that was very serious . It was called " Jean " . Jean was the butler . He and the lady of the house fell in love . That was the story . There was just one other actor in the play and that was the lady . The graduate student director , the girl , and me , got together several times in his apartment , and read over the script to get it exactly the way he wanted . I was amazed how exacting he was . He once said he was doing the play for her . I suppose his doing something for her meant he knew her well . Their relationship seemed personal and friendly . My relationship with both of them was friendly but mostly academic . They both had escaped the confines of the Theatre Department . They were off Broadway or different from the usual theatre students . Their scene in itself was fascinating , but I didn 't ask any personal questions . I was grateful that he asked me to be there and be Jean . It seemed like life was a big chore for her or maybe that was the lady in the play . Once another person and me ran the " light board " which was where all the lights for the stage were controlled . We had to bring lights up and turn them down on cue . She was very smart and had almost a 4 . 0 grade point average , which was the equivalent of straight A 's . She was a Theatre and Dance student . We often talked when there wasn 't much to do . One day at the light board I asked her what an arabesque was . She had mentioned that word and I didn 't know what it was . It was like she transformed herself into a tiny ballerina that goes around and around on one toe inside a glass music box . She stepped back , and unfolded slowly in a deliberate way . She stood up on the ball of one foot , and when that was accomplished she slowly turned her hips and body sideways raising her other leg higher than her hips . She then slowly brought both her hands together in a circle around her head . Her face was looking up in the opposite direction of the pointing foot on the raised leg . She held that position for a second and then she came down on two feet and said very unemotionally , " That is an arabesque . " It is a good thing I was sitting on a stool , because if I wasn 't I would have fallen on the floor . I turned my head to the light board . I didn 't tell her it was practically the most beautiful thing I had ever seen a person do . We were each assigned to come up with a question , and design a survey around the question that would give the answer . At length we discussed what good data was . The teacher said there would be many people who would give us data to support what they wanted . He said as journalists who had the public trust we had to be able to recognize one from the other . My survey design called for a questionnaire to be inside newspapers sold at newsstands and from newspaper vending boxes . The potential respondent would receive a free candy or something else of value if they answered the questions . A similar approach was taken in distributing the questions to people who got their newspapers at home . When the course was over the teacher gave us a final grade , and that was one of two times I went back to a teacher to get a higher grade . The teacher and I talked for a while about the merit or lack of merit of my work . He asked me why he should raise the grade , and I said my study would get unbiased results . I needed a higher grade so I wouldn 't have to repeat the course . I hadn 't received a failing grade but as a Journalism student I had to get at least a " C " in each Journalism course . He said he would raise my grade one letter . During my time at the University I took two courses in Political Science . Both courses were on the main campus , and I had two different teachers . The department of Political Science was not part of the school of Journalism . Both courses were about American politics . Often , tests were the type that had several answers to each question , and we were to select the best one . The second time I ever went back to a teacher for a higher grade was in Political Science . The teacher didn 't raise my grade , but he was a living example of one aspect of American politics . One morning he came to class wearing a three - piece suit with an American flag lapel pin . His hair was all slicked back . He looked very different . He said that day he was going to a luncheon right after class where he would meet long time elected officials . He wanted to become a politician and it was his idea he had to have the approval of the people who provided the lunch . When I was a freshman and sophomore I lived in a dormitory on campus . I had a meals contract . A dietitian prepared the menu . They were " balanced " meals . As a junior and senior I lived in an old house a block and a half from the University . It was on the South side of Frambes Street . Two brothers , who spoke Greek , owned the house . Their last name was Greek and they looked Greek . I think they were Greeks . I suppose the house was an investment property for them . I seldom saw either of them . I mailed them the rent money . The first floor was one apartment occupied by a married couple with a Golden Retriever dog . He was a graduate student . Their apartment was nicely furnished . I never went inside but several times I could see inside from the front hall . They were busy people who were nice enough when they talked . He moved one day , and I heard he got a job at a bank in California . On the second floor there was a small two - room apartment where a music major lived . He listened to classical music and played a large wooden stringed instrument . There were three other small rooms on that floor . I rented one . One student who worked very hard and got good grades rented the other two rooms . There was a large attic room rented by a quiet person . He left early in the morning and returned at night . I rarely saw him , but I could hear him come and go . When he graduated he worked in Columbus and continued to live there . On the second floor we shared a room with a sink , shower , and toilet . It reminded me of the one in New York City . A stick of dynamite would have improved the place . I went to college year around , but between each " quarter " there was a " break " . The dormitories would be closed during the breaks . When I lived in the dorms I would go home , but when I had the off - campus apartment I didn 't have to leave . I made fewer trips home . When I stayed in Columbus during the break I would do " spot labor " to get some spare change . In those days a company that did that sort of thing would have a waiting room where people would show up in the morning to work that day . It was called a " Labor Pool " . I always got a job because I had a car , and I could take other people to work . The agency liked not only my car , but also the fact that I was sober and well rested each day . Usually the jobs we got were the ones no other person would do . Once I went to work for a plumber whose customer had a frozen three - inch PVC sewer pipe under a house trailer . After I got there that was when the plumber described the situation . He was a nice older man , but I told him I wasn 't going to crawl under that trailer and fool with that sewer pipe unless he got " Lincoln and Jackson shaking hands " . As I was walking away I heard him say , " No one wants to work these days . " That comment struck a nerve , and I turned around . The work wasn 't as awful as I thought , and he bought me lunch . On another job five of us moved mud . We were to make the ceiling of a room in a new apartment building a few inches higher by digging the floor down deeper . The builder had made a mistake . I dug three days with other people , and I think the job went much longer . Five or six concrete blocks were removed from a wall . We put each shovel of wet sticky mud through the opening and shook it off outside . We walked on boards . If someone stepped in the mud they would sink like it was quick sand . We weren 't supposed to go in a large adjoining recreation room , but once we all did to relax a moment and play a little Ping - Pong . We walked across an otherwise spotless linoleum floor leaving gooey footprints behind us . The room was furnished . There was a large cabinet type television that was gone the second day . So was one of the people who came with us the first day . A uniformed policeman stood on the edge of the shiny floor looking back and forth at the large hole in the wall and at all the thick mud . Maybe it could fit through there and maybe it couldn 't . He didn 't find out that day . We all talked as we walked back and forth . The person I talked with most of the time said he was in a state mental hospital . He said he and many others were released at the same time when the Governor said there was no need for them to be there . His honesty was most unusual . He had this incredible honesty about himself that no one else had . Four of us went to work at another place where steel drums were re - conditioned . The job lasted several days , and each day the same group of us went in my car . Two of the people were older men . They always carried a pocketsize bottle of wine . Several times , another person and myself , in the front were offered a drink . Outside , on the job , everything was frozen and cold . We were supposed to get a load of drums out in the yard , and bring them to the factory . We had an old truck with no license plate . The horn and lights were broken , but everything else worked . An old rusted steel drum that had ice and snow stuck all over it was made to look new . That is what they did there . At the end of the day a foreman would write our time on a piece of paper , and we would go back to the labor pool office . Someone there would cut us a check for the day 's work . Our pay rate was the minimum wage . We would hurry to a store across the street . A big sign above the door said , " Checks Cashed . " There was a charge for cashing a check . It was a " package store " too . Two of the people always bought a particular kind of wine . They would look someplace else if it weren 't for sale there . The wine they bought cost a forth of the money they earned that day , and tomorrow they would do it all over again . I do not know where they slept , or what they called home . They didn 't expect things would ever be different for them . It was depressing , but they were never depressed . The person who sat in the front was young man who always wore the same dress shoes . Without a word he would change the car radio station even if it was where he put it the previous day . When I got there about 30 other people also answered the same advertisement . After a few minutes a person came into the room . He talked with people in the front row . They laughed . Then he proceeded to speak to all of us , and show slides that pictured a large ornate house with palm trees and flowers all over the place . He said the house belonged to the person who started the business and in so many words he said we could have a similar house if we wanted . He still hadn 't said what it was we would do . I was beginning to wonder if it was legal . When I raised my hand and asked him what the job was about he said in a moment he would get to that . A few minutes later he brought out this thing and if it weren 't for the hose and a few attachments I would never have guessed what it was . It didn 't look like any type of canister or upright vacuum cleaner I had ever seen . The person who was speaking said selling the object on the desk in front of us was the job . He said he was a dealer , and we could be dealers too by getting other people to sell the product for us . He explained that the office would give us names and addresses of people who would be prospective buyers . He went on to say that before we gave a demonstration for real we should practice it on our parents with him watching to see if we did everything right . I went up to him afterwards , and explained I was a student at the University , and that my parents lived far away . He didn 't seem to think that was a problem . He said I could start right away . I learned how to show what the product could do by watching another person do it for people in their house . When an appointment was made by telephone by an office person they said there was a free gift for them if they listened to the whole thing . I never sold a vacuum cleaner but I gave out many free gifts . For several weeks I demonstrated the product to about 20 people . I thought I made a few sales . The main person in the vacuum cleaner office told me each time that the credit application was denied . There was no sale . I got a sales lead from the vacuum cleaner office to go to a house that was near the University . Early one evening I went there . A woman lived in the house with her daughter . The woman was studying English in a masters degree program . She was married and divorced as a teenager . The six - year old child was from that marriage . The mother seemed my age . Her face was pretty . She wore baggy clothing that day , but I found out later , she had an exquisite body . I took a black and white photograph of her standing against a white wall in Florida with her hands behind her back . She was wearing skimpy white under clothes . She had a disgusted look on her face , but she did what I told her . She had a picture perfect body . The free home demonstration called for showing how well the vacuum cleaner worked . I was practically cleaning her whole house . She was sitting up straight on a couch with her arms folded across her knees . She would point what to do next . The stairs opened into the main room . There was a banister on the open side . Her child was in the middle of the room and when she saw me vacuuming the stairs she looked at her mother and laughed . Her mother laughed , and covered her mouth with her hand so I would not see . We talked for a while , not entirely about vacuum cleaners . When I was ready to leave I was standing by the door with my coat on and she was across the room . I asked aren 't you forgetting something ? She asked , what ? I said your free gift we promised you , it is a big part of our operation . She walked across the room . I handed her the package , and she tossed it on the couch . I told her it might be a doily or a finger bowl or something useful in the kitchen . She pushed me out the door . We saw each other often , but I was rarely in her house . I never saw her child again and she never saw the room where I lived . The University was closed between quarters . She invited me to meet her in Florida . My job selling vacuum cleaners had fizzled out . Now and again I did spot labor . I met her near Miami , Florida in a fancy hotel beside the ocean . It was a very busy time of year in South Florida , and when I asked her how she was able to find such a nice room she said very plainly that her father ran the construction company that built those hotels . She said there always was a room for him . She flew from Columbus to New York City and then to Miami . She was very stylish . I drove straight there from Columbus , Ohio in the Rabbit . The Rabbit was the name my mother gave to an Italian automobile that was subsequently given to me . When it was mine I kept it parked on Frambes Street . My mother had bought it a few years earlier when she went to an auto show in Milan , Italy . It was one of the few times she traveled , and one of the only times I remember her traveling with my father . They went to Italy because in Italy my father and a few other American investors were trying to make an orange juice mix that required a person add water and stir . The mix idea died on the vine , but in the early stages my parents went to Italy together . An Italian citizen met them at the Milan airport and showed them around the town . That is how they happened to go to the auto show . There were many sleek cars but there was one car with headlamps and running boards . It was the Alfa Romeo replica of their 1929 car that won so many races . In the late 1960 's there were many replicas being made around the world and they were so garish and awful that the word " replica " when used in conjunction with an automobile was the same as saying poorly done . The Alfa Romeo replica wasn 't like the others , but it always carried the stigma of that word . The car didn 't sell very well . Only 92 were ever made . The one my mother got was the 68th . It had the number 393068 embossed on the firewall . It was built in the Alfa Romeo factory , and the body was designed by Zagato who obviously had no restrictions imposed on him by the Alfa Romeo people . It was like the 1929 car in concept only . It was assembled on the Alfa Romeo 101 chassis . It had Borani wire wheels with 42 - millimeter spline hubs and knock - offs . The motor was the normal 1600 cc four - cylinder engine with twin overhead cams and it had a two - barrel down draft Solex carburetor . An Alfa 5 - speed transmission , deferential and modern rack and pinion steering made it quite an automobile . Even though it was made and imported into the United States in 1968 when this country 's emissions laws were in effect the title to the car said it was made in 1967 . That meant it was exempt from pages of emissions laws . The car was spared much plumbing , added weight , and reduction in power . The car was light and quick . It had stiff suspension and went around corners like it was holding onto something . My father told me what happened . He said my mother saw only the way it looked sitting on the floor . She wasn 't one who bought many things , but she ordered one of those cars on the spot . I was told the Italian man with them tried to steer her toward something else , but it was no use . When the car arrived , my mother drove it one or two times . My father drove it more often , and he parked it the last time he drove it front end first into a barn . The reverse gear fork was bent . Neither my mother nor my father ever drove it again probably because they could not back it up . It got covered with dust and bird droppings . Eventually the battery died . Then one year in late autumn a 17 - year old boy on his own time pushed the car out in the sun to clean it up . That was the day I got the car . I was in Columbus . The telephone rang . It was my father and he told me to come home quickly because " your mother " is going to give the Zagato ( He called it the Zagato ) to the boy who cuts the grass . I jumped in my beat up car and headed for home . When I got there I told my mother that if she was going to give the car to somebody she should give it to me . I told her that I liked the car as much as the boy who cuts the grass did . She gave me the car . The first time I drove it long distance was also the first time I went to Florida . It was warm . The hotel was near the water . People were lying in neat rows on metal frame cots that had plastic cloth stretched across them . She knew just how to get a cot . We went up to a person in a white uniform at a small station under a large parasol . He took two towels and led us to the cots like a person showing someone to a table in a restaurant . After he left we sat down and she took out a plastic bottle and smeared some of the content on her skin . I did the same . Then we both lay back on the cots like two more greased sardines . Soon I sat up , and turned toward her . We were both wearing dark glasses . She didn 't turn her head toward me when I spoke . It was like her eyes were closed . I could not see them . I said I would rather go north and break ice or wrestle an alligator than bake in the sun like this . I wasn 't as easy going as I might have been . This whole scene was hers . I told her I like beaches and the ocean . I asked if there was a place where every square inch was not a grid . We went in the hotel grease and all . She got two towels and a book and we drove up the coast in the Rabbit . There was one traffic light after another , and at one or two intersections young people in bathing suits walked across the street . She said they were college students on vacation . I replied that I had heard about that phenomenon where college students , not entirely unlike us , flock to this area at the same time every year . We found a public beach . It was about 500 feet long . It had a paved lot for cars between it and the road . I put some coins in a parking meter . There was a stucco wall and several palm trees . As we parked someone came up to us and said it was a " gay beach " ( that didn 't refer to the actual beach but meant the people who went there were homosexual and lesbian ) . She questioned if we should stay , and I said there are no signs to indicate heterosexual people aren 't allowed here . I said maybe we won 't stay , but I would like to see if people are running around grabbing each other 's rear end , or if they have antennae . When we looked there were relatively few people . I didn 't see anyone who struck me as overtly offensive . We sat on towels in the sand . The water was warm , but it wasn 't very clear . Neither of us went swimming . She was wearing clothes over her bathing suit , and when she took them off I had to marvel once again how extraordinary she looked . She could not be unattractive if she tried . That night we heard a well - known actor - writer - comedian at one of the hotels . When the lights were on she left and came back . I saw her on her way down the aisle to our row , and I kept watching her . The way she carried herself looked so good , and then she sat next to me . I told her the way she looked . She didn 't say anything . She smiled and looked down . At dinner I had asked her what she would have done if she didn 't get into the masters degree program . She said she would have been a stripper . On the beach I was sitting staring at the horizon . Occasionally a pelican flew along the shore . She was lying on the sand beside me propped up on two elbows reading a thick book she brought with her . She finished it , and I asked her what happened . She asked me if I really wanted to know because it was a long story . I asked her to tell me the main points . She said , in the story a space ship is broken down on one of the moons of Jupiter . It contacts its base in another galaxy . The China wall is a message that says , " part is on the way " . Then most of the book is the story of the earth and wars that go into the future . A child being held by somebody 's hand on the moon picks up a piece of shrapnel and that is the part for the broken down space ship . Thousands of years of human history have gone by , but it 's only been several months somewhere else . I asked her , people building the Great Wall in China thought they were walling something in or out and all the time unbeknown to them they were sending a message ? That is the story , she said . She also said she met the author . Late that afternoon we went to a hotel bar that was nearly empty . One table was in a nice place in the room and we sat there . Somebody had been there before us . A waiter came over to clear the glasses away and I was passing them over to him . When I held a half - full glass with fairly fresh ice in it I hesitated a moment and drank it all up . Then I handed it to the waiter , and said I hated waste . She ordered a drink . I said I 'll have whatever he is having and pointed to the empty glass . When he came back with our drinks he said right away how much money it was . I paid him , and he left . " He charged you for that drink " , she said . I looked over to the side . Ten feet away the waiter was resting on his elbow on one side of the bar , and the bar tender was beside him on the other side of the bar . They both looked at us with big grins . The people in South Florida were so friendly . I grinned back and waved . It was such a beautiful day in the neighborhood . She said they were laughing at me . We stayed there long enough to have a few more drinks . When we went to our room she was feeling very romantic like there was a candle in a wax covered Chianti bottle . For one moment I accommodated her . I wrapped my arms around her . I kissed her deeply and turned so that she was leaning over backwards , and I was holding her weight entirely . I thought that was the way a knight who wasn 't wearing his suit of shining armor would kiss a fair maiden . My white horse was tied up at a hitching post outside . She didn 't like me behaving that way , and she got mad . The fantasy was over . The next day after breakfast we were in the room getting ready to go outside . I turned on a television that had always been there . It showed the funeral of a former President of the United States . There were caissons . Even the dead person was in a horse drawn hearse . Remove all the concrete in the background and it could have been the beginning of World War One . The Prussians were like that with plumes on prancing horses . They ran into fully automatic weapons and poison gas . Here was this on television . They were burying a person this time . I was sitting on the edge of the bed enthralled by the whole thing . She wanted to go , and asked me how I could watch a funeral . I said just a minute and held my hand up without taking my eyes off the screen . She wouldn 't wait , and said she would meet me in the lobby . She left the room . I watched a few more minutes and when I got off the elevator I saw her first . She was sitting on a seat that went around a large column . She was leaning back on the column with her eyes closed and she had this painful look on her face . When I got up to her and spoke she opened her eyes . Soon after that I said I was going back to Columbus . She acknowledged that statement like it was a good idea , and I left . My departure was sooner than planned . The Rabbit burnt the exhaust valves on the number two and three cylinders on the trip down there . It got worse on the return trip . By the time I got back I had half power . Also , when I got in the warmer weather on the way down there a bushing assembly located where the steering shaft goes through the fire wall caused the car to steer stiffly , and at high speeds it jerked to the right and left . The two front tires wore out . I didn 't correct either condition until I got home . I stopped in Cincinnati and took the head off the engine . I took it to a dealer to have the two valves replaced and all the others lapped and properly shimmed . I fixed the bushing . When I got back to Columbus the break was over . I saw that girl a few more times , but it was not the same . Finally when we didn 't see each other anymore she sent back a picture I had given her . It was an old faded ink drawing on rice paper . It showed a Japanese woman in a kimono walking along a path in the rain . Her hand was extended and it held a Japanese lantern on the end of a stick low to the ground . She was finding her way down the path by the light from the lantern . It was between spring and summer quarter after my second year that I moved off campus . A pre - medical student on Fourth Street advertised for a roommate . He was in school that summer , but the other students he shared his apartment with were not . He needed help with the rent . I didn 't have the apartment on Frambes yet . The first place I lived off campus was the Fourth Street apartment leased by the pre - medical student . Several of my friends lived in the dormitories during that time . I was there often . In August the Ohio State Fair was happening in that city . It lasted two weeks , and we went there several nights . We never went through the main gate where we would have to pay admission . We would always go through the exhibitor gate . We looked down at the ground and said , " hog barn " like it was a matter of routine . We said it exactly a certain way so as not to raise suspicion . We said it loudly , quickly , and with a country twang . The guard there never questioned us . My friend from New Jersey devised this method of entry . He was in college to become a small animal veterinarian ( vet ) .

Posted on April 30 , 2012 by awesomeschrimp 4 Have you ever woken up , already knowing the day would turn out disastrous ? The moment I stepped out of bed and out on the chilly floor I knew that nothing good would come out of today . Apparently the weather decided to be just as foul as my mood , which didn 't help the matter . Even more depressed then when I found out I needed glasses a week ago , I slouched down the stairs answering my mother 's endless calls impatiently . " Are you ready for the school trip today , Bruce ? " I shrugged without looking up from my bland breakfast . " You 're going to that horse ranch in Appaloosa Plains , right ? " dad asked , taking a sip from his coffee . " Should be fun . " A couple of minutes past in silence , until Caleb broke it with a summary of his last tests and grades , all of which were straight A 's . I automatically sunk lower in the chair , trying not to think on the D I had just gotten in biology . But who needs biology anyway when you 're going to be a famous rock star ? Ah , there she was ! The familiar pink hair in a new hair - due stuck out like a sore thumb in the packed bus . Sitting by the window she waved me over to her . " Shut up , Mel , " I snapped , trying not to smile . Melody loved my mom almost as much as I did , having only had a father . Since we were little kids she and mom had become very close . I think mom liked to have some female company sometimes ; you know , since she 's always surrounded by us boys . " Careful now , miss Wilson , " Mrs . Lowood warned , before making her way through the masses of students . She called us all to silence . " Okay , can everyone hear me ? Good . Now , I want you all to keep quiet and listen to the owner of this ranch ; John Green . " The stables were dark and even smellier than outside . It was hard to breath in the stuffy air ; the only thing keeping Mel from complaining was the fear of breathing in too much of the humid air , and choke . We were standing at the back of the crowd when I caught a glint of a familiar figure closing in on us . " Hey , what 's happening ? " she whispered annoyed . The second she saw the blond girl , with the exasperated look on her face , Mel 's confusion faded . " Oh , man . " Melody was whispering something beside me , but I was too busy trying to figure out the girl 's name . How had I been going to the same school as this super cute girl , without even knowing her name ? I couldn 't for my dear life come up with any sort of recognition ; maybe she was new at the school . But she seemed to … " Ouch ! " I cried out , making all faces turn in my direction . Mrs . Lowood sent us a quick reprimand across the stables , before giving the word back to John Green . The girl next to me ; the one without a name , sent me an annoyed look . " What did you do that for ? " I hissed . " You 're not listening to me , and I had to get your attention somehow , " Mel said out of the corner of her mouth . " I was saying that you should talk to Julie , soon . You can 't keep dodging her whenever you 're in the same place . " The rest of the day passed pretty uneventfully . I kept stealing small glances at the girl I still couldn 't figure out the name of . Melody probably knew , but she would never let it drop if I told her why I was wondering . Julie seemed to get tired of looking for me , so I managed to get home without having to face the awaiting disaster . Yes , I am aware of how cowardly that is . Melody invited herself to stay at my house after school , as usual . Your parents cook way better than my dad , she would say . I announced my arrival to whoever was at home , which turned out to be dad , before making my way upstairs where Mel had already turned on the stereo . " I love this song ! " she laughed as she danced around in my room , her pink hair swinging along with her movements . " I said I 'd never let you go , and I never did . " I sat down , pretending to read homework for a while . Until my curiosity got the better of me . " Mel ? " She didn 't stop dancing , yet I had to ask . " You know that girl I bumped into at the stables ? " " It depends , are you going to tell my about this sudden interest ? " Mel teased . " Come on , you know you can tell me . You like her don 't you ? " " Oh my god ! You 're totally crushing on her , aren 't you ? ! " she exclaimed excited , before turning serious again . " But seriously , Bruce . Another crazy girlfriend is the last thing you need right now . " " Yes , it is , " she said , opening the door out to the hallway . " And I know that look , so I 'm just going to leave , since I 've probably lost you already . See you tomorrow at the auditions . Don 't be late , please . " But she was right ; I was already lost . Rose , her name was Rose . And Rose Fields at that . Without really admitting why , I was almost looking forward to school tomorrow , for the first time in forever . Posted in Generation 2 - Bruce Velvet | Tagged legacy , sims 3 , the velvet legacy | 4 Replies " Why don 't you read a book ; get some Aria - time ? " Dr . Thorne had said . " Sometimes the mind needs a break from its hectic , scheduled everyday life . " " of a wife ( ? ) " This was ridiculous , how was I ever going to concentrate with those two ? " What in God 's name is happening up there ? ! " It sounded like a horde of angry elephants were tumbling down the stairs . Not a frightened child and a teenager on the war path . I threw the book away with a heavy sigh , got up from the sofa and halted the boys in their steps . But asking them what was happening was a mistake , as they both started explaining at the same time , throwing each other a death stare . " Then why don 't you ask me first next time , and maybe I 'll say yes . " Bruce took the phone hesitantly . He must have been just as surprised as I was , seeing Caleb give up that easily . It just didn 't seem like his normal behaviour ; what was he up to ? Things seemed to calm down for a while , yet I didn 't care to take up the book . Everyone was occupied with their own thing when face two of Caleb 's plan was set in motion . " Damn it , Caleb ! " Bruce was sprinting down the stairs for a second time in a couple of hours . " I can 't belive you would stoop that low ! To send her a message , from my phone ? It didn 't even sound like me . " " I think it sounded just like you , " Caleb said , jumping down from his chair . With a dramatic hand gesture he started reciting what I assumed was the message . " Hi , Julie . Their showing the newest John Sim movie in town . Wanna go ? Bruce V . " The two boys started chasing each other around the kitchen . " I did you a favour ! I heard you tell Melody that you wanted to ask Julie out . " " Is that true ? " Brad inquired , getting only a shrug as answer . " Sounds like your brother did you a favour , maybe you should thank him ? " " Now , wait just a second , " I said . " You don 't know if she 'll say no . For all you know she might just like you , just as much as you like her . " " Well , if that 's how it 's going to be , " I said . Caleb said it was . " Then why don 't you call your brother down to dinner , so your father and I can get the information straight from the source . " " Yeah , I told you Melody . It 's sent , no getting back now … You really think I 've got a chance ? … What ? ! Who 's side are you on , anyway … right … well , I " The door was opened and Caleb came in slowly . He wasn 't allowed in there as much as he would 've wanted , but he immediately recognized the familiar scent of teenage boy , lingering in the air . " Mom sent me to tell you dinner is ready , … and to apologize . " Caleb turned to leave when Bruce stopped him hesitantly . " Listen , Chubs , I shouldn 't have gotten mad , " he started , not sure how to finish . " Actually , I meant to thank you , you know , for sending it . I do like her , so . . . thank you , I guess . " Caleb probably wished he had a phone right then , so he could get that speech as a ringtone . But he didn 't say anything , he just gave his brother a warm smile and went down to dinner . After all , this was what he had wanted ; to do his brother a favour . And have fun , but mostly the favour . After dinner the two brothers went to do their own thing . Bruce was submerged in his music as usual . The guitar he had gotten for his birthday was never left alone for long . He was actually taking classes on how to play , and had finally gotten good enough to stop the neighbours from complaining . And if he was in a good mood , he would let the family come with their wishes for the next song . Caleb usually distanced himself from such behaviour . Even though every note flew through his head and lingered in his mind , creating patterns . But he was always to busy with homework , reading , experimenting in the garage or looking through the telescope his father had helped him set up on the roof . " There aren 't as many as I thought there were , though , " Bruce said , nodding as Caleb told him how the lights from the city made it hard to see any stars at all . " Well , it 's still pretty cool . I can see now why you spend so much time up here . But I have an idea for something else we could do . " This time it was Caleb 's turn to nod as Bruce explained the plan . Meanwhile , in the other end of the hallway , Bruce had already decided what to bring . He had been thinking of getting rid of it for ages now , but every time he tried to toss it away he realised how much it still meant to him . " Stupid doll . " Together they snuck out to the back of the house . They could already see the little cluster of trees down by the lake : perfect for their plan . They tried to not make too much noise as they started digging near the trunk of a tree . Without a word Bruce took up an empty box from his bedroom , the only box who wasn 't filled with half - bad song lyrics and band logos . " So , you brought Puzzle ? " Caleb asked . He knew how much the thing had ment to Bruce when he was younger . In fact Caleb had one of his own as well , but he never got quite as attached as his brother with Puzzle . Caleb opened his hand , showing a disfigured lump of wood . " Remember when you tried to make a rabbit out of it ? You said it would remind me of my big brother and his brilliant nick name for me . " He sat himself on the bed , nodding . " But that 's normal , we have two kids , and you 've been dealing with the whole sister - dilema . Not to mention how you lost your parents as a child . Anyone would get a little anxious after all that . " " No , it 's not . It makes sense , and I think it 's a bit easier to cope with these anxiety attacks , that 's what they called them , now that I finally have a name for it . It might be the first step to recovery . " " You really think so ? " he asked , calming down again . He took hold of my hand , before continuing . " Then I think it 's time to take a step back , and let the boys take it from here . " Posted on March 25 , 2012 by awesomeschrimp 3 " I 'm taking Caleb out for a walk . Don 't burn the house down ! " I called out . " And make sure Bruce does his homework , " I said before closing the door behind me . " There 's no way he 's doing his homework without me there to pester him about it . Promise me you 'll do your homework without trouble , Caleb . " These daily walks had become a sort of break for me . For a while there would only be me and Caleb , walking in silence . As a mother I loved my whole family to bits , but as a person I was starting to get pretty tired of the constant noise at home . I needed these small moments of peace to keep my sanity . Caleb enjoyed them immensely as well . There was always something new to be seen or pointed at . He especially enjoyed it if we passed by the auditorium in town . We had established a route . It took us past the bookstore , where I would look longingly at the books I knew I wouldn 't have time to read . But it also went by the town 's auditorium . Sometimes there would be concerts , the music would carry out through the hall and out on the street . Caleb loved to just sit and listen to the tunes from whatever musical or artist they were performing . There actually was a concert that day , but it didn 't start until later in the evening . I was just about to tell Caleb the bad news , when a familiar voice spoke . " Aria , It 's nice to see you again . " He ignored my outburst and leaned down towards Caleb . " He looks just like you . " I didn 't say a word . It felt like I had just seen a ghost . Protectively I took Caleb out of his baby carriage , settling him on my hip . " I hear an old friend of mine say that Brad Jones , or rather Brad Velvet , is the father . Is that so ? " he asked in his old , self - important tone . I nodded with a slight smile . Christian reached out a hand to ruffle Caleb 's hair lightly . " Ah , children . The very reason we exist . Parenthood is quite the experience don 't you think ? " After that the conversation flew easily . We talked loosely about what we had been up to these last years , and so on . Turns out he and Lydia had been living in Bridgeport since they both left Hidden Springs . Their daughter had been born around the time I had Bruce . Lydia had finally gotten back to playing again , and a tour was just what her career needed apparently . She had asked for a special consert here in her husband 's hometown . " Well , it was nice meeting you . " " Who ? " he asked , folding the newspaper neatly together before leaving it on the table . When I told him he looked at me with a quizzical expression . " Christian ? Christian Schnell ? " " You know what ? I just might do that , " he said , getting up from his chair . " But right now I have to get back to work . " He gave me a light kiss , before heading out the door with a cheery wave . The door slammed shut , and I was left with the task of getting Bruce to do his homework . " Bruce Velvet ! Get your butt down here , young man , and do some homework , " I yelled up the stairs , but didn 't get an answer . " Bruce ? " Bruce and homework had a rather turbulent relationship . Sometimes he would do them in no time at all without being asked for it , other times more drastic methods had to be used . It wasn 't that he couldn 't sit still in long periods of time , but rather the fact that he couldn 't concentrate . I had seen him sitting by himself with a sheet of paper , writing songs , or sitting in his room listening to music for hours . I think what was keeping him from doing his homework was the fact that he always had a lot on his mind . He would sit with math in front of him , but in reality he was thinking about a suiting name for the band him and his friends were starting . Or what guitar he wanted for his birthday . As you might have guessed , his biggest dream was to become a rock star . My phone started ringing in my pocket . I picket it up , looking at the caller ID , but the number was unfamiliar to both me and the phone . Taking a few steps away from the boys , I answered . " Hello ? " " Could you excuse me for a second , officer ? " I said lying a hand in front of the phone . " Bruce , could you watch your brother ? I need to take this . " " Sure thing , mom , " he said a little to brightly . I ran out to the back of the house . Before taking the phone again I breathed a steadying breath . " Yes , I 'm still here , " he answered . " Now , what was I saying ? Oh yes , your aunt has passed away and has left no will . This automatically means that you are to inherit her small fortune . " " I don 't want it , " I said without hesitation . I want nothing to do with that woman , not even after death . " An idea formed in my head as I spoke . " Why don 't you give it to Alice ? I haven 't heard from her since I was fifteen , maybe she needs it ? " " My sister , Alice Velvet . Send her the money instead , because I don 't want it . " I heard him ruffle through some papers on the other end . He asked me to repeat the name , which annoyed me more than I should have let it . " Alice Velvet . Daughter of Annie and Richard Velvet . Born in Twinbrooks , she is my twin sister . " It got very silent on the other end , and I started pacing around on the grass , waiting for him to say something . After minutes without a word I was afraid he might have hung up . That 's when he spoke . His words seemed to make no sense as they reached my end of the line . " There is no Alice Velvet in our system , ma ' am . And we have records of all the births in Twinbrooks . There are no school evidence , no job , no nothing . It 's like she never existed , " he said gravely . Just before hanging up he added , " I 'm sorry . " The line went dead , the phone fell to the ground . I slumped down on the bench . My brain wouldn 't prosses the information , and it soon got to tiresome to stay up . Lying , and seeing the world sideways it started to dawn on me . Like an overflowing river long hindered by a dam the tears came running down with the frustration and self - loathing . I needed a break , a break from everything . Maybe talking to a professional would help me understand ? " I can 't do it , Alice ! " " Yes , you can . Just a little higher , I promise it 'll be worth it ! " She seemed so real … Posted on March 11 , 2012 by awesomeschrimp Reply Ah , we all know what this means , right ? No , I didn 't eat too much cake again . I 'm pregnant ! The news came early on the morning of Bruce 's birthday . I couldn 't wait to tell Brad , he would be ecstatic . Oh God , another baby . More diapers , more crying , but more cuddly babies . I admit I was crossing my fingers for a girl this time , because baby Bruce was quite a handful . And he hadn 't even started walking and talking yet . Maybe it was a little silly to expect him to actually blow out the candles , poor thing . So , without Brad noticing ( I think ) I leaned in and gave a little puff . The flame immediately extinguished . We lay him down on the floor , and let him age up . A tight knot formed in my throat , and tears were starting to press in the corners of my eyes . It was getting harder to breathe as my mind tried to comprehend what had just happened . It wasn 't possible , but there he was , just as blond as … my mother . I turned away , as the pain of seeing an image of her cut through me . Small sobbing sounds were starting to escape me . The whole world had finally been making sense , and now this comes and throws it all in a curveball towards me . It hurt to watch him , where he sat with his brush of sandy blond hair , reminding me just how much I missed my mother . Brad crossed the kitchen with ease and wrapped his arms around me . " How do you feel ? I know this must be quite a startle for you , but look at him Aria . He 's our son through and through , and personally I don 't think there has ever been a toddler that handsome . " With his arms around me I started pulling myself together . Of course he was handsome - kind and talented as well - with a father like Brad . It was just my awful nerves that tended to get the better of me , and seeing Bruce had shot me into a tunnel filled with memories I would rather forget . But a mother loves her children no matter what , and my love for Bruce should only intensify now that I know that he has a part of my mother inside him as well . Brad loved the little guy . They were never far from each other , and I would hear them laugh all the time . Bruce adored his dad ; whenever he had to leave for work and Bruce stayed behind with me , he would follow him to the door , cry a bit and wave as Brad left . The rest of the day he would be happily playing with his toys or watch me do some things around the house , but when a car pulled up in front of the house he was already sitting and waiting for his dad to came through the door . We were quick to start teaching him the basic skills . There were three things he should know before aging up to a child : walking , talking and using the potty . Brad had taken charge of the walking part . It usually ended a little like this . And let me tell , this boy did not whimper or sob , he had full - blown , howling tantrums . The bet with Brad seemed to be going in his favour , for now . Something he actually liked to do , was playing on his miniature xylophone . He would sit there for hours a day , slamming on the colourful keys . I would have stopped the awful noise , if it hadn 't been for the overjoyed expression spread across his adorable face . One day we decided that we should take a family trip down to a park where there was a play ground . My stomach was getting big as a mountain , it couldn 't be much time left before we were joined by a little boy . Brad and I had made the decision of finding out the sex . Another boy ; hallelujah * face palm * . And right beside the two of them there was a little pond , and I watched them carefully as Bruce came closer and closer . Brad seemed to be having it all under control , so I let myself close my eyes for a second . But when I opened them Bruce was on his way towards the pond in a hurry . And the joy of seeing him walk was nothing compared to the fear of seeing him and the water together . My heart pounded in my chest as I hurried to help him . There was still no sign of Brad as I called out for him . Bruce was getting closer to the water ; I wouldn 't make it . " Oh no , don 't even think about it , son , " Brad said . He then turned me with an apologetic smile , and a " Don 't worry . I 've got him . " The park accident is not the only incident we have had . Not so long ago Brad brought Bruce to the shop , and asked him specifically to stay close . And wouldn 't you belive it , when Brad came back five minutes later Bruce was gone . He asked everyone if they had seen a blond boy running around here , all the customer and the staff , but no one had seen him . Brad was just about to have a panic attack - which is normally my job - when he heard a familiar giggling from behind a rack of old men 's clothes . Bruce was the complete opposite of his father in this occasion . He didn 't even seem to notice the disturbance in the room . For the moment it was only him and his beloved dinner . " I 'll get someone to cover for me , don 't worry . This is top priority right now ! " He was walking around the livingroom , gathering his keys , phone and wallet . I watched him for a second before deciding what to do . Things were going too fast . What if I actually was pregnant ? We hadn 't discussed it , not really . And this hurried matter of his was making me nervous , I couldn 't see if he was happy or not about this . Things needed to slow down ; now . " No , " I laughed , before turning serious again . " I need to know - before we go anywhere - if we find out that I 'm in fact pregnant ; how would you feel then ? I mean , would you be happy , because I would … and if … " " Aria , listen to me . If we find out that you 're right , I will be ecstatic ! I love you , and I 'll stand by you no matter what happens . " " Oh my God ! I just love babies , " Claire squealed . " They 're just SO cute . " Claire hadn 't stopped talking about babies since the day I told her about the pregnancy ; baby - this and baby - that , non stop . You would 've thought she was the one expecting . I , myself , felt more calm under this pregnancy than ever . Suddenly there was no rush , no fear or concern . I made sure to enjoy this before the baby came , and my life would be quite a different story . " And what 's a baby shower without a shower of gifts ? " Claire exclaimed , rummaging through her oversized bag . " Here you go , little baby . Just remember that you like your auntie Claire best , okay ? " " No , just Belle , " I said , seeing how sceptical she was about the untraditional name . Both Claire and her were convinced that it would be a girl , unlike Brad who was still adamant about it being a boy . The name , Bruce , was his idea ; apparently it 's the real name of Batman or something . I liked it though and personally I was hoping for a boy myself , I think . Don 't get me wrong , I would of course be thrilled if it was a girl , but girls have a way of being rather difficult to handle . Brad 's car pulled up in front of the house as we finished our coffee ; tea , in my case . I was starting to feel pretty exhausted after all the talking and fussing . Maybe I would get some sleep now that he came rescuing me . He led me out to the old bench standing in the huge yard . I leaned my head against his shoulder and silently told him about the girls excitement . And that I thought they might be more excited about the baby than either of us . Then I realised how large and empty our garden was . I should probably plant some trees and bushes around here . Hopefully I would fit in some children 's toys as well . Maybe a swing here and a tree house over there . I closed my eyes , imagining generations of Velvets running around without their shoes on and playing in the dirt , falling in love in the shadows of great trees and marrying on the green , spring grass . It had to be my hormones making me so sentimental . The day started out as normal , almost at least . I was making pancakes even though I wasn 't sure if I should eat . My back was hurting more than usual , and I had felt a bit queasy the whole morning . I brushed it off as some light morning sickness and an active baby , but something was stirring in the back of my mind ; a warning maybe . Later I lay on the bed reading , just like I had done the last couple of months . Brad had left for work and the house was as silent as it would ever be . But not for long . I was starting to get more and more convinced that thing might happen sooner than we 'd expected . But nothing happened , and when Brad came home he took me to a gallery not far from the house . One of the locals was having a big exposition . Her family had been living here for decades so their skin had a tinge of green to it . Art was not my strong suit , and I didn 't really have too much interest in it , but I went with him anyway . When the sun had gone down I was starting to feel some movement in me . More than just kicks , more like full - blown stomps . I clamped a hand around my stomach and hurried to the bathroom . It was in the middle of the night when I heard the screaming . A couple of days ago the house had been as silent as the grave , and now there was always noise . Because this baby did not whimper , he screamed at the top of his lungs . " Hey , baby . " I whispered , lifting him carefully up from the crib . " Shh … it 's okay , mommy 's here . " I heard the floorboards creek behind me as he walked up towards us . Posted on February 22 , 2012 by awesomeschrimp Reply After Brad 's proposal everything seemed to be going faster than before . The second I told the girls , Claire had already volunteered to make the wedding dress . I agreed , reluctantly , afraid she might go crazy with laces and glitter . The dress was done after a short week , and since the wedding wasn 't going to be big the other arrangements were already done . So , tomorrow I would be a married woman . Oh God … " We 'll come by early , and help you with your dress and hair , " Laila smiled . " I 'm so glad you 're happy again , darling . You deserve it . " " Now go get some beauty sleep . With big bags under your eyes there is nothing we can do to help you , " Claire laughed . They both got up from the couch , gave me a hug and left . Brad had gone to his best man 's house to crash there . So the place was all mine . It felt weird not being afraid of loneliness anymore , but definitely in a good way . Finally , I had the freedom and independence that I had wished for , for so long . And having laid that behind I could start a new chapter of my life ; with Brad . There really wasn 't much to do for me , so I went to bed even though it was barely nine pm . I was afraid the butterflies in me would keep me up until dawn , but as soon as my head met the pillow my eyes to grow heavy , and I fell asleep . At least Claire didn 't have to worry about bags under my eyes . At last , the guests were starting to arrive . Some were old friends of Brad 's , others I knew from work . I had recently been back to at the office , after they fired Mr . Alto ; apparently he had some bosses higher up as well . The caked looked delicious . Just like we were supposed to , we went over to cut a slice , And I know that I was supposed to give him mine , but it just looked to heavenly , so I ate it myself . At least Brad thought it was hilarious . It started out as two reasonable sized slices . But after everyone had got some , I went back and managed to eat three more ; I just couldn 't help it . You know how when you 're bleeding , and you know you need a band aid ? Well , I was hungry , and I needed cake . While I was stuffing my face with cake , Brad 's best man , Robert , had managed to persuade him into playing for our guests . First he declined , saying he was a little rusty , but when I sent him a pleading look from behind my cake he took the guitar and started playing . I had no idea how good he was , I don 't think I had ever heard him play until that moment . When he put away the guitar the whole party erupted into cheers and applause ; but none was as loud as I . Poor Brad didn 't look like he cared much for the attention at all . Most of the guests left not long after that . Claire and Robert stayed behind to clean up with Brad and me . Laila would probably have stayed as well if it hadn 't been for the fact that she was not as young as she used to be , so we sent her home . The guests had been few , and the chairs were easily stacked in minutes . The boys had started taking down the tables when Claire came up to me , glowing . " Then you 're officially excused from cleaning duty . Get Robert , Brad and I will take the rest tomorrow , " I smiled . " Thank you for coming . And thank you so much for the beautiful dress ! " " You 're welcome . It was so much fun , I just hope I get the chance to make one to myself one day as well . Oh , here they come . " The next day I woke up , finding the space beside me empty . I didn 't have time to wonder where he had gone , before a loud crash from the kitchen brought me out from whatever fogginess still hung in my mind . The floor was ice - cold as I swung my feet of the bed . " It 's twelve o ' clock , honey , " he replied merrily , putting the pancakes on the oven . I looked at the clock ; how had I managed to sleep this long ? I was always up before Brad . " Oh , man ! The pancakes ! " They looked a little burned , and the kitchen was filled with the distinct smell of smoke . I drew in a deep breath , taking in the smell .

A mid - life crisis was evidenced by a radical departure from daily routine . In the most extreme example a man might run off with a strange woman . The articles were jovial and chummy . I liked where I was . To abandon my family for something else to my way of thinking was badness to the core . Still , I had to admit there was an allure in doing something by myself that was entirely different . I was almost forty - years old and by some calculations my life was probably half over . Even if I wasn 't in the right income bracket I was captivated by the idea . The notion of striking out on my own was there . In those days I read the newspaper each day . The same week that I was having many thoughts about having a mid - life crisis there was a big story in the paper about Yugoslavia . It was written in 1986 prior to the ethnic fighting that erupted there . It was when post World War II Yugoslavia was still functional even though the political leader from that time was gone . The government he set up forty - five years earlier was beginning to end , but it was still together and the countryside and the cities were peaceful . I was there most of the month of May . I took the sleek bicycle I won in the photography contest , and spent almost every day peddling around that country . That trip was the " mid - life crisis " I was supposed to have . I was determined to do something vastly different , and I did . Yugoslavia appealed to me because a person from the United States could travel there with a small amount of money . I was prepared to sleep in the woods , but at the end of every day there was always a town with lodging , and hot food . Between towns there were numerous places to stop , rest , drink bottled water , or eat lunch . Even with the cost of transportation to Yugoslavia I probably would have spent more money jumping on my bicycle at home and pedaling around the United States for a month . The interior of Yugoslavia was less traveled . One old building where I stayed had whitewashed walls inside and out . At that place when I stood outside in front and looked up I saw a white curtain from a window on the second floor blowing in the breeze . All five sleeping rooms were on the second floor , and there was one Turkish toilet among them . Many places away from the coast were like that , but on the Adriatic Coast it was like the time I woke up in a huge glass and steel building . That place was a modern hotel . Breakfast in the dining room was full of noisy people from Germany on a group tour . They were having fun . I stopped the person who moments earlier inquired if I wanted the package deal for breakfast , and asked him with the usual linguistic difficulty if the others were on a forced march or what ? I understood him to say they were groups of Dutch and German citizens gibber jabbering back and forth in their respective languages . Then I remembered the day before seeing the great big stainless steel buses on the coastal highway . That morning at the check out desk a hotel employee told the man ahead of me how much he owed in Deutsche Marks ( German Currency ) . Eventually he moved over to sift through some papers , and it got to be my turn . The clerk said I owed so many Deutsche Marks . I conjured up just enough rudimentary French to say , " Que C ' est Deutsche Mark ? " ( What is a Deutsche Mark ? ) . He looked at me in a puzzled way and then looked down making no more visible or audible utterances . I repeated myself , " Que C ' est Deutsche Mark ? " I thought maybe if I talked a foreign language he would understand me , and if he thought I was one of the fun bunch maybe I would get a package deal . The man who had moved over to shuffle papers looked at me . Just as he was about to get involved in the conversation the clerk looked up , and said what I owed in the local currency . Being on the coast was like being in another country . I got there on a Yugoslavian airliner . At the airport in New York City I spoke with a man who was going on the same airplane . He said he was born in a small town outside Belgrade , Yugoslavia , and for most of his adult life he lived in the South Western part of the United States where he worked in the control room of a nuclear power electrical generating facility . He was going back home to spend some time with his family . He had gone back and forth many times . He told me , in the first few years he was nervous , that the Yugoslavian government wouldn 't let him return to the United States . He said he was more relaxed now , but he still worried . To him the fact he was first a Yugoslavian citizen meant he would always be one . He said he sent some faucets to a friend in his hometown who was building a house . He said the faucets here were better than the ones made anywhere else . He said the way they turned on and off without washers made them better . We were waiting for the airplane . He said the tourist bureau was strong over there , and that if I was being treated unfairly just mentioning that arm of the government by name would instantly set matters straight . Then he told me about a newspaper story that appeared everywhere in that country shortly after the Winter Olympics in Sarajevo , Yugoslavia . He knew about it because his parents sent the article to him . It was about a well - known American movie actor who was entertaining a group of friends in a restaurant there . The next day the celebrity called the Tourist Bureau , and said the bill at the restaurant was much higher than it should have been . The Tourist Bureau investigated the matter and as a result permanently closed the restaurant . The man sitting beside me in the airport said the celebrity was a U . S . citizen , but a Yugoslavian by birth like him . The time in Virovitica was early in my travels , but I had eaten enough meals to know how many diners ( local currency ) one should cost . That one was typical , but it cost three times the usual amount . The manager made a telephone call , but I don 't think it was to the police . I could hear him talking in Croatian back and forth with someone he knew . He didn 't know any English . When I ordered I pointed to words on a note pad , Sta Mi Preporucjete ? ( What do you recommend ? ) . That is what I did most places . I could not communicate any other way . After his rather long telephone conversation he returned to the table and said I could pay the amount I said . After diner I pedaled back to the hotel where they said there was no room . It was the end of the day , and I didn 't know where I was going to sleep . Virovitica was the largest town I was in not counting Ljubljana and Zagreb . It was where two major roads crossed near the Danube River and the Hungarian border . When I got there it was at the end of the day . I went straight to the hotel and asked for a room . It was a big hotel with an elevator . The room had no hot water while the price was quite high . I went back down the elevator with my bicycle and all my things . My habit was never to let the bicycle out of my sight . I was tired and hungry . I must have been the ugly American when I complained . The man gave me back my passport and indicated they had no rooms . I thought he was going to give me another room . I turned around at the front desk to think what to do next . Close to the front desk there were four people on two dark red vinyl couches . A young man and woman sat on each one facing each other . The two men had button down shirts , open collars , and military haircuts . They spoke a Slavic language to each other . It was not clear to me if the two girls understood everything they said . They were looking at me trying not to be rude . I thought that was decent of them to make the effort . I must have been a sight standing there holding that two wheeled machine , wearing black and blue synthetic fiber bicycle clothes . The girl on the couch closest to where I was knew some English , and probably told them about my noisy dialogue with the hotel clerk . I wasn 't starring at them either , but I was aware of their presence . The girl was wearing a small , short , black dress . She turned her head and looked at me . Then she turned back around and leaned over to the man sitting next to her in such a way that I saw her long legs , her shinny brown hair , her thin waist , and her voluptuous lower end . Then she straightened . I felt tired and hungry at that point , and I thought that was going to be the first night I was going to sleep under the stars on a haystack . I turned back around and asked the clerk where there was a restaurant . He made no effort to understand me . I got my pad of paper out and pointed to the Croatian word Gastonia ( restaurant ) , he looked , and then he went on about his business without looking at me or saying anything . When I realized there wasn 't any help coming from him I again turned around and stood there . The four people were talking among themselves . I walked to where the girl with all the softness was sitting . The four of them looked my way , and I nodded hello . I said to her , " excuse me , could you tell me where there is a restaurant . " She said something to the others . Then she stood up , and told me where one was in broken English . When she was waving her hands in the air , telling me the rights and lefts she no longer thought of me as a prospect . For those moments I could see who she was . The restaurant where the bill was going to be so high was on the top of a slight hill South West of the hotel . On the way there I noticed some soccer fields to the left . I thought , if there was no place else I would sleep there . That hotel was the only lodging place in Virovitica . During that trip the idea of being with another person the same way I was with Jenny was not going to happen . Distance plus being alone more than ever made me aware I was one of five people in a family . Being loyal was easy , although I didn 't consciously have that thought . Jenny and I talked a long time about a baby sitter I took several hours to take home one night . It was me who brought it up . She brought it up again and again over the years . She always said how she blamed the girl for what happened when actually it was more me . In front of the hotel there was a concrete terrace with round tables where people were sitting . The Government made it as nice as it could . I got a table to myself , ordered a beer , and sat back . When my glass was almost empty I thought again how I didn 't have any place to stay . Some people were chatting busily at the table next to mine . I leaned over and in Croatian asked them if they spoke English . If they did , I was going to ask them if there was any other place to stay . One of them indicated they didn 't . At the same time a man in a white suit turned in his chair and spoke in English . He was sitting at a table by himself with his back to mine . I had not noticed him . I told him how grateful I was that he was sitting there . He was a young person , and reminded me of the man who comes in at the end of the opera " Madam Butterfly " . I turned my chair half around and explained to him my conversation with the hotel clerk and my overall situation . He was from Dubrovnik visiting his parents who lived in Virovitica . He said he would ask them if I could stay there . We walked down a residential street away from the hotel . He talked about the many tourists in Dubrovnik , and said his parents lived near the hotel . We went past doors , windows , and solid wood gates in a continuous row of houses . There was an occasional streetlight suspended by two wires that came from each side of the street . They were off . There was daylight . The streetlights were open underneath , and I could see bare light bulbs in them . We went through one of the gates . Inside , it was a beautiful enclosed area with trees , grass and other plants . A house was in one corner and in another there was a corncrib . I knew about corncribs even though they were part of history in the United States where now giant machines on wheels picked and shelled the corn . At home kernels of corn were stored in silos or in smaller round corrugated steel structures . Powerful electric fans pushed heated air from the bottom of the structure to the top . In that way moisture was removed . Before then , a corncrib did the same thing . A corncrib was a small building with a floor several feet off the ground . It had a roof , and vertical boards on the sides spaced several inches apart . Wind as much as anything removed moisture from whole ears of animal corn stored there . When I saw the corn crib in the corner of the yard I pointed to it and said , " Oh , you have animals . " He didn 't speak . His parents used that corn for food . The corncrib held the corn they would use that year . Inside the gate he told me to wait while he went to talk with his father . His mother came outside to greet him and before he left he introduced me to her . She and I stood there on the grass fifty feet from the house . She was an older woman in dark clothes . I was holding my bicycle dressed in synthetic fiber . It was obvious we were not from the same place . I became painfully aware we could not communicate by words . Whenever I talked there was a blank look on her face . She didn 't understand a word I said . She looked toward the house to see if her son was on his way back . Then I reached in one of the canvas bags on my bicycle and took out a photograph of my three children . The picture showed all three of them looking at the camera , smiling . It was taken in our back yard in Ohio . They were sitting close together holding three manila ropes connected to a tire swing . The three ropes went into three evenly spaced holes around the side of the tire . It was a thick , fourteen and a half - inch house trailer tire . Overhead , out of sight of the camera , the three ropes were tied to a long rope that was fastened to a tree branch . It was a swing , but in the photograph it was just hanging there , still . I held the picture half way between us and pointed to those three happy faces and then to me . When I looked at her I knew we were communicating . She knew they were my children in the United States . She took the picture out of my hand to look at it more closely . She said the same word over and over , and repeatedly pointed to Gretchen . Gretchen had rosy cheeks and was wearing a new dress and a perfectly round straw hat with a ribbon . I wondered what the woman was saying and if she had a girl . Neither of us saw her son in the white suit coming . He walked up to us and said to me , " He doesn 't want you to stay here . " Then he spoke to her . She was still holding the photograph . She handed it back to me and said something to her son . She went toward the house . I noticed her husband busily doing something near the house . He never looked in my direction . When the woman left I turned and stood talking to the son . He abruptly left when his father called , and again he told me to wait there . It was starting to get dark . I could still see the lushness of green things growing everywhere inside those walls . After a short while the son came back , and he said if I went to the hotel they would have a room for me . I asked him how that could be and without looking at me , he quietly said his father worked for the government . They must have had a telephone . When I got back to the hotel the same clerk was there . I asked for a room like it was the first time I was ever there , and like it was the first time I was ever there the clerk gave me one . It had hot water . Waiting in the airport in New York City the man from the southwestern part of the United States had not talked for a long time . He was diligently going through a newspaper . When he folded it up and put it down he said it showed the most recent winning lottery numbers . Even though he lived and worked several thousand miles away , he regularly participated in the New York State lottery . He didn 't win that time , but by the way he talked , soon he would . There was a meticulous way he played the game . We talked about someone who won the New York State lottery back in the days when that lottery was practically the only one . This someone won an enormous amount of cash and was on the news everywhere . Before that his job was changing light bulbs in a New York City sky scrapper . Three years after he won he was asked how it was going . One of the first things he said was , " At least I knew who my friends were . " People who flew the airplane arrived , and soon after that the rest of us were told it was time to leave . Someone who worked for the airline stood by the door and looked at each person 's ticket . Before that another airline employee inspected the ticket and wrote down where to sit . An adorable girl was assigned to the seat next to mine . The airplane was big . It was an American made , wide - bodied jet owned by a Yugoslavian airline . I had never been inside one that big . There were many empty seats . Few people were going to Ljubljana from New York that night . The plane was almost empty . I thought the empty plane might have something to do with what went on a short while before . American fighter - bombers flying from British air bases bombed a building in North Africa where the political leader of Libya was thought to be sleeping . The American government said he was using " terrorist " means to achieve political goals . In the latest terrorist effort attributed to him a bomb went off in an American passenger airplane . It managed to land , but not before a tiny baby was sucked out the blast hole . When the Americans bombed his house they didn 't get him . He was reportedly sleeping in a nearby tent . Probably , he stood there in pajamas holding back the tent flap with one hand and with the other rubbing his eyes in utter disbelief as he watched bombs bursting in air and rockets red glare . I doubt he went back to sleep that night . His vulnerability must have become apparent to him . He and the Libyan government faded from the news . The United States didn 't consider Yugoslavia a terrorist country . But it wasn 't in the same political camp . The two governments were friendly toward one another , but in that part of the world I didn 't think it would be prudent to wear a U . S . Army uniform to lunch . A political zealot might open fire on me with a Thompson submachine gun . Also at that time there was a big industrial accident in the Ukraine region of the Soviet Union . That might have been another reason the airplane was nearly empty . Radioactive particles went high into the atmosphere . Some people died instantly . Many people died slowly . It was termed a disaster . Numerous reports said radioactive particles were invisible and if one entered a human body or the body of any living thing sooner or later it would die . Yugoslavia wasn 't exactly far away from the Ukraine . I asked a person who worked around radioactive medical supplies every day if there was a hazard . She said I should drink only water bottled before the accident , and not to eat any salads . The girl in the seat next to mine on the airplane was on her way home to Venice . That summer she worked for a man and woman in America taking care of their small children . She was flying to Ljubljana and going on the train through Trieste to Venice . She told me she met an Italian family at the airport . She said they were returning to Venice from a vacation in the Caribbean and were on the same airplane . I never saw them except from a distance going through a baggage inspection station at the other airport . On the plane she got up and when she came back she said the father in that family had said she could sit with them and that she didn 't have to sit where she was . I think he was being protective of her . I understand why . The two of us were put in two seats together on a practically empty airplane . I was sitting by the window overlooking the wing on the left side . She was in the seat next to mine . When I walked back to my seat I noticed the whole airplane was dark . The only bright light came from two little reading lights above our seats . There were no people sitting near . I could see a few people sitting in the middle of the aircraft and along the other side . The Italian man probably thought the airline employee who assigned us those two seats should be court - martialed and shot . I thought the lights should be on because we occupied the seats under them . I didn 't think they should be off with the two of us there . People with lights off sleep better . I was half asleep when she said she was going to another seat . She had turned back and forth the last time . In the morning she came back and we talked about where we were going . I was beginning to be apprehensive about being alone in a strange land . I told her she could stay with me , and I would take her to the train the next day . She said she had to check with the Italian family because in New York the father had said he would take her to the train station in their car . She went back to where they were sitting , and in a few minutes she returned . She said he was going to take her all the way to Venice , which meant she didn 't have to take a train at all . I could tell she didn 't think it was a very good idea to stay with me in Ljubljana . All the money I had was in the form of international certificates guaranteed against loss . When I needed money during the trip I cashed them for the local currency . The first place I did that was at the airport . From behind a half open Dutch door a big friendly man who spoke some English made the transaction . I asked him how to get to the hotel , and he told me . He said the name of the hotel meant elephant . I waited for the bus to arrive . When it let me off downtown I had to walk a long way to the hotel . My bicycle and a few things were inside a cardboard box I carried . I reserved a room the day I got in the country , and the day I left . The 18 days between I had no plans to be a particular place at a particular time . The room I got was in the front of the hotel . Two people were working on the roof of a building across the street carefully repairing some terracotta tiles . There was a bicycle race that afternoon . I watched the race from one of the open windows in my room . Many people were lining the street , and cheering each time the racers whizzed past . I went out there . I had never seen speed and endurance like those contestants had . I didn 't understand a hotel clerk when several hours earlier he looked at the box and asked if I was going to be in the race . In that race there should have been a clown riding an old fashioned three - speed bicycle equipped with a chromium plated horn and a wide motorcycle seat . Late that afternoon I walked along the street . There was a small restaurant on a corner near the hotel . People in line were holding the door open . The people who really knew what they were doing ate there . The line went past a menu taped to the other side of a glass panel . When I was looking at it I understood nothing . I was able to convey this to a person in line behind me and he pointed to one item on the menu . Suddenly three other people got involved in my selection . However , none of them spoke English and I didn 't speak a word of Croatian . The line was moving quickly . When it was my turn a person in white restaurant clothes spoke . I assume he was asking me what I wanted . I didn 't have the slightest idea what to say . The person behind me said something . I paid some money , got change , and moved to the side like everyone else . I couldn 't recognize what was on my plate when it was handed to me by one of the people fixing food behind a glass case , but it was very good . It could have been unborn octopus for all I knew . There were small tables nearby and I ate there . In the confusion I forgot to get something to drink . I did not know the words for beer or bottled water . I got up and went back to ask someone for something to drink . On top of the glass case there was a large picture of amber colored liquid . It looked just like beer to me . I pointed to it and asked one of the people busily preparing food on the other side of the glass case for a beer in English . He pointed back to it and I got the impression he was telling me to help myself . Finally from seemingly endless talk by the people who worked there I learned that place had no beer , and that the clear glass picture on top of the case was full of vinegar for anyone who wanted it . I wasn 't used to seeing vinegar in such a large picture . I didn 't try to communicate any more , and went back to my seat with nothing to drink . I felt like a completely helpless fool , even though the people in that place wanted to be helpful . Being tired didn 't help my chagrin . I went back to the hotel , took a bath , and went to sleep . The bathtub was on four legs in the middle of a large luxurious bathroom with a dark polished floor . I didn 't request anything special . That is what I got . During most of the night loud marching music was coming from loud speakers in the street . It must have been a holiday . When I stayed there on my way back there was no music blaring in the street . The next morning breakfast was in a second floor area of the hotel . Other people who were not staying there came to have coffee and read the morning paper . Outside , in front , there were parallel parking places , and in the morning all of them were taken . A few of those cars were luxurious cars with chrome horseshoes attached to the grill . It signified the car got too close behind a horse and got kicked . Away from the cities I frequently saw horse drawn traffic . People mixed their own morning coffee from two small ceramic vessels . One had super strong , almost concentrated , hot coffee , and the other had warm thick cream . It was exceptionally good . There were several rolls that tasted like they were baked that night . They had hard crust . A person could order other things , but that is all most people got . After breakfast I put the bicycle together . I had bicycle tools with me . Plus , I had a spare folding tire , two spare tubes , a tube patch kit , and some spare spokes inside the frame . The inadequate feeling I had about language went away when I got on my bicycle and started moving . I went to the tourist bureau office and a man there gave me a map of Slovenia that showed every road in detail . I planned to leave the next day on the road to Ig . The remainder of that morning I rode up and down streets . At one point I was on a hill overlooking a residential part of the city . I saw many irregular tile roofs in the morning sun . It got to be the middle of the day . On a narrow side street people were sitting at round tables under large parasols . I didn 't need a clock to know it was lunchtime , but I went past that place . The street opened into a park . A man with a large stainless steel cart on wheels just like the ones in New York City was selling food there . When I rode my bicycle up to where he was I thought maybe he would have roasted chestnuts , but no , he was selling American hot dogs with bright yellow mustard and red ketchup . I had no trouble getting a hot dog . I was standing there straddling my bicycle eating the first one when three people came up to me . One stood in front of the bicycle and the other two , a young man and woman , were on each side of the front wheel . The one in front was a young American from Boston . He had long , loose , dirty , blond hair , and looked sweaty and content . He said they were sitting at a table on the side street I passed . He said , " You 're American aren 't you ? " I said yes , and asked how he knew . He said the valve stems on my bicycle were the kind only Americans have . We got into conversation . Meanwhile the other male said something in Italian to his lady friend . Apparently he considered I was properly distracted and directed her to go ahead . She commenced trying to open the handlebar bag . She was doing it in a coy sort of way . I looked down at her hand on the zipper . It never was easy to open . She couldn 't get it opened . The American said he was by himself bicycling to Northern Europe . He didn 't have a bicycle with him . I never asked him what he was doing with the two Italians . I suspect they were fugitives from Italy unsuccessfully trying to amend their wicked ways . The American said he started pedaling in Turkey . I asked him if he knew the language in each country he went through . He said he didn 't . I told him about the vinegar . I asked him how he managed to communicate . He said I wouldn 't get in a deep philosophical conversation with a Yugoslavian about the meaning of life , but that I could get whatever I needed by pantomiming . After that I didn 't worry about communication any more . Just before I went to bed that night I made a telephone call home . I could make it from my room . One other time I telephoned home while in Yugoslavia . It was from a post office . That was the only place I could make that kind of call . It was unusual that I could do it from the room . It was nine o ' clock at night in Ljubljana and in Cincinnati it was early in the morning . I was sure everybody would be out of bed in our house . The school bus was about to come . When the telephone rang it must have been a little bit early because I could tell it woke up Jenny . She wasn 't a person who jumped out of bed and hit the floor running . When she picked up the receiver I heard a raspy voice say , hello . After I identified myself I said what a great time I was having and she said in the same sleepy voice , " I 'm glad you 're having a nice time . " She put emphasis on the word your . That and her tone of voice clearly said she wasn 't having any fun . She said the children were behaving badly and the night before she took them to her father 's house to " talk it out . " I quickly understood it wasn 't a good time to call . She didn 't ask me about any of the goings on at my end . As soon as I could I terminated the call . After I did I lay there in bed and thought what she said about the children 's conduct . I thought it was all a bunch of toro feces . That morning I moved down the road with all the things I needed . Two canvas bags hung from each side of the back wheel . In front there was a handlebar bag where maps , a camera , money , necessary papers , and other things were . In the bags on each side of the back wheel there were dry socks , a rain suit , an insulated vest , one change of bicycle clothes , one set of civilian clothes , a hairbrush , Chap Stick , and other personal effects . My bicycle tools and parts were in a small pouch attached to the back of the seat . Moving , self - contained , from one place to another was a fantasy I enjoyed . I would need a moving van to transport all the stuff the five of us accumulated at home . I was aware of the difference . I have seen pictures of the past . A long time ago people on horse back traveled long distances across vast plains dragging all their possessions behind them on litters , some with papooses . Late in the morning a front wheel spoke broke . It was the same spoke that got bent during the airplane ride . It broke close to the rim right above the threads . I had the tools and parts to make the repair . There was a nice rock to sit on in the shade beside the road . I drank a bottle of water and rested . During that time not one car went past . It was a quiet road . In the distance there was a wooded hillside where a chain saw " rattled and snarled " . It stopped , and then for the first time I heard a real cuckoo bird . It sounded exactly like the clock . I didn 't think a creature like that existed . The bird was far away on the wooded hillside . It was loud like an owl . Over and over again it made the cuckoo sound . I heard that sound for the next fifty miles until I left that region . At the end of each day there was a town , and each town had a hotel , some with as few as three rooms . I would eat ; go upstairs with the bicycle under my arm and sleep . Most times I was the only one having supper . I found out why there were so many tables where I ate . A few hours after I went upstairs and fell fast asleep the place filled up with Yugoslavians . The town folk met there after the sun set and talked with friends over a beer . The first time I knew of this was when , instead of going to bed , I went out to see the sights on my bicycle . When I returned I stayed downstairs to have a beer , and review maps . I was sitting at a large round table with empty chairs . Soon the place was full of people . When one of them spoke to me I said the word " English " in their language thinking it would explain everything . It was unknown to me that I was saying " British . " A little town I came to had a hotel operated by several people who were like a family . There was an old spinster who took care of the rooms . There was a cook who ran the place , a waiter / bartender , a musician , and possibly a quasi - prostitute . The people there didn 't see many foreigners . The musician spoke some English . He came from Zagreb each day . He filled out the necessary papers on his knee . Then he put his leg down and looked a long time at my passport . On there it was written , " The United States of America " . He said , " OK I put ' Born in the U . S . A . ' " ? About that time there was a popular American rock and roll song with that title . The musician knew it well and all the other American rock music . When he was finished I asked him about the town . He told me the person who put Yugoslavia together after World War II , and governed it for the rest of his life was born there . Other than that he said it was just like any other place . Before I went up stairs to see the room I met the spinster . She was a small , older lady with a piece of cloth wound tightly around her head . She came around a corner while the musician was writing . She talked to him in Croatian . Her manner was forceful and it didn 't change when she turned to me . It wasn 't her concern that I didn 't understand anything she said . She spoke to me at length , and while this direct woman went on and on I asked the musician what she was saying . She stopped , and looked at him . He said she was saying the room had two beds and not to mess up the other one . In English I assured the woman I wouldn 't touch the other bed , and bowed to her graciously . She seemed satisfied with that response and busily went back around the corner from whence she came . The room was longer than it was wide with a high ceiling . The two beds were narrow with the side of each one against opposite walls of the room . Near the door there was a small , white enamel basin with a drain , one faucet , and a mirror . I shaved there , and washed the bicycle clothes I wore that day . They were fast drying . The socks were not . The next morning when I left I pinned them to the outside of a canvas bag on the bicycle . I wore loose fitting clothes to supper that night . There were round wood tables in the dining room . The finish was varnish , but it was worn off from use and repeated cleaning . Someone came out of an adjoining room tying an apron behind his back . I was the only one there . He walked to the table and said something . I said the word for beer and then pointed to the words on a card I carried , " what do you recommend ? " That method of ordering food worked well for me in most places , but not there . The door to the kitchen was propped open . The cook , the musician , and the waiter were conversing in Croatian . The cook sounded exasperated . His voice was loudest by far . The musician must have told him Americans like to eat fried food , because that is what I got . When my beer was almost gone the waiter came out with a plate of food . I asked him to please bring me another beer saying everything in English except the word beer . The plate of food was predominately fried mutton . When I was waiting for it and after the conversation in the kitchen died down I heard the thud of a mallet striking something soft ten or fifteen times in quick succession . After I saw the food I knew what it was . The cook was tenderizing the meat . I ate everything on the plate . In the wee hours of the morning I had the worst diarrhea imaginable . The toilet down the hall was a Turkish toilet . I squatted over a hole in the floor . I never contacted any surface . I had to make several desperate trips there and each time my " rumpet was a trumpet " . The only other time I heard a noise of that kind with that magnitude was from a horse named Casey Jones when he was jumping high fences in the show ring . The first time I squatted over the toilet I heard a door opening down stairs , rapid footsteps , and the cooks voice . I was safely in position over the toilet , and had time to wonder what anyone was doing awake at that hour . Otherwise , the place was silent . The noisy Yugoslavians had gone home , and as far as I knew there was no one else upstairs . The first time I made a mad dash for the toilet the cook must have been startled awake by the American upstairs . Once he learned from subsequent sounds I was suffering from nothing more than " irregularity " he went back to bed . I felt fine that morning when I had coffee and bread for breakfast . I heard the cook again , this time in the front room . In his usual loud voice with great laughter he was telling some others about the previous night . I knew that because every so often he would force air through tight lips to make the gastric distress noise . The night before when I finished eating the waiter removed the plate and everything but the glass of beer . The food wouldn 't take its effect for six or seven more hours . The musician came in the room and went to a platform where there were some electric guitars . After that he sat down at the table where I was and got a beer . Soon , someone else sat down with us . That person was friendly , but unlike the musician , he spoke no English . At first they talked sporadically back and forth in Croatian . Then the musician got his friend a beer , and said to me they were going to perform that night . He said there were others in the band that might show up . The sound of conversation and laughter was beginning to fill the room . The musician asked me where I lived in the United States , and said some day he would go to that country . He didn 't know where Ohio was . The best I could do was describe it as being in the middle . He didn 't say it , but I think he wanted to go where the music was like it was in a special place . He knew the basic parts of the English language . I spoke deliberately and slowly so he would understand . In that way I said , " When you go to the United States come to Cincinnati , Ohio and you have a good time , number one American girl . " As it turned out I never saw the musician again after that night , but when I said those words a big smile came across his face . A moment later he talked in a serious tone to the friend . There were long pauses in the conversation . They were thinking . After another exchange the friend got up and left . A few minutes later he came back , and talked to the musician like something had been accomplished . We were sitting amid loud conversation . The musician was to my right and his friend was across from me . Someone sitting in the empty chair would be facing the platform across the room . When I turned my head in the direction of the platform I did not see or hear the girl who sat in the empty chair . She didn 't converse with the other two and they didn 't converse with her . She just sat there looking cute . The musician never said who she was . She never smiled or emoted freely . When I said something to her she made no audible or visible response except to look at the musician who said nothing . She was not one of the performers . They were in regular clothes . Her clothes would be regular in another part of the world . She didn 't put a glossy aqua colored purse on the table , but it wouldn 't have surprised me if she had . When I thought she was the musician 's idea of a counterpart for the number one American girl , the thought embarrassed me . There was a big misunderstanding . When I was in college it was awesome to hear a stadium full of people shout over and over in unison , " number one . " Even a small boy in Vietnam knew the meaning of those words . It was a widely known American expression . To an American if something was " number one " it was not surpassed . The first day in Ljublana the sweaty American from Boston said language would be no obstacle for getting food , water , and lodging . He said any other discussion would have less certain results . I wanted to ask him more , but like the mad hatter he had to get where he was going on time . The longer I was in Yugoslavia the more I became aware I could not sit down and talk with anyone . When I said " number one American girl " I meant a date so he would have a good time when he visited . It was a casual remark , and I suppose in a general way he understood what I meant . At the time it didn 't seem significant that he knew the details , but I should have spelled out details . We would find some music , and he would have a better time if a female were with him . I wouldn 't be able to describe her specifically . How do you say in Croatian if he wanted to paint a tractor over and over again , a different color each time , she would never say what the color should be ? The musician and his friend got up to sing and make music . Two others joined them . The girl and me were alone . Once more I tried to talk to her and got the same blank expression . I looked at the tables behind me . There were beer mugs . Old and young people leaned forward in deep conversation . Everywhere in that room it seemed so wholesome except where I was . I didn 't know what she was doing there or who she was . It never occurred to me to buy her a beer . I didn 't , and she never got herself one . I don 't suppose it was very nice to leave her there , but that is what I did . I finished my beer and went to bed . Next , I ran to the toilet at 3 A . M . In the little town of Lipik there was a place to stay that was connected to the house of a very wealthy Duke or Count who lived in another time . There were wide tile walkways with arches and arbors . It seemed many people , when they got there went no further . Behind glass doors children silently jumped in a large swimming pool and adults with white rubber caps on their head moved through the water without disturbing the surface . Not long after the sun went down a musical group played in a great big room . Once it must have been the grand ballroom . The entire ornate ceiling was illuminated , but the musical group and the people listing to them were all at one end of the room . When the count was alive , whirling people probably filled the place . I sat by myself at a small table drinking a wondrous beer made in Zagreb . There was a large group of eight or more people at one table having a fine time among themselves . Occasionally , some of them got up to dance . There was a young woman at that table who never danced even though she seemed to be having a good time . When people beside her got up I could see there was nothing ornamental about her . Her dark clothes didn 't exaggerate any part of her . I don 't know if they were silk or rayon , but it could not be denied she was a lovely sliver of a girl . I walked up to the table and had no trouble convincing everyone there I was a dumb tourist from America . A young man sitting where I was standing popped up . He probably had three beers also . He slapped my back affectionately . He was feeling about as good as me . He said twice , " boom - boom Kadafy " . He was referring to the North African country the Americans bombed several weeks earlier . Apparently , he was speaking for the others . All faces , but the girl 's , seemed in agreement . She could have had an automatic rifle hidden somewhere outside , but not on her person . I could not tell if she was shy or just unfriendly . Since the person standing beside me was instantly my buddy I pointed to the girl , to myself , and then to the dance floor while saying in English , would she like to dance . He spoke to her and conveyed what I said . At first she didn 't move . He said something again and she got up . She was shy . We walked to the dance floor , and when I said something it was clear she understood nothing . When we danced I was overwhelmed . The custom was that I could hold her body close to mine . My one arm could go around her waist , and the other held her hand out to the side . Her other hand was on my shoulder . The sides of our heads were close , but they did not touch . I spoke to her , and when I did we looked at each other . Her eyes were dark as coal . I forgot we could not talk . Her head went to the side . I held her as close as I dared and we moved to the slow and easy rhythm of the music . When the music was over we were near the band . People crIn Zagreb I met a spy , or a counter spy , or a thief , or a plain - clothes policeman , or someone related to the order of things . The Tourist Bureau in Ljublana gave me a superb map of Slovenia that showed every road no matter how small . In Zagreb , which was in a different political region I tried to get a similar map . A lady behind a desk in that city said no such map existed . She looked at my bicycle several times when she was talking as if to size up what sort of tourist I was . She repeated herself to be certain I got the message , and then I said twice , " Someday when I come back you have map like this . " I was shaking the folded Slovenija map in my hand . Soon after that I became aware someone was following me . That person was watching when I ate lunch . I don 't know who sent him or if in fact he was sent , but when after several hours he was still behind me I didn 't think he was a common thief looking for an opportunity . On my way out of the city I went down a long , straight hill . There were some trolley cars , but overall it was much less crowded than any place I had been that day . The road forked . I stopped , turned around , and looked up the hill . Here comes the spy . He looks off to the side like I am no concern . At that point it is obvious we are both aware of each other . I wave hello as if he is simply another cyclist . He then stops beside me and we converse . He speaks fluent English . I don 't ask questions . I say I am on my way out of the city going no place in particular . Shortly after that he turns his bicycle around and pedals slowly up the hill . I watch until he disappears . He never once looks back to see which way I am going . I suppose he wasn 't being paid enough to follow me any longer , or maybe from our conversation he understood I had no political design . It was drizzling , and it started to rain harder the day I went into a place that had a sign hanging outside . It wasn 't mealtime . There was no disguising I was a foreigner riding a bicycle . When I went inside and didn 't buy anything I might be a vagabond too . I bought a bottle of water . Sometimes being a foreigner was no fun . In another place I stopped to rest on a bench located against the outside of a building . On the other side of the front door there was another bench . On it four young men were conversing . To the side , beyond them far off in the distance I could see a bright sphere above the trees . I got their attention , and pointing to it , asked them what it was . My manner more than anything else helped them understand what I was saying . They all tried to answer at once . I understood none of them . After what seemed like a long time of my being unable to comprehend , I heard the word " Sputnik " . That was the name of an object reported to be the first one propelled beyond the earth 's atmosphere , returned , and retrieved in one piece . Their side did it , and the shinny sphere out there was a memorial of that event . When it happened I heard much rhetoric about which side was the most technologically advanced . Years later a bunch of Yugoslavians and me were looking at it over the tops of the trees . Everywhere I went it was a common sight to see a line of twenty or thirty people cultivating a large field by hand . Each of them always used the same tool . I bought one in the town of Kocevje the last day I was on the road . There was only one version made so I had no trouble finding it in a store . It was a combination garden hoe and pointed shovel . I also bought a wooden handle to make it complete . On a bench nearby I whittled and sanded to make the two pieces go together . At home when the tip got bent from some sort of misuse I hammered it straight . It was made of very high quality ductile cast iron . When I realized how well made it was , and that it could not be replaced , the Yugoslavia tool , as it became known , was retired . On my way home in Ljubljana the Yugoslavia tool was strapped to a canvas bag on my bicycle . In the big hotel where I started it seemed out of place in the lobby even if it was a familiar sight to anyone living in that country . The manager of the hotel saw it and started talking in Croatian . He pointed to it several times . He never spoke to me , but to the other employees . They momentarily looked up , and quickly went back to what they were doing . Along the sides of country roads I saw old people mowing the grass with scythes . Their bodies turned slowly back and forth as the long blade cut effortlessly through the long grass . A sweeping sound was the only sound . None of them were in a rush . They had done this many times before and would do it many times again . It was always the same . There might be ten of them altogether . Some would be standing where the grass was cut , holding their scythe upside - down , moving a sharpening stone across the blade in just the right way . A man was sawing a log into boards in front of his house . I stopped on the road to watch . The log moved automatically back and forth , and each time another board was cut . A noisy gasoline engine powered the saw . After a long while he signaled for me to have a beer with him . He did that by waving his arm , and then tipping his head back , holding an imaginary bottle of beer bottom up . I replied by making a pedaling motion with my hands and pointing down the road . He acknowledged that he understood , and continued busily tending the saw . I was fascinated by how such a small saw , crude as it seemed , could do so much . Maybe he figured I stopped to see it work , and that was why he offered me a beer . Space age reflective cloth was attached to the bicycle bags . I was wearing synthetic fiber space age clothes . It was a pity I couldn 't go see his sawmill up close . He didn 't seem like a nut case , but under the circumstances I didn 't go in there . Along the coast between Novigrad and Rijeka there was a line of mountains that went behind the villages and the highway . Out in the water there were three islands that extended practically that whole distance . They were named Pag , Rab , and Kirk . For several days I went from one island to the mainland then to the next island . While the ferry was unloading and loading on the mainland I was on the upper deck looking at the sky , the land , and the water . One piece of human fecal matter was floating beside the ferry . The water was flat calm . On the deck below a crewman came out a door . I looked at him and he at me . He went to the side looking at what I saw in the water . Then he went away grinning at me and to himself . Going from the island of Pag toward Karlobag on the mainland I could see it was green where the ground was flat , but where the mountains began there was no evidence of there being a single speck of soil up there . On the upper deck of the ferry I asked someone standing beside me why that was ? The barren appearance of those mountains was common around there , but I had never seen such a sight . I hoped to understand just enough of his words to get the answer . I was surprised when he responded in perfect English , " Phoenicians came here and took the wood . " I leaned on the rail , and looked at the mountains . I remembered learning that long ago Phoenician sailing ships dominated the Adriatic Sea . When I turned around to ask him when that was , he was going down metal stairs to the deck below where all the cars were . On the mainland a group of people from France did a play in French . The audience of a hundred people sat on folding chairs . I was one of them . The other people understood what the actors said and laughed often . I suppose it was a good play . Afterward , outside , on a rock wall I sat talking with a Frenchman who came with the others . He knew a small amount of English . Neither of us really knew who the other person was , and for some unknown reason we talked about international spies . When the conversation ground to a halt we each got up . I went to get another beer , and I saw him no more . Unlike the interior of the country , on the islands there were many people who spoke English , and they weren 't necessarily from English speaking countries . There were " car camps " where people on vacation lived in trailers or vans equipped with beds and running water . They went to sandy beaches during the day . I met a group of young Germans who said they were all going to a dance club that night . They invited me to go with them . It was like the places at home with loud amplified music . The lights were turned down low . It got crowded . I was having a fine time hopping down the bunny trail . In the late hours of the night I went to get another beer . Four huge Yugoslavian males stood shoulder to shoulder in front of me . I would guess they had been there several decades . It was rather obvious I wanted to get through . When I came up to where they were they turned around in unison like the Rockets and deliberately blocked my path . An altercation with local people wasn 't my idea of a good time . I stood there looking at the backs of those four monsters , amazed at their size . I did an end run around all of them without exchanging words or stating a purpose . Afterward , I didn 't want to admit to myself there was some hostility in the room directed toward me . Somehow it was not the same from then on , and soon I left . Double doors were opened , and outside there was an empty terrace . The only light on the terrace came from the room where everyone was . A low wall bordered the terrace . I went to the far side and sat on the wall . A manager type walked a few feet beyond the doors and looked back and forth like he was checking on something . He saw me , but didn 't look at me . He went back inside . Those four people and the night put me in a defensive mode where all the little men inside me were running to their battle stations . After a few more moments when no one else came outside I spun over the wall and slipped into the night . When I got off the ferryboat on one island I saw a lone sheep standing on a rock the size of a table . By all standards it was a very odd sight . All the cars had gone ahead of me . The land was semi - arid . There were rocks like that one everywhere like it was a crop . From the ferry landing the road went straight between two low hills , and then it curved around the next hill . I was almost to the turn when I saw this animal standing motionless facing in my direction . It was a stones throw away from the road . I stopped to make sure it was real . Why hadn 't anyone seen it ? Maybe they did and the thought of touching it or getting involved with it would be too much disruption for them . It didn 't show any sign of distress . I looked back in the direction of the ferry thinking help would come from there . It was far away and if I went back , even if I was able to explain help was needed , even then , they would not leave what they were doing to help a dumb animal . I pedaled away perplexed as to how that sheep got there . It couldn 't have got up on that rock by itself . Did a misguided shepherd put it there ? It would slowly die in the hot sun . Was the animal diseased ? Why wouldn 't the shepherd kill it quickly ? Why put it up on that rock ? The whole thing was strange . Five minutes later the road got flat , and I was moving along at a good pace . Up ahead , close to the road a woman was standing amid a small number of sheep . I stopped to tell her about the one sheep . She didn 't speak English . After putting my arms in the shape of a boat bow , and braying like a sheep I think she understood the basic what , where , and when of what I was trying to say . She said the word " Ka - put ? " I understood that to mean " dead " in German . I shook my head no and said the word , " no " . I then proceeded down the road . Did she understand me correctly ? It probably wasn 't her sheep . She had no transportation that I could see . The whole thing about that sheep was strange . Going away from the coast toward Ljubljana I pedaled uphill for more than half a day . Before that a strong wind blew without letup . The rushing noise was the only sound I could hear . I asked someone how long it would last thinking they listened to the most recent weather report . He answered , a few more weeks . He said two mighty gods caused the wind . The story was legendary . It had been the explanation for centuries . The truth of the matter was not a concern to him . The sprockets on the crank , and the cluster of sprockets on the rear wheel did not come with the bicycle . Before I left Cincinnati I installed new ones that provided lower gears . Lower gears meant easier pedaling . A small third sprocket up front was the most noticeable change . It was developed for the off road " mountain bike " . It was so low a gear that when pedaling fast , the bicycle would move slower than a person could walk . I named it the " wimp gear " . I was in that gear the whole time I went up that mountain . The road went back and forth , but it was still steep . It was like none other I traveled . A few cars went past . One of them stopped a short distance ahead of me . It was a tiny European car with an equally small utility trailer . I remembered seeing that rig at the bottom of the mountain when I got water . This time the driver came around a curve in the road , passed me , and jammed on the breaks . I didn 't like the idea of getting a ride from a stranger on a lonely mountain road , but I could use the ride . When I got near to where the little car was it left . The whole time he was stopped he was looking back over the seat . All that time I kept pedaling the same speed without making any acknowledgment of his presence . I should have made some salutation of some kind . On a busy road away from the coast trucks were rolling back and forth . In the middle of the afternoon I stopped at a restaurant beside the busy road and ordered a bottle of water from the waiter . Direct sunlight came through high glass windows and covered the table where I was . In the main area there were no windows . In there six truck drivers in one booth were the only ones in the room . Their trucks were parked outside . I could not see them , but they could see my table . On it was a large greenish colored glass bottle of water and a drinking glass . There was no mistaking bottled water for something else . It was the same everywhere . They weren 't near where I was , but because we were the only ones there , when one of them spoke loudly the words " Engliski " and " pevo " . I figured they were saying something to or about the only other person there , me . They were like American cowboys in a television drama about cowboys . I 'd get off a stagecoach from the East Coast wearing an English suit . I walk into the Dodge House Saloon holding my round felt hat , sashay up to the bar , and order a sarsaparilla . All the men laugh but not Miss Kitty . When I got up to leave I went inside where they were . There was a question on a few faces . They didn 't expect I would come back to where they were . I pushed my stomach out and patted it with both hands . I said , " molto pevo , molto pevo , m - o - l - t - o pevo . " Pevo was the word for beer in Croatian . Molto meant " many " in Italian . Then I made the pedaling motion with my hands , and pointed straight ahead . That was an explicit way to say I was on a bicycle . Again , I said the word " pevo " while putting my two palms together , and holding them against my cheek like I was sleeping . They seemed to understand . I was one of the boys . Without further words I left . About ten minutes later down the road one of the trucks passed me . The driver honked his horn twice and looked out the back window . He waved at me as he passed . I had a room in the big hotel the day before the plane left Lubinana . The people there saved the bicycle box I brought with me . Late that afternoon I packed the bicycle and other things . Earlier that day I rode around streets in Ljubljana . An art gallery with field stone stairs had a piece of driftwood for sale . An ice cream parlor where people were standing beside high , small , round tables had an announcement on the wall that seemed to name the time and place of some artful event . A young woman with short dark hair , wearing black silk pajamas , who probably didn 't speak a word of English , leaned on one of the tables . One of her arms was lying flat on the table , and the other was holding up a melting ice cream cone . The elbow of that arm was on the table . She turned her head sideways to lick the drips around the edge . That night I walked to a movie house and saw an American movie with Croatian words on the screen . The movie was in English . Not to need to read the words and understand what was happening was an odd feeling . The movie was about an America who left his home in America . The last words are he is going home to America . In the movie a coal miner says to him after being pushed from the path of a runaway coal car , " Who you trying to save ? " And in another place the American says , " It is easy to be a holy man on a mountain top . " And in still another , " I got another chance at life . I don 't want to waste it on a big house , and a new car every year , and a bunch of friends who want a big house and a new car every year . " In New York the taxi driver was looking for the terminal of the airline that would take me back to Cincinnati . He zoomed around the circle and at one point rolled down the front passenger window and yelled to someone , who was working a short distance away , " Where is TWA domestic ? " The person responded with some direction and , again away we zoomed . If the taxi driver asked for directions like that in Yugoslavia he would probably be ignored . Every encounter began with some sort of expression indicating personal regard . To speak so directly would be thought of as rude . The first day at home I tugged on Jenny 's bathrobe in a direction that led into a room where I had lit more than the usual number of candles . We both sat down close to each other on a small sofa . I was half facing her on the edge of the seat . Within reach on a low oval table were two wineglasses and a bottle of wine . I took a gulp , and she did too . She was sitting back on the sofa . I leaned toward her and kissed her lips . Our lips were the only parts that touched . One of my hands was on the arm of the sofa and the other hand was on the other side . I carefully pushed the table further away and got down on my knees between her knees . Again , I kissed her the same way . Both of us tried to get more out of that kiss than any other one . I told her to slide down further in the couch and put her arms over her head . I untied her robe and opened it to each side . I pulled her down further by her bent knees . Her legs held up that part of her that was off the sofa . I held her head between my hands , and kissed her many times . I began moving my mouth and tongue over her breasts , and at the center of them . She was warm , but the warmest place of all was between her legs . I sat cross - legged on the rug , put both my hands on her rump , one on each side , and lifted her up . I moved my tongue where it caused the most excitement . We stopped , sat up , and took more gulps of that wine . She asked me if I was going to take my clothes off . I stood up and kicked off my shoes . I popped a few buttons on my shirt . It took me a few seconds to get naked . When I sat back down her robe was on the floor . I said my favorite point of view was to see her beautiful heart shaped bottom in the air . To accomplish that I told her to turn around , put her knees on the sofa eight to twelve inches apart , fold her arms on the back of the sofa , rest her head sideways on them , and arch her back . I leaned over and kissed her everywhere including the hot place . A short while later we both got on the floor . Her back was on the rug and I was on top of her . We moved with © Copyright 2016 - Veeders Mailbox

A couple months ago , I saw an advertisement for the Oregon Humane Society 's Portland 's Next Top Dog Model Contest . I had just gotten some amazing pictures of Asha from our friend Victoria and so I thought it would be fun to enter Asha into the contest . The application was very short , just a couple questions about what Asha thinks a dog 's life should be about , her personal style and why she should be the next top dog . When we adopted Asha we decided that we would give her as many experiences as possible . I always thought that the more she experienced , the more she would have to think about when she was alone . And since she can 't see or hear , she has lots of time alone with her thoughts ! ! We also wanted to take every opportunity to show people that just because she is blind and deaf does not mean she cannot have a fabulous life . Last week , out of hundreds of applications , Asha was chosen as one of the 12 finalist in the big dog category . This meant that we got to attend the Grand Finale last night at the Hotel Monaco in downtown Portland . I really didn 't know what was involved in that . When I entered Asha , I guess I didn 't pay much attention to how the finals would go . Turns out , Asha was going to have to walk the runway ( two times ! ) in front of the judges and a packed ball room full of people . The first walk of the runway was just a normal walk , the second was to show personality and the dogs were instructed to do tricks or dress up . Uh . . . . . Asha knows sit and lay down . Those are her tricks . I started to get kind of nervous . Actually I was VERY nervous , all those people looking at us , judging us . Oh no . . . . . On Tuesday , our trainer Jamie , came to the house and we talked about different tricks we could do . We decided we would teach Asha to bow , its similiar to lay down , only she just puts her front paws on the floor . We worked on that Tuesday morning and Asha was having a hard time distinguishing between bow and lay down . We had two days to work on it , so we practiced it several times a day . Asha learned quickly and by Thursday was getting the bow 9 out of 10 times . I wasn 't sure how she would do it in public , so we practiced it at Petsmart and she seemed to have it down . Asha got a new pink harness and a nice grey collar and leash to match . Wednesday I gave her a bath , then she got dirty and so she got another bath on Thursday . We invited all our friends and family to come cheer her on . We also invited all of Asha 's medical team and her foster dad . We had about 15 - 20 people planning to come watch Asha compete in the finals . I really didn 't know how Asha was going to do with all this . We would be in a hotel , with hundreds of people , lots of dogs , lights , cameras and very different energy than she has ever experienced . I was nervous because I wanted her to do well and I also wanted her to be comfortable and have fun . We drove downtown last night and found a parking spot right in front of the hotel . Luckily , we only had to walk a block because Asha was in smell overload and it took forever to get to the hotel ! Once there , we were given our finalist badges and told to head to the 2nd floor where the ballroom was . There were also two hotel rooms set aside for the big dogs . Asha took her first elevator ride and was completely unfazed by it . We got off the elevator and that 's when the mayhem began . There were so many people , so many dogs ! We made our way down the hall to the room and said hello to a couple of the other big dog finalists . We met Alex , a pit bull / heeler mix , Grace , a 7 month old great dane and Diego , a shepherd mix . The funny thing is that NONE of us really knew what the heck we were supposed to be doing and I could tell everyone was a bit nervous about the walk down the runway . I took Asha back towards the ballroom so we could get the lay of the land and say hi to everyone . There were many staff members and volunteers from the Humane Society and LexiDog ( the Pet Boutique that put on the event ) and many of them stopped us to say how much they loved our story . Asha was happy to meet everyone , just like always . She loves people ! We were standing in the ballroom and a woman in veterinary scrubs with an Oregon Humane Society patch on them walked over and said to me " Is this Pinky ? " . Pinky was Asha 's name when we adopted her . I said " Yes " . The woman immediately started to cry . She told me that she worked in the vet at the Humane Society and had treated Asha when she first arrived . She remembers Asha being about 10 pounds . She was 8 weeks old then and had lots of ear issues . The woman 's name was Shannon , she didn 't say much because she was crying the entire time we were there with her , but it was obvious that she had some connection with Asha and was overwhelmed to see her again . It made me cry too and it was one of the best moments of my life . I was so proud of the life Asha is living . I can imagine that when a blind and deaf puppy showed up at the Humane Society , after all her brother 's and sister 's were drowned for being blind and deaf , they were wondering how she would ever survive . But she has and I was so glad that those who are responsible for her being alive were able to see how her story has been written . There were posters all over the wall with the pictures of each dog and their entry form . Word seemed to spread about Asha and everyone wanted to meet her . Asha didn 't notice the increased attention , she was busy walking to the end of every hallway . The 2nd floor was a big square and she just kept walking . I finally realized that she was mapping the place . She would walk to the end of the hall and touch the wall with her nose , then turn around and head back to the other end of the hallway , often being stopped to meet someone new and to allow me to tell her story . Then the people we know started showing up . Trevor 's parents were there , so were his brother Ty and his family , our friends Trish and Bill , Carla , Victoria and Carla 's Sister . Asha 's foster dad was there , so was Dr Hope Valentine and her partner ( our Chinese Medicine people ) and Dr Pachel , Asha 's behaviorist . Asha went NUTS when she realized each of these people were there . At one point , she was saying hi to Trevor 's dad and Carla and Victoria came over . I thought Asha 's head was going to explode . She rolled onto her back and started to cry , then got up and jumped up to hug each one of them . She loves her people . We met some new friends at a meet up last week for a group called Deaf Dogs of Oregon . We invited those friends and one couple brought their deaf dog Emily . I felt really loved and supported , realizing that we are not alone and that Asha is adored by so many people . I also really felt nervous about what was yet to come . Not only did we have to walk the runway , but now there were people we knew watching us ! ! ! I didn 't want to let them down . All the finalists were told to go line up in the hallway behind the ballroom . 24 dogs , 12 small and 12 big , all got into a line with their owners . It was the craziest thing . There was no barking , no pooping ( yet ) , not fighting . There was just peace and quite . It was about 1000 degrees back there and all of the pet moms and dad were nervous . We couldn 't see or hear what was going on in the ballroom , so each time someone came back from their turn in front of the judges we all wanted to know how it went , what happened ? what do we do ? We were all joking that next year we 'll just make a donation and stay home . I was exhausted and overwhelmed from all the energy , but Asha was as calm as ever . She took every opportunity to lean against a new friend , another dog mom or dad , then she would come lay by me . Sometimes she 'd get up and just wander around . Finally , it was our turn . We stood at the door waiting to be called , I could see all our friends and family out there . Trevor did a great job of being a host to those who had come to support us . I saw him standing in the back with Davis , Asha 's foster dad ( I love that guy ) . The MC , Andy Carson from Fox News , wasn 't sure how to pronounce Asha 's name . He said " is it A shu ? " and the crowed yelled out " AAAAAAAAshaaaaa " . It was so cool ! ! ! The crowd cheered and we walked into the room . Asha went up the two steps to the runway without a problem . While we were walking , they read our entry that talked about Asha being blind , deaf and epileptic . The crowd ooohed and aahhed . Asha walked across the stage , out towards the audience and sat on command . Such a good girl . After Andy was done reading our entry , one of the judges started to comment that Asha 's mom needed a round of applause for taking on such a special needs animal . I liked that she did that , I wanted to cry when she said that I had done an amazing job with her , because I was watching my crazy girl walk the runway like a pro . Now we had a break . For about half an hour . I wanted a nap , Asha wanted to walk . Now that the crowd knew some of Asha 's story , we were overwhelmed with people who wanted to talk to us and pet her . And Asha was happy to oblige . I love when we get the chance to tell Asha 's story . There was one guy who we ran into a couple times that kept commenting that Asha was totally going to get the sympathy vote . He meant it as a compliment and every time he said it , I told him that she didn 't want the sympathy vote . Don 't be sad for her , or feel bad for her . That is one thing that I do not want , sympathy . As we walked the halls , just about everyone we ran into commented that Asha was going to win , that Asha should win . I am was SO overwhelmed . Asha again got to see her favorite people . I was worried she was getting tired , but as soon as she would sense one of them around , her energy was overflowing ! During the intermission , the audience was encouraged to cast their vote for the Fan Favorite . Asha and I continued our wanderings and then it was time to line up for the personality walk . They changed the order of our appearance and we were now last . Asha and I stopped and got some water , then made our way to the end of the life . I sat on the floor , Asha layed down and we waited . Some of the other dogs had costumes , some were practicing tricks . Me and Asha , we were just waiting . I was really hoping she would do her trick . It wasn 't much , but it was all we had . Trevor came back after a bit to tell me that there were dog treats all over the stage and the other dogs were getting distracted so be aware . It was almost our time to go out on stage - there were two dogs before us . We were standing in the hall when I turned around and saw Grace , the Great Dane , pooping . Now , there were 24 dogs there for over two hours at this point and only one had pooped . . . . that 's a major success I think . However , now it was just me and Asha in the hallway and it smelled SO bad . Asha and I got into the doorway to the ballroom , I crouched down next to her and said " this is your chance to shine Asha . Its almost our time , I 'll ask you to bow and you just do it the way we practiced " . They called her name and out we went , up onto the stage . Andy read some more things from our application . I was sweating so badly that I couldn 't really pay attention . I got Asha in front of the judges and said " she is going to bow " . The crowd was silent , I touched her on the chest , then her nose - the sign for bow - and after two tries , she did it . The crowd literally went wild ! It was so awesome ! ! ! The judges asked me how long Asha had lived with us and then who was there to cheer for us , I was able to recognize our friends , her foster dad and her doctors . Then we made our way off stage , Dr Valentine was again waiting to greet us , Asha went nuts and it was time for another intermission . I am not cut out to be a stage mom or a pageant queen . This was hard work and I was tired . The judges deliberated pretty quickly while Asha and I hung out in the ballroom . Asha layed on the floor and would get up to greet her fans . Soon it was time to go line up for the announcement of the winners . On the way back there , Asha decided it was a good time to pee . So now the carpet on the 2nd floor had been pooped AND peed on . The night was complete . All the finalists lined the hallway again . I was down at the very end with a beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog named Seamus and our pal Diego . We all sat on the floor and talked about lots of dog stuff . We could hear some commotion in the ballroom , but we were just chatting away . I heard Asha 's name called and so we got up to see what that was all about . Asha had won the Fan Favorite ! That means the audience voted her as the winner ! As I approached the stage , I could hear one of the judges saying that when Asha bowed , that was it for her . It was bitter sweet for me . I wanted her to win the whole thing , but I was so honored that this room full of people , mostly strangers , chose our Asha as their favorite . This little dog who survived , when all her brothers and sisters did not , who was taken in by a shelter staff who had no idea what to do with her , who was kept safe by an amazing foster dad , who was adopted and then returned only to be adopted again by us , who has struggled for the last year to get on steady ground emotionally and behaviorally . This little dog who kept us awake so many nights , who took every ounce of peace from our lives , who challenged my ability to have hope for the future and who made me question every thing I ever thought I understood about myself . This little dog , sat up on that stage while 200 people cheered for her . I have to believe that even though she couldn 't see it or hear it , she could feel the love in that room for her . I know I did and it touched me like nothing else ever has . 7 months ago , I sat on the floor in our front room while Asha ran and barked out of control . I was at my wits end , pathetic and scared . I sobbed , I was broken , hopeless and alone . I said out loud to Asha what I had been feeling for weeks " I regret ever adopting you " . There was no doubt that I loved her . We would never give her up and I had no idea how we would survive with her . It was shortly after that , we started to get help from our vast array of medical professionals - traditional and not . I look back at that desperate situation and find it hard to believe we have come so far . The idea that we could be where we are now , was impossible to imagine back then . She is a different dog , much more calm , relaxed and settled . She 's found her footing . I look at Asha now and I know that she is my soul , living outside my body and we are so very lucky that she is ours . We found Trevor and watched as the other amazing dogs were awarded their Top Dog honors . Moby , a crazy poodle won the big dogs and Dexter , who was adopted at this event last year , won the small dogs . The crowd cleared out and Asha made her way over to Dr Pachel , Dr Valentine and Josephine . We laughed about how far we have come and my difficulty with gauging how much medicine Asha has left ( I am constantly emailing the Dr 's with subject lines that say " URGENT need medicine refill " - because I don 't plan very well ) . We thanked them for coming , hugged them and Dr Pachel said " I had to come support our team " . That really says it all . Asha has a team . That team is with us every step of the way and we are so fortunate to live in a place where we have access to such a team . And they sure do love our girl . Asha slept the entire way home . Once home , it was back to normal . . . Maggie and Buster did not care one bit that Asha was Fan Favorite . In our house , they are all fan favorite . . . we are their biggest fans . . . every single one of them . Its been over a year since I ran my last marathon and I was feeling withdrawls ! I am so glad we had the chance to run this one , in our hometown . The worst part of marathons is the traveling and / or early morning wake up calls to get to the start line . With a 7 am start time , we didn 't have to get up that much earlier and I was so grateful for that ! The day before the marathon was unusually hot and that concerned me . We haven 't been training in the heat and I know that high temperatures and humidity can make for a long day . The days before I drank a couple Hammer Fizz tablets and hoped for the best . We followed all of our pre marathon rituals . I had sushi from Whole Foods for lunch on Saturday and Outback Steakhouse for dinner that night . I laid out all my running gear the night before , got the car packed with our water , our recovery drinks and our after marathon clothes . I wasn 't really nervous , this was marathon 9 for me and two years ago , when we did three marathons in 52 days , that killed my nerves over marathons . I would say I was apprehensive . Last year I had a huge personal best at the Eugene Marathon . Remember THIS ? Now that I am a 4 hour marathoner , I didn 't want to go back to being a 5 hour marathoner . There is nothing wrong with taking 5 hours or more to run 26 . 2 miles , I just wanted to stick with my most recent time and I was pretty sure that my training did not support that . We are good friends with Brian , the race director , and he always takes really good care of us . We were really early and figured we would wander around and then come back and drop our stuff at the car . We ran into our friend Angie - who was one of the lead bikers . Always good to see her . I was excited about this race because I knew we would know everyone . Alot of our customers are runners , our friends are runners . . . we hang out with runners most of the time and this marathon is our hometown run , so there were all kinds of familiar faces there . We wandered around and said hi to everyone , got our picture taken with one of our training groups and then headed back to the car to drop off our stuff . As with most events , before I knew it , it was 5 minutes to race time . We hustled to the start line . Trevor was going to start with the 3 : 40 pacer and I was going to start with the 4 : 20 pacer . We kissed goodbye and got to our places . Talk by the Mayor , playing of the National Anthem ( that gets me every time ) , final countdown and off we went . My plan was to stick with the 4 : 20 pacer and / or stay under 10 minute miles . After about two miles , I was pretty sure the 4 : 20 pacer was going too fast and I knew I couldn 't maintain a 9 : 15 minute mile . Plus she was wearing a tutu and I was getting sick to my stomach from staring at it ! Not because of how it looked but because the hot pink color was too much for my eyes ! ! We headed out towards Frenchman 's Bar . A 7 mile flat , open stretch out and then 7 miles back to town . About mile 3 , I saw a familiar face - our customer and friend , JR was there cheering us on with a cowbell . What a great surprise ! ! ! Around mile 5 , the leader was coming back the other way , he looked so fast . Around mile 6 , I saw our friend Koby , I ran across the street and high fived her . Right behind her , I saw Trevor so I stayed over there to high five him . I love races with the out and back , it gives me chance to see Trevor even though we run different paces . I got to the mile 7 aid station , filled my water and used the restroom . I started back to town . The sun was out and it was getting hot . I was starting to worry a bit about the heat and how that would affect my day . I had already drank two full waters . My plan was to use an electrolyte tab around mile 12 . Around mile 11 my water was empty and I hated that . 3 bottles of water down before mile 13 . Not good . Once that thought enters your mind , its hard to get it out . My friend Krista had said to think of her at mile 10 and so I did . We got back into town around mile 13 . The half marathon had started at 9 am and we merged with them at this point . My timing was such that I merged into the slowest of walkers . I spent about two miles weaving in and out of them . They were all having so much fun , I considered just walking the rest of the damn thing with them . But I didn 't . . . . yet . I really wanted to run to mile 20 , but around mile 13 my legs has started to cramp and that muscle in my stomach was starting to talk to me . Mile 17 came and that was all I had . You race the way you train and in my long training runs I fell apart at mile 17 . . . and so that 's what I did in the race . I started to walk . Over the next 3 miles , my legs cramped so badly that I actually wondered if I was going to finish . he I kept moving , I would run a little , walk a little . I tried to find landmarks - like I would run for three lightposts and then walk one . I did that for a while , got up the hill at mile 19 . 5 . The railroad tracks were around mile 20 . 5 . I didn 't want to get stopped by the train - last year , there was a 17 minute delay due to a train . I didn 't care so much about the time , but I knew my legs would seize up if I stopped for that long . I kept thinking that I needed to run until I got to the railroad tracks . I didn 't want to get stopped by the train and wish I hadn 't walked . It was a great plan until I came to the top of a rise and realized how far I had to go to reach the tracks and so I walked . As I headed down the hill towards the railroad crossing , I heard the whistle . F * ck , I said . Three times to be exact , as the gates came down and we all had to stop . I looked at my watch , filled my water and wandered around to see who I knew ! 4 minutes later we were on our way again . Mile 21 - 5 miles left . Looking at my watch , I was at 3 hours and 55 minutes . I had originally hoped to finish in 4 : 20 , then figured 4 : 30 would be okay , then 4 : 45 would do , now I just wanted to break 5 hours . I knew I could go 5 miles in an hour , but I had to keep moving . My walk / run intervals continued . Everyone was walking some - the heat was really getting to just about everyone . From my chest down was one big constant cramp . I wasn 't miserable and I wasn 't asking myself why ? I kept telling myself " this is just what we do " . A mile at a time , I kept moving . Around mile 24 , I saw Brian , the race director , delivering some Jamba Juices to the volunteers , as I passed him , I said " You and your stupid marathon " . . . only I used a different word instead of stupid . He said " ha ha ! Want a Jamba Juice " Normally , no I don 't want a Jamba Juice , but I could have tackeled him and drank every last one . I knew there would be some at the finish if I could just keep moving . I ran along the river and enjoyed the view - last year , this part of the course was flooded . I approached the land bridge - EVERYONE was walking . I knew my friend Angie would probably be on at the top of this little hill and I did not want her to see my walking , so I ran . There she was , cheering us on . Once I passed her and was out of her site . . . I walked again . I knew the mile 25 sign could not be far away . Once there , I really would be almost done . I saw and passed mile 25 , came around the corner off the trail and there was Doug . He had his camera and again , I was not going to let him see me walk , much less capture it on film ! ! I passed him and walked again ! Up a little hill , we had our last water station coming up . I decided that once I got there , I would run to the finish . It should be about 3 / 4 of a mile and once I covered that distance , I would be done . I got to the water station , turned left and started to run . My body was so unhappy , but I knew it was almost over . I made the final turns and headed into the finishers chute - it was about 1 / 4 of a mile . I remember watching people here last year and being so jealous . I soaked it up - the streets were lined with spectators . This last little bit of every race really is the best . No matter what has happened over the last 26 miles , no matter what deals I have made with myself , no matter the amount of questioning my sanity that has happened , in these few moments , I am at peace and I understand why . You can 't get this feeling any other way . I made the last turn and was at the finish . Bart Yasso said my name and said " she 's from Vancouver , these are her streets ! " . I saw Evan Pilchik , taking photos . He lowered his camera , told me good job and high fived me . That is one of my favorite parts of any race . I also high fived Bart and crossed the finish line . Done . I wandered until I found my friends and then Trevor . My body hurt . I sat in an ice bath for a bit , layed on the grass and didn 't want to get up . Finally , I did . I had my Jamba Juice and it tasted great . Then we made our way towards the car and headed for home . Number 9 , done . What 's next ? ? ? Only time will tell . Asha has been doing so great . We started her on Chinese herbs about 6 weeks ago . Between those and her food changes due to food therapy ( read about that here ) , we have really noticed a difference in her behavior . Two weeks ago , we ran out of Shen Calmer , one of Asha 's herbs . The vet was out of them and so we had to wait about a week for them to come in . Over that week , Asha was the best she had ever been - she slept all night , multiple nights in a row . So when the email came that the herbs were in , I asked " does she really still need them ? She 's doing so great without them now " . And so I didn 't go pick up the herbs , I figured we would wait and see . I know better . I should know better . If someone comes into our store with joint pain and starts taking a supplement to help , when they start seeing a result , the last thing they should do is stop . But we stopped . Over the 2nd week without the herbs , Asha got worse and worse . She started waking up once a night around 1 am , now she 's up twice a night around 1 and then again at 3 . The other night , it occurred to me . . . . we stopped giving her that herb . Over the last week , we have also had some issues with Maggie . She had been doing so great for so long , then we changed her food , we changed some of our routine and just like in the past , that 's just too much for her and she has been snapping . We 've started separating her from the others at certain times a day . I emailed our food therapist ( who works with our accupuncture / Chinese Medicine vet ) about the situation and she suggested I bring Maggie down to see the Dr . I decided to take both Maggie and Asha for a visit to see what we could do to get back on track . Yesterday , I took all three dogs to see Dr Hope Valentine at Balanced Pets NW in Portland . Trevor was working , so I had all three dogs with me . They are quite a handful and I always feel like the crazy dog lady when I have them all by myself ! We survived the drive downtown . Actually , they are great in the car . I circled the block for about 15 minutes until I found a place to park and then I started the walk around the corner to the clinic . I am always so amazed at how people approach dogs they don 't know . I am walking along ( we 'll call it walking , but I was really being pulled ) Buster and Maggie are in front smelling everything and Asha is dragging behind smelling everything . People walk buy and put their hands out to my dogs . Now , they aren 't going to get bitten by these three , but here 's a tip for you - if you see someone walking three dogs and they look like they are trying to keep it together , don 't confuse the situation . Please . This is not a good picture of me , but I love how Asha is looking over my shoulder . We arrived safely at our destination and I let the dogs loose . Its a new space and as Dr Valentine was showing me around , the dogs were investigating too . Asha is so funny , they have these little trash cans that she loves . They are the automatic ones , where it has a sensor and opens . I found her several times , in different rooms , with her head in the garbage because it would open when it sensed her . After everyone got settled and we had the tour , we went upstairs to the conference room , that was more like a living room with a couch and chair . I sat on the couch , Maggie sat next to me while Buster and Asha investigated . We went over all our concerns and of course decided to continue Asha on her herbs . Dr Valentine said that she was actually glad we had stopped giving them to Asha because now we know that they were working . We also decided that Maggie would start on some herbs . Asha was going to get some accupuncture to help things along and Maggie would too if we thought she would allow it . As we were talking , Maggie got up and went over to sit by Dr Valentine . That 's so unlike Maggie and the Dr said that Maggie was giving her permission so she started putting in the needles . Sweet Maggie , she seemed confused , but not really bothered by it . Then Asha got some needles . She always growls and barks and bites , all the while wagging her tail like its a game to her . The effects of the needles hit her so hard . After she fights it , she eventually just collapses into a heap and sleeps . Yesterday , she climbed up onto the couch and zonked out for about 30 minutes . Buster was on high alert while the needles were being put in both of his sisters . While they were brewing , he took a nap . Buster is the anchor . We finished up and headed for home . The walk to the car was much different than the walk there . Everyone was tired and pretty well behaved . We got in the car and all three slept the whole way home . I really look forward to seeing continued progress in our babies from these treatments . For anyone who doubts " alternative care " , our pets are living proof that it works and we are so fortunate to have found such great practitioners who really do love our pets . Saturday night , Trevor had the third fight of his career . The first was in March of 2009 . Click HERE to read the recap from that . The second was in December of 2010 . Click HERE to read the recap from that . As you can see , there is quite a gap between fights . Trevor and I do so many different things and most of them we do together . Fighting is something he does pretty much on his own , so the times he has committed to it have been few and far between . Every fight , every situation has been different . The goals for each fight have been different as well as where we are at in our lives and what these things mean to us . Trevor 's first fight was really just about doing it . Stepping into the ring that first time was a huge accomplishment in and of itself . The second fight was about not letting too much time pass before he fought again - we had just completed an Ironman triathlon and that had consumed us for the year leading up to the second fight . This third fight was a mixture of not wanting too much time to pass , just doing it and doing it better than before . For over a year , Trevor struggled with finding the right time and place to train . For years , he had trained in Lake Oswego with our close friends and his Sifu , Chris . Our current situation does not allow for that . Between the businesses ( both stores , our triathlon training business , our marathon coaching , the list goes on and on ) , our pets ( especially a certain someone who can 't see or hear ) and our attempt to have any sort of married life , our time for other things is extremely limited . Our lives are booked from 9 am to 9 pm . Adding something new is almost impossible . And making a two hour round trip to Lake Oswego was just not in the cards anymore . Trevor searched for months to find a place where he could train that would not only fit his schedule but provide the right kind of coaching . Fighting isn 't like running a marathon . You can finish a marathon without really training . You can 't fight without really training . Well , I guess you could but that would just be stupid . There were a couple times that Trevor found a place that had gym time in the mornings . We could adjust our schedule and get him there but once he was there , it always ended in disappointment . It was never what he was looking for . I think he was just about to give up hope of finding the right fit . Then , we had a customer come into the store who belongs to a local MMA gym . He was telling Trevor about a coach at the gym who was wanting some products and suggested that maybe he could work a trade with Trevor . Trevor was hopeful that it could work out , but he was also skeptical . He went to train with Jack and figured he would see how it worked before he really committed to anything . He came home after the first session and said that Jack was his guy . And so it began . I knew Trevor wanted to fight again and it wasn 't long until a date was set . He told me he was going to fight at 170 . At that time , he weighed around 195 . Its funny because I didn 't really think anything of that . Looking back now , its seems hard to believe that a 6 foot 4 man who has always weighed close to 200 and most of his life weighed considerably more than 200 , would be able to make it to 170 . But I know my husband and I know that if he decides to do something then its done . He put together his meal plan and emailed it to me . I do all the shopping and cook all the food . I just needed to know what to buy and how to package it for him . I knew he would do the eating ! This meant no more pizza on Saturday night , ice cream on Sunday , trail mix anytime during the week . That was tough for me . I wasn 't wanting to cut weight and Trevor 's restricted diet was probably more of a challenge for me than it was for him . If I wanted any treats , I had to get them on my own and eat them when Trevor wasn 't around . What fun is that ? Trevor had mapped out the plan for what he needed to weigh each Friday morning . For 9 weeks , he was dead on . He had calculated how many calories he needed each day and what his deficit needed to be , then worked in how many calories he needed to burn and didn 't stop until he hit that number . So , you can see , alot went into preparing for this fight . He made weight without issue on Friday - 168 . 8 - he needed to weigh 171 . I will admit that the weight cut on Friday was more stressful for me than the idea of his fight . He weighed 178 on Friday morning and spent the day sweating out the difference . That part was not fun at all . But he did it pretty easily and was really no worse for the wear . After the weigh ins , we went to dinner and he rehydrated . Saturday he ate normal and felt fine come fight time . Ah , fight time . It seems so close , yet so far away . I worked all day , closed the store at 4 : 30 and headed over to the gym where the fights were being held . We had some friends coming to watch and many others waiting for updates via text or facebook . I wasn 't really nervous until I got there . One of the hardest things for me is talking to anyone before the fight . Its hard to put on the brave face and assure everyone else who is feeling nervous that its all going to be okay . They all say " aren 't you nervous ? " . OF COURSE I am nervous . Trevor is the same way - doesn 't want to be talked to while getting ready for the fight and he gets to stay in the back room for the fighters . So I get to answer all the questions for him - everyone wants to know how he feels , how 'd the weight cut go , what do we know about his opponent , is he nervous , who 's his coach ? I appreciate everyone 's interest , I really really do , but its tough to focus on the questions at hand when I really just want to focus on what 's about to happen ! My favorite question to answer is " Is Trevor nervous " . I love that question because I always answer " No " and its the truth . Trevor is the most even tempered , calm person I have ever known . I love that about him - mostly because it is exactly the opposite of how I am . We had front row seats , right behind Trevor 's corner . I sat with our friends Josh and Laura , who are both nurses . That made me feel better , there would be someone there to monitor my vital signs ! Josh reminds me very much of Trevor and I find his presence very calming . Laura is the same way . They are both so cool under pressure and being with them made me feel better . I realized that the hardest thing about Trevor fighting is that I want to watch it and talk about it WITH HIM , but I can 't because he is in the ring . I saw Jack , he came over and hugged me and asked if I was excited . I knew he was and I loved that . The fights started . Trevor was up 4th , so I had to sit through 3 fights . That 's hard . I just want them to be over so it can be our turn . As soon as the first fight started , I realized I was too close to the ring and there was no way I could sit that close and watch Trevor fight . So when his time came , I got up and stood to the side of the ring , behind his corner guys - I was close enough there . Trevor walked into the cage , got to his corner and blew me a kiss . This moment before the fight starts is so hard for me . I am sure my heart rate skyrockets , I sweat ( which is really nothing unusual for me ) . This all disappates a little once the fight starts but I can 't totally relax until its over . We knew that the guy Trevor was fighting was good on the ground so the plan was to keep it standing . The fight started and it wasn 't too long until they were on the ground . Trevor fought hard to stand back up , ground control changed hands a couple times , but for most of the first round , Trevor 's opponent was in control . There were punches to the face and I kept hoping for the banging on the mat to signal 10 seconds in the round . " Hold on Trevor , just hold on " I kept thinking . Finally I heard that 10 second notice and then the bell . Round 1 was over . Trevor made his way to the corner where Jack and his other corner guy took care of him . I was behind him so I couldn 't see his face and I didn 't want to . I knew he was headed into the second round , the reset button had been pushed . Round 2 started , Trevor got in some good punches and leg kicks , worked hard to defend the take down and eventually ended up back on the ground . F * ck . I am pretty sure I said that outloud a couple times . Just like in the first round , Trevor fought him on the ground , tried to get out of his control , worked and worked . He rolled over and eventually got caught in a choke . He said he felt himself passing out , so he tapped . And it was over . Afterwards , the promoter interviewed Trevor before talking to his opponent . Trevor thanked his friends from coming to watch him and named some of them by name . I knew then that he was okay . I met him at the door to the fighters room and he put on a happy face for me . I kissed him and told him I was proud . Actually I think I said " that 's what happens when you go to the ground " . Then I went back to my seat . The next fight was about to start and Jack was heading into the ring with another fighter . He told me Trevor was asking for me . I went back to the room and helped him get his gloves off . I went and got Josh and Laura so they could check him out . We cleaned him up , got him some water and just sat for a while . Its amazing how exhausting five minutes of work can be . Trevor had certainly taken some punches to the face and I knew that was going to hurt for a couple days , but overall , he was in pretty good shape . Since we had Laura and Josh with us , we had our own personal emergency room ! They drove one of our cars home and checked Trevor out . They said he seemed fine and told us what dosage of tylenol and advil to take . We ordered a pizza and settled in for a couple days of healing . You know , someone has to win and someone has to lose . You can 't always come out on top and that is disappointing . You can 't lose if you don 't step in the ring . . . . or can you ? Its easy to sit outside the ring and talk about all the things that should have or could have happened . Its completely another to get in and do it . Trevor is 38 , almost 39 . The majority of the fighters on the card Saturday night were in their early 20s . We aren 't getting any younger , so the time to do these things really is now . We can 't wait anymore . This week has been very low key - there 's been lots of eating , sleeping and relaxing . Training will start again next week . I get asked all the time " will he fight again " . I believe he will and I believe he should . And when he does , I 'll be sitting ringside or standing behind his corner , feeling a strange combination of needing to vomit and being overwhelmed with pride . This is us in May of 2012 in Maui for a friend 's wedding . Lots has changed ( he 's 60 pounds lighter ) , but not Trevor 's fashion sense . Notice how the shirts he is wearing are similar , just different colors . Trevor is consistent , if nothing else ! ! I love him so much . Its a tough question . I can 't imagine that any wife , girlfriend or mother of any fighter really likes watching someone they love step into the ring or octagon . A lot of guys will say " my wife would never let me do that " . That 's not really how it works with us . This is what Trevor does and so I support it . Trevor had his first fight in March of 2009 . Then he fought again in December of 2010 . His third fight will be tonight . These things aren 't just a one day event , there are months of training and preparing that go into it . Training gets more and more intense over time , eating schedules become more and more strict . It affects both of us and all parts of our lives . Its a sacrifice , but most things worthwhile require that . So again , how can I stand to watch . I have really been thinking about that question and have come to this conclusion . . . I can stand to watch because I trust the guys who are responsible for Trevor while he is in the ring . His Sifu ( chinese for teacher ) , Chris , trained Trevor and cornered him for the first two fights . The only thing that kept me from screaming " DON ' T DO IT " as he walked into the ring was knowing that Chris was there with him and would make sure it was all okay . Tonight , his Kru ( Thai for teacher ) , Jack , will be with him . I have known Chris for many years . I just met Jack a couple months ago . About a month ago , Jack suggested that I start coming to train with Trevor one day a week . Trevor does conditioning one day a week and I have been going to that with him . It has really given me a chance to get to know Jack . After getting to know him , I trust him and feel comfortable putting the most important person in my world in his hands . Trevor loves doing this and I can see that . I know how it makes him feel and so I can 't see myself telling him not to do it . I get incredibly nervous , just like I do for all the other things we do ( marathons , triathlons , etc ) . The main difference is that once the gun sounds at a triathlon , all my nervousness goes away . That 's not the case when it comes to Trevor fighting . I can 't get my breath until he is out of the cage and into my embrace . He has put so much time , effort and committment into this and I am so very proud of that . When I met Trevor , he weighed 240 pounds . Tonight , he is fighting in the 170 pound weight class . Last night he weighed in at 168 . 8 pounds . Its insane . I know he 's excited for tonight and so I am too . I 'll feel better when its over , he probably will too ! The other night he emailed me a list of all the things he wants to eat after the fight and all day tomorrow . Now THAT is something I can look forward to ! ! !

The beginning of these perplexing things was in the summer ; and each time Ona would promise him with terror in her voice that it would not happen again - but in vain . Each crisis would leave Jurgis more and more frightened , more disposed to distrust Elzbieta 's consolations , and to believe that there was some terrible thing about all this that he was not allowed to know . Once or twice in these outbreaks he caught Ona 's eye , and it seemed to him like the eye of a hunted animal ; there were broken phrases of anguish and despair now and then , amid her frantic weeping . It was only because he was so numb and beaten himself that Jurgis did not worry more about this . But he never thought of it , except when he was dragged to it - he lived like a dumb beast of burden , knowing only the moment in which he was . The winter was coming on again , more menacing and cruel than ever . It was October , and the holiday rush had begun . It was necessary for the packing machines to grind till late at night to provide food that would be eaten at Christmas breakfasts ; and Marija and Elzbieta and Ona , as part of the machine , began working fifteen or sixteen hours a day . There was no choice about this - whatever work there was to be done they had to do , if they wished to keep their places ; besides that , it added another pittance to their incomes . So they staggered on with the awful load . They would start work every morning at seven , and eat their dinners at noon , and then work until ten or eleven at night without another mouthful of food . Jurgis wanted to wait for them , to help them home at night , but they would not think of this ; the fertilizer mill was not running overtime , and there was no place for him to wait save in a saloon . Each would stagger out into the darkness , and make her way to the corner , where they met ; or if the others had already gone , would get into a car , and begin a painful struggle to keep awake . When they got home they were always too tired either to eat or to undress ; they would crawl into bed with their shoes on , and lie like logs . If they should fail , they would certainly be lost ; if they held out , they might have enough coal for the winter . A day or two before Thanksgiving Day there came a snowstorm . It began in the afternoon , and by evening two inches had fallen . Jurgis tried to wait for the women , but went into a saloon to get warm , and took two drinks , and came out and ran home to escape from the demon ; there he lay down to wait for them , and instantly fell asleep . When he opened his eyes again he was in the midst of a nightmare , and found Elzbieta shaking him and crying out . At first he could not realize what she was saying - Ona had not come home . What time was it , he asked . It was morning - time to be up . Ona had not been home that night ! And it was bitter cold , and a foot of snow on the ground . Jurgis sat up with a start . Marija was crying with fright and the children were wailing in sympathy - little Stanislovas in addition , because the terror of the snow was upon him . Jurgis had nothing to put on but his shoes and his coat , and in half a minute he was out of the door . Then , however , he realized that there was no need of haste , that he had no idea where to go . It was still dark as midnight , and the thick snowflakes were sifting down - everything was so silent that he could hear the rustle of them as they fell . In the few seconds that he stood there hesitating he was covered white . He set off at a run for the yards , stopping by the way to inquire in the saloons that were open . Ona might have been overcome on the way ; or else she might have met with an accident in the machines . When he got to the place where she worked he inquired of one of the watchmen - there had not been any accident , so far as the man had heard . At the time office , which he found already open , the clerk told him that Ona 's check had been turned in the night before , showing that she had left her work . After that there was nothing for him to do but wait , pacing back and forth in the snow , meantime , to keep from freezing . Already the yards were full of activity ; cattle were being unloaded from the cars in the distance , and across the way the " beef - luggers " were toiling in the darkness , carrying two - hundred - pound quarters of bullocks into the refrigerator cars . Before the first streaks of daylight there came the crowding throngs of workingmen , shivering , and swinging their dinner pails as they hurried by . Jurgis took up his stand by the time - office window , where alone there was light enough for him to see ; the snow fell so quick that it was only by peering closely that he could make sure that Ona did not pass him . Seven o ' clock came , the hour when the great packing machine began to move . Jurgis ought to have been at his place in the fertilizer mill ; but instead he was waiting , in an agony of fear , for Ona . It was fifteen minutes after the hour when he saw a form emerge from the snow mist , and sprang toward it with a cry . It was she , running swiftly ; as she saw him , she staggered forward , and half fell into his outstretched arms . It was several scconds before she could get breath to answer him . " I couldn 't get home , " she exclaimed . " The snow - the cars had stopped . " Jurgis drew a deep breath ; but then he noticed that she was sobbing and trembling - as if in one of those nervous crises that he dreaded so . " But what 's the matter ? " he cried . " What has happened ? " They were near the time station window , and people were staring at them . Jurgis led her away . " How do you mean ? " he asked , in perplexity . " I was afraid - I was just afraid ! " sobbed Ona . " I knew you wouldn 't know where I was , and I didn 't know what you might do . I tried to get home , but I was so tired . Oh , Jurgis , Jurgis ! " He was so glad to get her back that he could not think clearly about anything else . It did not seem strange to him that she should be so very much upset ; all her fright and incoherent protestations did not matter since he had her back . He let her cry away her tears ; and then , hecause it was nearly eight o ' clock , and they would lose another hour if they delayed , he left her at the packing house door , with her ghastly white face and her haunted eyes of terror . It lacked but three days of the holidays . About midnight Marija and Elzbieta came home , exclaiming in alarm when they found that Ona had not come . The two had agreed to meet her ; and , after waiting , had gone to the room where she worked ; only to find that the ham - wrapping girls had quit work an hour before , and left . There was no snow that night , nor was it especially cold ; and still Ona had not come ! Something more serious must be wrong this time . They aroused Jurgis , and he sat up and listened crossly to the story . She must have gone home again with Jadvyga , he said ; Jadvyga lived only two blocks from the yards , and perhaps she had been tired . Nothing could have happened to her - and even if there had , there was nothing could be done about it until morning . Jurgis turned over in his bed , and was snoring again before the two had closed the door . In the morning , however , he was up and out nearly an hour before the usual time . Jadvyga Marcinkus lived on the other side of the yards , beyond Halsted Street , with her mother and sisters , in a single basement room - for Mikolas had recently lost one hand from blood poisoning , and their marriage had been put off forever . The door of the room was in the rear , reached by a narrow court , and Jurgis saw a light in the window and heard something frying as he passed ; he knocked , half expecting that Ona would answer . Instead there was one of Jadvyga 's little sisters , who gazed at him through a crack in thc door . " Where 's Ona ? " he demanded ; and the child looked at him in perplexity . " Ona ? " she said . " No , " said the child , and Jurgis gave a start . A moment later came Jadvyga , peering over the child 's head . When she saw who it was , she slid around out of sight , for she was not quite dressed . Jurgis must excuse her , she began , her mother was very ill - He was only half able to realize the words . " Why - why - " he exclaimed . " Two weeks ago . Jadvyga ! She told me so the night it snowed , and she could not get home . " He steadied himself by the doorsill ; and Jadvyga in her anxiety - for she was fond of Ona - opened the door wide , holding her jacket across her throat . " Are you sure you didn 't misunderstand her ? " she cried . " She must have meant somewhere else . She - " " She said here , " insisted Jurgis . " She told me all about you , and how you were , and what you said . Are you sure ? You haven 't forgotten ? You weren 't away ? " " No , no ! " she exclaimed - and then came a peevish voice - " Jadvyga , you are giving the baby a cold . Shut the door ! " Jurgis stood for half a minute more , stammering his perplexity through an eighth of an inch of crack ; and then , as there was really nothing more to be said , he excused himself and went away . He walked on half dazed , without knowing where he went . Ona had deceived him ! She had lied to him ! And what could it mean - where had she been ? Where was she now ? He could hardly grasp the thing - much less try to solve it ; but a hundred wild surmises came to him , a sense of impending calamity overwhelmed him . Because there was nothing else to do , he went back to the time office to watch again . He waited until nearly an hour after seven , and then went to the room where Ona worked to make inquiries of Ona 's " forelady . " The " forelady , " he found , had not yet come ; all the lines of cars that came from downtown were stalled - there had been an accident in the powerhouse , and no cars had been running since last night . Meantime , however , the ham - wrappers were working away , with some one else in charge of them . The girl who answered Jurgis was busy , and as she talked she looked to see if she were being watched . Then a man came up , wheeling a truck ; he knew Jurgis for Ona 's husband , and was curious about the mystery . " Perhaps not , " said the man . Jurgis thought he saw him exchange a swift glance with the girl as he spoke , and he demanded quickly . " What do you know about it ? " But the man had seen that the boss was watching him ; he started on again , pushing his truck . " I don 't know anything about it , " he said , over his shoulder . " How should I know where your wife goes ? " Then Jurgis went out again and paced up and down before the building . All the morning he stayed there , with no thought of his work . About noon he went to the police station to make inquiries , and then came back again for another anxious vigil . Finally , toward the middle of the alternoon , he set out for home once more . He was walking out Ashland Avenue . The streetcars had begun running again , and several passed him , packed to the steps with people . The sight of them set Jurgis to thinking again of the man 's sarcastic remark ; and half involuntarily he found himself watching the cars - with the result that he gave a sudden startled exclamation , and stopped short in his tracks . Then he broke into a run . For a whole block he tore after the car , only a little ways behind . That rusty black hat with the drooping red flower , it might not be Ona 's , but there was very little likelihood of it . He would know for certain very soon , for she would get out two blocks ahead . He slowed down , and let the car go on . She got out : and as soon as she was out of sight on the side street Jurgis broke into a run . Suspicion was rife in him now , and he was not ashamed to shadow her : he saw her turn the corner near their home , and then he ran again , and saw her as she went up the porch steps of the house . After that he turned back , and for five minutes paced up and down , his hands clenched tightly and his lips set , his mind in a turmoil . Then he went home and entered . As he opened the door , he saw Elzbieta , who had also been looking for Ona , and had come home again . She was now on tiptoe , and had a finger on her lips . Jurgis waited until she was close to him . " What 's the matter ' ? " he asked . " Ona is asleep , " she panted . " She 's been very ill . I 'm afraid her mind 's been wandering , Jurgis . She was lost on the street all night , and I 've only just succeeded in getting her quiet . " Ona was sitting on the bed . She turned a startled look upon him as he entered . He closed the door in Elzbieta 's face , and went toward his wife . " Where have you been ? " he demanded . She had her hands clasped tightly in her lap , and he saw that her face was as white as paper , and drawn with pain . She gasped once or twice as she tried to answer him , and then began , speaking low , and swiftly . " Jurgis , I - I think I have been out of my mind . I started to come last night , and I could not find the way . I walked - I walked all night , I think , and - and I only got home - this morning . " " You are lying to me , " said Jurgis . Then he clenched his hands and took a step toward her . " Why do you lie to me ? " he cried , fiercely . " What are you doing that you have to lie to me ? " " You have lied to me , I say ! " he cried . " You told me you had been to Jadvyga 's house that other night , and you hadn 't . You had been where you were last night - somewheres downtown , for I saw you get off the car . Where were you ? " It was as if he had struck a knife into her . She seemed to go all to pieces . For half a second she stood , reeling and swaying , staring at him with horror in her eyes ; then , with a cry of anguish , she tottered forward , stretching out her arms to him . But he stepped aside , deliberately , and let her fall . She caught herself at the side of the bed , and then sank down , burying her face in her hands and bursting into frantic weeping . There came one of those hysterical crises that had so often dismayed him . Ona sobbed and wept , her fear and anguish building themselves up into long climaxes . Furious gusts of emotion would come sweeping over her , shaking her as the tempest shakes the trees upon the hills ; all her frame would quiver and throb with them - it was as if some dreadful thing rose up within her and took possession of her , torturing her , tearing her . This thing had been wont to set Jurgis quite beside himself ; but now he stood with his lips set tightly and his hands clenched - she might weep till she killed herself , but she should not move him this time - not an inch , not an inch . Because the sounds she made set his blood to running cold and his lips to quivering in spite of himself , he was glad of the diversion when Teta Elzbieta , pale with fright , opened the door and rushed in ; yet he turned upon her with an oath . " Go out ! " he cried , " go out ! " And then , as she stood hesitating , about to speak , he seized her by the arm , and half flung her from the room , slamming the door and barring it with a table . Then he turned again and faced Ona , crying - " Now , answer me ! " Yet she did not hear him - she was still in the grip of the fiend . Jurgis could see her outstretched hands , shaking and twitching , roaming here and there over the bed at will , like living things ; he could see convulsive shudderings start in her body and run through her limbs . She was sobbing and choking - it was as if there were too many sounds for one throat , they came chasing each other , like waves upon the sea . Then her voice would begin to rise into screams , louder and louder until it broke in wild , horrible peals of laughter . Jurgis bore it until he could bear it no longer , and then he sprang at her , seizing her by the shoulders and shaking her , shouting into her ear : " Stop it , I say ! Stop it ! " She looked up at him , out of her agony ; then she fell forward at his feet . She caught them in her hands , in spite of his efforts to step aside , and with her face upon the floor lay writhing . It made a choking in Jurgis ' throat to hear her , and he cried again , more savagely than before : " Stop it , I say ! " This time she heeded him , and caught her breath and lay silent , save for the gasping sobs that wrenched all her frame . For a long minute she lay there , perfectly motionless , until a cold fear seized her husband , thinking that she was dying . Suddenly , however , he heard her voice , faintly : " Jurgis ! Jurgis ! " He had to bend down to her , she was so weak . She was pleading with him , in broken phrases , painfully uttered : " Have faith in me ! Believe me ! " " Believe that I - that I know best - that I love you ! And do not ask me - what you did . Oh , Jurgis , please , please ! It is for the best - it is - " He started to speak again , but she rushed on frantically , heading him off . " If you will only do it ! If you will only - only believe me ! It wasn 't my fault - I couldn 't help it - it will be all right - it is nothing - it is no harm . Oh , Jurgis - please , please ! " She had hold of him , and was trying to raise herself to look at him ; he could feel the palsied shaking of her hands and the heaving of the bosom she pressed against him . She managed to catch one of his hands and gripped it convulsively , drawing it to her face , and bathing it in her tears . " Oh , believe me , believe me ! " she wailed again ; and he shouted in fury , " I will not ! " But still she clung to him , wailing aloud in her despair : " Oh , Jurgis , think what you are doing ! It will ruin us - it will ruin us ! Oh , no , you must not do it ! No , don 't , don 't do it . You must not do it ! It will drive me mad - it will kill me - no , no , Jurgis , I am crazy - it is nothing . You do not really need to know . We can be happy - we can love each other just the same . Oh , please , please , believe me ! " Her words fairly drove him wild . He tore his hands loose , and flung her off . " Answer me , " he cried . " God damn it , I say - answer me ! " She sank down upon the floor , beginning to cry again . It was like listening to the moan of a damned soul , and Jurgis could not stand it . He smote his fist upon the table by his side , and shouted again at her , " Answer me ! " She began to scream aloud , her voice like the voice of some wild beast : " Ah ! Ah ! I can 't ! I can 't do it ! " He sprang and caught her by the arm , lifting her up , and glaring into her face . " Tell me where you were last night ! " he panted . " Quick , out with it ! " She tried to hide her eyes away , but he held her . " Miss Henderson 's house , " she gasped . He did not understand at first . " Miss Henderson 's house , " he echoed . And then suddenly , as in an explosion , the horrible truth burst over him , and he reeled and staggered back with a scream . He caught himself against the wall , and put his hand to his forehead , staring about him , and whispering , " Jesus ! Jesus ! " An instant later he leaped at her , as she lay groveling at his feet . He seized her by the throat . " Tell me ! " he gasped , hoarsely . Quick ! Who took you to that place ? " He tightened his grip , in his frenzy , and only when he saw her eyes closing did he realize that he was choking her . Then he relaxed his fingers , and crouched , waiting , until she opened her lids again . His breath beat hot into her face . She lay perfectly motionless , and he had to hold his breath to catch her words . " I did not want - to do it , " she said ; " I tried - I tried not to do it . I only did it - to save us . It was our only chance . " Again , for a space , there was no sound but his panting . Ona 's eyes closed and when she spoke again she did not open them . " He told me - he would have me turned off . He told me he would - we would all of us lose our places . We could never get anything to do - here - again . He - he meant it - he would have ruined us . " " At the very first , " she said . She spoke as if in a trance . " It was all - it was their plot - Miss Henderson 's plot . She hated me . And he - he wanted me . He used to speak to me - out on the platform . Then he began to - to make love to me . He offered me money . He begged me - he said he loved me . Then he threatened me . He knew all about us , he knew we would starve . He knew your boss - he knew Marija 's . He would hound us to death , he said - then he said if I would - if I - we would all of us be sure of work - always . Then one day he caught hold of me - he would not let go - he - he - " " In the hallway - at night - after every one had gone . I could not help it . I thought of you - of the baby - of mother and the children . I was afraid of him - afraid to cry out . " " That was two months ago . Then he wanted me to come - to that house . He wanted me to stay there . He said all of us - that we would not have to work . He made me come there - in the evenings . I told you - you thought I was at the factory . Then - one night it snowed , and I couldn 't get back . And last night - the cars were stopped . It was such a little thing - to ruin us all . I tried to walk , but I couldn 't . I didn 't want you to know . It would have - it would have been all right . We could have gone on - just the same - you need never have known about it . He was getting tired of me - he would have let me alone soon . I am going to have a baby - I am getting ugly . He told me that - twice , he told me , last night . He kicked me - last night - too . And now you will kill him - you - you will kill him - and we shall die . " All this she had said without a quiver ; she lay still as death , not an eyelid moving . And Jurgis , too , said not a word . He lifted himself by the bed , and stood up . He did not stop for another glance at her , but went to the door and opened it . He did not see Elzbieta , crouching terrified in the corner . He went out , hatless , leaving the street door open behind him . The instant his feet were on the sidewalk he broke into a run . He ran like one possessed , blindly , furiously , looking neither to the right nor left . He was on Ashland Avenue before exhaustion compelled him to slow down , and then , noticing a car , he made a dart for it and drew himself aboard . His eyes were wild and his hair flying , and he was breathing hoarsely , like a wounded bull ; but the people on the car did not notice this particularly - perhaps it seemed natural to them that a man who smelled as Jurgis smelled should exhibit an aspect to correspond . They began to give way before him as usual . The conductor took his nickel gingerly , with the tips of his fingers , and then left him with the platform to himself . Jurgis did not even notice it - his thoughts were far away . Within his soul it was like a roaring furnace ; he stood waiting , waiting , crouching as if for a spring . He had some of his breath back when the car came to the entrance of the yards , and so he leaped off and started again , racing at full speed . People turned and stared at him , but he saw no one - there was the factory , and he bounded through the doorway and down the corridor . He knew the room where Ona worked , and he knew Connor , the boss of the loading - gang outside . He looked for the man as he sprang into the room . The truckmen were hard at work , loading the freshly packed boxes and barrels upon the cars . Jurgis shot one swift glance up and down the platform - the man was not on it . But then suddenly he heard a voice in the corridor , and started for it with a bound . In an instant more he fronted the boss . He was a big , red - faced Irishman , coarse - featured , and smelling of liquor . He saw Jurgis as he crossed the threshold , and turned white . He hesitated one second , as if meaning to run ; and in the next his assailant was upon him . He put up his hands to protect his face , but Jurgis , lunging with all the power of his arm and body , struck him fairly between the eyes and knocked him backward . The next moment he was on top of him , burying his fingers in his throat . To Jurgis this man 's whole presence reeked of the crime he had committed ; the touch of his body was madness to him - it set every nerve of him atremble , it aroused all the demon in his soul . It had worked its will upon Ona , this great beast - and now he had it , he had it ! It was his turn now ! Things swam blood before him , and he screamed aloud in his fury , lifting his victim and smashing his head upon the floor . The place , of course , was in an uproar ; women fainting and shrieking , and men rushing in . Jurgis was so bent upon his task that he knew nothing of this , and scarcely realized that people were trying to interfere with him ; it was only when half a dozen men had seized him by the legs and shoulders and were pulling at him , that he understood that he was losing his prey . In a flash he had bent down and sunk his teeth into the man 's cheek ; and when they tore him away he was dripping with blood , and little ribbons of skin were hanging in his mouth . They got him down upon the floor , clinging to him by his arms and legs , and still they could hardly hold him . He fought like a tiger , writhing and twisting , half flinging them off , and starting toward his unconscious enemy . But yet others rushed in , until there was a little mountain of twisted limbs and bodies , heaving and tossing , and working its way about the room . In the end , by their sheer weight , they choked the breath out of him , and then they carried him to the company police station , where he lay still until they had summoned a patrol wagon to take him away .

I 've been trying to do this every year toward the end of December , so here goes . The whole questionnaire runs 50 questions . Part 1 ran on December 28 . I loved this book . Moss spent 13 years in Amboseli National Park , following elephants and observing their interactions , their behaviors , how they handle everything from birth to death . A great book for an elephant lover . That is a HUGE lettuce leaf that was folded in about fourths and stuck on her sandwich under the cheese . The wad of lettuce was easily half again as thick as the rest of the things in the sandwich , to say nothing of the big bulk of the actual fold . I sometimes wonder what goes on in that kitchen . I didn 't stay long this time , because of having to work at Logos , but just packed up her dirty laundry and came home . Today was L minus 4 . Only 4 more work days before my days at Logos end . It 's a bittersweet thing to contemplate on one hand , but on another nice to think of " having my Thursdays back . " Today wasn 't as busy as last week , but still busy . The first customer greeted me like a long - lost friend and commented that it had been a long time since we 'd seen each other . We had a nice chat about Atria and her friend with dementia . When she left I still didn 't have a clue who she was . She did buy a contemporary fiction and the woman with her , who must have been her mother ( because they looked so much alike ) , bought 2 contemporary fictions . An African American woman with a man I assumed was dark skinned Indian , since he had those Indian - from - India features . They looked in the children 's room and were disappointed not to find a book of Grimms fairy tales or anything by Hans Christian Anderson , since their son loves fairy tales . I have to keep reminding people that we are a used book store and our stock depends on what people donate . The store was filling up and I hadn 't seen this cute little dog come in . He was with a woman and a tall man in a black cowboy hat . The dog shrank back with his ears flat whenever the man talked to him . I wondered if he were a battered dog . A mom with 4 adult children came in . All looked around and mom bought a novel called " Samurai . " Then they all left . Soon one of the daughters returned with a bargain book and when she went back outside , another daughter came into buy a bargain book by James Patterson . . I had called Harrison , the store manager when Susan and Peter are out of town , to ask if he could relieve me a bit early . We had decided to do another family movie night , this time seeing La La Land at the theater just a block from Logos . This movie had a bit more of a crowd than last night 's Rogue One . It also had a better plot , more hummable music , and nothing exploded , so I liked it better . Strange new - fangled musical , but with the most incredible opening scene you are ever going to see ! When I picked up our > $ 100 prime rib the other day , I still hadn 't decided what I wanted to do for Christmas Eve dinner . It didn 't seem right just to have a " normal " dinner . But there were only going to be the two of us . Then I saw the crabs at the meat counter . A huge display of fresh Dungeness crab and I thought that would be the perfect dinner . Crab and French bread . Nectar of the gods . I got a nice sized crab , had them clean it and package it and I brought it home . And it was delicious . The perfect start to our decadent food weekend . After I finished my portion I realized I had forgotten to take a picture . ( And you know it doesn 't exist if you don 't have a picture on Facebook of something somewhere ! ) I went to get my cell phone to take this picture of the leftovers , but I didn 't see the phone . I didn 't feel like doing a search for it , so I just took the photo with my regular camera . But then I started looking for the phone . It is usually only in a handful of places . It 's on my desk , on the table next to my recliner , in my purse , or on the kitchen counter next to the charger . It was in none of those places . Then started to get worried . Could I have left it somewhere ? I went on Facebook and found that the last picture I posted was the one of the label on the prime rib package , and I hadn 't been out of the house since I got home from the store , so it had to be here . I started searching through everything , including emptying the garbage cans , going through the to - be - done laundry . I went through my purse at least 3 times ( and this baby is a BIG phone , so hard to miss in a purse ! ) I even downloaded the " Find My Phone " app but it didn 't work unless I set it up with the phone . It did tell me , however , that the iPad I was downloading the app to was located half a block from where it was sitting in my lap . Or a block away , it varied . It did not inspire faith in the app ! I was just sick . I love that phone and knew that there would be no replacement . . . it costs too much ! . . . but how could I lose it in the house . I had not been upstairs all afternoon . I hadn 't been in the living room either , though I searched there too . Finally I sat down at my computer and noticed a pile of " stuff " on top of the scanner and could not remember if I had looked through that or not , so I got up to do it . It wasn 't there , but the lid of the scanner was not flat with the scanner and that 's when I remembered I had taken a scan of the face of the phone because I was having problem with a game and hoped to get answers from the FB mind . Opened the scanner and there it was . I felt pretty dumb , but oh so relieved to have it back . We met the kids in Sacramento to see Rogue 1 tonight . Given the popularity of this latest installment of the Star Wars saga , we decided to get there early to avoid crowds . We need not have worried . Now bear in mind that the last Star Wars movie I attended was The Emperor Strikes Back in 1981 and I fell asleep in that so I 'm not of the Star Wars universe and got very little out of the film . My professional review is that if you like lots of CGI and battles , especially involving very large equipment , you 'll love it . If you aren 't into all that stuff , stay home . . . or go to see LaLa Land instead ! ( Jeri helpfully explained the plot to me at home . ) Then it was time to say goodbye . Tom , Laurel and the kids are heading back to Santa Barbara tomorrow and so our holiday together time is over . But it sure has been special ! I gave up making new year 's resolutions because it 's so depressing when I can 't stick with them . 6 . Where were you when 2016 began ? We lost several friends . Richard , our friend from the 1960s when our kids went to nursery school together ; Martha Dickman , heart of the Davis Comic Opera Company ( DCOC ) ; Arthur Sullivan , a wonderful man we had known for over 50 years after meeting him at the Lamplighters ; and Larry Fanning , also from DCOC , whom we had also known forever . Walt 's old boss and friend Charles Davis also died . The people who died , the people who disappeared without a trace , and especially lately my cousin Peach . Sure could use her to talk to about my mother . Heck , I even miss my sister for the same reason and she has been dead since 1971 . Nothing tremendous , but I am proud of managing to keep up with reviewing for two newspapers . I am officially a " writer . " Whoda thunk ? I was even interviewed on the local PBS station . The Atria Christmas saga started about a month ago when we met with the general manager and the woman who oversees the " inmates " of Atria about a statue that had been broken by the workers who had been around the place for weeks . Richard , the general manager was effusive in his apology and even though I told him they didn 't need to do anything , he insisted they must do something , like maybe putting Jeri and Phil up at a hotel while they are here or maybe they could treat us to dinner to make up for breaking the statue . He blanched a bit when I told him it would be 11 people but he was determined . Relief was all over him when I suggested that we have lunch there at Atria . He readily agreed and would see that we had the special dining room and they 'd do it up great for us . Just keep him posted about when and how many people . I didn 't hear from him so just to be sure that we had everything set up , two days ago I wrote to the " director of culinary " and explained everything to him , said we had Richard 's OK and that if he couldn 't talk with Richard , he could talk with Brianna , the woman in charge of " inmates " who had also been in on the discussion . I asked him to please confirm that he had received my email . I didn 't hear from him either . Then yesterday , when we went to see my mother for Christmas Richard was there , in Santa hat , driving inmates to church . I was so pleased to see him and said " so we 're all set for tomorrow , right ? " He didn 't have a clue what I was talking about and had not read my email from 2 weeks ago . But he would take care of it right away . He came back with the report that no , we could not have the separate dining room he had promised us because someone else had that , but they would set us up with a long table in the main dining room . When I got there today , I didn 't see any table set up and when Brianna made the mistake of walking by I got angry with her . She said essentially that wasn 't her business , but she would check for us . She later reported that they had set up a table and we were expected . It worked out fine , but I didn 't see anybody using the private dining room . Atria aside , it was a good day , except that the car wouldn 't start , so we had to ride over in Jeri & Phil 's rented Camero , which was truly not designed for 4 people . Fortunately it 's a short hop . While we waited for the others to arrive , Jeri helped my mother figure out who all the people on her new blanket are . That was good for a long time ! She 's still not sure she knows who they all are . We had agreed not to open gifts at my mother 's ( too confusing for her ) , but just give her the gifts that were hers . But Ned , who wasn 't feeling well and thought he would NOT go back to our house ( he later changed his mind ) had brought t - shirts for everyone . These were shirts he designed based on the movie he and Brianna made , called " Star Warts , Episode VII - 1 / 2 . " Naturally , there were photos . I am writing this at 2 a . m . At 9 p . m . last night , I was so tired I could barely move and so decided to chuck it all and go to sleep , knowing full well I would be awake around midnight . I actually didn 't get up until 1 a . m . and when I finish this , I hope I can go back to sleep . But it was a perfect day , so I 'm not complaining . Around noon , Walt and I went to Atria with my mother 's Christmas presents . She was in the dining room , so we left her presents in her apartment and joined her . We had coffee while she finished her meal , then we returned to the apartment , where she couldn 't understand why she had all those presents . Surely this wasn 't Christmas already . . I had brought her a box of See 's candy , some new lipstick , since she was out ( I found a deal on a set of lipsticks called " Wet and Wild , " which I thought was funny ) . And then the photo blanket I had made for her . I was most anxious to give her the blanket and get her reaction . She asked what she was supposed to do with it and I told her she could fold it up and put it on the couch for when she was gong to take a nap and she said " Now , see ? I didn 't understand a word you said . " I folded it up for her . Walt and I came home and he went off to a friend 's Christmas party . I stayed home to get things ready for our big dinner . I was VERY nervous about cooking my very first prime rib , especially after I picked it up yesterday . and saw the price . Walt 's comment " Just don 't burn it ! " Ned and Marta stopped by on their way to Marta 's family 's house for dinner . I had posted to Facebook that the one thing I forgot to get was horseradish . Ned responded that he had some and drop by the house on his way to the in - laws ' Christmas dinner , which he did . Crisis averted ( you can 't have prime rib without horseradish ! ) To make the roast the way I did it , you first coat it thickly with butter mixed with herbs and pepper , then sprinkle thickly with kosher salt and then put in a 500 degree oven for a period of time depending on the weight . Our weight was 7 . 39 lbs , which you multiply by 5 and then round up to discover that it had to cook at 500 degrees for exactly 37 minutes . Then you turn the oven off and don 't even look at it for 2 hours . At the end of 2 hours you have a perfect rare to medium rare roast , just the way we like it . And hot damn ! It worked ! The meat was perfectly cooked and by the time it comes out of the oven it is serving temperature ( and you don 't need to let it rest , because it has been resting for 2 hours ) . Jeri and Phil arrived in their rented Camero convertible . We sat and chatted while the roast did its thing in the oven . And then it was time to eat . I can honestly say this was the very easiest fancy dinner I have ever put together . I held my breath when I cut the first slice of the roast , but it was perfect . Outer edges medium rare , interior rare , rare , rare . Could not have been better Dessert was a cheesecake with a caramel topping , which I got from a Pioneer Woman broadcast earlier this week . . I love cheesecake , but this was too sweet even for me . If I ever make it again , it will be without the caramel topping . And then it was over . We cleared the table , I loaded the dishwasher , Jeri and Phil who are on Boston time , headed off to bed , and I collapsed . It is now 3 : 30 and I think I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours . We still have Atria Christmas , with Tom and his family to go this morning . How THAT came about till have to wait until tomorrow . There is another Atria saga involved . I have written an annual letter since 1965 . Several years ago , I made it an on - line version and mail out links to about 140 people . I mail to a handful of folks who do not have email . 5 . Describe your typical tree ( size , decorations , type ) . If you don 't have a tree , do you decorate and if so , tell us about it . ( If you don 't decorate make up a story here … ) It varies . Used to be we opened family gifts in the morning and extended family at night . Now it 's just Walt and me , so we open from each other in the morning and wait for whenever the kids can get here to open the rest . Yes several times . My favorite time was when we did it on the cable car in San Francisco with a bunch of professional singers . The last time we went caroling it was here in Davis with a handful of people with kazoos . I ice skated a little bit when I was in grammar school and took lessons . I could not skate now if my life depended on it . I don 't think I 've skated since high school . 21 . Are we crazy for thinking that the holiday season is WAY too commercial ? 24 . What 's your favorite thing about the holidays ? Family being all together , which is why I have had such a difficult time the last few years . Family is scattered , 2 kids are dead , and my mother doesn 't even know what month it is , let alone that it is Christmas . The Davis Enterprise released names of the winners of the annual town house decorating contest . As usual ( and not at all surprisingly ) , the top prize went to my old boss , Derrick Bang , who used to be the entertainment editor of the Enterprise for many years , until he fell victim to a downsizing . When Walt picked me up at Logos , it was dark and we decided to go out checking house lights ourselves . . . . and it would give me a chance to test out the quality of the new cell phone camera . It 's easy to see how this would be difficult to beat ! But I love watching it every year . Inside the house is even more spectacular , minus the lights , but it starts with a floor to ceiling tree right inside the door that is decorated with nothing but Peanuts ornaments . In the years when he was entertainment editor , he had a party each Christmas for the entertainment staff and one of the party games was to check the whole house and see how many Snoopys you could find ( usually somewhere short of 100 , including pictures , stuffed animals , ornaments , statues , etc . ) Derrick is the author of this and many other books about the Peanuts cartoons and Charles Schulz . He was also part of the building and opening of the Charles Schulz museum in Sonoma . My big coup was that on the flight back from Australia in 2003 , I was able to get a Qantas Snoopy ( which they were giving to kids ) which he did NOT have in his collection , though he has a gazillion stuffed Snoopys . At Logos last week , I had a whopping total of 3 sales , with a few other customers in the store . Normally I write notes on a quarter sheet of paper , an 8 - 12 x 11 piece of paper torn into 4ths . In a normal week , I fill four sheets of paper . Yesterday , when Walt arrived to pick me up I had just started my EIGHTH sheet of paper . It was last minute gift buying day ! Susan tells me that we sold $ 399 worth of books ! I needed to go to the bank , which is across the street from Logos . I 'm so frustrated . I have used my pin on ATM machines for over 10 years and suddenly it 's just . . gone . I know the four numbers , but I cannot for the life of me get them in the right order , so I have to deposit a check at the bank and get my pin switched . I had hoped to do that before working , but we left the house a little too late so I was going to ask Sandy if she could stay just a bit longer , but her wife was there with their granddaughter , so I didn 't . Thinking the store was empty we were talking quite openly about our latest favorite subject : the upcoming Trump presidency . Today we were talking about his decision to up our nuclear capabilities and what a danger that was after decades , ever since the Sainted Ronald Reagan , of working to reduce nuclear arms around the world . It 's probably not the conversation we would have had with customers in the store , but suddenly this very tall guy with a French accent appeared , making a statement about France 's nuclear capabilities . That was a surprise ! 3 women came in , looking like mom , daughter , and grandma . Grandma had kind of a sour look and said loudly ' What are we DOING here ? " I couldn 't tell if she was being funny . . . or if maybe she was like my mother , who would probably wonder the same thing . The mom bought a book of ancient civilizations of somewhere I can 't remember and the daughter bought a history of Greece . A portly red - headed bearded guy searing a Bob Marley shirt under his dark corduroy jacket had worn - looking shoes with toes that turned up almost like those of elves . His rumpled jeans dragged on the floor over his shoes . He wore his sun glasses on top of his head and he spent a long time looking through the literature and the history sections , but ultimately didn 't buy anything . A man arrived with an armload of wrapped Christmas packages . I said " Oh you shouldn 't have " and he gave a small smile at my pathetic joke . He bought a big coffee table book on the Bayeux tapestry from the window display . A woman came in with a bargain book and asked for directions to a news store . I told her how to get to Newsbeat , just a couple of blocks away . She asked if she could leave the book there and get it later , which I said she could do . I had told her to turn right out of the store ; she turned left and I never saw her again . 5 people entered at the same time , groups of two and three . The two , kind of swarthy looking men with head bands , left quickly , while the 3 women stayed longer and laughed a lot . A man bought a contemporary fiction book . His right arm , I noticed , was heavily tattooed ( I suspect they were henna tattoos ) with the letters spelling YOKE on his fingers and ornate flowers covering all the skin I could see . A woman named Carol J brought in an armload of 10 bargain books , paid for them , and left them behind to pick up later She met a friend outside as she was leaving and the friend was picking her own stack of bargain books ( 7 of them ) . She returned an hour or so later for her books and bought a book on Van Gogh for $ 7 , which was teeny compared to the bargain books she had purchased . She also bought a kids ' Christmas book . A woman bought three kids books , including " The Phantom Tollbooth . " The total came to about $ 7 but I kept screwing up the cash register and at first had her owing > $ 20 . I finally got it right on the third try . A woman asked if we sold gift certificates , and since I didn 't find any blanks in the drawer , I guessed that we no longer did . Another Logos tradition leaving . The woman bought three personal growth books , including one by Edgar Cayce , the " sleeping prophet , " the " father of holistic medicine , " and the most documented psychic of the 20th century . A striking tall woman in a long white coat with a long scarf around her neck and a regal bearing entered , looking for " coffee table books . " She looked like what I would imagine Kay Scarpetta looking like , if Scarpetta were taller . The woman was pleased to find three books , one on Scorsese , one on Humphrey Bogart and one on movies of the 20th century ( I think this last book was one I donated ) . Laffing Sal 's nicer sister . She bought a book on Pancho Villa and had lots of interesting things to tell me about Villa 's son , who apparently grew up in Hayward , CA and didn 't know he was related to Villa until he was an adult ( " Villa had kids all over the place , " she said ) . While she was talking to me another customer ( Carol J from earlier in the day ) stood right next to her having a conversation on her cell phone , making no effort to lower her voice or move out of the way . Another man came in wanting to know about the future of Logos . The last customer bought anther coffee table book and also talked about the future of the store . Amazing how many people have come to love the store and are very concerned about what will happen when Susan and Peter retire . We innocently walked into the Verizon store to see about getting me an upgraded phone , since mine died last night ( " screen death , " they say ) . Two and a half hours later we walked out with 2 new phones and two Samsung tablets . We either got an incredible deal , or these guys are the best gol - durn used car salesmen in town . We were easy pickin 's . There were actually five guys and for the first two hours , we were the only customers . We apparently happened upon one of Verizon 's best sales in the history of Verizon and we could get an iPhone 7 ( which I did not expect to buy , knowing how expensive it is ) for me , a new Samsung for Walt ( they would buy back his 2 year old phone ) , cut our monthly payment in half , and throw in two Samsung tablets just for ducks . And the total we paid today was less than half the price I 've seen for the iPhone 7 alone . One of the guys was supposedly just learning how it all worked , so the manager did a lot of the computer . The paperwork went on forever , Walt signed a dozen agreements ( half for him , half for me ) they downloaded some apps for me until I told them I could do it myself . And , as I said , we walked out after 2 - 1 / 2 hours dazed and with so many bags one of the guy carried our bags out to the sidewalk for us . While Walt was signing papers , I was testing out the new camera ( which is amazing ) and texting pix off to Jeri and Ned , the only two email addresses I could remember without double checking . I also set up the alarm clock that rings every day at 9 : 30 to remind me to take my pills and installed Word with Friends . And then out to the car to test out our new toys . We tried out the bluetooth and couldn 't figure out how to configure it and decided it was kind of silly to be parked just a few blocks from the house trying to figure out how our new phones worked . Needless to say , am happy as a clam to have a working phone again . . . and to be able to play Word with Friends on my cell phone again . There is also a big learning curve ahead of me , I know , but I 'm looking forward to it . Of course the iPhone 7 for Dummies that was on sale today for Kindle was ordered ( $ 3 ) and has not been delivered . Sigh . I didn 't have a lot of time to play with the phone at home because I had to get over to Atria and make sure my other got to her hair appointment . I had the usual struggle with her . How did I know she wanted to get her hair done ? How could she go when she had no checkbook , and what was I doing with her checkbook anyway . What if she wanted to write a check . And did she really have to go to the beauty parlor Even she thought so . I also took a photo of her hair from the BACK . She is always complaining about people in the dining room who have beautiful curly hair and she has told me all of my life how disgusted she is when she looks at my hair because she ways wanted curly hair and never had it . I thought she would like this photo : I had lunch with my friend Joan and Nancy today . We lunch periodically when the political scene is overwhelming and we need to talk about it . I realized today that we 've been doing this for about 12 years . This was easy to figure out because we were first Bashing Bush Babes , perhaps after Bush 's re - election . We met maybe once a month to let off steam . We couldn 't do this on a regular basis because Nancy 's schedule is so crazy and she is often out of town . Meet Bartholomew . Nancy found him at Costco and couldn 't resist , thinking he would be wonderful to give to some children 's home . Only so far nobody wants him , so for the nonce , he is going to stay at the University Retirement Community ( URC ) , where Joan lives , and sit next to their Christmas tree . When Christmas is over , Nancy hopes to give him to the library for their children 's section . What a great place for a little kid to sit and read . We could easily have spent another hour at lunch , but I had to get home so I could get to Logos . The person I relieved today was someone I had not met before . When I said I was there to relieve her , she said " No , you aren 't . I don 't feel relieved at all . " She was an interesting person who , I thought , had interesting lace across the top of her shirt until I realized it was a shoulder - to - shoulder tattoo of tongues of fire rising up off of her chest . It was a rainy day and she had a light morning , but the rain was coming down harder and I had the lightest day ever . I think I made five sales . Things started off just fine , with a guy wearing a North Face jacket buying a coffee table book about mountain climbing . He said it would be perfect gift for a friend of his . Believe it or not , I didn 't have another customer until my friend arrived . He was an hour earlier than usual and said he wanted to come in early before the traffic got crazy ( he drives in from Sacramento to meet with a group of guys every week ) . We chatted more than usual . He said he will be gone now until January . He bought a book of Japanese literature and a book abut code breakers in World War II . Some time after this my cell phone crashed . I went to play my " 4 Words " game to pass the time and the screen froze . It has done this before . You can 't move anything and can 't even turn off the phone . I finally stopped trying and just let it turn itself off and now it won 't turn on . You can call the phone and it rings , but you can 't answer it . I phone recognizes it , but that 's it . Because I can see what is on in the photo files , even if I can 't open the phone , this morning I moved all of the photos on the phone to my hard drive so I don 't lose them . We are actually , be still my heart , going to buy me a new one today . A woman came in and walked purposefully to the back , was there a couple of minutes and then left . A business man came in to drop off a letter for Peter and Susan . The last customer for me was a couple , the guy in a yarmulke and either prayer shawl or neck scarf ( hard to tell which one ! ) who bought a book by Voltaire . His female companion , with her close fit black pants and her boots , as well as just her bearing , looked like she must be an equestrian . And then it was over . Walt came by , dripping wet , and we walked the two blocks to where he had parked the car I had not brought my rain jacket with me , but wasn 't all that wet when we finally got to the car . It would have been lovely to have come home and curled up in the lap of a big bear named Bartholomew ! I don 't listen to music much any more . I don 't have a real genre . I don 't really like rock . I enjoy old folk music like John Denver or the Kingston trio . I like show tunes a lot ( since I 'm a critic , I see a lot of musicals ) . I enjoy classical music , but not as much as I used to . List your three favorite scents . Sigh . This question again . The smell of the sea , puppy breath , and fresh ground coffee . I also like the smell of acetone , rubbing alcohol , Vicks and gasoline . Share something difficult you 've been through . How much time do you have ? The death of my two sons ( 1996 and 1999 ) , the grieving periods following the death of my best friend and my cousin , who was more like my sister . And right now , watching my mother 's dementia eat away her brain . Oh my yes ! I write lots of letters ( mostly to the 29 kids I sponsor around the world ) and my granddaughters , and receive letters from all of them . Even with her dementia , my mother is proud of the fact that she never writes letters . I 'd like to revisit the 1950s and find out why I thought it was such a good time when it was not good at all for an awful lot of people ( I suspect I thought they were good because I was a young white girl living in a white neighborhood . , We weren 't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination , but if my family had money worries , I didn 't know about them . Politics was not discussed in our house , so I never knew what was going on in the world . I lived in blissful ignorance . If you could be immortal or have an extremely long life span which would you pick and why ? Neither . Immortality would be terrible . You 'd spend your entire life saying goodbye to loved ones . And , watching my mother deteriorate at age 97 , that doesn 't hold any appeal for me either . Just let me go to sleep some night and not wake up . Maybe I 'll find old friends on the other side . Sinking into my recliner , turning on the television , and NOT seeing anything about Donald Trump . If you have one , name a favorite book & movie . Favorite book , " Prince of Tides . " Favorite movie , " A Star Is Born " ( 1954 , with Judy Garland ) Walt has had a beard for at least 40 years or more . I won 't let him shave it . We have compromised on a goatee . Does that answer your question ? Why does it hurt ? I happened , quite by accident , to see the " blogs I follow " list of someone I have known and followed for many years and on whose list I always showed up , but I 'm not there any more , though I continue to follow her blog and have since the beginning . I am grateful to everyone who follows Funny the World , but I guess there is a sell - by day for old friends . Heck , sometimes I even bore me ! Welcome to Saturday 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! 2 ) Drivers in snowy climes are encouraged to keep salt , sand or kitty litter in the trunk because those items can help a car regain traction in the snow . Do you have an emergency kit in your car right now ? If so , what 's in it ? 4 ) Chionophobia is the fear of snow . Astraphobia is the fear of thunder and lightening . Lilapsophobia is the fear of tornadoes and hurricanes . Do you have to cope with any of these fears ? 5 ) Elvis ' daughter Lisa Marie split her childhood between Memphis and Los Angeles , so she seldom saw snow . When she was a little girl , she was whisked her off to Denver in her father 's private plane so the two of them could spend an afternoon playing in the snow . If you could take off and spend the afternoon anywhere in the world , where would you go ? Well , " anywhere in the world " is silly unless you are going somewhere close , like Memphis to Denver . If I wanted to spend the afternoon in London , that 's a 12 hour flight . , if I wanted to go to Australia or Africa , the afternoon would be over and I 'd still be on the plane . But if I had a transporter or Tardis , I wouldn 't mind going on an African photo safari before dinner back home again . 6 ) At home and onstage , Elvis refused to wear jeans and only wore denim if a film role demanded it . This is because when he was young , classmates teased him for " dressing poor " in jeans and coveralls . What did you wear to class when you were in grammar school ? My aunt was apparently the first woman granted a pilot 's license in California . My great uncle ( and godfather ) was a champion 6 days bicycle racer . Another great uncle came within one fight of being feather weight boxing champion . My grandparents were in vaudeville , and my grandfather was an Irish tenor in a barbershop quartet . No problem . Steak . I don 't like either caviar or lobster ( and the thought of killing a live lobster turns my stomach , though I wouldn 't mind having someone kill a Dungeness crab for me ! ( And BTW , I suspect 5 lbs of steak would be by far the cheapest of the choices ) In this day where everything is automated and computerized , trying to deal with a human being is nearly impossible . Even if you CAN get to a human being , they refer you back to their on - line site because it 's so much easier . For them . Today I had 3 bills to pay for my mother . Somehow she managed to " misplace " 2 months of telephone bills , which I just found on her coffee table this week . Her phone had already been disconnected . I don 't know what happens with her papers . She gets volumes from Atria in a week and I go through them and toss out the outdated ones and get everything organized and then a week later I will find more notices from 6 months ago . I called AT & T but before they could help me I had to either give them her 3 - digit account number or the last 4 digits of her social security number . I didn 't have the SS number so I put in the account number , which was not recognized . I 'm holding the bloody bill in my hand and reading the numbers , but they don 't recognize them . So I went to Atria and got her SS card and copied down the number . I went back to AT & T and they don 't recognize that number either . I finally called customer " service " and after a quite lengthy wait on line , while I was told many times how easy their on - line service was , I eventually reached a human being , who didn 't want to accept payment from me until they could have my mother verify that it was OK for me to pay her bill for her . I explained that she was 97 and had dementia and threatened to call back and pretend I was my mother . She finally , reluctantly , agreed to let me pay her bill . The second bill was easier . It was her portion of the ~ $ 2 , 500 bill for her 3 block ambulance ride to the Emergency Room the last time she was sent there . Her portion was $ 125 , which makes you realize why you pay for health insurance . It 's for unexpected times like these ! But I wrote the check and mailed it . The third bill was her co - pay for the $ 7 , 701 charges for her 2 hours in the emergency room . Her portion ? $ 50 . Again , thank God for Kaiser . I cringe whenever I pay these bills because I know that she does not really need to go to the ER , but the one time I say " don 't take her " will be the one time when her unconsciousness turns out to be a stroke . So we pay . So I called . And I waited . And I got a recording saying to say to type in her account number . It wasn 't recognized . I finally got through to a person who could help me and , not surprisingly , she encouraged paying on line . I explained my difficulty and that I could not log in and could not start an account . She said I could log in and pay as " guest " and that she could guide me , so I got the web site up on my computer and it was , indeed , quite simple . She got me through the first couple of screens and all I had to do was put in the credit card number . I thanked my guide for her help and she hung up . There was a link to send a note to their customer service address , so I wrote one and sent it . Within a few minutes I had a response saying that though their office hours are 7 a . m . to 5 p . m . PST and though I was calling at 3 p . m . PST on a Wednesday afternoon , they were out of the office . The e - mail suggested I use the on - line option . I should have expected this . Today is " pie day " at Sutter , I thought . At the lunch yesterday they reminded us we could pick up our pies between 6 : 30 and 8 : 30 or later in the afternoon . I actually set my alarm so I could get to Sutter by 7 : 30 so we could have pumpkin pie for breakfast . But when I got to the hospital meeting room , nobody was there and there was no sign of pies . I went to the volunteers ' office to see if maybe the pies were there , but the sign on the wall for " pie day " says that it is tomorrow . So I got back in the car and started the iPod to continue listening to my book on the ride home , but there was no sound . Not on the audio book , nor on music , nor on anything . Obviously not my day . I was going to visit my mother , but it 's raining and it 's cold , so I 'm staying home . But I 'm nervous about touching anything mechanical for fear it won 't work . I did get the iPod working again , by essentially kicking it . Electronically , that is . I hooked it up to iTunes and played something from the iPod thru iTunes and when I disconnected from iTunes , it worked again , but it is clear that this beloved gadget is on its last legs . I have looked at replacement options on Amazon , but I really need to hold something in my hands and see if it is what I want / need . I did order something that I thought would work , but it turned out not to be compatible with iTunes or with Audible . com and since all I want the machine for is to play audio books , that won 't work , so I am returning my purchase and taking a credit . When the invitation to the Sutter Davis Hospital volunteers Christmas luncheon came , I didn 't think I was interested . This is not the " come and let us treat you to lunch as a thank you " lunch ( which comes about in the spring ) , this was the " pay big bucks and we can all eat together " lunch . The idea of eating at Cattlemen 's was pleasant . It 's a great steakhouse that I 've been able to visit a couple of times . They have fabulous beef and we almost never go there . So that was something in its favor . But there was that whole social anxiety thing that so often cripples me . But in the end I decided to go . I had enjoyed the free lunch last spring , though I was fairly new then and didn 't really know anybody by name . I had felt out of place , but enjoyed myself . So I sent in my money and today was the day . Of course , a good ol ' steakhouse like this comes with the thing that I hate . . . . dead animals on the wall . But I decided not to look up . We all gathered around the front table to sign in and then go find a seat . People were meeting friends and going off to tables . I decided to sit at an empty table and see if anyone would sit with me . I watched people I knew give me smiles before going off to a different table . I expected that this entry was going to be a " poor me , nobody likes me " entry , but then a woman asked if the seats were taken and she and her friend ( someone I actually knew ) sat with me , then a woman who talks to me all the time when she passes the information desk arrived and then a woman who used to teach our kids in grammar school joined the group with a woman I didn 't know but see all the time , and she always gives a cheery wave . So things were looking up . I 'm not sure why people order salmon at a beef restaurant , but there were only two of us who ordered the sirloin steak , which was delicious . Three of the women at the table are gift shop buyers and so there was lots of talk about that , but then I remembered that the ex - teacher had just traveled to Africa . I had seen some of her Facebook photos , and so I talked with her about that , the place I 've always wanted to visit and know now that I never will . I was feeling more comfortable . Cinderella , which we saw last weekend . The woman next to me asked if I write things about shows . I told her that I was the critic for the Davis Enterprise and that was an a - ha moment for most of them . It was like the time someone at a new theater asked if I was " The " Bev Sykes . Turns out they all read my stuff , which is quite humbling . Suddenly we had mutual things to talk about . They wanted to know how I got to be a critic , and the shows I 'd seen lately . It was about 5 minutes where I was in my element and my social anxiety melted away for the rest of lunch . ( When we were leaving one of the women said " we learned a lot about you today ! " ) I left feeling 100 % better than I had felt standing awkwardly on the porch of the restaurant waiting to be let in . I had to go from the restaurant to the hospital because I was working a half shift . The lobby was nicely decorated and after talking with the gift shop buyers , I had to check out the things in the gift shop . I was looking for a pair of Christmas earrings to replace the two pairs of earrings that I lost one earring from . I got a cute pair of package bows . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am !

I 've been trying to do this every year toward the end of December , so here goes . The whole questionnaire runs 50 questions . Part 1 ran on December 28 . I loved this book . Moss spent 13 years in Amboseli National Park , following elephants and observing their interactions , their behaviors , how they handle everything from birth to death . A great book for an elephant lover . That is a HUGE lettuce leaf that was folded in about fourths and stuck on her sandwich under the cheese . The wad of lettuce was easily half again as thick as the rest of the things in the sandwich , to say nothing of the big bulk of the actual fold . I sometimes wonder what goes on in that kitchen . I didn 't stay long this time , because of having to work at Logos , but just packed up her dirty laundry and came home . Today was L minus 4 . Only 4 more work days before my days at Logos end . It 's a bittersweet thing to contemplate on one hand , but on another nice to think of " having my Thursdays back . " Today wasn 't as busy as last week , but still busy . The first customer greeted me like a long - lost friend and commented that it had been a long time since we 'd seen each other . We had a nice chat about Atria and her friend with dementia . When she left I still didn 't have a clue who she was . She did buy a contemporary fiction and the woman with her , who must have been her mother ( because they looked so much alike ) , bought 2 contemporary fictions . An African American woman with a man I assumed was dark skinned Indian , since he had those Indian - from - India features . They looked in the children 's room and were disappointed not to find a book of Grimms fairy tales or anything by Hans Christian Anderson , since their son loves fairy tales . I have to keep reminding people that we are a used book store and our stock depends on what people donate . The store was filling up and I hadn 't seen this cute little dog come in . He was with a woman and a tall man in a black cowboy hat . The dog shrank back with his ears flat whenever the man talked to him . I wondered if he were a battered dog . A mom with 4 adult children came in . All looked around and mom bought a novel called " Samurai . " Then they all left . Soon one of the daughters returned with a bargain book and when she went back outside , another daughter came into buy a bargain book by James Patterson . . I had called Harrison , the store manager when Susan and Peter are out of town , to ask if he could relieve me a bit early . We had decided to do another family movie night , this time seeing La La Land at the theater just a block from Logos . This movie had a bit more of a crowd than last night 's Rogue One . It also had a better plot , more hummable music , and nothing exploded , so I liked it better . Strange new - fangled musical , but with the most incredible opening scene you are ever going to see ! When I picked up our > $ 100 prime rib the other day , I still hadn 't decided what I wanted to do for Christmas Eve dinner . It didn 't seem right just to have a " normal " dinner . But there were only going to be the two of us . Then I saw the crabs at the meat counter . A huge display of fresh Dungeness crab and I thought that would be the perfect dinner . Crab and French bread . Nectar of the gods . I got a nice sized crab , had them clean it and package it and I brought it home . And it was delicious . The perfect start to our decadent food weekend . After I finished my portion I realized I had forgotten to take a picture . ( And you know it doesn 't exist if you don 't have a picture on Facebook of something somewhere ! ) I went to get my cell phone to take this picture of the leftovers , but I didn 't see the phone . I didn 't feel like doing a search for it , so I just took the photo with my regular camera . But then I started looking for the phone . It is usually only in a handful of places . It 's on my desk , on the table next to my recliner , in my purse , or on the kitchen counter next to the charger . It was in none of those places . Then started to get worried . Could I have left it somewhere ? I went on Facebook and found that the last picture I posted was the one of the label on the prime rib package , and I hadn 't been out of the house since I got home from the store , so it had to be here . I started searching through everything , including emptying the garbage cans , going through the to - be - done laundry . I went through my purse at least 3 times ( and this baby is a BIG phone , so hard to miss in a purse ! ) I even downloaded the " Find My Phone " app but it didn 't work unless I set it up with the phone . It did tell me , however , that the iPad I was downloading the app to was located half a block from where it was sitting in my lap . Or a block away , it varied . It did not inspire faith in the app ! I was just sick . I love that phone and knew that there would be no replacement . . . it costs too much ! . . . but how could I lose it in the house . I had not been upstairs all afternoon . I hadn 't been in the living room either , though I searched there too . Finally I sat down at my computer and noticed a pile of " stuff " on top of the scanner and could not remember if I had looked through that or not , so I got up to do it . It wasn 't there , but the lid of the scanner was not flat with the scanner and that 's when I remembered I had taken a scan of the face of the phone because I was having problem with a game and hoped to get answers from the FB mind . Opened the scanner and there it was . I felt pretty dumb , but oh so relieved to have it back . We met the kids in Sacramento to see Rogue 1 tonight . Given the popularity of this latest installment of the Star Wars saga , we decided to get there early to avoid crowds . We need not have worried . Now bear in mind that the last Star Wars movie I attended was The Emperor Strikes Back in 1981 and I fell asleep in that so I 'm not of the Star Wars universe and got very little out of the film . My professional review is that if you like lots of CGI and battles , especially involving very large equipment , you 'll love it . If you aren 't into all that stuff , stay home . . . or go to see LaLa Land instead ! ( Jeri helpfully explained the plot to me at home . ) Then it was time to say goodbye . Tom , Laurel and the kids are heading back to Santa Barbara tomorrow and so our holiday together time is over . But it sure has been special ! I gave up making new year 's resolutions because it 's so depressing when I can 't stick with them . 6 . Where were you when 2016 began ? We lost several friends . Richard , our friend from the 1960s when our kids went to nursery school together ; Martha Dickman , heart of the Davis Comic Opera Company ( DCOC ) ; Arthur Sullivan , a wonderful man we had known for over 50 years after meeting him at the Lamplighters ; and Larry Fanning , also from DCOC , whom we had also known forever . Walt 's old boss and friend Charles Davis also died . The people who died , the people who disappeared without a trace , and especially lately my cousin Peach . Sure could use her to talk to about my mother . Heck , I even miss my sister for the same reason and she has been dead since 1971 . Nothing tremendous , but I am proud of managing to keep up with reviewing for two newspapers . I am officially a " writer . " Whoda thunk ? I was even interviewed on the local PBS station . The Atria Christmas saga started about a month ago when we met with the general manager and the woman who oversees the " inmates " of Atria about a statue that had been broken by the workers who had been around the place for weeks . Richard , the general manager was effusive in his apology and even though I told him they didn 't need to do anything , he insisted they must do something , like maybe putting Jeri and Phil up at a hotel while they are here or maybe they could treat us to dinner to make up for breaking the statue . He blanched a bit when I told him it would be 11 people but he was determined . Relief was all over him when I suggested that we have lunch there at Atria . He readily agreed and would see that we had the special dining room and they 'd do it up great for us . Just keep him posted about when and how many people . I didn 't hear from him so just to be sure that we had everything set up , two days ago I wrote to the " director of culinary " and explained everything to him , said we had Richard 's OK and that if he couldn 't talk with Richard , he could talk with Brianna , the woman in charge of " inmates " who had also been in on the discussion . I asked him to please confirm that he had received my email . I didn 't hear from him either . Then yesterday , when we went to see my mother for Christmas Richard was there , in Santa hat , driving inmates to church . I was so pleased to see him and said " so we 're all set for tomorrow , right ? " He didn 't have a clue what I was talking about and had not read my email from 2 weeks ago . But he would take care of it right away . He came back with the report that no , we could not have the separate dining room he had promised us because someone else had that , but they would set us up with a long table in the main dining room . When I got there today , I didn 't see any table set up and when Brianna made the mistake of walking by I got angry with her . She said essentially that wasn 't her business , but she would check for us . She later reported that they had set up a table and we were expected . It worked out fine , but I didn 't see anybody using the private dining room . Atria aside , it was a good day , except that the car wouldn 't start , so we had to ride over in Jeri & Phil 's rented Camero , which was truly not designed for 4 people . Fortunately it 's a short hop . While we waited for the others to arrive , Jeri helped my mother figure out who all the people on her new blanket are . That was good for a long time ! She 's still not sure she knows who they all are . We had agreed not to open gifts at my mother 's ( too confusing for her ) , but just give her the gifts that were hers . But Ned , who wasn 't feeling well and thought he would NOT go back to our house ( he later changed his mind ) had brought t - shirts for everyone . These were shirts he designed based on the movie he and Brianna made , called " Star Warts , Episode VII - 1 / 2 . " Naturally , there were photos . I am writing this at 2 a . m . At 9 p . m . last night , I was so tired I could barely move and so decided to chuck it all and go to sleep , knowing full well I would be awake around midnight . I actually didn 't get up until 1 a . m . and when I finish this , I hope I can go back to sleep . But it was a perfect day , so I 'm not complaining . Around noon , Walt and I went to Atria with my mother 's Christmas presents . She was in the dining room , so we left her presents in her apartment and joined her . We had coffee while she finished her meal , then we returned to the apartment , where she couldn 't understand why she had all those presents . Surely this wasn 't Christmas already . . I had brought her a box of See 's candy , some new lipstick , since she was out ( I found a deal on a set of lipsticks called " Wet and Wild , " which I thought was funny ) . And then the photo blanket I had made for her . I was most anxious to give her the blanket and get her reaction . She asked what she was supposed to do with it and I told her she could fold it up and put it on the couch for when she was gong to take a nap and she said " Now , see ? I didn 't understand a word you said . " I folded it up for her . Walt and I came home and he went off to a friend 's Christmas party . I stayed home to get things ready for our big dinner . I was VERY nervous about cooking my very first prime rib , especially after I picked it up yesterday . and saw the price . Walt 's comment " Just don 't burn it ! " Ned and Marta stopped by on their way to Marta 's family 's house for dinner . I had posted to Facebook that the one thing I forgot to get was horseradish . Ned responded that he had some and drop by the house on his way to the in - laws ' Christmas dinner , which he did . Crisis averted ( you can 't have prime rib without horseradish ! ) To make the roast the way I did it , you first coat it thickly with butter mixed with herbs and pepper , then sprinkle thickly with kosher salt and then put in a 500 degree oven for a period of time depending on the weight . Our weight was 7 . 39 lbs , which you multiply by 5 and then round up to discover that it had to cook at 500 degrees for exactly 37 minutes . Then you turn the oven off and don 't even look at it for 2 hours . At the end of 2 hours you have a perfect rare to medium rare roast , just the way we like it . And hot damn ! It worked ! The meat was perfectly cooked and by the time it comes out of the oven it is serving temperature ( and you don 't need to let it rest , because it has been resting for 2 hours ) . Jeri and Phil arrived in their rented Camero convertible . We sat and chatted while the roast did its thing in the oven . And then it was time to eat . I can honestly say this was the very easiest fancy dinner I have ever put together . I held my breath when I cut the first slice of the roast , but it was perfect . Outer edges medium rare , interior rare , rare , rare . Could not have been better Dessert was a cheesecake with a caramel topping , which I got from a Pioneer Woman broadcast earlier this week . . I love cheesecake , but this was too sweet even for me . If I ever make it again , it will be without the caramel topping . And then it was over . We cleared the table , I loaded the dishwasher , Jeri and Phil who are on Boston time , headed off to bed , and I collapsed . It is now 3 : 30 and I think I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours . We still have Atria Christmas , with Tom and his family to go this morning . How THAT came about till have to wait until tomorrow . There is another Atria saga involved . I have written an annual letter since 1965 . Several years ago , I made it an on - line version and mail out links to about 140 people . I mail to a handful of folks who do not have email . 5 . Describe your typical tree ( size , decorations , type ) . If you don 't have a tree , do you decorate and if so , tell us about it . ( If you don 't decorate make up a story here … ) It varies . Used to be we opened family gifts in the morning and extended family at night . Now it 's just Walt and me , so we open from each other in the morning and wait for whenever the kids can get here to open the rest . Yes several times . My favorite time was when we did it on the cable car in San Francisco with a bunch of professional singers . The last time we went caroling it was here in Davis with a handful of people with kazoos . I ice skated a little bit when I was in grammar school and took lessons . I could not skate now if my life depended on it . I don 't think I 've skated since high school . 21 . Are we crazy for thinking that the holiday season is WAY too commercial ? 24 . What 's your favorite thing about the holidays ? Family being all together , which is why I have had such a difficult time the last few years . Family is scattered , 2 kids are dead , and my mother doesn 't even know what month it is , let alone that it is Christmas . The Davis Enterprise released names of the winners of the annual town house decorating contest . As usual ( and not at all surprisingly ) , the top prize went to my old boss , Derrick Bang , who used to be the entertainment editor of the Enterprise for many years , until he fell victim to a downsizing . When Walt picked me up at Logos , it was dark and we decided to go out checking house lights ourselves . . . . and it would give me a chance to test out the quality of the new cell phone camera . It 's easy to see how this would be difficult to beat ! But I love watching it every year . Inside the house is even more spectacular , minus the lights , but it starts with a floor to ceiling tree right inside the door that is decorated with nothing but Peanuts ornaments . In the years when he was entertainment editor , he had a party each Christmas for the entertainment staff and one of the party games was to check the whole house and see how many Snoopys you could find ( usually somewhere short of 100 , including pictures , stuffed animals , ornaments , statues , etc . ) Derrick is the author of this and many other books about the Peanuts cartoons and Charles Schulz . He was also part of the building and opening of the Charles Schulz museum in Sonoma . My big coup was that on the flight back from Australia in 2003 , I was able to get a Qantas Snoopy ( which they were giving to kids ) which he did NOT have in his collection , though he has a gazillion stuffed Snoopys . At Logos last week , I had a whopping total of 3 sales , with a few other customers in the store . Normally I write notes on a quarter sheet of paper , an 8 - 12 x 11 piece of paper torn into 4ths . In a normal week , I fill four sheets of paper . Yesterday , when Walt arrived to pick me up I had just started my EIGHTH sheet of paper . It was last minute gift buying day ! Susan tells me that we sold $ 399 worth of books ! I needed to go to the bank , which is across the street from Logos . I 'm so frustrated . I have used my pin on ATM machines for over 10 years and suddenly it 's just . . gone . I know the four numbers , but I cannot for the life of me get them in the right order , so I have to deposit a check at the bank and get my pin switched . I had hoped to do that before working , but we left the house a little too late so I was going to ask Sandy if she could stay just a bit longer , but her wife was there with their granddaughter , so I didn 't . Thinking the store was empty we were talking quite openly about our latest favorite subject : the upcoming Trump presidency . Today we were talking about his decision to up our nuclear capabilities and what a danger that was after decades , ever since the Sainted Ronald Reagan , of working to reduce nuclear arms around the world . It 's probably not the conversation we would have had with customers in the store , but suddenly this very tall guy with a French accent appeared , making a statement about France 's nuclear capabilities . That was a surprise ! 3 women came in , looking like mom , daughter , and grandma . Grandma had kind of a sour look and said loudly ' What are we DOING here ? " I couldn 't tell if she was being funny . . . or if maybe she was like my mother , who would probably wonder the same thing . The mom bought a book of ancient civilizations of somewhere I can 't remember and the daughter bought a history of Greece . A portly red - headed bearded guy searing a Bob Marley shirt under his dark corduroy jacket had worn - looking shoes with toes that turned up almost like those of elves . His rumpled jeans dragged on the floor over his shoes . He wore his sun glasses on top of his head and he spent a long time looking through the literature and the history sections , but ultimately didn 't buy anything . A man arrived with an armload of wrapped Christmas packages . I said " Oh you shouldn 't have " and he gave a small smile at my pathetic joke . He bought a big coffee table book on the Bayeux tapestry from the window display . A woman came in with a bargain book and asked for directions to a news store . I told her how to get to Newsbeat , just a couple of blocks away . She asked if she could leave the book there and get it later , which I said she could do . I had told her to turn right out of the store ; she turned left and I never saw her again . 5 people entered at the same time , groups of two and three . The two , kind of swarthy looking men with head bands , left quickly , while the 3 women stayed longer and laughed a lot . A man bought a contemporary fiction book . His right arm , I noticed , was heavily tattooed ( I suspect they were henna tattoos ) with the letters spelling YOKE on his fingers and ornate flowers covering all the skin I could see . A woman named Carol J brought in an armload of 10 bargain books , paid for them , and left them behind to pick up later She met a friend outside as she was leaving and the friend was picking her own stack of bargain books ( 7 of them ) . She returned an hour or so later for her books and bought a book on Van Gogh for $ 7 , which was teeny compared to the bargain books she had purchased . She also bought a kids ' Christmas book . A woman bought three kids books , including " The Phantom Tollbooth . " The total came to about $ 7 but I kept screwing up the cash register and at first had her owing > $ 20 . I finally got it right on the third try . A woman asked if we sold gift certificates , and since I didn 't find any blanks in the drawer , I guessed that we no longer did . Another Logos tradition leaving . The woman bought three personal growth books , including one by Edgar Cayce , the " sleeping prophet , " the " father of holistic medicine , " and the most documented psychic of the 20th century . A striking tall woman in a long white coat with a long scarf around her neck and a regal bearing entered , looking for " coffee table books . " She looked like what I would imagine Kay Scarpetta looking like , if Scarpetta were taller . The woman was pleased to find three books , one on Scorsese , one on Humphrey Bogart and one on movies of the 20th century ( I think this last book was one I donated ) . Laffing Sal 's nicer sister . She bought a book on Pancho Villa and had lots of interesting things to tell me about Villa 's son , who apparently grew up in Hayward , CA and didn 't know he was related to Villa until he was an adult ( " Villa had kids all over the place , " she said ) . While she was talking to me another customer ( Carol J from earlier in the day ) stood right next to her having a conversation on her cell phone , making no effort to lower her voice or move out of the way . Another man came in wanting to know about the future of Logos . The last customer bought anther coffee table book and also talked about the future of the store . Amazing how many people have come to love the store and are very concerned about what will happen when Susan and Peter retire . We innocently walked into the Verizon store to see about getting me an upgraded phone , since mine died last night ( " screen death , " they say ) . Two and a half hours later we walked out with 2 new phones and two Samsung tablets . We either got an incredible deal , or these guys are the best gol - durn used car salesmen in town . We were easy pickin 's . There were actually five guys and for the first two hours , we were the only customers . We apparently happened upon one of Verizon 's best sales in the history of Verizon and we could get an iPhone 7 ( which I did not expect to buy , knowing how expensive it is ) for me , a new Samsung for Walt ( they would buy back his 2 year old phone ) , cut our monthly payment in half , and throw in two Samsung tablets just for ducks . And the total we paid today was less than half the price I 've seen for the iPhone 7 alone . One of the guys was supposedly just learning how it all worked , so the manager did a lot of the computer . The paperwork went on forever , Walt signed a dozen agreements ( half for him , half for me ) they downloaded some apps for me until I told them I could do it myself . And , as I said , we walked out after 2 - 1 / 2 hours dazed and with so many bags one of the guy carried our bags out to the sidewalk for us . While Walt was signing papers , I was testing out the new camera ( which is amazing ) and texting pix off to Jeri and Ned , the only two email addresses I could remember without double checking . I also set up the alarm clock that rings every day at 9 : 30 to remind me to take my pills and installed Word with Friends . And then out to the car to test out our new toys . We tried out the bluetooth and couldn 't figure out how to configure it and decided it was kind of silly to be parked just a few blocks from the house trying to figure out how our new phones worked . Needless to say , am happy as a clam to have a working phone again . . . and to be able to play Word with Friends on my cell phone again . There is also a big learning curve ahead of me , I know , but I 'm looking forward to it . Of course the iPhone 7 for Dummies that was on sale today for Kindle was ordered ( $ 3 ) and has not been delivered . Sigh . I didn 't have a lot of time to play with the phone at home because I had to get over to Atria and make sure my other got to her hair appointment . I had the usual struggle with her . How did I know she wanted to get her hair done ? How could she go when she had no checkbook , and what was I doing with her checkbook anyway . What if she wanted to write a check . And did she really have to go to the beauty parlor Even she thought so . I also took a photo of her hair from the BACK . She is always complaining about people in the dining room who have beautiful curly hair and she has told me all of my life how disgusted she is when she looks at my hair because she ways wanted curly hair and never had it . I thought she would like this photo : I had lunch with my friend Joan and Nancy today . We lunch periodically when the political scene is overwhelming and we need to talk about it . I realized today that we 've been doing this for about 12 years . This was easy to figure out because we were first Bashing Bush Babes , perhaps after Bush 's re - election . We met maybe once a month to let off steam . We couldn 't do this on a regular basis because Nancy 's schedule is so crazy and she is often out of town . Meet Bartholomew . Nancy found him at Costco and couldn 't resist , thinking he would be wonderful to give to some children 's home . Only so far nobody wants him , so for the nonce , he is going to stay at the University Retirement Community ( URC ) , where Joan lives , and sit next to their Christmas tree . When Christmas is over , Nancy hopes to give him to the library for their children 's section . What a great place for a little kid to sit and read . We could easily have spent another hour at lunch , but I had to get home so I could get to Logos . The person I relieved today was someone I had not met before . When I said I was there to relieve her , she said " No , you aren 't . I don 't feel relieved at all . " She was an interesting person who , I thought , had interesting lace across the top of her shirt until I realized it was a shoulder - to - shoulder tattoo of tongues of fire rising up off of her chest . It was a rainy day and she had a light morning , but the rain was coming down harder and I had the lightest day ever . I think I made five sales . Things started off just fine , with a guy wearing a North Face jacket buying a coffee table book about mountain climbing . He said it would be perfect gift for a friend of his . Believe it or not , I didn 't have another customer until my friend arrived . He was an hour earlier than usual and said he wanted to come in early before the traffic got crazy ( he drives in from Sacramento to meet with a group of guys every week ) . We chatted more than usual . He said he will be gone now until January . He bought a book of Japanese literature and a book abut code breakers in World War II . Some time after this my cell phone crashed . I went to play my " 4 Words " game to pass the time and the screen froze . It has done this before . You can 't move anything and can 't even turn off the phone . I finally stopped trying and just let it turn itself off and now it won 't turn on . You can call the phone and it rings , but you can 't answer it . I phone recognizes it , but that 's it . Because I can see what is on in the photo files , even if I can 't open the phone , this morning I moved all of the photos on the phone to my hard drive so I don 't lose them . We are actually , be still my heart , going to buy me a new one today . A woman came in and walked purposefully to the back , was there a couple of minutes and then left . A business man came in to drop off a letter for Peter and Susan . The last customer for me was a couple , the guy in a yarmulke and either prayer shawl or neck scarf ( hard to tell which one ! ) who bought a book by Voltaire . His female companion , with her close fit black pants and her boots , as well as just her bearing , looked like she must be an equestrian . And then it was over . Walt came by , dripping wet , and we walked the two blocks to where he had parked the car I had not brought my rain jacket with me , but wasn 't all that wet when we finally got to the car . It would have been lovely to have come home and curled up in the lap of a big bear named Bartholomew ! I don 't listen to music much any more . I don 't have a real genre . I don 't really like rock . I enjoy old folk music like John Denver or the Kingston trio . I like show tunes a lot ( since I 'm a critic , I see a lot of musicals ) . I enjoy classical music , but not as much as I used to . List your three favorite scents . Sigh . This question again . The smell of the sea , puppy breath , and fresh ground coffee . I also like the smell of acetone , rubbing alcohol , Vicks and gasoline . Share something difficult you 've been through . How much time do you have ? The death of my two sons ( 1996 and 1999 ) , the grieving periods following the death of my best friend and my cousin , who was more like my sister . And right now , watching my mother 's dementia eat away her brain . Oh my yes ! I write lots of letters ( mostly to the 29 kids I sponsor around the world ) and my granddaughters , and receive letters from all of them . Even with her dementia , my mother is proud of the fact that she never writes letters . I 'd like to revisit the 1950s and find out why I thought it was such a good time when it was not good at all for an awful lot of people ( I suspect I thought they were good because I was a young white girl living in a white neighborhood . , We weren 't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination , but if my family had money worries , I didn 't know about them . Politics was not discussed in our house , so I never knew what was going on in the world . I lived in blissful ignorance . If you could be immortal or have an extremely long life span which would you pick and why ? Neither . Immortality would be terrible . You 'd spend your entire life saying goodbye to loved ones . And , watching my mother deteriorate at age 97 , that doesn 't hold any appeal for me either . Just let me go to sleep some night and not wake up . Maybe I 'll find old friends on the other side . Sinking into my recliner , turning on the television , and NOT seeing anything about Donald Trump . If you have one , name a favorite book & movie . Favorite book , " Prince of Tides . " Favorite movie , " A Star Is Born " ( 1954 , with Judy Garland ) Walt has had a beard for at least 40 years or more . I won 't let him shave it . We have compromised on a goatee . Does that answer your question ? Why does it hurt ? I happened , quite by accident , to see the " blogs I follow " list of someone I have known and followed for many years and on whose list I always showed up , but I 'm not there any more , though I continue to follow her blog and have since the beginning . I am grateful to everyone who follows Funny the World , but I guess there is a sell - by day for old friends . Heck , sometimes I even bore me ! Welcome to Saturday 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! 2 ) Drivers in snowy climes are encouraged to keep salt , sand or kitty litter in the trunk because those items can help a car regain traction in the snow . Do you have an emergency kit in your car right now ? If so , what 's in it ? 4 ) Chionophobia is the fear of snow . Astraphobia is the fear of thunder and lightening . Lilapsophobia is the fear of tornadoes and hurricanes . Do you have to cope with any of these fears ? 5 ) Elvis ' daughter Lisa Marie split her childhood between Memphis and Los Angeles , so she seldom saw snow . When she was a little girl , she was whisked her off to Denver in her father 's private plane so the two of them could spend an afternoon playing in the snow . If you could take off and spend the afternoon anywhere in the world , where would you go ? Well , " anywhere in the world " is silly unless you are going somewhere close , like Memphis to Denver . If I wanted to spend the afternoon in London , that 's a 12 hour flight . , if I wanted to go to Australia or Africa , the afternoon would be over and I 'd still be on the plane . But if I had a transporter or Tardis , I wouldn 't mind going on an African photo safari before dinner back home again . 6 ) At home and onstage , Elvis refused to wear jeans and only wore denim if a film role demanded it . This is because when he was young , classmates teased him for " dressing poor " in jeans and coveralls . What did you wear to class when you were in grammar school ? My aunt was apparently the first woman granted a pilot 's license in California . My great uncle ( and godfather ) was a champion 6 days bicycle racer . Another great uncle came within one fight of being feather weight boxing champion . My grandparents were in vaudeville , and my grandfather was an Irish tenor in a barbershop quartet . No problem . Steak . I don 't like either caviar or lobster ( and the thought of killing a live lobster turns my stomach , though I wouldn 't mind having someone kill a Dungeness crab for me ! ( And BTW , I suspect 5 lbs of steak would be by far the cheapest of the choices ) In this day where everything is automated and computerized , trying to deal with a human being is nearly impossible . Even if you CAN get to a human being , they refer you back to their on - line site because it 's so much easier . For them . Today I had 3 bills to pay for my mother . Somehow she managed to " misplace " 2 months of telephone bills , which I just found on her coffee table this week . Her phone had already been disconnected . I don 't know what happens with her papers . She gets volumes from Atria in a week and I go through them and toss out the outdated ones and get everything organized and then a week later I will find more notices from 6 months ago . I called AT & T but before they could help me I had to either give them her 3 - digit account number or the last 4 digits of her social security number . I didn 't have the SS number so I put in the account number , which was not recognized . I 'm holding the bloody bill in my hand and reading the numbers , but they don 't recognize them . So I went to Atria and got her SS card and copied down the number . I went back to AT & T and they don 't recognize that number either . I finally called customer " service " and after a quite lengthy wait on line , while I was told many times how easy their on - line service was , I eventually reached a human being , who didn 't want to accept payment from me until they could have my mother verify that it was OK for me to pay her bill for her . I explained that she was 97 and had dementia and threatened to call back and pretend I was my mother . She finally , reluctantly , agreed to let me pay her bill . The second bill was easier . It was her portion of the ~ $ 2 , 500 bill for her 3 block ambulance ride to the Emergency Room the last time she was sent there . Her portion was $ 125 , which makes you realize why you pay for health insurance . It 's for unexpected times like these ! But I wrote the check and mailed it . The third bill was her co - pay for the $ 7 , 701 charges for her 2 hours in the emergency room . Her portion ? $ 50 . Again , thank God for Kaiser . I cringe whenever I pay these bills because I know that she does not really need to go to the ER , but the one time I say " don 't take her " will be the one time when her unconsciousness turns out to be a stroke . So we pay . So I called . And I waited . And I got a recording saying to say to type in her account number . It wasn 't recognized . I finally got through to a person who could help me and , not surprisingly , she encouraged paying on line . I explained my difficulty and that I could not log in and could not start an account . She said I could log in and pay as " guest " and that she could guide me , so I got the web site up on my computer and it was , indeed , quite simple . She got me through the first couple of screens and all I had to do was put in the credit card number . I thanked my guide for her help and she hung up . There was a link to send a note to their customer service address , so I wrote one and sent it . Within a few minutes I had a response saying that though their office hours are 7 a . m . to 5 p . m . PST and though I was calling at 3 p . m . PST on a Wednesday afternoon , they were out of the office . The e - mail suggested I use the on - line option . I should have expected this . Today is " pie day " at Sutter , I thought . At the lunch yesterday they reminded us we could pick up our pies between 6 : 30 and 8 : 30 or later in the afternoon . I actually set my alarm so I could get to Sutter by 7 : 30 so we could have pumpkin pie for breakfast . But when I got to the hospital meeting room , nobody was there and there was no sign of pies . I went to the volunteers ' office to see if maybe the pies were there , but the sign on the wall for " pie day " says that it is tomorrow . So I got back in the car and started the iPod to continue listening to my book on the ride home , but there was no sound . Not on the audio book , nor on music , nor on anything . Obviously not my day . I was going to visit my mother , but it 's raining and it 's cold , so I 'm staying home . But I 'm nervous about touching anything mechanical for fear it won 't work . I did get the iPod working again , by essentially kicking it . Electronically , that is . I hooked it up to iTunes and played something from the iPod thru iTunes and when I disconnected from iTunes , it worked again , but it is clear that this beloved gadget is on its last legs . I have looked at replacement options on Amazon , but I really need to hold something in my hands and see if it is what I want / need . I did order something that I thought would work , but it turned out not to be compatible with iTunes or with Audible . com and since all I want the machine for is to play audio books , that won 't work , so I am returning my purchase and taking a credit . When the invitation to the Sutter Davis Hospital volunteers Christmas luncheon came , I didn 't think I was interested . This is not the " come and let us treat you to lunch as a thank you " lunch ( which comes about in the spring ) , this was the " pay big bucks and we can all eat together " lunch . The idea of eating at Cattlemen 's was pleasant . It 's a great steakhouse that I 've been able to visit a couple of times . They have fabulous beef and we almost never go there . So that was something in its favor . But there was that whole social anxiety thing that so often cripples me . But in the end I decided to go . I had enjoyed the free lunch last spring , though I was fairly new then and didn 't really know anybody by name . I had felt out of place , but enjoyed myself . So I sent in my money and today was the day . Of course , a good ol ' steakhouse like this comes with the thing that I hate . . . . dead animals on the wall . But I decided not to look up . We all gathered around the front table to sign in and then go find a seat . People were meeting friends and going off to tables . I decided to sit at an empty table and see if anyone would sit with me . I watched people I knew give me smiles before going off to a different table . I expected that this entry was going to be a " poor me , nobody likes me " entry , but then a woman asked if the seats were taken and she and her friend ( someone I actually knew ) sat with me , then a woman who talks to me all the time when she passes the information desk arrived and then a woman who used to teach our kids in grammar school joined the group with a woman I didn 't know but see all the time , and she always gives a cheery wave . So things were looking up . I 'm not sure why people order salmon at a beef restaurant , but there were only two of us who ordered the sirloin steak , which was delicious . Three of the women at the table are gift shop buyers and so there was lots of talk about that , but then I remembered that the ex - teacher had just traveled to Africa . I had seen some of her Facebook photos , and so I talked with her about that , the place I 've always wanted to visit and know now that I never will . I was feeling more comfortable . Cinderella , which we saw last weekend . The woman next to me asked if I write things about shows . I told her that I was the critic for the Davis Enterprise and that was an a - ha moment for most of them . It was like the time someone at a new theater asked if I was " The " Bev Sykes . Turns out they all read my stuff , which is quite humbling . Suddenly we had mutual things to talk about . They wanted to know how I got to be a critic , and the shows I 'd seen lately . It was about 5 minutes where I was in my element and my social anxiety melted away for the rest of lunch . ( When we were leaving one of the women said " we learned a lot about you today ! " ) I left feeling 100 % better than I had felt standing awkwardly on the porch of the restaurant waiting to be let in . I had to go from the restaurant to the hospital because I was working a half shift . The lobby was nicely decorated and after talking with the gift shop buyers , I had to check out the things in the gift shop . I was looking for a pair of Christmas earrings to replace the two pairs of earrings that I lost one earring from . I got a cute pair of package bows . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am !

I 've been trying to do this every year toward the end of December , so here goes . The whole questionnaire runs 50 questions . Part 1 ran on December 28 . I loved this book . Moss spent 13 years in Amboseli National Park , following elephants and observing their interactions , their behaviors , how they handle everything from birth to death . A great book for an elephant lover . That is a HUGE lettuce leaf that was folded in about fourths and stuck on her sandwich under the cheese . The wad of lettuce was easily half again as thick as the rest of the things in the sandwich , to say nothing of the big bulk of the actual fold . I sometimes wonder what goes on in that kitchen . I didn 't stay long this time , because of having to work at Logos , but just packed up her dirty laundry and came home . Today was L minus 4 . Only 4 more work days before my days at Logos end . It 's a bittersweet thing to contemplate on one hand , but on another nice to think of " having my Thursdays back . " Today wasn 't as busy as last week , but still busy . The first customer greeted me like a long - lost friend and commented that it had been a long time since we 'd seen each other . We had a nice chat about Atria and her friend with dementia . When she left I still didn 't have a clue who she was . She did buy a contemporary fiction and the woman with her , who must have been her mother ( because they looked so much alike ) , bought 2 contemporary fictions . An African American woman with a man I assumed was dark skinned Indian , since he had those Indian - from - India features . They looked in the children 's room and were disappointed not to find a book of Grimms fairy tales or anything by Hans Christian Anderson , since their son loves fairy tales . I have to keep reminding people that we are a used book store and our stock depends on what people donate . The store was filling up and I hadn 't seen this cute little dog come in . He was with a woman and a tall man in a black cowboy hat . The dog shrank back with his ears flat whenever the man talked to him . I wondered if he were a battered dog . A mom with 4 adult children came in . All looked around and mom bought a novel called " Samurai . " Then they all left . Soon one of the daughters returned with a bargain book and when she went back outside , another daughter came into buy a bargain book by James Patterson . . I had called Harrison , the store manager when Susan and Peter are out of town , to ask if he could relieve me a bit early . We had decided to do another family movie night , this time seeing La La Land at the theater just a block from Logos . This movie had a bit more of a crowd than last night 's Rogue One . It also had a better plot , more hummable music , and nothing exploded , so I liked it better . Strange new - fangled musical , but with the most incredible opening scene you are ever going to see ! When I picked up our > $ 100 prime rib the other day , I still hadn 't decided what I wanted to do for Christmas Eve dinner . It didn 't seem right just to have a " normal " dinner . But there were only going to be the two of us . Then I saw the crabs at the meat counter . A huge display of fresh Dungeness crab and I thought that would be the perfect dinner . Crab and French bread . Nectar of the gods . I got a nice sized crab , had them clean it and package it and I brought it home . And it was delicious . The perfect start to our decadent food weekend . After I finished my portion I realized I had forgotten to take a picture . ( And you know it doesn 't exist if you don 't have a picture on Facebook of something somewhere ! ) I went to get my cell phone to take this picture of the leftovers , but I didn 't see the phone . I didn 't feel like doing a search for it , so I just took the photo with my regular camera . But then I started looking for the phone . It is usually only in a handful of places . It 's on my desk , on the table next to my recliner , in my purse , or on the kitchen counter next to the charger . It was in none of those places . Then started to get worried . Could I have left it somewhere ? I went on Facebook and found that the last picture I posted was the one of the label on the prime rib package , and I hadn 't been out of the house since I got home from the store , so it had to be here . I started searching through everything , including emptying the garbage cans , going through the to - be - done laundry . I went through my purse at least 3 times ( and this baby is a BIG phone , so hard to miss in a purse ! ) I even downloaded the " Find My Phone " app but it didn 't work unless I set it up with the phone . It did tell me , however , that the iPad I was downloading the app to was located half a block from where it was sitting in my lap . Or a block away , it varied . It did not inspire faith in the app ! I was just sick . I love that phone and knew that there would be no replacement . . . it costs too much ! . . . but how could I lose it in the house . I had not been upstairs all afternoon . I hadn 't been in the living room either , though I searched there too . Finally I sat down at my computer and noticed a pile of " stuff " on top of the scanner and could not remember if I had looked through that or not , so I got up to do it . It wasn 't there , but the lid of the scanner was not flat with the scanner and that 's when I remembered I had taken a scan of the face of the phone because I was having problem with a game and hoped to get answers from the FB mind . Opened the scanner and there it was . I felt pretty dumb , but oh so relieved to have it back . We met the kids in Sacramento to see Rogue 1 tonight . Given the popularity of this latest installment of the Star Wars saga , we decided to get there early to avoid crowds . We need not have worried . Now bear in mind that the last Star Wars movie I attended was The Emperor Strikes Back in 1981 and I fell asleep in that so I 'm not of the Star Wars universe and got very little out of the film . My professional review is that if you like lots of CGI and battles , especially involving very large equipment , you 'll love it . If you aren 't into all that stuff , stay home . . . or go to see LaLa Land instead ! ( Jeri helpfully explained the plot to me at home . ) Then it was time to say goodbye . Tom , Laurel and the kids are heading back to Santa Barbara tomorrow and so our holiday together time is over . But it sure has been special ! I gave up making new year 's resolutions because it 's so depressing when I can 't stick with them . 6 . Where were you when 2016 began ? We lost several friends . Richard , our friend from the 1960s when our kids went to nursery school together ; Martha Dickman , heart of the Davis Comic Opera Company ( DCOC ) ; Arthur Sullivan , a wonderful man we had known for over 50 years after meeting him at the Lamplighters ; and Larry Fanning , also from DCOC , whom we had also known forever . Walt 's old boss and friend Charles Davis also died . The people who died , the people who disappeared without a trace , and especially lately my cousin Peach . Sure could use her to talk to about my mother . Heck , I even miss my sister for the same reason and she has been dead since 1971 . Nothing tremendous , but I am proud of managing to keep up with reviewing for two newspapers . I am officially a " writer . " Whoda thunk ? I was even interviewed on the local PBS station . The Atria Christmas saga started about a month ago when we met with the general manager and the woman who oversees the " inmates " of Atria about a statue that had been broken by the workers who had been around the place for weeks . Richard , the general manager was effusive in his apology and even though I told him they didn 't need to do anything , he insisted they must do something , like maybe putting Jeri and Phil up at a hotel while they are here or maybe they could treat us to dinner to make up for breaking the statue . He blanched a bit when I told him it would be 11 people but he was determined . Relief was all over him when I suggested that we have lunch there at Atria . He readily agreed and would see that we had the special dining room and they 'd do it up great for us . Just keep him posted about when and how many people . I didn 't hear from him so just to be sure that we had everything set up , two days ago I wrote to the " director of culinary " and explained everything to him , said we had Richard 's OK and that if he couldn 't talk with Richard , he could talk with Brianna , the woman in charge of " inmates " who had also been in on the discussion . I asked him to please confirm that he had received my email . I didn 't hear from him either . Then yesterday , when we went to see my mother for Christmas Richard was there , in Santa hat , driving inmates to church . I was so pleased to see him and said " so we 're all set for tomorrow , right ? " He didn 't have a clue what I was talking about and had not read my email from 2 weeks ago . But he would take care of it right away . He came back with the report that no , we could not have the separate dining room he had promised us because someone else had that , but they would set us up with a long table in the main dining room . When I got there today , I didn 't see any table set up and when Brianna made the mistake of walking by I got angry with her . She said essentially that wasn 't her business , but she would check for us . She later reported that they had set up a table and we were expected . It worked out fine , but I didn 't see anybody using the private dining room . Atria aside , it was a good day , except that the car wouldn 't start , so we had to ride over in Jeri & Phil 's rented Camero , which was truly not designed for 4 people . Fortunately it 's a short hop . While we waited for the others to arrive , Jeri helped my mother figure out who all the people on her new blanket are . That was good for a long time ! She 's still not sure she knows who they all are . We had agreed not to open gifts at my mother 's ( too confusing for her ) , but just give her the gifts that were hers . But Ned , who wasn 't feeling well and thought he would NOT go back to our house ( he later changed his mind ) had brought t - shirts for everyone . These were shirts he designed based on the movie he and Brianna made , called " Star Warts , Episode VII - 1 / 2 . " Naturally , there were photos . I am writing this at 2 a . m . At 9 p . m . last night , I was so tired I could barely move and so decided to chuck it all and go to sleep , knowing full well I would be awake around midnight . I actually didn 't get up until 1 a . m . and when I finish this , I hope I can go back to sleep . But it was a perfect day , so I 'm not complaining . Around noon , Walt and I went to Atria with my mother 's Christmas presents . She was in the dining room , so we left her presents in her apartment and joined her . We had coffee while she finished her meal , then we returned to the apartment , where she couldn 't understand why she had all those presents . Surely this wasn 't Christmas already . . I had brought her a box of See 's candy , some new lipstick , since she was out ( I found a deal on a set of lipsticks called " Wet and Wild , " which I thought was funny ) . And then the photo blanket I had made for her . I was most anxious to give her the blanket and get her reaction . She asked what she was supposed to do with it and I told her she could fold it up and put it on the couch for when she was gong to take a nap and she said " Now , see ? I didn 't understand a word you said . " I folded it up for her . Walt and I came home and he went off to a friend 's Christmas party . I stayed home to get things ready for our big dinner . I was VERY nervous about cooking my very first prime rib , especially after I picked it up yesterday . and saw the price . Walt 's comment " Just don 't burn it ! " Ned and Marta stopped by on their way to Marta 's family 's house for dinner . I had posted to Facebook that the one thing I forgot to get was horseradish . Ned responded that he had some and drop by the house on his way to the in - laws ' Christmas dinner , which he did . Crisis averted ( you can 't have prime rib without horseradish ! ) To make the roast the way I did it , you first coat it thickly with butter mixed with herbs and pepper , then sprinkle thickly with kosher salt and then put in a 500 degree oven for a period of time depending on the weight . Our weight was 7 . 39 lbs , which you multiply by 5 and then round up to discover that it had to cook at 500 degrees for exactly 37 minutes . Then you turn the oven off and don 't even look at it for 2 hours . At the end of 2 hours you have a perfect rare to medium rare roast , just the way we like it . And hot damn ! It worked ! The meat was perfectly cooked and by the time it comes out of the oven it is serving temperature ( and you don 't need to let it rest , because it has been resting for 2 hours ) . Jeri and Phil arrived in their rented Camero convertible . We sat and chatted while the roast did its thing in the oven . And then it was time to eat . I can honestly say this was the very easiest fancy dinner I have ever put together . I held my breath when I cut the first slice of the roast , but it was perfect . Outer edges medium rare , interior rare , rare , rare . Could not have been better Dessert was a cheesecake with a caramel topping , which I got from a Pioneer Woman broadcast earlier this week . . I love cheesecake , but this was too sweet even for me . If I ever make it again , it will be without the caramel topping . And then it was over . We cleared the table , I loaded the dishwasher , Jeri and Phil who are on Boston time , headed off to bed , and I collapsed . It is now 3 : 30 and I think I can go back to sleep for a couple of hours . We still have Atria Christmas , with Tom and his family to go this morning . How THAT came about till have to wait until tomorrow . There is another Atria saga involved . I have written an annual letter since 1965 . Several years ago , I made it an on - line version and mail out links to about 140 people . I mail to a handful of folks who do not have email . 5 . Describe your typical tree ( size , decorations , type ) . If you don 't have a tree , do you decorate and if so , tell us about it . ( If you don 't decorate make up a story here … ) It varies . Used to be we opened family gifts in the morning and extended family at night . Now it 's just Walt and me , so we open from each other in the morning and wait for whenever the kids can get here to open the rest . Yes several times . My favorite time was when we did it on the cable car in San Francisco with a bunch of professional singers . The last time we went caroling it was here in Davis with a handful of people with kazoos . I ice skated a little bit when I was in grammar school and took lessons . I could not skate now if my life depended on it . I don 't think I 've skated since high school . 21 . Are we crazy for thinking that the holiday season is WAY too commercial ? 24 . What 's your favorite thing about the holidays ? Family being all together , which is why I have had such a difficult time the last few years . Family is scattered , 2 kids are dead , and my mother doesn 't even know what month it is , let alone that it is Christmas . The Davis Enterprise released names of the winners of the annual town house decorating contest . As usual ( and not at all surprisingly ) , the top prize went to my old boss , Derrick Bang , who used to be the entertainment editor of the Enterprise for many years , until he fell victim to a downsizing . When Walt picked me up at Logos , it was dark and we decided to go out checking house lights ourselves . . . . and it would give me a chance to test out the quality of the new cell phone camera . It 's easy to see how this would be difficult to beat ! But I love watching it every year . Inside the house is even more spectacular , minus the lights , but it starts with a floor to ceiling tree right inside the door that is decorated with nothing but Peanuts ornaments . In the years when he was entertainment editor , he had a party each Christmas for the entertainment staff and one of the party games was to check the whole house and see how many Snoopys you could find ( usually somewhere short of 100 , including pictures , stuffed animals , ornaments , statues , etc . ) Derrick is the author of this and many other books about the Peanuts cartoons and Charles Schulz . He was also part of the building and opening of the Charles Schulz museum in Sonoma . My big coup was that on the flight back from Australia in 2003 , I was able to get a Qantas Snoopy ( which they were giving to kids ) which he did NOT have in his collection , though he has a gazillion stuffed Snoopys . At Logos last week , I had a whopping total of 3 sales , with a few other customers in the store . Normally I write notes on a quarter sheet of paper , an 8 - 12 x 11 piece of paper torn into 4ths . In a normal week , I fill four sheets of paper . Yesterday , when Walt arrived to pick me up I had just started my EIGHTH sheet of paper . It was last minute gift buying day ! Susan tells me that we sold $ 399 worth of books ! I needed to go to the bank , which is across the street from Logos . I 'm so frustrated . I have used my pin on ATM machines for over 10 years and suddenly it 's just . . gone . I know the four numbers , but I cannot for the life of me get them in the right order , so I have to deposit a check at the bank and get my pin switched . I had hoped to do that before working , but we left the house a little too late so I was going to ask Sandy if she could stay just a bit longer , but her wife was there with their granddaughter , so I didn 't . Thinking the store was empty we were talking quite openly about our latest favorite subject : the upcoming Trump presidency . Today we were talking about his decision to up our nuclear capabilities and what a danger that was after decades , ever since the Sainted Ronald Reagan , of working to reduce nuclear arms around the world . It 's probably not the conversation we would have had with customers in the store , but suddenly this very tall guy with a French accent appeared , making a statement about France 's nuclear capabilities . That was a surprise ! 3 women came in , looking like mom , daughter , and grandma . Grandma had kind of a sour look and said loudly ' What are we DOING here ? " I couldn 't tell if she was being funny . . . or if maybe she was like my mother , who would probably wonder the same thing . The mom bought a book of ancient civilizations of somewhere I can 't remember and the daughter bought a history of Greece . A portly red - headed bearded guy searing a Bob Marley shirt under his dark corduroy jacket had worn - looking shoes with toes that turned up almost like those of elves . His rumpled jeans dragged on the floor over his shoes . He wore his sun glasses on top of his head and he spent a long time looking through the literature and the history sections , but ultimately didn 't buy anything . A man arrived with an armload of wrapped Christmas packages . I said " Oh you shouldn 't have " and he gave a small smile at my pathetic joke . He bought a big coffee table book on the Bayeux tapestry from the window display . A woman came in with a bargain book and asked for directions to a news store . I told her how to get to Newsbeat , just a couple of blocks away . She asked if she could leave the book there and get it later , which I said she could do . I had told her to turn right out of the store ; she turned left and I never saw her again . 5 people entered at the same time , groups of two and three . The two , kind of swarthy looking men with head bands , left quickly , while the 3 women stayed longer and laughed a lot . A man bought a contemporary fiction book . His right arm , I noticed , was heavily tattooed ( I suspect they were henna tattoos ) with the letters spelling YOKE on his fingers and ornate flowers covering all the skin I could see . A woman named Carol J brought in an armload of 10 bargain books , paid for them , and left them behind to pick up later She met a friend outside as she was leaving and the friend was picking her own stack of bargain books ( 7 of them ) . She returned an hour or so later for her books and bought a book on Van Gogh for $ 7 , which was teeny compared to the bargain books she had purchased . She also bought a kids ' Christmas book . A woman bought three kids books , including " The Phantom Tollbooth . " The total came to about $ 7 but I kept screwing up the cash register and at first had her owing > $ 20 . I finally got it right on the third try . A woman asked if we sold gift certificates , and since I didn 't find any blanks in the drawer , I guessed that we no longer did . Another Logos tradition leaving . The woman bought three personal growth books , including one by Edgar Cayce , the " sleeping prophet , " the " father of holistic medicine , " and the most documented psychic of the 20th century . A striking tall woman in a long white coat with a long scarf around her neck and a regal bearing entered , looking for " coffee table books . " She looked like what I would imagine Kay Scarpetta looking like , if Scarpetta were taller . The woman was pleased to find three books , one on Scorsese , one on Humphrey Bogart and one on movies of the 20th century ( I think this last book was one I donated ) . Laffing Sal 's nicer sister . She bought a book on Pancho Villa and had lots of interesting things to tell me about Villa 's son , who apparently grew up in Hayward , CA and didn 't know he was related to Villa until he was an adult ( " Villa had kids all over the place , " she said ) . While she was talking to me another customer ( Carol J from earlier in the day ) stood right next to her having a conversation on her cell phone , making no effort to lower her voice or move out of the way . Another man came in wanting to know about the future of Logos . The last customer bought anther coffee table book and also talked about the future of the store . Amazing how many people have come to love the store and are very concerned about what will happen when Susan and Peter retire . We innocently walked into the Verizon store to see about getting me an upgraded phone , since mine died last night ( " screen death , " they say ) . Two and a half hours later we walked out with 2 new phones and two Samsung tablets . We either got an incredible deal , or these guys are the best gol - durn used car salesmen in town . We were easy pickin 's . There were actually five guys and for the first two hours , we were the only customers . We apparently happened upon one of Verizon 's best sales in the history of Verizon and we could get an iPhone 7 ( which I did not expect to buy , knowing how expensive it is ) for me , a new Samsung for Walt ( they would buy back his 2 year old phone ) , cut our monthly payment in half , and throw in two Samsung tablets just for ducks . And the total we paid today was less than half the price I 've seen for the iPhone 7 alone . One of the guys was supposedly just learning how it all worked , so the manager did a lot of the computer . The paperwork went on forever , Walt signed a dozen agreements ( half for him , half for me ) they downloaded some apps for me until I told them I could do it myself . And , as I said , we walked out after 2 - 1 / 2 hours dazed and with so many bags one of the guy carried our bags out to the sidewalk for us . While Walt was signing papers , I was testing out the new camera ( which is amazing ) and texting pix off to Jeri and Ned , the only two email addresses I could remember without double checking . I also set up the alarm clock that rings every day at 9 : 30 to remind me to take my pills and installed Word with Friends . And then out to the car to test out our new toys . We tried out the bluetooth and couldn 't figure out how to configure it and decided it was kind of silly to be parked just a few blocks from the house trying to figure out how our new phones worked . Needless to say , am happy as a clam to have a working phone again . . . and to be able to play Word with Friends on my cell phone again . There is also a big learning curve ahead of me , I know , but I 'm looking forward to it . Of course the iPhone 7 for Dummies that was on sale today for Kindle was ordered ( $ 3 ) and has not been delivered . Sigh . I didn 't have a lot of time to play with the phone at home because I had to get over to Atria and make sure my other got to her hair appointment . I had the usual struggle with her . How did I know she wanted to get her hair done ? How could she go when she had no checkbook , and what was I doing with her checkbook anyway . What if she wanted to write a check . And did she really have to go to the beauty parlor Even she thought so . I also took a photo of her hair from the BACK . She is always complaining about people in the dining room who have beautiful curly hair and she has told me all of my life how disgusted she is when she looks at my hair because she ways wanted curly hair and never had it . I thought she would like this photo : I had lunch with my friend Joan and Nancy today . We lunch periodically when the political scene is overwhelming and we need to talk about it . I realized today that we 've been doing this for about 12 years . This was easy to figure out because we were first Bashing Bush Babes , perhaps after Bush 's re - election . We met maybe once a month to let off steam . We couldn 't do this on a regular basis because Nancy 's schedule is so crazy and she is often out of town . Meet Bartholomew . Nancy found him at Costco and couldn 't resist , thinking he would be wonderful to give to some children 's home . Only so far nobody wants him , so for the nonce , he is going to stay at the University Retirement Community ( URC ) , where Joan lives , and sit next to their Christmas tree . When Christmas is over , Nancy hopes to give him to the library for their children 's section . What a great place for a little kid to sit and read . We could easily have spent another hour at lunch , but I had to get home so I could get to Logos . The person I relieved today was someone I had not met before . When I said I was there to relieve her , she said " No , you aren 't . I don 't feel relieved at all . " She was an interesting person who , I thought , had interesting lace across the top of her shirt until I realized it was a shoulder - to - shoulder tattoo of tongues of fire rising up off of her chest . It was a rainy day and she had a light morning , but the rain was coming down harder and I had the lightest day ever . I think I made five sales . Things started off just fine , with a guy wearing a North Face jacket buying a coffee table book about mountain climbing . He said it would be perfect gift for a friend of his . Believe it or not , I didn 't have another customer until my friend arrived . He was an hour earlier than usual and said he wanted to come in early before the traffic got crazy ( he drives in from Sacramento to meet with a group of guys every week ) . We chatted more than usual . He said he will be gone now until January . He bought a book of Japanese literature and a book abut code breakers in World War II . Some time after this my cell phone crashed . I went to play my " 4 Words " game to pass the time and the screen froze . It has done this before . You can 't move anything and can 't even turn off the phone . I finally stopped trying and just let it turn itself off and now it won 't turn on . You can call the phone and it rings , but you can 't answer it . I phone recognizes it , but that 's it . Because I can see what is on in the photo files , even if I can 't open the phone , this morning I moved all of the photos on the phone to my hard drive so I don 't lose them . We are actually , be still my heart , going to buy me a new one today . A woman came in and walked purposefully to the back , was there a couple of minutes and then left . A business man came in to drop off a letter for Peter and Susan . The last customer for me was a couple , the guy in a yarmulke and either prayer shawl or neck scarf ( hard to tell which one ! ) who bought a book by Voltaire . His female companion , with her close fit black pants and her boots , as well as just her bearing , looked like she must be an equestrian . And then it was over . Walt came by , dripping wet , and we walked the two blocks to where he had parked the car I had not brought my rain jacket with me , but wasn 't all that wet when we finally got to the car . It would have been lovely to have come home and curled up in the lap of a big bear named Bartholomew ! I don 't listen to music much any more . I don 't have a real genre . I don 't really like rock . I enjoy old folk music like John Denver or the Kingston trio . I like show tunes a lot ( since I 'm a critic , I see a lot of musicals ) . I enjoy classical music , but not as much as I used to . List your three favorite scents . Sigh . This question again . The smell of the sea , puppy breath , and fresh ground coffee . I also like the smell of acetone , rubbing alcohol , Vicks and gasoline . Share something difficult you 've been through . How much time do you have ? The death of my two sons ( 1996 and 1999 ) , the grieving periods following the death of my best friend and my cousin , who was more like my sister . And right now , watching my mother 's dementia eat away her brain . Oh my yes ! I write lots of letters ( mostly to the 29 kids I sponsor around the world ) and my granddaughters , and receive letters from all of them . Even with her dementia , my mother is proud of the fact that she never writes letters . I 'd like to revisit the 1950s and find out why I thought it was such a good time when it was not good at all for an awful lot of people ( I suspect I thought they were good because I was a young white girl living in a white neighborhood . , We weren 't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination , but if my family had money worries , I didn 't know about them . Politics was not discussed in our house , so I never knew what was going on in the world . I lived in blissful ignorance . If you could be immortal or have an extremely long life span which would you pick and why ? Neither . Immortality would be terrible . You 'd spend your entire life saying goodbye to loved ones . And , watching my mother deteriorate at age 97 , that doesn 't hold any appeal for me either . Just let me go to sleep some night and not wake up . Maybe I 'll find old friends on the other side . Sinking into my recliner , turning on the television , and NOT seeing anything about Donald Trump . If you have one , name a favorite book & movie . Favorite book , " Prince of Tides . " Favorite movie , " A Star Is Born " ( 1954 , with Judy Garland ) Walt has had a beard for at least 40 years or more . I won 't let him shave it . We have compromised on a goatee . Does that answer your question ? Why does it hurt ? I happened , quite by accident , to see the " blogs I follow " list of someone I have known and followed for many years and on whose list I always showed up , but I 'm not there any more , though I continue to follow her blog and have since the beginning . I am grateful to everyone who follows Funny the World , but I guess there is a sell - by day for old friends . Heck , sometimes I even bore me ! Welcome to Saturday 9 . What we 've committed to our readers is that we will post 9 questions every Saturday . Sometimes the post will have a theme , and at other times the questions will be totally unrelated . Those weeks we do " random questions , " so - to - speak . We encourage you to visit other participants posts and leave a comment . Because we don 't have any rules , it is your choice . We hate rules . We love memes , however , and here is today 's meme ! 2 ) Drivers in snowy climes are encouraged to keep salt , sand or kitty litter in the trunk because those items can help a car regain traction in the snow . Do you have an emergency kit in your car right now ? If so , what 's in it ? 4 ) Chionophobia is the fear of snow . Astraphobia is the fear of thunder and lightening . Lilapsophobia is the fear of tornadoes and hurricanes . Do you have to cope with any of these fears ? 5 ) Elvis ' daughter Lisa Marie split her childhood between Memphis and Los Angeles , so she seldom saw snow . When she was a little girl , she was whisked her off to Denver in her father 's private plane so the two of them could spend an afternoon playing in the snow . If you could take off and spend the afternoon anywhere in the world , where would you go ? Well , " anywhere in the world " is silly unless you are going somewhere close , like Memphis to Denver . If I wanted to spend the afternoon in London , that 's a 12 hour flight . , if I wanted to go to Australia or Africa , the afternoon would be over and I 'd still be on the plane . But if I had a transporter or Tardis , I wouldn 't mind going on an African photo safari before dinner back home again . 6 ) At home and onstage , Elvis refused to wear jeans and only wore denim if a film role demanded it . This is because when he was young , classmates teased him for " dressing poor " in jeans and coveralls . What did you wear to class when you were in grammar school ? My aunt was apparently the first woman granted a pilot 's license in California . My great uncle ( and godfather ) was a champion 6 days bicycle racer . Another great uncle came within one fight of being feather weight boxing champion . My grandparents were in vaudeville , and my grandfather was an Irish tenor in a barbershop quartet . No problem . Steak . I don 't like either caviar or lobster ( and the thought of killing a live lobster turns my stomach , though I wouldn 't mind having someone kill a Dungeness crab for me ! ( And BTW , I suspect 5 lbs of steak would be by far the cheapest of the choices ) In this day where everything is automated and computerized , trying to deal with a human being is nearly impossible . Even if you CAN get to a human being , they refer you back to their on - line site because it 's so much easier . For them . Today I had 3 bills to pay for my mother . Somehow she managed to " misplace " 2 months of telephone bills , which I just found on her coffee table this week . Her phone had already been disconnected . I don 't know what happens with her papers . She gets volumes from Atria in a week and I go through them and toss out the outdated ones and get everything organized and then a week later I will find more notices from 6 months ago . I called AT & T but before they could help me I had to either give them her 3 - digit account number or the last 4 digits of her social security number . I didn 't have the SS number so I put in the account number , which was not recognized . I 'm holding the bloody bill in my hand and reading the numbers , but they don 't recognize them . So I went to Atria and got her SS card and copied down the number . I went back to AT & T and they don 't recognize that number either . I finally called customer " service " and after a quite lengthy wait on line , while I was told many times how easy their on - line service was , I eventually reached a human being , who didn 't want to accept payment from me until they could have my mother verify that it was OK for me to pay her bill for her . I explained that she was 97 and had dementia and threatened to call back and pretend I was my mother . She finally , reluctantly , agreed to let me pay her bill . The second bill was easier . It was her portion of the ~ $ 2 , 500 bill for her 3 block ambulance ride to the Emergency Room the last time she was sent there . Her portion was $ 125 , which makes you realize why you pay for health insurance . It 's for unexpected times like these ! But I wrote the check and mailed it . The third bill was her co - pay for the $ 7 , 701 charges for her 2 hours in the emergency room . Her portion ? $ 50 . Again , thank God for Kaiser . I cringe whenever I pay these bills because I know that she does not really need to go to the ER , but the one time I say " don 't take her " will be the one time when her unconsciousness turns out to be a stroke . So we pay . So I called . And I waited . And I got a recording saying to say to type in her account number . It wasn 't recognized . I finally got through to a person who could help me and , not surprisingly , she encouraged paying on line . I explained my difficulty and that I could not log in and could not start an account . She said I could log in and pay as " guest " and that she could guide me , so I got the web site up on my computer and it was , indeed , quite simple . She got me through the first couple of screens and all I had to do was put in the credit card number . I thanked my guide for her help and she hung up . There was a link to send a note to their customer service address , so I wrote one and sent it . Within a few minutes I had a response saying that though their office hours are 7 a . m . to 5 p . m . PST and though I was calling at 3 p . m . PST on a Wednesday afternoon , they were out of the office . The e - mail suggested I use the on - line option . I should have expected this . Today is " pie day " at Sutter , I thought . At the lunch yesterday they reminded us we could pick up our pies between 6 : 30 and 8 : 30 or later in the afternoon . I actually set my alarm so I could get to Sutter by 7 : 30 so we could have pumpkin pie for breakfast . But when I got to the hospital meeting room , nobody was there and there was no sign of pies . I went to the volunteers ' office to see if maybe the pies were there , but the sign on the wall for " pie day " says that it is tomorrow . So I got back in the car and started the iPod to continue listening to my book on the ride home , but there was no sound . Not on the audio book , nor on music , nor on anything . Obviously not my day . I was going to visit my mother , but it 's raining and it 's cold , so I 'm staying home . But I 'm nervous about touching anything mechanical for fear it won 't work . I did get the iPod working again , by essentially kicking it . Electronically , that is . I hooked it up to iTunes and played something from the iPod thru iTunes and when I disconnected from iTunes , it worked again , but it is clear that this beloved gadget is on its last legs . I have looked at replacement options on Amazon , but I really need to hold something in my hands and see if it is what I want / need . I did order something that I thought would work , but it turned out not to be compatible with iTunes or with Audible . com and since all I want the machine for is to play audio books , that won 't work , so I am returning my purchase and taking a credit . When the invitation to the Sutter Davis Hospital volunteers Christmas luncheon came , I didn 't think I was interested . This is not the " come and let us treat you to lunch as a thank you " lunch ( which comes about in the spring ) , this was the " pay big bucks and we can all eat together " lunch . The idea of eating at Cattlemen 's was pleasant . It 's a great steakhouse that I 've been able to visit a couple of times . They have fabulous beef and we almost never go there . So that was something in its favor . But there was that whole social anxiety thing that so often cripples me . But in the end I decided to go . I had enjoyed the free lunch last spring , though I was fairly new then and didn 't really know anybody by name . I had felt out of place , but enjoyed myself . So I sent in my money and today was the day . Of course , a good ol ' steakhouse like this comes with the thing that I hate . . . . dead animals on the wall . But I decided not to look up . We all gathered around the front table to sign in and then go find a seat . People were meeting friends and going off to tables . I decided to sit at an empty table and see if anyone would sit with me . I watched people I knew give me smiles before going off to a different table . I expected that this entry was going to be a " poor me , nobody likes me " entry , but then a woman asked if the seats were taken and she and her friend ( someone I actually knew ) sat with me , then a woman who talks to me all the time when she passes the information desk arrived and then a woman who used to teach our kids in grammar school joined the group with a woman I didn 't know but see all the time , and she always gives a cheery wave . So things were looking up . I 'm not sure why people order salmon at a beef restaurant , but there were only two of us who ordered the sirloin steak , which was delicious . Three of the women at the table are gift shop buyers and so there was lots of talk about that , but then I remembered that the ex - teacher had just traveled to Africa . I had seen some of her Facebook photos , and so I talked with her about that , the place I 've always wanted to visit and know now that I never will . I was feeling more comfortable . Cinderella , which we saw last weekend . The woman next to me asked if I write things about shows . I told her that I was the critic for the Davis Enterprise and that was an a - ha moment for most of them . It was like the time someone at a new theater asked if I was " The " Bev Sykes . Turns out they all read my stuff , which is quite humbling . Suddenly we had mutual things to talk about . They wanted to know how I got to be a critic , and the shows I 'd seen lately . It was about 5 minutes where I was in my element and my social anxiety melted away for the rest of lunch . ( When we were leaving one of the women said " we learned a lot about you today ! " ) I left feeling 100 % better than I had felt standing awkwardly on the porch of the restaurant waiting to be let in . I had to go from the restaurant to the hospital because I was working a half shift . The lobby was nicely decorated and after talking with the gift shop buyers , I had to check out the things in the gift shop . I was looking for a pair of Christmas earrings to replace the two pairs of earrings that I lost one earring from . I got a cute pair of package bows . This duplicates entries in my journal , Funny the World , which I have been writing since March 2000 . The reason for starting a mirror blog is for people who prefer to subscribe thru an rss feed . The title is a quote from The Mikado , " Is this a time for airy persiflage ? " ( light banter ) . Yes , I am !

Julia Barker had met Jacob Smith when he came to work as a computer - systems analyst for the Highway Commission in Topeka , where she had worked for about three years as a secretary . She had grown up in Wichita , but had worked for the state of Kansas summers while in college , and had been offered this job when she graduated from WSU . It meant moving away from home , and her family and friends , and meeting all new people , but it was a good job , with good benefits , and she was soon comfortable with the work . She had become one of those to whom others came for advice , in fact . People just liked to stop by and talk to her for a few minutes - about anything - when they were getting a cup of coffee . Julia had been dating Jacob , off and on , for about three months . Though he had gradually become more aggressive , she resisted , and he sometimes apologized as he was leaving , with a smile , as if to say , " Nothing ventured . . . " But , while she might still have him over for dinner , if others were coming , she had quit going up to his apartment once she 'd decided there was little likelihood of a long - term relationship . She had no desire for a short - term romantic affair , with anyone for whom she suspected that might be a way of life . Still , they got along well enough , often joking together at work . He particularly enjoyed trading slightly off - color jokes with a group of women , chuckling as he played them off against each other . He also dated other women , some who worked there . As Julia had occasion to talk to them , they too had found him a little hard to get along with . He had a temper at times , some said . She could believe it . One day she saw him having lunch in the lunch room with a blonde woman she didn 't know , and was sure didn 't work there . With her deep tan and robust manner she looked more like a woman who worked outdoors - on a highway crew , perhaps , or on a farm , driving a tractor and milking cows - than a secretary . She and Jacob were obviously having an argument when Julia came in for lunch . So , in spite of her curiosity , she didn 't offer to join them . Moments later , the blonde woman got even angrier , looking Jacob directly in the eye , and speaking to him sharply as she stood up and then left , leaving most of her lunch uneaten - and Julia admiring her spirit . Jacob hastened after her , trying to convince her to stay . But , without slowing down , the woman went out the door . Jacob came back frowning , but soon was casually finishing his lunch . Then he ate the part of the sandwich the blonde woman had left as well . When she saw Jacob later that afternoon Julia mentioned that she 'd witnessed this dispute , and had then seen him eat the woman 's sandwich . He just laughed . " Well , I paid for it . . . and it was a good sandwich . " " And probably won 't again . I 'm afraid Gloria 's a woman out of my troubled past . I think I told you I grew up on a farm near here , close to the one she grew up on . She was a year behind me , grade school through high school , so I knew her well . But I left the farm after I graduated from high school . When I got this job , after several years back East , I was surprised to learn Gloria still lived here . So I called and asked her to meet me here for lunch - for old time 's sake . She still has the temper I remember , as I suppose you saw . I don 't even know what started the argument . But it looks like our relationship is a thing of the past . I know I 'm not going back to the farm . I told her if I ran into a good farm boy , I 'd let her know , which is probably what touched her off . It 's hard to make a living on a farm around here now . . . enough to support a family . And it 's still hard work . " He laughed again . A week or so later , on an April Friday , Jacob told Julia there was something he 'd like to show her , out in the country near that farm where he 'd grown up . This was just the right time of year for it , if she had some time the next day . She said she did , so he picked her up in the middle of the morning in his 1990 Toyota Camry - all blue inside and out , and neat as a pin - and they drove out north of town . " I bought this car brand new when I was in high school up here , " he said with a smile . " I was very proud of it then . . . and still think of it as my new car . " He looked at the sky off to the west and added , " Speaking as a farm boy , I can tell you that there 's weather coming in - for sure - but we should be able to get to what I want to show you and back to the car before the storm hits . Then let it rain to its heart 's content . I like to travel in the rain - and so does this car . If the rain continues , maybe we can go to a movie . " Julia also liked to ride in a car with the rain beating down and the windshield wipers working . She liked the rhythm and general mystique of being dry with the rain trying so hard to get her wet . Driving on a hot summer day , she could feel as sorry for those poor roasting tires as Jacob must , thinking how they must wish they were rolling along in the cool bath of a nice rain . " No , we lived on down the highway - in a house people still live in . I 'll show you on the way back . It actually looks best in the rain . From inside , too . Whenever it quit raining you had to go out and mend fence or something . But the people now living there aren 't farming either . They work in Topeka . The husband 's a plumber , I think , his wife a teacher . But it gives them a nice place in the country to live , where their three kids can get out and run , have their pets - join 4 - H , raise a calf . But their parents drop them at school in town , on the way to work . " He looked at the house for a long moment . " This place would be less attractive to them . . . even if it were in good shape . It 's a smaller house , would crowd a family of five . And back off the highway on a gravel road . It might take more money to paint than it 's worth . Or maybe not , for a couple - maybe a couple of guys - who liked the location , and had some use for a good barn and tool shed , for working on their cars , say . Then it might be a good ' fixer upper . ' You should be able to get the buildings and a few acres , like from here to those trees , pretty cheap . I don 't know why the front door is hanging open . I suppose the lock is shot , and local kids run in and out . They may have broken , or shot out , some of the windows on purpose . We can look at the inside , if you want , since there 's nobody here . " He looked at the sky again . It was getting darker in the west . " But let 's save that ' til we get back . It might look better in the rain , too . " " No . . . but it 's near here . I 'll show you . Just back a little ways through those woods . I hope we get to it while we still have plenty of sunshine . " Julia asked , " Are you sure this is a good idea ? Who knows what might lurk out in the woods ? I even thought I heard something scurrying around in the house . You think a raccoon ? " Jacob gave her a mock serious look and pulled a . 38 revolver out of his pocket . " Maybe , with the door wide open . But I brought this along for your protection , just in case . I told you what a good shot I am , didn 't I ? When I was a boy I owned a . 22 / . 410 rifle / shotgun over / under that I carried everywhere . Shot a lot of doves and rabbits with that - but never a bear - out here in these woods . " He laughed . " We won 't need this , for sure . I just get in the habit of carrying a gun when I 'm out and about . " He put the gun back in his pocket . " But you forget I grew up here . That 's how I know what 's here . See . . . there 's the path - though it 's getting as overgrown as the driveway . This is about the heaviest the woods get for miles around here . . . because of this valley , and the creek . . . though it cuts into the good farm land . " Julia asked , " Is this it ? This stream and flowers ? " Jacob was smiling . " It 's beautiful . What a nice place for a picnic . We should have brought a picnic lunch . " " Well , this is important . This sunny place is part of it , " Jacob said . " I thought it might put you in the right mood . " Julia was already apprehensive about the tone of his voice , and when , as she stooped to pick a flower , Jacob suddenly laid both hands on her from behind , she jumped . Then , as she turned to face him , he grabbed her and held her tightly , as he tried to kiss her . He told her how attracted he 'd been to her from the first , and that this place , this time of year , was where he himself had first experienced love - and where it had always been the best . He hoped it would be for her . Julia began to struggle , using all of her strength . But his intentions were clearly serious . They were out in the woods where nobody could even hear her yell - though she did . He covered her mouth with his and forced her back against the large oak tree that dominated this little spot . Still holding her with one hand , he soon had her skirt up with the other . Reaching up in desperation , she grabbed a loose branch hanging down from the tree . She broke it off and brought it down on his head , as hard as she could . Then , as he instinctively released her to wrest the branch away , she let it go , pushing him down , and dodged behind the tree , then first one tree then another , moving away from the path into the woods - as he sat there dazed for a moment . She was afraid he might step on her , but held her breath until he 'd walked on by - as the thunder began to roll . He hollered out , from a little distance now , that he was sorry . He 'd wait for her back at the car . " No need to walk home in the rain . " He forced a laugh . " I 'll behave . " After another few minutes she heard a shot . Jacob had evidently fired his gun . Perhaps he was trying to signal her , assuming she 'd be lost , and , when it began to rain , might be glad to accept a ride back to town . Shortly after that she heard a second shot , but had no desire to face an angry Jacob with a gun in his hand . Then she thought she 'd heard the car start up . But she wasn 't sure . He must have decided to leave . To come back for her later ? Who knows ? With no point of reference but trees , she wasn 't sure which direction the highway was , or even that she was continuing to go in the same direction . She got the feeling she was seeing some of the same trees more than once . But then she saw a patch of sunlight , between the tree trunks , in the direction in which she had been going . She began to follow that light , ducking down below branches to keep it in sight . It became an open area , bathed in sunlight , and she was almost running , on what had become another of these woodland paths , until she broke out of the trees into the clearing . There was no sign of the highway , but she saw a large open field , perhaps a pasture . She wasn 't sure , but it looked like rye grass , and looked wonderful . Once in the sunlight , Julia heaved a sigh of relief and dropped down at the edge of the field , her eyes dazzled by the sun after the darkness of the woods . This sunny new world had hardly begun to come into focus , however , before Julia noticed the tall rye grass waving in the strong wind . She looked up to see those dark cumulus clouds , that had been piling up in the west , now tumbling over each other racing toward her . The whole field fell into shadow , as the clouds covered the sun . Everything was rapidly getting darker . Then came a sharp flash of lightning , followed by a heavier rumble of thunder . The velocity of the wind increased , until the grass was bending almost to the ground . She felt the splash of a huge drop of rain , then another . Soon the rain was coming down in torrents , with alternating peals of thunder and flashes of lightning . She retreated into the woods she 'd just seen herself as escaping from , hoping for the protection of those larger trees in shutting out the threatening heavens , perhaps finding one to act as a natural umbrella until , after the storm , there was sunshine again . As she ran , seeking any shelter she could find , suddenly , there was the abandoned farmhouse . She must have been going in circles . The car was gone , so she had been abandoned . The porch leaked badly , but the front door was still ajar and , her clothes now soaked through , she stepped inside . The first thing she saw was Jacob 's body lying on the floor in a pool of blood . Shot in the head , he was obviously dead . . . the pistol he had shown her lying by his side . Julia 's father , a military man , had taught her enough about guns that she didn 't hesitate a moment to pick it up and quickly check to see that it was ready to fire again . No one would rape her now . There appeared to be two shells fired - evidently not as a signal , but to kill Jacob . Could it have been suicide ? Then where was the car ? Soaked to the skin , Julia looked for a way to get dry . Much of the basic furniture was still there , a couch and chair set in the living room - but no television , no telephone , no magazines , no curtains . There were few personal things in the bathroom , but toilet paper , and , as if waiting for her , two large towels thrown over the shower bar . Laying the gun on top of the toilet tank , she got out of her wet clothes and used one towel to dry herself , then wrapped the other around her . In the bedroom there was a double bed , but the only bedding a sleeping bag . One of the broken windows was covered with a fancy quilt , old , but clean and dry enough that she put it around her shoulders . Feeling much better , but avoiding Jacob 's body , she continued to explore the house . In the kitchen there was a table and chairs , but just a few odds and ends of dishes , pans , and silverware in a rack by the sink - enough to fix a quick meal , maybe . She was surprised to find a cup of tea on the table , barely lukewarm , as she stuck a finger in it , but with a thermos sitting next to it . The one who shot Jacob had evidently been drinking tea . A woman ? She was thinking of pouring herself a cup of tea when she heard a sound from the living room . She whirled , with the gun ready to fire , if Jacob had come back to life , but , in a steady voice , one of the two men who appeared at the kitchen door said , " Easy , lady . We 're the police . I 'm Sheriff Johnson and this is my deputy , Roger Miles . " She put the gun on the table . " No . I didn 't shoot him - but I would have . He tried to rape me . And no , I didn 't call . There 's no phone here . I looked for one - to call the police . " The sheriff shook his head . " It 's been almost three years since old man Roberts died and nobody has lived here since - so no gas , no electric , no telephone . His daughter , Gloria , lives across the highway with her aunt , I think . . . and the place has been let go . " The deputy kneeled to examine the body . " You know who this is , Sheriff ? It 's Jacob Smith , who used to live on the farm up the road . " " I know . I used to go to school with him . " He looked at the shattered head . " But I might not have recognized him . That was Gloria Roberts who called , and she said that 's who it was . " Julia said , " Yes , it is . He told me he grew up nearby when he brought me here . He parked there by the side of the house and took me out in the woods . . . to show me something , he said . Then he tried to rape me . Fortunately , I got away . While I was hiding , I heard two shots . Then I found my way back here - in that downpour - largely by accident . But his car was gone . Whoever shot him must have taken it . So you can 't suspect me of killing him , can you ? " " She said we 'd probably have to hunt for you out in the woods getting rained on - which it looks like you were . Lucky we didn 't have to . But she said she didn 't want you left here with no transportation . She did take the car . " He smiled . Then he found a woman 's jeans and sweatshirt among some odds and ends in the bedroom closet . " Work clothes , " he said . " Dry yourself good . Then get into these . Sorry , no underwear . Bundle up your stuff , and take that quilt along , which should keep you dry and warm enough until we can get you home . " On the way in the sheriff told Julia that Gloria would be waiting at the office . " I 've known her a long time , too . If she says she 'll be there , she will . Funny thing , this with Jacob . They were high school sweethearts . We all thought she 'd marry him , combining their two farms . " Even before the sheriff introduced them , Julia knew it was the woman she 'd seen Jacob arguing with in the lunch room . . . Gloria . Gloria said , " I 'm sorry to have left you out in the rain . . . Julia ? But I thought it better to report to the sheriff than go looking for you - and just get wet . " She smiled . " He was right . The house needs so much work , who 'd be interested ? And it sits back on that gravel road quite a ways from the highway - though I like to say it 's just a long driveway . " " I walked over from my aunt 's place , about a mile the other side of the highway , where I 'm living now , to reappraise the present condition of the house on this nice sunny morning , thinking about doing some yard work . I was surprised to see Jacob 's car , and then I heard you call out . By the time I got to where I could see what was happening I saw you hit him and dodge into the woods . I saw Jacob had a gun , and retreated to the house , to find something to face him with . " I thought about a pitchfork from the barn , but found an old baseball bat on the back porch . I was starting back to where you were when Jacob got back to the house and saw me . I made as if to smash the windshield on his Toyota with the baseball bat . I knew that 'd get his attention . He fired his gun , right at my feet . He 'd have killed me . I went back into the house , but he followed , evidently having decided to take me instead . " She was talking to the sheriff now . " He came in holding that gun , saying , ' Okay , Gloria . You were always the best , anyway , especially on a rainy day . Take off your things and head for the bedroom . ' He laughed . I started to take off my blouse , but when he got close enough , grabbed the baseball bat and hit the arm holding the gun . He dropped it and I picked it up . He tried to take it away , his anger showing in his eyes . I shot him right between those eyes , Sheriff . " " Yes . . . self - defense . . . of course , " Gloria replied . " I could just have wounded him , I suppose , but didn 't have time to think about it . Then there he was , lying dead on the floor , and I didn 't know what to do . I called out , but where was I to look for you . . . Julia ? So I got his keys and drove his Toyota back to Aunt Bertha 's , in the rain by then , to phone you . . . Sheriff . Then I drove here . " Julia had to go to court , where she testified that Jacob had tried to rape her out in the woods before he 'd tried to rape Gloria in the house . She told them how he 'd shown her that gun and what she 'd thought when she heard the shots . The judge did accept it was self - defense , for it was Jacob 's gun and he could have just driven away instead of pursuing Gloria into her house . Sitting at her desk the following week Julia suddenly had an idea and called Gloria . " Meet me for lunch . I know you know where our lunch room is . I 'd like your reaction to something . " Julia made a point of being there early so she could watch Gloria walk in . Again , she liked the woman she saw . After Gloria sat down and ordered her sandwich , Julia said , " I hope you feel like finishing your sandwich today . I don 't feel hungry enough to eat two . " Gloria laughed , and Julia liked her laugh , too . But then Julia told her that she thought she might have killed Jacob for having brought another woman to her farm , and their special place , for sex . Gloria smiled . " I had those feelings . And I wouldn 't have had to kill him , " she said . " I had the baseball bat and his gun . But it did make me angry when he took you to our place . In the fall , we sometimes wrapped up there in that same sleeping bag that 's now on the bed . Then Jacob , who 'd said we 'd get married , abandoned me , while I was still in high school - and pregnant - though I hadn 't told him . The day after he graduated , Jacob just drove away in that new Toyota of his , which he obviously loved more than he did me . When my father found out , he insisted I have an abortion , but I refused . I intended to have the baby . But that summer I fell , while we were putting up hay , and lost the baby . That 's what I was confronting Jacob with here that day you saw us . " " That I was already in the house , drinking a cup of tea , when you arrived . So I heard what you said . I knew where you were going , and why , though I assumed you were a willing partner , and that he was probably planning to bring you back to the bedroom once it started raining . I followed you , just out of curiosity . . . not a very noble motive , I know . I was as surprised as Jacob probably was when you fought him off . I watched that whole scene . After you got away I went back to the house to wait for him . " " Self - defense may not be the only justification , " Julie said . " But I like your candor . And I have an offer to make . In spite of my experience on your farm , with Jacob and the weather , and my inexperience in farm life , I liked the place - liked the house , liked the creek and flowers , liked the big open field . I 'm tired of living alone in my upstairs apartment . I think I 'd like to live there - with you - to share expenses and help make that a livable house again . Do you think that would work ? " She reached over and took Gloria 's hand , more callused than her own . " That rye field is on our farm . I rent it out now , but still own a tractor , and know how to plant a field of corn , or wheat . If you 'll help get the house in order , I could teach you to be a farmer . . . and a housewife . But wouldn 't you be afraid of wild animals out there ? " Julia smiled . " Neither of us seems afraid of guns , and you may already have killed the only wild beast we 'll ever meet in those woods . We 'll get a phone , so we can call Sheriff Johnson . " Gloria looked at her - then shook her head . " I 'll think about it . But from the time I saw you hit Jacob with that branch , I 've liked you . I 'll talk to the people at the bank , and to my aunt , and maybe Sheriff Johnson , and let you know . " The next day , another Friday , Julia got a call from Gloria . " If you can get there , I 'd like to meet you at our farm tomorrow . It should be a nice day . I don 't have a car , but enjoy the walk . Maybe I can buy Jacob 's Toyota when they put it up for auction . He 'd love that . " She laughed . " Good . I can show you around the place , and , if you still like it , we can begin to make plans . I 'll bring hot tea . "

Today Mother was taking her to get a new pair of shoes . She was a petite , fine boned girl who looked younger than her seven years . Mother kept her hair in a short bob with deep bangs framing her ocean blue eyes that today were sparkling with excitement . A new pair of shoes was a very important event . Her feet were very narrow so that her shoes had to be specially ordered , making them expensive , and her family didn 't have much money . Her father had a job , but was often sick so there were many payless weeks . Today Mother and Lois would take the trolley to 69th Street to get her shoes , then the subway and el to visit with Aunt Louise so she was wearing her good navy blue dress and a fluffy sweater MomKate had knit . She slipped on the coat her mother had made and put the muff string under her collar . She liked her muff on these very cold days . It looked like a drum made of bunny fur , open on both ends so that when she put her hands in the muff , the cuffs of her coat sealed the ends from all the cold . She twirled around to show how pretty she looked . Well , except for the very worn shoes , but she would have her new ones soon . They walked a block down to the Pike then several blocks to the trolley station . She kept dancing around on the platform , which annoyed Mother who thought she should stand still , but the cold was coming up through the cement and into her shoes . Her feet were too cold to stand still . When the trolley arrived Mother gave her little help up to the first step . They moved to the middle of the car . Most of the seats were still empty because this was only the second stop . They chose a bench and sat facing the direction they were going . Mother didn 't like to ride backwards . She got to sit next to the window where she could brace her feet on a small ledge while watching the houses go by . The closer they got to 69th Street the fuller the car became until there was only one seat left . Mother made Lois take her hand when they got to the Station because there were so many people , some going to other trains or trolleys or out to the shops like they were . They crossed the street and walked half way up the hill to Mother 's favorite store , Lit Brothers , where they had ordered her shoes . As soon as they got inside , Mother almost dragged Lois through the first floor to the shoe department . Mother was in a hurry so that they could catch the next subway train and have as much time as possible with Aunt Louise . The clerk brought out the box and carefully unwrapped the shoes . Nestled inside the tissue paper was a dark brown pair of maryjanes . Lois hopped up on the chair and the clerk sat on the special stool in front of her . After removing her worn , right shoe he gently slid the new shoe onto her foot and asked how it felt . It was so pretty with a bit of room for her toes to grow , but the side of the shoe hugged her foot around the arch and heel . He repeated with the left shoe and helped her off the chair to walk a short way to confirm the shoes fit well . Both Mother and the clerk pushed down on the tip of the toe to be sure that there was some grow room . Lois was all smiles as she looked at her feet in the mirror to see how prettyThey just made it to the subway and seated themselves when it began to move . They were looking forward to seeing Aunt Louise , who wasn 't really her aunt , but her godmother . Her mother and Aunt Louise had lived on 2 Street and gone to school together . They and their husbands had dated as a foursome before both men had gone to the Great War . When the men came home Aunt Louise had married Uncle Ed , moved northward in the city . Mother , Katherine , had married Ted , and they found a house in a southwestern suburb . The foursome still enjoyed each others company and got together whenever they could , which was less often than Mother and Aunt Louise would have liked . Lois always liked to be with Aunt Louise with her constant smile and jolly laugh . Everything at Aunt Louise 's house seem to be fun while her own home was more serious , especially when her father was sick , which he was more and more often . The only problem at Aunt Louise 's house was Jimmy , her son . He was three months older than she and believed that meant he could decide what they would do when they played together . He was always teasing her about something , often until she wanted to cry . But she would never give him that satisfaction . The warmth of Aunt Louise 's kitchen was welcoming after the walk from the bus stop in the cold wind . The aroma of the hot lunch Aunt Louise had made drew them in as well . First thing Lois did was to pirouette before Aunt Louise to show off her new shoes . Aunt Louise liked them a lot , which pleased Lois . As soon as the tea was ready they all sat at the kitchen table . Aunt Louise always made her fell so grown up . Today she had made a cup of half hot tea and half warm milk and sugar . Lois sat up straight and tall the way Mother liked and tried not to make any crumbs . Jimmy seemed to be eating as fast as he could and urged her to hurry . He had made plans to go ice - skating and didn 't want to make his friends wait . Aunt Louise said how Jimmy should take Lois with him , to which he made a face . Lois tried to beg off . After all , she hadn 't brought skates nor was she dressed for skating . Actually , she had didn 't own any skates and she was dressed for visiting not playing . Aunt Louise would have none of it . She insisted that Jimmy take her with him and even had a spare pair of clamp on ice skates Lois could use . It would also give the two mothers a chance to visit without the noise of the children . Aunt Louise found an old pair of Jimmy 's trousers for Lois to slip on under dress . The mothers made sure that the children were all bundled up and shooed them out the door . Jimmy took off at a run to get to the corner where he told the other kids he would meet them . Lois had to run to keep up . It was an up hill walk to the pond . They all put their skates on and Jimmy took the time to be sure that Lois had hers on properly . The others had skated before and raced all around the edge . Lois gingerly skated in little circles as she learned to balance and turn , speed up and slow down to a stop . Soon she began to feel comfortable and began skating in larger and larger circles . By then the others were just about back to where they had started and began yelling at her . She couldn 't make out what they were saying , but she knew she was getting better and skating more surely . Then she felt as much as heard a cracking sound and there was nothing under her feet . Everything was dark and murky . Next thing she could see was a hand , then an arm , and Jimmy 's face . He was urging her to grab his hand . The other kids had his feet . All the clothes had trapped enough air that she had a little buoyancy . That would soon disappear as her clothes absorbed the cold water . She stretched as hard as she could and managed to reach Jimmy 's hand . Soon she was free of the water and on the ground next to the pond . Two sets of hands were removing the ice skates . Then they were pushing her up and telling her to run . She didn 't want to run . All she wanted was to get rid of the wet clothes and get warm . They were all shouting at her so she began to edge away . Jimmy began pushing her . Turning she tried to get away from all the shouting and pushing . She couldn 't run fast enough to escape . Jimmy kept pushing . She tripped and fell , so he began to roll her down the hill . The snow stuck to her wet clothes till she began to look like a snowman . When they needed to cross the street several sets of hands pulled her up and shoved her across . Then they began to chase and shove her again . Jimmy was shouting for Aunt Louise before he even opened the back gate . As they reached the porch Aunt Louise and Mother had appeared at the kitchen door . They grabbed her . Mother began pulling off her wet clothes while Aunt Louise ran for towels . As the big warm fluffy towels were wrapped around her she saw her pretty new shoes were now all wet , stained , and wrinkled . All she could do was cry because she knew they would never be pretty again . Jimmy kept telling her to stop bawling while he stuffed her shoes with newspaper . She seemed to be the only one upset about the once pretty pair of maryjanes . Both mothers were busy praising Jimmy for getting her back so quickly and it was all his fault . He was the reason they had been ice - skating , that she fallen through to the cold water that soaked her beautiful new shoes . He was the one who had pushed , shoved , and rolled her all the way back to Aunt Louise 's house . And here she was crying in front of Jimmy . What had begun as a joyfully entertaining day was now in ruins as were her lovely new shoes . This story is part of Suzy 's family lore . The girl Lois is Suzy 's mother , and Lois and Jim married in 1942 , literally the night before he left to fly off US Navy aircraft carriers in the Pacific Theater . These pictures are from approximately the time of the story . Slowly she became aware that the sun was brightly gleaming through the window , but the house was still quiet . Surely , it was late enough that she should be able to hear someone in the kitchen making breakfast . Looking at the window she could see thick ice on the glass . Grandmom said that the glazing was from Jack Frost 's breath when he peeked in the window during the night . Carefully she stuck her foot outside the covers . Brr , the air was cold . Grandmom usually came in and put her clothes on the radiator to warm , but the radiator was empty . Nothing to be done about it . Throwing back the covers she slid her feet over the edge and reached for the floor slipping down the last couple of inches . The carpet felt cold to her toes . She tugged at the top dresser drawer . It was a wide drawer and she had trouble making it pull out evenly and it jammed before it was open wide enough for her to slip her hand in and reach her under clothes . With the heel of her left hand she banged on the drawer , freeing it and she tried again to open it . She had to do it twice more before she could reach in and get her panties , undershirt , slip and socks . After neatly draping them on top of the radiator she walked over to the armoire and opened the door on the right where the longer things were hung . Not remembering any plans to go out today she tugged at an everyday dress until it came off the hanger and added it to the other things on the radiator . The radiator was putting out lots of heat , which was in contrast to the cold she could feel seeping in through the window . She reached her hand to the glass and tried to warm a spot on the window large enough to look out onto the street . Yesterday they had had a big snow . No cars seemed to be moving and so it was very quiet out there , too . It was the morning after a big storm and the sky was a brilliant blue and the sun so bright on the snow that it was hard to keep her eyes open and she had to look away . The adults must be very busy because no one seemed to have heard her walking around and coThe stairs in Grandmom 's house were steep so she always held onto the banister , except for the third step . It creaked , so she would step to the wall side . It was a game she played with herself , to go all the way down without the steps making a sound . Reaching the bottom step she looked over to the sunroom . Grandmom usually sat in the corner seat to watch the big kids walk to school , but Grandmom wasn 't there . It felt late , so maybe the kids had already passed , or maybe this wasn 't a school day . It really didn 't matter . Cheerfully she turned to look for Butchie , the black cocker spaniel that lived in this house . He always greeted her in the morning . He was so funny . As he came into the living room he was wagging his tail so hard that the entire back half of his body went from side to side with abandon . Then he tried to get so close that he knocked her over and she bumped into the coffee table and they landed in a heap together on the floor . She scratched behind his ears the way he liked , then they both got up and started for the kitchen . She caught a glimpse of herself in the dinning room mirror . Grandmom would tell her she looked like a ragamuffin . She hadn 't run a comb through her hair and it was sticking out randomly . Hair could be done later . Now , it was time for breakfast . Still no Mom or Grandmom , but that was okay because she knew how to make a scrambled egg . She had watched Mom and Grandmom lots of times . She took an egg from the dish in the icebox . That 's what Grandmom called it , even though it had a motor on top . The only ice was the cubes in the tray in the open freezing shelf . Not wanting to break the egg too soon she carefully carried it to the counter and set it on the dishrag so it wouldn 't roll . Then she got the little cup Grandmom used to scramble eggs and the cooking fork . Grandmom had a cute little frying pan just big enough for one egg , which she took from the cabinet and put on the stove . Kneeling on a chair , she thumped the egg against the edge of the cup , but it didn 't crack . She tried again . Why had she been so careful carrying it when it wouldn 't break anyway ? She hit it more sharply and half the egg and shell went into the cup and the other half fell onto the drain board . She lowered the cup into the sink and pushed the spilled half into the cup then fished out the two shell halves . It was half scrambled already . Mom always put a slosh of milk into the egg with salt and pepper before scrambling , so she climbed down and went back to the icebox . Grandmom 's milk came in glass , quart bottles with long necks . That made them easier to carry . She needed to shake the bottle because the cream had separated . The little paper lids didn 't stay on well once the bottle had been opened so she put her palm across the top of the bottle . She knew she had to pour slowly and carefully because it would be easy to get too much milk with the egg . She was so careful that it seemed to take forever for the milk to come out and then it splashed . Oh well , everyone said that it was good to drink lots of milk . She shook some pepper onto the egg milk mix and watched it float . Then she shook a little salt . Then a bit more . It seemed to gather in the center of the pepper island . Maybe a bit more . Then the salt began to sink and take the pepper with it . She guessed that was enough sShe needed to find them . Where could they be ? Doing the wash ? She slid off the chair , put what was left of the egg down for Butchie to eat . She could get the dish later . Opening the door to the cellar she listened for the washing machine . She couldn 't hear it nor could she hear any voices , but she started down the steps to be sure . One , two , three , four , oops … In slow motion she began to tumble and bounce down the steps . They went on and on and she was still tumbling . It should hurt , but it didn 't . She just kept falling and falling . " The storm is over . There 's lot of snow and sunshine outside . After a nice , warm breakfast we 'll get the sled out . Your Mom and Granddad can go down the hill with you . " Somewhat sullenly the little girl walked down the street , hugging her sweater tight around her . It wasn 't that she was cold , but the calendar read " December " so she needed a sweater . At least , that 's what Moma said . Her knobby knees stuck out below the hem of her full - skirted cotton dress as she shuffled along looking for leaves to kick . There weren 't very many as here most of the plants kept their leaves all year long . If only she walked slowly enough her girl friend might catch up with her before she arrived at the schoolyard . Victoria always had answers to questions that she didn 't even know enough to ask about . That morning had been the usual rush to get out on time with Moma standing at the door holding her sweater and brown - bag lunch trying to make her hurry so that she wouldn 't be late . She 'd run across the lawn to the house next door to collect her friend , but had been curtly informed that Victoria wasn 't ready as her hair had yet to be combed so there was no point in waiting . Here was the final block before the schoolyard and Victoria was nowhere to be seen . She 'd have to wait to ask until the walk home . This school was pretty easy . Her father expected that she be one of the top five scorers in her class . She could do that just by listening , and they didn 't give real homework here . That bothered her parents , but not her . The last assignment had to been to bring in twigs to make a holiday scene to take home as a Christmas decoration . They had each been given a stiff piece of cardboard and a small mirror . She had glued hers to the near right corner of her cardboard . Then Mrs . Wickford poured a white , slurry into a bowl between each pair of pupils at the shared desks . Each had a small wooden ice cream cup spoon to spread the white glop onto the cardboard and over the edges of the mirror . Then they were to quickly stick their twigs into the glop to create a winter scene with bare trees . Carefully she stuck her twigs toward the top of her project with a scattering closer to the mirror . The boy next to her placed his twigs evenly around his centered mirror . Mrs . Wickford told them to slide , not lift , their project to the upper center of their tables so the white stuff could set while everyone went to lunch . As soon as they had cleaned up they were dismissed . She grabbed her lunch bag and left her sweater . The morning haze was gone and the sun was warm . She and her friends sat at their usual picnic table far from the cafeteria door . The smells from the lunches they served in there were always yucky . She was supposed to buy a container of milk , but that would take time she didn 't want to waste . Getting to the playground was more important . She opened her bag to see what Moma had packed for her today : a wax paper wrapped sandwich , another packet with cookies , and a foil wrapped orange that was pressing on the sandwich . She took a couple of big bites of the dry and orange dented bologna sandwich then she squished the rest back into the waxed paper and moved on to the cookies . Moma never put much mustard on the bread so as to keep it from getting soggy . Moma never used mayonnaise , which could spoil , so the sandwich was The girls behind her in line were talking about what they were going to get for Christmas . One said her mother had taken her to a store and they had picked out a couple of dresses , and she had asked for one of the new dolls that looked like grown up ladies . The other girl said she had gotten one of those dolls for her birthday and wanted clothes for it . Neither had visited with Santa . After school she had walked up the hill with Jean . That was slow going because Jean had had polio and walked with a big limp . Her left leg was a lot shorter than her right . Jean had spent her summer vacation in the hospital where she had had surgery on her short leg . Jean never played foursquare or kick - ball or on the bars . Once in a while the little girl would sit with Jean at the edge of the playground and they would play jacks . She felt sorry that most of the other kids ignored Jean . She knew how it felt to watch the others and not be welcome to join them . By the time she got to the top of the hill most of the other kids had already disappeared . She looked at her watch . Time to run so Moma wouldn 't be upset that she had taken too long to come home from school . After diner Daddy told Moma that he and the little girl were going out to take care of some business . An errand with Daddy ? On a school night ? And Moma didn 't protest , just nodded and scooped her little brother up to get him ready for bed . Daddy wouldn 't tell her anything , just kept shushing her and telling her to wait until they were in the car . He even let her ride in the front seat . Everything looked a little different from here so she was quiet for a bit . They drove past the street she walked down to go to school and started down the front of the mesa to the shopping center . As they parked and began walking to the stores , Daddy asked what she thought Moma would want for Christmas . Hadn 't Moma written her own letter to Santa ? Daddy explained that they were to be Santa 's helpers and get something Moma would like . By then they were walking into a ladies store . The first thing she noticed was that the store smelled so good . Then there were two mannequins dressed in the New Look . One of the shop ladies had come up and asked Daddy what she could help him with . He told her that he and his daughter were being Santa for his wife and that they wanted one of the skirts like the one on the mannequin . The lady asked if they knew what size they wanted and Daddy simply put his hands out and drew Moma in the air . The skirt the lady brought was the same style in a beautiful , shimmery emerald green . She put out a cream colored boat necked top with three - quarter length sleeves to go with the skirt . Daddy , looking down to the little girl , asked her if she thought Moma would like them . She gently reached her hand out to touch the cool silky quilted skirt . Oh , yes , it was perfect . The lady carefully wrapped each piece and put them in a box . Christmas vacation began that Friday after school . She walked home carefully with her snow scene project . Moma put it on the top shelf of a bookcase explaining that her brother wouldn 't be able to reach it there . Moma washed the dishes and she dried as they cleaned up after dinner . She worried about how to ask Moma her question . Victoria had laughed and told her that she was such a baby to still believe in Santa Claus . She really wanted Santa Claus to be real . Moma had taken her to see him at the store . She had noticed that his beard was tied on . When she asked Moma about it , Moma had explained that Santa was very busy at this time of year and that that person was an elf sent to take messages to Santa . But what about Victoria laughing at her ? What about shopping with Daddy ? Moma found a couple more things to wash up and the girl finally just blurted out her question : was Santa Claus real ? Then she kept babbling about all the hints she had heard that year that led her to think he was just a made up story . Moma stopped , took the towel from her . While drying her hands , Moma gave her one of those slow , quizzical stares . Finally , she put the towel down , sat on a kitchen chair , and put her daughter on her lap . Very softly she said that Santa Claus was a spirit . The spirit of Christmas . Everyone could carry that spirit in their hearts . At this time of year , Santa Claus was a fun way of sharing and giving gifts . As we grew up we each were able to play Santa for those we loved and especially for little ones . Now , the girl could be part of the spirit of Santa Claus and help make things joyful for others and it was her turn to keep the secret . Christmas Eve , after decorating the tree she and her brother were given their stockings to hang . She showed her little brother how to do it by hanging hers , then helping him to hang his own . She winked and smiled at Moma . The next morning she watched her brother tear into his gifts , and made sure Moma knew who had given her what gifts as she opened her own . Later Moma would supervise as she wrote thank - you notes to each person who had given a gift . Then she watched as Moma opened the gift she and Daddy had gotten . Moma 's eyes widened , and twinkled as she caressed the fabric . Then Moma ran to their bedroom and put on the new outfit . She looked as beautiful as the ladies in the magazines as she twirled to show how the skirt moved . For the first time the little girl with braids and knobby knees knew what fun it was to embody the spirit of playing Santa Claus . He was just of average height and had ropey muscles indicating a vigorous , young man 's strength from years of working on the family farm . His family had come to this valley in western Pennsylvania with some of the first settlers , and different branches of the family had owned land all over the valley . The early morning July sun promised a hot day . Pushing a shock of dirty blond hair off his already damp forehead , his light blue eyes looked out over the field of winter wheat . It 's golden hue and fat heads told him it was ready for harvest . The air was still , and there was a bit of sparkle from the remaining dew . Within the hour the grass and fields would be dry and they could start harvesting . He and his brother , Will , had just finished the alfalfa last week . . His father was pleased that they had finished before the Independence Day celebration . Mother had spent the week working to prepare the food for the family picnic . The holiday fell on Friday so that those who came from a bit farther stayed over to attend Sabbath Meeting before returning to their homes after dinner Sunday afternoon . Just now the family was mostly women and children and old men . The preacher had spoken about the war and all of the men who were away fighting . Brother Jack is on some island in South Carolina fighting this war . He 's been gone most of a year now . The Sharp cousins had gone earlier . Shortly after Jack left , their father had taken ill . It had seemed to take a long time for him to get his strength back . Jamie and Will were still doing most of the heavy work and everything took longer with fewer hands . Jack kept writing that their father shouldn 't fret about him , but both parent watched for the mail carrier each day hoping for some proof that Jack was still among the living . Jack had helped put in the winter wheat last August , then joined up with Daniel Leasure and the100th Infantry , Pennsylvania Volunteers . Lawrence County had provided the men for F Company under James Cline . The Round Heads had pledged three years , but nobody thought it would take that long . In his early letters , Jack had written that they expected the war to be over by spring and he would be home by planting . They had gone to Camp Kalorama Heights , near Washington , D . C . for training . Then in the fall , his regiment had gone in a convoy of seven ships to North Carolina where they spent the winter on James Island . Now the fighting wasn 't going as well and Jack saw no end to it . Jamie stepped off the porch and with an easy stride headed to the barn to get his hook . He knew Will would be along soon . Will was still reading all the details about the war that were in the newspaper Mother had brought home from town . Jamie was looking forward to the rhythm of cutting the wheat , which would leave a lot of time to think , and he had a lot to think about just now . They had gotten a letter from his brother - in - law , A . J . , just last week . A . J . said he hoped the drill Jamie had done would be sufficient satisfaction of Military Duty to keep his war fever down . A . J . had come to the conclusion the he would much rather serve this great nation at home by cultivating the soil . He encouraged Jamie to value the production of food to feed the soldiers and those at home . He wrote that he requested Jamie not to go to War , but let somebody else fight to free the Negroes . Jamie didn 't know much about the Negroes , except that many were slaves , mostly in the south . He 'd never even seen one . In these parts they rarely even saw an Indian . He had read Governor Curtin 's call for volunteers . Governor Curtin said that Washington was in imminent danger of being over run by the rebels . The regiments he had sent before had been sent to many places and now President Lincoln needed more men to protect Washington . Jamie did want to keep our great Union together . His brother was marching and being fired upon . Word had come back that several of the young men he knew and had grown up with were dead . Every generation of his family before him had fought for this country except his father who had had the disadvantage of being born in 1812 , and thus unable to defend his country in the war of that year . When Jamie was eleven there had been the War with Mexico . President Polk had not asked for volunteers to fight there and Jamie didn 't know anyone who had gone . Now , at twenty - seven Jamie was looking forward to buying his own farm , getting married and starting a family . After Sabbath meeting he had been visiting with Sarah . She seJamie cut the wheat and Will bundled it into shocks to dry . The weather held and by the end of the week it was time to separate the wheat heads from the straw . Then they baled the hay and stored it in the barn . On Saturday , the 19th , Jamie and Will walked into Harlansburg . Jamie had decided and Will wouldn 't be left behind . If they signed with this new group , the 134th , it would be for only nine months . He would be home by next spring . He would trust in the Great Giver of all good things that he would only miss one fall planting . He signed . On Friday , 8 August , Jamie and Will kissed their Mother and shook hands with their father and set off up the road for Harlansburg where they were taken by wagon to New Castle . At 4 P . M . they boarded a boat and started down river for Pittsburgh . They took heart from Jack 's letters about Army life . Now they were on their way to places they had never seen and their lives would be very different . Yet , Jamie was at peace . His decision had been made . He would fight in this war . He would be part of the Grand Army of the Republic and hold this great Union together . Did these kids really not know where California was ? April of my fifth grade and this was my seventh school . I knew it would take a few days for the faces to take on features . I would talk to most of them this first week as they tried to figure out who I was , then hardly any of them for a while as they settled back to their daily routines . That would give me time to catch up on whatever subject they had gotten further in than I had . It wouldn 't be geography with this group . We were staying with my grandparents while waiting for housing to become available at the next duty station . It meant that this was just a stop over and I didn 't know why I had to go to school until the move was complete . We were to go to Cuba where there was a limited amount of on base housing . We needed to stay with our grandparents until our name came to the top of the waiting list . As it turned out , this move would take more than a year and we would never get to the next duty station because of an auto accident my father would suffer after he had gone ahead . Today , we still had a week before he would leave so he had taken me to enroll in the same school he had attended for grade school . He had walked me in the front door , which was apparently only for use when you were with a parent . As we had walked down the hall he read all the plaques and studied all the photos , then he chuckled and we walked into the office . We walked up to a tall , dark wooden counter where Daddy announced the reason for our being there . The woman who was to register me was very stern looking with a small narrow face , dark hair sprinkled with a little white , and glasses . When Daddy handed her my papers and report card from the school in San Diego she just frowned . As she opened my report card , she flatly stated , " It is our policy to put children coming from a California school one year below their grade of record . Our curriculum progresses much more rapidly than theirs and we don 't want to set a child up for failure . " Suddenly Daddy was wearing the white line that showed over his upper lip when he was angry . Speaking very softly and slowly , another bad sign , he asked , " When you opened her report card , did you read it ? Did you see the part at the beginning explaining what the grades mean ? She has straight ' E 's which stands for ' excellent ' not ' conditional failure ' . " They glared at each other . Then Daddy asked , in a conversational tone , which was the fifth grade teacher , assuming I would be registered in the grade whAt recess , we went to a " Cloak Room " to get our jackets . In this old East Coast city building , it was a hallway on the side of the room with coat hooks on facing walls where kids could poke and snipe at each other . The first question I got was " Hey , Schlechter , where do you keep your six - shooter ? " This was 1958 , not 1858 . San Diego was a major city . How crude to call me by my last name . Were these kids really that stupid and rude or was this one an exception ? We were lined up , boys in a line across the front of the room , girls along the windowless side . We were then marched down three flights of stairs and allowed onto the playground . First day , walk around and look to see what these kids do for fun . I was pretty good at foursquare , but no one was playing that . No team ball either . A group of smaller kids over there were playing a game of tag , some hopscotch , and double - dutch jump rope . Moma had explained jumping double - dutch , but we had only used a single rope in my last school . Mostly , kids , especially the girls , were just walking in pairs or small groups around the playground . When the bell rang they all just froze , several in really strange poses . What sort of game was this that took in all the kids in the yard ? Then another bell and the kids began walking slowly to the area by the back door we had come out of . It was there I noticed dark yellow lines with numbers at the door end readable from the back of the playground . That 's where we were to line up , boys on one side of our room number 's line , girls on the other . The teacher came and stood at the front of the lines , and after the lower numbered rooms had gone in , she led us up the three flights of stairs . Everyone had to be silent the entire way and file quietly into our seats . Now the hard part of a first day - where was I supposed to be sitting . I usually left a pencil or piece of paper on top of the desk so I could remember , but we had had to put everything inside our desks before we had been allowed out . These were old - fashioned desks with a hinged top that lifted to stow books , papers and stuff . The seat was a fold down bench attached to the desk behind . These were so old that they still had holes for the inkbottles and lots of initials scratched all over them . It also meant that you couldn 't get any space between you and the kid in front or behind you . Lunch dismissal followed the same procedure for exiting as we had done at recess . Here almost everyone went home for lunch . As I passed the small room that served as the cafeteria for those who had to stay I was very glad to be going . There was an odd smell that didn 't seem at all appealing . It was good to be in the fresh air at the end of the hall . Grandmom had told me I should run home from school because there wouldn 't be much time to eat and walk both ways as her house was at the edge of this school building 's draw area . Seemed to me that the kids in the house across the street had less distance to walk to their school , but what did I know . She had a lot of first days , once three in one school year . I 'm not sure she ever enjoyed it , but she certainly got proficient at it . It taught her to blend in , and makes her a very good traveler when we go to new countries and cultures . It was a cold morning and she just couldn 't make herself throw back the covers and get up . She 'd heard her grandfather come into the house through the basement door and then shovel the coal to throw into the furnace , but the house hadn 't warmed up much yet even though the radiators were starting to make their reassuring little noises . Her mother was stirring in the kitchen but hadn 't started upstairs as yet so Lois buried herself further under the lovely , warm covers just a while longer . Oh , there was her grandmother coughing again . She was always bringing some sickness home from school and MomKate would get it . This one had been especially bad . The doctor had quarantined the house for two weeks , so no one but family could come in and they hadn 't seen anyone . Pop had gone to the bakery to work , but it was harder for Mother as she couldn 't have ladies in for fittings . She had now finished all of the dresses she had been working on before the doctor visited and slapped the quarantine sign in the window . Mother 's ladies were beginning to ask how much longer they would need to wait to get their clothes . Mother was making the best excuses she could , but as long as MomKate and Lois were sick and Pop was at the bakery she wouldn 't leave the house . They all relied on the income from her sewing so she had to be able to keep the ladies coming back with more alterations and dresses to make . Her Mother came up the stairs with her quick purposeful steps . Almost before the board in the landing at the top of the stairs gave its warning creak to announce her arrival , the bedroom door opened . " Good morning , Sleepy Head . Just stay where you are for a minute or two more . The house isn 't very warm yet . " As usual , Mother was dressed and had done her hair already . It was important to her to keep up appearances . Today she had on a big house sweater over her housedress and pocketed apron to ward off the chill . As she spoke she was opening dresser drawers and getting out clothes for the day . The under clothes she laid very carefully over the radiator , the dress she draped over the back of the chair next to the radiator where her doll was sitting . Lois peered over the covers and out the window beyond the radiator where icicles were hanging from the roofs of all of the houses across the street . They sparkled in the sun , but she knew that it must be really cold out there for them to be that big . " I 'm going across the hall to see how your grandmother is feeling . I 'll be back in a minute . Just stay in bed till I get back . " Katherine left the room as quickly and with as much purpose as she had entered . It wasn 't easy for her to stay cheerful . Her husband was in the hospital again . It was a long ride to get there and she didn 't always have the carfare , so she could only go a few times a month . When he first came back from the war he seemed to be OK , except that he got sick a lot . Especially in the winter . Now , a dozen years later , his trips to the hospital were more frequent and each one seemed longer . The doctors told her that Ted was suffering the effects of the mustard gas the enemy had used during the battle of the Argonne in the Great War . She didn 't want to say Germans had done it because many of her aunts , uncles , and cousins still lived over there . Softly she asked her mother how she was doing this morning . Scarlet fever this time . MomKate had insisted on nursing little Lois so that Katherine could continue with her sewing . The result was that MomKate was now sicker than Lois had been and was having a more difficult time . She was still fighting the fever and seemed more tired than she ever had . After assuring her mother that though she was missed she should stay in bed , Katherine quietly closed that bedroom door so her mother could rest . She would take a tray up later . It was time for Lois to get up and begin her day . Katherine walked to the radiator and began picking up under clothes and slipping them under the covers to the lump curled in the middle . " Put them on while they are still warm . Then wash your face and comb your hair before coming down to the kitchen for breakfast . We have a lot to do today . " One of the best parts about cold mornings was having clothes warmed and then wiggling into them getting out from under the covers . The warm clothes were like armor against the cold air . It was one of the few luxuries that Katherine could give her daughter . Lois slipped on her dress and shoes and rushed to the bathroom , always a cold room , to finish getting ready . Before going downstairs she quietly opened the door to MomKate 's room . Her grandmother had gone back to sleep so she closed the door even more quietly and slipped down the stairs . " Good morning , Leibchen . Come here and give your Pop a hug . " With that Pop scooped her into his arms tickled her with the whiskers of his mustache . The strong scent of his cherry pipe tobacco clung to his whiskers . It was a pervasive and reassuring scent just like being enveloped in his strong arms . Even in his early sixties he had more vitality than many younger men . After a bout of typhoid when he was a young man have had lost all of his sandy brown hair . When his hair grew back it was black and had stayed that way . Pop and MomKate had come to live with them a year ago last summer when frequent hospital stays had caused Lois ' father , Ted , to stop working . No employer wanted someone who had to be absent as much as Ted did . Even when he was well enough to be home , he had less and less energy . One house was less expensive to run than two , and this one was less than two miles from the bakery . Pop could bring home the day old - goods from the bakery , where what hadn 't sold was thrown away . At least they had bread and rolls . Katherine had become very clever at stretching the food they had , but sometimes there just hadn 't been enough . Toward the end of the month they would have rice for most of the meals during the week . She had boiled it , fried it and baked it . She had gotten to know the butcher at the farmers market very well . He would save the bones for her . The marrow had helped make rich soup with barley and carrots that felt warm and filling going down . When she could afford a chicken it would feed them for three days . She would roast it , making most of her portion of the crispy skin . Lois needed the meat to grow strong . The giblets and wing tips went for stock . Second night she would chop it into a casserole . Third night was soup . She had learned many of her mother 's recipes . One that helped expand the food budget was spätzle . If they had any leftover meat she would put a pinch in each noodle , otherwise , boiling it in the stock from the bones and a quick fry when it was time to eat would do . Just now she was packing down the rolls that Pop had brought home with him . " Lois , I need you to do the downstairs dusting when you finish your breakfast . Then I you to take some dresses around for me . " Dusting was not one of her favorite ways to spend Saturday , but taking dress to different houses was fun . As soon as she finished eating , she got her dust rag and began in the dining room . First she took everything off of the sideboard and server . Then she dusted all of the surfaces being careful to get the dust from the grooves in the feet , because she knew her mother would look there . Then she carefully picked up each piece and gently dusted it before returning it to its place . Before moving to the living room she crawled under the dining table and wiped the legs and feet there as well . There were many knick - knacks in the living room . Every one had something that teased a warm memory of some event . There were demitasse spoons with markings from all over , a multi - shelf showcase for the little folk statues from Germany called Hümmel , and vases , and ashtrays . So much to move and dust . Little pieces of lint or threads that fell to the carpet needed to be picked up . By the time she was done , Katherine had wrapped three bundles in brown paper for her to carry to neighbors . " This package is to be taken to Mrs . Johannsen . Take it there before lunch . Remember to ask if she has anything else she wants me to do now . Don 't forget to wait for the money . Let me look at you . " As she brushed a speck of dust from Lois dress , Katherine took a comb from her apron pocket to neaten the little girl 's hair . Then as Lois buttoned her coat , Katherine tied a scarf around head and neck . Mrs . Johannsen 's house was next to the railroad tracks . Lois counted the cars of a freight train that was passing as she walked up the street . The row houses here had been built just before the depression started and were still all neatly kept . Most of the families on this side of the street still had fathers who went to work each day . On their own side of the street three families had no one working and Mr . Hill worked some weeks but not others . Reaching Mrs . Johannsen 's front door , Lois rang the doorbell and then stood tall as her mother and grandmother had taught her . " Good morning , Mrs . Johannsen . How are you today ? Mother sent me with your dress . Is there anything else you would like her to do for you just now ? " As she was talking , Mrs . Johannsen reached for an envelope on the table next to the door . Before handing over the payment , she reached for the candy dish filled with peppermint pinwheels , which was sitting next to it . " Have a candy to suck on as you walk home . I have nothing to give you today . Tell your mother that I am going into town to get fabric for a new dress for church next week . If your grandmother is well enough . I 'll come by after that to see what is to be done . Watch your step now . " And with that Lois was ushered out the door . After lunch she was sent to the house furthest away . She walked down the hill and across the bridge . The houses on this side of the river were single - family homes . She walked up to a large brick house with dark shutters at the windows . Either side of the walkway was guarded by a large tree that at this time of year had no leaves . Mrs . Coggins asked her in and opened the package while she waited . Mrs . Coggins shook the dress out and checked the seams and hem . " Your mother 's work is so fine . I have this package for you to take back with you . " She then detailed what she wanted done . For one dress , a blue faille , she gave no instructions . " I can 't seem to wear out this fabric , but I won 't wear the dress even one more time . I 'm just sick of it . Take it . Maybe your mother can do something with it . " Katherine often undid the seams and re - cut fabric from dresses like this . Then she would turn them into new clothes for Lois and herself . They took the brown paper from the dress she had brought and wrapped up the three she was to take back . Lois buttoned up her coat and started for the door with the larger package . " Oh , and here is a little something for walking all this way . " With that , Mrs . Coggins put two nickels in her hand and Lois began her cold walk home . Down the pretty street to the main road and back toward the bridge she went . At least the air was still with no wind to blow her body heat away . On the way she peeped into the windows of the stores that were between the bridge and the hill . In front of the dime store stood a Salvation Army lady next to her kettle , ringing her bell . Just seeing her made Lois feel good . Three years ago at Christmas time , her Dad in the hospital , they had no tree and no presents for anyone . On Christmas Eve a man and lady from the Salvation Army had rung their doorbell and brought her a gift . It was a doll . The most beautiful doll she had ever seen with a sweet face and eyes that closed when you lay the doll down . The only other gift they got that year was her father coming home from the hospital in time for New Year 's Day . Since then she had learned to sew by making clothes for the doll from the scraps her mother had . It was the doll she carefully sat on the chair next to the radiator each time after she played with her . She played with the doll less and less now , but still liked to see her near . Lois carefully felt the two nickels she had slipped inside her mittens . This year her father was due to come home today , they had Pop and MomKate living with them . There was even a small tree in the sun porch . She rubbed the nickels together one more time and carefully slipped them from her mittens . As she dropped them in the kettle and the lady thanked her , she thought that some other little girl must need a gift this Christmas . For the rest of her life Lois would put change in the Red Kettles at Christmas . The darkness of the arena was broken when the spotlight shot up to the high parapet above the center ring . The tightrope walker stood there in his skintight jumpsuit and soft soled shoes , staring a the cable stretching out before him . Just another night , another performance . He 'd been walking cables for as long as he could remember back into his childhood . He 'd begun with his parents standing at either end of a heavy rope that was just barely off the ground , in the same way most parents sit opposite each other when their children first begin to walk . Now it wasn 't the balancing on the wire that bothered him , but the balancing of the other facets of his life - a wife , kids , home . He 'd enjoyed his family life as a kid in the show world as they constantly moved from city to city . His family and friends moved with him and there was stability even as the scenery changed . Now he 'd met a girl who lived on the outside and didn 't understand his world . Her home had to be a solid structure . It was a place to raise kids who went to the same schools and had the same friends throughout their childhood . When they talked about it he felt a need to explain that he 'd had a good education . His parents and the other adults on the circuit were teaching the kids in the show all the time . There was more classical education and a deeper understanding of mechanical sciences in the show - biz crowd than in most public school products he 'd met . No , his folks didn 't take him to his grandparent 's house to share a roast dinner every Sunday . Hell , they didn 't go to church either , but they read the Bible and had more faith than most people . They 'd met when the show arrived at this convention center . They played here every year , but this was the first time he had seen her . His dad , a shortish man who was still as slender as a young man and well muscled , had been discussing a small change in the order of their performance with him when she walked up to them with the paperwork telling them their backstage room assignments . Her black leggings showed off a pair of beautifully turned legs - the first place he always looked . She moved with grace and balance even though he doubted that she 'd never tried a wire and probably never would . As they were settling into the rooms they had been assigned , he kept finding excuses to check in with her . She didn 't seem to mind . In fact , she had run a few errands of her own in his direction . Her eyes twinkled inviting him to spend more time with her if he dared . His life was all about daring so he 'd asked her to dinner after the show . She 'd turned him down . Not just a " No , thank you . " turn down , but letting him know he wasn 't good enough for her . He was nothing more than a gypsy and she only dated stable , settled men . What was stable ? At eighteen , he had a good job , a decent bank account , and a bright future . He understood how the business ran and planned to take it over when his folks retired . He wasn 't just some flake who played his days away . His just wasn 't a conventional career path . Couldn 't she see him as more than just a passing entertainment in her life . His walk was over . He 'd crossed the wire and stood on the other parapet accepting the applause from below . Then he saw her by the exit . She was standing with a townie , a local guy , obviously well off . Just behind her was Janelle , the tall red - headed daughter from the family that rode the trick show horses . Come to think of it , she had really well turned legs . . .

Today Mother was taking her to get a new pair of shoes . She was a petite , fine boned girl who looked younger than her seven years . Mother kept her hair in a short bob with deep bangs framing her ocean blue eyes that today were sparkling with excitement . A new pair of shoes was a very important event . Her feet were very narrow so that her shoes had to be specially ordered , making them expensive , and her family didn 't have much money . Her father had a job , but was often sick so there were many payless weeks . Today Mother and Lois would take the trolley to 69th Street to get her shoes , then the subway and el to visit with Aunt Louise so she was wearing her good navy blue dress and a fluffy sweater MomKate had knit . She slipped on the coat her mother had made and put the muff string under her collar . She liked her muff on these very cold days . It looked like a drum made of bunny fur , open on both ends so that when she put her hands in the muff , the cuffs of her coat sealed the ends from all the cold . She twirled around to show how pretty she looked . Well , except for the very worn shoes , but she would have her new ones soon . They walked a block down to the Pike then several blocks to the trolley station . She kept dancing around on the platform , which annoyed Mother who thought she should stand still , but the cold was coming up through the cement and into her shoes . Her feet were too cold to stand still . When the trolley arrived Mother gave her little help up to the first step . They moved to the middle of the car . Most of the seats were still empty because this was only the second stop . They chose a bench and sat facing the direction they were going . Mother didn 't like to ride backwards . She got to sit next to the window where she could brace her feet on a small ledge while watching the houses go by . The closer they got to 69th Street the fuller the car became until there was only one seat left . Mother made Lois take her hand when they got to the Station because there were so many people , some going to other trains or trolleys or out to the shops like they were . They crossed the street and walked half way up the hill to Mother 's favorite store , Lit Brothers , where they had ordered her shoes . As soon as they got inside , Mother almost dragged Lois through the first floor to the shoe department . Mother was in a hurry so that they could catch the next subway train and have as much time as possible with Aunt Louise . The clerk brought out the box and carefully unwrapped the shoes . Nestled inside the tissue paper was a dark brown pair of maryjanes . Lois hopped up on the chair and the clerk sat on the special stool in front of her . After removing her worn , right shoe he gently slid the new shoe onto her foot and asked how it felt . It was so pretty with a bit of room for her toes to grow , but the side of the shoe hugged her foot around the arch and heel . He repeated with the left shoe and helped her off the chair to walk a short way to confirm the shoes fit well . Both Mother and the clerk pushed down on the tip of the toe to be sure that there was some grow room . Lois was all smiles as she looked at her feet in the mirror to see how prettyThey just made it to the subway and seated themselves when it began to move . They were looking forward to seeing Aunt Louise , who wasn 't really her aunt , but her godmother . Her mother and Aunt Louise had lived on 2 Street and gone to school together . They and their husbands had dated as a foursome before both men had gone to the Great War . When the men came home Aunt Louise had married Uncle Ed , moved northward in the city . Mother , Katherine , had married Ted , and they found a house in a southwestern suburb . The foursome still enjoyed each others company and got together whenever they could , which was less often than Mother and Aunt Louise would have liked . Lois always liked to be with Aunt Louise with her constant smile and jolly laugh . Everything at Aunt Louise 's house seem to be fun while her own home was more serious , especially when her father was sick , which he was more and more often . The only problem at Aunt Louise 's house was Jimmy , her son . He was three months older than she and believed that meant he could decide what they would do when they played together . He was always teasing her about something , often until she wanted to cry . But she would never give him that satisfaction . The warmth of Aunt Louise 's kitchen was welcoming after the walk from the bus stop in the cold wind . The aroma of the hot lunch Aunt Louise had made drew them in as well . First thing Lois did was to pirouette before Aunt Louise to show off her new shoes . Aunt Louise liked them a lot , which pleased Lois . As soon as the tea was ready they all sat at the kitchen table . Aunt Louise always made her fell so grown up . Today she had made a cup of half hot tea and half warm milk and sugar . Lois sat up straight and tall the way Mother liked and tried not to make any crumbs . Jimmy seemed to be eating as fast as he could and urged her to hurry . He had made plans to go ice - skating and didn 't want to make his friends wait . Aunt Louise said how Jimmy should take Lois with him , to which he made a face . Lois tried to beg off . After all , she hadn 't brought skates nor was she dressed for skating . Actually , she had didn 't own any skates and she was dressed for visiting not playing . Aunt Louise would have none of it . She insisted that Jimmy take her with him and even had a spare pair of clamp on ice skates Lois could use . It would also give the two mothers a chance to visit without the noise of the children . Aunt Louise found an old pair of Jimmy 's trousers for Lois to slip on under dress . The mothers made sure that the children were all bundled up and shooed them out the door . Jimmy took off at a run to get to the corner where he told the other kids he would meet them . Lois had to run to keep up . It was an up hill walk to the pond . They all put their skates on and Jimmy took the time to be sure that Lois had hers on properly . The others had skated before and raced all around the edge . Lois gingerly skated in little circles as she learned to balance and turn , speed up and slow down to a stop . Soon she began to feel comfortable and began skating in larger and larger circles . By then the others were just about back to where they had started and began yelling at her . She couldn 't make out what they were saying , but she knew she was getting better and skating more surely . Then she felt as much as heard a cracking sound and there was nothing under her feet . Everything was dark and murky . Next thing she could see was a hand , then an arm , and Jimmy 's face . He was urging her to grab his hand . The other kids had his feet . All the clothes had trapped enough air that she had a little buoyancy . That would soon disappear as her clothes absorbed the cold water . She stretched as hard as she could and managed to reach Jimmy 's hand . Soon she was free of the water and on the ground next to the pond . Two sets of hands were removing the ice skates . Then they were pushing her up and telling her to run . She didn 't want to run . All she wanted was to get rid of the wet clothes and get warm . They were all shouting at her so she began to edge away . Jimmy began pushing her . Turning she tried to get away from all the shouting and pushing . She couldn 't run fast enough to escape . Jimmy kept pushing . She tripped and fell , so he began to roll her down the hill . The snow stuck to her wet clothes till she began to look like a snowman . When they needed to cross the street several sets of hands pulled her up and shoved her across . Then they began to chase and shove her again . Jimmy was shouting for Aunt Louise before he even opened the back gate . As they reached the porch Aunt Louise and Mother had appeared at the kitchen door . They grabbed her . Mother began pulling off her wet clothes while Aunt Louise ran for towels . As the big warm fluffy towels were wrapped around her she saw her pretty new shoes were now all wet , stained , and wrinkled . All she could do was cry because she knew they would never be pretty again . Jimmy kept telling her to stop bawling while he stuffed her shoes with newspaper . She seemed to be the only one upset about the once pretty pair of maryjanes . Both mothers were busy praising Jimmy for getting her back so quickly and it was all his fault . He was the reason they had been ice - skating , that she fallen through to the cold water that soaked her beautiful new shoes . He was the one who had pushed , shoved , and rolled her all the way back to Aunt Louise 's house . And here she was crying in front of Jimmy . What had begun as a joyfully entertaining day was now in ruins as were her lovely new shoes . This story is part of Suzy 's family lore . The girl Lois is Suzy 's mother , and Lois and Jim married in 1942 , literally the night before he left to fly off US Navy aircraft carriers in the Pacific Theater . These pictures are from approximately the time of the story . Slowly she became aware that the sun was brightly gleaming through the window , but the house was still quiet . Surely , it was late enough that she should be able to hear someone in the kitchen making breakfast . Looking at the window she could see thick ice on the glass . Grandmom said that the glazing was from Jack Frost 's breath when he peeked in the window during the night . Carefully she stuck her foot outside the covers . Brr , the air was cold . Grandmom usually came in and put her clothes on the radiator to warm , but the radiator was empty . Nothing to be done about it . Throwing back the covers she slid her feet over the edge and reached for the floor slipping down the last couple of inches . The carpet felt cold to her toes . She tugged at the top dresser drawer . It was a wide drawer and she had trouble making it pull out evenly and it jammed before it was open wide enough for her to slip her hand in and reach her under clothes . With the heel of her left hand she banged on the drawer , freeing it and she tried again to open it . She had to do it twice more before she could reach in and get her panties , undershirt , slip and socks . After neatly draping them on top of the radiator she walked over to the armoire and opened the door on the right where the longer things were hung . Not remembering any plans to go out today she tugged at an everyday dress until it came off the hanger and added it to the other things on the radiator . The radiator was putting out lots of heat , which was in contrast to the cold she could feel seeping in through the window . She reached her hand to the glass and tried to warm a spot on the window large enough to look out onto the street . Yesterday they had had a big snow . No cars seemed to be moving and so it was very quiet out there , too . It was the morning after a big storm and the sky was a brilliant blue and the sun so bright on the snow that it was hard to keep her eyes open and she had to look away . The adults must be very busy because no one seemed to have heard her walking around and coThe stairs in Grandmom 's house were steep so she always held onto the banister , except for the third step . It creaked , so she would step to the wall side . It was a game she played with herself , to go all the way down without the steps making a sound . Reaching the bottom step she looked over to the sunroom . Grandmom usually sat in the corner seat to watch the big kids walk to school , but Grandmom wasn 't there . It felt late , so maybe the kids had already passed , or maybe this wasn 't a school day . It really didn 't matter . Cheerfully she turned to look for Butchie , the black cocker spaniel that lived in this house . He always greeted her in the morning . He was so funny . As he came into the living room he was wagging his tail so hard that the entire back half of his body went from side to side with abandon . Then he tried to get so close that he knocked her over and she bumped into the coffee table and they landed in a heap together on the floor . She scratched behind his ears the way he liked , then they both got up and started for the kitchen . She caught a glimpse of herself in the dinning room mirror . Grandmom would tell her she looked like a ragamuffin . She hadn 't run a comb through her hair and it was sticking out randomly . Hair could be done later . Now , it was time for breakfast . Still no Mom or Grandmom , but that was okay because she knew how to make a scrambled egg . She had watched Mom and Grandmom lots of times . She took an egg from the dish in the icebox . That 's what Grandmom called it , even though it had a motor on top . The only ice was the cubes in the tray in the open freezing shelf . Not wanting to break the egg too soon she carefully carried it to the counter and set it on the dishrag so it wouldn 't roll . Then she got the little cup Grandmom used to scramble eggs and the cooking fork . Grandmom had a cute little frying pan just big enough for one egg , which she took from the cabinet and put on the stove . Kneeling on a chair , she thumped the egg against the edge of the cup , but it didn 't crack . She tried again . Why had she been so careful carrying it when it wouldn 't break anyway ? She hit it more sharply and half the egg and shell went into the cup and the other half fell onto the drain board . She lowered the cup into the sink and pushed the spilled half into the cup then fished out the two shell halves . It was half scrambled already . Mom always put a slosh of milk into the egg with salt and pepper before scrambling , so she climbed down and went back to the icebox . Grandmom 's milk came in glass , quart bottles with long necks . That made them easier to carry . She needed to shake the bottle because the cream had separated . The little paper lids didn 't stay on well once the bottle had been opened so she put her palm across the top of the bottle . She knew she had to pour slowly and carefully because it would be easy to get too much milk with the egg . She was so careful that it seemed to take forever for the milk to come out and then it splashed . Oh well , everyone said that it was good to drink lots of milk . She shook some pepper onto the egg milk mix and watched it float . Then she shook a little salt . Then a bit more . It seemed to gather in the center of the pepper island . Maybe a bit more . Then the salt began to sink and take the pepper with it . She guessed that was enough sShe needed to find them . Where could they be ? Doing the wash ? She slid off the chair , put what was left of the egg down for Butchie to eat . She could get the dish later . Opening the door to the cellar she listened for the washing machine . She couldn 't hear it nor could she hear any voices , but she started down the steps to be sure . One , two , three , four , oops … In slow motion she began to tumble and bounce down the steps . They went on and on and she was still tumbling . It should hurt , but it didn 't . She just kept falling and falling . " The storm is over . There 's lot of snow and sunshine outside . After a nice , warm breakfast we 'll get the sled out . Your Mom and Granddad can go down the hill with you . " Somewhat sullenly the little girl walked down the street , hugging her sweater tight around her . It wasn 't that she was cold , but the calendar read " December " so she needed a sweater . At least , that 's what Moma said . Her knobby knees stuck out below the hem of her full - skirted cotton dress as she shuffled along looking for leaves to kick . There weren 't very many as here most of the plants kept their leaves all year long . If only she walked slowly enough her girl friend might catch up with her before she arrived at the schoolyard . Victoria always had answers to questions that she didn 't even know enough to ask about . That morning had been the usual rush to get out on time with Moma standing at the door holding her sweater and brown - bag lunch trying to make her hurry so that she wouldn 't be late . She 'd run across the lawn to the house next door to collect her friend , but had been curtly informed that Victoria wasn 't ready as her hair had yet to be combed so there was no point in waiting . Here was the final block before the schoolyard and Victoria was nowhere to be seen . She 'd have to wait to ask until the walk home . This school was pretty easy . Her father expected that she be one of the top five scorers in her class . She could do that just by listening , and they didn 't give real homework here . That bothered her parents , but not her . The last assignment had to been to bring in twigs to make a holiday scene to take home as a Christmas decoration . They had each been given a stiff piece of cardboard and a small mirror . She had glued hers to the near right corner of her cardboard . Then Mrs . Wickford poured a white , slurry into a bowl between each pair of pupils at the shared desks . Each had a small wooden ice cream cup spoon to spread the white glop onto the cardboard and over the edges of the mirror . Then they were to quickly stick their twigs into the glop to create a winter scene with bare trees . Carefully she stuck her twigs toward the top of her project with a scattering closer to the mirror . The boy next to her placed his twigs evenly around his centered mirror . Mrs . Wickford told them to slide , not lift , their project to the upper center of their tables so the white stuff could set while everyone went to lunch . As soon as they had cleaned up they were dismissed . She grabbed her lunch bag and left her sweater . The morning haze was gone and the sun was warm . She and her friends sat at their usual picnic table far from the cafeteria door . The smells from the lunches they served in there were always yucky . She was supposed to buy a container of milk , but that would take time she didn 't want to waste . Getting to the playground was more important . She opened her bag to see what Moma had packed for her today : a wax paper wrapped sandwich , another packet with cookies , and a foil wrapped orange that was pressing on the sandwich . She took a couple of big bites of the dry and orange dented bologna sandwich then she squished the rest back into the waxed paper and moved on to the cookies . Moma never put much mustard on the bread so as to keep it from getting soggy . Moma never used mayonnaise , which could spoil , so the sandwich was The girls behind her in line were talking about what they were going to get for Christmas . One said her mother had taken her to a store and they had picked out a couple of dresses , and she had asked for one of the new dolls that looked like grown up ladies . The other girl said she had gotten one of those dolls for her birthday and wanted clothes for it . Neither had visited with Santa . After school she had walked up the hill with Jean . That was slow going because Jean had had polio and walked with a big limp . Her left leg was a lot shorter than her right . Jean had spent her summer vacation in the hospital where she had had surgery on her short leg . Jean never played foursquare or kick - ball or on the bars . Once in a while the little girl would sit with Jean at the edge of the playground and they would play jacks . She felt sorry that most of the other kids ignored Jean . She knew how it felt to watch the others and not be welcome to join them . By the time she got to the top of the hill most of the other kids had already disappeared . She looked at her watch . Time to run so Moma wouldn 't be upset that she had taken too long to come home from school . After diner Daddy told Moma that he and the little girl were going out to take care of some business . An errand with Daddy ? On a school night ? And Moma didn 't protest , just nodded and scooped her little brother up to get him ready for bed . Daddy wouldn 't tell her anything , just kept shushing her and telling her to wait until they were in the car . He even let her ride in the front seat . Everything looked a little different from here so she was quiet for a bit . They drove past the street she walked down to go to school and started down the front of the mesa to the shopping center . As they parked and began walking to the stores , Daddy asked what she thought Moma would want for Christmas . Hadn 't Moma written her own letter to Santa ? Daddy explained that they were to be Santa 's helpers and get something Moma would like . By then they were walking into a ladies store . The first thing she noticed was that the store smelled so good . Then there were two mannequins dressed in the New Look . One of the shop ladies had come up and asked Daddy what she could help him with . He told her that he and his daughter were being Santa for his wife and that they wanted one of the skirts like the one on the mannequin . The lady asked if they knew what size they wanted and Daddy simply put his hands out and drew Moma in the air . The skirt the lady brought was the same style in a beautiful , shimmery emerald green . She put out a cream colored boat necked top with three - quarter length sleeves to go with the skirt . Daddy , looking down to the little girl , asked her if she thought Moma would like them . She gently reached her hand out to touch the cool silky quilted skirt . Oh , yes , it was perfect . The lady carefully wrapped each piece and put them in a box . Christmas vacation began that Friday after school . She walked home carefully with her snow scene project . Moma put it on the top shelf of a bookcase explaining that her brother wouldn 't be able to reach it there . Moma washed the dishes and she dried as they cleaned up after dinner . She worried about how to ask Moma her question . Victoria had laughed and told her that she was such a baby to still believe in Santa Claus . She really wanted Santa Claus to be real . Moma had taken her to see him at the store . She had noticed that his beard was tied on . When she asked Moma about it , Moma had explained that Santa was very busy at this time of year and that that person was an elf sent to take messages to Santa . But what about Victoria laughing at her ? What about shopping with Daddy ? Moma found a couple more things to wash up and the girl finally just blurted out her question : was Santa Claus real ? Then she kept babbling about all the hints she had heard that year that led her to think he was just a made up story . Moma stopped , took the towel from her . While drying her hands , Moma gave her one of those slow , quizzical stares . Finally , she put the towel down , sat on a kitchen chair , and put her daughter on her lap . Very softly she said that Santa Claus was a spirit . The spirit of Christmas . Everyone could carry that spirit in their hearts . At this time of year , Santa Claus was a fun way of sharing and giving gifts . As we grew up we each were able to play Santa for those we loved and especially for little ones . Now , the girl could be part of the spirit of Santa Claus and help make things joyful for others and it was her turn to keep the secret . Christmas Eve , after decorating the tree she and her brother were given their stockings to hang . She showed her little brother how to do it by hanging hers , then helping him to hang his own . She winked and smiled at Moma . The next morning she watched her brother tear into his gifts , and made sure Moma knew who had given her what gifts as she opened her own . Later Moma would supervise as she wrote thank - you notes to each person who had given a gift . Then she watched as Moma opened the gift she and Daddy had gotten . Moma 's eyes widened , and twinkled as she caressed the fabric . Then Moma ran to their bedroom and put on the new outfit . She looked as beautiful as the ladies in the magazines as she twirled to show how the skirt moved . For the first time the little girl with braids and knobby knees knew what fun it was to embody the spirit of playing Santa Claus . He was just of average height and had ropey muscles indicating a vigorous , young man 's strength from years of working on the family farm . His family had come to this valley in western Pennsylvania with some of the first settlers , and different branches of the family had owned land all over the valley . The early morning July sun promised a hot day . Pushing a shock of dirty blond hair off his already damp forehead , his light blue eyes looked out over the field of winter wheat . It 's golden hue and fat heads told him it was ready for harvest . The air was still , and there was a bit of sparkle from the remaining dew . Within the hour the grass and fields would be dry and they could start harvesting . He and his brother , Will , had just finished the alfalfa last week . . His father was pleased that they had finished before the Independence Day celebration . Mother had spent the week working to prepare the food for the family picnic . The holiday fell on Friday so that those who came from a bit farther stayed over to attend Sabbath Meeting before returning to their homes after dinner Sunday afternoon . Just now the family was mostly women and children and old men . The preacher had spoken about the war and all of the men who were away fighting . Brother Jack is on some island in South Carolina fighting this war . He 's been gone most of a year now . The Sharp cousins had gone earlier . Shortly after Jack left , their father had taken ill . It had seemed to take a long time for him to get his strength back . Jamie and Will were still doing most of the heavy work and everything took longer with fewer hands . Jack kept writing that their father shouldn 't fret about him , but both parent watched for the mail carrier each day hoping for some proof that Jack was still among the living . Jack had helped put in the winter wheat last August , then joined up with Daniel Leasure and the100th Infantry , Pennsylvania Volunteers . Lawrence County had provided the men for F Company under James Cline . The Round Heads had pledged three years , but nobody thought it would take that long . In his early letters , Jack had written that they expected the war to be over by spring and he would be home by planting . They had gone to Camp Kalorama Heights , near Washington , D . C . for training . Then in the fall , his regiment had gone in a convoy of seven ships to North Carolina where they spent the winter on James Island . Now the fighting wasn 't going as well and Jack saw no end to it . Jamie stepped off the porch and with an easy stride headed to the barn to get his hook . He knew Will would be along soon . Will was still reading all the details about the war that were in the newspaper Mother had brought home from town . Jamie was looking forward to the rhythm of cutting the wheat , which would leave a lot of time to think , and he had a lot to think about just now . They had gotten a letter from his brother - in - law , A . J . , just last week . A . J . said he hoped the drill Jamie had done would be sufficient satisfaction of Military Duty to keep his war fever down . A . J . had come to the conclusion the he would much rather serve this great nation at home by cultivating the soil . He encouraged Jamie to value the production of food to feed the soldiers and those at home . He wrote that he requested Jamie not to go to War , but let somebody else fight to free the Negroes . Jamie didn 't know much about the Negroes , except that many were slaves , mostly in the south . He 'd never even seen one . In these parts they rarely even saw an Indian . He had read Governor Curtin 's call for volunteers . Governor Curtin said that Washington was in imminent danger of being over run by the rebels . The regiments he had sent before had been sent to many places and now President Lincoln needed more men to protect Washington . Jamie did want to keep our great Union together . His brother was marching and being fired upon . Word had come back that several of the young men he knew and had grown up with were dead . Every generation of his family before him had fought for this country except his father who had had the disadvantage of being born in 1812 , and thus unable to defend his country in the war of that year . When Jamie was eleven there had been the War with Mexico . President Polk had not asked for volunteers to fight there and Jamie didn 't know anyone who had gone . Now , at twenty - seven Jamie was looking forward to buying his own farm , getting married and starting a family . After Sabbath meeting he had been visiting with Sarah . She seJamie cut the wheat and Will bundled it into shocks to dry . The weather held and by the end of the week it was time to separate the wheat heads from the straw . Then they baled the hay and stored it in the barn . On Saturday , the 19th , Jamie and Will walked into Harlansburg . Jamie had decided and Will wouldn 't be left behind . If they signed with this new group , the 134th , it would be for only nine months . He would be home by next spring . He would trust in the Great Giver of all good things that he would only miss one fall planting . He signed . On Friday , 8 August , Jamie and Will kissed their Mother and shook hands with their father and set off up the road for Harlansburg where they were taken by wagon to New Castle . At 4 P . M . they boarded a boat and started down river for Pittsburgh . They took heart from Jack 's letters about Army life . Now they were on their way to places they had never seen and their lives would be very different . Yet , Jamie was at peace . His decision had been made . He would fight in this war . He would be part of the Grand Army of the Republic and hold this great Union together . Did these kids really not know where California was ? April of my fifth grade and this was my seventh school . I knew it would take a few days for the faces to take on features . I would talk to most of them this first week as they tried to figure out who I was , then hardly any of them for a while as they settled back to their daily routines . That would give me time to catch up on whatever subject they had gotten further in than I had . It wouldn 't be geography with this group . We were staying with my grandparents while waiting for housing to become available at the next duty station . It meant that this was just a stop over and I didn 't know why I had to go to school until the move was complete . We were to go to Cuba where there was a limited amount of on base housing . We needed to stay with our grandparents until our name came to the top of the waiting list . As it turned out , this move would take more than a year and we would never get to the next duty station because of an auto accident my father would suffer after he had gone ahead . Today , we still had a week before he would leave so he had taken me to enroll in the same school he had attended for grade school . He had walked me in the front door , which was apparently only for use when you were with a parent . As we had walked down the hall he read all the plaques and studied all the photos , then he chuckled and we walked into the office . We walked up to a tall , dark wooden counter where Daddy announced the reason for our being there . The woman who was to register me was very stern looking with a small narrow face , dark hair sprinkled with a little white , and glasses . When Daddy handed her my papers and report card from the school in San Diego she just frowned . As she opened my report card , she flatly stated , " It is our policy to put children coming from a California school one year below their grade of record . Our curriculum progresses much more rapidly than theirs and we don 't want to set a child up for failure . " Suddenly Daddy was wearing the white line that showed over his upper lip when he was angry . Speaking very softly and slowly , another bad sign , he asked , " When you opened her report card , did you read it ? Did you see the part at the beginning explaining what the grades mean ? She has straight ' E 's which stands for ' excellent ' not ' conditional failure ' . " They glared at each other . Then Daddy asked , in a conversational tone , which was the fifth grade teacher , assuming I would be registered in the grade whAt recess , we went to a " Cloak Room " to get our jackets . In this old East Coast city building , it was a hallway on the side of the room with coat hooks on facing walls where kids could poke and snipe at each other . The first question I got was " Hey , Schlechter , where do you keep your six - shooter ? " This was 1958 , not 1858 . San Diego was a major city . How crude to call me by my last name . Were these kids really that stupid and rude or was this one an exception ? We were lined up , boys in a line across the front of the room , girls along the windowless side . We were then marched down three flights of stairs and allowed onto the playground . First day , walk around and look to see what these kids do for fun . I was pretty good at foursquare , but no one was playing that . No team ball either . A group of smaller kids over there were playing a game of tag , some hopscotch , and double - dutch jump rope . Moma had explained jumping double - dutch , but we had only used a single rope in my last school . Mostly , kids , especially the girls , were just walking in pairs or small groups around the playground . When the bell rang they all just froze , several in really strange poses . What sort of game was this that took in all the kids in the yard ? Then another bell and the kids began walking slowly to the area by the back door we had come out of . It was there I noticed dark yellow lines with numbers at the door end readable from the back of the playground . That 's where we were to line up , boys on one side of our room number 's line , girls on the other . The teacher came and stood at the front of the lines , and after the lower numbered rooms had gone in , she led us up the three flights of stairs . Everyone had to be silent the entire way and file quietly into our seats . Now the hard part of a first day - where was I supposed to be sitting . I usually left a pencil or piece of paper on top of the desk so I could remember , but we had had to put everything inside our desks before we had been allowed out . These were old - fashioned desks with a hinged top that lifted to stow books , papers and stuff . The seat was a fold down bench attached to the desk behind . These were so old that they still had holes for the inkbottles and lots of initials scratched all over them . It also meant that you couldn 't get any space between you and the kid in front or behind you . Lunch dismissal followed the same procedure for exiting as we had done at recess . Here almost everyone went home for lunch . As I passed the small room that served as the cafeteria for those who had to stay I was very glad to be going . There was an odd smell that didn 't seem at all appealing . It was good to be in the fresh air at the end of the hall . Grandmom had told me I should run home from school because there wouldn 't be much time to eat and walk both ways as her house was at the edge of this school building 's draw area . Seemed to me that the kids in the house across the street had less distance to walk to their school , but what did I know . She had a lot of first days , once three in one school year . I 'm not sure she ever enjoyed it , but she certainly got proficient at it . It taught her to blend in , and makes her a very good traveler when we go to new countries and cultures . It was a cold morning and she just couldn 't make herself throw back the covers and get up . She 'd heard her grandfather come into the house through the basement door and then shovel the coal to throw into the furnace , but the house hadn 't warmed up much yet even though the radiators were starting to make their reassuring little noises . Her mother was stirring in the kitchen but hadn 't started upstairs as yet so Lois buried herself further under the lovely , warm covers just a while longer . Oh , there was her grandmother coughing again . She was always bringing some sickness home from school and MomKate would get it . This one had been especially bad . The doctor had quarantined the house for two weeks , so no one but family could come in and they hadn 't seen anyone . Pop had gone to the bakery to work , but it was harder for Mother as she couldn 't have ladies in for fittings . She had now finished all of the dresses she had been working on before the doctor visited and slapped the quarantine sign in the window . Mother 's ladies were beginning to ask how much longer they would need to wait to get their clothes . Mother was making the best excuses she could , but as long as MomKate and Lois were sick and Pop was at the bakery she wouldn 't leave the house . They all relied on the income from her sewing so she had to be able to keep the ladies coming back with more alterations and dresses to make . Her Mother came up the stairs with her quick purposeful steps . Almost before the board in the landing at the top of the stairs gave its warning creak to announce her arrival , the bedroom door opened . " Good morning , Sleepy Head . Just stay where you are for a minute or two more . The house isn 't very warm yet . " As usual , Mother was dressed and had done her hair already . It was important to her to keep up appearances . Today she had on a big house sweater over her housedress and pocketed apron to ward off the chill . As she spoke she was opening dresser drawers and getting out clothes for the day . The under clothes she laid very carefully over the radiator , the dress she draped over the back of the chair next to the radiator where her doll was sitting . Lois peered over the covers and out the window beyond the radiator where icicles were hanging from the roofs of all of the houses across the street . They sparkled in the sun , but she knew that it must be really cold out there for them to be that big . " I 'm going across the hall to see how your grandmother is feeling . I 'll be back in a minute . Just stay in bed till I get back . " Katherine left the room as quickly and with as much purpose as she had entered . It wasn 't easy for her to stay cheerful . Her husband was in the hospital again . It was a long ride to get there and she didn 't always have the carfare , so she could only go a few times a month . When he first came back from the war he seemed to be OK , except that he got sick a lot . Especially in the winter . Now , a dozen years later , his trips to the hospital were more frequent and each one seemed longer . The doctors told her that Ted was suffering the effects of the mustard gas the enemy had used during the battle of the Argonne in the Great War . She didn 't want to say Germans had done it because many of her aunts , uncles , and cousins still lived over there . Softly she asked her mother how she was doing this morning . Scarlet fever this time . MomKate had insisted on nursing little Lois so that Katherine could continue with her sewing . The result was that MomKate was now sicker than Lois had been and was having a more difficult time . She was still fighting the fever and seemed more tired than she ever had . After assuring her mother that though she was missed she should stay in bed , Katherine quietly closed that bedroom door so her mother could rest . She would take a tray up later . It was time for Lois to get up and begin her day . Katherine walked to the radiator and began picking up under clothes and slipping them under the covers to the lump curled in the middle . " Put them on while they are still warm . Then wash your face and comb your hair before coming down to the kitchen for breakfast . We have a lot to do today . " One of the best parts about cold mornings was having clothes warmed and then wiggling into them getting out from under the covers . The warm clothes were like armor against the cold air . It was one of the few luxuries that Katherine could give her daughter . Lois slipped on her dress and shoes and rushed to the bathroom , always a cold room , to finish getting ready . Before going downstairs she quietly opened the door to MomKate 's room . Her grandmother had gone back to sleep so she closed the door even more quietly and slipped down the stairs . " Good morning , Leibchen . Come here and give your Pop a hug . " With that Pop scooped her into his arms tickled her with the whiskers of his mustache . The strong scent of his cherry pipe tobacco clung to his whiskers . It was a pervasive and reassuring scent just like being enveloped in his strong arms . Even in his early sixties he had more vitality than many younger men . After a bout of typhoid when he was a young man have had lost all of his sandy brown hair . When his hair grew back it was black and had stayed that way . Pop and MomKate had come to live with them a year ago last summer when frequent hospital stays had caused Lois ' father , Ted , to stop working . No employer wanted someone who had to be absent as much as Ted did . Even when he was well enough to be home , he had less and less energy . One house was less expensive to run than two , and this one was less than two miles from the bakery . Pop could bring home the day old - goods from the bakery , where what hadn 't sold was thrown away . At least they had bread and rolls . Katherine had become very clever at stretching the food they had , but sometimes there just hadn 't been enough . Toward the end of the month they would have rice for most of the meals during the week . She had boiled it , fried it and baked it . She had gotten to know the butcher at the farmers market very well . He would save the bones for her . The marrow had helped make rich soup with barley and carrots that felt warm and filling going down . When she could afford a chicken it would feed them for three days . She would roast it , making most of her portion of the crispy skin . Lois needed the meat to grow strong . The giblets and wing tips went for stock . Second night she would chop it into a casserole . Third night was soup . She had learned many of her mother 's recipes . One that helped expand the food budget was spätzle . If they had any leftover meat she would put a pinch in each noodle , otherwise , boiling it in the stock from the bones and a quick fry when it was time to eat would do . Just now she was packing down the rolls that Pop had brought home with him . " Lois , I need you to do the downstairs dusting when you finish your breakfast . Then I you to take some dresses around for me . " Dusting was not one of her favorite ways to spend Saturday , but taking dress to different houses was fun . As soon as she finished eating , she got her dust rag and began in the dining room . First she took everything off of the sideboard and server . Then she dusted all of the surfaces being careful to get the dust from the grooves in the feet , because she knew her mother would look there . Then she carefully picked up each piece and gently dusted it before returning it to its place . Before moving to the living room she crawled under the dining table and wiped the legs and feet there as well . There were many knick - knacks in the living room . Every one had something that teased a warm memory of some event . There were demitasse spoons with markings from all over , a multi - shelf showcase for the little folk statues from Germany called Hümmel , and vases , and ashtrays . So much to move and dust . Little pieces of lint or threads that fell to the carpet needed to be picked up . By the time she was done , Katherine had wrapped three bundles in brown paper for her to carry to neighbors . " This package is to be taken to Mrs . Johannsen . Take it there before lunch . Remember to ask if she has anything else she wants me to do now . Don 't forget to wait for the money . Let me look at you . " As she brushed a speck of dust from Lois dress , Katherine took a comb from her apron pocket to neaten the little girl 's hair . Then as Lois buttoned her coat , Katherine tied a scarf around head and neck . Mrs . Johannsen 's house was next to the railroad tracks . Lois counted the cars of a freight train that was passing as she walked up the street . The row houses here had been built just before the depression started and were still all neatly kept . Most of the families on this side of the street still had fathers who went to work each day . On their own side of the street three families had no one working and Mr . Hill worked some weeks but not others . Reaching Mrs . Johannsen 's front door , Lois rang the doorbell and then stood tall as her mother and grandmother had taught her . " Good morning , Mrs . Johannsen . How are you today ? Mother sent me with your dress . Is there anything else you would like her to do for you just now ? " As she was talking , Mrs . Johannsen reached for an envelope on the table next to the door . Before handing over the payment , she reached for the candy dish filled with peppermint pinwheels , which was sitting next to it . " Have a candy to suck on as you walk home . I have nothing to give you today . Tell your mother that I am going into town to get fabric for a new dress for church next week . If your grandmother is well enough . I 'll come by after that to see what is to be done . Watch your step now . " And with that Lois was ushered out the door . After lunch she was sent to the house furthest away . She walked down the hill and across the bridge . The houses on this side of the river were single - family homes . She walked up to a large brick house with dark shutters at the windows . Either side of the walkway was guarded by a large tree that at this time of year had no leaves . Mrs . Coggins asked her in and opened the package while she waited . Mrs . Coggins shook the dress out and checked the seams and hem . " Your mother 's work is so fine . I have this package for you to take back with you . " She then detailed what she wanted done . For one dress , a blue faille , she gave no instructions . " I can 't seem to wear out this fabric , but I won 't wear the dress even one more time . I 'm just sick of it . Take it . Maybe your mother can do something with it . " Katherine often undid the seams and re - cut fabric from dresses like this . Then she would turn them into new clothes for Lois and herself . They took the brown paper from the dress she had brought and wrapped up the three she was to take back . Lois buttoned up her coat and started for the door with the larger package . " Oh , and here is a little something for walking all this way . " With that , Mrs . Coggins put two nickels in her hand and Lois began her cold walk home . Down the pretty street to the main road and back toward the bridge she went . At least the air was still with no wind to blow her body heat away . On the way she peeped into the windows of the stores that were between the bridge and the hill . In front of the dime store stood a Salvation Army lady next to her kettle , ringing her bell . Just seeing her made Lois feel good . Three years ago at Christmas time , her Dad in the hospital , they had no tree and no presents for anyone . On Christmas Eve a man and lady from the Salvation Army had rung their doorbell and brought her a gift . It was a doll . The most beautiful doll she had ever seen with a sweet face and eyes that closed when you lay the doll down . The only other gift they got that year was her father coming home from the hospital in time for New Year 's Day . Since then she had learned to sew by making clothes for the doll from the scraps her mother had . It was the doll she carefully sat on the chair next to the radiator each time after she played with her . She played with the doll less and less now , but still liked to see her near . Lois carefully felt the two nickels she had slipped inside her mittens . This year her father was due to come home today , they had Pop and MomKate living with them . There was even a small tree in the sun porch . She rubbed the nickels together one more time and carefully slipped them from her mittens . As she dropped them in the kettle and the lady thanked her , she thought that some other little girl must need a gift this Christmas . For the rest of her life Lois would put change in the Red Kettles at Christmas . The darkness of the arena was broken when the spotlight shot up to the high parapet above the center ring . The tightrope walker stood there in his skintight jumpsuit and soft soled shoes , staring a the cable stretching out before him . Just another night , another performance . He 'd been walking cables for as long as he could remember back into his childhood . He 'd begun with his parents standing at either end of a heavy rope that was just barely off the ground , in the same way most parents sit opposite each other when their children first begin to walk . Now it wasn 't the balancing on the wire that bothered him , but the balancing of the other facets of his life - a wife , kids , home . He 'd enjoyed his family life as a kid in the show world as they constantly moved from city to city . His family and friends moved with him and there was stability even as the scenery changed . Now he 'd met a girl who lived on the outside and didn 't understand his world . Her home had to be a solid structure . It was a place to raise kids who went to the same schools and had the same friends throughout their childhood . When they talked about it he felt a need to explain that he 'd had a good education . His parents and the other adults on the circuit were teaching the kids in the show all the time . There was more classical education and a deeper understanding of mechanical sciences in the show - biz crowd than in most public school products he 'd met . No , his folks didn 't take him to his grandparent 's house to share a roast dinner every Sunday . Hell , they didn 't go to church either , but they read the Bible and had more faith than most people . They 'd met when the show arrived at this convention center . They played here every year , but this was the first time he had seen her . His dad , a shortish man who was still as slender as a young man and well muscled , had been discussing a small change in the order of their performance with him when she walked up to them with the paperwork telling them their backstage room assignments . Her black leggings showed off a pair of beautifully turned legs - the first place he always looked . She moved with grace and balance even though he doubted that she 'd never tried a wire and probably never would . As they were settling into the rooms they had been assigned , he kept finding excuses to check in with her . She didn 't seem to mind . In fact , she had run a few errands of her own in his direction . Her eyes twinkled inviting him to spend more time with her if he dared . His life was all about daring so he 'd asked her to dinner after the show . She 'd turned him down . Not just a " No , thank you . " turn down , but letting him know he wasn 't good enough for her . He was nothing more than a gypsy and she only dated stable , settled men . What was stable ? At eighteen , he had a good job , a decent bank account , and a bright future . He understood how the business ran and planned to take it over when his folks retired . He wasn 't just some flake who played his days away . His just wasn 't a conventional career path . Couldn 't she see him as more than just a passing entertainment in her life . His walk was over . He 'd crossed the wire and stood on the other parapet accepting the applause from below . Then he saw her by the exit . She was standing with a townie , a local guy , obviously well off . Just behind her was Janelle , the tall red - headed daughter from the family that rode the trick show horses . Come to think of it , she had really well turned legs . . .

Well today was another busy day . Work . Doing paychecks at work . Then realizing that there is no printer hooked up . Waiting while someone finds and hooks up a printer . Be surprised when it actually works . Get taught how to do the employee taxes . Even though I don 't want to . So how do you like this adorable white fluffy dog ? She belongs to my cousin . We went to see her and her baby last week and OMG . I love the dog ! ! I wanted to stuff her in my purse and take her home with me . oh and here 's the girls with the baby . He was cute too . ( but the DOG . . . ! ) Too bad this one turned out blurry ! He was one slobbery baby : ) Melissa , Trevor and I went to see my father in law at the care home today . He was actually walking down the hall with his walker when we were coming to see him . He 's moving along pretty fast . It appears that now he is ok with staying for as long as they think he should . I think my mother in law had a bit to do with that , telling him he needs to stay there for his therapy . My father in law has a room mate . The room mate 's name is Charlie . I 'd guess Charlie to be about late fifty 's or early sixties . Charlie has a wheel chair , a walker , his feet all bandaged up and special velcro shoes . He wears adult diapers but also goes in the bathroom . I 'd talked to Charlie a little bit when I was visiting my father in law . He was telling us how FIL is lucky that he has so many family members and friends coming to see him . I asked him , " you don 't have any family ? " He said no . Then awhile later he said that he had a wife , who lives with her boyfriend . A daughter that is waiting for him to die to get money , and he used to have friends that he paid to visit him until he ran out of money . Today he had the curtains drawn all around him . I don 't know if it was because my FIL has had so many visitors or what . Charlie was also sounding really cranky . He asked the nurse to close the windows and turn on the heater . It 's like 90 today so the first thing I 'm thinking is that Charlie must have a fever . I saw them bring him him a blanket , close the window , and heard him bitch that they wouldn 't turn on the heater . I think he got up and turned the heater on ( no small task for him to get out of bed ) . Later I heard him say that he was a diabetic and has no circulation . Everytime we leave I ask my FIL if he wants anything . Today I took a chance and peaked around the curtain ( I was really hoping he wouldn 't get mad ) and asked Charlie if I could bring him anything . At first he said no and I went through a small list of things . Life Saver ? Gum ? Magazines ? Books ? Word search ? He kept saying no but then right before I gave up he said I could bring him some Life Savers and gave me a tiny smile . Then later I remembered he 's a diabetic so I guess I 'll be looking for the sugar free ones . I think I 'll get him a few different things . It 's really got to suck to be in that situation . Doesn 't it make you wonder how people can just give up on a family member ? I mean , it could be that the guy was a total dick to everyone so they just wrote him off . I DO have a few family members like that . BUT maybe they used to love him and just find it easier not to see him anymore ? It just seems so sad to be all alone in the world . Pin It Well I made it to work today . I had a donut and I 'm drinking a Mt . Dew . Sounds pretty healthy eh ? Thanks to a pretty relaxing weekend I think I 'm feeling a little less stressed . Saturday I slept in until 9 : 30 , which is almost unheard of in our house . I actually even layed around a little longer than that before I got up . I told Scott I 'd clean up the kitchen if he 'd go get some stuff and make breakfast ( I REALLY need to go grocery shopping ) . By the time we had breakfast it was well after 11 . I whipped up a macaroni salad to take to my friends house and before long I was on the road to Oakdale to go help with my friend 's cleaning / birthday party . She 's moving pretty soon so she asked for some friends to come help her clean and since her birthday ( actually today ) was coming we 'd roll that all into one . So we did some cleaning . Can I just say , a single person 's house when it is dirty is like my house when it 's almost clean . I spent most of my helping time wiping down walls and cabinets . After that we went for a swim . We came back and hung out and a couple more gals showed up so there was 6 of us total . The highlight of the whole night was when we were out on her patio talking and some of the girls were singing ( badly ) to a song on the radio . A neighbor asked if they could keep it down since she was trying to get her baby to sleep . Everyone apologized and we went inside . Not too long after we ran to the store real quick to get a few things and when we got back there was a police car in the complex parking lot . We went in the house and not too long afterwards there was a knock on the door . The party girl went out and talked to him and he was like well obviously your party has broken up . I still can 't believe someone called the cops on people talking loud and singing at 10 : 30 on a Saturday night . Talk about some uptight neighbors ! I ended up staying until about 12 when I decided to just go home instead of spending the night . Sunday I slept in AGAIN and then got up and did laundry before going to book club . I never got around to reading the book and I can 't even tell you what the name of it was . Pretty sad lol . Apprently the book was sad . I had a nice time visiting with my book club ladies and most of them were going to a bingo game down at the hall afterwards so I went down there with them . I didn 't win anything but again had fun hanging out . So not a real productive weekend or anything too exciting but it was relaxing . Hopefully this week will be stress free but I doubt that will happen ! My father in law is still in the home . My sister in law got him a cell phone so he doesn 't feel so trapped at least . I 'll probably go there after work . Pin It Arf , I 'm so exhausted ! Yesterday I took the day off to take Jess to the dermatologist for her eczema . The only appointment we could get was for the middle of the day and it took us a month to get that . Trevor was at my mom 's so the girls and I planned for a little girl day of sorts . We went to the Dr , then went and saw my cousin and her baby . Went to Applebees , Target and Wal Mart . At Wal Mart we ran into my aunt and my other cousin who is pregnant . I think she 's MAYBE 19 or 20 . She looks like she 's 12 , she 's an itty bitty thing . I can 't believe I had a kid at the age of 20 , it seems like such a baby age to me now . After that we went and picked up my mother in law to take her over to the hospital . When we got to the hospital my father in law wasn 't in the room . They said he had been sent over to the " care center " place , which is where he was to go for a few weeks to get his physical therapy . When we got there , we quickly realized that this place is actually an old folks home . You know , one of those places they put you away to slowly die while no one you love comes to visit you . We went to the room they said he was in and found him laying in his hospital gown ( everyone else had clothes on but we didn 't even know he was there to bring him clothes ) staring at the ceiling . He had a roommate who was watching tv . But my father in law was just laying there flat on the flat bed staring up at the ceiling . One of the first things he said to me was that he wanted to go home . I sent the girls over to my in laws house to get him some clothes . They weren 't gone too long . When they got back I looked at my mother in law , who was totally fixated on the people in the halls and other rooms . She looked a little pale . I asked her if she was ok and she said no , that she was going to go outside . We visited a bit more than the girls went out to find her and take her home . But when they got out there , she was gone ! They came in and said that they couldn 't find Grandma . I went out to help find her and had Jess drive the car around on the route she would have had to take to walk home . She came back and still couldn 't find her . My cell phone was dead and Jess didn 't have her Grandma 's cell phone number in her phone so we called Scott to get it . When we called it it went straight to voice mail so it wasn 't even on . I got in the car and drove the route again , still no grandma . I didn 't want to go up to the house and knock on the door because my sister in law that lives there gets really upset about things . We got back to the care home and I called the house and she FINALLY answered . I immediately told her that I was going to give her a spanking ! She said " no you 're not ! ! " She apparently just felt the need to get out of there and high tailed it home . I don 't know how she got home without us ever seeing her walking ! After we found her I took the girls over to hang out with her for awhile and went back to the care home . I asked someone in social services what I had to do to get my father in law out of there . They acted all surprised and wanted to know why I would want to take him out of there . I told her how he is very sharp and he 's laying there listening to people moaning and he 's so upset and thinks he 's been brought there to die . How he needed at least a tv for a distraction and how I really thought he could just go home and we can take care of him there . She said she 'd see what she could do and a nurse also talked to me about why he needed to stay there . All things I know he can still have with some home care . I ended up staying there for hours , I was so afraid to leave him . They did bring him a tv . When Scott finally got there I left , and he stayed there for a couple hours until visiting time was over . Apparently we were both on the same wave length at the same time because we both sent messages to his sister telling her we needed to talk to her . I called her later and she said she 'd make some phone calls and arrangements to come stay here for awhile . This morning I got up and went to the care home instead of work to once again talk to someone about getting him out of there . I told the woman there that just for a heads up my sister in law is coming and she is way meaner than me ! I also hung out in his room with him and got to see his " physical therapy " . He was supposed to get " occupational therapy " later in the day but he said no one ever showed up . I stayed a few hours and then went to work for two hours and then went and picked up my sister in law at BART . We went straight to the care home where she checked on all his medication , told the nurses that she in no way wanted to come in and find her dad laying slumped over in a chair like so many of the other residents . She got him a nebulizer treatment and gave him lots of hugs and kisses . Can I just say how extremely happy I am that she was able to come ? I feel like a tremendous weight is off my shoulders . Although she has to go back to work on Sunday if she can 't get some leave time from work . Let 's all pray . Pin It I can 't believe it 's already 10 : 30 . The days have been just flying by lately ! It was SO hot here today . Probably over 110 . Of course this was the day I had set up to drive the little truck that has NO AIR CONDITIONING to help my friend who is moving . I drove to work and worked a bit but left early . We went over to her house and by the time we got there I was sooo hot . Did I mention that I don 't really sweat so my body gets over heated and I just turn red and get a really bad headache ? Lucky for me it didn 't get that bad until we were almost done . We took all her recycling to the recycling center ( she recycles things you don 't even get paid for , what a good person ! ) . She gave me all the money for helping her . Wasn 't that nice ? She just wanted to get it all taken in before she moves . When we got back I borrowed some swim suit bottoms and went and jumped in her little complex pool with my shirt and bra on . We soaked a bit and then I went home in my wet shirt and the pants I came in . By the time I got home my shirt was almost dry ( and I didn 't ring it out when we got out of the pool ) . My head was killing me so I laid on the couch for a bit and finally felt better after eating some dinner . Although now my stomach feels a bit off again . Ahhh summer . . Not such a great picture but it 's zoomed out the back door . Yes , that 's an opossum . In the daylight . Aren 't they freaking ugly ? That one was SO BIG . It was about the size of a medium dog . There was a cat kind of stalking it but it was bigger than the cat ! nasty things : shudders : Well I 'm about exhausted ! Nothing planned for tomorrow except maybe working a little longer to make up for leaving early the last two days . The father in law is doing well and moved into a regular room . Hopefully he keeps improving . Scott said he was bickering with his mom when she was there visiting at the same time so that must mean he 's feeling better : ) Pin It Last night I was thinking I would TRY and get up early and get to work early . I should have known better than to think that would actually happen . It wasn 't all my fault though ! The power went off sometime in the night so the alarm clock didn 't go off . Never mind the fact that Scott woke me up before the time it would have went off anyways and I just rolled over , but yeah , that ( lack of ) power made me late . I got to work at 8 and had to go straight to a meeting that I had totally forgot about . I tell you lately I 've had to go to a meeting almost every day . What have I learned at these meetings ? NOTHING . Such a huge waste of time . I sat in this meeting for TWO hours and heard the same things three times since people kept coming in late . THREE . You 'd think they would have just let us " first timers " go . I finally got to go back to my desk and attempt to work for a whole hour before leaving to go to the hospital . Which really means I worked for about ten minutes today . I got in the car and drove straight to the hospital and got there right after they took my father in law in for his surgery . FAIL ! I was pretty sad about that . I went in and sat with my mother in law , sister in law and nephew for hours while we waited for him to get out of surgery . My nephew finally had to leave so he could get to the city before all the traffic got bad . Eventually I gave in to going to the bathroom and guess who came out while I was in there ? Yep , the Dr finally came out to give the news . And I missed most of it . Batting 100 today ! After that he was in recovery so we ran an errand for my mother in law real quick and got her the ice cream she was craving . We got back and waited some more and then hours later finally got the news that he was moved up to ICU . We went up and only had to wait a few minutes before they came and got us . By that time Scott had made it there from work . I was surprised that they let all four of us go in together but they did . They sure have relaxed hospital rules from what they used to be when I was a kid . Remember when you had to be 14 or 16 to visit someone ? My father in law was actually kind of awake when we came in . I was pretty surprised that he cracked a joke before he started snoring . He woke back up a few times and would talk a bit then fall back asleep . I had went out for a bit since I felt like there was too many people in the room . My mother in law and sister in law left not too long after that and I went back in and sat with Scott . We sat there for quite awhile before making a trek to the cafeteria for some food for him and then went back up for awhile longer . I finally left to go home to the kids and he stayed for a bit . It 's so surreal seeing your parents all old and broken , not knowing if they are going to live much longer . Very sad . I hope he can recover and be around longer . Scott 's mom said she is down to 95 pounds . She 's like a walking talking skeleton with clothes and skin . I 'm surprised she made it so long today . Pin It Friday night I went over to my friend 's house to get a bunch of plants from her . She is moving to Minnesota , which is where she was from originally . She hates it here in the valley and was lucky enough to get a job back home . It will be great for her to be closer to her nephews and away from her job that she hates . Anyhow , she is a big gardener so I went over and got a bunch of her outside potted plants . She rents so next weekend we will dig some of the ones she had planted in the yard and get those too . Somehow we managed to get a half wine barrel full of plants in the back of Scott 's little truck all by ourselves . I was quite impressed ! Of course I had a few drinks while I was there so I had to stay awhile and didn 't get home until 1 : 30 in the morning . I slept in a little too long on Saturday morning and we ended up running behind for the family reunion for Scott 's side of the family . I was hoping we could get his parents to ride with us but of course his 82 year old dad insisted that he drive himself . We didn 't even get out of town and Scott had to pull over and tell him he needed to stop running the stop signs to keep up with us . Of course he didn 't even think he was rolling them . He was good for awhile then started doing it again and at one point almost rear ended us . Oh and did I mention that he didn 't drive over 45 the whole way there ? We finally got there and even though we were late we were still the first people to show up . An hour later his one sister and her daughter in law showed up , and then an hour later another sister and her son . Not too many people this time . We were outside hanging out when we heard a loud shout and we came running in the house to find my father in law sitting on the tile floor by the front door . Apparently he had slipped on the rug trying to go out the door . When he fell he also hit his head on a coffee table that was close by . He was sitting on the floor and when he tried to get up he almost fell down . He couldn 't control his right leg . Scott and his nephew got him a chair to sit in and helped him into it . They picked it up and moved it to the living room and he sat there for a bit while everyone decided what to do . We all knew that he must have broke either his hip or his leg and he wanted to go to the hospital in our home city . Scott and his nephew got him loaded in the car by carrying him and the chair out to it . ( yes they are big guys ! ) Scott 's sister who had been planning on going home with her parents anyways drove and we caravaned to the hospital ( again not going over 45 since they were yelling at her not to drive too fast ) . Eventually we got there and they took him in through the ambulance entrance . Hours later they said he had a broken hip and would have to have surgery . Scott 's mom was complaining that she was tired so I offered to take her home . She took me up on it and she complained of a head ache when we were walking out to the car . The woman is so tiny and frail . All I can think about is that there is no way that she is going to be able to care for her husband by herself . Back at the hospital , Scott 's sister ended up staying with his dad while they waited for him to be taken to a room . We decided to leave since we had had plans to go to my brother 's birthday party that evening . Jess had already taken the kids there . We finally got out of the hospital around 7ish . My sister in law said they didn 't get him to a room until after 10 and they lost one of his shoes somewhere . We went to my brothers and had a really fun time . Jessica 's new boyfriend came so I finally got to meet him . When he was leaving I went to give him a hug and spilled part of my drink on him and messed up his phone . Great first impression , eh ? I drank way too much and contemplated throwing up for most of the ride home . I was wide awake early Sunday morning . I woke up to the sound of a cat fight out the back door . My cat that I just paid $ 400 to get his neck sewn back up had somehow got outside during the night and was fighting with the same fucking cat . I really need to try and catch that cat and take it in to the pound . I don 't think it belongs to anyone . Eventually Buster came back and banged on the back door to get in . So far he looks ok . I hope he didn 't do anything that will cause another abscess . Stupid cat ! I told Scott he was probably pissed that he 's had to sit inside looking at the stray walking around in his yard for a couple weeks now and wanted to go out and kick his ass ! I got up while Scott slept in and made a 3 bean chili for the barbecue at my other brothers for father 's day and a Greek salad . Eventually he got up after sleeping in all morning and I made waffles . The plan for the day was to go visit his dad then go out to my brother 's house . He ended up watching a movie so again we left later than I had planned . We went up and saw his dad who is doing pretty well considering the circumstances . He has to wait until Monday because he is on blood thinners ( and 12 other medications ) . It 's no wonder the man fell down with all those chemicals swirling in his system . Most people can barely handle one kind of medicine . While we were there I left for a little bit to go take a card to my real dad 's house , which is only a few blocks over . He wasn 't home so we left the card on the porch . Hopefully it 's still there when he gets back from where ever he is . Not too long after I got back we left , went home and grabbed the food and then went over to my brother 's house to celebrate Father 's Day . I just got my dad a card since he 's so hard to buy for . My brother ? Got him an iPhone . Crazy . I wish they would talk about what they want to do so we could go in together or something . I 'm sure I look like the total cheapskate ! I hope you all had a nice Father 's day weekend ! I am going to try to get up early so I can go in to work early and maybe leave at lunch time to go to the hospital . Poor Scott isn 't able to take the day off since his boss is on vacation ( again ) and he 's pretty much running the place . I hope nothing happens to his dad while he 's in surgery and everything goes well . He had a pace maker and a defibrillator in his chest already so there are a lot of things that can go wrong I 'm sure . But we 'll just not focus on those things and have a positive outlook right ? Pin It I actually don 't have a book for this weekend ! I 've caught up on all the ones I 've read . I still have a bunch of stacks so I 'll have another one soon I 'm sure ! Pin It I 'm almost all cried out . For the minute anyways . I had to take my poor little Sydney kitty in and have her put down today : ( I 'd put a pic up but I just can 't bear it . The poor thing was down to 5 pounds when they weighed her . : sob : In other news , I went out to dinner Las Casuelas with my two of my friends yesterday . I 've been friends with these gals for 12 years now . My one friend can talk for like AGES . It 's like no one else can say anything . It really annoys me sometimes . Well pretty much everytime we get together . I still like her and have a nice time when we 're all together , I just wonder if she realizes she monopolizes the whole conversation ? It 's quite exhausting actually . After I got home I sat down and almost immediately the power went out . When you live out in the country the power goes off a few times a year so we didn 't think much of it and all ended up outside because it was hotter in the house than out there . I actually got Scott to mow the lawn and I went around and watered everything while the kids all whined and complained about the bugs and how hot it was . After about an hour I realized that both next door neighbors had power . WTH ? The whole block behind us however didn 't have power so apparently we 're connected to their power line . I decided to call the power company and it said that I was the first one reporting the outage . I 'm glad I didn 't wait much longer to call . About an hour or so later they came out and replaced the fuse on the power pole and everyone went to bed . Pretty exciting night ! This has been the best weekend in such a long time ! Scott and I saved Saturday for just us to go do something . We weren 't quite sure what we wanted to do . We had talked a bit about going around Gold Country and looking at antiques . We also talked about going to Auburn to see if we could find this place that we ate at years ago that had the best burgers EVER . We drove up to Auburn and somehow found the burger place right away . We were pretty proud of ourselves . It turns out the place is called Brookside Grill . Unfortunetly their website link doesn 't work on the Auburn food page here , but it has the info . I got the San Francisco burger . It was good but could have been cooked just a bit more for my liking . Scott got the mushroom swiss and he moaned and said it was just as good as he remembered . After that we went and walked around the stores . Then we took Hwy 49 , which is the road through all the old Gold Country towns . We drove through Coloma , which one of these days I really want to stop and check out . Then we ended up stopping in Placerville , which had a street fair of sorts going on . I don 't think I 've ever been to Placerville before , but they had a great variety of shops . I love going through all the antique stores . Although I didn 't buy anything , I 'm still thinking of some little green glass salt and pepper shakers I saw . We had missed the cook off they were having but there was still people playing live music . I think we spent a few hours there walking around . By the time we were done there we realized it was probably too late to hit any of the other towns to go through the shops . We continued down Hwy 49 and decided to go to one of the Indian casinos . Although the internet service on my phone kept going in and out I was able to find the Black Oak Casino and navigate us there with only a few turn arounds . We decided to just play $ 20 each , which maybe took us about an hour to lose on the penny machines . It was pretty crowded there . It was fun even though we lost . After that we went back up to Sonora and stopped at Round Table Pizza since Scott was jonesing for some pizza . When we walked inside we were greeted with some REALLY LOUD music . Then we realized it was live . This guy was playing and singing his heart out . You can 't really see but there 's another guy behind the salad bar playing a bass guitar . The lady in the booth was with them and was singing along to herself . They really weren 't that bad it was just REALLY LOUD . They were only there for about half an hour and then packed up . After that we drove home ! It wasn 't an EXCITING day but it was so nice and relaxing and we had a good time hanging out with each other . Not a bad way to celebrate 18 years of marriage if I do say so myself ! Here 's to one more year ! Pin It This weeks book is a paperback . You might have read it and or seen the movie . If you 've just seen the movie you need to read the book because it 's WAY different than the movie . Her parents ' divorce left 17 - year - old Veronica Miller embittered and confused . Three years later , " Ronnie " still seethes with anger toward her father , a musician and teacher who has abandoned hectic New York City for the quiet beach town of Wilmington , North Carolina . Nevertheless , she reluctantly agrees to her mother 's altruistic plan that for the good of all concerned , she should visit her estranged father in his new home . As the story of The Last Song unfolds , novelist Nicholas Sparks weaves his magic , threading together the intricate story of three very different people tied inextricably together . As a reminder my Free Book Friday books are previously read books . I am cleaning off my nightstand and sharing with you ! All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment on this post and I 'll pick a winner NEXT Friday ! Pin It So I just got home from going to the movies by myself . Am I the only one out there that loves going to the movies by themselves ? I think it 's AWESOME ! I can get my own popcorn , my own soda , sit where ever I want and even stay to watch all the credits if I want to ! It was the only chick flick that was playing that I hadn 't already seen ( the only other one playing was Bridesmaids which I saw last week with Jess ) . It took me about three - fourths of the movie to realize that HELLO , I have read this book . And the one that came after it . So now I 'm racking my brain trying to remember how it all went . I know Darcy ends up going to stay with Ethan and I THINK I remember what happens . It 's in the next book Something Blue . I was thinking there was another one after that but I guess not . I wonder if they will make a sequel to the movie ? I really like Ginnifer Goodwin . I remember her most from Walk The Line . She played Johnny Cash 's first wife . She reminds me of Sally Field . I think she looks a lot like her . The reason I was able to go to the movies by myself is that my Mom took my two youngest for the night . Thank God for Mom 's ! ! It 's great when she takes them to her house since she babysits my nephew Tony . That way Tony and Trevor can play and Melissa ends up helping out with my other brother 's little one , who my Mom also watches . Am I supposed to capitalize Mom when I 'm talking about her ? Since I am using it as a name ? Hmm English classes were a long time ago . ( and according to spell check I need to capitalize English ! ) Today at work was pretty interesting . First I had to drive to a little town about half an hour away to get this lady to sign a contract modification . I got all the way out there and no one is home ? Came back and the lady shows up in the office about fifteen minutes later . She told the contract lady that I must have went to the wrong house . UM NO . Freaking liar ! Not that I really care since it got me out of the office for over an hour . After that I went to a meeting . They were having a meeting because the girl that is my direct boss is quitting and they were having a discussion of sorts on how they wanted to go about hiring a new person . I decided to go to the meeting ( which was open to the public ) to find out what was going on , because this WILL affect me . Basically they don 't want to pay people very much money to do more stuff than one person is really able to do without wanting to slit their wrists . Which explains why I DO NOT want the job . I put in my two cents worth and told the board that I think that the job is too big for one person . One of the board members basically acted like I was an idiot , even though I sat almost on top of the last girl that did the job and watched the most recent one go from cute and perky to totally stressed out and haggard looking . Yeah , you that comes in just for meetings and signing checks , you really know what you 're talking about . It really makes me want to find a new job . BUT I don 't really have to deal with them very often so I guess I won 't . I just don 't like the way they act . It really pisses me off actually . So yeah . I 'm home by myself at the moment . It 's almost quiet . Except the fan is making a weird noise . Funny how you hear things when it 's so QUIET . Pin It Saturday my girls and I went to the LAC Concert . Which is a concert put on by the local country radio station . The only way you can get tickets is to win them or purchase them for $ 10 at one of the ticket stops they have . Jessica won us two at one of the ticket stops . She tried another time to win more but wasn 't successful so I had her buy one for Melissa so the three of us could go together . When we woke up that morning it was raining cats and dogs so I wasn 't sure if we REALLY wanted to go stand out in the rain for a concert . I told Jessica I was trying to decide if I wanted to go when she woke up . She responded by freaking out about how she had wasted all her time standing in line for me and now I wasn 't even going to go . She went on and on and on . Sheesh . Nothing like guilting me into going . So I bundled up and we went . When we got there Jessica 's friend and her sister were already waiting in line to get in . The line to get in was 2 blocks long . I have no idea why the line was so long . The doors had even been open for about an hour . Eventually we got in and Jessica and her friend took off and I was left with Melissa and the friend 's sister . Which was fine but not really what I was planning . My crew and I worked our way towards the front of the stage . The girls were about as exciting and a rock . I on the other hand was doing a little bouncing and a little screaming with my arms up , etc . Jessica sent me a text that said " tell me when you are ready to go , I 'm not having much fun " . I 'm thinking SERIOUSLY ? After all that shit she gave me about going ? I just ignored that one and kept on bouncing to the music . Then she kept texting me that they had ditched her and she was trying to find us . Eventually she worked her way up to us . She told me to " please stop " when I was bouncing around to the music . Seriously ? It 's a freaking concert . Sorry if I 'm " embarrassing you " in a crowd of a few thousand people that aren 't even looking at me . Eventually I gave her $ 20 and she left to go find her friend again . After two sets Melissa kept telling me how " tired " she was . Seriously , you are 12 . You should be able to run a freaking marathon ? What is it with my children ? So then I said " ok " and we made out way away from our awesome spot : ( and went to the bathroom , got the girls and ice cream and sat on some wet grass for awhile . I sent Jess a text asking if she was ready to go and she met up with us all pissed off . I still have no idea what she was so pissed off about . We could have stayed longer if she wanted to . I was so mad by the time we got to the car I don 't think I said a word to anyone on the way home . So much for my girl bonding day where we were all going to hang out together and have fun . Next time I 'm taking a friend ! So out of the two bands we saw we saw the Eli Young Band and who was really good even though I didn 't know all their songs and Emerson Drive , who I also didn 't know all their songs but they were freaking AWESOME . I especially loved the fiddle / violin ? player . Their songs just flowed into each other and they gave such a great show . Awww lookie there I lost a follower . That makes me sad . I know I haven 't been very entertaining lately . I keep wanting to blog but there is someone always hanging over my shoulder and I don 't like to blog when people are hanging around . My kids are out of school . Not sure if I mentioned that or not . Surprisingly I haven 't been getting calls all day at work and so far they haven 't killed each other . Today I got home from work and then had to take the cat in to get his drain out . I 'm glad that disgusting thing is gone . Blech ! I couldn 't find my OTHER cat this morning or after I got home . I looked everywhere in the house and even outside . She mostly stays in the house and keeps acting not quite right . I was very upset that I couldn 't find her since she 's been so off , if she somehow got outside that would definitely be the end of her . After taking Buster to the vet for the drain I dropped him and Trevor off at home and then went to the grocery store . When I got home I was putting the groceries away and out walks Sydney right out of the cabinet . I swear I looked in there quite a few times and never saw her curled up in there . Her eyes were very dilated and she was making a weird noise . She is so thin I don 't think she 's been eating much . I was holding her on the couch and just started bawling . I 'm pretty sure her end is near . : ( I think maybe she 's had a few little strokes or something . Well I have more to blog about but that 's enough for now . I hope if she has to go she goes on her own while she 's sleeping so we can bury her somewhere in the garden . I hate having to take them in to put them to sleep : ( Pin It A dark , crooked beauty that fulfills all the promise of White Oleander and confirms that Janet Fitch is an artist of the very highest order . " Los Angeles Times Book Review Josie Tyrell , art model , runaway , and denizen of LA 's rock scene finds a chance at real love with Michael Faraday , a Harvard dropout and son of a renowned pianist . But when she receives a call from the coroner , asking her to identify her lover 's body , her bright dreams all turn to black . Josie struggles to understand Michael 's death and to hold onto the world they shared , she is both attracted to and repelled by his pianist mother , Meredith , who blames Josie for her son 's torment . Soon the two women are drawn into a twisted relationship that reflects equal parts distrust and blind need . With the luxurious prose and fever pitch intensity that are her hallmarks , Janet Fitch weaves a spellbinding tale of love , betrayal , and the possibility of transcendence . I 'm not going to lie . This is a deep read . BUT it 's one I think about sometimes . It has very mixed reviews and people either love it or hate it . I 'll let you decide ! So nothing too exciting happened today . Well other than my immediate boss giving her two weeks notice . She 's a younger gal , just graduated college last Friday and she 's been on vacation for about a week . She 's off until the 6th when I think she 's coming back for a week and then will be done . Did I mention that she taught me how to make the payroll checks before she went on vacation ? My other boss told me I get to make those for awhile longer , and am I sure I didn 't want that position ? ? Most people would say jump at it but I don 't want it . WAY too much stress thank you very much . Hopefully whoever they get to take her place is nice and not some dick head . The poor girl that was doing it turned into a giant stress ball . In other news my $ 420 that some asshole used in Vegas is pending back INTO my account . I just paid most of the bills . I can 't pay my big one though since my husband put his paycheck into an account that I don 't have access to . He said he will add me but it better be pretty quick . Otherwise the first thing to go is the Direct TV . I 'm trying to figure out what to do since I have some things that come out of my old account automatically . I JUST sent in a thing to change my life insurance to this account . I 'm kind of thinking of just keeping it for stuff that 's online but I think that might be too much of a pain in the ass having to transfer money to different banks all the time . Jessica picked up the cat for me today . It ended up costing a $ 100 less than they had quoted me . WOOHOO . I had opened a Care Credit account so the bill went on there . Should be pretty easy to pay that off quick . The poor kitty though . He has a big rubber drain , a ton of stitches and a cone . The dog is kind of scared of him in his new state I think . Whenever he 's walking around he starts barking at him like he 's some alien cat . Poor thing . He goes back in 5 days to get the drain out and 2 weeks for the stitches . Hopefully I can get him to like being indoor more so he 'll stop getting his neck ripped off . I think this is the 3rd time it 's been sewn back together . Looks pretty appetizing doesn 't it ? It 's kind of by the windows so I 'm thinking they got a little too much sun . Pretty gross though ! Well it 's 7 : 00 and Scott isn 't home and never sent me a message that he was leaving work . My little kids still aren 't home yet either . Melissa said my mom was bringing them home later but now I 'm thinking it must be MUCH later . Maybe I 'll go pull out my scrapbooking stuff or something . Pin It Hey crazy people ! ! It 's been like days since I 've posted anything . Feels like forever but I guess it 's not that long . Don 't forget to comment here for your free book ! If I owe you a book it will be going out tomorrow . I 'm a slacker , sorry ! My mom has had my two youngest kids since SATURDAY . It is now WEDNESDAY . That 's a long freaking time without much responsibility . I feel like I should be in Vegas or something ! BUT I have no money . Especially since someone has once again JACKED OUR F ' ING BANK ACCOUNT . And guess where the jacker jacked our money ? In VEGAS . Mother trucker ! ! So we are now the proud owner of not one but TWO new bank accounts at new banks . I guess we 'll find out soon if it 's someone at the bank that 's getting our info or someone who is stealing our numbers somewhere where we shop . This time they used Scott 's ATM card number at an actual CHASE ATM . Funny how they did that since his card was in his wallet here in our living room when it happened . We reported the card number as stolen and have been waiting for the " pending " transaction to clear so that we can get it reversed . Nice f ' ing bank that makes you wait so long to get your money back ! To add to all the fun my cat Buster has been missing since last Tuesday . I thought for sure he was a coyote snack . BUT today Jessica found him under the boat in the side yard . WITH a big huge hole in his neck . I took him in to the vet and they said he probably got in a cat fight , got an abscess and it ruptured . So CHA ' CHING . I really won 't be going to Vegas anytime soon . I did apply for the Care Credit card and was approved so I get 6 months at least to pay that off with no interest . Would have been nice to put that towards something a little more fun than a scruffy cat . Last night I picked up my friend at the San Francisco airport . I took her about 2 weeks ago , with no problems at all . Picking her up was fine too , except I now know when someone says they have landed to give them at least a half hour to get their luggage before you attempt to pick them up . Otherwise you get to drive around and around and around the whole airport since you aren 't supposed to just stop and wait . Totally inconvenient ! Sunday we went to my brother 's house for a BBQ . They cooked ribs this time and they were delicious ! I had cleaned up my room earlier that day so Monday when I was off with no little kids I worked on Jessica 's scrapbook . I haven 't scrapbooked in forever so it took me awhile to get organized and to find all my stuff . I did a few simple pages and her book is now caught up to Halloween of last year . Woohoo not too far behind there . I 'd like to keep hers all caught up . I 'm planning on stopping her book after she graduates next year . Then I 'll just do any of her stuff in my family album . The kid already is going to have to get bookshelf when she eventually takes all her albums . She has one for every year or two so that 's quite a few ! I 'm importing some audio books onto my iPod . From the library . It 's a great way to get some free books and to have something to listen to in the car , washing dishes and putting away the laundry . Well enough about me , what have you been up to ? I 've been trying to read blogs and comment . Leave me a comment and I 'll leave you on your blog too !

Well today was another busy day . Work . Doing paychecks at work . Then realizing that there is no printer hooked up . Waiting while someone finds and hooks up a printer . Be surprised when it actually works . Get taught how to do the employee taxes . Even though I don 't want to . So how do you like this adorable white fluffy dog ? She belongs to my cousin . We went to see her and her baby last week and OMG . I love the dog ! ! I wanted to stuff her in my purse and take her home with me . oh and here 's the girls with the baby . He was cute too . ( but the DOG . . . ! ) Too bad this one turned out blurry ! He was one slobbery baby : ) Melissa , Trevor and I went to see my father in law at the care home today . He was actually walking down the hall with his walker when we were coming to see him . He 's moving along pretty fast . It appears that now he is ok with staying for as long as they think he should . I think my mother in law had a bit to do with that , telling him he needs to stay there for his therapy . My father in law has a room mate . The room mate 's name is Charlie . I 'd guess Charlie to be about late fifty 's or early sixties . Charlie has a wheel chair , a walker , his feet all bandaged up and special velcro shoes . He wears adult diapers but also goes in the bathroom . I 'd talked to Charlie a little bit when I was visiting my father in law . He was telling us how FIL is lucky that he has so many family members and friends coming to see him . I asked him , " you don 't have any family ? " He said no . Then awhile later he said that he had a wife , who lives with her boyfriend . A daughter that is waiting for him to die to get money , and he used to have friends that he paid to visit him until he ran out of money . Today he had the curtains drawn all around him . I don 't know if it was because my FIL has had so many visitors or what . Charlie was also sounding really cranky . He asked the nurse to close the windows and turn on the heater . It 's like 90 today so the first thing I 'm thinking is that Charlie must have a fever . I saw them bring him him a blanket , close the window , and heard him bitch that they wouldn 't turn on the heater . I think he got up and turned the heater on ( no small task for him to get out of bed ) . Later I heard him say that he was a diabetic and has no circulation . Everytime we leave I ask my FIL if he wants anything . Today I took a chance and peaked around the curtain ( I was really hoping he wouldn 't get mad ) and asked Charlie if I could bring him anything . At first he said no and I went through a small list of things . Life Saver ? Gum ? Magazines ? Books ? Word search ? He kept saying no but then right before I gave up he said I could bring him some Life Savers and gave me a tiny smile . Then later I remembered he 's a diabetic so I guess I 'll be looking for the sugar free ones . I think I 'll get him a few different things . It 's really got to suck to be in that situation . Doesn 't it make you wonder how people can just give up on a family member ? I mean , it could be that the guy was a total dick to everyone so they just wrote him off . I DO have a few family members like that . BUT maybe they used to love him and just find it easier not to see him anymore ? It just seems so sad to be all alone in the world . Pin It Well I made it to work today . I had a donut and I 'm drinking a Mt . Dew . Sounds pretty healthy eh ? Thanks to a pretty relaxing weekend I think I 'm feeling a little less stressed . Saturday I slept in until 9 : 30 , which is almost unheard of in our house . I actually even layed around a little longer than that before I got up . I told Scott I 'd clean up the kitchen if he 'd go get some stuff and make breakfast ( I REALLY need to go grocery shopping ) . By the time we had breakfast it was well after 11 . I whipped up a macaroni salad to take to my friends house and before long I was on the road to Oakdale to go help with my friend 's cleaning / birthday party . She 's moving pretty soon so she asked for some friends to come help her clean and since her birthday ( actually today ) was coming we 'd roll that all into one . So we did some cleaning . Can I just say , a single person 's house when it is dirty is like my house when it 's almost clean . I spent most of my helping time wiping down walls and cabinets . After that we went for a swim . We came back and hung out and a couple more gals showed up so there was 6 of us total . The highlight of the whole night was when we were out on her patio talking and some of the girls were singing ( badly ) to a song on the radio . A neighbor asked if they could keep it down since she was trying to get her baby to sleep . Everyone apologized and we went inside . Not too long after we ran to the store real quick to get a few things and when we got back there was a police car in the complex parking lot . We went in the house and not too long afterwards there was a knock on the door . The party girl went out and talked to him and he was like well obviously your party has broken up . I still can 't believe someone called the cops on people talking loud and singing at 10 : 30 on a Saturday night . Talk about some uptight neighbors ! I ended up staying until about 12 when I decided to just go home instead of spending the night . Sunday I slept in AGAIN and then got up and did laundry before going to book club . I never got around to reading the book and I can 't even tell you what the name of it was . Pretty sad lol . Apprently the book was sad . I had a nice time visiting with my book club ladies and most of them were going to a bingo game down at the hall afterwards so I went down there with them . I didn 't win anything but again had fun hanging out . So not a real productive weekend or anything too exciting but it was relaxing . Hopefully this week will be stress free but I doubt that will happen ! My father in law is still in the home . My sister in law got him a cell phone so he doesn 't feel so trapped at least . I 'll probably go there after work . Pin It Arf , I 'm so exhausted ! Yesterday I took the day off to take Jess to the dermatologist for her eczema . The only appointment we could get was for the middle of the day and it took us a month to get that . Trevor was at my mom 's so the girls and I planned for a little girl day of sorts . We went to the Dr , then went and saw my cousin and her baby . Went to Applebees , Target and Wal Mart . At Wal Mart we ran into my aunt and my other cousin who is pregnant . I think she 's MAYBE 19 or 20 . She looks like she 's 12 , she 's an itty bitty thing . I can 't believe I had a kid at the age of 20 , it seems like such a baby age to me now . After that we went and picked up my mother in law to take her over to the hospital . When we got to the hospital my father in law wasn 't in the room . They said he had been sent over to the " care center " place , which is where he was to go for a few weeks to get his physical therapy . When we got there , we quickly realized that this place is actually an old folks home . You know , one of those places they put you away to slowly die while no one you love comes to visit you . We went to the room they said he was in and found him laying in his hospital gown ( everyone else had clothes on but we didn 't even know he was there to bring him clothes ) staring at the ceiling . He had a roommate who was watching tv . But my father in law was just laying there flat on the flat bed staring up at the ceiling . One of the first things he said to me was that he wanted to go home . I sent the girls over to my in laws house to get him some clothes . They weren 't gone too long . When they got back I looked at my mother in law , who was totally fixated on the people in the halls and other rooms . She looked a little pale . I asked her if she was ok and she said no , that she was going to go outside . We visited a bit more than the girls went out to find her and take her home . But when they got out there , she was gone ! They came in and said that they couldn 't find Grandma . I went out to help find her and had Jess drive the car around on the route she would have had to take to walk home . She came back and still couldn 't find her . My cell phone was dead and Jess didn 't have her Grandma 's cell phone number in her phone so we called Scott to get it . When we called it it went straight to voice mail so it wasn 't even on . I got in the car and drove the route again , still no grandma . I didn 't want to go up to the house and knock on the door because my sister in law that lives there gets really upset about things . We got back to the care home and I called the house and she FINALLY answered . I immediately told her that I was going to give her a spanking ! She said " no you 're not ! ! " She apparently just felt the need to get out of there and high tailed it home . I don 't know how she got home without us ever seeing her walking ! After we found her I took the girls over to hang out with her for awhile and went back to the care home . I asked someone in social services what I had to do to get my father in law out of there . They acted all surprised and wanted to know why I would want to take him out of there . I told her how he is very sharp and he 's laying there listening to people moaning and he 's so upset and thinks he 's been brought there to die . How he needed at least a tv for a distraction and how I really thought he could just go home and we can take care of him there . She said she 'd see what she could do and a nurse also talked to me about why he needed to stay there . All things I know he can still have with some home care . I ended up staying there for hours , I was so afraid to leave him . They did bring him a tv . When Scott finally got there I left , and he stayed there for a couple hours until visiting time was over . Apparently we were both on the same wave length at the same time because we both sent messages to his sister telling her we needed to talk to her . I called her later and she said she 'd make some phone calls and arrangements to come stay here for awhile . This morning I got up and went to the care home instead of work to once again talk to someone about getting him out of there . I told the woman there that just for a heads up my sister in law is coming and she is way meaner than me ! I also hung out in his room with him and got to see his " physical therapy " . He was supposed to get " occupational therapy " later in the day but he said no one ever showed up . I stayed a few hours and then went to work for two hours and then went and picked up my sister in law at BART . We went straight to the care home where she checked on all his medication , told the nurses that she in no way wanted to come in and find her dad laying slumped over in a chair like so many of the other residents . She got him a nebulizer treatment and gave him lots of hugs and kisses . Can I just say how extremely happy I am that she was able to come ? I feel like a tremendous weight is off my shoulders . Although she has to go back to work on Sunday if she can 't get some leave time from work . Let 's all pray . Pin It I can 't believe it 's already 10 : 30 . The days have been just flying by lately ! It was SO hot here today . Probably over 110 . Of course this was the day I had set up to drive the little truck that has NO AIR CONDITIONING to help my friend who is moving . I drove to work and worked a bit but left early . We went over to her house and by the time we got there I was sooo hot . Did I mention that I don 't really sweat so my body gets over heated and I just turn red and get a really bad headache ? Lucky for me it didn 't get that bad until we were almost done . We took all her recycling to the recycling center ( she recycles things you don 't even get paid for , what a good person ! ) . She gave me all the money for helping her . Wasn 't that nice ? She just wanted to get it all taken in before she moves . When we got back I borrowed some swim suit bottoms and went and jumped in her little complex pool with my shirt and bra on . We soaked a bit and then I went home in my wet shirt and the pants I came in . By the time I got home my shirt was almost dry ( and I didn 't ring it out when we got out of the pool ) . My head was killing me so I laid on the couch for a bit and finally felt better after eating some dinner . Although now my stomach feels a bit off again . Ahhh summer . . Not such a great picture but it 's zoomed out the back door . Yes , that 's an opossum . In the daylight . Aren 't they freaking ugly ? That one was SO BIG . It was about the size of a medium dog . There was a cat kind of stalking it but it was bigger than the cat ! nasty things : shudders : Well I 'm about exhausted ! Nothing planned for tomorrow except maybe working a little longer to make up for leaving early the last two days . The father in law is doing well and moved into a regular room . Hopefully he keeps improving . Scott said he was bickering with his mom when she was there visiting at the same time so that must mean he 's feeling better : ) Pin It Last night I was thinking I would TRY and get up early and get to work early . I should have known better than to think that would actually happen . It wasn 't all my fault though ! The power went off sometime in the night so the alarm clock didn 't go off . Never mind the fact that Scott woke me up before the time it would have went off anyways and I just rolled over , but yeah , that ( lack of ) power made me late . I got to work at 8 and had to go straight to a meeting that I had totally forgot about . I tell you lately I 've had to go to a meeting almost every day . What have I learned at these meetings ? NOTHING . Such a huge waste of time . I sat in this meeting for TWO hours and heard the same things three times since people kept coming in late . THREE . You 'd think they would have just let us " first timers " go . I finally got to go back to my desk and attempt to work for a whole hour before leaving to go to the hospital . Which really means I worked for about ten minutes today . I got in the car and drove straight to the hospital and got there right after they took my father in law in for his surgery . FAIL ! I was pretty sad about that . I went in and sat with my mother in law , sister in law and nephew for hours while we waited for him to get out of surgery . My nephew finally had to leave so he could get to the city before all the traffic got bad . Eventually I gave in to going to the bathroom and guess who came out while I was in there ? Yep , the Dr finally came out to give the news . And I missed most of it . Batting 100 today ! After that he was in recovery so we ran an errand for my mother in law real quick and got her the ice cream she was craving . We got back and waited some more and then hours later finally got the news that he was moved up to ICU . We went up and only had to wait a few minutes before they came and got us . By that time Scott had made it there from work . I was surprised that they let all four of us go in together but they did . They sure have relaxed hospital rules from what they used to be when I was a kid . Remember when you had to be 14 or 16 to visit someone ? My father in law was actually kind of awake when we came in . I was pretty surprised that he cracked a joke before he started snoring . He woke back up a few times and would talk a bit then fall back asleep . I had went out for a bit since I felt like there was too many people in the room . My mother in law and sister in law left not too long after that and I went back in and sat with Scott . We sat there for quite awhile before making a trek to the cafeteria for some food for him and then went back up for awhile longer . I finally left to go home to the kids and he stayed for a bit . It 's so surreal seeing your parents all old and broken , not knowing if they are going to live much longer . Very sad . I hope he can recover and be around longer . Scott 's mom said she is down to 95 pounds . She 's like a walking talking skeleton with clothes and skin . I 'm surprised she made it so long today . Pin It Friday night I went over to my friend 's house to get a bunch of plants from her . She is moving to Minnesota , which is where she was from originally . She hates it here in the valley and was lucky enough to get a job back home . It will be great for her to be closer to her nephews and away from her job that she hates . Anyhow , she is a big gardener so I went over and got a bunch of her outside potted plants . She rents so next weekend we will dig some of the ones she had planted in the yard and get those too . Somehow we managed to get a half wine barrel full of plants in the back of Scott 's little truck all by ourselves . I was quite impressed ! Of course I had a few drinks while I was there so I had to stay awhile and didn 't get home until 1 : 30 in the morning . I slept in a little too long on Saturday morning and we ended up running behind for the family reunion for Scott 's side of the family . I was hoping we could get his parents to ride with us but of course his 82 year old dad insisted that he drive himself . We didn 't even get out of town and Scott had to pull over and tell him he needed to stop running the stop signs to keep up with us . Of course he didn 't even think he was rolling them . He was good for awhile then started doing it again and at one point almost rear ended us . Oh and did I mention that he didn 't drive over 45 the whole way there ? We finally got there and even though we were late we were still the first people to show up . An hour later his one sister and her daughter in law showed up , and then an hour later another sister and her son . Not too many people this time . We were outside hanging out when we heard a loud shout and we came running in the house to find my father in law sitting on the tile floor by the front door . Apparently he had slipped on the rug trying to go out the door . When he fell he also hit his head on a coffee table that was close by . He was sitting on the floor and when he tried to get up he almost fell down . He couldn 't control his right leg . Scott and his nephew got him a chair to sit in and helped him into it . They picked it up and moved it to the living room and he sat there for a bit while everyone decided what to do . We all knew that he must have broke either his hip or his leg and he wanted to go to the hospital in our home city . Scott and his nephew got him loaded in the car by carrying him and the chair out to it . ( yes they are big guys ! ) Scott 's sister who had been planning on going home with her parents anyways drove and we caravaned to the hospital ( again not going over 45 since they were yelling at her not to drive too fast ) . Eventually we got there and they took him in through the ambulance entrance . Hours later they said he had a broken hip and would have to have surgery . Scott 's mom was complaining that she was tired so I offered to take her home . She took me up on it and she complained of a head ache when we were walking out to the car . The woman is so tiny and frail . All I can think about is that there is no way that she is going to be able to care for her husband by herself . Back at the hospital , Scott 's sister ended up staying with his dad while they waited for him to be taken to a room . We decided to leave since we had had plans to go to my brother 's birthday party that evening . Jess had already taken the kids there . We finally got out of the hospital around 7ish . My sister in law said they didn 't get him to a room until after 10 and they lost one of his shoes somewhere . We went to my brothers and had a really fun time . Jessica 's new boyfriend came so I finally got to meet him . When he was leaving I went to give him a hug and spilled part of my drink on him and messed up his phone . Great first impression , eh ? I drank way too much and contemplated throwing up for most of the ride home . I was wide awake early Sunday morning . I woke up to the sound of a cat fight out the back door . My cat that I just paid $ 400 to get his neck sewn back up had somehow got outside during the night and was fighting with the same fucking cat . I really need to try and catch that cat and take it in to the pound . I don 't think it belongs to anyone . Eventually Buster came back and banged on the back door to get in . So far he looks ok . I hope he didn 't do anything that will cause another abscess . Stupid cat ! I told Scott he was probably pissed that he 's had to sit inside looking at the stray walking around in his yard for a couple weeks now and wanted to go out and kick his ass ! I got up while Scott slept in and made a 3 bean chili for the barbecue at my other brothers for father 's day and a Greek salad . Eventually he got up after sleeping in all morning and I made waffles . The plan for the day was to go visit his dad then go out to my brother 's house . He ended up watching a movie so again we left later than I had planned . We went up and saw his dad who is doing pretty well considering the circumstances . He has to wait until Monday because he is on blood thinners ( and 12 other medications ) . It 's no wonder the man fell down with all those chemicals swirling in his system . Most people can barely handle one kind of medicine . While we were there I left for a little bit to go take a card to my real dad 's house , which is only a few blocks over . He wasn 't home so we left the card on the porch . Hopefully it 's still there when he gets back from where ever he is . Not too long after I got back we left , went home and grabbed the food and then went over to my brother 's house to celebrate Father 's Day . I just got my dad a card since he 's so hard to buy for . My brother ? Got him an iPhone . Crazy . I wish they would talk about what they want to do so we could go in together or something . I 'm sure I look like the total cheapskate ! I hope you all had a nice Father 's day weekend ! I am going to try to get up early so I can go in to work early and maybe leave at lunch time to go to the hospital . Poor Scott isn 't able to take the day off since his boss is on vacation ( again ) and he 's pretty much running the place . I hope nothing happens to his dad while he 's in surgery and everything goes well . He had a pace maker and a defibrillator in his chest already so there are a lot of things that can go wrong I 'm sure . But we 'll just not focus on those things and have a positive outlook right ? Pin It I actually don 't have a book for this weekend ! I 've caught up on all the ones I 've read . I still have a bunch of stacks so I 'll have another one soon I 'm sure ! Pin It I 'm almost all cried out . For the minute anyways . I had to take my poor little Sydney kitty in and have her put down today : ( I 'd put a pic up but I just can 't bear it . The poor thing was down to 5 pounds when they weighed her . : sob : In other news , I went out to dinner Las Casuelas with my two of my friends yesterday . I 've been friends with these gals for 12 years now . My one friend can talk for like AGES . It 's like no one else can say anything . It really annoys me sometimes . Well pretty much everytime we get together . I still like her and have a nice time when we 're all together , I just wonder if she realizes she monopolizes the whole conversation ? It 's quite exhausting actually . After I got home I sat down and almost immediately the power went out . When you live out in the country the power goes off a few times a year so we didn 't think much of it and all ended up outside because it was hotter in the house than out there . I actually got Scott to mow the lawn and I went around and watered everything while the kids all whined and complained about the bugs and how hot it was . After about an hour I realized that both next door neighbors had power . WTH ? The whole block behind us however didn 't have power so apparently we 're connected to their power line . I decided to call the power company and it said that I was the first one reporting the outage . I 'm glad I didn 't wait much longer to call . About an hour or so later they came out and replaced the fuse on the power pole and everyone went to bed . Pretty exciting night ! This has been the best weekend in such a long time ! Scott and I saved Saturday for just us to go do something . We weren 't quite sure what we wanted to do . We had talked a bit about going around Gold Country and looking at antiques . We also talked about going to Auburn to see if we could find this place that we ate at years ago that had the best burgers EVER . We drove up to Auburn and somehow found the burger place right away . We were pretty proud of ourselves . It turns out the place is called Brookside Grill . Unfortunetly their website link doesn 't work on the Auburn food page here , but it has the info . I got the San Francisco burger . It was good but could have been cooked just a bit more for my liking . Scott got the mushroom swiss and he moaned and said it was just as good as he remembered . After that we went and walked around the stores . Then we took Hwy 49 , which is the road through all the old Gold Country towns . We drove through Coloma , which one of these days I really want to stop and check out . Then we ended up stopping in Placerville , which had a street fair of sorts going on . I don 't think I 've ever been to Placerville before , but they had a great variety of shops . I love going through all the antique stores . Although I didn 't buy anything , I 'm still thinking of some little green glass salt and pepper shakers I saw . We had missed the cook off they were having but there was still people playing live music . I think we spent a few hours there walking around . By the time we were done there we realized it was probably too late to hit any of the other towns to go through the shops . We continued down Hwy 49 and decided to go to one of the Indian casinos . Although the internet service on my phone kept going in and out I was able to find the Black Oak Casino and navigate us there with only a few turn arounds . We decided to just play $ 20 each , which maybe took us about an hour to lose on the penny machines . It was pretty crowded there . It was fun even though we lost . After that we went back up to Sonora and stopped at Round Table Pizza since Scott was jonesing for some pizza . When we walked inside we were greeted with some REALLY LOUD music . Then we realized it was live . This guy was playing and singing his heart out . You can 't really see but there 's another guy behind the salad bar playing a bass guitar . The lady in the booth was with them and was singing along to herself . They really weren 't that bad it was just REALLY LOUD . They were only there for about half an hour and then packed up . After that we drove home ! It wasn 't an EXCITING day but it was so nice and relaxing and we had a good time hanging out with each other . Not a bad way to celebrate 18 years of marriage if I do say so myself ! Here 's to one more year ! Pin It This weeks book is a paperback . You might have read it and or seen the movie . If you 've just seen the movie you need to read the book because it 's WAY different than the movie . Her parents ' divorce left 17 - year - old Veronica Miller embittered and confused . Three years later , " Ronnie " still seethes with anger toward her father , a musician and teacher who has abandoned hectic New York City for the quiet beach town of Wilmington , North Carolina . Nevertheless , she reluctantly agrees to her mother 's altruistic plan that for the good of all concerned , she should visit her estranged father in his new home . As the story of The Last Song unfolds , novelist Nicholas Sparks weaves his magic , threading together the intricate story of three very different people tied inextricably together . As a reminder my Free Book Friday books are previously read books . I am cleaning off my nightstand and sharing with you ! All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment on this post and I 'll pick a winner NEXT Friday ! Pin It So I just got home from going to the movies by myself . Am I the only one out there that loves going to the movies by themselves ? I think it 's AWESOME ! I can get my own popcorn , my own soda , sit where ever I want and even stay to watch all the credits if I want to ! It was the only chick flick that was playing that I hadn 't already seen ( the only other one playing was Bridesmaids which I saw last week with Jess ) . It took me about three - fourths of the movie to realize that HELLO , I have read this book . And the one that came after it . So now I 'm racking my brain trying to remember how it all went . I know Darcy ends up going to stay with Ethan and I THINK I remember what happens . It 's in the next book Something Blue . I was thinking there was another one after that but I guess not . I wonder if they will make a sequel to the movie ? I really like Ginnifer Goodwin . I remember her most from Walk The Line . She played Johnny Cash 's first wife . She reminds me of Sally Field . I think she looks a lot like her . The reason I was able to go to the movies by myself is that my Mom took my two youngest for the night . Thank God for Mom 's ! ! It 's great when she takes them to her house since she babysits my nephew Tony . That way Tony and Trevor can play and Melissa ends up helping out with my other brother 's little one , who my Mom also watches . Am I supposed to capitalize Mom when I 'm talking about her ? Since I am using it as a name ? Hmm English classes were a long time ago . ( and according to spell check I need to capitalize English ! ) Today at work was pretty interesting . First I had to drive to a little town about half an hour away to get this lady to sign a contract modification . I got all the way out there and no one is home ? Came back and the lady shows up in the office about fifteen minutes later . She told the contract lady that I must have went to the wrong house . UM NO . Freaking liar ! Not that I really care since it got me out of the office for over an hour . After that I went to a meeting . They were having a meeting because the girl that is my direct boss is quitting and they were having a discussion of sorts on how they wanted to go about hiring a new person . I decided to go to the meeting ( which was open to the public ) to find out what was going on , because this WILL affect me . Basically they don 't want to pay people very much money to do more stuff than one person is really able to do without wanting to slit their wrists . Which explains why I DO NOT want the job . I put in my two cents worth and told the board that I think that the job is too big for one person . One of the board members basically acted like I was an idiot , even though I sat almost on top of the last girl that did the job and watched the most recent one go from cute and perky to totally stressed out and haggard looking . Yeah , you that comes in just for meetings and signing checks , you really know what you 're talking about . It really makes me want to find a new job . BUT I don 't really have to deal with them very often so I guess I won 't . I just don 't like the way they act . It really pisses me off actually . So yeah . I 'm home by myself at the moment . It 's almost quiet . Except the fan is making a weird noise . Funny how you hear things when it 's so QUIET . Pin It Saturday my girls and I went to the LAC Concert . Which is a concert put on by the local country radio station . The only way you can get tickets is to win them or purchase them for $ 10 at one of the ticket stops they have . Jessica won us two at one of the ticket stops . She tried another time to win more but wasn 't successful so I had her buy one for Melissa so the three of us could go together . When we woke up that morning it was raining cats and dogs so I wasn 't sure if we REALLY wanted to go stand out in the rain for a concert . I told Jessica I was trying to decide if I wanted to go when she woke up . She responded by freaking out about how she had wasted all her time standing in line for me and now I wasn 't even going to go . She went on and on and on . Sheesh . Nothing like guilting me into going . So I bundled up and we went . When we got there Jessica 's friend and her sister were already waiting in line to get in . The line to get in was 2 blocks long . I have no idea why the line was so long . The doors had even been open for about an hour . Eventually we got in and Jessica and her friend took off and I was left with Melissa and the friend 's sister . Which was fine but not really what I was planning . My crew and I worked our way towards the front of the stage . The girls were about as exciting and a rock . I on the other hand was doing a little bouncing and a little screaming with my arms up , etc . Jessica sent me a text that said " tell me when you are ready to go , I 'm not having much fun " . I 'm thinking SERIOUSLY ? After all that shit she gave me about going ? I just ignored that one and kept on bouncing to the music . Then she kept texting me that they had ditched her and she was trying to find us . Eventually she worked her way up to us . She told me to " please stop " when I was bouncing around to the music . Seriously ? It 's a freaking concert . Sorry if I 'm " embarrassing you " in a crowd of a few thousand people that aren 't even looking at me . Eventually I gave her $ 20 and she left to go find her friend again . After two sets Melissa kept telling me how " tired " she was . Seriously , you are 12 . You should be able to run a freaking marathon ? What is it with my children ? So then I said " ok " and we made out way away from our awesome spot : ( and went to the bathroom , got the girls and ice cream and sat on some wet grass for awhile . I sent Jess a text asking if she was ready to go and she met up with us all pissed off . I still have no idea what she was so pissed off about . We could have stayed longer if she wanted to . I was so mad by the time we got to the car I don 't think I said a word to anyone on the way home . So much for my girl bonding day where we were all going to hang out together and have fun . Next time I 'm taking a friend ! So out of the two bands we saw we saw the Eli Young Band and who was really good even though I didn 't know all their songs and Emerson Drive , who I also didn 't know all their songs but they were freaking AWESOME . I especially loved the fiddle / violin ? player . Their songs just flowed into each other and they gave such a great show . Awww lookie there I lost a follower . That makes me sad . I know I haven 't been very entertaining lately . I keep wanting to blog but there is someone always hanging over my shoulder and I don 't like to blog when people are hanging around . My kids are out of school . Not sure if I mentioned that or not . Surprisingly I haven 't been getting calls all day at work and so far they haven 't killed each other . Today I got home from work and then had to take the cat in to get his drain out . I 'm glad that disgusting thing is gone . Blech ! I couldn 't find my OTHER cat this morning or after I got home . I looked everywhere in the house and even outside . She mostly stays in the house and keeps acting not quite right . I was very upset that I couldn 't find her since she 's been so off , if she somehow got outside that would definitely be the end of her . After taking Buster to the vet for the drain I dropped him and Trevor off at home and then went to the grocery store . When I got home I was putting the groceries away and out walks Sydney right out of the cabinet . I swear I looked in there quite a few times and never saw her curled up in there . Her eyes were very dilated and she was making a weird noise . She is so thin I don 't think she 's been eating much . I was holding her on the couch and just started bawling . I 'm pretty sure her end is near . : ( I think maybe she 's had a few little strokes or something . Well I have more to blog about but that 's enough for now . I hope if she has to go she goes on her own while she 's sleeping so we can bury her somewhere in the garden . I hate having to take them in to put them to sleep : ( Pin It A dark , crooked beauty that fulfills all the promise of White Oleander and confirms that Janet Fitch is an artist of the very highest order . " Los Angeles Times Book Review Josie Tyrell , art model , runaway , and denizen of LA 's rock scene finds a chance at real love with Michael Faraday , a Harvard dropout and son of a renowned pianist . But when she receives a call from the coroner , asking her to identify her lover 's body , her bright dreams all turn to black . Josie struggles to understand Michael 's death and to hold onto the world they shared , she is both attracted to and repelled by his pianist mother , Meredith , who blames Josie for her son 's torment . Soon the two women are drawn into a twisted relationship that reflects equal parts distrust and blind need . With the luxurious prose and fever pitch intensity that are her hallmarks , Janet Fitch weaves a spellbinding tale of love , betrayal , and the possibility of transcendence . I 'm not going to lie . This is a deep read . BUT it 's one I think about sometimes . It has very mixed reviews and people either love it or hate it . I 'll let you decide ! So nothing too exciting happened today . Well other than my immediate boss giving her two weeks notice . She 's a younger gal , just graduated college last Friday and she 's been on vacation for about a week . She 's off until the 6th when I think she 's coming back for a week and then will be done . Did I mention that she taught me how to make the payroll checks before she went on vacation ? My other boss told me I get to make those for awhile longer , and am I sure I didn 't want that position ? ? Most people would say jump at it but I don 't want it . WAY too much stress thank you very much . Hopefully whoever they get to take her place is nice and not some dick head . The poor girl that was doing it turned into a giant stress ball . In other news my $ 420 that some asshole used in Vegas is pending back INTO my account . I just paid most of the bills . I can 't pay my big one though since my husband put his paycheck into an account that I don 't have access to . He said he will add me but it better be pretty quick . Otherwise the first thing to go is the Direct TV . I 'm trying to figure out what to do since I have some things that come out of my old account automatically . I JUST sent in a thing to change my life insurance to this account . I 'm kind of thinking of just keeping it for stuff that 's online but I think that might be too much of a pain in the ass having to transfer money to different banks all the time . Jessica picked up the cat for me today . It ended up costing a $ 100 less than they had quoted me . WOOHOO . I had opened a Care Credit account so the bill went on there . Should be pretty easy to pay that off quick . The poor kitty though . He has a big rubber drain , a ton of stitches and a cone . The dog is kind of scared of him in his new state I think . Whenever he 's walking around he starts barking at him like he 's some alien cat . Poor thing . He goes back in 5 days to get the drain out and 2 weeks for the stitches . Hopefully I can get him to like being indoor more so he 'll stop getting his neck ripped off . I think this is the 3rd time it 's been sewn back together . Looks pretty appetizing doesn 't it ? It 's kind of by the windows so I 'm thinking they got a little too much sun . Pretty gross though ! Well it 's 7 : 00 and Scott isn 't home and never sent me a message that he was leaving work . My little kids still aren 't home yet either . Melissa said my mom was bringing them home later but now I 'm thinking it must be MUCH later . Maybe I 'll go pull out my scrapbooking stuff or something . Pin It Hey crazy people ! ! It 's been like days since I 've posted anything . Feels like forever but I guess it 's not that long . Don 't forget to comment here for your free book ! If I owe you a book it will be going out tomorrow . I 'm a slacker , sorry ! My mom has had my two youngest kids since SATURDAY . It is now WEDNESDAY . That 's a long freaking time without much responsibility . I feel like I should be in Vegas or something ! BUT I have no money . Especially since someone has once again JACKED OUR F ' ING BANK ACCOUNT . And guess where the jacker jacked our money ? In VEGAS . Mother trucker ! ! So we are now the proud owner of not one but TWO new bank accounts at new banks . I guess we 'll find out soon if it 's someone at the bank that 's getting our info or someone who is stealing our numbers somewhere where we shop . This time they used Scott 's ATM card number at an actual CHASE ATM . Funny how they did that since his card was in his wallet here in our living room when it happened . We reported the card number as stolen and have been waiting for the " pending " transaction to clear so that we can get it reversed . Nice f ' ing bank that makes you wait so long to get your money back ! To add to all the fun my cat Buster has been missing since last Tuesday . I thought for sure he was a coyote snack . BUT today Jessica found him under the boat in the side yard . WITH a big huge hole in his neck . I took him in to the vet and they said he probably got in a cat fight , got an abscess and it ruptured . So CHA ' CHING . I really won 't be going to Vegas anytime soon . I did apply for the Care Credit card and was approved so I get 6 months at least to pay that off with no interest . Would have been nice to put that towards something a little more fun than a scruffy cat . Last night I picked up my friend at the San Francisco airport . I took her about 2 weeks ago , with no problems at all . Picking her up was fine too , except I now know when someone says they have landed to give them at least a half hour to get their luggage before you attempt to pick them up . Otherwise you get to drive around and around and around the whole airport since you aren 't supposed to just stop and wait . Totally inconvenient ! Sunday we went to my brother 's house for a BBQ . They cooked ribs this time and they were delicious ! I had cleaned up my room earlier that day so Monday when I was off with no little kids I worked on Jessica 's scrapbook . I haven 't scrapbooked in forever so it took me awhile to get organized and to find all my stuff . I did a few simple pages and her book is now caught up to Halloween of last year . Woohoo not too far behind there . I 'd like to keep hers all caught up . I 'm planning on stopping her book after she graduates next year . Then I 'll just do any of her stuff in my family album . The kid already is going to have to get bookshelf when she eventually takes all her albums . She has one for every year or two so that 's quite a few ! I 'm importing some audio books onto my iPod . From the library . It 's a great way to get some free books and to have something to listen to in the car , washing dishes and putting away the laundry . Well enough about me , what have you been up to ? I 've been trying to read blogs and comment . Leave me a comment and I 'll leave you on your blog too !

It has been thirty years and not one second of any day gets any less devastating . We still hear your voice and see your infectious smile every day . Heaven is lucky to have you , we just wish not now . We miss and love you forever and ever and ever . No matter how many years had passed , the pain was still vivid . Andrea closed her eyes , saw the two of them climbing the wall of a church ten year - old kids laughing out loud terrified - she opened her eyes . She could only get a glimpse of him , ' no more ' , " no more " . Someone has to appease the overwhelmed and impose silence on the truths that must not be spoken . Andrea could name the day she had become Atlas . " Me trae salsa habanera ? " Hector displayed his shiniest smile for Caterina 's maid . His wife sighed but didn 't say anything : she was too preoccupied making sure that their son was watching television with his cousins . Cristina turned towards her father . He had asked her to move back to Mexico to take over his business . She had refused . Now , she asked in a gentle , almost apologetic , tone : " How 's the company , dad ? " " I 'm doing some remodeling , and I 've talked to a lawyer about expanding the place and - Why do you care ? " The dream of a peaceful conversation faded away . Armandita , the Mother , seized the opportunity and told Javier , the father , that he still owed her money . Caterina made a joke about how Hector was sweating . Hector cleaned his face with a napkin . Cristina announced that she was with child . " Pregnant ? Again ? " exclaimed Armandita . " I only have one son . " " Yes , but I already have eight grand children . " " Cherished ones . " At this , Armandita smiled . She spent her old age travelling to take care of her eight - soon to be nine - grand children . She insisted on everyone following her lead : to brush their hair as she would have done , to brush their teeth as she would have done , to love theirs husbands as she should have done . Armandita had considered since the hospital , gloom corridor falling apart on a filthy floor listening to the silence that devours his words - she had considered that it was Javier 's fault . Even if she tried to be rational , the feeling came back , like nausea . She cherished him and she couldn 't forgive him . During the funeral , Javier had seen the accusation in her eyes . He had stayed . He had spent most of his time working and - years later - cheating on her . Then , he had left . " Mom , it is only the flu . Please let me go . " Armandita had turned towards him : " Francisco , I said no , you 'll have other opportunities to have fun with your friends . Tonight , I 'm going out with my sister and I want you to stay tight . Read a book , since you love so much poetry . Maybe you could write your masterpiece in the next hours , who knows ? " Francisco returned to the room he shared with Andrea and sat down on his bed . He opened a José Marti anthology . " You look grumpy . Did you ask permission again ? " Francisco laughed . " Mom told me to stay and write my masterpiece . Duty calls . " " Paco , the great poet . I can picture it . Your face will be in the newspaper , and I 'll come into the library of Columbia University - where I 'll be studying art history … " " Of course . " " … and I 'll find your books . The librarian will recommend them . He 'll say this book , Miss , this book is extraordinary . " Andrea didn 't exactly know what ' great people ' signified but she was certain that it didn 't mean becoming as cribbed with debts as their father . " It 's time for the children to go to sleep " said Gaston , Cristina 's husband . " Let 's finish dinner first , and put them to bed afterwards . " answered Caterina . Cristina intervened : " Surely , Caty , you don 't mind if we put our son to sleep ? " Caterina sighed . She disliked how Cristina stood by her husband instead of her family . She turned to Andrea for wisdom . Thus , Andrea spoke . " Now that Gaston has spoken about putting the children to bed , what is the only thing we are going to think about ? " A silence . " It would make us hurry through dinner . That would be a shame . " Everyone got up . The parents fetched their children and divided them between the several bedrooms . It was a tumult . All of a sudden , the children were in bed , the lights were out , and the parents had regained the table . " Where were we ? " asked Gaston . Half the table laughed . Gaston was funny and clever and empathetic , but he was the man that prevented Cristina from coming back to Mexico . Wasn 't he ? The truth was that Cristina had chosen the family she had built over the family she was born in . When Caterina went to visit them in Spain , she saw how meaningful her sister 's quest was , how her family looked like a work of art , sculpted smoothly over the years . When anyone saw them in Spain , they understood why Cristina 's choice was to stay in Europe , even if she cried because of how much she missed them . She was working on a lifelong masterpiece . There was still some resentment , but no one was bewildered anymore . It made sense . " How 's business ? " asked Javier to Gaston . " Been better . The crisis in Spain gets worse everyday . " Cristina wondered if her father would mention his own business . He didn 't . " I 'm not feeling that good " uttered Caterina . She was struck by migraines . Andrea asked : " Have you thought about the operation ? " " I 'll be back in a second . " They used to be able to celebrate . Time hadn 't cured anything . The newspaper was on the table . Javier said : " I miss him " . Armandita slowly turned towards him and muttered : " How dare you . " Caterina came into the bedroom and ran into Francisco 's arms . " Y ahora por qué estas llorando ? " " Cristina stole my toy and she won 't give it back . " " Baby girl , stop crying . She 'll give it back . " Cristina came into the room , Caterina stopped crying and Cristina gave her the toy back . " Sometimes , I wonder if they fight just so they have an excuse to come and talk to you . " " That would be flattering . " " What do you think of being a German TV producer ? " " Or a lead singer in an African band ? " " Or a communist ? " " Or a dictator ? " When Armandita went to check on how the kids were doing , she saw that they had fallen asleep . Only Hector 's son still asked for a kiss from his father . Hector 's first marriage had been hell . He fell in love with a woman his family hated . " You 're a nice guy and she 's a hysterical woman " . He married her and they had two kids . He cheated on her . She threw him out . To prove a point , he slept with dozens of women . He met one he liked . " You 're a womanizer and she 's too young for you and you don 't want the same things out of life " . " She 's a wicked witch " . He married her . They had a child together . And no one said it but everyone wondered : would this son feel as abandoned by his father as the two others ? Hector thought honestly that he did his best . Sometimes he lay awake at night , in his bed , asking himself : is there something more I could have done ? His ex - wife had taken his two children next to the frontier with the United States , in one of the most dangerous areas of the country . He couldn 't afford to go visit them often - he had to pay for the furniture , and the apartment , and his third son , and his wife , and the presents , and the sports clothes , and gas for the car . Is machismo despicable ? Imagine the anguish you feel when your family depends on you . Everything you do has a consequence on the people you love . There is no time for depression or laziness . You cannot come home and be a jerk to your wife . She is locked up in your house , so you try to make it resplendent . You buy furniture . You buy presents . You buy toys for the kids . She doesn 't work . Why would she ? She 's the one that gave birth . She 's the one that carried them in her body . Hector sighed . His sisters frowned . You shouldn 't sigh when your son asks for a goodnight kiss . You should find it adorable and smile . So Hector smiled . On his way to the bedroom , he thought about the deal he couldn 't manage to close in his office today , the consequences it might have on his position , the drinks he would buy to his boss to elude the issue . He pictured the woman he had seen in the cafeteria but then he remembered his wife was looking at him , only a few meters behind , waiting for him with a family that hated her , and she was thinking " Could he hurry up and not leave me too long with them ? They hate me as much as they hated the last one . They won 't respect anyone that comes close to him and yet they have no power over him . I do . I won 't let him go away . That makes them hate me even more . " Chucho was lying on his bed , his eyes open , looking at the ceiling , listening . He smiled when he heard his father 's footsteps getting closer . They hugged , and his father kissed him on the forehead . He said " Go to sleep now " and his son asked " Will you be here tomorrow ? " and he answered " No , I have to go to work , but I 'll be there in two or three days , meanwhile you 'll be with your cousins and your aunts and your grandparents , and that 's great , right ? " and Hector left quickly to prevent himself from hearing the silence that would expose the disappointment and resentment of his son . Good graces , he would have to hear it all when his sons became teenagers . He had ruined his deal . His wife was angry with him for coming to this family reunion . His sisters were angry with him for bringing her . He went back to the dinner table . Omar was different . Armandita and Caterina called him all day long , so he could fetch them and take them to the city , and back to the suburbs , and to the supermarket - and then the kids called him so that he would take them to parties or to the beach or to the movies . You would get in his car and put on your favorite tune . He had to listen to it . If he had been an artist , he would have learnt everything about human condition and characters right there . Seeing another culture or another country or another religion or another color of the skin is nothing compared to what appears if you watch a human being for long enough . Omar had watched them long enough . He had understood that the human being is - before anything else - details . He knew almost every detail about every human being in this family : how their face contracted when they were holding back their tears , how much Tabasco they would put on their corn , what music they would listen to while going to the movies , what they would fight about and how much they yearned to be right . The presence of a silent witness assuages families . Omar had left at six . They were alone . He wasn 't there to measure the chaos . Three hundred and twenty - seven thoughts and emotions fired around the table . To prevent chaos , one person had to be neutral . Exteriority enables you to see others ' shadows and to hush them away before the explosion . The maids know the potential of destruction that the Family possesses . They leave after serving the main dish . Armandita takes care of the dessert and the sisters bring the plates to the kitchen and bring clean ones . The father and the husbands laugh . They talk about money and sports . They don 't talk about politics . Politics is chaos in Mexico . They 've heard Mexico is the new Columbia . They don 't talk about politics . " We 're thinking about going to Brazil for the FIFA world cup . " said Jean , Andrea 's husband . " Really ? Great for you , bro " answered Hector . Javier had some cigars . He said they could smoke them after dessert on the terrace . Javier usually wasn 't invited to those dinners anymore , he was welcome because of the anniversary of his son 's death - and isn 't that the saddest reason to be invited anywhere ? He had only one night to prove that he wasn 't the son of a bitch most of the family said he was . He had gone to the first grandchildren 's Christmas parties . Then , Armandita had woken up from a long dream . She had decided to fight but had picked the wrong fight . Instead of fighting for her own happiness , she fought like Medea to make him as unhappy as she was . She didn 't have to kill her children , just to make them hate their father . He would lose everyone and be alone , as much as she felt alone since he had let Francisco out of the house . She had begun living in the past . She cried - daily . She listened only to those songs that made her sob and remember what had occurred twenty years ago . Her stories had become the truth . They had been accepted . It was easier to accept that vision . It was easier not to think , not to look back at when Francisco died , not to consider how huge the suffering and the guilt of Javier might still be , not to imagine him sitting alone at night in his apartment . Inflicting him pain was punishing him for everything he had done in the past . They were all Christians but when it came to him , there was no forgiveness . They didn 't forgive the fact that he had beaten them up during their childhood , they didn 't forgive how he disappeared in his office instead of watching over them , they didn 't forgive how he had cheated on Armandita . Most of all , evidently , they didn 't forgive him for saying : " Sure , go out with your friends . " In a world where everything goes fast and everyone feels lonely , a family got trapped around a dinner table . Time slowed down . They were all facing each other . They could have fought or forgiven . However , they didn 't trust words anymore . Andrea was the first daughter , as Armandita had been , as her mother had been . Their family was cursed . Three men had died at fourteen years old . One had killed himself , another had been in a train accident , Francisco had been hit by a car . They didn 't know each other . They didn 't live in the same city . They shared the same blood . Three sons had died . The grief had been unbearable . The terror , though , was worse . Andrea had a son . He was thirteen . Every time he went out the door , she said I love you . What she meant was Don 't go . Often he would go out at six to play football and then he wouldn 't come home for hours . He had missed the bus , lost his way , or waited for a teacher . He saw how crazy this was driving his mother . Maybe it was his way of punishing her for giving him Francisco 's name . Maybe it was his way of proving to her that there was no curse , because no matter how long it took him , he always came home . They didn 't talk about it . They were afraid that words would provoke traumatism . Their naiveté was to think that silence would not . The dessert was a basket of fruits and yogurts and beers and a strawberry cake and cigars . Caterina put on a song of Miguel Bosé . She sang . The husbands considered it was time to smoke their cigars . They went to the garden . The ocean was roaring . " I need one of you to take over the company " finally said Javier . " I 'm not feeling that healthy anymore , it will happen to y ' all . " No one answered . " I worked hard to maintain this business and it 's as clean and healthy as I could make it , and I can 't bear the thought of abandoning it . " Gaston frowned : " If you 're saying this to make us … " " I 'm not trying to make anyone do anything . I 'm asking . " There was a silence . " Please . " Suddenly Jean said : " We 'll find a solution . " He understood the importance of either maintaining it or selling it to the right of price . They were in a crisis . They were not going to find a buyer who would pay enough - except a drug dealer . Someone of the family had to take over the company . Meanwhile , the women , on the other side of the glass window , were singing . Cristina and Caterina smoked light cigarettes . They all drank beers with lemon and salt . They sung with their eyes open and with their eyes closed . Armandita was petrified . Knowing that Javier was on the other side of the glass , she couldn 't sing . She had been saying for months that their marriage would have been saved if she had sung and danced and shown joy . But now that she saw him , she feared his judgment . She didn 't want to seem futile or dumb . She couldn 't cope with his look of hatred or contempt . The problem was she didn 't love herself very much . She didn 't take care of herself , she didn 't realize any of the projects she cared about , she didn 't make new friends , she didn 't travel to the places she dreamt of , she hated her body but wouldn 't try to change it . It was only when she got lost in a city that she felt happy . What she loved most was the disintegration of her self . That was why she took care of her children and grandchildren and lived with them , existing through her descendants as projections . She was a great grandmother . Still , she wasn 't happy . Her daughters saddened when they saw her so vulnerable , sitting on her chair , trying not to look at Javier . Their new mood called for a new song . Music was a collective catalyst . When one of them was depressed , she smiled all day long , all week long if necessary , all year long most of the time , and then she sat down , put some music , sang and cried . Armandita asked for Gloria Trevi and they all knew it was not a good idea but Caterina obeyed anyway . Armandita wanted the song that talked about solitude , about the loneliness that follows break - ups . It had been twenty years since her break - up with Javier . Her daughters didn 't say anything this time . They had pronounced too many times the prayers and admonitions . The song began and Armandita startled . Her voice was trembling at the beginning . Then it got stronger . Javier opened the door to go to the restroom . He turned towards her . Everyone was looking now , the girls in the dining room , the boys on the terrace , and Javier stood still staring at Armandita . The song was a curse . She was pleading the loneliness to make Javier feel as abandoned as she did . Everyone stopped breathing . Javier left the dining room . He went to the bathroom . He thought How many times . He thought How can this still be going on after twenty years . He thought Is there no way she 'll leave it alone . Then he thought about the divorce papers he had refused to sign . He thought about how he had managed to see her by not giving her enough money for the month . He had made her come to his office and ask for it , and they had fought . They weren 't in love with each other anymore , but they still knew and hated and loved each other 's details , and that was maintaining them close . Everyone had a hypothesis . Some thought that they wanted to grow old and die together , that they were used to each other . Others thought it was Francisco . His death tore them apart . Signing the papers would mean acceptance . They all said they had mourned . They all said they had understood . But how do you understand that your fourteen - year old son , who was a poet , who was generous , who was an extraordinary son brother human being , how do you understand that he 's gone ? It was easier to fight . It 's always easier to fight . Every time someone mentioned the second hypothesis , Hector was silent . The heaviness of Francisco 's cadaver was on his shoulders . Hector was the second son ; he was , in fact , the other son . When someone dies , you forget what he did wrong . You apologize the fact that he asked his mother and that she said no and that instead of obeying he then asked his father . Since Francisco was remembered as being the person who took care of Cristina and Caterina , who shared Andrea 's happiness and pain , then Hector himself could only appear as egoistical . He would never be altruist enough . He would never be as poetic . He would never be as responsible . He was nice , but even that tended to fade away . At times , he had wished to be dead , so that people would praise him . He thought It 's unfair ; it 's unfair because they 're praising him but I 'm trying and no one is acknowledging it . Then , he felt guilty . He couldn 't forgive his brother to be dead ; he couldn 't forgive himself to be alive . His nightmares had lightened when he had decided to stop thinking , to be numb - he followed the orders of women very demanding ; he had children he couldn 't even visit ; he tried different jobs in a lot of cities ; he exercised in a gym ; he went to a psychiatrist and then told Cristina every word of every session . He thought all the time about women . It was a struggle , and at least , he was trying to live through it . Sometimes , he woke up and he thought , how can I be so angry towards someone I loved so much ? When Javier got out of the bathroom , there was another song playing . The melody was happier . Armandita was in the kitchen , probably crying . Javier went to the terrace and immediately came back to his business . The women had stopped talking . Andrea finally stood up and joined her husband . Her sisters did the same . There was nothing to be done about Armandita . She wanted to be saved but she didn 't want to cure . Seeing that almost everyone was there , Javier talked about his business again . " I 'm glad that we are all gathered here . Thank you for your hospitality , Travis . " In a world of men , a man thanked the man that owned the house for his hospitality , not the woman that prepared the event . Travis was Caterina 's husband . Caterina shrugged her shoulders . Her father had ignored her from childhood to present day : it hurt , but at least it wasn 't a surprise anymore . " As I explained earlier , I am retiring . In this family , everyone has contributed to the business . I know some of you found other jobs . But I care a lot about the company , and all the memories it contains , of you , of him , of us when we were all together . " He cleared his throat . The memories of them being together was usually an ensemble of happy memories - except for the memories of them with Javier . Francisco hated the company . His father didn 't give him a choice , he had to go and learn about the business , he was thirteen years old , he loved poetry , but he needed to focus on the job 's requirements . Andrea was already working for her father . They went to school during the day and worked at night or during the weekend . The tradition was perpetuated with Cristina , Caterina and Hector when they turned thirteen . But Francisco was rebellious . He made a point in not learning . He would resist . So why would Javier mention Francisco as part of the company ? Didn 't he understand how much Francisco despised his business ? " And then , there 's our old house , the one where we all used to live in . " Armandita appeared on the doorstep : " Stop it . Don 't try to weaken them into accepting your business proposal . My son 's memories will not be used like this . I won 't tolerate it . " Javier rose . " I still remember everything about him , everyday . I almost wish I could be like those people who are worried because they forget the details about the people they love . " " Oh yes , certainly , I 'm sure you 'd prefer to forget , to forget how you killed him , how you murdered him . " At this , Javier sighed . He had waited twenty years for her to say it . " Armandita , I just said he could go out with his friends . " " I had said no , I had said no , he wouldn 't have been out , he wouldn 't have been in the streets , he wouldn 't have got hit by that car , it 's all your fault , you shouldn 't even be here , you 're not a part of this family anymore . " Javier wanted to punched her . He stood still , in silence . " So , as I was saying , there is a lot of emotional attachment to this business . I know the grief can seem unbearable when you start thinking about him again . It gets easier . I 've been doing this everyday for years . I sit down and I close my eyes . I try to remember him as precisely as possible . At first , it made me cry until I fell asleep . Now , I 'm calm . I believe that he was a wonderful person , and that we will meet him again in Heaven . Well , that 's what I hope . " " Look , guys , a family business is about carrying traditions and memories and building something from them . You know how tough it was for me when I created this company . I had left school at thirteen , I had - " " Dad , we know the story " said Cristina , gently . Javier smiled . He seemed happy that they remembered , as if that meant he was still a part of their lives . They all thought about his definition of the family business . It was appealing . It made them eager to take over the company and connect with their roots . They felt as if there were a mystical touch to this matter . It wasn 't their greedy father beating them up at night anymore . He had changed . Hector remained suspicious . Every time his father talked , his sisters were seduced ; but every time he walked out , they said they didn 't want anything to do with him . " Y ' all know I 'm not made for that kind of responsibility " Hector said . His father answered : " Maybe it 's about time you become someone that is . Being a father is not easy . I tried my best , I worked as much as I could so I could provide from you . What are you doing ? " " Look , if it 's about judging me , I 'm not interested . I 've had enough of this . " " Hector , for Christ 's sake " , said Caterina , " he 's not trying to judge you , he 's trying to help you . We all are . You need to step up . You are not a child or a teenager anymore . Are you willing to lose everything you care about ? " " Look now , I 'll be just fine . " Andrea stared at him , " My sweet , sweet brother , I know you 're lost , I know you 're fighting and feeling that the results are not grand enough , but keep fighting , and try to fight harder . You are strong . You cannot fail if you try with all the energy and kindness that I know you have inside of you . " " He is right , though , he 's not ready to take over a company . " said Javier . Everyone nodded . Andrea responded : " But maybe that 's exactly what he needs to grow up . " " My husband doesn 't want to move here . He says we 're making it work in Spain . He says we have a life there - he has a job , we have friends , we have a house . The idea of moving , of change , is contrary to the security he took so many years to build . He is a great father to our children . I 'm very much in love with him . I miss you , I miss this country , but I won 't come back - not without him . See , my two sons have a house they love . They feel Spanish , not Mexican . We have a garden . We have a television . We have a car . We have social security . I know what you 're thinking and what you say when I 'm not there , you think I should aim for more , you think I should be as rebellious as I was when I was a teenager . But I know what I 've done . I don 't blindfold myself . I know I 've chosen a path of security and family and peace . I know some of you think it 's better to reach for the stars or to build a company or to travel around the world . The thing is , even if we are a family , each of us has a very distinct way of comprehending life . We all have our own priorities and values . Maybe it 's because we all reacted differently to Francisco 's death . Sometimes , I believe we were all born that day . The pain , the level of pain , that intensity , created a new identity in every one of us . We were never the same after that . In other families , these differences are created by how people reacted to the pain they felt when they were born . We were born again when Francisco died . Anyway , that 's what I was thinking about back in the plane . During a long time , I thought , and I made you think , that it was his fault - my husband 's fault . I thought that I didn 't move because he had trapped me . Recently , I realized that I 've made every decision along with him . I 've decided to live in Spain , to live in a village , to put my children in that school , to buy that house . See , I don 't regret it . I understand my life could have been different , but I also know that it 's impossible to move forward if you spend your li " Dad , you know I live in New York , and you know I don 't belong to the same social class as you anymore . You know my husband cannot work here , his business is there and it cannot be moved . You know that he 'll go mad if you drive him out of Wall Street , he needs that job , the stress prevents him from sleeping , but without it , he couldn 't live . Look , Dad , I understand what you 're saying . There is remembrance in this company . Now , consider what my life was like . I left the house , the city and the country as soon as I could . I went far away and married someone that came from another background . I fled . I fled you and your obsession of work , and then I married someone obsessed by his work . I fled Mom and her depression . I fled the memories of Francisco . I fled the streets we walked on together . It took me quite some time to find peace . I am okay . I 'm holding on . Here , I can see how fragile everything is . I can see the ghost of Francisco everywhere , even in your eyes , even in Mom 's eyes . You 'll never get past it , and I understand . I need to get past it , though . Francisco and I , we were like twins . We were more than that : we were two halves . I don 't think Plato 's legend has to be about romantic love . I think it 's about love - and in our case , about fraternal love . We were two halves . When he died , I couldn 't breathe . I couldn 't cry either , because I had to take care of everyone here . You look annoyed . Dad , I have a life , and it doesn 't include you for a reason . You failed us in so many ways . I know you 're just human , but I am too , and I fought so much harder than you , as a child , as a teenager , as a woman , as a mother , as a wife . I 've managed to accomplish what you didn 't . I have a family that I love and who loves me back . Do you really think I would take over the company that made you leave us every morning and kept you until late at night ? You abandoned us every day with a mother that was sick in bed out of depression ; you abandoned us everyday so that you could go back to this compa " It 's not that I don 't want to take over the company , it 's that you never asked . You have asked the others . But you never came to me for help . When I was little , I used to be invisible to you . Don 't look at Andrea , she knows . She couldn 't do much about it , but she saw enough . I have made peace with you , Dad , because I have children and I want them to have a grandfather . But you have ignored my daughters as much as you used to ignore me . You only want to see Andrea 's children . I used to wonder what was wrong with me . I don 't anymore . I work in several benefits . I help kids with cancer . I teach classes to young women and I take classes about psychology . I take care of my children in a way you never did . I know you did your best , though . It must have been hard being hated and faulted . It must have been tough providing for a large family . A lot of struggles must have cost you a great deal . I believe you did almost as much as you could . Maybe it 's the almost that got you banished . Maybe you chose to be banished . Dad , I am not angry with you . But I am not going to act as if you wanted me to run this business ; I am not going to follow you with a smile and my ears open to the knowledge you finally deign to give me . I grew up without a father . That is the truth . I grew up without a father and today I have neither the energy nor the time to build a relationship with a father . I wonder what therapists would say . I wonder what priests would say . I wonder what your grandchildren would say . You see , for a long time , I wondered about how our relationship was right , and how it was wrong . Now , I have decided that as long as I am concerned , our relationship is only a bridge between you and your grandchildren . So I am not going to take over your company but I am going to give you this advice : if what you care about is truly the emotions that this family has put into this company , then let go of the company and come back to your family ; get to know your grandchildren ; that is a relationship you haven 't ruined yetJavier stood up . He stared at his three daughters . They wondered if he was going to have a cardiac arrest . That would have been the tragic answer to his past mistakes : the punishment , years later . They waited . Javier 's eyes filled with tears . " Are you going to cry again , Dad ? " asked Andrea . " It is useless : we accuse you of past mistakes and past mistakes cannot be solved by self - pity . They cannot be solved by anything . You have been banished out of this family . There is nothing for you here . You will be able to see your grandchildren if you wish to do so . Try to take care of yourself . I heard you remodeled your apartment . I wish you happiness and peace . " " How could I have find happiness and peace ? How can three Christian girls refuse to forgive their father ? What did I do that was so terrible ? I didn 't kill anyone . " " Maybe not . " answered Cristina . " I think you started off as a king , though . After a while , you became a tyrant . I remember you throwing the half - cooked meat at Mom 's face . " " And I used to be trapped with Dad in the kitchen . Did he yell at me ? Did he tell me how disappointed he was ? Did he beat me up ? " wondered Cristina . " Try to imagine it , then . His name was Francisco . He died thirty years ago . Close your eyes . Try to picture him . If you see him , please tell him we miss him . "

" How is that ? " she thought . He handed her a necklace with the name of the Lord engraved on it . " This will protect you and keep you from any harm " ; she held it close to her heart . Lucky are those who come back to their families even though the sad images from wars are stuck in their minds . But what about those who never come back , leaving everything behind them ? Sacrificing their happiness , and all the happy moments they will spend with their children to protect their country and fight for their rights that the enemies want to take from them . He was born like many other children , filled with love and innocent . He had caring parents as he recalls , they use to hold him and protect him in his first years . They taught him how to walk and how to talk . They used to run towards him and wipe his tears when he fell , just like any other parents would do for their child . He 's the youngest in the family , his brother was 12 years old , and his sister was almost 10 when he born . He used to wait for them , for when they come back to the place where they all sheltered under the bridge , to play with him . Usually they left that place early in the morning while he was still sleeping , and often they came back late after he was asleep . His mom was so special , she was the only person who was always around , his dad used to disappear , sometimes for weeks . As a little baby , all that mattered to him was to play , eat and sleep . He was too small to know what 's going on with his family . Newly arrived to life , he didn 't know yet that there is lot to go through , didn 't know that his life will be a battle , that he 's just one new fighter in this family he was born into . He didn 't know yet the name of the place he lives , he used to think it 's home , but his family name it hell … That became clear after he turned 6 years old . It was a sunny day when his mom told him to put on his dirty torn clothes and be ready for a long walk . " A long walk where ? " the boy asked , “… but mom I want to stay here and play " . With a strict look , his dad ordered him to obey his mom . The boy kept silent and bowed his head . His clothes were dirty as usual , you wouldn 't know it had different colors . His face were dirty as well , he didn 't have a mirror to know how he looked . Maybe if he did he would know why people ignored him in the streets , why they looked at him in a disgusted way . He loves to leave what he calls home , to enjoy the sunshine , because where he lives the rays of the sun can 't find their way . Their place was not a healthy one . That 's the reason why the family was ofteAll he saw were strangers , people who ignored him , or who looked at him in pity , who pushed him to get away from them . Happy children were everywhere , he saw them playing with their parents , laughing and giggling . He wondered why their parents didn 't leave them alone in this place like his mom did . The time passed , and by noon , he felt so hungry and wanted something to eat . He couldn 't go and just ask people to give him money , or even to give him something to eat . He was so scared and lost . He went to the garbage , started to eat the old bread . A cat made him start from fear when she jumped out from the garbage . He was crying and didn 't know what to do . He ate a little , only what he could find in the garbage , it was better than nothing . He walked around , trying to ask people to give him money . The first woman he saw sitting with her kids , he came near to her and said " give me money please or something to eat " . The woman yelled at him , protective of her own two kids . " I 'm not going to hurt them , I 'm just a kid like them " he mumbled . But she kept on yelling , telling him to stay away . The first day ended , the sun disappeared and his mom never reappeared . He sat on the street , some of those who passed by him gave him money without him asking them . He waited so long for his mom , but she never came to take him back home . He didn 't know how to get there by himself . The dogs were barking , the cats fighting in the middle of the night , the people passing grew fewer until there were no more people on the street . Only him and some other homeless people . He cried and tried to find a box to sleep in , he was very tired and wanted to sleep . All the lights were switched off , all the other kids his age were home asleep . He covered himself with bags and slept on the side of the road , where else he could go ? He thought about his mom , why didn 't she come back he kept thinking until he fell asleep . The next day , the steps of people passing by woke him , at first he didn 't ' recognize where he was … until he recalled the day before . He felt the fear again , the insecurity of the coming days . He thought about his mom and his family . He missed his brother and sister , where are they now ? Would he ever see them again ? He went to a nearby shop to buy something to eat , thankful for the people who dropped money for him while he lay on the street . He entered the shop and the man screamed " get out you dirty boy " . He ran from fear and tripped and fell . He cried from pain , from fear , from anything that might come near him . A soft hand touched his shoulder , and asked him to stand up . He looked up and saw a very nice lady with a little boy . She said " Come , let me help you up , how old are you ? " He looked at her son , he was about his age , " I 'm 6 years old " he said . She asked , " Are you hungry ? " He started crying , " yes I am " . " I saw the man screaming at you , wait for me here and I 'll bring you something to eat " . She went to the shop and bought some food and candy . " Can I have them all ? " he asked , the lady smiled and said , " sure , it 's all yours . Are you new here ? " " Yes " he replied . The woman told him that she had to leave , but she promised to check back on him every day and bring him something to eat . He felt that God was looking over him , and each day he waited for the woman , but he never forgot about his family , especially his mom . Her face kept coming to his imagination , telling him that he 's a man now . With days the small kid grew , with years he knew his reality . He wonders now about the person he once called mom , who used to be his whole world , the person who held him and protected him , is she the same person who threw him away ? Too many questions , but no one to give him answers or erase his fears . He knows the place where he lives under the bridge isn 't a home , and why the people call him homeless . He can 't go to school , he knows nothing but begging and the people who giWhenever you see a homeless person , give them a helping hand , give them food or clothes , or even a place to live . Some of them were born homeless , growing up in fear , watching people kick them , yell at them , and look at them in a disgusted way . It 's not their fault . We are blessed to have a home to live in . We have our own rooms , our own cars , money to buy whatever we want . Do we sometimes cry and feel life is unfair if our parents disagree and refuse to buy something for us ? So what about those whose life has said NO to them for everything since they were born ? Never pass by the homeless without a thought for their fate , spare a smile and some kindness . You will never know what their life has been , what they are waiting for that will never come … She sits in silence her tears pouring down , her hands shivering and dancing to the rhythm of her heart beat . It 's a glimpse into what surrounds her , a past that turns her world around . Calling out names of people who have faded away , nothing in her ears except the echo shaking her cold body . Nothing in her eyes but tears , she 's a woman in black living moments of fear … What covered her soul with sadness ? What made her wings too weak to fly as high as she had dreamed ? She had been an angel with a pure heart , no wounds caused by lies , not afraid to walk in the sunshine , wise and full of life . Now she 's an aching heart , dancing in the dark with broken wings . When she falls and another wound appears on her body , she 's content with her bleeding skin . But there are other wounds that are hidden inside of her heart . She heads to her closet to pick a colorful dress , maybe it can help her to take a step to happiness , she hope so anyway . If she could change the colour she wears , picking her favorite dress with a broken smile , she thinks she might change her dark mood for a colorful one . But standing in front of her mirror , what she sees is herself wearing black again , how come she wondered looking down , it 's a colorful dress , but a glimpse into the mirror and it 's black again … It 's the reflection of her aching soul in the mirror , that can 't allow her to be happy , won 't allow her to fool herself by covering her body with a colorful dress . She 's not smart enough to fool her soul , it 's not about her body , it 's about what lies within . When skin is wounded it bleeds , but then it heals . Maybe there will be a scar as a reminder of the wound , maybe not . But when her soul is wounded , it is a hurt without bleeding or screaming , and she is lost in a body that doesn 't know what to do . A wounded prisoner in a sad body , that can 't give up , yet can 't escape . That is the blackness in the woman 's soul … She would break her mirror to destroy the truth she 's denying … . The truth that hurts , the truth that would always be there … Leaving her room the pieces of her mirror cover the floor , they seem to her like shards of her aching soul … . Please Lord give me strength she screams silently , asking for the power to feel strong enough , to stand up on her own again . She has faith to ask God for help , to look up in prayer when everything else would turn her down . When none of those passing can give their hands to help her up , only God is willing to do that . She knows that all those who came her way may be good people , but still they turned , to become a pain in her life , turned now into illusion . The love she gave taken for granted , the friends she trusted have left her alone with doubt , and those who passed away have left her with a dead heart and a soul in pain , turning her days into black . So many questions she asks hersShe 's a young woman who was surrounded by big numbers of friends , but started to lose them one by one until she ended up alone . She has memories that she keeps of things she can 't feel or see any more . The breeze touching her face , the flowers and the trees playing in breeze , the giggling of kids and their innocent faces . Recalling them makes her feel a little alive , but all that she hears is a killing silence that she fears . She can feel the happiness of other women with their children and their men when they are pass her by , but yet she can 't dare to wish to have a family and kids too . It 's spring time and the sun is shining outside , she touches her lips making sure she 's smiling , heads to her closet to try to figure out which colorful dress to wear , picking her blue dress , she never looks at her mirror . Standing on her balcony she tries to be strong , a passing neighbor tells her she looks good today , she smiles , forgets herself and goes to see herself in the mirror , all she sees is black . Her soulful eyes fill with tears , ruining her make up , she breaks down on the floor , and breaks another mirror , it 's not her mirrors fault . Darkness is covering her life . There is only her faith left now to light up her way . She searches again and again through her faith to re - find her security and joy . She 's a blind woman fighting every day to find her way back to happiness . In the past she was a happy girl full of life . They all see her as the girl in the ever - changing colourful dresses , she has her own world . In her sight everything has changed , she has forgotten the sensation of being happy , she accepts the bitter fact , she 's a woman in black . " Yes , I 'm his father " . With head bowed down and his words come with a breeze of shivering , showing that he already expected to hear what that man is coming to say . The Officer went ahead with his talking , saying " we found his body beside your wife 's grave after we received a phone call , we are sorry to bring you such sad news sir " . He stood in a killing silence for minutes , wishing it 's a nightmare , he can 't stand on his legs any more , his knees felt so weak . The room seems so dark though it 's only just past noon and the sun 's shining . Spring was carrying a promise of days filled with happiness and so many plans to share with his 19 years old son Dani , but the news he just heard will carry nothing but cloudy days with endless sadness … Heading to the hospital is the longest ride he ever drove . He felt like the road is getting longer , though the distance between his place and the hospital is only 15 minutes . He recalled the times he brought his son to this same hospital two years ago with his wife , who passed away after suffering from cancer . They had only had the one son , Dani , and he was the world to both of them . But now he feels so apart from the world , he 's driving not sure if he 's taking the right road , can 't figure out if the track will lead him to the hospital to see his son for the last time , or to his wife 's grave to tell her how much he needs and misses her presence in that moment … . After he reaches the hospital , his weak steps want to pull him back , he wants any excuse to get back into the car . He is scared about the coming moment , the moment that will reveal to him the cause of the death . Although he 's sure what was behind it , still he never expect that things would end up in this painful way … . " Sorry for your loss " the doctor says as he entered the room , but the father interrupts him , asking " what 's the cause of death ? " " Overdose " the doctor replied … " we found a trace from drug needles in his hands , your son was a drug addicts and it seems he reached to the highest level " . The father collapsed crying , feeling he was accusing himself of killing his son , saying " I never wanted to read the signs . " But now the signs of Dani 's death would be in front of his eyes for the rest of his life , every time he visits his sons grave . " RIP Dani . . " Dani lost his mother when he was aged 17 years , at the age where he needs caring and loving people in hi life . After he suffered seeing his mother fighting with cancer for more than a year , he lost his mom , but in an indirect way he lost his dad too . For his dad was drowning in agony , his wife 's illness affecting his life , and he forgot that he had a son who needed him and feeling the same bitter pain from losing his mother . With days their life changed , Dani used to come back home from school and see his mom in the kitchen preparing his food , waking him up in the morning , taking him to school if he 's late to catch his bus … After she was diagnosed with cancer she never changed her caring treatment towards her son and husband , not until the disease progressed too far and she got really tired … When his mother passed away , for Dani there was no need to be home after school , especially when his father was not there anymore too . Even if his father was there in body , in his mind he was with his wife . For Dani it meant he lost both his mom and his dad … . Dani started to hang out more than he should have been allowed to , at age 18 he had his first beer , then he started to party with guys he met in the bars and in the streets , he got involved more and more with them . He felt much better when there was something distracting him from feeling lonely , and his pain he lived in after his mom 's passed away … He used to obey his parents to be at home before midnight , now spending the night out was a normal thing to him , he didn 't have to sneak back to his bed , he simply returned through the main door of the house . He knew his Dad was asleep , and his mom was no longer alive to keep up waiting and worry for him … Though there was no rules to follow , he missed fighting with his mom about coming late home . He missed her presence , he used to think that she 's going to be waiting for me tonight , but she never was … . With his father careless towards him , Dani was drowning , and after every visit to his mom 's grave he wThe last talk Dani had with his father was actually a fight , a big fight . He left home and never come back again for days . His dad saw by accident the marks on Dani 's hands , the needle track 's . He was worried that his son was using drugs . He wanted to contact a treatment center to send his son to , to help his son to clean his body from this poison … He went to his son 's room , he tried to find something that would tell him that maybe he was wrong , but all the things that belonged to his son were missing … For three days he though and hoped his son was just spending time at a friend 's place and he would come get back home as usual . He was wrong , when he opened the door to an Officer instead of opening it to welcome his son , he knew that Dani would never step into this home again , that he was alone in this place … . Drug abuse - there are so many reason that lead guys , especially teenagers , to fall into this trap . Family problems , violence , divorce that affect the children , lacking for caring and love , etc . . Boys / girls can try to find something to help them forget their problems , the fake happiness that can be waiting for them in any place they go ; school , street , party , trip etc . The noose is ready to surround their life and kill them in any moment they lose faith and hope to save themselves … Some people start their addiction through painkillers , and they get involve without even thinking it might lead them to be drug addictions . Once they accept the first cigarette that contain drugs they are putting the rope around their neck . The more they get involve the more that killing loop tightens on their life , the higher they get the closer they are getting to death , until the moment comes when the loop get so tight they can 't breath , or even scream for help … . Dani 's father stood by his son 's grave after the funeral , knowing how much he had ignored his son after his wife was gone … He thinks of his son and the times they spent together , the laughter they had , but all those memories he recalls were two years ago . He feels as if he has never seen him since he last saw his wife . His son was in front of him all the time but they never shared anything after mother passed away … Now he needs his son . He cries for them both , he feels guilty and collapses on the grass … He asks his son to forgive him for the times he didn 't see him though he was standing in front of him . He apologize for the words he never heard , while he acted as if he did … He knew it 's not Dani 's fault , it was his own . Dani took the overdose beside his mothers grave , that much he missed her to follow her , that much he was desperate … " Please stop " . How many people have shouted these words ? And how many others scream it silently on the inside ? When a person forgets that the one they hurt is a human too , the violence can cross the limits and can so easily end in death . How many families are facing this issue ? I prefer to name it " disease " or " addiction " , when the human mind stops working , stops thinking , then the path is open to violence in their thoughts . When their brain stops working , from holding them back from beating their victim , they forget who is this person they are looking at , if it 's their mother , their child , their sister or even their wife . They become addicted to beating others . It may take away all their anger and the stress for them , but puts it all on the wrong person . It 's a disease indeed , it is spread all over the world , and destroys families and lives . How many women are beaten to death , but no one knows about them ? They might have screamed and begged for mercy , and their children might have seen and witnessed what happened to their mother , but what can a child do ? As much as it affects the mother , it will also affect the kids . Will they be violent with their friends or their own families when they grow up ? Or does the inner injurious they have suffered make them live in fear ? Afraid they cannot protect themselves , will they always consider anyone a danger to their life , because the closest person to them has caused so much damage . Will they always have the fear to die by violence . When I think about those who are violent to others , firstly I believe they don 't know God , because if they do they would fear to hurt his creatures . They are hurting someone of flesh and blood , and the bruises they leave on faces and bodies , the bleeding marks , the fear in the eyes , the insecurity they dig into a soul , and the fearful sleepless nights , they become this wild person who might sneak into the room and hit them if they dared to dream and do not stay awake in fear . Those who cause all this unbearable pain to others don 't know God , or fear him . It is the devil 's work in their soul when their mind stops working , when they stop from thinking wisely and become wild . They have nothing to be grateful for , because if they did they would find peace of mind . We always think , what if we are in their shoes , and we don 't know what they are going through to act like that , but I can 't even imagine being in their shoes . The reason it is so hard to know what they are thinking is simply because they are not thinking . Only imagining a child 's eyes begging someone to stop beating them … It makes me wish if I can do anything to stop this violence that is spread all over the world . Violence has many faces , it 's not only physical , there is also verbal aggression as well , that kind of violence can injure more than physical harm . The words they use to oppress and control is so harsh and ruthless , it could push someone to suicide . Words could harm more than a bullet sometimes . It plays with people 's mind , leaves them thinking they are nothing , or that they did something bad that they never did . Making others feel guilt for something they never did , can cause the problem to spread . Playing on their distress might make them lose their mind , may drive them to act in a very wrong way . If they might act in a wrong way with others , then they who are the victim are changed into the criminal without ever thinking about what they are doing . Many reasons can change people and drive them to be hard to deal with ; they lose control of their life , or circumstances force them to face difficulties that show up out of nowhere . Lately there are economic problems that affect the whole world and leave thousands homeless . Many others are left without work , this issue can create more violence . Some have killed their families because they don 't want them to live in poverty , they have just lost hope , and faith of course too . Because if they had faith they would pray to God help them , but in their situation , the shock they have received , their brain stops working and they took their own life . Others may become more violent and start to steal to feed their families , they don 't want to , but they have no choice , this kind of people are not dangerous like others , they became violent in a sudden way , under specific conditions , but with time they will be addicted to it . Also , the people making dangerous weapons and the countries that make deals with each other to gain money ; but the price they gain is different from the price that the victim will pay . Thousands of children 's souls , thousands of families torn apart , thousands of victims still alive but having lost their hands or legs , those who will pay the price are not those who sell the weapons . This kind of violence is the most dangerous , because the one who is violent is a whole country . This violence never looks in the child 's eyes begging for it to stop , or asking him about his parents who died in the war . To sell weapons and gain money , the more money gained means the more victims will have died without having the chance to know who was behind this . But the one behind this is a person who never knew God , his job is to kill and gain , he 's not concerned about the blood that 's spreading everywhere , his concern is only to win the game . Violence has so many faces , it runs at all levels , high and low . We might find a cure to those who are violent to their families or their friends , but when it comes to those who create wars and kill people without mercy we find ourselves paralyzed . We can 't do anything but pray that God will light their minds and make them realize that we all are human also , like them … Whatever the kind of violence that people are facing , the victim is always a person , not a thing . A person that has feelings , a person from flesh and blood . When you hit someone or beat them , the tears they cry and the words they say to make you stop , and yet you continue beating them without thinking , then the devil 's spirit increases in your soul and mind . Why can you not stop and think about why they scream , why you feel you want to beat them , why you say words to harm them deeply and leave a painful trace that no one can ever erase . Look at their eyes , the tears they are crying , try to feel their pain and hear the words they are trying to say every time they raise their hands to cover their face to protect themselves . There is always words they scream - but you never hear . " Please stop . I 'm a human just like you ! " Have you ever looked deeply in their eyes ? There is a hidden message , have you ever read it ? Through their silence , did you try to hear their unspoken words ? They were screaming for help , have you ever heard them ? When they take away their own life , you judge them as bad people or even unstable ones , but who knows what they have been through to reach that level of depression that pushed them to commit suicide ? Behind closing doors we never know what 's going on in other 's lives . People face a tremendous number of troubles , a few prefer to consult a psychologist , and some think that it 's a personal issue no one should interfere with . In the other hand they drown in the troubles . They keep on increasing until they lose control of themselves ; they pay the price or the people who are close to them pay the price . Sometimes , the problem may be a very simple one , but it depends on the age of the person . When a 10 year old boy / girl faces a situation of bullying in school , at the same time he / she might have family problems and no one is there to listen to them . That for sure would affect their life , especially with the insecurity they are facing in their home . They would be having difficulties in their study , and also lack of self - esteem . They would think that they are not welcome in this life , instead of having good time in school to forget their problems at home , they are being scared to go there watching everyone destroying them . And when they go back home after school , instead of having a loving family who can help them , they are having a hard time with their parents . For them it is as if they are moving from hell to hell . When those children commit suicide , then everyone would wake up , and start searching for the reasons that lead that child to take away his / her life . They start wondering and recalling how they were always calm ; they were polite and never talked in a loud voice . They were obeying , never hurt anyone . At home their parents go to check if there are any obstacles that their child was facing in schooWe don 't expect a 10 year old child or even 15 years old teen to get what 's going on around them . When it 's too much to handle , especially at this age , they need caring people to keep on watching over them and guiding them to the right track , because even if they passed that phase in their life , they might drown later when they get older . They would be involved in other issues , like : drugs , violence , stealing etc . . If they opened their eyes watching their dad violent with their mom , they would do the same when they get married , and they would consider their actions right , because their dad is their idle . We never know what 's going on behind closing doors . Families face battles , and the silence that covers up , we would explore suddenly with hearing shocking news , and our first thought is : " They looked like a very happy family , what happened to them ? " But the truth is , they 've never been a happy family , their home 's doors were closing all the time , and we never know what was going on there . However , some people love to judge others ; it 's in their nature . They never look at the reasons that led to that person to take way his / her life ; they always focus on the result . A little accident happened with me lately . Someone knocked on our door , I opened up and I saw an old man in his early 60 's . He seemed lost , something in his eyes made me wonder at the same moment what 's with that man . He asked me about my dad , I replied that dad is not home . I was about to ask him if he would like to leave a message to dad , he left me talking to myself and turned his back and left . My mom came at that moment and saw me and the expression on my face because of how he left . She asked me : " Who 's that ? And what does he want ? " I was really shocked and said , " What 's going on with that man ? He just left me talking to myself without saying a word of thanks . I was kind of not satisfied about what he did , especially that I was very polite with him . My mother smiled for what happened with me , but in someway , that man stuck on my head . I kept thinking of what was wrong with him , he seemed very lost , his eyes were really teary . I felt something wrong with him and that 's why he was on my mind until a few days ago , I heard that he committed suicide . I was shocked , and recalled the moment I opened the door and saw him standing there lost , as if he 's searching for something . I knew the reason why he left me talking to myself without even saying " Thank you " or if as he 'll come again later . I recognized how much he was not there even when he was there asking about my dad . He wasn 't focusing on what he 's doing or with whom he 's talking . Later on , I knew from others who knew that man that he has tremendous troubles in his family and with his son . I wish I never saw him . I keep wondering why did he give up at this age ? He must have been in a very difficult situation through his life , but why would he give up now ? He 's supposed to be stronger and wiser to deal with his problems . But then again , I 'm not in his shoes to know what was going on with that old man . I keep recalling his teary eyes and wish I could help him . I never knew that people at this age might take away their life too . Behind closing doors , there is a hidden secret ; you can 't break those doors to find the truth . But at least , never judge in a bad way on those who take away their life , or even on those who try to and fail . Ask yourself why didn 't you wipe their tears at least once ? Why didn 't you hear them screaming instead of closing your ears ? Why didn 't you think to solve their problems when they kept silent ? It 's true that their home 's door was closed and you couldn 't do anything to help , but why didn 't you ever take the chance to get close to them when they opened the door and left their home , instead of judging them ? They are humans just like us , enjoying their life , and having their own families . But , they always feel as if they don 't belong to the world they are living in ; they feel like they are strangers from their family and friends . They are the outsiders . Agony is their best friend ; no matter how hard they try to let themselves get out of that circle of misery , they can 't . They are unable to resist the feeling that the whole world is against them , even with their friends , they keep on feeling that they don 't belong to that friendship . They live as strangers in this life , living to figure out what they lack , but they never find the reason behind this feeling . They never find the answers for their questions . Sensitivity is their first problem , and aggression is one of their biggest issues . However , it is not towards people , sometimes just towards themselves . They treat themselves as if their existence is their fault ; the world looks at them as normal people but they victimize themselves . What lies behind their odd sentiments is what they have been through in life . Violence is one of the main reasons that cause them to have a low self esteem . Especially when they experience it with their families ; this is a real tragedy , for a family should save them from violent behavior that they face outdoors . The definition of a home should be a place that reinforces confidence , comfort , tenderness , safety , respect , happiness and so on . So when the fear grows with them inside their home , when they leave their place every morning to face the street life with no self - esteem , they are not able to face the world bravely . Their families are supposed to welcome them with arms wide open to decrease their pain , but instead , that same family turns their back on them . Therefore , the feeling that they don 't belong to the world they live in starts to grow up inside of them . If his / her own family has never accepted them , then they begin to think , " How can strangers or the whole world accept me ? " And so , they started their journey outdoor as outsiders . Their weak personality prevents them from accepting others , and no matter how simple things go , they view it in a negative way . They always doubt their abilities and people who surround them . They are used to expecting to be the ones held responsible ; even if someone is complimenting them , they feel as they are being bullied . And if someone defends them for some reason , they feel as if they are being pitied . In their opinion , they are bothering every person they meet on this earth , though they are not . The outsiders have a fragile heart ; they feel that the whole world is working against them . Their negative thoughts and what they have been through their life , make things worse on them when they go out to experience life . They meet people who will make fun of them , will have managers who will be little them , will face challenges , and will fail to avoid the traps that some competitors set up to make them fall . How are they supposed to move on with their life as outsiders ? They didn 't choose to have this feeling ; no one likes to be a stranger in life , live emotionally away from his / her own family , or have a kind of distance with their close friends . But life sometimes is unfair to some people , especially when their families help the world be against them . They become paranoid , with a hunch that everyone is following them ; they feel that they are wrong even though they are right . They are humans just like us ; they are living between us but far away , they are living inside this world but as outsiders . Fear , this feeling that makes us feel weak , sometimes paralyzes us and won 't allow us to move forward , always backward … . We fear from flying or taking the risks but do we really fear from flying or the reality we are scared from falling down ? Any chance we miss , the hesitation crosses our mind , bad ideas flow towards our imagination , and one question is to ask : " Are we scared of taking those chances or is the real fear about missing them ? Life goes on if we just let all what happens to us go with a smile , the smile won 't heal but it gives us hope to move forward , all the tears we cry endlessly , it hurts our eyes but also purifies our heart and soul . It gives us new look towards certain things or certain people we meet … Everything happens for a reason … The people who come to our path from nowhere , some come for a very short time and leave after they cause a huge heartache ; and those who become a big part of our lives for years , they just let us down for no reason , life changes them ; and those who swear nothing will set us apart , they would be the first to betray the friendship by being the first to push us down . We better let them all go with a smile , never regret knowing them . How many times we ask why ? But do we truly want to know the answers ? ? We worry about knowing the truth because sometimes behind every truth there is a mask that will fall down from a face we used to love … behind every word why ? There is a truth that will be revealed , behind every question we ask why ? The reality of those who we used to miss might show , a smile might fade away with those who promised to come back someday , but never did … Maybe it 's better to keep asking why ? Without knowing the reason , though we keep wondering , but it 's better to let it go with a smile … God sends a lesson with every one of them to make us learn whom we should trust , and to whom we should really give other chances , and the what 's more that God teaches us through them , is the great lesson of " Forgiveness " . Never have hard feelings towards those who caused you heartaches . Forgive them , let them go with a smile from your heart , and have faith that God will send you the right people at the right time … Life is full of surprises , not all of the them are happy ones , sometimes nature surprises us with crisis , but after that we stand up and fix the damages , we move forward , but again nature might surprise us with yet another crisis , a hurricane or another earth quake , millions of people lose their lives in those crisis , but it 's a test for other millions of people to accept what they lost and to start over … The question is : " How much do we have faith in God to thank him and be ready to let it go with a smile ? " Every day is a new chance we take , a new risk we should be ready to make , we should accept if we missed those chances , or failed in the risks we took . In every day , a new person comes our way ; we should expect that those people who we are meeting today came for a reason . Never regret what you face in your daily life , if we are wise enough , we should be ready to accept it all with an open heart … Life goes on , and so do we … The chances we missed , the risks we were afraid to make , the people who came and left without a trace , only scars to remind us to never repeat the same mistakes again … . Life goes on … It would be all good if you just believed in God and let it go with a smile from your heart … Finally , I want to thank every one who believed in my talent and encouraged me all the years . A special thanks to my sister Samia and her husband Hadi for being there for me all the time . Also , special thanks to my precious uncle Dr . Faouzi Abou Reslan for his invaluable support , words fails to express how thankful I am … Also to the person who make the editing to my articles Peter Buckton , Thank you . I 'm blessed to have people like you all in my life … . .

" Look , I don 't think anything was taken , just some damage done , so can I go now ? " I pleaded with Deputy Smithson . He was a young guy for a deputy , at least I thought so . He had dark brown eyes and hair and looked like he spent too much time in the sun for a cop . That 's the impression I would have got if hadn 't known him as " Little Jason " , the youngest Smithson with five older sisters . It was just weird to see him in this authoritative position . " I have to look for my dogs . " He must have noticed my blush the first time I explained it . I was thinking about the second reason Tom and I had for coming here . The first being that I needed my snow boots for slogging around Tom 's newly purchased property , the second reason being … well , a good reason for blushing , anyway . " I was wearing the wrong shoes for showing the outside property in the snow . " I lifted my foot to show him my backless kitten heels . He looked down at them with raised eyebrows as if to question their practicality , but then again , he did have five sisters . " Right , " he said . " Okay , I think I 'm done here . If you notice anything missing or out of place just give me a call . " I noticed Tom standing over by Jack 's truck . Talking to him through the driver 's window . I jogged over to him and said , " I going in to grab the leashes and my other shoes . " " Well , that 's what I 'm going to try first , but Dingy always wants to run away . Thanks for coming by , Jack . Really everything 's ok . It 's probably someone just looking for cash or something . Don 't worry . " I turned and ran back to the house . I made note that Ernesto and Sylvie were still in there and I sat down to change into my boots . While I was tying the laces Sylvie rubbed up against my back and made a little sound between a purr and a meow . She was such a social little being . She probably did the same thing to the person who broke in . Traitor . I felt that little sting of panic in my chest that I had been holding back for the last couple of hours . I pushed it back down . I had to keep it together long enough to find my dogs , then I could curl up in a ball and cry it out . I wondered what they were looking for . My desk had been ransacked and the wastebasket beneath had been dumped and little ripped papers and notes were everywhere . My computer was still in place along with all it 's equipment . The dresser and nightstand in my bedroom had been rummaged through , also . But no prints had been left behind . The only evidence at all was the mess and the shredded door jam . I don 't keep anything in my trash that has any kind of personal information that someone could use for identity theft . I shred everything at the office . Now he was standing by Tom talking to Jack through the truck window . He turned at the yell and started walking up to me . I met him in the street halfway . " No , but I had a bunch of personal information and bank records that I took to work today to shred , but I left them in my desk . Do you think someone is trying to steel my identity ? Can you check out the realty office ? " " Ok , thanks a lot . Well , I 'm off to find my dogs , " and started jogging to the park . I pulled out my cell phone to call Parker at the same time . I used to run to the vets office to visit Parker on occasion . There was no answer . I will just have to run there after the park . That would be a total of four miles . I could do it , but I am going to be sore . I got a little ways down the road when I heard Jack 's truck pull up beside me . " Can 't , " I replied , losing my breath . I 've never been good at running and talking at the same time . " If I … don 't follow … the same path … then I … might … miss ' em , " I panted . I stopped in my tracks to look at him wordlessly . Tom sat in the passenger seat , silent . At least he knew when to keep his mouth shut about my dogs . And I 've only known him for a few days . He continued , " Well , what I mean is that they 'll come back right ? And if they don 't , well , everybody in town has seen you with them . If someone finds them they 'll bring them to you . Don 't ya think ? It 's pretty cold out for running … " " Shut up , Jack , " I said and started running again . My anger was feeding me raw energy now . Jack was right about one thing . It was pretty cold out . Nomad is getting pretty old and Dingy has only three legs and one eye for goodness sake . How would they fair over night with only each other for warmth instead of my soft warm bed . They would think I abandoned them . What if Dingy completely loses his way and runs clear back to New Orleans ? We 've all seen the movie , " Homeward Bound : The Incredible Journey " right ? Nomad is totally Shadow , that old Golden Retriever , and Dingy could so have the voice of Michael J . Fox . If only they had Ernesto or Sylvie with them … Jack pulled ahead of me and stopped . Tom got out and closed the door , Jack pulled away . Tom waited for me to catch up with him . I didn 't stop . If I stopped again there would be no way for me to get my momentum back up . To my surprise Tom easily fell into step beside me . " What are … you doin ' ? " I asked . " I thought you could use another set of eyes , " he said easily . Show off , I thought . But he was being really sweet so I said , " Thanks . " When we got to the park we ran along the usual path , the twists and turns following the small creek that cut through town . It was blacktopped so the city would plow it with a riding mower when the rest of the town was already dug out . We were silent except for our breathing ; mine was a little faster than his . Then again , I probably ran about a half mile more than he did . Not one to be out done by anyone , I probably ran a little faster than usual . I was really going to be sore tomorrow . He had a long stride and seemed to move like fluid , his muscular arms pumping easily with his stride . I felt awkward and lanky next to him . I was so engrossed by his physique that I almost missed the turn to get to our little tree . " Here , " I said , and pointed to our left . Along the split a little ways I saw Nomad sitting in his usual spot by our old tree . He got up and loped over to us with his big dumb lab face and tongue rolled out to the side as if to say , It 's about time you got here ! I couldn 't help but mother him all over . " Hi , baby ! Oh , my goodness , what a good boy ! Look at you , my big man ! " I grabbed his ears and big head and rubbed him down making sure he wasn 't hurt by whoever broke in to my house . Knowing Nomad , he probably didn 't give a damn so the robber let him go . I looked around waiting to see if Dingy was around , but there was no barking or little toenails clicking on the pavement from his insistent hopping . He would have come running if he had been in the vicinity of the sound of my voice . I sat down as I snapped the leash to Nomad 's collar . I was hot and sweaty and needed to catch my breath . Nomad sat next to me , laying his head on my feet . " You know , you didn 't have to come , " I started , " but thanks anyway . " A lump started to form in my throat . I wondered if my chin was quivering ; I could never feel it , but people always told me it did . He must have noticed the change in my voice because he turned around and looked at me . He gave me a worried look , but he said , " I just wanted to be sure you found your dogs . " " Thanks , " I croaked out . Nomad started licking my hand as if to say , Come on , let 's find Dingy . I was starting to get cold and achy now that the sweat had left my clothes a little wet around the neck . This still was not the time to cry so I swallowed the lump and said , " Well , I was going to run to the vets office if I didn 't find them here . It 's about a mile from here . Are you up for it ? " We started back to the main path and turned left toward the vets office . We had to run at a more steady pace now that Nomad was with us . It was a little easier to talk now that we weren 't pushing so hard . I asked him about running and he said he had to learn when he was training to become a fireman . He tried to run in at least two charity runs in Columbus every year . I told him I sort of did the same , only I just run in the Race for the Cure in Columbus . In our town a lot of people run in the fundraiser for the cross country team every Fall and the Fourth of July Race the Lutheran church sponsors . I told him I used to run in high school , but now I just do it to burn energy and stay healthy . He talked about playing football in high school and the going to college to study construction management and then work for his father . He got most of the way through his degree when he decided he didn 't want to do that any more . " Well , you know . Things change . People change . I didn 't want to be put into something just because someone wanted me to . " I could tell he was hiding something , and I knew what that something was . We were on the sidewalk along the narrow street that led to the vets office just on the edge of town . " Oh , " I said . I guess he wasn 't ready to tell me . Well , I would just wait for him to open up . That 's when I saw footprints in the snow beside the sidewalk . They hadto be Dingy 's ! " Look ! " I stopped and pointed at the prints . Nomad sniffed and got an excited wag to his tail . " It has to be Dingy . We 're almost there . It 's that white building on the right . " We picked up our speed , almost a sprint now . By the time we got to the front door I heard Dingy 's frantic barks . I burst in and saw Parker holding a very wiggly , very ugly , Jack Russell terrier . It was Dingy . I burst into tears . Author 's Note : Well , I 've finally caught up with myself . The posts will probably be fewer and farther between as it usually takes two days to write a whole one . I won 't be posting partial chapters . I hope everyone is enjoying it so far . I 'm going into the office today . I have a little headache and bad case of cabin fever . I 'm so sick of winter that one day in my house has driven me to craziness . I 've already shoveled my walk . The snow began to drift again last night so there were icy streaks of snow rippled across everyone 's walks again . The day was already warmer than it was two days ago . Maybe Spring will finally come . I also managed to walk the dogs , do the dishes , sweep my living room , and gather up my papers that needed shredded and the mail . I didn 't need to be in the office until two so I was making the most of my day . I was happy and excited . I was selling a house today . Tiffi had called early and told me that Tom had made an appointment with Mr . Strogal this morning to buy the Logan House outright . Mr . Strogal had suggested that I come to the meeting . It wasn 't necessary for me to be there since the place was technically owned by Mr . Strogal 's business and he would be the one negotiating . This was probably the real reason for my excitement . I was going to see Tom for the third day in a row . While I was cleaning out some things of Parker 's to take over there I thought about my look . I bought in to so many things Parker stood for , including my hair , so I called the salon and made an appointment with Jenna . That 's where I was heading now . I wasn 't sure what I wanted done , but I wanted something to symbolize my change , my growth , my new found independence . I parallel parked right in front of the salon and strode in , determined to say goodbye to my long hair … or something . " Hey , Kat , I 'll be with you in a second , " Jenna called from sweeping under her chair . Jenna was scary - skinny girl who was twenty - two years old , but looked much younger . Her mother didn 't work and he little brother was in high school . Jenna worked two jobs to support her family , and sometimes took the odd cleaning job . Her mother has had bipolar manic depression since Jenna 's father left about ten years ago . Jenna practically raised herself and is now raising her brother . Her mother stays home and watches TV . There weren 't any other customers in there so I picked up a hair style magazine and looked through the pictures . There were so many cuts it was mind - boggling . I liked to be able to pull it back when I jog , but I guess if I didn 't have enough to pull back I wouldn 't need to . I flipped to the color section and saw girls with all sorts of chunky sections of bright colors spiking out at odd angles . One actually looked like she patterned it off of a skunk . " Um , well , definitely some highlights , but nothing too bright , you know ? I 'm not sure what to do about a cut . I want it cut , though . " " Hmm , " she started and then walked over to the counter . She came back with a color swatch book . " Here 's some colors I think would look great on you . " She pointed to a light brown and a medium auburn . " We could alternate small strands in with your natural color then if you don 't want it keep re - doing it , it will blend pretty well when your hair grows out . and as for the cut , if you don 't mind going kinda short you could donate to Locks of Love . You only need ten inches of unbleached hair and I could cut off at least fifteen and still have plenty to work with . " I closed my eyes , debating . My hair could always grow back if I didn 't like it short and Jenna has never given anyone a bad cut that I 've heard of . The colors ? Am I the same prude that went all natural for so long ? I didn 't want to be her . I wasn 't her . The thought of giving my hair away to charity was a plus side . At least if I didn 't like the cut I could say I did my good dead for the year , or however it took to grow it back out again . I took a deep breath . " Yes . Locks of Love . Highlights . Just do it . I want something new and cool and I don 't want to watch . " I nodded again . She pumped up the chair and I felt her gather my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck and I heard something that started the tears rolling . I thought there would be a quick snip and it would be gone , but it wasn 't ; it took several rough , hard cuts to get through the thick bunch of hair . Then it was gone . I opened my eyes and it looked … okay , I guess . Then she turned the chair around from the mirror . " You said you didn 't want to watch , so don 't watch , " she teased . " You can trust me . Would I still be working here if I didn 't do a good job ? " Hours later , Jenna turned my chair to face the mirror . I gasped , as cheesy as it sounds . I had gone from a girl with long , plain Jane , brown hair to a stylish chic . My hair was still dark brown , but it had subtle strands of light brown and auburn mixed in . I turned my head from side to side and Jenna fetched a hand held mirror to show me the back . It was cut in a bob starting at my chin and angling back to my neck where she had put a small amount of gel to spike it out . She had puffed it up a little on the crown of my head and parted it on the side and angled my bangs . She cut it knowing my hair was straight as a pin and I needed it to be easy to manage . " And you can still pull up the sides if you need to for running and stuff , " she said . I didn 't know what to say . " Don 't cry , please don 't cry . " " No , it 's great , " I said , and I wasn 't lying . I really liked it . " Thank you so much , Jenna ! I really needed this . I love it . " I paid and gave Jenna a huge tip , Lord knows she needs it , and walked out to my car . The wind wasn 't blowing today and the sun was already melting the snow . I decided to walk to the realty office . It was across the street and over a block in the opposite direction of where my car was heading , so I just grabbed the papers off the seat that needed shredded in the office . When I got there Tiffi had left a note saying she was off showing houses and Mr . Strogal 's office door was open . Tom was already inside filling out papers . He must have gotten there early , so I stuffed my papers in a desk drawer and went in . The reactions I got were not what I was expecting . I 'm not used to people staring . " Hi , " I said and sat in the only chair available , next to Tom . He didn 't take his eyes off me the whole time and I could see a flash of heat in his eyes . Mr . Strogal grunted and cleared his throat , and Tom looked back at his contract . " Let 's catch you up , Katrina . We 've already agreed on the price and signed an agreement . You 'll get your usual commission . Since he has offered to pay in cash and I have verified the finds are there , all there is to do is make an appointment at the attorney 's for the closing . " You can take him out to do that in a bit . I 'm going to take off for the day , " Mr . Strogal said and got up to put his coat on . " I 've signed everything I 've need to sign , you can do the rest , Katrina . Feeling better I hope ? " He seemed to notice my hair for the first time and frowned a little . Mr . Strogal shook Tom 's hand and left leaving me to look over the forms already piled up . I usually skim over the personal information because I usually know something about the people already . I didn 't know hardly anything about Tom so I took my time . I didn 't get far when I froze . I stopped reading at the second line where it said ' marital status ' . He had checked the box marked ' Widowed ' . I felt an overwhelming sadness for him . I didn 't know what to say . I pretended to read further but nothing was sinking in . I had perceived him as single , as someone who put on the farce of a rebel but was actually quiet and shy ; the old expression ' still waters run deep ' . They were deeper than I thought . Is he still grieving ? How long ago did this happen ? What had happened ? Was it something like a disease , or a car accident ? Was she hurt by someone ? I remembered the burn scars on his ear and neck and wondered if she had been in a fire . How horrible . I started to feel the sting of tears in my eyes and got angry with myself for overreacting . I got up and got a tissue from the corner of the room . I kept myself turned away and dabbed my eyes before the tears spilled over and left streaks through my makeup . I made a show of blowing my nose so as not to reveal the real reason I needed a tissue . I whirled around and planted a smile on my face . " Yeah . I needed something different . " I went back to my chair and quickly picked up the forms and turned the page . Everything on the forms seemed to be in order , including the explanation of the life insurance policy he had on his wife , so I signed the witness lines and got up . He followed me to the front room where I filed the papers in a folder . I decided not to bring it up his marital status and open old wounds . Besides , it must have been a while ago if he was looking at me like that . And he kissed me . And we 're going back to the scene of that kiss today . Actually I was supposed to show him the property ; he 's already seen the house . That 's when I realized I was wearing the wrong shoes . " Oh , dang ! I just remembered I left my snow boots at my house . Do you mind if we … " I had turned around to tell him and he was right there , our faces inches from each other . I swallowed and tried to finish what I was saying . " … stop … by my … house … and … " And he kissed me . I leaned back on the desk as he leaned toward me , his hands on my wrists . He slowly ran his hands up my arms to my shoulders and wrapped them around me . Mine had a mind of their own as they under his arms and pulled him tighter against me . There was an urgency in his kiss that left me breathless . He ran one hand into my hair on the back of my neck , a feeling I wasn 't used to and I shivered . His other went around my waist . He started to kiss down my neck to my collar bone and then reached down and to lift me onto the desk . He settled in between my legs and I felt one of his hands begin to go inside my shirt . Unfortunately , reality sunk in . I nodded and we parted . I rushed around to shut everything off and close the office . We went outside and I locked up . We walked briskly across the street and down a ways to my car . He didn 't ' hold my hand . I wanted him to but he seemed to know that we couldn 't do that without causing a whole lot of gossip . He was very still in the passenger seat in the few minutes it took to get to my house , but he wouldn 't stop looking at me . I pulled up in front of my house and got out with my keys ready . I looked around to see if anyone was around ( I really hate the gossip in this town ) . I didn 't see anyone , but something wasn 't right . Tom was right behind me and grabbed my hand and stopped me . I wouldn 't need my keys . My front door was already wide open and Ernesto was sitting on the first step . Had I left in such a hurry that I didn 't shut it all the way ? I started to rush for the door and call for the dogs , but Tom pulled me back . Tom got into Jack 's pickup , squishing Tiffi closer to Jack . She felt a spark where their legs were touching and she grinned while looking down at the floor . She cleared her throat . She kept looking at Tom who didn 't answer the question . He met her eyes and knew immediately that she knew what really happened . She just kept staring at him , not letting him get away with not answering . " Um - " " You don 't have to answer that Tom . Kat just broke up with her boyfriend two days ago . Tiff 's just trying to set her up with someone already . " Tiffi wanted to defend herself but it was obvious that Tom didn 't want Jack to know . Maybe because Jack was so protective of his friends or maybe he saw Jack kiss her forehead and thought it meant something more . " Well , " she said . " She 's been with Parker for so long and she got so tired of him I thought she would be ready for something … different . " There was an awkward silence . Tom didn 't seem like a real talkative guy . He was selective with his answers when Kat asked him those questions about his career - probably just more of a quiet type . He can 't be a bad guy ; he is a firefighter . Tiffi 's leg felt like it was burning where it touched Jack 's . She was always so aware of Jack . He was always so close . Well , they were friends , right ? She remembered when he and Kat used to date in school . They both had a crush on him their junior year ; the big jock , good looking despite the freckles and red hair . There was something about him that made all the girls want him . Well , he showed an interest in Kat at some point , Kat being more out - going and fun than herself . Kat had long legs and long straight hair and she ran like a gazelle . Tiffi was short , fuzzy haired and tried to hide her curves behind baggy shirts . Not overweight in the least , but big boobs that were a little embarrassing . Back then it wasn 't unusual for her to nab her brother 's sweatshirts when he wasn 't looking . Kat and Jack only dated a few times before they realized that they had to just be friends and call it a night , so to speak . They never slept together and Kat always said there was something missing in his kiss . They only kissed twice . The first kiss was kind of awkward so they tried again . They both busted up laughing and came back that Monday to school the best of friends , next to Tiffi , of course . They became a threesome and the rest was history . These last ten years or so have been building , though . She tried to find excuses to be with him without Kat and longed for him to touch her . It was funny . He was so affectionate with Kat , always putting his arm around her , or like tonight , kissing her forehead in a brotherly way . He was affectionate with Tiffi sometimes , but it was stiff and quickly removed , like she was on fire . His cell phone buzzed in his pocket against her and he reached for it pushing against her hip . " Sorry , " he said . and jerked it out only to see it was from his mama . " Oh , hell . " He sighed and opened it . " Hi , ma . " He pulled the phone away from his ear while Brenda , his mother , rambled loud enough for Tiffi to hear every word . Brenda thought you had to yell to be heard on a cell phone . " … make sure you check on her . Do you remember what happened to your Great - Uncle Bob ? He had that minor concussion that resulted into a coma . " " Yeah , ma , Tiff and I just checked on her and he 's feeling much better . The first twenty - four hours are the most critical , but she 's feeling pretty good . And Uncle Bob didn 't have a minor concussion , he had a minor stroke . There 's nothing to worry about . " He swung left at the stop sign and pulled up to Maggie 's . Tom got out into the swirling wind and jogged to the door . Tiffi started to scoot over to the passenger side and immediately felt the burning spot on her leg get cold . She put her seatbelt on as Jack pulled ahead to make a u - turn in the main square . She sighed inwardly . Was she the only one who felt it ? Was he awkward around her because he knew she was madly in love with him and he didn 't want her that way ? Maybe he was worried of ruining their friendship . No , she wouldn 't give herself false hope . He probably didn 't want to lead her on since he didn 't have the same feelings for her . What was this awkward silence ? He mind raced to think of something to say before they got to her apartment building . More silence . Well , she thought , if he was so comfortable with the whole situation then she would be too . Who cares if he didn 't see her that way . Isn 't it better to be friends than to be away from him ? She tried to look relaxed in her seat and watched Jack from the corner of her eye . He looked very tense . He was rubbing the back of his neck . They both started talking at the same time . " Well , " he started . " I 've been thinking … lately . About , well … I 've been wondering … " He stopped . He pulled into her parking and put the truck in park . He smiled at her and she smiled back and let out a breath . He seemed to relax , too . " Great , I 'll see later , " she said and opened the door and got out . Tom walked into Maggie 's Grill n ' Pub to sounds of country music and people laughing . He 'd only been here once when he first got to town and that had been a lunch crowd . It had been a crowd of various business people on lunch break , a large party of construction workers , and moms meeting for lunch with removable baby car seats and messy toddlers . It was a different crowd now . Not much rougher , seeing as it had to cater to everyone being the only restaurant you could sit down and eat in . The pizza place on down the street didn 't count because was pick - up or delivery only . Maggie 's was also the only bar in town . He sat down at the far side of the bar to people - watch . You could learn a lot about people just by watching them with an indiscernible eye . He caught a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye and thought … crazy things . He closed his eyes and turned to the direction of the flash . When he opened them he let out a breath of relief . She was a young server running around taking orders at the little tables who couldn 't be more than nineteen or twenty with long blonde hair , faded jeans , and skinny t - shirt and tan skin . She was almost too skinny , but swift way she moved indicated a healthy body . He turned back toward his original destination , the bar . Tom thought for a moment then removed his card from his wallet . " Sure . " He knew it wasn 't the best idea , but he had already tried the conventional ways of getting rid of the nightmares and hallucinations . Time to try drowning them . " Thanks , " said Tom and followed his glance to table , too . There sat two men , one looked real young , with a messy mop of blonde hair . The other was a contrast to himself . He was wearing clean business - casual clothes , including a tie and jacket , but his hair was slicked back and oily , and his face was full of pockmarks and scars . Tom thought he saw a portion of a tattoo on his right hand . " It 's a good town ; a close one . Almost everybody knows everybody else 's business . " It was clear Ziggy wasn 't just making small talk . " Yes . I have found that out very quickly , " he replied leaning back . " Have you heard anything I should be concerned about ? " He was trying to judge if Ziggy was another of Kat 's family members . He didn 't show any resemblance to the family , but looks were deceiving . He waited to see if he had a sawed off shotgun under the counter like Mr . McNicol . Ziggy just chuckled . " Working in a bar you hear some really interesting things . Probably a little exaggerated given the alcohol , but usually true . A little thing can spread like wildfire , so just watch yourself . This town lives for gossip . " The bartender moved to another customer and left Tom , returning only to ask if he wanted a refill . He noticed a family getting up to leave and thought he should make it back to the firehouse before it got too frigid outside . The skinny blonde server walked up to the bar near Tom and whispered to Ziggy , " I swear , if those two over there don 't leave I 'm gonna have a permanent hand print on my ass ! They asked for more beer . I think you should cut them off before I cut that creepy one 's hand off ! " " We close in a half hour , Jenna , can you survive until then ? Tell them it 's last call . " He looked at Tom and said , can I get you a last drink ? " He made his way through the tables to the door and over heard the two men who were also making their way out . " … don 't see why I can 't go now . It would save so much time , " the young guy said . " Because the snow 's drifting . It 's not safe , " the ' creepy one ' said , as Jenna had called him . He didn 't looked too concerned about the kid 's safety , though . What wasn 't safe ? The roads weren 't too bad . The sun had a chance to dry up what had melted earlier so the roads weren 't icy . Although that had struck him as odd , Tom didn 't concentrate too much on the two men . He had to concentrate on his feet instead and it seemed like multitasking was a bad idea . He walked the direction of the firehouse and the two men went the other way . A few minutes later he noticed them drive by in a light blue sedan and then turn to go out of town toward the truck stop . The air outside was frigid and the wind was biting his ears . He wished he had thought to wear his stocking hat instead of his WFD one . He rubbed his hands together and jammed them into his jacket pockets . He tried to think warm thoughts as he picked his way among the drifts that were blowing across the sidewalks again . He tried to imagine he was walking through a burning , building , the baking , the waves of heat that seem to block your path , smoke billowing through windows . It didn 't help . It was such a contrast to what he was actually feeling it made it worse . His thoughts drifted to his evening at Kat 's house . It was warm there . He was tempted to turn onto her street and get warm , but he knew the alcohol was lubricating his brain . They had agreed to be friends . That was a good start . He hadn 't had feelings like this for a long time . In fact , he hadn 't had feeling like this for nearly two years , not since that last night before … I was bounced awake by Nomad shifting position every ten seconds ; he probably had to go outside . I grudgingly rolled off the bed putting my feet down on the drafty wood floor and walked on my tip - toes to reduce the feel of the cold to the carpet of the stairs . Nomad and Dingy barreled down and were in the kitchen in a flash spinning of circles , their toenails sounding like hail on a tin roof . It was dark out so they were probably starving . I glanced at the clock and it was a little past seven at night . No wonder they 're hungry . Now that I think about it , I 'm pretty hungry . I hadn 't eaten since breakfast this morning . I really didn 't feel like cooking , though . Pizza sounds good . Then my door bell rings . I start walking towards the door , again , when whoever is out there starts pounding on the wood . I was there in a second and swung it open to see Tiffi there looking frazzled . " Oh , thank goodness , " she said breathless and flung her arms around me . I caught a brief glimpse of two sets of broad shoulder behind her . " I was so worried . I 'm so sorry . I thought your mom or your sister would come over or something , but when I talked to them and nobody had heard from you I panicked , " then she whispered , " Sorry . " I strained out of her arms and looked to see who the shoulders belonged to . It was Jack and Tom . I inwardly groaned . Tom was looking yummy in his leather jacket and WFD hat . He hadn 't shaved but he smelled like that spicy soap from yesterday . His eye looked pretty bad underneath . I winced inwardly . I backed up and held the door open for everyone . At the same time Dingy rushed in , barking at the newcomers , followed closely by Nomad . Dingy bypassed Jack and Tiffi and went straight to Tom to circle him once and head back to the kitchen . My couch and matching loveseat were an antique set from the seventies with upholstery that looked like weaved yarn in various shades of brown . My house was pretty drafty despite the new insulation I installed last year so I kept plenty of throws folded over the backs of everything . I grabbed a warm chenille and wrapped myself in it before flopping in the lazy - boy , carefully tucking in my feet . Tiffi did the same with a weaved throw of embroidered Labradors and flopped on the loveseat stretching out her feet . That left the men to sit at opposite ends of the couch , Jack closer to Tiff and Tom on my side . They didn 't wrap up in blankets , but Jack did stretch out his feet in front of him . He knew he could make himself at home here and did on occasion when he didn 't feel like staying at his mom 's or got too drunk at the bar . He always stayed on the couch . " Help yourselves , guys , " I replied . I grabbed the remote and flipped between all the channels . There was nothing on so I left it on Comedy Central . " So how does the rest of the town look ? " I heard Jack mumble something about girly beer in the kitchen . I only bought the light beer with lime . He came back in with three beers and a water bottle . " Actually , Tom here had half of Main Street shoveled before the rest of us caught on and went out too , " he handed water to me and the beers to Tom and Tiff . " Can 't have the new guy making us look bad . " He nudged Tom 's shoulder before sitting down . " Hey , can I have the remote ? " Jack made a grab for it . I let him have it staying out of the fight that followed . Tom leaned toward me , " Do they always act like this ? " He nodded and relaxed back taking a swig of beer . Nomad loped in and sat next to my chair , putting his head on my leg and wagging his tail . This chair was the only piece of furniture he was allowed on so I was in his spot . He knew not to climb up on me though . I was the pack leader . " Go lie down , baby , " I said and patted him on the head . Tom seemed impressed when Nomad loped over to the corner where he had a bulky pillow all to himself . Dingy was anxious as ever and paced around the furniture . The cats were nowhere to be found , but it was just a matter of time . Jack somehow won the fight and had the TV turned to March Madness . Tiffi looked angry , but I knew it was a put - on . She had filled out a bracket like the rest of us and was curious as to who was winning . " So , Tom , where are you from ? " I asked . I know it sounds lame , but where else am I going to start ? " Ugh , " I replied . That just figures . I just couldn 't find a guy with the same likes as me . At least none I was attracted to . Parker wasn 't any kind of sports fan . " No way . Romo is in his prime . It 's not happening this year , " he smiled smugly . He was sitting on the edge of the cushion with his elbows resting on his knees . Jack piped up , " Don 't get her started , man . She was devastated when Farve thought about retiring . I 've been trying to bring her home to the Browns for years , but she won 't let it go . " I got up before anyone else could offer . I grabbed my purse and nearly sprinted to the front door . I really was feeling better . The delivery kid reminded me of the squeaky - voiced teenager from The Simpson 's who is always at the fast food place or the movie theater . I gave him a nice tip for coming in the bad weather . I placed the pizzas on the coffee table in the living room and passed out napkins . Jack got his signature anchovies with bacon and peppers ( ugh ! ) on half , Tiffi got the other half ham , pineapple , and almonds , and the other pizza was just plain pepperoni lovers . That was me . I watched Tom to see which kind of pizza he would eat and he grabbed some of Tiffi 's half and some pepperoni . So he wasn 't averse to trying bizarre things , but still stays away from the scary . That 's good . And why am I over analyzing his pizza likes ? I had no doubt that Jack could finish his half on his own . I don 't know what it is with him and disgusting fish combinations . My stomach turned just watching him chew it . I turned my focus back on Tom . I got the hint that he didn 't want to elaborate on what happened so I said , " Do you like it at the WFD ? Jack 's not giving you a hard time is he ? I could fix that for you , you know . I know his mama real well . " Jack threw a pillow at me . I threw it back at him . He looked relieved , chuckled and said , " No , that 's alright . Nothing out of the ordinary . " Sophie walked over to him and rubbed back and forth on his legs then proceeded to rub on Jack 's , then meowed because nobody gave her any attention . I walked over to the dogs ' bowls and gave them the uneaten crusts and pick up my sexy kitty . I scratched her ears and thought about what Tom had said . Or hadn 't said . Surely that wasn 't such and unusual question . People ask me from time to time why I got into realty . It 's always the same answer : I like it and I wanted to make money . But he looked so … vacant when he mentioned his hometown . He moved here from Columbus , but he 's from Akron . Something happened in Akron to make him want to become a fire fighter , but why didn 't he want to serve in his own town ? Tiffi came in with some wadded up napkins and empty bottles . " I 've been lying down all day . I needed to do something . Besides it 's done enough for tonight . " Actually I was tired again and when I thought about it I had to hide a yawn . " We 're gonna get going . It 's late and you need to go back to sleep . " " Don 't be . I 'm fine . I 'll be back to work tomorrow . " I shrugged my shoulder . I knew he hadn 't meant the fall . He meant the kiss . " Stop right there . Don 't ever apologize for kissing someone unless they slap you , alright ? Besides , I 'm fine . " He was looking down at his feet and his hands were in his jacket pockets . I wanted him to look back at me . I think he 's actually kind of shy . Cute . " You met Grandpa Mickey ? And you 're still alive ? Impressive . You know he keeps a loaded sawed off shotgun under the counter ? You 're one of the lucky ones . " He laughed at that . His eyes crinkled a little and he finally looked back up . I wanted him to kiss me again right there . I think he wanted to kiss me , too but just then I heard an impatient honk from Jack 's pickup . The wind was picking up and I noticed the freshly shoveled snow start to drift . He stepped outside and waved back at Jack . He turned back to me and placed his hands on either side or the doorway and said , " Well , anyway , um , I hope we can be friends . " But he had such and unfriendly look in his eye , if you know what I mean . He wanted to kiss me again . I wanted to kiss him again , badly . I took a step toward him and leaned on the door jam . and said , " Hmm . I 'll think about it if your football loyalties come back from the dark side . " I had him smiling again . Oh , baby . I could stare at that smile all night . I felt a shiver , but I wasn 't sure if it was from him or the open door . " Yes , mom , I 'm perfectly fine . I told you - my client took me to the clinic and it 's just a mild concussion . No worse than what the football players get at the games and they all still play football . I think I 'll be fine to shovel my walk . Don 't send Dad . " " Well , what about Parker ? I 'm sure he would shovel your walk for you , " she replied . Obviously she hadn 't paid any attention to my football player explanation . " No , mom , and please , please , don 't call him again . " I paused , not really sure how to tell her that I dumped him . She would take it harder than he did . I settled for the Friends version , " Parker and I are on a break . " She gasped . " Oh , honey , are you okay ? Why ? What happened ? " I could hear her voice dripping in sympathy but it made me wonder if she was intentionally laying it on thick . Was I the last person to realize Parker and I weren 't meant for each other ? " Well , I was never sure about the whole vegetarian thing ; so unnatural . That 's too bad , " she continued . The she lowered her voice the way she does when she has a juicy piece of gossip , " You know , my sister called me this morning from the hardware store and said that your client was in and bought a shovel to help dig out the town . Apparently he started his shoveling at the realty office . What 's he like ? " And , here we go . No way was I going to tell her about our encounter on the floor of the Logan house - it would be all over town faster than you could blink . " Um , he 's a fireman and he just moved here from Columbus and he really liked the Logan house . In fact he 's probably shoveling out the office so he can put in an official offer . " " No way , mom . I 'm fine . Really . Don 't send Dad and for goodness sake do not call my client or Parker to shovel me out . If I really want help I 'll call Jack , he 's just around the corner . No need to send Dad out in four feet of snow when you 're ten miles out of town . " " I know , but seriously , don 't worry . I 'm not going anywhere today so it 's not a big deal if my front walk isn 't shoveled . Okay ? " I remembered hearing about them . The Bloomwood Estates was the only town trailer park . Billy and Bethany were three years ahead of me in high school . He got her preggo their junior year , got married immediately , moved in with her mama and had two more babies by the time I graduated . They 're doing pretty alright for themselves now , though . They have their own trailer next door to her mama and three more kids . They seem very happy . We hung up and I flopped down on the bed , exhausted . The headache , then Parker , then my mother : at least I got mom out of the way . Hopefully Parker won 't come knocking again . Maybe Tom will … No ! I cannot allow that thought to finish . It 's time for a nap and to clear my head . It was only ten thirty , but it felt like evening . I walked to the bathroom from my bedroom , downed three aspirin with some water from the tap and headed back to my room . That 's when the doorbell rang . I ran to the front door ready to strangle whoever it was so I could have a few hours of peace . It was probably Jack or Tiffi , hopefully not Parker . I paused a second in front of the mirror on the wall perpendicular to the front door , just in case it was … never mind . I opened the door to a young guy in his early twenties . He was only a couple of inches taller than me and pretty stocky , and he wore a thin coat and no hat , but he had enough bushy blonde hair on his head to make up for it . He also had a shovel in his hand . " Okay , then . Let me get my purse . " I left the door ajar and went to get my purse . I rummaged through my wallet to find enough money to give him when I noticed the bank envelope . The gas mistake seemed like a one time thing and I already got my money back . No need to give myself another headache when I 've already balanced the past months anyway . I tossed the envelope into the pile of papers I need to take to the office to shred and turned around to go back to the front door and smacked straight into the man . " Sorry , sorry . It 's pretty cold outside . I hope you don 't mind I stepped in a minute to get warm , " he said looking sheepish . He back away and stepped out the open front door . " No , thank you . You 're saving my mom a big headache thinking I 'm snowed in . " Then I added , " Keep warm , " before I shut the door , locking it . He stood there with his long brown hair sticking out from under his stocking hat and his sad puppy brown eyes looked concerned . I used to just melt when he would give me that look , but now I was just annoyed . I wanted to yell at him to grow up or get over it or something . I heard Tiffi discreetly go to the kitchen . " What are you doing here ? " I asked . He licked his chapped lips and I could see his breath . I knew I should let him in to get warm . He had to have walked here ; he didn 't have a car . We stood there a moment longer . I was starting to get angry . He didn 't try to stop me when I broke up with him two days ago , but here he was all concerned . What gave him the right ? " Park … " I was going to tell him to get lost , but my conscience got the better of me . It had to be below freezing out there . " Okay , I 'll get some coffee . " " You obviously have things to talk about , " she whispered back . She wrapped her self - knitted scarf around her neck and donned her coat . " Just be strong and don 't fall for his charm . Unless you want to - … " " I just want different things than you do . I don 't want to be in a life partnership . I want to be married and I want to go to church with my husband . I thought for the longest time that we could co - exist with different beliefs , but I can 't pretend anymore . I was completely fooling myself and it wasn 't fair to either of us . I 'm not a vegan , like you either . I 'm not a vegetarian and I hate soy milk ! " He smiled at that , " I already knew that . Every Sunday your breath reeked of bacon under the smell of mouth wash . " He looked a little more confident as he walked toward me . " I thought we were good together . You forgave me for not going to church and I forgave for eating meat . We both have a passion for animals and - , " " Parks , stop . " His hands were gripping my arms tightly and his voice was shaky . " Why didn 't you try to stop me two days ago when I wanted to talk about this ? " " Starting a phase ? What am I , twelve ? I 'm twenty eight years old . I 'm pretty sure I 'm done with phases ! I know for sure I 'm done with this one . " Ok , maybe that was a little harsh . " I thought you already did . You didn 't even try to stop me . Think about it . If you really wanted to stay with me you wouldn 't have let me leave . " He looked broken . " I 'll never stop loving you , " he repeated . Then he looked angry and started pacing . " What was I supposed to say ? You just blurted it out and left before I had a chance to stop you . We have made this work for so long . We belong to each other . " Parker had never reacted with such anger about anything before . I 've never knew him to hurt anything or slam doors . He was a passivist . Feeling guilty about letting him have it I went upstairs to cry . I will have to call my mother and ask her not to call Parker about anything to do with me anymore . Her lips were so soft . Her little body felt so right , so delicate under mine … I closed my eyes and traced little kisses down her neck and up again , making my way to those hazel eyes . Feeling her suddenly go rigid I opened my eyes to see hazel turn to blue , with the lids frozen open the skin started to char , turning black and dry . Her mouth was open , lips pulled back in an unnatural grimace . Tom sat up with a gasp . Blinking and looking around the room he was thankful he was alone . He often called out during this one . It always came when he was thinking of someone else . It had been longer this time since the last one ; four months at least , but those eyes still haunted him . Would he ever be rid of them ? But the voice at the end had been new . Just let go … He tried to think of something else . Despite the chill in the room he decided he needed a cold shower . He got up and looked out the window and saw a winter wonderland . From the second floor bunk room he could see the sun coming up over the farmers ' fields in the distance . The drifts looked to be about four feet and only Main Street had been plowed . He could hear some guys in the kitchen having breakfast and the distinctive sound of snow shovels on concrete . Yes , shoveling snow is a great idea . He made his way to the shower and caught his reflection in the mirror . His left eye was puffy and the cheekbone under it was a distinct black and purple . Great . That 'll get the guys started again . They made a big deal about his black eye last night when he got back , after they heard what happened . Someone saw Kat 's Passport at the clinic and called Jack . Then Jack called Tiffi . He got a simple explanation from her but wasn 't satisfied with that . He 'd demanded to know everything from Tom . It made an unpleasant confrontation at the firehouse . He managed to tell Jack everything except about the kiss . He stared at the scar that ran from his right ear down his shoulder blade and partially down his upper arm . The scar was tight and wrinkled , shiny like burn scars always were . Turning away he thought just another reminder , like the nightmares weren 't enough . He quickly showered , dressed , and snuck out the back door to head downtown . As Tom picked his way around the drifts the only thing he could think about was how stupid he was to kiss her when she had just passed out and come to . He was a certified paramedic . He should have recognized all the signs for a potential head injury , but when they were laying there on that dusty floor all he could think about was the need to kiss her . She had a great body . She must be a runner . But there was something about those hazel eyes . When he first ran into her at the bank he though her eyes were a muddy green , but then when he saw her again they were a golden brown . They were so … bottomless . He could see right through them . They revealed the exact moment she realized he was the same person from the bank and her stumbling embarrassment that followed . Cute . He needed to bury himself in work . The only problem was he was on a mandatory ninety - six hours off . He worked twenty - four on and twenty - four off for four days and now had four days off . He looked at his watch . Only seventy - two hours to go . Being alone and sedentary got him thinking . Thinking was not always a good thing when you 're trying to forget something . Work was better . As he walked closer to Main Street , across Kat 's street and through four foot drifts he figured he could volunteer to dig some people out . That should get his mind off Kat 's warm body . This is the first time in two years he 's felt this strongly about anyone . And he had just met her . She must think I 'm the most presumptuous prick . It was the first time he let his guard down a while . All those walls he built for protection crumbled down when he saw that railing break . It was like seeing the house burst into flames all over again . Tom shook the image away and passed another man walking in the opposite direction , almost colliding with him . " Excuse me , " Tom said as they passed . As he approached Main Street Tom decided to buy a shovel from McNicol 's Hardware , mostly because it was the only business up and running . He walked in and immediately found the shovels right beside the entrance . He strode to the counter where he wondered if the old man was Mr . McNicol himself . He had no name tag . " I am so sorry , sir , " she turned to the old man . " Calm down , Daddy . You don 't have to know everyone who buys a shovel . Look , he 's got on a WFD hat . I bet he 's the new hire over at the firehouse . " She turned back to Tom and winked . " Aren 't you adorable ? The ladies will be fighting for scraps before too long . How long have you been to town ? Where are you stayin ' ? " " News travels fast here . It only takes one person to call a couple people and it just multiplies from there . Everyone in here has been buzzing about it . Kat 's mother is my sister . " She turned to the old man again and raised her voice , " Daddy , this is the boy that brought Kat back to town when she fell last night . " He could see the resemblances between Kat and her aunt and grandfather ; same long face and wide hazel eyes . He let out a puff of air , feeling sheepish . If they only knew what really happened . Great , now he 'd have to get used to the small town quirks and busy - bodies . " Don 't worry , honey . There 's new gossip everyday . Everyone will forget about it tomorrow . " " Good to know . Thank you , mam . Mary . " He turned and walked out . Tom walked out from under the store 's canopy and surveyed Main Street . There were already people at the bank digging out and there was a bobcat plowing the gas station . There wasn 't anyone at the realty office . He knew Tiffi was taking care of Kat and they wouldn 't be able to shovel today . From what he heard about the business , the old owner shouldn 't even be walking to and from his car , let alone shoveling . He 'd start there . The sooner he got it up and running the sooner he would be out of the firehouse .

blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . May the force be with you ! Happy Halloween everyone ! We had a great day for trick - or - treating . It was a little chilly , but that is way better than what we could have had , and have had in the past ! Gage and Emma are shot ( and so is Mom ! ) . Emma 's day started with getting to wear her costume to school for a Halloween parade . She was quite excited about that . I couldn 't believe all of the candy she got at school ! She certainly did NOT need to go trick - or - treating tonight . We have enough candy to keep the dentist 's bills paid for the next year that 's for sure ! I stayed at school to help get all of the pizza , punch and treats served . I thank God for teachers ! They don 't get paid enough to do what they do ! Gage 's school has a " No Costume Policy " so he just got to dress in orange and black . They had a good time anyway . After school we went trick - or - treating at the Ducks Unlimited office . I think the staff there would be disappointed if we didn 't come to show off our costumes . Most of them had candy to hand out . After that we went to the Heritage Center to attend their Halloween celebration with Emily , Jody and the kids . From there we went home to eat supper , then out to trick - or - treat in the neighborhood . Gage and Emma are very lucky kids ! I told them that they should be very thankful because it 's not just everyone who can go trick - or - treating and have their bags filled with Beanie Babies ( thanks Juanita and Kim . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the kids are currently snuggled up with their new animals as I type ) , or coloring books , etc . etc ! ! Finally we made it home a little after 7 : 30 and as soon as we walked in the door they both dumped their loot out onto the living room floor . Emma was " organizing " hers . Gage was just checking it all out . They had just as much fun giving candy to the couple trick - or - treaters that came to our door after we got home . Maybe we 'll try that next year ? NOT ! I enjoy Halloween more than the kids I think ? Maybe I 'll find a costume for myself next year ? Or , maybe I can borrow one of my Mom 's as she had quite a Posted by The offer for the free dog still stands , and personally I don 't really care if it 's a good home or not ! ! ! It really bothers me that I have these negative feelings towards her . I have never disliked an animal in my life . I try and try to find things I like about Brie , it 's just very difficult . Last night Scott left to go to Tuttle overnight and come back this evening . Well , in the meantime , Brie had an encounter with a skunk . YES , a skunk . UGH UGH UGH ! She stinks so bad . As soon as she and Scott came in the house I smelled it . I made him put her outside . He left to take her to DU and wash her in their garage . ( She had already been soaped down 4 times before she came home , so I really don 't think it 's going to help ) . She is going to have to sleep outside tonight , and I am going to stand FIRM on that one ! ! ! I 'll keep you posted . Every Monday Gage brings home a newsletter from school telling about what they did the previous week . " A peak at last week " ( Yes , I know peak is spelled wrong . . . . . . . . . . . it 's spelled wrong on the newsletter . I was going to point it out to his teacher after he brought the first one home , but I didn 't want her to think I was a pain in the butt mom who thinks they know it all , and now I think too much time has gone by ? ? ) Anyway , as I was reading the newsletter , I got to Health . Here 's what it says " In health , we completed a couple of lessons on how our bodies change as we grow . We talked about how we are special and nobody is the same as we are ! In addition , we learned about our 5 senses ( sight , touch , taste , hear , smell ) . However , one child reminded me that there is actually another sense . . . . . . . . . . and when I asked what it was , he replied , " Common Sense " ! Leave it to a first grader ! " Leave it to MY first grader ! : - ) When I read that I asked him who that was and he got a big grin on his face . He said to me , I should have also told her " sense of humor " ! He certainly has one of those ! ! ! ! I thought that was pretty good and I wanted to share it with all of you ! ( I wish Brie had some common sense ! MaybPosted by To make things a little more fun for work , MedQuist was holding a contest for this past weekend . The goal was to increase motivation and also get the increase in backlog of reports completed before the weekend . This is the busy season for illnesses . Anyway , there were several different ways to earn points , and whoever had the most points at the end wins . We were to answer trivia questions at 2 points for each correct answer , answering the mystery call ( someone from MedQuist was going to be calling everyone 's home ) , and if you were working during the call you got 4 extra points . If you were working outside of your shift you got 3 points . For those working on Thursday they would get 5 points for every 3 hours worked . For those working on Friday , for every 3 hours worked they would get 5 points . For those working after 5pm Friday , they received 7 points and for those working from 10p - midnight Friday night would get 10 points . Okay , some of you may not know this , but I am quite competitive . I was all over the contest and having fun with it . I kept tract of my points and was anxiously awaiting the final results today after I found out later this weekend the prize was a $ 100 American Express gift card ! ! ! ! ! When the email arrived it said " And the winner is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . STACEY STEPHENS ( Okay , I forgive her for spelling my name wrong ! ) I yelled upstairs to tell Scott as he had just gotten home for lunch . ( He wasn 't too thrilled that I was doing all this extra work , as I was up well past midnight Friday night working ) . Anyway , while we were reading the email , she had listed the points that I received . I noticed on the email that she had given me 9 extra points that I didn 't actually earn ( I wasn 't working when the mystery caller called , as I had just clocked out to eat lunch ) , and I only worked 3 1 / 2 hours on Thursday and she had listed that I worked 8 . She also mentioned the contest was very close . Well , then I started feeling bad . I thought that it wasn 't fair if I really didn 't win , and it was only by mistake . Scott tolPosted by This is a 3 - year - old , pure bred , female , Black lab already spayed and up to date on her vaccinations , including rabies . She is a well - trained hunting dog . Her name is Brie ( like the cheese ) . She is trained to ring a bell when she needs to go outside to potty . She hasn 't had any accidents in quite awhile ( she is being medicated for that ) . Brie is great with kids . She is also great with cats . She is a duck retrieving machine . She would be a great watch dog for any home . She lays at the top of our stairway , where she has a clear view of the front yard , and she will forewarn you of any window peepers or if you just have a visitor at the door . She will also let you know if your neighbors across the street have any kind of activity going on at their house . She does NOT shed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . during the subzero North Dakota winters . She is free to a good home . Just give me a call . I will deliver . There is no distance too far . Seriously , if anyone wants a dog , she 's yours . Brie apparently doesn 't like living here , as she once again attempted to run away from home . I believe this is her 4th attempt at escape . On her 2nd attempt , I had a phone call from the nearby mall . It was an insurance company who was wanting to know if I had lost a dog named Branta . Well , no , I didn 't lose a dog named Branta , because we had just put her to sleep a week or two prior . It was Brie . She was wearing Branta 's collar . Branta 's name and phone number were embroidered on the collar , so they gave me a call . This was earlier this spring , when we had one vehicle . Scott had my vehicle at work , which left me on foot . It was mid morning , around 9am . It was raining out . I was still in my pajamas and the kids were still in theirs watching cartoons . I panicked . I told the lady I would be right there . I quickly put my shoes on and a light windbreaker jacket over my pajamas . I told the kids to " stay put , do not answer the phone , do not answer the door , I will be back in a few minutes " . I took off out the door . It was raining cats and dogs . I took off runninPosted by I never really knew how important sleep was until Emma was born . She was a terrible sleeper and cried alot . I was put onto this book called " Healthy Sleep Habits , Happy Child " . I swear by that book . It is the only thing that saved me ( and Emma ) after she was born . I remember after reading it , and doing what it said , things started to change . Everyone was happier . At Emma 's well - check , Dr . Kozel had asked about how well she was sleeping . I told her about the book , and we were putting her to bed at 6 : 30 pm and told her about what the book had us doing . She was amazed . She had never heard of it before . EVERY time we go to see her for well - checks or whatever , she says she tells ALL of her patients ' parents about what we did and how that book helped . Sleep continues to be a very important factor . I notice it mostly with Gage . He certainly is affected when he doesn 't get enough sleep . My goal each night is to have them in bed by 7 pm . When I tell people that , they think I am nuts . Our days go much easier and smoother , if we reach that nightly goal . Last night at 6 : 30 pm , I was itching for Scott to get home from his trip so I could get the kids in bed . He has been gone alot , and I knew he wanted to see them , and they were excited to see him . That was a BIG mistake . I know better . Today when we got home from school , Gage brought another sheet of homework home . ( This was the 3rd one this week ) I dread homework . Gage 's buddy Ben talked about how he " hated homework " . Well , that comment right there , if I could delete it from Gage 's memory , I would do it in a second . Gage LOVES school . Gage HATES homework . I know it 's because of this comment he heard Ben make . Anyway , after school I decided we had better get started on the homework . I hate putting it off , but this is the 3rd sheet , and I had already put the first 2 off , because none are due until Oct 29 and later . These are math sheets which involve playing games . They are very easy , and fun , but due to not having enough sleep last night , and his preconceived idea about homewPosted by 1 . My cookies are baked , thank goodness . Just that task alone has made me feel better about the many things I have left to do . 2 . This morning I had a call from a wonderful lady who offered to come by and pick up my cookies to take them to the church for me . THANKS JUANITA ! ! I am so grateful . That little task helps me out in a BIG way ! 3 . Emma and I went to an appointment of mine this morning . I had to go in and have a check up at the orthodontist 's office . Today was going to be the day they start moving my teeth back into their correct positions . Well , that is delayed a little bit because I apparently lost 3 - mm of width after they took out the rapid palate expander . So , for the next 4 weeks , I have to wear these little tiny rubber bands that are connected to a " button " that they stuck to 2 molars on my top , that stretch down to connect to a hook on the bottom , 1 on each side . They said I could take them off to eat and to brush . What a pain ! Physically and literally ! This will certainly help me to lose another 5 lbs over the next 4 weeks ! Not only are my teeth extremely sore , it was totally a pain in the rear getting those tiny little rubberbands back in place ! There have been many times already that I have picked something up to put in my mouth , only to put it back because I don 't want to have to replace those stupid little things any more than I have to ! They also prevent me from having big , satisfying yawns . Scott and the kids are going to love them , as I 'm sure they will affect yelling as well . Dr . Warford told me today that if I wanted to , I could have a tooth permanently placed in the huge gap between my top 2 front teeth . I 'm sure I gave him a puzzled look as I thought about it for a second . I said , " Well , I am not going to spend all of this money to end up with 3 front teeth ! " He said , " It was just an option ! " I may think differently after the next surgery , which he said will happen probably late next spring . But , right now , I think I 'd prefer to have 2 front teeth on the top instead of 3 . Thanks anyway ! ! Posted by I have tons of things on my to - do list . I was assigned " person in charge " of Emma 's Halloween party at school . This means I need to assign the other Mom 's on my list something to bring . Which means I need to take time to actually think about this . I have had 3 of the mom 's asking me what I want them to bring . I keep telling them I 'll get it figured out and let them know . Well , I decided I better sit myself down and figure it out tonight , so I can give them their " assignments " tomorrow at school . I hate doing that . I would rather do it all myself than to inconvenience anyone else . But , doing it all myself causes me to go crazy , because I don 't have enough time in the day . I have the list made out , and I 'm thinking that if they don 't like their assignments , then maybe they 'll complain to the teacher and I won 't be asked to be the " person in charge " again . HA ! Next , I signed up at church to bake 2 - dozen cookies to take to The Banquet on Thursday night . I really wanted to sign up to serve the meal , but I knew Scott was going to be out of town , and I would have to find someone to watch the kids . I decided another way to help was to sign up on the list to bring cookies . They needed several volunteers for this . Next , I have 2000 lines of transcription to type in the next 6 days . I guess that doesn 't sound like a lot , but when you add it to taking the kids to school , picking them up , taking Gage to hockey , Emma to dance , delivering frozen food ( fundraiser that we had to do for Gage 's school in Sept ) , etc , etc , etc , it makes for a busy week ! I 'm tired just thinking about it . I should go to bed ! The long weekend went well . Busy , as always . Not too much has gone on today . I have worked about 8 hours and my butt can prove it ! Scott got home today . He had a swan and some ducks that he brought home . He leaves tomorrow morning for some meeting in MN . I 'll be glad when he can be home for more than 24 hours ! It 's hard to get my lines typed without feeling guilty because I 'm not spending that time with the kids . They have been great though . It was funny , last night , while I had them in the bath tub , someone from the company I work for called and asked if I could work some hours . I had already planned on doing that because I said I would earlier in the week , AND I had to get more lines in ( I have to get 2 , 000 in per week ) . Anyway , I told the gal that yes , I would , but I had the kids in the tub and I was trying to get them bathed and to bed . When I went back to the bathroom Gage asked me who called . I told him it was work . He had a confused look on his face . ( I know it 's probably a hard concept when Mom works in the basement ! ) I told them they wanted me to work . He said , " That 's greedy isn 't it ? " I thought that was an interesting way of putting it ! HA ! Today Gage was invited to attend a birthday part at the bowling alley in Mandan . Emma was very upset that she couldn 't stay . To make her happy , we went to Dairy Queen . She was having a hard time deciding what she wanted . All of the pictures looked very good to her . In the meantime , I ordered a Snickers Blizzard . She then decided she wanted an Oreo Blizzard . The young gals working behind the counter handed Emma her blizzard upside down . Emma 's eyes nearly popped out of her head as her jaw hit the floor . It was funny . I laughed and told the girls that she has never seen that before . Actually I think I have only seen it done a few times myself . Then , the other girl was bringing me my blizzard , and when she turned it upside down it fell onto the cash register and made a great big mess ! Emma didn 't know what to think . I laughed and told the girls I had never seen that before either ! : - ) She had my blizzard 's cup inside another cup , so that 's why it fell out . She was a little embarrassed and then proceeded to make me a new blizzard . It was funny . Emma had many questions while we sat there and ate our ice cream , waiting to go back to get Gage . He was very upset that he only got to stay for an hour , as he had hockey practice to attend . I told him beforehand that he would only get an hour , and that I didn 't want a fit when it was time to go . He agreed , but then renigged . It was just way too much fun bowling in your Halloween costume . PLUS , they hadn 't even had cake and ice cream , or the pizza that was part of the party package . Sometimes life just sucks ! : - ) I spent all day today scrappin ' with my friends ! It was great ! I got 5 pages done I think , which isn 't a huge amount by any means , but that 's 5 more pages done than there would have been had I not gone ! I did have to leave to take Emma to dance , so that is part of the reason I didn 't get more done . Also , dance started a little late , and ran MUCH later ( 20 min ) than it should have . Normally , I would have thought that was great , as I was getting more for my money , but today I had places to be and things to do ! THEN , after Emma was done , I was trying to hurry up to get her back to Laura 's house so I could get back to scrapping , and I couldn 't find my car keys ! UGH ! I looked in all of the spots I had been during the class , but they had a lot of tables sitting out with tons of junk as they are having a rummage sale next weekend at the church . I started getting nervous as I wasn 't sure what I was going to do if I couldn 't find them . You know , I have no cell phone ! HA ! Well , I went all over that church basement , and looked through my bag twice to make sure I hadn 't overlooked them . Then , I found them in the front pocket of the bag . UGH ! Thank goodness I found them , but that took up a few minutes of my scrappin ' time too ! I got Emma 's school album up to date . One of the pages I did was the letter " B " page from her " Bear Box parade " , and had to tell the funny story to everyone about Emma and the testicles . I was telling Laura the story before I left to go scrapbooking and while I was telling it , Emma said , " Mom , I know another " B " word ! " I said , " What is it Emma ? " She says , " Beaver ! " Oh my goodness ! That would have been another body part word she could have shouted out ! Thank goodness it wasn 't that ! She doesn 't know anything about any kind of beaver except the kind that build dams and swim in the water though , thank goodness . I thought it was funny though , given the circumstances ! Makes the story even funnier to tell . I also got a few pages done in Gage 's school album . A few more pages and I 'll have his Kindergarten yearPosted by The kids and I had a good day yesterday . They played and watched PBS for a couple of hours while I worked during the morning . Scott said he had a meeting over lunch so we went to Barnes and Nobel and looked around awhile , then to the mall and had lunch at Subway , then stopped at a couple stores , then Target , then went home . I was proud of how they behaved . Especially at Subway in the mall . It was crazy busy , and it took us awhile to get to order . I guess they were ( and so was I ) hungry enough that they just sat down and ate . They both ate their entire meals . ( Actually , they are usually quite good when we go out to eat , which isn 't all that often ) . Gage spent some of his birthday money at Target , and Emma spent some of her money as well , so they were happy on the way home . All in all yesterday was a good day . Today has started out the same . We 'll see if it continues . Scott leaves to go hunting after lunch and will be back on Wednesday I think ? Tomorrow is a bit of a crazy day . I will be scrapbooking all day at the Civic Center . Scott is gone to Tuttle . The kids are going to Ellie and Alan 's for the day . Emma has dance at 11 : 15 , so I will have to leave to take her to dance , then back to Ellie 's . Gage has his first hockey practice at 3 : 30 and Scott is coming back from Tuttle to take him to hockey , then he 'll be going back to Tuttle . ( Don 't be too impressed , as this was not what he wanted to do ) . This time of year is always hard for me . Scott is gone the majority of the time , and when there are things I want to do , I can 't do them without jumping through many hoops . UGH ! Anyway , I am very excited that I get to scrapbook tomorrow with my friends . I need to get all of my stuff organized so I can be productive ! I had forgotten until last night , that there is no school on Thursday or Friday this week . They always have 2 days off in October due to the ND Teacher 's Convention . Wonderful ! Actually , it will be nice to have a relaxing morning and not have to fight Emma to get her butt out of bed ! Gage is sad there is no school . Darn , he 's going to miss show - and - tell on Friday ! Hallelujah ! At least there won 't be a fight about what to take this week ! Last night I attended my first Tupperware party ever . I really like Tupperware , but have never known anyone who sells it , therefore have never had a party or known of anyone who was having a party . Maybe I 've been invited to one and wasn 't able to attend ? ? I 'm not sure . I 've been invited to so many parties since we 've been here , it 's hard telling if one of them might have been a Tupperware one and I just wasn 't able to go ? Anyway , Emily had a party , and I was able to go . I hired my friend Amy 's son , Clay , the one Emma wants a playdate with , to come and sit with the kids while I was gone for a couple of hours . I think he might have been a little afraid at first , because when he called me back , he said , " What will I have to do ? " I told him I would have the kids in bed before he got here , so if he was lucky he wouldn 't have to do a thing ! The kids were a little sad when I had them in bed , then told them that Clay would be coming to babysit while I went to Emily 's party because they wanted to play of course . I told Gage and Emma I would have Clay come to tell them goodnight . They must have fallen asleep before he arrived ( which would have had to have been within about 10 minutes ) because Clay said he didn 't hear a peep out of either one of them ! I was amazed . I have problems with Emma and babysitters . Every thing is peachy until it 's time to go to bed , then all heck breaks loose , and many times , she 's still awake when I get home . All of my regular babysitters have gone off to college and I am so sad about that . I have a couple of younger gals I can call , but sometimes I need them to bePosted by Today was Gage 's appointment for his 7 - year - old well check . When I signed him in at the front desk , they had me sign another paper for him to get a flu shot . I was a little surprised , as I hadn 't asked for one . Although , I thought it was probably a good idea . So , I figured while we were there , we might as well kill two birds with one stone , and asked if Emma could have one too . I had to fill out a sheet for her and then go back to the main desk to get a printout for her . I was a little worried / nervous at how this was going to go . We haven 't had shots in awhile . I think Gage 's last one was 2 years ago or maybe 3 , which was his MMR . I remember he cried like crazy . I couldn 't blame him though , as three gals came in and two of them gave him simultaneous shots , 1 in each leg , while the third gal held him down ! Poor little guy . Anyway , the doctor asked if I wanted one too ? I wasn 't prepared for that , and not that I didn 't want one , but I didn 't really think it was necessary ? I use that sick time I get once a year as my vacation . HA HA ! NOT ! Usually I end up sick AND still have to deal with the kids . Anyway , I thought about doing it just so I could show Gage and Emma it wouldn 't hurt too bad . Well , I was going to have to fill out another sheet , then go back to the main desk to get a printout for myself , so I decided I didn 't want to go to the trouble . After the doctor was done checking Gage out ( by the way I think he was 80 % in his height and 75 % for his weight ) , I told Gage the nurse was going to come in and give him a shot . He looked at me in alarm . I told him it would be okay , and then I told Emma she was getting one too . She gives me a death look and says , " Oh no I 'm not getting a shot ! ! ! " I figured that was going to happen . Anyway , the nurse came in and she asked which one wanted to go first . I knew it had to be Gage , so he bravely sat on my lap while she gave him the shot in his thigh . I could tell it hurt , but he was so brave and did NOT cry . Then , it was Emma 's turn . I had to corner her behind the exam table to Posted by Gage had his pack meeting tonight and was awarded his Bobcat badge and immediate recognition emblem ! I am so proud of him . He was also very well behaved , and let me tell you , there were probably about 30 or so other Cub Scouts there and not all of them behaved as if they were . I was ready to come home well before it ended ! ! ! I was also upset that my camera batteries were dead before we left for the meeting , and of course , all of my extra rechargeable batteries were tied up in video games , Leap pad etc . We removed them and they were all low as well . Scott loaned me his extra set of batteries from his camera and they too were nearly dead . I did get a few pictures , but some of them probably will not turn out , and unfortunately , since the batteries are dead , I am unable to post pictures tonight . I will try and do that tomorrow as my batteries should all be charged , and then I 'm hiding them all ! I had a great walk today with my friend Emily . It was a nice , crisp , cool morning and we jabbered the whole 2 . 2 miles ! : - ) I needed that ! Thanks Emily ! ! ! ! I am in the process of getting my scrapbook stuff organized for an all day crop at the Civic Center on Saturday . Unfortunately Scott isn 't going to be around to help out with the kids so I have had to find a babysitter . There apparently is an important meeting out in the duck blind ? ? Anyway , Gage also has his first hockey practice of the season on Saturday . My wonderful friend Laura has offered to help out with all of that , but I just feel too guilty having her do the hockey thing too , so I will probably have to leave early from my scrapbook event ? ? We 'll see what comes about . Gage woke up this morning asking us to feel his head because he no longer had a temperature . He was right . He bounced back quick . He was running a temperature of 101 . 5 around suppertime last night and was just feeling bad . I 'm so glad he 's back to himself , and that no one else has started puking ! We didn 't go to church this morning , as I wasn 't sure at the time we needed to be leaving if Gage was well or not . I was feeling truant because we didn 't go to church . We did however , get a few things that needed to be done done . We went out selling more Cub Scout popcorn this afternoon . Gage has officially filled up his order form , which means he will get a special patch and he is very excited about that . If you sell $ 2500 . 00 worth you can earn a college scholarship . I doubt we get that ambitious . I don 't even know if we know that many people to sell that much popcorn to ! Tomorrow night he has a Pack meeting at school and he will be getting several things awarded to him . I will be there taking pictures and hopefully will have some good ones to post . At 4 : 00 this morning , Gage arrives in my bed and says , " Mom , I feel dizzy . " ( Mom is very tired because she stupidly stayed awake until about 1 a . m . watching Season 1 , Disc 4 of Prison Break on the kids ' portable DVD player in her bed ) . As I was trying to figure out what was going on , I said , " What Gage , you feel dizzy ? " Gage says , " Yeah Mom , I feel dizzy . " He then proceeds to puke all over Scott 's pillow . ( I 'm quite thankful it was Scott 's pillow ! ) I jump out of bed and scramble through the dark house looking for a bucket . I run back to my bedroom only to find he had puked again all over the sheets . I gave him the bucket and he said he didn 't think he was going to puke again , as he puked in the bucket . UGH ! What a terrible way to wake up ! For me AND Gage ! I had him go sit on the couch with the bucket while I changed the sheets and put the puked - on sheets in the washing machine . I had him come back to my bed and lay down , as I didn 't want him to end up puking on the carpet on his way back to my bedroom the next time it happened . We both fell asleep , and awoke again at 5 a . m . to him puking IN THE BUCKET thank goodness ! ! ! He was pretty much emptied out and was then retching . I felt horrible for him . My friend Emily and her 3 kids had all gone through the same thing for the past few days . So far , Emma has not felt sick , nor have I . A friend 's son up the street came to sit with Gage while took Emma to dance class . ( Scott was still out hunting ) I was SO THANKFUL that he came to help me out . Scott was still gone and I had already gone through 2 neighbors looking for help . I tried to pay him but he wouldn 't take the money . I will get it to him somehow . I am sooooo thankful to have such great friends and neighbors . I hate asking for help , and I typically don 't , but when I do , it is very nice to have people who are willing to lend a helping hand . Let 's pray no one else gets sick and that Gage feels better soon . He has a Cub Scout " Go See It " activity tomorrow afternoon with his den , and then a pack meeting on Monday where hPosted by I took the kids to school this morning , then made a quick run to the bank before coming home to start working . As I drove through the drive - thru at the bank , I chose the second lane at the north American Bank Center branch ( the middle lane ) . I hate that lane , but recently a sign has been posted on the first lane that says " Commercial Accounts " . So , I always choose the middle lane . I hit the curb EVERY time I leave . I don 't know why ? I know it 's coming , and I try to avoid it , but I usually drive up onto the curb a little bit just as I 'm leaving the tube ? ? Anyway , while I was in the middle lane , I put my money ( some to be deposited , and one check to be cashed ) into the tube and sent it to the lady inside . I waited and watched , and waited some more . As I was sitting there , an old man drove up on the outside lane . The lady said , " Thanks , have a good day . " I said , " Thanks , you too . " Then I waited and waited , and my tube never came back . I noticed the little old man in the outside lane opening up a tube and taking out the envelope and was taking the cash out of the envelope . I knew that was my money , and I just sat there waiting to see what was going to happen . I looked at the lady inside , and she had just realized her mistake . She was telling the old man he needed to send that tube back to her . He was a bit confused it seemed . Anyway , I was thankful that I got my money . If that had been some dishonest person , they could have just driven off with it ! I 'm sure that lady inside was a little bit panicked as the man was removing my money from the envelope ! She didn 't even count it when she got the tube back to make sure it was all there , she just sent it on to me . It was all there . I 'll bet she never makes that mistake again ! ! ! That poor old man must have thought he hit the jackpot ? We have had a nice past couple of days . I am a firm believer that kids who get enough sleep don 't misbehave . At least that is the case with mine ( well , that goes for Gage anyway ) HA HA ! On Fridays , Gage has show - and - tell . They do it every FridayPosted by Well , the early bedtime last night seemed to help . The kids were in bed by 6pm . I read a whole chapter book to Gage , so about 6 : 30 he was done and ready to go to sleep . Scott read to Emma and she was done and ready by 6 : 15 ! It took them a little bit to go to sleep , but they were certainly in better spirits today , thank the Lord ! Here 's Scott and his antelope . He sent the picture from his phone , so it 's not the best . It 's a pretty big antelope . We ate some steaks from it last night and they were pretty good . At least with them I can 't hit a pellet like I always do with birds ! UGH ! He 's back in Tuttle hunting with an old college buddy until Saturday . Brie is with him so I 'm enjoying the quiet time . The weather was a bit chilly today . Wind was blowing a bit so it was a cold walk to and from school with Gage . I enjoy the time though , as I can always find things out during that time that I can 't always get out of him later . It 's funny at supper time , I always try to ask Gage and Emma about their day . Emma has caught on to that and she will say , " So what did you have for lunch today Gage ? " : - ) or " What did so - and - so bring for a snack Gage ? " He eventually gets annoyed with all of the questions . Gage earned back one of his Star Wars DVDs today so he is thrilled about that . Emma and I have had a fairly quiet day . I worked a few hours this morning while she played . All in all it was a good day . I hope I can say the same tomorrow . Once again , I have some great leverage . Gage threw a huge fit this morning and was quite rude when I was trying to get him to finish up a worksheet that was sent home yesterday from school . He did quite a bit of writing of thank - yous last night and it was time to get to bed , so I saved it for this morning . I have to get them to bed tonight by 6 : 30 . I think that is the only way I will stay sane . He lost all 3 of his Star Wars DVDs that he got for his birthday from his Grandpa and Grandma Stephens . He may not get them back if this behavior continues . I just hate starting the day off on the wrong foot . He was upset and crying / pouting this morning when I took him to school , so we sat in the van a little while before he went to the school so maybe he could compose himself . This is typical behavior after being spoiled for 3 days by the grandparents . It completely wears me out . I 'll have every birthday present taken away before the day is out if he doesn 't get a grip ! Well , our company is gone and we are all tired . Gage and Emma went to bed very easy tonight , and I am so glad , as Scott is out in western ND hunting antelope . His friend Steve got his , but Scott shot and missed . I 'm not sure how you can kill 5 birds with 4 shots , and miss an antelope ? ? HA HA ! Hopefully he gets it tomorrow and he 'll be done with it . Then he 'll be home long enough to get his crap together to head to Tuttle to hunt ducks . He has a friend from college staying there to hunt with him . The fall season is in full swing . I 'm just thankful Brie goes with him ! : - ) I 'm going to have to train her to hunt antelope for next year ! We 're heading back to normal . Hopefully we all wake up completely rested tomorrow and ready to start a new day ! My sister - in - law took these pictures and emailed them to me . I thought they were pretty neat , so I thought I would share . It is a little difficult to see them here , so sorry about that . Apparently these were taken outside of Topeka , KS . We are going to have to go through there some day when we are vacationing . I think lunch at the Magic Wok in Gage Village sounds like a great place to eat ! Gage would get a kick out of it . I 'm surely going to have to do a scrapbook page of these different Gage signs . : - ) It is a beautiful day out today . Temp in the high 50 's lower 60 's . My kind of fall weather . Gage has his second den meeting tonight for Cub Scouts , so I 'm trying to get things ready for that . Not much else going on . Gage and Emma are loving the complete and undivided attention of their grandparents . They will certainly have to be deprogrammed tomorrow afternoon . That 's never a fun job but somebody 's gotta do it ! I took these pictures of Gage and Emma on Gage 's field trip to the pumpkin patch . They are great posers ! HA ! You don 't know what it took to get them to sit next to each other for this photo . Gage kept asking another friend if he wanted to be in it . I took one of him too , so he wouldn 't feel bad , but I really was trying to get a photo for our Christmas letter this year . I meant to add these pictures to the " May The Force Be With You " post . I made this cake for Gage for his birthday . The pictures make the cake look MUCH better than it actually was ! I had major problems with it , but in the end , Gage loved it and it tasted good , so that is all that matters ! Wow ! The week is over and I am so glad ! Gage had his birthday party Thursday . We had 13 kids marching in line on our 2 1 / 2 block walk home . Here is a word to the wise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . if you have 13 kids coming to your house , do NOT , I repeat , do NOT make them take their shoes off . My house reeked like stinky feet . It was also a mistake for them to remove their shoes because they had all been on a field trip earlier in the morning to the pumpkin patch . Their shoes were filled with straw , which was then tracked all over the house . I don 't know why I bothered cleaning before they arrived ? Thank goodness the weather was wonderful and the rest of the party was spent outdoors . I even took the cake outside . I am so glad I did , as there were many spills that occurred ! Gage had a blast and I think his friends had fun too ? I was exhausted and I still am . I have been getting up at 5 : 15 am this past week to get a couple of hours of work in before the kids have to get up to get ready for school . This is following a week of not being able to get to sleep until 3 am because I was working late . If I ever get my sleep schedule in order , things will be looking good ! I 'll post some pictures tomorrow if I get a chance . Scott 's parents are coming to visit for the weekend , so not sure what kind of time I will have . Wish me luck . . . . . . . . . . I will need it . Cub Scout popcorn sales officially started yesterday . Gage is doing great . This is funny . . . . . . . . . tonight after supper , the doorbell rang . Emma answered it and I could tell she didn 't know what to say , so I went to see who it was . It was a young boy selling raffle tickets for Cathedral School fundraiser . The tickets were $ 1 , so I went to look for some money . Of course I can 't find any dollar bills , so I started rummaging for change . When I came back to the door , Gage was outside trying to sell this kid some popcorn . LOL ! I was a little embarrassed at first . The kid 's Dad then came up to the door and looked at the popcorn choices . They live a block south of us and he sent us to his house for his wife to buy some popcorn . I guess that 'll teach em ! HA HA ! So , we met some new neighbors with kids about Gage and Emma 's ages . They seem very nice . Gage and Emma had a blast playing with the 4 - year - old girl while I stood inside collecting money . I have tons to do to get ready for Gage 's big birthday bash on Thursday . Gage told me that if you wish someone well , that means they will get better . He says we have the power to change the future . I 'm wishing myself luck , because I am going to need it . We have about 8 kids slated to walk home with us after school , plus a few others that don 't go to his school . I 'm going to need some luck . Well , I 'm back and I survived my wonderful weekend of scrapbooking ! I haven 't worked on my albums for so long it is pathetic . I scrapped 36 pages and felt a huge sense of accomplishment ! I experimented this time to see if I went to bed earlier , could I do as many pages . Well , it seems that I can do MORE pages if I go to bed earlier ! I wasn 't too surprised . I could certainly tell when I started dragging and I just got up and went to bed , then got up early the next morning and went to town on my pages . No migraine this time , thank goodness ! My friend Tonya , who I rode with , was sick and I had to take over driving and take her to the emergency room in Dickinson on our way there . She was suffering a severe sinus infection and I felt so bad for her . She was a trooper and fought back and was feeling a little better by Saturday afternoon . I got home Sunday about 6 : 30 pm and it was nice to sleep in my own bed . I was checking to see if Gage got his homework done over the weekend and saw his paper laying on the table . I picked it up to see that Scott actually did it for him . Gage has been having Math papers that we play games with either cards or dice and he is he then supposed to write about what we played and what happened . Scott wrote it instead of Gage . Gage did write on the sheet , and when I looked at it I was trying to figure out what in the world he wrote . It said , " I usd penis " . I asked Scott what the heck that was about . He hadn 't even looked at the paper . It was supposed to say " I used pennies " . He was just sounding out his words . Needless to say , since the homework is due tomorrow , I kept the sheet home and we 'll give it another go tonight ! Sure glad I looked it over ! Not sure what his teacher would have thought about that ? ! ? Cub Scouts tonight . We are busy busy busy !

I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : JJ thinks that it 's grief . Morgan is too pissed at Doyle over Prentiss 's death to see it and Garcia is too worried about him . Rossi 's worried about Hotch and Hotch . Hotch is too worried about keeping up the lie of Prentiss 's death around his boyfriend . Too bad none of them saw how sick Reid was getting . " Hotch , I need to talk to you , " Spencer asked for the fourth time that day . He tried at lunch the first time and the two others had been after meetings . Now the office was empty and he needed to get going if he was going to make his flight on time . He had to stop and talk to Jack before he left . " Not now , Reid . We can talk later . " Aaron didn 't even look up from his papers . He just scribbled away . Spencer felt the tears at the corner of his eyes but he didn 't let them fall . Instead , he just turned away . The subway ride to the hotel he 'd stayed at the last few nights was quick . He packed up the last of his things and then looked around to make sure he wasn 't missing anything . " Spencer ! " Jack yelled as he ran into the room with a book in his hand . Spencer leaned down and picked him up . It was hard to though . He was so weak . He could tell by the look on her face that Jessica was seeing him for the first time now . Taking it all in . He wasn 't faking it anymore . He wasn 't hiding it , not here . " Where 's daddy ? " " Daddy is still at work . I came over to talk to you . " Spencer moved over to the couch and sat down , setting Jack on the coffee table so he could look the little boy in the eye . " I need you to do me a big favor . " " I 'm going away on a trip for a little bit . I 've caught a sickness that takes a little more than chicken noodle soup to fix . I wanted to tell you in person . I 'll write you letters and I 'll call when I can . " " It 's nothing to worry about but the people who are the best at taking care of what is wrong with me aren 't around here . I need to go to them . So you aren 't going to see me for a few months . I need you to take care of your dad . " Jack leaned forward and hugged him . Spencer soaked up the warmth of that hug . He 'd stopped by and talked to Henry a few days before but Jack . Jack was the hard one . " I hope so , too . I 'll tell you everything when I get back . " Spencer wiped at the tears he couldn 't hold back . Jack wiped at a few as well and it just made more fall down . Jack was the perfect little boy . He loved him so much . " I need to get going to catch my plane . Do you think that you can go to your room so your Aunt Jessica and I can talk ? " " Sure . " Jack hugged him one last time and then he was off to his room . Before Spencer could even think of pushing himself up off the couch , Jessica was there with her hand at his elbow to help him . " I 'm not telling you where I am going but I will tell you that what I have been diagnosed with is diffuse Astrocytoma . Brain tumors . I 'm going to get treatment . The letters . I 'm leaving them with you and you are only to give them to the recipients if I don 't make it through treatment . There is one for Aaron , Jack , and Henry . As to where Aaron is . He 's at the office . I tried to talk to him earlier again but he won 't talk . " Spencer had been trying to months to talk to him but since Emily 's death it had been hard to get him to do anything that wasn 't work . There was more than just guilt there over her death but the only thing that he could think of was that he knew something and wasn 't telling at least him . It had been in the middle of a phone consult with his doctor that he figured it out . His doctor had been going over who to notify and his next of kin and medical power of attorney . Aaron had never told Jack that Emily was dead . How could he tell his son that Emily was dead like his mother and then later her come back . It was the only explanation that Spencer could think of . How could Emily come back if Mommy couldn 't . Emily was alive somewhere and it was being kept from them . Spencer had wanted to be mad but his own worry about his health overrode any grief at Emily 's death . Then working through that she was alive . JJ had to know . " I went to the doctor for my headaches but there was nothing . I went back two months ago for a follow up and they found the tumor . I 've tried to talk to Aaron and since Emily 's death , he 's pulled back from everyone . I am going away to get treatment for two reasons . One , the best are there and two , I need distance from Aaron . I love him but … I can 't do this alone with him right here . I don 't want to just blurt out that I have brain cancer . I can 't … I just need distance . I would prefer that you don 't talk to Aaron about this before he comes to you but I understand if you do . " Spencer leaned forward and kissed Jessica 's cheek . " Make sure that Jack knows that I love him . Unless something happens with my treatment , I will be gone around four months . " " I 'll make sure , Spencer . Call me . You know when I have him throughout the day so call whenever you are up to it . " Jessica pulled him into a hug and then let him go . Spencer didn 't want to say goodbye . He 'd made sure to not say goodbye to anyone . He was going to make it through the treatment and he was going to get better . Pulling the door shut behind him , he spared one last look at Jessica 's face before it closed . She looked devastated . " Good luck , " the driver said as he left . Spencer smiled . He hadn 't told him that he was sick or even what he was going away for , but he figured he looked pretty sick . Before boarding the plane , he took one last look at DC . He had a five hour direct flight to Las Vegas and then an eight hour car ride to his final destination . Aaron knocked on Spencer 's apartment door . He 'd pushed his lover off several times the day before and he felt bad . He had to work on reports and being in the same room as him distracted him . He had to managed his reactions too much . Today he had spent the morning , afternoon , and part of the evening with Jack . There was no answer so he figured that Spencer was out it was only six and it was a Saturday , but he couldn 't remember for the life of him if Spencer had talked about having plans . Aaron dug his key out and it wouldn 't fit into the lock . He dialed Spencer 's house phone but the phone inside didn 't ring and the number went unanswered . He tried his cell next and it went straight to voicemail . Worried , Aaron called Spencer 's landlord next and got an answering machine . He left a message telling who he was and that he was worried . He was tempted to break down the door but he wasn 't going to until the morning . Instead , Aaron went home and waited for Spencer 's landlord to call . When he entered the apartment , he was shocked to find Jessica just sitting on the couch . It wasn 't that she was sitting it was the look on her face and the despair on her face . She took one look at him and then left , going to the bathroom and shutting the door . What had happened ? " What do you mean that Spencer paid off his lease ? " Aaron was shocked . He hadn 't gone to Spencer 's apartment for two weeks but surely if he had moved , Aaron would have known . " Doctor Reid said he was leaving for a few months and that he was going to find a new place to live when he came back . I 'm sorry , Agent Hotchner . I have a forwarding address for his mail but it 's a post office box here in DC . " " Thank you . " Aaron hung up the phone and looked to the bathroom . What the hell was going on ? Aaron took a step towards the bathroom to talk to Jessica but Jack looked up at him . " Nothing buddy . I 'm just having trouble getting a hold of Uncle Spencer . " Aaron lied for the sake of not upsetting Jack . Why was he going out of town ? How had he not known it ? Forget being boyfriends , Aaron was his boss and he needed to know what a team member was leaving town . If he thought that he could sweet talk him out of bringing him up on censure for leaving his post , Spencer had another thing coming to him . " Uncle Spencer stopped here last night , " Jack said like he had just remembered it . " He 's going away for a few months to get better , " Jack set his two action figures down and looked up at Aaron . Jack was on the floor in front of the couch . It was past his bedtime by a great deal but he sometimes couldn 't sleep without seeing Aaron . " He said he was really sick . He said when he got back he would tell me what 's wrong . He said that he 'd send me letters telling me how he 's doing . I 'm writing him a letter in my bedroom . Telling him I 'm missing him already . " " Did he tell you why he left to get better ? " Aaron was cold . He hadn 't felt like this since the call from Haley just before she died . " No . Just that he needed to get better . Dad , why didn 't he tell you he was sick ? " Jack looked at him with wide eyes and Aaron found he couldn 't answer . He knew the reason but he couldn 't tell Jack . Every single doctor appointment that Spencer had since Emily had put placed in France for her own safety . He hadn 't thought a single thing of the appointments but looking back now , he could tell that he 'd missed a lot . Hindsight was twenty - twenty and he was seeing more than he had months . Jack nodded and turned back to his action figures . Aaron stood up and moved to his bedroom leaving Jessica alone for the moment . He dialed Garcia 's number hoping that she was at work . She 'd said something about upgrades over the weekend since they 'd been promised no cases . " Yes , you did . The paperwork was filed two weeks ago . It was right around when you almost were sent overseas . What 's wrong with Reid ? " Garcia asked . Aaron just stood there staring . He signed off on a leave report two weeks ago but hadn 't really looked at it . Leave was the only way that some of them were able to get in doctors appointments . He hadn 't paid any attention to who it was or for how long . He tried to remember but he was coming up blank . Another thing to add to the list of things he had to make up for . " Four months . Hotch , what 's wrong with him ? I asked him about it and he said that he was working on a degree . He isn 't is he ? " The sound of her fingers flying over the keys was the only sound in her office . He waited and listened . It was normal . " I have requests on our insurance for doctors ' visits . Onco … " Garcia gasped and was crying . Aaron felt tears at his own eyes . If Garcia was crying it wasn 't good . " Hotch , just get here . " She hung up on him and when he called right back , he got no answer . Onco … Aaron tried to think about what word she was going to say . There was only one word he could think of . " He wanted me to wait but I can 't . Diffuse Astrocytoma . Do you know what that is ? " Jessica stared at him until he shook his head . " I 've spent my day looking it up . Brain tumors with a sixty five percent chance of survival in his age range . He looked like death warmed over when he came here . I 've not seen him in a month as our schedules are horrible but you … you see him every day . How the hell has your team not seen how bad off he is ? " " I … " Aaron couldn 't say a word . He 'd noticed he was looking thin but his headaches … Oh God all of Spencer 's headaches . He 'd thought they were stress related and the supposed death of Prentiss had made them worse . " What did he tell you ? " " That he wasn 't telling me where he was going . He said he tried to talk to you several times yesterday and you kept pushing him off . That you 've been pushing him off for a while . You know Haley always talked about how the team was a family and she thought that you loved them more than her and Jack . I never believed her about loving them more . I don 't believe it now . What the hell is going on with your team ? He didn 't come out and say it but I think that no one knows on the team . He said he was leaving town for two reasons , the best doctors for his tumors are not here and he couldn 't be around you anymore . He needed to be away from you . " " So it doesn 't have anything to do with the fact that Spencer has been grieving over Emily 's death but you 've not told Jack that she is dead ? When I brought Jack over for lunch last week on his day off school , the bullpen was like a ghost town . You in your office . Dave in his . Morgan in his . Garcia in hers . With Emily gone , there is no one out there with Spencer . That 's why none of you noticed . He used your own grief over her death to hide what was wrong . I know that you 've mentioned how mad Morgan is over Emily 's death and not being able to save her . He 's looking for Doyle you said . Garcia is worrying more about him . I know her . Dave 's worried about you . Who is left to worry about Spencer because it 's sure as hell not you ? You are too busy hiding from your boyfriend so that he can 't see the lie on your face . " " You manage yourself way too much around Spencer since Emily 's death . There are no carefree emotions , so I started to watch you more and then I realized that you had never said a thing to Jack about her death . Just that she was gone . Spencer wasn 't around for that . Jack brought her up once and he saw how emotional Spencer got so he never brought her up again . I 'd be shocked if Spencer didn 't know . Morgan and Garcia are too blinded by grief and anger . I don 't know about Dave . I 've not spent any time with JJ after her switch to the State Department . " " Like I 'm going to yell it from the rooftops ? Come on , Aaron you 've never treated me like I am stupid before . Don 't start now . I 'll stay here tonight with Jack and after that maybe you need to get your team in order . And your life . " Aaron nodded and turned down the hall . Jack was asleep on the couch and he kissed his son goodbye . He got into his car and drove . His mind blank . Aaron was shocked to find Morgan and Dave together in Garcia 's office when he got there . Morgan had Garcia wrapped in his arms . Her computer screens were active with cancer information . All on diffuse Astrocytomas . " She won 't talk . She 's just crying , " Dave said as he stood up from the chair he had been in . His eyes were on the screens . There was one screen that showed Spencer sitting as his desk with his head in his hands . He thought it was paused until he saw someone move in the background . " What 's going on , Aaron ? " " I signed paperwork two weeks ago for leave . I didn 't look at it . I saw leave request and just signed it . It was for Reid and it was for four months . I went to his apartment to talk to him because I kept putting him off yesterday . He didn 't answer his phone , either one of them . I tried my key and it didn 't work . I called his landlord . He said that Reid was leaving town for a few months and he was going to look for a new place when he got back . " " I don 't know . He 's been seeing a doctor more often than normal but I figured he was just … we all know this is a scary time for him . " No more words were needed about Spencer 's fears of schizophrenia . He knew more than the others but that was a given with their relationship . " He went to my place after work yesterday and said his goodbyes to Jack . Jack asked me why I didn 't know that he was sick . " " I am not the only one that missed it . " Aaron pinned the younger agent with his hardest stare . Right now he was holding on by a thread . " Jessica pointed out something to me . With Prentiss 's death , he 's alone now in the bullpen . There are the other teams but of our team , there is just Seaver and well , she 's in class more than not when we are not on cases . We are all too focused on each other and we all let it slip . Yes , I carry more blame as he and I are in a relationship but we all hold blame . " " I tracked his flight to Las Vegas . It landed around midnight but he never checked into a hotel and hasn 't used his cards since then . As far as medical records go , I only have access to what our insurance has filed . I don 't know where he is going or why he is going to Vegas to do it . " " Brain tumor specialists ? " Garcia pulled herself from Morgan 's arms and started typing . " There are five specific places in the continental United States . None are in Vegas . " " So he has chosen a city to fly to that we would never think anything of him getting a flight into . What are the five cities ? " Dave asked . " I have the Big Sur area of California . It 's more a retreat type place than a hospital . It is still a treatment center and is eight hours away from Vegas . I have Augusta , Maine . New York City . Los Angeles . And Flagstaff . Travel from Vegas to LA is four hours and from Vegas to Flagstaff is three and a half hours . " " I did . He left to go to Vegas a week ago and other than regular withdrawals from an ATM there and a hotel that was booked through last night , he 's a ghost . He did rent a car in Vegas but he 's not returned it yet . The best we can hope for is that we can talk the rental place into tracking the GPS . " " How did he hide that he was living alone with his schizophrenic mother from age ten up ? " Aaron asked . He knew well how much Spencer had to have hidden to get into Cal - Tech at that age with his mother as she was as well . He could lie and manipulate when he felt the need but he 'd never felt that need with the team . Their grief over losing Prentiss had made it so that he felt he couldn 't go to any of them with his issues . While he knew that they felt bad , Aaron felt horrible . He hadn 't seen how bad Spencer had gotten . He looked back at the screen where Spencer was sitting . " He sat like that for an hour last week . I started at yesterday and went backward , watching . Hotch , he sat like that for an hour and no one noticed . No one on the other teams , none of us . An hour rubbing his temples . " Garcia was starting to cry again . " And Sir . Reid made a withdrawal of twenty thousand dollars from his savings last week . Well he made the request and the bank got it ready last week . " " He 's paying with cash . He really is hiding . " Aaron nodded and moved out of the room . He went up to his office to sit for a little bit before going home . He had a lot to think about . Two weeks and still nothing from Spencer or Ethan . Ethan had taken a few weeks leave from his job in New Orleans as a piano player and hadn 't been heard from since . Ethan 's car was not in New Orleans . Will had used his friends from there to look for it . Aaron figured that he drove to Vegas and left his car there while he drove Spencer to wherever he was going but he figured that Ethan would have popped up again by then . The rental had been returned to Vegas but there had been nothing to tell them where he had gone . The mileage could have been to any of the cities with a lot of driving if it had been LA or Flagstaff or just there and back if it had been Big Sur . Hell , they could have drove to LA and Spencer could have flown to Maine or New York on a private jet . Spencer was too good at covering his tracks . Aaron sighed as he leaned back on his couch . Jack was asleep in his bed and Jessica had gone home for the night . The team had got back from a case that afternoon . Strauss had known of the leave and the medical reason for leaving but she had been unaware that the team hadn 't known . She hadn 't been pleased when told the whole truth of it all , except for the relationship . That she knew nothing about . She had a contact number for him but hadn 't even offered to give it and Aaron wasn 't asking as he knew the answer . Spencer had asked her not to . Strauss was loyal when there was cause for it and she seemed to have taken to the young man . The pile of mail was sitting where he 'd set it on the coffee table . He picked up the pile and sorted through it . Stopping when he saw a letter with Jack 's name on it . The postmark was Las Vegas . Aaron debated opening it up but he didn 't . The address lines were all typed . Spencer always hand wrote out all of them but given what he was going to be going through , it seemed he 'd printed out envelopes to send to Jack . That made his heart ache . He 'd worried the first time he 'd brought Spencer to meet Jack , long before the death of Haley . Jack had been so young then and Spencer had been nervous , but they had got along . Aaron looked at the return address . It was Bennington . It was genius , but he expected no less from Spencer . He was probably writing to his mother and slipping in a letter for Jack . The envelopes were at Bennington and she only need put the letter in and send it off . Aaron set the letter down . He 'd go into the office later so that he could open the letter with Jack . To do that he needed sleep though and sleep was hard to come by . Spencer 's scent was faded from the sheets and only his pillow held a vague smell of him . Aaron had found the climate controlled storage unit Spencer had stored his things at . Changing for bed , Aaron lay down and pulled Spencer 's pillow close . He buried his face into it and tried to fall asleep . He was on sheep number one hundred when his cell phone rang . It was a number he didn 't know . " No . He 's come out of his surgery just fine and is resting . Right now he is healing and then in a week the decision on whether he has to go through radiation therapy or not or if another surgery is needed if they in fact didn 't get all of the tumor . The letter that Spencer sent out for Jack was before the surgery . I have a letter in my possession that I am mailing in the morning overnight . I would not call Diana to try and get anything from her . She 's rather … cross at the team at the moment . " " Yes . Spencer figures that by now you have narrowed the search down . He is on the west half of the country . You know . I told him once that there was no way that the men and women he worked with missed signs of what he was going through when you all were down on that case in New Orleans . When I picked him up in Vegas I just … I didn 't see how the hell any of you missed it . Best in the country ? Too worried about yourselves is more like it . Diana is more than pissed at you , Agent Hotchner . She wants to scratch out your eyes . It was her and I that told Spencer a clean break would be better . Getting away from the team and just focusing on himself . Of course , he wasn 't going to just leave Jack behind . Loves that boy to the end of the Earth . If it hadn 't been for Jack , he 'd have just left . You never would have tracked him to Vegas and nowhere after . Knowing that he is in one of three places gives you comfort . Something I don 't think you deserve but that 's neither here nor there . " " Please just tell Spencer that I hope he gets well soon and that … " Aaron paused . This whole thing had just proven to him that he loved him . He hadn 't been showing Spencer that he did love him . " Tell him that I love him and want him home as soon as he 's able . " Spencer felt the hand on his head and arched up into it . For several seconds he could believe that it was Aaron . Aaron had found him and come to him despite him not wanting him to . He cracked open his eyes though and saw her . Thinking that she was alive and seeing her there in front of him were two very different things . Had he died ? Had he been wrong ? Emily was talking and took several lines for him to recognize Russian . He smiled as he recognized it . It was an inside joke between the two of them . Tili Tili Bom , a Russian lullaby from a movie that was really creepy . They had fallen in love with it and now when neither of them could sleep , they sang it to each other . " No , but I felt weird sitting here and you only have one book in here and I can 't read it . Scoot over , " Emily said as she shoved at him lightly . Spencer laughed and did so . He moved over so she could lay down on her back under the covers in his bed . He curled into her with his head on her chest , listening to her heart beat . The position was intimate but it was comforting and just what he needed . " JJ said something without thinking in our last talk online . She doesn 't know I am here . I had a friend in Interpol help me get here under an alias . I wore a wig up until I entered your room here . It 's a nice place . Glad that the money in your savings account is going to something nice . I waited as long as I could to come . I wanted to give you space . I debated just slipping in and out but I knew the staff would say something so I stayed . " " Aaron never told Jack you were dead . Just that you were gone . The first time I took it as grief but after the third time … It hit me . I tried so hard to figure out why it would be so bad to tell Jack that you were dead . Then it hit me , it would only be bad to say you were dead if you weren 't . Because how can you come back from the dead when his mom can 't . " " I wondered what Hotch was going to tell him . It 's the middle of the night , Spencer , let 's get some sleep . I 'll be here when you wake up . " A light kiss on his forehead and he was closing his eyes again . She wasn 't Aaron but she was in some ways better . He could take what he could . It felt good to be held again . The letter that came to Jack contained no more than the knowledge that he was settled in at where he was going to get better . There was a picture of his room , all medical looking and cold . At Spencer 's bedside was a picture and that picture hurt Aaron worse than Spencer leaving . It was a picture that Garcia had taken at the last team cookout . Henry had crawled into Spencer 's lap to take a quick nap and after a while Jack had wanted attention from his Uncle Spencer and so both boys had cuddled into his lap . Garcia had snapped the picture when Spencer had been smiling down at Jack and talking to him . It was the only picture in Spencer 's room and it didn 't have Aaron in it . Picking up the picture again , Aaron looked at it , he smiled . There on his small table right by the picture was something he 'd missed the first time he 'd looked at it . The book at the bedside was the one that Aaron had bought for him just two months before . It was a first edition that Spencer had been looking for . He had taken something to remind him of Aaron . The second letter had told Jack nothing more than he was happy to be where he was but missed him and that even in the short time they 'd been separated he 'd had a big step in getting better . Jack had proudly shared with him the address that he could write Spencer back at and the boy had faithfully wrote a letter a day . Aaron dropped them off every morning at the post office . Overnight mail . Spencer wrote back but there was little in the letters that wasn 't in response to what Jack had said in his own . " You sound tired . It 's too early there . You should be asleep . " Aaron said the words because he meant them but he regretted them as well . He just wanted to hear Spencer talk , laugh , even babble . There was silence on the other end of the phone and Aaron wasn 't sure that it was a good thing . " I woke up early to call before your day started at work but after Jack was at school . I 'm doing good Aaron . Strong and getting stronger . How have you been ? " " I 've been good . Jack looks forward to your letters . Jessica has to take him by the apartment on the way to her house everyday so he can pick up the new one . " " If I give you the address of the place where I am so that Jack can send letters here , will you promise that no one will come here . I 'm not that strong yet , Aaron . I 'm not ready for the team to come here . I don 't know if I ever will be . " " I won 't even tell the team . I promise . I need you to listen . Please . There is a lot that I need to say to you . Are you ready for that ? " Aaron didn 't like how defeated Spencer sounded . Aaron grabbed his cup of coffee and took a sip . He settled back in his chair . " I can 't make up for what I have done . I should have been right there by your side the entire time . From first visit and right now I should be looking haggard from taking care of you and not because I can 't sleep at night without you in our bed . Worrying that every time my phone rings , it 's Ethan or a nurse or doctor to tell me that the worst has happened . I 'm a colossal idiot , asshole , and jerk . I don 't deserve for you to forgive me but I want you to . I am so sorry . " Aaron started to cry . " I 'm so sorry . Words can 't express how sorry I am that because I couldn 't see what was going on around me you are alone there . " " Who is there ? Did Ethan come back ? " Aaron had never been jealous of him up until a friend he hadn 't seen in years was more willing to see what was in front of him anyone on the team . He 'd taken better care of Spencer than they had over the past months . The team was still reeling and Aaron knew it . " Spencer ? " Aaron 's heart near broke . If it wasn 't Ethan than it was someone new and Aaron couldn 't take the thought that Spencer was moving on without him . " I 'm glad you are not alone . The team 's arriving so I need to get off of here . Will you call me back later ? " Aaron hoped that he agreed to do it . " It depends on how I feel tonight . Have a good day , Aaron . " Spencer hung up before Aaron could say another word . He hung up the phone and let his head drop into his hands . That 's the position that Dave found him in near an hour later . He waved Dave off and was left alone . The day blurred together in a way that he didn 't like . He was parked outside a park , half an hour after getting away from the office . He knew what he wanted to do and it was going to make Spencer mad but he didn 't care . He had roughly three months before Spencer 's leave was over and he had a lot that he needed to do in that time . His life outside of work was going to be busier than his work life on his days off but it was going to be worth it . Or it was going to be a horrible mess . Aaron smiled at the sun as it shone on his face . He stood outside the facility where Spencer was still staying . This was going to be the make or break moment in their entire relationship . Everything in Virginia was ready for him to return in a month 's time with Spencer in tow . He inhaled deeply before exhaling as he stepped away from the rental car to shut the door . During their talks , Aaron had learned from Spencer that Prentiss had gone back overseas two weeks ago . It was the only thing that had kept him from coming out . There was a bond those two had that was different than the sibling bond that Spencer and Morgan had formed over the years . It was a bond that Aaron would never be able to understand and he didn 't want to try . It wasn 't his to understand , it was his to accept . He 'd accepted it and why Prentiss 's death affected him so much . " Can I help you ? " A nurse asked as she stepped up to him . He hadn 't realized that he 'd stopped walking halfway up the walkway to the facility . " I 'm here to visit Spencer Reid . " Aaron smiled at her . He was dressed in jeans and a t - shirt , hoping that seeing him in his very relaxed clothes would make Spencer less mad at him . He 'd not been given the okay to come to him . He 'd not told him he was on the way either . " Aaron , " Spencer 's voice said from his left . Aaron turned and found Spencer sitting in a gazebo of sorts that was tucked into a row of trees . His hair hadn 't grown out much from where it had been cut for the surgery or the short round of Chemo he 'd endured following . Aaron though had never seen him looking so lovely . He didn 't even hesitate to move over to him , crouching at his legs . It was still early and the wind had a bit of a nip to it . Spencer was ensconced into the corner of the gazebo with a blanket wrapped around him . Aaron dropped to his knees and raised up to be face to face with him . " What are you doing here ? I never asked you to come . I never told you that you could come . " " I couldn 't stand it anymore , Spence . We missed you . I missed you . Jessica and Jack are at a hotel close by but Jack doesn 't know that we are close to you . To him , it 's a vacation . I 'm not going to make you see him or me . I just wanted to see you at least for a few moments . I wanted to let you know that I was here , but that I am not going to force myself on you . " Aaron leaned up a little and kissed his forehead . He 'd said what he needed to and seen him . That was the only reason he had come . To see him . " I 'll leave you now . I have my cell phone so you can call whenever you want . " Aaron stood up and turned to move but before he could take the first step , he felt warm fingers close around his wrist . He turned his head to see Spencer gripping his wrist , a smile on his face . He pulled Aaron 's hand back and brought the palm of it up . He laid the palm against his cheek and his eyes closed in happiness . Aaron turned and brought his other hand up to cup his other cheek . " There is a little street festival two towns over . I heard one of the nurses talking about it . It opens at ten . It 's only a little after six . What do you say we get me checked out and we can pick up Jack and Jessica , find a nice place to have breakfast and spend the day having fun ? " Spencer 's eyes opened and he stared up into Aaron 's face . " We can sit at the beach any old day . " Spencer pulled one of his hands back from his face and kissed the palm . " Come , take me to my room so I can get dressed . " " Of course . " Aaron held his arm out so that Spencer could raise himself up using it . He knew from conversations with him that he was good once he got up but sometimes he found himself a little weak after he 'd sat still for a while . When Spencer was on his feet , he slipped his arm to link with Aaron 's and picked up his blanket . Aaron held his free hand out but Spencer shook his head . " Be stubborn . " Aaron kissed his cheek in agreement . Spencer directed him towards his room , passing by many nurses and a few doctors . Aaron was shocked at how many looked pleased to see him with Spencer . The door opened when Spencer pushed at it and inside on his bed was a woman . " I 've already sent a nurse to pack up anything you might need today . We just need contact information for Aaron and you can go . It 's good for you to get out . Since Emily left , you 've not got out of the facility . I think that a day out with your beau is going to be a good thing . " " And Jack , " Spencer whispered as he moved over and touched Jack 's face in the picture at his bedside . Doctor Snow smiled at him before looking at Aaron . She nodded out to the hall and then walked that way . " Huh ? " Spencer looked up and Aaron pointed after Doctor Snow . " Oh , yes . Rules of what I am allowed to do and not allowed to do as well as instructions on what to do if I do any number of things . Go . " " Spencer is nearing the end of his treatment and so far his scans are good but he had a round of Chemo two days ago . He 's still a little weak from it . He gets cold easy so no matter what you are to take a coat with you . I 'm assuming that he wants to go to the street fair ? " " Because Mary has been talking about nothing but it for weeks and I knew he was interested . We were discussing getting him out to it for a day this weekend but you 've come and helped us out on that . Now Spencer knows better what to do if anything happens than a long list of things I could tell you . He 's smart and he hadn 't done a thing to compromise himself getting better but we are here for mental as well as physical health . I had to let go giving you a call two days after he got here . I don 't know what happened but the fact that he 's willing to go with you tells me that your talks on the phone have been healing that part him . So , if he wants to stay the night at the hotel , that is fine . He 'll just need to call and someone will run him his pills . We are a whole health facility and understand that sometimes getting out is the best thing . Now I don 't know the particulars and I don 't want to know but if sex is something that the two of you do , he is cleared for it , if he 's up for it . Anything extended will wear him out so don 't be freaked out if he goes to sleep afterward . " Aaron just stared as she moved away from him . He could feel his cheeks were heated and knew that he was blushing . He felt exactly like he had when he 'd gone with Haley to an appointment after Jack 's birth and her OB / GYN had cleared her for sex again . A nurse walked to him with a small backpack and went over the pills inside as well as when Spencer needed to take each one . Which ones had to be taken with food , even if it was a handful of crackers . She also told him that while his caffeine wasn 't regulated , he would get jittery with it as he was slowly being worked back into it . When he knocked on the door to Spencer 's room , he got called to come in and found Spencer sitting on the bed in the corner . He was dressed in slacks and a polo shirt . Aaron could tell that the shirt was smaller than the size he 'd worn before . He could see now exactly how small he was . His love was looking down at his hands , rubbing the palms of his hands together . He was nervous . Aaron stepped over to him and set the bag down before crouching again . When he was down on his knees , Spencer looked up at him . He smiled but it was weak . " You are so beautiful , " Aaron said . He laid both of his hands on Spencer 's knees before trailing them up his thighs . He gripped his waist and pulled him closer to him . Spencer spread his legs so that Aaron slid into the V of them . He nosed in at his neck and then back to his ear . " So beautiful . You are never not beautiful to me . You 've been fighting a sickness that is hard and your thinness means nothing to me . " " Aaron , " Spencer said but his voice was fond . Aaron pulled him totally off the bed and into his lap . He wasn 't going to do a thing in the facility but he could show him that he was wanted , was loved . " Aaron ? " " I love you . I want you . " Aaron pulled their groins in closer . Spencer 's eyes widened as Aaron 's hardness pressed into him . " You are lacking in no way , love . Now please , let 's go make Jack a very happy boy . " " I don 't expect anything , Spencer . I 'm just showing you that I don 't care about what you look like . I don 't love you for your body . I love you for the person you are . " Aaron slipped his hand under the polo shirt , pulling it from his pants . He ran his hand over Spencer 's stomach and up to his ribs . " This doesn 't matter to me . Your health does . When you come home , we will work on getting you up to weight when you are totally off your Chemo . " Spencer cupped the sides of Aaron 's face and pulled him in for a chaste kiss . Aaron could feel his body trembling . Aaron wrapped his arms around him . He held him close . He settled back onto his butt to be able to support Spencer better . " I know . The rest of the team is working at the academy . Extra classes and in depth looks at UnSubs . Jack and I are here until you go home . " " I wasn 't there and I should have been . I was truthful that I can 't make it up but I can try my hardest by being here . I gave you the time and space you wanted and I didn 't lie . I 'm not going to force myself on you . Even if after today , all we do is talk on the phone , I 'm staying here . I 'll be a phone call and a short drive away . I was a poor lover , an even worse boss , and the absolute worst friend in the world . I didn 't see any of it . You and Jack are my world and I did a piss poor job of showing you that . You know my reasons as weak as they are , I was only thinking of her and keeping her safe . I didn 't see that I was losing you . " " Yes . " Spencer tipped his head up to look him in the eye . " I can 't heal with anger and resentment in me . I can 't take the two sides of my heart waring inside me anymore . I forgave you weeks ago . You don 't need to wait on me hand and foot . Show your forgiveness by being here when I need you . By loving me . " " No . Only I can grant you forgiveness and you have to take it . That is the way it works . " Spencer kissed him again and Aaron could feel his own tears as well as Spencer 's on their lips . There was something anticlimactic about coming home after a month and finding nothing changed . His apartment was the same . Jessica had come back after a week in California and had been taking care of his place . Spencer was resting on the couch while Jack unpacked his clothes and putting the dirty ones in the hamper and his clean ones were being put up . Aaron had already taken care of his own clothes as well as Spencer 's . Aaron was back to work the next day . " Sure . I 'll run to the store and get what we need as soon as I get everything unpacked . Do you want to stay with Spencer or come with me ? " " I 'll stay with Spencer . " Jack called out from the laundry room . It was several minutes before the boy came back out with his empty hamper . Aaron worked for another half an hour before he thought he 'd done enough work to be able to stop . The trip to the store took only a half an hour and then he was coming back into his apartment . Spencer was still napping on the couch . He was near waking though . Aaron got out the crock pot and set it to low while he browned the meat . He added the mix that Spencer had made up to the water in the pot . He worked on peeling two onions and setting them in with the broth . The rest of it came easy . The smell of the stew is what finally woke Spencer up . The flight home had been hard on him . Aaron had watched him getting stronger over the month though . It would take time to get him back up to where he could pass the requirements to be a field agent again but Aaron was sure that he 'd be good for desk work . He 'd talk Strauss into letting him come on cases as long as he stayed at the stations . It would help him more than just sitting at a desk . Working on his body but letting his mind atrophy wasn 't going to help him at all . " Aaron ? " Spencer called out as he stepped into the kitchen area . He smiled as his gaze fell on Aaron . " I thought I was dreaming beef stew . " " No . Not for another two weeks , I 'll see the same doctor here who diagnosed me . And he 'll decide if I am ready or not . " " I don 't want you going back to an apartment , " Aaron said bluntly . Spencer looked up at him . His eyes were clear even though he had just woke up . " Aaron , " Spencer started but Aaron stepped up and silenced him with a kiss . He 'd been touching Spencer in the past month . Little brushes of fingers over neck , over his hands , over wherever he could touch . It had never been like that with Haley . He knew that he 'd never settle being alone in bed at the apartment without him there . He thought about his surprise . After dinner he 'd show it to him . When he pulled back , Spencer looked at him with a sharp eye . " I have to live somewhere . " " I know . I was thinking with me and Jack . I know you are allowed to live alone but I … I don 't want to be away from you unless I have to be . " Aaron cupped his face and made Spencer look at him . He kissed the younger man 's forehead reverently . " I love you so much and I know that you are still hesitant and I understand but I don 't want to sleep in a bed without you in it unless we are one a case . I want to wake up and know that if I stretch my hand out , I 'll feel you . I want Jack to be able to run into the room and jump down into bed and cuddle when he wants to on the weekends . " " Aaron . " Spencer looked on the verge of tears . He tipped his head forward and started to rub his nose on Aaron 's shoulder . Aaron just wrapped his arms around his back , holding him close . Maybe the surprise would be better before dinner . He waited until Spencer laid the side of his face against his shoulder before he tilted his face up to kiss him . " A surprise ? " Spencer asked just as Jack came into the room . He looked up at his dad and when Aaron nodded , Jack took off towards the front door , grabbing their coats . He slipped his on quickly before bringing in Aaron and Spencer 's . " So Jack knows what this surprise is . " " Yes . I … " Aaron looked at Spencer and wondered exactly how well blindfolding him was going to go over . One of the first time that Aaron had ever covered his eyes while walking him to the bedroom to surprise him with a candlelit romantic room , he 'd freaked out a little bit . " If you promise to not look , you can close your eyes . " " If you 'll feel better we can try a blindfold . " Spencer looked unsure but resolute . Aaron looked at him for a few seconds before he moved to his bedroom and grabbed a tie off his tie rack in the closet . He held up the tie for Spencer to see . It was silk and was one of Aaron 's favorites , but what made it that wasn 't the fact that Spencer had bought it for him , that was only a small part of it . What the best part was , Spencer had used it before to jack him off , to gag him one night the first time that Spencer had rimmed him , and even tied his hands to the headboard and ride him until they both came . It was nothing but good memories for them . Spencer nodded at the makeshift blindfold . Spencer played with the tie in his hands as he sat down in Aaron 's car . Jack was happily buckling himself into the backseat , so excited he was bouncing . He wondered what this surprise was . He looked at Aaron as he got into the car . There was worry in every line of his body . He was worried about what Spencer 's reaction was going to be to his surprise . He handed over the tie when Aaron held his hand out and allowed the older man to tie it around his eyes . Once it was tied and he couldn 't see , Spencer buckled himself into the seat . Aaron would never humiliate him . He 'd never do what had been done to him in high school . Still , Spencer wanted the feel of Aaron 's hand in his . To reassure himself . Aaron put the car in gear , Spencer could hear the man as he moved his hands around from gearshift to steering wheel and back again to put it into forward . As soon as they cleared the parking garage , Spencer felt a hand settled over his on his thigh . He felt it squeeze and he squeezed the fingers that were on the underside of his palm . " It 's not that long of a trip . I promise . Just focus on the turns and see if you can figure out where we are going . " " I know we are going to the residential area of this part of town . Where the bigger houses are . Aaron ? " Spencer felt his heart start to race . Moving into an apartment with Aaron was one thing . But a house ? Was he ready for that ? He was still so hesitant around him . He 'd been there for him over the month in California but now they were back to reality . There was a difference . Was he going to be able to handle it if Aaron pulled away again if they had a house ? Spencer was so lost in thought that he got lost in his mind . When the car stopped , Spencer had no clue where they were . Aaron got out of the driver 's seat and Spencer heard Jack getting out as well . " Curb . " Aaron slipped his foot under Spencer 's to show him how high the curb was . He stepped up and allowed Aaron to lead him to the sidewalk . " Are you ready ? " Spencer nodded and waited . Aaron settled at his back , pressed close . He felt the knot loosen and prepared himself for whatever was in front of him . He looked at the house . It was a three story , brick Victorian house . It was perfect . He looked for the for sale sign but it wasn 't there . He turned to look at him . " You bought it already ? " " Yes . Months ago . I 've already furnished it . It 's ready to move into . The third floor is two guest rooms and a game room for Jack . The second floor is a library and our bedroom and Jack 's . The library is already filled with your books and some first editions I found . All the ones you 've wanted . There is a nice sized living room , a kitchen with dining area . There is a sunroom . I was thinking that for a while you can spend time in there relaxing . We have an office . The basement is finished and I was thinking a den could be set up . For us and Jack can watch movies with friends . " Aaron wrapped his arms around Spencer , holding him even closer . " The backyard is beautiful . We can work on getting it all set up . We can move in whenever . I can see us happy here . Forever . Because that is what I want . Forever . " " We can go and pack up clothes , eat dinner and then come back . We 've not stayed the night . We wanted to do that with you . " " Sounds heavenly . " Spencer looked at the house and felt not just happy for the first time in his life but content to . With Aaron and Jack , he had a family . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . Ladyholder . comWhere imagination runs free and fun is had by allCooking in the ArchivesUpdating Early Modern Recipes ( 1600 - 1800 ) in a Modern KitchenSkylar JayeGay Romance and Erotica AuthorPROMPTUARIUMthe writers store roomboffin1710All the nills in the binary code , and the subtle curve of a complicated function graphic . 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The place on the east coast which the reader is asked to consider is Seaburgh . It is not very different now from what I remember it to have been when I was a child . Marshes intersected by dykes to the south , recalling the early chapters of Great Expectations ; flat fields to the north , merging into heath ; heath , fir woods , and , above all , gorse , inland . A long sea - front and a street : behind that a spacious church of flint , with a broad , solid western tower and a peal of six bells . How well I remember their sound on a hot Sunday in August , as our party went slowly up the white , dusty slope of road towards them , for the church stands at the top of a short , steep incline . They rang with a flat clacking sort of sound on those hot days , but when the air was softer they were mellower too . The railway ran down to its little terminus farther along the same road . There was a gay white windmill just before you came to the station , and another down near the shingle at the south end the town , and yet others on higher ground to the north . There were cottages of bright red brick with slate roofs . . . but why do I encumber you with these commonplace details ? The fact is that they come crowding to the point of the pencil when it begins to write of Seaburgh . I should like to be sure that I had allowed the right ones to get on to the paper . But I forgot . I have not quite done with the word - painting business yet . Walk away from the sea and the town , pass the station , and turn up the road on the right . It is a sandy road , parallel with the railway , and if you follow it , it climbs to somewhat higher ground . On your left ( you are now going northward ) is heath , on your right ( the side towards the sea ) is a belt of old firs , wind - beaten , thick at the top , with the slope that old seaside trees have ; seen on the skyline from the train they would tell you in an instant , if you did not know it , that you were approaching a windy coast . Well , at the top of my little hill , a line of these firs strikes out and runs towards the sea , for there is a ridge that goes that way ; and the ridge ends in a rather well - defined mound commanding the level fields of rough grass , and a little knot of fir trees crowns it . And here you may sit on a hot spring day , very well content to look at blue sea , white windmills , red cottages , bright green grass , church tower , and distant martello tower on the south . As I have said , I began to know Seaburgh as a child ; but a gap of a good many years separates my early knowledge from that which is more recent . Still it keeps its place in my affections , and any tales of it that I pick up have an interest for me . One such tale is this : it came to me in a place very remote from Seaburgh , and quite accidentally , from a man whom I had been able to oblige - enough in his opinion to justify his making me his confidant to this extent . I know all that country more or less ( he said ) . I used to go to Scaburgh pretty regularly for golf in the spring . I generally put up at the ' Bear ' , with a friend - Henry Long it was , you knew him perhaps - ( ' Slightly , ' I said ) and we used to take a sitting - room and be very happy there . Since he died I haven 't cared to go there . And I don 't know that I should anyhow after the particular thing that happened on our last visit . It was in April , 19 - , we were there , and by some chance we were almost the only people in the hotel . So the ordinary public rooms were practically empty , and we were the more surprised when , after dinner , our sitting - room door opened , and a young man put his head in . We were aware of this young man . He was rather a rabbity anaemic subject - light hair and light eyes - but not unpleasing . So when he said : ' I beg your pardon , is this a private room ? ' we did not growl and say : ' Yes , it is , ' but Long said , or I did - no matter which : ' Please come in . ' ' Oh , may I ? ' he said , and seemed relieved . Of course it was obvious that he wanted company ; and as he was a reasonable kind of person - not the sort to bestow his whole family history on you - we urged him to make himself at home . ' I dare say you find the other rooms rather bleak , ' I said . Yes , he did : but it was really too good of us , and so on . That being got over , he made some pretence of reading a book . Long was playing Patience , I was writing . It became plain to me after a few minutes that this visitor of ours was in rather a state of fidgets or nerves , which communicated itself to me , and so I put away my writing and turned to at engaging him in talk . After some remarks , which I forget , he became rather confidential . ' You 'll think it very odd of me ' ( this was the sort of way he began ) , ' but the fact is I 've had something of a shock . ' Well , I recommended a drink of some cheering kind , and we had it . The waiter coming in made an interruption ( and I thought our young man seemed very jumpy when the door opened ) , but after a while he got back to his woes again . There was nobody he knew in the place , and he did happen to know who we both were ( it turned out there was some common acquaintance in town ) , and really he did want a word of advice , if we didn 't mind . Of course we both said : ' By all means , ' or ' Not at all , ' and Long put away his cards . And we settled down to hear what his difficulty was . ' It began , ' he said , ' more than a week ago , when I bicycled over to Froston , only about five or six miles , to see the church ; I 'm very much interested in architecture , and it 's got one of those pretty porches with niches and shields . I took a photograph of it , and then an old man who was tidying up in the churchyard came and asked if I 'd care to look into the church . I said yes , and he produced a key and let me in . There wasn 't much inside , but I told him it was a nice little church , and he kept it very clean , " But , " I said , " the porch is the best part of it . " We were just outside the porch then , and he said , " Ah , yes , that is a nice porch ; and do you know , sir , what 's the meanin ' of that coat of arms there ? " ' " Well , then , " he said , " for all you 're a scholard , I can tell you something you don 't know . Them 's the three ' oly crowns what was buried in the ground near by the coast to keep the Germans from landing - ah , I can see you don 't believe that . But I tell you , if it hadn 't have been for one of them ' oly crowns bein ' there still , them Germans would a landed here time and again , they would . Landed with their ships , and killed man , woman and child in their beds . Now then , that 's the truth what I 'm telling you , that is ; and if you don 't believe me , you ast the rector . There he comes : you ast him , I says . " ' Then I put in a word to say how much I should like to hear all about it , and before many minutes I was walking up the village street with the rector , who had one or two words to say to parishioners , and then to the rectory , where he took me into his study . He had made out , on the way , that I really was capable of taking an intelligent interest in a piece of folklore , and not quite the ordinary tripper . So he was very willing to talk , and it is rather surprising to me that the particular legend he told me has not made its way into print before . His account of it was this : " There has always been a belief in these parts in the three holy crowns . The old people say they were buried in different places near the coast to keep off the Danes or the French or the Germans . And they say that one of the three was dug up a long time ago , and another has disappeared by the encroaching of the sea , and one 's still left doing its work , keeping off invaders . Well , now , if you have read the ordinary guides and histories of this county , you will remember perhaps that in 1687 a crown , which was said to be the crown of Redwald , King of the East Angles , was dug up at Rendlesham , and alas ! alas ! melted down before it was even properly described or drawn . Well , Rendlesham isn 't on the coast , but it isn 't so very far inland , and it 's on a very important line of access . And I believe that is the crown which the people mean when they say that one has been dug up . Then on the south you don 't want me to tell you where there was a Saxon royal palace which is now under the sea , eh ? Well , there was the second crown , I take it . And up beyond these two , they say , lies the third . " ' " To be sure , " he said , " now that 's another curious story . These Agers it 's a very old name in these parts , but I can 't find that they were ever people of quality or big owners these Agers say , or said , that their branch of the family were the guardians of the last crown . A certain old Nathaniel Ager was the first one I knew - I was born and brought up quite near here - and he , I believe , camped out at the place during the whole of the war of 1870 . William , his son , did the same , I know , during the South African War . And young William , his son , who has only died fairly recently , took lodgings at the cottage nearest the spot ; and I 've no doubt hastened his end , for he was a consumptive , by exposure and night watching . And he was the last of that branch . It was a dreadful grief to him to think that he was the last , but he could do nothing , the only relations at all near to him were in the colonies . I wrote letters for him to them imploring them to come over on business very important to the family , but there has been no answer . So the last of the holy crowns , if it 's there , has no guardian now . " ' That was what the rector told me , and you can fancy how interesting I found it . The only thing I could think of when I left him was how to hit upon the spot where the crown was supposed to be . I wish I 'd left it alone . ' But there was a sort of fate in it , for as I bicycled back past the churchyard wall my eye caught a fairly new gravestone , and on it was the name of William Ager . Of course I got off and read it . It said " of this parish , died at Seaburgh , 19 - , aged 28 . " ' There it was , you see . A little judicious questioning in the right place , and I should at least find the cottage nearest the spot . Only I didn 't quite know what was the right place to begin my questioning at . Again there was fate : it took me to the curiosity - shop down that way - you know - and I turned over some old books , and , if you please , one was a prayer - book of 1740 odd , in a rather handsome binding - I 'll just go and get it , it 's in my room . ' ' You see , ' he said , ' anybody would call it the greatest bit of luck . I did , but I don 't now . Of course I asked the shopman about William Ager , and of course he happened to remember that he lodged in a cottage in the North Field and died there . This was just chalking the road for me . I knew which the cottage must be : there is only one sizable one about there . The next thing was to scrape some sort of acquaintance with the people , and I took a walk that way at once . A dog did the business for me : he made at me so fiercely that they had to run out and beat him off , and then naturally begged my pardon , and we got into talk . I had only to bring up Ager 's name , and pretend I knew , or thought I knew something of him , and then the woman said how sad it was him dying so young , and she was sure it came of him spending the night out of doors in the cold weather . Then I had to say : " Did he go out on the sea at night ? " and she said : " Oh , no , it was on the hillock yonder with the trees on it . " And there I was . ' I know something about digging in these barrows : I 've opened many of them in the down country . But that was with owner 's leave , and in broad daylight and with men to help . I had to prospect very carefully here before I put a spade in : I couldn 't trench across the mound , and with those old firs growing there I knew there would be awkward tree roots . Still the soil was very light and sandy and easy , and there was a rabbit hole or so that might be developed into a sort of tunnel . The going out and coming back at odd hours to the hotel was going to be the awkward part . When I made up my mind about the way to excavate I told the people that I was called away for a night , and I spent it out there . I made my tunnel : I won 't bore you with the details of how I supported it and filled it in when I 'd done , but the main thing is that I got the crown . ' Naturally we both broke out into exclamations of surprise and interest . I for one had long known about the finding of the crown at Rendlesham and had often lamented its fate . No one has ever seen an Anglo - Saxon crown - at least no one had . But our man gazed at us with a rueful eye . ' Yes , ' he said , ' and the worst of it is I don 't know how to put it back . ' ' Put it back ? ' we cried out . ' Why , my dear sir , you 've made one of the most exciting finds ever heard of in this country . Of course it ought to go to the Jewel Houise at the Tower . What 's your difficulty ? If you 're thinking about the owner of the land , and treasure - trove , and all that , we can certainly help you through . Nobody 's going to make a fuss about technicalities in a case of this kind . ' At last Long said : ' You 'll forgive me , I hope , if I seem impertinent , but are you quite sure you 've got it ? ' I was wanting to ask much the same question myself , for of course the story did seem a lunatic 's dream when one thought over it . But I hadn 't quite dared to say what might hurt the poor young man 's feelings . However , he took it quite calmly - really , with the calm of despair , you might say . He sat up and said : ' Oh , yes , there 's no doubt of that : I have it here , in my room , locked up in my bag . You can come and look at it if you like : I won 't offer to bring it here . ' We were not likely to let the chance slip . We went with him ; his room was only a few doors off . The boots was just collecting shoes in the passage : or so we thought : afterwards we were not sure . Our visitor - his name was Parton - was in a worse state of shivers than before , and went hurriedly into the room , and beckoned us after him , turned on the light , and shut the door carefully . Then he unlocked his kit - bag , and produced a bundle of clean pocket - handkerchiefs in which something was wrapped , laid it on the bed , and undid it . I can now say I have seen an actual Anglo - Saxon crown . It was of silver - as the Rendlesham one is always said to have been - it was set with some gems , mostly antique intaglios and cameos , and was of rather plain , almost rough workmanship . In fact , it was like those you see on the coins and in the manuscripts . I found no reason to think it was later than the ninth century . I was intensely interested , of course , and I wanted to turn it over in my hands , but Paxton prevented me . ' Don 't you touch it , ' he said , ' I 'll do that . ' And with a sigh that was , I declare to you , dreadful to hear , he took it up and turned it about so that we could see every part of it . ' Seen enough ? ' he said at last , and we nodded . He wrapped it up and locked it in his bag , and stood looking at us dumbly . ' Come back to our room , ' Long said , ' and tell us what the trouble is . ' He thanked us , and said : ' Will you go first and see if - if the coast is clear ? ' That wasn 't very intelligible , for our proceedings hadn 't been , after all , very suspicious , and the hotel , as I said , was practically empty . However , we were beginning to have inklings of - we didn 't know what , and anyhow nerves are infectious . So we did go , first peering out as we opened the door , and fancying ( I found we both had the fancy ) that a shadow , or more than a shadow - but it made no sound - passed from before us to one side as we came out into the passage . ' It 's all right , ' we whispered to Paxton ' What is to be done ? ' was his opening . L ng thought it right ( as he explained to me afterwards ) to be obtuse , and said : ' Why not find out who the owner of the land is , and inform - ' Oh , no , no ! ' P xton broke in impatiently , ' I beg your pardon : you 've been very kind , but don 't you see it 's got to go back , and I daren 't be there at night , and daytime 's impossible . P rhaps , though , you don 't see : well , then , the truth is that I 've never been alone since I touched it . ' I was beginning some fairly stupid comment , but Long caught my eye , and I stopped . L ng said : ' I think I do see , perhaps : but wouldn 't it be a relief - to tell us a little more clearly what the situation is ? ' Then it all came out : Paxton looked over his shoulder and beckoned to us to come nearer to him , and began speaking in a low voice : we listened most intently , of course , and compared notes afterwards , and I wrote down our version , so I am confident I have what he told us almost word for word . He said : ' It began when I was first prospecting , and put me off again and again . There was always somebody - a man - standing by one of the firs . This was in daylight , you know . He was never in front of me . I always saw him with the tail of my eye on the left or the right , and he was never there when I looked straight for him . I would lie down for quite a long time and take careful observations , and make sure there was no one , and then when I got up and began prospecting again , there he was . And he began to give me hints , besides ; for wherever I put that prayer - book - short of locking it up , which I did at last - when I came back to my loom it was always out on my table open at the fly - leaf where the names are , and one of my razors across it to keep it open . I 'm sure he just can 't open my bag , or something more would have happened . You see , he 's light and weak , but all the same I daren 't face him . Well , then , when I was making the tunnel , of course it was worse , and if I hadn 't been so keen I should have dropped the whole thing and run . It was like someone scraping at my back all the time : I thought for a long time it was only soil dropping on me , but as I got nearer the - the crown , it was unmistakable . And when I actually laid it bare and got my fingers into the ring of it and pulled it out , there came a sort of cry behind me - oh , I can 't tell you how desolate it was ! And horribly threatening too . It spoilt all my pleasure in my find - cut it off that moment . And if I hadn 't been the wretched fool I am , I should have put the thing back and left it . But I didn 't . The rest of the time was just awful . I had hours to get through before I could decently come back to the hotel . First I spent time We didn 't know what to say , but we felt we must come to the rescue somehow , and so - it really seemed the only thing - we said if he was so set on putting the crown back in its place , we would help him . And I must say that after what we had heard it did seem the right thing . If these horrid consequences had come on this poor man , might there not really be something in the original idea of the crown having some curious power bound up with it , to guard the coast ? At least , that was my feeling , and I think it was Long 's too . Our offer was very welcome to Paxton , anyhow . When could we do it ? It was nearing half - past ten . Could we contrive to make a late walk plausible to the hotel people that very night ? We looked out of the window : there was a brilliant full moon - the Paschal moon . Long undertook to tackle the boots and propitiate him . He was to say that we should not be much over the hour , and if we did find it so pleasant that we stopped out a bit longer we would see that he didn 't lose by sitting up . Well , we were pretty regular customers of the hotel , and did not give much trouble , and were considered by the servants to be not under the mark in the way of tips ; and so the boots was propitiated , and let us out on to the sea - front , and remained , as we heard later , looking after us . Paxton had a large coat over his arm , under which was the wrapped - up crown . So we were off on this strange errand before we had time to think how very much out of the way it was . I have told this part quite shortly on purpose , for it really does represent the haste with which we settled our plan and took action . ' The shortest way is up the hill and through the churchyard , ' Paxton said , as we stood a moment before , the hotel looking up and down the front . There was nobody about - nobody at all . Seaburgh out of the season is an early , quiet place . ' We can 't go along the dyke by the cottage , because of the dog , ' Paxton also said , when I pointed to what I thought a shorter way along the front and across two fields . The reason he gave was good enough . We went up the road to the church , and turned in at the churchyard gate . I confess to having thought that there might be some one lying there who might be conscious of our business : but if it was so , they were also conscious that one who was on their side , so to say , had us under surveillance , and we saw no sign of them . But under observation we felt we were , as I have never felt it at another time . Specially was it so when we passed out of the churchyard into a narrow path with close high hedges , through which we hurried as Christian did through that Valley ; and so got out into open fields . Then along hedges , though I world sooner have been in the open , where I could see if anyone was visible behind me ; over a gate or two , and then a swerve to the left , taking us up on to the ridge which ended in that mound . As we neared it , Henry Long felt , and I felt too , that there were what I can only call dim presences waiting for us , as well as a far more actual one attending us . Of Paxton 's agitation all this time I can give you no adequate picture : he breathed like a hunted beast , and we could not either of us look at his face . How he would manage when we got to the very place we had not troubled to think : he had seemed so sure that that would not be difficult . Nor was it . I never saw anything like the dash with which he flung himself at a particular spot in the side of the mound , and tore at it , so that in a very few minutes the greater part of his body was out of sight . We stood holding the coat and that bundle of handkerchiefs , and looking , very fearfully , I must admit , about us . There was nothing to be seen : a line of dark firs behind us made one skyline , more trees and the church tower half a mile off on the right , cottages and a windmill on the horizon on the left , calm sea dead in front , faint barking of a dog at a cottage on a gleaming dyke between us and it : full moon making that path we know across the sea : the eternal whisper of the Scotch firs just above us , and of the sea in front . Yet , in all this quiet , an acute , an acrid consciousness of a restrained hostility very near us , like a dog on a leash that might be let go at any moment . Paxton pulled himself out of the hole , and stretched a hand back to us . ' Give it to me , ' he whispered , ' unwrapped . ' We pulled off the handkerchiefs , and he took the crown . The moonlight just fell on it as he snatched it . We had not ourselves touched that bit of metal , and I have thought since that it was just as well . In another moment Paxton was out of the hole again and busy shovelling back the soil with hands that were already bleeding He would have none of our help though It was much the longest part of the job to get the place to look undisturbed yet - I don 't know how - he made a wonderful success of it . At last he was satisfied and we turned back . We were a couple of hundred yards from the hill when Long suddenly said to him : ' I say you 've left your coat there . That won 't do . See ? ' And I certainly did see it - the long dark overcoat lying where the tunnel had been . Paxton had not stopped , however : he only shook his head , and held up the coat on his arm . And when we joined him , he said , without any excitement , but as if nothing mattered any more : ' That wasn 't my coat . ' And , indeed , when we looked back again , that dark thing was not to be seen . Well , we got out on to the road , and came rapidly back that way . It was well before twelve when we got in , trying to put a good face on it , and saying - Long and I - what a lovely night it was for a walk . The boots was on the look - out for us , and we made remarks like that for his edification as we entered the hotel . He gave another look up and down the sea - front before he locked the front door , and said : ' You didn 't meet many people about , I s ' pose , sir ? ' ' No , indeed , not a soul , ' I said ; at which I remember Paxton looked oddly at me . ' Only I thought I see someone turn up the station road after you gentlemen , ' said the boots . ' Still , you was three together , and I don 't suppose he meant mischief . ' I didn 't know what to say ; Long merely said ' Good night , ' and we went off upstairs , promising to turn out all lights , and to go to bed in a few minutes . Back in our room , we did our very best to make Paxton take a cheerful view . There 's the crown safe back , ' we said ; ' very likely you 'd have done better not to touch it ' ( and he heavily assented to that ) , ' but no real harm has been done , and we shall never give this away to anyone who would be so mad as to go near it . Besides , don 't you feel better yourself ? I don 't mind confessing , ' I said , ' that on the way there I was very much inclined to take your view about - well , about being followed ; but going back , it wasn 't at all the same thing , was it ? ' No , it wouldn 't do : ' You 've nothing to trouble yourselves about , ' he said , ' but I 'm not forgiven . I 've got to pay for that miserable sacrilege still . I know what you are going to say . The Church might help . Yes , but it 's the body that has to suffer . It 's true I 'm not feeling that he 's waiting outside for me just now . But - ' Then he stopped . Then he turned to thanking us , and we put him off as soon as we could . And naturally we pressed him to use our sitting - room next day , and said we should be glad to go out with him . Or did he play golf , perhaps ? Yes , he did , but he didn 't think he should care about that tomorrow . Well , we recommended him to get up late and sit in our room in the morning while we were playing , and we would have a walk later in the day . He was very submissive and piano about it all : ready to do just what we thought best , but clearly quite certain in his own mind that what was coming could not be averted or palliated . You 'll wonder why we didn 't insist on accompanying him to his home and seeing him safe into the care of brothers or someone . The fact was he had nobody . He had had a flat in town , but lately he had made up his mind to settle for a time in Sweden , and he had dismantled his flat and shipped off his belongings , and was whiling away a fortnight or three weeks before he made a start . Anyhow , we didn 't see what we could do better than sleep on it - or not sleep very much , as was my caseWe felt very different , Long and I , on as beautiful an April morning as you could desire ; and Paxton also looked very different when we saw him at breakfast . ' The first approach to a decent night I seem ever to have had , ' was what he said . But he was going to do as we had settled : stay in probably all the morning , and come out with us later . We went to the links ; we met some other men and played with them in the morning , and had lunch there rather early , so as not to be late back . All the same , the snares of death overtook him . Whether it could have been prevented , I don 't know . I think he would have been got at somehow , do what we might . Anyhow , this is what happened . We went straight up to our room . Paxton was there , reading quite peaceably . ' Ready to come out shortly ? ' said Long , ' say in half an hour 's time ? ' ' Certainly , ' he said : and I said we would change first , and perhaps have baths , and call for him in half an hour . I had my bath first , and went and lay down on my bed , and slept for about ten minutes . We came out of our rooms at the same time , and went together to the sitting - room . Paxton wasn 't there - only his book . Nor was he in his room , nor in the downstair rooms . We shouted for him . A servant came out and said : ' Why , I thought you gentlemen was gone out already , and so did the other gentleman . He heard you a - calling from the path there , and run out in a hurry , and I looked out of the coffee - room window , but I didn 't see you . ' Owever , he run off down the beach that way . ' But something in our look as we ran out must have struck the servant , for she came out on the steps , and pointed , and said , ' Yes , that 's the way he went . ' We ran on as far as the top of the shingle bank , and there pulled up . There was a choice of ways : past the houses on the sea - front , or along the sand at the bottom of the beach , which , the tide being now out , was fairly broad . Or of course we might keep along the shingle between these two tracks and have some view of both of them ; only that was heavy going . We chose the sand , for that was the loneliest , and someone might come to harm there without being seen from the public path . Long said he saw Paxton some distance ahead , running and waving his stick , as if he wanted to signal to people who were on ahead of him . I couldn 't be sure : one of these sea - mists was coming up very quickly from the south . There was someone , that 's all I could say . And there were tracks on the sand as of someone running who wore shoes ; and there were other tracks made before those - for the shoes sometimes trod in them and interfered with them - of someone not in shoes . Oh , of course , it 's only my word you 've got to take for all this : Long 's dead , we 'd no time or means to make sketches or take casts , and the next tide washed everything away . All we could do was to notice these marks as we hurried on . But there they were over and over again , and we had no doubt whatever that what we saw was the track of a bare foot , and one that showed more bones than flesh . The notion of Paxton running after - after anything like this , and supposing it to be the friends he was looking for , was very dreadful to us . You can guess what we fancied : how the thing he was following might stop suddenly and turn round on him , and what sort of face it would show , half - seen at first in the mist - which all the while was getting thicker and thicker . And as I ran on wondering how the poor wretch could have been lured into mistaking that other thing for us , I remembered his saying , ' He has some power over your eyes . ' And then I wondered what the end would be , for I had no hope now that the end could be averted , and - well , there is no need to tell all the dismal and horrid thoughts that flitted through my head as we ran on into the mist . It was uncanny , too , that the sun should still be bright in the sky and we could see nothing . We could only tell that we were now past the houses and had reached that gap there is between them and the old martello tower . When you are past the tower , you know , there is nothing but shingle for a long way - not a house , not a human creature ; just that spit of land , or rather shingle , with the river on your right and the sea on your left . But just before that , just by the martello tower , you remember there is the old battery , close to the sea . I believe there are only a few blocks of concrete left now : the rest has all been washed away , but at this time there was a lot more , though the place was a ruin . Well , when we got there , we clambered to the top as quick as we could to take breath and look over the shingle in front if by chance the mist would let us see anything . But a moment 's rest we must have . We had run a mile at least . Nothing whatever was visible ahead of us , and we were just turning by common consent to get down and run hopelessly on , when we heard what I can only call a laugh : and if you can understand what I mean by a breathless , a lungless laugh , you have it : but I don 't suppose you can . It came from below , and swerved away into the mist . That was enough . We bent over the wall . Paxton was there at the bottom . You don 't need to be told that he was dead . His tracks showed that he had run along the side of the battery , had turned sharp round the corner of it , and , small doubt of it , must have dashed straight irito the open arms of someone who was waiting there . His mouth was full of sand and stones , and his teeth and jaws were broken to bits . I only glanced once at his face . At the same moment , just as we were scrambling down from the battery to get to the body , we heard a shout , and saw a man running down the bank of the martello tower . He was the caretaker stationed there , and his keen old eyes had managed to descry through the mist that something was wrong . He had seen Paxton fall , and had seen us a moment after , running up - fortunate this , for otherwise we could hardly have escaped suspicion of being concerned in the dreadful business . Had he , we asked , caught sight of anybody attacking our friend ? He could not be sure . We sent him off for help , and stayed by the dead man till they came with the stretcher . It was then that we traced out how he had come , on the narrow fringe of sand under the battery wall . The rest was shingle , and it was hopelessly impossible to tell whither the other had gone . What were we to say at the inquest ? It was a duty , we felt , not to give up , there and then , the secret of the crown , to be published in every paper . I don 't know how much you would have told ; but what we did agree upon was this : to say that we had only made acquaintance with Paxton the day before , and that he had told us he was under some apprehension of danger at the hands of a man called William Ager . Also that we had seen some other tracks besides Paxton 's when we followed him along the beach . But of course by that time everything was gone from the sands . No one had any knowledge , fortunately , of any William Ager living in the district . The evidence of the man at the martello tower freed us from all suspicion . All that could be done was to return a verdict of wilful murder by some person or persons unknowtn .

1 : Once upon time . . . two wonderful people fell in love , got married and lived happily ever after . . . . But this is no once upon a time story . It 's a real life , true love story , and to be fair we must look at both side to fully understand the love that they have for one another and the experiences that have made them stronger , for an extremely happily forever ! ! 2 : Just returned home a few days from my mission the first part of September 1982 , I had been invited to a Young Adult activity at the Valley High Seminary building . I really didn 't want to go not knowing anyone that might be there . Wes Hoyt was the YA Rep for Orderville and knew I had just returned home so he called me and convinced me to attend . I don 't remember a great deal of what happened that evening but I do remember that it was the first time I saw K ' Lyn . I thought she was quite cute and she wasn 't afraid to play catch with a football so I thought that was pretty cool . I asked who she was and was told but sort of warned that she was Mike Skaggs girlfriend and it looked like they might get married . Now being warned about Mike wasn 't a bad thing because he was a friend from Kanab and a great guy . Any way I just forgot about it after that . When I returned home that night my mother asked me if I met any cute girls so I told her that I played catch with one but I couldn 't remember her name and she was already spoken for . As time went on I acquired a job at Kiabab Industries Trucking Inc . as parts man . The | job consisted of picking up freight for the sawmill , planer , and truck shop in Kanab and then working the afternoon shift everyday and each odd Saturday . This gave me opportunity to stop at the State Bank of Southern Utah in Kanab to draw money or deposit which ever the case might have been . I remembered the girl at the window from YA but couldn 't remember her name . One day as I was working on some personal finance things I stopped in the back and asked Rob Heaton about a loan for something . ( Ron was my former Bishop and a member of the stake presidency . ) On my way out I asked him who the girl was working the window at the bank . He told me she was K ' Lyn Heaton and that she was a great girl and then offered to introduce m ; e to her . I declined because I am so shy . By this time I had moved to Kanab first with my older brother Ed and then later with some friends , Gary Prince , Bob Brush , and Jay Swapp whose pare3 : bit . She would come with her friends up to the house or we would meet different places in town . One of the favorite places was on the triangle on Main St . in Kanab which was located on the corner in front of the old high school with Perry 's Lodge to the side . We would play hakie sack for hours making our legs stiff and sore . We even took a TV down there and watch a movie one night . Some of our events were held at the sand dunes or on the Kanab River or the Sand Caves . We always had something going on . Dragging Main was not so cool any more so we would just hang out in the stake center parking lot across from the show house and visit . . The next summer ( August ) we planned a trip to Lake Powell to go water skiing and just play around in the water . I asked K ' Lyn if she wanted to ride out with me . Honestly I can 't remember if I thought it was a date or what . We had a great time out there but everyone got sun burned really bad . I especially got it bad . I missed three days of work because my feet were swollen because of the burn and I couldn 't get shoes on . I think that is when I started actually going out with K ' Lyn . My mother was really funny about things . she always | wanted to know about the girls I was meeting or doing things with . She would ask me who their parents were and then she would tell me if I could date them or not . The reason I could or could not date them was determined b ; y how closely related we were . When I told her about K ' Lyn she thought about it quite hard and then decided that it would be OK to date her even thought we do have some common ancestors . I need to back up a little bit . When I first met K ' Lyn and couldn 't remember her name she was my friend Mike 's flame , so what happened with that ? Mike supposedly bought a ring and was going to give it to her and propose the night I first met her . I don 't know for sure if he ever did purpose , but I know they talked marriage and K ' Lyn told him that she needed to go on a mission ans she was determined to do so . Mike was pretty upset I guess so he dumpe4 : I enjoyed holding hands and waking around town with her . I did spend a lot of money on trying to win her over , flowers and such . I would take her to lunch most days . i wanted to marry her but she was still determined to go on a mission . Now the reason for this determination was a burning testimony and faith in her Patriarchal Blessing that told her she would serve a full time mission . I told her I would be willing to wait for her but I didn 't want to and she didn 't want me to . I was willing to be supportive but I really didn 't want her to go . ( Bad thinking on my part . ) We had a lot of fun together . We went deer hunting and ended up getting loads of wood instead . I remember being at her house and her mother reading Chester I Love You by Blaine and Brent Yorgesen . K ' Lyn will tell you that I kissed her in front of her house sometime that winter but I don 't remember kissing her . I remember talking about it and asking her . She thought it strange that I would ask her but we only ended up hugging . ( I save my kisses for the one . ) I don 't know exactly what happened later that next spring but I felt she just lost interest me . You could say that we broke | up in a way . We just stopped seeing each other . She went on dates with other boy 's , even went to Vegas for a few days with one . Honestly I was out of my mind not knowing how she felt about me . Looking back now I was really kind of stupid about it and jealous . I determined that if it was to be then things would work out . K ' Lyn filled out her papers along with her brother LaMar and submitted them . I did write in my journal that I had a feeling that K ' Lyn received her mission wall the day she got it and that she was called to the Australia Sydney mission . She called me and told me about it . I was probably as excited as she was . I was happy to attend the temple when she received her endowment but I was unable to attend her farewell sacrament meeting . Well then she left and went to Australia . While K ' Lyn was on her mission I lost my job at the truck shop because Kiabab was 5 : planer and onto a huge table of chains and the lumber is pulled an stacked according to it 's grade . I was started out on the cull end of the pile pulling 2X12X16 feet long . Talk about hard work . My first two days I thought they ; were just trying to make me quit but I gradually got tough enough to handle to work . When that job ended I went to work back in Fredonia pulling slick chain again . All this time I would write to K ' Lyn . I think my mother would write dutifully each month . I 'm not sure . I would write a letter and then when K ' Lyn would answer the letter then I would answer hers so they weren 't every week or day or such . Probably about every 6 weeks . I wasn 't even sure she liked me but she did answer my letters . My mother would tell me if she got a letter and I would ask her if there was anything about me in it . There usually wasn 't and that 's OK because she was focused on her mission . The winter I decided to go to school at SUSC in Cedar City , so , I did . While I was there I decided that I needed a way to pay for my education so I investigated and later joined the Utah National Gaurd . 2nd BTN 222FA or more affectionately known as the Triple Duce . My basic | Training and Advanced Individual Training took me to Fort Lronard Wood , Missouri and Fort Jackson , South Carolina . I finished trained the first part of December and returned home just before K ' Lyn and LaMar returned from their missions . While in training I continued to write to K ' Lyn and had asked her if she might be able to pick up some opal earrings for my mother so a few days after she had returned home she called and told me she had them and I could come pick them up if I wanted . I was really nervous because I sill loved her and was excited to see her but I didn 't know if she even wanted to see me . I need to set the record straight right here . It wasn 't my intention to wait for her . When K ' Lyn left on her mission I didn 't even know if she liked me . I did go on a few dates while she was gone but the girls I dated just couldn 't measure up to her so I d6 : me and I couldn 't tell if she was as excited to see me as I was to see her . Later that winter she purchased a car in St . George and had to take it back to have air conditioning put in it and needed a ride down to pick it up on day . She was working at the bank at the time . I don 't know how I got involved in going to St . George with her , but she , Jim Anderson , and I went to St . George so she could pick up her car . Talk about awkward . Jim is a great guy . We stayed late that night . K ' Lyn picked up her car and headed for home . We tried to catch her with a red flashlight . I had a hot rod Monte Carlo that would fly but we couldn 't catch her . We had a lot of fun that night and it gave me some courage . I was now working in St . George and living there with the family that I worked for . ( The Stahlieh 's ) Later I moved to an apartment in St . George . While I was there I tried to get in touch with K ' Lyn to ask her out but it seemed that we could never get on the same page . She was working in Kanab and I was in St . George and I worried that someone might move in and take away my opportunity . In February I went to AT or Active Training in Florida . We spent two weeks there . I | wait to get home ans ask K ' Lyn out . They had just told me that the National Guards annual awards banquet was in March and Retired Lt . General Maurice Watts would be the guest speaker . This is significant because he was my mission president for the last three months of my mission and was still president for most of K ' Lyn 's mission . She got to know him pretty well I guess . This gave me a great excuse to ask her out . He will never know how much he helped me out . The banquet was really nice . Pres . Watts spoke for almost an hour . I received the State Sgt . Majors Award for my service in the unit . I guess those are pretty neat to get . I don 't know if K ' Lyn was proud of me or not . That night she put her hand on my leg under the table and I was so surprised that I almost jumped up and knocked the table over , but I didn 't . I wasn 't quite sure what to do . To me hol7 : me if I would like to go to Salt Lake with her to a mission reunion and General Conference . I accepted and we went . On the way we stopped and visited my x - sister in law and her two girls , Shauna and Sam . Shauna asked me if we were going to get married and if K ' Lyn would be her new aunt . Oh , I have to mention that on the way up K ' Lyn had this rule and made it known that you had to wear a seat belt in her car . She said it like , you set in your seat and behave and I 'll set in mine and behave . Anyway we met up with her old missionary companion Kaloni and her fiancé and went to the mission reunion on Friday night . I can 't remember but I think we went up on Thursday and K ' Lyn stayed with her cousin Julie that night and then the next day I don 't know what I did or K ' Lyn for that matter . There was something to do with Kaloni 's wedding plans . I had K ' Lyn 's car because she didn 't like to drive in Salt Lake City and I had no other way to get around . We had a good time at the reunion and then went our separate ways . I dropped her off at her friend Lynette 's apartment and stayed with my sister Denise . I can 't remember what we did the next day . I think I just stayed at my | sisters place and watched General Conference . That night K ' Lyn was suppose to go to a basketball game with some guy she knew so I went to General Priesthood Meeting with Kaloni 's fiancé . K ' Lyn didn 't end up going to the game and we met up after the meeting and had dinner at a place across the street from Temple Square . That night when I took K ' Lyn to Lynette 's place there was a song on the radio that I really liked so we listened to it . It was Something Special by George Straight . We still like George a lot . That song kind of became our song . It was how I felt about K ' Lyn . When I walked her to the door I had a great idea to go up on the roof and look at the temple . When we got on the roof we couldn 't see it because of the other buildings that were there . That night I talked with my sister on how I felt about K ' Lyn . I was determined to marry her but for8 : someone or something would let me know for sure that she was the right one and for her . I know that we are not suppose to ask for signs but I desperately needed one . We went to Temple Square for the morning session of conference the next day . When we got in the Tabernacle I was able to get an aisle seat . Just down one row and across the aisle sat a woman with a couple of children visiting and I could hear their Ausie accent . i asked them where they were from and they said Newcastle . Her husband was the Newcastle Stake President and was invited to come to special meetings during conference . Later he came in and we talked . I recognized him . He was Stake President in the last area where I served in Gosford . We had a good visit then he looked at me and asked about K ' Lyn , if she was my wife . I told him not yet but that I hoped so . He said " don 't let her slip away , she 's a good one . " The feeling I had at that was overwhelming . I knew for sure what I had to do . One week later , April 12 , 1986 I had a ring and a kind of plan . K ' Lyn came to St . George and we spent the day together , or we spent the day at Uncle Carl 's house in Santa Clara . That night I had planned | to go to a movie then to to the temple visitor center and watch Uncle Ben again . I had taken the real ring from the box and put a napkin ring in there for a joke , I was going to ask her what she would do if it were real . My giving her the real ring depended upon her answer . Anyway , when we went to the movie the wind was blowing so hard the power went out . We waited for along time but it never came back on . The temple was still lit so we went over there and walked around . The visitor center was closed . There weren 't many lights . It was cold and K ' Lyn didn 't have a coat so I let her take my jacket which had the ring in the pocket . Nothing was really going right but I was determined to go through with it . I pulled out the fake right and asked her what she might do if that were a real ring . She knew something was up so she didn 't say anything and it was hard to s9 : night for a kiss and honestly , I believe that it was our first kiss ( as I remember it ) . I followed her home late that night and then went on home to Orderville . I hit a deer that night . I was really mad because it broke out the grill in the Monte Carlo . I told my mom and dad about the proposal that night and they were really excited especially my mom . ( She was worried that I would never get married and with Ed only having two children and Mary Ann only one she wouldn 't have any more grandchildren . She use to tell me that I would provide all of her grandchildren . ) The next day I was at K ' Lyn 's house to ask her father for her hand . He gave me a really good interview . He asked what my education plans were and how I planned to support a family and his daughter . Then he gave me some advice to make sure to always have family prayer . He put me right at ease with what he asked and said . It was a neat experience . We are married now so he must have given his permission and somewhere along the line K ' Lyn said " YES " ( She said " YES " in the temple . ) Best thing that has ever happened to me . 10 : ( Well , what can I say about our relationship and how it developed . I have come to realize even more that writing in a journal is so important . After looking through all the odds and ends of journals that I have written over the years , I found that I had absolutely nothing about he happening during the time just before our engagement and then through to our wedding . So all I have to say is purely from memory . ) The first time I met Ryan , was at a young adult activity that was held in Orderville . We were playing with a football , whether we were playing football or just messing around I do not know . I do remember returned from his mission and had come to join our amazing young adult group . At the time I was dating a young man kind of seriously ( I had waited for him while he served his mission , and i was having a hard time trying to figure out if pursuing a serious relationship was right or not . In fact I kind of think this particular evening was the night this young man had a ring in his car in hopes of giving it to me soon ) never the less I do remember Ryan being new at this activity . I believe it | was in the fall of 1982 . I was working at State Bank of Southern Utah in kanab and seemed to always be doing things with the young adults in our Stake . It was a lot of fun . We really had a good group coming out and had tons of fun together , Ryan became a regular attender . It was soon after the activity in Orderville that I declined to proposal form the missionary I had waited for . My heart and head could not come together , and it didn 't help that I was told in my patriarchal blessing that - - after I served a mission , I would meet a young man , also a recently returned missionary , and get married . At this point I do have a paper dated 9 / 22 / 83 ( apparently we had a real slow day at work , because this is where I wrote it ) and in it I had said that I hadn 't written for a year , since my confusion over the missionary I waited for . ANyway , in this paper I found , I wrote " but after all this happened I made my mind up to go on a11 : planning on a mission . I still am , but new problems , or tests maybe , keep arising . " . . . " I have been gong out a couple of times with this really neat guy , Ryan Hepworth , and I think I 've let myself like him a little more than I want to admit . We really have only gone on 3 or 4 official dates , but I am always up at his house . He lives with Gary Prince and Jay Swapp . They are a great bunch of guys ! But by being up there quite often and having young adults twice a week , I see him quite often . " . . . . " I started liking him , telling myself that it was just as a friend . " . . . . " Ryan took me to lunch today . We went up to the park and he had fixed BLT 's for us , they were really good ! It was , and still is a beautiful day . Everything was still outside , not too many noises . It was just a great day . When he came to pick me up he was a few minutes late , but I didn 't mind , I knew he would be here when he got through doing what he was doing . Anyway when he came in , everyone gave him a hard time . I think he was a little embarrassed . When we got out to his car he apologized for being late and said that he ad been in a hurry all morning and said that he was really nervous . I asked him asked him why he was nervous , and | he just said he was . That was it . I didn 't ask anymore questions , I just took what he said and tired to figure it out . " " We got to the park and no one else was there . It was great . We went to the far side of the park and sad at the table in the shade . We were just sitting there eating and talking , having a good time . When Ryan got through eating , I wasn 't quite through so I hurried a little faster . When I got through Ryan says , ' Tell me , what does your blessing really say about going on a mission ? ' " " It sort of surprised me , but I told him what is said . That I would be called to serve a mission and teach the gospel throughout the world and after returning from an honorable mission I would meet a young man that was also a returned missionary and would get married . I told him that it had been hard making up my mind to g12 : like that or not . Anyway he told me that he loved me and wanted to know how I felt . He said that I had his total support if I really did go on a mission , but he wanted me to be sure . This kind of took me by surprise , because we haven 't been going out all that mu ; ch or doing very much together . I told him that he ought to read that part of my blessing and see what he thinks . . . . . I told myself that nothing could make me change my mind again , that after telling 2 other guys no , that I could tell everyone else or anyone else no , too . I really can 't figure out how I really do feel inside . I know what I want and I what I should do , but at the same time it is really hard for me to tell people no , especially when I know it will hurt them . Needless to say , after all this mumble jumble , I really don 't know what to do . " Boy , was I confused or what ? I know that we continued to do things quite often , mostly as they young adult group . sometime before Christmas , Ryan and I had picked put an opal necklace for him to give his mom for Christmas . ( You need to know this for future happenings . ) I started filling out my mission papers in January of 1984 and the process had begun . | I don 't know when along the way it happened , but Ryan and I went from him wanting me to stay home so we could get married , to very seldom even talking to each other . It was crazy and a lot of nonsense went on , but in retrospect , I think things worked out kind of well . So just to go back and mention a few things we did that stand out in my mind - - I remember one time we were on a date , and for some reason I think we were headed to St . George via the sands , and a Rickky Skaggs song came on " I wouldn 't change you if I could " ( think is the name ) and Ryan made mention of it . I quite liked the song , and since songs really seem to mean something to me , I took it as he wanted me to listen to it from him . I consider it our " first song " . I also remember Ryan telling me that a song had come to his mind about me when he was talking to his mom after our first date . 13 : giving me a ride out there , but I had gone to Mt . Carmel for a wedding reception of a friend and coworker and ended up being 10 or 20 minutes late getting home to be ready to go . Ryan spent the time with m ; y dad and said that it was no problem , he didn 't mind waiting . ( is that a huge plus for the guy or what ? ) We often spent my lunch hour at the park or eating together somewhere . It seems like Ryan was taking care of parts and delivery thing at the time . He often brought me roses from a friends rose garden . Deon Button was her name , she encouraged him to do it . Ryan also spent a lot of time at my home doing things with my family . Mom use to read us stores in the evenings , two that I remember Ryan being there for were " Summer of the Monkeys " and " The Thanksgiving Promise " . There were a few times that our two families went together to get wood for the winter . That was a ton of fun . I went hunting with his family several times . I even remember making shirts for his nieces , Shawna and Samantha . He wanted to give them as gifts for their birthdays or Christmas , I 'm not sure . | I had been in his home there in Orderville several times and visited with his families . I think I had only met Ed and Marty and I thought Ed was a big flirt . ( Come to find out - he was just a real friendly fellow ) . I had fun doing things with his family when we did do things together . As time went on , Ryan and I spent less and less time together as a " couple " and there were times that I think he even avoided come to activities when he knew I was there . But the interesting thing was when my mission call came , I called him to let him know where I was going to be serving . I remember him telling me that he knew I was going to serve in the Sydney Australia Mission , because he had asked Heavenly Father that if I was determined to serve , could I please serve in the very best mission ever - - his mission - - the Australia Sydney Mission . That touched me . I was also very touched that Ryan came to the Temple the day I went through to receive my endowment I ' m14 : Just before I left for my mission , Ryan came by and gave me a beautiful opal necklace and earrings set . He also had a stuffed Koala and an Australian flag . He just wanted to give me a little something he said . I had visited with Ryan 's parents often enough , that when I went on my mission his mom wrote me once a month and sent me $ 5 with each letter . I thought that was pretty darn neat . I looked forward to getting her letters and reading the happenings of their home . I found that I especially enjoyed it when she filled me in on the things Ryan was up to . I wrote Ryan occasionally and he only wrote back after I first had written him - - I figure that was fair enough . Then one day I got a letter saying that he had joined the National Guard and I was totally bummed ! I had decided that I would never marry a service man , so I figured he was really out of the picture , which was interesting because we were not on good speaking terms when I left so I don 't know why I had that thought , but I did . It kind of broke my heart . I loved my mission and am so glad that I served . I think that Ryan wrote and asked | if I would please pick up a set of earrings for his mom that would match the necklace we had picked up for her nearly 2 years earlier . I had no problem with doing that , except that I couldn 't really remember what the necklace looked like , so I gave it my best shot . I figured that I would just bring them home with me bins it was close to me leaving and save the postage . I hadn 't really thought about getting them to him when I got home . So , when he came down to our home to pick them up that week before Christmas , I was very anxious to say the least . I don 't remember where I was , but I remember coming in the front door and Ryan was standing in the living room when I walked in and he kind of made my heart skip a beat or two when I saw him . he had no hair , and he was huge ! ( He had just barley finished basic training from National Guard , - He looked really good ! ) I got the earrings for him , we visited a bit then he was gone . ( 15 : like to go listen to my old Mission President speak . He didn 't ask if I wanted to go on a date necessarily , just to see if I wanted to hear Pres . Watts speak again . ( We shared the same mission president for a time on our missions , the end of Ryan 's and the beginning of mine . His name was Maurice L . Watts ) . Well , how do you turn down the chance to see your Pres . ? I told him that I would like to go . It was his " Military Ball " for the National Guard . Then came the stress of worrying how the ride to St . George from Fedonia was going to turn out . What would we talk about , how would I feel and act ? I was pretty nervous ! In fact I remember thinking that since Ryan had drill that weekend , I would just drive myself there and save him the trip to get me . That would solve the weirdness of the situation , but being the gentleman Ryan is , he came and got me and I sure am glad he did . I remember well the evening . I wore one of Lorel 's dresses . It was maroon and quite a pretty dress , I especially liked that I felt skinny in it . It turned out that we had plenty to talk about and enjoyed the trip very well . I remember sitting with his friends and their | dates , not knowing any of them , but enjoying the conversation anyway . I enjoyed our visit with Pres . Watts . I knew him as my mission president , everyone else in the National Guard knew and respected him as a 4 star General in the National Guard . Pretty cool huh ? During the coarse of the evening , I put my hand on Ryan 's thy ( I don 't know what possessed me to do that , especially since we hadn 't been on a date since I got home from my mission and I hadn 't left with anything going on between us one and a half years earlier ) anyway , he just about jumped out of his skin , I surprised him so much . It made me chuckle . I also found that it felt natural and sent a thrill to my heart as well . We ended up holding hands after that . We left after things wound down , but then Ryan decided he would like to go back to the armory and have our picture taken if the photographer was still there , but16 : my mission slipped away and I felt more comfortable . It was a wonderful evening ! ! I think this happened in February or March of 1986 . So things seemed to go back to the - - before everything fell apart part of our friendship - but I was still a bit preoccupied with - - whatever . We started doing more together and visiting as friends do , but didn 't really have any official dates again till later on . I had bought a car soon after I got home and had to have it in St . George for some work or something and somehow , I don 't know if I just asked , or just found out that Ryan and Jim Anderson were going to St . George the day I needed to pick it up . I think I rode with them then brought my car home . We ended up messing around for a while then I had to head back to Fredonia alone . I remember enjoying my time with the guys . It seems like Ryan and I were caught up in the game of trying to catch each other . We both wanted to pursue our friendship and see where it would take us , but we could never get together . I think he moved to St . George for a while for a job so one day I decided to stop by his place an invite him to go to the temple with me . He wasn 't | in and I was told that he had gone over to the college so I went and looked for his car . SUre enough it was there in one of the parking lots , I left a note on it saying hi and what I was doing there . ( this was before the days of cell phones ) Then I went to the temple alone . So now the ball was in his court so to speak . He would call and I would be gone doing something and when I could try to get back with him or return his call , he would be gone or busy doing something , so it goes for quite a while . I even made a cute bunny cake for Easter that year ( it was in March ) and took it to his house . No one was home so I just set it on the kitchen table . He informed ; me later that his family ate all of it and he didn 't get to see it , let alone eat any of it . . Conference was coming up , and so was our mission reunions . I was quite excited to be going to SLC , I don 't know why because I17 : was 8 years older than me , and now that he had invited ; me to go to the game I wondered if it was just because we were friends , or did he have other things in mind ? So I am all caught up in this new idea when Ryan called the house and I happened to be home one day , and in the course of conversation I invited him to come to SLC for the mission reunion with me . ( How crazy was that ? Mom wanted to know what I was thinking and I was wondering to actually . ) I was excited to be going to the jazz game with Dean Woodburry , but had just invited Ryan to ride to Salt Lake with me and to to our mission reunion together and spend the weekend there . Oh boy ! So off to SLC I head on conference weekend of 1986 and I stop in Orderville and pick Ryan up at his home there . When he gets in the car I make the comment , that " anyone in my car had to wear seat belts . " I thought that would keep us at a safe distance , haha , what a dumb rule that was I decided before we got home that weekend . Ryan even gave me a hard time about it more than once . When we got to Salt Lake Ryan was driving , I didn 't feel comfortable driving | there so I just had him drop me off where my cousin Julie Heaton was staying and I hung out with her . He took my car to his sister Denise 's and stayed there . The plan was that he would pick me up for our reunion , and I can 't remember if it was Friday night or Saturday after the priesthood meeting . Anyway , I was supposedly going to go the jazz game , yeah , that never happened . I don 't remember if it was my lack of communication or Dean 's , but in the mean time , Ryan figured he would be going to priesthood meeting where he belonged , and hopefully that would make a good impression on me . Going to the game never happened and even though I was bummed everything worked out ok . I had enjoyed my visit with my cousin and later on I stayed with one of my best friends , Lynette Sorensen . Ryan Picked me up and we went to the reunion and met up with my trainer Kay Loni Wright and her fiancé . I had a good time visiting with the missi18 : The time Kay Loni was giving me a bit of a hard time , asking if we were seriously dating , and when were we getting married , anything to make me blush . We had a fun time in spite of the harassment . After parting company with my favorite companion , Ryan took me back to Lynette 's for the night and just as we were pulling up a George Straight song came on " You 're something special to me " and Ryan said I should listen to it . We sat in the car and listened and just like the Rikki Skaggs song , I listened to it from him . I don 't recall if I had heard it before or not , but I really liked it and figured he kind of felt that way about me as the song said . So this ended up turning into " our song " as well . By now the being together was feeling pretty natural and I sure was enjoying it ! He asked if we should go to the top of Lynette 's apartment building and see if we could see the Temple , boy I thought for sure he was going to kiss me up there , and I was a bit nervous , but hopeful as well . But he didn 't . ( He missed a prime opportunity though . ) As soon as I went into Lynette 's apartment and told them that we had just been on top of her building , they asked if he kidded me , you know how girls are . | I had no news to share of the positive nature . The next morning was Sunday and we met up with Kay Loni and her fiancé again at the Tabernacle so we could attend conference . What an experience that was ! We sat on the balcony on the very end of the bench . Across the isle and down a row or two , Ryan recognized a man from Australia . He went and said hi and visited for a minute . I didn 't hear all of the conversation but Ryan came back smiling . We were sitting pretty close on the benches and I found myself enjoying his nearness . Having attended the events we had gone to Salt Lake to attend , we left early in the afternoon and headed home . Ryan did the driving , and I was sitting close and enjoying every minute of it . We stopped in Richfeild to visit with his nieces for a bit , ( Shawna and Samantha ) during our visit I remember Shawna aski19 : spent the day messing around . Grandma Cluff was down there visiting Uncle Carl and Aunt Jane , so I talked Ryan into going out to say hi . We ended up spending quite a bit of time there visiting and enjoying the Bar B - Q . They gave Ryan a hard time , probably the third degree or something . I can 't imagine Uncle Carl not giving him a hard time . Anyway we finally left and headed back into town to go to a movie , but the power had gone out so there was no movie showing . A storm had come in and it was cold and pretty windy . We drove around and ended up at the temple , their lights were on still , and walked around . Ryan let me borrow his coat because I was a bit cold , what a gentleman ! I guess I really was quite nieave about things because I really had no idea of Ryan 's intentions . We stopped and sat on the steps and chatted , then he asked me if I would be the mother of his children . Boy that took me by surprise ! He reached in his coat pocket that I was wearing and pulled out a ring box . ( I had no clue it was there ) In the box he had put one of the little god bands that you find on the thank you notes from wedding receptions . I told him I would , but hadn 't caught on to the fact that the right was | not a real one . I just thought he was very simple . Boy am I slow ! He finally showed me the real ring and it was beautiful . I couldn 't wear it because it was a bit small , but I was excited none the less . He claims that night there at the temple was the first time he kissed me . He was such a gentleman , he even asked me first if it was ok . ? I honestly think he had kissed me before my mission on my front porch . Anyway , I was in love and very excited about my future . I was going to get married ! ! I am wondering if Ryan was living in St . George at the time , because I had to drive my own car home while Ryan followed me in his . ( What a bummer , we weren 't even able to ride together . ) When I got home , ( extremely late ) , I went in and told dad and mom I was home and that Ryan had asked me to marry him , Dad said , " if that 's what you want t20 : Fedonia and Grandma Cluff was not in my ward . Her meetings were after ours , and before I found her to tell her that I was getting married , someone else had told her and she gave me a hard time . After all she had seen us just the day before at Uncle Carl 's . I had to defend myself and tell her that he hadn 't asked me yet when I saw her there . We started making plans that very afternoon at my house , trying to pick a date and everything else that goes with it . We chose August 9th to be married , and of course it would be in the St . George Temple . * after their engagement there were more happenings that K ' Lyn wrote about that are relevant to their happy forever * I found a gorgeous wedding dress in a magazine I was looking at and I tore the page out . I asked mom if she could please make that one for me . Guess what ? She did and she didn 't even have a pattern . It ended up looking exactly like the picture . It seems like after we were engaged , things started to get more trying . Little kept happening that kind of discouraged me . One of the few I remember well , was the | fact that we hadn 't bought enough of the lace material to finish my dress . When we went back to Duke 's to get more , they were sold out , and they didn 't know if they could get any more in , let alone in time for the wedding . Just as I was about to break down in tears , one of the ladies that worked there asked us exactly what it looked like , and informed us that she had bought one yard for a craft but she was willing to sell it to us . She was a life saver that day , and guess what , we used almost every bit of that yard . During the time we were engaged Ryan was working at a farm in Parowan . He wrote me often while he was there and I loved getting his letters . One day I had decided to go over and surprise him with dinner . I left after work and headed over Cedar Mountain . I made the trip safely and enjoyed the evening fixing dinner and helping him change the sprinklers . He had to do some work in the grainery and ended up getting pretty sick . He was running a high21 : what was going on . He had a young man living there helping him and Dad figured he would be ok . I appreciated Dad 's concern , but was a bit sad at the same time . It ended up being pretty late when I left , and i struggled staying awake all the way home . When I called the next day to check on him , he was feeling much better . He really appreciated the dinner and visit I had made . We had a hard time deciding where we should live , and then finding a place suitable and affordable was a challenge . We started cleaning a trailer in Orderville that Aunt Lucy told us we could rent . When we went in and looked at it , it was kind of scary . It needed a ton of cleaning up done . I think the mice had been running free for a few years at least . After cleaning a couple days there , we decided that bins I was working in Kanab , and Ryan was too that it would make more sense to look for a place down there . We approached Uncle Walter about living in his camp trailer that was parked at Grandma Cluff 's but it needed a lot of work to make it livable too . Dad finally ended up making arrangements with an older couple in | our ward who had moved to Vegas to be with their children . They let us live in their home for $ 100 a month . The home was small but kind of cute . We had to clean it up and move a bunch of their stuff out back to the shed for storage . We repainted the kitchen because it was pink and Ryan didn 't want to live with that . We were given a piece of carpet as a wedding gift and I was grateful . The rug in the bedroom was pretty nasty . When we rolled it up there were license plates nailed over holes in the floor . We borrowed a little bot belly stove from Aunt Nelda and Uncle David . It heated the home quite nicely . It was comfortable and livable and we loved it . There was one bedroom , a very small bathroom , a living room , kitchen and a storage room off the bathroom . What else could a young couple need ? ( I don 't think the whole house wasn 't much more than 500 square feet . ) It seems like we spent most of our time at my home or doing thi22 : but I didn 't feel like I was ready , and with all the reunions going on that summer , I was content to leave it where we had it . Little did I now that she probably knew it needed to be moved in order for her to attend , but she didn 't say anything more about it . I remember Ryan 's dad making comments that he probably wouldn 't be around when we got married so he didn 't care what we planned . He said just to plan what we wanted when we discussed what we should do or plan on , or anything like that . I couldn 't figure out why he would make comments like that , cuz I thought he was doing great health wise . So we ignored the thought that he thought he wouldn 't be around in August . A sit turns out , the Saturday before our wedding , Lorel went through the temple for her own endowment . Bishop Winward wanted her to be able to go to our wedding . Ryan came with us , but before he left his home that morning his mom asked him for a blessing . She hadn 't been feeling well for a while - - had been having migraine headaches that caused a lot of pain - - so Ryan happily did so . We went to St . George and enjoyed the day together . When we got back to my home , Ryan 's sister , I think , | called to talk with him . She told him that their mom had gone to the hospital in Panguitch that afternoon , and then had been life flighted to Salt Lake City . They found that she had a couple of Aneurysm 's in her brain and that was what was causing the intense pain She was in a coma at the time , Marty and Bruin were in Salt Lake with her as well as Denise . I felt so bad for Ryan , it was late and they told him to not worry about coming up at the moment . Dad and Mom convinced him to stay at our home that night so he wouldn 't be alone at his home in Orderville . The next morning things had not improved but his family still told him not to worry about coming up , and they felt that since June was in a coma , she wouldn 't know if he was there or not . Boy this was such a stressful time for us . We wondered if we should postpone our wedding so she would have time to get bett23 : and fasting and worrying . What should we do ? What could we do ? I remember feeling like things were going to be ok and that June would be with us when we were married . I did not know or even imagine that she would be with us in spirit and not in person . On Wednesday August 6th , June passed away . I was so sad ! Sad especially for Ryan , but sad too that I hadn 't listened to her asking , and moved our wedding up . I am sure I could have been ready . I hurt for Ryan not being able to see his mother before she passed away , and being alone from the rest of his family during the whole thing . He was the only child that didn 't make it to the hospital to be with the rest of them . What a sad way to start our future together . I am so grateful that I had visited a bit with June and learned some of the things Ryan liked to eat . She shared some of her recipes with me , let me know that Ryan didn 't like very spicy things . His mouth was sensitive ans spicy things bothered his tongue . That same day , June had visited with me in a pretty personable way . She told me to make sure Ryan let me live by my family . She said that when a man married , he had his wife and his job and | that he would be ok , but that the wife needed to be able to be close by her family because she needed to be able to do things with her mom and sisters . I thought that was pretty neat advice for my sake , but then I wondered if she was speaking from experience as well . Had she been lonely ? Or missed her family ? I had wanted an outdoor reception bins we were getting married in august , and Dad and Mom worked their tails off getting our back yard fixed up . I think it cost them a lot of money . I helped get the work done and it was fun , but we worked hard . We had to finish hauling lava rock to finish the back wall dad put up for the fence . That was a lot of work , but we got it hauled and I even think Ryan came with us once to gather the rock . We pained to foundation to the house , poured a cement patio in the back corner , put in a grape arbor , and planted the grass so it 24 : tables from the floral shop in Kanab , Mom had crocheted fans for the brides maids , and baskets for the center pieces . Mom also crocheted a hat for me to wear with my dress . I had learned how to arrange flowers and had the baskets all arranged . My dress was done , ( by the skin of our teeth the night before ) , Aunt Mary was making our wedding cake , awe had the refreshments taken care of and Sherri Finicum and her husband Ron were taking pictures for us . I felt like we finally had everything ready . Ryan picked me up the morning of August 9th and we headed to the temple . We were getting married ! We attended a session first , then were sealed in the room off of the celestial room . I think it was the biggest sealing room in the temple . We took pictures for a while , and then went over to the park in St . . George and had a pot luck lunch . It was just wonderful . Ryan 's mom , June , had everything all arranged and taken care of in advance . She even had had a temple quilt done for us . Everyone parted ways and headed home to be ready for the reception that evening . Ryan and I decided to drive back by way of Zion National Park and reserve a room | for that night . Little did we know that it had been raining all day in Fredonia and Kanab , and people were beginning to worry about how we would have a reception outside . I guess that the Aunts started calling to see what they could do to get things gathered up and come up with some kind of decorations for the church , but mom told them to just pray that the rain would stop . That I had my heart set on an outdoor reception and after all that had happened , we deserved to carry on as planned . Ryan and I make it to Fredonia after all the worry and concern from the others and got ready . The rain was still falling , but about five minutes before the reception was to start , the rain stopped , it cleared up and ended up being a beautiful evening . Someone had come up with a piece of carpet for us to stand on so my dress wouldn 't get wet in the grass and my heels wouldn 't sink . There were no bugs 25 : with his family , and attended the viewing . That night we stayed at Ryan 's home in Orderville so we would be there for the viewing and the funeral the next morning . I finally got to meet Ryan 's sister Mary Ann . She was living in Montana and hadn 't been home for several years . I had met Ed , Denise and Marty previously , and it was only because June passed away that I got to meet Mary Ann . It was a hard week , and an even harder weekend . The funeral was very nice , ans far as funerals area concerned , Ryan looked especially handsome in his Military Uniform . I don 't recall why he wore his uniform instead of his suit , but he did . Monday evening we opened our gifts at my home in Fredonia and Ryan 's family were there with us . We stayed in Kanab that evening then finally settled into our little green house there in Fredonia on Tuesday . Our life together hadn 't started out the best , but we had come a long way since we first met . Lots had happened but now we are married and determined to make the most of things . We have each other , our families and the gospel and things are going to be ok ! 34 : The luncheon ! ! Pot luck held in the park after the sealing of the happy couple . All of their family members and those that loved them were there to share in Ryan and K ' Lyn 's eternal bliss . 56 : Of all the desicions made in their lives , the one they made together , to get married and sealed for time and all eternity has been the best . Although it is piece of paper , it is signed by both Ryan and K ' Lyn along with a witness saying they promise to love each other forver . Thankfully they both keep their promises . . . . . . and their happy forever continues on . . . .

This story is set in the Cal Leandros universe . Although it does not feature any Cal Leandros characters , the main character of the story is mentioned by Goodfellow in Doubletake - mentioned for the very naughty thing that he did ( as Christmas is the best time for naughty things . Who wants to be nice ? ) Yeah , it sucked all right . Sure , it was only once a year , but that was one time too many . Carolers , months of Christmas music , candy canes , and all but Cindy Lou Who skipping down the sidewalk . I was seven when I knew there wasn 't a Santa anymore . I was thirteen when my sister started the whole ' is there really a Santa ' thing , and ' the kids at school say … . ' The usual stuff and that she was seven , the same age I 'd been , only made it worse . So I lied . Sure there was a Santa . And when Mom told me to take her to see store Santa , I hadn 't bitched too much . She and Dad both had to work . They worked hard . We weren 't poor , but we sure weren 't rich either . Dad was a good hunter and that put food on the table , but it didn 't pay the electric or the mortgage . Plus I remembered what it was like , how knowing had taken the magic out of Christmas . I didn 't want to admit it . I was tougher than that . I didn 't want to admit that even six years later I missed waiting to hear hoofbeats on the roof , the jingle of bells , the thump of boots hitting the bottom of our big , old fireplace . Yeah , I didn 't want to fess up to it , but it was true . Now Christmas was just another day . I wasn 't into Jesus or church , mangers or angels . You got presents and , sure , that was cool , but the excited knot in your stomach , the blankets clenched in your fists , the listening for all you were worth that Christmas Eve night . It was stupid to miss it . I was way too old for that shit . You could ask anybody . If the kids at school found out , they 'd laugh me out of class . If the teachers found out , they wouldn 't know what to think . Probably send me to the counselor for soft words , ink blots , and a note for my parents . But they didn 't know , and every teacher would tell you : I wasn 't a dreamer . No way . I was a smart - ass kid . My dad told me so , my teachers , the principal … who spent more time lecturing me than my teachers ever did . He told me at thirteen I was too young to get into trouble , to young to be cynical . And definitely too young to have such a foul mouth . Smart - assed and foul - mouthed , you 'd think there was no way I 'd get glum every Christmas , but I did . Every single one . And no matter what had happened that one particular Christmas when I was seven - the Christmas I 'd first lost the spirit , I 'd never get it back . I 'd never get a do - over . No matter how much I wanted to . Jackass , I said to my reflection in the display glass of the store . Suck it up . Get over it . You 're not seven anymore . You 're not a little kid . There are no do overs in life . I pushed the door open to the department store , the only one we had in Connor 's Way , a town so small we had two stores , three restaurants , and one stop light . It had been home since August now . It was one of those towns where everyone knew everyone and everything you did got around if you weren 't careful . I was thirteen … there were plenty of things I did I didn 't want getting around . Tessa slid her hand into mine and I grimaced . Little sisters , what a pain in the ass . Big eyes the same brown as mine looked up at me and she smiled at me with that big - brother worshipping smile . I sighed , squeezed her hand , and tugged her along . " Come on . Before the line gets too long . " She was a pain , but she was my pain and family 's what counts . Dad said that over and over again . People are people , but it 's family that counts . Along with the brown eyes she looked like me . Slightly dark skin , curly black hair . We were related all right . You could see that a mile away . Dead on our dad . " What kind of cookies should I make Santa ? " Tessa chattered . " Chocolate chip ? Peanut butter ? Oooh , Snickerdoodles . Everybody loves Snickerdoodles . Right ? You like Snickerdoodles , don 't you ? " I rolled my eyes and was thankful the line wasn 't that long . Santa was pretty much what I expected : fat enough to strain his big black belt and with a beard so fake and bushy that rats could 've nested in it . He had glasses perched on the end of his red veined nose and his lap was full of a sobbing , kicking and screaming two - year - old with a load in his plastic pull - up that had to weigh more than he did . " Then just stand beside him and tell him what you want for Christmas , " I said impatiently . " His balls could probably use the break . " Hundreds of kids slamming down on them day after day , no way I 'd want his job . Jesus . I was in for it now . " Hey , it 's your turn , " I said with relief , letting go of her hand and giving her a light shove . " Remember to hold still for the picture or Mom 'll kill me . " She moved up beside and tip - toed up to whisper in his ear . The camera flashed and even though it was a little early it did make a cute picture . Then Tessa leaned back and bounced happily in shiny patent leather shoes that went with her best red velvet dress . We all wanted something we weren 't going to get . This was Tessa 's year for disappointment . The one thing she wanted and the one thing she 'd never get . Feeling more guilty than I wanted to , I said , " You want to get a milkshake before we go home ? " Of course she did , and we went to the drug store . They had an old fashioned malt shop there . I didn 't much know or care what an old - fashioned malt shop , like the sign said , was , but they served milkshakes and that was enough for me . I had chocolate , she had strawberry and things were fine until Jed walked in . His parents had named him Jedidiah and he had a punch for anyone who called him that . It was supposed to be Biblical . I guessed it didn 't take . I slid him a careful sideways look . Cold blue eyes stared back , then he gave a half snarl , half hateful grin . Jed was fourteen , big , and a bully . Christmas might suck , but so did bullies . And Jed was of the worst kind . The worst in the school , that 's for sure . He picked on kids who were smaller and younger . He thought that made him a bad ass . It didn 't . It just made him a coward . He hadn 't messed with me yet , but it was only a matter of time . I was close to his size , but not close enough for him to pass over me . Not by a good three inches . I was husky for my age , but a little short . Yeah , he was working his way up to me . He was a coward , but he was stupid too . It wouldn 't be long before he 'd get over being careful of someone almost as heavy as him if not as tall . Between mean and stupid , stupid wins every time . Tessa and I slurped up the last of our shakes and we left . She used both hands to try and peel the plastic off her candy cane . " You 're smart , " she announced . " That mean guy doesn 't bother you . " She popped the top loop of the cane in her mouth . " Wi - ly . " She 'd just learned the word when I 'd been practicing for my spelling test and loved using it although half the time she didn 't know what it meant . I looked up from the history book I was only pretending to read . I was hungry . I didn 't concentrate so well when I was hungry . My stomach growled as I lied , " Yes , Mrs . Gibbs , I 'm paying attention . " She didn 't believe me , but the bell rang saving me and my stomach . I bolted for the cafeteria . It was burger day . Most of the kids were all about pizza day , but not me . I liked burgers and I paid for three meals to get three of them . When Mom had handed me my lunch money for the week , she 'd ruffled my hair and said I was a growing boy . I might be three inches short of Jed , but I had shot up two inches in the past month . The boys in my family might hit their growth spurts late , but when we hit them , we hit them . I was , not that I cared much about it , but Dad insisted . Our grandparents had come from Russia . Roots and all that crap . Nicky was short for Nikolai and I made damn sure no one in school knew that . " That makes you a geek . A loser . " Those eyes , pale as a snow - filled sky , stared at me . They were like the eyes of a husky , a wild one used to living on its own . Catching its own food . Killing because it could . Jeb was twisted inside , wrong . The teachers didn 't see it . They just saw parents who didn 't care , maybe some sort of learning disorder , they didn 't see what he really was , because they didn 't want to . But I saw . He was a monster . He was just a kid now maybe , but you could bet he was some kind of serial killer just waiting to grow up . But wouldn 't that be a lot of paperwork for the guidance counselor ? Why not just pass him on ? Let him be someone else 's problem . " I don 't like geeks . " He leaned forward and bared teeth too big for his mouth . " And I definitely don 't like losers . " He reached over and took one of my burgers , daring me to do something about it . But I didn 't . Not there . Dad had taught me to fight , because everyone needed to be able to take care of himself . But he 'd also taught me to never do it in public where you can get in trouble and to never hit first , at least not anyone smaller . It wouldn 't be fair and it wouldn 't be honorable . My dad believed in honor , pounded into me from the time I could crawl . You can protect yourself , you can fight - that 's the way the world was - but only the ones bigger than you . Honor was a pain in the ass sometimes , but Jed was bigger than I was . I wasn 't forgetting that . Still , there was the whole not getting into trouble thing … . Taking my burger back and smacking the son of a bitch over the head with his tray would definitely get me in trouble . So I ate my second burger and ignored him . He couldn 't start anything either . Not at school . And I knew ways home to avoid him . I 'd gotten to know the woods that stretched behind the school pretty good . Gotten detention once for skipping class to explore them more than once . I deserved a lot more punishment than I 'd gotten , but Principal Johnson took it easy on me , no matter what he thought about my smart - ass ways and foul mouth . Jed kept glaring at me while ripping into my burger with those snaggled teeth . Man , was that an orthodontist 's dream . That was a car payment and a lap dance , right there . How 'd I know about lap dances ? I had a cousin back East who had a friend and , boy , could she tell some stories . I was thinking of one of them and wishing twenty - one wasn 't so far away when Sammy made the really bad choice of sitting next to me . He couldn 't have been paying attention . Nobody sat at the same table as Jed on purpose . Sammy wasn 't a bad guy . Not too smart and called Dog Boy by most of the kids at school , but he was okay . He had four dogs , big , shaggy mutts , who followed him to and from school . I liked dogs . Jed hated them and the feeling was mutual . One look of his freaky pale blue eyes and the dogs would bark until foam flew from their muzzles before eventually turning and fleeing with tails between their legs . You know you 're a shit when even dogs didn 't like you . I kept hoping one would hump his leg or better yet piss on it , but it never happened . Probably for the best . I didn 't want to think what Jed would do if he ever caught one of those dogs . " Hey , Dog Boy , " Jed sneered . " You think I want to eat my lunch smelling you ? You stink like those damn mutts of yours . Get the hell out of here . " Sammy 's eyes widened as he realized who was sitting with me and scrambled away , his tray shaking hard enough to spill his juice . He did smell a little like dog , but , hey , we all have something . Jed was psycho and Sammy was a little doggy . I 'd take a fur - covered pair of jeans over crazy any day . But today was a day crazy didn 't seem to want to leave me alone . I 'd started on my second burger , so Jed couldn 't take that , but he did take my Jello . Cherry . It looked like fresh blood on his teeth as he wolfed it down . He narrowed his eyes at me as he licked a streak of red from his bottom lip . " You 're not afraid of me , are you , asshole ? " He leaned in , his breath hot and smelling of meat and cherry . " I 'll make you afraid . You got that ? I 'll make you so goddamn afraid you 'll piss your pants . " He snatched up his tray and stalked away . Trouble , he was big trouble . Maybe the first trouble I couldn 't get around . Crazy is crazy , and crazy never learns . He 'd keep coming and coming until he caught me or backed me in a corner . I didn 't want to be looking over my shoulder every minute . I didn 't want him watching me . I stabbed my fork in my french fries . I was going to have to do something . That something being not letting Jed beat the shit out of me and stay out of trouble . He definitely had the teeth for the nickname , but no one had ever called it to him to his face . " Nah , just my turn on his list . " Isaac frowned . His parents had come over from Mexico and he 'd already had his turn over that with Jed . " Don 't know yet . " I dropped my fork . " Guess I 'll have to think about it . Sneak through the woods home until he figures that out . " After the last class , I bolted into the woods . They were thick and deep , full of poison ivy and tangles of blackberry bushes that would tear you to pieces if you tried to push through . I managed . Scratches were scratches . They 'd fade quick enough . And I 'd avoided Jed . The next afternoon I was at the store looking for a present for Tessa . I scowled at the Santa ringing the bell by the door . One more reminder … everywhere you looked . Skinny or with sagging beards and worn black boots or faded red pants . Fakes . It made the whole season fake . But there were only two more days until Christmas Eve and I couldn 't put off shopping any more . I couldn 't get Tessa what she really wanted , so I wandered up and down the doll aisle . It was amazing . They had dolls that walked and talked , crawled and cried , ate and pooped . Why would anyone want a toy that threw up on you while you changed its diaper ? That was crazy . But Mom sent me out with a list and one of these nasty things was on it . I picked up the nearest one . It only talked and waved its arms , no puking involved . That was the one . " Playing with dollies now , " Jed purred from behind me . " Why not ? You run like a goddamn girl . You might as well play like one too . " His hand circled my arm above my elbow so hard it cut the blood off . I felt the tingle in my fingers . Jed had been behind me in the woods yesterday afternoon , but he didn 't know them like I did . He 'd come closer than I 'd have thought though . He just didn 't care . Pain was nothing to him . Diving through blackberry bushes , sliding down ravines . He was one scratched , bruised mess now , and wasn 't that too bad ? I might try and stay out of trouble but there was no way I was sorry about that . I ignored him , yanked my arm away , and took the doll to the check out counter . He followed me every step of the way . " You can 't run forever , Nicky , " he whispered . I felt the hairs on the back of my neck ruffle in the godawful stench of his breath . " No one 's every gotten away . And when I 'm done with you and you hide like a little bitch every time you see me , I 'll make your little sister sorry , too . Her and her dolly . " I 'd put it off . I 'd tried to stay out of trouble . I 'd tried not to piss off Mom and Dad . But you couldn 't let the assholes win , even crazy ones like Jed . I sat in a plastic chair by the door , eyes on the floor , until Jed gave up and left . And I never said a word to him . There were kids that hated Jed . Lots of kids . If I could get all of them to stand up to him , join together , Jed might not be as tough as he thought he was . I could give it a try , but the thing about being beaten down … it 's hard to get back up . I 'd been to four schools now , Dad 's job kept us traveling , and each school had a bully . Sometimes the bully would get caught and punished , but half the time it didn 't matter . In weeks he would go back to doing what he did . The kids wouldn 't stand up for themselves and hardly any of them would tell . They just took the bullying , sure the teachers couldn 't help them . They were right . If the principal kicked the bully out of school , then he 'd just wait outside it . I sighed . Jed damn sure seemed like he thought he was a wolf . He was nuts as they came . He 'd keep coming after me , going after the others , start messing with Tess . I folded the top of the bag the doll was in and got up . Nope , it probably wouldn 't work , no matter how many kids Jed had given reason to hate him , but I 'd give it a shot . There had to be some that 'd band together against Jed . Hell , it always worked in the movies . Isaac peered through black bangs at me in disbelief . " The guy 's not human , okay ? When he stomps you it 's like he 's never gonna stop . He could take on Frankenstein , the Mummy , and the Werewolf all at once and go out for pizza after . " Isaac was a huge fan of horror movies . He 'd seen ones made before I was born , before my parents were born . The inside of the door of his locker was covered with pictures of monsters . Snarling , crouching , flying , sucking blood . They papered every square inch . I liked Isaac but he was a little weird . " Yeah , Nicky , he is all that . He caught me in the woods and he broke my arm , okay ? And he said if I told anyone how it happened , he 'd break the other one . I believed him because he meant it . " He slammed the locker shut . " No way . Leave me out of it . He 's crazy and if you had any sense you 'd be watching behind you every minute . " With that he hurried down the hall . I gave up on Isaac and went on to Dog Boy … Sammy , I meant . Sammy . Five words out of my mouth and he was gone , fast as any of his dogs . It went that way all day . I 'd expected it , but I 'd hoped it 'd be different . Isaac had said Jed had caught him in the woods , the same ones Jed had chased me in . Jed didn 't do his fighting on campus . That 'd get him expelled and he knew it . Yeah , it would get him expelled - him , not me . It knocked him sideways , almost off the seat , but he caught himself with one hand on the table . His eyes were ice , his teeth bared , and violence shivered under his skin . " Who 's the bitch now ? " I asked quietly . " You gonna roll over and take it ? Or you gonna stand up and do something about it ? " He 'd been barely smart enough not to fight in school before , but this was a whole lot of different . As plans went it wasn 't as idiotic as it seemed . There were teachers already moving towards us . They 'd pull him off me before he got me too bad . And then out he 'd go . Maybe it 'd only be outside the school itself but that was something . He shook with black anger , but as crazy as he was , he wasn 't as stupid as I thought . I might not get expelled if there was a fight , but he knew he would . And I had a feeling his daddy would be a whole lot more disappointed than mine . I had a feeling Jed was a chip off the old block . He left the cafeteria and I sighed . Another plan shot to hell . Glumly I sat back down and waited for a teacher to come drag me off to Principal Johnson for a few weeks of detention . After a lot of clutching at his comb over of black hair and warnings on how he couldn 't cover up things like this - he simply couldn 't … he did . Like I knew he would . I was going to have to call Mom to go fetch Tessa from the bus stop and she wasn 't going to be happy at the reason why . Understanding maybe , but not happy . The same day , after two hours of detention , as I slid through the woods , I heard Jed behind me . This time was the first time I actually heard him howling with fury as he chased me . I might 've been chunky and short , but I was quick . I had hit that gym door running . Jed hadn 't been as fast . " You son of a bitch ! You son of a bitch ! Where are you ? " All that was followed by screams of rage . Incoherent animal sounds . Isaac was right . Jed did sound like a monster … a movie monster anyway . I slid under a thick overhang of dead blackberry vines and thought how I definitely hadn 't made things any better . Not to say whacking him with a tray hadn 't felt good , but it hadn 't gotten me out of the trouble I thought it would . Right . Like you could blame that kind of nuts on a little ADHD . I hugged the tree , rested my head against it and stayed there for an hour . It was cold , but I didn 't mind the cold . And it got dark , but I didn 't mind that either . As far as monsters went , Jed 's night vision must not have been too hot . He didn 't hang around . I heard his last howl nearly half mile away and then nothing again . I finally climbed down and went home to face two things a lot worse than Jed : Mom and Dad . Dad ripped me a new one over detention . It didn 't matter why I got it . Skorazys didn 't make waves , didn 't get noticed . Our grandparents and their grandparents had learned that over in Russia . Keep your head down or lose it altogether . After the yelling was over the worse came . Mom wanted me to help her and Tessa make Christmas cookies for Santa . When I wandered into the kitchen , Tess turned out to be making her Merry Christmas , Santa note in her room , all tongue and crooked crayon writing , as Mom roped me in . " You 'll have a good time , Nicky , " she said , smiling . She was a great mom , a pretty one too even with flour streaked across one cheek . Dark blond hair worn in braid just past her shoulders , violet eyes and a scar that bisected one eyebrow that only made her look curious all the time . I loved my mom . I know I was thirteen and not supposed to think things like that , but I did . But she wanted me to make cookies for Santa ? " You know there 's no Santa , Mom , " I grumped . " This whole Christmas thing , " I opened a bag of chocolate chips , " it 's a waste of time . " A spoon smacked my hand . " The holiday spirit is in your heart . It 's not about presents and shiny paper . Christmas is in you . " She poked a finger in my chest . " And Santa is everywhere you look . If only you would look . " She shook her head , smiled again , and dabbed my nose with cookie batter . I roll my eyes and wiped it off with a finger , which I licked clean . " Now , " she said firmly , " make your sister happy and help with the cookies . She 'll be out here any minute . " And it wasn 't so bad . I didn 't believe in any of it anymore , but Mom and Tess laughed . Dad came in and we ended up having a cookie batter fight . It might 've not been the real thing , but it was as close as you could get . The next day was the day before Christmas Eve , our last day of school before break . And my last day , I had a feeling , to figure things out with Jed . But first Mary Francesca tried to figure out things with me . I 'd seen her around , Mary Francesca … never just Mary or Fran … Mary Francesca . She was in some of my classes . She seemed nice , funny . She had curly red hair that fell in a mass of curls past her shoulders , bright red freckles , even brighter blue eyes and she was smart . Definitely smarter than I was . No C 's in Math for her . She didn 't have any problem . " I was wondering … . " She leaned a little closer and I could smell strawberries and cream shampoo . " I was wondering if maybe you 'd want to go to the Christmas dance with me ? " I felt crushing disappointment and utter relief all at the same time . On one hand I wouldn 't have to worry about clothes and flowers and talking and dancing . I 'd seen what they did on MTV . No way I could do that and not get a boner right on the floor . Not that it mattered how funny or smart she was or that she smelled like strawberries . There was no way my parents would go for it . It went back to the bad old days when persecution was everywhere . You couldn 't trust strangers , secret police were around every corner , and you never knew who might turn you in . It was a lesson no one in the family had forgotten . We were Orthodox all the way and we didn 't date outsiders . Which was going to make finding a prom date pretty damn hard . There were lots of us in Russia , not too many here . But those were the rules . " Sorry . " I shifted my backpack from one side to another , and I really was sorry . " I have detention for two months . My parents won 't let me go anywhere . I 'm grounded , damn , forever . " She frowned in disappointment - real disappointment , which made me again think how rules sucked . " Well , okay , I get that . " Sighing , she unhooked a pin from her sweater and pinned it on mine . " Maybe by Spring Fling then . " She looked around quickly then leaned in to give me the quickest of kisses . I was wrong . It wasn 't her hair that smelled like strawberries ; it was her lip gloss . I was still tasting it as she disappeared down the hall and around the corner . Then I looked down at the pin . Santa grinned up at me , mittened hand waving automatically . Every class dragged minute by minute . No one stared at me like I was going to die , so no one knew this was the day Jed was coming after me . It didn 't matter . I knew . I passed him once in the hall and his eyes had never been paler . He didn 't grin , he didn 't smirk . He just stared , flecks of spit at the corner of his mouth . That was it . Jed had gone off the edge and there was no coming back for him . Did a teacher notice ? No . Did big men in white coats come drag him off to a big looming building with the baby eaters and mailman killers ? No . No one wanted to know . Jed was a year older , but he 'd been left behind . He tripped me in math class on my way up to the board , his almost white eyes daring me to say something about it . I went on , did the calculation and circled back another way to sit down . When I ate lunch , he ate at a table next to mine and watched me . Watched my every move , my every bite . Half - chewed food fell from his mouth as he kept his eyes on me , but he didn 't notice . Or care . I 'd thought he 'd grow up to be a serial killer , but I was wrong . He was already there and he had me marked as victim numero uno . Next time I passed him in the hall , I murmured , " Tomorrow . Northeast edge of the woods . By the bridge . " I didn 't wait on an answer . For all I knew he 'd chewed his tongue off already and wasn 't going to give me one anyway . Then I went straight to the nurse 's office , faked a stomach cramp and a little dry heaving and had my mom picking me up in twenty minutes . Today was taken care of . Jed wasn 't going to jump me early . And tomorrow … . A guy on an old Western had said that once . He was right . I wasn 't a man , but it still counted for me , too . I spent the night in my room thinking . I took off that silly Santa pin Mary Francesca had given me and almost tossed it , but at the last minute I laid it on my desk . The mitten continued to wave at me and I wondered how long until the battery ran out . After an hour of that I went back in and stared at my closet . My last real Christmas was in there . It made me sad , proud , and had me pining all at the same time . Finally I put on my boxers and T - shirt and went to bed . I dreamed of cookies , presents , and a thousand lighted trees , and behind each tree was a Santa . He was laughing , cheeks red , stomach bouncing . A thousand Santas wherever you looked . When I woke up in the morning I had one of those things … oh shit , what is it ? … an epiphany . A big word for a big idea . I knew what to do , how to do it , and if I did things just right , just so , it would turn out even better than I thought yesterday . It would be better than okay . It would . I ate lunch with Mom , Dad , and Tess . Let Jed freeze his ass off in the woods waiting for me . I was in no hurry . Afterwards I grabbed my coat and backpack and said I 'd be back . Grounding was grounding but , my dad thought that roaming in the woods was good for kids . Taught them things . Toughened them up . I set off down our gravel road . The sky was white and gray and blue . Might be snow , might clear up . That was the fun thing about winter : it was always a surprise . I wore faded jeans and my rattiest sneakers . You never knew what was going to happen to them , not with someone like Jed . I liked the sneakers . We 'd got them in San Antonio … they were orange with the black outline of a coyote howling at the moon . It was the same kind of moon we 'd had last night . Narrow and hungry . I hefted the backpack and tried not to think about that . I had to do what I had to do . Thinking about things like that - it wasn 't good . It wasn 't good for the plan or for Tess or for me . I kept on walking , new snow crunching under my rubber soles . We 'd had lots of snow lately , at least a few feet of it . Blue Water Creek was the size of a small river now . You could toss a stick in that and it would be gone before your eyes could follow it . Thirty minutes later I reached where I 'd told Jed to meet me . He was there . Like he wouldn 't be . If I was stupid enough to walk right up to him , he wasn 't going to turn me down . He looked up from the struggling bundle of fur he had at his feet . The grin he gave me was colder than the snow under my feet . " Brought you a present , shithead . " Tied to a tree he had a dog . From the smell of the wet fur , it was soaked in paint thinner and Jed was trying to get a lighter to spark . He was trying to catch a dog on fire … on fire , just to piss me off before he finished me . That was the kind of sick asshole he was . Jed had parked his bike on the edge of the swollen Blue Water Creek . I turned and kicked it into the flood . The bike was carried away instantly . That was why the adults told us to stay away from the creek : it was over the banks , it was icy cold , and it could drown you in an instant . He growled , " You goddamn son of a bitch . You don 't know who you 're dealing with , asshole . I 'm going to make you wish you were dead . Hell , I 'm going to make you dead . " The pale eyes glowed with hatred as he shoved the lighter in his pocket . He picked up a baseball bat that had been hidden in the brush and rushed me , Louisville Slugger swinging . I caught it before it landed , ripped it out of his hands , whirled , and swung for the bleachers . He went down like Ms . Finkelstein on Principal Johnson . Like I said , I got sent to the principal a lot , and he didn 't always lock the door . Grown - ups could be stupid too . Which is why skipping class and zero tolerance for violence was a little less zero for me . Principal Johnson was good with the excuses for the school board , and Ms . Finkelstein , the secretary , handed candy out to me like she was trying to make me diabetic . I was hungry and getting hungrier - one lunch was never enough for me . My family … we liked to eat . I pulled one of her Tootsie Rolls out of my pocket and chewed on it while I nudged Jed with my sneaker . He was still breathing . That was good . He mumbled and started to twitch , his arms moving and hands digging at the dirt . I smacked him again with the bat at the base of the skull . A tap this time … just enough to do the job . Then I untied the dog . It had tags that said it lived and was loved only about five blocks from the woods . It knew its way home . First it dropped and bared a submissive stomach . I rubbed it lightly , washed off the paint thinner with snow , then let it jump up . I smiled as it bounded off homeward . I did like dogs … yapping , jumping , leg humping . It didn 't matter . All dogs were good dogs . I duct taped Jed 's ankles , wrists and mouth before waiting until long after dark to carry him through the woods . I didn 't want to leave drag marks and I scuffed my feet and doubled back enough times that no one would 've could 've made heads or tails of our trail . Jed was easy enough to haul even though he weighed more than me . Really easy . Shit floats . I guess assholes did , too . He woke up again . I was almost home , so I let him stay awake . He moaned , snarled , and tried to yell under the tape . That was Jed for you . A complainer . Bitch , bitch , bitch . Our house was only a mile or two from the woods at the end of our long gravel lane . The nearest neighbor was half a mile away . It was nice . Quiet . Private . " They 'll find your bike in the creek , " I said to the struggling Jed . " They 'll think you drowned . Think your body got wedged under somewhere . Who knows ? Maybe it took you all the way to the river . Everyone will pretend to be sad . " I looked back at him and smiled . " But no one will be . " Christmas Eve . I pulled Jed through the door into the blinking lights of the Christmas tree , the stockings on the mantle , the milk and cookies sat oh so carefully on the table . Tessa had left out milk and cookies out for three years now . Third time 's the charm . Mom and Dad sat waiting on the couch for me . It was almost eleven - close to Christmas . Close enough . Tess would 've long gone to bed . " That 's where you 've been . " Mom shook her head affectionately . Boys will be boys . " Come on , Dad , you taught me better than that . " I dumped Jed at the bottom of the fireplace before going to my room . I opened my closet door and rummaged through softball mitts , balls , games I 'd outgrown but never thrown away until I found it buried in a corner : the polished skull . It had been pretty stinky for quite a while , but it wasn 't the kind of stink my kind minded . I pulled the dusty red cap with the pom pom off of it and shook it out , trying not to sneeze . These were the only things left . The reindeer venison was long gone . Around the base of the skull were handfuls of white hair , once curly and soft , now wiry and sparse . It didn 't matter . It 'd work . I also picked up a tattered white trimmed red jacket . At the last I grabbed the glue from my desk and went back to the living room . " Yeah , yeah . " I ducked my head in embarrassment as I jammed the Santa hat on Jed 's head , draped the red jacket over the top of him and glued the hair to his chin and jaws . He wasn 't too helpful there , whipping his head back and forth . But I got the job done . I even pinned Mary Francesca 's Santa pin to the jacket . It was the perfect touch . I picked up three cookies , ripped the tape off his mouth and jammed them in there before he could get a word or a scream out . He turned slightly blue as he choked and coughed . I thought it 'd keep his mouth shut long enough . After a second there was the sound of feet in footy pajamas hitting the floor and she came flying out , eyes as wide as they possibly could be when she spotted Jed . " Santa ! Santa ! I asked you to come and you 're here ! You 're here ! " Six years ago I saw Santa . Seven years ago I 'd made my first kill . It soured me on Christmas when I realized there wouldn 't be any more Santas . No more surprises from the chimney . I 'd finished that job . Kids , you don 't realize how permanent things are . I was sorry afterwards . Sorry I hadn 't waited for my little sister to be old enough to join in on the fun . Sorry she could never have the thrill I 'd had . On the couch a buff colored wolf tucked her head under the jaw of a larger black one . Their eyes were brilliant with pride and affection and the spirit of the holiday . Their baby 's first kill . It was always special . I rested my muzzle on my paws and watched as Christmas came back to me . Mom said Christmas wasn 't in presents and trees , glitter and bows . She said it was in your heart and so was Santa if you want him to be . If I really wanted him , I could find him again . Team Leandros Says … " That 's quite the new fighting technique you demonstrated . What do you call it again ? Suicide ? " From The Korsak Brothers … " The sweet and the bittersweet ; that was what life was all about . " - Stefan ( CHIMERA ) Buy Rob 's Books Newsletter © 2012 - 2013 Rob Thurman . All Rights Reserved . | Site Design by MakeMeImmortal . com

For those of you who somehow missed it , Jackie is my Golden - Doodle Puppy that I got after Christmas from my daughter and son - in - law . I MUST have a picture . Hold on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No pics in this computer , but here is a short video . This baby is probably 10 pounds heavier after staying with my daughter for two weeks . Can 't wait to see her tomorrow ! This quilt top was found on the top shelf in a walk - in closet in my Mother - in - Law 's house when I was cleaning it out to prepare it for sale . It STILL hasn 't sold ! Anyway , I found several quilts . There were two bow - tie quilts , and I decided to keep them and quilt them . I wish I knew FOR SURE the story behind them , but I don 't . Anyway , I put the quilt on the table several weeks ago - - maybe months ago . Decided to quilt it while I am here with Jerry waiting for his next Chemo treatment . Here is a video that ' splains it . I say at the beginning , And today I made another video for my family , friends and my employee , Tim ( who will never see it , so what 's the point ) , that think my quilts at the store were quilted by a COMPUTER . You can MEET the quilting computer in this video . It 's name is " Joy " ! ( - : Jerry and I leave in the morning to head back to Oklahoma City for Chemo next Wednesday . We are leaving now because Phylly and I are going to have a Play Day on Saturday . PLUS , I want my puppy back while she still resembles a puppy and not a giant black bear ! I just watch him around corners - - out in the yard - - out my upstairs window that views his barn and all of his " toys " - - while he is working on his computer - - just all the time . He doesn 't know it , of course , except for all the times I run over to kiss him and give him a hug . I kid you not ! I felt like twirling around and around and just laughing out loud ! Just finished watching Downton Abby with Jerry . He hasn 't gone to sleep even for one second . Before we knew he was sick , he fell asleep every night once the TV was turned on . I must rush back into the TV room to my recliner that sits so close to his that they touch each other . I will rock , as I always do - - recliner or not - - and I will thank God for this WONDERFUL day ! And a special HELLO to Debbie ! I love your comments and hope to see many more of them . Welcome aboard . I will be sewing a lot more in the near future . You may find some tips in the Tutorials section over there on the right side . What an AWESOME God we serve . If we repent - which I do daily - He doesn 't hold yesterday against us , or the day before , or the day before that . We have a BRAND NEW DAY to get it right . To do someone a favor . To lend someone a hand . To smile and to listen and to care . To forgive someone ! For me , of course , it will be Jerry since nobody else is here today . And Jerry doesn 't really count because it gives me great pleasure to love on him every chance I get . He is doing so good ! This is the 11th day . This is the period of chemo that is suppose to be the worst . He mentioned a few minutes ago that his fingertips were numb . Other than that , he feels good . He sleeps soundly all night long . He is eating . Food tastes good . He smiles and laughs and plays with the cats . He walked all around the huge back yard yesterday with me and the fence guy , Jason , and held the measuring tape . It was VERY cold , and he didn 't even have a hat on his handsome bald head . I just thank God with every fiber of my being that Jerry will completely recover from this minor blow . Honestly , we haven 't mentioned Jerry 's condition to a SINGLE person that we haven 't heard of a family member or friend with something a lot worse than Jerry is dealing with . One friend has a brother who has a son and grandson - - and they ALL have some kind of spiderweb brain cancer . Two are dead . The fence man , Jason , who we just met yesterday has a friend who had cancer in his lower intestine , and now it is all through his body . I pray these people all know my Jesus . His name is GREATER than whatever name a cancer has . God said , " My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge . " Hosea 4 : 6 It is so true . Did you know THIS scripture is in the Bible , and Jesus is the one who said it : John 14 : 12 , KJV Verily , verily , I say unto you , He that believeth on me , the works that I do shall he do also ; and greater works than these shall he do ; because I go unto my Father . KNOWLEDGE is everything ! The Bible says that the Word is ALIVE and FULL OF POWER . Problem is - - and how very sad - - that it does NO GOOD at all if we don 't KNOW it and SPEAK it . My heart 's desire is that America somehow comes back to God , and once again , our children will be taught about their Creator and His Son who died for them . I better get my MERCIFUL NEW MORNING started ! Have a great one yourself ! Hugs , I gave them my usual " Joy Speech " about what I expect of an employee , and what I will not tolerate . They had a very good reaction to it . In the past , some have just walked out . Some have told me I need a Psychiatrist . One pointed at me and said , " You are NOT going to tell ME what to do ! " Then she walked out . I was prepared for some of that this time , but it didn 't happen . I am so very thankful for that ! Jerry is here with me after being delivered on Tuesday by our new Oklahoma City employee . I keep making him food , and he keeps eating it and asking for seconds . He has gained about 7 pounds back . The food tastes like it should right now - - instead of like metal - - and that certainly helps . He has a great attitude , and he has taken my advice TWICE in one week ! How awesome is that ? The second was when I asked him if he was drinking all the water he is supposed to drink every day . He is supposed to drink 1 to 2 quarts a day . He said he was TRYING . I said , " If I knew I had to drink a certain number of glasses of water a day , I would line up however many glasses / bottles of water that was on the counter top every morning , and I would be sure they were all empty before I went to bed at night . I came home from work today , and guess what I saw ? Four 16 - oz bottles of water lined up in a row on the counter top . Three were empty , and one had not been opened yet . LOVE IT ! Our daughter , Jeree , called yesterday , and Jerry had a long conversation with her . He really enjoyed it , and I just love it when she calls him . With Jerry being home so much now , she is able to reach him with one call . They used to play phone tag so much , they would both give up . Jerry just mentioned again yesterday - - as he often does these days - - how wonderful it is that our family is so close again . A man is coming here tomorrow to talk to us about a fence . I want a huge fenced in area . I hope it doesn 't cost a fortune . We have 11 acres here that borders Corp land on two sides , so the land goes on and on and on past what we own . There are lots of wild animals out there that eat people 's pets . There are coyotes , wild dogs , owls , bobcats and other critters . Owls ? Yeah ! A neighbor told us an owl ate one of our cats ! He said he saw two owls in the road in front of his house , and they were as tall as his knees ! That is why we have to have BIG dogs . We will keep them in at night . I have an almost - done new blouse that is just like the last one only different fabric with a few adjustments . It looks really good on Lucy . If I 'm not careful , I 'm going to gain 7 pounds myself while I 'm trying to fatten Jerry up ! I REALLY don 't want that because I don 't want to have to make bigger clothes . Speaking of that , I better go upstairs and exercise . You do know my husband hired the man , right ? The ATP guy that is supposed to replace Jerry - - as though anyone could do that - - but at least , insofar as the ATP work Jerry isn 't able to do . It requires that he go directly to each patient 's home and measure the home - - measure the patient - - decide exactly what kind of wheelchair is needed - - order all the parts to build the wheelchair - - prepare a thousand sheets of paper for Medicare / Medicaid so it will get paid for - - and then give them all to Phylly for billing . I 'm NOT kidding ! He wants the guy to drive to our house every morning , park his car in our driveway , open the garage door and get Jerry 's former van out of our garage and drive it to our store . Then he is suppose to drive BACK to our house at night - - park the van in our garage - - get in his own car and drive home to his house . We have three other vans at our store . Whey don 't we park all of them at our house too ? The thing is , our vans have been vandalized a dozen times in the parking lot of our store at night . Jerry built an enclosure on the back of our building , but only two of the vans will fit in it at night . One van - - the oldest - - is still parked outside all night . We have had the gasoline stolen , the copper something - or - other stolen , all of the tools inside the van stolen and a computer stolen and windows smashed each time . One of our trailers was stolen out of the parking lot in broad daylight while we were inside working . Our home is in a nice neighborhood , and it is against the neighborhood rules to have vehicles parked in the street for long periods of time , and certainly not all day every day . It would be reported by unhappy neighbors , and I wouldn 't blame them . That means the new guy would have to park his vehicle IN OUR DRIVEWAY . Jerry 's Mother 's Ford Windstar Van is already parked in our driveway . Jerry will have his truck there ( the one he used to drive ) and I will have my car there . It would be constant juggling of vehicles . And there is no way I 'm giving the guy who I 've known for one hour a garage door opener to my house ! Jerry was not at all happy with my answer to his question . I finally agreed to let him park in our driveway - - NOT in the garage - - for two weeks until we get back up there . Then he is going to have to park at our store . Maybe we can install an alarm in the van or tie a wild dog to it each night . WHAT A DILEMMA . The guy just started today , and it is already causing problems . He lives in Guthrie which means he will have to drive about 40 miles - - maybe more - - from his house to our store , and Jerry doesn 't want to pay for him to drive from his house to our house or to the store which we would have to do if he had our van at his house . Hope that makes sense . It is a real shame that such bad people roam the streets after dark . Jerry 's little van was actually broken into right in our driveway at Christmas time a year ago . I had left a laptop in it , and that is what was stolen . Hello on Sunday and Old Boyfriend Church was so good this morning , as always . Matthew Hagee preached about PRODUCING FRUIT . He talked about READING the Word so we , as Christians , will be able to SPEAK the Word like Jesus did after the 40 - day fast when Satan tempted him to turn stones into bread . www . getv . org if anyone would like to hear it . After church , I started cutting out another Silhouette # 550 blouse . After this one , I am going to use my Sure - fit Designs kit to draw my own pattern . The only reason I haven 't already done that , is I don 't know how to figure out how to get the SLIGHT drape at the top . I 'm sure Glenda could tell me , but I hate to bother her . She is busier than a one - armed paper hanger as it is ! I suppose the simple answer is to compare it to Peggy 's pattern . I sewed the darts in the back of the blouse , and then I went downstairs ( my sewing room is upstairs in the former attic ) to hang something in my closet . While I was in the closet , I noticed my black tennis shoes were on the floor . I thought I should put them up on the shelf where they go . When I stepped up on the stool to put the tennis shoes on the high shelf , I discovered ANOTHER pair of black tennis shoes on the high shelf . That meant the second pair came from the other house , so down they came . I was up there on the stool to put the shoes up on the shelf when I noticed the shampoo bottles on the other side of the closet , and I remembered that the pumper stem in the bottle of shampoo in the shower had been removed , and I had to turn the bottle upside down and beat the heck out of it to get any shampoo . I moved the stool over to where the shampoo bottles were and stepped up onto it . Our shampoo bottles are very large because I buy the biggest ones available with pumpers in them . I grabbed the large purple bottle and LOW AND BEHOLD , hiding right behind it was the small wooden jewelry box an old boyfriend had given me when I was about 23 years old . Actually , he wasn 't a boy - - he was a man - - but you don 't say " manfriend " , do you ? ? ? My very first job was right after High School . I was just 18 years old . My Mother drove me to General Electric and told me to go in and apply . I did . I was absolutely terrified of the strange place and the strange people , but I was more terrified of my Mother if I didn 't do what she told me . I guess I impressed them because they hired me . I had really good typing and shorthand skills because my Mother insisted that I learn to be a Secretary so I could always get a job . She was absolutely right about that ! My job was being a Secretary to about 9 men who sat at 3 - desk rows in a large room . On the side of the large room was the office of the boss . My desk was right outside his office and still in the big room with the 9 men . I did ALL of the typing for the 9 men and their boss . I had the latest , greatest Selectric typewriter that I absolutely could fly on at about 140 WPM . The guys used to stand by my desk and watch me type . I had to type with carbon paper for copies in those days . I hated that , but then there came the wonderful invention of Liquid Paper . Remember that ? ANYWAY , in another office somewhere in the gigantic building was a man named Dale Bennett . I had to go into the room where he and a bunch of other people worked a lot during the day . No fax machines then . If something had to go to another office , it went by " leg express " - - my legs ! I had no trouble staying thin in those days . The Secretary in the office where Dale worked was named " Carol " . She and I had become friends after she invited me to her house for some reason . She was GORGEOUS . Thick blonde hair cut just below her shoulders . She did modeling for extra money . That is how pretty she was . I did not hold a candle to her in the pretty department . She was taller and more filled out in all the right places . So here 's the deal . Carol liked Dale , but Dale liked me . I didn 't care a thing about Dale other than that he was a very nice newly - divorced man with two children , and I always stopped to ask how he was doing . Carol and I were both divorced too . At first , I didn 't KNOW Carol liked him . He kept asking me out every time I went into his area . Finally , I agreed to go out with him . We dated for several months , and he showed signs of really liking me , but I wasn 't interested . I SHOULD have been , but I wasn 't . I was probably more interested in some creep from the factory in the back of the building . One , whose name was Ron , was a real piece of work . I 'll have to tell you about him sometime . WHY did I like him and not Dale ? Dale and I dated for several months . He drove me out to my parent 's home one time and we swam in the lake and had dinner , and it was all very nice . Still , I just wasn 't falling , and he was . I finally told him I was trying to get back with my first husband - - or something - - and I quit dating him . THEN entered Carol . She scooped him up like an injured puppy . She was CRAZY about him ! While they were dating , he still would call me and we would talk . Oh , yeah ! I remember now . Isn 't it funny how things come back to you . I WAS trying to get back with Phillip . He had started calling and coming around with all the I LOVE YOU and I ' M SORRY and I DON ' T USE DRUGS ANYMORE crap . Even though we were divorced for years , I allowed him to move back into our little rent house . I SHOULD have known better , but I was just so naive in those years . I came home one evening after work to find Phillip convulsing in our bed . His skin was bright red and he was sick as a dog . He was shaking and gasping for breath . I - - being a major " fix it now " type - - asked him what on earth happened . This is what he told me : I go into major " Joy - Mode " and grab the phone . I tell him I 'm going to call the Health Department and the Police and Sonic Headquarters and I 'm going to get an attorney and sue Sonic . Then I tell him we should get to a hospital . Now , Phillip KNEW that I would actually do all of those things just like I said . He decided he better confess before all Hell broke lose . " It wasn 't a hamburger , Joy . I got some bad " stuff " . " The " stuff " was why we were divorced in the first place . As far as I knew , all he ever did was use marijuana , but he was way past that . I was real , real ignorant about what he really did when I wasn 't home . After he told me WHY he was really so sick , I went into hysterics . I started throwing things at him and telling him he was a horrible liar and I hoped he died , and I wanted him out of the house if he had to crawl to leave it . For some reason , I didn 't have a car . Someone from work must have brought me home . My car was broken down more than it was fixed in those days . I called for rescue . GUESS WHO I CALLED ? It was dinner time , and Dale was cooking steaks on the grill . I told them I better leave since they were eating . Dale came and grabbed me at the door and begged me to stay for dinner . Carol was glaring daggers at me and asked me if she could talk to me in the bedroom . I went back to the bedroom with her . She said , " You have to leave , Joy . " Carol flew to get her car keys out of her purse . She came back and put them in my hand and told me I had to leave . I left in HER car . I don 't remember what happened after that other than she and Dale eventually did get married and I haven 't seen either one of them since . Back to the jewelry box I found this morning . It was from Dale . I picked it up from the high shelf and brought it down to examine . I always loved it . It is a shame I couldn 't love him . I 'm sure God knew the amazingly wonderful Jerry B . was in my future . A lot of rings . I don 't wear rings now because I think my hands are the oldest - looking part of my body , and I don 't like to draw attention to them . Plus , most of the rings don 't fit me anymore . The large purple stone is a real amethyst set in 14K gold . The pearl and diamond are also in 14K gold . The little pinky ring is real too . The ring under the amethyst is a real ruby and diamonds Jerry gave me for Christmas one year . HOW COULD I FORGET these ? ? ? There is a 14K gold chain with several pendants I wore on that chain . One end of the clasp broke off and it has to be welded - - I guess - - because I sure can 't fix it . I always loved the typewriter charm . I can definitely use my jewelry making skills and use the pendants again . My first garment was Louise Cutting 's Relax - A - Little long skirt pattern . I put a lining in it and it is just wonderful to wear . I washed and dried it today , and when I pulled it out of the dryer , it didn 't even need pressing . WHY OH WHY don 't I make a note of what fabric I use for my garments . I would buy a boat load of it . Now , I really love Peggy , and I think she is the most generous person . However , her patterns drive me crazy ! She is so knowledgeable about all things having to do with pattern making and sewing that I don 't think she realizes how confusing her patterns are . This is too big in the top as you can see . I could put my arm in the armhole twice ! I have redrawn the pattern with a higher back , forward shoulder seams , shoulder slope adjustment and a smaller sleeve . Maybe I 'll get it done tomorrow . I MISS HIM ! ! ! I have figured out a way to get him down here with me . I called and told him about it , and he agreed it was a good idea . He has hired the NEW GUY that I didn 't want him to hire because he is the only one who can train him . I decided it was worse for me to fight the issue and upset us both - - although I did give it a try - - so I finally agreed he should do what he thought was best . He wants to work - - of course - - but I don 't want him anywhere there may be a germ . He got so sick a few weeks ago after he went to the store and picked up the flu / cold germs from all the keyboards he worked on there . Several of our employees have been sick or are sick . I just want to protect him . He has SO MUCH to deal with as it is . Anyway , Jerry is giving the new guy his delivery van to drive . That means Jerry won 't have a vehicle up there . His pick - up is down here along with our two cars . Since the new guy is going to be working at BOTH of our locations , I suggested he have the new guy DELIVER Jerry down here to me . Brilliant , huh ? ? ? Jerry has a nice , private office here . It will be germ - free once I get through spraying it down with Lysol . Jerry can train the guy here . Then the guy can go back home , and Jerry can come home with me and I can hug him to pieces and keep him safe . My poor hubby ! I have talked to him several times today . I ask him constantly if he is eating because I know he tends to just forget to eat if I 'm not there orchestrating meals . He went yesterday to the grocery store by himself after I had to make an emergency exit out of town , and he bought a lot of TV dinners . You may remember from previous posts that when he goes shopping for groceries , he ALWAYS buys frozen shrimp , cocktail sauce and corn on the cob . He didn 't think he could possibly do that . He HAS to do something . If he loses any more weight , we will have to start buying new clothes and underwear . I 've thought about trying double - sided tape under the waistband of his briefs ! I worked all day at our store doing things that only I can do . I can 't really elaborate , but I am hoping that I won 't have to be here over two weeks . My store manager has been in terrible pain for months and months . She has gone to the doctor and to physical therapy and now to a Chiropractor . She will know Monday what the Chiropractor thinks is causing all the pain . All of us feel so sorry for her . She is a real trouper though . She is ALWAYS at work . She is even working tomorrow morning . She just endures the pain shooting down her leg . I love working with her because she is so good to me even when I 'm at my grouchiest , not that I was grouchy today . I was sad all day today , but I didn 't tell anyone why . I sure do miss my puppy . I found out two of my employees have new doggies . I was telling one that my doggy sells for $ 600 . She said hers was $ 800 ! Goodness ! Both of them have those little tiny dogs that you can hold in one hand . My puppy could sit on both of their puppies at the same time and completely hide them . When Jackie is full grown , I 'm sure she could hide them both under one paw ! I brought work home with me to do here tomorrow . Hopefully , it won 't take too long , and I can finish the blouse I started weeks ago and show it to you . Have a REALLY nice weekend ! I wish I was with Jerry , but he is probably glad to have a break from me . I must ask him 20 times a day if he is hungry and wants something to eat . Only 4 more Chemo treatments to go ! This is one time in my life I wish time really would FLY ! Hugs , Joy Chemo day was yesterday . I should have KNOWN from the beginning that it was NOT going to be a good day . I had let Jackie - - our 11 - week old puppy - - out into the garage the night before to visit with the cats . I don 't know WHY I did that as the cats look at her as though she is an alien from the great beyond . They hiss and wave a paw , and then they both run and hide under the cars . In just a few minutes , I opened the laundry room door and she came running back into the house . The cats were nowhere in sight ! Now it is yesterday morning , and Jerry and I have to be at the hospital at 8 : 45 for his lab work . As often happens with me when I know I have an appointment in the morning , I didn 't sleep much at all Tuesday night . I saw 2 AM and 3 AM and 4 AM go buy on the clock next to my bed . I got up a few times . I turned my pillow over and around and puffed it up a dozen times . Just could NOT get to sleep . Jerry was sleeping soundly next to me except for all the times I woke him up pounding on my pillow . My alarm went off at 6 : 30 , and I got out of bed feeling like someone must have poked me with a pin during the night and drained every ounce of energy out of me . I went out to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and landed in my glider to sip it . Jerry had already been up for an hour and had done payroll . He KNEW I hadn 't slept and was super sleepy . He suggested that instead of my staying with him for five hours at Chemo , that he just take himself . NO WAY ! I wasn 't about to do that . I did suggest that maybe I could just drop him off - - come back home and take a quick nap - - and then pick him up after Chemo . He said that was fine . So that was the plan . Before I went back to my bedroom to get dressed , I had to go get something out of my car in the garage . When I walked out into the garage I smelled something NASTY . I looked around to see if the cats had died during the night or something , and then I saw it . Jackie had pooped in THREE different places on the garage floor . AARRGGHH ! ! ! I decided to leave it until it was dry , and then clean it up . I went back in and got ready to go . It is 8 : 00 AM and we are leaving to go to Braum 's to have a quick breakfast and then go to the hospital . Just before I turned the doorknob to enter the garage , I said to Jerry : " WATCH WHERE YOU WALK . THERE IS POOP ALL OVER THE GARAGE ! " He steps in the poop ! Yep . He has his brand new Christmas shoes on , and the heel of one is now covered with smashed poop ! I growl something and run to grab some paper towels and a wet wipe for him to clean his shoe off . We finally get in the car and head to Braum 's . I order a bacon / egg biscuit and he ordered a Big Country Breakfast . We sit down across each other in a booth to eat . I take my biscuit all apart - - as I always do - - and put the bacon in one place , the biscuit flat on its bottoms side by side , and the egg in another place . I salt and pepper the egg . I put butter and jam on the two biscuit halves . I pick up a fork and I start eating . As I 'm eating , I stare at Jerry . As I am staring at Jerry , I notice that he has the WRONG shirt on . He is supposed to wear a button - up the front shirt so the nurses can unbutton it to get to his port . I tell Jerry . He says we have to go home so he can change . I tell him we will be late . He says we have to go anyway . I toss the rest of my breakfast and so does he , and we head back home - - just five minutes away . I tell him I will run in and grab the shirt and he can change at the hospital . I came out with the shirt , and he started peeling off the two shirts he already had on and put on the new shirt . I was not happy driving without his seat belt on him , but I did . He finally got the shirt buttoned up - - the seat belt on - - and we got to the hospital where I dropped him off at 8 : 49 AM . Already late . Jerry went up to the third floor and checked in . He sat and sat and sat . He noticed lots of people coming in after him and then being sent to the lab where he was supposed to go . If I had been there , I would have said something immediately . Jerry isn 't me - - thank God - - and he just waited . After a while he finally went up to the window to discover that they had FORGOTTEN to tell the lab he was there . That made him late for Chemo which is on the fourth floor , but he finally got there too . MEANWHILE , back at the ranch , I wasn 't at the ranch . I got the idea to go to PetSmart to get some things for Jacque . I was just going to run in and run back out , but I got mesmerized by all the doggie things they had . I also went into the grooming salon and talked with the two people in there who had no animals to work on . One was a very nice young man who came out of the salon and lead me all over the store from item to item that I asked about . When I checked out , the nice young man handed me a package of Puppy Coupons and told me that I should buy them because I could get all this " free stuff " including a free Puppy Training Class . I said , " Fine " . I paid $ 20 for the coupon book and the cashier lady told me I needed to choose a date for my " FREE " Puppy Training Class . I looked at the calendar she handed me and circled a date . Then she said , " That will be $ 109 . 00 . " I tell the clerk the class was supposed to be FREE ! She looks at my coupon and figures out she has put the wrong class in the register . I wait for her to fix all of that , and then I have to choose a different class . Before I left , I also made an appointment for Jacque to be groomed at 1 : 00 on Sunday . I FINALLY got back home where Jackie was waiting in all of her fluffy cuteness for me to tell her how adorable she was . By then , it was too late to take a nap , so no nap got taken . I decided to go to lunch and then go get Jerry , which I did . I walked into the chemo room which was surprisingly quite vacant of patients . I walked around the whole place , and I finally had to ASK where Jerry was . He was around a corner and in a corner . When I walked over to where he was , I immediately noticed several puddles of water in front of and next to his chair . I turned and said something to the first non - patient I saw and mentioned that there was water on the floor . The non - patient turned out to be Jerry 's nurse - for - the - day named Bonnie . Think of it . It was ice . It fell and splattered and then melted , so it was in several places - - not just one . I could very easily have slipped and fallen on the hard floor if I hadn 't seen it first . The patients get up out of their chairs - - and they are weak and sick - - and they have to roll the drug holder thing with them to go to the bathroom . HOW are they supposed to see the water on the floor which was RIGHT in the walkway to the bathroom ? Bonnie walked away after her pronouncement . I ASSUMED she would return and wipe up the melted ice puddles . NOPE ! I decided I would just clean it up myself . There was a coffee / water / snack bar nearby , so I figured there would be napkins or paper towels nearby . There was a man volunteer standing near it doing nothing , so I asked him if he knew where I could get a paper towel to wipe up the water on the floor . He reached over a counter and grabbed a few paper towels - - and instead of wiping up the water himself - - he gave them to me . Whatever . I threw the paper towels down into one of the puddles and stepped on them with my shoe . Later , Bonnie showed up to tend to Jerry 's drugs . I said something to her about water on the floor being very dangerous for these sick people to be walking in . She informed me it had been there for ONLY ONE HOUR , and she was busy . She said if I had a complaint I could talk to her charge nurse , Renae ' . Renae ' was just a few feet away and she turned and Bonnie pointed her out to me . Renae ' wasn 't the least bit interested either , and she turned and went somewhere else . I never spoke to Renae ' . Jerry and I just left . The day did not get any better . Many more things happened , but the worst part was the scolding I received from a friend at how inconsiderate I had been to the poor nurse who spilled the ice . She thought my mentioning the ice would make the nurse be mean to Jerry on future visits . I should have just cleaned it up and never have mentioned it . OH ! I forgot to tell you that the TV on Jerry 's chair was broken and had no sound . I did ask if anyone had advised someone that the TV needed repair . I was told by Bonnie that he could just sit in a different one . The same friend told me that I should have just kept quiet about that too because Jerry probably didn 't mind anyway . The good thing is , Jerry did just fine through the Chemo . He feels pretty good today , although he has those little red bumps all over his back and his front again , and his face looks like he has a slight sunburn . He says food tastes like metal , and his body feels strange . The not so good thing is I received a frantic phone call this morning from the Manager of our Kingston store . Due to several things going on down here beyond her control , I have had to rush back to Kingston and Jerry is now alone in Edmond . We are 150 miles apart . He swears he will be fine . I pray he will be . Tammy had to come get my baby , Jackie . I am so sad to have to leave her as I was really getting attached to her . Tammy , of course , will check in daily on her Dad . Her husband is having surgery on Monday , however , and I imagine she will need to stay with him after that . ANDDDDDDDDDD , remember my concern about spelling my puppy 's name " Jacque " or " Jackie " . I gave PetSmart the spelling " Jacque " because it is still on her tag . When I called to tell them I needed to cancel her grooming appointment today , the girl asked me my last name . I told her . She responded , " I will cancel Jock 's appointment . I will be getting a new name tag , lol . Not ONLY did he work all morning at his desk , have a man come to the house for a 2 - hour interview , do payroll and take it to the Post Office - - all of which ended about 4 : 30 this afternoon - - he told me he felt better today than he has felt since this started . Then I asked him if he felt good enough to go out for a steak dinner so we could use the gift cards we received for Christmas . He said he would love to have a steak . I was shocked ! He hasn 't been eating hardly anything , never mind steak ! He drove and we went to Longhorn . I had a delicious steak with crab meat on top of it , and Jerry had prime rib . We both had a baked sweet potato . Yum , yum ! Chemo treatment # 2 is tomorrow morning at 9 : 00 . It will take 3 1 / 2 hours . We are glad but not glad . It has to be done . It is just so nice to have Jerry feeling good ! This doggie is keeping me running . HOW LONG does it take to potty train one of these ? ? ? I 've taken her out 100 times , but still she will go on the floor if I don 't grab her butt up faster than lightning and put her outside . Her " babies " were smelling so nasty , I just put them in the washer . It is a good thing she is so cute . Speaking of said doggie , I have to go ! Nice day . We went to " church " this morning and watched Pastor Matthew Hagee . Matthew was preaching about the vine and the branches and being pruned . He had an actual grapevine behind him , and he was cutting branches off of it . It was quite good . I love a visual example of a sermon . After church , I decided to TRY to make a video of Jackie so you could see her darling little face . I 'm not sure you can see her face , but you can see how totally darling she is . Jackie is so good . She even takes a nap in the afternoon . While Jackie was taking a nap , I figured something out in my jewelry room . Phylly was over for a play day a few weeks ago , and when she came over she brought me a box with her jewelry making paraphernalia in it . She says it hurts her hands too much to make jewelry , so she isn 't going to do it anymore . I , of course , was thrilled to get the beads and the wire . I was taking them OUT of the box she had them in and filing them away in their proper color box of my beads when I realized that her box was adjustable . It had those little plastic space dividers in it . As I was removing the beads , I realized the compartments could be made JUST large enough to put all of my headpins in . Now , I have a LOT of headpins . It was the one jewelry - making accessory I had not been able to find a good place for . Up until today they had all been in a big baggie labeled " Headpins " . ( In this pic , the bag is empty . ) I also received a Mail Cart from an office supply place I order from at my stores . Thank goodness Jerry felt good enough yesterday to help me assemble it . I was getting it together - - sort of - - but I would have had to have the wheels up in the air in order for the shelves to work right . I would have figured it out eventually . There seems to be this SLIGHT DISTRACTION around here all of a sudden . She is black and furry and really cute ! I take her outside about 4 times an hour , so I haven 't been making much jewelry or sewing . Thanks to all of you who sent me great doggie name suggestions . Several of them were names I had thought of myself . My husband , oddly enough , has a very definite opinion on this subject . Who knew ? After much back and forth - - up and down - - and all around - - we came to a compromise . He said I could change the spelling to " J A C K I E " so everyone who read her name on her tag as " Jacque " would not call her " Jock " . I started calling her " Miss Jackie " this morning just because it flew out of my mouth , and I like that . I have said it so much now , she is becoming Jackie . She is the sweetest dog . She let me take a wet wash cloth and wash her eyes and her mouth tonight . I 'm concerned about leaving her here alone as Jerry and I ARE going to have to leave to go to Chemo and to Kingfisher to take care of his deceased Mother 's affairs . We will take it a day at a time - - just like everything else . I should have KNOWN it was too good to last . I won 't go into detail , but suffice it to say that someone asked me if they could come spend time with me . I didn 't really HAVE the time to do it , but I said , " Sure ! " " When and what and how ? " I was going to have to leave Jerry alone with a new puppy most of the day today to keep my promise to go to lunch with friends and then shopping , BUT I thought this person was special enough that she deserved it . Before she left the other night , I asked her specifics to be SURE she was coming . Oh , yes , she was sure . Well , she was a NO SHOW and a NO CALL and a NO TEXT . I am SO disappointed . Just when you think you have someone in your life you can count on , you find out they are just like all the rest of young people today . I cried for awhile , but then I REMINDED myself that I 'm not letting other people determine my happiness . I got over it . Next time , I will tell her I 'm too busy ! Other than THAT , this was a very nice day . The new puppy who is now nameless , is ADORABLE ! Phylly and Sheila from our store came to have lunch with me today so they could meet her . It was all I could do to keep them from KIDNAPPING her . Phylly says she will babysit her at her house if I need her to . RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT ! Phylly sleeps in a recliner with 2 dogs in her lap and from 1 to 3 kids and maybe a cat or two . Not happening here - - EVER ! Dogs and children have their OWN BEDS in my world . Call me mean , but that 's the way I am . My daughter is the same as Phylly . I have gone to her house and found an entire litter of puppies on her pillows while she was in bed ! She did NOT get that from me . My first husband of less than two years - her Dad - was that way though . I have called this doggy EVERYTHING but " Jacque " . It just doesn 't " fit " her . Besides , isn 't that a man 's name - - like that diver that used to be on TV - - Jacque Ceusteau ( sp ) ? I have called her " Baby Girl " mostly . I told Jerry I didn 't like her name . He said I could name her what I wanted to . I told him I liked " Baby " . He said , " There is NO WAY we are calling a giant dog " Baby " . I told him giant guys are often called " Tiny " . I think it is perfect . Nope . He doesn 't like it . I told him I sort of like Bebe , BB , Beebe ( how do you spell it ? ! ) . We had a dog when our kids were little I named BB for " Black Beauty " . I didn 't think we should have TWO dogs with the same name , but Jerry thinks that is silly . He really likes that name . I don 't . Did I mention that Jerry is REALLY grumpy right now . His fever has gone up again even after three days of antibiotics . Food tastes horrible , and he isn 't eating . He has lost all the weight he gained . I am REALLY FORTUNATE that he is even allowing me to have this puppy . ANY SUGGESTIONS for a " B " name for my puppy ? ? ? I want a name that doesn 't sound like a people name . I love " Barkley " and " Woofie " , but they are boy names . How about " Bella " ? That is kind of cute . I just looked it up and it means " beautiful " in Italian . Jerry will say she isn 't Italian . WHO CARES ! ? She is so black , you can hardly see her face . Maybe Jerry will feel better tomorrow , and he will let me call her " Baby " . I better play with her for a little while before she goes to bed . She slept all night long in her " box " , and she never whimpered or made any sounds . Such a sweet doggy ! I am shocked at how much family Jerry and I suddenly have . Tammy , my daughter , always comes over as soon as she hears we are in town . We just got here yesterday . She was here shortly after we arrived . She left and we got a call from her son , Jacob . He wanted to know if he and his girlfriend could come over to pick up some CD 's I had purchased for them . SURE ! Come on over . They stayed for a long time , and we watched several episodes of Andrew Wommack 's programs on the TV . Jacob loved them and wanted to keep watching more . They left after 10 PM , and we headed right to bed . Then it was today - - chemo day # 2 . Jerry was scheduled to be there at 9 : 00 . He woke up feeling horrible though . Chest congestion and a cough . Took his temp and it was 100 . 5 which is the EXACT number requiring a phone call to the doctor . We called . The doctor said he needed to come in for a chest x - ray and chemo would be rescheduled . We went . He was seen by a PA who about fell over when he looked inside Jerry 's ears . He said they are PACKED solid with wax and he can 't even see his eardrum . Jerry 's ears don 't even hurt . NO WONDER the man can 't hear half of what I say . He uses a thermometer that goes " beep - beep - beep " when it is ready to read . It beeps so long , I finally holler at him to turn the thing off . He says , " What are you talking about , Joy ? I don 't hear a beep ? " He said Jerry needed his ears washed out by a doctor so the ear drum could be seen . I asked him why HE couldn 't do it . He said Jerry had to see his primary care physician . AARRGGHH ! ! ! ! Not THAT again ! How many doctors do you have to have before you don 't need any more doctors ? The PA suggested we go to one of those waste - of - time clinics today , but Jerry just did not feel like it . He rested in his recliner all afternoon . You may remember me telling you that my daughter and her husband have a kennel . They raise several breeds of dogs , but they have recently been breeding a Poodle with a Golden Retriever which makes Golden - Doodles . You can google it and see I 'm telling you right . I have wanted one ever since she told me about them . They usually sell them for $ 600 a piece and have no problem selling litter after litter . All the puppies were gone except for this ONE girl puppy . She told me about her and how she hadn 't sold . I told her that I WANTED that puppy myself . She told me that was impossible with her Dad being so ill , but I kept telling her I really did want her . She asked me how I was going to take care of Jerry - - two cats - - and a dog . I told her she was probably right . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . I open the door , and there they are . I was SO EXCITED ! I took lots of pics , but this is the only one I can attach right now . Hollie is married to my grandson , John , who is stationed in Alaska with the US Army right now . Hollie came home for the holidays , but John couldn 't get leave . Hollie had just been to the gym to work out so had no make - up on . I asked her to let me take a pic before they took my puppy back home : " We CAN ' T be hauling a huge dog and two cats back and forth between our houses , Joy ! It is ABSURD ! It is CRAZY ! Don 't even think about it ! " I had not ASKED Tammy to bring the puppy over here , BUT all of a sudden here she was in all her fluffy cuteness . Tammy , Hollie , the puppy and I all landed in the middle of the living room floor - - RIGHT NEXT to where Jerry was resting in his recliner . The puppy - - who , by the way , was temporarily named " Shannon " at that point - - was perfectly well - behaved . Just stayed right there with us . She was as calm as could be . Not hyper . Didn 't make a sound . Came right to me and let me hug and cuddle her to pieces . Tammy told me that she and Len had decided to let me HAVE the puppy after all . She said they were really getting attached to her , but they knew I wanted her . She said that they would keep her for us when we had to go to Kingston to check on the house . PERFECT ! She told me if I didn 't like the name " Shannon " , that I needed to name her . I thought about it and thought about it , but I couldn 't really come up with a name because I didn 't know her well enough yet . ALL OF A SUDDEN - - from the recliner where Jerry was supposedly NOT paying attention , we heard : We played for awhile and then they had to leave . The dog is still taking antibiotics for a virus , and Tammy didn 't want to leave her here until she is all better . That was good . Plus I needed to buy dog food and a gate and some toys and . . . . They all left . Just as Tammy , Hollie and Jacque were leaving , my phone rang . It was Jacob . He wanted to know if he and Kourtney could come over tonight . I told them to come on and I started dinner for four . We had a marvelous time . Kourtney worked my 1000 - piece puzzle that I got for Christmas while Jacob helped me with supper . We got through eating our dessert of four different kinds of ice cream I found in the garage freezer when my phone rang again . It was Tammy 's husband , Len . They were at Petco buying things for Jacque that I had told Tammy I was going to need . HOW NICE WAS THAT ? They bought me dog food , doggie toys , a doggie collar with name tag and a doggie gate . I had to have all those things before I could keep Jacque here . We have a fenced back yard , so that isn 't a problem . She is already potty trained at 11 weeks old . How AMAZING is that ? ! While Jacob and Kourtney were still here , Tammy and Len came over with all the things they had bought at Petco . We have had LOTS of company today , and it has been very , very heartwarming and wonderful . Everyone just gathers around Jerry as he rests in his recliner ; and he , being the type that could sleep on a rock in a tornado , just comes and goes as he pleases - - never leaving his chair . He is surrounded with love from everyone that comes here , and it is as it should be . We are a " family " . There have been years and years when I wondered if we EVER would be that again . Whatever has caused it , I can only say , " Thank you , God , and PLEASE don 't let it stop . " So much more , but that 's enough for tonight . Just had to show you our new baby . Tammy says she won 't be small for long . Hey everyone ! Another Monday down the drain , and Jerry 's energy seems to have gone down the drain with it ! He was doing SO GOOD , I almost forgot several times he isn 't all better yet . He has been up before me in the morning and coming to bed after me at night . He watched a zillion hours of football - - fixed two leaky toilets - - went to the skin doctor and the hardware store - - worked several hours at the store Friday night fixing computer issues - - ate and ate and ate some more ! - - and then , it started happening . I looked up at his head , and there were lots of bald spots on one side of his head . I felt so bad for him , but I didn 't let on . I told him he still had a lot left . I got out his electric hair - cutter - offer that has a guide on it , and I put the guide on as low as it would go without scalping him . I didn 't want to shave him down to the skin , so I left about 1 / 8 " all over . I love to run my hands around and around on it , and I call him Colonel Bernsides . Fortunately , he has this really cool hat that I asked him to buy one time when we were at Bass Pro Shop . He doesn 't really like it , but I think it looks amazing on him . And remember the boots I ordered from Zappos ? You DO know about Zappos , don 't you ? You order a BUNCH of shoes or boots , and they come to you the NEXT DAY . You have ONE YEAR to return them , and they pay the freight both ways . ( Yes , I know they don 't REALLY - - but . . . It makes it a whole lot easier to do returns even if I really am paying for them . You print out their label and slap it back on their box . Too simple . ) I ordered six pair , but I kept only two pair . I took my skirt to the store with me so I could try the boots on with it . Here are the tree pair of boots I decided I liked . I did keep the other two pair . The pair above is Ann Klein , and I really like it . Of course , you can 't see most of the boots under the long skirt , but I know they are under there , lol . Since Jerry is in bed already , I guess I 'll go watch some videos on my laptop and get educated in some new jewelry project . I just ALMOST finished a new blouse . It is a Silhouette pattern , and it gave me all the usual fits ! I 'll explain when I get it done . Our cat , Boots , had a boo boo , as I 've posted , but there was so much hair on the boy , we couldn 't SEE the boo boo . Jerry adores our cats - - and , I guess , I sort of do to , but don 't tell him - - and he was worried that whatever the wound was might get infected . Therefore , we took him to the vet yesterday . The wound was barely visible , but we had noticed Boots licking the hair to death in that area , and he squealed if you tried to touch it . We packed our fat kitty into his carrier and took him to the vet . Now , this is a country vet , and the girls that work for him aren 't the brightest employees in the world . One of them takes her young son to work with her , and he was running in and out the doors and making weird noises . One of the young girls asked us a bunch of questions . Their " system " consists of 5 x 7 index cards that they WRITE down what you say on . Yep ! Real advanced technology . The poor girl was trying to HAND write all of this down on the 5 x 7 card , and she wasn 't keeping up very good at all . She decides we can leave the cat there since Jerry and I both have a doctor appointment ourselves in an hour . We can call her later to find out what the vet decides to do . I called back later to find out what was going on . The girl told me that Boots had to be sedated so the vet could look at the wound . AND , since Boots was sedated , he had to spend the night . GREAT ! I could see dollar signs adding up in my brain ! So we had to go back this morning to pick Boots up from the vet . Jerry said in the car that we would probably owe $ 150 . I told him it SURELY couldn 't be that much . All they did was cauterize the wound and give him a shot of antibiotics . The bill was $ 177 . 10 ! I guffawed and shrieked , " WHAT ON EARTH did you do to Boots that cost that much ? She looked at her computer screen which I was surprised to see they even had , and she said , " Boots was " fractious " , and there was an extra charge for that . " " Fractious " ? , I asked . What does THAT mean ? She said Boots was VERY temperamental and the vet could not get close enough to even see the wound . The vet CAUTERIZED the wound . I GUESS that is the black part . Well , right now , this minute , ALL of that black stuff has been licked off , and the wound is open . I was able to put some antibiotic cream on it , but I imagine Boots will just lick that off too . The girl at the vet 's office told me that Boots COULD NOT LICK that area . Does she know ANYTHING about cats at all ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I 'm beginning to wonder ! Jerry feels really good right now - - just like his old self . Nothing hurts . His voice is back . He does complain that everything is too salty or too sweet , but that 's no biggy . He asked me to take a ride with him over to the pond a little while ago . He just wanted to sit and look at his handiwork . It was wonderful to see him have so much pleasure . For those of you who don 't know , we live on 11 acres in Southern Oklahoma . When we bought this property a thousand years ago , it was nothing but trees . Jerry built this pond all by himself - - week after week after week after week - - for seven years . It is an amazing feat , and he really loves it . Took this with my Iphone , so it isn 't much , but you can see how great he is feeling ! Praise God ! ! ! If you will click on " Youtube " , you can see a bigger version - - maybe . Jerry was just sitting there . I had been sitting next to him , but I MADE myself take a walk over to the dock to maybe lose an ounce or two . My husband weighs only 20 pounds more than I do right now . YIKES ! ! ! So that is it for today . I 've got to go find Jerry and find out what exciting thing we are going to watch on TV tonight . Last two nights were football . He watched both games for hours and hours . Didn 't come to bed until midnight . THAT IS AWESOME ! What a shame he has to get more Chemo on Wednesday just when he is feeling so great . I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are .

For those of you who somehow missed it , Jackie is my Golden - Doodle Puppy that I got after Christmas from my daughter and son - in - law . I MUST have a picture . Hold on . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No pics in this computer , but here is a short video . This baby is probably 10 pounds heavier after staying with my daughter for two weeks . Can 't wait to see her tomorrow ! This quilt top was found on the top shelf in a walk - in closet in my Mother - in - Law 's house when I was cleaning it out to prepare it for sale . It STILL hasn 't sold ! Anyway , I found several quilts . There were two bow - tie quilts , and I decided to keep them and quilt them . I wish I knew FOR SURE the story behind them , but I don 't . Anyway , I put the quilt on the table several weeks ago - - maybe months ago . Decided to quilt it while I am here with Jerry waiting for his next Chemo treatment . Here is a video that ' splains it . I say at the beginning , And today I made another video for my family , friends and my employee , Tim ( who will never see it , so what 's the point ) , that think my quilts at the store were quilted by a COMPUTER . You can MEET the quilting computer in this video . It 's name is " Joy " ! ( - : Jerry and I leave in the morning to head back to Oklahoma City for Chemo next Wednesday . We are leaving now because Phylly and I are going to have a Play Day on Saturday . PLUS , I want my puppy back while she still resembles a puppy and not a giant black bear ! I just watch him around corners - - out in the yard - - out my upstairs window that views his barn and all of his " toys " - - while he is working on his computer - - just all the time . He doesn 't know it , of course , except for all the times I run over to kiss him and give him a hug . I kid you not ! I felt like twirling around and around and just laughing out loud ! Just finished watching Downton Abby with Jerry . He hasn 't gone to sleep even for one second . Before we knew he was sick , he fell asleep every night once the TV was turned on . I must rush back into the TV room to my recliner that sits so close to his that they touch each other . I will rock , as I always do - - recliner or not - - and I will thank God for this WONDERFUL day ! And a special HELLO to Debbie ! I love your comments and hope to see many more of them . Welcome aboard . I will be sewing a lot more in the near future . You may find some tips in the Tutorials section over there on the right side . What an AWESOME God we serve . If we repent - which I do daily - He doesn 't hold yesterday against us , or the day before , or the day before that . We have a BRAND NEW DAY to get it right . To do someone a favor . To lend someone a hand . To smile and to listen and to care . To forgive someone ! For me , of course , it will be Jerry since nobody else is here today . And Jerry doesn 't really count because it gives me great pleasure to love on him every chance I get . He is doing so good ! This is the 11th day . This is the period of chemo that is suppose to be the worst . He mentioned a few minutes ago that his fingertips were numb . Other than that , he feels good . He sleeps soundly all night long . He is eating . Food tastes good . He smiles and laughs and plays with the cats . He walked all around the huge back yard yesterday with me and the fence guy , Jason , and held the measuring tape . It was VERY cold , and he didn 't even have a hat on his handsome bald head . I just thank God with every fiber of my being that Jerry will completely recover from this minor blow . Honestly , we haven 't mentioned Jerry 's condition to a SINGLE person that we haven 't heard of a family member or friend with something a lot worse than Jerry is dealing with . One friend has a brother who has a son and grandson - - and they ALL have some kind of spiderweb brain cancer . Two are dead . The fence man , Jason , who we just met yesterday has a friend who had cancer in his lower intestine , and now it is all through his body . I pray these people all know my Jesus . His name is GREATER than whatever name a cancer has . God said , " My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge . " Hosea 4 : 6 It is so true . Did you know THIS scripture is in the Bible , and Jesus is the one who said it : John 14 : 12 , KJV Verily , verily , I say unto you , He that believeth on me , the works that I do shall he do also ; and greater works than these shall he do ; because I go unto my Father . KNOWLEDGE is everything ! The Bible says that the Word is ALIVE and FULL OF POWER . Problem is - - and how very sad - - that it does NO GOOD at all if we don 't KNOW it and SPEAK it . My heart 's desire is that America somehow comes back to God , and once again , our children will be taught about their Creator and His Son who died for them . I better get my MERCIFUL NEW MORNING started ! Have a great one yourself ! Hugs , I gave them my usual " Joy Speech " about what I expect of an employee , and what I will not tolerate . They had a very good reaction to it . In the past , some have just walked out . Some have told me I need a Psychiatrist . One pointed at me and said , " You are NOT going to tell ME what to do ! " Then she walked out . I was prepared for some of that this time , but it didn 't happen . I am so very thankful for that ! Jerry is here with me after being delivered on Tuesday by our new Oklahoma City employee . I keep making him food , and he keeps eating it and asking for seconds . He has gained about 7 pounds back . The food tastes like it should right now - - instead of like metal - - and that certainly helps . He has a great attitude , and he has taken my advice TWICE in one week ! How awesome is that ? The second was when I asked him if he was drinking all the water he is supposed to drink every day . He is supposed to drink 1 to 2 quarts a day . He said he was TRYING . I said , " If I knew I had to drink a certain number of glasses of water a day , I would line up however many glasses / bottles of water that was on the counter top every morning , and I would be sure they were all empty before I went to bed at night . I came home from work today , and guess what I saw ? Four 16 - oz bottles of water lined up in a row on the counter top . Three were empty , and one had not been opened yet . LOVE IT ! Our daughter , Jeree , called yesterday , and Jerry had a long conversation with her . He really enjoyed it , and I just love it when she calls him . With Jerry being home so much now , she is able to reach him with one call . They used to play phone tag so much , they would both give up . Jerry just mentioned again yesterday - - as he often does these days - - how wonderful it is that our family is so close again . A man is coming here tomorrow to talk to us about a fence . I want a huge fenced in area . I hope it doesn 't cost a fortune . We have 11 acres here that borders Corp land on two sides , so the land goes on and on and on past what we own . There are lots of wild animals out there that eat people 's pets . There are coyotes , wild dogs , owls , bobcats and other critters . Owls ? Yeah ! A neighbor told us an owl ate one of our cats ! He said he saw two owls in the road in front of his house , and they were as tall as his knees ! That is why we have to have BIG dogs . We will keep them in at night . I have an almost - done new blouse that is just like the last one only different fabric with a few adjustments . It looks really good on Lucy . If I 'm not careful , I 'm going to gain 7 pounds myself while I 'm trying to fatten Jerry up ! I REALLY don 't want that because I don 't want to have to make bigger clothes . Speaking of that , I better go upstairs and exercise . You do know my husband hired the man , right ? The ATP guy that is supposed to replace Jerry - - as though anyone could do that - - but at least , insofar as the ATP work Jerry isn 't able to do . It requires that he go directly to each patient 's home and measure the home - - measure the patient - - decide exactly what kind of wheelchair is needed - - order all the parts to build the wheelchair - - prepare a thousand sheets of paper for Medicare / Medicaid so it will get paid for - - and then give them all to Phylly for billing . I 'm NOT kidding ! He wants the guy to drive to our house every morning , park his car in our driveway , open the garage door and get Jerry 's former van out of our garage and drive it to our store . Then he is suppose to drive BACK to our house at night - - park the van in our garage - - get in his own car and drive home to his house . We have three other vans at our store . Whey don 't we park all of them at our house too ? The thing is , our vans have been vandalized a dozen times in the parking lot of our store at night . Jerry built an enclosure on the back of our building , but only two of the vans will fit in it at night . One van - - the oldest - - is still parked outside all night . We have had the gasoline stolen , the copper something - or - other stolen , all of the tools inside the van stolen and a computer stolen and windows smashed each time . One of our trailers was stolen out of the parking lot in broad daylight while we were inside working . Our home is in a nice neighborhood , and it is against the neighborhood rules to have vehicles parked in the street for long periods of time , and certainly not all day every day . It would be reported by unhappy neighbors , and I wouldn 't blame them . That means the new guy would have to park his vehicle IN OUR DRIVEWAY . Jerry 's Mother 's Ford Windstar Van is already parked in our driveway . Jerry will have his truck there ( the one he used to drive ) and I will have my car there . It would be constant juggling of vehicles . And there is no way I 'm giving the guy who I 've known for one hour a garage door opener to my house ! Jerry was not at all happy with my answer to his question . I finally agreed to let him park in our driveway - - NOT in the garage - - for two weeks until we get back up there . Then he is going to have to park at our store . Maybe we can install an alarm in the van or tie a wild dog to it each night . WHAT A DILEMMA . The guy just started today , and it is already causing problems . He lives in Guthrie which means he will have to drive about 40 miles - - maybe more - - from his house to our store , and Jerry doesn 't want to pay for him to drive from his house to our house or to the store which we would have to do if he had our van at his house . Hope that makes sense . It is a real shame that such bad people roam the streets after dark . Jerry 's little van was actually broken into right in our driveway at Christmas time a year ago . I had left a laptop in it , and that is what was stolen . Hello on Sunday and Old Boyfriend Church was so good this morning , as always . Matthew Hagee preached about PRODUCING FRUIT . He talked about READING the Word so we , as Christians , will be able to SPEAK the Word like Jesus did after the 40 - day fast when Satan tempted him to turn stones into bread . www . getv . org if anyone would like to hear it . After church , I started cutting out another Silhouette # 550 blouse . After this one , I am going to use my Sure - fit Designs kit to draw my own pattern . The only reason I haven 't already done that , is I don 't know how to figure out how to get the SLIGHT drape at the top . I 'm sure Glenda could tell me , but I hate to bother her . She is busier than a one - armed paper hanger as it is ! I suppose the simple answer is to compare it to Peggy 's pattern . I sewed the darts in the back of the blouse , and then I went downstairs ( my sewing room is upstairs in the former attic ) to hang something in my closet . While I was in the closet , I noticed my black tennis shoes were on the floor . I thought I should put them up on the shelf where they go . When I stepped up on the stool to put the tennis shoes on the high shelf , I discovered ANOTHER pair of black tennis shoes on the high shelf . That meant the second pair came from the other house , so down they came . I was up there on the stool to put the shoes up on the shelf when I noticed the shampoo bottles on the other side of the closet , and I remembered that the pumper stem in the bottle of shampoo in the shower had been removed , and I had to turn the bottle upside down and beat the heck out of it to get any shampoo . I moved the stool over to where the shampoo bottles were and stepped up onto it . Our shampoo bottles are very large because I buy the biggest ones available with pumpers in them . I grabbed the large purple bottle and LOW AND BEHOLD , hiding right behind it was the small wooden jewelry box an old boyfriend had given me when I was about 23 years old . Actually , he wasn 't a boy - - he was a man - - but you don 't say " manfriend " , do you ? ? ? My very first job was right after High School . I was just 18 years old . My Mother drove me to General Electric and told me to go in and apply . I did . I was absolutely terrified of the strange place and the strange people , but I was more terrified of my Mother if I didn 't do what she told me . I guess I impressed them because they hired me . I had really good typing and shorthand skills because my Mother insisted that I learn to be a Secretary so I could always get a job . She was absolutely right about that ! My job was being a Secretary to about 9 men who sat at 3 - desk rows in a large room . On the side of the large room was the office of the boss . My desk was right outside his office and still in the big room with the 9 men . I did ALL of the typing for the 9 men and their boss . I had the latest , greatest Selectric typewriter that I absolutely could fly on at about 140 WPM . The guys used to stand by my desk and watch me type . I had to type with carbon paper for copies in those days . I hated that , but then there came the wonderful invention of Liquid Paper . Remember that ? ANYWAY , in another office somewhere in the gigantic building was a man named Dale Bennett . I had to go into the room where he and a bunch of other people worked a lot during the day . No fax machines then . If something had to go to another office , it went by " leg express " - - my legs ! I had no trouble staying thin in those days . The Secretary in the office where Dale worked was named " Carol " . She and I had become friends after she invited me to her house for some reason . She was GORGEOUS . Thick blonde hair cut just below her shoulders . She did modeling for extra money . That is how pretty she was . I did not hold a candle to her in the pretty department . She was taller and more filled out in all the right places . So here 's the deal . Carol liked Dale , but Dale liked me . I didn 't care a thing about Dale other than that he was a very nice newly - divorced man with two children , and I always stopped to ask how he was doing . Carol and I were both divorced too . At first , I didn 't KNOW Carol liked him . He kept asking me out every time I went into his area . Finally , I agreed to go out with him . We dated for several months , and he showed signs of really liking me , but I wasn 't interested . I SHOULD have been , but I wasn 't . I was probably more interested in some creep from the factory in the back of the building . One , whose name was Ron , was a real piece of work . I 'll have to tell you about him sometime . WHY did I like him and not Dale ? Dale and I dated for several months . He drove me out to my parent 's home one time and we swam in the lake and had dinner , and it was all very nice . Still , I just wasn 't falling , and he was . I finally told him I was trying to get back with my first husband - - or something - - and I quit dating him . THEN entered Carol . She scooped him up like an injured puppy . She was CRAZY about him ! While they were dating , he still would call me and we would talk . Oh , yeah ! I remember now . Isn 't it funny how things come back to you . I WAS trying to get back with Phillip . He had started calling and coming around with all the I LOVE YOU and I ' M SORRY and I DON ' T USE DRUGS ANYMORE crap . Even though we were divorced for years , I allowed him to move back into our little rent house . I SHOULD have known better , but I was just so naive in those years . I came home one evening after work to find Phillip convulsing in our bed . His skin was bright red and he was sick as a dog . He was shaking and gasping for breath . I - - being a major " fix it now " type - - asked him what on earth happened . This is what he told me : I go into major " Joy - Mode " and grab the phone . I tell him I 'm going to call the Health Department and the Police and Sonic Headquarters and I 'm going to get an attorney and sue Sonic . Then I tell him we should get to a hospital . Now , Phillip KNEW that I would actually do all of those things just like I said . He decided he better confess before all Hell broke lose . " It wasn 't a hamburger , Joy . I got some bad " stuff " . " The " stuff " was why we were divorced in the first place . As far as I knew , all he ever did was use marijuana , but he was way past that . I was real , real ignorant about what he really did when I wasn 't home . After he told me WHY he was really so sick , I went into hysterics . I started throwing things at him and telling him he was a horrible liar and I hoped he died , and I wanted him out of the house if he had to crawl to leave it . For some reason , I didn 't have a car . Someone from work must have brought me home . My car was broken down more than it was fixed in those days . I called for rescue . GUESS WHO I CALLED ? It was dinner time , and Dale was cooking steaks on the grill . I told them I better leave since they were eating . Dale came and grabbed me at the door and begged me to stay for dinner . Carol was glaring daggers at me and asked me if she could talk to me in the bedroom . I went back to the bedroom with her . She said , " You have to leave , Joy . " Carol flew to get her car keys out of her purse . She came back and put them in my hand and told me I had to leave . I left in HER car . I don 't remember what happened after that other than she and Dale eventually did get married and I haven 't seen either one of them since . Back to the jewelry box I found this morning . It was from Dale . I picked it up from the high shelf and brought it down to examine . I always loved it . It is a shame I couldn 't love him . I 'm sure God knew the amazingly wonderful Jerry B . was in my future . A lot of rings . I don 't wear rings now because I think my hands are the oldest - looking part of my body , and I don 't like to draw attention to them . Plus , most of the rings don 't fit me anymore . The large purple stone is a real amethyst set in 14K gold . The pearl and diamond are also in 14K gold . The little pinky ring is real too . The ring under the amethyst is a real ruby and diamonds Jerry gave me for Christmas one year . HOW COULD I FORGET these ? ? ? There is a 14K gold chain with several pendants I wore on that chain . One end of the clasp broke off and it has to be welded - - I guess - - because I sure can 't fix it . I always loved the typewriter charm . I can definitely use my jewelry making skills and use the pendants again . My first garment was Louise Cutting 's Relax - A - Little long skirt pattern . I put a lining in it and it is just wonderful to wear . I washed and dried it today , and when I pulled it out of the dryer , it didn 't even need pressing . WHY OH WHY don 't I make a note of what fabric I use for my garments . I would buy a boat load of it . Now , I really love Peggy , and I think she is the most generous person . However , her patterns drive me crazy ! She is so knowledgeable about all things having to do with pattern making and sewing that I don 't think she realizes how confusing her patterns are . This is too big in the top as you can see . I could put my arm in the armhole twice ! I have redrawn the pattern with a higher back , forward shoulder seams , shoulder slope adjustment and a smaller sleeve . Maybe I 'll get it done tomorrow . I MISS HIM ! ! ! I have figured out a way to get him down here with me . I called and told him about it , and he agreed it was a good idea . He has hired the NEW GUY that I didn 't want him to hire because he is the only one who can train him . I decided it was worse for me to fight the issue and upset us both - - although I did give it a try - - so I finally agreed he should do what he thought was best . He wants to work - - of course - - but I don 't want him anywhere there may be a germ . He got so sick a few weeks ago after he went to the store and picked up the flu / cold germs from all the keyboards he worked on there . Several of our employees have been sick or are sick . I just want to protect him . He has SO MUCH to deal with as it is . Anyway , Jerry is giving the new guy his delivery van to drive . That means Jerry won 't have a vehicle up there . His pick - up is down here along with our two cars . Since the new guy is going to be working at BOTH of our locations , I suggested he have the new guy DELIVER Jerry down here to me . Brilliant , huh ? ? ? Jerry has a nice , private office here . It will be germ - free once I get through spraying it down with Lysol . Jerry can train the guy here . Then the guy can go back home , and Jerry can come home with me and I can hug him to pieces and keep him safe . My poor hubby ! I have talked to him several times today . I ask him constantly if he is eating because I know he tends to just forget to eat if I 'm not there orchestrating meals . He went yesterday to the grocery store by himself after I had to make an emergency exit out of town , and he bought a lot of TV dinners . You may remember from previous posts that when he goes shopping for groceries , he ALWAYS buys frozen shrimp , cocktail sauce and corn on the cob . He didn 't think he could possibly do that . He HAS to do something . If he loses any more weight , we will have to start buying new clothes and underwear . I 've thought about trying double - sided tape under the waistband of his briefs ! I worked all day at our store doing things that only I can do . I can 't really elaborate , but I am hoping that I won 't have to be here over two weeks . My store manager has been in terrible pain for months and months . She has gone to the doctor and to physical therapy and now to a Chiropractor . She will know Monday what the Chiropractor thinks is causing all the pain . All of us feel so sorry for her . She is a real trouper though . She is ALWAYS at work . She is even working tomorrow morning . She just endures the pain shooting down her leg . I love working with her because she is so good to me even when I 'm at my grouchiest , not that I was grouchy today . I was sad all day today , but I didn 't tell anyone why . I sure do miss my puppy . I found out two of my employees have new doggies . I was telling one that my doggy sells for $ 600 . She said hers was $ 800 ! Goodness ! Both of them have those little tiny dogs that you can hold in one hand . My puppy could sit on both of their puppies at the same time and completely hide them . When Jackie is full grown , I 'm sure she could hide them both under one paw ! I brought work home with me to do here tomorrow . Hopefully , it won 't take too long , and I can finish the blouse I started weeks ago and show it to you . Have a REALLY nice weekend ! I wish I was with Jerry , but he is probably glad to have a break from me . I must ask him 20 times a day if he is hungry and wants something to eat . Only 4 more Chemo treatments to go ! This is one time in my life I wish time really would FLY ! Hugs , Joy Chemo day was yesterday . I should have KNOWN from the beginning that it was NOT going to be a good day . I had let Jackie - - our 11 - week old puppy - - out into the garage the night before to visit with the cats . I don 't know WHY I did that as the cats look at her as though she is an alien from the great beyond . They hiss and wave a paw , and then they both run and hide under the cars . In just a few minutes , I opened the laundry room door and she came running back into the house . The cats were nowhere in sight ! Now it is yesterday morning , and Jerry and I have to be at the hospital at 8 : 45 for his lab work . As often happens with me when I know I have an appointment in the morning , I didn 't sleep much at all Tuesday night . I saw 2 AM and 3 AM and 4 AM go buy on the clock next to my bed . I got up a few times . I turned my pillow over and around and puffed it up a dozen times . Just could NOT get to sleep . Jerry was sleeping soundly next to me except for all the times I woke him up pounding on my pillow . My alarm went off at 6 : 30 , and I got out of bed feeling like someone must have poked me with a pin during the night and drained every ounce of energy out of me . I went out to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and landed in my glider to sip it . Jerry had already been up for an hour and had done payroll . He KNEW I hadn 't slept and was super sleepy . He suggested that instead of my staying with him for five hours at Chemo , that he just take himself . NO WAY ! I wasn 't about to do that . I did suggest that maybe I could just drop him off - - come back home and take a quick nap - - and then pick him up after Chemo . He said that was fine . So that was the plan . Before I went back to my bedroom to get dressed , I had to go get something out of my car in the garage . When I walked out into the garage I smelled something NASTY . I looked around to see if the cats had died during the night or something , and then I saw it . Jackie had pooped in THREE different places on the garage floor . AARRGGHH ! ! ! I decided to leave it until it was dry , and then clean it up . I went back in and got ready to go . It is 8 : 00 AM and we are leaving to go to Braum 's to have a quick breakfast and then go to the hospital . Just before I turned the doorknob to enter the garage , I said to Jerry : " WATCH WHERE YOU WALK . THERE IS POOP ALL OVER THE GARAGE ! " He steps in the poop ! Yep . He has his brand new Christmas shoes on , and the heel of one is now covered with smashed poop ! I growl something and run to grab some paper towels and a wet wipe for him to clean his shoe off . We finally get in the car and head to Braum 's . I order a bacon / egg biscuit and he ordered a Big Country Breakfast . We sit down across each other in a booth to eat . I take my biscuit all apart - - as I always do - - and put the bacon in one place , the biscuit flat on its bottoms side by side , and the egg in another place . I salt and pepper the egg . I put butter and jam on the two biscuit halves . I pick up a fork and I start eating . As I 'm eating , I stare at Jerry . As I am staring at Jerry , I notice that he has the WRONG shirt on . He is supposed to wear a button - up the front shirt so the nurses can unbutton it to get to his port . I tell Jerry . He says we have to go home so he can change . I tell him we will be late . He says we have to go anyway . I toss the rest of my breakfast and so does he , and we head back home - - just five minutes away . I tell him I will run in and grab the shirt and he can change at the hospital . I came out with the shirt , and he started peeling off the two shirts he already had on and put on the new shirt . I was not happy driving without his seat belt on him , but I did . He finally got the shirt buttoned up - - the seat belt on - - and we got to the hospital where I dropped him off at 8 : 49 AM . Already late . Jerry went up to the third floor and checked in . He sat and sat and sat . He noticed lots of people coming in after him and then being sent to the lab where he was supposed to go . If I had been there , I would have said something immediately . Jerry isn 't me - - thank God - - and he just waited . After a while he finally went up to the window to discover that they had FORGOTTEN to tell the lab he was there . That made him late for Chemo which is on the fourth floor , but he finally got there too . MEANWHILE , back at the ranch , I wasn 't at the ranch . I got the idea to go to PetSmart to get some things for Jacque . I was just going to run in and run back out , but I got mesmerized by all the doggie things they had . I also went into the grooming salon and talked with the two people in there who had no animals to work on . One was a very nice young man who came out of the salon and lead me all over the store from item to item that I asked about . When I checked out , the nice young man handed me a package of Puppy Coupons and told me that I should buy them because I could get all this " free stuff " including a free Puppy Training Class . I said , " Fine " . I paid $ 20 for the coupon book and the cashier lady told me I needed to choose a date for my " FREE " Puppy Training Class . I looked at the calendar she handed me and circled a date . Then she said , " That will be $ 109 . 00 . " I tell the clerk the class was supposed to be FREE ! She looks at my coupon and figures out she has put the wrong class in the register . I wait for her to fix all of that , and then I have to choose a different class . Before I left , I also made an appointment for Jacque to be groomed at 1 : 00 on Sunday . I FINALLY got back home where Jackie was waiting in all of her fluffy cuteness for me to tell her how adorable she was . By then , it was too late to take a nap , so no nap got taken . I decided to go to lunch and then go get Jerry , which I did . I walked into the chemo room which was surprisingly quite vacant of patients . I walked around the whole place , and I finally had to ASK where Jerry was . He was around a corner and in a corner . When I walked over to where he was , I immediately noticed several puddles of water in front of and next to his chair . I turned and said something to the first non - patient I saw and mentioned that there was water on the floor . The non - patient turned out to be Jerry 's nurse - for - the - day named Bonnie . Think of it . It was ice . It fell and splattered and then melted , so it was in several places - - not just one . I could very easily have slipped and fallen on the hard floor if I hadn 't seen it first . The patients get up out of their chairs - - and they are weak and sick - - and they have to roll the drug holder thing with them to go to the bathroom . HOW are they supposed to see the water on the floor which was RIGHT in the walkway to the bathroom ? Bonnie walked away after her pronouncement . I ASSUMED she would return and wipe up the melted ice puddles . NOPE ! I decided I would just clean it up myself . There was a coffee / water / snack bar nearby , so I figured there would be napkins or paper towels nearby . There was a man volunteer standing near it doing nothing , so I asked him if he knew where I could get a paper towel to wipe up the water on the floor . He reached over a counter and grabbed a few paper towels - - and instead of wiping up the water himself - - he gave them to me . Whatever . I threw the paper towels down into one of the puddles and stepped on them with my shoe . Later , Bonnie showed up to tend to Jerry 's drugs . I said something to her about water on the floor being very dangerous for these sick people to be walking in . She informed me it had been there for ONLY ONE HOUR , and she was busy . She said if I had a complaint I could talk to her charge nurse , Renae ' . Renae ' was just a few feet away and she turned and Bonnie pointed her out to me . Renae ' wasn 't the least bit interested either , and she turned and went somewhere else . I never spoke to Renae ' . Jerry and I just left . The day did not get any better . Many more things happened , but the worst part was the scolding I received from a friend at how inconsiderate I had been to the poor nurse who spilled the ice . She thought my mentioning the ice would make the nurse be mean to Jerry on future visits . I should have just cleaned it up and never have mentioned it . OH ! I forgot to tell you that the TV on Jerry 's chair was broken and had no sound . I did ask if anyone had advised someone that the TV needed repair . I was told by Bonnie that he could just sit in a different one . The same friend told me that I should have just kept quiet about that too because Jerry probably didn 't mind anyway . The good thing is , Jerry did just fine through the Chemo . He feels pretty good today , although he has those little red bumps all over his back and his front again , and his face looks like he has a slight sunburn . He says food tastes like metal , and his body feels strange . The not so good thing is I received a frantic phone call this morning from the Manager of our Kingston store . Due to several things going on down here beyond her control , I have had to rush back to Kingston and Jerry is now alone in Edmond . We are 150 miles apart . He swears he will be fine . I pray he will be . Tammy had to come get my baby , Jackie . I am so sad to have to leave her as I was really getting attached to her . Tammy , of course , will check in daily on her Dad . Her husband is having surgery on Monday , however , and I imagine she will need to stay with him after that . ANDDDDDDDDDD , remember my concern about spelling my puppy 's name " Jacque " or " Jackie " . I gave PetSmart the spelling " Jacque " because it is still on her tag . When I called to tell them I needed to cancel her grooming appointment today , the girl asked me my last name . I told her . She responded , " I will cancel Jock 's appointment . I will be getting a new name tag , lol . Not ONLY did he work all morning at his desk , have a man come to the house for a 2 - hour interview , do payroll and take it to the Post Office - - all of which ended about 4 : 30 this afternoon - - he told me he felt better today than he has felt since this started . Then I asked him if he felt good enough to go out for a steak dinner so we could use the gift cards we received for Christmas . He said he would love to have a steak . I was shocked ! He hasn 't been eating hardly anything , never mind steak ! He drove and we went to Longhorn . I had a delicious steak with crab meat on top of it , and Jerry had prime rib . We both had a baked sweet potato . Yum , yum ! Chemo treatment # 2 is tomorrow morning at 9 : 00 . It will take 3 1 / 2 hours . We are glad but not glad . It has to be done . It is just so nice to have Jerry feeling good ! This doggie is keeping me running . HOW LONG does it take to potty train one of these ? ? ? I 've taken her out 100 times , but still she will go on the floor if I don 't grab her butt up faster than lightning and put her outside . Her " babies " were smelling so nasty , I just put them in the washer . It is a good thing she is so cute . Speaking of said doggie , I have to go ! Nice day . We went to " church " this morning and watched Pastor Matthew Hagee . Matthew was preaching about the vine and the branches and being pruned . He had an actual grapevine behind him , and he was cutting branches off of it . It was quite good . I love a visual example of a sermon . After church , I decided to TRY to make a video of Jackie so you could see her darling little face . I 'm not sure you can see her face , but you can see how totally darling she is . Jackie is so good . She even takes a nap in the afternoon . While Jackie was taking a nap , I figured something out in my jewelry room . Phylly was over for a play day a few weeks ago , and when she came over she brought me a box with her jewelry making paraphernalia in it . She says it hurts her hands too much to make jewelry , so she isn 't going to do it anymore . I , of course , was thrilled to get the beads and the wire . I was taking them OUT of the box she had them in and filing them away in their proper color box of my beads when I realized that her box was adjustable . It had those little plastic space dividers in it . As I was removing the beads , I realized the compartments could be made JUST large enough to put all of my headpins in . Now , I have a LOT of headpins . It was the one jewelry - making accessory I had not been able to find a good place for . Up until today they had all been in a big baggie labeled " Headpins " . ( In this pic , the bag is empty . ) I also received a Mail Cart from an office supply place I order from at my stores . Thank goodness Jerry felt good enough yesterday to help me assemble it . I was getting it together - - sort of - - but I would have had to have the wheels up in the air in order for the shelves to work right . I would have figured it out eventually . There seems to be this SLIGHT DISTRACTION around here all of a sudden . She is black and furry and really cute ! I take her outside about 4 times an hour , so I haven 't been making much jewelry or sewing . Thanks to all of you who sent me great doggie name suggestions . Several of them were names I had thought of myself . My husband , oddly enough , has a very definite opinion on this subject . Who knew ? After much back and forth - - up and down - - and all around - - we came to a compromise . He said I could change the spelling to " J A C K I E " so everyone who read her name on her tag as " Jacque " would not call her " Jock " . I started calling her " Miss Jackie " this morning just because it flew out of my mouth , and I like that . I have said it so much now , she is becoming Jackie . She is the sweetest dog . She let me take a wet wash cloth and wash her eyes and her mouth tonight . I 'm concerned about leaving her here alone as Jerry and I ARE going to have to leave to go to Chemo and to Kingfisher to take care of his deceased Mother 's affairs . We will take it a day at a time - - just like everything else . I should have KNOWN it was too good to last . I won 't go into detail , but suffice it to say that someone asked me if they could come spend time with me . I didn 't really HAVE the time to do it , but I said , " Sure ! " " When and what and how ? " I was going to have to leave Jerry alone with a new puppy most of the day today to keep my promise to go to lunch with friends and then shopping , BUT I thought this person was special enough that she deserved it . Before she left the other night , I asked her specifics to be SURE she was coming . Oh , yes , she was sure . Well , she was a NO SHOW and a NO CALL and a NO TEXT . I am SO disappointed . Just when you think you have someone in your life you can count on , you find out they are just like all the rest of young people today . I cried for awhile , but then I REMINDED myself that I 'm not letting other people determine my happiness . I got over it . Next time , I will tell her I 'm too busy ! Other than THAT , this was a very nice day . The new puppy who is now nameless , is ADORABLE ! Phylly and Sheila from our store came to have lunch with me today so they could meet her . It was all I could do to keep them from KIDNAPPING her . Phylly says she will babysit her at her house if I need her to . RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT ! Phylly sleeps in a recliner with 2 dogs in her lap and from 1 to 3 kids and maybe a cat or two . Not happening here - - EVER ! Dogs and children have their OWN BEDS in my world . Call me mean , but that 's the way I am . My daughter is the same as Phylly . I have gone to her house and found an entire litter of puppies on her pillows while she was in bed ! She did NOT get that from me . My first husband of less than two years - her Dad - was that way though . I have called this doggy EVERYTHING but " Jacque " . It just doesn 't " fit " her . Besides , isn 't that a man 's name - - like that diver that used to be on TV - - Jacque Ceusteau ( sp ) ? I have called her " Baby Girl " mostly . I told Jerry I didn 't like her name . He said I could name her what I wanted to . I told him I liked " Baby " . He said , " There is NO WAY we are calling a giant dog " Baby " . I told him giant guys are often called " Tiny " . I think it is perfect . Nope . He doesn 't like it . I told him I sort of like Bebe , BB , Beebe ( how do you spell it ? ! ) . We had a dog when our kids were little I named BB for " Black Beauty " . I didn 't think we should have TWO dogs with the same name , but Jerry thinks that is silly . He really likes that name . I don 't . Did I mention that Jerry is REALLY grumpy right now . His fever has gone up again even after three days of antibiotics . Food tastes horrible , and he isn 't eating . He has lost all the weight he gained . I am REALLY FORTUNATE that he is even allowing me to have this puppy . ANY SUGGESTIONS for a " B " name for my puppy ? ? ? I want a name that doesn 't sound like a people name . I love " Barkley " and " Woofie " , but they are boy names . How about " Bella " ? That is kind of cute . I just looked it up and it means " beautiful " in Italian . Jerry will say she isn 't Italian . WHO CARES ! ? She is so black , you can hardly see her face . Maybe Jerry will feel better tomorrow , and he will let me call her " Baby " . I better play with her for a little while before she goes to bed . She slept all night long in her " box " , and she never whimpered or made any sounds . Such a sweet doggy ! I am shocked at how much family Jerry and I suddenly have . Tammy , my daughter , always comes over as soon as she hears we are in town . We just got here yesterday . She was here shortly after we arrived . She left and we got a call from her son , Jacob . He wanted to know if he and his girlfriend could come over to pick up some CD 's I had purchased for them . SURE ! Come on over . They stayed for a long time , and we watched several episodes of Andrew Wommack 's programs on the TV . Jacob loved them and wanted to keep watching more . They left after 10 PM , and we headed right to bed . Then it was today - - chemo day # 2 . Jerry was scheduled to be there at 9 : 00 . He woke up feeling horrible though . Chest congestion and a cough . Took his temp and it was 100 . 5 which is the EXACT number requiring a phone call to the doctor . We called . The doctor said he needed to come in for a chest x - ray and chemo would be rescheduled . We went . He was seen by a PA who about fell over when he looked inside Jerry 's ears . He said they are PACKED solid with wax and he can 't even see his eardrum . Jerry 's ears don 't even hurt . NO WONDER the man can 't hear half of what I say . He uses a thermometer that goes " beep - beep - beep " when it is ready to read . It beeps so long , I finally holler at him to turn the thing off . He says , " What are you talking about , Joy ? I don 't hear a beep ? " He said Jerry needed his ears washed out by a doctor so the ear drum could be seen . I asked him why HE couldn 't do it . He said Jerry had to see his primary care physician . AARRGGHH ! ! ! ! Not THAT again ! How many doctors do you have to have before you don 't need any more doctors ? The PA suggested we go to one of those waste - of - time clinics today , but Jerry just did not feel like it . He rested in his recliner all afternoon . You may remember me telling you that my daughter and her husband have a kennel . They raise several breeds of dogs , but they have recently been breeding a Poodle with a Golden Retriever which makes Golden - Doodles . You can google it and see I 'm telling you right . I have wanted one ever since she told me about them . They usually sell them for $ 600 a piece and have no problem selling litter after litter . All the puppies were gone except for this ONE girl puppy . She told me about her and how she hadn 't sold . I told her that I WANTED that puppy myself . She told me that was impossible with her Dad being so ill , but I kept telling her I really did want her . She asked me how I was going to take care of Jerry - - two cats - - and a dog . I told her she was probably right . SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . I open the door , and there they are . I was SO EXCITED ! I took lots of pics , but this is the only one I can attach right now . Hollie is married to my grandson , John , who is stationed in Alaska with the US Army right now . Hollie came home for the holidays , but John couldn 't get leave . Hollie had just been to the gym to work out so had no make - up on . I asked her to let me take a pic before they took my puppy back home : " We CAN ' T be hauling a huge dog and two cats back and forth between our houses , Joy ! It is ABSURD ! It is CRAZY ! Don 't even think about it ! " I had not ASKED Tammy to bring the puppy over here , BUT all of a sudden here she was in all her fluffy cuteness . Tammy , Hollie , the puppy and I all landed in the middle of the living room floor - - RIGHT NEXT to where Jerry was resting in his recliner . The puppy - - who , by the way , was temporarily named " Shannon " at that point - - was perfectly well - behaved . Just stayed right there with us . She was as calm as could be . Not hyper . Didn 't make a sound . Came right to me and let me hug and cuddle her to pieces . Tammy told me that she and Len had decided to let me HAVE the puppy after all . She said they were really getting attached to her , but they knew I wanted her . She said that they would keep her for us when we had to go to Kingston to check on the house . PERFECT ! She told me if I didn 't like the name " Shannon " , that I needed to name her . I thought about it and thought about it , but I couldn 't really come up with a name because I didn 't know her well enough yet . ALL OF A SUDDEN - - from the recliner where Jerry was supposedly NOT paying attention , we heard : We played for awhile and then they had to leave . The dog is still taking antibiotics for a virus , and Tammy didn 't want to leave her here until she is all better . That was good . Plus I needed to buy dog food and a gate and some toys and . . . . They all left . Just as Tammy , Hollie and Jacque were leaving , my phone rang . It was Jacob . He wanted to know if he and Kourtney could come over tonight . I told them to come on and I started dinner for four . We had a marvelous time . Kourtney worked my 1000 - piece puzzle that I got for Christmas while Jacob helped me with supper . We got through eating our dessert of four different kinds of ice cream I found in the garage freezer when my phone rang again . It was Tammy 's husband , Len . They were at Petco buying things for Jacque that I had told Tammy I was going to need . HOW NICE WAS THAT ? They bought me dog food , doggie toys , a doggie collar with name tag and a doggie gate . I had to have all those things before I could keep Jacque here . We have a fenced back yard , so that isn 't a problem . She is already potty trained at 11 weeks old . How AMAZING is that ? ! While Jacob and Kourtney were still here , Tammy and Len came over with all the things they had bought at Petco . We have had LOTS of company today , and it has been very , very heartwarming and wonderful . Everyone just gathers around Jerry as he rests in his recliner ; and he , being the type that could sleep on a rock in a tornado , just comes and goes as he pleases - - never leaving his chair . He is surrounded with love from everyone that comes here , and it is as it should be . We are a " family " . There have been years and years when I wondered if we EVER would be that again . Whatever has caused it , I can only say , " Thank you , God , and PLEASE don 't let it stop . " So much more , but that 's enough for tonight . Just had to show you our new baby . Tammy says she won 't be small for long . Hey everyone ! Another Monday down the drain , and Jerry 's energy seems to have gone down the drain with it ! He was doing SO GOOD , I almost forgot several times he isn 't all better yet . He has been up before me in the morning and coming to bed after me at night . He watched a zillion hours of football - - fixed two leaky toilets - - went to the skin doctor and the hardware store - - worked several hours at the store Friday night fixing computer issues - - ate and ate and ate some more ! - - and then , it started happening . I looked up at his head , and there were lots of bald spots on one side of his head . I felt so bad for him , but I didn 't let on . I told him he still had a lot left . I got out his electric hair - cutter - offer that has a guide on it , and I put the guide on as low as it would go without scalping him . I didn 't want to shave him down to the skin , so I left about 1 / 8 " all over . I love to run my hands around and around on it , and I call him Colonel Bernsides . Fortunately , he has this really cool hat that I asked him to buy one time when we were at Bass Pro Shop . He doesn 't really like it , but I think it looks amazing on him . And remember the boots I ordered from Zappos ? You DO know about Zappos , don 't you ? You order a BUNCH of shoes or boots , and they come to you the NEXT DAY . You have ONE YEAR to return them , and they pay the freight both ways . ( Yes , I know they don 't REALLY - - but . . . It makes it a whole lot easier to do returns even if I really am paying for them . You print out their label and slap it back on their box . Too simple . ) I ordered six pair , but I kept only two pair . I took my skirt to the store with me so I could try the boots on with it . Here are the tree pair of boots I decided I liked . I did keep the other two pair . The pair above is Ann Klein , and I really like it . Of course , you can 't see most of the boots under the long skirt , but I know they are under there , lol . Since Jerry is in bed already , I guess I 'll go watch some videos on my laptop and get educated in some new jewelry project . I just ALMOST finished a new blouse . It is a Silhouette pattern , and it gave me all the usual fits ! I 'll explain when I get it done . Our cat , Boots , had a boo boo , as I 've posted , but there was so much hair on the boy , we couldn 't SEE the boo boo . Jerry adores our cats - - and , I guess , I sort of do to , but don 't tell him - - and he was worried that whatever the wound was might get infected . Therefore , we took him to the vet yesterday . The wound was barely visible , but we had noticed Boots licking the hair to death in that area , and he squealed if you tried to touch it . We packed our fat kitty into his carrier and took him to the vet . Now , this is a country vet , and the girls that work for him aren 't the brightest employees in the world . One of them takes her young son to work with her , and he was running in and out the doors and making weird noises . One of the young girls asked us a bunch of questions . Their " system " consists of 5 x 7 index cards that they WRITE down what you say on . Yep ! Real advanced technology . The poor girl was trying to HAND write all of this down on the 5 x 7 card , and she wasn 't keeping up very good at all . She decides we can leave the cat there since Jerry and I both have a doctor appointment ourselves in an hour . We can call her later to find out what the vet decides to do . I called back later to find out what was going on . The girl told me that Boots had to be sedated so the vet could look at the wound . AND , since Boots was sedated , he had to spend the night . GREAT ! I could see dollar signs adding up in my brain ! So we had to go back this morning to pick Boots up from the vet . Jerry said in the car that we would probably owe $ 150 . I told him it SURELY couldn 't be that much . All they did was cauterize the wound and give him a shot of antibiotics . The bill was $ 177 . 10 ! I guffawed and shrieked , " WHAT ON EARTH did you do to Boots that cost that much ? She looked at her computer screen which I was surprised to see they even had , and she said , " Boots was " fractious " , and there was an extra charge for that . " " Fractious " ? , I asked . What does THAT mean ? She said Boots was VERY temperamental and the vet could not get close enough to even see the wound . The vet CAUTERIZED the wound . I GUESS that is the black part . Well , right now , this minute , ALL of that black stuff has been licked off , and the wound is open . I was able to put some antibiotic cream on it , but I imagine Boots will just lick that off too . The girl at the vet 's office told me that Boots COULD NOT LICK that area . Does she know ANYTHING about cats at all ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I 'm beginning to wonder ! Jerry feels really good right now - - just like his old self . Nothing hurts . His voice is back . He does complain that everything is too salty or too sweet , but that 's no biggy . He asked me to take a ride with him over to the pond a little while ago . He just wanted to sit and look at his handiwork . It was wonderful to see him have so much pleasure . For those of you who don 't know , we live on 11 acres in Southern Oklahoma . When we bought this property a thousand years ago , it was nothing but trees . Jerry built this pond all by himself - - week after week after week after week - - for seven years . It is an amazing feat , and he really loves it . Took this with my Iphone , so it isn 't much , but you can see how great he is feeling ! Praise God ! ! ! If you will click on " Youtube " , you can see a bigger version - - maybe . Jerry was just sitting there . I had been sitting next to him , but I MADE myself take a walk over to the dock to maybe lose an ounce or two . My husband weighs only 20 pounds more than I do right now . YIKES ! ! ! So that is it for today . I 've got to go find Jerry and find out what exciting thing we are going to watch on TV tonight . Last two nights were football . He watched both games for hours and hours . Didn 't come to bed until midnight . THAT IS AWESOME ! What a shame he has to get more Chemo on Wednesday just when he is feeling so great . I am a semi - retired business owner - secretary - bookkeeper . My husband still works all the time . I spend a lot of time sewing these days and reading blogs of others who sew . Underneath each day 's post you will see the word " Comments " . It may have a number in front of it like this " 2 Comments " . Click on that , and it will take you to a comment box . If the choices of accounts don 't make sense , choose " Anonymous " . Just put your first name in the post please so I 'll know who you are .

And despite how badly Scott treated me , he rarely said nasty things about him . During the early days , his goal was always to make me smile . He told me that sleep because the stress would get to me more than I realized . One time he said , " We need to get out of town . " He let me pick . I wanted to go to the beach status . Arrogant wasn 't a word I think anyone would ever use to describe Ed . Most of all , Ed became my valiant protector . He protected me and my heart . they can support themselves financially . It wasn 't always easy finding love again . I had a lot of bitterness and betrayal to deal with . Many times I took it out on Ed . He stood strong and was secure enough in himself to realize it wasn 't him . He understood I needed to heal . A lot happened after the move out . The next year was a year of adjustments . We had to figure out how to take care of the kids as a divorcing couple . It was a trying time as well . I let him continue to get the kids off the bus and come into my house and start homework with them as he always did . This caused many issues . He was always going through my stuff - mail , paperwork , looking in my room , etc . He thought I was too stupid not to notice . He even opened a gift card I had hidden behind something on the windowsill to see who it was from . My son was upset because it was a Starbucks gift card for his birthday from the kids . So of course I heard about the snooping from my son . He made comments about fresh flowers I had at the house . He even accused me of having a party one weekend when he had the kids . Why ? He had to stop at the house for something one of the kids forgot . I wasn 't home . He went into my son 's room and found one of my shoes in the middle of the room ! I swear I laughed about that one forever ! I have no idea how it got there but it was ONE shoe and perhaps the dog drug it in there ? Who knows and who cares ? Most importantly , how does that indicate a party ? He still comes to my house after school a few days a week . I had to threaten to not allow him into the house anymore and would change the locks if he didn 't leave my stuff alone . He finally stopped and for the most part it works now . It is good for the kids . Then , there was the legal stuff . I hired a lawyer . He represented himself . So he paid ZERO dollars for the divorce . He thought he was a lawyer and wanted all kinds of crazy shit . My lawyer laughed at him . She wanted to know where he got some of his demands and requests . He would threaten me constantly . I just kept plugging forward legally . There were lots of fights and I was regularly called a bully . He wasn 't getting his way like he was used to and therefore I was a bully . Interestingly enough , it was him that was acting bullish . I was simply implementing boundaries and legally proceeding . He did not want me to use a lawyer . He wanted him and I to write up our own agreement . I am glad I didn 't go that route . Then , there was the insanity . He demanded to speak to the children every single night . He would get so irate if I missed a night . Well , sometimes I was busy with them at night and forgot or just didn 't have time . It was a big change for us and it required adjustment learning to balance getting home at 6 pm , dinner , homework , bedtime . For awhile my son threw hour long or more fits at night before bedtime . It was hard for me to deal with . I was often just mentally exhausted at night . Well , one night during a massive fit with my son , Scott kept calling . I answered angrily and told him it wasn 't a good time and to relax . He proceeded to text me . I told him to back off , put my phone in my room on the charger and silenced it . I didn 't need him on me while I was trying to get my son to settle . About an hour later , my son was settled and asleep . I was in my daughter 's room tucking her in when there was a knock at my door . It was 9 : 30 pm . My dog went crazy barking . I flicked on the light and there in the dark with a flashlight was the Sheriff . I answered the door . He told me that my husband called them to check on his kids . That I was not answering the phone and he thought they might be in danger . My response was " Are you kidding me ? " He asked if I and the kids were ok . I said I was just fine . My daughter was behind me and he saw her . I turned around and asked her to go back to her room . I stepped outside and closed the door behind me . He said " I am so sorry to bother you on a school night at this hour ma ' am . " My reply " He is no longer my husband , nor does he live her anymore . We are getting divorced . " He said , " We will make note ma ' am . We have on record that he contacted us before . " I asked " He did ? " He said , " Yes ma ' am , he wanted us to escort him here to check on his kids because I wouldn 't let him come by one day . We told him we don 't do that . " I shook my head in disbelief and wished him a good night . I checked my phone and had 30 missed calls and text messages threatening to call the police . I went into my daughter 's Things got better as time went on . Craziness ensued on occasion . My kids did relatively well considering . I am very proud of them . Posted by After I found out about the affair , there was no turning back . My mind was made up . I recently spoke with a friend who went through a divorce and she said once she made up her mind finally to take the leap it was like a light switch went off . There was no way she could go back . That is a great way to describe it . We agreed that he would move out January 1 . That meant we would live together for 5 months . We had some financial things to take care of first before we split residences . This became a very difficult time . We slept in separate rooms . He hated this and would sometimes beg me to come sleep in the same bed with him . It was pretty pathetic . We basically worked and took care of the kids . We did not speak to each other unless it was about the kids . I also did not wear my wedding ring anymore . As far as I was concerned , I wasn 't married anymore . This drove him crazy ! He continued to wear his . I refused . I put it back in the box and tucked it to the back of a shelf in my armoir . At one point he accused me of pawning it . I am not sure why he thought that but I often didn 't understand the way he thought . He got so aggressive about me pawning it I ultimately had to show him that I still had it . He claimed it was community property and if I pawned it I owed him half the money . Honestly , that didn 't even cross my mind , but this is the insanity of his brain . The things he would be concerned about . Several weeks later he accused me of stealing his passport . ( He was planning a trip with Kari out of the country I now know ) . I asked him why he needed it suddenly ? He said none of my business . I then asked why would I want to steal it ? He said nothing and just started digging around . He found it of course . It occurred to me one day to check on my ring in it 's hidden spot . It was gone . The box was there but the ring was missing . I confronted him . He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about . I gave him 24hrs to return it . I probably put some ultimatum on the line but don 't recall what it was . The next day I was outside with the kids and he walked out and said , " I found your ring . " I said , " Oh yeah , where ? " He said , " Go look in your room . You had it hidden in the back of the drawer wrapped up in a nightgown . " WHAT ? Insane I tell you . I went in my room and he literally had staged it like he was looking for it . He pulled the drOther things happened . During a fight one time he said he recorded things I had said during a previous fight and would use it against me in court . I lunged at him to grab his phone he was waving in my face and he jumped backwards hitting his elbow on the edge of the towel rack . I gave him a knee to the thigh and walked away . He left the house and drove to the police station to file a domestic violence report . He came back and claimed they were at the corner waiting for his call to come arrest me if I harmed him again . I left the house for the weekend . It was worse then it had ever been . He becaming raging jealous . He started looking at my phone when I wasn 't in the room . I was never like him where I had my phone on my person 24 / 7 . I had to start keeping it with me at all times and locking it down . He would hear me on the phone and hear a male voice . He would confront me right there on the spot . It was my dad ! I befriended another guy online who was going through a divorce . He lived locally and we shared a mutual friend , but we never met in person . We talked a lot about our divorce and kids . We shared a similar profession . One day he texted me while I was cutting the grass and I had my phone on the bumper of my car . Scott walked out and picked up and saw the contents of the text message that said simply " Just got home . You watching the game tonight ? " That was it . I was having an affair with this guy . I didn 't hear the end of it . So one weekend I made plans to stay downtown with a friend . Scott was convinced it was this guy he saw the text from . The guy has a unique name and he looked him up online and called his house . His ex wife still lived there and Scott told her we were spending the weekend together . He had called every hotel downtown asking to be transferred to this guy 's room . One hotel transferred him to a room so he was convinced that is where we were . The guy texted me the next day and said " What the hell is going on ? Why is he contacting my ex wife ? " I apologized and said he is going crazy . I asked if he happened to be downtown the night before and he said he was not . He also told me that he couldn 't talk to me anymore because his divorce was civil and he did not need anyone messing it up . We never talked again . However , I never heard the end of this guy I have never met in my life from Scott . I started going to see a counselor . More just to talk then seek help . It was good for me . She didn 't give advice really but just listened and asked questions . She gave perspective sometimes that helped digest what was happening . One time he asked to come with me to talk to her . I didn 't want this of course . He wanted to talk to her about how to tell the kids about the divorce . I thought this was stupid . It was our decision and we were capable of figuring that out . He insisted that I was being selfish and again threatened to hold it against me in court if I didn 't seek out this professional opinion . ugh . Always threatening me . So I gave in . I told her he was coming . He wore a suit of course ! I walked in and sat down in my usual spot on the couch across from her desk where she sat . He sat in the chair . He did all the talking . I just sat there . He asked her about how to tell the kids . Her response was " You two are very intelligent people . You know your kids better than anyone else . There is no right or wrong way . Just tell them the truth . Don 't sugar coat it . " So that was that and he spent the rest of our hour giving her an ear full about me . On the way out the door , she called me back in and said " Can you please setup an appt with me to meet next week by yourself ? " I went in the following week and she had a lot to say this time . She talked about my demeanor with him present . She said that at first she was confused by my behavior as it was not similar to our previous appointments . I was sitting there with my arms and legs crossed , coat still on and staring at her the whole time . She noticed my body was twisted away from him . After he just kept talking , it occurred to her that it was him . His presence had a profound effect on me . She said that his personality was so apparent to her and that I could choose to stay with him and work through it with him . Or , I could just leave him . This was the first time she ever said anything like that . She warned me that someone with his personality would not change unless he wanted to and it would require years of therapy / work . She said , I should not feel guilt leaving him if that was the decision I made . She also said , that based on her perception of his personality , the reason he wanted to meet with her was to get his jabs at me , not to ask about the kids . She believes he can 't stand that I was talking to her about him and he wanted his opportunity to tell her about me . The holidays were approaching . I don 't recall what we did for Thanksgiving at all . I do know that he went on a cruise with Kari for 10 days right before Christmas . He literally came home on Dec . 23rd . He of course said it was for work . I could have given two shits where he was and if he ever returned . My family was all at my house . They all knew at this point too . It was sorta uncomfortable but more for him than me . The reason I know about his cruise is because he never went away for 10 days for work , I literally didn 't even get a text about the kids from him one time , she worked for a luxury cruise line out of Ft . Lauderdale , he needed his passport , I found receipts for the Ritz Carlton in Ft . Lauderdale in our luggage and finally , tell me the last time you heard of any work convention taking place for 10 days before Christmas ? I swear he thought I was a complete fool . It is important to note here that during these 5 months he begged me to not end it and then finally asked me to let him stay and continue to live with us . He proposed we could lead separate lives and maintain the home for the kids . He used to try to guilt me in that he couldn 't afford a nice place to live and that he would have to live in a cave . He said the kids can 't see him living in a shoebox . Blah , blah , blah , blah . . . . I didn 't care and I didn 't give in . He said I was evil because I didn 't care if he was on the street . I didn 't . Once I found the receipts to the Ritz , I sent him a picture of them via text and said " For someone who says he wants to make things right , you sure didn 't pass up the opportunity to take a 10 day cruise with your mistress ! " And I just laughed . It turns out he supposedly got his best friend / boss to get a corporate lease at a fancy place to live . I know how much he was making and his pay would literally be consumed by the rent of this place so there was no way he was paying for it . His credit was so bad he couldn 't get a place that would let him rent that would meet his living standards - luxury , pool , fitness room , security , gated , etc . So he worked his magic on someone of means to make it possible for him . That 's how he always worked . We agreed to tell the kids together . We agreed on what we would say . The truth . Except when it came down to it , he took over the conversation and made it sound like it was temporary - not following the professional opinion he sought out . I of course over time had to clean up that mess with my kids . Things were not right with Scott and I after he got fired about two years after moving to Louisiana and the day before our second child was born . I won 't get into all the details of his job loss , jumping and quitting throughout the duration of our relationship . But , this time I had quit my career and was a stay at home mom . I depended on him to make it right this time . After getting fired , he passed up some decent opportunities ( didn 't pay enough for what he felt he was worth ) and started a business with two other guys . Again , I put my faith in him . I helped him with the business until I was forced to start working and the money was running out . It was very hard for me . I am a gal who needs financial security and every month it was getting harder . I started doing whatever I could work - wise considering I had two very young kids and no money for child care . I worked at the preschool my son attended a few hours a week . I worked for an account scanning documents for $ 10 / hr . I was freelancing in web design at night and on the weekends . Finally , I landed a part - time consulting job where I could work form home and my freelancing started to take off . However , by this time , Scott was not even making an income anymore as the business was failing . Eventually it closed . I begged him to find anything ! I told him to go be a bartender till he got something . He promised me daily but did nothing . Meanwhile , I got a job waiting tables on the weekends . I consulted during the nights after taking care of the kids during the day . I was the only one carrying us with a very unsteady and low income . By summer I was ready to leave the marriage . I had enough with how he was letting our life crumble and doing nothing . I know now he was already talking to Kari at this point . One day we got in a huge fight because I wasn 't allowed to cry about our financial situation . I left the house after telling him I want to leave our marriage and planned to go home to visit my parents like I did every summer but this time I wasn 't coming back . I intended to find a job there and start my life over . He got desperate and begged me to come home . He drove around town with the kids looking for me . He contacted my friends . He found one at the church and begged her to tell me not to leave . I went to a Beth Moore lecture with my girlfriends about a month after that episode . At the end , Beth said something that struck a cord so hard with me that I sat down in the pew and sobbed . I don 't recall what it was but it was something about identifying and ridding the negativity from your life . I knew at that point the negativity that was destroying my life was my husband . It was crystal clear . My friends finally got an earful of the truth of what was my life . Most didn 't know how bad it was . How we were on the brink of losing everything . It was very hard to admit what was going on in my life out loud . They were very supportive and held me up the way good friends do and in their own ways . One friend referred us to marriage counseling . The first time we went , the counselor asked me if I loved him . I sat silent for some time thinking of how to answer . Scott just stared at me in disbelief . I finally answered " I don 't know . " He was very upset by that . The counselor ultimately told him that he needs to be the man of the family and provide the support that a man should to his family . A wife does not want to bear the burden of everything . She basically told him to get a job and help me out with the home and children . A month later I landed a full - time job . I also landed a large freelance job . Shortly after , Scott finally got a job . Things were looking up . 3 months later he got fired . He told me the new boss didn 't like him because he was a male and she was cleaning house . I now believe it was because he needed to have a valid driver 's license for his job . I 've since learned he got a ticket that he never paid and then his license was revoked . I learned this from his mother who said they lent him the $ 650 to pay the ticket fees so he could get his license back but they weren 't supposed to tell me because he was afraid I would divorce him . So again , he was unemployed . He had to take care of the kids because I was working full - time now . After a several months of it he got depressed and needed that weekend getaway with his buddies that I wrote about in a previous post . Ya know , the one where Kari flew him using her miles , he charged $ 200 on our credit card for hotel room and he didn 't go there to sleep with her ? While he went out of town , I had to drag the kids to work with me because I couldn 't afford childcare . My boss later told me how he thought that was so shitty of Scott to " have to take a vacation " while he was unemployed . I concur . Eventually , I got a very good job and was back into my career ! At the same time , Scott was trying out another business venture with his friend Richard . They kept flying to Florida a lot to " learn about the industry " and go to conventions . This is also when he interviewed with Kari 's company . Even his mom started questioning why he was going to Florida so much . I basically didn 't care . Christmas was always as stressful time for me because Scott always caused issues with my Dad . I begged him this particular Christmas to not start trouble . He promised me he wouldn 't . After that , I regulary thought about leaving . I basically had one foot out the door . I waivered and thought and thought and thought about it . I talked to others who recently divorced for advice . Most said don 't do it because of the kids or save your money for a lawyer fees before you do anything . Every time he called me at work it was trouble . An accident , a ticket , a problem at work , a flat tire , blah , blah , blah . I would cry a lot at work after talking to him . Sometimes I wouldn 't take his calls out of fear of what the bad news was . Our financial situation was getting a little better but still very poor . A car got repossessed and shortly after returned because the payment and court order got crossed in the mail . We were trying to repay everything but at the same time he was having an affair and living the life . Everything was Richard . He came home with a pair of shoes . " Oh Richard ordered them online and they didn 't fit . So he gave them to me . " Or if he was texting while we watched TV , it was Richard about work . I find a Michael Kors cologne bag in the closet . " Richard got it as a gift from a customer and doesn 't like how it smells so he gave it to me . " Everything that was Kari , was covered up by saying it was Richard . I even caught him on the phone outside behind the shed one night . He was in his pjs . When I approached and said " What are you doing ? " he put the phone in his pajama bottoms pocket and I could see it was still lite up and on . He claimed he was talking to a co - worker who had the hots for his buddy . I told him that was the stupidest lie I ever heard and walked away . I just didn 't care . So one day while really having a hard time at work and crying in the break room about my marriage with a female co - worker , a male co - worker who overheard told me he fixed his marriage after 8 years of trouble . So naturally I sought him out privately to find out how . I think I still wanted that last attempt at salvaging before I jumped ship . He gave me advice and encouraged me to try for my kids sake . We talked a lot via IM about what happened to him and what was happening with me and compared notes . It was hard to talk in person about that stuff at work ( very little privacy ) and we didn 't see each other at all outside of work . So we IM 'd daily about how things were going and he suggested new things to try . He repeatedly told me I had to make it work for my kids . He was right . So I tried and took a lot of his advice . One day he said , " You loved him at one time because you married him . Why ? Try to go back to that reason . " That threw me for a loop . I didn 't know why . I couldn 't remember why . I went home that day and went for a 2 hour walk and cried because I didn 't know why I loved him and married him . The next day Scott left for his " week long convention " ( aka a week in Orlando with Kari ) and I had time to myself at night to think . I was digging through my nightstand looking for a notebook to start writing in and out fell a piece of paper . I started reading it and it was from the year before we moved to Louisiana . I wrote about loving Scott . I was stunned . I didn 't remember writing it but I guess I did and there it fell into my hands at a time I needed an answer . I went to work and immediately IM 'd my friend and told him . He was ecstatic for me . He said " When he gets back from his trip go outside on the patio and have a drink together . Just talk . " So that was what I did . We talked awhile and he said to me " You have been awful nice lately . " I admitted how I was feeling and how I consulted my friend and he was giving me advice . His first question to me was " Do you like this guy ? " . I just looked at him with a quizzical look on my face and said " No ? " He said then why are you talking to him ? I explained how it all started and said that the guy was encouraging me to save my marriage . He then said , " Well , I have someone I talk to as well and she has really been supportive and helping me " ( Kari ! ) But he wouldn 't tell me who because he said I know her . ( Lie . I didn 't and still don 't . ) That conversation didn 't end well and the next day I demanded to know who . I didn 't think it was fair that he couldn 't tell me and I wondered why . I told him the name of the person I was talking to . I had nothing to hide . So since he was being secretive I started to dig . There was no way in hell I was going to put anymore effort into my marriage at this point if he was cheating . A co - worker heard my story and was convinced he was cheating and encouraged me to keep digging . She told me I had to figure out the password to his phone and she believed the answer was within . She was right . So I finally gave him an ultimatum . Tell me who it is or I will start contacting every female I know . He said it was someone he went to college with and she was married to his college buddy so he didn 't want to tell me her name . He feared I would get jealous and contact her and cause trouble in her marriage . He told me her husband is a super control freak , that she works for his families ' business and has two daughters . I asked if he ever traveled to where she lives . He said no . I asked if she ever traveled to meet him . He said no and that she can 't travel anywhere without his family knowing since she worked for their business . He described someone else that I did know that wasn 't Kari . So I naturally figured it out based on the info above and confronted him about that person . He said , " what if it was ? how would you feel ? " I don 't recall the conversations after that but I do know it drug out awhile and he ultimately promised to stop talking to her . And important to note , somewhere in that conversation he said he doesn 't keep her name in his phone , just her number . And that he never intiates texting , only she does because if her husband found out he would kill her . So he waits for her to text . Between the above incident and the night I checked his phone in the hotel room different things went down . He started cleaning out his nightstand that was stuffed with all kinds of papers , business cards , etc . I had asked him for like a year to clean it out and suddenly he did . I asked him if he was clearing it out so I wouldn 't search it and potentially find anything . He got really mad at me . He got a text in the middle of the night and picked up his phone to read it . I pretended to be asleep and could see it was just a phone number , not a name . I confronted him and he got all upset and said it was his cousin sending him porn links . And then he went into this crying fit saying he needed help because he was addicted to porn and that was why he stayed up late at night after I went to bed . I told him I didn 't believe him . He put on quite an act . I said , " Then prove it to me . Get help . " He never did and I never heard another thing about this porn addiction ever again . So then comes our night out in the city while the kids are at my parents . He picks me up at work at 5 : 00 pm . He texted me he was downstairs waiting . We go downtown and end up at a bar owned by his high school buddy who moved to NOLA too . We eat dinner and drink for awhile with them . It 's Essence festival weekend so hotel prices are jacked up high but his buddy knew someone at the hotel next door and got us a room for the normal rate of $ 120 a night . We weren 't planning to spend the night so Scott volunteers to run home and get our stuff . I stay at the bar with his buddy and his wife just hanging out . He arrives back with our stuff and $ 650 in cash ! We were pretty broke so swinging the $ 120 for the hotel was a stretch . I asked where he got the money and he said Richard always carries around a lot of cash ( he is a millionaire ) and he gave it to him after work and told him to take me out so we could enjoy ourselves . I was very skeptical . . . We tried to go out on the town after that but it was miserable . We argued and disagreed about everything . We didn 't have fun and just decided to go back to the hotel and sleep . I woke up in the middle of the night to pee , checked his phone and saw the blank ( content deleted ) text message at 5 : 05 pm to a just a number ( not a name ) with the area code of Ft . Lauderdale - 5 minutes after he texted me he was downstairs at my work to pick me up . He had been to Florida at least 10 times in the past year " for work " . My heart sank , my hands quivered and eventually my whole body shook . It was over . So the adjusters show up . It is a nice sunny day . It is a husband and wife team from Pennsylvania . She examines the inside of the house . He the roof . They seem cordial and all . The apologize for our loss and leave . I feel uneasy . Not sure why . We returned back to Dallas . We still were unsure what our next step was . Do we get an apartment or not ? Where is his company going to send us ? One day we are going back to New Orleans the next day we are not . In the meantime , things are getting tense at the in - laws . At one point my mother - in - law had a little bit of a heated discussion that sent me over the edge . She left the house and in the 30 minutes she was gone I packed up every single item we owned that was at their house and moved us out . Remember my husband rented a UHaul to go back to check on the house , well , he brought a lot of stuff back with him . I drove south into Dallas because I knew my husband was working in Dallas . I called him on my cell and asked for directions . I think he was in shock that I made such a drastic move so suddenly but he handled it well and was supportive of my decision despite how rude I was being to his parents . He told me how to get to him and made reservations for us to stay at the hotel directly next door to his temporary office . We moved in and I settled down . I spent time shopping with my daughter , watching movies , going to Chuck E Cheese and hanging out with my old college roommate Liz . She let me use her washer and dryer and we had dinner over there a few times . Then , we were told we were to go back to New Orleans . Despite the condition of our home . Hubby 's job was returning to the city the following week . I was on the phone A LOT making preparations for our return home , etc . My best friend Jen offered up her camper still parked in Ohio ( she had moved to Florida the year before ) . That way we didn 't have to wait on FEMA to get us one . I called my parents and asked them if they would tow it down for me . Jen went to work trying to get a current license & registration on it as it had expired since the trailer was in storage . It was a lot of back and forth and coordination between her and I and my parents and her parents . Jen was awesome and patient despite the quick turnaround time needed . One random day in that week at the hotel , I got a phone call . I was in a mom 's club back home that happened to be an international club . The woman calling me was from the headquarters . She got word from our chapter president of the damage to our house . She said they have a fund to help out their members in times of need such as this . She informed me that they were mailing me a $ 5000 check and needed to know where to send it ! I was in my car and luckily I was parked because I just started crying . I had two feelings : guilt and humbleness . I felt guilty for being in need and humble for their generosity . I couldn 't thank her enough . What do you say to someone who you don 't know that is going to make getting those trees off your roof a reality ? We eventually made it home and met my parents with the trailer to live in . Before we could move back in , we had to clean up the house from the flea treatments and get the rooms with mold secured with plastic so it didn 't spread . We also had to gut the walls and treat the studs to remove mold . My parents stayed with us for a while helping us get things handled . Kate at 2 . 5 locked herself in the camper while we were all outside . It is a fun story to tell today but a little worrisome at the time . Roof has a blue tarp all across the front . Found a guy to remove the trees from our yard with his industrial size chain saw and front loader . Dad and his normal chain saw was not able to handle 50 - 60 year old 70 - 100 feet tall pine trees . The entire frontage of our almost 1 acre property was piled up 10 - 12 feet with tree debris . I used to have a picture of it using my mailbox as a reference for height ! Several moms from the Mom 's Club I was a member of brought us meals during that time . It was so nice to get home cooked meals instead of eating out ! My parents brought down tons of gifts from family and friendsfor Kate . It was like Christmas for her . We did have to throw out a lot of her stuff because the toy room was one of the rooms that got damaged badly . A check from the insurance company arrived . $ 20 , 000 . Really ? Did they see my house ? So my parents eventually went back home . We were able to live in the house . Scott was working . I was trying to lead a normal life with Kate and find a contractor to fix our house . It just seemed to be one thing after another . We needed to buy a new fridge but it was hard to find appliances after the storm for obvious reasons . They were sold out EVERYWHERE . So we ordered it online from the same place in Chicago we ordered the first one . Because the mail , let alone shipping was a total mess in New Orleans the 2 week shipping turned into months and we didn 't get that new fridge until 2 weeks before Christmas ! The first fridge got lost and then was later found sitting on a dock somewhere . The second fridge got sent back to Chicago after arriving in New Orleans . It was a mess . To get by I was using the camper fridge for veggies and fruit and a 1950s beer fridge that was plugged in outside the back door of the house in the carport . What I didn 't tell Jen about one of my dogs was that she only had 6 months to live . She had lymphoma for the second time . We treated her at age 3 for it and spent $ 5000 . It bought us 5 more years with her . This time we passed on the treatment as $ 5000 + was not feasible anymore . She called me one day and said that Dakota seemed sick . I counted the months backward . It was about month 5ish . Crap . So I decided to drive there and get the dogs . Well , lo and behold , Hurricana Wilma was headed straight for her in Florida so I had to delay my trip ! I didn 't make it there in time . My best friend had to put my Dakota to sleep for me . I remember having to make that decision at an iHop . Jen called me two days before I was leaving to go to her house to say Dakota was in bad shape and what did I want her to do . I was having breakfast at iHop and was standing outside the restaurant on my cell phone crying telling her not to wait for me . Two days later I left for Florida . I decided since I was by myself and not in a hurry I would drive through Waveland , Bay St . Louise , Gulport areas . I got off at Waveland , MS and took the route I new to get to a beach house owned by Scott 's boss . As I drove south towards the water through the neighborhood there were boats in the roads , houses off their foundation in the road . There were dirt paths around everything . This was early November . The only people I really saw were the utility companies in their trucks working Then , out of nowhere it was like the whole environment got eery . It was devastating . There was nothing . All of sudden like that . Nothing . There was a definitive line where the surge clearly took everything away . It was ground just covered in mud . As I drove through the streets , you would see an occasional lawn chair or something that didn 't wash out to sea . Someone found a picture of a couple with their child and set it up against a tree . I came to the ocean . I could go right or left . I knew the house I was looking for was two houses to my right . I could see from the corner the lot . There were no houses either direction . I turned left and headed toward Bay St . Louis . I saw a U - Haul truck on the beach covered in sand almost to the roof . The only way I knew it was a U - Haul was because of the coloring and partial lettering sticking out . I saw a woman outside by two tents . There weren 't many people so I stopped to talk to her . I asked her a lot of questions and asked her if I could bring her anything on my way back from Florida . She said Second Harvest was setup in town and feeding everyone . Walmart was open again . She had everything she needed . I asked about a FEMA trailer . Now , this is where everyone needs to listen up and forget what Oprah and the news told you about no one getting FEMA trailers . . . What I didn 't realize and learned that day from her is that you could not get a FEMA trailer until you had approved electrical and sewage hookups for safety and obvious reasons for the sewage . She had What everyone needs to understand is that the infrastructure of the gulf coast was destroyed . I don 't know the specifics , but their sewage and water lines could have been destroyed as well . That takes time to fix people . When Oprah rolled in 6 months later reporting on the lack of progress I almost punched the TV . I was seeing it first hand how bad it was . There is no bouncing back FROM NOTHING overnight . They weren 't even cleaning up a lot of stuff or worrying about the houses in the middle of the roads . They just worked around all that . I saw them working on getting the necessities back in order - like electricity . I returned in February and saw a lot more progress and cleanup . My parents were with me and they just couldn 't believe it . The one thing my dad and mom commented on was the amount of FEMA trailer parks . Yes , that was the easiset way to get them setup with proper electrical and sewage instead of on individual lots . I also took them through Lakeview ( New Orleans neighborhood that rarely is covered because it 's not the ninth ward ) where there were FEMA trailers on almost every lot as their utility infrastructure was intact but their houses were completed flooded . I spent a week at Jen 's to relax a bit and I needed that . I also found out I was pregnant with Jack while there . It was a funny story . I was complaing how about a week or so ago I felt like I had the flu and how it only lasted one day . She reminded me that happened when I got pregnant with Kate . She asked me how long it was since I had a period . Lord , I had no idea . I was so distraught I wasn 't keeping track . She stopped off at a Walgreens to get me a pregnancy test . It only took 1 second and that thing was screaming PREGNANT ! lol ! She got to enjoy me calling Scott and my parents to tell them . What a crazy ride . I took my 1 dog home and continued to look for contractors and wrangle with the insurance company for more money - which was a documenting nightmare and full time job . We had to have a second adjuster come out . The insurance did not want to replace our entire roof , just the front ! Are you serious ? Contractors were telling us the whole roof needed to be replaced because every single tile was unglued from the winds and many were broken . So the morning of the adjustor coming , Scott gets a ladder out to have a look at the roof himself . I am inside with my back to the patio doors folding laundry when I hear a loud crash and him screaming . I turn around and there he is laying on the driveway under the ladder . The neighbor behind us was drinking coffee in his breakfast nook and came running . He heard him and could see him laying there . ( First time we met the neighbor because there were no privacy fences anymore . ) The ambulance came and he ended up with a very sprained ankle and broken arm . The good news is the second adjuster agreed we needed an entire new roof . Thank god . One day at the end of November I walked out of my front door and smelled gas really bad . A few months earlier a runner told us he smelled gas everytime he ran by in the morning . We had the fire department come out and check . Nothing . Well , I finally smelled it . We believe because it was now winter and the winds had changed pushing the gas toward my house and it was getting caught up in the alcove by the front door . I called the gas company . They found it right by the connection to my house . The guy unhooked my gas meter out front , put it in his truck and said " Call a plumber . " I had no gas to my house that fast ! As my luck would have it the first two weeks of December were frigid cold for Louisana . I was wearing my old wool sweaters and ski parkas from my up north days IN THE HOUSE ! We had to go by 4 space heaters and all sleep in one room at night . I called the plumber . He told me the gas line to my house was most likely cracked when the trees fell during Katrina . He said it is only 6 inches underground . He proceeded to tell me it would be about $ 2400 and whatever it cost to break up my driveway as it ran under my drive . I said , " You are going to have to break up my driveway ? " He said , " Yes ma ' am . " With that I did an about face and walked into my house and slammed the door in his face . I didn 't care about the money . I didn 't want one more thing broken . After I regained my composure . I called the plumbing company and told the lady who answered to apologize to him for me . She said , " Honey , please don 't worry . We will help you . " The owner called me back and said he found someone who could tunnel under my driveway but it would cost more money . I told him I didn 't care and to get it done ASAP . Unfortunately , I had to go two weeks without gas , heat or hot showers . Christmas arrived about two weeks after my new fridge and my gas was fixed . It was the first time we didn 't spend it with my family . It was quiet but nice . Kate got so many gifts it took us all day to open them . Scott cooked and we sat around finally in peace because we had secured more money from the insurance company and a contractor who was going to start the 3rd week in January . Rebuilding the entire front of our house . To wrap it up . The last and final thing to be fixed was our ornamental pond under the palm tree you see in the pic above . It was detroyed by the trees falling on it . It was the end of June before that got done . Scott came home from work on July 13 and told me he lost his job . On July 14th I gave birth to Jack . Related : 31 - 17 . . . and then we danced . I spent a week at my parent 's house pretending I was okay . Pretending my life , my marriage and my heart were just peachy . I was far from okay , let alone peachy . I had a war going on inside of me . My emotions were out of control yet somehow I managed to fake it . One never knows how well they can hide the truth until they are put to the test I guess . I had no game plan upon arrival of how I would act or hide the truth . I just winged it . I couldn 't talk about it . I knew one thing for sure . There was no way I was spilling the beans to my parents that week . In fact , it was July and I didn 't tell them a thing until October . I just couldn 't . Couple of reasons 1 . I had to figure it out for myself . I had to know the what , when , where and how before I divulged anything to my parents . I told other people . My friends , people I worked with , my neighbors . I just couldn 't break it to them yet . 2 . I had to be okay with what was happening in my life and in the acceptance stage . Telling an unrelated third party is one thing . Telling your parents who will most definitely be on your side and ready to fight for you is another . I had to be ready for that . 3 . I didn 't want their influence in my decision making . I needed to know that it was my decision and my decision alone Sure , my friends and co - workers had their opinions but they wouldn 't influence me as much as my parent 's would . 4 . They worry . Especially my mom . And she did . I had to be in a strong position to get her past the worry . I had to have a plan in place to be able to put her mind at ease and have answers . 5 . And probably the hardest reason . . . admitting I failed . ( I can 't even write this without crying . ) I had to tell my parents that my marriage failed . Coming to grips with such a failure in your life is very difficult . While we were there I Facebook messaged and called his mistress , Kari . I let her know that I knew . I left a voicemail on her home phone and work phone . Being she held a very high position at her company it wasn 't hard to get her work number . I dialed the main number and simply asked for her . She complained to Scott and then I got reprimanded for leaving a message on her home phone because her kids or maid might have heard it . Whaaaa . Well , then you shouldn 't be sleeping with a married man if you don 't want such things to happen . Cry me an f - ing river was basically what I told him . Then , he proceeded to tell me that she has an army of high - powered lawyers who will take me down if I continue to harass her . To which I simply laughed out loud at him . " Really ? " I said . " I have seen much worse from wive 's of cheaters . Calling her to let her know I am now in the loop is a far cry from running her over with my car ! " Then , he told me she is prepared to get a restraining order against me . Again , I just laughed and said , " Do they give restraining orders to someone who lives 4 states away from the potential victim ? " I managed to get through a visit with my college friend and her family , several events with my brother and parents and even a birthday party for my son where a bunch of family members came over and some other friends of the family and my brother . It was tough . I had to listen to my family talk about my cousin 's recent divorce and try not to comment on what they were saying . Not because what they were saying was bad or anything . Simply because you have no idea until you live it . That is what I wanted to blurt out constantly ! We didn 't sleep in the same bed at my parents or ever again . We played it off as each of us sleeping with one of the kids . All I remember is that once my kid of the night fell asleep , I cried . Posted by I don 't know where my husband went for 5 days . I know he didn 't take my calls until two days after leaving . He claimed he was staying in a hotel in the city paid for by his friend Richard ( We were pretty broke at the time ) . He also claims Richard set him up with a lady who is a counselor to speak with him about what was going on . Knowing what I know now , I don 't think that any of the above is true . The only definitive thing he told me was that he would be home on Wednesday after work . So my guess is he flew to Ft . Lauderdale to be with Kari , his mistress . She was the one " counseling " him and the reason he wouldn 't come home earlier than Wednesday to talk about the divorce even when I asked him to . So I went to work , kept to myself and carried on with my life . I remember cutting the grass after work and smiling to myself that I was now going to be on my own living my life and back in charge of it . It was a tremendous feeling . To some that may seem raw and cruel but to me it was my first good and confident feeling I had had in a long time . On Wednesday night he arrived home . We didn 't speak much . On Thursday night we had to pack as we were leaving after work Friday to go to my parent 's in Ohio to spend the week and fly back with the kids . It was Thursday night when I told him I didn 't want him to go to my parent 's with me . Of course he begged and pleaded . He said the kids were expecting him , etc , etc . Same old lectures of convincing I was used to . At some point in that conversation we got in a huge fight and I made him admit he was having an affair with Kari . Oh he not only admitted it , he gave me tons of details . . . 6 . Two years prior when he was unemployed and taking care of the kids he told me Richard was letting him use some extra miles he had to fly to Ft . Lauderdale for the weekend to relax a bit ( because he said he was depressed ) and hang out with his high school buddies . He admitted that it was really Kari who used her miles ( she works in travel ) and flew him there . That was the first time they slept together but as he puts it , " I didn 't go there to sleep with her " . Oh really ! If a guy flew me to his place for the weekend after we had been texting / talking for a year I don 't think it would be to sleep with him at all ! NO ! Never ! Besides the adultery started a year prior when he started having daily conversations with her . 7 . She tried to get him a job with the luxury cruise line she worked for . He told me all about the job prior . He was so excited and told me a high school buddy hooked him up and his chances were good . He didn 't stop talking about it prior to going for the interview . He even said ( get this ! ) that if he got the job he would move there by himself for like a year to see if it was a good fit and the kids and i could stay here . He would just fly home on the weekends . How incredibly convenient that would have been for him don 't ya think ? 8 . He even told me about the first time that they slept together . I asked if that was the $ 200 charge on our credit card that I had questioned him about during the # 6 trip above . He previously had told me that he and his buddies were drinking at the hotel bar and he charged the bill and they all gave him cash . Truth is he admitted was that he got a room for him and her to shack up . I never saw the cash and he was unemployed so $ 200 was a huge hit to our then $ 39 , 000 a year family income . 9 . When I asked about all his other " business trips " to Florida that he was going on with Richard because they were trying to supposedly start a new business , I found out it was all her flying him to visit . Prior to this night he had recently spent a week in Orlando for a " convention " and I found it odd that I didn 't hear from him once during the entire week . He was with her I now know . I remember sitting on my bedroom floor crying for the better part of the night . I don 't know if I slept or how I even finished packing for my parent 's house . I rode to work with him since we were going to the airport after work . We didn 't talk at all . I got to my desk at work and broke down in horrible , loud sobs . I am sure people around me were in shock and didn 't know what was going on . No one said anything though . Finally , someone on my team arrived and he stopped by to say Happy Birthday and give me a candy bouquet . ( It was in 3 days but I would be out of town ) Instead he found me a mess . A hot , blubbery , crying mess . He sat with me and just listened . We weren 't even close friends really but I think he felt obligated . I made it through the day somehow and got picked up for the airport . We didn 't speak to each other . I stood as far away from him as I could . I wanted no association with him what so ever . I was seething with anger and hatred . I watched from afar as the asshole ( dressed in a suit because he thinks traveling dressed up gets you better perks ) tried to convince the gate person to let him board early . The guy kept saying no and he just kept trying to work his magic on him . I just looked on with disgust . I kept thinking , " Why did I marry such a jerk ? " We boarded the flight , sat apart and then I put on my facade upon arrival in Detroit .

At a young and tender age , Patti Wilson was told by her doctor that she was an epileptic . Her father , Jim Wilson , is a morning jogger . One day she smiled through her teenage braces and said , " Daddy what I 'd really love to do is run with you every day , but I 'm afraid I 'll have a seizure . " Her father told her , " If you do , I know how to handle it so let 's start running ! " That 's just what they did every day . It was a wonderful experience for them to share and there were no seizures at all while she was running . After a few weeks , she told her father , " Daddy , what I 'd really love to do is break the world 's long - distance running record for women . " Her father checked the Guinness Book of World Records and found that the farthest any woman had run was 80 miles . As afreshman in high school , Patti announced , " I 'm going to run from Orange County up to San Francisco . " ( A distance of 400 miles . ) " As a sophomore , " she went on , " I 'm going to run to Portland , Oregon . " ( Over 1 , 500 miles . ) " As a junior I 'll run to St . Louis . ( About 2 , 000 miles . ) " As a senior I 'll run to the White House . " ( More than 3 , 000 miles away . ) In view of her handicap , Patti was as ambitious as she was enthusiastic , but she said she looked at the handicap of being an epileptic as simply " an inconvenience . " She focused not on what she had lost , but on what she had left . That year she completed her run to San Francisco wearing a T - shirt that read , " I love Epileptics . " Her dad ran every mile ather side , and her mom , a nurse , followed in a motor home behind them in case anything went wrong . In her sophomore year Patti 's classmates got behind her . They built a giant poster that read , " Run , Patti , Run ! " ( This has since become her motto and the title of a book she has written . ) On her second marathon , en route to Portland , she fractured a bone in her foot . A doctor told her she had to stop her run . Hesaid , " I 've got to put a cast on your ankle so that you don 't sustain permanent damage . " " Doc , yPosted by The famous author of The Power of Positive Thinking once told this story . A man once telephoned Norman Vincent Peale . He was despondent and told the reverend that he had nothing left to live for . Peale invited the man over to his office . " Everything is gone , hopeless , " the man told him . " I 'm living in deepest darkness . In fact , I 've lost heart for living altogether . " Norman Vincent Peale smiled sympathetically . " Let 's take a look at your situation , " he said calmly . On a sheet of paper he drew a vertical line down the middle . He suggested that they list on the left side the things the man had lost , and on the right , the things he had left . " You won 't need that column on the right side , " said the man sadly . " I have nothing left , period . " Peale asked , " When did your wife leave you ? " " What do you mean ? She hasn 't left me . My wife loves me ! " " That 's great ! " said Peale enthusiastically . " Then that will be number one in the right - hand column - Wife hasn 't left . Now , when were your children jailed ? " " That 's silly . My children aren 't in jail ! " " Good ! That 's number two in the right - hand column - Children not in jail , " said Peale , jotting it down . After a few more questions in the same vein , the man finally got the point and smiled in spite of himself . " Funny , how things change when you think of them that way , " he said . Change your thoughts and you change your world . Norman Vincent PealeIf you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations , you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal . Norman Vincent Peale Huang NaiHui was born in 1964 in Taipei , Taiwan as the eldest child to a well to do family . When he was a child , he suffered from very high fever . His grandmother being very superstitious , attempted to " cure " him by using the traditional methods of feeding him with incense ash ( an ancient Chinese belief ) . This led him to suffer from cerebral spasm which he became partially paralyzed . His parents afraid that he may bring bad luck to them decided to abandon him . His grandmother decided to take up the responsibility to bring him up . It was at the age of 13 that he went to school to study . At first he was very slow at learning . Gradually he was able to pick up . At the age of 22 , he would study and work part time . He would sell lottery tickets and flowers during the day and attend classes at night . During his spare time he would attend Psychology and Chinese language classes at the University of Taiwan as an observer ! The joy of learning overcomes his self pity . He uses his knowledge very well in his business of selling flowers . He would go door to door selling flowers during the day . He would sell flowers at pubs and night clubs at night . At times , in order sell , he has to sing for his patrons even though he did it out of tune . He was often teased by people . A fact he learned to accept as a handicap . However he would pick himself up and face the next customer with a smile . What hurt him most was whenever he sees a happy family together . Something he never enjoyed … the warmth of a family . When Huang NaiHui was 24 , his grandmother passed away . It was the darkest day of his life . She was the only person in his life even his younger siblings spurned him . But on that day he was overwhelmed with joy with the opportunity to see his again who have come to pay their last respect for his grandmother . He was hoping to be re - united with his family . To his surprise , that was not meant to be . His father asked him to leave the ancestral home which was left behind by his grandmother . He was literally kicked out , left to cry and to selPosted by When I look at a patch of dandelions , I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard . My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on . When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me , I see a smelly , dirty person who probably wants money and I look away . My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back . When I hear music I love , I know I can 't carry a tune and don 't have much rhythm so I sit self - consciously and listen . My kids feel the beat and move to it . They sing out the words . If they don 't know them , they make up their own . When I feel wind on my face , I brace myself against it . I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk . My kids close their eyes , spread their arms and fly with it , until they fall to the ground laughing . When I pray I say thee and thou and grant me this , give me that . My kids say , " Hi God ! ! ! Please keep the bad dreams away tonight . I would miss my Mommy and Daddy . " When I see a mud puddle I step around it . I see muddy shoes and clothes , and dirty carpets . My kids sit in it . They see dams to build , rivers to cross and worms to play with . I wonder if we are given kids to teach , or to learn from ? - Author Unknown - Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel . All claimed that they were the best . The most important . The most useful . The favorite . Green said : " Clearly I am the most important . I am the sign of life and of hope . I was chosen for grass , trees and leaves . Without me , all animals would die . Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority . " Blue interrupted : " You only think about the earth , but consider the sky and the sea . It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea . The sky gives space and peace and serenity . Without my peace , you would all be nothing . " Yellow chuckled : " You are all so serious . I bring laughter , gaiety , and warmth into the world . The sun is yellow , the moon is yellow , the stars are yellow . Every time you look at a sunflower , the whole world starts to smile . Without me there would be no fun . " Orange started next to blow her trumpet : " I am the color of health and strength . I may be scarce , but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life . I carry the most important vitamins . Think of carrots , pumpkins , oranges , mangoes , and papayas . I don 't hang around all the time , but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset , my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you . " Red could stand it no longer he shouted out : " I am the ruler of all of you . I am blood - life 's blood ! I am the color of danger and of bravery . I am willing to fight for a cause . I bring fire into the blood . Without me , the earth would be as empty as the moon . I am the color of passion and of love , the red rose , the poinsettia and the poppy . " Purple rose up to his full height : He was very tall and spoke with great pomp : " I am the color of royalty and power . Kings , chiefs , and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom . People do not question me ! They listen and obey . " Finally Indigo spoke , much more quietly than all the others , but with just as much determination : " Think of me . I am the color of silence . You hardly notice Posted by A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light , and God appeared . The Lord told the man He had work for him to do and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin . The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might . So , this the man did , day after day . For many years , he toiled from sun up to sun down with his shoulders set squarely against the cold , massive surface of the unmoving rock , pushing with all of his might . Each night , the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out , feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain . Since the man was showing discouragement , Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind : " You have been pushing against that rock for a long time , and it hasn 't moved . " giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure . These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man . " Why kill myself over this ? " he thought . " I 'll just put in my time , giving just the minimum effort , and that will be good enough . " And that is what he planned to do . However , one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord . " Lord , " he said , " I have labored long and hard in your service , putting all my strength to do that which you have asked . Yet , after all this time , have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter . What is wrong ? Why am I failing ? " The Lord responded compassionately , " My friend , when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted , I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength , which you have done . Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it . Your task was to push . And now , you come to Me with your strength spent , thinking that you have failed . But , is that really so ? Look at yourself . Your arms are strong and muscled , your back sinewy and brown , your hands are callused from constant pressure , and your legs have become massive and hard . Through opposition , you have grown much , and your aPosted by A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing . She was still groggy from surgery . Her husband , David , held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news . That afternoon of March 10 , 1991 , complications had forced Diana , only 24 - weeks pregnant , to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver couple 's new daughter , Dana Lu Blessing . At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces , they already knew she was perilously premature . Still , the doctor 's soft words dropped like bombs . " I don 't think she 's going to make it , " he said , as kindly as he could . " There 's only a 10 - percent chance she will live through the night , and even then , if by some slim chance she does make it , her future could be a very cruel one " Numb with disbelief , David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived . She would never walk , she would never talk , she would probably be blind , and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation , and on and on . " No ! No ! " was all Diana could say . She and David , with their 5 - year - old son Dustin , had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four . Now , within a matter of hours , that dream was slipping away . But as those first days passed , a new agony set in for David and Diana . Because Dana 's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially ' raw ' , the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort , so they couldn 't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love . All they could do , as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires , was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl . There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger . But as the weeks went by , she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there . At last , when Dana turned Posted by A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa . He took his faithful pet dog along for company . One day , the dog starts chasing butterflies , and before long , he discovers that he is lost . Wandering about , he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch . The dog thinks , " Boy , I 'm in deep doo doo now . " Then , he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat . Just as the leopard is about to leap , the dog exclaims loudly , " Man , that was one delicious leopard . I wonder if there are any more around here ? " Hearing this , the leopard halts his attack in mid stride , as a look of terror comes over him , and slinks away into the trees . " Whew , " says the leopard , " That was close . That dog nearly had me . " Meanwhile , a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard . So , off he goes . But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up . The monkey soon catches up with the leopard , spills the beans , and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard . The leopard is furious at being made a fool and says , " Here monkey , hop on my back and see what 's going to happen to that conniving canine . " Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks , " What am I going to do now ? " But instead of running , the dog sits down with his back to his attackers , pretending he hasn 't seen them yet . Just when they get close enough to hear , the dog says , " Where 's that monkey ? I just can never trust him . I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard , and he 's still not back ! " - Author Unknown - It had been a very long night . Our black Cocker Spaniel , Precious , was having a difficult delivery . I lied on the floor beside her large four - foot square cage watching her every movement - watching and waiting , just in case I had to rush her to the veterinarian . After six hours , the puppies started to appear . The firstborn was black and white . The second and third puppies were tan and brown in color . The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white . " One , two , three , four , five , " I counted to myself . I walked down the hallway to wake my wife , Judy , and tell her that everything was fine . As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare bedroom , I noticed a sixth puppy had been born but was lying all by itself over to the side of the cage . I picked it up and laid it on top of the large pile of puppies , which were whining and trying to nurse on the mother . Precious immediately pushed the small puppy away from rest of the group . She refused to recognize it as a member of her family . " Something 's wrong , " said Judy . I reached over and picked up the puppy . My heart sank inside my chest when I saw it had a cleft lip and palate and could not close its little mouth . I decided right then and there that if there was any way to save this animal , I was going to give it my best shot . I took the puppy to the vet and was told nothing could be done , unless we were willing to spend about $ 1 , 000 to try to correct the defect . He told us that the puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle . After returning home , Judy and I decided that we could not afford to spend that kind of money . We at least needed to get some type of assurance from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live . However , that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and feeding the puppy by hand . I did that every day and night , every two hours for more than 10 days . The little puppy survived and learned to eat on his own , as long as it was soft , canned food . The fifth week , I placed an ad in the newspaper , and within a week , we had people interested inPosted by At an airport , I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together . They had announced her plane 's departure and standing near the door , he said to his daughter , " I love you , I wish you enough . " She said , " Daddy , our life together has been more than enough . Your love is all I ever needed . I wish you enough , too , Daddy . " They kissed good - bye , and she left . He walked over toward the window where I was seated . Standing there , I could see he wanted and needed to cry . I tried not to intrude on his privacy , but he welcomed me in by asking , " Did you ever say good - bye to someone knowing it would be forever ? " " Yes , I have , " I replied . Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me . Recognizing that his days were limited , I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me . So I knew what this man was experiencing . " Forgive me for asking , but why is this a forever good - bye ? " I asked . " I am old , and she lives much too far away . I have challenges ahead , and the reality is her next trip back will be for my funeral , " he said . " When you were saying good - bye , I heard you say , ' I wish you enough . ' May I ask what that means ? " He began to smile . " That 's a wish that has been handed down from other generations . My parents used to say it to everyone . " He paused for a moment , and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail , he smiled even more . " When we said ' I wish you enough , ' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them , " he continued , and then turning toward me , he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory . " I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright . I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more . I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive . I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger . I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting . I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess . I wish you enough ' Hello 's ' to get youPosted by There was once a spider who lived in a cornfield . She was a big spider , and she had spun a beautiful web between the corn stalks . She got fat eating all the bugs that would get caught in her web . She liked this home and planned to stay there for the rest of her life . One day , the spider caught a little bug in her web , and just as the spider was about to eat him , the bug said , " If you let me go I will tell you something important that will save your life . " The spider paused for a moment and listened because she was amused . " You better get out of this cornfield , " the little bug said , " The harvest is coming ! " The spider smiled and said , " What is this harvest you are talking about ? I think you are just telling me a story . " But the little bug said , " Oh no , it is true . The owner of this field is coming to harvest it soon . All the stalks will be knocked down , and the corn will be gathered up . You will be killed by the giant machines if you stay here . " The spider said , " I don 't believe in harvests and giant machines that knock down corn stalks . How can you prove this ? " The little bug continued , " Just look at the corn . See how it is planted in rows ? It proves this field was created by an intelligent designer . " The spider laughed and mockingly said , " This field has evolved and has nothing to do with a creator . Corn always grows that way . " The bug went on to explain , " Oh no . This field belongs to the owner who planted it , and the harvest is coming soon . " The spider grinned and said to the little bug , " I don 't believe you , " and then the spider ate the little bug for lunch . A few days later , the spider was laughing about the story the little bug had told her . She thought to herself , " A harvest ! What a silly idea . I have lived here all of my life , and nothing has ever disturbed me . I have been here since these stalks were just a foot off the ground , and I 'll be here for the rest of my life , because nothing is ever going to change in this field . Life is good , and I have it made . " The next day was a beautiful sunny day in the cornfPosted by Once there was a time , according to legend , when Ireland was ruled by a king who had no son . The king sent out his couriers to post notices in all the towns of his realm . The notices advised that every qualified young man should apply for an interview with the king as a possible successor to the throne . However , all such candidates must have these two qualifications : They must ( 1 ) love God and ( 2 ) love their fellow human beings . The Young man about whom this legend centers saw a notice and reflected that he loved God and , also , his neighbors . One thing stopped him , he was so poor that he had no clothes that would be presentable in the sight of the king . Nor did he have the funds to buy provisions for the long journey to the castle . So the young man begged here , and borrowed there , finally managing to scrounge enough money for the appropriate clothes and the necessary supplies . Properly attired and well - suited , the young man set out on his quest , and had almost completed the journey when he came upon a poor beggar by the side of the road . The beggar sat trembling , clad only in tattered rags . His extended arms pleaded for help . His weak voice croaked , " I 'm hungry and cold . Please help me . . . please ? " The young man was so moved by this beggar 's need that he immediately stripped off his new clothes and put on the tattered threads of the beggar . Without a second thought he gave the beggar all his provision as well . Then , somewhat hesitantly , he continued his journey to the castle dressed in the rags of the beggar , lacking provisions for his return trek home . Upon his arrival at the castle , a king 's attendant showed him in to the great hall . After a brief respite to clean off the journey 's grime , he was finally admitted to the throne room of the king . The young man bowed low before his majesty . When he raised his eyes , he gaped in astonishment . " You . . . it 's you ! You 're the beggar by the side of the road . " " Yes , " the king replied with a twinkle , " I was that beggar . " " But . . . bu . . . bu . . . you are not really a beggar . You are the kiPosted by A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City , walking near Times Square in Manhattan . It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people . Cars were honking their horns , taxicabs were squealing around corners , sirens were wailing , and the sounds of the city were almost deafening . Suddenly , the Native American said , " I hear a cricket . " His friend said , " What ? You must be crazy . You couldn 't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise ! " " No , I 'm sure of it , " the Native American said , " I heard a cricket . " " That 's crazy , " said the friend . The Native American listened carefully for a moment , and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing . He looked into the bushes , beneath the branches , and sure enough , he located a small cricket . His friend was utterly amazed . " That 's incredible , " said his friend . " You must have superhuman ears ! " " No , " said the Native American . " My ears are no different from yours . It all depends on what you 're listening for . " " But that can 't be ! " said the friend . " I could never hear a cricket in this noise . " " Yes , it 's true , " came the reply . " It depends on what is really important to you . Here , let me show you . " He reached into his pocket , pulled out a few coins , and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk . And then , even with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears , they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs . " See what I mean ? " asked the Native American . " It all depends on what 's important to you . " What 's important to you ? What do you listen for ? If you are in tune with the Great Spirit , you will be able to hear when It speaks . - - - Author Unknown - - - There was once a young ballerina who had taken ballet lesson all through her childhood . She wanted to be a prima ballet dancer but she wanted to be sure that she had the talent . When a ballet company came to town , she went backstage after the performance and spoke to the ballet master . " I want to be a great ballet dancer but I don 't know if I had the talent " she said . " Dance for me " the master said . After a minute or two , he shook his head and said " No , no , no , you don 't have what it takes to be a great ballerina . " The young woman went home heartbroken . She tossed the ballet slippers into the closet and never wore them again . Instead she got married , had children . when the kids are old enough , she took a part time job manning a cash register at a corner shop . Years later , the same ballet company came into town . She attended it and on the way out , she ran into the same old ballet master who was then in his eighties . She reminded him that they had spoken before . She showed him photos of her children and told him about the corner shop job that she is doing now . And then she asked " There is just one thing that really bothered me . How could you tell me that I don have what it takes to be a great ballerina ? " " Oh , I barely look at you when you danced , that 's what I told all of them who came to me " he said . " But … but , that 's unforgivable ! You have ruined my life , I could have been a great ballet dancer ! " she cried . - Author Unknown - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So whose fault was it ? The old ballet master or the budding ballerina or both of them ? Please leave a comment . . I would love to hear your views . Thanks . This story , God Has Been Good to Me , is a heart warming story . I guess we never view life in such a way . We all complain when life seems unfair to us . We have never taken into account how much we are blessed . Well , God has been good to me . For 25 years , I watched him fight cancer of the face . First just a small speck that begin to grow larger . Year after year I watch him go to hospital to have a bit cut out each time . As the years went by , more and more of his face was cut away . When he returned with what is left of his face , he tried to smile . He never complained or was downhearted . He was a skilful mechanic and carpenter . In fact , he was one of the best . Whenever he did a job , he stand back to see if there is anything left out that could be added to make it perfect . Then he would see some little place that the average person would pass up . He would then touch up this or that . I suspect he said this to himself " My work will be my face and my life " I doubt if he often look in the mirror at that damaged face where the cancer eat into everyday . No matter how humble the pace he worked in , how small the job is or how crude the other workers seem , it never bother him at all . This was his work and it has to be done right . He never glance at the work of others ; a shoddy work done by others was not his concern . Nevertheless , I suspect when the job was done , he had a sense of inner pride and joy when he saw how outstanding it was . But he never boasted about it . As the years went by , he became weaker and weaker . His hands did not move with confidence and speed that so characterized him . He was unable to do many things . However no matter what the work or pay , he always had the insatiable desire to do a good job . The help he got was not able to catch his vision . They thought he was cranky to try so hard to complete each and every detail . So he worked alone . He did not complain or bitterly rail at the others . He would just appear the next morning by himself with no explanation of the absence of his helpers . During the latter dayPosted by A man came out of his home to admire his new truck . To his puzzlement , his three - year - old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint . The man ran to his son , knocked him away , hammered the little boy 's hands into pulp as punishment . When the father calmed down , he rushed his son to the hospital . Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones , he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy 's hands . When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs , he innocently said , " Daddy , I 'm sorry about your truck . " Then he asked , " but when are my fingers going to grow back ? " The father went home & committed suicide . Think about the story the next time u see someone spill milk at a dinner table or hear a baby crying . Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love . Trucks can be repaired . Broken bones & hurt feelings often can 't . Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance . People make mistakes . We are allowed to make mistakes . But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever . Pause and ponder . Think before you act . Be patient . Understand & love . Source : Unknown Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge . The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child . He shares some stories : Teacher Debbie Moon 's first graders were discussing a picture of a family . One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members . One child suggested that he was adopted . A little girl said , " I know all about adoptions because I was adopted . " " What does it mean to be adopted ? " asked another child . " It means , " said the girl , " that you grew in your mommy 's heart instead of her tummy . " A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up . As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope , he asked , " Do you think I 'll find Big Bird in here ? " The little girl stayed silent . Next , the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat . He asked , " Do you think I 'll find the Cookie Monster down there ? " Again , the little girl was silent . Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest . As he listened to her heart beat , he asked , " Do you think I 'll hear Barney in there ? " " Oh , no ! " the little girl replied . " God is in my heart . Barney 's on my underpants . " As I was driving home from work one day , I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home . As I sat down behind the bench on the first - base line , I asked one of the boys what the score was . " We 're behind 14 to nothing , " he answered with a smile . " Really , " I said . " I have to say you don 't look very discouraged . " " Discouraged ? " the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face . " Why should we be discouraged ? We haven 't been up to bat yet . " Whenever I 'm disappointed with my spot in life , I stop and think about little Jamie Scott . Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play . His mother told me that he 'd set his heart on being in it , though she feared he would not be chosen . On the day the parts were awarded , I went with her to collect him after school . Jamie rushed up to her , eyes shining with pride and excitement . " Guess M ws Years ago , in a small fishing village in Holland , a young boy taught the world about the rewards of unselfish service . Because the entire village revolved around the fishing industry , a volunteer rescue team was needed in cases of emergency . One night the winds raged , the clouds burst and a gale force storm capsized a fishing boat at sea . Stranded and in trouble , the crew sent out the S . O . S . The captain of the rescue rowboat team sounded the alarm and the villagers assembled in the town square overlooking the bay . While the team launched their rowboat and fought their way through the wild waves , the villagers waited restlessly on the beach , holding lanterns to light the way back . An hour later , the rescue boat reappeared through the fog and the cheering villagers ran to greet them . Falling exhausted on the sand , the volunteers reported that the rescue boat could not hold any more passengers and they had to leave one man behind . Even one more passenger would have surely capsized the rescue boat and all would have been lost . Frantically , the captain called for another volunteer team to go after the lone survivor . Sixteen - year - old Hans stepped forward . His mother grabbed his arm , pleading , " Please don 't go . Your father died in a shipwreck 10 years ago and your older brother , Paul , has been lost at sea for three weeks . Hans , you are all I have left . " Hans replied , " Mother , I have to go . What if everyone said , ' I can 't go , let someone else do it ? ' Mother , this time I have to do my duty . When the call for service comes , we all need to take our turn and do our part . " Hans kissed his mother , joined the team and disappeared into the night . Another hour passed , which seemed to Hans ' mother like an eternity . Finally , the rescue boat darted through the fog with Hans standing up in the bow . Cupping his hands , the captain called , " Did you find the lost man ? " Barely able to contain himself , Hans excitedly yelled back , " Yes , we found him . Tell my mother it 's my older brother , Paul ! " - AUTHOR UNKNOWN - In memory of my own dear mother who passed away on February 6th of the year 1972 . She is still deeply missed . In tears we saw you sinking , And watched you pass away . Our hearts were almost broken , We wanted you to stay . But when we saw you sleeping , So peaceful , free from pain , How could we wish you back with us , To suffer that again . It broke our hearts to lose you , But you did not go alone , For part of us went with you , The day God took you home . If Roses grow in Heaven , Lord please pick a bunch for me , Place them in my Mother 's arms and tell her they 're from me . Tell her I love her and miss her , and when she turns to smile , place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile . Because remembering her is easy , I do it every day , but there 's an ache within my heart that will never go away . Don 't think of her as gone away Her journey 's just begun Life holds so many facets This earth is only one Just think of her as resting From the sorrows and the tears In a place of warmth and comfort Where there are no days and years Think how she must be wishing That we could know , today Now nothing but our sadness Can really pass away And think of her as living In the hearts of those she touched For nothing loved is ever lost And she is loved so very much . Anonymous - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today over here and in my other blog at Masterwordsmith @ Writers . Inc . to honor mothers , grandmothers , soon - to - be - mothers and those who want / waiting to be mothers . . . 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No Other4 . The Invisible Mom5 . In Celebration of Mothersand also earlier posts in this blog . Here 's a post specially for all my blog readers and friends who are mothers . . . HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY ! ! ! Becuase You Loved Me ( Dedicated to My Mom ) - The funniest videos are a click away - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today over here and in my other blog at masterwordsmith - unplugged including : 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No Other4 . The Invisible Mom5 . In Celebration of Mothersand also earlier posts in this blog . A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away . As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing . He asked her what was wrong and she replied , " I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother . But I only have seventy - five cents , and a rose costs two dollars . " The man smiled and said , " Come on in with me . I 'll buy you a rose . " He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother 's flowers . As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home . She said , " Yes , please ! You can take me to my mother . " She directed him to a cemetery , where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave . The man returned to the flower shop , canceled the wire order , picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother 's house . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY ! ! ! In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today to honor mothers , grandmothers , soon - to - be - mothers and those who want / waiting to be mothers in this blog and also at my other blog masterwordsmith - unplugged . . . Don 't miss the earlier posts here and there including : 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No OtherHave a good day ! God bless you and yours always ! HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS & MOTHERS - TO - BE . . . . This post is specially for you in recognition of all that you have done , are doing and will do for your family . . God bless you ! It all began to make sense , the blank stares , the lack of response , the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I 'm on the phone and ask me a question . Inside I 'm thinking , ' Can 't you see I 'm on the phone ? ' Obviously , not . No one can see if I 'm on the phone , or cooking , or sweeping the floor , or even standing on my head in the corner , because no one can see me at all . I 'm invisible . The invisible Mom . Some days I am only a pair of hands , nothing more : Can you fix this ? Can you tie this ? Can you open this ? Some days I 'm not a pair of hands ; I 'm not even a human being . I 'm a clock to ask , ' What time is it ? ' I 'm a satellite guide to answer , ' What number is the Disney Channel ? ' I 'm a car to order , ' Right around 5 : 30 , please . ' One night , a group of us were having dinner , celebrating the return of a friend from England . . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip , and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in . I was sitting there , looking around at the others all put together so well . It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself . I was feeling pretty pathetic , when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package , and said , ' I brought you this . ' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn 't exactly sure why she 'd given it to me until I read her inscription : ' To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees . ' In the days ahead I would read - no , devour - the book . And I would discover what would become for me , four life - changing truths , afterwhich I could pattern my work : No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names . These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished . They made great sacrifices and expected no credit . The passion of their building Posted by In life , a lesson learned in your past that you will never forget completely . When I was in elementary school , I got into a major argument with a boy in my class . I have forgotten what the argument was about , but I have never forgotten the lesson learned that day . I was convinced that " I " was right and " he " was wrong - and he was just as convinced that " I " was wrong and " he " was right . The teacher decided to teach us a very important lesson . She brought us up to the front of the class and placed him on one side of her desk and me on the other . In the middle of her desk was a large , round object . I could clearly see that it was black . She asked the boy what color the object was . " White , " he answered . I couldn 't believe he said the object was white , when it was obviously black ! Another argument started between my classmate and me , this time about the color of the object . The teacher told me to go stand where the boy was standing and told him to come stand where I had been . We changed places , and now she asked me what the color of the object was . I had to answer , " White . " It was an object with two differently colored sides , and from his viewpoint it was white . Only from my side was it black . My teacher taught me a very important lesson learned that day : You must stand in the other person 's shoes and look at the situation through their eyes in order to truly understand their perspective . When Socrates reached his 50s , he went into marriage and took a wife , Xanthippe . She was known to be very hot tempered and nag . He was no ideal husband . He would leave home every morning without fail and return home sometimes quite late . At the end of every month , there was not any pay check . Story had it that once he was discussing ideas and thoughts in his house with his friends . They were discussing non stop the whole day until his wife , Xanthippe was so fed up and scolded them . She even chases them out of the house . Once outside the house , they continue discussing until the middle of the night . Xanthippe finally could not take it . She took a pail of water and poured it unto them . The philosopher , soaking wet said " You know my friend , after the thunder , there will always come the rain . " Many people rush into relationships and into marriage for many reasons . One of the reasons is loneliness . Loneliness can occur even if you have a partner . There are many people who have many friends but are still lonely inside . Do not go into marriage unless you are very sure . Even if you are married , the philosopher has one word for you . By all means , marry . If you get a good wife , you 'll become happy ; if you get a bad one , you 'll become a philosopher . Socrates The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five . Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand , she saw them : a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box . " Oh please , Mommy . Can I have them ? Please , Mommy , please ? " Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl 's upturned face . " A dollar ninety - five . That 's almost $ 2 . 00 . If you really want them , I 'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself . Your birthday 's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma . " As soon as Jenny got home , she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies . After dinner , she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs . McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents . On her birthday , Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace . Jenny loved her pearls . They made her feel dressed up and grown up . She wore them everywhere - Sunday school , kindergarten , even to bed . The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath . Mother said if they got wet , they might turn her neck green . Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed , he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story . One night when he finished the story , he asked Jenny , " Do you love me ? " " Oh yes , Daddy . You know that I love you . " " Then give me your pearls . " " Oh , Daddy , not my pearls . But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection . The one with the pink tail . Remember , Daddy ? The one you gave me . She 's my favorite . " " That 's okay , Honey . Daddy loves you . Good night . " And he brushed her cheek with a kiss . About a week later , after the story time , Jenny 's daddy asked again , " Do you love me ? " " Daddy , you know I love you . " " Then give me your pearls . " " Oh Daddy , not my pearls . But you can have my baby doll . The brand new one I Posted by