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At a young and tender age , Patti Wilson was told by her doctor that she was an epileptic . Her father , Jim Wilson , is a morning jogger . One day she smiled through her teenage braces and said , " Daddy what I 'd really love to do is run with you every day , but I 'm afraid I 'll have a seizure . " Her father told her , " If you do , I know how to handle it so let 's start running ! " That 's just what they did every day . It was a wonderful experience for them to share and there were no seizures at all while she was running . After a few weeks , she told her father , " Daddy , what I 'd really love to do is break the world 's long - distance running record for women . " Her father checked the Guinness Book of World Records and found that the farthest any woman had run was 80 miles . As afreshman in high school , Patti announced , " I 'm going to run from Orange County up to San Francisco . " ( A distance of 400 miles . ) " As a sophomore , " she went on , " I 'm going to run to Portland , Oregon . " ( Over 1 , 500 miles . ) " As a junior I 'll run to St . Louis . ( About 2 , 000 miles . ) " As a senior I 'll run to the White House . " ( More than 3 , 000 miles away . ) In view of her handicap , Patti was as ambitious as she was enthusiastic , but she said she looked at the handicap of being an epileptic as simply " an inconvenience . " She focused not on what she had lost , but on what she had left . That year she completed her run to San Francisco wearing a T - shirt that read , " I love Epileptics . " Her dad ran every mile ather side , and her mom , a nurse , followed in a motor home behind them in case anything went wrong . In her sophomore year Patti 's classmates got behind her . They built a giant poster that read , " Run , Patti , Run ! " ( This has since become her motto and the title of a book she has written . ) On her second marathon , en route to Portland , she fractured a bone in her foot . A doctor told her she had to stop her run . Hesaid , " I 've got to put a cast on your ankle so that you don 't sustain permanent damage . " " Doc , yPosted by The famous author of The Power of Positive Thinking once told this story . A man once telephoned Norman Vincent Peale . He was despondent and told the reverend that he had nothing left to live for . Peale invited the man over to his office . " Everything is gone , hopeless , " the man told him . " I 'm living in deepest darkness . In fact , I 've lost heart for living altogether . " Norman Vincent Peale smiled sympathetically . " Let 's take a look at your situation , " he said calmly . On a sheet of paper he drew a vertical line down the middle . He suggested that they list on the left side the things the man had lost , and on the right , the things he had left . " You won 't need that column on the right side , " said the man sadly . " I have nothing left , period . " Peale asked , " When did your wife leave you ? " " What do you mean ? She hasn 't left me . My wife loves me ! " " That 's great ! " said Peale enthusiastically . " Then that will be number one in the right - hand column - Wife hasn 't left . Now , when were your children jailed ? " " That 's silly . My children aren 't in jail ! " " Good ! That 's number two in the right - hand column - Children not in jail , " said Peale , jotting it down . After a few more questions in the same vein , the man finally got the point and smiled in spite of himself . " Funny , how things change when you think of them that way , " he said . Change your thoughts and you change your world . Norman Vincent PealeIf you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations , you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal . Norman Vincent Peale Huang NaiHui was born in 1964 in Taipei , Taiwan as the eldest child to a well to do family . When he was a child , he suffered from very high fever . His grandmother being very superstitious , attempted to " cure " him by using the traditional methods of feeding him with incense ash ( an ancient Chinese belief ) . This led him to suffer from cerebral spasm which he became partially paralyzed . His parents afraid that he may bring bad luck to them decided to abandon him . His grandmother decided to take up the responsibility to bring him up . It was at the age of 13 that he went to school to study . At first he was very slow at learning . Gradually he was able to pick up . At the age of 22 , he would study and work part time . He would sell lottery tickets and flowers during the day and attend classes at night . During his spare time he would attend Psychology and Chinese language classes at the University of Taiwan as an observer ! The joy of learning overcomes his self pity . He uses his knowledge very well in his business of selling flowers . He would go door to door selling flowers during the day . He would sell flowers at pubs and night clubs at night . At times , in order sell , he has to sing for his patrons even though he did it out of tune . He was often teased by people . A fact he learned to accept as a handicap . However he would pick himself up and face the next customer with a smile . What hurt him most was whenever he sees a happy family together . Something he never enjoyed … the warmth of a family . When Huang NaiHui was 24 , his grandmother passed away . It was the darkest day of his life . She was the only person in his life even his younger siblings spurned him . But on that day he was overwhelmed with joy with the opportunity to see his again who have come to pay their last respect for his grandmother . He was hoping to be re - united with his family . To his surprise , that was not meant to be . His father asked him to leave the ancestral home which was left behind by his grandmother . He was literally kicked out , left to cry and to selPosted by When I look at a patch of dandelions , I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard . My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on . When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me , I see a smelly , dirty person who probably wants money and I look away . My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back . When I hear music I love , I know I can 't carry a tune and don 't have much rhythm so I sit self - consciously and listen . My kids feel the beat and move to it . They sing out the words . If they don 't know them , they make up their own . When I feel wind on my face , I brace myself against it . I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk . My kids close their eyes , spread their arms and fly with it , until they fall to the ground laughing . When I pray I say thee and thou and grant me this , give me that . My kids say , " Hi God ! ! ! Please keep the bad dreams away tonight . I would miss my Mommy and Daddy . " When I see a mud puddle I step around it . I see muddy shoes and clothes , and dirty carpets . My kids sit in it . They see dams to build , rivers to cross and worms to play with . I wonder if we are given kids to teach , or to learn from ? - Author Unknown - Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel . All claimed that they were the best . The most important . The most useful . The favorite . Green said : " Clearly I am the most important . I am the sign of life and of hope . I was chosen for grass , trees and leaves . Without me , all animals would die . Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority . " Blue interrupted : " You only think about the earth , but consider the sky and the sea . It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea . The sky gives space and peace and serenity . Without my peace , you would all be nothing . " Yellow chuckled : " You are all so serious . I bring laughter , gaiety , and warmth into the world . The sun is yellow , the moon is yellow , the stars are yellow . Every time you look at a sunflower , the whole world starts to smile . Without me there would be no fun . " Orange started next to blow her trumpet : " I am the color of health and strength . I may be scarce , but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life . I carry the most important vitamins . Think of carrots , pumpkins , oranges , mangoes , and papayas . I don 't hang around all the time , but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset , my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you . " Red could stand it no longer he shouted out : " I am the ruler of all of you . I am blood - life 's blood ! I am the color of danger and of bravery . I am willing to fight for a cause . I bring fire into the blood . Without me , the earth would be as empty as the moon . I am the color of passion and of love , the red rose , the poinsettia and the poppy . " Purple rose up to his full height : He was very tall and spoke with great pomp : " I am the color of royalty and power . Kings , chiefs , and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom . People do not question me ! They listen and obey . " Finally Indigo spoke , much more quietly than all the others , but with just as much determination : " Think of me . I am the color of silence . You hardly notice Posted by A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light , and God appeared . The Lord told the man He had work for him to do and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin . The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might . So , this the man did , day after day . For many years , he toiled from sun up to sun down with his shoulders set squarely against the cold , massive surface of the unmoving rock , pushing with all of his might . Each night , the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out , feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain . Since the man was showing discouragement , Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind : " You have been pushing against that rock for a long time , and it hasn 't moved . " giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure . These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man . " Why kill myself over this ? " he thought . " I 'll just put in my time , giving just the minimum effort , and that will be good enough . " And that is what he planned to do . However , one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord . " Lord , " he said , " I have labored long and hard in your service , putting all my strength to do that which you have asked . Yet , after all this time , have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter . What is wrong ? Why am I failing ? " The Lord responded compassionately , " My friend , when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted , I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength , which you have done . Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it . Your task was to push . And now , you come to Me with your strength spent , thinking that you have failed . But , is that really so ? Look at yourself . Your arms are strong and muscled , your back sinewy and brown , your hands are callused from constant pressure , and your legs have become massive and hard . Through opposition , you have grown much , and your aPosted by A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing . She was still groggy from surgery . Her husband , David , held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news . That afternoon of March 10 , 1991 , complications had forced Diana , only 24 - weeks pregnant , to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver couple 's new daughter , Dana Lu Blessing . At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces , they already knew she was perilously premature . Still , the doctor 's soft words dropped like bombs . " I don 't think she 's going to make it , " he said , as kindly as he could . " There 's only a 10 - percent chance she will live through the night , and even then , if by some slim chance she does make it , her future could be a very cruel one " Numb with disbelief , David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived . She would never walk , she would never talk , she would probably be blind , and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation , and on and on . " No ! No ! " was all Diana could say . She and David , with their 5 - year - old son Dustin , had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four . Now , within a matter of hours , that dream was slipping away . But as those first days passed , a new agony set in for David and Diana . Because Dana 's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially ' raw ' , the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort , so they couldn 't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love . All they could do , as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires , was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl . There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger . But as the weeks went by , she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there . At last , when Dana turned Posted by A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa . He took his faithful pet dog along for company . One day , the dog starts chasing butterflies , and before long , he discovers that he is lost . Wandering about , he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch . The dog thinks , " Boy , I 'm in deep doo doo now . " Then , he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat . Just as the leopard is about to leap , the dog exclaims loudly , " Man , that was one delicious leopard . I wonder if there are any more around here ? " Hearing this , the leopard halts his attack in mid stride , as a look of terror comes over him , and slinks away into the trees . " Whew , " says the leopard , " That was close . That dog nearly had me . " Meanwhile , a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard . So , off he goes . But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up . The monkey soon catches up with the leopard , spills the beans , and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard . The leopard is furious at being made a fool and says , " Here monkey , hop on my back and see what 's going to happen to that conniving canine . " Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks , " What am I going to do now ? " But instead of running , the dog sits down with his back to his attackers , pretending he hasn 't seen them yet . Just when they get close enough to hear , the dog says , " Where 's that monkey ? I just can never trust him . I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard , and he 's still not back ! " - Author Unknown - It had been a very long night . Our black Cocker Spaniel , Precious , was having a difficult delivery . I lied on the floor beside her large four - foot square cage watching her every movement - watching and waiting , just in case I had to rush her to the veterinarian . After six hours , the puppies started to appear . The firstborn was black and white . The second and third puppies were tan and brown in color . The fourth and fifth were also spotted black and white . " One , two , three , four , five , " I counted to myself . I walked down the hallway to wake my wife , Judy , and tell her that everything was fine . As we walked back down the hallway and into the spare bedroom , I noticed a sixth puppy had been born but was lying all by itself over to the side of the cage . I picked it up and laid it on top of the large pile of puppies , which were whining and trying to nurse on the mother . Precious immediately pushed the small puppy away from rest of the group . She refused to recognize it as a member of her family . " Something 's wrong , " said Judy . I reached over and picked up the puppy . My heart sank inside my chest when I saw it had a cleft lip and palate and could not close its little mouth . I decided right then and there that if there was any way to save this animal , I was going to give it my best shot . I took the puppy to the vet and was told nothing could be done , unless we were willing to spend about $ 1 , 000 to try to correct the defect . He told us that the puppy would die mainly because it could not suckle . After returning home , Judy and I decided that we could not afford to spend that kind of money . We at least needed to get some type of assurance from the vet that the puppy had a chance to live . However , that did not stop me from purchasing a syringe and feeding the puppy by hand . I did that every day and night , every two hours for more than 10 days . The little puppy survived and learned to eat on his own , as long as it was soft , canned food . The fifth week , I placed an ad in the newspaper , and within a week , we had people interested inPosted by At an airport , I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together . They had announced her plane 's departure and standing near the door , he said to his daughter , " I love you , I wish you enough . " She said , " Daddy , our life together has been more than enough . Your love is all I ever needed . I wish you enough , too , Daddy . " They kissed good - bye , and she left . He walked over toward the window where I was seated . Standing there , I could see he wanted and needed to cry . I tried not to intrude on his privacy , but he welcomed me in by asking , " Did you ever say good - bye to someone knowing it would be forever ? " " Yes , I have , " I replied . Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me . Recognizing that his days were limited , I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me . So I knew what this man was experiencing . " Forgive me for asking , but why is this a forever good - bye ? " I asked . " I am old , and she lives much too far away . I have challenges ahead , and the reality is her next trip back will be for my funeral , " he said . " When you were saying good - bye , I heard you say , ' I wish you enough . ' May I ask what that means ? " He began to smile . " That 's a wish that has been handed down from other generations . My parents used to say it to everyone . " He paused for a moment , and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail , he smiled even more . " When we said ' I wish you enough , ' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them , " he continued , and then turning toward me , he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory . " I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright . I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more . I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive . I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger . I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting . I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess . I wish you enough ' Hello 's ' to get youPosted by There was once a spider who lived in a cornfield . She was a big spider , and she had spun a beautiful web between the corn stalks . She got fat eating all the bugs that would get caught in her web . She liked this home and planned to stay there for the rest of her life . One day , the spider caught a little bug in her web , and just as the spider was about to eat him , the bug said , " If you let me go I will tell you something important that will save your life . " The spider paused for a moment and listened because she was amused . " You better get out of this cornfield , " the little bug said , " The harvest is coming ! " The spider smiled and said , " What is this harvest you are talking about ? I think you are just telling me a story . " But the little bug said , " Oh no , it is true . The owner of this field is coming to harvest it soon . All the stalks will be knocked down , and the corn will be gathered up . You will be killed by the giant machines if you stay here . " The spider said , " I don 't believe in harvests and giant machines that knock down corn stalks . How can you prove this ? " The little bug continued , " Just look at the corn . See how it is planted in rows ? It proves this field was created by an intelligent designer . " The spider laughed and mockingly said , " This field has evolved and has nothing to do with a creator . Corn always grows that way . " The bug went on to explain , " Oh no . This field belongs to the owner who planted it , and the harvest is coming soon . " The spider grinned and said to the little bug , " I don 't believe you , " and then the spider ate the little bug for lunch . A few days later , the spider was laughing about the story the little bug had told her . She thought to herself , " A harvest ! What a silly idea . I have lived here all of my life , and nothing has ever disturbed me . I have been here since these stalks were just a foot off the ground , and I 'll be here for the rest of my life , because nothing is ever going to change in this field . Life is good , and I have it made . " The next day was a beautiful sunny day in the cornfPosted by Once there was a time , according to legend , when Ireland was ruled by a king who had no son . The king sent out his couriers to post notices in all the towns of his realm . The notices advised that every qualified young man should apply for an interview with the king as a possible successor to the throne . However , all such candidates must have these two qualifications : They must ( 1 ) love God and ( 2 ) love their fellow human beings . The Young man about whom this legend centers saw a notice and reflected that he loved God and , also , his neighbors . One thing stopped him , he was so poor that he had no clothes that would be presentable in the sight of the king . Nor did he have the funds to buy provisions for the long journey to the castle . So the young man begged here , and borrowed there , finally managing to scrounge enough money for the appropriate clothes and the necessary supplies . Properly attired and well - suited , the young man set out on his quest , and had almost completed the journey when he came upon a poor beggar by the side of the road . The beggar sat trembling , clad only in tattered rags . His extended arms pleaded for help . His weak voice croaked , " I 'm hungry and cold . Please help me . . . please ? " The young man was so moved by this beggar 's need that he immediately stripped off his new clothes and put on the tattered threads of the beggar . Without a second thought he gave the beggar all his provision as well . Then , somewhat hesitantly , he continued his journey to the castle dressed in the rags of the beggar , lacking provisions for his return trek home . Upon his arrival at the castle , a king 's attendant showed him in to the great hall . After a brief respite to clean off the journey 's grime , he was finally admitted to the throne room of the king . The young man bowed low before his majesty . When he raised his eyes , he gaped in astonishment . " You . . . it 's you ! You 're the beggar by the side of the road . " " Yes , " the king replied with a twinkle , " I was that beggar . " " But . . . bu . . . bu . . . you are not really a beggar . You are the kiPosted by A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City , walking near Times Square in Manhattan . It was during the noon lunch hour and the streets were filled with people . Cars were honking their horns , taxicabs were squealing around corners , sirens were wailing , and the sounds of the city were almost deafening . Suddenly , the Native American said , " I hear a cricket . " His friend said , " What ? You must be crazy . You couldn 't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise ! " " No , I 'm sure of it , " the Native American said , " I heard a cricket . " " That 's crazy , " said the friend . The Native American listened carefully for a moment , and then walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing . He looked into the bushes , beneath the branches , and sure enough , he located a small cricket . His friend was utterly amazed . " That 's incredible , " said his friend . " You must have superhuman ears ! " " No , " said the Native American . " My ears are no different from yours . It all depends on what you 're listening for . " " But that can 't be ! " said the friend . " I could never hear a cricket in this noise . " " Yes , it 's true , " came the reply . " It depends on what is really important to you . Here , let me show you . " He reached into his pocket , pulled out a few coins , and discreetly dropped them on the sidewalk . And then , even with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears , they noticed every head within twenty feet turn and look to see if the money that tinkled on the pavement was theirs . " See what I mean ? " asked the Native American . " It all depends on what 's important to you . " What 's important to you ? What do you listen for ? If you are in tune with the Great Spirit , you will be able to hear when It speaks . - - - Author Unknown - - - There was once a young ballerina who had taken ballet lesson all through her childhood . She wanted to be a prima ballet dancer but she wanted to be sure that she had the talent . When a ballet company came to town , she went backstage after the performance and spoke to the ballet master . " I want to be a great ballet dancer but I don 't know if I had the talent " she said . " Dance for me " the master said . After a minute or two , he shook his head and said " No , no , no , you don 't have what it takes to be a great ballerina . " The young woman went home heartbroken . She tossed the ballet slippers into the closet and never wore them again . Instead she got married , had children . when the kids are old enough , she took a part time job manning a cash register at a corner shop . Years later , the same ballet company came into town . She attended it and on the way out , she ran into the same old ballet master who was then in his eighties . She reminded him that they had spoken before . She showed him photos of her children and told him about the corner shop job that she is doing now . And then she asked " There is just one thing that really bothered me . How could you tell me that I don have what it takes to be a great ballerina ? " " Oh , I barely look at you when you danced , that 's what I told all of them who came to me " he said . " But … but , that 's unforgivable ! You have ruined my life , I could have been a great ballet dancer ! " she cried . - Author Unknown - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So whose fault was it ? The old ballet master or the budding ballerina or both of them ? Please leave a comment . . I would love to hear your views . Thanks . This story , God Has Been Good to Me , is a heart warming story . I guess we never view life in such a way . We all complain when life seems unfair to us . We have never taken into account how much we are blessed . Well , God has been good to me . For 25 years , I watched him fight cancer of the face . First just a small speck that begin to grow larger . Year after year I watch him go to hospital to have a bit cut out each time . As the years went by , more and more of his face was cut away . When he returned with what is left of his face , he tried to smile . He never complained or was downhearted . He was a skilful mechanic and carpenter . In fact , he was one of the best . Whenever he did a job , he stand back to see if there is anything left out that could be added to make it perfect . Then he would see some little place that the average person would pass up . He would then touch up this or that . I suspect he said this to himself " My work will be my face and my life " I doubt if he often look in the mirror at that damaged face where the cancer eat into everyday . No matter how humble the pace he worked in , how small the job is or how crude the other workers seem , it never bother him at all . This was his work and it has to be done right . He never glance at the work of others ; a shoddy work done by others was not his concern . Nevertheless , I suspect when the job was done , he had a sense of inner pride and joy when he saw how outstanding it was . But he never boasted about it . As the years went by , he became weaker and weaker . His hands did not move with confidence and speed that so characterized him . He was unable to do many things . However no matter what the work or pay , he always had the insatiable desire to do a good job . The help he got was not able to catch his vision . They thought he was cranky to try so hard to complete each and every detail . So he worked alone . He did not complain or bitterly rail at the others . He would just appear the next morning by himself with no explanation of the absence of his helpers . During the latter dayPosted by A man came out of his home to admire his new truck . To his puzzlement , his three - year - old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint . The man ran to his son , knocked him away , hammered the little boy 's hands into pulp as punishment . When the father calmed down , he rushed his son to the hospital . Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones , he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy 's hands . When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs , he innocently said , " Daddy , I 'm sorry about your truck . " Then he asked , " but when are my fingers going to grow back ? " The father went home & committed suicide . Think about the story the next time u see someone spill milk at a dinner table or hear a baby crying . Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love . Trucks can be repaired . Broken bones & hurt feelings often can 't . Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance . People make mistakes . We are allowed to make mistakes . But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever . Pause and ponder . Think before you act . Be patient . Understand & love . Source : Unknown Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge . The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child . He shares some stories : Teacher Debbie Moon 's first graders were discussing a picture of a family . One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members . One child suggested that he was adopted . A little girl said , " I know all about adoptions because I was adopted . " " What does it mean to be adopted ? " asked another child . " It means , " said the girl , " that you grew in your mommy 's heart instead of her tummy . " A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up . As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope , he asked , " Do you think I 'll find Big Bird in here ? " The little girl stayed silent . Next , the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat . He asked , " Do you think I 'll find the Cookie Monster down there ? " Again , the little girl was silent . Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest . As he listened to her heart beat , he asked , " Do you think I 'll hear Barney in there ? " " Oh , no ! " the little girl replied . " God is in my heart . Barney 's on my underpants . " As I was driving home from work one day , I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home . As I sat down behind the bench on the first - base line , I asked one of the boys what the score was . " We 're behind 14 to nothing , " he answered with a smile . " Really , " I said . " I have to say you don 't look very discouraged . " " Discouraged ? " the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face . " Why should we be discouraged ? We haven 't been up to bat yet . " Whenever I 'm disappointed with my spot in life , I stop and think about little Jamie Scott . Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play . His mother told me that he 'd set his heart on being in it , though she feared he would not be chosen . On the day the parts were awarded , I went with her to collect him after school . Jamie rushed up to her , eyes shining with pride and excitement . " Guess M ws Years ago , in a small fishing village in Holland , a young boy taught the world about the rewards of unselfish service . Because the entire village revolved around the fishing industry , a volunteer rescue team was needed in cases of emergency . One night the winds raged , the clouds burst and a gale force storm capsized a fishing boat at sea . Stranded and in trouble , the crew sent out the S . O . S . The captain of the rescue rowboat team sounded the alarm and the villagers assembled in the town square overlooking the bay . While the team launched their rowboat and fought their way through the wild waves , the villagers waited restlessly on the beach , holding lanterns to light the way back . An hour later , the rescue boat reappeared through the fog and the cheering villagers ran to greet them . Falling exhausted on the sand , the volunteers reported that the rescue boat could not hold any more passengers and they had to leave one man behind . Even one more passenger would have surely capsized the rescue boat and all would have been lost . Frantically , the captain called for another volunteer team to go after the lone survivor . Sixteen - year - old Hans stepped forward . His mother grabbed his arm , pleading , " Please don 't go . Your father died in a shipwreck 10 years ago and your older brother , Paul , has been lost at sea for three weeks . Hans , you are all I have left . " Hans replied , " Mother , I have to go . What if everyone said , ' I can 't go , let someone else do it ? ' Mother , this time I have to do my duty . When the call for service comes , we all need to take our turn and do our part . " Hans kissed his mother , joined the team and disappeared into the night . Another hour passed , which seemed to Hans ' mother like an eternity . Finally , the rescue boat darted through the fog with Hans standing up in the bow . Cupping his hands , the captain called , " Did you find the lost man ? " Barely able to contain himself , Hans excitedly yelled back , " Yes , we found him . Tell my mother it 's my older brother , Paul ! " - AUTHOR UNKNOWN - In memory of my own dear mother who passed away on February 6th of the year 1972 . She is still deeply missed . In tears we saw you sinking , And watched you pass away . Our hearts were almost broken , We wanted you to stay . But when we saw you sleeping , So peaceful , free from pain , How could we wish you back with us , To suffer that again . It broke our hearts to lose you , But you did not go alone , For part of us went with you , The day God took you home . If Roses grow in Heaven , Lord please pick a bunch for me , Place them in my Mother 's arms and tell her they 're from me . Tell her I love her and miss her , and when she turns to smile , place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile . Because remembering her is easy , I do it every day , but there 's an ache within my heart that will never go away . Don 't think of her as gone away Her journey 's just begun Life holds so many facets This earth is only one Just think of her as resting From the sorrows and the tears In a place of warmth and comfort Where there are no days and years Think how she must be wishing That we could know , today Now nothing but our sadness Can really pass away And think of her as living In the hearts of those she touched For nothing loved is ever lost And she is loved so very much . Anonymous - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today over here and in my other blog at Masterwordsmith @ Writers . Inc . to honor mothers , grandmothers , soon - to - be - mothers and those who want / waiting to be mothers . . . 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No Other4 . The Invisible Mom5 . In Celebration of Mothersand also earlier posts in this blog . Here 's a post specially for all my blog readers and friends who are mothers . . . HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY ! ! ! Becuase You Loved Me ( Dedicated to My Mom ) - The funniest videos are a click away - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today over here and in my other blog at masterwordsmith - unplugged including : 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No Other4 . The Invisible Mom5 . In Celebration of Mothersand also earlier posts in this blog . A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away . As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing . He asked her what was wrong and she replied , " I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother . But I only have seventy - five cents , and a rose costs two dollars . " The man smiled and said , " Come on in with me . I 'll buy you a rose . " He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother 's flowers . As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home . She said , " Yes , please ! You can take me to my mother . " She directed him to a cemetery , where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave . The man returned to the flower shop , canceled the wire order , picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother 's house . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY ! ! ! In conjunction with Mother 's Day , there will be many posts today to honor mothers , grandmothers , soon - to - be - mothers and those who want / waiting to be mothers in this blog and also at my other blog masterwordsmith - unplugged . . . Don 't miss the earlier posts here and there including : 1 . An Original One - Happy Mother 's Day - featuring Eddie 's original composition . 2 . A Tribute to Mothers for Mother 's Day3 . A Mother Like No OtherHave a good day ! God bless you and yours always ! HAPPY MOTHER ' S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS & MOTHERS - TO - BE . . . . This post is specially for you in recognition of all that you have done , are doing and will do for your family . . God bless you ! It all began to make sense , the blank stares , the lack of response , the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I 'm on the phone and ask me a question . Inside I 'm thinking , ' Can 't you see I 'm on the phone ? ' Obviously , not . No one can see if I 'm on the phone , or cooking , or sweeping the floor , or even standing on my head in the corner , because no one can see me at all . I 'm invisible . The invisible Mom . Some days I am only a pair of hands , nothing more : Can you fix this ? Can you tie this ? Can you open this ? Some days I 'm not a pair of hands ; I 'm not even a human being . I 'm a clock to ask , ' What time is it ? ' I 'm a satellite guide to answer , ' What number is the Disney Channel ? ' I 'm a car to order , ' Right around 5 : 30 , please . ' One night , a group of us were having dinner , celebrating the return of a friend from England . . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip , and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in . I was sitting there , looking around at the others all put together so well . It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself . I was feeling pretty pathetic , when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package , and said , ' I brought you this . ' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn 't exactly sure why she 'd given it to me until I read her inscription : ' To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees . ' In the days ahead I would read - no , devour - the book . And I would discover what would become for me , four life - changing truths , afterwhich I could pattern my work : No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names . These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished . They made great sacrifices and expected no credit . The passion of their building Posted by In life , a lesson learned in your past that you will never forget completely . When I was in elementary school , I got into a major argument with a boy in my class . I have forgotten what the argument was about , but I have never forgotten the lesson learned that day . I was convinced that " I " was right and " he " was wrong - and he was just as convinced that " I " was wrong and " he " was right . The teacher decided to teach us a very important lesson . She brought us up to the front of the class and placed him on one side of her desk and me on the other . In the middle of her desk was a large , round object . I could clearly see that it was black . She asked the boy what color the object was . " White , " he answered . I couldn 't believe he said the object was white , when it was obviously black ! Another argument started between my classmate and me , this time about the color of the object . The teacher told me to go stand where the boy was standing and told him to come stand where I had been . We changed places , and now she asked me what the color of the object was . I had to answer , " White . " It was an object with two differently colored sides , and from his viewpoint it was white . Only from my side was it black . My teacher taught me a very important lesson learned that day : You must stand in the other person 's shoes and look at the situation through their eyes in order to truly understand their perspective . When Socrates reached his 50s , he went into marriage and took a wife , Xanthippe . She was known to be very hot tempered and nag . He was no ideal husband . He would leave home every morning without fail and return home sometimes quite late . At the end of every month , there was not any pay check . Story had it that once he was discussing ideas and thoughts in his house with his friends . They were discussing non stop the whole day until his wife , Xanthippe was so fed up and scolded them . She even chases them out of the house . Once outside the house , they continue discussing until the middle of the night . Xanthippe finally could not take it . She took a pail of water and poured it unto them . The philosopher , soaking wet said " You know my friend , after the thunder , there will always come the rain . " Many people rush into relationships and into marriage for many reasons . One of the reasons is loneliness . Loneliness can occur even if you have a partner . There are many people who have many friends but are still lonely inside . Do not go into marriage unless you are very sure . Even if you are married , the philosopher has one word for you . By all means , marry . If you get a good wife , you 'll become happy ; if you get a bad one , you 'll become a philosopher . Socrates The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five . Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand , she saw them : a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box . " Oh please , Mommy . Can I have them ? Please , Mommy , please ? " Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl 's upturned face . " A dollar ninety - five . That 's almost $ 2 . 00 . If you really want them , I 'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself . Your birthday 's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma . " As soon as Jenny got home , she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies . After dinner , she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs . McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents . On her birthday , Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace . Jenny loved her pearls . They made her feel dressed up and grown up . She wore them everywhere - Sunday school , kindergarten , even to bed . The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath . Mother said if they got wet , they might turn her neck green . Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed , he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story . One night when he finished the story , he asked Jenny , " Do you love me ? " " Oh yes , Daddy . You know that I love you . " " Then give me your pearls . " " Oh , Daddy , not my pearls . But you can have Princess - the white horse from my collection . The one with the pink tail . Remember , Daddy ? The one you gave me . She 's my favorite . " " That 's okay , Honey . Daddy loves you . Good night . " And he brushed her cheek with a kiss . About a week later , after the story time , Jenny 's daddy asked again , " Do you love me ? " " Daddy , you know I love you . " " Then give me your pearls . " " Oh Daddy , not my pearls . But you can have my baby doll . The brand new one I Posted by

When we first moved here Avery made a new friend , Simon . They only went to school together for 4 months but formed a strong bond . Simon moved into a group home in another city , but he calls Avery when he is home for a visit . So today we went and picked up Simon and headed to Longview for a day of fun . They were so excited to see each other ! And Zachery was as thrilled to see Simon or Sigh Man as he calls him . lol I have to say that even kids with disabilities tease each other . The first time Zachery called Simon , Sigh Man at a special olympic track meet , the other kids all laughed and teased Simon . It really cracked us up ! We went to Best Buy , Target , Game Stop and Chuck E Cheese . Simon had never been there . I read a book and the kids had a blast ! It was a really fun day . Simon 's group home was nice enough . It just makes me sad to think of him there . He says he hates it and wants to go home . Unfortunately his dad died 4 years ago and his mom is mentally challenged too . So Simon is a little overwhelming for her . The guy working at the group home said how nice it was that we picked him up , that it somehow made us good people . I don 't see it that way . Simon is Avery 's friend . It doesn 't matter that he 's different . I mean have you met my kids ? lol We love different ! But it made me sad that is it rare for someone to show up and visit or take someone somewhere . And I have to say it scares the hell out of me . For the future , for when we are gone and Avery is alone . I really hope that he won 't ever be . That he will always have someone to pick him up and be a part of their lives . I know he has Zachery . And it is our hope that one day Zachery takes as good of care of Avery as Avery has taken of Zachery . And when I watch them together and I see what an incredible relationship they have I know that no matter what else they will always be brothers . Posted by I wonder what that word means to people . Are friends just people you know ? Are they people you hang out with ? People you have known for a long time ? What does it mean to be a friend ? There are people I know and people who are ' friends ' on facebook . But I have a few friends that I think define the meaning . They are the ones who know me . They understand my humor and my pain and my joy . There are there for me when I need and they fill my life . Some of my best friends I have never met in person . I have spent time with them on line or on the phone but we live too far apart . They are not the ones I have know the longest but they are the ones who know me the best . Shelly , Chantel , Mary and Sarah , I love keeping up with you and spending time with you . We have shared so much over the past almost six years . You fill my life with love and laughter and joy . Lisa and Lisa you two are like my sisters . I can 't believe how many hours of my life I have spent talking to you two . lol I wish Boston and Portland were not so far apart . But they are not that far if you ever need me . Yvette , I swear you are me on the other side of the world . lol The me my mom always told me was there . One day we will sit and have tea and a lovely chat . And Val who I was lucky enough to get to have dinner and a very long chat with this summer ! There are friends I have enjoyed getting to know again , like Cheryl and Ronnie and Sheri . And really good friends like Katy , I am thrilled I have found again . And I have a new friend , Rene that makes me smile when I think of her . But there are also those who have been in my life forever , like Melissa and Jennifer and our friendship has lasted through the years . I was watching real housewives of New York tonight and almost threw up . I can 't believe these people call themselves friends . They obviously do not know the meaning of the word . They don 't know Shawnee , Melanie or Melinda , Sandra , Julie , Di or even Sandy . They don 't have each others back . One of the silliest things I have done is play farmtown . But I love itPosted by I can 't believe it 's been almost a year since I created this blog . I don 't have too many posts . lol Well I have a lot I have written in my head but not posted . I have even thought of writing a secret blog to post what I really think . lol But whatever I do I think I will keep blogging . I have just sent the boys to bed . We have had a good Christmas . Mike is on his way back to work . I worry about him . He didn 't get much sleep today . It has been quiet here to past few days . I have been cooking . I made a turkey pot pie . All from scratch . Well the pie crust was the roll out kind but that counts right ? lolI am trying my hand at meal planning and spending less money . So far so good . I am not very good with a budget but I am going to master this . For crying out loud I do this for a living . lol I have manage cash flow for several companies at a time and my little check book is so sad . lol So I am not sure what I will write about but I am going to write . The boys are in bed and they are so loud ! The talking and laughing . But it is wonderful to hear , as long as they stay in bed . I need quiet . And maybe chips and butter . Zachery started prek and is loving it . He told me that Tuesday was the best day of his whole life because he got to go to school . Today he came out of school and tole me he hates the home center . He likes the block and reading centers but hates the home center ! lol When we got home he told me he was in a bad mood because he had to go to the home center . lol He has already made a few friends . He likes a little girl named Christiana . Last Thursday he told her his phone number and asked her to call him . Then on Friday he asked if she remember it and since she didn 't he told her again . She told him he needed to give her a note with it on it . So he ran back to the car to find paper . I gave him one of my cards with our home number and he ran it over to her . Waving it over his head yelling Christiana ! Her mom took a picture of them together . He wants friends so bad . He 's also making friends with Alex and Zackery . In a class of 13 there are two Zachery 's . Well , Zachery and Zackery . And two Natalie 's . He plays with Zackery , Alex , Natalie Grace and Christiana . He 's not sure of the other kids names yet . But I think that 's pretty good for the first week . I love the look on his face when he sees me after school . It 's the same look Avery used to have for me . Their whole faces light up . I love picking him up from school . They always have so much to say right after school . Avery was always the same way . Avery is enjoying 10th grade . He is wishing he was in 11th grade so he could work at Walmart during the day with his class . lol He told me tonight that he needs to get recipes out of news papers and magazines . He wanted my recipe for the dinner I made tonight . He 's so cute . I love my boys and being their mom . It 's the best thing I 've ever done . since I have blogged . Summer was good , the boys are in school now . Zachery is loving prek . Avery is loving his 10th grade class . He 's wishing he was in 11th grade so he could work at Walmart . My boys are about to have birthdays . All three of them , next month . Avery wants a cell phone , Zachery wants a DS and a Wii and Mike wants , I have no idea . lol He saw a beer making machine , so I might get that . September will be a busy month . I have 2 fairs , to do . I 'm going to be selling my candles and Usborne books . I 'm excited about it . I have been making candles like crazy . I need more tins for the wax and fragrance I have but I 'm going to use all the ones I have here first . I really hope these candles sell ! I 'm not even going to think about if they don 't . lol Posted by I just helped Avery to the school bus with all his things . He 's leaving today for a Special Olympic meet in Lufkin . They 're staying over night in a hotel and I 'm not going . I helped him pack his suitcase and sent chips , peanut butter crackers , cookies , apples and drinks . I sent him off with two disposable cameras , new tooth brush and toothpaste , some books to read , hand sanitizer , $ 30 and a tear . I am so very excited for him but have an overwhelming desire to go and observe . I am worried too . I 'm worried he 'll get lost , or will want something or need something . I 'm worried he won 't do it right or will get in trouble and they 'll call me . That I 'll get the call that says , " Mrs . S , Avery isn 't able to do this , you need to come and get him . " I am worried if he 'll get his change from his money and if he 'll flush the toilet or do any of the hundred things a child can do to prove you were a bad parent . Of course I have the secret or not so secret desire for him to behave in such a way that people will think , " wow he 's got great parents ! " " Didn 't they do a great job ! " This is the first thing he will do without me . Don 't get me wrong he 's been to his grandparents house over night and gone with one of my friends to the movies and spent the night at their house . This is different , this is huge ! A trip with his friends , over night . It 's something I did in high school . I went on theatre trips and even went to Europe . I love remembering those times and want him to have those experiences . I am just finding it hard that there will be memories and experiences I won 't be a part of or really won 't know . But that 's what growing us is , isn 't it ? It 's those times you do spread your wings and start making your own memories . It 's about having to remember to flush and get your change and prove that you heard all those things mom and dad have been saying for years . So my first born is off , without me . With a new toothbrush and toothpaste , disposable cameras , snacks , $ 30 , and a tear . And mom is home cheering him on and hoping it doesn 't rainPosted by You hear people say that , and they don 't always really mean it . They might mean oh that was close or any other thing . I truly saw that today , God 's grace . Because without that Mike 's Uncle Jerry would have died today . It started out ok enough . I went for a haircut . Which is a huge deal in my life . I have to plan for that and usually talk myself out of it for one reason or another . But I 'd hacked off the top of my hair two weeks ago and my choice was to continue to layer it myself or get help . So I choose help . I took Zachery with me and was thinking we 'd stop at Sonic on the way home . But things were going good and I decided I had a hankering for a cherry limeade on the way so we went before . The haircut was great . I could have gone to sleep . On the way home I was going to stop at Walmart for a few things . I was actually looking at Walmart and decided I 'd turn the other way and just go home . I don 't get out much so that 's huge for me . lol Walmart is the biggest thing out here . I 'd only been home a few minutes . I 'd put some chicken in the micro to thaw out and sat down on the couch to pop on facebook . I heard the dogs start barking and told Zachery to look out the door to see if anyone was here . As he walked outside Mike , who was sleeping , hollered that someone was here . Well , I 'd just sent my four year old out to great whoever that was and thought it best to not bother with shoes and to just get out there . It was a neighbor , Johnny . As I walked to his truck , he said , " some thing 's wrong with Jerry . " I said I 'd go right over . Uncle Jerry is diabetic and has stage 4 renal failure . Aunt Linda called me the day before to let me know she had to go watch the grand babies from Tuesday till Thursday . I ran in the house yelled at Mike it was his uncle and for him to watch Zachery I had to go . I drove next door and ran into the house . Let me just say nothing in my life had prepared me for what I found . Uncle Jerry was on the floor , screaming , seizing , thrashing about and alternately begging for help and telling me he was going Posted by I have finally started The Love Dare . I had planned on starting for Lent but it didn 't quite happen . I 'm on day four . So far I feel like I have already grown . Part of what has amazed me is how much of this I can apply to my children . Day one , love is patient . Ok not easy for me . I am not a patient person . I will say I am more patient today than I was a week ago . One thing that I underlined and found inspiring was this quote ; " Patients is where love meets wisdom . " The books talks about love being built on two pillars ; patience and kindness and that everything else is an extension of these two things . It talks about anger being the opposite of patients . Wow , not that 's a big one right . I 'm not angry , right ? So I think , and I pray , am I ? Am I angry ? I 'm not patient and if one isn 't patient than aren 't you the opposite of patient ? And if anger is the opposite of patients than yikes am I angry ? Then I read , " Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment and grief . " Ouch , I mean serious ouch ! So huh , I mean I have to read that a few times . Ok sever times because I 'm letting that in . I 'm absorbing it and becoming aware . Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment and grief . That defines much of my life . How sad is that ? How sad is it that I think that ? Ok so I ask myself what are the desires of my life . That 's easy ; my family . The desire of my life has always been to have a husband and children . To have a home and family . There is a lot of family missing in my life . I have always had dreams of days , events , dinners , just every day things with lots of family . That is just not meant to be . Mike and I have a good marriage . I mean it 's been almost 18 years and there have been times that have been hard but I have always known we are in this together and he is my rock . That is why I am doing this . Why this book , why now . Because things are good , really good . Kids , oh did I want kids . My dream was to have 3 boys and then a girl . Now Mike madPosted by If you would have asked me this a few months ago , I would have had a completely different memory . I would have said oh yes , it was a lot of fun . I had lots of friends and really enjoyed it . Ok so I 've been on facebook right ? Well , since I have friended lots of people from high school I have started to remember the reality of it ! I honestly can 't remember a more paranoid time in my life . Did everyone spend time wondering if anyone liked them ? And if they looked ok ? Did everyone compare everything about themselves to the rest of the class ? Like I totally can 't remember many teachers but I do remember most of my clothes . I mean getting ready for school was seriously painful . Every button perfectly put into place to look casually thrown on . And for those of you who don 't realize , yes I was a valley girl . Pink and green , collars up , OMG ! , totally gag me with a spoon . Fur sure , fur real , totally . Do you not remember Nicholas Cage 's chest hair shaved like an eagle ? I still flip my hair . I know this because I just did it and it gave me a flash back . There are huge parts of me that wonder what people really thought of me . But there are other parts that are just amazed that anyone even remembers me . Ok this is my blog right , so I have to admit one of the first high school people I friended was Jim Brown . I have tons of memories of conversations with him . Many outside his house . Well guess what ? He deleted me and told a friend he really didn 't even know who I was . Well , seriously ouch ! So I got a little touchy for a while . Wondering if anyone even knew who I was , hell do I even know who I am ? I have found that yes people did know me . Wooo , what a relief . I mean I spend 6 years with some of these people , someone should know me ! I have learned that wow it 's really easy to fall back into those old feelings of inadequacy again . I mean I have spent years saying if I had it to do all over again I 'd be so much fun and just wouldn 't worry about what people thought . Cause that 's pretty much my life now . I have great friends but if youPosted by I mean seriously I hear it all the time from him . I need skin , I love tummy skin ! Zachery stopped nursing at 18 months . Evidently I hadn 't explained my desire to nurse him to the age of two . But just because he didn 't want to nurse did not mean he wanted to stop skin to skin contact . He frequently puts his hand or face on my tummy . When he sleeps his feet are usually on the small of my back . Because I prefer back skin to tummy skin . So at four we have restrictions on when and where he can have my skin . I would prefer not to have my top pushed up in public . Tummy skin is only ok at bedtime but yes I do prefer back skin . Zachery 's funny because the easiest way to get him to fall asleep is to put your hand on his tummy , with his belly button in the palm of your hand . He loves tummy to tummy skin . It 's almost like he 's trying to reconnect us again . Part of me isn 't surprised by that . I think back to his birth and it makes sense to me . Here he was all cozy and warm inside me . When all of a sudden his cord pulled out of the placenta and he started bleeding to death . He was then cut out of me and had tubes stuck down his throat and needles stuck in him . All in under 30 minutes . So really it 's no wonder he needs tummy skin . And seriously it 's one of my favorite things . The feel of his skin on mine . I 'm not looking forward to him growing up and not having that any more . Mike and I had a discussion last night . He told me I wasn 't the same woman he married . He was so worried I 'd cry or be hurt , he 's not great at sharing his deepest feelings . My initial thought was , you thought I would be ? I mean 18 years is a long time and we have been through so much . My mind was racing , what do you mean ? I 'm not fun ? I 'm not pretty ? I 'm too fat ? I 'm not carefree ? Which is it . He is concerned that I don 't like myself . Oh sigh , what a relief , that 's easy , you are so right I don 't . Ok that 's it really ? See here 's where it gets tricky . He wants me to like myself . He seems to think if I don 't like myself then nothing else will work . Huh , ok I admit it he 's probably right . So how ? How do I make that happen ? Of course he has no idea , other than to loose weight . He seems to think that is making me unhappy . His observation is that I try really hard to loose weight then I sabotage myself . Wow , I had no idea he was that aware or that I was that transparent . So I did cry . I tried to express the sadness I felt deep in my soul . That I felt like a part of me was missing and I didn 't know how to get it back . It 's true in the deepest part of me there is pain . I 'm not a sad or depressed person . I try to be joyful and fun and full of life . But here 's the secret . It 's an act . It 's like I 'm putting bows on over a wound instead of letting it heal . And what do I have to be unhappy about ? I have a wonderful husband and two terrific boys . We have a lovely home and want for nothing . And that part of it makes it harder . That 's the guilt of not being grateful . I have been thinking about all of this and I think I wear my sadness like a badge . That badge is my weight . Wow what happened to you ? It 's outward , unlike the hurts I carry . The loss of my mom was probably the most horrible experience of my life . Her death is compounded by not only loosing her but by the horror of it . I do not have the words to describe what it was like watching it happen . The surgery , the diagnosis , the chemo , more surgery , and then the bone marrow tranPosted by It 's 1 : 30 am and I 've been asleep since 9 : 30 . Mike 's at work and Zachery is sleeping with me . I hear . " Oh these jammie bottoms got me wet . " Today Zachery and I went to Walmart to have the oil changed in the car . We did our shopping and were heading out to the car when Zachery asked me about Avery driving . Avery has been telling me he is getting a drivers license when he turns 16 . And that 's a really hard thing for me . I wish he could . I plan on teaching him how to operate a car , but there is no way he is ready to look for signs , marks on the road , people and all the other clues involved in driving . So as Z and I were getting in the car he asked me about Avery driving . To be honest I wasn 't paying a lot of attention to what he was saying . I was trying to put the groceries in the car , make sure he got in and was just generally distracted . So he was asking me when Avery was going to drive . " Zachery I 'm not sure . " " Well when Avery is as big as you , he will drive . " " Zachery , honey I hope so but I 'm not sure . " " Why ? " Zachery asks as only a four year old can . " Well , Avery 's disability makes it hard for him to learn how to drive , so I 'm not sure if he ever will . " I answer . " What 's a disability . " Zachery wants to know . Sigh , all I wanted to do was get over to Taco Bell , get something to eat and get home . But how do I not answer ? " A disability is what makes it harder for Avery to do things and learn things . " " Oh , " he says , " is it harder for me to do things too ? " " No , Zachery it 's easy for you to do things . That 's why we have to help Avery . " With all the wisdom of a four year old Zachery tells me , " but Avery doesn 't like it when I help him with his homework . " Ya see that 's what I 'm up against . My four year old is trying to help my fifteen year old with homework . At Avery 's open house , he was showing us his new tools to do his math . He was demonstrating by doing a math problem . So I ask him , " Avery what 's 2 plus 8 ? " When Zachery yells out , " 10 ! " This is what it 's like when Avery is doing his homework . I ask him to read something and Zachery yells out the answer . It takes Avery a little longer to give the answer but Zachery doesn 't give him the chance . Then Avery getPosted by I think being a mom is probably the hardest and most natural thing I have ever done . There are many other things that I have failed considerably at , being a daughter , a wife . But being a mom there is no room for failure . That 's part of where all the pressure comes from . Failure means your kids don 't live successful lives because of something you did . Wow , now that 's pressure . Being the mom of a child with special needs is both harder and yet easier . People frequently say , " I don 't know how you do it , " or " I could never do it . " First what makes that ok for you to say ? Like my life is such a horror that you can 't imagine living it . Do you seriously think that is a complement ? So I don 't have a lot of Avery posts and you have probably wondered why . Partly I guess it 's because talking about his abilities and disability is the deepest part of me . It 's that raw part of me where I still feel responsible , as irrational as that is . And part of me feels judged , like I some how caused that to happen . And mostly because he is my son and I can 't imagine one part of him without the other . And by talking about it I am opening myself and leaving him vulnerable . Like I am somehow allowing judgment to befall him . So I have not written about it . But seriously how do I not ? I mean I have Avery stories . lol And how do I not share those and share him ? So today I share our latest problems . Avery steals . Wow were you expecting that ? How did that happen you wonder ? Well it started in the old school . He was in regular classes and no one thought to send his supplies , that I provided , with him . So he would take the other kids . I got it , he wanted to be like the other kids . He wanted what they have . So he would take their notebook and say it was his . We talked to him about it . Talked to him about things that were his and not his . Made sure he had what he needed . So it hasn 't been a lot but little things . It started with his cousin 's PSP . We were staying in a hotel for my grandfather 's funeral . We were leaving the next day . I 'd gone with my Aunt LiPosted by About 7 : 00 tonight I told Avery to get the clothes out of the dryer . He walks into the laundry room and grabs his head and starts crying in pain . I asked him if he hit his head or what was going on . No he said it hurt . So a little while later he was sitting in the chair crying and holding his head . This is always when I 'm at a loss as to what to do . I mean it is really bad or are you playing it up . So I called the Dr 's office and talked to the after hours nurse . I tell her what 's going on and she says we need to go and be seen . That is so not what I wanted to hear . I guess I wanted her to tell him to knock it off ! I wanted to know all the possible things that could be wrong . I didn 't think his ear drum ruptured , he wasn 't hurting that bad . And he didn 't have a fever so I didn 't think he had meningitis . But his eyes were puffy and his nose is runny so I 'm sure he has a sinus infection . I told him to go take a hot shower and see if that didn 't help . So he watched tv for a bit and then I sent him on to bed . A few minutes later I hear him crying in the bathroom . And I hear this odd sound . I go in there asking if he 's throwing up . No he 's got his head in the sink running water in his ear . Ok , we 're going to the ER . But guess what ? I don 't have a car . It 's waiting on new struts . So I called Mike 's aunt Linda . She came and took us to the hospital . Mike was already at work by then so I didn 't feel like waiting an hour and a half for him to get home . You could tell my poor baby didn 't feel good . But he 's such a good patient . Come to find out he has an ear infection . So we didn 't get home till almost 11 and Zachery had a ten minute nap in the car and was no longer tired . Both kids are finally asleep and Mike is on his way home . I 've been trying to wait up for him but I 'm getting tired . I tried to call the bus driver but her phone isn 't working . Which means I have to get up at 620 to tell her he 's not going to school . Are starting to bloom ! I cut them way back after the harvest last year . They hadn 't been pruned in years . So I was a little worried I killed them . lol I 'm so excited to see flowers cause that means pears ! A few weeks ago we were in Tyler running errands . For those of you that don 't know , Tyler is the big town . They have over 50 , 000 people , a mall , a Target , Best Buy and all kinds of stores . I don 't remember exactly what we were after but we had been to several stores . The kids were getting hungry and asking for a restaurant . Well , as much as I was jumping up and down saying oh yes let 's eat out ! , I knew that we are trying not to any more . It 's really expensive and then we wind up wasting food at home . So the kids were screaming for a restaurant and for the life of me I can 't remember who it was that said it first . Ok we 'll go to a restaurant . We 'll go to El Barno . Mike and I were just laughing ! See we live in a barn , so we would just go home and eat . The last stop we made was to a part store for something for my car . I sat there laughing to myself . The kids were so excited asking what kind of food El Barno had . Well , I said they had hamburgers and french fries . Zachery asked if they had video games like the other hamburger restaurant . Oh yes , Mike says , they have video games ! Him and I just keep looking at each other and laughing . We are tickeled that we are pulling one over on the kids . lolMike even changes the GPS to say El Barno instead of home . We can 't wait to hear it . Zachery askes how far away El Barno is . We tell him 45 minutes . He says , just like home ! So Mike and I spend the entire drive home laughing and exctied for the moment the kids realize where we are going and what their reaction will be . The closer we get Zachery askes us things like , do they have playstatin ? Oh yes ! Do they have Ratchet and Clank ? Oh yes ! Oh Avery isn 't that great ! ! So as we get home the kids hear arriving at El Barno and just laugh . They weren 't upset , they thought it was pretty funny . So yesterday we were out , in another big city Sulfur Springs with just over 14 , 000 people . lol Again they asked if we could go to a restaurant , and we say yes we 're going to El Barno ! Oh no , a REAL restaurant . Over the past few months I have spent time on Facebook . It started as a way to chat with some friends I made on line . And others I didn 't get to see often . Then I started finding old school friends and even family I don 't get to talk to very much . It has been a lot of fun . But as you start adding people you haven 't seen in 20 years , it starts to get a little odd . I admit I 'm fascinated by people 's lives . And you get to peak at their pictures and see what their life is like now . I love it when they upload pictures of before ! Like when I knew them because it can be hard to connect the picture you are looking at now with the person you used to know . So like I said it 's a little odd to say the least . And yes I 'm a little crazy , ok I admit it . I 'm crazy and paranoid . I always try to be nice and make a comment about their family and how lovely they are . I never admit to feeling shocked . And then here I sit , waiting . Waiting for someone to acknowledge my family . I 'd like to know they even cared enough to look at any of my pictures at the least . I wonder if I should change my status to say , Amy is Yes my son has down syndrome and it 's ok to talk about it . So I wonder do they not say anything because they don 't know what to say ? Do they not say anything because they didn 't care enough to even look ? Do they not say anything because they are horrified I have such a child ? And the strange part is , it 's even family . I don 't get it . You friend me I look at your pictures and tell you how happy I am to see you and how cute the kids are . Then nothing . What 's up with that ? I will admit it 's not everyone . My brother Todd and sister in law Debbie always have nice things to say . And my friends , you know the on line ones , the ones everyone says but do you really know them , they always have nice things to say . They share in my joys of being Avery 's mom . And I love them for that . And there was one other . A girl who had it all in school and is still beautiful . She said my kids were cute but wanted to see a picture of me . So she looked , rightPosted by I get so ready for the kids to go to bed for some quiet time . Now I have it . I 'm having it right now . But the other side of that coin is now I 'm lonely . Mike is at work and the kids are asleep and here I sit making candles and playing on the computer . I miss having a girlfriend to run around with . I know I could call Lisa and chat with her but it 's late . And I could call Liz and chat with her but it 's late and I don 't want to wake the kids . Cause that wouldn 't be a solution ! lol I guess I just miss interaction with people . The only time I do is while I 'm working out 5 days a week . Ok people other than my husband and kids . I totally love my life , but I wonder sometimes what else ? Or what next . Maybe it 's being without a job . Maybe it 's because we 're done having kids . That was something we were working on for so long , now what . It seems everything I did was some how related to having another baby or taking care of the one I did have . Working or not working . Going back to school . What I ate or drank or didn 't drink . So now I 'm 40 , unemployed and Zachery will start school in August . So now what ? I get to do whatever in the world I want to . But the key to that is what ? Part of me just wants to stay home forever . To plant and get some animals and to work here . Part of me would like to be a sonogram technician . But that is going back to school , which I would like but not sure if I 'm up to that . I can go back and do what I 've always done but for how long ? I don 't want to spend the rest of my life doing accounting . I like creating . I love my candle business and would like to grow that . I would like to add bath product and add a store . I love bath junkie and would need about $ 200 , 000 for a franchise . So how is that possible ? I want to travel , to take my boys and Mike to Scotland . To see all the different parts of the U . S . How can I do that and work ? lol So maybe it will rain money and we can do all that . So all this was about being lonely tonight right ? See that 's what happens when I have too much time alone to think . I knoPosted by I know a lot of people are amazed that I 'm excited to be 40 . I guess I get that , like I have many things in my life , from my mom . I remember her turning 40 , she was so happy . I thought she was crazy ! 40 is so freaking old how could she be excited ? She told me that 40 is like the first adult age . That when you are in your 20 's then you are really still a kid . And in your 30 's your not really a kid but your not really grown up yet . But when you are 40 you are an adult . So for me 40 is a milestone much like 18 was for me . The scariest thing for me about turning 40 again goes back to my mom . She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 6 months after her 40th birthday . She only lived to be 43 . So truthfully the next 3 years are going to be hard . I can 't imagine myself older than my mother . What reference do I have ? I saw a picture the other day of my Aunt June holding her first grandbaby , Lila . I weeped . Aunt June looks so much like my mom , that when I look at her I see what my mom could have looked like if she lived another 17 years . I looked at that pictured and cried that I never saw my mom hold my baby . Selfish of me I know , but I don 't know how for my mind not to go there . Yes , yes , yes , I know , remember all the good times , be thankful for what I had . And I am . But sometimes I want to rage at my loss , at my kids loss , I want to close my eyes and feel her next to me and when I can 't I want to cry . I still remember the birthday card my Aunt June sent my mom for her 40th birthday . It said , " just remember no matter how old you get , I 'll always be younger . " I think of that and wonder what it is like to be the younger sister who is older than her sister ever got to be . So this was about my birthday right ? lol I had a great birthday . The boys got me a princess cake . Zachery said he thought I needed a Car 's cake . I said I 'd rather a princess cake . lol They were so excited to go to Walmart and get me presents . Avery got me a 2008 Holiday Barbie and Zachery got me an angel necklace . They were so good . They kept their secrets for 4Posted by Mike put in the upper stinger and added the treads . He will close in the opening on the left and put in a door so I can use that space for my canning and veggies . Zachery ran out to tell me we had stairs ! He couldn 't wait to show me all the treasures he found . lol We have a ton of his toys up in the attic . I know this is blurry but this is what will be the boys bedroom . When you get to the top of the steps it 's to the left . The window looks out to the front of the land . This is to the right of the top of the steps . Will be a hallway , with a closet for the a / c unit and then our bedroom will be the whole area past the a / c . We will take out the garage door tracts . You can 't see what will be our closet , it 's the area next to the a / c . We will also put in a bathroom . Mike still has to move the duct work . He will run it out the other side of the a / c unit and add ducts for the upstairs . It 's a good thing I married such a handy guy ! The area he is standing will be where the ducts will go for what is the bedroom now and will be in the closet of what will be the boys bedroom . You can see the garage , which we will leave . And what will be our closet behind him . That 's above the bathroom and laundry room . There is still a lot to be done . Hopefully Mike will be sleeping upstairs by the time school is out for summer . Zachery was very disappointed he couldn 't bring his train sets down he found . I told him he had to put stuff up to get stuff down . So he brought up 4 blocks and 2 books . lol I said that didn 't cut it ! He has enough train sets down already . We will paint off lines of walls and then measure everything and draw it out . I think we will start on that part tomorrow . I 'm not going to paint the stairs and stain the treads until we are finished . This is were we are at the end of our third weekend building a staircase . We have the lower treads in . We will stain the treads black and paint the risers white . Mike had to remove the ceiling in the closet . And then remove the joist . You can see the A / C unit and the roof . The A / C unit will be in a closet when we are finished . The joist are gone and the opening has been framed in . Mike still had wires to the bedroom and hall to deal with . He has rewired and built on to the landing . We realized the landing needed to be big enough for the upper stringers to sit on . This is how it looks now . He will cut out the upper stringers next weekend and will frame it out . He will close the opening on the left and put in a door so we can use the area for storage . I hate not having a closet but can 't wait for a second story ! Notice Avery 's cowboy hat on the end of his bed . He loves that thing ! About your life passing in front of your eyes when you think you 're going to die . The same think happens when you think it 's someone you love . I have had a hard time sleeping lately . I can 't get to sleep , I can 't stay asleep . So last night I was sleeping great . For all of two and a half hours when the phone rang at 2 : 35am . I got out of bed thinking it was Mike calling me for some reason . I tried to make it before the call notes picked up . They pick up at 3 rings and we can 't figure out how to change it . I didn 't make it . So I went to the caller id and called the number back . I didn 't have my glasses on so I couldn 't see who I was calling but figured if you call me in the middle of the night I don 't care if I wake anyone at your house when I call you back . I got a message that the phone number was disconnected . Ok , I know the phone rang . So I think was Mike calling me to tell me that phone was shut off ? Crazy I know but it is the middle of the night and I did just jump out of bed and run across the room . So I got back into bed and put my glasses on to see who it was . It was Mike 's sargent . Ok , my heart started racing , my hands started shaking and all I can think is this is his new sargent and somethings happened . Since we live so far away , it 's long distance to call back , that 's why it didn 't work when I redialed from the caller id . So I have to grab my cell to put the number in it because I know I won 't remember it to just punch it in . And they cell doesn 't work in the house . So as I 'm dialing the number I 'm thinking ok I have to call Jerry and Linda to come and be with the kids . I guess I 'm not going to Austin . Why didn 't I call him before I went to sleep at midnight . Did I kiss him good bye ? RingYo ? What 's going on ? Oh is this Spurger ? Oh he left his cell at home . . . . No this is Spurger 's wife and you just called my house at 2 : 30 in the morning and I thought my husband was hurt or dead ! Oh I am very sorry , I had this as his cell number . ( a very contrite sargent ) I 'm so sorry . sigh , ok breath , I 'm so sorry I 'll try to findPosted by Zachery asked me to lay down with him . I told him no , he was a big boy and could go lay down by himself or with Avery . He said , " if you don 't lay down with me then you make my heart hurt . And if you do lay down with me you make my heart happy . " So I mean what could I do ? lol I 'm laying down with him . On construction on the stairs . I 'm so excited . Mike has done such a great job , I 'm so proud of him . This is the first picture . We have taken all of Avery 's clothes out of the closet and put them on his bed . This is the only closet in the house . lol So I 'm still not sure where all the clothes will wind up . I got all the shoes out and put up and everything else that was in there . This is Mike starting to rip out the sheet rock . End of the first day , the landing is finished . Zachery is writing his name on it . lolNow Zachery is explaining to Mike that the wall needs to come down . lol He 's so smart ! End of the second day , the lower stringers are in . Mine won 't . I just don 't get it . Avery is actually laying in bed , in the dark , talking to himself . This can go on for hours . If he just stopped talking he would go to sleep . Zachery just does not sleep . He 's playing on the computer now . I 'd say he 's good for at least another hour and a half . I have never in my life known a child who needed less sleep . Last night I couldn 't take it any more , no wait that was Monday night . I was the first one asleep . Last night Zachery decided he wanted to sleep with Avery . But instead of laying there he tormented Avery for hours , keeping everyone away . Then he decided Avery needed to sleep in my bed , that we all three should sleep there . So I 'm in bed and the kids leave . They come back out to the living room . I understand why Avery did it . He was trying to get away from Zachery so he could sleep . But it didn 't work , Zachery followed him . I just don 't know how to get him to settle down . It doesn 't matter if the routine is the same , it doesn 't matter if you change it . The child does not go to sleep until he is ready . I think I need more sleep than he does . lol It 's turning into a daily thing and it 's over nonsense . Tonight I asked Mike what kind of sandwich he wanted me to make for his dinner . He said he was thinking of peanut butter and jelly . Ok , I said . Then I proceed to open the laptop which is on the table in sleep mode because I have been working all day . I wanted to check my email and my work email to see if my payrolls had been reviewed yet . So he comes into the kitchen and starts making sandwiches . I told him I said I would do it . He 's mad ! Why you ask ? Because he heard what I said and I didn 't say I 'd make them I asked him what kind he was going to make ? ? ? ? ? ? Huh ? No that 's not what I said . So he goes into the whole I 'm not arguing with you I know what you said . So now I 'm mad , he hears wrong and thinks I 'm not going to make him a sandwich and gets mad . First it 's crazy to get mad that I didn 't say I would . Second it 's even crazier to not believe me when I say that 's not what I said ! The truth of the matter is he was pissed that I was on the laptop . I have had it put up since Friday . I was expecting rude comments when he saw me using it today , but I do need it for work . Which I did do all day . I had to open it to shut it down . Now I wish someone would explaine to me why it 's ok for him to sit in front of the tv all day but if I get on the computer I 'm ignoring him ? How does that work ? I don 't really like much tv . And I don 't like the crap he watches . And I don 't say anything when he is on the PSP . So really what is the big deal ? I 'm on the computer so I 'm not available to do what ? Watch you watch tv ? Play cards ; cause we do a lot of that ? Oh have deep meaningful conversations ? I agree I 'm on the computer too much . But I 'm board ! I know he thinks I should be cleaning the house instead . But for some reason I can 't seem to think I should be up picking up , doing dishes and doing laundry while he sits in front of the tv . And when I 'm not doing that I should be sitting next to him waiting for him to speak ? And yes I 've stopped taking my meds . And he asked me , have youPosted by Thursday we will buy the lumber to build a staircase . I 'm so freaking excited . I have been looking at instruction sites and have them designed in my head . I know Mike can do this he 's so meticulous . I am so sick of having one bedroom for all of us . This house is way too small . By finishing the upstairs we will double the space . It will make this house bigger than the old house . I need the space . It 's weird making this our home . It was never meant to be . Every time I look around I see Marsha , not me . I 've made a few changes but it 's pretty hard to do anything when we 're stacked on top of each other . So I know this will help . Then I 'm going to turn the bedroom now into the living room . I 'll start by painting it . Then the living room will become the office / game room . I know it will help Mike sleep by being upstairs and away from all of us . It will be darker and quieter . I will also be so happy to not have my room at the front of the house ! The street light drives me batty . Now it will be at the back of the house . I can 't wait to start ! I picked Zachery up from daycare on Monday , I know how crazy is it that he begs to go , and he tells me Noah said a really bad word . So of course I ask him what ? Wondering if I should be encouraging my 4 year old to repeat a really bad word . He refused to tell me . So I asked if Noah got in trouble . NO ! So I asked if they tied Noah to a chair , again no . Well did they hit him ? Still no . One can 't be too sure these days so I thought it was good to ask . Zachery seemed a little appalled by my questions but he goes with the flow . lolLater that night Zachery comes up to me and say , " Mom . " " Noah said super bitch and they didn 't tie him to a chair and they didn 't hit him , he had to go to time out . " How do you not laugh at that ! And now for the realization that kids actually come home and tell their parents things that happened during the day . It made me wonder what kind of stories I have missed from and about Avery . And what kind of stories Noah has to tell about Zachery ! lol I drink OJ out of the container . No one knows , I hide it . I do it so I don 't have to wash yet one more glass ! lol Even after being up half the night I still had a great day . It was an Avery and mom day . I got the boys ready and in the car and my car wouldn 't start . So we took the truck . We dropped Zachery off at his " play school " and headed to Mesquite . First we went to the candle supply and picked up the wicks I ordered . Then off to Target . Wow they were almost empty . Evidently they had everything on sale except for what I wanted . So Avery got a new pair of jeans and a pair of gloves . I am the lucky recipient of laundry soap and paper towels . While in line at Target a lady and two boys were behind us . Of course Avery had to great everyone and shake hands . They acted tickled and commented on his fancy hand shake . I wanted to turn around and say he 's not an oddity . When the young man said to me , " I have a brother with down syndrome . " And he was proud ! Come to find out his brother is 29 and he is 16 . Close to Avery and Zachery . And his brothers name is Zachary . lol It was raining when we left and the mom stayed with Avery by the door while I got the truck . She helped him load it too . lol I looked at her and said , " 29 huh ? " She said yes and he 's doing great . For those of you who don 't have kids with disabilities that is a great conversation . Two proud moms sharing that their kids really are ok . And a brother who was proud , he really touched me . So we were off to High School Musical 3 . Yes , I know . I asked him if he 'd see Max Payne and he said he would . But I knew how much he wanted to see HSM3 , and all I could think was what if he died tomorrow . How would I live with knowing I could have done something he wanted . And I thought of all the times he went with me to do things I wanted . So we went . It was actually a good movie ! We had such a good time . We had popcorn and hotdogs and soda . I could tell Avery really enjoyed it . It was really raining when we left . Avery did a " move " in the parking lot on the way to the truck . lol He cracks me up ! Then we went to get his boots . At the first store the woman was rude and wouldn 't speak to himPosted by Would I be creating a blog at 4 : 45 am ? One because I am a klutz and two because I have insane dogs . I went to bed at a reasonable hour of 12 : 03 , after bringing Smiley and Belle inside . It 's cold out tonight and they wanted in . I fell on Friday night , hurting my right hand and wrist . So I am having a hard time sleeping with the pain . And to top it off Smiley wants out but is afraid of the door in the bedroom . She only wants to go out the door in the kitchen ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Ya , so after letting Belle out the bedroom door and trying to drag Smiley , all 100 plus pounds of her , out the bedroom door , with my left arm since I can 't use my right wrist , she proceeds to bark excessively at the kitchen door . So I let her our while explaining to her that she can freeze she 's not coming in any more ! lolSo now I 'm awake . I have to get up in a couple of hours to take Zachery to daycare . He 's dying to go . How crazy is that ? I 'm home to be with him and he begs for daycare ? Well tomorrow is a good day for him to go since I have to take Avery to Mesquite to have his blood work done . I told him I 'd take him to the movies too . And I have to pick up some wicks . I 'm hoping I can convince Avery to see Max Payne , which I am more likely to be able to sit through , than High School Musical 3 . I will buy him the dvd the day it comes out ! What a horrible mother I am not taking him to see it . I really suck . I 'm sure other mothers do it and find enjoyment . If not in the movie , than in being the kind of mother who takes their kid to a movie that makes them pull their hair out . See why Zachery is going to day care ? lol No way could or would he sit through it and I only have one arm right now . lol

It 's that time of year again . Out come the nativity play costumes . Who 's going to be Mary ? What new slant can we take on the story this time . . . ? I can 't answer those questions , but I recently did a staff training session at my local school on the meaning of the Christmas story to Christians . It is easy to find that the Christmas story becomes stale and trivialised , no more than a nice story to give us a bit of sparkle in the darkness of winter . But what did it mean to those who first told it ( or rather " them , since there are two distinctly different stories in Matthew and Luke 's Gospel - and none in Mark or John ) . And what does it mean to the grown - up Christians who cherish it still . I produced a handout to go with the session I led - if it is any use to you , please use it . It 's called " Beyond the tea towels and the tinsel " , and that is where I hope it will take us . N . B . This assembly is about the whole body working together . Be aware of the fact that some children in your assembly might have disabilities . Parts of their bodies might not work , or not work well . Be sensitive in the way you talk about what the body can do . Song - I 've got a body . There was once a group of people who all wanted to live the way Jesus had taught them . They were Christians , some of the very first Christians , and they lived in a city called Corinth , in Greece . They had learned about Jesus because St Paul had travelled to Corinth and told them about him . They liked hearing stories about Jesus and they had each decided that they wanted to be Christians , so they came together to be one of the very first Christian churches - there wasn 't a building , but they all got together in each others homes , to eat together , pray together and help each other . But there was a problem . They were all different from each other . Some of them were rich ; some of them were poor . Some of them were men ; some of them were women . Some of them were old ; some of them were young . Some of them were slaves , who had to do what their bosses told them ; some of them were the bosses and had slaves under them . Some of them had grown up , like Jesus and Paul , in Jewish families , hearing the stories of the Jewish people - Moses and Abraham and Joseph - and worshipping in Jewish ways with Jewish prayers . Others had grown up worshipping Greek and Roman gods and hearing stories about them . They all had different ideas about the right way to live and the right thing to do , and they all thought that their way was the only way . So they were always arguing . They could only see the world from their point of view - they were right and everyone else was wrong . They couldn 't work together on anything , because there would always be arguments . Instead of being friends , they were turning into enemies . The leaders of the church were worried . What could they do ? So they wrote a letter to St Paul and told him about it . St Paul thought and thought . Anne The Book of Ruth - Old Testament . I wonder if you 've ever moved home and gone to live somewhere else . · Talk about moving ( sensitivity needed : children can move house for all sorts of reasons - family breakdown etc . ) It can be exciting , but also strange being a new place , having to make new friends . The story I 'm going to tell you is about two people who have to move home . It comes from the Old Testament of the Bible . There was once a woman called Naomi . Naomi came from Israel , but she and her husband had had to leave their home because there wasn 't any food where they lived . They went to a different country called Moab , far from their home . When they got there it was very strange , but they settled down and they had a family - two fine sons . Their sons grew up and married girls who came from that land . But then a terrible thing happened to Naomi . First her husband got ill and died , then both of her sons died too . There she was , in a land far from her home , with no one to look after her . The only people she really knew were her sons ' wives , but it wasn 't fair to expect them to care for her as she got old . They would probably marry new husbands . Naomi decided she had better go back to Israel , where she had come from . She 'd been away for a long time , but there would surely be relatives there she could stay with . She told her son 's wives that she was going back and started to say goodbye . She hoped they would make a new life for themselves . But one of them , Ruth , looked very sad at this . " I can 't let you go back to Israel on your own , " she said " I will come with you . Where you go , I will go . Your people will be my people and your God will be my God . " And so she left all her family , her home , her friends , and she went with Naomi . It was a long journey , and when they got to the town Naomi had come from - Bethlehem - everything seemed very strange and foreign to her . Naomi hoped that someone from her family would invite them to stay , but no one did . What were they going to do ? They needed toAnne Revelation 12 . 7 - 9Yesterday was a special day for Christians . It was St Michael 's Day . Some people call it Michaelmas ( if you can lay your hands on some Michaelmas daisies you could show them . ) To understand the story of St Michael we need to think about one of these . . . Show OHP picture of a dragon . ( I managed to find one in Google images which was scary enough , without being absolutely terrifying ! ) · What words can you think of to describe this dragon . ( The children instantly said " scary " ) Why are dragons scary ? ( A wonderful child explained that " we are very small and they are very big and they might eat us ! " ) · Do you think it would be safe to get too close to him ? Dragons don 't really exist , of course . They are made up , but people have often told stories about dragons as a way of thinking about things that are big and frightening . In the Bible there is a story about a dragon . A man called John was in trouble . A little while after the time of Jesus he had heard about him and decided to follow him . He became the leader of a church . It wasn 't like Seal church , a big stone building . It was just a small group of people getting together to pray and to try to live the way Jesus had taught them . But it was a dangerous time to be a follower of Jesus . The Roman army ruled the land where John lived , and they didn 't like Jesus ' followers at all . They thought they were troublemakers . So one day soldiers came and arrested John . They didn 't put him in prison . Instead they sent him to an island , far out to sea , called Patmos , and they made him stay there . It was dry and dusty on the island , and John was very unhappy . He was especially unhappy because he knew that his friends were back in the land he 'd come from , and that they would be missing him and be unhappy without him . He wanted to get back to them , but he couldn 't . When he thought about the Romans , who were very powerful and who ruled almost all of the world he knew , he couldn 't imagine that things would ever get better . Who could ever defeat such a great power ? Posted by 1 Sam 16 : 1 - 13This is the first time I 've seen you this year . I wonder what this year will be like ? · What are you looking forward to this year ? ( Gather responses ) · What do you think might be difficult this year ? ( Gather responses - these included a YR child who was scared that planes would fly over the school and drop bombs on him . . . which is a reminder of what might be going on in the imaginations of the children we teach . He said it rather quietly to me , so I just acknowledged it without repeating it to the rest of the school , and made sure I had a word with his teacher afterwards . ) I 'm going to tell you a story from the Bible about someone who found he had a difficult job to doThe people of Israel had a king to rule over them . He was called Saul . But Saul wasn 't a very good king - he wasn 't ruling the country well . God saw what Saul was doing and he decided that there should be a new king to take over from him . So God spoke to the prophet , Samuel and told him that he was going to choose a new king . " Saul won 't like that ! " said Samuel - " he 'll be really angry " . ( A prophet was someone who listened to God 's voice and told people what God was saying . ) So God said to Samuel , " Go to the house of a man called Jesse in Bethlehem . Tell him that you have come to worship God with him and his family . Jesse has some sons , and I want one of them to be the new king . " In those days , they didn 't put crowns on the heads of their kings . Instead they anointed them on the head with special oil , so Samuel took some of the special oil with him and set off . When he got to Bethlehem he soon found Jesse 's house . He didn 't tell him that he was looking for a new king , though . He just told him to call for his sons , so that they could all worship God together . Jesse was very puzzled , but he trusted Samuel , so he did what he asked . Now Jesse had a lot of sons , and Samuel wondered how he would know which one God had chosen to be king . The first of the sons came into the place where he and Jesse were . He wasPosted by This assembly was put together for Science Week at my husband 's school ( he is a Physics teacher ) . There was a geological theme running through the week . The assembly , which was delivered by the students , was aimed at focussing the attention on something we often don 't notice - the rocks that make up the earth . A large rock - pinched from our rockery - was placed on a table at the front at the beginning of the assembly . The students then read the script here - while the powerpoint presentation played . There was then some music ( Mendelssohn : Fingal 's Cave ) as the slideshow cycled through again . The assembly finished with a prayer . Apart from the fact that there was a fire drill in the middle of it , I am told it went well ! ( In fact , if people still recalled it after all the drama and disruption at all I would count it a success . . . ) So I post it here in case it is any use to anyone else . Once Jesus and his disciples were travelling from Jerusalem , in the south of the land where they lived , to Galilee , in the north . But between the two there was another land , called Samaria . The people who lived there - Samaritans - didn 't get on with Jewish people like Jesus and his friends . They didn 't talk to each other at all if they could help it . they didn 't eat together . Sometimes people would walk for miles around the edge of Samaria , rather than have to go into it . But Jesus and his friends just walked right into Samaria . It was a hot day , and they had come a long way . They were hungry and thirsty and tired . After a while they came to a well , just outside a village , where the village people came to collect water - they didn 't have water from taps like we do . There was no one there now , though , because it was the hottest part of the day . No one wanted to be carrying water in this heat . The disciples looked at Jesus and they could see he was even more tired than they were . " You wait here , " they said , " and we 'll go and bring some food from the village for you . So off they went , and left Jesus to rest . Jesus sat on the edge of the well , and looked down into it . He could see the water at the bottom of it , and he really wanted a drink , but he didn 't have a bucket or a jar , and the water was too far down for him to reach . What a shame ! He was so thirsty . But just then he realised that there was someone coming towards the well . It was a woman , on her own , carrying a water jug . Jesus was surprised . Normally all the women came together , early in the morning when it was cool . They liked to go together too - it was a chance to meet and talk as they fetched the water . But this woman was all on her own , trudging along the road . Maybe she had no friends . Maybe the other women didn 't like her for some reason , or were mean to her , so she preferred to come on her own when there was no one around , even if it meant coming out when it was baking hot ? But Jesus was glad to see her . " Hello , " he saidPosted by Joshua Chapter 4Need : A long piece of blue material . 12 " stones " ( crumpled up newspaper wrapped in crepe paper ) , a paper " stone " - cut out shapes - for each child . Once the people of Israel had to go on a long journey . Can anyone remember anything about the story of Moses ? ( Gather responses ) The people of Israel had been slaves in Egypt , having to do what the Egyptians told them . But then God sent Moses to rescue them . He led them out of Egypt , and told them that they were going to travel to live in a new land , a land where they could be free , where there would be good land to grow things on . But it was a long journey to get there , through a desert . All along the journey , though , God gave them food to eat and water to drink . It was hard and sometimes they were very fed up , but after many , many years , they finally made it to their new land . Moses had grown old and died by this time , but a new leader called Joshua was leading them . They came to a river , the river Jordan . Produce blue material and lay it on the floor . On the other side of the river , they could see their new land . It looked wonderful . How were they going to cross it , though ? They didn 't have a boat and there wasn 't a bridge . But Joshua asked God for help , and God told him what to do . Just walk into the water , and it will part , just like the sea did when Moses led the people out of Egypt . Pick up the end of the " water " as if it has parted . So that is what Joshua and the people did , and as soon as they stepped into the water , a path opened up through the middle of it - dry land for them to walk in . They were there ! They had arrived ! Finally ! At last ! They were very happy . Now everything would change . No more travelling . No more worrying about where the next meal would come from or if they would be able to find water . They had come home ! They made their first camp in their new land , and they were very excited . Everyone was thinking about the future . But no sooner had they made their camp than Joshua summoned them all together . He chose 1Posted by The beginning of this assembly is rather specific to our school . It could simply begin with the comparison of grasses in para 3 . The children who had grown the sweet peas were very glad , however , that I had noticed their efforts . Every time I have come into school for the last month or so I have noticed the pots growing on the decking by the entrance . One of the classes has been growing some plants there . I love gardening , and I sort of recognise the plants there . I can see that they are something in the " pea " family , from the shape of the leaves and the tendrils on the plant . But I don 't know if they are sweet peas ( show OHP picture ) , which we grow because they have got beautiful flowers that smell nice , or whether they are the kind of peas you can eat for your dinner ( Show some edible pea plant shoots from home - they look the same ) . It 's important to know the difference , though because you can 't eat sweet peas - they would upset your stomach if you did . I 've watched as they have grown bigger and bigger , and tried to guess , but there are only really two ways I can know for sure which they are . I expect the class that grew them could tell me , if I asked . But how else could I find out … ? ( Wait until they flower - if you are a gardener , like me , you can tell then , even though they still might look very similar . ) So , unless you tell me I will just have to wait . Other plants come in " families " like the pea family - different sorts of the same plant family look different . Grass is like that . It just looks like a lot of thin green leaves , but when you see the seed heads , you suddenly realise that there are lots of different grasses . I collected some on the way to school - [ show grass seed heads - I put them on the OHP , so the seed heads cast shadows onto the screen ] You can see that they are all different - some are fat , some are thin , some look like trees , some are very floppy . But their leaves all look very much the same . Jesus told a story about one sort of grass - wheat - which a farmePosted by This is a story from the Old Testament of the Bible , from the time of Moses . Who can tell me anything about Moses ? The people of Israel had been slaves in Egypt a long way from their home for many years . But then Moses had led them out of Egypt , making the Egyptian king , the Pharaoh , let them go . But to get home they had to go on a long journey across the desert . It was very difficult . They didn 't have anywhere to stay . They couldn 't grow their own crops to eat . They didn 't know where they would find water . But as they travelled , God helped them . He gave them food to eat and water to drink . After years and years of travelling , they finally got near the land God had promised they could settle in . But to get there they had to go across land that belonged to another nation , and the king of that nation was very worried . " Look at all these Israelites ! " he said . " What a crowd " Just imagine if they all decided to gang up on us . Just imagine if they decided to stop in our land and settle here . We 'd have no chance against them . We 'd be swamped ! What can we do ? " Then he had an idea . " We can 't fight them - there are too many of them - but I could ask a magician to put a spell on them , to curse them and make them go away . " As it happened he knew of a magician - the best there was - a man called Balaam . " Send for Balaam , " he ordered . " Make him come and curse the Israelites . " Off went his messengers to fetch Balaam . " You 've got to come , " they said . " It 's the king 's orders ! And he 'll pay you a lot of money ! " But Balaam wasn 't sure . " Stay the night , and I will give you my answer in the morning . " But that night , Balaam heard God talking to him . . " Don 't go " said God . " These Israelites are my people . I rescued them from Egypt , and I am going to give them their own land . If I have blessed them , there 's no point you trying to curse them . You can 't say they are bad when I have said they are good " . But in the morning , when Balaam tried to tell the messengers that hePosted by Luke 13 . 10 - 17Sing " If you 're happy and you know it " ( or some other happy song ) That 's a really happy song . . I 'm going to tell you about a woman who didn 't feel like singing at all . She was very unhappy because she was ill . She had a disease in her back . Gradually she had got more and more bent over . Her back hurt , and she couldn 't stand up straight . When she walked along she couldn 't look ahead of her . It made it very difficult to do ordinary things - just talking to people was hard . And she had been like that for eighteen years . Every week , though , she went to the synagogue in her town to pray to God on Saturday , because that was the Sabbath day , the day when God had told her people that they should rest and worship . They weren 't to go to work on that day , or to school . It was just a day for resting , for gathering together to pray . It was hard for her , because she couldn 't stand up straight to talk to her friends . When they sang joyful songs , she just felt sad . One Sabbath day she went to the synagogue and found that there was a special visitor there , a preacher called Jesus . She had heard of Jesus . She knew he told good stories and was kind to people , always wanting to help them . She wished someone could help her , but she didn 't think he would notice her , and she didn 't like to make a fuss . She listened to Jesus talking to everyone , telling them about God , and then suddenly he stopped . She wondered what had happened , but she couldn 't stand up straight to see . Then she heard a voice , " Woman , you are well again , you are healed " . She heard him moving through the crowd , and she wondered who he was talking to . Then , there he was , right in front of her . He touched her and told her again that she was healed , and gradually she started to straighten her back , till she was standing up straight and tall . It was wonderful ! She could see everything around her . She could see Jesus . She was so happy that she started to sing … Begin to sing " If you 're happy and you know it " But then the leader of tPosted by Badgers might ask her , " what are we going to do , where are we going to learn ? " " You 'll just have to find yourselves a space wherever you can ! You could do your lessons out in the playground … " A lot of people were very excited to see him . He had come into the city riding on a donkey , and that made people even more excited . They thought he was going to be a king . It might seem strange to us to think of a king riding on a donkey , but it didn 't to the Jewish people . A great king from their history King Solomon , had come into the city when they began to rule riding on a donkey * . The prophets had promised that one day God would send the nation another king as great as Solomon . How would they know when he had arrived ? He would come riding on a donkey . So when Jesus came into Jerusalem they thought this was it . Their great new king . No wonder they were excited . They thought he would fight a great battle against the Roman army and set them free … In the middle was the holiest place . Only the people who worked in the Temple could go there . Then there was a place where Jewish men , the men who lived in that country could go to worship . Then there was a place where Jewish women could go . Outside that was space where anyone from anywhere could go . Foreigners who had come from far away who wanted to pray could go there . IT was their space , the only space they had in the Temple . Jesus came into that space , where there should have been room for all these foreigners to pray , but what did he see ? It had been turned into a market place . There were people selling animals , people changing money , tables everywhere , noise and bustle . It had been completely taken over , not by the foreigners it was for , but by the people who worked in the Temple , as a place to make money . There was no room for prayer anymore . Jesus was furious . " This is supposed to be a place for people to pray . Foreigners haven 't got anywhere else they can go . You have stolen their space from them to make yourselves richer . That 's not fair , and it 's not what God wants ! " And Jesus began to pick up the tables where the people were selling things and tip them over . There was money rolling all over the floor . There were animals running around . It was mayhem ! When we thought about Miss Smith taking over Badger 's classroom we could see it wasn 't right . I 'm sure we would all tell her so . I 'm sure she wouldn 't do it anyway ! . The story of Jesus in the Temple reminds us of how important it is make space for other people , to make them feel welcome . It is important as you prepare to tell this story that there was never any serious suggestion made by those who originally compiled the Bible that this story actually happened . It is told in the form of a folk - tale , and is similar to other ancient folk - tales . Need : Cardboard signposts to Ninevah and to Tarshish There was once a very powerful nation called Assyria . They had a huge army of strong soldiers with all the latest weapons . No one else stood a chance against them . They were cruel too , treating those they captured badly . Everyone was scared of them . Jonah was TERRIFIED . He wouldn 't last two minutes in Ninevah with all those cruel Assyrians about . They 'd never listen to him . And even if they did , he didn 't think it was fair . Why should they get a second chance ? Why didn 't God just destroy them anyway ? Everyone would feel safer then . But Jonah didn 't say anything . He just got up and packed a bag . He went down to the harbour , where all the boats were and started asking where people were going to . In the night a great storm blew up . The boat was tossed about . The waves got higher and higher . ( Invite children to make " waves " with their hands , if you are sure you can stop the ensuing riot when you need to … ) The sailors were sure they would all be drowned . In those days people often thought that God made storms happen , and the sailors wondered who might have done something to make him send this storm . It wasn 't one of them , but then they remembered their passenger , Jonah . He admitted that he was running away from God . " The only way to save yourselves is to throw me overboard , " said Jonah . They didn 't want to , but Jonah insisted , so that 's what the sailors did , and as soon as they did , the storm stopped . Jonah began to sink in the water . This is the end , he thought . But God had other ideas . Deep down in the water below Jonah was a big fish . God sent the fish to where Jonah was and he opened his mouth wide and with one gulp , swallowed him . Down went Jonah into the fish 's tummy . And there he stayed for three days , thinking about what had happened . Jonah saw that he should have done what God wanted , and he prayed to God to help him . Now Jonah went in the right direction , straight to Ninevah . He still wasn 't very happy about it though . He didn 't like the Assyrian Ninevites , and he didn 't think God should like them either . He walked into the city , though , and began telling them God 's message . " God is going to destroy your city ! You wait and see ! " ( He wasn 't very nice about it ! ) . He didn 't think they would take any notice of what he said . But he was wrong . Every one of them stopped what they were doing , started thinking , and felt really sorry for being mean to people . Even the king of the Assyrians heard the message , and he was really sorry for being a cruel king . He ordered all his people - and even their donkeys and cows - to fast ( to stop eating for a while ) to show how sorry they were . And God forgave them . " You 're just soft , God ! They don 't deserve to be forgiven . They are mean , nasty people , who have done mean , nasty things . You should punish them . " During the night he made a plant grow up beside Jonah . In the morning there it was , shading him from the sun . Jonah loved his plant . It was his new best friend . But the next night God sent a worm along which munched through the plant . In the morning it was all eaten up . All Jonah 's lovely shade was gone . He was really upset about the plant dying . And God said to him , " Jonah , you are really sad about the plant dying . It was special to you . But you didn 't care at all about the people of Ninevah - men , women and children - who were special to me . They are my children , just as you are … " And the story ends there , with Jonah sitting in the desert thinking about what God said to him . We 're going to sit still and think now , just like he did . Sometimes its hard to love and care for people we don 't like , who might have done something mean to us , but God asks us to help them , just like he would . Posted by The people of Israel were in trouble . They were being attacked by another tribe of people , the Midianites . The Midianites kept on coming down from the hills , stealing their crops and killing their animals . The people had nothing to eat . They were getting really hungry , and they thought it was the end for them . Who would help them ? One man in Israel at least had managed to gather a harvest . His name was Gideon . He wasn 't very big . He wasn 't very strong . He wasn 't very brave . In fact he was trying as hard as he could to make sure he stayed hidden , so the Midianites wouldn 't find him and the small amount of food he had . He was working away quietly at storing the food away in an outbuilding on his farm , when all of a sudden he noticed that someone was watching him . He was really scared . Was it a Midianite ? But then the stranger spoke up . He wasn 't a Midianite , he was an angel from God . " Hail , Gideon ! Mighty Warrior ! God is with you " Mighty warrior ? Thought Gideon , looking behind him to see if there was someone else the angel was talking to . He wasn 't a mighty warrior , and he didn 't want to be one either . A little time later , things had got even worse with the Midianites . They had joined forces with another nation and they all gathered together in the valley not far from where Gideon lived . Now there were twice as many of them , and they were twice as frightening . Gideon hadn 't forgotten what the angel had told him . Could he do something against these armies ? He didn 't think so , but he started just talking to a few people about it - " we 've got to do something , " he said - and before he knew quite how it had happened , everyone was looking to him to give them a lead . Gideon tried to look as if he knew what he was doing . But really he didn 't at all . He wasn 't a leader . He wasn 't a soldier . He 'd never done this before . So Gideon prayed . " Lord , I don 't really think I 'm the person to lead our armies . I 'll do it , but only if you are really sure you want me to . Could you give me a sign to tell me it really is me you want . " Gideon got a sheepskin and he laid it on the ground . " If I really am the one you want , in the morning , could you make the sheepskin all wet in the morning , but the ground around it all dry ? " He went to sleep , and in the morning , guess what ? The sheepskin was wet and the ground around it was dry . Gideon was amazed . But … He was still frightened . Ok , God , I give in . At least I 'll have lots of soldiers fighting with me . Have you seen how many people have come to join my army ? There must be twenty thousand ! " Ah yes , said God to Gideon . There are a lot of them . In fact , it seems to me there are far too many . I am with you , and you are a mighty warrior - we don 't need all those soldiers . Go out and tell them that any of them who don 't really want to fight can go home … " " Is he crazy ? " thought Gideon , but he did it , and lots of the men went home . Now there were only ten thousand . " There " he said to God . " Is that better . " " No " there are still too many , said God - send some more away . " So Gideon sent away a whole lot more . There were only three hundred left , and that didn 't look nearly enough to Gideon . How were they going to defeat the Midianites with that lot ? God told Gideon to go down to the enemy camp that night and listen . So he crept down when it got dark , and hid outside one of the tent . As he crouched there he heard one of the soldiers say to the other , " I 've just had the strangest dream - I dreamt a great round barley cake came rolling into the camp and flattened all the tents . What do you think that meant ? " Gideon realised that not only did God think he was the right person to lead the attack , and his own soldiers , but even the enemy thought he was a mighty warrior ! So he decided he would do what God asked him . He went back up the hill to his soldiers and he gave each of them a pottery jar and a trumpet . He sent them out to surround the enemy camp . When he gave the signal each soldier broke his jar and blew his trumpet . Can you imagine the noise of three hundred jars breaking and three hundred trumpets blasting away ? It was a terrible noise ! The enemy soldiers all woke up . " Gideon is attacking ! " they shouted , and ran out of their tents . But in the darkness they couldn 't see who was who and they began attacking each other . Those who could just ran away . When morning came , the Midianite army was defeated . And Gideon had learned that he really was the leader God had wanted . Sometimes we all feel like Gideon . We think we can 't do what we 've been asked to . Sometimes other people believe in us more than we believe in ourselves . When we feel like that we can remember Gideon who could do far more than he thought ! We are just getting ready in church to mark a special time in the year . It 's called Candlemas , and it 's the very end of Christmas . Christmas probably feels a long way off by now , but we 've been celebrating it in church , thinking about what it means all through January . If you 've been in church you 'll see we still have our Crib up ( Show photo ) It 's a story which happened about six weeks after Jesus was born - we are now about six weeks from Christmas Day . It 's a story about two very old people , called Simeon and Anna . They spent all their time in the Temple in Jerusalem , the place where everyone gathered to pray . But they didn 't just come once a week or once a month , they were there every day . Anna even slept in the Temple . They were waiting . Waiting and waiting . What were they waiting for ? They were waiting for God to come and help their people . They looked around them and saw that people were unhappy . Roman soldiers had marched into their land and they had to do what the soldiers told them to . Often the soldiers were cruel . Simeon and Anna saw that people often made each other unhappy too . They treated each other badly , as if they didn 't matter , especially people who were ill , or poor . It wasn 't right , and Simeon and Anna did what they could to help people , but they knew that they couldn 't do it on their own . They needed God 's help . People believed that God would send a special helper - they called him the Messiah - but when would he come , and what would he look like . All day , every day , Simeon and Anna watched and prayed . They looked at all the people who came to the Temple , but none of them was the one . Then one day , a little family - a man and a woman carrying a baby - came into the Temple . The baby was about six weeks old . It was baby Jesus , with Joseph and Mary . They had come to the Temple to say thank you to God for Jesus . All families did that . And when they came they brought something to offer - two pigeons . Here 's a picture of them . You can see Joseph carrying the pigeons . They felt very small - the Temple was HUGE , and it was crowded . No one would notice them . But someone did . Simeon and Anna . Something told them that this little baby was the one they had been waiting for . They pushed through the crowds towards them . Simeon took the baby in his arms and said . " This is the one I have been waiting for . Now I can die happy , because I have seen that God is coming to help our people , and people all over the world . He will be like a bright light shining for everyone . " Anna told everyone around that this child would be very special when he grew up , someone would help them to live right . Mary and Joseph didn 't know what to make of it at all , but they remembered Simeon and Anna and what they had said as Jesus grew up , and thought about it . Candlemas is a time when we remember Simeon and Anna too . They had to wait and watch , to be patient and keep going , not giving up , so that they could see Jesus . Sometimes we have to do that too . It is easy to give up when things are difficult . But Simeon and Anna trusted that help would come , and that helped them to keep going . Prayer : give out jam jar lanterns to one representative of each class . As they stand at the front , pray for people who might be feeling helpless , all in the dark , and ask for help to keep going . Let the children take the jam jar lanterns back to their classes . I have been leading collective worship in schools for over 20 years , and have a considerable stack of stored ideas . I am sharing them here gradually , so that anyone who wants them can steal them . I stole most of them in the first place , I am sure , and what goes around comes around ! They are fairly rough - definitely half - baked in some cases - but they have actually all been delivered . However , as you are all brilliant people I am confident you will be able to finish baking them yourselves so they fit your context . I don 't go in for gimmicks , puppets , or rely on data - projected clips ( many schools don 't have the facilities to show them , and if the technology doesn 't work on the day , you are well and truly stuffed ! ) , or plays that require half the school to rehearse for weeks beforehand . Props are kept to a minimum - firstly , I don 't drive , so what I can 't carry , I can 't use , and secondly , they often distract more than they help , especially with small children . You are the prop , as you tell the story , acting out , involving etc . I have tried to put sensible words in the title of each post , so that you can search by story name , or by theme . The school I most often lead collective worship in plans its assemblies according to the SEAL themes - Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning . BIBLE STORY SUGGESTIONSYou can find a spreadsheet listing themes and Bible stories we use at my local school - not fully worked out assemblies - here . The Barnabus Schools / Childrens Bible is a very good retelling of a wide range of Bible stories , including some of the gory ones which are often edited out of childrens ' Bibles ! It 's a good resource to help you think about how you will tell a story , and useful in school for teachers who may not know the stories of the Bible all that well . There is quite a bit of information in the back about various Biblical topics too . The Lion First Bible is good too , suitable for younger children than than the Barnabus Bible above . It doesn 't have as many stories , but those it has are well told and well illustrated . It would make a good Baptism present . The Book of Books , by Trevor Dennis , is an excellent retelling of a selection of Bible stories . He is a very knowledgeable and articulate Biblical scholar and this shines through his versions of the story , which bring out in subtle but clear ways not only the stories , but the points that their original authors wanted to communicate . I highly recommend this for older children and for adults . The stories are very readable , but they also form a good starting point for your own telling of a story . The Stapleford Centre have quite a lot of new resources available for download - things with titles like " 40 Creative ideas for teaching RE " and " 40 creative ideas for Reflective Spaces " . There are some free samples on offer - for unlimited access there is a one - off subscription of £ 40 . From what I have seen these are useful resources , so well worth a look .

When I opened my eyes , it was dark outside . I hoped so much that I had escaped the darkness from my dream and it really felt different . The room was well lit and I wasn 't alone . I looked to my side where the chair stood next to the bed . There was the boy . I hadn 't been mistaken . He had a slim figure , not to thin , but well built and cute . He looked to be about fourteen years old , with cheek - long hazel brown hair … and emerald green eyes , like Aiden has had them . Had ! This thought almost brought the tears back to me . It was a stab right through my heart . I tried to fight them back . It worked , for now . " Finally ! " The boy smiled at me . " I already thought , you 'd sleep away another day . " His voice had something special in it . I couldn 't tell it for sure , but its tone was somehow soothing . My attempt to sit up resulted in a soft groan coming over my lips . I could feel every muscle in my body . I think I have to get used to that . To be mortal again never had crossed my mind . This mere constraint . " You 're thirsty ? " To be honest , I didn 't know if I was . My needs had been quite different for a long time , but in his eyes I could read his ambition to be a good ' nurse ' . So I nodded , just to do him a favor . " You 're welcome . " I gave it back to him and he put the glass where it belonged . The sip of water actually felt quite good . My throat had been so dry and arid . Humans definitely needed a lot of water to keep their bodies working I remembered that . I cleared my throat . " Who are you ? " I had this question on the tip of my tongue since the first time I 've been awake , when I confused him with Aiden . Ok , relax . Don 't cry ! " Pleasure to meet you , Adrian . " He was excited , I could tell that . He must have been waiting for quite a long time . Finally being able to talk to me was giving him a heck of a time . And what did I do ? The whole day I laid … in his bed ? My eyes got wide when I realized that . " Thank you , Joshua . That you took care of me , I mean . " I tried to get my legs out of the bed . He stood up and reached for my hand to help me . His touch was gentle . I was still a bit dizzy and had to blink to get rid of the stars before my eyes . Then I felt something 's being wrong with my clothes . They didn 't belong to me . " Could you please tell me where my clothes are ? " I looked at him , but didn 't get an answer . Apparently he hadn 't anticipated this question . His cheeks blushed . " My mother had put them into the laundry . She said , there was too much blood and you couldn 't wear them any longer in that state . " He blushed even more . " Well , so my father and I put one of my pajamas on you . They did see me half naked ? What could be more embarrassing ? They are strangers … Wait a minute , that was a thought a human would have . Great . Just great ! This answer left him a bit irritated . He couldn 't know money was after all no matter for me . Although , there was plenty after all these centuries . " If you like , you can have some of my clothes . I think I have the same size . " He said and then added quickly , " Just as long as yours are in the laundry , I mean " He blushed again . Cute . My instantaneous answer even surprised me , " Green ! " Joshua appeared from the closet and gave me a puzzled grin , but then continued his search to find something suitable . He came back with blue jeans and , indeed , a green longsleeve . " Here you go ! I hope it fits . " He said while giving me the clothes he selected . I grinned . " What ? " he gave me a look . " If you like you can use the bathroom to change . You still remember where it is , I hope . But , please , do my father the favor and don 't black out again . " Now he was grinning . " Well , he told me , if he had to carry you a third time , we would certainly prefer the hospital . " His response irritated me even more . Why third time ? " Wait a minute , you found me ? " I didn 't know if I could trust my ears . Had this boy looked after me for the whole time now ? Starting with the place I was left to die . If my death was in fact their intention after all . " Yeah . " He was unsure , I could tell from the look on his face . " Well , you know , at first I just wanted to move on , it 's better to leave these people alone , coming down from a trip or sleeping of a drunk , but then when I saw you , I mean , who you were , I just couldn 't leave you behind . They did a hell of a job beating you up , didn 't they ? " I was going to stick to that story . After all , he came up with it , assuming this outcome . I never told him what happened . " I called my dad , ' cause I didn 't know what to do . We brought you here with his car . At first , he didn 't want to , he said it would be better to take you to a hospital , you know he has his regulations … " No , I didn 't know , but I didn 't interrupt him , " but then I could change his mind . " So much for the question ' how did I get here ' . " That was really kind of you . " I began to take off the pajamas . Joshua turned away . " Now , really ? " I grinned , addressing him " You did see me half naked before when I was unconscious . " He giggled . " Yeah , and I 'm sorry for that . " He turned back and sat down on the chair , while I was trying to get into the jeans . They were pretty tight . I had to hold my breath to get the zipper closed . " Yeah , as long as I don 't breathe " . Joshua began to laugh . I couldn 't help myself , it was funny though , and I started laughing as well . I tried to put on the green shirt he had chosen and looked at myself from top to bottom . " What do you think ? " I stood before him . " Well , I think the green works fine with your blue eyes as well , " he grinned . I didn 't expect that . And now it was me who was blushing a bit . I could feel it . My cheeks were getting warm . I tried to play it down . " As far as I 'm concerned , I do look good in everything . " I smiled . But then it came to me again . Aiden used to say this little sentence and I always told him , that he really did . A tear was growing so fast in my eye that I couldn 't hold it back . It ran down my cheek and I hurried to wipe it off . But Joshua must have seen it . His mood set as did mine . " Ok " he said scraping his neck . " Do you want to go downstairs and meet the family ? " I just nodded . I knew he must have misspoken and actually meant ' and meet my family . ' Because I didn 't have one anymore . These people were indeed related . In the living room were three people . There was a tall man about six feet , with straight brown hair and friendly looking brown eyes . Like a puppy , it came to me . Although he was far away from being such a ' young one ' . He must have been in the end of his thirties or beginning his forties . Next to him stood a chubby woman . Her curly brown hair had a shimmer of red in it and her green eyes were ' smiling ' . Yeah , like there was so much happiness inside her , that it couldn 't be restrained and tried to find a way out into the open . But there was someone else present . A young girl , about the same age as Joshua . No , it must be the exact age . She was the female version of Joshua , with the hazel brown hair , although hers was running down her shoulders , and the emerald green eyes . They have to be twins . Joshua 's father came forward . He wanted to shake hands with me . A quite uncommon gesture among vampires , but I was used to it , so I did what was expected from me . " Hello , Adrian , nice to meet you . My name is Mr . Michaels , well , Chris . This is my wife Michelle and our daughter Sarah . " He pointed the two women out . " And of course you have met Joshua . He 's someone of the lifesaver kind , you know . " Mr . Michaels - or Chris - smiled at me . " Yeah , I heard about that and I appreciate what you did for me . " I tried to give them a warming smile as well . How could I not appreciate what they had done for me ? From my point of view , they could as well have left me in the park to die alone . But they didn 't . Joshua didn 't . " That 's pretty nice of you , honey . " His mother said . Joshua instead gave a crooked smile , but I didn 't understand why . His father laid his hand on my back and escorted me into the living room . The TV was still running , now , showing the news anchorman in the studio . Chris offered me to sit on the couch while sitting down in an armchair himself ; Joshua sat down right next to me . Now , it was me who was giving him the puzzled smile . Ok , ' nurse ' , I 'm feeling fine ! " And what 's your surname , Adrian ? " Joshua 's father asked . " We can call your parents , then . Telling them , you 're alright . I asked my colleagues about a missing report for a boy with your description , but nothing came up . It hasn 't been twenty - four hours , though . " I looked at Joshua next to me , not understanding . " Dad 's a cop . " He responded . Now , that gave an explanation to the ' regulations - thing ' , but the information gave me a shudder and I felt a bit concerned , because Cops work for the government . I looked back at Joshua 's father . He seemed nice , though . And he offered me to call him Chris . Who does that on the first meeting when he 's not a really nice person ? Maybe Chris felt my reluctance to not answer . " Ok … you don 't have to tell , if you 're scared . But you won 't get punished , if you ran away for example . I promise , " he said , giving me an encouraging nod . Well , what should I tell him ? That I never had a surname ? I raised my arm to stroke my hair . That would give me another second to think . I never felt like it was necessary to have a surname . In my world , the first name was enough to be recognized … especially my name was enough . Then feeling my hair running through my fingers I said " Black . It 's Adrian Black . " " But you don 't have to call my parents , " I added , remembering his first intention . " You know , … " Come on , Adrian ! " They died some years ago . " It 's not a lie . Well , Maybe the word ' some ' . " I live with my uncle now , but he 's out of town for a couple of days . I think he won 't be pleased , when he hears about what happened . " Now , that was a lie . I looked down to the floor . Could they tell I was lying ? Normally , I had my emotions under control , but this fragile existence wasn 't as good in lying as I had been before . " Oh honey , I 'm sorry for your loss . " Joshua 's mother said standing next to her husband . I knew she was referring to my made up parents , but nevertheless it hurt , because I thought about Aiden . " So , what happened to you exactly ? You know , if you consider going to the police , I can help you . " Chris was indeed a nice person . I never encountered such altruism in my whole existence , well not from an immortal , that is . These people , these humans were just nice to me . I didn 't know there was one . I had checked on my eyes in the mirror when I found out what they had done to me , but hadn 't paid attention to something like that . I raised my hand and touched the skin under my eye . It was swollen and hurt a bit . I had worse . " Geez , is this the time ? I 'm gonna be late for Karen . " Sarah suddenly said and I turned my head . " I 'll call as soon as I get there , promise . It was nice to meet you , Adrian . " She jumped up from another armchair on the opposite side , hurried out of the living room and I could hear a door , probably the front door , open and close . Yeah , nice meeting you , too . " I think I should go now as well . I thank you so much for taking care about me . " I stood up from the couch and turned to the entrance hall . I heard Joshua jump up immediately . " Wait , you can 't go . " I turned my head and could see the tension in his expression . His parents looked irritated at him . " I mean … " He bit his bottom lip . " You 're hurt . We can 't let you go out by yourself . What if those people raid on you again ? " He looked at his parents to get some support . " You said it yourself , Adrian , your uncle is out of town . Why don 't you stay with us until you are better ? I think my parents wouldn 't mind . " Although I was a human I could read the look on his face targeted at his parents quite well ' Don 't even think about it ! ' . I had to grin to myself . Now , he 's taking the ' nursing ' a bit too far . But it 's cute . What could I say ? I didn 't want to endanger them . Although I felt helpless for the first time in five thousand years , I didn 't want them to get hurt because of me . " Come on , Adrian . It 's ok . Tomorrow is Sunday , so no school . And I think it will be cool to have another boy in the house , " Joshua answered . How was I to understand that comment ? I could have discussed with him the whole evening he wouldn 't have stepped down . So I gave in . Joshua was excited when he heard my decision . " Of course . We can go together and I help you out . " He gave me an angelic smile . Tricky little brat ! He knows I was going to dump him . Joshua went into the entrance hall with me on his heals . Maybe he cared for me a bit too much . Soon I will have to go and leave him and his family to their normal life . Joshua rolled his eyes , now I was sure because of being called ' honey ' … again . I had to giggle . I didn 't want to , but his face was too sweet . Like a real ' honey - cake ' . He tried to knock it off and keep cool . He gave me a fast smirk and hurried back upstairs , probably to get his cell phone . Actually , I thought teenagers go to sleep with their cell phones these days . I was proven wrong . There was a bunch of people in the streets . I had never wasted a real thought on them before . I had listened to their thinking , yes . There was worry , pain , love , lust , envy and anger , even hatred . You could find everything , but it wasn 't worth a second look . They were so ' imprisoned ' in their small heads . Not able to see their great potential . Now , I was one of them . One among many . Like the cattle , my parents had to nourish our community , they were just following their normal routine . Walking in groups to feel safe and comfortable . Such a waste ! I self - pitied my current existence . It was like you were to stop breathing . I was used to my immortality . I hadn 't embraced it with open arms , though , but I learned to deal with it and I also had the power to do everything I wanted . No one was allowed to command me . I was the one who did that . Well , I thought I did . But Lucas showed me how wrong I was . He must have convinced the others that it would be necessary to get rid of me . What he was up to I could only guess . I knew , whatever it was that he was planning , I wouldn 't have agreed to it . So , now I was off the game and he could act . I have to stop him , before something bad happens . Someone bumped into me and just moved on without an apology . I felt anger rising inside of me . What was he thinking to just walk away on me ? The day before I could have ripped off his head for this insult . I never would have done it , though , but just to know that I could if I wanted to was a powerful feeling in itself . Maybe I was too used to that superiority . Actually , perhaps it 's a good thing to start all over again . To live a life . A real life . But there was someone missing in the picture . And I wanted to know . He must have been irritated , but he agreed . We crossed some streets and went through a side road until we reached the park . I took a deep breath when we entered it . We went on for some more minutes until he said " There ! " He raised his arm and held out his index finger to point out nothing special . I couldn 't tell , but he seemed to feel confident about this . We reached the spot he had shown me ; I looked around and began to remember . It was definitely the right place . I saw the van before my inner eye and the man carrying Aiden . I followed him . I walked past a lantern that illuminated the ground and the surrounding area . I stopped and stared ahead . This was it . I knelt down on my knees . I reached out with my hand to touch the ground . The grass was wet but I didn 't care . This was the place where the man had put him . And I felt nothing . I could always feel Aiden 's presence , but in this moment , in this shell there was nothing I could feel . I knew he was dead . I knew they had dealt with him like they would deal with every corpse with the slightest vampire sign on it . A drop fell on the back of my hand . It wasn 't rain . I didn 't try to hold my tears back . Nothing did matter anymore . Now I knew for sure that he was gone . Forever . I sank down onto the small place that was his ' rest in peace ' for me . I was ready to die as well . Lying there , crying , I remembered , how Aiden actually asked me once , if we could buy a Christmas tree . He said everybody had one except us . We did buy one though and I also bought him a present , but didn 't admit it until he was so excited that there was a present under the tree for me . A present he had bought and put there when I wasn 't around . " Adrian , are you ok ? " Joshua 's voice sounded caring , although he couldn 't know why I was crying . I didn 't answer . Maybe if I just stay here , he will get bored and leaves . Then he said something else . " Who is that ? " I didn 't want to , but I looked up at him . He wasn 't staring at me . There was something else that got his attention . I turned my head , my vision still blurred by my tears . I blinked several times to free my eyes from it and looked again into the dark . There was a figure . I tried to stand up and steady my position , wiping the tears from my wet face . I hold my breath when I saw the figure moving closer . I could see a pair of eyes looking in our direction . But it was the color that made me get scared . I new that glowing crimson color well . It was a vampire on the hunt . It was a man . From his physical appearance in his early twenties , but I couldn 't tell how long he had been in darkness . He moved even closer and the small hairs on my neck were rising . Both of us were no match for him . I walked a step to my right to stand before Joshua and the vampire stopped . He cocked his head and then began to grin . I build a wall in my head , brick by brick and then I created an ocean behind it . I could see the vampire 's face now . His grin vanished . I wasn 't sure , but I believed he hadn 't expected this . You won 't get into my head this easy , my friend . He knit his brows . Yes , I know what you are and what you want . But you won 't get it from us . So leave us in peace and look for someone else . " That 's creepy , Adrian . Please let 's go . " Joshua took my hand and I looked down at it . He still cared for me , but I should have been the one to protect him . And this vampire was threatening him . I felt a rush of anger inside of me . Then , out of nowhere , I was thrown to the ground . I lost the contact with Joshua 's hand and landed on the same grass I had lain on some moments ago . The fall made the air leave my lungs . I heard Joshua 's screams . Then I saw his face in front of me . " Joshua , RUN ! " I screamed at him . I didn 't want him to get hurt . He was too nice to die here with me . I saw the dark figure approaching . " Leave him alone , you monster . " Joshua shouted . Oh no , why in the name of my lost immortality does he have to be so stubborn ? The vampire grinned at him . " I 'm not leaving you alone . I haven 't done the first time and I 'm not gonna do that now . " He 's crazy ! He will be dead , if he doesn 't leave . He took a step forward and then pushed Joshua away with his right hand . My mortal friend was carried away by the push and landed several feet away on the ground . I could hear him cough after landing hard on the gravel walk next to the grass line . Suddenly my mouth was covered with a hand and my breathing was going really fast . I could see his eyes , illuminating my face with their crimson glow . Then I felt pain . It hurt so much when his fangs pierced through my skin and entered my main artery . I tried to fight him off , but I was too weak . So I gave in ; I wanted to embrace the death and not fear it . But I didn 't die . Instead something else happened . I heard the slurping sounds from his fangs but it weren 't the ones I remembered from myself . No , actually suddenly the sounds stopped and my tormentor retreated . What 's happening ? Why did he do that ? The vampire stumbled back as though as if he was drunk . But that was not possible . He held his chest and I could hear his breathing coming irregularly , almost stertorously . His eyes lost their glow and he looked at me in fear . I was stunned and noticed that my mouth was open . How was that possible ? I remembered what one of the men in the van had said , ' That would be a surprise to the wingless bat that feeds on him . I would like to see that ' . I now knew what he referred to . But again , how ? If I was mortal again , how could my blood be poisonous ? Because what was happening , it was just that . The vampire , now lying at my feet , was dying . I saw his eyes closing . I could hear Joshua behind me and turned my head in his direction . I saw him holding his side . He was limping a bit as well , but otherwise seemed to be ok . I looked back at our attacker . He didn 't breathe anymore . They took my immortality from me , but I took more from him . I felt sad and I pitied him . After all , he had been one of our children and I couldn 't deny him his survival instincts . Two headlights were coming around a corner . I didn 't think this park was cleared for traffic , though . It was a black van with darkened windows and when I saw it I felt my heart sink again . No , not this as well . The van stopped and to men got off . I saw him still staring at the creature of his nightmares , but let me carry him with me anyway . I increased the pace , walking straight to the park 's exit . Then I turned right and hurried forward . Joshua still behind me , holding my hand . I started running . Not looking back . There weren 't as many people in the streets as there 've been during our walk to the park . I didn 't look into the few faces . All I could think about was getting away from these men as far as possible . Never had I imagined to do something like that . Running away . Joshua tried to keep up with me , but his right leg didn 't allow this pace , so I slowed down . " Slag - what ? " He gave me a puzzled look . We were still walking fast down the streets , turning right or left until I was sure there was no one on our heals . Coming to a full stop in a side street we tried to breathe regularly . I saw Joshua 's chest rising up and down and he was holding his side again . Then , about a minute later I continued . " Slaghunters . They 're humans , working for the government to make sure there are no human witnesses to a vampire feeding and to get rid of the leftovers . " What ? You saw his eyes , you saw him move . You even must have seen what he did to me . I don 't know what happened , though , why he died , I mean , but you need to understand he was a real vampire . " I gave him a serious look . " Feed on us ? " He nodded . " Well , when a vampire feeds and only then , he emits specific ultrasonic waves . Even the really sensitive ears of a vampire can 't hear them . But believe me , they 're there . So , you just have to use a tracking device calibrated on this special frequency and you can get a lock on the position . " " The elders . Well , actually , I did . I told them how to track the feeding ground and I made the treaties with the human governments . All of them . " " Listen Joshua , I promise I will tell you everything , but right now , we have to get off the streets . " I began to walk . I could feel the dry blood on my neck and the wounds where it came from , these small holes ached terribly . I looked back and saw Joshua hesitating . He was irritated from what I had told him so far . I didn 't know if he was ready for more . We arrived at an apartment complex in a neat area . This was the place I had called ' home ' for several years . Joshua followed me inside . I recalled the day and knew that Frank the doorman would be there at the counter . He looked up from his magazine and when he recognized me a wide smile came to his face . " Adrian . I haven 't seen you in some days . " His smile vanished and he gave me a puzzled look . " What happened to your face ? To your neck ? And your eyes , they don 't … " The ones he was talking about gave him a serious look , then , looking in Joshua 's direction , he understood . Frank was a nice guy with a caring wife and a six - year - old daughter . He knew about our little secret and always kept his mouth shut . For him I was just another occupant , well , not quite the ordinary one , but we had a good understanding . " It 's ok , Frank . It 's nothing . Just had some problems with some ' friends ' . " I almost spit out the last word , but he didn 't continue to ask . " Do you mind borrowing me the spare key to our apartment ? I forgot mine . " I didn 't know if the key was still in the pocket of my own jeans , but I was sure Joshua 's mother would have found it before she put my clothes into the laundry and would have mentioned it . So I assumed it was gone . And the money with it . " No problem . " He reached under the counter . " You know , it will be quiet without you , Adrian . Actually , you didn 't tell me you were moving . " " Yes , they were already here to get your things . I will miss our talks . " He handed me the small key and I hurried upstairs , Joshua on my heals . I was in panic now . His words were irritating and I couldn 't understand the full meaning of it . When we reached my apartment door my hands were shaking . I had to steady myself to be able to use the key on the lock . The familiar sight was not what welcomed us . I held my breath . There was nothing . The whole apartment was empty . The entrance hall greeted us with its vacancy . I looked into the adjoining rooms … same picture . I ran upstairs to the second floor … same again . Joshua had waited in the entrance and when I came back downstairs I just could shake my head . " Now they really took everything from me . " " Well , … " He was scratching his head . " You called me by this name when you woke up for the first time . And I could hear you saying it … you know … in the park when you were … " He didn 't go on . He didn 't need to . " Oh . " Now it 's out . " He was my … boyfriend . " I looked at him , worrying he could run away . But he didn 't so I continued . " The men who hurt me , who left me in the park killed him . I saw them leaving his body behind before I blacked out . " It was hard to tell if he would freak out . But he just said , " So , you 're like … gay , I mean ? " and gave me an irritating look . I couldn 't completely decipher his expression . I didn 't expect that . Damn , what would I give to be able to read his thoughts ! " Well , when you find your true love , you don 't care whether it 's a boy or a girl . You 'll just embrace it . It 's this feeling of belonging to each other , completing each other , bringing each other to ' perfection ' . " I sighed , " You 'll know it , Joshua , when you feel it ! " " I 'm sorry . I didn 't know him , but from what you tell , I think he was a good guy . And the men we saw in the park killed him ? " " No , those were others . The slaghunters might even have thought we were the vampires and the man on the ground our victim . " This brought the fear back to his face . " I still can 't believe this ! If he really was a vampire … oh man , that 's too big for me right now . I enjoyed those stories about vampires and werewolves , but I always knew they don 't exist . My parents told me that and now ? How do you know about all of this ? " I hesitated . I wanted to answer his question , but I didn 't know where to start . " Adrian , you promised to tell . " Damn , he 's good . I knew this boy for just a couple of hours , not counting the time period I had been unconscious . Oh wow , am I actually keeping track of time , now ? Joshua was a nice boy , for a mortal that is . I wanted to trust him . I had trusted humans before , like Frank , but with Joshua it was somehow special . It felt as though as if I could share my feelings with him . The pain inside of me . " Joshua , " he listened , " how old do you think I am ? " He didn 't expect that one . I turned my head and saw him knitting his eyebrows . Maybe he wasn 't sure if I was kidding . He opened his mouth and I waited . Then he finally said , " Well , I think you 're as old as I am . Maybe fourteen ? Or fourteen and a half ? " I smiled . " You got my physical age quite good . But I 'm much older than that . " I took a breath . " Actually , I 'm five thousand years old . " I could officially see his mouth drop open . " You 're kidding , " he said when he got himself back together , " and I thought you wanted to tell me the truth . " He moved a bit and released my hand . I knew he was going to stand up and maybe even walk away from me , so I added quickly , " No , it 's true . Honestly ! Please don 't freak out on me , ok ? " He didn 't stand up , so I knew he wanted to hear my story . " Before you found me I was one of the four . My brothers , my sister and me we were the first ones . The first vampires . " Joshua 's eyes got wide again . " I 'm not kidding , so please don 't ask that again . " I grinned at him . " I lived my first life as a mortal about five thousand years ago , give or take . " I was . I don 't know how they managed it , but somehow I 'm mortal again . With they I mean the elders . I told you about them . " He nodded . " Because of my age , you know , my real age , and my meaning as something like the father of them all I was one of these elders . There is one vampire among them however , Lucas , who was plotting against me , I know that now . He wanted to get rid of me , why I don 't know . I have to figure it out . Because , whatever it is that he is up to , it might be dangerous … for both our species . " " No ! No one is allowed to know about this . You need to understand this Joshua . Our world is a secret to humans . You said it yourself ; you thought vampires were a myth . These slaghunters we encountered , as I said , they make sure there are no witnesses . And if we hadn 't run away we would be dead now . It 's their job . And they get paid by the government , the same government that also pays your father . " " I know . You cared for me although you didn 't know who I was . I could have been a drug dealer from what you could tell , but you took me home anyway . I just don 't want your family to get hurt because of me . These people are not some normal criminals your father is used to . They would kill everybody who is a thread to them . Just with the blink of an eye . Can you understand that ? Can you understand why I need you to keep this a secret ? " " Yeah , it 's true . But it 's different for me than for other vampires . I did feed on humans , though . Many times . But … " I didn 't want to scare him ; after all I was something like a monster in human mythology . So I opened my mouth to give him a peek , " there 're no fangs left , you see ? " " Actually … that is true . Normal vampires sleep during the day . Call it a hibernation cycle , if you want . Their skin gets cold as well . And when they get in contact with the sun … puff . My brothers , my sister an me , however , we 're different as I said . " " Aiden was my family . I haven 't spoken to the others in a long time . And I mean long . " I sighed , scratching my nose . " When we were ' created ' I was as old as I am now , about fourteen and a half . My brother , back then his name was Jabal , was almost sixteen . I always wanted to be like him . My younger half - sister , Na ' amah was about my age and her brother Tubal - cain was twelve . " Joshua was following every word that I said . " It was a hard time and they did some terrible things when we first realized what we were . Well , and I left . I didn 't see them for several hundred years , but when they found me , you know … Jabal could never allow his little brother to outshine his glory . "

As you have gathered from the last few posts although we were away it was by no means a vacation . It was not a happy time although there were some happy spots here and there . I 'm still crying almost every day . My friends don 't seem to understand my sorrow , but my husband does and so does God so I will get through it . Life goes on and so do I . On Thursday I slept all day . Literally . I got up , had breakfast , laid down and slept from 10 : 30 a . m . to 7 : 00 p . m . Wow ! I don 't know if I was that tired or still had the medicine in me . Maybe both . But so much for getting the car fixed . I did make fried rice for dinner because Joe and I were still in an Asian mood from having that wonderful sushi . On Friday we got up early and took the car into the garage . We said we would wait while they looked at it . It turns out the dome lights not turning off was a switch that was easily fixed . In fact it was fixed in a few minutes . But . . . While they were looking at that they found that the burning we had been smelling on the way home from the airport was a leaking timing belt and one of the motor mounts was loose . So we left the car there , had our friend Carole pick us up , and headed on home . It took them all day to fix it . Carole wasn 't able to pick us up to take us back to get the car . We were going to take a couple of buses up there , but it was only 30 * F . and we didn 't want to stand on the corner waiting for the bus . So I called a couple of people . My friend , Paulette , was home and happy to help us out . I 'm so glad we discovered this place . It 's only a few blocks from home and even though it 's a chain , this is the only one in Pennsylvania . It is always packed . And even though it 's a little loud with all the big screens playing different sports , you can still hear each other and have a conversation . Saturday we took little Snowy to the vet . It turns out she was running a fever . She got an antibiotic , a B12 shot to stimulate her appetite , eye drops for her weeping eyes , medicine for her gums and we start her thyroid medicine today . She is feeling better already because she began eating again . She has lost 2 1 / 2 pounds so we want her to gain that back . Yesterday was church . It was good to be back and see our friends . And then in the afternoon it was naptime . This trip has really taken a lot out of us . I lost both my VISA card and my new phone yesterday . I finally found my card in the bag from the vet with Snowy 's medicine . But my phone is still missing . I think I might have left it over at church so I am taking a run over there today and look . I can 't have lost two phones in one week . So that brings us up to date . Today is leap day . I don 't have anything special to do . I just really need to clean . I mean REALLY . So that 's what 's going to happen . We got up early to go home on Wednesday . We had to leave DJ 's by 8 : 30 a . m . to make the flight . It was sad saying goodbye to them , but I was ready to go home . I liked Tennessee a lot more than I expected I would and we are going to try to visit down there once a year . That 's if we can afford it . We got there with no problem and returned the rental car . Then we headed for the terminal , got our boarding passes and went through security . After we were in the waiting area I looked at our passes and found out that we were not sitting together . Joe was 5 rows behind me and we were both in the middle seat between two people . I was not happy about that , but what can you do ? We were lucky we got any seats at all because we did it all last minute . We hadn 't eaten breakfast , so we went to a food truck . Joe got a breakfast sandwich and I got another fruit cup . And we both got water . After a half hour wait we were able to board the plane . The plane taxied out to the runway and then the pilot told us we would have an hour delay because Charlotte 's airport was not allowing anyone to land because there was a tornado watch . I knew we would miss our connecting flight because we had an hour layover . * sigh * After an hour and 15 minutes we were finally able to take off . And it was a terrible flight ! The takeoff was so frightening . Up , then level off , circle , up , level off , circle . It went on and on . Finally we leveled off and I settled down . But then there was the landing . The weather was so bad and I was sure we were going to crash . The plane was blown sideways and almost did a spin . The pilot would go down and try to right the plane and then go down and try to right it again . We rocked back and forth and went up and down . I was so sick . And not just me , but the whole row of ladies behind me and the lady across the aisle . Joe said it didn 't bother him a bit . I glanced out the window and that was the wrong thing . I saw the ground spinning around beneath us . After about 20 minutes of a harrowing experience where I prayed a LOT , we landed . I was sicker than I 've been in a very long time . I exited the plane first so I waited for Joe and we went to the next flight as fast as we could . But it was at the other end of the airport and there was no chance that we could make it . Yes , the flight was long gone . We went to American Airlines Customer Service counter . A man was standing at the counter ahead of us . He had been standing there for 10 minutes . No one was at the desk . He said the lady at the desk had said she was taking her lunch and left . A volunteer came by and said he would find someone to help us . The man left so Joe and I were first when the lady came back a few minutes later . There was a long line behind us . She was able to get us on stand by for the next flight to Allentown which was 7 : 58 p . m . It was about 2 : 00 p . m . then . So we took it . It was a cute little food court with lots of different kinds of food . There were burgers , Italian , Indian , and this Japanese place called Hissho Sushi . There was a sushi bar you could sit at and some tables . We both got vegetable sushi and sat at one of the tables . You can 't see it , but the bottom edge of the plate had wasabi and ginger . The ginger really helped my upset stomach . We were given chopsticks . I had never seen any like these . They were attached at the top and I couldn 't get them apart . Joe said he used them many times when he was in Japan and he separated them for me without breaking them . This sushi was the best I have ever had anywhere . Joe agreed . We were so happy to have found this place . When I got home I went on the internet and found there is one about 16 miles from us so we are going to go very soon . We had sat there for over two hours when we heard the announcement that the gate had been changed from E22 to E6 . We gathered our things and walked all the way back to where we had started . Not only was the gate changed , but it was now leaving at 8 : 15 p . m . We were still on standby and didn 't even know if we would get on the plane . I asked the agent when the next flight out would be if we couldn 't get on and he said 8 : 00 p . m . the next day ! 24 hours later ! So we sat and waited . Then the flight was changed to 8 : 44 p . m . The reason being there was no flight crew . They had cobbled together everyone except a pilot . The pilot was on his way in , but was being held up because of the bad weather . There were tornadoes all up and down the east coast . 8 : 44 p . m . came and went and the flight was changed to 9 : 04 p . m . At 9 : 00 p . m . our status was changed so I went up and got our boarding passes . I was so thankful . And we got to sit next to each other . Around 9 : 15 p . m . a pilot came in , talked to the agent , then went out the door . We thought he must be our pilot , but he walked away toward another plane . But it was our pilot . And because we were so late leaving we had to walk across the tarmac and go up the steps . I was sitting next to the window this time . I wasn 't as scared as I thought I would be . I just wanted to go home . Joe had bought me some Dramamine so I took it now . I wasn 't as worried about taking off as I was landing . So about 9 : 30 p . m . we finally left Charlotte , NC and headed toward Allentown , PA . It was an hour and a half flight , but the pilot said he knew we all wanted to go home so he 'd make it in an hour . And he did ! We watched a lightening storm for a lot of the way . It was so fascinating to see it from the air . So different than seeing it on the ground . It almost looked like fireworks or maybe cannons going off . I started on the way home , but didn 't know the way . By this time it was about 11 : 30 p . m . and there wasn 't much traffic . That was good . Joe had the GPS on and I was doing OK but then I started to get drowsy from the medicine . Then it was more than drowsy and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open . I didn 't know it would do that to me ! There was nowhere to pull over so I had to keep driving and Joe kept talking to me to keep me awake . Finally we got to a place where I pulled into a gas station and we changed places . I don 't remember Joe driving home . I went right to sleep . We got home around 1 : 30 a . m . The day was rainy and cold . It just suited the mood . Even as I sit here and type it I have tears in my eyes . It was so sad to lay Abbey to rest . I got dressed first . I had a black and white top and a long black skirt . I found that people dressed more for the funeral than the viewing so I was OK . DJ came out of his room wearing a lavender shirt ( since Abbey 's favorite color was lavender most of the men there were wearing that color ) and told me that he had to go into town and buy a new shirt . " Look at this ! " he said holding his shirt out . It was really large on him . I said , " Hold it . Don 't return that . I think you should trade with your dad . " It turned out that Joe 's black shirt fit him perfectly and DJ 's lavender shirt fit Joe . DJ still went and bought a lavender shirt and tie but kept the black shirt . Joe wore the lavender shirt and the purple tie he bought the night before . DJ and Danielle left to get him another shirt . Joe and I left last . We had a key to the house so we were able to come and go as we pleased . We went in and found seats in the fourth row . There were three reserved rows in front of us and these filled up with what looked to be the entire Tipton County Sheriff 's Department . I have never seen so many police in one place . Abbey was an alderman and her oldest son Ernie and DJ are both police officers . That 's probably why they were there . When the place was packed and there were no more seats , the police got up and stood against the wall around the room . The songs were touching . The preaching was fantastic . It was just like being in a church service . Pastor Hunt ( who was one of DJ 's cousins ) gave a salvation message that was second to none . If you couldn 't understand it after that , forget it . We all gathered out on the porch and the family led the procession to the graveside . The cemetery is right next to the funeral home . After a short ceremony it was over and we were all invited back to Buck and Abbey 's home for lunch . There was so much food . Unbelievable . And so many people ! Abbey 's sisters were so nice to me . I didn 't know how they would take me because of Abbey being Joe 's ex - wife and me the current one . But I didn 't have to worry . They just loved on me and treated me as if I had been a part of their family my whole life . They were just the kind of people that anyone would want for their family . I had some delicious Southern fried chicken . Joe had some chicken and dumplings . And lots and lots of other things . For dessert Joe said he wanted pie and I got him a piece of homemade coconut pie which he said was wonderful . There were a group of people sitting at the kitchen table and they told me to take a piece of the Hummingbird Cake . I said I had heard of it , but had never had it . One lady said to me , " That 's because y ' all are a northerner . But y ' all should try it because it 's good . " And it was . The saddest part for me was talking to Abbey 's husband Buck . He asked Joe if he had done a good job raising DJ for him . Joe told him he did an excellent job and DJ and his brothers had grown to be wonderful young men . Buck started crying and said he had done his best . He said he didn 't know how he would be able to get along without Abbey there . And he thanked us for coming all the way from Philadelphia . He said it meant a lot to him and he was hoping we would show up . Then he turned to me and said that Abbey had thought the world of me and was so looking forward to meeting me this spring . All I could do was cry just like I 'm doing now . In a little while Joe and I decided to leave . We told DJ and Danielle we would meet them back at the house . We changed our clothes and while Joe slept I watched a youtube video and was finally able to buy minutes to put onto my phone . I tried to switch my minutes over to the new phone again and still couldn 't do it . I 'm going to try to get ahold of them today . Everyone was saying how much Joe and DJ looked alike . You don 't see it so much in these pictures , but they stand alike , they gesture alike , they have the same likes and dislikes down to their favorite color and favorite food . It 's amazing . And DJ definitely has Joe 's chin and eyes . DJ and Danielle got changed and then took us out to their favorite restaurant - - The Oriental Noodle . It was a little hole in the wall and I would never have seen it if I were trying to find it . It was pouring rain so we ran through mud into the place . The guy who owned it is a former Marine . He and Joe were talking about the service . The food was great . Everyone was coming over to see the baby and say how cute he was . He was sleeping most of the time . DJ treated us which was really nice . I did not have a good sleep on Sunday night . It 's always tough to sleep in a strange bed . But I was so tired I fell asleep right away . Four hours later I woke up with the alarm on Joe 's CPAP machine going off because the mask was leaking air . Then I couldn 't get back to sleep . When I did fall asleep I woke up about an hour later . I went to sleep again and again slept only an hour or so . So I read for awhile and then got up around 7 : 00 , took a shower and got dressed . I heard D . J . and Danielle in the kitchen eating but by the time I got there , they were gone . Joe got up then and we decided to go to IHOP for breakfast . We left a note telling them where we were and what we were doing then hopped in the car and took off . We had rented a Subaru and let me tell you that car was a dream to drive . We also rented a GPS and it was a life saver on not getting lost . It told us that the nearest IHOP was 15 miles away . I said , " 15 miles ! " and Joe said that 's the way it is down there . There are no corner stores or walk down the block to a restaurant . If you don 't have a car or don 't drive , you are sunk . Here is the front of D . J . 's house . His pride and joy Jeep is out front . I 'm glad he didn 't move it because I used it as a landmark the whole time we were there . It wasn 't hard to find the IHOP . And driving around there is really easy . Even in rush hour it 's not crowded like it is here . We then went next door to Walmart . We had brought light weight and in between clothes thinking it would be warm down there . It wasn 't . So we were freezing . I bought a very pretty long gray sweater that I ended up almost living in while I was there . It was so warm . I also got some sweat pants and a hooded pullover sweater . Joe got a camo jacket and some shirts . We found out that Abbey 's favorite color was purple and a lot of people were going to be wearing purple to the funeral . Joe wanted to honor her and wear purple too . He found a purple tie , but there was no shirt anywhere near that color . So he bought a black shirt . It was a little tight on him , but he figured he could pull it off for the funeral . We headed back to the house to change for the viewing . I wore a short gray dress with black leggings and that wonderful gray sweater I had just bought . Joe was wearing black pants , a gray shirt , black jacket and a black and gray tie . In Philly we always dress up to go to a viewing . D . J . came back to the house . He had been at the funeral home . He said he was just going in jeans . Jeans ? He had to be there early , so since Joe knew where it was , we just went ourselves . It was so very sad . I so wanted to meet Abbey . We had planned on going down in about 8 weeks and Abbey and I were looking forward to sitting in a corner and talking and talking . She was one of the sweetest , nicest people I have ever had the privilege to know . It was strange to be there looking at her body and not talking with her . I 'm so glad I had the chance to know her through talking to her on the phone and emailing . Joe introduced me to her sisters and brother , her other children and some other family members that he knew , including her husband . Everyone was so grateful that we came all the way from Philadelphia . Everyone was so nice to us . We saw D . J . 's ex - wife there and went up to talk to her for awhile . Her cancer is back and she may be losing her vocal chords entirely . Please pray for her . Sometime during the day I lost my cell phone . I searched the room we were in , all my pockets , my purses , the car . Nothing . D . J . had been calling me and he said no one answered . So we left the viewing a little early and went back to IHOP and Walmart to see if anyone had turned it in . No luck . I ended up buying a new phone because I had to have one . The lady in Walmart was about to close up , but she opened the store up again to help us . Everyone we met down there was so nice and helpful . She tried to get my minutes transferred over , but their system was down . When we got home D . J . tried and later I tried . No luck . So I ended up buying minutes so I could use the phone . At least I was able to keep my number . But all my contacts and photos are gone . Things I will never be able to get again . I didn 't save them anywhere else . Oh well , it 's only a thing . So my old phone is somewhere in Tipton County , Tennessee and your guess is as good as mine where it is . As we were driving back to D . J . 's house we passed a DQ Grill and Chill . Every time we passed this Joe kept telling me how good it was . So this time we stopped and went in to get burgers . ( We have Dairy Queen but no Grill and Chill . I have never heard of it before . ) We got burgers and Joe got a blizzard . There were only two other people in there - - a father and daughter . We started talking to them and he and Joe struck up quite a friendship . They exchanged phone numbers and even called each other tonight . This was a God moment for sure since he is a born again Christian and so is his daughter . We had such a good time talking with them . When we got back to the house D . J . and Danielle were waiting for us . They were worried because they didn 't know where we were ( we had been gone 3 hours ) and I had no phone so they couldn 't reach us . They thought we had gotten lost or something happened and we couldn 't even call 911 . It 's nice to know your kids care about you . We are back after a very long and very hard trip where everything seemed to go wrong . But God is good and saw us through it all . And there was a LOT of good that happened during our trip south . There is too much to tell in just one entry , so I will tell it in parts and hope you don 't mind reading a lot as you go along . And be prepared for picture overload . We got up early and headed for the Lehigh Valley International Airport in Allentown . By driving for two hours to Allentown we saved $ 600 each on our tickets as opposed to flying out of Philadelphia . The flight from Allentown back to Philadelphia was 16 minutes and we got on the exact plane we would have paid the extra money for . Fortunately we were able to sit together both flights because I was scared ! Since neither of us have flown since the 90s , we weren 't sure what to do or where to go . The ticket agent was so great . She showed Joe how to use the kiosk and got us boarding passes . She checked in our baggage and told us where security and the gate was . The TSA were great too . So nice and helpful . Of all the airports we were in this week , Allentown was by far our favorite . I got a water and Joe got a soda while we were waiting . We really wanted something to drink but carrying those bottles around and on the planes was a pain . We hadn 't eaten breakfast so Joe got a muffin and I got a bag of chips which I didn 't finish . I was pointing out to Joe that they were loading our bags . Everything was going up a conveyor belt into the belly of the plane . I had just said , " There 's mine . " I saw Joe 's bag behind mine . They all went in easily except for his which go caught in the belt and fell to the ground . I started laughing and he took this picture . Here 's Joe in the plane just before take off . We were sitting in the last row of a very small turboprop plane . I was scared , but the takeoff was smooth and actually the best one of the four . Here is the plane we flew on . Tiny with propellers . There was a lot of turbulence when we were landing and I got sick . I felt as if I were on a roller coaster . We still hadn 't eaten except for that little bit , so we stopped to get some food . Joe had a bagel . I told him with his hat he looked like a little Jewish man . He liked that ! We took off from Philly . This time in a jet . It was a much smoother ride . I was hoping to see some of the country we were flying over , but it was very cloudy and stormy so we flew above the clouds where it 's always sunny . I thought it looked like heaven at first , but later decided it looked like a snow field . I was disappointed not to see the ground , but it was nice . D . J . was supposed to meet us at the airport but our cell phones didn 't work in the airport and we couldn 't find him . We went down to get our rental car . We just got in the car when my phone rang . I answered and it was him . He and his girlfriend , Danielle , and Danielle 's baby Brantley were in the airport and had been there an hour looking for us . I told him where we were and then both of our phones went out again . Joe went to find him and as he rang for the elevator the doors opened and there they were . All of them were surprised . I was sitting in the car waiting for them , but I would have loved to have been there to see their faces . D . J . drove the rental car back to his house . He insisted we stay with them and not get a hotel room . I think he wanted his dad close . So we stayed in Danielle 's oldest son 's room . He was with his dad . We had our own bathroom . We had to go to Walmart to get some things we hadn 't brought with us . Since we were flying we decided to buy things when we got there rather than be stopped when going through security . The Walmart there was huge and beautiful . Besides getting our toiletries we each got a St . Patrick 's Day t - shirt for $ 3 . I also got a gray and black purse for $ 8 . The only purse I had with me was a pink quilted one and I thought it would be better to have black or gray . I 've been looking for a new purse and this was was beautiful . The prices were so different than up north . We went back to D . J . 's and Danielle 's mom came over with dinner for us . She brought us salad , spaghetti and garlic bread . Everything was yummy . Her name is Sandra and she was so sweet and nice . People kept coming over and bringing food . That seems to be the thing they do there . We used to do that here in Philly , but I don 't know anyone who does that anymore . Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world .

blog ( n . ) Short for Web log , a blog is a Web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual . Typically updated daily , blogs often reflect the personality of the author . ( v . ) To author a Web log . Other forms : Blogger ( a person who blogs ) . It 's not quite midnight , but I 'm sure I 'll still be on here at that time , downloading Season 3 episodes of Prison Break . I am trying to get caught up to current when the series starts back up in Jan . Netflix recommended Prison Break to me based on the ratings I 've done on movies I 've watched . They hit the nail right on the head . I love it ! I loved it so much , I 've gotten my friends Emily and Jody watching it , and also my Mom ! If you start , you will be hooked . We watched the 1st episode of season 3 this afternoon with Jody and Emily , and I am now downloading the 2nd and 3rd episodes off of iTunes . Then , Emily tells me I can watch all of the rest of them for free on Fox . com . We invited Emily , Jody , Silas , Hattie and Luke over this morning for brunch , and then this evening we were invited over to my friend Sherry 's house for pizza and games . We had a good time . The weather here is very windy and cold . We had a little bit of snow today , but not too bad . Scott is going out to hunt pheasants in the morning , so it will be a cold one for him . We don 't have too much planned for tomorrow . Emma has been begging me for 2 days now to take her to a place where she can go ice dancing . She got a new Strawberry Shortcake " Let 's Dance " DVD for Christmas and Strawberry goes ice dancing . I noticed last night when I drove by the JayCee park that the lights were on at the outdoor skating rink , so maybe if it 's not too cold , we 'll do that tomorrow ? I don 't know if she 's going to want to have all of her hockey gear on or not ? I 'm sure she 's going to discover it 's not as easy as Strawberry Shortcake makes it look . Emma is quite a good skater at hockey , but figure skating is a little different I am told . However , if she is really interested in doing that instead of hockey , maybe we 'll do that ? I love watching figure skaters . I have heard though , that figure skating is just as expensive as hockey , so it won 't matter in that department . Anyway , maybe we 'll go out and try it tomorrow . I 'm hoping all of you have a safe New Year 's celebration anPosted by Last night after we got home and had started going through the mail , we found a birthday invitation for Emma . Her friend Maddie 's birthday party was scheduled for today . Emma wanted to go , so I called my friend Tonya to RSVP . We weren 't too late . Maddie 's party took place at the Hair Hospital and all of the little girls got mini manicures , mini pedicures , hair up - do and make - up . Emma was very excited to go , but wasn 't sure about it once we got there . She was a little reserved at first . She loved getting her toenails and fingernails painted . Her hair was adorable . I wish they would have put it up instead of leaving the curls down . They were cute though . When Emma 's hair was getting the final touches , a few tears fell . I 'm not sure what that was all about ? She either really liked her hair , or really hated it ? She didn 't cry at all , just 2 tears fell . Maybe it was the hairspray ? Anyway , she had a great time and I told Tonya that she was setting the stakes pretty high , as Emma has a birthday coming up in Feb . I 'm pretty sure we won 't be doing the " Spa Day " even though it was a lot of fun . I told Shane , Tonya 's husband , that I sure hoped Tonya would have a party like this and invite all of her friends to attend ! He didn 't think that sounded like too good of an idea . I think Emma enjoyed her day and I 'm hoping this doesn 't make her want to start styling and primping . She has been into dresses and tights and I would like to just leave it at that . I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to that stuff . In fact , I had to wear my stocking hat the entire time at the Hair Hospital because I think they would have had to do some CPR if they had seen it . : - ) Gage has had a pretty quiet day . He didn 't feel good at lunch time and didn 't eat his lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch . He had a low - grade temp at bedtime , so we 'll see how he feels tomorrow . I will be totally fine to stay in the house all day . I need to get my organization resolution started ! Finally , we made it back to Bismarck . It was a long trip and it is always nice to get home after a long day of driving . Everything was , I repeat WAS , intact when we arrived . After about 30 minutes of being home , Griz , our neurotic cat , knocked over Gage 's Christmas tree and about 6 ornaments broke . He was so heartbroken . They are all currently sitting on the counter , superglued and in some sort of clamping device . One of them was pretty much shattered and Gage is very upset because it is his one and only ornament from Grandma Pipi . He was crying and almost had me in tears . Actually , I would have been in tears if ebay wasn 't in the back of my mind . I logged on to look , and I found several of them , and will be ordering a new one . I was in the process of supergluing , and Scott finally started to help , and was getting frustrated so I decided to just come down to the computer and see if I can get a new one , and I have several options , so we 're good . Gage will be very glad to hear the news in the morning . Gage and Emma did pretty well traveling to and from Iowa , and I am happy about that . We did have a few little episodes on occasion , but it is definitely getting better . I had a couple of decks of cards handed down from our friend Juanita , to use for entertainment . The one I broke out was called " 52 FUN things to do in the car " . I picked about 3 different ones and they weren 't as " FUN " as I thought they would be . Emma isn 't old enough yet , I guess ? One of the games was for naming as many animals as you could that started with A , B , C . . . . and all the way through the alphabet , in order . Well , my faithful blog readers know that Emma has some difficulty with words that start with certain letters ( especially the letter " B " ) . Each time we would get to her turn , she would say something that started with another letter . I think mostly because it was a little difficult to think of the animals when you were actually on that particular letter . Anyway , we switched , and then we had difficulty with going in order and Gage couldn 't waPosted by Another day has passed and we 're nearing the end of our stay in Iowa . It always goes by so fast . Typically the kids and I could stand to stay a few more days . We have had a great time . Unfortunately I have come down with some type of cold or sinus problem . I had a terrible headache all day yesterday despite my attempts to get rid of it . I 've been sneezing like crazy and I have no idea where all of this snot is coming from ? I think today will be a better day ? Typically when we are back , someone gets something . I guess it was my lucky time . Gage has had some sneezing and congestion as well , but it 's not holding him back from playing with his cousins . Today I am doing our laundry and trying to organize all of our stuff to get packed into the van . I 'm hoping that we have alot more space than we did coming . I think we will . It looks like there may be some bad weather on our return trip , so it may be slow going ? Gage and Emma have had alot of fun playing with their cousins . It will be hard for them to return home to our house where they will have to play with each other . Although maybe the new piles of toys will keep them busy for awhile ? My number one New Year 's resolution is to get organized . I can 't wait to get started on that huge project . Merry Christmas to all of my blog readers ! Gage and Emma were very excited to see that Santa found them in Iowa . He left bicycles and lots of toys . Now the fun part . . . . . . . trying to keep all of the pieces from getting lost before we get back to North Dakota . I have to turn into the toy police to make sure that doesn 't happen . Before going to bed last night the kids got to open up a present from Scott and me . Every year ( for 4 years now ) it has been a tradition to get a new pair of pajamas on Christmas eve to wear to bed . I don 't think Gage or Emma has caught onto this yet . They started begging yesterday morning to open up their present for Christmas eve . I told them we had to wait until bed time . Later , I finally told them that it wasn 't going to be as much fun as they thought , because it wasn 't a toy . He seemed a bit disappointed , so I let the kids open their gifts to each other last night as well . They were very excited to get their Webkinz . I think we have enough Webkinz now to keep them plenty busy . ( Or keep myself busy ) . I enjoy them just as much as they do , when it comes to playing the games online and buying furniture to decorate their rooms ! I am always so surprised at how much room all of the gifts take when boxed and wrapped . The back of our van was completely loaded full when we left . So full , in fact , that Brie had to ride in front between the front and middle seats . Usually she has plenty of room in the back . Then it is so depressing to think about all of the money spent on all of these gifts and when putting them away after having opened them , they all fit into 2 sacks . I guess Brie will have a lot more room on the return trip to Bismarck ; however , assembled bicycles aren 't as easy to pack around as they are when they are in their boxes ! We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and good health . I am anxious to see what the new year has to offer . I did not think to bring my camera cords to be able to post pictures and videos on my blog , so those will have to wait until we get home . We made it to Iowa safely . We got up at 5 : 15 am yesterday and headed out of Bismarck at 6 : 15 . We hit some terrible road conditions just after we crossed into South Dakota . There was a tractor trailer in the ditch and then on the opposite side of the interstate , a pickup had rolled over and landed on it 's wheels . The roof of the truck was pretty smashed and there was an ambulance on the scene when we passed by . It didn 't last too long , thank goodness . Our next bout of icy roads came about 4 : 30pm as we exited off I - 80 . I am so thankful that we didn 't have that the entire trip . It was snowing with snow packed roads and very windy . Unfortunately it made the last 45 minutes take much longer than it should have . However , we made it safe and sound and that 's what matters . They certainly had a terrible ice storm a couple of weeks ago as my parents ' yard is just covered in tree limbs . It will not be fun cleaning that up . My family is doing great . Everyone is here . Last night there were more people than beds . The kids didn 't mind camping out on the floor though . Gage and Emma are thrilled to be here . It was funny yesterday evening when Emma camped out on Grandpa Alan 's lap and she layed her head down on his chest . I think that may have melted Grandpa 's heart ? Gage has been too busy playing with his cousins Colton and Seth to have time for snuggling . They had their first round of present opening this afternoon with the gift exchange amongst the kids and the adult grab bag . Gage and Emma both got Webkinz . Gage also got a pack of Webkinz trading cards and there was a bonus card in there for a free Webkinz online pet . That pretty much ticked Emma off , and pretty much ruined my planning to keep them even . I knew if one ended up with more than the other , it wasn 't going to be good news . I guess she 'll have to wait until her birthday , which is coming up next . The buckets of goodies have gone over very well . They loved the buckeye balls Emily ! It makes all the time and effort it took worth while . Although I 'm sure I 've already gainePosted by I think I am finally ready for Christmas ? I 'm hoping I bought the last of the gifts tonight . However , as I just typed that , I thought of one I forgot . UGH ! My last day of work was this morning , and the kids are both in school tomorrow morning , so I am going to use that 3 hours of no kids to hopefully finish things up ! ! I 'm not sure how I 'm going to get it all squeezed into the van ? Tonight I had an appointment for a MUCH needed haircut . I made the appointment a week ago , or maybe even longer ? Typically when I finally call to get the appointment , I 'm needing it desperately and want it for the same day . It was for 6pm tonight because she was booked up until that time . I was anxious to go because for one , I had my stocking cap on all day long to cover up my bad hair , for two I just wanted to get out by myself . This was a new place that I hadn 't been to before ( I have taken Emma there ) , but I know the people who run it . My appointment was to get a cut and highlights , which I have probably done 2 other times in my life . I went in , was greeted by the receptionist and I sat down in a chair to wait my turn . After I sat there for about 10 to 15 minutes , the lady came up to me and asked , " Do you have an appointment here ? " I said , " Yeah . " I wanted to say , " Well , what other reason would I come in here and sit for 15 minutes ? " Then she asked who it was with and what was it for . Since it was apparent they weren 't expecting me , I said I only needed a haircut . I would have normally just apologized and said I must have written it down wrong and went home , but my hair was in such bad shape , I really needed it cut . I had to wait another 10 minutes for the gal to be freed up . I feel 10 lbs lighter now , so I guess it was worth the wait ? Before I left , Emma was begging to go with me . I think because she just wanted to go into the beauty shop ? I told her I was going to get highlights and it would take too long . Gage and Emma wanted to know what highlights were . I had to explain it to them , and told them maybe I 'd just have it colored rePosted by Emma 's lip looks horrible ! This is what happened to it yesterday after she started chewing on it while it was numb after seeing the dentist . She says it doesn 't really hurt , but it looks painful to me . I had an appointment today at the orthodontist and I had the doctor look at Emma 's lip . He couldn 't believe how awful it looked . They took a picture of it to email to my other doctor and they were going to let me know if I needed to take her in to have it looked at or not . I never did hear back , so I 'm hoping that 's because it 's nothing to worry about . I took Gage to hockey practice tonight and had Emma with me since Scott was out bowling ( for work ) . My friend , who is an ER doctor , looked at it and called in a prescription for her lip . He thinks it should be cleared right up in about 3 days . I sure hope so . I feel so awful for her . And I also feel like I 'm a neglectful parent because the dentist told her AND me , to make sure she doesn 't chew on her lip . I didn 't even know she was doing it and I was with her all afternoon ! Anyway , we 're working on taking care of it , so I feel a little better about it now . Tomorrow 's my last day at work ! I 've got TONS of things to do to get ready to travel to Iowa for Christmas . Hopefully I can get it all done and not forget anything ! Wish me luck ! As my faithful blog readers know , a few months ago we learned Emma had a cavity . Today was the day for her appointment for having it fixed . Poor Emma . She was absolutely TERRIFIED . She did not want to go . I told her she had to and had no choice . We got to the dentist 's office and she wasn 't going to get out of the car . We finally made it into the office and she stuck to me like glue . She did finally get down from my lap to play with the toys just prior to them calling her name . We walked through the front area where all of the kids were getting their teeth cleaned , and got back to the hall that led to the treatment room . Emma decided she didn 't want to go any farther . I had to pick her up and carry her into the room . I seriously could have let go of her and she wouldn 't have fell , she was holding on that tight . I did finally get her in the chair , after the hygienist told Emma that if she didn 't relax and calm down , she was going to send me out to the waiting area . That made ME nervous because I didn 't want to leave her . I have never seen her act so scared . Our problem , I believe , started with the book The Barenstein Bears Visit the Dentist . Apparently Brother Bear was afraid to go to the dentist because he didn 't want to get a shot . Emma told me 2 times before we even left the house to be sure and ask them if they were going to give her a shot . The hygienist was great . She has worked there for 17 years , so she knows what she is doing . She told Emma they don 't like that word shot around there , and even spelled it a couple of times , like it was a dirty word . She said they use " sleepy water " , and she wouldn 't feel any pain . They put the space gear on ( the gas mask ) and it took her quite awhile to feel like she was " floating in the clouds " . She was so scared she wasn 't really breathing normally through her nose like she needed to be and she had " Lake Louise forming in her ear " ( her ear was full of tears ) . I sat right on the foot of the chair with her and she didn 't let go of my hands the whole time , but I did feel thPosted by I am dead dog tired tonight . I got up at 5 : 30 this morning to do some work before the kids got up , and then Emily and I played Betty Crocker all day . We started about 9 am and ended about 7pm ! We got a lot of stuff baked / made . I have one more thing I want to do , and then I am done with Christmas goodies ! I hope my family is very hungry for sweets when we 're back in Iowa ! ! ! Emma had a great time playing with Silas , Hattie and Luke . They have 2 new guinea pigs and she wasn 't quite so sure about " Polar bear " , who is an albino . She didn 't like his red eyes . He said that he looked evil . She talked all the way home about how sweet they were and how gentle they were . She said , " Mom , I want a guinea pig . " I told her that they would make a great snack for Brie , and the cats . She decided we didn 't need one . Gage joined the group after school and also had a great time . We 're all exhausted ! Thanks for the entertainment today Emily ! After I picked Gage up from school we stopped at home to pick up a couple of things . When I came in the back door , I noticed the pantry door was open , and inside the pantry , the dog food door was open . Brie had a great day chowing down on dog food . I wish she was smart enough to figure out that every time that happens , it gets followed by peroxide and bad things happen on a full stomach with bubbling peroxide mixed in ! If we don 't induce vomiting after she gorges herself , then she will have MAJOR diarrhea . And , let me tell you , puke is way more pleasant ! Scott gave her the peroxide after he got off of work and cleaned the mess up in the backyard ( this entry isn 't for people with weak stomachs ! ) otherwise she 'll go out there and snarf it all back down . Scott then came to get Gage at Emily 's and took him to his Cub Scout pack meeting which was swimming in Mandan . I came home to a great surprise all over the living room floor . NICE ! ( Anyone looking for a dog to give as a Christmas present , I 've got one I 'll donate real cheap ! ) I 'm starting to cross things off my list of things I need to do before our trPosted by The kids are on the countdown for Christmas ! Only 9 more days ! I am on the countdown for the end of my job . Only 4 more days ! I 'm probably not going to know what to do with myself . Yeah , right . Typically my New Year 's resolution is to not make a New Year 's resolution . This year I am making one to spend quality time with the kids and get this house organized ! Yesterday we went to see Santa at the zoo . Emma was sure to give Santa her list of things she wants . We then walked around the zoo a bit . Today we ended up going to 2 church services . Between services anyone wishing to participate was allowed to join in the singing of Christmas carols in the chapel . I really enjoyed it even though I 'm not a good singer . Typically we go to the 9am service , but they had special music being played at the 11am service so we went to that and I had every intention of leaving during the middle of the service ; however , we were blocked into the pew on both sides in the balcony . The kids were not behaving very well the second time around . There was a special violin / piano piece that was played , and then The University of Mary 's brass group played . The kids enjoyed that ; however , it was the last thing before the service was over , so we would have had to stayed for the whole thing anyway . I guess it was a good note to end on , because I was totally prepared to start taking Christmas presents away when we got home . Even without warning them , they behaved on the ride home , and during lunch I told them I had every intention of starting to eliminate presents out from under the tree . There are only 4 for each of them under the tree , so it wouldn 't take long at all for those to go away . We 'll see how long it takes them to forget they need to be behaving . Scott is out hunting pheasants today ( which is why he didn 't appear in the above " family " photo ) . I set the camera timer to take our picture . I wanted one of us in our Christmas attire before church , and since we won 't be here next Sunday , I figured I better do it today , even if Scott was gone . Posted by Today I was a little disturbed . Gage and I went out shopping to get a Christmas gift for Emma from Gage . We had a nice time . We went to Walmart after we got her gift because he said he would like to look around a little bit . While we were there , we picked up a few things , saw Juanita and Kim , and then went to check out after we got the items we needed for Gage 's Christmas party at school . While we were checking out , I heard over the intercom there was a Code Adam . I told Gage that meant a little kid was lost in the store . From what I know , I thought that the doors were shut down and no one could come in , and no one could go out until the child was found . Nobody reacted at all . I looked at the cashier and asked if they were supposed to lock the doors with a Code Adam . She looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about . There were still people coming and and going out of the store . Then , some man came into my checkout lane and heard what I was talking about and said that Code Adam just meant there was a kid still in the store but lost , and an Amber Alert meant they would close all of the doors down . I told him I didn 't think so . I thought Code Adam was to shut all of the doors until the child was found , and Amber Alert was a statewide thing . He didn 't think so . I just wanted to say , " WHATEVER ! " I 'm pretty sure I 'm right . Does anyone else know the procedure ? The reason I was a little disturbed is because I 'm comforted by the " CODE ADAM " sign when I go into stores . I have always thought if I lose Emma ( which I have on a few occasions , for maybe 1 - 2 minutes ) that is my saving grace ? Now , I don 't know if a person should be comforted by that , since not a single person at the Walmart seemed to care . The little old lady at the doors handing out Walmart stickers to the kids didn 't react either . But , I 'm sure she didn 't hear it because of the VERY LOUD fans that are blowing in the entry way . People were just oblivious to the whole situation . Instead , I 'm feeling a little panicked because I know that parent was frPosted by I had some cute videos to post and I lost them . I uninstalled the software from the computer because it didn 't seem to be playing right not realizing that I had somehow deleted them off of my camera . I 'm so sad about that . I did manage to save three pictures I took , so I guess I 'll have to share those instead . Emma 's class went to the nursing home today to sing Christmas songs to the Grandpas and Grandmas and she sang so nice and loud and did a great job . Sorry I can 't share . Posted by This morning when Scott went to wake Emma up , he asked her what she wanted for breakfast . She asked what there was to have . Scott gave her some choices . Emma answers , " I 'll take whatever takes the longest to make so I can sleep a little longer . " LOL ! She 's one smart cookie ! ! Today was my second day this month of delivering Meals on Wheels . I wish I could say there were no problems . However , I can 't . Scott decided that today would be the best day to take the van in to have it serviced before we head back to Iowa for Christmas . I told him I needed it to deliver meals , and he said it would be done in plenty of time . I wasn 't quite as confident . At 10 I decided to call him and have him check to see if it was done . Nope . Just as I figured . So , Emily , et al , came to the rescue . She loaded up her three little ones , came to get Emma and I and we delivered the meals together . Let me tell you , that sure makes it go A LOT faster ! I couldn 't believe how quickly we were getting it done ( but compared to last week , I think delivering them on foot might have been faster ? ) . We were done at 12 : 45 , as compared to 1 : 20 last week . The little old lady that was grouchy last week was nice this week , so I felt good about that . I made lunches for the kids so there wouldn 't be any dying noises coming from the back . They all ate very well . I think that 's the way to go , strap them in their carseats and they have nothing else to do but eat ! : - ) This morning , since Scott took the van to be serviced , I had to walk Gage to school . It was UGLY out there ! By the time I got home my eyebrows hurt ! No kidding ! I felt so bad when we got to school because no one was allowed to go inside until the bell rang . There is a mean old lady that stands at the doors shooing everyone back outside when they try to come in . Since I was with Gage , and I needed to talk to the secretary in the office , she left us alone . On our way back outside , this girl , I 'm guessing a 5th grader , came in and was going to go down to the lunchroom for breakfast and the lady wouldn 't letPosted by Today was then end of Emma 's fall / winter session of hockey . They ended the session with a pizza party / potluck . Yesterday Emma 's coach , Margaret , told Scott that she is doing great , and commented on how good her form was . I recall last year Margaret saying that Emma has a lot of natural talent and shows great potential . Today she told me that she thought Emma was going to cause me a lot of problems when she becomes a teenager because all of the boys are going to be after her . Maybe her little red - haired attitude will be a blessing when that time comes and she won 't like the boys , or maybe they won 't like her ? One can only hope . I suppose I may not even have to worry about it , because her friend Silas ( Emily 's son ) says he 's going to marry her ( so that he can be with Gage ! ) : - ) Slowly but surely , I 'm getting some things done . I 'm getting closer to being done with my Christmas shopping . Scott 's always the last person I have left . He 's very hard to buy for because typically when there 's something he wants , he just goes out and buys it . That makes it very hard for me to think of things to get him . Emily and I are going to get together again next week to try and finish up Christmas cookie baking . It seems that the first batch is nearly gone , which is why I don 't always get it done too soon , because it gets eaten too quickly . I always make a huge selection of Christmas cookies to take to Iowa to my parents . I know they like having the goodies around when we 're all home for Christmas . I 'm afraid Mom might burn the house down if she tried doing it ! ( Just teasing Mom ! ) I like trying something new each year to try out on all of them . A few years ago I found a recipe for Santa 's Surprises and they are to die for ! It 's basically a peanut butter cookie wrapped around a miniature Snickers candy bar , then with Dove milk chocolate drizzled over the top with powdered sugar sprinkled over the top . Mmmm Mmmmm ! I have waited on making those because I know I would eat them all if I had them done now . This year I have a new recipe from my friend Tonya . I don 't know what it 's called , but it certainly is yummy . It 's a type of Chex Mix that is mixed with melted white chocolate chips . I 'm sure everyone will love it . I 'm nearing completion of our Christmas letter . It seems that many weren 't going to be satisfied with my Elf yourself message . So I decided I best get to work and get a Christmas letter out . However , I 'm sure most of it will be " old news " to my faithful blog readers ! Maybe I can think of something I haven 't blogged about to write ? I doubt it though . My brain is pretty much overloaded , so anything extra is probably out of the question . Well , I certainly paid the price today for not getting the kids to bed early enough last night due to Emma 's ballet recital . Thank goodness the day is over and hopefully they got to bed early enough for a better day tomorrow . I 'm not certain what time they actually got to sleep as we had to have a babysitter tonight while Scott and I attended an open forum meeting at Corpus Christi church in regards to having Northridge Kindergarteners or 6th graders moving off campus to relieve some space issues for the next 2 years while they build a new elementary school in Bismarck . I don 't know how it 's going to turn out , but if you go by the pros and cons they have listed for either grade attending school at Corpus Christi , I would say the 6th graders will be going . There were alot of passionate people there voicing their opinions . I 'm fine either way . I know Emma will get a great Kindergarten education regardless of where she ends up . It 's also pretty certain I believe that it will be all day , every day Kindergarten . So , this will be Emma 's last year of being home part - time . I have not yet heard anything regarding my two weeks ' notice , in case you were curious . Emma had her 1 min and 17 seconds of fame tonight . She did great at her recital dancing to Here Comes Suzie Snowflake . She said she was a little nervous , but you couldn 't even tell . We were busy enough today that I hadn 't even thought of dolling her up with makeup or curling her hair ! ( I wouldn 't have been able to doll her up in makeup anyway , because I don 't have any ! ) . It was warm enough in the church that she ended up not even needing any makeup as her cheeks were already rosy ! Our good friends Dave and Maggie , and Juanita and Kim were there to serve as family . They did a wonderful job ! Emma really enjoyed having them there to watch . After the program , which was 1 1 / 2 hours by the way , they served goodies which were brought by all of the parents . They had it set up in " potluck " style . I think I need to go over proper etiquette when going through a line like that . I was standing off to the side talking with Maggie while Emma was in the line . I wasn 't really paying too close attention , and when she turned around she had a napkin with 7 different things on it and she couldn 't carry it all . She was about to drop them all and ended up catching them all with her shirt . I was a little embarrassed to say the least . She certainly isn 't shy when it comes to sugar ! Gage for some reason had a hard time enjoying the recital . He didn 't like it that they didn 't talk while acting out the play of The Little Matchstick Girl . He had to keep asking questions of which I didn 't know the answers . He was also hot and dying of thirst throughout the program . If he only realized how many things of his that Emma has to sit through , maybe he wouldn 't have complained so much . I tried to tell him about that , but he was sure to point out that she gets to run around and have fun and play . We finally got our Christmas tree ( s ) today . We were discussing what we were going to do after lunch , and I sent Scott to Target to get the tree . We decided we weren 't going to spend $ 300 on a tree right now , since we don 't really have it to spend in the first Stacy I thought I 'd get another video uploaded for you all to enjoy . Gage is playing hockey and is green # 5 . He does a great job skating and gets a great workout at practice and games . I love to see his hair dripping with sweat when he 's done . However , when you get 100 's of boys , adolescents and adults sweating in the same place , it 's not so great . It just reaks of body odor when you walk into the VFW hockey arena . I can 't stand the smell . The hockey bags are just as bad when that sweaty gear sits there , I 'm sure growing all sorts of bacteria . The other day I started wondering about Gage 's mouthpiece . It sits in the hockey bag , attached to his helmet with all of that other stinky sweaty gear . I wonder if that could cause him to get sick ? Gage hasn 't really been sick yet , so I guess not ? Well , we did NOT get a Christmas tree today . We found a couple that I like , but they are in the $ 300 range ! I have a hard time making decisions like that . I found one at Target that I really like that 's $ 299 . There 's one at Lowe 's that I really like and is $ 300 . There 's one at Hobby Lobby that I sort of like , that is normally $ 250 , on sale for $ 179 . I 'm not sure if I should spend half of the amount to get a tree that I sort of like , or bite the bullet and spend the $ 300 on one that I really like . From past experience , I 'm usually upset with myself for not getting what I really want . Scott wants a real tree . I like real trees too , but we have waited too long and I don 't want to spend $ 80 for a real tree that we will get to enjoy for 2 weeks . We will be going to Iowa for Christmas , and a rule of mine is that the tree has to be down before we go . One reason is because it scares me having a dry tree begging for a flame in the house . I also have 2 cats that would have every needle knocked off the tree , and possibly have the tree knocked over and all of my ornaments broken . Anyway , the tree has to be down before we go if it 's real . If it 's artificial , it can stay up and we can take it down after we get back . So , with all of the activities andPosted by Today was certainly a better day than yesterday . It really couldn 't have been worse ! I wanted to share this video I took of Emma listening to my iPod . I have downloaded all of the kids ' Christmas CD 's onto my iPod for the season . We now have an adaptor that we can listen to it in the car over the radio , so I 'm anxious for our next outing with Christmas tunes to listen to ! Emma would not be very happy if she knew I was putting this video on my blog . She wanted me to delete it off of the camera , and I told her I did . Oops ! We have a busy weekend ahead . Our first and most important task is to get a Christmas tree , and get it up and decorated . I typically am not this late getting it done , but we have had a busy past few months . I also need to make a couple more types of Christmas goodies for Emma 's Giving Tree gift at church . I turned in my two weeks ' notice today for my transcription job . I decided I can 't do it all . I 'm not doing the things with the kids that I believe are important , and they are my first priority . I 'm not sure how my supervisor is going to react to the email , but I 'm sure I 'll find out soon enough . I don 't want to have any regrets about not spending time with my kids . This is Emma 's last year at home full time , and I want to enjoy it . I 'm sure she 'll be thrilled when I tell her . Today after lunch Emma and I volunteered at Gage 's school to help take down the book fair that was going on this week . Mrs . Schmidt was very happy to have our help . She put Emma right to work and was impressed with how well she did . ( I was too ! ) I wish she would help like that when I ask her to clean her room ! Anyway , she got to pick out a book for free , for helping . She picked out Pippi Goes on Board . ( She might be a bit disappointed when she finds out the book isn 't about Grandma Pippi ! ) Emma nicknamed my Mom Pippi after my Mom called her Pippi . Emma says , " I 'm not Pippi , you 're Pippi ! " It stuck . She has been Grandma Pippi for a couple of years now . I hope you enjoyed the video . This new camera wasn 't as easy getting the piPosted by All joking aside , I think I just had the most awful , stressful 2 hours of my life ? I thought you were supposed to feel " good " about doing volunteer work ? I 'm sure that 's typically the case . Unfortunately , that 's not the feeling I had today . Last night , as you may recall , I mentioned that Emma and I would be delivering Meals on Wheels today . I went onto mapquest and printed out all of the maps and directions I would need to deliver the meals on my route . We left plenty early to be sure to allow ample time for terrible road conditions , since it was snowing . I was too early for meal pick - up , so we circled the hospital a few times in hopes of getting a good parking spot when it was time to get the meals . Well , unfortunately , we didn 't get the good parking place , but I found one nonetheless . I parked and told Emma I would be right back . On my way in to the hospital , I saw a lady from church ( it 's our church delivering meals all this month ) come out with some coolers with # 3 on them . I thought that was a bit strange , because I was delivering route 3 . When I got inside the door , my coolers were not there . I quickly ran back outside to stop the gal and tell her she had my coolers . Well , she too , had route 3 . I saw her sheet , and it was identical to mine . I was a bit confused and told her I would go in to check . She said she would wait and see , and to let her know . So , I went in to find out what the problem was . Well , the ancient , shriveled man that was sitting at the desk , shouldn 't be sitting at that desk unless of course he wants to " help " people . I wandered through the hallways of the hospital until I found someone who I thought could help me . I stumbled upon an office of two RNs . I told them my problem and they looked up a number to call the man in charge . They had him on the phone and handed it off to me . I told the man who I was and what the problem was . He said he would call me right back . Before he hung up , I said , " Well , do you know this number ? " He replies " Yes " . I 'm assuming he must have caller id . Anyway , it wPosted by This morning a delivery man stopped by my house to deliver a package . I was in the basement working , and trying not to be disturbed , but I had to go see who it was . As I was peeking up the stairway and trying to see out the window to see who was standing at the front door , I could only see the top of a bald head . I wasn 't going to answer the door , but decided I better see who it was . Well , it was a nice surprise . Kodak mailed my camera back to me ! I hadn 't even gotten a call from them yet to know what was wrong with it . They fixed the broken piece and included a note saying the batteries I had in the camera were causing the problem with the flash and they recommended I use lithium batteries . Anyway , they did all of this for FREE ! I guess the little sob story note I wrote in the note about Emma breaking the camera worked ! ! ! I haven 't tried the camera out yet , as I haven 't had time today , but after I get some new batteries for it I 'll be so excited if it works ! I guess I shouldn 't have any excuses for not having pictures / videos since I have 2 cameras now ! : - ) I spent the afternoon at my friend Emily 's house . We were baking Christmas cookies . I had a lot of fun . It sure makes the task more fun when you do it with a friend . It didn 't seem so much like " work " that way . Plus , she was making some of her favorites too , so we could share . I have a few more kinds to make , and by the time I will need them , I 'm sure I 'll have to make more because we 'll have eaten them all . It will be fine for Sunday though , since I need an assortment for the giving tree gift at church . Whew ! After we ate supper with Emily , Jody , et al , we zoomed to hockey practice . ( By the way , thanks for feeding us Emily as we never would have made it to hockey practice otherwise ! ) It was very snowy and a little slick on the roads so I was trying to be extra cautious , even though we were running late . My kids never like to leave when they are having so much fun . Gage had an extra hard hockey practice . I was glad it was him and not me , as I think it would havePosted by I intended to make my blog entry today a little more exciting by taking my new camera to hockey and get some video of Emma skating . Well , I forgot to take the camera . Then , I decided I would take the camera with me on my way to school and take some video of Gage and Emma jumping off of the huge snowpiles in the Corpus Christi Church parking lot . I remembered to take the camera , but then I forgot to take the video . I think I have the same problem my Mom is having ! : - ) Anyway , I didn 't get any exciting videos taken today to spice up my blog . Sorry . Maybe I 'll remember tomorrow ? Or maybe not ? Gage said he was a celebrity today at school . Many people saw him on the news last night . Emma is a pain in the rump to take into the stores these days . I swear if I hear her say " Can I have this Mom ? " again , the threat I keep making to her that Santa is not going to come to her , is going to have to come true . Or at least I 'll make her sweat bullets for a few minutes . I remember my Mom doing that to my sister Jari Jo one year at Christmas and boy was she mad ! Do you remember that Jari ? I 'm sure that 's just something a kid never forgets . I 'll have to remember to ask Mom if it helped . Emma is headed in that direction that is for sure . We can 't go into any store that has Webkinz . It turns into a huge fight and she ends up stomping out of the store with her arms crossed tightly against her chest and her bottom lip stuck out ready for any bird to fly by and poop right on it ! We went to the grocery store after school to pick up the items we need to start making some Christmas goodies . This is a little earlier than I would like , but because of the ornament Emma picked off of the giving tree at church for a family to get Homemade goodies , we need to have some done by Sunday , as that 's the last day to have the items delivered to the church . I don 't know how they do that , if they give the gifts to the people on Christmas or what ? If so , the cookies might get a little hard ? Some of them won 't be a problem , but a few of the others I make are Posted by What a way to start the day . First of all I wanted to get up at 5 : 30 this morning to work before the kids had to get up and get ready for school . ( Scott is out of town ) . After hitting the snooze 2 times , I shut the alarm off and decided I would just work after I took Emma to school . When that alarm went off at 7 : 00 am , I hit snooze again 2 more times . Finally , we get up , get breakfast , get ready for school . Last night I got all of Emma 's paperwork ready because they are having early Kindergarten registration at Northridge , Centennial and Murphy due to the overcrowded problem these 3 elementary schools are having . Anyway , I decided we would go first thing to register Emma so I can be sure to have her on the list , and at the top of the list in case they don 't do all day , every day Kindergarten , then I will have first choice for her to go mornings or afternoons . Apparently I was the first parent there to register ( or it appeared that way ) . When we walked into the room , the news camera was there waiting for their first victim . UGH ! I HATE cameras , especially ones that put you on television ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So , the kids and I were at the table filling out the papers . Gage engaged in small talk with the teacher 's assistant that was manning the registration table . I didn 't look up from my paper one time because I didn 't want to see if the camera was on me or not . Then , the camera man was right next to me zoomed onto my paper while I was filling in information . At one point someone asked Gage about his little sister coming to Kindergarten and he said something about her being a handful . I have no idea if that was being filmed , as I said , I didn 't take my eyes off the paper . After I was done , they asked if they could interview me . ( If I had known this was going to happen , I wouldn 't have hit the snooze multiple times this morning and I would have at least combed my hair and not worn my trusty old stocking hat . Although it was probably better that I had the stocking hat on , combed hair or not ! ) I didn 't want to interview and when thPosted by We 're sure getting the snow today ! It hasn 't stopped all day . I love the clean look snow gives . Let it snow , let it snow , let it snow . What is it about Dad 's and girls ? Do they not realize that girls need to have their hair combed ? I went to my Circle group this morning and met up with Scott and the kids at dance . I was so embarrassed . I asked Scott , " Did you comb Emma 's hair ? " " No . " It certainly looked that way . There could have been rats living in it , it was that bad . Then , Scott and Emma drove to Tuttle this afternoon to winterize the house . They met up with Gage and I at hockey . Emma comes waltzing in with tights on and a sweatshirt that has something spilled all down the front ( and still without having had her hair combed all day ) . Yes , amazingly enough she did have a coat on . It might be cute at 4 , but I don 't think it 's going to cut it in a couple of years . UGH ! She looked homeless . Poor Emma . At least she didn 't really care .

Published on Amazon ? If you have a book , e - book , or audiobook available on Amazon . com , we 'll promote it on WritingForums . org for free . Simply add your book to our Member Publications section . Add your book here or read the full announcement . The green light had been flashing for as long as he could remember , over 56 years , and then it wasn 't . The marking read Burial 352 . Captain Nelson tapped the plastic and frowned . He leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette . His orders were quietly delivered into the tiny black pearl attached to his collar . He retrieved a file from his desk . " Looks like 352 . " He held the paper up before him in the light and touched his cigarette to the edge . " You let us worry about it . " Across town the young man mumbled and pulled his vest tighter . He was in the back row . The corner of North and King was filled with blue uniforms , all gathering beneath tall slabs of glass , chrome , and concrete . Little pieces of neon were popping and shining in the windows . The low rumble and chatter of people bounced and echoed off the concrete . The sound dipped below metal fences and into alleys . More officers were arriving and finding their way into rows . A small group had retreated in the corner to sip coffee . " What 's with that guy ? " " He 's new , that 's what 's with him . " Private Philips puffed out his chest and then stretched his back . " There 's nothing more to say . I 'm just wondering what happened to his sense of pride , his charisma . I guess you either have it or you don 't . Do you know what I mean ? Read the fucking manual . If you don 't have charisma to give , how are you going to lend any to these people ? To these people that we 're rescuing ? " One of the other officers patted the metal stick at her side . " I 've got your charisma . All of it . Right here . " She pointed at her eyes and directed her fingers back at the others . " Watch . " She mouthed silently as the steam came out in a cloud and disappeared into the sky . She vanished somewhere in the back row . " Tough guy . " They laughed and drifted back into their conversation . An arch of yellow light came from across the street as an older man stepped outside to smoke . He leaned against the frame of his door to smoke and watch all of the business happen . The cigarette was spent and he stomped it out on the ground before returning to the staircase . His grandson was propped up against the window watching the action outside . He quietly tapped the window with his fingers . " Owen , " The old man crossed over to the kitchen . " They can 't hear you . " He heard the little boy making machine gun noises from his side of the room . " You watch too much television . Soldiers don 't have guns anymore . " " These aren 't those kind of soldiers . " He poured water into a silver container and ignited the gas below it . " They 're just trying to help people . " The noise became steadier on the street below . Captain Nelson showed up somewhere towards the front and made his way into the center . He clasped hands and smiled , patting people on the shoulder . His uniform was exactly the same , blue and minimal with the stick to his side . The only exception was a tiny star on his right shoulder . Someone found a table for him to stand on so he could address the rest of the people . " I 'm guessing they don 't do a lot of digging in East , only because of the smaller population . Let me tell you about your best friend here . " She reached out and thumped his chest plate with her fist . A warm , orange glow came from the seams and lit the small distance between them . " Standard ELG , 48 hours of juice . It just looks pretty up here on the surface , but it can save your life down below . " She bumped hers as well and the orange flooded the pavement . " I figured the stick would be a better friend . " He reached to the piece of metal at his side and his face glowed . " They 're not as hostile as you would think . They 're not nearly as hostile as the earlier ones , the ones who were recently locked down there after the flu . Even after five years , I 've heard stories about burials being popped open and people fighting to stay . They just thought they were going to get sick . They didn 't know it had passed and that inoculation was law . " She lifted her sleeve and ran her index finger over her forearm , over the dime - sized piece of scar tissue . " And so now it 's not about hostility , but we keep this at our side - " " I get it . " He looked at her . " 56 years of being down there . Who wouldn 't go crazy ? Who wouldn 't be just a little dangerous ? " There was a loud voice somewhere in front of them . The captain began to speak . " So , long story short , 352 has gone dark . As far as I know this only happened a few hours ago . Were going to make this sweet and simple , but we don 't know yet what this is regarding . We usually never do until we get down there . You know the drill . " He read from a piece of paper in his hand and flipped it over . " Of course , as you already know . 352 is a Burial within King District , so it falls at our feet . You already know this , but it 's standard procedure , and that 's how we do things . Because of the depth and certain minerals and their properties , your ELG might not work properly , which means your equipment might short out . Just a warning , probably won 't happen . Be on your toes . These people have been down there for five decades , and that 's a long time . They might be kind of spooky , but you know how that goes . This is what we do , and we do it well . " The rumble and chatter peaked as the crowd started to move down the street , and the child returned to the window one final time . He tapped furiously and waved goodbye between machine gun noises and particles of saliva . Marla trudged along and noted that the sky was trying its damndest to rain . A cold slab of silver and white was moving in from the west , blocking the moon and painting shadows on the city below . Somewhere at the edge of town they found a large opening in the ground . Marla could tell the machines had just left . The smell of sulfur hung in the air from the recent heat . There were tire marks and the distant clink of metal hidden in a grove of pines . She squinted to see beyond them but it was no use . The hovering clouds had made quick work of the moonlight . One of the officers a few rows back made a childish " bye - bye " noise and waved to the surface . They made their way through the cracked rock , lines of red clay , mud , and deeper through the spot where the heat had seared through the concrete and metal . Marla didn 't mind being underground . She thought for a moment and wondered if any the others felt the same way . Private Philips was trailing somewhere behind her , and she shouted over the dull thud of boots . " It 's kind of cozy under here . " " Maybe we should all try spending more time in this hole . " He responded and chuckled . Someone behind him replied with another giggle . " But maybe they had it right . Maybe they didn 't know why they were coming down here . Could have been only curiosity . That 's why we left the trees . Where would I be without curiosity ? " Perhaps if it were not for curiosity , they wouldn 't be there . Nobody would have built these shelters , and nobody would have made the shelters a home . And if that were the case , these people wouldn 't have the need for a rescue . She thought to herself that if it were not for curiosity , she would have stopped moving a long time ago . It was an interesting thing , but not something you would mention on duty . If they had better medical for these kinds of situations , she would have been reported for something like that . And not reported in a malicious way , she thought . It just seemed like people noticed words like that , abstractions . Her mind drifted and reeled with these things . And the walk . It seemed as if the walk , a downward slope and very taxing , had gone on for hours . But she was trained for that kind of thing . She was trained to endure . Marla kept pace with the captain . " What kind of situation are we looking at ? Do you know what to expect ? " She asked as they made their way deeper down into the slope . " These places are old , older than the flu . They go really deep underground . I 'm not even sure how long they 've been down here . They were built for the possibility of Russians shelling our cities during the 1980s . That never happened , but you knew that . Somebody found a good use for them much later on . And the engineering is old . If they 're still alive down there , the people are using oil and coal to power things . That 's why I was a little concerned with our equipment . We 're not going to find an easy power - source down there if things go to hell . Almost like a miniature energy crisis for the squad . It 's kind of unspeakable in this time . What do you think ? " Two things . " " I 'm listening . " He stared ahead as he listened and walked , squinting his eyes to see into the darkness down the slope . " Prep time for these things is usually two weeks at the least . We had a day 's notice on this one . And the second thing is there 's no manifest . " " The manifest cannot be accounted for , and I have no answer for that . We 're both in the dark on this one . " He stopped for a moment . " Like I said , this place is much bigger than you think . Just don 't get lost when you 're down there . Remember to report . Why am I telling you this ? " They both laughed and continued to walk . Marla thought of the vast space beneath that held so many people . It made her dizzy to think about , but she shook it off and kept walking . " We 're in a different time now , and you know this . It 's just that - human rights are a top priority , and how that came about is irrelevant . It just matters that we 're here now , and most of us can behave in a humane way . We don 't have to treat each other like garbage . " " I 'm not trying to be vague or difficult . I 'm sorry . I 'm being abstract about things that you probably already know . I 'm talking about Burials being Burials for other people , people that wound up on the wrong end of threat assessments . Maybe threat assessments that would have happened right around the time of the flu . Isn 't that convenient ? " " It 's a case of classic misdirection . We did it to the Japanese , and we did the same thing to Muslims . And then we ended up doing the same to the precogs and TKs . " She shook her head . " I always figured it was something like that , but I could never put my finger on it . We really did a number on those guys . " Things were different by the time she had the ability to remember . The world was moving ahead . Most of those hate crimes were rare , but they still occasionally happened . She didn 't realize until that moment that she never had an opinion on them . They were just another group of people for her . They were a group of people that garnered a bit more sympathy in her mind , if only because of what most of them had been through in the past . " Your generation holds no responsibility for that . We 're the ones that ostracized those people and drove them to dark places . " He was looking at the ground as he walked . " We put them down there in the Burials with the regular civilians . It was a very subtle thing , but it was definitely noted on the manifest with number coding . PCX for the precogs , and TKX for the TKs . " " At least one , but I have no idea of knowing for sure . As I said , the manifest was misplaced , or lost . I 'm not sure . I just wanted you to be aware of the situation . " " They were not hostile . I don 't think there were any legitimate claims of violence . Of course the media cooked up certain stories to put these people where they wanted to be , which was a few miles underground . " " Sometimes you don 't even hate people because they 're different . You 're just genuinely afraid and you need to make that fear go away . You 're concerned with you and what 's yours . Everything else is secondary . Does that make sense ? " The captain was rarely this open and she felt it would be criminal to take advantage of this moment . " Aye . " She simply agreed and moved on with the conversation . " You want me to keep an eye out for the manifest ? " " Aye . " And suddenly the ground leveled out and the hole opened up into a wide space . They kept walking for a moment and heard the clink of metal against boot beneath them . " We 're looking for a hatch , " Nelson halted and searched the ground . " Some kind of door . Just keep your eyes open and watch your step . They thumbed around the walls and the floor with their boots and their hands . It was much darker and their lighting equipment seemed to fade a bit . Marla thought of the dark , and only the dark . She took in a deep breath for courage . Her foot trip over a larger piece of metal and she bent down to examine it . " Here ! " She ran her fingers over the cold seams until she found a latch , and then she pulled . The hatch creaked and the hiss of air came from below . Her equipment dimmed considerably , and the same thing happened to the others when they joined her . The captain leaned over her shoulder and peered into the opening below . " I don 't think this stuff is going to do a damn bit of good down there . That 's the bad news . Good news is I don 't think oxygen is going to be a problem for a good while . Either way , somebody has to head down there and flip the power back on . Get me ? " " How about a whole bunch of somebody 's ? " A voice said in the back , raising his head above the captain 's shoulder and eyeing the black hole . " No , " The captain replied without looking . " There are 35 of us , and if we all go stomping down there at once we are going to scare the shit out of these people . They probably don 't even think we are alive , you know ? They think , probably , that the flu got the best of us all . That brings me to my second point . If one of them was sealed in down there with a germ , and it 's managed to last that long , we will know immediately . And we can fix that immediately , but it 's going to be tougher if there are 35 of us heading back up to medical . Clear ? " There was laughter from the back . " Then I guess we can proceed as normal . You 're all such gentlemen . Marla , since you 're the bravest one here - " " Not this time , Marla . 352 has a special regulation since it was built close to a gas main . " He yelled so the back could hear . " Nobody is smoking in there , and just to be extra careful , nobody is smoking out here . You know how much that kills me , because you know how I love my smokes . " She looked at the hole sideways before leaning down to crawl in . The captain held her hand and lowered her gently until she touched the ground . There was another considerable drop in her equipment output . " I can 't see shit down here . " " You want me to hold your hand ? " A deep voice came from up above the whole , and she calculated that it was probably Reider . " I 'll pull your ass down in here with me , and I 'll leave you . " Her voice echoed and barely came out of the hole , but everyone laughed . There was only a low glow from her equipment , but she had a sense for the angle of the tunnel , and she began to walk . Flip the switch , and this place becomes a bit friendlier , she thought . But where is the damned switch ? The captain shouted something , " Just follow the conduit lines and you 'll find the breakers and the switches . " Easier said than done . The glow had dropped as the angle became steeper , and now it was almost back . The light from the hole in the distance looked so warm and inviting , almost humming for her to come back . She got lower to the ground for the sake of balance and used her hands against the wall . She had the conduit line in her right hand , she was certain of that . The standard measurement isn 't more than a few hundred yards , but she remembered from training how those things twisted and turned , especially the older ones . Don 't know what the purpose of that structure was . The light was now gone as she rounded a corner and she made a large mental note in her head , written in sloppy red marker , " DO NOT LET GO OF THE CONDUIT LINE . " She said it aloud to herself once to make it stick . " How the hell else would you find your way - " The ground sloped and dropped before she could get a better grasp , and Marla went tumbling through the dark . It was only a change in the angle , and she reached out for the conduit line again . It was dead and cold , which was probably a bad sign , she thought to herself . The situation reminded her of games she would play when she was a kid . Stumbling through the woods with her cousins and her friends , playing hide - and - seek in the middle of the night . She continued to crawl along and follow the twists and turns of the conduit line . Down the hall and to the right as the tunnel turned . This is total darkness , she thought . She waved her left hand in front of her face and there was nothing . It almost seemed as if she couldn 't even sense it . And the other thoughts from before came storming back into her mind , accompanied by the darkness . Is this the final consequence to curiosity ? Deathless death ? How would it feel to die , but to be completely aware of one 's death ? Without sight , how could a person really know anything ? " Quiet ! " She said to herself . That seemed to do the trick . She was coming into a larger room now . She could tell this by the sound of her boots echoing off the wall . Hopefully there was a switch or some kind of breaker just up ahead , but she wasn 't holding her breath for anything . Her hand stopped at something that felt very much like a handle . It was flat and metal , protruding out of the wall , and there was a rubbery tip at the end with grooves for a hand to fit . She hurried forward and braced herself in front of it with both hands to pull . It wouldn 't budge . " Maybe I 'm pushing the wrong way . " She said to herself . Her voiced vibrated and bounced around the room , like she was an empty swimming pool . She tried a different direction . No luck . She attempted to stand and push down , but there was no change . " Okay . " Those last words were for her own sake , for encouragement . She reached out again and pushed all her weight on the handle , even though she wasn 't very heavy . Suddenly , the handle bent and snapped . Marla went backwards and down on the floor . She was on her back with her eyes closed for a moment , and realized that it made no difference , open or closed . " We 'll just roll back over and find the conduit line again . Not a problem . " She tried to calm herself by whistling , and quickly realized that she was a terrible whistler . She pulled herself to her feet and sat crouched in the dark for a brief moment . " Forward . " She spoke quietly this time , trying to avoid the betrayal of an echo . She thought it could mess with her sense of direction . She put her left foot forward very slowly , and then her right hand down . She would crawl to find the conduit line again . She would continue to crawl until she found light again , just to be sure . " Just to be safe . " She spoke again . " Just to be sure . Slow and steady paves the way for - " She was tumbling and falling again , and this time she was sure it was not just the slope of the tunnel . She felt her hand smack against a series of steps as she rolled down . The more she tried to steady herself , the more violent things seemed to get . Finally she bumped her head and that was the last thing Marla remembered for a very long time . And the darkness for her then became to swim , and it grew impossibly black . She was propped up against the wall when she woke up sometime later . In the dark the sound seemed to be so much clearer , and she felt her other senses trying desperately for her lack of sight . There was the sound of dripping water somewhere off in the distance , and from it she could tell that this room was significantly larger than where she was before . Had she blacked out and crawled some distance ? Her sense of smell had picked up somewhat too . There was something stale in the air , something very old . Every horrible thing she had ever read told her corpses surrounded her . Any minute now she would strike a match to see the terror . She turned her head to the side . Something else . There was the faint flowing and scraping off air through a vent on the far side of the room . She held her breath to hear more clearly . There was another vent was beside her as well - Marla was screaming at the sudden sound of another voice , so very close . " Which is why I left you alone for so long . You weren 't coughing or nothing and your breathing was normal - " " Your shoulder is pretty bruised up after that fall , at least I would imagine so . " The voice belonged to an older woman , and her drawl came out quietly . " Like I said , I had to be sure - " " I think I 'm okay . It doesn 't feel broken or anything , and I don 't believe it was much of a fall . How did you find me ? Did you hear me ? " " Oh , then it 's been out for longer than I realized . Why don 't you flip the breaker ? That 's what I was trying to do when I had the fall . It 's just a matter of finding that switch . Since I don 't know my way around this place , you could probably help me . " " A couple of years ? " She made a face in the dark and then remembered that her expression was completely useless . " You 've been in the dark that long ? " " The dark . It 's not so bad . I 've still got running water and food . It 's easier to eat that packaged stuff when you can 't see . That 's how the pirates did it a long time ago . They eat their biscuits in the dark so they wouldn 't see the bugs and the maggots crawling through their food . " Silence . " Sorry . It has been a little while since I spoke to another person . It 's not that bad down here . I mean , I 'm not eating bugs . 15 years is a long time , but not long enough to eat bugs . " " Ah , Jesus . " Marla thought . She has no idea how long she 's been down there . Her mind rocked back into procedural mode for a second , tracing the bits of some manual she had read in training . Time management and stress relief : Notification to Burials about duration of time . The safe assumption is to always divide the number of years in half . " I 'm sorry , but it 's been a bit longer than that . " She braced herself against the wall . " You see , the year in which you were buried - " " I found your inoculation scar . That 's how I knew you were definitely okay . You know I had one too , even though I ended up down here . I just wanted to be sure . It doesn 't hurt to be sure . " Marla began wondering what the woman looked like . She tried her best to peer through the dark , just to get the idea of some facial features . The woman must have sensed her thought through the silence . " It 's a good thing to wonder what I look like , because I sure as hell don 't know anymore . " Marla heard the woman scratch her own face . " So you 've been okay all this time ? You 're alone ? " " I get along just fine . The water still runs and I still have food and supplies . So that means staying cleaning and brushing my teeth . Two of my favorite things . " She laughed but nothing came from Marla . " Sorry again . You 're probably not in the mood for jokes . That 's understandable . I wasn 't really in the mood for humor when the lights went out , but it would have done me a great deal of good , to laugh . If I just to have a moment to rest and catch my breath . " Marla was a little surprised to be told what to do , with this stranger in the dark . But she didn 't see many other options . " How about you tell me your name first ? " " That 's a beautiful name . I had an aunt named Marla a very long time ago , and I didn 't see her after we came down here . She stayed up top and most of my family scattered . I always remembered her name though . It had a beautiful sound to it . Just a compliment . Sorry to ramble . It 's been a long time . " " Thank you , Dana . " Marla said . She didn 't bother to smile . She was very tired at this point . " Do you mind if we get moving ? Maybe you could show me where everyone else is hiding , if you know they wouldn 't mind . " " We will take it slow and easy then . You can grab my hand and I 'll show you what you want to see . " Dana reached in the corner and produced a thermos . Marla could hear the water sloshing and Dana head it up to her mouth . " It 's clean , I promise . Quite possibly cleaner than the stuff you 've got on the surface . And speaking of that , I 've got to ask how many perished in the flu ? We never had a count down here . We never had any . " Marla drank cool water slowly and rested the thermos on the floor . Her mind drifted to lying and the military manual answer again , but she thought the woman would find out soon enough anyway . Half is what the manual would provide for an answer , and the same thing came out of Marla 's mouth . " I 'm sorry for being so blunt , but it 's just easier for both of us that way . At the time of your Burial , the world 's population had peaked at around 9 billion . Does that sound right ? " " Right . " Marla said . " So , half . 4 . 5 billion people . " There was a silence after that . " I 'm sure that 's very tough to hear , and I 'm sorry . It 's just that we don 't try to sugar these things up anymore . Flu was serious , it 's still serious , and inoculation is law now . " " Dana , I 'm not concerned . You wouldn 't have survived down here this long if you weren 't inoculated . I believe you . However , I don 't think that it 's such a wonderful thing for you to be down here in the dark . I don 't think that 's a wonderful thing for anybody . So how about you show me where everyone else is and we 'll both leave together . Deal ? " Dana nodded in the dark , and then remembered that nobody could see a thing . She made a grunting noise , as she often did when she was alone in the dark , just to remind her that she was still there . She wondered if Marla had started to do the same . She pulled the girl to her feet and heard the clinking of metal beside the girl 's hip . " Well , that 's where we 're headed . I 'll show you what you want . Just hold my hand and you 'll be fine . I know my way around the dark pretty well , like a rat . " " Rats are quick in the dark . I 'm quick in the dark . I don 't really see a difference . " " You 're a person . " " I could be a rat . You don 't know . You haven 't seen me . I could be a giant snake and you would have no way of knowing . " Marla squeezed her hand . " But I 'm holding your hand . Snakes don 't have hands . " " Ah , " Dana felt funny . " I 'm sorry about that . You 're down here so long and your sense of humor gets kind of twisted . " " What you want to see is on the lower levels . " Dana shifted the conversation . " I 've got two questions for you . " She was leading Marla around a corner and the girl could feel the wind shift with more vents in a smaller room . " I guess we 've got plenty of time for questions . " Marla said . " Why do you want to know ? " Marla tried looking around her again as she sensed another turn . It was useless but her eyes persisted . " I 'm 24 , so I guess I don 't know anything about the time you came from . " " I know , but I don 't see what my age has to do with anything . I 'm capable . " Dana moved a bit faster and Marla tried to keep the pace . " And this brings me to my second question , " She stopped walking and Marla bumped into her , a little bit dazed . " What 's with the walking stick ? " " Ah , " Marla looked around for a moment at absolutely nothing . " Dana , it 's not for you . Trust me . We just had some trouble with previous Burials . And by WE I don 't even mean me . It 's just in the past , and they 're standard issue . I 'm not cracking you over the head with this thing . " I 'm older than you think , and I was only 10 when I came down here with my father . He was a chemist and so he was a high priority , high on the lottery . I believe he was a good person if only because he let me be afraid . The other children were not really aware of why we were here , but I was . It felt like a secret that I had to keep , and I kept it well . He said I was strong enough to know the truth . Our neighbor had died right there in our living room , rather violently . That was the flu , and that was when my father 's decision was made . Even then , as we were riding down into the earth , I was aware of the manifest list , and the only thing I cared about was that there was another little girl on there . We were born in the same month ! How was that possible , I can remember thinking . She and her father were Korean - American . I asked my father where the country was located . And that was all I cared about , that she was 10 and maybe she was like me . There were bunches of numbers to the right of her name that I didn 't bother with . You 're very aware now that Burials were not just flu shelters . Some people didn 't have a choice . They were removed from the surface for the safety of others . If my father had seen the list , being a chemist , he would have understood . The two of them would not have lived next door . My father was a busy man and he only paid half attention to what I was saying , but he did see that her father was a doctor . He was high priority as well because of his training in inoculation , which was particularly tricky and painful at the time . This is especially true for newborn children , and that was his main reason for being down here with us . That was all the reason you needed if you didn 't read the manifest list , and most people didn 't . His daughter 's name was Doris . She was a very quiet girl , very small and calm . I didn 't think I was ever going to get a conversation out of her the first day we met , but I told her my father was a chemist . She was fascinated with chemistry . Something the way things mix , just like people mix , is what she told me . We would walk to class together and walk back home together . This place is bigger than you think . A few floors below us there 's a whole wing just for school . It hasn 't been used in a long time , but you know what I mean . It 's just impressive , what was built . All of this . And it was so bright ! We had a Thanksgiving holiday the week we all arrived down here . Dr . Hall and his wife had prepared it because they had been down here quite longer than we had , just preparing things . There was a small farm for a garden and some livestock that we kept . Most of us were vegetarians simply because of the situation , but we had meat for special holidays and birthdays . That 's how Doris and I became good friends . We shared her birthdays together because her father wasn 't fit to do so . He was always busy doing something , and if he wasn 't busy , he was drinking . I don 't believe he was a very happy man , and sometimes he blamed Doris for that . We were right next door and we could hear them yelling at each other sometimes , later at night when everyone was done with work . My father would cross the room to turn on music , just to drown out the sound . " A hundred bad dreams next door . " You hear me say his words , when you 're considering Doris and her father and all of their problems . Maybe you think my father was apathetic with that phrase . But it 's not true . If you had seen his eyes you would know that it 's not true . It was a way he reached out to me , to remind me that even though the rest of the world was dark , I was still his bright spot . It was her eleventh birthday and I wanted to give her something special . There were a few things I had brought from the surface down below , one of which was a bottle of disappearing ink . I just thought the chemistry would fascinate her . It 's extremely stupid , but I was a little girl . That 's my excuse . I don 't know if you have that anymore . You spill the ink on something important , like a paper or a dress , and people think the item is ruined . But the ink vanishes ! It 's great ! I wish I still had some . That was the only bottle . So I walked into Doris ' apartment and she was sitting on the rug in the living room . Her father would be gone for the entire day , and so it was okay to be there . Otherwise I wouldn 't be caught dead . I joined her on the rug , this immaculately woven thing with flowers running from the center to the frilled edges , and then back again to the center . It was beautiful . Even as a little girl I knew that it was special . I produced the bottle of ink from my pocket and pretended to have trouble with the lid . I was trying so hard not to smile , I remember . And the ink just fell out from the side , spilling over the edge , raining down on the carpet . Doris didn 't move and she didn 't say anything . I had this stupid look on my face that said " oops " waiting for the rest of the prank to unfold . I looked down and the ink was just swimming through the air . This black glob of a cloud was hanging above the surface of the carpet . I don 't know how but I knew it was because of Doris . It was just the look on her face . I think she would have been special , even without this gift . Even without the ability to make all of these things hover before her . A lot of people are very special and they can 't do a thing like that . That 's what I believe . And that was the start of our birthday friendship . I would share a secret with her and she would share a secret with me . Between those 365 days we would meet in the halls and talk . The same thing would happen after the lights went out , and we would sneak into the auditorium far below the apartment wing to just sit and speak for a while . We became extremely close . Nothing was kept secret . " I just mean , " This was new territory for me . I had no idea what I was talking about , and I stumbled upon this by accident . " Maybe the more you try , the stronger the ability becomes . The ink was very light . How about something a little heavier ? " Doris had her back against the wall with her knees pulled up close to her chest . " You don 't think this is dangerous ? You don 't think I 'm scary ? " " You 're my friend , Doris . Friends aren 't scary . " Curiosity peppered with kind words , but I meant it . I swear I did . I cannot be blamed for curiosity . I produced a pencil from my pocket and held it in front of Doris . " I 'm going to let go . " I said , and I let the pencil roll out of my hand . It fell to the ground and Doris stared at it . " I don 't think it 's safe . " She said . She was right , but I kept encouraging her . I came into her apartment again for her twelfth birthday and she was sitting on the rug again . I shook her head as I pulled the same pencil from my pocket . It had been such a long time . I suppose she thought I had forgotten . But she took it right out of my hand , no questions asked . Her hands were crossed in her lap and she followed the thing through the air , spinning it and letting it hover higher and higher . This became our birthday event , something that I would look forward to very much . It gained weight over the years , just as her technique grew stronger . From the ink in her eleventh birthday to the vase in the corner on her fourteenth , our goals grew larger . She had the coffee table down by her fifteenth birthday , and as soon as that was done , we were planning for the next . This is all we would really talk about , to our own social detriment . Most of the other children avoided us and spoke to their parents about how strange and isolated we were . It mattered little to us . Shortly before her sixteenth birthday , my father and I heard her fighting again . From the slurring of the voice , it was clear that he was drunk . My father put on the music again to drown out the sound , but I sat on the floor and rubbed my hands together for most of the night . It got so loud and violent at one point that I got up , but my father shook his head from the couch , if only to say that it wasn 't our business , even if she was my friend . I saw her in the hall the next day . She had a white bandage across her right hand , and I immediately assumed the worst . I 'll always remember that . She looked like a completely different person walking down the hall , so much older , just because of that bandage on her right hand . There were terrible things beneath the white paper , terrible things before it and terrible things in the future . " It isn 't what you think . " She told me . " There was a glass in my room that shattered . I guess I was just angry because of him and it came out of me , out of my mind . I 'll try and be more careful next time . " I was unwrapping the bandage as she spoke . It was a very nasty cut , very deep . Even as young as I was , I knew that it would leave a scar . Everybody has scars , right ? Except this little girl had two scars . One for inoculation and one because of her stupid father . She spent her sixteenth birthday alone . I can tell you that things started to slide after that , but I had made her promise that we would spend her 17th birthday together . We would continue our experiments . I told her that it was important to me . We became a bit more socialized directly after that , and we even made some friends in class . I suppose people were intrigued by our oddities . Not the deepest oddities of course . They wouldn 't have the slightest idea about that . One of those people happened to be Lee Randal , who was an asshole . That 's all he ever aspired to be , and he was okay with that . Nobody else was , but he was a large boy and you can 't argue with size . He went after Doris and began to try and flirt with her , in his own way , which amounted to something you would find on a K - 12 playground . Not exactly sand in the face , but more of the same . He could never say anything nice to her . That always fascinated me that he just didn 't have it in him to be kind . But you know those kinds of people . They 're everywhere . She ended up giving him a little bit of attention , if only because she felt sorry for him . That 's how I saw it at least . I didn 't mind because I was too busy with schoolwork to hang out with Doris much that year . I wouldn 't say we had drifted apart , but I her relationship with Lee confused me . Maybe I was more of an outsider than she was . I don 't know . We would still meet for her 17th birthday . That was the plan . Dr . Hall had set up a large get - together for Doris in the auditorium when her birthday came around . We didn 't mind . Pretty much everyone was there , even her father , who wasn 't too drunk . I suppose that was a plus . She and I both agreed to meet directly after the party below the auditorium for our annual birthday celebration . I was probably more excited than she was . Lee was there of course , mostly stuffing his face and being grotesque . I 've heard that people who eat compulsively are very sad . Lee must have been extremely sad . Doris had been talking to my father in the corner of the auditorium for a little while , something about chemistry . That was her passion and that 's what she planned to do after school . She was determined to become something . I could see Lee eyeballing her and my father from across the room . The kid was stupid to realize who my father was , and that he was simply having a conversation with the girl . I don 't really know what happened , but it upset him . Dr . Hall had decorated the place with balloons and his wife had prepared most of the food . There were streamers and banners that hung in the archways . If it hadn 't been for Dr . Hall , I 'll tell you , that place would have been cold and metallic . We would have lost our minds . It 's amazing what he did . I managed to catch Doris before she made her way back over to the table , to confirm our plans . " 10 : 30 . " I said as I passed by , like it was a death - sentence for anyone else to hear or understand . She understood and saluted me back . Lee looked on , as confused as ever . I left around 9 : 00 with my father to walk back to the apartment wing . " You 're very lucky to have Doris as a friend . " " I don 't know if he 's actually her boyfriend . I think she just has sympathy for him . I think she feels sorry for him , but he 's so frustrating sometimes . I can see it . " " I think everybody gets angry sometimes . Why does it matter ? " I stopped and looked at him . " It doesn 't matter . I was just curious . That 's the whole thing , I promise . " He opened the door to the apartment and walked in . " I know you 've got some sneaking out to do tonight , and I figure I 'll go on to bed and let you get to it , you being 17 and all . " He smiled like he had just unfurled some massive secret . " Well , you both be careful then . " He shut door and I went for a walk to kill a bit of time before 10 : 30 . I could hear her father next door , already inside the apartment stumbling around and looking for some place to fall . I almost felt like I needed to go in and speak to him , but I didn 't . I should have but I didn 't . The auditorium was dark and cold . The charm of the balloons had vanished without the light . The tables and chairs had been folded up and a single bulb was burning in the corner . The metal gleamed around it and I sat in the corner to wait for Doris . If she had gone home before meeting me her father could have caught her , and he would have kept her inside the whole night . But I didn 't think that happened . One of the doors to the kitchen was opened in the back . I hadn 't seen it when I first arrived , but now my eyes had adjusted to the light . I heard a pan fall to the floor from behind the door . I thought maybe it was rats or something , and I walked in below the burning bulb . Doris was seated on the table next to Lee . He was trying to hold her hand , and she let him . I couldn 't see and I couldn 't hear because it was so dark and they were so far . It was really just two shapes in the distance , a very large shape and a very small shape . I didn 't want to intrude on their privacy , but you know that I didn 't trust Lee . Not one bit . I was more concerned for her safety than I was for their privacy . There was a loud noise and Lee had swished some pots and pans out of the way . I could see her face from where I was standing , but I didn 't say anything . The first thing I thought of was to run upstairs and get my father , but it was a long way . I didn 't want to leave her alone . Maybe he would calm down . He was obviously angry about something . It was all so frightening , and there was so much noise . Lee was getting closer and closer , louder and louder , thundering his way across to the corner where she had retreated . Honestly , at first , I thought he had stepped on a pot and it had cracked . But he waMarla Dana had led Marla deep into the Burial , and they had finally stopped at a door . Marla reached out and felt through the darkness . The door was closed and the lock felt twisted and contorted . " It would have been simple and no more , but files had to be examined in the event of a death . One of those files included our manifest , and everybody saw the TK next to Doris ' name . It was unquestionable then about what had happened to poor Lee . He became a victim , and Doris was the monster . You know , I think they were all a little scared to confront her , after what she did to Lee , after all of that . Perhaps she could have taken care of everything right there in that kitchen , all of those people gawking . But she was so damned timid in the face of all of it . They ostracized her from the apartment wing and she had to live with her father somewhere down below . Somewhere far below here . " " I 'm sorry , Dana . " Marla said . " I 'm sorry you had to see all of that , even when you knew she wasn 't a monster . " " Yeah , nobody bothered to believe me . But it turns out that the TK wasn 't really what they had to worry about . Just as they had ostracized the doctor , a terrible sickness had swept through . Wiped out the older people and some of the really young . It made living down here for a large group of people considerably harder , and everybody eventually passed , except the one you see standing here . " Dana drummed her knuckles on the door . " I don 't know if you need some kind of paperwork or anything for this , but they 're all in there , accounted for , 120 bodies . I suppose that 's a different kind of manifest . " " Ah , " Marla was shaking her head . " Just , what a fucking tragedy for all of these people to pass . I 'm sorry . I think we should go . " They didn 't speak when they left the door , the one that , if the light had permitted , would have read Auditorium 352 . Dana drummed her knuckles on it one last time . She found herself down at that particular door many times . She mumbled something to herself for the hope of forgiveness and the passing of tragedy . She reached out , rubbed the scar on her right hand , and began her way upstairs with Marla .

It 's the most wonderful time of the year - when I struggle like a madman trying to get his head unstuck from the revolving door before that big guy on the other side tries to come through - to think of something both holidayish and spectacular for my - holiday spectacular . After my last year 's effort , Don did put on some pressure for me with his Christmas Day comment : " If you 're gonna top this one next year you better start working now . " I 'm not sure I can do that off the top of my head , as I don 't even remember last year 's . Every holiday season I like to set down the best comments I got during the year , the sole criteria being , I guess , that they insult or make fun of me . Bear has always dominated and now that Don has all but dropped out of the insult - comment field , Bear strives uncontested upon the field . In fact , two people who actually read my blog regularly ( and I 'm still shocked anyone reads it ) but rarely if ever comment told me they actually only read a little bit and then scroll down to see how Bear insults me . Just great . Here are Bear 's finest comments for this year , made with all the ardor of a ten year old knocking down his friend 's blocks . I don 't rank them , but put them in reverse chronological order . My present comments are put in italics : Here Bear weighs in on my Christmas movie list . She 's Got Mail " , " Love , Actually " great movies ? ? ? ? ? Who is the Mary writing this stuff ? " . . . the effervescent Jeremy Pivin . . " How GAY is that ? Next time I see you and have the urge to whack you in the head , I 'm going to blame it on an " EPIC attack " . What a ma - roon . AAARRRGGGGHHHHH ! First , a ' quick hop through history " that goes on FOREVER , then , finally , diarhhea mouth gets to the point . And what a grand point it is : Liberty , you 're darn tootin ' . It 's good . REALLY ? Was it necessary to quote 4 , 000 friggin ' philosophers and historical figures to come around to " America is bitchin ' " ? Write about growing up , or books , or living in the country . . . PLEASE , I AM BEGGING YOU . How about a list ? Top Ten ANYTHING . . . . O I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner , that is what I truly want to be - ee - e . For if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner , everyone would be in love with me . Join the Weiner Party for a better America in 2012 . Vote with your Weiner , for a Weiner , and we wll a be shiny happy people , forever and ever , thus spake Zarausthra . * * * But here , he 's just mean . I 'm reading along : Glenn Beck , Olbermann , Tunisia , Egypt ; and I 'm thinking for once his political commentary isn 't boring . This is pretty good stuff . Should have known it was a set up . Health care : " I see a liberty interest here … more pressing than the commerce clause … I would have to put in a lot more time … perhaps I will in another post . " NOT IF THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN . ' Nuff said . I met Bear 41 years ago as 7th graders . We didn 't become friends until a few years later , but we played basketball together once at the caddy house , a magical place it would take too long to explain in the new world where children have play dates instead of just playing and where they play video sport games instead of actually hitting , kicking and shooting balls together , and I went to his house and met his mother . He wrote a newspaper article for the school about the alleged ghost in my basement . In 11th grade , we became good friends , realizing that we had a tremendous amount of interests in common , including history , mythology , science and literature and that we were both ridiculous underachievers lucky that we didn 't flunk out of high school . He 's introduced me to the authors Robert Howard and James Lee Burke and books I still have like The Dun Cow and Red Eye . There was a time he nearly went off the deep end when a young man , though doing his best to hide the worst of it from me and I 've seen him nearly sink into oblivion and rise like a phoenix to being a school president in a major city . He chased skirts like a dog after a bone when he was young , but now has one of the most loving and stable marriages that I know and he has a man - cave in his house that looks like it could be the parlor in a Hollywood manor in which he houses my second favorite private library . He makes Maryland home with his wife , M , the only talented home designer I know ( the ones on tv appall me ) . He knows more about sports and higher education than anyone you are likely to meet and in 41 years , I can remember only a very few times in our entire life he was not in a good mood . He is an excellent poet ( an activity in which I excel in sucking ) and should have done more of it . Unaccountably , he actually looks good in hats . He has a booming laugh that is impossible to stop and is a world class mocker and ranter when he wants to be . Don came to work in a law firm I was at when we were both young lawyers back in the days when you could open the door to a law firm and there might not be one computer inside . We became friends , working , skiing , going out at night and on one laughable occasion , even going dancing , an event I 'd rather forget . Jesuit educated in high school , he was a wild man nonetheless and claimed he couldn 't be an alcoholic no matter how much he drank because he didn 't go to meetings . Around 7 - 8 years ago ( he can correct me if I 'm off ) , he moved to Montana to escape being a lawyer and , initially , to chase some crazy chick who was out of his life before he got there . The home he bought on the banks of a small river in the mountains is so remote , that it makes the 1300 pop . town I live in surrounded by national parks seem like a metropolis . He can recite lines from movies he saw decades ago like he was holding the script in his hand and is still an athlete in his young 50s . He lives again on the east coast , longing for the west , running a law office in Long Island and living on the Jersey Shore . He is a bachelor and please lock up your daughters when he is in the room . He is a fierce debater , who talks faster and more assuredly than almost anyone else can , even when he is defending the indefensible , but is one of the few people you can call at 3 in the morning , say , I need you to help me right now , and know he will come without needing an explanation . If he is on your side , there is no other side . Though they sometimes argue about politics in comments here , they actually have a lot in common . They both are insatiably curious and read as much as possible , share many high falutin ' interests , and both know far more about sports and entertainment than I ever will . They met when we were in our young 30s through me , when Bear managed a bar that Sam Spade would have hesitated to go into and Don liked to hang out in such places . Don is a long time conservative who has become more of a libertarian , more so than me , and we have both influenced one another 's political thinking as much as it is possible with two very opinionated people . Bear is not as interested in politics as Don and I are and will argues with me when I say he is a liberal ( at least a cultural one ) , but that is true of almost every liberal I know . I see signs in the last year that he is moderating some but we don 't discuss politics that much and it is hard to tell . The two will probably never agree on global warming or climate change or whatever it is being called these days . Both are raconteurs , more so Bear , but neither lets the actual facts damper a good story . I 've always said that there are two kinds of people in the world . Those who are unhappy absent some immediate gratification and those who are happy unless they have a good reason not to be . Fortunately , both of my friends fall into the latter category . However , each have had their demons and conquered them . And , they are both good people with consciences and I 'm lucky to have them as friends . They mostly ignore my faults even if Bear likes to pierce my delicate pride every week or so and enjoy a hearty laugh at my expense . And when Bear is laughing , there is nothing you can do but sit down and weather it , because no force known to man can stop it until he is done . They will both have to live with my descriptions , now immortalized in the most important blog on my block , but I don 't think they will argue that much with them . Everyone has faults - even , and this may shock you , dear readers , me - but they have been great friends for most of my life , and that is no small thing . Here now are some tales from the lives of Bear and Don , performed in my presence . Their more sordid tales , for which I was absent , will have to await their memoirs . Don was going stag along with me , my insignificant other and another couple in New Hampshire on a New Years ' Eve ski trip in the early 90s . The first night , we went to the hotel bar , where Don flirted with the waitress . Don flirts with a blowtorch , not a feather . We didn 't notice that the bartender was her boyfriend . It got a little hot in there , but not overtly hostile at all . We went out to dinner for New Year 's and Don , not imbibing particularly moderately , decided to lift a drink off the tray a waitress was carrying on her upraised hand to the next table and in doing so , broke the delicate balance you need to do that and caused her to upend all the other drinks onto her other customers . We left very quickly . When we got back to the hotel , the manager informed Don that he was not welcome in the hotel bar . We all defended him that he had done nothing wrong and he really had not . We argued it was not a good idea to have a waitress and a bartender who are dating . Don went to his room and called his credit card which - and I don 't know how he accomplished this , determined not to accept the hotel charges , and had a very nice three days for free . We went to the local ice cream place , Friendly 's , where we had had more than a few adventures . We went up to a group of kids we knew from school . One of them , a big blowhard who thought he was much cooler and tougher than he was , suddenly turned to us with plastic ketchup bottles in both hands and squeezed , catching Bear in the chest with both of them . Bear did not yell , fight or whine . He walked away and up to the counter and ordered an ice cream cone . We went outside with him happily lapping it . Then , we went over to get our bikes in the rack . He located the bike of the idiot who had sprayed him and turned the cone upside down on his seat . It was pretty hot out and in 5 minutes that cone had to melt all over , by which time , we were long gone . Now , that was cool . Don and I were working in a firm in the mid 90s . We debated constantly . Don was much more demonstrative than I , would raise his voice a lot and talk very fast . We weren 't fighting . It was just his style and it intimidated a lot of people . But , I knew he wasn 't violent ( well , not to his friends ) and it didn 't bother me at all . In fact , it usually amused me . One day we were in my office with the door closed . I was sitting in my chair with my hands behind my head and my feet up on the desk . Don was standing in front of the desk pacing back and forth and arguing very loudly and forcefully . I am sure the people outside the door could not hear me , although I was talking as much as he was . Suddenly , on one of his swings to the door , Don stooped , picked up a piece of paper , unfolded it , read it and cracked up . If was from my secretary and it said , " David , should I go for help . " Also back in high school , Bear , who I then often called Lars Wonderchild , and I would hang out at a local Baskin & Robbins where a friend worked . One day when we were there Bear wandered near the open freezer door . Our friend and I pushed him in from behind and shut the door , locking it . Why did we do this ? Because we were teenage boys and he was momentarily vulnerable . Any two of us would have done the same to the third . But , you need to be a teenage boy , or remember being one to understand - so ladies , don 't strain yourself . But , of course , we had no intention of harming him . So after about ten minutes , we opened the door . There was Bear , his pockets stuffed with ice cream sandwiches , calmly munching on one and smiling , as calm as could be . Don and I were going to a local pizzeria . I parked in the little lot behind and got out of my car to see Don pull into the lot across the street . Just before he pulls into the spot , another car pulls in front of him and gets it . Two guys get out of the car and Don gets out of his . Don demands that they move their car and they pretty much laugh at him and one says " What are you going to do ? There are two of us and one of you . " I am thinking , great , now I have to get in a fight for my crazy friend over a stupid parking space . But , Don doesn 't even look at me , but says , " Fine . " He goes to his car while they watch him like deer in headlights and he comes back with a baseball bat and the same guy says , " I 'll move the car . " When Don comes over after parking in his spot , I say , " You know you are out of your mind , right ? " He says he does , but can 't help himself sometimes , and he suggests we go to a different pizzeria a few doors away to avoid a further confrontation . Actually , he was trying to be nice , because they were terrified of him . I am at a pizzeria in Queens , NY , a great restaurant by the train station in Kew Gardens , near where Bear and M are living . I am thinking this has to be about 15 years ago . Some nice teenage boy , skinny and acne - faced , is our waiter . We were finishing up our meals and the nice young man comes by and scoops up the plate in front of Bear 's wife on which there is a little food left . You know how you don 't want to come in between a real Bear and her cubs . Similar , if less lethal , reaction here . Bear snarls " MY WIFE ISN ' T DONE WITH HER MEAL YET ! " and the little kid is practically shaking . After he scuttles away practically bowing , M and I both look at Bear and say something like , " What are you doing ? " " Well , " he says , " she wasn 't done . " Don and I are in Pennsylvania to ski at a little mountain where his parents have a trailer . It is freezing inside it and there are no sheets or blankets . We drive up to a hotel and Don goes in to inquire if they will be kind enough to lend us a few blankets for the weekend . I am out there in the car for about 5 minutes when Don comes sprinting out to the car screaming " Go , go , go . " He jumps in and I speed off asking him what the hell happened . " I couldn 't find anyone to ask , so I figured we 'd just borrow them for a few days . " " And ? " I ask . We went to a local , family owned movie theatre in the village near where we lived . The couple who owned it were very friendly but a little odd in that really nice way . Few people went there as it was old , not so clean and ran old movies . We were going to see Field of Dreams . Before it started , Bear warned me . His father had died earlier in the decade and when the end of the movie came , and the ghost of the lead character 's father asked his son if he wanted to play catch , Bear was going to cry . We watched the movie and then the scene came . Suddenly Bear gets up and hustles out of the theatre . It 's the end of the movie , so I go out into the lobby too . There is Bear , glasses off , wiping his eyes and being accosted by the owner of the theatre who is talking to him , but shouting to his wife across the lobby , " Honey , look . This man is crying . " Bear does his best to explain and then we go out to the alley beside the theatre where immediately Bear goes into a rant about what just happened and how the man buttonholed him when he came out with tears in his eyes and instead of letting him hurry away , insisted on knowing what had happened . No one rants like Bear and I laughed so hard my ribs hurt and I seriously thought I might break one . But , I couldn 't stop . I am trying not to laugh now . As for the owner , I imagine him sitting in a rocker this Christmas , smiling to himself as he remembers the time his wife and he touched someone 's life with film . One day Don calls me up and asks me for a favor . Back in those days , when Don asked you a favor , you went into a panic , because you never knew what was going to happen . If you covered a court case for him he described as " in and out , " you might find that it was the 37th time on and the judge threatened to hold him in contempt if he didn 't show or something worse . But , he had always helped me when I needed it and I said okay without asking what it was . It had nothing to do with the practice of law . He wanted me to come to his girlfriend 's house and keep the old man who used to be her stepfather from coming in the house when he came to pick up his furniture . Don liked the old fellow , who was probably 75 , and didn 't want to do it . So , when he showed up , I was standing in the doorway , trying to smile pleasantly and said that I was sorry , that he couldn 't come in , but I would get anything he wanted for him . Like a jack rabbit he jumped in my face , cocked his fists as if in a movie , and said that he could kick my ass . " What are you ? The hired muscle ? " I laughed to myself , careful not to smirk . I was raised to be a pacifist and not the hired muscle type . I had never had a real fight in my life , always preferring persuasion or just backing off in bad situations . I sometimes regretted that when older , at least in a few instances , but this was not a possibility . " No , Sir , I 'm just a family friend . I 'm sorry about this , but it was requested by your ex - wife that I help you , but not let you in and I promised . " That much was true . His ex had been nice to me and Don said that was what she wanted . Don , whose girlfriend was cowering upstairs , was , of course , just standing to one side , and shaking his head sympathetically for the old guy , like I 'm some kind of jerk he found standing in the doorway when he got here . Fortunately , the fellow 's older brother , who Don said was 85 years old , was also there and he pulled his brother back before he whacked me in the face and there was a problem . He shouldn 't have worried . I had no intention of hitting a 75 year old man no matter what he did to me , and had already told Don that . But , I really didn 't want my ass kicked either , did I ? Good G - d almighty , I am still in New York suffering through an interminable trial in which I am a witness and can 't leave until it 's over . So , for the three or so people in the world who actually like the equally interminable posts on history and politics I post here , sorry , not until I get back . Instead , I will quickly tear off another autobiographical post - this one about my former dating life , although , as usual , before I start , I am not sure I have enough material . But , sometimes I think that and find I have too much . We 'll see . Whatever I write below - because it is more fun to write about things that were embarrassing or humiliating to me - I am not complaining about my dating life before SHE ( aka here as the New Miss Malaprop and my Insignificant Other ) took over my life close to 20 or so years ago . I actually really enjoyed dating , even the blind dates . On the whole , the good dates dramatically outweighed the bad ones , even if I wasn 't interested in them or visa versa . I had one rule that I still urge other people to follow when they are nervous about dates and I think it 's a good one : The only thing you owe the other person is to try and have a good time . Some people , particularly women , are too nervous for even that . I admit , the older I got , the harder it was to ask out women during my " breaks " with my Insignificant Other and I don 't think I 'd get very used to the computer dating very easily now anyway . It is also very hard for me to be callous with someone I go out with , even if I don 't know them well , and callousness has become institutionalized in computer dating to the degree that it is really just considered normal . By callous , I mean things like just walking away in the middle of a date ; getting up after a few minutes and saying " thanks , but no thanks , " ignoring them if you aren 't interested , etc . You can say these things have always existed with dating , but I believe the level of it has gone dramatically up . I had difficulty not calling some women again even if I wasn 't really interested because I felt it would be rude or hurt their feelings . Maybe I was wrong about that as it probably was puzzling to them . I 'm using fake names for the women I mention below . Nothing sexual is mentioned at all , if you were preparing yourself to gag . Some of these stories were failures or in some way embarrassing to me anyway , so I 'm not bragging either . The order is neither chronological or by category , but mentioned as they occur to me while I write this . And , the dialogue , of course , is all paraphrased as I can 't remember exactly what I or they said all those years ago . And , to my dear Insignificant Other , let me say now , I 'm sorry . I don 't know for what yet , but I 'm sure you are going to make me sorry I wrote this one way or the other . But , all these stories are from a long time ago ( I swear ) , and only one or two after you and I started dating . Why you can 't get too cocky - Bailey - My early 30s . Something brought her to mind recently , but I forget what already . I doubt I had thought of her in 20 years or so . I was walking through my friend 's office building one day with him at my side when I saw a dazzling young woman , very Brenda Starrish , if that means anything to you , with long red / auburn hair , hurrying into the building . I was trying to think of some way to talk to her when she and my friend say hello to each other . I ask , very insistently , if he will make an introduction . He basically asked her out for me later in the day and I called her . Like many people , I hate that first cold call , because when you are together , even if you don 't know each other , you can easily find things to talk about all around you . But , when you are on a phone , it is much harder . However , my experience has been when I finally got the nerve to dial the phone number , they almost always made it very pleasant , as she did . I had a very good feeling about our date and didn 't have any nerves about it . I took her to dinner in Roslyn , New York , a very old quaint village , but I didn 't get to take her to the duck pond there , which I had found almost irresistible to women in letting you steal a kiss . She had to get up early the next day , so after a long dinner , I just took her home . I rarely tried for a goodnight kiss on the first date unless the woman made it plain or jumps me , and didn 't then . But , we had laughed the whole night and I was very confident she would go out with me again when I asked and she did . The second time was also great . Again , we couldn 't stop laughing the whole night . At the time I did not have a steady girlfriend ( although , gulp , I had started seeing my Insignificant Other ) , but I thought I might even date Bailey for a while before doing my usual thing and letting her know in casual conversation that I was not into long term commitment . But , when I took her home , she asked me in and I admit I was figuring on things going well that night . I aske " Really ? Aren 't you having a good time ? " I said . She said " I had a great time , but you are not who I am looking for in my life . I 'm anxious all day long and work and go to school . You work but you just seem not to take anything too seriously . I need someone who is going to worry with me . Why go further if it isn 't going to work out ? " I think she may have also said that she was an ant and I was a grasshopper , but maybe that is just what I got from it . I don 't think she mentioned the fact that I was already a father , but it is possible that was a reason too . Or , of course , maybe I wasn 't good looking enough for her or not her " type , " which are always possibilities . But , taking her at her word , she was right . I was looking for fun and a notch on the bed post . And I tried not to take life too seriously . That does irritate some people . But , I was kind of disappointed that we had gotten along so well and I didn 't even get the all important third date . The worst - Maisie - my middle 20s . When I was a very young attorney I used to flirt with some of my secretary 's friends on the phone , particularly Maisie , who I had never met . One day I asked my secretary if Maisie was good looking , and she assured me she was beautiful , so I asked if she thought it was okay if I could ask her out next time we spoke . Maisie had made inquiries too and soon after I was on my way to her house to get her . I met her father at the door and then Maisie came out . She was very attractive but completely smashed . We got in my car and headed for the city . Not only was she word slurring drunk and talking nonsense , but she really freaked me out when she mentioned that her mother was her best friend . I knew from my secretary that Maisie 's mother was dead . That was creepy . But , what really got tedious was that she kept referring to other anonymous women who got ahead in business by sleeping around . One , she just wouldn 't shut up about it , but , two , it was kind of putting a damper on any plans I might have had . She wanted to go to the top of the sixes in the city and I took her there . We sat at a table and ordered drinks . I didn 't really drink then either , but would have one if it meant getting a young woman in the mood . Next to us was a table with another young couple . I really was planning on how to get rid of this drunk obnoxious girl early when she stands up , points at the young woman next to her and starts saying how she knows what she is up to - she 's going to sleep with the guy to get ahead at her job . I literally had to drag her into the next room and begged her to please shut up while I paid and left . The next workday , I told my secretary that her friend was crazy . She insisted she wasn 't and that she was just kidding about her mother and about gold diggers . I never called Maisie , again , of course . However , a few weeks later a friend of mine met her in a bar and called me that night to tell me how she flipped out on him . Soon after my secretary mentioned that I was right , she was crazy and she would not hang out with her any more . Then , sometime in the next year , she said to me , " Remember , Maisie . Her aunt left her over a million dollars . She 's completely fine now . " Who knew ? - Darby - my middle 20s . I had known Darby while still in school and asked her out once then , but it turned out she was dating someone else with whom I was slightly acquainted . Some years later we both became lawyers and we ran into each other . I tried again and she said yes . We went out three times and when she didn 't jump me on the third date or give me the high sign , I stopped calling her . She obviously - in my world - wasn 't into me . Flash forward about 10 - 12 years and I am with a young intern , Anne , in court showing her the ropes when we run into Darby , who says she is now married with children . I introduced them and said " You know , Anne , Darby and I actually used to date a long time ago . " Darby fixed me with a look and said , " Yeah , what ever happened with that ? " She said " I liked you a lot ( I forget if she added , " you idiot , " or if her look said it ) . My kids could be your kids . " " Oh . " What do you say to that ? It didn 't appear she was kidding at all although she wasn 't hostile either . But , the next time I saw her she was just a little bit cold to me . But , maybe I 'm reading too much into it . Dizzy - Monica - my late 20s . One of my best friends was going out with his girl to an amusement park and wanted to fix me up with her friend . I said sure and we all met . I wasn 't really into her from the beginning , but she was a very sweet kid . When we got to the park we all went on some whirling ride . It made both Monica and me sick to our stomachs and for the next few hours , while our friends went on ride after ride , we sat on a bench and could barely talk - only enough to say every little while , " how are you doing ? " Not the fault either of us , but a disaster . My second worst date . Color Blind - Petra - my 20s . She was introduced to me by a friend who grew up with her . She was pretty , so I asked her out , even though I had my doubts . We went to NYC . While we were working down the street together , I was a few inches ahead of her and looking forward , and I mentioned I really hated the color purple ( not the movie - the color ) . I heard a little gasp . Damn . My apologies were sincere and she accepted them gracefully . A week or so later I thought I should call even though I wasn 't crazy about her . In the middle of the conversation I decided neither of us was really into it and didn 't even ask her out . But , the purple thing . Boy , was that dumb . Ah choo - Charisse - my late 20s . I met this girl at a friends ' Halloween party and we hit it off and started dating . She was also a red head and just a terrific person . But , she made it all too clear that she wanted to get married soon . After a month or so I started to feel bad . She was coming to my apartment and I decided to just tell her . Normally , I let the girl figure it out for themselves , but I felt that was wrong in this case . When she came over she said she had a surprise for me . She had two front row seats to see Dracula on Broadway . Feeling not so good about my decision and her gift , I told her the truth anyway and said maybe it wasn 't too late to ask a friend . But , she took the break up very well and said if I wasn 't interested in marriage now , she was glad I told her . More , she wanted me to come to the play anyway . So , off we went . We sat in the front row and watched Frank Langella play the title roll . Once during the play , Dracula even paused to look at me in the front row . The reason he did this is because I was having a sneezing fit . After breaking up with her , I felt like I couldn 't make her leave the play early and just suffered , as I 'm sure she did and all those around me including the actors . About a month after we broke up I learned she had gotten married to the next guy . About a month after that she called me to ask if I would do their divorce . I took care of it for her . I saw her about ten years later at a party . She was still single , but now in her early 40s . I wisely declined her invitation to get together . Too bad for someone because she 'd probably be a fantastic wife . Maybe she is now . I hope she found what she was looking for . Getting cocky II - Becca - my middle 30s . This wasn 't really a date , but close enough and it 's a good story . I and my Insignificant Other were taking our first long break and I went to the city with a female friend to get dinner one night . We found a place not far from the 59th Street Bridge . It was a Russian restaurant called The White House . Our waitresses were twin sisters , beautiful girls and daughters of the owner . For all they knew I was there with my girlfriend and I was a little taken aback at how flirtatious they were with me . Admittedly , I had the sort of fantasy playing in my head that most men would in that situation . When we were leaving Becca went to the ladies room and I waited near the front door after paying the bill . I looked back towards my table which had been up one or two steps with a railing around it . The two waitresses were practically posing in front of it , each sort of lying across the railing and looking at me . One beckoned me with her index finger - you know what I mean - and suddenly I was on fire . I thought - Oh , yes , this is going to happen . But , how am I going to get rid of Becca ? I quickly decided to just tell her the truth , tell her to take my car and beg her not to be mad at me . I did not want to ruin a long and solid friendship , and this kind of thing might , but I was still stunned at the audacity of these two sisters to act so brazenly with her in the restaurant and I couldn 't pass up this opportunity . I went over to them and one of them leaned forward and said in a low and sultry voice - " Don 't you teep ? " All of sudden I realized why they had called me over and the money came flying out of my pocket as I stuttered " Oh my God , " " I 'm so sorry , " and the like . I had just forgotten to do it after I paid . Damn . And it was such a good fantasy . Naturally , I told Becca the whole story as soon as we left . I don 't know why , but she was a little focused on the part about my leaving her in the middle of the city . Now that 's a coincidence - Lola - my early 20s . I am not a bar person for the most part as I rarely ever drink anything and I rarely ever met a girl at one . But , one night while in law school I went to a bar with some friends and I met Lola , a pretty blond , blue eyed girl . I called her the next week and it took two weeks before I could remember her name , and I doubt I would have ever except she mentioned it in a story she told me . We started dating but promised to keep it casual and if one person lost interest , they 'd just be honest and say thanks . I called her the next day and she was not very happy . She lived with her brother in the house they grew up in and had warned me about him . She never introduced us but he knew what had gone on . He also hadn 't had a date in a long time . In the morning he had screamed out the window for a while to their neighbors that she was a whore , slut , etc . She said maybe we should wait a week to see each other and I said fine . But , the next week , when I called she said her mother was coming in and she couldn 't go out . I said , Lola , we said if we lost interest we 'd just be honest and move on . She said that wasn 't the case but didn 't sound sincere to me ( I can hear Bear snickering from here - " D ' uh . " ) . I called two buddies and said let 's go to a movie . So , we went to the closest theatre to them which also was not too far from Lola 's house . I told them that I was a little bummed out because I was sure I was getting dumped and I wish she had just been honest instead of leading me on . I had a two week rule to let myself whine if I got hurt , and then I 'd feel better , but it couldn 't start until we ended it . As we walk up to the end of the line at the theatre , I 'm thinking that I have to get a grip because the girl at the end of the line looked too much like Lola . But , when we got there I realized it was her and she was not with her mother . If she was , her mother had an unbelievable resemblance to a young man . I pantomimed for my friends what was happening and we slowly backed away . That was the last time I saw her except a glance of her at a nightclub the next year . She had gained a lot of weight and I can 't say I didn 't smile to myself . But , I learned a valuable lesson . I was a little upset about what had happened but knew it was not serious enough to get me down for long . In school I talked to a female friend about it and said that if Lola had been honest with me , it would take less time to feel better . My friend asked me if I thought she herself was a good person . I said absolutely . She was great ( let me skip a semester once and gave me all her notes ) . Then she said , " I would have done exactly that she did . I know you shouldn 't , but I wouldn 't have been able to bear it otherwise . " I got it . Some people , maybe most people , were not just going to behave well in situations like this . But , it didn 't mean they were bad people . People do what they can and sometimes we are weak . It 's not an excuse for bad or selfish behavior , but it is an explanation . The fun of dating me - Malista - my early 30s . Malista was a friend 's secretary and we liked each other . So , I hit on her one Thanksgiving week and we started dating . She was another terrific person and we were later friends for years , but she was very insecure and emotional and I didn 't do well with that . She was also about ten years younger than me and had a little trouble understanding why I didn 't get upset and yell at her when her friends were late or why I didn 't seem to be stressed out about our dating . At first she had the crazy thought that maybe it was because I didn 't like her enough . No one she had dated had ever been as nice to her before or really nice to her at all ( I found that hard to believe , but she later told me this long after we were done ) . She also decided she liked me a lot , that she was my girlfriend ( for as long as a year after we stopped dating . Go figure . ) One night we had a date and she came over all decked out . When she saw me in jeans and sneakers her face went ashen . Hadn 't I remembered that we were going to go somewhere fancy for dinner ? No , I didn 't remember that at all . I thought we were just going to hang out and I had eaten dinner already . I could tell she was really upset . This was how she was used to being treated . I said I was sorry and that I would make it up to her next week . For now , I suggested , let 's just go to the mall for a movie and get something to eat there . So , I drove her to the mall , walked into the south entrance and took her to Burger King . Unbeknownst to me , taking her to BK was another insult to this young girl 's fragile self esteem . She was all dolled up and I was acting like it was nothing . Well , it was . But , it got worse for poor Malista . We ordered out food and I reached into my pocket . " Uh , I forgot my money . Do you mind paying ? " She didn 't tell me that night but she cried over this for days . I stopped dating her a few weeks or maybe a month or so later , because I couldn 't take the drama and told her so ( on the phone , naturally ) . She cried and I scolded her , telling her that she only thought she like me so much and wouldn 't even care in a week . She should stop crying . She did stop and when we spoke a week later , she did feel much better , even told me , without reference to what I had said to her the week before , that she realized we hadn 't dated that long and she wasn 't in love with me . Good enough for me . I took it . That should do it for now . Another successful post which will make you wonder if anything ever happened in my life that wasn 't embarrassing , dangerous or bad . But I just find this kind of stuff more fun than telling you how I threw 4 touchdown passes in a single game while playing for the Polk High School Panthers ( Al Bundy ) or that I tried the Penge - Bungalow murder case alone and without a leader ( Rumpole of the Bailey ) . I 'm still back in New York ( which I still call " home " when I am in Virginia ) and away from my beloved old , over - handled , poorly maintained , bindings broken paper library from which I gather most of my inspiration for this evalovin ' blog . I 'm a witness in a trial , which I won 't really talk about except to say it is sad to see a family disintegrate , but it is all too common over a parent 's estate , even when it is the last thing the parent would have wanted . Yccchh . I say again , yccchh . A political update is due ( my own self - imposed monthly schedule ) but I don 't much feel like it . So , I 'll just say , as follows about politics : Though I do not buy the Trumpian or tea partyish view of the president that he is not a patriot , that he is crooked and at the same time a Muslim and a bad Christian born in another country , I do think he is ill suited for the presidency in most respects and that he shares at least enough with socialists to believe that more spending , taxation and government are the answers , that our money is really on loan from the government and that the equality due us is not of opportunity but in assets and income . Leaving aside that Republicans are almost as bad as Democrats when it comes to these misapprehensions , I do want to see him lose the next election . But , I don 't want Newt Gingrich to win one either . Newt Gingrich has surged the last few weeks , for the most part based upon the fall of Herman Cain from the lead , of which now only the most die hard partisan or supporter can deny is likely true . But , Gingrich was already gaining a little bit when that happened . Cain supporters who need a new home will most likely look to Gingrich and that may give him what he needs to win Iowa and possibly New Hampshire and South Carolina . As has been pointed out many times by others , we pay the most attention to Iowa and New Hampshire because they come first , but South Carolina determines the nominee . However , the past is the past and every election something new seems to happen . But , while my predictions for who would run and who won 't have been very good , I was wrong about Gingrich running and wrong about how he would do . That 's one self - aggrandizing reason for wishing him to fail . My second reason is because he is , in my view , a religious bigot and no believer in the first amendment , which , also in my view , is the number one reason we have become a great country . My third reason is that he is way to partisan and narcissistic , even for a politician , to be president , and last , I think if nominated , Obama will be president for four more years . Conservatives , led by Rush Limbaugh have insisted they want a real conservative and only a real one can win . This is not only ironic , because Gingrich is hardly a conservative in the mold of Rush Limbaugh - he has more in common with liberals than Romney - but he will also lose the general election , because he will turn off a lot of independents more than Obama will . I still am calling Romney to win , because you can 't credibly switch every time someone new takes the lead . But , none of this is what I am writing about today . Instead , I want to go autobiographical ( which some of my few regular readers seem to prefer ) and write about something about as personal as you can get - the number of times I have almost offed myself . I mean accidentally , as , leaving aside a whimsical notion of blowing a cooling hole in my head with a shotgun when I had a bad migraine headache on a few occasion , I have never had a suicidal thought in my life . But , sometimes when driving along and having nothing to read I do think about how many times I have come close and for a long time have thought about a post recollecting them for posterity . For otherwise , when I go to the big buffet in the sky ( my secret hope ) , this crucial information will be lost forever . Some of these you may have read here before , but this is the first complete coverage . 1 . Once upon a time , when a mere youth , sometimes in the 60s , I was climbing a willow tree in my backyard . We had two willows , both of which were beautiful . Eventually , perhaps as proof how sayings are just sayings ( the willow bends in the wind but does not break ) , both of them broke in the wind . But , the one furthest away from my house was a frequent destination for me when I was young and imaginative , and I loved to climb it and imagine . One day , alone in my backyard , I began , slothlike , to inch my way upside down along a big branch , away from the main trunk . I can 't say how high it was - it 's just too long ago - but I doubt it was less than 6 feet or more than 10 feet off the ground . Suddenly , the branch clean snapped off and I plummeted to the ground head first with the branch over me . I landed square on my head and felt my neck bridge under me . I didn 't break my neck . It just hurt a lot . But , however old I was , it was old enough to realize that if I had hit a little harder , or my neck was a little more extended , I would have killed myself or paralyzed myself for life . I don 't think I 've ever told anyone this before . But , I survived . 2 . There have been several biking accidents from which I mysteriously walked away from without injury as if providence was intervening . Once when I was in my young teens I was riding my stingray bike ( I include a picture here as it is possible , you have no idea what that is , as I don 't believe they make them anymore ) . I was coming from a small stationary store and reading a comic book ( some habits die hard , although I am more attentive now when I read and drive ) . I rode my bike right into the back of a standing car , flew off the bike into the car at quite a high rate of speed . It really , really hurt . But , I survived . 3 . Later as a teenager I was with some friends returning from Oyster Bay where Teddy Roosevelt 's home was located . There are some very big hills there . We were coming down one ( I now owned a ten speed bike ) and due to gravity , were going almost as fast as the cars . I estimate about 35 miles per hour . I had a bike lock wrapped around the post for the seat and somehow it slid down and lodged itself between my rear brake pads . It stopped the back tire , causing me and the bike to flip rear tire over front . I came off the bike and began rolling down the hill much as you 'd expect . When I stopped rolling , I immediately stood up , expecting a bloody mess . But , I did not have a scratch . Nor , if I recall , did my bike . Odd , that one . But , I survived . 4 . I am in my late teens and at dinner with my fiancée and some other couple ( I think a couple who I haven 't spoken to in at least 30 years and have no idea what happened to as she got them in the future divorce ) at Red Lobster . I was eating a salad and got it into my Neanderthal head to try and swallow a cherry tomato whole . Sometimes I get confused between grape tomatoes and cherry tomatoes , so let me make it clear , this was the larger of the two . I did not know at this time that I had a very small opening for food ( I learned that when I was about 50 ) but I had a long history of choking on food , even when I wasn 't being almost preternaturally stupid . So , of course , it got stuck in my throat . While my friends chatted on I quietly sat there , tried to relax , and waited for it to go down , trying to breathe through my nose , which didn 't work so well either . I did not use the international sign for choking , for whatever good it would have done me . Instead , after a while , I took a sip of water . I expected to pass out any moment , when all of a sudden it went down . I think of that every single time I pass a Red Lobster . But , I survived . 5 . Somewhere around the same time , my fiancée and I were at a local community pool . She told me that her brother , who was my age , had done 10 somersaults underwater . So , being a boy , I determined to do 11 . And , I did . I also succeeded in making myself so dizzy that I literally could not find the surface . Finally , just about of air , I decided to just dead float and my fiancée , who was right there , would certainly rescue me . She did not , but when I relaxed , my head floated to the surface . I was not happy and asked her why she didn 't help me when I was flailing about . She said she thought I was trying to do one more . Well , that was fair . Anyway , I survived . 6 . I was 25 and in London in 1985 . It was my very first day out of the country . I was happily crossing Trafalgar Square , walking from Whitehall and crossing the big traffic circle towards the statue of Lord Nelson looking down upon us , if you are familiar with it . I was the only one in the street and no , I did not look the wrong way . I heard a motorcycle coming around the curve towards me and as it did not look like it was going to stop , turned to face it so that he could go around me . He did not look like he was going so I moved slightly to one side just as he began to turn in the same direction . Then I went the other way and so did he . This happened a few times as he approached - STILL NOT STOPPING - and I realized I might die . I let my arms fall to the side , tried to become loose ( I remembered that from somewhere ) and he hit me square on . I know I went in the air and that I landed on my backpack . I know I closed my eyes but I do not believe became unconscious . When I looked up there were a group of punkers ( if you are too young to know what that is , I have attached an example ) around me and I remember joking to myself that I hoped this wasn 't heaven . What I would call a brownie , that is , a women traffic cop , helped me to my feet and began talking to me . She was Scottish . I was deliriously happy to be alive . But , after a few seconds I said something like - I feel great , but I can 't understand a word you are saying . She helped me to the curb where I was approached by a number of American tourists who had taken pictures . A couple sent them to me , but I can only find one I had digitalized and it is from after the crash . You 'll notice I am covering something with my hand . It is my smashed camera . I don 't know why I thought that necessary , but , after all , I had been run over . I still felt great at this time , but later the pain , and a gigantic bruise that ran my entire lower left leg set in . It eventually turned black and then green and I thought I might have gangrene , but refused to give up my vacation and see a doctor . It turned out it was just a terrible bruise . However , there are some doctors who believe it was the genesis of my chronic leg pain / dysfunction , which began hurting the next year . Who knows ? But , I survived . 7 . Later that same trip I was in Amsterdam and waiting for a tram , which are virtually silent . While waiting , I decided to cross the tracks . As I did , I felt a hand grab my lapel and pull me backwards just before the near silent train crushed me . I never knew who do it , but if you are religious , you might start believing I had a guardian angel watching over me . But , I survived . 8 . A few years later ( 1990 ) I went to Greece and Turkey with a friend . We rented motor bikes . We decided to see what was at the top of the island and rode up . We found out what was there . A garbage dump . So , we turned around and headed down . Fortunately going fairly slowly still , my rear tire hit an oil patch and I was thrown off . I was able to avoid hitting my head or face , but tore up my right elbow and left knee fairly badly . I didn 't want to go to the hospital or doctor , so we just continued to the beach where I submerged my wounds in salt water . It hurt . Let me demonstrate about how much . Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ! But , I survived . 9 . On the way back to our hotel , my friend was ahead of me as I was now a little timid about riding the motorbike . I crossed a small bridge just as a large bus turned into it on the other side . There was no avoiding it and we passed each other with inches to spare . If I had been hit it would have slammed me into the wall to my right . I did not get hurt at all , and , more important , I survived . 10 . A few minutes later I suddenly felt a terrible pain in my throat near or on top of my Adam 's Apple . I still remember it as one of the most painful few minutes in my life until my throat surgery in December , 2009 . I did not want to stop as my friend was way ahead of me . When I finally caught up to him and pulled alongside , I asked him to see if my throat was bleeding . I was actually worried he would think I was imagining things . He reached over and pulled a long thistle out of my throat . It must have been blown along and just lodged in there . I don 't know how close to death this was , but , it is too weird a story to pass up . But , I survived . 11 . A few years later I was with the same friend and his girlfriend in Portugal ( I think around 1996 , but I could be wrong ) . We were at a castle on the Atlantic shore . While they wandered off I decided to get a picture of the pounding surf at the foot of the castle . I slowly extended my body over a rampart by hooking my insteps on the inside . I took the picture but then realized I was too far out . My friends were too far away too help . Slowly , like a worm I inched my way back , realizing the whole time that it would be really hard for them to explain to my daughter how I fell off a castle to my death . But , I survived . That 's all I can think of right now . I have had more lives than the proverbial cat . I have had many car accidents , but none have been serious at all . I have had two surgeries , but both were without complications . I have climbed small mountains and found myself in precarious positions , but always without incident . I have screwed up a zillion times , leaving myself at the mercy of the elements . I have been hospitalized a few times , once for a mysterious disease no doctor could figure out . But , all of these without mishap . My near misses have all been through stupidity or bad luck and not from the run of the mill accident or illness . I notice a couple of times that relaxing when things looked bad was the best thing I could do and I 'm grateful for whatever experiences taught me that . I have found that many times in my life doing nothing saves you , and not just in near death situations . Here 's a little from Lao Tze : Postscript : I forgot about this one . It is 1978 . I am just married or about to get married and have my first apartment . There is a gas stove . Neither of us has ever turned one on . So , I say ( I 'm not kidding about this either ) something like " I think we have to let the gas build up for a while . " So , after letting it do so , I light a match and literally blow myself across the room and into the wall . But , that 's not the funny part . I straighten up and say something like " Well , it probably hasn 't been lit in a while . " And I did the same thing again . After my second meeting with the wall , we called her mother , who said that we really shouldn 't be allowed to live by ourselves . Too true . But , I survived . I started this blog in September , 2006 . Mostly , it is where I can talk about things that interest me , which I otherwise don 't get to do all that much , about some remarkable people who should not be forgotten , philosophy and theories ( like Don Foster 's on who wrote A Visit From St . Nicholas and my own on whether Santa is mostly derived from a Norse god ) and analysis of issues that concern me . Often it is about books . I try to quote accurately and to say when I am paraphrasing ( more and more ) . Sometimes I blow the first name of even very famous people , often entertainers . I 'm much better at history , but once in a while I see I have written something I later learned was not true . Sometimes I fix them , sometimes not . My worst mistake was writing that Beethoven went blind , when he actually went deaf . Feel free to point out an error . I either leave in the mistake , or , if I clean it up , the comment pointing it out . From time to time I do clean up grammar in old posts as , over time I have become more conventional in my grammar , and I very often write these when I am falling asleep and just make dumb mistakes . It be nice to have an editor , but . . . . View my complete profile

It 's the most wonderful time of the year - when I struggle like a madman trying to get his head unstuck from the revolving door before that big guy on the other side tries to come through - to think of something both holidayish and spectacular for my - holiday spectacular . After my last year 's effort , Don did put on some pressure for me with his Christmas Day comment : " If you 're gonna top this one next year you better start working now . " I 'm not sure I can do that off the top of my head , as I don 't even remember last year 's . Every holiday season I like to set down the best comments I got during the year , the sole criteria being , I guess , that they insult or make fun of me . Bear has always dominated and now that Don has all but dropped out of the insult - comment field , Bear strives uncontested upon the field . In fact , two people who actually read my blog regularly ( and I 'm still shocked anyone reads it ) but rarely if ever comment told me they actually only read a little bit and then scroll down to see how Bear insults me . Just great . Here are Bear 's finest comments for this year , made with all the ardor of a ten year old knocking down his friend 's blocks . I don 't rank them , but put them in reverse chronological order . My present comments are put in italics : Here Bear weighs in on my Christmas movie list . She 's Got Mail " , " Love , Actually " great movies ? ? ? ? ? Who is the Mary writing this stuff ? " . . . the effervescent Jeremy Pivin . . " How GAY is that ? Next time I see you and have the urge to whack you in the head , I 'm going to blame it on an " EPIC attack " . What a ma - roon . AAARRRGGGGHHHHH ! First , a ' quick hop through history " that goes on FOREVER , then , finally , diarhhea mouth gets to the point . And what a grand point it is : Liberty , you 're darn tootin ' . It 's good . REALLY ? Was it necessary to quote 4 , 000 friggin ' philosophers and historical figures to come around to " America is bitchin ' " ? Write about growing up , or books , or living in the country . . . PLEASE , I AM BEGGING YOU . How about a list ? Top Ten ANYTHING . . . . O I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner , that is what I truly want to be - ee - e . For if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner , everyone would be in love with me . Join the Weiner Party for a better America in 2012 . Vote with your Weiner , for a Weiner , and we wll a be shiny happy people , forever and ever , thus spake Zarausthra . * * * But here , he 's just mean . I 'm reading along : Glenn Beck , Olbermann , Tunisia , Egypt ; and I 'm thinking for once his political commentary isn 't boring . This is pretty good stuff . Should have known it was a set up . Health care : " I see a liberty interest here … more pressing than the commerce clause … I would have to put in a lot more time … perhaps I will in another post . " NOT IF THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN . ' Nuff said . I met Bear 41 years ago as 7th graders . We didn 't become friends until a few years later , but we played basketball together once at the caddy house , a magical place it would take too long to explain in the new world where children have play dates instead of just playing and where they play video sport games instead of actually hitting , kicking and shooting balls together , and I went to his house and met his mother . He wrote a newspaper article for the school about the alleged ghost in my basement . In 11th grade , we became good friends , realizing that we had a tremendous amount of interests in common , including history , mythology , science and literature and that we were both ridiculous underachievers lucky that we didn 't flunk out of high school . He 's introduced me to the authors Robert Howard and James Lee Burke and books I still have like The Dun Cow and Red Eye . There was a time he nearly went off the deep end when a young man , though doing his best to hide the worst of it from me and I 've seen him nearly sink into oblivion and rise like a phoenix to being a school president in a major city . He chased skirts like a dog after a bone when he was young , but now has one of the most loving and stable marriages that I know and he has a man - cave in his house that looks like it could be the parlor in a Hollywood manor in which he houses my second favorite private library . He makes Maryland home with his wife , M , the only talented home designer I know ( the ones on tv appall me ) . He knows more about sports and higher education than anyone you are likely to meet and in 41 years , I can remember only a very few times in our entire life he was not in a good mood . He is an excellent poet ( an activity in which I excel in sucking ) and should have done more of it . Unaccountably , he actually looks good in hats . He has a booming laugh that is impossible to stop and is a world class mocker and ranter when he wants to be . Don came to work in a law firm I was at when we were both young lawyers back in the days when you could open the door to a law firm and there might not be one computer inside . We became friends , working , skiing , going out at night and on one laughable occasion , even going dancing , an event I 'd rather forget . Jesuit educated in high school , he was a wild man nonetheless and claimed he couldn 't be an alcoholic no matter how much he drank because he didn 't go to meetings . Around 7 - 8 years ago ( he can correct me if I 'm off ) , he moved to Montana to escape being a lawyer and , initially , to chase some crazy chick who was out of his life before he got there . The home he bought on the banks of a small river in the mountains is so remote , that it makes the 1300 pop . town I live in surrounded by national parks seem like a metropolis . He can recite lines from movies he saw decades ago like he was holding the script in his hand and is still an athlete in his young 50s . He lives again on the east coast , longing for the west , running a law office in Long Island and living on the Jersey Shore . He is a bachelor and please lock up your daughters when he is in the room . He is a fierce debater , who talks faster and more assuredly than almost anyone else can , even when he is defending the indefensible , but is one of the few people you can call at 3 in the morning , say , I need you to help me right now , and know he will come without needing an explanation . If he is on your side , there is no other side . Though they sometimes argue about politics in comments here , they actually have a lot in common . They both are insatiably curious and read as much as possible , share many high falutin ' interests , and both know far more about sports and entertainment than I ever will . They met when we were in our young 30s through me , when Bear managed a bar that Sam Spade would have hesitated to go into and Don liked to hang out in such places . Don is a long time conservative who has become more of a libertarian , more so than me , and we have both influenced one another 's political thinking as much as it is possible with two very opinionated people . Bear is not as interested in politics as Don and I are and will argues with me when I say he is a liberal ( at least a cultural one ) , but that is true of almost every liberal I know . I see signs in the last year that he is moderating some but we don 't discuss politics that much and it is hard to tell . The two will probably never agree on global warming or climate change or whatever it is being called these days . Both are raconteurs , more so Bear , but neither lets the actual facts damper a good story . I 've always said that there are two kinds of people in the world . Those who are unhappy absent some immediate gratification and those who are happy unless they have a good reason not to be . Fortunately , both of my friends fall into the latter category . However , each have had their demons and conquered them . And , they are both good people with consciences and I 'm lucky to have them as friends . They mostly ignore my faults even if Bear likes to pierce my delicate pride every week or so and enjoy a hearty laugh at my expense . And when Bear is laughing , there is nothing you can do but sit down and weather it , because no force known to man can stop it until he is done . They will both have to live with my descriptions , now immortalized in the most important blog on my block , but I don 't think they will argue that much with them . Everyone has faults - even , and this may shock you , dear readers , me - but they have been great friends for most of my life , and that is no small thing . Here now are some tales from the lives of Bear and Don , performed in my presence . Their more sordid tales , for which I was absent , will have to await their memoirs . Don was going stag along with me , my insignificant other and another couple in New Hampshire on a New Years ' Eve ski trip in the early 90s . The first night , we went to the hotel bar , where Don flirted with the waitress . Don flirts with a blowtorch , not a feather . We didn 't notice that the bartender was her boyfriend . It got a little hot in there , but not overtly hostile at all . We went out to dinner for New Year 's and Don , not imbibing particularly moderately , decided to lift a drink off the tray a waitress was carrying on her upraised hand to the next table and in doing so , broke the delicate balance you need to do that and caused her to upend all the other drinks onto her other customers . We left very quickly . When we got back to the hotel , the manager informed Don that he was not welcome in the hotel bar . We all defended him that he had done nothing wrong and he really had not . We argued it was not a good idea to have a waitress and a bartender who are dating . Don went to his room and called his credit card which - and I don 't know how he accomplished this , determined not to accept the hotel charges , and had a very nice three days for free . We went to the local ice cream place , Friendly 's , where we had had more than a few adventures . We went up to a group of kids we knew from school . One of them , a big blowhard who thought he was much cooler and tougher than he was , suddenly turned to us with plastic ketchup bottles in both hands and squeezed , catching Bear in the chest with both of them . Bear did not yell , fight or whine . He walked away and up to the counter and ordered an ice cream cone . We went outside with him happily lapping it . Then , we went over to get our bikes in the rack . He located the bike of the idiot who had sprayed him and turned the cone upside down on his seat . It was pretty hot out and in 5 minutes that cone had to melt all over , by which time , we were long gone . Now , that was cool . Don and I were working in a firm in the mid 90s . We debated constantly . Don was much more demonstrative than I , would raise his voice a lot and talk very fast . We weren 't fighting . It was just his style and it intimidated a lot of people . But , I knew he wasn 't violent ( well , not to his friends ) and it didn 't bother me at all . In fact , it usually amused me . One day we were in my office with the door closed . I was sitting in my chair with my hands behind my head and my feet up on the desk . Don was standing in front of the desk pacing back and forth and arguing very loudly and forcefully . I am sure the people outside the door could not hear me , although I was talking as much as he was . Suddenly , on one of his swings to the door , Don stooped , picked up a piece of paper , unfolded it , read it and cracked up . If was from my secretary and it said , " David , should I go for help . " Also back in high school , Bear , who I then often called Lars Wonderchild , and I would hang out at a local Baskin & Robbins where a friend worked . One day when we were there Bear wandered near the open freezer door . Our friend and I pushed him in from behind and shut the door , locking it . Why did we do this ? Because we were teenage boys and he was momentarily vulnerable . Any two of us would have done the same to the third . But , you need to be a teenage boy , or remember being one to understand - so ladies , don 't strain yourself . But , of course , we had no intention of harming him . So after about ten minutes , we opened the door . There was Bear , his pockets stuffed with ice cream sandwiches , calmly munching on one and smiling , as calm as could be . Don and I were going to a local pizzeria . I parked in the little lot behind and got out of my car to see Don pull into the lot across the street . Just before he pulls into the spot , another car pulls in front of him and gets it . Two guys get out of the car and Don gets out of his . Don demands that they move their car and they pretty much laugh at him and one says " What are you going to do ? There are two of us and one of you . " I am thinking , great , now I have to get in a fight for my crazy friend over a stupid parking space . But , Don doesn 't even look at me , but says , " Fine . " He goes to his car while they watch him like deer in headlights and he comes back with a baseball bat and the same guy says , " I 'll move the car . " When Don comes over after parking in his spot , I say , " You know you are out of your mind , right ? " He says he does , but can 't help himself sometimes , and he suggests we go to a different pizzeria a few doors away to avoid a further confrontation . Actually , he was trying to be nice , because they were terrified of him . I am at a pizzeria in Queens , NY , a great restaurant by the train station in Kew Gardens , near where Bear and M are living . I am thinking this has to be about 15 years ago . Some nice teenage boy , skinny and acne - faced , is our waiter . We were finishing up our meals and the nice young man comes by and scoops up the plate in front of Bear 's wife on which there is a little food left . You know how you don 't want to come in between a real Bear and her cubs . Similar , if less lethal , reaction here . Bear snarls " MY WIFE ISN ' T DONE WITH HER MEAL YET ! " and the little kid is practically shaking . After he scuttles away practically bowing , M and I both look at Bear and say something like , " What are you doing ? " " Well , " he says , " she wasn 't done . " Don and I are in Pennsylvania to ski at a little mountain where his parents have a trailer . It is freezing inside it and there are no sheets or blankets . We drive up to a hotel and Don goes in to inquire if they will be kind enough to lend us a few blankets for the weekend . I am out there in the car for about 5 minutes when Don comes sprinting out to the car screaming " Go , go , go . " He jumps in and I speed off asking him what the hell happened . " I couldn 't find anyone to ask , so I figured we 'd just borrow them for a few days . " " And ? " I ask . We went to a local , family owned movie theatre in the village near where we lived . The couple who owned it were very friendly but a little odd in that really nice way . Few people went there as it was old , not so clean and ran old movies . We were going to see Field of Dreams . Before it started , Bear warned me . His father had died earlier in the decade and when the end of the movie came , and the ghost of the lead character 's father asked his son if he wanted to play catch , Bear was going to cry . We watched the movie and then the scene came . Suddenly Bear gets up and hustles out of the theatre . It 's the end of the movie , so I go out into the lobby too . There is Bear , glasses off , wiping his eyes and being accosted by the owner of the theatre who is talking to him , but shouting to his wife across the lobby , " Honey , look . This man is crying . " Bear does his best to explain and then we go out to the alley beside the theatre where immediately Bear goes into a rant about what just happened and how the man buttonholed him when he came out with tears in his eyes and instead of letting him hurry away , insisted on knowing what had happened . No one rants like Bear and I laughed so hard my ribs hurt and I seriously thought I might break one . But , I couldn 't stop . I am trying not to laugh now . As for the owner , I imagine him sitting in a rocker this Christmas , smiling to himself as he remembers the time his wife and he touched someone 's life with film . One day Don calls me up and asks me for a favor . Back in those days , when Don asked you a favor , you went into a panic , because you never knew what was going to happen . If you covered a court case for him he described as " in and out , " you might find that it was the 37th time on and the judge threatened to hold him in contempt if he didn 't show or something worse . But , he had always helped me when I needed it and I said okay without asking what it was . It had nothing to do with the practice of law . He wanted me to come to his girlfriend 's house and keep the old man who used to be her stepfather from coming in the house when he came to pick up his furniture . Don liked the old fellow , who was probably 75 , and didn 't want to do it . So , when he showed up , I was standing in the doorway , trying to smile pleasantly and said that I was sorry , that he couldn 't come in , but I would get anything he wanted for him . Like a jack rabbit he jumped in my face , cocked his fists as if in a movie , and said that he could kick my ass . " What are you ? The hired muscle ? " I laughed to myself , careful not to smirk . I was raised to be a pacifist and not the hired muscle type . I had never had a real fight in my life , always preferring persuasion or just backing off in bad situations . I sometimes regretted that when older , at least in a few instances , but this was not a possibility . " No , Sir , I 'm just a family friend . I 'm sorry about this , but it was requested by your ex - wife that I help you , but not let you in and I promised . " That much was true . His ex had been nice to me and Don said that was what she wanted . Don , whose girlfriend was cowering upstairs , was , of course , just standing to one side , and shaking his head sympathetically for the old guy , like I 'm some kind of jerk he found standing in the doorway when he got here . Fortunately , the fellow 's older brother , who Don said was 85 years old , was also there and he pulled his brother back before he whacked me in the face and there was a problem . He shouldn 't have worried . I had no intention of hitting a 75 year old man no matter what he did to me , and had already told Don that . But , I really didn 't want my ass kicked either , did I ? Good G - d almighty , I am still in New York suffering through an interminable trial in which I am a witness and can 't leave until it 's over . So , for the three or so people in the world who actually like the equally interminable posts on history and politics I post here , sorry , not until I get back . Instead , I will quickly tear off another autobiographical post - this one about my former dating life , although , as usual , before I start , I am not sure I have enough material . But , sometimes I think that and find I have too much . We 'll see . Whatever I write below - because it is more fun to write about things that were embarrassing or humiliating to me - I am not complaining about my dating life before SHE ( aka here as the New Miss Malaprop and my Insignificant Other ) took over my life close to 20 or so years ago . I actually really enjoyed dating , even the blind dates . On the whole , the good dates dramatically outweighed the bad ones , even if I wasn 't interested in them or visa versa . I had one rule that I still urge other people to follow when they are nervous about dates and I think it 's a good one : The only thing you owe the other person is to try and have a good time . Some people , particularly women , are too nervous for even that . I admit , the older I got , the harder it was to ask out women during my " breaks " with my Insignificant Other and I don 't think I 'd get very used to the computer dating very easily now anyway . It is also very hard for me to be callous with someone I go out with , even if I don 't know them well , and callousness has become institutionalized in computer dating to the degree that it is really just considered normal . By callous , I mean things like just walking away in the middle of a date ; getting up after a few minutes and saying " thanks , but no thanks , " ignoring them if you aren 't interested , etc . You can say these things have always existed with dating , but I believe the level of it has gone dramatically up . I had difficulty not calling some women again even if I wasn 't really interested because I felt it would be rude or hurt their feelings . Maybe I was wrong about that as it probably was puzzling to them . I 'm using fake names for the women I mention below . Nothing sexual is mentioned at all , if you were preparing yourself to gag . Some of these stories were failures or in some way embarrassing to me anyway , so I 'm not bragging either . The order is neither chronological or by category , but mentioned as they occur to me while I write this . And , the dialogue , of course , is all paraphrased as I can 't remember exactly what I or they said all those years ago . And , to my dear Insignificant Other , let me say now , I 'm sorry . I don 't know for what yet , but I 'm sure you are going to make me sorry I wrote this one way or the other . But , all these stories are from a long time ago ( I swear ) , and only one or two after you and I started dating . Why you can 't get too cocky - Bailey - My early 30s . Something brought her to mind recently , but I forget what already . I doubt I had thought of her in 20 years or so . I was walking through my friend 's office building one day with him at my side when I saw a dazzling young woman , very Brenda Starrish , if that means anything to you , with long red / auburn hair , hurrying into the building . I was trying to think of some way to talk to her when she and my friend say hello to each other . I ask , very insistently , if he will make an introduction . He basically asked her out for me later in the day and I called her . Like many people , I hate that first cold call , because when you are together , even if you don 't know each other , you can easily find things to talk about all around you . But , when you are on a phone , it is much harder . However , my experience has been when I finally got the nerve to dial the phone number , they almost always made it very pleasant , as she did . I had a very good feeling about our date and didn 't have any nerves about it . I took her to dinner in Roslyn , New York , a very old quaint village , but I didn 't get to take her to the duck pond there , which I had found almost irresistible to women in letting you steal a kiss . She had to get up early the next day , so after a long dinner , I just took her home . I rarely tried for a goodnight kiss on the first date unless the woman made it plain or jumps me , and didn 't then . But , we had laughed the whole night and I was very confident she would go out with me again when I asked and she did . The second time was also great . Again , we couldn 't stop laughing the whole night . At the time I did not have a steady girlfriend ( although , gulp , I had started seeing my Insignificant Other ) , but I thought I might even date Bailey for a while before doing my usual thing and letting her know in casual conversation that I was not into long term commitment . But , when I took her home , she asked me in and I admit I was figuring on things going well that night . I aske " Really ? Aren 't you having a good time ? " I said . She said " I had a great time , but you are not who I am looking for in my life . I 'm anxious all day long and work and go to school . You work but you just seem not to take anything too seriously . I need someone who is going to worry with me . Why go further if it isn 't going to work out ? " I think she may have also said that she was an ant and I was a grasshopper , but maybe that is just what I got from it . I don 't think she mentioned the fact that I was already a father , but it is possible that was a reason too . Or , of course , maybe I wasn 't good looking enough for her or not her " type , " which are always possibilities . But , taking her at her word , she was right . I was looking for fun and a notch on the bed post . And I tried not to take life too seriously . That does irritate some people . But , I was kind of disappointed that we had gotten along so well and I didn 't even get the all important third date . The worst - Maisie - my middle 20s . When I was a very young attorney I used to flirt with some of my secretary 's friends on the phone , particularly Maisie , who I had never met . One day I asked my secretary if Maisie was good looking , and she assured me she was beautiful , so I asked if she thought it was okay if I could ask her out next time we spoke . Maisie had made inquiries too and soon after I was on my way to her house to get her . I met her father at the door and then Maisie came out . She was very attractive but completely smashed . We got in my car and headed for the city . Not only was she word slurring drunk and talking nonsense , but she really freaked me out when she mentioned that her mother was her best friend . I knew from my secretary that Maisie 's mother was dead . That was creepy . But , what really got tedious was that she kept referring to other anonymous women who got ahead in business by sleeping around . One , she just wouldn 't shut up about it , but , two , it was kind of putting a damper on any plans I might have had . She wanted to go to the top of the sixes in the city and I took her there . We sat at a table and ordered drinks . I didn 't really drink then either , but would have one if it meant getting a young woman in the mood . Next to us was a table with another young couple . I really was planning on how to get rid of this drunk obnoxious girl early when she stands up , points at the young woman next to her and starts saying how she knows what she is up to - she 's going to sleep with the guy to get ahead at her job . I literally had to drag her into the next room and begged her to please shut up while I paid and left . The next workday , I told my secretary that her friend was crazy . She insisted she wasn 't and that she was just kidding about her mother and about gold diggers . I never called Maisie , again , of course . However , a few weeks later a friend of mine met her in a bar and called me that night to tell me how she flipped out on him . Soon after my secretary mentioned that I was right , she was crazy and she would not hang out with her any more . Then , sometime in the next year , she said to me , " Remember , Maisie . Her aunt left her over a million dollars . She 's completely fine now . " Who knew ? - Darby - my middle 20s . I had known Darby while still in school and asked her out once then , but it turned out she was dating someone else with whom I was slightly acquainted . Some years later we both became lawyers and we ran into each other . I tried again and she said yes . We went out three times and when she didn 't jump me on the third date or give me the high sign , I stopped calling her . She obviously - in my world - wasn 't into me . Flash forward about 10 - 12 years and I am with a young intern , Anne , in court showing her the ropes when we run into Darby , who says she is now married with children . I introduced them and said " You know , Anne , Darby and I actually used to date a long time ago . " Darby fixed me with a look and said , " Yeah , what ever happened with that ? " She said " I liked you a lot ( I forget if she added , " you idiot , " or if her look said it ) . My kids could be your kids . " " Oh . " What do you say to that ? It didn 't appear she was kidding at all although she wasn 't hostile either . But , the next time I saw her she was just a little bit cold to me . But , maybe I 'm reading too much into it . Dizzy - Monica - my late 20s . One of my best friends was going out with his girl to an amusement park and wanted to fix me up with her friend . I said sure and we all met . I wasn 't really into her from the beginning , but she was a very sweet kid . When we got to the park we all went on some whirling ride . It made both Monica and me sick to our stomachs and for the next few hours , while our friends went on ride after ride , we sat on a bench and could barely talk - only enough to say every little while , " how are you doing ? " Not the fault either of us , but a disaster . My second worst date . Color Blind - Petra - my 20s . She was introduced to me by a friend who grew up with her . She was pretty , so I asked her out , even though I had my doubts . We went to NYC . While we were working down the street together , I was a few inches ahead of her and looking forward , and I mentioned I really hated the color purple ( not the movie - the color ) . I heard a little gasp . Damn . My apologies were sincere and she accepted them gracefully . A week or so later I thought I should call even though I wasn 't crazy about her . In the middle of the conversation I decided neither of us was really into it and didn 't even ask her out . But , the purple thing . Boy , was that dumb . Ah choo - Charisse - my late 20s . I met this girl at a friends ' Halloween party and we hit it off and started dating . She was also a red head and just a terrific person . But , she made it all too clear that she wanted to get married soon . After a month or so I started to feel bad . She was coming to my apartment and I decided to just tell her . Normally , I let the girl figure it out for themselves , but I felt that was wrong in this case . When she came over she said she had a surprise for me . She had two front row seats to see Dracula on Broadway . Feeling not so good about my decision and her gift , I told her the truth anyway and said maybe it wasn 't too late to ask a friend . But , she took the break up very well and said if I wasn 't interested in marriage now , she was glad I told her . More , she wanted me to come to the play anyway . So , off we went . We sat in the front row and watched Frank Langella play the title roll . Once during the play , Dracula even paused to look at me in the front row . The reason he did this is because I was having a sneezing fit . After breaking up with her , I felt like I couldn 't make her leave the play early and just suffered , as I 'm sure she did and all those around me including the actors . About a month after we broke up I learned she had gotten married to the next guy . About a month after that she called me to ask if I would do their divorce . I took care of it for her . I saw her about ten years later at a party . She was still single , but now in her early 40s . I wisely declined her invitation to get together . Too bad for someone because she 'd probably be a fantastic wife . Maybe she is now . I hope she found what she was looking for . Getting cocky II - Becca - my middle 30s . This wasn 't really a date , but close enough and it 's a good story . I and my Insignificant Other were taking our first long break and I went to the city with a female friend to get dinner one night . We found a place not far from the 59th Street Bridge . It was a Russian restaurant called The White House . Our waitresses were twin sisters , beautiful girls and daughters of the owner . For all they knew I was there with my girlfriend and I was a little taken aback at how flirtatious they were with me . Admittedly , I had the sort of fantasy playing in my head that most men would in that situation . When we were leaving Becca went to the ladies room and I waited near the front door after paying the bill . I looked back towards my table which had been up one or two steps with a railing around it . The two waitresses were practically posing in front of it , each sort of lying across the railing and looking at me . One beckoned me with her index finger - you know what I mean - and suddenly I was on fire . I thought - Oh , yes , this is going to happen . But , how am I going to get rid of Becca ? I quickly decided to just tell her the truth , tell her to take my car and beg her not to be mad at me . I did not want to ruin a long and solid friendship , and this kind of thing might , but I was still stunned at the audacity of these two sisters to act so brazenly with her in the restaurant and I couldn 't pass up this opportunity . I went over to them and one of them leaned forward and said in a low and sultry voice - " Don 't you teep ? " All of sudden I realized why they had called me over and the money came flying out of my pocket as I stuttered " Oh my God , " " I 'm so sorry , " and the like . I had just forgotten to do it after I paid . Damn . And it was such a good fantasy . Naturally , I told Becca the whole story as soon as we left . I don 't know why , but she was a little focused on the part about my leaving her in the middle of the city . Now that 's a coincidence - Lola - my early 20s . I am not a bar person for the most part as I rarely ever drink anything and I rarely ever met a girl at one . But , one night while in law school I went to a bar with some friends and I met Lola , a pretty blond , blue eyed girl . I called her the next week and it took two weeks before I could remember her name , and I doubt I would have ever except she mentioned it in a story she told me . We started dating but promised to keep it casual and if one person lost interest , they 'd just be honest and say thanks . I called her the next day and she was not very happy . She lived with her brother in the house they grew up in and had warned me about him . She never introduced us but he knew what had gone on . He also hadn 't had a date in a long time . In the morning he had screamed out the window for a while to their neighbors that she was a whore , slut , etc . She said maybe we should wait a week to see each other and I said fine . But , the next week , when I called she said her mother was coming in and she couldn 't go out . I said , Lola , we said if we lost interest we 'd just be honest and move on . She said that wasn 't the case but didn 't sound sincere to me ( I can hear Bear snickering from here - " D ' uh . " ) . I called two buddies and said let 's go to a movie . So , we went to the closest theatre to them which also was not too far from Lola 's house . I told them that I was a little bummed out because I was sure I was getting dumped and I wish she had just been honest instead of leading me on . I had a two week rule to let myself whine if I got hurt , and then I 'd feel better , but it couldn 't start until we ended it . As we walk up to the end of the line at the theatre , I 'm thinking that I have to get a grip because the girl at the end of the line looked too much like Lola . But , when we got there I realized it was her and she was not with her mother . If she was , her mother had an unbelievable resemblance to a young man . I pantomimed for my friends what was happening and we slowly backed away . That was the last time I saw her except a glance of her at a nightclub the next year . She had gained a lot of weight and I can 't say I didn 't smile to myself . But , I learned a valuable lesson . I was a little upset about what had happened but knew it was not serious enough to get me down for long . In school I talked to a female friend about it and said that if Lola had been honest with me , it would take less time to feel better . My friend asked me if I thought she herself was a good person . I said absolutely . She was great ( let me skip a semester once and gave me all her notes ) . Then she said , " I would have done exactly that she did . I know you shouldn 't , but I wouldn 't have been able to bear it otherwise . " I got it . Some people , maybe most people , were not just going to behave well in situations like this . But , it didn 't mean they were bad people . People do what they can and sometimes we are weak . It 's not an excuse for bad or selfish behavior , but it is an explanation . The fun of dating me - Malista - my early 30s . Malista was a friend 's secretary and we liked each other . So , I hit on her one Thanksgiving week and we started dating . She was another terrific person and we were later friends for years , but she was very insecure and emotional and I didn 't do well with that . She was also about ten years younger than me and had a little trouble understanding why I didn 't get upset and yell at her when her friends were late or why I didn 't seem to be stressed out about our dating . At first she had the crazy thought that maybe it was because I didn 't like her enough . No one she had dated had ever been as nice to her before or really nice to her at all ( I found that hard to believe , but she later told me this long after we were done ) . She also decided she liked me a lot , that she was my girlfriend ( for as long as a year after we stopped dating . Go figure . ) One night we had a date and she came over all decked out . When she saw me in jeans and sneakers her face went ashen . Hadn 't I remembered that we were going to go somewhere fancy for dinner ? No , I didn 't remember that at all . I thought we were just going to hang out and I had eaten dinner already . I could tell she was really upset . This was how she was used to being treated . I said I was sorry and that I would make it up to her next week . For now , I suggested , let 's just go to the mall for a movie and get something to eat there . So , I drove her to the mall , walked into the south entrance and took her to Burger King . Unbeknownst to me , taking her to BK was another insult to this young girl 's fragile self esteem . She was all dolled up and I was acting like it was nothing . Well , it was . But , it got worse for poor Malista . We ordered out food and I reached into my pocket . " Uh , I forgot my money . Do you mind paying ? " She didn 't tell me that night but she cried over this for days . I stopped dating her a few weeks or maybe a month or so later , because I couldn 't take the drama and told her so ( on the phone , naturally ) . She cried and I scolded her , telling her that she only thought she like me so much and wouldn 't even care in a week . She should stop crying . She did stop and when we spoke a week later , she did feel much better , even told me , without reference to what I had said to her the week before , that she realized we hadn 't dated that long and she wasn 't in love with me . Good enough for me . I took it . That should do it for now . Another successful post which will make you wonder if anything ever happened in my life that wasn 't embarrassing , dangerous or bad . But I just find this kind of stuff more fun than telling you how I threw 4 touchdown passes in a single game while playing for the Polk High School Panthers ( Al Bundy ) or that I tried the Penge - Bungalow murder case alone and without a leader ( Rumpole of the Bailey ) . I 'm still back in New York ( which I still call " home " when I am in Virginia ) and away from my beloved old , over - handled , poorly maintained , bindings broken paper library from which I gather most of my inspiration for this evalovin ' blog . I 'm a witness in a trial , which I won 't really talk about except to say it is sad to see a family disintegrate , but it is all too common over a parent 's estate , even when it is the last thing the parent would have wanted . Yccchh . I say again , yccchh . A political update is due ( my own self - imposed monthly schedule ) but I don 't much feel like it . So , I 'll just say , as follows about politics : Though I do not buy the Trumpian or tea partyish view of the president that he is not a patriot , that he is crooked and at the same time a Muslim and a bad Christian born in another country , I do think he is ill suited for the presidency in most respects and that he shares at least enough with socialists to believe that more spending , taxation and government are the answers , that our money is really on loan from the government and that the equality due us is not of opportunity but in assets and income . Leaving aside that Republicans are almost as bad as Democrats when it comes to these misapprehensions , I do want to see him lose the next election . But , I don 't want Newt Gingrich to win one either . Newt Gingrich has surged the last few weeks , for the most part based upon the fall of Herman Cain from the lead , of which now only the most die hard partisan or supporter can deny is likely true . But , Gingrich was already gaining a little bit when that happened . Cain supporters who need a new home will most likely look to Gingrich and that may give him what he needs to win Iowa and possibly New Hampshire and South Carolina . As has been pointed out many times by others , we pay the most attention to Iowa and New Hampshire because they come first , but South Carolina determines the nominee . However , the past is the past and every election something new seems to happen . But , while my predictions for who would run and who won 't have been very good , I was wrong about Gingrich running and wrong about how he would do . That 's one self - aggrandizing reason for wishing him to fail . My second reason is because he is , in my view , a religious bigot and no believer in the first amendment , which , also in my view , is the number one reason we have become a great country . My third reason is that he is way to partisan and narcissistic , even for a politician , to be president , and last , I think if nominated , Obama will be president for four more years . Conservatives , led by Rush Limbaugh have insisted they want a real conservative and only a real one can win . This is not only ironic , because Gingrich is hardly a conservative in the mold of Rush Limbaugh - he has more in common with liberals than Romney - but he will also lose the general election , because he will turn off a lot of independents more than Obama will . I still am calling Romney to win , because you can 't credibly switch every time someone new takes the lead . But , none of this is what I am writing about today . Instead , I want to go autobiographical ( which some of my few regular readers seem to prefer ) and write about something about as personal as you can get - the number of times I have almost offed myself . I mean accidentally , as , leaving aside a whimsical notion of blowing a cooling hole in my head with a shotgun when I had a bad migraine headache on a few occasion , I have never had a suicidal thought in my life . But , sometimes when driving along and having nothing to read I do think about how many times I have come close and for a long time have thought about a post recollecting them for posterity . For otherwise , when I go to the big buffet in the sky ( my secret hope ) , this crucial information will be lost forever . Some of these you may have read here before , but this is the first complete coverage . 1 . Once upon a time , when a mere youth , sometimes in the 60s , I was climbing a willow tree in my backyard . We had two willows , both of which were beautiful . Eventually , perhaps as proof how sayings are just sayings ( the willow bends in the wind but does not break ) , both of them broke in the wind . But , the one furthest away from my house was a frequent destination for me when I was young and imaginative , and I loved to climb it and imagine . One day , alone in my backyard , I began , slothlike , to inch my way upside down along a big branch , away from the main trunk . I can 't say how high it was - it 's just too long ago - but I doubt it was less than 6 feet or more than 10 feet off the ground . Suddenly , the branch clean snapped off and I plummeted to the ground head first with the branch over me . I landed square on my head and felt my neck bridge under me . I didn 't break my neck . It just hurt a lot . But , however old I was , it was old enough to realize that if I had hit a little harder , or my neck was a little more extended , I would have killed myself or paralyzed myself for life . I don 't think I 've ever told anyone this before . But , I survived . 2 . There have been several biking accidents from which I mysteriously walked away from without injury as if providence was intervening . Once when I was in my young teens I was riding my stingray bike ( I include a picture here as it is possible , you have no idea what that is , as I don 't believe they make them anymore ) . I was coming from a small stationary store and reading a comic book ( some habits die hard , although I am more attentive now when I read and drive ) . I rode my bike right into the back of a standing car , flew off the bike into the car at quite a high rate of speed . It really , really hurt . But , I survived . 3 . Later as a teenager I was with some friends returning from Oyster Bay where Teddy Roosevelt 's home was located . There are some very big hills there . We were coming down one ( I now owned a ten speed bike ) and due to gravity , were going almost as fast as the cars . I estimate about 35 miles per hour . I had a bike lock wrapped around the post for the seat and somehow it slid down and lodged itself between my rear brake pads . It stopped the back tire , causing me and the bike to flip rear tire over front . I came off the bike and began rolling down the hill much as you 'd expect . When I stopped rolling , I immediately stood up , expecting a bloody mess . But , I did not have a scratch . Nor , if I recall , did my bike . Odd , that one . But , I survived . 4 . I am in my late teens and at dinner with my fiancée and some other couple ( I think a couple who I haven 't spoken to in at least 30 years and have no idea what happened to as she got them in the future divorce ) at Red Lobster . I was eating a salad and got it into my Neanderthal head to try and swallow a cherry tomato whole . Sometimes I get confused between grape tomatoes and cherry tomatoes , so let me make it clear , this was the larger of the two . I did not know at this time that I had a very small opening for food ( I learned that when I was about 50 ) but I had a long history of choking on food , even when I wasn 't being almost preternaturally stupid . So , of course , it got stuck in my throat . While my friends chatted on I quietly sat there , tried to relax , and waited for it to go down , trying to breathe through my nose , which didn 't work so well either . I did not use the international sign for choking , for whatever good it would have done me . Instead , after a while , I took a sip of water . I expected to pass out any moment , when all of a sudden it went down . I think of that every single time I pass a Red Lobster . But , I survived . 5 . Somewhere around the same time , my fiancée and I were at a local community pool . She told me that her brother , who was my age , had done 10 somersaults underwater . So , being a boy , I determined to do 11 . And , I did . I also succeeded in making myself so dizzy that I literally could not find the surface . Finally , just about of air , I decided to just dead float and my fiancée , who was right there , would certainly rescue me . She did not , but when I relaxed , my head floated to the surface . I was not happy and asked her why she didn 't help me when I was flailing about . She said she thought I was trying to do one more . Well , that was fair . Anyway , I survived . 6 . I was 25 and in London in 1985 . It was my very first day out of the country . I was happily crossing Trafalgar Square , walking from Whitehall and crossing the big traffic circle towards the statue of Lord Nelson looking down upon us , if you are familiar with it . I was the only one in the street and no , I did not look the wrong way . I heard a motorcycle coming around the curve towards me and as it did not look like it was going to stop , turned to face it so that he could go around me . He did not look like he was going so I moved slightly to one side just as he began to turn in the same direction . Then I went the other way and so did he . This happened a few times as he approached - STILL NOT STOPPING - and I realized I might die . I let my arms fall to the side , tried to become loose ( I remembered that from somewhere ) and he hit me square on . I know I went in the air and that I landed on my backpack . I know I closed my eyes but I do not believe became unconscious . When I looked up there were a group of punkers ( if you are too young to know what that is , I have attached an example ) around me and I remember joking to myself that I hoped this wasn 't heaven . What I would call a brownie , that is , a women traffic cop , helped me to my feet and began talking to me . She was Scottish . I was deliriously happy to be alive . But , after a few seconds I said something like - I feel great , but I can 't understand a word you are saying . She helped me to the curb where I was approached by a number of American tourists who had taken pictures . A couple sent them to me , but I can only find one I had digitalized and it is from after the crash . You 'll notice I am covering something with my hand . It is my smashed camera . I don 't know why I thought that necessary , but , after all , I had been run over . I still felt great at this time , but later the pain , and a gigantic bruise that ran my entire lower left leg set in . It eventually turned black and then green and I thought I might have gangrene , but refused to give up my vacation and see a doctor . It turned out it was just a terrible bruise . However , there are some doctors who believe it was the genesis of my chronic leg pain / dysfunction , which began hurting the next year . Who knows ? But , I survived . 7 . Later that same trip I was in Amsterdam and waiting for a tram , which are virtually silent . While waiting , I decided to cross the tracks . As I did , I felt a hand grab my lapel and pull me backwards just before the near silent train crushed me . I never knew who do it , but if you are religious , you might start believing I had a guardian angel watching over me . But , I survived . 8 . A few years later ( 1990 ) I went to Greece and Turkey with a friend . We rented motor bikes . We decided to see what was at the top of the island and rode up . We found out what was there . A garbage dump . So , we turned around and headed down . Fortunately going fairly slowly still , my rear tire hit an oil patch and I was thrown off . I was able to avoid hitting my head or face , but tore up my right elbow and left knee fairly badly . I didn 't want to go to the hospital or doctor , so we just continued to the beach where I submerged my wounds in salt water . It hurt . Let me demonstrate about how much . Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ! But , I survived . 9 . On the way back to our hotel , my friend was ahead of me as I was now a little timid about riding the motorbike . I crossed a small bridge just as a large bus turned into it on the other side . There was no avoiding it and we passed each other with inches to spare . If I had been hit it would have slammed me into the wall to my right . I did not get hurt at all , and , more important , I survived . 10 . A few minutes later I suddenly felt a terrible pain in my throat near or on top of my Adam 's Apple . I still remember it as one of the most painful few minutes in my life until my throat surgery in December , 2009 . I did not want to stop as my friend was way ahead of me . When I finally caught up to him and pulled alongside , I asked him to see if my throat was bleeding . I was actually worried he would think I was imagining things . He reached over and pulled a long thistle out of my throat . It must have been blown along and just lodged in there . I don 't know how close to death this was , but , it is too weird a story to pass up . But , I survived . 11 . A few years later I was with the same friend and his girlfriend in Portugal ( I think around 1996 , but I could be wrong ) . We were at a castle on the Atlantic shore . While they wandered off I decided to get a picture of the pounding surf at the foot of the castle . I slowly extended my body over a rampart by hooking my insteps on the inside . I took the picture but then realized I was too far out . My friends were too far away too help . Slowly , like a worm I inched my way back , realizing the whole time that it would be really hard for them to explain to my daughter how I fell off a castle to my death . But , I survived . That 's all I can think of right now . I have had more lives than the proverbial cat . I have had many car accidents , but none have been serious at all . I have had two surgeries , but both were without complications . I have climbed small mountains and found myself in precarious positions , but always without incident . I have screwed up a zillion times , leaving myself at the mercy of the elements . I have been hospitalized a few times , once for a mysterious disease no doctor could figure out . But , all of these without mishap . My near misses have all been through stupidity or bad luck and not from the run of the mill accident or illness . I notice a couple of times that relaxing when things looked bad was the best thing I could do and I 'm grateful for whatever experiences taught me that . I have found that many times in my life doing nothing saves you , and not just in near death situations . Here 's a little from Lao Tze : Postscript : I forgot about this one . It is 1978 . I am just married or about to get married and have my first apartment . There is a gas stove . Neither of us has ever turned one on . So , I say ( I 'm not kidding about this either ) something like " I think we have to let the gas build up for a while . " So , after letting it do so , I light a match and literally blow myself across the room and into the wall . But , that 's not the funny part . I straighten up and say something like " Well , it probably hasn 't been lit in a while . " And I did the same thing again . After my second meeting with the wall , we called her mother , who said that we really shouldn 't be allowed to live by ourselves . Too true . But , I survived . I started this blog in September , 2006 . Mostly , it is where I can talk about things that interest me , which I otherwise don 't get to do all that much , about some remarkable people who should not be forgotten , philosophy and theories ( like Don Foster 's on who wrote A Visit From St . Nicholas and my own on whether Santa is mostly derived from a Norse god ) and analysis of issues that concern me . Often it is about books . I try to quote accurately and to say when I am paraphrasing ( more and more ) . Sometimes I blow the first name of even very famous people , often entertainers . I 'm much better at history , but once in a while I see I have written something I later learned was not true . Sometimes I fix them , sometimes not . My worst mistake was writing that Beethoven went blind , when he actually went deaf . Feel free to point out an error . I either leave in the mistake , or , if I clean it up , the comment pointing it out . From time to time I do clean up grammar in old posts as , over time I have become more conventional in my grammar , and I very often write these when I am falling asleep and just make dumb mistakes . It be nice to have an editor , but . . . . View my complete profile

Lately , this blog seems like a long , lost friend that I need to visit more often . More and more , I 'm finding it more difficult to make my way over here to blog . Sometimes , I 'm just not feeling it , and then when I am , I have other things to do . Such as the following … The past week went by in a whirl of activity . There 's something about the arrival of warm , sunny days that makes me want to clean and spruce up the place ! Therefore , the beginning of last week found me stripping old wax off the kitchen floor , and applying new wax . I know , waxing floors is a dying activity , but my floors aren 't the no wax kind - yet ! It took both Ed and myself to get the task done , but we made it ! We were so inspired by having a clean , shiny kitchen floor , the following day we began shampooing carpets , and spent the next two days doing that ! Unfortunately , I think I hurt my back , in the process , so it 's been aching for several days . Live and learn . In addition to cleaning floors , all week , I was trying to get ready for a yard sale , on Saturday . I 'd spend a couple of hours , here and there , working on that . Meanwhile , Ed finally got started building a small shelter to store his lawnmower under . I worry a bit about him , it 's his first real project since his heart attack , in October . Ed and I had our yard sale , on Saturday , along with our daughter and her husband . We held the sale at Ed 's parents ' house , and could not have asked for a prettier day ! The weather was cool and foggy , at first , but that soon gave way to glorious blue , sunny skies . We didn 't make a lot of money because we had our stuff priced cheap , but we got rid of a lot of stuff ! At one point , we gave a chair away , and when the chair wouldn 't fit into the lady 's car , our son put the chair in my van and delivered it to her house ! Prior to the yard sale , I worried about " Trouble " , the cat who lives alone at Ed 's parents ' house , because I was afraid she might get hit by a car , with all of the traffic coming to the sale . However , I think all of the yard sale activity was more than " Trouble " could stand , so she quickly disappeared until the end of the day . " Trouble " did have a close call earlier in the week , though , when she ran onto the highway to greet Ed as he was coming to feed her . My blood runs cold just thinking about it ! Speaking of " Trouble " , she was in " hog heaven " , on Friday night , when Ed and I took a break from pricing stuff , and shared a pizza at his parents ' house . We let her in the house with us , and she sat at the table and begged for scraps from our pizza , which we gladly shared . Then she wandered all around the house , looking at the boxes sitting all around . The whole situation makes me sad . Four years is a long time to live alone , at an empty house , but , at least , she has the visit from " the man with the can " to look forward to each day . In other news , Ed and I were tickled pink when we discovered that our garden peas have sprouted ! There 's a beautiful row of little green plants now decorating the row ! We 're hoping they will soon be joined by some potato sprouts . Our seedlings , growing in cups , are doing quite well , in spite of the fact that I dropped one of the trays , last week . What a mess that made , but the plants all seemed to have survived , believe it or not . We managed to have some great time , with family , on Saturday , when all the rest of our gang met up following the yard sale . The weather was so nice , the adults sat outside and watched the grandchildren all playing together . Actually , our oldest son , and perhaps the biggest kid of all , was pretending to be the wrestling announcer ( complete with a karaoke machine ) , while each child took a turn strutting up the steps and getting onto the trampoline they were using as a wrestling ring ! If I hadn 't been so tired , I surely would have taken some video of " the show " . As suppertime neared , our youngest son volunteered to go to town and pick up some food for supper . Praise the Lord for him , because this woman sure didn 't feel like cooking ! I think everyone enjoyed the food and the fellowship , I know I did , even if I had to enjoy much of it from my spot on the couch ! The rest of the weekend passed , and all too soon , it was time to change our clocks - all twelve of them ! Yes , Ed and I actually have twelve clocks ! Oh , how I dislike this time of the year , when the time changes ! In addition to adjusting all of those clocks , I 'll spend the next month trying to get my body clock readjusted . On that note , I 'll just say " Have a happy Monday " and get ready for my appointment at the dermatologist 's office . Fun times - not ! When I first posted " The Man With The Can " I had no idea my story would continue for so long , or take the twists and turns it has taken . It just goes to show , you never know . Here 's some brief background . Fifteen years or sixteen years ago , I adopted a gray kitten from Ed 's parents ' . I thought the kitten was a male , but it turned out to be a female . I named her " Trouble " , and she 's lived up to her name . Flash forward a few years … " Trouble " is a ' loner ' , couldn 't stand the other [ shelter ] cats I adopted , and eventually left home , ending up back at Ed 's parents ' house . By then , our youngest son , Brad , was living with Ed 's elderly , widowed , mom , so he took care of " Trouble " . Flash forward a few more years … Ed 's mom entered an assisted living facility , subsequently passed away , Brad got married and moved away . " Trouble " stayed behind , living at Ed 's parents ' house , where she 's been living alone ( or should I say without humans ? ) for the past three years or so . My husband , Ed , goes to the house and feeds her every afternoon . He 's " the man with the can . " Now , even though " Trouble " is a ' loner ' , somehow , stray cats manage to keep making themselves at home around her - at least for a little while . The latest newcomer is a large , young black male cat . He showed up , starving , so , of course , Ed fed him . He 's been hanging around for the past 3 or 4 months , even though our oldest son has tried to entice him to stay at his house . About a month ago , Ed and I saw a black carcass on the side of the busy highway that runs in front of Ed 's parents ' house . Our hearts sank , since we both just knew the black cat was dead . Later , that day , Ed took a shovel , intending to remove the cat 's carcass off the highway and bury it . Imagine his surprise when he discovered the carcass belonged to a skunk ! Now here 's where this story takes an interesting turn . A few days ago , Ed ran into his brother , who 's also our neighbor , and they began talking about this and that . In the course of the conversation , the subject of the black cat came up . It turned out that " Black Kitty " belongs to Ed 's brother and his wife ! You see , a couple of years ago , there were five kittens , belonging to a feral cat who 'd been living at Ed 's parents ' house , along with " Trouble " . The feral cat left , and gave birth to her kittens underneath our son 's house , which is located near by . After about 3 weeks , something happened to the mama cat , leaving behind five very tiny kittens , not quite old enough to fend for themselves . Ed was doing the best he could , feeding them softened canned cat food , when , one day , an old red tom cat showed up and literally carried all five kittens into a thicket that grows in the middle of the family farm . We later found one of the kittens at Ed 's parents ' house , and were able to rescue and adopt it . I named her " Baby " . In thinking back , when " Baby " was still a kitten , a black kitten showed up at our house , one weekend . The kitten and " Baby " spent all weekend playing together , outside , then I saw the strangest thing happen . I saw that same red tom cat [ who 'd stolen the kittens before ] sneak into our yard , pick the black kitten up , and drag him off , toward my BIL 's house ! I 'll bet that little black kitten was " Black Kitty " , and , apparently , the red tom cat wanted him to go " home " . Epilogue : It 's been a long , long time since we 've seen the red tom cat . He used to come and join " Trouble " for supper , occasionally , but now he doesn 't . I 've often wondered where he is , and thought about how he " mothered " all those little abandoned kittens , for a time . I believe there are angels among us , in all forms . How about you ? ( 1 ) No , I haven 't died or dropped off the face of the earth . I 've just been trying to get through the days , one at a time . Some days are better than others , but there haven 't been any good days [ with my back ] for about a week . I 'm assuming it 's because the Prednisone has completely worn off . Bummer . ( 2 ) After going for weeks without any rain , we 've been experiencing afternoon thunder showers every day - including on the Fourth of July . Fortunately , I 'd planned to have our family ' picnic ' indoors . Eventually , before the end of the day , the kids managed to steal a few minutes to play in the rain , and in the swimming pool , but Ed got sprinkled on while doing the grilling . ( 3 ) Some folks in our area got a lot more than a thunder shower on July 4th . They lost their electricity , for part of the day , and some of the streets , in nearby Savannah , were flooded . Facebook 's feed was filled with photos of folks floating down the flooded streets on tubes ! I guess that could be classified as " making the best of a bad situation . " ( 4 ) Ed discovered that our one - and - only convenience store was closed on July 4th , when we needed to buy a bag of ice . So much for convenience … He had to drive another six miles just to buy some ice . You 'd think all convenience stores would be open on July 4th , wouldn 't you ? ( 5 ) Our youngest son was baptized on the Friday morning before the Fourth of July . He didn 't let anybody know he was going to do this , other than his wife , and the pastor , of course . He chose to be baptized the old - fashioned way , in the river . This mother was a little bit disappointed that she missed this special moment in her youngest son 's life , but is happy for him , none - the - less . ( 6 ) Speaking of special moments in one 's life - that same youngest son will turn " 30 " on this coming Saturday . Where has the time gone ? It seems like only yesterday he wasn 't much bigger than his son , Evan , who will soon turn two ! A lot of things have changed since last year 's birthday celebration . In addition to everyone being another year older , Ed 's retired , both Brad and Jennifer have new jobs , and Brad and Jennifer have moved out of their home in the city and back to our hometown . None of these changes were expected , last year , with the exception of everyone growing older . ( 7 ) Speaking of special moments and milestones , today is my daughter and her husband 's wedding anniversary ! They were married on a very hot July evening , fourteen years ago . All anniversaries are special , but , I think , this one just might have a little more meaning to them than some in the past . I wish the two of them many more happy years ahead ! ( 8 ) I received my packet of ' new patient forms ' [ for my neurologist appointment , in two weeks ] , yesterday . They 're a bit overwhelming , and it may take me the next two weeks just to get them filled out . I 've never had to ' bubble in ' ovals ( with a # 2 pencil , no less ) on patient information forms before ! I 'm both looking forward to and dreading this appointment , all at the same time . ( 9 ) Lately , we 've been letting our newer flock of hens out to ' free range ' late in the afternoons . We give them about an hour , at the end of each day , to roam out of their pen . They seem to enjoy this time , and look forward to it very much . The two older red hens [ who free range all the time ] tried to act like bullies , at first , but things seem to be getting better now that it 's been a few days . ( 10 ) It 's been three days since Ed 's seen " Trouble " the cat . For three days in a row , she 's been a ' no show ' at feeding time . We were sure something had happened to her because , normally , she 's always at the house , waiting to be fed . Yesterday , we found out that she 's been visiting with our oldest son and his family , again ! He said that his little boys have been feeding her and trying to get her to stay . I hope she does , but I won 't hold my breath ! " Trouble " has a mind of her own . If you are a regular reader here , you are probably familiar with our continuing saga of the cats at Ed 's late parents ' house . I 've posted about ' The Man With the Can ' HERE and HERE if you would like to catch up on the story . Today 's story picks up where the last story left off . Let me begin by saying that ' Trouble ' is still alive and doing well for a cat of her age . Ed began giving her 1 / 2 can of cat food , along with her dry food , after her last health issue . Trouble absolutely loves canned cat food ! Every afternoon you will find Trouble sitting under the carport waiting for her evening meal . Recently , she 's picked up the bad habit of coming to meet Ed 's car , which worries us somewhat . Trouble knows our vehicles , and , sometimes , will start to head toward Ed 's car , while he 's waiting to turn in off of the busy highway . It would be easy for an accident to happen now that she 's started doing this . Sigh . ' Jo Jo ' , the gray kitten who found his way to our house , about a year ago , is alive and doing well . He 's become a full - fledged tom cat , these days . He picked a fight with every cat on the place , once his testosterone kicked in ! I 'd love to have him neutered , but he 's become a bit skittish since his hormones kicked in . He 's not gentle and loving like he used to be . Besides , I once had a bad experience while having a ' skittish ' cat ' fixed ' , and I 'm in no mood to go through that experience again ! ( My cat attacked the vet tech , and it cost me a lot of money ( and heartache ) when they kept my cat under quarantine for 10 extra days ! ) The bottom line is , ' Jo Jo ' will not be getting neutered . Which brings me to the cream - colored kitten we adopted back at the beginning of the summer . As far as I know , this kitten is the only survivor out of the litter of ' Rainbow Kittens ' . If the circumstances had been different , and we hadn 't been able to bring it home , I 'm quite sure this kitty wouldn 't be alive today . It had a respiratory virus , a ton of fleas , and was nothing but skin and bones , covered with fluff when we brought it home . The kitty turned out to be a ' she ' , and after giving much thought about what to name her , I decided on the name of ' Baby ' . It fit her perfectly , since she 's " the baby " at our house - and she knows it , too ! After a lot of time and TLC , ' Baby ' has finally grown into a healthy , beautiful cat . Now , Baby is technically Jo Jo 's niece , since his sister gave birth to the litter of ' Rainbow Kittens ' . They 've actually got a family connection . From the day we first brought Baby home , Jo Jo took a real liking to Baby ! Unfortunately , Jo Jo 's testosterone was kicking in about then , and he kept trying to do ' nasty things ' to our little baby ! It was pathetic . Poor Baby just thought Jo Jo wanted to play with her ! After much scolding , on our part , and some thinking on his part , Jo Jo finally figured out Baby wasn 't old enough for sex . Since then , he 's become her best friend and protector , while biding his time for her to mature ! The two eat together , daily , and can be seen playing together each morning and afternoon . Speaking of a ' family connection ' , Baby has a family connection with another cat at our house , too ! She comes from the same descendants as our cat , ' Charlie ' , whom we got from Ed 's parents , quite a few years ago . Baby and Charlie 's family connection is quite evident through their appearance ! The two , also , share the honors of being the youngest and oldest members of our feline family . The months have passed quickly , and , now , the time has come for Baby to go to the vet to be spayed . There 's no way I 'd not have this done , especially with Jo Jo lurking around waiting ! I 've taken dozens of cats to have this procedure done , but it never gets easier . I do not like caging my babies , then leaving them in a strange place ! Please keep ' Baby ' in your thoughts and prayers ( and me , too ) as we begin our ' spaying adventure , ' early tomorrow morning . I 'll be glad when it 's over , and Baby is safely home again ! Actually , the real adventure will begin tonight , when I have to keep Baby in the house , but separated from the baby chicks ! Wish me luck 🙂 My story begins eighteen months ago , when our youngest son and his wife moved out of Ed 's mom 's house , and left two cats behind . For a brief moment , they considered taking the old cat named Trouble with them , but decided Trouble was too old and set in her ways to successfully relocate . The second cat , aptly named ' Feral Kitty ' , was simply too wild to catch . Ed and I promised to feed the cats each day , for as long as they lived at the empty house . Ed 's not only kept that promise , he 's done more . For a while , Ed was feeding five cats instead of two , then one of the kittens disappeared . Ed had been working on taming the kittens , by trying to rub them while they ate . He had only been successful with one kitten , which , unfortunately , disappeared when it was just a few weeks old . The mama cat eventually took the two remaining kittens to our oldest son 's house , where Ed continued feeding them . Eventually , one of the two remaining kittens actually found its way from our son 's house to our house ! I joked and said he followed ' the man with the can ' home . I was able to tame this kitten , who turned out to be a male . I named him ' Jo Jo ' , and he still lives with us today . The other kitten remained at our son 's house , where Ed continued feeding her on a daily basis , in addition to the scraps she got from our son and his family . Ed was never able to tame this cat , but our grandson named it ' Stranger Cat ' . This cat turned out to be a female . Shortly after the first of this year , strange tom cats began turning up at our son 's house - first a black one , then a red one ! Before long , it became obvious that ' Stranger Cat ' was going to have kittens . Ed continued feeding her , and was actually able to pet the cat a few times , while she was pregnant . Stranger Cat gave birth to six kittens around the end of March , then promptly disappeared about four weeks later . ( We assume something killed her . ) The kittens were very small when their mom disappeared , but , somehow , they were able to eat well enough to survive . Unfortunately , they were as wild as their mother had been ! Ed fed them daily , and tried to pet them while they ate - unsuccessfully - except for one … I 'd usually be cooking supper when Ed would go feed the cats , but he 'd give me a cat report each day . The kittens were several weeks old before I ever saw them , but Ed kept referring to this one cute " gray colored " kitten he 'd been able to pet . He spoke of this kitten fondly . When I finally saw the kittens , I dubbed them the " Rainbow Kittens " because they were so many different colors . There were black ones , a tabby one , and one cream - colored kitten - but here wasn 't a gray kitten in the bunch ! The " gray colored " kitten Ed kept referring to was actually a cream - colored kitten - with dark brown markings , and beautiful blue eyes ! The kitten looked exactly like our old cat , Charlie - who came from Ed 's parents ' house , many years ago ! One day last week , I rode with Ed to feed the kittens . When we drove up , there wasn 't a kitten in sight . Ed beat on the bowl with a spoon and , soon , cats began jumping out of the over - growth in the field between us and our son 's house ! We , also , noticed a large red tom cat was with them , watching us from a distance . A couple of days later , no kittens showed up for supper . Ed wondered if the red tom cat had something to do with their disappearance . Later that afternoon , Ed spotted three of the kittens near his brother 's house , which is also located on the family farm . Those little kittens had made their way to the opposite end of the grown - up field ( about 1 / 4 mile away ) ! The following day , Thursday , our aunt called to ask if we were missing any kittens . Two of the kittens had shown up at her house , located on the far side of the grown up field ! Wild kittens were showing up everywhere . On Friday afternoon , Ed stopped by his mom 's house . Trouble was there , as usual , along with Ed 's friend , the cream - colored kitten ! It was simply amazing that kittens so little , were making their way around a 30 acre farm - and surviving ! That little kitten followed Ed 's every step on Friday afternoon ! It was obvious that he recognized ' the man with the can ' , and he was hungry ! It wasn 't long before we heard a cat meowing from the edge of the field , so we turned to see who it was . It was the same red tom cat we 'd seen in the edge of the field , a few days before . He was apparently calling the little cream - colored kitten ! It was then we figured out that the red tom cat had taken all of the kittens into the over - grown field with him ! Was he trying to find homes for them , or was he trying to get them lost ? Perhaps he was just trying to teach them how to hunt . We 'll never know . Long story made a little shorter , Ed and I ended up bringing the cream - colored kitten home with us that day . The kitten was so little , and so pitiful , I couldn 't leave it behind , at the mercy of that red tom cat ! The kitten wasn 't much more than a little fur ball of skin and bones . The kitten 's fur was filled with trash from being in the under - brush of the field , and its little eyes and nose were runny because it had a cold . I have no idea whether this kitten is a he or a she , because it 's still too small for me to be able to tell . It 's been with us for four days , and has made itself at home on our front porch ! I 've been feeding it three times a day , and it 's beginning to put on a little weight . It still has a bit of a cold , but I 'm hoping time will take care of that . I can 't help but wonder if those other kittens are surviving , and , if so , where they are . I don 't know what the future holds for our newest family member , but I know it has a home here , for as long as it wants one . I haven 't chosen a name for kitty , but perhaps I should call it " Lucky " , because it 's just that ! Trouble , the cat , became very sick a few weeks ago , and we thought her end was near . ( After all , she 's very old . ) Trouble wasn 't able to eat much food , she lost weight , and even had labored breathing for several days . We basically said our goodbyes to her , during that time . Then , out of the blue , she began to eat and act normal again ! We 've decided that Trouble must have gotten something hung in her throat , which prevented her from eating , and made it difficult to breathe . Whatever it was , must have finally dislodged . Of course , we 'll never know , for sure , but that 's Ed 's speculation . Trouble continues to greet ' the man with the can ' each and every day ! Ed feeds her , and leaves a little extra - in case a hungry kitten wanders by … The saga of ' Trouble and the man with the can continues ' … It 's been a fast - paced , crazy week at our house , and I can 't believe it 's already Friday ! I must admit , sometimes I get a bit over - whelmed by how quickly time is passing . Every time I turn around , it 's time to refill my weekly medication dispenser ! I sometimes feel like time is running out , and I wonder if anyone else my age feels the same way . All of this being said , since it 's Friday again , I 'm posting a few fragments . Yesterday was my brother 's birthday . He 's nine years my senior , and to see us together , you 'd think it was the other way around ! I always tell him that he got all of the good genes in the family 🙂 I wish I could have spent the day with him , eating a piece of German Chocolate Cake , which happens to be his favorite , but we live nearly 200 miles apart . These days , our visits are fewer , but always special . Sure hope he had a great birthday , and that we 'll get together again soon . Every day , without fail , my husband , Ed , goes to his mom 's house to feed ' Trouble ' , the cat . ( His mom 's deceased , but the cat still chooses to live at the house . ) Ed 's been doing this for over a year , because ' Trouble ' is too old and ornery to relocate anywhere else . Anyway , I hadn 't seen ' Trouble ' in a while , so I decided to ride with him , yesterday , to feed her . It 's a good thing I did ! Last summer , I ran out of freezer space while canning vegetables from our garden . I decided to put the remainder of my vegetables in the side - by - side refrigerator , at Ed 's mom 's house . ( His mom was living in an assisted living home , back then . ) While I was visiting ' Trouble ' , I decided to check on the refrigerators . ( Ed 's mom had two of them , because her house has two kitchens . ) Lo and behold , the refrigerator with all of the vegetables in its freezer had stopped working ! The freezer had thawed in the top , but , thank goodness , the bottom area was still frozen . I lost all of our corn - on - the - cob , but managed to save everything else . Praise the Lord ! If I had to give up something , I 'm grateful it was only corn - on - the cob , which I don 't cook a lot of . One more day , and I would 've lost everything ! Speaking of Ed 's mother , it 's only taken the Veteran 's Administration four months to figure out the lady is deceased ! Ed filed the necessary paperwork , two weeks after she passed away , but for four long months , the VA has continued to direct deposit checks into her bank account anyway ! Finally , after numerous phone calls from Ed , and four months worth of checks , they realized their error , and contacted us to return the money . That 's our government at work ! Better late than never , I suppose . On Wednesday , I 'd asked for prayers concerning our son - in - law , who has been out of work since just before Christmas . Several of you told me you were praying . God is listening , and possibly answering . We 'll know more in a few days , but something could possibly be ' in the works ' . I sure hope so ! Please continue to pray . These are tough economic times we 're living in , and jobs ( of any kind ) are scarce . Thursday morning , I had the opportunity to spend some one - on - one time with our next - to - the - youngest grandson , Chase . It was just the two of us , all morning , and this doesn 't happen often . He just turned two , and is quite a character , guaranteed to make you laugh if you spend much time around him . See that green ' lovey ' in the picture ? It 's a frog blanket , and I 'm always aggravating Chase about wanting to keep it for myself , because I like frogs . On Thursday , Chase hid his ' lovey ' from me , and had me searching everywhere for it before he finally showed me where he hid it ! Chase does things like that , and just smiles about it . I believe we might have a ' practical joker ' in the making ! Is anyone else watching this season of Downton Abbey ? This year , there seems to be a lot more drama in the servant 's quarters than in the main house - or should I say the castle ? Who would 've thought it ? If you haven 't watched this show , yet , you 're missing out . The plot is filled with more twists , turns , ups and downs than a roller coaster ! I got a new Kindle for my birthday , back in August . I haven 't done much with it , because , honestly , it has been a bit overwhelming to me . Why , oh why don 't Kindles ( and computers ) come with instruction manuels ? ? ? I 've had a hard time trying to figure things out on my own ! Yesterday , I finally got brave enough to download my first e - book on it . It 's a strange experience , reading without having to turn pages or hold a book open , but I think I 'm going to like it ! The book I 'm reading ? Lone Survivor , the book from which the current popular movie , by the same name , was made . Can anyone say , intense reading material ? ? ? It 's Wednesday again , and , today , that means two things . Number one , it means I finally have an appointment to have my mammogram done . Number two , it means it 's time to join in with The Hodgepodge . I like number two the best , so let 's hop right to it , shall we ? As always , thanks to our gracious hostess , Joyce , for hosting . You can join in The Hodgepodge by clicking Joyce 's button at the top of this post . Here are this week 's questions : Failure has taught me that I am not , nor will I ever be , perfect . It also taught me that my plans are not always God 's plans ! Last , but not least , that if given the chance , I shouldn 't be afraid to " dust off my pants " and try again whenever I fail . I 'm glad I made the decision to become engaged and married to Ed ! I spent my last two years of high school , engaged and sitting home alone , while Ed served his tour of duty overseas . Many well - meaning people tried to tell me I was " wasting the best years of my life " by being engaged so young . They were wrong ! The best years of my life were yet to come , and I wouldn 't change a single thing ! 3 . I 've been a little bit surprised to see fully lit and decorated Christmas trees popping up for the past several weeks in friend 's Instagram feeds . So tell the truth - is your tree up and decorated , and if so when did that happen ? If not , when will you be decking the halls ? No , I do not have any of my Christmas tree ( s ) up yet , but I do have my year ' round tree decorated for Thanksgiving ! It 's covered in pilgrims , turkeys , and pumpkins of all kinds . I do not believe in decorating for Christmas until after Thanksgiving , so I 'll begin decorating for Christmas the weekend following Thanksgiving . First things first ! Yes , I 've frequently been asked to leave reviews for various products , that I 've purchased on line . I 'm always honest , and fortunately , most of my reviews have been favorable . I would like to do a review of my new washing machine , but the jury 's still out on that one , so I 'll wait a bit longer ! The feral mother cat disappeared , never to be seen again , as well as one of her kittens . The other two kittens are alive and doing well . Then , of course , there 's ' Trouble ' , who continues to live up to her name … Ed , the man with the can , continues to feed these misplaced cats daily . Here 's the latest news : After staying at our son 's house for well over a week , ' Trouble ' , the cat , has , once again , moved back to Ed 's mom 's house ! I don 't know what that cat is thinking ! Currently , one gray kitten , who 's still pretty wild , is at our son 's house , the other gray kitten , ' Jo Jo ' , is at our house , and ' Trouble ' is back living alone at my in - law 's empty house . This breaks my heart . It 's like she 's waiting for someone to come back home … On a happier note , ' Jo Jo ' , the former feral kitten , is doing great ! Somehow , ' Jo Jo ' found his way to our house one day , and has made it his permanent home ! It took me about two months to tame him . ' Jo Jo ' follows me everywhere , and not only will he now let me pick him up - he demands it ! That cat just can 't get enough attention ! He loves to be rubbed and talked to , and , just like his cousin , ' Trouble ' , ' Jo Jo ' drools on me when I rub him and talk to him ! ' Jo Jo ' often sits outside the kitchen window and meows for my attention . Ed sold his little silver Neon to our daughter , a while back , and that move thoroughly confused these cats ! For a while , the cats continued to greet the little silver car , thinking Ed was bringing food for them . They 've since learned that food now comes in my little black PT Cruiser or in grandpa 's old truck , which now belongs to Ed . I 'm rolling into the second half of 2013 by joining The Hodgepodge , as usual . Joyce has prepared another great set of questions , this week , some with a patriotic flair . As always , you can join in , or simply read and compare answers by clicking the button at the top of my post . By the way , I hope you have a safe and happy Fourth of July tomorrow ! Probably not , but we 've been known to host a few family parties . The main rooms in our home are larger than most average homes , so we adequate space for our growing family . We also have a nice , shady yard , and we 're not above bringing out the folding tables and lawn chairs ! See what I mean ? When I last wrote about my husband , Ed 's , feeding adventures with his mom 's abandoned cats , " Trouble " , a very old cat , had left my MIL 's house , and moved in with our oldest son and his family ( again ) . The mama cat and her three kittens remained at MIL 's house . For the past three weeks , Ed 's been feeding cats at two different houses ! Normally , " Trouble " is usually waiting for Ed , on the porch steps of our son 's house , each day . She comes out to greet him whenever he stops . For several days , " Trouble " disappeared , and we feared the worst . Then one day , she was back , like nothing had ever happened ! Recently , the mama cat relocated her three kittens to our son 's house , too , however she went back to my MIL 's house - presumably to hang out with a large orange tomcat ! ( Uh oh ! ) The kittens quickly made themselves at home , at our son 's house , but one of the three has since disappeared . Last week , " Trouble " decided to move back to my MIL 's house - - presumably to get away from those pesky kittens ( again ) ! " Trouble " doesn 't like other cats , and doesn 't seem to mind relocating , in an effort to avoid them . This makes her fifth relocation ! Yesterday , Ed came home reporting that the two remaining kittens are back at his mom 's house , too , along with their mama , that orange tomcat , and " Trouble " ! We can 't help but wonder what " Trouble " will do next . To be continued … Hello May ! Hello Wednesday ! Hello Hodgepodge ! Hello visitors ! I 'm so glad you stopped by . Below you will find Joyce 's questions , along with my answers for this week . Don 't forget to click Joyce 's button at the top of this post if you 'd like to join in the mid - week fun ! 1 . When the children of today grow up , what do you think they 'll say about this period in time ? What do you most hope they remember ? I 'm sure today 's children will remember technology . They 'll have fond memories of all of the gadgets and games they grew up with . Perhaps they will remember the corruption of politics , their loss of freedom , and the decline of morals within society , too . As for what I hope today 's children will remember ? I hope they 'll always remember faith and family . These two things will carry them through life , no matter what is going on in the world around them . Although it 's kind of sad , I can only think of one teacher who positively impacted me . I was the shy kid , who just wanted to get lost in the crowd . As a result , I didn 't receive a lot of special attention from the majority of my teachers . Egg custard pie ! Mama was noted for making the best egg custard pies . I have her recipe , but the ones I make just aren 't the same as mama 's . 4 . Mother May I was a game we played when I was growing up … no pieces , parts , or plugs required . What games from childhood do you remember loving that were also pieces , parts , and plug - free ? My maternal grandmother greatly influenced me while I was growing up . She was a wonderful lady , and I always wanted to grow up to be just like her . Because of her , I wanted to learn how to cook , sew , embroider , and crochet - and be a good wife and mother , of course ! The best play I 've ever seen was a version of " The Wizard of Oz " at the Savannah Civic Center . My favorite musical ( on film ) is " Grease " . I 've never seen a live musical . Trouble , the cat , has since moved again ! As of last week , she 's moved to our oldest son 's house . Trouble is a bit of a loner , and I think the three kittens may have proved to be too much for her ! My husband , Ed , now feeds the cats at his mom 's house , then stops by our son 's house and gives Trouble her share of the food , too . She 's waiting on the steps for him every day . Now there 's a man with a heart of gold - and I didn 't ask him to do this either ! For as long as I can remember , Ed 's parents have had cats at their house . Like most farmers , Ed 's daddy kept cats around to help with the problem of mice . My father - in - law always seemed to enjoy having cats around . My mother - in - law - not so much ! In her older years , she fussed a lot about the cats getting under her feet , and was always afraid they 'd make her fall . Now that I 'm growing older , with cats under my feet , I 'm beginning to better understand her fears . It 's a funny thing , cats never seem to last long at Ed 's parents house . Their house is close to a busy highway , which has claimed more than its share of victims , but their house is also close to some wooded areas , which serve as homes for wild coyotes and other creatures . Occasionally , a cat will live a long and prosperous life there . " Trouble " , the cat , has been one of those exceptions . I actually adopted " Trouble " from my in - laws , many years ago , and brought her to live at our house . We thought ' she ' was a ' he ' when we got her - hence , her name ! After living with us for several years , " Trouble " decided to leave home because she didn 't like all the new animals I kept bringing home from the shelter . For a while , she stayed with one neighbor or another , then " Trouble " actually moved back to my in - laws house ! " Trouble " used to hitch a ride home with me when I 'd visit there , but she would always end up going back to my in - laws house . Our son , Brad , lived with his " Mema " during her final few years of living at home . When Trouble moved in , she joined a couple of feral cats who were already living there . Brad would occasionally let " Trouble " inside of the house to keep him company , and the two became buddies . Time passed . Ed 's mom moved to the assisted living home , and Brad got married and eventually moved away . Brad considered taking " Trouble " with him when he moved , but decided she may not adapt well to the move since she 's so old . Besides , " Trouble " and his new bride weren 't exactly the best of friends ever since " Trouble " went to the bathroom on Jennifer 's pajama bottoms ! By the time Brad moved , only two cats were left at my MIL 's house - " Trouble " and one feral cat . Everyone said not to feed them , then they would relocate , but I just couldn 't stand to do it . I began putting some dry food in a feeder , every other day , but soon every wild thing within a mile began coming over to eat out of the feeder - including some skunks ! These days , Ed stops by every day , after work , to check the mail and feed the cats , but only as much as they will eat immediately . Sometimes I 'll join him for the feeding trip on the weekends . Recently I was surprised to discover that the feral cat now recognizes Ed 's car , and runs up to meet him when he arrives ! She 'll even let him pet her , occasionally . A while back , the feral cat managed to get herself pregnant . Now Ed 's feeding five cats instead of two ! We had to start buying canned food , in addition to dry food , so the kittens would be able to eat , too . It never ends . I can 't help but wonder how long it will be before those cats recognize Ed 's car and run out to greet the man with the can , too ! The other day Ed said to me , " I don 't know why we 're doing this . We 'll feed these cats , then they 'll breed . Soon we 'll have a whole passel of cats ! " My reply was , " Yes , but they 'll help keep down the rats ! " ( It 's what Ed 's dad would 've said . ) I can see the future now . One of these days we 'll put a sign out in front of my MIL 's house . It will read : HOUSE FOR SALE - Includes a passel of free cats … to help control the mice population !

Live albums . Albums that record a band performing live in concert . Let 's face it , most artists are much better in the studio rather than performing on stage . In the studio , you can correct mistakes , rerecord until it sounds the way you want it to . You can put multiple tracks over each other called over dubbing and make the sound fuller and more rounded . It takes a special artist to be able to give a live performance that sounds as good as the sound from the studio , if not better , in front of a live audience . These are a few live albums that define an artist as being able to do on stage what they accomplish in the studio . The Allman Brothers were more a less a regional group with a huge following in the southern states , particularly in Georgia , Alabama and Florida . Their studio albums had not been well received outside the south and even in the south fans preferred to see them live than listen to the studio takes . When they went north and decided to cash in on their fans love of their live shows they decided to record it . The result was an album that was an immediate hit and climbed the charts extremely quickly . Suddenly the Allman Brothers Band were nationally known and going on tours would find all of their shows sold out . Eventually they became part of the first wave of artist that were selling out stadiums . When playing this album sided with their studio albums , it is clear that this was a band made to play live . The southern blues that would produce songs on the stage that had a lot of improvisation put into the songs that would last well over the usual four to five minutes . Shortly after the release of this album the groups leader , Duane Allman , died in a motorcycle accident but as the years have gone by , this band is still known as a concert group and they have released more live albums than most any other group in the modern era of rock . . Peter Framptom is a guitar player who is considered one of the better guitarists out there . In his early days in the late sixties he was a member of a band called Humble Pie . Humble Pie had several great musicians but were only able to garner a small , albeit faithful fan base . Frampton came to a point where he wanted to do his own sound , his own songs and so Humble Pie disbanded and Peter Frampton set out on a solo career that did not fair much better than Humble Pie had . The same fans that had followed Humble Pie followed Frampton and so his four solo albums were never really high on the charts , that is until the summer of 1976 . As Framptom was setting out on an US tour , A & M executives noticed how responsive his fans were to his live show . They decided to try to capture this magic and set up a recording of his shows in San Fransisco that spring . The result was a live album that broke all sales records for not only a live album but also shattered records for a muti - disc album sales . The album threw Frampton into the elite of rock and several singles were released from the album , marking an extremely rare practice of live singles , something that had not really been seen before . The singles showed the same success as the album had shown . Frampton went back to studio recording after the live album and sales sunk back down clearly defining Peter Frampton as a live act , not a studio act . Unlike the previous two artists listed here , Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina had a rather large and enthusiastic following . Kenny Loggins was know for his exemplary songwriting and a large number of his songs had been covered throughout the industry . When the two teamed up writing songs , hit after hit came from their studio albums . On the road in concert , they sold out venue after venue although they never entered the stadium rock roster of acts . When this album was released , it showed how strong they were not only on stage , but as individual musicians . The album opens up with Kenny Loggins on stage with an acoustic guitar alone , singing some of his wider known songs that he had written and had been covered . Then in the middle of the last song of Loggins solo part , the band suddenly shows up and joins in to finish off the song . The real Loggins and Messina act then begins and Jim Messina joins Loggins on the stage to rip through their catalogue of hits that they had accrued over the years . The result is a clean sounding , very tight band singing songs that were legitimate hits , The harmonies are fantastic as the two run through the set . It is an example of how a great studio group can also be a great group on stage . When it was released it was a surprise to the industry doing much better than expected and still one of my go to live albums . Paul McCartney needs no introduction to my readers . Nor do the two other members of Wings , Linda McCartney and Denny Laine . This was recorded in several cities , including Kansas City , during McCartney 's first United States tour since the Beatles had split up . McCartney , of course , had an astonishing number of hits going into this tour and they perform them all . A couple of Beatles tunes are thrown into the mix , but for the most part this is McCartney and his work . There was no cutting out some of the songs from the set list making it a huge three album set that once the listener started listening to the opening number " Venus and Mars " made it very difficult to stop listening to until you had reached the end of side six and even then McCartney left the listener wanting more . McCartney is awesome in a live atmosphere , this is no surprise , and so it is no surprise that this album is as good as a live album can get . Picking and choosing the best performances of each song from the recordings of individual concerts makes sure that everything hits on target in this album . The album itself , becomes McCartney 's best concert ever . This is not the best live album ever recorded but it is one of the most important ones . Eric Clapton had spent years addicted to hard drugs and alcohol . After a short career that would be the envy of any guitar player in the sixties ( John Mayall and the Blues Breakers , The Yardbirds , Blind Faith , Cream , Derek and the Dominos ) Clapton had found himself alone and in too bad of shape to even grant himself a job as a studio musician . With the help of a lot of his friends from the industry , Clapton went in to rehab and cleaned himself up and began to play the guitar again . After a year or so of being clean , these friends formed a back up band for Clapton and set up a concert at The Rainbow Room in London . It was to be Clapton 's coming back performance taking his place back where he belonged , at the top . The band was an impressive list of names that the reader may or may not know . Ronnie Wood , Pete Townsend , Jim Capaldi , Rick Grech , and Stevie Winwood among others . The concert proved to be a success in getting Clapton back on the road to his music making and made for a pretty good concert album . The sound quality is not the best , the band is not as tight as one would expect , but still , to hear those three guitars of Clapton , Townsend and Wood all playing together along with the keys of Stevie Winwood , the album brings itself together . It is the documentation of the comeback of a musical icon , and if this concert had not happened , the music world may have lost out on many many great blues songs that Clapton brought to us . Okay , do I really need to describe this album ? The title alone says all there is to say . Two of the jazz world 's greatest pianists EVER playing in duet together on the same stage at the same time . They team up together to play some of each others best known works for an hour and a half . The sound is crystal clear . The pianos play off of each other in a way that even during the improvisations that jazz demands , the pianos stay tight and together . This is jazz at it 's finest moment in my mind . Sure there are a lot of live jazz albums out there , most of them are very good but this album . . . . . THIS album is staggering . I honestly don 't know what else to say about it . It is an album that I stumbled across many many years ago and I have never let it go . I have shared it with cousins and Uncles and friends . Any lover of jazz , especially jazz piano , will find this work relaxing and encompassing . If you ever get a chance to hear this thing . . . . do it . This is a different kind of live album . It opens with a live performance on stage and closes with a live performance on stage , but a lot of the album are live cuts that were recorded on the tour bus and in hotel rooms . This album gives us Jackson Browne in his purest form . While the recordings taken from concerts are great , it is the acoustic improvisational Browne riding on a bus or sitting in a hotel room with his band and friends . It is a relaxed Jackson Browne . It shows us how much this singer / songwriter loves his music and how much he enjoys it . It is a simple album . It is easy to listen to and fun to listen . Add in the fact that every song on this album is a gem and you got a live album like none other . I like thinking outside of the box and in putting this album together , Jackson Browne certainly shows us that he is capable of that . These recordings make up an album that rival Browne 's better known studio albums in the must have Jackson Browne category . A real find and a real pleasure to listen to and enjoy . This is more than a Frank Sinatra album . Sinatra is accompanied by Count Basie and his orchestra and the songs are arranged and conducted by Quincy Jones . It was recorded in 1966 so if you are looking for live versions of " My Way " or " New York , New York " you won 't find them here . Instead what you get is Sinatra doing some of his classics like " Fly Me To The Moon " and " My Kind Of Town " . The newest song in this set is probably " It Was a Very Good Year " . The album gives the Count his dues when it includes the Basie classic " One O ' clock Jump " . The concert has that feel of being in a small intimate venue where Sinatra feels comfortable talking to the people who had come to see him on this special night . It sounds as though Sinatra is singing to individual members of the audience at times . This was also at a time when Sinatra 's voice was at its peak . Strong baritone voice , holding notes out and using his usual ending each word sung completely , as your hear the " t 's " at the end of words for example . Tough to beat Sinatra in studio , but this comes very close to doing so . Johnny Cash was never sentenced to prison , but between this album and his San Quentin album , a lot of people thought he did . In one interview that I heard he said " People are always coming up to me and saying , ' My daddy was in prison with you ' " and he laughed . There is a lot of debate over which of the two albums is better , Folsom or San Quentin . As far as I am concerned , At Folsom Prison is near , if not at , the top of country live albums . The album opens up with Cash saying those famous words of his . . . . " Hello . . . I 'm Johnny Cash " and as the inmates start to go wild the band starts to playing and never stops . He does a set that does not fail to prove that he was one great performer . His wife , June , gets up on stage with him and does a fantastic version of " Jackson " . This doesn 't need to be said because i am sure that every Johnny Cash fan has this album in their collection , but if you DON ' T have it in your collection . . . . . get it . Ever since I first heard this album I couldn 't believe that these tapes were actually lost , but apparently they were recorded and stuck in the vaults at Columbia Records . Someone should have been fired for that although they were probably retired by the time the tapes were released . This is not only great live blues with guitar genius Mike Bloomfield with his pal Blood Sweat and Tears founder Al Kooper on the organ , it has a little extra special part to it . During this concert at the Fillmore East , Bloomfield and Kooper introduce Johnny Winter to the world . I can not imagine how the people who were lucky enough to be there felt listening to Winter for the first time , but as I listened to Johnny Winter on this album , I was blown away . . . and at that time I knew most of Johnny Winter 's work that would follow this introduction of him to the world of blues . This record is astounding . We find both Bloomfield and Kooper at the top of their game . The songs are great , the band is tight and as I listen to this set I can almost see this concert taking place . Nothing is better live than a good blues performance and these two definitely deliver . The couple of songs by Johnny Winter , however , puts it over the top and into the place of one of the best blues albums to come out of the sixties . The set ends with a great rendition of Donovan 's " Season Of The Witch " which would become a staple for Al Kooper as his career progressed . Well , I listed more than I intended to do , but there are some good live albums out there . I 'll make a secondary list at some point I suppose . For the most part , live albums have been seen as a lower form of recording than studio albums . Only real fanatics of a group buy a live album of theirs . But all of these albums , as well as numerous others , stand on their own merits . If anything , a live recording when done well , is a lot more impressive than a studio recording . I have been haunted as of late by Leonard Cohen 's last album before he passed away . Cohen had a special following of fans , some of them didn 't even know they were fans . Cohen 's songs were covered by many other artists who got a lot of airplay for their interpretation of his songs . The most recent group to hit it big thanks to Leonard Cohen was a group called Pentatonix , who recorded Cohen 's " Hallelujah " on their Christmas album last year even though the song has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas . It is kind of like a group of Christian teens who decided to sing George Harrison 's " My Sweet Lord " in a Youth for Christ meeting when I was young teenager . They decided not to do it once they realized that Harrison 's " Sweet Lord " was the Hare Krishna , a far cry from their Lord that they thought they were going to praise that night . See , this is why I always say " LISTEN TO THE LYRICS PEOPLE ! " . There are a lot of songs out there that actually have some philosophical meaning if you stop to actually listen to what the writer is trying to say . Leonard Cohen 's songs were like that . His writing was usually dark and foreboding . He seemed to always slip in some religious themes in his songs and most of the time his songs wrapped around broken or lost love , lost loved ones and the poor future of our civilization that was to come . At the same time he was penning these dark lyrics , he was putting them to beautiful melodies . As Cohen aged into his eighties , he set out to write a set of songs that expressed what he was feeling as he became closer to facing his own death . The album was titled " You Want It Darker " which was also the title of the first track on the album . His health was failing as he finished writing the songs and he recorded it a few months before he died leave this earth . He had to sit in a chair in his apartment , which was transformed into a small sound studio , to record his final verses . In an interview about the yet to be released album Cohen said " I am ready to die . I am not afraid " . Cohen held a strong faith in his Jewish heritage and leaned on that faith as death neared . I have been a Leonard Cohen fan for many years . His dark sense of humor seemed to match mine and his pessimistic outlook in the human race seemed to mirror mine as well . His music made an impact on me that for the most part I kept to myself . Me and Leonard . His was the one music I really didn 't share with others . If I could write music , I would want it to be like his . I kept his music so much to myself , that I am not sure even my wife knew who Leonard Cohen was when I informed her in my sadness that he had died . I spent a couple of evenings with her playing some of Cohen 's tunes on YOUTUBE for her . A few of the songs she recognized from the covers that had been recorded . It didn 't take long for her to come to appreciate the talent that this man had . " You Want It Darker " is by far his masterpiece . The songs are honest , spiritual and looks into the dark of night with more clarity than any songwriter I have heard . This album has a hold on me and I listen to it often . The words speak to me and I feel like I understand them and therefore understand Cohen . This album was Leonard Cohen telling the world " goodbye " . I am so glad he took the time to tell us that . I go back to when my great grandmother Hill died . I loved her , I really did . She was a tough lady that had a rough life but she fought her way through all of the setbacks and lived a long good life . However , and looking back I am not really proud of this , but the main thing I remember about my great grandmother 's death is that her funeral was to be in Springfield , Missouri on a day when I had a date with Patty Mason to go to my first school dance , and I had to cancel out . I look back and I miss her now . I have a few of her things that I remember from my childhood and find good memories floating through my brain of spending time with her . I never got to tell her goodbye though and at the time it didn 't bother me that I didn 't have that chance . Actually it still does not bother me much to this day . The last time I saw my grandfather Hill , I knew inside of myself that it would be the last time I saw him . He was heading down to Alabama to spend time with my Aunt Sue and I knew that he would not be coming back . That night as I left , I did tell him goodbye . I gave him a small hug which is not normal for me and maybe he was thinking what that was all about . He did pass away on that visit to Alabama and even though I was extremely broken by his death , I was able to hold on to the fact that I was able to tell him goodbye . I love all my Aunts and Uncles from both the fraternal and the maternal side of my family . I am greatly blessed to have them as part of my life . My Uncle Melvin was attacked with cancer . He spent a lot of time in the hospital and I kept up on his condition through reports from my mother . Uncle Melvin was special , as all my Uncles were . As I sensed his health worsening I decided to make a visit to him . After some of the things he did for me , covertly I might add , I felt like I wanted to see him at least one more time . As I entered the hospital room he was in , my cousins all greeted me very warmly and led me to where my Uncle lay . He patted his bedside indicating for me to sit and so I did . He took my hand and told me things were going to be okay . We talked a bit about things and then I told him I was going to miss him . He looked me square in the eye , as Hills are taught to do , and told me he would miss me too . I told him I loved him and as I leaned over to give him a hug he quietly said that he loved me as well . It was not long after that when he left this world that he loved so much . I am so glad I decided to make that visit . Those words from my Uncle helped me to help my grandpa the day of the funeral . My Uncle Duane was another very special uncle . Although he had moved away to Nebraska then Colorado and I didn 't get to see him much , I have many fond memories of him . He was one of the most gentle men I ever knew and he had a knack for talking to me and showing me things . This is one that really hurts that I didn 't get to say goodbye to . I knew he was sick , very sick . Life kept me from making a trip to Colorado to see him though . That was the excuse I used anyway . I was and still am not sure if I could have handled it seeing him before he passed . I loved him so very much . When he did die , I beat myself up for not taking time to drive out to Colorado to see him and my aunt and two cousins . I am still beating myself up for that slip . Then when I think about it , it would have been extremely rough on me and chances are he wouldn 't know who I was anyway , which would make it hurt even more . Maybe it is best for both of us that I didn 't make that trip . I just am not sure . My Uncle Dan and Aunt June were also very special . June was married to Dan 's brother , my Uncle Jack . When Dan got cancer , we made a bond that we would fight this thing together and we did . I saw him everyday and my wife would spend the night at his house to take care of him . During this time , my Aunt June was also very ill and it was obvious that she was getting worse . In spite of that , she traveled with my Uncle Jack from St Louis to Kansas City every other weekend to help take care of Dan . Every weekend when they headed back to St . Louis , I would give her a hug and tell her goodbye as I did with my Uncle Jack . But my goodbyes to my Aunt June held a lot more meaning . I wanted to be sure that she knew I appreciated and loved her and considered myself lucky to have her for an Aunt . Dan 's cancer eventually took him to the point of where I had to take him to the hospice house . The pain he was in was at a point of being more than I could help him with . I stayed in hospice with him for a week , never leaving him as I had promised . Each time I left the room though , I would tell him goodbye and let him know I would be right back . I was able to whisper an almost silent goodbye the night he died . At his funeral , as I was leaving his house I made a special effort to be sure and tell my Aunt June goodbye . There would be no more bi - weekly weekend visits from her now . I am so glad I did tell her that . Then there was my sister Carol . Carol had come up to help me take care of mom and dad during the summer when she was diagnosed with cancer . She was determined to fight it as hard as she could , if anything just so she could get back to Georgia where her home was and her grandkids . The two of us , along with my faux sister Karen , decided that we would get her well enough to get back home . We succeeded . As she and my sister Elaine left to head back south , I was able to give Carol a huge hug a big I love you and a kiss on her forehead . We each said we would see each other the next summer when she came back . She never came back to Kansas City though . The next spring the cancer returned and raced through Carol 's body . The goodbye I had with Carol was one I would not trade for the world . Then there is the loved one passing that comes out of the blue , totally out of nowhere . This happened to me last February when one of my friends died . Dennis was healthy . He took care of himself . He ate right . He was active . He also had a damaged heart from a heart attack several years ago . That heart quit working that day in February . I had not told him good bye . I didn 't have the chance to . We had planned on meeting up in Mississippi later on this spring when I was planning to visit Alabama . I had talked to him the day after his birthday in January . No goodbye . We never said goodbye to each other . It was always " Take it easy , see ya later " . With Den though , there wasn 't a later . He was here one day and the next day , just gone . I didn 't go through all of the goodbyes I said or didn 't say . I use these few as examples of how my mind works when dealing with these situations . So now for today . I am 60 now and in what I have come to realize is the " window of death " . It seems like once a person gets pass 60 years old , all bets are off . My parents moved to Alabama last fall so that my sister could take care of them while I try to take care of my wife . My brother is in South Dakota , my sister , as mentioned , is in Alabama as well as my Aunt Sue . My aunt Eva is the closest on the Hill side living in Clinton , Missouri while my Uncle Jack still can 't pull himself from St . Louis . He likes it there for some odd reason . Aunt Velma is in Colorado while my Aunt Fay is in western Kansas . My Uncle Jim , well I think he is in Warrensburg , Missouri , not too far away . I do still have my Aunt Norva and Uncle Dale living here in Kansas City but I do not get out to see them much . The question that hits me as I listen to Leonard Cohen 's last album goes like this . " Is it better to say be able to say good bye to loved ones or easier not to . " I don 't know . I sincerely just don 't know . It kind of feels like my good byes may be finished no matter what the answer may be . Eddie woke up in the backseat of his old Chevy . He was covered in sweat and his hands were shaking . It was still dark outside and a glance at his wrist revealed that the watch that normally resided there was gone . Looking around he noticed that he was at a rest stop of some sort off away from a highway . He crawled out of the car and noticing that there wasn 't a building on the lot , walked over to a line of trees to relieve himself . The sweat continued to bead over his body as he tried to get his bearings as to where he was . He had no memory of pulling into this rest stop or falling asleep . He sat on the hood of his car shivering a bit watching the traffic on the highway . He tried to remember what had happened the previous night . He knew something had happened , he could feel it inside of himself . His sleep had been restless with images flashing in his dreams waking him up twice during the night . He couldn 't remember the images . He was trying , but all he had was a knowledge that the images had popped in his mind and left as fast as they entered . They were not good images . Eddie felt ill at ease as he tried to remember his dreams . He laid back on the hood of the car and closed his eyes and began trying to fill in this dark void in his memory that seemed to cover at least yesterday . As he lay there he remembered what he thought was Tuesday night when he had driven to a motel with a girl that he had been drinking with . That girl , what was her name ? He thought it was a strange name at the time . It started with a " C " he was pretty sure . Candy ? No . It was a strange name . Cally ? Candell ? Candell . . . yeah , that was it . He was pretty sure anyway . Candell . He remembered he had seen her hitchhiking as he was driving along the highway from Louisiana east towards Mississippi . His goal was to get to Alabama and find a small time job for a few weeks to get some cash up then on to Georgia where he planned on settling down in one of the rural areas around Macon . He had cousins in Macon and Eddie figured they would help him get started there , help him with a job , give him a place to stay until he could afford a small place for himself . He thought back in time . It was late Monday night when he had spotted Candell along the highway . She wasn 't no beauty but not too bad either . Anyway , truth is it wouldn 't matter what she looked like , he just wanted some company for a little while , someone to talk to . When he had pulled over and stopped , Candell had approached the car slowly , peeking inside and looking him over . He had seen her glance in the backseat before looking at Eddie in the face . Eddie had asked her where she was heading , he would be happy to give her a lift for a bit . She was heading to Mobile and so Eddie said he would take her as far as Birmingham if she wanted . She accepted and slid into the car , hugging the door as Eddie pulled away . Detective Mark Edler pulled his car into the motel parking lot . He noticed four squad cars already there with the officers standing outside the motel room door talking . They had already taped off a perimeter with yellow streamers and were waiting on him to give the go ahead to start the taking up of evidence . He walked up to the motel room door and greeted the officers . " Well sir , we haven 't gone through the room at all . We just looked at what the manager showed us when we arrived . " With that , McFay pulled out his flashlight and turned it on , pointing it towards the television set . There on top of the TV was a human head . It appeared to be a male . The hair was messed up . The eyes were opened wide and almost bulging out of the sockets . The mouth was open in a silent scream as if begging for help . Edler walked out side and went over to the techs to describe what he had seen and what they should expect . Particular interest would be the bathroom of course . The officers would stay outside unless the techs needed assistance , then an officer could enter to help and leave the room when the chore was complete . The crime scene technicians began to gather their equipment together and then headed into the room . There were four techs and when the lead tech turned on the light , all four stood still in shock at the display on the television . The two men walked slowly towards the bathroom in the back of the room , being careful not to step in any of the blood trail or disturb anything else . Edler turned on the light over the sink area of the bathroom . The sinks was filled with a red liquid . Johnny took pictures of the blood trail on the bathroom floor and the sink of red . The sink area was spotless , everything seeming to be in place . Johnny then informed the detective and his boss that he was going to drain the sink now . He pulled up on the plunger and slowly the water level began to descend . Suddenly something broke the surface of the water . Edler looked on as slowly a human hand was revealed sitting in the sink , cut off at the wrist . Edler began to wonder how many body parts they were going to have to catalogue . Johnny took pictures of the hand from different angles before Edler and the lead tech turned towards the door that opened into the toilet and shower area of the bathroom . Edler hesitated just a brief moment before placing his hand on the door knob to open the door . Eddie noticed for first time since he had woke up that he had a headache . It wasn 't a bad one , just one of those small ones that pounds with your heartbeat to remind you that it is there . Sitting up he watched the traffic continue to flow by on the highway . Cigarette . He needed a smoke and so he got off the car and went to reach in the front window for his pack . As he reached in he noticed that the sleeve of his shirt was covered in a dry dark dried up liquid . He looked at it closely then slowly turned his head to look in the car . The passenger door and seat had splotches of blood on them as did the drivers side . He began to shake again as he quickly grabbed the pack of smokes out of the car . He was shaking so badly that he could not open the pack of cigarettes . His mind was racing trying to remember . He had to remember . At last he got the cigarettes open only to find it empty . He stopped and leaned against the car trying to think . It was then he noticed a highway patrol car drive past him down the highway . He quickly took off his shirt and threw it in the backseat leaving him in a white t - shirt that was still wet with sweat . Think . Think . Think . he kept telling himself . Candell . Where was Candell ? Suddenly a picture flashed through his mind . It was a picture of a set of eyes , open wide in fright , looking side to side and growing wider by the second . Eddie put his hands up to his face to try to block out the image . He remembered those eyes now . It almost seemed like they were his own , as if he were looking in a mirror . Eddie leaned against his car and slid to the ground , his knees folding up to his chin . Those eyes were so haunting , so real . As he sat he remembered walking into the motel room behind Candell . They had stopped at the motel bar after dinner and both were a little off kilter . He didn 't remember having that much to drink but apparently he did . Candell seemed to be woozy as well and they had both fallen onto the bed only because their feet could not hold them up anymore . He was sure that nothing had happened between him and the girl as he seemed to remember falling asleep very quickly . So why did he have this image of those eyes in his head ? After awhile Eddie stood back up to try to figure out where he was . He walked down to the highway and looking towards the east saw a Mississippi state highway sign . Okay , fine , he was in Mississippi . He didn 't know exactly where in Mississippi he was , but at least he had a frame of reference . He walked back to the car and sat on the hood , closing his eyes again to try to get rid of some of that headache . He had sat for a few minutes when another image came to him . It was the eyes again , open wide in terror but there was more . There was the whole face of the person and he could tell it wasn 't himself this time . The mouth was wide open as if screaming then he saw two hands , one on each side of the face carrying what eventually became just a head over to a wall in a room and being set down . The face was frozen in its silent terror and the hands that carried it looked a lot like his . He was sure they were his hands . What had he done ? Was it just a dream ? No , not a dream . Dreams don 't leave blood all over the inside of your car . It seemed like his memory was coming back quicker . Suddenly , he didn 't want to remember anymore . Eddie remembered waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of Candell coming into the room . She had another man with her and she was holding him up on her shoulder as she walked him to the bed . As he landed on the bed , the other man looked over at Eddie . " Oh , we 'll have some fun . " Candell had said before throwing a rope over to Eddie . " Tie him up good " she had ordered . Eddie shook his head vigorously to wake himself out of the memory . What the hell ? he thought . He started walking back and forth around the rest area . Just walking and thinking . Walking and not wanting to think . He wasn 't sure he wanted to remember anymore if the memories were real . He had recognized the man he had tied up as the head that the hands had placed in the room . It seemed like it was too real not to be a true memory . Edler opened the door to the main bathroom and flipped on the lights . He instantly turned away from the scene and and held his breath , trying to keep his breakfast from coming up . He looked at the tech and the photographer , shook his head , then turned to face the scene again . There was a hand placed as though turning on the water in the sink . Two feet , cut off at the ankle , stood on a towel on the floor just outside the tub . The toilet was stuffed with upper and lower arms , disconnected from each other and the legs , cut into four pieces as the arms had been were floating in a tub full of red water . The walls were splattered with blood along with the ceiling . Obviously , this was where the crime had taken place . After processing what he had seen , Edler began the walk to the office of the motel to talk to the manager hoping to find out who had been in the room the night before . The manager was more than willing to help , excited because nothing like this had ever happened in the county as far as he could remember and here he was , right in the middle of it . He began to answer Edler 's questions before the detective even had a chance to ask them . " Yes sir , there was two of em . I got the register right here , now it was about seven last night when they pulled in , let 's see . . . umm . . . a Rick and Wanda White , yes sir , Rick and Wanda White . that 's what it says here . They seemed like a pretty nice couple , her hanging on his arm and such . I remember they went to the room to put there stuff in there before walking over there to the cafe for dinner I suppose . They were in there an hour or so , maybe an hour and a half . I got lots of time to observe what people do around here you know , not a lot else going on . Anyways , they come out of the cafe and then go back to the room . Don 't know why , but they were there about an hour or so , and then they went to the bar next to the cafe . They were in the bar for a long time . The bar don 't close until three or three thirty depending on the crowd or how tired old Joe is . Joe is the bartender , you might want to talk to him maybe but he doesn 't have the memory I have . Anyways , I had to go back to the back room to do some paper work , end of the month you know , I have to turn in reports to the owners in Atlanta every month so that they know the place is still open and doin good business . Anyways , I am back in the room catching up on the paper work until about , well must have been between two thirty or three and I come out here to check things over , take a look see to be sure everything is in order and such and I looked over there at their room and Mrs . White , well I am assuming she was Mrs . White , not sure if they were married or not , but anyway she is having to help him into the room . He must have drunk a lot because he could hardly stand and she was carrying him to the room holding him up . After she got the door shut I figured I should head to bed myself and so I did . Didn 't hear anything more until Nora , Nora is the housekeeper here , well I hear Nora let out such a scream and I looked up and Nora was running over here yelling at me to call you guys . . . . so I did . Then I walked over to the room . . . tell you what , I saw the TV and Edler looked at the manager with vacant eyes and shook his head . He felt like he owed it to the manager to ask at least one question . " Blue . Not dark blue but not powder blue either . I guess a lighter color of blue . Maybe a sky blue ? somewhere between dark blue and light blue . . . you know . . . blue . " The manager looked around as if he had been caught in a crime himself . " Well , she said couldn 't remember the plate number . Told em to come back and give it to me later . I figured it would be okay . " " Wakeeney . " the tech answered . " I know , I never heard of it either . Good thing is that this Wakeeney may be such a small place we won 't have too much trouble tracing footprints from there to here . " The crime scene crew had removed all the body parts by now so Edler felt comfortable going into the room . He walked around slowly looking at everything his eyes landed on and then started going over evidence that the team had collected . Three sets of prints , one type of blood and various other things . There weren 't any drugs , but the ashtray was filled with cigarette butts . From the look of the furniture in the room it did not look like a struggle of any kind had taken place . He found it curious and began to process the knowledge he had in his brain as to what might have happened . This could be a tough case . OKAY . . . . well I think I wrote enough to show myself that I can write fiction . I will say this though , it is a bit tougher writing fiction than it is writing non - fiction . You have to make things up . I understand you can draw from your personal experiences to write about things that never happened but it is much easier to just write down facts as you understand them to be . It is easier to tell a story that actually happened to me . For those who have read my blog over the years , you probably come away thinking a lot of the time that I stretched the facts a bit , almost to the point of actually being fiction . Guilty . I realize I do that and I do it intentionally most of the time . Keeps people wondering how much of what I write is virtual fact . Writing fiction wears me out . I started writing this over a month ago . I haven 't touched it in at least two and a half weeks . So if you have the desire to finish it because you can 't stand an unfinished story , be my guest .

It was an early , crisp winter morning . Fresh snow had fallen that night before , the sun reflecting the white power so that it danced like diamonds in the light . Things were quite and tranquil , but that wouldn 't last for long . " What ? ! " came a loud screech from a white farm house . The chimmey shooting smoke into the air as fires were going to keep it warm . Inside a young girl just woken to the worst news her parents could give her . " Now , now my love it isn 't all that bad . The men there are rather attractive . " a mother cooed her daughter as she was pacing around the kitchen . " No way , you 'll . . . you 'll have to drug me or . . . or tie me up to even consider doing such a thing ! " her daughter protested . " Why can 't you send Dawn , or . . . or Mary ? " she asked . " You know why , both of them are being married off to two other man already . Honey you are 21 years old now and still unmarried , you are turning into an old maid . " her mother said just as gently as looked back up to her daughter . " Mother , there is no way I could - " she was shortly cut off by a grunt from her father , now choosing to speak . " You are going young lady , and that 's final . We 've worked hard to keep this family going , and you 've all had it easy . Now it 's your turn to do some work . " he told her . Even though he spoke calmly , his words carried a certain weight and boom to it , leaving the girl to simply stare at him before storming away . Twilight was just starting to fall upon the town as a horse and carriage finally came to a stop in front of a rather large and taken care of house . The young woman slowly looked up from the book in her lap , taking in her surroundings . The house was even bigger then her own , which was a bit of a shocker as well . As the door opened , the carriage driver offered her his hand and helped her down the steps . " This will be your new home for a while . " he explained . " Don 't worry you will settle in fast . " he said gently . " If you just step through those doors there , I will grab your luggage and I am sure the others will come to great you . " Opal looked at him before slowly nodding . " Very well I suppose . " she said softly , though the look on her face and her posture showed signs of her not wanting to be there at all . No matter how beautiful the house was . Slowly stepped to the wooden doors , she started to push them open . Stepping one foot over the doorway and into the house . " A maid ? Why wouldn 't you just ask for the money , instead of having an extra maid ? . " asked Jonathan , the biggest brother , with an expression of complete confusion , as well as disappointment , towards his father . It didn 't take long for him to replace those feelings with a grin . " Unless you are thinking we can give another use to that ' maid ' " . " The Williams are not in a position to pay us with money , and we don 't exactly need it either , young man . Believe me , this girl would be much more useful . But she still belongs to a nice family , so don 't even think about it . Don 't you dare treat her as a blood sack . And this goes to both of you . " said the eldest of the room , talking to his smallest and biggest son . Both of them rolled their eyes at the same time , thinking the only part that sounded good about that deal had just been crashed . There was also a fourth person in that room , but he wasn 't paying much attention to the conversation . And he didn 't need to either ; he didn 't care about new people living in their house , because it was big enough to avoid them completely . He wouldn 't try to hurt her at all , and he wouldn 't need to see her unless they came across in the hall . So , even if he was sitting on a chair for respect to his father , he was looking through the window to the beautiful white landscape . " She 's coming at twilight . And I want you , Lester , to receive her . I 'm leaving to treat some issues to the north in a few hours , and I won 't be back for a week . So I trust you to greet her in the name of our family , because I don 't care if she 's a maid , we are still keeping our manners . And you and I know that your brothers would just scare her off . " the father , often referred as Lord Kinlan , added . The vampire glanced at him with a gaze that showed how much it annoyed him , but he still didn 't complain about it . It seemed that he wouldn 't be able to avoid that new human completely . And just as his father ordered him to , Lester was standing a few meters from the door when the carriage arrived . He watched as a gorgeous , young woman walked through their main door . With her , an exquisite fragrance of a sweet perfume , mixed with the sweeter essence of her blood , filled his senses , delighting the apparently young vampire . When she was completely inside the house , he took a step closer to her , with his hands behind his back . " Welcome , Miss Williams . My name is Lester Kinlan , and I 'm glad to greet you in the name of my whole family to our house . " said to her , making a cordial smile . Of course , he was only faking , because even if she was beautiful and smelled great , he was still annoyed by the presence of another stranger around his house . He wanted to make things as fast as possible , still looking polite . Opal looked up just as she heard a mans voice , looking to him , she did a quick scan . Before she had left in the carriage her mother playfully suggested she might even come to find herself marrying one of the boys there , and that they were more handsome then any man she had seen , well besides her father of course ! Opal wasn 't so sure about the whole marrying part , but her mother got one thing right . The man standing before her had to be the most beautiful creature she had seen . Her face started to get slightly red , and quickly she turned her face and gaze away from him . " It 's . . . very nice to meet you Mr . Kinlan . " she said softly , before remembering what she was to become there , and slowly she looked at him again . " Lets save each other some time okay ? " The woman started , her flush face returning to normal as a grin slowly started to spread across her face . " I don 't want to be here , and I am sure you don 't want a pretty girl like me here either . I mean I might scare away some potential brides for you . " she said holding her hands behind her back and forth with her tip toes and heels . " So my suggestion is that we can forget all about this silly little debt . " she said waving her right hand as if she was trying to shoo it away , and laughing as she did so . " And I mean I can get a little tavern here for like . . a week and then go back home . " she said cheerfully . " That sounds like a great idea , don 't you think ? " she questioned . " And I am sure you would hate to see a pretty girl like me , scrubbing the floors on her hands and knees . " she said giving him the biggest puppy dog look she could muster at that moment . Lester frowned slightly seeing the blood rushing to her face , not knowing what he did to awake such response on her body , but still liking the color she took . His expression changed into one with surprise as she kept talking . He seriously didn 't expect to have that kind of conversation , but it was slightly more entertaining than he expected . It seemed that the girl was obstinate about going back to her home . Probably she had been forced to go there by her parents . " Oh , it seems that someone had gotten things easy for being pretty . " said , with a grin on his face . He then took a step closer to her and gently grabbed her chin , lifting it a little to meet her gaze . " I 'm sorry to disappoint you , Miss . Williams , but I do not concern at all about the looks of the person scrubbing my floor . I 'm sure you are as capable as anyone else . " said with a soft voice , before slowly pulling away . " As for the brides ; think of it as a filter . They do not get to marry me if they are scared by a maid . " added , still looking straight to her , a bit amused . Of course , she was beautiful , and it was smart to use it as a way out . But he still wouldn 't think of her differently for the way she looked . She was the same as any other human to him . " Although , you are right . For my personal reasons , I don 't want you here . Anyway , I 'm not the one to talk about that , you should speak to my father and he 's out for the week . I should warn you he does not likely forget about debts , though . " added , turning around to leave the room . He suddenly stopped on his way out and glanced back at her . " Anything else I can help you with ? " When he took a step towards her , Opal took a step back . Having not expected his responds to be just that , and he was right , she was indeed use to getting her way with her looks . As soon as he touched her chin and had her look up at him and into his eyes , she could feel the heat falling back onto her face , her ears turning slightly red . She listened to him carefully , the way he said maid almost felt like a taunt to her . An annoyed breath escaped her lips as she turned her head away from him and crossed her arms over her chest , pouting almost like a child would . " Well . . . you are making a big mistake for letting me stay here buster brown . " she mumbled . Listening as his footsteps started to walk away , she slowly looked back up when he asked if there was anything else he could help with . " Do I at least get my own room ? " she questioned . Opal was hoping she would , she never had to share a room and liked her privacy . Though each place was different , she was unsure of how many workers they had there . If it was a lot she was sure she would have to share a room with the other maids . Or maybe she could luck out and they would at least let her have her own , but if her pretty looks didn 't get her anywhere here . She was sure that wouldn 't work out as she hoped . " Oh , your room , of course . Richard will probably take you there . . . " said , as he approached towards the door to see what was that man , the carriage driver , doing . He was still struggling with the luggage . Lester sighed , his father had mentioned which room was she staying and he only needed to take a small detour from the path he was taking to go to the gardens . " Or I can show you , I suppose . " said , and he continued walking , waiting for her to join him . He lead her , without starting another conversation , through some labyrinthine halls of the first floor of the castle . There was a specific sector for the rooms of everyone who worked on the house . Hers was one of the first ones , and even though most of the others where shared between two or three people , that one wasn 't . Besides , it was a bit nicer than the rest , but still it probably wasn 't slightly similar to the one she used to have . A few workers that crossed their ways greeted Lester with certain happiness ; after all , he could be a bit tough with his words , but he was definitely the nicer of the Kinlan brothers . Lester opened the door of her room for her . " I 'm pretty sure this is it . I 'll make another maid to come in here , in case you need something . She would also tell you about your duties , even though you 'll probably start tomorrow . " told her , with a cordial smile on his face . " You 'll see living here is not as bad as you think . " added , only to cheer her up , because he didn 't even really enjoyed living in that castle . " Oh , and I 'm sorry , but I 've never heard your first name . I can still call you Miss . Williams if you want , but I 'd prefer Lester . There are many Kinlans in this house . " She didn 't have much to talk about either as they walked down the hallways . She stopped short though looking at a family portrait that was hanging up . She looked all three four men over and the woman that was there , she tilted her head to the side ever so slightly and could only guess that was their mother . She didn 't comment about it though , when it finally dawned onto her that his footsteps were getting farther and farther away , she pick up the sides of her dress and quickly ran after him to catch up . She couldn 't help but notice how happy the workers seemed to be and was watching each and everyone as they passed by . Maybe living there wouldn 't be so bad . She wasn 't so sure what she was expecting , but everyone seemed so happy . . . that was unless they were just sucking up to the man . Quickly shaking her head from her thoughts she stepped into the room that he opened . " It 's . . . cute . " she said as she turned around and looked at all angles . Looking to him once more as she spoke she slowly nodded her head . " Okay . . . thank you . . I guess . " she said as she went over to sit down on the bed that was to be her 's . " Oh . . . my name is Opal . " she told him . " And you don 't have to call me Miss . Williams at all . " she said with a shrug . " And I will remember that then , to call you Lester . " she said with a small smile . He nodded slightly at her answer and left the room to give her some privacy . Luckily , she met one of the other maids on the hall , and he called her . " Marie , would you take care of the new girl ? Make sure she 's alright , and give her the tasks she needs to do . Okay ? " told her and the woman nodded with a smile . " Of course , sir . But I don 't know what tasks to give her . I heard she was your personal maid , so you should probably be the one giving her tasks . " Lester rolled his eyes hearing her . " Why would I need a personal maid ? " asked , but the woman only shrugged . Both his brothers had something similar to a personal maid , but they were only girls they could easily feed on . And , sure , they cleaned their rooms and were close in case they needed something , but he didn 't want any personal maid . " Just . . . make her do whatever you do for the moment . " told her and she nodded , right before going into Opal 's room to introduce herself . He left towards the back garden , with the picture of the new girl on his mind . What was his father trying to do ? He accepted another maid as a payment , even if they definitely didn 't need someone else . He made him welcome her , and he even gave her one of the best rooms . Besides , he wanted her to be her personal maid . Lester was sure he brought her for some reason and it would all make sense , but he just couldn 't tell what could she do that someone else couldn 't . He just sighed and sat down in the snow , laying against a tree , watching at the marble fountain in front of him . Opal had looked up when the door opened once more . So much for relaxing she thought to herself as she looked up at the new comer . She could only smile though and give her own small introduction . She was soon forced up from her bed and was following her around the castle , sticking a bit closer so she didn 't get in the twist and turns of the hallway . She had followed her to Lester 's room and was starting to help make his bed and get his clothes laid out for the night . It wasn 't long until the sound of someone sitting beside Lester would disturb him out of his thoughts . " I see you guys got another meat bag . " a female voice rang softly as she looked at him . " My goodness how many of them does your family need ? " she questioned . The voice belonged to a girl named Lilly , a vampire like them though she always like to pick and tease on the family . Especially the brothers , " Tell me is she yours ? " she questioned tilting her head to the side ever so slightly . " Or did one of your brothers end up killing their maid ? " she questioned . She was rather beautiful as well . Her hair long and golden and fell in curls down to her back . Richard was just getting her bags into Opal 's room and let out a sigh as he did so . " Jeez , you would think she had been packing rocks in those damn bags . " he cursed to himself as he leaned from side to side , his back cracking as he did so . Lester heard Lilly approaching but he didn 't even turn around to look at her . He didn 't even wondered why was she there . . . he was used to have her around with no specific reason . " Supposedly . " answered , talking about the new girl being his . " Oh , no , they didn 't kill them . Not yet at least . So seriously , I don 't know why is she here . I mean , sure , she looks as someone Jon and Ollie would love to feed on . But our father explicitly told them to keep their fangs away from her . " told her , glancing at the beautiful vampire with an expression of confusion . " He probably wants her for me , right ? Like to stop caring as much as I do and start feeding on anyone ? " added , and rubbed his neck with frustration . Why wouldn 't they just leave him alone ? He preferred to feed on people that actually deserved it . . . what was wrong about that ? Meanwhile , Marie was showing Opal how to order and clean his room . " And I guess you 'll take care of his room from now on . I 'll still help you the first few times , of course . " started to say , trying to start a conversation with the girl while she took his clothes to wash . " You are so lucky you got Lester . Have you meet the other two brothers so far ? " asked , while she slightly scratched the small white bandage she had on her neck . " The only bad thing is that he is a bit obsessive . I mean , don 't ever try to change the way things are placed in here . " added , as she lined perfectly a frame , with the portrait of a young woman , that was placed on the bed table . Lilly listened to him and was nodding her head to everything he was saying . " Well that certainly interesting . " she told him as she started to play with some of the snow . " It looks that way , that he is giving her to you and that she is yours . And maybe he doesn 't want you to feed just on anyone . But use her in case you can 't find someone at night . " she explained as she sat there . " I mean yes there are maids all about the house to pick and choose from . And to be honest Lester you are pretty picky . " she laughed . " Maybe he thinks you are a bit lonely too and need a little rump in the sheets . " she said looking up him with a grin and starting to get in his face a little bit . " Maybe a little play toy for you and a snack on the side . But be careful , these humans can be so fragile . One wrong move and you could break an arm . . . or a neck . " she sighed as she sat back down . Opal looked at Marie and was watching everything she was doing , trying to help as best as she can . But it was clear she had no idea what she was doing . " Ah his brothers . . . no I haven 't met them . I 've heard some things from my mother though . That they are as handsome as their father is . " she said as she started to wander about the room . " Are they pretty bad ? " she asked looking at her , she looked at her neck in slight confusion . " Is that some kind of fashion statement ? " she questioned as she touched her own neck . " It would look much better if you had a necklace of ribbon there honestly . " " Oh . . . so he is one of those people . Oh gosh I mean how funny would it be just to place things half an inch off ? " she laughed . " He wouldn 't figure it out for the longest time and it would drive him crazy ! " she said excitedly before gasping , " Come on let 's do that . " she said as she went over to the picture frame , and started to turn it just ever so , but she stopped as she fully looked at what was inside . Without a word she slowly crouched down and rested her chin on the edge of the stand . " Who is this ? " she asked seeming more calmer then before . " She is really pretty , is this his girlfriend or something ? " she questioned . Lester bit his lower lip and shook his head slightly . Maybe he was lonely , but why did they assume he didn 't want to be ? What she said made sense , though . Both of his brothers were most of the time . . . with company . And , according to their words , knew how to have fun . But Lester didn 't want to see anyone since his first love , and he rejected any woman his father brought him as a possible bride before even see her . It would be wise from his part to sneak one as a maid . . . He focused back on he speech and laughed hearing her say he was pretty picky . Anyway , his expression abruptly changed when she mentioned how fragile humans could be . As if he wouldn 't know about that . Sighing , he tried to forget about all that stuff . " My father is completely annoying . As if I needed a super gorgeous maid to play around in order to have fun . " complained . A moment after it , he grabbed some snow from the floor and , with a quick movement , he threw it directly to her face . " See ? That was definitely amusing . " told her with a grin . Marie frowned slightly when she asked if they were pretty bad . " Well , yes , they are pretty scary . So if you can avoid them , that would be great . " said the young worker . She simply ignored what she said about her neck . Seeing she wanted to somehow bother Lester , she raised her eyebrows . With curiosity , she wondered where did that girl came from , because a normal maid wouldn 't even think of doing something like that . A slight chuckle slipped her throat though , hearing the excitement on her voice . " Uhm , I don 't know . . . " answered sincerely , staring at the woman in the frame . She was indeed beautiful . " I mean , she had never came to the castle , so she can 't be a current girlfriend or something similar . I asked Lester once , but he ignored me . And I 've never heard anything about her . But , if you ask me , it looks as a pretty old painting . I don 't think that woman is alive anymore . " answered her . Lilly was shocked when the snow smacked her in the face and felt the horrible shock of it . " That 's cold you little jerk ! " she laughed before grabbing hangs full of snow and shoving it in his face laughing as she did so . She honestly didn 't mind the snow that much , and was soon trying to cover him in it laughing more and more . Opal was listening to the woman and nodded her head ever so slightly . " Well that 's odd that it 's so old then . I mean she couldn 't possibly been his girlfriend then . He is too young . " she said with a shrug . " I will have to ask him the next time I see him then . And I won 't take his silents as an answer . " she said with a wink as she started to stand up once again . " And I will make a mental note then to keep away from his brothers . " she said as she stood there . " I 've heard awful stories about how some people treat their help . But Lester doesn 't seem like the type of person to hurt anyone . And since I am suppose to be his personal maid I am sure I will be pretty safe . " she said happily . " Oh , no ! " he said with a fake expression of fear as she started throwing the snow on him . It seemed she wanted to cover him with snow and it made him start laughing . He had instinctively his eyes closed because of the snow on his face , so he began to blindly throw snow back at her , with some of it smashing against her body and some simply falling to the floor . It was weird being a vampire , because no matter how old he was , he would never be mature enough for a snow fight . " Yes , it 's weird . " Marie muttered , without adding anything else to it . Of course , she perfectly knew that it was possible , because even if there were only a few workers that knew exactly what the Kinlan were , she knew that everything was possible around them . " I hope you tell me after you figure it out . " added , with a slight smile . " I 'm sure you will be safe . With his personality , he would probably feel responsible for you and even protect you . But I couldn 't tell , you are the first one he ever had . Even if he is nice to be around , I have a feeling that he tries to avoid people as much as he can . " said , as she finished removing some dust from a small bookshelf he had . Everything was clean there , so they were done with his room . " Yeah you better be afraid ! " Lilly yelled at him laughing as she kept throwing the snow at him . " Man you really aren 't good at this are you . " she laughed as she went to tackle him back into the snow . She was a light weight , but she hoped with the way his eyes were closed she would of caught him off guard . " Well that is good to hear that I will be protected then . " she laughed . " Where are these brothers of his , so far all I 've seen is Lester and the help . " she explained to her . She was finish moving just little things off by an inch in his room , a small grin falling onto her face as she looked at Marie once more . " So what do we do now ? " she questioned . " I mean we are pretty much done right ? " she asked tilting her head to the side . " Or is there more to this , do I have to help make dinner and set the table too ? " she questioned as she made a face . " Oh and maybe that woman in the picture is his grandmother ! " she said suddenly . " That would explain about why it 's so old . " she said cheerfully . " I am still going to ask . . . as a matter of fact I am going to find him right now and ask before I forget . " she told her . Lester chuckled at her words and she totally got him with her tackle and fell to the floor . " Ok , ok . I surrender . I am terrible on this . I 'll remember it for the next time I wanna throw you snow at your face . " said , laying down against the snow with a smile . It was a good thing he was resistant to low temperatures for being a vampire , because he had snow all inside his clothes . Marie had no idea where Oliver and Jonathan were , so she just shrugged as an answer . She was only glad they weren 't around bothering the new maid , although she knew they wouldn 't take long to do so . She liked that girl , so cheerful and amusing , and she hoped she would be good . Now Marie would just go back to her room and maybe help delivering dinner to the workers , because one of the good thing about that family , is that they didn 't have dinner . Not with food that needed to be prepared , at least , so it gave them less work . So she just let her go with a smile , hoping she wouldn 't get lost . " Good luck , Opal , see you around . " Anyway , Opal wasn 't lucky enough to wonder around the halls by herself without meeting at least one of the other brothers . Jonathan saw her , actually smelled her , and wanted to say hi . He came in the middle of her way , blocking her path . Jonathan was really similar to Lester , with longer hair and darker eyes , which were almost black . And , even though he was a little smaller than the middle brother , he didn 't look that way . Maybe it was that he had more muscles around his back and arms , which together with his gaze , made him quite intimidating . " Oh , well , hello there . You must be Lester 's new maid . " greeted her with a charming smile upon his face . " I should ask for a change . Mine is far less beautiful . " added , with an amusing tone , looking at her from top to bottom . " That 's what I thought . " Lilly laughed as she laid on top of him now . " Oooh noo I am frozen and can 't move . I guess we will just have to stay like this , oh nooo . " she said in a half whining voice before laughing again and just relaxed . Even if she was laying on him she didn 't mean anything by it , she saw most of them as brothers anyways . " You 'll be fine though kid . " she said looking up at him now . " Just learn to open up a bit more , alright ? " she asked with a wink . Opal had almost ran into the man that just seemed to suddenly appear before her eyes . She stopped a few feet short of him , her heart racing for half a second and her blood seeming to run cold . She couldn 't help but feel the pressure under his gaze , and her body was almost giving into the fight or flight . Though the sound of his voice and the smile he gave seem to relax her only slightly . " Well hello to you to . " she told him with a small smile . " Uh yes I am Opal , I just arrived today . And . . . well thank you for the compliment . " she laughed nervously , she wasn 't so nervous around people . But the way he looked her up and down was anything but comfortable . It was almost like he was looking at some kind of prey . " You must be one of Lester 's brothers , right ? " she questioned . " May I ask what your name is ? " He chuckled once again as she wouldn 't move from above him . " You are evil . And I guess I 'll do my best . " answered her with a smirk . Even if he didn 't appreciate much physical contact , he didn 't care with her being on top of him . But he still wanted to get up . " C ' mon , get off now . You are too fat and I 'm dying down here . " teased her with a grin . As he always did , Jonathan enjoyed making people uncomfortable . He didn 't mean to feed on her , because he seriously heard his father and his warning . Anyway , as he heard her small heart beating faster , he was just tempted . Oh , well , at least he tried . " Indeed I am . Jonathan Kinlan , and I 'm pleased to meet you , Opal . I should also add that I 'm the better looking of the three of us . " told her with a quick wink and keeping his smile . " I 'm sorry I stepped on your way , I was just curious . Where were you going , anyway ? " asked her , with curiosity , or so it seemed . " You know what ? Forget about it , why don 't you join me for dinner ? " Lilly looked at him in mock shock when he told her that she was fat . " Oh now that hurts . " she said putting even more weight on him . " I guess I will have to crush you then with my fat rolls . " she laughed before sitting up . " You are lucky I like you . " she said putting snow in his face again . " But I should get going , my parents will be calling me for dinner . " she said as she stood up and brushed herself off . Opal looked at Jonathan and laughed gently as she said that he was the better looking brother . " Oh I see . ' she laughed as she stood there . " And I was just looking for Lester I had some questions I wanted to ask him . " she explained as she held her hands behind her back this time . " And I guess I could come to dinner . I haven 't ate since early this morning . " she said as she was getting ready to follow after him . She was half confused as why Marie told her to stay away from the other two brothers . Jonathan was indeed intimidating , but he seemed nice . . . or at least that is what she thought . He couldn 't prevent himself from laughing again . Of course she was quite the opposite of fat , and it didn 't even hurt him when she tried to , putting more weigh on him . He stood up , together with her and shook the snow off his body and face . " Go , I don 't wanna be around if you miss a meal . " answered , still teasing her . " I should get inside and check on my new ' toy ' , anyway . " added with a shrug . " See you around , Lilly . " told her with a smile as he walked off . " That 's great . I 'm also quite hungry as well . " Jonathan told her . As the mention of Lester , he couldn 't avoid a slight chuckle . He was already picturing the face of his smaller brother when his maid appeared with his trademark . " Follow me , my lady . " said with a wink as he went downstairs , towards the dining hall they barely used . Maybe he could really give her some food . That would be fair , right ? " What did you want to ask Lester , anyway ? " Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! 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2025 : Year of the Helix . After decades of government fighting about genetics . World opinion has turned against geneticists . There is passing of laws in the United Nations that would eliminate everything concerning genetics . However , a grace period has been granted . Until these laws passed , scientists and citizens could do what they want without threat of prosecution . Unbeknownst to anyone , nuclear war was adverted by an unknown visitor who claimed to be from the future . Susan Jecong gave birth to a healthy baby boy , but the doctor summoned the new parents . Dr . Milo Burnett has some bad news for them . Mrs . Jecong said , " What is it . You said my baby was healthy . " Dr . Burnett said , " Yes he is . However , you Mr . Jecong aren 't the father . " Mr . Albert Jecong almost hit the doctor , but said flatly , " I 'm not ? " Dr . Burnett presented a chart . He said , " This sequence in the middle is your son 's . The one to the right is your wife 's but the one to left is not you . " Mr . Jecong asked , " Well who does it belong to ? " Dr . Burnett said , " It belongs to a person of Asian descent , specifically from Japan . You know , It 's kinda odd because this sequence looks familiar . Oh , now I remember . The cops found a man bearing the same sequence . A man living in the country thought he saw some kind of wolf attacking his chickens . However , when he stepped in for a closer look , he saw a dead man . He had no identification We 've been unable to even find anyone bearing his sequence . My recommendation , sir , is to love him no less . " The Jecongs went home . They could of argued , but they both knew that she couldn 't of had an affair . They said nothing and the issue was over . " John , do you want any friends over for your birthday party ? " Susan Jecong said to her son . John said , " No , family 's enough . " 5 year old Joey said , " Happy Birthday , Big Brother . " John said , " It 's not my birthday yet . There 's seven days to go . " Joey had some difficulty understanding time and a few hours later he wished him a happy birthday again . He also didn 't know why his older brother looked so different from him . In fact he bore no resemblance to neither of his parents . The only thing that looked like his mother 's what his ears and nose . In fact , the only way that you could tell that John was related was through a DNA test . They could tell that everything else came from his father . His little brother however looked more like his parent 's child . Someday Joey would be told , but that would be years from now . Johnny Jecong was a nice kid in school well liked by many . He played baseball in school and did well in his studies . Life in a little town was better than living in stuffy city , yet over the years , his town was becoming crowded as apparently others thought of the same thing . So maybe moving to a larger city would be best . His birthday was celebrated without much surprise . Then one night soon afterwards , he had the strangest dream he ever had . He saw a boy that looked exactly like himself . He saw him grow up and go to the past ? The young man died 21 years from his present . Then the scene switched with a first person perspective of running swiftly through the forest . Then he saw the full moon and heard an unnatural howl . It all seemed so real . He woke up and was troubled by the dream , but didn 't tell anyone . His brother had woken up first and started to put his things in his backpack for school . His mother dropped his little brother off at Elementary School and then dropped him off at Junior High . Next year , he 'd be moving on to High School and he was so excited . That night , he ate more than what he usually ate for supper and his mother said , " Stop wolfing it down . " His father said , " He 's a growing boy . Let him be . " After supper , the brothers went up to their room to do their homework . John had real homework that took a while to complete . His little brother however , didn 't have that much homework . His parents insisted that they go to bed at the same time , so for the rest of the night , Joey would draw pictures . It made him feel older . Suddenly he was gripped with burning pain and he fell out of his chair . It was more intense than the time that he broke his leg after falling from a tree . He screamed out in pain as his vocal cords changed . His little brother was too terrified to do anything but cowered in the corner in extreme fear as he heard his brother 's screaming turn from sounding human to something not quite human , but not quite animal . John 's body then underwent horrifying changes that were very overwhelming . Hairs started to sprout all over his skin . His t - shirt bulged and started to tear . His tennis shoes split as paws escaped from them . He thought he 'd faint , but the pain stopped before he could . He was weak from the changes that he had difficulty standing . He slowly walked to the mirror while his vision adjusted . Everything he saw was monochrome , his vision was just as sharp if not sharper . Sounds and smells bombarded his ears and nose . He then saw his reflection in the mirror and he howled in sadness because it was the most shocking thing he had ever seen . His parents ran into the room and screamed . His father ran to the closet and got a bat , but Joey regained his senses and pointed to him and said , " Johnny . " His father laid down the bat and they said , " Johnny ? " He nodded and said , " It 's me alright . I 'm afraid to look at myself again . This must be some horrible nightmare . " However , it came out as wolfish sounds and they didn 't understand . He righted is chair , sat in it , put his big paws under his changed face , and cried out howling in anguish . His mother slowly approached him and patted him on the shoulder . His spirits were getting a little better and his furry tail twitched . He knew that they couldn 't understand a word he said , but he was hungry , so he pointed to his mouth . They said , " He must be hungry . " He then looked at himself . He took off his shirt and cast his ruined socks and shoes aside . He followed them downstairs getting used to walking on two misshapen legs . His parents looked in the fridge and found the chicken that theyHe woke up to the sound of his alarm going off and he shut it off for the day . The first thing he notice was his hands were back to normal . He looked at his fingers and wiggled them . His hands ran along the rest of his body . There was no sign of fur anywhere on his body , only the hair that he usually had on his body . In fact , the only trace of what went on the previous night was a hole in the back of his underwear . However , his body was a little more muscular . He looked in the mirror , ran a finger over his chest and felt the improving muscles . Since he was five , he had been doing either martial arts or sports , but had always had a non - muscular body , but because he was different now , he guessed that his human body was going to be more developed than other guys his age . He walked to his jeans that were on the chair . It too had a hole in the same place . He took a bath and put school clothes on . He walked down to breakfast and joined his brother . His mother was making pancakes and she said , " John , was that you making that loud noise last night ? " He said , " The neighborhood dogs wanted to talk nonsense to each other and prevent me from sleeping so I told them to be quite . They became silent quickly and I went to bed . " Joey asked , " What do dogs talk about ? " John said , " Nonsense stuff like getting their fur pulled by a baby , having to eat bad tasting food , and having to sleep in a leaky dog house . Perhaps to dogs it would make sense , but the things they talked about were so absurd that it bothered me . " That day went as normal as the day before . Even though he looked human in every way , his senses were still very much like the night before . He guessed that no matter what the form , there were some things that would stay the same , primarily his senses . He could smell everything in the cafeteria and could identify most of the smells from fried chicken to spaghetti . He knew that at this point in his life , he would begin to undergo changes , but not the kind he experienced last night . As much as he wanted to tell his friends about what happened , he decided against it . Who would believe him ? Even if they did , they might be afraid of him . At lunch , he met with his friends Ted , Jeff , Louise , Rosie , and Zoe . Louise said , " So did you do your homework ? I had so much trouble . " John said , " Yea , no difficulties along the way . " While he was listening to their conversation , his ears picked up numerous other conversations and it was somewhat difficult to pay attention to the one that mattered . The rest of the day went fine and he got home safely . He looked on his calender . He saw that last night was the first night of the full moon . He knew what would follow so he prepared for it because in science class they had studied the phases of the moon a few weeks ago . Before supper his parents called him down to talk about something . His father said , " I 'm not your real father . 13 years ago , we went camping . Your mother was attacked by some large wolf creature . She was all right , no physical injuries , no diseases , but we discovered that she became pregnant . After you were born , your doctor told us that I wasn 't your father . Your father is an unknown person , but on your birth certificate it says that I was the father . We now know the truth of who your real father was because of what you have become . " The rest of the night was just like last night , but they fed him after he had changed . The pain was as intense , but it seemed to be a little less painful . He knew somehow that things would get better and that he would get used to the changes . Things proceeded like that for the following months . He then started to know things that he had learned somehow , but that was impossible . He discovered that he could transform anytime he wished . The only time that he didn 't have a choice was when the full moon came up . Joey had to be told why he shouldn 't tell strangers , but he asked , " Can I tell my friends at school ? " John said , " No . You can 't tell anyone because if people knew what I was , they would hurt me . You wouldn 't want to see your older brother get hurt . " He shook his head . Joey was satisfied with this and felt safe . He knew that if their house was ever broken into while the family was there . The burglars would never make it out alive if they laid a hand on them because of the John 's wolfen sense of territoriality . John knew this too and had to discuss it with his priest . He said , " If I kill an intruder , is it as sinful as killing in cold blood . " The priest replied , " Yes . All murder is the same . However , if you are just as sorry , you will be forgiven by the Heavenly Father . " Halloween was the only time that he could walk the streets the way he looked . People would tell him how realistic his costume was , but if they asked why he couldn 't talk , his parents said , " It 's designed to be realistic . That means no speaking . " One weekend the family went camping . It was customary to go once a year at the same time , but after they booked the campground they realized what the night would bring . However , it was too late to do anything about it because there had to be a 24 hour notice . John said , " It 's all right . No one will notice me . " The family packed up the van and drove to the park . They signed in at the gate and drove to the campground . Out of all the sites , John liked Site 10 the best . They brought the food in a cooler and for lunch , they had fried chicken . The rest of the day , they fished , but caught nothing . The boys wanted to swim , but it wasn 't allowed because of the water 's condition . For supper , the family made sandwiches , but John wouldn 't eat . Why eat now when he would have to eat later . His stomach rumbled with hunger and he wished the moon would be out already . It finally got dark and the full moon started to rise . John quickly got out his socks and shoes and took off his shirt . He walked into the forest as he started to change . He got on all fours to go hunting for a suitable supper . He pointed his snout into the air and began to identify the forest animals . There were some rabbits , but he would have to catch more than one and they were fast and small . A deer would be preferable . He then smelled one and went in the direction of the smell . He saw one through the brush drinking water from a creek . He was about to leap out of it , but decided not to . Instinct told him that the deer would run away having a head start ; better to sneak behind it . So he went around and leaped and killed the deer before it ran away . His fangs dug into the carcass and ripped out the meat . After a few chews , he swallowed the current piece of meat . He got full and left the carcass there . He went to the creek and drank some water and cleaned his mouth of the deer 's blood . He then went back to his family 's camp after going to the bathroom . He came out of the brush and found that they were roasting marshmallows . Susan Jecong said , " Do you hear something ? " Albert Jecong took a rock to throw at whatever was going to come through the brush . The figure emerged and Mr . Jecong put down the rock and said , " It 's you . Do you want some marshmallows ? " John patted his tummy . His mother said , " You 're full ? " The werewolf nodded and put his hands against the side of his face . His father said , " You 're tired already ? All right . " John went back to his tent . He got out of his clothes , put them over his bag , curled up on the air mattress , and started to sleep . Some time later , the door 's zipper sounded and by the smell , it was his brother . Joey got out of his clothes , put on his pajamas , got in his sleeping bag , and went to sleep . He said , " Good night . " No response from his brother , just simple breathing . He must of been sound asleep . Joey thought that this was funny and got in his sleeping bag . John woke up feeling cold . It was morning already and he had transformed to his human form . He put on his sweat pants and shirt and got back on the mattress . He got a few more hours of sleep , but it was then time to start the day . After a quick breakfast of eggs and sausage , they packed up and headed home . They had fun , but John loved it more because that was his first time in a natural environment . His parents decided it was time to tell some people . They began with their immediate family . When they gathered for Easter , He showed his relatives everything . They actually saw him transform . Only the little children didn 't . They were brought in afterwards and they were told that this was their cousin . John on his own decided to bring in his priest and his doctor on the secret . The priest , Father Clarence and the doctor . Dr . Alan Emerson took it quite well . Fr . Clarence was brought in because he was curious why the boy was troubled so much . John showed him in his office . Dr . Emerson noted that his patient , who he had known since he was a baby , was developing in ways that normal boys didn 't . John 's stats increased dramatically since his last visit . From the doctor 's judgement , there was no way that his stats could of increased that much in that short amount of time . He showed him during his doctor 's visit . Dr . Emerson decided to keep a secret file at home . When he was 16 , he went to summer camp . He wondered what to do , but he had developed his stealth abilities . He was sneaking out when he was stopped . The person who stopped him was a security guard who served as patrol to make sure curfew was enforced . John knew he was caught , sat down , and he started to ponder what would happen . He and his family took classes to learn how to sign so that they could communicate , but those lessons were useless because no one here knew signing . What happened next was something that he couldn 't anticipate . Turns out that Animal Control was called as soon as he was found and before he knew it , he was hit with a tranquilizer dart . John woke up in some kind of holding area , but this wasn 't a police station . This was some sort of lab because he could see people go by in lab coats . Who were these people ? A man looked at him pressed the intercom button and said , " I 'm Dr Forester . If you can understand me , Raise your left hand . " John did what he was told . He didn 't know what would happen if he didn 't . Dr . Forester and his group left . John was exhausted , so took this opportunity and went to sleep . When he woke up , he was back to being human . He was so hungry because he had gone though two transformations without eating . He banged on the glass door and shouted , " I 'm hungry . " He sat down on the bed and waited . A guard came in armed and brought an omelet . John said , " I 'm harmless . Please let me go home . " The guard said nothing and left . John wondered what these people were going to do with him and some time later , the guard came back to take him to a big room . " Is he in there ? " A guard said , " Yes , Mr . Sorenson . Theodore Sorenson was Chief of Special Operations of a covert group that looked out for national security . A little over 18 years ago , he was made aware of this kind of creature by his mentor General Ronald Thompson at Area 51 . Back then he was a minor person there , but he rose through the ranks quickly . He hadn 't believed in these things , but after viewing the footage , he set about making his life 's mission to understand these creatures . They never caught a real one , so this one was the first . Gen . Thompson had told him that a creature like this was brought from the future to advert nuclear war and that he was responsible for the sending . As he looked through the one way mirror , he noticed that this person matched the description of the one who came from the future . When he was notified , he wanted to meet this young man . With a can of mixed nuts in one hand and a legal pad in the other , he then slowly opened the door to come face to face with the subject known as John Jecong . John sat at the table reading a book . He wasn 't sure how much time had passed , but the only way he knew time had passed was when he transformed . So far he hadn 't since he was brought in . So it was still the second day of him being here . Then he became concerned for his parents . Who know what they knew about his whereabouts . The door opened to reveal a middle - aged man in a suit . He held out his hand and said , " I 'm Mr . Theodore Sorenson . " John stood up and shook his hand . Sorenson was amazed . This young boy conducted himself very well despite what he was and his current predicament . Sorenson said , " I must thank you for doing what you did almost 19 years ago . " John was shocked . This man was thanking him for something that he couldn 't of possibly done . Sorenson caught on to the boy 's confusion and said , " At that time , my mentor General Thompson got a visit from a 21 year old man who claimed to be from the future . While it was a longshot to believe , it was even harder to believe that he was a werewolf like yourself . However you and him bear a strong resemblance to each other . " He then went to the disc player and showed him amazing footage . This man he was talking about was himself , but older . Then when the man transformed into a werewolf , his markings were just like his . John couldn 't deny it . Somehow a version of him came from a postapocalyptic future to a time before he was born and the destruction of civilization never happened , but what happened to him ? John asked , " If that 's me , what happened to that me ? " Mr . Sorenson said , " You were going to be transferred to a safe house so that you wouldn 't be bothered by the outside world , but you were killed by men working for another country . " John had a tough time accepting that he was killed , but that was someone else . That John didn 't exist anymore . The two lived different lives . He then asked , " Why am I here ? " Sorenson said , " Following that initial encounter and the loss of the only werewolf recorded , I rose through the ranks for the sole purpose of trying to understanThe guards came and they were new because they were shocked at his appearance . They said , " Come along peacefully . Supper is waiting . " John nodded and walked with them . He could hear the guards ' heartbeats . They were scared of him much like prey was of their predator . He was led to the same room and he saw a big chunk of raw meat that was the size of a watermelon and a half . He his eyes grew big and he started to salivate . John then remembered his manners and licked the saliva from his lips . He sat down and dug his fangs into the meat , ripped the meat out of the chunk , chewed , and swallowed . It tasted so good . When he was done , he used the napkin to clean his mouth . He was now ready for those tests . The guards then led him to a room full of workout equipment and biobeds . Doctors were everywhere and they were ready to conduct the tests . If he had any second thoughts there would be no way to communicate that , but he didn 't have any . If they wanted these things done , then who was he to argue with ? They hooked him up to some of the workout equipment and were amazed at the strength he had . They then showed him to a treadmill . At first it was slow so John walked , but the speed increased and he got lower and lower to the ground . Eventually , it went so fast , he had to run on all fours to keep up . Then it slowed and stopped . They took x - rays and collected various fluid samples . John was tired and indicated this to the scientists . One of them said , " You 've done good work . A guard will take you back . Tomorrow we will conduct the same tests in your human form to analyze the differences . " He followed the guards back to his room and he collapsed on the cot and slept soundly . In the morning , after breakfast , they put him through the same tests . Over the next three days , he waited for the results . At that time he met with Sorenson as the doctors announced their findings . The fluid samples were the same in both cases , but in instances of physical prowess , he performed better as a werewolf than as a human . The only senses that improved upon transformation was sight , touch , and taste . Smell and hearing remained the same . Sorenson thanked John for his time and said , " We 'll be driving you back home now . " John said , " What are you going to do with the tests ? " Theodore Sorenson said , " Well , once the report is drawn up , we 're going to destroy the samples . The report will be filed with all the other secret documents . " John was led to a car and the driver took him home . When he got there , his parents were glad that he was alive . They asked where he had been , but John told them what he knew , which wasn 't that much . He still wanted to tell his friends all the way through High school , but he knew that there almost no chance that they would accept him . They would likely view him as a freak . Then there was that ultimatum . Every senior must go on the senior retreat or they don 't graduate . The only way they could get out of it was if there was some serious ailment . John could of asked Dr . Emerson , but didn 't want the doctor to misuse his authority . John didn 't want to go because there was going to be a full moon on all the nights of the retreat . Just how was he supposed to not have people notice ? He thought about it until that very first night . After the last time he went to summer camp , he wasn 't sure just how were his friends would accept him if they found out . His friends Ted , Jeff , Louise , Rosie , and Zoe were with some of their other classmates playing Monopoly . John knew the sun was going down . The full moon would rise in a few hours and he still didn 't know what to do . He sneaked back to the cabin and changed his clothes . He went through the change alone and was about to step out to go roam the forest until everyone was asleep when the door opened and Jeff came in . He shouted , and yelled for help as loud as he could . John was surrounded . The window was closed and he couldn 't get it opened in time . Some of the teachers came in and looked at him . John didn 't know how he was going to get out of this one , but then he thought of something . He went to his bed , opened his suitcase and took out his Student ID . He pointed to his human face and pointed to his wolfish face . Ted was there also and he said , " John is that you ? " The werewolf nodded . Jeff said , " Can you talk ? " John replied in grunts and other animal sounds . The people guessed not . He said , " Give him some room , he looks uncomfortable . " The people went out the door and gave him eAfter high school , he enrolled in a small college in a big city , Houston . Since he was required to have a roommate that first year , he wondered just how he was supposed to prevent his roommate from knowing his secret . However , try as he might , he knew that there was no way . He thought that he 'd go out and roam the streets at night , but college was more intense than high school and thus he needed to stay in his room to study . . Luckily his roomie had a DVD player . He recorded one of his transformation because he knew that this would happen . His roommate 's name was Mike Sloane . His favorite thing was mysteries . He 'd read mystery books , watch mystery movies , and even a show called Scooby - Doo . John said , " I really an a werewolf . " Mike said , " Sure , perhaps Freud was right . " John said , " I 'm fully aware of that particular diagnosis , but I speak the truth . Here 's this disk . " Mike put in the disk and couldn 't believe his eyes . Even with today 's technology , this would be hard to fake . He even scanned it to make sure . His computer said that it was real , but he wasn 't satisfied . He said , " Go on change . " John said , " Not right now . Wait until the night of the full moon . Transformations take a lot of energy . " Mike agreed and a few weeks later , he said , " Aren 't you going to change now ? " John said , " Yes , but let me put my other clothes on . " Mike said , " Why ? " John said , " I have a set of clothes that I do my changing in . The clothes I have now aren 't suitable . My parents said I can 't mess up anymore of my clothes . " He then went into the bathroom to change clothes and he came out wearing worn out clothes . He smiled and said , " Don 't be too scared now . " He was overcome by a tingling sensation and started to change . Mike was starting to wish that he hadn 't said that wanted to see the transformation . He saw his roommate 's shirt expand as fur started to sprout from his bare arms . The ears started to get pointed as his head changed into one that was more wolfish . A furry tail sprouted from his seat of his pants and his legs and arms reshaped themselves . John stretched a bit . Mike was stuttering , " You were telling the truth . " The werewolf nodded . Mike said , " Well say something like told you so . " Johnny spoke , but it came out as wolf sounds . Mike said , " In that form , you can 't talk in a human language ? " Johnny shook his head . He then went to his fridge and got out some fried chicken and ate it . He then got on his bed , laying on it with his belly on the mattress . He reached over to his backpack , took out a book , and started to read it ; his tail occasionally moving . Mike went back to doing his own homework , but occasionally looked back at him . He knew that a college roommate might be strange , but he didn 't expect this . Soon it was time for both of them to go to bed . John looked at the clock . It was getting late . He yawned and got ready for bed . He went to the bathroom to do what he needed to do , then came out . He took his shirt and jeans off and put them in the drawer . John then pulled the sheet over his furry body and started to sleep . He made sure that the door was locked so they would have some time to prepare for unexpected guests . Mike got in his bed and looked at his roommate thinking he was acting so very human despite having a nonhuman shape . Just as he was closing his eyes , the fire alarm rang . John opened his eyes and the sound was bothering him so much he started to howl in pain . It was annoying to Mike 's human ears , but was much worse to John 's different ears . It was a good thing the alarm was loud enough to drown out the howling . John thought quickly and put his pants on . Mike said , " I guess you don 't want to be seen . He opened the sliding door and was gone in a flash of light . John stayed in the shadows where he could see the people and not be seen . Soon people started to go back to their rooms . John crept slowly along the room and dropped down to the ground floor and stepped back into his room . With the fire drill done , he got into bed and slept . In the morning , he woke up being human again and went to go take a bath . Afterwards , he got dressed and went to the cafeteria to eat breakfast . Some students saw him eat and were amazed by the amount he ate which was a lot for one person , but not that much . He knew that he could basically eat anything edible in any form and that his metabolism would process it . Most of the energy gathered from consuming biomaterial was used for transformations and a special move that he coined the Beast Rush , but he wondered where he got the idea for the name for a move that he never learned . The rest was used for normal activity . For most of his life , he undertook martial arts lessons , but here he didn 't have the opportunity to continue , so he built upon what he had learned and exercised each day in both forms because it felt necessary . Statistically , he was better than any human of the same age , height and weight . Also , he could probably outperform anyone he came across , but he didn 't exploit his seeming superhuman abilities . In his wolf form , those physical abilities were tripled . He often explained to Mike that he was always careful because he knew that if people found out what he was , the reaction would be extremely negative . They would seek to capture him and put him on display like he was some freak . He even told him the dreams he had . He then decided it was time to see how the hunt against the demonic was going . He surfed the Web and used the access code that he remembered somehow . He promptly got a response . It was a message that the main point was , " How did you learn of us ? " John made his case that he just knew , but didn 't know how . He got another message that he would receive a visitor by the name of Mandi Belades . She touched his head and seemingly impossible memories came forward . She then told him . He said , " Oh . " She said , " Well as a member of the Hunters , I will talk to those in charge . Since you know so much , I think you will be a member . " He kept a watch on his computer and soon a message came back that said that despite being a werewolf , there was no denying his memories of a past , yet present lifetime , so they made him a member . John finally knew just how he knew what he knew . Somehow , someway , his spirit of this other life became his spirit of his present life . Everything Sorenson said was true . He kept in close contact and offered information that the other Hunters didn 't know . Everything was going fine , but then he heard rumors going around that someone spotted a creature roaming the rooftop on the night that they had the fire drill . A girl named Valerie said , " I heard from my reliable sources that some kind of wolf creature was stalking the rooftops . " A guy named Bobby said , " Right , and I 'm a Klingon . " Another girl , Suzie said , " There was . It had fiery eyes , drooling fangs , and the darkest fur . " John groaned to himself . Those were all stereotypes of his kind . They might be true , but almost everything that common people knew about werewolves were from the movies . If only they got to know the real him , but he knew that would never be . Most people thought werewolves were bloodthirsty and cold - blooded killers if they really existed , but common people thought that they only existed in the movies . One morning , John woke up and stretched to begin the day . He opened his eyes , but something was wrong . His vision was monochromatic . He ran to the mirror and yelled , " Oh , no ! " His roommate woke up and said , " What 's wrong ? Hey , I can understand you . " John realized that he could speak normally , but he was stuck in wolf form . Out of all days this had to happen . He had to give a short presentation in his Astronomy class . Was he losing control ? Mike ran to his computer and turned it on . He quickly searched for recent stellar phenomenon . He said , " Turns out that the planets and the moons are arranged in this way . " John asked , " How long will they stay like that ? " Mike said , " Through the rest of the day . " John said , " I must go through this day as best I can which means I must go out . " Mike said , " What about your secret ? " John said , " That 's something that I have to live with . " He went to the bathroom and took a bath . It was very odd because he had always been human when he took a bath . He used the towel to dry himself as much as he could , but his fur was still damp . He plugged in the blow dryer and dried off his fur fully that way . He put on his clothes and looked his best , but there was that face of his . Mike said , " So I can 't convince you to stay ? " John said , " Not really . " He made sure he had everything , took a deep breath , and walked out the door . No one was in the hall . He walked down the stairs and walked into the courtyard . He saw no one yet , but he could hear numerous sounds of students getting ready to start the day . He walked to the main doors , no one yet , but that would soon change . He passed in front of the front desk and heard a scream . John turned and waved saying , " Hello , Nancy . " John then went out the double doors to go have breakfast . Things were calmer than he thought they were . He got mostly stares . He entered the Cafeteria and he piled his plate with everything he could manage : two over - easy eggs , 2 sausage patties , a scoop of hash browns , a biscuit with jam and butter , a big glass of chocolate milk , anJohn , as soon as he could , got an apartment . Mike joined him as they continued their odd friendship . John and Mike continued the lives of bachelors . Mike got his degree in psychology and John got his degree in biology . Through John , Mike got to be a member of the Hunters . They then got a message that there was going to be an expedition to Europe . They decided it was time to put Dracula to rest forever . John took a leave of absence . He said that it was personal , but in reality it was something else . He traveled to Philadelphia where he met the others who would be going . There was Brent DyNasty a pirate , Travis Oldrey a soldier , and Damien a vampire who was the grandson of Alucard who was perhaps the most well known good vampire . Mandi Belnades went along . Their leader was Derek Belmont . They had traveled here from all parts of the nation . They had roots from all over the world and their destination would be France where they would take a train to Romania where the ancient land of Transylvania laid . John thought that Damien wouldn 't last in the daylight since all vampires turned to dust in sunlight . Mandi said , " He 's quarter vampire and 3 / 4 human . He has all the powers of a vampire , but none of the weaknesses . " He said , " Oh . " They each showed their boarding passes and boarded the plane . They were all seated next to each other in the first class section of the plane . They went through the entire journey to Romania without any problems . After a few days travel by bus , they made it to Transylvania . This ancient land hadn 't changed much in the centuries since it became famous . The people in the village eyed them suspiciously . They paid for rooms that were next to each other . They met in the middle room to plan their strategy . John hadn 't faced this stuff before so one or another had to explain things to him . Derek said , " The best way is through the sewer . There are less monsters . Brent said , " Of course there is . What about serpents and such ? " Travis said , " Well , I 'm sure that you 'll just stick with the ceilings avoiding the slimy water . " Damien said , " I could just turn into a bat , fly up to the highest tower and destroy him . " Mandi said , " No . He takes on many forms . He 's too much for one being to handle Isn 't that right Derek ? " He said , " Yea . Reinhardt and Trevor needed help . We all need to attack him at the same time . " John said , " Yea , but that leaves us with the question of how to get in . " Derek said , " We will break into teams . John and Damien , I will team up with Mandi and Brent will go with Travis . We know where he is , the highest tower . " They dispersed going through different routes and promised to meet each other at the base of the highest tower . Getting there was no small feat since the castle was fortified with various creatures . The sun had just gone down , things were going to get intense . Damien and John , in his wolf form went in first . Damien took off his sunglasses and said , " What a horrible night to have a curse . " John gave him a odd face . Damien said , " Nothing . " They each went their separate ways . It was many hours before they all reached the base of the tower . On the way to the central tower , Derek and Mandi had the unfortunate opportunity to have met the Grim Reaper , Damien and John came face to face with Dr . Frankenstein 's long forgotten monster , and Travis and Brent met up with a couple of mummies . They climbed it and came upon a big door with the crest of Dracula 's clan . John and Damien pressed upon the door . They entered a big gothic room . In the middle was a casket . Derek , being the descendent of the legendary Belmonts , was given the option of opening it . He did so , but it appeared to be empty . Travis said , ' " He 's gone . " John growled and looked around . Mandi said , " He 's still here . I can feel it . " Damien said , " Come on out . " A haunting voice said , " Why should I listen to the voice of the offspring of a impudent son or the growl of an ornery werewolf . " A shadow appeared on the floor and the Count rose out of it and started his attack . He split into multiple copies of himself . Each hero had to deal with a separate copy . However they seemed to be invincible . John sensed something was odd . He broke of his attack and dived for the air . He performed his most powerful Beast Rush and instead of a blue aura , this was had a red one . The copies disappeared . Dracula knocked John back with a blast and shouted , " How dare you . wolfman . " Dracula then shook as he summoned the powers of darkness . He became this hulking gargoyle . They dispatched that form just as easily . The monsters head split open as the brain flew out and grew larger . It then grew four heads one to each side . The heads spit out acid that burned into Travis ' armor , he threw it off as the acid ate the rest of it . Mandi used an ice spell and froze the demonic entity . She then summoned a bolt of lightning which shattered the thing . The castle shook and they were transported to some place . Globs of goo coalesced . The goo became bigger and formed a dragon . They all attacked with all their might . The dragon then began losing energy . They returned to where they were . Sunlight peeked through the window when Mandi blasted it with a fireball . Damien put on his sunglasses . Dracula 's body became many bats but they all burned up in the day light . She reached into a pouch and tossed herbs about and said , " Never again . " Derek looking towards the window with the morningThey went back to America and parted their ways . John came back to Houston . Mike asked him , " So did you win . " John said , " Yes . Dracula will torment this world no longer . " There was then a knock at the door . It was Lucy . She said , " I heard you went to Transylvania . " He said , " I did . " She then did something unexpected . She hugged him and said , " I thought you 'd never get back . " She then told how she had feelings for him . They dated for a while and married once they turned 25 . Soon there after , they had a son . They named him Josh . Years later , they would discover that he had the same talent as his fathers before him . John and Lucy debated on what to say . They clearly had opposing views which they had been discussing for nearly 13 years . Josh didn 't know the truth because his parents were able to hid it . John simply told his son that he had an extra job that he worked at during the night . They thought that Josh would eventually catch on before he turned 13 , but he didn 't since it seemed so random that his father wasn 't there . It never occurred to him that the full moon was a factor . It was soon approaching Josh 's 13 birthday and the couple knew that they had to decide soon or else . John said , " I had to sort everything out for myself at that age . I think we should allow our son the same thing . " They then agreed finally . They would be away so that Josh would think that his parents weren 't home . A few hours before moon rise they left , but to the street behind their house . They could still keep a watch on the house . John got out the car and said , " Wait here for about an hour after the full moon rises and go back home . " In the shadows , he transformed and knew what his son was going through . Josh was gripped by unnatural pain . It was as his body was on fire . The pain as unexpected as it started , it ended . He opened his eyes and something wasn 't right because he was seeing everything in black and white . His legs wobbled and he went to the bathroom to see if he was okay , but his heart raced . As he reached for the knob , he looked at his hands and was horrified . They looked like paws . He rushed in and looked in the mirror and saw wolfish face . He though that this was all a hoax so he moved his arms about and the image in the mirror did the same thing . He howled in sadness . Thankfully his parents weren 't there . Why was this happening to him . His parents had told him they 'd be home soon because his mother had called before he changed . He sat down on the toilet and cried . He then heard a car pull up . He looked outside became horrified because his parents were here . He took off his shredded shoes and shocks and took off his shirt , opened the bathroom window and jumped out . Strange smells and sounds became known , but that didn 't matter . All he wanted to get away from his house . He dropped down into his neighbor 's yard and was greeted by a female terrier named Trixie . She said , " Who are you ? " Josh was stunned . The dog was talking to him . He said , " It 's me Josh . I live next door . " She said , " But Josh is human . " So he said , " It turns out I 'm a werewolf . " She said , " Where are you going ? " Josh said , " I 'm running away from home . " I don 't want to see my parents seeing me like this . " She said , " Good luck . " Josh climbed over the fence and Trixie sighed , " How sad that a boy has to put up with that . " The neighborhood dogs were all wondering the same thing and they felt sorry for him . He didn 't know where he was going and he didn 't care but he was soon blocked by the strangest sight . It was another like him , but how was that possible ? Then it hit him , he answered his own question , if becoming a werewolf was possible , anything was . The bigger werewolf then opened his mouth sounding just like a wolf , but Josh realized that he could understand . The werewolf said , " What have I told you about going out on a school night , hmm ? " Josh said , hearing how he talked , " What are you talking about ? Who are you ? " The werewolf said , " Let 's go home . " Josh was so confused that nothing made sense , but he felt that he should stay with this werewolf rather than go home . The other got on all fours and ran in the direction that his home was , but hopefully it didn 't lead directly to his house . Josh got on all fours reluctanly because all this time he had been going on two legs and followed the stranger . He realized that he was home . The werewolf climbed the tree and jumped to the second floor and he said , " Come on . Your mother 's probably worried about where you are . " The werewolf knocked on the window and it opened . He heard his mom 's voice and it said , " Come on in son , it can 't be that bad . " Josh wondered if his parents knew what was going on . If so , who was that wolf ? Some relative of his ? Josh climbed the tree and almost lost his footing , but he made it . He walked the halls and found his mother with the werewolf at the dinner table . She said , " I 'm sure you 're hungry . I got a roast in the oven , so you two will just have to wait . " Josh said , " Who 's this other werewolf ? " Lucy Jecong said , " You 're probably wondering about all this . As if adolescence isn 't difficult to begin with . You probably haven 't even recognized your Dad yet . " Josh groaned , " Is that you Dad ? " John said , " Sure is , welcome to the start of a new phase in life . " Josh 's confusion was lessening , but other emotions were starting to surface . John said , " I 'd watch my emotions if I were you , young man . They can be very intense in that form and at your age . " Josh tried to calm down , but he still was very frustrated . He said , " Why didn 't you tell me anything . " Lucy kept to the roast , and as much as she wanted to , she knew that she wouldn 't be able to participate in the discussion since it was going to be one - sided . John said , " The reason we didn 't tell you Josh was because I didn 't know what was going to happen to meThey then spent the rest of the night , after supper , talking in the basement which was their comfort room . John said , " You see son , werewolves have existed for a long time , at least that 's what I 'm told . " Josh said , " I don 't want to kill , even if I am one . " John said , " Your statement is a rational one . Most people think werewolves are evil , but like people , we have our good points and our bad points . If you are a good person , you 'll use your powers for good purposes . Only evil people would exploit being a werewolf . The only thing is that when you transform , you need to eat . " Josh said , " So you 're saying Dad , that nothing really has changed except my body ? " John said , " That 's right . From now on , we 'll be eating later than normal and it will be mostly meat for obvious reasons . When we are human , the only thing that remains is our heightened senses and attributes . During your free time , I 'll teach you how to shift between forms at anytime and how to use the technique called the Beast Rush . " Josh said , " That reminds me . When , am I going to go back to being human ? " John said , " Well , in the morning . Right now , just go back with your normal routines . You see while the full moon is out , werewolves can 't go back to be human , but at other times , it comes with practice . So do you have more homework to do ? " Josh nodded . John then said , " Well , hop to it , young man . " Josh went back to his room and started back on his homework . Lucy looking at her son walk up the stairs quietly asked her husband , " Did you to talk it over ? " The older werewolf nodded . She said , " Do you think there will be problems ? " The werewolf replied with a shrug . She said , " I guess we 'll have to take it one day at a time . " It was difficult to concentrate , but he managed to get it done . He was amazed that even though he was a werewolf , his brain hadn 't changed much , but his brain was feeding him more information than usual because of his enhanced senses . He finished and got ready for bed . First he bushed his teeth , and used the toilet even though he didn 't want to , but he really needed to go . He then went back to his room and got in bed , but he had to sleep on his side because of his tail . Josh , even though he was in bed , didn 't want to sleep just yet . He was troubled . He wished his father would of told him sooner . He was angry and growled lightly . He brought his paws up to his face , looked at them and became sad . All that fur made him feel worse . He liked being normal . Just how was this supposed to be normal ? He read the news about the increase of people with strange powers , about mutants . The rise had been in young people and the news wasn 't positive . Common people feared them , and he felt that they would fear him . Even though he wasn 't a mutant , he felt that people would view him in the same way . He sighed , " Why me ? "

2025 : Year of the Helix . After decades of government fighting about genetics . World opinion has turned against geneticists . There is passing of laws in the United Nations that would eliminate everything concerning genetics . However , a grace period has been granted . Until these laws passed , scientists and citizens could do what they want without threat of prosecution . Unbeknownst to anyone , nuclear war was adverted by an unknown visitor who claimed to be from the future . Susan Jecong gave birth to a healthy baby boy , but the doctor summoned the new parents . Dr . Milo Burnett has some bad news for them . Mrs . Jecong said , " What is it . You said my baby was healthy . " Dr . Burnett said , " Yes he is . However , you Mr . Jecong aren 't the father . " Mr . Albert Jecong almost hit the doctor , but said flatly , " I 'm not ? " Dr . Burnett presented a chart . He said , " This sequence in the middle is your son 's . The one to the right is your wife 's but the one to left is not you . " Mr . Jecong asked , " Well who does it belong to ? " Dr . Burnett said , " It belongs to a person of Asian descent , specifically from Japan . You know , It 's kinda odd because this sequence looks familiar . Oh , now I remember . The cops found a man bearing the same sequence . A man living in the country thought he saw some kind of wolf attacking his chickens . However , when he stepped in for a closer look , he saw a dead man . He had no identification We 've been unable to even find anyone bearing his sequence . My recommendation , sir , is to love him no less . " The Jecongs went home . They could of argued , but they both knew that she couldn 't of had an affair . They said nothing and the issue was over . " John , do you want any friends over for your birthday party ? " Susan Jecong said to her son . John said , " No , family 's enough . " 5 year old Joey said , " Happy Birthday , Big Brother . " John said , " It 's not my birthday yet . There 's seven days to go . " Joey had some difficulty understanding time and a few hours later he wished him a happy birthday again . He also didn 't know why his older brother looked so different from him . In fact he bore no resemblance to neither of his parents . The only thing that looked like his mother 's what his ears and nose . In fact , the only way that you could tell that John was related was through a DNA test . They could tell that everything else came from his father . His little brother however looked more like his parent 's child . Someday Joey would be told , but that would be years from now . Johnny Jecong was a nice kid in school well liked by many . He played baseball in school and did well in his studies . Life in a little town was better than living in stuffy city , yet over the years , his town was becoming crowded as apparently others thought of the same thing . So maybe moving to a larger city would be best . His birthday was celebrated without much surprise . Then one night soon afterwards , he had the strangest dream he ever had . He saw a boy that looked exactly like himself . He saw him grow up and go to the past ? The young man died 21 years from his present . Then the scene switched with a first person perspective of running swiftly through the forest . Then he saw the full moon and heard an unnatural howl . It all seemed so real . He woke up and was troubled by the dream , but didn 't tell anyone . His brother had woken up first and started to put his things in his backpack for school . His mother dropped his little brother off at Elementary School and then dropped him off at Junior High . Next year , he 'd be moving on to High School and he was so excited . That night , he ate more than what he usually ate for supper and his mother said , " Stop wolfing it down . " His father said , " He 's a growing boy . Let him be . " After supper , the brothers went up to their room to do their homework . John had real homework that took a while to complete . His little brother however , didn 't have that much homework . His parents insisted that they go to bed at the same time , so for the rest of the night , Joey would draw pictures . It made him feel older . Suddenly he was gripped with burning pain and he fell out of his chair . It was more intense than the time that he broke his leg after falling from a tree . He screamed out in pain as his vocal cords changed . His little brother was too terrified to do anything but cowered in the corner in extreme fear as he heard his brother 's screaming turn from sounding human to something not quite human , but not quite animal . John 's body then underwent horrifying changes that were very overwhelming . Hairs started to sprout all over his skin . His t - shirt bulged and started to tear . His tennis shoes split as paws escaped from them . He thought he 'd faint , but the pain stopped before he could . He was weak from the changes that he had difficulty standing . He slowly walked to the mirror while his vision adjusted . Everything he saw was monochrome , his vision was just as sharp if not sharper . Sounds and smells bombarded his ears and nose . He then saw his reflection in the mirror and he howled in sadness because it was the most shocking thing he had ever seen . His parents ran into the room and screamed . His father ran to the closet and got a bat , but Joey regained his senses and pointed to him and said , " Johnny . " His father laid down the bat and they said , " Johnny ? " He nodded and said , " It 's me alright . I 'm afraid to look at myself again . This must be some horrible nightmare . " However , it came out as wolfish sounds and they didn 't understand . He righted is chair , sat in it , put his big paws under his changed face , and cried out howling in anguish . His mother slowly approached him and patted him on the shoulder . His spirits were getting a little better and his furry tail twitched . He knew that they couldn 't understand a word he said , but he was hungry , so he pointed to his mouth . They said , " He must be hungry . " He then looked at himself . He took off his shirt and cast his ruined socks and shoes aside . He followed them downstairs getting used to walking on two misshapen legs . His parents looked in the fridge and found the chicken that theyHe woke up to the sound of his alarm going off and he shut it off for the day . The first thing he notice was his hands were back to normal . He looked at his fingers and wiggled them . His hands ran along the rest of his body . There was no sign of fur anywhere on his body , only the hair that he usually had on his body . In fact , the only trace of what went on the previous night was a hole in the back of his underwear . However , his body was a little more muscular . He looked in the mirror , ran a finger over his chest and felt the improving muscles . Since he was five , he had been doing either martial arts or sports , but had always had a non - muscular body , but because he was different now , he guessed that his human body was going to be more developed than other guys his age . He walked to his jeans that were on the chair . It too had a hole in the same place . He took a bath and put school clothes on . He walked down to breakfast and joined his brother . His mother was making pancakes and she said , " John , was that you making that loud noise last night ? " He said , " The neighborhood dogs wanted to talk nonsense to each other and prevent me from sleeping so I told them to be quite . They became silent quickly and I went to bed . " Joey asked , " What do dogs talk about ? " John said , " Nonsense stuff like getting their fur pulled by a baby , having to eat bad tasting food , and having to sleep in a leaky dog house . Perhaps to dogs it would make sense , but the things they talked about were so absurd that it bothered me . " That day went as normal as the day before . Even though he looked human in every way , his senses were still very much like the night before . He guessed that no matter what the form , there were some things that would stay the same , primarily his senses . He could smell everything in the cafeteria and could identify most of the smells from fried chicken to spaghetti . He knew that at this point in his life , he would begin to undergo changes , but not the kind he experienced last night . As much as he wanted to tell his friends about what happened , he decided against it . Who would believe him ? Even if they did , they might be afraid of him . At lunch , he met with his friends Ted , Jeff , Louise , Rosie , and Zoe . Louise said , " So did you do your homework ? I had so much trouble . " John said , " Yea , no difficulties along the way . " While he was listening to their conversation , his ears picked up numerous other conversations and it was somewhat difficult to pay attention to the one that mattered . The rest of the day went fine and he got home safely . He looked on his calender . He saw that last night was the first night of the full moon . He knew what would follow so he prepared for it because in science class they had studied the phases of the moon a few weeks ago . Before supper his parents called him down to talk about something . His father said , " I 'm not your real father . 13 years ago , we went camping . Your mother was attacked by some large wolf creature . She was all right , no physical injuries , no diseases , but we discovered that she became pregnant . After you were born , your doctor told us that I wasn 't your father . Your father is an unknown person , but on your birth certificate it says that I was the father . We now know the truth of who your real father was because of what you have become . " The rest of the night was just like last night , but they fed him after he had changed . The pain was as intense , but it seemed to be a little less painful . He knew somehow that things would get better and that he would get used to the changes . Things proceeded like that for the following months . He then started to know things that he had learned somehow , but that was impossible . He discovered that he could transform anytime he wished . The only time that he didn 't have a choice was when the full moon came up . Joey had to be told why he shouldn 't tell strangers , but he asked , " Can I tell my friends at school ? " John said , " No . You can 't tell anyone because if people knew what I was , they would hurt me . You wouldn 't want to see your older brother get hurt . " He shook his head . Joey was satisfied with this and felt safe . He knew that if their house was ever broken into while the family was there . The burglars would never make it out alive if they laid a hand on them because of the John 's wolfen sense of territoriality . John knew this too and had to discuss it with his priest . He said , " If I kill an intruder , is it as sinful as killing in cold blood . " The priest replied , " Yes . All murder is the same . However , if you are just as sorry , you will be forgiven by the Heavenly Father . " Halloween was the only time that he could walk the streets the way he looked . People would tell him how realistic his costume was , but if they asked why he couldn 't talk , his parents said , " It 's designed to be realistic . That means no speaking . " One weekend the family went camping . It was customary to go once a year at the same time , but after they booked the campground they realized what the night would bring . However , it was too late to do anything about it because there had to be a 24 hour notice . John said , " It 's all right . No one will notice me . " The family packed up the van and drove to the park . They signed in at the gate and drove to the campground . Out of all the sites , John liked Site 10 the best . They brought the food in a cooler and for lunch , they had fried chicken . The rest of the day , they fished , but caught nothing . The boys wanted to swim , but it wasn 't allowed because of the water 's condition . For supper , the family made sandwiches , but John wouldn 't eat . Why eat now when he would have to eat later . His stomach rumbled with hunger and he wished the moon would be out already . It finally got dark and the full moon started to rise . John quickly got out his socks and shoes and took off his shirt . He walked into the forest as he started to change . He got on all fours to go hunting for a suitable supper . He pointed his snout into the air and began to identify the forest animals . There were some rabbits , but he would have to catch more than one and they were fast and small . A deer would be preferable . He then smelled one and went in the direction of the smell . He saw one through the brush drinking water from a creek . He was about to leap out of it , but decided not to . Instinct told him that the deer would run away having a head start ; better to sneak behind it . So he went around and leaped and killed the deer before it ran away . His fangs dug into the carcass and ripped out the meat . After a few chews , he swallowed the current piece of meat . He got full and left the carcass there . He went to the creek and drank some water and cleaned his mouth of the deer 's blood . He then went back to his family 's camp after going to the bathroom . He came out of the brush and found that they were roasting marshmallows . Susan Jecong said , " Do you hear something ? " Albert Jecong took a rock to throw at whatever was going to come through the brush . The figure emerged and Mr . Jecong put down the rock and said , " It 's you . Do you want some marshmallows ? " John patted his tummy . His mother said , " You 're full ? " The werewolf nodded and put his hands against the side of his face . His father said , " You 're tired already ? All right . " John went back to his tent . He got out of his clothes , put them over his bag , curled up on the air mattress , and started to sleep . Some time later , the door 's zipper sounded and by the smell , it was his brother . Joey got out of his clothes , put on his pajamas , got in his sleeping bag , and went to sleep . He said , " Good night . " No response from his brother , just simple breathing . He must of been sound asleep . Joey thought that this was funny and got in his sleeping bag . John woke up feeling cold . It was morning already and he had transformed to his human form . He put on his sweat pants and shirt and got back on the mattress . He got a few more hours of sleep , but it was then time to start the day . After a quick breakfast of eggs and sausage , they packed up and headed home . They had fun , but John loved it more because that was his first time in a natural environment . His parents decided it was time to tell some people . They began with their immediate family . When they gathered for Easter , He showed his relatives everything . They actually saw him transform . Only the little children didn 't . They were brought in afterwards and they were told that this was their cousin . John on his own decided to bring in his priest and his doctor on the secret . The priest , Father Clarence and the doctor . Dr . Alan Emerson took it quite well . Fr . Clarence was brought in because he was curious why the boy was troubled so much . John showed him in his office . Dr . Emerson noted that his patient , who he had known since he was a baby , was developing in ways that normal boys didn 't . John 's stats increased dramatically since his last visit . From the doctor 's judgement , there was no way that his stats could of increased that much in that short amount of time . He showed him during his doctor 's visit . Dr . Emerson decided to keep a secret file at home . When he was 16 , he went to summer camp . He wondered what to do , but he had developed his stealth abilities . He was sneaking out when he was stopped . The person who stopped him was a security guard who served as patrol to make sure curfew was enforced . John knew he was caught , sat down , and he started to ponder what would happen . He and his family took classes to learn how to sign so that they could communicate , but those lessons were useless because no one here knew signing . What happened next was something that he couldn 't anticipate . Turns out that Animal Control was called as soon as he was found and before he knew it , he was hit with a tranquilizer dart . John woke up in some kind of holding area , but this wasn 't a police station . This was some sort of lab because he could see people go by in lab coats . Who were these people ? A man looked at him pressed the intercom button and said , " I 'm Dr Forester . If you can understand me , Raise your left hand . " John did what he was told . He didn 't know what would happen if he didn 't . Dr . Forester and his group left . John was exhausted , so took this opportunity and went to sleep . When he woke up , he was back to being human . He was so hungry because he had gone though two transformations without eating . He banged on the glass door and shouted , " I 'm hungry . " He sat down on the bed and waited . A guard came in armed and brought an omelet . John said , " I 'm harmless . Please let me go home . " The guard said nothing and left . John wondered what these people were going to do with him and some time later , the guard came back to take him to a big room . " Is he in there ? " A guard said , " Yes , Mr . Sorenson . Theodore Sorenson was Chief of Special Operations of a covert group that looked out for national security . A little over 18 years ago , he was made aware of this kind of creature by his mentor General Ronald Thompson at Area 51 . Back then he was a minor person there , but he rose through the ranks quickly . He hadn 't believed in these things , but after viewing the footage , he set about making his life 's mission to understand these creatures . They never caught a real one , so this one was the first . Gen . Thompson had told him that a creature like this was brought from the future to advert nuclear war and that he was responsible for the sending . As he looked through the one way mirror , he noticed that this person matched the description of the one who came from the future . When he was notified , he wanted to meet this young man . With a can of mixed nuts in one hand and a legal pad in the other , he then slowly opened the door to come face to face with the subject known as John Jecong . John sat at the table reading a book . He wasn 't sure how much time had passed , but the only way he knew time had passed was when he transformed . So far he hadn 't since he was brought in . So it was still the second day of him being here . Then he became concerned for his parents . Who know what they knew about his whereabouts . The door opened to reveal a middle - aged man in a suit . He held out his hand and said , " I 'm Mr . Theodore Sorenson . " John stood up and shook his hand . Sorenson was amazed . This young boy conducted himself very well despite what he was and his current predicament . Sorenson said , " I must thank you for doing what you did almost 19 years ago . " John was shocked . This man was thanking him for something that he couldn 't of possibly done . Sorenson caught on to the boy 's confusion and said , " At that time , my mentor General Thompson got a visit from a 21 year old man who claimed to be from the future . While it was a longshot to believe , it was even harder to believe that he was a werewolf like yourself . However you and him bear a strong resemblance to each other . " He then went to the disc player and showed him amazing footage . This man he was talking about was himself , but older . Then when the man transformed into a werewolf , his markings were just like his . John couldn 't deny it . Somehow a version of him came from a postapocalyptic future to a time before he was born and the destruction of civilization never happened , but what happened to him ? John asked , " If that 's me , what happened to that me ? " Mr . Sorenson said , " You were going to be transferred to a safe house so that you wouldn 't be bothered by the outside world , but you were killed by men working for another country . " John had a tough time accepting that he was killed , but that was someone else . That John didn 't exist anymore . The two lived different lives . He then asked , " Why am I here ? " Sorenson said , " Following that initial encounter and the loss of the only werewolf recorded , I rose through the ranks for the sole purpose of trying to understanThe guards came and they were new because they were shocked at his appearance . They said , " Come along peacefully . Supper is waiting . " John nodded and walked with them . He could hear the guards ' heartbeats . They were scared of him much like prey was of their predator . He was led to the same room and he saw a big chunk of raw meat that was the size of a watermelon and a half . He his eyes grew big and he started to salivate . John then remembered his manners and licked the saliva from his lips . He sat down and dug his fangs into the meat , ripped the meat out of the chunk , chewed , and swallowed . It tasted so good . When he was done , he used the napkin to clean his mouth . He was now ready for those tests . The guards then led him to a room full of workout equipment and biobeds . Doctors were everywhere and they were ready to conduct the tests . If he had any second thoughts there would be no way to communicate that , but he didn 't have any . If they wanted these things done , then who was he to argue with ? They hooked him up to some of the workout equipment and were amazed at the strength he had . They then showed him to a treadmill . At first it was slow so John walked , but the speed increased and he got lower and lower to the ground . Eventually , it went so fast , he had to run on all fours to keep up . Then it slowed and stopped . They took x - rays and collected various fluid samples . John was tired and indicated this to the scientists . One of them said , " You 've done good work . A guard will take you back . Tomorrow we will conduct the same tests in your human form to analyze the differences . " He followed the guards back to his room and he collapsed on the cot and slept soundly . In the morning , after breakfast , they put him through the same tests . Over the next three days , he waited for the results . At that time he met with Sorenson as the doctors announced their findings . The fluid samples were the same in both cases , but in instances of physical prowess , he performed better as a werewolf than as a human . The only senses that improved upon transformation was sight , touch , and taste . Smell and hearing remained the same . Sorenson thanked John for his time and said , " We 'll be driving you back home now . " John said , " What are you going to do with the tests ? " Theodore Sorenson said , " Well , once the report is drawn up , we 're going to destroy the samples . The report will be filed with all the other secret documents . " John was led to a car and the driver took him home . When he got there , his parents were glad that he was alive . They asked where he had been , but John told them what he knew , which wasn 't that much . He still wanted to tell his friends all the way through High school , but he knew that there almost no chance that they would accept him . They would likely view him as a freak . Then there was that ultimatum . Every senior must go on the senior retreat or they don 't graduate . The only way they could get out of it was if there was some serious ailment . John could of asked Dr . Emerson , but didn 't want the doctor to misuse his authority . John didn 't want to go because there was going to be a full moon on all the nights of the retreat . Just how was he supposed to not have people notice ? He thought about it until that very first night . After the last time he went to summer camp , he wasn 't sure just how were his friends would accept him if they found out . His friends Ted , Jeff , Louise , Rosie , and Zoe were with some of their other classmates playing Monopoly . John knew the sun was going down . The full moon would rise in a few hours and he still didn 't know what to do . He sneaked back to the cabin and changed his clothes . He went through the change alone and was about to step out to go roam the forest until everyone was asleep when the door opened and Jeff came in . He shouted , and yelled for help as loud as he could . John was surrounded . The window was closed and he couldn 't get it opened in time . Some of the teachers came in and looked at him . John didn 't know how he was going to get out of this one , but then he thought of something . He went to his bed , opened his suitcase and took out his Student ID . He pointed to his human face and pointed to his wolfish face . Ted was there also and he said , " John is that you ? " The werewolf nodded . Jeff said , " Can you talk ? " John replied in grunts and other animal sounds . The people guessed not . He said , " Give him some room , he looks uncomfortable . " The people went out the door and gave him eAfter high school , he enrolled in a small college in a big city , Houston . Since he was required to have a roommate that first year , he wondered just how he was supposed to prevent his roommate from knowing his secret . However , try as he might , he knew that there was no way . He thought that he 'd go out and roam the streets at night , but college was more intense than high school and thus he needed to stay in his room to study . . Luckily his roomie had a DVD player . He recorded one of his transformation because he knew that this would happen . His roommate 's name was Mike Sloane . His favorite thing was mysteries . He 'd read mystery books , watch mystery movies , and even a show called Scooby - Doo . John said , " I really an a werewolf . " Mike said , " Sure , perhaps Freud was right . " John said , " I 'm fully aware of that particular diagnosis , but I speak the truth . Here 's this disk . " Mike put in the disk and couldn 't believe his eyes . Even with today 's technology , this would be hard to fake . He even scanned it to make sure . His computer said that it was real , but he wasn 't satisfied . He said , " Go on change . " John said , " Not right now . Wait until the night of the full moon . Transformations take a lot of energy . " Mike agreed and a few weeks later , he said , " Aren 't you going to change now ? " John said , " Yes , but let me put my other clothes on . " Mike said , " Why ? " John said , " I have a set of clothes that I do my changing in . The clothes I have now aren 't suitable . My parents said I can 't mess up anymore of my clothes . " He then went into the bathroom to change clothes and he came out wearing worn out clothes . He smiled and said , " Don 't be too scared now . " He was overcome by a tingling sensation and started to change . Mike was starting to wish that he hadn 't said that wanted to see the transformation . He saw his roommate 's shirt expand as fur started to sprout from his bare arms . The ears started to get pointed as his head changed into one that was more wolfish . A furry tail sprouted from his seat of his pants and his legs and arms reshaped themselves . John stretched a bit . Mike was stuttering , " You were telling the truth . " The werewolf nodded . Mike said , " Well say something like told you so . " Johnny spoke , but it came out as wolf sounds . Mike said , " In that form , you can 't talk in a human language ? " Johnny shook his head . He then went to his fridge and got out some fried chicken and ate it . He then got on his bed , laying on it with his belly on the mattress . He reached over to his backpack , took out a book , and started to read it ; his tail occasionally moving . Mike went back to doing his own homework , but occasionally looked back at him . He knew that a college roommate might be strange , but he didn 't expect this . Soon it was time for both of them to go to bed . John looked at the clock . It was getting late . He yawned and got ready for bed . He went to the bathroom to do what he needed to do , then came out . He took his shirt and jeans off and put them in the drawer . John then pulled the sheet over his furry body and started to sleep . He made sure that the door was locked so they would have some time to prepare for unexpected guests . Mike got in his bed and looked at his roommate thinking he was acting so very human despite having a nonhuman shape . Just as he was closing his eyes , the fire alarm rang . John opened his eyes and the sound was bothering him so much he started to howl in pain . It was annoying to Mike 's human ears , but was much worse to John 's different ears . It was a good thing the alarm was loud enough to drown out the howling . John thought quickly and put his pants on . Mike said , " I guess you don 't want to be seen . He opened the sliding door and was gone in a flash of light . John stayed in the shadows where he could see the people and not be seen . Soon people started to go back to their rooms . John crept slowly along the room and dropped down to the ground floor and stepped back into his room . With the fire drill done , he got into bed and slept . In the morning , he woke up being human again and went to go take a bath . Afterwards , he got dressed and went to the cafeteria to eat breakfast . Some students saw him eat and were amazed by the amount he ate which was a lot for one person , but not that much . He knew that he could basically eat anything edible in any form and that his metabolism would process it . Most of the energy gathered from consuming biomaterial was used for transformations and a special move that he coined the Beast Rush , but he wondered where he got the idea for the name for a move that he never learned . The rest was used for normal activity . For most of his life , he undertook martial arts lessons , but here he didn 't have the opportunity to continue , so he built upon what he had learned and exercised each day in both forms because it felt necessary . Statistically , he was better than any human of the same age , height and weight . Also , he could probably outperform anyone he came across , but he didn 't exploit his seeming superhuman abilities . In his wolf form , those physical abilities were tripled . He often explained to Mike that he was always careful because he knew that if people found out what he was , the reaction would be extremely negative . They would seek to capture him and put him on display like he was some freak . He even told him the dreams he had . He then decided it was time to see how the hunt against the demonic was going . He surfed the Web and used the access code that he remembered somehow . He promptly got a response . It was a message that the main point was , " How did you learn of us ? " John made his case that he just knew , but didn 't know how . He got another message that he would receive a visitor by the name of Mandi Belades . She touched his head and seemingly impossible memories came forward . She then told him . He said , " Oh . " She said , " Well as a member of the Hunters , I will talk to those in charge . Since you know so much , I think you will be a member . " He kept a watch on his computer and soon a message came back that said that despite being a werewolf , there was no denying his memories of a past , yet present lifetime , so they made him a member . John finally knew just how he knew what he knew . Somehow , someway , his spirit of this other life became his spirit of his present life . Everything Sorenson said was true . He kept in close contact and offered information that the other Hunters didn 't know . Everything was going fine , but then he heard rumors going around that someone spotted a creature roaming the rooftop on the night that they had the fire drill . A girl named Valerie said , " I heard from my reliable sources that some kind of wolf creature was stalking the rooftops . " A guy named Bobby said , " Right , and I 'm a Klingon . " Another girl , Suzie said , " There was . It had fiery eyes , drooling fangs , and the darkest fur . " John groaned to himself . Those were all stereotypes of his kind . They might be true , but almost everything that common people knew about werewolves were from the movies . If only they got to know the real him , but he knew that would never be . Most people thought werewolves were bloodthirsty and cold - blooded killers if they really existed , but common people thought that they only existed in the movies . One morning , John woke up and stretched to begin the day . He opened his eyes , but something was wrong . His vision was monochromatic . He ran to the mirror and yelled , " Oh , no ! " His roommate woke up and said , " What 's wrong ? Hey , I can understand you . " John realized that he could speak normally , but he was stuck in wolf form . Out of all days this had to happen . He had to give a short presentation in his Astronomy class . Was he losing control ? Mike ran to his computer and turned it on . He quickly searched for recent stellar phenomenon . He said , " Turns out that the planets and the moons are arranged in this way . " John asked , " How long will they stay like that ? " Mike said , " Through the rest of the day . " John said , " I must go through this day as best I can which means I must go out . " Mike said , " What about your secret ? " John said , " That 's something that I have to live with . " He went to the bathroom and took a bath . It was very odd because he had always been human when he took a bath . He used the towel to dry himself as much as he could , but his fur was still damp . He plugged in the blow dryer and dried off his fur fully that way . He put on his clothes and looked his best , but there was that face of his . Mike said , " So I can 't convince you to stay ? " John said , " Not really . " He made sure he had everything , took a deep breath , and walked out the door . No one was in the hall . He walked down the stairs and walked into the courtyard . He saw no one yet , but he could hear numerous sounds of students getting ready to start the day . He walked to the main doors , no one yet , but that would soon change . He passed in front of the front desk and heard a scream . John turned and waved saying , " Hello , Nancy . " John then went out the double doors to go have breakfast . Things were calmer than he thought they were . He got mostly stares . He entered the Cafeteria and he piled his plate with everything he could manage : two over - easy eggs , 2 sausage patties , a scoop of hash browns , a biscuit with jam and butter , a big glass of chocolate milk , anJohn , as soon as he could , got an apartment . Mike joined him as they continued their odd friendship . John and Mike continued the lives of bachelors . Mike got his degree in psychology and John got his degree in biology . Through John , Mike got to be a member of the Hunters . They then got a message that there was going to be an expedition to Europe . They decided it was time to put Dracula to rest forever . John took a leave of absence . He said that it was personal , but in reality it was something else . He traveled to Philadelphia where he met the others who would be going . There was Brent DyNasty a pirate , Travis Oldrey a soldier , and Damien a vampire who was the grandson of Alucard who was perhaps the most well known good vampire . Mandi Belnades went along . Their leader was Derek Belmont . They had traveled here from all parts of the nation . They had roots from all over the world and their destination would be France where they would take a train to Romania where the ancient land of Transylvania laid . John thought that Damien wouldn 't last in the daylight since all vampires turned to dust in sunlight . Mandi said , " He 's quarter vampire and 3 / 4 human . He has all the powers of a vampire , but none of the weaknesses . " He said , " Oh . " They each showed their boarding passes and boarded the plane . They were all seated next to each other in the first class section of the plane . They went through the entire journey to Romania without any problems . After a few days travel by bus , they made it to Transylvania . This ancient land hadn 't changed much in the centuries since it became famous . The people in the village eyed them suspiciously . They paid for rooms that were next to each other . They met in the middle room to plan their strategy . John hadn 't faced this stuff before so one or another had to explain things to him . Derek said , " The best way is through the sewer . There are less monsters . Brent said , " Of course there is . What about serpents and such ? " Travis said , " Well , I 'm sure that you 'll just stick with the ceilings avoiding the slimy water . " Damien said , " I could just turn into a bat , fly up to the highest tower and destroy him . " Mandi said , " No . He takes on many forms . He 's too much for one being to handle Isn 't that right Derek ? " He said , " Yea . Reinhardt and Trevor needed help . We all need to attack him at the same time . " John said , " Yea , but that leaves us with the question of how to get in . " Derek said , " We will break into teams . John and Damien , I will team up with Mandi and Brent will go with Travis . We know where he is , the highest tower . " They dispersed going through different routes and promised to meet each other at the base of the highest tower . Getting there was no small feat since the castle was fortified with various creatures . The sun had just gone down , things were going to get intense . Damien and John , in his wolf form went in first . Damien took off his sunglasses and said , " What a horrible night to have a curse . " John gave him a odd face . Damien said , " Nothing . " They each went their separate ways . It was many hours before they all reached the base of the tower . On the way to the central tower , Derek and Mandi had the unfortunate opportunity to have met the Grim Reaper , Damien and John came face to face with Dr . Frankenstein 's long forgotten monster , and Travis and Brent met up with a couple of mummies . They climbed it and came upon a big door with the crest of Dracula 's clan . John and Damien pressed upon the door . They entered a big gothic room . In the middle was a casket . Derek , being the descendent of the legendary Belmonts , was given the option of opening it . He did so , but it appeared to be empty . Travis said , ' " He 's gone . " John growled and looked around . Mandi said , " He 's still here . I can feel it . " Damien said , " Come on out . " A haunting voice said , " Why should I listen to the voice of the offspring of a impudent son or the growl of an ornery werewolf . " A shadow appeared on the floor and the Count rose out of it and started his attack . He split into multiple copies of himself . Each hero had to deal with a separate copy . However they seemed to be invincible . John sensed something was odd . He broke of his attack and dived for the air . He performed his most powerful Beast Rush and instead of a blue aura , this was had a red one . The copies disappeared . Dracula knocked John back with a blast and shouted , " How dare you . wolfman . " Dracula then shook as he summoned the powers of darkness . He became this hulking gargoyle . They dispatched that form just as easily . The monsters head split open as the brain flew out and grew larger . It then grew four heads one to each side . The heads spit out acid that burned into Travis ' armor , he threw it off as the acid ate the rest of it . Mandi used an ice spell and froze the demonic entity . She then summoned a bolt of lightning which shattered the thing . The castle shook and they were transported to some place . Globs of goo coalesced . The goo became bigger and formed a dragon . They all attacked with all their might . The dragon then began losing energy . They returned to where they were . Sunlight peeked through the window when Mandi blasted it with a fireball . Damien put on his sunglasses . Dracula 's body became many bats but they all burned up in the day light . She reached into a pouch and tossed herbs about and said , " Never again . " Derek looking towards the window with the morningThey went back to America and parted their ways . John came back to Houston . Mike asked him , " So did you win . " John said , " Yes . Dracula will torment this world no longer . " There was then a knock at the door . It was Lucy . She said , " I heard you went to Transylvania . " He said , " I did . " She then did something unexpected . She hugged him and said , " I thought you 'd never get back . " She then told how she had feelings for him . They dated for a while and married once they turned 25 . Soon there after , they had a son . They named him Josh . Years later , they would discover that he had the same talent as his fathers before him . John and Lucy debated on what to say . They clearly had opposing views which they had been discussing for nearly 13 years . Josh didn 't know the truth because his parents were able to hid it . John simply told his son that he had an extra job that he worked at during the night . They thought that Josh would eventually catch on before he turned 13 , but he didn 't since it seemed so random that his father wasn 't there . It never occurred to him that the full moon was a factor . It was soon approaching Josh 's 13 birthday and the couple knew that they had to decide soon or else . John said , " I had to sort everything out for myself at that age . I think we should allow our son the same thing . " They then agreed finally . They would be away so that Josh would think that his parents weren 't home . A few hours before moon rise they left , but to the street behind their house . They could still keep a watch on the house . John got out the car and said , " Wait here for about an hour after the full moon rises and go back home . " In the shadows , he transformed and knew what his son was going through . Josh was gripped by unnatural pain . It was as his body was on fire . The pain as unexpected as it started , it ended . He opened his eyes and something wasn 't right because he was seeing everything in black and white . His legs wobbled and he went to the bathroom to see if he was okay , but his heart raced . As he reached for the knob , he looked at his hands and was horrified . They looked like paws . He rushed in and looked in the mirror and saw wolfish face . He though that this was all a hoax so he moved his arms about and the image in the mirror did the same thing . He howled in sadness . Thankfully his parents weren 't there . Why was this happening to him . His parents had told him they 'd be home soon because his mother had called before he changed . He sat down on the toilet and cried . He then heard a car pull up . He looked outside became horrified because his parents were here . He took off his shredded shoes and shocks and took off his shirt , opened the bathroom window and jumped out . Strange smells and sounds became known , but that didn 't matter . All he wanted to get away from his house . He dropped down into his neighbor 's yard and was greeted by a female terrier named Trixie . She said , " Who are you ? " Josh was stunned . The dog was talking to him . He said , " It 's me Josh . I live next door . " She said , " But Josh is human . " So he said , " It turns out I 'm a werewolf . " She said , " Where are you going ? " Josh said , " I 'm running away from home . " I don 't want to see my parents seeing me like this . " She said , " Good luck . " Josh climbed over the fence and Trixie sighed , " How sad that a boy has to put up with that . " The neighborhood dogs were all wondering the same thing and they felt sorry for him . He didn 't know where he was going and he didn 't care but he was soon blocked by the strangest sight . It was another like him , but how was that possible ? Then it hit him , he answered his own question , if becoming a werewolf was possible , anything was . The bigger werewolf then opened his mouth sounding just like a wolf , but Josh realized that he could understand . The werewolf said , " What have I told you about going out on a school night , hmm ? " Josh said , hearing how he talked , " What are you talking about ? Who are you ? " The werewolf said , " Let 's go home . " Josh was so confused that nothing made sense , but he felt that he should stay with this werewolf rather than go home . The other got on all fours and ran in the direction that his home was , but hopefully it didn 't lead directly to his house . Josh got on all fours reluctanly because all this time he had been going on two legs and followed the stranger . He realized that he was home . The werewolf climbed the tree and jumped to the second floor and he said , " Come on . Your mother 's probably worried about where you are . " The werewolf knocked on the window and it opened . He heard his mom 's voice and it said , " Come on in son , it can 't be that bad . " Josh wondered if his parents knew what was going on . If so , who was that wolf ? Some relative of his ? Josh climbed the tree and almost lost his footing , but he made it . He walked the halls and found his mother with the werewolf at the dinner table . She said , " I 'm sure you 're hungry . I got a roast in the oven , so you two will just have to wait . " Josh said , " Who 's this other werewolf ? " Lucy Jecong said , " You 're probably wondering about all this . As if adolescence isn 't difficult to begin with . You probably haven 't even recognized your Dad yet . " Josh groaned , " Is that you Dad ? " John said , " Sure is , welcome to the start of a new phase in life . " Josh 's confusion was lessening , but other emotions were starting to surface . John said , " I 'd watch my emotions if I were you , young man . They can be very intense in that form and at your age . " Josh tried to calm down , but he still was very frustrated . He said , " Why didn 't you tell me anything . " Lucy kept to the roast , and as much as she wanted to , she knew that she wouldn 't be able to participate in the discussion since it was going to be one - sided . John said , " The reason we didn 't tell you Josh was because I didn 't know what was going to happen to meThey then spent the rest of the night , after supper , talking in the basement which was their comfort room . John said , " You see son , werewolves have existed for a long time , at least that 's what I 'm told . " Josh said , " I don 't want to kill , even if I am one . " John said , " Your statement is a rational one . Most people think werewolves are evil , but like people , we have our good points and our bad points . If you are a good person , you 'll use your powers for good purposes . Only evil people would exploit being a werewolf . The only thing is that when you transform , you need to eat . " Josh said , " So you 're saying Dad , that nothing really has changed except my body ? " John said , " That 's right . From now on , we 'll be eating later than normal and it will be mostly meat for obvious reasons . When we are human , the only thing that remains is our heightened senses and attributes . During your free time , I 'll teach you how to shift between forms at anytime and how to use the technique called the Beast Rush . " Josh said , " That reminds me . When , am I going to go back to being human ? " John said , " Well , in the morning . Right now , just go back with your normal routines . You see while the full moon is out , werewolves can 't go back to be human , but at other times , it comes with practice . So do you have more homework to do ? " Josh nodded . John then said , " Well , hop to it , young man . " Josh went back to his room and started back on his homework . Lucy looking at her son walk up the stairs quietly asked her husband , " Did you to talk it over ? " The older werewolf nodded . She said , " Do you think there will be problems ? " The werewolf replied with a shrug . She said , " I guess we 'll have to take it one day at a time . " It was difficult to concentrate , but he managed to get it done . He was amazed that even though he was a werewolf , his brain hadn 't changed much , but his brain was feeding him more information than usual because of his enhanced senses . He finished and got ready for bed . First he bushed his teeth , and used the toilet even though he didn 't want to , but he really needed to go . He then went back to his room and got in bed , but he had to sleep on his side because of his tail . Josh , even though he was in bed , didn 't want to sleep just yet . He was troubled . He wished his father would of told him sooner . He was angry and growled lightly . He brought his paws up to his face , looked at them and became sad . All that fur made him feel worse . He liked being normal . Just how was this supposed to be normal ? He read the news about the increase of people with strange powers , about mutants . The rise had been in young people and the news wasn 't positive . Common people feared them , and he felt that they would fear him . Even though he wasn 't a mutant , he felt that people would view him in the same way . He sighed , " Why me ? "

Fagan sat on the edge of the well , watching Brianna draw water . Tabitha was telling Brianna about James 's latest escapades around the house , which had included him falling into a pile of horse manure . He smiled slightly , remembering times when Grady and Keelin would have done the same things . Now they claimed they were too " grown up , " to run around as they had done when they were younger , and though they still got into trouble , their household was a good deal quieter , for Ness and Aina were less troublesome than their brothers were . " And so because mama was busy with Charlie , I had to give James a bath … and you know how he hates … " Tabitha stopped short , and Fagan and Brianna followed her gaze . A squad of Fàolan 's men was marching through the town to the ruins of the old walls . " There is a love - a love so much greater than you could ever imagine - waiting out there for you ! It is a love that is perfect , a love that will someday come to take us away from this broken world ! Look around you - do you see peace and joy in the faces of everyone ? No , you do not ! Someday we will be taken away from this broken world , but for some it will only be to go to a world more broken than this , to eternity with Daron . Yet others will go to a land flowing with joy and love , a bright and sunny land , beyond what we can imagine . We will be with the Creator forever ! But we must know that we are broken and know that we have disobeyed him ! " " He is not your - " Fagan stopped , holding his tongue . He took a deep breath . " Can 't you see that he 's just a raving old man ? " " We have our orders , lad , and we mean to fulfill them . If you would like to join the old man in Fàolan 's dungeon and speak to Fàolan yourself about the matter , you may join us . " The soldier eyed Fagan . " Besides , it does look like you 're a strong boy like those Fàolan wants in his army . Perhaps sometime you should enlist . " Fagan saw the earnestness in her face and nodded . Brianna did not show her emotions often , so when she did it often took everyone slightly by surprise . " You won 't lose me , Brianna . You won 't . At least not doing something like that . I won 't do it again . " " Last meeting , we said we wouldn 't hold back , we wouldn 't be shy , that instead of just living it we would tell people about the Creator 's love . Bardan was doing that , but people never listened because he had been doing it for so long that they no longer believed him because they misunderstood his prophecies . Now he 's gone , and they 're not going to be being reminded of the Creator 's laws any more . Who 's going to tell them now ? " " But what ? Why aren 't we ? Why are we sitting here talking amongst ourselves when there are people right here who need to hear ? Tabitha , that man over there . Do you think he 's heard ? " " This is not something stupid ! Their lives , no , not just their lives , their eternity matters in this ! " He looked back at the people in the market , throwing his arm in their direction . " Brianna , I 'm not too young to die . None of us are . " " I know , Fagan , I know . " She looked up at him . " The Creator is going to use us all sometime , and it 's going to be hard when He tells us how . But He will give us the power and strength we need to do His will . " " I want to talk to da , though , before I do anything . I want to know if what I 'm doing is the right thing to do . And I think he and Adan need to hear about Bardan . And there 's something else I want to talk to him about . " " Aye , it does . But it also makes me remember how much people here love me , and how much they would miss me if I went . And it makes me want to hold on if I were ever so sick I was dying , I 'd hold on to life for as long as I could . I don 't want to leave anyone behind . I don 't want to leave them very sad because I 'm gone . Sometimes I wish I could live forever so that I would not ever have to make anyone 's heart break because they were sad . " Jonathan shook his head . " No , I 'm not scared of being dead . Da says I have a home in heaven , and that the Creator is waiting to welcome me there if I only put all of my trust in Him because I 've disobeyed Him and He can 't stand things that are not excellent , but if we trust Him He will make us excellent again and so we will not disobey Him . " " Yes , they do . Mama used to smile and laugh . Da still plays with me , but not as much as before . Whenever I ask him , he says he 's thinking . " " Yes , it made me think of all of the things and people I love . And all of the good memories I had . But those good memories were a long time ago . And while Fàolan still rules , I will not have any more good memories . " " Would you stop it ? " Mikhil said angrily . " And I have seen that Fàolan 's men stick together , unlike those claiming to follow the Creator . I have known some of His followers that truly loved - Some that I truly loved , too - but since then I have seen more of His followers that do not love . Fàolan takes care of his men . " " That you 've been so blinded you do not even realize it . Like Nathan when he let Daron in . They looked excellent , but they really weren 't , but if he had really listened to his heart when he let them in , he would have known that , but he didn 't , so he disobeyed . " Mikhil rolled over and went to sleep . Nigel had been helping Grady with his mathematics when Fagan entered the house . He ran to the boys ' room and knocked on the door . " Yes , da . " Said Grady , sighing slightly and looking back at his work . The tip of his tongue snaked out of the side of his mouth and he bit it in concentration . They walked to the tree house together , and then Fagan pulled down the ladder and climbed up . Nigel followed behind him . Up in the tree house , Fagan leaned against the wall . " I knew it would come to this someday . I only hoped we could have stopped Fàolan before it did happen . Fàolan knows that we are strong . He knows that there are people who do not like him and who will rise up against him . After the battle a few weeks ago he knows it even more , and instead of making us love him more , he is going to suppress those who are against him . " " No , it is not . As a ruler , one must get the people on your side , but you must not compromise what you believe , your standards , or your morals to fit what the people want . Yet you must be a good leader who has integrity and competence and who loves his people and wants the best for them . " " No , da , it is not . There are two more things … I … you know how at the meeting we said that we would not be silent and that we would turn our actions into words . Now that Bardan is gone , there is no one to be frequently telling them … and da , no one else really has the time … but me . " " When I stood and said that I would take it to the market place and tell them of the Creator 's love , I was not thinking of rotting away in Fàolan 's dungeons . But da , if they want to arrest us , I don 't want them to have to make up a charge . If I am going to be executed , be sent to Fàolan 's deepest , darkest , dungeons , or even if I am to live to be an old man with a family and grandchildren … I want there to be all of the evidence needed that I am a follower of the Creator , without a doubt . Not just words , not just actions , but faith , works , and fruit . I do not want to follow Him halfway , da . I gave Him my whole heart a long time ago , and I 'm ready to really find out what that means . " " Aye . I felt a strong tugging at my heart after Bardan was arrested . I was at the well with Tabitha and Brianna , and I saw people going by . People I knew , and people that I knew were not followers of the Creator . But instead of seeing them walk toward their homes , I saw them instead walking away from the Creator . And I don 't want to see people doing that ! Some of them don 't even realize what they are doing . No one really believed Bardan because he had been around for so long and they thought he was crazy . They don 't think I 'm crazy . I don 't mind if they think I 'm crazy , but there is a love that needs to be unleashed here . When Adan said that when we have a ruler that we don 't agree with , either the hearts of the people or the hearts of the ruler need to be changed . Da , we need to change the hearts of the people ! " " I do not think serving the Creator is throwing your life away . I believe that the two of those are antonyms , and that one who is truly following the Creator would not be wasting his life if he were arrested and killed because he was telling the world about the Creator 's love . Nay , I think that is great gain . Fagan , I love you . I love you so much . When you were born , I prayed that the Creator would use you for His purposes . I give you now my blessing to do this . The Creator is fulfilling the prayers of a new father . I knew that there would have to be a time when I would have to let my children make their own decisions , a time when I could not hold on to them any longer but turn them over to the Creator , for as you said , you gave your heart to Him , so you are more His than mine . " " When I fell into the river and almost drowned and then was sick . I thought I was going to die . I didn 't want to leave Brianna , Ahearn , and Brenna without their older brother , especially Brianna . " " Because the Creator gave you the strength to make it through . Hang on to your trust in Him , Fagan . Never let it go . The moment you let it go is the moment you fall and the moment that you will be a coward . He gives us the courage we need . He grants us His power when we are fulfilling His purposes . " They were quiet for a few minutes . Fagan was praying and thinking , and Nigel was looking at his son . He had watched him grow from the time he had been in Enid 's stomach , seeing the " lump " grow every month , feeling him kick and then holding Enid 's hand as Fagan was born . He remembered teaching Fagan how to walk and talk , feeding him and singing to him at night . He remembered sword fighting with sticks and reading the Creator 's law to him . He remembered carrying Fagan home from the river the night Fagan had fallen in . He thought of his oldest son 's cold hands and hot forehead as he had struggled to hang on to life . Nigel remembered seeing Fagan concentrating while doing his studies and watching him try repeatedly to get the angle on the table he was making just right . Now Nigel looked at Fagan and saw that his son was no longer a boy . " You 're growing up , Fagan . I don 't see the little boy Fagan running home to me after going to the market with your mother . I see a strong , hard working , handsome young man who looks out for his sisters and more than anything wants to serve the Creator and listen to his Maker 's call . I see a young man who wants to protect what is right , excellent , and pure . I see a young man with integrity and character . Fagan , you are growing up to be a man of God . " " You have trained me well , da . I thank the Creator every day for parents like you and mama . I love you both so much . And I thank the Creator for Adan . He has taught me so much about what it really means to live for the Creator and how to hear His will . But , da … there 's someone else who has taught me a lot , too , and that was something else I wanted to ask you about . " Nigel 's smile stretched across his whole face . " Fagan , you have my permission to talk to Tabitha 's father about receiving her hand in marriage . There is one thing I want to caution you on , though . " " These are not times to be getting married and having a family , Fagan . These are times of turmoil , especially now with Fàolan becoming more and more hateful toward the followers of the Creator . Tabitha would have to be willing to have her husband in prison and would have to know the costs of you taking Bardan 's place and telling the market place about the Creator . " " I would ask her father now , but I would also mention to him what I believe the Creator is calling me to do . Then I will leave it up to him to decide whether to tell Tabitha yet or not . We are still young , da ; I am willing to wait until after this is all over . Adan says it will be soon . " " Aye , he does . If your heart is set on having Tabitha as your wife , Fagan , I will not restrain you from talking to her father . However , use caution and wisdom when you approach him , and make clear to him your intentions . I know my son likes to guard and protect the young women of our village , but I want to protect my son 's heart . " " I … the … " Fagan started , at first attempting to change the subject . " Iwan - you do not mind if I call you by your first name do you ? " " Iwan , I would like to speak to you about … about … " Fagan took a deep breath . The thought came into his head to say " chickens , " instead of " Your oldest daughter , " but then he blurted it out . " Your oldest daughter . " " Well , you know that she and I have been friends and have grown up together and talked some over the years … " You 're dawdling , Fagan . " I would like to ask you for your daughter Tabitha 's hand in marriage . " " First is that he does not want us to have to live unsettled and does not want us as a new family to have to suffer the kind of hardship Fàolan is beginning to press on followers of the Creator . The second is what I know the Creator is calling me to do right now . Since Bardan 's arrest , I have sensed very strongly the need for the Creator 's love to be preached in the market place and have felt that it is I who am supposed to do this . If I were arrested , that would leave Tabitha on her own and husbandless , perhaps even widowed . I do not want her to have to live with that . " " We sat down after I talked to my father , and she asked me questions about how I would treat my wife , and if I were ready to love and lead and support her . If I would be willing to give my life to save her , and if I were ready to raise children to glorify the Creator . I told her that I would try my best to do so . " " Unlike many of my friends , my father has not been able to train me up for a specific trade because of his job . However , through his example and my schooling I would like to be able to teach . I know a lot about gardening and some about farming , and Tabitha knows more about those things than I do . I would like to have a farm and sell produce and teach my children and any others whose parents cannot teach them . " " Watching and talking to her I have seen that she is a beautiful young woman who likes to and knows how to think , is a follower of the Creator , and has been raised to be a keeper of the home . She understands the blessings of many children , and counts them a greater blessing than a comfortable life . From the time I was very young , I have known that this is the kind of girl I want to marry . " Fagan paused for a moment . " Aye , I can . I follow the Creator because I know that that is what I was created to do , and I know that when I am glorifying Him is when I am most satisfied . I also see the perverseness in the world and I do not want to be a part of that , so in following Him I am making a decision to set myself and my family away from the world . " " To sort through them all would take a very long time . I think , though , that their example of love - as husband and wife , as a father and a mother , and as friends has been one of the greatest lessons . To see the way that they interact with us and people in a way that honors and glorifies the Creator . My father taught me how to think deeply and use discernment in making decisions . My mother taught me how to treat my sisters and in the future my wife with respect and love . " Iwan nodded again . " Fagan , thank you for being open and honest with me . I will talk with my wife about it , and then we will decide whether or not to tell Tabitha yet . We will tell you what we conclude after prayer and much thought . Deciding to give one of our daughters away in marriage is not an easy decision . " " I can imagine , " Fagan said . " My da and I were talking the other day about letting children go . I had asked him what he thought about me taking the Creator 's love to the market place , and although at first he hesitated , he told me that he had prayed that the Creator would use me , and that I had given my heart to the Creator , and that now he had to let me go fulfill what the Creator was telling me to do . I don 't want to leave my father 's protection either , where things are safe and easy , but I know that that is not where I will find life to be its fullest or where I can best serve the Creator right now . " " Thank you for sharing that , Fagan . Nigel is right - there is a time to hold on to things and a time to let them go . Not all of life is going to be easy , and we cannot pursue the path of least resistance or we will never go anywhere . " Iwan smiled . " Fagan , I see Brianna and Tabitha looking your way with a group of the other young men and women . Why don 't you go join them ? " Brianna knit her eyebrows together and looked at Fagan . Then her face softened . " Aye , we are , Fagan . It 's an odd and strange feeling … I 'm not quite sure I like it . " Mikhil sneezed , and then stood up from the couch . As he stood , he looked down at his legs . There were no longer wounds , but the cuts were almost scars now . He lifted his shirt to look at his side . That , too , was almost healed . He could leave ! Finally , after two weeks of staying with Jonathan , Ruth , and John , he could finally be on his way . It seemed like it had been so long between now and when he had made his decision to go to Fàolan . Between then and now he had made plans and his longing to join Fàolan grew . These followers of the Creator were so annoyingly persistent . It almost seemed like they were trying to push what he had rejected back onto him . He wouldn 't take it , no , he had made that decision . He just could not understand why they felt that he should take it back . It was his choice , after all . Mikhil shrugged and pushed the thought away . Using the wall for support , he walked into the kitchen where Ruth was reading to Jonathan . Mikhil nodded . " Aye , I am . My legs feel very strong now . And look - they are no longer ugly and covered in cuts , they 're scars now . " " John 's mother was a healer . She taught him many remedies before she passed away . He has made good use of them , with Jonathan , who manages to get into his fair share of trouble , and with other people in the village as well . Although it is not his job by trade , the villagers look to him as their healer . " " He has done a wonderful job . I feel stronger than I have in years . Healthier , too . It must also be your cooking … I have not had a home - cooked meal for over three years , since I left home to join the Miron . " " I have really enjoyed my time here , Ruth , and I thank you very much for your hospitality . But I really should be going soon . I had planned to arrive at my destination a week ago , and although the delay will not affect much , I would like to be on my way again … " " I understand . We will find you some of John 's clothes that you can wear , and as soon as you can walk , better then you will be free to go . However , I don 't know if Jonathan will let you go . He has very much enjoyed having an older brother around to talk to . " Ruth smiled . " He does ask a lot of questions , that is true . But it 's the way he learns . Sometimes we tell him to find the answer himself instead of us telling him . " Ruth continued to read to Jonathan , and he stared intently at the page while she read . Mikhil listened , deep inside of him wishing to be a part of a family again . But no , he thought . I 'm past all of that . Maybe someday I 'll have a family , but first these followers of the Creator have to submit to Fàolan . Then we will be able to settle down at last , and I can find a woman that I love and marry her and have children . I don 't know of anyone I would like to marry now . There is one , but she would say no now . It would take a miracle for me to be able to marry her . I used to think that when the Miron returned victorious into Poná and marched into the castle , she would be there standing , waiting for me , clapping her hands and throwing flowers at our feet . Now I see that I thought wrong about the Miron and that I also thought wrong about her and realize that she would not have done that anyway . She 's quiet , not like that . If she loves someone , she serves them , not hangs around them a lot to get their attention , even if they don 't give it to her . I used to think that was beautiful . Now I 'm not so sure . Then , I don 't really know what I am sure of any more . Everything is falling apart now . The whole world is . I wonder if anything will ever be back to how it used to be . Though I never knew the world as it used to be , only as it is now . Maybe Fàolan will restore it back to normal ; maybe the people just don 't see that quite yet . Fàolan has been stable , though , and if I 'm looking for stability , that 's where I 'm going to go , and that 's where I 'm going to find it this time . I will go to Fàolan , and I will give him my services … and I will find peace and stability . " So what is it , Fagan ? " " You and Tabitha 's father were talking for a long time over near the edge of the clearing . Tabitha and I kept wondering if you would come and join us . We were talking with Adan about Creation , and I was trying to remember something that da said but you weren 't coming and I wanted to ask you . Then we changed the subject before you came . " Fagan looked up and his eyes met Brianna 's . Her eyes twinkled , knowing she was teasing him some . Then they stopped twinkling , realizing that this was serious to her brother . " Since Mikhil left you know I haven 't been spending time with the guys as much . It hurts too much to be with them because of memories , especially with Mikhil 's brothers . You know I 've been with you and Tabitha more lately . She 's a good friend , Brianna . And I know that she 's going to make a wonderful wife and mother someday . I want to be that man , Brianna . Remember , you said we were growing up . " " You 'll make a good husband for her , Fagan . I know you 'll love her and take very good care of her . I 'll really miss having you around so much . " " I know . That was my biggest hesitation about talking to da about speaking - or even thinking about taking Bardan 's place . Why I almost hesitated when standing up at the meeting . I wanted to marry Tabitha , and I didn 't want anything holding me back . I don 't know which is right , Brianna . " " I think the Creator will make it clear to you , Fagan . I think that He 'll show you which to choose . Maybe there 's a way that you can have both . Like you said , maybe you 'll just have to wait until Fàolan 's gone before you can marry . If it 's God 's will for you to marry Tabitha , then He 'll let you live through Fàolan 's rule . If not , her parents will say no or you 'll die . We can 't do anything that will go against His will . He 's already gotten it all planned out , but He wants us to trust Him . " " No , I know for a fact that I won 't ever be ready to get married . I could never be fully prepared for all of the things that lie ahead . However , I do know that the Creator will give me the strength I need to love my wife and future children and care for them as da does . I want my family to be like ours , I want to be like da . I want my girls to be like you , and my boys to be like Ahearn … I have grown up being so blessed . " Brianna smiled . " Aye , we both have . Mama and da have trained us so well to prepare us for marriage so then we can prepare our children for marriage and teach them about the Creator and raise up another generation of His followers . Think about it , Fagan ! Mama and da are two of His followers … then they had eight children . When all eight of us are married , then we 'll be sixteen , and if we each have eight children , that will be … " " Yes ! See how it multiplies ! And if our families are growing like that , so will our meetings , and then we can be an even bigger witness of the Creator 's love to the world . " " Aye . The world has lost the meaning of having children and training them to leave a legacy . There 's no depth in the world of those who don 't follow the Creator , it has been lost . " Two days later , Mikhil turned and waved as he exited the house . Jonathan stood between his mother and father , and waved back . " Goodbye , Mikhil ! " He said . " It was our pleasure , Mikhil , we are glad to have served you , " John said . " But never forget what those who serve the Creator have done for you . There are many who know not of what they speak . Be wary of them , for they can be convincing and lead you astray . " Now he was finally on his way . He was finally on his way to being one of Fàolan 's captains , and to rising in fame and power . He would be strong , outwardly strong , and not just inwardly strong . Mikhil did not realize that this would tear apart his inward strength and cause him more pain than he could ever have imagined at that point in time . He did not know what Fàolan would ask him to do before the end , he did not realize how cold and hard he would become before he left Fàolan 's service and died . How this walk differed from his last one . Last time , he had been in so much pain and anger . He had been delirious and disillusioned . Maybe he was still disillusioned , not quite sure he was doing the right thing , but the hate in his heart blinded him to such an extent that , as Jonathan had said , he did not even realize it . " If you were not as young and strong as you are , I would choose to have you executed rather than letting you stand before me . Nevertheless , I need young men , and you sound promising . My officials tell me that a week ago a young man your age refused the offer , saying he would choose not to fight . " Fàolan really seems to know how to hit one 's heart . " No , sir . My worldview differed a lot from that of some of my playmates . " " Ah . Here you will find that we are all agreed on those subjects , so you will not have to be bothered with any of that . Go down to the barracks and talk to one of my officers there . He will supply you with the uniform and find a bunk for you . I suggest you find a way to get a weapon , for my armories have run out . I hear there 's a good blacksmith in the village , I 'm sure he would be willing to make you one like the ones my men use . " Slightly startled , Mikhil nodded . He had expected Fàolan would have outfitted him with everything that he needed , not just cast him off to find his own things . He 's busy , Mikhil thought . Bowing slightly as he turned and left the room . After dinner that night , Fagan sat outside on their porch . He sat on the steps , his left elbow on his knee and chin in his hand , his right arm lying limp beside him , picking at the grass . Adan came out and sat beside him , looking up at the stars . " I haven 't heard anything yet . I trust that her father , Iwan , and her mother are still praying about it . I don 't want them to be hasty in this decision . I know that for a long time my father and mother have been praying for me . I don 't know how long ago they began doing so , but I am surprised that although I 'm only nineteen they 're letting me pursue her hand . " Fagan nodded . " Tabitha is eighteen , though . I fear I will have to wait even if they decide that these times are not a problem , nor is my longing to take the word to the market place . " They were quiet , staring up at the stars . Fagan closed his eyes briefly and when he did , he saw Tabitha 's smile flash in his head . He smiled at the thought of her , and then opened his eyes again . " Nay , " Adan 's smile widened . " I have been talking to him . " Chapter Eleven : Fagan 's Task Ahearn took Brenna 's hand and glanced back at Fagan . He stood up at the edge of the well , holding on to the covering for support . Brianna stopped as well and looked back . Creator , protect him ! She prayed silently . This was his first time . As she looked at her brother , she saw a slight tremor roll through his body , but then he drew himself up to his full height , and ran a hand through his curls . Brianna nodded in agreement with her younger brother 's words . It 's so strange , like all of a sudden it hit . My brothers are growing up ! That is not to say that I am not growing up , but I guess I just do not see myself growing up like I do them . She glanced back at Fagan , whose actions had now drawn a small crowd wondering what was going on . And my Fagan will not be only mine for much longer . But they will live close by . And they work for each other . They understand each other . Fagan will be a good husband ; he will understand her heartbeats and will really love her . Creator , protect him … please . Let him come home safely . What I do is for my purpose . I have put each and every person on this earth for a reason , to touch someone 's life or be touched whether he or she are trying to or not . I will protect them according to my plans . But you must remember , Brianna , that your wishes are not always in line with mine . I love you , Brianna . I love Fagan , too . Trust in me . I 'm scared , I 'm scared , Creator . Protect me ! Fagan 's voice shook as he started to speak . " One hundred twenty five years ago , I was not on this earth … " He began , his voice growing steadier as he went on . People turned their heads toward him , and he took a deep breath , continuing . " None of us were . There was only one , one called Man . He was like us , he had hands … and feet , eyes , ears … a mind - a heart ! He could feel , he could touch and love and sing . He looked like us , spoke like us … but he - there was one way and one thing alone that he was not like us , that separated us from him . Yes , he was our father , the father of all humanity . He could feel like us and hurt like us . But there was nothing to hurt him . You there ! " Fagan pointed at a young boy . The boy nodded , and Fagan could read in his eyes that yes , indeed , the young boy had been hurt , and probably deeply as well . Mothers and fathers were turning away and not caring for their children , or worse , mistreating their children . Some of the wounds the children carried with them would never heal , others would scar the boys and girls for life . Fagan knew that the only way these could be healed was through the Creator 's love . So like the Creator was Adan 's father , the Creator could be a father to these fatherless children as well . Pain etched in Fagan 's face , he stood up straight again . " You see ? Now we all live in pain . We all carry scars and hurts that people have laid upon us . We cannot hope to have a better life here on this earth . Not in Edaled . No , it would not work . We could try to start over , but it would only lead to destruction , maybe more destruction than already exists . " He caught the eyes of his listeners . " There is only one thing we can do , only one person that could ever help us . His son is living here , among us . He will fight the battle between our hurt and what could be - perfection ! Where no one is hurt . Someday , every eye will be dry ; no one will weep and mourn any more . Every longing will be fulfilled ! Can you imagine what that day will be like ? " His heart felt like it was about to break , feeling pain and compassion for those who would not be there , while at the same time filled with a longing for that perfect place . Fagan knelt down next to her . He had heard his father speak of this girl , or ones like her . Abandoned by their parents at a very young age , they grew up in the streets , living off what people gave them , what they could steal , or what they could forage . Most were malnourished and dirty . This girl 's face was streaked with mud and dirt , and her clothes were brown from dirt and torn in many places . " Well , Nell , " Fagan said , looking her in the eyes . " It will happen . And I am here to tell these people how . Would you like to hear as well ? " " Here , come sit up on the well . " Fagan lifted her up and set her gently on the stone edge of the well , letting her lean her back against the poles that carried the bucket up from the bottom of the well . She tipped her head back to look up at Fagan when he stood to continue speaking . " That day … it is beyond our imagining , beyond our greatest dreams . I cannot begin to imagine what it will be like . But the best part - is not the no more pain . It is not that we will no longer cry … there is something so much greater waiting there , and that is why it is beyond our dreams . " Fagan paused to look down at Nell . " The Creator has made our eternal home there . In a world so broken that we cannot call any place truly home , that there is nowhere you can go to ' get away , ' from anything … we long - oh , we hope , we wait , we suffer - to go there , to a perfect place . The Creator made us to be excellent . I would explain excellent , show you an example of excellent … but I cannot find anything but the Creator 's creation , and there are things far better than that . Look at the stars at night , the flowers , clouds , the sun , and the moon . Look , there , at that weeping willow ! It is beautiful , is it not ? Imagine something infinitely more beautiful ! Nell , how would you like to live where everything is infinitely more beautiful than that willow ? " " But look at us . " Fagan paused to give his listeners a chance to look around . " Do we belong there ? " He asked sadly . " I fail every day ! Countless times just each morning I lose my patience with my younger brothers . I forget to do things , I make mistakes ! How will we fit in to a place where everything is excellent ? " Angry murmurs rippled through the crowd . " Then why is he telling us of such a great place ? Only to make us discontent with where we are now ? " " Ah , but I have not finished ! " Fagan said triumphantly . " The Creator loves His creation even though we have gone astray ! There is still hope for us , the hopeless ones . As a child , did you ever read or hear the Creator 's Law ? Nathan , one of Man 's sons , brought this upon us by his disobedience . The Creator said only to pursue that which is excellent , and Nathan let things that were faulty into his kingdom … but because his brothers and sisters did not stop him and had an idea of what was going on , and because the evil spread so quickly , we all suffered for it - we all suffer for it . Only when the Creator comes in glory to take us home to Him will we ever be free from evil . " But we have to be excellent before the Creator can be in our presence . After Nathan disobeyed , the Creator left us with a promise - that one day He would make a way for us to be with Him . I do not know what that way is yet , but I do know that the Creator will keep His promises . It goes against his excellent nature not to keep His promises . But He wants us to realize that our actions have consequences , sometimes very drastic ones . We must live and suffer with these . And the Creator wants us to learn about Him and learn to trust Him with all that we are and have . That alone is not enough , however . Yes , we must trust Him to keep His promises , but if we saw Him in His full glory , we would have no doubt of how much we can give Him … I have given Him my whole heart and my whole life . It is for you to decide how much of your life we will give Him . Give Him your life , and tell Him that you want to pursue excellence with all that you are . Tears filled Fagan 's eyes . " Nell , I am so sorry to hear that . It breaks my heart that parents - your mother who bore you in her body for nine months , and birthed you in pain , and has now left you by the side of the road . " " Because nobody has ever said I had a purpose . Everyone said I was a mistake because nobody has ever wanted me . They haven 't said it just like that , but the way the people in Poná look at me , I just want to die sometimes ! " " They were wrong , Nell . You 're right , people do lie sometimes and there are some people that we cannot trust . But there are some that we can trust . " " You are young still , boy . " One man said . " Use your life on something else . There are other ways to tell people about the Creator - pack of lies that it is - but don 't be throwing away your life like this . Fàolan will hear about it and have you executed , as he is like to do with that beggar Bardan . Good riddance I say , though . " " I do not believe that this is throwing my life away . If I lose my life , I have used it for the greatest thing I believe life can be used for - to glorify the One who made me . After much prayer and thought and talking it over with my father , we decided that in this time of my life , this is what the Creator has called me to do , and I must follow His calling . " " I don 't think he thinks I am crazy as much as he does that I am foolish . He thinks that the Creator is a lie , meant to bring comfort in the world . And so he thinks that I will lose my life doing this , and that I would be dying for a lie . I thank him that he wanted to protect me and help me , but he does not understand . " " Aye . The Creator made it because He wanted something to love and He wanted to make something with a purpose to glorify Him ! That 's why we exist , Nell , because He can make us happy when we find ourselves in Him . " Fagan smiled . " Don 't be worrying about me , Brianna . " He gave Brianna a hug , then Brenna . " Brenna , Brianna , Ahearn … this is Nell . " " I can 't tell for sure . Except for Nell , no one really responded positively . The crowd seemed interested , but I don 't know how many of them actually believed what I was saying . Maybe they were hoping Fàolan 's men would come … maybe they really wanted to hear . I don 't know , Brianna . I 'm kind of disappointed , but I don 't know what I was hoping for , or what was realistic to hope for . " " He still touched lives , Fagan . There are those who will hear but we may not see how the words they hear might change their lives . Don 't worry about it , Fagan ! " Brianna grinned at Fagan , and they broke into a run toward home . The other three children followed . Brianna stopped short outside their front door , panting and breathless . She was laughing , too . " It 's been so long since we last raced like that , Fagan ! " She said . Fagan came up behind her . " You all go in first . I 'll be inside in a minute . " He said . His siblings filed inside ahead of him , and then he followed , closing the door behind them . Enid was setting the table for dinner . " Welcome home , Fagan , Brianna , Ahearn , and Brenna ! " She said , smiling at each of her children . She stopped when she saw Nell , and then looked back up at Fagan . " Of course I will , Fagan ! " Enid turned to the cupboard and grabbed another trencher out , setting it on the table . " Ahearn , go get another chair , and then call your father and brothers and sisters and Adan for dinner . " Ahearn left the room for a few minutes , and soon the rest of the family came bouncing into the room . Brianna briefly took Nell to the washroom to wash Nell 's hands and face , then brought her back and pulled out her chair between her and Fagan . Nigel served Nell first , and once everyone had been served they prayed . " Yes , Nell , you will have a home , " Nigel said , smiling . The whole family was grinning . Adan looked on ; not smiling , but his face was full of joy just the same . Nell 's eyes shone , and her face seemed to . Then she smiled . It was the biggest smile any of them had ever seen . Then she laughed . " Thank you ! Thank you thank you thank you ! " He spoke , breaking the awkward silence there . " I 'm looking for one of the officers . " He said . Suddenly everyone looked up at once , their eyes on Mikhil . One man stood . Mikhil nodded . " Aye . " Thanks for not asking which side … I 'd sure get it if they found out . I 'd be dead with a knife in my back before Fàolan knew anything about it . Then it hit Mikhil as to what it would mean for him to go down into the town . He would be seeing old friends , people who he remembered . Would they remember him ? What would he do if they did ? Turn away and ignore them ? Or would he talk to them and break their hearts in explaining to them what he was doing ? Would he hurt them either way ? And the blacksmith was down by his family 's booth . What then ? Would Eliana be there ? Would she see her runaway brother ? Mikhil had no idea how much he had hurt his sister when he left . He did not know that if she saw him and he did not turn back homewards , her heart would break so much that she would die . Just recently had she been coaxed into speaking , Adan 's arrival had put a light into her eyes and an interest back into her life , but that was all , nothing more . Until recently . Then she had spoken . It was at night the first time , in her dreams . " When will Mikhil be back ? " She asked aloud . Connor heard her and bowed his head in prayer , his heart twisting as he thought of his older brother . The older brother whose place he now had to fill as the oldest boy in the family . He had never expected to have that leadership , and now when he had it , he took it unwillingly and unsteadily at first . Now he was somewhat used to it , and his brothers and Eliana were starting to look at him as they once had Mikhil . But he wasn 't Mikhil ; he wasn 't the older brother Mikhil had been . What had changed in Mikhil 's heart ? They often wondered , yes , he had thought about it before , but they never thought he would actually leave . If only they knew ! If only they knew where he was now ! And what he was doing , how he had turned astray ! How their hearts would have been torn and broken . " A family . Eight , nine , children , I think . They 're outside a lot , playing . At least , the younger ones are . The oldest has taken it into his head lately to replace the old man who used to shout in the market . I have a feeling he 's going to be arrested sometime , doing that , just like the old man . He 's supposed to be executed soon . " " I wanted adventure , you could say . Found a band of warriors and joined them , but they betrayed me and so then I left them and came here to Fàolan . It will be better here . " " Aye . We may not love each other like the Creator 's followers claim to , but we stick by each other , and we have power . People fear us . " Fear ? Is that why I wanted power ? So people would fear me ? So I could make young girls quake on the ground when I took their fathers away to be locked up ? So I could hear mothers ' scream when their boys were killed in battle ? No . I did not come here to instill fear in people ! I want power , and I want to be accepted and I want people to stick by me . I want power , that is all . Mikhil lifted his head higher as they went out of the castle walls and into the village . He looked around , taking in all that had changed since he had last been here . Had it really been three years ? Poná had hardly changed in all of that time . Maybe it had grown a little , but not very much . There were new faces , but some were oddly familiar , like blurred faces from dreams . Or grown up people that he had known once upon a time . That wasn 't Tabitha was it ? And was that there Joshua ? And there - no , that couldn 't be little Rilla . Rilla all grown up now . She had been only a baby when he left . Well , not a baby , but still with her mother . And she used to be shy ! Now she was smiling happily , shouting , and playing with the village children ! They neared the smithy and Rolf took his sword belt off and pushed the door open . Mikhil followed , stepping inside of the hot , dark , blacksmith shop . He took his hat off as they entered . The blacksmith looked up , wiping coal off his face . " Can 't Fàolan take his business elsewhere ? I have to care for the villagers ! " The blacksmith protested , turning back to his work . The hammer 's thud echoed in the small building . Mikhil looked at Rolf , who was struggling for words . " I only bring things here when Fàolan tells me to . It 's his business where he takes things to be made . You should be thankful he thinks highly of you . At least you won 't be arrested and your family turned out of your home because you 're a follower of the Creator . " Rolf fingered a horseshoe nonchalantly . " Oh , after the battle . He figured that just to make sure the followers of the Creator should be taught a good hard lesson . Hence all of the arrests . " " They 'll find a way . Get used to it , Mikhil . Things around here aren 't as peaceful as they once were , you 'll learn that quickly . Followers of the Creator are being disruptive , Fàolan is doing what 's necessary to restore and enforce peace . " " Wait , just a minute , please , Rolf . " Mikhil said . He walked back toward the smithy , stopping to look into the booths . There ! Was that her ? A girl with bouncing curls - like Eliana 's once were - stood behind a booth , smiling and helping fill someone 's sacks with flour . She looked up and caught his eye , suddenly startled . She stared harder for a second , then shook her head and looked away . Yes , that would be Eliana . She was beautiful now , really growing up . He wished he could have seen her grow up . But it was too late for that now . He turned and walked back to Rolf . Rolf shrugged . " No problem . We 've already finished our drills for the day , and unless we 're on guard duty , we 're free to do as we please . Anywhere else you want to stop by ? " Rolf ran in closer to the well to see what was going on . Two of Fàolan 's guards were pulling down a boy with curly black hair from the well . He was shouting , his face glowing . The people seemed intent on what he was saying , and some were angrily trying to push the guards off the boy . The people backed away as Rolf stepped in . The guards stopped to salute . " Sir , this boy was causing a disturbance of the people . We had orders from Fàolan to take him home and give his parents a warning . " Mikhil pushed his way through the crowd , trying to see who it was . Then he stopped short . Fagan looked up at that moment , and Mikhil saw him sag . Both of them looked away at the same time . The villagers moved out of the way as the soldiers began to take Fagan toward the castle . Rolf squared his shoulders and straightened . " Well , that 's done . The villagers always bow to an officer . " He flashed an enigmatic smile at Mikhil , who frowned , still staring after Fagan . Rolf pushed him on the shoulder . Fagan let himself be led away . The soldiers knew who his father was and where he lived , and so Fagan closed his eyes and let them take him away , praying the whole time . They knocked sharply on the door . Please don 't let it be Brianna or Mama , please , God , please ! Fagan prayed . " No , Nell , I wasn 't in trouble . " He knelt down to look at Nell in the eyes . " Remember what I told you about men thinking those who follow the Creator are foolish ? " " Those men don 't understand what I 'm talking about . Every day they have been there , in the market place . Fàolan gave them orders to take me home this time , thinking that I wouldn 't do it again after a warning . " " You 're not going back , are you Fagan ? " Brianna asked . She had come running to the front room when she heard the commotion . Nigel , Enid , and the rest of the children were there , too , gathered around Fagan and Nell . Fagan stood . He looked at Nigel , then at Enid . His face was worried . Then he looked down to Brianna . His voice trembled as he spoke . Brianna 's eyes filled with tears , and she moved toward her brother when she saw the anguish streaked in his face . He hugged her , resting his chin on her head . Ahearn moved in closer , too . Oh , God , comfort Brianna . Give her strength , Fagan prayed . But what do I do ? " You said that this would not be throwing away your life . You wouldn 't be wasting it . And these aren 't God 's authorities , they are man 's authorities . The Creator has given you a calling to fulfill . I think that should be your highest duty , above everything else right now . " Fagan straightened . " Ahearn has a point . This is what the Creator has given me to do , my task on earth until I can marry Tabitha . I will do it to my last breath or until He makes it clear to me that He wants me to move on . " " You don 't want to see him , ' Na . He 's changed , little sister . If it had not been for his eyes , I wouldn 't have known it was he . Brianna , he hates now . He 's not like the Mikhil we used to know . " Brianna buried her head in Fagan 's chest and sobbed . Soon she heard whispers above her head , and felt Nigel take her . They sat on the cough together quietly . The rest of the family ate dinner and went to bed . Brianna fell asleep with her head on her father 's shoulder , his strong arms around her . In her dreams , she saw the old Mikhil they had known , loved , and played with . A smiling , bright - eyed Mikhil , now laughing , now soaking wet in the stream after sword fighting with Fagan . Images of building the tree house , training horses , and picking berries flashed in her mind . I 'm in suspense . So much beauty , so much tragedy . And I know the situation will get worse before it gets better . And I really want to see it get better ! You were right , Kyleigh . I do like Fagan , ALOT . I 'm so glad you promised me he wouldn 't die ! ( Although , I really had no idea who you were talking about then . . . ) Anyway , this is amazing . The way you presented all the characters and their different world views / personalities was so powerful . I especially liked the way you made Fagan and Tabitha 's courtship so tender and special . That is really special when you can translate emotions like that . I like to dream ( especially when I 'm alone in my room ) that I will someday meet a guy like Fagan who will be exactly who God has made for me . " To produce a mighty book , you must choose a mighty theme . No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea , though many there be that have tried it . " - - Herman Melville I can 't believe Mikhil is so stubborn ! What a little . . . no , what a big fool ! But I love the part where Fagan preaches in the marketplace .

Peter settled himself down on the edge of the gently sloping grassy scrub on the cliff top and took in the whole sweep of the bay with a single glance . It was worth looking at in the afternoon sun . A heavy brown boulder clay expanse of cliff led out to Filey Brigg , pointing along the horizon to the far off , sparkling white , chalk headland over at Flamborough Head . There was nothing but air between him and the long shining stretch of sand a hundred feet below and it felt like he was flying . The gannets were plunge diving out at sea , dropping like bullets one by one into the water , performing a sleek , finely honed dance of death and the wind was singing in his ears . This was all right . It had been a good choice to come here . It was good for the dog too . He ruffled the scruffy black tufts of hair on the back of her head and she beat her tail a few times before shaking him off . The dog was a jack russell terrier and until two weeks before she had been spending her time sitting behind the wire mesh of a run in a dog rescue centre thirty miles away . Her habit of growling at anyone who went past had ensured that she had spent almost four years in there until Peter had seen her and told the incredulous girl in the green hoodie that he wanted to give her a home . It had all worked out . The dog had found the soft bed which he had bought for her in the coroner of the kitchen and made it clear that she wasn 't going anywhere and that she would be doing exactly as she pleased . That had been fine by him . She had a name , but dog was what he called her and she didn 't seem to mind . If there was something in it for her she responded to him and if there wasn 't , she didn 't . As a Yorkshire man Peter could relate to that . The two of them were looking as if they might be well suited . During the past three weeks they had walked miles together as they both got to know their new home . He didn 't hear the girl coming up behind him , but the dog did . They both turned their heads . She was standing a few feet away , glaring , dark hair blowing back in the wind , five feet of untamed teenage attitude , thin as a whip and possibly almost as dangerous . Peter had been a high school teacher so he knew all about that . He turned back to the sea , hoping that she would go away . The dog had other ideas . She was pulling on the end of the lead towards the girl now . Her front paws were waving in the air and the whole of her back end was wagging . " I 'm not a kid . Anyway you 've got a dog . Axe murderers usually leave their dogs at home . My name 's Carly . " The three of them sat together silently for a while looking out to sea and watching the gannets feed . Peter wondered whether he should ask the girl to go away . She probably wouldn 't go . " The gannets don 't often feed this close in . I sometimes watch them round the back of the Brigg . There must be a shoal of herring sile that 's been blown in . " He had discovered that this question was the first that any local would ask when you told them that you lived in Filey . Length of stay in a place where there were so many visitors was regarded as a badge of honour . Being born here set you apart . Peter nodded silently . Jess did a good job . She had been a Godsend while he settled in , reminding him of things that he had forgotten and making sure that she served the more intolerant locals herself . Now that he had been told , he could see the same sharp features and intelligent eyes that Jess had in her daughter . In fact as he thought about Jess he was surprised to realise just how much he had obviously noticed her . This was not good . Time to go . She jumped up and ran back down the cliff path . The dog watched her until she was out of sight and then flopped back down onto the grass . He stroked her gently . They made their own slow way back down the cliff path , across the pitch and putt course and towards the long straight avenue that led back into the town . As they passed the end of the ravine that led down to the beach the last of the days visitors were making their way laboriously up to the car park , dragging spades , kites windbreaks and tents behind them . He was glad that now , when the car park was empty , he would still be here . And that was his granddaughter Carly , the light of his life . Arthur loved Carly very much , and not just because she was his only grandchild , but he wasn 't always sure that her mother did . Carly wasn 't shouting . She was sulking . She was probably sulking on the settee in front of one of the shopping channels . Arthur had seen her do that a lot . Carly was difficult , Arthur realised that ; her mother had been difficult too . She had needed what Dorothy called firm handling . Sometimes the handling had been a bit too firm for Arthur , but you couldn 't tell Dorothy that . Sometimes he even heard Val say the same things to Carly that her mother had said to her , and they still made him wince . Anyway he couldn 't just go home , they would wonder what had happened to him , and there was nothing in his fridge . He opened the door . Arthur did the same with Jess , when she got worked up , as he had done with her mother . He agreed with her , then he kept well out of the way . No matter what . Over the years he had found that was what worked best . He went into the front room and , just as he had expected , Carly was on the sofa , remote control in hand , staring at the shopping channel . He sat down , facing the fireplace , in his usual chair . They sat watching the numbers on the screen flip round as the price went down and people bought . Arthur stared at the woman on the television . She had a bright red dress , shiny lipstick and surprised eyebrows . She was smiling all the time . Arthur decided he didn 't like her . Carly shifted in her seat and flicked the remote . " Don 't mind . Whatever you like . " Carly flipped the switch on the remote . They were cooking a piece of tuna . This was interesting to Arthur . It was very dark , a different colour to the tuna he got in tins , and he wondered why . Arthur smiled . Carly would always talk about the beach donkeys . She had been helping Matty and Dot for nearly four years now . It had started off because when her mother had a go at her , being with the donkeys calmed her down . They had still quiet faces , and soft ears , and they just stood there on the sands with their eyes half closed until they were asked to walk up and down again . She knew all their names , and which ones were the stubborn ones . Breezer was her favourite donkey . He was almost all brown , with a few white markings on his face and legs , and he was awkward . Carly had explained to Arthur before how you had to watch him if some kid screamed out or poked him , and that if you let him get in front of Miss Molly he would kick out . Miss Molly had nipped him once and like Carly , he didn 't forget . Arthur listened happily . He liked to hear Carly talk . Carly just carried on staring at the screen . This wound her mother up , as she knew it would . Arthur hoped that there wasn 't going to be another full scale row . He would rather be somewhere else if that was on the cards . He got up and went quietly through to the kitchen . Val 's trouble had only extended to taking a plastic wrapper off a pizza and putting it in the oven . It was sitting in the middle of the table next to a green salad which had been emptied into a bowl . It looked like it was a Morrison 's one . He sat down and waited . There were four places set . He hoped that didn 't mean that his son in law Simon would be coming in for tea . Simon was one of only a few people that Arthur would admit to thoroughly disliking . Simon was always saying things that sounded to Arthur like they were meant to be funny . Arthur would try to smile , or even laugh , without really knowing why , just to be polite , and then Simon would just stare at him blankly and leave him feeling stupid . No , Arthur didn 't like Simon . Neither had Dorothy . She had given Arthur a right earful about him after Jess brought him home for the first time . Thankfully there wasn 't going to be a row this time . Carly slunk into the chair next to him and helped herself grudgingly to half a slice of pizza . She sat there pulling the topping off and leaving it at the side of her plate . Jess sat down and helped herself to a double slice . " I 'm all right . Somebody left me a lasagne on my doorstep a few days back , did I tell you ? Very nice it was . I had it for my tea . " Arthur was about half way through his share of the pizza when he heard the front door slam . That would be Simon . He looked at the kitchen clock , wondering if he could go home yet . Not really . It was a bit too early . Arthur walked along next to Carly , worrying quietly . Carly had started to do as she liked from the minute she could walk , and nothing had happened since to make any difference . The first time he had heard her tell her mother to bugger off she had been five years old . He had been shocked , but mostly thankful that Dorothy didn 't hear it . He decided it must be something she had heard her father say a lot , and although she didn 't know what it meant she had noticed the effect it had on her mother and wanted to try it out . It hadn 't had quite the same effect as when her father said it . Arthur had once been there , a long time ago , when that had happened . There had been a lot of noise and shouting and in the end Jess had just sat down in a heap and cried . It had all been very awkward . She had told Arthur afterwards , while they were drinking the cup of tea he made , that she would have liked nothing better than to bugger off . Carly was a toddler at the time . She had climbed onto the chair next to her mum and tried to show her a Beanie Baby to cheer her up , but it hadn 't worked . Her mother had put her back on the floor and shoved a cartoon DVD into the machine . As time went on he had watched Jess retreat into her own small world of Maeve Binchy novels , vodka , daytime television , line dancing on Thursday nights , chocolate , and a job in a local chip shop . Most of this didn 't interest Arthur , and it was hard for him to know what to say about it . As for Carly , he had watched her grow up and investigate a very different world of her own . Now that she was sixteen this mostly centred around school , where she did as little as possible , the local bus shelter , her mobile phone , local lads , her group of friends and the beach donkeys . He looked at her now , as she stumped along next to him , staring at the ground . She had scraped back her hair into a pony tail and her face looked pinched and unhappy . He wished there was something he could do about it . Arthur didn 't like the look of most of the teenagers who he saw hanging around the park shelters and the bus station in Filey . Once he had been walking past a group of them , when one of them had asked him very loudly where he got his hair cut . He had shouted back " mind your own business , " and for some reason they had found this very funny . It had been a little bit upsetting . There was a long silence . Arthur decided he had better not say any more . When they got to his road end he watched her head on towards the bus shelter with her head down against the drizzle . He was glad he didn 't have to be sixteen again . It was a very strange feeling for Peter , standing over the road after the sign writer had finished . Very strange . He stood there , with his hands in the pockets of what used to be his best suit trousers , wondering what the hell he had let himself in for . Anyway , there it was . PETE ' S PLAICE . He 'd decided he might as well go with the name after his friend Kieran suggested it as a joke . It had been more of a thinly disguised sneer than a joke really , but he 'd gone along with it , just to show that he didn 't care . He had wanted to call it The Wrath of Cod himself , but they had decided that probably wouldn 't sell so much fish . This was it then . His future . A local chippie . It had been a bargain too , the previous owners didn 't want to have to keep it going through another winter . Not much of a challenge for somebody who 'd been headteacher of a large high school before he was forty . Mind you , settling in hadn 't been easy . He 'd had to do his research , and after that they 'd made him work bloody hard . He 'd smelt of chip fat for weeks while he helped out the previous owners so that he could learn the ropes and that was at a time when he didn 't think he 'd be able to get his head round cooking his own dinner , never mind cope with cooking for dozens of other people . It had been a definite step forward , and the doctor had seemed pleased . Therapeutic work he 'd called it . Peter had called work a lot of things in his time , but never therapeutic . All of the staff had chosen to stay on but one , and he 'd got somebody to replace her . The one who had been there longest was called Miriam . She 'd seemed a bit startled at the interview Peter had insisted on giving her - he was more used to interviewing people applying for school posts than fish fryers - but she seemed happy enough when he had told her he would like her to stay on . A bit edgy maybe , but she was very neat and looked like being efficient enough , and that 's how it had turned out . He thought about Carly 's mother Jess . She 'd be coming in for her shift later on . He had begun to wonder what she was doing there . She had more about her than the rest of them , and he recognised a sharp intelligence , which she could have put to better use . He wondered why that had never happened . So long as she did her job he supposed that was none of his business . You didn 't have to worry much about staff development if you were running a chippy . Since he arrived he had just about managed to keep the shop , and himself , together . Sometimes it had been touch and go . Every so often , if he felt a bit shaky , he would go out the back and just sit with his eyes shut until he felt better . Eventually even Miriam had got used to him doing that , and stopped grumbling . Miriam was all right . Maybe she had asked too many questions to start with , but she was all right . She was good hearted , and the customers liked her , but it was Jess that he had begun to watch . She wasn 't exactly pretty , but she had a neat little figure , long legs and thick black hair , and a graceful way of moving when she battered fish , lowering them into the fat a lot more carefully than the others and lifting her hand away from the heat at the last moment like a dancer . She seemed sensible too , the kind of woman you could depend on . A long time ago Peter had had his heart broken by somebody who was very pretty , and anything but dependable , and so he felt safe around Val . She seemed different . He never said anything of course , just watched as she chatted to the customers and added an extra layer of newspaper to be certain the chips would stay warm if she knew that they walked slowly or had a long way to go . He liked that . Most people here weren 't as gentle as that . Sometimes Miriam could be pretty scary . You didn 't want to get in her way while she was cleaning out the deep fat fryers , and you wouldn 't want to stand on a bit of floor she 'd already mopped at twenty five past seven , not if you were Peter anyway , and sometimes not even if you were a customer . It was going all right on the whole . The one thing he hadn 't managed to convince them about was the music . For the first couple of weeks he had commandeered the ghetto blaster on the high shelf and played his Bach and Vivaldi concertos , with some Debussy or Ravel when he felt like a change . Nobody had said anything to start with , but eventually Gina and Miriam had sent Jess through to find him in the back of the shop . She had looked uncomfortable , and he had had to ask her what she wanted . Peter had noticed that when he had been in the shop learning the ropes . It had driven him crazy . He had started to explain this , but she had interrupted him . His favourite job at the shop was making the batter . He enjoyed making up the soft pale liquid to exactly the right thickness so that it would spread over the fish in an even creamy coat when he dipped the fillets of cod and haddock in . It was satisfying , just a small job that he could do to perfection without anybody interfering . He learned how to swing the fish over the hot fat and drop it in close to the surface , letting his hand pull back at the last minute . Just a few pieces of fish at a time . No targets , and no performance reviews . Filey had been a good choice for him . It was somewhere you could disappear . People got used to seeing you about , without asking questions . Plenty of people passed through Filey , and many of them didn 't stay long . You would see a face on the street for a few months , and then it would be gone . Visitors , retired folk on the estates who went on long cheerful rambles with the walking club , the elderly whose families deposited them in one of the large hotels on the front which had been turned into nursing homes , the visitors from the tin boxes filling the fields on the edge of the town , the day trippers who filled up the grassy car parks on the cliff top in summer , and the students who came out of nowhere to do the seasonal work , they would all leave sooner or later . Filey was used to strangers , whatever it 's long term residents might think of them , and they could feel comfortable there . That suited Peter . The antique dealer pushed hard at the door , kicking at the bottom where it was sticking , and it finally shuddered open . He moved forward into the dark space of the hallway , trampling over the yellowing junk mail and wrinkling his nose at the smell . Amy followed him , her face pale and anxious . She still wasn 't sure whether she wanted to do this . He turned and stared back at her . " You said this is your aunt 's house ? How the hell did it get like this ? Couldn 't somebody have helped her clear it out or something ? " Amy bit her lip . He hadn 't seen the worst of it yet . Not by a long way . At least you could get through the front door and stand up in the hallway . Maybe she should have tried to clear up a bit before she contacted him . He turned and looked back at her , frowning . Bag lady ? Anything but . Amy thought back to the time when she used to come to the house regularly to visit her Auntie Vi . It had all been very smart , when she had been growing up . You never even had a biscuit in here without a plate to put it on . The dealer looked at her face anxiously , searching for signs of distress . Amy froze . She hadn 't been expecting him to ask the question so directly , not so soon at any rate , and she wasn 't ready for it . She was going to have to tell him , or nothing would get done . That was why she had brought him here . Wasn 't it ? The doubt in his voice came from the fact that it wasn 't easy to see the table . Amy followed his gaze as he looked around , it was almost as new to her as it was to him . The six chairs around the dining table were all piled with old clothes which had once been clean and folded , waiting to be ironed . Now they were grey with dust and spread out across the dark polished wood of the table , mingling with the piles of old bills and receipts , hiding its surface . Amy watched him as he began to move around the chaos , lifting things gently and putting them back down . He was younger than she had expected , much younger , even if he did dress as if he was middle aged in faded cords and a linen jacket . The name on his card said Rufus Carter . He was probably not much older than she was , and far too good looking , quite tall and skinny . The shine on his dark hair was picked out in a shaft of dusty sunlight when he pulled aside the lace curtain and his eyes were alight with interest behind rimless glasses . In better times she might even have fancied him , especially if she had realised that he had already been admiring her long red hair and pale skin and taking long hard looks at her when she was distracted and wouldn 't notice that she was being stared at . Amy had always attracted attention , especially from men , and her total unconcern just made them try harder . She sat down on a chair arm and tried to pull herself together , attempting to work out for herself all over again how a home could get into a state like this . Her own flat in Scarborough was a simple , modern box , inserted into a Victorian chapel , which she kept tidy and spotless , and any history which it may once have contained had been erased , sacrificed in the name of comfort and convenience . It was exactly the opposite here . Any kind of comfort there had once been in this place had been sacrificed in the name of history . The past was everywhere , eating into the present and destroying it . Someone - her Aunt Vi presumably - had not been able to stop that happening and this was the result . Slowly she began to see beyond the confusion and pick out the remains of what had been . It was all still here , frozen underneath a protective film of dust and guarded by barricades of random objects which had once had a home , but now lay helpless , strewn around the floor . She began to realise that nothing had been moved from the time when the room had last been decorated . Judging from the startling striped wallpaper and the wide floral border which blazed its way across one of the walls that must have been sometime in the nineteen eighties . Not that it would have looked as bad as this for a while of course . That would have taken time , years of despair maybe . If you cut a way through it , clearing and sorting , you would be able to find your way back through the years to the point when things went wrong . She was in no doubt now that something must have gone very wrong . Very wrong indeed . The dealer picked up a trilby hat which was lying pointlessly in the middle of the floor and shook off the dust . If he hadn 't seen the dark ring of grease around the band inside it he might have thought about putting it on to try to cheer her up . She wasn 't going to be in a mood to sell anything if she carried on like this and he had seen a few potential good buys already . He set the hat down at a jaunty angle , topping off one of the piles of clothes . Amy stared at it sadly . 1987 , and his hat was still there in the middle of the living room floor twenty six years later . Unreal . She shut her eyes . This was at the heart of it . This was why she had been unable to come through that front door for three and a half years . This was why her mother had driven her crazy with every nagging phone call demanding to be allowed to get in here with her and " bottom it " , until she had been forced to leave the answering machine on and choose her own moment to ring back , usually at a time when she knew that her mother would be out . Nothing her mother said had been able to make her come to this house , her powerlessness a final proof that , at nearly thirty , Amy was no longer a child . Its existence had become a shameful secret , covered over by silence and a light dusting of fear . Until today . " When I was growing up I was . We lived in York and coming over to Malton on the train to see her was always my biggest treat . I used to beg to stay . I had my own box of toys here , and a second hand bike that she bought me . Then I moved away to uni , lost touch , and when I moved back up North I just never got round to ringing her up . I don 't know why . I feel bad about it now . " The truth was that Amy just hadn 't cared enough . He was right , she had changed , moved on , but Aunt Vi never had . She was always cheerful and controlled , always neat . You could never imagine her living like this , ever . She would never have asked why the visits stopped , she never complained of anything . If Amy had come to see her there would have been no recriminations , no pointed remarks , and yet she still hadn 't done it . Not once . The quiet little market town with its grey stone church , quirky shops , local characters and small narrow streets had seemed boring and claustrophobic to an older teenager who was ready to break out and find a life of her own . Her aunt and uncle had been part of the place , thanks to the butchers shop on the main street which had been in her uncle 's family for as long as anyone could remember . You couldn 't go out of the front door without being stopped by someone who wanted to talk , especially if her uncle was there . Shopping took forever . Amy had hated it . Aunt Vi had died here too . She had died in a nursing home , hidden behind a massive yew hedge and she had been well cared for . The news of her illness had been given to most of those who knew her only when it was too late for embarrassing visits and condolences . She never quite lost her pride . It must have killed her living like this . She pointed silently at a photograph on the stereogram , half hidden by a pile of James Last LP 's . The dealer picked it up , wiping the surface with his hand and a child 's face appeared out of the dust , a chubby little smiler with cropped hair , cut out sandals , a sensible navy cardigan and over large national health glasses . It was barely recognisable as the young woman standing next to him . Rufus Carter was used to making light of things , skimming over the surface of life and batting aside emotion with a joke , kept afloat by his good looks and a ready smile . You could always be sure that if you tried to get him to think too deeply about anything he would flick his tail like a small silver fish and swim for the shallows . Usually customers liked this , and most people found it charming , but at other times his flippancy could be irritating beyond belief , and Amy was upset enough to tell him so now , stranger or not . " What have I said ? Come on , lighten up a bit . Let 's have a look upstairs . And my name 's Rufus by the way , you are allowed to use it . " She followed him up the staircase , negotiating her way past loose rusting stair rods , and onto the landing . There were five doors leading off it and she didn 't want to go through any of them , but Rufus had the bit between his teeth now and he was enjoying himself . He tried the nearest first . Amy stopped him . An old green Lloyd Loom wicker chair , which had been holding the door closed , had disintegrated into a pile of sticks . He kicked it to one side and squeezed himself into the small space which it had left . As Amy stared past him at the piled up furniture and random belongings filling the space the first thing which came into her mind was the famous photograph which had been taken looking into the antechamber of Tutankhamen 's tomb . Only these were not wonderful things , just dross . Rufus grinned back at her over his shoulder . He closed it quickly . She leaned her back against the wall and sank down it with her face hidden in her hands . He bent down in front of her , wide eyed and anxious . " Sorry . This is all too painful for you , I should have realised , but I get carried away . There are a few things here that I like . I get over excited when I 'm looking round a place like this , tunnel vision , you know ? " Amy was too distracted to notice him helping her up . If she had seen the look in his eyes as he put his hand in the middle of her back , guiding her gently towards the stairs , she might have wondered what was going on . It wasn 't only the English delft blue dash charger leaning against the wall in the corner of the dining room , the grubby little regency overmantle mirror hanging at the back of the bedroom whose door had just closed , and the Arts and Crafts Tudric pewter clock sitting in the dust of the hallway that he had noticed , he had also taken note of Amy 's tiny waist , untidy long red hair and gentle green eyes , and all of it was very interesting to him . Amy didn 't know Malton well , but Rufus clearly did . He was a regular visitor . There were the kind of shops scattered around the smaller streets where interesting things might lie hidden . It was a place that he wandered round quite often when he pulled off the A64 , usually on his way somewhere else , looking for a bargain . The coffee shop he chose was new to Amy , although the town itself had changed little . It was privately run and stylish , with a good range of coffees , cakes and biscuits . Rufus ordered two double expressos and they sat down in the window looking out across the market place towards the church . It was good coffee , and as Amy listened to Rufus talk easily about all kinds of things , without giving anything away about himself , she began to relax . She told him about her job , teaching infants in a small village school up in the hills behind the town , and he looked interested . He even managed to make her laugh when she opened a pot of UHT cream badly and spilled some on the clean white cloth , when he took another one , pushed his glasses down his nose and showed her , mock seriously , how to do it properly . He listened as she explained about the small children she taught and laughed in the right places , making sure that she was single without letting her know what he was doing and spreading the warmth of his personality over her like fairy dust . Finally he asked the question which was hanging in the air , waiting to be asked . " I could help you if you like . When you 're ready . You let some of the trade in there and they 'd rip you off without you ever noticing , I promise you . " " No . I wouldn 't . There are some people I 'd rip off without thinking twice about it , but you 're not one of them . " " Well we both happen to be sitting down the road from the house and I 've got my notebook in my pocket . Do it now . It won 't get any easier . I 'll help . " Amy was lost . Even though she had only met the man a couple of hours earlier she trusted him . There was no point trying to work out why . She just did . So it was settled . They made their way back up to the house . Rufus refused to say anything else until they were back in the dining room . He settled himself in the only empty chair , long legs stretched out in front of him , and folded his arms . " English , made around 1690 . Probably in London or Bristol . Can 't see any damage either , but I 'll need to look at it in a better light . " " This plate has been around for over three hundred years . I 'd have thought it deserves a round of applause for that . You 're not gasping or anything . Very disappointing . " " Don 't you think it 's charming ? Look at his face . He looks pretty fed up with himself . The horse is having a good time though . " She followed him carefully through the three bedrooms , watching as he wrote in his small black notebook with an ancient looking ink pen , knowing instinctively not to interrupt his train of thought by speaking . He worked quickly , scanning things with his eyes and checking details with a small maglite . Sometimes she picked things up when he had moved on , wondering what he saw in them . After examining a tiny leather sewing case on the dressing table in the front bedroom she began to see what Rufus had meant about good things needing to be looked at and admired . It had been made to go inside a handbag and it was embossed in colour with the festival of Britain logo and filled with a few tiny needles and a selection of simple threads in shades of brown . It was probably worth very little , but still someone had chosen it , given it as a special gift or brought it home to treasure . The fact that it was lying here unwanted , its story forgotten , was a reminder of her own fragility . Nothing lasts forever , she thought sadly . She slipped it into her pocket . It felt like stealing . " You 've got about eight hundred pounds worth of stuff from the bedrooms which would sell easily at auction . That 's if you 're lucky of course . You can never tell . " " One of my regular customers has a cat fetish . So I 'd buy this knowing I could sell it on quickly , and maybe offer the seller a better price . That Staffordshire sheep over there is probably worth more , but it 's ugly and it would almost certainly sit around for a while . So I 'd want to buy that cheap , as a kind of compensation for having to put up with it for six months if you like . It 's not an exact science and that 's what keeps it interesting . It 's all about turnover . " " My father had a shop . I have a website and a double lock up garage , and I do the rounds of the smaller fairs . Saves on overheads . " " Good . We 'll have fun . You can attract the customers with your womanly charms and in return I 'll help you clear this lot . Deal ? " " Damn , I should have been on my way , didn 't realise . Listen I 've got to go . You have my number . Ring me . Or I 'll ring you . " " Hi , you OK ? Afraid I 'm running late . I 'm still about half an hour 's drive away from the school . I know I said I 'd do it , but is there any chance of you picking the kids up ? " Rob rattled along on the back of the cart , chewing a tiny piece of tobacco that he 'd pinched from his dad , and watching the dust fly up behind the wheels . As he listened to the rhythm of the heavy hooves up in front , driving the wheels forward while Matty slapped the reins , the sound of the school bell faded into the distance . Which was just how he liked it . Right through the winter , any time a farm cart came past that school gate he 'd be straight out of the yard and onto it . School was for little ' uns . It wasn 't any use to him . No use at all . Why would he want to be sitting inside cooped up all bloody day , when there was sun on the fields and he could be out there working ? He knew what he was going to do . He 'd told them . As soon as they 'd let him out " he were off among t ' osses . " His mother had tried to tell him to do his book learning first , but she was talking daft . He 'd told her so as well . He could write his own name and that . He knew what was what . He could add up change , and he knew what was in his pocket . What was the point of buggering about learning more than that ? He wasn 't soft in the head , and he was big enough to give anybody who said so a good hiding . Not that many did . Rob was a strapping lad for twelve , and he was ready to work . He 'd been working for long enough whenever he could . He knew that he wasn 't going to be able to stop at home , there were only so many mouths they could feed , and anyway he didn 't want to . School wasn 't bothered . Well , Miss Richmond had tried to get him interested , to be fair , but it was a lost cause . Like a lot of others Rob had made sure he did enough to pass his exam , so he could be in the fields all summer , and he counted the days every year until he knew that he had turned up often enough not to have to bother any more . Sitting in a desk with a bunch of bairns and a slate wasn 't real work for a strapping lad like him and nobody pretended it was . Any East Yorkshire lad had to work at threshing or harvest time , or whenever help was needed When they got to the far field where he knew George would be working he jumped off the back of the cart and refastened his boots . George would have been out there since first light and he would be ready for his drinkings by now . George was what Rob thought of as a good ' un . Sometimes he would go and fetch beasts in for George before school , or go round and watch when he knew he 'd be feeding up the horses . You could always rely on him to give you a bit of snap and show you a thing or two , so long as you listened and didn 't answer back . You 'd get a clip round the ear if you did that , or the toe of his boot . Not that Rob was ever cheeky . Not to George . He was like an eager spaniel as he watched George work , waiting for the moment when he would be allowed to help , taking it all in . George didn 't mind . He had a bit of patience , George , he wasn 't rough like some of the men out in the fields . Some of them only knew how to answer with their fists and they would knock a young lad to the ground if he made a mistake , rather than show him how to do something . There weren 't many like that , mind you , but if you met one you didn 't forget . Rob could see George now , working about half way down the field . He was ploughing and he was making a good job . Rob and his mates used to watch from the end of the schoolyard when there was ploughing going on , looking forward to the day when they would be working the same fields . Rob could usually find something to say about it . He knew a good job when he saw it . They all did . He made his way eagerly across the field now , jumping the half frozen furrows which divided the newly ploughed land and breaking the icy puddles between them as he went . George had seen him coming . He stopped his team and straightened his back , feeling for the lump of dry bread in his pocket . Bess and Bonnie , the two black shire horses who were George 's team were standing in their harness quietly chewing on their bits , breathing soft warm smoke and steaming gently in the cold air . Rob walked round , talking soft nonsense to them under his breath as he admired the sheen of their coats , and gave the harness a shake . Sometimes you might have to watch yourself when you were doing that , but not with these two . They were gentle giants who weighed a ton apiece , but they used their strength sparingly and they were well used to Rob . He had been watching them roll in the stack yard like huge puppy dogs and pinching linseed cake from the farm store shed for them since he was a small boy . Not that he would ever dare tell his dad . He never gave it to them without George 's say so either . They weren 't his horses after all and feeding was a serious business . He went up and slipped his fingers under Bonnie 's bottom lip , stroking the soft skin and the delicate hairs and enjoying the feel of her warm breath over his hand as it smoked its way out into the cold air . She waved her lips gently across his palm , searching for crumbs . Rob picked up the plough shafts eagerly and coaxed the horses round into position to start the next furrow . George watched him tolerantly . Bess and Bonnie were easy enough to handle , not like some , and he could trust them to know their job . Rob would be right enough with them . They would pull their weight , and neither of them were that likely to kick out . Rob clicked the plough strings and began to make his way down the first furrow , trusting the horses to do their job and trying to watch and control his plough , desperate to keep his furrow as straight as the final one that George had done , so he wouldn 't be shown up . He wanted to show George what he could do . He wanted him to think that he was a man . George had the kind of hard muscled arms that Rob wished he had and he had seen him swing a hundredweight sack of grain up onto his back as if it weighed nothing at all . His hero watched him critically . Rob 's back straightened with pleasure as he heard the praise , and he took his mind off the job for a few seconds . As the horses turned at the end of the field he forgot to turn the plough with them and the plough handles slapped him at the back of the knees and knocked him into the ditch at the end of the field . As he got up , red faced and gasping for breath , George shouted across the field through his laughter , his voice carrying through the cold clear air . " Frame thissen you daft bugger . You want to sidle your plough round yoursen - don 't let your ' osses pull it round . You 're about as much use as a man made of band . " Rob pulled the plough handles round and gave the horses the order to walk on . He was angry with himself . It wasn 't the first time he 'd had hold of a plough and he should know better . Tagged Childhood , countryside , farming , ploughing , Yorkshire Welcome to my blog ! I hope that you find something here to interest you . If you have any thoughts , ideas or questions about what I have written please leave me a comment . I 'd love to hear what you think . 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Copyright © 2008 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any person , place , event , happening , thing , nice person , or nasty person seem familiar , it is purely coincidental . My name is Chad Emerson . I am a seventeen - year - old senior at Central Memorial High School in Strathaven , Alberta . I came to the realization that I am gay four years ago , when I was thirteen . It terrified me . I had heard so many horror stories about kids losing their families , their friends - everything - because they were gay . I read about Matthew Shepard and Larry King . I cried the whole time I was reading their stories and for a long time afterwards . I couldn 't comprehend how people could treat another person with such cruelty and hatred . How could they kill someone for something as insignificant as their sexual orientation ? Unfortunately , their stories reinforced my fear and confirmed my belief that coming out would be far too dangerous . I decided then that under no circumstances would I come out - ever . I was careful to never look at any guy for too long . In the locker room and showers , I kept my eyes focussed on the floor at all times . I might glance up at someone if they spoke to me , but it was only for a second or two at the most . I had it under control and everything was going to plan - until HE showed up . There were any number of guys at school that were the focus of my fantasies - at home , in my room , with the door locked . At school , I was able focus my attention away from them . But him … I don 't know what it was , but I couldn 't take my eyes off him . I tried … oh my God , I tried . He had long , dark blond hair which cascaded down the side of his face and across his forehead , emerald green eyes set off by his perfectly - shaped dark eyebrows and a small , perfect nose . He was tall , at least six feet two inches , and very slim . That first day , he was wearing black fitted jeans and a plain white shirt with the top three buttons open . It wasn 't just his appearance that attracted me , though . There was something else . I don 't know what it was , but there was some quality about him - his confidence , his grin . Definitely his grin . It lit up his whole face and seeing it , you couldn 't help but grin back . Mr . Ross asked him to introduce himself and all he gave us was his name : Josh Smith . When Mr . Ross asked him to tell us a little about himself , like where he was from and what his interests were , he simply said that if anyone felt they needed to know , they could to ask him , and if he felt they should know , he would tell them . Otherwise , it was none of their business . I don 't think Mr . Ross had had anyone respond quite like that before as he looked a little shocked for a second , but then he smiled and showed Josh where to sit . When the class was dismissed , it seemed as though every girl in the room was all over him . As I walked past him , he looked over at me , shrugged his shoulders and grinned . I just shrugged and grinned back . All morning , every time I saw him in the halls , he would give me that big grin . At lunch , I was sitting by myself in the cafeteria when a voice behind me asked , " May I join you ? " We sat , ate and chatted for the entire lunch period . I was careful not to appear to be prying into his past or trying to invade his privacy , so I kept to safe topics anyone could have discussed . Josh turned out to be one of the most intelligent and funny guys I had ever met . That lunch period was one of the most enjoyable hours I 'd spent in a very long time . At the end of lunch , he headed for his English class while I headed for my Chemistry class . I didn 't see him again until after school . When I did , he was getting into Greg West 's truck and his grin was noticeably missing . Greg West is the loudest , most stupid , bigoted redneck drunk in the county - and that 's being generous . I couldn 't help but wonder why Josh was being picked up from school by him . I didn 't have to wait very long to find out . Since I lived half a block away from Greg West , on my way home I usually walked down the alley behind his house . As I was walking by , I heard yelling coming from his house . It was Greg . What he was yelling blew me away . " Listen , you useless little faggot . You 're here for one reason and one reason only : your mother won 't have a faggot for a son and it 's my job to see to it you become the man God intended you to be . Why the Hell you would choose to become a faggot , I don 't know . It disgusts me . So you listen and you listen good . We can do this the easy way or the hard way , but one way or another you are going to change your mind and choose the right path : God 's path , " he yelled . " No it isn 't , " Greg yelled . " Satan is in you , boy . He has a hold on you and I 'm going to deliver you from him if I have to beat him out of you . " They were standing in the kitchen , next to the patio doors which were open . I glanced towards the house just as Josh glanced towards the alley . He saw me and our eyes locked for a few seconds before he turned and ran farther into the house . I ran as well , all the way home , into the house and into my room where I threw myself onto my bed and burst into tears . It was partly for Josh and what he was going through , but partly for me as well ; Greg had just reinforced all my worst fears . I stayed in my room until my Mom called me down for dinner . As soon as she saw me , she knew something was wrong . When she tried to get me to tell her , I lost it and broke down in tears . I was in her arms instantly and she just held me until I calmed down . She asked me if something had happened at school and I shook my head . " Well something has you more upset than I think I have ever seen you , " she said . " You can talk to me , son . I might understand more than you give me credit for . " We sat for several more minutes . I was trying to decide if I should tell her what I had heard or not . Then I thought about Josh 's safety . Greg was a very big man and he wouldn 't hesitate to beat Josh to a pulp to ' straighten him out ' . When I thought about that , I decided to tell Mom everything I had heard . By the time I was finished , she had tears running down her face . " Of course not , " Mom replied . " It 's just the way he is . What I care about is what Greg is liable to do to him . That man is pure evil . " Just then , we heard sirens . Mom and I ran out into the front yard as a police car screeched to a stop in front of Greg 's house . I guessed that with all the yelling and noise , one of the neighbours had phoned the police . Mom ran back to our house and I ran down the street to Greg 's house , where there was more yelling . I heard Greg tell the police officer to get the hell out of his house and mind his own business . There was a loud crash , as though someone had thrown something big or knocked over a china cabinet or something . Then there was a single gun shot . Mom had just got to where I was standing and she and I immediately hid behind a truck parked on the street . A minute or so later , Greg was led out of the house . He was bleeding from his left arm , so it was obvious the officer had shot him in the arm . Just then , another police car pulled up with two officers in it . Then an ambulance pulled up . Greg was loaded into the ambulance and one of the police officers got into the ambulance with him . There was still no sign of Josh . The first officer went back into the house . The second officer saw Mom and me and came over to talk to us . He asked us a few questions and I told him what I had heard . I also told him I was Josh 's friend and asked if there was anything I could do to help Josh . He asked us to wait for a few minutes to talk to the other officer and went into the house . A minute later , he came back out , told us the other officer would be out in a few minutes and began interviewing the other people standing around . After about ten minutes , the other officer came out of the house and spoke to the officer who had talked to us , who pointed towards Mom and me . He came over and asked if we would follow him . He led us into the house . I could hardly believe what I saw . The place was trashed . Josh was sitting on the sofa , his knees pulled up , his arms wrapped around his legs and his head resting on his knees . When he looked up at us , I almost broke down . His face was a mess . He had a black eye and it was already swelling shut . As well as that , his other eye was puffy and red from crying , there were tear streaks down both cheeks and his lip was bleeding and swollen . He just stared at us for a few seconds before breaking into tears again . Mom was all over him in a second . She sat down beside him and wrapped him in her arms ; he immediately leaned into her and began sobbing . Mom just held him , rocked him a little and told him he was safe and everything would be okay . I just stood there for a several minutes and then walked over and sat down on the other side of him . After about five minutes , he calmed down , lifted his head and turned to me . He knew I knew about him and I wanted to show him I was okay with it , so I smiled , put my arm across his shoulders and gave him a squeeze . He gave me a very weak smile back , but it was a smile . During this time , the officer just stood back and watched us . When everything seemed to be as calm as it was going to get , he told us he was going to take Josh to the hospital to be checked out . He asked my Mom if we would be willing to follow them and be with Josh at the hospital . My Mom replied that we would be more than willing . We spent the next two hours in the hospital . Josh seemed to have got himself together and was quite calm as the doctor checked him out . Mom and I were amazed at the number of bruises he had all over his upper body , not just his face . After the doctor was finished , a social worker came into the room . She spoke to the police officer for a few minutes , then quietly to Josh and then asked my Mom if she could talk to her . The two of them left , leaving Josh and me alone . The doctor came back a few minutes later and told us we were free to go . He gave Josh some pain killers in case he needed them and we left the hospital . When we got home , Dad was there . Mom had left him a note with a brief explanation of what was going on . We introduced him to Josh and when Josh reached out to shake my dad 's hand , I think he was more than a little shocked when my dad gave him a hug instead . When Dad stepped back , Josh looked at me and there was that trademark grin I had already grown to love . Mom and Dad got busy reheating everything Mom had prepared for dinner and soon we were all sitting at the table eating . We explained everything that had gone on that evening to Dad . When we got to the part about why Josh was sent to Greg 's , the fear Josh felt was obvious , but when my Dad assured him that it was a non - issue as far as he was concerned , the relief he felt was just as obvious . My parents ' reaction to Josh also gave me a sense of relief . Maybe they would be okay with me , too . By the time we finished eating , it was already ten o ' clock and I was feeling pretty tired . Josh must have felt exhausted after all he had been through , too . I told Mom and Dad I was tired and going to bed . Mom asked me if I would mind sharing with Josh tonight as the spare room was full of junk and wasn 't set up . I glanced at Josh and could see the apprehension in his eyes . I grinned at him and told Mom that I would like that . Josh gave me that grin again . On the way to my room , he thanked me and explained that he really didn 't want to be alone for the night . When we got to my room , I flopped down on my bed and asked Josh if he wanted to shower before going to bed . He replied that he did as he still had some dried blood on him . I showed him to the bathroom , found a new toothbrush for him and left him to it . When he came back , he just had a towel around his waist . " Yeah , he pretty much told the whole neighbourhood . So are you scared the other kids are going to be on your case about it ? " I asked . " I don 't know how the other kids will react . I haven 't really heard anyone say anything one way or the other about gays . But then , we 've never had someone we knew was gay in the school before , or at least no one I knew about , " I told him . " Oh yeah , she freaked on me . She yelled and screamed and told me I was going to Hell . She even said she would rather see me dead than gay . Then she phoned Uncle Greg and I was on my way here two hours later , " he said . " Good night , Josh , " I said , " and you 're welcome . I just hope I can help if anything goes wrong tomorrow . I 'm not exactly built for fighting either . " " Right , " I said as I wondered what might happen , and if I had the nerve to stand by him if things got rough . I think for the first time since I was little , I actually prayed . I prayed and asked God for the strength and the courage to stand by Josh if he needed me tomorrow . The next morning came way too early . It didn 't seem like I had slept at all when my alarm went off . I reached over and hit the snooze button , laid back and closed my eyes again . ' Ten more minutes - please , that 's all I ask . ' There was a sudden bang on my door as my Dad shouted , " Let 's go , boys , up and at ' em . " The alarm didn 't wake Josh up , but the bang on the door did as he suddenly sat up in the bed and started to look around the room with terror in his eyes . I reached up and touched his back , saying , " It 's okay , you 're safe here . " He jerked away from my hand and turned to look at me . His expression changed from one of terror to that beautiful big grin in two seconds as he realised he was safe . Half an hour later , we were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast . It was obvious that Josh was feeling very nervous about going to school . In fact , he was actually shaking . Dad looked across the table at him and smiled . He told us to call him on his cell if anything happened at school and he would be there right away . Since my Dad 's office was across the street from the school , we knew he would be there within minutes . Just as we were finishing breakfast , the doorbell rang . Dad got up to answer it and came into the kitchen with Dave Wilson and Ron Milbak right behind him . Dave was on the school football team and Ron was on the wrestling and rugby teams . As well , both of them played hockey and were definitely two of the most popular and respected guys in school . They weren 't dumb jocks either as they were both on the school 's honour roll . " Yeah we know , " Ron said . " We 're in your math class . Loved the way you told Mr . Ross to mind his own business . " Josh and I grabbed our backpacks and the four of us left for school . As we got to the front gates , it was obvious everyone knew what had gone on last night ; that 's one of the benefits of living in a small town . As we walked up to the school , we could almost feel everyone 's eyes on us . I can 't tell you how grateful I was to have Dave and Ron walking with us . We had two of the school 's most elite students talking to us , laughing and joking . It was better than having bodyguards . I had kids who had spoken maybe all of ten words to me in the last six years saying ' Hi ' to me . Josh had kids he couldn 't even remember seeing before talk to him . After our entrance , the whole morning went without incident . At lunch , Josh and I sat at the same table we were at the day before . Just as we were about to start eating , Dave and Ron came over and asked if they could join us . Of course , we said yes . Within three minutes , we had four more rugby players and three football players sitting with us . I knew them all , but Josh didn 't , so Dave introduced him to all of the guys . I took a second to look up towards heaven and whisper , ' Thank you ' . Things couldn 't have worked out better for Josh . With nine of the most popular guys in the school sitting with us for lunch , I knew nobody would have the nerve to even say anything negative to Josh , let alone threaten him or rough him up . When we got home from school that first day after the ' Greg incident ' , Mom and Dad were there to greet us . Of course , they wanted to know how our day went . When we told them how all the most popular jocks had come over and sat with us at lunch , I think we shocked them both . My dad , especially , seemed surprised . As he said to us , the jocks are often the ones most careful to distance themselves from anyone even thought to be gay . He said he was definitely impressed and was convinced that Dave and Ron were instrumental in getting the others to sit with us . We had to agree with him on that one . Just as we finished dinner , my cell phone rang . When I answered it , it was Dave . He wondered what we were doing and asked if we wanted to come over to his place and play some pool . I told him of course , we would love to . I told Dad where we were going and he just said to be home by eleven as there was school tomorrow . We got to Dave 's about five minutes later . He invited us in and led us down to the basement . Jamie and Aaron were already there . We set up three against three . Josh was on Jamie and Aaron 's team and I was on Dave and Ron 's . We played about four games before we decided to take a break . It was a blast . I hadn 't had so much fun in years . Dave went to the bar which they had set up in the corner of the basement and grabbed six Pepsis and we all sat back to relax . The first thing I noticed was that when Jamie sat on the sofa , Aaron laid down with his head on Jamie 's lap . Not only that , but Jamie began playing with Aaron 's hair and tracing his fingers around his ear . They were also looking into each others eyes and smiling . Josh immediately slid over and wrapped his arm around me . I just leaned into him and continued to cry for several minutes . Finally , I was able to stop crying and look up . By this time , all five of them had me surrounded . " It 's just a feeling , " he said , " like a sixth sense I guess . When you spend time with someone , you pick up on little things no one else would notice . I know with you , there were a few things . One of them was the way you look at Josh and the way your eyes kinda sparkle when he gives you that grin of his . Just little things like that . " " Don 't worry , " Dave said . " You have to know what you 're looking for to notice . It 's not like the average person would have a clue . And nothing leaves this basement unless you say so . We won 't say anything to out you . We promise . Okay ? " " Those things do happen and they 've scared the Hell out of all of us at one time or another , " Jamie said , " but sometimes being true to yourself is more important . There are all kinds of dangers : muggers , rapists , murderers who will attack you whether you 're gay or straight . We can 't spend our lives living in fear . We need to be who we are and live the lives we were meant to live . We 're gay . We were created that way . We shouldn 't be ashamed of it or live in fear of it . " Everyone moved back to where they had been sitting before . Dave and Ron were sitting a lot closer together . So were Josh and I , for that matter . We talked for almost an hour . We talked about a lot of things , but mostly about being gay , coming out , how others relate to you , how you might lose some ' friends ' and gain new ones , and how they were convinced that my parents already knew and would be fine with it . The one big thing they did tell me was to come out at my own pace ; not to feel pressured and not to do anything until I felt I was comfortable with it . It was then that we noticed it was already ten to eleven . I thanked them and got a quick hug from each of them before Josh and I ran out the door and all the way home . I was one minute to eleven when we walked in the door , both of us panting like we had just run a marathon . Mom and Dad were still up and watching some sci - fi show on TV . Dad laughed and told us we didn 't have to sprint home to be on time . They knew where we were and a few minutes one way or the other wasn 't that big a deal . We both thanked him . After we each gave them a hug and said good night , we headed for my bedroom . Josh showered and got ready first , then I followed suit . When I got back to my room , he was already in bed . I quickly slipped on some clean boxers , turned off the light and crawled in beside him . " I just spent more than an hour cuddled up with you at Dave 's , " I replied . " Yeah I like you . In fact , I like you a lot . " I answered him by placing my hand behind his head and pulling him down until our lips met . It was my first kiss - it was with another guy - and if there had been any doubt at all about being gay , it was gone now . I was definitely gay . It was incredible . The emotions that enveloped me at that moment were so intense . If that was what love felt like - I was in love . If that was what lust felt like - it would soon become love . After we broke the kiss , Josh cuddled up to me , nibbled on my ear for a few seconds before whispering , " I 'm falling in love with you , Chad Emerson . " We woke up the next morning in the ame position . We got ready for school , ate our breakfast and met Dave and Ron out front to walk to school . This time there were no whispers , and nobody was staring . Instead , we were greeted with a wave , or a hi , or a smile . It was great . All of a sudden , I was a somebody - just because I was walking with Dave and Ron . So was Josh . The politics of high school aren 't much different from the politics of regular life , I thought - it 's not who you are , it 's who you know . I have to admit , though , I enjoyed the new attention and status . We ate lunch with the same guys and had a great time . Josh was on a roll with his stories and had everyone laughing for most of the lunch break . Not only did they sit with us again that day , but for the rest of the semester we all ate together . To our credit , both Josh and I have a great sense of humour and Josh never seemed to run out of jokes or stories , so other than the fact that we were about as close to being jocks as the little red hen , we seemed to fit right in . We soon had to put two tables together , though , to make room for their girlfriends . As it turned out , they were just as friendly and just as much fun as the guys . When we got home , we went straight to my room and got our homework done . We did manage to squeeze in a little cuddling and kissing , however . Mom called us for dinner so we washed up and headed for the kitchen . While we were sitting at the table eating dinner , Mom looked at Josh and announced that they had finally got his room ready for him . " That one was easy , " Dad said , laughing . " I 've been working with Dave 's Dad for ten years . When Dave came out to him last year , he had a hard time with it and needed someone to talk to . He picked me . Then when Dave and Ron came over to walk you and Josh to school after Josh was outed , I just put one and one together and got a couple . " I saw her scoop up a cupful of water so I decided a quick retreat was in order in case Mom 's aim improved . I turned and ran for my room with Josh right behind me . As soon as my door closed , I was in Josh 's arms . I immediately wrapped my arms around him and we just stood there for a minute , staring into each other 's eyes before I leaned in for one of his mind - blowing kisses . " Yeah , me too , " I responded , " but it was only a matter of time . Look how quickly the guys figured us out . I guess when you 're in love it 's hard not to show it . " " I know , it 's been awesome , " I said . " At least we 're together most of the time . I mean , living in the same house is pretty cool . The other guys don 't have that , so I think we 're luckier that most . Besides , in a few months we 'll be finished high school and when we get to college , we 'll make sure we 're roommates . " I backed up to the side of my bed and lay down across it , pulling Josh down with me . Our lips met again and our tongues battled back and forth for a while . Then Josh raised up and looked me in the eyes . " I never thought I would ever feel like this , " he said . " The way my life was going , I didn 't think I would ever meet someone like you ; someone who could make me feel special just by looking at me . You have no idea how much you mean to me . I love you so much it almost hurts . " " I feel the same way , " I said . " Not that things were rough for me , just that I was so scared of being gay . I never dreamed a guy could simply grin at me and make me melt . You do that to me , you know . I love you so much , too . " Josh never did see or speak to his mother again . His uncle was sentenced to five years for assault , causing bodily harm and assaulting a police officer . Normally he would have received two years , but it was dealt with as a hate crime and , since he showed no remorse , the judge felt he was likely to re - offend and gave him the maximum sentence he could . We did both go the same college and we were roommates - although we considered ourselves life - mates , not just roommates . Jamie and Aaron were also at the college with us . Dave won an athletic scholarship to another college so he and Ron were there . We still saw them quite regularly though , as both colleges were in Calgary . Josh studied graphic arts and photography . I studied business and computer programming . We were both out from day one and became very active in the college 's Gay - Straight Alliance . In fact , I got talked into running for president , and , as unbelievable as it may seem , I won the election . I was interviewed by the college radio station and featured in a local television news story , explaining the function of the GSA in both cases . When a young man was threatened and called a fag by a college professor , I was on the radio and the news again , this time including a brief interview on network news . Needless to say , he lost his job , but not until the GSA threatened to take both the professor and the college to court and it hit the media . I smiled before I leaned up and kissed him . Then , laughing , I reminded him how much simpler my life had been until HE showed up . A very special thanks to Azy for all his time , hard work editing this story for me .

I fully intended for my last post on this blog to be about Kabo , over 2 years ago . And then 18 days after he died I had Penelope and realized that I needed to add her birth story here , just like I had her sisters . And now that we have had our fourth ( ! ) child , our family is complete and I feel I need to add Henry 's birth story here as well . You can 't say that the youngest always gets the shaft ! My due date was 9 / 9 / 16 . It was the Friday after Labor Day weekend . I was sure that there was no way , considering this was my fourth child , that I would make it through that weekend . Our cottage is up a hill from the lake so I knew there would be a fair amount of walking up and down that hill . Surely that alone would put me into labor ! Workaholic and I spent the entire weekend in a state of wait . Everyone wanted to know when I was due and when was that baby coming out ? Great question ! We compared the wait to being on vacation ( not that my pregnancies are vacation . . . anything but ! ) and it is the last day and you are waiting on your flight . The fun is over . It is time to head back to the real world . Only our real world was about to be flipped upside down . We chose not to find out ( again ) the gender of our baby . We realized after we had Penelope that it is just more fun that way . Sure , it is an agonizing 28 week wait . But it is the last chance for a true surprise in our lifetime . So we waited . And waited . I went to the doctor on Tuesday after Labor Day . I was mildly annoyed I had to keep that appointment . I was supposed to have had a baby by now . I was dilated to a whopping 2 to 3 . But the baby was high . I believe the words " I 'd have to reach for your tonsils to break your water " were spoken by my OB . However , he was open to inducing me seeing as how I was DONE . I no longer wanted to be pregnant . I even tried to get into the hospital that night , but the earliest he could get me in was Thursday night . Which meant that unless the baby decided to come out on his own , my fourth child 's birthday would be 9 / 9 , the same as his due date . I thought that was cool so we scheduled it . As if I had any other option . ( Waiting to go into labor was not an option . The closer I got to my due date the more stories I heard of women who had gone TWO WEEKS late with their fourth child . As I realized later , it is because the fourth child is a genius who knows better than to want to come into the insanity that is household with three older siblings . I 'm not sure what that says about me , seeing as how I am # 4 and I was 10 days early . ) I spent the days leading up to the induction lying to everyone about if I was in labor or if I was going to be induced and finishing up work at my job . The five business days of the month are our busiest and I figured might as well finish up what I had to do rather than try to hand off mostly completed work . I also had a weird thing about not wanting people to know I was having the baby on Friday . I guess I just like the calm before the storm . Once you have a baby everyone is so excited for you . Which is SO GREAT . It is also pretty exhausting . So I finished my month end at work , packed a bag , kissed my kids good night for the last time as a family of five and headed out the door . We were told to be at the hospital at 10pm and of course we were late . I would be remiss if I didn 't detail what Workaholic was doing all this time . He was working . As usual he was trying to finish up jobs and odds and ends so he would be able to relax while we were in the hospital and if possible , the first few days after the baby was born . I 'm pretty sure three of my kids all planned on being born on Friday ( Sam was on Thursday ) just so they could spend their first weekend with daddy . As in the past , he also finished up all of his work and dropped me off at the ER entrance so I could head on up to the 7th floor . I wasn 't expecting to not be taken by wheelchair this time . I also wasn 't expecting that the intake process would be so much shorter since I WASN ' T in labor . If you are in labor and go through the ER once the front doors of the hospital are locked it takes FOR - EV - ER for you to get up to the baby floor . This time I was basically waved on and I actually had to go back outside to get Workaholic to join me on the walk upstairs . Which , as it turns out , isn 't nearly as long a journey on foot when you aren 't writhing in pain and in a wheelchair . We got upstairs and were taken to the room I would deliver in . This was also different from the past because they always want to check you before putting you in this special room . I was happy Peggy was there with us when Sam was born . She had been called in because they were so busy that day . She was only supposed to stay until 11 but decided to stay with us until the baby was born because she liked us . I think it was because we do whatever we are told and don 't argue . While I was in labor with Sam her heart rate kept fluctuating because the cord was wrapped around her shoulder and was compressed every time I had a contraction . Peggy was cool , calm and collected the whole time . When it was time for me to push but we had to wait on my doctor to get back to the hospital from his office she assured us that she could deliver the baby , no problem . But we should wait for the doctor because that is why we pay him the big bucks . She had a point . So at 8am I was dilated to maybe a 3 . Pitocin had been started . Somewhere along the line they had broken my water which was VERY uncomfortable . They had to reach WAY UP THERE . I was feeling fine , not much pain , but I knew it was coming . We hung out with Peggy and joked around and talked about her brother a bit . She was monitoring the baby 's vitals and didn 't like what she saw . She didn 't say exactly , but she started to get jumpy . Saline was started so when it came time to call for the epidural I would be ready . ( They make you have a liter of saline in you before they will give the needle . ) I texted with my family and let them know I was in the hospital and baby # 4 would be coming that day . Around 8 : 45 Peggy wanted to check me again and he mouth dropped open . " You are at an 8 . " WHAT ? Seriously ? ( I actually said " seriously ? " because I hadn 't been in that much pain . ) At this point Peggy kicked it into high gear . She called her buddy Amy in to start doing nurse stuff and called the anesthesiologist who she knew was the quickest . She made the comment that she didn 't know if we would have time to get the epidural but I think she saw the look on my face and started dialing her phone before I could say anything . She also called my doctor at his office . His response was the saFortunately the liter of saline had been administered because the knight in shining armor doctor ( aka the anesthesiologist ) arrived shortly . He made quick work of prepping my back and even though the contractions were starting to get worse I was able to hold still long enough for him to make the magic happen . After a few minutes I could lay back and say that I was comfortable enough that he could leave . I do love me my epidurals . My doctor popped in to see how I was doing and asked if I had been checked since I got my epidural . Nope , so that was the next order of business . Down she went and the look of horror on Nurse Peggy 's face was quickly explained . . . I didn 't even have time to panic . " This hasn 't happened to me in 10 years . I reached past your cervix the last time . That can happen when you have a woman who has had multiple pregnancies . You are actually a 3 . " " Wait , what ? So I 'm not going to have this baby in the next few minutes ? Oh my . That is weird . " Those were my first thoughts . Peggy was so horrified that I felt bad for her . And to be honest , I had my epidural . I was comfortable . I knew that since I had it I would be progressing quickly . I didn 't care that it might take an hour longer than we anticipated . Poor Peggy ran out of the room to shamefully tell my doctor . He came in and smiled and laughed and said he was headed back to the office because we would be here for a while . I told him he might want to think twice because I progress pretty quickly once I get my epidural . He told me to put on my waiting pants . HA ! Put pants on . That 's funny . All of this happened before 10am . Doc left and Peggy continued to be unhappy with the results of the baby 's monitoring . She put a fetal heartrate monitor on his head so we could get accurate readings . At this point she declared that the baby was being difficult and so she thought it was a boy . The incident with my cervix had clearly left her rattled , but her buddy Amy kept her grounded and another nurse cohort continued to flutter in and out of the room and I continuAround 11 I was checked again . Sure enough , I was at a 9 . I knew it wouldn 't take long . I couldn 't wait to tell my doc I told you so . Peggy had Amy check me too just to be sure . There was no doubt . The pressure was starting to get quite noticeable and I couldn 't wait for my doc to get there . Once he did I was checked again and we were all set . Five pushes and he was out . Here is where the surprise came . We didn 't know the sex of the baby . Peggy made the announcement that the dad should say what if it was a boy or a girl when he / she made their appearance . So I push away and when you push you are looking down between your legs . The baby is born face up so as soon as he came out I saw . . . it . The penis . Wowie - wow - wow . I look at Matt and he isn 't saying anything , I am not sure if he even saw . So I say , " Oh my God it 's a boy . " Matt continued to not say anything . Everyone ooh 'd and aah 'd . They plop the little guy on my chest and I look up at Matt and say , " Now we have to get a girl cat . " ( He had promised Charlie that if we had a boy she could get a girl kitten and if we had a girl we would get a boy kitten . He was SO SURE that we were having a girl he figured it wouldn 't be an issue because Charlie only wanted a kitten if it was a girl . ) And that was one of the first things I thought of when I saw that we 'd had a boy . The way my mind works is strange at times . I think Matt still hadn 't said two words . He was totally shocked . His eyes teared up a bit . I hold the little boy on my chest for a long time while I got sewed up . They didn 't take him to be weighed and measured , they just wiped him down the best they could and lay him close to me while I was worked on . . . I always tear a little . It was probably an hour before I said , " Matt , do you want to hold your son ? " Even then he declined because the little baby boy just looked so happy and content laying there . I finally made him take him so I could see his face . Such a cute face . At 7 lbs 1 ounce and 19 inches long he was a perfect little guy . I know that I should have written this a long time ago because there are so many little details that I have already forgotten . What I do know is that it was a great birthing experience . And while yes , we " got our boy " , what we really got was a healthy little baby . That is all that matters . Posted by It has been 13 weeks and 3 days since our youngest little girl Penelope Kate was born . I decided it was finally time to share her birth story . . . but also write it down so I don 't forget any more of it . It was the Thursday before Memorial Day weekend . Even though I had been to the doctor the previous Friday and found out I was 3 cm dilated , I had made up my mind that this kid was going to wait until after the holiday to be born . It was either that or stay home all by myself while Workaholic and the girls enjoyed the beautiful weekend to come . Not exactly my first choice . Workaholic had been working even more than usual , trying to finish up some jobs he felt he could not hand off when the baby was born . He had worked full days , overnights , and then another full day without any sleep . I felt really bad for him . Which is why I was so nervous to tell him I was in labor . Besides the fact that I knew this kid was coming just as a nice three day weekend was starting . So around 4am on the 23rd of May , I woke up my dear husband , about a half hour before his alarm was set to go off . I told him we needed to go . I wasn 't in a lot of pain , but I knew that the contractions were starting , and seeing as how this was my third kid , I felt pretty confident in my decision . He hopped out of bed and off to the hospital we went . On the way , he called one of his employees ( poor guy ) to tell him the news . And to give him instructions for the jobs that this kid was now responsible for . As I was laboring not so painfully in the passenger seat next to him , he talked . All the way to the hospital . And since it was 4 : 30am , while he dropped me off at the ER entrance . And even as I was checking in , he paced outside the doors while he finished talking . I took my seat in the wheelchair for the long trip across the hospital to the 7th floor . This being the fourth time I have gone to the hospital in labor in the middle of the night , I felt like a confident old pro . I was taken to one of the aftercare rooms , which is where I had all of my NST 's done . It is smaller than the delivery rooms , and I knew that they would check me and then walk me down to the actual room I 'd be in for the big event . The nurse seemed a little . . . shy ? Unsure of herself ? Maybe just quiet ? I think I shocked her when I just dropped my pants to the ground in front of her and hopped up on the bed . At this point I asked her to call the doctor on call and the anesthesiologist . She checked me and I was still at a three . She asked me my pain level , which I gave as a three . Which was a lie because it wasn 't even that bad . It was more discomfort at this point . I realized later I SHOULD HAVE LIED MORE . She wandered off to call the doctor on call to tell him about me , and I was excited for my epidural . This was going to be cake . Workaholic sat down on a couch and looked at me and said , " Well , what do we do now ? " I said , " She 'll come back and move us , so don 't get comfortable . " HA ! When she came in a few minutes later , I could tell that the contractions were starting to intensify . She said that the doctor on call wanted to " monitor " me for an hour . ( The thing is . . . I know damn well that doctor is sleeping down the hall . The hospital had recently enacted a policy where an OB - GYN had to be in the building 24 / 7 / 365 . ) Keeping this in mind , I figured that if it got worse I could just tell her to go wake him up and order the damn epidural . So I said " OK " and she asked my pain level and then wandered off again . I SHOULD HAVE LIED . Within a half hour , my labor was really starting to intensify . The back labor was starting . I had not mentioned it before to the nurse because I really hoped I would not have it this time around . She came back to check on me and I again asked for the epidural . She paused , and said , " Well . . . he really wanted to monitor you for an hour . What is your pain level ? " Again , I SHOULD HAVE LIED . As she left the room , with no intention of waking the doctor , I looked over at Workaholic , started to cry and toI 'm going to go ahead and blame lack of sleep and his feeling that he is not an expert in birthing babies as to why Workaholic didn 't jump up then and chase down the nurse . Actually , I might have made him , I can 't remember . When she came back she could tell I was in more pain , and when I told her back labor had started , she said " oooh . " She checked me , I was at a four , ( only a FOUR ? ? ) and she proclaimed that I could now be moved to the delivery room . WELL NO SHIT . I never had an intention of leaving that hospital without a baby . . . I should have made that extremely clear from the beginning . I again asked for the epidural . By this time it was 6am . I knew shift change was coming . And so did my lovely nurse . She put me off by saying , " Well , we have to get you set up and get a liter of fluid in you before you can have it . " By 6 : 50 , shift change was happening , I was in MUCH more pain , and two lovely young ladies came in to be my nurses . One was shadowing the other , she was a new hire to the hospital , but had been a labor nurse before . I took comfort in that there were two of them . I listened as the night nurse rattled off my case to her and heard her mention the epidural . The comment was " We can wait for her doctor to order the epidural . . . it 's only ten more minutes . " The doctor didn 't know I needed my epidural NOW ? ? ? ? After I am obviously in pain , dilated to a four , and have asked for it multiple times ? You have got to be fucking kidding me . If I had not been in the middle of a contraction and unable to speak I would have started screaming right then . Once my 2nd contraction passed , ( Yes , I have contractions two at a time instead of just one before I get a break . So that is just awesome . ) I asked the nurse again for the epidural . I 'm not sure what happened at this point , it all is blurred together . All I know is at some point I was checked and I was at a five or six . WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE GODDAMN ANESTHESIOLOGIST ? ? ? I remember when they said that he had arrived and was getting his drugs together . After an eternity , they said he was mixing the drugs . I think at that point I looked at the clock and it was shortly after 8am . After another eternity I heard him wheel his little drug cart into my room to help me . I could not look at the clock since I was sitting on the side of the bed anticipating his arrival . I was also too busy trying to crawl up the bed on my hands and knees in an attempt to run away from the pain . Since I was in full blown labor with two - at - a - time back contractions , I had a little problem holding still for him . I guess he got annoyed because the nurses assured him that I was indeed having a contraction . But then , finally , FINALLY , he was able to stab me in the back with a needle and put an entire roll of tape on my back so it did not fall out . I should mention that at some point in the past hour , I had realized I needed to poop . Like , REALLY poop . The pressure was unreal . I was assured that I would still be able to feel the pressure once the epidural kicked in . And I could . I knew that nothing was going to take away that feeling . Except either pooping or having a baby . After a couple of minutes I asked the anesthesiologist if he went into that particular field because he knew that he would be the most popular guy in the hospital . He smiled . Everyone else laughed . I thought it was hilarious . I love anesthesiologists . They are my knights in shining armor . A little bit later the doctor showed up from his office and asked if he had time to change clothes . Everyone said yes . . . but I was thinking " I really really need to poop . " When doc got back , I asked if I could push . Since I really couldn 't tell when I was having a contraction , I just decided to push . And I just kept pushing until I ran out of breath . I actually ASKED if I could take a break and everyone was like , " Yeah . . . whatever you need . " It was during that short break that I heard my doctor say ever so quietly " meconium " . I knew exactly what that was . . . and I knew this kid needed to get out of me , and fast . So one more long push and Penelope was born ! ! ( For those of you not lucky enough to know what meconium is . . . it is when the baby has a bowel movement in the womb . Breathing in that poop can be fatal . ) And then there was silence . She was whipped off to a team of three nurses I had not noticed slip in the door . They worked on her in the warming bassinet a few feet away from my bed . I switched my gaze between my doctor working intently on me and at Workaholic as he stared at Penelope and the nurses . They kept saying reassuring things . . . . " Oh she 's beautiful , Oh she 's going to be OK . " and phrases like that . There were suctioning sounds and a loud smacking sound as they whacked her with this soft hammer thingy . I wondered why my doctor wouldn 't look up from what he was doing . I didn 't think that was a good sign , then reminded myself that he was not a pediatrician . I asked how much she weighed and they couldn 't tell me because they were still working on her . Eventually I heard a little squeak . And then another . And then another . What a great sound . . . that little squeak . My parents and Workaholic 's parents and Sam and Charlie and our nanny came and visited while I just laid in my bed relishing the fact that I was supposed to be doing nothing . It is seriously the greatest feeling in the world . Well , that plus the epidural . And , as it turns out , there was no need for me to be nervous about Workaholic and his work since he had finished everything he needed to do the day before . Cue the burden lifted off of his shoulders . The next two days were fantastic as I stayed in the hospital with a baby who never cried and slept all the time . Plus , even though the food kind of sucked , it was delivered , so I can 't complain . And Workaholic stayed with me the whole time . While we did leave the hospital with a name , it did take a day and a half for us to decide on Penelope Kate . At 7 pounds 15 ounces , she is my biggest baby so far . The first two weeks she was the easiest newborn on the planet . As soon as I declared that on Facebook , she decided to do an about face and start crying . She cried for roughly the next 9 weeks or so . A combination of gas , reflux , constipation and sister torture turned out to be the cause . Poor baby . While I did switch her formula , I think that the biggest contributors to her current success were gas drops ( BEST THING EVER ) and probiotics ( ALSO BEST THING EVER ) . Basically , drugs that help her fart and poop . This is my life now . At 13 weeks exactly , she realized that all the cool kids sleep through the night . Which means that she has been sleeping 11 hours straight for three days now . Keep it up kiddo ! ! Now that she is sleeping a lot more , Sam is in kindergarten ( ! ! ! ) , Charlie will be starting preschool next week , and I am back to work . . . well , the whirlwind continues . I 'm trying to learn to slow down and take a deep breath . And not yell at the kids so much . Even when Sam argues with every . single . thing . I say . And touches the baby when she is quiet and makes her start crying . But Sam does have a magic touch sometimes where she sings and dances and Penelope stops crying . ThPosted by From the time I started this blog 6 years ago , I knew that there was one post I would have to write . Probably one of the hardest posts I would have to write . Because the thing about animals is . . . they die before us . The last week of April Kabo slowed down considerably . My father - in - law even commented that he " was on his way out the door " . He barely ate , rarely got up from the bedroom floor , and obviously was just not himself . I told myself that he IS a 14 1 / 2 year old dog . But I knew something more was wrong , I just didn 't know what . The following Monday I took him to our beloved vet and she confirmed a kidney issue . So he was super dehydrated . I got blood work and x - rays and a urine culture done , then meds and fluids and went home . I was cautiously optimistic , because Kabo had beaten every other injury or sickness that he 'd ever had . Not that there had been many , but there had been a couple . Besides , this is the best dog in the world . . . he will never die . Even so , I texted Workaholic and told him the situation , and then mentioned that I had always wanted a family picture with him and I , Sam and Charlie , Kabo , Kale and Sampson . Just the seven of us . I thought nothing more of it . Later in the afternoon on Monday , I had one of my weekly late pregnancy appointments with my baby doctor . When he asked what was going on , I casually said that my dog was possibly in kidney failure . His eyes got wide and said " You too ? ! " His 7 year old Bernese Mountain Dog had succumbed to kidney failure not too long before . I asked him for the story , and he hesitated before detailing out her symptoms and behavior and what the vet told him . And when he told me that she was gone about a month after diagnosis , it hit me that everything he had just said was just what I heard at the vet and observed in my own beloved Fonz . I left that appointment feeling dejected , but not hopeless . Each day that week , twice a day , I hung up 2 liters of saline on my living room ceiling fan and Kabo laid underneath while the fluid created a bubble under his skin . He perked up , but still refused to eat unless it was soft food out of my hand . Friday morning came , and it was his follow - up appointment . We were going to do more blood work to see if his function had improved , and also get the results of the urine culture . As I stood in the almost - scalding hot water in the shower , I realized that he was REALLY sick . As in , not recovering kind of sick . I 'd had my doctor 's story in the back of my mind all week , but the reality of the situation hit me that morning . I began to cry , and I cried and cried and cried . Finally I was able to finish my shower in time to leave for the appointment . The closer I got to the clinic , the more dejected I got . The tears began again and I could not stop them . I didn 't even try this time , just wiped them away enough for me to see where I was going . The actual appointment is still a haze . Two different doctors came in to talk with me , confirming kidney failure , showing me his results and cautiously offering medication and options . I took the medication and enough saline for the weekend and promised to come back on Monday . But not before looking into my vet 's kind , wide eyes . The eyes said everything . He was not going to recover from this . Again I broke down . I had never actually thought that this would be the way he would go . I thought I would have more time . I thought it would be cancer , and I wouldn 't have to say good - bye so quickly . As I sat crying on the floor of the exam room I knew I needed to call my BFF and ask her to come and visit us on Monday . She is a vet , and could do the euthanasia at home . That is one thing that I always knew , he would be home when he passed . He would be with me . He would not go alone . I had changed Kabo 's grooming appointment for the following week to later in the day Friday . I was taking all precautions , and he was smelly and dirty from soiling himself while laying down . He knew he was filthy and it affected his mood . I dropped him off and warned them that he was in kidney failure and probably had not much time . As in . . . three days . They called several hours later , waaay after I thought he wouldThe same dog who could not stand on the grooming table long enough to be shaved stood the ENTIRE DRIVE to the lake . A solid hour and a half . As he stepped out of the van , I couldn 't help but admire him . His blond fur was clean and soft and his eyes reflected the feeling that he knew he looked good . He held his head high and wandered off to do whatever it is he does when he first gets to the lake . I continued the fluids that night and the next morning , and then went outside to meet the photographer , who knew the situation . We immediately did the family shots , then released Sampson from the grip of a happy 3 year old . We did more shots with just me and him , him and the girls , shots with Workaholic and the girls , and shots of just the girls . It wound up being a lot more than I expected , but was pretty happy with the shoot . I knew he was a little low on energy , but I had to take what I could get . Sunday was not a good day for Kabo or me or Workaholic . We went home and I did more crying . I stopped the saline , there was really no point now . Workaholic fed him a lot of bacon and some other human food , went to bed and I cried myself to sleep . I just kept telling myself that I could not believe that this was it . This is what I had been dreading for 14 years . I did not sleep much and figured out the logistics of when the girls would be gone and when they would be home and when we would do the deed . Monday morning slowly rolled around . It was any other day as far as my kids were concerned . We had been prepping Sam that Kabo was very sick and might die . Understandably , she did not want him to die . He was HER dog . She had known him since she was little , and he used to make her laugh . When we went for walks , she was the one to hold his leash while I corralled Kale and pushed the stroller . Of all the constants of her life , he was one that had always been there , since the beginning . Never changing . Always there . Workaholic and I sat with him for a long time before we let him go . I could not stop stroking his fur , burying my face in it , taking in his signature smell . I 've already forgotten what he smelled like . We talked to him , I assured him it was OK , it was time and I knew that . It was time for him to go to the Rainbow Bridge and be healthy and happy and run and jump and play again . Like he did when he was young and strong . And then he was gone . My BFF made the comment that he had held on for me . It 's true . I never imagined he would live to see me have three kids . He fell a couple of weeks shy of doing that . As much as Sam knew that he was always there for her , for me truer words had never been spoken . From the very beginning , when Workaholic and I were seniors in college , he was my boy . We roller bladed together , all over campus , time and time again . I took him to the local parks that were wooded trails that all said to keep your dogs on leash and I let him off of the leash . We practiced and practiced how far he could go and when he had to come back . When I graduated , I decided to buy a house with a large yard so he would have room to run and play . When we moved to Florida , we didn 't go with a condo near the beach ; we bought a house with a fenced in yard and a pool . When I lived at my parent 's house , he lay in the back yard for hours upon hours , looking out into the darkness . Watching , listening , protecting . He rarely wandered out of the yard , but was brought home once by a very nice lady . I took him every day I could to the job site of our new house , and when the sod was finally laid down , I have never seen a happier dog . He raced in circles and rolled in the soft grass , so happy that the hard clay and mud were gone . I made him endure a dozen foster dogs , the birth of one child , then another , then introducing a cat into the house , and finally a puppy . Through it all , he stayed near me . Not necessarily by my side , but he always knew where I was . He would lay near the bedroom door so he could see me in bed and also look down the hall , guarding us . His favorite spot was at the top of the stairs , where he could see out the windows down the street of our neighborhood . He 'd sit in the landscaping at our house , and was so quiet and still that neighbors walking their dogs didn 't notice him . He would stare down the street , waiting for me to come home . He always seemed to know his boundaries , I rarely had to have him on leash . He just wanted to be near his mom . He was an AKC Canine Good Citizen and everyone who met him loved him . His soft fur , his gentle demeanor , his quirky antics . His obedience . Even people who do not like dogs liked Kabo . They knew that where I was he would be close behind . The ones who were around when he was a puppy don 't even remember his high energy , the energy I had to harness in again and again so as to not piss people off . He could swim in the lake for hours . We often let him out and forgot about him . When we 'd go looking for him in a panic , there he would be , digging for rocks in the lake in front of our house . He so loved digging for rocks . Even if he did not know what to do with them if he actually got one in his mouth . He just loved the water . That high energy pup matured into the absolutely perfect dog . Sure , he only came when he knew I was serious ; and he thought " fetching " was actually more of " chasing and not bringing the ball back . " As he got older and more frail , I watched with joy when he got his little bursts of energy and ran circles in the yard or wrestled with Kale . He still loved to catch snowballs and he LOVED last winter , with all the snow . How appropriate that the snowiest winter was his last . He 'd stay outside until he could not walk because of the ice and snow packed into his paws . To him , snow was joyous fun . And you couldn 't but help catch on to his enthusiasm . I know he left me 2 weeks before I had Penelope because he knew what I could handle . He knew that he had surrounded me with enough people to love me and support me through whatever life threw at me . He didn 't need to be here on Earth anymore . But I sure am happy that he was here for 14 years . He helped shape who I am today . He will forever live in my heart and my soul . To my Kabo . . . I 'll see you again when the time is right . I love you . Posted by I read a lot of " mommy blogs " . Like , a lot . And usually they offer great tips and insights on raising kids , or tell great stories , and generally make you feel better about the job you are doing as a mom . You may not always agree with what the writers have to say , but they are allowed to say what they want to , and whether or not I agree is really irrelevant . Either way , I click off the blog and go on with my life . My life as a full - time working mom with two daughters . Recently , a lovely mother posted a video where she was singing about raising boys . And how great it was . And then other blogs popped up , 10 Great Things About Raising Boys , 9 Reasons I 'm Glad I Have Boys , 8 Reasons I Love Having Sons . Just go to www . scarymommy . com and search " having boys " . I began to get curious , where were the blogs about girls ? If you seach " having girls " , most of the same articles about having boys come up ! Girls are great to raise , I mean , I should know , I have two of them and they are pretty fantastic . And since it is entirely possible I will soon be a mother to not one , not two , but three little girls , I thought that maybe I would be qualified to write a list as to why girls are great . You know why I would need to write such a blog ? Because I found ONE blog about the good things girls add to parents ' lives . Seriously ? Really ? All I could find were how - to articles about what you need to do to raise your girls . Things that you must instill in them and things you should not do or say in front of them . All in all , it makes raising girls sound horrific and terrifying and that anyone doing it deserves the utmost sympathy and possibly sainthood . ESPECIALLY if you have more than one . DEFINITELY if you have three or more . Poor , poor people who have girls . While I am all for gaining sympathy and am certainly excited about sainthood , it 's kind of depressing to see blog after blog proclaiming the wonderfulness of raising boys , which inadvertantly point out the difficulties in raising girls . Because , like I said before , girls . are . awesome . Boys are dirty , pee everywhere , and have ugly clothes . So there . Shopping for a little girl is so . much . fun . Pink dresses , little white carnigans , patent leather shoes , matching outfits for every day of the week . Red pants with a T - shirt with a strawberry on it , green pants with an adorable Irish saying on a long - sleeved blouse , purple striped pants that go with an assortment of sweaters . For two years I got to dress Sam up in the cutest outfits . I never really had to do her hair because it took so long to grow out . Pop a sparkly barette in and call it done ! Dressing your daughter to look like the cutest thing ever to breathe on this planet is definitely one of the highlights of having a baby girl . Sam was not quite two when Charlie was born . By the time I returned to work after maternity leave , she was pretty adept at dressing herself . She could pick out pants , shirts , socks or shoes . And get them on . Right side out . And not backwards . No matter that they did not match . She was dressed , one less thing for me to do . With two under two , I took all the help I could get . Often they potty - train earlier / easier When it came to potty - training , we did not push either girl , because quite frankly , we were sort of busy . And didn 't feel like fighting with them . We showed them what to do , explained the process , and told them there would be prizes and candy and dancing once they did the deed . And one day , I heard the toilet flush and Sam came out of the bathroom pulling up her pants . With Charlie , we tried a litlte bit harder , cajoling her and bribing her and finally resigning to the fact that she would do it when she was damn well ready to . After a brief stand - off with her father a couple of weeks after her third birthday , she did it . And that was that . Potty training ? Check . The majority of the time , children are raised by a female . Whether it be mom or a daycare worker or a nanny , generally the nuturing child care provider role is filled by a woman . And little girls often like to emulate their caretaker . Whether this baby I 'm carrying is a boy or a girl , I know that both Sam and Charlie will be clamoring to help . Sam has already told me that she can change pee diapers . Charlie is great about helping with the animals if I have my hands full . Even though I have two kids already , I am actually much less terrified about having my third than I was about having my second . They are older and can be my slaves , earn their room and board , I mean help around the house . They already do ( laundry anyone ? ) , and I know that having a small sibling will assist me in teaching the girls how to be productive , responsible adults . Face it moms . You are a girl . You like to do girly things . Those things are fun to you . Watching Disney princess movies , doing hair , painting nails , shopping , playing dress - up , and dancing in the living room are fun for your girls . And while nail polish on the walls is sort of inevitable , shopping can be infuriating ( NO , YOU CANNOT HAVE A NEW TOY OR THOSE SHOES . But OK , the headband is super cute , you can have that . ) and doing hair will become the biggest battle of wills that ever existed , Posted by I always say around January 1st that I want the new year to be easier , and more simple , and generally less stressful . Did I tell ya 'll that I am prego with baby # 3 ? So much for less stressful . We moved into a home that has a full unfinished basement . Currently , the girls share a room and the other bedroom is used for a playroom . That room will be the nursery for the child which is due to arrive May 25th . In order for that to become a nursery , all the toys in there , ( the ridiculous number of toys ) must be moved to the basement . In order for that to happen , the basement needs needed to be cleaned . All of our shit from the old house was is down there , scattered about in piles of boxes that used to make sense . And THAT my friends , is what we did last weekend . While I spent six hours running errands in the snow on Saturday , Workaholic spent six hours reorganizing the basement . Making piles of trash and piles and piles and piles and piles of boxes for me to go through . He had already built a storage units worth of shelving down there , so many of the things that he knew did not need to be gone through were already organized neatly on the shelves . On Sunday , I spent another good six hours either standing or sitting on the floor going through boxes and repacking boxes and making more boxes of things to be taken to the Salvation Army . Workaholic spent another 2 - 3 hours putting his OCD to rest and moving things around some more . And at the end of the day , we have a space that is ready for a gazillion toys and currently has enough room for the girls to ride bikes . My new favorite phrase is going to be , " Go play in the basement . " Once we get the toys to the basement we can move the furniture that the girls are currently using in their bedroom to the nursery , since that was its original intended use . Then we can paint and set up the beds and dresser I got for the girls and OMG . . . we will have a place for all the children to sleep ! ! There is still the matter of the five boxes in my room that need to be unpacked and pictures that need to be hung and the Christmas tree needs to come down ( yes it was real and yes it is now dead ) and newborn shit to be unpacked and washed and probably there are things that I need to buy . BUT THE BASEMENT IS CLEAN . Let 's all sing the praises to my ridiculously hard working husband . And also to the show Chuck , which has been playing in my house for two days now and keeps his brain busy enough to not go crazy in the silence but not too busy to keep him from working . And January isn 't even over yet ! ! ! ! PS No , we are not finding out the sex of baby numero tres . PPS Yes , we have noticed that it is due on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend . Yes , I do hope / plan to go into labor a tad early so as not to ruin anyone 's ( Workaholic 's ) weekend . PPPS I am kidding about ruining the weekend . Sort of . Posted by I was talking to a friend recently and she commented how she couldn 't wait for 2013 to be over because it sucked . Just a lot of commotion and not enough joy . And that is exactly how I feel . It seems when I reflect at the end of the year I always think of the bad things and how I want the next year to be better . Which I guess is sort of human nature ? I was super duper looking forward to selling our house this year that we had been in for 9 years . And WE DID IT ! Do you know what happens when you sell a house that you have been in for any length of time ? You have to pack . And there is so much packing that in order to do it properly you should take your time and think about it and sort things and be practical and get rid of things . Since Workaholic and I are champion procrastinators , you just know that didn 't happen . Packing up a 4100 sq . ft . house into boxes sucked . Especially since the house was empty when we moved in and it was FAR from empty when we moved out . Workaholic wasn 't ( isn 't ) quite as willing to part with certain things like I was ( am ) . For example , all the furniture we inherited or took in as hand - me - downs so we could fill our big new house ? He wants to keep . Or not just give away . I say , " Let 's become Craigslist 's best client . " Bedroom furniture , office furniture , living room furniture , rugs , toys , bedding sets , and more I would be happy to part with in a big fun bonfire . I know it sounds stupid , but I 'd rather not have a matching bedroom set of dressers that I don 't like than have mismatched pieces of furniture that I do . AND , as it turns out , Workaholic and I have quite the different taste in . . . well , everything . As a result , the story - and - a - half much smaller house that we bought has things in it that I really like . And a basement full of crap that I don 't . Don 't get me wrong , there are also things down there that I like . Kitchen gadgets that don 't fit in our new cabinets , kid 's clothing , Christmas decorations , Halloween costumes , fine china , and toys that I swear we 'll bring out and the girls will play with them . Then there are other things . . . like Workaholic 's dozen boxes of paperwork on I - have - no - idea - what , boxes of wires that belong to electronics that don 't exist anymore , and OH - EM - GEE THE EMPTY BOXES . We have at least 20 LARGE cardboard boxes that are piled into a corner . This does NOT include that pile of broken down cardboard boxes that are in the same corner . There are also random assorted piles of wood and tools and sawhorses and electronics that actually DO work . And let 's not even talk about the boxes ( that I packed ) of meticulously packed toys that were no longer played with that were unceremoniously ripped open and the contents tossed all over the basement . I walk down there and it is so overwhelming I just turn around and go back up the stairs . Common sense and a host of hoarders experts would say that you take the big project and break it down into small projects and tackle them one at a time . A while ago I found out I have this lovely personality flaw trait called the " all or nothing " . Which means if I don 't think I can do it immediately and do it perfectly , then why even attempt to do it at all ? I 've been this way as long as I can remember and I have no idea how I graduated from college . With a somewhat decent GPA . Almost the only time I can get any type of large project done is when Workaholic is there pushing me . His unending energy and relentless desire to get everything done ( and done perfectly ) makes it almost impossible to just sit around . Not to say that I work as hard or as long as he does , but at least I do put in some time and energy and amazeballs , I get shit done ! ! Our new home has very few decorations hung up and the Christmas decorations are half - assed at their best . And were mostly done over last weekend . I 'm not a decorator at heart and I definitely cannot imagine what an entire room should look like based on one piece of furniture . I 'd hire an interior decorator but HOLY SHIT THEY ARE EXPENSIVE . Their hourly rate doesn 't sound bad , until you have them put in a few hours at your house and a few more shopping and all of the sudden you are looking at a couple paychecks worth of services . Anyway , so that is where we live . The house we moved out of was perfectly decorated because I hired someone to make it look perfect for the real estate listing , and the new house is a scattered physical rendition of my brain . The house that we were in and that we are in now is only a part of why I am looking forward to 2014 . In between houses we decided to live in the cottage in Michigan for the summer . I commuted an hour - and - a half to work twice a week , while Suky and the girls spent the summer on the lake . And Workaholic came up on the weekends . Let me repeat that . . . Workaholic came up on the weekends . So during the week I got little sleep because of the commute and the working and the fact that my daughters didn 't like sleeping in their own room or going to bed at a decent hour or not waking in the middle of the night to come in and crawl in bed with me which then woke me up . On the weekends family and friends were there and FUN ENSUED . ( It really did . ) Then they went home and I drove to work and finally caved and let the girls sleep with me all the time just so I could get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time . Even with Suky there , the stress level was at an all time high . She missed her friends and working out at her gym , the girls and I missed Workaholic more than we ever thought possible , and then there was a host of other things happening that added to the fun . As much as I was looking forward to living at the lake for the summer , I honestly can say that it will never happen again 2014 is going to be an awesome year for a multitude of reasons . We are " settled " into our new house . Which is smaller and much more manageable . We WILL get the basement cleaned up and out . The house that my father - in - law and brother - in - law and husband are building will be finished by Memorial Day . ( It better be . ) I will continue to work on my all - or - nothing personality and therefore hopefully will be able to more fully enjoy every moment . Good or bad . Stressful or not . I 'm not really into making New Year 's resolutions because they are crap and I never keep them . ( See aforementioned personality flaw . ) And I am not making them this year . This year is going to be a continued resolve of the things that I have worked on in the past . I may have fallen off the bandwagon , but damn if I 'm letting it go on without me . I am a mom who also works full - time . I have two daughters and a husband and a Golden Retriever and a black cat and a Flat - Coat Retriever . I had the boy first , then we got the dog , and years and years later we had the kids . Then came the black cat and the black dog . I like sunshine and green grass and non - salty water , and it really doesn 't take much to entertain me .

the alley . " Hey Bandor look what we have over … " Whatever he had been about to say cut off with a thud , as a stone dining bowl hit him in the temple . He crumpled to the ground , the knife he had in his hand clattered onto the wood floor . " Grevail ! " Braiden was behind him , already holding another bowl over his head . " Come on out the front ! " Grevail scrambled up , and ran over to him , looking back at the man still down in the doorway , only his legs inside the house . " Norum ! You idiot ! You have to open doors before you go through … " Whatever else he said was lost as Braiden pulled him through the house to the front door and shoved him out . " That was close , I thought I had heard someone . " Braiden looked flushed , his blonde hair swung about as he looked down the street . " Now we have to get out … " Suddenly a few talking voices could be heard , seconds after a band of men and women came around the corner . They were all in blue tunics with an odd black symbol on their chests , but between the dust from the street and Braiden pulling him the other way , he couldn 't tell what it was . " Faithless ! " Somebody behind them cried , he could hear people start running behind him , and he ran faster , keeping stride with his brother . They took their next left , and Braiden jumped over a chair in his path , as Grevail stumbled and almost fell . When he looked back up he saw the two thieves standing in the street . The skinny man who 's back was to them , Norum , facing the big man apparently nursing his head wound . Luckily they didn 't see them right away , as they were deep in conversation . " Keep running ! " Braiden shouted , as he ran right toward them and jumped into the air . The big man looked over the skinny mans shoulder right then , pure astonishment and surprise marred his face , his eyes widened and he managed to get out a hoarse shout before Braiden crashed into the skinny mans back , knocking him into the big man . Braiden rolled off the pile of thieves and flowed back into a run . As if on cue the mob that had been chasing them came around the corner , all shouting and screaming about the faithless . They slowed when they saw they had two quarry 's now instead of one . The big man pushed the smaller man off of him , stood up , and immediately began running towards the nearest alley , and his partner wasn 't far behind . The mob looked torn between the two groups , but they went with the closest and ran down the alley after them . It looked as if one or two would continue after them , but they decided against it , running after their fellow mob - members . They kept running , they ran through streets empty of life . Once he thought he saw somebody slinking from building to building down an alley and Taurana popped into his head . He hoped she was okay , but there wasn 't much he could do about it now anyway . They crossed the larger streets in much the same manner as Grevail had earlier , waiting a few minutes before bolting across . Once a group of people ran down the street in front of them as they hid in an alley . They didn 't have the tunics on , but Grevail didn 't want to hail them down to find out who 's side they were on . Soon they came to the western edge of town , luckily no one was waiting at the gate for people . They ran through the gate and towards the woods outside of town . The stretch before the woods was probably the most harrowing . He noticed Braiden kept looking back at the gates , hoping no one would see them and follow . Once they reached the woods , Grevail crashed into the nice soft wet grass in the shade under an oak . He turned over sweating and breathing heavily . A long silence stretched b " Taurana said that 's where she would head . I hope she is okay . " Grevail sat up , brushing dirt and vegetation off of himself . " I 'm sure she will be fine brother , she is a smart girl . " Braiden stood then , light from the sinking sun illuminating his hair , making him look quite heroic . " We had best start traveling , I don 't think it 's wise to build a fire in these woods tonight , or even stay around the town . Who knows how far those lunatics will venture out . " He waited a moment for Grevail to rise to his feet , and then headed off into the woods . " We should travel in the woods along the road till we are well past Tamirra , just to be safe . " Grevail only nodded . With all that had happened in the short amount of time since his arrival in town , he was tired . He would have liked nothing more than just to sit down and sleep , but he knew Braiden was right . Tamirra was no longer home , and he didn 't feel like being anywhere near it . They traveled through the forest well into night . Moving quietly among the tree 's . Once a group of people appeared on the road with torches , heading towards Tamirra , they were talking softly among themselves . However since they were unable to tell exactly who they were , they simply laid flat in the underbrush until the group had gone by . After that they saw no one , and they talked little . That is until the lights of a farmhouse appeared through the tree 's in a small clearing . Grevail knew they had long since left the town behind and proposed a question to his brother . " Maybe we should ask if we could sleep in their barn tonight Braiden . " He asked his brother as they crouched in the brush just beyond the light of the windows , the small house emitted . " Okay … I wouldn 't imagine that those heretics would find this place yet . I almost feel like we should warn them anyway . " Grevail nodded silently , he felt much the same way . At least they could help somebody be aware before a mob fell upon them . Braiden slowly snuck out of the bushes , and Grevail followed . The house was a squat one story building , and Grevail could see that they had added on to it over the years , but not by much . Much of the original house was made of old wood , and looked to have been painted red at one point , but it was hard to tell in the dark . The newer additions of the house had wood that was still bright and fresh , and yet to be painted . A large barn stood directly in back of the house towards the end of the clearing and the sounds of animals could be heard . Braiden sauntered up to the door after it was clear that nobody was outside , which also gave support to the idea that these people had not heard of the happenings in Tamirra . Grevail deduced they didn 't know or they would have placed a watch , or already have fled . " We are looking for a place to stay for the night . " Braiden replied solemnly . " We could even pay you a bit of mirra if you have some extra food , and a place in your barn . " Grevail simply stood behind his brother , and looked as meek as possible . Hoping that the man would say yes . Grevail didn 't relish the thought of sleeping under a bush tonight . " We also have important news we would like to share with you about the town of Tamirra . " Braiden stood back then waiting for the older man to respond . He was still looking at them suspiciously , but Grevail could see that his guard had come down somewhat . Obviously he and his brother were far from rough looking , and couldn 't be mistaken for thieves or brigands . But who could be too safe ? " I noticed a lot of people on the roads today when I was walking my lands . I thought it a bit odd . " His suspiciousness vanished altogether as he turned from the door . " Johanna ! Heat up two bowls of that stew , and get something to drink , we have guests ! " Soon after they were comfortably seated in the man 's house , who after a bit of chatting told him his name was Avlov . He lived here with his daughter Constance , and his wife Johanna , he was a farmer mostly , but had a few chickens and cows so he could sell milk and eggs at the market in Tamirra . The house was as small as it looked from the outside , a kitchen with a large dinner table took up most of the room inside the main cavity . A couple small chairs were set up around a coffee table near the door . On the walls he didn 't have paintings but old farmer 's tools , a hoe , some shears , that gave the little room a nice cozy , rustic feel . His wife had a great variety of different herbs growing in pots and hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen to dry . " Now what 's this business with Tamirra . " His blue eyes shifted across the both of them , though Braiden had been doing most of the talking . " Well … " Braiden began , taking a sip from the simple homemade country beer , in a pewter cup , that sat in front of him . And holding off a burp from the great beef and barley stew they had just consumed . Grevail busied himself by picking at a leftover chunk of bread . " The town has been taken over Avlov . " The shock on Avlov 's face was obvious , his wife he had just come from what Grevail supposed was their bedroom had also heard . " The town has been what … ? " She was not overly pretty but had a nice motherly face , she also had blue eyes , but blonde hair not like Avlov 's brown . She was a short woman , and her hands like Avlov 's showed the wear and tear of working on a farm for most of her life . " That 's impossible , how could this have happened ? " Avlov was getting quite nervous now his eyes going to slits , almost as if he suspected these two young men were playing a prank on him . " What about the Lord Nobles , surely the would never have let this happen . " " I have heard that some of the Lord Nobles are dead , which ones , or how many I cannot say . " Braiden put his glass down , and Grevail looked to him somewhat angrily . He wondered what else his brother had not told him . " Apparently there was a battle around the town square , and the Lord Noble 's lost . " " But to who ? " Johanna 's voice sounded as amazed as she looked . " Who could do such a thing ? " Her voice trembled slightly , as she took another sip of what Grevail assumed was wine . " Some fanatic religious priest . Thoma Crista was what his name is said to be " " Religion ! " Avlov said bewildered . " They took over the town because of religion ? I didn 't know there were other religions to even be believed in ! " Braiden nodded slowly , taking another long drink of beer before going on . " Apparently he has been preaching that he is going to bring an old god back or something of that nature . I never saw him , but I had heard talk of him in town for a couple days . " Johanna spoke up . " What about the Order of Orlead , surely they could not have defeated them ? " She looked at her husband as if to be reassured yet he just sat there waiting for Braiden to respond . " Lord Noble Daryn had sent out the entire Order of Tamirra to hunt down brigands on the road to Desson . Bit of bad luck that . " Braiden shook his head dejectedly . " Had he not the Order would have had no problem with Thoma . " Avlov looked worried . " Well , do you think they will come for us here ? We mean no one harm , we just wish to be left in peace to farm our land . " " There were dead bodies in the streets . " Braiden regarded him gravely . " My brother and I were chased through the streets , I don 't know what would have happened if they had caught us . But they were calling us the faithless , and I can honestly say that I don 't think their intentions were anywhere near good . " He emptied his mug down his throat , setting it back on the table . " I would get out while you still can , I think this Thoma means to set up his own little empire in the middle of Iri Kadai . " Avlov did not say anything after Braiden had finished talking , he just sat clearly weighing his options , and his wife sat next to him , waiting to weigh the options he provided to her . " Well , I think it 's best we move out then . " He looked at his wife with what appeared to be frustration . She smiled back at him , trying to comfort him . " We don 't have a choice really Avlov , we could go to Trebidona , I 'm sure your brother would be more than willing to give us a piece of his land he has more than enough . " Avlov simply shrugged his shoulders and nodded . " I suppose it would be best to travel to Desson , and then charter the next ship to Trebidona . " His patted him on the shoulder , clearly agreeing with his decision . " I just hate to leave everything behind that I 've built , but I 'd hate to see someone destroy it even more . Your right Johanna , begin packing our necessities , and tell Constance to get her things together . I 'm going down the older road to tell Yora , and Menni the news too if they haven 't heard . " Johanna sighed " Be careful Avlov , I don 't need to be losing you too . " Avlov chuckled . " Don 't worry woman , I 'll be back to you before you know it . " A note of seriousness entered his voice after a moment . " If I am not back by dawn , I want you and Constance to be on the road to Desson . I will catch up with you there if I am not back . " She gave him a worried look and headed down a hallway . He turned to face Grevail and Braiden . " Now if you boys will come with me I 'll set you up in the barn . " They entered the barn with Avlov and saw by the lantern he had brought with him that it wasn 't very full , a few cattle , a few chickens in a henhouse , and five horses . Grevail didn 't really like sleeping with animals , but again it was far better than sleeping outside with real animals . " The hay loft should have plenty of hay in it . " " Thank you again for the food and the place to sleep Avlov . " Grevail said genuinely as Braiden headed to the ladder that went up into the loft . " No problem boys . But I need you to do me a favor . " His face had the look of a man who was about to do something he didn 't want to . " If I am not back by morning I want you two to help Johanna hook up that wagon over there , and accompany them . " He pointed to a wagon tucked into a slot to the left of the initial entrance . " I just fear that if something were to happen to me they would never be able to reach my brother . I 'm sure I 'll be fine , but with these people running around converting and killing . Who can say ? " Avlov nodded . " Thank you boys . For your trouble I will give you two of these horses . They are not the best , but they will get you to Desson a lot faster and maybe give you some money when you get there . " Grevail and Braiden were both shocked . Horses were expensive ! It looked as if Braiden wanted to object and so did Grevail , but surprisingly neither of them did . " Good , now get some rest , it 's time I was off . " He walked back to the front wall of the barn and grabbed one of the many saddles that hung there . He then opened a stall door and began saddling a big brown bay as Grevail and Braiden climbed up into the loft . They just laid there until Avlov had left . Then Braiden spoke up . " I can 't believe he offered us his horses ! " " I know I felt the same . " His brother admitted and there was a rustling of hay as he sat up to look at Grevail . " I almost feel bad for telling him , now he has to leave all he knows , pull his family up and plant them somewhere else . " He sounded as if he was about to weep . " I will pay that Thoma back Grevail . Even if it takes me to Darina I will see him dead , if it wasn 't for him father would still be alive . " " And one day we will get our revenge on Thoma , Braiden , but It can 't be now , I don 't think our father would want us to have revenge if it meant losing our lives . " Grevail , felt his own resolve harden . One day Thoma Crista would die , and Grevail hoped he and his brother were the ones to do it . " Your right Grevail , I guess we better get some sleep . Tomorrow we will be one step closer to Adellus . I 'm sure he could really help us . " Grevail awoke to voices in the barn . Opening his eyes he realized dawn was right around the corner , the night sky starting to lighten from black to grey . He rolled over looking for Braiden , and found him missing , looking around he saw him peeking over the edge of the loft . Yawning and sitting up he was about to ask where Avlov was when his brother turned around . A finger straight against his lips . He pointed to the rafters below them . Grevail crawled over to his brother as quietly as he could and was able to hear two men below them as they talked . " A few horses … " As Grevail peeked over the edge with his brother he saw a normal looking man with brown hair gesture at the horses as he talked with a very tall blonde haired man . " Could be worth a few gold . " The blonde man took a step towards the horses , but the smaller man stopped him . " We can 't take them now though , we have to tell Thoma , come back with more men to round up the family and their stuff . We can 't let them get away . " He spit on the ground and grunted . " Thoma says he needs more followers , and we are to take them by force if we have too . " The tall blonde man only nodded , and they both headed for the door . Grevail and Braiden hid in the hay as they neared the door . After they had gone Grevail sat up on his knees . " We have to get Johanna out of here . I 'll go wake them up , you get the horses ready . " Braiden nodded . Grevail was already scaling down the ladder . " I will , just hurry . " He hoped that Avlov was back , he would hate for him to have been caught by this * * * * Thoma ! Grevail quietly crossed the barn his footsteps softened by the hay . He reached the door and peered out through a crack in it 's planks . He couldn 't see anybody , but that didn 't mean they were just hiding in the woods , or that they wouldn 't be back in minutes . There could be a hundred of them just down the road ! He snuck out the door and made it to the back of the house , listening to see if anyone had seen him . He went to the left side of the house , away from the direction the heretics had taken . " Grevail … " At first he didn 't even think he had heard his name called . But a second call convinced him . He traced the sound to it 's source and saw Avlov 's face peering out through the tree 's . Grevail waved him over , and he soundlessly made his way to him . " I just came back and I saw those two men wandering around the outside of the house . I decided to wait and see if they 'd leave without going in the house , but when they went in the barn I thought they had found you for sure ! " He whispered quietly but the concern on his face made his words all the more potent . " They didn 't see us , but we heard them say they needed more people to take you and your family and all your possessions . " Avlov looked angry and frightened at the same time . " Braiden is in the barn now getting the horses ready for the wagon , hopefully Johanna has already gotten everything you 'll need . " " Right , you and your brother pull that wagon around front , and we 'll start loading it up . Maybe one of you should go down the road and keep a watch in case they come back . " He was already headed for the front of his house before his last sentence ended . Grevail immediately turned around and ran back to the barn , where he found Braiden with the horses all ready to be hitched . " Help me hitch these two , I chose the two silver bays for me and you . " Braiden 's smile wasn 't true , but the attempt was uplifting . " Avlov 's back , lets get this wagon around front so they can begin loading it up . Then you and I will ride down the road some , and keep an eye out while they get their things . " Braiden nodded , he jumped into the driver 's seat . " I almost feel like burning this place down Braiden , leave nothing for that loony Thoma . " " Good thinking Grevail , finally starting to use that lump you call a brain eh ? " Braiden laughed , feeling jovial despite their situation . Truth is Grevail felt good too , as morning light began to pour into the barn , he couldn 't help but feel the excitement of adventure creeping up on him . They were really leaving . The sorrow for the death of his father hadn 't lasted long , he cried last night , but he doubted he would again . Braiden flicked the reigns gently and the wagon glided out of the barn on it 's creaking wheels . Grevail turned around and mounted his silver bay , which Braiden had already saddled . It had been a bit of time since he had last ridden a horse , maybe a couple years . Though he was going to have to get used to it quickly with all the riding he and his brother had ahead of them . He grabbed his brothers silver bay and led him outside , and handed the reigns to his brother who had jumped down off the wagons seat . Avlov and his wife were tossing things in the wagon , then hurrying inside to get more . Along with them was their young daughter Constance . She was so pretty that Grevail stopped to stare for a moment . She had blonde hair like her mothers , and the blue They stood there , Grevail idly scratching behind his horses ears . Braiden humming some odd sounding drinking tune . They waited for what seemed an hour , and the sky clouded over from the crisp bright spring morning as if to rain , but nothing ever came of it . " Well , I think they should have most of their things loaded by now . " Braiden said , leading his horse back into the woods on the left of the road . Grevail grunted in agreement and began leading his horse after Braiden . As they began climbing the steep hill towards the farmhouse , voices reached them through the tree 's . Angry voices . Braiden breathed . " They must have come back through the forest , why didn 't we think of that ! Leave the horses here , lets have a look . " His anger was evident , and Grevail could feel himself becoming quite angry too . These lunatics wouldn 't leave anybody alone . They both climbed the hill on their hands and knee 's taking care to make as little noise as possible . When they reached the top , they saw seven men in front of the farmhouse , facing them was a lone Avlov , Johanna was in the wagon seat , and there was no sign of Constance . Most of the men wore leather jerkins and lesser fabrics of average townspeople . However one or two had the rags of the homeless and the poor . " Best you stand down old man . " The tall blonde man from the barn was saying to Avlov in an arrogant way . " We have orders not to kill anyone . " A few of them grunted out some words of difference about that , but Avlov stood tall . " We can 't let you do that , either you come with us or we will kill you , take your woman and your property . " The tall man gestured to the shorter brown haired man also from the barn . " Hanival , take the things from their wagon . " Hanival strode to the wagon lifting out the wooden back , and began rummaging through the family 's possessions . Before Grevail could even think , his brother burst from the tree 's beside him with a yell and threw a fist sized rock into the air . All of the men turned to face them , but the tall blonde man was a little slower than the rest , and it would prove to be his last mistake . The rock collided with his temple sending him to the ground in a heap of skinny limbs . A second later Avlov 's dagger appeared in the neck of a ratty looking man with rags on who was just to the left of the blonde man , he fell to his knees choking on his own blood . Braiden kept running after he threw his charge and he jumped onto Hanival 's back as the man drew his sword and faced Avlov . The two danced about as Hanival tried to get the choke hold Braiden had on him out . Utter surprise had gripped the other four men . One turned and ran towards the woods from where they had came . The other three , a big bald headed man , with a belly as big as Grevail stepped toward Avlov , who had pulled his short sword out . An arrow shot out of nowhere to take one of his counterparts to the ground , an arrow jutting out from his belly , he groaned in pain , but another arrow soon landed by the first , and Johanna , standing atop the wagon was knocking another arrow . Grevail , picked up a piece of wood that lay next to him about as long and as thick as his arm , and rushed into the fray . Hanival threw Braiden off of his back and swung at him with his sword , Braiden rolled and the strike sliced his arm above his elbow , and stuck into the ground . Braiden cried out in pain , and as Hanival tried to pull his sword away for another blow , Grevail 's own strike took him across the jaw , and he too crumpled to the ground . " Leave him . " Avlov said with disgust . " I don 't like to , but I 've had enough killing for the day . " Just then Constance rose out of the wagon seat by her mother where she had apparently been hiding . " We can bandage that on the way . " Avlov was already climbing up onto the wagon seat . " We must leave before that one that ran gets to town . Or before this scourge wakes up . " He looked down at Hanival with pure disdain . " Get into the wagon Braiden , I 'll go get the horses . " He didn 't object and hopped up into the wagon . His wound didn 't appear to be all that bad though . Avlov flicked the reigns and the wagon trundled off down the path to the main road . Grevail looked at the men on the ground . He hoped he hadn 't killed Hanival , even though he was not a very good man . Grevail didn 't want to kill . He saw a rather fine dagger sticking out from under the mans body . It had a blue handle like blue marble , and the base of the blade had an eagle embossed into it . He took the dagger , and the sheath , on his belt . On second thought he also took his sword , which was plain but of good make he supposed . No chips , and the scabbard for that as well . He also took the fat balding mans sword , looking into those dead eyes chilled him as he stripped it from him . He also took another dagger that was just lying on the ground , and Avlov 's dagger , laying next to the man it had killed . He must have pulled it out right before he died . Avlov must have been in such a hurry he forgot it . Not to say he blamed the man . He figured his brother and he would need these weapons if this is what traveling was like . As he walked away from the farmhouse down the hill he heard Hanival start to grunt but ignored it . He threw Hanival 's dagger in his saddle bags , the sword he tucked under them as he didn 't have a belt for the sheath 's yet . Maybe Avlov had one . He did the same with his brothers weapons on his horse . Then he mounted his horse , took his brothers horses reigns and headed down to the road to catch up with them . At that moment Grevail realized he had seen many people die in the last two days . He didn 't like it . All he could do was try and stay alive though . And get to Desson , and Adellus . Thoma propped his feet up on the Lord Nobles Desk . He had ordered several women to sew him a robe of the finest wool that could be found which he wore now . It was blue , with the symbol of Solin in black emblazoned on both shoulders , it was very comfortable and professional looking , just what Thoma liked . He had ordered another be made of the same scheme , and two more with opposite colors . After all , he liked a color change every now and then . The office was small , but richly decorated . Various paintings with vibrant colors and ornate frames hung about the room . Thoma didn 't much care for them though , he would have to order that they be taken down and destroyed . " … not much gold . " Barim was saying in front of him , the black haired boy of a man had become an apprentice of sorts to Thoma . His grammar was far from the best , but it had certainly improved as of late . " It seems some citizens managed to break into the bank and steal what they could before they left . " He coughed , judging Thoma 's attitude toward the subject . When it became clear Thoma had little to say he continued . " We have taken another two hundred mira from the bank , and maybe another hundred from houses . " He had some papers in his hand but hadn 't looked at them much . " Good Din Barim . What is the status of the outlying areas ? " Thoma took a drink from his goblet of fine wine Barim had found in the cellars . A little sour , but better than Thoma had been accustomed too . " Well , most people had already heard the news and fled . Some people were not so lucky though , around five hundred have been brought in . They have been put under watch doing various duties . " Barim brushed his hair out of his face again . Thoma hated that , he would have to order that he cut it . " Some have been put to work on your orders regarding the improvement of the fortifications . Others have been sent to the quarry a mile from town to collect stone for the fortifications . And that is where a large contingent of our soldiers are being used up guarding them . Most are farmers , so a majority are building the walled farming complex you ordered . " Barim slowed to a stop , not an emotion displayed on his pierced face . " Good . " He was going to need more crops since he had basically destroyed the towns food intake by raiding the surrounding farms . The walled complex he had ordered to the east of the town would take months to build , but when it was done he could use much less manpower to guard the medians and faithless . " How many followers do we have as of now Din Barim ? " His voice carried the tone of boredom but Thoma didn 't care . Thoma nodded silently , stroking his beard . He should have put people at the gates before his plan moved into action . That would have stopped most if not all of the people from escaping . No matter now though , he had what could be had . " Weapons production ? " He asked the question quickly , reaching down into the desk drawer he pulled out an apple . The desk itself was also beautifully inscribed with scroll work , swords , shields , plows , all the things Thoma supposed a manager of a town would think about in his daily business . It wasn 't too worked over , and he had already decided it could stay . Barim looked at the apple in his hand , then back to his face . " Only two smiths remained in town . One was captured hiding in his house yesterday , and the other , as I 'm sure you know , is our beloved Aramis . They are both churning out weapons , but the stock is small at best , though given a month or two , we could likely double it . " Barim shifted his feet . Aramis was a touchy subject . After they had taken the town the insufferable man had demanded a place of authority . Even asserting , however subtly , that it should be higher than Thoma himself . For now the smith had refrained from violence . Thoma was far from a coward , but he knew Aramis 's connections with less than reputable people , and didn 't want to end his crusade before it really ever gained momentum . So he had let Aramis make his outrageous demands for the time being . If his brazen disregard for Thoma 's leadership continued however action would have to be taken . " Speed up production as much as possible Din Barim . It won 't be long till word reaches Ivon Tevouine . " A hammer of a man , although kind in his own way . Not at all a harsh ruler . Iri ' Kadai had definitely seen harsher Roussans . Thoma had even seen him once throughout his travels . Some parade in Iri ' Kadai , for some barbaric holiday of these people . Brute and bearish he seemed . Thoma had no doubt that a sharp wit lurked behind that rough face though . " Yes savior Thoma , it will be as you wish . May Solin find us . " Thoma diffidently waved a hand at him as he bowed and backed out of the room . May Solin find us . It had become a prayer of sorts among the more established of his believers . For the people recently captured , or those who just didn 't want to believe the obvious , Thoma had ordered mandatory attendance to readings of the revised book of Adus every day . If somebody were caught using defamatory language about Solin , they were punished . Usually a public whipping , thankfully Thoma hadn 't been forced to kill anyone yet . He needed as many people as possible . It had been a week since he took the town , and he just yesterday finished the book himself . He had been amazed at Train 's clairvoyance . The book read that somewhere in this palace was a portal to Solin 's world , where he had been trapped . It offered no description of where this portal was or what it looked like . An ancient language was to be inscribed on the front as reading , " Open only under permission of the Gods . " That was impossible though . Thoma already knew the current gods were worthless and fake . Solin was true . He had his Din search the palace from rafters to floorboards and had so far come up empty . The book also spoke of a pendant , that would be needed to open the door . And someone in town with the title of Preserver , should have it . However after searching records and questioning townspeople there was no mention of this Preserver anywhere . And nobody had ever heard anything of a portal to anywhere in their town . It was the first wall he had hit so far and it proved to be a large one . He sighed , and removed his feet from the desk . He took his simple silver wine goblet and stepped over to the window taking a drink . Against all odds the town had become quite a thriving community . Sure some of the medians still protested , but that would pass with time . Medians were the name his Din had given the people they considered no longer faithless , but were on the verge of converting . Seeing tSolin 's mercy , what did the man want now . " Very well , send him in . " Thoma turned on his heel and plopped down in his chair once more to hear whatever news Barim had . The slim pierced black haired young man strode in through the door obviously upset at being barred from Thoma by the guards . " We have found record of the Preserver Savior ! " He clutched a book to his chest that didn 't appear to have any words or titles on it 's simple black surface . Thoma took the book with just an itch of annoyance at the young man , but he was too excited to say anything . He opened the book where the bookmark had been placed and began reading . " Lords and Titles , in the year of blah blah … . " He read on , his eyes hungry for the information he sought . " Ahh here we go , the title of Preserver , shall hereby be given to the family Brinkloviar , shall they respect and fulfill their duties throughout their generations , and the customs of the position be passed on from father to son . " That was it . Thoma slammed the book on the table . That didn 't tell him anything , all it told him was that he had more searching to do than he had originally thought . He looked up at Barim to find his mouth wide open , and moving slightly . " I know a Brinkloviar ! He was my boss , when I was a stable boy ! I can 't believe it . " His mouth seemed to work fine now , but his eyes were round as could be . " Well do you know where he lived , and what he looks like ? " Barim nodded almost as soon as the question left Thoma 's mouth . " Good , gather up as many Din as you need and search for him , and search his house as well . Question everybody about him and his whereabouts , and I mean everybody . We need to glean as much information from this as we can . " Barim nodded , bowed and backed out of the door once more . Thoma stood in the room for a moment longer , stroking his beard and looking at the book . Brinkloviar . He needed to find the man , if he couldn 't find this pendant , all was lost . It would have been nice had Trian told him of it beforehand . He was beginning to realize that there was a great amount of helpful information that Trian had not been privy to provide . Thoma exited the office , the guards outside greeted him by slapping their hands to their chests , over the symbol of Solin . He acknowledged them with a nod . They immediately returned to a attentive position , hands on sword hilts . Two guards that stood parallel to them across the hallway immediately flanked him on either side . Ever since Aramis had become unruly he felt better about having these men with him . " I think I will make some rounds today , I want to see the how the fortifications are coming along . " Thoma cinched the black belt around himself tighter so his robes wouldn 't billow as much in a breeze . The belt loops were situated too low however . He would have to tell the women to make adjustments . " Yes , Savior . " The guards saluted him in their fashion , which he ignored as he headed down the hallway to the stairs . The palace was only a two story building , being short as palace 's go . Although Thoma had to admit it was very lavish for a smaller town . The stairs were wide with wooden steps and it flared out at the bottom , the carved rails curving back in on themselves at the bottom . There was a west , and an east wing that contained rooms for servants and guests . Thoma had been staying in this Lord of Nobles apartments . All the personal items of non - importance that he had found he burned . The small clerk - receptionist desk that was immediately to his left was empty , obviously this Daryn had managed to warn the staff before Thoma arrived . He exited down the hallway through the wide wooden double doors . They were wide enough that four men could fit through abreast , and tall enough that a man riding a horse could pass comfortably . The brass handle felt cold under his grasp as he pushed it open . It was maybe an hour past noon , and the sun felt hot on his head even though the day was not overly warm . The large courtyard was maybe three hundred feet lengthwise , and surely one hundred width . The militia barracks , a square short , but large building , with no windows was directly across the space from him . The stables , which sat to the right of the barracks had few horses in them . Thoma preferred his old friend Mordelai anyway . He turned to the guard on his right , they had not been issued helmets yet and his dark brown hair glinted in the sun , his dark brown eyes seemed ready to obey . " Saddle my horse . And be quick about it , I want to be on my way . " His face showed no emotion as he slapped a fist to his chest , and ran off toward the stable as Thoma walked slowly with his other guardian toward the front gates around the building to his right . The Palace grounds did have a wall around them , but it wasn 't much of one , maybe six feet . The guard trotted up with Mordelai in tow in a respectable time . As Thoma mounted , he reminded himself to save some mira for the buying and breeding of horses . His guards had to protect him , and keep up , and that was hard to do if they didn 't have horses . A matter for another time however . He rode out through the Palace gate , and towards the eastern gate of town . As he road some people bowed , some even fell to their knees with heads down . Some cheered " Savior Thoma ! " and " Solin be praised ! " But an equal amount bowed or saluted only because they had too . Their eyes were downcast , and some were filled with hatred . Thoma had an urge to reprimand them immediately , to make them respect him or make them die . He couldn 't now though he knew , his forces were spread too thin as it was . The last thing he could afford was a rebellion on his hands , so he merely waved and smiled . As they came to the eastern gate , people were carrying stone from carts pulled by the few oxen they had manage to capture to the wall . There , people who had been masons , or had some stonework experience in their previous lives cemented them to the wall . It was regular river rock , rounded and grey . Thoma regretted that , he would rather have finer stone of color . After all he had an image to present , it would make people more willing to join the cause . See the truth A foreman of the operation jumped down from one rock cart to walk over to Thoma . He was a middle aged man with red hair and green eyes . Although the amount of freckles he had on his face and arms made him seem older . " Working as hard as you are is service enough . " He smiled back , and genuinely . It was nice to have proper respect . " How goes the operation … may I inquire your name ? " It was more of a demand than a question . " It goes well Savior . " Roland scrubbed a hand through his fuzzy red hair . " It will take some amount of time to widen the wall as you describe Thoma and add crenellation . With more workers of course the time could be lessened . But I would assume it will be three months at the most , and maybe even less . " He fidgeted a moment , his feet scrubbing at the dirt of the street . " Good , Din Roland . " He reached into his pocket and tossed the man a leather bag with ten mira inside . " Keep up the work Roland , and their will be more . " He nodded at the man 's grateful smile , spurring his horse to a slow canter he headed out the gates . The farm complex or what was beginning to look like one soon filled his vision . It was immediately outside the walls , and the ankle high wall had just begun around it . The complex was six hundred feet , by six hundred . Since it was so large , he knew that it would take a considerable amount of time to build the wall , so he had ordered that the wall was of the lowest priority . If you couldn 't feed your people , why defend them ? Some small wooden buildings separated in a checkerboard fashion by small paths made up what had to be the henhouses . Wooden fence poles were laying all about , and some had even begun to be built to make cow pens and pig pens . He had figured that in the day they would be let out to graze , and then brought back inside at night for protection . All seemed to be going good from what he could see , another cart was trundling through a gap in the wall , which could only be a future gate with more wood for fence posts . A group of young boys and women sat beneath the shade of two tree 's cutting off branches , and nubs from the posts . Those tree 's would have to be cut down eventually , but the shade they provided had value for the time being . He stood around and waited to see if the overseer of this project would come around , but he didn 't . Gaben he thought his name was . Gaben … Gaben something . Thoma wheeled his horse and headed back to the palace , his guards following silently behind him . The crack of stone , and the bellows of oxen soon again filled his ears passing the mason 's . Roland stopped to put a fist to his chest before turning back to his work . " You may speak of it now Din Barim . I have no qualms about talking in public . We are surrounded by those who appreciate Solin Barim . " He said it loudly enough so other people passing could hear , but not so loudly as to be obvious . Barim appeared as if he doubted the " appreciate Solin " part , but continued anyway . " We went to the man 's house we spoke of , and found him dead on the floor . " Thoma winced at that , he had wanted to find him alive . " It is said he has three sons , the oldest is a merchant ship owner . The younger two lived with him and both of these men have had an encounter with them . " Barim waved at the nearest man , the bald one , and cued him to speak . " What is your name faithful Din ? " The wispy haired beady brown eyed man didn 't take more than a second to answer . " Norum … uh … Savior . " " And how did you come upon these two young men Din Norum . And where are they now ? " Thoma said . The anticipation was evident in his voice , and he was anxious to find out . " Well , you see … me and a friend were … checking houses … for people to capture for you Savior , and that 's when we wandered into the house of the Brinkloviar fellow . I stuck my head inside sir , and what d ' ya know ? I saw two kids and a dead man , so 's I turned to my friend Baldor and I said … " " No sir , after that they ran … sir , so 's I don 't know where they might have lit off too . " Thoma frowned , at least he had someone who knew their faces . Although it was apparent that his friend and he were not looking for people to convert . " And you ? What is your name ? " Thoma looked to the other man , not short , not tall , he was handsome and had a grace with the way he held himself . His brown eyes , and brown hair were common , but something else about him made him distinguishable in a crowd . " I am named Hanival Corin , Savior . " He bowed , making it a bit of a garish performance , but a flattery non - the - less . " I came in contact with the two boys … " He said boys in a heated tone , and Thoma liked it . " five days ago . We went out into the country side as you ordered sir , when we came upon a farmhouse . We found the owner and his wife throwing their belongings into a cart , and were about ready to depart when we arrived . We had the situation all in hand when two mere boys jumped from the wood . One of them hit my friend Landen in the head with a rock and killed him . That gave the man and his wife enough time to produce weapons , they killed all but two of us . One of our number ran , and I have yet to see him again , although I have inquired . " His voice said he would very much like to see that man again . " And I was knocked unconscious by someone . " It was evident he really didn 't know who had rattled his brains . Yet clearly , he would like to find out . " I awoke soon after the had vacated . They left on the road to Desson , but whether or not they are still in a group , or still on that road is impossible for me to say . " He even ended his informative report with a salute . Barim looked over at the man jealously . " Yes … very good Din Hanival . " Thoma liked the man , obviously had a head on his shoulders , and showed proper respect . " Hanival , I want you to take … Din Norum , and his friend that he spoke of , and head down the road to Desson and see if you can find them . They should have a pendant of Solin 's symbol somewhere about their person . I want you to bring it back to me . There will be a very large reward for the three of you . And I mean very large . " He had no doubt that by the time they returned he would have funds well enough to give them . Thoma slapped at a fly that landed on his neck and went on . " I would give you more men , but they are needed here . And don 't worry about killing them if you have too . They are of no consequence , just remember the pendant Hanival . You may set out immediately , take whatever weapons and food you may need , along with horses . I will send word to everyone so they give you what you need without any trouble . " He nodded down at them from Mordelai , who for a moment danced as if feeling Thoma 's excitement . For a while he had even forgot he was on a horse . " It will be as you and Solin wish Savior . " He saluted , bowed , then dragged Norum after him , already set on the task ahead . Thoma knew he would have to remember that one . He could see that young man achieving great things . Turning to Barim , he spoke in with a determined air . " Get people to work on finding that portal Barim . Search yourself if you have too . " He prodded his horse into a slow canter . " Oh quit pouting Barim , I have important things for you to see too as well … "

the alley . " Hey Bandor look what we have over … " Whatever he had been about to say cut off with a thud , as a stone dining bowl hit him in the temple . He crumpled to the ground , the knife he had in his hand clattered onto the wood floor . " Grevail ! " Braiden was behind him , already holding another bowl over his head . " Come on out the front ! " Grevail scrambled up , and ran over to him , looking back at the man still down in the doorway , only his legs inside the house . " Norum ! You idiot ! You have to open doors before you go through … " Whatever else he said was lost as Braiden pulled him through the house to the front door and shoved him out . " That was close , I thought I had heard someone . " Braiden looked flushed , his blonde hair swung about as he looked down the street . " Now we have to get out … " Suddenly a few talking voices could be heard , seconds after a band of men and women came around the corner . They were all in blue tunics with an odd black symbol on their chests , but between the dust from the street and Braiden pulling him the other way , he couldn 't tell what it was . " Faithless ! " Somebody behind them cried , he could hear people start running behind him , and he ran faster , keeping stride with his brother . They took their next left , and Braiden jumped over a chair in his path , as Grevail stumbled and almost fell . When he looked back up he saw the two thieves standing in the street . The skinny man who 's back was to them , Norum , facing the big man apparently nursing his head wound . Luckily they didn 't see them right away , as they were deep in conversation . " Keep running ! " Braiden shouted , as he ran right toward them and jumped into the air . The big man looked over the skinny mans shoulder right then , pure astonishment and surprise marred his face , his eyes widened and he managed to get out a hoarse shout before Braiden crashed into the skinny mans back , knocking him into the big man . Braiden rolled off the pile of thieves and flowed back into a run . As if on cue the mob that had been chasing them came around the corner , all shouting and screaming about the faithless . They slowed when they saw they had two quarry 's now instead of one . The big man pushed the smaller man off of him , stood up , and immediately began running towards the nearest alley , and his partner wasn 't far behind . The mob looked torn between the two groups , but they went with the closest and ran down the alley after them . It looked as if one or two would continue after them , but they decided against it , running after their fellow mob - members . They kept running , they ran through streets empty of life . Once he thought he saw somebody slinking from building to building down an alley and Taurana popped into his head . He hoped she was okay , but there wasn 't much he could do about it now anyway . They crossed the larger streets in much the same manner as Grevail had earlier , waiting a few minutes before bolting across . Once a group of people ran down the street in front of them as they hid in an alley . They didn 't have the tunics on , but Grevail didn 't want to hail them down to find out who 's side they were on . Soon they came to the western edge of town , luckily no one was waiting at the gate for people . They ran through the gate and towards the woods outside of town . The stretch before the woods was probably the most harrowing . He noticed Braiden kept looking back at the gates , hoping no one would see them and follow . Once they reached the woods , Grevail crashed into the nice soft wet grass in the shade under an oak . He turned over sweating and breathing heavily . A long silence stretched b " Taurana said that 's where she would head . I hope she is okay . " Grevail sat up , brushing dirt and vegetation off of himself . " I 'm sure she will be fine brother , she is a smart girl . " Braiden stood then , light from the sinking sun illuminating his hair , making him look quite heroic . " We had best start traveling , I don 't think it 's wise to build a fire in these woods tonight , or even stay around the town . Who knows how far those lunatics will venture out . " He waited a moment for Grevail to rise to his feet , and then headed off into the woods . " We should travel in the woods along the road till we are well past Tamirra , just to be safe . " Grevail only nodded . With all that had happened in the short amount of time since his arrival in town , he was tired . He would have liked nothing more than just to sit down and sleep , but he knew Braiden was right . Tamirra was no longer home , and he didn 't feel like being anywhere near it . They traveled through the forest well into night . Moving quietly among the tree 's . Once a group of people appeared on the road with torches , heading towards Tamirra , they were talking softly among themselves . However since they were unable to tell exactly who they were , they simply laid flat in the underbrush until the group had gone by . After that they saw no one , and they talked little . That is until the lights of a farmhouse appeared through the tree 's in a small clearing . Grevail knew they had long since left the town behind and proposed a question to his brother . " Maybe we should ask if we could sleep in their barn tonight Braiden . " He asked his brother as they crouched in the brush just beyond the light of the windows , the small house emitted . " Okay … I wouldn 't imagine that those heretics would find this place yet . I almost feel like we should warn them anyway . " Grevail nodded silently , he felt much the same way . At least they could help somebody be aware before a mob fell upon them . Braiden slowly snuck out of the bushes , and Grevail followed . The house was a squat one story building , and Grevail could see that they had added on to it over the years , but not by much . Much of the original house was made of old wood , and looked to have been painted red at one point , but it was hard to tell in the dark . The newer additions of the house had wood that was still bright and fresh , and yet to be painted . A large barn stood directly in back of the house towards the end of the clearing and the sounds of animals could be heard . Braiden sauntered up to the door after it was clear that nobody was outside , which also gave support to the idea that these people had not heard of the happenings in Tamirra . Grevail deduced they didn 't know or they would have placed a watch , or already have fled . " We are looking for a place to stay for the night . " Braiden replied solemnly . " We could even pay you a bit of mirra if you have some extra food , and a place in your barn . " Grevail simply stood behind his brother , and looked as meek as possible . Hoping that the man would say yes . Grevail didn 't relish the thought of sleeping under a bush tonight . " We also have important news we would like to share with you about the town of Tamirra . " Braiden stood back then waiting for the older man to respond . He was still looking at them suspiciously , but Grevail could see that his guard had come down somewhat . Obviously he and his brother were far from rough looking , and couldn 't be mistaken for thieves or brigands . But who could be too safe ? " I noticed a lot of people on the roads today when I was walking my lands . I thought it a bit odd . " His suspiciousness vanished altogether as he turned from the door . " Johanna ! Heat up two bowls of that stew , and get something to drink , we have guests ! " Soon after they were comfortably seated in the man 's house , who after a bit of chatting told him his name was Avlov . He lived here with his daughter Constance , and his wife Johanna , he was a farmer mostly , but had a few chickens and cows so he could sell milk and eggs at the market in Tamirra . The house was as small as it looked from the outside , a kitchen with a large dinner table took up most of the room inside the main cavity . A couple small chairs were set up around a coffee table near the door . On the walls he didn 't have paintings but old farmer 's tools , a hoe , some shears , that gave the little room a nice cozy , rustic feel . His wife had a great variety of different herbs growing in pots and hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen to dry . " Now what 's this business with Tamirra . " His blue eyes shifted across the both of them , though Braiden had been doing most of the talking . " Well … " Braiden began , taking a sip from the simple homemade country beer , in a pewter cup , that sat in front of him . And holding off a burp from the great beef and barley stew they had just consumed . Grevail busied himself by picking at a leftover chunk of bread . " The town has been taken over Avlov . " The shock on Avlov 's face was obvious , his wife he had just come from what Grevail supposed was their bedroom had also heard . " The town has been what … ? " She was not overly pretty but had a nice motherly face , she also had blue eyes , but blonde hair not like Avlov 's brown . She was a short woman , and her hands like Avlov 's showed the wear and tear of working on a farm for most of her life . " That 's impossible , how could this have happened ? " Avlov was getting quite nervous now his eyes going to slits , almost as if he suspected these two young men were playing a prank on him . " What about the Lord Nobles , surely the would never have let this happen . " " I have heard that some of the Lord Nobles are dead , which ones , or how many I cannot say . " Braiden put his glass down , and Grevail looked to him somewhat angrily . He wondered what else his brother had not told him . " Apparently there was a battle around the town square , and the Lord Noble 's lost . " " But to who ? " Johanna 's voice sounded as amazed as she looked . " Who could do such a thing ? " Her voice trembled slightly , as she took another sip of what Grevail assumed was wine . " Some fanatic religious priest . Thoma Crista was what his name is said to be " " Religion ! " Avlov said bewildered . " They took over the town because of religion ? I didn 't know there were other religions to even be believed in ! " Braiden nodded slowly , taking another long drink of beer before going on . " Apparently he has been preaching that he is going to bring an old god back or something of that nature . I never saw him , but I had heard talk of him in town for a couple days . " Johanna spoke up . " What about the Order of Orlead , surely they could not have defeated them ? " She looked at her husband as if to be reassured yet he just sat there waiting for Braiden to respond . " Lord Noble Daryn had sent out the entire Order of Tamirra to hunt down brigands on the road to Desson . Bit of bad luck that . " Braiden shook his head dejectedly . " Had he not the Order would have had no problem with Thoma . " Avlov looked worried . " Well , do you think they will come for us here ? We mean no one harm , we just wish to be left in peace to farm our land . " " There were dead bodies in the streets . " Braiden regarded him gravely . " My brother and I were chased through the streets , I don 't know what would have happened if they had caught us . But they were calling us the faithless , and I can honestly say that I don 't think their intentions were anywhere near good . " He emptied his mug down his throat , setting it back on the table . " I would get out while you still can , I think this Thoma means to set up his own little empire in the middle of Iri Kadai . " Avlov did not say anything after Braiden had finished talking , he just sat clearly weighing his options , and his wife sat next to him , waiting to weigh the options he provided to her . " Well , I think it 's best we move out then . " He looked at his wife with what appeared to be frustration . She smiled back at him , trying to comfort him . " We don 't have a choice really Avlov , we could go to Trebidona , I 'm sure your brother would be more than willing to give us a piece of his land he has more than enough . " Avlov simply shrugged his shoulders and nodded . " I suppose it would be best to travel to Desson , and then charter the next ship to Trebidona . " His patted him on the shoulder , clearly agreeing with his decision . " I just hate to leave everything behind that I 've built , but I 'd hate to see someone destroy it even more . Your right Johanna , begin packing our necessities , and tell Constance to get her things together . I 'm going down the older road to tell Yora , and Menni the news too if they haven 't heard . " Johanna sighed " Be careful Avlov , I don 't need to be losing you too . " Avlov chuckled . " Don 't worry woman , I 'll be back to you before you know it . " A note of seriousness entered his voice after a moment . " If I am not back by dawn , I want you and Constance to be on the road to Desson . I will catch up with you there if I am not back . " She gave him a worried look and headed down a hallway . He turned to face Grevail and Braiden . " Now if you boys will come with me I 'll set you up in the barn . " They entered the barn with Avlov and saw by the lantern he had brought with him that it wasn 't very full , a few cattle , a few chickens in a henhouse , and five horses . Grevail didn 't really like sleeping with animals , but again it was far better than sleeping outside with real animals . " The hay loft should have plenty of hay in it . " " Thank you again for the food and the place to sleep Avlov . " Grevail said genuinely as Braiden headed to the ladder that went up into the loft . " No problem boys . But I need you to do me a favor . " His face had the look of a man who was about to do something he didn 't want to . " If I am not back by morning I want you two to help Johanna hook up that wagon over there , and accompany them . " He pointed to a wagon tucked into a slot to the left of the initial entrance . " I just fear that if something were to happen to me they would never be able to reach my brother . I 'm sure I 'll be fine , but with these people running around converting and killing . Who can say ? " Avlov nodded . " Thank you boys . For your trouble I will give you two of these horses . They are not the best , but they will get you to Desson a lot faster and maybe give you some money when you get there . " Grevail and Braiden were both shocked . Horses were expensive ! It looked as if Braiden wanted to object and so did Grevail , but surprisingly neither of them did . " Good , now get some rest , it 's time I was off . " He walked back to the front wall of the barn and grabbed one of the many saddles that hung there . He then opened a stall door and began saddling a big brown bay as Grevail and Braiden climbed up into the loft . They just laid there until Avlov had left . Then Braiden spoke up . " I can 't believe he offered us his horses ! " " I know I felt the same . " His brother admitted and there was a rustling of hay as he sat up to look at Grevail . " I almost feel bad for telling him , now he has to leave all he knows , pull his family up and plant them somewhere else . " He sounded as if he was about to weep . " I will pay that Thoma back Grevail . Even if it takes me to Darina I will see him dead , if it wasn 't for him father would still be alive . " " And one day we will get our revenge on Thoma , Braiden , but It can 't be now , I don 't think our father would want us to have revenge if it meant losing our lives . " Grevail , felt his own resolve harden . One day Thoma Crista would die , and Grevail hoped he and his brother were the ones to do it . " Your right Grevail , I guess we better get some sleep . Tomorrow we will be one step closer to Adellus . I 'm sure he could really help us . " Grevail awoke to voices in the barn . Opening his eyes he realized dawn was right around the corner , the night sky starting to lighten from black to grey . He rolled over looking for Braiden , and found him missing , looking around he saw him peeking over the edge of the loft . Yawning and sitting up he was about to ask where Avlov was when his brother turned around . A finger straight against his lips . He pointed to the rafters below them . Grevail crawled over to his brother as quietly as he could and was able to hear two men below them as they talked . " A few horses … " As Grevail peeked over the edge with his brother he saw a normal looking man with brown hair gesture at the horses as he talked with a very tall blonde haired man . " Could be worth a few gold . " The blonde man took a step towards the horses , but the smaller man stopped him . " We can 't take them now though , we have to tell Thoma , come back with more men to round up the family and their stuff . We can 't let them get away . " He spit on the ground and grunted . " Thoma says he needs more followers , and we are to take them by force if we have too . " The tall blonde man only nodded , and they both headed for the door . Grevail and Braiden hid in the hay as they neared the door . After they had gone Grevail sat up on his knees . " We have to get Johanna out of here . I 'll go wake them up , you get the horses ready . " Braiden nodded . Grevail was already scaling down the ladder . " I will , just hurry . " He hoped that Avlov was back , he would hate for him to have been caught by this * * * * Thoma ! Grevail quietly crossed the barn his footsteps softened by the hay . He reached the door and peered out through a crack in it 's planks . He couldn 't see anybody , but that didn 't mean they were just hiding in the woods , or that they wouldn 't be back in minutes . There could be a hundred of them just down the road ! He snuck out the door and made it to the back of the house , listening to see if anyone had seen him . He went to the left side of the house , away from the direction the heretics had taken . " Grevail … " At first he didn 't even think he had heard his name called . But a second call convinced him . He traced the sound to it 's source and saw Avlov 's face peering out through the tree 's . Grevail waved him over , and he soundlessly made his way to him . " I just came back and I saw those two men wandering around the outside of the house . I decided to wait and see if they 'd leave without going in the house , but when they went in the barn I thought they had found you for sure ! " He whispered quietly but the concern on his face made his words all the more potent . " They didn 't see us , but we heard them say they needed more people to take you and your family and all your possessions . " Avlov looked angry and frightened at the same time . " Braiden is in the barn now getting the horses ready for the wagon , hopefully Johanna has already gotten everything you 'll need . " " Right , you and your brother pull that wagon around front , and we 'll start loading it up . Maybe one of you should go down the road and keep a watch in case they come back . " He was already headed for the front of his house before his last sentence ended . Grevail immediately turned around and ran back to the barn , where he found Braiden with the horses all ready to be hitched . " Help me hitch these two , I chose the two silver bays for me and you . " Braiden 's smile wasn 't true , but the attempt was uplifting . " Avlov 's back , lets get this wagon around front so they can begin loading it up . Then you and I will ride down the road some , and keep an eye out while they get their things . " Braiden nodded , he jumped into the driver 's seat . " I almost feel like burning this place down Braiden , leave nothing for that loony Thoma . " " Good thinking Grevail , finally starting to use that lump you call a brain eh ? " Braiden laughed , feeling jovial despite their situation . Truth is Grevail felt good too , as morning light began to pour into the barn , he couldn 't help but feel the excitement of adventure creeping up on him . They were really leaving . The sorrow for the death of his father hadn 't lasted long , he cried last night , but he doubted he would again . Braiden flicked the reigns gently and the wagon glided out of the barn on it 's creaking wheels . Grevail turned around and mounted his silver bay , which Braiden had already saddled . It had been a bit of time since he had last ridden a horse , maybe a couple years . Though he was going to have to get used to it quickly with all the riding he and his brother had ahead of them . He grabbed his brothers silver bay and led him outside , and handed the reigns to his brother who had jumped down off the wagons seat . Avlov and his wife were tossing things in the wagon , then hurrying inside to get more . Along with them was their young daughter Constance . She was so pretty that Grevail stopped to stare for a moment . She had blonde hair like her mothers , and the blue They stood there , Grevail idly scratching behind his horses ears . Braiden humming some odd sounding drinking tune . They waited for what seemed an hour , and the sky clouded over from the crisp bright spring morning as if to rain , but nothing ever came of it . " Well , I think they should have most of their things loaded by now . " Braiden said , leading his horse back into the woods on the left of the road . Grevail grunted in agreement and began leading his horse after Braiden . As they began climbing the steep hill towards the farmhouse , voices reached them through the tree 's . Angry voices . Braiden breathed . " They must have come back through the forest , why didn 't we think of that ! Leave the horses here , lets have a look . " His anger was evident , and Grevail could feel himself becoming quite angry too . These lunatics wouldn 't leave anybody alone . They both climbed the hill on their hands and knee 's taking care to make as little noise as possible . When they reached the top , they saw seven men in front of the farmhouse , facing them was a lone Avlov , Johanna was in the wagon seat , and there was no sign of Constance . Most of the men wore leather jerkins and lesser fabrics of average townspeople . However one or two had the rags of the homeless and the poor . " Best you stand down old man . " The tall blonde man from the barn was saying to Avlov in an arrogant way . " We have orders not to kill anyone . " A few of them grunted out some words of difference about that , but Avlov stood tall . " We can 't let you do that , either you come with us or we will kill you , take your woman and your property . " The tall man gestured to the shorter brown haired man also from the barn . " Hanival , take the things from their wagon . " Hanival strode to the wagon lifting out the wooden back , and began rummaging through the family 's possessions . Before Grevail could even think , his brother burst from the tree 's beside him with a yell and threw a fist sized rock into the air . All of the men turned to face them , but the tall blonde man was a little slower than the rest , and it would prove to be his last mistake . The rock collided with his temple sending him to the ground in a heap of skinny limbs . A second later Avlov 's dagger appeared in the neck of a ratty looking man with rags on who was just to the left of the blonde man , he fell to his knees choking on his own blood . Braiden kept running after he threw his charge and he jumped onto Hanival 's back as the man drew his sword and faced Avlov . The two danced about as Hanival tried to get the choke hold Braiden had on him out . Utter surprise had gripped the other four men . One turned and ran towards the woods from where they had came . The other three , a big bald headed man , with a belly as big as Grevail stepped toward Avlov , who had pulled his short sword out . An arrow shot out of nowhere to take one of his counterparts to the ground , an arrow jutting out from his belly , he groaned in pain , but another arrow soon landed by the first , and Johanna , standing atop the wagon was knocking another arrow . Grevail , picked up a piece of wood that lay next to him about as long and as thick as his arm , and rushed into the fray . Hanival threw Braiden off of his back and swung at him with his sword , Braiden rolled and the strike sliced his arm above his elbow , and stuck into the ground . Braiden cried out in pain , and as Hanival tried to pull his sword away for another blow , Grevail 's own strike took him across the jaw , and he too crumpled to the ground . " Leave him . " Avlov said with disgust . " I don 't like to , but I 've had enough killing for the day . " Just then Constance rose out of the wagon seat by her mother where she had apparently been hiding . " We can bandage that on the way . " Avlov was already climbing up onto the wagon seat . " We must leave before that one that ran gets to town . Or before this scourge wakes up . " He looked down at Hanival with pure disdain . " Get into the wagon Braiden , I 'll go get the horses . " He didn 't object and hopped up into the wagon . His wound didn 't appear to be all that bad though . Avlov flicked the reigns and the wagon trundled off down the path to the main road . Grevail looked at the men on the ground . He hoped he hadn 't killed Hanival , even though he was not a very good man . Grevail didn 't want to kill . He saw a rather fine dagger sticking out from under the mans body . It had a blue handle like blue marble , and the base of the blade had an eagle embossed into it . He took the dagger , and the sheath , on his belt . On second thought he also took his sword , which was plain but of good make he supposed . No chips , and the scabbard for that as well . He also took the fat balding mans sword , looking into those dead eyes chilled him as he stripped it from him . He also took another dagger that was just lying on the ground , and Avlov 's dagger , laying next to the man it had killed . He must have pulled it out right before he died . Avlov must have been in such a hurry he forgot it . Not to say he blamed the man . He figured his brother and he would need these weapons if this is what traveling was like . As he walked away from the farmhouse down the hill he heard Hanival start to grunt but ignored it . He threw Hanival 's dagger in his saddle bags , the sword he tucked under them as he didn 't have a belt for the sheath 's yet . Maybe Avlov had one . He did the same with his brothers weapons on his horse . Then he mounted his horse , took his brothers horses reigns and headed down to the road to catch up with them . At that moment Grevail realized he had seen many people die in the last two days . He didn 't like it . All he could do was try and stay alive though . And get to Desson , and Adellus . Thoma propped his feet up on the Lord Nobles Desk . He had ordered several women to sew him a robe of the finest wool that could be found which he wore now . It was blue , with the symbol of Solin in black emblazoned on both shoulders , it was very comfortable and professional looking , just what Thoma liked . He had ordered another be made of the same scheme , and two more with opposite colors . After all , he liked a color change every now and then . The office was small , but richly decorated . Various paintings with vibrant colors and ornate frames hung about the room . Thoma didn 't much care for them though , he would have to order that they be taken down and destroyed . " … not much gold . " Barim was saying in front of him , the black haired boy of a man had become an apprentice of sorts to Thoma . His grammar was far from the best , but it had certainly improved as of late . " It seems some citizens managed to break into the bank and steal what they could before they left . " He coughed , judging Thoma 's attitude toward the subject . When it became clear Thoma had little to say he continued . " We have taken another two hundred mira from the bank , and maybe another hundred from houses . " He had some papers in his hand but hadn 't looked at them much . " Good Din Barim . What is the status of the outlying areas ? " Thoma took a drink from his goblet of fine wine Barim had found in the cellars . A little sour , but better than Thoma had been accustomed too . " Well , most people had already heard the news and fled . Some people were not so lucky though , around five hundred have been brought in . They have been put under watch doing various duties . " Barim brushed his hair out of his face again . Thoma hated that , he would have to order that he cut it . " Some have been put to work on your orders regarding the improvement of the fortifications . Others have been sent to the quarry a mile from town to collect stone for the fortifications . And that is where a large contingent of our soldiers are being used up guarding them . Most are farmers , so a majority are building the walled farming complex you ordered . " Barim slowed to a stop , not an emotion displayed on his pierced face . " Good . " He was going to need more crops since he had basically destroyed the towns food intake by raiding the surrounding farms . The walled complex he had ordered to the east of the town would take months to build , but when it was done he could use much less manpower to guard the medians and faithless . " How many followers do we have as of now Din Barim ? " His voice carried the tone of boredom but Thoma didn 't care . Thoma nodded silently , stroking his beard . He should have put people at the gates before his plan moved into action . That would have stopped most if not all of the people from escaping . No matter now though , he had what could be had . " Weapons production ? " He asked the question quickly , reaching down into the desk drawer he pulled out an apple . The desk itself was also beautifully inscribed with scroll work , swords , shields , plows , all the things Thoma supposed a manager of a town would think about in his daily business . It wasn 't too worked over , and he had already decided it could stay . Barim looked at the apple in his hand , then back to his face . " Only two smiths remained in town . One was captured hiding in his house yesterday , and the other , as I 'm sure you know , is our beloved Aramis . They are both churning out weapons , but the stock is small at best , though given a month or two , we could likely double it . " Barim shifted his feet . Aramis was a touchy subject . After they had taken the town the insufferable man had demanded a place of authority . Even asserting , however subtly , that it should be higher than Thoma himself . For now the smith had refrained from violence . Thoma was far from a coward , but he knew Aramis 's connections with less than reputable people , and didn 't want to end his crusade before it really ever gained momentum . So he had let Aramis make his outrageous demands for the time being . If his brazen disregard for Thoma 's leadership continued however action would have to be taken . " Speed up production as much as possible Din Barim . It won 't be long till word reaches Ivon Tevouine . " A hammer of a man , although kind in his own way . Not at all a harsh ruler . Iri ' Kadai had definitely seen harsher Roussans . Thoma had even seen him once throughout his travels . Some parade in Iri ' Kadai , for some barbaric holiday of these people . Brute and bearish he seemed . Thoma had no doubt that a sharp wit lurked behind that rough face though . " Yes savior Thoma , it will be as you wish . May Solin find us . " Thoma diffidently waved a hand at him as he bowed and backed out of the room . May Solin find us . It had become a prayer of sorts among the more established of his believers . For the people recently captured , or those who just didn 't want to believe the obvious , Thoma had ordered mandatory attendance to readings of the revised book of Adus every day . If somebody were caught using defamatory language about Solin , they were punished . Usually a public whipping , thankfully Thoma hadn 't been forced to kill anyone yet . He needed as many people as possible . It had been a week since he took the town , and he just yesterday finished the book himself . He had been amazed at Train 's clairvoyance . The book read that somewhere in this palace was a portal to Solin 's world , where he had been trapped . It offered no description of where this portal was or what it looked like . An ancient language was to be inscribed on the front as reading , " Open only under permission of the Gods . " That was impossible though . Thoma already knew the current gods were worthless and fake . Solin was true . He had his Din search the palace from rafters to floorboards and had so far come up empty . The book also spoke of a pendant , that would be needed to open the door . And someone in town with the title of Preserver , should have it . However after searching records and questioning townspeople there was no mention of this Preserver anywhere . And nobody had ever heard anything of a portal to anywhere in their town . It was the first wall he had hit so far and it proved to be a large one . He sighed , and removed his feet from the desk . He took his simple silver wine goblet and stepped over to the window taking a drink . Against all odds the town had become quite a thriving community . Sure some of the medians still protested , but that would pass with time . Medians were the name his Din had given the people they considered no longer faithless , but were on the verge of converting . Seeing tSolin 's mercy , what did the man want now . " Very well , send him in . " Thoma turned on his heel and plopped down in his chair once more to hear whatever news Barim had . The slim pierced black haired young man strode in through the door obviously upset at being barred from Thoma by the guards . " We have found record of the Preserver Savior ! " He clutched a book to his chest that didn 't appear to have any words or titles on it 's simple black surface . Thoma took the book with just an itch of annoyance at the young man , but he was too excited to say anything . He opened the book where the bookmark had been placed and began reading . " Lords and Titles , in the year of blah blah … . " He read on , his eyes hungry for the information he sought . " Ahh here we go , the title of Preserver , shall hereby be given to the family Brinkloviar , shall they respect and fulfill their duties throughout their generations , and the customs of the position be passed on from father to son . " That was it . Thoma slammed the book on the table . That didn 't tell him anything , all it told him was that he had more searching to do than he had originally thought . He looked up at Barim to find his mouth wide open , and moving slightly . " I know a Brinkloviar ! He was my boss , when I was a stable boy ! I can 't believe it . " His mouth seemed to work fine now , but his eyes were round as could be . " Well do you know where he lived , and what he looks like ? " Barim nodded almost as soon as the question left Thoma 's mouth . " Good , gather up as many Din as you need and search for him , and search his house as well . Question everybody about him and his whereabouts , and I mean everybody . We need to glean as much information from this as we can . " Barim nodded , bowed and backed out of the door once more . Thoma stood in the room for a moment longer , stroking his beard and looking at the book . Brinkloviar . He needed to find the man , if he couldn 't find this pendant , all was lost . It would have been nice had Trian told him of it beforehand . He was beginning to realize that there was a great amount of helpful information that Trian had not been privy to provide . Thoma exited the office , the guards outside greeted him by slapping their hands to their chests , over the symbol of Solin . He acknowledged them with a nod . They immediately returned to a attentive position , hands on sword hilts . Two guards that stood parallel to them across the hallway immediately flanked him on either side . Ever since Aramis had become unruly he felt better about having these men with him . " I think I will make some rounds today , I want to see the how the fortifications are coming along . " Thoma cinched the black belt around himself tighter so his robes wouldn 't billow as much in a breeze . The belt loops were situated too low however . He would have to tell the women to make adjustments . " Yes , Savior . " The guards saluted him in their fashion , which he ignored as he headed down the hallway to the stairs . The palace was only a two story building , being short as palace 's go . Although Thoma had to admit it was very lavish for a smaller town . The stairs were wide with wooden steps and it flared out at the bottom , the carved rails curving back in on themselves at the bottom . There was a west , and an east wing that contained rooms for servants and guests . Thoma had been staying in this Lord of Nobles apartments . All the personal items of non - importance that he had found he burned . The small clerk - receptionist desk that was immediately to his left was empty , obviously this Daryn had managed to warn the staff before Thoma arrived . He exited down the hallway through the wide wooden double doors . They were wide enough that four men could fit through abreast , and tall enough that a man riding a horse could pass comfortably . The brass handle felt cold under his grasp as he pushed it open . It was maybe an hour past noon , and the sun felt hot on his head even though the day was not overly warm . The large courtyard was maybe three hundred feet lengthwise , and surely one hundred width . The militia barracks , a square short , but large building , with no windows was directly across the space from him . The stables , which sat to the right of the barracks had few horses in them . Thoma preferred his old friend Mordelai anyway . He turned to the guard on his right , they had not been issued helmets yet and his dark brown hair glinted in the sun , his dark brown eyes seemed ready to obey . " Saddle my horse . And be quick about it , I want to be on my way . " His face showed no emotion as he slapped a fist to his chest , and ran off toward the stable as Thoma walked slowly with his other guardian toward the front gates around the building to his right . The Palace grounds did have a wall around them , but it wasn 't much of one , maybe six feet . The guard trotted up with Mordelai in tow in a respectable time . As Thoma mounted , he reminded himself to save some mira for the buying and breeding of horses . His guards had to protect him , and keep up , and that was hard to do if they didn 't have horses . A matter for another time however . He rode out through the Palace gate , and towards the eastern gate of town . As he road some people bowed , some even fell to their knees with heads down . Some cheered " Savior Thoma ! " and " Solin be praised ! " But an equal amount bowed or saluted only because they had too . Their eyes were downcast , and some were filled with hatred . Thoma had an urge to reprimand them immediately , to make them respect him or make them die . He couldn 't now though he knew , his forces were spread too thin as it was . The last thing he could afford was a rebellion on his hands , so he merely waved and smiled . As they came to the eastern gate , people were carrying stone from carts pulled by the few oxen they had manage to capture to the wall . There , people who had been masons , or had some stonework experience in their previous lives cemented them to the wall . It was regular river rock , rounded and grey . Thoma regretted that , he would rather have finer stone of color . After all he had an image to present , it would make people more willing to join the cause . See the truth A foreman of the operation jumped down from one rock cart to walk over to Thoma . He was a middle aged man with red hair and green eyes . Although the amount of freckles he had on his face and arms made him seem older . " Working as hard as you are is service enough . " He smiled back , and genuinely . It was nice to have proper respect . " How goes the operation … may I inquire your name ? " It was more of a demand than a question . " It goes well Savior . " Roland scrubbed a hand through his fuzzy red hair . " It will take some amount of time to widen the wall as you describe Thoma and add crenellation . With more workers of course the time could be lessened . But I would assume it will be three months at the most , and maybe even less . " He fidgeted a moment , his feet scrubbing at the dirt of the street . " Good , Din Roland . " He reached into his pocket and tossed the man a leather bag with ten mira inside . " Keep up the work Roland , and their will be more . " He nodded at the man 's grateful smile , spurring his horse to a slow canter he headed out the gates . The farm complex or what was beginning to look like one soon filled his vision . It was immediately outside the walls , and the ankle high wall had just begun around it . The complex was six hundred feet , by six hundred . Since it was so large , he knew that it would take a considerable amount of time to build the wall , so he had ordered that the wall was of the lowest priority . If you couldn 't feed your people , why defend them ? Some small wooden buildings separated in a checkerboard fashion by small paths made up what had to be the henhouses . Wooden fence poles were laying all about , and some had even begun to be built to make cow pens and pig pens . He had figured that in the day they would be let out to graze , and then brought back inside at night for protection . All seemed to be going good from what he could see , another cart was trundling through a gap in the wall , which could only be a future gate with more wood for fence posts . A group of young boys and women sat beneath the shade of two tree 's cutting off branches , and nubs from the posts . Those tree 's would have to be cut down eventually , but the shade they provided had value for the time being . He stood around and waited to see if the overseer of this project would come around , but he didn 't . Gaben he thought his name was . Gaben … Gaben something . Thoma wheeled his horse and headed back to the palace , his guards following silently behind him . The crack of stone , and the bellows of oxen soon again filled his ears passing the mason 's . Roland stopped to put a fist to his chest before turning back to his work . " You may speak of it now Din Barim . I have no qualms about talking in public . We are surrounded by those who appreciate Solin Barim . " He said it loudly enough so other people passing could hear , but not so loudly as to be obvious . Barim appeared as if he doubted the " appreciate Solin " part , but continued anyway . " We went to the man 's house we spoke of , and found him dead on the floor . " Thoma winced at that , he had wanted to find him alive . " It is said he has three sons , the oldest is a merchant ship owner . The younger two lived with him and both of these men have had an encounter with them . " Barim waved at the nearest man , the bald one , and cued him to speak . " What is your name faithful Din ? " The wispy haired beady brown eyed man didn 't take more than a second to answer . " Norum … uh … Savior . " " And how did you come upon these two young men Din Norum . And where are they now ? " Thoma said . The anticipation was evident in his voice , and he was anxious to find out . " Well , you see … me and a friend were … checking houses … for people to capture for you Savior , and that 's when we wandered into the house of the Brinkloviar fellow . I stuck my head inside sir , and what d ' ya know ? I saw two kids and a dead man , so 's I turned to my friend Baldor and I said … " " No sir , after that they ran … sir , so 's I don 't know where they might have lit off too . " Thoma frowned , at least he had someone who knew their faces . Although it was apparent that his friend and he were not looking for people to convert . " And you ? What is your name ? " Thoma looked to the other man , not short , not tall , he was handsome and had a grace with the way he held himself . His brown eyes , and brown hair were common , but something else about him made him distinguishable in a crowd . " I am named Hanival Corin , Savior . " He bowed , making it a bit of a garish performance , but a flattery non - the - less . " I came in contact with the two boys … " He said boys in a heated tone , and Thoma liked it . " five days ago . We went out into the country side as you ordered sir , when we came upon a farmhouse . We found the owner and his wife throwing their belongings into a cart , and were about ready to depart when we arrived . We had the situation all in hand when two mere boys jumped from the wood . One of them hit my friend Landen in the head with a rock and killed him . That gave the man and his wife enough time to produce weapons , they killed all but two of us . One of our number ran , and I have yet to see him again , although I have inquired . " His voice said he would very much like to see that man again . " And I was knocked unconscious by someone . " It was evident he really didn 't know who had rattled his brains . Yet clearly , he would like to find out . " I awoke soon after the had vacated . They left on the road to Desson , but whether or not they are still in a group , or still on that road is impossible for me to say . " He even ended his informative report with a salute . Barim looked over at the man jealously . " Yes … very good Din Hanival . " Thoma liked the man , obviously had a head on his shoulders , and showed proper respect . " Hanival , I want you to take … Din Norum , and his friend that he spoke of , and head down the road to Desson and see if you can find them . They should have a pendant of Solin 's symbol somewhere about their person . I want you to bring it back to me . There will be a very large reward for the three of you . And I mean very large . " He had no doubt that by the time they returned he would have funds well enough to give them . Thoma slapped at a fly that landed on his neck and went on . " I would give you more men , but they are needed here . And don 't worry about killing them if you have too . They are of no consequence , just remember the pendant Hanival . You may set out immediately , take whatever weapons and food you may need , along with horses . I will send word to everyone so they give you what you need without any trouble . " He nodded down at them from Mordelai , who for a moment danced as if feeling Thoma 's excitement . For a while he had even forgot he was on a horse . " It will be as you and Solin wish Savior . " He saluted , bowed , then dragged Norum after him , already set on the task ahead . Thoma knew he would have to remember that one . He could see that young man achieving great things . Turning to Barim , he spoke in with a determined air . " Get people to work on finding that portal Barim . Search yourself if you have too . " He prodded his horse into a slow canter . " Oh quit pouting Barim , I have important things for you to see too as well … "

I do not usually have much to post on my blog when I am not in Ghana and I don 't really even know if anyone reads my blog when I am not in Ghana , but even if I am only writing this for myself , I need to take the opportunity to write about something amazing that I found out about today . So , as you might remember , Fire Mountain Gems and Beads wrote an article about my trip to Ghana and beading in Ghana which was published on their website last year . I got a few emails from FMG customers about my work in Ghana but not many . I was proud to be on their website but didn 't really think much had come out of it . Boy , I sure was wrong . Today , I learned that three volunteers who traveled to Ghana this past summer to volunteer at Christ Orphanage were inspired by ME ! They went to Ghana , and specifically Christ Orphanage to volunteer after reading the FMG article . Its amazing how far this article truly went and how much it inspired these women . Its so amazing that my story touched them so much that they traveled around the world and volunteered with the children that I had written about . Today , I truly realized the power of words and photos . I hope that I am able to inspire more people to travel to Ghana , to volunteer at Christ Orphanage , or to even make a donation to help these children continue to live , learn , and thrive . My aunt is a softball coach and donated her team 's uniforms to Christ Orphanage . The uniforms were a bit big on the kids but they loved them anyways ! They loved them so much that they asked to wear them everyday ! Here are some photos of the kids sporting the uniforms . Lewis & Clark College , inspired by my work in Ghana , has put me on the homepage of their website . To check out the story and homepage photo of Atsufe ( one of the children at Christ Orphanage ) and I , visit www . lclark . edu or to go straight to the story , visit http : / / www . lclark . edu / live / news / 8308 - students - and - alumni - blog - about - service - work - in . This is a very exciting opportunity for The Ghana Project to gain some attention . Please feel free to share the links above and spread the word about The Ghana Project . I have moved my blog from Blogger to my website , theghanaproject . org . You can find all my blog posts there , read about The Ghana Project , and purchase hand made Ghanaian products ! Nicole Found this map of Africa on another blog and thought it was so enlightening and interesting . Plus , I am so excited that I now know how to put photos in my blog that I had to take advantage of this opportunity to share a photo with you ! Posted by Writing this final blog entry from my summer 2010 trip to Ghana has been an unbelievably difficult thing for me to do . I have been home for two weeks already and although I keep trying to write it , I keep putting it off . In my mind , it is like , if I don 't write this final blog entry , then the trip really isn 't over . I know that this reasoning doesn 't really make much sense but in my head , it seems to make sense . It 's amazing how quickly my trip flew by and how much I wanted to get done that didn 't get done , but at the same time , it is amazing how much I did get done that I didn 't plan on doing . Unlike my previous trips to Ghana , this trip was more about me . Yes , I was going to see my kids at Christ Orphanage and to spend some time volunteering , but I was also going to do my research , see my friends and kids in the Wegbe community , visit my adopted family in Ho , and of course , spend time with my boyfriend , Alex . The night before I had to leave Ghana , Alex threw a going away party for me . The family prepared fufu ( and jollof rice for me because I am not a fan of fufu ) and we danced the night away . My local kids came over and we danced together as they begged me not to leave . I promised them that I would be back soon as I know that after I finish school , I will be on a plane , back to Ghana . It was a very special night . During the party , which was of course held outdoors , it began to rain . It was so magical to be dancing in the rain , something I have to admit I probably haven 't done since I was a child . I danced with Mawuse in my arms ( and Cynthia holding onto my legs ) , and just hugged her as tight as I could . I couldn 't believe I would be leaving the following day . I couldn 't believe that my little girl Cynthia wouldn 't be coming to my room every afternoon and evening to join me for meals any more . I couldn 't believe that I wouldn 't be there to see Cynthia 's baby brother or sister be born within the next few weeks . I couldn 't believe I wouldn 't be able to hear the kids at Christ Orphanage singing songs as I walked from my room to the orphanage every morning . I couldn 't believe that I would no longer hear ' Sister Nicole ' called out every second of every day . I couldn 't believe that I would no longer be where I feel so at home . I couldn 't believe I was going back to America , back to school , back to the fast paced , capitalist life style that has overtaken America . Its amazing how fast five weeks can fly by . The following morning , I went to the new site to take some final photos of the site . I witnessed Raymond and some local volunteers and parents planting corn , which will help to relieve some of the food costs when it is harvested . By this point , the classrooms were completely decorated and we worked on decorating the bedrooms . I must admit , the rooms look pretty cute with the stickers adorning the walls and the glow in the dark stars on the ceilings . Following my visit to the new site , I went back to the orphanage to say a final goodbye to the children and teachers . The kids sang for me as I sat there taking it all in and realizing that I was actually leaving ( again ) . Alex refused to let the kids sing the ' Goodbye song ' as he knew that I had already cried enough about leaving Ghana and he didn 't want to see me cry anymore . That song gets to me every time the kids sing it so I have to admit , I was quite happy that they didn 't sing it this time . As my flight was at 11pm , Raymond decided that we should leave Hohoe around 1 : 30pm . I knew that we would not leave at 1 : 30 because , come on , this is Ghana that we are talking about , but I didn 't expect that we wouldn 't leave til 4pm . Luckily we still had plenty of time to drive to Accra and stop by Alex and Raymond 's uncle 's house before my flight . As we drove out of Wegbe , the Christ Orphanage kids were crossing the road to go to the park to play . They yelled out my name as I waved to them and started crying . It was nice to see them again before leaving but it was very difficult , as I wanted to go play with them at the park . I didn 't want to endure the 4 hour drive to Accra and then the long flight back to LA . I wasn 't ready to leave . Although I didn 't get to see the kids officially move into the new site or do everything that I wanted to do while I was there , I think I accomplished a lot . I learned so much more about the Ghanaian life style . I learned more about what life would entail when I finally make that step and move to Ghana . I realized that I have the potential to continue to make great things happen for the community in Ghana that I care about so much and other communities that I hope to be able to help in the future . And most of all , I learned once again to appreciate life and live every moment to the fullest . I learned the hard way that nothing in life in certain and that things can change ( for the better or worse ) in the blink of an eye . I treasure every moment of this trip and cannot wait to get back to Ghana after I graduate from college ( what a crazy thought ! ) . Thank you to all of you for taking this journey with me and for reading about my experiences in Ghana for the fourth time ! If you would like to make a donation to The Ghana Project or purchase a beautiful , one of a kind bag , coin pouch , or purse , or other item , please email me . Your purchase could provide a school bag for a child at Christ Orphanage . If you have ever been to Africa , done business within Africa , or even sent something to Africa , you know that things here take a long time . They say it will take a day but it takes a week , they tell you that you will be somewhere in 5 minutes and 30 minutes later , you still aren 't there . This is what we like to call African Time , or in Ghana , Ghana Time . We were supposed to move the kids to Christ Orphanage 's new site on August 1st . This is part of the reason why I decided to come to Ghana at the end of the summer instead of the beginning of the summer this year . Unfortunately , even with planning my trip late in the summer , I will not see the move to the new site . A lot of progress has been made at the site and we have started decorating the classrooms but it still is not ready for the official move to occur . The workers are still painting , putting on doors , making steps , and putting in the electrical wires . The water tanks are not yet hooked up for the plumbing and the electrical poles that have been placed all along the road to the new site have not yet been wired . So basically , although a lot of progress has been made , there is still a lot to do . I just keep trying to remind myself , this is Ghana , this is the way things work here , this is normal for them , nothing happens on time here . Although I will not be able to witness the move to the new site , I have been able to witness some of the older kid 's reactions when they have come to the site . The oldest class was invited to the site late last week for the first time to come and help us decorate the classrooms . They helped for awhile but their attention was mostly focused on the playground equipment which they had a blast playing on . After spending a lot of time at the site over the past few weeks , it was so nice to be working and hear children 's laughter , to hear them using the equipment and enjoying themselves . I wish that all of you who have supported The Ghana Project could have heard this laughter and seen the smiles on these children 's faces . Like always , I have done my best to document their beautiful smiles but I know that my photos and videos do not do them justice . Even though some of the work that we have done at the site this past week has been tedious - cleaning the windows in all the classrooms and varnishing all the desks , I know that these things will make a difference in the way the new site operates . I know that these things will help to make the experiences at the new site even better and help to keep the new site operating efficiently and effectively for Christ Orphanage 's current children and many more children to come . I know that the decorations and learning materials that we have put up in the classrooms will put smiles on the children 's faces and help enhance their learning experiences . I am so happy that I have been able to be a part of it . I just can 't wait until the children are able to move to the new site and take advantage of all the new resources that we have provided for them . It is also exciting to think about the way that the lives of 30 of our children will change when they move to the new site . These 30 children are the orphans and most underprivileged children at the orphanage and they will be living in the dormitory at the new site . Although I was a bit skeptical about taking these children out of their current homes , as they all live with extended family members or other people in the community , I know that they will greatly benefit from having their own beds , receiving three meals a day , and being forced to attend school on a daily basis . Currently , some of the children are not sent to school on a daily basis as their guardians keep them home to help cook , wash , farm , or sell . It is something that has been very difficult for us as these children then become behind in school and it affects the entire class . Although I understand that at a certain age , children become extremely important parts of the household and are able to help maintain the family , it saddens me that these guardians do not see the importance of school and do not recognize the opportunity that is being provided for their child . Many of them do not look at the bigger picture . They look at the present and do not realize that education is their child 's way out of poverty . Luckily we only have a few children who are kept home from school by their parents / guardians for these reasons . I know that within the next few weeks , the children will move to the new site . Although I would have loved to see the kids move to the new site , I know that the safety of the children is more important and at the current moment , the new site is not a safe place for them to be as a result of all the construction and work that is still going on . I know that next time I return to Ghana , I will be able to witness the changes that have occurred as a result of the new site , resources , teaching practices , and change of environment . I cannot wait for that day . Although I never really sleep in here in Ghana , I usually enjoy an extra hour or two of sleep on the weekends . On Sunday morning , I was awake by 5 : 30am . After showering and eating some rice , I got dressed in my white traditional outfit that Essie had made for me as Alex got dressed in his matching one . We wore white as that is the color traditionally worn to a consecration . The outfits consisted of long tops and pants which were adorned with some modest decorations which really added to the outfits . Essie and another family member tied my braids back for me and we went outside to wait for the taxi that would be taking us to Peki , a village about an hour and a half away from Hohoe . I had been told about this family event that we were going to before I even arrived in Ghana so it felt kinda crazy that it had finally arrived . We were going to Peki for the Catholic Church consecration of one of Alex 's aunts as a Cathekist . I had met Melody , his aunt who was going to be consecrated a few weeks prior and she was very excited that I would be attending this special event . She made sure that I would bring my cameras along to document the event as well . As I had never been to an event such as this , I was not really sure what to expect but I was excited to be able to attend this event and to be able to meet more of Alex 's family members . We arrived in Peki after passing through three or four police stops , all of which stopped and checked our driver 's papers or gave him trouble for his missing side mirror . We went to a family member 's home , where there were already a good 30 or 40 people sitting around , chatting , and eating . Everyone was dressed up , even the children and some of the women were dancing and singing . From this house , we went to the church . As there were maybe 30 or 40 other people being consecrated with Melody , there were a lot of people at the church . We sat in plastic chairs outside with hundreds of other people as the church was already full . It was nice to sit outside because it meant that it was cooler and that we didn 't have to stay quiet . I played with some of the children that were with us and snacked on some local food . The service was still going on but we decided to walk over to a local chop bar where the locals dined on some grasscutter . I sat around and watched as they sang and paraded around before eating the grasscutter and the stew that accompanied it . We returned to the church and sat around some more as the service and ceremony were very long . Some of Alex 's brothers had my cameras and were taking photos / videos so I didn 't really have anything to do besides sit there and take in what was going on . The consecration eventually began and I was pulled into the church to witness it . After the consecration ended and the church emptied out , we paraded down the road , singing and dancing with Melody . Our party had grown and about 60 of us went to another house , located a lot closer to the church for the celebration . Throughout the afternoon , there was dancing , eating , tons of photos taken , and lots of fun to be had . I was the official photographer meaning that I took most of the posed photos that Melody requested to be taken . Alex 's brothers also took turns with my camera which was nice because it meant that I could enjoy the event without having to always think about taking pictures . Since the event , I have gone through the hundreds of photos that were taken so that I could share them with Melody and the rest of the family . Melody was extremely grateful of all the photos that I took for her and her fiancé complemented me and told me that I was the best photographer in Peki . It is Saturday evening . I am lying on my bed and can hear the loud , highly amplified music and singing from down the road . As there are three funerals in Wegbe this weekend , the village is very busy and loud all the time , even at 1 : 30am , when I am trying to sleep . And at 1 : 30am last night , one of the funeral guests decided it would be a good idea to use a whistle to accompany the singing . Lovely , right ? There is a large tent set up in our compound for one of the funerals . Luckily , the main activities are not taking place in our compound or else it would probably be impossible to sleep at all . However , it means that there are a lot of people here . And it means that the village of Wegbe has become a sea of red and black . Earlier this week , in preparation for the funeral , one of the women in my compound decided to purchase a goat . She bought the goat on Monday and kept it tied up all week , until yesterday . After dealing with the goat 's extremely loud and obnoxious cries for a few days , I finally decided to ask why the goat was tied up . As I do not recognize the goats that belong to the families in this compound , I did not realize that this was a different goat , one that had been purchased from the market . And the reason it was purchased from the market , of course , was so that it could be slaughtered . Luckily , I happened to take a little walk yesterday late in the afternoon with some of my kids in the village . By the time I returned , the goat was dead and lying with its legs up on a table in the compound . I couldn 't watch as the two men skinned the goat and then proceeded to cut it up . However , I couldn 't help but see parts of the process as I went about what I was doing , which included occasionally walking across the compound . And as the process of getting the goat meat took awhile , it would have been highly unlikely that I would have totally been able to avoid witnessing parts of it . Although I am a vegetarian and refused to eat any of the meat , I do have to admit that I am happy that I no longer have to deal with the goat 's loud , obnoxious cries at all hours of the day and night . On Thursday afternoon , after a long morning at the orphanage , I decided to go into town with Roland and get my hair done . I had asked Essie , the woman who cooks and cleans for me if it would hurt and she assured me it wouldn 't hurt that much . I didn 't know how to take this answer as it was coming from someone who picks up burning coals with her bare hands and scrubs clothing until her hands are raw - things that I cannot do . As Roland and I arrived at the beauty salon in Hohoe , I started to get a bit nervous . Alex was out of town so it was going to be a surprise for him , something he had told me a few weeks earlier that he wanted me to do for a family celebration that would be happening this weekend . I showed the girl which style I wanted - small braids and she went to find some fake hair . I was not very excited for the fake hair part . It would add a lot of weight to my head and it kinda grossed me out at first . Two women began working on my hair and I was impressed . They did the first few braids and they did not hurt at all . I was glad as I was basically sitting in the middle of this salon , in which about 6 other women were getting their hair done as well . I relaxed and was happy now that I realized that I would not be in pain . Unfortunately this quickly changed . The braids started getting tighter and tighter and the women started pulling so hard on my head . I was in so much pain it was pretty ridiculous . My scalp was so sore . There were five women working on my hair and I was pulling away , trying to ease the pain as they yanked my hair . About two hours into the torture , I made the women stop and take a break . I needed a break and my head needed a break . And I was hoping that by allowing the women to stop working for a few minutes , they would come back and not yank my hair so hard . I returned to the chair and the yanking resumed just as hard , if not harder than before . I somehow dealt with two more hours of this before they finally finished . I regretted my decision to get my hair done but was not going to stop midway through the process . I think that I managed to thoroughly amuse the other women working and the other customers in the salon but I did not care because I was just so happy that they were done . I gave the women a nice tip as I felt bad that I was such a difficult customer . I think they were probably just as happy to get me out of the salon as I was to leave . I returned home and was complimented by everyone on my hair . I still wasn 't sure at this point if I actually liked it or not . It was long , black , and heavy and my head still ached . I took a pain reliever in an attempt to relieve the pain and went to bed . This was not as easy as it sounds because every way I attempted to lye caused pain to my head . Even sleeping on my stomach , although it meant that I would not be lying on my hair was painful . I woke up many times throughout the night but luckily by the next morning , most of the pain was gone . Alex returned from his trip the following evening and was impressed by the fact that I actually went out and got my hair done . Like everyone else , he loved it . I am getting more and more used to it as time goes on but it is somewhat annoying . I decided that this is going to be both the first and last time that I get my hair done . I can 't wait til we have to remove all the braids from my hair . That will be fun ! " We are the world " was playing from a teenage boy 's cell phone . Local Ghanaian music was blasting from the speakers . The guests were dressed in red and black , traditional funeral colors here in Ghana . We were secluded from the rest of the funeral guests , sitting under a canopy as one of the family members introduced the other family members and important guests . As Alex was extremely busy with stuff at the orphanage , Roland , one of Alex and Raymond 's brothers traveled to Ho with me for Jennifer 's funeral . Funerals don 't always occur so quickly after a death here in Ghana so I felt lucky that Jennifer 's was taking place so quickly after her death . I felt this way selfishly as I knew that attending her funeral would bring me some closure . As the man was talking , the guest sitting to my right whispered that he was talking about me . I was told to stand up as John , the father of the family further introduced me and told the family members how this white girl , the only white person of the hundreds of funeral attendees was associated with their family . As he talked in Ewe , I couldn 't understand most of what he said , but it really didn 't matter . I understood when he introduced me as Nicole Pampanin and then proceeded to tell everyone that I am also Nicole Dogbey , part of their family . I was then told that they wanted me to come and see the corpse . I had been doing pretty well until then and suddenly burst into tears . Prior to arriving at this compound where all the guests were gathered , we went to Klepe , the village where the family lives . As we arrived in Klepe , I noticed huge groups of people on the side of the road dressed in black and red . The children were dressed in their green school uniforms and had red scarves and cloths tied around themselves . We were in a pick up truck and went to pick up some of the guests so that they didn 't have to walk . The scene was overwhelming . I had attended funerals in Ghana before but this one was different because I actually knew the person who died . It meant so much more to see all the people standing out there , dressed in black and red and it touched my heart to see that so many people cared about Jennifer and were mourning her loss . One of the things I have learned in Africa is that if something happens , whether good or bad , positive or negative , it affects the whole community . When a marriage occurs , the community celebrates together and when a death occurs , the community mourns together . When I was told that I was to go and see the corpse , I turned to Roland and asked him if the casket would be open or closed . He told me that he was not sure as this practice varies from family to family . I was nervous , scared that the casket would be open . I was hesitant to go into the room where the casket was but I was pulled in regardless . Once again , I burst into tears . The casket was open . Jennifer was lying there , dressed in a beautiful dress . I turned away after about two seconds . I couldn 't look at her . It was real . Seeing her body laying there in the casket made it real . Being in Hohoe , while Jennifer 's family was in Ho made it difficult for me to really comprehend Jennifer 's death . I cried when I heard the news of her death but I was alone . I had support here in Hohoe and from home , but no one else knew Jennifer . It was something that really only affected me . Therefore , it didn 't really seem real . I didn 't see anyone else crying over her death , I was distant and it made it easier for me to pretend that it wasn 't really real . Even as Roland and I traveled to Ho on Friday morning , I was still hoping that I would arrive and be told that it was all a joke . Seeing all the people in Klepe mourning Jennifer 's death began to make it more real but it wasn 't until I saw her corpse that it became reality . It finally clicked . There was no turning back . Jennifer 's death was real and I just couldn 't handle it . I turned and was hugged by Peace and Dela , two of Jennifer 's siblings . They walked me out of the room as I cried my eyes out . I was walked back to my seat and just sat there , unable to think , move , or do anything . I watched Jennifer 's biological parents , whom I had never met before as they cried and wished that I could just give them a huge hug and wipe their tears . I don 't remember what happened next . I was in such a daze . I tried to be present but it was so difficult when all I could do was think about the fact that Jennifer , the bright , somewhat quiet but funny girl whom I had gotten to know and love over the past few years was gone . I thought of her as one of my sisters . And now she would no longer be there when I came to visit , I would no longer be able to talk to her on the phone , or play Uno with her and share laughs with her . I thought about the fact that I was so lucky that I had never before had to attend the funeral of a child because I did not know any children who had died ( besides Nyanuie , the child from Christ Orphanage who died last year while I was in East Africa ) and hoped that this would be the last funeral of a child that I would have to attend . But with doing work in Ghana and knowing so many children and people here , I have to be realistic and realize that however sad it may be , I might be living in a dream world to think this way . Peace and Roland sat with me . Peace put her arms around me . And I put my arms around her . I knew that I needed her love and support just as much as she needed mine . I felt sad for Jennifer 's parents , for John and Annie who had cared for Jennifer for longer than I had known her , and for her other friends and family members , but I felt the most pain for Peace . Peace is 17 years old and is the other teenage girl in my adopted family . Although Peace and Jennifer were not biological sisters , they were ' sisters . ' They grew up together , lived together , played together , and loved each other 's company . Although Peace was staying strong , I knew that it must have been very difficult for her , something that became very evident at the gravesite . I was escorted to the pick up truck and told to get inside as about 20 men jumped into the back . The men sang in the back as we drove to the cemetery . The weight of all the men began to take a toll on the vehicle . We eventually had to stop at a gas station and put more air in the tires but that did not fix the squeaking and other noises that the vehicle was making . We arrived at the cemetery and had to walk past a number of graves to get to the gravesite . As we were walking , we witnessed a fight which had broken out between some of the family members . Apparently one of the men was upset that he did not get to help carry the casket from the truck to the gravesite and decided to make a scene . I know that he wanted to be a part because he loved Jennifer but it saddened me that they were fighting and making such a big scene at her funeral , at the gravesite . The casket was laid on top of the burial plot as some words were spoken in Ewe . Amidst my crying , I tried to comfort Forgive and Peace who were also crying . The casket was lowered into the grave and the tears escaladed . If seeing the corpse didn 't make it real enough , this did . And the thumps as the dirt was thrown on top of the casket made it even more real . She was gone . She was really gone . I was a mess . Hearing the dirt pound on the casket killed me inside . I was pulled away and taken back to the pick up truck . The men were already crowded in the back of the truck and I was seated inside . The ride back to the family 's home in Klepe was quieter than the ride to the cemetery although there was some singing . We arrived at the family 's house in Klepe . The compound had been rearranged to accompany three large tents and dozens of plastic chairs . The elders who could not attend the actual funeral were present and the events of the funeral were described to them in Ewe . Melody and Richmond were both there and I just held them when they came and sat with me . Alcohol was served and some other proceedings that I did not follow took place . When there was a break in the proceedings , I talked to John to try to fully understand how Jennifer died . I was confused and had questions that I wanted answered . As I knew , Jennifer was taken to the hospital on Sunday night . She was given an IV and died when receiving the third bag of medication . She had been to the hospital earlier that week and received medication for the malaria but apparently she was very stubborn about taking medication and had to be forced to take it . I am not sure if she actually ended up taking the medication as she was supposed to or if that is the reason she ended up getting worse and had to go back to the hospital . No one seems to be very sure . However , they know that Jennifer began loosing a lot of blood during the IV and became anemic . Apparently it is very easy to get blood from the blood bank ( something that Jennifer 's parents investigated after her death ) but the doctor was upset with his nurses and did not order the blood . It is due to this that Jennifer ended up dying . Hearing this made me upset . How could the doctor neglect to do something as simple as order some blood for this young girl ? This blood would have saved her life . I turned to Roland and asked if anything would happen to the doctor due to his negligence in this case . He just shook his head and asked if anything would happen to the doctor if this happened in America . I couldn 't believe that the doctor would be able to continue practicing medicine as if nothing had happened , as if he was not at all responsible for this death , as if he had no role in Jennifer 's death . I know there is a lack of doctors here in Ghana but this was upsetting . I wished there was something I could do , but I know that I can 't fix everything . I can try my best to make an impact here but there is only so much one person can do . Jennifer 's death inspires me to keep working hard and serving the community here in Wegbe . I know that my presence here brings joy and hope to the locals and right now , that is all I can do . I will do my best to continue making their lives a bit brighter with my presence , help to provide food , education , and healthcare to their children at Christ Orphanage , and work even harder to keep raising funds back home so that we are able to continue providing for these children . They are the future of this country . They are the hope of Wegbe , Ghana . It 's Tuesday evening and I am sitting outside enjoying the sounds and smells of the village . The young kids quickly figure out that my face is lit up due to my computer screen and come over to check it out . Essie , one of Raymond and Alex 's cousins is preparing my dinner , potatoes . We quickly ran out of the potatoes we bought in Accra when I first arrived , so , I sent Godwin with some money when he went to pick up Brother Mark yesterday so that I could stock up . As the people like sweet potatoes , yams , and cassava , potatoes are not really a part of their diet and as a result , they are practically impossible to find in Hohoe . However , potatoes and rice are what basically make up my diet here so I am very happy to have more potatoes . Essie is only 22 , her birthday was just a few days ago , yet , she does practically everything for me . She buys and cooks my food , sweeps my room , washes and irons my clothes , makes me traditional clothing , and heats my water . I don 't like having to be so dependent on another person to do what seems like such basic things for me , but I have to admit , she is truly amazing and she makes my life here a lot easier and more manageable . The kids run around the compound , attempting to avoid the laundry that is hanging from the lines . Essie puts the coals on the fire . I listen to the conversations that are taking place in Ewe but although I am trying to learn the language , I don 't even recognize a single word . The older kids are playing jenga . I taught them the game a few days ago and now they come to me asking to play it . When the get tired of playing jenga , they use the blocks and build houses , using the extra pieces as people . My legs itch . I try not to scratch the millions of mosquito bites that cover them but it 's so difficult . I truly don 't understand how I have gotten so many bites and how they manage to multiply every single day . It truly amazes me . I received a phone call this evening . The arrangements for Jennifer 's funeral have been set . Just hearing these words shocks me . I still can 't believe that she is no longer alive . It is too difficult for me to truly comprehend . I will be traveling to Ho on Friday morning to attend the funeral . As this funeral is for a child , it is not as long and intensive as the 3 day funerals that are usually held for adults . As tears run down my face , Alex tells me how in Africa , things are different than in the Western world and death among children is much more of a reality . The sound of his words bothers me . The fact that they are so used to the idea of children dying bothers me . It is not fair . It shouldn 't be that way . On Saturday , I boarded a tro tro headed to Ho to visit my adopted family there . Forgive , Melody and Richmond 's mother had moved to Accra a few months ago with Richmond , but upon hearing of my visit , they traveled to Ho . They arrived shortly after I arrived on Saturday and Richmond was warmly greeted by everyone . It was the first time he had been back to Ho in quite awhile and all the kids and adults had missed his presence in Ho so much . I was quite happy to see him as well as he was the baby that I fell in love with and spent most of my waking hours with during my first trip to Ghana . I spent the day with my family ; talking , playing , and showing them the photo album that I brought for them full of photos from last year . The photo album was quite a hit and was passed around as friends and family members arrived at the compound throughout the day . That photo album must have been flipped through at least 50 times just during the few hours I was there . Genevieve , also known as Jennifer , the 13 year old girl in my family was laying on a bench in the family 's compound . Her eyes were very puffy and this reserved girl who usually enjoys my presence did not say a word to me . I asked what was wrong with her and was told that she had malaria . I enquired as to whether she was being treated and was told that she had been taken to the hospital and given medication . She spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping but as I know from experience , that is pretty normal for someone who has malaria . Although she was quite sick , she was being treated , so I didn 't think much more about it . She was asleep when I left that afternoon so I left without saying good bye , assuming that she would be better the next time I visited . On Monday morning , I headed over to the school . The children were singing and praying , dancing and drumming . The children went to class and I taught a math lesson to Class 1 before Alex came to get me as we planned on going to town to run some errands . We walked to the house where , I took my phone out of my bag and noticed an unread text message . It read as follows : " Nic , good morning . Sorry to inform you that Genevieve is dead . Call you later " . Thankfully I was on my bed as I just collapsed . I immediately called John , the father of the family because I was in shock . I had just seen Jennifer two days ago , how could she now be dead ? She was just a child , how could she now be dead ? She had malaria , a treatable disease , how could she now be dead ? John told me that Jennifer 's condition had worsened on Sunday night . He told me that she was taken to the hospital and then died early Monday morning . I told him I was so sorry and he told me that he would alert me when the funeral arrangements had been made . After I hung up the phone , I laid on my bed , crying . It just didn 't make sense in my head . I know that death is a natural process but Jennifer 's death seemed so preventable . I cried for Jennifer , I cried for Jennifer 's family , I cried for the other children across Africa and the southern hemisphere who die every day due to a lack of good medical care , and I cried because I wished there was something I could have done to prevent her death . I will keep you updated and let you know when details arise regarding the funeral . Thank you to those of you who have already sent your prayers and kind wishes . It means a lot to me . After this second shower , I usually hang out outside with the local kids , many of whom attend Christ Orphanage . They love seeing me outside of school and the more personalized attention I can give them since there are not a hundred other children yearning for attention at the same time . Instead , there are only between 2 - 15 other children , which I have to admit is still a lot ! This evening , I was at the neighbor 's compound , playing with about 10 children , having a good time . All of the sudden , I heard a girl screaming and witnessed a woman beating the 12 year old girl who lives with her . I am not sure what their relation is but I know that they are related in some fashion . The woman beat the girl with the flat side of a machete as the girl screamed in agony . It killed me . No one got up . No one did anything . Everyone just turned and watched as the girl screamed and tried to run away . What killed me even more was the fact that I felt that if I did or said anything , it would just make things worse and possibly result in another beating of the girl . I felt so helpless and wished that I could have done something . About a half hour later , when the girl had stopped crying and screaming , she came over and sat by me . I asked her why she was beaten but she refused to tell me . It saddens me that it was probably over something so small , something that doesn 't really even matter in the long run . I left the kids for awhile to return home and eat my dinner before returning to play with them for a little longer . As it was dark and getting late , I told them that I would see them tomorrow and returned home to go to sleep . As much as I tried , I couldn 't get this incident out of my head . It breaks my heart to even think about it . Maybe it is ethnocentric of me to think this way . I realize that in America , parents used to beat their children too . But although we have become developed in America and now categorize such behavior as ' child abuse , ' they have not yet gotten to that point in Africa . Back home it is a miracle if I am out of bed by 10am . It is currently 6 : 46 am and I have already been awake for 46 minutes . I know , this is something that is unheard of for me ! Maybe its because I am more excited to get up and start my day when I am here , maybe it is because I go to bed at a more decent hour , maybe it is a combination of both of these things , but whatever it is , I somehow happily wake up at the crack of dawn when in Ghana . I wake up to the sound of my fan billowing from the ceiling , the cries of babies as they are bathed , the sound of people talking , the sound of roosters signaling the beginning of the day and the sound of goats crying out for their kids . Over time , these have become such comforting sounds . The first question the kids at Christ Orphanage asked me when I returned to the orphanage about a week ago was where my elephant was . Since returning home from Ghana in December , I had replaced my elephant necklace with a necklace I had purchased in East Africa . The new necklace is of Africa with a small elephant on it . Even though this new necklace has an elephant on it , it is not the same as the previous necklace that all the kids had grown used to and remembered me wearing every day . I couldn 't believe that the kids remembered what my old necklace looked like and asked about it . And it wasn 't only one or two of the kids that asked about it but a great number of them inquired about it . They now come up to me and point to my necklace , " Africa AND elephant . " Maybe its one of those things you have to be there to understand . This past weekend , I stayed in Wegbe as I love being here ( and because I feel like I have been to most of the tourist places in Ghana and because I do not feel like I am a tourist when I am here ) . Saturday was spent getting some work done and resting from the week 's activities . On Sunday , we followed the sounds of singing til we reached the church ( which is across the street ) . The children , including a number of Christ children , were ecstatic that I was at their church . They would stare at me and wait until I made eye contact with them . At that point , they would laugh and turn away . It was somewhat like peek - a - boo but across a large distance in a church , and played with more than just one child . As the service went on , children came and sat with me . One young girl whom I don 't even know came and sat between Alex and I . She proceeded to lay her head in my lap and sleep for most of the remainder of the service . Other children came to sit with me and wouldn 't stop talking so it became my task to quiet them as the pastor was giving his sermon . This task was not quite as easy as it may sound . Following lunch , Alex and I as well as a number of other family members went to visit the home of a cousin who had just given birth to a baby the previous week . It is tradition to keep the baby inside for the first week of life so this was the baby 's outdooring ceremony , meaning it was the first time the baby would be brought outside . The baby was fetched from its bed and somehow immediately ended up in my arms . The baby , so small and light in color just slept in my arms as the family chatted in Ewe . Of course I was in heaven and had absolutely no issue with holding the newborn until I was forced to give him up . Later that day , I was taken to a birthday party in Wegbe for a girl who was turning 14 years old . I did not know the girl , but her and her family were happy to have me there . They were so happy to have me there that they brought me a cold drink and biscuits which I was instructed to finish before getting up to dance . I danced for hours with the other guests and kids , some of which I knew from Christ and from around the neighborhood . At one point , the mother of the birthday girl even brought out a beautiful fabric which she wrapped around me . Then , I was instructed to stand with family members and be part of practically all of the ' professional ' photos that were taken . They were so excited to have me in their pictures yet they didn 't even know me . After a few hours of dancing and taking tons of photos , I returned home to help prepare dinner and get some much needed rest . It is now only Tuesday , but this week has been very productive thus far . I have been working on taking new photos of all the children at Christ for the website and collecting data for my research . Hopefully the rest of the week will continue to be as productive . Although I have to do my research and a ton of stuff at the orphanage during this trip , my number one goal was not to get sick . Last year 's malaria and typhoid was enough sickness for me for quite awhile so I have been doing everything possible to avoid getting sick this year . It is only day 4 and that plan has already failed . Granted I only have a cold , the fact of the matter is that I am sick and I didn 't want to get sick . I have already been to the pharmacy and have begun some medicine and will hopefully be fully recovered very soon . After arriving in Wegbe on Saturday evening and briefly visiting a few friends , it was time for bed . If it wasn 't for the fact that it was dark outside and everyone was already asleep , I would have walked around the village right then to visit my kids . But , instead , I saved that for the next morning when I awoke at 4am . I waited til 5am to actually get out of bed and leave the house before walking around the village and causing chaos . I tried to quiet the kids and other people who saw me and started to scream but it wasn 't as easy as it may sound . By this point , I had a whole group of kids following me and mimicking my every move . I think it is fair to say that they were beyond excited to have me back in their village . The village became quiet as people started heading to church . I opted to stay home and use the time to unpack my belongings . Two of my favorite girls came over and quickly discovered that much to their asking , I had brought some story books for them to read . They were definitely a hit and kept them occupied while I continued to unpack . On Monday morning , I finally got to see the rest of my kids whom I had yet to see . As I approached the orphanage , the chanting began . Seesta Nicole . Seesta Nicole . Seesta Nicole . A huge grin came across my face as I was greeted by the children and their open arms . They ran to hug me and stare in astonishment although I think that by now they are used to the fact that I am one of the volunteers who actually will come back when they say that they will . I quickly became a human jungle gym once again as the kids jumped all over me , tried to get into my pockets , began playing with my hair , and tried to climb onto my back . Nothing had changed . I was beyond excited to be back . The children were soon escorted inside and began their devotion . It warmed my heart to hear those voices sing the familiar songs that I had not heard in seven months . They then expressed their gratitude to me and told me how joyous this day was because I had returned . I spent the rest of the day observing the various classes , impressed at how far the children had come since I left . In particular , I was very impressed with the level of mathematics that the oldest two classes were doing . After eating lunch , I went into town to run some errands . Our stop at the bank took forever as a huge group of CCS volunteers had arrived at the bank just a minute or two earlier and made the line very long . It began pouring but we continued our errands which included making copies of the questionnaires and other forms for my study and buying water . Of course , I couldn 't visit Hohoe without visiting my friend and seamstress , Beatrice , so we stopped by her shop before returning home . After a tiring , long day of traveling from Los Angeles to Washington D . C . to Accra , I finally arrived in Ghana . Although I had been traveling for many hours , it didn 't hit me til I was waiting for my flight from D . C . to Accra that I was actually going back . As I had been looking forward to this trip so much , it just seemed like a dream that would always be in the future . As much as it felt like a dream , I am so happy that this trip is no longer in the future and that I am finally here ! On my flight from D . C . to Accra , I met a 30 something year old woman and her adorable baby . I know , I know , nothing out of the ordinary . The mother was going to Ghana to visit her family for the first time since she gave birth to her 10 month old son , Wisdom . I told the mother that I would be more than willing to hold her baby on the plane if she got tired or needed to sleep or anything . As our flight was only about 65 % full , she moved closer to me , which meant that I got to play with him when he was awake which helped make the super long flight a bit more fun . When we arrived in Ghana , I couldn 't contain my excitement anymore . I knew that it would be hot and humid the minute I stepped off the airplane but I wanted nothing more to get off that plane . After gathering my bags , I was met by my welcoming party : Alex , Raymond , Wisdom , and a few other family members as well as the driver . We traveled about 30 minutes , through lots of Accra traffic to meet Alex 's mother 's at her house . After meeting her and spending some time with her , we travelled another 30 minutes through lots of traffic to Alex and Raymond 's uncle 's house . It has become like a tradition now that we visit him and his family every time we are in Accra so of course , we had to go and visit them upon my arrival . Sammy , Alex and Raymond 's nephew was excited to see me and even more excited about the photos that I brought of him from my last visit . He loved them so much that he held onto them and just looked at them for most of the time I was there . We were served lunch and then got back in the tro tro and began out long 4 hour journey to Wegbe . As it became dark , I became sad that I would not be able to see my children until the following day . However , when we arrived in Wegbe , out neighbors , Yaira and her family were still awake and I just had to go over there and say hello . They did not know that I would be returning on this day and were so excited to see me that you could hear their screams from down the road . They ran to me and hugged me and were in amazement that I was back . After getting over their initial shock , they inquired as to where Sister Melissa was and when she would be coming . They were not very happy to hear that she would not be coming this time but I assured them that she would be back one day soon . It 's only been seven months since I was last in Ghana but it 's been the longest seven months of my life . December 28th is the day I left Ghana and returned to America after spending a majority of the year in Africa . Three more weeks til I am back there . Only three weeks but it feels like it is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life . The plan was to wait until 2011 to return to Ghana again . As I plan on moving to Ghana after I graduate from college , I should be saving my money so that I can start up my new life there . As the flight is quite expensive , there was no way that I would be able to return this summer . It broke my heart to have to think about not returning to Ghana and to my kids in Wegbe this summer but at the same time , I had to be realistic . So , how am I returning to Ghana this summer ? Last summer , while I was in Ghana , I began thinking about my thesis project , something that is required in the Anthropology / Sociology major at Lewis & Clark . I discussed my ideas with Raymond and Patrick and they helped me come up with a topic that would not only serve as a good thesis , but a topic that would also benefit the local community . This is exactly what I wanted . So , I got to work . I developed a questionnaire - actually three different questionnaires , one for children , another for older youth , those in secondary school or university , and one for adults . I received help distributing the surveys and ended up collecting a total of 70 completed surveys . These surveys served as my pilot study . When I returned Lewis & Clark in January 2010 with the smelly , dirty surveys , I knew I had to find a way to continue my research . But I didn 't have the money to get back to Ghana and carry out the rest of the research with a greater sample size in order to write a more accurate and reliable thesis . Although I was beyond stressed with school and my health problems from Africa , which were still affecting me , I wrote a grant to SAAB , Lewis & Clark 's Student Academic Affairs Board . I went through an interview process where I presented my proposal to a roomful of students who were to decide if my research and proposed project were worthy of a grant . The committee liked my proposal and granted me my optimal budget to carry out my research in Ghana . By this time , I was also working with IRB , the Institutional Review Board , a committee that formally reviews research proposals involving human subjects . This was a difficult process but my hard work paid off a few weeks ago when I finally received approval from the IRB to officially carry out my research . So , I am returning to Ghana to carry out the research for my thesis . I extended my trip , as I wanted to have plenty of time to spend with my kids at Christ Orphanage , my boyfriend ( who is a local Ghanaian ) and the local community . I will be in Ghana for 5 weeks this summer and I could not be happier . While there , I will also be making plans for my move to Ghana , which is planned to happen next summer . Of course , I will be updating my blog throughout my journey . Feel free to contact me while I am in Ghana . While I will not have internet access as often and reliably as I do in America , I will do my best to reply to all my emails .

Since Todd and Michael have been spending a few days with Todd 's dad at their country house , Katie and I have been getting in some quality girl time . Even though I am home with her every day , we rarely get one on one time as I watch David during the week and Michael is home the rest of the time . I tried to think of something fun that we could do together so I asked Katie out for lunch . She said yes and was so excited . I told her that she could pick where we would go . Of course she chose her favorite place , McDonald 's ! We both got ready to go and loaded up into the car . When we got there , she got to pick out what she was going to eat and we went over to the table . It was so nice not to have to fight with her as she sat right down . We chatted while we ate lunch and she told me that she loved me so much . It felt so good to have that time together , just the two of us girls . It gives me a glimpse into what I hope our relationship will develop into as the years go on and she gets older . Ever since Katie climbed out of her crib a few weeks ago , we decided that she would need to convert into the full sized bed sooner rather than later . So Todd 's parents generously bought her a mattress , Dora sheets and Dora comforter for her big Christmas present from them . It was ordered the weekend before Christmas and delivered to the store later in the week . We were getting ready to go out of town so Todd picked it up today . We had to do some rearranging of Katie 's room to fit everything in there as she has quite a bit of furniture . After trying several combinations , we found one that seems to work . I put the Dora sheets and comforter on the bed . She was so excited when she came in and saw that her new bed was together and ready for her to sleep in ( not without some issues getting it put together ) . Tonight was the first night that I did not rock Katie before putting her in bed . We had to move the rocking chair out to make enough room for the bed . I asked her if she wanted her music on and she told me no . I guess that she is really growing up . Katie and I went to a cookie baking / decorating party today . It was fun for the girls to do something together . There were 5 other little girls there and it was so cute to see them all together . Each girl had her own little apron to wear while they made cookies . Katie wanted to use the cookie cutter over and over again in the same place on the cookie dough and then pat it down . She did seem to enjoy doing it though . After the cookies were baked , it was time to decorate them . Katie really enjoyed this part of the process . She started getting the icing and putting it on cookies . She was moving it with her finger around the cookie . Next thing I know I look over at her and she has the tip of the entire bottle of icing in her mouth . She can 't get enough either because she tried to pick up other bottles off the table . Guess she had a good time ! Katie has been working on potty training over the past 5 months . She pretty much mastered peeing after a few weeks but pooping in the potty has been another story entirely . She refused to use the potty and much preferred to do her business in her underwear . Then she would do it in the potty but only when Todd was here . A while back we pulled out the castle with crown stickers that goes with her little potty . We told her that if she filled up the castle with stickers , then she could get ballerina panties . She started calling it her " Happy Castle " . Whenever she would poop in the potty , she would get so excited to put a sticker on her castle . And when she didn 't , she would say that the castle was sad . Over the past few weeks , she has been going more in the potty , getting closer to filling up her castle . On Friday night , she got her final sticker to fill up the " Happy Castle " , which has 12 stickers . I told her that we would go to Target in the morning to get her ballerina panties . She informed Todd and I that she was only going to poop in the potty from now on . This is the first time that she has said this so let 's hope that this is a good sign . We are so proud of Katie for this accomplishment . Whoever said that potty training girls was easier clearly did not have Katie as their daughter ! Saturday night we went to see the Holiday Lights at the Zoo . We went with some of Michael 's friends from his preschool class last year and their families . The 4 older boys were so happy to see each other after not getting together for a while . As usual , Katie was the only girl there as the only other younger sibling was a boy . The weather was nice and clear but it was pretty cold . Katie asked to go home several times as I think she just wanted to get warm , even though she had fleece mittens and a fleece hat . The kids got to roast marshmallows over a big fire pit and walked around looking at the lights . Everyone had a fun time and it was nice to catch up with everyone . Here are the boys together : Yesterday morning Michael went into Katie 's room after she got up to keep her company while I got out of bed . He helped her out of the crib and they both came out into the hallway . Katie went down for her nap in the afternoon . When she wakes up , she calls to me to come get her out of the crib . Yesterday I heard her wake up on the monitor . By the time I got upstairs , she was at the top of the stairs . Katie had climbed out of the crib by herself . Since then , she has climbed out this morning when she woke up and several times last night to go to the bathroom . She is moving to a big girl bed after Christmas so this was just right around the corner anyway . We are going to take the front of the crib off and make it a toddler bed until she gets the new mattress . To be honest , I am surprised that she stayed in the crib this long . We took Katie and Michael to see Santa tonight after Katie 's dance class . Every year we try to go right when Santa gets back from " feeding the reindeer " to minimize our wait time . We hit it right on this year as we were the second ones in line to see Santa . Both kids were really excited to see him and kept talking about what they were going to tell him they wanted for Christmas . When it was their turn to go up to sit on Santa 's lap , Michael went right up and started telling Santa all about what he wanted this year . Katie was much more hesitant . At one point , she said " I am ready to go home " . After a minute or two , Todd got her to go over and sit with Santa by showing her that Michael was already sitting with him . I may have also mentioned that we would go to McDonald 's for dinner afterwards . Once Katie sat on Santa 's lap , she warmed up to him and told him that what she wanted . Of course , she wants all items related to Dora . Her main thing that she asked for is a Dora blanket . Michael has been asking about getting Star Wars Legos at home but he asked Santa for the Batmobile and a Batcave with Batman and Robin . I guess that must have been something he saw on TV . It will be interesting to see what Santa brings on Christmas Day . Santa 's elves took several pictures to get a decent one , which means both kids were looking at the camera with their eyes open . As we were walking away from Santa , Katie told me that she loves Santa . The visit went better than I could have ever expected ! Here are a few of the ones Todd took : Todd went to get our Christmas tree yesterday afternoon and put it up last night . Every year , he puts the lights on and I decorate it . This year , we had Michael 's help . I have to say that this year was the most fun that we had decorating the tree so far . Michael was finally old enough to help out with the ornaments and understand that they can break . Katie was napping while we did most of it but even she did pretty good with not touching the ornaments . Of course , I put anything breakable above her reach , which is no easy task . Michael was so excited to help decorate the tree and could not wait to get started today . He took all of the ornaments out and we talked about where some of them came from . After we finished with the tree , we put up the stockings inside . He also went outside with Todd to put lights on the outside of the house . Here is a picture of the finished tree : My book club participated in our second annual cookie exchange last night . We had a larger group than last year , which just meant more delicious cookies to eat . Everyone brought their cookies in bags of 6 to be exchanged with others . Several of us brought extra cookies to eat while we chatted . I think that everyone had a good time . I know I did and look forward to eating the cookies over the next few days . I made chocolate chip meringues , which is one of the cookies that I make every Christmas . My favorite cookie that I received was a mint chocolate chip cookie ( it was green ! ) . Anyone who knows me knows that I love anything mint at the holidays . Posted by This year we decided to start a few new Christmas traditions . The kids are old enough now to really enjoy Christmas and start to understand the meaning behind it as well . We started off the season by donating some stuffed animals that are not being used to Michael 's school We are also participating in the angel tree at our church and Todd 's office . Michael got to pick the angel off the tree at church and we will go to get the gift this weekend . He is excited because the child that he picked wants an art set . I am sure that he will want one too . Michael got to open his first Advent calendar tonight . He got the Lego Star Wars Advent calendar . This seems to be a popular item among 5 year old boys . He loved it and thought it was so neat to be able to open a different door every day , especially since each one has Legos to put together in it . I guess Katie was excited about the present too as she unwrapped it before we had a chance to give it to Michael and I had to rewrap it . We are also giving the kids one wrapped Christmas book each day . The first one was a Dora book . I let Michael help me to wrap it this afternoon and he was so excited to see Katie open it . Both kids were really into the idea of getting a new book to read every day for one month . I have several new ones and the rest are books we already own . This is such a special time of the year and I love doing things together as a family . To me , making memories is what Christmas is all about . Michael has been working hard on learning to read and letter sounds at school and at home . We have been playing games with words to identify the first letter here and he has been working on it at school during center time and with his teacher . I opened his folder when he got home from school today and this note was in there . I was so proud of him and excited that he is learning to read . It 's so wonderful watching him put the pieces together to learn this new skill . I am excited to see how reading is going to change his whole world ! Today Todd and I had our semi - annual dental checkups . He had a great visit . I was not as lucky . I have been very fortunate to not have any problems with my teeth . 6 months ago , I had a cavity and got my tooth filled . The dentist said that I now have 4 cavities . 3 of them are in between my teeth and were only caught on the x - ray . So I will be heading to the dentist in the new year to get my teeth filled . I can 't wait to spend some quality time with the dentist ! Todd let me sleep in this morning . When I woke up , the kids were coming upstairs to get dressed . Uncle Sidney had come over to see if they wanted to go to the pond in our neighborhood to feed the ducks . They couldn 't wait to go . We gathered up some old bread and they headed down there . When they got back , they couldn 't wait to tell Todd and I what they had done . They collected leaves , fed the ducks , played on the playground and went for a walk in the woods . Michael even told me that Uncle Sidney climbed up on top of a rock that was super tall . He said he wasn 't big enough to climb up there . Tonight , Todd got a text that Alex , our brother - in - law , was going to be coming through Columbia for a work trip and wanted to stop by . He got here a little after 5 : 00 and stayed for dinner and hanging out with the kids . Michael was excited to see him but Katie took a few minutes to warm up because she had just woken up from her nap . Uncle Alex offered Katie a tortilla chip and all was good between them . The kids had fun with the surprise visit from Uncle Alex . Unfortunately , he had to leave right before bed to head on to Georgia . The kids climbed up on his shoulders and thought that was so much fun . I feel that Katie and Michael are very lucky to have such awesome and fun uncles . It 's such a special relationship and I am glad they have it . Michael and Katie love pajamas . If it was up to them , we would wear them all day every day , especially Michael . All summer long , Michael has been asking when he can wear his zipper pajamas again ( footed one piece Pjs ) . Of course , when it is over 100 degrees outside , the last thing he needs to be wearing is a pair of fleece pajamas . He has been so excited since the weather has gotten a bit colder recently as he can finally wear his zipper PJs . Now Katie is taking after him . If he asks to wear the zipper ' jamas , then she wants to wear them too . The only problem with this is that most of Katie 's pajamas are two piece without feet . She only has 2 or 3 zipper ' jamas and gets upset if you tell her that they need to be washed . I love seeing the kids in these pajamas . Even though they are getting big so fast , there is something about the footed pajamas that makes it seem like they are little for just a little longer . We are several months into potty training Katie . I would say that she is 75 % trained at this point . Unfortunately , the 25 % that is not complete seems to be the most difficult and keeps her from getting to 100 % . She is wearing underwear all day and pees on the potty regularly . She even wears underwear for naps and wakes up dry about 60 % of the time . For a while , she wanted to wear underwear to bed at night but she was waking up wet almost every night , multiple times a night . So we went back to pullups for now . The main obstacle seems to be using the potty for # 2 . For whatever reason , she does not want to do that on there . If you catch her in the act and take her to the bathroom , she will stop and wait until you are busy doing something else . I have actually followed her around for more than one day and the minute that I leave her alone , that 's when it happens . To be honest , I am tired of changing dirty underwear . Every 10 times or so , I want to throw the towel in . Of course , I can 't bear to do this after all of the work that we have put in . I keep hoping that one day things will just click and that 's all it will take . I have tried giving candy , telling her she can go to the store to get something she picks out but it doesn 't work . Now that we have been at this for a while , I wonder if it was too early to start . One day I will look back and wonder why it seemed so hard . I know she will get it before she heads off to kindergarten ( I hope it doesn 't take that long ) . Michael has a toy car that plays the above title song and moves by itself in time to the music . The kids seem to think that this toy is so entertaining . It doesn 't hold the same appeal for me as it bangs into the wall and various furniture items . I want to get rid of it whenever it makes an appearance . However , the kids can have so much fun with it . Today was one of those days . It made my heart sing to watch the kids dance and laugh with the car . Maybe I will let it stay around for a little while longer . Our neighborhood had trick or treating last night from 6 - 9pm . The kids were so excited to get ready to go out . Katie started asking about when she could put her costume on as soon as she got up in the morning . Michael was ready to go as soon as he got home from school . We were waiting on Todd to get home from work . One of Todd 's co - workers and his sister were coming over with her kids to go out with Katie and Michael . Two of Michael 's classmates from last year also met up with us when we headed out . Our friends brought over their golf cart limo and we rode it around the neighborhood . There are quite a few hills in our neighborhood and while it 's fine walking to the trick or treating , it 's kind of rough on the way back . It was nice to ride in style as the golf cart was decorated for Halloween ! The kids had fun . Of course , the boys ran from house to house while the girls were much more deliberate in their quest for candy . They were both dressed as princesses and acting like it by not getting too rowdy . Katie didn 't go to as many houses as Michael did but yet it seemed like she had as much , if not more , candy . After trick or treating for almost 2 hours , we came back to the house where the kids ate cupcakes and looked through their candy stash . Everyone left shortly after 8 : 00 . Katie and Michael ate some cereal and Michael actually asked to go to bed , which is a rare occurrence for him . I guess something finally tired him out ! The kids and I went to the SC State Museum on Saturday with two of Michael 's good friends from his school last year . The museum was having some Halloween activities , which included a scavenger hunt , coloring and craft areas as well as a balloon artist . Once we got inside , the boys really didn 't care about much other than being together and running around from exhibit to exhibit . We spent a good bit of time inside the indoor play area as well as the dinosaur exhibit . They also had fun looking at the model trains and going inside the real train car that they have inside . I am not sure how much this had to do with Halloween but they did wear their costumes and get some candy as we were leaving . There was also some bobbing for apples outside . The kids had a fun time ( and so did the moms ) . The best part about it was that it was inside so we didn 't have to worry about it being too cold or rainy as both of those were in the forecast . Michael has been attending religious education classes ( aka CCD ) at the church we attend every Wednesday night since the school year started . Last night they asked the kids to bring a pumpkin to carve in the parish gym . We got the pumpkin that we picked from the church down the street and brought it with us , along with some carving tools and patterns . The pumpkin was not quite big enough to use the patterns though . We were served hot dogs and chips for dinner , even though we already ate at home . Michael has had a pretty big appetite lately and ate a hot dog , chips and cookies for dessert . Then the carving began . I worked on a pattern and Michael helped to cut it out once I had the outline done . It was fun to work on it together as we didn 't carve a pumpkin last year . Here are some pictures of the finished product : Katie and Michael both really seem to like to listen to music . We have regular dancing sessions in the kitchen while we are listening to the iPod . I usually keep it on a pop music station because that 's what we all like . It 's become interesting to watch them identify songs and sing along to them , especially Michael . One of their favorites right now is " Moves Like Jagger " by Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera . The song came on in the car one day and I was explaining who Mick Jagger was to Michael . The Rolling Stones are one of my Dad 's favorite groups and I told Michael about it . He told my dad all about the song and asked about Jagger 's moves . It 's so cute to hear him sing the song too and then Katie likes to join in . They have a few other favorites like Dynomite and Switchup ( as Michael likes to call it ) by the Black Eyed Peas . Katie will pretty much dance along to anything that has a good beat . I think it 's great that they enjoy music as Todd & I both like to listen to a wide variety of genres . This afternoon was another follow - up appointment for Michael 's ear surgery . Since it had been two months since the surgery , he was also scheduled for a hearing test today . The hearing test was the first part of the appointment . As soon as we went into the room , he cooperated with the audiologist . He was placed into a little room inside the room we went into and she closed the door . She put on some headphones and read Michael words that she wanted him to repeat . There were also a series of beeps that Michael had to raise his hand when he heard them . After the test was over , the audiologist told me that Michael 's hearing was within the normal range . This was quite a relief as I was worried that he couldn 't hear because his ear was still healing . We went into the exam room and waited for the doctor to come in . He came in and did his exam of Michael 's ear . Michael cannot stand to have him clean the wax out of his ear and he always does this . I came prepared to the appointment this time . I told Michael that as long as he didn 't scream or start trying to escape that I would take him to Sonic afterwards so he could get a " green drink " . For whatever reason , it worked this time . The doctor said that everything looked good and the graft is taking nicely on the eardrum . What a relief ! It 's always nice to get good news for a change . This afternoon we went to a local church to get pumpkins to decorate the house for Halloween . Katie and Michael were both excited to see all of the pumpkins out there . Michael was having a great time picking out his pumpkin and he helped to pick out one for Katie too . It was so cute to see him helping her out . They also have a few photo opportunities too . Katie and Michael both posed in the cutout although Katie was not quite tall enough . Michael and Katie both stood up next to a ruler with pumpkins next to it . I was amazed to see how tall Michael has gotten over the past few months . Since we took the kids ' pictures at the same place last year , it will be interesting to see how they have grown from last year . Posted by Katie has been taking dance for a month and a half now . It has been taken her some time to get used to going into class by herself . She was originally signed up for the 2 year old pre - ballet class . Since she was the only one in there , the rec center cancelled the class and she was moved up to the 3 / 4 year old ballet / tap combo class . For the first 2 weeks , she would not do much dancing at all but she was quietly observing . As I have found out over the past few weeks , she is intently studying what the teacher is doing and repeating it at home . Of course , this is only when she thinks no one is looking . I caught her singing the ballerina song in her room . Katie also did an impromptu dance in her crib this morning for David , the little boy I watch , when he got here this morning . I know she thought I wasn 't looking . It 's so cute to hear Katie talking about dancing and to do the steps . I asked her earlier today to do some dance but she didn 't want to . I asked her to do it tonight for her uncle and she turned on the charm . She did some tap steps and a plie with her arms over her head . I love watching her and am so glad that she is having fun . Katie really looks forward to going to dance now every week . Last night , we were talking about what we were doing today and she told me she was going to dance . Too cute ! This past weekend we traveled to Raleigh , NC to visit my sister and her husband . My parents joined us there too . About a month ago , my sister let me know that LegoFest 2011 would be visiting there . We got tickets as Michael is really starting to get into building Legos . We were able to leave Katie at my sister 's so that we could take our time with Michael and really enjoy the experience . There were several areas where Legos were on the floor for building whatever the kids wanted . They had an area of Duplo blocks and two other areas with one color of blocks only . It was neat to see kids building different things in each area . In one area , employees were handing out small squares . You took the squared to a table that had different color Lego cubes on them . You matched them up on the square to put on a large mural on one side of the room . Michael enjoyed this so much that he did it more than one time . There was also a portion of the room dedicated to lifesize Lego models of different characters . It was very interesting to see how something as small as a Lego could turn into something bigger . Michael won a Ninjago toy after we dueled in the arena with Ninjagos that we created . He also won a free month of membership to play Lego Universe online because he picked the green block out of the box . He was so excited and could not wait to play when we got home . We all had a great time ! I wanted to get a picture of Katie in her Halloween pajamas earlier this week . However , getting her to look at the camera and cooperate for a picture is one of the most difficult things to accomplish . As soon as she sees the camera , she says that she does not want to say cheese . I have tried to bribe her but that doesn 't seem to work either . I finally got her to smile by telling her that I wasn 't going to rock her to sleep unless she smiled . It did work but I know she has better smiles to give . This past Saturday I did the Walk for Life for Breast Cancer sponsored by a local hospital . My sorority alumnae chapter organized a group to walk together . It was great to do something like this to raise money for a great cause . There are so many worthwhile causes out there that it 's hard to pick just one to support . Recently several people that I know have had relatives diagnosed with breast cancer so it seemed like the right cause at the time . My OB who delivered Michael was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 30 's . It went into remission for a while and came back about 6 months after I had Michael . She passed away last year . She was such an awesome person , as well as a great doctor . Friday night was the annual Fall Festival at Michael 's school . This was our first year attending as he just started Kindergarten there . There was a lot for the kids to do there . We bought tickets to go on rides and play games . They had a bounce house as well as a bounce slide . Michael really enjoyed the slide and Katie got upset that she could not go on the slide too . She likes the slide but cannot climb up by herself . The kids got to see and climb up inside a fire truck . The firefighters showed them the different equipment and how to use it . There was also a " pumpkin patch " set up in front of the school . Inside they were doing photos and fingerprints . The book fair was also going on in the library and Katie & Michael each got to pick out a book . The whole family got to go on a hayride around the school parking lot . Katie 's favorite thing to do was the lollipop tree . For one ticket , she could choose any lollipop from the " tree " . She was in heaven . Michael 's favorite thing was the bull riding . He got to sit up high and spin around before being thrown from the bull . Thankfully it didn 't go too fast . It was definitely a fun night and we look forward to doing it again next year . Today Todd and I are celebrating our 11th anniversary . When you first get married , even 5 years seems like a big deal . I now realize that every year should be celebrated like a big deal because it is . I am so thankful to have found the love of my life , who also happens to be my best friend . I fall more and more in love with Todd as the years go by . I love that he is a wonderful husband and father to Katie and Michael . He knows me so well and takes the good and bad parts of me , which is not always easy . I feel so lucky to have him as my husband and know that I count on him to be by my side . As a surprise to me , Todd took the day off from work so we can spend it together and I am looking forward to it . I think it 's amazing that something so simple can make me so happy . Happy Anniversary Todd ! Wednesday is the day that we go to library storytime . We didn 't go during the summertime as I felt like Michael may have been bored with it and there were plenty of other things to do . The latest session started back in the last week of August and today was the final class of this session . The next one will start back up in 3 weeks . Katie really seemed to be participating today , which figures since this is the last class for a while . She is singing along with the songs and doing the hand motions . One of her favorite songs that they sing is " The Wheels on the Bus " . Today the librarian read a Spot book , which is one of Katie 's favorites right now . Since there are so many kids in there , it 's sometimes hard to pay attention to the book . There are also quite a few younger siblings , who are babies , and Katie wants to monitor their every move . It 's so sweet how she goes up to the babies and studies what they are doing . Katie enjoys library storytime and asks about it when we don 't go . I hope that the next 2 weeks go by quickly . I wonder what activity we can do instead of storytime . Maybe a trip to the zoo or the museum . . . . . Friday was Picture Day at Michael 's school . We are still struggling to get him to wear a " button shirt " . I guess I figured after 3 years that he would eventually decide to give up his fight with buttons . No such luck yet , although we can usually get him to wear one with a bribe . The shirt that he wore for Friday 's picture was actually one that he picked out himself . He threw a fit when we were buying it for my cousin 's rehearsal dinner last month but agreed to wear it for the picture after we asked a few times . It was also Apple Day for the Kindergarten classes . It was fitting that Michael was wearing a red shirt . The classes went around to different rooms and got to taste and touch different apples . Todd 's parents brought over a basket of apples this weekend . Michael was able to tell me that the green ones were Granny Smith , the yellow were golden delicious and the red ones were delicious too . I was impressed . They also made an apple hat with the different color apples on it . Michael was pretty proud of it ! That was the amount of time that Katie wore underwear on Wednesday night without any accidents . Todd and I were so proud of her ! For the past few nights , Katie has been asking to wear underwear to bed . I have been very hesitant as most days she still wakes up with a pretty full pull - up . She really wanted to and I didn 't want to discourage her so I let her wear underwear to bed on Tuesday night . She did have an accident but I am pretty sure it was near the morning as she wasn 't that wet . She asked again last night so I put the panties on . My mom has been visiting for a few days and she got Katie up this morning . We made a big deal about her doing such a great job wearing underwear all night . I hope that this is the start to staying dry every night and that it wasn 't just a one time thing . If she can start pooping on the potty consistently , then potty training will be done . I will be keeping my fingers crossed and keep cheering Katie on ! Today was Michael 's one month post - surgery appointment for his eardrum repair . The ENT said that everything looks good so far . We can stop with the eardrops and keeping the water out of his ear in the shower . The skin graft is still a little thick so he will recheck the ear again next month and there will also be a hearing test then as well . Thankfully , this was one of the shortest appointments we have ever been to . The time from checking in to leaving was less than 30 minutes . This was good because Michael does not like to have his ear checked . The doctor also cleans his ear , which is the worst part of the appointment . Today I showed him all of the things that the doctor used to check his ear . It seemed to calm him down a bit . I hope that after the next appointment , it will be a while before we have to go back . We have been so busy over the past few weeks getting into the school routine and adjusting to getting up so early . It seems like there is so much going on that I could be blogging about but yet there is little time to do it . I hope to get back into it in the next few days as I have come to rely on the blog to keep track of important milestones and events in our family 's life . Isn 't it crazy how some moments stand out in your mind and you can remember what you were doing at that exact moment in time ? But then other things that you did a million times don 't seem to leave any impression at all . I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing the morning of September 11 , 2001 . I was sitting at my desk at work . I got a call from my mom saying that a plane had hit the World Trade Center . My dad was doing contract work right across the river from the WTC . Thankfully , he was fine . We turned on the TV at the office in time to see another plane hit the second tower . We were glued to the TV for the rest of the day at work and at home that night . I remember being in shock that something this serious had happened . I also kept waiting for them to bring out survivors . Unfortunately , there were not many . I know that I felt such relief that my dad was OK as he was so close to the tragedy . My mom spent the next few days trying to get up there to be with him from NC . Ten years later , the world has changed in so many ways . My life has also changed drastically . I was a newly married working woman . Now I have been married for almost 11 years , have 2 kids and am lucky enough to stay at home with them . I am thankful for my family every single day . Tuesday was Katie 's first dance class . I had called to several dance studios around us and all of them will not take kids until they are 3 years old . I finally found a class at a local rec center and it will be on Tuesday afternoons . The class is pre - ballet and it is just for 2 year olds . Well , I guess that most of the other 2 year olds are doing something else because Katie was the only one in the class ! I figured that she wouldn 't actually do any dance but she did let the teacher show her what to do . They sat together on the floor and listened to music while talking about dance . The class lasted about 40 minutes , which I thought was pretty good for Katie . It was nice to have the class to herself because she got to ease into the setting . The highlight of the class was getting a pink stamp on her hand at the end . As we were leaving , I asked her if she wanted to come back again next week . She said that she would and she told me she wants to dance " The Nutcracker " . Posted by Growing up on the Jersey shore , Labor Day weekend always meant the end of summer . The day after Labor Day , the island changed and all the tourists went home . It was when we always enjoyed the beach the most . Now that I live in South Carolina , school starts mid - August and the beginning of school means the end of summer to me . We were invited by some good friends to spend the weekend with them at the beach house they rented for the week . We visited with my parents on Friday night and headed over to the beach house late Saturday afternoon . It was nice to spend time with family and friends . We all went swimming in the pool and headed to the beach today . We really enjoyed ourselves . It was the ideal day to spend at the beach and pool . The ocean water was the perfect temperature and there was a nice breeze blowing on the beach . Everyone had a great time and we were happy that we decided to the spend the final weekend of summer at the beach ! Katie has been saying some of the funniest things lately . Having a conversation with her is highly entertaining . She has started to repeat some of the things that she hears Michael say too . Some of her recent favorites include : " How you dare me " ( How dare you ? ) , " I never get to eat that " ( courtesy of Michael ) , and " Oh , man " . It 's pretty hysterical to hear these phrases coming out of her mouth . Her tone of voice makes it even funnier as she is very dramatic . She also likes to start sentences off with statements like , " you remember the other day when I . . . . . " Having a conversation with Katie is like talking to a 3 or 4 year old . She is constantly asking questions and making observations . We were at the grocery store earlier this week and I asked her to help me count an item that we were buying . I started with 1 , 2 and then she finished with 3 , 4 , 5 . We have also been working on manners . If Katie catches you talking with your mouth full , she says , " You shouldn 't talk with your mouth full " . I tried to get a video of her talking but as soon as she realizes that you are filming her , she turns to the camera and says " stop saying cheese " . I was able to get a few phrases while her back was turned to me one day . This is such a great age for talking as things really start to come together . Every day Michael brings home a folder from school that has papers in it to send back to school the next day and other ones to keep at home . Michael 's first homework assignment was in the folder today . It is to be completed and turned back in by Friday . The first assignment was to cut on the lines on a sheet of paper . Michael did that today and let me know that he would do the second assignment tomorrow . Each child was assigned a letter for the second assignment . They have to find something in their house that starts with the letter . Then he has to draw a picture and put a sentence using the word underneath it . As he was sitting at the kitchen table cutting with the scissors , he told me that he loves homework and school . What a great thing for a parent to hear ! Let 's hope it continues in the years to come . This afternoon Michael had his follow - up appointment with the ENT to get his stitches out from his ear surgery last week . I have been nervous about this appointment as I know that Michael is very sensitive to pain . I knew that getting the stitches out was not going to be a good experience . Everything was fine until the doctor came in the room and asked him to lay back in the chair . He did not want to do this . The nurse and I had to step in and hold him still so that the doctor could remove the stitches and look in his ear . After the stitches were out , the nurse said that he could look at them . He was so upset from the removal of the stitches that he did not look at them and the nurse finally had to throw them out . Of course , he wanted to look at them right after she did that . When I told him that she had thrown them out , he got upset and started crying all over again . By the time we got to the elevator to head out to parking lot , Michael was fine . Everything looked good today and he will go back in one month to check to see how the graft is taking and if the eardrum repair was successful or not . Posted by Fortunately Todd was able to come home from work so he didn 't miss this important first for Michael . When the bus pulled up to the corner , all you could see was Michael 's little face looking out the window . As soon as he saw us , his face lit up and he jumped up to get off the bus . He was so proud of himself for riding the bus and he got a Lego Star Wars set since he did so well riding the bus by himself . Posted by Friday was Michael 's first day of Kindergarten . Todd and I were both able to take him to his first day . When he woke up in the morning , he went downstairs and was so excited to see his lunchbag and what was inside . We headed to school and took him inside . Only half of the class was there as his school does a staggered start for kindergarten to get the kids used to going . The entire class will be there tomorrow . When we arrived , his teacher showed us to his cubby and we put his bookbag in there . Michael already has a friend in his class and he arrived shortly after we did . The boys sat down to read some books together . It was so nice to see Michael settling right in . As we left , it hit me that we now have a child in kindergarten . It was a bittersweet moment but I knew how happy he has to be there and I loved his enthusiasm . All of these firsts are hard as a parent but seeing Michael so happy makes the adjustment so much easier . When he got home , Michael said that his day was great . He told us about what they did for the day and where they went around the school . We also talked about the kindergarten playground , which was fun too . He asked when he could go back to school ! The only thing that did not go smoothly was the bus ride home . Apparently Michael 's paperwork got lost so he could not ride . His teacher said that he was all ready to ride it with his friend and Todd had even gotten off work early so he could see him leave the bus . At least now we know that he will ride the bus , even if he didn 't get to on his first day .

When Walker got out of the pen he checked into a cheap hotel across the street from a bar & grill with a flashing neon sign . The light went on and off as he lay in his bed smoking a cigarette and listening to the rain outside . He wasn 't really thinking about anything , just listening to the rain and enjoying the smoke . Afterwards he had a good meal in a chophouse and found a woman walking the rain - washed streets . It started to rain again later so he waited in a doorway smoking another cigarette and watching the cars go by . He could see the rain falling in their headlights and under the streetlamps . He felt good now , better than he 'd felt for a long time . He wasn 't the type to get excited about things . He was a low - key , easy - going type who just drifted along , maybe too easy - going because he 'd operated like an amateur and that had gotten him five years inside . He 'd gotten used to the joint fast enough and after a while it suited him like any other kind of life . Nothing really changed for him . He had long , serious talks with other cons who spoke softly like him , talks about how they 'd been wronged and how you had to look out for yourself , and he liked to have one last cigarette before turning in and that put him in touch with himself , it was just him and the cigarette and his random thoughts all locked together in an intimate kind of way . It didn 't really dawn on him that he was out until he 'd had the woman and the good meal . But then , when he lay on his bed smoking the last cigarette of the day , it was as though he was inside again . The next morning he got up late and figured he 'd look for work . The streets were full of panhandlers and winos and kids with weird hair . He wasn 't used to so much noise and movement . It confused him at first . Then he tried a few luncheonettes and restaurants , figuring they 'd need a dishwasher , but ended up cleaning toilets in a local gym . He hung around there about ten hours a day and got paid in cash once a week by the owner out of a cigar box . He probably made book on the side , was whaWalker tried to talk to the woman in black too . Her name was Louise . She surprised him with her deep , sexy voice that must have come from smoking too many cigarettes . Her red mouth made him think of candy . She told him her husband sat in their room all day writing detective stories . Walker couldn 't figure out how she spent her time . She told him they 'd lived in Argentina for a while and then in Florida . Wherever they went they seemed to have had the same routine , him writing and her hanging around , and yet she seemed resigned to it , as if this was her role in life , to serve as a kind of muse and satisfy her husband 's needs . " Doesn 't he ever get out ? " Walker said . " I never seen him . " Walker didn 't understand exactly what she was talking about but let it pass , staring at her chest . The flatness was uncanny . There wasn 't even the hint of a nipple there . He wondered what it would be like to make love to a woman who had the body of a boy . He found that the idea excited him , as did her little red mouth . " Everyone has to have some fun . Like dancing . " He gave her a mischievous look and made as if to give her a whirl . She didn 't even crack a smile . It wasn 't easy to get a fix on her . She was inscrutable . He got to thinking that her paleness and thinness might have thrown him off . There was something hard in her face , and shrewd . Walker stayed on at the gym , biding his time . He had no plans . Things just happened to him . The owner , Mr . Green , treated him as if he was retarded , and it couldn 't be denied that with his soft , slow way of talking he sometimes gave that impression . When Mr . Green sent him on an errand he 'd put bus fare into his hand as though he were a 10 - year - old and it was also true that sometimes he got lost . Otherwise Walker liked sitting around with the fighters and shooting the shit over a beer and a smoke , though mostly he just listened and they didn 't mind if he was there . They must have thought he was retarded too and he didn 't mind creating such an impression , even encouraged it , because it gave him an obvious edge . Walker stole a little money from the cigar box every time he cleaned the office and from time to time went through a few pockets in the locker room where the locks were all busted and you had to buy your own if you wanted to protect your valuables . In this way he picked up an extra ten , fifteen dollars a week . Walker had sound instincts . He always knew who to be . That was how he had survived the pen . The other woman , the one with the nice tits , was less inscrutable than the one decked out in black . She didn 't beat around the bush . That was how it all started . One day in the hallway she grabbed his arm in her overheated way and said , " You gotta help me . " " What 's wrong ? " Walker said . " He beats me , " she said in a whisper . " He doesn 't let me out of the house . " " You 're out now , " Walker said calmly . It wasn 't as if he didn 't want to appear helpful . It was just a simple observation . Walker tended to take a step back when people came at him too fast . She kind of tugged at his sleeve and Walker 's mind worked a little faster than usual and he figured that if she was inviting him into her room he 'd be getting some for sure . All he had to do was play along . " Sure , " he said . " Take it easy . I 'm coming . " She lived down the hall . She was wearing a sweater and a skirt and looked as good as a woman could . It would have been a pity if she really did turn out to be crazy . They went inside . She had a room just like Walker 's with an unmade double bed taking up a third of it . There wasn 't any phone that he could see and clearly she had a key to get in and out . " He 's on the road . Look . " She pulled up her sweater to expose some skin and Walker could see the welt on it . He tried to be cagey now . " Is that the worst of it ? " " I don 't know , " Walker said , holding up his hand as if to ward her off , or at least the idea that was in the air . " I said you can have me . Don 't you want me ? " She looked desperate and her face was all red , but at the same time she put on a seductive and even calculating look , watching him out of the corner of her eye . " You take a pipe and break his head . No one will know it 's you . You know the alley behind the building . He comes through it when he 's been out drinking . You just have to wait . " " He 's insured . I made him take out a policy . It would be for us . It 's a hundred thousand dollars . " " You mean like fifty - fifty ? " " Or we stay together . It 's up to you . You want a sample ? I 'll give it to you now . Come on , get on the bed with me . I 'll fuck your brains out . " She was fabulous and put on a terrific show , screaming a little and twisting her body like she hadn 't gotten any in years . And he 'd never been with a woman who looked so good . " Jesus , " he said . " He 'll be back in two days . I 'll knock on your door when he goes out . Then you wait for him in the alley after midnight . " She was sitting on the edge of the bed now , running her hands up and down her legs and making him want her again . " No one 's out there that late at night . You just throw it in and come right back . Then lay low . We 'll get together after things quiet down . You 'll just be my neighbor for a while . " Walker got a sexy kiss and a little moan to seal the bargain . Then he went back to his room with a big wrench under his shirt that looked pretty new . So far he 'd gotten laid so he was ahead of the game and now he could review the situation calmly . He sat down on his bed and lit a cigarette . He 'd never killed anyone or even come close . He wasn 't a brawler though occasionally he couldn 't avoid a fight and gave a pretty good account of himself . He didn 't know how far he could trust this Brenda , who had put out a little too fast for a normal woman , but he 'd never had anyone like her with the body of a beauty queen and he could imagine having her as his own with all that loot and started daydreaming and making plans . He didn 't show up at the gym the next day but got to thinking that that might be a giveaway so he came in the next morning , the day the husband was due back , with a cock and bull story about being sick and went back to cleaning people 's shit . He 'd have to go on like that for maybe a month or two , he figured , and then he 'd split with Brenda and they 'd set up house somewhere near a beach and live like kings . Tonight was the night and he felt a little tight in his stomach because killing someone was a big step that put you in another league . Once you killed someone you could do anything but he figured he wouldn 't have to do anything at all because he 'd have Brenda and the money and what more did you need ? Someone called to him , " Hey , over here , " and he had to clean up some vomit . That kind of thing had never bothered him and it didn 't bother him now though the irony of it didn 't fail to sink in . He leaned on his mop watching the men work out . He had a good physique and had played with the idea of fighting once but he was too old now . And besides , the kind of men who worked out in the gym fought for peanuts when they fought at all so Walker was glad he wasn 't in the ring getting banged around . When he got back toward evening he saw Brenda 's husband downstairs and his heart beat a little faster . He had the fac " It 's a little early , " he said . " It 's after eleven . You have to be there from eleven - thirty to be sure . Just go down to the basement and out the door . " He futzed around for a few more minutes to see if she might be interested in having that quick one anyway but she had her feverish look with little beads of sweat standing out on her forehead . One part of him couldn 't believe what he was doing and that was the part that got him out the door . " Give me a kiss for good luck , " he said . She gave him her mouth but when he tried to stretch out the kiss she pulled away . " Take his wallet and his watch , " she said . " That 'll make it look like a mugging . " He went down the stairs with the wrench under his shirt . The basement was full of cats with piles of broken furniture everywhere . He pushed open the door and found himself in the alley . As you couldn 't get back in once it swung shut he left a little wedge there , figuring he 'd wait inside after he checked out the alley and then come out behind the husband after he passed , hopefully pissed . It was still quiet outside and the air was still wet . He looked up and down the alley and checked his watch . It was 11 : 45 . Then he waited just inside the door , listening for the crunch of footsteps . It was nearly one a . m . when he heard them . He wanted to look out to make sure it was the husband but figured he 'd recognize him from behind . The steps came nearer , there was a pause and the sound someone makes before he starts throwing up and some drunken cursing and then the steps again . Walker opened the door a couple of inches to look outside and saw the man come by . He didn 't hesitate . He stepped out and cracked him over the head , swinging with both hands . The man fell forward as if he 'd been pushed while walking in his sleep , without making a sound . Walker was on top of him in a second , swinging the wrench like an axe six or seven times until the head was completely bashed in . He was breathing hard now . He took the watch and pulled out the wallet with a small wad of bills . He was already thinking about what to do with them . They hadn 't talked about that . That was something Brenda should have thought of . He felt a little peeved with her . She should have thought things out down to the last detail instead of just giving him a general picture and leaving him to fend for himself . He 'd remembered to wear the gloves , which made it a little awkward to go through the wallet . He slipped it into his pocket with the money . The wrench was smeared with blood and pieces of bone and he wasn 't going to walk around with it like that even at two in the morning so he found a dirty plastic bag to wrap it in . That was another thing Brenda should have " You done any time ? " one of the detectives said . They left first . Walker was tempted to knock on Brenda 's door again . He couldn 't figure out what was going on . Had she panicked and run ? He thought about the gloves too , and the rest of the clothing he 'd worn . He checked the gloves again and decided to take them with him and get rid of them at the gym . He opened his door and looked cautiously into the hallway . Downstairs he opened the lobby door and looked just as cautiously into the street . In the gym he stuffed the gloves into a nylon bag and dumped them with the garbage . It was a slow day . He was worried and not worried at the same time . He was worried about Brenda and any other slip - ups like the gloves he may have made but he was sure he hadn 't and even if they found the wrench they couldn 't tie it to him so all he had to do was play it cool . The detectives came back at eight in the evening . By that time he 'd knocked on Brenda 's door maybe twenty times . Maybe she 'd gone to her family , he thought . A tragedy , after all , had to be made to look like one . The detectives told him they had the murder weapon and Walker said , " That 's great . You guys really know your stuff . " Every time he opened his mouth now he had to worry that they weren 't trying to trip him up . Had they mentioned the murder weapon before ? That they were looking for it ? what they thought it was ? The detectives just stared at him , as if to gauge his reaction . " Where were you last night ? " one of them said . " I was here . " He almost said he 'd been sleeping but that would have given away the fact that he knew the murder had been committed in the middle of the night . You had to be very careful , he could see , just say yes or no and never offer information though he still thought it was a good idea to gab away about general things to show them he was very far removed from thoughts of crime . " Where were you at two a . m . ? " He wanted to suggest a few lines of inquiry that might lead them astray - a mugger , a psychopath , someone he 'd had words with in the bar - but kept his mouth shut . The two detectives left , not looking too pleased . What were they looking for anyway , if they already had the wrench ? And how the fuck had they found it ? The two detectives showed up again in the morning . This time they didn 't have anything specific to ask him , except if he knew where Brenda was , that is , they wanted to know if he knew the people who lived in 3C . No one seemed to be home . They stared at him some more . After they left Walker sat on his bed for half an hour without moving . It wasn 't possible that he 'd killed the wrong man . And where was Brenda ? And where was her fat husband ? He went back to her door and knocked real hard this time . Then he went down to the office and asked the old geezer there if he knew where she was . The old geezer checked his books and told him there wasn 't anyone called Brenda in 3C as far as he could see . The room was registered under a man 's name , and no he didn 't remember him . Walker went back upstairs and sat on his bed again . He 'd killed Louise 's husband . What was worse , he wasn 't going to get a cent . He couldn 't believe it . He tried to form a picture in his mind of the little fat man but couldn 't get him into focus . Maybe Brenda was right then . He 'd fucked up and why should she be hanging around anymore ? But it was her own fault , in a way , giving him the wrong information . Ironically , it occurred to him that Louise was more or less available now , with her long legs and sexy voice and little red mouth , the bereaved widow , and who knew , maybe there 'd been insurance there too . That would have beat all . And what kind of a life would she have had anyway , living in these dingy rooms when she should have had a real home and children maybe ? Walker could give her children . He liked the idea of juicing her and having a family . He 'd maybe fatten her up a little and get some color into her cheeks . He played with the idea for a while but not for too long because he had bigger problems now , half - expecting the cops to break down his door any minute . The next day he got rid of the clothes he 'd worn . He brought them over to the gym in a neat little package and dumped them in the garbage like the gloves . Then he cleaned up the toilets and leaned on his mop for a while trying to think , but nothing came into his head . When he got back he banged on Brenda 's door a few more times . He even contemplated jimmying it open . A few days passed and nothing happened . At night he lay on his bed smoking or stared out the window . Still nothing happened . Naturally enough he started thinking about Louise again . He hadn 't seen her since that morning and didn 't want her slipping away , so the next night he knocked on her door with a little speech all worked out in his head . It was crazy but there he was . He was just being swept along , playing with fire . It was as if he was pretending now that she was Brenda and somehow that made things all right , altering reality in a magical way . She opened the door and said , " What do you want ? " She didn 't seem too pleased to see him . He made the speech , saying how sorry he was and was there anything he could do to help her and she let him in . He made the rest of the speech while sitting down . She didn 't offer him anything to drink and didn 't say much either at first . She sat there pale - faced and tight - lipped in her black weeds , not grieving , it was clear , but not overjoyed either . He saw a computer on a card table in the corner of the room and some books piled up on a chair . This was for writing the detective stories , he surmised . There was no sense pushing it , not that he knew exactly how to proceed . All he knew was that there was money there and that he had earned it . He thought of it as his money now , or at least half of it . When he got back to his room he lay on his bed smoking a cigarette . Once he got an idea in his head he found it hard to let go . He waited a few more days , until he saw her in the street , and offered to carry her groceries for her . Then he invited her out for a drink . Everything seemed to have gone back to normal for her . It was as if the husband had never existed . She must have resented him , Walker thought , for making her into a slave . He wanted to ask her if he had been fat too . That was the impression he 'd had , of killing a little fat man , but of course your eyes played tricks on you when you were overwrought , which Walker seldom was , except when he was swinging a wrench at someone 's head . She was dressed in black of course , with the red lipstick on her puckered little mouth . It was like her trademark . Walker desired her . He had started having fantasies . He 'd already forgotten Brenda 's fabulous body . As far as he was concerned , Brenda didn 't exist either . " You need someone to take care of you , " he said . Walker was disappointed but understood that she was playing hard to get . He 'd taken her to a classy place where they had a little combo playing jazz . " How much was that insurance for ? " he said though he knew he shouldn 't have . They both laughed this time . She didn 't exactly push him away when he leaned across the table and gave her hand a squeeze . She looked around , maybe to see that no one she knew was watching . After all , she was supposed to be a grieving widow . Walker was pleased . They understood each other now . Clearly she was ready to start a new life . The important thing was not to let her slip away like Brenda . They finished their drinks and walked back . It was the first time since he 'd been out that he felt he really had a woman , a woman you might talk to about normal things . He felt inclined to tell her about his life and hard times but decided to save it for another occasion . Whenever he talked about his life he started feeling sorry for himself , but half of that was a pose , as if he wanted sympathy . And in any case , it was Louise who should have been getting the sympathy . It had been raining again . The air had that wet smell he liked and he could still hear the plaintive sound of the saxophone from the jazz club in his head . They were alone on the street . When the cars speeding by threw down their lights the wet , black pavement shimmered . He thought about making love to Louise , about her long , smooth , bony body and the bush between her legs . They staggered into the building . They were both a little drunk . He kissed her on the landing and tried to feel her up but she put a hand like a claw on his wrist when he tried to grope her crotch . He said , " Come on , baby , open up , " which was what he always said when he wanted more than he was getting , but she resisted him and broke away , saying goodnight hoarsely . The next day he got a message from Brenda in the office . It was about time . When he called her number she said she had to see him . That threw him . He started thinking . Had something gone wrong ? But he wasn 't worried too much anymore . He figured he was in the clear now . The cops could bullshit him all they wanted but as long as he kept his head they couldn 't touch him . After all , he couldn 't be tied to that wrench , that is , onl " Yeah , well . " Walker was wary . He had no idea what she was up to . Then he had another of his inspirations . " I 'm gonna have to check you for a wire . I ain 't getting burned again . " Walker had the feeling he was being outclassed here in every respect . One thing he knew for sure , he wouldn 't be getting any from her again anytime soon . Aside from which , he wanted to point out that she wasn 't so perfect herself . He wanted to point out all the things she 'd overlooked , like what to do with the wallet and the blood on the wrench and the gloves , not to mention the fact that she hadn 't even known when her own husband would show up in the alley . " What did you want to see me for ? " he said . " You wanna try again ? " This was sarcasm . " A couple of times . They wanted to talk to you too , but you weren 't around . And they found the wrench . They must have whaddyacallit , when they look in the river ? " She looked at him for a long while , just as Louise had , as though sizing him up again . " I talked to Louise , " she said . " She has a big policy . Is that why you 're hanging around her ? " " A piece of the action , just like you . Hey , Charlie , we 're in this together , remember ? There 's a lot of money out there . Enough for all concerned . " " But she ain 't getting any until they finish investigating . They gotta catch someone or close the case . " " Use your charm . And whatever you do , don 't let her out of your sight . Keep your eye on her at all times . We don 't want her getting away . " " Fuck it . Quit that shitass job . This won 't take long . I 'll finance you . How much did you get off her husband ? " " Here 's another two hundred . That 'll keep you for a while . " She handed him two crisp hundred dollar bills . " I want to know where you are at all times , " Walker said . He understood now that he would be needing her , not only to finance him but to tell him what to do . He pursued Louise for the next two weeks but never got within a mile of her puckered lips , not to mention copping the tiniest feel . And yet she seemed to be leading him on . They 'd fence a little and she 'd give him her come hither look and he 'd try to move in on her and she 'd break away and he 'd be following her in the street and into the building and once she turned on him right outside the office and told him to stay away from her and the old geezer came out and clucked his tongue and whenever anyone was around she 'd start carrying on like that so Walker got to thinking that maybe she didn 't want anyone to know there was anything going on between them , which made sense . In the meantime he quit his job , telling Mr . Green he 'd come into some money and wouldn 't be needing to clean toilets anymore , and started getting worried when he didn 't hear from Brenda and got to thinking that he 'd just as soon split the money with Louise as with her . He wanted Louise . He couldn 't stop thinking about her bony body . But Brenda had that thing on him . And what was she thinking of anyway , putting Louise out of the way ? She was capable of anything , he knew . But they 'd been chums , hadn 't they ? He 'd had the feeling they went back a long way , Brenda and Louise , like being childhood friends maybe and running into each other by accident or moving into the same building by design . He couldn 't say why , he just felt it . He kept watching out for her , just as Brenda had told him to . In any case , now that he was out of work he didn 't have much to do . Watching Louise was like his job . He hung around outside the building awaiting developments , half - expecting a cab to pull up and Louise to come down with her luggage and hatboxes and things like that and that would mean she was splitting , he supposed , but what the hell was he supposed to do about it , take down the license number ? None of this made any sense . Aside from which , Walker didn 't have a clue how you married a woman and settled down and got her money . That was what he needed Brenda for . It wasn 't a cab that came , it was a car , and Brenda was inside it . Louise didn 't have all that much luggage either , just a single suitcase which she hefted around without much trouble . Someone who was inside the car with Brenda went upstairs and got the computer . Then they drove away , about a second before Walker got there on the run . The cops came a few hours later . This time they had the warrant , and they found what they were looking for inside of a minute : the receipt for the wrench in the bottom of a drawer . It must have been that night while he was making his coffee that she put it there . His lawyer from legal aid tried to convince the jury that it would have made no sense for him to keep it all this time but the prosecutor pointed out that he might even have bought the wrench innocently and forgotten about the receipt , being none too bright , as Mr . Green testified when he told the court how Walker had left his job boasting about some money he 'd come into . Walker almost had to agree with the prosecutor , thinking to point out how he 'd forgotten about the gloves and the clothes he 'd worn that night , but that didn 't make any sense either , incriminating himself like that . Brenda actually came to the trial , wearing a wig and dark glasses and sitting three rows back but directly behind him so that he had to twist his neck to catch her eye . To put a cap on things they got Louise on the stand too in her black widow 's weeds - a very nice psychological touch - to testify about his relentless pursuit of her and how he 'd brought up the subject of the insurance and how she 'd tried to avoid him and had even told him off in public which the old geezer in the office and a few of their neighbors readily confirmed with not a few embellishments , which was to be expected when the prosecutor invited them to give their imaginations the freest rein . Walker had to lean forward to catch what Louise was saying in her deep , low voice , which was anything but sexy now . She too was wearing a wig for sure , and he was surprised he hadn 't sWalker sat through the trial like a zombie . He got life this time . It was raining when they took him out to the van . The sky was dark and the air was raw . He lit a cigarette and watched the rain beating down on the pavement as the van sped away . He wasn 't thinking about anything . He was just watching the rain . AnonymousJanuary 16 , 2015 at 11 : 30 AMHi Fred , this had a great set up and ' Walker ' , excuse me , walked straight into the plot and got hammered for his trouble . I found myself drawn deeply into the helpless situation that progressively allowed the character to be duped . Although unfortunate , after all we generally want the little bad guy to overcome his past and do good , it was still a satisfying end where Walker 's expectation of sex and money was so well manipulated . An enjoyable read . James McEwanReplyDeleteAnonymousJanuary 17 , 2015 at 8 : 02 AMA good read with plenty of twists and turns . I had the feeling that one way or another this might be action replay for this hapless ex - con : never the brightest star in the firmament ? thanks , CeinwenReplyDeleteJonathan PayneJanuary 17 , 2015 at 1 : 15 PMGood read . Great twist . Very noir . ReplyDeleteAnonymousJanuary 17 , 2015 at 1 : 16 PMGreat story with an unusual twist at the end . You used description so cleverly , fleshing out your characters so that they became living , breathing people in a setting you 'd also created through realistic description ; none of it was supurfluous - a mistake so many short story writers make ! Take a bow , Fred . You deserve warm applause . BerylReplyDeleteDoug HawleyJanuary 17 , 2015 at 4 : 24 PMFem fatales are a staple of noir fiction . I thought I had this one figured , and I did except for the Louise gender . Couldn 't someone tell up close ? How was even a closely shaven face disguised ? Had Charlie not seen or read enough noir to see this coming ? Despite that , I liked the flow . ReplyDeleteAnonymousJanuary 18 , 2015 at 5 : 55 PMCharlie 's mistakes along the way , so realistic , seem to exemplify the ex - con with a disorganized mind , the guy with no chance of staying out of trouble . George SemkoReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . .

Marriage . Infidelity . Divorce . Infertility . Baby . Diabetes . Insulin Pump . Not necessarily in that order . My life 's better than a soap opera . Nemo e - mailed me to say that he was going on vacation and that he 'd see us next week . The first thing I did was get up and do a celebratory dance . And then I told my Mom , who also joined in the celebration of having a week to ourselves . A week with Lucian going to bed on time ! ( I 'm so happy with the small things . . . ) Then I e - mailed Nemo back . I asked him where he was going . And to thank him for letting me know because so many other times he just disappeared and left me hanging . He replied to me and said that he was going to his parents ' cottage . He wanted to go to Las Vegas but he couldn 't find anyone to go with him . And , get this , did I want to go ? It 's unbelievable , that 's what it is . Of course I 'm not taking the offer seriously , but it 's so bizarre because for such a long time I couldn 't get him to go anywhere with me . And now he 's joking about going on a trip ? My therapist said that his offer was inappropriate . He 's crossed the boundaries that I 've set up . I couldn 't help but feel a little more powerful though . I 'd rather have him joking around with me than fighting me . I 'll be celebrating not only America 's independence this weekend , but my own . A few years ago , I spent a month in Europe with my mother - in - law , Cruella . I felt pressured into going by Nemo , Cruella , and my father - in - law , Jabba . My in - laws built a house there , with the intention of living there part time when they retired . ( Nemo 's family all moved to the United States before he was born . Many of their relatives are still living in the same town they 're from . ) Anyway , I knew before going that it was going to be a tough trip for me . I didn 't speak the language for one . Which meant that I 'd be able to communicate with Cruella only . Four weeks of speaking to no one but her . Secondly , they have a car , but it 's a manual transmission which I don 't know how to drive , so I 'd basically be unable to go anywhere by myself . Thirdly , I knew that being away from my husband and family was going to be difficult . I get homesick easily . The main reason that I went was because I needed some time to think . We had just had the failed IVF 's , and didn 't know what to do next . My life felt like it had no direction ( to be honest , it still feels that way ) . The other reason I went was because heck , it was a free trip to Europe . How could I have turned that down ? I spent a month preparing for the trip . The diabetes supplies alone took up a whole suitcase . I got a loaner pump and brought three times what I thought I 'd need in supplies . I also brought lots of yarn to crochet my heart out with . I brought thirty books with me . Yes , that 's three - zero - 30 books with me . I had more books than clothes . And when I had to unpack and repack at Nemo 's parents ' house before we left , everyone was making fun of me . Still , I read them all , and even had to ration myself at the end so I 'd have something for the plane trip home . At the airport , I sobbed at the gate . Nemo 's eyes were wet . I had to pull myself away from him to go through the security line . I 've thought about that moment many times after all the events of the past two years . And all I can come up with is that he did love me . At one point he did . I still can 't figure out how it Posted by I lost my job in 2001 . The company I worked for was bought out , then 9 / 11 happened . They laid off ten percent of the workforce . The lay off surprised me because I was a good employee . When I thought about it afterward though , I realized that my job was easily divided up between others . I called Nemo right after they let me go and I was driving home with all my personal items in the trunk . He calmed me down and assured me that our life would go on . He insisted that I go home , enjoy the day , take a nap , whatever . I was a mess and he made it better . We decided that I would stay home for awhile . It made sense with all the infertility stuff we were going through . ( We were involved in the testing phase of IVF . ) He liked that I was at home during the day to take care of things . I liked being home . I handled all the cooking , cleaning and shopping , things that he 'd rather not be involved with . I had dinner on the table waiting for him every night after work . I was your perfect 1950 's housewife . I got too spoiled with the situation . I never wanted to return to work . Having a baby became an even bigger challenge for me . Nemo suggested ( quietly ) that he needed me to work again because he was having a difficult time with the bills . Looking back , I should have known better . But because he never hit me over the head with it , I didn 't understand the strain it was putting on our marriage . This is the one fault that I will accept in our divorce . I should have gone back to work . By the time I realized my error , I was six months pregnant , and I knew no one would hire me . Plus , by that time , I was starting to become aware of Nemo 's extra - marital antics , so I had no motivation to help our " family . " I was under too much stress with the pregnancy and trying to figure out why my husband was never home . I love being a stay at home mom . Love love love it ! I 'm quite happy tending to my son 's needs . If I had the money , I 'd stay home forever . It 's been so important to me to give him a good foundation for when I do have to return to work . ( Just as anPosted by My therapist thinks that I should contact the police about Nemo . I 've decided not to , because I have no proof of any illegal activity , and also , I 'm afraid of his retaliation . I need to back the train up a bit . Nemo admitted to me back in November , 2004 that he had used cocaine . He later told me different versions : 1 . he never said that , 2 . he said it but meant that he only used it once . I have chosen to believe his original confession . Why else would he have admitted it to me ? There 's a few other reasons I believe that Nemo was / is using drugs . I 've compiled a big list , but for the sake of brevity here , I 'll just say that in addition to all of his weird behavior , Nemo stole a lot of money from us , and others that I trust told me that Elvira is a known drug user . So I 'm sure that you 're wondering why I might be considering doing something about this now . I saw a few of my old neighbors recently . They started to tell me some things about what 's happening at my old house . For the most part , they said , it 's been pretty quiet , but there have been people coming and going at strange hours . And someone else is living there in addition to Nemo , Elvira , and her daughter . In addition , Nemo recently sent me a few pictures of Lucian and him . Nemo 's eyes are dilated in the photos - something is obviously wrong with him . It 's quite scary . My therapist suggested that I call the police and have them check out the house . We lived in a nice area , where the cops aren 't overworked with crime , so I 'm sure they 'd take me seriously . My fear is that they would find nothing , Nemo would find out that it was me who called , and then in addition to being mad , he 'd have ammunition that would make him look good , and be mad enough to try to hurt Lucian and me in some way . I really believe that something shady is still going on with Nemo . I 've felt it since the beginning of my pregnancy two years ago . I wish I knew exactly what it was , so I could take the steps necessary to protect Lucian from it . If only I knew what I was up against . In the meantime , Posted by Lucian calls my Dad Papa . He says it with so much affection in his voice . He loves my Dad so much and it warms my heart when I hear him call out for his Papa . My Dad is definitely the father figure in Lucian 's life . At this point , I have not heard Lucian call Nemo anything . I 'm torn as to what to do . Since I don 't see Nemo as Lucian 's father , I can 't bring myself to say the word Dad ( or Daddy , Father , etc ) in reference to Nemo . I know at some point as Lucian starts talking and understanding more , he 's going to be questioning things , and I 'm going to need to make up my mind about how I 'm going to refer to Nemo . I 've thought about just calling him Nemo and leaving it at that . Letting Lucian make up his own mind . What do you call the person who is not the sperm donor , not a father in any sense of the word , who is involved with your child on a very limited , detached basis ? I want to do what 's best for Lucian , and if it means that I have to refer to Nemo as Dad , I will . I just don 't know how easily my tongue will let me say the word . I had a had time falling asleep last night . In addition to diabetes , I suffer from IBS , and I never know when I 'm going to be stricken with the childbirth - like contractions . So last night , I was awake with excrutiating stomach trouble , watching late night tv . Thankfully I love watching old re - runs and there 's a lot of choices after midnight . What I hate are the ads . They must be dirt cheap at that time of night . Either that , or there must be a big market that 's awake who wants to meet someone for $ 4 . 95 a minute . One of the commercials caught my eye . I had no idea that str * ip clubs even advertised , but there it was : the place where Elvira dances . They have a website ! They hold bachelor parties ! Everything the slimy single man would want . The commercial ran four times during one program . I was curious enough that I checked out their website . It was a one page deal with one sleazy picture and their phone number . And oh yeah , they 're hiring ! I believe that I 've always had some anxiety . I think it 's just my personality . I was an anxious child , an anxious teenager and an anxious adult even before I met Nemo . But the past two years have caused my anxiety to skyrocket out of control . I feel anxious everytime I get the mail . It used to be worse , when I was living at my ( our ) old house . I would get bills that couldn 't be paid , credit cards with scary withdrawals , and documents from my lawyer that I was scared Nemo would find and open before I 'd have a chance to see them . My heart would race in my chest feeling like I would explode . My head knows that there is no rational reason for this . I mean , it 's just the mail ! What is there to be afraid of ? I also jump everytime the phone rings and when I check my e - mail . I 'm anxious everytime I turn onto Nemo 's parents ' street . I 've gotten much more obsessive compulsive about the doors and windows being locked and the shades drawn at night too . I 'm getting better . None of these things bothers me quite like they used to . I 'm less likely to be holding my breath while my e - mail loads . I 'm a bit calmer . But not like I used to be . I fear that the lack of trust I have in the world will affect me forever . Like many others who suffered from infertility , I prayed and prayed for a baby . At first , I had a lot of hope . And then two years and three IVF 's later , it dwindled . But I still prayed . Until I eventually got mad at God . I never stopped talking to God . I never stopped praying . I still thought He was there , I just couldn 't figure out where my suffering was leading . I couldn 't see the greater purpose . Then I got pregnant with Lucian . And the world around me fell apart . I finally saw the greater purpose . Many people have told me that maybe Nemo wasn 't supposed to be a father , and that 's why he was ( basically ) sterile . I don 't believe that . What I do believe , is that Lucian is the child I was meant to have . Don 't get me wrong - I loved each of the embryos we had created . I mourned their loss . I mourned the loss of Nemo and me as biological parents together . I thought of those embryos as potential children with hopes and dreams of the people they 'd have become . But Lucian was the one who was supposed to be here in flesh and blood . He was the one sent here to save me , in so many ways . My faith was tested . My happy ending is not quite what I thought it would be . But really , it 's even better , because I have Lucian . And he is so amazing . I still don 't know what the future is going to bring . But this time , I have faith that it 's all going to work out as it should . God has a purpose here for us , I just can 't see it yet . Eight days later , I have finally heard from Nemo . He e - mailed me to say that he 's feeling better and that he 'd like to see Lucian . I e - mailed him back and said that I couldn 't believe he 'd been sick again ( at least the fifth or sixth week this year ) and that in the future , he should let me know so that he 's not leaving us hanging for a week . His excuses are wearing thin on me . I 'd like to know what kind of " illness " prevents him from having any contact for eight days . I know ( you know , the world knows ) that it 's a lie . It just annoys me to no end that he can concoct any excuse and I have no choice but to accept it . Even calling him on it does nothing . I know I just said this in other posts , but it was such a nice week without him . I mentioned here that I subpoenaed Nemo 's phone bills . One of the other documents I received was Nemo 's credit card statements . You 're probably wondering why we hadn 't been receiving them all along . Well , Nemo switched the statements to paperless so they came to his e - mail account . By the time I got hip to the cause , he had changed his passwords so I couldn 't look at the statements . In addition , my name was not on that particular credit card , so I couldn 't request the statements myself . There were quite a few things that I didn 't know about on the statements . I want to say that I was surprised by what I found . But really , I shouldn 't have been . Here 's a partial list : 1 . flowers ( not for me ) 2 . hotel rooms ( which I could never figure out because Elvira had her own place ) 3 . $ 500 watch ( purchased two weeks after Lucian was born . Me , I was given nothing . This particular purchase is extremely upsetting to me . ) 4 . other jewelry store purchases5 . airline tickets ( for him and another woman , not Elvira . He did not use them because the dates of the tickets , he was home , at least part of the time . ) 6 . bars and other adult clubs ( where he 'd spend hundreds of dollars a night ) There were also many ( oh so many ) cash advances , and other miscellaneous store purchases . Besides these purchases being painful for me to stomach , all of these things , we couldn 't really afford . One or two , maybe . He was out living the life while I was at home . Pregnant and living like a pauper . Because on top of all the credit card spending , we would receive bank overdraft notices . I 'd go to the grocery store , and my debit card would be rejected ( one time I was refused an $ 11 purchase ) . One of the best things about being divorced is being in control of my finances . I will never again be humiliated by having my debit card rejected . All of my checks will clear . I will pay no more late fees or overdraft fees . Nemo recently tried to pay a doctor bill of Lucian 's . It bounced . Some things never change . We didn 't hear from Nemo on Father 's Day . It 's now been a week since Lucian and I have had any contact with Nemo . It 's been a great week . I 've had Lucian in bed at his normal bedtime . I 've been able to plan evenings the way I want them . It 's been wonderful . I don 't want to say it out loud because I don 't want to jinx it , but I just have to wonder where Nemo is , and what he 's been doing with his time . Since April , he 's been a bit more consistent taking advantage of his parenting time . It 's been a long time where I haven 't heard from him at all . ( when Lucian was a newborn , it would be nothing to not see Nemo for a week , and have him randomly show up whatever evening fancied him , wearing the same clothes he had left in the week prior . ) My struggle is this : maybe I 'm allowing Nemo to get away with this behavior . Should I stand up and insist that he be there for Lucian ? Not that I want him to , or that I think that would help . My psychiatrist thinks that I 'm avoiding the confrontation by blindly accepting any excuse he gives me . I am avoiding confrontation , but my reasons are that I 'm so happy , I let him think I 'm buying any excuse , or lack of excuse . I don 't care that he thinks I 'm stupid . What kind of excuse do you think he 'll give me for missing Father 's Day ? One of the things that I 'm trying to work on is living in the moment . It 's difficult because my mind races , I get caught up in ideas that are nowhere near happening now , and I panic . I think about Lucian at three , speaking in sentences and being with Nemo . Will I be forced at that point into a situation I 'm not comfortable with ? ( ie driving or overnights ) I think about Lucian starting school . Will Nemo fight for the amount of time he currently has ? Will I be working and will I be able to be there for Lucian when he gets off the bus ? I think about Lucian playing on a sports team , or playing an instrument , or doing whatever activity he enjoys . Will Nemo support it ? Will I have to explain to Lucian why Nemo 's not there ? Will Nemo even be in the picture then ? I think about Lucian and the friends he will make . When they start talking about their fathers , what will Lucian say ? Will he be as uncomfortable with the explanation as I am ? I think about how I can protect Lucian for the next sixteen and a half years . At a certain point , I 'll be able to trust Lucian to do what 's right , but still . He 'll be a child . How can I protect him without being overprotective ? I 'm trying hard not to let the situation with Nemo and me affect how I 'm parenting Lucian . I want him to form his own opinions . I want him to know the truth , and do with it what he pleases . I 'm working with my therapist trying not to project myself too far out into the future . To be in the here and now , and to be grateful for what I have already . Still , it 's so hard . I 'm not very successful . Any free moment and my mind is running off in another direction . Today was wonderful . Lucian and I went to see some friends this morning that have a boy the same age as Lucian . There aren 't many kids in our neighborhood , and at the moment I can 't afford to enroll him in any programs that would expose him to other kids . So we both love it when he 's able to interact with other children . The two boys were so fun to watch together . He and I were both so wiped out from our playdate that he took a three hour nap , and I slept for two . Tonight is normally one of Nemo 's nights to see Lucian , he 's currently MIA . I decided to take Lucian to the park after dinner . He was so excited going down the slides , gliding on the swings , and running around watching the other kids . My heart feels like it will explode when I see him so happy . He experiences joy in every little thing , and every moment I 'm with him is a gift . When I have days like this , I cherish them . They 're a bonus . I know that these kinds of days only perpetuate my fantasy that Nemo will leave us alone , and Lucian won 't be exposed to him . These days give me hope that our life can be normal . Next week will probably depress me when he 's showing interest again . But I 'll take a day like today anytime . Nemo and I dated for three years and were engaged for one year before we were married . We got engaged on my twenty - seventh birthday . We planned a trip to Florida . ( I planned it , he agreed with everything I suggested . ) It was a wonderful vacation . One of my favorite times I 've spent at Disney . We had very similar vacationing habits , and it was both stimulating and relaxing , just like I like a vacation to be . On my birthday , we drove to Cape Canaveral . There was a shuttle take - off planned for that morning . The sky was clear , the air was warm , and we walked along the beach hand and hand first . The shuttle launched without a hitch . It was beautiful . We went back to our hotel and he took a nap while I went and relaxed in the hot tub . Afterward , I came back to the room and Nemo handed me my present . He had been trying to get me to open it for days , but I 'm a traditionalist . If you open gifts before your birthday , you feel let down on the actual day . So I opened the box . I thought it was going to be a pair of earrings . He had bought me other jewelry in the past , and I 'd been hoping for some earrings . I opened the box , and immediately slammed it shut when I saw that it was a diamond ring . I asked him - what does this mean ? And he then said - what do you think it means ? We went round and round . I wanted him to get down on one knee and say the words . Finally , he did . He said sweet things about loving me and wanting to be with me always . If only he had meant those words . I met Nemo through mutual friends . It was the night before my birthday , and we went to a bar . I don 't remember much specifically about the evening , besides the fact that he was there , and so was I . I don 't think I even talked to him much . I remember spending a lot of time on the dance floor and having a good time with my friends . Nemo and the friend he had come with left before I did , and I walked them out to their car . I said to Nemo - nice to meet you , and went in and finished having a fun evening . The next day was my birthday . I was a little depressed about it . I 'm not sure why , as I wasn 't feeling old ( that 's only been happening rather recently ) and I had a nice day planned with my family . In the afternoon , my phone rang . It was Nemo wishing me a happy birthday . I didn 't recognize his voice , nor was I able to guess who he was until he told me - remember you met me last night ? I felt really bad . We didn 't talk for long . But I remember hanging up and thinking how nice it was of him . There were others who hadn 't remembered my birthday , and he did . I 'm probably going to be saying it a lot , but I miss that guy . The one who called just to wish me a happy birthday . My favorite time of day is when I put Lucian to bed . I love the routine of it all . The bath , the books , the I love yous , and the quiet time for me afterward . But I admit that the real reason I love when Lucian goes to bed is that I know he is at home , asleep under my roof ( okay , it 's my parents ' roof ) and I 've had another day where he 's been safe , watched over and loved . Right now , I feel that everyday is a victory . It 's become my mantra . I repeat it over and over . Everyday 's a victory . Everyday 's a victory . When Lucian was about three months old and the divorce was filed , and I found out more about Nemo 's secret life , I 'd put Lucian to bed at night and just watch him sleep and think - what will happen to this sweet little boy ? So each completed day became a victory to me . In my darker hours , a lot of days have not felt victorious . I may not win every battle , but Lucian 's childhood is at stake so I will win the war . I hate being envious . I try to squash jealous feelings when they surface . Alot of times I have to consciously turn the other cheek , and I think others think I 'm being rude . But it 's sometimes the only thing I can do to maintain my sanity . The first major jealous feelings I had were after I was diagnosed with diabetes . I was a child on a schedule and a diet . I 'd watch others get to eat whatever they wanted . And really , it wasn 't the food that I envied most . It was their freedom , their careless eating habits . I 'd be green with envy and I 'd pretend I wasn 't . One time a teacher brought in donuts for the entire class . She made a big issue in front of everyone and presented me with an apple . I held in my tears , and after class I went to the bathroom and cried . The teacher was trying to be concerned and thoughtful . But publicly pointing out someone 's inadequacies hurts ( even ones I had no control over ) . Jealousy is UGLY . It changes relationships . It eats at you . Life isn 't fair and I 'm certainly not promoting a socialistic society by any means . I really want the whole world to be happy - I 'm not wishing anything bad to come to anyone . But knowing that you can 't obtain something that you want , well it 's just so painful . Then came along infertility . As the years went by , my heart longed even more for a child . I suppose I fell victim to the idea of having a perfect family . I was envious of everyone who could easily have kids . It cut me as deep as that teacher bringing me the apple . I shouldn 't use the past tense . I 'm still envious of people who are in control of their fertility . Maybe even more now . I 'm jealous of women who can have any number of kids they choose . I 'm jealous of women who have husbands around . Even more , I 'm jealous of women whose husbands are wonderful . Some of them don 't even know how amazing their husbands are . I watch couples and families out in public . I know that not every relationship is perfect and that by witnessing a few minutes of interaction doesn 't mean that that 's what 's really happening under thePosted by I found out who has been pranking me . Surprise , surprise ! The number that showed up on the bill is my old phone number . So either Nemo or Elvira has been making the calls . ( and since many of them have occurred during times when Nemo should be at work , I 'm pretty much convinced that it 's Elvira . ) I can 't figure out why . Elvira is someone who controlled my husband from day one . Stayed with him when she found out he was married , and I pregnant . Has a child and a house of her own . After Nemo and I divorced , she moved into my house . So now she has my husband , my house , my stuff ( had to leave alot ) , so I can 't figure out what more she would want from me . Why can 't I just be left alone ? Note : I have to wait until next month 's phone bill to see the rest of the calls . But I will be following up with the police . I 'm unsure if I 'm going to broach the subject with Nemo again or not . Lucian 's been sick . I took him to the doctor who said it was just a cold . I 'm relieved that it 's not something worse because his cough sounds pretty bad . I 've been very lucky in that Lucian has been healthy . He 's had colds , but hasn 't needed anything stronger than an over the counter medicine . My Mom told me that my brother , sister and I were always sick as kids . She was at the doctor constantly with one of us . So I realize that with all the other problems and hassles I 'm having to deal with , a sick kid isn 't one of them . Even with his cold , Lucian slept through the night . Everything seems better with a decent night 's sleep . But I 'm off to take a nap . I 'm still worn out . A while back , Nemo told me that he was no longer seeing Elvira . Of course , I didn 't believe him . I believe nothing that he tells me because he lies about everything . But I was hopeful that she was out of the picture . I don 't want Lucian in her presence . Today I spoke with an old neighbor friend of mine . She told me that Elvira and her daughter are still living in the house . ( her daughter has been enrolled there in school since I moved out ) She said that she rarely sees Nemo , but that there 's alot of activity at the house . People coming and going . Luckily , Lucian is not spending any time there . And won 't anytime soon . That 's what matters the most . How am I supposed to build trust on lies ? Our anniversary occurred right after the voting day incident . Nemo 's parents invited us out to dinner . Nemo and I had a big argument before we left the house . It was the same old argument about him going out and me being home alone and pregnant . I cried on the way to the restaurant . I was in the middle of the gut wrenching agony of acceptance that my marriage was ending and I could barely keep my emotions in check . I had thought that it would just be the four of us for dinner . But when we got to the restaurant , Jabba and Cruella had invited another couple ( who I liked a lot ) and their newly married son and newly pregnant wife ( who I was meeting for the first time ) . After five minutes of small talk , I couldn 't keep myself together , so I excused myself and went to the bathroom . Where I cried for ten minutes . Or I should say , I hyperventilated quietly in the corner stall for ten minutes . I was absent from the table for a long time . It took me some time to regain my composure . I thought about running from the restaurant . I could see myself sneaking out into the cold fall night air , but good manners forced me to stay . Good manners forced me to tolerate a whole lot of things that I shouldn 't have . I finally returned to the table . No one said a word to me about why or how long I was gone . No one commented on how red my nose was or how bloodshot my eyes were . The topics of marriage and babies were the only things covered that night . Nemo squirmed uncomfortably in his chair . He took a dozen phone calls . Played with his phone even more than that text messaging . Now I know that it was Elvira , but at the time he 'd rattle off some friend 's name - oh it 's George wanting to know something about the ballet , or some other nonsense . I tried to hold up my part of the conversation . Let me tell you how difficult it is to be talking about marriage and babies when your marriage is falling apart and no one knows , and your baby is almost due , but was conceived with a lot of effort and he 's not really your husband 's , and your husband 's not actinPosted by When I was nine months pregnant , my feet were so swollen I had to wear sandals ( in blustery cold November ) , I couldn 't feel my left arm , and I was physically and emotionally exhausted . Yet , I had to put that damn baby swing together . It took me two days . I was determined that with all the chaos , my child should have a place to swing . Of course , he didn 't really care for the swing , but at least he had it available . I spent other days putting together the exersaucer , play gym , pack - n - play and bouncer . I 'm not normally an angry person , but I swore up a storm trying to get that stuff together . Nemo wouldn 't help me put any of that stuff together . He kept saying tomorrow or next weekend . So I finally just did it all myself . He wouldn 't help me register for the baby shower either . I tried pushing him and it didn 't work . So I had my Mom go with me , and I disguised it as getting her help because I thought she would know more about baby stuff . ( when in reality , both of us were utterly confused - it had been thirty years since she 'd used any of that stuff , and a lot had changed ) Nemo 's parents bought us the crib and furniture . I couldn 't get him to go with me to pick it out . I went with Cruella and I remember being on the phone with Nemo trying to get some input from him . He just kept saying - choose whatever you like . It was incredibly frustrating . We had always made purchases together . Then when the store called to tell me the furniture was in , it took me another week to get Nemo to pick it up . My friends kept asking me when I was going to be getting the furniture because the baby was coming soon , and I couldn 't come up with enough excuses as to why Nemo wasn 't involved or excited . It was finally set up a week before I had Lucian . I was so stressed that my baby wouldn 't have somewhere to sleep . The one thing Nemo helped me with was the stroller . Probably because all we really needed to do was remove it from the box and unfold it . I was naive enough at the time that I thought - maybe he 's coming around and really trying to helpPosted by Less than two hours after I posted about the prank calls last night , my cell phone rang . I was wondering who it could be , because only a few people know the number , and I had spoken with all of them earlier in the day . I look at the number , and it says private call . So I answer it , and get the same thing : silence , and hang up . I immediately went to tell my Dad in the next room . But before I took three steps , the house phone rang . The same thing happened . This time in particular , I could hear someone there . And they stayed on the line just a fraction of a second longer before hanging up . Now I know that whoever is calling , is someone that is targeting me . It is someone that has access to both my home and cell phone numbers . I 'm even more convinced that it 's related to Nemo in some way . I wish this person would just tell me what they want and leave me alone . Two weeks ago I mentioned that I 'd had two late night phone calls from a private number . Last week , there was another , but it was in the morning . My Dad immediately called the police . A policeman was at our door within fifteen minutes . ( I was extremely impressed with his expeditiousness . ) Anyway , he was really nice and great about it and did a report . However , unless the calls had been a lot greater in number , they can 't do much about it . Still , I felt better knowing that it 's been documented . This week , it was the same day of the week , the same exact time in the morning , and the phone rang again . Private number , and they hung up . The policeman suggested that maybe it was a telemarketer . Besides the fact that in my experience those calls come up unavailable , not private number , I don 't know of any telemarketers that call in the middle of the night . I do , however , know of a str * ipper that likes to make late night phone calls . My bet is on Nemo . I don 't necessarily think that it 's him , because I just can 't see the sense in that ( although , he 's done a lot of things that don 't make sense ) . But directly or indirectly , I think the calls are related to him . I got a new glucose meter tonight . I 'm super excited . It 's the One Touch Ultra 2 . I 've been currently using the UltraSmart , and before that , I used the Ultra , before that the FastTake . I had one of the early glucose meters back in the eighties that required a lot of blood , and a skilled technique . So I 've used alot of meters in my day . What I 'd like to know is - does anyone bother to consult a diabetic when they design these products ? I switched from the FastTake to the Ultra because of the shorter timing ( 15 secs to 5 secs ) and ultimately , because LifeScan was phasing out the FastTake . I used the Ultra for quite awhile . I was pretty happy with it . But the case didn 't have a place for the poker . It was hard to test on the run , with that stupid poker always falling out . There wasn 't a backlight either . I switched to the UltraSmart because I thought all the bells and whistles on it would be fun . I 'd be able to do cool graphs and notice trends . However , a few months later , I realized that I 'm one of those diabetics ( please don 't call me brittle ) where there 's no pattern , no rhyme or reason half the time . So I gave up using all the extra features . The UltraSmart was bulkier than the plain Ultra but I kept using it because it had a backlight . Which I never was able to use because every time you 're in the dark trying to test , the place you really want to see is the hole where the test strip goes , and if you 've gotten the blood on it correctly . If you use the backlight in the dark , it blinds you and you can 't see the strip at all . Which is so helpful when you 're getting the error message of " not enough blood " . Hello ! If I could have seen where to put it , I would have had enough blood ! I 'd heard about the new Ultra 2 and was interested in it for the main reason of it being smaller ( with a smaller case too ) and yet still having a backlight . This backlight will also light up the strip , but it 's not bright enough to actually see if you 've gotten enough blood on the strip . Here 's my list of ideas I would like my glucose meter to havPosted by On the advice of my lawyer , I had lots of documents subpoenaed for the divorce settlement . Even though I live in a no - fault state , I wanted to have the evidence on my side . Also , it enabled me to find out key pieces of information that Nemo had been keeping from me . So first , I requested his phone bill . His company paid for his cell phone , so the bills all went there and I never got to see them . What initially started as a good thing ( us not having to pay the phone bill ) , helped Nemo in his affair . You know it was bad that the paperwork didn 't just come in a mere envelope . Nope , it was a box . Approximately fifteen months worth of phone bills . At the start of 2004 , I recognized all the numbers . By March , there were a few unknowns ( which I later found to be Elvira and friends ) . And then to the most recent month , April 2005 , where I didn 't recognize anything but my own number sporadically . The call number increased tenfold also . I mentioned it here , that I had dry heaves when I saw the phone bill seeing how many times during Lucian 's birth that he had been on the phone with Elvira . I spent hours combing through the phone bill , trying to make sense of it . I highlighted , underlined , and searched phone numbers on - line . Finally , I realized that with the sheer number of calls , there was no way that I 'd be able to make any sense of it at all , so I mostly concentrated on memorable dates . It ended up being a very expensive endeavor , all this subpoena - ing . It did help me to have things in writing though . Helped drill reality into my head by seeing it in black and white . It 's a bitter pill to swallow when you find out that not only does your husband have someone else , but that he carried it out in such a cruel way . Ironically , right before the divorce was final , I had a conversation with Elvira who told me that she would love to have a look at the phone bills . She didn 't trust him either . Gee I wonder why ? Last night , we had a reprieve . Nemo called and said that he was stuck at work and wouldn 't be able to make his parenting time . I got Lucian to bed early , and I had a night to myself , so I 'm not complaining , but I am wondering . Was Nemo really working late ? And , what would I do if I was relying upon him to babysit during that time ? What if I had a job ? I believe that Nemo is currently taking advantage of his parenting time because of his family . I don 't have it all figured out , but I think it goes something like this : Nemo 's parents want to be a part of Lucian 's life . ( as grandparents , their time is derivative of Nemo 's ) Nemo can not afford his lifestyle , let alone the child support he has to pay . His parents give him money . They threaten to take the money away if they don 't get to see Lucian . So Nemo calls me , and I bring Lucian over and Nemo gets his money . I feel like it 's a big farce . The whole situation is so fake , I can hardly stand it . I 'm a sincere and genuine person . I have a hard time lying or pretending . ( I 'm more likely to not notice your haircut , then to compliment it - you know , the if - you - can 't - say - anything - nice rule ) And this situation to me is a charade . At some point , it 's going to come crashing down . Some believe ( the legal system for one ) that any father is better than no father at all . I 'm not outwardly arguing this point . But being that Nemo is not the sperm donor and that I have never seen him actually be a father to Lucian , it just feels so fake . I 'm repeating myself here . Sorry . How long will I have to tolerate this joke ? And Nemo 's already called for tomorrow night . Ugh . I 'm a 30 - something mom to a wonderful little boy named Lucian , who was conceived using a sperm donor and IUI . Previous to that , I did IVF twice . I 've had type 1 diabetes for almost twenty - five years and have used an insulin pump for eight . I 'm currently using the Deltec Cozmo . I 'm divorced from Nemo , who left me while I was pregnant . I 'm currently single , without a job , and living with my parents . I 'm not a writer , just someone with a story to tell . All events are factual to the best of my memory . Names are changed to protect the not - so - innocent .

Reading week quickly came up during first semester . I didn 't have any plans - just figured I would get caught up in my school work or try to get ahead . I was also looking forward to touring London and I had started to make some good friends and was occupying myself with them . I still thought about M alllllll the time , but I forced myself not to message him and I 'm proud to say I didn 't . I think it 's pretty important to respect what he had asked of me . On the Tuesday night of reading week I got a message from a friend of mine , Greg . Greg and I were best friends during most of university , but the summer before I went travelling and ultimately met M , Greg told me he was in love with me . I told him he was in love with the idea of being in love with his best friend , but that he wasn 't really in love with me . Greg had only ever had relationships that started in a club with a hook up and were kind of messy the whole way through . He 's cheated on every girlfriend he 's ever had and he has told me on occasions he intends to get married at least twice . . . Boyfriend material ? I think not . But best friend material ? Absolutely . Greg is super fun . We like the same things . He always makes me laugh . I indulge him in conversations that no one else will because they think he 's nuts , which he is of course , but it 's all part of his charm . It works for him . And he takes good care of friends ; he would move mountains for them without even being asked to . We met because we were neighbors in first year university . There was a brief flirtation , but it never amounted to anything . I started dating someone else ( the neighbor on the other side - oh boy ! ) and he started his recurring weird club hook up patterns . But we still hung out , watched movies , talked for hours , studied together , and just had fun ! Throughout the first three years of university it pretty much went on like this . Then we drifted a bit , he moved further , we had opposite schedules . . . but any time we saw each other it was always like we 'd never been apart . Once I started dating M things got difficult . Greg really didn 't like M . M didn 't like the drama that Greg could cause , and eventually I was forced to pick who I wanted to spend my time with . Obviously , M won - it was never even a contest in my mind . Back to the Tuesday night , Greg said that he was sitting in the airport on his way to Budapest for the week by himself to deal with some family stuff and he thought I should get on a plane and come meet him . Greg 's mom had lived in Budapest for the majority of his life . His parents were divorced and his mother had passed away about a year ago . She left everything to him and he needed to go and deal with final bank transfers and land titles and what not . At first I thought he was nuts , and then I thought a little more . The more I thought about it , the better of an idea it seemed to be . I was off school for a week . I wanted to travel around Europe while I was in London . It was a free place to stay in Hungary , which was not a place I probably would have thought to go to . It was a new experience . I could work from there . . . What was the point of living in Europe if I didn 't have some fun with it ? Now , I won 't pretend I am entirely naive and innocent in this situation . I clearly knew that if I went something would happen . If you want the honest truth , which is massively embarrassing to put down in writing , I was terrified at the idea of being with someone other than M . It had been 3 and a half years . I was used to M , it was amazing with M , M knew my body and I knew his , and it was comfortable in a not - lazy - sort - of - way . But , at some point I was going to hook up with someone else and Greg seemed like a really good place to start . I knew how Greg felt about me and I also knew that some of those feelings were still lingering - he would be very honest about that whenever he saw me . So , as nervous as I was , I bought a ticket for Thursday departure and Sunday return . Greg was adorable . He sent me an itinerary of what we should do , and instructions about what taxis to take and which not to take , exchange rates , languages , weather , and everything else under the sun . He messaged me to make sure I wouldn 't miss my flight on Thursday . He was just really thoughtful . I was still nervous . I had two glasses of wine on the airplane . Once I landed I exchanged some money and hoped into a cab . Greg was waiting for me at his place . He gave me a quick tour and , to my large relief , showed me my room with my own bed . I dropped my stuff and we decided to head out for dinner . We went to a local restaurant . The food was amazing , like really amazing ! ! ! And of course there was wine . We talked about everything . We started with a big catch up about our lives in general . He was telling me about his grad school that he 's almost done , and I told him all about London and my old job . Things snapped back to exactly how they were 5 years ago when we were closest . We laughed a lot . We talked about his mom a bit . We talked about my family too . By the end of dinner the bottle of wine was gone . We headed back to his place , where we continued to drink . At the end of next bottle of wine the topic of M finally came up . Posted by I poured my heart out . Told him how much I missed him and how I felt so bad telling him . That it was a million times harder than I ever thought it would be to be away from him . I told him everything I felt and I apologized for leaving and for doing this to us . I apologized a million times over . For leaving , for messaging him , for being a mess . . The messages were devastating . I reread them now and I can feel how sad I was then . He read the messages and responded " It 's ok . I 'm at work . " And that was it . I didn 't hear another word out of him . That only broke my heart more . I don 't know what I was expecting or thinking that he would say . I don 't know why I thought it would make me feel better . It really only made me feel worse . And to have him say so little back exacerbated the pain further for me . S was right - it was a REALLY bad idea to message him . The next day , I messaged him and just apologized for the messages and assured him it wouldn 't happen again . He said one slip up in 2 weeks wasn 't so bad and that it was ok . He was kinder than he was the night prior . But , really there was nothing either of us could say or do to make everything feel better . According to everyone else , it would just take time . I tried to stop looking for excuses to message him . I tried to keep myself occupied and not think about him . But a few days later I found an excuse to message him . . . See , I had agonized over this point . Do I ask to Facebook break up ? Do I wait for him to do it ? Should I just take it down ? What if he just took it down ? Maybe I should give it another week or so ? How does one tactfully initiate the Facebook break up ? Why did I ever even put our status on Facebook ? What am I , nuts ? ! It seems like it should be simple , but in reality it is anything but ! More questions abound as I thought about it further . Would he think I wanted to Facebook break up so other people could see I was single ? Do I need to explain why I want to Facebook break up ( even though it seems self - explanatory ) ? Will he be offended by the Facebook break up ? Maybe he had just forgotten ? I swear , even I got bored of my own thoughts . And really , what did a Facebook break up represent that a real life one didn 't ? How come it seemed more complicated to get M off my computer screen than moving my whole life to London ? ! What can I say ; we live in a digital world . It had been about 2 . 5 weeks now , my friends kept telling me to bite the bullet and do it already . I think part of me was procrastinating because it was comforting for me to have the internet still think we were dating - and yes , I am aware the internet can not actually think on its own , but you know what I mean ! ! ! It was comforting to have M still be in my extended world in some way . Finally , I messaged him ; I asked him when he had a moment if we could chat . A little while later he answered and I just went for it and said ' I think we need to Facebook break up . ' The sentence in and of itself is entirely ridiculous . But , he agreed and said he had thought about it and was sorry he hadn 't brought it up before . I felt silly , but like I also needed to justify why I was asking . I explained it wasn 't that I had met someone new , or was even looking for that , but that it was more that I needed to begin to let go of him and since I was going on Facebook quite a bit ( when I couldn 't sleep especially ) it was too hard for me . He said he entirely understood . We chatted a bit more after that . He told me about his plans to move , and his friends and his family . I told him a bit about my life in London . Part way through he apologized to me . He acknowledged that he had been short but that it was difficult to talk to me . He knew for me that talking made me feel better , but for him it made him feel worse . I was crushed . But , I told him I understood what he was saA The next few days flew by . It was a mix of spending time at his apartment or spending time at home . My dad had some surgery so I fit in going to the hospital as well . I never wanted the day to end , I just wanted to be with M and in his arms . I was a masochist - I felt so sad when I was with him but also at my best . In the end we had 3 extra days together . Towards the end , I could feel him begin to pull away from me . He was preparing for what was coming . I didn 't want to , or know how . When we first got together M told me : First loves are hard . It wasn 't the love part that was hard . It was the goodbye . On the day that my visa came through I was at his house . He walked me to my car , he kissed me , and he turned around and left . I had no idea , couldn 't conceive , of what I was losing and that as he walked out of the parking lot he was really walking out of my life . He told me we would talk the first few weeks that I was there - help me to get settled and hear about my adjustment . But things were different the second that car door closed . I could tell that the part of him that was slowly pulling away was now closed off entirely . He asked me to message when I boarded and when I landed so he could know I was safe . I did . He was nice - but he wasn 't my M anymore . He wasn 't mine . My mom headed down to London the day before I did , with her best friend . I got off the plane and took the tube to meet them . I put my bags down and immediately we started looking at apartments . By the end of the day I had signed a lease and bought linens and other household items . We didn 't waste any time . I was tired and exhilarated and super excited to be in London and start school . The first night we went for dinner and I slept in the hotel with my mom . She fell asleep quickly and in the quiet that finally surrounded me in my lonely cot I realized for the first time in 3 years I wouldn 't be calling or messaging M to say goodnight . The tears came quickly and quietly . Eventually I fell asleep . I spent the next day with my mom trying to get my life in order . At the end of the night I wanted to sleep in my apartment , be alone and allow myself sometime to breathe but she insisted I stay at the hotel again . I was overwhelmed . I couldn 't bear to be surrounded by people and noise any more . I needed to find my own quiet . My mom fell asleep early again . I went and sat in the bathroom . I took a shower . I sat in the bathroom some more . More tears came . I messaged M - he answered briefly . He was busy , but glad I found an apartment and hoThe next day we spent some time shopping . My mom was leaving that afternoon . We sat down and had some lunch before she left . She got a bit sentimental about leaving me in Europe . She had gotten used to the idea that I might be home for the year . Having that idea torn away so quickly was a lot to adjust to in such a short amount of time . But she was incredibly proud . Sounded so much like what M had told me just a few days before . . . She left and I went back to my apartment . I found the quiet and solitude I needed for a few hours . I took another shower and a nap . I was a pretty big mess for the next 4 or 5 days . A zombie . I don 't remember many of the classes , I don 't remember meeting people , I don 't remember smiling . I was tired . I couldn 't sleep . Being in bed alone felt so foreign - especially because I didn 't have a count down in mind . When I lived in Boston or Montreal we always had a count down - knew when we would see each other next . It was never much longer than 4 weeks . But this . . . this wasn 't like before . This was lonely and I didn 't have a calendar to tick off dates , because there was no particular date to count down too . The second Friday rolled around quickly and S had decided I 'd been sulking for too long . I think I was just so shell shocked at how alone I felt . She decided we were going out and I was going to have a good time ! She came over , made me get all dressed up , and out we went . I put on a happy face and half way through the night I actually began to believe it . The drinking helped - I had a few drinks , and then I drank some more . I felt more like myself than I had since I got to London . But at the end of the night - when I would usually be heading back to M 's apartment to crawl into bed with him - I headed home alone . When I finally got home I sent S a message telling her I missed M . She knew where the conversation was headed . She begged me not to message him while I was drunk . Told me to sleep on it and if I wanted to message him in the morning I should do it then . I wasn 't in a state to be reasoned with . I messaged him anyways . Posted by I caved . I wanted to be with M on his birthday , I wanted to see him again . I didn 't care how much it hurt . I submitted my visa papers on the Wednesday and I knew by my calculations I wouldn 't get them back before October 1st . It meant I would miss orientation week - but from what I had heard that wasn 't really a big deal . I didn 't tell M I purposefully delayed my departure , because I knew he would tell me I was being silly ( though secretly appreciating it ) . M wouldn 't be back until that Sunday night . I told him I would get him at the airport and we could do whatever he wanted on his birthday . He thought that was an excellent birthday gift . In the interim , I had to think of a really birthday present . I initially had wanted to get him a digital picture frame , but after some thought I decided it wouldn 't be wise to get him something that was so sentimental . What do you get for the boy you are madly in love with but breaking up with ? ! Not really an easy feat ! I struggled with it for a few days , and then finally found the perfect gift . M had lost his wallet so I got him a black leather one with his initials on it . I had also noticed in Mexico that M 's toiletries were scattered everywhere ! So I got him a toiletry case as well with his initials . M was practical and preferred practical gifts , so I figured this would do the trick . M was meant to land around midnight on the Sunday . That same night my family had one of our twice - yearly big family dinner with the entire extended family ( we 're talking close to 45 people ) - I was actually really pleased to still be home for it . I left my cell phone in my purse throughout dinner . I figured I would check it around 9pm when M was going to take off from his layover . When I finally did check the phone there were 6 missed calls and some voice messages that were entirely incomprehensible about Corpus Christi . I had no idea what M was going on about . His text messages weren 't any easier to decipher . He kept sending the words Corpus Christi and angry words about his flight … finally I found a text with the words rerouted and delayed . I figured he had probably been trying to message me while he was making his way through the airport and that 's why the texts were still so incomprehensible . It wasn 't until his sister called me and said that M had been rerouted to the Corpus Christi airport that I finally understood what the poor man was talking about ! ! I called him a few times and got his voicemail - I had hoped that was a good sign and it meant that he was in the air . No such luck . About 20 minutes later he called me back . His voice sounded deflated - he would have to stay in Corpus Christi overnight . No flights home until 10 . 30 am the next day ( his birthday ) , and to top it off the airline refused to pay for the hotel . He was not a happy camper . He was going to have to spend half his birthday on an airplane . The next morning he sent me a message as he boarded . I was trying to finish all my packing before he landed so that ' Hey babe , where are you ? ' It was M . I knew he was outside and I 'd missed the chance to surprise him . I asked him where he was and went to find him . We walked back to the car and loaded in his bags . He looked exhausted . I kissed him . ' Happy Birthday M . ' That night M 's dad made us dinner . We all played cards afterwards . M 's dad was fascinated by our decision to stay together until I left , by my decision to come to Mexico , and the most fascinated by the fact that I hid my little trip from my family . I suppose I understand how that can be confusing . . . I just didn 't want to deal with their opinions about it . I needed to go to Mexico to see M for me . It was something I had to do for myself . For whatever semblance of an ' us ' there was left . . . I needed to do it . The trip was short but it felt longer than I thought it would . We had sex in the mornings before his dad woke up and at night after he was asleep . We played cards and took hot tubs . We were just together . No work , no distractions , nothing but an escape for us . We had decided that if I did come to Mexico we wouldn 't have the same conversation a hundred times . We had decided on the terms of breaking up and knew what we needed to do with that time if we wanted to be in a position to be talking about potentially getting back together . We talked about our fears and we talked about how to help each other move forward . A few more tears ensued , but really it was just a beautiful romantic two days . On the last night M 's dad was ready to go to bed by 8pm , but somehow we got into a conversation that kept the three of us up together until 11 . 30pm . At first I felt frustrated that our last night together alone was shortened , but M was so glad to have had me share the time with his dad . He worries so much about his dad and he knows he won 't be around forever . He was so happy to share it with me and I felt happy just for that . It ended all too soon . M and Manny took me to the airport . M sat with me in the back and I held on to him as best as I could . They were silent tears , but they were there . The drive felt shorter on the way back to the airport but I never wanted it to end . Once we got to the airport we checked me in . Manny gave M and I some time alone . I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest all over again . I was sobbing . I didn 't want him to leave me at the airport . We waited to the last second for me to go through security . I tried to breathe in as deeply as I could to remember his smell . I tried to remember his touch , the sound of his voice , the warmth of his body . . . I tried to commit it all to memory . I hoped it would somehow make it better , easier . . . I cried my way through security and through most of the way through the flight back to Dallas , my layover , until I finally fell asleep . I woke upon landing feeling groggy and oddly empty . Would I see M again ? Was that it ? Would we talk anymore ? We said we would . . . but only for a few more days to try and adjust . What did that mean ? My head hurt , my eyes were puffy , and it felt like I had been hit by a bus . I gathered my belongings and hobbled off the airplane to head to my next boarding gate . I had a few hours to kill and my stomach was starting to grumble . . . There was a Mexican place and the food looked good . It was enough to momentarily distract me from my own thoughts and I sat myself down at a booth . It was noon - but I figured it had to be 5pm somewhere in the world ! I ordered a shot of tequila and a blue margarita and told the waitress to surprise me in terms of food . She brought me some tacos and I mashed them up into a taco salad . The tequila shot made my brain quiet down and the margarita made my stomach feel warm . I messaged B and S to let them know I was alive and well and that the weekend in Mexico had been amazing and exactly what I needed . Then I called my sister , J , to ask for a huge favor . I had said that I would be back in time for family dinner but I was really cutting it close . I called her cell phone and it rang twice before she answered . I could feel the stunned silence through the phone , but she readily agreed after repeatedly saying ' you 're where ? ! ' I promised I would explain when I got back home . I gave her my flight number and she was waiting for me upon landing . I climbed into her car and was greeted with an expectant face . I told her about the weekend and how it was amazing and the proper goodbye that I needed . She was supportive albeit a bit shocked . She had a million questions . Questions I was too tired to answer and questions I didn 't have real answers too . Before we pulled up to my grandma 's she asked me ' So , when will you see him next ? ' I didn 't have an answer . If my visa came in before he came back , I had no idea when I would see him next . And while I desperately wanted to get to London , M 's birthday was on the 30th of September , which was just a few days after I expected the visa if all went well . I so desperately wanted to be with him on his birthday . . . leaving the day before it just seemed senseless ! Maybe I would see him sooner than I had thought when I left him this morning . . . but then maybe I wouldn 't . . . Would a third goodbye feel even worse ? How much torture was I ready to subject myself to ? And which was more torture , not seeing him or seeing him and saying goodbye again ? I really didn 't know . M was easy enough to spot . He 's over 6 feet and has curly hair . You can 't miss him really . My heart did a sommersault . I couldn 't get to him fast enough . . . the distance between us was unbearable . I literally almost ran to him , but contained myself enough in the airport so as to not look like a completely crazy person . As the distance closed between us I could feel my whole body relax . Finally in his arms and kissing him , everything felt right again . I felt like I was home . M was waiting for me with Manny . I hadn 't even noticed him at first . Manny helped M 's dad out while he was in Mexico and was picking me up from the airport because neither M nor I thought it wise to attempt to drive in the streets of Guadalajara . In my excitement to be reunited with M , I didn 't even notice when we started walking towards the car , or when M took my bag , or that it was raining outside . All I noticed was his hand in mine and how good it felt to be with him again . I really hadn 't thought we would get another chance to be together before I left . I couldn 't bear the thought that we didn 't know the last time we slept in his bed would be the last time . Or the last time we 'd had sex was the last time I would get to be with him and we didn 't know . I 'd felt cheated out of a proper goodbye and out of closure . Though , in case you couldn 't tell , I certainly wasn 't truly ready for it . I was still so in love with M , and I don 't think I was even able to recognize just how much I was in love with him at the time . I knew we needed more time together . I needed more time with him . I needed him to know what he meant to me . We put my back in the car and headed off to the condo . M sat in the back seat with me during the car ride . I couldn 't stop touching him . I think I made him hold my hand for the whole 45 minute car ride . Sometimes I used to be sitting right next to M and I could still feel like I wasn 't close enough and that I needed to be even closer - three and half years later and I still felt the same way . The drive to the condo was beautiful and Manny shared some of the local history . Work had taken me to Mexico and forced me to learn the politics and health system and so I was able to share some stories too . M , always my biggest supported egged me on . He was always so proud to let other people know what I did , he loved my accomplishments as if they were his own . It was also nice to share with M some of the places that I had seen for work . I felt like he was able to understand more about my life , my job , my passion for health and why I was leaving to keep pursuing it . Upon arrival at the condo we went inside and I settled my stuff in M 's room . He showed me the rest of the condo and the condo grounds . It was a happy little oasis . I felt my whole body relax . Part of it was being in the warmth of Mexico , but most of it was just being in the same room as M . His energy always made me feel better . I felt calm for the first time since finding out I had gotten into school . My brain quieted a little . M 's dad came to say hi quickly and then left the condo to head to the supermarket and give us some privacy . About a minute after we were sure he was gone we were all over each other . Only problem was , about 2 minutes after that my emails started coming , and my Skype and cell phone stared ringing . Non - stop . It was my boss - freaking out ! ! ! ! I was 30 minutes late for a call that I actually hadn 't even known about . We were trying to finish a project . I was the lead coordinator . She needed me . I tried to make the call go as quickly as possible . . . but the moment was lost . Here I was picking work over M , when I was trying so desperately to show him how much he mattered to me . He understood though , it was a work day . It was the last call . He always understood . . . By the time I was done M 's dad was due back any minute . I stood there feeling lost all over again . Posted by * Whoops this was saved accidentally instead of posted . Bear with me ! ! I 'm still learning . I landed in Dallas Fort Worth airport and turned on my phone . It was only a couple of hours to the Dallas from home so I figured if my dad realized I left before him there would be a message waiting when my phone finally booted up . The paranoia I felt before the flight had subsided a bit , at this point what could be done anyways ? I was half way to Mexico . Excellent ! No one else would question where I was . By now it was 9 : 30 am in the morning at home . Seemed like a reasonable hour to say I was headed off to a cottage . I fired off a message to my dad and my mom saying I was headed to the cottage but that it had limited cell service and so if they couldn 't reach me not to worry and that I 'd see them Sunday night . Big lie - but I would be turning off my cell service and only hook my phone up to the internet , so messages would only come through when I was near wifi . I figured since I had started a lie , I had better play it out properly . . . Not my finest hour . I know . The layover was a long one . I had some work to do and a nifty little internet stick courtesy of my office , so I went to my next boarding gate with my carry - on bag and fired up my laptop . I started to get down to business when my cell rang . It was my boss . Technically , yes , it was a workday and I had not notified my office that I was going on a trip . Since my first flight was so early it didn 't impact the start of my day much , and since the layover was quite long I figured I 'd fit in a bunch of work and then work through the next flight and that would account for a day full of work . The only thing I forgot was my boss was a little intense if you will . I clicked ignore on my cell - no long distance plan for chatting - and Skyped her back . We chatted for a good 30 minutes . Finally she said ' Are you in an airport ? ! ' Pesky little loud speaker almost gave me away - or did give me away and my boss was just gracious . I continued on my hot streak of lies and told her the internet at my house was down due to construction on my street so I had gone to a coffee shop ; perhaps she was hearing background noise ? Brutal lie and totally unbelievable . What coffee shop has a loud speaker ? I turned on my mute button for the remainder of the time I wasn 't talking so at the very least she would hear minimal boarding calls . We chatted for about another 45 minutes and then I was left to my own devices to continue working . I advised her that I would be out of reach for a few hours later in the day . Before I knew it my layover time was up and I was boarding the flight to Guadalajara . I couldn 't wait to get there . I sat on the plane . Waited for lift off and once we were safely in the sky continued to work . Before I knew it I was touching down . I was there ! I would see M again , smell him again , touch him again . . . be with him again . The anticipation was too much ! I got off the plane with my minimal luggage - very handy when you are too excited to wait to disembark , never mind a baggage terminal . I moved as quickly as I could to get to customs . The Spanish I learned in high school and then had to attempt to use at my job came in quite handy . The customs officer asked me how long I would be in Mexico . I responded ' Dos días . ' He looks at me curiously and said ' Doce or dos ? Twelve or two , miss ? ' I reaffirmed ' Dos . Two . ' He stamped my passport , a lovely green stamp , and off I went . There was another line when you exited customs - didn 't these people know I was in a rush ! ! ! ! You had to have your bags scanned , walk through a machine , and then push a button . If you pushed the button and the light turned green you could go through , if the light was red you would be stopped and searched . Green , green , green , green , and then it was my turn . Wouldn 't you have guessed it ! ? RED . Good heavens ! I thanked myself for packing light once again . I was thoroughly searched . They asked a few questions . I answered all of them . The last one they asked in Spanish ' Are you carrying more than $ 10 , 000 . ' My smartass response ? ' Solo en mi sueños . . . ' The guard looked at me curiously , laughed and waved me through . Then M got upset . I begged him not to be upset with me . Turns out he wasn 't ! He was upset with his mom . He was so sad she had managed to talk me out of being on an airplane that second . He wanted me there . He missed me . He still loved me . I felt like I could breathe again . We sat on Skype and he booked me a ticket for the next morning - Friday at 6 : 15 am connecting through somewhere in Texas . It would be a short trip but well worth it . We talked on Skype for a bit longer . He showed me the condo and the gardens over the computer . He told me reading my email was the saddest thing he 'd ever had to do . He had actually arrived at the place and was supposed to go to Wal - Mart with his dad to go get some stuff for the place , but when he saw the title of my email he knew he needed to stay in and read it and resolve it . That night my sister came over with her husband . They tried to make me dinner . I wasn 't hungry . I was too busy thinking about how I was going to tell my family I was disappearing for the weekend . They wouldn 't understand it if I told them I was going to Mexico for the weekend . They 'd say I was nuts to travel so far for such a short time , they 'd say it was too expensive , they 'd say I was prolonging the hurt , maybe they 'd even say it wasn 't safe . It didn 't matter because I wasn 't telling them . I knew they would try to stop me . I told everyone that I was going to B 's cottage for the weekend . That I wanted to be out of the city for the next few days . Everyone seemed ok with it . No one wanted to be around the sad A . The only condition : I had to be back for Sunday night dinner - the last one before I left . Sunday night dinners were tradition with my family : the entire extended family on my dad 's side would get together at my grandmas and she would cook for us . Over the years with the boyfriends , girlfriends , husbands , wives and babies that were added dinner frequently hit 20 - 25 people . If you were in the city or even near the city and didn 't go , you could expect a severe tongue lashing from my grandma - so severe , in fact , that it was never worth missing dinner . We all knew it . And to be honest , none of us liked to miss dinner . We loved to see each other . Catch up once a week and stay in each other 's lives . Having lived out of the country and away from home for so long , I especially loved Sunday night dinners and knew my presence was not optional - especially since I was leaving yet again . I had anticipated this - my ticket had me leaving early Sunday morning so I would be back in time . That 's right . . . I arrived Friday at 2 pm and left Sunday at 9 am . Some might begin to reconsider going . I was resolute . A 6 : 15 am flight meant leaving my house by 4 am . The question was how to get out of the house . . . My mom was out of town , so she was easy enough to evade . My dad had an appointment downtown at 7 , so I 'd have to be outI spent the night hanging out with my dad in his room and after he fell asleep I made sure the alarm was off for the night . Setting off the alarm was a sure fire way to wake my dad . Press one button and he was up . EXCEPT - for the first 20 minutes he was asleep - it 's literally the weirdest thing ever . But I took advantage . Turned it off . I went to my room . Packed my bag and carried it down to the side door that I would leave out of . I went back upstairs . Packed my purse . Set my alarm from 3 : 15 am . I was up by 3 . I wrote a note " Sleeping in , don 't wake me " and left it outside my bedroom door . I called a cab . Snuck out the side door and was waiting for the cab by 3 : 45 am . Just as I was about to get into the cab I realized - car key in my pocket ! GAH ! ! ! I couldn 't take the car key to Mexico . That was not reasonable . I went and slipped it into the mailbox . I figured the cleaning lady would find it . She was there on Friday 's and she always took in the mail . I got to the airport and made it through security by 4 : 30 am . It was so fast ! I was convinced I would be found out . What reason would I have for not being home at this hour ? It would be clear I was lying about something . There 's no way B would have come to get me at 5 am to go to the cottage . That 's insane . I got totally paranoid . I tried to distract myself with work from my job . I fired off a bunch of emails . Got through a ton . It was now 6 am - my dad would be up . How come he hadn 't messaged ? He knew - for sure - I was going to be caught . . . oh crap . But nothing came . No one knew . I got s crazy at one point I even messaged myself to make sure my phone was working and borrowed someone 's cell to call my own . Finally it was time to board . If I were going to get caught now it would be too late . I 'd be in the air . I boarded the plane . Turned off the phone and hoped for the best ! ! I finally calmed down enough to drive home . All I wanted to do was get into bed and close my eyes and never wake up again . Everything felt heavy . Everything hurt too much . My mom was leaving to go to the airport for a business trip - I saw her round the corner of the street as I was driving towards the house . She called to ask what I was doing driving home at 5 : 45 in the morning . I told her I had just dropped off M . I didn 't want to talk . She tried to comfort me , but it only manage to annoy me . I cut the conversation short and pulled into the driveway . I hated living at home . It had been 7 years since I 'd lived with my parents , but because I had had M 's apartment to stay in and my parents house was so close to the school I had initially been going to , York , it didn 't make sense to move out . I walked into the house and up the stairs . My dad was home . He hollered a hello , wondering if my mom had forgotten something . I told him it was me and I was going back to bed and not to come wake me before he left . There is nothing MORE awkward than my dad when it comes to me and boys . M and I had been together for 3 and a half years , and I visited home infrequently , so occasionally M would sleep at my parents house with me so I could see my parents and see M - to this day , my dad still pretends that M would just show up for breakfast . I 'm not even kidding . Its kind of adorable and kind of uncomfortable at the same time . I dropped everything when I got to my room . Closed the door . Closed the drapes . Closed the blinds . Left the lights off . I crawled under the blankets of my bed and sobbed hysterically into the pillows so my dad wouldn 't hear . Everything hurt - I swear I could even feel pain in the follicles of my hair . I would try to calm myself down and manage a moment or two of silence before sobs would wrack my body all over again . I 'd never felt anything like it . I 'd felt worse pain , I 'd experienced loss before , but not a loss like this - not one that was self - inflicted . I sent my friend B a message . B wasn 't my best friend in the world , but she had recently been through some tough stuff with her bf and I was there for her and I knew she 'd do the same for me . And B was the perfect person to talk to because I didn 't want to talk to my best friends . It made it too real . B knew me , she knew M , she knew us . She didn 't judge . She just listened and did what every girl does - offer to distract me with movies and ice cream . I also messaged S , my best friend in the whole world . She lived in London . She couldn 't have been more happy I was coming - but she knew leaving M would be tough . Somewhere along the lines of talking to them I decided I needed to go to Mexico . I had to follow M . If he could have stayed and given us more time he would have . He would do anything for me . But he was in a situation where his dad needed him and he couldn 't put me first . I had to show him I could put him first , if for no other reason than I needed him to understand how important he was to me . B was a bit skeptical , but supportive nonetheless and S was totally on board . She even offered to book my ticket for me . I went back and forth on subject a bit . Was I really about to get on a plane to Mexico ? Was this making it better ? Was it making it worse ? What did I think I was doing ? Last night , M said he wanted me there - we had decided that we would be together until I left the country , so we could still have time to say goodbye while he was in Mexico . But maybe now that he was on the plane he wasn 't into it anymore . Maybe he just needed to cut me off cold turkey . I tried to message him on his phone . He was in the air . I called again on his layover - his phone was still off . I called Chicago airport on his layover and tried to have them page him . They wouldn 't . I tried to call again when I thought he would have landed in Mexico . Still his phone was off . I was resolute in my head , I was going to Mexico . I found a flight . I almost booked it - and then it hit me : I had no idea where M was in Mexico exactly . I knew what city - but I didn 't have an address . I called his mom to ask if she knew the address . And to my shock - and yet also not shock at all , because this is so typical of his family - she did not have a clue as to what his address was . She didn 't know the name of the real estate agent , or the car company they prearranged . She didn 't even know that they had flown into Guadalajara . Like I said before , the woman is sweeter than sweet but heads in the clouds ! Soon the conversation shifted from where I was supposed to go when I got there to if I should go at all . I hadn 't asked for her opinion ; she gave it to me anyways . I was prolonging the hurt , I was taking M away from his dad , it wasn 't fair to either of us to drag this out , it wasn 't fair to make this time about M and I when it should be about making sure M 's dad got settled in Mexico , I wasn 't going to accomplish anything if I went , we would see where we were in a year , it wasn 't so long . . . and on she went for about 20 minutes . It came from a place of true love , the woman doesn 't have a mean bone in her body and she truly thought she was being helpful and saying what M would say - but it was the worst thing I 'd ever heard anyone say . I sat on the phone with tears streaming down my face trying my best not to cry out loud - trying my best not to make her feel bad for making me cry . . . She broke my heart all over again . I began to doubt myself , doubt that he wanted me to come , doubt that he wanted me at all . I got so wrapped up in my head and what M 's mom had said that I began to think she was right . What was I trying to accomplish anyways ? I know it all sounds dramatic in retrospect , but it wasn 't . We never yelled , we were hardly ever unhappy ; the time we did have together made me happier than I ever even thought possible , and the time apart made me realize why I loved him so much . Watching other couples together and listening to my friends talk about their boyfriends only made me realize that M was the best person I 'd ever known . M made me the best version of myself , and I tried to do the same for him . His support was and is always unwavering . I hope he felt the same in return . I reflect on some of what is on here and I wonder if I am not the most atrocious , hideous person - selfish and mean . I won 't make excuses for our faults as a couple or individuals , I 'll only say that we were real and honest , and we dealt with everything as upfront and honestly as possible . M always knew that I wanted a career that would mean love came second for awhile , which sounds just as bad written out here as I thought it would . But I was always I honest , I was always upfront , and I never misled him . And he showed me the same respect . There were never lies , not intentional ones . There was always trust . I never for a second worried he would be unfaithful and I know he never worried about that either . There is no one either of us wanted to be with more than each other . . . So then how did we end up here , oceans apart . . . I suppose life happened . For one , I suppose I wanted more than life at home and my family wanted that for me - allowed me to go without ever making me feel obligated to them . M has a different situation . I am lucky to have the family that I do , the family that can encourage and push me to achieve my most outrageous dreams . M 's family needs him ; in a way my family doesn 't need me . Back to the day of the letter of acceptance . . . I had dropped M off at his friends , headed back into the city to sort visa and packing issues . My family took me for an impromptu celebratory dinner - as I said before M didn 't want to come . I 'm sure there were a myriad of reasons - leaving the next day to Mexico , not wanting to field the ' what will happen questions ' , not being entirely ready to toast my departure . . . - but still it hurt . I wanted to spend my every waking ( and sleeping ) second with him , yet I knew I also had to give my family the appropriate amount of face time . Dinner consisted of my sister , her husband , my brother , both my parents and my grandmother and me . My sister , recently pregnant , gave us yet another reason to celebrate and it felt good to be able to simply be happy , but without M at the table with me something was just so clearly missing for me . After dinner I drove back out to M 's parents house where we would spend the night . I had offered to drive him and his dad to the airport the next morning at 4 a . m . What a girl in love will do just to get a few more minutes ! I arrived around 10 p . m . M was waiting up for me . It was finally time . It was time to have the talk that I knew would shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces and leave me changed forever . We went out to his dad 's car . It was more private . Just the two of us . As I try to relive this conversation to write it all down it hurts my heart all over again . It started along the lines of M saying ' So , we 're breaking up . . . ' We hashed out the details of what it meant and what we each needed to do with the year if we were ever going to have a real chance of being together again . I needed to spend the year learning about myself and the type of person I wanted to be with , and M needed to spend the year learning about himself and deciding if the life he told me he wanted , really and truly is the life he wants . It seems so simple in writing , but in real life it 's complicated and messy . And while I wish I could share the whole conversation it ' A The amount of times I had wanted to give him an ultimatum , like get a job and quit the bar or else . . . had been innumerable . It was something he had said he wanted but could never make himself do . But in the end , I never wanted to be the person to make him do it . I was so aware of never wanting him to resent me . I was the one who moved away for a job , and had a job that made me travel all the time , how could I push him when I couldn 't even be home to support him . Its hard to tell you the story of us without all the minor back stories too . But Ill try and where questions arise you can always ask . These little italic bits will endeavour to give you some further background . When M and I got together , he had already been in a few serious relationships . This was my first serious relationship . I lost my virginity to M , in every sense . At the beginning of our relationship - before the word relationship was ever even used - M had told me that if this got serious , to the point of forever serious , he knew that I would need to be without him for some period of time to go and explore dating other people . At the time I only half - heartedly agreed . But back to the night where M came over . He came upstairs and sat on my bed . I was so angry and yet all I wanted to do was be in his arms . It was so confusing . He started : he apologized , he knew something was really wrong in his life and he 's been taking it out on other people , he 's trying to accept responsibility , he wants to move forward , he wants to leave the bar , and on the list went , finishing with he was sorry and he loves me . A perfect apology - if we had never been here before . But we had . A few times in the past year . He promised changed , promised wanting change . . . yet , I was constantly waiting for the promised change . Here was the hardest part - I only want for M what he wants for himself . So if he wants to change and leave the bar and move forward and all these other things , he has to want them for himself . Even though more than anything thing I wanted all that for me . I know I have said that I am selfish with M , but this was one area I was always cautious with . If M left the bar solely for me and found a new job he hated - by extension M would wind up hating me . It was a tricky line to walk . I tried to articulate this position to him , it wasn 't one that he hadn 't heard before . But then the conversation changed , in a way it never had before . I told him I didn 't believe him anymore . I told him his words felt empty and like he was only saying what he thought I wanted to hear ( And he was doing an excellent job too ! ) I needed him to be honest with me . Truly honest . Because if the life he had now , was the life he really wanted , then I wouldn 't stand in his way . I also probably would not be in it in the same capacity . There was silence . For a long time . Followed by more silence . And some silent tears on my side . . . M said that to him this was the most serious relationship he 's ever been in and the only one that he wants . He saw forever . I wasn 't sure what I thought . I was terrified of being without him , yet terrified of the thought of never finding out what else was out there - not because I thought it was better - but because I just felt like I needed to know , and wondered if finding someone with aligned dreams was really this difficult . I meekly asked him if he remembered saying at the beginning of our relationship if it got serious he thought that we would need to break up for a little ? He did . M said that every time he thinks about the fact that he said it he kicks himself a little , but still he knew he was right . I asked him when he thought I should take the time . And he said while he never wanted me to do it , and while it seemed impossible for me to do in my own mind , he said the moment that I questioned if I needed it and part of me , even the smallest part of me said yes , then it was time . It would be terrible for us both if 6 years down the line I turned around and felt I had made a mistake . He didn 't want that for either of us . Sometime later in the conversation , without even meaning to , I had the stupid naivete to tell him that part of me wish I had gotten into London because then we wouldn 't have to have the conversation - because it would be the easiest way to take time apart without hurting one another . The second it came out of my mouth I regretted it . I look back now and wonder how I could have been so stupid to have the audacity to think somehow it would hurt less . I am in awe of my heartlessness and lack of compassion . I can NOT imagine sitting where M sat and hearing me say that . I hate myself a lot for that part of the conversation . M deserves better than someone who could be so callous . And yet the thought of him with anyone else churns my stomach . The conversation exhausted us both . I knew that what he had said earlier in the night about the ultimatum was out of anger , and I was still hurt he had said it , but it was late in the night . There was nothing else to be done . We were all talked out . All I wanted was for him to hold me and tell me things were going to be ok . Make me feel safe again like he always did . So we put on a movie , got in to bed , and that 's what he did . He held me , all night long . And fight or no fight it was the best place in the whole world to be . In M 's arms , I was home . And it was the best home I 'd ever known . I spent the rest of the day running around figuring out how I was going to move so quickly ! I had to drop out of the program at York , pack up my life , get a visa , tell friends and family . . . It was a whirlwind . I drove home from M 's friends house and thought . And as I drove back to my house all I could think was - how did we not discuss the elephant in the room ? Maybe he already felt like he knew the answer ? A few weeks back we had gotten into a really big fight - only there were no raised voices , because we never fought like that , rather it was two adults sitting and talking about why they were upset . I had been on a family vacation in Arizona - we talked a bunch while I was gone , but recently something had felt a bit off in our relationship . I think I felt like he wasn 't trying enough to be productive and find work , whereas he felt that he came 2nd to work , and sometimes 3rd to work as well . When I got home from the airport I called him . He was in a foul mood . He was being short and curt and it was making me upset . " What 's wrong I asked ? " I asked . M responded by telling me he got into a huge fight with his dad ( which was not too uncomment because M 's dad had really high expectations for him ) , and his dad had said that he either needs to get it together or stop coming home to see him . You have to understand - that every other conversation with his dad is always about how M doesn 't visit ENOUGH . And the trip for M , if I can 't drive him , is at least an hour . So its always a production for M to go home . M was obviously upset so I let him rant and unload on me over the phone and then he said " Maybe if you told me to get my act together or you wouldn 't speak to me again , then I would do it . " I totally froze . For the past 3 years , the wonderful M had made it clear just how much he HATED ultimatums , and here he was saying that if I had given him one , maybe his life would be more in order . . . I could feel my cheeks getting hot , and then my whole face , and this pit in my stomach started to burn . I decided before I started to say something I would really regret later it was time for me to get off the phone . I said " I can NOT believe you just said that to me , and I understand that you are upset , but you just took one our biggest issues and poured some acid on it . " He knew immediately what he had done . I hung up the phone . I sent him a text a few minutes later that said : " I understand that you were upset and were just saying things , but you just rubbed salt on one of our deepest wounds . You spent three years telling me not to give you an ultimatum , that would leave me if I ever did , and then say if I had your life would be better somehow ? I am so upset right now . I don 't want to talk to you until I am calmer . So please don 't call me . Ill call you . " Maybe a tad dramatic in retrospect ! But I felt like everything I ever fought for with him , every effort I put forth to helping him achieve what he said he wanted was nullified . And I felt like everything he ever said about leave his job at the bar , working regular hours , wanting a stable income in life . . . I felt like that was all nullified too . M had been saying for years all the things that I wanted to hear : he didn 't want to work at the bar forever , he wanted to a real job with a stable income , he wanted the type of life where he could send kids to university Posted by I have just moved across the pond and left behind a truly amazing man . This will be the place that I will come to , to try and make sense of the way that I am feeling . It will mostly be about losing M , but also about starting my life in a new country . There won 't be a regular posting schedule , but I will try to update it once or twice a week . A - MeM - My ex - boyfriendS - My best friend who lives in LondonB - A good friend who is there when you need her

I 'm really sorry guys , but I 'm going through some deep emotional stuffs right now and I can 't really work on April while I 'm like this because it isn 't helping . I am continuing my legacy , as it 's a happy happy happy story which is what I need right now . I apologise that updates haven 't been exactly fast anyway , but I hope to restart in the new year when this will all have hopefully cleared up . I am by no means quitting this story , as I have a lot planned for little April and her friends , just taking a short break to get my mental state back in order and then we 'll be back in business . I 've not really had much time to write this for over a month , I spent the rest of the summer break outside with either Lottie and Justin , or Emily and Travis , or all of them , or a mix of a few of them . I slept over at Lottie 's a few times , or she slept over mine . I stayed at Emily 's a couple of times , but because my Daddy was still staying there then there was only room if Amelia was out . Daddy moves at the weekend . School started back up today . I didn 't want to get up , I 'd got used to sleeping in . I sat next to Emily on the bus , because we both get on at the same stop . Lottie was already on the bus , but she was sat next to Holly , a girl who lives near her and is in our class , Justin didn 't get the bus , and I wondered if he was coming in to school at all , but he told me later that he walked in because he can see the school from his front porch . I guess that makes sense really . We have a seating plan now . A boy - girl one . Emily and Travis are sitting together , I guess nobody told the teacher that they 're boyfriend and girlfriend , and usually the one to do that is Dahlia , but obviously they 're best friends . Justin has to sit next to Dahlia . She kept talking to him all morning , and he 'd keep looking back at me with this desperate ' help me ' look on his face . I know it 's mean , but I couldn 't help but laugh . I hate where I 'm sat . I 'm second from the back , Whitney , the loudest girl in the class is behind me , next to Jared , who used to bully me when we first started school , and I 'm next to Whitney 's twin brother Gavin . Whitney and Gavin kept arguing with each other , and Whitney kept asking me questions and telling me to ' tell him ' whenever Gavin was winning the argument . Jared seemed to enjoy their arguments , and kept grinning at me whenever I 'd turn around to tell them to be quiet . The teacher didn 't seem to notice any of this . I don 't know how I 'll learn anything this year . We start high - school next year ! I hoped to get good grades to look good when we started , but I don 't see that happening now . At lunch break , I met up with Justin and Lottie , and Emily , Travis and Dahlia soon found us too . I don 't even remember what we were talking about , but Jared came out of nowhere and started saying all this weird stuff to me about my parents . Like he thought he knew something . He 's never even met them , and none of us like him because he does nothing but wander around teasing people . I just ignored him , and we all did the same , except Justin . " Sorry , am I offending you ? " He laughed . " Don 't worry , I 'm not after your girlfriend . " I think we were all a bit surprised by the girlfriend comment . I mean , yeah , I 've hung around with Justin more than the others , but that 's mainly just because neither of us had any summer clubs like the others did . But anyway , we didn 't really have time to think about it or defend ourselves , because before I knew it Justin had pounced on Jared and had him on the ground . That was when I remembered how strong Justin was . He carried me almost all the way across town before , even though he 's skinny as ever . He was just punching him , and I could hear Emily and Lottie gasping while Dahlia was laughing about it and cheering him on . Travis looked a bit like he was in shock , and it was obvious then that none of them were going to be any help . So I went in there and started pulling Justin back . Jared spat on the ground before laughing and saying " And your girlfriend saves the day . " Justin looked like he was about to say something back , so I pulled harder on his arm . " Justin ! Leave it ! " I shouted at him , I was suprised by how angry I sounded . He seemed to calm a little , and for a split - second I wondered if what I said had some how calmed him down . " Come with me , young man . " That was when I realised a teacher had come over . He took Justin and Jared off to the principals office . None of us had a lot to say after that , and there wasn 't long left of lunch anyway . On the way back to class , Emily told me to stop worrying , and I was surprised when Justin wasn 't already in the classroom when we sat down . Whitney spent most of the afternoon asking me about the fight . Jared hadn 't come back into class either . Gavin kept telling Whitney to shut up , but I didn 't need him to . I was ignoring her anyway . A note was passed back to me about half past two , it said ' Come round mine after school ? From Dahlia x ' Dahlia ? ! Dahlia invited me to her house after school . I thought back over the day and she 'd been really nice to me all day . Infact , every time I 'd seen her over the summer she wasn 't too unbearable . I looked up and she was looking at me , so I nodded my head yes . She smiled before turning back to her work . Then it sunk in . Dahlia ' Teachers Pet ' Jones had invited me to her house . I didn 't see Justin after school , either . I had guessed he must 've been sent home before that , but I still kind of hoped he 'd be there . Being sent home from school for fighting on your first day isn 't a good start , and I don 't know what his Mum would say . Probably nothing , she doesn 't seem like the type to shout much , and from what Justin has said , she doesn 't really care much what he does . Emily lent me her phone on the bus , as mine is still secret , and I told my mum that I was going to Dahlias . She seemed as surprised as I was , but fine about it . Emily came back with us too . Dahlia 's mum seemed nice , we didn 't see much of her . She was playing with Dahlia 's half - brother , Brandon . He 's really cute ! " I know what you 're going through , April . " I had no idea what she was on about . Literally none . I looked at her a bit blank for a while before she carried on . " With your parents . Mine split up when I was six , my dad cheated on my mum . " I was a bit surprised that she knew why they 'd split . I mean , I had my theories , but my parents won 't tell me anything . I wonder if that 's partly because of the amount of time that 's passed ? I didn 't say anything , and she carried on . " Did they tell you or did you work it out for yourself ? " " About the affair . My dad told me after it happened , to you , I mean . My mum told me about my dad cheating when I was ten and I asked . " " What affair ? " I sort of knew . I worked out something like that had happened by the things they were shouting that night , but I didn 't want to believe it . I looked at Emily and she was staring at Dahlia with a ' shut up ' look on her face . Dahlia looked almost embarrassed . " And why did your dad tell you ? How did he know ? " She was biting her lip now . I wanted to cry . That 's why her dad was all pally with me at the beach earlier in the summer . It seemed so obvious , but I didn 't know . How could I have known ? I don 't even know . I stood up , ready to walk off . I just wanted to be alone , but Dahlia stood quickly as I did , and Emily wasn 't far behind . " Shut up . Just shut up , Dahlia ! You never know when to stop talking and when to mind your own business . " I shouted . I didn 't really know what to say after that , and I do feel bad for shouting because none of this is her fault . It 's my mums fault , and her dads fault . Grown ups always mess things up . " Excuse me , April , but it is my business ! " She replied angrily . She raised her voice a little , but not too much . " If my dad and your mum get married - " " Our parents won 't get married , and we won 't be sisters . " I knew that 's what she was going to say . I didn 't want to hear anymore , and ran round the side of her house and down the road . I turned to look back at the house . I couldn 't work out what just happened , but most of all , why I didn 't seem to care . Why don 't I care that my mother is sleeping with Dahlia 's father ? Why don 't I care that that 's the reason my daddy is moving to Bridgeport in four days ? It just doesn 't matter anymore for some reason . I wondered what to do . There was no way I was going home , I can 't look at my mum the same ever again . So , I headed to my second home , Lottie 's house . Lottie lives on completely the other end of town to Dahlia , but if you cut through the fields it doesn 't take too long . Justin was at the park . Maybe I knew he would be . Maybe that 's why I cut through the park rather than walk down the pathway around it . He was just sitting on the bench , staring at the ground and swinging his legs , and I made him jump when I stood infront of him and spoke . " What happened ? " I demanded . I was still angry about the fight , and the argument with Dahlia . He looked up at me and stopped kicking his legs . " I got suspended . " He said it like it didn 't bother him at all . Well , maybe it doesn 't bother me either . Maybe I don 't care if he fails school . It 's his own stupid fault for fighting . " What did your mum say ? " He just shrugged and went back to swinging his legs and looking at the ground . I knew he didn 't want to talk about whatever happened between him and his mum , so we just stayed silent for a while . " My mum 's having sex with Dahlia 's dad . " My voice broke as I finally admitted it to myself . " I 'm sorry . " He said . I 'll never understand that saying . Why should he be sorry ? He didn 't do anything . " Did she tell you ? " He asked , pulling away . I shook my head no . " I 'm going to see if I can spend the night at Lottie 's . " I spoke up finally . " I don 't want to see my mum right now . " He nodded his head , agreeing with my idea . When I told Lotties mum about what Dahlia said , she hugged me and said she 'd talk to my mum . They 've set me up in the spare room so we can all sleep in a bed , and get some sleep . Usually when I stay over and it 's not a school night , I either top - and - tail with Lottie , or sleep on the floor in her room , but they wanted us to sleep properly . Wow . Sorry for the wait . :| Basically , I wrote the chapter literally months ago , as in , this could have been ready two weeks after the last one if I 'd just got on with it . Then I realised I had to make almost every pose , then I procrastinated for about a month , because it 's what I do best , then I finished all the poses and went to double - check I had all I needed , and ended up re - writing half of it , and needing different poses to the ones I 'd made . . . And then , to top it all off , I finally went to shoot about 2 weeks ago , and my game suddenly decided it hated me , so I spent the last two weeks fixing that ( still a WIP , btw ) , then shot for this , then of course , procrastinated for another few days on fixing the pics and dropping them in . . . And now here we are . Finally . : p So , sorry , hopefully I 'll give myself a kick up the backside and get the next one out in two weeks or so ! When we get to three weeks , you may all start poking me with long sticks . I need it sometimes . . . an angel . Before I fell pregnant with him , I was living with Austin . He told me he wasn 't going to raise any child I had , and as ' a dirty skag head ' there was no way to prove ' it ' was his . I know Austin is Justin 's father . I guess I chose the name Justin as a sort of hint to Austin if they ever eventually met , but now I know that 's almost impossible . Finding her parents , and so I don 't ask . Mine kicked me out and all but disowned me when I was fourteen . They said they couldn 't handle me any more , but I know I could never do that to Justin no matter what he did . I 've met many people during my life since all The first part of this , I wrote a few months ago . I have many short stories half - written , and as I started typing backstory I remembered it . So I changed the names and edited it a little to suit my needs . Easy ! For those of you who are lucky enough to have not been exposed to drugs before , here 's some information about heroin , which Mya / Krista was using in that first part . The kind of thing I imagined her on last chapter , was mephedrone ( known around here as ' M - cat ' ) and alcohol , but the late stages where she was coming down from the ' cat ' . Posted by Daddy picked me up at 10am yesterday . He drove me out to the fields where he works , and let me play with the chickens ! Chickens are my favorite animal , I love going there in the spring when there 's loads of baby chicks to play with . After that , we went to the beachside pool . I remember daddy teaching me to swim , and he kept saying he couldn 't believe how grown up I was and how good I 'd got at swimming . He used to take me to the pool every Saturday , but I started going with my friends instead when I was ten , so he 's not seen me in the pool for a while . After a few hours he told me he had something to tell me , and got out before helping me out ( the ladder broke a few years ago . The owner had it removed because of health and safety , but hasn 't got round to putting a new one in ) He sat down on one of the loungers , and I kneeled on the foot - rest . He told me that he 'd got a new job . In Bridgeport . He said he would be moving there in September . I just stared at him for a while , I didn 't know what to say ! " What about me ? " Was all I could finally come up with . I could see hearing me say that hurt him , and I could see tears starting in his eyes , but I felt the same way so why shouldn 't he ? " You can come and visit me all the time , honey . And I 'll still come here and see you when I can , I 'll stay with Auntie Lynn . I 'll still be there for Christmas at Gramma 's . " I was silent again for a bit . Christmas at Gramma 's was tradition . Every year we all go and squeeze into her little townhouse in Bridgeport for a week . Will my Mum be going this year ? " I 'll miss you . " I said , trying to hold back tears so I could be strong for my Daddy . I know he wouldn 't do this if he didn 't have to . " I 'll miss you more than you could ever imagine . " He said while he kissed my hair and rubbed his hand on my back . " Your Mummy will still be here , and you can phone me up any time and I 'll answer . I know these past few weeks have been hard for you , but we can get through this . I love you more than anything , and if you miss me too much I 'll move back . " " April , I 'm sorry . Let 's try this for a few months . If it doesn 't work out by Christmas , I 'll move back . I promise . " He kissed me again , and I hugged him a little tighter . We didn 't do much else after that . He took me to have lunch and an ice - cream , but it didn 't cheer me up much . When we got home , I went straight to my room , and I heard him telling Mummy about it downstairs . She didn 't shout or anything , but when he left she came straight upstairs and hugged me while I cried on my bed . I texted Justin when I first woke up today . Lottie had some horse - riding lessons , and I really needed to get out of the house and talk to someone . He 'd replied by the time I was back up from breakfast and a shower , and we met up in the town by the hospital . We sat in a patch of tall flowers under the shade of a willow tree for hours . He barely said a word , and let me say everything that was on my mind . He 's a really good listener . I told him all about yesterday with my Daddy , what we usually do at Christmas , how much I missed spending time with him , which I hadn 't even realised until yesterday . He asked a few questions , and when I started to cry he 'd either move closer and put and arm around me , or just stroke my arm to make me feel better . When I 'd been silent for a few minutes , he leaned in , put a hand on my shoulder , and whispered in my ear : " Tag , you 're it " before jumping up and running off . We played tag for a while , it must 've been about half an hour or so . Until I hurt my ankle . I was ' it ' and was just catching up to him when I felt it twist on itself . I grabbed his arm for support . " What 's wrong ? " He asked . He looked really worried . I didn 't reply for a minute , I was trying not to cry . I didn 't want him to think I was a baby , which is silly , because I was crying infront of him not much earlier . " Broke it ? " He raised his eyebrow and did a little half - smile . " April , if you broke it you 'd be screaming on the floor . " " How do you know ? Maybe I 'm really good with pain ? " I sort - of snapped at him , which I felt bad about . " I don 't think I can walk . " I said more calmly . " Well , it 's a long way home , and I don 't think you can fly . . . " He joked . I jerked his arm down a bit , and he laughed . " Justin , please ! If it 's closer can 't we just go there to rest up and get a drink ? " I was really thirsty from running around in the sun , and I looked up at him pleadingly . He looked kind of panicked , like he was having some kind of internal battle . " We can go there for ten minutes , if you promise to never tell anyone you 've been to my house . Don 't even tell anyone where I live . " He was staring deep into my eyes the whole time he spoke , and he sounded pretty worried . I nodded in agreement . " No , Justin ! I 've hurt my ankle , haven 't I ? " I felt like crying . I wished I 'd never asked to go to his house . He was so sweet until I suggested it , and I was starting to worry about what was at his house by this point . " No , you don 't weigh anything anyway . " I 'm not sure I believe him . I must weigh about the same as him , he 's just strong obviously . " I didn 't even know this was here . . . " I said stupidly , looking around . There were three trailers in this top bit , and I could see a couple more down the hill behind the others . There was litter and broken things everywhere , right in the entranceway was a pile of something that looked like it had been burnt before it was abandoned three feet from the bins . I could hear a dog barking nearby , but I couldn 't see it , and there was a radio on loud in one of the trailers . It didn 't look like the kind of place people choose to live , especially not if they have children . " This way . " Justin said , leading me down the slope towards the steps to the big cabin in front , I tried putting a little weight on my foot as we walked . It still hurt , but I realised Justin was right about it not being broken . He stepped just inside the door , and I looked over his shoulder . There was last nights pizza box still sat on the table , with dirty glasses and empty bottles over the table and the counters behind . The once - white paint was starting to peel off the counters and appliances , revealing the rusting metal underneath . The room stank of stale smoke , grease , and mould . There was a purple - haired woman on the couch , who I assumed to be Justin 's mum , although she looked young enough to be his sister . She lay there , staring blankly at the ceiling , surrounded by empty glass bottles , cigarette packets and old take - away wrappers . Her skirt was even shorter than anything my cousin Amelia would wear , and she gets told off for dressing like that all the time . The TV was on quietly , and she was whisper - singing along to a rock song . " Oh , hey baby ! Did you have fun ? " Her speech was slurred , her voice hoarse as if she 'd been screaming all morning , her eyes kept rolling in her head , her jaw was chewing , but I couldn 't see any gum , and she looked like she was about to throw up . " Yeah , I think I did say that . . . I guess I got caught up . " Justin moved closer to her , picking up a bottle of pills from the table and giving it a gentle shake , before turning to me . " April , my bedroom is behind you . I 'll be there in a minute . " I nodded , and started walking towards the room behind me . " You know I can 't get your prescription again until next week . " I heard him scold his mum . " Mum , " I heard Justin shout . " " You wonder why I never bring anyone over ? Do you even know how embarrassing you are ? How much of a state you look ? Look around you ! You need to wake up before it 's too late . " I heard something hit the wall , I assume it was Justin throwing the pill bottle , before he burst through the door , slamming it behind him . He jumped onto his bed , before tapping the mattress beside him , indicating for me to join him . I sat next to him , massaging my ankle . He didn 't say anything , so I looked around his room . It was small , even smaller than mine , with fresh cream paint covering the walls . He had nothing in there besides his bed and a rather dirty - looking rug . There were a few posters on his walls of some band I 'd never heard of . ' K - Infinity ' or something . They looked like the kind of band Amelia might listen to . " It 's ok . " I had no idea what to say , but I knew it wasn 't ok . " What 's wrong with her ? " I was sure I already knew . " She 's drunk . Or high . Or both . She always is these days . " He sighed , and leaned back , stretching his legs out infront of him . " That 's why I don 't want you to tell anyone you 've been here . " " I understand . " I lied . Well , I understand why he doesn 't want anyone to know , but I don 't understand how someone like her can still have their kid around . I don 't know anything about drugs really , but I know from TV and movies that you need money for that kind of life , and I don 't think she has a job , but I didn 't want to ask . " Is your leg better now ? I want to get out of here . " I looked up and he was looking at me . He had this desperate look in his eye . I rubbed my ankle while I tried to think of something we could do now . " Come on . You 're too young for this , I 'll carry you . " I had no idea what he meant by too young , because we 're the same age , so that made no sense , but he did carry me to the park , and we stayed there for most of the rest of the day . We didn 't even mention his house or his mum , which he seemed thankful for . Now I 'm really worried , though . Clearly his mum can 't take care of him , she didn 't even ask who I was and I could have been a criminal or something ! My mum always asks who people are when I bring them in , and she would never let our house get into that state . I wish I could ask someone what to do , but I know Justin would probably never speak to me again if I did . This is her , for anyone who wanted to see . She purty ! I might do a ' meet these characters ' bonus chapter for her and Justin . There 's a lot of backstory there , so I 'm now taking votes . Daddy rang me today . ( On the house phone , Mum bought a new one last week , and I 'm not telling them about the phone Justin gave me . ) He 's going to take me out tomorrow . Hopefully we 'll get some ice cream if the weather is nice . It should be , it 's always nice in summer here . We were wandering around the aisles , picking stuff off the shelves and joking around like we always do when we 're shopping . Shopping for food can be boring , so we always find something to make it more entertaining . Anyway , so suddenly Mum taps me on the shoulder and points to the end of the aisle . Justin ! He was carrying a basket past , heading to another aisle , and I ran up and tapped him , making him jump . " Oh ! Hi , April . " He looked uncomfortable . Like he 'd been doing something he shouldn 't have , even though he was just shopping like us . " Hi ! " I grinned . " Where 's your Mum ? I want to meet her . " I asked . A sudden look of desperation or worry or guilt or something flash across his face before he could hide it . " Oh , she 's . . . Somewhere . . . " He answered quickly . " What are you doing here ? " I could tell he was just trying to change the subject , but I went with it anyway . I don 't know much about his Mum , but I know he doesn 't get on with her that well . " Shopping , silly ! Same as you ! This is the only place in town to buy food , so where else would I be ? " I smiled at him , and he looked like he was trying to smile back , but he didn 't look that happy . " Ok . " He replied , looking around us for something else to say . " Well , I have to go find my Mum , I guess . " He said after a while as he started to bend down to pick up his basket . " Justin , would you like to come for dinner tonight ? " I beamed at the suggestion . Justin has only been inside my house once , and I 'd love for him to come over more . " I don 't know . " I shrugged . He 's never been lost for words , never looked so uncomfortable the whole two weeks I 've known him . And we 've spent pretty much every waking minute together . " I don 't think he gets on with his Mum . Maybe they just had an argument ? " I suggested as we moved on to the next aisle . We carried on shopping as normal . We tried to laugh and joke like normal , but I couldn 't help being worried about Justin . We got to the end of one aisle , nearly finished with our weekly shop , when I turned to the checkouts . I saw Justin . Alone . Paying for a few bags of shopping before carrying them out the shop . They looked heavy , and I couldn 't work out why he was alone . " Mummy ? " I asked in a small voice . Mum turned to where I was looking and saw him too . " Where 's his Mum ? " I asked , know she 'd have no idea either , but hoped she could say something comforting . She couldn 't . " Honey , lets finish this shopping then you can ask him where she was ? " She suggested . I knew he wouldn 't tell me though . I know he was alone at the supermarket , but I don 't know why . He wouldn 't tell me , either . He still hadn 't replied to the text I 'd sent when I got home , and I tried ringing him but he didn 't pick up . Thank you to Valpre for sending me the supermarket . It arrived decorated as if it were a house . . . ( See here and here ) But I didn 't have to build anything : p I 've spent almost every day the past two weeks with Justin . He 's loads of fun , and he 's really helped take my mind off my parents . It helps that he 's been through it all too , I think . Daddy , I mean Dad ( hehe ) , came by to get more clothes a few times , but he still hasn 't got all his stuff . He 's sleeping at his sisters ( aunt Lynn , across the street ) , and Emily says he hasn 't looked at any houses , but he applied for a new job the other day ! I thought he liked working on the farm . I know he moans about it , but that 's what adults do ! They moan about stuff even though they like it . Justin met Lottie for the first time yesterday , we hung out at the park for a bit , Lottie was telling us all about her holiday . She said it rained most days , and me and Justin laughed at that because it 's been boiling here ! She invited me to spend the night , and she asked if Justin could as well , but her Mum said she wasn 't allowed boys to sleep over ' at our age ' . I said I 'd ask my Mum , she 's letting me get away with anything at the moment , but Justin said his Mum probably wouldn 't let him stop out anyway . Justin walked us to my house so we could pick up some things , and then walked us both to Lotties house too ! It 's at the top of a really steep hill , so we told him he didn 't need to , and he said " You can never be too careful . " ? How weird is that ? I remember about two years ago , someone stole an apple from the market , and it was the talk of the town for months . What were we being careful of ? I suppose Justin has always lived in a city , and so being careful is something he 's used to . We had the ' stranger danger ' talk in school , and my parents have told me not to talk to strangers , but there are no strangers in Winchester . There 's about 100 people , most of them are young people still at school . I know everyone at school , and you can work out who 's each persons parents because there isn 't a lot of choice . I guess it was sweet of him to worry , though . He pulled a gift - wrapped box from behind his back . He actually planned this , and didn 't just pick something off the floor ? " What is it ? " I repeated , excited this time . " A phone ? ! " I was shocked . He got me a phone ? ! My parents won 't even get me one , they say I can 't have one until I can afford to pay the bill myself . Even though they won 't let me take a paper - round , because it 's not safe apparently . " How did you get this ? Why did you get this ? " I wasn 't even sure I wanted to know . Justin is twelve , like me , he doesn 't have a job , like me , and I 've never met his Mum , but I assume she wouldn 't buy phones for her sons friends . " It was just an old one my Mum wasn 't using anymore , and I got you it so I have a way to contact you . It 's a long walk from my house to yours , and if you can 't or don 't want to come out then I have to walk all the way back . Much easier to just ring you . " I didn 't know what to say , but he was still beaming at me , his eyes twinkling after his good deed . " Thank you ! " I said after a while , and threw my arms around him . I 've never hugged a boy before , except Lottie 's brother and my Dad , but they don 't count . It was weird and I wasn 't sure how long I was supposed to hug him for . He didn 't seem to mind , so it probably wasn 't too long , but he didn 't hug me back . Maybe he was as shocked as I was . After I pulled away , he said he 'd send me a text later so I had his number , and then I 'd have to send him one back so he had mine . ( " If I could work out how " . He actually said that ! ) We had dinner with Lottie 's parents and brother . I love her family , they 're always so happy , and they were all extra nice to me and gave me extra dessert because of my parents . They let us sit at the breakfast bar instead of the dining table . I like sitting at the breakfast bar , I know it sounds weird , but it 's fun ! Maybe it 's because it 's high up ? I don 't know . After Ellis left us , I told Lottie about the phone . She was as shocked as I was , but gave me her number immediately so we could see if it worked . It did . " What will you say to your parents ? " She asked me after we 'd stopped squealing about me sending my first text from my own phone . " Oh , I dunno . I didn 't think of that . " I really hadn 't . What if they would take it off me ? " I guess I 'll keep it a secret because they might not let me keep it . " Lottie nodded . Gess hu ? Was all it said . I 'm not good at text speak , because I 've never used it , but Lottie told me that it meant ' Guess who ? ' . I think I 'll pick it up quickly , she said if there 's something I don 't understand then I should just say it out loud , because it will probably sound the same as the word it replaces . The boogeyman ? I sent back as a joke . Lottie and I had eaten a lot of sugary snacks by this point , and it seemed really funny . It isn 't now I 'm reading it back not - hyper . Boo ! He replied , which sent us into fits of giggles , causing me to nearly fall off the bed , and making Lottie 's Mum come in and tell us to start to wind down or we wouldn 't sleep . She wasn 't angry , she 's never angry , but her bedroom is next to Lotties , and Ellis ' is on the other side so we can 't ever be too noisy when I sleep round . We weren 't tired , probably because of all the sugar , so we changed into our PJs and went downstairs to watch TV . If we 're downstairs we can be noisier too , so it was better all round . We stayed up past midnight ! We 've never stayed up that late before ! Justin stopped texting about half eleven , so that must 've been when he went to sleep .

It seems like every time i turn around , the boys are going thru a transition of some sorts . I mean they went from sharing a crib to sleeping in separate cribs . And they didn 't mind . Then they went from bottles to sippy cups . This , we struggled with . It seems like it took me forever to find a cup that they liked . I think I tried everything I could find , until I gave in and bought the ones I thought for sure they wouldn 't like . And turns out I was wrong , they loved them . One of the next transitions we had was going from cribs to toddler beds . We got lucky when we got their cribs , they each transitioned into toddler beds . That was a rather easy transition as well . They knew they couldn 't get out of their bed and roam freely . They knew that bedtime ment they had to lay down and go to sleep . They knew that I was just a few steps away from them , all they had to do was speak to me , and I would hear them on the monitor and come to them if they needed something . I was expecting the worse with that transition , I mean , first off they share a room and I thought for sure they would test us and try to get out and play . The next transition was from diapers to underwear . I was not looking forward to potty training . I think this was harder on me then it was on them . That is , once I figured out that there was no way they were going to potty train together . I mean sure , I 'm sure a lot of twins do things like this together , but not my twins . Ethan made this transition quickly . I 'm talking less than 1 week , and he was staying dry even at night and would cry when I put a pull - up on him at night because he didn 't need it . So after a couple of days of staying dry and night , I put him to bed in underwear and we 've never looked back . Sure , we have had our share of accidents , but I think that comes with any child . I didn 't think I was ever going to get Nathan trained . Ethan was trained shortly after they turned 3 in May . Nathan had NO interest at all . We would try and try and nothing worked . I gave up on more than one occasion . Finally on New Year 's Day , I said this is it , I am sick of changing pull - ups every few hours . And when he got up that morning I put him in underwear . I 'm not saying it was as easy as it was with Ethan , but it was easier than I thought it would be . For one thing , when I trained Ethan we were living at the old house , and we had a bathroom on the first floor , here we weren 't so lucky . Our only bathroom is on the second floor and we mad a ton of trips up and down the steps . There were accidents but again , nothing like I had anticipated . He made me proud , that 's for sure . Within 10 days , he was completely trained for day time . He would go on long stretches of staying dry at night and then he would be wet for a few mornings in a row . Finally I told him , if he could stay dry for 7 nights in a row , then the next night he could wear underwear to bed , just like Ethan . That 's all it took . He stayed dry for those 7 nights and on the next night , he said " I get to wear underwear just like my Ethan " and he was so excited . But wouldn 't you know it , that on that first night wearing underwear to bed , he had aOur next transition was from toddler beds to twin size beds . This happened sooner than we had planned on it happening but when you have children who are very tall for their age it happens . Nathan ran out of room . Every time he rolled over at night he was awake and that ment no sleep for Mommy and I wasn 't having that . So off to the furniture store we went and bunk beds it was . We ordered them , and my step son agreed to sleep on the top bunk , so Ethan went on the bottom bunk , and Nathan went in my step son 's twin bed . It was comforting to know that we were back to sleeping thru the night ! ! But now our problem is that the bunk beds are very poorly crafted . They keep falling apart and we are afraid that Ethan , sleeping in the bottom bunk will be hurt . So the bunk beds are going away . We are saying goodbye to the bunk beds on Thursday , and we are getting a trundle - bed . Tyler is going back in his twin bed and Ethan and Nathan will share the trundle . I 'm not sure who is sleeping where yet , we 'll let them decide once they get here on Thursday . But I 'm hoping this transition will go as easily as all the others have . One more transition that we have made recently , is that we have gotten rid of all of our sippy cups . Last friday ( 8 / 10 / 12 ) when we got up I opened the cupboard and a couple of cups fell out at me . And I thought , its time . So I poured them each a half of a glass of milk and said , your cups stay at the table and you need to drink slowly , there 's no cover . We have had little spills but nothing major . And the boys are great about leaving them on the table . I decided to keep 2 sippy cups , but just for when we are out of the house , I 'm not to big on them having open containers in my vehicle , although , I 'm sure that will happen soon enough . My husband learned the hard lesson while I was at a baby shower on sunday , only put as much in the cups as you are willing to clean up … Our next transition will be a move to a new house , again . and then the next transition will be school starting , 3 weeks from today ! That last transition may be a little harder on me then it is on them ! ! I know I haven 't hit all of the transition that my boys have had , but I have touched base on the important ones . I think the only really big one I left out is the one were we took away the boys beloved pacifiers ! ! Which is a post all on its own if anyone is interested … We have been spending so much time outside that my poor house is a mess . I have been trying to get up and get motivated in the mornings so that I can get some of my housework done , but lets face it , i don 't have much motivation first thing in the morning so not much has been getting done ! But the housework will still be here on rainy days and when summer is over so it 's not that bad . I would say on average we are spending 3 to 4 days a week at the beach . While the other days are spent hanging around the house . Thank goodness we got the boys a swing set with their birthday money and we picked up a small inflatable pool for them as well . So when we are home , we are outside . For that matter when we get home from the beach we usually are only inside long enough to re - apply the sun screen and then they head right out to the pool or the swing set ! The beach has been a really great experience this year . Despite all the complaining i do when I am packing everything up and getting stuff ready , we really do have a great time . This is the first summer that I can just let the boys go play , they know how far they can go in each direction and they are doing great with listening to me while we are out and about . One thing I love about living in down east Maine , the beaches that we go to aren 't very busy , so I don 't have to worry about the boys wandering off with other people . We usually meet up with friends and that makes the day even more enjoyable . But when we don 't meet up with friends we still have a great time . I can bring a book or a magazine and enjoy them while the boys play , which is a big improvement from last year . We have been really lucky with the weather lately too , or all summer actually . Its been in the 70 's to the 80 's most days , and we have had a nice ocean breeze most of the time . But I guess that 's another benefit of having the ocean in your back yard . That 's something I may never be willing to part with , its nice to be able to wake up and look out the window onto the ocean every morning ! It 's even a nice benefit in the winter cause we don 't get as much snow as they do inland , but that is a whole other post for another day ! The boys have been going on the boat a little bit , with hopes to get to go a little bit more before the end of summer . They love to " go to work " with Daddy and " Gee " ( my father in law ) on the boat . Both of the boys keep saying how they love to " make the monies " just like Daddy . So when they get off the boat they have been getting paid a little something , which is going right into their savings account . Won 't be long and we will be sending in for the boys student licenses . Well , it will be a little while because they have to be 7 or 8 , but lets face it , if these next few years go by as fast as the past 4 have , it will seem like its tomorrow ! I have been working a couple of days a week on the boat as well , and I love it ! I hadn 't gone to haul with Jason since before I was pregnant with the boys , but I picked it right back up like I hadn 't ever stopped . Made me realize how much I missed it by staying home with the boys . I am looking forward to the time in the summers to come where we all get up and head out on the boat at 5 , and get home and cleaned up and then head to the beach or the pool ! This is what summers are for right , making such great memories with the kids . Speaking of the kids , we have actually had my step kids a lot more than we normally do over this summer vacation . And its been great ! Tyler has been going on the boat a lot with my husband and Hannah has been hanging out at home with the boys and I . For the most part this goes OK , we have had a couple rough days where she does what she wants and isn 't nice to the boys , but she isn 't getting away with it . She is learning that there are consequences for her actions when she is at her Dad 's house and she may not like it , but is doing OK with it . I guess that 's about it for now . I will try to post again in a few days . The boys are going to vacation bible school for the first time next week . It runs from Monday to Friday from 12 : 30 - 3 : 30 ! it will be a good thing for them . It will be the first time that they are away from me in a " school " type setting , and I am sure it will be good for all of us ! I know I can 't wait to get a few projects done around the house while they are there . I need to get our bedroom painted and the bathroom too . These have needed to be done since we moved in last fall … nothing like waiting a while to do them ! So we have had a busy couple of weeks around here … Nothing to spectacular , just busy as usual . The regular baseball season is over , and we are about to start the All Star season , T 's first game is this Saturday , and we can 't wait ! ! They have a pretty awesome team this year , so I imagine that they will do great ! ! The boys are both taking swim lessons , first time ever , and they are like little fish ! They both are able to jump into the pool now , and that 's a pretty big deal if you ask me . Especially since its their first time in a swimming pool ! That about sums it up for now ! I can 't wait for my parents to get here on Thursday ! Mostly excited that my Mom will actually be here for the boys last 2 swim lessons , so maybe she 'll be able to get a few pics of the boys in the pool , I would , but I have to go in with them ! When i was 14 , and in the 8th grade my parents got divorced . I didn 't like it one bit , and I was a little upset with both of my parents . My father was and still is an over the road truck driver so he wasn 't around a lot anyway , but it still sucked when they split . Growing up , I was a daddy 's girl . When he was home you could always find me with him . My whole world revolved around him . Sure I adored my mom , but hands down , i was the ultimate daddy 's girl . So when my parents shared with my sister and I that they had decided to split , I was hurt . But I was 14 , so I understood some of it . I was old enough to realize what was going on . My sister and I stayed with my Mom . She had primary custody of us , and that never changed . She never said anything negative about our father in front of us , no matter if she wanted to or not , that is the one thing she didn 't do . She knew that we would realize just how my father was over time . We lived in southern Maine , where my mom still lives now actually . Not in the same place , but still the same town , so going home is still " home " to me . My father relocated to Connecticut . Once my parents split , they both seemed to settle down rather quickly again . I know my Mom dated a little bit , but not that often , and soon enough she had met my step father and things progressed from there . I 'm not sure how much my Dad dated , as he was so far away . He eventually moved in with my now step - mother and that 's when I started to get to go to his house for school vacations . Both my step father and step mother each had children from their previous marriages . My step father has 2 sons and a daughter , all who are a few years younger than I am , and my step mother has 2 daughters and a son , also all younger than me . Neither of my parents ever had any more kids . Our families were only blended in the sense that I had step siblings from my step parents but no actual new brothers or sisters . I had great relationships with each of them . My father would always try to make plans for me to go to his house in Connecticut for school vacations and I loved it . It was always something I looked forward too . Because I got to spend time with my Dad and his new family . I always enjoyed my time with them . But as I grew up , things would always come up . I would be packed and not so patiently waiting for him to come get me , and the phone would ring , and there suddenly would be something wrong with his car . EVERY TIME I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN ! I 'm not going to lie , it hurt me pretty bad . It was after the third time this happened I realized that he just wasn 't coming . And that was the last time I ever planned to spend school vacation with him . It hurt a lot . I 'm not going to lie . I felt like he was replacing me with my step brother and sister , who weren 't even his own children . But because he had a step son now , I wasn 't good enough . He finally had the son he always wanted . We have an OK relationship now , nothing like I thought it would be . But that 's the way it goes . I thought that my own father would be so excited to hear I was expecting twin boys that he would make an effort to be involved in their lives . They turned 4 in May , and I can count on one hand the amount of times he has seen my sons . It breaks my heart to know he is just to busy to see them . I realize that we live about 8 hours away from each other , but he is still driving truck and makes one delivery a week in a town that is about one hour away from where I live , and he never tries to get me to come to the town so he can see his grandsons . I have always been close to my step father , mostly because he lived with us i supposed . I don 't always agree with everything he says or does , but he was like a father to me . He actually gave me away at my wedding to Jason . I originally wanted both my father and step father to walk me down the aisle together , but my father had a fit and said he either did it alone or not at all , so I chose to let me step father give me away . After all he knew me better . My father had not actually met my husband until my wedding day . How sad is that ? So I guess where I am going with this , is that I grew up with both a step mom and a step dad , and I never once did the things my step daughter has done to me . I never would have dreamed it . I know that I was older and my parents never had any more children after they had my sister and I , but it still makes it hard . I would love to have a good relationship with both of my step children , but I can 't keep putting myself out there just to be heart - broken time and time again by her . So things haven 't gotten much better since my last post . We still can 't figure out what has caused my step daughter to lash out at me the way she has been . All in total we found 6 different papers with nasty things written on them about me , and she chose to write on her bedroom wall in two different places that she hates me . I am more hurt than anything else , and nobody seems to understand why . I know that she is going thru some stuff at her Mom 's right now , because her Mom is getting ready to have a baby any day now . Which will be another little girl for her Mom which makes her not the " baby " in that family any more and also makes her not the only girl in that family . I think that she feels like she is going to be replaced by the baby and I don 't think that her Mom has taken the time to explain to her that the baby isn 't replacing her , that the baby is simply adding to the family . We went thru a similar situation when we had the twins . My step son felt as thought my husband was replacing him because we were having two boys . We actually sat both of the kids down and explained to them that we were adding to the family , not replacing them . They seemed to understand , but we don 't feel as though it is our place to explain the new baby to them . My step daughter seems to think that the baby will come on visits to our house with them and that the baby somehow belongs to my husband . I just don 't know how they haven 't explained to her yet that this is not the case . We have tried to tell her that but she won 't listen . Either that or she doesn 't want to believe us . I 'm not sure what is going on . Last week I went on a major cleaning spree , in an effort to de - clutter my house . God it had gotten pretty bad over the winter , and I was so happy to weed thru things and take care of stuff . So while I did this , I re - arranged the boys toy room , and got rid of a huge garbage bag of toys , and they don 't even miss them . So while I went to all the trouble to clean out their toy room , I have tried to get them to understand that when you take something out , you put it back before you dig something else out . Its seems to be working for the most part , it hasn 't been a week yet , but so far so good . I 'm not spending an hour before bedtime cleaning up the mess that they have made throughout the day any more . I may have to pick up a random toy here or there , but nothing like i used too . Ethan has always been pretty good about helping me clean , but not Nathan . But ever since I cleaned out their toy room , he has been such a big help . Things may not always go back where they came from , but they are put away which is what matters to me . As long as they are up off the floor , it takes me maybe 5 - 10 minutes to put the boys back where they belong . Last night , when the older kids where here I asked the boys to clean up before supper . Nathan was doing a great job , but my step daughter would go right behind him and tell him " No , No , No that doesn 't go there " and she would take all the boys he had just put away and throw them back on the floor . I watched this happen 3 times before I stepped in and told her to leave him alone . He was doing what I had asked him to do and it was not her place to try to Parent him . She and I are butting heads awful lately . My stepson 's little league season is a little over half way over . His team is doing great ! And he is playing the best he has ever played ! ! So proud of him . his team has 5 wins and he got the first 2 game balls of the season ! ! He is growing up into such a good kid ! ! I couldn 't be prouder of him … If only some of his qualities could reflect on his sister we would be all set . I take Nathan to the cardiologist on Thursday , just a routine appointment really . We have been going since he was born , started out in the NICU and we started going about every 3 months , then we moved to 6 months , then we finally got to a once a year appointment . Its kind of funny that if he hadn 't been a preemie , then we never would have known that he had a vein in his heart that was larger than it should be . It never showed on my prenatal ultra sounds , they just caught it on an ECHO in the NICU . As he is growing , it is doing what its supposed to tho , so that is great news for us . Even tho I hope every time we go that it is the last time , I am thankful that it 's really nothing major and nothing to worry about yet . So I will update again probably Friday . I will do a recap of the boys 4 year well child visit and Nathan 's cardiologist visit . And I should have the pictures back from the boy 's birthday party today or tomorrow , so I 'll do a post about that when I get them too ! ! So things here have been kind of busy lately , and I should be blogging more , but life it getting in the way . I have a post almost ready about the boys 4th birthday party and about a few other things , I am just waiting to get some pictures back from our photographer . And I should have them by the end of the week , first of next week , so it 's coming , I promise . So we had my husband 's older kids on Monday this week . Things were going great , I was playing with the boys and T was watching tv with my husband and H was writing a note to a friend . All normal things that happen when we have the kids , so I didn 't think anything of it . I noticed that while H was writing , she kept looking over at me and staring at me , giving me dirty looks , but again , nothing out of the ordinary . Well when she got done writing her letter , she put it on the drier , which is what she does with stuff she wants to take home . I forgot it was there and so did she … Tuesday when I was getting the laundry switched over , a folded piece of paper fell on the floor . I didn 't notice it at first , but Ethan & Nathan were pretty excited cause they found " a yetter " which translates to a letter . I unfolded the paper to find the letter that H had written to her friend at school . I thought it was cute at first , I remember being a little girl writing letters to my friend and bringing them to school the next day . But what wasn 't cute was what the letter said at the bottom . Right before she signed her name it said " I hate Andrea " and that was followed up with " she hurts me ! " My heart broke immediately . I have known for a while that she has been angry at me . I just don 't know why . My first thought was to just throw it away , and my second thought was , well lets not do that , just in case she does it again and the note gets into the wrong hands . So when my husband got home from work , I was in tears , and he asked what was wrong , all I could do was give him the note . He of course was upset as well . We saw T & H at T 's baseball game last night and Jason asked T if he thought it was true , and he said " absolutely not , Andrea never hurts us . She might speak to us if we are doing something wrong , but she has never touched us . " And he followed that up with " I love Andrea , she wouldn 't hurt me or Sis . " Which again , broken my heart but for different reasons . Well when H went over by Jason , who was helping out in the dug out , she spoke to me on the way by , but only to get my attention so she could stick her tongue out at me on the way by . When she got to Jason , he pulled her aside and said , " we found your note " and she was all smiles , asking if he brought it to her , so she could give it to her friend at school today and he told her NO ! She got upset and started crying because it was her letter and not ours and we couldn 't keep it . She carried on for a few minutes about that , before Jason said " I read it , and so did Andrea . " She just looked at him and when he confronted her about it , she said " I didn 't write that " and she got a little upset with him . She told him that I must have written it myself because she didn 't do it . So tonight when Jason calls the kids to say goodnight like he does every night , he is going to talk to their Mom about it . We certainly are not giving the letter back to her , because if it got into the wrong hands I would be in so much trouble . Which i believe deep down inside , that 's what she wants . She doesn 't want her father and I together and she isn 't afraid to say it . If I thought it would solve any problems , I would pack my boys up for the weekend , and head to my Mother 's house . But that would be telling her she won , and that 's not what I want to do . She needs to be told that it is not OK to lie about things like this . We can 't punish her for not liking me , but we can punish her for lying about me hurting her . I swear on my own kids lives that I have NEVER laid a finger on that child ! So not much has been going on here , just regular stuff really . I had a follow - up with my OB the other day to make sure that the Essure procedure that I had done in January worked , and as i expected it did . I couldn 't be happier to not have any more babies . I mean don 't get me wrong , I kinda miss my little ones being babies , but I wouldn 't want to start all over again . With that being said , my " babies " will be 4 in 12 days ! That 's totally not fair ! We had pre - k registration last monday and the boys did great ! They were so excited to go to school , even tho it only lasted about 15 minutes for each of them . And let me just say that ever since I took them into the school , they look so much more grown up to me . I think it was just seeing them in that setting , knowing that they will be there 3 mornings a week in the fall . I didn 't cry tho , I thought I would be a little more upset about it then I was , but maybe I have come to terms with them going to school … . . Let 's see how the first day goes in the fall tho , I 'm sure I 'll be a hot mess ! My husband 's birthday is coming up on Saturday . It seems to sneak up on us every year . Guess I better get on finding a gift for him ! And making a cake ! My father got the twins bikes for Christmas . We never put them together , for that matter I don 't think we even told them that they had bikes in the basement . We decided to put them together yesterday , they are so excited . We should have chosen a different day tho , we had the older kids in the afternoon and I 'm pretty sure that they were both a little jealous of the twins , even tho they both have their own bikes , that were bought new for them last year ! It 's hard to do things for the boys , even if it 's just a simple thing like putting their bikes together , without the step kids getting jealous . I made sure as we get them put together that they didn 't think we went out and spent the money on the bikes , not that it would matter , but that 's how their minds work . However , they were still jealous and I think that 's just how kids are . Also with the boys getting older its time to get them out of their toddler beds . Nathan is 3ft 7 inches tall and doesn 't really have the room he needs to be comfortable while he is sleeping . So with that being said , we have bunk beds coming tomorrow for the boy 's room . My step son will sleep on the top bunk , and Ethan will sleep on the bottom bunk , Nathan has already claimed my step son 's big boy bed as his own . We told the step kids last night that we were getting bunk beds for the boy 's room and I 'm pretty sure again , the step daughter is jealous . She said " what do i get for my room " and she didn 't like it when I told her she didn 't need anything ! After all the new bunk beds are really for the boy 's birthday . If there was room in the boy 's room for 3 twin beds , we would have just gotten 2 new twin beds , but to save room we went with bunk beds . I guess I can 't make everyone happy all the time . Just gotta do my best ! And did I mention that the step - kids would possible be jealous ? I mean we just got a phone call from my husbands ex - wife and she told us that the kids " don 't feel good " today so they won 't be coming this afternoon . Seems funny to us , that all of a sudden they don 't feel good when they were fine last night ! Guess we 'll see how they are feeling for Saturday when they are supposed to come for the weekend .

Yesterday was Thanksgiving . Can someone please explain why football has become such a huge part of the day ? I don 't think I ever read or learned in school that a football game broke out between the Pilgrims and the Indians . So how did football become so important on this day ? Seriously football was on my television for so long a box popped up saying something about ' due to the inactivity the satellite will be shut down . If you wish to continue press cancel . ' To me that is a sign the football games should be turned off for the day , to my husband that is an annoyance to have to pick up the remote to finish watching the game . Go figure . Now I do remember learning about a feast taking place , so a feast is what we had . I made a few things for yesterdays meal that I can not eat , it bothered me a little bit to see stuffing on the table but not on my plate . It bothered me a little to see mac and cheese on the table but not on my plate . I was bothered by the thought of not having a piece of pie after dinner so while making the pies I made one that had a gluten free crust . When it came time to have pie , I served up everyone and my husband said I will try some of the gluten free one . Darn it , he liked it ! I was hoping he would not like it and I would get the whole pie to myself ! ! Then David wanted to try some of the crust so I broke a piece of mine and he liked it better than the regular crust . I made some gluten free sausage balls the other day and stuck them in the freezer . Last night when we were getting a bit on the hungry side but not wanting to eat a real meal we took some of them out , heated them up and I will say they were good . So good in fact that later on when I came downstairs I noticed the now empty bag sitting on the counter ! My husband strikes again , he ate the rest . Dang it I was hoping for them to be left alone so I could snack on them here and there . Urgh . Other than that I am thankful for my family , my home , my life . Zack and Kris have been outside working on the walls for a shed they are building . At one point I look out and see Zack swinging a sledge hammer . Kris was closely watching so he was not in any danger of being hurt . A while later Zack comes running in the house showing me his hands . Oh such a lovely shade of gray . It appears he has more paint on his hands then he does on the wall of the shed . He looks at me and says " Oh I have such a crook in my back from all that bending over . " Who in the world replaced my little boy with this achy crooked backed old man ? When Zack got off the bus on Tuesday he had a sticker on his shirt saying he voted in Kids Voting . So I asked him what that meant , he told me they got to vote for some people . I asked him who he voted for and what job were they trying to get . He responded with " I voted for Bob something . " When I questioned him further about who Bob was and what job he was trying to be voted into , he responded with " Mom I don 't know what job he wants all I know is I voted for him . " When I asked him who else he voted for he said " I voted for the old man who was wearing a black shirt and tie . " Well that clears up everything huh , after all how many old men with black shirts and ties could there possible be trying to be voted into office ! Happy HalloweenThis Halloween was a tricky one for Zack . He wanted so much to be a Star Wars figure but we could not find the right one , then we could not find one that fit him right . So after many long hours searching , he compromised . We found a costume that he thought was hilarious . I happen to think he is absolutely adorable in his costume . What do you think ? Admit it , this is the cutest little hot dog you have ever seen ! But wait , it gets better . Although he was happy with being a hot dog , there was still that pull for a Star Wars figure . You know little boys who long for something can not just let it go . So HE became a little inventive with his costume . Take one Hot Dog , add a Light Saber and magically you become . . . A Jedi Hot Dog ! How Cute is He ! ( By the way he got extra candy at a couple houses for such a cool costume . ) Today Zack came up to me and said " Mom I saw a girl in Mrs . M 's class , I know her but I don 't remember who she is . She had on a yellow , orange and pink striped shirt . Who is she Mom ? " So I told him I had no idea who wears a yellow , orange and pink striped shirt and he came back with " But Mom you know her too . " I think I need to do some research and visit Mrs . M 's class next time I am in the school . Speaking of being in the school , I went in today to sign Zack out early since I had a doctors appointment and would not be home in time to get him off the bus . I went in and the secretary called down to his class asking his teacher to please release him and send him to the office . I took a seat and waited . I waited some more . I waited even more . The whole time I was thinking ' my gosh just how long does it take a kid to grab his backpack and jacket and walk to the office ? ' Finally I hear him coming down the hall . There he is holding hands with the assistant teacher from his Pre - K class last year . The little bugger decided to take a detour on his way to the office and he stopped into the pre - k classroom to chat with the teachers ! When I asked him why he would do that when he knows I have a doctors appointment he responded with " well Mom , I never get to talk with them anymore so I just figured I could today since I got out of my class early . " Sigh . . . the logic of a 5 year old . Tonight I planned on making Chicken fingers , potato wedges and some vegetables for dinner . Since I have to be gluten free now I decided to coat the chicken in gluten free Rice Krispies . I pounded them down some and added some spices . I got the chicken coated and on the baking pan . I turned on the oven then I cut up the potatoes for the wedges , threw them in a Zip lock bag with some olive oil and some spices . Then I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me . Did I see smoke ? No it could not be . Wait it looks like a little bit of smoke . Now I am smelling something , it smells electrical . I open the oven and I don 't smell anything inside , I see a tad bit more smoke than before . I shut the oven off and pull it away from the wall . I see nothing behind there . I wait a little while then turn it on again and look behind it , at first I see nothing but I start smelling that faint smell again , then I see a spark behind the metal backing . The tiniest opening at the bottom is where I see the spark . I immediately shut the oven off and unplug it . When Kris got home a few minutes later he took part of the back off and there was melted plastic . This plastic piece holds the wires inside so they are not touching each other . Of course the oven is not under warranty anymore so now we have to have someone come in a replace the part . I have no idea how much that will cost . I knew I had to somehow get dinner cooked because I certainly did not want to waste the food so Zack and I took a very quick trip to the store and bought a toaster oven . Yup it is working right now cooking up meal that I would have loved to eat earlier . I guess I will cook everything up tonight and just reheat it tomorrow for dinner . I had planned on doing some freezer cooking tomorrow but I guess that is out of the question now . Today I made Zack some homemade cheese crackers . I mixed it all up before he came home and I let the dough sit in the refrigerator while I went to go pick him up from the bus stop . I told him he had to wait a little while for his after school snack . I popped them in the oven and he kept coming over to check out the oven and see if they were done . When I pulled them out he immediately went to the table and sat there waiting . It was funny to watch him sit there even though I had told him they had to cool down before he could eat some . I put some on a plate for him and he went to town eating them . I asked him how they were and he gave me a thumbs up , apparently he was to busy chowing down and did not want to stop eating . When he was finished he told me " Mom you have to let me take these for snack time in school tomorrow . " I asked if they were good and he smiled and said " Mom they were awesome , you need to make these everyday ! " The funny thing was I went into my room to get something done , a little while later I came out and my sneaky little man had been stealing some the whole time , half the bowl was gone ! I guess they are a big hit and I need to keep these in stock . The only problem is I think I am going to have to put them under lock and key if I expect them to last more than a few hours . This is Zack 's second season in soccer . He is doing so well this season . First and foremost his attitude has gotten so much better . He encourages his teammates , he ( for the most part ) listens to everything his coach tells him and he tries . He does not wait until the ball comes to him , he goes after it . If the other team has the ball close to his goal , he will do what needs to be done to protect that goal . On Saturday we arrived at the fields . He did a bit of practice before the game was to start . When his coach gathered them around for the pep talk , I over heard him tell his coach he was not feeling well . This was not a good thing to hear considering only 5 kids showed up for the game : ( Each of those 5 kids had to play the entire game . They only had a 5 minute break for halftime . Well 1 little girl had another break because she was stung while playing . When the game ended Zack was tired . He had been running his little heart out . He played so well and he scored his first goal . He clapped a bit but the excitement was just not there . I know it is was because he was not feeling well . When we left he asked if he could eat lunch then go rest . My child never wants to rest . By the time we reached home he was telling me he had to throw up . Thankfully he did not . After eating a half piece of toast , he laid down in bed and fell asleep within 2 minutes . When he woke up 2 hours later he felt much better . It just made me realize he played hard out on that field even though he did not feel well . He is growing up . Last night he had another game and he was doing well . He just missed out on two goals . One the ball went just right of the goal . He did not let himself get upset over it though . He got back out there and tried again . The second one I know disappointed him a bit but he kept on playing . You see we all thought it was going in but it hit the goal post and went out . He is growing up and not only learning the rules of the game but he is learning how to carry on through all the things that life has to throw at him . What is a mom to do ? The weather has turned cool and so the time has come to retire those shorts and resort to the long pants to cover those little legs . The number one problem with that is my son really dislikes wearing pants , he really dislikes wearing socks too but that is another story . I have given up on making him wear jeans , that is just a struggle I do not want to fight everyday . His wardrobe consists of sweatpants , sweatpants and more sweatpants . I wonder what his school is going to think seeing him in sweats everyday ? It is a challenge to even get the sweatpants on him but it is better than trying to get him to wear jeans . The few times I have gotten him to wear jeans in the past were small miracles . I am hoping one day he will come out of it . The only other option is to pack up , sell the house , move somewhere where it never gets cold . . . but I am thinking my husband would not really agree to that . This morning I just had to smile : ) I walked Zack to the bus stop this morning . We stopped a few houses away from the bus stop to pet a little dog that was outside with it 's owner . All the kids waiting for the bus were gathered around to pet the dog . When I saw the bus coming I let all the kids know and Zack kissed me goodbye and ran the rest of the way to the stop without me . When he got on the bus he slid down the window and waved . He continued to wave until we could not see each other anymore . Gosh I love that kid ! Zack is super excited about going to school tomorrow . He has been talking about it for days now . He learned about 9 - 11 in school the other day . He came home telling me all about some bad guys that crashed two planes in a place called the twin towers ( " they are two towers that look like twins " ) . He told me about lots of people that died and some people that didn 't . Then he went on to explain how his school is going to have some Hero 's come to his school . I asked him if he knew what a Hero is and he said " yes , Hero 's are fire men , police men , EMT and padmedics " . For those of you who don 't know what a padmedic is , they are also known as paramedics . So tomorrow is the day his school is hosting local Hero 's . He is excited to meet them . The school requested that everyone wear red , white , and blue . He actually came home from school today and told me he wanted to take my camera to school with him tomorrow so he can take pictures . While I think this is wonderful that he would want to do that there is no way on this earth that I am letting my 5 year old take my camera to school . Apparently he does not realize that thing is like another child of mine . My child is becoming obsessed with Star Wars . A couple months ago Kris dug out the old x - box . He hooked it up and started showing Zack how to play . We only have 2 games the kid can play so it is either Pac - man or Lego Star Wars . He has become obsessed with the Star Wars game . Yesterday while at the store he went down the toy aisle and was completely excited to see the hundreds of boxes of Star Wars Lego . I think he could have spent hours upon hours in that aisle alone . Every box he wanted to know each characters name . He was fascinated with the Star Wars Lego display . Then we went to the school supply section and of course he just had to have the Star Wars folder for his homework . We needed a better thermos to keep his stuff cold for lunch so he begged and begged for me to get him the Star Wars . It did not seem to matter that his lunch box is Toy Story themed . I guess Toy Story is so pre - school . He wanted the Star Wars lunch box but that was to cheaply made and he would break it in a week so I said no to that . Last night I wished I would have had a video camera because while looking at the guide on television he spotted the words Star Wars . He wanted to watch it so I figured what the heck . The level of excitement coming from both him and Indigo was amazing . They were screaming with excited when they saw a character they recognized from the game . It was funny to watch them . They gave it all they had but could not get through the entire movie . Both of them zonked out on the couch . Now Zack wants to watch the movie again . I guess we are going to have to see if the library has a copy of all of them . He got off the school bus telling me something was wrong , really wrong today and that he was so sorry . Then he stood there at the bus stop and the tears started rolling , then nearly hyper ventilating , the complete sorrow in those poor little eyes . When I asked him what was wrong all he could tell me was " I am so sorry , I did something wrong at school today . " I asked what he did , he cried harder . Seriously what could he have done that was so wrong , so terribly wrong . You can imagine what I was thinking . I seriously thought he misbehaved in school and had a letter for me in his backpack . Oh but I was wrong very wrong , because when he calmed down enough to tell me I wanted to laugh . I knew I couldn 't though , that would have sent mixed signals to the already upset child . He told me he was so excited to have the snack that the teacher made that he did not eat the snack I packed for him . Then it hit him and he felt bad for drinking soda when that is a big no - no . Oh that after the fact remorse will get you every time kid . Well the time has come for me to stop saying my son has never had soda . Today he had soda . Of all places he drank it in school . I do not let my son drink soda - at all ! Finally after 28 days of not having my truck , we picked it up today at lunch time . I was so thrilled to see Clifford ( the name of my truck ) sitting there waiting for me . Whenever we pick a vehicle up from the mechanics Kris and I have a deal that he drives it that first day to make sure everything is alright . We stopped to grab a bite to eat before Kris had to get back to work . He got into my truck and I got into his car . I figured I would stop at the house and put the leftovers in the refrigerator before heading to the store . I pulled up into the driveway , went to put the emergency brake on ( we live on a small hill ) and the darn thing popped . The spring from inside came flying out pushing the release button out and now the brake will not work ! Please let this be an easy fix because I don 't think I can handle any more money disappearing from our pockets to the mechanics pocket , nor do I think I can handle another weekend of not having my truck since Kris has to go out of town . Everyday I put a little note in Zack 's lunch box . One day it may just say ' have fun ' , another day it may say ' have a great day ' or it may say ' I with a heart u ' . This morning my 5 year old asked me not to put any more notes in his lunch box . ( Insert sad Mommy face here ) . Zack decided to take the school bus home yesterday . This is a big step since he was asked to take it but then backed out twice when I said he could if he wanted to . All this new and strange stuff happening has thrown him off a bit . So the other night he asked if he could take the bus home from school . I said he could and that I would write a note to his teacher to make sure she knew . Yesterday we get into his classroom , he handed the teacher the note and she wrote it on the bus board . Then he tells me , " I don 't think I want to take the bus today mom . " I did not want him to back out since I thought he would be ready for it , so I told him that he already had given the note to his teacher and she wrote it on the board so he had to take it home and we would see how well he did . He had no choice but to accept it . What he did not know was I also let the teacher know that if he got upset or couldn 't go through with it , to just give me a call and I would be there in a few minutes to pick him up . No phone call was received so at the appropriate time I walked up to the school bus stop and I waited patiently for him . The bus was 5 minutes late ( per the written schedule ) . Finally I see it coming down the road , it stops , 6 kids stand up and start walking down the aisle . I did not see Zack 's blond head . Then I heard the bus driver call his name , up from the a seat in the middle of the bus I see his blond head pop up . He walks to the front of the bus and I hear her ask him who that is . He tells her ' that 's my mom . ' He gets off the bus and immediately tells me he got to sit next to a big kid , then he proceeds to tell me how ' the bus lady ' did not know where he lived so she had to ask Coach J ( the P . E . teacher ) where he lived . It is unclear if she asked Zack where he lives . So of course because of all this the bus was held up which made it 5 minutes late . When he got off the bus , he had a piece of paper that he handed to me and told me I have to write the stuff down that ' the bus lady ' needs . Now I wouldn 't mind so much but I filled out a bus form when I signed him up for Kindergarten ( I was not sure he would be on a bus but I filled it out as a just in case ) . That form was turned into the main office at the school . I filled out a second form on the first day of school . That form was turned into the teacher . I talked with the teacher last week letting her know I would send in a note when he was ready to ride the bus . I talked with the bus driver during open house , now I have yet another form to fill out so they have the information . All this filling out forms seems a bit ridiculous . It just goes to show that one department does not talk to the other . This morning I asked him if he wanted to take the bus to school today or if he wanted to drive . He chose the bus ! My little boy is growing up . We walked to the bus stop , he chatted with some of the girls that ride the bus also . When the bus got there , he turned to me and waved then got on like he has been doing it for years . When the bus pulled away I saw him sitting in the middle seat next to the window . He started waving and continued until I could not see him anymore . Zack lost another tooth . This is the second one this month . It has been wiggly for days , and I guess he got tired of wiggling it because he asked me several times today if I would try to pull it out for him . I did try but couldn 't get a good enough grasp and I did not want to hurt him so I told him he could just keep playing with it . At dinner he was getting irritated with it because it kept getting in his way . After dinner he asked again if I would just pull it out , I tried but quite frankly I could not get a good enough grasp to pull it very hard . He reached in and twisted and yanked and darn if that tooth didn 't come out , shocking him that he did it himself . Here is the kicker . The adult tooth has already popped through . It was coming through right behind the wiggly tooth for several days now . It is not coming in straight like his baby teeth were . There is definitely braces in his future which makes me so sad because he had beautiful teeth . I did have to reassure him that we were not in the path of the storm that it was staying near the beaches , but that we would get some rain and it would be breezy out today because of the storm . Later on after leaving the house we were in the car with the windows rolled down . His hair was flying every which way and he chimes in from the backseat " we should call this a breezy storm , it is blowing all over . " A while later at soccer practice the gusts picked up a bit and had the kids trying really hard to keep the ball in control because it kept blowing away . One gust was pretty strong and it nearly knocked a few of the little ones off their feet , so Zack yells to me " Hey Mom this hurricane is getting windier , it almost blew me away . " One of the other parents got a kick out of that and he called Zack a little version of the local meteorologist . I told him he watches the weather every morning before school so it would not surprise me one bit if he became one . Later on it finally sunk in Zack 's head what I said about the hurricane staying by the beaches . He asked if Ma was at her beach house and if the hurricane made any damage to her house . I assured him Ma had left the beach house and he could call her tomorrow and ask her if her beach house was alright . When he asked why he could not call her then , I let him know the storm had not actually gotten close to Ma 's house yet so she would not know if there was any damage . This kid of mine is like a sponge when it comes to scientific things . He did tell me today his favorite center in his classroom was the science center . Well the big day came yesterday . My youngest is no longer a baby . Yes that is right , he started kindergarten . . . not that he really wanted to . I woke him up to get ready for school . He did his normal morning routine which he hurried through because he wanted to watch some television before he had to go . We do have a rule in our house that you may watch some television only if you do everything to get ready first . This happened after he tried telling me his belly hurt . Poor kid I feel for you but you have to go to school . When we got out of the car , one of the little boys from his pre - k class pulled in right next to us . I think it helped Zack a lot seeing a familiar face . They walked into the school together . When we got to Zack 's classroom he would not go in unless Kris or I went in first . I guess he was afraid we would just leave . He did well in the classroom , learning where to put his things like his backpack and where the lunchboxes go and where to go to get his name tag . He sat at his desk which had crayons and a paper to color already on it . When I said goodbye he sort of choked up and quietly in my ear asked me not to leave . I told him I would be back in just a few hours to pick him up . His eyes looked like he would cry any minute so I quickly reminded him that he drew a picture for his teacher and it was still in his backpack . I helped him get it out and said goodbye to him and walked out . I will admit I wanted to cry but I held the tears in . Shortly after me , Kris walked out . When I looked back he was giving his teacher the picture so we walked out to the car . Now I will tell you when we walked into his classroom , I did a double take . His teacher had multiplied ! Sure did , that woman cloned herself ! There were two of them ! She did introduce the clone as her sister who was there to help her out for the first day . I bet it shocked the kids . . . hey maybe that is why Zack did not cry ? Later when I picked Zack up , I parked across the street and walked over to the school ( much easier than dealing with the long line of cars in the pick up line ) . When I got closer I had to laugh , all the car riders where sitting outside in front of the school waiting for their names to be called . I saw Zack sitting with three of his friends from pre - k . I thought it was a mini pre - k reunion . He told me about all the friends from pre - k that he saw during the day . He couldn 't for the life of him remember any of the kids names from his class this year . He told me he was not happy because the teacher thought he did not know how to use the cafeteria . I had to explain to him that she was just making sure all the kids knew how to use it because not all the kids went to pre - k last year so some of them needed to learn . I asked him if he could forgive her for that , he said he thought so ! lol . He was happy to tell me they went on the blue and yellow playground today and they went to P . E . which means gym class ! A few days ago we went to meet the teacher night at Zack 's school . The poor child barely spoke with his teacher or the assistant . He begged me to ask them certain questions and rather than making him feel more anxious I did ask for him . Was it the right thing to do ? I think so , rather than make him more nervous and upset , he was able to feel slightly more comfortable by hearing the answers . And finally , it was really important to him to know if they get to play on both playgrounds or do they just have one to play on like in preschool . He gave a nod when the teacher told him that in kindergarten the teacher gets to choose which playground to let the kids play on that day . So there you have it , the important information a 5 year needs to know before starting such a big day in his life . Once he received his answers he was ready to leave . It did not matter that mom and dad still needed questions answered . All I heard was I want to go home , lets leave , we can leave now , I don 't want to be here . Sigh . Yesterday , Kindergarten Eve was a weird day . When talking with my mom on the phone he was telling her that he was excited to be going to school . Shortly after he was done talking with her , he turned to me and said " Mom I am afraid to go to school . " What he is afraid of is beyond me , he could not / would not tell me . He was telling people what they wanted to hear and not what he was really feeling . He was hyper all day but as it turned to evening he became super hyper . He has hyper tendency 's but last night he was beyond his normal which I know means he is really anxious about something . He did not want to go to bed last night , he tried stalling . While I was reading his nightly book , he was asking questions about different pictures in the book , much more than normal . While I was singing his nightly songs , he was stopping me to ask about something from his video game . Finally I got him to calm down and go to sleep . During the day I did make a deal with him . I told him if there was no crying and no fussiness at school I would make him whatever he wanted for dinner . What do you think he chose ? Quick revert back to being a 5 year old . Chicken nuggets , french fries and apple pie with ice cream , of course . Just so you know , there is a cricket in my house that is driving me NUTS ! I figured out where the darn thing is . Right now it is residing in the wall behind the refrigerator so there is nothing I can do about it . I think I am going to go insane if this thing does not move on sooner rather than later . The spot where he lost a tooth two weeks ago already has a tooth coming in . This tooth that is so darn close to coming out has a tooth popping through just behind it already . I see braces in our future . Commercials are his favorite part , he can recite more commercials than anyone , including my niece who as a child would watch television just for commercials . ( Yes Melissa , I can remember turning the television on with you and flipping the channels just to find commercials ) . When he wants something he recites the commercials so I know all about the products and why we should have it . This morning Zack being the ever independent that he is becoming made his own breakfast . After sitting at the table and eating , he put his plate in the sink and went to the bathroom to wash his face and hands . Just as he was getting to the bathroom door he yelled " Hey Mom guess what ? I can feel a new tooth coming in at the end of my dentures ! " So apparently my independent 5 year old now has dentures . ( No wonder he dislikes going to the dentist . lol ) I am guessing he has seen one to many commercials involving denture cream ! On August 9 , the tooth fairy paid a visit to our house . Zack had a wiggling tooth and at dinner time he was showing me just how far it would bend . I asked him if I could touch it , after a tiny bit of anxiety , he caved in and let me touch it . What he did not realize was the second I touched the tooth , I pulled it out . I had taken it out and set it on the table before he realized it was even out . Although it is his second tooth that he has lost , it is the first one he has lost naturally . The first one was knocked out in a playground accident . We wrote a note to the tooth fairy and she left one in return telling him that his tooth was going to look good in her collection and to continue brushing and flossing his teeth . She also left a gold coin and 4 quarters . He was excited when he woke up the next morning to see what she left . This evening he came up to me and said " Mom put your fingernail where my tooth was " . I did not have to , I could already see the new tooth is already coming in . Seems pretty quick to me but then again what do I know . Zack and I leave messages for each other on his chalkboard which we keep in the dining room . This afternoon he left a message for me and I could not help but take a picture and share it . If you are having trouble reading it , it says ' I am hugnry ' . Yes he spelled Hungry wrong but that is ok . He is only 5 after all . BTW the M is connected it just did not appear that way in the photo . When ever Zack does something silly I always tell him " You 're fired . . . F . I . R . E . D fired . " Well now that Indigo is around a lot I have taken to telling her the same thing . Tonight at dinner we were talking about our upcoming trip to the beach . I asked her if I could dunk her in the water . She told me yes but I have to save her because I am strong . I laughed a bit but what came out oh her mouth next really had me laughing . She looked me in the eye and said " you 're fired . . . A . B . C . D . S fired ! " So apparently I have been spelling fired wrong this whole time . Happy 4th of JulyI asked Zack the other day if he knew what the fourth of July meant . He told me it was the day we celebrate Americans . So to all you Americans , I celebrate you today ! Last night Zack was a lucky little boy . Just about the time he was going to bed , someone in the next development started shooting off fireworks . They could be seen very clearly from Zacks bedroom window , so clearly from his window in fact that I was able to open the curtains and blinds so he could watch them while laying in bed . They actually put on a decent show considering it was someone doing it at home and not a professional . We went to Best Buy a few days ago to check out new phones . Mine was getting a bit on the old side and things were not working properly anymore . Kris ' was not nearly as old as mine but his was starting to mess up here and there so it was time to get new ones . The first day we looked and did not buy . While Kris and I were looking Zack found a Samsung Tablet nearby and started moving the screen around and he found the game Angry Birds on there . He played it for quite a while . The next night we ( and when I say we I mean Kris ) made the decision of which phone he was interested in so we went back to get them . Zack went straight over to the Tablets and started playing Angry Birds again . We were there for nearly two hours and I have to say for the most part Zack played that game and was behaving very good for it being past his bed time . Once we left there he started begging me to find Angry Birds on daddy 's computer . Of course Kris took his computer to work with him so I can not find it yet and I refuse to download it on my computer ( my computer is older than my phone was ) . Each day he asks for me to find it , each day I wonder how my child could have gotten hooked on a silly game so quickly ? I know if I don 't download it soon he is going to find a way to do it himself . Zack and I spent the week at the beach last week with Ma , Rae and the kids . We had such a great time that my little man did not want to come home . He let me know that I could go home and that he was staying and going to live at the beach with Ma . Apparently he could live without me : ( One day he was sitting on the couch next to Ma and she said " Zack I love you . " He responded back to her with " I love you too . " I chimed in and said " Hey what about me ? " That little bugger looked at me and said " Mom your chopped liver ! " How rude . lolI see where I stand , Ma has the beach house so he is going to butter her up as much as possible . Last night Zack was getting irritated because he wanted to go out to play and because he was supposed to have a t - ball game But it was raining and we had a lot of thunder and lightning . He turned and looked at me and said " If only I had God 's phone number , then I could call him and tell him to stop the rain . " I laughed and told him God did not have a phone number and that he could talk to him anytime . I then reminded him how he says prayers every night and that is talking to God . He said " Oh yeah I forgot about that . " Last Friday was the year end party for Zacks pre - k class and their families . I was in charge of getting it all together so I had been a bit busy dealing with that . It went well for the most part . We had to pick the kids up early from school and take them over to the local park . Once at the park all the kids decided to hit the playground , that was so much more important to them then eating their lunch . I went down to the playground to take some pictures and two of my sons classmates were swinging on the swings and repeating over and over again " Shit baby diaper " . They thought it was hilarious . I tried to get them to stop but neither one of these little ones listen so well . I did walk over to one of the parents and ask her to say something before the others picked it up . She got it to stop . After playing they worked up an appetite so we headed under the pavilion to have lunch . We catered in Subway so each child had their own Subway kids meal and the parents , siblings and everyone else had sandwich from the platters . After eating lunch they all made their way down to the playground again . They came back up a little while later for cake . I did not hear it but one of the children who was using the four letter word earlier sat down to eat his cake and told his classmate " touch my cake and I will kick your ass . " Oh nice , just what a table full of 5 year olds need to hear ! Makes me wonder what my child may or may not have heard on the playground this year . The assistant teacher had given me a bunch of party hats that she had left over from her daughters birthday party so I came up with an idea of just letting the children decorate the hats with stickers . The kids had fun doing this simple project . I purchased several books of stickers with all different themes so something caught the eye of every child . Once the party ended and we cleaned up , Zack was feeling a bit frustrated that the big kids in his school had field day and they got to jump in bounce houses and play in water and the little kids did not . So when we got home Written by " Mom , I just do not feel so well . " " What is wrong ? " " Well my belly doesn 't feel good . " " Why doesn 't your belly feel good ? " " It doesn 't feel good because it feels like I have not had any candy in a day , so I think I should get a piece of candy to make it feel better . " " Nice try kid but the answer is no . " " Oh Mom , that just is not fair . " It is amazing what he will try to pull to get a piece of candy . _____________________________ I woke up one morning feeling really tired , I did not get enough sleep at all and my legs were killing me . So I told Zack I was not feeling so well and he wanted to know what was wrong . I told him my legs hurt , I was tired and I had heartburn . He ran out of my room , into the kitchen and brought me a glass of water . As he was handing me the water he said " Mom drink this water it will cool down your heartburn so it won 't be so hot anymore . " Such a sweet kid ! That 's it , I don 't think I will be taking Zack to see ' Daddy 's work girls ' again . Last week when my truck was at the mechanics I dropped Kris off at work and took his car . When it was time to pick him up , he asked if I could come a few minutes early so the girls at the front desk could see Zack . No problem . We get there and Zack runs straight into Kris ' office . He plays around with the computer and stuff for a few minutes then we go see the girls . After saying hi to Miss Angie he headed over to Miss Cami . He proceeded to tell her about seeing her son doing the weather on TV . Then she started telling him how her boys asked her if they could have blue hair and she is going to let them . This planted the seed into my child 's head . You see he has been asking for a while now if I would put his hair up like a Mohawk . I get away with not being able to because we do not have the gel to do that . ( Thank goodness he has not remembered to ask for it in the stores ) . This morning after combing Zack 's hair he tells me he wants to have some color in his hair and some of that stuff to make a Mohawk . I just started shaking my head . He then tells me he just knows that next time we take him to the hair cutting place that they can put some color in there and I can get some stuff to put his hair in a Mohawk . What the heck am I going to do if he really remembers next time we get his hair cut ? Oh I know what I will do , I will send Miss Cami the bill for my psychiatric counseling sessions ! Zack is a lover of fried egg sandwiches . He would eat them everyday , multiple times a day if I let him . When he woke up this morning he told me he couldn 't think of what he wanted for breakfast which usually means ' I am thinking egg sandwich but if I say it you will tell me no ' . Of course I let him have an egg sandwich this morning . He was kind enough to get out the bread and the mayo while I was busy cooking the egg . He also made his own strawberry milk this morning . Once he was seated at the table and eating I asked him how it was . He had a mouth full of sandwich so he replied with a big old smile and a thumbs up . Once he swallowed he looked at me and said " Hey Mom , you and your mother make the best egg sandwiches . " ( Sure kid , you know you won 't get anymore if you don 't butter me up ) . After he finished the sandwich , he said " Mom , I give you three thumbs up for that sandwich " . He 's looking for something I just know it . Now to find out what it is . Yesterday was Mothers Day . Zack informed me the night before that I was going to sleep in because he was going to call for dad when he woke up . He did let me know that if dad did not come he would call for me and I was going to have to wake dad up but then I had to go back to sleep . Of course I knew several days in advance that I was getting breakfast in bed . My son can not yet keep a secret . So breakfast in bed it was . Notice the pancake decorated how a 5 year old boy would want it . My pancake had whip cream hair , banana eyes , chocolate chip nose and m & m mouth . The chocolate milk according to Zack was the best he ever made . It was a yummy breakfast but the chef thought he needed to share it with me . I think he ate more than I did . Along with breakfast in bed , I received this beautiful vase made for me especially by my up and coming carpenter . Of course he and dad clipped the rose off one of my bushes that they bought me last Mothers day . I love it ! During the afternoon we went to the Duke Gardens and walked around . It is a very beautiful place to go walk around and get some ideas on flowers for the yard . Thankfully it was not too hot out and we were able to enjoy it without being overheated . I do wish my child would stop and smell the roses instead of having to be the one in the lead . When we left there we met up with David , Lilly and Indigo . We went out to eat . I did not want to wait so we chose a restaurant that did not have tons of people waiting outside . Red Robin it was . the food was good , the child was cranky , the service was okay . I ordered a salad and I did not realize the others at the table was placing a friendly bet on how much of it I would actually eat . The thing was huge ! I ate about a fourth of it before I called it quits . It was a good day . Every night I sing three songs to Zack at bed time . The same three songs . If I try to skip singing one night or even skipping one song he lets me know I have to do it and do it right . If I try to change and sing something else , he doesn 't even let me get the first verse out before telling me that is not right and I need to sing his songs . Well the other night as soon as I finished the first song he had something important to ask me . I answered him and when he was satisfied with my answer he looked at me and said " Continue on Maestro " . I could not help myself , it struck me as funny and I was nearly in tears from laughter . He started laughing right along side me , then he said " Hey mom , why you laughing ? " Which of course made it even more funny for me . I love that kid and everything he says that makes me break into hysterical laughter . Zack : " Mommy I am so sad today . " Me : " Why are you sad ? " Zack : " We had to let the butterflies go to their new homes today . " Me : " Oh , well that is really a good thing , now they have a lot more room to fly around and play . " Zack : " I know that but I miss them already . " Every single day since they got the new butterfly garden in school , Zack has come home talking about them . Several times I was dragged into the classroom ( against my will on some days ) just to see the caterpillars , then it was to see the chrysalis , then to see the butterflies that had already came out of the chrysalis . He was fascinated with the whole thing . So I guess going to the butterfly farm last year was a good thing . Zack wanted to color eggs so I put a dozen in the pot to boil , just as I was putting the last one in , I accidentally dropped it in the pot and it split open . oh well eleven eggs are better than none . I set up the dyes , gave Zack the eggs and handed him a white crayon so he could write or draw on the eggs before dying them . He went to town . When he went to take the first egg out of the dye , he looked at it and said " Nope , it is not done yet . I think it needs to stay in longer . " After doing that with each egg , it was very apparent that he likes vibrant colors , no pastel for him . Here he is trying to write I love you dad on the egg before dipping it . Here he was fairly satisfied with deep yellow of this egg . After he was finished coloring all the eggs , we cleaned up and he let me know how much he loves to color eggs . He told me it does not have to be Easter to be able to color eggs . He also wanted to make a basket for daddy . Apparently we could not give daddy the treats we bought for him unless they were in a basket . So that put me in a spot to think of a way that a 5 year old could make a basket with things I had on hand . I came up with cutting a gallon milk container . Then Zack and I tore up some tissue paper , then mixed up some Elmer 's Glue with water and painted the glue on the container . Then he put the tissue paper all over the container , painted a bit more of the glue to make sure the tissue paper was completely stuck on and left it to dry . Voila , a quick and easy basket idea that a 5 year old can do . I cut a strip of the milk container to use as a handle and covered it with ribbon then attached it to the basket . To bad I forgot to take pictures of Zack doing all that messy work . He had mixed feelings about that glue being all over his hands . Went to visit the Easter Bunny yesterday . Zack did not say a word to him just hugged him and sat on his lap for the picture . I wonder how many more years he is going to let me get away with this : ) On Sunday we chilled out during the morning then after lunch we got ready to go to an egg hunt . The local parks and rec put out 4 , 000 eggs and the kids collect them all in a matter of 5 minutes . Zack was running around with a friend when we got there but once they told the kids to line up by the fence , the game was on ! He was ready to run . He collected a fair amount of eggs and could not wait to start opening them and seeing all the goodies he collected . Why do kids get so excited over stickers and temporary tattoos ? We turn the eggs back in after opening everything so they can fill them again for next year . It helps save them some money and it is less stuff that will wind up on my living room floor . When we got home from that Kris took Zack to the paintball field for a while . I just knew he would come home covered in mud , that is the only reason he goes to the field with Kris . Yup , he did not disappoint , he came home dirty . That kid loves playing in the dirt and mud . It was Zack 's turn to pick where we were eating dinner that night . Why is it that when you try to guide him into making a better pick he gets one place stuck in his brain and that is where you have to go ? I really wanted to go to a Mexican place but he was insisting we go to Wendy 's and since I had already promised him he could choose , I had to suck it up and go to Wendy 's . This past Saturday night I babysat Indigo , my granddaughter so David and Lilly could go out and have a good time . Indigo and Zack played with toys for a while , then of course they wanted to play hide and seek so we had a rousing game of that . I have got to say after ' finding ' them for the 12th time I was pretty much done with that . lol Why is it that kids hide in the same place all the time . How many times can one adult act surprised to find two little kids hidden under the covers on the couch ? Then we watched part of a movie so we could start relaxing before bed time . Once they started getting bored with the movie I knew it was time for bed . Zack was easy , he had his same routine as every other night . Indigo on the other hand insisted she needed her mommy . She did not want to lay down in the toddler bed that I have in the guest room . No , she wanted to sleep in the big bed with me . When we laid down she asked me to sing the sunshine song that I sang to Zack so I did . Each time I closed my eyes , the little stinker put her hand on my face and sort of tapped me as if to say wake up . After a half hour or so she finally fell asleep and I was able to get up . The next morning she wanted to know why I left her . She is too darn cute . Zack right before the game ended , he was starting to look a little tired . After Zack 's party on Friday night we went to see a minor league baseball game . We saw the Greensboro Grasshoppers . Of course we got there after it started but it didn 't matter , it was Zack 's first game and we had great box seats so we had a good time . I think if Zack had to be stuck in a regular seat he would not have had as much fun but with the box seats Zack was able to move around and stand up when he needed to . After the game , they had fireworks so we watched them and Zack was having a blast . As we were walking to the car he asked Kris if we could come to another game . The only problem was I forgot Zack 's jacket at home so I had to give up mine when he started feeling chilly when the wind picked up . Other than that , Kris , Zack , David , Lilly , Indigo and I all had a nice time and with any luck we will be able to do it again . Kris and Zack ( also known as mini Kris ) . DavidLilly and Indigo We finally had Zack 's 5th birthday party on Friday night . He was so excited because we had it at the children 's museum . Which is one of his favorite places to be . After feeding the kids pizza , then cake all the kids took off out of the party room to go play . Being a Friday night there were not many other people there so they pretty much had the run of the place . They even were able to go out back and check out the garden the museum has started so they can teach kids about healthy foods . The museum also has added a chicken coop with a few chickens so Zack was able to feed a couple chickens which he later told me " they pecked my hands . " He had a great time . The morning after he told me he had such a fun time that he wants his 6th birthday party there too ! Zack : " Mom can I have a snack ? " Me : " No , if you have a snack now , you can not have cake tonight . " Zack : " Argh Mom , you are so not going to get a raise . No more extra money for you ! " Me : " What ? Am I missing something ? When did I start getting paid ? " Zack just rolled his eyes are me and walked off . Someone please tell me when I started getting paid and where the heck is this money going ? _______________________________________________ This morning I called for Zack and told him it was time to go brush his teeth and wash up so he could go to school . There was no response , so I walked into the living room to find him hiding under a blanket on the couch . Me : " Zack get up you need to get ready for school . " Zack : " Zack is not here . . . leave a message after the beep . . . . BEEP . " Me : " Zack go get ready for school . " Zack : " I told you Zack is not here , leave a message after the beep . . . BEEP . " Me : " Zack I am not kidding , go get ready now . " He got off the couch grumbling " Mom , you are not fair , you wake me up to early , you make me do things I don 't want to do and you make me go to school when I don 't want to . " Oh being a mom is so much fun . Lets see in the past week I have been called lame a few times . Now according to my 5 year old " Mom you are so pathetic . " He has been using the word stupid a lot which is driving me crazy . When I asked him where he heard that one he told me Squidward on SpongeBob uses that word . Thanks SpongeBob . . . NOT . I love when my kiddo learns new words ( insert me rolling my eyes here ) . He does not quite know what the meaning really is but hey they are big words to him so he uses them . Oh and the best was last week Kris was trying tell Zack something that he apparently did not want to hear . The next thing we knew Zack told him to ' put a sock in it ' . Yup he said it and he knew what it meant . We questioned him on where he heard it because neither Kris nor I use that term . Apparently that is the term his teachers use at nap time when the kids continue to talk instead of being quiet like they are supposed to be . UPDATE : Tonight Zack said " Hey Mom , I learned a new word for mouth . " Me : " Oh , and what word would that be ? " Zack : " Salavation . " Me : " What ? " Zack : " Sal - a - va - tion " Me : " And that means what ? " Zack : " That is another word for mouth . " Upon deeper searching he meant salivation meaning drooling . It was just too easy thing morning . I woke Zack up this morning , told him his breakfast was already made . He got up , went and climbed into bed with daddy like he does every morning . A few minutes later I told him to get to the table because his bagel and cream cheese was waiting for him . Typical Zack style , he stuck his finger in the cream cheese and licked it . And that is when he caught on . " Mom you tricked me this is not cream cheese , it is frosting ! " It took another minute before he took a bite of the bagel to realize it was a donut . Just wait until he sees what is for dinner . On the way home from picking Zack up at school today he said " Mom , I loved breakfast today . " I had forgotten that I let him eat at school today instead of fixing him breakfast at home . So I asked him what he had to eat . He told me an Apple Crutter . I don 't know what the heck an Apple Crutter is so I asked him what an Apple Crutter was . He said " No Mom an Apple Cruder " . ( Pronounced Crude - er ) Okay at this point I am thinking to myself that I must be dumb because I have never heard of an Apple Cruder . So I asked again " What is an Apple Cruder ? " He gets louder at this point like I am hard of hearing and says " Mom , I said an Apple Cruder ! " So I asked him to please explain it to me , tell me what it looked like and what it tasted like . " Mom it has apples and cinnamon and it is on a stick and you cook it . It is about this big " ( he holds his hands about 3 - 4 inches apart ) . I am still at a loss as to what it could mean so I asked again if it was really called an Apple Cruder . He was starting to get irritated with me as he repeated for the 100th time " It was an Apple Cru - Der . " Me : " Do you mean an apple fritter ? " Zack : " No , an Apple Cruder . " My brain is going a mile a minute trying to think of things made with apple . Me : " Do you mean Apple Strudel ? " Zack : " Yes that is what I told you ! " At this point I had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard which was not a good thing while trying to drive . Since when do they put Apple Strudel on sticks and serve them for breakfast ? Zack loves to play with water . He still loves to play with his water table , he loves going to the beach , and he loves to play squirters ( that is what he calls water guns ) . In the dead of winter he asks to have squirter fights . I feel like I am always explaining to him that it is to cold out so I came up with a plan . It has to be 80 degrees outside to be able to get the squirters out . Since this plan went into effect , Zack watches the weather man every morning and waits patiently to see if the number 80 appears anywhere on the screen . Well today he was super excited to see it . That is all he talked about on the way to school . When I picked him up we made a plan . We are evil little planners . We had the squirters filled and ready to go so when we saw Kris pull in the driveway we ran out the door and hid behind my truck . We waited . Every couple of seconds Zack would stand up and try to sneak a peak to see if Kris was out of the car yet . Once Kris got out of his car , Zack and I jumped up and ambushed him ! My manly man husband let out a roar when that cold water hit him ! My innocent little boy couldn 't seem to hit his target because he was laughing so much so I just had to pick up the slack for him : ) Kris was a little wet when we let him into the house but thankfully he was a good sport about it . Once inside the house Zack walked up to Kris and said " We are the champions of 80 degree squirters " . I could not help but laugh . I do not know why but I have a feeling there is going to be some payback soon . Yesterday I promised Zack we would watch a movie together . He asked me to choose the movie , so I did . When I went to pop the popcorn he decided he did not want to watch that one and he picked out a different one . The little stinker does that all the time . Next time I will pick the one I do not want to watch . On the way up stairs I went to turn off the light and lock the door and I spilled most of my popcorn , duh moment # 1 . Then I went to set my drink down so I could clean up my popcorn and I missed the darn table completely and tea went flying everywhere , duh moment # 2 ! My darling little boy who is standing on the stairs with his drink and his popcorn in hand looked at me and said " Hey Mom , this night is not starting out so good . " ( Thanks a lot kid . ) Then he laughed at me . He giggled so much he spilled his own popcorn . ( Ha that will teach him to laugh at me . ) We finally made it up the stairs and started the movie , with barely any popcorn in my bowl I was hoping the giggler would share his with me . Not a chance on that one . He told me I should not have dropped mine : ( On a side note : Zack had his 5 year well visit with the doctor today . As I expected it was a battle . He did well enough to get things done and checked but when it was time for his shots he freaked out . I am so grateful he does not have to have anymore shots . He still has a lot of fluid in the ears so he is still not hearing everything . We are to continue with his meds for that . He had his first experience with the whole pee in a cup and he was not so happy with that . My just turned 5 year old is one half inch away from being 4 foot tall ! Where the hell did this kid get his height ? It certainly was not from me . I fear by the time he is in 3rd grade I will be looking up to him . My child is just to darn strong ! He is a powerhouse at the tender age of 5 . Tonight before soccer practice one kid decided he wanted to play goalie . They don 't have goalies at this age but this kid wanted to . The coach and Zack were kicking the ball at him while they were waiting for others to show up . Zack lined up an kicked it . The next thing I know I heard a thud and the goalie went down on the ground crying . Oh man , I felt so bad for the kid because I knew it hurt . Zack had kicked that ball hard and nailed the kid right in the chest . A few minutes of crying and catching his breathe and the kid was ok . Zack apologized for hurting him , all was well with the world . About half an hour later they were on the field , Zack kicked the ball and nailed this poor kid again ! This time he got him on the thigh , the kid went down again in tears . Trust me my kid is not out to get this other kid , they actually get along pretty well on the field . Later on during practice the coach put up his hand for a high five from Zack . When Zack slapped his hand the coach pulled his hand away shaking it as he was saying " Ouch " . No he was not playing . My son does not know his own strength . He does not get that when he swings , it hurts . I have been on the receiving end of his strength when we clown around . When I get to tickling him that kid just start swinging his arms and legs . He is brutal . I have gotten my share of bruises but he is not doing it intentionally . He is just so darn powerful for a kid . I pity anyone who makes him mad when he becomes an adult . ______________________ On a side note , in the car yesterday he was a little chatter box . At one point he started a conversation with " Hey Mom when I grow up and you are old . . . " I will admit at that point I tuned him out . Happy Saint Patrick 's DayZack asked me if the Leprechaun was going to sneak into our house again this year like he did last year . When I told him I did not know he asked if we could trap him so he did not do anything sneaky again to all our food . So for the past two days Zack has worked hard on building a trap . He painted a box to look like a green castle . To my impatient child the waiting for the paint to dry was the hardest task . Last night before bed he was so excited to set the trap , he just knew he would get to see that little leprechaun in the morning . He made sure the gold coins were just right so they could be seen by that leprechaun and lure him in . Morning came and my goodness there were shamrocks on the floor in his bedroom , they led out the door and to the stairs . Then down the stairs , through the dining room , into the kitchen then to the living room . They stopped right in front of the trap . He just knew the leprechaun was trapped in that castle . When we lifted up the castle there was no leprechaun and no gold coins either but the little sneak left Zack some chocolate coins and a few other little things . Boy was my child disappointed not to see the Leprechaun . He did scream and giggle when he got the milk out and he realized the Leprechaun had turned it green ! While he was eating he was telling me all about the trap he wants to build next year because ' after all we have to build one every year until we catch him ' . I hope he continues to do silly things with his kids when he becomes a dad . Zack decided he wanted to take lunch to school today so I packed a ham sandwich on spinach wraps ( because they are green ) and I cut it into a shamrock shape . Must stick with the theme of the day ! I love to see my little man giggle over such silliness . Yesterday was the birth date of Theodore S . Geisel also known as Dr . Suess . This year we decided to celebrate his birthday for him . We made a small treat for each of Zacks classmates ( when I say we , I mean me . Zack decided it was more important to go outside to play ) . ' The Cat in the Hat ' It is just a Oreo Fudge Creme with a marshmallow on top held on by some frosting , then I piped a couple stripes of frosting in red to look like the hat from The Cat in the Hat . Simple , easy and all the kids and teachers loved it in school ! Zacks class made some Cat in the Hat hats to wear in school . He was so excited about this simple little hat he wore it for a long time . ' The Cat in the Hat comes back ' After he came home from school we made some Green OObleck also known as goo . He had a blast playing with this . When it was in the bowl it was hard and he could punch it but when he grabbed some and lifted it , it was a liquid . He asked if we could make this again another time . ' Bartholomew and the Oobleck ' When dinner time rolled around we could not let the day pass without having some Suessical type of dinner . I know it is hard to see in the picture but that is green eggs and ham . ' Green Eggs and Ham ' And to end a wonderful day of celebrating a legend in the world of children 's books we sang happy birthday to a man who brings such joy to many children around the world . I give up ! This afternoon Zack and I were chatting about nothing , while he ate his after school snack . After a while I asked him who my pride and joy was . He responded with Daddy , David and Me . I let him know he was right . A few seconds of silence and he came out with " Mom , let me tell you who I love . I love Daddy , David , Grandma and Grandpa . . . " He went on to name a few more people . I was not mentioned . Yes , you read that right , I WAS NOT MENTIONED ! So I asked him why he didn 't love me . " Well Mom I don 't love you because you are chopped liver . " Okay I will admit my jaw hit the floor . So there you have it , on February 23 , 2011 I officially became chopped liver ! This morning while Zack was getting his shoes and coat on so we could head out to school , I checked out the front door to see if Kris was nice enough to warm up my truck for us . No such luck , he was already gone . Jokingly I said to Zack " Gee Daddy sure is rude , he did not even warm the truck up for us . " Much to my surprise my little man said " If daddy does not warm up our truck then we are going to trade him in for a new daddy . " I could not help but laugh ! I called Kris but only got his voice mail . While I was leaving him a message telling him what his son said , Zack must have thought he needed to revise that because he yelled into the phone , " Daddy if you don 't warm our truck up we are going to trade you in for a new daddy BUT if he doesn 't warm our truck up then we will take you back . " Gosh I love that kid ! Kris offered to take Zack with him today to go hang out at a paintball field . Of course Zack was not going to turn down that offer . Hanging out at a paintball field means playing in dirt . mud puddles and throwing rocks . Three of his favorite things to do . As they are getting ready to leave Zack says " Hey Mom , if you decide we can go to Burger King today that would be a good thing and you can just call us on the phone , just give us a shout . We can meet you there . " Give us a shout ? , now where the heck did he hear that ? I have never said that and I don 't think I have heard Kris say it either . I will admit it was kind of funny hearing something like that come from this little man . We have a television star in the family now . Does it matter that it was a closed circuit television and only the children in the school were able to view it ? Heck no , that does not matter at all ! Zack was so excited that he was on television at school . He was chosen two days in a row to go to the media center and say the pledge of allegiance . He wanted to say the pledge and he wanted to do well with it so he practiced it a few times . If I had a disk for my camera I would get him on video because it is too darn cute . He holds his hand over his heart and says " I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Amewica ( he still does not save the R sound down yet ) and to the Wepublic for which it stands , one nation under God , Invisible ( yes that is what he says ) , with liberty and jusnice ( I am not really sure what a jusnice is but we will go with that for now ) to all . I don 't think his new found stardom has gone to his head but then again you never know . We made it into the doctor to have Zacks ears checked . On the way over there , he started getting worried about going . By the time we made it into the waiting room , he was filled with " Mommy I don 't really want to do this . " I lost count of how many times I tried to reassure him that all they were going to do was have him listen to the beeps in the headphones and then look into his ears with the light . When they finally called his name , I was very grateful that he had the sweetest nurse . She asked him to get on the scale , then took his temperature . Then lead him to the quiet room . He asked me to stand next to him so I did . She explained everything to him before she did anything . He could not have been a better patient . When we were waiting in the exam room , he was a bit nervous again but I assured him everything was going to be fine . His pediatrician came in and said he failed the hearing exam with them . When he checked Zacks ears he said there is so much fluid in there that the ear drum can not vibrate . He said there is no wax in his ears so that is a good thing . The fluid that is in his ears is not causing an infection it is just the amount that is in there that is preventing him from hearing certain sounds . Zack sat there like such a big boy and told the doctor how he can not hear somethings when he is too far away from them . He let the doctor know he needs to have the television up or he can not hear his favorite cartoons . So he is on two medicines to clear up all the fluid and we go back in 3 weeks to have his hearing tested again . I can not say how relieved I am that it is not something serious . The other day I asked Zack what kind of birthday cake he wanted this year . He just looked at me , so I named a few off for him to choose from . Vanilla , Chocolate , Marble , Carrot . . . You know I was thinking of just picking up a sheet cake at the store . He then said I will think about it and let you know . The next day I had Paula Deen from the Food network on TV . I was not paying too much attention to the show but apparently Zack was because he started pointing to the TV and says " Mom that 's it , that is the cake I want , I want that Chocolate Explosion Cake ! " I looked up just in time to see her and her guests enjoying a delicious looking cheesecake . I am pretty sure I did not mention cheesecake as one of the choices I listed for him . Oh why oh why does my child have to love the finer things in life ? Zack is my youngest . He is 9 and very active . He doesn 't sit still for anything . He is funny , loving and so darn cute . Don 't tell anyone but I think I am going to have my hands full with this one . I always say if he was born first i never would have had a second .

At 22 weeks , Rosie is still refusing to sleep for long periods of time - at night . The sling is a different story . I haven 't yet resorted to wearing the sling to bed , but it 's close . Thankfully , she 's adorable as hell during the day , chunky thighs and all . I mean , HELLO , look at those eyes . Gah . She turns into a cartoon character when she smiles ! She 's hit that awkward stage where she really really wants to be up and around , but just can 't yet . She grabs for all my food , all Mitchell 's toys , everything . Her favorite thing right now is a set of links . She rattles them , she chews on them , she gets body parts stuck in them ( did I mention she has CRAZY narrow feet ) , all in all she loves them . She also loves Laika right now . Poor dog . If she isn 't outrunning Mitchell ( who 's decided she 's a horse ) , she 's getting drooled on by a baby . Luckily she 's got that neglected child persona going on , so she takes any attention she can get , good or bad . Rosie got her first cereal tonight . She loved it . I cried . I would have appreciated at least token resistance to the idea of growing up . But no . She grabbed the spoon and ate as much as she could . https : / / goo . gl / photos / ZTcFAUjC4UiGxdGq8 Mitchell 's very first speech therapy session was this afternoon . Because there 's a shortage of therapists in Dayton ( along with every other medical professional ) , the only chance of us getting into therapy this summer was taking the 12 : 30 slot , even though that 's not an ideal time for us at all . It takes half an hour to get there , which screws up lunch , then it lasts for an hour , and after the half hour drive back we 've already started eating into nap time . To be fair , I added another 20 minutes to that because Mitchell and I both needed a Chick - Fil - A fix after that . Oi . An hour out , he 's naked , sneaking outside . I put his clothes back on him and we go play outside for a while . Where he promptly steps into the one pile of dog poop out there . Ok , just kidding , Kingsley 's been getting into the berries again , so there are probably way more piles out there than I thought . Forty - five minutes out , I catch Mitchell playing his first game of hit the target . He took the bowl out of his little potty chair and set it halfway up the stairs . He sat on the step above it and was , shall we say , lining up his shot when I caught him and , luckily , stopped him . But we magically got there only ten minutes late . And we came away from his therapy session unscathed . I 'm not sure how he 'll feel about going back next week , but we 'll tackle that when it comes . Apparently Cabbage Patch Baby is now Child # 3 . The bad part is , it looks totally plausible that she could be my third bald little baby . Seriously , my poor little baldies . Mitchell even has hair now , and he still looks bald . Anyway . A few minutes later , he tried to sneak outside in his underwear . When I told him he couldn 't go outside , he thought it was because he didn 't have shoes , so he put shoes on . Then , for clothes , he chose a cape . A for Effort , buddy . And another A for Adorable . Mitchell 's in love . He 's decided baseball is his new favorite thing . The neighbor kids play it all the time , but the youngest one is 7 , so they are a little big for Mitchell . Not in his eyes , of course . In their eyes . While we were home , he played baseball with some friends ' kids and he thought it was pretty much the best thing ever . As a leftie , he made it a bit harder on the pitcher , and on Mommy trying to show him how to bat even though she 's never played baseball in her life . Since he loves baseball so much , Justin decided that we 'd all spend Father 's Day at the local minor league team game , the Dayton Dragons . Mitchell watched the game for approximately two minutes , then decided that the 7 - year - old sitting next to us was much more interesting , karate chops and all . But I got a couple pictures that prove we were there , so when Mitchell 's 20 he can look back at the pictures of him and Dad at baseball games over the years and say that he 's always gone to games with his dad . Fake memories for the win ! Gah . I 'm terrible . Rosie turned 5 months old 8 days ago , and I 'm just now getting around to posting it ! In my defense , things have been going a little crazy around here . Is jet lag a thing when you didn 't leave the U . S . ? Look at my little chunk ! If you look closely enough , you can even see some arm rolls . This isn 't the best shot to see them , but this girl has some ridiculous thigh rolls . Her legs are like a little shar pei . I don 't know how much she weighs , but she 's in 6 - 9 month clothes . She had to switch to 6 - 9 month shorts a month ago because 3 - 6 month shorts wouldn 't fit over her thighs . But her feet are still too small for shoes . Length - wise , she can almost fit into 0 - 3 month shoes , but width - wise , she 's still in newborn shoes . So shoes just fall right off her feet . She doesn 't even have to go to the trouble of pulling at them . Rosie 's currently going through a bit of a spoiled phase . Apparently 24 straight hours of being carried in the sling ( during airport hell ) wasn 't enough to ruin it for her . I figured by the time we got home she wouldn 't want anything to do with the sling . But no , she 's decided that 's the only place she wants to be . At night , she only sleeps for about an hour at a time . Sometimes she 'll sleep for two hours . Since she used to only wake up once or twice a night , this is , to say the least , a disappointing turn of events . I read that she could be outgrowing the swaddler , so last night we attempted the night without the swaddler , but it didn 't make much of a difference . Oh well . I mean , it only took two years for Mitchell to sleep through the night , so at least I know that it won 't last forever ! : S Other than the sleeping thing , she 's adorable . She rolls all over now , usually trying to get to Big Brother . She seeks out her favorite toys ( a lovey blanket , a teething ball , and a stuffed animal ) . She doesn 't hesitate to let the world know when something isn 't to her liking . And when she 's being carried around , she tries to flip around so she can face out and watch everything . She 's such a snuggler , too . As soon as I pick her up , she nuzzles into my neck and acts like we 've been separated for days , not just the three minutes it took me to pee . She 's very much a mama 's girl , so I thank the Pinterest gods daily for giving me the pattern for the ring sling . I have no idea how people have two kids without a ring sling . At least one child would be screaming constantly around here without it . I just hope Rosie decides she can do without it before she 's 5 . I 'd rather not carry her to kindergarten in it . Father 's Day fell on the perfect weekend this year . After being away from Justin for 8 days , we were all so ready to be home . And then the ninth day was thrown in there , and we were REALLY ready to be home . Sometimes , when it 's just Justin and the kids and me here , day in and day out , living our routine , it 's easy to take each other for granted . It 's easy to forget just how fabulous it is to have someone predict how you 're going to be feeling and stop to grab you something special . Or just take the kids for half an hour so you can have some glorious alone time ( even though once you have said alone time , you can only manage to stare blankly at your phone screen while taking deep , calming breaths and promising yourself that the NEXT kid won 't be so hard to potty train ) . I don 't think I ever underestimate how much Mitchell loves his daddy or vice versa , but it definitely took my breath away when they saw each other for the first time in nine days . They 've been spending quite a bit of time together since we 've been back . Mitchell barely lets Justin out of his sight . Justin couldn 't even eat dinner tonight on his own . I know I got lucky with Justin . But I 'm so happy that Mitchell and Rosie also got lucky . They have a father who completely dotes on them and wants nothing more than to be their best friend . When Justin has down time , he can be found scouring the internet for future projects for him and Mitchell ( I assume Rosie will join the crew soon ) . How awesome is that ? He spends his spare time finding more ways to spend his spare time with his kids . I love you , hubbie . You 're definitely the best ! And I 'd probably be saying this even if you hadn 't let me sleep until 10 the past couple mornings . Because my flights to Kansas had gone so well , I approached the Kansas City airport with confidence . Our flight departed at 6 : 10 and it was about 4 : 30 at that point , so I didn 't think we had anything to worry about . I 've never been more wrong about anything in my life . I mean , trying the Sriracha flavored Lays was bad , but nothing compared to this . It was awful from the beginning . Kansas City didn 't have a dedicated TSA pre - check lane , so we had to unstrap the car seat , unpack the laptop and tablet , I even had to take Rosie off and run the sling through the x - ray . A man and woman in line behind me were being so helpful , but when he tried to take Woody from Mitchell , Mitchell decided he didn 't want to fly again . It was awful . So , we get to the other side , and I find out I have to go to the side to be swabbed down because I 'd been carrying Rosie . The same lady was trying to repack our carry - on , but I 'd had everything in there JUST SO and it was hell getting it back in . Eventually we got everything settled again and were on our way to the gate . I 'd like to point out that the fellow passengers were oh - so - helpful , while the screening agents were oh - so - less - than - helpful . I know they were just trying to get us through , but Dayton workers were SO HELPFUL . I have no doubt that , even without other passengers , none of the workers would have helped me . So , on the way to the gate , I stopped at Starbucks to grab Mitchell something to eat . It was only 4 : 30 , but we weren 't due in Chicago until almost 8 , which is a pretty late dinner . While we waited in line , I overheard the worker saying something along the lines of , " I don 't care what he says , we 're closing . I 'm done with this . " Which is always a good sign . We got to the front of the line , and I asked for a wrap , and she informed me that the ovens were off , so no wraps . As soon as she said that , Mitchell started crying . I was shocked that he 'd made this connection , and she immediately offered to turn the ovens back on . Upon closer examination , though , it turned out he had his finger stuck between the counter and the wall . Hard . And , being Mitchell , the more attention strangers showed him , the worse it was . I had to argue with the lady to just give me a muffin instead of cooking a wrap just so we could get out of there . We got to our gate , and the security guard at the exit decided to tease Mitchell for crying . " Oh , those aren 't even real tears ! You aren 't even crying ! That 's the fakest cry I 've ever heard ! You don 't even have a reason to be crying ! " All of which made Mitchell cry that much harder . Because that 's what kids do . I was pissed . I finally told her that he DID have a reason to be crying , he 'd pinched his finger and it was blue , and she JUST KEPT GOING . Then Mitchell dropped the damn muffin anyway , and got worked up even more . So we moved . I 'd been trying to stay in line for the gate because they 'd overbooked the flight and I really didn 't want to get bumped , but I had to get Mitchell away from that awful woman . Finally got Mitchell calmed down , confirmed that we had a seat on the plane and wouldn 't get bumped , and then Rosie started screaming . I 'm pretty sure every single person waiting for that flight were crossing their fingers , toes , and praying to whoever they prayed to that they didn 't get stuck anywhere near us on the plane . Rosie was hungry and tired , but I really wanted to wait until we were on the plane to feed her . Mitchell was a bit more active this time around . He was tired , hungry , and ready to be home . But he was settled down before the plan even left the ground . Rosie was awake , because Rosie apparently doesn 't sleep on planes . Funny story interlude : the guy sitting in front of Mitchell was drunk . Well , at least tipsy . He was also nervous as hell . So , Mitchell did his thing . He asked lots of questions about the airplane having gas . Then , as we neared Chicago , he started pointing out the window and saying " Water ! " I said no , it 's just clouds . He got more and more insistent , and finally I saw that he was right , we were flying over water . So I confirmed that yes , that was water . So he started yelling , " Airplane go down ! IN WATER ! Water ! Airplane go down in water ! " The more I corrected him and said we were NOT actually going to LAND in the water , we were just descending to get closer to the airport , the more emphatically he said we were going down in the water . The poor guy in front of him almost cried , I swear . The child has a knack . Before we even left Kansas City , I got a text saying my next flight was delayed . It 'd gone from departing at 9 : 08 to 10 : 40 . I groaned , but thought at least we wouldn 't have to run to catch it and we could stop and eat something . We got to Chicago and stopped to eat . Well , Mitchell paused to eat , then jumped around , which Rosie thought was hilarious . I have no idea how he had that much energy . We did our last round of diaper changes and headed to our gate . While we were eating , I got another alert saying our flight had been delayed again and wouldn 't depart until 11 : 25 , which put us into Dayton at about 1 : 40 a . m . My blood pressure rose a bit . Between then and midnight , though , I got seven text messages alerting me to further delays or gate changes . Rosie slept , thankfully , and I resorted to parenting via tablet once Mitchell decided that it was his job to pick every piece of trash off the floor and throw it away . We also wandered the airport a lot . Mitchell loved the moving walkways , so we walked them so often I lost count . All while I was carrying Rosie , a backpack , and wheeling the carry - on . We were hanging in there . A little worse for wear , but hanging in there . Everything was closed by this point , so I begged the Starbucks for a cup of ice water for us . Then , at midnight , almost an hour after my flight was initially scheduled to land in Dayton , the flight was cancelled completely due to pilot fatigue . The entire gate hollered . The gate attendant announced that we could go to customer service to get a hotel room and be rebooked to a different flight . So , by this point it 's midnight , and Mitchell hadn 't slept yet . He was done . He alerted everyone to this fact by throwing himself on the floor and screaming when I tried to move him away from the fish by the customer service line . I couldn 't blame him , as that 's what I wanted to do , too . But in the process of getting him up off the floor , I woke Rosie up , and she started screaming . So even though Mitchell finally stopped crying , I still had a screaming baby while waiting in line . God bless her , a woman next to me in line took it upon herself to shame the people in line in front of me into letting me cut them in line . All except a few single guys at the front of the line pushed me forward . Usually I would have said no , I 'll wait in line like everyone else , but I was beyond thinking I could handle this on my own . Mitchell was sitting in his car seat nodding off until I would try to shuffle forward , at which point he would jump up and take off . Finally , when I was next in line anyway , a United worker took me to another desk to rebook my flight . She commented on the giant car seat attached to the carry - on , the two kids , and my backpack and said I had my hands full . I agreed . She told me my best option was a 7 : 00 a . m . Delta flight to Detroit , then to Dayton . I said whatever . She told me to go feed Rosie while she got everything settled . So I did . Mitchell passed out on the bench , sitting up , while I was feeding Rosie . First time he 's ever done something like that . Sheer exhaustion will do that to you . So , after everything was settled , she handed me $ 21 in food vouchers ( " We 're only supposed to give $ 7 per adult , but this is a special circumstance " ) and couple slips of paper to give to the Delta gate attendants to get a seat on the flight . She told me that the flight was in another terminal , so I 'd have to take a bus there in the morning at 5 : 30 when it opened . She told me I could walk there if I wanted to tonight ( I was really worried about cutting it too close and missing my flight ) , but I 'd havI laid Mitchell down , and sat down myself . Then I looked at my child , and it broke my heart . So I went up to the customer service desk . If I stood off to the side of it , I could still see the back of the seat Mitchell was laying on . I tried to get the customer service guy 's attention who was closest to me , but he ignored me and took the next customer in line . Finally I yelled loud enough that the lady down the way could hear me . She came over . I told her that our flight had been cancelled , and we were sleeping on the benches . I asked if there was anything they could do for us . She told me if we wanted somewhere private to sleep , we could head to the family restroom . I 'm sorry , WHAT ? Sleep on the bathroom floor ? Seriously ? I could 't believe she 'd said that to me . I told her I 'd only packed enough diapers for the trip , and I only had one left ( Rosie took care of that shortly after ) . She shrugged . SHRUGGED . She said some of the family restrooms might have vending machines with diapers , and I was welcome to check them . I said Mitchell was sleeping , and I couldn 't carry him and Rosie at the same time while moving the carry - on . I asked her for any ideas . She looked at me and said , " I don 't know . Maybe pack enough diapers for the trip next time ? " At that point I was so angry I didn 't trust myself to say anything more to her . I walked away . She apparently left to see if the closest family restroom had diapers , but it didn 't . Instead she gave me an overnight kit . Gee , thanks . Ever tried to pee or do anything else in a bathroom with a baby strapped to your chest and a toddler running around ? Yeah , I didn 't even crack open that overnight kit until we made it home . So I laid there next to Mitchell . They must 've shut their wi - fi off for the night , because I couldn 't get anything . All the stores were closed . As I lay there , I got angrier and angrier . I couldn 't believe their reaction to this situation . So I went back up . This time , I talked to the guy . I 'd already tried my luck with the woman and was still too angry to face her . Once again , I explained my situation to him . I said that the gate attendant had told us we 'd be given hotel rooms for the night . He pointed out that other people were sleeping on benches , people did it all the time . I said , " Yes , but we 're talking about a TODDLER here . My TODDLER fell asleep on a bench and I have to get him up in five hours to make our next flight . And there 's NOTHING you can do for me ? " No . Nothing . The woman came over and threw three blankets at me . I told the guy , " I understand the delayed flight , but I don 't think you understand how badly you just screwed me over . I have no diapers ! I packed enough for the trip ! What do I do ? " He just said , " These things happen . " He asked what anyone else had done for me , and I said the food vouchers and printing our itinerary . He said he could give me more food vouchers . I asked if I could spend them in Detroit , and he said no , just Chicago , and I asked how in the world I was going to spend more than $ 21 in the hour and a half that we 'd be in the Chicago airport , since everything was going to be closed until at least 5 : 30 , and we 'd be spending time in Detroit . He said that 's all he could do . Again , I got myself worked up enough that I couldn 't talk to him anymore . So I went back and laid down . I tried to sleep , but even though I had Rosie strapped tightly onto my chest , I had visions of her falling off or to the side and getting smothered . And even without thinking of that , I kept envisioning Mitchell waking up and wandering off in the middle of the Chicago airport . So I didn 't . I just laid there . Well , not entirely true . Rosie couldn 't sleep very well ( gee , I wonder if it was the 60 degree building , the bright lights , the banging around from the workers ? ) , so I walked around with her a lot . And Mitchell woke up scared a lot , so I sat with him . I hadn 't planned on opening the blankets on principle , but it was FREEZING . I opened one for myself , dug Mitchell 's blanket out of the carry - on ( thank goodness I 'd put it there instead of the checked bag ) , and gave one to a Chinese woman who spoke approximately three words of English so the customer service people must not have cared about her comfort but was obviously freezing as well . It was a long , boring night . In retrospect , it was kinda a short night . We stopped at McDonald 's and spent $ 7 of our food vouchers . The rest went unspent . I almost spent them on principle , but wanted to get to the shuttle as soon as it opened . Quick stop at the bathroom , because I hadn 't used the restroom since the rest stop on the highway on the way to the airport the day before and Mitchell was semi - comatose so I figured I could possibly control him while I sat there . No diaper changes for the kids , because we hadn 't yet located any diapers . So , we get to the shuttle pick - up spot . At that point I found out it didn 't open until 6 . I also realized I couldn 't find my flight number on any of the boards , and I had no idea which gate I was going to in this other terminal , so I stopped a United person and asked for help . She said I wouldn 't see the flight number until I got over to the new terminal , and the shuttle was the only way to get there . The walk would require actually leaving the airport and going around . She pointed to a set of stairs that I 'd have to take to get to the shuttle . My heart sank . It was 6 by this point , and I couldn 't manage stairs with Mitchell , Rosie , and , most importantly , the carry - on with the car seat strapped to it . I told her I couldn 't do stairs , and she shrugged and said that 's the only way to get to the shuttle , which was the only way we were going to make the flight at this point . I almost cried . My voice quaked . I said , " Seriously , I HAVE to get to this flight . I can 't stay in this airport any longer ! Our flight last night was cancelled , we spent the night in the airport ! They rebooked me onto this flight ! " She said , " Well , the shuttle is the only way to get there in time , and the stairs are the only way to get to the shuttle " and walked away . Thankfully , a gentleman had heard the entire exchange and offered to carry the suitcase and car seat for me . He was huffing and puffing by the time we got to the bottom , so I know I couldn 't have managed it . Oh , did I mention the shuttle didn 't REALLY start until 6 : 15 ? And I wasn 't even in the right concourse when we got to the other terminal ? So , to recap , they rebooked me onto a flight that departed at 7 : 02 a . m . and started boarding at 6 : 30 , in another terminal , which could only be reached by a shuttle that started at 6 , that could only be reached by a set of stairs that I couldn 't possibly manage due to the carry - on and car seat that the attendant who rebooked my flight commented on , so she knew my limitations . Thankfully , we made it to the new flight with a few minutes to spare , to discover that it 'd been delayed . Mitchell was less - than - stellar while we waited . He kept wanting to run to the windows and look out , and then run to the trash can , and basically do anything but stand next to me . Once we got on the plane , he was good , which was AWESOME because we ended up sitting on the runway for an hour . The pilot said it was because of rain , and , while it was raining , fellow passengers were looking up other flights on their phones that were also headed east and they were all on time , so they swore there was no reason for us to be delayed . We also sat there for quite a long time after it stopped raining , supposedly waiting our turn for take - off . It turns out every single person on that flight was only landing in Detroit for a connecting flight , because the closer we got to Detroit , the more everyone was getting ready to run . I asked the attendant for options , because we were going to land with only twenty minutes to make our connecting flight two concourses away and I HAD to make that flight . I tried to explain our situation , but she kept walking away . She said they didn 't have the electric carts or anything at Detroit , but she 'd order me a wheelchair and assistance to run our stuff across the airport . I asked if they would hold the next flight , or if she could call ahead for me , but she said that wasn 't necessary . She said they 'd be able to see that we were coming from this delayed flight so they 'd hold it for me . As soon as the plane stopped , everyone was up . I had another guy get my carry - on down for me , and I held my ground when people behind me asked to get in front of me . I told myself I just had to be selfish at that point , because I couldn 't stay in an airport a moment longer . As soon as the doors opened , I got Mitchell in front of me and told him to run . We stopped to grab his car seat and strap it on to the carry - on , then ran out the gate . I stopped at what I thought was our wheelchair , but the worker said no , it was in use . I said the attendant had said she 'd order us one to meet us at the gate , and the worker started to argue with me about it , saying " I don 't know nothing about that , nobody told me anything , " and I just said " Whatever , I don 't have time for this shit , " and ran . Mitchell and I ran . A lot . We ran two concourses over , only pausing for escalators . That 's right , escalators . We didn 't take elevators . The suitcase may not be suitable for use anymore . But whatever . I ran with a 40 + pound backpack on my back ( seriously , the thing just kept getting heavier ) , a 15 pound baby strapped to my chest , and pulling a carry - on with a car seat strapped to it . Mitchell just ran . But it was in vain . We arrived at our gate TWO MINUTES late . TWO MINUTES . And the plane was gone . A fellow passenger was already there , and shook his head as I ran up . That was the point where it became all too much . I cried . " Nooooo ! But we RAN the WHOLE WAY ! " Seriously , I was wheezing by the time we got there . The lady just shook her head and said , " We aren 't allowed to hold a plane . " Which was bull , as just the night before I 'd watched a United gate attendant hold a flight for four passengers on a delayed flight . " But the attendant promised ! I ran a two - year - old across two concourses to get here ! We were supposed to be home LAST NIGHT ! My kids are out of diapers ! We slept in an airport last night ! " I was just done . The lady said our flight had already been rebooked and she 'd look it up for me . She informed me that we were to fly to La Guardia now , and would be in Dayton by 10 : 00 p . m . That made me cry harder . So she went and got her supervisor and said , " If there 's a way to get her in Dayton earlier , and by direct flight , we really need to make it happen . " So , thankfully , the supervisor made it happen . We were stuck in Detroit for four hours , but we could fly to Dayton that afternoon . They then set about trying to find diapers . They never did find diapers , but they pointed me toward a convenience store in the airport that sold them for only $ 8 per pack … of two . Seriously . But I was desperate . I assume that anyone buying those diapers is . The kids both got a diaper change , I got a giant cup of coffee , and then we invaded the lovely little play house that the Detroit airport provides . I don 't know how we would have made it for four hours without that play house . We bought lunch ( thanks for those vouchers , United … oh wait ) , lots more coffee , and people remarked on how adorable Mitchell was playing basketball with an invisible basketball . Mitchell asked to cuddle several times , and I tried , but he wanted picked up so badly and I just couldn 't with Rosie . I tried , and managed for a few minutes , but the exhaustion was catching up with me and I couldn 't carry both of them very long . Before we headed to our gate , I decided to risk going to the bathroom with these two one more time . I figured two bathroom breaks in 24 hours was probably about my limit . So , as I 'm trying to get my pants pulled back up , I had to argue with Mitchell about whether or not Woody needed to pee . Mitchell : " Woody pee ! " Me : " No , your Woody doesn 't need to pee . " Mitchell : " Woody need pee ! " Me : " Don 't put your Woody there , he 's going to get wet ! " I swear , when we exited that stall , nobody was trying to hide the fact that they were staring directly at us . I quickly pointed to his Woody doll , and they let out a very audible sigh of relief . Goodbye , Detroit , sorry about that ! We got to our gate well ahead of time and found out that it was delayed … due to missing flight crew . Seriously . The exact same reason for our first delay . It was almost funny . It was also almost funny when they announced that they 'd found a pilot , and the pilot had found a minor mechanical issue . Shortly thereafter , we got to board an ancient aircraft with no air conditioning . We all got situated , and then … nothing . We sat there . I joked to my neighbor , whom I 'd told of my ordeal , that it was my bad luck following us . We sat there so long , Mitchell fell asleep . Adorably , of course . And then , I really can 't make this up , the pilot came out to inform us that there was an issue . The Dayton airport was closing for an hour because the Thunderbirds , a performing flight group , was landing there in preparation for the air show this weekend . Since our flight was delayed by half an hour , we 'd missed our window and would have to wait another half hour . I might have asked if we could turn the air conditioning on , and he informed me that there was no air conditioning until the plane was in the air . He said , " I 'm in the same metal tube you are , and I 'm wearing a tie . " I replied , " I 'm wearing a baby . I win . " But it was under my breath , so only the people around me laughed . They passed out some room temperature water and we all settled down to sweat . Seriously , by the time we got off the plane my pants were wet . Poor Rosie was dripping sweat . The pilot was very funny and nice , though . I like him even more because he called a buddy of his who was in charge of " everything down there " and found out that the Thunderbirds ran into some bad weather and got stuck in Kansas City , so there was a chance we could make it there before they did . And so he turned the seat belt light on as he taxied out , and we were off . The Thunderbirds flew over us to land , it was that close . We ended up being a half hour late , but I was thrilled . We were on the ground ! Only sixteen hours after we were supposed to be ! I said something to my neighbor about my bag getting heavier and heavier ( I could barely lift it from the ground ) , so he picked it up to put it on my back . As soon as he did , he went " Holy cow , yeah , that might be heavier than the allowed limit for checked bags ! " Eh . Yeah . We made the trek from the gate to the front doors , me telling Mitchell that he 'd get to see Daddy soon ( he hadn 't woken up very well … gee , I wonder why ! ) . The whole walk , Mitchell kept saying , " Nope , not Daddy " to every guy he 'd see . As soon as he saw Justin , he broke into a grin and sped up . I 'm pretty sure the only reason he didn 't start running ahead is because the whole past day and a half he 'd only heard " Stay next to me " or " Hold the suitcase " over and over . Justin picked him up and they shared the most adorable half - crying hug I 've ever seen . I really wish I 'd had my phone out to take a picture . I almost cried . I wasn 't surprised to find that my checked bag hadn 't made the connection . I could barely keep track of my connections , I really didn 't expect them to either . Delta had no record of the bag being put into their possession , and apparently United didn 't have record of it either . But I was so exhausted I didn 't even care . Sure , every pair of jeans but the ones I was wearing were in there , and most of my shirts , too , but I couldn 't think of anything but a shower , which doesn 't require clothes . As soon as we got home , I ran for the shower . I was so grimy and disgusting I didn 't even want to sit on the couch . While playing with Rosie on the floor , I dozed off . While sitting on the couch , I dozed off . We all ended up going to sleep at about 8 . Mitchell slept for 12 hours , I slept for 14 hours , and Rosie slept for 15 hours . And we 're still exhausted . I 'm so physically sore I can 't describe it . My legs hurt , my back hurts , my shoulders hurt . It turns out that , even when I wasn 't wearing the 40 + pound backpack , I was still carrying a 15 pound baby . 90 % of the time the sling was supporting her weight , but even that takes a toll after a while , and after all was said and done , I carried her for 24 hours straight ( other than a few diaper changes ) . I was awake for over 36 hours straight . I stood for the majority of the time , even overnight , so I could sway and keep Rosie content and chase Mitchell . I was constantly on edge , because who wouldn 't be with a toddler and a baby in an airport ? I was terrified that he 'd run off and I 'd lose him . That was why I didn 't want to fly in the first place , and then I had to endure 24 hours of watching him like a hawk . We lived on airport food for three meals , and it just isn 't the healthiest ( or the cheapest … again , thanks for the voucher , United ) . Justin and I were talking about the air show this weekend and I almost had a panic attack . I have no idea when , or if , I 'll fly again . Almost all the workers I talked to about this ordeal made it sound like it was par for the course . I just wanted to say , yes , for adults , it 's a pain in the butt , but I had two children . I had a toddler and a five - month - old . On my own . You can look at that picture of Mitchell sleeping on the airport bench and feel good about what you said to me , United ? How about the picture of him the next morning , after only five hours of sleep ? Whatever . It 's over now . We 're home . Thank goodness ! And Justin has done everything in his power to make us comfortable and happy . Oh , and my bag finally made it to us ! Well , as you may have noticed from my complete absence , we 've been gone ! The kids and I just returned from what was supposed to be 8 days in Kansas . Justin stayed here and did that whole work thing . And apparently cleaning thing ! He even vacuumed the upstairs ! Our plane left for Kansas at about 4 . I was so extremely nervous . I had no idea what to expect from Mitchell or Rosie . I read lots of pointers on what to do to keep them entertained and make the traveling easier , some of which proved true , some of which … not so much . Know what WASN ' T one of the pointers ? Talking to your kids about their daddy staying in Ohio while they go to Kansas with you . I accidentally dropped that on Mitchell right outside security . Yeah … he all of a sudden got a whole lot less enthusiastic about going on an airplane . But luckily that didn 't last long . I tried to travel light : a backpack for me , a backpack for Mitchell , wheeled carry - on luggage , and Mitchell 's car seat strapped to the carry - on . We borrowed Colton 's car seat for Rosie . Can you tell just how nervous I am in that picture ? Hopefully not . I was trying to fake it for the kids . But holy crap was I nervous . Turns out I didn 't need to be . We went through the TSA pre - check lane , so the only thing I had to do was unstrap Mitchell 's car seat from the carry - on . Other than that , we all just walked right through , easy peasy . We paused to fill up a water bottle for Mitchell ( thanks , internet pointers ! ) and made it to our gate with plenty of time to spare . Thanks to story time earlier that day , Mitchell pointed out all the trucks putting gas in the airplanes and all the other passengers gawked at how adorable these two were . When we got on the plane , I started getting ready to nurse Rosie as we took off . I 'd read that it would help with the ear popping . Mitchell got tootsie rolls . Something I hadn 't planned on : having to take the ring sling completely off . I thought I 'd just have to loosen it so she wasn 't strapped to me . But no , it had to come completely off . Which meant I had no cover . I apologized profusely to the woman across the aisle , but she assured me it wasn 't an issue , she 'd been there . I noticed she looked a little nervous for the flight , though , and I 'm pretty sure by the end of the flight she was wishing she hadn 't sat next to us . We taxied out to the runway and had to sit there for probably ten or fifteen minutes waiting our turn . The whole time we were waiting , Mitchell asked non - stop " Airplane has gas ? Gas in airplane ? GAS ? ! " I watched the lady 's hands slowly turn white from clenching the arm rest so hard . Once we started taking off , Mitchell kept asking , " Airplane go high ? High in sky ? Airplane so high ! " And almost immediately afterward , " Airplane go back down ! " Nope , not yet , child . " GO BACK DOWN ! " No . Not yet . But , eventually , he pulled out his own airplane and started playing . Rosie entertained herself by chewing . Our connecting flight was in Chicago , and we had an hour and fifteen minutes layover and only had to go one concourse over , so I figured we were golden . Yeah … wrong . It turns out a toddler only has one speed , regardless of those awesome " escalators " . I grabbed some chicken nuggets for him at McDonald 's ( his first time there ! ) , didn 't even stay to eat them , and only arrived at our gate with five minutes to spare . Rosie was awake for the entire plane ride to Chicago , so for the trek across the airport she slept . And then woke up in time for our flight . Convenient . So , for our next flight , I followed one of those internet pointers and snagged seats at the back of the plane so fewer people would see me nurse Rosie . This turned out to be the worst piece of advice I received . Because , while I was at the back of the plane , well out of the way of everyone else , I was also right next to the bathroom , so as soon as the seat belt light went off , a line formed . Right . Next . To . Me . The flight attendant , who had just told me all the reasons she hated her job and not to nurse Rosie because of all the perverts and creeps , shooed as many people toward the first class bathroom as possible , but one guy pointedly wouldn 't go . But I really couldn 't be bothered to care . Rosie was hungry , I covered as well as I could , and there was really not a lot I could do about it , so why waste time worrying about it ? As soon as we landed , it was diaper change time since we hadn 't had time in Chicago . Then we found Grandpa and got the heck on the road ! Since the flights went so darn well , our bad luck caught up with us as soon as Grandpa started his car and the air conditioning blew . Literally , blew . So , no air conditioning for the trip home . Both kids fell asleep within a few miles , but Rosie woke up after half an hour and screamed the rest of the way home . We stopped to try to calm her down about halfway , but it didn 't do any good . She showed up to Aunt Brooke 's wearing nothing but a diaper and covered in red splotches from screaming so much . Way to make a good first impression ! Unfortunately , that didn 't last . Mitchell turned into a total turd for the rest of the trip . I have no idea what happened . A couple weeks ago , if someone had told me Mitchell pushed their child , I would have said they were mistaken . But no . Mitchell pushed him . Plenty of times . Meh . Both of my kids hate naps . Hate . But the entire time we were in Kansas , there were no fights , and every nap time looked like this : Thursday we all went to Topeka to see Justin 's family . Mitchell got to play with his daddy 's old Legos , which he loved way more than the approximately 547 Mega Blocks he 's accumulated here at home . Everyone oohed and aahed over Rosie , because , you know , she 's adorable . Friday was a low - key day , but we did visit the park with Aunt Kaylee and Aunt Teri . Mitchell met AUNT TIGGY JEEP , and for the entire rest of the trip he shouted " Aunt Tiggy Jeep ! " every time he saw a Jeep . Once , in Dairy Queen , a woman looked sufficiently like Teri that he almost cried when he saw her get out of a Jeep and walk into the DQ . He also became obsessed with Aunt Brooke 's car . He liked it a lot better than my car and got so excited whenever it was time to put his shoes on and would start yelling , " Aunt Brooke 's car ? " Saturday was Colton 's birthday party . Thank goodness , this was one day that Mitchell decided to behave himself . Other than displaying his new love of throwing rocks in any body of water he could find ( thanks , Grandpa ) . He kept sneaking off to a giant puddle off to the side of the house to throw rocks and sticks in it . Saturday night , we went to Manhattan for a friend 's birthday party . Mitchell stole his daughter 's little Cozy Coupe car as soon as we got there and proceeded drive it off their deck , over and over again . It was only about a foot drop off the edge , but it kept rolling partly onto its top . You 'd think that 'd scare a kid , right ? But no . At least , not enough to make him stop . He also managed eight or nine wedges of watermelon through a combination of asking for more from different people and just crawling up onto the pub height table and getting them for himself . Then he convinced another friend 's daughter to push him in the car , and every time they turned , they flipped the car . The first time , he allowed me to pull him out . Every subsequent time , he waved me away . Showing off for the women already . Sunday , we all met at the church so everyone could meet Rosie . It was so great seeing everyone ! Rosie slept through most of it , and Mitchell locked himself in the play room and got very angry at all the pictures , but still . A fun time was had by all . Mitchell was exhausted at this point . I found himself laying in bed at one point , then he moved to the living room . To lay under the rug . Finally , Wednesday had arrived . We were all sad to leave Kansas , but definitely excited to see Justin . Poor Mitchell had been asking to go home and see Daddy . I wasn 't nervous at all about the flight , because the first had gone so well . The only thing I was nervous about was the lateness of the house . Of course , the last two hours we were at Aunt Brooke 's , Mitchell and Colton decided they liked each other and played ridiculously well together . They were playing with ball pit balls in a big tub , and every time Mitchell would bend over into it , Colton would try to depants him . He even succeeded a couple times ! I was almost laughing too hard to get a picture . We just concluded what will probably go down in history as the Great Mommy Fail Weekend . It started on Friday , when I dropped the car off at Sear 's at about 9 : 45 for an oil change and to get a tire fixed . All we needed to do was find Mitchell a backpack of his own to take on the airplane with us . We stayed at the play area as long as Mitchell wanted , then ate lunch , and finally at 12 : 30 they called and said they 'd gotten the oil changed . Still waiting on everything else . I reminded her that I was towing a toddler and an infant around the mall and would appreciate any rush they could do for me . We wandered around for another hour , at which point Mitchell was DONE with the mall . He kept asking to go home . I called Sear 's and was told that they were performing a test to find an antifreeze leak . I asked them to stop because , seriously , we were SO OVER the mall . He said he 'd call me back when they got the car down . At 2 : 30 ! FIVE HOURS ! Carrying around Rosie and the worst diaper bag I 've ever had ( definitely returned that ) . Mitchell was pretty upset with me . But we did get a backpack for Mitchell ! Mitchell was so excited when we got home . He asked me to put Rosie in his bag , but of course I said no , so he carried his baby around and told me to carry Rosie around . So . Moving on . Saturday , I bribed Mitchell with a visit to the new water park if he didn 't have an accident in his pants all day . The forecast called for mid - 80s . We planned on getting to the park at noon when it opened . At 1 , we pulled out of the house and headed toward the park . One of the upsides about a garage is that you don 't have to deal with the weather trying to get to your car . One of the downsides of having a garage , apparently , is that you don 't catch sight of the weather before you get in the car . So I didn 't understand the empty parking lot when we got to the park . Or the empty water park . Yeah … turns out it was only 70 degrees . Mitchell didn 't care . We stayed , since we figured it would warm up . We were wrong . I finally called the trip off when Mitchell was shivering so badly he could barely walk . We got home , and Mitchell refused to nap . I wasn 't surprised . Afterward , we decided to run out to the Strawberry Festival in one of the suburbs around here . Justin swears he told me before we left that each year over 100 , 000 people attend the festival , but I don 't remember that . And the only thing that mattered to Mitchell was that he got to ride a " BIG yellow school bus " . I cried seeing him get on the big yellow school bus wearing his backpack . Seriously . It killed me . He looked so darn grown - up but so darn small , all at the same time . However , remember how I said the forecast for earlier in the day was for the mid - 80s ? Yeah . It got there . While we were at the Strawberry Festival , crammed into those streets like sardines with all 100 , 000 other participants . We walked around trying to find the famous strawberry donuts , only to find one stall closed and the other stall had an hour - long wait . So , no strawberry donuts . Just a terribly overpriced bratwurst because that was the stall with the shortest line . After that , we were pretty done with the Festival . Luckily it was 8 and the Festival was closing , so we didn 't have to come up with some excuse to run away . We got back on the shuttle BIG yellow school bus and … CUE THE MOST ADORABLE THING I ' VE EVER SEEN . The entire ride , Rosie was lunging for Mitchell . She kept getting this huge grin on her face and trying to grab his face . It was the best thing I 've ever experienced . All the people on the bus behind us were laughing and saying just how adorable they were , and I tried to be gracious and say " thank you " instead of " I KNOW ! " Have I mentioned how great Mitchell 's doing with his speech ? His new adjective is " big " . Everything is big . BIG car . BIG yellow bus . BIG pee . And the other day he started with " all day " . " Baby night night ALL DAY . " " Ya no poop ALL DAY . " Today he started saying " did " . If I ask if he peed , he goes and picks up the potty and goes , " Hmm . Yep , Ya did . " God forbid I argue , because then I get , " Ya DID pee ! Ya DID ! " Oh yeah . He 's shortened his name to just Ya . We 're getting a few short sentences , and the best part is that he 's reading books to himself . Obviously not really reading , just repeating , but he has three books pretty much memorized : Sheep in a Jeep , Pout Pout Fish , and Brown Bear Brown Bear . Overhearing him read them to himself is one of my favorite things . I 'm so terrible at posting these things on time right now . Seriously , ever heard the expression " running around like a chicken with its head cut off " ? That 's me . Mitchell 's potty training ( again , still , whatever ) . Rosie has decided she is NOT to be left alone in a room , and she also won 't stay anywhere you put her . That 's right , she 's a roller ! We got the belly to back a while ago , but now she 's going back to belly ! It 's mostly angry rolls , like , " WHERE DID YOU GO , MOMMY ? ! I DON ' T CARE IF EVERYBODY IN THE HOUSE NEEDS DINNER , I NEED YOU HERE ! " or " SOPHIE ! WHERE IS MY SOPHIE ! WHO PUT IT OFF TO MY SIDE ? ! " But every once in a while ( like right now ) she just contentedly rolls around the floor , grabbing very non - baby - friendly Hot Wheels along her way . Seriously , how in the world do you make a house toddler - friendly and baby - proof at the same time ? I don 't think it 's possible . So , like I said , Mitchell is potty training still / again / WILL IT EVER END . This time around , he 's decided he needs to be naked . And that the whole neighborhood needs to see it . I mentioned to the neighbor that we were potty training the other day and she went " Oooooh , that 's why he 's naked ! " To be clear , he wasn 't with me at the time . But when this is one of his favorite stances , it 's no surprise that he 's probably known as " The Naked Boy " around town .

This is the story of Buddy , a shelter dog who was deemed " aggressive and vicious " and " unadoptable " by the powers - that - be at the Devore Animal Shelter , and the battle that ensued to save his life . Just because a vet deems a dog " aggressive and vicious " doesn 't mean he 's " unadoptable " . It just means he 's unbalanced and needs someone to get him re - balanced . This is our story of doing just that with Buddy . Enjoy ! Today , Claudia and I were going to meet with Jenifer to do a 3 - hour consultation at Claudia 's house . I arrived at Claudia 's at 3 : 45 , and as I pulled up , my cell phone rang . I answered it and it was Jenifer . She told me she had been busy all day " breaking Noah from jumping the fence " . She said he started jumping the fence the day before , so she had stayed home all day and worked with him , trying to break him of it . I asked her if this meant she wasn 't coming out to meet with us , and she replied , " Yeah , I want you and Claudia to come here instead . " I met Claudia at her front door and told her that Jenifer had called and said she wanted us to go to her house instead . . Her response was , " Here , I cleaned all day because I was expecting her . " I said , " Yeah , I know . I would have done the same thing . " I explained to her what Jenifer had said about Noah jumping the fence and that she had stayed home all day , trying to break him of it . We were both concerned that he was now jumping fences as this posed a serious problem . We then got ready and headed to Jenifer 's house . We got to Jenifer 's and she walked us to the back patio . Noah was in his kennel , and we , of course , didn 't pay him any attention right away ( as Jenifer had previously instructed us not to ) . She explained that she had been hiding in different places in the yard during the day and waiting for Noah to jump the fence . Each time he tried to jump , she would stand up and avert his attention to make him stop . She did say that this is a serious problem as once a dog starts jumping fences , it 's hard to make them stop , especially a dog with Noah 's background . I asked her if he could actually be stopped from jumping for sure , and she said maybe , maybe not . It was hard to say . Jenifer then took us in the house and showed us some video footage of her working with Noah . She brought up a clip on her computer and it showed her actually putting a choke chain on Noah . During her first two attempts , when she tried to put the choke chain over Noah 's head , he immediately turned his head away so she couldn 't , but by the third attempt , she was able to just slide the chain over his head . The footage then showed her leading him out of his kennel . However , it was obvious that Noah had never been on a leash before as he simply walked a step or two and stood there , looking around like he didn 't know what to do . Jenifer had to coax and encourage him to move forward . Noah would take a few steps and then stop . He then would just stand in one spot and look around . Each time , Jenifer gently coaxed him forward and she gradually got him out to her grassy training area . I was so encouraged by the footage I was seeing as he had come so far in a short amount of time . It literally brought tears to my eyes to see his progress . It also reinforced that fact that this dog wasn 't " vicious and aggressive " as the Shelter vet had determined him to be . After we watched the footage , Jenifer asked us if we wanted to work with Noah and take him out to the training area . We said , " Of course . " We went out to the back patio and Jenifer put the leash on Noah and slowly lead him out to the training area . She still had to coax him somewhat but he was definitely getting the " gist " of it . She got him out to the training area and both Claudia and I took turns walking him around . It took continuous coaxing to get him to walk , but you could see he was improving steadily . In addition , we actually got tail wags and kisses from him , which was shocking as that was a first ! He was definitely coming out of his shell , and it was a joy to see . He was like a different dog , and it was hard to believe he was the same dog we had seen at the Shelter . In fact , he was turning into quite a beauty as he has this jet - black coat that jSaving # 88 I arrived at Jenifer 's house at 7 : 30 and she met me at the gate . We walked back to the kennel where Cesar was . He was standing inside his kennel , looking at us . I asked Jenifer if she had given him the sedatives , and she said , " Yep ! All six at once just like the doctor ordered . " I said , " Wow . He 's really going to be wiped out this time . " Jenifer said , " Well , I gave them to him a good hour ago , so go ahead and get him into his kennel and I 'll go finish getting ready . " I looked at Cesar and you could see he was somewhat groggy . I went inside his kennel and walked over to his crate . I had to put the door back on it , so I did that first . Then , I gently lead Cesar towards his crate and guided him inside it . He slowly walked right in with very little hesitation . I then shut the door behind him . Good boy , Cesar ! I 'm glad to see you 're so agreeable this time . After a few minutes , Jenifer came out and saw that Cesar was inside his kennel and ready to go . She said , " All right ! Good job . You ready to go ? " I said , " Ready when you are . " Together we gently lifted Cesar 's crate and took it out to the car . She opened the back door of her car and we placed his crate inside . Cesar was just lying down in his crate , looking at us , with those little brown points above his eyes moving back and forth . We got to the vet 's office and checked in at the front counter . While we waited in the lobby , Jenifer and I started talking about Cesar , and I told her I had come up with a list of names . I pulled my list out and the first name I told her was Moses . She said , " Moses …… . . hhhmmm … " I then said , " Jonah . " She said , " Jonah . I like that . That 's the guy who got swallowed by the whale , right ? " I then said , " Yep , that 's him . How about Noah . " Jenifer said , " Noah . Now I really like that . Noah . " I said , " You like that ? I like that one too . Which do you like better , Jonah or Noah ? " She said , " Noah . I really like the name Noah . That 's different . I like it . " I said , " Yeah , me too . You don 't ever hear of any dogs named Noah , and Noah went through a lot of struggles in life , just like this dog . You know , it took him 120 years to build the ark and the whole time , nobody believed him when he told them why he was building it . " She looked at me and said , " Noah . I really like that name for him . " I told her , " Well , Noah it is then . " I rattled off a couple other names like Zachariah and Nehemiah , but she immediately said , " Too long . " I said , " Yeah , I tAt this time , we were led to a room where Dr . Saldanha came in and met with us . He sat down and looked at me and said , " I have to say . Your dog looks really good . " I said , " Doesn 't he ? He looks great , huh ? " He said , " Yes , he looks really good . " You could tell - - he was shocked to see Noah looking so well ! We then talked about his course of treatment for Noah , and Dr . Saldanha said he 'd be removing the stitches that weren 't going to dissolve , giving Noah his next series of shots , and then they 'd bathe him . He said we could pick him up later that afternoon . We got back to Jenifer 's house and agreed that I 'd come back later that afternoon , around 4 : 00 , and then we 'd go back to the vet 's office and pick up Noah . I told her I 'd go back to work for a few hours and would be back at 4 : 00 . I arrived back at Jenifer 's house at 4 : 00 . We drove to the vet 's office and checked in at the front counter . We waited approximately twenty minutes and then we were called to the front counter so I could sign paperwork . A short time later , we were told to pull up by the back door so we could load Noah 's crate into Jenifer 's car . We loaded his crate into the car and then headed back to Jenifer 's . We unloaded Noah 's crate and placed it in his kennel . He was clearly wiped out again and just stayed lying down in his crate . We opened the door so he could come out when he was ready . At one point , Jenifer called out , " Noah , come here boy . Come here . " I said , " Jenifer , don 't do that . He can 't even stand . " However , it was too late . Noah heard her calling him and attempted to stand up and walk out of his crate . He got to the door of his crate and ended up lying down with his head hanging outside of his crate and his body inside . At this time , Jenifer got the hose and started spraying out Noah 's kennel as she hadn 't had a chance to spray it out earlier . She turned her back for a moment to go turn the water off , and her dog Luscious suddenly ran into the kennel where Noah was laying . I immediately turned to Jenifer and said , " Have they met before ? " She said , " Nope . " We sat there and watched Luscious and Noah . Jenifer had her camera and was taking photos . Luscious just ran around , sniffing the whole kennel area , and Noah just lay there , watching him . At one point , Luscious got a little too close for Noah 's comfort . He bent down to sniff near Noah 's face , and Noah immediately turned and bared his teeth at Luscious . I said to Jenifer , " Did you see that ? " She said , " See what ? " I said , " Noah just bared his teeth at Luscious . " She said , " He did not ! " I said , " He most certainly did ! You had the camera up to your face so you must have missed it . " Jenifer then scrolled through the pictures she had on her camera and she found one where Luscious was rearing back and had this funny , shocked look on his face . She said , " Oh , yeah , I guess you 're right . Look at Luscious in this picture . " I said , " Yeah , that must have been it . He turned and bared his teeth right at him . I guess Luscious got too close for his comfort . " At one point , Jenifer picked up a red ball and started throwing it in the kennel for Luscious . She even threw it in the pool , and he went after it and got itThe whole time , Noah just laid there . He was too wiped out to do anything else . All the commotion didn 't even seem to phase him . A short time later , Jenifer 's dad , Alan , showed up . He immediately asked how Noah was doing and we told him he was resting as he was still sedated . He walked into his kennel and leaned down and petted Noah 's head . Jenifer told him , " We changed his name to Noah . " Her dad said , " Noah . I like that ! " Well , it seems that after three tries , we finally found a name that fit . Noah it is , and Noah it will stay . I called Jenifer after I got home from work because she had called earlier this week and said we were to take Cesar back to the vet on Thursday , and I needed to know what time . She answered her phone and we started discussing our course of action to take Cesar back to the vet . Remember , I had been nervous about this as Jenifer had said we were going to have to put him in the car again because " he has to learn to ride in the car " . So I asked her , " How are we going to get him to the vet ? " Jenifer replied , " Well , I 've decided we 'll just put him in his crate and take him that way . " ( What 's this " I 've decided ? " That was my original idea ! ) I was so relieved to hear her say that and agreed that would be the best way to transport him . I then asked Jenifer if we were going to sedate him , and she indicated she had already talked to Dr . Saldanha and he had told her to give Cesar six of the Ace tablets . I said , " Six ! That 's more than last time . Why six ? " She replied that that 's what the doctor ordered . I said , " He must really want him to be knocked out by the time he gets him then . Man , six … . . " Jenifer replied , " He 'll be alright . I 'll sedate him before you get here . While we were talking , Jenifer told me , " You know , he doesn 't like the name Cesar . " I said , " He doesn 't ? How do you know ? He tell you that ? " Jenifer said , " No , but he doesn 't respond to it . I 've run down a list of all the names I can think of , and that 's not one he responds to . " I said , " Well , of course not . That 's probably not his name from before . We 'll never be able to figure out his name . " And she said , " Well , how about the name Oliver ? He responds to that . " I said , " Oliver ? " Jenifer replied , " Yeah . He likes the name Oliver and we can call him Ollie for short . " I said , " No way . I am not naming my dog Oliver ! No way . " She said , " I like the name Oliver . " I replied that I didn 't . I then said , " Okay , I 'll admit Cesar doesn 't really fit him , but I don 't like the name Oliver . Let me think of something else . " Jenifer said , " Hey , aren 't you kind of spiritual ? " I said , " Yeah . " She said , " Then come up with a spiritual name or something like that . " I said , " Let me pull out my Bible and I 'll get some names from there . " We then agreed to meet at her house at 7 : 30 in the morning . Jenifer said she 'd be getting up around 6 : 00 and she would give Cesar the sedatives then . I told her I 'd see her in the morning and we hung up the phone . I then pulled out my Bible and went to the Concordence in the back of it . I started writing down all the male names I came across , and there were quite a few of them . Some of the names were too long or too many syllables , so I didn 't select them , but by the time I got done , I had a list of at least ten names . We should be able to find one that fit , I would think . I looked at the list , and the two names that jumped out at me were Jonah and Noah . I 'd take the list with me and see if any of the names appealed to Jenifer . As you can see , the vet bill alone for Buddy / Cesar is quite expensive . These expenses were totally unexpected , and when Claudia and I took on the " rescuing " of this dog , we had no idea this endeavor was going to put one of us in a large amount of debt . . I thank God that Claudia is willing to take on this debt and that she simply sees it as being " for a good cause " . God bless her for being so selfless in her willingness to rescue this dog . In light of that , if anybody knows of an organization or foundation that might be able to help Claudia with these expenses , please let me know by emailing me at iblori63 @ gmail . com . In addition , if any of you can find it in your budget and heart to donate for this cause , please email her at clancylab @ msn . com . I know this is a really bad time with our economy and all , and most of us are struggling to just make ends meet , but even a donation as small as $ 5 or $ 10 would help at this time . Claudia did have to put the expenses on a credit card ; therefore , she 's paying interest so any amount could help . I thank you for taking the time to read my blog and for your care and concern about this amazing dog . Please feel free to share this blog with your friends , family , and any other animal lovers you have in your life . This is a story we 'd like to share around the world as it proves that a dog deemed " aggressive and vicious " by what I deem an " incompetent vet " ( a vet who is obviously scared of dogs ) isn 't just a " throw - away " dog that should have just been " put down " . There were reasons this dog was initially aggressive , and if you 've read this blog up to this point , you know what I 'm talking about . This dog has come a very long way . . Seeing him now that he 's healed and how calm and submissive he is - - it 's hard to believe he 's the same dog . Now , he 's beautiful , happy , prances around the yard with Luscious , and wags his tail . He probably thinks he died and went to heaven . In his world , he has ! I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 8 : 10 . I checked in at the front desk and told them I was there to pick up some " Ace " , that Jenifer had called Dr . Saldanha earlier and spoke to him about it . I anxiously waited forty minutes , at which time , a gal named Emma came out to talk to me . She held up a bottle of pills and said , " Now , I 've given you five pills in here . Start off with one and wait a half hour . If that doesn 't seem to be making him drowsy , then you can give him another one and then wait a half hour . If he still doesn 't look drowsy after a half hour , then you can give him a half of another one . " I said , " Okay . Thank you so much . We 'll bring Buddy back as soon as we can get him here . " I got to Jenifer 's house at 9 : 15 . I parked right outside her gate and left my keys in the ignition in case I needed to make a quick get - away ( I was planning ahead ! ) . She met me and we walked to the back patio where Buddy was laying in his kennel . I had brought a tube of liverwurst with me ( Buddy 's favorite ) , and I pushed one pill into a ball of it . I walked into Buddy 's kennel and held out the liverwurst to him , and he promptly ate it . Good dog ! No spitting out the pill . That 's the way I like it . I had also brought a jar of Fly - Off with me . This is a cream that you can apply to a dog 's coat to keep the flies off of him . Claudia and I picked it up the night before as we noticed that while Buddy was in the Shelter , the flies were eating him alive . This was due to the fact that he needed a bath desperately . We also noticed the night before that they had been hovering around him at Jenifer 's due to his bloody mouth . Jenifer told me , " While we 're waiting , why don 't you go ahead and put some of that Fly - Off on him . " At this time , I took some of the Fly - Off and rubbed it between my hands and then rubbed it on Buddy 's shoulders and body area . It was rather greasy and oily and made him look dirtier than he was , but we had to try to do something about the flies as they were driving him crazy . Jenifer and I sat back and talked while we waited for thirty minutes to go by . While we were talking , I told Jenifer , " I have to be honest with you . Claudia is not going to be taking this dog . I am . " Jenifer gave me a look of concern and said , " Wait a minute . That 's not what Claudia told Sean at the Foundation . " I then explained that Claudia had never planned on taking Buddy , that we had originally planned to just get him off the street and find him a good home as Claudia knew some people in the high desert that were looking for a large dog . However , I told her that since we went through hell to save this dog , I wasn 't about to let him go to some stranger , that I would be taking him instead . Jenifer then replied , " Well , that 's good because you have the stronger personality anyway . I think you 're a better fit for him than Claudia . " Jenifer then asked me if Claudia realized that she 's possibly looking at having to spend several thousand dollars to rehab and get Buddy the medical care he needs . . I told her that Claudia realized it was going to cost quite a bit to rehab and treat him , that we had discussed it the night before and her response to me was , " It 's for a good cause . I just paid off my car and my credit card , so the timing is good . " She then confirmed that Claudia was willing to pay for Buddy 's rehab even though she wouldn 't be keeping him , and I said she was . Jenifer said , " Wow , what a friend ! That 's amazing . Lori , this is an incredible opportunity for you . You have someone willing to provide the financial backing for you . This will be an incredible training program that you 'll get to go through . Can you imagine , you 're going to be training with the same techniques Cesar uses . I will teach you them . How do you feel about that ? " I told her I was ecstatic to have such an opportunity - - I was thrillled ! Jenifer then said she would train both Claudia and I in the techniques Cesar uses and there 'd be no extra charge for training both of us . We could attend all the training sessions together . I thought it was a grWe then sat back and continued to watch Buddy , and we both noticed , this guy wasn 't even close to being drowsy . I looked at Jenifer and she looked at me , and I said , " How about another one ? " She said , " Sounds good to me . " So I took another ball of liverwurst and shoved a pill into the middle of it and handed it to him . Down the hatch it went , no problem ! Good boy , Buddy ! You take pills so well . We then sat back and waited another thirty minutes . At one point , we noticed Buddy 's eyes were looking kind of strange , like he might just be starting to get drowsy . At this time , Jenifer handed me a choke chain and said , " Here Lori . Try putting this on him . " I sat down next to Buddy and petted him for a few seconds . I then slowly started to put the choke chain over his head . That brought immediate , swift action on his part and he whipped his head around towards me and clicked his teeth together . I looked at Jenifer and said , " Nope ! He 's not ready for that . " At this time , I had been there an hour . We had given Buddy two pills , and he didn 't appear to be getting too drowsy . I asked Jenifer , " So , should we give him a half like they said or a whole ? " She said , " Ah , let 's just give him a whole one . " So I shoved another pill in a ball of liverwurst , and he again ate it with no problem . I wish my dogs at home took pills as well as this guy ! And then we waited . . . . . . . . some more . After about twenty minutes or so , Jenifer told me to try to put the choke chain on Buddy again . At this time , I was standing over him as he was now standing also . As I reached down and started to move the choke chain near his face , he suddenly jumped up , towards my face , and I could clearly hear him click his teeth at me , twice . He had just jumped up to my face level , where I had to lunge backwards , and looked me right in the eye ! I 'm 5 ' 7 " tall , so this guy can jump when he wants to ! I was quite shocked and surprised of course , and I looked to Jenifer for some kind of reassurance or something . She simply looked at me , kind of chuckled , and said , " Oh , that ain 't nothing . You should have seen what he did to me yesterday ! If he really wanted to get you , he would have lunged at you . " Oh , so that was just a warning , huh ? Exactly , she said . And then she said , " Gosh , I wish we had that on camera ! " Yeah …… . me too ! I then went and sat by Jenifer and said , " Okay , now what ? Do we go for four or what ? Can you give a dog more than three and they 're okay ? " I then told her what Emma had told me and how she had stopped at two - and - a - half with her instructions . Jenifer said , " I don 't know . Let 's call the vet and find out . " So she picked up her cell phone and called the vet 's office . I heard her say , " Hi , this is Jenifer . We 've given Buddy three Ace and he 's still not drowsy and is quite coherent . Can we give him all five if we need to ? " After several more seconds , she got off the phone and turned to me and said , " Yep , we can give him all five if we need to . " Really ? She said , " Yep , let 's do it . " So , I shoved another Ace pill into a ball of liverwurst and held it out to him . Again , he took it ever so gently and swallowed it . Even though he 's getting drowsy , he 's still able to eat and is gentle while doing so . That 's good . . . . . . . because we 've got one more pill left . . . . . . . . . if needed . . . . . . . . We again waited and watched Buddy . He was getting drowsy , very drowsy . However , as he laid there and tried to fall asleep , every time he laid his head down on his paws as if he was going to go to sleep , a fly would land on him and he 'd wake himself up , snapping at it . We watched this happen over and over again , and I told Jenifer , " He 's never going to get to sleep . The flys won 't leave him alone . Poor guy . " She agreed . So much for the Fly - Off huh ! ( And that stuff wasn 't cheap ! ) At this time , we could see Buddy was nowhere close to falling asleep , and we were running out of time . When Jenifer had called about the Ace , she was told we had to have Buddy to the vet by noon because they closed from noon to 2 : 00 p . m . for lunch . It was now 11 : 10 . At this time , Jenifer said , " Let 's go ahead and give him one more . We don 't have much time . " So I shoved another pill into some liverwurst and down the hatch it went . We waited about twenty minutes and it was obvious that the Ace was now taking affect . Buddy was staggering and having trouble standing . I again triedSo , Jenifer walked into the kennel and headed towards Buddy , holding the tennis racket in one hand and the choke chain in the other . She also had attached another leash onto the leash that was on the choke chain as she said we 'd need the extra length to get Buddy into the car . As she moved towards him , he moved to his left and started to walk into the swimming pool that was in his kennel . He seemed to have second thoughts about that as he dunked one foot in the water and then immediatley backed up , against the side of the kennel . Jenifer stood to the side of him and held the tennis racket near his face , which he of course then latched onto . As he was biting on the tennis racket , she took the choke chain and held it near his face . He let go of the tennis racket and immediately pushed his face up against the fence of the kennel , as if to say , " As long as I leave my face pressed up against this fence , you can 't get that chain on me ! " He 's right - - she couldn 't ! He kept his face there for quite some time until Jenifer took her trusty tennis racket and lightly tapped the side of his face with it . She only wanted him to move his head ever so slightly so she could slip the chain over it , and move it he did ! He turned to bite at the racket and over went the choke chain ! Yes ! Choke chain 's on . Now to get him out of the kennel and to the car . Jenifer immediately pulled / led Buddy out of the kennel and towards my car . He , of course , resisted , but she just kept on steadily pulling him forward . We had less than 17 minutes for me to get this dog to the vet by noon , and it was at least a ten minute drive for me to get there . Seven minutes to work her magic and get him into the car . I immediately went to my car and opened both back doors . As Jenifer got near my car , Buddy really started resisting her efforts to lead him towards my car . At this time , she diverted Buddy 's attention away from the car and started walking ( yes , he was walking at this time , though she was having to pull him ) him around her yard to get him to move forward without so much resistance . She walked him in a U - shaped pattern and then headed back towards my car . As she did this , Buddy immediately started fighting and biting the leash chain ( remember - - he bit through a nylon leash so Jenifer had to use a chain leash ) . I said , " My gosh ! Look at him fight still ! " Jenifer said , " He thinks he 's fighting for his life . He 's not , but he thinks he is . " She then put the tennis racket towards his face and he latched onto that . The poor dog - - his teeth and gums were bleeding from biting the tennis racket and leash chain but there was nothing we could do . We had to get him into this car . If only he would realize we were trying to help him . At this time , Jenifer said , " Lori , you 're going to have to change his name . Buddy just doesn 't fit him . " I replied , " Yeah , when you hear the name ' Buddy ' , you think of a little Beagle with his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging . Not this . " We both agreed . As she got near my car , Jenifer told me , " I 'm going to throw the leash into the back seat . You stand on the other side and grab it when I throw it in . " I said , " Okay . Gotcha . " She pulled Buddy towards the door and then got him close enough to throw the leash on the back seat . She threw the leash onto the seat and I then quickly grabbed it . However , at this time , Buddy still wasn 't ready to get into the car willingly . As soon as I grabbed the leash , he pulled backwards , pulling me across the seat of the car , towards the other side . I tried to pull him back into the car , at which time , he jumped up , twisted around , and bit the arm rest on the door ! Jenifer cried out , " Oh . . . . your beautiful car ! " I looked and there were two puncture marks in the arm rest , along with some drops of blood ( not much though ) . I just looked at her , with a " Whatcha gonna do ? " look . I held on to the leash , and then Buddy all of a sudden got the bright idea to crawl under the car . At this time , Jenifer grabbed the leash from me and started to try to pull him back out . I immediately climbed out of the car and went to her side and assisted her in pulling him out from under the car . He had " wedged " himself in so tight under my car , it took both of us pulling on his leash with all our strength to get him out . I felt bad as the choke chain was as tight as it could possibly be around his neck , I was afraid we were going to severely hurt him . I asked Jenifer " Are we hurting him ? " and she said , " No " . I couldn 't even think about it at the moment anyway as our immediate goal was to get him out of the car . With both of us pulling , we were finally able to get him out from under the car . Buddy immediately went and leaned up against the side of the left passenger door , and Jenifer kept him there using her tennis racket . He was looking up at Jenifer , growling and snarling . She gently nudged him with the tennis racket and said , " Dude , the only safe place is in the car . " By now , Buddy was panting heavily and was totally exhausted . Remember , he 's got 5 , yes 5 , Acepromaxine in him , when you shouldn 't have to give a dog more than two . He 's hurt , all over probably , and what we just had to put him through didn 't help any aches and pains he originally had . He 'd been living on the streets and then at the shelter and isn 't in the best of shape and is rather thin . Where the dog got the energy and stamina to put up such a fight is beyond either one of us . Jenifer even said , " I can 't believe the fight this dog has in him with five Ace in him . This is unreal . " As Buddy sat there panting , looking up at Jenifer , to our astonishment , he literally turned around and climbed into the car ! We were both shocked ! Jenifer said , " I don 't believe it ! He 's in the car . I wish we had this on camera . Now , hurry , go . I 'll open the gate and call the vet and let them know you 're on your way . I immediately jumped in my car and thanks to my planning for a quick get - away , I was able to start backing up and met Jenifer at the gate . She opened the gate to her driveway , and I backed out and headed to the vet 's office as fast as I safely could . While I was driving , I looked in the back and noticed Buddy was initially on the floorboard . A few minutes later , I saw that he was slowly climbing onto the back seat as he had half his body on the seat and the other half on the floorboard still . After another minute or so , he slowly pulled the rest of his body up onto the seat . The poor guy was so exhausted . He just laid there with his head resting on his paws , panting heavily . I hated that he had to go through all this , but we had to get him the medical care he needed and now as his jaw looked terrible . I got to the Arlington Animal Hospital at 12 : 03 and pulled up next to one of the entrance doors on the side . I ran into the office and said , " We 're here ! " The receptionist looked at me kind of strangely and said , " Who ? " I said , " Buddy . We got him in the car and he 's here . " She said , " Oh , okay . Hold on a minute . Where are you parked ? " I told her , " Right outside that side door . " She then went to the back for a moment and then came back and told me , " Go on out to your car . They 'll be right out to get him . " I walked out to my car and looked in the window at Buddy . He was still lying on the seat , resting . After a minute or so , Emma came out with two male assistants . She was holding a come - along and I told her , " Please , let 's not use that unless we absolutely have to . I think you can just get out him out using a leash right now as he 's quite sedated . " One of the male assistants then reached in and put a leash over Buddy 's head and pulled him out of the car . He didn 't exactly go willingly , but he didn 't put up a fight either . They lead him into the vet 's office , and I went and parked my car in the parking lot . I went back into the lobby and was told I 'd need to wait for the vet to meet with me . I waited for approximately thirty minutes and then was led into a room to wait for Dr . Saldanha . He came in and sat down . He was very attractive for a " bald " guy ( shaved head ) with huge brown eyes . He looked at me and said , " Your dog has a lot of issues , you know ? " I said , " Yeah , I know , but that 's why we hired Jenifer as our trainer . " He said , " Well , you got the best then , but don 't tell her I said that because I don 't want her head to swell . " He then proceeded to go over his findings with me . He said Buddy was about 5 - 7 years old , but he wasn 't sure because he had chewed on metal at some point in his life and wore his teeth down , so it was hard to say . He could actually be as young as three . Dr . Saldanha said Buddy had two fractured teeth , and they would be removing them . The jaw obviously looked bad , and they would operate and put stitches inside and outside . Some stitches would dissolve , but some would have to be removed . They would be checking him for parasites and any other diseases and would be doing a great deal of blood work . In addition , he would be neutered and have a bath . Then came the bad news . Dr . Saldanha pulled out a sheet of paper and turned it towards me . The price estimate was between $ 1 , 800 and $ 2 , 200 . He wanted to give me an idea of what we were facing as far as cost , and that 's what we were looking at . I told him that I 'd need to call my friend as she was the one picking up the cost for Buddy 's medical care . He then stepped out and I called Claudia and told her " the news " . She said to go ahead , that we needed to get the medical care done . At this point , we couldn 't exactly negotiate anyway , so what choice did we have . It 's not like we could shop around Not with this dog . Dr . Saldanha came back into the room a few minutes later , and I told him , " Okay , let 's do it . Whatever needs to be done , we 'll do . " He then told me that Buddy would be ready in a couple hours and he left the room . While I was waiting for someone to come back with all the paperwork I needed to sign , the two male assistants who had gotten Buddy out of my car earlier came into the room . The one told me , " We need you to go and get the biggest crate you can find . We want to be able to do what we need to do with this dog and then when he wakes up , have him in the crate already . We don 't want to fight with putting him back in the car or a crate . " I replied , " I don 't either ! " He then said , " You need to get the biggest crate you can get because he 's going to have an E - collar on when he wakes up , so we need the extra room for his collar . " I admit , I was quite overwhelmed at this point because I didn 't even know if a crate the size they were talking about would fit in my car , even if it was taken apart and in two pieces . I didn 't have a truck and couldn 't even try to borrow one because I only had a couple hours to get the crate they needed . I told them I would see what I could do about finding one , and they left the room . A short time later , a female assistant came in and had me sign all the necessary paperwork . She told me to call in a couple hours and see how Buddy was doing and plan on picking him up later that day . I agreed to do so and went out to my car . As I said , at this time , I was very overwhelmed . It seemed nothing was going right . First , we had to give Buddy all five Ace and put him through hell just to get him into the car . Now , I have to run out and find a crate big enough for him , and there was no way it was going to fit in my car . I called Jenifer and told her what I had been told about a crate . She reassured me that everything would be okay , that I just needed to come back to her house , and she would see if the size crate we needed would fit in her car . She had one in her spare bedroom for Solomon ( one of the dogs she trains ) so she 'd measure it . If it did , then we 'd go get one at Petco , down the street . She made it sound so easy , and I felt so much better . That 's why I called her - - I knew she 'd have an answer . I got to Jenifer 's house and met her mom , Yolanda , at this time . She was very nice and reassured me that everything would be fine , and Buddy was going to be just fine too . I could see where her daughter got her calm , reassuring demeanor - - it appeared to be from her mother . After Yolanda left , Jenifer told me she had measured the biggest crate she had and it would fit in her car . We then got into her car and went to Petco to pick up the crate . Jenifer walked in , looked around , found the largest crate in the place , and told the associate , " We need that crate . " He got it down and took it to the cash register for us . We then got a bag of Blue Buffalo dog food and headed to the cashier . $ 300 later , I carried the dog food and Jenifer and the associate carried the crate out to her car . After Jenifer lifted up the back seat in her car , the crate fit perfectly in the back of her Honda Element . There 's one good purpose for those funky - looking cars ! We then headed to the vet 's office . We got there and took the crate in through the back door . As we carried it in , I saw Buddy lying on a table , with Emma and a vet assistant working over him . I guess they were bathing him as they were rubbing his fur with towels . Poor guy - - he was dead to the world with some tube leading out of his mouth . We then left and on the way to Jenifer 's house , she looked at the time and said , " I 'm starving . How about some lunch ? " I said " Sure " and we stopped at a Subway . Since Jenifer came through for me on purchasing the crate , I gladly bought her lunch ! As we got back into Jenifer 's car , I checked my cell phone and found that I missed a call from the vet 's office . I called the office and they said Buddy was ready to be picked up . We got to the office and we were lead into a room and told to wait for Emma to come talk to us . After a few minutes , Emma came in and gave us a rundown on everything Dr . Saldanha had done to Buddy . She said he had neutered him , pulled two fractured teeth , ran blood tests to check for parasites and any other diseases he might have , gave him all his shots , and stitched up his jaw . She then provided us with after - care instructions and said Buddy would be sedated for probably 24 hours as it would take that long for the Ace to wear off . She said he would more than likely sleep until tomorrow afternoon . We could give a small amount of wet dog food and water only . At this time , I asked Emma about Buddy 's jaw . She indicated there was a really bad infection in the jaw and they had to put stitches on both the outside and the inside of the jaw to repair it . I indicated the jaw injury was from his fighting the come - along when he was taken to the Shelter and when he was removed from the Shelter and taken to Jenifer 's . Emma immediately said , " Oh no . This injury isn 't from the come - along . This is an older injury . It 's not recent . He 's had it for quite some time as there was a lot of dead , infected tissue that had to be removed . It was quite nasty once we got in there and started cleaning it out . " I replied that I thought it was from the come - along and she reiterated that no , it was not a recent injury . I was shocked to hear this and realized the dog must have endured an incredible amount of pain . No wonder he was growling and snapping at people . He was in excruciating pain . He had two fractured teeth and a nasty tear in his jaw and he 's fighting and biting on the metal pole of a come - along . I can 't even imagine the pain he must have been in and endured . Thank God dogs live in the moment and he wouldn 't dwell on all the pain he 's had to endure in his life . We finished talking to Emma and then went to the front counter so I could sign paperwork and take care of the " damages " . I was presented an invoice and should have been sitting down . The total for this vet visit was $ 2 , 647 - slightly higher than what I had been quoted earlier . I wondered why no one called me to advise me of the difference in cost , but then realized they had probably got to working on Buddy and found he needed more care than originally anticipated . Besides , there was nothing we could do . We needed to do what 's best for Buddy , and I was sure they did exactly that . Jenifer pulled her car up next to the building and Buddy was brought out in his crate . The crate was placed in the back of Jenifer 's car and we looked inside at him . He had an E - collar on and he was lying in his crate , quite sedated at this time . He was barely able to hold his eyes open while looking up at us . I made the comment that a good day of sleep is exactly what he needed , and Jenifer agreed . We proceeded to Jenifer 's house and she called her Dad and asked him to meet us there so he could help us unload Buddy 's crate . As we pulled into the driveway , Jenifer 's Dad , Alan , was already there and he followed us to the car . We all three lifted the crate out of the car and carried it to Buddy 's kennel area . We put the crate inside the kennel in the corner and took the door off so he could go in and out at will . It was obvious that Buddy was going to stay in his crate for the time being and he 'd sleep for the rest of the night . We talked with Alan for a while and then he left . Jenifer and I talked for a short time and I asked her about taking Buddy back to the vet to get his stitches out . I asked her how we 'd plan on doing that without ripping his mouth back open if we put him on a leash . I suggested that we just put him in the crate and then put the crate in the car , but Jenifer replied , " No , he has to learn to ride in the car sooner or later . " I felt sick to my stomach as I couldn 't stand the thought of again putting the dog through what we had put him through that day to get him in the car . I thought to myself , " Well , we 've got two weeks to figure out something . " Jenifer must have seen my apprehension as she said , " I 'm not going to worry about it for two weeks and don 't you either . We 'll worry about it then . " I said " Okay " and then I headed home as I was quite exhausted from the mental strain of the last week and a half , along with the stress just from today . It had been a very long day , but at least we succeeded in getting Buddy to the vet and getting him the care he so desperately needed . One hurdle down ; one more to go - the next and hopefully last vet visit . I tried to tell myself , " Don 't worry about it . It 's not for two weeks " , but that didn 't help much as the whole idea just stressed me out . The dog had been through so much already . I didn 't want to put him through anymore . We 'll see what the next two weeks hold . . . . . . . I arrived at Claudia 's house at 9 : 15 . She was running late and was totally stressed out . She said she had been trying to get ready but had several interruptions and phone calls . Vikki had called and said she wouldn 't be able to meet us at the Shelter at 10 : 00 as planned as she had things to do that prevented her from doing so , and she 'd meet us at 11 : 00 instead . I looked at Claudia in disbelief and said , " What ? Does she not know what today is ? It was her idea we all meet at 10 : 00 . " Claudia said , " I know . I tried to tell her we all needed to be there at 10 : 00 as planned because Jenifer ( the trainer ) is supposed to meet us there . " We were both very upset at this point as we didn 't need anything happening to prevent us from getting this dog . I could see Claudia was almost sick over this , as I was , so I told her we both had to calm down and take a deep breath . I asked her if she wanted me to call Vikki , and she said , " You can . " I dialed Vikki 's number and she answered . I said , " Vikki , this is Lori . Are you not meeting us at 10 : 00 as planned ? " And she said , " I told Claudia I 'd meet you around 11 : 00 . " I told her , " Vikki , we all agreed to meet at 10 : 00 . They 're not going to release the dog to anybody but you . The trainer is meeting us at 10 : 00 also , so we all need to be there as she has another appointment afterwards . You were the one who told us 10 : 00 , remember ? " Vikki got rather short with me and said , " Well , you 're preventing me from doing what I need to do before I can leave . I 'll be there at 11 : 00 or as close to that as I can . " Click . I hung up the phone and looked at Claudia . I was ready to flip my lid at this point ! So was Claudia . After all we 've gone through , and the person who was supposed to " rescue " the dog from the Shelter for us was going to be late . Great . At this point , Claudia said , " We might as well go ahead and go and hope she 's not too late . I can 't believe this . I told Jenifer to meet us there at 10 : 00 . " I agreed and we both hoped Vikki wouldn 't leave all of us waiting too long . In addition to Jenifer meeting us , Claudia 's Dad was also going to be meeting us at the Shelter . We weren 't there but a couple minutes when Claudia 's Dad ( David ) walked up to our car . He started telling us about the night before , when he came and fed Buddy . He said Captain Brawley ( who we had met the first night we visited the Shelter to see Buddy ) was his escort . As David started feeding Buddy , Captain Brawley kept cautioning him , telling him the dog was vicious and aggressive and he shouldn 't be putting his hands near the bars of his kennel . David said he told him , " We 've been coming and feeding this dog everyday . Look , he 's not aggressive " as he handed him a piece of hotdog through the bars , using his fingers . As always , Buddy gently took the hotdog pieces from his fingers . He said Captain Brawley got a little agitated and told him he shouldn 't be doing that , that the dog could bite him . However , David just continued feeding Buddy the hotdogs he had brought for him . At one point , David told Captain Brawley , " My daughter is coming tomorrow to adopt this dog . A rescue has stepped in and agreed to adopt him for her . " At this time , Captain Brawley said , " That wasn 't cleared through me " and then explained that he had been off sick all week . David explained that it had already been arranged , that we would all be there tomorrow at 10 : 00 . Captain Brawley replied , " Well , I 'm going to have to check into that ! " David said while he was feeding Buddy , he dropped the wrapper from the hotdogs , and it started to blow towards Buddy 's kennel . David started to grab it , but Captain Brawley told him to stay back , that he 'd get it . He raised his stick to knock the paper away from Buddy 's kennel , and Buddy immediately curled his lip , growled , and lunged towards the bars at him . At this time , Captain Brawley said , " See , I told you - - he 's aggressive . " At this time , I told David , " He 's going to growl at anybody who works in this place as they all have that " stench " on them from it . " Both he and Claudia agreed . David said he finished feeding Buddy and sat with him for a little while and then went on home . As we were talking to David , I saw Vikki 's car pull up . I walked over to her car , but she was on her cell phone . After she got off the phone , she came up to Claudia 's car and gave us two contracts , one for Victor and one for Buddy , that we all three had to sign ( Claudia , her Dad , and I ) . The contract for Buddy was the contract releasing the County from any liability regarding the dog . We read them and signed them both . At this time , Vikki went into the Shelter to talk to Greg Beck . After some time , she came out and told Claudia and I , " He said he 's not releasing the dog as long as there 's an audience . " We looked at her and said , " What audience ? " Vikki said Mr . Beck didn 't like the fact that we had brought additional people with us ( Claudia 's Dad ? ) , and as long as we were all in the parking lot , he was not going to release the dog to us . I looked at Claudia and said , " He 's not releasing the dog now or never ? " She said , " I don 't know . " At this time , David said , " Why 's he so concerned about an audience ? What will they be doing that they 're so concerned ? " Claudia and I both agreed that was a good question . A short time later , we saw Jenifer 's car pull into the parking lot . Claudia and I walked over and introduced ourselves . We told Jenifer what Vikki had said , that Greg wasn 't going to release the dog as long as there 's an audience . She said , " Really ? Well , let me go talk to him . " Vikki and Jenifer went into the Shelter and we stayed in the parking lot . After about ten minutes , we saw Jenifer walk towards the kennels and she was by herself . She got to the door leading into the inside kennels , where Buddy was , and I told her he was right inside the door , three kennels down . She looked inside the door , whistled for him , but couldn 't see him from where she was standing . She didn 't go into the area as whoever had opened the door wasn 't supposed to have left it open , but instead proceeded to the other kennels around the corner . She walked around the kennels for a short time and then proceeded back to the lobby area . Jenifer came out of the Shelter and walked over to where Claudia and I were standing . She said Vikki had gotten into a heated conversation with Greg Beck , and she thought it best that she leave until Vikki was finished with her conversation . She waited until Vikki came out of the Shelter and then she went in to talk to Greg by herself . We waited what seemed like forever . Both Claudia and I were stressed and picking at our fingernails at this point . Jenifer finally came out of the Shelter and walked over to Claudia 's car , where we were waiting . She said she had talked to Greg at length about the situation . She had run into some resistance from him at first , as he was a little upset from his previous conversation with Vikki . Basically , she said she told him this is a high - profile case and he can be the " hero " in this situation and turn it around by just delivering the dog as promised . They talked for a while , and Greg told Jenifer he would deliver the dog to her house sometime in the afternoon as he didn 't have a driver available right now to make the delivery . She asked him if he could give her a time frame , and he said no . She asked him , 1 : 00 , 2 : 00 , 3 : 00 , but he still refused to give her a time and said he had no driver right now , that it would 't be until this afternoon sometime . He did tell her he 'd call her when they were leaving the Shelter . Jenifer told us that due to the delay in having Buddy delivered , she would need to cancel her afternoon appointments . She had also been hoping we could get him delivered early enough so we could get him to a groomer for a bath . At this point , that didn 't look likely . There was nothing more we could do , so we all decided to go to our respective homes and wait . We thanked Vikki for all she had done in helping us get Buddy rescued and told David goodbye . Jenifer told us she would call us as soon as she got a call from Greg , indicating they were leaving the Shelter and heading to her house . We told her we 'd be waiting . On the way to Claudia 's house , we stopped and picked up some lunch to go . After we ate , we were sitting and waiting when Jenifer called . I talked to her and she said she was hoping Buddy would be delivered before 3 : 00 so we could get him into the groomer for a bath . She had called her groomer , and they said they normally close at 2 : 00 , but they would stay open later , if we could get the dog to them by 3 : 00 . I told her she might consider calling Greg Beck and telling him that , that it might put some fire under his butt to get the dog delivered earlier rather than later . She said we 'd wait a little while and see . At 2 : 40 , Jenifer called and said , " They just left with Buddy . Hurry up and book it on over here . " Claudia and I drove to Jenifer 's house as quick as we could . Surprisingly , we got there just as the Animal Control truck pulled up . We watched as the Animal Control truck pulled into Jenifer 's driveway , and then we parked out front of Jenifer 's house , a distance away from the truck . Neither one of us wanted to see the dog being removed from the truck or the tactics that might have to be used . We watched from a distance , but from where we sat , all we could see is the right side of the Animal Control truck . Jenifer and the Animal Control officer were on the left side of the truck , out of our view , and Greg Beck was standing near the back of the truck , off a ways , with his arms crossed . We could see Greg but not Jenifer , the officer , or the dog . I told Claudia , " That dog is never coming out of that truck with Greg standing there . He 's got " that scent " on him . We waited for approximately 30 minutes , at which time , Greg Beck walked up to our car and said , " Do you guys have any of that food with you that you 've been feeding him ? " I looked at Greg and said , " No , we didn 't bring any food with us . You want us to go to the store and get some hotdogs ? " He said , " Hold on . I 'll let you know . " And he walked back to where he had been standing near the truck . A few minutes later , I watched as Greg Beck leaned over , patted his thighs with his hands , and said , " Come here , Buddy ! Come here , boy ! " I said to Claudia , " What is he doing ? That dog 's not going to come to him ! What 's he thinking ? " She said , " I don 't know . " I got out of the truck and walked up to the fence , near where Greg had been standing . At this time , he was standing closer to the truck . I said to him , " Hey Greg . Why don 't you step away from the truck . He 's not going to come out of the truck as long as you 're standing near it because you have the shelter smell on you . " Greg looked at me and said , " He 's not coming out anyway . " He then stepped further back away from the truck and said , " But I 'll stand over here in the shade . " I then looked over and saw Jenifer standing with her hand held out at arm 's length , with a leash to Buddy at the end of it . The leash was pulled tight , and she was just standing there , waiting for him to come to her . I asked her if she needed us to go get some hotdogs from the store , and she said , " No . Scared , nervous dogs don 't eat , and he 's scared and nervous right now . " She continued to hold the leash out to Buddy , waiting for him to come to her . I went and sat back in the car with Claudia . I told her what I saw , and we both prayed that Jenifer would be able to get Buddy out of the truck . Please God , just let her get him out of the truck . That 's all we ask at this point . After another fifteen to twenty minutes , we saw Jenifer standing near the front of the truck with the Animal Control officer and Greg . I saw at this time , the officer had taken the come - along out of the truck and she was showing Jenifer how to use the tool . I turned to Claudia and said , " I don 't want to watch this . I can 't stand to see this dog hurt anymore . " She said , " I know " and turned her head to look out her window so she didn 't have to watch what was going on either . After several minutes , I did look up and saw that Jenifer had gotten Buddy removed from the truck and she had him on the come - along . He was fighting frantically and was starting to " alligator roll " , where he rolled over and over onto his belly and then his back . After rolling several times , Jenifer got him to stand up and she led him / pulled him to the kennel that was on her back patio . I looked at Claudia and said , " Thank God ! She got him out of the truck . That 's all we wanted . " We sat and waited for the Animal Control truck to leave . Then Jenifer walked up and asked us to come on back to her back patio area . We got out of the car and followed her . On the way back to her patio , Jenifer told us that she had to use the come - along because Buddy bit right through her nylon leash . She said she didn 't want to have to do that , but she had no choice and had to get the dog out of the truck . She then showed us her hand that was swollen and had several small puncture marks on . She said Buddy had bitten her several times , but he only bit her with his front teeth , not his back teeth . She said he could have really hurt her if he wanted to but was only giving her warning bites . When we got to the back patio , to our right , there was a fenced kennel and Buddy was lying inside of it . Claudia asked if we should go in to see Buddy , and Jenifer said , " Not right now . Just leave him be . " I also noticed there were numerous spots of blood on the ground leading to the kennel . Oh Lord , he must have ripped his mouth open again . : - ( We all three sat down , and Jenifer asked Claudia , " So , what is it you want for this dog ? " At this time , Claudia explained the whole story to Jenifer about Buddy living on the streets , having the officer from the Humane Society capture him and take him to the Shelter , how we fed him every day at the Shelter , etc . We talked at length about the dog , and Jenifer said , " Well , I have to be honest with you . On a scale of 1 - 10 , this dog is probably a 10 as far as the need for rehab . He is the worst case I 've seen . If he were to go to Cesar 's Dog Psychology Center , Cesar would plan on keeping him there for 90 days . " Claudia and I looked at each with other with eyes as big as saucers ! Wow , we had no idea he was that bad . As we sat there talking to Jenifer , I watched Buddy , and it seemed as if the stress was slowly leaving his body . He sat up against the wall of his kennel , just watching us and panting as it was very hot out . He gradually stopped panting , but continued to sit and watch us , which was different than the way he had been at the shelter . While at the Shelter , Buddy didn 't really look at Claudia and I much , not directly anyway . He mainly looked at the food we held out to him or looked at us as we approached and then looked away . And he never sat up against the wall of his kennel and just looked at us as he was doing now . I told Jenifer , " He 's looking better already . He 's looking at us , and he 's never done that for any length of time . Not like he is now . It 's like the life is flowing back into him . " Claudia agreed and said he was looking better , that she could see it too . Jenifer said , " That 's good . I 'm glad to hear that . " At this time , Buddy had stopped panting and was more relaxed . Jenifer said , " You can go in and see him now ? " I said , " Will he be okay with that ? " And Jenifer replied , " Oh yeah . He has good thoughts about you guys . He 'll be fine . " I opened the gate into Buddy 's kennel and slowly walked towards him with my hand held out . I talked to him softly and he sniffed my hand . I was able to walk right up to him and pet him for the first time , with no bars between us . What a relief and a great feeling that was ! I sat down next to him and pet him and talked softly to him . I scratched him behind his ear , and he really liked that . I knew this dog wasn 't aggressive at all times , and he just proved it . If he was aggressive , it was for a reason . I firmly believe that . Plus , you have to remember - - this dog has been in a great deal of pain due to his jaw injury . He had that injury while he was in the Shelter and never received any medical treatment for it . Now , I noticed the injury to his jaw was newly opened and was bleeding badly . It also appeared there was a gaping hole in his jowl area . He really needed medical attention now . I told Jenifer that Buddy 's jaw looked really bad and she agreed that he needed medical attention right away . Claudia asked if there was a mobile vet in the area , and Jenifer said she thought so , but she 'd get the phone book so we could find out . Claudia started looking through the phone book and found one mobile vet . She called the number listed and spoke to someone , but said they weren 't available , nor were they suitable for what we needed . Jenifer then called her vet , Dr . Saldanha of the Arlington Animal Hospital . He indicated he could come out this evening , but it would probably be useless as he wouldn 't have any of his tools necessary to give the aide to the dog that he needed . He suggested we sedate the dog and bring him into his office in the morning . At this time , Claudia went into the kennel and introduced herself to Buddy . He welcomed her as warmly as he welcomed me . There weren 't any tail - wags yet , but he was at least responsive and accepted the affection we gave him . This was a great sign , in both our eyes , as it reinforced our belief that this dog wasn 't vicious and aggressive unless he had a reason for being so . As far as his biting Jenifer while he was in the truck , she had indicated that was out of fear and his being in pain . Nothing more , nothing less . I sat with Buddy for a while and just petted and talked him . I noticed at one point , I turned my hand over and looked at it and it was completely black and my fingernails had dirt under them . I held my hand up so Claudia and Jenifer could see it and said , " You don 't think he 's dirty , do you ? " Actually , you could just feel the dirt in his coat . This poor guy need a bath so bad . I can only imagine how grimy he must have felt . Then again , he was probably used to it and didn 't know any better . Some day soon , he 'd know differently , and I couldn 't wait . It was getting late at this time , and we still needed to get home to our kids and Jenifer still needed to feed hers . We thanked her for everything she did for us and Buddy , and she told us we were most welcome , that everything was going to work out fine . She told me she wanted me to be at her house the next morning , but I was to go to her vet 's office first and get some Acepromazine ( sedative ) from her vet . Then , we 'd tackle the battle of getting Buddy into the car and to the vet . One more hurdle tackled ; one more to go ! It had been a stressful day , but a successful one . Buddy could have his first night out of the Shelter , and he was in a quiet , stress - free environment . Right now , that 's all we could ask for . On the way home , Claudia and I talked about Buddy , and I asked her if she was sure she could afford having Jenifer train him , along with the vet bill that was coming the next day - - that we were probably looking at thousands of dollars . How many thousands , neither of us had any idea yet . Claudia indicated she had some money in savings and she had just paid off her car and some credit card debt . I said , " Claudia , this is going to be a lot of money . You sure you want to do this ? " Her reply to me , with no hesitation , was simply , " It 's for a good cause . " I agreed and only wished I was in the financial position to look at it that way . I 'm glad she was because if she wasn 't , we would have fought this hard to get this dog out of the shelter , only to run into financial obstacles . God bless Claudia for having such a big heart . She was truly Buddy 's guardian angel . Claudia called me at 8 : 00 and said she hoped she hadn 't woke me up . I told her she didn 't . She indicated she had been trying to call me all night but couldn 't as my line was busy . I told her I had gotten online and forgot to plug the phone back in ( I have internet problems right now and can only use the phone line for one or the other but not both ) . She said she had called Vikki at 5 : 00 that morning and woke her up because she was so worried about # 60 . She asked Vikki if she , as a Rescue , could get # 60 out of the Shelter so we could get him medical attention , and she said she could . She agreed to meet us at noon and she 'd get him then because the Shelter doesn 't release dogs to rescues until noon . Claudia and I arrived at the shelter as soon as they opened . We checked in at the front desk and waited for our escort . A young , heavy - set guy came out and asked the clerk what she needed . She replied , " They need an escort to # 88 . " He quickly responded , " Oh , that 's the mean one , isn 't it ? " Claudia and I looked at each other with a " For Pete 's sake ! " look . Seemed everybody was drinking the Kool - aide and believing this dog was extremely vicious and aggressive ! We walked towards Buddy 's kennel and on the way , I noticed that # 60 was lying in his inside kennel . We got to Buddy 's kennel , and he was lying inside , near the bars . We immediately noticed that whoever had cleaned his kennel had done a sloppy job as there was still some feces from the day before near where he was laying . We both looked around at the other kennels and noticed they all were very clean , spotless in fact . . . . . We both also noticed Buddy 's water was filthy , with sediment in the bottom of the pan . It broke our hearts to see him treated in such a manner . We told him , " Just hang in there one more day , Buddy . Just one more day , and we 'll get you out of here as soon as we can . While Claudia fed Buddy , I told her I 'd go feed # 60 . I took some dog food and chicken breast to him and he scarfed down both . I also noticed that his dish was empty , and it was full the night before , so he must have eaten during the night , which was good since he couldn 't get the hot dogs we had thrown to him . I went back to Buddy 's cage and got some more chicken and Claudia asked me if he was eating . I said , " He 's chowing ! He also ate his food they gave him last night . " She said , " That 's good . " I told her he was still far from being full though as he ate all the dog food I had given him and was still eating some chicken . She indicated he probably had worms or something to be able to eat so much . Of course , the whole time I was feeding # 60 , his little body was just a wiggling ! His tail wagged the whole time I fed him , which in turn , wiggled his whole body . In spite of the pain he must have felt , he was still a very happy dog as he sat there and ate and smiled at me the whole time , and wiggled of course ! Claudia 's dad was right . There was no way we could leave this happy little guy there . Every dog should be able to be as happy as he was , at least once in their life ! At one point , Claudia asked our escort if she could take a picture of Buddy . However , he told us , " No . My supervisor wouldn 't like that . I don 't mind myself , but I don 't want to get in any trouble . " Claudia said it was okay , she understood ( She 's so understanding ! If it was me , I would have snapped the picture and not asked . He would have had to tell me that I couldn 't . However , she didn 't want to cause anymore retaliation towards Buddy or have anything happen to get in our way of adopting him , so she asked before taking a photo . She 's sooo nice that way ! This is also why we have no pictures of Buddy while he was at the shelter . ) After we got in the car and drove down the road a short way , Claudia 's phone rang . I answered it as she was driving and it was Vikki . We agreed to meet her at Denny 's and told her we 'd be there in about five minutes or so . We met Vikki in the parking lot and introduced ourselves as this was the first time we had ever met our " hero " ( remember - - she 's the one who saved Buddy from a sure death ) . We told her about # 60 , that he was unable to walk , and we were concerned that they 'd make him walk out to her car . She said she 'd go find out and would be back as soon as she could . We waited about ten , fifteen minutes , and Vikki pulled up with # 60 in the back seat . We were both so excited to see him , we could hardly contain ourselves ! I opened the door to Vikki 's car , and there he sat , just smiling up at us . This dog was always smiling . It was great ! Vikki said he had gotten so excited , he pee 'd in the car . However , she had a blanket on the seat , so she had been prepared . We asked her if they had made him walk out to her , and she said , " No , I asked the officer if she could carry him , and she carried him right out to my car . " We were both relieved to hear that . I picked up # 60 and put him in the back seat of Claudia 's car . We thanked Vikki for all that she had done and what she was still going to do . We told her we 'd see her tomorrow , when we went to sign the paperwork to get Buddy . She was going to meet us at the Shelter , as she was who they were releasing him to . I got in the back seat with # 60 so I could sit next to him and keep an eye on him . At this time , I could see how skinny he was . Every rib showed and his spine was clearly visible . I was surprised how heavy he was though when I had lifted him . He was definitely solid . We headed to the Grand Terrace Emergency Animal Clinic . I was petting # 60 and I noticed a little white " V " on the back of his neck . I told Claudia , " How about if we name him " Victor " . We were victorious in getting him out of the shelter and he has a little " V " on the back of his neck . " She said , " That 's a great idea . I like that ! " So Victor it was . I patted his little head and told him , " We were victorious in getting you , so your name is Victor . " He , of course , wagged his tail , which in turn , wiggled his little body and smiled at me . He seemed to be in total agreement and liked the idea also . Victor was really good in the car . He sat next to me , between the two front seats , and was content with the air conditioning blowing in his face . He sat there the whole time and didn 't try to get up or move around . What a sport ! We got to the Emergency Clinic , and I carried Victor to the lobby area . Claudia checked in at the front desk , and Victor and I went and had a seat . While we were sitting and waiting for Claudia , a lady came in with a female Golden Retriever . The dog was about eight feet away from us . However , Victor immediately stood up and started barking aggressively at the dog ( Oh no ! Not another aggressive , vicious dog ! ) . I pulled him back down by his collar and told him , " No , Victor . No . " After a few seconds of barking and growling , he laid down at my feet and was quiet . Claudia came and sat down and said , " Oh , a little dog aggression , huh ? " I told her , " Well , he 's a little defenseless right now , so that 's normal . He can 't protect himself so he doesn 't want any dogs near his space probably . " She agreed and said , " Oh , I didn 't think of that . " We waited for ten to fifteen minutes , at which time , we were called into an exam room . A vet tech first took Victor to a scale and weighed him . We were shocked to see that he still weighed 46 pounds . The vet tech brought Victor back into the exam room and started checking him out . It was amazing to see the instant bond she formed with the animal and his response to her . She placed Victor 's head up against her chest , rubbed him behind his ears , and told him , " It 's okay , boy . We 're going to fix you right up . " Victor just closed his eyes and pushed his head into her chest as if he knew what she was saying . A short time later , the vet came in and started to examine Victor . He lifted up the skin on his back several times to see if he was dehydrated and then looked at his teeth . He then looked at his paws and said , " They 're ulcerated . " ( Really ? ! ) Claudia explained what had transpired at the shelter and what we had been told about the dog . The vet examined Victor a little further and then said he would need to be taken into the back to have his paws bandaged with antiseptic bandages , given some antibiotics and some pain meds , and we could come back in an hour to pick him up . We thanked him for his time , and he left the room . A short time later , another vet tech came in . She looked in Victor 's ears and told us she 'd have his ears cleaned out while he was there and then went to get a cart to put him on . She came back with a stainless steel cart , and I helped her put Victor on it . However , as soon as she started moving the cart out of the room , Victor got scared and tried to jump off of it . At this time , she said , " I 'll just pick him up . " I said , " Yeah , that might work better . " She then picked Victor up and left the room . We told the front desk we 'd be back in an hour , and we left the clinic . We got into Claudia 's car and we both looked at each other and said , " You hungry ? " Yep , we were both hungry as it was 1 : 30 by now and we hadn 't eaten lunch . We went down the road to the Food Connection and got something to eat . We sat down in a booth , and it was then that we both realized how tired we were as it had been a very stressful week . It felt so good to just sit and do nothing for a while . We finished our lunch and then went back to the Clinic . We checked in at the front desk and let them know we were there to pick up Victor . By this time , it was almost 3 : 00 . I told Claudia , " I don 't think we 're going to have time to go see Buddy later . We have to run Victor home still . There 's no way we can do both . " She agreed that we were running out of time and said she 'd call her Dad and ask him to go as he had offered to earlier if we didn 't have time to . Claudia called her Dad and told him where we were and what we were doing . She asked him if he 'd go feed Buddy , and he said sure , he 'd be glad to . We had to wait about 30 - 45 minutes before they finally brought out Victor . They brought him out on a cart , and his paws were all bandaged , with green bandages on the bottoms . We were instructed to have his bandages changed every two days , and we could bring him back there to have it done or take him to our own vet . They also sent him home with some pain medication and some antibiotics for the infection . We put Victor in the car and he once again was content to lie on the blankets on the back seat , facing forward between the two front seats , with the air blowing in his face . We took him to Claudia 's Dad 's house since he has a separate fenced area in his backyard where the dog could stay while he recovered . I carried Victor to the back yard ( this dog is heavy for being so skinny ! ) and laid him down on a dog bed that Claudia had brought with her . We then put up a small fence and made an enclosed area for him as the vet had instructed us to limit his movement while his feet were healing . We fed him some dog food and of course , he ate it like it was going out of style . We sat with Victor a while and talked to Claudia 's Dad about him . We then said goodbye to him and headed back to Claudia 's house as by this time , it was getting late and we both needed to get home to our kids and feed them . We drove home that night , both greatly relieved that we were able to get Victor out of the Shelter and get him the medical attention he desperately needed . Now if tomorrow would go this smoothly ! One battle down ; one to go .

This is a work of fiction . Names , characters , places , and incidents are either the work of the author 's imagination or used fictitiously . Any resemblance to actual person or persons , living or dead , events , or locales is entirely coincidental . All rights reserved " Cassandra , why did you come to see me if you are not ready to talk about your abuse ? " She didn 't understand . Hell , I didn 't fully understand . Life has always been a struggle for me , but lately things have been getting worse . I look at myself and see nothing but failure . I 'm twenty - eight years old , still a virgin , hell I 've never been in a real relationship . Every time someone asks me why am I still single it is like a knife to my heart . I didn 't know the answer to that question . On average only one eligible man approached me a year . Some years it was less . I didn 't know how to talk to men who were interested in me . I became nervous , if I gave them my number , I would avoid them when they called . I could talk to them on a platonic level , but if they showed the slightest interest I would shut down . The sad part is , is that I want a romantic relationship . There were three times when a man showed me interest , I gave them my number before they even asked . Only for them to never call . I would cry for days on end . The last time I made a vow that , that would be the last time . I have accepted the fact that I was meant to be alone forever . " Cassandra ? " " I 've been having dreams . Dreams where I kill It . " That 's why I came to see Dr . Zakiyyah . I started having these dreams around six months ago , they scared the hell out of me . Deep down I hoped I wasn 't able to do some of the things I dreamed I did . " Sometimes , dreams are just dreams . They don 't mean anything . " No , these were more than dreams . They are so real ; from the feelings to the smells , they stay with me long after I wake up . I rubbed my hands as I thought about that time I stabbed It . The blood flowed down the knife and onto my hand . I can still feel the warmth of it , the stickiness of it . Then I felt the same sense of relief I felt when I choked It to death . I took a deep breath and relaxed . I remembered the calm that came over me as I watched It take its last breath . When I stared into its eyes and watched its soul leave its body . The only thing that could have made it better was if the gates of hell opened up and dragged it to hell . " These dreams are very vivid . " She sat back in her chair and crossed her legs . She opened her notebook and turned to a clean sheet . " Are you ready to tell me its name ? " " I want you to make these dreams go away . I want It dead , but I don 't want to be a murderer . " I tugged at my dress . I didn 't think I had the body to wear a dress . Dr . Zakiyyah was helping me with my self - confidence . " Calm down . We 'll talk about the dreams . Start when you are ready . " " Nervous . My heart is pounding in my ears . I 'm breathing heavy and uneven . It opens the door and smiles at me . It turns and walks into the apartment and I follow . It rubs its hand across my chest . " I missed you , " It says . Then It starts to take off its pants . I take off my jacket , I reach into my purse and pull out a hammer . It 's pulling down its underwear , when I strike it in the head , right behind the ear . " What the hell are you doing , " It yells in pain . I don 't answer . I swing the hammer again , this time hitting It right in the middle of the forehead . It falls to the ground . I like seeing It in pain . I kick It as it tries to crawl away . I hit It with the hammer again and again . With the last strike I could feel and hear Its skull crack . It 's kind of like when you crack a sunflower seed between your teeth . It crawls to the back . I don 't chase after . I just followed the trail of blood . I feel better , with each strike I feel better . " I plopped my size twenty - two frame down in a chair . Three days had passed since my last session . I don 't really remember the days in between my visits , it 's like one big blur . The only thing I remember is the dreams . Sitting there I watched Zakiyyah fumble around her desk . Suddenly I wished I looked like her . She was so pretty , thin , and her skin was so clear and soft looking . She looked like she just stepped off of a Magazine . She sat down across from . " How are you today ? " It was almost like she was singing when she talked . Her smiling face and soothing voice brought me more comfort than she could ever know . I couldn 't remember why I chose her , but I was glad I did . " I 'm fine . " " Life , " I blurted . She nodded while scribbling something down in her notebook . She knew I couldn 't remember . The last thing I remember is leaving this office . " Let 's talk about our last session . " She clicked on the video camera . " Do you remember it ? " " Good . Cassandra I want to ask you a few questions about that dream . Is that ok ? " I nodded . " Alright , you can close your eyes if you need . When you walk into the apartment what does it smell like ? " " It 's a living room slash kitchen area . There is a pleather red and black sectional against the far right wall . Black end tables are on both sides of it . In front of it is a black coffee table , it 's wood . " I thought about how to answer that question . I crossed my legs and looked her directly in the eyes . " Zakiyyah do you know what burnt flesh smell like ? " She looked stunned and slowly shook her head no . " I do . In one dream I tie It to the bed and set It on fire . That smell never leaves my nose . " " And that 's a big concern . Cassandra dreams are not supposed to be this vivid . You 're not supposed to remember every single detail once the dream is over . " Now she was finally starting to understand . This was not normal . While this was scary , I was glad to have my feelings validated . It was like she was finally taking my concerns seriously . " That 's why I 'm here . I 'm scared and I need help . " My heart started to beat faster . I didn 't want to talk about what It did . She was never supposed to find out what It did . But she did , the minute I started to talk about It and my dreams , she knew . " I can 't . Can we stop , I really need to take a break . Cut the camera off . " She came over and wrapped her arms around . " Don 't touch me . " I jumped out of the chair , pushing her to the ground . " Oh my God . Zakiyyah , I 'm so sorry . " " It 's ok , " she said , getting up from the ground . " It 's ok , I 'm fine . Sit back down . " I sat back down in the chair . " You want these dreams to stop right ? " I nodded my head . " Then we have to talk about It . That 's the only the dreams are going to go away . Please tell me . Let me help you . " She was back in her seat . She waited patiently for me to continue . " I don 't remember how old I was when it first started . The first instance that I remember was when I was five , I think . I was sleeping on the floor ; my mom was on the bed . I remember It had the covers pulled over us . It was hot under the covers , hard to breath . " " I was lying on stomach . It was on top of me , grinding on my back . It didn 't have on any underwear . I didn 't fully understand what was going on . I kept thinking I was going to die , I couldn 't breathe under the covers . Then It got off of me and I felt a wet spot . It rubbed its finger up and down my back spreading the wet spot . " " Your mother was asleep so close to you . If It was sleeping next you , It had to be close in age . " She was talking more to herself than to me . " Is It related to you ? " I nodded . " Your brother ? " " That makes It ten . That 's an early age to start molesting . You said you were five when it started , how old were you when it stopped ? " I stood in the waiting area of Zakiyyah office . I was a mess . My vision was blurry from tears . Thankfully , no one was there to see me like this , I was always her last patient . Suddenly I was trembling , my knees buckled . Jimmy , Zakiyyah 's assistant , ran from behind his desk . He took me by the arm , " here , sit down . Take some deep breaths and I 'll get you some water . " Once I got myself together I went back into her office . Why couldn 't I look like her ? She was so beautiful . I loved how her dark chocolate skin glowed , I admired her curvy body and her thick natural fro . I patted my tiny bush in envy . I didn 't feel worthy enough to be in her presence . She was so beautifully put together , and I was sitting here looking like a hot mess . " Have you told anyone about the abuse ? " " No . " I wanted to . On so many occasions I wanted to tell someone . The words were on the tip of my tongue but never could I bring myself to say them . I wouldn 't have mattered if I did , It was the family favorite . The oldest grandchild , everyone loved It . Nothing It did was wrong . Keeping my mouth shut always seemed like the wise choice . " How could she not know ? " " My mom , how could she not know what It was doing to me ? Every time she would leave us alone , I would silently beg her not to . But every time she left me alone , in danger with a smile on her face . I thought moms were supposed to have a sixth sense about these kind of things . Why didn 't she hear me crying out ? " " Maybe she just didn 't care . I always felt like she loved me less than my sisters . When she moved to a different state , she took my sisters with her , but left me with my grandma . Once I went to visit her , I begged her not to send me back , she told me to stop all that crying and get my ass in the car . She never cared about me . " Once I again I shook my head no . I wanted to ask her why , but I never had the courage to . I 've always been so weak , never had the strength or courage to defend myself . Zakiyyah scribed something in her pad . She looked at her watch . " Cassandra I 'm afraid that 's all the time we have for today . Her take this , " she handed me a small journal . " What 's this for ? " " I want you to write down what you do between our sessions . How you feel , things like that . I want to you to get used to expressing yourself , without fear of being judged . " " Thank you , " I said blushing . I knew she was lying , but it was still nice to hear . Zakiyyah was always good for a shot of self - confidence . " I want to start off with the journal I told you to keep , did you do it ? " She clicked on the camera as I pulled out of the journal . I was uncomfortable talking in front of it , but it was necessary , sometimes I couldn 't remember our session . " Cassandra , you have a job ? Where do you work at ? " That 's right , I did have a job . Everything was blurred together , it was hard for me to remember things from day to day . " I work at Kroger , in the deli department . " " That 's alright , don 't get flustered . This is what the journal is for , to help you remember . " She handed it back to me . " You want to read through it a little bit ? " Reading through it helped me remember a little bit , but it was still somewhat jumbled . " Cassandra before we talk about it , I want to take a minute and talk about the dreams again . You said you burned It , was It alive ? " " Cassandra , why are you smiling ? " She was going to really think I was crazy if I answered that . I shrugged my shoulders . " If I 'm going to help you , you have to be honest with me . " " I know it 's not right , but I like the dream where I choke It to death . I feel powerful as I choke the life out of It , the fear in its eyes is motivation . The only thing I wish I could change is the smell of onion on Its breath . " She was concerned . Whenever I said something that concerned her , she would twist her wedding ring . " There is nothing wrong with thinking ill thoughts about someone who has hurt you . That does not make you a bad person , it makes you human . But to this extent is rather extreme . " " I agree . I hate It . I avoid It at all cost . I 'm not ashamed to say at times I wished harm on It . However , in all these years I 've never wished It dead , nor have I wished to be the one to do it . " I grip the journal hard , so hard it starts to bend . " How dare you ask me that . Like what you put me through my whole life was nothing . I was just a little girl , I was scared , I trusted you . Now you have the audacity to ask me that question like you are so innocent . " " Cassandra clam down . It is not here , it 's me , Zakiyyah . " I look to her and remember where I am . My hand hurts and loosen my grip on the journal . " If you 're up to it , I would like to talk a little more about what It did to you . " Of course I couldn 't avoid that for long . Maybe this time would be easier . " The next instance I remember is when I was a little older . I was sick , mama had to come pick me up from school . I had a fever , it was 101 . 1 . Mama dropped me off home and went across the street to my aunt 's house . I was sitting in a chair she had in her room when It came in . Mom must 've sent it over to check on me . It didn 't waste any time . It pulled off its shirt first , then mine . It licked my breast , I developed early . " You are burning up , my baby is really sick , " It said . Then It pulled off both of our pants . I was so scared , what was I supposed to do . It laid down on the floor , and pulled me down on top . It pushed me down until I was face to face with its crouch . " You do me then I 'll do you . " It pushed my face deep in its crouch . I tried to pull away . " Come on , you 're not done with me yet . " " I began to gag . " I can still taste it . It 's so awful . Just out the blue the taste is in my mouth . It 's so nasty . " I try to wipe my tongue with my fingers , but I can still taste it . " Why won 't the taste go away . " I could feel the vomit about to come up . On cue Zakiyyah grabbed a trashcan . As soon as it was in front of me , I begin to hurl . Zakiyyah pats my back . " Don 't touch me , " I shout in between waves of vomit . A few minutes later I was able to calm down a bit . I sat in my chair focusing on the taste of the Big Red in my mouth . " Gum ? " I held out the pack to Zakiyyah . " Most families have a no secret policy , that way they avoid situations like these . And to get the victim the help they need . " " I know it all too well . That 's one of the factors in my picking my profession . That and the stigmata of mental illness in the black community . " " Wow , so this guy really told you , you have a pretty face ? " Zakiyyah had bumped up my sessions from two times a week to three times a week . I didn 't mind , despite the difficulty of them , they were the highlight of my week . " He did , and couldn 't understand why I was insulted . " " Maybe . I mean I love her . I guess she did the best she could . I was her first ; I didn 't come with instructions . And she was young when she had me , twenty . " I sat back in my chair , thinking about what she said . " When I was in pre - k our cubbies were in a closet . You had to go in there to put away your book bag and coat . One day me and a little boy happened to be in there putting our things away at the same time . Innocent , right ? I don 't know how mama find out , or what she thought happened , but that afternoon she tells me " I know you were in the closet with a boy . If I find out you were in there doing something nasty I 'm going to beat between your legs . Your teacher is going to ask you why are you walking funny and you 're going to say because my mama beat me between the legs . " " " I don 't know . Don 't remember doing anything , but she was always accusing me of being nasty or doing something nasty . I remember getting ready for my first sleep over and she tells me " If Jasmine 's mom tells me you were over the doing something nasty I 'm going to beat your ass . " I was thinking what nasty thing could we do over there . " " Yes . I was using the bathroom and one of my aunt 's male friends walked in on me . He apologized and walked out . I can 't remember why , but a few minutes later , my mom knocked on the door . I remember thinking what should I do with my hands , so I just figured it would be best to put them on my lap . Then I told her to come in . She did , and saw where my hands were . " You 're in here playing between your legs . " No , I 'm not , I said back . " Yes , you are . That 's probably what you were doing when that man walked in here on you . " I kept trying to tell her I wasn 't , but she wouldn 't believe . I got tired of arguing with her and just told her what she wanted to hear . " Get your nasty ass in that room , I 'll be in there with the belt . " " " Maybe , or maybe I 'm just a weak person . I mean these memories come back to me and suddenly I hate her . Her words stuck with me , they beat me down . In a way you are right though . I think about when I first started to like boys , she made me feel like I was wrong , or being nasty . " " No . She just told me it wasn 't good for me to be alone with a boy . I wasn 't until I was in high school did she start pushing me to or asking me if I liked a boy . By then it was too late . " " I understand now . You want intimacy , but you are also afraid of and disgusted by it . The sexual abuse combined with your mother 's action warped your sense of intimacy and sex . " " Because it 's always the same damn conversation . " What took you so long to call ? " " You must have a boy in the house with you . " It 's like she really doesn 't realize how screwed up I am . " " I feel like an idiot for being here . There are people out there who have had it way worse than me . Yet here I am crying and whining about my problems . I feel like I should suck it up and just deal with it . " " Cassandra you are dealing with it . Just because someone may be suffering a little more than you , doesn 't mean what you are going through doesn 't count . " That made sense , but it didn 't make me feel better . " Can we talk about your father ? " " Growing up , my mom told me my younger sister 's dad was all of our father , that was a lie . I guess she was ashamed to admit she had three kids by three different men . Next she tells me I have two fathers . What she meant by that is my birth father married another woman , and the man whose last name I have just disappeared . " " About seven years ago . The first words out of his mouth were " what took you so long to find me ? " I felt like we would finally be able to have a relationship . Then he stopped answering my phone calls . When he finally did answer , he told me he had no idea who I was . The thing about that , that hurt the most was the fact that he raised two kids that weren 't even his . I ask myself all the time , why wasn 't I good enough ? " " He loves us . He treats us just like he does his own biological kids . That begs the question why do I care so much about my sperm donor 's rejection . I have a father who cares about me , yet I still think about the one who doesn 't . " " It 's not good to hold all of this in . It is ok to express your feelings . You can 't go through life holding everything in . " " That 's not easy for me . I don 't want to say anything that is going to start a confrontation or hurt someone 's feeling . I have this need for everyone to like me . " " Not everyone is going to like you . Not everyone is going to be your friend . You can be the nicest , friendliest person around , and someone still won 't like you . " " Low self - esteem . So instead of being who you are , you become who you think everyone wants you to be . You say what you think they want you to say . " I thought about just how true that was . One time when It was molesting me , it asked me " do you like boys ? " I gave the answer I thought It wanted , I shook my head no . " You like girls ? " By the sound of It 's voice that was the wrong answer , so again I shook my head no . " What are you thinking about over there ? " " I was just thinking I wish I was more like you . You are so strong and so confident . I wish I had those traits . " I grew up the darkest person in a family with a huge complexion complex . I had to be strong to deal with all the insults . My brothers nicknamed me skillet . I had to find the beauty within myself or they would have won , that 's how I became confident . " She came over and sat next to me . This time I didn 't mind . " No , you 're here because you won . The only way It wins is if you would 've continued to let what It did eat you alive . You have more strength than you give yourself credit for . " " I don 't know . Sometimes I hard for me to picture where I 'll be a few days from now . If I could get to the point where I 'm not working the same dead end job and finally happy with myself , I think I 'll be satisfied . " " True , but I would like to know what it is like to be genuinely happy . If only for one day . I 'll take that and run with it . " Things haven 't been well since our last session . The dreams were back in full force , even more vivid . This session Zakiyyah doesn 't want me to tell her about the dream , instead she wants me to write it down . It 's hard for me to hold the pen steady . How would I feel about seeing the dreams in words ? Zakiyyah sat across the room at her desk . She was typing on her computer . " Take your time , and let me know when you are done , " she says . She wants me to write everything , no detail is too small . I press the pen against the paper and begin to write . I 'm standing outside the apartment door . I know what 's on the other side of the door , and I 'm not afraid . I knock on the door three times . There is no turning back from what I 'm about to do . " Who is it ? " I don 't respond . It must 've looked out the peep hole , the next thing I hear is the door unlocking . It looks at me and smiles . It turns and walks into the apartment and I follow . It rubs its hand across my chest . The feel of its touch makes me cringe . " I missed you . " Then It starts to take off its black cargo pants . I take off my gray jacket , shaking the snow off of it . It is taking off its red underwear . Laying down on the floor It says , " you do me , then I 'll do you . " Instinctively , I climb on top . That 's when I notice the cable cord running along the wall . " Don 't keep me waiting . " The onion on its breath hits my nose . I look in its eyes and smile . In open quick motion I grabbed the cable cord and wrap it around It 's neck . I pull the cord tight , and It 's eyes bulges eye , that scares me . It starts to fight , that won 't help , I outweigh It by one hundred pounds . It 's scratching at my hands . I pull the cord tighter . I start to think about what I 'm doing , this isn 't me . This isn 't who I want to be . I 'm better than this . I loosen my grip on the cord . I was about to get up when It asks me " why are you doing this ? " Any guilt or hesitation , I may have felt immediately went away . I pulled the cord so tight my hands burned . It continues to struggle under me . I rest all of my weight on top of it . A calm came over me as I watched It take its last breath . I stared into its eyes and watched its soul leave its body . That 's usually the point where I wake up with a smile on my face . After the dreams I usually feel relaxed when I wake , but it 's never with a smile . " All done , " I said , handing Zakiyyah the paper . She took it and places it on her desk without reading it . " Are you going to read it ? " " I have had the jean romper in my closet for months . Its short stopping mid - thigh . I finally had the confidence to wear it . I thought I looked good . While walking the mall two guys were behind me . I overhear one of them say " wide load knows she has no business wearing that . " " She should have put tights under , " the other said . Just like that I lost all the confidence I had . I ran to my car and cried like a baby . " She sighed . " I usually don 't get this personal with a client , but here goes . It had not been easy to accept my skin color , but I have . That doesn 't mean I don 't have setbacks . Do you know what my brother got me last Christmas ? " I shook my head . " A gift certificate for skin bleaching , I cried hard about that . " " I agree . The point I 'm trying to make is that we all have weak spots . For you its your weight , for me , it 's my complexion . Remember when you said you wanted to be me , well , I want to be Lupita Nyong ' o . " " Isn 't she . She owns every red carpet , she walks down . What I really love about her is how she wears her blackness like a crown . It 's only natural for women to compare themselves to each other . " " One time It sat on my face . It wanted me to lick its butthole . I resisted or I wasn 't doing it right . It told me to lay down on the floor , then sat on my face . It was so heavy ; I thought my head was going to crush at any moment . I prayed it would hurry up and get off me . When It was done It took me to the kitchen , washed out my mouth , then stuck its tongue down my throat . Then It made me kiss its dirty neck . " " Dirty , ashamed , a little worthless . I lashed out by pouring some of my aunt 's pills down the toilet . It was supposed to only be a few , but the whole bottle fell out . " I chuckled a little bit . " It caught me , then had the nerve to tell on me , forgetting what it had just done to me . " Today was a new session , not much has happened since my last one . " All the time . It 's a constant fear for me . It has four nieces all of whom who live with it . Every time I close my eyes , I think about what It may be doing to those poor kids . " " A little of both I guess . I know just enough about It to make sure I stay far away from it . The greatest day of my life was when It moved five hours away . " " Hell no . Because of the age difference we didn 't have to spend much time together . And when she moved to a different neighborhood the abuse happened less frequently . " " Well the next time was kind of different . It was Christmas vacation , It and I and gone to visit our grandma . The first night we were there It took my hand and rubbed it against its crouch , then made me lick it . " Do I taste good ? " I just nodded . What kind of sense does that make ? " " Then it said " I wish we were alone . " I was afraid . The hair on my body stood up . I knew what would happen once the lights went out . So I grabbed my suitcase and went to my aunt 's house . I thought I 'd be safe there . Well , I must have been a pedophile magnet because that didn 't happen . " " No , my aunt is a good woman . At that time , she was in a new relationship . Her new fiancée and his father came to visit . One night he was babysitting while they went out . While I was asleep , he came in the room and tried to rape me . I started to cry and he ran out of the room . " " No . I searched for him on the internet , but nothing came up . I could have asked my uncle , I just felt it was best if I left it alone . " I guess I couldn 't avoid that question forever . " I was fifteen maybe sixteen . " I put my head down in shame . " There is no need to be ashamed . Some people are abused well into their adult years , especially if their abuser is related to them . " " You don 't understand . That time I … " I couldn 't say it . I was much too ashamed . Zakiyyah read my mind . " You orgasmed . Cassandra that still does not make it your fault . If a woman who is raped has an orgasm does that mean she wanted it or enjoyed it ? No . You were a hormonal teenager ; it was your body 's natural response to sexual stimuli . " " I gave It instructions . I moaned and begged it not to stop . There is no justification you can give that will excuse that . After that I made it a priority to stay as far away from It as possible . I was never alone with It again after that . It is hot in here , " I pulled off my jacket . " Dear lord , Cassandra what happened to your wrist ? " " You can tell me . If we need to figure out another treatment plan , we can do that . Maybe up your sessions or an inpatient treatment program . " " I don 't know . I remember leaving your office , the next thing I know an angel is tapping my wrist . " That may have sounded crazy , but that 's what happened . " An angel , " she looked at me like I was nuts . " That doesn 't make any sense . " There was a knock on the door . Jimmy stuck his head in . " I don 't mean to interrupt , but it is thirty minutes past closing . " " I 'll be leaving now , " I said , grabbing my purse . " Cassandra wait a minute . Jimmy you can go ahead and leave . I 'll close up . " He nodded and left . She reached for me and I pulled away . " Cassandra I care about , probably more than I should , I only want what is best for you . " " Jimmy did you get a response ? " It was 4 : 30 p . m . and Cassandra hadn 't shown up for her appointment . This was not like her . She never missed a session and was always at least forty - five minutes early . " No , I keep getting the voicemail . " This was my fault ; I had pushed her too hard last time . " Dial the number , " I said to Jimmy picking up the phone . It kept ringing until the voicemail picked up . " Hey Cassandra , its Zakiyyah . I just wanted to know what was going on , you haven 't made it to your session yet . Give me a call when you get this , bye . " I headed towards my office . " Let me know if she calls . " Jimmy nodded and continued working at his desk . I sat at my desk watching the minutes ' tick by . Before I knew it , it was after five and still no word from Cassandra . " Knock , knock , " Jimmy said , sticking his head in the door . " Zakiyyah , I don 't think she is coming . " " I think you are right . I guess we can head out now . " I put Cassandra 's file in my bag and headed out the door . In my car I typed her address into my GPS . I knew I was crossing the line , but there was a chance she may have hurt herself , I needed to be sure she was alright . I walked up to her apartment . After knocking I admired her gardening . The porch was lined with beautiful flowers . The door opened , and it was not Cassandra . Maybe it was her roommate . " Hello , can I help you ? " " I 've lived here for over five years , I know all my neighbors , I 've never heard of her . " I thanked her and walked away from her door defeated . I went to Cassandra 's job and pretty much got the same response . I even described her and still nothing . This was confusing , everything she put on this form was wrong . Once home , I started dinner for my husband , seafood linguine with pesto sauce , his favorite . When I heard his car pull up I silently thanked God . My husband was a police officer . Every day when he walked out of the door , I knew there was a chance he might not come back . He walked in the door and kissed my lips . " Hey babe , there was a package for you , " I said , pointing to the envelope on the table . " Oh , that 's just a case file Mitch sent me . He 's hitting a dead end on a case he is working and he thought some fresh eyes would help . " He opened the file and I saw a picture . " No , sir , take that in the living room . I don 't need to see any dead bodies . " All I saw was some black pants and red panties , and that was more than enough . He closed the file and stared at me . " You want to talk about it ? " I stirred the pot of noodles . " Cassandra didn 't come to her session today and I can 't reach her . I 'm afraid she may have harmed herself . " I told him about all her contact information being wrong . " Is there a chance you may be overreacting ? " " Most likely not . You said it yourself , she is a troubled woman . However , there is a chance she may need more help than you can offer . " I got up and went back to the stove . He was right , Cassandra did need more help than I could offer . I had been thinking about committing her for weeks , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . In a way it felt like I was giving up on her . " " That 's terrible , " I mumbled . I took the pot off the stove and drained the noodles in the sink . I went to the refrigerator and grabbed the seafood . I cleaned it before leaving for work this morning , that way it could marinate in the seasoning . As I walked towards the stove Landon 's words sunk in . Beaten , stabbed , and burned . I remembered the black pants and the red underwear . I didn 't realize I had dropped the bowl until Landon came running into the kitchen . " Zakiyyah , what 's wrong ? " " Zakiyyah none of that was released to the public . How do you know that ? " Ignoring him I rushed to my briefcase . My hands were trembling so bad I couldn 't get it open . " Zakiyyah how do you know this information ? " " Right when the dreams started . Oh God , it all makes sense now . Those weren 't dreams they were memories . She couldn 't handle what she had done and had mental breakdown . " " Landon she told me everything . " I handed him the papers where she had written down her dreams . " There is a blood trail from the living room to the bedroom . And a red and black sectional against the far right wall . " Cassandra really needed my help . How could I not see that she was suffering from a psychotic break . As I flipped through the file I noticed that she had an alternate number listed . Landon was shouting about something as I grabbed my phone and dialed the number . The phone picked up on the third ring . I was tempted to hang up when a deep voiced man answered the phone . " Hello , my name is Zakiyyah Rogers , is Cassandra Wilkinson in ? " I burst into tears . " Oh God Cassandra , what did you do ? Why didn 't I see ? " I didn 't believe Landon when he said we would find her . Considering her condition , she was lost to herself . Preview : 10 … 9 … 8 … 7 … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 , happy New year . " Goodbye 2014 and hello 2015 , " Jordan said , taking a long swig of his champagne . He sat at the table with his two older brothers , Joseph aka Little Joe and Jesse . The McCullough boys had a lot to be proud of , 2014 was a good year for them . " Not so fast Jordan , 2014 has been good to us . The Atlanta Journal voted me pediatrician of the year . Jesse , I 'm so proud of you little bro . The Atlanta Bar Association 's lawyer on the rise award winner . " Little Joe took a sip of his apple cider while patting Jesse on the back . " Yeah 2014 was good , so 2015 can only be better . So here 's to the future , " he said , raising his glass . Jordan cleared his throat . When no one noticed he cleared his throat again . " What Jordan , " Jesse responded . " Y ' all fools gone act like I haven 't accomplished anything this year ? " Little Joe took another sip from his glass . He wouldn 't even dignify that with a response . Jordan was childish and selfish as hell . If it wasn 't for somebody else taking care of him he would be in a sad place . While Little Joe held his piece , Jesse had no problem telling Jordan what he thought . " Because you didn 't accomplish anything this year . " Jesse sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes . Jordan was clueless , and on his last nerve . " Yeah all paid for by the woman you 're banging . " " Enough you two , damn , " Little Joe said . " Y ' all fight like little kids sometimes . Can we please not do this tonight ? Moving on to New Year 's resolutions , Jesse you go first . " Jesse finished his champagne , " I am going to get married , " he said without hesitation . " Man please , you not even dating anybody , " Jordan said , hoping his words stung Jesse as much as his stung him . " Jesse why are you in such a rush to get married ? Take your time , enjoy being single , " Little Joe said . He was starting to get a little agitated , he was in no mood to play peace keeper between Jesse and Jordan tonight . Jesse knew what Little Joe was doing . He would let that slide for now . " Little Joe if I didn 't know better , I would swear it sounded like you regretted getting married " Jesse replied . " That 's not what I 'm saying . I love Cat and my kids . I 'm just saying I was way too young when we got married . " Little Joe thought about it . He had accomplished just about everything he set out to , he really couldn 't want for more . " Well , my resolution is to take care of me . The kids are older , my practice is booming , and I 'm where I want to be financially . Hell its time I enjoyed the results of my hard work . " Little Joe appreciated that . He didn 't think anybody realized just how much he sacrificed . For as long as he could remember he put everyone else 's needs ahead of his own . Through it all he never complained . He just did what he thought was expected of him . It felt good to know he was at least a little appreciated . " Alright Jordan , it 's your turn . " Jordan nodded his head , " I don 't have any resolutions this year . I 'm happy with my life right now , so I 'm just going to enjoy the moment . " Little Joe rubbed his temples . He didn 't know why he was so surprised . He should have expected such a selfish answer from him . " Seriously , Jordan , there 's nothing you want to work on this year ? " " Like what , " he asked staring down a woman at the bar . Little Joe sighed in aggravation . There was no use in talking to him , especially if he didn 't see the problem . " How about being a better father to your kids , " Jesse said . " Jesse fuck you . I 'm a damn good father to my kids , I pay my child support . " " Being a father is more than having your current fling write a check . It 's about spending time with them on days other than their birthdays and Christmas . " The truth hurt and at that moment Jordan was hurting like hell . " What the hell you know about being a father ? How many kids do you have ? No , wait , I get it , your soldiers don 't march . Ha , you shooting blanks . " Jesse slide off his jacket and pushed Jordan to the floor . Jordan was so mad he could feel the steam coming from his ears . Jordan got up from the floor , then Jesse stood up . They stood eye to eye . " Oh , you are trying to hurt my feelings little boy ? Guess what , you are going to have to try harder than that . " Jordan was ready to strike . He saw the fire in Jesse 's eyes . Jesse stood with his fist and teeth clenched , his eyebrows were furrowed . Jordan smirked , he knew which buttons to push to tick his brother off . Now he just waited for Little Joe to intervene . Instead Little Joe sat back and watched the scene unfold . Everyone else in the club was too busy drinking and having a good time to notice the explosive situation . Jordan knew he couldn 't win a fist fight with Jesse . They may have been the same height and build , but Jordan 's bark was way worse than his bite . Realizing Little Joe wasn 't going to do anything he did the smart thing and backed down . " Whatever man , you a hater . " " Joe don 't start with me and don 't call me that , " Jesse snapped . He picked up the champagne bottle and topped off his glass . " Instead of coming for me , you and pops need to let Jordan 's nuts drop and make him be a man . " Jesse chugged the champagne . His skin was thick , it would take a lot more than a few cheap shots from Jordan to shake him . " This is not about what Jordan said . It 's about the fact that he 's twenty - six and you and pops still treat him like he 's six . You have a problem with what I said to him , but you haven 't said zip about what he said to me . " Little Joe kept on like he didn 't hear what Jesse said . Jesse was older , he should have never let it come to blows . " You know what your problem is Jesse ? " " So once again I 'm the problem ? " Jesse shook his head , shit never change . Little Joe stood up and put on his coat . " You know what , you and Jordan have managed to ruin the first night out I 've had in a long time . I 'm going home , so if you want a ride , let 's go . " Jesse chugged another glass of champagne and ran behind Little Joe who was already half way to the door . Jordan saw them leave , but was too busy saving the number of some girl in his phone to care . Jesse Little Joe zoomed through traffic . Even at one in the morning traffic was still heavy . The closer we got to my house the more I dreaded it . It was a shame , anyone in their right mind would be glad to call my place home . It was a five bedroom , three bath palace that overlooked my own personal lake . The granite counter tops assented the marble floors and Italian leather furniture . Yet every time I walked in it took everything in me not to burn it to the ground . It was so cold and lonely . Like a high priced prison . " Jesse you 're home . You can get out now . " I didn 't even realize we had arrived . I couldn 't even stand looking at the place . " Joe man , I 'm sorry . The night doesn 't have to end like this , you want to grab a bite to eat ? " I undid my seatbelt , " man you 're getting old , you can 't hang like you use to " . " Goodnight , " he said as I got out . As I made my way up to the door my feet felt like lead . I walked into the living room and closed the door . Immediately the silence and loneliness wrapped themselves so tightly around me that I felt as if I was suffocating . When I first bought this house I planned on it being filled with a wife and kids by now . With each year that passed and the older I got , the more I began to lose faith that I would ever have those things . I dragged myself upstairs . As I entered my bedroom , I undressed and let my clothes hit the floor . Wearing nothing but my Calvin Klein underwear I sat down on my California king bed . My body shivered as a result of the cold . Joe 's words raced through my mind , " Jesse your home . " I swallowed a large sleeping pill and lay down . " You 're wrong Joe , this isn 't a home . It 's just a house . " My ringing cellphone woke me from a sound sleep . Stirring a little , I jerked up when it rang again . Sitting up in a strange bed , I wiped the sleep from my eyes and the slob from the side of my mouth . After getting out of the bed , I found my clothes folded neatly on the dresser . I snatched my phone from my pants and saw forty missed calls . " Damn . " " I pulled the GPS . I 'm five minutes away and Jordan I swear if you at some bitch 's house … " I hung up the phone . I hurried up and threw on my clothes as fast as I could . Sometimes I swear I didn 't know why I dealt with the drama of Tracy . As I strapped my Rolex on my wrist I remembered why . I shoved my feet into my shoes and raced out the bedroom . Racing down the hallway I ran right into Nicole . She was standing there naked , holding a frying pan and a spatula . " Good morning baby , I made breakfast " . I smirked almost forgetting that Tracy was hot on my trail . She wasn 't the thickest woman , but what she lacked in cup size and ass , she more than made up for in tongue action . I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her lips . " Damn baby . I really wish I could , but I got to head back into town . Can I get a rain check ? " I kissed her again before rushing towards the door . " I 'll call you , " I shouted over my shoulder . Before heading to my car I peeked around the corner . I didn 't see Tracy 's Lexus so I made a mad dash to my car and headed back to Atlanta . I smiled as thoughts of last night flooded my mind . It wasn 't Nicole 's body or looks that had attracted me to her , nor was it her slim waist . Rather , it was the Chanel clutch and Land Rover car key that she carried . When I approached her at the bar all it took was a smile and a kiss on the hand to hook her . When I pulled up to my pops ' house he was sitting on the porch swing like always . I needed some more sleep before I went home and dealt with Tracy 's madness . " Hey pops , how you are doing ? " Tracy didn 't scary me . I knew how to deal with her . " Pops trust me , I know how to deal with Tracy . Besides , I like them crazy . They have the best . " I stopped mid - sentence when he stared at me sideways . " They have the best what ? " I stared at my phone . I was saved when Sabrina came out of the house . Sabrina was the nursing student that rented a room from my pops . I thought it was a good idea that pops had her living with him . Now that he was getting up there in age , someone had to look after him . She walked out onto the porch and handed pops a glass of sweet tea and some pills . He took the tea , but pushed away the pills . " I 'll take them a little later . " She argued with him with her eyes . I sat back and watched what was going on . She must 've lost the argument because she turned to go in the house . I grabbed her , " hey Sabrina when we are going to go out and do a little something ? " " Your hands are not broke . " She broke away from me . She went inside and closed the screen door behind her . " Boy , that 's a good girl , leave her alone . You don 't mean her no good . " " Boy did you forget that I 'm your dad ? " Just then all my kids came running out of the house , " daddy where you been ? " " Why haven 't you come seen me ? " I was at a loss for words . I wasn 't expecting to see them . My eldest son Jordan Jr . hopped on my lap . JJ was about to be seven and the only one of my kids that I couldn 't deny . The boy looked just like me . He was my carbon copy . He smiled at me revealing his missing two front teeth . My twins Skylar and Skyla were five . After two DNA test I had no choice but to claim them . I didn 't trust that white woman at all . My youngest boy Jamie was three . Out of all my kids he was the one I saw the least . His mother was a mile and a half past crazy , so I tried to avoid her at all cost . She was good for a quick nut though . " Daddy , where you have been , " JJ asked me again . " Daddy had to go to the military . " Pops rolled his eyes . I hadn 't seen any of them since Christmas . It wasn 't nothing to do with them , I have just been busy . " Why don 't you all go back in the house ? Daddy will be in in a minute . Pops what are my kids doing here , " I asked when they were out of earshot . " Isis and Tina asked me to watch JJ and the twins while they went out last night . Then I just figured I would go ahead and call Victoria and ask her to bring Jamie . " He staring back at the newspaper . " Pops I 'm tired , I don 't feel like being bothered with them . " He closed the newspaper . I could tell he was aggravated . " Have you ever thought that I might enjoy spending time with my grandkids ? Besides , they need a male role model . " Tired of listening to his preaching and unwanted advice , I got up and went inside the house . My kids were sitting around the tv watching Arthur on PBS . I sat down on the couch , planning on taking a quick nap . Skyla got up and pulled a book out of her bag . " Daddy pawpaw was reading Harry Potter to us , can you read some too ? " I almost said no until I realized Sabrina was in the kitchen listening . " Yeah baby girl , daddy will read to you . " She hopped on my lap with excitement . " JJ turn off the tv . " He did and they all gathered around me as I opened the book to the marked page . " Welcome ! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts ! Before we begin our banquet I would like to say a few words . And here they are : Nitwit ! Blubber ! Odmen ! Tweak ! " They all laughed and I laughed too . See I was a good father . Joseph I sat on the front porch and looked out onto the street . Most days you could find me right here on my porch swing . I loved sitting here . Some of the best memories I have of my late wife , Jessica , were sitting right here on this swing watching the boys play or staring up at the night sky . Since she died I haven 't even thought of remarrying . I 've dated quite a few times , but I 've never come close to loving another woman the way I loved my wife . God , how I missed that woman . But it wouldn 't be much longer though , just a matter of weeks , months at the most . Sabrina came out and sat next to me . She had a smile on her face . " What 's so amusing ? " " Yeah , you can say he has his moments . Every now and again a good father will pounce out of him . " She tried to hand me those pills again . I pushed her hand away " I 'm not taking those pills . " " Quality over quantity my dear . Those pills make me feel worse than the cancer . I can 't even play with my grandkids when I take them . " She gave up and put the pills back in the bottle . " Ok fine . But can we at least tell your sons ? I don 't like lying to them . " She stared at me with her big eyes . " When ? Let 's be honest Mr . Joseph you don 't have much time . And since you won 't take your medicine you have even less time . " She kissed my forehead , " you feel a little warm and clammy . I 'll go get the thermometer . " She got up and went back inside . I looked out onto the street . Today was not as cold as the last few days . It only snowed a little today . I saw the curtains move in the window across the street . I waved , knowing that Leslie was watching . " Nosey old woman . " Sabrina came back out with the thermometer . " Open wide , " she said . She placed the thermometer under my tongue . " Yep . You are definitely coming down with something . I get you some Theraflu and honey . " She walked back inside and Tracy 's black Lexus pulled up . She jumped out and raced up the porch . She looked a mess . Her mascara was running and her clothes were wrinkled like she had slept in them . " Is Jordan here ? " Why was I always being dragged into their problems ? They were going to have to do this somewhere else . Today was not the day , especially with my grandkids in the house . " Tracy calm down there are kids in there . " " I don 't care , " she said running past me into the house . I followed behind her as quickly as I could . In the living room Jordan and the kids were on the couch asleep . Tracy pulled out her phone and snapped a picture . " My man is a good father . " It scared me how quickly she did that one eighty . Little Joe I was beyond glad when the second service had finally ended . There was still the night service , but I wouldn 't be in attendance . We were all sitting in pastor 's office . I was still recovering from last night . I was tired and my head was pounding . And I didn 't even have a drink , being the DD sucked . Jesse was right though , I couldn 't hang like I used to . I almost didn 't want to come this morning , but being married to the pastor 's daughter made that decision impossible . " Joe baby , daddy 's talking to you . Did you hear him ? " There was no way I was doing that . We were already here every time the doors opened and Cat had the kids in every church related activity available , it was just too much . Especially for Baby Joe . Yeah , it kept him busy , but he was fifteen he didn 't need or want to spend all his time in church . " Pastor Jameson that is a really good offer and I 'm honored . But with everything that is going on with my practice I don 't think I would have the time to do the job to your standards . " I figured that sounded better than hell no . " Are you telling me you 're too busy to do the lord 's work ? " This is why I couldn 't stand this man . I swear if it wasn 't for Cat and the kids , I wouldn 't have anything to do with them . " Daddy that is not what he means . As much as he wants to do it , he can 't fully commit to it and you know how high your standards are . You should get Brother Morris to do it . He doesn 't have a life . " " Catherine hush now . If your father wanted Brother Morris to do it , he would 've asked him . " Mrs . Jameson stood behind pastor massaging his shoulders . She had on the same blue dress as Cat . While Cat 's dress was short and hugged her curves , Mrs . Jameson 's dress was long and hung loose . I didn 't mind that Cat showed off her goods , nor did I mind when men looked at her . I took it as a compliment . I had a gorgeous wife and I was proud of that . " Hush woman . Actually , I think Brother Morris would make a better choice . " I mouthed thank you and Cat winked at me . " Ok , enough with church business . On to family business . We need to discuss Noah . He 'll be getting out on Tuesday . Someone needs to be there to pick him up and he needs a place to stay . " " Catherine your father just got done delivering a sermon , he doesn 't need you stressing him out . " Mrs . Jameson took the whole obedient wife thing to another level . She agreed with everything pastor said . In twenty years I had never once seen her argue with him . On the few occasions she did open her mouth to voice her opinion he was quick to shut her down . " Mom Noah is your son . " Pastor Jameson stood . " My son died a long time ago . Now I 'm through with this discussion . " He walked out of the office with Mrs . Jameson hot on his tail . " I don 't care what they say . Noah is my brother and I will not turn my back on him . He can stay with us . " She looked at me with a shocked expression on her face . I didn 't care though , Noah staying with us was not an option . " Excuse me . So now you agree with my parents ? " " Ok first off I 'm going to forgive you for that insult . No , I don 't agree with your parents . I just don 't understand the total loyalty you have to him . Lord knows he doesn 't deserve it . " Hell I didn 't deserve her loyalty either , but that was a discussion for another day . " Joe , he 's my brother . I 'm all he 's got . If one of your brothers needed a place to stay would you turn your back on them ? " She knew I wouldn 't . I would stop the earth and make time reverse for my bothers . " No . But Noah still can 't stay with us . He can stay at our old condo until he finds something else . And I 'll pick him up from jail on Tuesday . " " Oh god , please not in the pastor 's office . " We didn 't even notice Dorothy walk in . " Dorothy , please , we know better . " She looked at us and backed out . " Come on Joe , we got a little time before the children 's choir rehearsal let out . There 's something I want to show you in the car . " That night after church I was in the living room helping Nyla with her homework . Cat had to finish a project for work so I was stuck doing this . In a way I didn 't mind , I enjoyed spending time with my baby girl . She was growing up so fast , she was already ten . She was definitely her mother 's daughter . With her round face and deep set eyes . I could already tell she was going to have Cat 's figure , hell she was already wearing a training bra . That is why I kept my shotgun cocked and loaded . Pretty soon she wouldn 't need my help anymore . " Daddy , what did you get for number three ? I can 't figure it out . " I looked at this question backwards , forwards , sideways , and I still had no idea what it was saying . I swear I was reading Japanese " Nyla , I 'm not going to tell you the answer . Skip it and go to the next one . Once you 're done , we 'll go over it together . " I couldn 't help her with number three because I was still struggling with number one . " Dad , look at this , " Baby Joe said running out of his room . " Well , looks who 's up from his hibernation . " He had been held up in his room since we got home from church . " Dad look , " he said , shoving a piece of paper in my face . Baby Joe looked a lot like Jordan , he even had those LL Cool J lips . It wasn 't surprising , though . Jordan and Cat argued and fought the whole time she was pregnant with Baby Joe . I looked at the paper and it was a drawing of a Phoenix . Baby Joe was one hell of an artist . " That looks good son . " He looked at me and shook his head . Maybe was I was a little rough but he caught me off guard . " Why can 't I get a tattoo ? Terrell already has two . " I stood up . I was done with this conversation . Sometimes I didn 't know what the hell was wrong with my kids sometimes . " But nothing . Now help your sister with her homework before I knock some sense into you . " Cat was sitting at the kitchen table typing away on her computer . I opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle water . " How is your project coming along ? " She looked up from the computer . " Baby when you are the only black female executive , everything you do is make or break . Did you and Nyla get her homework done ? " I sat down at the table across from her . " Actually you 're both right . That is new math . It 's called the common core method . But you 're still old though . " I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . She was just a crazy as Baby Joe . " Cat you can 't be serious . He 's fifteen and about to do something that will be stuck with him for the rest of his life . " She was comparing apple and oranges right now . Dreads could be easily cut off , but tattoos were permanent . " First off pops didn 't let me get dreads , I came home with them . And as soon as he saw them , he cut them off himself . Secondly , I was seventeen . " " Cat we need to talk about this later because I can tell this is about to turn into an argument . " I walked away from the table . That night putting Nyla to bed was a breeze . Church must have really worn her out because she was sleep before I could even turn her nightlight on . Baby Joe went straight to his room after helping Nyla do her homework . I guess he was mad at me , he 'll be ok . As pops used to say if your kid liked you all the time you were doing something wrong . I wanted to slap myself every time I quoted pops . When I walked into our bedroom Cat was on her side of the bed oiling her skin . I went into the bathroom and turn on the shower . " Don 't forget you have to take the kids to school tomorrow . I have to go to the office early . " " I didn 't forget , " I said closing the bathroom door . I looked in the mirror and sighed , it was time to get my dreads tightened up . Isis was going to be the first person I called tomorrow . I had no problem admitting I was an ugly motherfucker . Despite that I made sure to keep myself looking as good as possible , from my head right down to my pedicured feet . When I came out of the bathroom Cat was sitting up in the bed with her arms folded across her chest . I climbed into bed . " Goodnight , " I said turning off the lamp . " Don 't we need to talk about something ? " Expressing himself please . I think his only goal in this was pissing me off . " This is not about him expressing himself . This is about him trying to grow up too fast . Besides , I 'm thirty - eight and I don 't have a tattoo , yet I express myself just fine . " She leaned over and rubbed my chest . " Joe if our kids don 't feel comfortable talking to us they will start doing stuff behind our backs . They have to have some say in the decisions we make regarding them . " So you want them to tell us how to raise them . Really ? We 're not going to agree on this . Goodnight . " I clicked off the light . She clicked back on the lights . " No , we are not done . I 'm their mother and I have a say in raising them . If you think I 'm going to sit back while you make all the decisions you got me confused with my mother . " We had this argument at least once a month . When it came to the kids there were very few decisions we agreed on . " Oh , so how I mother our children is wrong . So what , I 'm supposed to be more like your mother ? " It would 've hurt less if she had hit me . I turned my back to her and pulled the covers up to my shoulders . " Love I 'm sorry . You know I didn 't mean that . " She put her finger in my dimple and twisted . I shooed her finger from my face and clicked off the lamp . Cassandra : A Short Story Growing up Cassandra wasn 't afraid of the monster in her closet or the thing under her bed . Growing up Cassandra was afraid of It , her very own flesh and blood monster . It did unspeakable things to Cassandra , things that affect her well into adulthood . Cassandra 's life starts to spiral out of control when she begins to have dreams about killing It . Afraid of what she may become Cassandra seeks the help of therapist Zakiyyah . Can Zakiyyah save Cassandra from It and herself , or is it already too late ?

One day he received a letter from home . It was from his mother , who wrote : ' I am getting old , and should like to see my dear son once more before I die . Come and say good - bye to me and bury me , and then , if God pleases , return to service again with my blessing . But I have found a girl for you , who is sensible and good and has some property . If you can love her , you might marry her and remain at home . ' Zhílin thought it over . It was quite true , the old lady was failing fast and he might not have another chance to see her alive . He had better go , and , if the girl was nice , why not marry her ? It was a time of war in the Caucasus . The roads were not safe by night or day . If ever a Russian ventured to ride or walk any distance away from his fort , the Tartars killed him or carried him off to the hills . So it had been arranged that twice every week a body of soldiers should march from one fortress to the next to convoy travellers from point to point . It was summer . At daybreak the baggage - train got ready under shelter of the fortress ; the soldiers marched out ; and all started along the road . Zhílin was on horseback , and a cart with his things went with the baggage - train . They had sixteen miles to go . The baggage - train moved slowly ; sometimes the soldiers stopped , or perhaps a wheel would come off one of the carts , or a horse refuse to go on , and then everybody had to wait . Zhílin rode on in front , and stopped , waiting for the baggage to overtake him . Then he heard the signal - horn sounded behind him : the company had again stopped . So he began to think : ' Hadn 't I better ride on by myself ? My horse is a good one : if the Tartars do attack me , I can gallop away . Perhaps , however , it would be wiser to wait . ' ' Come along , Zhílin , let 's go on by ourselves . It 's dreadful ; I am famished , and the heat is terrible . My shirt is wringing wet . ' So they rode forward along the road across the plain , talking , but keeping a look - out on both sides . They could see afar all round . But after crossing the plain the road ran through a valley between two hills , and Zhílin said : ' We had better climb that hill and have a look round , or the Tartars may be on us before we know it . ' ' No , ' he said ; ' you can wait here if you like , but I 'll go and look round . ' And he turned his horse to the left , up the hill . Zhílin 's horse was a hunter , and carried him up the hillside as if it had wings . ( He had bought it for a hundred roubles as a colt out of a herd , and had broken it in himself . ) Hardly had he reached the top of the hill , when he saw some thirty Tartars not much more than a hundred yards ahead of him . As soon as he caught sight of them he turned round , but the Tartars had also seen him , and rushed after him at full gallop , getting their guns out as they went . Down galloped Zhílin as fast as the horse 's legs could go , shouting to Kostílin : ' Get your gun ready ! ' Zhílin saw it was a bad look - out ; the gun was gone , and what could he do with nothing but his sword ? He turned his horse towards the escort , thinking to escape , but there were six Tartars rushing to cut him off . His horse was a good one , but theirs were still better ; and besides , they were across his path . He tried to rein in his horse and to turn another way , but it was going so fast it could not stop , and dashed on straight towards the Tartars . He saw a red - bearded Tartar on a grey horse , with his gun raised , come at him , yelling and showing his teeth . ' Ah , ' thought Zhílin , ' I know you , devils that you are . If you take me alive , you 'll put me in a pit and flog me . I will not be taken alive ! ' He tried to rise , but two ill - savoured Tartars were already sitting on him and binding his hands behind his back . He made an effort and flung them off , but three others jumped from their horses and began beating his head with the butts of their guns . His eyes grew dim , and he fell back . The Tartars seized him , and , taking spare girths from their saddles , twisted his hands behind him and tied them with a Tartar knot . They knocked his cap off , pulled off his boots , searched him all over , tore his clothes , and took his money and his watch . Zhílin looked round at his horse . There it lay on its side , poor thing , just as it had fallen ; struggling , its legs in the air , unable to touch the ground . There was a hole in its head , and black blood was pouring out , turning the dust to mud for a couple of feet around . The Tartars took the saddle and trappings . The red - bearded Tartar mounted his horse , and the others lifted Zhílin into the saddle behind him . To prevent his falling off , they strapped him to the Tartar 's girdle ; and then they all rode away to the hills . So there sat Zhílin , swaying from side to side , his head striking against the Tartar 's stinking back . He could see nothing but that muscular back and sinewy neck , with its closely shaven , bluish nape . Zhílin 's head was wounded : the blood had dried over his eyes , and he could neither shift his position on the saddle nor wipe the blood off . His arms were bound so tightly that his collar - bones ached . Twilight began to fall ; they crossed another river , and rode up a stony hillside . There was a smell of smoke here , and dogs were barking . They had reached an Aoul ( a Tartar village ) . The Tartars got off their horses ; Tartar children came and stood round Zhílin , shrieking with pleasure and throwing stones at him . The Tartar drove the children away , took Zhílin off the horse , and called his man . A Nogáy [ 2 ] with high cheek - bones , and nothing on but a shirt ( and that so torn that his breast was all bare ) , answered the call . The Tartar gave him an order . He went and fetched shackles : two blocks of oak with iron rings attached , and a clasp and lock fixed to one of the rings . That night Zhílin hardly slept at all . It was the time of year when the nights are short , and daylight soon showed itself through a chink in the wall . He rose , scratched to make the chink bigger , and peeped out . Through the hole he saw a road leading down - hill ; to the right was a Tartar hut with two trees near it , a black dog lay on the threshold , and a goat and kids were moving about wagging their tails . Then he saw a young Tartar woman in a long , loose , bright - coloured gown , with trousers and high boots showing from under it . She had a coat thrown over her head , on which she carried a large metal jug filled with water . She was leading by the hand a small , closely - shaven Tartar boy , who wore nothing but a shirt ; and as she went along balancing herself , the muscles of her back quivered . This woman carried the water into the hut , and , soon after , the red - bearded Tartar of yesterday came out dressed in a silk tunic , with a silver - hilted dagger hanging by his side , shoes on his bare feet , and a tall black sheepskin cap set far back on his head . He came out , stretched himself , and stroked his red beard . He stood awhile , gave an order to his servant , and went away . Then two lads rode past from watering their horses . The horses ' noses were wet . Some other closely - shaven boys ran out , without any trousers , and wearing nothing but their shirts . They crowded together , came to the barn , picked up a twig , and began pushing it in at the chink . Zhílin gave a shout , and the boys shrieked and scampered off , their little bare knees gleaming as they ran . Then he heard some one unlocking the barn . The red - bearded Tartar entered , and with him was another , a smaller man , dark , with bright black eyes , red cheeks , and a short beard . He had a merry face , and was always laughing . This man was even more richly dressed than the other . He wore a blue silk tunic trimmed with gold , a large silver dagger in his belt , red morocco slippers worked with silver , and over these a pair of thick shoes , and he had a white sheepskin cap on his head . The red - bearded Tartar entered , muttered something as if he were annoyed , and stood leaning against the doorpost , playing with his dagger , and glaring askance at Zhílin , like a wolf . The dark one , quick and lively , and moving as if on springs , came straight up to Zhílin , squatted down in front of him , slapped him on the shoulder , and began to talk very fast in his own language . His teeth showed , and he kept winking , clicking his tongue , and repeating , ' Good Russ , good Russ . ' A little girl came running in : she was about thirteen , slight , thin , and like the dark Tartar in face . Evidently she was his daughter . She , too , had clear black eyes , and her face was good - looking . She had on a long blue gown with wide sleeves , and no girdle . The hem of her gown , the front , and the sleeves , were trimmed with red . She wore trousers and slippers , and over the slippers stouter shoes with high heels . Round her neck she had a necklace made of Russian silver coins . She was bareheaded , and her black hair was plaited with a ribbon and ornamented with gilt braid and silver coins . When Zhílin handed the empty jug back to her , she gave such a sudden jump back , like a wild goat , that it made her father laugh . He sent her away for something else . She took the jug , ran out , and brought back some unleavened bread on a round board , and once more sat down , crouching , and looking on with staring eyes . Zhílin followed the Nógay , but limped , for the shackles dragged his feet so that he could hardly step at all . On getting out of the barn he saw a Tartar village of about ten houses , and a Tartar church with a small tower . Three horses stood saddled before one of the houses ; little boys were holding them by the reins . The dark Tartar came out of this house , beckoning with his hand for Zhílin to follow him . Then he laughed , said something in his own language , and returned into the house . Zhílin entered . The room was a good one : the walls smoothly plastered with clay . Near the front wall lay a pile of bright - coloured feather beds ; the side walls were covered with rich carpets used as hangings , and on these were fastened guns , pistols and swords , all inlaid with silver . Close to one of the walls was a small stove on a level with the earthen floor . The floor itself was as clean as a thrashing - ground . A large space in one corner was spread over with felt , on which were rugs , and on these rugs were cushions stuffed with down . And on these cushions sat five Tartars , the dark one , the red - haired one , and three guests . They were wearing their indoor slippers , and each had a cushion behind his back . Before them were standing millet cakes on a round board , melted butter in a bowl , and a jug of buza , or Tartar beer . They ate both cakes and butter with their hands . The Tartars ate as much as they wanted , and a woman dressed in the same way as the girl - in a long gown and trousers , with a kerchief on her head - came and took away what was left , and brought a handsome basin , and an ewer with a narrow spout . The Tartars washed their hands , folded them , went down on their knees , blew to the four quarters , and said their prayers . After they had talked for a while , one of the guests turned to Zhílin and began to speak in Russian . ' You were captured by Kazi - Mohammed , ' he said , and pointed at the red - bearded Tartar . ' And Kazi - Mohammed has given you to Abdul Murat , ' pointing at the dark one . ' Abdul Murat is now your master . ' Zhílin considered , and said , ' Five hundred roubles . ' At this the Tartars began speaking very quickly , all together . Abdul began to shout at the red - bearded one , and jabbered so fast that the spittle spurted out of his mouth . The red - bearded one only screwed up his eyes and clicked his tongue . They quietened down after a while , and the interpreter said , ' Five hundred roubles is not enough for the master . He paid two hundred for you himself . Kazi - Mohammed was in debt to him , and he took you in payment . Three thousand roubles ! Less than that won 't do . If you refuse to write , you will be put into a pit and flogged with a whip ! ' They jabbered for a long time , and then the dark man jumped up , came to Zhílin , and said : ' Dzhigit Russ , dzhigit Russ ! ' ( Dzhigit in their language means ' brave . ' ) And he laughed , and said something to the interpreter , who translated : ' One thousand roubles will satisfy him . ' Zhílin gasped with surprise : it was Kostílin . He , too , had been taken . They were put side by side , and began to tell each other what had occurred . While they talked , the Tartars looked on in silence . Zhílin related what had happened to him ; and Kostílin told how his horse had stopped , his gun missed fire , and this same Abdul had overtaken and captured him . Zhílin replied : ' My comrade can do as he likes ; maybe he is rich , I am not . It must be as I said . Kill me , if you like - you will gain nothing by it ; but I will not write for more than five hundred roubles . ' They were silent . Suddenly up sprang Abdul , brought a little box , took out a pen , ink , and a bit of paper , gave them to Zhílin , slapped him on the shoulder , and made a sign that he should write . He had agreed to take five hundred roubles . ' Wait a bit ! ' said Zhílin to the interpreter ; ' tell him that he must feed us properly , give us proper clothes and boots , and let us be together . It will be more cheerful for us . And he must have these shackles taken off our feet , ' and Zhílin looked at his master and laughed . The master also laughed , heard the interpreter , and said : ' I will give them the best of clothes : a cloak and boots fit to be married in . I will feed them like princes ; and if they like they can live together in the barn . But I can 't take off the shackles , or they will run away . They shall be taken off , however , at night . ' And he jumped up and slapped Zhílin on the shoulder , exclaiming : ' You good , I good ! ' Zhílin and his friend lived in this way for a whole month . The master always laughed and said : ' You , Iván , good ! I , Abdul , good ! ' But he fed them badly , giving them nothing but unleavened bread of millet - flour baked into flat cakes , or sometimes only unbaked dough . Zhílin knew his letter would reach no one , and he did not write another . He thought : ' Where could my mother get enough money to ransom me ? As it is she lived chiefly on what I sent her . If she had to raise five hundred roubles , she would be quite ruined . With God 's help I 'll manage to escape ! ' Once he modelled a doll with a nose and hands and feet and with a Tartar gown on , and put it up on the roof . When the Tartar women came out to fetch water , the master 's daughter , Dina , saw the doll and called the women , who put down their jugs and stood looking and laughing . Zhílin took down the doll and held it out to them . They laughed , but dared not take it . He put down the doll and went into the barn , waiting to see what would happen . In the morning , at daybreak , he looked out . Dina came out of the house and sat down on the threshold with the doll , which she had dressed up in bits of red stuff , and she rocked it like a baby , singing a Tartar lullaby . An old woman came out and scolded her , and snatching the doll away she broke it to bits , and sent Dina about her business . ' What pleases her so ? ' wondered Zhílin . He took the jug thinking it was water , but it turned out to be milk . He drank the milk and said : ' That 's good ! ' How pleased Dina was ! ' Good , Iván , good ! ' said she , and she jumped up and clapped her hands . Then , seizing the jug , she ran away . After that , she stealthily brought him some milk every day . The Tartars make a kind of cheese out of goat 's milk , which they dry on the roofs of their houses ; and sometimes , on the sly , she brought him some of this cheese . And once , when Abdul had killed a sheep , she brought Zhílin a bit of mutton in her sleeve . She would just throw the things down and run away . One day there was a heavy storm , and the rain fell in torrents for a whole hour . All the streams became turbid . At the ford , the water rose till it was seven feet high , and the current was so strong that it rolled the stones about . Rivulets flowed everywhere , and the rumbling in the hills never ceased . When the storm was over , the water ran in streams down the village street . Zhílin got his master to lend him a knife , and with it he shaped a small cylinder , and cutting some little boards , he made a wheel to which he fixed two dolls , one on each side . The little girls brought him some bits of stuff , and he dressed the dolls , one as a peasant , the other as a peasant woman . Then he fastened them in their places , and set the wheel so that the stream should work it . The wheel began to turn and the dolls danced . The master was delighted , and made him a present of one of his old tunics which was all in holes . Zhílin had to accept it . He could , at any rate , use it as a coverlet at night . Zhílin began to pick up their language a little , and some of the Tartars grew familiar with him . When they wanted him , they would call : ' Iván ! Iván ! ' Others , however , still looked at him askance , as at a wild beast . The red - bearded Tartar disliked Zhílin . Whenever he saw him he frowned and turned away , or swore at him . There was also an old man there who did not live in the Aoul , but used to come up from the foot of the hill . Zhílin only saw him when he passed on his way to the Mosque . He was short , and had a white cloth wound round his hat . His beard and moustaches were clipped , and white as snow ; and his face was wrinkled and brick - red . His nose was hooked like a hawk 's , his grey eyes looked cruel , and he had no teeth except two tusks . He would pass , with his turban on his head , leaning on his staff , and glaring round him like a wolf . If he saw Zhílin he would snort with anger and turn away . Once Zhílin descended the hill to see where the old man lived . He went down along the pathway and came to a little garden surrounded by a stone wall ; and behind the wall he saw cherry and apricot trees , and a hut with a flat roof . He came closer , and saw hives made of plaited straw , and bees flying about and humming . The old man was kneeling , busy doing something with a hive . Zhílin stretched to look , and his shackles rattled . The old man turned round , and , giving a yell , snatched a pistol from his belt and shot at Zhílin , who just managed to shelter himself behind the stone wall . ' He is a great man ! ' said the master . ' He was the bravest of our fellows ; he killed many Russians , and was at one time very rich . He had three wives and eight sons , and they all lived in one village . Then the Russians came and destroyed the village , and killed seven of his sons . Only one son was left , and he gave himself up to the Russians . The old man also went and gave himself up , and lived among the Russians for three months . At the end of that time he found his son , killed him with his own hands , and then escaped . After that he left off fighting , and went to Mecca to pray to God ; that is why he wears a turban . One who has been to Mecca is called " Hadji , " and wears a turban . He does not like you fellows . He tells me to kill you . But I can 't kill you . I have paid money for you and , besides , I have grown fond of you , Iván . Far from killing you , I would not even let you go if I had not promised . ' And he laughed , saying in Russian , ' You , Iván , good ; I , Abdul , good ! ' Zhílin lived in this way for a month . During the day he sauntered about the Aoul or busied himself with some handicraft , but at night , when all was silent in the Aoul , he dug at the floor of the barn . It was no easy task digging , because of the stones ; but he worked away at them with his file , and at last had made a hole under the wall large enough to get through . So he chose a day when the master was away from home , and set off after dinner to climb the hill beyond the village , and to look around . But before leaving home the master always gave orders to his son to watch Zhílin , and not to lose sight of him . So the lad ran after Zhílin , shouting : ' Don 't go ! Father does not allow it . I 'll call the neighbours if you won 't come back . ' Zhílin tried to persuade him , and said : ' I 'm not going far ; I only want to climb that hill . I want to find a herb - to cure sick people with . You come with me if you like . How can I run away with these shackles on ? To - morrow I 'll make a bow and arrows for you . ' So he persuaded the lad , and they went . To look at the hill , it did not seem far to the top ; but it was hard walking with shackles on his leg . Zhílin went on and on , but it was all he could do to reach the top . There he sat down and noted how the land lay . To the south , beyond the barn , was a valley in which a herd of horses was pasturing and at the bottom of the valley one could see another Aoul . Beyond that was a still steeper hill , and another hill beyond that . Between the hills , in the blue distance , were forests , and still further off were mountains , rising higher and higher . The highest of them were covered with snow , white as sugar ; and one snowy peak towered above all the rest . To the east and to the west were other such hills , and here and there smoke rose from Aouls in the ravines . ' Ah , ' thought he , ' all that is Tartar country . ' And he turned towards the Russian side . At his feet he saw a river , and the Aoul he lived in , surrounded by little gardens . He could see women , like tiny dolls , sitting by the river rinsing clothes . Beyond the Aoul was a hill , lower than the one to the south , and beyond it two other hills well wooded ; and between these , a smooth bluish plain , and far , far across the plain something that looked like a cloud of smoke . Zhílin tried to remember where the sun used to rise and set when he was living in the fort , and he saw that there was no mistake : the Russian fort must be in that plain . Between those two hills he would have to make his way when he escaped . The sun was beginning to set . The white , snowy mountains turned red , and the dark hills turned darker ; mists rose from the ravine , and the valley , where he supposed the Russian fort to be , seemed on fire with the sunset glow . Zhílin looked carefully . Something seemed to be quivering in the valley like smoke from a chimney , and he felt sure the Russian fortress was there . It had grown late . The Mullah 's cry was heard . The herds were being driven home , the cows were lowing , and the lad kept saying , ' Come home ! ' But Zhílin did not feel inclined to go away . At last , however , they went back . ' Well , ' thought Zhílin , ' now that I know the way , it is time to escape . ' He thought of running away that night . The nights were dark - the moon had waned . But as ill - luck would have it , the Tartars returned home that evening . They generally came back driving cattle before them and in good spirits . But this time they had no cattle . All they brought home was the dead body of a Tartar - the red one 's brother - who had been killed . They came back looking sullen , and they all gathered together for the burial . Zhílin also came out to see it . They wrapped the body in a piece of linen , without any coffin , and carried it out of the village , and laid it on the grass under some plane - trees . The Mullah and the old men came . They wound clothes round their caps , took off their shoes , and squatted on their heels , side by side , near the corpse . The Mullah was in front : behind him in a row were three old men in turbans , and behind them again the other Tartars . All cast down their eyes and sat in silence . This continued a long time , until the Mullah raised his head and said : ' Allah ! ' ( which means God ) . He said that one word , and they all cast down their eyes again , and were again silent for a long time . They sat quite still , not moving or making any sound . The dead body lay immovable on the grass , and they sat as still as if they too were dead . Not one of them moved . There was no sound but that of the leaves of the plane - trees stirring in the breeze . Then the Mullah repeated a prayer , and they all rose . They lifted the body and carried it in their arms to a hole in the ground . It was not an ordinary hole , but was hollowed out under the ground like a vault . They took the body under the arms and by the legs , bent it , and let it gently down , pushing it under the earth in a sitting posture , with the hands folded in front . The next morning Zhílin saw the red Tartar , followed by three others , leading a mare out of the village . When they were beyond the village , the red - bearded Tartar took off his tunic and turned up his sleeves , showing his stout arms . Then he drew a dagger and sharpened it on a whetstone . The other Tartars raised the mare 's head , and he cut her throat , threw her down , and began skinning her , loosening the hide with his big hands . Women and girls came and began to wash the entrails and the inwards . The mare was cut up , the pieces taken into the hut , and the whole village collected at the red Tartar 's hut for a funeral feast . For three days they went on eating the flesh of the mare , drinking buza , and praying for the dead man . All the Tartars were at home . On the fourth day at dinner - time Zhílin saw them preparing to go away . Horses were brought out , they got ready , and some ten of them ( the red one among them ) rode away ; but Abdul stayed at home . It was new moon , and the nights were still dark . ' If we can 't , ' said Zhílin , ' we 'll sleep in the forest . See here , I have saved some cheeses . What 's the good of sitting and moping here ? If they send your ransom - well and good ; but suppose they don 't manage to collect it ? The Tartars are angry now , because the Russians have killed one of their men . They are talking of killing us . ' As soon as all was quiet , Zhílin crept under the wall , got out , and whispered to Kostílin , ' Come ! ' Kostílin crept out , but in so doing he caught a stone with his foot and made a noise . The master had a very vicious watch - dog , a spotted one called Oulyashin . Zhílin had been careful to feed him for some time before . Oulyashin heard the noise and began to bark and jump , and the other dogs did the same . Zhílin gave a slight whistle , and threw him a bit of cheese . Oulyashin knew Zhílin , wagged his tail , and stopped barking . They sat hidden behind a corner for awhile . All became silent again , only a sheep coughed inside a shed , and the water rippled over the stones in the hollow . It was dark , the stars were high overhead , and the new moon showed red as it set , horns upward , behind the hill . In the valleys the fog was white as milk . They started ; but they had only gone a few steps when they heard the Mullah crying from the roof , ' Allah , Beshmillah ! Ilrahman ! ' That meant that the people would be going to the Mosque . So they sat down again , hiding behind a wall , and waited a long time till the people had passed . At last all was quiet again . ' Now then ! May God be with us ! ' They crossed themselves , and started once more . They passed through a yard and went down the hillside to the river , crossed the river , and went along the valley . The mist was thick , but only near the ground ; overhead the stars shone quite brightly . Zhílin directed their course by the stars . It was cool in the mist , and easy walking , only their boots were uncomfortable , being worn out and trodden down . Zhílin took his off , threw them away , and went barefoot , jumping from stone to stone , and guiding his course by the stars . Kostílin began to lag behind . Kostílin went barefoot , but got on still worse . The stones cut his feet , and he kept lagging behind . Zhílin said : ' If your feet get cut , they 'll heal again ; but if the Tartars catch us and kill us , it will be worse ! ' Their way lay through the valley for a long time . Then , to the right , they heard dogs barking . Zhílin stopped , looked about , and began climbing the hill , feeling with his hands . ' Ah ! ' said he , ' we have gone wrong , and have come too far to the right . Here is another Aoul , one I saw from the hill . We must turn back and go up that hill to the left . There must be a wood there . ' They went up the hill and found a wood as Zhílin had said . They entered the wood and forced their way through the brambles , which tore their clothes . At last they came to a path and followed it . ' Stop ! ' They heard the tramp of hoofs on the path , and waited , listening . It sounded like the tramping of a horse 's feet , but then ceased . They moved on , and again they heard the tramping . When they paused , it also stopped . Zhílin crept nearer to it , and saw something standing on the path where it was not quite so dark . It looked like a horse , and yet not quite like one , and on it was something queer , not like a man . He heard it snorting . ' What can it be ? ' Zhílin gave a low whistle , and off it dashed from the path into the thicket , and the woods were filled with the noise of crackling , as if a hurricane were sweeping through , breaking the branches . Kostílin was so frightened that he sank to the ground . But Zhílin laughed and said : ' It 's a stag . Don 't you hear him breaking the branches with his antlers ? We were afraid of him , and he is afraid of us . ' They went on . The Great Bear was already setting . It was near morning , and they did not know whether they were going the right way or not . Zhílin thought it was the way he had been brought by the Tartars , and that they were still some seven miles from the Russian fort ; but he had nothing certain to go by , and at night one easily mistakes the way . After a time they came to a clearing . Kostílin sat down and said : ' Do as you like , I can go no farther ! My feet won 't carry me . ' Kostílin jumped up and followed . They went another three miles . The mist in the wood had settled down still more densely ; they could not see a yard before them , and the stars had grown dim . Suddenly they heard the sound of a horse 's hoofs in front of them . They heard its shoes strike the stones . Zhílin lay down flat , and listened with his ear to the ground . They ran off the path , crouched among the bushes , and waited . Zhílin crept to the road , looked , and saw a Tartar on horseback driving a cow and humming to himself . The Tartar rode past . Zhílin returned to Kostílin . ' What are you shouting for ? The Tartar is still near ; he 'll have heard you ! ' And he thought to himself , ' He is really quite done up . What am I to do with him ? It won 't do to desert a comrade . ' The Tartar must , however , really have heard Kostílin scream . Zhílin suddenly heard some one galloping behind and shouting in the Tartar tongue . He darted in among the bushes . The Tartar seized his gun and fired , but did not hit them , shouted in his own language , and galloped off along the road . ' Well , now we are lost , friend ! ' said Zhílin . ' That dog will gather the Tartars together to hunt us down . Unless we can get a couple of miles away from here we are lost ! ' And he thought to himself , ' Why the devil did I saddle myself with this block ? I should have got away long ago had I been alone . ' Again he took Kostílin on his shoulders and staggered on . They went on in that way for another half - mile or more . They were still in the forest , and could not see the end of it . But the mist was already dispersing , and clouds seemed to be gathering ; the stars were no longer to be seen . Zhílin was quite done up . They came to a spring walled in with stones by the side of the path . Zhílin stopped and set Kostílin down . They heard Tartar voices . The Tartars stopped at the very spot where they had turned off the path . The Tartars talked a bit , and then seemed to be setting a dog on the scent . There was a sound of crackling twigs , and a strange dog appeared from behind the bushes . It stopped , and began to bark . The Tartars gathered together in a circle , and the old man from the foot of the hill was also there . They began discussing ; and Zhílin heard them considering what should be done with him and Kostílin . Some said they ought to be sent farther into the mountains ; but the old man said : ' They must be killed ! ' Abdul disputed with him , saying : ' I gave money for them , and I must get ransom for them . ' But the old man said : ' They will pay you nothing , but will only bring misfortune . It is a sin to feed Russians . Kill them , and have done with it ! ' They dispersed . When they had gone , the master came up to Zhílin and said : ' If the money for your ransom is not sent within a fortnight , I will flog you ; and if you try to run away again , I 'll kill you like a dog ! Write a letter , and write properly ! ' Life was now very hard for them . Their shackles were never taken off , and they were not let out into the fresh air . Unbaked dough was thrown to them as if they were dogs , and water was let down in a can . It was wet and close in the pit , and there was a horrible stench . Kostílin grew quite ill , his body became swollen and he ached all over , and moaned or slept all the time . Zhílin , too , grew downcast ; he saw it was a bad look - out , and could think of no way of escape . He was sitting on the floor of the pit one day , thinking of freedom and feeling very downhearted , when suddenly a cake fell into his lap , then another , and then a shower of cherries . He looked up , and there was Dina . She looked at him , laughed , and ran away . And Zhílin thought : ' Might not Dina help me ? ' But Dina did not come next day . Zhílin heard the tramp of horses ; some men rode past , and the Tartars gathered in council near the Mosque . They shouted and argued ; the word ' Russians ' was repeated several times . He could hear the voice of the old man . Though he could not distinguish what was said , he guessed that Russian troops were somewhere near , and that the Tartars , afraid they might come into the Aoul , did not know what to do with their prisoners . After talking awhile , they went away . Suddenly he heard a rustling overhead , and saw Dina crouching at the edge of the pit , her knees higher than her head , and bending over so that the coins of her plait dangled above the pit . Her eyes gleamed like stars . She drew two cheeses out of her sleeve and threw them to him . Zhílin took them and said , ' Why did you not come before ? I have made some toys for you . Here , catch ! ' And he began throwing the toys up , one by one . ' I don 't want any , ' she said . She sat silent for awhile , and then went on , ' Iván , they want to kill you ! ' And she pointed to her own throat . So when evening came Zhílin still sat looking up now and then , and wondering what would happen . The stars were there , but the moon had not yet risen . The Mullah 's voice was heard ; then all was silent . Zhílin was beginning to doze , thinking : ' The girl will be afraid to do it ! ' Suddenly he felt clay falling on his head . He looked up , and saw a long pole poking into the opposite wall of the pit . It kept poking about for a time , and then it came down , sliding into the pit . Zhílin was glad indeed . He took hold of it and lowered it . It was a strong pole , one that he had seen before on the roof of his master 's hut . He looked up . The stars were shining high in the sky , and just above the pit Dina 's eyes gleamed in the dark like a cat 's . She stooped with her face close to the edge of the pit , and whispered , ' Iván ! Iván ! ' waving her hand in front of her face to show that he should speak low . ' Well , good - bye , then ! Don 't think ill of me ! ' and they kissed each other . Zhílin seized the pole , told Dina to hold on , and began to climb . He slipped once or twice ; the shackles hindered him . Kostílin helped him , and he managed to get to the top . Dina , with her little hands , pulled with all her might at his shirt , laughing . She dragged the pole away , and Zhílin went down the hill . When he had gone down the steep incline , he took a sharp stone and tried to wrench the lock off the shackles . But it was a strong lock and he could not manage to break it , and besides , it was difficult to get at . Then he heard some one running down the hill , springing lightly . He thought : ' Surely , that 's Dina again . ' She knelt down and tried to wrench the lock off , but her little hands were as slender as little twigs , and she had not the strength . She threw the stone away and began to cry . Then Zhílin set to work again at the lock , and Dina squatted beside him with her hand on his shoulder . Zhílin looked round and saw a red light to the left behind the hill . The moon was just rising . ' Ah ! ' he thought , ' before the moon has risen I must have passed the valley and be in the forest . ' So he rose and threw away the stone . Shackles or no , he must go on . Zhílin crossed himself , took the lock of his shackles in his hand to prevent its clattering , and went along the road , dragging his shackled leg , and looking towards the place where the moon was about to rise . He now knew the way . If he went straight he would have to walk nearly six miles . If only he could reach the wood before the moon had quite risen ! He crossed the river ; the light behind the hill was growing whiter . Still looking at it , he went along the valley . The moon was not yet visible . The light became brighter , and one side of the valley was growing lighter and lighter , and shadows were drawing in towards the foot of the hill , creeping nearer and nearer to him . Zhílin went on , keeping in the shade . He was hurrying , but the moon was moving still faster ; the tops of the hills on the right were already lit up . As he got near the wood the white moon appeared from behind the hills , and it became light as day . One could see all the leaves on the trees . It was light on the hill , but silent , as if nothing were alive ; no sound could be heard but the gurgling of the river below . He rested , and ate one of the cheeses . Then he found a stone and set to work again to knock off the shackles . He knocked his hands sore , but could not break the lock . He rose and went along the road . After walking the greater part of a mile he was quite done up , and his feet were aching . He had to stop every ten steps . ' There is nothing else for it , ' thought he . ' I must drag on as long as I have any strength left . If I sit down , I shan 't be able to rise again . I can 't reach the fortress ; but when day breaks I 'll lie down in the forest , remain there all day , and go on again at night . ' The moon began to grow paler , the dew to fall . It was getting near dawn , and Zhílin had not reached the end of the forest . ' Well , ' thought he , ' I 'll walk another thirty steps , and then turn in among the trees and sit down . ' He walked another thirty steps , and saw that he was at the end of the forest . He went to the edge ; it was now quite light , and straight before him was the plain and the fortress . To the left , quite close at the foot of the slope , a fire was dying out , and the smoke from it spread round . There were men gathered about the fire . Zhílin was filled with joy . He collected his remaining strength and set off down the hill , saying to himself : ' God forbid that any mounted Tartar should see me now , in the open field ! Near as I am , I could not get there in time . ' They saw him also and made a rush . His heart sank . He waved his hands , and shouted with all his might , ' Brothers , brothers ! Help ! ' The Cossacks heard him , and a party of them on horseback darted to cut across the Tartars ' path . The Cossacks were far and the Tartars were near ; but Zhílin , too , made a last effort . Lifting the shackles with his hand , he ran towards the Cossacks , hardly knowing what he was doing , crossing himself and shouting , ' Brothers ! Brothers ! Brothers ! ' So he went on serving in the Caucasus . A month passed before Kostílin was released , after paying five thousand roubles ransom . He was almost dead when they brought him back .

The O bus is always full of characters . It travels the length of Broadway , which is a major North / South road that runs from downtown to Highlands Ranch , and is full of Mom and Pop stores , bars , restaurants , antique stores and marijuana dispensaries . I was on the last leg of my journey home , and watched as the regulars boarded the O at the Englewood station . First came the young man I call the Thug . He 's about 25 and wears baggy shorts , a funky ball cap askew on his head and walks the gangsta walk . Actually he has a legitimate reason for the walk , since he wears a knee brace that actually hinders his stride . Next came a middle - aged man who walks with a cane . I call him Grimace , because he always has a look of pain on his face . I can 't tell if he 's genuinely in pain or just has a scowl about him . They both took a seat at the front of the bus . Then Construction Guy got on the bus . He 's tall and about my age , and always has his orange construction vest on , shorts and dirty work boots that come just high enough up his ankles to allow room for his electronic monitoring anklet . He never smiles or acknowledges anyone when he gets on , and heads directly to the back of the bus . We all settled into our usual seats , and politely ignored each other . A few stops down the road a young man got on , early twenties I 'd say , and very , very buff . The kind of buff that not only shows muscles , but muscles on top of those muscles . He was carrying a case of water and as the bus began to move he grabbed onto the bar by the front seats , dropping his water and bumping into Grimace . He didn 't apologize , and as the bus went down the road he opted to keep standing right in front of Grimace , periodically bumping his legs . Grimace finally asked him to take a seat , and the young man bent down and got right in his face and placed one finger in front of his lips and made the " Shhhhhh … " motion to Grimace . The thug sat up a little straighter and Grimace 's eyes squinted . I could feel the level of testosterone quickly rising . Grimace stared at Buff Guy , and the driver encouraged him to sit down . Without breaking eye contact , he took the seat across from Grimace , and again made the " shhhh . . " motion . I was already sitting two rows back from the two , but at this point two other women sitting in the front got up and moved to the back , and a couple with a young child got off at the next stop . I checked both of them out to see if there was any sign of a gun , and was pretty sure they didn 't have one , so I rode it out . The tension continued for another couple of stops , then Grimace pulled the cord signaling he needed the next stop . As soon as he pulled the cord , Buff Guy stood up as if he were also exiting the bus , and stood in front of the door waiting to get off . But when the bus stopped and Grimace got up to leave , Buff Guy just stood in front of the doorway , blocking his exit . Of course Grimace just pushed into him , trying to force him down the stairs of the bus . Buff Guy braced himself and didn 't budge . The Thug got up and threw his weight into Buff Guy as well , and a full on scuffle began . Buff Guy against the two handicapped men . The bus driver stood up to help , and suddenly Construction Guy came running from the back of the bus to offer his assistance . He realized Buff Guy couldn 't be reached from there , so he came to the back door of the bus and got off , then went around to the front and pulled Buff Guy down the stairs and out of the bus . Of course Buff Guy tried to run back onto the bus , and as Grimace and the Thug made it off the bus , it looked as if they were going to go to blows . But the bus driver and Construction Guy held them apart , and the driver pointed out that Buff Guy probably didn 't want to go to jail for assaulting two guys with handicaps . Buff Guy argued , but Construction Guy got in his face and reinforced the bus driver 's sentiment . " They 're handicapped for hell 's sake ! He wears a cane and he has a leg brace ! " That seemed to snap Buff Guy out of it a bit , and reluctantly he hung his head and got back onto the bus . The driver and Construction Guy made sure Grimace and the Thug were okay , then they got back on the bus . Construction Guy sat next to Buff Guy and made sure he minded his manners until he got off the bus a few stops down . So here 's the kicker . Buff Guy was wearing a T - shirt from some anti - violence youth campaign with a slogan printed on the back . " Hearts not Hands . Make good choices . " One of the great benefits of riding the bus is the chance to read a book , daydream , listen to music or just generally get inside your head . The regional buses are pretty good for napping as well , which I usually do as I listen to music on the way to Longmont every Monday to see Jessica and Petra . The humming of the tires and the swaying of the bus can have a hypnotic effect , and it 's not uncommon to be so engrossed in relaxing that you miss your stop . It 's not a matter of if this will happen , but a matter of when . There 's a physical reaction that occurs when a stop is missed , and it 's pretty easy to spot the symptoms before the rider actually speaks out , which they always do , usually in the form of some kind of curse words . It must be some kind of muscle memory , because our bodies sense that we have traveled too far , and sends a message to our brain . The first sign a rider has missed their stop is the look of confusion as they lift their head from their book or take their earphones out . They look around the bus , then they lean over to look through the windows at the surroundings passing by . They they look to the front of the bus at the bus number and the next stop that is displayed on a lighted screen . It ultimately ends with a desperate look to fellow passengers , and the question of " where are we ? " At that point , the bus comes alive with suggestions of back - up plans . Which bus to take at the next stop , whether to ride on and wait for a turnaround , or sometimes the bus driver just stops at an unauthorized spot to let the traveler off . I once had a driver on the 27 bus who knew we would be going through a detour , but none of us did . When she left the station and turned the wrong direction , all of us reacted the same way , and as she looked in her mirror at her bus full of panicked faces , she laughed and laughed . Last week as we were nearing my stop on the L bus in Longmont , I noticed the driver was not in the left - hand turning lane , which took us the two blocks over to my stop . I figured he was taking a detour , as he had done earlier to get us through some construction . As we traveled through the light , all the passengers looked up and took notice . We looked at each other questioningly as the driver drove farther from our stop . " Aren 't we supposed to turn here ? " One asked . " I thought so , maybe we 're on a detour . " Offered another . We went another several blocks before the lady in front of me finally spoke out . " Driver , weren 't we supposed to turn there ? " Halfway through her sentence the driver let fly a cuss word . The look on his face was the same , well known look of passengers who had gotten so absorbed in their thoughts they forgot to get off the bus . He quickly pulled into the left turn lane and headed back toward our stop , apologizing all the way . " Music . " He named a specific song that I was not familiar with . " I played it for my teenager the other night and he wasn 't impressed . I was trying to figure out if I played it wrong , or if I could do it better . " He apologized again as we neared our stop . It was another scorching day in Denver . Thankfully I spent the day inside the air - conditioned donation center , and reluctantly left the cool comfort to begin my journey home for the day . The temperatures had come down a little as the clouds rolled in , and I was enjoying the change as I stood on Monaco waiting for the 65 bus . Clad in shorts and a tank top , I began to worry a little as the clouds got darker and the bus officially became late . Summer storms can roll in quickly , and I cursed myself for having switched bags and not putting my rain jacket in the bag I was now carrying . As the first rain drop fell it became a race against time . If the bus showed up immediately , I would still have time to make it to the Hampden light rail station , where there was a tunnel and shelter from the rain . A young girl with big hair joined me under the tree as we waited for the bus , and just as the rain began to really fall we saw the bus pulling up to the light . Less than a quarter mile down the road the rain turned to hail , and within a half mile the hail was the size of my thumb . The pounding on the top of the bus sounded like the ice balls would come right through , and outside the scene was a white out , but with hail so thick we couldn 't see . The hail grew bigger and bigger , and the bus driver began pulling over to pick people up who were not waiting at the bus stop , but were just trying to get out of the brutal hail . One woman was dressed only in a small sun dress , and when we stopped for her she was crying and nearly hysterical . We stopped to pick up two women , one older and one with special needs . They had several suitcases and a rolling cart . As soon as the driver opened the doors two male passengers jumped off the bus and rushed out into the storm to help the women with their luggage . The sound was unlike anything I had ever heard before , and as a collective people we were all stunned and unsure of what to do as we pulled into the station . Other travelers boarded with looks of fear and dismay , and one gentleman was rubbing his shoulder where the hail had hit him . We all had a hard decision to make . Should we get off the bus ? Or just stay on it and keep riding around until it stopped . Myself and another young man decided to make a run for it . We had a few yards of open space , then down two flights of stairs , and at the bottom was a tunnel where we could take refuge to wait for the train . He looked at me and I looked at him and together we ran off the bus . And Holy Hail ! The first few seconds were not that bad , but then I felt the chunks of ice hit my shoulders and the back of my legs . It was a searing hot pain where they hit , and some of them were jagged so I was sure they were tearing through my flesh . Halfway down the stairs I regretted my decision . As I hit the bottom of the stairs and the entryway to the tunnel , it was like a scene out of a horror show . Dozens of people were standing just inside the tunnel , ankle deep in water and hail . They encouraged us as we ran toward them , and the masses parted to let the newest refugees into the space of safety . Some of them had looks of sympathy for us on their faces , while others clearly thought we were fools . An older man offered me his handkerchief to dry off with , and as I wiped down my arms I noticed huge red welts where I had been hit . Others gathered around to tend to our wounds , or more accurately to see the damage . We huddled in the tunnel as the carnage continued above us , the sound was so loud we couldn 't hear each other speak . Body language was all we had to communicate . I saw young men helping the elderly people , and business men huddling with the families and little children . Two people had taken up post at the top of the stairs , and hollered down to us below whenever a train came along . As soon as they announced the E line to Lincoln was pulling up , myself and dozens of others ran up the stairs to board the train . Once again safe and moving in the direction of home , we laughed and shared our horror stories with those on the train . Despite the welts and one small scrape on my leg , it was a great experience to see my fellow humans come together , especially after all the violence that has occurred in the world lately . There was no race , sex or age in that tunnel . There were only people . People being beaten and held hostage by hail . It is a common occurrence when venturing to downtown Denver to be repeatedly asked for money by panhandlers . When I lived downtown the first person who asked me usually ended up with the little change I had in my pocket . I used to write profiles of homeless people who were vendors for the Denver Voice newspaper , so I have come to not judge anyone , since many of their circumstances were tragic and unavoidable . There are of course always a few youngsters who are clearly on the streets because they can 't be bothered to get a job , or are living " free " like America promised them . This day was no different . I was headed to Longmont to spend the day with Jess and Petra , and boarded the free mall shuttle to take me to Union Station , where I would catch the L bus . The shuttle has a row of seats that run along the back , allowing riders to look toward the front of the shuttle . I took a seat near the back , but along the side , and made myself comfortable . Shortly into the ride , an older man who was sitting in the back seat , looked directly at me and I prepared myself for my defensive response . The problem was I DID have something to eat . I had a whole lunch bag full of homemade pizza with chicken and artichoke toppings . I had an entire baggy full of fresh grapes , and I had a couple of cookies and a yogurt . I had plenty of food , and it certainly wasn 't the only food I would have access to that day . I felt horrible . I watched as he lowered his head to his chest and appeared to fall asleep . He hadn 't asked me for cash . He had only asked me for the most basic of human needs - food . I tried to remember the last time I was hungry . It was a few weeks ago , and I was certain I would faint doing the most mundane tasks around the house if I went another moment without food . I wondered if sleeping abated the pains of an empty stomach , as I watched him and fought back tears . His clothes were mostly clean , as well as his gray hair and face . He didn 't appear to be homeless , perhaps he was just hungry . Even after these thoughts , I am ashamed to admit that I still debated at all whether or not to give him some food . I thought about what I was willing to part with . The pizza was not that great , but was homemade and looked impressive . The grapes are natural fruit , so that seemed like the best idea . The yogurt and cookies I intended to share with Petra so I ruled them out . I continued to watch him until we were two stops away from Union Station . Sad and ashamed , I moved into the seat next to him , and pulled the pizza out of my lunch bag . I touched his hand lightly and he lifted his head , opened his eyes and looked at me . They were the watery , cloudy eyes of an old man , like those of my grandfather . I fought back tears and tried not to think about what circumstances had brought this man to the point of asking for food from strangers . " Thank you , it looks really good . " He took a bite and looked at me with those watery eyes , and praised me as if I had just served him some filet mignon . I was a fine cook , he said , in between bites , which he truly savored - I like to think it was really delicious , and not just his extreme hunger that fueled his compliments . " May the bird of paradise fly up your nose , may an elephant caress you with his toes … " Those were the lyrics of a song by Little Jimmy Dickens that my parents used to listen to when I was growing up . I 've always remembered the words to this song , and as an adult I realized this song was all about Karma . And if ever there was a time to call upon Karma , this morning was it . I hiked to the bus stop on Broadway to catch the 0 bus to work , and as I approached the bus shelter I saw a man I have come to refer to as our local Camper . He 's older , and sleeps along the canal road in a small shelter he made for himself out of branches and logs . He 's always been respectful when our paths cross . He 's never asked for money , and is always up early to break his camp and get on the road . Usually I see him tramping up Broadway with his backpack , I suspect heading nowhere in particular . Occasionally he was at the bus shelter before I arrived , and was always courteous as I approached . If he was smoking a cigarette , he would step around the back of the shelter so I wouldn 't have to smell it . If not , he would stand up and move out of the shelter , insisting I take the seat to wait for the bus . He never spoke , but I got an occasional grunt and nod in response to my greeting . Today he was standing next to the shelter , and two young men were sitting on the bench inside the shelter . I greeted the camper as I approached , and he nodded silently . He seemed out of sorts , at least as out of sorts as a stranger can be . I noticed immediately that the two young men also appeared to be homeless - their several layers of clothes were filthy , as were their hands and the white plastic bags that held their belongings . They sat on the bench inside the shelter , smoking cigarettes and talking . Their conversation was laced with expletives , and they acted as if they hadn 't noticed my arrival . I wondered how , and why the Camper came to be hanging out with these two . Clearly they were not of the same caliber of people he was . The Camper seemed frustrated and a little embarrassed at the behavior of his two friends , and avoided making any eye contact with me . I stood to the other side of the shelter , trying to avoid the cigarette smoke , vulgar conversation and general stink of these two youngsters . When the bus arrived , however , the Camper stood up and took the front of the line , they motioned for me to get on first . I thanked him , paid my fare and took a seat near the front . The stinky young men flashed their transfers and headed to the back of the bus , where they continued their awful interaction . I was glad they hurried to the back and hopefully , after putting on my headphones , I wouldn 't have to listen to them anymore . After fishing my headphones out of my bag , I looked up to see the driver and the Camper in a discussion . The Camper 's eyes narrowed , and he hollered at the two men in the back of the bus . " Hey man , I need that transfer you promised . " That explained a lot . He was hanging with them because they promised him a free bus ride , probably downtown to a food bank or shelter where he could get something to eat . I suspect he traded cigarettes for the promise . Downtown was a good five or six mile walk . I couldn 't fault him for that exchange . " Dude , sorry . We only have one for two of us . " The two laughed at having fooled the old man . The Camper 's eyes glowed with rage , and I could tell he would love to get them alone in a dark alley . And I kind of hoped he would someday . He couldn 't mask the shame he must have felt , as everyone on the bus looked at him , knowing he would be put off the bus because of lack of fare . The pride on his face at that moment reminded me of my father . A man who was proud of who he was , regardless of circumstance . " I 'll pay this fare . " I said . The Camper looked me directly in the eyes and gave me a slight nod . I don 't know which was harder for him to accept - being duped by a couple of stinky bums , or having to accept my help . I smiled at him and hoped he would go directly to the back of the bus and confront the little snots , as their laughing had died down when they realized he would be riding the bus with them after all . But he didn 't . He took the first seat at the front of the bus , placed his backpack at his feet , and silently faced the front . I , however , invoked the power of Karma . " May the bird of paradise fly up your snotty , stinky , horrible little noses . I watched the man as I waited patiently for the L bus to bring me home from an overnight visit with Jessica in Longmont . Being a conscientious commuter , I sat on the bench in front of the designated loading spot for the bus . The man was large , looked to be about 30 or so , and paced back and forth behind the bus stop shelter . I watched him out of the corner of my eye , waiting for him to swoop in when the bus pulled up and butt in line . I really am a stickler for bus protocol , and it really angers me when people just strut all around the bus stop , then jump in front of those who patiently waited in line . The man eventually tired of pacing and came to sit on the bench across from me . He was holding something very carefully in his hands . I looked closer and saw that he was cradling a small sculpture . About six inches around , it was a piece of driftwood with a tiny yellow and green ceramic bird perched on it , and was decorated with flowers and greenery . He held it as if it were made of gold , and I felt compelled to compliment him on his trinket . " Well , it makes me happy to look at so I guess it was worth it . " He smiled again and I realized he was perhaps not the sharpest tool in the shed . His clothes were clean , and he chose his words carefully , and I couldn 't help by smile myself as he told me the story of his bird . " I liked this bird because he sings . " He pushed a button and the bird 's beak began moving and his tail flitting about as a chirping sound came from the trinket . " And look , he comes off the log , so if I don 't want to take him out with this , I can just take him off and put him in my pocket . " He plucked the tiny bird off the perch to demonstrate how easily he could remove it . He stroked it lovingly before putting it back on the perch . " Yeah , there used to be a bigger bird on this stick , but I don 't like him as much so I leave him at home usually . " I raved about his bird and how pretty the set up was , and he was obviously proud of his plastic pet . After a few minutes his voice got serious . It 's that time of year again . Downtown Denver fills up for two days of partying , with streets blocked off and thousands of party - goers wandering the streets , listening to music , and drinking . Lots and lots of drinking . Whenever there 's a major event downtown , there is a huge contribution of " hot lunches " up and down the streets . Hot lunch is the term transit drivers use when someone throws up on their bus or train . " That jerk left a hot lunch on my bus / train . " Needless to say , I was not necessarily looking forward to my trip home Sunday . I had worked all day , and preferred to avoid going downtown at all , but desperately needed to check my mail and see if the maintenance guy had installed an air conditioner in my apartment yet . Jess was in Boulder so I intended to pop in , change my clothes , maybe lounge in front of the air conditioner until it cooled down , and listen to the goings - on of the revelers in the alley way . I noticed something was not quite right as I approached my neighborhood . Hundreds of people filled the streets , wandering and looking bewildered . Many of them were thoroughly drunk and jovial , so I navigated through them and into my apartment building . The problem was obvious . There was no power . Only the emergency exit lights were lit , and the air inside was stifling . Even worse in my apartment , since I have the corner with two windows . The heat was unbearable , and everyone on the street was going from bar to bar , to store , looking for someone who could serve them without power . Apparently everything is run on power , because I heard a lot of complaining from the angry drunks . I quickly changed my clothes , ditched my bike , and headed back toward the bus to work my way to the cooler temperatures of the suburbs . I made it to Colfax before the inevitable happened . Now I don 't know what it is about gay men , but on several occasions one has stopped me on the street . Today was no exception . " Oh , hey , pretty lady . You wanna come have a shot with us at X - Bar ? " The stranger was a young man , quite attractive , with a young woman with him . " Oh , you should totally come have a shot with us , " she said . I had never laid eyes on these two , but they were hell - bent on becoming my new friend . As I always do when this happens to me , which , in retrospect , is kind of a lot , I told them I was going to check things out downtown but might catch them later . " Then look for us at Vinyl . That 's where the party 's going . " They said , disappointed and thinking in their drunk minds that their new friend totally planned on showing up . I made it to Broadway before I realized the buses would be re - routed because of the road closures . I sat on the edge of the fountain at Colfax and Broadway , sipped my cold water , and pondered my choices . I try to be open - minded when it comes to LGBT communities , but I am always perplexed at Pridefest . The uniform of choice for many young men are simply their underwear and rainbow suspenders . Some get more elaborate , adding boas , chains or harnesses . But its clear that nudity , as much as is allowed by law , is the common theme for many attendees . I also spent a good amount of time trying to figure out the sex of some of the attendees . Not so I could judge them , but just so I could know . Young men look just like young women , young women look like young men , and some I genuinely have no idea what sex they were . After too much time pondering , I decided to suck it up and use a fresh transit pass , and headed for the train station . It was the path of least resistance , and as the afternoon went on the sound of more hot lunches being deposited increased . The train was full of partyers , dressed in all manner of near - nakedness . Some plump , some thin , all nationalities , all ages . It was definitely sensory overload , especially because I still couldn 't determine the sex of some of them . Maybe not having a sex is becoming a new breed of person . Why do we need to dress like one or the other ? My mind wandered . Then they got on . We all saw them as we pulled up to the station , and we all tried not to state as they boarded our car . I believe the tall one was a girl , but aside from her long , smooth legs I have no other reason to think that . I decided more he than she , so I 'll call her him / he . He was pencil - think , had multi - colored hair that hung in his face , with piercings in his nose and lip , and tattoos showing on every inch of skin that was exposed . He wore tight pants with tears all over them , and a tight rainbow shirt with buttons , pins and tears in it . In his right hand he held the end of a dog leash . Attached to the end of the least was a slightly plump young woman . The leash was connected to a collar around her neck , and they played up the scenario as they entered the train . She stood still and waited for him to tug the leash before she followed him onto the train and up to the front seat . He sat down , and she stood until he gave her the command to sit . She joined him on the seat , sitting straight and silent . He gave her a compliment and petted her head , and she relaxed into his lap . There was a suburban family sitting next to me , a mother , father and teenage son . They smiled and whispered to each other , trying to be respectful but curious about the couple . The couple had taken a seat next to two young girls , who wore short shorts and bikini tops , who , until the arrival of the others , had stolen the attention of the car by making out and grinding on each other . As soon as the other couple sat down , the young girls whispered and giggled , then got up and moved to the back of the car , leaving the odd couple alone in the front . The odd couple cuddled , and since they were facing me , I couldn 't hear what they said , but I could see their eyes . They seemed small and insignificant , at the mercy of the cruel world around them . He laid his head on her shoulder , and he suddenly seemed tired and weary . She held his head gently , bracing him up when he closed his eyes . She was his only shelter and defense from the outside world . They kissed and fondled each other inappropriately for a public place , and I couldn 't decide if they were truly tormented and ignorant of the rest of us , hiding in the dark minds of each other . Or if they were fully aware of the effect they were having on the rest of us , and were enjoying their silent F * * * You to the world they hated . The day began wonderfully . I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast with Robert , and had several errands to run downtown , but nothing super - important . I was looking forward to spending the day riding buses , trains , and having plenty of time to finish a great book I was reading . One of the benefits of being a regular public transit rider in the suburbs , is that Rocco picks me up at Robert 's house in the short bus . Rocco is the morning driver , and Ricki is the afternoon driver . They pick me up and deliver me to the light rail station , or will take me to the grocery store if I need . It 's a great service , but I usually only take advantage of it in the morning , or when I 'm carrying a lot of goods home . The rest of the time I enjoy the two mile walk from the station . Today I had to be downtown by 10 : 30 to interview a homeless man for a monthly profile for the VOICE . When Rocco arrived to pick me up the air was cool and smelled of wet , fresh grass . The sun was rising , and it was shaping up to be a hot , but beautiful day . I had a moment of spontaneous euphoria as Rocco drove to the station , windows open and the cool breeze washing over me . It was going to be a good day . Or so I thought . My interview turned out to be too time consuming and tedious . If I spend more than one hour on an interview , I end up making an hourly wage that is miniscule . The profile only entails 500 words , so a quick synopsis of their life is sufficient , mostly I need a couple of quote about selling the paper , and the point is to let readers know where to find them . It was quickly apparent that the theme of this interview was , as a man with undiagnosed bi - polar disorder , his life was disrupted and he remained homeless because he cycled through success and destruction every 4 to 6 months . I was sympathetic to his story , but he insisted on reciting EVERY detail of EVERY failure , EVERY six months of his life . I gently tried to prod him along , but he was insistent upon the details . It 's always hard for me because I do my best to respect every subject and make them feel that everything they say is of the utmost importance , but I really couldn 't afford to spend the three hours the interview was turning into . I left a little angry with myself . Both for rushing the interview , and for letting it go on too long . I scolded myself as I walked the 1 . 3 miles home to my apartment . My next point of business was to renew my discount prescription card . I had let it lapse , and I only use it for certain items , my diabetic drugs I get at another pharmacy , which was my third stop for the day . So I entered the apothecary with my 15 pages of renewal paperwork , only to be told that it would not be honored . When I first signed up for the card , they allowed me to use the receipts and paperwork until my official card came in the mail . I assumed that would be the case again . Not so . For some reason , the law is that if you let it lapse there is no leeway for renewals . Why ? I asked , that 's rather ridiculous . The young girls were sympathetic , but raised their arms in the air and made the statement , " We know it 's ridiculous . And there 's no reason for it . But it 's the law . " Frustrated I left . Mostly because there was nobody to rage against . Nobody to call and say " What the hell were you thinking ? " It seems like just another ridiculous bit of control that is exercised against us in the name of " Medical Care . " Between the never - ending interview and time spent arguing unsuccessfully , my bus transfer had expired , which meant I would have to spent another $ 2 . 25 to get to the pharmacy for my insulin . I get a great sense of accomplishment at planning my day precisely so I can get around with only one pass . It was already noon and I was cranky as I boarded the 52 bus bound for Denver Health . The driver was a nice old lady who met me with a big smile , and in a very pleasant voice announced every stop . I was feeling more relaxed as I got off the bus . I would pick up my test strips and insulin , have lunch , and still be able to make it home on the same transfer , since they were good for three hours . Then I noticed the nice driver had not changed the time for the hour , and my transfer was only good for two hours . Dammit ! I rallied again when I saw the line to drop off prescriptions was not that long . And I admit I rallied a little more as I listened to the man in front of me argue with the clerk about his prescription . They had the wrong units , or read the prescription wrong , whatever the problem , I heard that they were unable to give him enough insulin to get him through the month . He was a huge man , and when I overheard how much he was taking I thought it was impossible that one human could take that much and not die . I was very happy , and a little smug , knowing that my prescription included much less insulin , and , having promised my doctor I would keep a log of all food and insulin taken , I was feeling pretty high and mighty that my visit here would be much more pleasant . Wrong again . I approached the window and told the apathetic clerk I would like two vials of humalog . Without checking the computer , she looked directly at me and said , " You can only get one . " " They let me get two at a time . I do it every couple of months . " I replied . She didn 't bat an eye , and still didn 't even pull up my record . " No . You can 't get two . " I checked my temper . It wasn 't that imperative , but since there was a minimal charge for them , it was more convenient to cover two months at a time . Whatever . " I 'm sorry . My doctor has instructed me to check my blood sugar five times a day . I can 't do that without test strips . Can you please look at my record ? " Her apathy was replaced with snottiness . " You can use the house phone to call him , then he can re - write the order and we can re - process the order . But no , I can 't do anything from here . You can come back tomorrow , then it will be 30 days . " " Fine , it will be about 45 minutes . " She showed the first sign of emotion , in the form of delight as she informed me I would be waiting a long time . Ha ! I had news for her . " Wonderful ! " I said , flashing her a big smile . " I have a good book I 've been dying to finish , and the cafeteria has great salads . " That showed her . I marched off and went to pay too much money for a really bad salad , but dammit , I did read my book . Insulin in hand , I got back on the 52 bus to continue my journey back out to Robert 's , where I looked forward to lounging on the patio and wrapping up some blog posts . I was in immediate trouble with the driver , as I tried to board the bus without realizing a wheel chair was trying to exit . He yelled at me to " hold up , " then I waited as he lowered the ramp and the chair rolled off . He made it a point to hold me at bay for about 30 second longer than necessary after he raised the ramp , I think just to make sure I knew he was the boss . I took a seat in the back and looked at my transfer . It expired at 3 o ' clock . It was now 2 : 45 . We would get to the train station about 2 : 58 , and I my stop was about 10 minutes past that . Angry at the original driver all over again , I wondered what the technicalities of the pass were . If I boarded the train while the pass was still good , would it count ? Given my experience with RTD employees , it would not . But we were talking about a matter of minutes . My internal battle was interrupted by a woman in the middle of the bus yelling " This is my stop ! " " I stopped for the stop you rang the bell for ! That was on the other side of the street ! No bell was rung for THIS stop ! " The driver yelled , as he slammed on the brakes , pitching all of us forward as the woman worked her way off the bus . That seemed like the final sign that this day was not the day to tempt fate . I bought a fresh ticket at the station , but was still grumbling about it as I bumped along . Then , two stops before my exit , a transit cop appeared from behind me . " Tickets please . " I was giddy with relief as I flashed him my pass , he smiled , wished me a good day , and moved on to the next person . I looked at the time . It was 3 : 03 . I replayed my ridiculously tedious day in my head as I began the two mile walk home . But soon the bunny rabbits were darting across my path , the geese meandered toward me to shake me down for food , and I noticed the trees had finally started to turn green . Sure the day had cost me three transit passes , but I did come away with an interview , a bottle of insulin , and narrowly escaped a transit fine of $ 75 . And in retrospect , I couldn 't really remember the last time I had such a terrible day . Most of my days have been good , so I shed my worries along the walking path , happy to know that I probably had another six months or so before I would have a bad day again . May 22 , 2013 Posted by tabdeans | YOUR MONEY IS NO GOOD HERE … Throughout my life I have had men buy me drinks , dinner and gifts . But today a curious thing happened with a gentleman on the 52 bus . The 52 serves Denver Health , which is where I fill my prescriptions . My monthly visits are always a lesson in humility , as I stand in the long line of people waiting for our drugs . There is always someone missing a leg , usually their stump is wrapped in the dirty rags of the homeless . Someone is usually talking about the cancer they got , and there is the old man or woman , skeletal and sickly , slumped in the chair while a family member waits in line for them . Today was not so busy , the weather was bad and people don 't like to venture out if they don 't have to . My usual hour long wait took only 30 minutes , which meant my bus transfer was still good . I hurried to the bus stop and joined the line of waiting riders . An elderly gentleman stood in front of me , and he struck up a conversation immediately . His clothes were dirty , and his gray beard was stained brown around his lips from smoking cigarettes . We chatted about the weather and he asked where I was going . I told him downtown , and I was happy because my transfer was still good . As the bus approached he took out his wallet and made a motion with his hand . " Put that away . Your transfer 's no good here . I got this . " I tried to explain that my transfer was valid , and I couldn 't use it any other time , but he proudly displayed his pass to the bus driver and declared " she 's with me . " I followed him onto the bus and sat in the seat opposite him . " I got a companion pass . " He said . " I can get anyone I want on any bus or train . You wanna go to breakfast ? I just got my social security check . " I made the tragic mistake of boarding the 65 bus in the early afternoon , just as the junior high and high schools were letting out . The bus filled up with young hooligans quickly , and I scrunched deeper into the corner back seat . I had deliberately chosen that seat to be isolated and enjoy the scenic ride along Monaco , with only my thoughts go keep me company . It was snowing heavily and I was slowly working my way to Robert 's house . I had spent the morning writing mindless online posts , and intended to enjoy the ride . I looked forward to the two mile walk from the bus stop to his house in the fresh air and snow . The children were cramping my space , as three of them took seats near me and began their senseless teenage chatter . They appeared to be about 13 or 14 , two boys and one girl . They looked a bit nerdy by teenage standards , the boys ' feet looking too big for their skinny ankles , which peeked out from beneath pants that in my teenage years we would have called floods . Their pants were baggy , not in a gangster kind of way , but more like they had gone through a growth spurt since the beginning of the year , losing their baby fat and thinning out , as they simultaneously grew taller . Their cheeks were red and blotchy , not from the cold so much as that constant state of insecurity and embarrassment indicative of young males . One boy and the girl were teasing the other boy , apparently he was moving , and this was his last day at school . They were well spoken , teasing him about needing therapy without his calming presence , dramatically declaring their love for him , how could they live without him . The words were said in jest , and the young man took the good natured ribbing quietly , only the deepening red spots on his cheeks indicated he heard their words . I listened to this banter for several miles , before the young man pulled the cord signaling his stop . They gave him a final farewell jab of love , and he silently got off the bus . He turned to wave good bye , and I could see the forbidden tears of sorrow begin to fall down his face .

Was I just writing the other day about the heat while on a ride ? I was ! And now here I am with a story from the other end of the weather spectrum - cold and snow ! A few weeks before this , we rode in Death Valley where it was almost 100 ° F . , and then we roasted in the unseasonable heat here at home . This time I put my jacket liner and pants liner back in . The forecast said highs in the 40 ° s F . for Flagstaff , with a small chance of rain . Oh gosh I hope so , I thought . Hal and I headed out of town and soon got on the Beeline Hwy . Just past Fountain Hills after our first fuel stop , we were attempting to get back on the Beeline when we saw that a big plastic cooler had fallen out of a pickup truck into the roadway . The man who had dropped it was trying to pick up the mess before traffic smashed it . All the stuff that was in the cooler fell out , too , and the guy was trying to pick that up as well . He was blocking the left lane , and his vehicle was parked on the right side shoulder . Then an SUV stopped in the left lane to keep traffic from the hitting the first man . Everyone slowed down . Hal and I were waiting at the light to turn right . Hal started to go , but still being very " gun shy , " I thought to myself , I am not getting into that mess . Our intercom system was still not working , so I wasn 't able to tell Hal to wait . He pulled out , and just then a young woman driving a silver car came barreling through the scene , not paying any attention . I don 't know how she managed not to hit anyone . If she 'd hit that SUV from behind , she could have killed the people on the roadway in front it . As it was , she came very close to Hal as she slithered through the small space between him and the right shoulder . I don 't know how she didn 't hit him . She was completely oblivious to the whole thing until she got past the scene . Then , as realization washed over her , she slowed way down , like maybe she figured out what just almost happened and actually cared about the people she might have hit . It made me freak out again about what happened to me . When we got to Payson , we pulled in at a Circle K so Hal could put on more clothing layers since he was already getting cool . I asked Hal if he knew how dangerously close that woman in the silver car had come to him . " Yep , " he said in a flat voice , " about four inches . " I shuddered . We left Payson behind and climbed up on the Mogollon Rim . It was in the 50 ° s F . , not too cool yet . We pulled over again at Clint 's Well to turn on the video cameras . I thought again about how I should always have a video camera on while in the car ( if I ever drive again ) or on a bike in case an accident happens . Today I could have caught that " almost accident " in Fountain Hills . Lake Mary Rd . , when we got to it , was as pleasant as it always is . It is one of my favorite roads . There were many piles of snow on the sides of the road , evidence of last week 's storm . The snow was melting , the water running merrily from the snow banks , racing along the sides of the road . Before I knew it , we had reached the east end of Mormon Lake - a beautiful sight on any day , but today especially so . I saw that it was wet and marshy , not dry like it usually is . There were clouds building to the west , over the mountains and Flagstaff . I had hoped to get into some rain , and the presence of clouds made me happy ( or as happy as I get these days ) . By this time we 'd ridden 170 + miles , and we stopped at the usual place to fuel up before riding into Flagstaff . I found that my F800ST got 67 . 7 mpg , which isn 't unusual for that bike . Then we rode into Flagstaff , to the Indian restaurant that we like . Yes , we rode all those miles just to have lunch at that particular restaurant ( and enjoy our bikes , of course ) . As we pulled in to park , clouds blocked out the sun and it started to rain , and with the rain there were a few flurries of snow . Hal and I had a nice leisurely lunch at the Indian buffet . Foods like Chicken Tikka Masala , naan bread , and then to finish it off , the coffee was excellent , too . We took our time , talking and planning future road trips . Soon the restaurant emptied , and we knew it was time to leave . Outside , it had been sun and clouds while we ate , but now a dark squall line advanced on us from the south . We saw it as we walked out to the bikes . We 'd better gear up and get out of here , I thought , even though I secretly wanted to be IN it . Just then , a young guy got out of the pickup truck that was parked right next to us . " Hey , that 's the exact bike I 'm interested in ! " he exclaimed to Hal , looking at his F800GS . The two guys got into a big conversation about the GS while the rain got heavier and heavier , and soon turned to snow . The sky was getting darker by the minute . I was getting wet because I couldn 't put my helmet on . I ride with earplugs and it is difficult to hear people talking with them in , unless it is Hal on the intercom . While I was standing there , I put my rain gear on so the rest of me wouldn 't get wet . I couldn 't believe that the guy was making us stand there talking to him while we got wet . Obviously he was not a rider ! The snow was getting heavy , and piling up on the seat of my bike . It was also starting to stick to the ground , and I began to think about riding on ice . Finally , the conversation ended , I was able to get my helmet on over my now - wet hair , and we got on the bikes . I carefully negotiated the parking lot maze , but by the time we got to Lake Mary Rd . again it wasn 't snowing so much . Then it re - intensified as we rode past Lake Mary , which was very full . The storm was hot on our heels , as they say , coming up behind us . But we had planned to stop at the overlook to take pictures , so we did . Especially since the sky , the colors , and the rain were so beautiful . Soon we were in sun and clouds again , but the temperature stayed low . I was not cold or uncomfortable at all , surprisingly . My hands / gloves had gotten wet while the big conversation in the parking lot was going on , but I 'd found a pair of old gloves in the bottom of my travel bag and put them on , replacing my wet pair . With the heated grips turned up , I was comfortable . It was a lovely ride back through Clint 's well , then Strawberry , then Pine , then Payson , where we stopped for coffee again . My hair was still wet in back where it was pulled into a ponytail ! I sipped my coffee slowly and sadly , knowing I would soon be riding back into the heat . The sun was sinking by then , we 'd gotten kind of a late start on the day , but the clouds were golden at the horizon . We rode together from Payson , winding down the Beeline into the hot city , then Hal left me and we each rode home in the dark . Our total mileage was about 350 + miles , and about 80 miles more for Hal . It was a wonderful day , and I 'd enjoyed the crazy weather . Now all we have to do is figure out the intercom issue that we are having . It is so difficult riding without communication now that we 've gotten used to it . I don 't know how Hal and I rode together all those years that we weren 't able to talk to each other whenever we felt like it ! I 've been inside this garage for the greater part of the last seven months . It 's weird . I used to be out on the road every single day . The last time I was out being driven was about three weeks ago , and I got caught in the rain ! At least the girl wiped all the water off me when we got home . I mean , like , right away . I was surprised . I know I wasn 't the most popular vehicle in this garage for a long time . I kind of knew things were improving , though , when about a month ago she cleaned out my interior completely . It was better than a professional detailing ! She even found that old piece of caramel corn that had been stuck deep in the back seat for a couple of years . It definitely felt better to be completely clean . But things changed on Saturday . Her motorcycle riding partner came over , left his truck parked on the driveway , then Hal and the girl , Jo , took me into the city ! Hal drove , because I think Jo is still hesitant to drive . I have been sensing a change , though , and maybe I will once again become a car that is a daily driver , or at least close to it . We drove to a restaurant for a late breakfast . We went to First Watch in downtown Phoenix . I could see the two of them through the window , enjoying coffee and waffles and generally having a nice time . I was glad to see that Jo was relaxed . After that , Hal drove to the hairdresser 's shop and I had to sit in a parking garage for two hours . At least it was in the shade . It was worth it , though , because then we got to go on a real drive ! Hal drove out of the city , but when we got to Country Club Dr . and Hwy . 87 , they switched places , and Jo got behind the wheel . I was on best behavior because I could feel her hesitation . But , on a positive note , I could also feel that she was ready and open to connecting with me . Two minutes later , we were bonded as car and driver . She actually drove really well . Last summer , the last time she was behind the wheel , I wasn 't so sure . I thought , oh no , she 's not very good . But today she proved to be a much more confident driver , and even shifted well . I like that she can hear when it is time to go up through the gears , and it is very easy on me . I feel very lucky , my last owner ( who was also my first ! ) did a pretty good job of keeping me running great , and looking clean and beautiful , and now I feel that Jo will do the same . Our drive was great ! We flew up Hwy . 87 , then turned onto Hwy . 188 as it rolled through Tonto Basin , then meandered past Roosevelt Lake . The day was perfect , around 70 ° F . with increasing high clouds . We stopped at the Roosevelt Dam bridge to take pictures - of me ! I purred the rest of the day . By then it was getting toward dusk , and then in Gold Canyon , Hal and Jo changed places again . I was a little disappointed because I was used to her driving by then , and I liked it . But I understood . Hal encouraged her to keep driving , but she said she was getting a little tired by then , it was getting darker , and she wanted her driving for the day to end on a positive note . We came back into town , and then went to Jo - Ann 's , a fabric and crafts store . " Oh , the car 's first trip to Jo - Ann 's ! " Jo exclaimed . I guess she must go there a lot . Last summer , I bought this new ( to me ) car , a beautiful silver and blue 2005 Infiniti G35 , to replace my destroyed Hyundai Sonata . I mourned the loss of my Sonata , and I will never get over it . But fortunately , the wounds are healing ( somewhat ) , and I am making progress on getting behind the wheel of a car again . I bought this DR650 a few years ago , and I 've barely ridden it . I don 't know why , it 's a nice bike . Added to that , since I don 't ride it much , it has starting problems most of the time , and every time I do want to ride it , it won 't start . I recall only one great trip on it , and that was to Bagdad , Arizona . My riding partner , Hal , and I rode a long way on paved , busy highways to get there , and when we did , we got on a rough road , known as " The Bagdad Road , " that we would ride from there to near Prescott , Arizona . I had done it before , but on my 2006 BMW F650GS . Being fairly inexperienced ( at that time ) in riding a " big " ( to me ) bike on rough roads like this , I remember feeling very apprehensive for most of that trip . On the DR , it was an easy ride . When I got to the part that I called " the wall , " I thought I would find it was much less scary than when I was on the GS . It wasn 't , in truth , but at least I was much more comfortable . The DR was great on all the roads that we traveled that day . From being in rough country , to highways , and then after having dinner in Prescott , the winding paved road down off Yarnell Hill . It was just before Christmas , and I remember thinking how rare it was that I would see the town of Yarnell in the dark , with Christmas lights . It was an amazing ride that day for a total of a few hundred miles . Recently , the DR was in the shop for a couple of weeks , and now I have it back . I want to be able to ride it more often . I had such high hopes for many dual sport rides with it , and I 've hardly gotten to enjoy it at all . I suppose it 's mainly because I 've been riding all my other bikes , and there is only so much time available for riding . We left home Saturday morning at 7 : 30 and rode east on US 60 toward Superior , Arizona . It was a pleasant ride , with temperatures in the 70s F . We had originally planned to go to Buckboard , a restaurant we visit often , for breakfast , but once we got on the bikes , we just wanted to ride ! We fueled up at Goldfield Chevron , got a couple of Clif bars , and that was breakfast . I 'd been looking forward to this - a nice " juicy " riding day ! I had chosen my 2008 F800ST for this trip , a bike that was surely made for the 191 . Pearl hadn 't been on a real road trip for over two years , and I think she was feeling thrilled at this opportunity . Hal and I were especially appreciating every moment of being on the road after several weeks of stress at our separate workplaces . We rode east through Superior , Globe , and then continued east on Hwy . 70 . We went through Bylas , which is unchanged ( I hadn 't seen it in a couple of years ) , and still wrenchingly poor . Next is Pima ( lots of cotton ! ) , then Thatcher ( " Taylor Freeze , 2 miles ahead ! " ) , and then Safford . Next were the two towns of Clifton and Morenci , so close together they blend into one . They are old mining towns , and very interesting to look at . Clifton has a railroad track running parallel to the 191 that goes literally right in front of people 's houses . Like , 20 feet away . I get that it 's because of the mine , but I don 't think even I would like a train right at my doorstep even though I love trains . We had to cross and re - cross the train tracks at weird angles as we made our way through town , and then we climbed up toward the actual mine in Morenci , and the gas station . We always fuel up here before we get into the twisty section of 191 . There is no fuel between here and Alpine , and we know better than to pass up a gas station in these circumstances . We took a break , ate a Snickers bar , then turned on our video cameras to record the amazing , sinuous , legendary Hwy . 191 formerly known as Hwy . 666 . I don 't know why I was apprehensive about the first turns out of Morenci , but I was . They are very tight , climb steeply , and can be technical . When I got there , though , I thought , these aren 't any worse than anything else I 've ridden lately . The turns are tight , but the F800ST went smoothly through them . Up and up we went in elevation until we were " in " the actual mine , the road runs through it , and in a few miles rode through the blasting zone where we 'd had to stop and wait last year . There was no one in the guardhouse this time . Then we were free of the mine , and into the beauty of the mountains ! We found the condition of Hwy . 191 to be absolutely perfect . I have often said that October is the best month to ride this road . The summer storms have washed it clean of any remaining winter debris , and the road surface is dry and fast . The golden autumn light highlights the color of the aspens along with the bronze and wheat - colored vegetation that grows on the forest floor . It is so beautiful in the season that I love . Pearl flowed through the turns , and I re - discovered how much I love riding this bike . The F800ST was absolutely made for Hwy . 191 , and I did not feel uncomfortable for one second . The riding position was great , my new helmet worked great , and above all , the bike handled perfectly . Since we were riding this part earlier in the day than we had last year , the sun was not too low and not directly in our eyes as we climbed . We came to the part that I call " halftime , " the long grassy plain where the road is flat and straight . We let the motorcycles stretch their legs there as we flew along , but then after a few miles we brought the speed back down as we were back into more turns . It was pure fun and technical riding . We came to places where last year we had seen deer . It was too early in the day for them to be out this time , but we kept a wary eye out for them anyway . You never know ! It felt like home after that because we were on the part of the 191 that we know so well . It was cool , and all the vents in my jacket were still open ( since Morenci ) , but I didn 't care . It felt so nice to be cool . We went faster on some of these parts since we are so familiar with them , and it was so different to be riding them on a quick road bike instead of a dirt bike . We loved every moment of going through the turns , enjoying the road . I think this is the best experience we 've ever had on 191 ! Two and a half hours after leaving Morenci , we rolled into Alpine . It was about 94 miles since we 'd left the gas station . After we unpacked the bikes , we had time to enjoy a cup of coffee while sitting in the sun and waiting for a herd of elk that was supposed to show up later ( they had the two nights before ) , but didn 't when we were there . We barely even heard an elk bugling , maybe once the whole night , much less see any . The hunt was on , so the elk were probably smart enough to stay away . Around 6 : 00 , Hal and I walked to our last dinner of the season at Foxfire , joining the locals to shut it down until next May . We sat in our favorite area near the bar , splurged a bit on wine and dinner , enjoyed the live music , and said our goodbyes ( for now ) to everyone there . The stars were sparkling in the sky as we walked back to the lodge , and the air was crisp and cool . What a wonderful day , the best ever , I think ! On Sunday morning , we ate corned beef hash at Alpine Grill , the best corned beef hash in the world , in my opinion , and said goodbye ( temporarily ) to all our friends there . Then we had to go home , but it was at least going to be another wonderful long riding day . We were still in the " non - stop " groove , so we only stopped for gas in Springerville , and then at Payson Chevron . It is our habit to have a cup of their wonderful coffee there no matter from where we are returning . We even got back to Phoenix in time to watch some of the football games on TV . So , it 's been a while since I have posted . I never finished the Taos story from this year , but I am sure you gathered I got home okay . It was another wonderful ride through New Mexico . I am going to tell you the highlights in a minute . Lately , I 've been struggling through the first anniversary of the car crash last year , and I 'm still not driving a car . I know at least one person that I thought was a " friend " who will make some nasty remark , like " big deal , " and tell me to " get over it , " but most people will understand that a person doesn 't just " get over " what to them is a traumatic event . That said , it 's onward and upward as they say . I 'm working on it . The struggle is real , but at some point I will " sort of " get back to normal . After all that , though , I still will get on the motorbikes without hesitation , even the street bikes , which is weird , I know , but things can be weird after something happens . Lately , I have been enjoying the absence of heat where I live , finally , and recently had an especially wonderful weekend ride on highway 191 . I will post that story soon . It was probably my best ride … ever . Hal and I left Taos later than I wanted to . We rode along the Rio Grande until we reached Velarde . NM . We crept through the small town , then abruptly the scenery changed to more business - like , inhabited town , growing busier the closer we got to Santa Fe . Albuquerque was also busy , for a mid - day Sunday , and then before we knew it , we were through hot Socorro , climbing in elevation to cooler temperatures and cloudy skies . We started heading north / northwest , and the sky was dark . Up ahead , we saw a patch of road that was silvery from falling rain . But just for a mile ! It was so strange . During that mile , we were pelted with big drops of rain for a few minutes , and then suddenly we were out of it . What just happened ? I thought , then laughed . I didn 't have any rain gear on yet , but I also hadn 't had much of a chance to get wet . Farther west on the 60 , though , as we headed toward Pie Town , we saw more dark clouds gathering , and I asked to stop to put on rain gear . It was a good decision , because we rode right into a very active thunderstorm . First there was a bright bolt of lightning to the north , then another to the south ! Hal said , " this is scaring me ! " It was me , too , but I said " we 've only got about three miles to Pie Town . " We kept going . It turned out that I was right about the three miles , and with relief we turned into the parking lot of the pie restaurant at the west end of town . The thunderstorm was calm for the moment , but more was coming . We shed our wet gear when we got inside , and sat down . We ordered pie and coffee , and as we started eating , a thick bolt of lightning hit within a mile of the pie store , followed immediately by a shattering BOOM ! Hal and I looked at each other , each with a forkful of pie halfway to our mouths . Wow , that was close . A couple traveling in a car came in , sat down next to us , and we ended up talking to them for quite a while as we waited out the storm . They had , coincidentally , been to the Taos rally last year , and asked us if we were returning from this year 's . That 's how the conversation started , and it went from there . The restaurant was supposed to close at 4 p . m . New Mexico time , but the owners allowed us all to sit and talk as they cleaned up . The storm was slowly calming down , and we finally left . Hal and I rode the glistening roads to Quemado for our next fuel stop , then got on highway 32 . We made good time , and it was beautiful to look at the amazing clouds and spectacular scenery . We 'd been on this road before , but it 's always a treat . Along the way , I saw an amazing geological formation with vertical columns of rock right on top of horizontal strata . One could " wax poetic " on such story - telling abilities of the earth . At last we made it to Reserve , NM . It was still damp , but got warmer as we descended . Once we got on hwy 180 for the last section toward Alpine , it cooled down again , but here , oddly , the road was dry - for a change ! I couldn 't remember the last time we 'd come through here and found dry pavement . It was fun to ride the turns , and soon we were seeing the familiar outline of the mountains surrounding Alpine . As we parked and unpacked the bikes , I looked up just in time to see an amazing rainbow stretching across the dark blue sky on the eastern horizon behind Alpine . Another get - together for our local motorcycle riding club has come and gone . It was held at Hannagan Meadow Lodge in the White Mountains of Arizona . This year we are missing a very vibrant , strong member of our club , a dear friend who passed away in December . It was a different sort of gathering without him , but we still managed to make the most of the riding . He would have wanted that . Saturday morning , riding the part of a forest road that had been closed for about three years because of the wildfires of 2011 . We had despaired of ever seeing it , until a year and a half ago when it re - opened . It was worth the wait . So beautiful , as always , and quiet : We got back to the lodge around 11 o ' clock , stood around talking with part of the HML " family , " and loading the trailer until around noon , then began the ( sad ) journey home . I never want to leave the White Mountains , and our time there is always too short . It was quite a contrast to return to the heat and glare of the incessant sun . Overnight in the White Mountains , it had been in the low 50s F . , and deep in the night , sleeping with the windows open , I heard the scream of a big cat from the darkness of the forest . I do remember actually seeing the airbag receding , the smoke from the gunpowder twisting in the air as it dissipated . I closed my eyes . My upper lip was numb , and my upper teeth hurt . There was darkness , and I went somewhere inside my mind into a sort of semi - conscious state . My first thought was how could you DO this to me ? ? directed at no one in particular , just the universe . I was aware at once of all the implications . I was not breathing . Breathe , I told myself . I had that shock - y feeling when little light tracers twirled inside my eyelids . Breathe . I never thought I was hurt , but I was aware that the shock of the impact was having some kind of effect . The next thing I was aware of was the sound of Desmond screaming . I didn 't know if he was in shock , or if he was hurt . I reached down into the center console , in front of the transmission shift lever , to get my phone . I slowly dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . I must have lost consciousness for a few seconds because I knew that some time passed , but when I looked down again the phone was still in my hand . I was going to hit the " send " button , but I already heard the wailing of sirens . I have always hated when I 've had some kind of problem , like crashing on the mountain bike , or falling off a swing when I was a kid , and would always get up and carry on as if nothing had happened . I think if no one sees it , it didn 't happen . This time , there was no avoiding it , other people were going to have to help me . Oddly , for me , I didn 't mind this time . I needed help . I am not sure in what order things happened next , but I know my husband seemed to be okay , to my relief . That was another thing I thought of , how with his neck that hurts to begin with , he did not need this collision on top of everything else . Desmond got out of the car at some point , and tried to open my door . It was jammed . I didn 't mind , I wanted to sit there and not move for a while longer . I needed to get myself together . I heard him telling the EMTs that I should get looked at , that he thought I had lost consciousness . I heard someone come up to the door and ask " Is she okay ? " I don 't remember if I responded or not . The door was going to have to be pried open . I looked through the cracked windshield and I saw the hood was folded up and I could not see past the windshield . All around me were broken pieces of plastic ; I was sitting in wreckage . My beautiful little car . Desmond opened the passenger door and tried to pull the key out of the ignition because the " door open " bell kept dinging . He couldn 't get the key out to stop it . I told him I was okay . Finally , the firemen pried the door open . It seemed to me that it didn 't take much to open it , I thought the door was just stuck a little bit . When the door was opened , the EMT asked me if I was okay and I said " yes , I just need a moment . " I think he said something like " all you have to worry about now is what color your new car is going to be . " I didn 't know why he was saying that , of course I would get my Sonata fixed . It 's a nice car , I thought , and I like it . A little front end damage , but it will be fine . I sat there for a while with the door open , and then a police officer came over . He asked me politely for my driver 's license , and I said , " it 's in the backpack , behind my seat . " He took the backpack out and I told him to unzip the main section and get the wallet out . " It 's black with pink flamingoes on it , " I told him . I am sure he had already run my plates and knew that I had a clean record that goes back to 1980 when I was first licensed in this state . The officer was very polite during the whole thing . He was even apologetic that he had to ask if I was impaired . He said , " I can see that you are not , but I have to ask . " I also directed him to where the insurance card was in the glove box . That was almost all the interaction I had with the police during the entire ordeal . The policeman left , and an EMT took his place next to me at the open car door . " Well , let 's try now , " he said . My seat belt was still buckled , but the strap was hanging loosely now . The EMT reached across me to help unbuckle the belt . I seemed to be moving in slow motion . Once he released the seatbelt , I twisted slowly in the seat , then he gave me his hand to help me out . I really had no doubt that I was okay , but I was a little shaky , kind of shock - y as well . I stood up slowly and took a tentative step . I thought I saw people clap in the gathered crowd at the edge of the road but I could have imagined it . As if this were some kind of show for their entertainment . My right foot hurt a little , but I probably had so much adrenaline coursing through my body that I didn 't feel like anything else was wrong . I had the presence of mind to reach into the backseat floor area and grab my backpack and an envelope that I had needed to mail but didn 't because the mail store ( our first stop that day ) had just closed . While in the backseat , I saw the center console armrest had fallen open , and that my glasses , which I had been wearing , were back there . They had probably flown off when the air bag deployed . I retrieved them . The EMT led me around the back of the car , and in the dark , I did not see the damage to my car . We were walking toward the ambulance so I could ride in the front seat . Desmond wanted to get checked out in the ER , but he did not want to leave me at the accident scene . I was so thankful for him watching out for me . I am afraid of doctors and hospitals , so I wasn 't going to get checked out . I keep myself to myself , I thought . When I finally made it to the front seat of the ambulance , I climbed in . The officer came running up and handed my license and insurance card back to me . How had this happened , anyway ? I asked myself again , something I would ask myself over and over in the coming weeks . As the ambulance moved away from the accident scene , I looked over at the other car . It was wrecked . I asked the EMT if the person was hurt and he said , " No , she 's fine , just got jostled around more than you did . " I was relieved that the person wasn 't hurt . I thought the cops would probably come and talk to me at the hospital later if they needed to . After all , they knew where I was and that I wasn 't going anywhere else for a while . But no officer ever talked to me again that evening , and the next conversation I had with PD was the next week , and that was because I called them myself . It was full - on dark now , and I was quiet during the ride to the hospital . I walked with Desmond to the ER they put us in . I was worried about everything . Later , we would compare notes and find that we saw - or didn 't see - the same thing . That other car had come out of nowhere , its headlights had suddenly appeared directly in front of my car , when there was no time to react and prevent the accident . How was that possible ? We 'd both looked at the road , I know I looked twice , and there were NO cars coming . What had happened ? ? ? The question rang in my head , reverberating forever after . Meanwhile , in the ER , I stood next to Des while he was treated for a burn to his arm from the airbag deploying . He was x - rayed , and had a CT scan . My brother - in - law turned up after a while to give us a ride home , and hours after the accident , we finally got home . As Pat parked his truck and we crawled painfully out , it hit me that my car might never come home again .

I just happened to actually read my email one day in mid - August and I saw the announcement for Star Trek Mission NY on Labor Day weekend . I bought the tickets almost immediately . I have been a fan of Star Trek from the time the very first episode aired back in 1966 - < sarcasm font > I was just an infant , not even born , yet really < end sarcasm font > , so needless to say , I was excited . The first obstacle for DC would be going to New York City ( his favorite place ) without visiting " DC 's New York City " ; meaning the big Barnes and Noble , the Disney Store , the Eloise Store in the Plaza , Hershey Store , Hard Rock Café and ' Citral ' Park ( Central Park ) . I began explaining this to him weeks beforehand . We also promised him that we would go back another day very soon to spend the day doing his favorite things . As much as he seems to understand when I am prepping him for something , I never really know if he does until I get his reaction when it happens . I have to say that I did expect some kind of reaction to not going out into the city when we arrived , but the promise of going back another day seemed to be good enough . - Progress ! DC knows Star Trek TOS because he has me for a mother , of course . One of his first " signs " before he could speak was the " Live Long and Prosper " sign . Of course he did not know it meant LLAP , it was just his sign for Star Trek in general . I have seen all of the incarnations of Star Trek over the years with the exception of Enterprise so I knew most of the guests that would be in attendance . DC ? Not so much . We have been watching the original series on Netflix in the mornings before work and about a month ago we began alternating between that and Deep Space 9 , so I was hopeful he would recognize a few others . His normal " Arrival Anxiety " did not rear it 's head as it usually does when we first arrive anywhere . I was a bit surprised but relieved . We walked the show floor and came upon an Enterprise set where one could sit in the Captain 's chair . It was a long line , but he was all for it . For some reason , this is where his anxiety set in . The line was short , very short and as I said the hall was not crowded at all but this was where it hit . He started flapping angrily and making a horrendous noise . He used to make a clucking noise but it has evolved into something unrecognizable lately . In - between the flapping and the extremely loud noises he would stop only to say he was sorry and then start again . I could see that the woman in front of us getting a little bit nervous , but I just kept telling him to do what he had to do to calm down and as long as there was no one around for him to hit with his flapping arms , it was okay . She seemed to relax , I suppose because she saw I wasn 't treating it as a big deal . He did finally relax too . To keep him relaxed , I joked that he should not do that when he got to the table because he would scare Robert Picardo . He laughed . Still trying to keep his mind off of his anxiety , I asked him who we were going to look for next . We found " Reading Rainbow Man " ( LeVar Burton to the rest of you ) rather quickly . In true DC - delayed reaction and pronoun reversing fashion , the very first thing he said to him was " You scared me ! " . LeVar , not knowing what was going on said " How did I scare you ? " I then had to explain that in the previous line I told him if he made that much noise he would scare people . LeVar understood and told him that no , DC had not frightened him . He asked " How are you ? " The only Original Series cast member there that day was Walter Koenig . William Shatner was scheduled to appear on Sunday . DC met him at NY Comic - Con a few years earlier so we weren 't disappointed that we would be missing him this time . Of course , if he happened to have been there we surely would have been in his line too . I asked him who he wanted to see next . He looked around toward the Deep Space 9 section and answered " Jake " . I was a little bit impressed with that since he has only been watching for a few weeks and I was not sure how much he was actually paying attention . Of course by the time we got to the front he did not ' renember ' his name but that was all just a matter of him not understanding the question or that the question was not asked in a way he understood . He will typically give a lot of random answers until he is asked properly - unfortunately one never knows what " properly asking " might be on any given day . There are times when he can answer a question correctly the very first time the question is asked and other days , the question has to be asked in many different ways . He saw Quark over in the next line . Quark , not in costume is only the principal from Buffy to DC . His line was a little bit longer than the others so we skipped over to Nana Visitor . DC was his charming self but when she told him her name he really got excited . He was clutching his chest and squealing with the biggest smile on his face . I don 't know about any of you , but most of the time when I take DC to a play , event or something of the sort , I spend more time watching him get excited than I do watching the play or show or whatever is going on . Then I get teary - eyed . That is just what happened here . He just was so thrilled to be talking to her and she was just so cheerful and upbeat with him that I not only got teary - eyed , but I thought I was going to burst out into an all out ugly face cry right there . It was tough trying to keep my composure . When we finished and headed back over to where Doug was holding up the pole he thought something had happened as it was pretty apparent that I was trying to contain myself . When I tried to explain it to him I got all choked up again . Sometimes I just fall apart when I see him so happy - I know , I know , get a grip , woman … . We walked around a little bit more waiting for the rest of our photo - ops when we came upon an attendee all dressed up in a long flowing gown . DC could hardly control himself . She was talking to people and not paying attention while DC was yelling " Excuse me ! Excuse me ! " . I had to keep telling him not to touch her dress but he wanted her attention so he tapped her on the shoulder before I could stop him . When she turned around the first thing he said was " Sorry to touch " . She smiled and told him it was all right and he said " Dress Beautiful " ( and another squeal ) . That was all he needed to do ; get her attention to tell her that her dress was beautiful . She thanked him and we were off to look at everything else there was to see . We arrived in Providence on Friday afternoon . We had plans to meet with Wendy , an old friend of mine from the old neighborhood and also of Wendy Jane 's Soul Shake fame . Although we are in contact via Facebook , I do not believe that I have laid eyes on her since high school . * Wendy Darling , as she has now come to be known , looked exactly the same and I was more than a bit jealous that she hadn 't aged a day . She brought us to The Duck and Bunny , which was only a few blocks away from her house . It was such an adorable place . The chocolate and peanut butter cupcake was exceptional and the fries served in a flower pot … . . so cute ! * Wendy Darling asked him a question at one point and he answered with a " yes " . He then continued to repeat the " yes " over and over again . He has done this quite often since and I am sure he has done it before this , but when you are used to someone repeating things over and over again , it doesn 't always click that it is different from the normal repeating of words or phrases . It was more obvious to me that he was stuck . Since then , I have noticed it more . He seems to get stuck on a word and can not make his way out of it . I often wonder if it is the meds , but of course that is one of those questions that can not or will not ever be answered . It only took me saying " I think you are a little bit stuck on ' yes ' there . " , to which he answered " yes " to get him unstuck . A month or so before , a RI Comic - Con status came up on my Facebook page announcing the addition of Christy Carlson Romano to the list of Comic - Con guests . Without thinking and because DC was right there , I told him about it . This was all I heard about for the following month . I was kicking myself for even mentioning it to him because other than the announcement and her photo on the site , I could not find her listed in the photo ops , the panels , or autograph sessions . There was just no indication of where she would be . DC was and still is a huge fan of Even Stevens , particularly " Even Stevens Influenza - The Musical " which for some reason has never been released on Video , DVD or Blue Ray . Still , he knows every word to every song and has been able to find most of the clips on YouTube . Because of Christy , he is also a big fan of Cadet Kelly and Kim Possible . Again , I will say that I am so happy we went on Friday night ! I was on a mission to find her or at least where she would be when we came back on Saturday . I knew that we could not leave RI without finding her . I would never have heard the end of it - never ! While we were waiting in the Supernatural room on Friday night , we happened upon the only helpful volunteer that we came across over the entire weekend . We asked him ( very quietly ) where we could find Christy Carlson Romano . Luckily , he knew who she was and he directed us to the " Animation Room " . The Animation Room was over a bridge in a different building . We headed over there not expecting to see her , but hoping to find her table so we would know right where to go on Saturday . Personally , I would have loved to have spent more time in that room - there were so many other people I would have liked to see , but we were on a mission . We came around the corner and there she was at her table with only one person in line ! I did not know whether DC would be able to control himself or not when he saw her . We got in line and DC jumped up and down and squealed while she was trying to talk to the people in front of us . Me ? I was so relieved to have found her that I didn 't think to give DC my usual instructions - don 't touch her hair , don 't pick her up . The moment the people in front of us left the table , DC charged behind the table before I could stop him and gave her a back - crushing hug . I was worried that we were going to have another Snow White incident ( see : Rules I thought I would never have to make ) , but he was able to restrain himself , or he remembered the rule without being reminded . In either case , he did not pick her up . But , " Don 't rush the table " is now officially added to THE LIST . DC is a big boy man and I would not blame anyone for being frightened seeing him bounding towards them . I have to hand it to her , she was not and if she was she hid it well . She was so fabulous with him . She spoke to him in a happy excited voice , which just excited him more . She held his hands , possibly in self defense , but it didn 't matter - he loved it . She asked him questions . She sang part of the Kim Possible song . She asked him his favorite song and he went right into a partial rendition of " We Went to the Moon in 1969 " Meeting her was the highlight of the weekend . Yes , he was over the moon when he met Alex Kingston ( see : Hello Sweetie ) , but this was even better . This was right up there with meeting Cinderella for the first time . After a fantastic time on Friday night , we ventured back on Saturday , knowing full well that it would be much more crowded and we would not be able to do much more than the photo ops we still had scheduled . Before heading to the photo - op room , we took one more swing by the Supernatural and Walking Dead rooms , just to see if there was anyone there that hadn 't been there on Friday night . Sure enough - there was " Merle " ! We got in line . Again , DC does not know who he is and again , he would be acting as my stand in . There were two women in front of us that asked me to take their photo with Merle ( Michael Rooker ) and of course I obliged . Knowing as we do how DC can not resist a camera , especially one in his mother 's hands ; he jumped in the photo with the two women . The more I tried to explain to him that he was next and he needed to move out of the ladies ' picture the more he held his ground and the bigger the smile became . I finally had to go over and take him by the arm away from the picture . Unfortunately it was not my camera or I would have certainly taken a picture of DC photo bombing Michael Rooker , but alas … I only have the one that we took when it was DC 's turn . Jim Beaver was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 15 and the other was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 . We decided to get Jim Beaver done first . Explaining the conflict to a volunteer in order to find out how early we could get in line for Jim Beaver , I took out my printed , bar coded ticket that clearly stated : " You must present this ticket with the Bar Code and e - mail address visible " to double - check the time I had written on the ticket . She looked at it and told us we could probably get in line at about 12 : 30 . We walked around a bit and went back to get in line at the time she had given us . I gave the same volunteer my ticket and she said " Oh no , we can 't take those paper tickets . You have to get in that line over there and trade them in for cards . " The " line " outside the corralled line went all the way through the arena and through all of the vendor booths . We had to keep checking that we were actually still in the line and not just stuck behind people at the vendor tables . I 'm sure the vendors were just thrilled that the line was blocking their tables and customers from getting at their tables . When one is in a line for such a long time , one begins to bond with the people in close proximity . There was a boy in front of us that looked to be about 15 years old . He was with a friend about the same age . We discussed The Walking Dead for quite some time . We discussed our " Glen ' theories ( this was during the " Is Glen dead " or " Is Glen under the dumpster " weeks of limbo ) . I told him that I thought that because they were carrying it on so long that we would find out finally that yes , Glen is alive and because we would all be so happy about that , they would kill him ( or Maggie ) off very shortly afterwards ( that 's my theory and I am sticking to it ) . Eventually he asked me about how much I paid for the photo - op ticket . I told him I really didn 't remember because I bought it so long ago on - line . He said , " I have 50 . 00 on me , that should be enough , right ? " . This would be the first time my heart broke in this line . I looked at him and said " Please don 't tell me you don 't have a ticket yet . " He didn 't . He thought he would be able to buy one when he got to the front . He didn 't know that they had to be purchased before getting in the line . He had been in line with us at that point a good 45 minutes . I told him not to get out of line until we could find out for sure . We got the attention of a volunteer to see if he could buy a ticket at the front of the line . He couldn 't . I felt so bad for them ! But again , there was no guidance at all . There were no signs , there was no one checking for tickets , there was no one to tell anyone exactly what they were supposed to do . Somewhere around the hour mark , we made it to the corral and the actual line . This is where the confusion really began . We just stopped moving . The photo - op was way over it 's 45 minute scheduled time . People were now really confused because no one was explaining why we stopped - were we now in line for the next person ? Is Karen Gillian gone ? While we were all standing there wondering why we stopped moving , we noticed that there was a good number of people sitting up in the bleachers and they were now being directed down to the line . Those 50 or more people were actually ahead of us but there were so many people at the entrance to the corral , it was considered a fire hazard so they had to move them out . Seriously , what did they expect when they sold probably triple ( maybe more ) the photo ops that can be taken in a 45 minute session ? There were too many people in line . There were people getting in line for whoever was supposed to have that room after Karen Gillian - no one is telling any one what to do . This had to cause scheduling conflicts not only for the attendees but for the celebrities that may have had to be at a panel , or at their tables , or for the people coming to the op rooms next . We stood in this same spot for another 30 minutes . People were beginning to worry that she would leave before everyone in line made it inside . In front of us was a woman and her two daughters - the second group of people that we bonded with in this line . We talked for a long while and when DC started yelling " I 'm out of here ! " over and over again , the girls went out of their way to talk him down . We saw pictures of them in their Halloween costumes - all Dr . Who themed . DC enjoyed that . They were wonderful and I believe they were almost solely responsible for keeping him in line . We finally started to move and made it into the corral . The corral moved quickly and it was the mother and the two little girls ' turn to go in . The mother showed the volunteer her electronic tickets on her phone which earlier in the day she was told would be fine . But in true RI Comic - Con form was told that THEY WERE NOT GOOD . THEY ' D HAVE TO GO AND EXCHANGE THEIR TICKETS TOO ! ! ! ! An hour and a half in line and no one saw fit to announce this or check with the people in line about this change with the paper and apparently now the electronic tickets ? At this point , the little girl who was so excited to show me her Amy Pond - complete with suitcase and boots ( she already had the red hair ) - Halloween picture , burst into tears and they left the line . I just stood there in shock ! We were next and of course , me being me , could not keep my mouth shut . I screamed at the volunteer collecting tickets . " That girl just stood in this line for an hour and a half and you just made her cry ! You can 't just change the ticket procedure and not tell people ! " Then … . I noticed him holding a bunch of tickets cards ( like we had to exchange our paper tickets for ) AND he also had a handful of paper tickets ! ! ! " And WHY are you holding paper tickets ? We were told they were not good and had to exchange them ! Why are you taking paper tickets ? Why wouldn 't you take the electronic tickets if you are taking the paper tickets that you aren 't supposed to be taking ? ! " Say it with me … . . " I don 't know , I 'm only a volunteer . " There may or may not have been a few choice ' words ' thrown in his general direction . We went inside . DC was DONE with this , but even though she was an hour and a half , I believe , over her scheduled time , Karen really did make an effort to chat quickly with him . He really was just too distracted and over it by this time and once again they made him take his glasses off , so that was fun . I was distracted too about little Amy Pond crying and did not intervene as much as I would normally have to redirect him to get him back on track . We took the picture and left the room but we had to wait for the photo to come out . While Doug waited for the picture , I went on a hunt to find this woman and if she wasn 't going to yell at people to get them back in that line in front of everyone , I was going to yell at people for her . I could not get over the sight of that poor kid bursting into tears . I could not find them anywhere so DC and I went back to where we had left Doug waiting for the picture . It finally came out and DC seemed happy to see it even though he was not thrilled when he was having it taken . We decided that we had been there quite long enough for that day . We did have one more op scheduled with Scott Wilson but we already had a photo of him that we took at his table the night before so I had Doug just give it away . I know this was a colossal waste of money but I just couldn 't put DC though that again . He was done and so was I . I do understand that waiting and lines are the norm . We have been to NY Comic - Con which is much larger and of course we waited - of course it was crowded and of course there were lines , but it was just so much more organized . There was no comparison . ( I have a lot to say about our visit to the Rhode Island Comic - Con . Some good ; some not so much . Everyone we met was very nice . Now I understand that they are supposed to be , but we all know that it isn 't always the case . There were a few people who were just extraordinarily wonderful to DC , so I want to be sure I mention all of them . Because I have so much to say about the entire event ; Autism - related and not , I have decided to split the story up into a few parts , by category rather than in order by the day ) I will say again that I am so glad we went on Friday night just to get the lay of the land for Saturday . It was not crowded at all . We saw and did more that I ever imagined we would get to do - of course this also means that I spent so much more money than I had intended . But how could one pass up all of these people just standing around waiting for the crowds that didn 't come until Saturday ? DC really took a shine to him even though he didn 't know who he was . He was a nice man with grey hair and a beard and that was good enough for him . I took his picture with DC and then he insisted that I get in a shot ( a photo that will never see the light of day ) . Also in the Walking Dead room was Seth Gilliam - DC does not know him either , but he was happy to have his picture taken ( still standing in for Mom ) - he is always happy to have his picture taken . Technically we were there to figure out where everything was in anticipation of the crowds on Saturday and we could already see that there was no information readily available . It was very important to DC that we find one particular person before the weekend was done . We asked THE only Volunteer that would prove to be helpful during this entire weekend . He gave us directions to another area that we never would have found on our own ( more about his favorite person in another installment ) . While walking around this area we came upon Alex Kingston 's table . This was the one and only table where we found a line that entire night . We did have a photo op scheduled for the following day , but we got in line anyway . This was one of the very few times that our VIP tickets came in handy and they whisked us to the front . At this point DC was so excited he began squealing and stimming . She and most of the people in line seemed to be getting a kick out of just how excited he was . Fortunately there was a table between her and him because if there hadn 't been , he would have headed straight for all of that hair . She signed his photo with " Hello , Sweetie " , which just sent him further over - the - top with his squealing . We left the table with DC yelling and waving " Good - bye " to her and then of course a big " Good - bye everybody " complete with a bow , to the rest of the people in line . We walked around a little bit more . DC stopped quite a few random people in costume and insisted on having his picture taken with them . Most of the people he stopped were dressed as princesses and they all obliged . I decided that we should try to find the photo op area so we would not spend Saturday searching . We did eventually find it . They were holding the photo ops in the arena - it was large enough but it was also full of vendors . We looked around at some of the vendor tables and noticed that the schedule on the wall ( the only information available about anything was the current photo op schedule and the panel schedules ) was showing that Alex Kingston was in one of the photo op rooms right then . We had a ticket for the following day , but due to the many conflicts on Saturday , I thought it would make my life so much easier to be able to get at least one out of the way on Friday . It never hurts to ask , right ? There was NO ONE in line , no one - really - that was just how dead it was there on Friday night . While DC was checking out an Anna ( Frozen ) doll at one of the vendor booths , Doug went over to ask . He came back with a " yes " . Needless to say , he was quite the happy guy when we left the venue on Friday night ! He had such a great night all around there on Friday . It could not have been more perfect for him . ( I have a lot to say about our visit to the Rhode Island Comic - Con . Some good ; some not so much . Everyone we met was very nice . Now I understand that they are supposed to be , but we all know that it isn 't always the case . There were a few people who were just extraordinarily wonderful to DC , so I want to be sure I mention all of them . Because I have so much to say about the entire event ; Autism - related and not , I have decided to split the story up into a few parts , by category rather than in order by the day ) Let me first say that I am a huge fan of Jim Beaver . I have been since his time on Deadwood . Jim Beaver was one of the reasons I became a fan of Supernatural - yes , Sam was Dean on The Gilmore Girls so I may have been leaning in that direction anyway , but Jim Beaver gave me the push I needed . DC is also very aware of the show , but other than Sam and Dean ( who were not there ) , Jim Beaver ( aka Bobby ) is really the only other cast member that I knew for sure he would recognize . Why is DC familiar with Supernatural ( or the " Don 't you cry no more " show ) you ask ? Well DC loves music , but his musical choices do not usually come from what he hears on the radio unless it is a Disney song or a song from a movie he has seen . There are only a handful of songs that I can think of that he knows specifically from the radio - Carry On Wayward Son , just happens to be one of them . He zoned right in on the " Don 't you cry no more " line and it has been a favorite of his since . We didn 't have a lot pre - scheduled for Friday night at Comic - Con . One op I had scheduled was Brent Spiner who had cancelled his appearance a few weeks earlier ( " From this moment on , you are my mortal enemy ! " ) so I thought we would use Friday night to just go and get the lay of the land before Saturday when I was sure it would just be mobbed . We really did not expect to see many people or do very much that night , I just really wanted to figure out where everything and everybody was going to be . As it turned out , Friday was the best day of the event for us . It was not crowded at all and we got to do and see an awful lot . As we were walking and looking around I noticed that there were no lines at many of the autograph tables . Then we came upon the " Don 't you cry no more " room . The first table belonged to none other than Jim Beaver ( be still my heart ) - he was not there but the tablecloth was not turned up covering the photos for sale as others were so I assumed that he would be right back . We did have a photo op scheduled with him on Saturday , but photo ops are usually very hurried , so I thought this would be a good opportunity for DC to see him and not feel so overwhelmed and rushed . When we went over to stand at his table and wait , a boy who looked to be about 12 came over to us and asked us if we were in line . DC , who seldom initiates a conversation or a greeting , took one look at this boy , who looked just like a younger version of his friend * Ron from Camp and excitedly in his high - pitched squeaky DC voice squealed " Hello there ! My name is DC Last Name . How are you ? It is nice to meet you ! " . He grabbed his hand and shook it so hard the boy 's entire body was shaking . The boy was so very nice . He was not taken aback by DC 's squealing and excitement . The smile never left his face . He answered him , let him shake his hand again and told him his name ( which unfortunately I do not remember ) . He then went back to stand with his mother just outside the room . While we were standing there , I noticed Samantha Ferris at the next table . I asked DC if he wanted to go over there while we were waiting . He said No - he didn 't want to get out of line - even though we were the only ones in said line ; we were in line and in DC 's mind , that was all there was to it . I told him that we would not miss Jim if we went to the next table for a minute . Samantha is a pretty woman with long hair so I knew he wanted to go over there if not for anything else but the long hair but … . he was in line . I finally convinced him that we could go and come back to Jim 's line afterward . He finally agreed . Once there , he did get very excited . He told her his name and told her where he lived . Again , he was more conversational than usual . She was wonderful with him . She asked me questions but she also directed some questions to DC ( which we know does not always happen ) . She asked how he became a fan and I explained the song connection . She sang a few bars of ' Carry On ' for him - which just thrilled him to death . She asked him if the show ever frightened him . He said " No " . I began to explain to her how we talk about the fact that the show is only … . - DC piped in with - " Make - believe " . We talked about one of the loves of his life , Felicia Day ( a recurring character ) who he had the opportunity to meet a few years ago at NY Comic - Con . Samantha certainly added a new fan to her list that night ! As soon as we were finished there , DC immediately wanted to go " back to the line " ( there was still no line ) and Jim had not returned . Samantha told us he would be right back , so back to the " line " we went . DC started getting a little bit anxious while waiting but fortunately not too over the top . Someone ran by us and said " We 'll let him know someone is waiting " and before I had the chance to finish telling them that it was not necessary to rush him , they were gone . Eventually when he did come out , he looked a bit out of sorts ; not the " I don 't want to be here " out of sorts - he looked as if something was wrong or something had happened . I felt bad and hoped that the powers that be did not make him come out just for us . He apologized and said there had been a slight emergency , which I absolutely believe due to the almost shaken look on his face . Now I felt even worse . Of course the first thing out of DC 's mouth was " I have been looking all everywhere for you " . Then for some reason , probably because he was zoning out a bit at this point , he called him " Jake " instead of Jim or Bobby . He got his " DC picture " as he called it , so he was happy . We turned to leave and there was the boy from earlier . DC again very excitedly , shook his hand , gave him a hug and told him he loved him ( the asking permission before hugging anyone rule went completely out the window that weekend ) - the boy , as before , went along with all of it thankfully . What an extraordinary child ! I wish I could send him many gifts ! We had three photo ops scheduled on Saturday . I purchased Jim Beaver way back in July and the others at later dates . The only information listed when purchasing a photo op on - line was the day ; Friday , Saturday or Sunday . When they did finally post the scheduled times I discovered that Jim Beaver and another were listed at the same time . I have to imagine that this happened to many other people as well . On our way to the most unorganized photo op room I have ever seen , DC announced that he needed to " Flap his Wings " . It was just too crowded for him to flap where we were at the time but we did manage to find a corner almost under the bleachers for him to flap . I had him jump up and down a bit too while we had the space , just to try to get it all out . Then we headed to the area where the photos were to be taken . Jim Beaver was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 15 and the other was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 . We we decided to get Jim Beaver done first . Explaining the conflict to a volunteer in order to find out how early we could get in line for Jim Beaver , I took out my printed ticket with bar code that clearly stated : You must present this ticket with the Bar Code and your e - mail address to double check the time I had written on the ticket . She looked at it and told us we could probably get in line at about 12 : 30 . We walked around a bit and revisited the " jump and flap " area for one final go . Then we went back to get in line at the time she had given us . I gave the same volunteer my ticket and she said " Oh no , we can 't take those paper tickets . You have to get in that line over there and trade them in for cards . " I followed the direction of her pointing finger to the mob scene , she referred to as a line , and questioned the ticketing process . This was supposed to be our ticket . " I don 't know , I 'm just a volunteer , but don 't worry ; he 's not here yet " . Firstly , I can not tell you how many times I heard " I don 't know , I am just a volunteer " that day and secondly , the issue was not whether he was there or not , it was about trying to get closer to the front due to our time conflict . We went over and got at the end of the " card " line . While waiting and out of the blue , DC decided to hug the man dressed as Mr . Spock who was in front of us in the card line . Fortunately again , Spock had no problem with this random hug from a stranger . He explained that he has three children on the spectrum , so he was not fazed by it at all . We talked special needs programs for a bit until it was our turn to trade in our tickets . We finally made it out of that line with our " cards " but by the time we got back to the photo line the entire fenced in area was full and our place in line was outside of the roped in area . The volunteer saw us and yelled . " Don 't worry , he 's not in there yet " - again , not the point ! Doug , who unlike me can usually put up with just about anything , went ahead and spoke to a volunteer at the head of the line . Shortly thereafter a different volunteer came and moved us to the front of the line . I have written before that I do not generally look for accommodations for DC and I did not here . I always want him to try . I did purchase VIP tickets because of DC but this is not Comic - Con or the convention center making accommodations for my son , that is me paying more money to accommodate my child on my own . We did what we were supposed to do . We discovered the scheduling conflict . We planned ahead to get in line early , not earlier than anyone else would be allowed to , but as early as was allowed . We had the proper tickets , only to be told that we didn 't . So for anyone that might be wondering or is waiting to pounce ; we were not moved to the front due to DC 's autism - we were moved to the front due to the total unorganized way that this event was run ( there is more , trust me ) . After all of this , it was finally our turn to see Jim Beaver . DC did attend one photo op on Friday night ( paper tickets were accepted then and there was no mention of a card ticket ) . Because of the Friday op , DC was expecting Jim Beaver to be standing on the same side of the room as the person was the night before . He wasn 't - he was on the side of the room closest to the curtain where we entered . DC walked into the room , and headed straight to the other side never noticing Jim Beaver standing right there . DC was looking around very confused so I turned him around and brought him back to Jim , who was looking rather confused himself and probably wondering what was going on . The photographer took one picture and asked if he would take off his glasses for another . DC , who does not like to part with his glasses immediately said " No " , but he did give in and give them to me . Now he was wearing his crabby face . As soon as they pointed that camera at him , DC being DC , immediately put on his big photo smile . One of the assistants commented about just how quickly he was able to turn on that smile . Yes , sir . That 's my boy - always the ham . One can not point a camera at or around him and not get that smile . As soon as the picture was taken DC 's only concern was getting his glasses back . He started walking out without even saying good - bye or thank you , he just wanted the glasses . He did remember his manners after being reminded . I do not usually have to remind him but I know that all that he was thinking at this point was getting out of there before anyone tried to take his glasses again . DC ( always the actor - wiping his forehead ) " Phew , I did it ! " He had his picture , he had his autograph , both of which will be added to his wall of fame at home and he got his glasses back . Even with the all of the confusion and chaos ( there was more ) , my boy really did a great job of it . We will put the Supernatural portion of our weekend in the win column ! Last October , we finally made it to New York Comic - Con . I was nervous - it was so crowded , but the hope of meeting Felicia Day , kept DC pretty much on track . He also got to meet William Shatner and the Real Mike Tee Vee . All were very nice to him and he was very , very happy . A few years back a friend of mine told me about " Shore Leave " , an event held in Baltimore every August . It is smaller than ComicCon and the original plan was to try this first , see how DC managed it and then move on to the bigger ' Con ' in NY at a later date . Somehow we ended up doing it in reverse . But , since DC did so well at ComicCon we decided Shore Leave would be a breeze . We left on Thursday afternoon as soon as DC came home from his work program . Our 5 hour drive to Baltimore somehow turned into an 8 hour haul . We opted not to stay at the hotel where the event was being held as we were planning on doing a few other things in Baltimore while we were there and I really thought it would be just too much for DC . We had reservations at the Holiday Inn - Timonium . We finally arrived a little bit after 11pm . The man at the desk checked us in to room 717 . We headed up to the 7th floor in the slowest elevator known to man - reverse warp speed . We opened the door to room 717 and found that the door was bolted from the inside and soon a man 's face was looking at us through the 6 inch space in the door . He wanted to know what we were doing and why we had a key to his room . We explained that we had just checked in and this was the room we were given . He explained that HE had just checked into this room moments before . DC does not understand this , he wants to " go to the room " . Fortunately a hotel employee was in the hallway and called down to the desk . He got the desk clerk to assign us a different room on the same floor , let us in with his master - key and went down to switch out the keys for us . We were now checked into room 725 . At about 11 : 45 , the room phone rang . It was the desk clerk . He has forgotten our name ( ? ? ! ! ) - we had reservations so he should have all of that information , but I gave him our name again . At midnight , the phone rang . It was the desk clerk once again , this time calling to tell us he would have someone slip free breakfast coupons under our door for our inconvenience . We thanked him and hoped this would be the end of the phone calls for the evening . We spent Friday at the Inner Harbor . DC of course spotted the Barnes and Noble and Hard Rock " Caf " ( DC - speak ) so , you bet we had to visit both places . It was a nice day and we had a very nice time . We got back to the room at about 4pm to discover that no one had come to clean . I thought that was odd , but given the debacle of the night before , I really didn 't think too much about it at the time . We would be heading back out in an hour so there wasn 't much point to calling anyone to clean at that time of day . Reading the Shore Leave schedule , I noticed that there was a " Rock , Paper , Scissors , Lizard , Spock " tournament at 6pm . DC loves the Big Bang Theory and thinks " Rock , Paper , Scissors , Lizard , Spock " is the most hysterical thing he 's ever heard . He does not really know what it means , the words are just so funny to him . I thought if we attended the tournament , he would see exactly what it is … . a game . I didn 't think he would actually understand the game , but at the very least he might understand what they are talking about in the show . When we first walked in , the moderator was explaining the rules , reading from a very confusing T - shirt , complete with diagrams and pictures of the signs . One of the participants piped up " That boy has the directions right on his shirt " - I don 't think the moderator appreciated this , he looked up , sighed and went right back to explaining with HIS T - shirt . DC got a kick out of the tournament and asked me more than once " to play " . I knew he really didn 't understand it and thought about asking the moderator if someone could play a quick game with him when they were finished , but during the practice rounds I did with him , I could see he really didn 't get it . He just threw whatever I threw . I told him he could play against me . We played at the table while the tournament was in progress . This seemed to make him happy enough . After the tournament we were walking down one of the hallways and I noticed the TARDIS in the corner and pointed it out to DC . He recognized it immediately yelling , " Dr Who " We went to check it out . It was a photo booth . I don 't know what sort of directions the man gave DC when he was in the booth , but I could see from the computer screen outside that every time " Look at the Camera " came up on the screen , DC did something with his hands and his face , when the prompt was not there he sat looking at the screen normally . I 'm sure he was following his understanding of the directions the man gave him . He also happened to find a pair of TARDIS slippers . There were only two pair on the table , but thankfully one pair was his size . He was pretty darn happy to get them . He has a " thing " about slippers lately , I don 't know why . He has a few pair of slippers at home but never wanted to wear them , all of a sudden he loves slippers and wears them all of the time . The Tardis slippers were a nice find for him . Pictures taken , slippers purchased , now DC was beginning to get antsy . He had enough for one night and as you may or may not know , DC 's favorite thing when on vacation - besides bookstores and restaurants , that is - is the hotel room . He really just LOVES hotel rooms , so he was anxious to get back . We arrived back at the hotel at a little after 9 . Jokingly , I said to Doug , " I hope they didn 't give our room to someone else " We got to the door and the key would not work , none of our keys worked . There were 2 women just down the hall going into their room and I heard one say to the other , " Now look , their keys won 't work " and they asked us if our keys worked . We told them that they didn 't . They proceeded to inform us that they had just checked in and they were assigned room number 725 ( our room ) . They opened the door , went in and realized that this was clearly someone else 's room ( especially as you know , no one had come to clean it that day ) . They had just been down at the desk to have it corrected and in the process the people at the desk deactivated our keys . We went back down to the desk and informed them that once again , we were stuck in the hallway . Last night they had us walking into someone else 's room and tonight they sent strangers into our room . The women at the desk said that when the desk clerk switched our room the night before he didn 't mark it down - which explains why no one came to clean - they thought it was empty ( but why did he call to ask our name ? ? - That will remain a mystery ) . One woman offered us free breakfast coupons for the rest of our stay ( they must have to give out an awful lot of those ) - I informed her that we had already been given coupons the night before for that error . They didn 't offer anything else . I could be wrong , but it did seem as though the women that walked into our room that night were upgraded to a suite - but , I could be wrong …………… . On Saturday morning , we decided to take in the " Fairy Tale Panel " back at Shore Leave . DC must have been much more exhausted from Friday than I realized as he fell asleep and slept ( in the front row , mind you ) throughout the entire hour . 200lbs of dead weight hanging on me the entire time - just what you want when you are running a panel , someone fast asleep in the front row ! He did also sleep through the Once Upon a Time panel at ComicCon , but at least it was a dark room and we were nowhere close to the front . I suppose it could have been worse , he could have been snoring . Our first stop was Robert Picardo . I explained to DC that he was once on a Star Trek ( Voyager ) . His sign read " I 'm the Doctor " . This confused DC , he knew it wasn 't David Tennant , the only Dr . he is aware of , but the sign did say " I am the Dr . " so he called him Dr . Who . We then headed to THE most confusing Photo Op line ever . We had tickets for 3 Photo Ops which meant we had to get in line 3 times . The lines did move quickly , but it was all very confusing trying to figure out where we were supposed to be . The woman at the entrance to the photo room just Ooo 'd and Ahh 'd over DC every time we arrived for a photo . " Oh ! Look at him , he is so excited ! " - he was , plus there is no one that loves to have their picture taken more than DC does . Next up was Eve Myles . She was a few minutes late getting to the photo room and when I saw her coming down the hallway , I got a little bit anxious . Her hair was much longer than it is on TV and in photos . DC LOVES long hair , LOVES it ! Before we were faced with another ' Snow White Incident ' I launched into " the rules " . Next and thankfully , last as DC was tired of getting in and out of lines … . Silas Weir Mitchell . I love Grimm . DC has seen it a few times , but I don 't think he really knew who he was . It didn 't faze him because , someone was taking HIS picture and isn 't that really all that matters ? At this point , DC was starting to get edgy . Our last stop was the Eve Myles autograph table . We had a good 1 / 2 hour wait until she was finished with the Q & A she was leading . We slipped inside to listen and more importantly to move DC out of the hallway . There was a wonderful lady sitting at the table who just happened to be a Special Ed teacher ( we seem to run into Special Ed teachers everywhere we go , she was the second on this trip ) , she let DC pick out the photo he wanted autographed early . He picked a photo of Ms . Myles from a Merlin episode . We chatted a bit , she chatted with DC a bit as well . She told him he was doing a good job waiting - he loves compliments , who doesn 't . The Dalek from the Tardis photo booth was now roaming the hallway " EXTERMINATE ! " , so that helped to keep him occupied until Ms . Myles was finished with her Q & A . When she arrived at the table , the woman whispered something to her and then introduced her to DC . She told her that he was waiting a long time for her . He was first in line for her autograph , she was lovely to him . He was thrilled … . . I didn 't try to push him to do any more . We arrived that morning at 9 and it was now after 3 . That was a long stretch for him , even with the nap . He had a few sketchy moments throughout the day , but I really I think , overall he did a fantastic job ! DC completed his first full year of " work " . He transitioned into it very well . Me ? I am the one still having a problem calling it " work " and not " school " , the " car " is here , instead of the " bus " . I panic each time a school vacation comes along because I have to make plans for DC while I 'm working , until I realize he doesn 't get those weeks off anymore ; he 's working . The transition seems to be much more difficult for me than it was for him . My " Broadway Baby " also has a volunteer job as a Greeter at a local theater , with a job coach of course . He loves it and does well . The shifts are long , but he makes it through and he is happy when he gets home . How many of us can say we have our Dream Job ? DC has his . He has been asking to do more things " All by myself " , like making his lunch for school work , his breakfast , making his bed and shaving . " All by myself " means he doesn 't even want me in the room ( a good thing with the shaving …… . I make him nervous - me ? - " Mom , are you still here ? " ) . This year we skipped our annual Halloween trip to either Salem or Sleepy Hollow and decided to go to New York ComicCon . To say it was crowded is an understatement . He did well . Yes , he was anxious , but he controlled himself as best he could . Mike TeeVee came at the perfect moment . DC was getting anxious so we were on our way off the show floor because I could see he was getting upset . We happened upon " Mr . TeeVee " on the way . No line , as I don 't think anyone realized he was there yet . He was very nice and was able to spend some extra time with DC . DC calmed down right away . He waited in line for an HOUR and A HALF to see the love of his life , Felicia Day . Do you remember when your kids were little ? When they would finally eat or do something that they never would before and you were afraid to even look at them for fear they would stop ? This is exactly how I felt standing in that line with him . I don 't think I was even breathing . Fortunately she came out early and we were relatively close to the front of the line , so I knew we were " home free " at that point . He was excited when she came out but then he turned to me and said " I am very nervous about this " . He has used the word " nervous " up to this point only when there was a storm , never about meeting anyone . I think he realized right then and there that the people he sees on TV or in the movies are real people AND that this person , that he adores , is someone special . He was also able to meet William Shatner . He does know who that is due to his mother ( me ) . He was very nice to him as well but " no pictures please " . We did forget to tell him that DC was born on his birthday ; maybe that would have rated us a picture - but live and learn . His Uncle asked him to sing Edelweiss at the table on Christmas Eve . DC is , and always has been , a ham so I was surprised that he sang the song , looking only at me and then buried his head in my arm when he was finished . Bashful ! Embarrassed ! I don 't know if this is a good thing or not , BUT , it IS a new reaction and a new emotion so I will add this to the Plus Column as well . This was our very first " Con " and me , in my infinite wisdom , decided not to start small . Nope … . New York City … . Huge … . Mega Crowds … . but I have to say that it really went well . Even though we would be in the city for the entire weekend ( New York City is DC 's favorite place in the world ) I opted for just the one - day / Saturday ticket . I knew that being in New York and not walking around the city and the crowds that I was anticipating would not make for a very happy guy . If this was a bust with DC at least there would be the bright spot of spending the rest of the weekend visiting his favorite places - Hard Rock , Central Park , Toys R Us , The Eloise Store in the Plaza and the Hershey Store . Just as we were making our way out of the vendor room because of the crowds , we happened upon Mike Tee - Vee . The real Mike Tee - Vee . Talk about a find ! DC was so happy ! If we had walked down a different aisle we would have missed him . Fortunately it was early and not too many people had happened upon him yet so he was able to take his time with DC . Waiting in line for Felicia Day . He had waited almost an hour and just as I thought he couldn 't take it anymore , she came out . She came out 20 minutes BEFORE her scheduled time . It was still another half hour before we made it to the front of the line but just seeing her up there kept him focused . Can 't love her more for doing that ! DC with Felicia Day … She was wonderful . She held his hands and asked him which Dr . Horrible song was his favorite . ( He was going to wear his Dr . Horrible costume , but changed his mind at the last - minute which was probably for the best ) DC loves " Penny " from Dr . Horrible but he also knows her from " Erica " ( Eureka ) . He was thrilled . She let us take a picture even though we were not supposed to ( as much as he loves her , I just could not make him stand in another line for a photo - op with her ) Lunch : Pretzels on the floor . The pretzel line was the only manageable line for food we could find . If he was not looking forward to dinner in the city later , THIS would not have gone over well at all . - * Note to self I told myself all day that I would not spend the money they are asking for William Shatner 's autograph . Well , I caved . How could I attend my first Comic - Con with William Shatner in attendance and skip him ? DC does know him of course because I am his mother . I was nervous but William Shatner was nice to him . We were not allowed to take photos ( and no , I was NOT going to pay for a photo - op ) , so this was the best we could do . We completely forgot to tell him that DC shares his birthday ! Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Everything is Related - Dr . Who Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .

I just happened to actually read my email one day in mid - August and I saw the announcement for Star Trek Mission NY on Labor Day weekend . I bought the tickets almost immediately . I have been a fan of Star Trek from the time the very first episode aired back in 1966 - < sarcasm font > I was just an infant , not even born , yet really < end sarcasm font > , so needless to say , I was excited . The first obstacle for DC would be going to New York City ( his favorite place ) without visiting " DC 's New York City " ; meaning the big Barnes and Noble , the Disney Store , the Eloise Store in the Plaza , Hershey Store , Hard Rock Café and ' Citral ' Park ( Central Park ) . I began explaining this to him weeks beforehand . We also promised him that we would go back another day very soon to spend the day doing his favorite things . As much as he seems to understand when I am prepping him for something , I never really know if he does until I get his reaction when it happens . I have to say that I did expect some kind of reaction to not going out into the city when we arrived , but the promise of going back another day seemed to be good enough . - Progress ! DC knows Star Trek TOS because he has me for a mother , of course . One of his first " signs " before he could speak was the " Live Long and Prosper " sign . Of course he did not know it meant LLAP , it was just his sign for Star Trek in general . I have seen all of the incarnations of Star Trek over the years with the exception of Enterprise so I knew most of the guests that would be in attendance . DC ? Not so much . We have been watching the original series on Netflix in the mornings before work and about a month ago we began alternating between that and Deep Space 9 , so I was hopeful he would recognize a few others . His normal " Arrival Anxiety " did not rear it 's head as it usually does when we first arrive anywhere . I was a bit surprised but relieved . We walked the show floor and came upon an Enterprise set where one could sit in the Captain 's chair . It was a long line , but he was all for it . For some reason , this is where his anxiety set in . The line was short , very short and as I said the hall was not crowded at all but this was where it hit . He started flapping angrily and making a horrendous noise . He used to make a clucking noise but it has evolved into something unrecognizable lately . In - between the flapping and the extremely loud noises he would stop only to say he was sorry and then start again . I could see that the woman in front of us getting a little bit nervous , but I just kept telling him to do what he had to do to calm down and as long as there was no one around for him to hit with his flapping arms , it was okay . She seemed to relax , I suppose because she saw I wasn 't treating it as a big deal . He did finally relax too . To keep him relaxed , I joked that he should not do that when he got to the table because he would scare Robert Picardo . He laughed . Still trying to keep his mind off of his anxiety , I asked him who we were going to look for next . We found " Reading Rainbow Man " ( LeVar Burton to the rest of you ) rather quickly . In true DC - delayed reaction and pronoun reversing fashion , the very first thing he said to him was " You scared me ! " . LeVar , not knowing what was going on said " How did I scare you ? " I then had to explain that in the previous line I told him if he made that much noise he would scare people . LeVar understood and told him that no , DC had not frightened him . He asked " How are you ? " The only Original Series cast member there that day was Walter Koenig . William Shatner was scheduled to appear on Sunday . DC met him at NY Comic - Con a few years earlier so we weren 't disappointed that we would be missing him this time . Of course , if he happened to have been there we surely would have been in his line too . I asked him who he wanted to see next . He looked around toward the Deep Space 9 section and answered " Jake " . I was a little bit impressed with that since he has only been watching for a few weeks and I was not sure how much he was actually paying attention . Of course by the time we got to the front he did not ' renember ' his name but that was all just a matter of him not understanding the question or that the question was not asked in a way he understood . He will typically give a lot of random answers until he is asked properly - unfortunately one never knows what " properly asking " might be on any given day . There are times when he can answer a question correctly the very first time the question is asked and other days , the question has to be asked in many different ways . He saw Quark over in the next line . Quark , not in costume is only the principal from Buffy to DC . His line was a little bit longer than the others so we skipped over to Nana Visitor . DC was his charming self but when she told him her name he really got excited . He was clutching his chest and squealing with the biggest smile on his face . I don 't know about any of you , but most of the time when I take DC to a play , event or something of the sort , I spend more time watching him get excited than I do watching the play or show or whatever is going on . Then I get teary - eyed . That is just what happened here . He just was so thrilled to be talking to her and she was just so cheerful and upbeat with him that I not only got teary - eyed , but I thought I was going to burst out into an all out ugly face cry right there . It was tough trying to keep my composure . When we finished and headed back over to where Doug was holding up the pole he thought something had happened as it was pretty apparent that I was trying to contain myself . When I tried to explain it to him I got all choked up again . Sometimes I just fall apart when I see him so happy - I know , I know , get a grip , woman … . We walked around a little bit more waiting for the rest of our photo - ops when we came upon an attendee all dressed up in a long flowing gown . DC could hardly control himself . She was talking to people and not paying attention while DC was yelling " Excuse me ! Excuse me ! " . I had to keep telling him not to touch her dress but he wanted her attention so he tapped her on the shoulder before I could stop him . When she turned around the first thing he said was " Sorry to touch " . She smiled and told him it was all right and he said " Dress Beautiful " ( and another squeal ) . That was all he needed to do ; get her attention to tell her that her dress was beautiful . She thanked him and we were off to look at everything else there was to see . We arrived in Providence on Friday afternoon . We had plans to meet with Wendy , an old friend of mine from the old neighborhood and also of Wendy Jane 's Soul Shake fame . Although we are in contact via Facebook , I do not believe that I have laid eyes on her since high school . * Wendy Darling , as she has now come to be known , looked exactly the same and I was more than a bit jealous that she hadn 't aged a day . She brought us to The Duck and Bunny , which was only a few blocks away from her house . It was such an adorable place . The chocolate and peanut butter cupcake was exceptional and the fries served in a flower pot … . . so cute ! * Wendy Darling asked him a question at one point and he answered with a " yes " . He then continued to repeat the " yes " over and over again . He has done this quite often since and I am sure he has done it before this , but when you are used to someone repeating things over and over again , it doesn 't always click that it is different from the normal repeating of words or phrases . It was more obvious to me that he was stuck . Since then , I have noticed it more . He seems to get stuck on a word and can not make his way out of it . I often wonder if it is the meds , but of course that is one of those questions that can not or will not ever be answered . It only took me saying " I think you are a little bit stuck on ' yes ' there . " , to which he answered " yes " to get him unstuck . A month or so before , a RI Comic - Con status came up on my Facebook page announcing the addition of Christy Carlson Romano to the list of Comic - Con guests . Without thinking and because DC was right there , I told him about it . This was all I heard about for the following month . I was kicking myself for even mentioning it to him because other than the announcement and her photo on the site , I could not find her listed in the photo ops , the panels , or autograph sessions . There was just no indication of where she would be . DC was and still is a huge fan of Even Stevens , particularly " Even Stevens Influenza - The Musical " which for some reason has never been released on Video , DVD or Blue Ray . Still , he knows every word to every song and has been able to find most of the clips on YouTube . Because of Christy , he is also a big fan of Cadet Kelly and Kim Possible . Again , I will say that I am so happy we went on Friday night ! I was on a mission to find her or at least where she would be when we came back on Saturday . I knew that we could not leave RI without finding her . I would never have heard the end of it - never ! While we were waiting in the Supernatural room on Friday night , we happened upon the only helpful volunteer that we came across over the entire weekend . We asked him ( very quietly ) where we could find Christy Carlson Romano . Luckily , he knew who she was and he directed us to the " Animation Room " . The Animation Room was over a bridge in a different building . We headed over there not expecting to see her , but hoping to find her table so we would know right where to go on Saturday . Personally , I would have loved to have spent more time in that room - there were so many other people I would have liked to see , but we were on a mission . We came around the corner and there she was at her table with only one person in line ! I did not know whether DC would be able to control himself or not when he saw her . We got in line and DC jumped up and down and squealed while she was trying to talk to the people in front of us . Me ? I was so relieved to have found her that I didn 't think to give DC my usual instructions - don 't touch her hair , don 't pick her up . The moment the people in front of us left the table , DC charged behind the table before I could stop him and gave her a back - crushing hug . I was worried that we were going to have another Snow White incident ( see : Rules I thought I would never have to make ) , but he was able to restrain himself , or he remembered the rule without being reminded . In either case , he did not pick her up . But , " Don 't rush the table " is now officially added to THE LIST . DC is a big boy man and I would not blame anyone for being frightened seeing him bounding towards them . I have to hand it to her , she was not and if she was she hid it well . She was so fabulous with him . She spoke to him in a happy excited voice , which just excited him more . She held his hands , possibly in self defense , but it didn 't matter - he loved it . She asked him questions . She sang part of the Kim Possible song . She asked him his favorite song and he went right into a partial rendition of " We Went to the Moon in 1969 " Meeting her was the highlight of the weekend . Yes , he was over the moon when he met Alex Kingston ( see : Hello Sweetie ) , but this was even better . This was right up there with meeting Cinderella for the first time . After a fantastic time on Friday night , we ventured back on Saturday , knowing full well that it would be much more crowded and we would not be able to do much more than the photo ops we still had scheduled . Before heading to the photo - op room , we took one more swing by the Supernatural and Walking Dead rooms , just to see if there was anyone there that hadn 't been there on Friday night . Sure enough - there was " Merle " ! We got in line . Again , DC does not know who he is and again , he would be acting as my stand in . There were two women in front of us that asked me to take their photo with Merle ( Michael Rooker ) and of course I obliged . Knowing as we do how DC can not resist a camera , especially one in his mother 's hands ; he jumped in the photo with the two women . The more I tried to explain to him that he was next and he needed to move out of the ladies ' picture the more he held his ground and the bigger the smile became . I finally had to go over and take him by the arm away from the picture . Unfortunately it was not my camera or I would have certainly taken a picture of DC photo bombing Michael Rooker , but alas … I only have the one that we took when it was DC 's turn . Jim Beaver was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 15 and the other was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 . We decided to get Jim Beaver done first . Explaining the conflict to a volunteer in order to find out how early we could get in line for Jim Beaver , I took out my printed , bar coded ticket that clearly stated : " You must present this ticket with the Bar Code and e - mail address visible " to double - check the time I had written on the ticket . She looked at it and told us we could probably get in line at about 12 : 30 . We walked around a bit and went back to get in line at the time she had given us . I gave the same volunteer my ticket and she said " Oh no , we can 't take those paper tickets . You have to get in that line over there and trade them in for cards . " The " line " outside the corralled line went all the way through the arena and through all of the vendor booths . We had to keep checking that we were actually still in the line and not just stuck behind people at the vendor tables . I 'm sure the vendors were just thrilled that the line was blocking their tables and customers from getting at their tables . When one is in a line for such a long time , one begins to bond with the people in close proximity . There was a boy in front of us that looked to be about 15 years old . He was with a friend about the same age . We discussed The Walking Dead for quite some time . We discussed our " Glen ' theories ( this was during the " Is Glen dead " or " Is Glen under the dumpster " weeks of limbo ) . I told him that I thought that because they were carrying it on so long that we would find out finally that yes , Glen is alive and because we would all be so happy about that , they would kill him ( or Maggie ) off very shortly afterwards ( that 's my theory and I am sticking to it ) . Eventually he asked me about how much I paid for the photo - op ticket . I told him I really didn 't remember because I bought it so long ago on - line . He said , " I have 50 . 00 on me , that should be enough , right ? " . This would be the first time my heart broke in this line . I looked at him and said " Please don 't tell me you don 't have a ticket yet . " He didn 't . He thought he would be able to buy one when he got to the front . He didn 't know that they had to be purchased before getting in the line . He had been in line with us at that point a good 45 minutes . I told him not to get out of line until we could find out for sure . We got the attention of a volunteer to see if he could buy a ticket at the front of the line . He couldn 't . I felt so bad for them ! But again , there was no guidance at all . There were no signs , there was no one checking for tickets , there was no one to tell anyone exactly what they were supposed to do . Somewhere around the hour mark , we made it to the corral and the actual line . This is where the confusion really began . We just stopped moving . The photo - op was way over it 's 45 minute scheduled time . People were now really confused because no one was explaining why we stopped - were we now in line for the next person ? Is Karen Gillian gone ? While we were all standing there wondering why we stopped moving , we noticed that there was a good number of people sitting up in the bleachers and they were now being directed down to the line . Those 50 or more people were actually ahead of us but there were so many people at the entrance to the corral , it was considered a fire hazard so they had to move them out . Seriously , what did they expect when they sold probably triple ( maybe more ) the photo ops that can be taken in a 45 minute session ? There were too many people in line . There were people getting in line for whoever was supposed to have that room after Karen Gillian - no one is telling any one what to do . This had to cause scheduling conflicts not only for the attendees but for the celebrities that may have had to be at a panel , or at their tables , or for the people coming to the op rooms next . We stood in this same spot for another 30 minutes . People were beginning to worry that she would leave before everyone in line made it inside . In front of us was a woman and her two daughters - the second group of people that we bonded with in this line . We talked for a long while and when DC started yelling " I 'm out of here ! " over and over again , the girls went out of their way to talk him down . We saw pictures of them in their Halloween costumes - all Dr . Who themed . DC enjoyed that . They were wonderful and I believe they were almost solely responsible for keeping him in line . We finally started to move and made it into the corral . The corral moved quickly and it was the mother and the two little girls ' turn to go in . The mother showed the volunteer her electronic tickets on her phone which earlier in the day she was told would be fine . But in true RI Comic - Con form was told that THEY WERE NOT GOOD . THEY ' D HAVE TO GO AND EXCHANGE THEIR TICKETS TOO ! ! ! ! An hour and a half in line and no one saw fit to announce this or check with the people in line about this change with the paper and apparently now the electronic tickets ? At this point , the little girl who was so excited to show me her Amy Pond - complete with suitcase and boots ( she already had the red hair ) - Halloween picture , burst into tears and they left the line . I just stood there in shock ! We were next and of course , me being me , could not keep my mouth shut . I screamed at the volunteer collecting tickets . " That girl just stood in this line for an hour and a half and you just made her cry ! You can 't just change the ticket procedure and not tell people ! " Then … . I noticed him holding a bunch of tickets cards ( like we had to exchange our paper tickets for ) AND he also had a handful of paper tickets ! ! ! " And WHY are you holding paper tickets ? We were told they were not good and had to exchange them ! Why are you taking paper tickets ? Why wouldn 't you take the electronic tickets if you are taking the paper tickets that you aren 't supposed to be taking ? ! " Say it with me … . . " I don 't know , I 'm only a volunteer . " There may or may not have been a few choice ' words ' thrown in his general direction . We went inside . DC was DONE with this , but even though she was an hour and a half , I believe , over her scheduled time , Karen really did make an effort to chat quickly with him . He really was just too distracted and over it by this time and once again they made him take his glasses off , so that was fun . I was distracted too about little Amy Pond crying and did not intervene as much as I would normally have to redirect him to get him back on track . We took the picture and left the room but we had to wait for the photo to come out . While Doug waited for the picture , I went on a hunt to find this woman and if she wasn 't going to yell at people to get them back in that line in front of everyone , I was going to yell at people for her . I could not get over the sight of that poor kid bursting into tears . I could not find them anywhere so DC and I went back to where we had left Doug waiting for the picture . It finally came out and DC seemed happy to see it even though he was not thrilled when he was having it taken . We decided that we had been there quite long enough for that day . We did have one more op scheduled with Scott Wilson but we already had a photo of him that we took at his table the night before so I had Doug just give it away . I know this was a colossal waste of money but I just couldn 't put DC though that again . He was done and so was I . I do understand that waiting and lines are the norm . We have been to NY Comic - Con which is much larger and of course we waited - of course it was crowded and of course there were lines , but it was just so much more organized . There was no comparison . ( I have a lot to say about our visit to the Rhode Island Comic - Con . Some good ; some not so much . Everyone we met was very nice . Now I understand that they are supposed to be , but we all know that it isn 't always the case . There were a few people who were just extraordinarily wonderful to DC , so I want to be sure I mention all of them . Because I have so much to say about the entire event ; Autism - related and not , I have decided to split the story up into a few parts , by category rather than in order by the day ) I will say again that I am so glad we went on Friday night just to get the lay of the land for Saturday . It was not crowded at all . We saw and did more that I ever imagined we would get to do - of course this also means that I spent so much more money than I had intended . But how could one pass up all of these people just standing around waiting for the crowds that didn 't come until Saturday ? DC really took a shine to him even though he didn 't know who he was . He was a nice man with grey hair and a beard and that was good enough for him . I took his picture with DC and then he insisted that I get in a shot ( a photo that will never see the light of day ) . Also in the Walking Dead room was Seth Gilliam - DC does not know him either , but he was happy to have his picture taken ( still standing in for Mom ) - he is always happy to have his picture taken . Technically we were there to figure out where everything was in anticipation of the crowds on Saturday and we could already see that there was no information readily available . It was very important to DC that we find one particular person before the weekend was done . We asked THE only Volunteer that would prove to be helpful during this entire weekend . He gave us directions to another area that we never would have found on our own ( more about his favorite person in another installment ) . While walking around this area we came upon Alex Kingston 's table . This was the one and only table where we found a line that entire night . We did have a photo op scheduled for the following day , but we got in line anyway . This was one of the very few times that our VIP tickets came in handy and they whisked us to the front . At this point DC was so excited he began squealing and stimming . She and most of the people in line seemed to be getting a kick out of just how excited he was . Fortunately there was a table between her and him because if there hadn 't been , he would have headed straight for all of that hair . She signed his photo with " Hello , Sweetie " , which just sent him further over - the - top with his squealing . We left the table with DC yelling and waving " Good - bye " to her and then of course a big " Good - bye everybody " complete with a bow , to the rest of the people in line . We walked around a little bit more . DC stopped quite a few random people in costume and insisted on having his picture taken with them . Most of the people he stopped were dressed as princesses and they all obliged . I decided that we should try to find the photo op area so we would not spend Saturday searching . We did eventually find it . They were holding the photo ops in the arena - it was large enough but it was also full of vendors . We looked around at some of the vendor tables and noticed that the schedule on the wall ( the only information available about anything was the current photo op schedule and the panel schedules ) was showing that Alex Kingston was in one of the photo op rooms right then . We had a ticket for the following day , but due to the many conflicts on Saturday , I thought it would make my life so much easier to be able to get at least one out of the way on Friday . It never hurts to ask , right ? There was NO ONE in line , no one - really - that was just how dead it was there on Friday night . While DC was checking out an Anna ( Frozen ) doll at one of the vendor booths , Doug went over to ask . He came back with a " yes " . Needless to say , he was quite the happy guy when we left the venue on Friday night ! He had such a great night all around there on Friday . It could not have been more perfect for him . ( I have a lot to say about our visit to the Rhode Island Comic - Con . Some good ; some not so much . Everyone we met was very nice . Now I understand that they are supposed to be , but we all know that it isn 't always the case . There were a few people who were just extraordinarily wonderful to DC , so I want to be sure I mention all of them . Because I have so much to say about the entire event ; Autism - related and not , I have decided to split the story up into a few parts , by category rather than in order by the day ) Let me first say that I am a huge fan of Jim Beaver . I have been since his time on Deadwood . Jim Beaver was one of the reasons I became a fan of Supernatural - yes , Sam was Dean on The Gilmore Girls so I may have been leaning in that direction anyway , but Jim Beaver gave me the push I needed . DC is also very aware of the show , but other than Sam and Dean ( who were not there ) , Jim Beaver ( aka Bobby ) is really the only other cast member that I knew for sure he would recognize . Why is DC familiar with Supernatural ( or the " Don 't you cry no more " show ) you ask ? Well DC loves music , but his musical choices do not usually come from what he hears on the radio unless it is a Disney song or a song from a movie he has seen . There are only a handful of songs that I can think of that he knows specifically from the radio - Carry On Wayward Son , just happens to be one of them . He zoned right in on the " Don 't you cry no more " line and it has been a favorite of his since . We didn 't have a lot pre - scheduled for Friday night at Comic - Con . One op I had scheduled was Brent Spiner who had cancelled his appearance a few weeks earlier ( " From this moment on , you are my mortal enemy ! " ) so I thought we would use Friday night to just go and get the lay of the land before Saturday when I was sure it would just be mobbed . We really did not expect to see many people or do very much that night , I just really wanted to figure out where everything and everybody was going to be . As it turned out , Friday was the best day of the event for us . It was not crowded at all and we got to do and see an awful lot . As we were walking and looking around I noticed that there were no lines at many of the autograph tables . Then we came upon the " Don 't you cry no more " room . The first table belonged to none other than Jim Beaver ( be still my heart ) - he was not there but the tablecloth was not turned up covering the photos for sale as others were so I assumed that he would be right back . We did have a photo op scheduled with him on Saturday , but photo ops are usually very hurried , so I thought this would be a good opportunity for DC to see him and not feel so overwhelmed and rushed . When we went over to stand at his table and wait , a boy who looked to be about 12 came over to us and asked us if we were in line . DC , who seldom initiates a conversation or a greeting , took one look at this boy , who looked just like a younger version of his friend * Ron from Camp and excitedly in his high - pitched squeaky DC voice squealed " Hello there ! My name is DC Last Name . How are you ? It is nice to meet you ! " . He grabbed his hand and shook it so hard the boy 's entire body was shaking . The boy was so very nice . He was not taken aback by DC 's squealing and excitement . The smile never left his face . He answered him , let him shake his hand again and told him his name ( which unfortunately I do not remember ) . He then went back to stand with his mother just outside the room . While we were standing there , I noticed Samantha Ferris at the next table . I asked DC if he wanted to go over there while we were waiting . He said No - he didn 't want to get out of line - even though we were the only ones in said line ; we were in line and in DC 's mind , that was all there was to it . I told him that we would not miss Jim if we went to the next table for a minute . Samantha is a pretty woman with long hair so I knew he wanted to go over there if not for anything else but the long hair but … . he was in line . I finally convinced him that we could go and come back to Jim 's line afterward . He finally agreed . Once there , he did get very excited . He told her his name and told her where he lived . Again , he was more conversational than usual . She was wonderful with him . She asked me questions but she also directed some questions to DC ( which we know does not always happen ) . She asked how he became a fan and I explained the song connection . She sang a few bars of ' Carry On ' for him - which just thrilled him to death . She asked him if the show ever frightened him . He said " No " . I began to explain to her how we talk about the fact that the show is only … . - DC piped in with - " Make - believe " . We talked about one of the loves of his life , Felicia Day ( a recurring character ) who he had the opportunity to meet a few years ago at NY Comic - Con . Samantha certainly added a new fan to her list that night ! As soon as we were finished there , DC immediately wanted to go " back to the line " ( there was still no line ) and Jim had not returned . Samantha told us he would be right back , so back to the " line " we went . DC started getting a little bit anxious while waiting but fortunately not too over the top . Someone ran by us and said " We 'll let him know someone is waiting " and before I had the chance to finish telling them that it was not necessary to rush him , they were gone . Eventually when he did come out , he looked a bit out of sorts ; not the " I don 't want to be here " out of sorts - he looked as if something was wrong or something had happened . I felt bad and hoped that the powers that be did not make him come out just for us . He apologized and said there had been a slight emergency , which I absolutely believe due to the almost shaken look on his face . Now I felt even worse . Of course the first thing out of DC 's mouth was " I have been looking all everywhere for you " . Then for some reason , probably because he was zoning out a bit at this point , he called him " Jake " instead of Jim or Bobby . He got his " DC picture " as he called it , so he was happy . We turned to leave and there was the boy from earlier . DC again very excitedly , shook his hand , gave him a hug and told him he loved him ( the asking permission before hugging anyone rule went completely out the window that weekend ) - the boy , as before , went along with all of it thankfully . What an extraordinary child ! I wish I could send him many gifts ! We had three photo ops scheduled on Saturday . I purchased Jim Beaver way back in July and the others at later dates . The only information listed when purchasing a photo op on - line was the day ; Friday , Saturday or Sunday . When they did finally post the scheduled times I discovered that Jim Beaver and another were listed at the same time . I have to imagine that this happened to many other people as well . On our way to the most unorganized photo op room I have ever seen , DC announced that he needed to " Flap his Wings " . It was just too crowded for him to flap where we were at the time but we did manage to find a corner almost under the bleachers for him to flap . I had him jump up and down a bit too while we had the space , just to try to get it all out . Then we headed to the area where the photos were to be taken . Jim Beaver was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 15 and the other was scheduled for 12 : 45 - 1 : 30 . We we decided to get Jim Beaver done first . Explaining the conflict to a volunteer in order to find out how early we could get in line for Jim Beaver , I took out my printed ticket with bar code that clearly stated : You must present this ticket with the Bar Code and your e - mail address to double check the time I had written on the ticket . She looked at it and told us we could probably get in line at about 12 : 30 . We walked around a bit and revisited the " jump and flap " area for one final go . Then we went back to get in line at the time she had given us . I gave the same volunteer my ticket and she said " Oh no , we can 't take those paper tickets . You have to get in that line over there and trade them in for cards . " I followed the direction of her pointing finger to the mob scene , she referred to as a line , and questioned the ticketing process . This was supposed to be our ticket . " I don 't know , I 'm just a volunteer , but don 't worry ; he 's not here yet " . Firstly , I can not tell you how many times I heard " I don 't know , I am just a volunteer " that day and secondly , the issue was not whether he was there or not , it was about trying to get closer to the front due to our time conflict . We went over and got at the end of the " card " line . While waiting and out of the blue , DC decided to hug the man dressed as Mr . Spock who was in front of us in the card line . Fortunately again , Spock had no problem with this random hug from a stranger . He explained that he has three children on the spectrum , so he was not fazed by it at all . We talked special needs programs for a bit until it was our turn to trade in our tickets . We finally made it out of that line with our " cards " but by the time we got back to the photo line the entire fenced in area was full and our place in line was outside of the roped in area . The volunteer saw us and yelled . " Don 't worry , he 's not in there yet " - again , not the point ! Doug , who unlike me can usually put up with just about anything , went ahead and spoke to a volunteer at the head of the line . Shortly thereafter a different volunteer came and moved us to the front of the line . I have written before that I do not generally look for accommodations for DC and I did not here . I always want him to try . I did purchase VIP tickets because of DC but this is not Comic - Con or the convention center making accommodations for my son , that is me paying more money to accommodate my child on my own . We did what we were supposed to do . We discovered the scheduling conflict . We planned ahead to get in line early , not earlier than anyone else would be allowed to , but as early as was allowed . We had the proper tickets , only to be told that we didn 't . So for anyone that might be wondering or is waiting to pounce ; we were not moved to the front due to DC 's autism - we were moved to the front due to the total unorganized way that this event was run ( there is more , trust me ) . After all of this , it was finally our turn to see Jim Beaver . DC did attend one photo op on Friday night ( paper tickets were accepted then and there was no mention of a card ticket ) . Because of the Friday op , DC was expecting Jim Beaver to be standing on the same side of the room as the person was the night before . He wasn 't - he was on the side of the room closest to the curtain where we entered . DC walked into the room , and headed straight to the other side never noticing Jim Beaver standing right there . DC was looking around very confused so I turned him around and brought him back to Jim , who was looking rather confused himself and probably wondering what was going on . The photographer took one picture and asked if he would take off his glasses for another . DC , who does not like to part with his glasses immediately said " No " , but he did give in and give them to me . Now he was wearing his crabby face . As soon as they pointed that camera at him , DC being DC , immediately put on his big photo smile . One of the assistants commented about just how quickly he was able to turn on that smile . Yes , sir . That 's my boy - always the ham . One can not point a camera at or around him and not get that smile . As soon as the picture was taken DC 's only concern was getting his glasses back . He started walking out without even saying good - bye or thank you , he just wanted the glasses . He did remember his manners after being reminded . I do not usually have to remind him but I know that all that he was thinking at this point was getting out of there before anyone tried to take his glasses again . DC ( always the actor - wiping his forehead ) " Phew , I did it ! " He had his picture , he had his autograph , both of which will be added to his wall of fame at home and he got his glasses back . Even with the all of the confusion and chaos ( there was more ) , my boy really did a great job of it . We will put the Supernatural portion of our weekend in the win column ! Last October , we finally made it to New York Comic - Con . I was nervous - it was so crowded , but the hope of meeting Felicia Day , kept DC pretty much on track . He also got to meet William Shatner and the Real Mike Tee Vee . All were very nice to him and he was very , very happy . A few years back a friend of mine told me about " Shore Leave " , an event held in Baltimore every August . It is smaller than ComicCon and the original plan was to try this first , see how DC managed it and then move on to the bigger ' Con ' in NY at a later date . Somehow we ended up doing it in reverse . But , since DC did so well at ComicCon we decided Shore Leave would be a breeze . We left on Thursday afternoon as soon as DC came home from his work program . Our 5 hour drive to Baltimore somehow turned into an 8 hour haul . We opted not to stay at the hotel where the event was being held as we were planning on doing a few other things in Baltimore while we were there and I really thought it would be just too much for DC . We had reservations at the Holiday Inn - Timonium . We finally arrived a little bit after 11pm . The man at the desk checked us in to room 717 . We headed up to the 7th floor in the slowest elevator known to man - reverse warp speed . We opened the door to room 717 and found that the door was bolted from the inside and soon a man 's face was looking at us through the 6 inch space in the door . He wanted to know what we were doing and why we had a key to his room . We explained that we had just checked in and this was the room we were given . He explained that HE had just checked into this room moments before . DC does not understand this , he wants to " go to the room " . Fortunately a hotel employee was in the hallway and called down to the desk . He got the desk clerk to assign us a different room on the same floor , let us in with his master - key and went down to switch out the keys for us . We were now checked into room 725 . At about 11 : 45 , the room phone rang . It was the desk clerk . He has forgotten our name ( ? ? ! ! ) - we had reservations so he should have all of that information , but I gave him our name again . At midnight , the phone rang . It was the desk clerk once again , this time calling to tell us he would have someone slip free breakfast coupons under our door for our inconvenience . We thanked him and hoped this would be the end of the phone calls for the evening . We spent Friday at the Inner Harbor . DC of course spotted the Barnes and Noble and Hard Rock " Caf " ( DC - speak ) so , you bet we had to visit both places . It was a nice day and we had a very nice time . We got back to the room at about 4pm to discover that no one had come to clean . I thought that was odd , but given the debacle of the night before , I really didn 't think too much about it at the time . We would be heading back out in an hour so there wasn 't much point to calling anyone to clean at that time of day . Reading the Shore Leave schedule , I noticed that there was a " Rock , Paper , Scissors , Lizard , Spock " tournament at 6pm . DC loves the Big Bang Theory and thinks " Rock , Paper , Scissors , Lizard , Spock " is the most hysterical thing he 's ever heard . He does not really know what it means , the words are just so funny to him . I thought if we attended the tournament , he would see exactly what it is … . a game . I didn 't think he would actually understand the game , but at the very least he might understand what they are talking about in the show . When we first walked in , the moderator was explaining the rules , reading from a very confusing T - shirt , complete with diagrams and pictures of the signs . One of the participants piped up " That boy has the directions right on his shirt " - I don 't think the moderator appreciated this , he looked up , sighed and went right back to explaining with HIS T - shirt . DC got a kick out of the tournament and asked me more than once " to play " . I knew he really didn 't understand it and thought about asking the moderator if someone could play a quick game with him when they were finished , but during the practice rounds I did with him , I could see he really didn 't get it . He just threw whatever I threw . I told him he could play against me . We played at the table while the tournament was in progress . This seemed to make him happy enough . After the tournament we were walking down one of the hallways and I noticed the TARDIS in the corner and pointed it out to DC . He recognized it immediately yelling , " Dr Who " We went to check it out . It was a photo booth . I don 't know what sort of directions the man gave DC when he was in the booth , but I could see from the computer screen outside that every time " Look at the Camera " came up on the screen , DC did something with his hands and his face , when the prompt was not there he sat looking at the screen normally . I 'm sure he was following his understanding of the directions the man gave him . He also happened to find a pair of TARDIS slippers . There were only two pair on the table , but thankfully one pair was his size . He was pretty darn happy to get them . He has a " thing " about slippers lately , I don 't know why . He has a few pair of slippers at home but never wanted to wear them , all of a sudden he loves slippers and wears them all of the time . The Tardis slippers were a nice find for him . Pictures taken , slippers purchased , now DC was beginning to get antsy . He had enough for one night and as you may or may not know , DC 's favorite thing when on vacation - besides bookstores and restaurants , that is - is the hotel room . He really just LOVES hotel rooms , so he was anxious to get back . We arrived back at the hotel at a little after 9 . Jokingly , I said to Doug , " I hope they didn 't give our room to someone else " We got to the door and the key would not work , none of our keys worked . There were 2 women just down the hall going into their room and I heard one say to the other , " Now look , their keys won 't work " and they asked us if our keys worked . We told them that they didn 't . They proceeded to inform us that they had just checked in and they were assigned room number 725 ( our room ) . They opened the door , went in and realized that this was clearly someone else 's room ( especially as you know , no one had come to clean it that day ) . They had just been down at the desk to have it corrected and in the process the people at the desk deactivated our keys . We went back down to the desk and informed them that once again , we were stuck in the hallway . Last night they had us walking into someone else 's room and tonight they sent strangers into our room . The women at the desk said that when the desk clerk switched our room the night before he didn 't mark it down - which explains why no one came to clean - they thought it was empty ( but why did he call to ask our name ? ? - That will remain a mystery ) . One woman offered us free breakfast coupons for the rest of our stay ( they must have to give out an awful lot of those ) - I informed her that we had already been given coupons the night before for that error . They didn 't offer anything else . I could be wrong , but it did seem as though the women that walked into our room that night were upgraded to a suite - but , I could be wrong …………… . On Saturday morning , we decided to take in the " Fairy Tale Panel " back at Shore Leave . DC must have been much more exhausted from Friday than I realized as he fell asleep and slept ( in the front row , mind you ) throughout the entire hour . 200lbs of dead weight hanging on me the entire time - just what you want when you are running a panel , someone fast asleep in the front row ! He did also sleep through the Once Upon a Time panel at ComicCon , but at least it was a dark room and we were nowhere close to the front . I suppose it could have been worse , he could have been snoring . Our first stop was Robert Picardo . I explained to DC that he was once on a Star Trek ( Voyager ) . His sign read " I 'm the Doctor " . This confused DC , he knew it wasn 't David Tennant , the only Dr . he is aware of , but the sign did say " I am the Dr . " so he called him Dr . Who . We then headed to THE most confusing Photo Op line ever . We had tickets for 3 Photo Ops which meant we had to get in line 3 times . The lines did move quickly , but it was all very confusing trying to figure out where we were supposed to be . The woman at the entrance to the photo room just Ooo 'd and Ahh 'd over DC every time we arrived for a photo . " Oh ! Look at him , he is so excited ! " - he was , plus there is no one that loves to have their picture taken more than DC does . Next up was Eve Myles . She was a few minutes late getting to the photo room and when I saw her coming down the hallway , I got a little bit anxious . Her hair was much longer than it is on TV and in photos . DC LOVES long hair , LOVES it ! Before we were faced with another ' Snow White Incident ' I launched into " the rules " . Next and thankfully , last as DC was tired of getting in and out of lines … . Silas Weir Mitchell . I love Grimm . DC has seen it a few times , but I don 't think he really knew who he was . It didn 't faze him because , someone was taking HIS picture and isn 't that really all that matters ? At this point , DC was starting to get edgy . Our last stop was the Eve Myles autograph table . We had a good 1 / 2 hour wait until she was finished with the Q & A she was leading . We slipped inside to listen and more importantly to move DC out of the hallway . There was a wonderful lady sitting at the table who just happened to be a Special Ed teacher ( we seem to run into Special Ed teachers everywhere we go , she was the second on this trip ) , she let DC pick out the photo he wanted autographed early . He picked a photo of Ms . Myles from a Merlin episode . We chatted a bit , she chatted with DC a bit as well . She told him he was doing a good job waiting - he loves compliments , who doesn 't . The Dalek from the Tardis photo booth was now roaming the hallway " EXTERMINATE ! " , so that helped to keep him occupied until Ms . Myles was finished with her Q & A . When she arrived at the table , the woman whispered something to her and then introduced her to DC . She told her that he was waiting a long time for her . He was first in line for her autograph , she was lovely to him . He was thrilled … . . I didn 't try to push him to do any more . We arrived that morning at 9 and it was now after 3 . That was a long stretch for him , even with the nap . He had a few sketchy moments throughout the day , but I really I think , overall he did a fantastic job ! DC completed his first full year of " work " . He transitioned into it very well . Me ? I am the one still having a problem calling it " work " and not " school " , the " car " is here , instead of the " bus " . I panic each time a school vacation comes along because I have to make plans for DC while I 'm working , until I realize he doesn 't get those weeks off anymore ; he 's working . The transition seems to be much more difficult for me than it was for him . My " Broadway Baby " also has a volunteer job as a Greeter at a local theater , with a job coach of course . He loves it and does well . The shifts are long , but he makes it through and he is happy when he gets home . How many of us can say we have our Dream Job ? DC has his . He has been asking to do more things " All by myself " , like making his lunch for school work , his breakfast , making his bed and shaving . " All by myself " means he doesn 't even want me in the room ( a good thing with the shaving …… . I make him nervous - me ? - " Mom , are you still here ? " ) . This year we skipped our annual Halloween trip to either Salem or Sleepy Hollow and decided to go to New York ComicCon . To say it was crowded is an understatement . He did well . Yes , he was anxious , but he controlled himself as best he could . Mike TeeVee came at the perfect moment . DC was getting anxious so we were on our way off the show floor because I could see he was getting upset . We happened upon " Mr . TeeVee " on the way . No line , as I don 't think anyone realized he was there yet . He was very nice and was able to spend some extra time with DC . DC calmed down right away . He waited in line for an HOUR and A HALF to see the love of his life , Felicia Day . Do you remember when your kids were little ? When they would finally eat or do something that they never would before and you were afraid to even look at them for fear they would stop ? This is exactly how I felt standing in that line with him . I don 't think I was even breathing . Fortunately she came out early and we were relatively close to the front of the line , so I knew we were " home free " at that point . He was excited when she came out but then he turned to me and said " I am very nervous about this " . He has used the word " nervous " up to this point only when there was a storm , never about meeting anyone . I think he realized right then and there that the people he sees on TV or in the movies are real people AND that this person , that he adores , is someone special . He was also able to meet William Shatner . He does know who that is due to his mother ( me ) . He was very nice to him as well but " no pictures please " . We did forget to tell him that DC was born on his birthday ; maybe that would have rated us a picture - but live and learn . His Uncle asked him to sing Edelweiss at the table on Christmas Eve . DC is , and always has been , a ham so I was surprised that he sang the song , looking only at me and then buried his head in my arm when he was finished . Bashful ! Embarrassed ! I don 't know if this is a good thing or not , BUT , it IS a new reaction and a new emotion so I will add this to the Plus Column as well . This was our very first " Con " and me , in my infinite wisdom , decided not to start small . Nope … . New York City … . Huge … . Mega Crowds … . but I have to say that it really went well . Even though we would be in the city for the entire weekend ( New York City is DC 's favorite place in the world ) I opted for just the one - day / Saturday ticket . I knew that being in New York and not walking around the city and the crowds that I was anticipating would not make for a very happy guy . If this was a bust with DC at least there would be the bright spot of spending the rest of the weekend visiting his favorite places - Hard Rock , Central Park , Toys R Us , The Eloise Store in the Plaza and the Hershey Store . Just as we were making our way out of the vendor room because of the crowds , we happened upon Mike Tee - Vee . The real Mike Tee - Vee . Talk about a find ! DC was so happy ! If we had walked down a different aisle we would have missed him . Fortunately it was early and not too many people had happened upon him yet so he was able to take his time with DC . Waiting in line for Felicia Day . He had waited almost an hour and just as I thought he couldn 't take it anymore , she came out . She came out 20 minutes BEFORE her scheduled time . It was still another half hour before we made it to the front of the line but just seeing her up there kept him focused . Can 't love her more for doing that ! DC with Felicia Day … She was wonderful . She held his hands and asked him which Dr . Horrible song was his favorite . ( He was going to wear his Dr . Horrible costume , but changed his mind at the last - minute which was probably for the best ) DC loves " Penny " from Dr . Horrible but he also knows her from " Erica " ( Eureka ) . He was thrilled . She let us take a picture even though we were not supposed to ( as much as he loves her , I just could not make him stand in another line for a photo - op with her ) Lunch : Pretzels on the floor . The pretzel line was the only manageable line for food we could find . If he was not looking forward to dinner in the city later , THIS would not have gone over well at all . - * Note to self I told myself all day that I would not spend the money they are asking for William Shatner 's autograph . Well , I caved . How could I attend my first Comic - Con with William Shatner in attendance and skip him ? DC does know him of course because I am his mother . I was nervous but William Shatner was nice to him . We were not allowed to take photos ( and no , I was NOT going to pay for a photo - op ) , so this was the best we could do . We completely forgot to tell him that DC shares his birthday ! Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Everything is Related - Dr . Who Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .

I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . Crimson Duchess says : January 21 , 2015 at 6 : 30 am * smiles * I now post primarily on The Twisted Path Group . Please feel free to come walk the Path with us . I am listed there as Siara Tyr or , as my sisters have named me , the Silver Tongued Duchess 🙂 Thank you ♡

I don 't know wheter I believe in ghosts or not . I guess I 'm still thinking should I or shouldn 't I ? There was one experience that happened to me when I was around ten or so ( I was very mature for my age back then ) . It was a really warm summer 's day . I was sitting in my family 's kitchen alone , drinking some orange juice at the table . Before I go on , I have to describe somethings . Our kitchen was sunny and spacious , and the table was at the far end of the room . To it 's right was one of those giagantic glass sliding doors . It opened up to a huge backyard , which inclued a small jacuzzi ( my grandpa 's faviorite ) , a cactus garden at one side , our big vegetable garden next to it , and a small fish pond a few feet from the house . There was a willow tree that sort of obstructed my view of the jacuzzi , but I could still see it where I was sitting . Anyway , back to the story . I was sitting at the table , thinking about him . Eversince he had died , I kept wishing to see him one last time . Now , I was wondering what he was doing . About two seconds later , I felt this wierd sensation float over me . I stopped what I was doing and turned my head to look at our backyard . At first , the form I saw , standing next to the jacuzzi , was so bright , I thought it was sunshine reflecting off the jacuzzi 's metal poles . I looked down at my juice , but immediately I did a double - take . The form had dimmed down a little , and he was standing there . He was smiling and stroking his beard . For a second he looked directly at me , then he began evaporating and faded away . I started crying . I jumped off my chair , yanked the sliding door open , and ran outside to the spot he had stood . It wasn 't cold or anything , just really warm . I felt really sad , and I started screaming . My mom ran outside , wondering what was wrong . I kept telling her what I saw , but of course she didn 't believe me . She still doesn 't . I LOVE this page . I have DLed alot . I have very little to tell in the way of a haunting thought , I am afraid . The only unreal thing that happened to me was in 1967 , when I was ten . My mom , dad , and sister were at Expo ' 67 in Canada , and we were visiting the building that the USSR had made . The stairs going up and down were the short step kind that were very long . In other words they were only 6 inches high ( each ) , but they went up or down for an entire floor of the building . They were also ( the width ) very wide , almost 12 inches . Any way , my family was waiting for me at the bottom . I began to walk down the steps , and I tripped . They stairs were made of granite , and I realized that if I fell , I might well be at least injured , or worse . As I fell , I tried to regain my balance by trying to run to keep up with the momentum that I created by falling forward . I was in the middle of the steps and could not reach a handrail . ( the stair case was very wide , perhaps 8 feet . ) The next thing I knew , I was at the bottom , on both feet , unharmed , but out of breath . On the way down , I noticed my family was just looking at me . A very definate stare , and their mouths were opened , as gasping . In those scant seconds , I just assumed they wer just concerned . ( I was scared as heck ! ) Any way when I reached the bottom , my mother hugged me hard , and said " I can 't beleive what I just saw ! Your feet NEVER touched any of the steps on the way down . " A lady who had witnessed this event remarked that I should have fallen in a heap and have many broken bones , but some how SHE saw what my mom and family had . My dad was at a loss for words , and my sister thought I had something to do with " the flying " . She seemed anoyed at the time , but now realizes I flew down those steps . Guardian Angel ? Not my day to die ? Fate ? A miracle ? Call it what you will , but to this day , I have no idea how I got to the bottom . Any way , that 's it . No ghost story , but an interesting one yes ? When I was eleven or twelve , I was sitting with my father in our library reading a book and watching " Amadeus . " I looked up from my book and saw what appeared to be a three dimensional shadow moving in front of the television . It had arms , legs , a head , and a body , but it also had odd protrusions that I can 't describe . When it had gone out into the hallway , I looked at my father , who was also not moving . I never said anything about it to him , and he never mentioned it to me . I saw it about three more times that year , and never again . Back in 1989 my boyfriend committed suicide . He was a very mean and violent person and i often felt he had the devil inside him . That of course was not so but he put me thru so much abuse that was how i felt . I had left home with my children two days before he committed suicide , the police found him in our van Locked in the garage . The night before they found him i had dreamed the police were in our house and they handed me a bloody glove . The day after they found him i returned to the house and found the glove with blood on it on our kitchen table . Several days later i moved back in , his family stayed with me that night . Deep down inside i was still afraid of him . That night everyone fell sick . I knew then that he was still there . Thru the next few weeks things got worse . Lights would turn off after i turned them on . Pictures flew off the walls , My collie started howling at night and ran out the door one day never to return , But most of all the smell of death never ! ! left my house , the feeling of sadness in the house could always be felt . My two year old refused to sleep in her room , and the door was always shut , but the lights always managed to turn on . My four month old baby would sit on my lap and focus on thin air and smile and laugh . He was there I knew it , everyone else told me it was my imagination , But mirrors and pictures flying off walls were very real . I moved very far away and have never returned so i do not know if there has been a problem since then . At the age of six , my nephew was hit by a car and died from the injuries . He was the same age as me and we were very close emotionaly . My mother , father , and I spent a coulple of weeks with my sister after his funeral , then retuned to our home in another city . A few days after we had come home , my mother was in the shower and I was in front of my mirror in my bedroom brushing my hair when I saw my nephew in the reflection of the looking glass . He was standing in the air off the ground about 2 or 3 feet . At first I thought I was imagining things , but when I turned around he was still there . I remember that he spoke my name and said hello . I was surprised to hear that he had the same lipse in spirit that he had in mortality . I can 't remember the entire conversation , but I remember asking him if it had hurt him to die . He said that it had been painful to be hit by the car , but there was no reason to be afraid of death . It was actually a pleasant experience . My friend , Tammy , has always told me that the house was haunted . At first I didn 't believe her . She said that the ghost was a lady that used to live here a very long time ago . She also stated that usually every other night that the ghost would tap on the lamp beside her bed . The only way she could get it to stop is she would have to turn the lamp on , and then just leave it on . Now I know ghosts are real . My roommate , Allison , said she woke up one night and seen a little girl sitting on the foot of her bed , and the girl was just sitting there staring at her ! ! This scared me to death . Overall little things are always happening . For instance , if I am here and Allison is not I always hear things being shuffled or moved in her room . And if she is here and I am not she always hears things moving around in my room . It kind of sounds like someone is plundering through boxes or something . That is eerie . Sometimes the lady taps on our window . It is a very soft tap . Usually we just simply say , " Please stop ! " And she usually stops . One thing that happens often , is we hear someone open the door that leads downstairs to where we are , run down the steps , and when we look to see who it is there is no one there ! Usually I do not stay alone in the house , I guess I 'm a chiken . But , I 'm not scared enough to move out . Overall , the bad thing about living in a haunted house is that you never know what is going to happen next . The advantage is that you always have a good story to tell your friends . Now , most of my friends will not even come over and spend the night , not even by own boyfriend ! ! ! not to long ago i was going to school at the local high school . I had heard stories about how it was made . the story goes that when they were building it part of the ceiling in the senior hall let loose . It dropped and killed 2 men . It was left for many years until finally they started building again . People have said they have seen the ghost of these 2 men wandering around the building . I personally never believed it until my senior year . My locker was down in the senior end of the hall and i was at a basketball game cheerleading . i realized i had books in my locker that i should 've taken home that night . i found a custodian and asked him to let me into the main building for the books . he looked at me somewhat nervously then took out the key and let me in . As I walked through the doors i glanced back and saw him watching after me with a strange look in his eye . " careful " he called after me . i thought he was trying to scare me . The school was a lot scarier at night then it was during the day . the lights were low and my footsteps echoed . i kept glancing around nervously . When i finally reached my locker i opened it slowly and bent down to get my books . I could have sworn i heard footsteps , but thought it was my imagination . I didn 't think about it until i stood up and spun around . A large muscular man was standing behind me starring at me . I asked if he was looking for the gym and pointed down the hall towards it . He just stared at me in silence . Suddenly my book dropped and i must have jumped a mile . I bent to get the book and heard a voice . it simply called out " hey Micheal , let 's go ! " When i looked up the man was gone . I ran back to the gym more confused then scared . when i got back the custiodian just looked relieved . The next week i asked my friends mother about the builders who were killed . She told me that they were friends of her mothers and she knew them quite well . She told me that their names were Mike and Pete . Mike was a large man and Pete was kinda tiny . They were great friends and Pete had tried to save Mike from the falling ceiling . When I was about ten years old , I was sitting in my grandmothers drawing room ( Which was rumored to be haunted ) . Anyway I was sitting on a couch and suddenly I heard someone breathing . At first I thought that it was my breathing ( because the room was empty other than me ) but then it turned from breathing into panting and it was coming right into my ear ! I ran out of the room as fast as possible . This was only the first time . When I was 15 , the same cousins , my brother and sister and I decided to call a Ghost AGAIN ! ( Once wasn 't enough ) Again we said the same kind of things like " If there is any ghost here , please make contact " etc . Suddenly the Glass on which all of us had kept our fingers started to move . ( we all thought that one of us was doing it . ) So we asked the ghost if it was a male or female and it spelled out " male " . Then we asked the age which was 456 years . Then one of us asked whether the ghost knew any of us and if so he should go to their initials , and the pointer went to " N " which was the initial of one of my cousins . She was totally freaked and she started to cry saying that " Something is happening in my chest and I can 't breathe " Now we were all really scared . Then three of my cousins started feeling something heavy pressing against their chests . And the funny thing is that they all spoke about it at the same time so they could not have been bluffing . In 1990 I had a best friend who moved into a house in Milton , Wisconsin . I visited her several times a week , and she started to tell me that she felt something might be in the house … she heard footsteps and running downstairs after the children and she went to bed for the night . At first she thought someone had broken into the house , but upon investigation had come up with nothing ! The doors were still locked from the inside and the widows were all shut . The activities started to get stonger after a few months . I stopped by her house one day and went to her door for maybe 2 minutes to ask her husband where she was … when I returned to my car the headlights were on ( it was a bright , sunny afternoon ! ! ) When I told my friend about this , she said her mother in law had the same thing happen a week earlier ! One day I was visiting I noticed lights dancing on her livingroom ceiling … I checked the windows for the source of the light and the blinds were drawn … we stared at the lights for a few minutes then they slipped in the molding on the ceiling and disappeared . On another occasion she was perming my hair at the dining room table , and I was sitting facing the stairway that went up to the upstairs bedrooms . A young girl possibly 9 years old with long blonde hair , light colored shorts and a white t shirt ran past me and up the stairs … it didn 't hit me til she was already upstairs that it was not any of her children ! ! ! ! ! ! ( this was the first and only full fledged ghost that I have ever seen ! ! ! ) Other odd things happened in the house … my friend was a large woman who always wore this terry cloth romper in the summer when she cleaned the house … one day it disappeared and she tore the house apart looking for it ! ! ! She found it several months later in October when she was digging in the back of the closet looking for the kids halloween costumes . She pulled out a box with the costumes and decorations and there was her romper ! ! ! ! ! ( I asked her what thet told her ! ! ! ) Anyway , we were staying in one of Hotels located on the Strand , near the theater district . I usually went out on my own walking tour the city of London everyday . I always made sure I was back to the hotel room around 5 or 5 : 30 pm . This one particular day I came back a little early to relax and enjoy a cup of tea in the room before going out to dinner with my husband . I was reading the paper and I also had CNN on the t . v . for the days events . I was happliy sipping my tea , when I my eyes caught the movement of a lady in a fancy 1800 's dress walk away from the vanity and into the bathroom . I At first , I thought it might have been someone from housekeeping turning down the roon for the night . But dressed up in this type of garb ? I think not . I wasn 't afraid , I think I was more curious then frightened at this point . I didn 't see anyone in the bathroom at all . It was just a ghost in a very pretty dress and hat . I didn 't see her after that incident . It just so happened that the " uncle " had passed away in a chair . . important later . This occured at a time in which wakes were still common so my grandparents held one in their home . Somewhere between when the night ends and the day begins , a strange creeking noise was heard eminating from the coffin ! I would like to say that the corpse 's head spun or spoke or danced a jig , however , this was not the case . As I had mentioned , my uncle had passed in a sitting position . Either from rigermortis ( sp ? ) or some other muscle stiffening , the corpse had reverted to a seated position . I was visiting an old house that in the days of slavery helped runaways escape to freedom . I heard many stories of how the escape was accomplished but the thing that really bothered me was that when there were slave hunters above in the ministers home the women would sometimes have to suffocate their babies in order to save the rest of the groups lives . Everyone went on to see a grave outside of a little girl outside but I stayed in the hidden room for a moment . Everything was really quiet and I was just reflecting on the differant things that probably happened and the heartache that was probably endured . I heard a faint sobbing from a corner the dirtfloored room . There was an apperition of a black wornout women wearing tattered clothes and holding a limp baby then it vanished . I closed my drooping jaw and quickly exited the room . I worked at a Hallmark store in a strip mall . When the builders dug up the formerly empty field , they found a massive grave . Research had to then be done on the land . It turned out that the formerly empty field was at one time a poorhouse and another time a institution for the mentally ill . Presumably , when the inhabitants died , they were buried one on top of the other in one part of the property . After reburying the skeletons , the strip mall continued to be built and was eventually completed . I began working part time at the store . Over time , the employees there began to notice strange occurances . Rapping could be heard on the walls , displays would fall over of their own accord , and a stuffed bear hanging from a display , one night , decided to spin around at an extremely rapid rate at its own whim . It did this for maybe a minute and then suddenly stopped . The most interesting thing that happened , however , happened to random customers . Some would approach us and complain about a strange , adolescent girl watching them and frightening them . They all described her as wearing a long , old - fashioned blue dress , black boots and with long brown hair . No one else , save we employees and the lucky customer , would be in the store at the time . We never saw her , although we heard the rappings often enough , and felt cold drafts prior to her appearances . I never did find out who our ghost was , but the store is still there , and she never hurt anyone . My grandfather was a Baptist preacher from North Carolina . Most of the churches he pastored were in that state , but once he took a church in North Georgia . The parsonage was a fairly modern one - story brick house . When my family went to visit one weekend my grandparents shared a strange experience they had a few weeks prior … . . It was getting late one night , and they decided to go on to bed . It had been a rainy week and it was still raining as they got in bed . They said they laid in bed not able to sleep because of the storm outside . The lightning was awful and the wind blew the rain against the windows with great force . It gradually decreased and they thought they would be able to go on to sleep now . The house was quiet and the rain was light and steady outside . Suddenly they heard the sound of a key in the front door and the door opening . They lay frozen in bed as they heard someone come in the house and close the door behind them . Then they heard the person 's footsteps coming down the hall and right passed their bedroom door . ( Grandma and Grandpa are in the habit of sleeping with their bedroom door shut . ) They both listened as they heard the door of the bedroom , a little further down and across the hall , open and then heard a man let out an audible sigh and drop down on the bed in that ! ! room . Gathering courage , and thinking that this wasn 't the expected behavior of a robber , Grandpa got up and went to the other bedroom . No one was there ! He started for the living room and noticed that there were no wet footprints in the hall . When he got to the front door , of course it was locked just the way they left it . The next afternoon , they received a call . A man from a church in another town called to give some information for my grandfather to share with his congregation . The pastor of their church used to pastor my grandfather 's church years earlier and still had many close ties to people there . He had just passed away last night … . ( . close to the time my grandparents heard their visitor . ) There was a spot in the dining room that my dogs would not cross . They would walk around it as if someone was standing there . Occasionally , the two dogs would both sit and stare at that spot , looking up and wagging their tails just as they do if you are speaking to them . My friends and family , for the most part , think that I 'm either crazy or making these things up . One couple , who expressed their disbelief after my wife and I told them of the ghost , witnessed the dropping of two coins in our living room . The pennies dropped in the far corner of the room , rolled across the floor and ended up in front of the husband who then looked at me and asked , " How did you do that ? " This house was built in 1891 , and I lived in it 100 years later . If anyone out htere has any info on hauntings in the Pataskala area , I would like to compare notes . Feel free to email me . story My friend and I had heard about an old , abandoned ghost town in Conneticut , and decided to check it out . There is nothing left of this town except stone walls and a cemetary . The cemetary has one grave in it , that of a revolutionary war soldier who died in 1777 . While visiting at the grave site , we could hear in the distance the sound of a woman calling someone , perhaps a child . This is in the middle of a large forest , and there are no explanations for the source of this sound . We listened to these sounds for about three to five minutes , then it faded away . After visiting the town for a couple of hours , we decided to leave . When we got to the outskirts of town , the path passes through a stone wall . We sat to rest on the wall for a minute or so , and heard the un - mistakeable sound of a childs swing . This sound seemed to be no more than fifty feet awawy , but there was nothing but trees . Then , when the sound ended , we walked along the trail and heard the sound of a horse w ! ! alking by in front of us . These woods are open and visability is at least 300 feet . We still found no source for these sounds . One last thing happened that turned out to be the scariest part of the day . Nearing the end of the trail , we turned to see a mist on the trail , where we had just passed . This mist was about three feet wide and six feet high . The presence of the mist frightened us and we walked faster . We turned to check on this mist and found it to be following us . It seemed to move roughly the same distance we walked . The closest it got to us was about thirty feet away . We are making plans for a return trip to this site . We found it more interesting than scary . The mist was the only thing that seemed to alarm us , and that isnt scary now that I think about it as it was never threatening . I have heard this town referred to as " the village of voices " and am now a believer in the phenomenon that occurs there . story 1982 living in an apt in San Diego , my father was very ill from a stroke living in Phouenix . My Mom had called at around 8 pm to tell me that it wasn 't looking good for my dad to make it . I told her I would make plans to leave the next day . Went to sleep and around 3 AM was awakened my someone ( ? ) grabbing my ankles and giving them a brief shake . It went beyond a shake , though . It was amols electric and a fully awakened as if I wasn 't even groggy . I think I almost smelled him . I felt great . Needless to say my dad died around then . Not too many people kow this and I prefer to leave myself out of the story . story When I was younger , roughly in 1983 or so , I was visiting my grandmother at her home . My grandfather had died only a month or two before , and I was not anxious to visit for fear that I would see his ghost . ( I know , setting myself up to see his ghost , right ? ) The night I was there , I turned and felt some sort of look almost penetrating through my body , and preventing me from looking away from my Grandpa 's favorite chair . I saw him sitting there , just looking at me like he normally would of . I do not remember how long I sat and stared at him from the spot , but eventually I fell asleep , and that was that . The experience terrified me , and I have never forgotten it . In a side experience , my grandmother asked me if I had seen him the night that I did , and told me that he was a common sight around the house and sometimes spoke to her . I have viewed these stories for quite some time , and I feel it is time to tell my own . I am not sure if anyone out there has had any similiar experiences , but if you have , can you e - mail and explain this one to me ? Ok , here goes : When I was about nine or ten years old , I had a friend named Ruthie who lived in a big house out in the country . She had lots of woods around her property , a barn with cows , and a pond . It was the perfect place to just spend the summer days running wild . One day we were out in the woods just playing , talking , and hiking . We ended up , for some reason , seperating . I wasn 't scared , because I knew the woods well , but I did want to find her . I heard a noise behind me , and thinking it was her , turned around . Behind me stood a HUGE white wolf . I knew it couldn 't be a dog , because it was way too big , and I was sure just from looking at pictures of wolves that this was indeed a wolf . I was a bit scared , but since it was only about five feet away from me , I did not want to show it . The wolf just sat there , staring at me . I then heard another noise behind me , and hoping it was my friend , I turned around . It was my friend , and as I turned back around to face the wolf he was gone . My friend had not seen my wolf , and thought I was crazy . I knew better . I scoured the woods with my eyes as well as on foot , but nothing . When we got back to her house , I told her dad about my nature sighting . He laughed and said there were no wolves in Pennsylvania , and that I must have seen a dog . I am now 20 years old , and I still know that what I saw was no dog , it was a wolf , or something in the form of a wolf . I tend to believe the latter , because how could any animal dissapear into thin air in the space of about two seconds . And also because it was a wolf , and there are no wolves in PA . I guess I need to know why me , and why a wolf ? It was interesting , but really creepy . Any comments ? In January 1974 I attended a sleep over party with ten other 10 yr old girls in my hometome of Rochester , NY . . It was my first such party . After a night of ice skating , eating pizza and watching " The Six Million Dollar Man , " we climbed in our sleeping bags around 11 : 30 p . m . After much giggling , all was quiet at 1 a . m . as we all tried to get some sleep . We HAD NOT done any trances , levitation , ghost stories or any of the requisite slumber party antics ( that came as we got older ! ) . As we quieted down , a woman 's voice said clear as a bell , " It 's one o ' clock , girls . You should be in bed by now . " The voice came from the main entry way between the living room and dining room at the front of the house . All eleven of us were completely quiet and then we all shrieked , jumped out of our sleeping bags ( we were sleeping in the living room ) and tore through the dining room , through the kitchen and up the back stairs to the birthday girls ' parents ' room . We woke them from a sound sleep . The mother tried to tell us that it was Robin 's grandmother ( who lived several miles away ) who must have travelled to the house and was upset that we were still awake at 1 a . m . We weren 't buying that explanation . We were the only ones in the house ( besides the sleeping parents ) and what 70 + yr old women would travel alone on cold , snowy upstate NY night to stand outside her granddaughter 's house to scold her and her friends . The voice CLEARLY came from inside the house . We all calmed down and eventually fell asleep . We never had a satisfactory explanation for the " scolding voice . " I 'll never forget that voice or the intonation . Really not sure what it was , but it was witnessed by eleven people ( 10 yr old girls ) . Hard to discount something with that many witnesses who heard the exact same thing .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . I guess it was meant to happen sooner or later . I came to this town to relax and rest for the next decade or so . But someone brought in bleeding everywhere changed that . Now I 'm sitting with wolf elves looking at stars I don 't know . Let me back up a bit . Next thing I know , a man 's bleeding on a table , Ari 's lost her marbles , and we go trekking through the woods towards a cave marked in blood . Ari barely gave us enough time to gather something to take with . Shoot , I had to grab a walking stick along the way to make sure I was armed with something . But it did concern her missing sister so I can 't give her too much grief . The cave … The cave was too odd . It was so smooth everywhere . I almost wanted to say we were walking into a dwarven work until there was no mining equipment anywhere . But as we went farther , we finally found a part with stalactites from the ceiling . Glad to finally see something normal , we might have rushed in without looking too well . Spiders . Spiders everywhere . Gods on high , do I hate spiders . I just wanted them dead . Period . Until a couple seemed to pounce on me . I panicked and propelled myself backwards , willing a stalactite to crush them . My hands got hot , and before I could blink , magic sparks shot out and brought the thing down on them . I was a bit stunned , needless to say . After getting away from those damnable spiders , we continued on to try and find a sign of anyone . Instead , we managed to get the tunnel to collapse on either side of us to where we had to dig out . Since Ari was in a rush , we had no shovels . So I had to use my extensive knowledge from my travels to help get things moving without burying us alive . Ari managed to wiggle through an opening we made to work from the other side . But Magpie … As much as I like her , I wanted to wring her neck after this . She decided her judgement was better than mine and pulled whatever rock struck her fancy . Needless to say , it brought what was left on the rest of us and got us hurt a bit . Especially not good after Claern kept hurting himself helping move the rocks . But thankfully , there was open space to outside finally . But as I started to look around , I got a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach . The trees were too big . And worse , in my eyes anyway , the stars were completely wrong . I couldn 't help myself . That one fact scared me more than the spiders had . The stars had guided me for the last ten years in everything I had done . They were supposed to be as constant as the rising sun . But here I was , looking at twinkling strangers . I wanted to turn back so bad but no one would have it at all . As we continued on , we managed to find a clearing , where we were met by a couple wolves . I wanted to go around . I mean , the wolves weren 't attacking us right away as vicious or monstrous ones might . So why should we bug them ? It helped that it looked like they were already injured . Though I might have wanted to find a way to help them , it would have been better to go around them and leave them be . But Clearn had to decide to go up to them to get bit . So of course we defended him . I didn 't want to see them dead so I used the magic I had discovered earlier to work on knocking them out so we could get away and they would wake up fine a couple hours later . But as luck would have it , the first one I knocked out turned into an elf . I freaked out . I wasn 't trying to hurt anyone . Then the other wolf changed into an elf as well and charged me . She didn 't give me enough time to tell her I didn 't kill her sister like she thought , running me through with cold steel . I don 't think I even had time to register the pain before I blacked out on the ground . When I came to , I had been wrapped up with some cloth to staunch the bleeding . Now I 'm sitting here , looking at stars I don 't know in the company of elves who tried to kill me , hoping to make sense of what 's happened . But as the old adage goes : " There 's no rest for the weary . " What am I doing here ? I hate traveling . I have not done something so reckless in almost 80 years . I abandoned the inn , my family , and probably my sanity . My wife is going to be pissed ; I didn 't even think to explain anything to my daughter . What was I thinking ? It all started this morning when we met to show support for my daughter 's first meal , which I 'm now missing . An elf brought in a wounded man , who was part of the Flaming Wrath . The man was badly injured , and we could do little for him . Ardisia noticed a pendant he had in his hand ; it was Fern 's . This man had found Fern 's necklace . Upon seeing this Ardisia forced the man to tell where he had found it . As if possessed the man drew a map in his own blood showing the location of a cave southeast of town . I couldn 't put my finger on it , but I knew there was more to this than just a found pendant . I didn 't want to go , but Ardisia was determined to leave immediately , and I couldn 't let her travel the forest by herself . I feared what we might find when we got there . Nothing seemed right . When we found the cave , it was unlike any cave I 've ever seen or read about . The cave was too smooth and too circular . The cave contained large spiders , about 3 feet long without counting the legs . I stood there and thrust my dagger out at them , as if drawn by some instinct of what to do , a strange sensation rushed down my arm and out of my dagger . It hit the spider causing it to collapse . I had hoped this would never happen . I 'm not sure I want this to get around town . I like my life the way it is , and I don 't want anything to upset that . When we got through the caverns we were met with a strange sight . It was a land I had only read about in my books . The stars were different , the trees were larger , and the elves could turn into wolves , very mistrustful wolves . We were in a clearing when we first met them . We all stood still , afraid of making the first move that would set the wolves off . Eventually I decided that I would approach carefully , seeing that they were injured , I was hoping to help them , that is when they snapped at me . I was able to jump back in time , I feared that we would have to put them out of their misery . At least we would be able to eat , but when the first " wolf " went down it turn into an elf , and the other one did also , charging down Kris , before we could convince her that there was a great misunderstanding . Once everyone calmed down we could look to our wounds . None of us were feeling all that great , but we couldn 't go back yet . We decided to get help for the wounded elves , though Kris stayed behind to help protect the elves who had escaped from some slave traders . Ardisia , Magpie , and I traveled deeper into this forest till we came across many pulsating vines . That was when we were attacked by Xivorts . One of the blue gnomes stuck the vine above us , drenching us in the black goo that was in the vine . I was blinded by this attack , and had to work furiously to be able to see again . Thankfully we were able to take them down before they took us down . Soon after that fight we stumbled into the elven clan . Looking back , I found it odd they had tents instead of building houses in the trees . If I meet them again I shall have to ask why that is . We were greeted as honored guests . We were given food and sweet mead as some of their group rescued Kris and the other elves . It was comforting to have found someone nice in such a strange land . After the dinner things took a strange turn . We were invited to see the seer , who spoke in riddles . I never quite got what she was saying , but it sounded as if Fern was still alive . I would find that amazing . I haven 't know many that were missing for months and were found alive . I then remember we were shown a vision of some kind , but as dreams fade upon waking , so did the visions that we received . Upon waking from these dreams , we found the seer had died . I don 't know how I 'm going to carry out her final wishes , when I don 't even remember them , but I hope her soul found some rest . I didn 't want to wake up this morning . My mother made me get up so that I would not miss the special breakfast that Clearn Taure 's daughter was making . She said I was obligated to keep my promise and that sulking isn 't ladylike . Its not that I didn 't want to go , I just didnt want to be social this morning . I went . I 'm glad I did , although breakfast didn 't go quite as planned . One of the member 's of some adventure 's group was brought bleeding into the tavern . I had not noticed the group before , and so i didn 't recognize him . I also had never seen someone with such severe wounds before . It was very nerve wracking . Hal 's friend came and bandaged the guy 's wounds . When he finally came around Kris tried to ask him questions . Don 't remember just exactly how it all happened , but i do remember noticing a small piece of wood fall from the guy 's hand . My heart skipped a beat . I knew immediately what it was : the little bird I had made for my sister Fern . Suddenly everything I had been bottling up let go in a tide of fury . I had to know where and how and when this stranger had found my sister 's bird ! I may have been a little harsh , but I couldn 't just stand there and ask politely if he knew something . I didn 't mean to cause that seizure or whatever it was . I personally think he was possesed . Vomitting blood is gross enough , but drawing a map in your own blood - vomit is just too much . Apperently it was just going to be that type of day . In my one - track - mind type of way , I gathered what I needed and set off to find the cave . I was going to go whether anyone came with me or not , but I am REALLY glad that my friends came with me . I don 't want to be a follower anymore , but I also really don 't want to be alone . If it had not been for Clearn and Magpie and Kris , I too would have been never seen again . The cave we found was just wierd . At first I didn 't think much of the cave walls , but then it occured to me that no natural cave would be that sooth and round . We couldn 't find any tool marks , so something did this . I know I don 't want to meet it though . The farther into the cave we got the more strange things we found . It looked like some sort of people had lived here once , but we could find no traces other than the architecture . We finally gave up lookng at the wierd rooms and followed the main tunnel until we were attacked by spiders . Without the adrenaline of getting closer to find Fern already coursing through me , I probably wouldn 't have actively fought such huge spiders . I did however pull it together to kill a couple with my spear . A few times I was bitten by a spider , and after the third or fourth every thing went dark . I don 't know how much later I woke up , and I don 't really know how long we spent walking through dark cave tunnels . My mind had gone a little numb by then . So many new things were happening all in one day . I remember at one point there was a deep rumbling in the earth and the tunnel caved in front of and behind us . Kris was really clever and told us how to unbury ourselves . We managed to make a small hole and I crawled through and helped from the other side . Finally , we saw light , and rushed towards it . After everything else that had happened to me , coming out of the cave and seeing trees at least twice the size of my trees and completely different stars just seemed like another thing . Kris was really upset by them . She wanted to go back to the cave and figure out where we made a wrong turn or something . I don 't know what good that would have done . I just wanted to keep moving forward . I felt we were still on the right path - especially because I 'm sure there wasnt a different path that we missed . We headed straight from the mouth of the cave and trudged through this new and unfamiliar forest . Pretty soon we came to a clearing , with dense foliage all around us . On the other side of the clearing were two pairs of yellow eyes . Looking closer we saw the wounded bodies of the wolves that the eyes belonged to . After a brief stand off , Clearn walked slowly towards the wolves . Of course they attacked us . What did surprise me was that they both turned into elves after the first crumpled to the ground . One of the wolvey - elven people calmed down enough to talk to us . . Turns out there is a whole clan of them and Clearn and Magpie and I set off to find them and send help for the wounded . On our way too where we were told we could find this clan we were attacked by small blue creatures . The little buggers kept hitting these bulging vines and splashing icky gook all over us that made us blind . That was so gross and really annoying too . Eventually we beat them and kept walking until we found the clan we were looking for . These are easily some of the nicest elves I 've ever met . It didn 't matter to them that we weren 't just like them , but they listened to us , and fed us and helped in pretty much any way they could . As turns out we had stumbled our way in the feywild . That 's pretty nifty , though I bet Father will never believe me . The leader person even took us to their seerer person . Her tent was really trippy . We inhaled quite a bit of smoke and met a ridiculously old elf lady . She said some pretty backwards stuff lWhen we finally got back to the cave all the rubble was gone and we met some iridescent guys and they told us that we were " chosen " to protect the fey and that this is the passage to the feywild . We were given some gold and we went back to Drullyndra . I … I never thought I would go back . But I want to be taught by the one person I trust most about this : my mother . I wasted a couple days in Drullyndra , unsure if I should even go . I mean , the way I left was rude to both of them . And my father . He 'll just want to find a way to keep me in Silverymoon and follow his career choices . Not something I would want to do . There 's always been this … I guess you could call it movement inside me . I can 't be tied down like he enjoys . It makes me feel like it 's a death sentence . But now , I have this power awaken that seems to be movement incarnate . And … well it 's been the first time I 've been happy in years . Sure , I 've been content and excited . But truly happy ? That 's always somehow eluded me . Anyway , I just got into the inn here in Silverymoon from the portal over . So I 'm going to rest before heading over to see my mom . That could have went better . A lot better . Namely I should have waited until Dad had left . He didn 't even give me a chance to explain what had happened . He just opened the door and the next thing I knew , I was pulling myself out of the neighbor 's garden . This might take longer than I thought … Well , I finally made some progress . I 'm not being tossed around like a rag doll anymore . Of course , throwing a spark of lightening at the front door might have set me back a little . Anyway , my dad finally sat down to hear me out . Mom 's excited to be able to teach me what I might have become . She thinks I might be a storm child . They both asked me to come back for Greengrass , when I can start being trained formally in what I can do . Gods on high , do I hurt . This sorcery training has been hard . I have to direct the power through myself , instead of doing spells like Dad can . And since I 'm a storm child , there 's all this constant movement and electricity to the power I call up . But Mom thinks I might be ready for something she says she had a long time ago . She won 't tell me what it is but I 'll be getting it tomorrow apparently . ( Part of the paper seems singed ) and the stupid thing won 't work ! She said it was something she used herself when she was an adventurer but it won 't work for me for some odd reason . Maybe I 'm not using it right . There has to be some way for it to work . I only just got it today after all . Dad 's saying I should have had a familiar by now . Mom thought I shouldn 't need one but is now agreeing with him . So I need to head out in a search for a familiar to join along with me . Watch me end up with a rock or something . I don 't need to be worried about some creature as I go along my life . I finally made it back and I 'm not sure how but a Muse Sprite decided to join me . Dad found it funny , considering my track record with listening to others , that I would get a familiar considered to be a councilor to whoever they should bond to . She seems to like my hair , wrapping up in it when she 's on my shoulder . She told me her name was Asta . Not a name I would give her but I 'm not going to take that from her . She was nice enough to decide to help me on my way . Mom said there isn 't anything else she can teach me that experience wouldn 't do a better job at . Dad said to not stay such a stranger around here . So long as it was for much shorter visits instead . I know he 's still mad but at least he 's nice again . Tomorrow , I 'm gonna get the first portal out to Myth Drannor and see how everyone 's doing in Drullyndra . It 's been a while and I need to apologize for the things I said in that tunnel … This last tenday and some change marks the second time I 've been to the Feywild . I heard , from guys I was training with , concerning a town about 3 days travel south from the passage that had good wine , and they were begging me to get some for the bar . I was less than enthused about traveling there again , but I knew that this would be a great opportunity to get ahead of any competition that might come to town . People are willing to pay almost anything to get something from the mysterious Forest on the other side of the Passage . I went with Denitor , Hinorr and Worves , the guys I 've been training with from the Flaming Wrath who found the town . Good protection doesn 't come cheap , but I didn 't want to get lost or killed along the way . At least I got a good discount by offering my services as cook . I 'm sure they never ate so well on a job before . We made good time , and only ran into trouble once . I made a decent showing of my skill ; it seems my training has been paying off . Bellasee was artistically put together ; everything seemed to flow ; nothing seemed out of place except for us . It took me most of the day to find the tavern owner who made the wine , not because no one knew where he was , but rather , like sun elves can be , no one could spare the time to talk to lowly humans and a wood elf . Although they weren 't xenophobic , they they had a pretentious air about them . After eight stops and many drinks we finally found the tavern responsible for this crazy trip . When I finally saw the maker of the wine , I could tell right away that Jadzee had no intention of trading with me . She was aggressive and kept changing her price and the amount of wine she was " willing " to sell to me . It was obvious that , like the rest of the town , she thought me inferior , so I had to change her perception of me . I tried being nice and respectful and exchanging her insults with some of my own , but in the end it took a duel . While I had no intention to battle my dealer , I could tell that these sun elves pride themselves as great bladesingers , because it seemed like everyone talked about their skill with a blade , or battles they watched or were a part of . There was even a public arena owned by one of the greatest Bladesinger in Feywild , at least from what I heard about him . He only gave lessons to those that showed great promise . I wasn 't willing to give up one getting my deal just yet . I was unsure of how well Jadzee was , but I figured it would be a one sided fight with me loosing . I figured however , if I made a good showing perhaps she would see me as something other than a nuisance . When i proposed the duel she laughed in my face . She said that if I won she would not only cut me a great deal , but deliver it herself , but if I lost I had to work for her for a month . I figured it would be worth it either way . The next day we met in the arena . The seats were crowded as the rumors spread that an outsider challenged someone in Bellasee . She seemed to love the attention and strung the battle out much longer than it needed to be . I was looking like a fool and I had to do something , so I dug down deep and drew upon strength I didn 't know I had . Suddenly I was blocking everything she threw at me . I scored a few hits one her . I don 't know where this talent came from . I was actually winning . I was as surprised as everyone else when she finally yielded . True to her word she gave me a good deal on wine . I still want to know where my talent came from . I have never shown such prowess before . I used to lose my sword from even the simplest disarming move . Now I 'm not quite a master , but I 'm leaps and bounds beyond what I could have done before . Where did this innate ability come from , and why now . Why not earlier when I was fighting the spiders in the passage ? I fear this might be a bad omen coming to pass . My life surely won 't be the same anymore . For starters the Grand master of the arena was impressed enough with my abilities , he offered to train me into a great bladesinger . Who could turn down an offer like that ? He trained me for a tenday and told me to go home and train . He said that I would know when I needed to return . After Jadzee 's defeat , the rest of the town treated us with respect . I found out that in their eyes until one proves that he isn 't a coward , he is nothing . The greatest honor is to not back down from a fight until you have proven yourself . I found their obsession with honor interesting , and I know I will return someday . My trip to Myth Drannor didn 't go quite how I thought it would . I was going to meet Kara , convince her to stay at my place for a while , and we could finally catch up . Instead I found myself once again worried I might leave my kids without a father . As you know I got a message from my long lost sister . The letter said she was finally coming back home and she wanted to meet me in Myth Drannor . I thought it seemed like an odd request , why not just come to Drullyndra , but I was so excited to see her , that I never gave it a second thought . I set off almost right away . I traveled there with Jadzee . We have become friends as of late ; she stops by the bar every few tendays with the new shipment and we talk about our separate worlds . Although she swears one day she will be strong enough to beat me , she still is just a little too slow , and it frustrates her to no end . When we got to Myth Drannor she went to take in the sights while I went off to see my sister . I arrived at the time and place Kara put down in the letter , and I was surprised by her choice of venue . It was a dingy bar that seemed to exude a rotten odor , as if someone lost the key to the larder months ago . I sensed the attack coming , but I couldn 't defend myself in time . After the first hit everything went a little fuzzy , but I do remember taking at least two of my attackers down before I was captured . They tied me up and started asking me about Kara . When was the last time I saw her or heard from her . I didn 't think I would come out of this alive , but I tried to stay strong as I attempted to convince them that I hadn 't seen my sister on over 3 years . I don 't know what my sister got herself into or why I was now going to die over it , but I didn 't want to betray her . I thought on my family and my training to keep me strong . I had no chance of escaping on my own . I was saved by Magpie and Ardisia . Ardisia saw my sword for sale , and knew that I would never sell it . Magpie was tailing one of the thugs in the gang , and when her path crossed with Ardisia 's they were able to come up with a plan to get me out of there . The thugs weren 't expecting an attack , so they were caught unprepared by Magpie 's luck and Ardisia 's swordplay . I was more than grateful that they came to get me . After looting the place we found some documents that were written in old Dwarven . I was able to remember enough words to get a gist of what they said , but they didn 't lead me to any real answers . At least Magpie found them useful . She gave me a pendant and told me to keep it for luck . I was just happy to be alive and I would get to see my family again . The pendant turned out to be really lucky . On the way home it suddenly fell off my neck and when i bent down to pick it up I realized that if had fallen in a disguised pit trap . I knew that most hunters were not so careless as to make one on a well traveled road , I suspected there were bandit about . Jadzee was the one who spotted them trying to sneak away . We were able to round up three of them before the rest got away . I was once again surprised by how easily the spells came to my mind . It felt as if I had practiced all my life , but I never touched a sword before I went through the passage . We forced the men to fill in the trap before we handed them over to the guard for a nice bounty . Business is booming at my little inn . For once I can actually afford to hire staff , so I took my family on a much needed vacation . I have an expansion planned and the lot under my bar bought , I just need to find someone willing to build it . I 'm getting a cellar for my wine , and some new rooms . I also am going to put a taproom down there that is bigger and better than what I have now . I can use the room to expand my kitchen . FINALLY ! I have enough gold to actually buy a real book ! After that ' adventure ' in ' The Other Place ' , I have enough gold for almost anything ! I 've forgotten how much I miss the jingle of coins ! I 'm leaving tonight for Myth Drannor . I so look forward to living in a big city again ! Maybe I 'll send Vortigan some chocolate from Waterdeep . He said once he really liked it ! I 'm lucky to still have you , Diary . As soon as I arrived in Myth Drannor and parted ways with Ardisia , I got mugged and beaten ! The gang of elven bandits ambushed me and took all my belongings . I 'm lucky this fell out of my bag , and they didn 't bother picking it up . The gang was lead by a ? man ? who never pulled down his hood . The only distinguishing features that I was able to see on him was a lengthy scar down his right hand . When he got angry and stopped another member of his group from stabbing me , it glowed bright blue ! He told me to " fly away little bird , " and I ran off . I 've dubbed him the ' Blue Glove ' , and have started to hunt him down . After a few weeks of discreetly asking around , I met a hin who called himself Three - Legs . Why ? I don 't really know , and when I asked he just laughed and didn 't answer . Anyway , Three - Legs said he 'd tell me what I want to know , if I 'd do him a favor . He said he 's been leaning on this importer in town , trying to get his business to fold . He said that the importer has resisted this by a discreet funding by someone , and Three - Legs wants to find out who is doing this , so he can stop them . To do this , I need to steal the ledger from his shop , and bring it to Three - Legs . This should be easy , and I agreed . Last Night I tried Moonbeam 's dream - meditation methods that she has been teaching me , and they worked ! I had a long and confusing dream that very night . I dreamnt of a horse dancing on a bed which broke open and the horse fell into a hole ! It got even weirder because I was being chased by a barrel covered in spikes ! before I got crushed by it , I hit a stone wall and river gushed out and swept the barrel away ! Then I found myself climbing a mountain and found the ledger I was looking for at the very peak ! Weird dreams , right ? I can 't believe I 'm still alive . My mission went … well , really . I almost got trampled by a horse outside my mark 's house , and when I jumped out of the way , found a secret cellar that led to a trapdoor under his bed ! I looked up and saw the ledger laying on the top of his bookcase . Success ! I couldn 't reach it , so I sort - of climbed his bookshelf and grabbed the book , causing it to fall over and crash very loudly , causing his guard to run into the room . Fates he was so big ! He had this BIG spiked flail and he tried to crush me with it ! Scrambling out of the room I bumped into a table and knocked over a pitcher of water which he slipped on the puddle and fell over , allowing me to escape ! With Three - Legs ' guidance , and a few weeks time , I tracked down the member of the gang that wanted to kill me and had another dream - this time Claern was in a huge cage that kept getting smaller and smaller . While I was watching , Ardisia ran to the cage and got shot by dozens of arrows ! I was sweating when I woke up , and now I am going to go out to track the gang member down - Three - Legs said his name was Scratcher . I 'm sure he knows where Blue Glove is . That day was mostly a blur to me , and I don 't really remember it perfectly . It turned out that Claern was being held hostage by a gang , of which Scratcher is a member . I ran into Ardisia ( surprise ! ) and together we managed to free him , but I almost lost the trail of Scratcher . He didn 't get away , because he tripped over my backpack which had accidentally broken off ! After we managed to get away , he told me he had left his former gang ( led by Blue - Glove ) because he had some grand plan that Scratcher thought was too dangerous , so he ran away . He wouldn 't tell me any more than it was to take place in Drullyndra . After a while , some more wolves came and I got a ride to the camp with their help . I tried to be polite and offer help as a thanks but they knew how to handle themselves . And the food . Bless Chauntea there was food to eat . It was then I was told just where we were . Oh if I had died in that moment I would have cursed everything at being robbed all the stories that must populate that world . Everything that had been lost to us since the Fire . After we finished , we were ushered into a tent with an old wise woman . I knew the day had been something on me because I forgot to ask one very important question . Well , we were offered something to drink deeply from . And I tell you , there was so much I saw from it . It 's a shame I can 't remember much of it but I do remember this : a hand coming out of a grave that I dug up to reveal a baby . And as I was almost done , people started walking by to throw a shovel of dirt on . It was just neverending . I 'm still not sure what it means but I couldn 't ask the woman since she was dead when we came to . So after some discussion we decided to go back in search of the cave we came through . And , of course , we were attacked . I 'm not too sure how long the fight lasted . I was downed after a while . It just seemed like the fugly little gnomes just wouldn 't go down . Well after some time for me to come to , we managed to find the cave . But there was this glow that wasn 't there before . When we checked it out , it turned out to be these , I guess you could say , ghost - like people . But they all looked and sounded like people we already knew . And what they kept saying … I couldn 't help it . It was like they sparked a powerful storm inside me . They kept going on about how us being these Chosen Ones was by something we desired . I 'm ashamed to admit I said a couple things I regret saying . But they made me think about others who had tried to tell me what my fate was . Fate is not something I 've wanted to be bogged down by . I guess you could say I 've pretty much rebelled against it , for all i < / d > As I returned to Drullyndra from my first trip to the feywild I was full of hope and purpose . I was so excited and determined . I did not have a particular plan , but I knew what I wanted to do . That 's what my Father had wanted , right ? For me to know what I wanted ? That 's why I thought he would have taken my news slightly better . I strode into his workshop and announced " Father , I 'm going to be a warrior . I 'm leaving for Myth Drannor as soon as possible , and than I 'm going to go find Fern , because I know she 's alive ! " I don 't think he took me seriously for even two minutes . He kept asking questions like I was some sort of stupid child . Ok , so I don 't have every single detail figured out , but I 'm not a stupid child . Maybe someday he 'll treat me like an adult . He demanded that I go home and stay there . He told me I was forbidden from leaving Drullyndra . Whatever . He can 't force me to do anything . I did go home to gather some things before I left . My Uncle Sven and my Aunt were there visiting with my Mother . I told them my whole story . At least they actually listened instead of being belligerent . I told them I was leaving for Myth Drannor to get what I 'd need and then I would set out to find Fern . My Uncle Sven pointed out a few minor details and convinced me to go visit his brother Erik . Apparently Erik used to be an adventurer and occasionally takes in a pupil to teach them how to wield a sword . That same day I left with Magpie to travel to Myth Drannor . Upon arriving in the big city , Magpie and I separated , and I went directly to Erik 's house . He read the letter that Sven had asked me to give him , and agreed to teach me how to wield a sword , but only If I promised to stay until he decided I had learned enough . I get the impression the letter from Uncle Sven had something to do with that clause , but I 'm not too bothered , I think I will like this big city . I have been so busy training with Erik . When I 'm not training I 'm usually unconscious . So much physical activity really takes it out of a person ! I spent the first week doing chores around Erik 's little shop or running errands . Erik sells some really weird stuff . I asked him where he gets this weird stuff and he 'd spent a half hour telling me a story about some adventure where he beat a dozen ogres just to find a shiny rock . ( or something like that , I wasn 't always listening , and he goes off on tangents in his story and often exaggerates I think . ) Eventually he 'd realize himself and send me to go run laps around the neighborhood . I think he misses his old life and just runs his shop so he can meet other adventurers and chat with them as they sell him their silly trinkets . I 'm sure he buys more than he sells . I don 't know how he has enough money at the end of the day to eat , but his pretty wife always has a delicious meal prepared . I asked him about it one day and he just smiled and tapped his nose . That was weird . After that he started getting serious with my training . He has a tiny yard behind his shop / house but its full of some weird and neat training equipment . There is a bench where you lay down and lift a bar with weights on each side to build muscle in your arms . There is a pole with a bunch of swinging arms of varying lengths . At first I just had to jump or duck to not get hit by the arms . Then he tied stuff to the end of each . One had a small round shield , one had a knife , one had a round weight , etc . That made it more interesting . There was more to dodge and when I didn 't clear the obstacles I could expect a rather hard hit . after about three weeks of endurance training he finally let me start with a sword . All I had was the short sword that I took from the xivorts . I told Erik how I get the sword and he looked so proud that I had my own little adventure story . So we trained . and trained . and trained and trained and trained . Occasionally I got a reprieve and had to sit in the store whilanother 6 weeks later : Erik has decided he 's done with training me . To celebrate my graduation he and his wife took me out to a nice tavern . We ate and drank well , and laughed a lot . He gave me a bunch of advice , like listen to advice , but make up my own mind . I like that . I left his house the next day and headed back to Drullyndra . I was surprised at how many people were on the road ! I had heard that people had gotten really excited about the Passage , but I wasn 't expecting to see so many people . When I got to Drullyndra itself I was flabbergasted . This wasn 't the same little town I had left at all ! I like that my town is becoming something more , but I am also very amused that the original citizens are trying to ignore it . I thought about going home , but I really don 't want to . I decided to go see Claern instead . If my family wants to see me , they can come to me . I am not a child anymore and I will not reside under my father 's roof . I decided to write down a few thoughts as I sit here waiting for the dwarf to finish making his order . We came here so that he could get his precious metal and leave . Our purpose on this trip is a simple one collect something and leave , but is that really the best option ? Let me explain . When we came here we noticed something going on downtown . It turns out in the face of a grizzly murder the previous night two men were accused and one fled , and the other took a hostage . Neither option seems the best when facing that situation , but I 've never been in one . The question is does having the ability to change something give me the responsibility to act in any situation , and if so , what situations must I take action in ? I know I cannot save everyone , but should I try to anyway ? I 'm in a strange town surrounded by people I don 't know . I owe nothing to this town . Is it right for me to cut into their affairs unasked ? If someone were to burst into my tavern and start cooking on my stove I would not be thankful , no matter how good of a job they do . It would be my responsibility to my customers to serve them . That 's not saying I would never ask for help , but it should be at my request . On the other hand , we are talking about someone 's life , not a ruined supper . Can I stand back and do nothing while someone 's life may be in danger ? Would I not break into someone 's house to save that person . And how is that different than what is going on now ? Do I even have the right to interfere ? This a different culture entirely . And would it actually benefit someone if I did ? Sure maybe this one time I could save one girl , but I won 't be here next time . In the same way feeding a wild animal actually causes it greater harm because it won 't learn to feed itself , I could be robbing this town of a valuable experience . I don 't have much time to write , since we just hit a snag in the services we were rendering a dwarf looking to make an upside down fountain . But I 'm not too worried about that . What I 'm more worried about is the talk of someone being held hostage by a man accused of murder . I know I 'm someplace I don 't live but it doesn 't excuse me from doing what 's right : helping remove the hostage from the situation . Maybe if we could find out if the man was actually the murderer , we would be in a better position to have things end peacefully . And that 's on top of having to leave Drullyndra after hearing about slave trading . The Lythari we helped had said they were attacked by slave traders . So I want to get back to take care of that as quickly as possible as well . Well , time to figure out what to do next …

That day , the day I 'm thinking about , I was sitting at my breakfast table alone . It was a bright Saturday morning in summer and I had some things to account for to myself . For one thing , I 'd already been in that town three years . And , to be honest , " town " is stretching the meaning of the word : It had about twenty thousand people and about two bars per person and there was a lake nearby full of fish you couldn 't eat without poisoning yourself . That isn 't a town in my book . For another thing , my husband , Bucky , had run off two months before with this woman from around there . I won 't reveal her name , but she had fake blond hair , wore her blue jeans like hands grabbing her butt , was no more than twenty - five , and was looking for trouble . And that 's exactly what she got in Bucky Gilman . The only other thing I had to account for was that I turned forty that day . Nothing much , except that forty was precisely two years past half my life expectancy , and not a pretty idea . These are thoughts that bright days and breakfast tables bring home to a person . Bucky had made the breakfast table , which was one reason you couldn 't touch the top of it without spilling your coffee . It was so unsteady I had to keep folding junk mail under the legs to even things up , though no matter what I did , the table turned out unsteady . It was a meaningful table . I 'd been married to Bucky for ten years , nine of them pure torture and one of them worse . I was sitting at his table , thinking all these things and wondering what was next . I thought maybe I 'd pack up the apartment and go someplace a little different , go to a real town , for instance , where good things could happen to a person for a change . Wishful thinking , though forty is an age where balancing the good and the bad makes a lot of sense . I had a job up at the speedway in the ticket booths , decent work except it closed during the winter and there was no way you could look at it as a place where I explored my personal career potential , like they say in the ladies ' magazines . My personal career potential was zip at the speedway , although it paid the rent and that 's the bottom line those magazines don 't mention . You read that stuff for too long and you start thinking everybody in America is two steps ahead of you and you don 't have a prayer . But , like I said , it paid the rent . No one can hate that . I 'd just about decided to call in sick to work , it being my birthday , when the phone rang . I figured it was Granby at the speedway calling to ask me to work an extra shift , which would figure since I 'd gotten used to getting just exactly what I didn 't want . For a second I thought about not answering , but the fact was , I couldn 't be sick and not home both . So I answered it ; I said , " Yes , what is it you want ? " I 've never been one for the Good - morning - Gilman - residence bit , just another bone of contention between Bucky and me . That one with the fake hair and the tight blue jeans would be perfect for it is all I can say , if he ever marries her , which he won 't . There was silence on the other end of the connection , so I said " What is it ? " again and waited . Then the guy on the line started murmuring , a kind of low , awful rumble that made me think whoever it was , was sick or something . And I was right . It took me a while to figure out where the chips were falling , but I finally did . " Then cut it off and use it for a doorstop , you shithead , " I yelled , then I slammed down the phone , hard . There 's no need to tell what he said , though it was language I don 't appreciate from anybody , not nobody , especially not some sick old bastard like this guy was . I don 't mind saying it scared me a little bit . Maybe it scared me a lot . I got to thinking about how I was forty now and not as quick as I used to be , about how anybody and his brother could crash into my apartment and beat me senseless with a broomstick , or worse . I got to thinking I was there in the apartment all alone and that wasn 't a good place to be . I wanted to wring Bucky 's neck . I wanted to wring the phone 's neck , though when I looked at it , it already looked wrung , the cord twisted crazily around the receiver like a rat 's tail . It was upsetting , and the more I thought about it , the more upset I got . I sat back down at the breakfast table , put my elbows on it , but when it rocked toward me I jumped , just as if somebody had tapped me on the shoulder . I was a little upset and that 's a fact . The way I see it , you 're at the mercy of anybody who phones you , just one reason you don 't have to be polite about it . But an obscene phone call is different . When you 're in a bad spot , it means something worse is just around the corner . All of a sudden those ten years with Bucky looked like decent ones . My mother always said the assholes you know are better than the ones you don 't ; she knew a thing or two , except she 's dead now . I thought maybe I 'd get up and lock my door , then I thought that was stupid : Any maniac knew how to break down a door . I wondered if this obscene maniac knew where I lived . The table top kept rocking back and forth and I couldn 't tell whether it was because of me or whether it was Bucky 's crazy construction - there was no telling where the fault lay , except the table kept rocking . I was almost in tears , just from not knowing anything . He walked by the window when I was feeling that way . I looked out the window , then the table rocked forward and I thought , There 's the only man on earth I know didn 't make that call . It was a simple thought , but it had the beauty of being true and made me feel as though I had company coming over , as though things might get better and forty was a hell of a lot better than dead . I leaned over and rapped the window with my knuckles . He stopped on the sidewalk , looking around , his lunch pail swinging back and forth on its handle . I gave another good rap or two , then he saw where I was . His square face was full of confusion , but it was friendly confusion , the way a smart dog looks at you when you talk baby - talk to it . I waved my hand at him in a festive way . He waved back , still looking confused , the bottom of his lunch pail glinting in the sun , then he turned around and moved on down the sidewalk . I watched him go , thinking he looked pretty good , real good , like a guy who could get rid of trouble faster than he could get into it . There aren 't but a handful of men who look like that , and that 's God 's truth . The best part was , I knew who he was and where he lived . He lived in the apartment building next door to mine , he worked for the nuclear power plant up on the lakebed doing nobody knew what , like everybody else who worked there - and his name was Grover . Grover Littlefield . I knew all this because of a fishing pole . One day in May I 'd answered my doorbell and a parcel post man stood on the walkway , holding on to a long , thin box . This was about three weeks after Bucky had run off , so when I saw the guy my heart gave a little leap ; I figured if Bucky was still ordering things to the apartment , he might come back , might be on some kind of lark that he knew all along would soon go bad . But fat chance , nothing turns out . What did turn out was that the parcel post man had come to the wrong apartment building . " Hell , " I said , " I don 't even have a husband here . " I wasn 't in the mood to be cheery . The guy just looked at me , scratching his head . It seems like every parcel post man in the world has an itch under his hat . They 're always scratching . " Look , ma ' am , " the guy said and quit scratching , put the box out in front of me like a present . " All I know is I 've got a name and an address and a fishing rod right here and they all of them have to shake hands by the end of the day . One - oh - eight is what I 've got . It 's from a Littlefield in Georgia , " he said hopefully , as though that might clear things up . " Georgia , " I said . " God Almighty . Let me look at the address . " He handed it over and I looked at it . Right away I knew it was the wrong building , though something about the writing caught my eye . Grover Littlefield and I lived cater corner on Ontario Street and the Littlefield in Georgia had drawn a tiny picture of Lake Ontario beside that part of the address . He 'd also drawn a picture of a fishing pole that stretched out across about half of his picture of the lake . There was even a drawing of a little cornfield beside the name . " Cute , " I said . " Southern Indians with fishing poles . I swear to God . Littlefield . That sound Indian to you ? " I told him where he needed to go , almost invited him in for coffee , I was feeling that low , but he was so grateful for the right address I knew he was in a hurry to get his job done . Sometimes I got that way myself at the ticket booths at the speedway : stiff and efficient as all get out . Even sorry jobs have a certain amount of personal career potential , I guess , though there are better things in life . " You scared me to death , " I called , not so much mad as relieved , considering how many drunk drivers there were around there . You wouldn 't believe how dangerous it was to walk down the sidewalks in that town after five o ' clock . It was high noon all the time , after five o ' clock . " You were right , " he called out . " Right about what ? " I walked over to his truck , taking my time even though some horns had started honking . I 'll accommodate myself to anybody who stops traffic for me . " He is an Indian , or at least partway . He took that box with the fishing rod , looked at the address , and just laughed . Just laughed and laughed . I 've never seen a happier guy . Over an old fishing pole . I saw him take it out . It was old . " " That 's him , " he said , all excited , and I looked where he was looking . " That 's why I stopped . It was too perfect , seeing you and him at the same time . I 'm telling you , that 's him . " Parcel post men are strange , but they 're good with faces , I 'll give them that . Maybe this one was just grateful to me for setting him straight that time . I looked at Grover Littlefield . He was half a block away , stopping at shop windows and staring at things . He was tall , as tall as most of the shop windows . He was tanned , too , except you could tell it wasn 't a tan that came from the sun but from something almost as old as that . And he was handsome , the way some furniture is handsome , chiseled out somehow . He was around thirty years old , an age I knew well , having been through it before . " Nice to see you , " I told him , backing away , embarrassed all of a sudden . " Thanks , " I said . Then the parcel post man switched gears in the truck , made the tires squeal , and I never saw him again . All of this went through my head while I rapped on the window . Grover Littlefield had just happened to walk by , though I saw it was a good omen . Anything is a good omen when you need it to be . Right then this plan unfolded like a clean sheet in my mind , just as if it had been waiting there for years to snap itself open . I called Granby at work and said I was sick , said I was too sick to come to work that day . I made my voice sound pitiful . " Female trouble , " he said in a nasty way , which was the only way he could be . The walls of his office at the speedway had posters of naked women spread out awkwardly over the hoods of super - modifieds , and anytime you went in there , he made sure he stood in front of one of them while he talked to you . Whenever I thought about Granby I saw his ferrety face with the breasts of some poster woman sticking up behind his head like fat devil 's horns . " I 'll get Maureen to come in , " he said , " but your ass better be behind the counter tomorrow . I 've got a speedway to run , not a goddamn whorehouse . I 'm hiring men from now on , that 's all , no fucking females . " Maureen was his wife , a big - boned woman who , at least once to my knowledge , had knocked Granby cold in an altercation involving some missing receipts . He 'd been in the hospital for two days . His grease - monkey friends brought him posters of naked women and cars by the fistful , like flowers , until the nurses on his floor at the hospital threatened to go on strike if all that stuff didn 't get taken out of there . I told him fine , OK , I 'd be there tomorrow . Then I hung up and got busy . The cake was the hardest part . I kept opening the oven every five minutes to see what was happening , couldn 't leave it alone , so of course the cake fell . What I did was , I baked another one , only this time I tried to make it fall , which is harder to do for some reason , though I did it . When I stacked the two on top of each other , they looked just about right , and with icing all over it , the whole thing looked exactly right . The chocolate was as peaked and dimpled as the face of the moon , a fine - looking cake . I took some time dressing . At first I put on some clingy polyester pants and a nice print shirt , but they were too dressy and made me look like I was forty , which was ten years older than I felt I deserved to be . Finally I decided on jeans with a cotton smock , red leather sandals on my feet . I 'd kept my figure pretty well . If I held my breath , I was about the size I 'd been at twenty - five . Whatever happened when I wasn 't holding my breath , the smock would cover up . Around five - thirty I went over . My sandals made sucking sounds on the hot pavement , the cake smelled of butter and chocolate and weighed about ten pounds . I felt proud of the cake , kept hefting it in my hands . Way down the street , squared by the municipal buildings , I could see a piece of Lake Ontario , green at the bottom of the square and going to blue where it met the sky , crisscrossed all over by telephone wires . Seeing the lake made me think it might not be such a bad town , when you discounted everything else about the place . Grover Littlefield 's apartment was on the ground floor , next to the street , just like mine was . In fact , our apartment buildings were identical , all the doors opening up onto the parking lot , all the windows made so that you couldn 't open them , the buildings slapped together in about three months during the boom that had come when the nuclear plants started construction . There were three of them around there , which has to be some kind of crazy record . All I could think was , the power plants had better be built with more sense than these apartment buildings , or else everybody around here is a goner . Bucky once said that nothing on earth was safer than nuclear power , which was a crock and I told him so . " I can think of ten different things that are safe , " I said . " Nuclear power ain 't one of them and another one ain 't you . " I already knew he might be fooling around . I wondered where he was right then , what he 'd do if he saw me holding a cake in front of Grover Littlefield 's apartment , holding that thing and my breath , too . It was a sight I 'd have paid admission to see . I stood in front of his door for a while , figuring out how to knock with the cake in my hands . Finally I just set it down beside the door . Out in the parking lot a seagull made what sounded like a series of hacking coughs , and I suddenly realized I didn 't know what the hell I was doing there or why I was doing it or what might come next . I knocked twice on the door , fast , before something worse came over me , then I picked up the cake and stood there , smiling for all I was worth . Grover Littlefield opened the door wide , a big smile on his face , too , though it turned into something else when he saw me , a sort of smile with its breath knocked out . He looked at the cake , then back inside his apartment , as if there might be people with party hats about to jump out from behind the furniture . He had on a black T - shirt that said GO FOR IT and jeans that looked so worn they were almost white , but his face , framed in the doorway , was something that made me hold my breath without thinking about it . My God , it was a good face . It was a face that might have done push - ups , strong and hard and smooth , a face that told you it looked that way because whatever was behind it was in just as good shape . I don 't mind saying I loved him at that moment . I don 't mind saying that at all . " Do I know you ? " he asked , pulling the neck of his T - shirt with one finger . He stared at the cake , then back at me . " Oh , no , " I said and gave a little laugh . It was a snort , not a laugh , but I couldn 't help myself . " I 'm just a social caller . I mean , I 'm just visiting . Since I knew I was coming , I baked a cake . " I snorted again , then held up the cake for him to see it better . " It 's my birthday and everything . " " Jerry ! " he called out , laughing hard all of a sudden . " Jerry , where are you , you son of a bitch ! " He leaned past my shoulder and looked around , his laughter a nice sound , like the hooves of horses pounding grass . There wasn 't anything out there , nothing but the walkway and the parking lot and maybe some seagulls . " Jerry ? " he asked , straightening up . He quit laughing . " Honest to God , " I said , " I 'm just visiting . I saw you outside my window this morning . Remember ? I knocked on my window and you turned around and waved . Remember ? " " I guess so . " For a while he pulled on the neckline of his T - shirt , as if his breathing had something wrong with it . His eyes were exactly the color of the chocolate icing . I could still smell all that butter as well as something even richer , which might have been him . " You say I waved ? " he asked . " Sure you waved . You stood on the sidewalk and waved . I 'm a hundred percent sure on that you waved . Listen , could I set this cake down ? It weighs as much as a two - year - old . " " I guess so , " he said , though he didn 't move , expecting , I guess , for me to set it down right there on the doorstep . Instead I said , " Great ! " and moved around him into the apartment . It was a bold move , at least it was for me , one that had my heart pausing for so long I felt maybe I 'd left it outside in the parking lot . You might think your heart always pounds like a jackhammer in big moments , but you 'd be wrong . " Nice place , " I said , which was a lie . I had to throw some clothes on the floor to set the cake down on the coffee table . " Listen , " I said , " my name 's Dale , " which was the sorry truth and my mother 's fault . " I 'm real glad to know you . I mean , it was real nice of you to wave and everything . " He was standing in the doorway , this time with his back to the outside , standing there and looking like he had some things on his mind . " OK , " he said , and I did , right then . " But let me get this straight . Are you trying to sell this cake or give it to me or , just what all is this business with the cake ? " He came into the living room , then stood over the cake , putting it square between us like an argument . " It 's a present , you know , a sort of calling card . Like a bunch of flowers , like a casserole , like a - Frankly , I don 't know what the hell it 's like . It 's a cake . I 'm giving you a cake . " " Oh , " he said , as though that was all he needed to know . " Grover , Grover Littlefield . Pleased to meet you . " He stood behind the cake , holding a thumb toward his chest as if he were pointing himself out in a crowd . " I never had a cake give me before . " " Well , Dale . " He squatted in front of the cake , the way he might have squatted in front of a stream full of fish out in the woods . " It smells real good . That 's always a good sign . " " It 's the butter . That and the chocolate . We 're talking cardiac alley right down the middle of that cake , but I figure , what I figure is , you can 't cut yourself off from all the pleasures in life . I had a friend that wouldn 't eat anything but celery and carrots . Day after day it was celery and carrots . I 'm telling you , she was one unhappy woman . " " That 's right , " he said and grinned , pointing to his T - shirt . " That 's my philosophy on life in a nutshell . " He held the grin for a while longer . He was the smoothest man I 'd ever seen - not a hair you could see anywhere except on top of his head , where it was as dark and thick as a mink stole . Bucky had been hairy just about everywhere , hairy as a pink - bottomed baboon . " I appreciate the cake there , Dale . What do you want me to do with the plate when I 'm finished ? " He stood up , as though he were already finished with something . " Keep it , it 's just an old five - and - dime thing . But say , " I said , maybe a little too quickly , " why don 't we have us a piece right now ? I haven 't tasted it myself . " " I 'd love to do that . I sure would , Dale , sit here and eat a piece of cake and all that . But I 've got a fishing trip lined up this evening . Jerry , my friend Jerry and me , we 've got a trip all planned . There 's walleyes with our names on them out there . Or I would . I sure would . " " Oh , " I said , thinking fast . " That 's exactly why I came over . It 's an amazing coincidence , but that 's one big reason I came over . " I told him about the parcel post man and the fishing pole , at least the parts I wanted him to know . Then , for some reason , I got creative . I told him about how my father - I kept calling him Daddy in front of Grover Littlefield - how my daddy used to take me fishing every Sunday of the spring and summer . I told him about how my daddy would stand on the bank of a lake for hours , telling me about the fish we neither of us could see and only caught once in a while . There were fish , I said he 'd said , that looked like hammers and screwdrivers down there , whole toolboxes of fish . I went on and on about what my daddy had said . It was a pack of lies , though it could have been true , and should have been . The only thing my father had done with me , that I could remember , was play checkers every once in a while , but he threw the board on the floor every time he lost . It was as family oriented as he got , which was pretty good for the kind of man he was . Some men just don 't know how to act with a kid . - - > " So the upshot is , " I told Grover Littlefield , " I 'd like to go fishing sometime and I figured you were somebody I could do it with . I 'll bet you there 're some walleyed bastards out there with my name on them , too . " I was trying to sound like one of the guys , so he 'd know I could fit in and make do if I had to . The truth was , I didn 't know a walleye from a waterbug ; all I knew about fishing was that you had to throw something in to get something out and that , come to think of it , was exactly what I was doing on Grover Littlefield 's couch with a cake in front of me . " So what do you think ? Do you think old Jerry would go for it ? Do you think I could try my hand at this thing or not ? " " Jesus , Dale , " he said . " I don 't know about this . I don 't know about this at all . " He stood there , scratching his head just like the parcel post man , staring down on the cake as if it were still the issue under discussion . He looked good doing it , too , as good as a man can look when you 're hoping for something from him . " Jesus , " he said . " I don 't know . Do you have a rod and everything ? " " No , I don 't , I 'm sorry to say . I lost it when I moved up here . Either that or I broke it , I don 't remember which . Don 't you have more than one ? I figure , what with that pole you got in the mail and everything , I figure you 've got more than one . Don 't you ? Don 't you have more than one ? " I had to stop myself after that , mostly because I wasn 't breathing correctly when I said it all , I was talking so fast . The sad truth is , sometimes you find yourself being pathetic and all you can do is hope nobody else knows what you know , which is that you 're being as pitiful as they come . " Well , " he said , his eyes on the cake , " I guess it 's all right . I don 't know what Jerry 'll say , but I guess it 's all right , being that you really want to and your dad being what he was . I guess so . Boy , " he said , shaking his head , " I don 't know about this . This is something . " " Great ! " I said and stood up , staring at the cake since that 's what he was doing . " Great ! I 'll run home and be right back . Should I get some cold cuts or some hamburger or anything ? Pack a picnic or something ? This is great . Maybe some charcoal and a grill ? What ? " I don 't mind saying I felt crazy right then , crazy with something that was just about the opposite of always wondering what was next ; that might have been the exact opposite of turning forty or having your husband leave you or having somebody give you an obscene phone call that made you wonder whether your doors were locked , your life was in order . I was crazy with it all . " You name it in the food department and I 'll get it , " I said . " No , " said Grover Littlefield . " We don 't need a thing . We fry up some of the fish we catch . " He shook his head , looking at the cake , shaking his head like a pretty dog clearing flies . " I don 't guess there 's a thing we need from you . They were standing by a beat - up Chevy pickup when I came back . I 'd changed my shoes , thrown the sandals across the room and pulled on my sneakers as though my life depended on it . I figured the jeans and smock were just fine for a fishing trip , although I was moving so fast I don 't know if I was figuring things out at all . It had taken maybe six minutes for me to sprint to my apartment , put on the sneakers , then sprint back again . I was gasping like a fish by the time I got up to them and probably looked a little walleyed , too . I didn 't know but what they might leave me behind , if I made myself late . Right from the start I didn 't like Jerry 's looks . It wasn 't just wanting Grover Littlefield to myself , either , even though that might have crossed my mind . Being behind the ticket booths at the speedway had given me more people sense . I could tell some things . I could tell who was a tourist just passing through , who was a gambler willing to sell his fingers for a shot at some action , who was bloodthirsty and anxious to see at least three fatal accidents . I could tell after a while , that 's all . And I could tell that Jerry wasn 't quite right . He was overweight and had squinty eyes , like Granby 's , squeezed together somehow from the sheer pressure of what could have been lust or greed or a thing even meaner . His hair was short and blond , cropped close like a government agent 's , his scalp pink and weak - looking through the stubby hairs . Right from the beginning I didn 't like the guy . But I told myself , and rightly so , Get along with him and you 'll get along with Grover Littlefield . Sometimes - all the time - you have to put up with the bad to get to the good . Even the wild animals know that . " I seen you somewhere before , " Jerry said as soon as I got to the pickup . He had one arm draped over the bed of the truck , his little eyes so hidden there was no telling where he was looking . There 'd you pick her up ? " he asked Grover , not moving an inch . " I 've seen you somewhere . " " I work at the track , " I told him , acting cheery and upbeat . " Maybe you saw me there . Seems like everybody and his brother goes to the speedway sometime or another . " " Shit , " Jerry said . " For shit 's sake . " Then he sighed again , as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was weary from it . To be honest , I wanted to kick him right in one of his fat old legs . I 'm not a hurtful person , but some people test you more than others . Before I got into the truck I looked over the bed of it , mostly to see what it was that fishermen took on fishing trips . There was a pea - green tarp , folded into a square . There were four fishing poles lined up side by side and alongside them was a blackened grill next to some charcoal in a little box . Near the cab were two cases of beer that looked like enough alcohol to fill an entire fishing stream . But I 've already mentioned what the town was like after five o ' clock . Other than that , there were two metal carrying cases that looked like toolboxes but were probably full of fishing doodads , worms or hooks or fake mosquitoes or something . It was only when I saw the two toolboxes that I started worrying maybe I 'd be an idiot when it came to fishing . It was six - thirty and still light and would stay light till about nine - thirty - a lot of time for ignorance to make a spectacle of itself . I was between him and Grover Littlefield in the cab of the truck . We all kept our legs together , even Jerry , who was driving the truck , so there were spaces between us on the plastic seat cover , like checkers on a checkerboard . I played a game with myself with rules that said if my left knee touched Jerry 's right knee , I 'd die then and there . But the other game I played was with Grover Littlefield , was that if my right knee touched his left knee , I 'd die , too , but in a much better way . There was a shotgun on hooks across the windows behind our heads , and that made everything seem more fateful somehow . " So where do we go to get the walleyes ? " I asked . " I can taste those babies right now . " We 'd already turned onto a country road I didn 't recognize , and so what I really wanted to know was , Where are we going ? I was trying to sound like a big - shot fisherman , somebody who knew walleyes and walleye ways , somebody to be afraid of and admire and be good to all rolled into one . But what I really wanted to know was , Where are we ? " Grover , " said Jerry . his fat red face like a tomato aimed down the road , " Grover , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd get her to sit still and be quiet for the rest of the trip . I 'd appreciate that . And hand me one of those beers while you 're at it . All this talk 's worked up a thirst in me . " " You know it , buddy . You got it . I just hope the little lady don 't get too excited from the revelation of it all . " He took a quick swig of the beer , driving with one hand as though there were something smart involved in being able to do it . I 'll admit right now I couldn 't stand him . I couldn 't stand the sight or the sound or the smell of him . The only thing that kept me from saying so was Grover Littlefield , who seemed to be in a trance , staring at the trees going by his window . I was all turned around and lost by the time we got where we were going . Jerry had made some unpredictable left - and right - hand turns until we ended up on a dirt road with high grass growing up between the tire tracks . The air had turned more humid . The smell of water hung inside the cab like something ripe about to fall down on our heads . Through the windshield I could see a line of trees that went in both directions as far as the eye could make them out . Behind those trees were the flickering lights of a brown , slow - moving river . We 'd all had three beers , which put us about forty - five minutes and thirty miles away from where we 'd started . I was in a better mood by then , what with the beers and the smell of water and the fact that Jerry had kept his mouth shut for most of the drive . I 've seen decent men turn mean with alcohol in them , and I 've seen assholes turn nice as pie from the same thing , and I thought maybe Jerry fit into that last group . We got out of the truck . Although the sun was low , it wasn 't that low , still cleared the tops of the nearest line of trees . You could hear the leaves moving together , the water rubbing against the shore , and , every once in a while , the splash - thunk of a fish downstream . And on top of everything was the thick , humid , gamy smell of the river . " Are there wild animals around here ? " I asked , but the two of them were bringing stuff from the truck and setting it down under some pines . They opened the tarp , then laid it on a flat space on the pine needles , about twenty yards from the riverbank . Grover carried the two cases of beer , one on top of the other , his arms stretched and smooth and brown against the paper . I felt a ripple of something , seeing that . He put them on the tarp . After that Jerry took the grill and the box of charcoal down toward the river , toward where there was a burned place in the grass near the bank . Wherever we were , you could tell they 'd been there before . " Well , " he said , " well , you 'd be wrong to think that way . I don 't know shit about the woods up here . " He smiled when he said it , as though not knowing shit were something he was secretly proud of . " Let me get you your pole and some tackle . " He went over to the truck where Jerry was already leaning the poles against the bed , fiddling with each one before he set it down . It made me nervous , that he seemed to know exactly what he was doing when he fiddled with them . I moved up behind them and said , " We didn 't have jigs where I come from , " just in case I was supposed to know what they were . " We didn 't have walleyes either . " Saying all that , I thought I had the bases covered . One thing I did know about being ignorant was : Tell the truth as much as you can , but stop short of sounding like an idiot in trouble . " Oh , " I said , " all kinds of things . " I tried to think of the names of fishes . " All manner of fish , " I said . " Except walleyes . " " Here , " Grover said and handed me a pole . " Let 's go down to the bank and let you test the action . You like your action light ? " The way he said it , I knew it was a test question . " You bet , " I said . " Nothing but light action for me . " From the look on his face , I could tell I 'd gotten the answer right I felt dizzy for a second , just from being 100 percent on the money for a change . " It 's light action or nothing as far as I 'm concerned . " " You 'll like this pole then . " He touched the pole right above where my hand held on to it . " It 's a good old pole . My brother gave it to me . " When we got down to the water I noticed how big the river was . From a distance it might have been a large stream , but when you got right next to it the perspective changed , opened up somehow until the light of the sun going down , and the flow of the brown current , and the almost invisible movement of the trees overhead - until all of that made the river look as large and mysterious and deep as what your future life would always be like . It was only a thought I had , standing there on the bank , trying to account for what I felt and what I saw both . Nature has a way of making you think about things , whether you want to or not . " I don 't know . It 's a river . It 's just a river . " He laughed a little . " I don 't know , it 's a cake , it 's just a cake , " he said and I laughed , too , feeling cheery all of a sudden . When I looked out there again , it really was just a river and not all that big , either . I hefted the pole in my hand , feeling the awkwardness of the thing . Down toward the end the hook and line had been doubled back and hooked inside one of the metal circles that held the line close to the pole . I unhooked it , which seemed to be the thing to do , then let it hang at the end of the pole . A few inches up the line from the hook was a shiny metal piece . " It gets their attention , " Grover said , fingering the piece . " Even if they 're not hungry , these babies stir ' em up . It 's a jig . That 's a jig , if you want to know . All right . Let her rip . " He moved over a little ways . There 's no need to go into detail . I cast twice and both times the line caught in the trees with the hook hanging down like a noose over the river . There 's nothing in the world lonelier - looking than a hook hanging in midair , nothing except maybe a woman just turned forty trying to fish , and doing it badly . " As a matter of fact , " I shouted , turning on him , " as a matter of true fact , I always did my fishing in a boat . Out in the water . Out in the water where the fish are . Out in the water where I 'm close to what I 'm aiming to get . That 's what we did where I come from . " " A real fighter , " he said and grinned , his eyes squinted up till they disappeared . " A true sport . C ' mon , Grover , let 's us move upstream some . You take one of the cases . I got your gear here . " After Grover went away , Jerry held out a Styrofoam cup . " Here 's your bait . Watch out for the worms , they bite . Like to have taken my finger off one time . " " We need somebody to stay and watch the gear . All right ? Seeing as how you 're such an expert and everything , I figured you wouldn 't mind fishing down here by yourself . I mean , I know how privacy is meaningful when people fish . OK ? Fine . " " But , " I said , " but . . . " I looked around , but all I saw was the tarp and the grill and the little box of charcoal . It didn 't exactly need an armed guard to defend it , I could see that . " We 'll be back as soon as it gets dark , " Grover said , coming back with the case of beer . " We 'll be back before you know it . " Then the two of them headed off upstream , and then there wasn 't a thing to see except the leaves of trees , the muddy river , and the hook hanging down in midair like a question nobody had paid attention to . The sun had sunk low enough to make the river turn bright yellow down the middle by the time I got my line out of the tree . After I reeled it in I stood for a minute , staring at the water over the tip of my pole . It wasn 't muddy anymore , just bright and yellow . Occasionally I heard the splash of a fish , though I never saw one ; the glare was too much - or else I was a fool for something and didn 't know it . That glare might have been a million fish , all of them huddling together , their scales flashing the sun , and I wouldn 't have known the difference . All of it put me in mind of the beer in the case on the tarp , so I went up under the pines , grabbed the case by a flap , then pulled it all the way down to the bank . I opened a bottle and put the cap back into the box . For a while after that I just drank the beer , then after that I drank another one . Then it seemed to be time to do something else . I 'd leaned the pole against a tree , right beside the cup with the worms in it . The worms were thick and long in there , writhing in and out of a thimbleful of dirt . They didn 't look like they had teeth ; they didn 't look like they had heads ; but I was careful . I had to open up another beer to Dutch my courage , which should have told me to stop what I was doing then and there , except I couldn 't stand the thought of Jerry 's fat face saying he guessed we didn 't have fish where I came from either . And worse , the thought of Grover 's face , disappointed in me maybe , his good feeling for me gone forever because I couldn 't catch a fish , because I was a liar and forty and pitiful . When I pushed the middle of a worm onto the hook it corkscrewed itself around the shaft , grabbing on like a furious hug . Both ends of the worm were as blind and helpless as the tips of fingers . This time I cast beyond the trees , right into the river where the current immediately began to take the line down - stream . All I did was stand there and watch it and hold the pole , even when the line stretched out to a 90 - degree angle . As long as the hook didn 't bite into the bank downstream , I figured I was fishing . I stood there like that for a long time , at least for two beers ' worth of standing , although after a while I sat down on the case of beer . I didn 't know anymore how many beers I 'd had - which is just exactly too many - but I began to think , sitting there on the case . I began to think about fish , the walleyes and the other things down under the water . I could picture them swimming through the brown haze , the glare of the sun overhead like a sky on fire , swimming through all that because they knew what they were doing . They belonged there and knew what they were doing , and I didn 't . I wondered whether Bucky belonged wherever he 'd gone , whether he 'd come back , the way I 'd read that salmon did , except then they died . Thinking about Bucky coming back and dying was almost a peaceful way to look at it . " Come back and die , you old bastard , you , " I said out loud , but not in a hateful way . Sometimes a curse is a way of showing affection or hope about things . " Or else don 't , " I said , " and stay with Miss Tight - ass and see what happens . I might have other fish to fry , by God . " I was a conversational fool right then . It must have been the beer , I think , that and the nature everywhere . Then I felt a pressure on the line , which scared me to death . Of a sudden the last thing in the world I wanted to do was catch a fish . I jerked the pole , started reeling in the line as fast as I could , reeling it in so quickly I could tell it was all right , that I hadn 't hooked anything . When the hook came up the worm was gone . It had been a sorry sight from the beginning , so I was glad to see it gone . Nothing curled up the way it had been is a pleasant thing to see . I leaned the pole back against the tree and left it there . Upstream I saw a beer bottle floating down and I knew it was Jerry 's , Jerry being a pig and an asshole . Another one came by , too , and that was Jerry throwing Grover 's bottle in . I thought about all those fish under there looking up at the bottles , wondering what the devil they were , friends or enemies . It made me sick to my stomach , though that might have been the beer . I was a little dizzy and sick . I went up to where the tarp was spread out on the pine needles , lay down , and stretched out . For a minute everything swarmed around , but it quit that after a time . It might have been a few minutes or a few hours ; I don 't know how long it was , except when I woke up it was dark and my head hurt and I could hear them coming through the woods . I lay still to keep my head from hurting . They were laughing about something when they came , Jerry 's voice snorting and hawking , Grover 's voice strange - high - pitched , gigglish , like a girl 's somehow . It wasn 't the same pleasant laugh I 'd heard him make back in town , so I knew they were drunk as skunks on the beer . I rose up on my elbows to see better , wincing as I did it . They had fish , at least four of them that I could see hanging from Jerry 's hand ; all Grover had was a six - pack in one hand the poles in the other . It was dark and they were just dark shadows against the even darker trees . " Where 's the little lady ? " Jerry called out . " Where 's that little Dale Evans fishing champion ? Shit , she didn 't even start the charcoal . I told you , I told you she wouldn 't have . " I stayed put , just watched Jerry 's big fat shadow crouch over the grill . " Grover , you start this up . I 'll clean the fish . I 'll clean my fish , you worthless son of a bitch . You got no talent , I swear , two fucking no - talents and me smack in the middle . " Grover giggled , crouching over the grill now . When the charcoal lit up , I could see Jerry squatting over a fish with a knife in his hand and blood everywhere . He 'd taken off his shirt , showing a fat stomach that hung like two huge bloody lips over his belt buckle . He was none too steady , kept clutching the fish to his stomach , grabbing it up , and pulling stuff out of it . The charcoal settled into an orange glow that made the needles over my head look like a blue wave crashing down . " I 'm more of a goddamn Indian than you are , " Jerry said and stood up with half a fish in one hand and the knife in the other . I could see his silhouette flexing its arm muscles at the river . The river was invisible , though . " I 'm a goddamn savage is what I am . " He turned toward where I was and I could see the blood and fish scales all over the front of him . I wished that the light from the grill would go out . I wished the sun would come up and then it would all be over . " Where 's the little lady ? " he called , stumbling up toward the tarp . " I see you , " he said . " I see you , you fucking liar . Fishing , my ass . " He stood at the edge of the tarp , swaying , squinting down at me with the light from the grill glowing off the back of his head . Then he dropped the knife and the fish and his face grimaced in a terrible way . " You don 't know for shit about fishing . You don 't know for shit about me . Grover , he 's a puppy . He 's a damn ass - backward puppy . " I could see Grover come weaving up from the grill , still giggling , giggling as though there were a mosquito in his throat . " Grover , Grover , " Jerry said in a voice he thought was mine , but wasn 't . " I know you . I seen you somewhere before . I seen you and you 're up to a different kind of fishing . I know you . I know you . Honey , " he said , " honey , I 'm your friend . " " I 'll kill you , you fat asshole , I 'll kill you ! " I shouted , but I could hear Grover giggling off to the side and I could smell Jerry and then I could feel Jerry and it was no use . It was no use . It seemed like it was Jerry doing it all , then it seemed like it was Grover , and then it seemed like it might have been Bucky or Granby at the racetrack or the obscene phone caller or my father with checkers in his hands . It seemed like I was underwater with beer bottles everywhere . Then I started throwing up and it was over . For a long time I didn 't move . I could hear the two of them talking down by the grill . They sounded exactly like two men on a fishing trip talking about things men talk about on fishing trips . I turned on my side , curled myself up , then lay still . I lay so still I thought I could feel the river moving underneath me . I lay still so long I wondered about myself . Off above the trees I recognized stars , all of them flung out across a million billion miles of nothing , but I recognized them . They looked like candles on a cake , a cake as big and sad as dying one day would be . I wondered if I 'd done something to deserve all this . I wondered what it was that had brought me to this . I could see the stars and feel the river moving under me and I wondered , to keep myself still , I wondered , Did I do something wrong ? Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

One day at a time sweet Jesus that 's all I 'm asking from you . Just give me the strength to do everyday what I have to do . Yesterday 's gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine . Lord help me today , show me the way one day at a time . I spent Christmas in Omaha again this year with , Sister Johanna ( my aunt ) and Sister Jeanne . Before you ask - no , there was no blizzard this year and the weather was pleasant - slightly colder than Denver . In fact , it was 40 degrees Thursday morning in Omaha when I left . The flight left on time and arrived in Denver 30 minutes early . I have not had that happen in the past . It started snowing shortly after I arrived and became Denver 's worst snowstorm of the season . Good thing I had an early flight . I knew the good weather would not last forever . It had been in the 50 's and 60 's the whole time I was gone . It turned out to be a very sad time for the Mercy Community . One of Johanna 's dear friends was in a car crash . They think she must have had a massive heart attack . For those of you that know some of the sisters , Stella was one of the sisters that was with Johanna for their 50th Jubilee . A few days later Sister Joan ( pronounced JoAnn ) died . She has fought a battle with cancer for 19 years and has been on Chemo every week for years for the liver cancer . She also was a very close friend and lived next door to Johanna and Jeanne . Sister Marie , who lives on their floor , stumbled over a rod sticking out from a snow removal . When she fell she broke her pelvis and has a couple of other fractures in her hip and leg . Then two other sisters being taken care of at the Villa also died . It was a very hectic two weeks for the sisters . We did have the opportunity to put the sadness aside for a couple of days and visited the Lauritzen Gardens , Omaha 's Botanical Center , on Sunday . It turned out to be free admission , which makes it that much better . It was the most beautiful display of Poinsettias that I have ever seen , over 5200 on display . The Poinsettias are changed every three weeks . The ones on the tree are on a wired frame . They have a very small person climb this cage , on the inside , and change out the Poinsettias . They had large train sets going all over the place and one was going right through the center of the tree . Sister Jeanne 's brother , Father Charlie , joined us and we had a wonderful lunch while we were there . On Monday we went to the Historic General Dodge House in Council Bluffs for a private tour . It was absolutely beautiful and we were able to go clear up to the third floor , and then to the basement with its brick floor . The house was decorated for Christmas , which made it very special . One of Jeanne 's nieces went with us . On Tuesday Johanna and I met with some very special people to have lunch . Then on Wednesday we took a day of rest and stayed around the apartment . It was really nice down time . Thursday morning , bright and early , I flew home . My little Ember was so glad to see me . After I got unpacked all she wanted to do is stay right with me . Every time I left the bedroom she would sit on the bed and call me back . I would lie down on the bed and she would lie on top of me . I was not getting out of her sight again . She has been right with me all day again today . What would I do without my little love ? It was a wonderful welcome home . The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve . He hadn 't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away . It was just another day to him . He didn 't hate Christmas , just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through . Instead of throwing the man out , Old George as he was known by his customers , told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy , I 'll just go . " He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It ain 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . Stew . . . Made it myself . When you 're done , there 's coffee and it 's fresh . " Just at that moment he heard the " ding " of the driveway bell . " Excuse me , be right back , " George said . There in the driveway was an old ' 53 Chevy . Steam was rolling out of the front . The driver was panicked . " Mister can you help me ! " said the driver , with a deep Spanish accent . " My wife is with child and my car is broken . " George opened the hood . It was bad . The block looked cracked from the cold , the car was dead . " But Mister , please help . . . " The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside . He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building , opened the garage , started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Here , take my truck , " he said . " She ain 't the best thing you ever looked at , but she runs real good . " George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night . He turned and walked back inside the office . . " Glad I gave ' em the truck , their tires were shot too . That ' ol truck has brand new . " George thought he was talking to the stranger , but the man had gone . The Thermos was on the desk , empty , with a used coffee cup beside it . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant no customers . He discovered the the block hadn 't cracked , it was just the bottom hose on the radiator . " Well , shoot , I can fix this , " he said to " Those tires ain 't gonna get ' em through the winter either . " He took the snow treads off of his wife 's old Lincoln . They were like new and he wasn 't going to drive the car anyway . As he was working , he heard shots being fired . He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground . Bleeding from the left shoulder , the officer moaned , " Please help me . " George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic . He knew the wound needed attention . " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the wound . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anythin ' , " he said , trying to make the policeman feel at ease . " Something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there , I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " The phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car . " He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio . He went back in to find the policeman sitting up . " Thanks , " said the officer . " You could have left me there . The guy that shot me is still in the area . " George sat down beside him , " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain 't gonna leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . Bullet passed right through ' ya . . Good thing it missed the important stuff though . I think with time your gonna be right as rain . " " Oh , yer gonna drink this . Best in the city . Too bad I ain 't got no donuts . " The officer laughed and winced at the same time . The front door of the office flew open . In burst a young man with a gun . " Give me all your cash ! Do it now ! " the young man yelled . His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before . He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need money , well then , here . It ain 't much but it 's all I got . Now put that pea shooter away . " George pulled $ 150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man , reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time . The young man released his grip on the gun , fell to his knees and began to cry . " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I 've lost my job , my rent is due , my car got repossessed last week . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Bein ' stupid is one of the things that makes us human . Comin ' in here with a gun ain 't the answer . Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man had stopped crying . He looked over to the cop . " Sorry I shot you . It just went off . I 'm sorry officer . " George could hear the sounds of sirens outside . A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt . Two cops came through the door , guns drawn . " Chuck ! You ok ? " one of the cops asked the wounded officer . George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . " Here you go , something for the little woman . I don 't think Martha would mind . She said it would come in handy some day . " The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw . " I can 't take this , " said the young man . " It means something to you . " George reached into the box again . An airplane , a car and a truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's something for that little man of yours . " " Well , after my wife passed away , I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Puttin ' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Bakin ' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was gettin ' a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists . The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself . " That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man . " The stranger moved toward the door . " If you will excuse me , George , I have to go now . I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned . " Thanksgiving is just a week away and the time of year that people take inventory of all the things that have happened over the past year that they are thankful for . I , on the other hand , give thanks to my Glorious God every single day . The year has had its ups and downs but the most magnificent news was in February when they said that my endometrial cancer was not active . ( They do not use the word remission , but I am okay with that . ) I have decided to wait until after the New Year to have any more testing done to see where I am with the cancer . I am thankful to all of my family and friends that continue to support me . I am especially thankful to my dearest and best friend Rebecca . God put her in my life to help me through all of this . She is the sister that I never had . I cannot forget Laurie who also is like a sister and is always available to make me laugh and take care of my cats . I do not know what I would do without these wonderful women . One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward ; but in spite of all we could do , she died , leaving us with a tiny , premature baby and a crying two - year - old daughter . We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive ; as we had no incubator ( we had no electricity to run an incubator ) . We also had no special feeding facilities . Although we lived on the equator , nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts . One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in . Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle . She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle , it had burst ( rubber perishes easily in tropical climates ) . ' And it is our last hot water bottle ! ' she exclaimed . As in the West , it is no good crying over spilled milk , so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles . They do not grow on trees , and there are no drugstores down forest pathways . ' All right , ' I said , ' put the baby as near the fire as you safely can , and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm . ' The following noon , as I did most days , I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me . I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby . I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough , mentioning the hot water bottle , and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills . I also told them of the two - year - old sister , crying because her mother had died . During prayer time , one ten - year - old girl , Ruth , prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children . ' Please , God ' she prayed , ' Send us a hot water bottle today It 'll be no good tomorrow , God , as the baby will be dead , so please send it this afternoon . ' While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer , she added , ' And while You are about it , would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she 'll know You really love her ? ' As often with children 's prayers , I was put on the spot . Could I honestly say ' Amen ? ' I just did not believe that God could do this . Oh , yes , I know that He can do everything ; the Bible says so . But there are limits , aren 't there ? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland . I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time , and I had never , ever , received a parcel from home . Anyway , if anyone did send me a parcel , who would put in a hot water bottle ? I lived on the equator ! Halfway through the afternoon , while I was teaching in the nurses ' training school , a message was sent that there was a car at my front door . By the time I reached home , the car had gone , but there on the verandah was a large 22 - pound parcel . I felt tears pricking my eyes . I could not open the parcel alone , so I sent for the orphanage children . Together we pulled off the string , carefully undoing each knot . We folded the paper , taking care not to tear it unduly Excitement was mounting . Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box . From the top , I lifted out bThen , as I put my hand in again , I felt the . . . . . . could it really be ? I grasped it and pulled it out . Yes , a brand new , rubber hot water bottle . I cried . I had not asked God to send it ; I had not truly believed that He could . Ruth was in the front row of the children . She rushed forward , crying out , ' If God has sent the bottle , He must have sent the dolly , too ! ' Rummaging down to the bottom of the box , she pulled out the small , beautifully - dressed dolly . Her eyes shone ! She had never doubted ! Looking up at me , she asked , ' Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl , so she 'll know that Jesus really loves her ? ' Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive . There is no cost , but a lot of rewards . Let 's continue praying for one another . It is autumn in Colorado and this is the first year that I have had the opportunity to really take the time and enjoy the scenery . Rebecca and I took off after church on October 3rd and did a road trip down south - in her convertible . It was absolutely the most amazing , perfect time of the year to see the color changes . We returned on October 7th . We took the Million Dollar Highway from Montrose to Durango - spectacular ! And , on this beautiful highway we had a 20 minute delay for road work . Not a big problem we took lots of pictures . As we left Blue Mesa Lake we had not picked up speed yet when a deer ran across the road in front of us . After stopping to look at us he went over the embankment . I jumped out of the car to get a picture . When I started to get back in the car it was rolling so I just shut the door . That is when I noticed that we were on the road - there was no shoulder . We were blocking traffic - including a police car . He waved everyone to go around us and came up on my side of the car . He wanted to know if we had a problem so I just blurted out that a deer ran in front of us . He asked if we hit - no . Were we okay - yes . And then I said " I just wanted to take a picture of it . " He told us to be careful and not to stop on this section to take any more pictures . We spent the day in Mesa Verde seeing the Indian dwellings . We had lunch in the park and actually cooked out on Rebecca ' little cook stove . We had Salmon , corn on the cob , apple dumplings . What a great lunch . In fact , we only at out one time during the four days . Two of the places we stayed did serve breakfast so we took advantage of that . Utah was breathtaking . Pictures and more pictures . The only problem is that pictures do not do this beauty justice . There was just so much to see in our short trip that it is hard to tell about all of it . This is the longest time that I have been in a car since before I got sick . I had a wonderful time but I have to admit that I was exhausted once I got back . Mario is getting bigger and more beautiful as time goes on . He is a strange little cat but that is what makes cats interesting . They each have their own personality just like people . This picture was taken in his backyard . Notice I said " his " backyard . He never went outside until he moved in with Laurie . It is fenced in and the cats get to go out everyday , several times a day . They love the backyard . Laurie and / or Craig watch all three cats while they are out there . Last Saturday I went to Laurie 's ( they were out of town ) to give Mo his pills ( he has cancer ) . There are only about three of us that feel comfortable giving Mo his medications . Jan was there to feed the cats and she was still there and had the three cats out in the backyard ( Mo , Noir , Mario ) . I saw Mario stalking something and then he finally pounced . It looked like a snake but it was weird looking and it kept curling around . It was only about 3 - 4 inches long , had little tiny black beady eyes , and it looked like it had been chopped off . It was about the size of a nickel in diameter . Mario kept putting his paw on it but I was afraid that he would try to pick it up in his mouth . I finally got a pine cone and pushed it under the fence . When I got home I looked it up on the Internet and yes , there is such a snake that is known as a blind snake . It has no teeth so it can 't hurt the cats . Laurie and Craig have found their den but no one knows how many there are - just where there is one , there are more . ( I have a friend whose sister has terminal breast cancer . She has been on chemo or radiation for over two years now . She has two teenage sons . I saw this story on her blog and borrowed it for my blog . I know that she would not mind if I share such a touching story . ) It was pouring outside . The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters , so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout . We all stood there , under the awning , just inside the door of the WalMart . We waited , some patiently , others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day . I am always mesmerized by rainfall . I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world . Memories of running , splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day . Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in , " Mom let 's run through the rain " , she said . " What " , mom asked . " Let 's run through the rain " , she repeated . No honey , we 'll wait until it slows down a bit " , mom replied . This young child waited a minute and repeated , " Mom , let 's run through the rain ! " " We 'll get soaked if we do " , mom said . " No we won 't mom . That 's not what you said this morning " , the young girl said as she tugged on her mom 's arm . " This morning ? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet " , the mother asked ? " Don 't you remember " , said the little girl ? " When you were talking to daddy about his cancer , you said , if God can get us through this , He can get us through anything ! " The entire crowd stopped dead silent … I swear you couldn 't hear anything but the rain . We all stood silently . No one left . The mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say . Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly . Some might even ignore what was said . But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child 's life . A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith . ' Honey , you are absolutely right . Let 's run through the rain . If GOD let 's us get wet , well maybe we just need washing ' , mom said . Then off they ran . We all stood watching , smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes , through the puddles . They got soaked . They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars . And yes , I did . I ran . I got wet . I needed washing . Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions , they can take away your money , and they can take away your health . But no one can ever take away your precious memories . So , don 't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday . To everything there is a season and time to every purpose under heaven . They say it takes a minute to find a special person , an hour to appreciate them , a day to love them , but then an entire life to forget them . Today I had my last appointment with my surgeon . The very day I have been waiting for - it has been over two years since I have not had a doctor 's appointment and this is going to be a much needed reprieve . Only God knows if / when this will all start up again so I will continue to take it one day at a time . I also will continue to get my blood markers done , and PET scans only if my oncologist feels it is necessary . When I went to her office I knew that the seroma was gone and there was no more accumulation of fluid . She said she wanted to see for herself and after careful examination she admitted I was right . She once again gave me the " pep " talk about chemo and radiation therapy and requested that I go talk with the radiologist . My answer was - " no " ! I have full range of motion with my arm so she put " excellent " in my chart with lots of exclamation points . She then asked if I wanted to continue visits or did I want to call her if I needed something . I bet you can guess which option I chose . She gave me a hug and said that she hoped not to see me again under these circumstances . I give all the glory to my God . Praising God will renew and rejuvenate you . Psalms 59 " I will sing of your strength in the morning and I will sing of your love for you are my refuge in times of trouble . " When I returned from Omaha I had an appointment with my surgeon . The seroma , this time , was only a third of what it has been so I feel that it is starting to slow down . I choose not to do another procedure with Interventional Radiology . My surgeon confirmed that I know my body better than she does and will respect my decisions . Although , she does get her little dig in each time about doing chemotherapy and radiation therapy . I told her that " if " the cancer comes back I will deal with it . I just want to live as pain free and productive life as possible . When God is ready to take me home - He will ! Since there will not be a lot to report on my health at this time . I think I am going to write about my many blessings starting with my move to Denver in 1996 and the reason I moved . It will be in segments and one at a time because it probably will turn into a book . But this is my journal of my journey and it is the only one I have , so I will keep writing . When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us , we often find that it is those who , instead of giving advice , solutions , or cures , have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand . The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion , who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement , who can tolerate not knowing , not curing , not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness , that is a friend who cares . ~ Henri Nouwen The week of August 21st until the 28th I was in Omaha for my aunts Jubilee . Sister Johanna Burnell , RSM has been a nun for 50 years . What an exciting day starting with Mass on Sunday , the 22nd , said by Father Charlie O ' Rourke , Sister Jeanne 's brother . After Mass dinner followed in the auditorium at Mercy High School where Johanna had been President for 21 years . ( She retired last year . ) There were four other sisters celebrating so I am not sure how many people were present for the entire event . Lots of friends and families for all of the sisters . The sad part of the trip was that Johanna was diagnosed with pneumonia the week before . It was really hard for her to work and to do the preparation for the event . We worked at the school a couple of hours on Saturday getting tables , etc . set up and there were a lot of people there to help . On Tuesday the doctor diagnosed her with severe bronchitis and put her on heavy doses of medication . Then on Thursday the 26th , Sister Jeanne 's brother - in - law died from a massive heart attack . He lived in Council Bluffs . His wife is in a wheel chair , a polio recipient , and depended on her husband for help . Sister Jeanne and Sister Johanna share an apartment and are best friends . Jeanne is part of our family and comes to all of our events and Johanna is part of Jeanne 's family and goes to all of their events . It was a very sad and tragic loss for both of them . On Saturday night , before the big event , we had a family picnic at Mercy Acres . We had a wonderful prayer time and lots of memories of childhood flowing . There were only 20 of us there plus Sister Jeanne . One of my highlights was getting to ride on my cousins Harley Tri Bike . I had to borrow shoes and socks and a helmet but at least I was able to ride . I might just make a good biker - chick . All in all it was one of those very exciting weeks and a very sad week . Like good news , bad news . However , I will be going back to spend Christmas in Omaha . Hopefully there will be no blizzard this time . No I am not superstitious , normally . Several months ago before my surgery I started volunteering at the Front Desk on Friday mornings from 8am to 11am . I took two months off after my surgery and started back on August 6th . This Friday morning , the 13th , I was sitting on the floor playing with Ember and that funny feeling hit me - it was Friday - it was also 9 : 45 . I jumped up , brushed my teeth , put on some clothes and was downstairs by 10 . Very embarrassed . Lynn , the gentleman that is always down there on Friday mornings when I am not there - was not there either but his wife was . She said that she came down at 8 : 45 and saw that no one was there - it was all dark . Not good ! So she took over . She said , " no problem , it happens all the time . " I doubt that , but it was nice of her to say so . I assured her that I probably would not forget Friday mornings again , but if I did to please call me . And , I confirmed that I would be there on the 20th but not on the 27th . On the 21st , I am going to Omaha for a week . We will have a family picnic at Mercy Acres on Saturday night and there is a celebration , on Sunday , the 22nd , starting with Mass and then dinner to follow . This Jubilee is for my aunt and four other nuns . They have been Mercy nuns for 50 years . It should be a wonderful day , lots of families and lots of excitement . Health - wise I am doing fine . I feel good and have little discomfort from my continual seromas . I have no drains in so the fluid builds up until it needs to be drained . Obviously the last procedures with Interventional Radiology , did not work so I will go about every 10 days to have it drained . I will go again just before I leave for Omaha and then I have an appointment when I get back . No one can answer the question , " Why am I still filling with fluid ? " They say that this happens to some people . Okay - I will accept that . ( I have researched this on the internet and found it to be true . ) Well there probably won 't be another posting until I come back from Omaha , unless something really exciting happens . Not that this posting was exciting - but there will be less and less to write about . At least I am praying for that . We all have our everyday adventures , etc . , so I do not want to bore you with my everyday life - like the car . ( Three things in three weeks - the car should be good to go . ) I continue to take life one day at a time and take nothing for granted . " And my God will meet all your ( my ) needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus . " Philippians 4 : 19 " God abounds with generosity and his goodness is poured out to all his children . He has no favorites . And he fills each one according to their need . We are freed from fear and selfishness when we learn to trust God 's perfect timing in our lives . " Just want to change the pace of my writings from cancer to cars . It is good to talk about something else - right ? Well , I guess that all depends . I would like to be telling you that I bought a new fancy sports car . That is not the case - not on my budget . Week before last someone left a note on my window saying I had a very low tire on the back . Not a problem I stopped and put air in the tire and then drove right to Peerless Tires to have it fixed and my tires rotated . I do this every 3 , 000 miles and it was time . I asked that they please check that back tire because I had just put air in it . They rotated the tires and said that my car was ready . I asked if they had checked that tire and they said that it was okay just low . I am looking kind of puzzled but they know their business , I 'm thinking . Two days later I was back . The tire is now on the front and yes there was a nail in it . Grrrrr ! Last week I had the oil changed . Nothing unusual about this , I always have the oil changed at 3 , 000 miles . When I started to pay the bill , he said you have a couple of small leaks that need to be taken care of right away . What leaks ? When he started explaining I told him that had just been done less than a year ago . He looked it up and it was in November . My 2001 Grand Prix has a bad GM motor in it and the gaskets go bad about every four years - lucky me . This is very expensive to have the gaskets replaced . It was still under warranty and they fixed it for no charge . This week one day when I started the car the battery light was on . I made a call to see how serious this was and my friend , Steve , told me to go to Auto Zone and have the battery tested . He also said that it could be the alternator . They said the battery was bad so I bought a new one , met Steve , and he put it in for me . He returned with me to Auto Zone to make sure the refunds were made because it was a seven year battery replaced in five years . I told them that the battery light was still on . They checked the alternator and it was bad , but not that bad . I had errands to run so it was decided that we would take care of the alternator latter since the new battery would be okay for awhile . Have no idea how much charge was in the battery and I drove way down south to run my errands and on the way back home I new it was going to quit on me . And then a God thing happened . I was at 1st St and the lights went out . Steve lives right off of 1st St . I was hoping I could make it to his house . I didn 't ! The car stopped at the stop sign and right across the street , two houses up , was Steve 's house . I hated to call Steve because he was at the hospital with his dad . I just didn 't know what else to do . He said to leave the car sit there and he would take care of it when he got home . I walked down to his house and gave his wife my keys and a credit card and she took me home . I felt so bad leaving all this work for him . He was at the hospital for four hours and then had Life Group that evening and did not even get started on my car until late evening . How do you say " thank you " to good friends . Only God knows what we need and he puts the right people in place each time . There is one young lady in the church that has helped me out on several occasions and when I tell her that I don 't want to impose on her , she will say , " Don 't you take my blessing away from me . " And then I do understand . " God has blessed you with his kindness . Why not pass it on ? Kindness is always contagious . Start an epidemic where you live . All it takes is one to light the way . " The bad news - It is now a week later , August 7th , since they said that I no longer needed treatment for the seroma . Wrong again ! The seroma is back in full force . I am going to call the surgeons office Monday morning to see if I can get it drained again . I may just have to do this once a week , or so , until it stops . I cannot keep paying the huge co - pays only to have them not do the treatment . And , I do not want that huge drain hanging on me again . The good news - I did get my bra and a prosthesis on Monday . It looks so normal . That was such an exciting day that I was calling or texting everyone telling them that I felt like a young girl getting her first bra . I cannot begin to tell you how uplifting it is . ( No pun intended . ) It 's Friday , July 30th , morning and Rebecca picks me up a 6 : 30 for my second round of Betadine treatment . The hospital was expecting me and I was taken to a private room and prepared for the treatment . The same nurse blew out another vein trying to start the IV and this was after wrapping my arm in a hot towel . The second nurse took her time and was successful . The antibiotic was started and then I was taken down to Interventional Radiology and given some more stuff so this would be a pain free procedure . Since the cavity was so large last time they were hoping to inject a smaller amount of Betadine this time . The radiologist started the injection and no Betadine would go in . He determined that there was no blockage in the tube and he tried again . He said that it was time to take it out - so he did . They put a compression bandage on me for three days and then everything should be okay . All of the confusion from last week still remains with me . I was getting so many different stories of how many treatments this would be . Why couldn 't someone just say that it would be 1 - 3 treatments and maybe more . How hard is that . What little drainage is still left should be absorbed by the body . " God 's ears are open to the desperate in heart . His eyes are aware of their need . Ask him to visit your most hopeless situation . God is always looking for a place to put a miracle . " Mastectomy on June 7th . Left the hospital with 2 drains . The drains were removed on the 25th . However , that was too soon and I developed a seroma . On the 29th my surgeon drained the seroma and put a catheter in so I could continue draining . On Monday , July 19th , three weeks later , they said the catheter had to be taken out , even though I was still draining large amounts of fluid , because there was too much chance for infection , and besides I should have quit draining by now . By the end of the day a seroma was developing again . On Tuesday I contacted the surgery nurse , again , to see what can be done . The rest of the week gets more interesting / confusing so bear with me . There are lots of phone calls going back and forth and I only learn later that most of the information was not correct . Tuesday - The surgery nurse calls me back and she has talked with my surgeon . Since I am still draining so much the next step would be with Interventional Radiology . They will do a sclerosing procedure . This procedure is one time only and there has been a high rate of success . She explained it to me . They will drain the cavity and then fill it with a sclerosing solution , leave it in an hour and then drain it and it will be all over with . Okay sounds simple enough so we made an appointment at St Jo Hospital at 6 : 30 Friday morning . I should take someone with me . ( A little doubt in my mind about how simple this is going to be . ) Wednesday - A gentleman from radiology calls me to get me pre - admitted . There are a lot of questions being asked back and forth . He was surprised that I thought it was a one time procedure and tells me that it may be more than a one time . Hmmmm ! The procedure could be painful but that they will make sure I do not feel the pain , I will have an IV . As soon as I told him that I had had a pulmonary embolus he wanted to know if I was on blood thinners - yes . He almost panicked . He said my PT INR had to be 2 . 3 or less . I personally didn 't see this as much of a problem because I still had two nights not to take my medicine but he wanted me off of it for four nights . The call almost ended immediately and he said he would call me back - he never did . The surgery nurse called me back and wanted to cancel for Friday and Move it to Tuesday so I could be off my med . I talked her into letting me go and getting my blood tested to see where it was . If it was close to 2 . 3 I had no problem - it would be down by Friday morning . It was 2 . 5 so she decided that it was too close a call . I kept telling her it would be down by Friday and to call my anticoagulation guy and he would explain it to her . I asked her to please keep me on the schedule for Friday because this seroma was growing by the day . She said that if I was not in the correct range that they would not do the procedure so she would keep me on the schedule for Tuesday also . I would take my chances . My anticoagulation guy called me and said to hold my meds Wednesday night and Thursday night and I would be fine . He said if you want to be sure it is down - and then gave me a little tip - which I did . Okay - now is the funny part . You know how I like humor in everything . I put my pills in a container and just take them daily morning and night . After all this commotion all day I took my pills and did not give it another thought until about a half hour later . You know how your stomach goes into a knot when you know you have done something wrong and you cannot reverse it - well . . . I fretted over this for about another half hour thinking what am I going to do - I have really messed up . For some unknown reason I went out and looked in my pill container . There were three pills that did not dump into my hand when I took my pills earlier and one of them was my blood thinner . I think you all can figure out the unknown reason - all I could do was thank God over and over . When we least expect Him to be in our lives - there He is every time ! Friday - Rebecca picked me up and we were checking into the hospital and I was getting the funny feeling that they were not really expecting me . They did finally take me up to a private room and then the staff wasn 't sure what I was there for . Yes , I am still laughing . Finally this nurse - not really sure who she was or which department she was from , started talking about the procedure and that my PT INR had to be at 2 . 0 or they would not do the procedure . She also started saying that they would not be injecting any sclerosing agent , they would just be draining the seroma . Rebecca and I just looked at each other . I am sure glad she was there with me or I would have been crying instead of laughing . My PT INR was at 1 . 47 . The nurse that was to take care of me blew out a vein trying to put in the IV so she had to call the IV therapy team to come up . After two hours they finally have me all ready for the procedure , and radiology was ready for me . It was another hour before they come to get me . The person before me was really a problem per the radiologist . Okay I am down there now . Every one is so nice . The doctor came out and apologized to me for all of the confusion that has gone on . He realized that I really had no idea what was happening and that no one had explained this procedure to me properly . After he explained it to me he asked if I still wanted to go through with it - it was not too late to back out . Long story short - He put in a long catheter with a curly tail on it and he even let me see it on the screen . He drained the cavity and then injected it with Betadine . It was in for an hour and then drained . I had to turn every 15 minutes on each side , back and front , to make sure the Betadine went into all the crevasses of the cavity . Meanwhile I do have one humongous drain hanging on me now . Nothing that can be disguised through clothing like the other ones . I will come back next Friday and have the Betadine injection again . And then again the next Friday . Surprise - again ! There is only a 50 percent chance that this will work . He said that they could do surgery again but that usually never works and only will make it worse . Some people are chronic seroma makers . If you have made it through all of this you probably realize that I continue to need prayer . Look what your prayer has done for me so far . Believe me - I am not complaining - this too shall pass . However , I am really glad this week is over . ~ But I want a bra ! ! ! ! ! " My interpretation influences my situation - - It 's not what happens to me that matters as much as how I choose to see it . The way I react will determine whether the circumstance makes me better or bitter . I can view everything as an obstacle or an opportunity for growth - a stumbling block or a stepping stone . " Whoohoo ! ! ! ! Praise God through whom all blessings flow ! " No Active Cancer " I started on Arimidex this morning - antihormonal therapy - one pill a day . No chemotherapy and no radiation therapy per my oncologist . I am not sure that my surgeon knows this yet but she is not going to be a happy camper . Be very specific in what you ask for . " If you want specific answers to prayer , then make specific requests . If your prayers consist of general requests , how will you know if they 're answered ? " My little girl likes to play on the bed while I am trying to make it , or I should say she used to play on the bed . I am not sure what happened but she kind of quit doing that until just recently . I purchased a new set of sheets and they were a very light color and all of the sudden I could see black cat hair all over the top sheet . Needless to say , " I can 't have that . " So , I got the lint roller out and was rolling over the sheet when appeared my black cat and she wanted to play . I rolled it over her once thinking that would be all it took and she would be gone . Wrong - she loved it and now it is our daily routine to get rolled when I make the bed . Sometimes I am not fast enough for her and she stands on the bed looking at the night stand where I keep the roller . Ember is so little ( 10 lbs ) and her hair is very fine . It does little good to comb her or brush her because I am not going to get enough hair out of her to make a difference . The lint roller works great and now my fear is that I might get too much hair out and she will be bald . Do you think that could happen ? Hmmmmm ! Yesterday , July 18th , was my birthday . Why , you ask , is a 67 year old woman so happy about her birthday . The simple answer is - because I had one . As many of you remember , last year at this time my cancer was spreading and my future ( here on earth ) looked pretty bleak . In February 2010 things changed and my terminal cancer was no longer active . They don 't call it remission but I will take whatever they want to call it . I have had another PET scan on Friday and I do not have the results of it back yet . I received so many birthday cards , birthday wishes on FaceBook and at church that I was glowing all day . I am not sure how many people actually knew what it meant to me . I plan on celebrating my birthday every day so if you want to send me birthday wishes anytime in the next year I will accept them and be grateful for each new day . " Sometimes God places unexpected stops in our lives . Some detours yield pleasant surprises , while others are seemingly irritating delays . God looks down from above , seeing the entire picture of our lives as he orchestrates his perfect timing knowing what is best for us . " " Are you facing an unwelcome change or life - altering setback ? If so , don 't suffer alone . Turn to God for the ultimate source of comfort . He never changes . . . and He will surround you with His unfailing love . " " God is near those crushed in spirit . He sees every tear , feels every pain . When no one else can possibly understand the condition of your soul , God knows . If all you can do is breathe , he is as close as that breathe . " " Genuine friendship is an exercise in understanding . What a blessing it is when our friends and loved ones genuinely seek to understand who we are and what we think . Just as we seek to be understood by others , so , too , should we seek to understand the hopes and dreams of our family members and friends . " " What is a friend ? The dictionary defines the word friend as ' a person who is attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard . ' This definition is accurate , as far as it goes , but when we examine the deeper meaning of friendship , so many more descriptors come to mind : trustworthiness , loyalty , helpfulness , kindness , understanding , forgiveness , encouragement , humor , and cheerfulness , to mention but a few . How wonderful are the joys of friendship . Today as you consider the many blessings that God has given you , remember to thank Him for the friends He has chosen to place along your path . May you be a blessing to them , and may they richly bless you today , tomorrow , and every day that you live . " " I laugh , I love , I hope , I try , I hurt , I need , I fear , I cry . And I know you do the same things too , So we 're really not that different , me and you . " ~ Colin Raye " The longer I live , the more I realize the impact of attitude on life . Attitude , to me , is more important than facts . It is more important than the past , the education , the money , than circumstances , than failure , than successes , than what other people think or say or do . It is more important than appearance , giftedness or skill . It will make or break a company . . . a church . . . a home . The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day . We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way . We cannot change the inevitable . The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have , and that is our attitude . I am convinced that life is 10 % what happens to me and 90 % of how I react to it . And so it is with you . . . we are in charge of our Attitudes . " ~ Charles Swindoll

I had to work today , while Sean was home with Liam . In the mid - morning , Liam and Sean came to the museum in the building where I work . I visited them during my break and helped Liam make some festive new year artwork in the craft room . The guys had fun looking at all the exhibits afterward . I came home a bit late , after stopping at the grocery after work . Liam was so excited to see me when I got home ! He gave me a big hug and was in a great mood all evening . Being greeted with a happy munchkin makes a long day of work worth it ! Yesterday Liam celebrated the holidays at daycare . Cheri , his daycare provider , bought small gifts for each of the kids . Liam got a train , of course . ; ) He was so excited about it that when he got home , he had to tell daddy all about it . Liam is working so hard at making sentences now and puts words together . It is cute to see him gesturing with his hands as he attempts to convey what he is thinking . : ) Today we treated Liam to a train ride with the Little River Railroad in Coldwater . This time of year , Little River has a polar express themed train all decked out with Holiday decorations . The trip includes cookies , hot cocoa , and a visit from Santa ! We met my mom at the station and all road together . Liam was so excited ! We sat in the lounge car for our trip out . The windows were nice and large , so Liam got a good view of all the scenery . We ate cookies and Cheetos , and sipped our cocoa . There was a little coal stove in the corner of the car to keep us warm . When we arrived at Quincy , Daddy and Liam wanted to get out to look at the Engine up close . We took a moment to pose on the back of the caboose . It was very chilly outside , so Liam and I went back in the train to warm up while daddy took video of the engine changing position . On the return trip we sat in one of the passenger cars . It was a little cooler , but te seats were comfortable . After a while , then invited us to go see Santa . I talked about Santa a lot to get Liam used to the idea . It seemed like he might actually sit on Santa 's lap today , but once we got next to Santa , Liam suddenly got shy . The best I could do was kneel near Santa with Liam in my arms . Santa offered Liam a candy cane , which took without hesitation , but he did not want to talk to Santa . . . at least he did say thank you for the candy . He did make friends with Frosty . ; ) The rest of the ride back we listened to the train whistle . Liam clowned around and made faces in the video camera after he scarfed down his candy cane . When we arrived back at Coldwater , Liam said bye - bye to the train and to grandma ! He was sad to see them both go . But after a long and busy day , he quickly fell asleep in the car on our drive home . Posted by Look at this awesome picture that I found at a second - hand shop for only $ 5 ! I rearranged Liam 's room just so that I could incorporate it in his play area . I think it really brightens up the room and Liam loves to look at all the fun pictures . Over the last couple weeks Liam 's favorite phrase has been " what 's that " - actually " wat dat " . He usually asked this question every time he wanted to bring my attention to a sound he heard , like : water running through the bathroom pipes , a car on the street , the neighbor 's dog barking , or the distant sound of a train whistle . My mom heard Liam 's " wat dat " while we were talking on the phone last weekend . She laughed and said , he 'll soon be asking " why " . Well wouldn 't you know it , this morning Liam asked his first " why " after I told him I had to go to work . It made me feel a little sad and spark that mommy guilt about being away from my child every day in order to go to work . But on the bright side , he is a bright and inquisitive little boy . While we were at IKEA over the weekend , we picked up a small horse puppet for Liam ( really it 's more of a donkey , but Liam wants us to call it " horse - y " ) . He really loves the puppet and wants mommy and daddy to play puppets with him . Last night he played with his frog puppet and I played with horse . Together horse and frog went looking for bears in the dark , while horse held a flashlight in his mouth . Liam has figured out how to whisper now , and he was very cute whispering quietly as we would sneak up on various bears around the house ( I have several holiday decorations with bears in them ) . We played like this for quite some time . Well , life has been quite busy between work , school , keeping house , and raising Liam . I started a couple of posts in the last week but have not finished them yet … I will try to when I find the time ( ha , ha ) . The amazing thing is that Liam just turned 28 months ! I can hardly believe that he 's such a big boy ! He 's talking even more lately . Just this morning he said " my clothes " and tapped his shirt with his hand , as I was getting him dressed . He usually uses the word " me " rather than " my " , so this was a first . Liam didn 't like the shirt I have picked out for him , so he picked another one out of the drawer . Liam is also singing more lately . He started trying to sing " We wish you a merry Christmas " with his Thomas video last night . He also likes to sing the ABC song when he 's playing - although he 's often missing quite a few letters and they are not in order . ; ) This evening , the snow was coming down pretty good . Sean decided that he wanted to walk down to the Library for some more books and videos . He took Liam along with him , pulling him on his little sled . It was a very cute sight ! My little guy is so accident prone . This is largely of his own making , because he often clowns around and gets himself into trouble . Today I recieved a call from daycare . Apparently , he was clowning around on a chair and fell off and hit his head on the chair as he fell . Poor guy . He actually hit it hard enough to break the skin . But no concussion , luckily ! I constantly marvel at the body 's ability to heal itself . I can hardly believe that it 's only been two weeks since my surgery . I feel so much better than I did before and immediately after the surgery . I think that my health will definitely be improved ! Tonight was the annual Silver Bells in the City celebration . The weather is so cold that I almost decided not to take Liam . But after looking at the schedule , I found a few events that were indoors , so we decided to take him out to the celebration . We started by going to the city market . We visited Mr . And Mrs . Claus . Liam was rather reluctant to interact with them - other than to accept a candy cane from Mrs . Claus . I managed to snap a quick photo of him on Santa 's lap , but as you can see , he was beginning to cry . Oops ! Maybe next year . Liam also saw some clowns at the market . One of them made him a dog out of a balloon . Liam really loved the balloon animal . He played with it so much that he un twisted it and it became a rather lumpy snake . ; - ) We picked up a quick dinner while we were at the market . Then we headed out into the cold to see the parade downtown . Liam was excited to see all the big trucks strung with lights and decorations . We watched the parade for a little bit and then went to donate two stuffed animals to toys for tots . They always have a " house " with a conveyor that takes your toys in . I showed Liam what to do by putting one of the stuffed animals on the conveyor . He put his on and we watched it go bye - bye . I am very proud of him for not getting possessive over the toy after he carried it there . The winter air was so chilly that we sought refuge at the Science Museum . We quickly walked up there before the parade ended . First we stopped downstairs at the model train exhibit . We watched the trains for a while and talked to one of the designers . Then we took Liam up to the toddler room in the Museum . He really loves it there . They have big blocks , towers to drive cars down , slides and climbers , a water play area , a play house , and much more ! He was enjoying himself so much that he didn 't want to leave . But it started getting late and the crowd was getting bigger , so we walked back to the car and headed home to snuggle in bed . Well , it 's been a week and two days since I have my gall bladder removed . Last week was very painful and trying , but I am happy to say that I am feeling much better now ! Hopefully , my health will improve overall , once I am healed . The surgery was fairly non - invasive . I have three small scars and one large scare at my belly button . I am sure they will fade with time . Liam was a little upset last week when I couldn 't play with him like he wanted . But he is doing better this week . I can hug him and hold him , just can 't pick him up yet . He was sad to see the scar at my belly button . Grandma Bev and Grandpa John came up to help me out after my surgery on Thursday and Friday . They ferried me back and forth from various doctor appointments . Liam was so happy when they stayed the weekend . He had grandpa 's undivided attention to play trains . He played peek - a - boo with grandma and grandpa on the couch under a blanket . Sean and I laughed so hard it hurt ! As a special " gift " to Sean and I , grandma and grandpa watched Liam on Saturday afternoon so that we could go see the new James Bond film . The last film that we saw in the theater alone was the previous James Bond file , when my parents watched Liam as a baby ! It was very nice to spend a little time together as a couple and Liam had great fun with his grandparents ! I 've been suffering from gallbladder disease for nearly three years . I finally had my gallbladder removed on Monday . Right now , I look like I was in a knife fight with all the incisions on my abdomen ! I am happy to finally have this surgery , but I am in a LOT of pain right now . My allergies to pain medicine limits what I can take for the pain , and the medicine I have is not very effective . I sure hope that I feel so relief soon ! Today we decided to do something a little different . After our usual chores and Liam 's nap , we went to the community center pool . The weather was too cold outside for fun , so we thought the pool would be a good way for Liam to run off some steam and do something new . The last time Liam was at this pool , he was only around six months old . At first Liam was a little nervous . He clung to daddy or mommy . But slowly he realized that it was lots of fun to be in the water and he started to relax . He practiced kicking in the water . He played with his squirty fish toy and tried holding on to a pool noodle . After we put a floating vest on him , he swam out into the deep water holding onto mommy . He also balanced on the frog float and had fun splashing mommy and daddy ! We had so much fun that we are now seriously thinking of scraping the money together for a family membership . That way we could go swimming every weekend ! PS - It snowed today and started to stick ! This morning at 6 : 30am we walked down to the community center where we vote . When we arrived we were in a short line . Before long , the line went out the building ! We only had to stand in line for about 45 minutes before voting . I was all done by 7 : 30 . The 40th person to vote in my precinct ! Liam was on my back the whole time . We both got " I voted " stickers ! On Sunday , a few friends came over for a little gathering . It was the first time that Lisa and her daughter Lesli came to visit . Leslie is two days older than Liam . Our friends Sara , Ian , and Ellie also came . Ellie was dressed as Bat - girl and was very cute ! Yesterday I came home from work to find that nearly every leaf had fallen off of the big black walnut tree in our front yard in only one day ! The front yard was carpeted with green leaves . So after dinner , we all went outside to rake . Well , daddy and I raked , and Liam played . He loved to hop in the leaves and then fall down into the piles . Today was Halloween , of course . Liam was dressed in his Hobbit costume and I dressed up time time too - as an elf . We walked down the street , while daddy stayed home to hand out candy . Liam liked to visit all the " pumpkin houses , " as he calls them . The neighbors were extremely generous . Liam got toys , candy , and even antique coins . He wasn 't able to walk too far , however , before tiring out . We only walked a few blocks . . . I think it was because his bag was so heavy with all that loot ! Today is daddy 's birthday . Liam was the one who got a treat , however . We took him over to the Halloween festivities at a local mall and met with our friends Alissa and Ashtyn . Ashtyn was dressed as Elmo . Liam was dressed in his doggie costume . We visited a few stores for candy and stickers . Then we setting in the book store to warm up . The kiddo 's played with the train table . We bumped into a few folks from my department and their kids - what a small world . We decided to eat dinner with Alissa and Ashtyn at a Mexican restaurant . It was a tasty meal ! Afterwards , both Liam and Ashtyn tried to use the potty . It was a fun - filled evening . Fall is my favorite time of year . And the best part of Fall are all of he fun Halloween activities to take part in . After a slow start this morning . We made our way to the Lansing City market to purchase chicken , produce , and enjoy some Halloween fun ! All the vendors were dressed up and gave out treats . Liam thought it was funny that the gal from the coop was dressed like a cat . I thought it was funny that Bob , the produce guy , was wearing a rainbow colored clown wig . Liam got to paint a free pumpkin with daddy . After our visit to the market , we stopped in Aldi and then home . Liam didn 't get down for his nap until rather late . Consequently , he snoozed till almost 3 : 30pm . Unfortunately , the Boo and the Zoo event was scheduled to end at 4pm . But we quickly got dressed ( Liam as the hobbit , Frodo ) and hurry to the zoo . They were wrapping things up by the time we arrived . But we found a few zoo keepers who passed out candy . We got to see the zoo decorated with pumpkins , lights , spiders , and skeletons . The big cats had special treats of deer legs . We got a special treat of cider and popcorn . As always , Liam fed the goats . Upon leaving the zoo , Liam spotted his favorite play ground and took off running . I let him slide and swing for a few minutes , but it was bitterly cold and we didn 't stay long . We headed over to Diane and Brian 's house to join daddy at his friend 's party . We stopped in for a half hour or so to eat a little and say " hi " . Liam had fun chasing Diane 's little dogs around the house . Well , last night we finally decided that it was cold enough to turn on the heat , and wouldn 't you know it , the furnace wouldn 't work ! The low temp got down to 27 degrees . Thankfully the house stayed at 55 degrees because of the all the energy - savings improvements and winterizing we did . But it was still rather chilly . I am also very glad that we spent the money to renew our home warranty this year . If everything goes right , we won 't have to pay much for the repairs or possible replacement . . . the furnace is over 45 years old after all . I made some calls and the soonest we could get a contractor to come out is tomorrow afternoon . Let 's cross our fingers and hope that we can get things fixed before next week , since snow is in the forecast . Brrrrr ! . . . Last week Liam had quite an adventure . We took a train trip to Milwaukee . I was attending a conference , but I really wanted Sean and Liam to come with me to experience some of the great things that Milwaukee had to offer . There are a lot of great Museums in Milwaukee . So between attending and giving papers , we walked around and took it all in . Liam was very excited to ride the train . We had to wait a little longer than planned , because the train was two hours late . We were all a little cranky about this , but we made the best of it . Daddy walked down to the corner store and got us donuts . Eventually the train was here . Liam enjoyed watching out the windows for a while . We also stayed busy by visiting the lounge car to play and eat snacks . Later , Liam and I chased each other down the isles , he was getting a little stir - crazy by the time we made it Chicago . Because our train was so late , we had to run to catch our connection . We got there just in time and soon boarded the Hiawatha to Milwaukee . This train didn 't have any lounge , but they did bring some snacks around on a cart . We all enjoyed a drink from the cart and ate the snacks that I packed . It was nearly 3pm by the time we made it to our destination . We walked from the train station to the hotel . Liam rode on my back in the Ergo . Once we got settled in the hotel room , we went to the conference to get me registered . Then we took a stroll around the downtown district . I pointed out some landmarks . Liam liked looking at the river and all the cars . We stopped in a mall for a quick dinner , then went back to the hotel for a shower . We crashed early and slept from 6pm till 7am the next morning . We all needed that sleep because we were all recovering from colds . The next morning , after breakfast at a diner , we walked to the Milwaukee Public Museum . This Museum is really quite spectacular . They have amazing collections of paleontological , anthropological , and ecological materials in really great displays . Liam liked the huge Mammoth skeleton and dinosaurs . He also enPosted by Last night when I got off work , I was feeling like we should get outside and enjoy the sunny weather before it turns cold . So instead of eating dinner at home , we picked up a quick bite to eat and took it to the Potter Park for a picnic dinner . Unfortunately , m plans were dashed by the presence of swarms of mosquitoes , who were also taking advantage of the last vestiges of summer to suck as much blood as possible before dying . We hastily ate while Liam played on the playground . We kept moving , just to keep the mosquitoes from settling on us . It was terrible ! Liam didn 't seem to notice , however , and would have been happy to keep swinging all night if we let him . Sadly , we had to go and get away from the bugs ! This weekend was busy and hectic . But we received a surprise visit from Grandma Bev and Grandpa John . Liam was so excited when he saw them that he gave everyone big bear hugs ! After we finished running or errands , we took some time out to enjoy a yummy lunch and trip to the cider mill with the grandparents . At the mill , Liam got to pick out some pumpkins to decorate our porch . He also got to feed some silly goats . Grandma and grandpa treated us to fresh made donuts and cold cider too ! On Sunday we had our friends Alissa and Ashtyn over for dinner . Miss Ashtyn is quite the expert on dinosaurs now . She brought some dinos for Liam and told us what all their names were . The kiddos were less than excited about the chili dinner that I prepared , but they had a blast playing in Liam 's tunnel after dinner . . . the giggles were non - stop ! In other news , Liam said " you 're welcome " for the first time this weekend after I told him thank you . He can be very polite when he wants to be . ; ) Last night Liam and I pretended to cook meals together . He was very cute choosing ingredients and cooking them up on his stove . He even embellished with sound effects of frying food . We also pretended to go shopping for food . He drove around the house on his scooter carrying bags for his food . Then he would pick out what he wanted , fill up the bag and drive it back to his kitchen . He would occasionally take out his toy phone and talk ( holding it with his chin and shoulder ) while stirring and cooking food - gee , I wonder where he learned this ? After he cooked a pretend meal he would offer some to me and say " here you go . " We pretended to eat it together . Then he would say " you full now " and pat my tummy . I would say " Oh , I 'm SO full from this yummy food ! " and he would laugh and then offer me more food to eat . It really tickles me to see him using his imagination and pretending . All weekend long Liam was counting things every chance he had . He was counting the number of steps as he went upstairs , the number of apples put in a bag , the number of blocks he stacked up , and the number of times he drove a car through playdough , you name it ! He has 1 , 2 , and 3 down . I 've heard him count as high as 6 all on his own . . . And up to 10 with some help . It 's so exciting for me to see him learning such a complex and abstract thing as numbers . This morning we took a short drive to visit my coworker , Julie 's house . She and her husband own 10 acres with gardens , prairie , ponds , and fruit trees . Julie invited us to come out a pick apples from their orchard . Liam had fun helping to carry the bags and filling them with apples . The trees were packed , so we had four paper grocery bags full in no time . Liam loved running around on the property . He also watched for frogs in the pond and got his finger tickled when he fed the hungry koi . There were also lots of great pine cones to pick up under the jack pine trees . When we were done outside , Julie had us in for coffee ( or juice ) and apple muffins . Liam tried to catch one of her cats , but Sunshine was just too fast for him ! He tried to coax her over with some toys , calling " kitty , kitty " . . . but Sunshine was too smart for this toddler . : ) This week at daycare , Liam made some pretty unconventional artwork . All the kiddos got to dance on paper with paint on their feet . Liam 's picture is a pretty red color . Cheri added a caption and date to it with scrap - booking letters . I liked it so much that I framed his artwork . It now hangs on his bedroom door ! Now we will always remember his " snoopy dance , " as daddy calls it . This afternoon we decided to take Liam to the Blue Festival . It is usually a very family friendly event , so we thought that Liam would enjoy it . The weather was just perfect , warm and sunny but no hot . Liam loved walking around in the crowds of people and playing on the chairs in the audience , but he wasn 't very interested in sitting still . We went for a walk and splurged for a little ice cream . Surprisingly , mommy was the only one to end up with chocolate ice cream on her . Then we decided to sit and wait for the next show . I entertained Liam on my lap for a while , playing silly games . Once the music started though , Liam didn 't like the noise and covered his ears . Oh well , I guess he 's not ready for the blues . ; ) Liam loves to be my little helper . This evening he helped sweep the floors for me with the vacuum . We swept the kitchen , dining room , and living room together . He 's actually starting to get the hang of it , but I have to point out the dirt to him and then he will go sweep it up . In other news , I heard from Cheri that Liam didn 't want to sit on the potty at school any more . So in an effort to entice him to try it , I found some potty charts online and printed one out . I found a train potty chart , which Liam was very excited about . I gave it to Cheri today and when I came to pick Liam up from school , Cheri told me that he sat on the potty twice and went # 2 on it ! Reward charts really do make a difference ! PS - I don 't know why blogger keeps turning this photo on its side . . . I 've tried re - loading it four times and it 's always like this , sorry . It rained here all weekend . So there 's not much in way of news . On Sunday I was the master of multi - tasking and got a bunch of stuff done while Liam took a long nap . I made two loaves of bread , two batches of pear preserves , and sorted through six boxes of décor and heirlooms from the basement . I was very successful at winnowing the six boxes down to only two " keepers " and the rest of the stuff will be donated . I am proud to say that I kept only Sean 's grandmother 's depression glass salt - dip and cream / sugar collections in one box . And in the second box is my antique camera collection and a few items hand - crafted by my mother when she had her own business years ago . I kept only those things that were the most important to me or possibly worth something . It has been a slow process of getting rid of things over the years - I have gone through many purges . Now next weekend I just need to tackle all the craft and art supplies in the basement ! The other project I finished up today was the hobbit cloak that I was knitting for Liam 's Halloween costume . Once I get a picture of Liam wearing it I will post it . Saturday morning we ran a bunch of errands in the rain . To maximize our time out of the house , we spent an hour at the hardware store looking at lighting and other things . On Saturdays Lowes has a build - it - yourself project for kids . So we took advantage of that to give Liam something fun to do . He really got into it this time . The project was a little pirate ship . He was very excited to hammer in the nails . . . his aim needs some improvement though . We made a couple more stops before heading home - we were pretty soaked by then . Liam fell asleep on the way home and then napped for a while when I carried him in the house . While he napped , I finally stained our coat wardrobe . I think it looks pretty nice , but with the humidity , it took a while to dry . Unfortunately , later in the day Liam used his toy pliers on it a buggered up the finish a little in the door . Oh , well ! Lately , Liam 's favorite game is " running " arounPosted by I have been blessed by some generous coworkers this week . Julie gave me a bag full of tasty pears and Bill brought me a box full of tomatoes . All of these produce was organic and simply amazing ! I can 't wait to make preserves out of the pears . Today was Liam 's first full day at his new " school " , which we call Cheri 's house . He was so happy and excited when we pulled in the drive . At the door , he said " knock , knock , knock " and tried knocking on the door . This was just so cute . He happily ran in and quickly found the trains to play with . I called just before lunch to see how he was doing and it was still going great . When I came to pick him up . Cheri told me that he had a hard time falling asleep at naptime . I kinda expected this . First of all he has never been a good nap - er , and secondly , he was excited to be in a new place . But he did eventually fall asleep and took a short 1 hour nap . I 'm sure naptime will go smoother tomorrow . The good news , however , was that Cheri told me he sat on the potty with no trouble and actually went # 1 . So this was promising to hear . It gives me so much relief that Liam is so happy and comfortable at the new daycare . I think we are all happy with the change . We were lucky to have Aunt Rae stay with us for part of the week . Liam was spoiled having her here to play with . One night , we went out to eat at the Ethiopian restaurant . The last time we ate there with Liam , he acted like we were poisoning him ! To our surprise , however , he was much more enthusiastic about the food this time . He enjoyed digging into the lentils with his hands and dipping the bread into the lamb stew . The trick was asked for all the mild - flavored meats and lentils . What a feast ! Yum ! On Saturday , Aunt Rae survived a long shopping trip to Target , Aldi , Meijer , and the thrift store , with Liam and I . We were all pretty tired when we came home and by then it was time for Aunt Rae to head home . Thanks for staying with us ! On Sunday , Liam was surprised by a visit from Grandma Bev and Papa John . They came up to visit because they wanted to go to Ikea with us . Shopping with a toddler can be hard , but I tried to plan ahead and brought snacks and toys to keep Liam happy and brought the Ergo for napping . While I was worried that the trip would turn out like our Saturday shopping spree , things went very well this time . It just so happened , that by the time we reached Ikea , we were approaching naptime . Liam played well in the cart for a while , then I could tell he was starting to fade . I put him in the Ergo and he was out like a light . I carried him on my back through the rest of the store . Shopping was peaceful and better yet , grandma found exactly what she was looking for . So we all left the store feeling pretty triumphant ! Grandma and grandpa got to hang out with us for the rest of the day . Liam enjoyed playing trains with grandpa . Later , they bought us a yummy chicken dinner . Liam ( and the rest of us ) ate up ! What a fun week of visitors ! After grandma and grandpa left , Sean and I hung up the new shelf we bought at Ikea . It was the perfect thing to fill the big empty wall in the kitchen . I was very excited to finally display some of my pretty green art pottery . This week was Liam 's last week at EC3 . I was feeling sad that he would have to leave the place that he spent so much time and had made so many friends . His favorite teacher , Burger , was not there for much of the week . He said goodbye to her on Thursday . Burger gave us her address and phone number though , so we could come visit her and her horses some time . Today was Liam 's last day at the big school . It was hard for me not to get emotional as he hugged his friends ( Owen , Liam , Ben , Julian , Jacob , and Brandon ) and teachers ( Adrianne , Sarah , Belle , and Pat - Pat ) goodbye . He seems to understand that he will be going to a new school , but I am not sure he understands that the goodbye is for good . To help him transition to the new place , I got off work a little early every day so that I could take him to his new school for the afternoon . The new place is very different from the old school . The old place had 24 toddlers in 4 classrooms , 8 fulltime teachers , and several additional support teachers . The new place has only one teacher , Cheri , and only 6 kids total . All of the kids are between 15 months and 3 years in age and they are evenly split between boys and girls . Liam gets very excited when he sees Cheri 's house . He seems to really love it there . We shall see how everything goes next week ! Even though the date on this post is September 1st , I am terribly behind on updating the blog and am actually writing this on September 10th . So I will do my best to remember events . On Saturday we took care of chores and such . Late in the afternoon we decided that we were going to go down to my moms lake cottage . After we ran around packing everything for the trip , however , we were too tired to go . So we had a leisure evening watching videos instead . Sunday morning , after a big breakfast of waffles , we headed south to the cottage . It was a perfect warm sunny day . Liam had fun wading in the water and splashing grandma . He tried pulling Grandma 's kayak into the lake , so grandma decided to take him on a paddle . Liam loves to be in a boat ! They paddled around the east side of the lake , looking at the cottages . Liam decided that he wanted to paddle all by himself ( without grandma 's help ) . He didn 't do half bad , but he was not strong enough to make them go anywhere , and eventually grandma had to paddle them back to shore . Liam was so excited to be a the lake that he didn 't want to take a nap . Eventually he laid down for a little while , but not nearly long enough . Great grandma can to spend the afternoon with us . We had lots of fun chatting together on the porch . Liam remembered great grandma and spent most of his time in her lap or play cars with her . Grandma and I made up a big dinner of steaks , fresh melon , coleslaw , homemade bread and jam , and lemon bars for dessert . We all ate very well ! Monday morning was cool and sunny . Liam , daddy , and I took the canoe and grandma took her kayak on a long paddle . Daddy did most of the work , since my shoulder was hurting . Liam behaved very well in the boat , except for one time when he wanted to switch from the middle seat to the front seat . By the time we headed back , the weather was getting hot . Liam wore himself out and fell asleep in the canoe . When we arrived at the cottage , Aunt Rae was there . Liam was happy to see her when he woke up . We stayed for a while after luncPosted by Today was Liam 's 2 - year check up . His pediatrician was running extremely late due to some emergencies earlier in the day . So we ended up waiting in the office for about an hour before we saw the doctor . Liam was a little antsy , but was all smiles when Dr . T cam in . He started acting silly for Dr . T , and was very good during the exam . When Dr . T was done and ready to go , Liam practically jumped in his arms to give him a hug and a kiss . : ) It was just too cute ! And just what poor Dr . T needed after a crazy day . So for those of you who wonder , Dr . T said Liam was quite a healthy little guy . He weighs 29 . 5 pounds ( 70th percentile ) and is 3 feet ( 36 inches , 96th percentile ) tall ! Liam 's hemoglobin test came back good at 11 , which means there is no concern about anemia . All very good news ! As I arrived to pick up Liam from daycare today , he got stung on his hang by a bee while playing in the playground . When it happened , I was inside getting his things . But his teacher rushed him inside , where they found me . I was told that one of the other teachers removed the stinger . So I asked his teacher to find some baking soda and gauze . I made some paste for his hand . He was very brave through it all and didn 't cry too much . He wanted the paste washed off , so he washed his hands in the sink . Soon afterwards , however , he realized that it had helped ease the pain and he asked for more . I made up a bit more and then wrapped some gauze over his hand . We also borrowed an ice pack from daycare before we left . On the way home , Liam had fun sucking on the cold ice pack - not exactly how I had intended it to be used . I also called his pediatrician 's office to see if they recommended anything else , since I am severely allergic to bee stings . They told me to give him some Benadryl . I stopped to get some . He was happy to take his " medicine " ( he is getting so good with words ! ) . It must have done the trick because within a half hour he was chasing the cat around the house on all - fours ( like a cat ) , and didn 't seem to notice that his hand was a little swollen . Thankfully , it looks like he may not have inherited my allergy . What a brave little guy ! What an eventful couple days . On Thursday , Liam 's daycare was having a end of summer Carnival . There was a hot dog dinner , cotton candy , and games with prizes ! Mommy and daddy were tired from their hard day of fixing our basement windows , but we still stayed at the carnival for an hour to eat and play a couple games . On Friday , Sean and I finished up our windows ( and I must say , the finish product is quite nice ) . The only adventure we had , however , was when Liam and I braved a trip to the grocery store with all of the returning college students back in town . . . It was a mad house ! I stayed up a little late that evening to can some cherry - blueberry jam . And it turned out great . But then we were woken all night by a party of more than 100 people in the house across the street . Needless to say , we are not happy with the new renters . : ( Saturday morning was a slow start , but we had special plans for the afternoon . We packed a picnic lunch and then took a road trip down to Coldwater to visit the Little River Railroad . Little River is a historical railroading organization that restores old steam engines and rail cars . They offer rides throughout the year and were one of the most affordable ones that I could find in our area . We decided to take Liam on a train ride as part of his birthday gift . When we arrived , the steam engine was simmering . Liam was very excited to see it up close . We had told him that when he woke up from his nap , he would see a train ! I got tickets while daddy and Liam checked out he engine . There were several cars on the train , including some old Pullman streamliners , some open - air cattle cars fitted with seats , and a caboose . We took a seat in one of the Pullman 's because I was worried that the wind , smoke , and noise might bother Liam . The only problem was that it was a very hot and humid day . So in no time , we were sweating up a storm . Liam was a little impatient for the train to start . I took him on a walk through all the cars to take a look at everything . When the train started , he was all smiles ! Posted by

Hi , I 'm Jim Ryan . I work for an energy company that my grandparents started more than forty years ago . He passed away a few years back . Gram now holds the company in her hands . She is grooming me to take over when I have learned enough and she feels I am capable . She has had me starting at the bottom . I 've been in sales , procurement , personnel and transportation . For the last month I have been troubleshooting . Next month I am going to be working with equipment . That scares me a little . Gram says when I learn the inner workings of the company , it is then time to learn how to hire managers to oversee the actual work . What worries me is the selecting of the perfect person for a particular job . Case in point : I 've not been too successful in the women I have been interested in . Pat , the first woman I was engaged to , one I felt I could spend my life with , turned out to be a gold digger . Then , while attending college , I found Kate . She now works for a small company here in town as a finance officer . She is smart and reasonably attractive . I thought when I married her that she would be the ideal mate in helping me run the company that was coming to me . I 've been reticent in telling Kate what my job is , the reverse of how I handled Pat , with whom I had been very open . I also have neglected to lay out how much time I 've had to give to the company . This has led to a contentious relationship . The fight this time was a doozy ! I called Kate about 3 p . m . on a Thursday afternoon and told her I had made dinner reservations for us and a guest I very much wanted her to meet . I also said I had to go out of town on business Friday morning , but would be back to get ready for our vacation trip to the mountains . " No ! I am not going to dinner with you and I definitely am not going to the mountains ! I 'm going to the Red Lion for drinks after work and I 'll just stay for dinner and dancing . I 'm sure I can find someone to entertain me better than some stuffy old guest of yours . " " But Kate , remember you made the vacation reservations last year and you agreed that we would not go to the beach again until I had a chance to show you the mountains . I have booked us into a nice log cabin in West Virginia near my home town . You 'll love it . Gram is my only living relative and she wants to meet you . She still can 't understand why I haven 't brought you to see her . We 've been married for two years , and I can 't make anymore excuses about why you haven 't met her . " Kate and I were having some problems in our marriage . A lot of it was my fault as I was working long hours and was out of town on business often due to my job as troubleshooter . The energy company had interests all over the United States . It seemed that Kate and I never talked anymore without fighting . I was fast getting fed up with her being , in my mind , so unreasonable . I hadn 't been totally open about my life and prospects , but I felt justified in keeping a few facts from her . She did not know what my grandmother did or how I was tied in with her . My wife , for some reason , had a real dislike for anything she thought was connected to , or considered " hillbilly . " She stereotyped the people , the music , and even their cuisine from the different parts of the country that she felt were hillbilly . This was one of the reasons I never pushed having Kate and Gram meet . Gram and I met and talked all of the time , but I always did this during working hours . Anyway , this unleashed a firestorm from Kate . She told me that no way was she going to spend time with a pipe smoking , tobacco spitting old lady named Maudie , sitting in a rocking chair on some dilapidated old porch , even if she was my grandmother . Kate had always denigrated the name " Maudie , " and I never knew why . This pulled my chain as this was the most unlikely description of my grandmother you could imagine . My grandfather , as a young man , was a wheeler - dealer and astute enough to grab up thousands of acres of land in West Virginia . When the coal barons began prowling through the hills , he signed his first lease , took his money and went to Philly a - courting . Gram , the only daughter of a dry goods store owner , fell in love when Gramp first came to the city . She was twenty - five and pretty much resigned to a life of spinsterhood . Her father wanted a free manager to manage his store and various other endeavors . All of her friends were married before they were twenty so she felt life had passed her by and she would never marry . The story goes that Gramp could be a joker , especially when he was in unfamiliar situations . After buying a suit off the rack , Gram asked him where he was going in his new duds . " Well , I 'm in town a - courtin ' . Do you know of any likely lookin ' gals that want to get hitched up ? I 'm from the hills , and I own a bit of land , I 'm honest , and anyone who knows me would say my prospects are pretty good . " Gram , whose day with her father hadn 't gone well , answered with a gleam in her eye . " I 'm twenty - five , I 'm honest , and I would like to own a bit of land . If you want to see what you would be getting if you married me , just follow me . " Gramp followed her into the office and watched as Gram took off her work smock , unbuttoned her dress far enough so she could pull her chemise up and bared her breasts . " If you like what you see , we 'll be married in two weeks . If you don 't like it , get out and never set foot in the store again . " Then Gram blushed red and near tears of shame at what she had just done , proceeded to cover herself . Gramp stood there with his mouth open , turning red himself . Two weeks later Gramp made the trip back to the hills with his bride at his side . He and Gram lived and loved each other and never stopped courting as long as they were together . There is more of my family history . I 'll tell you that my dad , Ted , was born less than ten months after Gramp returned to the hills . He was the only child to bless Gram and Gramp . Dad married my Mom when he was twenty and Mom was eighteen . Mom came to the hills to teach school in our village , and met my father . They were married before her first year as a teacher was completed . Before her third year was out , tragedy struck . There were seven adults and eleven little ones swept away in a flash flood . There would have been more children dead if my Mom and Dad hadn 't died saving the ones they could before they were swept away themselves . This left me , Jim , an orphan before I was a year old . Gram and Gramp raised me and saw to my education , with Gramp passing away the year I entered college . The company I worked for was wholly owned now by Gram and privately held in her hands . As her only living relative , I was being groomed to take over in a few years . Gram , far from the stereotype that Kate had of residents of the West Virginia hills , was a beautiful , elegant and intelligent lady . She had what people would describe as " presence . " You know , when you enter a crowded room full of people , your eyes just naturally are drawn to certain ones that stand out . That is " presence " and Gram had a full measure of it . In the second year of college I met Pat and fell in love . I was open about my future , maybe bragging some . The sex was good and she was a beauty . I asked her to marry me . She agreed . I was happy until I overheard her and her roommates laughing about how she had snagged a good one . She told them that what was between her legs was what caught me . Who needed love if the sex was good and " dumb Jim " was going to have all of that money . I had been made a fool of , but not for long . After college my attention centered on Kate , whom I ran into at a reunion . She had been behind me in college and had been in a few of my classes . She was lighthearted and upbeat most of the time . Kate , tall and statuesque , had long auburn hair . Also she was proportioned to give any red - blooded male night dreams . You just naturally were drawn to her . I could have kissed the moon when Kate agreed to a date with me , I was that high off the ground . After a period of a few months , we started dating each other exclusively . The first year that Kate and I were married , we were as blissful as could be . We had a simple ceremony in front of a justice , with a few friends . Kate has claimed to have no family , and Gram wasn 't present as she was at an energy conference in Washington . Gram sent me the title to a fairly large house for a wedding present . She thought I should tell everyone I was renting , because she knew about my former fiancée . I couldn 't have been happier . We had some trouble that started at a party that was thrown when I got my first promotion at work . Some of my co - workers had grown up with me . Gram always made sure that any of my friends with promise would have a good education and offers of jobs after school . This party where things started going downhill had a theme , a Sadie Hawkins dance . Everyone came dressed as hillbillies and brought costumes for Kate and me . We were supposed to dress as Li ' l Abner and Daisy Mae . Kate would not participate at all and soon left the dance . She did say she was sorry when I got home , but the whole thing was a downer for me . I tried not to resent her actions and said I forgave her , but I suppose I didn 't really . She had spoiled what should have been a happy time for me . I pressed her for an explanation for what I considered an unreasonable hang - up . She would not discuss it at all . After several arguments I avoided the subject altogether . Bigotry and racism were things not in my make up . Kate seemed to have more than a smidgen of both . I felt if I confronted her with my feelings , I might soon be without a wife , so I let it pass . My friends at work resented her non - participation at the party , and delighted in calling me Li ' l Abner where she could hear them . Needless to say , it made for strained relations , and I soon learned to avoid situations where Kate and my friends would come together . I did not see Kate that Thursday night until much later . My guest for dinner was my grandmother . Gram expressed disappointment that Kate wasn 't to dine with us . I had now reached the point where I didn 't think my marriage would or could continue . I told Gram all about my home life when asked . I confessed that I still loved Kate dearly . I was in a quandary as to how to repair the rift in our marriage . As far as I knew Kate had been a faithful wife , and I had been faithful to her . " Gram , would you come home with me , stay over and talk to Kate in the morning ? You need to meet her . If I can 't bring her to you , you will have to come to her . In many ways she seems a lot like you . That is what attracted me to her . She is smart and attractive much like you and carries herself well . I just can 't understand this hate she has for the mountains and the people who live there . " I even told Gram what Kate imagined she ( Gram ) was like . " Not much really . I know that she is an orphan like me , adopted out when she was twelve and had a pretty lonely upbringing with her adoptive parents being quite elderly . They paid for her schooling and she really worked hard to be a credit to them . Kate blossomed in college and I guess that 's what made me notice her . Her adoptive mother now lives in a nursing home . She has Alzheimer 's and her father has passed away . There is not much in their estate but Kate manages it . She sees that her mother has what she needs to be comfortable . " " Jim , take me home now and we 'll have coffee . I probably know more about your wife than you do . When you were talking about getting married , I had Kate checked out . I think I can explain what some of Kate 's problems are . As long as you two were doing okay and happy , I wasn 't going to interfere . Maybe I should have interfered sooner . I guess it is time to tell you what I know . " Kate wasn 't home when Gram and I got there . I took her bags up to one of the guest bedrooms . I came down and made coffee . While it was brewing she sat back in a recliner in the living room . I was shocked at how much she was showing her age . " Gram , I never asked , but how old are you ? " " Well , Jim , I 'll be sixty - eight in a couple of months . I 'll admit I am getting tired of running this business . If I didn 't have you to take over before I 'm seventy , I would sell out and retire now . That is why I have you in such intensive training programs . Maybe it hasn 't been such a smart move . After talking to you tonight , it looks as if it has caused a lot of your problems . I hadn 't intended this to happen and I do want you to be happy . " As I told you , I had someone run a check on Kate before you married . Catherine O ' Toole is not the name Kate was born with . The person I had check , said her name was Hattie Mae Gruber before she had it legally changed the day she came of age . You have heard Jeff Foxworthy make jokes about red - necks . I was told that could be a description of her parents . They are still alive . Her father 's name is Billy Bob Gruber and her mother 's name is Daisy Mae . She has two brothers and two sisters , she being the youngest of the family . She often was made to stay with an old lady named Maudie . Whether she is a relative or not , I don 't know . " Kate was a problem child , running away from home as she got older . Child services finally stepped in , made her a ward of the state and had her put up for adoption . So you see she grew up in a cracker family with all of the typical connotations . When she imagined what I was like up in the mountains , she was just describing her own family who are still living . What a shock it must have been to find out you had someone named Maude for a grandmother . " I guess both Kate and I had kept secrets from each other . I had never told Kate about the future that was planned for me . Theoretically I was worth millions , or would be when Gram retired and I took over . I wanted Kate to love me for myself , not for money . I just never found the way to tell her what my future held . Finding out about Kate 's family seemed to answer some questions about her hang - ups on hillbillies . The phone woke me up . I glanced at my watch . It was after midnight and I heard , " Jim , this is Alice . I 'm at the Red Lion with Kate . Can you come and get her ? She is passed out in the ladies room . The management was going to dump her out on the street because she has caused some problems here . I told them I would take care of her until someone came for her . Please hurry ! " Alice , I knew , is a friend of Kate 's from work . She hung up before I could question her . I left as soon as I got my jacket on . It was only a fifteen minute drive to the Red Lion . I was puzzled as Kate never drank enough to lose her senses . It seemed so out of character . Maybe she was sick . The Red Lion is quite a large establishment , with live music Thursday night through the weekend . It catered to a loud , fun - loving clientele . It had a decent restaurant , but its accent was the bar , having tables near the small stage and booths along one wall in the back . I was able to park near the front door and was directed to the ladies room . After informing the hostess what I was there for , she escorted me toward the restroom at a fast walk . She said over her shoulder that she didn 't want that woman in here again . The Red Lion would not stand for the disturbances that had happened here tonight . I was totally mystified as to what she was talking about . Alice was standing by the door when we got there . The hostess said again that Kate was never to come in again and left . Alice said to me , " Good , you have your jacket . Let me have it . Hold her bag while I see if I can get her . " I could hear Alice trying to get Kate to stand , finally shouting through the door for me to come in and help . Pushing the door open , Alice was trying to put my jacket on Kate , who was totally passed out . The first thing I noticed was that Kate was half - naked and her dress was torn . From her undressed state I could see that she didn 't have a bra on . She definitely needed my jacket ! " What happened ? " I said to Alice . " Let 's get her out of here and I 'll tell you later . " I finally got Kate covered up . I also noticed that she had a nosebleed and had an eye that was fast closing up . She was going to have a beautiful shiner . Immediately I was concerned . " No , she is just drunk . She was really putting them down tonight . Too bad she didn 't pass out earlier . Or maybe not . She might have had more than a black eye to worry about . " I grabbed some wet paper towels and soaked her head for a few minutes . The cold roused her enough so she could stay on her feet with Alice and I both holding her . Being as inconspicuous as possible we finally made it to the car . I asked Alice if she had a ride home . She didn 't as she had come with Kate . I asked her if she was able to follow me home with Kate 's car . She said she would . Wouldn 't you know , Kate got sick and barfed all over my car as soon as we started moving . This wife of mine sure had some explaining to do ! Alice helped me get Kate out of the car and up the stairs into our bedroom . Gram heard the commotion and stuck her head out of her room . I just said Kate had got sick and her friend brought her home . I didn 't clean Kate up at all , I just dumped her in bed . I did make sure she was breathing okay before I drove Alice home in Kate 's car . I asked for and got a rundown on what Kate 's evening was like . Kate and Alice and two of their friends went to dinner at the Red Lion . They were all at the bar waiting to be seated , when John and Tim from work stopped by . Drinks were bought and refills were at hand . More drinks were consumed at dinner . John , whom Alice thinks is a sleazeball , started to do some heavy flirting with Kate . She knows he is married , but for some reason tonight she seemed more receptive to his advances . After dinner when John suggested that they all move to a booth , Alice said no . John was not with his wife and Kate wasn 't with her husband . Alice said it wouldn 't look right . Kate told Alice to mind her own business , if she wanted to sit in a booth with a friend , she would . Tim left shortly after that , and the two others left an hour later . Alice loved to dance and was on the floor most of the night with different partners . As the evening progressed Kate was getting bombed and too drunk to dance . John and Kate continued necking and petting . Alice saw Kate put her panties in her bag and knew what was going to happen if things continued . Alice said she went and looked up John 's phone number and called his wife . " When John 's wife answered , I just told her that John had some bimbo he was making out with in the Red Lion . Fifteen minutes later , John 's wife showed up swinging . She pulled John out of the booth and clobbered him with her handbag . Then she reached in the booth where Kate was cowering in the corner . Grabbing Kate by her dress she pulled her out and socked her in the face . Kate , being pretty drunk , flopped on the floor . John 's wife didn 't let go , she tried to kick Kate and rip her dress off . " By this time there were Red Lion people all over , trying to contain the fight . I asked them to put Kate in the ladies room until I could get someone to come for her . That is when I called you . Did you guys have a fight or something ? I 'm not Kate 's confidant or anything , but she was really mad at you . It seemed like she had given up on you and didn 't care what happened to her . You know if I hadn 't stepped in , Kate probably would have been screwed tonight - - and not by you either . As it is , she got pretty well fingered up . " " Thank you for helping , Alice . I guess I have been insensitive to Kate lately . But she has been pretty damned unreasonable herself . Thank God things stopped when they did . I don 't know if I could handle it if that sleazeball had got any further . " I dropped Alice at her apartment and headed home . I knew that I wouldn 't be able to talk to Kate before I left in the morning . Damn , why did I have to go . Well , I would smooth things over when I got back . Maybe I wouldn 't insist on us going to the mountains after all . Gram apparently was still sleeping . I decided since the night was most gone , I 'd just clean Kate up a little and leave early . I went up to our bedroom and found Kate still out of it . Stripping the torn dress off , I could see where that sleazeball had marked Kate . She had hickeys all over her neck and breasts . Her eye had already turned black from his wife 's punch . She also had a huge red mark on her thigh . John 's wife must have landed at least one good kick . Kate didn 't have any panties on . Alice had told me Kate had taken them off . It still made me mad . My resolve to be forgiving was gone when I saw how red and puffy her privates were . Kate , I borrowed your car . You puked in mine on the way home last night . When you get up , look in the mirror . You had better put some ice on your eye , as it is still swollen . Your privates looked well used when I undressed you . Your panties are in your handbag . I never found your bra . Needless to say I am pretty upset . Oh yes , you may not believe it right now , but you have a friend that really took good care of you . I wish I didn 't have to leave , but we will talk when I get home tonight . Love , Jim I hoped the note didn 't drive Kate away from me . The more I thought about it , I wished I had just said I would see her tonight and not put in the crack about her physical condition . Oh well , I didn 't see much I could show her respect for . Gram met me at the door when I arrived home . " You better talk to your wife , and I mean now ! She may have deserved it , but that was a pretty nasty note you left . Why didn 't you tell her I was here ? If you love that woman , you better start thinking of her instead of yourself all of the time . " I went along up . I guess somehow Kate and Gram had bonded and that left me as the bad guy . I opened the door to our bedroom , finding Kate sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for me . Kate had on slacks and a turtleneck sweater . Except for the black eye which was disguised somewhat with makeup , Kate appeared quite normal . I was speechless . I figured I would find my wife in tears begging for my forgiveness , instead of appearing defiant . After a few seconds of silence , Kate , contrite now , burst out , " Jim , I 've been stupid , really stupid ! Yesterday when you told me you had vacation plans for the mountains , I lost it . I 'll admit now that I was being unreasonable and I think that can be explained . However , last night I didn 't care what happened and it looks as if things have happened that I can 't take back . " God , I wanted to die this morning when I woke up . I was hung over and then I read your note . I threw up before I got to the bathroom and then I looked in the mirror and barfed again . You saw me and you know what a mess I am . I so regret being unfaithful . Believe it or not our marriage vows mean a lot to me . Why I fight with you and put myself in a position to possibly lose you , I 'll never know . I would like for you to forgive me , but I will not beg . I 've lost respect for myself and I don 't even know what I did last night . Not knowing - - that hurts me almost as much as I have hurt you . I do love you , please believe that . " We kept our distance and looked at each other . I guess I was almost ready to forgive her , but not yet . I could make it easier for her to accept by having her call Alice . I was dying to find out about her and Gram . " I guess you finally met my grandmother . " " Of course . I wish my grandmother was like her . " Kate looked shocked to have admitted she had a grandmother , maybe hoping I wouldn 't pick up on it . I let it slide for now . " She scared me out of my wits . I was in the bathroom trying to pull myself together , when I smelled coffee . The door was open . I turned and here was this elegant lady standing there holding a cup of coffee . " She said , ' Would you like your coffee now or after you put on your face ? Actually you better have coffee , because it 's going to take awhile to fix your face . Don 't look so shocked . I came in earlier to see what you looked like . You definitely are a mess and it 's going to take some major work to make you presentable before my grandson gets home . ' " She is a dear ! To think I have lost two years in knowing her . All because of my stubbornness . I can 't understand why you didn 't make me meet her . " " Kate ! Come on ! You have been so obtuse when I have mentioned my grandmother . Lately I have had to avoid talking about her altogether . Yesterday I was going to take you to dinner and surprise you . I knew you would like her when you did meet . I 'm sorry you aren 't at your best , but don 't lay the blame on me . " " Oh , I 've made such a damned mess of my life . I could kill myself . I can 't go back to work after messing around with John . I went and told my best friend Alice off . She 'll never speak to me again . I 've been unfaithful to my husband . To top it all off , I 've ridiculed your grandmother to you and she is such a dear . This all in twenty - four hours . " " You might want to include the fact that you can never go to your favorite club again either . You 've been banned . " I said this last with a smile , trying to ease her pain a little . " Why don 't you go give Alice a call ? I 'm sure she 'll talk to you . She will fill in what you can 't recall about last night . Remember I said in that note that you had a friend who took care of you . Also don 't forget how that note was signed . Now go call Alice . " " No , I didn 't , I love her too much . She is calling her friend now to find out what she did last night . Myself , I know how far she strayed . She has a friend that saved her from doing some things that I couldn 't live with . Maybe with you here we can get our life straightened out . I realized today that I should have trusted her more . I just was never open about a lot of things . I was open with one girl I thought the world of , until I found out she was out to take me . I realize now that Kate isn 't like that . " " No , she isn 't like that . This morning while I was getting her to eat a slice of toast , I told her I was rich . I offered her twenty - five thousand dollars to get a divorce . She turned me down . She said she had messed up but still loved you . She hoped you would forgive her , but if you didn 't , she would go on with her life much wiser . If she ever found someone to love her again she wouldn 't make the same mistake , but hoped it wouldn 't come to that . By the time I raised the amount to a half million and was still turned down , I believed her . " I have found out a lot about your wife today . I 'm impressed with her intelligence . She is basically taking care of her ill adoptive mother . She has worked her way up in her job , rising to assistant financial officer . She would have been chief in a couple of years if she hadn 't screwed up last night . Now she says she would be too humiliated to return to her job . She knows the company she works for wouldn 't trust the books to a person that goes out , gets drunk and runs around on their husband . As I say , she is smart enough to realize that . " I admitted to her that I know a little about her birth family . Kate is shocked that someone knows of her past . I think some of what is bothering her is guilt . Escaping the ' red - neck ' tag and feeling that she has abandoned her family , she wonders if she has done the right thing in disowning them . How she is going to resolve that , I don 't know . " I could hear Kate coming down the stairs . " Gram , I know how much you are interested in our lives . Thank God you were here to see Kate today . I am especially glad you were because it has kept me from venting my feelings about Kate 's actions last night . There was a short time I felt like throwing her out . I 'm glad I didn 't and it 's all because you were here . I do think though , it is something we have to settle ourselves . " " Kate , I 'm going upstairs and lie down for awhile . Jim and you must have a lot to say to each other . I 'll get a slice of toast and a cup of tea later . " Gram walked over and gave Kate a brief hug before going upstairs . Kate turned to me saying , " She 's so wonderful . I love her already . " Then she came and put her arms around me . " I have hurt you terribly , haven 't I ? " " Yes you have . I can 't understand why you set out last night to let someone else play with you . Have I treated you that poorly ? " " How you treat me is a matter of perception . If you had asked me that yesterday , I would have said I was being treated badly . Today - - well after last night , I think I 'm being treated very reasonably . You haven 't thrown me out . You are still talking to me without calling names , like tease or slut or even whore , which I guess you have a right to do . I 'm sure those people who saw me at the Red Lion think that 's what I am . " I overheard at lunch yesterday that you were going to be rich and I was just a trophy wife . You only brought me out when you went to dinner with someone you were trying to impress . You have to admit we don 't go out much and when we do , your business is the topic of conversation . You are always going somewhere on business and saying you can 't get out of it . " Then you called in the afternoon . Same o ! Same o ! I lost it , and here we are today . I don 't want to lose you and I really do love you . I can 't begin to tell you how sorry I am . " Kate paused , " So where are we ? Please tell me . " " Kate , I 'll admit that I haven 't trusted you with a lot of things going on in my life . However , I never ever thought of you as being unfaithful . I was confident in that and I guess that is why it has hurt so much . " I paused before continuing . " You just talked to Alice . What did she say ? " " She said I was acting like a slut last night . I was really out to hurt myself and Alice wasn 't going to let it happen . She wished she had called John 's wife sooner to stop what I was doing . She 's sorry I got a black eye , but maybe I should realize that there are consequences to every action . Alice also wanted to know how you were taking it . I said you and I haven 't talked yet , but I would let her know . " " Please call her tomorrow . Let 's see if she will come for dinner Sunday . You and I should have everything settled by then . If you don 't decide to go back to work , Alice can be the center of attention at the water cooler . " The meal that Gram had prepared had cooled . Neither Kate nor I were hungry . " Don 't you think you should tell me about your job and why you have kept me out of the loop ? This is what has been bothering me . At first I thought maybe you had something illegal going on . I prided myself that I knew you better than that , but I didn 't know what . So please tell me . " " Okay , I mentioned Pat , the girl I was engaged to before you . She wanted me for my money . When I found that out from an overheard conversation , I dumped her . I swore that I wouldn 't tell any girl I fell in love with how bright my future is . I swore every girl would think I was making it on my own . Then I met you . I wanted to tell you but kept putting it off . " The situation I am in is this : Gram wants me to take over her company . I have been training desperately to fill the shoes that Gram has set out for me . I am getting to the point that I don 't think I can handle it . This is why . When Gramp and Gram started their company , they dealt with one person that was looking to lease land to develop a coal mine . It turns out that a major portion of land they owned was coal bearing . They reinvested the money as the mines were developed and now the company employs hundreds of workers . The holdings are spread out over several states in different parts of the country . Just the paper work for the government regulations is mind - boggling . " Gram is a master at finding and delegating personnel to run her company . Many are near her age and when Gram gets out of direct management , these people are naturally going to leave . I 've met all of them . I know that as young as I am , I can 't command their respect in running the company as efficiently as it is now . " I have come to realize that I have been neglecting you too , or we wouldn 't be having this conversation right now . I do love you so much . I feel I am going to disappoint either you or Gram . What I would really like to do is start or buy a small company and make it grow into a decent living for you and me . I 've had good training and you know finances . We have talked about starting a family . We could make it all happen and be happy . " " I feel that Alice saved you by putting a stop to what you were going to do . That saved our marriage . I don 't want to dwell on it or even think about it . Let 's say it was a mistake and put it behind us . " " I think it is time I tell you a little more about me and how I grew up . I 've kept it a secret since I was twelve . I didn 't dare tell you . I married you under false pretenses . It was all totally legal , but you should know . Especially since you are being so good to me . " My name wasn 't Catherine O ' Toole when I was born . It was Hattie Mae Gruber . I had it legally changed . My birth family live in Kentucky and if you ever saw a family of red - necks , that is a perfect description of them . From what I can remember about my family , Mama and Papa are first cousins . Bethanne is a whore . Papa grows weed . He used to make ' shine but there is more money in weed now . My two brothers are old enough to work , but said they guessed they would grow weed too . They are probably all in jail now . Papa used to take me to see an old lady that he called Gram . Her name was Maudie and she smoked a pipe and chewed tobacco . Also she smelled . I don 't think she ever took a bath . " I was lucky . Somehow the state took me and I was adopted by the O ' Tooles . The only one I really miss is my sister , Katie . She is the reason I took the name Catherine . Every time someone calls me Kate , I think of her . We used to plan how we would go and live in a big city and meet a handsome prince . I got my prince , but I often wonder about Katie . Was there something in my genes that let me go off like I did last night ? I worry about it . It will never happen again , make no mistake about that . " " I believe you . " I looked at the clock . It was too early to go to bed , but I was beat . " Let 's go out on the porch and sit where we can watch the sunset . I need to think about you , my life , and our life together . Gram has to be considered also , as she is a big part of our lives now that you have got to meet and like her . " I left Kate in the kitchen and settled down on the porch swing . My mind was in a turmoil . I wanted things to work out for Kate and me , but in the present situation , it didn 't seem possible . I wondered to myself how Gram would feel if I left the company and went off on my own . What would Gram do ? I knew she had several lucrative offers for the company , but she turned them all down . She just gave the reason that she was saving it for her grandson . Also she feared if she sold to a major corporation a lot of the people that had supported her after Gramp died would lose their employment . I sat there swinging and thinking . It wasn 't long before I drifted off to sleep . I finally became aware that it was dark and it was quiet except for the murmur of voices coming from the kitchen . I stood in the doorway observing my two loved ones sitting close together at the kitchen table . Gram looked rested and Kate 's eye was blacker than ever . I smiled at her saying , " Boy that 's a beaut ' . " Tears welled up in Kate 's eyes . I realized that my attempt at humor fell flat . I walked over and pulled my wife to her feet giving her a hug . " Come on Hon , you are going to be wearing that for awhile . You might as well get used to people staring at you and making comments . Just use the standard answer that you ran into a door . That works every time . Ten to one , people will think you 're married to an abusive husband , so the less said about it the better . " " Oh Jim , I 'm so sorry . I didn 't consider that people might blame you . I have so much to make up to you . Can you ever forgive me ? " Kate looked into my eyes searching for a sign that I would do what she so desperately wanted . Gram broke in with , " It 's getting late and we have been under a lot of stress . Why don 't we go to bed now and we 'll get up late . Things will look different tomorrow . " We went up to our room . I went in and took a shower letting the hot water slowly calm me down . I didn 't realize how tense I was . My mind drifted to thoughts of Kate . I forgave her , but it would take awhile for me to forget . When I came out with a towel around me , Kate was sitting at her vanity brushing her hair . I couldn 't believe that she had on pajamas . She hadn 't worn pajamas since the electricity had gone out last winter . It wasn 't winter now . She turned and with a red face said , " Jim don 't say anything , please . I 've got marks all over me and I 'm so ashamed . I don 't want you to look at me . I wish I didn 't have this black eye . The next time I want you to look at me is when the black has faded . The other marks on me should fade faster than the eye , so then I will be all yours again . Please ? " " Kate I want to hold you . I 've seen the hickeys and the other marks . They are in my mind 's eye . How on earth do you think having pajamas on is going to make me forget ? If it bothers you that much , tonight , and only tonight , I will turn my back while you get under the covers . We 'll see about tomorrow night then . " I turned out the light and got into bed next to Kate . She was extremely tense . I heard what sounded like a sniffle . Running my hand over her face , I could tell that she was crying . I pushed her over onto her side facing away from me . Putting my arms around her , I reached up and cupped both breasts . Then I drew her just as close to me as I could . I whispered , " I love you . " " Oh Jim , I feared so much that I never would hear you say that again . " She wiggled as close to me as she could . It had been a week or more since we had time for sex . I thought both of us would avoid sex given what had transpired , but when Kate said , " Is that what I think it is poking me ? " I realized that being this close was definitely having an effect . " Oh , yes ! Please ! In another time a husband would beat his wife if she acted like I did . I 'm surprised that you haven 't . " " Well I felt like beating you last night when I first saw you with your dress most off and your breast hanging out . I wasn 't too happy when you barfed in my car either . Then when Alice explained what happened , I began to wonder if maybe I wasn 't partly to blame . I think we better talk this through when we start our vacation a week from today . Tonight let 's just make love . " Kate didn 't answer . She just reached between her legs and guided me into her . Passion took over and I thrust into her hard and fast . Maybe I was even a little brutal , but Kate seemed to like it that way . I was soon bathed in sweat and Kate was too . She started to shudder as her orgasm started to build which worked like a catalyst on my own . Kate , never vocal , was uttering , " Oh God , Oh God , Oh God . " After we climaxed I wanted to go take a shower but Kate insisted I stay in her . It wasn 't long before I felt the urge to begin moving again . I was soon partially erect . This time we didn 't act like animals , but like lovers showing their love for each other . Entwined , we fell asleep . I lay in bed in the morning while waiting for Kate to finish her shower . I lay there thinking how I , or we , could make our life better . Gram was going to be a major player in our plans . I just hoped that any decisions I made wouldn 't hurt her too much . I had no definite plans , but a general idea of what I wanted to do . It involved Kate as a partner and wife , not just as a wife . Gram , whom I revered , I wanted as a mentor and advisor . I was going to broach the subject at breakfast . I knew that it wasn 't going to be easy . Kate , I could count on , but Gram was the unknown . It was after eight in the morning before Kate and I went down to breakfast . Gram , sitting at the table , got up and poured our coffee . " I guess God answered your prayers last night . You both look pretty happy on this bright Saturday morning . " Gram laughed as she slid plates of bacon , toast and scrambled eggs onto the table . She also put a big bowl of grits next to my plate . " You don 't care for grits , Kate ? " " I don 't know . I haven 't had any , or wanted any , since I was adopted . Where I grew up , that is often all we had to eat . I swore that I would never eat them again . Maybe I will try just a little bowl of them this morning . " Kate ate most of what Gram had prepared . Kate cleared the table while Gram and I had another cup of coffee . " Gram , I have something on my mind and it involves you and my future . I know that you have always had plans for me to take over your company when you retire . You have taught me everything I know and up until a few months ago I was highly motivated to do just that . However I 've come to the conclusion that might not be the best thing for me - - or you for that matter . It certainly wouldn 't be best for me and Kate . The last couple of days have only solidified my feelings . I almost lost Kate because I wasn 't here to pay attention to her . Kate isn 't blameless by a long shot , but we haven 't had a fair chance of working through any difficulties that arise . " " Well Jimmy , tell me what 's on your mind . We have always been able to talk . I 'd like to hear what you are thinking . " " Yes there are several corporations that have evinced an interest in owning the company . Some offers have been for more than I imagined in my wildest dreams . If I ever decide to sell and with the right negotiator , even those offers could be topped . " She paused here and looked at me . " Are you thinking of leaving the company ? If so , why ? " " There are several reasons . One thing I think you will agree on . You and Gramp started this company with land he owned . You were lucky when coal was found underneath most of it . Was it luck when you wanted to put your profits back into land out west ? You invested in wheat land and damned if there wasn 't coal under that land too . I 'll bet the fun you have had was not what you owned , but in building and managing a profitable company . " Well I would like to build something too . I would lose the fun if I had a big company to manage . I feel also that I am too young and inexperienced to ever take over and keep a handle on everything . Haven 't you had a few doubts about my ability ? " " Gram , another thing . Kate and I want to have some kids . I want them to know their father and especially their great - grandmother . To do this I can 't be running all over the country seeing to problems . I want a small company which will grow . One that Kate and I can build up to be as well run as your company . By starting small I can use the knowledge you have taught me and put it to use . Does this make sense to you ? " You lost the joy of being a grandmother when Dad and Mom died . You had to revert to being a mother again when you chose to raise me . Won 't it be nice to be able to do grandmother things and let Kate and I do the parenting ? " " You can definitely earn a living as a salesman . Everything you have said makes sense . You almost have me sold on your ideas . I do see a lot of complications in acting on them . However , let 's say I will give it some very serious thought . Nothing needs to be decided today . " Saturday was a relaxing day after our conversation of the morning . Kate and I took Gram out to our favorite nightspot . We had both been too busy to frequent it as often as we liked in the past few months . Kate 's eye was very noticeable , but we only had to use the excuse of running into a door once when asked . I danced most of the dances with Kate , but I managed to get Gram on the floor for a couple of slow ones . Gram asked while we were dancing , " Can you persuade Kate to start her vacation early next week and go to the mountains with me ? You can follow in a week . I really want more time with her . Getting to know her well will give me a little insight on how I am going to follow up on your ideas . " I answered , " I think Kate is planning on leaving her job anyway , using her accumulated vacation time in lieu of notice . She is just too uncomfortable being around her co - workers after Thursday night 's debacle . I think she will go with you by Monday afternoon . I 'll talk to her later . " Later that night Kate and I talked for a long time . We discussed her coming off the pill and us starting a family . I ended up talking about my childhood and what it was like having parents who were twice as old as my playmates ' parents . I think this is why I am of a more serious bent . Of course there were no money worries growing up , as Gram and Gramp were well - to - do by the time I came along . Kate then opened up about her own childhood . Her father did own quite a bit of land , she thought . She couldn 't remember how much , but a lot . A lot of it was hilly and even the flat land was unproductive , being mostly a heavy clay soil . She said she adored her father until she started going to school . She and her brothers and sisters were all looked down on . Outside of growing marijuana to pay the taxes , she thought the family was honest , but certainly very poor . Her sister Katie was the nearest to her in age and she still missed her . Bethanne , her older sister by six years , liked boys and flaunted her body . This caused many fights between Bethanne and her father . Her mother was very quiet and definitely under the father 's thumb . As far as her two brothers , they never paid much attention to her and she hardly remembered them , they being the oldest kids in the family . It has been fourteen or fifteen years since she had seen any of them . She said it had been so long and she was so young when she left , her memory probably was distorted . We hugged and snuggled together until Kate said , " I 'm still on the pill , but how about practicing making a baby ? " That 's what we did , as I was more than willing , and believing that practice makes perfect , we practiced at it until the wee hours . It was a joy ! Gram had us go to church in the morning . We enjoyed being in Gram 's company as now we both seemed to enjoy ourselves with her . Believe it or not , the sermon was " Be true to those that love you , and they will be true to you . " I wondered , was the sermon a coincidence or was it a sign ? Monday I was off to work . Kate planned to go to her job and give her notice . She hoped to be home by noon . Gram had business most all day and then she and Kate were heading north to the mountains . I was working all week , but planned on leaving Friday night to join them . I had three weeks ' vacation and I planned on doing nothing but think and maybe practice more of that baby making . I was surprised to see Kate in my office at one o ' clock . This was the start of my lunch break . She had to tell me what happened when she went into work . " I was going to try and cover my black eye , but then I figured everyone would know about it anyway , so I let it all show . I drove in and parked in the lot . A really mad woman came up to my car and told me to get my ass out where she could talk to me . She wasn 't very big and I really didn 't know her , I thought . Then it came to me that this had to be John 's wife and she was still pissed from Thursday night . " When she saw my black eye , she asked if she had done that . I nodded and pulled up my skirt and showed her that big softball sized black mark where she had kicked me . She suddenly wasn 't so mad anymore . She started crying and told me that John had been fired Friday . They had two kids and she didn 't know how they were going to survive . The only income they had now was some part time work that she did in a grocery store . She couldn 't work full time because of the kids . Then she said she was sorry and went to her car and left the lot . " I hated to enter the building . Apparently all of those on the parking lot side of the office had seen John 's wife confront me . They were curious as to what had been said . I just put my head up and went into the office I shared with Herb , my boss . He had always treated me nice and with respect , but I wondered what he thought of me now . I 'm sure the rumors made things a lot worse than they were . He asked me to sit and if I wanted coffee . I didn 't . " " I can 't have the things I have heard about going on in my office . John admitted to coming on to you when I confronted him with it , but only because you seemed so willing . He said that you were more than willing and egged him on . That I didn 't believe . You have always been the soul of discretion as long as you have worked here . I just didn 't believe him at all . " " Why didn 't you wait and have us into your office together ? Sometimes things are different than they appear . Tim was there . What did he say ? " " I didn 't ask Tim . Anyway he would have lied for John because they are buddies . Doesn 't matter . You are my assistant , and I can 't have office gossip interfering with our job . " " Herb , I hate to disillusion you , but a lot of this was mostly my fault . John does have a wandering eye , but never would have made any advances toward me if I hadn 't given him some kind of opening . You really fired the wrong person . Truth is , I was having some difficulties at home with my husband . Right now I seem to have them resolved . " The thing is , my husband has asked me to resign my position here . He has forgiven me any indiscretions I may have been a party to , and we are moving forward together . Herb , I 'm resigning as of right now . I was going on vacation next week anyway , and I want to use my accrued vacation time as notice . " " God Kate , you can 't leave me this short - handed ! With John gone , it leaves too big a hole in the office . I was going to persuade you to put off your vacation until I could train someone to fill his job . You just can 't leave now . " I sat there shaking my head . " Call John . He didn 't deserve to be fired over what he did , especially because it was mostly my fault . I feel so bad for his family , so please call him . " Herb rang his secretary and asked her to contact John to come in about some paperwork that needed doing . Urge him to come as soon as possible . When she left he turned to me and asked what my plans were . " I don 't know really what we are going to do . Jim has had things buzzing around in his mind for awhile . I am just so thankful that he wants to include me in them . He is making a major readjustment in his life , so things really are up in the air . I just know that I am going to be at his side . " When I left Herb 's office I stopped by Alice 's cubicle , and told her I was going on vacation as of now . She commented on my eye and I just said I deserved it , so I might as well show it . She asked how Jim and I were . I told her that " thanks to her , " things were fine , and I would fill her in at a later time . The house was empty when I got home , as Gram and Kate had gone north as planned . Kate called me in the evening . My phone rang again shortly after we hung up . It was Alice and she wanted to talk to Kate about what had transpired at the office that afternoon . Herb had made an announcement to his staff . He told them that Kate had left the company and that because he was so short - handed he had rehired John . I gave her Kate 's cell number . Almost immediately the phone rang again . It was John 's wife , wanting to speak to Kate . I informed her that Kate was unavailable , but that I would take a message . She , I guess , didn 't know how much I knew about the previous week . When I mentioned that Alice had cleared everything up , she wanted to talk . She then apologized for marking Kate up so badly . I told her that Kate felt any marks she had were well deserved . She went on to tell me that John had his old job back - - and with a raise too . She also said that even though Kate had taken the blame for Thursday , she knew John . He was at least partly at fault and had used up his one free " Get Out of Jail " card with other women . She would be watching him from now on . She closed out the call with wishing Kate and I the best in the future . I had to tell Kate about both Alice and John 's wife 's call , so I rang her . She was so pleased to hear from me again this evening . We talked until I reminded her I had to work tomorrow . I didn 't get to call Kate until very late every night the rest of the week . I was going to be leaving for vacation , and wanted to make sure that the people covering for me were up to date on my duties . It was a long week , but I survived . I would be seeing Kate at the end of the week so I didn 't mind too much . Gram was so glad to be home . She liked to travel and did a lot , but she was only really happy when she got home to her mountains . Kate was the most relaxed that I had seen her in a long time . I was glad to be here as it had been my home while growing up . After high school and going off to college , my visits had been rare . Two days later Gram , Kate and I had our talk . Before I tell you of our conversation , let me describe the home that Gram and Gramp built . It was a massive log cabin high up overlooking the valley where the nearest village was . This was the same little town where my father and mother were killed in the flood that made me an orphan . It also brought a lot of sadness to the other people who lost loved ones at the same time . Since that time several dams and floodgates had been built to tame the rushing waters . Gramp had seen to this , by buying various strategic parcels of land , then donating them so all of these projects could go forward . Gramp 's memory was revered for not only making the town safer , but because the mines that he opened up over the years had the highest safety work records in the state . The townspeople even tried to officially name the town after him . He wouldn 't hear of it ! The people , however , circumvented him by having all the businesses in town have the name " Ryan " in them . There was Ryan 's Drug Store , Ryan 's Diner , Ryan 's Hotel , etc . - - you get the picture . The town 's name was " The Gap , " but soon it became unofficially known locally as Ryan 's Town , and that is what everyone knows it as today . " First I think I am reasonably intelligent . Having said that , I know what I am capable of . There is no way I can get a handle on all aspects of the company and its far - flung interests . If you had a corporate structure , it might be possible for one person to manage it . That is what will have to happen eventually , if only for tax purposes . Right now you have a whole bunch of companies under your direct control . All have been profitable for you , and you have avoided too high a tax on the profits by astutely making acquisitions and putting the assets back into the company . Now when you sell , you are going to have a real nightmare avoiding giving the government most of what you have in capital gains . " " Jim , my money managers have been warning me about this since Gramp died . I just carried on as he did . You know how he was , if he owned something , he wanted it under his direct control . He wasn 't about to give up any control to people that owned a bunch of shares in his company . I know it was shortsighted of him , but that is the way he was . Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this ? " " Not really , but why don 't you pull in the best tax lawyers you know . Have them solve your problem , even if it costs you a lot . I do have a couple of ideas . One , when and if you sell , give bonuses to all of your employees . Base it on length of service , not just on positions in the company . Two , put all that you won 't ever need into a nonprofit trust . It works for Bill Gates and it can work for you . " You could be the titular head . Inevitably whoever buys you out will let many of your managers go . Take the best of these and install them in running the trust . That way some of your oldest and best employees won 't have to go job hunting at their advanced age . These are just some thoughts I 've had while worrying about taking over from you as you wanted . I must warn you that Uncle Sam is going to take a big bite , whether in payroll taxes on the bonuses , or in capital gains . " But I wouldn 't worry about that , as I suspect you have had a good run in building this company and enjoyed it a lot . You have also given a lot of people a good and fair living and they are loving you for it . There probably never will be such a successful well - run energy company in the United States ever again . " " Jim , you make a lot of sense . I can understand your reluctance in taking over from me . I was worried that I was putting an undue burden on you . Kate , too , for that matter . I knew that Kate would have to be an exceptional person to let you give what you had to give in taking over and still love you . I think tomorrow I will start pulling this together . It is going to take a long time before this is all settled and I might as well get started . Kate spoke up finally after being silent while Gram and I talked . " Jim has made me realize that family is something to be cherished . We are heading to Kentucky to see if I can find my family . He has felt that I should at least reconnect with them . Maybe they won 't be anyone we want to know , but maybe they aren 't as bad as I remember . I do remember that my papa loved me and I surely do wonder how my sister Katie is . I wonder if she ever made it to New York and became a singer as she had dreamed . " We are leaving shortly so by tomorrow night I should know something . I really am awfully excited . Who knows , maybe it was my attitude and not theirs that tore me from them . Remembering more , I guess I was a little brat when I was twelve . That sure changed when I was placed with the O ' Tooles . They were nice and really loved me , and brought me up to be nice . It was beautiful being the center of attention with them , but I missed the camaraderie of a big family for a long time . I had never seen Kate this excited , so I said , " Why don 't we leave after lunch today ? Gram has some calls to make , and I can see she is anxious to get started . " Gram laughed as Kate flew up to our room to pack . " Is that all right with you Gram , us leaving early , I mean ? " " Sure , go ahead . You are doing the right thing . I suspect that you might find her family to your liking . If they are anything like Kate has turned out , there must be a lot of good in them . So go on and have fun . Keep me posted , though , for you and Kate are all the family that I have . "

We had such a wonderful time last night . We shared the evening filled with spooky tales , stories and moments presented by numerous people . There is a place in Jonesboro , Ar that is so outstanding in what they do . They offer a place and times for people to gather and enjoy the arts in many forms . We have gone and listened to music you wish would never end , as the evening is amazing for all . The entertainers do more than play their music , they join with such passion everyone becomes a part of it all . There are special events of so many different kinds that allow everyone to view , hear and become a part of it as artists show their creations , writers share their words and works , and musicians play a variety of music to delight and entertain . TheArts @ 311 is a musicians / artists collective . It is a meeting place for artists and those who appreciate and want to support the arts locally . A warm comfortable and friendly place for friends , family and neighbors to join in the fun . It is a place to meet and make new friends that are having a good time at 311 South Church Street , Jonesboro . Jonesboro and Northeast Arkansas have an incredible amount of talent . Music , fine arts , visual arts , and writing , that is shared in a friendly atmosphere . TheArts @ 311 hosts these local professional and semi - professional artists for performances and exhibitions . There is a stage with equipment for music performance and the space is perfect for exhibitions of visual and fine arts . The stage can be cleared for theater and dance performances . The goal is to promote the artist , That is what they do and what they did last night and we were there . They had such a fantastic collection of individuals reading and telling stories and tales . . . truth or fiction ? ? ? ? ? Why knows with tales told in the dark of night with a chill in the air ? I know it was so much fun for all . Those who spoke , captured and enthralled all as they told their tales with passion and vividly presented stories with the audience hanging on every word . You did not want to miss a moment . There was one . . . . I can not say how well it was presented , but it was done by the author of a fictional short story she wrote and always enjoys telling . . . . . me . I had such fun but was nervous . There is a difference in speaking to a group of friends or family and going up on the stage . . . . lights are magically creating a scene and the microphone is ready . They had the lights . It was decorated with unique style , special effects bringing you all into a world of the unknown with tales to be told . It was so perfect and when they said my name and introduced me , for a moment my heart skipped a beat . It was time . All eyes were watching and the room was silent . . . . the moment had arrived . I chose a short story from one of my books that I especially I have shared many stories this time of the year to many groups of people . One of those I especially enjoy , is reading the story of the Children 's book The Pumpkin Field . Last year I was dressed as a witch and had fun each and every time . I read to the school children and received the greatest compliment I think an author can get for a children 's book . As I read the story , page after page , the children sat in utter silence listening to every word . They did not fidget or whisper . They watched and listened as the witch told the tale . What bigger compliment could a person have than to share their words and have them received like that . I have read in groups at parties and loved the excitement and comments the little story inspires as we talk for hours about what their thoughts , fears , ideas and stories of their own . Reading at the Libraries is always a fun time . I have read for my grandson 's class . It felt wonderful to see him smiling as he told them " That 's my Mamaw . Seeing the children smile , laugh and ignite with excitement at the thought that they too can write stories and learn to do many things . I have told them that grades are important but learning is a gift that lasts a lifetime . Last night I was so nervous but having such a good time with good people . Last night I was able to tell a tale and share one of my stories another time for another year . I listened to others who amazed and entertained me and all of the others with not only the fascinating stories but vivid presentations . The atmosphere was perfect in the event presented by Rev - Rick Bowen . I wish I had been able to get pictures but we were having such a good time we got caught up in the moment having such fun . I would love to see this painting I did enlarged as a wall size print . I think it would make a wonderful Murial or background for a Halloween scene . I used it on the cover of the book of short stories . I have thought about this in a dozen different ways . Reaching out . When I first published Life Goes On , I desperately wanted to find a way to reach out . I did want to reach out about my books and the things that I write , but it was , and is so much more than that . I wanted to be able to reach out and feel alive . I wanted to find a way , that as I sit here alone , I am not alone . I know that the good Lord is always with me and will be , from here to the next life , but I hope that walk can wait a while longer . I wanted to be able to reach out even when I could not get out . When I could hardly get up I would not be alone . I did not want to cry out and hear only the echo of my voice knowing it died in silence with no one to hear the thoughts , hopes , dreams and things I wanted to share . Internet . . . computers . . . modern technology . . . are things of wonder to me . There are times it does not take a lot to impress me but I am trying to learn so many new things . You have to understand that I remember back to when there were party lines and our telephones were mounted on the wall . You dialed . . . . dittttttt . . dittttt . . . dittttt . . dittttttttt . . . as it went round and round with each number . After all of that , you realize you dialed one number wrong and you can start over . Dial . . . ditttttttttttttt . . . . dial another number . . . ditttttttttttt . . . . and another . Now cell phones are everywhere . Beep beep beep and send . Science is amazing . Technology is amazing and for an old gal like me it is all a lot to learn . . . . . but . . . it is like a doorway that opens to the whole world . That is an amazing thought . The world . Good , bad , and what ever . . . . it is all out there . I hear and read terrible stories about things that happen connected to the internet . There are stalkers , hackers , thieves , cons and who know what all lurks in the space they call cyber space . Did I let it in ? Did I open a portal to the unknown with all of the evil and malicious individules out there to come and get me . I probably did . It did more than that though . It opened a door to the world ahttp : / / www . amazon . com / Linda - Nance / e / B004PVDVR4 / ref = ntt _ athr _ dp _ pel _ pop _ 1 My covers for Journey Home , Life Goes On and all of the others are my own art projects and paintings . I want every book I write to be special from cover to cover . I am still learning . I am still trying to be able to make them special . I am beginning to get tired so I am going to shorten this up . There are so many things , thoughts and special things that I want to share but I will have to do it a little at a time . I called this Reaching Out and that is what I am trying to do . I am trying to reach out . I found a new site that help authors with their books . It sounds fantastic . They help us to reach out . When I see one of my books on a site it warms my heart but it does more than that . . . . it lets me know I am not alone . I can reach out out beyond these walls and the things that hold me back . I can reach out to a whole world . . . . My books will soon be included in those here on this site and I will share the news . Until now . . . . if you write books . . . Tell them Linda sent you and have fun . It is a place you can show what you have and who you are . It is a place where the readers can find some very special books . . . . . http : / / askdavid . com / free - book - promotion http : / / askdavid . com or http : / / askdavid . com / free - book - promotion http : / / askDavid . com I have so many other things on my mind and that I want to share but it will have to wait . I do still really get tired . It is not just tired like when I was healthy and young but very tired and the rest will wait for another day . . . . I want to thank you each and everyone who shares this link or reads my words . I want to thank you for helping me to reach out and not be alone . I want to thank you . I am not only working on cover ideas for the novel You Can Call Me Danny , but also working to make it the best that is can possibly be . Editing , revising , deciding how to accomplish what I am trying to do with a story I think will long live a the reader 's memory but also show , not tell a message in life . There are things that happen we can turn a blind eye to or realize and gain understanding with . With understanding and care , a helping hand or the concern and help of another can make a lot of difference . There are also things in life that have no real answers , only what we think may be the answer . What really is or is not , is something that may remain a mystery . . . a story to tell or a sinister shadow that haunts . YOU CAN CALL ME DANNY A young child trapped in a nightmare life had a special friend . His friend told him , that he could call him Danny . Danny was his only friend . No one but Steven could see or hear Danny . Was Danny a friendly ghost there protecting , or was there more to this entity than anyone might suspect ? Steven began to think Danny might be a Guardian Angel but angel or evil … only time would tell … . . because Steven would tell no one and betray his friend and that friend was there to stay . Steven eventually made two new friends at school who shared so much in their disturbed and distraught family lives . They were about to share more as things began to occur beyond their control . Sneaking through the darkness of night , Steven went to his friend Jimmy 's house . The drama that occurred at Jimmy 's house was mild compared to the conclusion of the activities he had left behind . Tragedy and chaos , murder and an end to life as Steven had known , erupted in his household in the dark of night . They found themselves speeding down the highway with a man of questionable character as they left a life behind that felt like a nightmare with no hope . Where they would go was a question only the future and life could answer . The real life nightmare they left was more than they could imagine as the night of changeTHIS IS A GLIMPSE OF THE STORY AND BOOK SOON TO BE . . . . CHAPTER 1Five - year - old Stevie Johnson pushed the toy truck back and forth and back and forth along the floor of his room until tiring at last , he stopped and pulled the toy man from it . He gazed at the little plastic man reflectively . It had dark hair just like his father . As he contemplated the toy , he thought about the time his father had lifted him by the neck and thrown him against the bedroom wall . Leaving Stevie in a crumpled heap on the floor , Michael Johnson had stormed out of the room cursing . Still thinking about that time , Stevie placed the toy man on the floor . He began running the truck over it , first slowly and then faster and faster , his anger towards his father growing with each swift movement of his hand . All of a sudden he picked up the truck and slammed it down on the little man , crushing the toy beyond repair . He smiled with satisfaction at the mutilated object of his revenge . " What 's wrong with you ? " she shouted . " There is something wrong with you . Why do you act like you do ? " She stepped quickly into the room and grabbed Stevie by his upper arms , her fingers digging painfully into his young flesh . He cowered as she continued her tirade , lifting him off the floor in her rage . " I 'm sorry for the day I gave birth to you . All you ever do is cause trouble . You learn to play and play right ! Your Dad and I pay good money for all your toys and you never take care of them . You had better take care of them or I will throw all of them away and you can just sit in here by yourself forever . Do you hear me ? " " You can throw them away if you want . I don 't care . I don 't care what you do . " The sound of the slap across his face resounded throughout the small room . Stevie fell on his side and curled into a small ball , fighting the tears he did not want her to see . " I don 't care , I don 't care what you do . " The door slammed and the tears finally came as sobs racked the small body lying on the floor . " It 's going to be all right . I think you are a good boy . The only thing wrong with you is that they are too stupid to see how special you really are . They don 't deserve a boy as special as you . " Startled by the sound of the strange voice , Stevie looked up through his tears . There was no one there . Cautiously , he sat up and looked behind him . There was a man sitting on the edge of his bed . " Who 're you ? " Stevie asked in astonishment . " My name is Daniel Montgomery Manderville , but you can call me Danny . What should I call you ? " Stevie paused for a moment . He was uncertain if he should be talking to this strange man . Deciding it was safe , he said , " My name is Steven Michael Johnson , but everybody calls me Stevie . Where did you come from ? I didn 't hear you come in . " " I wear these , because they suit me . I 've had them a very long time . Don 't you like the way I dress ? " Stevie smiled at the stranger hesitantly . " Sure Danny , I like them just fine . Do you want to see my new fire truck ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went to get the toy . By the time he turned around again , Danny was gone . Puzzled , Stevie went over to the bed . Crouching on his hands and knees , he peered under the bed to see if his new friend was hiding there . Not seeing him , he left his room and went in search of him , wondering why he had not heard a sound when Danny left . Determined to find him , he went to his parents ' room and again , on hands and knees , peered under the bed . He started as he heard his mother 's voice . " What in the world are you doing , Stevie ? I saw you walking all around taking your little sneaky steps , and now you 're looking under my bed ? If you 're trying to sneak up on Scruffy , I 've told you before not to scare the cat anymore . It 's not a game . " " You have such an imagination , " she tried to reassure him . " The basement is just kind of dark , and that makes it seem spooky . There 's no one there . No one can come in or out of our apartment without the buzzer sounding . Don 't you remember when Daddy put that in ? Anyway , you know I can 't leave you here all by yourself . Who knows what you might get into ? " " Stevie , there 's no way anyone could come in without us knowing . " To prove her point , she went to the door and opened it . " See ? Nobody can get in here without the buzzer going off . " Stevie was thoughtful during lunch . He was wondering why the buzzer hadn 't gone off when Danny had come to visit him . " If Danny couldn 't open the door without the buzzer going off , then how did he come in ? " he asked . Stevie put down his half eaten French fry in frustration . " I told you Danny is not pretend , Mom . He 's real . I saw him . " Stevie then went into detail about what Danny looked like and the clothes he wore . Marsha had heard enough . " Did you see what people wore a long time ago on TV ? " she asked impatiently . Stevie let out an exasperated sigh . " Mom , I told you Danny was sitting there on the bed . He told me his name and when I asked about his clothes , he said he 'd had them for a long time . I even asked how he got in here and he told me he was here … and around … all the time . That 's why I 've been looking for him , to see where he is . " Marsha felt a cold chill . There were many times she had felt there was someone in the apartment . She had wanted to tell her husband , but found no way of doing so without sounding ridiculous . She was sure that even if she did tell him about the eerie feeling she had from time to time , he would start an argument and put it all down to her drinking . She saw nothing wrong with a person drinking and if she had the occasional beer for breakfast , so what ? Who was he to pass judgment ? There was many a time he came home from work and drank until he fell asleep . They were always quarreling , she and Michael . He made fun of everything that was important to her . She believed in witchcraft and spells and that kind of thing . She 'd read a lot of books on the subject . She was not alone in her beliefs . Even then , Michael still made fun of her . She shrugged . The fact was , she didn 't care what he thought as long as he provided for her and Stevie , though they needed a better place to live . The neighborhood had become dangerous . The area of the city where they lived had at one time been an enclave of the rich and powerful . Over the years , it had gone downhill considerably . The once stately homes had been sold , resold , and most of them remodeled into apartment buildings with two or three apartments in each . Marsha and Michael 's third floor apartment was part of one of those large and once elegant homes built in the eighteen hundreds . The rest of the building was now empty , the tenants on the other floors having trashed the apartments and the landlord never having bothered to repair them . Many homes in the neighborhood had been broken into . The possibility of intruders was a constant concern to everyone . Stevie never went outside , except on the rare occasion with his father . Even then , it was unsafe to sit out on the front porch or play in the yard . There were frequent drive by shootings , vehicles being broken into and even abductions . Michael was concerned for his son 's safety , but rarely had time or made time to do things with him . He worked long hours and spent his days off drinking and partying with his friends . On the weekends , visitors came and went and there was always loud music , alcohol and drugs of different kinds . Stevie dreaded those parties . At those times , his mother , fond of her beer and wine , seemed to forget she had a son . It wasn 't long before Stevie concluded parties were bad , because the longer the party , the meaner the grownups became . He was forced to stay in his room and not bother them . If he didn 't stay in his room , his parents locked him in , leaving him alone . If he didn 't stay quiet , they would turn off the lights . Then they would turn the music up so loud no one could hear his screams or cries . He was alone in the dark . But what Stevie dreaded even more than being locked up in a dark room alone were the times when his aunt babysat him . His stomach twisted into a sickened knot as he thought about the things she made him do and the things she would do to him as she smirked , " Now it 's time for you to be a little man . Be a man . I 'm going to make you a man . He closed his eyes and many things came to mind . He visualized an alligator lunging out of the water to snap and consume it 's prey . He smelled the suffocating sweet scent of her perfume . The smell of it filled him and he could not breath , thinking of it . He could see her smile . Her eyes glinted with a predatory nature that could consume him and reminded him of a big cat about to pounce . He did not want to be what she pounced on . He did not want to be consumed and be no more . Maybe he did not want to ever be a man . " No one wants to hear anything you say . You 're just a kid , but someday you 'll be a man . " Those were the words he dreaded as he heard her talking about being a man . Be a man . Stevie 's little shoulders sagged . But his parents loved him . They loved him in their own way . Many thoughts and memories flooded his little mind . There were times his father smiled and appeared to be proud of Stevie . His mother would buy him some special toy and tell him it was because they loved him . They must love him because he had a lot of toys . It wasn 't often , but there were other times when he thought they loved him , like when they went camping together on the piece of land his father had bought in the Missouri Ozarks . It was a beautiful wooded area with lakes and trails . The only time Stevie ever felt free was when they were camping . His parent still got drunk , but they were nicer to him and there were no bedrooms to lock him in . If friends came along , as they did from time to time , he just stayed out of their way . His aunt never went camping . From as early as Stevie could think , he had realized the only time anybody noticed he existed was if he did or said things that made them angry . But he didn 't care if they yelled at him and called him names . He didn 't care if they got mad , because he felt angry all the time . He was sure they never thought or cared if he was angry . It seemed the only person who liked him and cared about his thoughts and feelings was Danny , but his mother didn 't like him having Danny as a friend . Besides , she thought Danny was a pretend friend . But he wasn 't . He was real . He was very real . He didn 't understand how Danny appeared and disappeared like he did . He shared as much with Danny one day when he came to visit . " Where did you come from ? " he asked . " I didn 't hear you come in . Did Mom see you ? She 'll be mad . She says you 're just pretend . " Danny smiled . " Your Mom can 't see me unless I want her to see me . I 'm your special friend . " Stevie hesitated . " I wish you would want mom to see you so she would quit telling me that you are just make believe . If she could see you , then she wouldn 't get mad at me when I talk about you . " Danny smiled that patient smile of his again . " It would make no difference if she could see me . She seems to find things to get mad about and takes it out on you . She is really mad at herself . Since I am your special friend then only you can see me . Do you understand ? " Stevie thought about it . " I don 't really understand , " he confessed . " But I 'm glad you 're my friend . " He paused thoughtfully before confiding , " I don 't like it when my Mom 's mean to me . You 're lucky because you 're big . She can 't just pick you up or throw you around if she gets mad at you for being my friend . I bet she 'd be afraid to hit you . I 'll be glad when I get big so people can 't do things to me and hurt me . " " You 'll be big soon enough , " Danny told him . He squatted and looked Stevie in the eye . " I would never hurt you , Stevie . " " You can trust me , " Danny assured him . " I am your special friend and will be forever . Stevie nodded . " I know you 'd never hurt me , Danny . You 're too nice to be mean , like other grownups . " " I told you before , I 'm always around . " Danny stood back up and sat on the bed . Stevie climbed up beside him . " I looked everywhere and you weren 't here . I looked everywhere except the basement . I don 't understand , " he confided , still unable to stifle his curiosity . " I guess you didn 't look everywhere then , did you ? " Danny smiled . " Don 't worry about trying to understand . Do you trust me ? " Stevie frowned in thought for a moment . " Sure I trust you , " he said hesitantly . A smile suddenly lit his face . " You 're my best friend , Danny . You 're my only friend . If it 's a secret , you can tell me . " " People can only find and see me when I want them to , " Danny explained patiently . " That may be hard for you to understand , but if you really trust me , then you can believe what I tell you and not worry about it . You 're my friend too . I 'll visit you at times and keep you company . My visiting is not a secret , but we don 't need to tell others because they won 't understand . They never listen or care anyway , so why should we tell them ? " Stevie looked confused . " It 's just that I don 't understand why Mom can 't see you . She thinks I 'm lying about you and you 're only in my imagination . " " You look just like anyone else . I don 't know what you would look like if you were only in my imagination like Mom says . I think you 're right that they don 't listen or care anyway . " He moved closer to Danny with a conspiring smile . " Maybe it could be our secret for just you and me . " " Why , I think that is a capital idea , " Danny smiled back . " You are very smart . If it is a secret that I am here , then we don 't have to worry what others might think or what to tell them or not tell them . If we do not tell them anything there will be nothing for them to question or get mad about . Would you promise me that you will tell no one I am here or about anything that we talk about ? That would make me feel better . " Danny lowered his voice as if he did not want anyone to overhear their secret conversation . " I 'll make you a promise too . " " What ? " Stevie asked excitedly . " I promise to look out for you . I promise to be your friend and care about you and love you . I 'll teach you things and share secrets with you . I will take care of you and never leave you . Even if you do not see me , I will be with you always and be a part of you . You will never have to feel alone . But you must trust me and only me . Do we have a deal ? " He held out his hand to seal their secret pact . A cold draft filled the room as they shook hands . Danny smiled again as he slid his arm around his shoulder . " I 'll always be your friend , Stevie . You never have to feel alone again or think that no one will listen to you . I 'll always listen to you and care about you . " There was a noise outside the door and Stevie tensed . He quickly slid from the bed and peeked out the door , worried his mother might have overhead him speaking to Danny . She was loading a large laundry basket to carry down the steep , narrow , curving stairs to the laundry area in the basement and had obviously heard nothing . Silently , Stevie eased the door shut and listened to her footsteps disappearing towards the stairs . He breathed a sigh of relief . She had forgotten him . He turned to share the good news with Danny . There was no one there . Startled , his eyes flitted around the room . He ran over to the bed and looked underneath it . He checked the closet , but there was not a trace of Danny . Just then , there was a bumping sound followed by a loud scream . Alarmed , Stevie ran to the door and opened it . He went quickly down the passage to the doorway for the basement stairs . He hesitated , peering down the steep stairs leading down to the basement . " Mom ? " he called . There was no response . He started at the sound of the front door opening then relaxed a bit as the alarm was silenced . His father was home . Michael called out to his wife as he came into the apartment , but again there was no response . Seeing Stevie standing by the open door to the basement , he frowned . " Where is your mother ? " he asked gruffly . " I don 't know , " Stevie answered fearfully . " I was playing in my room and heard some weird noises . I think she went to do the laundry . " " Get out of the way , " Michael barked and stomped down the stairs . Stevie immediately realized something was wrong as he watched his parents making their way slowly up the narrow stairs . His father was almost carrying his mother who could hardly walk . Stevie moved out of their way quickly as his father took her to the living room and helped her to the couch . Worriedly , he watched as his father checked his mother 's head , arms and the back of her legs . There were bruises everywhere . Michael went and got her a glass of water . " What the hell happened ? " he asked as he handed it to her . " Michael , you have no idea what I go through . " She winces in pain as she continues . She puts a hand to her head . " I am lucky I lived through this . It could have killed me , and for what ? I went downstairs to do the laundry , " Marsha explained between sobs and tears . " I felt someone push me from behind and the next thing I knew I was falling down the stairs . I hit my head where the stairs turn sharply . Someone pushed me , I tell you . I was carrying the laundry basket and someone … I felt hands on my back … . Pushed me down the stairs . " " I was so upset by the way he was behaving , I decided to let him stay in his room . " Marsha ducked her head drying it with the back covering her face with both hands . Her voice was muffled . " Maybe you just don 't care ? " Need her doing something here like drying her tears with the back of her hand . She raised her head and shot Stevie an accusing look as she wiped the tears with the back of her hand , " He was the only other person in the apartment . Do you hear what I am saying ? " Michael glanced at Stevie . He had been at the top of the stairs looking down when he came home . But he was too small to be able to push an adult down the stairs . On the other hand , it might have been possible to knock Marsha off balance if she had both hands full with that big laundry basket . He hated to think his son would do such a thing , but , as Marsha had said , there was no one else in the apartment . Marsha rubbed her head where a dark bruise was forming . " I 'm sure . I know when I 've been pushed . I could feel hands on my back and then down I went . That little son of a bitch was getting back at me because he got in trouble earlier . " She started sobbing again . " You don 't know what it 's like to have to deal with him day in day out . You have no idea how hard it is for me . You need to do something about him , Michael . I can 't deal with him anymore . I could have died . " Stevie froze in fear as he looked from his mother to his father who had now turned to face him . " Well , you heard what she said . What have you got to say for yourself ? Did you push your own mother down the stairs ? ' His voice was harsh with barely contained anger as he continued , " Why do you act up all of the time and cause all these problems ? Why ? " Stevie 's voice quivered as he tried to explain . " I 'd never hurt Momma . I was playing in my bedroom . I don 't know what happened to her . I heard weird noises and a scream . I went to look for her , but I couldn 't find her and then you got home and … I love Momma . " " When I came in , you were standing at the top of stairs . If you didn 't push her then tell me who did ? " Stevie fought the tears that were threatening to come . Why were they blaming him ? How could they believe he would do such a thing ? Days later , the bruises all over his small body had become dark purple , black and yellow . The dark bruises around his neck where his father had dug into his throat resembled the purple petals of a flower . His body ached all over , but the pain and emptiness he felt inside hurt much worse than his battered and beaten little body . He spent most of the time in his bedroom . Feeling no desire to play with his toys , he sat in the corner of the room watching tiny particles of dust swirl in the swath of a sunbeam that had made its way through the window . He slowly rose to sit in the little chair by the window and gazed at the people coming and going on the street below . Seeing the cars passing by , he wished he had someplace to go where he would be safe and happy . " I should have come to see you sooner , but sometimes time gets away from me . One day is like all days . How have you been ? " As usual , Stevie had not heard the door open . He had heard no alarm sound on the outside doors . He would never understand how Danny came and went as he did , but he was relieved to see him . Even then , he could not shake the depression and feeling of misery he had felt since his mother fell and he had been blamed . He was sure neither of his parents loved him and he didn 't know what to do to earn their love . No matter how hard he tried , he was always in the wrong . " If you don 't feel like talking , I can always come back another time , " Danny said gently . Stevie rose from his chair . " Oh , no , I 'm glad to see you . It 's just that . . . well , . . . I 'm glad to see you . " " You don 't look too happy . Is it anything you want to talk about or that I might be able to help with ? " Danny walked over to the window where Stevie had been sitting and sat down cross - legged on the floor . Stevie looked at Danny somberly . " My mom and dad both hate me . Everything is always my fault even if I don 't know how things happened or what happened , it 's still my fault . " " Everything here is bad . Momma fell down the basement stairs and told my dad that I pushed her . I would never push my momma down the stairs or try to hurt her . I don 't know why she would tell him that . I told him the truth and he still got mad and beat me . " Overcome by emotion , he stopped speaking . He sat with his head hung and tears glistening in his eyes . At first , Stevie didn 't answer . When he did , his voice was little more than a whisper . " I know he didn 't mean to hurt me like he did . He was just mad because of the lie mom told him . I try not to make them mad at me , but no matter what , I 'm always bad . I really don 't know why my Momma would lie and say I tried to hurt her , Why would she say something like that ? " " You are not bad at all . You are one of the best little boys I have ever known . Your dad should learn to listen to you more and your mom should drink less beer and pay more attention . Maybe if she drank less , she would not fall down stairs . None of that is your fault . You need to know that and believe me . " For the first time since Stevie had known him , there was anger in Danny 's voice . Stevie looked at him nervously , but quickly realized Danny was not angry with him , but on his account . He felt relief that there was someone who believed in him and didn 't blame him for things he had not done . After a while , Danny said , " What about your aunt ? I 've seen her here a few times . " " I don 't like my auntie Lee . She does things and then lies about it . She gets me in trouble and I don 't like her . I can 't say anything about her though or everyone says I 'm a liar and then I get into real bad trouble . I wish she would never come back . " He hung his head again . " I don 't want to talk about her anymore . It makes me feel bad to even think about her . " " You don 't have to talk about anything you don 't want to talk about . I just want you to know you are not alone anymore . You have a friend . You have me . " " Want to draw pictures with me ? " Stevie asked hopefully . Without waiting for an answer , he went to his closet to find his coloring book and crayons . As he rummaged through the closet , he heard Danny say , " I can 't stay long right now , but maybe you could make me some pictures for the next time I visit . " Stevie stuck his head out of the closet to answer . " I 'll make you a bunch of pictures , but can 't you stay and color with me for just a little while ? Danny ? " Once again , Danny had vanished . This time , Stevie was determined to find out how he disappeared like magic . Remembering a movie with secret places behind the walls he had once seen , he began tapping on the walls to find a hidden entrance to the room . It was the only explanation . As he reached the center of the wall , his bedroom door opened . His mother stood in the doorway staring at him . There was beer on her breath . " What are you doing ? " Marsha asked . " I heard you tapping on the walls . " Stevie thought quickly . He knew whatever he told her , it couldn 't be the truth . " I saw a TV show about old houses . Some of them had secret passages and places to hide in the walls . Maybe since this is an old house there 's some treasure or something hidden in the walls . " " This house is plenty old , " Marsha smiled . " But I don 't think you 'll find any treasure . But knock on the walls all you want . Just don 't knock any holes in them we 'll have to fix . I wouldn 't knock too loud though or you might wake up a ghost or two . " Marsha smiled wisely . " As old as this house is , there was probably more than one person who died here . I 've read a lot about things like that in my books . I 'm actually kind of an expert on spirits and special things like that . " Stevie stared at her in wonder . He had never seen her seem so interested in talking to him . But he loved the feeling she wanted to be with him and he wanted her good mood to last . He tried to think of something to say that would prolong it . Cautiously , he cleared his throat . " That 's really neat , " he said , hoping that was the right thing to say . Seeing it seemed to be , he went on to ask , " Do you really think there might be ghosts in our house ? What does a ghost look like ? " Marsha gave him an amused look . She pulled her shoulders back , seeming to stretch even taller than usual as she stood in the doorway . " I 'm afraid you 're way too young to understand such things . Maybe when you get older we can talk about the supernatural . " " I could try and understand , " Stevie pleaded . " What is supernatural ? If you tell me things then I could learn . " He was desperate for more of this attention she was giving him and it was obvious that talking about these things put her in a good mood . " Maybe , some other time I can teach you some things . I have a lot of books about things like that . I 'm sure if there was a ghost in our house I would be the first to know about it and be able to contact it . " To his disappointment , she changed the subject . " There are hot dogs , chips and cookies for lunch . You can eat in the kitchen or bring it in here if you want . " She opened the door a little farther to let him out . " I want to eat with you . It would be fun . " He smiled up at her hopefully , hungry for more attention . Marsha hesitated . She turned toward the kitchen with Stevie following closely behind . " You go ahead and eat . I 'm not hungry yet , " she said , opening the refrigerator and taking a cold hot dog from the top shelf . She placed it on a paper plate on the table where she had already laid out a bag of chips and another of cookies for him . He sat , still hoping she would keep him company even though she wasn 't hungry . She went back to the refrigerator and returned with a can of soda for him and a can of beer for herself . She hadn 't been sitting for a minute before the telephone rang . Stevie listened to her talking on the phone while he ate . He soon realized she was talking to a woman named Janet Mason who was married to his father 's best friend . The Masons were one of the couples that often came on the weekends to party , drink and get high with his parents . Like his parents , they didn 't think of themselves as drug users because they smoked marijuana and popped a few pills . They were just partying and having fun like everybody else . Stevie didn 't mind Janet and Mark Mason . They didn 't get mean with him or make his mom and dad get mad at him because of things they said about him . Sometimes , they even visited him in his room as he was not allowed out of his room when guests were there . Sometimes , if they were the first to arrive , he got to leave his room and talk with them for a while . He continued to eat his lunch , vaguely listening to his mother 's end of the conversation at the same time . " Michael mentioned you were coming over later and we could cook something on the grill . " Stevie cringed as he heard her say , " We never mind having Greg . . . I know how hard it can be to find a sitter . My sister sits for us , but it 's always a hassle . Stevie gets his little attitude going then starts telling some of his stories and some days I just don 't know what to do with him . I know what you mean . He makes up some of the weirdest stories . His newest thing is his little imaginary friend . He swears up and down that he 's real . He even goes all over looking for him … Really ? . . . Greg had one too ? So you think it 's normal ? . . . I never thought of it that way . . . . Well , I guess we just won 't worry about it anymore then . I didn 't realize so many kids had imaginary friends and that they even did specials on TV about it . " They continued to talk , but Stevie had ceased to listen . He knew his mother would be busy for some time with her phone call and any chance for them spending time together was lost . At least she had been nice to him . He finished his hotdog , had a few bites of chips , took two cookies out of the bag and left the kitchen . On the way back to his bedroom , he suddenly remembered his mother falling on the basement stairs . He had become curious about the basement after that . He had never really explored it because of the strange feelings he had when he was down there . And there were bad memories of one area where his aunt took him to help him become a man and teach him not to be afraid . When he had told her he was afraid of being in the basement , she had become obsessed with making him go down there , going as far as to turn the lights out and leave him there to find his own way out . He shuddered , remembering the terror he had felt when he was alone in the dark and the sickness and shame he had felt because of the things she had done to him there . He had tried to tell his parents , but it had only got him in trouble . He paused at the door to the stairway leading to the basement , visualizing the large , dark room . It was divided into different rooms . The room near the stairs on the right was the laundry room . Across from it was a small room that looked like a living room with old , large , overstuffed furniture . He shuddered . This was where his aunt would take him to teach him how to become a man . He was not sure what else there was in the basement , because he had always been afraid to go and explore at the times he accompanied his mother to do the laundry . Stevie stood there for a while , curious about what he would find , but not curious enough to go down by himself . He turned on his heels , deciding he would go and color the pictures he wanted to make for the next time Danny came to visit . He spent the rest of the afternoon painstakingly coloring the pictures for Danny , trying his best to stay within the lines . By the time he finished , he had a stack . He surveyed his handiwork proudly . He could hardly wait to give them to Danny . He wished he knew how to call him or find him , but he knew he would just have to wait for him to appear as he chose . As he put his artwork carefully away , he heard the sound of the alarm . His father was home from work . Stevie eased his bedroom door open to listen before he went out to greet his father . He had learned the hard way it was always best to see what kind of a mood Michael was in before he showed his face . And he knew it was wise to let his mother have time to talk to him first . If he interrupted their conversation , they would be mad at him for the whole night . He heard them laughing as they talked and decided he was safe . As he timidly slipped into the kitchen , Michael spotted him and smiled . " Hey , champ . How 's it been going ? What have you been doing today ? " Stevie beamed . " It 's been going great , Dad . I worked hard and colored some really good pictures . Want to see them ? I 'll go get them . " Before his father had a chance to answer , he took off to go get the pictures . When Stevie returned with his masterpieces , he found his parents talking about the evening to come . His face fell when he heard Greg Mason would be coming with his parents . Stevie didn 't like Greg Mason and hated when he came to visit . Greg was older than him and as mean as a boy could be . He took delight in breaking Stevie 's toys and saying it was Stevie who had broken them . It seemed to Stevie that everywhere he turned there was someone who told lies and blamed him for things he hadn 't done . Feeling deflated and dreading the evening to come , he slunk off to his room without showing his father his pictures . Stevie did not have long to think about what the evening would hold before the door to his room opened . Janet and his mother were there with Greg standing there smiling and a glint in his eyes . " You boys play nice now . We don 't want any problems like before . Greg has missed getting to come here and see you , Stevie . Maybe you will be nice and share with him . " Janet thought her son could do no wrong and apparently Marsha would always agree with her friend and side against Stevie rather than stand up to her in any confrontation or argument . All Janet had to do was get the angry attitude and loud to be able to make Marsha agree with her . In many ways her son was a lot like she was . They could be loud and mean when they wanted to until others just agreed with them or gave in and let them have their way . As soon as the door closed Stevie tried to gather his drawings to find a safe place for them . Greg lunged into him knocking him half off his feet causing him to drop the stack of pictures he has worked so hard on scattering on the floor . Greg began stepping all over the pictures with his feet laughing and asking , " What ugly crap is this ? I bet it is something you did . It looks dumb and ugly enough to be yours . " Stevie did not bother to answer Greg . He knew from experience that it only offered him more opportunity to taunt , tease and abuse him . Stevie quietly and quickly tried to gather what he could of his drawings . Without warning Greg stopped stepping on the pictures and stomped his fingers and hands . In a swift kick he caught Stevie so hard it knocked him breathless on his side . The moment allowed time to rip the pictures into little pieces . That was the beginning of a long night ahead . Stevie woke the next morning curled up on the floor in a corner of his room . Pieces of the pictures he had spent the entire afternoon before coloring were scattered all over the carpet . Greg had torn them to bits and , in addition , broken the new truck Stevie had enjoyed playing with . When he had tired of the destruction , he had taken Stevie 's bed and left Stevie to lie on the floor . Stevie looked around him in frustration . He picked up the broken truck and began to beat it on the floor , tears of rage and hurt running silently down his face . The door to his bedroom flew open and he looked up blinking away the tears . His mother and father stood in the doorway glaring at him . Michael was the first to speak , but it was Marsha who got the brunt of his anger this time . " You bitch about Janet saying Greg wasn 't the one that broke all the toys . You can look right here for yourself and see the truth . I guess you and Stevie will blame Greg . I blame you . If you 'd ever get off your lazy ass and teach our son how to behave , we wouldn 't have these problems . You don 't clean house or cook meals or do anything but drink you beer and read you goofy books . Why don 't you cast one of your witch 's spells and turn Stevie into a normal kid instead of the little puke he really is ? You are both worthless . You don 't appreciate anything that I work my ass off to buy you . I 'm going out . " " I don 't have to listen to your shit , " Marsha shrieked . " You don 't have any idea what I have to put up with all day . Where the hell are you going and when will you be back ? " " I 'm going out and I won 't be back until I 'm good and ready . When I do get back , I want to see this place cleaned up . " With that , he turned abruptly and left . It seemed like a long time that Marsha remained in the doorway of Stevie 's room staring at him . When she finally spoke , it was through clenched teeth . " Why ? Why do you always screw things up ? I can 't believe I actually took up for you and told them that Greg was no angel and he was the one who broke your toys . I told them you didn 't do it and here you are breaking the shit out of your favorite truck . Say something you retarded little turd . " She kicked a small truck lying on the floor so hard it flew across the room striking Stevie on the shoulder . He cried out in pain . " If you think that hurt , you haven 't seen anything yet , " Marsha snarled . " I won 't put up with your dad getting pissed at me for the crap you do . I 'm giving you ten minutes to clean up this room . He wants me to teach you how behave ? I 'll teach you a lesson you won 't ever forget . Any toys you haven 't put away will be thrown out and you 'll get a swat for every little piece of anything I see on this floor . When you get done , you can clean the rest of the house to make up for causing me so many problems . " She then left the room , slamming the door behind her . It was a miserable day for Stevie . He tried to think of happy times to cheer himself up , but there were very few of those . It seemed the only time he felt happy was when his friend , Danny , came to visit . Tears filled his young eyes as he surveyed the pieces of the pictures he had made for Danny . He had taken his time coloring them and done his best . He had been so proud of them and imagined Danny smiling and thanking him and saying how beautiful they were . Danny was his only friend . He could tell Danny about all of the occurrences , hardships , heartaches and troubles of his little life . No one could ever know he talked to Danny about these things . His parents had both told him never to confide in anyone other than them about anything that happened in the family . Recently , they had been harping at him that he would start school soon and needed to listen to them and do as they said . They insisted that nothing that went on in their home or with them was to be talked about with anyone at school , no matter how nice that person might be . To make sure he took them seriously , they told him a story about a little boy that complained about his parents . They told him when a boy gets into trouble it proves he 's a bad boy . " They take bad boys and put them either in a prison for children , or foster homes where they are punished all of the time and have to eat nothing but scraps , " his father had warned ominously . " If they still tell stories about people being mean to them , they are put in a worse foster home and are beaten all of the time . Foster homes are for punishing bad children . " Stories such as these , designed to frighten Stevie , were repeated often to discourage him from talking about their parties with excessive drinking , marijuana smoking and drug use . What Stevie didn 't know was his father made quite a bit of money during these parties selling different kinds of drugs for a tidy profit . Michael and Marsha were aware there were anti - drug programs in the schools . Often children talked about what went on at home and parents ended up getting arrested . Whatever it took , they had to make sure Stevie kept his mouth shut . Well , I made it . We had our writer 's meeting . I have had to cancel so many things because I simply could not do them . I can say that now that it is hard for me . I hate to say that ' I can not . . . . ' If you are around me much , read things that I write or post , or even read my own story I Will Not Give Up . . . Not Today . . . Life Is A Journey , I often say to never give up . . . . if you don 't give up and keep trying you may be amazed at what happens . Repetitive phrases ? ? ? ? I am sure there are times some might want to hit me over the head because I have said it so often . . . maybe too often , but I believe it and try to live it . I try , have tried and am trying with all my heart to do that , but there comes a time to be realistic too . When I started all of this I would have loved to be the anonymous writer and have all of my books published and others read them as I shared things I have worked to create or express . No one I know is going to read a book from an author that does not seem to exist or be real that they have never heard of . For many years I felt like an invisible person who hoped one day to be able to live my life . I was the one who was here for the kids , family , cook from scratch , clean , take care of problems and so on . One day I would get to go and do , but life can get in the way when you are needed to be . . . . and do . . . . and life goes on . My health has never been good even as a child but we learn to adapt and survive or we give up and give in to die or accept and resign to what our limitations are . I tried even as a child to realize that maybe I really can not do this or that because of . . . . but focus on what I could do , . . . because there is more to me than a list of illnesses or limitations . That philosophy has served me well . I loved to write , arts , crafts , outdoors , and so many things . I paint pictures that are often a path to . . . to where we need to go ? Want to go ? Maybe one day it is the path that will take me home . I take a piece of playdoh the children play with and make it bloom . I love that . We must always keep the child in us alive . I can do it in clay too , but still love my playdoh flowers . When I write I want to write things that are truly a creation . I want a story that is so real you can know these people not just read about a character . I want you to see the place not just describe a scene . I want you to get to know them as if they were real . I want to bring them and their places and stories to life . Can I do it ? I try in every story . Writing for me is not just something learned , but a passion I want to share . When I get started talking about writing I do go on . I love to talk to others and help them to realize they too can write if it is what they want to do . If it is something you enjoy and holds meaning for you , do what makes you happy . I loved to write but when I finished my first novel that I wrote Journey Home , I realized it needed more than I had the ability to do . I may be self published but that does not mean that I write , click and publish , write , click , publish and just say " Now I am an author . " I want my writing to be special and something I can bring to life . I went to school . The blog about Grandma goes to school tells it and so does the book of my life . I loved it and I learned so much . I learned not only about writing but also about how to look at what I write to make it more . I did not give up . I was going to try to go the traditional route in publishing . I researched to find out how to submit to find an agent and publishers . I worked and was so excited . I got sick . . . . again . I do not go for help medically unless I have to and think I might really die . I had enough of that when I was young . I always think I can do it . . . I am tough enough . There are times we can not do it alone and need help . I got sick , very sick . I coughed . That does not quite tell the whole story . I coughed with spasms that convulsed my body with every cough . I could not stop the coughing . Then the pain in my side was unbearable and I could not breathe . It is hard to imagine or for me to tell and others to understand , unless they have lived through coughing so severe that it breaks your own ribs . The x rays showed pneumonia and that I had broken my rib . It showed more than that . It showed a mass . I worried about lung cancer . In my book I tell it all . I tell about how I felt at this time and when they finally found that it was an inoperable mass under the aorta . There is no extra room between the heart and the aorta . Every little bit of growth is killing me . They could not do radiation or chemo therapy and it was inoperable . When I asked the doctor to be totally honest and tell me what I was going to do . . . . . he said I was going to die . I wrote it all . In my book I told about how I felt and what was going on . I am , as you know , not dead . . . . not yet . . . . not today . It did give me a lot to think about . I did not have time to wait to be traditionally published if I wanted to make my dreams come true . I wanted to hold one of my books in my hands and see it be real . If something did happen to me , I could leave part of me and my words and things I had created . I was not sure I had time to wait for traditional publishing but was going to try . I sent out query letters and synopsis of the story and got such nice responses , but the bottom line was that they were not taking new authors or were busy . . . etc , etc . I did not know how much time I had when I got very very sick again . Again I had pneumonia and more . I had lung cancer and in really bad areas . They could not take out the growths because they were in with the arteries that supplied the lung . One was also right against the lymph nodes . If it went through my whole system all was lost . I was lost . The whole upper lobe of the lung would have to go . Could I survive that kind of surgery ? I do not always tolerate anesthesia well . I have ended up on life support before from it . I have taken longer to wake . . . hours and hours longer to respond at all after anesthesia . It is a fear for me and this was not going to be an easy surgery . Every heart beat the cancer grew and if it got in instead of beside the lymph nodes , I understood what that would mean . Game over . We could not do the surgery . I did not have enough function left to live . The cancer was growing and I could not get it out . I worked . I did the treatments every 4 to 6 hours . I did a lot of things and finally we could schedule the surgery . That is what I was going through this time of the year 2 years ago . I decided to publish the second novel I wrote first and worked at it as I worked to try to live . The title of the book is Life Goes On and I hoped it would go on for me tool You might think of it as Post Traumatic Stress , but I think there are often times of the year that will trigger emotions we may not even realize . In addition to remembering all that has been , I am sick again . This time it is not pneumonia . Something happened in my head . I have been so tired . I have been so weak that I could hardly walk . No matter how hard I tried this was a tired like no other . I could fall asleep sitting up . I could hardly stay up and around or walk about . I was in and out and had no life left in me . I tried to keep going and not give up but there are no words to tell how it has been . Maybe one day I can , but not today . My little grandson and I were here together . He is my helper and my angel . He comes here after school until his mother , my daughter gets off work . Something was wrong . It was so wrong . I felt so bad . I began to be afraid . That feeling I have had in the past when I was close to not even living was there . What was wrong ? I could not think ? I did not know . I was so confused and then . . . . if no one talked to me or there was nothing going on . . . . there was nothing . There was nothing at all . All thought processes and time had stopped . My face felt like it was on fire and I felt so weak I was afraid of falling if I got up . I needed help . I was afraid I had or was having a stroke . My poor little grandson was stuck here with his MaMaw . I was finally able to talk and called my husband . All I could say was I had to go to the hospital . Something is wrong and I need help . He was already almost home . He and my daughter and grandson loaded me up and off we went . By the time we got to the hospital we feared I had had a stroke . The ER hooked me up to monitors to monitor everything . If I got into a dangerous situation with any of heart , oxygen level , blood pressure etc it would set off an alarm . The alarm sounded most of 6 hours . They were trying with meds to drop the blood pressure . That was the problem then . Nothing worked . I live in a world of pain from all different things . My back is especially a problem and every step I take is on broken bones that did not hold when they were pinned from the accident . Injections helped the pain the the blood pressure was still ringing the alarms . After 6 hours it dropped as quickly as it rose . They did not keep me or run CT scans . They sent me home . Would it keep dropping or go back up ? I went home . I contacted my own health care and they ordered the Ct scans of the brain . I am so happy to say I did not have a stroke . We do not know what happened . We do not know why . We do not know how to help me . . . yet . I am still so tired I am writing this little at a time . More tests are scheduled . I am so tired . I am not giving up but felt so close . That brings me to these last two weeks . What good is it for me to live at all if all I am is a huge , fat , ugly , mass of helpless burden on those I love ? These are not the words from my family or friends . This is an insight into me that I have no idea why I would ever share except there may be others who have felt such feelings or similar feelings and they need to know . . . . do not give up . We do not know what our future holds . This past two weeks has inspired many feelings and thoughts though , and not all were of my own control . Depression is real and it can be a killer . It can kill not only the heart and soul of a person but lower your immune system and even take away your will to live . Was I depressed . . . Oh , without a doubt . Why should I go on and hurt everyday if this is all there is ? If I can not be of help to others and only a burden . . . why go on ? I can not get out and go places , and do things , and feel alive . . . . maybe I am so nothing I need to get real and let go . . . just let go and let nature take its course without fighting to live . I hate this huge body I live in . Years of sickness and steroids have made me hideous . Now I am even worse than before . Since all of this started , even my face is swollen until my eyes are slits . I am not me . . . . or am I ? I guess that is the bottom line . I am just me . I am me . I am . What will I be ? I have no idea . There are more test ordered . About the time I began to wonder if there was no hope for me there was an amazing thing . I did not admit before but I have fallen 4 times in the recent months . I do not bounce and it really hurts . I hurt so much every day I did not need to hurt more . This picture of my foot is just one of those times . Online . . . . twitter and fb and here one the blog . You were there . I was not able to RT or help you in any way but you did not forget me . You visited me on FB and here and on twitter . You shared about my books and blog and fan page , You did more than RT . . . . You touched my heart . You gave me hope . I may sit here all alone and type because I can not get out and around to do more , but you made it so I am not alone . You followed and helped on my page and my husband 's . You made me feel I have friends . A friend to me , is a person who cares . You cared and showed it in every tweet or message or email or book of mine you got . You are helping dreams to come true but also life to another who felt so alone . My husband is trying to help with the books . He knows how much they mean to me . He is helping with more than that . When I can not get up he works all day and then comes home and fixes supper or helps me in so many different ways . My daughter works all day and then comes here and helps and tries in so many ways and she cares and loves . My little grandson shows so much love . I wrote one blog about his magic hands . . . . When a person touches you with love it is magic . I may take care of him but he takes care of me too . My friends have done more than say they care they are there for me . I guess the only one ready to give up on me was me . I am going to write about the meeting . I loved it . It did have some moments , but overall I am glad I went . I am tired and this is taking awhile to do little at a time . I will be back soon . I just had to find a way to say thank you and share what is going on now . We do not know what is wrong with me so I need to focus on what is right . I can do it . I will not give up . . . . not today . . . . each and every day . I love to write , paint , sculpt and many other things . I am a wife , mother , grandmother ( I really like that one ) daughter , sister , aunt , neighbor , friend and whatever I have been needed to be . Now I am also a writer and illustrator of my two novels Life Goes On , Journey Home , and the new Children 's Bookm A short story collection and my own story called I Will Not Give Up . . Not Today . . Life Is A Journey . I want people to be able to hold the book and look at it and it be more than just another novel . I designed and created the covers and wrote the books from front to back . I wanted to write stories that would be enjoyed and remembered . I am Linda Nance . It has been my dream to be a published author and be to be able to reach out to others . I would like to be able to make a difference . You might say it is my voice . I want to say that we are never too old or too young to make dreams come true if we are willing to work hard and believe . I want each and every person who might get one of my books to have something special that reminds them in their own lives to never give up . Whatever their dreams and wishes are , they can come true .

The previous chapter was the last chapter of book 3 . I will take some time off before starting with the new book . Right now I 'm working on getting book 1 ready to be published as an e - book , and it will take me some time , but I will try to get back to regular posting as soon as possible . In the meanwhile I will try to publish a few bonus stories , mostly about what happened the night that Faakhir and Emily died . " I can 't understand how you can be so ok with all this , " William said . " Kaiserin betrayed us , she took things under her own hands and took the Dominion for herself . She broke her promises once , how can you be so sure she won 't do it again ? " " I 'm not so sure about that . You can 't keep closing your eyes to what 's in front of you . It 's just like before , Kaiserin took a taste of power and she doesn 't want to share it with anyone , just like my sister . " William knew it was pointless to keep discussing with his mother , she trusted Kaiserin and nothing he could say would change her mind , but he wasn 't so sure that trust was placed in the right person . Kaiserin had promised them that they would be part of her effort to take the Dominion back , but she had moved without them , leaving them out of the loop . He couldn 't help but think she had done that to keep them out . After living with his sister 's betrayal and all the pain he had to endure after that , William had trouble trusting people . His power helped him know if a person was being truthful or not , all he had to do was ask a question and the person would be forced to tell him the truth . Some people avoided him for that reason , but Kaiserin was different , even when he was using his power against her , he had the feeling she wasn 't telling him everything . That , and the fact that she was avoiding him , told him that she had something to hide , and he wouldn 't be at peace until he knew what had really happened . For the moment , all he knew was that he couldn 't trust her , but he had no choice but to stay there , because Kaiserin and his mother agreed that he needed to stay in Aquarium , like when he was a prisoner of his sister . It was a long day , followed by an even longer night . I hadn 't been able to sleep , in part because I was afraid that as soon as lowered my guard and fell asleep , the nightmares would attack , after everything I had gone through during the day , I knew I couldn 't let myself vulnerable to my own mind . But I also stayed awake because there was a lot of work to be done , I needed to supervise all the activities that my men were doing all around the Dominion . The army , working under my command , thanks to a few well positioned contacts , was in control of all the important government locations around the Dominion , and in some parts , they had also taken some of the most important streets , making sure there were no one able to protest or fight me . The rebellions we had contacted during the last years had agreed to stay quiet , and let us take control , they would only act if we did something to affect their people of if the situation got out of control . So far , people had been either too surprised or too afraid to do anything against me . " Good morning Kaiserin , it 's a pleasure to be able to talk to you again , " Sofia said , but I couldn 't be sure if she was as sincere as she seemed . It was the first chance I had to directly talk to her since I had killed her daughter . I had been able to send her a message telling her what had happened and asking her to have a meeting with me , but I haven 't been able to explain . " Don 't worry Kaiserin , I understand . I know you wouldn 't have done it if there was another way . A part of me regrets not having a last chance to talk to my daughter and try to make her understand , to change her mind , but another part of me knows just how pointless it would have been , and that maybe it was better this way . I even prefer it , maybe I 'm being a coward , but I 'm glad my daughter didn 't have another chance to hurt me like she did so many times before . " " Even so , I 'm sorry for your loss , I know this is not how you wanted it to end . I would like to tell you that you lost your daughter to Faakhir 's manipulations , and that it was his mind control that changed her , but I know that you wouldn 't believe me . He did give help her become the woman she was , but it was something that would have happened with or without him . " " Now that we cleared things up , I think it 's time to discuss our next steps . " I still was having trouble with the fog of the future , that 's why I needed them . I did my best not to let them know how worried I was , but I knew that if anyone would be able to help , it was them . They were both experienced Seeress , and they had proper training behind them . " First of all , I need to confess that the reason I was taken by surprise by Emily and Faakhir was that my powers are not working properly , I haven 't been able to read the future in a while . The last few times I even tried the paths were changing so fast that I couldn 't see a thing , and it was almost impossible to move in there . " " We are approaching a critical moment in our history . It 's not the first time something like this happens , every time the world is reaching a turning point , the future becomes hard to read . Right now you can 't go into the fog alone , you need a guide or a helper if you want any chance of walking the paths , " Sofia explained . Her words reminded me of another time I had been unable to read the future on my own , only that time I had assumed it was because I was inexperienced , and since Melchizedek had been there for me , I hadn 't realized the two situations were the same . " I can still see the near future , " Fatima said , " but it 's not as clear as usual . I think that for now , we should just let Kaiserin to keep going , to take over the Dominion and act as always . I think we should keep Sofia and William out of the spotlight for a little longer . They are safe , as long as they stay in Aquarium . Once Kaiserin takes control , officially , a lot of things can go wrong , it 's better if we keep best cards hidden . Fatima 's words made sense , I knew we still had a lot of enemies hidden in the shadows , and it was the perfect chance to bring them out in the open . It was in our best interest to keep their targets contained , so when they decided to attack , their focus would be on me . It would be also good to not let them know just how many allies I really had . " I agree with Fatima , " Sofia said . " I think that for the moment we should wait . I know I 'm asking too much of you , but if you could keep pretending to be that person , and take over my daughter 's position , I would be grateful . I hope you can start working on healing all the damage Emily did , I know you are the only one who can do it . " My meeting with the Representatives and Ambassadors was approaching fast , I had to see them at noon , that meant that I didn 't have much time to prepare before I had to face them . I didn 't want to go to war with any of them , and I hoped that all of them would recognize me . I knew that their words that day wouldn 't guarantee that they wouldn 't fight me in the future , but it would give me time to try and fix things before they had the chance to attack . Before facing them , there was something else I had to do . I called Connor , the guard in charge of the school . I had been able to communicate with Ethan using my powers , so I knew he was ok , but I needed to know how the rest of the kids were before I spoke to their parents . " All of them are ok , some of them are scared and most of them are worried , but in good health . Most of them are familiar with the hostage procedure and know what is expected of them . They are more worried about their parents than their own well being . " " It 's a necessary evil , " I said , " if we can convince their parents of accepting me as the new leader of the Dominion and swear their loyalty to me , we will be saving a lot of lives that would be lost in a war . They all think I 'm a monster , a demon incapable of showing mercy . They think I could kill their kids without a second thought about it , and that will help me keep control , at least for now . Soon their parents will recognize me , and then we will be able to let the kids go back to their lives . In the meantime , I trust you to keep them under control , Connor . " I left the room , and Kimball followed me as I made my way to the Congress . Once we arrived at the public part of the palace , Kimball moved away from me so he could pretend that we were enemies and that he didn 't want to be by my side . I knew that it was just part of the act and that it was in our best interest to pretend we weren 't in good terms . The idea behind the act was that Kimball could become the bridge between me and the rest of the Dominion , a friendly face they could trust . I took the same path I had taken the previous day , and I arrived at the same place where I had faced Emily , and was glad to see that it was full , it looked like they were all there . In a monitor I could see the faces of some of the leaders of different countries around the Dominion . For the next few hours I heard the Representatives and Leaders of the different countries pledge their loyalty to me and my new government . They were all there , and I was glad to see that things were going according to plan . I was reminded of previous occasions when I had been in the same or similar situation , it reminded me especially for the day I had taken my place as Empress of the Dark Empire . That had been a day that had filled me with pride and satisfaction . Having the Dominion under my command didn 't feel as good as that , for some reason I didn 't feel as happy . I was glad I had been able to do my part , and I couldn 't deny that I was glad to be back at the top , but I felt like I still had a long way to go . In the morning , by the time I woke up , Kimball was already gone and talking to Ethan . The only reason I had not woken up on time was that a vision I had during the night had kept me awake for a long time . I knew Malkia was having problems , and that Dendro had arrived in time to help her . I felt terrible knowing that two of my children were going through a rough time and I couldn 't do anything to help them . I had been able to offer a little help in Ethan 's case , but I was powerless to do anything in Malkia 's case . " Ethan and I reached an agreement . He already promised not to use his powers to fight . At least not without a really good reason , and when having a responsible adult around . If we are going to Capital City we can 't afford another accident . " " I 'm sorry , but the decision was already made . Ethan is no longer under your supervision , he is my student now and I 'm deciding what 's best for him . Besides , this will also help to keep him under Faakhir 's radar . Anyone that sees him fighting can see your influence . If we want them to keep thinking you care nothing about him , they can 't see how much you have invested in training him . " " I don 't like this , things won 't be easy for you in Capital City . I can 't guarantee that people won 't come after you . You have to be able to defend yourself . " " If that happens , I 'm sure we can find a way to keep him safe without using violence . I know this is my fault as well , I trained him and motivated him to get stronger , but I know that yesterday could have been worst . If the hit had been a little bit stronger or higher , it could have been fatal . It 's too dangerous , he needs to learn self control and be more aware of other people 's limits , for now , is best if he abstains from fights . " Neither of them knew just how true that was . Without my help , Andile would have been dead , and I knew that would have been terrible for Ethan . I decided not to press the issue , sooner or later they would realize that they were overreacting . " You shouldn 't worry about them , " Sofía said . " We both know that you are doing what 's best for them , and us . I understand some of them are angry about it , but once you free us all from my daughter and her husband , people will understand why you did what you did , and they will love you for that . " " I don 't think so , " I told her . " I think that they will hate me , and given enough time they will rise against me . For most people , my image will be too dark to accept . It will be better if people keep thinking of me as an enemy , and that they unite against me . Once Faakhir and Emily are out of the picture , I hope people will stop fearing the people in power and use their voices . I hope my refugees will lead people in a new revolution and create a new world . " " Go take a walk in the fog , and you will see it would be our best option . My revolution will give people the strength they need to take control of their destiny and start their own revolutions . Many countries are building their resistances , but Faakhir is too strong , and those won 't work . I need to destroy the Dominion first , so they will be able to raise . " " Some sacrifices are necessary , but at the end of the day , the lives we save will be more than the ones we sacrifice . I only wish we could make this happen faster . I need my family by my side , but at the same time I 'm afraid of the risks they will be taking by being in Capital City . I worry about Ethan the most . He feels so guilty about what happened yesterday that he vowed not to fight again . I worry he will be left at the mercy of others . I know that things are different here than back at the Empire , but I know how vicious young people can be . I fear for what could happen to Ethan if he is thrown in the middle of people who has reason to hate me and that 's looking for ways to hurt me . " " But I 'm not worried about Faakhir or any other adult . I 'm talking about the kids , the ones who will be attending the same school as Ethan . They are in a different league , they know I hurt people they care about , and they know they can 't do anything about it , they feel restless , powerless , angry … Ethan will arrive there being a perfect target for their anger . They can 't hurt me , but they can 't hurt someone , that for them , will be a representation of me . I 'm so afraid of what could happen , but Kimball doesn 't seem to think the same , and Ethan is so focused on his guilt that just doesn 't care . " I was still shaken up because of the vision about Malkia . I had thought she was safe at the Fortress , but I didn 't realize that her power and abilities would make her the target of the instructors , the people who couldn 't get a position in one of the armies and had been forced to teach a new generation to go where they couldn 't go . Someone with a potential as great as Malkia 's was hard to miss and they soon realized that she would be going higher than any of them could dream . For some of them their jealousy and fear had caused them to seek her destruction . I wasn 't there to help her and keep her safe , luckly Dendro appeared just at the right moment , and now she was under his protection . But I knew that the same reason that caused Dendro to be protective of her , would put her in danger . Dendro would do anything to keep my daughter safe , but Ivy would hate her for the same reason . I was also worried about Greca , she would be alone without Malkia , and her powers wouldn 't be as strong without the boost from her sister , and that would put her in danger . Her vulnerability could put a bigger target on her back , or take the attention off of her , but without a doubt , it would be very challenging for her without her sister . I knew her new situation would force her to grow , but I didn 't like her being in trouble . To know my daughters were going through a rough time , and to know the dangers and challenges Ethan would be facing once we moved to Capital City were making me feel inadequate . I just wanted the best for my children , I wanted them safe and happy , but I had failed all of them . Everything I have done had been thinking of them , but it wasn 't enough . Just by being their mother , I had made their lives more difficult . Moving to Capital City and our apartment in the Black Tower was easier than I expected . For some reason I was thinking the whole thing would be complicated , but Kimball had everything under control and the moving went smoothly . Our only problem arrived later on the day we arrived . " It would be weird to bring my family here and then let them alone . Besides , you don 't need me all the time . If something really bad was about to happen , then my powers would let me know with enough time to interfere and face whatever threat was there . For small problems is enough with the people you already have . Besides , Kimball will have to be early at work , every day , and I will be arriving with him and staying until late , my hours will be still the same . And if for some reason you need me , I can get there in just a few minutes . " " I thought you would be satisfied that I would be spending more time here . All is going to change is where I 'm sleeping . " I could feel that it was that what bothered him more . Despite the years I had spent in Faakhir 's service , he hadn 't forced me to have sex with him , yet . I could see his fantasies about me because of my powers , and that seemed to be enough for him . Knowing I was under his power was all the satisfaction he needed , for the moment , but by not being at the Palace I had changed the situation , he couldn 't go to my room and watch me sleep and the illusion that he could get me any moment was broken . He felt he was losing his power over me . " Your place is by my side , it always have been and will always be . " I felt Faakhir in my mind , the compulsion to get closer to him growing so strong I couldn 't pretend not to feel it , so I forced myself to follow it , so he wouldn 't find out that I knew what he was doing and was strong enough to stop him . I forced myself to stay still as he caressed my face . Before I could think about what I was doing , my mind was reaching to Kimball 's , crying for help . " Kimball , I just found out you were moving in and wanted to welcome you . " With the compulsion gone , I was able to move away without making him suspicious . " So welcome . I think I will be going back to the Palace now . Kaiserin , I hope you are not too tired with the moving , I have a new mission for you and you will be traveling again in no time , probably for a few days . " " I heard your voice , " Kimball said , " I heard you in my head and I knew you needed me . How did you do it ? No one is supposed to get into a mzansier 's mind . What happened ? " " He hadn 't tried to control me in a long time , but he was doing it now , he wanted to kiss me . He used his powers to plant a compulsion and it was very strong . I didn 't know how to stop him without letting him know how much I can resist him . I didn 't want him touching me , but I didn 't know how to stop him … " " I just need to find a way to avoid him , a new way of fooling him . It had been so long that it took me off guard , it won 't happen again . I just have to prepare a counter measure , some way of tricking him and avoid him getting inside my head . I can do that , I will have it under control . " " It 's worth a try . I really thought it was impossible and wasn 't even thinking of trying to do it , but if you really heard me , that means I reached out without thinking , it would be nice if we could replicate that on purpose . It would be a great way of communicating without anyone knowing about it , no one would even suspect that I could use telepathy on a mzansier . " I arrived at Aquarium feeling like I 'm too late . We finally managed to communicate our arrival , and Kimball is at the dock waiting for us , but I don 't even greet him , as soon as I 'm out of the submarine I start running , just signaling for Kimball to follow me . I expand my senses , looking for Ethan , and I find him in one of the common areas , but he is not alone , which means the fight most likely already started . I try to convince myself that I had the wrong date , that it was a different fight , that Ethan wasn 't about to make a mistake that could follow him the rest of his life . Mzansiers weren 't like Imperialists , for them killing was not a common thing , it was something you did in the most extreme circumstances , and a killing , even if accidental , would affect Ethan for the rest of his life . When I ran into the place , I saw one of Ethan 's attackers falling to the ground , but I knew that the hit wasn 't that bad , he would survive to see another day , it was the next attack that could change everything . When Ethan 's kick connected , I heard bones breaking , even after I had used my powers to cushion the hit , and to help ease Andile 's fall . Despite my efforts , and knowing that I had avoided Andile 's death , there was a lot of damage to his spine . The rest of the kids had stopped their fights and were watching the scene . " An accident , " I said , watching as Ethan noticed , for the first time , that we were there . " Ethan can 't control his strength yet , and that kick was a little bit stronger than he expected , he broke Andile 's spine . I 'm trying to keep his column intact using my powers , but it 's possible that the damage could get worse if I let go or we try to move him . " " A diamond can cut another diamond , " Kimball said , as he knelt beside the kid that was losing his mind , that started crying once he finally accepted the possibility of being paralyzed . " The fact that Ethan is not a mutant doesn 't change the fact that he is part of the family , and he is stronger than most people . Using his mind , he can close the gap in strength and be just as strong as any of you . " " I think that I can keep his spine in the right position , but I will need a better connection to be able to check him . " I moved closer and took the kid 's hand in mine . I could see the fear in his face , I knew that being a paralytic was a nightmare , especially for someone like him , a member of the royal family , with so many expectations over him . Once I had a better connection to his body I used my biokinesis to make sure his bones , nerves and muscle was in the right position , but I knew it wouldn 't be enough , what he needed was an experienced biokinetic or a doctor like Kimball to look at him . " Kimball , we need to take him to the infirmary . I did my best , but I 'm not sure if that is going to be enough , he needs an expert . I can move him there so you can check him . " " Ethan , come with us , " I told my son . I needed him with us , he needed to see that Andile was going to be ok , but also he needed to see the damage that he could cause . Ethan was surrounded by powerful people , it was easy for him not to see what he was capable of . If Andile had been a normal person , it would have been even worse . Using my mind , I moved Andile to the infirmary . As soon as we arrived , Kimball took him to one of the rooms and called his team to assist him in the operation . While he worked , I stayed with a very worried and scared Ethan . " I really didn 't want to hurt him , " Ethan said . " I just didn 't think I could hurt him , not even using all my strength . He is always saying he is so much stronger than me . " " You are my son , and Kimball 's son , you have a bigger potential than most people . If you want to , you can go very far , do things some people can only dream about . That 's why it is important for you to learn how to control your powers and your strength . Today you could have killed your cousin , and even if I know that that wasn 't your intention , it could have happened . When you feel threatened , your powers help you get stronger , and the stronger you are , the more damage you can do . You need to learn to control it , you need to train even more . " " With the proper care and rehabilitation he will be able to walk again , but it won 't be easy . And it could have been worse . If your mother hadn 't been there to help , it could have been worse . " " But people won 't know about this where he is going , " I told them . " Emily authorized me to take you with me to Capital City . You will be the new Mzansi representative and Ethan will have to attend school with the children of the other representatives . " " That we can discuss later , if necessary . For the moment I need some rest . Tomorrow we will need to decide Ethan 's punishment , and how to move forward . " " Punishment ? Ethan made a mistake , but it wasn 't on purpose . He was being attacked by two of his cousins , older warriors , both self proclaimed superior to him . What did you expect him to do ? Did you expect him to let them hurt him ? " " He should have been more responsible . For years we have trained him to fight , but I thought we had done a better job at teaching him when to use his knowledge and when to stop . He can 't go around hurting people , especially not his own family . " " They attacked him , " I insisted , remembering the vision . Even if I hadn 't been there , I knew that they intended to hurt him . Ethan had done what he needed to do , his error was in not knowing the right amount of strength to use against them . " It 's ok mother , " Ethan interrupted , " my father is right , I made a mistake . I let myself believe in their words and didn 't trust myself , I thought they could handle more than they really could . I shouldn 't have used all my force , I should have found a better way . If Andile is not able to walk again , it will be my fault . " I could feel Ethan 's fear and guilt . His empathy made him even more susceptible to other 's emotions , and I could only imagine what he should have felt if he could feel Andile 's fear . Because of that I didn 't think it necessary to punish him , he was going to punish himself enough without our help . What he needed was for us to tell him that everything was ok , and that his cousin would be just fine . He needed for us to explain what he had done wrong and how to avoid the same mistake from repeating in the future . He needed our support . Kimball was scared and worried , and once again he was letting his incredible intelligence on the side , acting on emotion and not reason . " We will talk tomorrow , " Kimball said . " I know that what happened was an accident , but it was one that could have been easily prevented . That 's what we will discuss tomorrow . Get some rest , if we are going to be moving to Capital City we have a lot of work ahead of us . " " Good night , " Ethan said , and I could feel his broken spirit . He was feeling awful for what had happened , and the guilt was eating at him . Using my powers I tried to help him relax . I agreed that we needed to discuss what had happened , but Kimball and Ethan were making it a bigger deal than it really was . " Shouldn 't we talk about what happened today ? I think you are being too hard on Ethan . Believe me when I say that he already feels awful about it , he doesn 't need you making him feel even worse . " " The damage he caused Andile was bigger than what I thought he was capable of . During all this time I thought I was doing the right thing by training him , but after what I saw today I 'm not so sure . He could have killed his own cousin . " I thought it best if I didn 't tell Kimball that in my vision he had killed him . " And he knows that . He knows what happened and what could have happened . He will be even more careful now . We can 't take him to Capital City and ask him not to fight back . I wouldn 't be fair to him . " " If Faakhir and Emily see him fighting , they will notice that your interest in him is bigger than you are letting know . You must have noticed by now , even if you can see some of my influence in his fighting style , some things , like his psychic wall are clearly copy of your techniques . " For a moment I let myself think about his words , and even if I didn 't like what Kimball was saying , I had to accept he was right . There was much to discuss and to decide , but I knew that it was best to let Kimball and Ethan get some rest , and then talk to them . I was aware that taking them to Capital City with me was a selfish move , but I needed them , even knowing that they were safer where they were . It was too late to change things , so all could do was move forward and take them with me . " Greeting Kaiserin . I 'm sorry , I didn 't notice what was about to happen until it was too late . I should have been more aware of what was going on inside Aquarium , instead of focusing on the outside . " " I 'm not so sure about it . Sometimes I feel like I have failed all of my children . My daughters are on the other side of the ocean , where I can 't do anything to protect them . Sometimes I feel trapped , not only by the situation with Faakhir , but by everything , my own decisions , my own paths . " " Kaiserin , you are a gift to our people . You are the answer to our prayers . You can 't doubt yourself . Give yourself some time and you will see that I 'm right . " It was weird going back to Aquarium , it was good to be back in a safe place , with my whole family , but I knew it wouldn 't last for long . I had too many things to do and my time was short . First , I had to go speak to Sofia , I needed to talk to her and go over our plans for the near future . Then , I needed to see William . I felt responsible for him after taking him out of the mansion and then taking off . I knew that I had done all I could to help him , but I needed to make sure he was safe and that he was recovering . After spending some quality time with Kimball and Ethan , I went searching for my guest . It was easy to find Sofia 's mind in a place like Aquarium , her mind , unlike the mzansiers ' minds , wasn 't blinded against me . It took me just a few minutes to find the place where she was , and a few more to get to her . I should have expected to find her in Aquarium 's gardens , it was the place where she could think and meditate , and she had a lot to think about . " That 's right . I have to say the experience was not what I was expecting , and I 'm happy to be back . " Sofía smiled at me , and I felt only good feelings coming out of her . I was relieved that she wasn 't mad at me for choking her where I was faking her death . " I need to thank you for helping William . I know it wasn 't part of your plans and I appreciate that you went to help him . " " I think that it won 't be the first nor the last time I will have to adapt my plans . This time it was easy , Emily is very unstable and it worked in my favor , she couldn 't wait to send me after William as soon as she learned that there was a chance he could survive . That and I think she wanted me out of the Palace , which is also in my favor . She supported me when I asked Faakhir for time to fix some problems in Mzansi . " " I know that , and Emily knows it too . I think I will use Emily to keep him away from me . It will be a hard few years . " " But if someone can deal with the problems you will be facing , it 's you . I trust you and I know you will be fine . I wouldn 't have asked for your help if I didn 't think you were up for the challenge . " " He will be fine , thanks to you . I knew that he wasn 't good , but I had no idea how bad he was . Emily lied to me about a lot of things . She kept him alive , as promised , but he wasn 't in a good situation . The few times I spoke to him , he told me everything was fine , he didn 't want me to worry about him . And I made the mistake of believing in him , I didn 't look into his past . I was focused on keeping him alive and didn 't pay enough attention to his well being . William was always serious about his role as protector , even if he was the youngest of my children , so having the lives of the people around him depending on his behavior was hard for him . He is still blaming himself for the death of the young man that tried to help him . " I don 't think that Williams sees things like that . I was on my way to see him by the way . Would you like to come with me ? I 'm sure he would be glad to have the chance of thanking you for your help . " I followed Sofia to William 's room . He looked even more fragile on the hospital bed . I knew it would take him a while to get to his optimum body weight , and even longer to get his spirit back , but at least he wasn 't alone anymore , his mother would be there to help him . Not being alone would help in his recovery . " This is Kaiserin , " Sofia introduced me , " she is the one I talked to you about . She is the one that went for you . " At first he didn 't say anything , he was looking around the room , I could see that something was holding him back , he was hesitating about something . " It 's ok , you can talk , Emily thinks you are dead , so her rules doesn 't apply anymore , she can 't hurt you . " His emotions changed drastically after those words , his emotions calmed down and he made a decision . William blushed , he didn 't think I would be able to hear him and he was ashamed . I could feel his inner struggle . I knew something was bothering him , and it wasn 't just my presence or the fact that he thought he had offended me . There was something wrong with him . The time under his sister 's control haven 't been kind to him . His physical abuse could be seen in his lack of weight and his sick parlor , but I knew that the worst injuries were those that couldn 't be seen easily . Whatever Emily had done to hurt his mind , it would take a long time to be fixed . " They are blinded by their ambition , they can 't see that the road they 're traveling won 't end well . Sooner or later the people under their rule will snap and rebel against them , and when that happens a lot of lives will be lost . What I 'm trying to do is find a way to stop them from the inside before things get a chance to escalate . For the moment they trust their power , they think everyone is under their control , but eventually they will learn that 's not true . " " They went after my family , they attacked me . For the moment they think that I 'm under their control , but they are wrong . Your sister and her husband made a grave mistake by fighting me . If they had left me alone , if their greed wasn 't so big , then I wouldn 't be here planning their end . But you don 't have to worry about it , you just focus on getting better . " " I 'm part of this . Emily and Faakhir took my brother and my freedom . When the time arrives , I want to be the one to judge them , as the King . I will take Emily 's place and show them how to be a real King . How a real leader worries about his people , not abuse them . How a real leader puts the needs of their people over his own . Emily and Faakhir will pay for everything they have done against our people and against us . " " When the time comes , you will be part of this , but for now , I 'm the one that has to be on the front lines . None of you can go to the Palace or talk to anyone , especially not any of the other rulers . You two are dead , and you have to remain dead until the right moment . If Emily finds out that I lied to her and that you are still alive , then our whole plan will crumble . " " Of course I can . I 'm sorry for this , but I need to remind you that this is my territory , this place is under my control , and no one goes in or out without my authorization , and you won 't be able to get out of Aquarium . I know this may seem like the same thing your sister did , like I 'm holding you prisoner , but what I 'm doing is what I think is best for everyone . By staying here you will help save a lot of people . " " I don 't want more people to die … " What William didn 't say was that he didn 't want more people dying because of him . I realized at that moment just how much guilt , he was carrying on his shoulders , guilt over things that were way out of his control . " When the time arrives you will help . For the moment we need you to heal and get your strength back . You need to prepare to be a King , because when the time arrives you will take over Emily and you will have to do a good job . You can 't repeat your sister 's mistakes . " " I know you won 't , but it 's not enough to have good intentions . To be a good ruler , especially in a place like the one your sister is going to leave for us , you need to be prepared . My job is to get the Dominion back , yours will be to be a good ruler . I left William and Sofia alone . After years of separation they needed time to be together . And I needed to be with my son . Despite everything I had done to him , he had no bad feeling for me , the incident with Faakhir was only a bad memory , even if I couldn 't stop blaming myself for my actions and the pain I had caused him . I knew that I had done what was best for him and myself , but that didn 't change the fact that I had hurt him , he had been in danger because of me , it was my hand that had hurt him . I couldn 't sleep that night , I knew that whatever happened that day would define the rest of my time in that place . I needed to make sure that no one had any reason to doubt my loyalty and my motivations . I took the cape , letting it envelope me and feeling Kimball with me despite the distance . I wondered how he was , how Ethan was . It might have been normal to be nervous , because , even if the possibility of failure was insignificant , it was still there , and I couldn 't afford to fail . I went up to the garden and walked to one of the corners , there I found Sofia , sitting on a bench , surrounded by flowers , under the shadow of the trees . I couldn 't see anyone else outside , but that didn 't mean that we weren 't being watched , so I didn 't try to greet her or show any sign of knowing her , I just walked past her and sat on the bench opposite hers . I noticed the bouquet of flowers in her hands , she kept re - arranging them until she found a combination that worked for her . " It 's good to see you face to face , after all the time we have shared in the fog . You know what it 's about to happen , right ? Your daughter sent me . " " That 's right , and that 's why you are here . Are you ready to do your part ? " Sofia was looking at me with confidence , without fear , and even if we both knew that we were playing a charade for her daughter 's benefit , the risks were there , and the consequences for failure were high . I expected fear and doubt , but got nothing . ' The only way I can keep going is by dying , ' she answered the same way . ' My daughter won 't stop until I 'm gone , and all I can do is grant her wish , at least for the moment . I know you have a way to help me with this . ' ' I do . Kimball gave me a drug that will make it look as if you 're dead . The effects last long enough for your funeral and burial to take place . Once it 's all done , a group of warriors that I fully trust , including Kimball , will take you out of the crypt and take you to a safe place . No one will be able to find you . ' ' It sounds perfect , but I need to ask for one more favor . As you know , my youngest son , William , is being held by my daughter . His only purpose is to keep me in line , and I 'm afraid that once I 'm gone , my daughter won 't have a reason to keep him alive . Can you save him ? ' ' My visions tell me that you will help me , that you will save my son and bring him to me . My visions tell me that during the next few months you will save a lot of lives . But as you know , there are many paths , and you can still choose a different path , you can refuse to help me , but as we both know , that 's not in your nature . ' " I 'm ready . I have been waiting for this moment for a long time . I 'm happy we finally meet , you are a good person Kaiserin , and I know we will be good friends . ' Sofia let the bouquet of flowers on the bench beside her and put her hands on her lap , she looked at me and smiled , looking regal and proud . There was no way you could mistake her for anything but a Queen . I got up from my seat and stood in front of Sofia , she didn 't move , she didn 't show fear , thinking I wouldn 't hurt her . The problem was that it was a show , and I had to make it believable or people would suspect . I had to kill her , those were my orders , and I needed to make it look like I was following them . Before she could say anything , before she could even react , I modified my cape to extend it like a rope , a rope that coiled around her neck . Her hands went to her neck , trying to take the rope off , while she tried to breathe . At the same time that I was choking her , I took the venom that Kimball had given me and using my powers , I injected it into her . I wasn 't sure if she even realized that I had injected her , she was too busy trying to breathe , but I knew the moment it started working . Once I made sure that her fear was real and that anyone who was looking at us wouldn 't suspect anything , I let the rope get a little loose , while continuing with the charade . After a few minutes I let her body fall to the bench . Other than the marks on her neck , it was almost as if she was sleeping . People looking at her would think that the former Queen was taking a nap under her favorite tree 's shadow . I stayed by her side for a couple of minutes , making sure that there was nothing that could betray her real state . I knew that even a doctor would have a hard time realizing she was not really dead , and every sign pointed to a murder . I finally decided to go back to the Palace . As soon as I got away from here , a young maid went to check on Sofia , her bloodcurling scream , by the pain I could hear I knew that she was someone that loved Sofia very much , and I knew that the news of Sofia 's death would spread fast . Using my powers I found the place where Emily was and went to her . She was having breakfast , the table before her full with all kinds of food . From the door or the room I saw how she only took a couple of bites from each plate , as if she was making sure that no one else could take any of them . I was sure that people from the kitchen would care about that , and would get advantage of all the food she didn 't take , it was just too much to throw away . My thoughts went to all the people I had seen the day before , hungry people , starving people , and I hated Emily a little more . All that opulence , all the food she was wasting while her people was dying was despicable . " It 's done ? " For a moment I wasn 't sure what to think , the wave of emotions getting out of Emily was too strong , and I was sure I could feel pain in it . " I didn 't think you were so efficient , maybe you will be a good asset after all . " " When I was leaving the gardens I heard a commotion , so I guess they already found her body . I did my part , your mother won 't bother you any more . " I remembered the morning , and I couldn 't help but smile at the memory of Sofia 's look of surprise when I was choking her . " While I was choking her , I could see her thoughts , she was thinking of one person . I didn 't know you had a brother . " " William ? Yes , I have a younger brother , but not for much longer . A few days ago I asked my people to lock him in the basement and leave the mansion where he was living . There 's no one there to help him out , he will die in a few days . " " Your mother had visions about that , and there 's two possible futures . In one your brother dies alone and forgotten , but in the other , someone goes back to help him and hides him from you . Your mother was comforted by the thought that he would survive . If you want me to , I can go and make sure he dies . " I was lying about the visions , Sofia didn 't say anything and I haven 't had a vision about him , but I needed to find the place where he was hidden and save him . I couldn 't let Sofia 's son to die like that . " Maybe it would be a good idea if you go take care of him , I can 't trust those idiots not to make a mistake and let William get a friend , I can 't let anyone save him , " I tried to read her emotions and her thoughts , and for a moment I felt like she was almost hoping that someone had saved him , but then her feelings and thoughts changed and I was sure she was afraid that he could survive and come back to claim the throne she considered hers . " Go to your room and prepare , " she ordered . " I will send you the information about the place where my brother is so you can take care of him . It 's better if we make sure there are no loose ends . I can 't allow anything to put my place as Queen at risk . " " As you wish , it will be my pleasure to get rid of him . I like the idea of taking Sofia 's last hope . " Emily smiled at my words , as if the idea of hurting her mother was something that brought her happiness . The woman was crazy , and I wondered how much it was just her , and how much it was Faakhir 's influence . I got out of the room , leaving Emily with her breakfast . I was feeling uncomfortable with her last words . Faakhir 's interest was obvious and I needed to find a way to stay away from him , I couldn 't let him take advantage of me . I arrived at my room and took the phone that Kimball have given me . After using my powers to make sure that there were no cameras or microphones in the room and making a psychic bubble that would stop all sound from getting out , I called Kimball . I needed to tell him what had happened , and I needed his help to rescue Sofia and William . " No one has any reason to suspect anything , everyone in the Palace knows that Emily wants Sofia dead , and if you played the charade right , then there is no reason to question her death . I have everything ready , from the blueprints I found a way to enter and exit the crypt without being noticed . No one will ever suspect that Sofia is not there . " " We have another problem . Sofia asked me to save her son , and Emily gave me the green light to go and kill him . I 'm not sure yet how to do it , but I will need help . I need to go for him as soon as possible , or he will be dead by the time I arrive . " " I don 't think it will be possible , my priority right now is getting to William . I think he is at risk at the moment . Is everything ready at Aquarium ? " " It is . I just got a message from them , our orders were received and they are preparing the place for Sofia 's arrival . As soon as I can get to them again , I will tell them about William . " I wasn 't planning on going to rescue William , so I needed to take a moment and plan . I wasn 't prepared for a new rescue mission so soon after dealing with Sofia . I had to adapt fast , and I was only starting , my new life would keep me on my toes . It was my third trip to the fog , I needed to make sense of my future and those trips were the only way . Despite making the decision of going to the Acuarium that Kimball was building and accepting keeping him in my life , I still found that some paths didn 't have his presence . I needed to know why , but the paths were many and it was hard to find what I was looking for . Besides , I could see a lot of paths that kept distracting me , trying to make me see further away in my future . I knew it was important , but I didn 't have the will or the time to go there . First , I needed to understand my own future , then I could see the others . " What are you looking for ? " Someone asked me . I knew that any number of Seers could be in the fog at any given moment , but I never thought that I would find someone there , the space was too big for company to be an issue . " Our time together is yet to come . It will be a while . If our paths cross before their time , it could be very bad for us . It 's better if our encounter stays here for now . It will be years before you are ready to face the future where we are together . " " Don 't you care about the best path for everyone ? You are an important piece for the future of many nations . The decisions you make could affect millions of people . " " And what about your son 's future ? What kind of world do you want to leave for him ? " She knew me , she knew how to grab my attention , but I wasn 't going to let her manipulate me . " Are you going to tell me what to do ? If you know me , you should know that I don 't follow orders anymore . I choose my own destiny . " " I 'm here as a guide . Let me know what you need and I will do my best to show you the way . I know it 's hard to find the right path , especially when you are alone . It 's easy to get lost here , easy to lose your goal . " " You are right , you don 't know me and have no reason to trust me . Why don 't we take a look at my past so you can understand me better ? Maybe if I show you where I 'm coming from , you will find that you can trust me . " " No , the path is too long and I still have a lot to do . The future is too confusing and I need to make sense of it . " I looked back , to the single path that showed my past , it was easy to travel because it was already set , but I didn 't have the time to go looking for Sofia 's path , I needed to focus on myself . " " The more lives are involved , the more decisions need to be taken , and the more elements you have to take in consideration , the more paths will open in front of you . But , there are places where paths cross , where no matter what decisions are taken , you have to experience them no matter what . Let me show you those crossroads , maybe that will help you reach a decision . " I knew that I shouldn 't trust her , but I was curious , it wasn 't as if she could fool me , the future couldn 't be manipulated , I understood enough about the paths to know which one were more probable and which ones were just possible . I followed Sofia , she showed me some key moments in the fight between the free nations and the conquering kings , she showed me some battles where the nations fought to be free of the king 's control just to be stopped , losing hundred or thousand of lives . Sofia was linked to most of those scenarios , and I knew it was because her hand had something to do with it happening . " It 's not something I want , it 's something I have to do . You are the only one capable of changing the future , only your influence can make my predictions crumble . You think I want you here so I can hurt you or fool you , but that 's not what I want . I need your help , but I want to help you too . " " The truth is that I 'm trapped , my daughter is forcing me to use my gift to help her . Maybe you think I 'm helping her kill my people because I want to , but the truth is , it could be worse . I 'm trying to do the best I can , I want to avoid a massacre , but it 's not easy , my daughter and his husband are too thirsty for power and they want the fights to happen . I 'm doing my best to get them to back off of Mzansi , but there 's nothing I can say to change their mind . Your power and your presence it 's making things more difficult for my daughter , but it will be a time when even Mzansi will fall . " " Is that what you are doing ? Are the lives that are being lost just a sacrifice for the greater good ? " I knew the terrible things Emily and Faakhir had done , the lives that had been lost in their search for power , and I knew that Sofia had allowed that to happen by staying out of it . " Believe it or not , it could be worse . Until now you have been the only element I can 't control . The victories you have had over my daughter 's army have put you on the top of the list , you are their greatest enemy . Until now I have been able to justify my errors with the excuse that you are also a Seeress , but that won 't keep them from trying to stop you . You have been able to stop them before , and if you do it one more time , I can give you some peace , a time for you to be free and enjoy your family , you certainly deserve that . " " So you don 't care if he dies ? " For a moment I wasn 't sure if she was speaking hypothetically or is she knew something . I pretended I didn 't care , but I couldn 't think of a future without Kimball without feeling sick . Despite everything I couldn 't let him go . " You knew about this . Do you know when it 's going to happen ? " I asked Sofia , I couldn 't pretend I didn 't care anymore . " This is my daughter 's last plan , her husband and her , found a way to stop your husband and his people . If this fails , they will have to listen to me when I say they won 't be able to stop you , but if they succeed , the fight that will start will take years to finish and will claim the life of half of Mzansi 's people and many of Republican 's lives . You are the only one who can stop this from happening , and I have the power to give you and your people a few years of peace . " I took my time studying the crossroad , I needed to understand what was happening . After that , I got back to the present , if everything went as planned I would have time to do more searching later . I got out of my trance and found out I was very tired , more than normal , I had no idea how much time I had been out , but I was very thirsty and starving . I got out of the room and headed for the kitchen , it was early and the cook was making breakfast . I had just been there a few minutes when Mbali arrived . " No , Kimball is gone , he went to a meeting yesterday , and should be there for a couple more days … " Mbali kept explaining , but I was no longer paying attention . If Kimball was gone , then the attack was coming sooner that I thought .

The driveway curled off the main road , ending in a tall wrought - iron gate with a speaker mounted on the stone pylon . The gate was currently open and the woman who had called said she should drive on up to the house . Ari let her car idle at the mouth of the drive , staring through the deceptively inviting façade to the house that lurked further along the path . Lots of green shrubbery , pretty flowers , absolutely nothing whatsoever to cause alarm . Just the fact it was a mansion , and Ari had been wary of mansions since the Gavin House . She 'd never trusted rich people but Katherine Gavin had turned that mild dislike into a distinct phobia . She looked down and saw that it was two minutes until the scheduled meeting . She took a breath to calm her nerves before she finally made the left turn and drove onto the property . She parked under the porte - cochere and stepped out , half - expecting a valet to trot up and take her keys . No one arrived , so she straightened her tie and walked up to the door . Ari had dressed for the part , at Dale 's insistence . A new shirt , a red tie that cost more than some of the outfits in her closet , and fitted slacks . Her hair was pulled back and braided , something Dale had done for her before she left the office , and she resisted the urge to check her breath before she rang the doorbell . Her shirt collar felt too firm around her neck and she reached up to adjust the knot of her tie . She nervously dropped her hand when the door opened . The woman who answered the door was a few inches taller than Ari , with strawberry blonde hair pulled back in a bun . She wore a charcoal gray suit over a white blouse that dipped to reveal just a hint of cleavage . Professional but flirtatious , a combination Ari which highly approved of . The woman wore a pair of horn - rim eyeglasses that magnified her green eyes very nicely . Ari managed a businesslike smile . Kathleen laughed . " I work for Mrs . Russo . Speaking of whom , she 's probably expecting us . We can catch up after your meeting with her . " Ari nodded and stepped inside , too stunned by Kathleen 's sudden appearance to do anything else . Her heart pounded , but she couldn 't quite figure out how she felt . Angry ? Hurt ? Terrified ? Overjoyed ? She decided it was a mixture of all those feelings and about a dozen more as Kathleen shut the door behind her and motioned for Ari to follow her . She glanced back , running her eyes up and down Ari 's outfit with a smile . " No . Actually , most people call me Ari now . " Ari couldn 't help but smile . " And I don 't know about landing on my feet … I thought I was doing all right , but you 're the one on Hunts Point . " " You got a point there . " They arrived at a door wide enough to drive a car through , the space transforming from hallway to a sitting room at the threshold . A white - haired woman was seated across the room at a desk , head bowed over something she was writing . She didn 't look up , but Ari had little doubt she knew they were there . Kathleen stopped just inside the room and clasped her hands behind her back . " Mrs . Russo ? The private investigator is here . Ariadne Willow , this is Edna Russo . " Kathleen dipped her head slightly . The motion was too small to be a bow , too brief to just be a nod . She turned , met Ari 's eye to give a reassuring wink and then left the room . Edna stood up and motioned for Ari to enter as she stepped around the corner of the desk . " I was pleased to hear you were available to take my case , Miss Willow . You 've become quite famous in the past few months . Although you 're hardly what I was expecting . None of the stories about you contained photographs . " " That is understandable . Please , have a seat . " She gestured at one of the wingback chairs on either side of the fireplace . She picked up a framed photograph off the desk and held it against herself like a shield as she took her seat across from Ari . She put the picture down in her lap , covering it with her fingers and staring at the back as if she could see the image through it . " I must say found your agency 's name a bit … distasteful . " " People go to private investigators for all kinds of jobs , Mrs . Russo . They might think a woman can 't handle the tougher cases , so they might overlook me . But a woman who names her agency Bitches Investigations has got to have a backbone . " " Indeed I did . " She examined her hands . " I wish to hire you to find something that was taken from me . When I say ' find , ' that is precisely what I mean . I don 't want you to steal it or retrieve it , I merely wish to know where it is and that it is being properly taken care of . Do you understand ? " Ari had let her mind run rampant , filling in the blanks for what Edna Russo had hired her to find . A child , a pet , a piece of jewelry … She didn 't expect what she saw when she finally looked at the picture . She stared for a long moment and then looked at Edna . She had tears in her eyes , so Ari knew it wasn 't a joke , but her mind still rebelled . At first it looked like it was an aerial photograph of a town , but she could see a wall in the background . The train tracks around the perimeter revealed the true nature of what she was looking at . Edna smiled and dipped her chin slightly . " Yes . It represents Merritt , the small town in Idaho where I was born and spent the first seven years of my life . My grandfather built the foundations , and my father continued adding onto it until the entire town filled the basement of our little home . When we moved here to a more stately residence , he made sure there was a room set aside for the town so we would always remember the place from whence we came . He wasn 't precious about it … it was a symbol , but it was also a toy . He allowed me to play with it whenever I wished . " When my father passed away , my mother sadly chose to sell the train set . As much as I adored it , she and my father were not … on good terms at the end . I think a part of her was afraid his ghost would haunt the trains if they remained in the house , so she got them out as quickly as possible . Any records she had of the sale were lost or thrown out years ago . The only thing I know for certain is that the buyer was local to Seattle , because the layout was delivered by truck rather than shipped . I know it isn 't much to go on , but I would be grateful if you could at least attempt to find them . " " Excellent . " Edna stood and walked back to her desk . She opened the top drawer and removed a ledger . " This contains a record of pieces my father purchased over the years . I added a map of Merritt so that you can see for yourself what the full train set would look like . As I said , I only want to know the set is being treated well . I want to see how it ended up after all these years . Whoever has it now owns it fair and square . I just want to know , Ms . Willow . " Edna nodded and handed over the ledger . " The check is in the book to cover your retainer and the first four days of your investigation . " She pressed a button on her desk and Kathleen reappeared in the doorway almost as if she had been conjured . " Would you mind showing our guest out , please ? " Ari nodded a farewell to Edna and then left the library . Kathleen fell into step beside her , both women maintaining stoic expressions until they reached the door when Ari ruined it by laughing . " I still can 't believe this is really happening . " " No . Hey . " She shrugged and shook her head . " I 'm not angry . You were too special to me , and I 've missed you too much to waste this being angry over one bad night . " An image of Dale flashed into Ari 's mind and she couldn 't resist smiling . " Yeah . And as of a few minutes ago , we 're both employed by your boss . " " I would , too . " She stared at Ari again and shook her head . " Ariadne Willow , private eye . Talk about life experiences I didn 't expect . So are you seeing anyone ? " " Well . You 're welcome . We can set up dinner for some night when neither of us is on the clock for Mrs . Russo . Can I call the same number I used to schedule this appointment ? " " Sure . " She started to extend her hand , but she turned it into a hug . Kathleen was surprised , but put her arms around Ari . " It 's really great to see you again , Kit Kat . " " You too , Ari . " She pulled back and rested her hands on Ari 's shoulders . " We 'll figure something out about dinner . I really want to see the woman Ariadne Willow grew up to date . " Ari laughed . " Believe me , she 's going to want to meet you , too . I 'm just not sure I want to be in the same room when you two start sharing stories . " Ari waited until she was back in the office before she loosened her tie . Dale was typing something into the computer and smiled without looking away from the screen . Ari walked around behind the desk and began to knead Dale 's shoulders . " Did you take the case ? " " No , that was all amazing . But the client has a sort of personal valet . She 's probably the person who called to set up the interview . " Ari grinned . " Don 't worry . It 's all ancient history . " She began to massage Dale 's shoulders . " It started when I was seventeen , after I 'd left home but before I met Eva and she took me in . I was living on the streets , basically doing what I could to get by . For a couple of months , I was living in this sort of … halfway house where a bunch of kids who couldn 't go home could be safe and off the streets . " The place was run by a former social worker named Leigh Brown . I had only been there for a few days when Kathleen arrived . I was still feeling like a guest in the house despite everyone 's best efforts to make me feel welcome . I was lying on the couch watching television with a couple of other kids when Leigh brought Kathleen in . I didn 't really pay attention to her then . She was just another lanky kid in a rock band T - shirt and torn jeans . I heard Leigh giving her the same routine I 'd gotten when I showed up . " I 'm only asking because I know how withdrawal can be , and I understand weaning yourself off . You get caught with contraband , you 're outta here . But if you let me know you need something I can help you . Now are you hooked on anything ? " I watched her go into the other room and then didn 't give her much thought after that until I went to bed . We had to share rooms , so I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed next to mine . I almost went back downstairs just to avoid talking to her , but she turned around and saw me so I didn 't have a choice but walk forward and introduce myself . I sat on the bed across from her , our knees almost touching . " It 's a good place . Leigh is great , and everyone is here because we want to be safe so you don 't have to worry about being robbed or anything like that . " I didn 't feel like arguing , so I just shrugged and got into bed . She got up and turned off the lamp between our beds . " You don 't have to do that . I can sleep with the lights on . " I decided I could get angry or just go with it . I needed a friend , so I went with it . It became a thing between us . She would call me Ari , I 'd ' get back at her ' with Kit Kat , but it was all in good fun . Since our beds were right next to each other , we would usually get up and go to bed at the same time . So it just made sense to have breakfast and dinner together , and we hung out in the media room . Eventually I was hanging out with her because I wanted to , not because it was convenient . I started inviting her out on the town . " No . I was a virgin and I hadn 't really accepted the fact I was gay . I made myself look at boys even when I got more breathless looking at girls . I just thought I 'd made a friend . " She moved her hands so that her thumbs met at the nape of Dale 's neck , pressing together under her short red hair and massaging in twin circles . Dale murmured and lowered her head . The day was overcast , making afternoon look like dusk as Ari continued her massage , Dale 's hands resting on the arms of her chair . Ari whimpered and closed her eyes . " That 's what I was afraid of . Come on . We got a check , so I 'll buy you a late lunch . " Ari explained what Edna Russo needed as they walked . Dale moved close to Ari , threading her arm around Ari 's and linking their fingers together . When Ari was done with the story , Dale said , " I love those old train sets . My granddad used to have a little one in his den . " She pressed tighter against Ari 's side . " So how are you going to start looking ? " " There are lots of model train shops downtown . I 'm drove past a couple of them on my way back to the office . I 'll go around after lunch to see if anyone is adding to Merritt , Idaho . " Ari rolled her eyes and guided Dale into a sandwich shop . They ordered and went to a table next to the window . When they were settled , Ari said , " What do you want to know ? " There were five or six other people living in the house with us at all times , but Kathleen and I didn 't care about them . As far as we were concerned , we were a household of two . Well , three if you counted Leigh . Part of the deal for staying in the house rent - free was doing chores so Kathleen and I found chores we could do together . We cooked dinner for everyone , we did the dishes . She washed , I dried . Everyone else begged off grocery shopping , but we begged to do it . As long as we were together , we were happy . We got jobs at a little taco place and we spent most of our shifts just goofing off with each other . When we got off it was so late we would be alone on the streets . One night when we passed the park , I bragged that I could always go higher on the swings than any of my friends , and she said that was before I got old and " heavy . " I couldn 't let that stand , so I challenged her . We went out and swung for a while trying to beat each other , but eventually we just hung there letting our feet scrape the dirt . " God , it would have to be really bad for that to happen . I 'd go crazy without you , Kit Kat . Whatever it is , I 'm sure I can get past it . What did you do ? Steal money out of my wallet ? " " Kathleen ? Are you … God , it 's okay . " I got out of my swing and knelt in front of her . There was a streetlight about twenty yards away , so everything was blue and shadows . " Whatever it is , I 'm not going anywhere , okay ? So even if it 's bad , we 'll just get through it together , all right ? Just tell me . " " No . " She took my hand and turned it around , pressing the palm to her cheek so I could feel how hot it was . It was wet from her crying . " I 'm gay . And I like you . I have a crush on you . You don 't have to worry about it , and you don 't have to do anything . I 'll get over it , but I thought that you should know how I feel . Just in case I start avoiding you for a while , or - or I say I don 't want to hang out . It 's just because it 's hard , not because I 'm mad at you or anything . " " Don 't ! It 's not … you 're not doing anything . " She sniffled and lowered her head . " You 're just being you . And I 'm hormonal and … crazy . " She was hurting , and I didn 't know what to say to make her feel better . I 'd never been with anybody , mainly because there was no one I trusted enough to take that step . But I loved Kathleen more than I 'd ever loved anybody to that point . I mean , my mother was … I didn 't really have experience with truly liking someone . So I sat up and pressed my hand against her cheek to push her head back , and she said my name right before our lips touched . It wasn 't my first kiss , but it might as well have been . It felt like something completely new . She made a noise and tilted her head back , and her tongue came out and brushed my top lip and I let it into my mouth . And we sat there , her in the swing and me kneeling in front of her , and we just let it take over . When we finally pulled away from each other , her cheek was burning hot under my palm . " Oh , I liked it . I liked it a lot . " To prove it I kissed her again . I stood up and held out my hand . She took it and I pulled her out of the swing . We walked home , bumping arms now and then to prove we were still on familiar ground . We brushed our teeth , changed into our pajamas , and went to bed and said goodnight to each other over the nightstand like we always did . The only difference was that I felt giddy and elated . " Nothing ? " Dale was smiling , elbows resting on the table and shoulders hunched . Their food was done , but they were still taking up the table as Ari told her story . " I just like hearing about you being all young and figuring out who you are . So what happened next ? " Nothing changed as far as everyone else was concerned . And for me , it was just a minor adjustment . Kissing was just something else we could do together . And we did a lot of it . As much as we could without getting caught . Leigh almost caught us once or twice , but I don 't think she would have done much about it even if we 'd told her what was going on . We would hold hands when we watched movies , but we 'd always been close so no one paid much attention . And then one day Kathleen told me she 'd saved enough of her paychecks to take me out on a real date if I wanted . I 'd never had a real date , but this was Kathleen . No pressure . I dressed nice , and I got my hair done , and I felt like real hot shit when we rolled out of the driveway in Leigh 's old beat - up station wagon . We went to dinner at Ray 's , then we saw a movie . We went for a walk in the park , and she told me that she had another surprise . " We can go home now , but … I thought that maybe it would be nice to be alone for a change . So I - I got a hotel room . It has two beds , so it would be like home . " She added that quickly , breathing heavily as if she 'd been practicing it through the whole movie . Maybe she had been . " But it would just be you and me . " We went to the hotel and I took the opportunity to shower for as long as I wanted . No worries about camping out in the bathroom or running out the hot water . When I was done I put on one of the hotel 's big fluffy robes and went out to find Kathleen sitting on one of the beds . She was fiddling with the remote control , skimming through the movies , so I sat down and scooted up to the headboard . I patted the mattress next to me and told her to slide on up , and I took the remote from her and took over searching . I scrolled down and saw the listing for adult movies . I glanced at her , and she blushed up to her roots . I bit my lip and clicked on it . " Wow . They weren 't offering these movies at the theater . " The names were hilarious , but I can 't remember any of them anymore . Kathleen finally got over her embarrassment by laughing at them with me . I was incredibly aware of how close she was to me . I was out of breath and flustered , so I finally asked her if she wanted me to buy one . I didn 't know what to do with my hands . My face was burning up as I watched , refusing to look at Kathleen because I knew she was probably staring at me . I don 't remember anything at all about the movie except there were a lot of naked women moving rhythmically on the screen . It was like being hypnotized as all the air was sucked out of the room . At some point I moved my hand down and I found Kathleen 's , and I held it as we watched . I picked up the remote and the screen went black . She pushed away from the headboard , folded her legs in front of her , and framed her face with both hands so I couldn 't see her . I rearranged myself so that I was sitting on my feet and I put my hand on her back . " No , it wasn 't . I 've never had anyone treat me like this , Kathleen . I 've never felt so … hey , will you look at me ? " She sniffled and shook her head . I kissed her hair and I whispered , " Please , Kathleen . " " Who 's teasing ? Kit Kat . " I made her sit up and look at me . " We 're in a hotel room . I 'm wearing my underwear and a robe , and I 'm kissing your face , and I 'm not saying stop . I 'm saying … I 'm saying we don 't have to stop . I 'm just asking to go a little slow . " I nodded and we kissed . She turned to face me and then got on her knees , and I started trembling as I stroked her arms through her thin nightshirt . She pulled away , leaving my lips parted and my face flushed as she kissed my jaw and then my neck . " Tell me if you get uncomfortable , Ari … " " Yeah . " I exhaled and closed my eyes , tilted at what felt like forty - five degrees as she moved her lips down my neck . She pushed down the collar of my fluffy robe and then ran her tongue back up . My toes curled and I put my hand on the back of her head , and she went up and down my neck for … I don 't know . Three weeks ? By the time she started sucking on my earlobe , I had no resistance left . I let her put me down on the mattress and then she undid the belt of my robe . Dale seemed to shrink as she looked around the shop to see if anyone had noticed . She scooped an ice cube out of her cup and ran it over her neck , letting the water trickle down to darken the collar of her undershirt . " Whoo . I guess I got a little into it . I was picturing it and , uh … whoo . Well . I can 't wait to see what this girl looks like . " " Yeah , yeah . I have a type . Come on . " She pushed back her chair and Dale followed her out of the shop . They walked back to the office in companionable silence . When they were back in the privacy of the office , Dale guided Ari into the other office to put an extra door between them and the public . " Okay . I don 't expect you to tell me every minute detail of your first time with another woman . You don 't want to tell it , and I don 't want to hear it . But give me something . Just one thing about your night in the hotel room . " The lights were off , but I 'd left the bathroom light on . We were lying on top of the blankets , naked and holding each other , occasionally chuckling and sometimes kissing just because we weren 't touching quite enough . Kathleen looked manic , drugged or something , and she kept touching my face and stroking my hair . My smile faded . It was the first time anyone had ever said that to me and made me believe they meant it . I touched her face and realized I felt the same , and I told her . " I love you too , Kit Kat . " " Then we made love again , we fell asleep , and the next morning we got dressed and went back to real life . " She kissed Dale 's shoulder through her shirt . " Every now and then she would sneak into my bed after everyone else was asleep , or I 'd slip into hers , and we found little ways to be together without anyone else finding out . " " No . " She stared at the floor as if scenes from her past were projected there . " When we were running around together , we were keeping a secret from everyone else in the house . But I was keeping another secret . " Ari nodded slowly . " I hated that part of myself . So I kept it hidden . I could go a week without changing but then I would get twitchy and anxious … it hurt . You know what it 's like when I hold myself back . " Dale nodded . " So I would sneak out and change . I 'd run through parks and alleys just to stretch my muscles , then I 'd go back to normal . " She took a deep breath and rested her cheek against Dale 's shoulder . " Keeping one secret in a house full of people is hard enough . Keeping two … one was bound to come out . I thought it was like Kathleen telling me she was gay . But I just … couldn 't bring myself to say the words . At least everyone knows lesbians really exist . How do you tell your girlfriend you 're a werewolf ? " " It just hit me one night . I don 't know why , maybe I 'd been keeping it cooped up too much or it was just sick of letting me call the shots . One night when we were washing the dinner dishes , I just started having cramps . Those all - over , full - body convulsions . I tried to run away , but Kathleen wouldn 't leave me alone . I ran out into the backyard … " " Just go away , Kathleen ! " I clutched my stomach , trying to take another step . My knees buckled and I went down , hugging myself as I sagged forward . Kathleen knelt next to me , her hand on my shoulder , frantic and desperate to help . Kathleen got on her knees next to me and put her arms around my head in an awkward hug . " Oh , Ariadne . What is it ? Why didn 't you tell me ? What did you take ? What are you on ? " " Nothing … nothing … I 'm not sick . I 'm … " My voice turned into a howl of pain as my shoulders popped and broke . I was sobbing , and Kathleen shouted as the shape of my body changed under my T - shirt . She put her hand on my shoulder , which was now poking out of the back of my shirt . Where it should have been flatly curved it was now pointed and round . She recoiled and fell back on her ass and watched as my body shifted . Transforming is awkward in the best circumstances , but under clothing was a whole different story . I ripped my jeans , and I clawed at the dirt as my fingers turned into claws . My face felt like it was being punched from the inside , a ghostly fist pounding the inner curve of my skull to turn it into a cone . And then , finally and blessedly , I was on all fours . My tattered clothes were wrapped around my body like a spider web . I lifted my head and saw Kathleen staring at me with horror and confusion , but the wolf didn 't care . It snorted and turned its back on her , launching over the rosebushes at the edge of the lawn and racing down the street . They were sitting together on the couch . Dale had slipped off Ari 's lap to hug her properly , resting her head on Ari 's shoulder . " You don 't have to tell me what happened next . I think I can figure it out . " After I changed back , I found some clothes in one of those charity bins . I ran the entire way back to the house in these rubber boots , not caring about what an idiot I looked like . Leigh thought I 'd lost my mind , barging into her house dressed like a clown and demanding to know where Kathleen was . She 'd left the house without telling anybody where she was going . A part of me hoped that maybe she was looking for me , trying to find me and tell me everything was going to be okay . I almost changed back into the wolf to try tracking her , but I didn 't have to . I went back to the park where we kissed for the first time and there she was , on the swings . She looked up when she heard me coming and she … tensed . She cringed away from me , and I 'll never forget that . The look of horror on her face when she saw me . To have someone you love look at you like you 're a monster is … awful . I shook my head . I think that 's when I started crying . " I 'm a canidae . I told you my mother did something awful to me , that it was why I left home . That was it . She made me into this to make me more like her . Nothing has changed . " " But you 're a werewolf . " Her voice was shrill , almost manic , and she covered her face with her hands . " I watched you change into a monster right in front of me . " " That … u - usually I can control it , but I 've been holding back . I didn 't want … I don 't want to be the wolf . I have to be . I have to change , but usually I can control it . I don 't want to be the wolf . I - " I realized I was repeating myself and bit my bottom lip . " Nothing 's changed , " I said again . " I 'm still the person you love . " I panicked . Had I blacked out after the transformation ? Oh , God , had I just killed the first person I 'd ever been in love with ? " What ? When ? " Relief flooded through me . " No . No , you 're not . That was … that doesn 't count . You 'll be fine . I would never hurt you . " Eventually I followed her home . She was in the living room , surrounded by some of the other kids that were staying there with us . She didn 't look at me as I went upstairs and gathered my things . Everything that fit in my bag , I took with me . Everything else I just left . I took one of Kathleen 's unwashed shirts and left the house through the back door . I never went back . " No . It was wonderful . I was in love with her , Dale , and it was the most amazing thing I 'd felt in my entire life up to that point . I can 't throw all that away just because she had the expected reaction to finding out her girlfriend is a werewolf . And if anyone should be angry , it 's her . Maybe she could have accepted it and things would have gone back to normal , or maybe we could have gone back to just being friends , but I didn 't give her an opportunity . I just turned tail and ran . " " The street . " She shrugged . " It wasn 't long after that when Eva found me and I went to live with her . And from there , you know the rest . Living as Eva 's pet - slash - girlfriend , then working with Glory , then … you . " She took Dale 's hand and brought it to her lips . " So you see , I can 't be mad about anything that happened . It put me on the road to meeting you . " Dale shrugged . " Kathleen was a redhead you were best friends with , who you eventually started sleeping with , and then when you broke up everything fell apart . History repeats , Ari . Now you 're dating a redhead you started out just being friends with . And if we break up - " " Hey . " Ari cupped Dale 's cheek . " Kathleen and I broke up because she couldn 't handle my secret . You know all my secrets , and you love me despite them . You love me warts and all . " Ari shrugged . " I 'm also not a seventeen - year - old kid anymore . What you and I have isn 't a teenage fling , Dale . It 's something worth working for , fighting for . Whatever secrets you have , they won 't outweigh how I feel about you . " Dale closed her eyes and leaned forward to brush her cheek against Ari 's . " I love you , too , Ariadne . " Ari put her arms around Dale and held her . Dale chuckled . " Technically , you were the wolf when we met . Then you were a naked woman in my bed . What is there to run away from , I say ? " " Good . " She kissed Ari and then squeezed her arm . " You should probably get to work . We 've spent way too much time reminiscing and not enough time on model trains . " Ari reluctantly agreed , and they parted . Ari went to her desk and Dale went out to hers , leaving the door between them open as always . Ari had put the information from Edna Russo on the desk before leaving for lunch so she examined the facts . The train set had been sold fifteen years earlier . The ledger contained photographs of the layout from multiple angles , giving her an idea of what it looked like as well as the thing 's scope . There were sections where the train tracks extended out to create an open space where people could stand between it and the town . Ari was amazed at the amount of detail that had gone into it . Tiny people , little cars , winding streets . She considered the photos for a moment and then turned to her computer . She Googled Merritt , Idaho , and found a website run by the city 's Chamber of Commerce . It was mostly links to city utilities like the library , the police and fire departments , City Hall , local parks , and so on . It contained dozens of pictures , but most of them were of people or specific buildings , some of which she could identify from Edna Russo 's photographs of the train set . She clicked on " History Of Our Town " and scrolled down . In 2004 , the city had built a new fire department on the north side of town . The library moved from its former location to a new , larger building near City Hall . Ari found a phone number for a city planner and dialed it . He thought for a moment . " Hm . That 's definitely an odd question . But don 't worry , we like odd here . It 's better than boring . " The bell over the door jingled as Ari pushed through it . It was the second day of the investigation , and so far she had visited eight model train shops . The man behind the counter was a dwarf , perched on a stool as he leaned onto the counter to examine something in a catalogue with a jeweler 's loupe . He held up a finger as she crossed the room to him , and she waited patiently until he was finished . " Sorry about that . " He put the eyepiece away and closed the catalogue , smiling at her . " Welcome to my shop . I 'm Nathan . How can I help you ? " " My name is Ari Willow , and I 'm trying to locate something for a client . It 's a very ornate model train layout . Your ad says that you do custom pieces ? " " I understand . But hopefully you can just look at a few photographs and tell me if you 've been commissioned to make any of them . Then you can get in contact with the person who asked for them and see if they 're willing to meet up with me . " Ari put the printed pictures down in a row on the glass counter . Nathan leaned forward to examine them , scanning one before he moved to the next . Ari waited patiently , hoping that the day wouldn 't be a complete waste of time . She imagined that anyone who would buy such an elaborate model would take the care to ensure it remained accurate . Merritt hadn 't changed drastically in the past fifteen years , but there were eight buildings that any true - to - life model would be incomplete without . " No , not at all . My client is the granddaughter of the person who started the model . She just wants to be sure whoever has it now is treating it with respect . " " And the new fire department … " He shuffled the pictures . " You don 't have any pictures of restaurant row . It 's on the outskirts of town , started popping up a few years ago . " He rubbed the stubble on his cheek . " Yeah . I made these for someone . " " That 's fantastic . " Ari took out a card and put it down on the counter . " If you could call the customer and explain what 's going on , I 'd be much obliged . This is my number . You can have them call me - " " No need for that , " he said . " I 'll call right now . If he agrees , I can put you on the phone with him immediately . " " Don 't thank me yet . He hasn 't agreed to meet . " Nathan moved down to a computer and typed something . The monitor was angled away from her , but Ari still made a point to turn her back . He was being cooperative and she didn 't want him to think she was snooping . He retrieved the number and dialed his cell phone . " Hi , this is Nathan down at the Whistle Stop Model Shop . Yes , I 'm fine . I have a woman here , a private investigator , who is looking into your model of Merritt . She says her client is the original owner 's granddaughter . No , nothing like that . She says she just wants to make sure it 's being treated well . " He paused and then said , " Sorry , what was your name again ? " Colin Lowry came out of his house when Ari pulled into the driveway , already extending his hand as she got out of the car . He was barefoot but otherwise dressed for work in a sweater vest and khakis . He was in his mid - forties , his graying brown hair cut short . He had a strong jaw and a broad nose , but his eyes were small and hidden behind round eyeglasses . Ari took his hand and shook . " Miss Willow ? " He took a small black box from his pocket and aimed it at the garage door . It started to rise and he motioned for her to follow him . " The town is in here . I don 't like calling it a model , because so much care went into its creation . It really is a work of art . " He led Ari into the garage , but to her surprise it was empty . He noticed her looking around and smiled . " Ah , no . I keep it in the house . Far too many temperature fluctuations and danger of animals getting in for me to feel safe keeping it in the garage . " He led Ari through a laundry room . Ari noticed that the television and a couch were in the dining room instead of the expected table and chairs , but she didn 't think anything about it until they entered the living room . She stopped on the threshold and stared . Merritt , Idaho , filled the living room , leaving only a narrow aisle on all sides so people could get around it . The model was so detailed that Ari felt as if she 'd been transported miles into the air and was staring down at a real city . There were lights mounted on the wall which were operated by a set of switches near the dining room door . Colin smiled as he watched her stare , then tapped her elbow and motioned for her to duck under the tracks and stand in the half - moon space on the south end of town . " Isn 't it ? I can 't take credit for it all . Ninety percent of this was done when I bought it , I just kept it up to date . Nathan is a genius . " Ari nodded . " I want you to know I 'm not looking to take this away from you . My client just wants to know it 's being taken care of . I don 't … think … she has to worry about that . " Ari turned back to the model and tried to find a place to start . It was like trying to take photos of an actual town ; there were just too many things vying for her attention at once . Finally she decided to focus on how the model was presented and took pictures of the lighting setup . Colin helped her , pointing out the new buildings and suggesting angles she could use to get the most accurate portrayal . " Why did you buy this ? It was sold out of spite , but it can 't have been cheap . And you 're sacrificing a big part of your house just to display it . What 's so special about Merritt , Idaho ? " He smiled . " My mother was from Merritt . " He moved along the side of the model and pointed to a neighborhood . " She grew up in that house right there . We used to go back there every summer when I was a kid . Merritt sort of became my perfect place . I have to stay in Seattle because of work , but whenever I feel stressed or I need to clear my head , I can just come in here and take a walk through Merritt . " " Oh . What am I thinking ? " He moved toward the front hallway to the train controls . " You came all this way to see the model , you should at least get to see it in action . " He pressed a button and the train began to chug along the tracks . Ari found herself grinning like a kid as the train moved past her , turning to watch as it progressed around the outskirts of the special little town . It climbed a small rise then curled around a stand of trees . The tracks ran through a tunnel cut into the side of a mountain , disappearing for a moment before breaking through the other side . " Fair enough . The person who hired you , the granddaughter of the guy who made this . Why did she send you ? I mean , why didn 't she just ask to come see it herself ? " " Oh . That 's a shame . I 've always wondered about the people who gave this up . " He watched as the train passed in front of him . " Tell her that if the pictures aren 't enough to set her mind at ease , she 's more than welcome to come visit whenever she wants . " " I 'm sure she 'll appreciate that . I 'll extend the offer to her . " She turned and held the camera up , looking for something else to photograph . " I think I 've got enough to assure her the set is in good hands . " Kathleen answered the door with a smile . Today she wore a white dress shirt with a black tie , a black pencil skirt , and high heels . Ari pursed her lips and shook her hand as if she 'd touched something hot . " You 've still got it , Kit Kat . " " Good to know . Come on in . Mrs . Russo is waiting . " Ari entered and let Kathleen lead her back to the study . " Is everything going okay with the case ? " " Yeah . Sorry about that . It took some time to get the pictures printed . Something wrong with my computer , I think . " She held up the manila envelope she was carrying . " Good to know . " She winked and gestured for Kathleen to continue to the study . Edna took the seat by the fireplace and Ari sat across from her again . She explained how she had tracked down the layout and Colin Lowry 's generous offer to let her visit . She handed over the pictures and Edna went through them carefully , taking the time to examine each one before moving to the next . As she looked them over , Ari turned to see Kathleen standing in the doorway . Fourteen years had been extremely kind to her . A lovely teenager had turned into a beautiful adult . She was smiling at her employer 's obvious happiness , but turned her head when she realized Ari was watching her . She smiled wider and mouthed , " Thank you . " " Yes . He was a very nice man , and he had a genuine appreciation for the train set . If it has to be with someone , you 're fortunate it 's with him . I have the address if you want it . " Edna straightened the pictures on her lap and then placed her hands on top of them . " Thank you , Miss Willow . I originally paid you for four days , but I 'd like to provide a bonus for your expedient work . I 'll send a check to your associate . " " No , Miss Willow , thank you . " She looked at the pictures again and smiled sadly . " If you ladies would excuse me , I 'm feeling a bit overwhelmed . " Ari nodded . " Of course . I 'm glad I could help . " She stood and shook Edna 's hand , then let Kathleen escort her back to the front door . " It 's in the past . You were right to freak out . I was wrong to just leave . If I 'd stayed , who knows what might have happened ? The blame is on me , not you . " She squeezed Kathleen 's hand . " Were you okay ? " " Yeah . Some of the other kids in the house got me through the whole mess . I never actually told them the whole story about who you are or what happened between us . They just knew that you were gone and we weren 't friends anymore . Leigh said she 'd known about us since the night in the hotel , but I think she was just covering . " She smiled sadly . " I worried about you . Looked for you , for a while , but … eventually I decided you must have moved on . " Kathleen laughed . " I got a lucky break . She wanted someone who was live - in , who could be on call for crazy hours , and I needed a place to live . Being here gives me a sense of fulfillment . I 'm doing something for someone else . " " Listen , that dinner I mentioned . I don 't know when we 're going to go look at the train but Mrs . Russo generally likes to be in bed by eight . If you and your girlfriend are free tonight , we could just do it then . " " You always were a masochist . " She led Ari outside and stopped by her car . " When Mrs . Russo decided to hire a private investigator , she said she wanted to hire the best . I don 't know what made her decide on you , but she definitely got what she was looking for . I 'll keep your card on file in case we ever require your services again . " Dale was wearing a sleeveless dress , resting against the bedroom door . " Well , if you dress nice , you 're dressing nice for your ex - girlfriend . But if you dress like a slob , your ex - girlfriend thinks you 're not doing well . " " It should . You bought it for me . " She turned to face Dale . " I 'm not dressing up for her . I 'm dressing up for you . How do I look ? " " Perfect . " Dale entered the room and adjusted the collar of the blouse . She slid her hands up to Ari 's neck and tilted her head to the left as Ari kissed her . Ari rested her hands on Dale 's waist , swaying with her as the kiss deepened . Dale spoke without breaking the kiss . " What time were we supposed to be at the restaurant ? " Ari shrugged and lowered Dale onto the mattress . " So we 'll be a little late . The ' ex ' in her title means she can wait . "

Hey You all , A friend of mine named Dot has asked me to tell her about what I went through with my by - pass surgery almost four years ago , so here goes . She is going to be having the same surgery in a couple of weeks . Please pray for her to have easy surgery and a rapid recovery . My surgery was performed the day after Labor Day in 2004 . The doctor did 3 bypasses and put in a temporary pacemaker . Three days later I went back to surgery and they put in a permanent pacemaker . They did not allow me to feel any pain during that time , and gave me some kind of pain pills . Also some time in the day or the day following my surgery , according to my daughter , Teresa , who was by my side at the time , said that I just stuck out my arm and said , " Morphine , I want Morphine " . ha . ( I am not any kind of drug addict , by the way ) One cannot be held responsible for what one says when he or she is " out of it " . ( BTW , I had my surgery the day after President Clinton had his surgery - only different hospitals , ha ha . He had just been on the South Beach Diet , too , as I had ) Within a few days following the surgery they had me on my feet and walking around some . Now the circumstances following my surgery were somewhat unusual . Four days following it , Hurricane Ivan hit the Florida Coast and I was there in the hospital at Pensacola . They had boarded up the windows on our side of the hospital in preparation for the hurricane , the hurricane hit on Wednesday night , I was talking to Allie back here in Tennessee and telling her how exciting it was . I got up to walk down to the end of the hall to see if I could see it blowing , but it was too dark outside . Then the lights went out all over the hospital just after I had gotten back to my room . That meant no air conditioning either . OOPS I am getting off track with how I felt physically . I wss actually feeling pretty good , except for being sore in my chest where it had been cracked open , and I was having to sleep on my back ( almost impossible ) but they gave me Ambien to sleep and I did sleep but didn 't likPosted by Hey you all , Just wanted you to see the really great extra parking place that has been created for me to back up from my carport so that I don 't have to back into the road that goes by our home . Our friends and landlords , Mark and Allie , have seen to the creation of the extra space as well as providing gravel for our driveway . They really are taking great care of " Mama Ruby " and " Daddy Dub " . The picture is of Mark ( Right ) and his helper , Carl . Of course , they stopped work for a minute for me to snap the picture . I also snapped a picture of a hummingbird at the feeder . It is hovering in front of the feeder on the left . Click your mouse on the picture and it will enlarge so that you can see the hummer . Mark enjoys sitting and having a cup of coffee mid morning and watching the hummingbirds with us . Dub and I went into Jefferson City this afternoon and exchanged a utility cart that has to be assembled . I bought it at Walmart on Monday and intended to put it together Monday evening , and opened it only to discover that one of the shelves ( pressed wood of course ) was broken on the corner . Top quality stuff , you know . ha ha . Anyway , naturally , I couldn 't put it together until now . I guess I may put it together late this evening . Or I may do it in the morning while I am up by myself , waiting for Dub to get up . He wasn 't up today until around noon time . I also bought some ( human ) joint repair called glucosamine and chondroitin . Does it work ? I certainly hope so . If anyone out there who reads this can give me any information on how it has helped them , please let me know . I also bought some white knee high hose for helping those who have had heart surgery . Won 't they look great with my walking shorts ? Spent some time relaxing playing computer games . I admit it . I am a computer game junkie . Severely addicted . Dub and I had a great deal of enjoyment sitting on our front porch today after we got back from Jefferson City . He helped me water my flowers also . Well , that is about it for today . Just kind of chatting with you today . GPosted by Hidy , Do , Well , this morning we got up and got ready to go into Knoxville . We got to my brother , Hugh 's , house and switched cars ( my car is a little Yaris and difficult for Hugh to get into ) with Hugh and drove his Camry as I usually do when we go somewhere together . We picked up my sister - in - law , Mae , and proceeded to the Cracker Barrel nearest our house and had a really great breakfast . Then the five of us headed out our way to my home , where we chose to sit on the front porch and watch the hummers for a while . We sat and talked on for some time , then I took my sister - in - law , Mae , through the house , since she hadn 't seen it since I had moved in . She was very complimentary , ( of course ) as we walked through . It is always fun to share one 's home with family and friends . A few minutes later , Mae , Imazo and I got into the car and we went to Hobby Lobby in Morristown to see what goodies we could find . We all found some good stuff ; I found some material for a new quilt , and some garland for decorating my picture window at Christmas . Too early , you say ? Not so ! It is never too early to think of what to do to decorate for Christmas . We came back and had sandwiches , rootbeer and fresh apples . Yum . I had some fresh tomatoes from our little tomato patch out back that we used on our meat and cheese sandwiches . I took Mae and Imazo back to my little workroom where I keep my computer and showed them some of the blogs , especially those of Dan and Whit and their adoption journey . They really loved it . I am posting a picture of the four of them at the lunch table in our kitchen . Hope you like it . There is nothing like family get togethers , is there ? After a while , we decided it was time for the journey back to Knoxville , so the three of them got into Hugh 's car , and I drove them back to Knoxville where we stopped at a grocery store for a few items they needed , and then after leaving Mae at her home , I left Hugh 's car at his home , and got into mine , and drove home . Now , after popping Dub a bowl of pop corn , I am back here at my tPosted by Hidy Do , FolksWell , this morning I went out to water my roses and wildflower bed , and noticed how muggy it was , but also looked up at the sky and felt so blessed to be able to pull the water hose down through the carport . Some mornings ( and evenings ) when I do the watering , it is quite difficult to manage having the energy to do so . After I watered the flowers in front of the house , I went back to the back of the house and watered the little tomato patch and our fledgling sunflowers that Dub planted several weeks ago . Then I undid the hose from the water faucet , and rolled up the water hose onto the reel . Sitting for a while on the front porch , I watched the hummingbirds flit and feed at the feeders . It is so peaceful early in the morning out there , listening to the wind chimes on the porch and watching birds zoom and fly about . I also saw a rabbit running through the yard , seeking a haven in which to hide . Going back into the house , I went into the kitchen and got out my morning cereal and milk , picked up my ever present book to read , and enjoyed a quiet breakfast . Deciding then to go into Jefferson City while Dub was still asleep , I got ready and left him a note telling him where I was , then I was on my way . Stopped at the local library , picked out a few books , and then on to Wal - mart . I decided to buy a utility cart to use in my kitchen , so I bought it and returned home in time to see Dub wander into the kitchen in search of breakfast . I made his coffee and we sat and talked while he had breakfast and I ate a tomato , cheese and roast beef sandwich for lunch . ( It was 1 : 30 by this time ) . He was settled into the living room to watch television and I called Marian to see how she was doing after the big party yesterday . I also asked did she have any tomatoes , since we have quite a few . I told her I would bring some to her , and she said come on over . So I went over and her company from Canada was still there , along with another relative from Morristown . We had a great time talking and I learned more about her family froPosted by Hidy do , Folks ( Hidy do is the old fashioned southern greeting that is translated from How do you do ? ) I want to talk a little bit today about celebrations of life . Aren 't they wonderful occasions ? Today we celebrated the 90th birthday of our friend , Marian , who is Judy 's mama . They are both great friends of ours along with Judy 's husband , Gene . We met at the church fellowship hall today which had been set up with food ( lots of really good food ) that had been prepared by Marian 's family . The celebration was well attended and I believe at least 50 people , maybe more , came and helped in the celebration . People came in from Canada , near where Marian and her husband once lived with their four children in Wisconsin , and a daughter came in from Chicago . There was a camaraderie that is often seen where people get together and talk over old times , and laugh and eat . Many of the people who came are members of our church who have come to know Marian since she and her husband moved here about 6 or 7 years ago . Marian 's husband died about 3 years ago , so she is a widow who lives alone but is never left alone because people just naturally gravitate toward her . Marian is a very outgoing , busy person , who never lets things get her down , even when they are going badly . A little less than a year ago , Judy and her family had a birthday celebration for Gene 's mother , who was 90 at the time . It too , was a lovely celebration , and people came from some distance to help her celebrate her life . Unfortunately , not very many days after the get together for Lois , she had a major stroke and after several hours , she passed away . She was a gentle little lady who had lived a full life and was ready to go . She had great faith , and I am happy to say that Marian does as well . Nothing is more fun than getting together with folks that you know and love and have much in common with . I hope that you have had a lovely day today with someone you care for . It won 't be long till time to go out and watch our hummingbirds . May you have a good night 's rest . GodGrammy Howdy , You all , A few days ago , I put up a hummingbird feeder , because I knew that we live in an area where they visit . I also planted some hummingbird vine that Imazo had given me . That very evening , I saw some hummingbirds come by and drink at the feeder . What a wonderful thing to observe ! I am posting a picture of the feeder , but have no pictures yet of the little beauties feasting . Interested in the habits and facts of these little creatures , I did some googling to get the information I wanted . I found out that their brains are larger proportionately to their body than that of any other birds . I also discovered that they can fly upward , backwards , forwards and can hover , and also can perch , but they never walk . Their feet are not made for walking , only perching or scratching their heads . They have an unusual tongue , as well . They don 't drink with their beaks ; in fact , only open their beaks far enough to stick their long tongue into the nectar . They roll their tongues up into little straw - like tubes , forming troughs for the liquid . They lap the nectar kind of like cats lap milk or liquids . The hummers eat insects as well as drinking nectar . I read that if you place overripe fruit near your feeders to attract fruit - loving flies , they can feed on the flies . It suggests that banana peels are really good for this purpose . The hummers need the insects to supply protein for their diet . The hummers use their hands to fly ; yeah , I know , you thought they used their wings . Well , it seems that they have extremely long " hand bones " to support the large primary feathers and enable rapid wing strokes while keeping the wings from bending in two . So , in a way , they almost fly with their hands . These tiny birds only weigh from 3 - 4 ounces and eat about every 15 - 20 minutes . The humming sound that they make ( I 've never heard it , but I 'm sure they do ) is from singing with their hands . It is the humming of their wings that gives them their name . Well , there you have it . A lot of info about these little valiant birds who interest so mPosted by Howdy , you all , So many things to write about . . . so little time . I 'd like to write about my Sweetie - pie today . My husband , Dub , ( Walter ) , is a wonderful man , so caring and thoughtful , and he is slowly growing more forgetful and unknowing of the day or month of the year . I try to keep the day of the week and month written on our whiteboard on the fridge . Here we are together a few weeks ago at my brother , Hugh 's , house . He likes to sleep late in the mornings and I had told him night before last that he could sleep as late as he wished the next morning , because we were not scheduled to go to Knoxville to take my brother anywhere for an appointment . We do go quite often to Knoxville , ususally at least once a week and sometimes twice a week . He accompanies me and never complains about much of anything . Well , yesterday morning , I got up and went out to water the flowers , and to put up a hummingbird pole to hang feeders for them . I also clipped the grass surrounding my roses , then put away the tools and came in to wash and eat breakfast . Then I went in to our bedroom to check on Dub where I thought he would still be sleeping . Lo and behold , he was up putting on his Sunday clothes . I asked him what he was doing and he said , " I 'm getting dressed for church . " I said , " I 'll bet you 're thinking about Marian 's birthday celebration , aren 't you ? " He said , " Yes " and I told him that it was still a few days before that , and that it was Wednesday . You see , Judy is having a celebration of her mother , Marian 's , 90th birthday on Sunday the 27th at a drop in at the church . Marian turned 90 a week ago , and the best time to set the celebration for her friends is this Sunday . Dub has kept the celebration in his mind and doesn 't want to miss it . He quite often gets something on his mind and will question me about it several times . He sometimes no sooner asks a question , than he will ask it again within a few minutes . That is one of the characteristics of dementia . He has been diagnosed as having dementia , of which Alzheimer 's is a form . He hasGrammy Hello , again ! Today is my great grandson , Noah 's , birthday . He is three years old . Isn 't he a darling ? Here is his picture . To read more about him and his 3 siblings , go to : http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / This may seem like a strange subject , but it came to my mind while ago , as I was sitting at the dinner table ( noontime meal ) . The bottom of my foot was itching , and as I scratched at it with my other foot , I happened to remember what Mama used to say when we would say our foot itched . The standard comment was , " You are going to be walking on strange ground . " ( Meaning where we had never walked before ) . Of course , we would start thinking about where that could be . Sometimes , if one of us had an ear that was itching , we would be told that we were going to hear good news . An ear that turned red would mean that someone was talking about us . If a palm of the hand itched , that would indicate that we were going to shake hands with someone , or that we were going to get some money . We really liked that one . Sometimes , while setting the table for a meal , we would accidentally place two like utensils at the same place which if they were knives they would indicate that two men were coming to visit , two spoons indicated two women were coming to visit , and two forks would indicate 2 children . One of our favorite superstitions was when one of us got the hiccoughs . When one got the hiccoughs , it indicated that someone was thinking about us . We would guess a person for each time we hiccoughed , and when we had guessed it , the hiccoughs would stop . Dreams were another thing that were discussed and different things took on special meanings . If we dreamed of snakes , it took on significance if we had killed the snakes or not . If we had killed the snake , then we had defeated an enemy . If not , then an enemy would gain control over us , and that was not good . If we dreamed of water , and it was clear water , it was supposed to portend good . If we dreamed of muddy water , that was not a good dream . Also , " A Saturday night dream , and Sunday morning o ' ertold , always proves true to young and old . " In other words , if one dreams on Saturday night and tells it before breakfast on Sunday , it would come true . You may wonder why we placed so much significaPosted by Howdy , Friends , Just sittin ' here thinkin ' about how summers used to be on the farm here in the most outer reaches of New Market Community . It is raining this evening , and it reminded me of the days that the corn was close to being " laid by " , which means that we didn 't have much else to do to it . Oh , there was some hoeing to do to it , and then there was the tobacco that had to be " wormed " , which consisted of pulling the tobacco worms off , and either stepping on them or throwing them on the hard ground and splatting them . My brother , John , three years younger than I am , would put them on his shirt , where they would stay , fastening themselves on , and then after collecting quite a few , he would then proceed to splat them on the ground . Well , when it was raining during the day , I would hide away in the side room that was on the front of the house , and lie on the army cot that we had in there , and read . Our roof was made of tin , and oh , the sound of the rain on it was so wonderful ! Reading has always been one of my favorite activities , from the time I was in the second grade through tomorrow and tomorrow . Near the end of summer , before school started , was tobacco cutting time . Wooden sticks were gathered for the cutting , and spaced out in the tobacco patch for the " spearing " of the stalks onto the sticks , as each stalk was cut . When we would come to the stick , the person cutting the stalks would put the stick straight up into the ground and then place a metal point on the top of the stick . The stalk would then be cut near the ground and it would be " speared " onto the stick and brought close to the ground . The next stalk would be cut and speared onto the stick , and brought close to the one just placed on it . And so on , until the stick was full , then on to the next stick . Of course , I never got to help in the cutting of the tobacco , because I was a girl and too small . But that is okay , it was hot work anyway , and I never cared too much about working out in the hot sun . Ha . John and I had a lot of fun on the farm as well asPosted by Howdy , You all , I sat on my front porch this afternoon and broke and strung green beans to prepare for our supper this evening . As I sat there , breaking beans , tossing them into a pan , I started thinking about years past when I would help prepare beans for the winter . Sometimes , we would sit for hours , wielding a double - threaded needle , and thread green beans that had been broken onto the string , then they would be hung up to dry . In the wintertime , we would then cook them to eat . They were called leatherbritches , or shuck beans . The name leatherbritches came from the fact that the green part of the bean would toughen up as it dried . I don 't know who first called them leatherbritches , but the name certainly fit , didn 't it ? Have you ever eaten them ? Or have you helped prepare them for the winter ? Speaking of supper , I also fixed some summer yellow crookneck squash , boiled some white potatoes , and sliced tomatoes from our little tomato patch out back of our house . I sliced some fresh cucumbers , and baked some corn meal muffins , and we had a meal fit for a king . Imazo 's sister provided us with the green beans , squash , cucumbers , and a head of cabbage fresh from her garden . Thank you , dear friend ! Well , that is all for today from Blabbin ' Grammy ! It has been a long day , and I really must say good evening . Love to all of you for now . Blabbin ' Grammy signing off . Posted by Today , Dub and I , and Hugh and Imazo went to Madisonville to visit Imazo 's sisters , Dorothy and Barbara who live close to each other . We visited in Dorothy 's home , and Barbara came with her husband , Reath , who is a farmer . What a wonderful time we all had , sitting and talking about times past , and looking at old pictures Dorothy had of family and friends . Imazo and her sisters and brothers grew up in the Madisonville area . The picture above is of ( left to right ) : Imazo , Dorothy , and Barbara . Aren 't they lovely ladies ? I certainly think so . We laughed , enjoying stories that we each were telling and sharing . Barbara 's husband , Reath , is a wonderful storyteller , and tells about things that have happened to him and to others he knew . Barbara and Reath have daughters who are grown and have children . Dorothy lost her only child , Linda , to an illness several years ago , caring for her for many years as an invalid , then lost her husband to illness soon after that . She remarried and lived happily several years with a second husband , only to lose him to diabetes and its side effects . Dorothy also cared for her mother through her time of illness and passing . Dorothy is a very strong individual , who has come through several of life 's trials . The three sisters , Imazo , Dorothy , and Barbara , have another sister , Lois , who lives in Ohio , and at present is in a nursing home taking physical therapy due to a recent stroke . They are hoping to soon see her out of the nursing home and back in her home . While we were visiting today , we had some delicious cake and coffee with them , and we sat on the front porch and talked about how things had changed in the area during the time they have lived there . Dorothy 's home is a wonderful old country house surrounded by all kinds of beautiful flowers that she and her husband planted quite a few years ago . We left with some fresh vegetables , provided by Barbara and Reath , and intend to have several meals from them : yellow squash , green beans , cabbage , and cucumbers . Yum ! We left around mid afternoon , Grammy Howdy , Readers ! I want to share how this day was spent . Yesterday was the 90th birthday of my friend , Marian . Since I could not spend yesterday with her , we went out to lunch together , with her daughter , Judy , who is also a dear friend of ours , and whom I knew before I knew Marian . Marian moved to East Tn . from Florida a few years ago , into a house that is just a few doors up from Judy and Gene . Quite often , we share meals with Judy , Gene , Marian , and Mark and Allie . Sometimes we eat at Gene and Judy 's , sometimes with Marian , sometimes with Mark and Allie . The seven of us love to get together and share food and fellowship . Sometimes we play a board game or dominoes . We always have a really great time . Judy , Marian , and I went to a lovely little eating place that used to be a tea room . They are no longer called a tea room , but still serve the same wonderful fare . After we ate , we ordered dessert , but could not eat it all , so , of course , we got the " to go " boxes . The dessert really needed ice cream , so we decided to take it home and add the ice cream . Judy 's granddaughters , Tori and Marti , beautiful little girls and so well behaved , came to Judy 's home for the rest of today and tomorrow . So before we picked up the ice cream , we all decided to do some shopping and went to Big Lots . We stopped then at the grocery store and picked up the ice cream , and went back to Marian 's house , where we added the ice cream to the chocolate lava cake dessert , and we chowed down . As you can see , nothing spectacular happened today , but we had a wonderful time chatting , eating , and just generally kicking back . Judy 's grandchildren ( and , of course , Marian 's great grandchildren ) really love to draw pictures . They each have a sketch book provided by Marian , that they can draw in when they are at Marian 's . The sketch books will be wonderful keepsakes , and Judy has them date each picture with the day 's date . My husband had a wonderful day of peace and quiet where he could just kick back and do whatever he pleased and eat whatever he chose to . Posted by Howdy , Life on the farm settled into a routine , as most lives do , when there is repetition of duties , and chores . In February of 1948 , we learned what setting out a tobacco bed was like . The ground had to be prepared . Then there was the sowing of millions of tiny , tiny seeds . The plot was surrounded by what looked like small round logs , and then covered with a thin cloth called canvas . It was cold - cold - cold in the biting wind , but it had to be done . It was in February just after we had moved to New Market , when one Sunday afternoon we got word that my dad 's mother had passed away that morning in her sleep . One of dad 's brothers came out to the farm to tell us . So we had to make the trip in to Knoxville to attend the wake ( which was held in her home , with the casket in her living room ) and then for the funeral . The picture here is of her . I will soon do a post on just her . I entertained the kids that were there by telling them silly stories , which I made up on the spot . It also entertained one of my dad 's sisters who was sometimes not quite right mentally , so she was easily entertained . I think it was then that I discovered my penchant for telling stories . Life on the farm could be fun as well as difficult . My sister , Margaret , and I would often sing together while doing the chore of dishwashing . Since we had no sink inside the house , we had to do dishes in dishpans . We had to heat the water on the cook stove in the kitchen , and then we stood at the kitchen table to wash and rinse and dry the dishes . I absolutely hated doing the dishes , and about the time she got them washed and put in the other pan , I would have to run down to the outhouse , and hope that they would be done by the time I got back . Sometimes , she took pity on me , and finished them . Sometimes , she did not . Oh , well , I thought , at least I tried . We would sing songs like , " Bringing in the Sheaves " and " Old Black Joe " and " Heavenly Sunshine " , " Kneel at the Cross " . When we first moved out here , there were several outbuildings . One of them was a " potato Posted by Howdy , You All , I thought I would write a little bit about our early days out on the farm , when we first moved into the country at New Market , back in December of 1947 . We had moved from Knoxville , and it was quite an eye - opener for John and I , because we didn 't remember a lot of life as it had occured in Possum Valley when I was in my very early years , and John was even younger . Now , we were 14 and 11 years old , respectively , and everything was a whole new ball game from living in Knoxville for the past 6 or 7 years . Out here , in New Market , in our house there was no electricity , no running water , and of course , no indoor bathroom . We just had 3 and ! / 2 rooms and a path . The water came from a cistern on the back porch , and in the summertime , it often went dry and we had to carry water from our nearest neighbor about a half mile away . The water in the cistern was actually rain water that ran into the cistern when it rained . We also had water barrels at the end of the house . We used that water to wash our hair and to take our Saturday night baths . Yes , that is when we bathed . We " cleaned up " in a wash basin during the week . The day we moved , we rode out to the farm in the mover 's truck , and it was raining . The farm looked desolate in the rain , and the house looked more like a shack than a house . ( actually , it was . ha . ) We moved on a weekend , and I was half way through ninth grade , and John was half way through sixth grade . We went to school on the following Monday , and met the other children . I am sure they looked on us as " city kids " . We both had a lot of catching up to do , because the kids were way ahead of us in the schoolbooks . When we would come home in the evenings it was already nearly darktime , and we would have to study by lamplight at the kitchen table . No radio to study by , as we had done in Knoxville , listening to " Terry and The Pirates " and " The Lone Ranger " and " Jack Armstrong , the all - American Boy " . I soon gained a reputation at school for being smart , because I had to study so hard to pass the semesterGrammy I have a dear friend named Dot . She is a longtime friend . We went to Carson - Newman College together in the early 1960 's . She and I were buddies for three years . I graduated and then we lost track of each other . Here is a picture of Dot and her granddaughter , Alison , at my church 's Festival of Tables . When we were both freshmen , she could not afford to go home over Thanksgiving , so I invited her to my home , because I lived just a few miles away from Jefferson City , where C - N is located . A few years ago , she started trying to find me , and finally , just a month or so after we moved back from Florida , ( two years ago ) she talked to a friend that we have in common , who knew that my last name had changed since Dot knew me , told her my last name , and she called me . How very wonderfully surprised I was , and still am , that she had found me . I have thought of Dot many times over the years since we had seen each other , wondering what had happened to her , and what she was doing . We both got our degrees in teaching and she went back to her hometown in south central Tennessee and got married , had a child and taught for many years . What a wonderful time we had when we saw each other again . We shared pictures , stories , and laughed over many things . I discovered when we saw each other , that she was suffering from diabetes . I know what she was going through , because my husband is a long - time diabetic . Last year , I invited her to our Festival of Tables that we have each spring at our church and she came . The Festival of Tables is a time that the ladies of our church get together to have a good time together . Different ladies who choose to , decorate a table with a theme of their choice and invite 7 other ladies to sit at their table and enjoy the food , fellowship , and hear an interesting speaker that we always have . Dot graced us with her presence again this year , and brought her granddaughter , Alison , with her . We talk occasionally and also e - mail one another . Recently , Dot has had to begin dialysis , and has been doing that successfulPosted by Howdy , Friends , How are you all doing today ? We have been to Knoxville , visiting with my brother , Hugh , and taking him to see one of his several doctors . As you may know , the older we get , the more doctors we are priviledged to see . His health is certainly not getting any better , but is kind of holding his own against congestive heart failure and some of the accompanying ailments that go along with it . Other appointments are coming up soon . Do you dream ? Is it in black and white or technicolor ? Mine are always in technicolor , and I dream every night , sometimes in the afternoon , if I take a nap , I may dream . Last night 's dreams were of my sister , Margaret , and we were doing some kind of project with kids . I think I was teaching ( my occupation when I worked ) in the school library . Somehow or other , I can 't escape dreaming about teaching school or the work I did in the school library . Isn 't that funny ? What do you dream about ? What kind of television do you watch ? Or do you watch ? I love Game Show Network because sometimes it challenges me and I can answer questions right along with the contestants . We got new gravel delivered and deposited on our long dirt driveway . It still has to be evened out , and Mark has said someone would be coming over to take care of it for us . What a wonderful friend and landlord he is ! Tomorrow is another day , and Dub and I are headed in to Knoxville to take Hugh to his family doctor for a regular checkup and then we will all go out for a meal . If there is one thing we do well together , it is eat and have fellowship . God bless you all , and have a good evening . I think I will just go take a little afternoon nap , and see what good things I can dream up . Bye for now from Blabbin ' Grammy til tomorrow . Howdy , You - All , Every once in awhile , things just kind of don 't turn out the way you would hope for , and you just gotta get feelin 's out in the open . Well , this past week has kind of had a few things happen like that , and here goes ! First off , Wednesday was a trial for me , what with sittin ' so long in the nice Big Chair at the dentist 's office . Like I said before , he was just as nice ( along with his assistants ) as could be , but I had some repercussions from the firm grip he had ( and needed to have ) on my chin for such a long time . I could joke and say he was just trying to keep me from jumping out of the Big Chair . He did , however leave a little bruise on my chin which did not show up until a couple of days later , and then yesterday , fully developed into the bruise on my chin , evidenced in the picture you see at the top of my post . Now , since I am not a raving beauty , it really doesn 't matter enough to rant and rave . In fact , hardly anyone at church this morning said anything about it . You know that people notice , but are too polite to comment . Second bad - mouthin ' is my ongoing battle with AT & T . Yep , got a new bill , and sure enough , they hadn 't taken off the charge for high - speed internet for last of May and all of June , but added the charge for July ! Goin ' to have to call them tomorrow and rip a strip of hide from someone 's skin . Politely , of course . No bad language . Third bad - mouthin ' : We went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch today , the second time in two weeks . ( Went last Sunday as well , and the steak my husband ordered last week was tough , they replaced it with a second tough one ) . Dub always orders coffee to drink , but as many coffee drinkers , he likes it hot . Well , needless to say , it was like strong luke - warm ditchwater . Sent it back . Back a new cup came , just as cold as the first . Four times it was brought and still not hot . I am talking luke - warm here . The meat in my chicken pot pie was tough and dry . I did not send it back , but we have ex - d off Ruby Tuesday 's from our list of acceptable and preferred eating places . NPosted by Hey there , You All , Isn 't it wonderful when you can get up to clean dishes without doing a lot of the work ? No , little Brownies who cleaned house in the childhood fairy tales did not clean them . Instead , I had two dinner guests and an automatic dishwasher that did the job . Yes , we had friends over to have supper with us last evening and we sat around and just talked for about two and a half hours following supper . We usually play dominoes after eating , but we continued our supper conversation on into the evening , about first one thing and another . The friends who came over are two couples , Mark and Allie , and Gene and Judy and her mom , Marian . I know you have already read how I take Marian out for lunch fairly often . She will be 90 in about a week or so . So we had a very congenial group of seven people eating supper together . I had made a couple of large bowls of a pasta dish , made up of hot cooked macaroni , mixed together with hot spaghetti sauce , some chopped up cooked pork tenderloin , and topped with grated cheeses ( Mexican 4 cheeses found in packages at grocery store ) then placed into the oven until cheese is thoroughly melted . ( When we started serving , Gene asked , " Who are the other 7 people who are going to be eating with us ? " ) I had also made a big plate of deviled eggs , and Judy brought a pan of freshly cooked beets , and prepared at my home a pan of tender crisp zucchini . She had sliced the zucchini into small chunks , put two tablespoons of olive oil into the pan , along with a large sweet onion which she caramelized over high heat , then added the zucchini and kept it stirred until cooked just tender crisp . It was delicious ! To accompany the pasta dish , I had toasted some garlic bread , and Voila ' , we had supper . Following supper , Mark and Gene took the second bowl of pasta to a nearby Samaritan House where homeless people live . While we ladies waited , we cleaned up the dishes , and just talked and laughed , having a great time . When the guys came back , I took out the dessert which I had prepared 24 hours previously . Posted by Tomorrow is a special day for a special little girl . Her name is Elizabeth Maria - Vanessa and she is our great granddaughter who was born in Guatemala and adopted by my grandson , Pastor Daniel and his wife , Whitney and their other 3 children . They all compose a family unit of six . They call her Ellie , and she is loved passionately by all of us . Her adoption became final in January of this year . She has made great strides in becoming Americanized . Gramps and I have yet to see her in person , and are looking forward to the occasion ! If you would like to see her picture and those of her brothers and sister , ( and her parents ) , go to http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / and you will be able to read all about them and their adoption journey , and the rest of it since then . In case you are wondering how I got the name Grammy , it was almost by accident . Our great grandchildren have quite a few sets of grand parents and great grandparents , so we were trying to decide what they could call us to identify us apart from all the others . I suggested that we could be called Granny and Gramps . One of the boys heard me say Granny and thought I said Grammy . I thought , " wow , that is even better than Granny " so I became Grammy to them . So here is our wish to you , Dear Ellie ! We wish you the happiest birthday tomorrow , and many happy returns of the day ! We love you . . and hope to see you next month sometime . Grammy and Gramps Howdy , Friends , I 'm just a country girl at heart , because I spent a lot of time growing up in country surroundings . I also love country music , and grew up in the era of the Mid - day Merry - Go - Round Radio program on WNOX radio in the 1940 's . One could hear the music and talk from that program while walking around anywhere in our neighborhood around noon time till one o ' clock in the afternoon because back then , no one had air conditioning and all the windows in houses were wide open . One could hear people playing musical instruments ( mostly guitar and mandolin , and the fiddle ) , and singing country music . Lowell Blanchard was the emcee and would joke around with the people on the show . Singers like Molly Bee and Hotshot Elmer could be heard every day , along with Homer and Jethro who were a comic act and also sang . There were others that I can 't remember . It has been too long . I remember a lot of the lyrics of songs that I learned in the war years , while my brothers were in the service . One of them was called , " The Letter Edged in Black " , which was about a mother who had died and a letter was sent to her son , to tell him about it . Another was about a boy who had died in the war and it started out with the words , " The postman delivered a letter , it filled her dear heart with joy , but she didn 't know til she read the insides , it was the last one from her darling boy . " My mom knew a whole slew of sad songs and she would sing them for us . One was called , " Put My Little Shoes Away . " This was about a little boy who was sick and told his mother to give his toys to his playmates , but not his shoes . Another was " Please Mr . Conductor " about a boy who was rushing home to see his mother before God took her away , and he didn 't have the money to pay for his ticket . He pleads with the conductor not to throw him off the train . She also sang one about the Knoxville Girl who was killed by a cruel man named Leo Frank . She sang another about two little children who died in the snow , because they had no home and their mother was dead . Then tGrammy Well , believe it or not , I survived the three and a half hours in the dentist 's chair today . Yes , it was nerve - wracking , but then it always is . Not the dentist 's fault by any means , because he is a lovely , caring person who goes out of his way to make it as pleasant an experience as possible . Let me tell you of some of my experiences from an early age sitting in the " Big Chair " . I think possibly I may have gotten off on the wrong foot , so to speak , with dentists . My first memory of going to the dentist was when I was about six years old . I had a tooth that was hurting me , and so my mom said to dad , " Well , Jim , I guess you had better take her to the dentist . " So my Uncle Oney came over and took us in his car to the dentist 's office . We got to the Medical Arts Building in Knoxville where the dentist 's office was located . We went up in the elevator ( my first ride in one ) and I was already nervous from that experience . My stomach felt like it didn 't come up with us . Then on into the dentist 's office where I looked around and didn 't see any friendly faces . I did hear a kid hollering " no , no , no , " from another room . I looked up into my dad 's face , and he just smiled at me . Into the dentist 's office we walked in a few minutes , I with great trepidation . He ushered me over to the big chair sitting in the center of the little room . It had a tray with all kinds of stuff on it . He asked me to open my mouth , and I did ( because I was a very obedient child at that time ) . The dentist then reached into my mouth and felt around . I looked up at him , and saw that he was looking out the window . I said , " You are not even looking into my mouth ! " He told me in no uncertain terms that he knew exactly what he was doing , and didn 't have to look in there . Well ! That was it for me . As far as I was concerned , he was a smart alec . He then put some stuff on my tooth , and pulled it . That finished it - - I decided right then that no more trips to the dentist . Ha ! Several years later , when I was the mother of a six year old , and a 3 year old , ( age 25 ) I Grammy Howdy , Friends ! I 'll bet that you , as an e - mailer , get lots of " forwards " , don 't you ? I know I certainly do . Sometimes I read them all , sometimes , I don 't . I really enjoy reading them when I have the time and inclination . I also send them on sometimes . I love the jokes , especially the dumb blonde ones , ( Please forgive me if you are blonde and object to them - I know a person doesn 't have to be blonde to exhibit dumbness , it is so simple anybody can do it ) . I also like the inspirational ones - sometimes someone sends me music that is beautiful . Yesterday , I received this one , and I thought , " I know this one has been around before , but it says so much and says it so well , I am going to post it on my blog tomorrow . " So here it is : LEMONS AND SUGAR This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day . You may not realize it , but it is 100 % true . 1 . There are at least two people in this world that you would die for . 2 . At least 15 people in this world love you in some way . 3 . The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you . 4 . A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone , even if they don 't like you . 5 . Every night , SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep . 6 . You mean the world to someone . 7 . You are special and unique . 8 . Someone that you don 't even know exists loves you . 9 . When you make the biggest mistake ever , something good comes from it . 10 . When you think the world has turned its back on you , take another look . 11 . Always remember the compliments you received . Forget about the rude remarks . 12 . And always remember . . . . when life hands you Lemons , ask for Sugar and call me over ! Good friends are like stars . You don 't always see them , But you know they are always there . I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I am here , Than a whole truckload when I am gone . Happiness keeps you Sweet , Trials keep you Strong , Sorrows keep you Human , Life keeps you Humble , Success keeps you Glowing , But only God keeps you Going . Well , friendGrammy Greetings on this overcast , rainy day ! We went to visit my brother , Hugh , and his wife , Imazo , today , and to carry them , along with our oldest brother 's widow , Mae , who is almost 89 and still getting around really well , to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel , which we try to do at least once a week . We got to talking about when Mae met Bill , my oldest brother . It seems that Bill and she met on the steps of a church there in Knoxville back in the late 1930 's . Bill was dating a friend of Mae 's , and decided to kind of keep looking around . Bill was only 17 years old at the time , and Mae was also 17 , but he told her that he was 22 , and she says he looked older than 17 , so she believed him . He wore a dark suit , and a black hat , and looked the age he said he was . Well , that particular evening , they had been to a revival at one of the churches , but not together . She was with her girl friend , that Bill had been dating and he met them there on the steps . It would seem that once he saw Mae , he was really taken with her , and he asked if he could walk her home . She said yes , and that was the beginning of their courtship . After courting for some time , they decided to get married , and she had to get her dad to sign for her to get married , and she was surprised when Bill said he had to get his dad to sign for him . She said , " but you 're 22 and don 't need him to sign for you " . He said , " well , actually , yes , I do , because I 'm the same age as you are . " Mae and Bill rode in the back of her dad 's old truck , freezing nearly to death in the falling snow , and her dad had a flat tire on the truck , but he got them to her brother 's house till he could get the tire fixed . They went to get our dad to sign for Bill and Dad was in the middle of killing hogs . It was late in the year and was snowing . Dad was so mad , because he had to quit what he was doing and go sign for them to get married . Mae and Bill shared a love of baseball and they both worked at the Smokey 's stadium in Knoxville selling hot dogs and popcorn , and also picking up bottles and cleanPosted by I 'd like to tell you a little more about my family during the time that I was about 5 and 6 years old . We moved from Knoxville to a place we called ' Possum Valley . It was located in the area known as Concord , TN . When we moved to ' Possum Valley , we moved into a log cabin belonging to my dad 's mother . It was a two room cabin , with a loft . Some of my earliest memories come from those years . The walls of the cabin were papered with old newspapers to keep the cold air out . There were 8 people who lived in that cabin , and sometimes more . ( Believe it or not ! ) My oldest brother , Bill , got married when we were living in that cabin , and brought his bride , my oldest sister - in - law , Mae , to live there . To say that it was crowded would be an understatement . But we had some wonderful times in that cabin . My mom loved to tell ghost stories to us when the wind would be blowing outside and we would gather around her near the fireplace and plead with her to " tell us another one . " Although my brother , Bill , has been gone for 22 years , his wife , Mae , is still with us , and we often talk about those days in ' Possum Valley . We younger children entertained ourselves by reading the comics that were plastered to the walls . My youngest brother , John , was still in diapers when we moved there . There were two churches that we lived close to . We would go to Sunday School in one of them , and walk down the road to the other one for Sunday School because they began a little bit after the first one let out . ( At least that is what my brother and sister told me ) . I remember some of the walking but not too much about the sunday school classes . We walked to school which was called Boyd School and was a one - room schoolhouse , divided by a partition into two classrooms . A lady teacher taught the primer through 3rd grades , and the principal , who was a man , taught the other 5 classes . That was the school that my sister had to repeat 8th grade so that she could watch over me in the primer and first grade . The primer was taught the first half of the year , and tPosted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !

Hey You all , A friend of mine named Dot has asked me to tell her about what I went through with my by - pass surgery almost four years ago , so here goes . She is going to be having the same surgery in a couple of weeks . Please pray for her to have easy surgery and a rapid recovery . My surgery was performed the day after Labor Day in 2004 . The doctor did 3 bypasses and put in a temporary pacemaker . Three days later I went back to surgery and they put in a permanent pacemaker . They did not allow me to feel any pain during that time , and gave me some kind of pain pills . Also some time in the day or the day following my surgery , according to my daughter , Teresa , who was by my side at the time , said that I just stuck out my arm and said , " Morphine , I want Morphine " . ha . ( I am not any kind of drug addict , by the way ) One cannot be held responsible for what one says when he or she is " out of it " . ( BTW , I had my surgery the day after President Clinton had his surgery - only different hospitals , ha ha . He had just been on the South Beach Diet , too , as I had ) Within a few days following the surgery they had me on my feet and walking around some . Now the circumstances following my surgery were somewhat unusual . Four days following it , Hurricane Ivan hit the Florida Coast and I was there in the hospital at Pensacola . They had boarded up the windows on our side of the hospital in preparation for the hurricane , the hurricane hit on Wednesday night , I was talking to Allie back here in Tennessee and telling her how exciting it was . I got up to walk down to the end of the hall to see if I could see it blowing , but it was too dark outside . Then the lights went out all over the hospital just after I had gotten back to my room . That meant no air conditioning either . OOPS I am getting off track with how I felt physically . I wss actually feeling pretty good , except for being sore in my chest where it had been cracked open , and I was having to sleep on my back ( almost impossible ) but they gave me Ambien to sleep and I did sleep but didn 't likPosted by Hey you all , Just wanted you to see the really great extra parking place that has been created for me to back up from my carport so that I don 't have to back into the road that goes by our home . Our friends and landlords , Mark and Allie , have seen to the creation of the extra space as well as providing gravel for our driveway . They really are taking great care of " Mama Ruby " and " Daddy Dub " . The picture is of Mark ( Right ) and his helper , Carl . Of course , they stopped work for a minute for me to snap the picture . I also snapped a picture of a hummingbird at the feeder . It is hovering in front of the feeder on the left . Click your mouse on the picture and it will enlarge so that you can see the hummer . Mark enjoys sitting and having a cup of coffee mid morning and watching the hummingbirds with us . Dub and I went into Jefferson City this afternoon and exchanged a utility cart that has to be assembled . I bought it at Walmart on Monday and intended to put it together Monday evening , and opened it only to discover that one of the shelves ( pressed wood of course ) was broken on the corner . Top quality stuff , you know . ha ha . Anyway , naturally , I couldn 't put it together until now . I guess I may put it together late this evening . Or I may do it in the morning while I am up by myself , waiting for Dub to get up . He wasn 't up today until around noon time . I also bought some ( human ) joint repair called glucosamine and chondroitin . Does it work ? I certainly hope so . If anyone out there who reads this can give me any information on how it has helped them , please let me know . I also bought some white knee high hose for helping those who have had heart surgery . Won 't they look great with my walking shorts ? Spent some time relaxing playing computer games . I admit it . I am a computer game junkie . Severely addicted . Dub and I had a great deal of enjoyment sitting on our front porch today after we got back from Jefferson City . He helped me water my flowers also . Well , that is about it for today . Just kind of chatting with you today . GPosted by Hidy , Do , Well , this morning we got up and got ready to go into Knoxville . We got to my brother , Hugh 's , house and switched cars ( my car is a little Yaris and difficult for Hugh to get into ) with Hugh and drove his Camry as I usually do when we go somewhere together . We picked up my sister - in - law , Mae , and proceeded to the Cracker Barrel nearest our house and had a really great breakfast . Then the five of us headed out our way to my home , where we chose to sit on the front porch and watch the hummers for a while . We sat and talked on for some time , then I took my sister - in - law , Mae , through the house , since she hadn 't seen it since I had moved in . She was very complimentary , ( of course ) as we walked through . It is always fun to share one 's home with family and friends . A few minutes later , Mae , Imazo and I got into the car and we went to Hobby Lobby in Morristown to see what goodies we could find . We all found some good stuff ; I found some material for a new quilt , and some garland for decorating my picture window at Christmas . Too early , you say ? Not so ! It is never too early to think of what to do to decorate for Christmas . We came back and had sandwiches , rootbeer and fresh apples . Yum . I had some fresh tomatoes from our little tomato patch out back that we used on our meat and cheese sandwiches . I took Mae and Imazo back to my little workroom where I keep my computer and showed them some of the blogs , especially those of Dan and Whit and their adoption journey . They really loved it . I am posting a picture of the four of them at the lunch table in our kitchen . Hope you like it . There is nothing like family get togethers , is there ? After a while , we decided it was time for the journey back to Knoxville , so the three of them got into Hugh 's car , and I drove them back to Knoxville where we stopped at a grocery store for a few items they needed , and then after leaving Mae at her home , I left Hugh 's car at his home , and got into mine , and drove home . Now , after popping Dub a bowl of pop corn , I am back here at my tPosted by Hidy Do , FolksWell , this morning I went out to water my roses and wildflower bed , and noticed how muggy it was , but also looked up at the sky and felt so blessed to be able to pull the water hose down through the carport . Some mornings ( and evenings ) when I do the watering , it is quite difficult to manage having the energy to do so . After I watered the flowers in front of the house , I went back to the back of the house and watered the little tomato patch and our fledgling sunflowers that Dub planted several weeks ago . Then I undid the hose from the water faucet , and rolled up the water hose onto the reel . Sitting for a while on the front porch , I watched the hummingbirds flit and feed at the feeders . It is so peaceful early in the morning out there , listening to the wind chimes on the porch and watching birds zoom and fly about . I also saw a rabbit running through the yard , seeking a haven in which to hide . Going back into the house , I went into the kitchen and got out my morning cereal and milk , picked up my ever present book to read , and enjoyed a quiet breakfast . Deciding then to go into Jefferson City while Dub was still asleep , I got ready and left him a note telling him where I was , then I was on my way . Stopped at the local library , picked out a few books , and then on to Wal - mart . I decided to buy a utility cart to use in my kitchen , so I bought it and returned home in time to see Dub wander into the kitchen in search of breakfast . I made his coffee and we sat and talked while he had breakfast and I ate a tomato , cheese and roast beef sandwich for lunch . ( It was 1 : 30 by this time ) . He was settled into the living room to watch television and I called Marian to see how she was doing after the big party yesterday . I also asked did she have any tomatoes , since we have quite a few . I told her I would bring some to her , and she said come on over . So I went over and her company from Canada was still there , along with another relative from Morristown . We had a great time talking and I learned more about her family froPosted by Hidy do , Folks ( Hidy do is the old fashioned southern greeting that is translated from How do you do ? ) I want to talk a little bit today about celebrations of life . Aren 't they wonderful occasions ? Today we celebrated the 90th birthday of our friend , Marian , who is Judy 's mama . They are both great friends of ours along with Judy 's husband , Gene . We met at the church fellowship hall today which had been set up with food ( lots of really good food ) that had been prepared by Marian 's family . The celebration was well attended and I believe at least 50 people , maybe more , came and helped in the celebration . People came in from Canada , near where Marian and her husband once lived with their four children in Wisconsin , and a daughter came in from Chicago . There was a camaraderie that is often seen where people get together and talk over old times , and laugh and eat . Many of the people who came are members of our church who have come to know Marian since she and her husband moved here about 6 or 7 years ago . Marian 's husband died about 3 years ago , so she is a widow who lives alone but is never left alone because people just naturally gravitate toward her . Marian is a very outgoing , busy person , who never lets things get her down , even when they are going badly . A little less than a year ago , Judy and her family had a birthday celebration for Gene 's mother , who was 90 at the time . It too , was a lovely celebration , and people came from some distance to help her celebrate her life . Unfortunately , not very many days after the get together for Lois , she had a major stroke and after several hours , she passed away . She was a gentle little lady who had lived a full life and was ready to go . She had great faith , and I am happy to say that Marian does as well . Nothing is more fun than getting together with folks that you know and love and have much in common with . I hope that you have had a lovely day today with someone you care for . It won 't be long till time to go out and watch our hummingbirds . May you have a good night 's rest . GodGrammy Howdy , You all , A few days ago , I put up a hummingbird feeder , because I knew that we live in an area where they visit . I also planted some hummingbird vine that Imazo had given me . That very evening , I saw some hummingbirds come by and drink at the feeder . What a wonderful thing to observe ! I am posting a picture of the feeder , but have no pictures yet of the little beauties feasting . Interested in the habits and facts of these little creatures , I did some googling to get the information I wanted . I found out that their brains are larger proportionately to their body than that of any other birds . I also discovered that they can fly upward , backwards , forwards and can hover , and also can perch , but they never walk . Their feet are not made for walking , only perching or scratching their heads . They have an unusual tongue , as well . They don 't drink with their beaks ; in fact , only open their beaks far enough to stick their long tongue into the nectar . They roll their tongues up into little straw - like tubes , forming troughs for the liquid . They lap the nectar kind of like cats lap milk or liquids . The hummers eat insects as well as drinking nectar . I read that if you place overripe fruit near your feeders to attract fruit - loving flies , they can feed on the flies . It suggests that banana peels are really good for this purpose . The hummers need the insects to supply protein for their diet . The hummers use their hands to fly ; yeah , I know , you thought they used their wings . Well , it seems that they have extremely long " hand bones " to support the large primary feathers and enable rapid wing strokes while keeping the wings from bending in two . So , in a way , they almost fly with their hands . These tiny birds only weigh from 3 - 4 ounces and eat about every 15 - 20 minutes . The humming sound that they make ( I 've never heard it , but I 'm sure they do ) is from singing with their hands . It is the humming of their wings that gives them their name . Well , there you have it . A lot of info about these little valiant birds who interest so mPosted by Howdy , you all , So many things to write about . . . so little time . I 'd like to write about my Sweetie - pie today . My husband , Dub , ( Walter ) , is a wonderful man , so caring and thoughtful , and he is slowly growing more forgetful and unknowing of the day or month of the year . I try to keep the day of the week and month written on our whiteboard on the fridge . Here we are together a few weeks ago at my brother , Hugh 's , house . He likes to sleep late in the mornings and I had told him night before last that he could sleep as late as he wished the next morning , because we were not scheduled to go to Knoxville to take my brother anywhere for an appointment . We do go quite often to Knoxville , ususally at least once a week and sometimes twice a week . He accompanies me and never complains about much of anything . Well , yesterday morning , I got up and went out to water the flowers , and to put up a hummingbird pole to hang feeders for them . I also clipped the grass surrounding my roses , then put away the tools and came in to wash and eat breakfast . Then I went in to our bedroom to check on Dub where I thought he would still be sleeping . Lo and behold , he was up putting on his Sunday clothes . I asked him what he was doing and he said , " I 'm getting dressed for church . " I said , " I 'll bet you 're thinking about Marian 's birthday celebration , aren 't you ? " He said , " Yes " and I told him that it was still a few days before that , and that it was Wednesday . You see , Judy is having a celebration of her mother , Marian 's , 90th birthday on Sunday the 27th at a drop in at the church . Marian turned 90 a week ago , and the best time to set the celebration for her friends is this Sunday . Dub has kept the celebration in his mind and doesn 't want to miss it . He quite often gets something on his mind and will question me about it several times . He sometimes no sooner asks a question , than he will ask it again within a few minutes . That is one of the characteristics of dementia . He has been diagnosed as having dementia , of which Alzheimer 's is a form . He hasGrammy Hello , again ! Today is my great grandson , Noah 's , birthday . He is three years old . Isn 't he a darling ? Here is his picture . To read more about him and his 3 siblings , go to : http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / This may seem like a strange subject , but it came to my mind while ago , as I was sitting at the dinner table ( noontime meal ) . The bottom of my foot was itching , and as I scratched at it with my other foot , I happened to remember what Mama used to say when we would say our foot itched . The standard comment was , " You are going to be walking on strange ground . " ( Meaning where we had never walked before ) . Of course , we would start thinking about where that could be . Sometimes , if one of us had an ear that was itching , we would be told that we were going to hear good news . An ear that turned red would mean that someone was talking about us . If a palm of the hand itched , that would indicate that we were going to shake hands with someone , or that we were going to get some money . We really liked that one . Sometimes , while setting the table for a meal , we would accidentally place two like utensils at the same place which if they were knives they would indicate that two men were coming to visit , two spoons indicated two women were coming to visit , and two forks would indicate 2 children . One of our favorite superstitions was when one of us got the hiccoughs . When one got the hiccoughs , it indicated that someone was thinking about us . We would guess a person for each time we hiccoughed , and when we had guessed it , the hiccoughs would stop . Dreams were another thing that were discussed and different things took on special meanings . If we dreamed of snakes , it took on significance if we had killed the snakes or not . If we had killed the snake , then we had defeated an enemy . If not , then an enemy would gain control over us , and that was not good . If we dreamed of water , and it was clear water , it was supposed to portend good . If we dreamed of muddy water , that was not a good dream . Also , " A Saturday night dream , and Sunday morning o ' ertold , always proves true to young and old . " In other words , if one dreams on Saturday night and tells it before breakfast on Sunday , it would come true . You may wonder why we placed so much significaPosted by Howdy , Friends , Just sittin ' here thinkin ' about how summers used to be on the farm here in the most outer reaches of New Market Community . It is raining this evening , and it reminded me of the days that the corn was close to being " laid by " , which means that we didn 't have much else to do to it . Oh , there was some hoeing to do to it , and then there was the tobacco that had to be " wormed " , which consisted of pulling the tobacco worms off , and either stepping on them or throwing them on the hard ground and splatting them . My brother , John , three years younger than I am , would put them on his shirt , where they would stay , fastening themselves on , and then after collecting quite a few , he would then proceed to splat them on the ground . Well , when it was raining during the day , I would hide away in the side room that was on the front of the house , and lie on the army cot that we had in there , and read . Our roof was made of tin , and oh , the sound of the rain on it was so wonderful ! Reading has always been one of my favorite activities , from the time I was in the second grade through tomorrow and tomorrow . Near the end of summer , before school started , was tobacco cutting time . Wooden sticks were gathered for the cutting , and spaced out in the tobacco patch for the " spearing " of the stalks onto the sticks , as each stalk was cut . When we would come to the stick , the person cutting the stalks would put the stick straight up into the ground and then place a metal point on the top of the stick . The stalk would then be cut near the ground and it would be " speared " onto the stick and brought close to the ground . The next stalk would be cut and speared onto the stick , and brought close to the one just placed on it . And so on , until the stick was full , then on to the next stick . Of course , I never got to help in the cutting of the tobacco , because I was a girl and too small . But that is okay , it was hot work anyway , and I never cared too much about working out in the hot sun . Ha . John and I had a lot of fun on the farm as well asPosted by Howdy , You all , I sat on my front porch this afternoon and broke and strung green beans to prepare for our supper this evening . As I sat there , breaking beans , tossing them into a pan , I started thinking about years past when I would help prepare beans for the winter . Sometimes , we would sit for hours , wielding a double - threaded needle , and thread green beans that had been broken onto the string , then they would be hung up to dry . In the wintertime , we would then cook them to eat . They were called leatherbritches , or shuck beans . The name leatherbritches came from the fact that the green part of the bean would toughen up as it dried . I don 't know who first called them leatherbritches , but the name certainly fit , didn 't it ? Have you ever eaten them ? Or have you helped prepare them for the winter ? Speaking of supper , I also fixed some summer yellow crookneck squash , boiled some white potatoes , and sliced tomatoes from our little tomato patch out back of our house . I sliced some fresh cucumbers , and baked some corn meal muffins , and we had a meal fit for a king . Imazo 's sister provided us with the green beans , squash , cucumbers , and a head of cabbage fresh from her garden . Thank you , dear friend ! Well , that is all for today from Blabbin ' Grammy ! It has been a long day , and I really must say good evening . Love to all of you for now . Blabbin ' Grammy signing off . Posted by Today , Dub and I , and Hugh and Imazo went to Madisonville to visit Imazo 's sisters , Dorothy and Barbara who live close to each other . We visited in Dorothy 's home , and Barbara came with her husband , Reath , who is a farmer . What a wonderful time we all had , sitting and talking about times past , and looking at old pictures Dorothy had of family and friends . Imazo and her sisters and brothers grew up in the Madisonville area . The picture above is of ( left to right ) : Imazo , Dorothy , and Barbara . Aren 't they lovely ladies ? I certainly think so . We laughed , enjoying stories that we each were telling and sharing . Barbara 's husband , Reath , is a wonderful storyteller , and tells about things that have happened to him and to others he knew . Barbara and Reath have daughters who are grown and have children . Dorothy lost her only child , Linda , to an illness several years ago , caring for her for many years as an invalid , then lost her husband to illness soon after that . She remarried and lived happily several years with a second husband , only to lose him to diabetes and its side effects . Dorothy also cared for her mother through her time of illness and passing . Dorothy is a very strong individual , who has come through several of life 's trials . The three sisters , Imazo , Dorothy , and Barbara , have another sister , Lois , who lives in Ohio , and at present is in a nursing home taking physical therapy due to a recent stroke . They are hoping to soon see her out of the nursing home and back in her home . While we were visiting today , we had some delicious cake and coffee with them , and we sat on the front porch and talked about how things had changed in the area during the time they have lived there . Dorothy 's home is a wonderful old country house surrounded by all kinds of beautiful flowers that she and her husband planted quite a few years ago . We left with some fresh vegetables , provided by Barbara and Reath , and intend to have several meals from them : yellow squash , green beans , cabbage , and cucumbers . Yum ! We left around mid afternoon , Grammy Howdy , Readers ! I want to share how this day was spent . Yesterday was the 90th birthday of my friend , Marian . Since I could not spend yesterday with her , we went out to lunch together , with her daughter , Judy , who is also a dear friend of ours , and whom I knew before I knew Marian . Marian moved to East Tn . from Florida a few years ago , into a house that is just a few doors up from Judy and Gene . Quite often , we share meals with Judy , Gene , Marian , and Mark and Allie . Sometimes we eat at Gene and Judy 's , sometimes with Marian , sometimes with Mark and Allie . The seven of us love to get together and share food and fellowship . Sometimes we play a board game or dominoes . We always have a really great time . Judy , Marian , and I went to a lovely little eating place that used to be a tea room . They are no longer called a tea room , but still serve the same wonderful fare . After we ate , we ordered dessert , but could not eat it all , so , of course , we got the " to go " boxes . The dessert really needed ice cream , so we decided to take it home and add the ice cream . Judy 's granddaughters , Tori and Marti , beautiful little girls and so well behaved , came to Judy 's home for the rest of today and tomorrow . So before we picked up the ice cream , we all decided to do some shopping and went to Big Lots . We stopped then at the grocery store and picked up the ice cream , and went back to Marian 's house , where we added the ice cream to the chocolate lava cake dessert , and we chowed down . As you can see , nothing spectacular happened today , but we had a wonderful time chatting , eating , and just generally kicking back . Judy 's grandchildren ( and , of course , Marian 's great grandchildren ) really love to draw pictures . They each have a sketch book provided by Marian , that they can draw in when they are at Marian 's . The sketch books will be wonderful keepsakes , and Judy has them date each picture with the day 's date . My husband had a wonderful day of peace and quiet where he could just kick back and do whatever he pleased and eat whatever he chose to . Posted by Howdy , Life on the farm settled into a routine , as most lives do , when there is repetition of duties , and chores . In February of 1948 , we learned what setting out a tobacco bed was like . The ground had to be prepared . Then there was the sowing of millions of tiny , tiny seeds . The plot was surrounded by what looked like small round logs , and then covered with a thin cloth called canvas . It was cold - cold - cold in the biting wind , but it had to be done . It was in February just after we had moved to New Market , when one Sunday afternoon we got word that my dad 's mother had passed away that morning in her sleep . One of dad 's brothers came out to the farm to tell us . So we had to make the trip in to Knoxville to attend the wake ( which was held in her home , with the casket in her living room ) and then for the funeral . The picture here is of her . I will soon do a post on just her . I entertained the kids that were there by telling them silly stories , which I made up on the spot . It also entertained one of my dad 's sisters who was sometimes not quite right mentally , so she was easily entertained . I think it was then that I discovered my penchant for telling stories . Life on the farm could be fun as well as difficult . My sister , Margaret , and I would often sing together while doing the chore of dishwashing . Since we had no sink inside the house , we had to do dishes in dishpans . We had to heat the water on the cook stove in the kitchen , and then we stood at the kitchen table to wash and rinse and dry the dishes . I absolutely hated doing the dishes , and about the time she got them washed and put in the other pan , I would have to run down to the outhouse , and hope that they would be done by the time I got back . Sometimes , she took pity on me , and finished them . Sometimes , she did not . Oh , well , I thought , at least I tried . We would sing songs like , " Bringing in the Sheaves " and " Old Black Joe " and " Heavenly Sunshine " , " Kneel at the Cross " . When we first moved out here , there were several outbuildings . One of them was a " potato Posted by Howdy , You All , I thought I would write a little bit about our early days out on the farm , when we first moved into the country at New Market , back in December of 1947 . We had moved from Knoxville , and it was quite an eye - opener for John and I , because we didn 't remember a lot of life as it had occured in Possum Valley when I was in my very early years , and John was even younger . Now , we were 14 and 11 years old , respectively , and everything was a whole new ball game from living in Knoxville for the past 6 or 7 years . Out here , in New Market , in our house there was no electricity , no running water , and of course , no indoor bathroom . We just had 3 and ! / 2 rooms and a path . The water came from a cistern on the back porch , and in the summertime , it often went dry and we had to carry water from our nearest neighbor about a half mile away . The water in the cistern was actually rain water that ran into the cistern when it rained . We also had water barrels at the end of the house . We used that water to wash our hair and to take our Saturday night baths . Yes , that is when we bathed . We " cleaned up " in a wash basin during the week . The day we moved , we rode out to the farm in the mover 's truck , and it was raining . The farm looked desolate in the rain , and the house looked more like a shack than a house . ( actually , it was . ha . ) We moved on a weekend , and I was half way through ninth grade , and John was half way through sixth grade . We went to school on the following Monday , and met the other children . I am sure they looked on us as " city kids " . We both had a lot of catching up to do , because the kids were way ahead of us in the schoolbooks . When we would come home in the evenings it was already nearly darktime , and we would have to study by lamplight at the kitchen table . No radio to study by , as we had done in Knoxville , listening to " Terry and The Pirates " and " The Lone Ranger " and " Jack Armstrong , the all - American Boy " . I soon gained a reputation at school for being smart , because I had to study so hard to pass the semesterGrammy I have a dear friend named Dot . She is a longtime friend . We went to Carson - Newman College together in the early 1960 's . She and I were buddies for three years . I graduated and then we lost track of each other . Here is a picture of Dot and her granddaughter , Alison , at my church 's Festival of Tables . When we were both freshmen , she could not afford to go home over Thanksgiving , so I invited her to my home , because I lived just a few miles away from Jefferson City , where C - N is located . A few years ago , she started trying to find me , and finally , just a month or so after we moved back from Florida , ( two years ago ) she talked to a friend that we have in common , who knew that my last name had changed since Dot knew me , told her my last name , and she called me . How very wonderfully surprised I was , and still am , that she had found me . I have thought of Dot many times over the years since we had seen each other , wondering what had happened to her , and what she was doing . We both got our degrees in teaching and she went back to her hometown in south central Tennessee and got married , had a child and taught for many years . What a wonderful time we had when we saw each other again . We shared pictures , stories , and laughed over many things . I discovered when we saw each other , that she was suffering from diabetes . I know what she was going through , because my husband is a long - time diabetic . Last year , I invited her to our Festival of Tables that we have each spring at our church and she came . The Festival of Tables is a time that the ladies of our church get together to have a good time together . Different ladies who choose to , decorate a table with a theme of their choice and invite 7 other ladies to sit at their table and enjoy the food , fellowship , and hear an interesting speaker that we always have . Dot graced us with her presence again this year , and brought her granddaughter , Alison , with her . We talk occasionally and also e - mail one another . Recently , Dot has had to begin dialysis , and has been doing that successfulPosted by Howdy , Friends , How are you all doing today ? We have been to Knoxville , visiting with my brother , Hugh , and taking him to see one of his several doctors . As you may know , the older we get , the more doctors we are priviledged to see . His health is certainly not getting any better , but is kind of holding his own against congestive heart failure and some of the accompanying ailments that go along with it . Other appointments are coming up soon . Do you dream ? Is it in black and white or technicolor ? Mine are always in technicolor , and I dream every night , sometimes in the afternoon , if I take a nap , I may dream . Last night 's dreams were of my sister , Margaret , and we were doing some kind of project with kids . I think I was teaching ( my occupation when I worked ) in the school library . Somehow or other , I can 't escape dreaming about teaching school or the work I did in the school library . Isn 't that funny ? What do you dream about ? What kind of television do you watch ? Or do you watch ? I love Game Show Network because sometimes it challenges me and I can answer questions right along with the contestants . We got new gravel delivered and deposited on our long dirt driveway . It still has to be evened out , and Mark has said someone would be coming over to take care of it for us . What a wonderful friend and landlord he is ! Tomorrow is another day , and Dub and I are headed in to Knoxville to take Hugh to his family doctor for a regular checkup and then we will all go out for a meal . If there is one thing we do well together , it is eat and have fellowship . God bless you all , and have a good evening . I think I will just go take a little afternoon nap , and see what good things I can dream up . Bye for now from Blabbin ' Grammy til tomorrow . Howdy , You - All , Every once in awhile , things just kind of don 't turn out the way you would hope for , and you just gotta get feelin 's out in the open . Well , this past week has kind of had a few things happen like that , and here goes ! First off , Wednesday was a trial for me , what with sittin ' so long in the nice Big Chair at the dentist 's office . Like I said before , he was just as nice ( along with his assistants ) as could be , but I had some repercussions from the firm grip he had ( and needed to have ) on my chin for such a long time . I could joke and say he was just trying to keep me from jumping out of the Big Chair . He did , however leave a little bruise on my chin which did not show up until a couple of days later , and then yesterday , fully developed into the bruise on my chin , evidenced in the picture you see at the top of my post . Now , since I am not a raving beauty , it really doesn 't matter enough to rant and rave . In fact , hardly anyone at church this morning said anything about it . You know that people notice , but are too polite to comment . Second bad - mouthin ' is my ongoing battle with AT & T . Yep , got a new bill , and sure enough , they hadn 't taken off the charge for high - speed internet for last of May and all of June , but added the charge for July ! Goin ' to have to call them tomorrow and rip a strip of hide from someone 's skin . Politely , of course . No bad language . Third bad - mouthin ' : We went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch today , the second time in two weeks . ( Went last Sunday as well , and the steak my husband ordered last week was tough , they replaced it with a second tough one ) . Dub always orders coffee to drink , but as many coffee drinkers , he likes it hot . Well , needless to say , it was like strong luke - warm ditchwater . Sent it back . Back a new cup came , just as cold as the first . Four times it was brought and still not hot . I am talking luke - warm here . The meat in my chicken pot pie was tough and dry . I did not send it back , but we have ex - d off Ruby Tuesday 's from our list of acceptable and preferred eating places . NPosted by Hey there , You All , Isn 't it wonderful when you can get up to clean dishes without doing a lot of the work ? No , little Brownies who cleaned house in the childhood fairy tales did not clean them . Instead , I had two dinner guests and an automatic dishwasher that did the job . Yes , we had friends over to have supper with us last evening and we sat around and just talked for about two and a half hours following supper . We usually play dominoes after eating , but we continued our supper conversation on into the evening , about first one thing and another . The friends who came over are two couples , Mark and Allie , and Gene and Judy and her mom , Marian . I know you have already read how I take Marian out for lunch fairly often . She will be 90 in about a week or so . So we had a very congenial group of seven people eating supper together . I had made a couple of large bowls of a pasta dish , made up of hot cooked macaroni , mixed together with hot spaghetti sauce , some chopped up cooked pork tenderloin , and topped with grated cheeses ( Mexican 4 cheeses found in packages at grocery store ) then placed into the oven until cheese is thoroughly melted . ( When we started serving , Gene asked , " Who are the other 7 people who are going to be eating with us ? " ) I had also made a big plate of deviled eggs , and Judy brought a pan of freshly cooked beets , and prepared at my home a pan of tender crisp zucchini . She had sliced the zucchini into small chunks , put two tablespoons of olive oil into the pan , along with a large sweet onion which she caramelized over high heat , then added the zucchini and kept it stirred until cooked just tender crisp . It was delicious ! To accompany the pasta dish , I had toasted some garlic bread , and Voila ' , we had supper . Following supper , Mark and Gene took the second bowl of pasta to a nearby Samaritan House where homeless people live . While we ladies waited , we cleaned up the dishes , and just talked and laughed , having a great time . When the guys came back , I took out the dessert which I had prepared 24 hours previously . Posted by Tomorrow is a special day for a special little girl . Her name is Elizabeth Maria - Vanessa and she is our great granddaughter who was born in Guatemala and adopted by my grandson , Pastor Daniel and his wife , Whitney and their other 3 children . They all compose a family unit of six . They call her Ellie , and she is loved passionately by all of us . Her adoption became final in January of this year . She has made great strides in becoming Americanized . Gramps and I have yet to see her in person , and are looking forward to the occasion ! If you would like to see her picture and those of her brothers and sister , ( and her parents ) , go to http : / / waiting4number4 . blogspot . com / and you will be able to read all about them and their adoption journey , and the rest of it since then . In case you are wondering how I got the name Grammy , it was almost by accident . Our great grandchildren have quite a few sets of grand parents and great grandparents , so we were trying to decide what they could call us to identify us apart from all the others . I suggested that we could be called Granny and Gramps . One of the boys heard me say Granny and thought I said Grammy . I thought , " wow , that is even better than Granny " so I became Grammy to them . So here is our wish to you , Dear Ellie ! We wish you the happiest birthday tomorrow , and many happy returns of the day ! We love you . . and hope to see you next month sometime . Grammy and Gramps Howdy , Friends , I 'm just a country girl at heart , because I spent a lot of time growing up in country surroundings . I also love country music , and grew up in the era of the Mid - day Merry - Go - Round Radio program on WNOX radio in the 1940 's . One could hear the music and talk from that program while walking around anywhere in our neighborhood around noon time till one o ' clock in the afternoon because back then , no one had air conditioning and all the windows in houses were wide open . One could hear people playing musical instruments ( mostly guitar and mandolin , and the fiddle ) , and singing country music . Lowell Blanchard was the emcee and would joke around with the people on the show . Singers like Molly Bee and Hotshot Elmer could be heard every day , along with Homer and Jethro who were a comic act and also sang . There were others that I can 't remember . It has been too long . I remember a lot of the lyrics of songs that I learned in the war years , while my brothers were in the service . One of them was called , " The Letter Edged in Black " , which was about a mother who had died and a letter was sent to her son , to tell him about it . Another was about a boy who had died in the war and it started out with the words , " The postman delivered a letter , it filled her dear heart with joy , but she didn 't know til she read the insides , it was the last one from her darling boy . " My mom knew a whole slew of sad songs and she would sing them for us . One was called , " Put My Little Shoes Away . " This was about a little boy who was sick and told his mother to give his toys to his playmates , but not his shoes . Another was " Please Mr . Conductor " about a boy who was rushing home to see his mother before God took her away , and he didn 't have the money to pay for his ticket . He pleads with the conductor not to throw him off the train . She also sang one about the Knoxville Girl who was killed by a cruel man named Leo Frank . She sang another about two little children who died in the snow , because they had no home and their mother was dead . Then tGrammy Well , believe it or not , I survived the three and a half hours in the dentist 's chair today . Yes , it was nerve - wracking , but then it always is . Not the dentist 's fault by any means , because he is a lovely , caring person who goes out of his way to make it as pleasant an experience as possible . Let me tell you of some of my experiences from an early age sitting in the " Big Chair " . I think possibly I may have gotten off on the wrong foot , so to speak , with dentists . My first memory of going to the dentist was when I was about six years old . I had a tooth that was hurting me , and so my mom said to dad , " Well , Jim , I guess you had better take her to the dentist . " So my Uncle Oney came over and took us in his car to the dentist 's office . We got to the Medical Arts Building in Knoxville where the dentist 's office was located . We went up in the elevator ( my first ride in one ) and I was already nervous from that experience . My stomach felt like it didn 't come up with us . Then on into the dentist 's office where I looked around and didn 't see any friendly faces . I did hear a kid hollering " no , no , no , " from another room . I looked up into my dad 's face , and he just smiled at me . Into the dentist 's office we walked in a few minutes , I with great trepidation . He ushered me over to the big chair sitting in the center of the little room . It had a tray with all kinds of stuff on it . He asked me to open my mouth , and I did ( because I was a very obedient child at that time ) . The dentist then reached into my mouth and felt around . I looked up at him , and saw that he was looking out the window . I said , " You are not even looking into my mouth ! " He told me in no uncertain terms that he knew exactly what he was doing , and didn 't have to look in there . Well ! That was it for me . As far as I was concerned , he was a smart alec . He then put some stuff on my tooth , and pulled it . That finished it - - I decided right then that no more trips to the dentist . Ha ! Several years later , when I was the mother of a six year old , and a 3 year old , ( age 25 ) I Grammy Howdy , Friends ! I 'll bet that you , as an e - mailer , get lots of " forwards " , don 't you ? I know I certainly do . Sometimes I read them all , sometimes , I don 't . I really enjoy reading them when I have the time and inclination . I also send them on sometimes . I love the jokes , especially the dumb blonde ones , ( Please forgive me if you are blonde and object to them - I know a person doesn 't have to be blonde to exhibit dumbness , it is so simple anybody can do it ) . I also like the inspirational ones - sometimes someone sends me music that is beautiful . Yesterday , I received this one , and I thought , " I know this one has been around before , but it says so much and says it so well , I am going to post it on my blog tomorrow . " So here it is : LEMONS AND SUGAR This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day . You may not realize it , but it is 100 % true . 1 . There are at least two people in this world that you would die for . 2 . At least 15 people in this world love you in some way . 3 . The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you . 4 . A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone , even if they don 't like you . 5 . Every night , SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep . 6 . You mean the world to someone . 7 . You are special and unique . 8 . Someone that you don 't even know exists loves you . 9 . When you make the biggest mistake ever , something good comes from it . 10 . When you think the world has turned its back on you , take another look . 11 . Always remember the compliments you received . Forget about the rude remarks . 12 . And always remember . . . . when life hands you Lemons , ask for Sugar and call me over ! Good friends are like stars . You don 't always see them , But you know they are always there . I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I am here , Than a whole truckload when I am gone . Happiness keeps you Sweet , Trials keep you Strong , Sorrows keep you Human , Life keeps you Humble , Success keeps you Glowing , But only God keeps you Going . Well , friendGrammy Greetings on this overcast , rainy day ! We went to visit my brother , Hugh , and his wife , Imazo , today , and to carry them , along with our oldest brother 's widow , Mae , who is almost 89 and still getting around really well , to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel , which we try to do at least once a week . We got to talking about when Mae met Bill , my oldest brother . It seems that Bill and she met on the steps of a church there in Knoxville back in the late 1930 's . Bill was dating a friend of Mae 's , and decided to kind of keep looking around . Bill was only 17 years old at the time , and Mae was also 17 , but he told her that he was 22 , and she says he looked older than 17 , so she believed him . He wore a dark suit , and a black hat , and looked the age he said he was . Well , that particular evening , they had been to a revival at one of the churches , but not together . She was with her girl friend , that Bill had been dating and he met them there on the steps . It would seem that once he saw Mae , he was really taken with her , and he asked if he could walk her home . She said yes , and that was the beginning of their courtship . After courting for some time , they decided to get married , and she had to get her dad to sign for her to get married , and she was surprised when Bill said he had to get his dad to sign for him . She said , " but you 're 22 and don 't need him to sign for you " . He said , " well , actually , yes , I do , because I 'm the same age as you are . " Mae and Bill rode in the back of her dad 's old truck , freezing nearly to death in the falling snow , and her dad had a flat tire on the truck , but he got them to her brother 's house till he could get the tire fixed . They went to get our dad to sign for Bill and Dad was in the middle of killing hogs . It was late in the year and was snowing . Dad was so mad , because he had to quit what he was doing and go sign for them to get married . Mae and Bill shared a love of baseball and they both worked at the Smokey 's stadium in Knoxville selling hot dogs and popcorn , and also picking up bottles and cleanPosted by I 'd like to tell you a little more about my family during the time that I was about 5 and 6 years old . We moved from Knoxville to a place we called ' Possum Valley . It was located in the area known as Concord , TN . When we moved to ' Possum Valley , we moved into a log cabin belonging to my dad 's mother . It was a two room cabin , with a loft . Some of my earliest memories come from those years . The walls of the cabin were papered with old newspapers to keep the cold air out . There were 8 people who lived in that cabin , and sometimes more . ( Believe it or not ! ) My oldest brother , Bill , got married when we were living in that cabin , and brought his bride , my oldest sister - in - law , Mae , to live there . To say that it was crowded would be an understatement . But we had some wonderful times in that cabin . My mom loved to tell ghost stories to us when the wind would be blowing outside and we would gather around her near the fireplace and plead with her to " tell us another one . " Although my brother , Bill , has been gone for 22 years , his wife , Mae , is still with us , and we often talk about those days in ' Possum Valley . We younger children entertained ourselves by reading the comics that were plastered to the walls . My youngest brother , John , was still in diapers when we moved there . There were two churches that we lived close to . We would go to Sunday School in one of them , and walk down the road to the other one for Sunday School because they began a little bit after the first one let out . ( At least that is what my brother and sister told me ) . I remember some of the walking but not too much about the sunday school classes . We walked to school which was called Boyd School and was a one - room schoolhouse , divided by a partition into two classrooms . A lady teacher taught the primer through 3rd grades , and the principal , who was a man , taught the other 5 classes . That was the school that my sister had to repeat 8th grade so that she could watch over me in the primer and first grade . The primer was taught the first half of the year , and tPosted by Blogs are so much fun ! If you enjoy a blog entry , and would like to leave a comment , notice that at the bottom of each blog entry is are the words , " 0 comments " or " 2 comments " , reflecting how many comments people have made . Sometimes people comment on the entry , sometimes they even comment on each other 's comments ! Some polite rules for comments are no unkind words , say nice or humorous things or refrain from commenting , no profanity ( which I wouldn 't expect out of my friends , anyway ! ) , and don 't use other people 's last names , because some folks don 't like their names made public . To comment , just click on the " 0 comments " line , and it will take you to a place to comment . Write your comment in the space they provide . Then you have to " log in " . If you don 't have a google account , just click on the link to getting an account . It 's free . . . . will not cost you anything at all . After you write your comment and sign in , say , " Publish your comment " , and you 've blogged ! Enjoy !

I went into the house as quietly as I could , expecting that Avery would be resting on the little bed in the corner . He was not there . I saw Benjamin was sleeping soundly in his daybed . Where did Avery go ? I was still shaking from my encounter with this intruder . Avery 's brother ! How could that be ? It couldn 't be . I have been with his whole family many , many times and I have never heard anyone speak of a missing brother . You would think they would mention him from time to time if he wasn 't present . Wouldn 't Avery have told me about his older brother if he had one ? No , this guy is trying to trick me . I picked up the rifle to make sure it was ready if I needed to use it . All of a sudden I heard a sound , a creak on the cellar stair ! I jumped up and cocked the rifle , when the cellar door opened , I had my gun aimed on it . When the door opened , there was Avery ! With his arms full of winter squash , " Rachel ! What are you doing ? " Avery looked down at the rifle , " That is the rifle that we keep in the barn . Why is it in the house ? Is there something you aren 't telling me ? " He set the vegetables down on the counter and looked at me , " Come on Rachel , tell me what 's going on . I am not an invalid here . " From the look on his face I knew I had to tell him about this bum . " Avery , I did not want to worry you . Please sit down and I will tell you what is wrong . " " When I went out to the barn this morning , Peanut led me to the wagon on the path where I had those men put it that brought you home . There was a bum sleeping in it . I went back to the barn and got this gun because I thought he might be one of those outlaws ' friends who have come for you with revenge on his mind . " " Yes , he was still there and woke up when he heard Peanut growl . He says for me to tell you that he is your brother . Your older brother , Jacob Longworth . " I looked at Avery to see what his reaction might be to that news . He looked up sharply when I said that , " I told him you did not have an older brother and especially one that I did not know or you would have told me before this . " I looked at him sternly , waiting to see what he 'd say . I now had the feeling that this bum was telling the truth , that he was in fact , Avery 's brother . But how could that be ? " He slept in our barn . Took our apples to eat and was looking at the horses . Maybe he is one of those horse thieving Loomises . " Avery shook his head , " I won 't be needing that . " and he walked out the door . I watched him head down the path . He didn 't look like he had been injured now . He looked like he was eager to meet up with his so called brother . I didn 't know what to think . What if that bum was really his brother ? A Longworth ? He didn 't look like one of them and I can 't believe no one ever mentioned him before . If Avery was in such a hurry to get down there to talk to him , he must be his brother . Jacob . I have been doing most of the chores for awhile Avery is recovering from his ordeal . In some ways it has been good for us . Not that he was missing , assaulted and hurt . Now that he is recovering and has to stay inside most of the time taking it easy , he is getting to know his son . When I go out to the barn in the morning he is caring for Benjamin . They are getting closer . I can see Benjamin look for him when I am bathing him . This way I can take my time out in the barn . It is too cold to take Benjamin out there with me . This morning Peanut came running to me excited about something . He wanted to show me something . So I followed him down the path . There was a man sleeping in the freight wagon ! He was dressed a little shabby and had an untrimmed beard . What should I do ? I could not go tell Avery because he could not walk out here right now . Who is he ? Could he possibly be one of those outlaws ' family or friends coming for revenge on Avery ? I motioned to Peanut to be quiet and I backed up to the barn . There is a loaded rifle in there , so I grabbed it and cocked it and slowly walked back down the path to the wagon and the sleeping guest . He stirred a little and I could see he looked a little older than Avery . I pointed the rifle at him , and Peanut started growling . He awoke with a start , " What the . . . . . . . . . . . . Hey lady , be careful where you point that thing ! " He sat up and I kept the gun right on him . He rubbed his eyes , " Who are you missy ? " I thought I heard him wrong , " What do you mean ? Little brother ? My husband does not have an older brother . You better tell me who you are before I pull this trigger . I am a crack shot . I grew up shooting squirrels . " I kept my finger on the trigger in case he tried to come at me . " Anyone would know our names . Especially if they were coming to rob us . " I held the gun steady with a good grip , but hoping I would not have to shoot this man . " I will just sit back down here and wait . What have you got to lose ? " With that he sat back down on the wagon seat . " By the way , Missy , what is your name ? " " It is not Missy . " I was undecided what to do . I knew I did not want Avery to try to come out here in the cold . Not in his present condition . If he knew someone was out here , he might try to . It could be a trap to get him to come out . " You 've got a big barrel of them in the barn . Mighty good too . Nice horses you 're keeping in there . Are they boarded ? " " None of your business about our horses . You stay there and I 'll see what my husband has to say . " I turned on my heel and walked up the path back to the house with Peanut at my side . Avery and I have been together ever since he was brought home seven days ago . I hardly dare to leave him . When he falls asleep , I go outside to do some chores . Clean the chicken coop , clean the horses ' stalls , feed them all , carry in some water , then some firewood . Then when I get back inside , usually Benjamin is fussing a little in his bed . I get him up and change him , feed and then heat water for his bath . When all that is done , I start thinking about what to prepare for our food . I have been making soups and stews so it is easier for Avery to eat . Right now I just put the broth in his dish and spoon feed him . He does not like this at all . I can tell it bothers him that I am feeding him , but he can 't hold the spoon or a cup . This is what has to be done , and he better get used to until he gets better . Ruth stopped in this morning . She was anxious about Avery 's condition . I told her he doesn 't want to see anyone and he is really in bad shape . She left me some oranges she had brought in for her restaurant in the hotel . I know they cost her a lot of money but she would not take anything for it . It is her way to do something for Avery . I will make him some orange juice today and see if that will help . We sat in the kitchen and she held Benjamin . He was happy and smiling and made us both laugh and forget our problems for awhile . After she left I made some vanilla pudding for a surprise for Avery . Maybe something sweet will taste good to him and it is full of fresh eggs and milk . Avery woke up and sat up for awhile and sat with him and just talked told him what was going on while he was gone . He seemed very distant to me . Not like his old self . I brought Benjamin in and thought he would cheer him up , but Avery seemed more troubled . I know he is always used to being in control and this whole thing has been hard for him to accept . I put Benjamin down for the night and went to sit by Avery , I thought he was asleep , but he was awake . I said , " Avery , I know this is a hard thing you have gone through . I know you are still in pain , but you are healing . Is there anything more I can do for you ? " He looked at me very seriously and studied me for a minute , " Rachel , I feel I have let you down . I let Hank Garrison down when I lost his load of goods . I have let my son , Benjamin down . " " Avery Longworth ! Don 't you ever say that again ! " I was angry and I knew my eyes were blazing , " You have never let us or anyone else down in your life . One man cannot take on a whole band of outlaws . Yes , they got the freight but you got the horses and wagon back , did you not ? " " Yes , but I still lost the freight . I figure I will have to swallow that loss and give him his money back . It is just not right for him to pay for something he did not receive . He paid me in advance you know . " " I know . But we could have used that money . I wanted to do some things around here to make it nice and homey for you . You deserve a nice house , Rachel . " " I have a nice house . I do not need things bought for me . All I want is my husband to get well and back to normal . I really don 't want my husband leaving home and being gone for so long . " " Well , you know I have to earn a living . That is why we have a big house and a big barn and first class horses . I have never wanted to be scrounging for food and other expenses . " " Avery , you are only one man . You cannot do it all . For now you have two other drivers . While you are recovering how about hiring another driver to take over for you ? I can send a note to Mr . Garrison to tell him we will return the money . " I laughed out loud , " Avery , you know I don 't ! You know me better than that . I will take care of this . I think I know someone who might like that job . " " Avery ! You are recovering and I might hurt you , " I said , but was secretly pleased that he seemed interested in me so soon . I had missed his touch . I smiled at him and thought to myself , " this is my Avery . I do believe he will recover from this even though it is a painful recovery . " I had an idea though that this job might be just the thing for my brother , Kenneth , who seems to be getting bored with our family farm . Last time he was here he told me there was a girl he was interested in . Maybe a job like this would help him out and help us out . Avery can run the freight lines from home but pay the drivers to deliver the goods . Yes , I can help him out with this . Copyright © 2010 Kathleen G . Lupole Avery was brought home by two men driving a large wagon . One man drove our freight wagon pulled by our horses . The other man drove Avery who was too weak and beaten up to drive . A doctor had bandaged him all up . I caught myself from showing how I felt when they pulled up . Nobody had told me he was in such bad shape . He had been beaten up very badly , and had been stabbed with a knife by one of the men who robbed him . He smiled faintly at me , " Oh my , Rachel honey , you are the best thing I have seen since I left here ! " He tried to get up out of the wagon but fell over . I ran to the wagon , " Avery , you are hurt , " I felt his pain as I saw it on his face . He tried to smile again , but I could see he was in worse shape than I imagined . The man who was driving his wagon came over , and helped the other one support Avery , to get him out of the wagon . I led the way up the front steps , " Bring him here , " I opened the door and led them into the front room . They put him down on the small bed that is in the corner of the room . It was the bed Avery used before we got married . I looked at him and saw his eyes were closed , his face was swollen and purple in some spots . I turned my attention to the men , " Thank you for bringing my husband home to me . I didn 't know what to expect just that he was on his way home . The letter I received didn 't say anything about him being injured . " One of the men spoke up , " Mrs . Longworth , you are lucky to see your husband alive . He was beaten up and left for dead . His freight was stolen and so was his wagon and horses . " " Do you know what happened ? How did you get his horses and wagon back ? " I motioned to the chairs at the table in the kitchen , " Would you care for some coffee and a bite to eat ? I 've got a venison stew on the stove right now . " The other man perked right up , " Why yes ma ' am , Mrs . Longworth ! I could go for some coffee . And the venison stew sounds right good , about now . I 'm starving ! " The other man , Gordon Gleason answered for him , " Mrs . Longworth , your husband was beaten so badly , I believe those outlaws thought he was dead for sure . If some Indians hadn 't come along and found him , he would have never made it . They took him to their camp and nursed him , and when he finally came to , they fed him . " " Went looking for them ? Like that ? " I motioned toward Avery on the bed who appeared to be sleeping soundly . He didn 't appear to me to be able to go looking for anyone in that shape . " Well , he wasn 't quite so bad off then . When they met up with the outlaws , he again got another beating . Many Hunts was able to overcome them , and those outlaws will not be attacking anyone ever again . " " I need to get a doctor out here for my husband . When you go through town , could you stop at the hotel and ask for Ruth . Tell her what has happened and that we need a doctor out here as soon as possible . She 'll know what to do . " " No ma ' am . The sheriff paid us in advance for it . I would love it if you would wrap up some of them biscuits you had left over there , to eat later on the trail . " Al replied . Later , after the doctor had been here and had examined Avery , he said he 'd heal , but it 'd take some time . I sat holding Benjamin on my lap and watching Avery sleep . He had awoken for a brief time , and I fed him some stew broth with a spoon . He hardly spoke , but I could see his love for us in his eyes . He could barely move without moaning in pain . He had to get up to go relieve himself and that was an ordeal in itself . Now he was back sleeping , and Benjamin had woke up hungry , so I fed him . He was falling asleep . I should be tired but I could not sleep . I could only look at Avery laying there . My husband . The man I loved with all my heart , and I almost lost him . I prayed to the Lord , " Oh Lord , thank you for bringing my husband back to me . Please protect the man who saved him , Many Hunts , an Indian . I don 't really know many Indians , but this one saved Avery so please protect him and his family . Please help me to take care of Avery and get through this . I know he is in so much pain . Please heal him and make him well soon . In Jesus 's Name , I ask you to hear my prayer . Amen . After I came in from checking on the horses and locking up the barn , I put some more wood on the fire , and moved some cushions on the floor next to Avery 's bed . I grabbed a quilt from the cabinet and laid down on the cushions . I would sleep next to Avery right here . That way I could keep an eye on him and keep the fire going all night . Benjamin was in his daybed and Peanut was on the rug . My family was safe for the night . Today , I just about gave up hope . I was so tired of the waiting and not knowing . Then a man rode up here with a letter . He said it was very important and he 'd wait for a reply if needed . It was from the marshal in Pennsylvania . It read : I have good news for you . Your husband has been located and accounted for . He has asked me to contact you and let you know that he is okay and will be making the return trip home immediately . He is coming home ! He is alive ! I started jumping up and down . The man stood there waiting . I said , " I am sorry , I didn 't catch your name ? " " That 's good news , Mrs . Longworth . The whole town has been worried . Talked about sending a posse after him . Everyone around here likes Mr . Longworth . " Yes , no need for a posse now . Max , are you hungry ? I 've got a pan of ham and eggs waiting to be eaten . My brother was supposed to come and never showed up . My sister , Esther is in the house and finishing our breakfast . Would you like to join us ? " " No thanks , ma 'm . I 've got to get back . Good news on your husband 's return , " and with that he swung up on his horse and took off . I hurried inside to tell my sister . She 'd be be happy to hear the good news . So would Benjamin . I ran up the stairs and Esther looked up to see what was my hurry . She looked at my face and could tell I had good news , " What is it Rachel ? What have you heard ? " " All I know is this , " I handed it to Esther and she read it . I looked over at Benjamin who was just waking up , " Benjamin , your Daddy is coming home . . . . . . . . soon ! " I smiled as I got my plate of food and moved my chair closer to his daybed . " Well , you won 't be . From what I understand you are marrying a lawyer . Nice and safe . " I smiled , not sure of how Esther felt on her upcoming marriage . " I barely remember him . He was older than us . Like Avery . Besides being a book worm has led to him becoming a lawyer . He 'll probably support you pretty good Esther . " " He 's a law clerk , not a lawyer . It 's not like he is a man like Avery . I 'll be stuck living in town the rest of my life . " " Esther , it might not be that bad living in town . It 's just that we never have , so we don 't think we 'd like it . But Avery 's family lives in Norwich . Right in town . His sister Margaret lives in town and she loves it . My friend Ruth lives in town and seems quite happy there . " " Maybe . I am scared of marrying him . Scared of what to say to him . I mean what do you say to a lawyer ? " She looked over at Benjamin and smiled , " Then I look at Benjamin and think , Lord , I could have a baby of my own just like him next year . " " That 's right . I was scared to marry Avery too . Really scared that first night after the wedding . I was scared of being alone with him . Now , I love our time alone . Like Mother and Father are . Just wait and you 'll see , " that made me think again of Avery . He is not dead and he is on his way home to me and Benjamin . Thank you Lord , I thought silently . Avery 's parents came here today . They are beside themselves with worry . His father , Mr . Longworth wants to ride to that area himself . His mother wants him to wait till we hear something more , then get together a posse to go look for him . Mrs . Longworth held Benjamin after I finished feeding him . She said he looks exactly like Avery did as an infant . He fell asleep in her arms and she didn 't want me to take him . I felt I had to be strong for them . I told them that Avery will be home . I feel it . I feel that he is alive and will be coming back to us soon . About an hour after they left , my parents arrived . They were upset and rushed into my arms . Esther was with them . She said , " I brought my clothes I am staying here with you until Avery is back . " Mother nodded , " Rachel , don 't argue . Esther is staying because I won 't have you here alone . Or else I will stay with you myself . " " Not yet . Father , I am scared . I really love Avery . I know I was not crazy about getting married when you sprung this marriage on me . But . . . . . . . . . . I have fallen in love with him . I can 't lose him now , " I burst into tears and he held me for a few minutes till I stopped . Mother spoke up , still holding Benjamin , " Rachel , we have to think positive . If you think he has had harm come to him , then he may . If you keep believing that he is safe and was able to get away from anyone attacking him , then that is what will be . Remember it is your faith , and what you believe , is what will be . " I nodded and wiped my tears away , " I was trying to think that Mother . It is hard though with no word . " I went to her and took Benjamin out of her arms and laid him down in his daybed , " How about some food ? I have plenty of that and can 't eat it all myself . Father ? Esther , come help me . " I felt better taking charge of myself and my house . Later after Mother and Father had left , Esther and I sat in the kitchen drinking tea and eating cookies that Mother had brought for me . We were talking about things we had done as children and memories we had . Then Esther remember something I hadn 't thought of in years , " Rachel , remember the time Grandfather was missing ? He was gone for over two months ? " I finished the story for her excitedly , remembering that time when we were all mourning for our grandfather . He could be gruff with everyone , but would sneak me a piece of peppermint candy when nobody was looking , " He had hit his head on a rock when his horse had gotten spooked and threw him off . When he awoke he just turned around and walked toward home . Took him weeks . Never asked for help from anyone . "

An odd thing has happened a few times since my dad passed away . Before he went , I asked him to send me a sign that he was OK . The evening after he died , a pretty moth turned up flying around my living room . It was mid - November - not exactly moth season , and we had not had windows open for a couple of months . DH tried to shoo it out the door , but it did not want to be sent out . I had a weird feeling about it , so I told him to stop and let it be . It went and landed on a wall hanging my dad gave me . It stayed there a couple of days and left . Now today , my mom called me and said she had the same kind of moth at her house . The moth kept flying low over a rug that was my dad 's , then settled calmly on her arm and was sitting there for a long time . His birthday is this coming week . I have lived here for 10 years now and never seen moths in the house in winter time . It 's kind of a big one with brown and orangey markings on the wings . It 's so odd . We all think it 's him somehow sending us a sign . Though he and I in particular were not the type to believe in that sort of thing , but my mom and sister always have been . Has anyone else experienced anything at all where you felt your loved one was with you like that ? My mom passed away a year ago mid march , we knew her death was imminent but the night she died I had a dream that we were having coffee at the mall in the town I grew up in . We weren 't talking much . . . and she sorta suddenly stood up and told me it was time to go , then she walked away . A couple of hours later I got woken up by the call that she had finally passed . She was in a lot of pain so I know that dream was her way of letting me know that she was ready and that it was ok . This isn 't exactly my story . . . but my adult son was in a catastrophic car accident last december , and his girlfriend was killed instantly . When I flew there and went to meet her mother at her home , I saw their christmas tree was half assembled & decorated with butterflies . Then she told me a touching story about an encounter with a butterfly at her daughters grave . . how it hovered around one of the florals the whole time she was there . It was mid december and there had been a frost the few nights before this . . not exactly butterfly season . And the butterfly was yellow with burgundy . . yellow was her daughters favorite colour , and she had recently dyed her hair a burgundy red . Coincidence ? maybe . . . but it comforted her a great deal to see that butterfly flutter away , but I think that was her way of letting her mother know that it was ok . My brother was killed in Iraq last March . About two months afterward , his widow said that his son kept saying " Daddy stop ! Stop , Daddy . Quit it ! " while laughing . He was 18 months old at the time . She asked him why he was saying that and he insisted that Daddy was tickling his feet , which he hated and , of course , my brother would do to him often . Then about 4 months ago , my dad contacted a well - respected medium . They had a long ( recorded ) conversation and we are completely convinced that she was talking to him , for way too many reasons to list here . My brother has since contacted her a few times ( each time while she was in the shower ! ) to have her call and tell my dad something . He is going to have another conversation / meeting with her on the angelversary of his death , March 10 . ( Quick example of the validity : On Valentine 's Day my dad and step mom got " old time cowboy " pictures taken at the same place that me , my brother and my dad got them done a few years ago . The next day the medium called my dad and said that my brother contacted her and made her call and tell my dad that " he really wanted to be in that Valentine 's picture , too . " She then asked my dad what that meant . ) He has visited me twice in a dream . I used to think that dreams were just OUR way of coping with our imagination . But I now believe that he was contacting me . The medium really helped us feel that he is ok and happy and will see us when it 's our time . Of course , they all say that , but based on everything else she said , we believe it . And that 's ok with us . Beth - WOHM - Madly in love with my Wife - SAHMandSophia , born 11 / 2 / 10 , at home ! Expressing love , one ounce at a time ! Monarchgrrl is offline Monarchgrrl , can you PM me the medium 's information ? Is she expensive ? Money is tight right now with DH 's pending layoff , but maybe in future we can contact her . I 'd love to hear more stories like these from anyone who wishes to post . It is very calming to me to hear them - I miss my dad so much and his passing is still very raw . Thank you everyone who has posted . I lost both my father and best friend at different times . Both times , about 2 - 3 days later when I finally let the grief get to me , or when the reality really set in , or whatever you would call it - I had an experience that I had never had before . Both times , I was laying in my bed , and my entire body got an incredibly strong tingly feeling , like nothing I had ever experienced before . It was so strong that it was almost too much to experience . . . . it made me want to shake it off . Like someon was actualy physically showing me their presence . But , I knew in an instant the first time that it was my father there to let me know that he was OK . It never happened again until my best friend died . It happened almost the exact same way . . and with her , I have felt the same thing several times since she has passed . Although I don 't see her or have anything other than an incredibly overwhelming experience , I just " know " it is her . I don 't know why . . I just do . When I was around 13 I lost a guy that I considered my older brother . ( Long story for that background ) He was shot and killed at 19 . It was really hard on me . I was outside and the word " Love " kept popping into my head . I finally said , " Okay , what about LOVE ? " and looked up at the sky . There was a cloud in the shape of a key . I thought it was odd so I said , " Love is the key to . . . ? " and it started raining . I love warm rains that come out of nowhere . I stood for a second and then said , " Love is the key to happiness ? " and it stopped raining . I was very distraught that I 'd never said , " I love you " to this guy . He wasn 't the " love you " type and it was just always understood that he loved us as his family . I prayed about it and always said that I wished I could see him one last time . One night I had a dream that had him in it . It was just a normal day kind of dream ( I think we were at a party of some kind ) When he left the house I suddenly thought that I 'd never told him I loved him . I raced out of the house and ran up to him and said , " I never told you . . . " and he stopped me and said , " I know . I always knew . I love you too . " That 's when I woke up . It always seemed so real and it put me at peace in so many ways . When I spoke to my DH about it many years later he said that he believed that sometimes God can give us one last moment with our loved ones to help us be at peace with their deaths . It not only helped me to let go . . . but it solidified that he was in a good place and I 'd get to see him again . Before my grandfather died , my grandmother told him that he 'd better not come back to haunt her , because it would scare her too much . The morning after he died , she woke up with her bedroom full of the smell of roses - - her favorite flower . She said that she felt like it was my grandfather telling her it would all be ok , but without appearing and scaring her ! Another grandpa of mine died a few years ago . That night ( I hadn 't found out yet that he 'd died ) , someone buzzed our apartment buzzer again and again . I didn 't get up out of bed to check the door - - I just had a feeling that it was my grandpa saying goodbye . My mom told me the next day that it happened right after he died . Mama lady to my lady baby born 3 / 09 on the kitchen floor . Looking forward to seeing which room 's floor the next one will be born on in October . GoGoGirl is offline Originally Posted by greenmansions Monarchgrrl , can you PM me the medium 's information ? Is she expensive ? Money is tight right now with DH 's pending layoff , but maybe in future we can contact her . I 'd love to hear more stories like these from anyone who wishes to post . It is very calming to me to hear them - I miss my dad so much and his passing is still very raw . Thank you everyone who has posted . I PM ' ed you . Beth - WOHM - Madly in love with my Wife - SAHMandSophia , born 11 / 2 / 10 , at home ! Expressing love , one ounce at a time ! Monarchgrrl is offline When I was a little girl , I always went to my Grandparents ' home to watch the first snow of the winter with my Grandfather . I did this until I was 11 or 12 , then I kinda " outgrew " it . That was more or less 20 years ago . Last October , my Grandpa passed away . His funeral was hard , but when I went up to say goodbye , I could have swarn I felt him smile . Hard to explain , but I FELT him smiling when I placed the forget - me - nots in his hands . Anyways , a little while later , the funeral was over and when I went outside , it was snowing the first snow of the season . . . and it was not supposed to snow at all that day . Okay , Grampa B , I get it , no worries . Three years ago , my dog , Shayna passed away suddenly . I took it very hard . It took me nearly five months before I wasn 't sad most of my day because of it . One afternoon , my family went to the library and everyone checked out books , and I found a book that I had to get for myself , in the children 's section . It was about a little boy who 's best friend , his dog , Daisy , died and he was very sad , but then she sent a puppy down from Heaven to take care of him and let him know that she 's okay . On the way home in the car , I kinda pulled into myself and read the book in the front seat while my Hubby drove , and then , a song I 'd never heard before came on the radio , One Sweet Day , by Mariah Carey . For those of you who 've never heard it , some of the words in the song are , " I know you 're shining down on me from Heaven " and " I know eventually we 'll be togeher " . A coincidence ? Maybe , but it could just as easily be a sign for me to stop killing myself emotionally over the loss of my doggie . I felt very peaceful after . I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights , parents only have PRIVILEGES . Only then , will I know my child is safe . We buried him . The next day , our dd at the time 15 , our son 6 and myself each had a very vivid dream . In my dream he came to me was holding the 6 year old on his lap and told me he had a heart attack and was ok - - but he was not happy , he looked so sad to go . My daughter 's dream he was met by him in the hallway , she followed him to the kitchen where he sat down and ate Pizza ( a familiar routine for him ) . I don 't know what the 6 year old dream included and the 4 year old was too young to under stand . But that same night our furnace went Cold . It ran , there were no problems as my friend and neighbor H / C company came right up and could not figure out what the problem was . Also we had light bulbs burn out - - CFL 's - - different rooms . They came back on 4 days later along with the furnace that went cold several more times that season . I love my FIL very much , I often said he reminded me of my grdfather ( raised me as his daughter ) who had passed yrs before . Well when my FIL passed away I was broken hearted , I felt in ways I had lost 2 fathers . One day , I had an especially hard night , Ds was sitting at our dining table bench . When I came up to him to give him his plate , he said " you cant sit there mommy " " grandpa is sitting there " I just stood there and then he followed it by saying " he loves you mommy , dont worry he 's still taking care of us . dont be sad he see brother " My FIL had passed away the week after I had baby # 2 he never got to * see * him . That statement hit me , that was a thought I had that I never said out loud and was at the root of my sadness . That he hadnt * seen * the baby . DH and I believe that our children have had moments with loved ones , some say its because of their innocence or pure heart . Im not sure what it is , or what to call it . But it does give me a sense of peace . Since my mother passed away every time my sisters and I are all together and outside we see a butterfly . Without fail . We could be at the windy beach or in a mall parking lot . After my daughter died , a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came out to the hospital to take photos of her with us . At one point , he had us look out over a hill , and the sun came down below the clouds , and I immediately had an incredibly strong feeling wash over me that she was okay . That she was in Heaven and she was okay . It was very profound , and stuck with me . Fast forward to her funeral , and it was cloudy and drizzling that morning . I told someone that Chloe was going to make the sun come out . After the service , we walked out to her gravesite , and lo and behold , the sun came out from the clouds . It was UNreal . A few weeks later , we got the photos from our NILMDTS photo shoot , and in the picture that the photographer took when I was having that feeling , there is a big round light around my back ( I was the one holding her ) , kind of like the orbs mentioned by a previous poster , but much larger . ( http : / / chloe - fontana . memory - of . com / U . . . 4462500000 . jpg ) ( Ignore the UAV that is in the picture with me . ) In the photography world , that 's a " bad picture " . But it solidified exactly what I was feeling at that moment , and I feel it 's definitely NOT a mistake that it ended up in the picture . After my grandmother died , I read something that said that when you get the feeling that you need to look at a clock , and all of the numbers are the same ( 4 : 44 , 11 : 11 , etc . ) that it 's a loved one saying hello to you . I swear , 9 times out 10 , since I read that , all of the numbers are the same , and I usually smile and say , " Hi Grandma . " I feel like I say it ALL day . . . What 's interesting about that is that I used to call my grandmother , at least once , but usually 2 or 3 times a day . There are times now that my DD will say something funny , and I really want to be able to pick up the phone and call my Grandma so Taylor can say it to her over the phone . I 'm thinking the clocks are her way of giving me a phone call . Single WAHM to 5yo DD , 2yo DS , and forever 7 week old angel DD . I remember the first night that we openly discussed that she was going to die . We lived in Atlanta , which is a tree rich city , and there were several large oaks in our yard . There had been a pair of owls hanging about and as we spoke , I could hear them calling one another back and forth from outside . As we spoke , I thought to myself that we were owls . . . how would we call out to one another , how would we speak , after she was gone ? Indeed , I was with her when she died . Her last words were " I wonder what the forms of communication will be . . . " . ( Her second to last words : " I guess it 's time to tell you that you 're all really extraterrestrials . " ) About a week after her death , I was staying over with a friend in another part of the city . There were woods behind that house , too , and after we put the lights out I heard an owl begin to sing . It wasn 't merely calling - it was singing its heart out , a melody rich and warm and complex , like nothing I 've heard before or since . My friend Morgan was in a car crash on Christmas Eve eve and died on Christmas Eve . It 's been well - known among my friends that every night when I go to bed , I wish for a dream with her in it . I haven 't had one yet . Last week , one of our friends did , and Morgan gave her a message for me : Morgan was there , but it was like she was alive , and was giving a message with a hidden meaning . She was like " You guys ( you know how she always said it ) You don 't have to do this " and its all fuzzy now , but I think or at least felt like it meant you don 't have to mourn this much . And then thats when I was like " * * * * * really wants to have a dream about you " and she was like " Aww , Tell * * * * * it will be okay " and then that was it , it was like I blacked out or completley fell asleep or I dunno . But it was unlike any other dream . It felt so real , and it wasn 't like she came as a ghost , it was like it was her . When I remembered my dream on my way to work I got all teary eyed . Originally Posted by AlwaysByMySide After my grandmother died , I read something that said that when you get the feeling that you need to look at a clock , and all of the numbers are the same ( 4 : 44 , 11 : 11 , etc . ) that it 's a loved one saying hello to you . I swear , 9 times out 10 , since I read that , all of the numbers are the same , and I usually smile and say , " Hi Grandma . " I feel like I say it ALL day . . . I myself had a bit of a . . . I want to call it a trance . I can do this sometimes with living people , kind of like wordless communication . It was the same meditational trance bit . But I got my father , maybe an hour or so after he died . He looked young and he said that if he knew dying was so easy he wouldn 't have been afraid of it after all . And that he had forgotten what it was like to not be tied to your body . ( He had been very ill for a long time , and bed ridden and such . ) My mother just told me recently that he had really wanted to see me before he died , that he was asking for me and didn 't want to see anyone else . We had been pretty estranged for a long time before that , so I wasn 't exactly " grieving " but I definitely felt better after my little half - vision / trance / whatever you want to call it . Later on at the funeral I found a picture of him looking young - like he had in my " trance " - I hadn 't seen pictures of him young before , so it was like , whoa . Heh . My freshman year of college , our close friend died suddenly at 18 years old . It was completely shocking to all of us . Also , because her mother is schizophenic and she was not speaking to her father at the time of her death , we were not privy to details on exactly what happened . From all our collective gatherings , it appeared she died of a well hidden eating disorder that caused her to go into a diabetic coma . There are rumors that she may have overdosed on her mother 's medication as a suicide . I still don 't believe that 's the case . I know her mom found her in a comatose state . I also have heard rumors that because her mother is mentally ill , she did not act as urgently as she shoud have . Also , I know a few of our friends were disturbed when family friends of the deceased said she " killed herself " but I believe they could have been referring to the eating disorder not an intentional suicide . . . if that makes sense . After her wake , I came back to my dorm room terrified to close my eyes and nap because I kept having images of her body . . . . which were not pleasant as 1 . the undertaker did a less than stellar job and I could see wires in her cheeks . and 2 . her mother had dressed her like a 7 yr old IMO . We had a lot of distress as her friends about how basically her whole funeral felt like a sham and did not represent who she really was . No one who really knew her was asked to speak at the funeral , etc . Just cheesy " prince of tides " type stories from a choir partner from highschool . that sort of stuff . SO , I 'm in my dorm room and feeling very scared . And I picked up a book by my Lama about his travels bringing Buddhism to the West . I just picked it up for some kind of comfort I guess . I randomly opened to a page and the first word on the page was her name ! It said " Maya flew home today . Sharing me with so many was too much for her and she flew home to be with her son . " I felt awash with relief and fell asleep . After the funeral , I had a dream that night that all of us were hanging out in the middle of campus crying and hugging . We were all talking about what a crappy day it had been and how awful the funeral was . Then Maia said " Why was today crappy ? " and we all kind of froze realizing she was there with us . We gently explained that she died and how much we would miss her . We all cried together and told stories about all the fun times we had together , etc . Basically like a big send off for her . I actually don 't think she intentionally killed herself . Because I think that exchange really happened on some level . Does that make sense ? I think she didn 't know she was dead and came in the dream . I felt a huge relief when we were able to come to that understanding and send her off in peace . Also , I attend my first Phowa course ( a course on death and dying ) 3 days afterward with my lama . It was planned months and months in advance . 3 days after death is highly auspicious in Buddhism . My lama kept her photograph next to him throughout the whole course and the 200 + attendees all did the practice helping her go on . In fact , I 've done 4 Phowa courses , and the first three people I lost in my life were right before those courses . I started to wonder if I should stop doing Phowas ! The second one , my great grandma died at the age of 100 . 5 . So I experienced two extremes . an 18 yr old and a 100 . 5 yr old . Very different feelings of course . With my great grandma , it was emotional but felt very round and right . And the last night of the course , I poured a glass of wine for everyone at the course and we all toasted my great grandma and celebrated her life . It was awesome . the latest was my xstepmil . i was her fulltime caregiver . she was at home with hospice . and she showed me exactly how she would die and where i would be . which really helped me a lot when it actually happened coz i knew what was going on and was able to support my xfil and help him be there as it was too painful for him . she appeared later as this beautiful white dove flying at an altitude they dont usually fly . alone . the synchrococity of that part was a dove had laid two eggs near the window of my mil 's bedroom while she was alive . she had had two miscarriages . and my mil was thrilled to see and know about them . even the neighbours were somehow inspired by teh dove trusting us so much and it was quite a wonder in the retirement complex . since i have lost close ones since i was a teenager and they all come to say goodbye or give me warnings before hand or some reassure me afterwards , as more passed i was no longer curious to see if they were ok . it was more of a ' i miss you ' feeling . and so i no longer question if they are well . so i always experience a dream where we are together or i get a feeling when i am doing something we all loved to do . but its my dad who stays with me all the time . i associate feathers with him . whenever i am in a hard place - really scared , or upset or extremely fearful - i always somehow see a feather ( in the most unlikely places like in a library ) and the emotion subsides and i get the everything is going to be all right feeling . A couple of months after my son was stillborn in ' 92 I had a vision . My grandmother had crossed the river Styx the wrong way in Charon 's boat to pick up my baby . To receive him . And Charon said to my grandmother " that 's about the prettiest baby I 've ever seen " . In this vision , my grandmother looked younger and tall and strong . My son beamed at her and the boat took them back to the other side . Charon drops them off at a meadow looking spot . The kind of place you 'd want to romp and picnic . I 've also considered myself an agnostic with pagan leanings . I 've had a only a handful of " spiritual " moments in my life . This was one of them . I feel this vision was gift from my son to me . . a way of his spirit telling mine that he was okay . Thank you for posting and asking . I was always with my Mom for the last three years of her life though I did not know these years would be her last . At her death , I was almost unconsolable because of enormous pain in my grief as Mom was expected to get well and go home in a few short weeks . The priest , who was also at her bedside , told me that my mother would come to me in ways I would not expect . And , she has ! There are too many incidences to mention here and surely , they are not coincidences . The best part is that when I am in a quandry , I ask both deceased parents for guidance , no specifics asked , and somehow I receive it . I did have a very short dream after she died where she was sitting in her chair in her light blue bed clothes . Her chair was repositioned in front of her widows as if in illumination . In the room were two brothers and me . I said , " Mom . you are not supposed to be here ! " She said something to the effect " sure I am " . She looked radiant and healthy and happy , as if to announce to the three of us in the dream that she was OK . I had to tell my brothers afterward . One of them has had more vivid dreams than I . As a side , I had given up my religion . Periodically , Mom would say she was praying for all her children to get back to church . I told her nicely that she needn 't pray for me , pray for the others ; that I was living by good Christian principals ; plus other principals I gleaned from other religions . Imagine my surprise when I found my self returning to church after her death ! I have not stopped , and every time I go , I am left to my amazement how I got there . From this I have learned first hand the power of prayer from my mother . ( Thanks , Mom ! P . S . I have been reading all the posts and find great joy in all . I cannot wait for spring and summer for the butterflies and moths to return . Mom taught us about butterflies . She loved so much about nature . My dad died in July of 99 . He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in May of 99 , so about 2 months after he was diagnosed , he died . Those were the worst 2 months of my life . I had just started dating ( now ) DH , and he was there through it all with me . After dad 's death and funeral , I was ok for a long time . I cried and " mourned " but was still ok . In Sept . of 99 my best friend got married . I was her maid of honor . I worked a lot for the wedding ( you know , all the maid of honor duties ) and was exhausted . At the wedding , Best Friends stepdad ( her dad had died when she was 2 ) was dancing with me . He told me he would be honored to dance with me at my wedding . That did it . I started crying . Hard . I pulled it together , but the next day , I could . not . get . out . of . bed . I was in a terrible depression . All I wanted was my dad . After a couple of days of staying in bed , I went to work , but I was just not right . I started taking anti - depressents . I was also taking the pill ( new boyfriend , we moved in together - you get the point ) My body does not do well with drugs . I started having seizures , etc . I had to detox from everything , which was not helpful . I was still in my depression . One night , I had a dream . It was the most vivid dream I had ever had . I was in a small town , and I was waiting for a cruise ship . Members of my ( living ) family were there , getting in line to get on board . I was in line also . As soon as we boarded , everyone went to the food buffet ( this makes total sense in my family ! ) I was looking at everyone eating , but noticed that when my living family went in , they were being met by family members who had passed . My cousins were with my uncle , their dad . My aunt was with an ex - boyfriend . I knew that if they were here , maybe my dad was . I went into a cabin ( I have never been on a cruise ship - so it looked sort of " love boat " like - and there were mountains and glaciers outside - so I knew it was an Alaskan cruise - I 've always wanted to visit Alaska . ) Sure enough - there was my dad . I had not dreamed of dad at all since his passing . I hugged him and said , " How are you ? " He said he was doing fine . He really was , and to not worry about him . He said that once you pass it takes a lot to talk to people on the other side , so he couldn 't visit for very long or very often , but he wanted me to know that he was ok , and that he was always with me , and he was watching everything I was doing . I asked him about DP ( now DH ) and dad said that he really liked him , and thought he was a good choice . He also said he knew that I was having a bad time , and to take it easy on myself . He said he would come visit when he could , but that I was going to be ok . He told me to say hi to my sister , and then I woke up . After that dream , I felt like a million tons had been lifted from me . That dream did what no pills could . Some may say it was a dream , but I KNOW it was my dad helping me , just like he did when he was alive . It will be ten years this July , and I miss him every day , but from that dream on , I started to heal . The hardest thing I have ever had to do was get married , and have beautiful babies and get my masters without my dad , but I know that he 's watching me . Also - on the day of his funeral , I looked up , and there was a hawk circling overhead . I think it was him . Now whenever I see a hawk , I feel like he 's protecting me . My answer to the OP 's question is a definite yes , but I would rather spend time reading the other responses more carefully than post my own reply . s : to the OP , and to all of you . I am grateful that you have found signs to comfort you in your grief . I truly believe that these signs are more present in our lives than we think , if we are open to them . My dad passed unexpectedly of a heart attack . There was not even time to get him to the hospital A few days after he passed away his dog disappeared . We figured she missed him too . Mom looked & looked and couldn 't find the dog . A couple weeks went by and I had the most vivid dream of being at my parents house and suddenly my dad was at the front door with the dog . He looked so healthy - like 20 years younger ! . He told me not to be sad any more because everything really was fine . I woke up with such relief , not only my dad was there , but he was re - united with his beloved dog . Mom calls me the next morning to tell me she found the dog on the back porch . She took the dog to the vet & both her back legs were broken . There was no way she could have come down the long country road to mom 's back door without help . She couldn 't walk . Did my dad bring her back ? Yes , I believe that with all my heart . My dad also gave me a chance to say goodbye . With my grandfather , he was visiting one day and told me dad he was ready to die , this REALLY upset my dad . ( oddly I was home visiting that weekend also ) . The next day he had a massive stroke . He died about three weeks after his stroke . I knew he was ready , he kept pulling his feeding tubes . My dad was a mess . About a week after he died I had a dream , very vivid . We were in a hospital waiting room , my family , his sister , my mom 's best friend who was as much family as my family . She was nurse at the hospital . He came to us , specifically spoke to me , to tell my family he was okay and please make sure my dad knew that . He was much much younger in my dream . He was my step grandfather and I didn 't know him until he was in his 60 's and he was much younger than that in my dream . It was weird but I knew it was real . Last year my fil died very suddenly . It will be a year on the 11th of this month . The night he died , I heard my 6 month old in her room giggling and cooing . It was around 2 am in the morning and she has been consistently sleeping through the night for months . I had never heard her do that before . At the same time I heard her cooing and laughing , I felt the warmest most loving feeling , it was like the whole room was just enveloped in love . . . I can 't even begin to describe this feeling . Two nights later , the night of the funeral , we were sleeping my my mil 's and sure enough . . . the same thing happened . Fast forward 2 weeks , I woke up at 5 am out of dead sleep with something telling me to go take a pregnancy test . . . again can 't describe it . We weren 't trying AT . ALL and I have infertility so it was just weird . I poas ( lots left over from ttc days ) and went downstairs to wait for my dh to get back from his run and wait for the results . As I 'm waiting , my cat is going NUTS . Strange for him , he 's old . . . has no hip , is in beginning stages of heart and kidney failure . Then I see something dive from the ceiling to the floor and I 'm thinking . . . crap , there must be a bat in the house . Turned out it was a sparrow . The pregnancy test was positive and it was the faintest of faint lines . I looked up sparrows . My fil was very very strong in his catholic faith . This is what I found : the common sparrow is noted for its familiarity , its voracity , its attachment to its young and its fecundity . It 's a symbol of protection and symbolizes God 's eternal love . During the service the priest said something about God 's eternal love but the way he had worded it just really struck a chord with me and I had contemplated getting those words tattooed as a tribute to my fil . FF to last weekend . I had a dream with my fil in it . I couldn 't remember what it was about , it was gone as soon as I opened my eyes . . . but as I opened them I could hear my daughter laughing in her room . Again , it 's the middle of the night and she is a great sleeper . . . and if she ever does wake up , she 's extremely quiet . Even in the mornings . My husband said something to me that morning about the anniversary of his death was coming up ( he never talks about his dad 's death ) . I even posted in a forum here if anyone got signs later on after death that our loved ones are still with us . His grandchildren were everything to him and he had so many plans , I just can 't imagine he 's not here with us . I don 't mean to derail , but this thread is very comforting to me . I posted my story , but reading all the other stories , I feel a renewed sense of warmth and love . I am so happy people have found some peace . These are all such beautiful stories . They both comfort me and also make me sad . I hope that my dad comes to me again . I 'll be very sad if I never see that moth again . I am going to try Monarchgrrl 's medium in the next month or two . I want to have my mom there too , and she is travelling quite a bit through April . I hope we can squeeze it in on one of the stretches she is home and I hope we get some messages or something from my dad . He was very ill when he passed away , and I really want to hear that he is better . It was one of those things where his body was giving out , but he wasn 't really ready to leave us . Originally Posted by greenmansions These are all such beautiful stories . They both comfort me and also make me sad . I hope that my dad comes to me again . I 'll be very sad if I never see that moth again . There 's a book called " Hello From Heaven " , that has personal accounts of people being visited from their deceased family and friends . One of the things that stood out to me in reading the book was that the author specifically said that you have to remain open to receiving the messages , and sometimes , we don 't realize that we 're actually GETTING a message . ( Not saying that you 're not staying open , just figured it was worth mentioning . And it 's a good book , by the way . ) Thanks for the reminder to stay open . I have been trying to do so , but so far have not seen much . My sister believes he is sending things our way - he was very interested in history , particularly ancient and biblical history . We keep coming across articles on these and other subjects that we think he would be interested in . My sister thinks he 's sending them along for us to read . I 'm not sure about that , but maybe . . . I neglected to mention that we think my maternal grandmother has been around and influencing things too . My sister 's first DC was born on my grandmother 's birthday ( but my grandma was still alive at that time ) . My first DC was born on the anniversary of that grandmother 's death . I am pretty certain she came to me once as a hummingbird that hovered outside my window at a time when I was very unhappy and gave me direction on how to solve my problem . The direction I got from her worked , BTW . My sister and mother have both had experiences where they thought she was around . My sister is a Waldorf teacher and she is reviewing what Steiner says about death and the afterlife . He apparently was one of those people who saw auras as a child , and learned to cultivate his psychic skills . I 'm wondering if she will come across anything that would help us to be open to seeing our loved ones .

Okay , guess what ? I went from 6 , 699 words last night to 4 , 886 . NOT BAD at all . Still need to get rid of a few more words though . * SIGH * I 'm glad what I 'm cutting out is making the story better though , more succinct . I put the original version in my binder already . I can 't wait to see how my baby looks completely edited . I 'm SO excited to see what it 's going to become . Oh crap . What if they want me to cut stuff out of my novel ? ! ( They being future publishers ) . I don 't think I 'm going to be able to do that alone . And I 'll be blasted if I 'm going to print out an original version of that . This novel has been everything to me . and I KNOW it 's likely to happen . So . I 'm just preparing myself . I 'll write it , and then let them decide . I 'll do what it takes to get my vampies on the shelves . It 's WEEK 2 of my Workshop . This week , we 're focusing on World Building . Oh Joy . LOL . No , really , this is the panel I missed at ConBust due to overbooking . But now I have it . So I 'll be taking it slowly , and trying to get it all ingrained into my head . LOL . I have a 500 - word assignment due by next Thursday . Won 't wait that long , since he has all these other assignments . Leave a comment » I got this idea from Holly Black . While I 'm not publish yet , these are things that I am hoping to get published in some shape or form ! Original work : Sent off my possible submission to a friend for reviewing . I 'm new to the Urban fantasy genre , as far as writing it full on , so I 'm hoping it wasn 't a really bad try . * nervous nelly here * The story is title , " The IntraCity Double Dutch Dare " . I am considering writing another story set in that realm , because I loved writing for Trixie , Sol and Lottie Beth so much . I am also working on a story about a demon hunter who has been charged with killing a pair of siblings . One an exiled demon who 's using his magic without realizing , and the other is demon hybrid fourteen - year - old that has been adopted to scientists humans , and their genius son , who spends his time trying to keep her secret . There is no title for this story yet . ( and I don 't know if I should classify it as Fantasy or Science Fiction either . Fail ) Still working , slowly , on Ch . 8 of Protected One . I can 't discuss it much because it 's unpublished . Fanfiction work : Okay , brace yourself . There 's a lot ! The third Amy fic is coming along slowly . I have some epic stuff planned . I need a title for it . " Matters of the Heart " Ch . 6 is finished , and it should be up in the near future . I have begun to plot out the sequel to that fic , and the sequel to Lost and Found . Though I do not have a planned release for either , due to the fact I want to get my own fics worked on . My final Twilight fic ( theoretically ) is for Embry , and I am hoping to be able to post that one very soon . Ahem . Thanks to Cassandra Clare , I am now considering working on a Mortal Instruments fanfic . How cool that she 's come full circle . She started out as a Fanfic writer , and now people are writing fanfics about HER work . This fic deals with Simon , and it would definitely be AU ! because of the content . I 'll give you a hint . Simon 's babysitting job turns into a race to save his charge from Valentine recruiting her , before the Shadowhunters can properly train her . Leave a comment » I 've come to the conclusion that I can 't be taken seriously as a writer until I pull myself away from fanfiction , and start listening to all the characters that are in my head for my original fiction . That makes me sad . I wonder if Cassandra Clare , Stephenie Meyer or Holly Black would understand how this feels . I 'm fairly certain Cassandra would , because , like me , She started out as a fan fiction writer . I do take my fan fiction very seriously , as well as my novel writing . What makes me even question my seriousness is the fact that yesterday , I got NOTHING written on my short story for the submission . This is not a fan fiction this submission . This submission could open a lot of doors for me ! Yet , I 've done nothing on it for several days now . * shakes head * I 'm going to have to really buckle down tomorrow . I say tomorrow because today 's Gene 's b - day , and unless I take my laptop , I won 't really get the chance to work on anything . Then again … since it 's NOT fan fiction , I 'm pretty sure people wound understand if I did . So , until I can pull myself away completely from fan fiction or get published , I won 't be able to take myself seriously . What this means , is I really need to take some time out for my own writing , and get away from the fan fiction . Maybe update one fan fic a week . But spend more time with my own characters . I think that might be the issue here . I think my original muses are angry with me . Leave a comment » ( I am very excited to bring you , my readers , my very first vampire short story ! This story was written for annual Writer 's Digest competition . I don 't post those types of submissions until the deadline , so that 's why I waited so long . This story has been done for a while now . A little bit of background on this story : " Saving Susan " is really an extension of a chapter of one of my favorite fan fics that I wrote , called " Lost and Found " . The story itself , however , takes a very different turn . ) He remembered first and foremost that it had been raining the night he found her . Howard would never forget that for as long as he lived . Years later , that would be the most prominent detail he 'd remember . The brunette haired young man was wandering the slums of New York City , looking for a place to rest . He didn 't really have enough money to stay in a hotel , so the streets would have to serve for his shelter . Cardboard boxes , broken down cars , even a phone booth would have suited him well , but unfortunately for him , in the slums all of those makeshift homes were taken . He finally came across an alleyway . It , too , was crowded , but he couldn 't find it in him to care anymore . The hour was late , and he had traveled many miles that day . As he began to pick his way through the mob of meshed together homeless folk , he noticed something . There was a familiar stench . There was another , like him , who walked among these unfortunate people . He caught sight of her , and he growled , when he figured out what she was after . She had tracked a child here . A child ! That is low , even for our kind . He he rushed to catch up to the woman , but he didn 't get too close . She could sense him too , without a doubt . Howard finally saw the other 's prey when she had to pause to side step a mother and her two sets of twins . The child didn 't look too old , maybe she was about ten or eleven in age . Her eyes were a bright green , her hair as gold as the sun . Howard found that he suddenly wanted her for himself . He let loose with a low growl now , as he approached the woman 's back . The woman turned , and glared at Howard . Her eyes were a deep onyx shade . She was beyond starving . " What is your quarrel with me , stranger ? " She asked now . Her words came out sounding majestic , and nothing like the patches of speech that surrounded the pair . " I 've done nothing wrong . " " Oh , but you most certainly have . That child there is mine . " Howard replied , his voice stern , as if he was back to ordering people about on the slave line from his natHoward watched her until she turned the corner , and was out of his line of sight , before he turned his attention to the child that was cowering in the far corner , her small form nearly hidden behind the massive dumpsters . He walked over to her easily , and knelt to her level . " Are you alright , little one ? " Now that he was close enough to her actually study her , he saw that she was very pale , almost as pale as him . The child was sick . " I 'm alright . Thank you . " She spoke softly , brushing a wayward strand of hair out of her face , as she moved further into the shadows . Something about this man frightened her , though she could not fathom what . He had just rescued her from the weird woman that had been following her like a bloodhound followed it 's hunted . He wasn 't going away though . He was watching her intently . " Really , I 'm alright . You can go now . " " Surely you can 't stay alone by yourself . How old are you , child ? " Howard replied , ignoring her unease . He layered his voice was reassurance . He could get her to go with him . It wasn 't that hard . He held out a hand to her . " I 'm going to be eleven in two weeks . " She told him , a hint of annoyance in her voice . " I took care of myself , and my two sisters and a sick mother for almost a year . I think I can take care of myself now . " She coughed a little bit , and her balance on her knees waned . She felt the man catch her shoulders , and she tried to pull away . " Oh , I think you should see a doctor , Child . " Howard told her . " What 's your name ? " He carefully pulled her to her feet , and took her into his arms tenderly . He felt the urge to take her right then and there , and make it so that she wouldn 't have to suffer anymore . He had the feeling that the poor girl had been suffering with her ailment for a long while without knowledge of it . " Susan . " The girl didn 't fight with Howard when he picked her up . Instead , she found his caring , protective nature warmed her heart . Not one of the citizens in the city outside of these slums had even given her a second look . They considered her one of the homeless population . In truth , Susan had a home . It was just a little smaller than a lot of the others . " Well , Susan . Let 's get you out of the rain . That would be the first thing to do . " Howard swallowed his thirst , and laid her head on his shoulder . She wasn 't going to fight him anymore . He had dissolved all of her mental barriers . He wondered how a child of her age hadThe room he rented for them a little over an hour later left a lot to be desired . He would have argued a bigger space , and he could have put his authority to the test , but he was more concerned for his young companion . Susan was becoming more weak as time went on , and that fact lent itself to Howard 's belief that the girl had been sick for more than just a day or two . She had been fighting with this ailment for weeks or more . He laid her down on the bed as soon as they were safely in the room . He locked the door , even though he was fairly certain the girl would not want to leave him now . " How long have you been sick this way , Susan ? " " I … don 't know . I lost track of the days after Mama and Betty died . " Susan strained to sit up , but she could not do it . She studied Howard as he came to sit by the bed next to her . " I don 't want to die . Is there a doctor nearby that can help ? " " Not nearby enough to be able to get to you before it 's too late . " He was tormented by thoughts of what he 'd planned for her , and what he now felt he wanted to do . He tentatively ran a hand through her hair . " Just rest now . You 're safe here . " He wondered how long she 'd been on the run . He had the sense that the woman he 'd encountered had probably been tracking her for days . Susan looked like she had not had a good sleep in a few nights . He tucked her in just as a father might tuck in his child . He watched as her heavy eyelids reluctantly shut . When he was sure she was asleep , he laid a hand on her forehead . He felt her flinch at the chill of his touch , but he didn 't move to stop what he must do . He removed all of her bad memories by sheer will . He was amazed at the amount that this young girl had . She hadn 't had a great early childhood . She was the middle child of the family , and therefore had to be both an older sister , and a younger sister . Her family hadn 't made much money , so having extra things like toys and book had been out of the question . Instead , she and her siblings had made do with paper d " Hush now , Susie … it 's alright … . . It 's just a dream , little one . " He pet her hair and rubbed her back . He was amazed at how natural this seemed to him . He had no memory of ever having been around children before . He felt her wrap her arms around him trustingly . That is your doing . You 've made yourself accessible to her for comfort . If you want to be kind to her , it might be easier to just kill her , and satisfy that burning you 've got going on in your stomach . But he didn 't want that . He found that he was torn between what he really wanted , and what he knew was the best thing for the girl . He stroked her hair some more . She was starting to drift into a feverish sleep again . He laid her down , tucking her back in . He opted to leave her memories alone . If and when he decided to take her , he would finish the job . What he did , however , was plant a memory of him being somehow related to her , an uncle , perhaps , but with no real clarity . Either way , he would make sure that he had relative control over her from here on in . It wouldn 't be the same control he 'd kept over the slaves of the past . That kind of control was not required for such a child . Howard sat back in the bedside chair , resting his head against the headrest . He closed his eyes , and took in a steadying breath . Her scent was tantalizing . He knew she was his to take now , if and when he was ready , but Howard wasn 't even sure what that meant anymore . Take her for food ? Or take her as his daughter ? He wasn 't positive what that meant . He blinked suddenly , when he heard his mobile phone ringing . The device had not rung in close to two weeks . He picked it up . " Hello ? " He spoke softly , so as not to wake the girl that slept fitfully in the bed . " Howie , when are you coming home ? I get you 're not going to kill humans . That 's perfectly fine , but you can 't really survive in that world alone . Come home . " It was Vanessa . Howard refrained from rolling his eyes . Vanessa , along with his old colleague Jensen had met up with him some years " I … I 'm kind of in the middle of something … . " He didn 't want to admit that he had not been strong enough to resist his natural instincts . " I 'll be home in a day or two . " He had made his decision , and he would need some time to get her focused on how he wanted to raise her . But first , he needed to make sure he was properly prepared . " See you then . " He hung up before Vanessa could reply to him . He turned to his charge , frowning . Howard frowned , looking outside . It was still pouring . No animals would be about in the rain . He would simply have to wait out the night to get anything for her . Now , me on the other hand ? I can 't wait that long , or I 'll ruin my own plan . Howard slipped out of the room , making sure to lock it from the outside , in case she woke up . He doubted she would . He went to hunt down a meal that he was sure no one would miss . When she woke up , Susan looked around the room . She was disoriented at first . She was sure that finding the kindly man in the final alleyway of the slums had been a dream induced by delirium . However , when she turned her head , she saw him there . He appeared to be resting in the chair next to her bed . Susan wondered if he had been there all night . She started to speak , but found that her throat wasn 't going to allow it . She had gotten worse overnight . " You 're awake … . " The soothing voice startled her in the silence of the room . Susan nodded , her eyes wet with tears . Her throat hurt her badly . She gestured with her finger towards the water bowl that sat on a nearby stand . She wanted to make herself look a little fresher for when they 'd leave later in the day . She watched as he carefully brought it to her without much of a word . She carefully washed her face , and neck . The chilly water felt good on her still feverish skin . Howard realized what had happened over night . The illness was in her throat now . She couldn 't speak . This would have been an opportune time to put his plan into action , but he was a little skeptical of that , after the feasting he 'd done during the night . He came over , and put a hand on her shoulder . " I can make all of this pain go away . " He looked her directly in eyes now . When she tried to look away from him , he cupped her chin in his hand carefully . He softened his voice . " But I will give you a choice . " Susan attempted to clear her throat , before she let out a soft gasp . She had just noticed how deep red Howard 's eyes were . " Are you a demon ? " She asked now , pulling away from him . She ignored the pain that came when she 'd spoken . Howard blinked . That was not a question he 'd been prepared to answer . " No . I 'm not a demon … . " He took the water from her , and smiled kindly . " I 'm a vampire . " He decided to take a more straight forward approach . He grabbed her hand , firmly , but not forcefully . " The woman that was tailing you in the alley yesterday was a vamIt pained Howard to see this poor girl suffering as she was . It made him angry too , knowing that not one person in the alley had seemed to care that she was so ill . Humanity really ticked him off . He lowered the girl back down into the bed , and went to sit in the chair again . She was watching his every move now . " Susie , please … . " She shook her head . Susan didn 't want to have to depend on blood to survive . It would mean killing other innocents . " Please … . " Howard stood up now , pacing at the foot of his charge 's bed . He could imagine Vanessa and Jensen 's reactions if he returned with a child . Jensen would be furious , and insist that she be immediately destroyed , and Vanessa would want to keep her as her own . It was a difficult decision , and he wasn 't sure , no matter which he chose , was the right one . As Susan went into another fit of coughing and wheezing ; this one more violent than the previous , he made a decision . He walked over to her , and held her down as gently as he could . He leaned close to her ear . " I promise I 'll make it all okay for you again . " He sat down on the edge of the bed , pulling the girl out from under the covers , and into his lap . He tried to sooth the pain she was feeling by putting one of his cold hands against her burning throat . Just as she began to relax in his grip , he leaned down , and bit into her heated flesh . He felt her tense , and heard her cry out in pain , but he held her still . Howard was careful not to drink too deeply . He knew how much the sucking motion hurt the child . He pulled away as she went limp in his arms . She was gasping for breath , still trying to live . Howard bit into his own flesh then , and forced it to her mouth . " Mm … no . " Susan tried to turn away from the bleeding wrist offered to her . She heard Howard 's voice , but she couldn 't make out the words that he said . She was just barely conscious . The girl felt drops of the vampire 's blood touch her lips , and without knowing why , she licked it off . Doing that was probably the mistake she An hour later Susan was resting peacefully . She would wake up immortal in a day or two , and then he would begin the business of breeding her to feed as he had always wanted to . He sat silently , and closed his eyes . He was not looking forward to the work ahead , but he was sure he could handle it . The life of his new baby depended on it . Jensen blinked . Howard was on his doorstep , holding the hand of a pale - skinned child , who eyes were the color of honey . It was clear this was the child he had made . He was speechless . He stepped to the side of the doorway , inviting them in silently . He watched as Howard carefully led the girl in . " What 's her name ? " " Susie . " Howard replied . He helped her out of her coat and hat , and laid them on the old familiar bench . It felt weird for him to be back home again . The only real reason he 'd come home was to give Susan a chance at a real home life . He had wanted to show her that life could be about more than just plain survival . He turned the girl to face Jensen then . " This is Jensen . He 's been a friend of mine for a long time . you are to respect him , no matter what . " " Okay . " Susan , who now went by Susie readily held out a hand to Jensen . " It 's nice to meet you . " Susan replied softly . She looked up at Howard then . " Is this our new home ? " " Yes , Susie . This is our home now . Should you need anything , don 't be afraid to ask . " He followed Jensen into their old office , and he sat down , sighing . " I would have told you , but it never felt like the right time . I didn 't think you 'd understand . " " I don 't . However , there is a strict moral code that I follow . I will not hurt any vampire that is made by my family . Your child is safe . " It was dark , when the girl first awakened . She had no way of knowing how late , or how early it truly was . Her eyes adjusted to the very thin light that came streaming in from some other location . She stirred , and found that she was warm . She put a hand out of the overheating blankets , and immediately tucked it away again . It was bitter cold , wherever she was . She racked her brain , trying to find some trace of memory that would tell her how she had come to be there . She could not find any . There was a rustling from her other side . She quickly turned her head , not wanting to caught off guard , should she be attacked . " Don 't be ' fraid , little one . " A kindly female voice said in the dark . " I mean you no harm . " The dim light grew into a flood now , as sunshine entered where the girl had been sleeping . " We found you , my brother and I . You were half dead in the snow outside . " She set a bowl of something steaming in front of her . " It 's not much , but it will warm your insides . " She laid a spoon in the bowl . " I 'll be just outside . " She turned and left . The child noted her long braid that went down her back . The girl , who 's name was Anna , poked the food within the bowl with the spoon silently for only a second , before she found herself devouring it , as she ignored the fact that it burned her mouth from it 's heat . She was finished in a matter of seconds . She pushed the remaining blankets off of herself , and stood up . Her body was met with the bitter cold that wafted in from the outside . She didn 't seem to notice . For the first time , she noticed that she was wearing clothing that didn 't appear to her own . She looked around quickly , trying to find out where her own were . She felt funny , being in clothes that did not belong to her personally . She was just about to go rooting through a nearby trunk when the woman with the long braid came back to check on her . " I see you got on with that well enough . " She smiled at her young charge . " I 'm Amelia Stock . " She held out a hand . She pulled it " I don 't know , child … " Amelia 's voice was sympathetic . " Paul was hunting when he found you . There was a smashed up sled about five yards from where he found you in the snow . " She came and wrapped a wool shawl around the girl 's shoulders . " Paul 's out hunting again , as we speak . He 'll be glad to see that you 're up , and about . We 've both been so worried that he was too late in finding you . " Anna nodded a bit . " I 'm sorry , if I 've caused you trouble … . " She began to gather the dishes that had been laying around her pallet for , she guessed , days . " Don 't bother yourself with things like that , dear one . " Amelia took her by the hand , and led her over to the cook fire , where she would be warmer . " Sit yourself down here , and keep warm . You 're lucky you didn 't catch you death out there . It 's been a lot colder than usual . " She began to pull a brush through Anna 's matted brown locks . " Dear me . It seems like it must 've been ages since you 've had a proper grooming . What is the last thing you remember ? " Anna closed her eyes , and tried to think . She could just see a line of horses . Each set of two was pulling a sled . She remembered the sleds now . They were traveling across the arctic snow at a pace that she 'd been assured by the one in charge , her father , perhaps , was safe . She found that she didn 't remember , even , what he looked like . Had she hit her head or something ? No . She didn 't remember doing that . The sled had skidded , the horses going with it . Genevieve , the horse mistress lost control of the sled , and then … . She opened her eyes . " There was a crash in my party . Dear Genevieve lost control of the horses , when the sled began to swerve . I was thrown , but that 's all I remember … . " " How peculiar . There doesn 't appear to be any sign of other sleds anywhere around there . " A male 's voice spoke now . He was a tall man , and he was balding at the top of his head . He unwrapped the tattered scarf from his neck , and hung it on a branch nearby . He left That night , Anna was fed deer meat for the first time in her life . Of course , Amelia and Paul didn 't tell her that 's what it was . They didn 't want to upset her appetite . They waited until after they were sure she couldn 't vomit it back up . For dessert there was more of what she 'd had for her morning meal . Anna didn 't mind . She liked the sweet taste of the cereal - like substance . As the sun was going down , she glanced out at the vast tundra , with it 's bare ice landscaping . She thought about her poor nanny , and her mother . Would they have escaped , or had they suffered a worse fate than herself ? Amelia came , and brought her a dark liquid in a mug . She sipped at it , wrinkling her nose . It was bitter , but it had a sweet taste at the end of it that she quite liked . It wasn 't long after that when Anna began to feel extremely tired . She curled up on the carpet by the fire and was sleep soon after . She didn 't feel Paul move her back to her pallet in the corner of the cabin . She woke up in the middle of the night to quiet whispers . She strained to hear what was said . It sounded important . " … when do you think we should tell her the truth , Mellie ? She doesn 't trust us that well . " Paul was saying . His voice sounded sad , as if it hurt realizing their charge did not trust them yet . " We just can 't . She 's already so upset over the loss of her family . You didn 't have to go about it that way , you know . " Amelia sounded displeased with her brother . " She could 've been hurt . " She paused briefly , then Anna heard her sigh . " It might just be easier to continue the charade a little longer . Until she gets used to the idea of not seeing them anymore . " " I don 't like it . Surely the others in her party will be looking for her , and those that had been traveling with her . What then ? " Paul sounded edgy now . " I should 've finished them all while I had the chance . " " Will you stop being so blood thirsty ? She 's ten - years - old . She doesn 't even remember us . " Amelia 's voice was full of sobs . " We did what we promised Mother we 'd do , so let 's just keep it at that . No one else need die . " Anna was frozen in her pallet , terrified . The two who had claimed to rescue her had done nothing more than set up an abduction . They hadn 't rescued at her at all . They 'd caused the wreck ! Paul had shot at her mother and nanny , causing the sled to lose control . She swallowed hard , burying her face in the comforting pillows , so that they wouldn 't hear her sobs of fear , and distress . At length , though she wasn 't sure how long it took , she fell asleep again , tears on her face . Flint wasn 't looking very enthusiastic , as he presented the pieces of the broken sled to his master , James . The servant 's hair was tousled every which way , his green eyes looked wild in fear . He knew James wasn 't going to be thrilled with their only find in the search for his wife and child . " This is all that we were able to find . There has been no sign of Lady Herra or Princess Anna . I 'm sorry . " He knelt , bowing his head in condolence . " This can 't be all there is . People don 't just disappear without a trace … " James eyed his servant coldly . He was finding it hard to believe that there had been no sign of either wife or child . " Maybe you didn 't look hard enough . They could 've been buried in the snow … . " He doubted it , from the expression Flint was giving him . " With all due respect , Sir , there are a great many wild animals out there . Errickson and I found wolves , and foxes . Perhaps … " He was unable to finish his statement , finding it too gruesome to think of little Anna being marred to death . " At any rate , this is all that we were able to find . " " Very well . " James dismissed them with a wave of his hand , and sank back into his chair , sighing heavily . He felt grief over taking him . His poor wife Herra , and his beautiful daughter Anna were all that he 'd ever had . Being a thief , even if he did have royalty now , he had never had much . He had worked very hard to get where he was now . All that work was for nothing now , as he no longer had anyone to share it with . He buried is face in his hands , and wept for his lost family . At length , he turned down the lights in the hall , and went to his bedroom . It felt strange , not saying good night to his little princess , or his wife . He supposed he would have to get used to it . They more than likely were not coming back . The night was long for James , and he knew instinctively that it would be like this for a while . He was reminded of how it had been many years ago , when his father had died suddenly , leaving him in charge of everything , inAmelia woke Anna up , and had her dressed in an old dress with a soft wool lining before she was even awake . She was brushing her hair out for her , as she ate breakfast . " We 're leaving today . " She told the child in a tone that held finality . " Paul got in contact with someone south of here , who can get us home . " " What did Paul do to my family ? " Anna asked now . She winced , as Amelia suddenly yanked the brush a little too hard in her shock . The woman gasped from behind her . " Paul rescued you from those that took you away from us , to begin with . " Amelia said now . Her voice was resigned , as if it was something she really hadn 't wanted to share with Anna yet . She came around , and sat in front of Anna . Her blue eyes were full of tears . " Please , don 't think badly of Paul . He wanted to fulfill mother 's dying wish . Mother wanted you back so badly , Ellie … . " " My name 's not Ellie . It 's Anna . " Anna 's voice , which up to that point had been quiet , and submissive , rose an octave , as she got more panicked . " I don 't know where your Ellie is , but I 'm not her . My father is James Swornenson . " " It 's no wonder you call yourself such . They 've had you since you were a baby . " Amelia replied . Her voice remained calm . " Now , we 're leaving in less than an hour . I don 't want to hear anymore of this . " " You can 't just keep me ! " Anna insisted , tears in her voice and eyes . " My family … . " " Has been waiting for you too long . " Paul said now . His voice was gentle , but firm . " Now , please . Don 't be difficult . It will be much easier for you to understand once you 're home again . " He took some things outside , and Anna was suprised to hear a motor . " The man from the South . " Amelia offered an explanation . " He 'll be taking you and I first , then coming back for Paul . " He wrapped Anna up in a bundle then , and picked her up . " Now , keep your mouth closed . The cold air won 't help your throat at all . " It was more a warning to keep what was going on to herself , but i " That 's about as far as this baby will take you anyway . " He chuckled , and they drove off . Anna , who was still astounded by the revelations she 'd gotten from Amelia , sat silently . The ride to the station didn 't take nearly as long as Amelia had made it out to seem . Anna was asleep shortly after train took off , carrying her to her new home . " She 's slept since right after we got on the train . " Amelia was saying . Anna moaned , tossing about . She knew instinctively she was in a real bed now . She didn 't want to wake up . She didn 't want to deal with the nightmare that had become her new life . At length , Amelia 's voice was closer to her . " Ellie … wake up , honey . We 're home . " " Name 's not Ellie … " Anna mumbled into her pillow . She heard Amelia sigh , and then she spoke to someone else that was evidently in the room . " They changed her name to Anna . " There was a long pause . The other person in the room spoke so low that Anna hear nothing of what was said to Amelia , then the woman spoke again , acidly . " I most certainly will not ! If I allow her to keep that name - ! " " Maybe it 's best to do just to do just that , Mel … " Paul 's voice said now . " Besides , we 've put the poor child through enough . " Anna would never admit it , but that was the very moment she chose to forgive Paul for everything . She allowed herself to open her eyes , and she looked up at Paul 's kind face . " I … I might adjust eventually , maybe … " She could see that Amelia and Paul both truly believed that she was their Ellie , though she did not , and would not believe it for as long as she lived . They didn 't have the proof . Or so she thought . As she sat up , Paul sat down on the edge of the luxuriously made bed . He had an album in his hands . " What 's that … ? " " It 's … our proof . " He could see her wheels turning . " Here . " He opened the book , and let her take her time looking through it . His dark brown eyes studied the expressions as they changed rapidly from page to page . The contents of the book were painful for himself and Amelia to look at . " It chronicles every piece of information we ever got from the time you were kidnapped . " By the time Anna was finished looking at the book , she was in tears . She was angry with her father , if she could call him that now , for what he had done to these kind people . It was going to much harder to adjust to being here , since she was so used to being with her family . It might take her longer , but she knew that Amelia and Paul would help her . They were her real family . Before crawling out of bed she unfastened a small silver chain that held the initial " A " on it , and tossed it to the side table . " If you and Paul want to call me Ellie I won 't mind . " And she didn 't . Leave a comment »

Although Annie 's Friday Smiles is not up and running again yet , since her house move , I do have a little smile for you . In fact it was a big smile for me . One of my dear blog - friends , Di , posted today an old card featuring Benjamin bunny , that she had made for her grand - daughter 's first birthday , along with a jumper she knitted for her with the same image . I thought ' I know that jumper ' . I knitted the very same one when my son Benjamin was one , and he just loved it , and wore it for ages . I rooted through some old photos and this was the best I could find in a hurry . He was just taking his first steps . Ben is twenty - - seven now , so Di , it is a very old pattern , but your blog post brought happy memories flooding back . Do visit Di 's blog which you can find here , and see her jumper with its lovely matching card . Now for a little happy story that I should have included last week , but I didn 't have time . The Friday had been a bank holiday here , so there was no market in Turre , so on Saturday I decided to go to the big one in Vera instead . This is spread over a maze of small streets and I always lose my sense of direction when I go there . Because the streets are narrow and very busy , I did not take my wheely - shopper , but instead had a big supermarket ' bag for life ' . I did not intend to buy much , but as usual I got carried away by all the lovely fresh fruit and vegetables , and ended up with a much too heavy bag . Heading back to where I thought I had left the car , I felt the first handle of my bag start to tear . Soon it had broken so I tied it round the other one and continued on my way . Then the second handle gave way so I had no choice but to hoist this huge bag up into my arms and stagger the rest of the way . It was then I realised I had taken the wrong road away from the market , and emerged from the village quite a way from where the car was parked . I sank down onto a bench to consider my options . Hide the bag behind a wall and fetch the car was the best one , but I doubted whether it would still be there when I returned . Then I was approached by a small , stocky man , ( S . American / Spanish I think ) . I was a bit apprehensive , and I didn 't understand the torrent of words he came out with , but then it dawned on me that he was offering to carry my bag . I realised that he was one of the many unemployed men around who are just looking to earn the price of the next meal , but to me he was an answer to prayer . I warned him it was very heavy but he hoisted it up on his shoulders and off we went . It took us about ten minutes to reach the car and all the way we kept up a conversation in my limited Spanish and a few hand signals , but he refused to stop and rest , and soon my bag was safely stowed in the back of the car . I did give him what I hope was a generous tip , and he was as obviously grateful as I was ! Angels in disguise etc . . . . Our week with Tom has been a hot one . We were little under forty degrees some days , and it doesn 't really cool down all evening or even in the night . So Tom has been in and out of the pool all day , and we have had lots of midnight dips . One day we went up to the big pool at the top of the village . We are lucky to have such a big municipal pool and it is always warm and spotlessly clean . I like to go there as it is around 35metres long so I can do some serious swimming rather than bobbing around in ours . Sadly it is only open for July and August , so Sunday will be the last day . It was the first time Tom has been here when it is open , so afterwards we took him to the level above to see the football pitch and the picnic area . I took the photo of the pool , looking down on it from there . The dogs have enjoyed having some different company , and Kim in particular pesters Tom when he sits outside , but he eventually gives in and falls asleep at his feet . This week we were amused to see him sleeping with his paw behind his ear . I don 't know why he did it , but he stayed that way for ages . This morning , ( before the lovely beach front lunch ) we drove to IKEA . This is in Murcia so it is a couple of hours away , but I wanted a new bookcase for my craft room - part of the big reorganisation I am trying to do . Tom helped me make an accurate floor plan on the computer so I could see what I might be able to squeeze in . We came away with a slightly smaller bookcase than I had intended , and a super new computer desk , and even better , my lovely husband paid for them ! ( Hence me treating them both to lunch ! ) . The goods will be delivered on Monday , so hopefully Tom will be able to help with the assembly . I am not very good with the big things , and Chris can 't do them on his own . And to end with here are a couple of sky photos . After a very hot week , today was just a couple of degrees cooler , mainly because there was a light covering of clouds . This meant we might get a nice sunset , so as I was out the back feeding the dogs their tea , I took this photo . There 's a little verse my mum used to say to us , that goes like this : " You Smile , and others Smile , And soon there 's miles and miles of Smiles , and life 's worthwhile because you Smile ! " And we would automatically smile back at her as she gave us her lovely gentle smile . And it still works . So here is my son , smiling when he saw me creeping up on him with camera in hand , and a big smile on my face ! Tom flew out from his new home in Denmark , arriving in the early hours of this morning . So today he had a well earned lie - in , and has then been in and out of the pool , and sitting in the sun enjoying the warmth . We have ten days to catch up on chat . Dad is happy as Tom can talk technical with him , in a what might as well be a foreign language to me , and I enjoy hearing about his new life which seems to be suiting him very well . However , it was not so quiet last Saturday when we could hear music nearby , all through the afternoon . Later it got rather louder and it sounded like a live band which is unusual in the village . When the bars have ' live music ' it is normally one or two singers with taped music to sing to . In the end curiosity got the better of me and I wandered out to investigate . I met Chris , who had been down at the bar watching football , also following the sound , and just in the street behind ours , we came to a new house . It has been built a little at a time over the five years we have been here , and apparently it is now almost complete , so the owners were holding a party in the porch for friends and family . This included the usual abundance of food and drink , and a quartet of muscians playing guitars , saxaphone and drums , and boy was it loud up close ! We were welcomed and could have stayed , but we are not really into gatecrashing other folks celebrations so after a little while , we wandered on up the road to a Spanish bar that has karaoke on Saturday nights . Some of our friends were there and we spent a couple of hours in good company with them . For the rest of the week I have been continuing to sort out my room , ready for the big rearranging of it . Last week I showed you my collection of beads ; well here is my collection of pens ! And these are just the water based brush pens . The wooden box at the right , back , contains permanent markers in every colour , and the clear plastic box is gell pens . Just out of the photo , are my metallic markers , and of course , my beloved alcohol ink pens - mostly copic markers . I have always loved colouring , though I am no artist . I was an academic student , and would happily spend hours wrestling with a mathematical problem , or writing an essay . I eventually went on to train as a secondary school teacher of mathematics before changing direction to run a nursery school , which may be why I like balance , order and regular patterns . But as I attended a girls ' grammar school where the emphasis was on the academic subjects , and I was given high praise for my acheivements , I became unable to enjoy anything that I was not fairly good at , and that included art . My art teacher made it clear I was not worth wasting her time on , and for years I would not attempt anything ' artistic ' . Fortunately , many years on I discovered that I may not be an artist but I could do craft , and so my current hobby was begun . But even in my non - art days I still loved a new set of pens . One of the Christmas presents that delighted me as a child was a new pencil case . I can still see it now . It was bright blue with a metallic shine , and when I unzipped it , I found a whole set of coloured pens . It left a lasting impression on me far greater than that of many more extravagant gifts I received . And I still get the same thrill when faced with a new set of pens , paints etc . The first thing I do is make a small mark with each one so I can see the colours properly . The pens I have now are old . Many are Marvy Le Plume water markers that I bought maybe fifteen years ago , so I thought that they would probably be a bit dried up by now . So in the photo I am testing them , and I was surprised to find I only had to throw about four away . They don 't get used as much now I have discovered copics , but I do still get them out now and again . The only pens that have not survived the test of time , are in fact some of the newer ones , and they are the Sakura starburst pens . Only about four of that set still write . But I have other glitter pens , bought out here from Lidls I think . My room will take a long time to sort out if I am so easily distracted , won 't it ? But it is good to look through old stash , and find things that haven 't had an airing for a while . It is like a fresh lot of inspiration , making me want to use everything again . A relatively short post for me this time , and I will probably be busy catching up with Tom this week , but I will try to get back next Friday . But first I will link up with Virginia at Celtic House . There is no Annie 's Smiles this week , as I guess she is busy settling into her new home , and probably does not have internet connected yet . Yes it 's rain , falling on our flagged path this morning . We have had so little rain this year , everywhere is parched and brown , and we certainly don 't expect it in August . Our local forecaster was predicting it , but we all shrugged it off , expecting any that did fall , to land on the surrounding hills before it got to us . But at around 10 . 00 this morning , it started . And what did we do ? Well we went and stood in it of course ! It actually turned into quite a downpour for a while . The water was bouncing off the pool , as I quickly moved some garden cushions to more sheltered places , and made sure my flower pots were far enough away from the walls to benefit from the shower . It was , however , fairly localised . I could see the blue sky just beyond the black clouds . It rained for longer than I expected it too , so maybe it was enough to give the plants a boost , though I doubt whether it will have much impact on the low level of water in the reservoirs . But it ' laid the dust ' , and the temperature has dropped a few degrees which is a great relief to everyone . Even the Spanish folk have been moved to comment on the heat this week , and they are not as prone to commenting on the weather as we British are ! So how have I occupied my time while it has been so hot this week ? Well I have been very grateful for the pool to dip in when I need to cool off . We were in it around midnight most nights , and it is such a relaxing way to end the day . I am also grateful for our shady porch , and the fly screen which takes the edge off the heat of the sun . By around 4 . 00 most afternoons , there is enough shade for me to sit out there and do some more of my cross - stitch picture . I feel I have made real progress with it lately , though there is still a way to go . I have also made some progress with the re - organisation of my craft room . The shed I mentioned last week is constructed and duly filled , giving me more space in my utility and garage . So now I am able to move some of my ' stuff ' out there . But first it has to be sorted through . It is amazing what you find when you sort out . Things you knew you had , but had forgotten about . It makes progress slow but I am getting there ! I spent one day sorting out my beads . Have I ever mentioned I am a hoarder ? ! I can 't bear to throw away anything that I might be able to use one day , which means I have very large collections of some things . I love my patterned papers and my beads . I don 't even feel the need to use them - just to get them out and sort through them now and then . I think it is part of being born a Libran , that I like order , and often get more pleasure from sorting and organising things , than I do from actually using them . So here is my collection of beads . Sorting them is always difficult because you are sure to come across something that doesn 't fit into any of your categories , so you have rethink . Here they are almost done to my satisfaction . You can just glimpse Arwen 's tail in the top , right - hand corner . I had to get all the beads sorted and the lids firmly closed before she took it upon herself to move , and knock them all over the floor ! It took me all day , so I have a few more weeks of sorting to do before everything is ready to be moved . This is my attempt to photograph the super - moon on Sunday night ! There were too many surrounding lights to focus on it . I have to admit that the blue on the floor is not moonlight . It comes from a very powerful spotlight , mounted on a car . And what was the spotlight for ? Well it was part of a very bizarre piece of street drama that marked the end of ' theatre week ' in the village . Basically it was three people travelling in a car , and they were lost , so they kept stopping to ask the way . The man and woman got out each time they stopped , and interacted with the crowd . Then the mother of the woman , ( actually a young man in costume ) had to get out . There were loads of folk lining the streets to witness this , especially families with young children although it was by this time well after 11 . 00 at night . At one stopping place they were joined by a young man riding a miniature motor bike , which , of course , the elderly mother wanted to try . He showed her how to use it and she took off up the road at quite a speed , deliberately swerving from side to side across the road , then doing a sharp U - turn and driving back to the car ! The people were surging all over the road and they sort of parted like a tidal wave to let the motorbike through and then surged together again . Health and Safety as we know it just doesn 't exist out here ! One evening this week I had a phone call from a man from the camera club I have just joined , inviting us to join him at the local bar , so he could show me more things about my camera . I think they are going to be a very supportive group . Here is Chris enjoying the Spanish way of life , while Arthur and I talked cameras ! A couple of days ago I spotted this rather handsome beetle in our garden . Of course I ran in for my camera , and when I had taken a few shots I sent him on his way . Looking him up later in Google , I learned that he is the dreaded red palm weevil that is causing such devastation among the lovely palm trees in this area . If I had known that sooner , he might not have survived his camera shoot ! I am so happy for my internet friend Annie ( of Annie 's Friday Smiles ) . Today she is moving into her new home after a year or so of frustrating broken contracts , and other problems . She 's been packed and ready for months , so I really hope that everything is going smoothly for her today . So now I must be gone , and see what else I can get sorted today . But first I 'll pop over and link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Rocking Your World over on Virginia 's blog . See you next week . Just outside the bar where the club meet , there was a row of date palms . There were fallen fruit everywhere that were like green acorns under our feet . Looking up I was amazed to see this . I have never seen palms with so many boughs of fruit on before . I think it is going to be a good year for fruit again . When there was a bumper crop of citrus fruit last winter , people put it down to the flood the year before , so with such a dry winter this year , we thought the fruit might suffer . But judging by this tree in my neighbour 's garden , there will be no shortage of pomegranates next month . A friend who lives on the urbanisation just across the road from our village , asked Chris if he could help her set up a new tablet so she could send e - mails etc , so this morning we popped over to see her . She has a lovely arched porch on the front of her house , and up in one corner she had what she called her ' summer visitors ' . There was a house martin nest , and every few minutes a little head popped out squawking for food . Then another and another appeared . She thinks there are six babies altogether . We stood there watching for ages hoping to catch the mother feeding them , but her visits were so fleeting that I kept missing her . But eventually our patience was rewarded and I did get this shot , just as she was about to take off again . We left her house and drove on down to Mojacar Playa , as we wanted to visit the big ferreteria down there to buy a second garden storage cupboard , like the one we bought a couple of years ago . This one will store all the bags and crates of dog and cat food , and all my plastic containers , which will hopefully ease the congestion in my utility area . I am constantly trying to make more space , but Spanish houses are always very low on storage space , so it usually means buying another cupboard ! This one is all in pieces in a box right now , but hopefully by next week I 'll be able to show you it all put together and full ! In another bid for space , I have drawn a plan for reorganising my craft room . Again there is limited space to do anything , and I will have to remove a small bookcase that is bolted to the wall . Then I will need to reshuffle the contents of all my drawers and cupboards to accommodate what was on the shelves . So I won 't be showing the end result of that next week , nor anytime very soon , but one day . . . On the drive down the hill to the sea this morning , I took another photo of my favourite tree . Yes it is a dead tree , a very dead tree ! But I love the interwoven branches silhouetted against a blue sky . Usually I am driving when I pass it , but today I was the passenger so I took the opportunity to photograph it again . A few years ago I took some pictures of it and eventually managed to turn it into a digi stamp which I used on some ATC 's . I think this is a better photo so I will see what I can do with it . As the temperature continues to rise , poor Arwen has been getting very uncomfortable , and most days she lays out on our bathroom floor as it is on the cooler side of the house . So on Monday I took her down to the dog groomer to have her hair cut . Because it was not so matted this time , they didn 't shave her quite down to the skin , and they left her with furry boots and tail , and this time she still has quite a ' mane ' around her face , so instead of the usual poodle - cat , this time she is a little lion - cat . As part of my making space campaign , I have been sorting out my kitchen . It is very small anyway , and with a big window on wall one , a larder door central on wall two , the main door and fitted cooker on wall three , and the sink and the door to the outside on wall four , there is very little scope for moving it around . But at least until the end of the summer , I have turned the table around , and completely removed the windows ( they are on rising hinges ) . They have integral shutters that open inwards , so it was always a hazard to sit at the end of the table ! Now I can get to the window and reach to raise and lower the blinds . There is , of course , also a fly screen over them , and metal rejas ( bars ) , so we are quite secure . It makes it a lot lighter in there , and first thing in the morning it is the coolest room , so it is a pleasant place to sit for breakfast . It gets very hot after lunch time , but I have the blinds down by then , and I only do essential cooking in July and August . Yesterday I popped into Lidl 's and bought myself a home yoghurt maker . I did have one years ago , when the boys were small , and I used it all the time , but it fell out of use as they got older , and I believe one of my sons had it when we moved . But now I am making a lot of fruit blends , a plain yoghurt can turn these into a lovely fruit yoghurt drink for breakfast , so I thought this would be useful . It has seven little bottles with lovely bright coloured lids . I tried it out last night , and the yoghurts are now resting in the fridge . I can make all seven pots for the price of buying one , and if I use skimmed milk , the yoghurts are very low fat . I had another very pleasant lunchtime on Wednesday , when the sewing group cleared away and some of them went down to another bar in Turre for tapas . They do this most weeks , but ususally I have my Life Group in the afternoon so I don 't stay with them . However , that stops for the summer months , so for a few weeks I can join them for lunch . We always have a good natter and lots of laughs together . And finally I have another nature photo to show you , that I am quite pleased with . While it is hot we are deafened all day by the continuous noise of the cicadas . They are hard to spot as they fall silent whenever you approach the tree etc where they are . But today I went outside to sort out some cats that were starting a fight in the green zone , and I spotted these two cicadas mating on a grass stem . I rushed back in for my camera and they were still there when I got back . I took several shots , most of which were rubbish , but I kept this one and I think it turned out really well . My smile for this week is a group of our friends whom we spent last Saturday evening with . We were at the home of our friends John and Eileen and we were celebrating John 's 80th birthday ( not that we need an excuse to get together ! ) . His actual birthday was a few weeks ago but they were in UK at the time . John and Eileen are probably the longest standing British residents in our village so they had to learn to communicate with the Spanish when they first came , and are now fluent . Their parties always have a good cross - section of Spanish and English guests and I really enjoy chatting to them . We have a few misunderstandings along the way , but we manage . While we were there , Cati 's husband Pepe asked me if I would meet with his niece , on holiday from Barcelona , who needed some help with English , so on Monday I went to her grandmother 's house . I couldn 't have been given a warmer welcome . I spent a pleasant hour or so chatting with the niece , who is already a kindergarten teacher , but she is learning English just using some very formal Cambridge study books . Folk from Barcelona mostly speak Catalan at home , but use standard Spanish in schools and business , and they are much easier to understand than the folk from the village who speak with a deep Andalucian accent . We do have a number of Spanish acquaintances in the village now , but I always consider it a privilege to be welcomed into their home . I am thankful for the chance to catch up with some reading . Mostly I only do this in bed , and I tend to read the same page three times because I haven 't taken it in , and then drop the book as I fall asleep ! So during the afternoons this week I have read two whole books and have really enjoyed doing so . I am extremely grateful for our newly repaired fly screen around the porch . This year there have been relatively few flies and wasps , but now the fields have been stripped of melons which are at the height of their season , and any that were damaged , too small etc , were left lying on the ground . These ripen and burst open and the flies feed on the sugar and breed , so there will likely be more around now . We have also had a plague of tiny white flies , or possibly moths . We have not had these before and they are a great nuisance . They are attracted to lights so I have my window closed this evening while I work here , as they are small enough to come through the fly - nets , and my computer screen get dotted with them . The good thing about them is that they don 't bite , but they are irritating all the same . They may be tiny but you can still feel them when they land on you . I thought at first they did bite because if you squash one with your finger they leave a red stain , ( blood ? ! ) , but after a bit of investigation via google , I now know they contain a die much like cochineal . Hence the pink lines all over my computer screen ! They are the moth that decimated the chumba ( prickly pears ) all over this region last autumn , so I guess they will be doing the same again this year . They are impervious to all the main fly sprays , but although some are small enough to get in through the nets , many others are not , and in the morning our screens are covered with them , until they die in the heat and fall off . It 's like a snow storm . So without the nets we would be going barmy with them by now . It wasn 't easy to photograph them , but you can see some . I love the way our garden continues to grow in this heat . The oleander at the back of our fence is still hanging bunches of pink blossom over our side . It is a double flower and reminds me of small pink camellias . We inherited some lovely plants with the house , including a beautiful palm out the front . I have seen some of a similar size in the garden centres , selling for upward of 100 € . It is only in a smallish pot but it seems to like it there . All through the winter and spring it got regulalrly blown over by the high winds , and apart from being heavy , it has some wicked spines under its leaves , and it takes both of us to right it again . So it is a wonder it is still alive . But every year or so it produces a new crown of leaves , and these grow so fast that you can almost miss them . When the lads were visiting us just two weeks ago , I pointed out to them a circle of little bumps around the centre of the palm , that I knew would be a new set of leaves . Now just a fortnight later , they are more or less fully grown . They shoot out almost while you watch them , and then they uncurl and look like someone who has has a too tight perm ! This time it was almost a double circle of new growth , and in a few weeks we will have to get down under it and trim off the outer circle of dying leaves . That is how the stem is formed . If we live long enough we will have a palm tree ! The fact that this morning I did the whole month 's supermarket shopping in one trip , so I will only have to go for bread and milk , and to the market for fruit and veg , until September ! I am not a fan of food shopping , and while it is so hot , the last thing I want to do is keep driving to the supermarket . It was a bit of a marathon , and I hate unpacking it and persuading my fridge and freezer to have elastic sides for a week or two , but at least it is done and dusted for this month . Well that 's about it for this week . So I 'm off to link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Virginia 's Rocking your World blog . See you next week . I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well .

Although Annie 's Friday Smiles is not up and running again yet , since her house move , I do have a little smile for you . In fact it was a big smile for me . One of my dear blog - friends , Di , posted today an old card featuring Benjamin bunny , that she had made for her grand - daughter 's first birthday , along with a jumper she knitted for her with the same image . I thought ' I know that jumper ' . I knitted the very same one when my son Benjamin was one , and he just loved it , and wore it for ages . I rooted through some old photos and this was the best I could find in a hurry . He was just taking his first steps . Ben is twenty - - seven now , so Di , it is a very old pattern , but your blog post brought happy memories flooding back . Do visit Di 's blog which you can find here , and see her jumper with its lovely matching card . Now for a little happy story that I should have included last week , but I didn 't have time . The Friday had been a bank holiday here , so there was no market in Turre , so on Saturday I decided to go to the big one in Vera instead . This is spread over a maze of small streets and I always lose my sense of direction when I go there . Because the streets are narrow and very busy , I did not take my wheely - shopper , but instead had a big supermarket ' bag for life ' . I did not intend to buy much , but as usual I got carried away by all the lovely fresh fruit and vegetables , and ended up with a much too heavy bag . Heading back to where I thought I had left the car , I felt the first handle of my bag start to tear . Soon it had broken so I tied it round the other one and continued on my way . Then the second handle gave way so I had no choice but to hoist this huge bag up into my arms and stagger the rest of the way . It was then I realised I had taken the wrong road away from the market , and emerged from the village quite a way from where the car was parked . I sank down onto a bench to consider my options . Hide the bag behind a wall and fetch the car was the best one , but I doubted whether it would still be there when I returned . Then I was approached by a small , stocky man , ( S . American / Spanish I think ) . I was a bit apprehensive , and I didn 't understand the torrent of words he came out with , but then it dawned on me that he was offering to carry my bag . I realised that he was one of the many unemployed men around who are just looking to earn the price of the next meal , but to me he was an answer to prayer . I warned him it was very heavy but he hoisted it up on his shoulders and off we went . It took us about ten minutes to reach the car and all the way we kept up a conversation in my limited Spanish and a few hand signals , but he refused to stop and rest , and soon my bag was safely stowed in the back of the car . I did give him what I hope was a generous tip , and he was as obviously grateful as I was ! Angels in disguise etc . . . . Our week with Tom has been a hot one . We were little under forty degrees some days , and it doesn 't really cool down all evening or even in the night . So Tom has been in and out of the pool all day , and we have had lots of midnight dips . One day we went up to the big pool at the top of the village . We are lucky to have such a big municipal pool and it is always warm and spotlessly clean . I like to go there as it is around 35metres long so I can do some serious swimming rather than bobbing around in ours . Sadly it is only open for July and August , so Sunday will be the last day . It was the first time Tom has been here when it is open , so afterwards we took him to the level above to see the football pitch and the picnic area . I took the photo of the pool , looking down on it from there . The dogs have enjoyed having some different company , and Kim in particular pesters Tom when he sits outside , but he eventually gives in and falls asleep at his feet . This week we were amused to see him sleeping with his paw behind his ear . I don 't know why he did it , but he stayed that way for ages . This morning , ( before the lovely beach front lunch ) we drove to IKEA . This is in Murcia so it is a couple of hours away , but I wanted a new bookcase for my craft room - part of the big reorganisation I am trying to do . Tom helped me make an accurate floor plan on the computer so I could see what I might be able to squeeze in . We came away with a slightly smaller bookcase than I had intended , and a super new computer desk , and even better , my lovely husband paid for them ! ( Hence me treating them both to lunch ! ) . The goods will be delivered on Monday , so hopefully Tom will be able to help with the assembly . I am not very good with the big things , and Chris can 't do them on his own . And to end with here are a couple of sky photos . After a very hot week , today was just a couple of degrees cooler , mainly because there was a light covering of clouds . This meant we might get a nice sunset , so as I was out the back feeding the dogs their tea , I took this photo . There 's a little verse my mum used to say to us , that goes like this : " You Smile , and others Smile , And soon there 's miles and miles of Smiles , and life 's worthwhile because you Smile ! " And we would automatically smile back at her as she gave us her lovely gentle smile . And it still works . So here is my son , smiling when he saw me creeping up on him with camera in hand , and a big smile on my face ! Tom flew out from his new home in Denmark , arriving in the early hours of this morning . So today he had a well earned lie - in , and has then been in and out of the pool , and sitting in the sun enjoying the warmth . We have ten days to catch up on chat . Dad is happy as Tom can talk technical with him , in a what might as well be a foreign language to me , and I enjoy hearing about his new life which seems to be suiting him very well . However , it was not so quiet last Saturday when we could hear music nearby , all through the afternoon . Later it got rather louder and it sounded like a live band which is unusual in the village . When the bars have ' live music ' it is normally one or two singers with taped music to sing to . In the end curiosity got the better of me and I wandered out to investigate . I met Chris , who had been down at the bar watching football , also following the sound , and just in the street behind ours , we came to a new house . It has been built a little at a time over the five years we have been here , and apparently it is now almost complete , so the owners were holding a party in the porch for friends and family . This included the usual abundance of food and drink , and a quartet of muscians playing guitars , saxaphone and drums , and boy was it loud up close ! We were welcomed and could have stayed , but we are not really into gatecrashing other folks celebrations so after a little while , we wandered on up the road to a Spanish bar that has karaoke on Saturday nights . Some of our friends were there and we spent a couple of hours in good company with them . For the rest of the week I have been continuing to sort out my room , ready for the big rearranging of it . Last week I showed you my collection of beads ; well here is my collection of pens ! And these are just the water based brush pens . The wooden box at the right , back , contains permanent markers in every colour , and the clear plastic box is gell pens . Just out of the photo , are my metallic markers , and of course , my beloved alcohol ink pens - mostly copic markers . I have always loved colouring , though I am no artist . I was an academic student , and would happily spend hours wrestling with a mathematical problem , or writing an essay . I eventually went on to train as a secondary school teacher of mathematics before changing direction to run a nursery school , which may be why I like balance , order and regular patterns . But as I attended a girls ' grammar school where the emphasis was on the academic subjects , and I was given high praise for my acheivements , I became unable to enjoy anything that I was not fairly good at , and that included art . My art teacher made it clear I was not worth wasting her time on , and for years I would not attempt anything ' artistic ' . Fortunately , many years on I discovered that I may not be an artist but I could do craft , and so my current hobby was begun . But even in my non - art days I still loved a new set of pens . One of the Christmas presents that delighted me as a child was a new pencil case . I can still see it now . It was bright blue with a metallic shine , and when I unzipped it , I found a whole set of coloured pens . It left a lasting impression on me far greater than that of many more extravagant gifts I received . And I still get the same thrill when faced with a new set of pens , paints etc . The first thing I do is make a small mark with each one so I can see the colours properly . The pens I have now are old . Many are Marvy Le Plume water markers that I bought maybe fifteen years ago , so I thought that they would probably be a bit dried up by now . So in the photo I am testing them , and I was surprised to find I only had to throw about four away . They don 't get used as much now I have discovered copics , but I do still get them out now and again . The only pens that have not survived the test of time , are in fact some of the newer ones , and they are the Sakura starburst pens . Only about four of that set still write . But I have other glitter pens , bought out here from Lidls I think . My room will take a long time to sort out if I am so easily distracted , won 't it ? But it is good to look through old stash , and find things that haven 't had an airing for a while . It is like a fresh lot of inspiration , making me want to use everything again . A relatively short post for me this time , and I will probably be busy catching up with Tom this week , but I will try to get back next Friday . But first I will link up with Virginia at Celtic House . There is no Annie 's Smiles this week , as I guess she is busy settling into her new home , and probably does not have internet connected yet . Yes it 's rain , falling on our flagged path this morning . We have had so little rain this year , everywhere is parched and brown , and we certainly don 't expect it in August . Our local forecaster was predicting it , but we all shrugged it off , expecting any that did fall , to land on the surrounding hills before it got to us . But at around 10 . 00 this morning , it started . And what did we do ? Well we went and stood in it of course ! It actually turned into quite a downpour for a while . The water was bouncing off the pool , as I quickly moved some garden cushions to more sheltered places , and made sure my flower pots were far enough away from the walls to benefit from the shower . It was , however , fairly localised . I could see the blue sky just beyond the black clouds . It rained for longer than I expected it too , so maybe it was enough to give the plants a boost , though I doubt whether it will have much impact on the low level of water in the reservoirs . But it ' laid the dust ' , and the temperature has dropped a few degrees which is a great relief to everyone . Even the Spanish folk have been moved to comment on the heat this week , and they are not as prone to commenting on the weather as we British are ! So how have I occupied my time while it has been so hot this week ? Well I have been very grateful for the pool to dip in when I need to cool off . We were in it around midnight most nights , and it is such a relaxing way to end the day . I am also grateful for our shady porch , and the fly screen which takes the edge off the heat of the sun . By around 4 . 00 most afternoons , there is enough shade for me to sit out there and do some more of my cross - stitch picture . I feel I have made real progress with it lately , though there is still a way to go . I have also made some progress with the re - organisation of my craft room . The shed I mentioned last week is constructed and duly filled , giving me more space in my utility and garage . So now I am able to move some of my ' stuff ' out there . But first it has to be sorted through . It is amazing what you find when you sort out . Things you knew you had , but had forgotten about . It makes progress slow but I am getting there ! I spent one day sorting out my beads . Have I ever mentioned I am a hoarder ? ! I can 't bear to throw away anything that I might be able to use one day , which means I have very large collections of some things . I love my patterned papers and my beads . I don 't even feel the need to use them - just to get them out and sort through them now and then . I think it is part of being born a Libran , that I like order , and often get more pleasure from sorting and organising things , than I do from actually using them . So here is my collection of beads . Sorting them is always difficult because you are sure to come across something that doesn 't fit into any of your categories , so you have rethink . Here they are almost done to my satisfaction . You can just glimpse Arwen 's tail in the top , right - hand corner . I had to get all the beads sorted and the lids firmly closed before she took it upon herself to move , and knock them all over the floor ! It took me all day , so I have a few more weeks of sorting to do before everything is ready to be moved . This is my attempt to photograph the super - moon on Sunday night ! There were too many surrounding lights to focus on it . I have to admit that the blue on the floor is not moonlight . It comes from a very powerful spotlight , mounted on a car . And what was the spotlight for ? Well it was part of a very bizarre piece of street drama that marked the end of ' theatre week ' in the village . Basically it was three people travelling in a car , and they were lost , so they kept stopping to ask the way . The man and woman got out each time they stopped , and interacted with the crowd . Then the mother of the woman , ( actually a young man in costume ) had to get out . There were loads of folk lining the streets to witness this , especially families with young children although it was by this time well after 11 . 00 at night . At one stopping place they were joined by a young man riding a miniature motor bike , which , of course , the elderly mother wanted to try . He showed her how to use it and she took off up the road at quite a speed , deliberately swerving from side to side across the road , then doing a sharp U - turn and driving back to the car ! The people were surging all over the road and they sort of parted like a tidal wave to let the motorbike through and then surged together again . Health and Safety as we know it just doesn 't exist out here ! One evening this week I had a phone call from a man from the camera club I have just joined , inviting us to join him at the local bar , so he could show me more things about my camera . I think they are going to be a very supportive group . Here is Chris enjoying the Spanish way of life , while Arthur and I talked cameras ! A couple of days ago I spotted this rather handsome beetle in our garden . Of course I ran in for my camera , and when I had taken a few shots I sent him on his way . Looking him up later in Google , I learned that he is the dreaded red palm weevil that is causing such devastation among the lovely palm trees in this area . If I had known that sooner , he might not have survived his camera shoot ! I am so happy for my internet friend Annie ( of Annie 's Friday Smiles ) . Today she is moving into her new home after a year or so of frustrating broken contracts , and other problems . She 's been packed and ready for months , so I really hope that everything is going smoothly for her today . So now I must be gone , and see what else I can get sorted today . But first I 'll pop over and link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Rocking Your World over on Virginia 's blog . See you next week . Just outside the bar where the club meet , there was a row of date palms . There were fallen fruit everywhere that were like green acorns under our feet . Looking up I was amazed to see this . I have never seen palms with so many boughs of fruit on before . I think it is going to be a good year for fruit again . When there was a bumper crop of citrus fruit last winter , people put it down to the flood the year before , so with such a dry winter this year , we thought the fruit might suffer . But judging by this tree in my neighbour 's garden , there will be no shortage of pomegranates next month . A friend who lives on the urbanisation just across the road from our village , asked Chris if he could help her set up a new tablet so she could send e - mails etc , so this morning we popped over to see her . She has a lovely arched porch on the front of her house , and up in one corner she had what she called her ' summer visitors ' . There was a house martin nest , and every few minutes a little head popped out squawking for food . Then another and another appeared . She thinks there are six babies altogether . We stood there watching for ages hoping to catch the mother feeding them , but her visits were so fleeting that I kept missing her . But eventually our patience was rewarded and I did get this shot , just as she was about to take off again . We left her house and drove on down to Mojacar Playa , as we wanted to visit the big ferreteria down there to buy a second garden storage cupboard , like the one we bought a couple of years ago . This one will store all the bags and crates of dog and cat food , and all my plastic containers , which will hopefully ease the congestion in my utility area . I am constantly trying to make more space , but Spanish houses are always very low on storage space , so it usually means buying another cupboard ! This one is all in pieces in a box right now , but hopefully by next week I 'll be able to show you it all put together and full ! In another bid for space , I have drawn a plan for reorganising my craft room . Again there is limited space to do anything , and I will have to remove a small bookcase that is bolted to the wall . Then I will need to reshuffle the contents of all my drawers and cupboards to accommodate what was on the shelves . So I won 't be showing the end result of that next week , nor anytime very soon , but one day . . . On the drive down the hill to the sea this morning , I took another photo of my favourite tree . Yes it is a dead tree , a very dead tree ! But I love the interwoven branches silhouetted against a blue sky . Usually I am driving when I pass it , but today I was the passenger so I took the opportunity to photograph it again . A few years ago I took some pictures of it and eventually managed to turn it into a digi stamp which I used on some ATC 's . I think this is a better photo so I will see what I can do with it . As the temperature continues to rise , poor Arwen has been getting very uncomfortable , and most days she lays out on our bathroom floor as it is on the cooler side of the house . So on Monday I took her down to the dog groomer to have her hair cut . Because it was not so matted this time , they didn 't shave her quite down to the skin , and they left her with furry boots and tail , and this time she still has quite a ' mane ' around her face , so instead of the usual poodle - cat , this time she is a little lion - cat . As part of my making space campaign , I have been sorting out my kitchen . It is very small anyway , and with a big window on wall one , a larder door central on wall two , the main door and fitted cooker on wall three , and the sink and the door to the outside on wall four , there is very little scope for moving it around . But at least until the end of the summer , I have turned the table around , and completely removed the windows ( they are on rising hinges ) . They have integral shutters that open inwards , so it was always a hazard to sit at the end of the table ! Now I can get to the window and reach to raise and lower the blinds . There is , of course , also a fly screen over them , and metal rejas ( bars ) , so we are quite secure . It makes it a lot lighter in there , and first thing in the morning it is the coolest room , so it is a pleasant place to sit for breakfast . It gets very hot after lunch time , but I have the blinds down by then , and I only do essential cooking in July and August . Yesterday I popped into Lidl 's and bought myself a home yoghurt maker . I did have one years ago , when the boys were small , and I used it all the time , but it fell out of use as they got older , and I believe one of my sons had it when we moved . But now I am making a lot of fruit blends , a plain yoghurt can turn these into a lovely fruit yoghurt drink for breakfast , so I thought this would be useful . It has seven little bottles with lovely bright coloured lids . I tried it out last night , and the yoghurts are now resting in the fridge . I can make all seven pots for the price of buying one , and if I use skimmed milk , the yoghurts are very low fat . I had another very pleasant lunchtime on Wednesday , when the sewing group cleared away and some of them went down to another bar in Turre for tapas . They do this most weeks , but ususally I have my Life Group in the afternoon so I don 't stay with them . However , that stops for the summer months , so for a few weeks I can join them for lunch . We always have a good natter and lots of laughs together . And finally I have another nature photo to show you , that I am quite pleased with . While it is hot we are deafened all day by the continuous noise of the cicadas . They are hard to spot as they fall silent whenever you approach the tree etc where they are . But today I went outside to sort out some cats that were starting a fight in the green zone , and I spotted these two cicadas mating on a grass stem . I rushed back in for my camera and they were still there when I got back . I took several shots , most of which were rubbish , but I kept this one and I think it turned out really well . My smile for this week is a group of our friends whom we spent last Saturday evening with . We were at the home of our friends John and Eileen and we were celebrating John 's 80th birthday ( not that we need an excuse to get together ! ) . His actual birthday was a few weeks ago but they were in UK at the time . John and Eileen are probably the longest standing British residents in our village so they had to learn to communicate with the Spanish when they first came , and are now fluent . Their parties always have a good cross - section of Spanish and English guests and I really enjoy chatting to them . We have a few misunderstandings along the way , but we manage . While we were there , Cati 's husband Pepe asked me if I would meet with his niece , on holiday from Barcelona , who needed some help with English , so on Monday I went to her grandmother 's house . I couldn 't have been given a warmer welcome . I spent a pleasant hour or so chatting with the niece , who is already a kindergarten teacher , but she is learning English just using some very formal Cambridge study books . Folk from Barcelona mostly speak Catalan at home , but use standard Spanish in schools and business , and they are much easier to understand than the folk from the village who speak with a deep Andalucian accent . We do have a number of Spanish acquaintances in the village now , but I always consider it a privilege to be welcomed into their home . I am thankful for the chance to catch up with some reading . Mostly I only do this in bed , and I tend to read the same page three times because I haven 't taken it in , and then drop the book as I fall asleep ! So during the afternoons this week I have read two whole books and have really enjoyed doing so . I am extremely grateful for our newly repaired fly screen around the porch . This year there have been relatively few flies and wasps , but now the fields have been stripped of melons which are at the height of their season , and any that were damaged , too small etc , were left lying on the ground . These ripen and burst open and the flies feed on the sugar and breed , so there will likely be more around now . We have also had a plague of tiny white flies , or possibly moths . We have not had these before and they are a great nuisance . They are attracted to lights so I have my window closed this evening while I work here , as they are small enough to come through the fly - nets , and my computer screen get dotted with them . The good thing about them is that they don 't bite , but they are irritating all the same . They may be tiny but you can still feel them when they land on you . I thought at first they did bite because if you squash one with your finger they leave a red stain , ( blood ? ! ) , but after a bit of investigation via google , I now know they contain a die much like cochineal . Hence the pink lines all over my computer screen ! They are the moth that decimated the chumba ( prickly pears ) all over this region last autumn , so I guess they will be doing the same again this year . They are impervious to all the main fly sprays , but although some are small enough to get in through the nets , many others are not , and in the morning our screens are covered with them , until they die in the heat and fall off . It 's like a snow storm . So without the nets we would be going barmy with them by now . It wasn 't easy to photograph them , but you can see some . I love the way our garden continues to grow in this heat . The oleander at the back of our fence is still hanging bunches of pink blossom over our side . It is a double flower and reminds me of small pink camellias . We inherited some lovely plants with the house , including a beautiful palm out the front . I have seen some of a similar size in the garden centres , selling for upward of 100 € . It is only in a smallish pot but it seems to like it there . All through the winter and spring it got regulalrly blown over by the high winds , and apart from being heavy , it has some wicked spines under its leaves , and it takes both of us to right it again . So it is a wonder it is still alive . But every year or so it produces a new crown of leaves , and these grow so fast that you can almost miss them . When the lads were visiting us just two weeks ago , I pointed out to them a circle of little bumps around the centre of the palm , that I knew would be a new set of leaves . Now just a fortnight later , they are more or less fully grown . They shoot out almost while you watch them , and then they uncurl and look like someone who has has a too tight perm ! This time it was almost a double circle of new growth , and in a few weeks we will have to get down under it and trim off the outer circle of dying leaves . That is how the stem is formed . If we live long enough we will have a palm tree ! The fact that this morning I did the whole month 's supermarket shopping in one trip , so I will only have to go for bread and milk , and to the market for fruit and veg , until September ! I am not a fan of food shopping , and while it is so hot , the last thing I want to do is keep driving to the supermarket . It was a bit of a marathon , and I hate unpacking it and persuading my fridge and freezer to have elastic sides for a week or two , but at least it is done and dusted for this month . Well that 's about it for this week . So I 'm off to link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Virginia 's Rocking your World blog . See you next week . I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well .

Although Annie 's Friday Smiles is not up and running again yet , since her house move , I do have a little smile for you . In fact it was a big smile for me . One of my dear blog - friends , Di , posted today an old card featuring Benjamin bunny , that she had made for her grand - daughter 's first birthday , along with a jumper she knitted for her with the same image . I thought ' I know that jumper ' . I knitted the very same one when my son Benjamin was one , and he just loved it , and wore it for ages . I rooted through some old photos and this was the best I could find in a hurry . He was just taking his first steps . Ben is twenty - - seven now , so Di , it is a very old pattern , but your blog post brought happy memories flooding back . Do visit Di 's blog which you can find here , and see her jumper with its lovely matching card . Now for a little happy story that I should have included last week , but I didn 't have time . The Friday had been a bank holiday here , so there was no market in Turre , so on Saturday I decided to go to the big one in Vera instead . This is spread over a maze of small streets and I always lose my sense of direction when I go there . Because the streets are narrow and very busy , I did not take my wheely - shopper , but instead had a big supermarket ' bag for life ' . I did not intend to buy much , but as usual I got carried away by all the lovely fresh fruit and vegetables , and ended up with a much too heavy bag . Heading back to where I thought I had left the car , I felt the first handle of my bag start to tear . Soon it had broken so I tied it round the other one and continued on my way . Then the second handle gave way so I had no choice but to hoist this huge bag up into my arms and stagger the rest of the way . It was then I realised I had taken the wrong road away from the market , and emerged from the village quite a way from where the car was parked . I sank down onto a bench to consider my options . Hide the bag behind a wall and fetch the car was the best one , but I doubted whether it would still be there when I returned . Then I was approached by a small , stocky man , ( S . American / Spanish I think ) . I was a bit apprehensive , and I didn 't understand the torrent of words he came out with , but then it dawned on me that he was offering to carry my bag . I realised that he was one of the many unemployed men around who are just looking to earn the price of the next meal , but to me he was an answer to prayer . I warned him it was very heavy but he hoisted it up on his shoulders and off we went . It took us about ten minutes to reach the car and all the way we kept up a conversation in my limited Spanish and a few hand signals , but he refused to stop and rest , and soon my bag was safely stowed in the back of the car . I did give him what I hope was a generous tip , and he was as obviously grateful as I was ! Angels in disguise etc . . . . Our week with Tom has been a hot one . We were little under forty degrees some days , and it doesn 't really cool down all evening or even in the night . So Tom has been in and out of the pool all day , and we have had lots of midnight dips . One day we went up to the big pool at the top of the village . We are lucky to have such a big municipal pool and it is always warm and spotlessly clean . I like to go there as it is around 35metres long so I can do some serious swimming rather than bobbing around in ours . Sadly it is only open for July and August , so Sunday will be the last day . It was the first time Tom has been here when it is open , so afterwards we took him to the level above to see the football pitch and the picnic area . I took the photo of the pool , looking down on it from there . The dogs have enjoyed having some different company , and Kim in particular pesters Tom when he sits outside , but he eventually gives in and falls asleep at his feet . This week we were amused to see him sleeping with his paw behind his ear . I don 't know why he did it , but he stayed that way for ages . This morning , ( before the lovely beach front lunch ) we drove to IKEA . This is in Murcia so it is a couple of hours away , but I wanted a new bookcase for my craft room - part of the big reorganisation I am trying to do . Tom helped me make an accurate floor plan on the computer so I could see what I might be able to squeeze in . We came away with a slightly smaller bookcase than I had intended , and a super new computer desk , and even better , my lovely husband paid for them ! ( Hence me treating them both to lunch ! ) . The goods will be delivered on Monday , so hopefully Tom will be able to help with the assembly . I am not very good with the big things , and Chris can 't do them on his own . And to end with here are a couple of sky photos . After a very hot week , today was just a couple of degrees cooler , mainly because there was a light covering of clouds . This meant we might get a nice sunset , so as I was out the back feeding the dogs their tea , I took this photo . There 's a little verse my mum used to say to us , that goes like this : " You Smile , and others Smile , And soon there 's miles and miles of Smiles , and life 's worthwhile because you Smile ! " And we would automatically smile back at her as she gave us her lovely gentle smile . And it still works . So here is my son , smiling when he saw me creeping up on him with camera in hand , and a big smile on my face ! Tom flew out from his new home in Denmark , arriving in the early hours of this morning . So today he had a well earned lie - in , and has then been in and out of the pool , and sitting in the sun enjoying the warmth . We have ten days to catch up on chat . Dad is happy as Tom can talk technical with him , in a what might as well be a foreign language to me , and I enjoy hearing about his new life which seems to be suiting him very well . However , it was not so quiet last Saturday when we could hear music nearby , all through the afternoon . Later it got rather louder and it sounded like a live band which is unusual in the village . When the bars have ' live music ' it is normally one or two singers with taped music to sing to . In the end curiosity got the better of me and I wandered out to investigate . I met Chris , who had been down at the bar watching football , also following the sound , and just in the street behind ours , we came to a new house . It has been built a little at a time over the five years we have been here , and apparently it is now almost complete , so the owners were holding a party in the porch for friends and family . This included the usual abundance of food and drink , and a quartet of muscians playing guitars , saxaphone and drums , and boy was it loud up close ! We were welcomed and could have stayed , but we are not really into gatecrashing other folks celebrations so after a little while , we wandered on up the road to a Spanish bar that has karaoke on Saturday nights . Some of our friends were there and we spent a couple of hours in good company with them . For the rest of the week I have been continuing to sort out my room , ready for the big rearranging of it . Last week I showed you my collection of beads ; well here is my collection of pens ! And these are just the water based brush pens . The wooden box at the right , back , contains permanent markers in every colour , and the clear plastic box is gell pens . Just out of the photo , are my metallic markers , and of course , my beloved alcohol ink pens - mostly copic markers . I have always loved colouring , though I am no artist . I was an academic student , and would happily spend hours wrestling with a mathematical problem , or writing an essay . I eventually went on to train as a secondary school teacher of mathematics before changing direction to run a nursery school , which may be why I like balance , order and regular patterns . But as I attended a girls ' grammar school where the emphasis was on the academic subjects , and I was given high praise for my acheivements , I became unable to enjoy anything that I was not fairly good at , and that included art . My art teacher made it clear I was not worth wasting her time on , and for years I would not attempt anything ' artistic ' . Fortunately , many years on I discovered that I may not be an artist but I could do craft , and so my current hobby was begun . But even in my non - art days I still loved a new set of pens . One of the Christmas presents that delighted me as a child was a new pencil case . I can still see it now . It was bright blue with a metallic shine , and when I unzipped it , I found a whole set of coloured pens . It left a lasting impression on me far greater than that of many more extravagant gifts I received . And I still get the same thrill when faced with a new set of pens , paints etc . The first thing I do is make a small mark with each one so I can see the colours properly . The pens I have now are old . Many are Marvy Le Plume water markers that I bought maybe fifteen years ago , so I thought that they would probably be a bit dried up by now . So in the photo I am testing them , and I was surprised to find I only had to throw about four away . They don 't get used as much now I have discovered copics , but I do still get them out now and again . The only pens that have not survived the test of time , are in fact some of the newer ones , and they are the Sakura starburst pens . Only about four of that set still write . But I have other glitter pens , bought out here from Lidls I think . My room will take a long time to sort out if I am so easily distracted , won 't it ? But it is good to look through old stash , and find things that haven 't had an airing for a while . It is like a fresh lot of inspiration , making me want to use everything again . A relatively short post for me this time , and I will probably be busy catching up with Tom this week , but I will try to get back next Friday . But first I will link up with Virginia at Celtic House . There is no Annie 's Smiles this week , as I guess she is busy settling into her new home , and probably does not have internet connected yet . Yes it 's rain , falling on our flagged path this morning . We have had so little rain this year , everywhere is parched and brown , and we certainly don 't expect it in August . Our local forecaster was predicting it , but we all shrugged it off , expecting any that did fall , to land on the surrounding hills before it got to us . But at around 10 . 00 this morning , it started . And what did we do ? Well we went and stood in it of course ! It actually turned into quite a downpour for a while . The water was bouncing off the pool , as I quickly moved some garden cushions to more sheltered places , and made sure my flower pots were far enough away from the walls to benefit from the shower . It was , however , fairly localised . I could see the blue sky just beyond the black clouds . It rained for longer than I expected it too , so maybe it was enough to give the plants a boost , though I doubt whether it will have much impact on the low level of water in the reservoirs . But it ' laid the dust ' , and the temperature has dropped a few degrees which is a great relief to everyone . Even the Spanish folk have been moved to comment on the heat this week , and they are not as prone to commenting on the weather as we British are ! So how have I occupied my time while it has been so hot this week ? Well I have been very grateful for the pool to dip in when I need to cool off . We were in it around midnight most nights , and it is such a relaxing way to end the day . I am also grateful for our shady porch , and the fly screen which takes the edge off the heat of the sun . By around 4 . 00 most afternoons , there is enough shade for me to sit out there and do some more of my cross - stitch picture . I feel I have made real progress with it lately , though there is still a way to go . I have also made some progress with the re - organisation of my craft room . The shed I mentioned last week is constructed and duly filled , giving me more space in my utility and garage . So now I am able to move some of my ' stuff ' out there . But first it has to be sorted through . It is amazing what you find when you sort out . Things you knew you had , but had forgotten about . It makes progress slow but I am getting there ! I spent one day sorting out my beads . Have I ever mentioned I am a hoarder ? ! I can 't bear to throw away anything that I might be able to use one day , which means I have very large collections of some things . I love my patterned papers and my beads . I don 't even feel the need to use them - just to get them out and sort through them now and then . I think it is part of being born a Libran , that I like order , and often get more pleasure from sorting and organising things , than I do from actually using them . So here is my collection of beads . Sorting them is always difficult because you are sure to come across something that doesn 't fit into any of your categories , so you have rethink . Here they are almost done to my satisfaction . You can just glimpse Arwen 's tail in the top , right - hand corner . I had to get all the beads sorted and the lids firmly closed before she took it upon herself to move , and knock them all over the floor ! It took me all day , so I have a few more weeks of sorting to do before everything is ready to be moved . This is my attempt to photograph the super - moon on Sunday night ! There were too many surrounding lights to focus on it . I have to admit that the blue on the floor is not moonlight . It comes from a very powerful spotlight , mounted on a car . And what was the spotlight for ? Well it was part of a very bizarre piece of street drama that marked the end of ' theatre week ' in the village . Basically it was three people travelling in a car , and they were lost , so they kept stopping to ask the way . The man and woman got out each time they stopped , and interacted with the crowd . Then the mother of the woman , ( actually a young man in costume ) had to get out . There were loads of folk lining the streets to witness this , especially families with young children although it was by this time well after 11 . 00 at night . At one stopping place they were joined by a young man riding a miniature motor bike , which , of course , the elderly mother wanted to try . He showed her how to use it and she took off up the road at quite a speed , deliberately swerving from side to side across the road , then doing a sharp U - turn and driving back to the car ! The people were surging all over the road and they sort of parted like a tidal wave to let the motorbike through and then surged together again . Health and Safety as we know it just doesn 't exist out here ! One evening this week I had a phone call from a man from the camera club I have just joined , inviting us to join him at the local bar , so he could show me more things about my camera . I think they are going to be a very supportive group . Here is Chris enjoying the Spanish way of life , while Arthur and I talked cameras ! A couple of days ago I spotted this rather handsome beetle in our garden . Of course I ran in for my camera , and when I had taken a few shots I sent him on his way . Looking him up later in Google , I learned that he is the dreaded red palm weevil that is causing such devastation among the lovely palm trees in this area . If I had known that sooner , he might not have survived his camera shoot ! I am so happy for my internet friend Annie ( of Annie 's Friday Smiles ) . Today she is moving into her new home after a year or so of frustrating broken contracts , and other problems . She 's been packed and ready for months , so I really hope that everything is going smoothly for her today . So now I must be gone , and see what else I can get sorted today . But first I 'll pop over and link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Rocking Your World over on Virginia 's blog . See you next week . Just outside the bar where the club meet , there was a row of date palms . There were fallen fruit everywhere that were like green acorns under our feet . Looking up I was amazed to see this . I have never seen palms with so many boughs of fruit on before . I think it is going to be a good year for fruit again . When there was a bumper crop of citrus fruit last winter , people put it down to the flood the year before , so with such a dry winter this year , we thought the fruit might suffer . But judging by this tree in my neighbour 's garden , there will be no shortage of pomegranates next month . A friend who lives on the urbanisation just across the road from our village , asked Chris if he could help her set up a new tablet so she could send e - mails etc , so this morning we popped over to see her . She has a lovely arched porch on the front of her house , and up in one corner she had what she called her ' summer visitors ' . There was a house martin nest , and every few minutes a little head popped out squawking for food . Then another and another appeared . She thinks there are six babies altogether . We stood there watching for ages hoping to catch the mother feeding them , but her visits were so fleeting that I kept missing her . But eventually our patience was rewarded and I did get this shot , just as she was about to take off again . We left her house and drove on down to Mojacar Playa , as we wanted to visit the big ferreteria down there to buy a second garden storage cupboard , like the one we bought a couple of years ago . This one will store all the bags and crates of dog and cat food , and all my plastic containers , which will hopefully ease the congestion in my utility area . I am constantly trying to make more space , but Spanish houses are always very low on storage space , so it usually means buying another cupboard ! This one is all in pieces in a box right now , but hopefully by next week I 'll be able to show you it all put together and full ! In another bid for space , I have drawn a plan for reorganising my craft room . Again there is limited space to do anything , and I will have to remove a small bookcase that is bolted to the wall . Then I will need to reshuffle the contents of all my drawers and cupboards to accommodate what was on the shelves . So I won 't be showing the end result of that next week , nor anytime very soon , but one day . . . On the drive down the hill to the sea this morning , I took another photo of my favourite tree . Yes it is a dead tree , a very dead tree ! But I love the interwoven branches silhouetted against a blue sky . Usually I am driving when I pass it , but today I was the passenger so I took the opportunity to photograph it again . A few years ago I took some pictures of it and eventually managed to turn it into a digi stamp which I used on some ATC 's . I think this is a better photo so I will see what I can do with it . As the temperature continues to rise , poor Arwen has been getting very uncomfortable , and most days she lays out on our bathroom floor as it is on the cooler side of the house . So on Monday I took her down to the dog groomer to have her hair cut . Because it was not so matted this time , they didn 't shave her quite down to the skin , and they left her with furry boots and tail , and this time she still has quite a ' mane ' around her face , so instead of the usual poodle - cat , this time she is a little lion - cat . As part of my making space campaign , I have been sorting out my kitchen . It is very small anyway , and with a big window on wall one , a larder door central on wall two , the main door and fitted cooker on wall three , and the sink and the door to the outside on wall four , there is very little scope for moving it around . But at least until the end of the summer , I have turned the table around , and completely removed the windows ( they are on rising hinges ) . They have integral shutters that open inwards , so it was always a hazard to sit at the end of the table ! Now I can get to the window and reach to raise and lower the blinds . There is , of course , also a fly screen over them , and metal rejas ( bars ) , so we are quite secure . It makes it a lot lighter in there , and first thing in the morning it is the coolest room , so it is a pleasant place to sit for breakfast . It gets very hot after lunch time , but I have the blinds down by then , and I only do essential cooking in July and August . Yesterday I popped into Lidl 's and bought myself a home yoghurt maker . I did have one years ago , when the boys were small , and I used it all the time , but it fell out of use as they got older , and I believe one of my sons had it when we moved . But now I am making a lot of fruit blends , a plain yoghurt can turn these into a lovely fruit yoghurt drink for breakfast , so I thought this would be useful . It has seven little bottles with lovely bright coloured lids . I tried it out last night , and the yoghurts are now resting in the fridge . I can make all seven pots for the price of buying one , and if I use skimmed milk , the yoghurts are very low fat . I had another very pleasant lunchtime on Wednesday , when the sewing group cleared away and some of them went down to another bar in Turre for tapas . They do this most weeks , but ususally I have my Life Group in the afternoon so I don 't stay with them . However , that stops for the summer months , so for a few weeks I can join them for lunch . We always have a good natter and lots of laughs together . And finally I have another nature photo to show you , that I am quite pleased with . While it is hot we are deafened all day by the continuous noise of the cicadas . They are hard to spot as they fall silent whenever you approach the tree etc where they are . But today I went outside to sort out some cats that were starting a fight in the green zone , and I spotted these two cicadas mating on a grass stem . I rushed back in for my camera and they were still there when I got back . I took several shots , most of which were rubbish , but I kept this one and I think it turned out really well . My smile for this week is a group of our friends whom we spent last Saturday evening with . We were at the home of our friends John and Eileen and we were celebrating John 's 80th birthday ( not that we need an excuse to get together ! ) . His actual birthday was a few weeks ago but they were in UK at the time . John and Eileen are probably the longest standing British residents in our village so they had to learn to communicate with the Spanish when they first came , and are now fluent . Their parties always have a good cross - section of Spanish and English guests and I really enjoy chatting to them . We have a few misunderstandings along the way , but we manage . While we were there , Cati 's husband Pepe asked me if I would meet with his niece , on holiday from Barcelona , who needed some help with English , so on Monday I went to her grandmother 's house . I couldn 't have been given a warmer welcome . I spent a pleasant hour or so chatting with the niece , who is already a kindergarten teacher , but she is learning English just using some very formal Cambridge study books . Folk from Barcelona mostly speak Catalan at home , but use standard Spanish in schools and business , and they are much easier to understand than the folk from the village who speak with a deep Andalucian accent . We do have a number of Spanish acquaintances in the village now , but I always consider it a privilege to be welcomed into their home . I am thankful for the chance to catch up with some reading . Mostly I only do this in bed , and I tend to read the same page three times because I haven 't taken it in , and then drop the book as I fall asleep ! So during the afternoons this week I have read two whole books and have really enjoyed doing so . I am extremely grateful for our newly repaired fly screen around the porch . This year there have been relatively few flies and wasps , but now the fields have been stripped of melons which are at the height of their season , and any that were damaged , too small etc , were left lying on the ground . These ripen and burst open and the flies feed on the sugar and breed , so there will likely be more around now . We have also had a plague of tiny white flies , or possibly moths . We have not had these before and they are a great nuisance . They are attracted to lights so I have my window closed this evening while I work here , as they are small enough to come through the fly - nets , and my computer screen get dotted with them . The good thing about them is that they don 't bite , but they are irritating all the same . They may be tiny but you can still feel them when they land on you . I thought at first they did bite because if you squash one with your finger they leave a red stain , ( blood ? ! ) , but after a bit of investigation via google , I now know they contain a die much like cochineal . Hence the pink lines all over my computer screen ! They are the moth that decimated the chumba ( prickly pears ) all over this region last autumn , so I guess they will be doing the same again this year . They are impervious to all the main fly sprays , but although some are small enough to get in through the nets , many others are not , and in the morning our screens are covered with them , until they die in the heat and fall off . It 's like a snow storm . So without the nets we would be going barmy with them by now . It wasn 't easy to photograph them , but you can see some . I love the way our garden continues to grow in this heat . The oleander at the back of our fence is still hanging bunches of pink blossom over our side . It is a double flower and reminds me of small pink camellias . We inherited some lovely plants with the house , including a beautiful palm out the front . I have seen some of a similar size in the garden centres , selling for upward of 100 € . It is only in a smallish pot but it seems to like it there . All through the winter and spring it got regulalrly blown over by the high winds , and apart from being heavy , it has some wicked spines under its leaves , and it takes both of us to right it again . So it is a wonder it is still alive . But every year or so it produces a new crown of leaves , and these grow so fast that you can almost miss them . When the lads were visiting us just two weeks ago , I pointed out to them a circle of little bumps around the centre of the palm , that I knew would be a new set of leaves . Now just a fortnight later , they are more or less fully grown . They shoot out almost while you watch them , and then they uncurl and look like someone who has has a too tight perm ! This time it was almost a double circle of new growth , and in a few weeks we will have to get down under it and trim off the outer circle of dying leaves . That is how the stem is formed . If we live long enough we will have a palm tree ! The fact that this morning I did the whole month 's supermarket shopping in one trip , so I will only have to go for bread and milk , and to the market for fruit and veg , until September ! I am not a fan of food shopping , and while it is so hot , the last thing I want to do is keep driving to the supermarket . It was a bit of a marathon , and I hate unpacking it and persuading my fridge and freezer to have elastic sides for a week or two , but at least it is done and dusted for this month . Well that 's about it for this week . So I 'm off to link up with Annie 's Friday Smiles and Virginia 's Rocking your World blog . See you next week . I now live permanently in Los Gallardos , a small village in Andalucia , Southern Spain with my husband Chris . It was hard to leave five sons , their partners , and seven grand - children back at home , but we hope they will all come to visit us when they can . The exciting news is that I now have a great - grandson as well .

December 31st , 2007 Wilson and I were planning on responding on calls today . When one came out , the Rescue was out of service , so we didn 't get to go anyway . The Rescue came back in service around five in the evening . So I didn 't get to play today . I worked on my table saw . I want to get a new blade for it . So I was going to have to get the old one off of it . I got some stuff to help loose the bolt because when I looked at it , it appeared to be pretty gunked up . I worked on the bolt for about twenty minutes before I was able to get it off . It turned out that Pullman Building Supply was closed . I wasn 't able to get a new blade anyway . I spent part of the day messing around on the computer . Some of the day was spent watching some TV shows . I feel like there are a lot of things I want to get done . I am at a point where I wanted to work on my big project involving the reserve website but the problem is I didn 't want to waste this day away just doing that . The new years eve parties only come once a year and I wanted to partake in at least one . Doug said he was working at The Zuu . So I decided to go there . Mark was there and we spent most of the time I was there talking . Peter showed up for a while . He blind sided me with a new years kiss on the cheek . I saw Catlin there . His girl is the one who I always buy my pop from down at the Tesoro . While at The Zuu I noticed the DJ . He was a ten - six - seven . I watched him for a while . Then I found out that Peter knew him , so I asked Peter what his name was . I also saw this other ten - six - seven . He was an all around hottie . He had the ski - jump style nose , a nice trimmed patch of hair under his chin . He was the boy next door type . I just enjoyed the view as I was standing there talking to people . December 30th , 2007 Ken the Fireman M is no longer . He has taken a job as a pastor at his church . He is giving up firefighting as a full - time career . He said he knees just cannot take it anymore . So , as he said , God has shown him the light to his new career . I wanted to hang out with Ken on his last day . I have spent many hours in the last five years sitting at the fire station with Ken . I was at home when I heard Ken tone out a transfer . I called him and let him know that I was going to come down there and if there was not a crew that showed up , that I would be there shortly . As it turned out I was needed . So I met up with the ambulance on scene . It turned out to be a mental patient . So that added a bunch of fun as I had to deal with someone who was not very happy that I was around . The mental health worker was able to help us out . While I was writing my report at the hospital , David , one of the EMT 's had to get his wife . So he got a ride to my truck and drove my truck to the fire station . He then got his car and picked up his wife . Following the transfers it was time to go back to the station . I said hello to Ken and then went to Rosauers . I was going to get a cake for us to have . I was going to have it say " Happy Birthday Ken 3 . 0 ″ . That was in relation to the fact he was military , then fire , and now a pastor . So this is his third iteration of a career path . He thought that was cool . But do to the transfer call I wasn 't able to get the cake . Instead I got him and I some ice cream to share . I stayed at the fire station until around nine o ' clock PM . We didn 't get any other calls while I was at the fire station . December 29th , 2007 I met up with Russell this afternoon . I wanted him to read my Town Crier III column . He read it and really liked it . So I was pretty happy about that . I wasn 't sure if it was going to make sense or be worth printing . It is sort of a fluffy crappy one , but it is the first one of the new year and I don 't want to do anything too outlandish yet . Russell and I decided to go see Charlie Wilson 's War . We both liked the movie . Russell always gets more philosophical and tries to relate thing they are doing in the movie to real life . I prefer to leave it as a story . I don 't try to find the hidden messages . When it was done I gave Russell a ride to someones condo . I texted Brandon and we decided to go to The Zuu . We played some pool with Kevin who was already up there . Peter was up there as well . I also saw Doug . There was talk about setting up a poker game at my place , but that fell through quiet rapidly . Brandon and I stayed there until the bar was closed and we were kicked out . We were talking about his chances of being a police officer . We were also talking about guns and concealed carry issues . It was a nice conversation with Brandon . It was great to get a chance to just hang out with him . December 28th , 2007 Today was the final day of the men 's basketball pre - Pac - Ten games . It was a pretty easy victory for the men . I worked it with Nick . I spent a fair amount of the time talking to the WSU cops . We first talked about a recent death that took place on campus . It was a pretty tragic thing . Later on I was just chatting with a couple other ones about Colfax PD . One of them was a Colfax cop for a while . Towards the end of the game the Cougar starters were all on the bench to make way for the young guys to get play time . They got a lot of it today . I got a text message from Mike D . He was in town for the basketball game . He asked if I was interested in going to Pete 's for Wiley 's . I was on call for the Coroner so I could not drink , but I wanted to see Mike . It has been a while . He now lives in Montana . I drove down there in the Bumblebee when I saw that Pete 's was closed . Soon I saw three people walking down the road including Mike . He had two girls with him and that all had Wiley glasses . We ended up going to Rico 's . I saw Johnson there . I gave him a howdy . Then I was introduced to a guy named Nick . He was blue eyed and ten - six - seven . I also got some non - weedeater - owning vibes from him . Mike , the girls , and I went up stairs and played some pool . Soon Nick and the girl he was with joined us . At first I was thinking that he was her boyfriend . Later I found out he is not her boyfriend . Peter and Kevin showed up . We were messing around texting each other . We were making some sort - of inside jokes about Nick being gay . Or really we were insinuating that he was gay . The thing about him was he was flamboyant and he was cocky at the same time . He was beating me in pool and we were really crap talking each other . I was doing it all in fun . As the night was winding down and we were getting ready to go he was asking me some honest questions about buying or renting houses . I was trying to give him some good information . But with his intoxication level I was thinking at best he was going getting sound bites . He did let me know where he worked . I might poke my head in there someday . I am going to not write it in here as I don 't want to give away who I am talking about here . December 27th , 2007 This afternoon we had our Coroner 's Christmas Party . We had a normal meeting but Pete brought in food for us to chow on during the meeting . I brought in the large car crash collage that I was putting together some time ago . While it sat in my room I got so use to it , that when I took it out of here coming into my office , there was a huge missing item . The wall looks so white in that area now . Pete and the others really liked it . I was happy about that . Everyone looked at it , and we talked about all the cases involved with each one . We just spent time talking about random stuff and make our schedules . It was a good time there . When it was over with I went back to Pullman . I was on call tonight , but turned out to be dead again tonight . It has been really quiet during the evenings here . December 26th , 2007 The only real plans for the day was to head back to Pullman . I got my stuff packed and loaded into my truck . I had to make a couple phone calls about the insurance coverage from my surgery as well , but that was something I would do on my way to Pullman . I hit the road . I knew they pass conditions where not great , but not bad either . I was told that the state patrol was holding up traffic near mile post forty - seven to check for chains or four - wheel drive vehicle . That caused nearly a SIX MILE BACKUP ! It was stop and go for a great length of time . Well the urge to relieve myself of liquids was great . I saw mile post forty - two coming up and Tinkham road was there . I worked my way over and took the exit . I was dismayed when I saw the exit was crawling with people participating in recreational activities . I went up this road . I was pretty sure it would end at I - Ninety near the police road block . That would cut out about five miles of traffic . I also figured I would find a place to go pee . The problem that I ran into was that the snow was really deep on the side of the road . There were two tracks where peoples ' tires drive . In front of me was a car and a truck . The car was starting to have problems . The guy stopped and came back to talk with me and the guy in the truck . Finally it was decided that he could not continue up the hill . So without a place to move out of the way , we would have to back out of there . I wasn 't worried about that . But I wanted to go forward not backwards , and I still needed to go to the bathroom . After backing a short period of time I thought I saw a spot I could pull over . But what happened was instead I got stuck in deep snow . I was mad because I was stuck . I was also worried because I was stuck . The people above me could not get around me either . So they stopped and assisted me in getting un - stuck . While we were digging the truck out , I said , " just a second , I need to go look at something " . I jumped a small stream and ran up a hill . I was finally able to relieve myWe continued down , but now vehicles were partly in the roadway . That caused me to move wide , and I got stuck again . After I got stuck , one of the guys came down from where he was and moved his truck , that didn 't do me any good . But some people helped me get out . I got back on I - ninety and continued my slow process of getting over the mountain . Once across the mountain , it had been nearly three hours to get from Seattle to Ellensburg . Some of that was the time getting stuck . The roads were now bare and dry . I was able to fly . I made up for lost time . When I got to Whitman county the roads looked wet . I was not sure if it was icy , or if it was the chemical that is put on the road to stop from freezing . I drove with caution . But around milepost one - twenty - six on SR Twenty - Six the roads were icy . I slowed down . A truck I had been following all the way in lost control on a corner . She swerved back and forth across both lanes . She was lucky no one was coming . She lost control because as we rounded a corner someone else had gone off into a ditch . She hit her brakes and started to lose control . I thought she was going to hit the other vehicle . But instead she missed it and just went on to the opposite shoulder of the road . No injuries in either situation . I continued on . I saw one other vehicle that had gone off the road . I called in both on my radio . I let Whitcom know that we had three cars off the road within one mile . I said the road conditions were really bad . I went to Colfax fire and hung out there . But no calls came in while I was there . I was hoping for something . Tim was working and Bryson was on for the police . They gave me a hard time about not stopping to take care of the slide offs . I laughed and said that had I done that I would have probably be run over due to the bad road conditions and the fact I had no warning devices to allow the other drivers to know of the danger . December 25th , 2007 I spent a fair amount of time sending out messages to friends on MySpace and via text messages wishing people a Merry Christmas . When I got up my Mom had breakfast ready to go . We ate then went in to open presents . I made out really well . I got pretty much everything that I asked for on my list . I got a power router ( the tool not network device ) , a chainsaw to go with the Ryobi tool set I have , some three ring binders and dividers , a Jeff Foxworthy Redneck calendar , an ought - seven proof set with the presidential coins , and a WSU t - shirt . I started to look into the proof sets I have . I didn 't get them for a couple years . So I went online to re - order the missing sets . I also found out one set I have is worth about one - hundred and seventy five buck . I am not sure what makes it so valuable , but it is at a crazy level . Bill went to pick up his dad to bring him back for Christmas Dinner . While he was gone it started to snow . We had a brief white Christmas . The weather reporter earlier had reported that there have been about five white Christmases in the last one hundred years . So they are rare . It snowed enough to cover the ground , but the roads were left untouched for the most part . It was a nice Christmas with the family . December 24th , 2007 The commute in today was fantastic . I was able to fly in . It was to the point I could have gotten a speeding ticket . I made it to work in record time . We were told we could cut out two hour early today . But I planned on being there until after five because that is when the party at Jon 's started . When I left work I went to Safeway and got a HomeDepot card for Bill . I looked at the GPS units at Staple 's one more time . Then I went to fuel up the truck at Safeway . I hit the road and went to Jon 's . Dinner was served shortly after I arrived . It was Chinese food this year . I ate at the table with all the young kids . I had fun as there was a Husky fan with the rest of us Cougar fans . When it came time to open presents , Jon gave me my birthday presents . I got Windows Home Server and a WSU T - shirt . Jon was showing me Windows Home Server and how it works . I am excited to get it set up at my place . Now I just need another P - IV computer . December 23rd , 2007 I got an e - mail today from someone who was a professor of mine . I related a story about something that happened several year ago . However , he doesn 't remember it happening at all . So he got very upset about the comments that I made . I wasn 't trying to degrade him . During the course of our e - mail exchanges I pointed out that I never referred to him as being homosexual , one of the charges he leveled at me . After he re - read what I wrote he saw that was the case . Then I also tried to talk to him about the other incident . He swears that it didn 't happen about gay marriage . That event in question took place about gun rights . I asked him if he remembered the paper I wrote about gay marriage and the photos he found objectionable . He said he didn 't remember that . So not remember that , it is possible for him to not remember that we also had a discussion . I am not going to push the issue . He has threatened to sue me for slander . I have no idea what the level of his burden is to prove that it happened nor what my level of burden is to prove it didn 't happen . But I would think that it would be easier for him to prove that I harmed him . I don 't have a specific date that I can point to . No witnesses were present that I know of . So it is my word against his . The bottom line it is that it was not a big deal to me , but others are seeming to make it into a big deal . Due to that , I just want it to go away . I meant no harm in the comments that have come from them . So I sent him an apology . Maybe some time down the road when this is water under the bridge I can show him my paper and talk to him again . It may jog his memory . I just wish he would remember that event . In other news I did the last Christmas Cruise of the year . We went to Lake Union . One stop was Gasworks Park . One more was just out of the Mountlake Cut . That was so packed with boats and the wind was blowing enough that no one was able to sit still . Boats were constantly moving about . The second show at Gasworks was much better as far as elbow room went . We really didn 't do a while bunch other than help clear the way for the ship as it moved about . December 22nd , 2007 I went to see National Treasure down in Renton on the East Valley Highway . I have been going to that theatre since it opened . For a while I have had some really rude experiences at the hands of other customers . Many times I would hear people talking through out the movie . I would hear cell phones ring . On top of the ring , the person would answer the phone and talk on it . When did people become so self - centered that they could careless about anyone around them . Now movies have to play reminders on the screen to turn off the cell phones . The movie itself pretty much was the same as the first one . Using tricks and high - tech gadgets to get information to find the treasure . In this movie like the last one , the bad guy would get there at the end demanding to have the treasure , and then something would happen where he would not get the treasure . But it was still a fun journey to get the treasure . After the movie I went to the Silver Dollar casino . I didn 't do very well at all . I pretty much raked one pot , and it was only the blinds after everyone else folded . I tried some four card poker , Paigow , and Spanish Twenty - One . Nothing worked for me tonight . I couldn 't get a hand while playing Texas . I did get pocket Queens . I raised , and I kept betting . The big blind played along . He had four - five off suit . He called six bucks to see a flop and kept calling to get his straight . I lost a lot of money there on someone who was just calling and calling . That is how my night went . This same guy when I sat at the table really caused me to be confused about his background . He was a white guy around twenty - four years old . He had a well groomed beard . He wore a baseball hat with a very curved bill and it was on straight . He had well manicured fingernails . He had on a designer - looking denium coat . He voice sounded like he thought he was a G . Sort of like Eminem . But as the night wore on , I was starting to think it was more of a gay voice that gangsta . Soon that drifted into thinking he sounded southern . Maybe a gay southern . I was not sure . December 21st , 2007 Tonight was the first time in a very long time I got to do something with the marine patrol . With summer over there is not a lot of stuff going on out there . I got to work this morning after waking early . I knew I had the doctors appointment , plus marine patrol . With doing Shawn 's project I was going to have to get some stuff done while I was there incase I ran into some problems . When I was in talking to Barb I told her what I want for Christmas is for Shawn to show up . He had been unreachable for more than two weeks . I went to the doctor . I was cleared to do stuff . I was given a prescription for Physical Therapy should I need it . When I got back to work I saw Shawns rig there . I was so happy . The rest of the day was easy around the office . Did some meetings on some of the database stuff . Then it was off to Mercer Island . We took the boat to Kirkland to meet up with the cruise ships . We helped them cruise to Bellevue . There were a lot of yacht 's that were following along . They all had decorations . It was pretty neat . It took about three hours total . When we were done I went to Sharis in Fairwood to meet up with Dave . I haven 't seen him for quite some time . We talked about my job prospects . He talked about his work as well . It was great to see him . December 20th , 2007 After work I met up with Jon to play some poker at Mike 's . He is one of the guys who puts on the games at Newport Shores . We got there around nine o ' clock PM . There were six others already there . I was getting some good cards , but my community cards were really doing well . As time went on I just kept winning . While I was there I only went to the showdown once and lost . I had a couple split pots . I had one situation that really burned me up . I had a three - four offsuit . I was in an early position . I was only in due to being in the blind . A three - five - six rainbow came on the flop . So now I am one card from the straight and I have a pair . So I stick around for a little bit . A ten was on the turn . It was checked around . A three on the river . I had trips , but when the seven dollar bet was quickly raised to twenty - seven bucks . I felt that he had trips with a better kicker . So I threw it down . He let me know he had a ten . I told him that he made a good bed . We played until one in the morning . When the card game was done I was up three - hundred and thirty - five bucks . Jon found some dice . We played some four - five - six . We only rolled a couple times . The first round Jon won with boxcars ( trip sixes ) . Then I played again . He got a point of two . I rolled a four - five - six . I took bank . I got some bets and rolled a four - five - six again . I had sixty bucks now . Jon played sixty . I rolled trip - fives . I won again . I was on fire . Because of four - five - six , I ended up leaving with four hundred bucks . While at work today we had our company Christmas Party . We were told we were being bought by a Canadian company . It was sort of a shock . Our future is known . My future is unknown . They want to be closed by the end of the year . So that means that by the second of January I will have a new boss . I spoke with my CEO to find out some more . She said that I have a great skill set . I can do all parts of the new code set , plus I can work on all of the old code . I am a valuable person . Plus I proved to her that working from home is a viable thing . I proved to her that I do a good job without coming into the office . She said that our potential buyers has a president who works from home . So the new bosses are all for it . She pretty much told me I don 't have anything to worry about . I told Jon about that tonight while we were playing poker . He told me about a job opportunity at his company . I also told him I have yet to hear anything back from SEL . I don 't know how I am doing there . He told me that I could possibly get a job working for his company . I might look into that one way or another . December 19th , 2007 Today is Eddie 's birthday . For years I have always sent him an E - mail on his birthday . He was born one day after me . Him and I grew up together at times . It started with football . We both played Five - Star football . Then I moved on to the street where he lived . That is when I really got to know him and several other guys . I had known the Peery 's because they use to live in my old neighborhood . Now I had all these new friends and once again Eddie . Those times were while our younger brothers were playing basketball . We would go on the playground . We were around fifteen at the time . Eddie would sometimes dip . I didn 't dip at the time , but I would have some Skittles and get them chewy , then pack it in like I was dipping . During these times we would talk about everything under the sun . We always talked about what we were going to be like at parents . How we were going to have kids . How we were going to raise them . We talked about many other things as well . I sometimes wonder if Eddie remembers any of those conversations . It is funny calling him Eddie , because I am the only one who does that . That is the only way I knew him , but now I guess everyone else calls him Ed . But I am stuck on the old ways . I have seen Eddie once in the last couple years . He was living in the highlands with his kids and wife . I believe now he lives in Redmond . He has been working for the same company for years . I can 't wait to hear back from him . I was thinking recently that he and I have never had a drink together … legally . I am not sure if he is a golfer either , but I would love to see him again . Dax Berven wroteHappy early Birthday old man When I got to work today there was a $ 10 . 00 gift certificate for me from NetUpdate . They also made cookies and put them in the break room . I actually got a couple things productive done today and checked in . Then the rest of the day it was spending time in meetings and having lunch . We went to Crossroads mall . Ricky , Noah , and I met up with Chris a former employee . While there I got a couple different styles of die for my board game . I got several styles so I can play with them and see what I like the best . The traffic home was worse than normal , but probably normal for the time of day . It just seemed like everything was backed up . I don 't like to spend time in traffic on my birthday . I was thinking that they should just open up the roads and step aside for the birthday boy . When I got home my special dinner was being cooked . It was fatback and potatoes . Following dinner I got a universal power supply for my computer from my mom for my birthday . She made a cake with pudding topping . It was very good . Compared to last year it was a pretty tame birthday . That is okay though . Actually , this is the first birthday I have been here for a while . My last few birthdays have been spent with just a couple friends . I am thinking if there is anything ground breaking to say right now . It is the one time a year I can reflect on the past year of my life and think about it . But I have not done that . Maybe I can do that tomorrow . Make a decision what letter grades I earned this year in many categories . I am not sure it was one I can look at as one of the best . That is a shame . Every year should be better than the one before it . That would be a sign of a good life . Maybe that means it is time for me to uproot my life as it currently sits . Maybe it is time for me to move to some new random place and get a new job . Get new friends . Get new activities . Just do something different . But then again , when I think about the car fire recently and how it was still a new experience to me , that leads me to believe I still have things I can do here . I think if there is one thing I work on this year it is to be more active in my down time . I have worked hard this year to keep on top of things . Like washing my clothes and new truck , not when I am out of clothes or I can 't see the paint on the truck , but on a regular schedule . I do things and put things away rather than leaving things out when I am done . It is the new more orderly self . But what is a problem is that when my work is done , and there is nothing more to do , I need to get to the rec center . Go for a walk . Go for a bike ride . Do something that will keep me from sitting around the house watching TV . I really want to get into the swimming pool and get some swim time in . That is the goal . I hope in one year from now I can read this and say that I did a good job keep up with that change I would like to make . One thing that I have noticed about myself is that it seems more people know about my homosexuality than don 't know in terms of my daily interactions with people . I thought I had done a good job keeping it quiet at the jail . But that is not the case . Everyone seems to know and those who don 't are told by those who do . I don 't like it when people tell others . That is not their business to do that . So really the people who don 't know are those over in Seattle . All my friends who I went to high school with other than Matt . He found out when I admitted it to him on the Rose Bowl trip . December 17th , 2007 I got a phone call from Jake . I told him that I was thinking about him today . I was thinking about the messages I would send to various people for Christmas . Jake said that he is with Kelly . They are talking about a tournament team . Kelly wanted me to send him a face shot because he is working on getting corporate sponsorship . They are talking about only playing on a tournament team . I am thinking about seeing if they are interested in playing on the My Office team . If so I will let Mitz know they are available . They would both be a good addition to the team . December 16th , 2007 Got up this morning pretty late . I watched some TV before heading downstairs . My plan is to take the Quad into the Honda dealership to get it worked on . I also thought about looking at campers , but I don 't think that is in the long term plans . Bill came out and I was ready to disconnect the batter charger and push it into the truck . However , he said to try it once more . It started just fine . I let it warm up for a short period of time before getting it into the truck . I was down to the crunch time before they closed . I hit the road , and by some miracle I got every green light along the way . I hit one red light to get on to I - Four - Oh - Five and one when I got off of SR - One - Sixty - Seven . I was able to make it there in thirteen minutes total ! That is one fast trip . I got together with Jon and Jim around nine o ' clock PM . We ended up going to the Silver Dollar Casino on the West Valley Highway . It turned out to be a good move . We started playing at a poker table with two others . I started out winning the first two hands . After that I did okay . I never really was down all night . Jon and Jim were also doing really well . Between the three of us we ended up almost a grand . I was only around one - hundred and fifty of that . Jon had the most . We were just winning a lot of hands . I really couldn 't lose . December 14th , 2007 After work today I met up with Peter at his place . We were going to watch Blade of Glory . It was a good movie . I have some good laughs . After that was over Peter and I watched a couple episodes of House . Peter and I messed around like we use to where we could try to battle each other over silly stuff . He was trying to leave the room to go to the bathroom . But I wouldn 't let him . We battled until I won . It was weird . I have been wanting to ask him about the thing that happened a long time ago , but I have yet to do it . But it was weird . I just didn 't feel like I wanted to be around him tonight . This was the first time I can think of that I had those feelings . I am sort of thinking I am going to not contact him again , and if he wants to get with me he will call . December 13th , 2007 After having spent the last couple days doing some recovery from surgery I was on my way back to work . I haven 't slept very well lately so I was very tired at work today . I went to my truck and tried to nap for about ten minutes because I could not keep my eyes open . December 12th , 2007 This is the second and final day of receovery with my leg in the air . I pretty much did the same stuff as yesterday . I got up every couple hours and went down stairs to eat and check my e - mail . Other than that I was in my room taking pain pills , trying to stay awake , and watching some TV . December 11th , 2007 I wasn 't sure what as in store for me today . I had my surgery yesterday . Today was going to be spent just laying around the house . I watched TV in my room . I would go down stairs every few hours to get something to eat or to check my e - mail . But for the most part I just keep my ankle elevated . I kept ice on it . I kept taking my pain pills . December 10th , 2007 I went in for the first ankle operation in February of ought - four . The operation was more involved . The ligament was repaired and the bone chip was removed . From the time of that surgery I was on crutches for four weeks and a walking boot for an additional two weeks . The long term outcome of the surgery was that my ankle pain was not as bad when it came to recovery time . I went from a recovery of weeks down to a day or two . But would still have major problems when it was hurting . It was even at the point that I would sometimes crawl just so I didn 't have to deal with the pain . I knew I had to get something else done . I went to a doctor in Seattle because I wanted to get a different opinion on everything and a different set of eyes looking at it . Over the next several months in the middle to late ought - seven , when I would visit Seattle I was seeing the doctor . I got X - rays , MRI , and an injection . The injection made the ankle pain go away . Finally it was time to have another operation . Today was the big day for that . Jon picked me up from the house . I went to work for a couple hours before going to Overlake Hospital . I got to the doctors surgical area . I went back and had them start to ask questions , and fit my with a surgical gown , slippers , and IV . Soon it was my turn to go for surgery . I walked into a room with a table for me to lay on . I got up there and the anaesthesiologist started to prepare me to go under . Before I knew it I was asleep . Later I woke up not feeling well . I was being wheeled out to the recovery room . I heard one of the nurses talking to someone else , saying " you 'll have to break it to him . " I still don 't know what they meant by that . I sat in recovery for a while . I felt sick and tired . Jon showed up and talked to me a little bit . I was not in the mood to speak at all . I ate some apple sauce and a Popsicle . I took some pain meds . I was there for a while longer before Jon got his rig ready to take me home . On the way home I felt horrible . He stopped to get my prescription filled , but they said it would be an hour . So we left it there and continued home . Jon swerved from something . I looked at him with the evil eye and asked if he was trying to make me puke . He laughed and said he wasn 't . That he was just swerving to miss something . When I got home I made a straight line for my bedroom . I just wanted to lay down and relax my stomach . I thought I was going to puke for sure . After laying in my room for about two hours I started to feel better . I made my way downstairs at one point to check my e - mail . The pain was never very bad . The worst part to me was the nauseous feeling . December 9th , 2007 I just couldn 't get out of town today . It started in Pullman . I was up and getting cleaned up . I was thinking about the things I needed to pack to take with me . While doing that a call came in for someone who had fallen at Kamiak Park . I had never been there before so I was actually looking forward to heading there . I got a call from Dearth who also wanted to go , with some of the same feelings that I had about going to the park . While en route it sounded like they didn 't know exactly where we needed to go . The call was a relay from Latah County Sheriff . We were one of the last units to get on scene . We helped to get the equipment loaded onto a John Deere Gator that was being taken up a trail . The first units on scene split up on the trail where it forked . One crew found the person and we were sending the Gator in . We were told to get the ambulance ready by turning it around and heating up the back . We went into the hospital with the person and then Dearth and I went back to the station . I had said that I am not responding on any additional calls . It was around noon when that one came in . It was nearly a two hour call . So I was getting behind the eight - ball in terms of getting home during the daylight hours . I started to pack my stuff . I got everything prepared for me to be gone for almost three weeks . I loaded my truck . Dearth had asked me if I had chains for my truck . I am glad he said something . That helped me remember there were not in the truck . I put them in the truck and took out my Coroner 's stuff . I hit the road . There was a bit of snow on the roadway and it was snowing . It was slow going to Colfax . One truck decided to take his sweet time driving down there . But like I say , there is a reason for everything . I drove past Island street and looked down the road to the fire station . I thought that a call would have to pretty much come out right now for me to be able to go . Colfax had actually been out on a couple car accidents already . Just as I was going to turn into the Rosauers parking lot we got dispatched to a roll - over car accident on Airport Road . The car was fully engulfed in flames . I went through the parking lot and got to the station . I put on my turn outs and hopped on Engine One . We went to the scene . As we were getting to Airport road I didn 't see a column of smoke . I said that outloud to Carl and Jenny . Shortly thereafter Carl said " Hey Scotty , there is your column . " I could see a big column of brown - black smoke . We got on scene . I was packed up and ready to go . I grabbed a blitz line and went into the field where the car was burning . It was about one hundred feet into the field . I called for water . Approached the car from a corner and started to spray the water . I got the fire on the ground put out . Then worked my way up . One thing I had to be aware of was that we had no hydrant . Only tank water , so I couldn 't be wasteful . I got the passenger compartment of the car put out . Carl opened the hood of the car so I could put all that fire out as well . I was able to get the whole thing extinguished on tank water . That was a good thing . Really this was my first real car fire that I started , attacked , and put out without anyone else doing anything . After we got back to the station I helped to clean up everything . I went to Rosauers . I got some stuff for dinner . I hit the road . The Cougs were playing basketball . I was able to listen to the game on the way back . The roads had snow on them causing some slow going at times . Actually the pass and into Issaquah were the best parts of the drive . I was able to cruise along at a good clip most of the way anyhow . The Cougs won and I got home safely . December 8th , 2007 This was put on for year by Chris and Nancy . But recently Dan and Denise have taken it over . The plan was to get to their place around six - thirty . But with the time I had during the day I worked on finding some stuff for my project at home . I am working on a photoboard for the Deuce . It will be better than the one at station one for a couple reasons . One will be that it is easier to maintain . The one at station one is a pain in the rear to maintain . I started to get things layed out for it on the poster board . Got it lettered . Worked on resizing the photos and adding the person 's name and rank . I also printed them all out and cut them out . The only problem was the missing plastic sleeves to put them in . I found some online , after my search around town turned up nothing . I went to several stores in both Pullman and Moscow . It was just after six - thirty . I went to the Keeton 's . I was the second one there . I grabbed my camera and spent much of the night taking photos of everyone . This years ' party had a lot of people drinking and having a good time , but we didn 't have the token drunk that provided hours of entertainment like in years past . Really I was thinking that it is clear everyone is getting older here because the amount and length of drinking that was going on was greatly reduced . It was a good time . Chuck had come to the party . It was Blanks ' last night out on the town with a couple of the B - shift guys . They also stopped by . I was disappointed no other reserves showed up except for Parrish . When it was done I went to my house and got the photos downloaded and posted on facebook . December 7th , 2007 I was responding on some daytime calls with Dearth . I also had to run over to Moscow to try to find some items for my photoboard project . I needed posterboard , plastic sleeves to store the photos , letters , and a glue stick . I went to Crimson and Grey . I found some of what I was looking for , but not everything . I was thinking Michael 's in Moscow would be my best bet . I went to Moscow to go to Michael 's . I found a couple of the things I needed , but not the plastic sleeves . I was also going to try to find some dice for my boardgame . I went to the mall to go to the hobby store . But that was no longer there . I was on my way to downtown Moscow when I heard the tones . They were looking for a reserve to do a transfer to Lewiston . I called in and said I could do it , but I had to be on duty at six . Heston said that would be fine . But as it turned out the timing was not working out perfectly . I did the transfer with Pritchett . The length of time it was taking to drive to Lewiston , plus the in hospital time was throwing off my time getting back to Pullman . I ended up getting back after seven . I wanted to be back by six . When that training was done I went home and worked on the board game . I was getting all the board pieces cut out and glued together . Then I put it on to a larger piece of poster board and glued it down . It is starting to take shape . I still need to the dice and the rest of the rules written up . I also need to get it mounted on a harder piece of board , like my poster board . We did get a call for a fire alarm , but that was about it for the night for those of us on the engine . Then I got to the station to meet up with Bien for day two of the first aid class at Pullman Heating and Electric . They invited us in for dinner . Last night was Pizza Hut , today it was Subway . We chowed down and then started in with the class . During the class one guy asked me about protecting the scene with the vehicles . I told him that we would park in such a way to use the vehicle to keep other cars from hitting us . We would rather fix a damaged engine that get someone hurt or killed . I said it easy to pull out dents or replace a door that got tore off … then I looked at Bien and smiled . He gave me a look back . And I continued to talk . It was a little inside joke with Bien . December 5th , 2007 I talked to Bien about last night . Sounds like him and Megan were up dealing with his aftermath . He was pretty sick through out the night and all day today . We were teaching a first aid class together . He was sick going to the class . It was up at Pullman Heating . They had pizza and invited us to have some with them . We went through a bunch of the stuff covering a lot of topics . Tomorrow we will be going back to cover the other topics . I was also on duty tonight . I wanted to get to bed early because I was pretty tired . I went to bed around midnight , only to get woken up around two - thirty for a call . I stayed up until four in the morning . December 4th , 2007 I got up late this morning , allowing myself to sleep in . I got on the computer and worked on a couple bugs for work before I went to Colfax . I was there for only about four hours . But I got three bookings and releases done . It was the guys who were busted for the frat fight last month . I went to Colfax for training . We were doing cardiac emergencies . Before the training started we went on a ambulance call for a cardiac emergency . The class went from seven until almost nine - thirty . I was put in charge a group doing CPR . Following training it was back to Pullman . I was going to meet up with some of the guys from the FD at Pete 's for Wiley night . I got down there and it was packed . The line to get anything was long and thick . It took about forty minutes to get to the front of the line . Dearth and Wilcox were in front of me . Anton , Bien 's friend , was also with them . We spent the time talking about various things . I finally got my pitcher of beer and went to the table . I saw Grim and Andy from poker playing fame . A . Wilcox was there so was Pritchett . Blake was on his way out the door . A . Wilcox came up to hang out with us . I finished off the beer and we headed up to the Zuu . I was in the very back of Dearth 's blazer . I left my truck at Pete 's . On the way I farted . I didn 't think it was bad , it people started to make a huge deal about the smell . Bien was pretty drunk , so I was able to get everyone to blame him . When we were going in the Zuu Bien 's girlfriend , Megan was texting him . I took over his phone and started to respond to her . She wanted to pick him up . We were able to keep him until midnight . At the Zuu I saw Peter as well as Loren . Doug , Denise , and Neils were there as well . I had another pitcher of beer as we sang a couple songs on karaoke . We closed out the bar . Dearth was really drunk and left . Wilcox also left because he was drunk . So it was just Anton , Bien , and I left . I got a ride home , and I was feeling the alcohol . December 3rd , 2007 Today was my last show of the semester . I had Tom on the show , as a follow up to his appearance last week . We talked about the Republican debate . He had to leave at one . I had Forbes on the phone as well . We talked for nearly an hour about local politics . I finished off my pop . I made a big noise crushing it and I was going to throw it in a garbage can that I saw just inside the door of a gym across from hall from the KZUU studio . But as I made all the noise and stepped inside the door , I had about twenty women looking at me . I was sort of self - conscious when I threw away the pop can and went down the stairs quickly . I was going to have to walk a way to my truck parked out by Beasley . As I was heading out the door . There was a young lady standing there looking out the window at the snow and ice on the ground . I figured she was waiting for a ride . I thought I would be outgoing and I said " horrible time of year to be on crutches . " She then said , into the cell phone that I didn 't see that she had " I couldn 't hear what you just said , can you repeat it . " I just went out the door and chuckled to myself about those two events that took me by surprise . Following the show I got home to get some of my work done before making my way to the station . We had the fire critiques from the night of the arson 's . It was a pretty tame night as far as critiques have gone in the past . December 2nd , 2007 After only about two hours of sleep I was woken up by a phone call from Pete . There was a call waiting in the wing . I had guessed it had to do with the call we had this morning . Later on in the morning I called Pete and it turned out to be what I was thinking it was . As it turned out I had transported the same person to Spokane about ten days prior . So I was familiar with him . In the rest of the day Wilcox , Dearth , and I responded on EMS and fire calls . The first one was a pretty bad looking accident . Turned out it wasn 't much of anything when it was done . A lot of people stopped to help . I was talking to one person who was there . I got the vibes and the gaydar was going off . I found him on Facebook and sure enough he is family . I was running really late for poker . Sign ups were at five - thirty , and it was almost that time when we got back to the station after our fourth call of the afternoon . With the heavy snow covering the road we had a long day . But now it is raining and the roads are getting all slushy . I got to Zeppoz in time to get a seat at the table . Due to the weather , I believe , there was a limited number of players . We ended up having three full tables , but it took almost until six o ' clock to get there . Towards the end of the night I was knocked out in seventh place again . The ten - six - seven was in the final four . All of a sudden there was a small uproar at the table . I was playing a table game right next to the poker table . I turned around and saw the ten - six - seven with tears in his eyes . Someone said he would chop the pot with him . I didn 't know what had happened . December 1st , 2007 Spent most of the day responding on fire and EMS calls during the daytime hours . We also took engine thirty - one to the High Street Mall to bring Santa to the Christmas tree lighting . I brought a camera to take some photos . We were there for about an hour before heading out . It was covering for Chapman tonight . It was great . At first the night started out slow . I bought a couple movies including Death Wish and Transformers . I went to the station where we watched Death Wish . Then Irving and I started to play Ghost Recon . But soon we started to get some calls . Before long we were running from call to call without making it back to the station . We were slammed for a while . I got Rescue first on scene on two different calls . That was pretty cool . I ended up taking one patient . It turned out to be a refusal , so I spent time doing the necessary paperwork . I had said before the end of the night we would get a five - forty - five in the morning call . I was close . It was five - forty in the morning . While at the hospital I knew things were going to go bad .

I 'm trying to figure out when my two year old son became a football fan , because I don 't know if I 'm ready for this . It 's Sunday , so I was trying to watch a little TV , but every 30 minutes , D asked if he could watch football . Because I 'm kind of sneaky , I would turn the channel to football and when he started playing with some of his toys , I would change the channel . Of course he would notice that the game was not on and he would ask to see it again . After about 6 times , I got sick of it and went into my office to catch up on some blog reading and do some research for my Social Media Addiction - Solution essay for English class . Now I enjoy using sites like Facebook , Twitter , even YouTube ; but I 'm always conscious of the amount of time that I spend online . I am a true believer in the adage , " Time flies when you 're having fun . " This means that I know I could easily spend 4 to 6 hours playing games , tweeting , and watching silly videos . Last week I turned in an essay about the of Social Media Addiction - Causes , which in my opinion is 50 % boredom , 25 % loneliness and 25 % avoidance . BoredomWe all get bored sometimes but there are a lot more things to do besides sitting in front of a computer all day , especially if you are not doing anything constructive . First of all , you could read a book . Maybe you could watch something on TV . Get out and go for drinks with friends . You could even learn to crochet a sweater for your dog . But spending 4 or 5 hours sending notes and posting comments on MySpace gets old after a couple of days . Yes , the games on Facebook are very appealing but you should try to win ( or lose ) some real coins by taking a trip to the casino . LonelinessA lot of people that are addicted to social media are online to make friends because they don 't have any friends in real life . These internet fanatics feel comforted by the fact that they have an endless number of people that listen to their rants and raves . They feel that no one ever listens to them but their Facebook friends by commenting on aPosted by I got up at 8 : 00 am to work on my novel . The first 1 , 651 , that I wrote while D was still asleep , was pretty good . It answered a lot of questions that I should have answered from the beginning . Now the last 10 , 226 was partly backstory but mostly gibberish that I 'll end up taking out during the editing stage . I must admit that part of my dad and my weekly conversation found its way into the story . My dad is a funny guy . He is usually the prototype for most of the older male roles in each of my stories . He doesn 't mind because he knows that I 'll share the wealth with him . ExcerptI was still staying at my aunt 's house on Christmas Eve . Aunt Essie and I sat side by side on the couch in front of the fireplace . We had a pitcher of Crown Royal laced eggnog on the coffee table , for easy access . " Professor , do you ever get lonely . I mean I don 't ever remember you having a steady boyfriend . What do you do when you 're feeling … antsy ? " My auntie threw her head back in laughter . " Well , darling , I haven 't been antsy in quite a while . But when the desire comes , I have a friend that I like to visit . " " You 've never told me about a friend , " I said before a hiccup escaped my lips . " Who is this dude ? I need to check him out , make sure he 's not a killer or rapist . " " I 've already checked him out , about 20 years ago . And darling , when I 'm done with him he doesn 't have the strength to put his pants back on let alone to go out and killing and raping . " " Ohhh , my auntie is freaky deeky . What 's his name ? How come you 've never married him ? " " His name is Bobby Harris . He 's great in bed but he 's not marriage material . I don 't think Bobby has worked at the same place for more than two years since I 've known him . " " Damn … sorry dog , auntie you got a freaky scrub . Haven 't you met any other guys you wanted to be with ? " " Yes , a few professors and a judge but they weren 't ready when I wanted a commitment , but when I had accepted the fact that they didn 't want to in a relationsPosted by My sitter came to get D at 7 : 40 this morning , so I took that as my cue to get busy writing . To avoid the urge to return to bed I got dressed , packed up my laptop and notes and headed to Starbucks . It was 9 : 15 by the time I reached 636 words . I wanted to add a little more but it was time to head to work . The cafeteria at my job wasn 't serving food today , so I had the entire space to myself . Armed with my notes , IPod , snacks , and a great writing utensil , I set out on my word count mission . I was able to add another 152 to my word count before my break was over . D was gone someplace with my sitter when I got off so I was able to work on my writing uninterrupted for a couple of hours . I wrote my little heart out , trying not to think about D . It 's something how when your kid is around , you wish he would go to sleep and stop asking so many questions but when you are away from him , you feel like something is missing . I wrote 659 words while I waited for my little man . I ran to the door as soon as I heard Mrs . B pull into the driveway . When I opened the door D was walking up the steps . As soon as he got in he grabbed my soda drank half of it before belching like a grown man . D made me bounce a balloon off his head a couple times while I keyed in 192 words . My total word count for today was 2190 . The creativity was waning as I became more and more sleepy . Three more days and 10 , 836 words to go , I hope to get them all in this weekend so I can relax on Monday . Excerpt " Shannon , I 'm sorry . I had to get the laptop and I had to see if Joshua had hidden anything in the car . I didn 't want you to be implicated when all of the mess came to a head , " Mallory said headbutting Shannon and then kneeing her in the groin . I jumped out of the car just as Shannon hit the ground . The men had stop loading the trailer to watch the cat fight . " You , " Mallory said turning to me . " Why did you have to stick your big nose in our business ? I was going to leave the car someplace so the police could find it once we had searched it . " " Posted by This morning , I wrote a little over 1 , 000 words of gibberish before heading to my sister 's house for Thanksgiving dinner ( lunch rather ) . I know my inner critic was supposed to be turned off this month but I had to correct some of the stuff that I wrote , when I got back home . By the time I reached another 299 , I was starting to get sleepy . My greedy - itis was catching up with me . Apparently the food had affected D as well because he climbed into my lap and fell asleep . I forced myself to stay awake until I had gotten to 2 , 693 . I have 13 , 026 left to go which is about 3 , 258 a day over the next four days . It 's going to be tough but I 've got to make it . ExcerptI did not sleep well that first night out of jail . Maybe it was because my mind had gotten used to my surroundings , which was definitely not a good thing . But they say humans can adapt to anything and that is what I had done subconsciously . My already fitful sleep was interrupted by Michael Jackson singing " Never can say goodbye , no no no no I … " That was one of Jerry 's favorite songs and it was very fitting since I missed him so much . The crooning stopped and started several times before I realized that it was my cell phone singing . I forgot that I had changed my ring tone the day before . By the time I got to the phone it had stopped ringing . Shannon number showed up at the top of my missed calls list , so I called her right back . " What 's going on Shannon ? Your boy doesn 't have you occupied at 3 in the morning ? " " Pearce isn 't here , that 's why I 'm calling you . I 'm so scared . " " What happened ? " " I looked out the window to check on my car , like I always do , to make sure it was still there or to see if all of my wheels are still on . There 's been a lot of car theft in my neighborhood lately . Plus , I was making sure there were no more dead bodies in front of my house . " " Okay , so was the car still there ? " " No , it 's gone . I saw someone in a black SUV pulling my car down the street on a trailer . " " You 've been off work foPosted by I guess you could say I was writing my book in my sleep , because I woke up this morning with a ton of ideas that I had to hurry up and write down . Why I don 't just record them in my recorder , I don 't know . I just feel that since my laptop is right there on the table , awaiting my arrival , why would I not take advantage of that . God knows how bad I want to finish this book and I think he 's helping me out . " Thanks , God , I promise not to put too many curse words in the story . " My daily word count was at 685 , before I put on the rest of my clothes so I could go to work . While I was at work I did get a chance to write a few paragraphs . I could have done so much more if I had not been socializing with co - workers and sending text messages . Once I got home I had to take an algebra quiz that was due today . And thank God I scored a hundred . I hadn 't done that in a while . After getting D settle down , I finally got a chance to add to my word count . I tapped out a 1 , 145 , which means I am 15 , 719 words away from my goal . I have got to pick up the pace if I want to get to 50 , 000 by Monday night . It can be done ; I just have to focus a little more . It would be great if I could take my laptop into the closet and write in there but D would think we were playing hide and go seek . ExcerptA week after Jerry 's funeral , the police got an anonymous tip that Hinniyah 's body was in the dumpster behind my office building . It wasn 't surprising that I was fingered for the murder . The arresting officer worked closely with Marcus , so he knew my story . Mrs . Alma was super pissed but I told her that everything would be alright and that I was leaving her in charge . " You have to keep Cole Slaw in line for me . " " Okay , but she 's even more stubborn than you . " I smiled as the officers lead me out of the building . I agreed to leave quietly so the officer that was holding my arm waited until we had gotten out of my building before cuffing me . He told me that I had the right to remain silent which was a wasted statement because I waPosted by I took most of the ideas that I had written down over the last two days and tried to come up with a few scenes that would push my storyline along . Even though I 'm moving at a snail 's pace when it comes to getting to the 50 , 000 word goal , I 'm happy to still be in the race . Today 's word count was only 919 but I have added yet another turn to my plot which is a very good thing . If I can push out a few words on my lunch break tomorrow , maybe I 'll be halfway caught up . Thanksgiving will definitely not be a free day , I 've had too many of those as it is . Got to keep going . Excerpt " Hinniyah , what 's going on in there ? " She didn 't answer . " Hey boyfriend , if you hurt my little sister I 'm going to skin your girlfriend alive right in front of you . Then I 'm going to cut your balls out of the sac and hang them around your neck on a string . " Kadijah had really gotten violent over the last few weeks . I guess jail did that to you . Of course since she killed her own husband , it may have been there all along . Kadijah made me get up from where I sat on the floor . I led her down the hall to the bedroom her gun was in the middle of my back . When we walked into the room , Hinniyah was lying on the floor at the foot of bed , with her face in the carpet . When I saw Jerry lying across the bed with a knife in his chest up near his shoulder , I ran to him , not caring if Kadijah shot me . " Are you okay , sweetie ? " " Sure , just a little uncomfortable . " I looked around to see where Kadijah was ; she had put the gun down and was leaning beside Hinniyah . She picked up her sister and hugged her . Jerry had shot Hinniyah with her own gun ; it was on the bed beside him . I grabbed it and got up slowly . Kadijah held Hinniyah in her arms as she rocked . She was humming and crying . " Kadijah , we 've got to get them to the hospital . " She ignored me and continued to rock and hum . I grabbed the phone from the nightstand and dialed 911 , I said that we needed the police and an ambulance and hung up . The operator had a bunch of quesPosted by I had to force myself out of bed this morning , so I didn 't get a chance to work on my novel before going to work . When I got home from work I was able to write about 6 sentences ( 79 words ) before I remembered that I had to design a birthday card for one of my co - worker 's husband . The dreaded algebra homework was due by 11 : 59 pm so I had to tackle that so I wouldn 't miss the deadline ( although I got frustrated and quit in the middle of it ) . My essay on Social Media Addiction is due in the morning so I had to add a few more words to it ( that word count is short too ) . I hate to admit it but I 'm really starting to believe that I should not have started this challenge . Although I love the story that I 'm working on , it 's just that when my ideas are flowing I don 't have time to write them down . When I have unlimited time , I can barely think of anything to write . Next NaNoWriMo is going to be so much better because I will know what to do ( and what not to do ) to be more prepared . Do not think that this is my " I 'm giving up " speech cause it ain 't . And it won 't be over until the clock strikes 12 on December 1 . I am a survivor ! Word Count32 , 217 / 50 , 000 D woke me up at around 9 : 30 this morning . He said he wanted to watch TV but since he played over his dinner last night , I 'm sure he was hungry as well but didn 't want to admit it . After eating breakfast and putting a load of clothes in the washer and dryer , I sat down to attempt to get some writing done . To keep D occupied , I let him listen to my IPod but you better believe I watched him closely to make sure he didn 't figure out how to hide all of my applications or delete my music . He soon got tired of messing around with it , so to amuse himself he decided to destroy the living room . Clothes , shoes , toys , and newspaper pages are everywhere , but I tried to ignore it for the sake of my writing . After I had finished crying along with my characters at word number 1 , 864 , my son began picking up all of his toys and putting them in the toy box . I guess in his two year old mind I was upset because he had made a mess . I thought that was so sweet that we went to get barbeque , something he had been wanting for a week . Not surprisingly , D only ate two and a half French fries before he decided that he had had enough . This kid is hilarious . He made me help him take his shirt off then he crawled under my chair and fell soundly asleep under my chair . I put him in the bed and he slept about an hour . When D woke up again he wanted to play with my IPod again . I should have never showed him the SpongeBob Squarepants game . By 6 : 46 pm I was fresh out of ideas , but I had gotten to 2 , 667 so I felt pretty good about that . One more week and NaNoWriMo will be over ( sniff ) . So I still have time to get back on track . I 'm going to have to push out 2 , 233 words a day to make it . Wish me luck everyone . Word Count32 , 138 / 50 , 000 I spent most of today at my dad 's house . He was yelling at my baby sister and my niece and I was yelling at my son . It was just a normal Saturday with the family . Before D and I went to Dad 's house I got a chance to write some notes to get me started on today 's writing . After eating lunch , I got in about 1 , 256 words . Algebra homework is due tonight so once I tackle it I will add a few more digits to the count . Excerpt " We 've got some things we need to clean up and we thought that we 'd start with you . " Jerry was in the bedroom . He was a light sleeper and I wondered if he heard what was going on . Please get your gun ; I tried to tell him telepathically . " It 's so nice of you girls to stop by to help me clean my apartment but my boyfriend … " " You have a boyfriend ? I thought a tough girl like you didn 't need a man . Where is he ? " " He 's … " I hoped he had awakened . " Hinniyah , go check out the bedroom . " My heart nearly jumped out of my DDDs while we waited . Five minutes later , someone cried out and then there was a big thud as someone hit the floor . " Hinniyah , what 's going on in there ? " She didn 't answer . " Hey boyfriend , if you hurt my little sister I 'm going to skin your girlfriend alive right in front of you . Then I 'm going to cut your balls out of the sac and hang them around your neck on a string . " Kadijah had really gotten violent over the last few weeks . I guess jail did that to you . Of course since she killed her own husband , it may have been there all along . Kadijah made me get up from where I sat on the floor . I led her down the hall to the bedroom her gun was in the middle of my back . When we walked into the room , Hinniyah was lying on the floor at the foot of bed , with her face in the carpet . When I saw Jerry lying across the bed with a knife in his chest up near his shoulder , I ran to him , not caring if Kadijah shot me . " Are you okay , sweetie ? " " Sure , just a little uncomfortable . " I looked around to see where Kadijah was ; she had put the gun down and was Posted by When I was growing up , the neighborhood we lived in was full of gossiping , backbiting , backstabbing women . Mama and grandmama told me that ignorant folks always kept up mess . They also said when a bunch of women got together there was bound to be a catfight . The first few jobs that I had were in restaurants and warehouses , I was even a security guard for almost a year . In those jobs , the number of men and women was nearly 50 / 50 . Once I began working at my current job , whose staff is probably 90 % female , I hoped that I wouldn 't have any problems with any of the " educated " women . Humph , have you heard the saying , " Mama said there 'd be days like this . " That statement has become the mantra of my life . I 've said all of that to say this , I wish there was more trust between the employees and managers . Managers not trusting the judgment of their employees , employees having to go behind management 's back to get things done ; it 's all so chaotic . I know that there are a lot of people out there that wish they had a job , drama or not , but it 's wearing on me , has been for a long time . The day that I start making a living from my writing will be a weight off my shoulders . In order to get the wheels rolling , of course , I need to at least finish this novel . I began on today 's word count after 8 : 30 pm . By 9 : 25 , I had only written 70 words . I couldn 't concentrate because my son wanted to play . It didn 't look like he was going to go to sleep anytime soon . The morning is a much better time for me to write but I 'm going to have to stop being so lazy and get up instead of pushing snooze over and over again . At 10 : 14 I was at 245 , the writing was not going as well as it should have been . I decided to go to bed and try again in the morning . Word Count28 , 215 / 50 , 000 Today was a pretty good day at work . In between responding to emails and updating reports , I was able to do some research and write some notes for my novel . The ideas that I 've been coming up with lately are getting better . It looks like all of the mystery books I 've read over the years are starting to paying off . For the last couple of years I 've also read electronic books downloaded to my computer and Ipod . Audio books also come in handy while I 'm driving around town . I racked up 1 , 016 before my bedtime . I haven 't gotten back on track yet but I 'm getting there . Since I solved my crime too soon , I had to come up with some material that can be added to the middle of the book . Excerpt " Well , I travel a lot and I noticed that my wallet was missing when I reached for it to tip the driver who had taken me from the airport to the hotel . I couldn 't have left it at home because I had to have my driver 's license when I picked up my airplane tickets from the desk . After that I put my wallet in my carry - on bag and put the boarding passes and my passport in my jacket pocket . I hate using the bathroom on the airplane so I left my bag near my seat and went to the men 's room . When I came back , my bag was still where I left it but one of the zippered compartments was open . " " You 've never noticed those signs all over the airport warning people not to leave their bags unattended ? " " Of course I 've seen them but I had never had a problem before . I usually tell someone sitting near me to watch my bag but this time when I came back , no one was around and my bag was open . " " Did you get a good look at the person that you asked to watch your bag ? " " Yes , but … s he umm … " " What 's was wrong with her ? " I observed Mr . Phillips ' uneasiness and guessed why the cat had his tongue . " She was black right ? " " Well , actually she was African . She looked like a really nice lady , it couldn 't have been her . " I don 't even think he believed that himself , " What was so nice about her ? Was she pretPosted by After work , I spent my writing time working on an essay about the causes of social media addiction . My word count needs to be 750 but I 've only made it to 501 . I worked on my novel a little last night before going to bed and ended with 1069 words . Even though I have fallen behind I 'm glad that I have not just completely stopped writing . All it takes is a couple of days where I get up to 2 , 000 or 3 , 000 words and I 'll be good . Maybe I 'll be able to get in a little writing while I 'm on break at work tomorrow . There are a few ideas in my notebook that I 'm thinking about expanding on I just have to determine what direction to go in . ExcerptI called Cole Slaw and asked her if she and Marcus wanted to go out to dinner with me and Jerry . We figured that it would be better to pose our wedding suggestion face to face . " That sounds like a good idea , we haven 't done the double dating thing in a while , " Cole Slaw said . " Yeah , I know , but now we can call it double engagement . " " What ? You 're shitting me ! " " Nope , not at all . " " I 'm so glad . We 're both engaged , this is so cool . " " I know right . We 'll see you later , hun . " The parking lot outside of the Olive Garden was pretty crowded so Jerry dropped me off at the door while he parked the car . We had just ordered our drinks when Cole Slaw and Marcus walked in . Our conversation about law enforcement and criminals along with the good food was excellent . I elbowed Jerry because he was the designated spokesperson . " Say , uh , Sassy and I had an idea that we wanted to run by the two of you . " " Okay , what 's up ? You need help planning your wedding , right ? I have all kinds of magazines we can look through , " Cole Slaw said . " Well , yeah we need some help . We were wondering if maybe we the four of us could get married together . With the economy like it is we could save a lot of money . " The table was quiet for what seemed like hours . I was starting to think that asking my friends to be a part of their special day wasn 't such a good idea . TPosted by Work was better today . It felt like I was pulling teeth instead of having my teeth pulled . I tried to think about my novel while I was in a meeting that I really didn 't want to be in . Yesterday 's word count was nowhere near what it should have been , so I wrote notes about what I could do to boost my word count today . After we were finally dismissed from the meeting I checked my email and ran across and email from the Procrastinating Writer that states that sometimes we have trouble writing because we are trying to be perfect . She helped me realize that it 's alright for my first draft to be all willy - nilly because I can fix it later . My problem is that I have already solved my crime but I am only a little over halfway to the 50 , 000 word goal . So , what I think I need to do is come up with some scenes that give a little more details about the main characters and the other people that are important to the story . Some flashbacks that explain why my protagonist acts the way she acts may be good . I had to work on a short essay on the importance of mathematics for my algebra class so I won 't be able to work on the novel until later . My notebook and voice recorder will come in handy for catching my loose thoughts . I knew that writing a novel would be a lot of work because I 've started and stopped a number of books but this is the first time that I have truly committed to finishing one . And I am going to finish . I just have to come up with some more material so I can make my book the type of book that I would want to read . Good luck to my fellow NaNoers ! ! Word Count25 , 885 / 50 , 000 My internet connection was acting up this morning so I had a hard time taking my algebra quiz . So I worked on today 's word count . I pushed out 384 before I had to go to work . Everybody at work was trying to make me lose my mind , and it took a lot out of me not to curse them with every bad word I could think of . I had to stop to get a Smirnoff Ice on the way home ; I 'm hoping to forget all of the craziness of the day . I finished the algebra quiz but I did so bad I probably shouldn 't have taken it at all . No it had nothing to do with the Smirnoff ; I think there 's something wrong with the website . By 10 : 10 , I had gotten to 703 . I fought the drowsiness for as long as I could , the Smirnoff was working . I 'm going to be honest with you guys , I 'm running out of material for this book . This next 25 , 000 will not be easy to come by , but I 'll come up with something . And I 'll make up for the lack of words tomorrow . Happy Writing ! ! Word Count25 , 885 / 50 , 000 I was able to write 929 words while I was at my dad 's house . My characters have really developed a mind of their own . My protagonist and both of my antagonists are doing so many things that I hadn 't planned . After a trip to the bookstore , an hour spent on the phone talking to my best friend , and playing with my son ; I made it to 1 , 824 words . Yippee ! ! I 'm over the halfway mark . I told my friend about my book and she 's already volunteered to proofread my first draft . Excerpt " So , um , why was Joshua … Abdul killed ? " " Because of her , " Kadijah said pointing to Shannon . " It wasn 't my fault . How was I supposed to know he was married ? " " Did you ask him ? Do you always just screw guys without asking questions ? " " Well , he had his own place . How many married couples live in two different places ? " " Whatever , but he knew our arrangement . He already had two women , why did he need another one . A butterball that doesn 't know how to pick up after herself . " " A butterball ? I got your butterball . You black , African , b … " " You shut up right now , " Kadijah said pulling a gun from inside her jacket and putting it up to the side of Shannon 's head . Shannon didn 't say anything . I hoped that her tweets would start paying off soon . Someone was bound to get killed in there pretty soon and I was hoping that the killing could be prolonged indefinitely . Kadijah turned her attention back to me . Mr . Muhammad had two wives , two baby mama 's and who knew how many other women . For a guy that didn 't know how to use his you know what , why did all of these women want him ? A dirty thought came to mind but I tried my best to suppress it . It was nasty to think of a dead man 's head between the legs of hundreds of women . " So what are you going to do , Ms . Detective ? Are you ready to start making some real money ? " " Can I get a little time to think about it ? A week or two maybe ? " " You have an hour . If you do not give me the answer that I want , I will not be happy . You 've seen what happens when I ' mPosted by My dad watched D while I attended a tax preparers class . They were showing us how to maneuver through the software ( Tax Wise ) that we will be using at the VITA ( Volunteer Income Tax Assistance ) sites next tax season . There is also a class that I have to take online to be a certified tax preparer but I have until January to complete that . Once I returned to Daddy 's house , I did get a chance to write 244 words . I drove around until D fell asleep in the car , then I went home . I saw that the maintenance guys had not been to the house to finish their repairs so I called my landlady to let her know what was going on . She said that she would send her guy a text message and as soon as I had taken off my work / school clothes , so I could get comfortable , I heard the guys on the front porch . So I rushed to put on my handout dress so I could let them in . I was kind of disgusted because all they did was paint over the molded spots on the wall in my office , but they still did not fix the rotten panel that had fallen out of the makeshift window unit " hole " in the wall . They will have to be back Monday . My landlady said that I could keep part of the rent to replace my items but I 'm not going to replace them until these guys finish playing around and complete everything on my maintenance list . I may just wait until I move , then I will feel more comfortable about it . While D got his handsome rest , I continued writing . The smell of the paint the men had used seeped through two closed doors and was trying to put me to sleep . I had never smelled any paint like that but they said it was some special stuff that would keep the mold from coming back . I think they need to gut the house and start all over , but I 'm just a tenant with plans to move , so I had no say so . I had gotten to 804 words when I decided that I would take a little nap . Sleep did not come of course because of the chemical smell coming from the back room . I was tempted to check into a hotel room for the night but opted for using the ceiling fans in hopes of keepingPosted by Today was a pretty good day . I went back to work today after two days of being off . My son didn 't talk to me for the first hour after he got home from the sitter 's . I wasn 't sure if he was sleepy or mad at me , but whatever it was , he got over it . I alternated working on my novel and talking and playing with D . I came up with a lot of ideas today but , I couldn 't figure out where to fit them all in . Today 's word count was short , only 1 , 088 words . But I 've made a breakthrough that I 'm going to work on tomorrow . Writing this novel has been a lot of work but it has been fun . I hope all of my fellow NaNoers feel the same way . ExcerptWhen Cole Slaw and I walked into Pressure World , we turned to the left and saw teenagers everywhere . I scanned the crowd for my sisters and spotted them at a table in front of the windows . They had never looked so much alike until that moment , with their short black dresses and stilettos . The only difference was that Harmonye had her red hair , very similar to mine , wavy and hanging down her back . Melodye 's was a honey blonde upsweep . They looked beautiful . As I made it through the crowd , I noticed another difference ; Melodye had a tattoo around her wrist that resembled a bracelet . Harmonye had no tattoos . Both of them hugged me and thanked me for coming . They pointed to two seats at their table and Cole Slaw and I sat down . The music was a mixture of old school R & B and new school Hip Hop . Two guys came over and asked the girls to dance , to an R . Kelly song . They both looked at me and smiled ; there would be no bumping and grinding with big sister in the house . " This is cool , " Meosha yelled over the music as she sat down beside Cole Slaw . " It is isn 't it ? Did you bring the Hennessey ? " Cole Slaw asked . " Of course , " Meosha said pulling a huge bottle out of her bag . I didn 't think that a bottle that size could fit in a purse , but there it was . There was a bucket of ice and some cups sitting on the table . I took one sip of the brown liquid and let it burn down my chPosted by I will be taking Spanish this summer . The maintenance guys did more talking than working if you ask me and they still didn 't fix everything . Now it may be my paranoia , but I think they were talking about what they were going to come back and get whenever I go back to work . I hope I can be here when they come back to fix the other stuff . After that I 'm changing the locks so they are going to have to kick the doors in to get in here . Hopefully , one of my neighbors will see them and call the police . Still I was able to make the most of the day , by looking on the bright side - I had an extra day off . D was acting a fool so I sent him to his room . It wasn 't long before he fell asleep . I got in 481 towards my daily word count but since I 'd been wound up since 6 am , I took a page out of D 's book of toddlerhood , I took a nap . D and I paid a visit to my father before I started back on my novel . I wrote a little over 800 while I was there . I talked to my landlady briefly and she said to take part of the rent money to replace my items that were stolen . She said that the maintenance guys would be back tomorrow to fix the other stuff . She advised that I should probably take my laptop with me when I leave . Now come on , did she really think that I wouldn 't take it ? Be for real lady . When D and I made it home , I started on my novel again . It 's my story and I can 't believe all of the twist and turns that are taking place . I love , I love it . I can 't wait until December so I can start my corrections and revisions . My final word count for today was 2169 , which puts me back on track . Here 's a little bit of what I worked on today : A flight attendant and a maid , Mrs . Muhammad was a very busy woman . Two men , two jobs , two cities , and two kids . I wondered what kind of vitamins she took . Before I asked Carl to let me use the bathroom so I could check the medicine cabinet , Peaches walked into the house . I thought she was going to have a coronary when she saw me standing in her living room . " Hello , Peaches , it 's so nicPosted by I 'm going to have to get rid of this chair . D hid my phone in it the other day . But you 'll never guess what he had stuffed in there last night . My coat , my keys , and the cup part of his training pot . He even fell asleep with half of his body stuffed into the side of the cushion . I realized this morning that my cell phone charger was missing and since it wasn 't in the chair with the other items , I assumed that the burglar took it with them . It 's a good thing I have a car charger . According to my car 's built - in thermometer , it was 52 ˚ outside . When I plugged up my phone , I sat there with the car running for a few minutes , then turned it off and went back into the house . I wasn 't sure if my car battery would die from the phone charging so I went outside every once in awhile to crank up the car and let it run for about a minute at a time . In between running outside to the car , I was working on my novel . By 8 : 16 , I had a total of 816 words , isn 't that something . Anyway , I was starting to get sleepy again , so I went into my bedroom to get a little more shut - eye . At 8 : 55 , D made me get up because he wanted to watch TV . After eating breakfast , I snuck back on the computer while D was mesmerized by Clifford the Big Red Dog . I had made it to 1 , 662 by 12 : 29 , when I decided to take a break . That was only 5 short of today 's goal , but I still needed to make up for yesterday and the day before , which was another 1 , 947 . D fell asleep on our way home from picking up something to eat . I ate my salad and half of my pasta before jumping back on my laptop . I didn 't quite make it 1 , 947 but I did do another 1 , 453 , a fact of which I feel pretty good about . The sorry maintenance man didn 't show up today but they promised to come tomorrow morning . I 'm gonna have to miss class for the first time this semester but I need to make sure I get my hot water tank replaced without any more of my other stuff coming up missing . I should be completely back on track with my word count tomorrow . Happy writing , fellow NaNoers ! ! Word CouPosted by I was having a half - way decent day , thinking about my word count and how I was going to make up for yesterday . Unfortunately when I got home all of that flew out the window . I found my TV converter box , microwave and my son 's radio missing . The dressers had been riffled through in both our rooms , but I only had about five dollars in the house so that wasn 't a big deal . When I got to my office , I saw what had happened . My back door was open . Now this same door has been impossible to open since August but I guess the maintenance man forced it open and then opened the storm door to do what he had to do . My landlord said that she would replace my items . Good thing I was paranoid and took my laptop with me for the last two days , I would have had a harder time getting that replaced I 'm sure . After all of this , the maintenance guy still has to come back tomorrow . Thank God and the federal government for federal holidays , because D and I are going to be here monitoring the goings on . Even if I didn 't have the day off , I would have taken the day off . I 've just got this thing about still having stuff to move when I get ready to move , I 'm just funny like that . D is like a guard dog , he watches everything . And he will bust you out , " Mama , what man doing ? Man break thang . " That 's my boy . Since I 'm off tomorrow , I will try my best to get back on track . Like my title implies , I may use my dilemma in my story . So don 't be surprised if my private detective has a fit about somebody breaking into her office . Since I had to work on my the presentation for my boss 's boss , I wasn 't able to work on NaNo this morning . Five hundred words gone down the toilet bowl , and I still had to continue working on it for three more hours once I got to work . Man , I 'm too nice … almost . I wrote some notes for today 's writing while I was in a meeting . No one knew what I was doing because I continued to answer and ask questions , so they figured I was just taking notes . I wrote 1 , 074 words before I got sleepy . I hate not meeting my goal for today , but tomorrow has got to be better . Here 's an excerpt from today 's writing : When Shannon stood to introduce us , I tried to hold in my surprise . Shannon left Kadijah and me in the living room alone . I watched the woman as she folded the laundry . " I 'm sorry for your loss , " I said looking at Kadijah . She stopped folding for a moment and then continued . " I 've been sorry for 10 years . " " What do you mean ? " " He cheated on me for most of our marriage , and didn 't find out about all of the bastard children he had , until recently . " " Did you know that Shannon was his girlfriend when you first started working for her ? " " Girlfriend , please . He had whores all over the city ; she was just one of thousand . " " So , did you kill him here or did you kill him someplace else and just brought him here , " She stopped folding then and got up . " Shannon , I believe my time is up for today . I will see you next week . " " Um , okay , Kadijah , " Shannon said walking into the living room . She went over to the mantle over the fireplace and picked up an envelope . Kadijah took the envelope from Shannon 's hand and picked up her things from the corner . She looked at me , nodded , and walked out the door . " I wonder what 's wrong with Kadijah ; she never leaves in the middle of folding . " I stood up and dragged my cast to the door , " Maybe it was something I said . " Try to stay on track fellow NaNoers . You can do it . Word Count14 , 718 / 50 , 000 My boss 's boss needs me to work on a presentation for her that 's due Tuesday , and I don 't even know where to begin . I 've folded so many little toddler outfits that I 'm about to lose my mind . I spent an hour looking for my cell phone , which just happened to be stuck in the imitation lazy boy chair thanks to this little boy of mine . My landlord has me silently cursing her for not sending the maintenance man over TODAY ! ! This doggone house is falling apart and I am definitely planning to move at the beginning of the year . Despite all of this , I made time to work on my novel . I wrote 529 words before the mess that my son had made of the living room began making me want to snap . I didn 't do a perfect job but at least I wouldn 't be ashamed for people to walk through my front door . Another 553 was added to my word count until I got an undeniable craving for some ice cream . Back in front of the computer with a Butterfinger Blast within arm 's reach , I set out on my mission again . My final word addition for the day came out to be 621 . I am really falling in love with my characters . Even though I am still sticking to my basic outline , my muse is really working overtime when it comes to filling in the blanks . Happy NaNoing ! ! Word Count13 , 654 / 50 , 000 When I woke up this morning , I immediately got my algebra quiz out of the way . I was thinking about what I was going to do to complete my English essay , when D woke up . Since it was still breakfast time at McDonalds , we got dressed and went up there for our sausage fix . Afterwards we headed to my father 's house . After sitting around and telling my dad about all the crazy things that had happened to me this week , I pulled out my laptop so I could finish my essay . Too bad those 500 words didn 't go towards my word count . After rereading and tweaking my essay for about an hour , I finally started on my daily NaNo task . Despite kids running in and out of the house my dad asking me stuff and having to change my supposed to be potty - trained son several times , I was able to get in about 800 words . After eating and watching TV for a while , I packed all my belongings in the car ( including the boy ) and headed home . D feel asleep in the car , which meant that I would definitely get a chance to meet my goal . As soon as we got home , I put the kid in the bed and grabbed my laptop . 867 words escaped from my pen before the cell door was slammed shut by a whining baby , demanding attention . Maybe I 'll be able to write more tonight once he goes back to sleep or exceed my goal tomorrow . Happy Writing , NaNoers ! One week down three more to go . You can do it ! Word Count11 , 951 / 50 , 000 I got up at 6 : 30 this morning . My brain allowed me to come up with 654 words before sleep settled over me again . Halfway through my nap , my sitter called to say that she was coming to pick D up . I had to hurry to get his belongings together . Once she had picked him up and left , I allowed myself fifteen minutes to get a power nap , so I hopped back in the bed until 8 : 30 . Last night 's outting was the inspiration behind today 's word count . I generated 482 words before getting dressed for work . Then decided that I would email the work in progress to my work email so I could add to it whenever I got a break . It was no big surprise that I never got a chance to work on my novel while I was at work . When I got home , I wrote another 804 . Here 's an exert from today 's writing : There was a note taped to my front door when I got home . I opened it and read : " You will not continue to ignore me . " Was that supposed to be a threat ? That damn Carl , I wouldn 't help him after that little stunt for all the rice in Hong Kong . I had a funny feeling when I walked into my apartment . My gun was in a shoe box under the couch , so listened for any type of movement as I made my way over to retrieve it . With gun in hand , I slowly walked down the hall to the kitchen and flipped the light on . I didn 't see anything out of the ordinary , so I walked on to the bathroom . I walked over to the tub and pulled back the shower curtain , nothing there . When I reached the bedroom , I took a deep breath and turned on the light . There was Jerry , lying in the bed , sleeping like the dead . I walked over to the bed and poked him in the side , he grunted and rolled over . There was no sign that he was hurt or anything so , walked back to the door and turned out the light before closing the door behind me . All of that excitement had made me want a drink . I had no gin but I 'm sure there was orange juice in the fridge . When I opened the door , the most horrible thing looked out at me . Since I was a Halloween baby , I wasn 't easily scared , but seeing a dead cat sitting oPosted by I got in 96 words before heading to school . I became a little caught up in my made up world , that is until I heard the baby fidgeting . Reluctantly , I had to call it quits for the morning . For as long as I can remember , I 've loved writing , but trying to meet this 50 , 000 word goal has been addictive . It 's been a real job trying to come up with more material for my novel on a daily basis . Don 't get me wrong , I am so not complaining . I 've just never thought that I would have a writing schedule . After work I went out for a drink with two of my co - workers . Then I picked up D and we headed home . He watched TV while I played around on the internet ( I know , when I could have been writing - stop nagging me , Muse . ) D kept coming into my office , climbing into my lap and then climbing back down . Finally , after an hour of this , he fell asleep in my arms . He had not done this in months , so I cherished the moment , briefly . As soon as I laid the little bugger down , I grabbed my notebook and laptop and got to work . Unfortunately , I only had 251 words in me . I don 't feel too bad because I have a word count cushion that I had been building on over the last few days . So in actuality , I am still on schedule . With no school and no pending homework due dates in the morning , I plan to reach my quota and build towards a new cushion . Have a great night , NaNoers . Happy writing . Word Count8 , 344 / 50 , 000 I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to write a whopping 1 , 745 words this morning , before my son woke up . After that , I had to dress both of us and drop him off at the sitter 's before going to work . Once I returned from work , I remembered that the rough draft for my evaluation essay for English class was due . Too bad I couldn 't add those 300 + words to my NaNo word count . Here 's a little exert from today 's writing : " Spit it out , Carl , or this meeting is over . " " I need you to find Peaches . " " Who the hell is Peaches , a dog or something ? " " She 's my wife . " Look at the balls on this guy . " Now why in the hopscotch hell would I help you find some woman ? " " I 'll pay you . It 's not like you have to do it for free . " Wow . This fool is crazy . " I 'll think about it . " " I really need you to help me . I … " " I said I would think about it . Goodbye Carl . " He tried to hug me again but when I showed him my taser , he backed away . " Did I ever tell you I was sorry ? " " What ? " " Did I ever say that I was sorry , for hurting you ? I didn 't want to , I just couldn 't help it . You just always had a smart mouth and I just didn 't know how to deal with you . " " You knew I was Sassy when you met me . That 's no excuse . Please don 't come to my office uninvited again . The police will be called next time . " " I am sorry , Sassy . I hope you will help me find … " I slammed the door before he finished . What a piece of work . What you think ? Is it great or does it suck ? Currently , I am about 1 , 300 words ahead of schedule and it feels good . Not being connected to the internet while I am working helps tremendously . ( Hint , Hint ) Keep it up fellow NaNoers . Word Count7 , 997 / 50 , 000 I wrote 668 words this morning between English class and work . I was at the public library and some guy asked me for my number . Maybe I looked like a business woman with my laptop and books spread out on the table around me . I gave him one of my numbers but I prayed that he wouldn 't call or that he would just lose the piece of paper I had written it on . Sure it would have been easier just to say that I wasn 't interested but where 's the fun in that ? He asked if he could sit down and talk to me while I wrote but I told him that wouldn 't be a good idea because I needed to concentrate . This was bull of course because I work in a place that 's 90 % black women and we talk all the time and still manage to get our work completed on time . I just didn 't want to be bothered . Once I got off work , I picked up my son and we went home . He fell asleep maybe ten minutes after I had put him in his pajamas . Thank God for that because I was able to write another 1 , 256 before calling it quits . I was so caught up in going over my notes that I lost track of time and didn 't update my word count on the website until a little after 12 : 30 AM . No problem because I 'm ahead of schedule anyway . I may end up having more characters in this story than I can keep up with , but I 'll remedy that after November 30 . Word Count6 , 252 / 50 , 000 Last night I went from 1705 to 2627 but that was interrupted when I discovered that my two year old was decorating the kitchen and living room with mustard . I was so worn out from cleaning up his mess that I tweeted ( Twitter ) a little while before going to bed . I was able to write 751 words this morning before leaving home to run errands and going to work . I could have written a little more but I had to do my algebra homework and then feed D when he stumbled out of bed . My writing notebook and voice recorder were ready to catch loose story ideas , but I was too wrapped up with the goings - on at work to really think of some worthy material . I wrote another 950 tonight but I 'm going to have to call it a night because I have class in the morning . No matter what obsticles encounter , I am determined to see this challenge through to the very end . I wonder if D 's grannie would mind keeping him for the rest of the month . Humm . . . Just kidding . I 'm have to make this work if I ever want to be a full - time writer . Word Count4 , 328 of 50 , 000 It 's the first day of National Novel Writing Month and I have exceeded by daily quota of 1667 words by a whopping 38 words . I know that doesn 't sound like a lot but to me , that 's a miracle . In all my life I have never written 1705 in one day . The ideas are just flowing from my pin like frappuccino . I think this is going to be a good story and a great learning experience for me . Tomorrow I 'm going to try to write between 2000 and 3000 words . I may be pushing my luck but I 'm going to put forth my best effort . Here 's the synopsis and a short exerpt . . . Synopsis : Wrongfully AccusedShannon Heard is accused of killing her four year 's father and she has hired private investigator , Sassy Johnson , to find the real killer and clear her name . Excerpt : Wrongfully Accused " Why didn 't you invite the officer in ? " " He had on a uniform but he hadn 't shown me his badge , for all I knew he could have been a police officer impersonator . " " Come on , Ms . Heard , if you really thought that , you wouldn 't have opened the door let alone gone outside to talk to him , if you thought he wasn 't a real officer . " " Well … I didn 't invite him in because the house was dirty . " " What do you mean dirty ? Like drugs or something ? " " No nothing like that , I mean messy . My housekeeper only comes once a week and in between time my house looks a mess . I don 't like people to come over when it 's not tidy . Not even Pearce , " she pats his hand and he whispers that he understands , but I ask the question that I 'm sure he 's asked or at least wanted to . " Why don 't you ' tidy ' it yourself ? " " It 's not that simple . I work a full - time job , I go to school twice a week , I have to run errands , and I have to tend to Nedra . She 's four and she is a hand full . It 's just so hard to find the time or the energy to keep the house clean . I hate doing dishes and folding laundry . I can cook more often since I have someone else to clean my kitchen . Kadijah does everything I hate doing when she comes on Thursdays . I love her . She never complaPosted by This nearly brought tears to my eyes . Can you guys please help a sister out ? I got the Mirena about 4 years ago after having my son . Si . . .

LG got her first pair of ice skates from Grandma and Grandpa Mickelson and we tried them out yesterday . At first she kept trying to walk on the ice with them , but we showed her how to glide and she was off like a pro . It amazes me how many things she can do well the first time she tries . I was a lot more causious and clumsy as a kid . It might have had something to do with my height . LG is just a little peanut and doesn 't have a height issue to compensate for . Anyway , we had to coax off the ice with hot cocoa and dinner and a promise to go back tomorrow . We had little girl overnight for the first time Friday . It was a success . When I picked her up at Foster mom 's house I didn 't know if it would be . She seemed a bit nervous . When we got into the car I asked her if she was . She told me that ' yes ' she was nervous . We were able to talk about it and I was thankful for that . She has been having a few problems talking about her feelings with her foster mom and with her therapist , so I wondered how that would go with me . We had a good talk about it , and thankfully that 's all she needed . Once we got back to the house , we were met by her therapist and LG showed off her room and all the great things that she had in it . After she left we played paper dolls , crazy 8s and Old maid . Then Jerry came home and played with LG so that I could cook dinner . We ate and LG talked nonstop about all kinds of things . I must say that she 's a good eatter . The nieces and nephews are the opposite , so it 's nice to cook for a kiddo that will eat anything . After dinner she and Jerry went down to the studio and played drums and recorded a song . LG sang , but didn 't want anyone in the room while she did . Silly girl . After that we watched ' Elf ' and then it was time for bed . Once we told her it was bedtime she was ready to go to sleep . I turned on her nightlight and gave her the glass of water she asked for , tucked her in and gave her a good night kiss , and she went to sleep . She didn 't seem at all nervous . I think our little talk worked out . In the morning I got us an hour before anyone else and had a chance to have my coffee and do my crossword . The dogs got noisy and woke Jerry and LG up . I asked her how her night went and she said that it went well . She heard a lot of noised , and a shadow on the ceiling scared her a bit . I listened and assured her that she would get used to it . Then we were off to the kitchen to make waffles . Again , she ate like a champ . She really wanted me to do her hair , so I spent the next few hours braiding it up . It looked really cute and she was happy to have it done . After thatPosted by On Wednesday we took LG over to Grandma Cris 's house for dinner . Grandma also invited Cousin Ayreonah over to meet LG . We ordered pizza and made a gingerbread house and the girls played together . I think they had a good time . I know that I did . It seemed alot more relaxing then the other night when we met Tekaija and Naz and Izy . Here 's LG 's beautiful and sweet gingerbread house . I think she really had fun making her house and eating her candy . Today I pick her up at 3 : 00 and we will have our first overnight . I can 't wait , I think that it will go well . We are going to try and keep it low key so we can get to know eachother better . We had a really great day baking cookies on Sunday . I think LG had a great time too . She decorated her heart out with sprinkles and red hots . My sister Kirstin even helped her bake some cookies in her Easy Bake oven . She was so proud . She ate 2 , and gave one to me and one to grandma Betsey ( my mom ) . When she wasn 't baking she was colloring with Jerry , playing barbies with Kirstin , or listing to Kids Bop on her radio in her room . We had an old boom box with a CD player in it that we put in her room . I think she likes that a lot . Her foster mom said she had a hard time falling asleep that night . I hope it was just because of all the commotion from the day and not nerves . Yesterday , I picked LG up from school . I didn 't know how that was going to go because I know she doesn 't like her foster mom to pick her up or drop her off at school . Well it didn 't go that great . As we were walking out a boy from her class asked if I was her mom . She got a bit mad at him and said , " No . " I figured that she would say that . I 'm not going to lie and say that it didn 't hurt my feelings a bit , but I can understand it . After we got into the car things got better . We drove over to The Railstation to wait for Jerry to get off work . When we got there LG was introduced to Grandma Cris who welcomed her with a big hug and chicken fingers and fries . She only had pretzels for lunch because she didn 't like the other things that her foster mom packed for her , so she was a bit hungry . So , we visited with Grandma and played a bit of tic - tac - toe until Jerry got there . Then we were off to visit Jerry 's sister and her kids for dinner . It 's a good thing that we have a DVD player in the car , because it was a 45 minute drive and it kept her occupied and happy . Once we got there she was a bit nervous , but Tekaija , our niece was so excited to meet her , that she instantly warmed up and had a great time and didn 't want to leave . She even had fun playing with Izy , our 9 month old nephew . I am happy that they got along so well . When we got back , she told her fosPosted by On Friday at 4 : 00pm we drove up to a cute little house in the city . I was really nervous . It 's not everyday that you meet your daughter for the first time . As Jerry and I walked up to the door we saw her through the window sitting at the dining room table . She saw us and jumped up from her chair . She didn 't come to the door to greet us . She was nervous as well . We were greeted by her foster mom and the family dog Olive , a boxer . I could see LG from the corner of my eye as we took off our coat and shoes . She was intently trying to figure us out . As we made our way to the table she dropped some coins on the floor and headed under the table to pick them up . She would not return to her seat for 10 minutes . Her therapist told us that she was very nervous and excited . The photo album I made for her lay on the table with a few questions for us on a sheet of notebook paper . We didn 't push her to come up from under the table to meet us , but eventually she did . Once she was out she was bouncing all over the place with nervous energy . Finally , we got her to sit down and read us the life book that she made when she was 7 . We learned all about her likes and dislikes , her favorite foods , colors , and songs . Her therapist left once everything calmed down and her foster mom served us hot cider and crackers and cheese . She then excused herself too , so that we could have a moment together alone . I asked her if I could take her picture , and she beemed . We got a group photo of the 3 of us that I will charish always . Then she showed us her room , and every other room in the house . The family had plans that night to see a play , so we gathered up our things to leave our little girl . She kept asking her foster mom why we couldn 't go to the play too . That was a relief to hear , because at least she liked us and wanted to spend some more time together . As we left I wanted to give her a hug , but was nervous how she would react to that , so I didn 't . I wish I would have . Then yesterday Jerry and I got up at 7 : 00am and cleaned the house up a bit andPosted by Here it goes . . . Tomorrow we meet her after schoolSaturday we will get her for half the daySunday we will get her all dayMonday after schoolWednesday after schoolAll the next weekend and then she moves in on the 22nd ! ! ! I am nervous and excited all at the same time . It 's a good thing that I washed all her bedding and put them on her bed this morning . On Sunday we have planned for my mom and sisters to come over to bake cookies . LG had plans to do cookies this weekend at her foster home , so it works out great that we will be doing them this weekend as well . That way she won 't be missing out . I am so glad that I decided to make a second call to the adoption worker today . I got the transition right from the maker ! ! ! I worked really hard last week after Andy moved out to get Little Girl 's room all done and furnished with all the goodies that we have received from the showers we have had thus far . We were supposed to see LG this weekend , but of course we didn 't hear from our social workers this weekend , and therefore our visit didn 't happen . I hope to hear from them today . I really hope that we will meet her this week . They told us that they were going to tell her on Friday and give the photo album I made for her of our family . I hope that went well . Hopefully we will meet LG this week . We are waiting on some paperwork to move forward , but we hope to have that in the next couple of days . LG 's therapist is on vacation this week and they wanted her to help break the news to her , but her social worker can also do that . Don 't know what they 've decided yet . I also have to get our photo album to our Social Worker . She will then get it to whomever will be breaking the news to LG . So , they kept telling us we would have her for Thanksgiving , but I am doubting that will actually happen . At least we will get to meet LG , and she will know that she will be a part of a family for Christmas . I am so excited to meet her , I am about to burst out of my skin . I hope that doesn 't actually happen , however , because it could get a bit messy . Just kidding . . . LG is all set for Santa to fill her stocking on Christmas morning . I made her a stocking this weekend . I knew that if I didn 't get it done before Thanksgiving there would be a posibility that I would have to buy one of those cheepies and puff paint it . Jerry and I have handmade ones that I made a year ago and I didn 't want her to feel left out . Also , I have put the first coat of paint on her dresser , nightstand , and vanity . Here 's the before picture : I have also found the bedding for her bed , but I won 't be buying it until Wednesday . Our renter is going to be moving out by the end of the month , so that means that we should have her home with us for good around the first of the month ! Tomorrow we are meeting with her therapist to get a feel for what she 's like and what her emotional needs will be . I cannot wait to meet her and find out what makes her tick . We have been asked by several people what we need for her , and I want to wait until we meet her to make sure what we know so far is on track . On another note , some family and friends are throwing us a shower . They want us to experience having that special day . LG won 't be coming to the showers because we don 't want to overwhelm her , plus I don 't want to put her in any awkward situations like that . We will be registering at Target for things she will need in her room like sheets , pillows , lamps , alarm clock , and probably some books and a few toys . She doesn 't have many of her own things from what we here , and we don 't want her to be bored out of her mind when she gets here . We do have a few things that I have collected for our neices and nephews when we have them over , but they are more geared to the younger ages . Anyway , I / we are so blessed to have such supportive people in our lives that will do these kinds of things for us . I thought I would have to go without the baby shower experience , but it turns out life has other plans for us . We 've been chosen to be LGs parents ! I just got the news and I am very excited . I felt in my heart that it would end up this way , but with so much disappointment in the past I didn 't want to get my hopes up . Now I can . Yesterday I went and got a dresser and nightstand because I thought we would need them eventually , but now I know that we will be using them very soon ! We are going to have a child in the house this holiday season and I am so thrilled . I know my family will be too ! This is me and my brother on Halloween . Today he turns 21 . I cannot believe that he is really that old . I remember the day that he was born . My mother woke me up in the middle of the night to tie her shoes and get ready to go to the hospital because she was in labor . I was 13 - years - old and so excited that I would finally have a little brother . I was by my mom 's side through her whole labor , and with the doctor when my brother came into the world . Now he 's taller then me and too big to put my arms all the way around . Time really flys . Happy Birthday Baby Brother ! Today we got to see a picture of LG at our meeting with her workers . It was only a cell phone picture , but you could tell she was a cutie . She has dimples . I have always wanted dimples ! Everything went well , and I am confident that we will have the go ahead on Monday . The worker that meets with her every month had nothing but good things to say about her except that she can get sassy with people she 's close to . What kid doesn 't ? I feel like I have a lot in common with this LG and I am excited to meet her . She 's artisitic and loves to read . She hasn 't had alot of opportunity to do many things or go many places . I know that Jerry and I can facilitate those kinds of things for her . She will fit into our family really well and I know that her cousins will love to have her around . Her workers want to get her moved fairly quickly to her new home . We could have her here by the end of the month . Can you believe it ? For the sake of keeping the child that we are matched with anonomous I will going forward call her LG , short for little girl . We are in the process of setting up a meeting with our worker and LG 's workers . In this meeting I get the impression that they will get a chance to ask us questions that were not answered in our homestudy . We will also get a chance to ask some questions . Then , after this meeting we will get the final decision whether her workers think we are still a good fit . If so , and we still want to go forward then we get to start meeting with the important people in her life like , teachers , doctors , workers , her foster mom etc . I wonder how long this will take and when we will be able to meet her . I keep telling myself that we are on our way , and hopefully if all goes well , we will be parents very soon . We got the packet of social history information on Saturday and we have decided that there 's nothing in there that would cause us to turn back , so we are looking forward to the next step . It turns out that this child is not the 10 year old , but she is an 8 year old little girl . From the report that we got she seems to be small for her age , but we have still not seen a picture of her . Since this isn 't a done deal , I would like to keep other information about her private until we get further along in the process . Since finding out more information and deciding that we would like to move forward , I keep decorating her room in my head , coming up with special mom and daughter activities , and other things . It couldn 't be happier where we are now . I hope we hear from our social worker today to find out what 's next . I will continue to keep you posted . I just got an email from our social worker that a worker for a child that we submitted our homestudy for contacted her to say that she thinks we will be a good match . Unfortunatly , I don 't know which child this is . I left a message with our worker , but haven 't heard back yet . I should be getting information in the mail , but I can 't wait . I am thinking it 's probably the little girl , 10 - years - old , that we were interested in . I will let you know when I know more . It 's exciting to see process happening ! This weekend we picked out our pumpkins . Ate apple goodies like donuts , turnovers , brats . And drank apple cider and tested wine . We also picked apples directly from the trees . All in all we had a great weekend . On Sunday we had a visit from our nephew Josh with his little girl Savannah . She 's adorable , 3 , and looks just like her daddy . Also on Sunday , my sister Melanie came over to watch football with us . On Thursday we had our second matching meeting . It went well . We have migrated a bit higher in age . we have requested information on a could of sibling groups where the children are over 10 . Although our niece will enjoy having some cousins here own age . There are several youngersters that are in sibling groups of 3 , but we still need to discuss those . Jerry is very nervous about having 3 new little ones in our house all of a sudden . I think it might be a bit overwhelming . Today I had my Remicade infusion and now I feel blah . I have a bit of good news though . I have a phone interview tomorrow morning . Wish me luck . Yesterday I made 6 loaves of bread . Three of them were pumpkin ( my favorite ) and 3 were zuccini bread from the 3 ton zuccini that my mother in law gave us a week ago . I have been cutting off hunks to make for dinner and now for the bread and there 's still a 3rd more left . I don 't know what I am going to do with it . Hopefully , by the time I get home next Wednesday from up north Jerry will have eatten the rest of it and I won 't have to worry about it . We also brewed a new batch of fall beer last night . We have an annual Halloween party at our house each year and we wanted a few varieties for our guests to enjoy . So , this year they will have a choice between a pumpkin ale and an apple ale , and of course the normal Michelob Lite from the keg . Boy , it sounds like we are lushes , but really we have so much because we are expecting about 100ish people . Last year we topped out at 69 , but we invited a few more this year , so it 's gonna be a full house , literally . This morning I got up really early . I couldn 't sleep with anticipation of my adventure this weekend . In a few short hours I will off on my 3 hour drive . This will be the first time I have driven up north alone . It should be alright though . At least I don 't have to fight over the radio with the hubs . Well , I have been going through a mini crisis the past few days . I can 't stand being at home anymore and I feel less then productive . Why doesn 't anyone want to hire me . I have a great resume and a good personality if I do say so myself , but still I haven 't had any good employment prospects for months . Maybe it 's because I have been unemployed for 10 months and I am getting out of " practice " . I am willing to take a paycut and everything , but still nothing . I know that this is not a reflection on myself and that the job marked just sucks right now , but it 's getting more difficult to accept that as the reason . Again and again I have to reason with myself that it 's not a personal refection on me . In other news , we have another flyer meeting scheduled with our social worker on the 15th to go over all the flyers of the waiting kids in the system . I am excited for this meeting , but I don 't expect anything to come of it , since we came out of the last one with high hopes and nothing to show for it at this point . This weekend I will be heading up north to spend about 6 days with my younger brothers . My dad and stepmom are going to a lodge up north for their 20th Anniversary . It seems like not so long ago that they were married . Can you believe that I actually loved that polka - dot dress . My stepmom Kathy sewed if for me as well as my sisters pink one . Flashback to the eighties . . . I know that you are jealous of those bangs too . I had that down pat that I didn 't even need a mirror to make them do that . Just a little hairspray and a blowdryer . I hope that fashion never comes back into style . Well , today we got a call from our social worker with disappointing news . All the children that we submitted our homestudy for have been placed with relatives or tribe members . She did have news of another little girl that we are definatly interested in . She 's 2 years old , soon to be 3 in October . Some other good news is that we have scheduled another flyer meeting where we will meet with our social worker and go through all the waiting children in the state . It 's disappointing that we weren 't a match for any of the children we were interested in . It just wasn 't ment to be I guess . In other news I am fighting a cold that has been hanging on for a week now . It just gets slightly worse every day . I just wish it would go away already . I am supposed to have my next infusion soon and I can 't be sick for that or I will have to reschedule . ugh . A family friend got married and I took the photos . It was a really lovely wedding held on a beach with the reception on a boat . It couldn 't have been more beautiful . Labor Day weekend we spent relaxing at a friend 's cabin . We had a really great time and I hope we will be able to make it next year if they have it . I went up to my Dads to take my brother Patrick 's senior pictures . He 's getting so grown up , I remember when he was a little guy toddling around . Now , this weekend we are having our niece and nephew over . We are going to try and take them fishing . That should be fun . I hope that we can find the fish . Jerry and I had a lovely time out for our anniversary . We both ate so much that you could have rolled us out of there . Anyway , when we got home I was playing with the dogs on my bed and Cody got a little wiggly and rolled his big noggin into my nose . Well I heard a big crack and it instantly started to bleed . I haven 't had a nose bleed since I was a kid , but I knew what to do and within a few minutes I had it stopped . I was afraid that I had broken my nose , so I applied an ice pack and inspected the damage . Everything appeared okay so I went to sleep . Well , the next morning I woke up feeling groggy , dizzy and a bit nausous . I figured it would wear off in a few hours . I did my usual morning things , but it the feelings wouldn 't go away , so I decided to take a shower and eat lunch . Still the same . So , I decided to take a nap . When I got up from my 2 hour nap , I felt horrible . I was worried that something could be wrong with me that might be more serious , so off to the ER I went . After a CAT scan it turns out I just had a concussion . The doctor advised me to rest and get lots of fluids . She said it could take as long as a week to feel better . OK , so I went home and slept most of the evening and night . When I got up on Thursday morning I felt even worse , and really emotional . I called the on call doctor and he said it was normal . Ugh . I called my mom and she came over to sit with me and take care of the dogs and me . By 5 : 00pm I was finally able to get dressed and make dinner . What an experience . I never though a little bump on the head could make a person feel so bad . Thank goodness I am feeling better today because we have plans to go camping with my moms family . Today Jerry and I celebrate our 8th Wedding Anniversary . It 's really hard to believe that it 's been 8 years since we got married . It seems to have flown by so fast . There are so many things that have changed , but we are still together and that hasn 't changed . My husband is my best friend and I am glad to have him . I would marry him all over again , and that 's a wonderful thing to admit . The plan is to spend a relaxing time at Pittsburgh Blue Steakhouse eating dinner and enjoying eachothers company . I can 't wait . Seems that we were referred for this little girl back in July . We should here somehthing at the end of the month or early next month . We have also had our homestudy submitted for 2 sibling groups . Both of them are 1 boy and 1 girl . The first group is a 1 and 8 year old and the second is a 3 and 5 year old . So excited , but not holding my breathe . This weekend we are up to the north to visit my dad and my family up there . Next weekend it 's camping with my mom and the family down here . It 's going to be a family fun fest for the next couple of weeks . I am looking forward to visiting my dad and my up north family as I only get to see them a couple of times each year . I just hope the weather gets a bit nicer tomorrow and the Sunday . This past weekend Jerry had a softball tournament . They won thier normal league , so they were invited to the state tournament . They placed 8th in the state , which is their best yet . I was very proud of them . I normally don 't go to the tournaments but I felt like I should at least go to the state tournament . Guess it was a great time to go since they did so well . We stayed all day on Sunday after they played their last game to watch the semi - finals and final games . I ended up with a good sunburn on my face . I am still feeling the effects today . We finally heard from our worker today . She 's still waiting to hear back from 2 workers on 2 sibling groups , but has refered us for a 1 year old little girl and is waiting to hear back from that worker . She asked to schedule a time for us to talk , about what I am not sure , but I am happy to get some news . Wouldn 't it be so much fun to have a 1 year old little girl ? I 'm excited for the possibility ! Well , it 's been a while , but still I have nothing to report . Today I went to my Remicade appointment where they doubled my dosage leaving me a bit fatigued . When I got home the hubs decided not to go to work after going to the hospital for his back pain . They gave him muscle relaxers and pain meds . They knew that 's all they would do , but he couldn 't sleep last night because of the pain and needed the relief . He 's been seeing a chiropractor for a few weeks because of this issue . Anyway , when I got home all I wanted to do was take a nap , but alas , the dogs wouldn 't leave us alone , so I just gave up and took them outside to play while I finished up my book . The hubs is still resting . I wish . . . This weekend will be interesting because he has a softball tournament that he 's supposed to play in , but won 't be able to . Since , he 's the manager , he will have to go anyway . Don 't know if I 'll be going though since he 's not playing . Tomorrow night I am having dinner with my sister , grandma , and aunts . I am looking forward to it since it 's been a while since we last had dinner together . It 's my grandma 's birthday coming up , so I think I will bring her a little something tomorrow . She doesn 't like gifts , but I hope she will like the necklace I plan to make her , since it will be homemade . Fingers crossed . We are still waiting to be matched with children . I guess it 's good that we haven 't been matched yet , only because I am still unemployed and our funds are still a bit tight these days . Other then that my heart is aching for kiddos . I don 't know how the state can advertise to get sympathy for all the kids in foster care , when they take so long in placing them . Or is it just us ? Who knows , it just adds to the frustration of the whole process . It 's hard to image that this should take almost 3 years . When we first started they said it could take a few months to a few years . I never imagined we would be on the long end of the timeline . ugh . Yesterday I had a date to meet my husband at a movie theater after work . I waited all day . He got preview tickets from work to go see Funny People and I was really looking forward to it . I decided that I would wait until 4 : 30 , then go to the thrift store on the way . I wanted to look for mens dress shirts for cheap . I use them to make quilts and I have been needed some new ones for a while . Well , I looked around a while and found some I liked as well as a pair of shoes , ballet flats from the gap , and a cute shirt for myself . I paid at the register and happily went out to the truck . I looked at the time on my phone to make sure I hadn 't wandered to long in the store . I had plenty of time to make it to the theater to meet Darling Husband . Putting the key in the ignition I , but not starting it , I situated my bag and purse on the seat next to me . Then , I turned the key . The truck whined and whined , but would not start . So , I wait a few minutes and tried again with the same result . My night was shot . I called DH and he came and got me , then we went home for the tow rope to tow the truck home . We got back to the thirft store and tied the truck to the SUV and followed all the backroads to the car repair shop . Unfortunatly , we were about to turn into the parking lot of the shop and the tow roap broke . Ugh . The people behind me were upset because now they missed their turn light and gave me a glare on the way past . I guess the didn 't see my hazard lights flashing the whole time . Anyway , Jerry was able to get a good knot in the rope to at least get us into the parking lot . Thank heavens . Now , I am waiting to hear what the estimate to fix it will be . I think this is all my fault for jinxing us . Just the other day I was thinking how the truck has been really good and we haven 't had many problems with it recently except for the rusty bumper , but that 's to be expected after 11 Minnesota winters . So , we missed the movie I had been waiting to see , and now we get to look forward to a repair bill . There was lots of fun things to do , like : Pinatas with candy and whistles Paddle Boats and Fishing Throwing balls around the grassy areas And playing with babies , which was my favorite . We ended up having about 30 family members showing up , which I think must have been a miracle , this being the first year we tried to get this done , and having ony a month to put all the plans together . We are planning on doing it next year with a game , food , and park commitee to put together some fun things . I can 't wait . ( my great - grandmother Britha Hambre Larsdatter , second from the right ) A few years ago I was fortunate enough while doing some family research to happen upon a distant cousin in Norway . He 's from my maternal great - grandmother 's side of the family and I am so happy to have found him . Recently we have been trading a lot of documents and photos . I went searching in the lock box that was in my grandfather 's office when my grandmother died . I have looked in the lock box before , but this time with a purpose of finding things that would be of interest to my Norweigen cousin . I found a newspaper article with a photo of all my great grandmothers brothers and sisters which I immediatly sent to him . Since I cannot read Norweigen I asked him to translate it for me . I cannot wait to hear back what it says . It 's also been helpful to determine the names of the people that I have pictures of , but don 't know who they are . I am so thankful that we were able to connect . It 's been great getting to know a little about my great - grandmother who died when I was a baby . I have a photo where she is holding me on her lap when I was not even a year old . What a blessing it is to get to know about her and her family even if it 's long after she took her last breathe . Today I did a little bit of research and found out that I will be able to continue my unemployement . It 's a relief to know that I can , however I hate relying on the state to bail me out . I have always thought poorly of those people that let the state or fedral government pay their way , but fortunatly I am not often unemployed and feel that I have paid a lot in taxes over the past 17 years of employement to deserve some help now . I am waiting to hear back from the company that I had the interview with last week , I really am hoping that I get this job . Then I won 't have to continue as I am now . It 's a terrible feeling not having control over your finances . Jerry can support us both , but it would make life a less comfortable . Since I suffer from anxiety issues , I would rather have a bit more control over my life . Therefore , a job is a number one priority right now . I am a bit glad that we don 't have kids right now , because it would add to the stress of the situation . Although , it would be lovely to spend that summer with them going to the park and the beach and things like that . This has been a busy weekend . On Friday I helped some friends move into thier first house . It 's a cute little place , and they didn 't have alot of stuff , so it was a cinch to move even though I was warn out at the end of it all . Darn arthritis of mine . That night I went to sleep early . On Saturday we went to a housewarming party for someother friends of ours . They have a really great place by a popular lake in our area . It 's a great starter home and even though it 's older you would never know because of all the updates done by the previous owners . While I was there I got a stomach ache that I couldn 't get rid of . So , the husband went to a birthday party that I was supposed to got to as well and I stayed home and read a book on my stomach . Thank goodness I was feeling better around midnight and was able to get some good rest last night . Today , we are waiting for the kidlets to get here to visit for a bit , then it 's off to watch the husband play softball . It 's their last regular season game , and they need to win both games tonight to win the league championship outright . Exciting , exciting . After that we are off to a BBQ with some friends . It 's kind of a blessing that I don 't work during the week , because at least I have time to recover from all the things going on during the weekends . I 've got an interview this morning ! Wish me luck ! I would love to actually get this job and be working by August . My unemployment is going to run out in 3 weeks and we can 't afford for DH to pay all the bills by himself . UPDATE : The interview went great . I will know by next week if I get a second interview . I really hope so . It seems like my kinda job as well as my kinda company . It 's a small office of about 6o people and the atmosphere seems really great ( like one big family ) . Wish me luck . Last weekend my little sister and I made homemade pretzels . They turned out really great and I didn 't know that they were so easy to make . So , here 's the finished product . These are the ones that I created . These are my sisters . As you can tell she didn 't think that here 's were that great . But , I think they were just fine for our first try . Here she is stretching her dough . It was a pretty fun time and something I had never done before either . I really like baking with my sisters . It 's a lot of fun . It 's more fun then baking alone , even though I enjoy that as well . Adoption Update : Got an e - mail from our SW which stated that she got my message and would get back to me soon . Ugh . Yesterday we took the dogs out in the boat for a little fishing . Before we knew it Cody was in the water . He jumped from the front of the boat while we weren 't looking . Crazy dog . It 's the first time we have taken him near the water and it appears that he likes it alot . I was surprised that Tullah didn 't follow him in . She follows him everywhere . We did have a bit of trouble getting him back into the boat however . It took some coaxing to get him to the back of the boat , but once we got him there it was a bit easier . He looked so happy though , it was hard to be mad at him for enjoying his swim and now we know that we should watch him a bit more closely when we take him on the boat . As for Jerry and I , we had a great time relaxing on the boat . I didn 't catch anything , but Jerry caught two northerns . They were small so he threw them back into the lake . The weather was lovely . It was a breezy 75 degrees and sunny . That 's my favorite kind of weather . I did manage to get a bit of a burn on my back , but that 's to be expected on the water . Today is my husband 's birthday and I won 't be spending it with him . He 's got a softball event today that he does every year that he looks forward to . It feels a little weird , but if it 's what he wants to do on his birthday I can 't complain . We celebrated last night with friends and family and had a great time . Now , today I have to myself . I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do . Since I usually have days to myself while not working it feels like any other day . Hmm . I thought of a movie , but I have seen everything out that I want to see . I could mow my lawn , but that 's no fun . I dunno what I will end up doing , but I am sure it will be relaxing . Maybe I will call my mom or my sister and do something with them . It 's too bad my sister in law doesn 't have a phone . I would call and see what she and the kids are doing today . It would be fun to spend some time with the kiddos if I could . Today is a rainy day , and all I want to do is sleep . Tomorrow we have Jer 's birthday dinner and concert and I will be running around getting things together , but today is mine . Here 's my plan . . . Read , Eat Lunch , Read , Make Dinner , veg out ! Jerry could have gotten us tickets to Bruno tonight , but I don 't really wanna see it . I didn 't really like Borat all that much , so I am sure Bruno will be the same kinda thing . I would rather just stay in and spend some quiet time with the hubbins . Tomorrow I have a phone interview that I am looking forward to . Pray that it goes well and I get an actual interview out of it . It 's been a few months since my last in person interview . It would be great to actually get this job , because I am running out of unemployement . Only a few weeks left of it . On the plus side , I do have some weddings to shoot in the near future so if my unemployement does run out I won 't be high and dry . I left a message with our Social worker on Monday . I have heard nothing from her yet . I will call her again on Monday . Hopefully , I will get a response before that , but I won 't hold my breathe . This weekend was really fun . We went up to a friends cabin on Friday and Saturday . We didn 't stay up there because it was only an hour from our home , and we didn 't have anyone to take care of the dogs , but the trip was short so it was no big deal and we got to sleep in our own bed . So , on the 4th of July I went tubing . And it didn 't even hurt . I thought that when I woke up on Sunday morning I would be sore , but I really wasn 't . I did have a really large bruise on my arm , but that wasn 't from tubing . That was caused by my two left feet causing me to trip into the casing around the boat windshield . Figures , right , that I would get hurt inside the boat and not on the tube . The fireworks were really great too , because we were on a lake and could see several displays going on off multiple shores , but the best were put on by the lake association with an honorable mention going to Don . He brought some with him to shoot off the shore . This is a picture of the new grass I planted that 's coming up great next to the new patio that we put in a couple of weeks ago . There 's a few bare spots , but I will be fixing that up shortly . I 'm just happy that it 's coming in so thick . This is a pretty pink flower that I just added to my garden today . I can 't remember what it 's called , but I know that I should know what it 's called . Anyway , it goes along pretty with the little purple ones below . I 've also these pretty ladies in my sunny garden to add more color . I have alot of perennials in there , so I needed some more color since most of the flowers in the bloom in the spring and fall . These little guys have come back three years in a row . It 's amazing because where I live they aren 't supposed to do that . These came back this year too . This is only their 2nd year though . This is my shadier garden under my pine trees . It 's where I have the stones for my animals that have passed away . This is my sun garden . Can you believe that I bought this as a kit from www . bluestoneperinnials . com almost 6 years ago . They came packaged in a box . There are only a few things that died off after the first year . I hae been pretty happy with it . I think next year I am going to try and expand it a bit . Tonight I gave both of my doggies baths . My sister was over earlier and asked how I kept them so clean , because for the most part they always do look clean . I thought about it and decided that it was because they have short hair and the dirt just rubs off . I didn 't tell her that I hadn 't bathed them in a while and I felt a bit bad for the dogs , so after she left I got out the soap and dragged them into the bathroom one by one to get them truley clean . To my amazement they weren 't really dirty . The water that came off them as I rinsed them was really rather clean . I think it must be all the rolling in the grass that they do . But , I am pretty baffeled because they also roll in the dirt alot . I guess I have just been blessed with clean dogs . This was not the case with Peppe as you all can remember , for although he lived with us not even a month I gave him 3 baths while he was here . So , I recommend for anyone who wants a clean looking dog to get a shorthaired breed , but not White , because White shows everything . I guess its the same reason I don 't wear alot of white shirts . I can never keep them clean . Lazy summer days are supposed to be a good thing , but for me , they are getting a little old . I never ever thought I would say that in my life , but at this point in my life I would rather be working , or raising my kids . I think I have read 12 books in the past month , did tons of yard work and housework , and I am really getting bored with it . I guess the good news is that I have been getting calls and interviews these past weeks as well , so hopefully that 's a good sign that I will soon have a job in the next few weeks . I only have 6 more weeks of unemployment , so I better find something soon . Camping with the kiddos was fun . We told ghost stories . I think mine was the least scary of them all . For some reason these kids like all the violent killing etc that kids these days are subjected to on TV . Anyway , my niece suggested that after each person was done that we should say something nice about the story they just heard . I don 't know where she gets this stuff , but it was really cute of her to make the suggestion . The night was pretty warm and I didn 't even cover myself up in my sleeping bag . The kids did , however because they don 't like bugs and dirt . I didn 't care because 1 - the sleeping bags were just cleaned 2 - I know that these things won 't hurt me and will either just wash up or crawl away . I even had the 4 month old out there with us . He slept just fine when the older children weren 't waking him up . He 's a natural camper . One of these days we will have to take them all to an actual campground to camp since they did so well in the back yard . This weekend we are planning to have our niece and nephew over to have a camping trip in our backyard . We have leftover marshmellows and graham crackers from last weeks trip to Chicago to use up and I don 't think the little ones have ever been camping . So , we are going to setup the tents and sleeping bags , make a fire in the firepit and have us a campout . I think it will be fun for them and it will give us another opportunity to setup the tent and give it some air . I think we have only used it 4 times since we bought it 4 years ago . The funny thing is I do enjoy camping , we just don 't get an opportunity to do much of it . An update to the adoption journey : we have not heard a peep from anyone yet . This might be harder then waiting to get all the paperwork approved . ugh . Why didn 't ya 'll warn me . After reading most of he other blogs it seems that this part went faster for other folks . Of course it would be different for us ; Everything usually is . Now I am off to pull out chicken for dinner . Tonight we are having Chicken and Black Bean Salsa over Rice . It 's one of my favorites and it 's so easy to make . I made it up one night after reading some crockpot recipe for quasadillas . I know , weird huh ? Crockpot quasadillas . . . ? Who would have thought of that . We had a really great time in Chicago watching the Twins play the Cubs at Wrigley Field . For the first game we sat on the first base line . We were under cover and the weather was beautiful . At the second game we sat in the outfield bleachers and it rained until the middle of the game . We had a great group of people with us that we have been friends with for a very long time . Since we camped 40 + minutes away we took the Metra train into the city and that ment we didn 't have to worry about parking , which was very convienent . Our campsite was right next to Lake Michigan . We even had a path directly from our firepit to the lake . At night we saw raccoons and skunks . I even saw a deer one day . All in all it was a great trip and the Twin won both the games we went to . This is Isaiah . He 's two weeks old and just a cute little peanut . Elisabeth brought him over the other day and I snuggled him the whole time he was here . Although I couldn 't get him to open his eyes for me . He 's a sleepy little guy . Oh , wait . I got one eye to open , but that 's all he would give me . I had to put his hood back up because my dogs love to smell and lick little baby heads . I don 't know why they do that , but I don 't like it . I have to keep little baby heads protected from puppy tongues . Here 's me holding the little peanut . It really makes me sad that I probably won 't have a newborn of my own to snuggle whenever I want , but it 's a little bit of a comfort that all the women who have babies in my family let me snuggle theirs whenever I want .

" Our flying time today to Newark will be four hours and twenty - two minutes . . . " The 738 was still on its climb - out from McCarren International Airport in Las Vegas . Trace listened as the plane 's first officer gave the obligatory announcements . It had been a year since he had seen Jackie at a conference in Orlando . In four and a half hours he would see her again , and her husband , Manny , who he had only met at their wedding . Trace remembered hiring Jackie . A few days before , my secretary had handed me a resume to look at . I had taken a quick glance at it and guessed from the lack of job experience that Jacqueline Smith had probably just graduated from college . I needed another person in the department but I wasn 't all that anxious to train someone . I was hoping to find someone with a little experience . I tucked the resume in my briefcase and quickly forgot it . I had been to visit a company in Princeton , a couple hours from the office . Returning in the late afternoon , I had decided to head home instead of returning to work . I consulted a map to determine the shortest route . One of the towns I had to go through rang some bells . Then I remembered the resume in my briefcase and that the applicant lived in that town . I was already stopped for gas , so I took a look at the resume . Jacqueline Smith seemed to have the right credentials , even if she lacked experience . I noticed her list of awards in gymnastics . Of course there was no picture and no physical description with her resume , but I still imagined that with her achievements in gymnastics , she was probably shaped alright , not that that had anything to do with the job , but it certainly had a lot to do with dinner . My wife had other plans for that night and I was going to have to fend for myself . I wondered if Jacqueline Smith would agree to being interviewed over dinner . On my cellphone I dialed the number she had put on her resume . She answered promptly . Yes , she was still looking for a position . She seemed excited that I had called . Her voice was pleasant enough , a little on the husky side , almost sexy . I told her that I was coming through her town and asked if I could interview her over dinner . I quickly told her that she could bring her husband as well . She told me that she was single , but being a weeknight she had no plans . Plus , being interviewed in her home town would save her a forty - five minute trip to our office . We agreed to meet at a restaurant she recommended . I got there about five - thirty . The maître de told me that he had already seated Ms . Smith and took me to the table . As we introduced ourselves , I noticed a cigarette smoldering in the ash tray . She said , " I hope you don 't mind . I smoke and from force of habit I requested a table in the smoking section . " She looked at me fearfully , like she believed that she had already blown the interview . She had stood up as I approached the table . She did indeed have a gymnast 's figure . She was probably only five - four and couldn 't have weighed much over a hundred pounds . Her body was tight , very little fat , likely all muscle . She wasn 't going to win any beauty contests but she was cute . Her face was small , narrow and lean actually , and her light brown hair was cut short . She was wearing a snug fitting dress that came down to her knees and buttoned all the way up to her neck . Except for the dress being black , she looked like a pixie . I put my pack of cigarettes on the table and thanked her for choosing the smoking section . She sat down with a considerable amount of relief . No , the smoking was not a deal killer and she knew from my attentiveness that she had made a good first impression . I told her about our business , investing in relatively small companies with a lot of potential . I made it clear that she would be expected to evaluate them both from a financial standpoint and a personal one . We discussed her schooling . I was right that she had no previous experience . I was going to have to teach her but I was beginning to think that I might enjoy that . She seemed eager to learn and convinced me that this was the job she wanted . Dinner remained very professional , although I couldn 't help but think of her in other ways . We talked a long time , much longer than if it had been the normal interview in the office . The restaurant began to fill up as other diners came in at the more usual times . Eventually I realized that our dinner had gone much longer than it should have . I assured her that she would be getting an offer letter from us and hoped that she would accept it . By the time we parted company at the restaurant door , it was close to eight . From the way she shook my hand I could tell that I would be seeing her again at the office . Trace 's daydreaming was interrupted by a flight attendant wanting his drink order . It was still morning for Trace and he asked for orange juice and coffee . As the flight attendant set the drinks down in front of Trace , he looked up at her . Her hair was brown and she wore it in a pixie cut . Even though the rest of her was not like Jackie at all , the hair alone was enough to trigger Trace 's remembrances of Jackie at the office . Trace was Jackie 's mentor in more ways then one . He was 10 years her senior and had hired her as a smart good - looking kid out of college . Trace headed up a department for a major investment firm and Jackie was one of a team of young people that worked for him . Jackie was always his favorite , even back then . She was smart , hardworking and although Trace was a happily married man he would enjoy thinking about Jackie 's young body . Although she dressed appropriately for the office , it was hard to hide that strong petite body that college gymnastics had helped to form . He had even had the joy of seeing her on a few occasions at company picnics and barbecues in the more sporty attire that a woman her age would wear . Trace had liked working with Jackie . She had accepted the offer and less than a week after our dinner she came in to work for the first time . I learned right away that she preferred to be called Jackie although her manner of dress on that first day was more like a Jacqueline . She wore a dark blue woman 's suit , trousers that covered her conservative high - heeled shoes , and a jacket that covered most of the frilly white blouse underneath . The blouse was buttoned to the top and she even wore one of those bow - ties with the ribbons hanging down . The jacket was long enough to cover her butt . Except for the cute face and hair - do , there wasn 't really anything sexy about her . It took a lot of imagination to even consider that she might have an attractive body . But I did have some imagination and I was glad that she was there . Except for those few occasions when we planned to meet a company 's principles , dress in the office was pretty casual . Jackie fell into that quickly enough , and except for that first day , and those times we were planning to meet someone , she dressed in ways that were a lot more womanly . Usually it was slacks and a blouse , but there was no jacket . She did have a lovely figure , a curvaceous but tight backside , a trim waist and enough of a bust - line to make me hard from the thoughts of having her breasts in my mouth . Once in a while , especially during the summer months , she would show off her beautifully toned legs with a short skirt . It was at those times that I carefully crafted excuses for us to be working together . Once she was wearing a skirt so short that only a girl of her age could have gotten away with it . If she had been much older , it would have looked too brazen . But on Jackie , it looked cute and sexy at the same time . She had only been there a couple of months and I decided that this was the day I was going to teach her how I analyzed a company 's financials . That would mean we would have to work in my office , side by side , at my computer . I wasn 't sure that I could handle this but I was going to try . My secretary was on the phone as Jackie and I walked past her . I caught a couple of words my secretary said on the phone . I heard Jackie 's name and " favorite " . For a change , I hoped that my secretary was having a personal conversation with a friend . Yes , I guess that Jackie was my favorite , but I hoped that it wasn 't so obvious as to have become a subject of office gossip . I didn 't dare close the door . Jackie 's exposed legs were already drawing enough attention . My interest in schooling her in financial analysis , particularly on this day , probably wasn 't fooling anyone , especially not Jackie . I pulled an extra chair around behind my desk so that we could both see my computer monitor . Jackie tried to sit in the chair I had drawn up for her as lady - like as possible . She tried to tug her skirt down , but it wasn 't going to cover much . She tried crossing her legs , but that only exposed more . Finally , she just sat there with her legs together and smoothed her skirt down . I tried to pretend that I wasn 't noticing her terrific legs or her embarrassment , but I probably didn 't do very well . I 'm sure that Jackie knew what she was doing to me and I think she guessed how much I liked it . For a couple of hours , we worked together on the analysis of a company we wanted to add to our portfolio . Jackie was learning rapidly . She became fascinated by the way in which the company 's secrets could be exposed by a proper analysis of their financials . She had forgotten about her own exposure , but I hadn 't . As she squirmed excitedly in her chair , the skirt crept upward . It became difficult for me to concentrate on the computer screen . My thoughts were all about Jackie . I was imagining my hands creeping up her thighs , then my tongue and lips taking the same route . While I was dreaming of having her panties down around her ankles and my head buried between her legs , I realized that she was talking to me , about the analysis we were performing . She was an employee and I was married . I had to focus on the work . Trace tried not to give Jackie any reason to think his attention was anything but a boss / employee relationship and that of a professional mentor for the five years she worked for him . He was pleased that she looked up to him . Even though he was somewhat disappointed , and perhaps a bit jealous , he acted as if he was happy for her when she married Manny . Trace and his wife even attended the wedding . The cabin loudspeaker crackled again . It was the captain . " If you look below us you will see the Mississippi river and those of you on the left side of the cabin should be able to see Memphis . We 're right on schedule and should have you at the gate at 4 : 46 PM , as scheduled . " Trace 's watch was still on Las Vegas time . He moved it forward three hours so the arrival time wouldn 't seem so far away . The flight attendants came through the airplane , handing out sandwiches and chips . This was not going to be enough . He hoped that Manny and Jackie were planning on eating before they went to the cabin . As Trace 's plane crossed the Mississippi , Jackie was leaving home for the airport . She had a little more than a half hour 's drive and she didn 't want to be late . She hadn 't seen Trace now since that time in Orlando , about a year ago . She was excited at the prospect of spending several days in the mountains with Trace and her husband , Manny . Jackie had not been physically attracted to Trace when she first met him but she had become attracted to him when she worked with him . However , he was older , the boss and married . She recalled telling a close girl friend at work , before she met Manny , that Trace was her fantasy husband , just too old . Trace gave her every impression of being a great dad to his kids , a good husband and a wonderful provider . Four years ago Trace had gotten an attractive offer to take a job in Las Vegas with a company there . Trace thought it was the right thing , both for his career and for his family . He left New Jersey . He and Jackie remained friends through email and phone conversations . They grew a bit closer now that the boss / employee relationship had ended . First their conversations were just about business . Gradually , they became more at ease talking about the personal issues in their lives . After he had been gone about a year , Trace 's emails began sounding despondent . He alluded to problems in his marriage . Eventually , Trace admitted that his wife had left him and gone back to New Jersey . The move to Vegas had not worked out . Prior to the move , Trace 's wife had never minded his long hours and travel schedule as she had many friends and family in the area . In Vegas however , she grew lonely and distant from Trace . By the time he realized how unhappy she was , she had already decided to leave . Jackie became worried about Trace . She took more time with her emails to him and she called whenever she could . She sensed depression in him whenever they chatted . Then , a couple of years ago , Trace 's spirits improved . Unbeknown to Jackie , Trace had taken up a new hobby , writing erotic stories . He didn 't want Jackie to know about it , but eventually she wormed it out of him . Jackie wanted to read something that Trace had written . Trace sent her a somewhat censored version of one of his stories . It was about a couple that got involved in a threesome with another man . Trace could have never known , but the story had hit a home run with Jackie . Jackie and Manny had been wrestling with a few issues of their own . Ever since they had skinny dipped with three other couples on a camping trip , Manny had been telling Jackie of his fantasies . At first they were just about the nudity . Jackie found that part exciting . She had never been shy about her body and they started to go to nude beaches occasionally . She even teased a few friends , " accidentally " of course . When on vacation , she got nearly naked in front of a room service waiter . That was an experience she wasn 't going to forget soon . After Manny had gone into the bathroom , I got out of bed and put on a long filmy robe . I went to our twelfth story window and stared at the city . Manny came out of the bathroom , still wearing his pajama bottoms , and looked at me in front of the window . With the sunlight shining in the window , I might just as well have been wearing nothing at all . I was turned a little away from the window , enough so that Manny could see my silhouette through the thin fabric . Our lusty thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door . Manny 's eyes roamed over my body . He knew that I was proud of it and liked to show it off . I was practically naked and we didn 't know who was knocking on the door . Another knock came , a bit more impatient than the first . It was pretty exciting but Manny would make sure nothing happened . Manny opened the door . It was the room service waiter and he was pushing a roll around table with our breakfast beautifully arranged on it . The waiter was probably a college student working his way through school . He was tall and slim , had sandy brown hair and had enough stubble on his face and chin to give him a somewhat more mature look . He was the type who probably didn 't have much trouble getting a date . As he pushed the table into the room , he noticed me standing by the window . He tried to disguise his surprise but his mouth dropped open a bit . With the sunlight on me , I 'm sure I looked like I wasn 't wearing anything at all . I pushed my breasts out proudly and my hard nipples seemed like they were going to rip through the thin fabric . My stomach was flat as a board . Even though the gown was long , my legs were clearly visible and I expect that a little thatch of pubic hair was evident where they came together . The waiter didn 't want to appear to be staring at me . He tore his eyes away and looked at Manny , who , seemingly oblivious to my appearance , told the waiter to set the table up near the window . The waiter pushed the table across the room to where I was standing . If my nipples hadn 't been hard before , they were now , and I could feel the dampness between my legs . I stared at the front of the waiter 's pants . It was obvious that I was having a serious effect on him . I loved my husband dearly but I couldn 't help but think about sucking on that young stud 's cock . Manny tipped the waiter generously and told him that we would finish setting up the breakfast table . All three of us knew that this better not go on much longer . The waiter thanked us both and hastily left the room . Jackie pulled into the airport parking lot . The trip had been fast and she was going to have about an hour to wait . Even though she was early , she pulled into the short term parking . She didn 't want a long walk and once Trace got there , she wanted to get out of the airport as quickly as possible . She made the short walk into the terminal . Trace was digesting his lunch . He remembered that somehow Jackie had found out about his penchant for writing erotic stories . Trace recalled that the first one he had sent her was a somewhat sanitized version of what he had actually written . Eventually , at her insistence , he had sent her some of the more explicit stuff . He was surprised at her reaction . She had really seemed to like it . Moreover , she started to write stuff and send it to him for his comments . He had appraised her work critically , even said that he liked some it . However , he never told her how much he really liked it . He didn 't want her to know that he even sometimes masturbated while he was reading it . He didn 't want her to know how hot it made him and most importantly he didn 't want her to know about the visualizations of her that he had while he was reading it . Then there was the conference in Orlando a year ago . Each of them had gone to the conference , not knowing that the other was going to be there . When they saw each other during the first session , they were both a bit shaken . They had had a lot of intimate conversations , but only a few of them had even been on the phone , most were just emails . Now it was impossible to hide their mutual embarrassment . They were face to face . Although both of them would rather have gone their separate ways , they agreed to have dinner together that night . During dinner Trace couldn 't help but think about all he knew . It was weird as he had never been inside her , seen her naked or even had his lips on hers , yet he probably knew her better than her own husband . The dinner started awkwardly but by the end , three hours later , they had talked about all that they had discussed previously , only this time in person . Considering what they had been talking about for the last couple of hours , Trace felt like he should invite her to his room and he couldn 't think of anything he would rather do , unless it was go to her room . But there was something that just wasn 't right about it and he quickly abandoned the thought . After he returned home , Trace tried to get Jackie and Manny to Vegas for a weekend . He felt that with what he knew about their fantasies some fun could be had under the right circumstances . He held out no false hope of a threesome like in his stories but the idea of Jackie teasing him , flashing him and maybe even some small contact made him masturbate every time he thought about it . But he couldn 't get them to come . Then another opportunity presented itself . Trace was offered the use of a cabin in Pennsylvania that was owned by a couple he had known in New Jersey . He sent an email to Jackie , telling her of the offer he had received , and suggesting that she and Manny could join him for a few days up there . Jackie and Trace had been working together on a story and this would give them an opportunity to discuss it in person . This offer got accepted . Jackie and Manny agreed and the date was set . Now Trace was on the way . He dozed off dreaming of what might be in store . The fantasy that Jackie and Manny had shared expanded . By the time Jackie received the first story from Trace , the censored one , Jackie and Manny were role - playing swapping with couples and sharing with a single . However , Jackie wasn 't anywhere near the point of undertaking it in real life . It was all imaginary . She was comfortable with having sex with someone as she had been a bit wild in college and thought a little sexual adventure might be fun but she had a good marriage and loved her husband very much . She worried about his reactions after the event and how it might affect them . After Jackie read the first uncensored story from Trace , they began sharing sexual matters . They started with emails about fantasies and story ideas for Trace , but as time passed they started to talk about personal sex lives . Trace told her about his life with his ex wife and Jackie discussed her past lovers and her husband . Then she started writing stories as well . Trace who had been her mentor in the business world had become something similar in her intimate life . Then the unexpected happened . She and Trace ended up at the same conference in Orlando . As they made plans for dinner , Jackie was very nervous . Being face - to - face with Trace after the last six months of emails and phone calls was scary . Trace knew everything about her . She would be emotionally naked . But dinner went okay . After a few minutes they were able to discuss those things in person that had previously been written only in emails . Jackie was disappointed that Trace hadn 't tried to extend the dinner into something else . She even considered briefly inviting him to her room . She wanted to be faithful to her husband , and later she would see that things had worked out for the best , but that night she had felt differently as she lay in her bed alone and slipped her hand down into her panties . Now that she knew she could discuss these things in person with Trace , Jackie really did want to take Trace up on his offer of Las Vegas . Manny 's job was the fly in the ointment . He could be away for a while but he had to be available . Las Vegas wasn 't available enough . A couple of hours away in Pennsylvania wasn 't nearly as bad . If an emergency came up , Manny could still get back quickly . They hopped on that idea . Jackie was also concerned about Manny 's feelings in the matter . He seemed comfortable with the idea , but Jackie didn 't want Manny to get the wrong idea about her intentions . She didn 't want him thinking that this was his fantasy threesome . She also worried that Manny might think that she and Trace had a past , were she to suggest they do some of their fantasies with him . As far as Jackie was concerned , this was just a weekend away with possibly a little bit of sexual teasing . Trace slowly opened his eyes and saw the bright light coming from the bathroom . Then , slowly moving into the doorway was Jackie 's naked body . It was fuzzy however as he tried to focus on her . He of course knew all about Jackie 's teasing but couldn 't believe she was showing him her naked body . He then felt Manny shake him and say , " Stop looking at my wife , Trace . " The shaking awoke Trace to the sound of a flight attendant telling him that they were landing and he had to put his seat in the upright position . As the plane landed at Newark , Trace couldn 't help but salivate over his dream and wonder what the next few days were going to be like . As Trace walked out of the security area he saw Jackie waiting . " Too bad it wasn 't summer , " he thought , as Jackie stood there in a pair of tight hip hugger jeans and a sweater that covered her waist . He couldn 't help but think that at 32 she looked better than she had when he hired her . A few years had passed and Jackie , despite still being active in the gym , had gained 10 pounds or so . Those pounds , however , made her little girl gymnast body look much more like a woman 's . Her hair too had changed . It was much longer . The pixie cut was gone . She greeted him with a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek as they walked to get his bags . While they chatted about general stuff Trace asked how long they would be able to stay at the cabin . It had been left open and might have been anything from an overnight visit to a week long stay . Trace was glad to hear that Manny would have most of the week off while Jackie was between projects and could take as much time as she wanted as long as she stayed in contact with her office via phone and laptop . After getting Trace 's luggage they drove to Scotch Plains . When they arrived they found that Manny had been able to leave work early and was already at home . Trace insisted on a quick tour of the house . It was fascinating to finally see the rooms that had been described to him in emails and he wasn 't the slightest bit surprised to find how neat she kept the house . After eating some sandwiches that Manny had fixed , they packed into Manny 's truck . Jackie took the back and fell asleep after a short while . This afforded Trace and Manny some get - acquainted time . They talked about sports and work as they drove into the mountains of Pennsylvania . Trace wanted Manny to get comfortable with him . He certainly wasn 't going to bring up any of the fantasies that he and Jackie had discussed on the Internet . He knew that Jackie had been very open with him and had perhaps even told him about some things that Manny wasn 't aware of . The conversation was fruitful and the two men who had only met at the wedding , became good friends . When they arrived at the cabin , everyone was surprised to find that it was a studio . It was still pretty large . It had an island kitchen , large living area with a great big fireplace and a sleeping area in the back . In spite of being generally open , the cabin did have an enclosed bathroom with a shower . It was obviously intended for a couple as it had a big restored claw leg tub , visible to the entire house , situated near the bed and against a large window that overlooked the mountains . The tub normally would have been a wonderful place to soak while looking at the magnificent view of the mountains behind the cabin . Trace knew the couple who owned the place but he had not been here before and had no idea that it was just one big room . He was a bit embarrassed . He didn 't want Jackie and Manny to get the wrong idea . Fortunately , Jackie and Manny both made light of it . They described to Trace what it was like to stay at a family beach house during the summer . It was not really much different . They would have no problem sharing the large space . Trace offered them the bed and pointed out the couches where he would sleep . Manny and Jackie tried to get Trace to take the bed since they were really his guests , but he insisted they have it . After unpacking they went in to town to get a few supplies . After shopping they visited a local pub . They stayed much longer than they planned , eating , drinking and enjoying each other 's company . Jackie wanted to dance . There wasn 't a band but there was a juke box . She put some money in it and selected a few songs . There weren 't many people in the place and they were the only ones on the dance floor . Still , it was fun . Jackie had started out dancing with Manny but after a few songs Manny insisted that Jackie dance with Trace so he wouldn 't feel left out . Besides , Manny enjoyed watching Jackie dance with other men and Jackie knew that . Some of the songs that Jackie had selected were of the slow and sensuous type . If Trace was dancing with Jackie when one of those came on , he made sure to keep a proper distance . He didn 't want either of them to be offended by anything he did and he had wrongly interpreted Manny 's watchful eyes . As Trace was doing his best imitation of an Arthur Murray dance instructor during one of the slow numbers , Jackie said to him , " I appreciate what you 're trying to do but its not necessary . Neither Manny nor I are going to be the slightest bit upset if you want to dance a little more suggestively with me . In fact I 'm probably going to get insulted if you don 't and I 'm sure that Manny will be very disappointed . " Trace didn 't have to be told twice . He pressed in closer to Jackie and wrapped his arms around her . She put her arms around his neck . Trace had often dreamed of holding Jackie like this . Now he was actually doing it and it was giving him an erection . Jackie could feel his growing manhood . She teased him by pressing their waists together even tighter and rubbing her hip between his legs . Both of them looked over at Manny . Jackie had been right . Manny was enjoying their dancing as much as they were . When they sat down at the table , Manny mentioned that he had read a draft of their latest story . He said he recalled that it had a pretty sexy dance scene in it . " You know , " he said , " that story should be made into a movie and you two would be perfect as the feature couple in the story . " Jackie and Trace looked blankly at each other , then at Manny . Manny continued , " I think that you two should act that scene out while I film it . Then you could see how perfect you are for the parts . " Jackie and Trace were both stunned by Manny 's suggestion . They were also sure that it was just drunk talk and would never happen . Winking at Trace as she did so , Jackie quickly said , " I think thats a terrific idea . Maybe sometime we 'll get a chance to do it . " Trace understood the wink . She figured that Manny would have forgotten all about it by morning . Trace was playing with the fire as Jackie opened the door from the bathroom and came out in her pajamas . The harsh light from the bathroom made her attire nearly transparent . He caught his breath . The bright light left little to the imagination . Trace however knew about Jackie and her teasing as she had often told him in their Internet conversations how much she enjoyed it . He was sure it was no accident that she had left the bathroom light on . Her pajama pants were a light green and should have been fairly acceptable to wear in front of a close friend and house guest as long as she was careful not to walk in front of a bright light . Her top was a camisole with no bra . With her firm breasts , Jackie wore this well . Again , the light made it obvious how little she was wearing . And it was not just the light from the bathroom , a cool draft or a little too much wine and her nipples would become erect and quite visible through the light fabric . Trace had an instant hard - on . Trace had discovered that the two couches each opened into a double bed . He opened one of them to make himself a bed . Jackie volunteered to help him make it up and went to the back of the cabin to get some bedding . While the two of them were making up the bed , Manny grabbed his sleepwear out of his suitcase and went into the bathroom to change . As they were making the bed , Jackie sensed another opportunity for a little teasing . When she would bend away from Trace , she would give him a nice view of her thin pajama bottoms stretched across her panties . Or , if she bent over toward Trace , the loose camisole top dropped away and nearly exposed her breasts . She looked up occasionally from her suggestive poses and confirmed that Trace was still the man she used to work with . He was trying to get a peek at every opportunity and Jackie enjoyed the attention . Trace could feel the stirring in his pants . Manny came out of the bathroom in his pajamas . He and Jackie headed for the bed , turning out the lights at the back of the cabin as they did . Trace usually slept in the nude and hadn 't thought about bringing anything to sleep in . However , considering the lack of privacy he decided that he should get into bed wearing his boxers . He turned off the last light and removed his outer clothes . He put them on a nearby chair and climbed into bed . Once under the covers he slid his boxers off and dropped them on the floor beside the bed . He went to sleep , thinking about how sexy Jackie had looked as she was making his bed . Sometime in the middle of night Jackie woke up . She had had too many drinks . She needed to go to the bathroom . When she had gotten into bed she had slipped off her pajama bottoms so that she was wearing only her panties and camisole . She considered putting the pajama bottoms on again , but in her sleepy haze , that seemed like a lot of trouble . Although the cabin was fairly light from the reflections of the moon off the snow , it looked like everyone else was asleep . " Besides , " thought Jackie , " it would be kinda neat if Trace did see me in my panties . " Jackie got out of bed and walked past Trace . As she did she thought , " Maybe he 'll hear me and wake up . " But no luck . She closed the bathroom door behind her . While in the bathroom , she thought about how Trace had been looking at her when she was helping him make his bed . Showing off for someone other than her husband had been exciting , even if she had been pretty careful about it . She had gotten damp while she was doing it and noticed that her sex - kitten poses were having an effect on Trace as well . She had seen the bulge forming in his pants . It was nice to know that he still found her attractive . She left the bathroom without immediately turning off the light . She hoped that Trace had awakened while she was in there . He had . She took a couple of steps from the door as once again Trace studied her exquisite form silhouetted by the bathroom light . This time though , the pajama bottoms really were gone . Jackie turned back and switched off the light . As she walked past Trace , she saw that he was awake . His eyes were open and he was watching her . Jackie sat down on the side of Trace 's couch bed with one leg hanging off the side and the other tucked under her . Trace really liked having her so close to him on the bed , especially with the way she was dressed . In spite of the dim light he had trouble tearing his gaze away from the dark spot between her legs that was covered only by thin panties . He lay on his side facing her and they talked . They talked about what to do tomorrow . They talked about the story they had been writing . They talked about a lot of things that they didn 't really need to talk about . Trace caught the smile . He took advantage of her seeming acceptance and ventured into the never - never land of sexual banter . He said , " I like the look of your panties . Are they cotton ? I can 't tell in the dark . " Jackie was happy that he seemed to have finally acknowledged what was going on between them . She looked down at her high cut bikini panties and said , " Yes . You can feel of them if you want , but be careful where you touch . " Jackie smiled and gave a little giggle . She whispered , " You just wanted a cheap feel . " She hesitated a moment , then continued with a seductive grin on her face , " I stepped on your boxers when I walked up . Bet you 're not wearing anything . " Jackie licked her lips suggestively , got up on her knees and leaned over to Trace who was frozen , not knowing what she was about to do . She gave him a quick kiss on the mouth , ran her fingertips lightly over the sheet that was covering Trace , from the middle of his right thigh , up and over his growing erection , then coyly said , " Goodnight . " Leaving Trace with his mouth hanging open , she got up and returned to her own bed . Trace 's mind filled with all kinds of thoughts , the kind he needed to get rid of if he was ever going to fall asleep . He thought , " Holy shit . She was right beside me in just her panties and camisole . She encouraged me touch her panties . She felt my hard - on , even if it was through the sheet . She kissed me . This trip is getting better all the time . " Jackie slipped back into bed with her husband and was now wide awake . In the last few years she had shared all kinds of sexual talk and banter with Trace but it had never been in person . She was excited at the feel of his erection under the sheets but was surprised that she had touched it .

Hi everyone ! ! ! The next four chapters are up , as Monica receives shocking news , Cheryl and Chris take their relationship further , and Riana and Shawn admit their feelings for each other . Seven As everyone was going on with their lives , no one noticed that the beginning of the semester was now at the middle , and midterms were approaching . Riana was in her room typing a term paper on her computer , when Cheryl walked in and headed towards their closet . " Where are you going ? Shouldn 't you be studying for midterms ? " " Yeah ; he couldn 't take it anymore with his roommate , so he called the RA and moved him to a private room . " " Cool , but how did he swing that ? We 're in the middle of the semester . " " I guess he has connections ; how this look ? " Cheryl asked . She pulled out a Carolina blue sleeveless dress . " Don 't you think it 's a little cold to wear that ? " " No . " " Whatever . " Riana said . She started to type away on her paper . " I 'll be back by 11 . " " Fine , " Riana said while looking at the computer screen . Cheryl goes over to her dresser . She started to talk while going through the drawers . " I know I 'm going to sound crazy , but I 'm concern about Monica . " Riana stopped typing and turned around to face Cheryl . " I know . " " She hasn 't been herself lately . In fact , she hasn 't insulted me in three days . " " She has been kind of passive lately . I was thinking it was because of midterms , but Mon 's not the type to worry about things . " " You think something is going on with her ? " " If there is , she could talk to us about it ; we are her friends . " " Whatever it is , I think she wants to deal with it on her own . " Cheryl said . She gave Riana a smirk and goes to the bathroom to change . Riana saved her paper and walked out of her room . While Riana and Cheryl were talking , Monica was in the bathroom looking anxiously at the plastic tube staring in front of her . She didn 't want to look at the slip but she had to . Time should be up . I have to find out sooner or later . She looked at the tube with a determined look . She stared at the two blue lines and almost fainted . The tube slipped out of her hand and fell on the floor with a loud thud . Monica fell on her knees on the bathroom tile crying hysterically . Cheryl was on the other end of the bathroom door waiting for Monica to open up . After waiting for two minutes , she was wondering if she was okay . " Monica ! Monica , are you okay ? You 've been in there for a while . " Monica was still on the floor crying harder than before . Riana walked over to the door and stood beside Cheryl . " She still hasn 't come out ? She has been in there for almost an hour . " " Something is seriously wrong . You know how I feel about Mon , but even she is scaring me right now . " Riana started to pound on the door with her fist . " Open up Mon ! We need to talk to you . " There was no answer . " Come on Monica ! We 're concern . " Cheryl said . " Stand back . " Riana said to Cheryl . Cheryl went towards the wall while Riana stepped back a few feet from the door . She ran to it with force , causing the door to come open . Riana and Cheryl walk in and noticed Monica on the floor with her head on the toilet . She was sitting there with a spacious look on her face . " Mon , are you okay ? " Riana asked . Riana walked over to Monica and tried to sit by her in the small bathroom . Cheryl went over to the bathtub and sat on the edge . Monica looked away from the two and stared at the wall . " Monica , we noticed how you been acting lately and we 're worried about you . I know things " I 'm pregnant ! " Monica yelled . Riana looked at Monica and shook her head . Cheryl sighed and put a hand on Monica 's shoulder . " We 're here for you ¸ Mon . " Cheryl said . Riana looked at Cheryl and smiled . " I can 't believe this is happening ! I was trying to be so careful and now I have a baby growing inside of me . How can I raise a child ? I 'm a college student working at Sack and Save ! I barely have money to pay rent let alone raise a child . " " You 're not alone . Cheryl is right ; we 're here for you with anything you need . " " Thanks guys , but this is my concern . I 'm not saying that having a child is a problem ; I would love to have kids , but this is not the time for it . " " Do you know who the father is ? " Cheryl asked . " That 's inappropriate Cheryl . " " It 's okay . I 've been sleeping with Donnell , but we 've been using condoms the whole time . So the only person is Malcolm . We didn 't use protection that night . " " Damn Mon ! You have to Donnell . " Riana said . " Have you even told him about Malcolm ? " Cheryl asked . " No , he doesn 't know . " " After two months ! Mon , how could you keep this a secret since August ? " Riana asked . " I don 't know . I haven 't been having symptoms until now . I 've been having regular periods . " " First , you have to tell Donnell everything . Since you 're just realizing you 're pregnant , it could be a possibility that it could be his . " Riana said . " And what if it 's not ? This could destroy everything that I have with him . If this baby is Malcolm 's I don 't know how things will be . " Riana put her arms around Monica and gave her a hug . Cheryl looked at the two and sighed . Britney was back living under her parents ' roof . After much begging and pleading , she was able to get her old room back . She didn 't tell them the real reason why she moved back home . She just said that they lost their apartment due to late payments . After what happened between her and Isaac , she completely cut all ties with him . He continued to call her various times throughout the day that she had to change her . Good thing he doesn 't know where my parents stayed . She felt so bad because she didn 't know what an asshole he was . She wrecked her friendship with her best friends over him . How dumb could I be ? She was sitting at her desk looking at her computer screen in a daze . She had a midterm paper due the next day , but her mind wasn 't on it . As she started to type on the French Revolution , her phone began to ring . She picked it up and hit the talk button . " Hello . " " Hey Britney , it 's Riana . " All the color drained from Britney 's face . She haven 't heard from Riana since the day she kicked her out of the apartment . She seen her and Cheryl on campus , but they just gave her smug looks and walked past her . Monica was the only one who would say hi to her . She sat down on her bed with a surprised look . " Hey Riana . How are you ? " " She 's okay physically . Mentally , she 's a wreck . She 's distraught because she doesn 't know who the father is . She has her mind set on Malcolm because they had unprotected sex , but it could be a possibility that it 's Donnell 's . " " Can I talk to her ? " " She finally went to sleep , so she can 't talk , but I was calling because maybe you could come by . I think it would really cheer her up if she saw you . " " Sure , I 'll come by . " " Okay . I 'll make sure not to be here when you do . " " You don 't have to avoid me . It 's your apartment . " " I 'll probably be working on my journalism project , so you could come by . I better go . " " Okay . Thanks for calling . " " No problem . I figured we were friends at one point . I thought you needed to know what was going on . " " Riana , I want to apologize about Isaac . I 'm sorry that we 're not friends anymore due to my involvement with him . Now I know that he 's wasn 't worth losing my friends over . " " Don 't you think it 's a little too late for that ? Bye Britney . " Before Britney could say anything else , the phone went dead . Britney sighed and put the phone on her bed . She lay down and looked up at the ceiling . " If you only knew , Ri . I 'm so sorry . " Cheryl was now at Chris ' dorm room studying for their literature midterm . She was looking at her book unable to concentrate . How can I ? she thought . She looked over at Chris who was sitting on the bed busily looking through his notes . It took all of her strength not to go over to him and throw him down on the bed and kiss him . Chris put his book beside him and stood up . He started to stretch , showing off his muscled arms and six - pack abs . " I 'm taking a break . You want anything ? Soda , water . " " Water 's fine . " Cheryl said , walking over to the bed . Chris went over to his mini fridge and got two bottled waters from it . He walked back to the bed and handed Cheryl one . " Thanks . " " How 's everything going at the apartment ? " Cheryl laughed and took a sip of water . " Things are about the same . Everyday it 's always some drama . I feel like I 'm living in a soap opera . " " What 's going on now ? " " Where should I start ? Monica found out she 's pregnant . " " Damn . " " And that 's not all . She doesn 't even know who the father is . She thinks it 's this guy she had an one - night stand with , but it could be a possibility that it 's Donnell 's . So she 's a wreck right now . " " That 's messed up . " " I know . I know I had my share of problems with her , but I know she 's scare right now . Just the idea that she 's young and have enough to deal with and now she have this person growing inside of her . She doesn 't know what to do or who to go to . I can 't imagine what she 's feeling right now . That 's why I told her that I would be there for her if she needs someone to talk to . " " That 's great . You are putting your feelings to the side to help her . " " I know . " " Have you talked to Britney ? " " That bitch can stay gone . I 've seen her around campus . I even heard that she broke things off with Isaac . " " At least she came to her senses . " " It 's a little too late for that isn 't it ? " " I think so . I hope I do well since this will determine our final grade . I can 't believe after all those assignments we done that only the midterm and final exams will count as our grades . " Cheryl said . " I know . " Chris said . Cheryl didn 't want to talk about literature or about her roommates anymore . She wanted to get to know Chris . " Let 's talk about something else . I 've known you for a few months , but I still don 't really know you . " Chris smiled . " Okay , I can tell you a little about myself . As you know , I 'm 20 and was born in Dallas , but moved to Houston when I was 10 . I have one sister who 's a senior in high school . Resse and I were inseparable growing up . We did everything together . We got into a lot of trouble too . When I met Shawn , he was later included in our clique and we got into even more trouble . We had a lot of fun growing up . I guess that 's why Shawn and I are so close . He 's like the brother I always wanted . " Cheryl looked straight into Chris ' eyes . " Well I grew up here in Houston , and I have an older brother and sister , making me the youngest . Out of the three , my parents always stood me out from the others . It 's not like they loved me more and them less , but they always treated me differently . They considered me to be their rising star . I 'd always done things through my parents ' eyes . I tried to make them happy by doing the things they wanted me to do , but it just wasn 't enough . And when I wanted to do something that made me happy , my parents would always shoot it down , saying it wasn 't for me . Take my major for instance ; my dream was not to be a psychologist . In fact , I hate psychology , but it was what my parents wanted me to do . My dream was to become a doctor . I remember when I was younger I used to put on this white robe and pretend that it was a lab coat and make my stuffed animals be my patients . I used to love playing " doctor " on my friends . " I remember when I was graduating from high school and I told my parents what I wanted to major in . You know what they told me ? They said that ' it 's not for me and that it 's not their dream for me . ' You know how much that hurt me to hear that from my parents ? They are supposed to be the people that support you on everything . I guess I was wrong on that one . " " No , you 're not . Parents are supposed to be there for you , no matter what ; but your parents are making decisions they feel are best for them . You can always change your major from psychology to pre - med . " " I know , but I can 't . " " Why not ? " " That 's not true . " " Don 't you think I know that ? I know I should stand up for what I think is right , but I can 't . They 're my parent and I love them . I don 't want to hurt them . " " I understand that , but when are you going to stop making them live your life ? Cheryl , you 're 20 years old . You have to start living your life for you and not for your parents . " Cheryl looked at Chris and tears started to flow down her caramel cheeks . What Chris said was true and she waited for years to let everything that was built up in her to finally come out . " Cheryl , I know you love your parents , but you have to talk to them and tell them how you feel . You can 't keep this bottled up . " " I know . Before I came to Shaw , I had my heart set on joining a sorority . I told my mom about it and she said I shouldn 't waste my time on a sorority . She made me so angry that day because I felt I didn 't have a mind of my own . It hurt me so bad to know that my mom did not care about what I wanted to do or how I felt . " Chris ' heart went out to Cheryl as she was pouring her feelings out to him . He wished he could take her pain away by telling her everything will be okay , but he know it 's not . He put his around Cheryl and she put her head on his chest . She felt good that she told Chris what she kept inside of her for years . She was glad he was there for her . " I do feel better . " Cheryl said . " I kept my feelings in about my parents for so long . I haven 't even told Ri about them . " " Really ? Why not ? " Cheryl smiled as she touched Chris ' chest . " Because I feel safe with you . " Chris looked at her and put his hand on her heart . He noticed how fast her heart was beating . She was just as nervous as he was . Ever since he met Cheryl in their literature class , he quickly became intrigued in her . From the time they have spent together , he started to develop feelings for her that he never felt for anyone . He didn 't know whether to tell her how he felt , but he couldn 't control his feelings anymore . " What 's wrong ? " Cheryl asked . " Cheryl , I can 't deny what 's going on between us anymore . I really like you and I want things between us to go further . " She looked at Chris with a surprised look . " I believe you 're beautiful inside and out and I really think you like me too . " " Because it 's true . Ever since I seen you in class I wanted to be with you . I didn 't know you felt the same way . " The two looked at each other , no longer resisting their desire . They gave into the feelings they had built up in them for two months . Cheryl lay down on the bed as Chris stared at her . He moved his hand down the side of her body as Cheryl touched his cheek . She shivered with delight from his touch . She pulled Chris towards her and kissed him . She lifted up his shirt , taking it off in one swift move . Chris sighed as he got up from the bed . " We can 't do this . Not right now . " " What are you talking about ? I 'm wet just thinking about you inside of me . We both want this , so what is the problem ? " " It 's not that . I just want things between us to be perfect . I don 't want us just have sex . I want to make love to you . " " But you will . " " You don 't understand . Usually when I 'm with a female , I don 't care what happens or who I hurt ; as long as I get mines . You are so special to me , that 's why I don 't want to hurt you . " Cheryl tilted Chris ' face to hers and looked straight into his brown eyes . " You could never hurt me . " she said softly . Chris opened his mouth to speak , but Cheryl wouldn 't let him . She put her lips to his and kissed him softly . The two lay down on the bed . Chris reached over to the lamp near his bed and turned it off . He was still able to see due to the light shining through from the outside . " I still want our first time to be special . So let me set something up and you can keep your pretty self right here . " he said . He kissed Cheryl on the lips again and went to get some candles . While he was doing that , Cheryl decided to make herself comfortable . She slipped out of her sleeveless dress and put it on the floor . She took off her bra and panties and laid them on the floor as well . She lay across the bed completely naked in the moonlight . Chris walked back over to Cheryl and stood in front of her in amazement . He couldn 't believe the beautiful sight in front of him was the woman he was falling for . " Am I dreaming ? " " No , you 're not . " " I have to do one more thing . " he said . He went over to his stereo and put a CD in . He walked over to Cheryl , laying back on the bed as he pulled her closer to him . " I need to ask you something ? " " I don 't know . You just look so innocent . " he said while stroking her hair . " I may be goody - two - shoes , but I do have a freaky side . " Just the thought of Cheryl saying those words made Chris hard . " You 're so beautiful . " He said , kissing her neck . Cheryl closed her eyes as Chris slid down to her chest . He took her breast into his mouth . Cheryl moan as he moved his tongue around the nipple . He smiled as he moved his tongue to her other breast . He went to her stomach , kissing her navel . He looked up at Cheryl with a sexy grin . He moved his tongue between her legs , causing Cheryl to moan excitedly . While Chris was doing the job right , Cheryl didn 't want to scream since she knew people would hear her . Instead , she bit her lip . As he was putting his tongue in place Cheryl couldn 't imagine , her entire body was suffering from convulsions . She couldn 't help the loud moan that was coming from her lips , letting Chris know she was about to come . He pulled away from Cheryl , going towards her face . " I want you . Now . " Cheryl said . Chris kissed Cheryl 's cheek and went into his nightstand drawer to pull out a condom . He slipped it on and gave Cheryl a kiss that melted her insides . He slid himself inside of Cheryl with a moan that sounded good to his ears . Cheryl sighed when she felt Chris inside of her . She glanced at him with a look of desire in her eyes . As Chris began to move inside of Cheryl , all the feelings he had for her were showing with each thrust . Cheryl clawed Chris ' back , moaning softly from his movements . As their feelings for each other intensified , they felt emotions they never experienced with other people . Not caring if anyone was listening , Cheryl let out a piercing scream as she held on to Chris . As soon as Cheryl came , so did Chris , as he stared at her . The two kissed each other passionately as he pulled Cheryl close to his chest . The two snuggled against each other as they fell into a deep sleep . The next morning , and Riana was getting ready for her class . She looked over at Cheryl 's bed and realized she didn 't come home last night . I guess she spent the night at Chris . ' She went to the bathroom and began combing her hair when Monica walked in . Riana looked at her and smiled . " How are you feeling ? " Riana asked . " Like crap . This morning sickness is horrible . " " Eat some crackers ; it should help . " Before Monica could say anything else , she went to the toilet and began to vomit . Riana looked at Monica throwing up and left the bathroom . As she walked into the kitchen , she heard key jingling and the door opening . Cheryl walked in , closing the door slowly . She was hoping no one was up or have already left . She looked up and saw Riana in the kitchen . She immediately cursed to herself , immediately heading towards her room . " Good morning Cheryl . " Cheryl turned around and gave Riana a bright smile . " Isn 't it , Ri ? I thought you would have left by now . " " I will . So I see you stayed at Chris ' last night . " " Yeah . We didn 't finish studying until late so I just spent the night there . " " Did you sleep with him ? " " And what if I did ? Ri , I never felt this way about a guy before . Chris is one of the nicest , sweetest guys out there and I 'm so grateful that he 's in my life . " " That 's great , but you barely know him . How are you going to sleep with him if you haven 't given a chance to know him ? " " I know that look , Ri . You think I 'm going to get hurt . I 'm not , so you don 't have to worry . " " I know how you are with guys . If one thing happens and mess this up between you and Chris , it 's going to destroy you . " Cheryl put her hands into Riana 's and smiled . " Ri , I appreciate that you 're concern about me , but I 'm a grown woman and I can take care of myself . If things between Chris and I don 't work out then it 's my problem and I would have to handle it , okay . " " I guess so . " " Thanks , cuz . Now what about you and that fine friend of Chris ' . What 's his name again ? Oh yeah , Mr . Walker I believe . " Just hearing Shawn 's name made Riana blush . While working on their project together , Riana started to develop feelings for her partner . She wanted things to go further between her and Shawn , but she 's afraid she 'll get hurt again . " What 's going on between you two ? I know you 've been working long hours on your journalism project . " " Yeah , we 're almost finished . " " I 'm not talking about the project , girl . I 'm talking about what 's going on between you two ? " " Nothing . We 're just friends . " " Come on ; I 've seen the way you look when someone mention his name . Even now you 're blushing . " " I know . I do like Shawn , but I can 't go through another relationship . I can 't go through the pain I 'd suffered with Isaac . " " Shawn wouldn 't hurt you like that jackass did . Isaac is a piece of shit that didn 't deserve you . Shawn is nothing like that . I 'd seen how concerned he was when you were in the hospital . Anyone could tell that he really care about you . " Riana sighed and sat down on the couch . She put her head in her hands and shook her head to clear her mind . She knew what Cheryl was saying was true . He has been sending her signals , but she tried to ignore them . She knew that Shawn wanted her . Just like I want him . But I can 't let him in my heart . Not right now . " I know he does , but right now , I don 't think I can get into another relationship . " " I understand about what happened between you and Isaac . I know he hurt you , but when are you going to forget about him ? You need to move on Ri . That 's the only way you are ever going to be happy . Now that I said my piece , I have to get ready for my midterm . " " Okay . I 'll see you later . " Riana said . Cheryl smiled and went into their room . Instead of having a midterm in their journalism class , Professor Williams wanted her students to work on their projects , so Riana and Shawn spent the entire morning interviewing students over their topic and getting their piece together for their story . After working nonstop , the two decided to take a break . They were now at the student lounge drinking slushes and talking about their other classes . " How you think you did in your other classes ? " Riana asked . " I think I did pretty well . I mainly had to write papers through . " " Me too ; it was cool of Professor Williams to let us work on our projects instead of having class . " " Yeah ; I think out of all my instructors , she is the best . " Riana smiled as she sipped some more of the thick drink . " I can 't believe we 're drinking slushes when it 's forty degrees outside . " Shawn said . " I know , but they are so good . " Riana said smiling . " You heard Chris and Cheryl are officially a couple ? " Shawn asked . " Yeah ; I think it 's great . Chris is a nice guy and Cheryl needs someone like him in her life . " " Chris is my boy , so I 'm happy for him . He 's like my younger brother . " " Speaking of brothers , you never told me about him . Why I never see him when I come over ? " " He 's been pretty busy with work lately . I hardly ever see him anymore . I 'll introduce you to him one day . " Riana smiled . " What are you doing for the rest of the day ? " Shawn asked . " Nothing . Journalism is the only class I have today . " " You want to go back to my place so we could get this story to editing ? " When Shawn and Riana arrived at his apartment , they immediately went to work . They put together everything they got from the students they interviewed from the past couple of days and this morning . While Riana was sitting on Shawn 's couch writing her dialogue for the story , Shawn was sitting in an armchair nearby looking at Riana work . He loved watching her work . She looked serious as she looked at the piece she just written . She didn 't like what was printed , so she balled it up in her hands and threw it on the floor . Damn , she 's sexy . " Why are you staring at me ? " Riana asked . " Yes , you were . I can tell when someone is staring at me . " " If you can tell someone is staring at you , then you should have noticed me watching you for a while now . " Riana looked at Shawn and smiled . " I knew you were , I was just waiting on when you were going to say something . " Shawn smiled and goes over to the couch . He sat beside Riana and grabbed the notebook she has in her hand and placed it on the coffee table . " What are you doing ? " " We 've been working since we got here . I think we need to take a break . " Riana sighed as she lean back on the couch . " I guess you 're right . " Riana suddenly started to become tense in her back . Shawn noticed her shrugging her shoulders . " Mind if I give you a massage ? " Riana smiled . " Not at all . " Riana faced the TV while Shawn began rubbing Riana 's shoulders . He lowered his hands down her back , gently applying pressure in areas that were tense . The feeling Riana was experiencing was sensational and she didn 't want it to end . Shawn glanced over at Riana and noticed her eyes were closed . He knew she was enjoying it so he was doing a good job . " Are you enjoying it ? " " Yes . How did you learn to do massages so good ? " Riana asked in a satisfied tone . " No one really taught me . I just know a female body and how to satisfy it . " Riana opened her eyes and turned to face Shawn . " Oh , really . " " Yeah . " Riana sighed . After having his hands on her made her think what else Shawn can do . " What are you thinking right now ? " Shawn whispered . Shawn stared at Riana as he put his hand on her chin . He lift her face to his and stared into her eyes . " What are you waiting for ? " Riana asked in a seductive tone . Shawn smiled as he slowly moved his lips to Riana 's . Even through the two kissed before , this time it was something they both wanted . The two kissed each other slowly , savoring every moment . The two pulled apart and smiled at each other . " That was nice . " Riana said . " Yeah , it was . " " Shawn , there 's something I have to tell you . " " Ri , I have something to tell you too . " " Can I go first please ? " " Ever since I saw you at the club , I wanted to know more about you . It was something about you that made you different from other guys . You helped me through so much these past few months and I just want to say thank you . If you didn 't pull me from that bar , I could have been raped or even killed . All the times we spent working on this project helped me get through my breakup with Isaac and being around you helped me realize that there are still some great guys out there . " " You 're welcome . I was just helping a friend out . " " You consider us more than that now , do you ? " Riana stood up from the couch and went over to the window . She looked out at the crisp , beautiful day wondering what the hell she was doing . Shawn went over to Riana and wrapped his arms around her . " Do you feel that way about us ? Or you just think we 're friends ? " " That 's the thing . I don 't know what to think . We only known each other for two months , and I feel like I want to be with you , but I can 't . " " Why not ? " " I don 't want to be hurt again . I gave everything to Isaac and look what he given me in return . A broken heart . " " You think I 'm going to do the same ? " " I know you won 't . You 're a great guy , but my heart needs to know that I 'm not going to get suck into something that I can 't control . " Shawn turned Riana around to face him . He gave her a look that took Riana 's breath away . He looked so sincere and concern that she knew right then that he was the right deal . " Baby , you are so important to me . You may think I 'm bullshitting you , but I 'm not . I need to tell you something that may shock you a little , but I hope it doesn 't scare you . " " Riana , I had a crush on you since the first day I lay eyes on you last year on campus . I always wanted to talk to you , but at the time you were dating Isaac , so I didn 't want to stand in the way of that . I guess that 's why the night at the club when I saw you I wanted so bad to talk to you , but I could tell your heart was with Isaac . " Riana couldn 't believe what she was hearing . How she didn 't pick up on the fact that Shaw had a crush on her for so long ! " Wow , this is amazing . " Riana said . She went back to the couch and sat down slowly . " I didn 't mean to upset you , but I had to tell you . I wanted you to know how I feel . " " So at the club , was spilling your drink on me was on purpose , or just pure luck ? " " Pure luck . I didn 't know it was you at first until I started talking to you . Maybe it was a sign for us to be together . " " I don 't know what to say . " " You don 't have to say anything . I just want you to know that I want you in my life , and I will wait for you as long as you need me to . I 'm not going anywhere , baby , so you probably have to get used to me being around you . " Riana started to laugh , but she knew Shawn was serious . " I 'm sorry I 'm laughing . You 're pouring your heart out and I 'm sitting here laughing . " Shawn looked at Riana and gave her a kiss so beautiful it didn 't matter how silly Riana was acting . " What does this means ? " " It can mean whatever you want it to be . " " Okay , but we have to take things slow . We can 't just jump into things . " " That 's fine with me . " " And we can 't have sex . " Shawn looked at Riana as if she lost her mind . " Huh . " " We can 't have sex . Even though I want to ; believe me I do , but I made a vow to remain a virgin until I 'm ready . I guess that 's why Isaac went to Britney since I wouldn 't give him any . He hated the idea of me waiting to have sex . I hope that 's not a problem . If it is , then maybe I 'm not the girl for you . " Shawn wondered if he could go a long time without sex . He was one of those guys who got sex when he wanted , however he wanted . But as he look into Riana 's eyes and seen the look of innocence in her , he knew what he had to do . " I 'm willing to make that sacrifice with you . You are so precious and if that 's what you want , then that 's fine with me . " " You could be saying that now , but how I know you won 't get tired of me and find some girl who is willing to give you what you need ? I can 't compete with that . " " Ri , I said I will support your decision . I 'm not like other guys who cheat on their girlfriends and I certainly will not mess up anything I have with you for some piece of ass . I will like you no matter if you 're a virgin or not . You don 't have to worry about me leaving you . Besides , I think it 's wonderful that you 're saving yourself for the right person . Losing your virginity is something that needs to be cherished and shouldn 't be taken lightly . I 'm proud of you for sticking to your beliefs . " Riana smiled . " No one has ever said that to me before . Usually when I tell a guy I 'm a virgin , they don 't want anything to do with me . " " I 'm not like most guys . I think it 's great . " Riana kissed Shawn on the cheek . " You know , this conversation is turning me on . " Shawn smiled . " I 'm glad it does ; but remember , you 're saving yourself . " Riana laughed as she playfully hit Shawn on his shoulder . " Can I ask why you want to save yourself ? " " I guess it just something I believe in . I always thought it was best for the person I know I 'll be spending the rest of my life with . I always thought the man I love should be the one who appreciate my body and not someone who don 't give a damn about me . I look at Monica and Britney and even Cheryl and wonder is sex really everything ? I can imagine it feels good and you can get so much pleasure from it , but after it 's over , what else is left ? Most men my friends been involved with didn 't care about their feelings , they just wanted what they had and was through with them . I don 't want to go through that . I 'm not saying I 'm waiting until I 'm married , but I just want to know that the guy I 'm giving everything to will be with me for the long haul . " Shawn put his hands in Riana 's and smiled . " That 's why I would never hurt you . I will be by you no matter what . " Riana touched Shawn 's cheek . " So , since we 're not having sex , what else can we do when we 're alone ? " " I think we can find some other things to do to keep us occupied . " " What you have in mind ? " Shawn caressed Riana 's shoulders , which sends tingles throughout her body . " You 'll see . " He said as he put his lips to hers . The two begin to kiss as they lay down on the couch . Shawn lifted up Riana 's shirt as he planted kisses onto her stomach . He unzips her jeans as he moves his lips towards her navel . He slowly takes off her jeans and panties and spread her legs . He immediately began to move his tongue between her legs , making Riana lean her head back on the couch and breathe heavily . She was glad that Shawn understood where she was coming from . Most guys believed a girl shouldn 't stay a virgin while in their 20s , but Riana was determined to . But how the way Shawn was making her feel at that moment , she didn 't even know if she could believe that theory herself . Nine Monica was pacing back and forth in the living furiously biting her fingernails . She just talked to Donnell and he was on his way over . He noticed she been acting strange lately and wanted to know what was wrong . She told him to come over so they could talk . Now she was nervously wondering how she was going to tell Donnell she 's pregnant and the fact that he might not be the father . As she took deep breaths , she realized she felt more nauseated than earlier that morning . " Please God , help me get through this . " She prayed . As soon as she opened her eyes , the doorbell rang . Monica stopped dead in her tracks and tried to regain her composure . She went to the door , took another deep breath , and opened it . Donnell was on the doorstep looking finer than ever . He gave Monica a kiss on the cheek as he walk into the apartment . " Is everything okay ? You didn 't sound too good on the phone . " Monica closed the door and gives a tiny smile . " I 'm fine , baby . Did you want anything to drink ? " " Nah , I 'm good . " " Okay . " Monica said . She goes over to the couch and sits down besides Donnell . Her mind was telling her not to tell Donnell about her cheating on him , but she knew she had to . " What did you want to tell me ? " Monica took Donnell 's hands in hers and looks straight at him . The nauseated feeling she was having before was coming back in a major way and she thought she was going to throw up in Donnell 's lap . " Whatever I 'm going to tell you , you have to promise me you will not get upset . " Donnell looked at Monica with a confused look on his face . " What 's going on Mon ? " " I have two things to tell you . The first thing is that I 'm pregnant . " Donnell 's face suddenly became pale from the news he just received . He couldn 't believe what Monica just told him . " You 're pregnant ! But how ? We were careful every time . " " I know , but I am . I 'm two months actually . I went to the doctor today . " " Why didn 't you tell me sooner ? I could have gone to the doctor with you . " " I know , and I 'm sorry . I just thought I needed to do this on my own . " " Why ? You know I would have been there for you . " Monica got up from the couch and started to walk around the living room . She didn 't want to look at Donnell . Just the idea that she cheated on him was bad enough , but being pregnant by another man who didn 't care about her was even worse . " There 's more . Remember the night when we all went to the club and you had to work ? " He went over to Monica and turns her around to face him . " Please tell me you didn 't . " Monica turned away from Donnell with tears in her eyes . " I can 't lie to you . I can 't . " " You cheated on me ? With a complete stranger ! " Monica started to cry while Donnell went to a wall and put his fist through it . The noise startled Monica , causing her to jump . " I don 't know ! I can 't explain what happened that night . " " I knew you would fuck up again ! After all those times I 've took you back , you still let me down . And the things I have done for you ! How could you do this to me ? " " I 'm sorry Donnell . I didn 't mean to hurt you . " Donnell looked at Monica as if she was crazy . He couldn 't believe she would stand in front of him and tell him that . After all the late night working and going to school , he didn 't need the added stress of her doing whatever she wanted . And now she 's pregnant and don 't even know who the father is ! " This can 't be happening . " he said . He ran a hand through his bald head and gave Monica a look that scared her half to death . Monica never had seen Donnell look so angry before . Even the times when he found out she was cheating on him with some of his friends , he never looked at her like he wanted to kill her . " I 'm guessing you slept with him raw , huh ? If you 're going to creep on me , you should have had the decency to use a condom ! How the hell I know you haven 't given me a disease from all your whoring around ! " Monica never felt so low in her life . Not only did she hurt the one man that made her special , but now , she felt alone . Even Donnell wouldn 't stay with her . Not after what she done to him . " I wish I could say something to ease your pain , but I can 't . If I can take back what I 've done I would in a heartbeat , but I can 't . I have to live with the fact that this child I 'm carrying could be a result from a one - night stand that I met at a club ! This is not how I wanted my first child to be conceived from . I wanted it to be conceived with love , not from some night where I just wanted to get laid ! " " Oh , and that 's my problem ! I thought you said you would never cheat on me again . Being the fool I am , I believed you . I tried to make things work between us , but you were the one who kept messing it up . Sure , I 've done my dirt too , but not as much as you . " " I understand that , and I 'm willing to change if you let me . " " How many times have I heard that ? When are you going to learn Monica ? You 're 20 years old and you 're still playing childish games . Now you 're bringing a baby into this . I should have listened to myself and stayed the hell away from you when I had the chance , but I figured you 've changed . How dumb was I to know it wasn 't true . " " I 'm so sorry . " Monica said in between tears . " I don 't know why you 're crying ? You brought this on yourself . I don 't feel sorry for you . Who I feel sorry for is the child growing inside of you , because they don 't know what 's going on . If the baby is mines , I will take care of it because I 'm not some dead beat dad , but don 't expect me to be with you . I can 't be with you anymore , Monica . You hurt me too many times and since you dropped this on me , I definitely can 't be with you . " " Donnell , please don 't do this ! I need you more than ever now . I need you to be here for me and the baby ! " " I can 't . I will be there for the baby , if it 's mines , but I can 't be there for you . Why don 't you call the guy you fucked that night ? He 'll be glad to know he could be the daddy . " Donnell said . He went to the door and opened it . Britney was about to ring the doorbell when Donnell threw the door open . He walked past Britney and went towards the parking lot . " Hello to you too . " Britney said . She looked at Donnell leaving and wondered what was going on . When she went inside , she knew right away . Monica was on the floor crying her eyes out . " Oh , Mon . " Britney said . She ran over to Monica and sat beside her . She put her arms around her . " He left me ! " Monica said in a fit of tears . " I know . It 's okay Monica ; you have me and Ri . We 're here for you . " The two lay on the floor wondering how their lives became so complicated . Riana and Shawn were in Shawn 's bedroom cuddled up watching television . Riana felt as if she was in heaven . Being in Shawn 's arms felt so good she didn 't want to leave out of them . Shawn looked at Riana and kissed her on her cheek . He couldn 't believe his dream girl was in his bed snuggle up next to him . Even though they didn 't have sex , it felt good to be in each other 's arms cuddling together . " This feels so good . " Riana said . " I still can 't believe this is happening . " " Believe it . " Riana said as she kissed Shawn 's neck . " How did you like my performance earlier ? " Shawn asked . Riana smiled . Just thinking about Shawn 's tongue between her legs made her moist . " It was great . Hell , it was excellent . Besides , I thought you knew how I felt when I came . " " I know ; I just wanted you to say it . " Riana laughed and grabbed a pillow from under her head . She hit Shawn in the head with the pillow . Shawn laughed as he grabbed his pillow and the two started a pillow fight . Shawn snatched Riana 's pillow and the two fell on the other side of the bed . He lay on top of her as he pushes some hair from her eyes . He looked at her for a second , mesmerized by her beauty . He leaned into her and kissed her on her lips . Riana returned his kiss while moving her hand down his back . " You made me so happy today . " Shawn said . " I never thought I could find someone like you . Now I know that dreams really do come true . " Riana said . Shawn kissed her again and smiled . " Are you hungry ? I could order a pizza . " " You don 't want to leave either , do you ? " " Pepperoni with cheese , and maybe some Canadian bacon . " " Okay . " Shawn said . He kissed Riana again and goes towards the armchair for his cell phone . While Shawn was ordering the pizza , Riana 's cell phone started to ring . Riana went to her purse and tried to look for it through the sea of mess that was occupying the inside . While she was still looking for it , the tone of Kem was filling the room as Riana finally found her phone . She pressed the answer button . " Hello . " " I 'm at the apartment visiting Monica . You have to come home . I think Monica maybe in trouble regarding the baby " " What happened ? " " She told Donnell everything . He was really upset and stormed out . I found her curled up on the floor crying hysterically . All of a sudden she couldn 't breathe . I called her doctor and she told me that Monica cannot be under any stress at all . " " Why you didn 't take her to the hospital ? " " Her doctor told me would be fine if she calmed down . She told me Monica has a high risk pregnancy and that she can 't be under stress . If she is , she could go into premature labor . " Riana sighed and ran her hand through her wavy black hair . " What you want me to do Brit ? Is Mon okay now ? " " She 's fine now . She 's sleeping on the couch . " " Okay , I 'll be home soon . Thanks for being there for her . " " She 's still my friend , Riana ; just like you are . " " I 'll talk to you later . " Riana said . She hung up the phone and put it on Shawn 's nightstand . Shawn stared at Riana and put an arm around her . " Is Monica okay ? " " She is now . She had some problems earlier regarding the baby . Brit said that Monica has a high risk pregnancy and if she 's under any stress , she could possibly miscarry . " " Wow . Whatever you all do , you have to be there for Monica . More likely , Donnell knows what happened , otherwise she wouldn 't be under stress . As her friends , no matter what is going on , you have to put your feelings aside to help Monica . " " What does that supposed to mean ? " " I meant with you and Britney . I know you haven 't squash what happened . I know what Britney did was wrong and she should have gotten her ass kicked for it , but from what I know you two have known each other since you were little . You 're going to let some guy come between you and what you mean to each other ? " " Britney messed up when she slept with Isaac . " " I understand that , but why do you care now ? You 're with me , so what difference does it make what Britney done ? " " I would have never thought Britney would do this to me . We 're supposed to be friends . Friends don 't do that to each other . " " I know , but you have to let things go in order to move on . I 'm not saying you should become friends again , because that 's not my place to say whether you should or not , but at least forgive her for what she done . Maybe she didn 't realize what she was doing or she did , but just got caught up in it . " Riana looked at Shawn and started to scream . " This is so frustrating ! Honestly , I want to patch things up with Britney , but I can 't get pass the fact what she done . I can 't trust her anymore and it kills me to say that because she 's been my best friend for years . It hurts because we should all be here in that apartment helping Monica out the best way we can . I miss her and I want her back in my life , but I can 't risk letting her back in . " " I completely understand , but look at us . Before today , you were scare to get into another relationship because you thought you might get hurt again , but you took a chance with me . Why can 't you do the same for someone you known your entire life ? " " It 's not that simple . " Riana said while staring at the wall . Later That Evening , and Riana and Shawn walked up to Riana 's apartment to check on Monica . As Riana opened the door , she noticed Britney was still there watching Monica sleep . " Hey ; how long has Monica been sleeping ? " " A while now . " Riana went over to Monica and laid a hand on her forehead . She sighed and looked at Britney . " Thanks for being here for her . I know she really needs someone here , especially after what happened with Donnell . " " Mon is my friend . I 'll always be there for her . " Riana looked over at Shawn . He nodded . " Can we talk for a second ? " Riana asked Britney . " Sure . " The two goes outside and closed the door . They walked down on step and sat down on the iron stairs . " Listen , I know things between us haven 't been the best lately . " " I know ; I wish things between us can go back to the way it was , but I know it 's not . " " Things will never be the same between us . We were the best of friends , but now we barely speak to each other . " " And it 's all my fault . Ri , I didn 't mean for any of this to happen . I guess I got caught up in being in love with Isaac that I didn 't realize I was hurting my best friend . I know you don 't want to hear this , but I 'm so sorry for everything . I 'm really am . " Riana sighed . She waited a moment to speak , but she couldn 't find the words to say . " Are you going to say anything ? " Britney asked . " Frankly , I don 't know what to say . A part of me wants to forgive you and become friends again , but the other part feels I can 't trust you anymore . I missed you so much as a friend because you have been there for me through so much , but I can 't get pass the fact that you was with Isaac . How do I know you won 't do it again with Shawn or with some other guy I date ? " " I won 't betray you like that again Ri . What happened between Isaac and me was horrible and I feel terrible about it . If I can take it back I would in a second , but I can 't . All I 'm asking is to please forgive me for what I 've done . I missed you and Monica so much it hurts . You two are my girls and I can 't imagine living my life without you two . You 're my sisters . " Riana looked up at the sky and shook her head . All the things Britney was saying were so genuine and kind , but she don 't know if she could accept it . " Now that I look back on everything that has happened , I look at myself and wonder what was I thinking ? I lost two of my best friends and I hurt the closest person that was like a sister to me over some guy that wasn 't even worth it . " You know that Isaac was cheating on me too . I found him with another girl the day you kicked me out . Not only that , but he hit me too . Not only is he a cheater , but also abusive . I feel so bad because after all I said and the actions I took for him wasn 't even worth it . All along I should had listened to the people that cared about me the most . " Isaac didn 't care about us being friends or the fact that what we done destroyed so many people ; the only thing he cared about was what he could get from people . Me being the naïve girl I was , I fell for all the things he said to me . I feel like such a fool . " " Don 't say that . You 're not a fool . Isaac is . He didn 't care about anyone , but himself . I 'm glad you realized it . I just wish it was sooner . " " Me too . " Riana put her hand on Britney 's hand and smiled . " Are we friends again ? " Britney asked . " I guess we are , but promise me one that that you won 't pursue any more of my men . " Britney smiled . " I promise . What made you change your mind ? " " Someone told me something tonight that changed my mind . He said that we been friends for so long and no matter what happened in life your family and friends will always be there to support you . It going to take some time for me to trust you again , but I know that as best friends , we can get through anything together . " Britney smiled as she put her arms around Riana . The two hug each other tightly . Britney was in tears while Riana was smiling at the sky . When they pulled apart , Riana wiped Britney 's tears with her hand . " I 'm glad we 're friends again . " Britney said . " Me too . " Monica and Shawn walk outside and saw Riana and Britney hugging . Monica smiled while Shawn nodded his head in approval . " At least the day ended on a high note . " Monica said . The two turned and smiled at Monica . " How are you feeling sweetie ? " Riana asked . " Like shit . I 'm pregnant , and the one good man that was in my life is gone . But I 'm glad we 're all friends again . I missed us being together . " " I think we all did . " Britney said . " Come here . " Riana said . Monica walked over to Riana and Britney and the three shared an embrace that was full of happiness . 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I was one of those crazy kind of days , where we didn 't think there were any appointments , however , he was out of one of his medications ( he had made an error in calculating how many he had - - he counted wrong ) , so he needed to go in and ask for a refill . Yep , not only was he out , he was also out of automatic refills , so it was a double reason to go in . Anyway , the need required us to go in and have to talk to a couple of different folks , and while we were there we visits a couple more . It made the stay at Balboa go a little longer , but we had to wait for the Rx to be filled anyway . It was also one of those crazy days because Jason received a notification about how the use of utilities could possibly go up , unless a waiver was processed . The form needed to get in this week , as time was running out and we 're going to be gone next week . Anyway , neither of us know 32nd Street ( That is what the Naval Base is called , where we went ) , so we ended up driving around a bit , and even getting lost only a couple of times . Once we arrived at the right office Jason was greeted in the lobby and one of their specialists came out to speak with him . One of the first things she said , after her introduction , " Oh , with this you 're exempt anyway . You don 't need to worry about this . " Obviously , the paperwork wasn 't very clear on that , and no one else made any attempts to let us know . On the other hand , we now know 32nd Street a lot better . ( didn 't know they have the cheapest gas ) The rest of the day was spent at the house , and Jason was feeling pretty good , so he decided to cook dinner tonight . I guess he thought I needed a break ( I probably did ) . He has a skill for combining things and making them come out tasting great . There was even some left over , so I know what I 'll have for lunch tomorrow . The girls were full of energy today , at least once I brought them home from their CDC classes . Both of them enjoy dress up fun , and Stacy is an expert . Jackie likes to do anything big sister does , and is consistently mimicking Stacy in every way she can . Stacy seems to enjoy it , too . Tomorrow is going to be a relatively , or maybe comparatively would be a better way to say it , easy day . I need to begin packing for our flight up north , and I need to make sure all the logistics are taken care of . I believe they are , so it should be easy to do . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Kind of an interesting day for the two of us . We didn 't have anything planned and no where to go , so Jason just stayed in his bed for the entire day , except for his shower and dressing change . Breakfast was simple , as I fixed cream of wheat , and lunch was soup and a sandwich . Also , I fixed the same for the girls , as they were now at the house with us . Jason received a text message from their mother and she asked him if we could take the girls today , because she needed to go to the ER . She came by at about 10 : 30 this morning and it did appear that something was bothering her , since she seemed to be favoring her left leg . I asked if we were going to be keeping the girls or was she going to be picking them up this evening . She didn 't know at that moment and said she would let us know . Why her father wasn 't able to watch the girls , I don 't know , but it really doesn 't matter , it is good to have them here with us . Jackie is in the early stages of potty training , or I guess the new is toilet training . I am happy to see this as I have been working with her to let us know , and it seems the same is going on at their other home . I am hopeful that it won 't be more than a few weeks to make it happen , though I did go down to Target to get some training pants / underwear for Jackie , and they didn 't have any . I 'll make another trip out tomorrow , to Babies R Us , and see if they have some . I was really surprised that Target didn 't have any , and I didn 't want to head out to Babies R Us because they aren 't that close . Tonight , when it was bed time , I had the girls brush their teeth , and Stacy is getting pretty good at it . Where I was surprised , and happy , was that Jackie is getting better at it as well . It seems both households are doing the same things , and progress is being made . I asked them if they wanted me to read them a story and they both said they wanted me to TELL them a story . I made up a story about the Land of Shapes , and a traveler who went to visit a new land , that had the one shape they didn 't have . . . diamonds . Both the girls were having fun with the story , and even started to add to it , which made it a longer story , but that was okay . They were happy with what I did and gave me a big hug and kiss when I was done . Tomorrow we 'll be taking the girls to their Child Development Center ( CDC ) classes , and then take care of a couple of errands . There are no appointments , so we don 't have to get the girls there too early . On the other hand , we don 't want to be too late , just so there is some consistency . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Well , today was a pretty good day for Jason ( and me ) , as we weren 't rushed to do much of anything this morning , and only wanted to get up to Oceanside to take Gracie up to the dog training session . We left the house with enough time to get there , and headed over to the gas station on MCRD , across the street . When we got on base we discovered there was some sort of a running event going on , and there must have been in the neighborhood of about 5 , 000 runners , since I saw some of the runner 's bibs numbered into the high 4 , 000 's . Anyway , this caused a bit of a delay in getting to the gas station , and then when we did finally get the gas , we were again delayed getting away from the gas station . Normally it would have taken us maybe 12 minutes to fill up , and this time it was closer to 30 . Some of the other drivers , behind us were getting a bit anxious , since it was taking so long . A couple of them got out of their cars , while we were waiting and walked up to me and asked what was going on . Not sure why I became the authority , but I did my best to explain , and they didn 't seem any happier . Anyway , we were on our way again . The drive up was relatively uneventful , even if we did arrive 35 minutes late . The other folks were already working with their dogs , so Jason and Gracie headed straight over while I closed up the van . Jason let them know that he was not going to be able to make the next week 's session , since we 're headed up to Livermore , but he should be back the following week . After the training I asked Jason if he 'd like to go home or go get something to eat . It was lunch time and the drive home usually takes a while as traffic bunches up right there . Jason suggested that we go try out Joe 's Crab Shack . We 'd heard about it , and even saw it the first time we came up for the training . So we headed over to the restaurant and as we got there we noticed that there was a kid 's fair going on , and there were plenty of people around . The trouble with the event was that for some reason they decided to set up in the parking area , right were there were the most handicap parking places . I had to drive around a bit , and finally found a spot , not too far away . I actually felt we were lucky to have gotten the spot , as it wasn 't too far from the restaurant . We went in , and ordered our lunches and enjoyed relaxing there for a little while . The food was good , and we didn 't have to wait too long , and soon we were done , and back out the door . We drove back down , close to the shore , since the freeway was still packed . This gave Jason and I some time to talk more , with no one else around , and it was very enjoyable . He talked about some of the things he was hoping to see happen in his life , and in the lives of the girls . He also talked a bit about where he might want to set his roots , and I was happy to hear that he liked the area . That doesn 't mean he wants to stay down in this area , but it does sound like moving out of state probably won 't happen . We got back to the house and immediately started to get ready to take his shower . He was just about done when the technician from Lincoln housing came over . I had called them earlier about the refrigerator , and was concerned that it wasn 't working correctly . The tech went over to work on the refrigerator and I finished up with Jason . The problem with the refrigerator was that the coil had frozen into a block of ice , and no air was able to pass through . The tech got the ice to " defrost " and it has worked well , ever since . The rest of the evening was watching some TV and taking care of a few other things , and now it is finally time for bed . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and all the support . Take care and stay positive . Jason spent the day at home , and I think it was something that he needed . Him staying down in bed , except for shower and dressing change , only helps the healing more . He did work on the leash he is weaving together , and it looks pretty good . He completed about 5 feet and he said that it was as long as he is going to be making that one . I think , since he wants to end up with one greater than 10 feet , he will work with at least twice the length of cord , as he was using on this latest one . I took care of a few things that I needed to get done , and I felt pretty good because I got them all done , including the smog check for my truck ( Jason 's old truck ) . The really big thing I got taken care of was making sure that the transportation plans are all in place so we can leave on October 5 . Tomorrow we will be heading up to the dog training class , so we will have to get out of the house for at least part of the day . I don 't think much else will be going on , so I might go for a short bike ride . I seem to feel better when I do that , and when I don 't I tend to get some aches and pains . I think I 've come to the realization that I 'm not 21 anymore . . . or even 31 for that matter . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I just realized I forgot to mention something , in yesterday 's post . . . It was the 777th blog post , since starting this blog a couple of years ago - okay , over 2 1 / 2 years ago . I hope it has been helpful for everyone who has been reading . Jason and I went to the gym this morning , and did a little exercising . Actually the trip over there was to see if he could actually take advantage of the gym here in the housing area , and he was to a very limited degree . The was it went was that we got up , and headed right over ; stayed for a little over 1 / 2 an hour and then came back . I spent my time on a stationary bike , and it did make my back feel better , though my hip started to tighten up a bit . How come you can get out of shape so fast and it takes forever to get back into shape ? After the gym we came right back home and took our showers . Jason wanted to go see the movie The Family , with Robert De Niro , and it was starting at 11 : 05 . The movie was entertaining , and even funny in a few places , since it is a comedy , and yet it still had the " bad guy " parts where there were far too many people killed . No cars were blown up , though a house was , as well as a storage tank , but I don 't want to give away too much of the movie . If you 've got some time to spare and you 're in the mood for some popcorn , I 'd say go see it . We got back to the house at about 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and Jason wanted to work on his sewing project . He 's also started another project ( I think I mentioned it in an earlier post ) where he is weaving a leash for Gracie . He 's making some good progress on that one , as it is about four feet long know , and it is the second one he 's done . The first one is only about three feet , and he realized that he didn 't allow enough of the cord to get the length he wants . It should end up being about 10 feet or more , when he 's done . He wants to be able to wrap it around him , so that he doesn 't have to hold on to it . For dinner we had TOGOS sandwiches , and they were really good . We hadn 't been to a TOGOS in several weeks , so it was nice as a change . The rest of the day was just laid back and work on the stuff we wanted to . Jason is feeling pretty good , and I am also , as we both look forward to heading back up to Livermore , early next month for the concert . From what I understand if you are still interested in going , there are some tickets left so please don 't hesitate much longer . Thank you , for all the continued support and Take care and stay positive . It started off very much normal , and the first thing that we had to do was simply get up and get ready to go . The girls wanted breakfast so I let them pick out their clothes and then had them head out to the kitchen . It is really cute how they know the routine and want to help set the table and get the napkins and spoons while Grandpa grabs the bowls and the milk . They seem to have two favorite cereals , Cheerios and Kix . There are a few that others that they enjoy , but those two are their favorites . We dropped the girls off at about 08 : 00 and after the extended good - byes ( Stacy didn 't want us to leave today ) , we headed back to the house . Before we got into the house , well , actually before we even got out of the van , Jason said he wanted to head up to Miramar because he was contacted and his clothes are ready , or at least some of them are . We grabbed some water and got back into the van and we were off . Now that we have gone up to Miramar a couple of times it is quite easy to get there . . . usually . Today , however proved to be a little more challenging . I was one lane over too far to get the exit I wanted and the guy in the next lane over didn 't want to let me in . I 'm not sure if there was some issue he had , or if I had inadvertently cut him off or something , but as I slowed he slowed ; as I sped up he sped up ; and , eventually I couldn 't take the exit . I simply waited to the next exit and took that one and it only cost us an additional two miles . When we got on to the Marine Air Base , something tickled Jason 's thoughts because he suddenly said he would like to find the EOD folks on Miramar and go visit them . We drove around for about 5 minutes and came to this one building that was supposed to have some information for visitors . As it turned out there were two guys from EOD right there , so I asked them to come over to the van ( actually Jason spotted them and asked me to call them over ) . They came over and offered to lead us to the EOD site , and that 's how we managed to get there . They are located way the other side of the base , and I don 't think we would have been able to find the place , so it was fortunate they were there . We came in through their garage area , since there are no ramps , and Jason had a great time just talking with them and effectively reminiscing . Jason actually knew one of the guys there and all of them seemed to know many of the same people , so Jason could comfortably talk to them about all the stuff he knew and they did too . I think it was very good for him to do this - except that it did take up all our time , and he didn 't make it over to pick up the clothes . . . We may have to go over again tomorrow . I needed to get back to the house to work on some projects that I was responsible for , to have delivered to the PMI Chapter I belong to . I am on the Board of Directors and we had working session going on today , as well as an annual meeting coming up . I wanted to be sure that I was ready for the meeting and that it was as good a job as I could deliver . There were a couple of other interruptions and and a bunch of phone calls both taken and made , then finally I was able to finish what I wanted . I was able to get the information delivered and now there are some follow up meetings , but basically I 'm done . This means I was ready for the working session meeting that was held tonight . When it was over I felt both good and tired . Jason and I had not eaten , so we went out for a late dinner , and while there I got a chance to speak with Linda . That was probably the most relaxed call I had had all day . I don 't think tomorrow will be anything like today , and we will be able to enjoy this fall weather much more , maybe even hit the gym . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Easy day with very good weather , and time with the girls . The only thing that didn 't happen was to get outside and play with Stacy 's new " Stomp Rocket . " It was one of the gifts she got for her birthday , and she really liked playing with it . She 's been talking about learning more about rockets , and growing up to be able to launch bigger ones , all the way to the moon . We didn 't get out side because by the time she and Jackie were done playing their Bingo game it was getting too close to dinner and then it was too late to be playing over at the park . Jason and I went over to Costco to pick up a few things , and as hard as it is , sometimes , we went into Costco and only bought what we intended to get . We came out with spending less than $ 100 , and didn 't feel like we forgot anything . We came back to the house and kicked back for a few hours and then in the afternoon I went back over to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) to pick up the girls . Not sure what was going on , but the two classes were combined today , and it appeared that the girls ( in fact all the students ) were having a great time . They were all out side , when I arrived , and had been playing pretty hard . Stacy was out of breath , as she had just run across the yard to greet me , and Jackie was right there and jumped up and came and gave me a big hug . Hugs are always good , and when you get them from your grand kids they are even better . We got back home and the girls started playing in the Doodle Dome , and then Stacy wanted to play with her other toys and finally with the Bingo game . I had dinner ready by 18 : 15 ( 6 : 15pm ) and they were all done at 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) , and both of them ran back to watch cartoons in Daddy 's room . I left them alone for about a half an hour then it was bath time and finally time to get ready for bed . I read them a couple of stories , letting each of them pick one , and now I 'm playing catch up with the other stuff I want to get done . Finally , got to speak with Linda for a little while - she is working so hard on getting the house ready for the work that is about to be done there . I 'll be happy to be back up there , early next month , just to see what has been done . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is actually Stacy 's fifth birthday , and even though there wasn 't as much of a party , she still has a great day , and we had a good time before and after going to the CDC . Jason only had the one appointment today , and that was simply to get a blood test going ( he has to do a blood test every few months , as well as a urine test - they 're looking to make sure he is taking the medications like he is supposed to ) . Once we were done dropping off the girls and then having the blood drawn , we went over to MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) Exchange , so he could purchase a sewing machine . Yep , Jason is wanting to create a new " vest " for Gracie , his service dog . Actually he has a couple of projects in mind , and I think once he gets going he may start to crank out all kinds of projects . He has to learn ( re - learn ) how to do some of the sewing , since it has been so many years since Linda showed him how to sew , and he really didn 't have a lot of time while in Afghanistan , or on the Float ( 26 MEU ) so he 's gotten rusty , to say the least . Both Mom ( Linda ) and Joslyn ( our home health aid ) are going to be working to help Jason get going , but I do believe he will be doing most of the work himself . Funny thing is , just a short time ago he was offered an internship and he was pretty excited about that ; now he seems almost as excited to do the sewing . I guess it 's the creative side that is coming out . Our friend Anthony Netto is now riding a hand crank bike , one that Jason managed to get him , and he told us that he made 5K , and wants to start riding with me . I think it will be fun doing this , and it will be good to have someone to ride with , even if it is for a short distance . I can always continue on , or perhaps make a big loop and meet up on the way back . We 'll just have to see how it goes . Jason is officially on leave now , so tomorrow we 're sleeping in , or at least trying to . The girls will probably be getting us up earlier than we want . There are no appointments , and the girls don 't have to be over to their classes at any particular time , though we like to have them there by about 09 : 00 at the latest . Getting therm there at that hour gives us plenty of time to play some in the morning and still have time left over for a good breakfast . That 's about all for tonight , so stay tuned for the next installment . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Now that we 're into Fall , the weather starts to change and the leaves begin to change colors . Well , okay , that would be if there were the traditional weather season here . In San Diego they only have two seasons - late Spring and Early Spring . Winter and Summer only last about a week each so I don 't count them . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not complaining , I kind of like having a dependable weather pattern to deal with and I do generally wear shorts most of the year , as do many other folks around here , its rough , but I deal with it . . . ; - ) Anyway , that 's not what I meant to start the blog with , today . Jason is doing well and I am pleased to say that one of the areas of his wounds seems to have finally closed up . ( Of course now that I 've said that the skin is going to stretch and split open again ) . We spent so much time outside yesterday that Jason wanted to just stay in the house , and except for going to lunch with Anthony Netto and Angelica he spent most of the day in bed . The good thing about the luncheon , besides the food , was that we got to just sit and talk about the up coming concert and some of the logistics that needed to be taken care of . Anthony tends to be a busy guy so this was a good time to go over all the different items and timing of different things . Stacy and Jackie had a great day today . One of the gifts that Stacy received was a Stomp Rocket . Grandma and Grandpa took the girls to the local park and let the girls play with it for almost an hour . There was another mom there with her boys ( about the same age and the girls ) and Stacy invited them to come and have some fun with them . All of them were having a great time and it just another sign that Stacy is maturing so well and ready to get into kindergarten . Tomorrow Linda will be heading back home , and we 'll be doing our best to get along without her , again . I 'll be heading up to Livermore in a couple of weeks , with Jason and the girls , so we get to see her again , and I 'll be spending some quality time with her , so it isn 't too bad . I just wish we didn 't have to deal with this gaps . Anyway , thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Stacy woke this morning excited to celebrate her birthday ; she wore one of her princess dresses and kept asking when were we going to be going to her party at the park . I went ahead early in the truck , to secure tables and set up the decorations . Linda drove Jason and the girls later ( getting her name on the van lease was such a good idea ) and brought the cake and balloons . It win as a low turnout of kids to help celebrate , and I attribute that to my poor kid - party planning skills , though I am still learning more things all the time . The kids still had a good time and because we had so much food left over Jason simply " donated " the extra pizza to a gathering of a group of people who were sitting relatively close by ( I think it was a group like AA , though we didn 't really know who they were ) . Actually , the rest of the day was relaxed , and we ALL got a chance to take a little nap . When we were all up and moving again we got to work putting things away and general clean up . Linda got busy a little while later fixing dinner for the family , and Jason ( I guess I should say , " Daddy " ) was busy helping Stacy build her Tangled Castle . I was glad he was doing it because there are some smaller pieces that he can see better than I can and it was good father - daughter time . Jason 's leave time officially begins today , so that the next 30 days ( I think ) he doesn 't have to worry about formation or anything other than taking care of medical issues , and even those are simply related to issues that might come up and prescription and supply refills . Right now we are in pretty good shape on all accounts and I think the next several days are going to be spent figuring out what we need to do to make sure our trip up to Livermore , coming up soon , is as close to perfect as we can get . Thank you , for all the continued prayer and support ( it really seems to be helping us significantly right now ) . Take care and stay positive . Hooray ! Linda is with us again ! She came in tonight on a Southwest flight and we were very happy to see her . The flight was over 30 minutes late , but then what 's new . The only bad thing associated with it was the fact that Southwest hadn 't contacted me about the delay . I always leave my phone number so they can call me , allowing me the freedom to relax a little instead of hurrying down to the airport to pick her up . We spent well over a half hour just driving in circles - I just love the way airlines have gone , and service has really taken a back seat . Anyway , Jason had a formation and an appointment today , and then that was it for the day . We did have some things to do , so that we could prepare for Stacy 's birthday celebration tomorrow , and we knocked those out of the way quickly . We got back to the house and Jason got back in bed , with the hopes that he 'd get some rest in prior to heading out to the airport . I kicked back for a little while , though I did bring down a load of clothes so that Linda would have less to worry about . I went to pick up the girls but then found out , after I got back , that the girls had been at their mom 's house and didn 't even go in to day care today . The girls came in and they were all full of energy and so happy to be with us . We played for a little while and I helped Jackie in the Doodle Dome ( a tent like structure that has a light reactive surface so that when you make a line or figure on that surface it stays the way for several seconds , Jason bought it for them ) , the girls both love it . I have been dealing with sciatic pain these past several days , and the pain has been getting progressively worse . I 'm afraid that if it continues through the weekend I will be needing to go to the VA and ask to have something done . The funny thing is that whenever I can get a little exercise in , the pain goes away , so I 'm going to do my best to get more exercise in . It might be a challenge with Stacy 's party tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason played a little basketball today , and I was able to get a few pictures of it , to share with everyone . He is doing well , and we really didn 't do much else today . We got up , ate breakfast , and then Anthony Netto came over , and we went to go shoot some hoops . While he was doing that both Anthony and I were taking pictures . Afterward , we went to lunch and then turned and came back to the house . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and that was pretty much that for the day . I am pretty excited about his weekend , as Linda is coming down for a short visit . Actually it is timed to coincide with Stacy 's birthday - she 's turning five ! Linda will be able to stay through the entire weekend , so I get two full days of her , besides the evening tomorrow and the morning on Monday ( that 's when she has to fly back ) . Not much else going on , so please enjoy the photos . . . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . I was surprised this morning , with the early rise of Jason . Typically he is awake when I come down , and he was again today - that 's nothing new - so I went in to help the girls get ready . By the time I had Jackie up and dressed , Jason was at the door , ready to brush Jackie 's hair . This was a very good thing , as far as I was concerned , since I still had to get Stacy moving . Between the two of the girls , Stacy is the one who likes to stay in bed longer , and can be a little difficult to get going sometimes . Anyway , I got her up and I let her pick out her clothes , with a little help from Grandpa . Once she was dressed she went over to Daddy and let him do her hair , too . I was so very happy to see Jason getting more involved with the girls morning routine . I like him doing more and more . We went to the base and dropped the girls off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , and then on to his first appointment . The first appointment was with the folks in physical therapy , where Dawn worked him pretty good . What was particularly good about that was that he was feeling good afterward . The next appointment was with the nurse practitioner so it was a very short visit , probably no more than 20 minutes . Then on to the last appointment with Dr . Kim . When we were all done with the appointments we went to go have breakfast . We hadn 't had time to eat breakfast prior to coming over , so we wanted to have something now . The girls get to eat at the CDC , and they kind of like doing that once in awhile , so we weren 't worried about them being fed . We headed on back home and spent the rest of the day at the house , and just kind of did nothing much for a little while . Anthony Netto called and asked if he could come over , as he was looking for a photo , and he knows I have a bunch of them on the laptop . As it turned out , we spent about two hours looking through all the pictures I have , and couldn 't find what he wanted , though I found some that I had forgotten about . The rest of the day and into the night we still didn 't do much , other than my email and taking care of a few things . Tomorrow there is no appointments , so we can sleep in , and I might not get up until 07 : 00 . Thank you for all the support and continued prayers . Take care and stay postive . Today was a good day for Jason , and the rest of us actually . Jason didn 't have any appointments , though we thought he did . Both of us made the same mistake in looking at the schedule ( a new schedule is printed out each time a new appointment is made , and the old one discarded ) , and thought there was an appointment . We got up to the clinic and found out that we didn 't need to be there we just turned around and left . He wanted to head over to do some shopping for Stacy , anyway . Her birthday is coming up and he was looking for a specific gift . We got to the store and there it was , so the price was good and he bought it . I think I 'll make him wrap it , but then again , he 'll probably just ask Mom to wrap it , when she gets here on Friday . I ordered the birthday cake , and was assured it would be ready on Friday , and that was about the extent of all our running around . We did have one other thing happen , that I thought was pretty cool - Jason was offered an internship with one of the defense contractors . They are local , and the work they are doing is something that is of great interest to Jason , so he is probably going to take it . Of course this would change some of the other plans on where he wants to live , but that 's okay - the San Diego area isn 't a bad place to settle down , and the girls seem to enjoy the area and weather , too . I 'll keep you appraised on what happens , as we get more information and progress is made . Tomorrow the girls go back to the other home for a couple of days , and then back with us on Friday . We DO have appointments tomorrow , so we will be spending some time at the base . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a do nothing day , and I 'm glad it went that way . Well , actually Jason did go to get a hair cut , so I had to drive him over to the barber shop on MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) , and he also got cleaned up and a dressing change . Other than those couple of things , we just didn 't do much around here . I 'm glad because my back is giving me some trouble . I think I 'm going to need to see somebody tomorrow if it doesn 't start to feel better . I hope everyone has had a chance to see the video now , and has a better feel for just exactly who Jason is and where he came from . You 'll have to wait for the book to get details , and I guess I need to start working on it , if I ever hope to get it done . Although , procrastination is one of the thing I do best . . . ; - ) Tomorrow we have to get moving early as there is a formation for Jason ( every Monday and Friday ) , and he hasn 't missed one yet . We also get the girls back tomorrow , for a couple of days and that is going to be fun . I watched the 49ers lose to the Sea Hawks tonight , and wonder what happened . Seattle played well , for the most part , and every once in a while so did SF . They just couldn 't get their act together for some reason . Oh well , I 'm tired and I think I 'll just go to bed now . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . This is the video that was created for the concert that is coming up in October . If you can make it to the event it would really be great to see you there . It is taking place in Livermore , CA , at the Wente Vineyard outdoor theater . Video Created for the Warriors Concert at Wente Vineyards Not much else to post today , as Jason and I pretty much spent the entire day at home , and really didn 't do much more than we absolutely had to do . Except for the boxes Jason wanted to go through in the garage , about 8 of them , we just talked , and rested . . . and watched some TV . As for the boxes . . . we did find what he was looking for , and he was pretty happy about it . It was a binder that had all his military history , prior to being sent off on the 26 MEU , and then Afghanistan . I got up at about 07 : 10 and went down stairs , after cleaning up and brushing my teeth , and asked him if he would like some breakfast . For the past four days he hasn 't had any breakfast because there just wasn 't enough time to eat , and still get to class . Today was different , since the class , for him , didn 't begin until about noon . I cooked some pancakes and eggs , and I think he was pretty happy about it . Typically he doesn 't get that unless it is the weekend . Anyway , it was a slow and relaxed start to the day . I finished up some laundry that I needed to do , including the folding and putting away , and then we went over to MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) where his class was . I let him off at class and went over to the base gas station to put some fuel into the van , then head over to Costco . Actually I debated this a little , wondering if the gas at Costco might be cheaper than on base ; as it turned out I made the right choice and got the MCRD gas , which was $ . 04 cheaper . Then at Costco I bought some things we needed , or were running low on . I had told Jason I was going to do this , so he knew we would have stuff in the house when he came back home , and we wouldn 't have to leave again . Just about the time I came home and finished putting things away I got a call from Jason saying that he would probably be getting out at 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) , instead of an hour later . I told him I would be there at three and if he wasn 't out I 'd just wait . As it turned out , he wasn 't out and I waited . . . for about 15 minutes , so it wasn 't too bad . He hadn 't had any lunch so he was starting to get hungry , as was I . We ended up heading over to a new restaurant , Gordon Birsch ( I think is the name ) and we had a nice early dinner . There were a few other people there , but the crowds actually didn 't start showing up until we were leaving , and that was okay by me . We came home and he took his shower , with dressing change and then got in bed . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Buddy Todd Park , for the dog training , though I think they should call it people and dog training , as the people are trained as much as the dogs . Weather is supposed to be good , so it should be a nice morning for them . I just hope there are fewer vehicles than there were last week . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was the last day of the early morning classes , and tomorrow Jason doesn 't have to be there until about noon . What this really means ? ? Jason and I get to sleep in a little ! Today was another early start , and Jason was over at the class before 07 : 30 , by about 10 minutes or so , and I picked him back up at 11 : 00 , almost exactly . The funny thing is that I attempted to gain access to the base , that would have allowed me to have enough time to get to the class room , so that I could have picked up Jason just as he came out side . As it was though , the guard at the gate , the same gate I 've been coming into all week , had a patrol office there that wasn 't aware of the rules or something . He redirected me over to the main gate , and then I was allowed in . I wouldn 't complain too much about this except that it looked to me as though he was doing it with everybody ! Both of the vehicles in front of me were also over at the main gate , gaining access . When they use the Marines to man the shacks at the gates , there doesn 't seem to be any problems . When they use these contractors there always seems to be something I have to do to get on base . I just wish they 'd be consistent . Anyway , we got back to the house and we had lunch . Shortly after lunch , Jason was asleep and he remained that way until almost 18 : 00 ( 6pm ) . Shortly after he woke he took a shower and I changed his dressings , and then we had a lite dinner . Neither of us was very hungry , and the vegetable - beef soup was actually pretty good . While Jason was sleeping I did some laundry , and there really wasn 't much else to do tonight so it worked out pretty good . The only other thing I did today , while Jason was in class , was to go for a short bike ride . It was about 12 miles and I did it in under an hour , so I was feeling pretty good about it . . . especially since there weren 't any mechanical issues . Tomorrow is Friday , and at this point we don 't have any plans for doing anything more than hang around the house . I took care of the Microsoft Office issue today , so now all I have to do is wait for them to send me the voucher that will allow me to get another key . Of course this is going to take over a month , so I still don 't have the tools I paid for , but that 's Micro $ oft for you . Not to worry , I can still do just about everything else I want to do , and I have access to the web . September 11 , came and there were a number of events throughout the city of San Diego , just as I am sure there are all over the country . Even with those events , in place to allow those , who were killed by this terrorist attack , to be remembered and , to honor those who stepped up to do what they could to show that this country remains strong . I am very proud of Jason and what he has done , serving the nation in the capacity he has , and he continues to impress me , and others with all that he continues to do . This morning we went over to his training , and then I took the girls to their Child Development Center ( CDC ) . I had a few things to take care of in the morning , and at about 11 : 00 Jason called me ( and txt 'd me ) to let me know he was ready for pick up . We had lunch and then I called Linda , so she could hear the news . . . Jason has invited both of us to the Marine Ball , coming up in November . This is really a big thing , as neither of us has ever been to one , so you can imagine that Linda was pretty excited about it . I 'm pretty happy about it as well , and expect that it will be a fun event for all of us . Once we got home we had a chance to do a little relaxing , and to take care of a few other things . I was hoping to get MS Office working on the computer , but the " key " that MS said I have to use was damaged , so I now have to try to work with them via the phone , rather than being able to go back to Best Buy to get a new key . By the time I found out what I actually had to do I found out that I had to call them by 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) and it was 17 : 15 ( 5 : 15pm ) when I found this out . Now I am going to have to attempt it again tomorrow . In my opinion , MS has far too much influence and power in this country , but that 's my opinion . Tomorrow will be another day of training for Jason and then back to the house . Finally Friday will be the last day and then we can get to next week , and back to a more " normal " setting and routine . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . Day two of Jason 's TRS training , and again we had an early start . The day did start a little differently this time , though as the girls wanted breakfast and we actually had the time for them to eat a bowl of cereal . I felt pretty good when they said they wanted breakfast , as that , to me , meant that they were eating more of what they wanted here , than at the school . We dropped Jason off and then headed over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . Dropping them off is always kind of a game , with the girls saying good - bye and then me trying to get out of the class room . They usually come running over to me , holding on to my arm or legs and wanting one more hug and kiss . This usually takes about five to six minutes to get through , and they both tend to do it . The blessing is that I usually don 't have a time constraint , so the extra 10 - 12 minutes is no big deal . I did get in another short bike ride today , where I rode up to the bike shop to put some air in the tires and apparently , as I removed the pump from the stem , I broke the stem on the valve . This means that the air in the tire was able to remain in the tire , but I won 't be able to fill it again . It also means the air will tend to " bleed " out a little faster , since there is no stem on the valve to pull it closed tighter . I got back to the house and had to immediately go get Jason , and then I brought him back to the house . From that point on it was more of a typical day , much like Monday was . Joslyn , out home health aid ( Larry 's replacement ) comes in and really does a great job of helping around the place . When she comes in , it is only a matter of a few minutes that I am back out , going to pick up the girls . The girls really like her as well , so that makes it even that much better . This evening I fixed the girls their favorite ( this week ) , hamburgers . Jackie ate more than Stacy , but that isn 't anything unusual . After dinner we cleaned up and played around the house . Jason was sleeping so I had to come up with something quite for them to do , and allowed them to build a " tent " in their room . This lasted for a little while , and they were entertained for the time . Jackie is at that age where she jumps from one thing to the next , and never really puts much time on any one thing . It also means she tends to leave things laying around the house , so we constantly pick up after her . Fortunately Stacy is much more focused on what she does , and she doesn 't create as much of a " trail " as she moves about . Tomorrow , as I take them to the CDC we won 't see them again until Monday , so we will miss them , but we 're getting used to the pattern more . Today started out early , with Jason needing to be over at his TRS ( not sure what the letters mean , other than something to do with transitioning ) training , over at MCRD . I initially thought we were going to be going over to Miramar , but this morning Jason said it was at MCRD . The good news is that it is effectively just across the street from his house . The tougher part was that access to the depot is a little tighter , and we had to make people aware that I would be going back and forth , without Jason in the van . It all worked out , and Jason got to class with time to spare and I was allowed back on to the depot with not problems at all . After dropping Jason off I took the girls up to Balboa , to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , so the girls could get to their respective classes , and then I simply came back to the house and figured I 'd wait to hear from Jason , as to when he wanted to be picked up . Shortly after arriving back home it occurred to me that I had some time available to me that I had not had in several weeks , and decided to go for a much needed bike ride . I sent Jason and text and then took off a few minutes later . It was a nice ride , as there really wasn 't much traffic , with the commute being over and lunch traffic not having started yet . There were just a relatively small number of pedestrians around and so my ride along the harbor was almost like a Sunday morning ride . It was a regular loop that I have made several times and by the time I was done with the 12 mile ride , I was pretty tired . I knew I had not ridden in several weeks , like I said earlier . I guess as you get a little older you get further out of shape much faster , and I really don 't like that . I need to find the time and discipline to ride more often . The rest of the day was spent hanging around the house and talking to various folks on the phone , and keeping my email up - to - date . It was a nice day to kind of relax . I went to pick up the girls when I went over to purchase some printer ink , and a few other things . Then tonight we had spaghetti with sausages for dinner . Anthony Netto had come over for dinner , so it was a great chance to discuss some plans with him and to just kick back and have some carefree conversation . I am hopeful that tomorrow is as much fun . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support coming our way . Take care and stay positive . Today was a day basically spent at home and it was nice just relaxing and having the girls to play with . They spent some time with Jason , in his room and with me around the rest of the house . We had our pancake breakfast , and Stacy helped with the making of the pancakes . After lunch the girls took their naps , and Jason took his shower ; then , after they got up we all went shopping at Target , to buy a few things for Stacy and a couple things for Jackie . The good news is that most of the clothes that Stacy grows out of , Jackie can put on , and Jason doesn 't have to buy new clothes for her . He still does , to make sure she doesn 't feel left out , but it is so nice to have all these ready to use clothes . The realization is that in a few years I don 't know if that is still going to be done . Jackie is built differently than Stacy , and I suspect that she will soon be wearing larger sizes as she gets older and Stacy 's clothes are always going to fit . When the girls went to bed tonight I read two stories to them , since they each have a bed . What I had been doing is sitting on the edge of Stacy 's bed and reading a story to them at night , and now that they both have beds , I have to sit on both of their beds , and thus I read two stories . It really doesn 't take too much time to do the stories , so I don 't mind , and the girls get extra time with Grandpa . Next week is going to be a little different , in that we still take the girls to Balboa and drop them off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) ; and , then we head over to Mirimar for a special training class for Jason . It will be going on for at least a week , and after the training we come back to the CDC to pick the girls back up . The thing is , this is supposed to be a one - week class , or training , and Jason can not stay up for the entire eight - hour class sessions . I don 't know if that means he will have to go for two weeks or what , so my guess is we 'll find something out tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . We all got up a little later than usual this morning , so that caused a change of plans for breakfast . I was originally going to be fixing pancakes and eggs for breakfast , but had to switch to the back up , cereal , because we were too short of time . That 's okay , as I will do the pancake thing tomorrow . . . ; - ) We all went to Jason 's and Gracie 's dog training lessons at the park , in Oceanside , and while he was there the girls and I went and played at the park and on the swings . As it turned out , there was a bunch of things going on , including an antique car club gathering . There were all kinds of trailers around and people doing dog grooming , with a particular focus on poodles . You know , those Standard Poodles are pretty big dogs , even if they do look a little on the silly side with those hair cuts . The girls were all over the place , though they mostly wanted to play on the swings . We also climbed the tree again , and they played on the jungle gym and train , and when we were ready to head back over to where Jason was , Stacy decided she wanted to run the jogging trail back to where Jason and Gracie were . That was fine with me , as it was less than 1 / 4 mile , and I really didn 't have to move too fast to keep up . Before we were there Jackie asked me to pick her up and carry her the rest of the way , and then Stacy did the same as we got there . Fortunately the class was just about over so we didn 't have to wait too long , to get back to the van , so we could head on home . That 's where it got a little crazy with so many people there . As the girls and I got to the van , we noticed a line of antique cars parked in a line , right behind the van . I was stuck . When we had arrived there was very limited parking , and no handicap parking to be had . I had to let Jason out first and then go park where I could . Jason was now waiting over by the ramp and we were stuck in our parking spot . The owner / driver of this cool looking old Ford pickup came running up ( I was actually a little concerned as he wasn 't a young guy , and didn 't look to be in too good of shape - about like me I guess ) I told him he didn 't need to run , but I did appreciate him coming back quickly . He moved and we got out and went over to pick up Jason and Gracie . The drive home was pretty easy , compared to the ones in the past , so I was happy about that . We got into the house and I immediately fixed them lunch . We , Jason and I , were actually kind of surprised that the girls weren 't asleep , though that was probably a good thing . After lunch they all laid down and that was pretty much the day . After the girls got up they spent a bunch of time with Daddy , in his bed , where he read to them and they watched some cartoons . Then tonight , after dinner and their bath he read them a story before they went to sleep . I was very happy to see this , and felt good about it as well . Anyway , thank you , for all the continued support and all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , as we got the chance to speak with the right folks with regard to the modifications needed for his wheelchair . There is going to be action done to make a " tilt " feature on the chair , and that is designed to help alleviate some of the pressure on the wounds , and even on areas that have already healed over . The good news is that the changes won 't take long to do , once all the parts are received , and that leads us to the less - good news , as it will take some time to get the parts , though they may come in more quickly . Jason is feeling good , and he is getting a good work out , each time he goes into PT . Dawn is the therapist that Jason usually works with , and Mike jumps in to help on those times when Dawn isn 't there yet , or has the day off . The good thing is that Mike is one of the senior therapists there and really knows what he is doing , so Jason has two very qualified and good people working on him . While Jason is being worked on in PT I usually just sit and visit with him and the others for a little while , and then I 'll walk around C5 and visit with whomever happens to be there , that I am familiar with . Since we 've been connected with Balboa for almost two years now , we 've gotten to know just about everyone . We got the girls today , and they will be with us for the next five days , so that part is really good . The only thing that would make it better is if Linda were here as well . The girls really do love their Grandma , and ask for her each time they come over . Jackie is loving her new bed , and I think she is looking forward to sleeping in it for more than just one day , so that is one of the exciting things for this time . Tomorrow we will be taking Jason and Gracie up to their training lessons , so the girls and I will be playing at the park . I 'm thinking that I will get up and go with pancakes , since everyone seems to like those , and a good hearty breakfast will help to hold us through the morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . Today , Jason and I went to the base , and dropped of the girls at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then headed over to his appointments ( and my one appointment , too ) . We were all done before noon , and then headed back to the house , so he could take a shower and relax . We were also given tickets to go see the Giants and the Padres play , and the seats we were given were very nice seats , indeed . As it turned out the Padres organization had people there to greet us , as we got to the gate , and had made arrangements for us to come in through the VIP gate . Only trouble with that was that I wasn 't told until after we had arrived that we were supposed to do that , so we came in through the Home Plate gate , which is right next to it . We still were escorted to our seats , as the people who were sent to great us , found us quickly . Our tickets were actually supposed to be along first base side , but they knew we are Giants fans , so they arranged for us to sit on the third base side , and in fact , RIGHT NEXT TO the Giants dugout . It was really cool . The team arrived while I went to go get some food for Jason and I ( I didn 't have to , as there was a person assigned to get us whatever we wanted , but I wanted to just go take a look ) . Also while I was gone , the Giants sent over a representative and gave Jason a " game ball " , and then later one of the foul balls that was hit in their direction . I was nearly hit by another foul ball , and didn 't catch it either , but it was still cool . Anyway , we stayed for most of the game , but then had to leave as Jason was uncomfortable , so we left right after the 6th inning . The Giants finally won the game 15 to 9 , with most of the runs scored after we left ( I guess it got kind of crazy ) . I did get some good pictures , though none of them being pictures of Jason with the players . We would have had to have gotten there an hour earlier than we did . Maybe next time . . . The rest of the day is devoted to trying to catch up on a few other things at the house and getting some rest . Thank you for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had formation this morning , and then we needed to get up to General Surgery ( that 's what they call the area where he goes for general examination and getting prescriptions refilled ) to see some of the folks there . I also picked up a few supplies while we were there , just to be sure we had plenty . We then went and visited a few of the other people down in C5 , and gave them a few updates on his condition and then finally over to the ASYMCA - Armed Services YMCA . All together we were in and out of the base in a a matter of a couple of hours , and then headed back to the house . Not much else going on , other than to say we 're going to be attempting another outing tomorrow , as we have been given tickets to the Giants / Padres game . We ended up with a bad experience when we went to the football game , over at Qualcomm Stadium , so we hope that this one will be better . Pet Co Park is a new facility and from what we 've heard is supposed to be much more in tuned with ADA type needs . Anyway , I 'll let you all know how it works out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Jason and I had a pretty good day today , as Jackie 's new bed is now together and set up for her . The mattress people said they would have it here by noon and at 12 : 08 there was a knock on the door . They didn 't hit their time , but they were close enough . After they brought the stuff in and the bed was set up Jason and I headed off to Target and purchased sheets and other such stuff . The funny part is , I am sure the girls are still going to fight over who " owns " which sheet set or blanket , and we 'll have to get them to understand sharing . All part of growing up . . . and its wonderful . Tomorrow we have to be over at the base for Jason 's 07 : 30 formation , and I would like to get to bed early tonight . So with that , I 'll say , good night . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . An interesting day for Jason and I , as we went out and found a new mattress and box for Jackie , and they will have it delivered here tomorrow morning . Now all I have to do is take down the crib and put up the new bed . Other than making a quick run to the grocery store we spent the rest of the day at home . I did some laundry and a few other odds and ends , but otherwise just relaxed . Tomorrow is labor day , and we have some things planned , like putting the new bed together , and just enjoying the weather , even if it is a bit warmer than usual . San Diego generally has moderate weather , and seldom gets about 80 to 85 degrees around here . These last few days it has been in the 90 's and that is pretty warm , especially with the humidity running up around 80 % . I know it gets worse in some other areas of the country , but that is extreme for around here . Jason is taking it all in stride , and does his best to avoid the hotter times of the day . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers - take care and stay positive . It was brought to my attention that the connection / link to the concert isn 't working , and there are a few folks out there who are wanting to purchase tickets . I have asked about why this is the state of the website and am waiting on a reply . My guess is that someone slipped and this was thought to have been done but obviously isn 't . Because it is a holiday weekend it probably won 't be corrected until Tuesday at the soonest , so I ask that you hang in there and please be patient . It will be corrected though . Take care and stay positive .

I was one of those crazy kind of days , where we didn 't think there were any appointments , however , he was out of one of his medications ( he had made an error in calculating how many he had - - he counted wrong ) , so he needed to go in and ask for a refill . Yep , not only was he out , he was also out of automatic refills , so it was a double reason to go in . Anyway , the need required us to go in and have to talk to a couple of different folks , and while we were there we visits a couple more . It made the stay at Balboa go a little longer , but we had to wait for the Rx to be filled anyway . It was also one of those crazy days because Jason received a notification about how the use of utilities could possibly go up , unless a waiver was processed . The form needed to get in this week , as time was running out and we 're going to be gone next week . Anyway , neither of us know 32nd Street ( That is what the Naval Base is called , where we went ) , so we ended up driving around a bit , and even getting lost only a couple of times . Once we arrived at the right office Jason was greeted in the lobby and one of their specialists came out to speak with him . One of the first things she said , after her introduction , " Oh , with this you 're exempt anyway . You don 't need to worry about this . " Obviously , the paperwork wasn 't very clear on that , and no one else made any attempts to let us know . On the other hand , we now know 32nd Street a lot better . ( didn 't know they have the cheapest gas ) The rest of the day was spent at the house , and Jason was feeling pretty good , so he decided to cook dinner tonight . I guess he thought I needed a break ( I probably did ) . He has a skill for combining things and making them come out tasting great . There was even some left over , so I know what I 'll have for lunch tomorrow . The girls were full of energy today , at least once I brought them home from their CDC classes . Both of them enjoy dress up fun , and Stacy is an expert . Jackie likes to do anything big sister does , and is consistently mimicking Stacy in every way she can . Stacy seems to enjoy it , too . Tomorrow is going to be a relatively , or maybe comparatively would be a better way to say it , easy day . I need to begin packing for our flight up north , and I need to make sure all the logistics are taken care of . I believe they are , so it should be easy to do . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Kind of an interesting day for the two of us . We didn 't have anything planned and no where to go , so Jason just stayed in his bed for the entire day , except for his shower and dressing change . Breakfast was simple , as I fixed cream of wheat , and lunch was soup and a sandwich . Also , I fixed the same for the girls , as they were now at the house with us . Jason received a text message from their mother and she asked him if we could take the girls today , because she needed to go to the ER . She came by at about 10 : 30 this morning and it did appear that something was bothering her , since she seemed to be favoring her left leg . I asked if we were going to be keeping the girls or was she going to be picking them up this evening . She didn 't know at that moment and said she would let us know . Why her father wasn 't able to watch the girls , I don 't know , but it really doesn 't matter , it is good to have them here with us . Jackie is in the early stages of potty training , or I guess the new is toilet training . I am happy to see this as I have been working with her to let us know , and it seems the same is going on at their other home . I am hopeful that it won 't be more than a few weeks to make it happen , though I did go down to Target to get some training pants / underwear for Jackie , and they didn 't have any . I 'll make another trip out tomorrow , to Babies R Us , and see if they have some . I was really surprised that Target didn 't have any , and I didn 't want to head out to Babies R Us because they aren 't that close . Tonight , when it was bed time , I had the girls brush their teeth , and Stacy is getting pretty good at it . Where I was surprised , and happy , was that Jackie is getting better at it as well . It seems both households are doing the same things , and progress is being made . I asked them if they wanted me to read them a story and they both said they wanted me to TELL them a story . I made up a story about the Land of Shapes , and a traveler who went to visit a new land , that had the one shape they didn 't have . . . diamonds . Both the girls were having fun with the story , and even started to add to it , which made it a longer story , but that was okay . They were happy with what I did and gave me a big hug and kiss when I was done . Tomorrow we 'll be taking the girls to their Child Development Center ( CDC ) classes , and then take care of a couple of errands . There are no appointments , so we don 't have to get the girls there too early . On the other hand , we don 't want to be too late , just so there is some consistency . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Well , today was a pretty good day for Jason ( and me ) , as we weren 't rushed to do much of anything this morning , and only wanted to get up to Oceanside to take Gracie up to the dog training session . We left the house with enough time to get there , and headed over to the gas station on MCRD , across the street . When we got on base we discovered there was some sort of a running event going on , and there must have been in the neighborhood of about 5 , 000 runners , since I saw some of the runner 's bibs numbered into the high 4 , 000 's . Anyway , this caused a bit of a delay in getting to the gas station , and then when we did finally get the gas , we were again delayed getting away from the gas station . Normally it would have taken us maybe 12 minutes to fill up , and this time it was closer to 30 . Some of the other drivers , behind us were getting a bit anxious , since it was taking so long . A couple of them got out of their cars , while we were waiting and walked up to me and asked what was going on . Not sure why I became the authority , but I did my best to explain , and they didn 't seem any happier . Anyway , we were on our way again . The drive up was relatively uneventful , even if we did arrive 35 minutes late . The other folks were already working with their dogs , so Jason and Gracie headed straight over while I closed up the van . Jason let them know that he was not going to be able to make the next week 's session , since we 're headed up to Livermore , but he should be back the following week . After the training I asked Jason if he 'd like to go home or go get something to eat . It was lunch time and the drive home usually takes a while as traffic bunches up right there . Jason suggested that we go try out Joe 's Crab Shack . We 'd heard about it , and even saw it the first time we came up for the training . So we headed over to the restaurant and as we got there we noticed that there was a kid 's fair going on , and there were plenty of people around . The trouble with the event was that for some reason they decided to set up in the parking area , right were there were the most handicap parking places . I had to drive around a bit , and finally found a spot , not too far away . I actually felt we were lucky to have gotten the spot , as it wasn 't too far from the restaurant . We went in , and ordered our lunches and enjoyed relaxing there for a little while . The food was good , and we didn 't have to wait too long , and soon we were done , and back out the door . We drove back down , close to the shore , since the freeway was still packed . This gave Jason and I some time to talk more , with no one else around , and it was very enjoyable . He talked about some of the things he was hoping to see happen in his life , and in the lives of the girls . He also talked a bit about where he might want to set his roots , and I was happy to hear that he liked the area . That doesn 't mean he wants to stay down in this area , but it does sound like moving out of state probably won 't happen . We got back to the house and immediately started to get ready to take his shower . He was just about done when the technician from Lincoln housing came over . I had called them earlier about the refrigerator , and was concerned that it wasn 't working correctly . The tech went over to work on the refrigerator and I finished up with Jason . The problem with the refrigerator was that the coil had frozen into a block of ice , and no air was able to pass through . The tech got the ice to " defrost " and it has worked well , ever since . The rest of the evening was watching some TV and taking care of a few other things , and now it is finally time for bed . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and all the support . Take care and stay positive . Jason spent the day at home , and I think it was something that he needed . Him staying down in bed , except for shower and dressing change , only helps the healing more . He did work on the leash he is weaving together , and it looks pretty good . He completed about 5 feet and he said that it was as long as he is going to be making that one . I think , since he wants to end up with one greater than 10 feet , he will work with at least twice the length of cord , as he was using on this latest one . I took care of a few things that I needed to get done , and I felt pretty good because I got them all done , including the smog check for my truck ( Jason 's old truck ) . The really big thing I got taken care of was making sure that the transportation plans are all in place so we can leave on October 5 . Tomorrow we will be heading up to the dog training class , so we will have to get out of the house for at least part of the day . I don 't think much else will be going on , so I might go for a short bike ride . I seem to feel better when I do that , and when I don 't I tend to get some aches and pains . I think I 've come to the realization that I 'm not 21 anymore . . . or even 31 for that matter . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I just realized I forgot to mention something , in yesterday 's post . . . It was the 777th blog post , since starting this blog a couple of years ago - okay , over 2 1 / 2 years ago . I hope it has been helpful for everyone who has been reading . Jason and I went to the gym this morning , and did a little exercising . Actually the trip over there was to see if he could actually take advantage of the gym here in the housing area , and he was to a very limited degree . The was it went was that we got up , and headed right over ; stayed for a little over 1 / 2 an hour and then came back . I spent my time on a stationary bike , and it did make my back feel better , though my hip started to tighten up a bit . How come you can get out of shape so fast and it takes forever to get back into shape ? After the gym we came right back home and took our showers . Jason wanted to go see the movie The Family , with Robert De Niro , and it was starting at 11 : 05 . The movie was entertaining , and even funny in a few places , since it is a comedy , and yet it still had the " bad guy " parts where there were far too many people killed . No cars were blown up , though a house was , as well as a storage tank , but I don 't want to give away too much of the movie . If you 've got some time to spare and you 're in the mood for some popcorn , I 'd say go see it . We got back to the house at about 13 : 30 ( 1 : 30pm ) and Jason wanted to work on his sewing project . He 's also started another project ( I think I mentioned it in an earlier post ) where he is weaving a leash for Gracie . He 's making some good progress on that one , as it is about four feet long know , and it is the second one he 's done . The first one is only about three feet , and he realized that he didn 't allow enough of the cord to get the length he wants . It should end up being about 10 feet or more , when he 's done . He wants to be able to wrap it around him , so that he doesn 't have to hold on to it . For dinner we had TOGOS sandwiches , and they were really good . We hadn 't been to a TOGOS in several weeks , so it was nice as a change . The rest of the day was just laid back and work on the stuff we wanted to . Jason is feeling pretty good , and I am also , as we both look forward to heading back up to Livermore , early next month for the concert . From what I understand if you are still interested in going , there are some tickets left so please don 't hesitate much longer . Thank you , for all the continued support and Take care and stay positive . It started off very much normal , and the first thing that we had to do was simply get up and get ready to go . The girls wanted breakfast so I let them pick out their clothes and then had them head out to the kitchen . It is really cute how they know the routine and want to help set the table and get the napkins and spoons while Grandpa grabs the bowls and the milk . They seem to have two favorite cereals , Cheerios and Kix . There are a few that others that they enjoy , but those two are their favorites . We dropped the girls off at about 08 : 00 and after the extended good - byes ( Stacy didn 't want us to leave today ) , we headed back to the house . Before we got into the house , well , actually before we even got out of the van , Jason said he wanted to head up to Miramar because he was contacted and his clothes are ready , or at least some of them are . We grabbed some water and got back into the van and we were off . Now that we have gone up to Miramar a couple of times it is quite easy to get there . . . usually . Today , however proved to be a little more challenging . I was one lane over too far to get the exit I wanted and the guy in the next lane over didn 't want to let me in . I 'm not sure if there was some issue he had , or if I had inadvertently cut him off or something , but as I slowed he slowed ; as I sped up he sped up ; and , eventually I couldn 't take the exit . I simply waited to the next exit and took that one and it only cost us an additional two miles . When we got on to the Marine Air Base , something tickled Jason 's thoughts because he suddenly said he would like to find the EOD folks on Miramar and go visit them . We drove around for about 5 minutes and came to this one building that was supposed to have some information for visitors . As it turned out there were two guys from EOD right there , so I asked them to come over to the van ( actually Jason spotted them and asked me to call them over ) . They came over and offered to lead us to the EOD site , and that 's how we managed to get there . They are located way the other side of the base , and I don 't think we would have been able to find the place , so it was fortunate they were there . We came in through their garage area , since there are no ramps , and Jason had a great time just talking with them and effectively reminiscing . Jason actually knew one of the guys there and all of them seemed to know many of the same people , so Jason could comfortably talk to them about all the stuff he knew and they did too . I think it was very good for him to do this - except that it did take up all our time , and he didn 't make it over to pick up the clothes . . . We may have to go over again tomorrow . I needed to get back to the house to work on some projects that I was responsible for , to have delivered to the PMI Chapter I belong to . I am on the Board of Directors and we had working session going on today , as well as an annual meeting coming up . I wanted to be sure that I was ready for the meeting and that it was as good a job as I could deliver . There were a couple of other interruptions and and a bunch of phone calls both taken and made , then finally I was able to finish what I wanted . I was able to get the information delivered and now there are some follow up meetings , but basically I 'm done . This means I was ready for the working session meeting that was held tonight . When it was over I felt both good and tired . Jason and I had not eaten , so we went out for a late dinner , and while there I got a chance to speak with Linda . That was probably the most relaxed call I had had all day . I don 't think tomorrow will be anything like today , and we will be able to enjoy this fall weather much more , maybe even hit the gym . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Easy day with very good weather , and time with the girls . The only thing that didn 't happen was to get outside and play with Stacy 's new " Stomp Rocket . " It was one of the gifts she got for her birthday , and she really liked playing with it . She 's been talking about learning more about rockets , and growing up to be able to launch bigger ones , all the way to the moon . We didn 't get out side because by the time she and Jackie were done playing their Bingo game it was getting too close to dinner and then it was too late to be playing over at the park . Jason and I went over to Costco to pick up a few things , and as hard as it is , sometimes , we went into Costco and only bought what we intended to get . We came out with spending less than $ 100 , and didn 't feel like we forgot anything . We came back to the house and kicked back for a few hours and then in the afternoon I went back over to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) to pick up the girls . Not sure what was going on , but the two classes were combined today , and it appeared that the girls ( in fact all the students ) were having a great time . They were all out side , when I arrived , and had been playing pretty hard . Stacy was out of breath , as she had just run across the yard to greet me , and Jackie was right there and jumped up and came and gave me a big hug . Hugs are always good , and when you get them from your grand kids they are even better . We got back home and the girls started playing in the Doodle Dome , and then Stacy wanted to play with her other toys and finally with the Bingo game . I had dinner ready by 18 : 15 ( 6 : 15pm ) and they were all done at 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) , and both of them ran back to watch cartoons in Daddy 's room . I left them alone for about a half an hour then it was bath time and finally time to get ready for bed . I read them a couple of stories , letting each of them pick one , and now I 'm playing catch up with the other stuff I want to get done . Finally , got to speak with Linda for a little while - she is working so hard on getting the house ready for the work that is about to be done there . I 'll be happy to be back up there , early next month , just to see what has been done . Thank you , all for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today is actually Stacy 's fifth birthday , and even though there wasn 't as much of a party , she still has a great day , and we had a good time before and after going to the CDC . Jason only had the one appointment today , and that was simply to get a blood test going ( he has to do a blood test every few months , as well as a urine test - they 're looking to make sure he is taking the medications like he is supposed to ) . Once we were done dropping off the girls and then having the blood drawn , we went over to MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) Exchange , so he could purchase a sewing machine . Yep , Jason is wanting to create a new " vest " for Gracie , his service dog . Actually he has a couple of projects in mind , and I think once he gets going he may start to crank out all kinds of projects . He has to learn ( re - learn ) how to do some of the sewing , since it has been so many years since Linda showed him how to sew , and he really didn 't have a lot of time while in Afghanistan , or on the Float ( 26 MEU ) so he 's gotten rusty , to say the least . Both Mom ( Linda ) and Joslyn ( our home health aid ) are going to be working to help Jason get going , but I do believe he will be doing most of the work himself . Funny thing is , just a short time ago he was offered an internship and he was pretty excited about that ; now he seems almost as excited to do the sewing . I guess it 's the creative side that is coming out . Our friend Anthony Netto is now riding a hand crank bike , one that Jason managed to get him , and he told us that he made 5K , and wants to start riding with me . I think it will be fun doing this , and it will be good to have someone to ride with , even if it is for a short distance . I can always continue on , or perhaps make a big loop and meet up on the way back . We 'll just have to see how it goes . Jason is officially on leave now , so tomorrow we 're sleeping in , or at least trying to . The girls will probably be getting us up earlier than we want . There are no appointments , and the girls don 't have to be over to their classes at any particular time , though we like to have them there by about 09 : 00 at the latest . Getting therm there at that hour gives us plenty of time to play some in the morning and still have time left over for a good breakfast . That 's about all for tonight , so stay tuned for the next installment . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Now that we 're into Fall , the weather starts to change and the leaves begin to change colors . Well , okay , that would be if there were the traditional weather season here . In San Diego they only have two seasons - late Spring and Early Spring . Winter and Summer only last about a week each so I don 't count them . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not complaining , I kind of like having a dependable weather pattern to deal with and I do generally wear shorts most of the year , as do many other folks around here , its rough , but I deal with it . . . ; - ) Anyway , that 's not what I meant to start the blog with , today . Jason is doing well and I am pleased to say that one of the areas of his wounds seems to have finally closed up . ( Of course now that I 've said that the skin is going to stretch and split open again ) . We spent so much time outside yesterday that Jason wanted to just stay in the house , and except for going to lunch with Anthony Netto and Angelica he spent most of the day in bed . The good thing about the luncheon , besides the food , was that we got to just sit and talk about the up coming concert and some of the logistics that needed to be taken care of . Anthony tends to be a busy guy so this was a good time to go over all the different items and timing of different things . Stacy and Jackie had a great day today . One of the gifts that Stacy received was a Stomp Rocket . Grandma and Grandpa took the girls to the local park and let the girls play with it for almost an hour . There was another mom there with her boys ( about the same age and the girls ) and Stacy invited them to come and have some fun with them . All of them were having a great time and it just another sign that Stacy is maturing so well and ready to get into kindergarten . Tomorrow Linda will be heading back home , and we 'll be doing our best to get along without her , again . I 'll be heading up to Livermore in a couple of weeks , with Jason and the girls , so we get to see her again , and I 'll be spending some quality time with her , so it isn 't too bad . I just wish we didn 't have to deal with this gaps . Anyway , thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Stacy woke this morning excited to celebrate her birthday ; she wore one of her princess dresses and kept asking when were we going to be going to her party at the park . I went ahead early in the truck , to secure tables and set up the decorations . Linda drove Jason and the girls later ( getting her name on the van lease was such a good idea ) and brought the cake and balloons . It win as a low turnout of kids to help celebrate , and I attribute that to my poor kid - party planning skills , though I am still learning more things all the time . The kids still had a good time and because we had so much food left over Jason simply " donated " the extra pizza to a gathering of a group of people who were sitting relatively close by ( I think it was a group like AA , though we didn 't really know who they were ) . Actually , the rest of the day was relaxed , and we ALL got a chance to take a little nap . When we were all up and moving again we got to work putting things away and general clean up . Linda got busy a little while later fixing dinner for the family , and Jason ( I guess I should say , " Daddy " ) was busy helping Stacy build her Tangled Castle . I was glad he was doing it because there are some smaller pieces that he can see better than I can and it was good father - daughter time . Jason 's leave time officially begins today , so that the next 30 days ( I think ) he doesn 't have to worry about formation or anything other than taking care of medical issues , and even those are simply related to issues that might come up and prescription and supply refills . Right now we are in pretty good shape on all accounts and I think the next several days are going to be spent figuring out what we need to do to make sure our trip up to Livermore , coming up soon , is as close to perfect as we can get . Thank you , for all the continued prayer and support ( it really seems to be helping us significantly right now ) . Take care and stay positive . Hooray ! Linda is with us again ! She came in tonight on a Southwest flight and we were very happy to see her . The flight was over 30 minutes late , but then what 's new . The only bad thing associated with it was the fact that Southwest hadn 't contacted me about the delay . I always leave my phone number so they can call me , allowing me the freedom to relax a little instead of hurrying down to the airport to pick her up . We spent well over a half hour just driving in circles - I just love the way airlines have gone , and service has really taken a back seat . Anyway , Jason had a formation and an appointment today , and then that was it for the day . We did have some things to do , so that we could prepare for Stacy 's birthday celebration tomorrow , and we knocked those out of the way quickly . We got back to the house and Jason got back in bed , with the hopes that he 'd get some rest in prior to heading out to the airport . I kicked back for a little while , though I did bring down a load of clothes so that Linda would have less to worry about . I went to pick up the girls but then found out , after I got back , that the girls had been at their mom 's house and didn 't even go in to day care today . The girls came in and they were all full of energy and so happy to be with us . We played for a little while and I helped Jackie in the Doodle Dome ( a tent like structure that has a light reactive surface so that when you make a line or figure on that surface it stays the way for several seconds , Jason bought it for them ) , the girls both love it . I have been dealing with sciatic pain these past several days , and the pain has been getting progressively worse . I 'm afraid that if it continues through the weekend I will be needing to go to the VA and ask to have something done . The funny thing is that whenever I can get a little exercise in , the pain goes away , so I 'm going to do my best to get more exercise in . It might be a challenge with Stacy 's party tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason played a little basketball today , and I was able to get a few pictures of it , to share with everyone . He is doing well , and we really didn 't do much else today . We got up , ate breakfast , and then Anthony Netto came over , and we went to go shoot some hoops . While he was doing that both Anthony and I were taking pictures . Afterward , we went to lunch and then turned and came back to the house . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and that was pretty much that for the day . I am pretty excited about his weekend , as Linda is coming down for a short visit . Actually it is timed to coincide with Stacy 's birthday - she 's turning five ! Linda will be able to stay through the entire weekend , so I get two full days of her , besides the evening tomorrow and the morning on Monday ( that 's when she has to fly back ) . Not much else going on , so please enjoy the photos . . . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . I was surprised this morning , with the early rise of Jason . Typically he is awake when I come down , and he was again today - that 's nothing new - so I went in to help the girls get ready . By the time I had Jackie up and dressed , Jason was at the door , ready to brush Jackie 's hair . This was a very good thing , as far as I was concerned , since I still had to get Stacy moving . Between the two of the girls , Stacy is the one who likes to stay in bed longer , and can be a little difficult to get going sometimes . Anyway , I got her up and I let her pick out her clothes , with a little help from Grandpa . Once she was dressed she went over to Daddy and let him do her hair , too . I was so very happy to see Jason getting more involved with the girls morning routine . I like him doing more and more . We went to the base and dropped the girls off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , and then on to his first appointment . The first appointment was with the folks in physical therapy , where Dawn worked him pretty good . What was particularly good about that was that he was feeling good afterward . The next appointment was with the nurse practitioner so it was a very short visit , probably no more than 20 minutes . Then on to the last appointment with Dr . Kim . When we were all done with the appointments we went to go have breakfast . We hadn 't had time to eat breakfast prior to coming over , so we wanted to have something now . The girls get to eat at the CDC , and they kind of like doing that once in awhile , so we weren 't worried about them being fed . We headed on back home and spent the rest of the day at the house , and just kind of did nothing much for a little while . Anthony Netto called and asked if he could come over , as he was looking for a photo , and he knows I have a bunch of them on the laptop . As it turned out , we spent about two hours looking through all the pictures I have , and couldn 't find what he wanted , though I found some that I had forgotten about . The rest of the day and into the night we still didn 't do much , other than my email and taking care of a few things . Tomorrow there is no appointments , so we can sleep in , and I might not get up until 07 : 00 . Thank you for all the support and continued prayers . Take care and stay postive . Today was a good day for Jason , and the rest of us actually . Jason didn 't have any appointments , though we thought he did . Both of us made the same mistake in looking at the schedule ( a new schedule is printed out each time a new appointment is made , and the old one discarded ) , and thought there was an appointment . We got up to the clinic and found out that we didn 't need to be there we just turned around and left . He wanted to head over to do some shopping for Stacy , anyway . Her birthday is coming up and he was looking for a specific gift . We got to the store and there it was , so the price was good and he bought it . I think I 'll make him wrap it , but then again , he 'll probably just ask Mom to wrap it , when she gets here on Friday . I ordered the birthday cake , and was assured it would be ready on Friday , and that was about the extent of all our running around . We did have one other thing happen , that I thought was pretty cool - Jason was offered an internship with one of the defense contractors . They are local , and the work they are doing is something that is of great interest to Jason , so he is probably going to take it . Of course this would change some of the other plans on where he wants to live , but that 's okay - the San Diego area isn 't a bad place to settle down , and the girls seem to enjoy the area and weather , too . I 'll keep you appraised on what happens , as we get more information and progress is made . Tomorrow the girls go back to the other home for a couple of days , and then back with us on Friday . We DO have appointments tomorrow , so we will be spending some time at the base . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a do nothing day , and I 'm glad it went that way . Well , actually Jason did go to get a hair cut , so I had to drive him over to the barber shop on MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) , and he also got cleaned up and a dressing change . Other than those couple of things , we just didn 't do much around here . I 'm glad because my back is giving me some trouble . I think I 'm going to need to see somebody tomorrow if it doesn 't start to feel better . I hope everyone has had a chance to see the video now , and has a better feel for just exactly who Jason is and where he came from . You 'll have to wait for the book to get details , and I guess I need to start working on it , if I ever hope to get it done . Although , procrastination is one of the thing I do best . . . ; - ) Tomorrow we have to get moving early as there is a formation for Jason ( every Monday and Friday ) , and he hasn 't missed one yet . We also get the girls back tomorrow , for a couple of days and that is going to be fun . I watched the 49ers lose to the Sea Hawks tonight , and wonder what happened . Seattle played well , for the most part , and every once in a while so did SF . They just couldn 't get their act together for some reason . Oh well , I 'm tired and I think I 'll just go to bed now . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . This is the video that was created for the concert that is coming up in October . If you can make it to the event it would really be great to see you there . It is taking place in Livermore , CA , at the Wente Vineyard outdoor theater . Video Created for the Warriors Concert at Wente Vineyards Not much else to post today , as Jason and I pretty much spent the entire day at home , and really didn 't do much more than we absolutely had to do . Except for the boxes Jason wanted to go through in the garage , about 8 of them , we just talked , and rested . . . and watched some TV . As for the boxes . . . we did find what he was looking for , and he was pretty happy about it . It was a binder that had all his military history , prior to being sent off on the 26 MEU , and then Afghanistan . I got up at about 07 : 10 and went down stairs , after cleaning up and brushing my teeth , and asked him if he would like some breakfast . For the past four days he hasn 't had any breakfast because there just wasn 't enough time to eat , and still get to class . Today was different , since the class , for him , didn 't begin until about noon . I cooked some pancakes and eggs , and I think he was pretty happy about it . Typically he doesn 't get that unless it is the weekend . Anyway , it was a slow and relaxed start to the day . I finished up some laundry that I needed to do , including the folding and putting away , and then we went over to MCRD ( Marine Corps Recruit Depot ) where his class was . I let him off at class and went over to the base gas station to put some fuel into the van , then head over to Costco . Actually I debated this a little , wondering if the gas at Costco might be cheaper than on base ; as it turned out I made the right choice and got the MCRD gas , which was $ . 04 cheaper . Then at Costco I bought some things we needed , or were running low on . I had told Jason I was going to do this , so he knew we would have stuff in the house when he came back home , and we wouldn 't have to leave again . Just about the time I came home and finished putting things away I got a call from Jason saying that he would probably be getting out at 15 : 00 ( 3pm ) , instead of an hour later . I told him I would be there at three and if he wasn 't out I 'd just wait . As it turned out , he wasn 't out and I waited . . . for about 15 minutes , so it wasn 't too bad . He hadn 't had any lunch so he was starting to get hungry , as was I . We ended up heading over to a new restaurant , Gordon Birsch ( I think is the name ) and we had a nice early dinner . There were a few other people there , but the crowds actually didn 't start showing up until we were leaving , and that was okay by me . We came home and he took his shower , with dressing change and then got in bed . Tomorrow we will be heading over to Buddy Todd Park , for the dog training , though I think they should call it people and dog training , as the people are trained as much as the dogs . Weather is supposed to be good , so it should be a nice morning for them . I just hope there are fewer vehicles than there were last week . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Today was the last day of the early morning classes , and tomorrow Jason doesn 't have to be there until about noon . What this really means ? ? Jason and I get to sleep in a little ! Today was another early start , and Jason was over at the class before 07 : 30 , by about 10 minutes or so , and I picked him back up at 11 : 00 , almost exactly . The funny thing is that I attempted to gain access to the base , that would have allowed me to have enough time to get to the class room , so that I could have picked up Jason just as he came out side . As it was though , the guard at the gate , the same gate I 've been coming into all week , had a patrol office there that wasn 't aware of the rules or something . He redirected me over to the main gate , and then I was allowed in . I wouldn 't complain too much about this except that it looked to me as though he was doing it with everybody ! Both of the vehicles in front of me were also over at the main gate , gaining access . When they use the Marines to man the shacks at the gates , there doesn 't seem to be any problems . When they use these contractors there always seems to be something I have to do to get on base . I just wish they 'd be consistent . Anyway , we got back to the house and we had lunch . Shortly after lunch , Jason was asleep and he remained that way until almost 18 : 00 ( 6pm ) . Shortly after he woke he took a shower and I changed his dressings , and then we had a lite dinner . Neither of us was very hungry , and the vegetable - beef soup was actually pretty good . While Jason was sleeping I did some laundry , and there really wasn 't much else to do tonight so it worked out pretty good . The only other thing I did today , while Jason was in class , was to go for a short bike ride . It was about 12 miles and I did it in under an hour , so I was feeling pretty good about it . . . especially since there weren 't any mechanical issues . Tomorrow is Friday , and at this point we don 't have any plans for doing anything more than hang around the house . I took care of the Microsoft Office issue today , so now all I have to do is wait for them to send me the voucher that will allow me to get another key . Of course this is going to take over a month , so I still don 't have the tools I paid for , but that 's Micro $ oft for you . Not to worry , I can still do just about everything else I want to do , and I have access to the web . September 11 , came and there were a number of events throughout the city of San Diego , just as I am sure there are all over the country . Even with those events , in place to allow those , who were killed by this terrorist attack , to be remembered and , to honor those who stepped up to do what they could to show that this country remains strong . I am very proud of Jason and what he has done , serving the nation in the capacity he has , and he continues to impress me , and others with all that he continues to do . This morning we went over to his training , and then I took the girls to their Child Development Center ( CDC ) . I had a few things to take care of in the morning , and at about 11 : 00 Jason called me ( and txt 'd me ) to let me know he was ready for pick up . We had lunch and then I called Linda , so she could hear the news . . . Jason has invited both of us to the Marine Ball , coming up in November . This is really a big thing , as neither of us has ever been to one , so you can imagine that Linda was pretty excited about it . I 'm pretty happy about it as well , and expect that it will be a fun event for all of us . Once we got home we had a chance to do a little relaxing , and to take care of a few other things . I was hoping to get MS Office working on the computer , but the " key " that MS said I have to use was damaged , so I now have to try to work with them via the phone , rather than being able to go back to Best Buy to get a new key . By the time I found out what I actually had to do I found out that I had to call them by 17 : 00 ( 5pm ) and it was 17 : 15 ( 5 : 15pm ) when I found this out . Now I am going to have to attempt it again tomorrow . In my opinion , MS has far too much influence and power in this country , but that 's my opinion . Tomorrow will be another day of training for Jason and then back to the house . Finally Friday will be the last day and then we can get to next week , and back to a more " normal " setting and routine . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . Day two of Jason 's TRS training , and again we had an early start . The day did start a little differently this time , though as the girls wanted breakfast and we actually had the time for them to eat a bowl of cereal . I felt pretty good when they said they wanted breakfast , as that , to me , meant that they were eating more of what they wanted here , than at the school . We dropped Jason off and then headed over to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) . Dropping them off is always kind of a game , with the girls saying good - bye and then me trying to get out of the class room . They usually come running over to me , holding on to my arm or legs and wanting one more hug and kiss . This usually takes about five to six minutes to get through , and they both tend to do it . The blessing is that I usually don 't have a time constraint , so the extra 10 - 12 minutes is no big deal . I did get in another short bike ride today , where I rode up to the bike shop to put some air in the tires and apparently , as I removed the pump from the stem , I broke the stem on the valve . This means that the air in the tire was able to remain in the tire , but I won 't be able to fill it again . It also means the air will tend to " bleed " out a little faster , since there is no stem on the valve to pull it closed tighter . I got back to the house and had to immediately go get Jason , and then I brought him back to the house . From that point on it was more of a typical day , much like Monday was . Joslyn , out home health aid ( Larry 's replacement ) comes in and really does a great job of helping around the place . When she comes in , it is only a matter of a few minutes that I am back out , going to pick up the girls . The girls really like her as well , so that makes it even that much better . This evening I fixed the girls their favorite ( this week ) , hamburgers . Jackie ate more than Stacy , but that isn 't anything unusual . After dinner we cleaned up and played around the house . Jason was sleeping so I had to come up with something quite for them to do , and allowed them to build a " tent " in their room . This lasted for a little while , and they were entertained for the time . Jackie is at that age where she jumps from one thing to the next , and never really puts much time on any one thing . It also means she tends to leave things laying around the house , so we constantly pick up after her . Fortunately Stacy is much more focused on what she does , and she doesn 't create as much of a " trail " as she moves about . Tomorrow , as I take them to the CDC we won 't see them again until Monday , so we will miss them , but we 're getting used to the pattern more . Today started out early , with Jason needing to be over at his TRS ( not sure what the letters mean , other than something to do with transitioning ) training , over at MCRD . I initially thought we were going to be going over to Miramar , but this morning Jason said it was at MCRD . The good news is that it is effectively just across the street from his house . The tougher part was that access to the depot is a little tighter , and we had to make people aware that I would be going back and forth , without Jason in the van . It all worked out , and Jason got to class with time to spare and I was allowed back on to the depot with not problems at all . After dropping Jason off I took the girls up to Balboa , to the Child Development Center ( CDC ) , so the girls could get to their respective classes , and then I simply came back to the house and figured I 'd wait to hear from Jason , as to when he wanted to be picked up . Shortly after arriving back home it occurred to me that I had some time available to me that I had not had in several weeks , and decided to go for a much needed bike ride . I sent Jason and text and then took off a few minutes later . It was a nice ride , as there really wasn 't much traffic , with the commute being over and lunch traffic not having started yet . There were just a relatively small number of pedestrians around and so my ride along the harbor was almost like a Sunday morning ride . It was a regular loop that I have made several times and by the time I was done with the 12 mile ride , I was pretty tired . I knew I had not ridden in several weeks , like I said earlier . I guess as you get a little older you get further out of shape much faster , and I really don 't like that . I need to find the time and discipline to ride more often . The rest of the day was spent hanging around the house and talking to various folks on the phone , and keeping my email up - to - date . It was a nice day to kind of relax . I went to pick up the girls when I went over to purchase some printer ink , and a few other things . Then tonight we had spaghetti with sausages for dinner . Anthony Netto had come over for dinner , so it was a great chance to discuss some plans with him and to just kick back and have some carefree conversation . I am hopeful that tomorrow is as much fun . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support coming our way . Take care and stay positive . Today was a day basically spent at home and it was nice just relaxing and having the girls to play with . They spent some time with Jason , in his room and with me around the rest of the house . We had our pancake breakfast , and Stacy helped with the making of the pancakes . After lunch the girls took their naps , and Jason took his shower ; then , after they got up we all went shopping at Target , to buy a few things for Stacy and a couple things for Jackie . The good news is that most of the clothes that Stacy grows out of , Jackie can put on , and Jason doesn 't have to buy new clothes for her . He still does , to make sure she doesn 't feel left out , but it is so nice to have all these ready to use clothes . The realization is that in a few years I don 't know if that is still going to be done . Jackie is built differently than Stacy , and I suspect that she will soon be wearing larger sizes as she gets older and Stacy 's clothes are always going to fit . When the girls went to bed tonight I read two stories to them , since they each have a bed . What I had been doing is sitting on the edge of Stacy 's bed and reading a story to them at night , and now that they both have beds , I have to sit on both of their beds , and thus I read two stories . It really doesn 't take too much time to do the stories , so I don 't mind , and the girls get extra time with Grandpa . Next week is going to be a little different , in that we still take the girls to Balboa and drop them off at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) ; and , then we head over to Mirimar for a special training class for Jason . It will be going on for at least a week , and after the training we come back to the CDC to pick the girls back up . The thing is , this is supposed to be a one - week class , or training , and Jason can not stay up for the entire eight - hour class sessions . I don 't know if that means he will have to go for two weeks or what , so my guess is we 'll find something out tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers - Take care and stay positive . We all got up a little later than usual this morning , so that caused a change of plans for breakfast . I was originally going to be fixing pancakes and eggs for breakfast , but had to switch to the back up , cereal , because we were too short of time . That 's okay , as I will do the pancake thing tomorrow . . . ; - ) We all went to Jason 's and Gracie 's dog training lessons at the park , in Oceanside , and while he was there the girls and I went and played at the park and on the swings . As it turned out , there was a bunch of things going on , including an antique car club gathering . There were all kinds of trailers around and people doing dog grooming , with a particular focus on poodles . You know , those Standard Poodles are pretty big dogs , even if they do look a little on the silly side with those hair cuts . The girls were all over the place , though they mostly wanted to play on the swings . We also climbed the tree again , and they played on the jungle gym and train , and when we were ready to head back over to where Jason was , Stacy decided she wanted to run the jogging trail back to where Jason and Gracie were . That was fine with me , as it was less than 1 / 4 mile , and I really didn 't have to move too fast to keep up . Before we were there Jackie asked me to pick her up and carry her the rest of the way , and then Stacy did the same as we got there . Fortunately the class was just about over so we didn 't have to wait too long , to get back to the van , so we could head on home . That 's where it got a little crazy with so many people there . As the girls and I got to the van , we noticed a line of antique cars parked in a line , right behind the van . I was stuck . When we had arrived there was very limited parking , and no handicap parking to be had . I had to let Jason out first and then go park where I could . Jason was now waiting over by the ramp and we were stuck in our parking spot . The owner / driver of this cool looking old Ford pickup came running up ( I was actually a little concerned as he wasn 't a young guy , and didn 't look to be in too good of shape - about like me I guess ) I told him he didn 't need to run , but I did appreciate him coming back quickly . He moved and we got out and went over to pick up Jason and Gracie . The drive home was pretty easy , compared to the ones in the past , so I was happy about that . We got into the house and I immediately fixed them lunch . We , Jason and I , were actually kind of surprised that the girls weren 't asleep , though that was probably a good thing . After lunch they all laid down and that was pretty much the day . After the girls got up they spent a bunch of time with Daddy , in his bed , where he read to them and they watched some cartoons . Then tonight , after dinner and their bath he read them a story before they went to sleep . I was very happy to see this , and felt good about it as well . Anyway , thank you , for all the continued support and all the prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a good day , as we got the chance to speak with the right folks with regard to the modifications needed for his wheelchair . There is going to be action done to make a " tilt " feature on the chair , and that is designed to help alleviate some of the pressure on the wounds , and even on areas that have already healed over . The good news is that the changes won 't take long to do , once all the parts are received , and that leads us to the less - good news , as it will take some time to get the parts , though they may come in more quickly . Jason is feeling good , and he is getting a good work out , each time he goes into PT . Dawn is the therapist that Jason usually works with , and Mike jumps in to help on those times when Dawn isn 't there yet , or has the day off . The good thing is that Mike is one of the senior therapists there and really knows what he is doing , so Jason has two very qualified and good people working on him . While Jason is being worked on in PT I usually just sit and visit with him and the others for a little while , and then I 'll walk around C5 and visit with whomever happens to be there , that I am familiar with . Since we 've been connected with Balboa for almost two years now , we 've gotten to know just about everyone . We got the girls today , and they will be with us for the next five days , so that part is really good . The only thing that would make it better is if Linda were here as well . The girls really do love their Grandma , and ask for her each time they come over . Jackie is loving her new bed , and I think she is looking forward to sleeping in it for more than just one day , so that is one of the exciting things for this time . Tomorrow we will be taking Jason and Gracie up to their training lessons , so the girls and I will be playing at the park . I 'm thinking that I will get up and go with pancakes , since everyone seems to like those , and a good hearty breakfast will help to hold us through the morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers , and take care and stay positive . Today , Jason and I went to the base , and dropped of the girls at the Child Development Center ( CDC ) and then headed over to his appointments ( and my one appointment , too ) . We were all done before noon , and then headed back to the house , so he could take a shower and relax . We were also given tickets to go see the Giants and the Padres play , and the seats we were given were very nice seats , indeed . As it turned out the Padres organization had people there to greet us , as we got to the gate , and had made arrangements for us to come in through the VIP gate . Only trouble with that was that I wasn 't told until after we had arrived that we were supposed to do that , so we came in through the Home Plate gate , which is right next to it . We still were escorted to our seats , as the people who were sent to great us , found us quickly . Our tickets were actually supposed to be along first base side , but they knew we are Giants fans , so they arranged for us to sit on the third base side , and in fact , RIGHT NEXT TO the Giants dugout . It was really cool . The team arrived while I went to go get some food for Jason and I ( I didn 't have to , as there was a person assigned to get us whatever we wanted , but I wanted to just go take a look ) . Also while I was gone , the Giants sent over a representative and gave Jason a " game ball " , and then later one of the foul balls that was hit in their direction . I was nearly hit by another foul ball , and didn 't catch it either , but it was still cool . Anyway , we stayed for most of the game , but then had to leave as Jason was uncomfortable , so we left right after the 6th inning . The Giants finally won the game 15 to 9 , with most of the runs scored after we left ( I guess it got kind of crazy ) . I did get some good pictures , though none of them being pictures of Jason with the players . We would have had to have gotten there an hour earlier than we did . Maybe next time . . . The rest of the day is devoted to trying to catch up on a few other things at the house and getting some rest . Thank you for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had formation this morning , and then we needed to get up to General Surgery ( that 's what they call the area where he goes for general examination and getting prescriptions refilled ) to see some of the folks there . I also picked up a few supplies while we were there , just to be sure we had plenty . We then went and visited a few of the other people down in C5 , and gave them a few updates on his condition and then finally over to the ASYMCA - Armed Services YMCA . All together we were in and out of the base in a a matter of a couple of hours , and then headed back to the house . Not much else going on , other than to say we 're going to be attempting another outing tomorrow , as we have been given tickets to the Giants / Padres game . We ended up with a bad experience when we went to the football game , over at Qualcomm Stadium , so we hope that this one will be better . Pet Co Park is a new facility and from what we 've heard is supposed to be much more in tuned with ADA type needs . Anyway , I 'll let you all know how it works out . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Jason and I had a pretty good day today , as Jackie 's new bed is now together and set up for her . The mattress people said they would have it here by noon and at 12 : 08 there was a knock on the door . They didn 't hit their time , but they were close enough . After they brought the stuff in and the bed was set up Jason and I headed off to Target and purchased sheets and other such stuff . The funny part is , I am sure the girls are still going to fight over who " owns " which sheet set or blanket , and we 'll have to get them to understand sharing . All part of growing up . . . and its wonderful . Tomorrow we have to be over at the base for Jason 's 07 : 30 formation , and I would like to get to bed early tonight . So with that , I 'll say , good night . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . An interesting day for Jason and I , as we went out and found a new mattress and box for Jackie , and they will have it delivered here tomorrow morning . Now all I have to do is take down the crib and put up the new bed . Other than making a quick run to the grocery store we spent the rest of the day at home . I did some laundry and a few other odds and ends , but otherwise just relaxed . Tomorrow is labor day , and we have some things planned , like putting the new bed together , and just enjoying the weather , even if it is a bit warmer than usual . San Diego generally has moderate weather , and seldom gets about 80 to 85 degrees around here . These last few days it has been in the 90 's and that is pretty warm , especially with the humidity running up around 80 % . I know it gets worse in some other areas of the country , but that is extreme for around here . Jason is taking it all in stride , and does his best to avoid the hotter times of the day . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers - take care and stay positive . It was brought to my attention that the connection / link to the concert isn 't working , and there are a few folks out there who are wanting to purchase tickets . I have asked about why this is the state of the website and am waiting on a reply . My guess is that someone slipped and this was thought to have been done but obviously isn 't . Because it is a holiday weekend it probably won 't be corrected until Tuesday at the soonest , so I ask that you hang in there and please be patient . It will be corrected though . Take care and stay positive .

Since we 've started packing for the move , I 've been looking at what things to toss and what things to keep . I found a photo album last week or so and it happened to have a picture of the scum that I " dated " before my current boyfriend in it . The one who was married with two children and lied to me about it . I saw the picture and I got upset all over again , but something else needed my attention so I just closed the album without removing the picture . Now I can 't get the fucker out of my head . Don 't get me wrong . There is absolutely nothing wrong between me and my current boyfriend ; we haven 't been fighting and everything has been going really well . There is absolutely no reason that I shouldnt ' be thinking about my man instead of the garbage before . But the asshole keeps coming across my thoughts and it really makes me mad . I keep telling myself that my boyfriend is the best man for me and that I 'm really happy with him , so there 's no reason to think about anyone else . But I 'm thinking I never got closure from the ex . I never got to beat the shit out of him for putting me in that position . I never got to tell his wife that he was cheating on her and had done it before to warn her of who she was sharing her life with . He 's been in my dreams for the past three or four nights . So has my boyfriend , but the ex always appears first . It 's tearing me up because it 's starting to make me feel like I 'm hiding something from BF or that I 'm mentally cheating on him , even though I can 't control my dreams . Is it just a matter of forcing myself to think about BF to replace the random thoughts that pop up every time they do ? Is it a matter of finding that picture again and ripping it to shreds to release the emotional hold it obviously has on me ? Do I burn the picture instead ? I didn 't blog yesterday . But the night before , my man came over and we talked some more about how I was feeling so down . I don 't know what kind of superpower this man has over me but he talked me through another down period . I guess I need to quit thinking about the future and just focus on what 's right in front of me , even if it means a breakup later down the road . But he pulled me back to my normal self , and I 'm thankful for that . Now we 're going camping this weekend and I really hope it 's a great time . On the way to work today , I saw that a Texas State Trooper had pulled someone over . Those lights , that uniform , the emblem on the door bring back so many good memories . I can still smell my dad 's uniform and that leather belt and boots that he wore , the ones that he made look so good . The Trooper that I could see ( there was one talking to the driver and another watching that trooper 's back ) was such a cutie , too . ; P I wore my Texas Department of Public Safety necklace that my dad gave me when he retired , and it made me feel like there was a connection between me and those Troopers . Officers , Sheriffs , Deputies , Troopers are all family , and it angered me and worried me that when I looked in the mirror , the traffic behind me was not pulling over to the opposite lane to give the Troopers a full lane of space . I have seen many Law Enforcement Officers get hurt badly because people don 't move over , or at least slow down to 15 under the speed limit if moving over is not an option . Please , move over and give my family their space to work . When I got to work , there was someone new in the parking lot . Someone with a giant blue dodge ram . I didn 't capitalize its name for a reason . There 's that moment when you see or smell or hear something that reminds you of the person who broke your heart because his marriage wasn 't enough for him so he lied to you in order to get you into his life . He told me he was divorced and that she was living in Florida . He told me he didn 't have girls over to his barracks room because it 's disrespectful . He told me he could only see me at lunch because he always had to work late , so he drove over the mountain at least once a week to pick me up for lunch and … . have me for lunch if you get me . After I searched for him on facebook and saw his profile , I did not add him but asked him whether he had a profile and he said that he did not . And that 's when I started doing more research , because the next day he had blocked me from seeing his profile . One of my friends looked at his profile and his friends list for me and we found his wife . She was , in fact , living here , and they were still very much married , with two children . I had fallen for this man out of sheer stupidity , and I hate that I fell so hard and so quickly , and I hate that there are still so many things that remind me of him . There 's " our song , " every f - ing blue dodge I see on the road , sometimes even my man will say something and it sounds like something the ex would have said . I just want to be over him . But all these things that remind me of him are there , and now there might be that giant blue dodge that looks just like the ex 's in my work parking lot every day if he is a new employee . I just want him out of my life and out of my head … . So I 'm talking to my ex , right ? And he tells me he was with someone who 's dating someone else . And he seems pretty okay with it . So I 'm surprised that he would do that , considering he doesn 't like cheating ; he begged me so much not to cheat on him , and yet he was with a taken girl and therefore involved in cheating as " the other party . " He says the girl wasn 't happy with her boyfriend anyway and she wasn 't planning on staying with him long , even though right now she 's still with him . I 'm trying to decide whether to tell him that I was in the same situation he 's in right now . I hope I make the right decision … Wish me luck Leah went back to sit on the bed , waiting for Charlie to wake up . That was the last straw . She needed to talk to him about what was going on . He must have felt her presence close to him but not relaxed , because he woke up just minutes later . " Of course they can . But it 's very rare . And not so soon after the recipient gets mystery calls all the time that he doesn 't want his wife to hear but calls that she hears anyway . " " I overheard your phone conversation the other night . Saying you can 't wait to see that person again and that you would take a nice bath with them with some wine . That you 're coming up on a relationship milestone . " Charlie shifted , laying on his back and staring at the ceiling . He took a deep breath and began explaining . " Leah , I love you more than life itself . But I 've recently discovered that you 're not the only one I love . " " He came into the shop yesterday . Bought a set of dog tags and asked me to engrave them . So today is your one month mark with him ? " Charlie immediately got up and went to Leah , kneeling in front of her and reaching up to put his hands on her shoulders . He was about to start speaking , but he stopped . " Hang on , " he said , getting up and going to the bathroom . Charlie returned , taking his spot on his knees in front of her again and placing his hands on her shoulders once more . " Leah , I didn 't turn to Ryan because of anything you did . You have done nothing but give me everything I want , and you have taken care of me very well , and I still love you more than life itself . You 're still so , so important to me . " " But once when I was out with the guys , I met Ryan . He and I talked a lot that night , and when the guys decided to go to another bar , I stayed to keep talking to Ryan . He bought me several drinks , and we went to a part of the bar that was a little more quiet , and he was telling me about how he used to be straight , but he wanted to try being with another man once , and he was hooked . He isn 't completely gay , he still loves being with women too , but he likes to be with men as well . " " Not that night . But yes , that 's what happened in essence . It 's just different being with him than it is being with you . " " It 's still cheating , Charlie . When we talked about maybe bringing in another woman and how that wouldn 't be cheating , that was because you would be right there with us . It 's not cheating if everyone agrees . You were hiding this from me completely . I only found out because I overheard your phone conversation and then Ryan came into the shop and I saw the same wrapping paper I used on those dog tags in our bathroom trash can . " Charlie didn 't seem to know what to say to that . He just stared into Leah 's eyes and when he saw the tears fall from them , tears welled up in his own eyes as well . After a moment , he said , " I 'm sorry , baby . I don 't know what to say other than ' I 'm sorry . ' " " Well , didn 't you tell me once that you 'd be open to bringing in another man as well ? In the same conversation where we were talking about bringing in another woman ? " Charlie asked , desperate to keep Leah from being upset . " Charlie Sheen is Charlie Sheen . He can do whatever he wants because he 's Charlie Sheen . And I believe his ' goddesses ' are mostly there for him , not that they were together and then joined him . This is something where you have a lover on the side and you want to keep him , so you 're asking me if I want to share you with him . This is you trying not to have to make a choice . " " You married me , Charlie . You made a commitment to me . The fact that you have someone else now that you 're adding into the mix tells me that that commitment means nothing to you . That you just want to keep doing what you 're doing and try to make it seem like the best thing for everyone . " " You 'd really like Ryan , though . And I think he would really like you , too . You just might fall in love with him , as easily as you fall in love . " " And you lied to me and you were hiding phone calls with him from me and … . You know what , that 's why I let you have guy time and I don 't beg to come along with you . I trusted that you would remember that I 'm your wife and I 'm supposed to be the one satisfying you . I trusted that you wouldn 't go off and hide things from me . This isn 't even about you being with a man now , it 's about trust and how you broke mine . " Leah had given Charlie something else he couldn 't find an answer to . She shook her head again and went to the closet to get dressed . She couldn 't stand to be in the house with him for another minute with how upset she was . She didn 't even care if Charlie brought Ryan over while she was gone . She just needed to get out of the house . She called her best friend Marlene and explained the situation as she was driving , and Marlene graciously invited Leah over to her house immediately . Leah spent over three hours with Marlene , crying and drinking the Jack Daniels bourbon Marlene kept in the house and crying more , and Marlene kept up with her in sympathy . Leah didn 't know where to start when it came to thinking of a solution . That evening when Leah decided it was time to go home , she was thoroughly intoxicated , so she left her vehicle at Marlene 's house and called a cab to take her home . She managed to unlock the front door and make her way to the couch , lying down and turning on the television to select a movie she didn 't really need to concentrate on . She heard footsteps in the kitchen and sat up to look . Charlie was there , and Ryan was with him . They were apparently making dinner and Leah hadn 't even noticed . The men stopped what they were doing and looked at her , and she looked at them . She only held their gaze for a few seconds , however ; her body decided it was time that she fall asleep until her drunkenness had subsided . When she woke up , she was in her bed with the covers over her . She remembered what had happened the day before , and she was surprised that she had ended up in bed instead of the men leaving her on the couch . She pulled the blanket back and found that they had even changed her clothes . There was also a note on the bed next to her pillow . It read : " Leah , I 've told Ryan about you , and he thinks the three of us could make it work . It 's up to you what you 'd like to do , but until you make your decision , I 'm going to give you some space to think , and I 'm staying with Ryan . I hope we can work things out . Much love , Charlie . " " Well , you kind of made my choice for me , didn 't you ? Staying with Ryan instead of with me while I think about things . I hope you 're happy with him , since you chose him over your wife . " Leah thought , and went to the kitchen to find the telephone number of a divorce attorney in the phone book . " Oh , I 'll be right back , sweetheart , I need to take this call , " Charlie said , bracing his hand on Leah 's knee as he got up . He didn 't press the ' send ' key until he had reached the back porch and closed the sliding glass door behind him . He hadn 't even waited for her to say anything . He never missed seeing The Big Bang Theory . Ever . No matter how many times episodes were run , Charlie watched them and sometimes spoke the lines along with the characters . But lately he had been missing more and more of them for mystery calls like the one he just took . Leah had been suspicious of him for several months , but in the past two weeks , Charlie was over - doing the secretive thing . And it wasn 't because her birthday or their anniversary was coming up and he was trying to hide what kind of present he was getting her . He had worked to keep presents from her , but nothing special was coming up anytime soon . He used to drop by the shop she owned every single day to take her something special for lunch and spend an hour with her during the day , but for the past few weeks he had been coming in less and less often . She knew his work wasn 't getting too busy for him to be coming in , either . He was a car salesman , working at the Dodge dealership close to her shop , but he always made sure he came in around lunchtime whenever he was done with the customer he happened to be working with . Leah had come to the conclusion that Charlie was cheating on her . Without turning on any extra lights , she walked to the kitchen where she had left the window open to air out the room , keeping it from smelling like the salmon she had prepared for dinner . She heard Charlie 's voice right outside the window , so he must have been leaning against the house as he talked to whoever was on the phone . She knew that she shouldn 't be eavesdropping , but she couldn 't help herself from trying to find out if her suspicions were correct . " Oh , I 'm just sitting here with my wife watching The Big Bang Theory . What ? I know , but at least I do spend time with you when I can , you know that . I know , I can 't wait to see you again either . You know what I realized the other day ? We 're almost hitting a relationship mile marker soon . Yes , I 'm excited about it . I have something special planned . I don 't know what I 'm going to tell her yet . Don 't worry though , I 'll tell her something and you and I will have a special evening , you have my word . Okay ? Don 't you trust me ? Yes , we 'll have plenty of time for that . Take a nice bath together or something to start off with , how 's that ? I 'll stop by and get us some wine to enjoy , too . Yeah , I think I like getting you drunk … " Charlie paused in between sentences , letting the other person talk . Leah couldn 't listen to any more . She walked back to the couch , sat down , and blankly stared at the television . After a minute of staring , she decided she 'd like to go and take a hot shower instead . It hadn 't sounded like Charlie was going to be done with his conversation in the next few minutes , so she started taking off clothes on her way to the master bathroom , dropping them on the floor when she felt cool tile under her toes . For the first time since she married Charlie nine years ago , she closed and locked the bathroom door as she finished undressing and turned on the water . The bathroom was completely lined with tile , so she knew the sound of the water falling from the showerhead would overpower any sounds she made if she started crying . Which she did . Her body shook with sobs , and she braced her hands on the wall the showerhead protruded from , letting the hot water fall on her . Her long blonde hair had fallen over her shoulders and was now plastered to her breasts , covering her nipples . She had the fleeting thought that her hair was long enough and thick enough to keep her breasts from swaying obscenely as she cried . That thought led to memories of Charlie in this very shower with her , his hands where her hair was now , pulling her body tight against him . She wondered what his mistress looked like , and if his hands cupped her breasts as gently as they did hers . She wondered if the mistress 's head met Charlie 's chest at the perfect height like hers did , if he stared into her eyes with as much love as he had stared into hers . She knew it was even worse for her to be thinking those thoughts than listening to that conversation , but she honestly couldn 't help wondering where she had failed her husband for him to find someone else to satisfy whatever need she couldn 't . She cried harder , until her legs became weak and she sat on the floor of the full - size bathtub , her head right under the hot spray , droplets of water that fell from the showerhead disguising the drops of water that fell from her eyes . She knew she couldn 't hold back all the noise she made crying , but what noise she couldn 't hold back , the echo of the running water would cover . So she let out all the hurt that had filled her heart through all of her suspicion . Then she heard a knock on the bathroom door . Charlie 's voice filtered through the door , " Honey ? Are you okay in there ? You never lock the door when you take a shower . " Leah waited until enough time passed that would allow him to get to the couch and get comfortable , and then she shampooed and conditioned her hair , shaved her legs , arms , and for the first time in several weeks , the area between her legs that made her entirely female . She couldn 't resist giving herself a little extra pampering , making herself as beautiful as she knew how . She would get Charlie all worked up , and then tell him that she was going out with her best friend Marlene . She would call Marlene on the way , of course , asking for permission to go to the house and have a glass of wine and maybe watch a chick flick . But she would make Charlie miss her . And then she would leave him hot and hard and ready for her and then just … walk away . She could do that . He deserved balls the color of a Smurf . Of course , if she went out and left him hard , he would likely call his girlfriend over and make love to her in their marital bed . Maybe she should just get all prettied up and then go to bed . Let him wonder why she 's so smooth and moisturized and sexy . That sounded like a better plan . She approached the living room and stopped just before the corner , angling her head so she could see his reflection in the glass front of the kitchen cabinets . The Conan O ' Brian show was on , The Big Bang Theory had ended . Charlie hated Conan . So she peeked her head around the corner just enough so she could see , and she didn 't have to worry about him seeing her . His eyes were closed , his pants were low around his thighs , his shirt was up around his chest , and he was pleasuring himself with one hand and holding his cell phone up to his ear with the other hand . He wasn 't saying anything , but Leah was guessing that the other party was happy with doing all the talking without getting anything in return . She wasn 't sure how long he had been working at it , but she didn 't want to see him climax listening to someone else 's voice . The next morning , she woke up with her alarm and found that Charlie was already gone . Sometimes he did leave before she woke up , so that wasn 't any cause for alarm . He had done that since they were married . She finished her morning routine and left for the shop , hoping today was one of the days that he didn 't take her lunch . Customers came in and out steadily throughout the day , purchasing small gifts for their loved ones . Most of them were repeat customers , and she knew they didn 't need her help . One customer , however , she had never seen before . As he walked in , he looked a bit lost , so she asked if he needed help . " Great choice ! What would you like me to engrave on them ? " Leah said , unlocking the case and taking out a spare , brand new set of the dog tags . Leah stopped for a moment again , and then convinced herself that he couldn 't be Charlie 's lover . Charlie wasn 't gay … was he ? " That sounds wonderful , congratulations on one month together . " It took a lot of effort for her to smile over that , but she did , and she was confident that it looked genuine . She hoped it looked genuine , because she didn 't want this young man to think she disapproved at all . She truly was happy for him and his partner . " I can have that ready in about an hour and a half , or possibly sooner , does that sound good ? " " Oh , yes , ma ' am , that sounds great . I 'll be back around that time , then . " He handed her his credit card and paid for the item , walking out with a big smile . " I 'm just going out with the guys , sweetie . I 'll see you in the morning , okay ? I love you , " Charlie replied , not even coming to her to say goodbye or even kiss her on the forehead . Leah almost began crying again , wondering if there was anything she could do to get her husband back . She was still so in love with him , and she was willing to do almost anything to get him back and keep him . All she could do now was make herself dinner and relax for the night , watching a movie to try to keep her mind occupied . The next morning , Saturday , Leah woke up before Charlie , and when she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face , she saw black wrapping paper in the wastebasket . She also saw a red ribbon that Charlie had tried to cover up with what had been in the wastebasket before . There was also a set of dog tags in Charlie 's shaving kit . Lucy chuckled at her friend 's confusion . " I was grieving my relationship , so I was angry , bella . Anger is a part of the grieving process . As my grief withdraws , anger suffers as well . Anger wants to burn hot and bright but I 'm over my grief now , so my anger is also dying . " " So why didn 't you just say that you 're over him so you 're not angry anymore ? " Aimee said , giving her friend a playful shove . " Why do you have to be so confusing with your fancy words ? " " Well , it does make you sound smarter . And more caring , somehow . I don 't know why , but that 's how it feels to me , " Aimee said . " It doesn 't seem like it 's been long enough for us to get to like each other so much , but I care about you a lot , too . When you told me what happened with Angelo , it hurt me and angered me almost as much as it afffected Luca . How 's he doing now , by the way ? " " My father has commissioned both Luca and Angelo to make a deal with a realty company to build a new hotel . It is a big project , so the men will be working together for several weeks . Luca is very much not happy with the situation , but he knws as well as our father does that he and Angelo can get the project finished in good time with great financial benefits . " " He knows that he has wronged me . And he knows that Luca now despises him . I believe he regrets his decision , but he has not made an attempt to assuage his guilt by apologizing to me . In fact , he does not even enter my hotel . And rightly so ; the employees now know what happened and they would not respect the Almighty 's right to revenge as Luca and I believe . Angelo is not welcome in the hotel . " Angelo was walking toward them with one hand behind his back . Aimee got closer to Lucy , offering to let Lucy lean against her . When Angelo reached them , he stood in front of them , between them and the ocean . The three of tehm remained silent , just looking at each other . Angelo couldn 't seem to hold eye contact with Lucy for more than a second at a time . Lucy stared at him , waiting for him to say something . His hand was still behind his back , but he brought it in front of him , holding a bouquet of blue roses . He knelt down , holding it out to Lucy . Angelo breathed faster , bringing the bouquet closer to his body . Now he looked at Lucy , not taking his eyes away from her . The longer he looked at her , the more pain twisted his handsome features , his eyes brimming with tears . " Your tears will not sway me , Angelo . I gave you everything you wanted and still it was not enough . You were all I wanted and more . But it is apparent that you wanted something I could not give you . And I believe this , " Lucy gestured toward the roses and Angelo 's now tear - stained face , " is all an act . I do not accept your apology . And I do not accept those roses that symbolize impossibility . "

" Jowy ? Jowy , where are you ! Get back here immediately ! " Jowy could hear his mother yell , but he was sure she would never find him in his safe hiding place . Nobody had ever been in this place , except for him . When he found it , he didn 't dare to believe he had been this lucky . Hidden in the rocks of the hill that protected his house from the elements was a small cave , barely visible because of the large tree that was blocking the entrance and the stones that hid it . For years now , it had been his hiding place whenever he wasn 't able to bear it anymore . It was the place where he could pretend his current self didn 't exist , the place where he could dream of a life somewhere else . But for now , he knew he had to face reality once more . He had to return home , or the results would be … He didn 't dare to think about it . So Jowy carefully pushed the branches aside , and checked the surroundings . No glimpse of his mother . He saw the lights of their little house burning in the distance , and quickly slipped out of the hole . He carefully covered his tracks and trotted towards the house . When he got closer , he could see his father talking to his older sister . " No apologies ! Now go to your room - no food for you tonight ! " Jowy knew he had to move , but his body simply didn 't let him . He felt paralyzed , unable to move or obey his mother 's command . " To your room . NOW ! " His mother 's yell woke him up . He had heard it before , and he knew worse would come if he didn 't act quickly . He acted swiftly , but not fast enough to avoid another hit from his mother . He rushed up the stairs and the next stairs , until he ended up in the small attic where his tiny room was . He only had space for a bed , and the ceiling was so low he almost had to crawl . There was a little window which looked out over their fields . When he was smaller he could stick his head out and see the large hill where his hiding place was . Now , however , he was not able to do so anymore ; his head simply had become too large . This place always felt like a prison to him , and in many ways it was . He only went to his room when his parents forced him to . He had no freedom in here at all , and there was no way in which he could escape . As Jowy fell down on the bed he heard his belly roar . He was hungry , but he didn 't dare to go downstairs to ask for some food . All he would get was another beating . He felt tears appear in his eyes , but he didn 't want to cry . Not again . Once more he wondered what he had done to be treated like this , but he knew , which was the thing that hurt the most . After all , he was born like this … A boy . His parents had wanted to have another girl so badly . His mother 's family used to have close connections to the royal house . And while his oldest sister was supposed to take over the farm , if he had been a girl , they could have proposed an engagement of him and the prince . But he had been a boy . And while giving birth to him his mother had become ill . It had taken weeks for her to recover , or so he had heard , and afterwards she had not been able to conceive anymore . His parents blamed him for this , and he blamed himself , too . If only he had been a girl … His life would have been so different now . His parents would be proud of him , and he would actually have a function in the household . Girls were wanted … Nobody needed a boy . He didn 't know how long he had been in his room before his parents called him . He was surprised ; every time they send him to his room he had to stay there for at least a day . But it was still dark outside , meaning it was still night . He dreaded to go down ; he knew it couldn 't be good news . But bad news could only become worse if he disobeyed . Just like that . No emotion at all , in his parents eyes . They just stared at him , probably wondering why he wasn 't thrilled by the idea . The mines … They had been there a couple of times , and he didn 't like it there at all . It was dark , dusty , boring … " I 'm afraid you should have thought of that before you disobeyed us so many times . You will go work there . Yuku needs new workers , and there 's nothing else you can do anyway . Now , back to your room until we call you . " Paralyzed , Jowy moved his way back up the stairs . Working in the mines … No , he didn 't want to do that at all ! His uncle was a bully , and he had seen the way he treated the ponies that worked for him . Besides , the work was extremely dangerous . More than one pony had lost it 's life down there . How could his parents do that to him ? Did they want to get rid of him that badly ? Was he not his child as well ? He didn 't want to go , he couldn 't … How could he get out of it ? It was the only thing he could think of , until he realised the sun was already setting again . With a shock he realised he had been up all night , pondering over what to do . He didn 't want to leave , even though his parents were so mean to him all the time … Working with his uncle Yuku was about the only thing he could think of what was worse . Of course , he could run away from home , but … what if they found him ? No , that was no option , at least not until he had thought it through completely . Yet , he knew , the only place where he could find the rest to think clearly was his hiding place . It was the only place in the world where he felt safe enough . He slipped out of bed and once again walked down the stairs as softly as he could . His parents were still asleep , he noticed , as was his sister . The door made way too much noise to his opinion , but he was able to slip out unnoticed . He knew he would get punished severely if his parents found out about this , but he just had to get out . His little room was choking him . He galloped through the high grass towards the hill . His hole was still the way he had left it , and he sneaked inside quickly . Nobody had seen him … good . He sighed with relief when he was inside and felt his entire body relax . Just when he was sitting down , he heard some movement outside . His heart skipped a beat . Had someone seen him leave ? Had they followed him ? If they had … No , it couldn 't be any worse from what it was right now anyway . He would get send to the mines … How much worse could it get ? " Hello ? Are you there ? " a female voice said . He noticed the pony , standing almost right in front of him . She was snow white with beautiful purple mane . Her symbol was a moon and some stars . He had never seen this pony before , but he was entranced with her . It was as if she was from another world . The poor pony was almost in tears . Jowy didn 't really know what moved him . If his parents saw him with this strange girl … They would find a way to punish him . But he didn 't want to leave her alone there , either . " Here , " he whispered , and again a little louder when he noticed she didn 't hear him . " Where ? " she asked when she heard his voice . He put his hoof through the branches , and the pony noticed him . She trotted towards him and he opened the branches so she could slip in . " What 's your name ? " Jowy asked , not sure what else to say . His hideout seemed very small , now that he was sharing it with someone else . " This country is called Kin . You didn 't know ? " Jowy was surprised . It made sense to get lost inside a country , but how could she have crossed Kin 's borders without actually knowing where she was ? That was impossible , right ? " No , I didn 't know , " Lunarstar admitted . Jowy was at a loss for words . Where did this pony come from ? He looked at the pony again , and he realized he had a hard time looking at her . She was so beautiful , he felt as if she hurt his eyes . " Because I hate it there ! " he busted out . " My parents will never like me for I am not a girl , and because I 'm not " fitting in " they decided to send me off to my aunt , to work in the mines ! But I don 't want to , I don 't want to go there … " Jowy was ashamed to cry , especially in front of a girl , and such a beautiful one at that . But he could no longer stop his tears . He felt so sad and defeated . Maybe he never had any hope for the future he had wished for , but now that his parents would send him away … " I don 't know . Nowhere . What are you going to do now ? " he asked , trying to change the subject . He really didn 't feel comfortable talking about himself . " I think I should try to find a way to get home . But there 's no way I 'm going to get there , unless I can find some … " Lunarstar fell silent , as if she was doubting whether she should tell Jowy . " Right . You lost me . " How could you go through a gate and end up somewhere completely different ? Jowy began to doubt Lunarstar 's sanity , because he could see no way in which that would be possible . " Well , it 's just … I can go through a gate , which can bring you from one place to the other , but I guess something went wrong because I didn 't end up where I thought I was going to be . And now I 'm stuck here , without a way back . " " Yes , something like that . You probably never heard of anything like it , right ? " Lunarstar asked hopeful . Jowy could see in Lunarstar 's eyes that even if this story was utter nonsense , at least she believed in it herself . And there was something about Lunarstar that felt … otherworldly . Yet her story triggered something in his memory . Something from long ago . He had heard of something like that … in a fairy tale of something , what his mother used to tell him and his sister when they were still really small . " I know ! " he exclaimed so loud that Lunarstar got startled . " You know what , " he said , " I heard of something like that ! I mean , it wasn 't a gate , and it was only a story that my mother told me when I was a little boy , but , you know … " " Great ! Tell me ! " Lunarstar was so excited that Jowy felt like he couldn 't tell her that it was only a fairy tale , based on nothing but a pretty story . Still , he began to tell . " Well , the story is about a princess . Her mother is a powerful queen and had recently expanded her powers to the north , into the ice . But the one who ruled there did not agree and kidnapped the princess , and she would only return her if the queen gave up her claim on the north . But the queen did not agree and valued her territory above her own daughter . So the old ruler of the north took the princess with her to her own home , an island covered in ice called the isle of infinity . The queen 's troops couldn 't find it and the old ruler raised the princess as if she were her own child . But as the ruler had lost her rule over the north the power of the isle of infinity were lost , slowly but surely , until the only way for them to escape was to leave this world completely , and move on to another . Some say they died , but others believe they found a way to continue living in another dimension . " Right , this is ridiculous , Jowy thought . There was no such thing as the isle of infinity , and besides , the north was just a barren wasteland covered in ice all year long . No one lived there , right ? " Well , it sounds about right . To move on , another dimension . I have to find that place and get home . " The determination in Lunarstar 's voice shocked Jowy . She 's totally crazy . " Right . Well , it 's in the north , obviously , but otherwise … no one has ever seen it . It 's a fairy tale , Lunarstar . If you go there alone you 'll probably end up killed before you even can begin looking . " " I … I 've got to get home . I 'm moving soon , right ? There 's no place for me out there , and there 's no way I 'm going to the north like this . I 'm sorry , Lunarstar . I hope you will find your home again , but I can 't help you . " After saying this , Jowy realized there was nothing left for him to say . He slowly crept out of his hiding place , and Lunarstar followed him . Jowy turned around and began to walk back to his home . Or what would be his home only for a few more days … before he would be sent off to the mines . That would be his future … He hadn 't even realized he had stopped walking . The wind was toying with his hair now , blowing away from his house , as if it was telling him to leave , to go his own way , even if that meant for him to go north … " This is insane … " he whispered to himself as he turned around . He could still see Lunarstar walking , somewhere in the distance . He galloped towards her . He couldn 't just let her go like this . He couldn 't go back home . He couldn 't go to the mines , and he wouldn 't . Jowy had almost caught up with her when he tripped over a rock and crashed on a stone and fell on the ground , making a lot of noise that made Lunarstar startle . " No . I 'll choose my own future , and for now , that is to help you get home safely . And if that means us traveling to the icy north , looking for the isle of infinity that only exists in a fairy tale , than that 's what we 're going to do . You with me ? " He smiled , and Lunarstar smiled back . " Okay . Right . But , you know , we 're going to freeze if we go there like this . We need something to keep us warm , " Jowy continued . Jowy smiled . Lunarstar was so innocent sometimes . He had to admit that even though he had decided to go with her , he still had some trouble believing she really was from , well , some other place he would never be able to visit . But during the last few days he began to realize Lunarstar was indeed special , somehow … Sometimes she seemed to know so much , and sometimes he couldn 't help but wonder how she had ever survived up until now . " That alone won 't do , Lunarstar . It 's not just like winter over there . It 's icy . I 've never been there before … " " … but if the stories are true , and let 's hope they are otherwise we 're totally doing this for no reason , we need more than a hat and a scarf to protect us from the cold . We need warm cloaks , special ones , made for the north . " Jowy sighed . When was Lunarstar going to take this seriously ? " Okay … so how are we going to get those ? " Lunarstar asked . Of course , Jowy had been thinking about that as well . Those special cloaks would be very expensive , he knew that much … " Neither do I . Well , not any that 's valid over here , anyway . " " Right . So we got to work to earn some money , " Jowy proposed , and he saw Lunarstar watching him , something that the last few hours seemed to make him unable to grasp what exactly he was talking about . " Right . Okay . Well , I was thinking , we might want to work on , you know , like , a farm , or something . Or , I don 't know , maybe you … " It didn 't take them long to reach the village . It was quite lively , but Jowy had no idea why . There was nothing but rocks and mountains around here , and a few fields occupied by farmers . There was no reason for so many people to be here , right ? But no matter how many people there were , none of them seemed to have a job for them . Only in the very last inn left of the village they seemed to have a little luck . They met a farmer whose neighbor 's hand had fallen ill , so they could try there . " Yes , well , he still has to hire us . " Jowy sighed and decided not to reply . He furiously hoped they would get hired so at least Lunarstar would have a reason to start smiling again . She was so beautiful when she smiled … It didn 't take them long to reach the farm , but it was not like anything Jowy had expected . There weren 't any green fields for animals . Instead there were only long , grey plains of some kind of soil . Half of them seemed like nobody had touched them in years , while the other part looked like someone had recently worked on them . They were greeted by a nice old lady when they walked to the farm house . They explained they were looking for work and the lady was so extremely happy that she actually began to cry . They got even luckier when they explained they wanted to earn money to buy some winter clothing for a travel to the north , as the lady 's specialty was creating coats just for that purpose . They agreed they would work two weeks on the farm and in exchange they would receive food and shelter and one cloak each . Needless to say they both agreed enthusiastically . " I … I 'm sorry . " Lunarstar shook her head while they sat down in the hay . It was night already , Jowy noticed through the little window . They had been talking all evening with the sweet lady and her husband , and tomorrow morning they would start helping with the farm work . " It 's just that , " Lunarstar continued , " I had wanted to get home so much sooner . I had hoped I 'd be there by now . There is just so much I have to do , and last time I was lost in this world I was back home within a few hours thanks . My parents … everyone must be so worried . " " You see , there you go . You don 't have to worry about things like that . And I 'll get you back home , I promise . " Half an hour later they were both lying in the hay . Lunarstar was asleep quickly ; her emotions and all the change of that day had worn them out . But Jowy was still awake , staring at Lunarstar 's beautiful sleeping face . She was so pretty , so beautiful … She was from another world indeed . He couldn 't help but think that maybe she was an angel fallen from the heavens . But she was going home . And he was sure that once she did , he would never see her again . It was so unfair . She was the first person he had ever met who was so nice to him , and the only reason she was staying with him was because he would get her home . So he had to stay with her on her journey to the north . But maybe … he could escape this world with her . It had brought him nothing but pain , after all , and the only good thing that had ever happened to him was about to escape from it . It was cold . And not just cold like in winter , when you have fun with snowballs and ice , no , it was ridiculously cold . Around them there was nothing but ice and snow covering the ground . Everything was white . Jowy still couldn 't believe he was actually here . For the last two days he furiously began to wish he had never mentioned this place to Lunarstar before . The two weeks they had spent on the farm had been the best two weeks of Jowy 's life . Of course they had to work hard every day and they had little time to relax , but he had loved the time he spend with Lunarstar . They had spent hours upon hours working on the soil so that it was ready to receive seeds , they had helped the farmer with chores around the house , they had spent evenings looking at the stars in the sky , wondering if Lunarstars home was one of them . After two weeks , however , the farmer and his wife had decided they had helped them enough . Lunarstar had been delighted to finally be able to move on , but Jowy had dreaded that day . He had not wanted it to change … and it had come so much sooner than he had expected . Still , to see Lunarstar so cheered up , it was worth it . Her bright smile that day had lit up the entire sky . They had received not only two warm cloaks , but also two thick scarves and two snow hats . It was more than enough to shield them from extreme cold , or so they had thought . They had been going straight north for a week now , and it only got colder and colder . Still , there were still ponies living here , in these remote places , so they probably could not be north enough . Didn 't the story tell about an island so remote even the guards of the queen herself could not find it ? They walked on and on along the road that was now barely visible beneath the layers of snow and ice that covered it , not knowing where they were or what lay ahead of them . This deserted land should never have been penetrated by ponies , Jowy thought . Why were they here again ? They were both covered in the clothes they had earned on the farm , but it just didn 't seem to be enough anymore . They could easily freeze to death if they could not find a place to sleep and make a fire , Jowy realized . He looked around , and saw some snow - covered evergreens here and there . At least there would be some wood … for now . The more north they went , the less trees they saw . Jowy was sure he reached the end of his luck when he spotted a cave . A small hill ahead of them had a cave at the bottom , and its black walls stood out against the snow that covered the hill . " Over there ! " Jowy said , and he began to walk faster . An actual cave … Hopefully , at least this night , they would not freeze . " It does , " Jowy agreed when he saw it was all but dark outside . Here they were , in the dark , cold north , chasing a fairy tale . It was almost laughable . After they had eaten a little bit of the small amount of food they had still left , they lay down on the cold , hard floor , covered by their cloaks and an extra blanket . Lunarstar had suggested they should crawl up to each other to preserve their warmth , which made Jowy unable to sleep . He slept with his back against Lunarstar , looking outside over the cold snowy field . He was aware of her breathing , her body warmth touching his … how was he supposed to fall asleep like this ? Yet he refused to move away . He liked … being close to her . More and more , he had realized he wanted to go with her . Away from this world . He wanted to go … to a place where he could be who he was , without being punished for it . While sleep overtook him , Jowy realized he saw movement outside . He shook his head to wake up , thinking he had imagined it , but right when he wanted to lie down again , he saw it again . There is someone out there . Jowy slowly got up , trying not to wake Lunarstar . It was tricky , as they had been sleeping so close , but he managed to get away from her without waking her . Jowy sneaked out of the cave , and once outside he hurried towards the place where he had seen … whoever , whatever it was . As he got closer , he saw a person standing there . He didn 't even try to hide himself . The closer Jowy got , the more he could make out the person 's features . The pony 's coat was all but grey , and his long mane were that also , only they were a shade darker . His face was wrinkled , and his eyes looked pale and lifeless . " Good night to you , stranger . " Now that he was standing in front of the old man , Jowy wondered why he had rushed out . It is not like he had any reason … but maybe this person could help him find their way to the gate . " You … and your friend who is not of this world . " Jowy 's heart skipped a beat . How did he know that ? ! " You are looking for the gate so many have searched before you . " " Oh , so many have come here , perished here , looking for a gate that would lead them out of this world . But none found it . None knew where to look . None knew , that they had to ask the gatekeeper for its location before they could even hope to find it , " the old man said . He did not tell Jowy . He stood there , for a few moments , and Jowy almost wanted to walk away when he was blinded by a strange light . He looked around , trying to see where it came from , but he could not see it . It took him a few moments to realize the light was not coming from anywhere . It was inside his head . He closed his eyes , trying to drive the light away , but when he did , he saw it . A forest made out of white trees , and inside it , in the middle , a purple arched gate , with runes carved into the stone of the arch . The vision zoomed out , went south , southeast , and at the end , he saw himself standing there . The vision disappeared , and Jowy opened his eyes . Everything was dark around him . Behind him , he saw , Lunarstar was still sleeping , and the fire was still burning softly . He wanted to ask the old pony what on earth that was , but the pony was gone , vanished into the darkness of the night . " I … I just am . Just follow me , " Jowy lied . He had no intention of telling Lunarstar of the strange old guy . Somehow , he felt , it would do more bad than good . He didn 't even believe it himself , but what other lead did he have ? At least now that he seemed to be sure where to go , the journey didn 't seem as hopeless as before . Still , as they went on , Jowy recognized things . He noticed a strangely shaped rock , the remains of a fallen tree … He had seen this . The night before , in the vision the old man had given him , he had seen this . And if he recognized this , he guessed the gate he had seen , and the white forest , might also be real . Still , the gate had just looked like a normal gate , something old , something ponies had made long ago but didn 't seem to hold any real powers . Well , they would see . It was the only chance they had . All day they walked through the snow , further and further north . The trees had all but disappeared and the only variation in the landscape was an occasional rock . The road was barely visible . No ponies had been here in recent days , Jowy was sure , and as such there were no hoof marks in the snow , nor anything else that distinguished the road from the rest of the world . The only reason he was sure they were still on the road was a rare sign he had seen earlier and his memory of the vision . " Let 's go ! " Lunarstar exclaimed . They rushed towards the light , hoping for a warm house , a bed , hot chocolate … But as they got closer , they saw it was not a house , nor a village . Now that he was here , he could see the trees were not covered in snow … they were actually white . Only their trunks were a greyish brown colour . The branches , the needles … they were perfectly white . They were so white , in fact , that they gave off a glow of the purest white light Jowy had ever seen . " It 's in here … the gate . I know it is … let 's go , Lunarstar , " Jowy whispered . He stepped forward , and he heard Lunarstar following him . The road led them into the forest , where it was much clearer where the road was and where it was not . The borders of the road were decorated with a long line of white stones , and neither of them dared to cross them . The forest was so pure , so white , with snow covering the earth that they felt guilty leaving prints in the snow where they walked . The road led them on and on , but Jowy had no idea how long they had been walking . He had forgotten all about time , cold , or any of the other things that had bothered him before . He was enchanted by the beauty of the place , and he was sure , so sure , that this place was too beautiful to actually exist . In the end , the forest gave way to an open space . The ground was white here as well , but in the centre stood a large , purple arched gate . In the stone of the arch Jowy saw ancient runes that he could not read . The gate was miraculously free of snow . " Well … a little , I guess . It is different … but it is a gate . If there is anything like it in this world , this is it . " " Let 's try it then ! " Jowy said , " go on , walk through it ! " Lunarstar nodded , and trotted towards the gate . She ran through it … but nothing happened . She ran through it once more , this time coming from the other side , but once again , nothing happened . Disappointment filled Jowy . Was this not the gate after all ? Would they not be able to go to whatever world Lunarstar called home ? " I was not supposed to show you this , " Lunarstar whispered , " In fact , I thought it would be wisest to keep this a secret for everyone in this world , but I guess I have little choice now . It 's the only hope we have left . " Jowy had no idea what the white pony was talking about , but he soon gasped when he saw a light coming from Lunarstar 's body . " I will try it this way . Maybe the gate will recognize that I do not belong here , so that I can get home . " Jowy was still amazed by Lunarstar 's transformation , but he could see what she meant . Maybe … maybe it worked . " Okay . I 'm going to run fast , so keep up , " Lunarstar warned , and she started to run . Jowy ran after her , as fast as he could . They neared the gate , and as they went through , a flash of light blinded Jowy . This is it ! He thought . He tripped , fell down , and for a moment or two , he did not dare to move or open his eyes . I 'm in a new world ! " She may have … but you said you would pay the price . Not even another world could take you away from that promise . " The price … Jowy had all but forgotten . He hadn 't even asked what it was . " To dwell here for two hundred and fifty years , until the next gatekeeper will accept to pay the price , and you will be allowed to rest . That is how I came here , all those years ago … looking for the place out of the legend , trying to find it so that fortune would be mine . Yes , my reasons were less noble than yours , but it matters not . You accepted . Can you not feel it ? Or rather , can you not not feel it ? The change ? " " Wait ! " Jowy yelled . " You cannot do this to me ! " But it was too late . The old man had faded into the night , his smile lingering on his face . " The gatekeeper cannot pass the gate until it is his time , " a voice in his head said . " You made your sacrifice . Your friend is home . Now , you will dwell the icy north until your time comes . " " No … " Jowy said . He walked , walked away from the gate . He began to run , run , run . But he did not notice that his hooves did not leave any prints in the snow . He did not notice that he never seemed to be out of breath . He did not notice that no matter how far he ran , he could not escape the snow plains . Slowly but surely , as he ran , the only thing he noticed was the gate he would now protect from harm , until he was allowed to pass on to the other world he so longed for .

My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . I was riding Cole in the arena the other night , and a really nice boarder at our barn brought her horse in to lounge . She has a sweet Paint mare , that I have never seen truly misbehave , but her owner is afraid to ride her . She needs to lounge her a lot before she will ride her , and with her busy work schedule , she usually doesn 't have the time to both lounge and ride . As we all know , fear isn 't logical , and it certainly isn 't in this case . I thought that demonstration of the usefulness of clicker training might help her . I told her that she would be less worried if she knew that , whatever she was doing , all she had to do was say " whoa , " and her mare would stop . I trotted down the wall , said " whoa , " and Cole instantly stopped . I clicked and treated him . I also explained that I don 't need to treat him every single time at this point . I just click him now and then to keep him sharp . I then told her how he will stand until I tell him to move off - explaining how convenient this is if you are on trail and a dozen motorcycles come flying down the road . Instead of worrying if Cole will be frightened by them , I ask him to stop and stand until they pass . Since he is hoping for a click , he is more focused on me then the traffic . He has never spooked at something when I do this . Then , I dismounted and showed her how he will do the same thing when I lead him if I point the whip handle towards the ground . He will keep his head down the whole time the whip is down , as if there is a rope going from the whip to his bit . ( I should have shown her how he does it when we trot in hand , too . ) I didn 't think she was convinced , yet , so I got back on and started trotting him . I threw the reins down on his neck , lifted my arms in the air for a few strides and said , " whoa . " Of course he stopped . She gasped , but it turns out that she was amazed that he kept his frame in perfect self carriage with , if anything , more impulsion than when I was holding the reins . I thought about it , and got pretty amazed myself . I had to do it again to see if he would repeat his performance . This time , I trotted longer without the riens before asking him to stop . He did even better . Still , my friend didn 't seem convinced that clicker training can do awesome things . I then tried one more thing . I told her , " Let 's say you are out on the trail and you drop something . " I then threw my whip to the ground . She started laughing uproariously - she was so amazed . I think his trick won her over . Funny thing is , it is just a trick . All those other things are wonderful things that make him a safer horse - consequently making a more confident rider - just what my friend needs . Chances are , if I dropped something on the trail , he would reach down and probably start to graze ! Friday , I took my very last evening trail ride of the year . The time changed this weekend , and I no longer have the daylight to ride on the trail . Anyway , Cruiser made it a good one . He was energetic and silly . What else would I expect from him on a cool evening … ? I rode Cole in the arena , and he wasn 't too keen on working . Before the ride , I turned him loose to play . He ran and ran and ran . I think he used most of his energy up , and didn 't have any for the ride . We did get some things accomplished , though . I will try them again , tonight , to see if he remembers them . Saturday , I rode Cruiser with my sister and her horse Ranger . We went for about an hour and a half . It was quite chilly , and at one point , we got off to lead to warm up our toes . It was warmer when I took Cole out . He was just so perfect , I couldn 't really believe it . We mostly trotted - too and from home . The first few times I asked him to canter , he didn 't get it . Later , I asked him again - and we went right into it so beautifully … Sunday , I took Cole with Ranger up to the show ring trails - as we do most Sundays . He gave me an A + ride . ( We like to grade our rides , and A + doesn 't come up that often . ) We trotted most of the time , and at one point , my sister asked Ranger to canter . When I asked Cole , he agreed , and once again , we had a beautiful transition . We didn 't get too far , because Ranger came back to a trot before we wanted him to . Cole had to do the same - as I didn 't want him to run past Ranger . Still , it was the first successful canter together . I then took Cruiser out for his 5 - mile sprint . We met my boyfriend with Starry at the turnaround point , and we walked back with them . My sister has a day off , tomorrow , so I took the day off , too . I am running out of vacation , but that 's the point this time of year . We are running out of good weather , too . Tomorrow promises to be another beauty . Cole and I went on a 2 : 37 hour ride . He wasn 't quite as good as last time - he went through a balky stage , tossed in some squeals and spins during the ride , and it took a little more work to settle down his trot towards home . We did canter 4 times for short distances , and that was really nice . He didn 't do the mad gallop that I have gotten in the past , but an actual canter . After that , he was no longer balky at the trot . He was good going past the utility workers , but he didn 't like the truck that was painting lines on the road at all . Though he could have been better , he wasn 't bad for only the 4th long ride by himself . I don 't know if I will get any more this year because the weather gets so questionable . I took Cruiser out on a quick 5 - mile . He was great , of course . He got pretty excited on the way home , because he thought he might find Starry like he did last time , so he did some pretty fast gaiting instead of walking . Finally , he passed up some horses and calmed down the rest of the way home . I took a break for dinner with my boyfriend and then came back to feed the horses . I was exhausted after all that . I need to get into better shape ! I took Cruiser on a quick trail ride before sunset , and we didn 't see a soul - not even the headless horseman . It was a cool and pretty evening . There are still some leaves on the trees , and they were very vibrant in the dimming light of the evening . Next weekend , the time changes , and there will be no more trail rides after work . I sure will miss them . I then rode Cole in the arena . I had the place all to myself . We worked on a little of this and a little of that . I still can 't get him to canter , but I was able to get him to trot faster - not just bigger . I am hoping that if he figures out the speed up command , I can just keep speeding him up until he will canter . I wish I had been brave enough with this last year to introduce it then . I think he would have been more open minded . I 'm getting somewhat frustrated . We are cantering a little bit on the trail , but the transitions are still explosive . The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow , and if I can get control of my workload , I will take the day off to take them both on a trail ride . The weekend is looking good , too , for a change . Posted by I thought of this one when I brought my plants in for the winter . Thunder is fascinated and loves poking around in them . He doesn 't try to eat the plants , too much , but to discourage him from that idea , I put long stalks of grass from outside in them . We had a nice , horse weekend . The river wasn 't crossable , but our younger niece came out , and she made it fun for us . I started out riding Cole in the arena . He had a lackluster day . I then let my niece take him down the hill to the river . He was pretty good for her , and she is getting used to his bouncy walk down hills . When we got to the bottom , we let her trot on the flat part a bunch of times . Cole has a normal trail trot , and she was posting is beautifully . ( She can 't manage his arena trot , but most people can 't . ) I think she had fun with him . He was fine going back up the hill . Then , we saddled up Cruiser and Ranger . My sister came with us on foot . We did the hill 3 times . At the bottom , we did do some trotting , and Cruiser showed his true colors as he burst past Ranger at a canter . Once he got in the lead , he was happy to trot . Ranger handled it well - but then he is used to it from Cruiser . May Cruiser never grow old … Sunday , the river was low enough , so my sister and I took Ranger and Cole up to the show ring trails and had a really nice ride . It was a frosty morning - glad we had our thermal underwear on ! I then took Cruiser on a quick 5 - mile ride . He was in a great mood . We rode across the ford , and the only 2 motorcycles to brave the chilliness had to pass us when we were in the middle of it . He got scared and tried to run off towards home , but I was able to contain him . That certainly got our adrenaline going . It took a while to settle him down . These are pictures of the house my brother and I bought . We are going to make some revisions to it and then rent it out . Isn 't it cute ? It isn 't as big as it looks in the pictures , though . Last night was farrier night . my sister and I come out to the barn after work . Sometimes , the farrier gets there before us because he does another horse at our stables . When he finishes , he starts Cruise and Ranger . He waits for me to do Cole so I could help with holding him . When I got there , my sister was talking to him and there were no horses in the crossties . I was surprised and wondered what was going on . My sister said that they started Cole , and he was so bad that they put him in the stall to wait for me to get there . I was disappointed . I have been working hard the last 2 weeks reviewing his training . She said he was kicking and rearing and biting - now , I started to get skeptical . That didn 't sound like my Cole Train . She was kidding . He was perfect . The only thing he did wrong was nibble the farrier and chew the crossties . When she got there , he was nearly done and only wanted to know if I wanted the shoes back on or not . Alas , with the impending doom of winter , snow , ice , cold and a frozen river that we won 't cross , we decided to pull Ranger 's and Cole 's shoes . I leave them on Cruiser because he seems to need the support with his healed bowed tendon and carpal tunnel syndrome . Last year when I pulled them , he quickly became lame . He did fine when I put them back on . ( The vet said to keep them on , but I thought I would see what happened … ) The ponies get the day off , today . I am going to a local play with my boyfriend . We will be back on Saturday with my youngest niece … There was only a little daylight after work and the river was too high to cross , again . I rode Cruiser up and down the hill three times . He was quite energetic , and even did some gaiting up the hill . ( Cruiser has standard gaits , but he also does a stepping pace when he is excited . He can get quite fast . He must have gotten it from his Morgan side , as there are gaited Morgans . ) When we got back to the barn , it started to rain , lightly . Perfect timing . It rained the rest of the night . I worked Cole in the arena . Since I took him on the 2 . 5 hour trail ride with a lot of trotting just the day before , I planned a quiet ride . I 'm glad to say he had just as much energy as a typical day . Still , I didn 't push him too hard . We did some trotting , got our 10 clickable walk / trot transitions , worked on our corners and straight sides at a walk , threw in some trotting and then started something new - walk / whoa transitions using the reins . I might have taught him that last year , but he stops quite well with a verbal command - I have gotten lazy . I realized we needed to get a solid stop with the reins . It didn 't take long - maybe 5 tries and he understood it . I only clicked him for perfect halts . I will review this lesson a lot , since it is a good one for warm ups and walk breaks . We then had to show off to everyone how he picks up my whip if I drop it . he loves picking things up , so it is a good way to reward him for being such a good boy . The trails by our barn do not form any sort of loop . Basically , we ride out to our desired distance , turn around and come back . There are a few tiny loops , but they join the main trail , so the horses get that definite feeling that they are headed home . Most horses will travel faster on the way home than on the way out - that is a given . Horses like to be home where their friends are . This doesn 't happen if we are riding Cruiser and Ranger together . They seem to feel that they are the herd and there is nothing to rush home to . By themselves , though , they step up the pace , too . We have practiced trotting towards home with Ranger , and Cole seems happy to follow along at the speed of Range . It taught him a lot . Now , it was time to work on doing it alone . As of writing this , we have gone on 3 long rides as described above . We did do some trotting towards home for short stretches with mixed results . On the third ride , we went further than ever . I didn 't want to do a lot of walking back because it would have taken forever . It was time to work on long stretches of trotting back to the herd . Shortly after turning around to go towards home , I asked him to trot . He went very , very fast . After about ten seconds with no slowing , regardless of what I did , I decided it was time to start all over . Cole reluctantly stopped when I asked him to . We walked a bit , and then I asked him to trot . This time , he went even faster , and before I knew it , we were cantering - and he didn 't want to stop . I had to do the old " swerve to the left - swerve to the right " a few times to slow him down . Once he got to the trot , I turned him around a tree until he was going away from home , and we walked a little bit . It was clear that I had to come up with a plan . We were heading back towards home , and I asked him for a trot . A few strides later , before he could gain speed , I said " whoa " and clicked for the stop . We did that a few more times . Each time , he was more cooperative about stopping . I got his attention . My next step was to allow him to trot , and this time click him for slowing down when I asked him . We did this 4 - 5 times - I don 't remember how many times - and each time , he improved , but I noticed that he didn 't stop right away to get his treat . He kind of just coasted down to a walk . The flash bulb went off . I didn 't need clicker , now . What Cole really wanted was to keep trotting . I would use that as my reward . I asked him to trot , and of course , he rushed off , again . I asked him to slow down , and when he did , I eased up on the reins , told him how good he was and let him just continue to trot at that nice speed . If he didn 't slow down , I would stop him and try it , again . ( This actually didn 't happen , but it was part of the plan . ) He made the connection . I didn 't have any more troubles with him the rest of the way home . When he sped up more than I wanted him , I asked him to slow , he did and then we just went on our merry way . We did a fair amount of transitions , threw in some walk breaks and smiled all the while . We walked the last half hour except for one section of trail that was fairly close to home . I wanted to test him . We were close enough that Cruiser and Ranger will sometimes give us trouble if we trot there . We trotted 3 separate trots on that trail . The first two were perfect , but the last one , he didn 't respond to my slow down requests . He still stopped , though , when I asked him . Overall , I think it was an excellent training session . The active training part didn 't take much more than 5 minutes . The rest was easy . Clicker helped , but figuring out that sometimes there are things that are more important than carrots helped , too . Clicker merely explained to him what I wanted . It was a two and a half hour ride , with nearly an hour and a half of trotting . The weather was perfect and my horse just keeps getting better and better . I sure wish winter wasn 't right around the corner … Thursday , the river was too high . We rode Cruiser and Ranger up and down the hill 3 times . I worked with Cole in the arena , and we had fun . My sister rode him for a little bit , and it was nice because then I could watch him . He is quite a sight . I then led him down to the river as a reward . Friday , the river was still way to high to cross . This time , we rode Cruiser and Ranger in the arena , too , so we could get some good exercise . Cruiser is doing so much better this year than last . I am optimistic that we may be able to get back some of what we used to have … Ranger did very well , too . We then rode them down the hill , once . I rode Cole in the arena . A woman who had seen him last week came over to video him to show her daughter . When she left , Cole started to do some amazing things . His one fault in trotting is that he has been carrying his head too low . I didn 't push the issue , but just gave him time to find himself . Well , he trotted a few steps with his head in the correct position , so I clicked him . Being a good clicker horse , he then repeated it right away . I clicked him about 10 times for it , and then just let him keep trotting . My sister videoed him for me so I could affirm that his gait was still proper . I 'm glad to say it was . We practiced it for about 5 minutes , and at the end , he started some new movement that felt like floating . I don 't know what he did , but my sister said it was beautiful . She had already put her camera away . We quit , then , and went down the hill to the river . Then we waited for the vet to come out to give fall shots . She also did Cole and Ranger 's teeth . Cruiser was fine . Saturday , the river was still too high . We rode Cruiser and Ranger on the hill . Cole 's arena ride was a little shorter because the arena got too crowded to work . He was trotting with his head up , again , but he also discovered he could go faster that way ! We were trotting like we were on the trail - channeling his Dan Patch heritage ( famous Standardbred he is related to . ) When he slowed up , I clicked him . Since we quit early , I don 't know how it would have developed . We then went down the hill . Sunday , we were finally able to cross the river and took Cole and Ranger out together for an hour and a half . It was a gorgeous day . Ranger was feeling his oats , and he did lots of silly things . Cole was consistently well - behaved . I took Cruiser out for a 5 - mile blast , and we had a terrific time . Finally , a trail - riding day ! ! ! It was a lovely night for riding , yesterday . My boyfriend got in the saddle before I got there - I got caught in traffic . I saddled up Cruiser , and away we went to meet his buddy Starry . Cruiser knew the game , and as usual , I had to keep slowing him down . We met them about 20 minutes later , and I talked my boyfriend into turning around and continuing with us until the next river crossing . it was such a pretty night , that it didn 't take much coaxing . Even his horse didn 't mind turning away from home - but of course , he had his best friend , Cruiser with him . I rode Cole in the indoor arena . You may recall that I have had some confidence issues with him in there . My confidence , not his . Well , I rode with 4 other horses , and I trotted all around with them . I think I have finally slain the dragon . He was as well - behaved as always . I think we will be able to manage winter with riding in the indoor arena with all the other horses just fine , this year . He was doing his " big trot . " We were riding with big TBs and a QH , and they were quietly plodding about . Then here comes tiny ( 14 . 2 ) Cole Train - boom - boom - boom - boom … trotting like a dressage king . He doesn 't go that fast . When he trots like that , he slows the beat down and steps with great power . He was quite a contrast to the horses we were with . The weather was great on Thursday . My sister and I planned to go on our favorite ride with Cole and Ranger up to the show ring . 10 minutes down the trail , we had to turn around . The electric company was trimming the trees under the wires by the trail . To make matters worse , the trail that we would take to get away from them goes out to the street by a bridge - and there were construction workers repairing it . They were blocking the trail . we turned around and went the other direction on the trail . ( Later on , they were using a jackhammer on the bridge - I 'm so glad we didn 't try to get through the construction . ) We went on a nice ride , just the same , for about an hour and a half total . We did a lot of trotting and managed a little bit of cantering . The foliage was gorgeous and the temperature was moderate . Thursday night , it rained pretty hard , and the river that is close by the start of the trail was too high to cross . We rode Cruiser up and down the hill leading to the river 3 times . I then worked Cole in the indoor arena . He did pretty good , and he earned a lot of clicks . I woman that I know was visiting our barn , and she had never seen Cole in action . I told her to watch him trot , and she was stunned . I love seeing people 's reactions to his trot . She is going to have some of her dressage friends come out to see him . It is amazing that the horse I bought for a trail horse has so much natural talent . I tried to canter him with no success . I then took him down to the river to cool off . Saturday was extremely windy . My sister was hesitant to go out , but I talked her into a short ride with Cruiser . They were fine , and no trees fell . ( We have experienced so many tree falls while riding , I have lost count . ) I then took Cole on the same distance ride with the plan of working on our canter transitions . I planned on clicking him for the transition . Well , that didn 't work . He slammed on the breaks so fast to get his treat that we went sliding ! We had to stick with " good boys " after that . We had some good ones , and we had some bad ones . The bad ones consisted of big bucks from excitement . We were going on the same trail over and over . I moved down to a different section of trail , and I got a good transition but more speed than I wanted . I rode it out , tried it again and he was more reasonable . My last transition was excellent and the speed was right . I hope he remembers our lessons that we had this day . Sunday , my sister and I decided to go on our show ring ride that we wanted to do on Thursday . After about a half hour , it started to rain lightly . We figured it wouldn 't last . We rode on to our destination and all the way home in the rain . It rained all day … Cole was in a funny mood , so it wasn 't the best of rides . Every now and then , he gets that way . He bolted / spooked a couple times and tried passing Ranger without permission . He wasn 't as relaxed , either . Still , he went down the big hill the best , ever . Since it was still raining , Cruiser got the day off . we just led him in the indoor arena for a half hour to help with his insulin . He seemed happy just to follow us around . He likes to walk with me on one side and my sister on the other side , so he can take turns nuzzling us . On Monday afternoon , I saw what the weather forecast looked like , I wasn 't too busy at work , so I decided to take yesterday off . What a great decision . The weather was perfect for trail riding . My sister works second shift and usually rides in the mornings . I took Cruiser with her and Ranger for a short ride . She was really happy to have the company . When we got back , she went to work and I saddled up Cole . We were going to go on our second long solo ride . Unlike last week , the river was low , so we crossed at all 4 crossings . I didn 't like the third crossing . There was no good path through the big rocks . Cole was a dream going through them , though . From now on , I will be going on the river ford as I have the last few years with Cruiser . We had a few issues . We went through the busy intersection , and once we reached the trail , he bolted forward . I was able to stop him right away , but then he did it about 30 seconds later . Once again , I stopped him . Shortly after , on the other side of thanks , big river , he bolted up the bank . I didn 't know what to make of it , but I started trotting , and he went really , really fast for the first minute . I then decided he was just responding to excitement . He didn 't do it any after that . We trotted a lot on the way out , and once he settled , he did pretty well . A few times , he stopped on his own , but that was the only problem . We also trotted on the way home when we were far away . At first , he was steady and responsive when I asked him to return to a walk , but the closer we got to home , the faster he went and the less cooperative he was about stopping . Of course , that is what I would expect . I was clicking all of his good downward transitions on the way home . I didn 't click the bad ones . He wasn 't too concerned about the Brookpark Bridge , this time . I clicked him for that . He was a little worried when he saw the 480 bridge , but he did better than he did with the Brookpark Bridge last week . I clicked for good behavior . We turned around just past the second bridge to go home . A few times , on the way home , he tried to trot without permission , and I brought him to a halt and started again . To help explain what I wanted , I then clicked a few times for a quiet walk . He then saw the light , and stayed at a walk . We planned to walk the last half hour home , but 15 minutes into it , we found my boyfriend on his horse , Starry . He wanted to go on a longer ride , so I turned back with Cole and rode away from home for a while . Cole didn 't like that , and he tried to spin to go home , once . We put Starry ahead of him , and then he quietly followed him . I clicked him a few times for that , too . We made it home . With my backtracking with Starry , the ride turned out to be 2 hours and 45 minutes . It was a little longer than expected . I am giving him this evening off , and I will just ride Cruiser in the rain . Yes , after 10 days of sun , the rain is back . At least we got a break after a rainy , rainy year . Friday was just a quick trail ride on Cruiser before sunset . I then rode Cole in the arena . I am so glad I am going to start feeding on Friday evenings next month . We are supposed to feed at 8 : 00 , and the feeder fed at 6 : 45 . It is just hay , so I let Cole eat while I cleaned our stalls . When I was done , I took him in the arena . Wow , was he crabby . He kept trying to go to the gate , didn 't pay as good attention as he usually does and just didn 't want to cooperate . This is the first time I have taken him away from his hay for an arena ride . Sure , a horse should learn to behave under such adverse conditions , but I would just prefer not to go through it all . I have been feeding on Mondays and Wednesdays , and it is great that I can control the feeding time . The little bit of money helps , too . Saturday , my sister and I took Cruise and Ranger on a 5 mile ride with a lot of walking so we could talk . I then took Cole on the same ride alone with a lot of trotting and some cantering . He had trouble getting going into the canter , but when he did , he flew . I 'm glad to say I didn 't have any trouble stopping , but he was very excited , after that . it took a bit to calm him down . I need to do more cantering with him . Sunday , we took Cole and Ranger up to the show ring area , and there we did lots of trotting - more than ever . He was nearly perfect , too . We did the front loop trail , which we haven 't been doing with them , and they were both great . These trails are right by a stable that we used to keep Cruise , Ranger and Mingo . They have been silly up there , ever since . They get excited about going towards that barn , and pout when we leave it . Cole , of course , isn 't doing this - he is the opposite . This works to our advantage . I am trying to teach him to trot quietly towards home . Since Ranger is pouting and trotting slow , and since we have worked hard to teach Cole not to pass other horses without permission , he will trot slowly behind Ranger . I then took Cruise on a 4 . 5 mile ride . He did great , of course . He always does . My goal with Cole is to get him as good as Cruiser - and it seems like we are going to make it ! Plus , since I am older and wiser , I am teaching Cole things to make him better than Cruiser . ( Such as not passing up other horses , not trying to race and better downward transitions . ) Long weekend coming up … Last month , I was so frustrated with the weather . Only once , near the beginning of the month , I was able to ride Cole with Ellen on Ranger past the big river . From then on , even though we took vacation time , we never had another chance to repeat the ride . I wanted to do it a couple more times with Ranger before I tried it on my own . It just didn 't work out the way I planned . The first weekend of October came and went without us stepping one hoof on the other side of the river . where is all this rain coming from ? That weekend , there was an article in the newspaper stating that we are nearing the record for the rainiest recorded year in Cleveland . I was getting antsy about going on a long ride with Cole . I decided I would do it with or without Ellen - whichever came first . As soon as I got a chance , I would take a day off of work and go . The weather took a turn for the better , and on the first Tuesday of the month , I decided the first Wednesday of the month would be perfect . I got the day off from my job . Everything was set . That is , until I found out the river was still very , very high on Tuesday afternoon . Ugh . I woke up Wednesday morning with a smile on my face . This was going to be the big day , if I could only cross the river . I decided to take Cruiser for a short ride , first . As we neared the river , I couldn 't believe it was still on the high side . In fact , it was higher than any day I have ever crossed with Cole . I carefully crossed with Cruiser with no problems , got some good trotting in and brought him back to the barn . Next horse , Cole Train . It was cool and sunny ; a perfect day to ride . My pockets were loaded with carrots . I was all set for our big adventure . The first challenge was crossing the river . He didn 't like the looks of it and was very hesitant as we neared it . I asked him to step forward into the water . As soon as he did , I clicked and treated him . That got his attention . He knew the game . It was well over his knees , which isn 't so bad , butt the current was very strong . I clicked every few steps . About halfway across , he plunged his face into the water and started drinking . This was a first . He has never drunk from the river before , regardless how hot the weather was . We walked to the other side and turned left . This is also a first . We have only gone solo to the right , reserving the other direction for rides with Ranger to the show ring . He seemed a little surprised and hesitant to start with , but soon he was walking along happily . I decided to cross the next river crossing instead of going on the concrete ford like we usually do with Ellen . ( She prefers it to the river . ) I have had a little trouble with him , here , in the past , but he stepped right in . I clicked him . It was deeper over here , but the current was very slow , so I wasn 't concerned about it . Neither was he . We made it across without any difficulty . The next section of trail is a great place to trot , so we moved on out . He was excited and went a bit faster than he typically does with Ranger . Once , he burst into a canter . Yes , Cole was in a good mood . The next big obstacle with another river crossing . I opted to go on the concrete ford with the cars on this one . I am just not very familiar with that river crossing to try it on a day when the water was deep and muddy . Only single car passed us . I clicked him a lot for walking quietly . So far , so good . It was only about 5 minutes later that we reached the " big " river crossing . It was very deep and ominous looking . Though we crossed it last time with Ranger , I decided to go on the bridge with the cars . This is a pretty long bridge , and we go alongside the rail that overlooks the river below . I didn 't know how he would do his first time , but he proved , once again , that he is a wonderful horse . It helped that the " horse gods " were looking out for us , and not single car passed us , again ! He got lots of clicks . Once we got to the other side , I breathed a sigh of relief . There were no more roads or rivers to cross until we turned back for home . Now it was just time to ride and have fun . So we did . We did a lot of trotting , and after about 5 minutes , he settled down to a moderate speed and a nice even rhythm . Finally , I was riding the way I like to . We approached the Brookpark Bridge . It spans the whole valley and is huge . I forgot that it looked scary , but Cole told me right away . One of the legs of the bridge is very close to the trail , and from that spot , we can see the whole underbelly of the bridge . Throw in the noise of the cars going overhead , and it all looked and sounded like a horse eating monster ! This was the first time ever that Cole was truly afraid of something while I was riding him . He refused to go under the bridge . Instead , he showed me how good he has gotten at backing up . I asked him to stop , and when he did , I sighed and had him stand quietly while I talked to him . About 30 seconds later , I asked him to take a step , and he did . I clicked him for it , and I noticed him relax a little as he took the treat from my hand . I asked for a few more steps , which he took readily , and I clicked again . We kept this up until we got to the other side . Since I knew the next bridge is only a half mile away , I decided to turn back and go home instead of overload him emotionally . I turned , and he said , " No way ! That 's a horse - eating monster ! " We repeated the whole process until we got to the other side . On the way back , we did short stretches of trotting , and we would stop when he got too excited . Trotting home always gets horses a bit wound up the first few times . I want him to form good habits . So I don 't like him to practice the bad ones . Besides , I want the walk to be his default gait . I spent too many rides convincing him that he should walk quietly when he preferred to trot , to mess it up now . At one point , I gave him a long walk break , and then when I asked him to trot , he was perfect . I think I just gave him a chance to realize he was tired ! Back at the bridge over the big river crossing - we now had to ride on the other side . In one sense , it is easier because we can take the paved bike path that is by the side of the road - keeping us out of traffic . On the other hand , it is a little more complicated because we have to go between the bridge rail on one side and the rail of the pathway on the other . Some horses are bothered by them . Not Cole . The other difficulty is sharing the path with bikes passing right next to us . There , we lucked out , since not a single bike came by . I think he would have been fine , but it is nice to introduce him to something new without anything else to mess things up . The rest was easy . The river ford was uneventful . A few minutes later , I found Kevin on Starry coming out to meet us , and we went home with them . Cole seemed tired , and didn 't even care that Starry was there . He just walked quietly home . The ride was 2 and a quarter hours of heavenly bliss for me . I am hoping it is the first of many more . We have had more than 20 inches rain above normal this year , and we are closing in to break a record . What does this mean ? We had another rained out weekend . Friday , I rode Cruiser on the hill to the river and Cole in the arena . Saturday , we rode all the horses in the arena , as it was raining . Sunday , we took Cruiser and Ranger on the hill . I rode Cole in the arena , and then we headed to the hill , too . Monday , I rode Cruiser on the hill . I think I may be able to cross the river , tomorrow . This is simply ridiculous . We are supposed to have a good run of dry weather , for a while . I hope so . I have more vacation scheduled , and I want to get some good rides in . My sister and I took a 4 - day weekend off from work to get some trail riding in . Just like the one we tried a few weeks previous , we couldn 't cross the river the first 3 days . That meant doing the hill leading to the river with Cruiser and Ranger and working Cole in the arena . Having Ellen watch me and Cole during our rides was very helpful . She gave me all kinds of good advice , and she took video with her smart phone . She was able to show me how I was riding . One of the videos from the first day is on Facebook . With her suggestions , we improved over the weekend . It is amazing how much the way we ride effects the way a horse moves . By adjusting my seat , Cole adjusted the way he moved and improved on his consistency . So though we didn 't get on the trail , at least the time wasn 't wasted . One of the days , my youngest niece came out to ride . She goes with us on the trail . She rides Ranger , Ellen rides Cruiser and I ride Cole . Just going up and down the hill isn 't the most exciting thing to do . Ellen suggested that I ride Cole in the arena , and if he is doing well , my niece can ride him , too . Then we would take Cruiser and Ranger on the hill . Ellen didn 't mind not riding the hill , since we did plenty of it the two days before . Cole was doing very nicely in the arena . His big trot was up to full form , he was responsive and very well behaved . He was in the perfect mood for a novice . After about a half hour , I asked my niece if she wanted to ride him , and she dashed into the barn to get her helmet . I think it had been a couple months since she rode him in the arena last . She climbed aboard and proceeded to walk around the arena . He kept offering to trot - and it was the big trot - not a good trot for a beginner ! He was throwing her off the saddle . She figured out it was because she has short legs that rest on his side - where my long legs go beyond his sides . Her normal pressure was probably cuing the trot . Yes , he is that sensitive . I told her that he will stop if she says , " whoa . " That offered her a new challenge because he stops from a trot very suddenly if you ask him . ( Cole is always an over achiever . ) That 's basically how their ride went . Walk , go into the big trot , sudden stop and walk again . Yet , she kept her composure and stayed in the saddle . When I asked her if she wanted to ride him down to the river , her face lit up ! We headed down the hill . Ellen and I were at her side , but she was still a little nervous . Ranger goes fairly slowly down the hill . Cole is a speedy downhill traveler , and she was concerned he would try to trot . Since he was doing it for her in the arena , and I used to have trouble with him trotting down the hill , it was a reasonable thing to be concerned about . I had her do a lot of transitions down the hill when he got too fast . About halfway down the hill , on a level section , Ellen noticed a red - tailed hawk sitting on a log by the side of the trail . We stopped Cole and Ellen went on ahead to shoo the bird away . We figured if we were close and he flew up , Cole would be startled . As Ellen got closer , the hawk just looked at her . There was something wrong with it . Ellen told us to continue down to the river , and she would call the park . When we got to the bottom of the hill , Cole did try to trot with her a few times . Fortunately , my niece knew just what to do to keep from bouncing off . He walked quietly on the way back up to my sister . She said the park had her call the Lake Erie Nature Center ; which specializes in wildlife rehabilitation . They told us we would have to bring the hawk in to them . They didn 't have anyone that could come and get it . Yeah , right . We were going to catch a hawk . We went back to the barn and called Kevin . We also talked to a woman at the barn who has a big heart for animals - and birds at home . She showed us a large cat carrier that was at the barn . Suddenly , this seemed doable . While we were waiting for Kevin , we took Ranger and Cruiser out for their ride . The hawk was still there . On our last trip up the hill , here comes Kevin . He was all excited and enthusiastic about catching the hawk . He checked out the situation , headed back to the barn and gathered everyone that was going to help . Ellen went with them , but I stayed with my niece to untack and clean up the horses . After a while , they came back with the hawk . Apparently , as Kevin was about to throw a blanket on him while our friend was stroking his beak with a stick to distract him , Kevin slipped and fell on top of the hawk - catching himself before he crushed him . The blanket wrapped around him and they were able to get him in the cat carrier . Kevin was going to take him Nature Center , Ellen was going with him and I was going to take my niece home . ( That is , after a visit to Taco Bell . ) When I dropped her off , I told her mother we had an exciting day , and told my niece to tell her about it . She replied , " I rode Cole down the hill . " There 's a kid after my own heart . She didn 't mention finding and capturing a large bird of prey . What was important to her was riding Cole on the hill . ( It turns out the hawk had a damaged eye , and since their eyesight is so important to hunting and flying , she was weak from lack of food and dehydrated . If she can heal enough to hunt , she will be released . ) It rained again ! When I got out to the barn , it did stop in time for me to ride Cruiser down to the river and back a couple times . I 'm sure it won 't be crossable until Wednesday - and they predict more rain on Wednesday . This has been such an incredibly rainy year . I rode Cole in the arena . In spite of it being his 6th straight day of riding , he still had some energy left . I can tell he needs a break , so I think he will be happy to have today off . Me too . Actually , I am doing something very important this evening . I am signing papers on a house I am buying with my brother that we are going to use as a rental property . It is just a tiny one that is close to where we live . It was a foreclosure , so we got a good deal on it . We hope to have renters by spring . There are things we want to do to it , but they are all aesthetic . The house is quite solid , and it has a 2 car garage . It 's in a good neighborhood with good schools . I hope it works out . It is always scary purchasing something that is more than 3 digits - and this is 5 digits ! Back to horses , since that is what this blog is about . With the shortening of the daylight hours , I am going to start going out to the barn right after work instead of going home to eat , first . That way , I will be able to get a quick trail ride on Cruiser before sunset . Cole will just have to wait for the weekends . He is fun to ride in the arena , so I don 't mind . Posted by My sister and I took a 4 - day weekend off from work to get some trail riding in . Just like the one we tried a few weeks ago , we couldn 't cross the river the first 3 days . That meant doing the hill leading to the river with Cruiser and Ranger and working Cole in the arena . It is great to have eyes on the ground to watch me ride - even better when she can take video . Cole was trotting very curled up and behind the bit , a lot . There was a lot of tail swishing going on , too , which is something that seldom happens . I couldn 't figure out what was going on . My sister 's eyes and the video helped . It showed that I was curled . My shoulders were slumped forward . Who knows what caused this . Maybe he did . It may have been me responding to him - causing him to respond to me . A downward spiral . The next day , I made a conscious effort to uncurl , and guess what - so did he . He moved on the bit with a lighter forehand . I know , because I saw the video . The following day , we did just as well . After about a half hour , I let my niece ride him . She did very well with him , although he kept trotting . She figured out it was because she has short legs that rest on his side - where my long legs go beyond his sides . Her normal pressure was probably cuing the trot . yes , he is that sensitive . Of course , he had to use that big show trot of his , and that threw her around the saddle . She learned how fast he responds to " whoa , " too . Since she rode with such composure on a challenging arena ride , I asked her if she wanted to ride down to the river . Of course she did . She was nervous . She usually rides Ranger , and he goes fairly slowly down the hill . Cole is speedy going downhill , and she was concerned he would try to trot . Since he was doing it in the arena , and I used to have trouble with just that , it was a reasonable thing to be concerned about . I had her do a lot of transitions down the hill when he got too fast . When she got to the bottom , he did try to trot with her a few times . He walked quietly on the way back . She was so happy to have ridden him on the trail - even though it was only about 10 minutes of riding . Yesterday , my sister and I finally made it across the river . We went on our favorite ride to the show ring trails . I then took Cruiser our for 5 miles round trip in the other direction . It was a pretty day , but the mosquitoes were bad . I can 't wait for cooler weather . Due to rain , I rode Cruiser in the arena for the first time since spring , and he did much better than I expected . He is 24 , now , and in the last few years , he hasn 't been very cooperative in the arena . He doesn 't have the spring or enthusiasm . Also , he seems to be having trouble holding his head at the vertical . I am fairly certain that is caused by the tumor on his thyroid . It is getting pretty big . I know that how a horse holds his head isn 't as important as how he moves his body , but I am not sure if we can ride as connected as we used to if he is uncomfortable with the position of his neck . He is continually trying to find a good spot , and it often deteriorates into him trotting with his head straight up in the air like a Saddlebred . Of course , then I fall in the dip in his back , and it is all downhill from there . We started out with a lot of walking to get him warmed up - and we started the direction that he doesn 't want to go in . ( Another fairly recent development . ) once we started to trot , he was all over the place . The surprise - he settled down in a few minutes and lowered his head . I gave him a lot of rein , and he moved fairly well . When he started to putter , I was able to keep him regular with my seat . When we went his better direction , he was even better . Here is what I learned - all the work with Cole had mad me a better rider ! I have to be so very aware of what I am doing with Cole that I was quicker with Cruiser . Also , I am used to Cole 's stronger movement , now . I was able to use that skill to create a stronger movement in Cruiser - and he responded . I then rode Cole . He was a little goofy about the far end of the arena because of all the noises from the rain , but I persisted in doing my 5 laps at a walk each way . His trot was enthusiastic and pretty spectacular , at times . We worked on corners and circles and transitions . He seems to be grasping backing up pretty good . We were doing 4 steps at a time . after the first step , the cues for the rest were very light . I tried cantering , but we didn 't get it . I guess I need to do it more down trail . We had a great weekend for riding . Finally , it is cool and the bugs are leaving us alone . Saturday , my sister and I took Ranger and Cruiser out , first . I followed that up with my best trail ride , ever , with Cole . We went about 5 miles - further than I have ever gone by myself . He was near flawless . The only mistake he made was that big buck on our first canter transition . I could forgive him for that because I think it has been 2 weeks since I cantered on trail . The next 2 trans were fine . We did a lot of trotting , a little cantering and then walked home . Sunday , we took Ranger and Cole out first , and we had our best ride ever with another horse . We did the show ring trails , and his behavior was flawless . The ride consisted of a lot of trotting - and looking at the beautiful goldenrod - filled field . I think they are at the peak , and they are gorgeous . I then took Cruiser out for 5 miles . We met Starry on the way home , so he was very happy . What more can I say ? I love September trail riding . This weekend is going to be another 4 - day weekend . We hope that the weather is better than the last one , and we can get across the river the whole time . if so , we will have so much fun . I am riding Cole all over the place on the trail - walking , trotting and cantering , but I still felt nervous in the arena . Now , it didn 't help that I only rode him in there a couple times a week . It was the same old problem - the far end just got me nervous . That didn 't mean I didn 't go over there - I did , but I didn 't enjoy it . It distracted me . It didn 't help that the pasture of our barn and the neighbor 's barn are by the far end . If their horses were in their pastures - who knows what unexpected things would happen ? It was actually a big part of my problems , initially . Any sudden noise from that direction sent Cole flying ! In August , I started reading a book that mentioned I should set goals . I put the book down , and thought about it . I always ride with goals on the trail . As we meet each goal , I add a new one . It is a very effective way to train , obviously . It keeps us focused and on track . Now why haven 't ' I been doing this in the arena . So , right there , I decided to pick a goal . The first thing that came to my mind was trotting laps . I decided I would trot 5 consecutive laps in each direction . I then caught my breath at the thought of it . I would really be pushing to try that right now . I needed to make my goal achievable . I would walk 5 laps each direction - using the full arena . Isn 't it crazy that I couldn 't do this before ? I have been riding for many years , and I have spent plenty of time in the arena with Cruiser and Mingo . I needed to get over my arena anxieties . The plan was to walk the 5 laps in the first direction . I could stop , but when I started , I had to continue on the path . If I didn 't , I had to start all over again . For a person nervous about riding on the far end , that was quite an incentive to keep going . My first attempt was in the evening . There were horses turned out in both pastures . I wanted to do it at the beginning of the ride to get it over with . I was very nervous the first few laps , and I had to stop Cole and stand for a moment , but a miracle happened . By the 5th lap , I felt pretty good . I turned him around and did our 5 laps the other direction . The feeling I had was tremendous . Not only did I succeed with my goal , but all the fear and uneasiness had vanished . I ended up trotting Cole all around the arena . This marked a change in my arena riding . In just a few rides , I was a totally new person . I left the old one behind . He even spooked a few times on the formerly scary end . That didn 't stop me . I didn 't want to have to redo any of the laps . I stay focused and try to make the corners perfect . Sometimes I get bored and start trotting the laps and working on transitions . I now ride the whole arena whether there are horses out in the pastures or not without hesitation . In a very short time , I have changed my whole attitude about the arena . Other goals I have set are riding round circles , good transitions and inter - gait transitions . I have always had these goals , but now I have quantified them . I need 10 good transitions - and I won 't quite my circles until I get at least one of them round . I have never enjoyed arena riding as much as I have the last month or so . I am still only doing it a couple times a week , so we don 't get that much accomplished , but by the time winter rolls around , I will be ready … I took Cruiser on a quick trail ride before dark , and then it was time to work with Cole in the arena . He was so much more consistent than Monday . We warmed up at a walk , and when he went above the bit , I jiggled the rein until he lowered his head . I clicked the first couple times for it , but after he got the idea , I didn 't click anymore . Once I started trotting , he hardly went above the bit , and when he did , I corrected him easily . We practiced and clicked our trot trans - - I think 6 times and then he turned into " featherlite trans " horse . Our circles were rounder . There was a cone in the arena , and I used that as a guide . It made it much easier . I just tried to stay a predetermined distance from it as we went around . I then started to ask him for " more " trot . I clicked him when I got it and started again . After 4 - 5 times , " more " trot became " big " trot . I clicked him for it a few times right at the beginning , and then it was back - the " super big " trot that we discovered last week . My sister got one brief video of it before he quit doing it for the weekend , and from what I could tell , it looks spectacular . I was clicking him for it for longer and longer durations . Last night , I seemed to have some control over where he was going . He was able to do it on straight - aways and circles . I didn 't do too much of it , because I didn 't want to sour him on it . It is a lot of exertion for both of us . That being said , I think I like it better where I get it when I ask for it , and not all the time . This way , I can work on other things without getting exhausted . By working on the circles at a regular trot , then he does better on the circles with the " big " trot , etc . When I asked for the canter , I got a super - duper big trot . He also tried skipping , and once , he just got his legs all tangled , and we had to stop . No cantering last night . I need to do it more down trail so he learns that canter means canter and not just faster - and no skipping . I wish I had video of that . No one saw it , but my sister saw it a few times . This time seemed even more exaggerated than when she saw it . Clicker training makes horses very creative . We have been doing " back " the last few arena rides , and I think he is understanding it . We tried it early in his career , but it seemed to cause confusion , so I put it aside until now . I have to make a point in doing it every ride . I never knew arena riding could be so much fun . It won 't be such a long winter this year … I 'm sure everyone has wondered where I was - vacation ! Well , it was just a 4 - day weekend . And the river was too high for 3 of the 4 days , so I didn 't do the kind of riding that I wanted too . Still , I wasn 't at work , and that is really what vacation is about for me . I spent a lot of time in the arena with Cole . Here is what is happening is while working on consistency with his trot , I have lost the " big trot . " He would trot big for a while , and when I asked for a turn or corner , he would come above the bit and we would lose it . I was just trying to keep him from popping up , and when he did , to get him to reach down and round up , again . I figured that an ordinary trot was acceptable as long as he wasn 't above the bit . My plan worked . He is much more consistent through bends and corners , but he is not doing that fantastic trot . What I have been working on is more important , and I suppose the trot will come back when he is ready . Maybe when it does , he will have the skill to keep it . The weather was also hot for a horse growing his winter coat , and he was getting a lot of work , so he wasn 't quite bursting with energy by the end of the vacation . I finally cantered him in the arena . We did it on 2 days . It wasn 't easy the first few times , because he wasn 't sure what he was supposed to do . When we did canter , he didn 't get very far - but we did it , that 's what counts . I just rode Cruiser on the hill to the river on the days we couldn 't cross . Sunday , we went on a nice ride with Starry . They are good buddies . Before Cruiser and Ranger entered their senior years , every Saturday and Sunday , we took them on our favorite long ride . It was fast paced and fun . Usually , we would ride about two and a half hours or so . Sometimes , we would go a little further , too . Some years ago , we went down to once a weekend . Then we went down to occasionally and I 'm not sure of the last time we did that whole ride . The trails over there haven 't been well maintained , so we knew that we couldn 't do all the trotting and cantering that we used to do , anyway . That helped us not miss those fun rides quite as much . We still miss them , though … Well , the park is in the midst of repairing the trail . Unfortunately , the old guys are even older , now . We are very careful with them . I don 't think that we will be blasting down the trail with them like we used to . No more fast and far rides for them . We can do fast , and we can do far . We just can 't do both . To get to the good trail , we have 2 more unfamiliar river crossings and a busy intersection with a traffic light . I didn 't want to tackle all it on my own for the first time - - not because I didn 't think we could manage it , but I just wanted to do everything in my power to make the first time a success . We have been planning this for awhile , but we have had issues with the weather and the river . I didn 't want to cross the big river unless I could see the bottom . We could avoid the crossing by going on the bridge , but that wasn 't the point . I wanted to cross the river . Finally the weather cooperated , and we had a clear river on the weekend . We opted to skip one of the river crossings because there was a lot of stones on the bank . The horses just had their feet trimmed a couple days before , and Ranger was very tender . We did cross that river once before , so I didn 't need any help with it . We decided to avoid the stones . This meant crossing a river ford that Cole had never been on before . Ellen rode , but I decided to lead . This way , it would be easier for me to click him a few times during it . Ranger decided it would be better is Cole went first . Thanks , Range . Cole went right across , I clicked for good behavior and we made it to the other side . The busy intersection wasn 't busy , so we crossed over to the other side . Once I got into the trees , I mounted back up . Next stop - the big river . When I say big river , I mean it . It is three times as wide as all our other crossings and a little deeper . There are 2 branches to the Rocky River . This crossing is just beyond where the 2 branches join and turn it into a real river . It is not hard to cross , there is just so much more of it . Ellen and I had mapped out a good route across it a few years ago to keep us away from the uneven , slippery slate bottom . We were glad to see that it hadn 't changed . Ranger went first . As soon as we get into the water , we have to walk down stream , parallel to the land for about a minute . Then we get to a level section . We cross over to an island in the middle and then proceed to the other side . On the other side , we found the path leading up to the trail a little overgrown . I guess it was because we haven 't been riding there like we used to . They did repair the top of it where it had eroded badly , so this time , it was better that Cole went first . He would be clueless about the change . We then did a little trotting but mostly walked on account of Ranger 's tender toes . This area was still stony . We didn 't go far when we decided to turn back . We walked the horses home . It was as uneventful as the way out . The intersection was a little trickier because we had to cross two roads this time and wait with traffic at the light . No big deal for Cole . It all went well . And that is the lesson of the story . The reason everything went so perfect was due to being prepared . Cole was already confident with traffic , so crossing the busy ford and the intersection was easy for him . He was accustomed to all the smaller river crossings . This one was just more river . Taking him with another horse was even greater insurance of success . I would have been more surprised if things didn 't work as planned . It rained that night , so the next day we couldn 't cross any rivers . I didn 't mind . It met my goal , and Cole and I have a long future of rides that are fast and far . I just wish my sister could come with me … and Cruiser … and Ranger … I always consider this weekend to be the beginning of riding season . By now , the horses are in shape , we are in shape , the weather starts to cool , and best of all , I always find myself with a lot of vacation time left over . We have 2 long weekends , besides this long weekend , in September , alone . Tomorrow , my younger neice is coming out to ride . We will take the 3 horses out together . It is the only time we get to take the whole herd out for a trail ride . It 's supposed to be really hot . I 'm sure we will mostly walk with a little light trotting mixed in . Sunday , if the river is on the lower side , we want to venture out beyond the big river crossing with Cole and Ranger . We haven 't done it , yet . I want the river to be low for th first time . This crossing is not only deeper , but about 3 times the width of the other crossings . The trails on the other side were in bad shape , but they are finally starting to repair them . When they are done , they will be better than they have been in years . Yesterday , the farrier was out . Cole was better than last time . I can tell my farrier likes him . Not only has he not said a negative thing about him , ( unusual for any horse ) but he compliments his good behaviour and said he really likes his face . Compliments are few and far between from him . We love our farrier . We have used him for 24 + years . But he isn 't always the most positive guy around . I rode Cole in the indoor on Wednesday , and he improved over the last arena ride in there a week ago . I love that I am riding him on the trail so much that we aren 't getting in the arena often . Of course , it will change in a few months , but the shadow of winter never keeps me from enjoying Fall . I love Fall in Cleveland . Cantering Cole has been tough for me , but it 's my own fault . I never taught him to canter on the lounge line before I started riding him - or for that matter - all winter when I was lounging him before I rode him . I have to confess , part of the problem is I don 't like lounging . I see nothing wrong with it , but my time is limited and I prefer riding . Once I started riding him , I only lounged him enough so he 'd be safe to ride . He wasn 't a good lounger , either . When he was feeling his oats , I had bucking bolting and rearing . It was a sorry scene . I don 't know how many times I 'd be saying , " Get down , Cole . " Once he settled on the lounge , about 5 - 10 minutes into his session , he would lose all energy and get as bored as me . That 's when I would ride . When I start a young horse , I like to canter within the first few weeks of riding . Well , let 's see … What happened there ? The trail , that 's what happened . My weekends and days off were spent on the trail . In the beginning , we did mostly walking , and then I started to add trotting . I did work in the arena for short sessions once or twice a week , but he wasn 't doing as well in there as the trail . We had enough trouble staying at a quiet walk , at first . Once I started to trot , just containing his energy in a small part of the arena was tough enough . I wasn 't ready to try a canter . Winter came , and I had to get serious about my arena work . He went through that spell of bad spooking on the far end of the arena , and he just shook my nerves . I did my share of cantering when he spooked . I wasn 't ready to canter him - I could barely manage his trot for a while . My nerves settled down , and so did he . That 's when the big trot showed up . It took me some time to figure out how to even ride it . He would bounce me so high that I could felt the top of my feet hit the top of the stirrups . Finally , I was ready to canter - and he didn 't have a clue what I wanted . I couldn 't bring myself to beat him into it . He 's is such an enthusiastic and willing horse , that I don 't want to do anything to harm that attitude in the least . Last fall , Ellen and I spent several sessions on the trail using her as a target . I wrote about it and shared it with you . It was very successful . He got the idea , and I was able to canter him up to her where he would stop and get clicked for stopping . Since we couldn 't continue it , due to winter , he didn 't learn the cue well enough to transfer into the arena a few months later when I was ready to canter , there . We tried it again in the spring with less success than in the fall . I decided to try a different tactic . By now , I was riding with Ranger quite a bit , and we were doing as much trotting as we felt like . My idea was to have Ellen canter Ranger and Cole would be bound to pick it up . We went to a short , but smooth trail not far from the barn that is just ideal for such an activity . Ranger was happy enough to canter , and Cole was happy enough to trot all the faster . We tried a number of times and finally I got a few strides . We continued on our ride , and on the way home , when we got to that spot , we turned around and did it again . Cole remembered the game , and that time , I got about 15 wonderful , wonderful strides . Finally , it was time for me to try it on my own . One morning , I headed out solo . Ellen was hiking along , but she couldn 't keep up with me once I started to trot . When I got to that spot , I asked him to canter with a vocal , then a leg tap and finally a tap with the whip . It took one light tap and we were off ! He went very fast , but after about 5 strides , he moderated and it was wonderful . I brought him to a trot , and I clicked for the downward transition . I wanted him to know it was good to stop cantering . I didn 't bother to click him for the canter transition , because I figured cantering alone was enough reward . We did some trotting , and then when we got to some more good trail , I requested the canter - and got it ! I did about 5 canter / trot transitions that ride until I got to the next river crossing . We crossed and trotted for about 5 minutes before turning to come home . Since then , I have cantered on my own at least once or twice a week . I think that brings me up to 4 times . He is eager to canter , and he has been experimenting . He has learned , I hope , that he isn 't supposed to canter without me asking . He has learned that he gets yelled at when he throws in a big buck on his transition . ( I 'm so glad Mingo prepared me for that move . ) He has learned that he can 't throw his head down to buck while cantering and finally , he has learned to slow down a little because it is easier . I am a big stickler in a horse staying at the gait that we are traveling in . If I am walking , I want him to stay walking until otherwise notified . That goes for all gaits . So I will be careful with him to instill this lesson . ( I must confess , I am no longer that way with Cruiser , but was for the first 20 years . Now , if he wants to go faster , I smile because I 'm just glad that a high - mileage , older horse still wants to go fast . If he wants to go slower , I figure he knows better than me how he feels . When Cole is his age , I 'll let him choose the speed , too . ) I have started rereading " In Search of Your Image - A Practical Guide to the Mental and Spiritual Aspects of Horsemanship " by Jill Keiser Hassler . I bought the book a number of years ago , and found it too spiritual for me . Times change , and so did I . My life is different , and now the book seems so much more relevant . In the first chapter , it discusses the motivations of why we are involved with horses . I never gave it much thought , before . Here are the most common reasons that are listed : Love of Horses . I have loved horses from the time I knew what a horse was . I bet a lot of people would include this on their list , but honestly , I have known a few people who didn 't even seem to like horses , let alone love them . They must have had different motivations for riding . Exercise . I love the exercise I get around horses . I know that exercise is good for me , and around horses - I don 't even feel like I am exercising at all . It is a big bonus - but not real reason I spend time with horses . I 'm just glad my hobby furnishes me a chance to exercise and helps keep me in shape . Challenge . I like how horses are always challenging me with something new . Whether it is a problem that I need to solve , or just something new that I am trying to learn , the challenges give me something to think about and learn from . I think that is why , even when Cole was intimidating me in the arena last winter , I never gave up . My biggest challenge became overcoming my nerves . Mental Well - being . I usually feel better after being around horses . There was a time back when Mingo was very sick that I felt worse with each visit to the barn . I had even considered giving up on horses during that time , because I was feeling so sad about all of it . It was then that I realized how much my mental well - being is tied to my horses . It wasn 't just the sadness involved with Mingo 's illness , but I didn 't get that boost in spirit that revived me for the rest of the day . now that my heart has healed , I feel terrific after a good day at the barn . Last week , my sister and I took Maggie and Thunder to the vet . Maggie for shots and Thunder for his wellness check . He doesn 't get shots because he is very allergic . Anyway , we had been seeing a particular vet at the practice . She moved on , so we went to Dr . Shaw . Dr . Shaw has taken care of many of our pets over the years . In fact , at one point during the exam , he paused , sighed , and said , " One thing I will remember for the rest of my life is Indi . " Indi was my Siamese for 19 . 5 years . She was as gentle as she was tough . She never gave up - - even after kidney disease and losing 5 teeth . She kept going strong - - with my help , of course . I gave her fluids , and catered to her every need . When I got Thunder , I started brushing his teeth . Because I couldn 't do a very good job , at first , I got in the habit of doing them every day . I still do . He is now 5 , and has lovely teeth . He looked up with this big smile on his face . " Really . . . " He then reached for his camera . Thunder quietly lay there while Dr . Shaw focused in on his teeth and took a picture . He downloaded it to his computer desktop and showed it to us blown up on his display board . He is going to use the picture to show people to encourage them to try brushing their cat 's teeth , too . Thunder is going to be an inspiration ! He also showed us the other picture he uses - - a picture of a dog who had 23 teeth removed . He showed us the dog 's mouth and then the removed teeth . What a contrast to Thunder 's teeth . My cat has beautiful teeth . My sister 's cat has no teeth . He had them removed due to an autoimmune disease where his body was attacking his teeth . He is now eating dry food and playing all the time . She won 't have to do any brushing , but if he had normal teeth , I 'm sure she would . We really dote on our cats . I rode with my older niece , after work on Wednesday . We had a really nice time , but it was bittersweet . She went back to college , and she won 't be able to ride with me again until next summer . Anyway , I wanted to make sure she cantered Ranger at least once before she left . We rode to a spot that he likes to canter , I explained what to do , and it worked like magic . Ranger cantered and my niece smiled . They both did wonderfully , and she discovered what a terrific canter felt like . She has cantered a few times over the years , but never on Ranger . He is wonderful . On the way home , we turned the horses around and cantered there , again . This time , they went a little faster . She was exhilarated . Thursday , my sister and I took Cole and Ranger up to the show ring area . We did lots of trotting all about . We ever rode in the front field , which we only did once before . Cole was flawless . I took Cruiser out on a ride by himself . Friday , we took Cole and Ranger on our 5 mile ride . Once again , we had a flawless ride . We did try to convince Cole to canter with Ranger in our favorite spot , and he got a few strides in . Up to this point , that 's the best he 's done with cantering . We have tried it here , before . Saturday , my younger niece came out to ride with us . We took all 3 horses on the 5 - mile ride . Flawless , again . We did a lot of walking and a little trotting . The older horses were on the slow side , so we changed our plans for Sunday . Sunday , we took Cruiser and Ranger to the Lagoon . It is a short ride , and we only did a little trotting . They enjoyed the easy ride , and my sister and I just talked and enjoyed the light rain . I then took Cole on a 4 . 5 mile ride . at the spot that we have been trying to get him to canter , I asked him - and he did ! ! ! We went about 200 feet and stopped . The rest of the ride to the next river crossing with filled with transitions . He seems to know what the word means - in the first lesson . He isn 't consistent with the vocal command , but he will be , soon . I only clicked him for downward transitions . Once we crossed the river , we stayed at a trot , and though he was excited and trotted fast , he didn 't offer a canter . I think he knows he needs to wait for the command . What a sweetheart . We turned around and walked home . 3 . 51 inches of rain . That was the official tally for this weekend 's storm . Needless to say , I didn 't cross the river last night . I rode Cruiser 3 times on the hill , and Cole and I worked in the arena . He did much better than he has for the last few weeks . I was getting the big trot more consistently and for longer durations . We lasted 35 minutes , and then a couple other horses came in , so I decided I would take him down the hill rather than deal with all the dust . He was fine on the hill . I know it wasn 't long ago that a trip on the hill meant racing down and racing up . What a difference , now . He walked down like a gentleman and walked back up like a gentleman . I would have done more , but I am losing patience with the mosquitoes . I took Cole on 2 rides this weekend with my sister on her horse , Ranger . All I can say is they were dreamlike . Everything he knew how to do , he was perfect . Some new things that we added - like trotting towards home and trotting in new places , he was great . We did try cantering with mixed success . He just doesn 't understand that that is what I want him to do . I figured when he was Ranger cantering , he would understand , but that hasn 't been the case . It 's odd , because when my sister is on foot , and simulates cantering , he understands . Anyway , we did get it a couple times for a very short distance . I 'm sure we will work it out - and I hope soon - it was such a lovely , lovely canter . Cruiser has a fair canter , and Mingo 's was tough unless he went fast . Ranger has an awesome canter , and Cole 's seemed more like Ranger 's - for the short distance we traveled . There is a big difference between naturally rear - wheel drive horses and naturally front - wheel drive ones . At last , I got a rear wheel ! I had 2 great solo rides on Cruiser this weekend . We got in just in time , yesterday morning . We were only inside a few minutes when the deluge hit , and only ended this morning . I am going riding tonight , but I won 't be able to cross the river . I will work the hill with Cruiser and spend my time with Cole in the arena . Some good news - looks like deerfly season is winding down . They didn 't have to wear their bonnets yesterday , and I only saw a couple that were easy to kill . All we have to worry about , now , is the mosquitoes , which is bad enough . I don 't ever remember a worse year for mosquitoes . I took my older niece out riding last night . I was on Cruiser and she rode my sister 's horse , Ranger . All went well for most of the ride . She is really mastering posting . On the ride home , we just walked , so I suggested she practiced her hands . She needs to keep them steady with even contact . She is such a conscientious student - she practiced all the way home until she fell off . When we were crossing the river , which was very low and slippery , Ranger slid a bit in the back and started to fall . A better rider may have been able to stay on - but at least she didn 't throw him off balance and cause him to fall , too . I didn 't see it until she was sitting in the water and Ranger was walking towards us . I got off , but not in time to reach Range 's reins . He walked right by Cruiser , up the river bank and happily for us - turned the opposite direction of home when he got to the top . By now , my niece was up and walking towards us . ( Unhurt but soaked . ) I sent her ahead while Cruiser and I blocked the path towards home . Ranger was munching a patch of grass that he has probably had an eye on for years . My niece took the carrot that was in her pocket and slowly approached , stretched out her arm and Ranger traded his freedom for a piece of carrot . I rode Cole in the outdoor arena - first time in a couple weeks or more . It finally dried out enough . Well , the stables next to us had 6 horses turned out , and they were running all around because of the bugs . There was someone riding there and someone cutting grass . We didn 't get much accomplished . A few times , the mower hit something and that spooked Cole . He did try to run once when the other horses ran and he didn 't pay much attention to me . Overall , he did better than I thought he would with the distractions , but it still wasn 't as much fun as it usually because of them . That 's just how things go … Yesterday evening , I found my boyfriend at the barn . I never know when he is going to ride with me . Sometimes , he rides in the morning and still comes out to help me in the evening . This time , he saved his riding so he could ride with me . I decided to take Cole with him . We did this a few weeks ago with good success . This time , I was going to be braver and trot more . It helped that the trail has been repaired - allowing us to trot a lot more than before . Now , my boyfriend has limited control with of his horse . He can tell him which way to go and at what gait , but he has very little control of the speed of his gait . Starry goes at whatever speed he likes . I asked my boyfriend to try to go a little slower , but I was wasting my breath . I 'm not sure if he didn 't try , couldn 't succeed or never heard me . Each time he asked Starry to trot , he went at a pretty brisk speed - much faster than when we trot with Ranger , but still slower than when we trot alone . I 'm glad to say , though I worried Cole would get excited and try to race , he never passed Starry . We probably trotted a mile , all told , and Cole was perfect . Even when Starry started to canter , Cole just trotted faster . I was very pleased . I have been remiss in blogging , but that 's not because I haven 't been riding . I 'm doing that as much as ever . My nieces have been riding with us , and that makes it all the more fun . Unfortunately , I only have a few more weeks before the older one goes back to Cornell . I sure will miss her company . I have been asking more of Cole , so that means we have been encountering more difficulties . I could have kept it easy and just taken him on short walk - only rides , but I want to trot , canter and go further . Friday evening , when I took him on a trail ride by himself , he was very annoyed with the bugs . That really does affect our rides . He wants to either go fast or go home . When I ride him alone , his speed of trotting is incredible , and lately , I have lost his good downward transitions . He has been getting excited , and since I have asked him to canter a few times on the trail , he has been offering it on his own , again . When I ride with another horse , he pretty much will match the speed of the other horse . Well , yesterday , he decided to try and pass up Ranger . The first time , Ranger snarled at him . the second time , I spun him to get him to stop and we headed back towards Ranger so I could put him behind him where he belongs - well , Ranger marched toward him with an ugly face , and Cole just backed away from Ranger in fear . I had him take a wide berth around Ranger , and then we trotted one more time . Cole was perfectly behaved . Where I try to train with positive and negative reinforcement , Ranger is training with positive punishment . I hate to admit it , but I think that Ranger 's method may be working . Cruise is doing well , and I am riding him 5 days a week on the trail . each spring , I ask for one more summer . Looks like he is living up to my request . He is energetic and enthusiastic . Last year , he didn 't want to canter . This year , he is cantering quite a bit . Last year , he needed to pause and rest on the hills . This year , he goes straight up . Of course , he is happy to trot forever . He went to his first show , yesterday . Don 't get excited . We just rode to the show grounds and stood on the outskirts for about 10 minutes . Rnager kept inching forward - - he wanted to wander around amongst the activity . He loves doing that . There were horses going past us or warming up in the field nearby , the loud speaker was blaring and horses were calling . Cole behaved well at the show , but as we rode away , I told Ellen I expected an expression of emotion any moment . About a minute later , he jumped and squealed . At least he didn 't let me down . He was in a funny mood the whole ride . I think it was the bugs . A number of times , he tried to spin and go home . Twice , he nearly collided into the jaws of death - - Ranger 's gaping jaws . I think Ranger taught him manners better than I could ever teach him . We did do some new things , and he was great for them . All the trotting went well , too . It was just when we were walking and getting swarmed by mosquitoes that he misbehaved . We had another pretty big flood this month . When the water went down enough to cross , we found a large log partially blocking the river bank on the far side , a faster current and funny ripples that weren 't there before . Either the slate bottom got torn up or some big rocks were moved in . It was hard to tell because the water was still muddy . Kevin tried to go on a ride on his own , and Starry refused to cross . A few days later , he wanted to ride with me to help get Starry to the other side . I took Cruiser and I am glad to say that Cruiser wasn 't worried about the changes at all . The only problem we had with him was he wanted to drink and drink . We just wanted to get Starry across before he thought too much about what we were doing . Eventually , Cruiser decided to cooperate and we made it ! On the way home , Cruiser stepped on what I correctly guessed was a large , flat piece of shale about 6 inches high . He put his hoof on it , started to shift his weight to step up , paused , did it again , paused , and when I asked him to move to the side of the rock , he happily took his hoof off and put it next to the shale . It is so nice to have a horse that thinks before acting . The next morning , Ellen tried to cross Ranger , and he refused . It looked too funny to him . They worked out a compromise - once he got all 4 hooves in the water , she turned him around and they gave up on the river . Well , that put me in a tough spot . The following evening , my niece was supposed to ride with me , and she rides Ranger . I talked it over with Ellen , and we decided that I would ride Ranger across and then we would switch horses on the other side . We knew that Cruiser would cross , and that should help Ranger . I 'm glad to say that the water was lower , and now we could see all the large hunks of shale that were washed down ; causing the funny ripples . The water was still traveling faster that it used to . I told my niece to start down the river bank to the water . Ranger refused to go first . Cruiser thought Ranger had the right idea - and who was that on his back , anyway , and why did he have to listen to her ? Poor Ranger had to take the lead . I clicked him halfway down the bank and gave him a carrot . That put him in a much better mood . I clicked him when he stepped into the water , too . He stopped and I gave him another carrot . He was nervous . Cruiser wasn 't in the lead like he was supposed to be . I asked Ranger to walk , and he started wading through the water . I clicked and clicked and clicked , but he was so uptight that he didn 't stop ! When we got to the other side , I he finally stopped for a click . I hopped off and gave him the handful of carrots he should have gotten if he had stopped while I was clicking . Cruiser finally made it over , and we switched horses and enjoyed the rest of our ride . The only other difficulty we had was on the way home . I forgot to tell my niece to be careful about the log on the river bank that initially scared Range . I was in the lead and heard a noise . It was Ranger scurrying down the river bank and into the water to get away from the log . No harm done , and it was a good experience for my niece to ride a nervous horse for a few seconds . He calmed down and was fine the rest of the way home . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . .

My dad is my hero . He 's cheerful , kind , and makes me smile when the job is done . He 's always going to be my hero . My father 's name is Shane . It was summer time when it happened . The river was up north where our cabin was . We go up north every year . My mom and my brother were at the shore when this happened . I was swimming and the current took me away . My dad was fishing when this happened . I was crying and my dad heard me , so he swam even faster and got me out . When he was going to get me out , his glasses fell in the water so I clung on to them . All that I could hear was gurgling sounds of water and my mom talking to my brother . My mom was saying , " Auron , its OK . Daddy will be right back with sissy . " Auron said , " Mommy I want sissy ! " Auron was crying like crazy because he wanted me . Dad 's line was gone but I was more important than that thing to him . I was scared and nervous . I thought I was going to be gone forever . Then I felt my dad pull me by my arms and shirt , and I thought for a moment , then I knew my dad was my hero . Then we went home to the cabin and we hugged . My dad is the most courageous and fearless person I know , to swim down the river to get me . He listens like a hawk , so that he doesn 't miss some noises that are difficult to hear . In fact , my dad is wonderful . I 'm grateful for my dad . He 's always going to be my dad , the hero ! My dad is protective . My dad saved me from going with the current , and that is why my dad is my hero . My brother protected me because he was helpful to cheer me up . He was my hero to save me when Hunter punched me in the face in 2007 . That 's my hometown hero . First we were playing a game called , " Catch Me If You Can ! " It was really fun . I tumbled down the hill . My brother was laughing when I tumbled down the hill . I dashed up the hill and did it again . It wasn 't fun at all , when Hunter punched me . Next Scott talked to Hunter and he was really mad . There was a lot forgiving in the talk with them . Nycole , Cheyenne , and Hunter 's friends were there . We went home and they went home . When we told my mom she was puzzled . Finally we put an ice pack on my eye . When I was five years old in the summer in the afternoon , I was playing in a tree . I fell out . When I looked up , I was very dizzy and my wrist hurt very bad . I iced my wrist . I felt the coldness of the icepack and the pain of my wrist . The next day we went to the hospital . The doctors took x - rays . The x - rays showed that my wrist was fractured . Then I had to wear a cast for two to four weeks . We went back to the hospital . They were going to suck the cast off with a machine but I said , " I can take it off . See ! " So I pulled it off and my wrist felt better . Truly I felt very proud of my mom because she helped me get through the pain . My mom is amazing . She is a loving person and cares for me . My hero is Brett Michal Vogel . He saved my life . If it weren 't for him , I wouldn 't be here right now telling you this story . It all started when my family wanted to get out of the house . We went to the Super 8 Hotel with my cousins , sister , and brothers . My family was having a good time and having fun . Then it happened . I started to drown . It was terrifying . I was in five feet of water . My mom and dad were on the side of the pool . My mom thought I was just playing . Then Brett saved me by swimming over and putting me over his shoulder . Then put me in shallow water . When I was in the deep water , it was like battling a wolf . Then he saved me . In fact , Brett Michal Vogel is my hero . I am proud that I have him as a cousin . If it weren 't for him , I would not be here . One fall day at school , I got sick . I called my mom . My mom came to pick me up . The next day my mom took me to Dr . Winer . He told my mom I was sick and for me to take it easy . My mom took me home . A week later , I became sicker , so mom took me back to Dr . Winer 's office . He told my mom that I was dehydrated . My mom took me to Deckerville hospital . I had to get X - rays and stay for two weeks . I was scared . My mom and dad took turns staying in the hospital with me . When they put in the IV , they numbed my arm . That made sure it didn 't hurt . My last day at the hospital , I felt a lot better . I was eight years old when I fell in a ditch at the back of my grandpa 's land . Before I fell , I was playing Bionicle with my brother . My brother Coltan was Vicoma and I was Leicon . We were pretending to fight . I was by the ditch and my brother pushed me but that 's not why I fell . I tripped on a big rock and fell . I felt scared . I was yelling , " help " and then dad came and tried to help , but the ditch was too big . He went away . I said , " such good help . " Then he came back with a crane . He put the crane down in the ditch . I hung on to the end of the crane . My dad pulled me out of the ditch . I think my mom should be a hero . My mom saved me from not crying . My mom is a hero for taking me to the hospital to see my dad . My dad was cutting wood . My dad and my Uncle Greg were in the woods cutting a tree . The tree got stuck and my dad and Uncle Greg bent over to get their saws . My uncle turned around and my dad was on the ground . The next thing my dad knew he was out of the woods and on the way to the hospital . When my dad was in the hospital , my mom took me to see my dad because I wanted to see him . It was sad . The sad part was my dad was in the hospital because a tree limb hit him on the head . What else was sad was I was not allowed to see him until the stitches were done . My dad came home with my mom and me . We got supper at Champions . My mom kept asking him questions . My mom is my hero because she took me to the hospital so I could see my dad . I wanted to see him because he is my dad and I love my dad so very much . In fact , my mom saved me from not crying . My mom was a good hero to me . My mom was so sad . I was broken hearted because my dad was in the hospital . When I was seven years old , my Mom and Dad took me to Midland Community Swimming Pool . When I got to the pool , I jumped in and I was trying to swim but I didn 't know it was the deep side . I felt scared and I didn 't know what to do . I felt desperate . My Mom saw me drowning so my Mom jumped in and saved me . I was about to stop breathing . Then my mom helped me dry up and we decided to go home . My Mom helped me another day when I got sick . She took me to the hospital . My heroes are the best . They saved me from one more thing . When I was chasing my sister down the stairs , I broke my arm . I told my sister because I fell down the stairs . Mom and Dad called the ambulance as fast as they could . Then when we got to the hospital , the doctor said that I broke my arm so he put a cast one . In fact my heroes saved me a lot of times . I 'm also glad they are my Mom and Dad ! They are helpful . I feel like they 're the best heroes in the world . My Uncle Mike 's farm by the back barn is about a mile away from our house . My mom was feeding cattle for my Uncle Mike . I had to go because there was no one to watch me . It was spring and I was about 7 . When my mom feed the cattle , she puts corn in a wheelbarrow . Then she goes to the end of the trough and dumps it out until it is close to the other end of the trough . When she was feeding cattle , I was playing in mud . This is how I went over to some mud . Then I was trying to get kind of stuck so I could get out . Eventually I started to sink like I was in quicksand . After I started to sink , I yelled " Help ! " Finally , my mom heard me . Then my mom rushed over and struggled to pull me out . After a couple tries she got me out and told me to go back to the house . When I got there my grandma cleaned off all the mud . Then after my mom was done we went home . First my dad had to help my Uncle Alger . We went to Aunt Kim 's house . I went to play with Logan and Ethan . We played kick ball and baseball . Then we went into the house to watch Family Guy and played downstairs in their basement . We played on the treadmill . I had it going too fast . I flew off the treadmill into a door . It really hurt . Then we went outside to play nightlight tag in the pool area . I fell in the deep end of the pool . I felt scared for a minute . I got my head above the water to yell . My dad heard me yell out . Then dad went out the door and jumped in the pool to save me . He had grabbed me by the shirt . Then he pulled me out of the water . My dad is my hero . He saved me from a lot of things . When my dirt bike throttle got stuck , he caught me before I hit a tree . It was on the weekend , and I was playing on my dirt bike . I was driving at my Marlette house . I was going from the front of the driveway to the back yard . My dad was walking a bucket to my dog , Chevy . My dirt bike was revving a lot . " Zzzzzz ! " My dad heard me yell , " Ahhhh ! " My dad saw me in front of him , and he stood there and just caught me off the ground . I felt very safe when he caught me . I felt my dad catching me because he grabbed me from the ribs . One time my dad had to go to the gas station . It was in the middle of the summer . When my dad opened the door , my foot was right in there and then the door shut . CRACK ! I was bleeding . My dad said , " Come on , let 's go home . " I was wearing flip flops that day so I was a little lucky . Then , he lifted me up and put me in the van . I was only five . When we got to my house , my dad laid me on the couch . He got some ice packs . It really stung . Then my dad turned on the TV . I was still crying . Then in the next instant , I fell asleep . The next day it still hurt really badly . My toe was blue and purple . My dad said we should go to the doctor . The doctor said to let it heal up by itself . Two weeks later , my toe felt better . Then two days later , I had no pain at all . I said , " Thanks dad . " Truly , I am proud of my dad for doing everything he 's done . It all started when my mom and I were going for a walk on a hot summer day . We were walking on a back road by my Aunt Jessica 's house . I was riding my scooter when all a sudden I hit a big rock and went flying . I fell on my knee . When I hit the ground , it was bleeding , and it was all scraped up . My mom was a little behind me . She came running as fast as she could . Then I felt someone pick me up . It was my mom . She carried me all the way home . She put peroxide on it . It stung a little bit , but then white bubbles came on top of the cut . Then , finally , my mom put salve and a big band aid on it . I sat on the couch and propped my leg up , and watched T . V . My hometown hero is Jordan Kaufman the Ubly football quarterback of the team . He didn 't look for a reward , he just likes to play the game . Jordan practiced every day he could and practiced with the team . He practiced for years . The team lost a lot of games and took a few of them . Then a year later they won them all except for one . The Bearcats went to the finals at Ford Field . They tried and tried , but the team lost the game really bad . Therefore my hometown hero is Jordan Kaufman . He likes the game and not the rewards of the game My sisters and brother were playing demolition derby downstairs and we were causing a commotion , so my mom came downstairs to tell us to go outside . We flew to hide . I hid in my bedroom . Rakel , Arisa , and Shane ran outside . I ran after them , but my mom shut the screen and I didn 't see her . " RIP ! " I went right through the screen . It hurt because I fell right on the pavement . I started to cry . I ran around the house and went back inside . When I went inside and hid under my bed and cried until my mom came down and said , " If you tell dad when he comes home instead of him figuring it out himself , he won 't be as mad . " So when my dad got home from work , I told him that I accidentally ripped through the screen and I 'm sorry . My dad wasn 't as mad as I thought he would be . So I walked back downstairs and showed my dad where I broke the screen and he said , " It will be easy to fix . " Truly that is why my mom is my hero . She is my hero because she saved me from not telling my dad that I broke the screen . I was happy that my mom helped me . I was at a family reunion . I was running and jumping off a stage and didn 't know that my Uncle Bob stopped catching people . I hit the ground with my wrist all bent up . My wrist was really throbbing . I yelled and screamed for help . Theresa sprinted out of the house . Then she took me to the hospital . The doctor put a cast on my wrist and sprayed it with water . I felt better at last . First , my Aunt Laura was home from college and brought her dog , Teddy . Teddy was a big dog . He was a very pretty tri - colored dog . He weighed about 500 pounds . When I was talking to my Aunt Laura , Teddy opened his mouth and bit me . Finally , I went to the hospital with my mom . I got eleven stitches . When it was over , I went to Wendy 's with my dad before he went back to work . He drove back to the hospital and gave me to my mom . All in all , I feel safe around my Aunt Laura . She is my hero . I still remember Teddy very well and I don 't know why he bit me . Carmen is my horse trainer . She is very helpful and she is caring . I was in big trouble when this happen . She came to help because my horse would have stepped on me . First it happened when I was riding my big horse , Lucky . Carmen was there , but I was riding alone . All of a sudden Lucky thought she was done . She was not . Lucky started to buck . I was absolutely not expecting it . Then I fell off and I hit my head on a rock . My helmet helped a lot but not all . Carmen came to help . I could feel her stepping over top of me in the nick of time . Otherwise Lucky would have stepped on me . In fact , I was thankful that Carmen was there . Carmen is my HERO ! My hero is my Dad because he let me play football . When I played in the game , he cheered for me . He was supportive the whole season long . At first , I said I didn 't want to play . My big brother made me change my mind because he was playing football . I asked if I could play football and my dad said , " yes . " We went and signed me up . Then , at the first practice , we did our stretches . Then we did tackling drills . Next , we practiced plays . I was the safety and corner . After the first practice , I went home with my dad . He said I did pretty well . That Sunday was our first game . We won and my dad congratulated me . That is why my dad is my hero . I was really proud of myself , too . Indeed my dad is my hero because he is supportive . He is willing to give up his time to let me play football . I am glad he let me play . My hero is my mom . My mom is very helpful and caring . She saved me from getting hurt . Last year at my house mom saved me from hitting the side of the garage with my bike and getting bruised up . I was racing my brother down a hill . My brother and I made a deal that if he won I would give him a penny . I made a deal . So I raced him . I was coming down , and we both came down and collided . He sent me into the garage . My mom was there , and she grabbed the bike before it fell and I got hurt . In fact I feel thankful ! My mom is supportive . My mom saved me from hitting the side of the garage My mom is my HERO . She is hardworking , loving , and protecting . Why she is loving is because she loves me a lot . Why is she hardworking and protecting ? She has four kids to care for and if one of us gets hurt , she is concerned . I was sick and she would get me all the things I needed . The next day I was feeling better , so I went outside and played on the swings . It was the summer of August 7 , 2008 and I fell off the swing . How I fell of the swing was my sister Bekka came up behind me and up , up , up I went . Next thing you know , I was flat on the ground . My mom saw me and ran outside . All that was hurt was my arm and my leg . My mom works at the Ubly Medical Clinic . I was glad because all it was a torn muscle . When I looked at it in the picture it was cool . So I was happy because my arm was not broken . When we went home I got ice cream . But , when mom and I got home , Bekka and Ethan bawled because I had ice cream . I was happy because I got ice cream , but sad for Bekka and Ethan . So when we got home , it was not so joyful . Truly I felt glad and loved . My mom is my hero , and her name is Tracey Foster . She is protective and helpful . That is why she is my hero . His senior year he broke the state record for weight lifting . I was at the state meet , but not really paying attention . All of a sudden , I heard screaming and the crowd going wild . I turned over and saw my brother with a smile . I started to clap . The reason why the crowd was going wild was because Torrie had broken the state record . When I was seven years old my mom was cooking . I watched her and I was climbing on the cupboard in my house . When I got down and I slipped and there was glass by me and I fell on it . It was night time , and my mom was upset that I cut my leg . Then I was crying and crying and my dad , Martin Block , was telling me . " It 's OK . Mom will take you to the hospital . " My leg was throbbing . My mom , Deborah Block , was hurrying and my leg was bleeding like crazy . She was trying to get dressed . She told my sister Kelsey to get clothes for me . When we were driving in the car , my sister Sarah comforted me on the way to the hospital . She wrote a text message and it said " I love u . " She let me play games on her phone . My mom hurried up to the front desk and we were waiting in the waiting room for a while . She was holding me and held my hand waiting for the doctor to come . He said he was going to numb my leg so the pain would go away and it hurt a little bit . First , when I was three years old and the year was 2003 , my mom and dad got a babysitter to watch me while they went to work . I was jumping on the couch . I don 't know why . I guess , I liked to jump on couches . I wasn 't playing a game . I apparently slipped and cut my head open . There was blood everywhere . It looked like roses without stems . My babysitter screamed and ran to the phone . She was very afraid of blood . She called my mom and dad at work . Then mom and dad came home and had to miss a little bit of work . They had to drive me to the hospital . The doctor gave me a sleeping shot , and instantly I fell asleep . They glued my head together . Mom and Dad drove me home and all I was waiting for was my head to heal . It was when Ashley was younger . My sister was riding the three - wheeler with my dad in the cut down cornfield behind our house . She lost control of the three - wheeler and flipped it . My dad hurried over and flipped the three - wheeler back on its three wheels . She hurt herself by the eye with a cut down cornstalk . She rode in the ambulance with my mom and dad with her teddy bear . In fact , Ashley was extremely brave . Now she is too afraid to ride the three - wheeler . But I don 't blame her because that would be very scary . My mom is hardworking , protecting , and joyful . When I was in the hospital , she protected me and kept me company . She 's also helpful and she cares about me more than anything . She 's the best person in the whole United States . Last year when I got my tonsils out , I went home for three or four weeks . I didn 't eat solid foods , but I ate soft foods . I had to chew a lot so the doctor said to my mom , " Make sure Mackenzie chews a lot of gum . " I don 't know why . A couple nights after that I had to spit and when I went to spit I started puking out blood . My mom picked me up and took me in the car . I kept puking out blood , and I also started to pass out in the backseat of the car . My mom made it just in time to get me into the hospital . An ambulance guy took me out and ran me into a room where a lot of nurses were . I saw Mrs . Hund . She was breathing for me . Then I got into a helicopter and got rushed to Saginaw hospital . Then the doctors and nurses in Saginaw helped me even more , and I was feeling better . I got out of the hospital two weeks after that . Then when I went to school , I had to bring juice and gum . Everyone said it wasn 't fair and after a couple of weeks and I was all better . I didn 't have to bring gum and juice and for the rest of the school year I was better . That 's why my mom is my hero . Truly my mom is hardworking , protecting , and joyful . When I was in the hospital , she protected me and kept me company . She 's also helpful , and she cares about me more than anything . She 's the best person in the whole United States . My mom is my hero . My hero is my mom . She was helpful when I cut my chin open . My mom was protecting me when we went to the hospital . When we got to the hospital , she held my hand tightly . When I was six years old and I was in the bath and I wanted to get out but the edge was really , really slippery , I slipped and I hit my chin and screamed , " Ahhhhhhhhh ! " Then I put my hand over to see if it was bleeding , and I took my hand off to see and it was bleeding and I screamed even louder , " Ahhhhhhhhhh ! " Then my mom came running in and lifted me out . She put a washcloth on my chin and got me dressed . Then we went to my mom 's boyfriend 's neighbor because she 's a nurse and she said I probably need stitches . My mom said " OK . " So she rushed me to the hospital in the emergency room . Thank God I only got butterfly stitches . After that we went home and I sat down . I was really sore . Then the next day was school , and I went but at lunch there are older kids ! What was I going to do ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! … I 'll hide it , SO that 's what I did , they didn 't even know . School was over I went home and said in my head " I did it ! " Six weeks had past and I went back to the hospital and got the butterfly stitches off and I went home sat down and watched T . V . Still today I can still see my scar and feel it . Truly I am proud of my mom for rushing me to the hospital when I cut my chin open . She was really helpful that day . I feel safe with her by my side ! My mom is my hero . My Uncle Bobby and I went for a ride on my grandpa 's boat . When we were on the lake I thought it would be fun to flip the boat . Instead I fell out and I heard a " SPLASH " . I felt nauseous and I couldn 't breathe . Then my Uncle Bobby dove in to the water and saved my life . I was playing football . I played on the Ubly team grades 3 - 6 . One Wednesday after school I had a make up game . We went to Cass City . Mom watched me at the game . I got to play first . I had to sit out for one play . In the next play , I went back in . I was playing defense . I went under the line and got to a guy for a tackle . The announcer said , First it started when I was five years old . I was at my house with my dad . My dad was fixing a lawn mower blade . Suddenly he cut his finger off . He cried so hard I couldn 't really tell what he said but he said " Get Rick ! " I saw his thumb bleeding . It was gross . I ran to get Rick . He was in his backyard . I told him what happened , and he bolted over to my house . He drove me , Molli , and Dad to the hospital . I felt scared and grossed out . I felt bad . I was crushed . It was awful . I felt my Dad 's arm . I said " It 's going to be O . K . " Then we waited . When my dad came out and said " I got thirty stitches . " Our party was in our backyard . I was seven . It was two years ago . My mom was watching the boys play football on our 4th of July party . My uncles , aunts , cousins , grandmas , and grandpas were there . My dad threw the football at my mom . You see the football dad threw smacked my mom in the knee . " Ouch ! " cried mom . Grandpa was playing bingo . Then he was about to yell bingo . Right after he heard my mom . Now grandpa is very protective . Then he went and got help to pick her up and put her in the car . It was three or four hours until they came back from the hospital . Mom had gotten stitches and crutches . She sat down for a while . My mom had to sit down for a while . My grandpa protected her from the balls . My relatives were all happy she was OK . All in all , my grandpa helped my mom when she fell and broke her leg . He also cheered my dad up because he felt so shameful . He protected my mom from flying balls . I felt so proud for my grandpa . He is a wonderful person . My mom was concerned that I needed oral surgery . She made me feel brave . Mom was there for me when I needed her . She is my hero . One day I went to the Orthodontist in Bad Axe . They said I needed oral surgery because my tooth was stuck in my gum tissue . I had a slight infection . Next I had to breath laughing gas . Then I got an IV . My eyes started watering . My mom said , " It will be all right . " Also she said , " Sit still and don 't worry . " I felt scared and tired from the laughing gas . All in all , my mom made me feel brave during my oral surgery . She was there when I felt scared . My mom is my real hero . I am thankful for her . I 'm also proud to call her my mom . Last year when I was eight years old , I fell off my scooter at my neighbor Mary Jo Cleary 's house . I was driving crazy in the driveway . I fell off my scooter . My mom and Mary Jo were sitting on her patio talking . My mom saw me fall . Mom came and picked me up . She pulled my pant leg and asked if I was OK . I was OK . My leg was kind of bleeding . I had a scrape on my knee . Then I went home and worked in my sand and gravel pit . My knee kind of hurt , but it was just fine . It all started when I was brushing my teeth when I was six . I was too small to reach the counter . So I climbed on top of it . The floor was cement . Then I smacked my head on the floor and got knocked out . My sister flew in and called the ambulance . She even rode with me . She held the breathing thing on my face and told me that everything was going to be all right . She was even there when the doctor checked my head . I stayed in the hospital all night . Amanda stayed with me . The doctor said that if I hit my head harder I could of died . The next day my sister drove me home and fixed me something to eat . First below our counter is wood . I was walking and bumped my eyebrow on the wood . My eyebrow was bleeding , and I showed my mom that my eyebrow was bleeding . My mom called my Grandma Marie so she could watch Chris . My mom and I needed to go to the hospital so I could get stitches . My mom drove me to the hospital in the city of Port Huron . The doctor called my dad so he could come and see me in the hospital . I think my dad was worried . My dad asked me if I was all right I said , " Yes I 'm all right . " Truly my dad is my hero because he is hard working , protective , and helpful . My dad is my hero . With my dad I feel wonderful and grateful . One day on a bright summer morning my mom , my busha , and my grandma went to the store . Then when they started driving home something happened , something really bad . Mom had gotten into a car accident ! The van flipped over in a ditch . My mom was really hurt and bleeding hard . She managed to have enough power to open the door when upside down . She walked five miles for help . She found help and got help at the hospital . My grandma is my hometown hero . She 's a nurse and works at Huron Medical Center . When someone is hurt or sick , she 'll help them . My grandma is very protective . She is very hardworking and helpful . She is an L . P . N , which stands for Licensed Practical Nurse . My grandma has been doing her job as a nurse for 30 years now . She works nights at 11 p . m . to seven a . m . She needs a lot of sleep during the day . She goes room to room checking on patients to make sure their needs are met . She is my hero by helping patients that are sick or hurt get better . She also gives my parents tips or me if I am sick or hurt . She also sometimes takes care of us after school . She even picks up my sister and I from school . Sometimes when I go to spend the night at her house , I get a little sick . She gives me some medicine . She works very hard every night . Truly , my grandma is my hometown hero by helping people get better and giving my parents and me advice when I am sick . I truly feel very proud of my grandma for helping people . She is proud of her job . Six years ago my mom needed a babysitter and called our friend , Kara Lackowski . She has a huge pond in her backyard . I had a very horrifying experience that day . It all started when I went swimming . My brother , Parker , and I had our sunscreen on , all our toys , and our towel . I was four and Parker was two . Kara took us outside and went swimming with us . Later on Parker and Kara went inside . Kara 's dad , Dan , came out to watch me . I could see him on the beach in his bathing suit reading . All of a sudden I stepped in a hole . I howled ! I heard Dan shouting , but I couldn 't hear what he said . In moments I went under and was running out of air . Dan ran like a bolt of lightning because he was fast . All of a sudden I felt hands grab me . All in all Dan saved me ! Without him I wouldn 't be here . I learned the lesson to wear a lifejacket when I swim in deep water . Dan is a friend , but also an important hero . Dan made me so grateful ! He is my hero ! Virg Briolat is my uncle . I feel he is a hometown hero . He works at the Department of Public Works in Ubly . My Uncle Virg is hard working and has many jobs . Some of his jobs are keeping parks clean and safe for kids to play in . He keeps baseball fields tidy . Another job he does is keeping water for the village working . He streets and sidewalks need repairing . In the winter he clears the snow from the roads . He puts Christmas lights up in the village , and he also sets up the nativity scene . My uncle is proud of Ubly . He is very dependable . His job is from eight o ' clock to five o ' clock , but sometimes he gets woken up in the middle of the night . Sometimes he has to work Saturdays and Sundays , too . Truly , some people do not realize what it takes to keep the village running smoothly . This is why I think my Uncle Virg is a hometown hero . I am proud of him , too . Thank you for all your hard work and dedication Uncle Virg . My hero is Coach Sweeney . He 's one of the two or three coaches who got Ubly to the championships in football . He had to point the team in the right direction and be determined to get that far . First , Coach Sweeney and the other coaches had to teach all of the plays and practice them , defense and offense , too . I 've gone to their practices before . I 've watched once or twice . They even did a good job beforehand . They practiced at the beginning of the school year and on school days after school . Coach Sweeney and the other coaches got the team all the way to Ford Field . That 's the state championship game place . I went there . The game did not look good at the beginning . Later , we caught up . In the end , Ubly didn 't win . My dad is my hero . He is always there for me . I am his son , and he is my dad . We will always love each other no matter what . Indeed , I feel safe with my hero . He is proud of me ; he saves my life every day . He is protective . My hero is my dad . This accident happened when I was five . I was riding the lawnmower with my dad . I fell off and dad didn 't notice . Then I was tying my shoe , and I saw the tractor coming at me . I was trying to move , but my foot and arms were stiff when I fell off the tractor . Then all of a sudden the blade cut off my toe . Dad heard the clink in the blade and shut off the tractor hurried and carried me in the house . Mom grabbed some peroxide and a towel and put it on my foot . Dad called the hospital , and mom carried me to the van until the ambulance came . Then a few seconds later my brother and four sisters got home from school . Soon as they got home , the ambulance pulled in the driveway . Then the next thing I knew I was hooked up to some cords and an air breather . Then when we got to the hospital they gave me a teddy bear and a color sheet . Then they put some stuff on my foot and then put a cast on my foot and I ate . I had to stay in the hospital for three days . Then I went home . Everyday I had to get a cast changed . I had to wear a cast for two weeks . When I had the cast on , I had to sit on the couch and watch T . V . Then finally the cast was taken off and I was able to walk again . In fact I am grateful , pleased , loved , proud and safe because mom and dad saved my life when my toe got cut off . Mom and dad are my wonderful heroes . Mom and dad are protective , determined , and helpful . First in 2007 my mom took me to go sledding with my Uncle Troy and my three - year - old cousin in Harbor Beach . I slid down a hill in Harbor Beach 's golf course . I went between two pine trees , and I landed in a river . " CRASH ! " My Uncle Troy heard me and pulled me out of the river . There my Aunt Betty was with my mom . Luckily my aunt is a nurse . She made sure I got the right care . Finally , my mom and I went home . Then she gave me an ice pack and we watched Snow Buddies . I felt sore , but safe . He helps me smash rocks at home . He lives by Kinde and Port Hope . He has a Playstation2 and games . We get along good and that is why he is my hero . My dad is my hero because he plays catch and other sports with me . He helps me with my homework . He likes to tease , but in a good way . My dad works at Waste Management in Richmond . Waste Management also has a recycling center for paper , oil , plastic , and bottles so we can keep the environment moving . I learn a lot of lessons from him too , like never switch a light bulb with the lights on . My mom is my hometown hero because she helps me with my homework too . She works at a card company called Greeting Cards . She does that because she wants to make people feel better and happy . My mom is funny because on one vacation we rented a car and she didn 't know how to put back up the window . When we told her how she kept putting it up and down , up and down , up and down until she finally stopped . She is also a blast ! At a miniature golf course we were teasing and feeding a live alligator . My mom is also fashionable . She picks out cute clothes and I help . Both of my parents are caring . They are caring because they help me cross the street so I don 't get ran over . They give me food , water , and shelter so I can survive . My mom and dad are also busy so they can make good money to keep the house in shape and so they can afford things . They help me get good grades so I can get a scholarship . My mom and dad also give me clothing so I can stay warm . They buy me liquids , medicine , and take me to the doctor when I am sick . My mom helps my brother with his homework too . She helped him sell tickets for a chili dinner . She tells him ( and me too ) not to waste paper . My mom helps other people too . Sometimes she helps people with their computers . If someone gets hurt , she puts a bandage on them . She drives a school bus and takes kids home safely . One reason is that she 's always there for me . She goes to my football games and practices . She is also my baby - sitter . She plays games and she does not yell when we tease her . She helps me read , spell , study , and clean my room . She shows up at parties , Christmas programs , and graduations . My sister Amanda helps other people in my family too . She helps my Aunt Tracie cook at Christmas parties . She helps others by baby - sitting my other sister 's toddler McKenzie . She also baby - sits for other kids in Ubly too . Amanda goes shopping with us to offer a second opinion and to help my mom with the groceries . First , she does nice things for me . She helps me with my homework like math . She also buys me food . She cooks my favorite food like pizza ! She also washes my clothes . Next , my mom does good things for others . She drives safe . My mom helps my brother with his homework . Mom also cleans the house once a week . My grandma takes me to Long John Silvers for lunch . Sometimes we go to Wal - Mart together . She bought me Poke ' mon toys . She also teaches me piano . My grandma is fantastic with animals . She has this weird cat . I think you won 't believe this , but my grandma has this boxing maniac cat that loves punching because it has no claws ! Also she has a tarantula whose name is Rose . Rose is alone and she is gentle . First , my dad helps me with my homework . He helps me learn things about math and reading . Sometimes he teaches me spelling . He plays a lot of sports with me . The main ones are football and baseball . Next , my mom helps me with homework also . She knows when I 'm sick and cares for me . She also plays different sports with me and helps me learn . She is also very nice by helping people do helpful things . Finally , both of my parents clean , but Mom does the most because Dad is at work . They both wash and wipe dishes . My mom watches over people sometimes . My dad usually mows the lawn , but sometimes Mom does . My mom usually washes and folds clothes , but sometimes we all help too . First , my mom helps me in many ways . She always helps me with my homework and at the same time she 's teaching me something . Another time she bought me a tasty chocolate chip cookie treat . It was delicious ! She also does well by cooking our family three meals a day . The second reason my mom is my hero is because she plays with me a lot . After I learned to ride a two - wheeled bike , she took me on a bike ride almost every day . She goes horseback riding , plays Horseopoly , and plays with me and the dog . Finally , the last reason she is my hero is that Mom helps others . One time our grandma had trouble with her cell phone and Mom helped her . She also helps our older sister Merisa on the computer for school . First , Mom cares for me and our family . She also teaches me stuff like math . Mom does all the laundry for the whole family . She also lets me help with supper everyday . She helps me with my homework and also takes me to school sometimes . Mom pays for all the food . She cooks it and feeds it to us . Next , Mama loves me a lot . She tucks me in at night . She hugs and kisses me while she tucks me in . My mom loves me so much she could hug and kiss me all night long ! My mom cares for me when I 'm sick . She helps me with many , many things that seem hard to me . The first time Daddy saved my life was when my sister Claire and I were playing vampire outside . I was little and decided under the tarp would be a fun place to hide . I got so tired because I forgot to go inside for my afternoon nap . So I accidentally fell asleep under the tarp . My daddy called the neighbors and they came over to help find me . My sister admitted that we were playing vampire . Then my daddy looked where I was and found me . When I woke up I was safe in my daddy 's arms . Daddy saved my life a second time when I was six years old . It was a beautiful spring day . Also , it was the second day I started to ride my two - wheel bike . At my house there is a big hill going up into my garage . To go down the driveway I had to go down the big hill . Then , when I was doing my best my tire hit a big rock . My bike crashed onto the driveway . I cracked my chin open , so I had to go to the hospital . When my daddy met me at the hospital I felt better . The third time my daddy saved my life was when we were visiting friends in St . Louis . We went to the zoo . I stopped at a waterfall and got my hands wet . My daddy left . He didn 't realize he was leaving me behind . When I turned around I did not see him . I started to cry . My parents noticed they were missing me and turned around to go and find me . Finally my daddy found me . After that , we went to get ice cream . My hometown hero is my mama Kelly . She is for octillions of reasons . The main reasons are : She helps me , helps others , is kind and is good at a lot of things . My mama helps me with many things . She helps me by taking care of me . She also teaches me , does homework with me , helps me clean , and sticks up for me when I 'm in a tight spot . What I like a lot is that she encourages me and never puts me down . My mama helps others by doing taxes for them . She doesn 't do taxes all year around , just in tax season . She makes people feel good by complimenting them . She donates things to the needy , and once in a while watches other children . My mama is kind . She 's kind because she doesn 't put people down . She encourages people , doesn 't tease , and helps with things like chores . The first reason she is my hero is because she always helps me . Mrs . Camp is always teaching me reading and word study . She always buys so many treats for the fourth grade and for some third graders . She has so much left over . Next , she always helps others . Whenever someone doesn 't get AR reading points from last month , she lets them come in to read and make up the points . Mrs . Camp also helps others who need help with homework or a worksheet . She also helps students with ideas if they can 't think of them . My teacher Kelly Camp excels in things . She is very friendly . She is always there for me when I 'm in need . I don 't know why she thinks she is only good at things because she went to Michigan State University . First , she takes care of my family and me . My mom Pam feeds us , buys us clothes , and does the laundry . If we are scared or sad she will make us feel happy . She also gives us a house to live in . Next , my mom also helps others . She is a banker so she helps some people find out if they have enough money or not . Pam is a good mom to my sisters and me . She does what caring moms do . My mom also helps with our church by planning and organizing our church activities . To start , my dad and I do stuff together such as driving a golf cart through the Ubly trails . We also play pool in the basement . He takes care of me by making sure I clean up . Next , my dad helps others by being the mayor of Ubly . He helps the community by deciding what to do . He also drives the ambulance when people need to go to the hospital . Finally , my dad excels in many things . He goes above and beyond to try to get newcomers an apartment . He excels at being responsible because he bought six Little Caesar 's restaurants . Now he has to take care of the Little Caesar 's book that is about two inches thick . He helps me very much . He helps me do my homework . He teaches me things like baseball and basketball . He watches me a lot and it is very fun when he does . He takes me to fun places like the fair . My papa does a lot of special things . He is the boss of Maurer Electric . He is also a veteran . He can build anything with wood , a hammer , and nails . My papa helps other people too . He helps raise money for Relay for Life in Bad Axe . He helps people with his job . He goes to help fix people 's electrical problems . When he was in the service he was a Sea Bee . A Sea Bee is someone who helps fix a fort or a house that got torn apart in the war . My dad helps me with my homework . He tells me my spelling words , and I write them down . He helps me with big word searches . He checks my spelling words and if I get some wrong , I have to rewrite them . He gives me math problems like 35x45 and some other ones . My dad takes care of me when I 'm sick . He gives me medicine and water . My dad watches over me when I 'm sick because he loves me . My dad tucks me in at night . He is the best dad in the world ! My mom also helps other people . A big reason is that she is going to be a registered nurse . My mom helps my brother and sister with homework too . She helps her fiancé Kevin in the barn every morning . My mom also excels in a lot of things . She works very hard . She saves up money for us to go to college and to buy a car when I get older . My mom excels in taking care of our family . My dad lets me go swimming and go to a friend 's house on week days . He also lets me play my PS2 in my free time . When I get hungry he lets me go to Little Caesar 's and get crazy bread . My sister Amanda takes care of me all the time . Amanda teaches me many projects . Amanda takes me to school most of the time . When I behave , Amanda will buy me treats . She watches me when my mom and dad aren 't home . Amanda is always helping other people . If my mom and dad need help and ask Amanda to help , she will do it . Amanda also tutors other students after school when she can . Amanda helps my mom and dad with our family computer . She helps other people on the road by driving safe . My hero also raises money for people who need it a lot . Amanda is a very good person . Amanda excels in everything she does . She has a lot of responsibilities . She has never done anything bad . Amanda is an all A student . Amanda buys the best gifts ever ! She has a job . She works at McDonald 's . She works the drive - thru . My mom is special because she helps me clean my room sometimes . She also makes food for me and talks to me . If I get hurt she helps me . When I do something bad she always forgives me . My mom helps other people too . She visits an older woman who goes to our church . She makes blankets for people . She also helps people by cleaning their houses . My mom is funny because she is clumsy and says funny things sometimes . My mom was also in the Navy for awhile . My mom is hardworking and brave . She also has a good heart . I am very proud of my mom .

Posted on June 23 , 2017 Our daughter has been attending college in Maryville , Tennessee . She contacted us with the logistics for graduation . After speaking to several family members it was decided that we would look for a cabin to rent instead of all of us finding hotels . My son , who has been an Airbnb host for several years , suggested that we use Airbnb again ( we had used it once before with excellent results ) . The search was on to find the perfect spot for 14 of us to meet and stay for the May graduation . After several emails back and forth amongst the group we had narrowed it down to two places . The reviews were great for both , and the price was about $ 100 difference per couple between the two . We made sure that the cabin would accommodate the group , and that it would be handicapped accessible , which was confirmed by the host . After asking a few more questions of the host for " A Little Piece of Heaven " in Sevierville , Tennessee it was decided that we would take that one . On January 2nd , 2017 , we paid $ 1498 for the booking . It was rented for May 18th through the 23rd . All of us were excited and I exchanged a couple of emails with the host , " Jouandot Enterprises " , telling him that we were excited . Fast forward to the week of the trip . We were driving leaving Naples , Florida on May 17th heading to the cabin to meet up with family coming from Michigan and Pennsylvania . The host emailed me with the code for access to the cabin and wished us a safe trip . It would be a 15 - hour drive and we would stay in Pigeon Forge for the night . We could not check into the cabin until 3 : 00 PM the following day . We drove in still excited , and upon walking onto the deck noticed that there was an overturned trash can , and what looked like a planter with no plant that had been tipped over . There was dirt all over the deck . We then walked further onto the deck and there was a mop leaning against the wall and a picnic table that when leaned against literally swayed with you . There was a hot tub whose top looked to be either too small or badly damaged as there was a thick layer of dirt and waves in it . Coming onto the deck from the other side , there were molded slats around the hot tub . We saw the two rocking chairs that we had talked about sitting in to look at the view ( which was by the way , still stunning ) . It looked like some type of varmint had been eating the wood above them , and there were wood chips all over . There were spindles on the railing that had been kicked out and had not been repaired . The gate to the deck downstairs was barely hanging on . Looking over the rail , someone had tossed a bag of garbage into the woods below and trash was scattered about . Underneath the dinner table , there was a yellow stain . Urine ? Vomit ? The rug was disgusting and you could tell that it not only had been there for a while , but it had not been cleaned in a long while . By this time , I was more than a little upset and my husband said maybe we could just clean up a little and make the best of it . We looked around in the bedrooms and there was not a blind there that hadn 't been broken or was about to fall apart . We were going to open it up some as it was overcast outside , and dark inside the cabin . The surfaces looked to have been wiped down , but there was no pot in the coffee maker . I opened the cabinet to find the pot , with a hole in the bottom of it . There were thin quilts on the beds and questionable sheets , with no mattress pads at all . The only spare linen we found was stuffed in a magazine rack in the living room , and blankets had been thrown - not folded - in the top of the closets in both bedrooms . So the question in my mind is : how clean were they ? Trying to make this cabin work was just not going to happen . I stepped outside and tried to regain my composure ; I was just sick . I placed a call to the hosts and left a message . By then I was in tears as I had no idea what we were going to do … there was more family en route and nowhere to stay . There was no way to make this cabin work ; it was awful . After about fifteen minutes one of the hosts phoned me , and I explained that I was so disappointed that the cabin was filthy and in such bad disrepair . He said that he was so surprised to hear this as the people who checked out the day before said nothing . I told him that I can 't speak for other people , and I asked if he had another cabin nearby that we could try . He said that they did not . I was mid - sentence telling him that we could not stay when the call was dropped . I couldn 't get him back on the line . He texted me a few minutes later that he would call his cleaning service . I responded that we would be leaving the cabin and going to find rooms in town . I also told him that this was not just a cleaning issue ; this place was in disrepair . One thing the host did say while I had him on the phone was " it is a ' rustic ' cabin . " My response was : " I have stayed in many ' rustic ' cabins . I 'm from Idaho originally . Rustic doesn 't mean filthy and falling apart . " I think this would be a lovely place to visit , but hosts need to have pride in their properties . Keep them clean and in good repair . This was one cabin where the reviews and the pictures did not match what we found . For the record , we work every day . I cleaned houses and offices for many years and I am now an office manager . My husband is a painting contractor . We work very hard for our money and to be able to afford to take trips , so to find this was totally unacceptable . It was not a great way to start what was to be a celebration trip . We went into Pigeon Forge and I tried contacting a couple of other Airbnb hosts to find available places that were available to rent for our group . We saw a Cabins USA office , and our daughter 's coach suggested we give them a try . She called them and they had one place available . It was a little bigger than we needed and more expensive ; however , it was available , so we took it . Once we had settled into the new cabin , I phoned my son and asked him what I needed to do . He instructed me to go online and cancel the reservation and then email the host and to do it through Airbnb . I got online at Airbnb and tried using the Help feature in the app to cancel . It kept giving me an error message and just continued to ask me to check in . I then typed out an email to send and tried to send it tree times , receiving an error every time . Frustrated , I emailed the hosts from the listing on Airbnb . I explained that we had left the cabin , and would not be staying . I asked what I needed to do to request a refund . Within the hour , they texted me back and said that they would issue a refund through Airbnb . I responded thank you and went about the day . I thought the matter had been resolved . Later in the day I was shopping and I received a call from Airbnb . I explained that I was in the store and asked if they could call me back ? I shared that I thought the matter was resolved as the host said that he would be issuing us a refund . However , I would be happy to speak to them , just a little later . I did ask if I could call them ? I just asked that they email the contact information . That night I checked my emails , and there was an email from Airbnb . I typed a response stating that I felt the matter was resolved . The email was sent at 10 : 47 PM , May 19th . This email was sent in response to the complaint that I had sent on the 18th - the one I thought had not gone through . I found this out from Airbnb Customer Service . On the 20th we were scheduled to move our daughter out of her dorm and into an apartment in Knoxville . It wasn 't until later that night I saw different emails on the 20th . It had taken the better part of the day to move , and I really didn 't think anyone else would be contacting me . Graduation was on the 21st and we had a dinner out so we did not get in until late . I was not looking for any emails or calls from anyone . We were just trying to enjoy this time with our daughter and family . On May 24th after we arrived home in Florida , I reviewed the emails from different Airbnb people from May 20th . I emailed a response . There were also several " rate your stay " emails , which I kept deleting as I didn 't want to kick a dead horse . Then about the fifth time , I left a one - star review . It was short and sweet : the cabin wasn 't what we expected , we did not stay , the matter was resolved . The cabin could be much better with a little TLC . No lies , no trashing the people . Short and sweet . The next day I receive an email from them stating , " there will be no refund . " Airbnb had left it up to them since I didn 't respond . I responded with an email that stated that I had copies of the responses sent to Airbnb and to him . I explained that I didn 't think I needed to do any more than I did as he told me he was going to issue a refund . I thought the matter had been resolved . However , I also told him I understood that he did that likely so I would tell Airbnb that and not pursue the case any further . I was so angry . Was he serious ? This " host " was just going to take the $ 1500 and dismiss us ? Well , not without a fight . He also stated that I left him one star … so in my response , I told him that I wasn 't even going to leave that . I explained that I didn 't lie and I didn 't blast him or his cabin , I just said we didn 't stay . This guy is a real piece of work . He works Airbnb to his benefit , and the fact that he did it the way that he did , indicates he has done it before . He also shared that his reputation speaks for itself , and he wished me well . Again , I got on the phone to Airbnb . I reached them on the same 415 number listed on this site . I spoke to a representative who sounded genuinely concerned at the predicament . She said would email me and I needed to respond . I told her I was at work , so it would be later that night or in the morning ( this was Friday , June 9th ) . There were other photos on my husband 's phone that I needed to send as well . She told me that I had time , just get them together and send them . On my lunch hour , the same day , I printed the texts and emails and emailed them to response @ airbnb . com . This was a reply to the email that she sent to me as promised . That email went through fine . When I got home I put all of the photos together . I then tried to email them to the same email address and immediately received an error email that Airbnb did not receive the email with a link . The link took me to the listing for the cabin and hosts along with the help page . This brings me to June 14th at 6 : 00 PM . I was just walking in the door from work and my phone rang ; it was Airbnb . There is a woman who confirms who I am and proceeds to tell me that they are closing my file as I have not responded to their requests … what have I been doing , then ? I proceeded to explain that yes , I have responded , several times what is she talking about , and we would not be closing the file , not by a long shot . Is there anyone there that even reads these responses ? We talked for a few minutes more , and she said she understood that there was likely some confusion on my part about the need to respond since you felt the matter was resolved . Not until recently did she find out that it wasn 't . She told me that she would speak to her supervisor and get back to me by phone or by email . Thanks so much for your patience throughout this process . We appreciate the time you 've taken to share your concerns with our team . However , we have issued our final decision for this case and we will disengage from further discussion on this topic . We 're truly passionate about providing our community of hosts and guests with the best possible traveling experience . I 'm really sorry that this hasn 't been the case here . Just know that we 're always working to improve our products and policies , and even when we aren 't able to accommodate requests , we absolutely value our users ' feedback . As a customer of Airbnb , your voice is both powerful and essential and I 'll be sure to pass your thoughts on to the right team . Airbnb will " disengage " from further conversations even though this matter is far from resolved . I have not spoken to the same person twice and Airbnb feels that they have done a thorough job investigating this case ? I 've sent copies of texts and emails . I was unable to send photos , as the email address that I used to send you copies of conversations had with the hosts always produced an error . I called your corporate office number and it said that someone would be in touch , I sent emails asking what to do … and nothing . Now this ? I did send the photos to the owner . He knows what the property looked like and still couldn 't find anything wrong ? He never even commented on it . Maybe he knew he wouldn 't have to provide anything to you , because Airbnb really didn 't care one way or the other ? You ruled in his favor , as that 's what he told me , and left it up to him to decide on a refund ? So , instead of making your host follow through on what he wrote to me , you threw me , the customer under the bus and let him decide . How convenient for you . We were told that we would receive a refund on the 19th at 11 : 47 AM from our hosts . I thought the matter fully resolved and wrote as much in an email to your staff . A refund is what I was promised and a refund is what I fully intend to pursue . I will seek legal advice in the matter of this rental . I work hard for what I have and we paid your company up front for a cabin advertised as something it was not . These are unacceptable business practices and I 'm more than a little insulted that you think that what Airbnb did was a " resolution " to this situation . You and your " host " turned what was to be a celebration of our daughter 's graduation into a nightmare ! As a follow - up , my husband then phoned and got a young lady on the phone to again explain what had happened . He asked to speak to a manager as it is apparent that the people who answer the phones can 't get anything done . She asked to whom we had spoken and the name of the person we last spoke to . I gave them the name of the representative and then told her there was an email signed by BobbiLee . She told us that she was trying to get through to her , but couldn 't get an answer . She said that BobbiLee was in the office . She said that she would message her to call us back ASAP . It never happened , and we have not heard from anyone since . This was the call that I was told they had received the pictures that I sent , and the cancellation email that I sent , even though I received an error message on my end ? So , if they had all of the information and the pictures , how can they say that I didn 't respond to their requests for information ? I found this website . Maybe there is something that I can find out here … thanks for letting me vent . However , I am so truly disturbed by this experience that I will never use Airbnb again . The good experiences that I have had have been overshadowed by this one . I 'm disgusted that others may have to go through this as well . I am going to keep working on this , I assure you . I would appreciate any feedback . Posted on June 23 , 2017 I 'm currently fighting with Airbnb and this con - artist host to resolve this issue . I will post updates if possible . Here is the rundown of everything I sent to Airbnb , with a request for a full refund : I 'd like a full refund for this incorrectly advertised , poorly hosted , nightmare of an Airbnb rental . I 'll start off by explaining what was wrong with the property itself before I go into the more disturbing issue with the host . First of all , the advertisement was listed as : " massive downtown seven bedroom . " The description said it was a large home that was very spacious , with large bedrooms . The first thing we noticed as we we drove twenty minutes past downtown was the location . A rundown , beat - up house in the middle of a bad neighborhood in the south end of Ottawa . We were disappointed before going in , but tried to make light of the situation . We walked in to a crammed kitchen , a tiny excuse for a living area , with what was supposed to be the rest of it converted into the first " bedroom " . The rest of the house was just as small and crammed . The first thing we went to do , as a small group of six , was to sit down in the kitchen and start eating some of the food we brought with us . We went to go sit down and the table tipped over and almost broke . We lifted the corner of it and I messaged the host to tell her about the issue . She kindly told me where the tools were in her house in case I wanted to fix it . I told her I 'd leave the table in the corner and wouldn 't use it instead ; she had no problem with that . The place was clean for the most part except for bugs . Only eight of us stayed the night , and only four bedrooms were used out of the six small ones available . The next day , we cleaned up what we could , except all the dishes , because we knew that was taken care of with the cleaning charge . We even swept everywhere before we left . I personally checked every bedroom and washroom to make sure the place was properly presentable and a five - star rating was completely within reach for myself as a guest . I locked the front and side doors and put the key in the lockbox happy with the overall trip even though the Airbnb was disappointing . Then came everything afterwards . Kate messaged me asking me what I thought of the property and to give her a personal review . I gave her a review in a polite and respectful way and even praised her as a host , just to be nice . I don 't think she liked my review so that was the last I heard from her for the day . I realized I forgot my wallet in one of the rooms and messaged Kate the same day to ask her if she could please meet me or do whatever protocol we have to go through to retrieve my lost wallet . It took her over 24 hours to reply , after I reached out to Airbnb support for the issue . This leads me all back to right now . The host just sent me a disgusting message and is outright lying in all her claims . It 's very shameful someone in a position such as herself , who manages multiple properties , would be this slimy and corrupt in an attempt to pull more money out of her overpriced rental property than she already has . I 'd like Airbnb to call me personally to deal with this . The only claim that she was accurate about was us moving that 8 × 10 paper - thin sorry excuse for a ' carpet ' she had on the living room floor . No one touched the TV , the windows or the screens . We never left the residence so no one was ever locked out . The host is trying to steal money and delete the mediocre review I gave her . There 's more I have to add . The six pictures of evidence the host provided were lazy enough to help prove all of it was a lie . She showed one broken screen in the backyard of the house that we didn 't go near or had any reason to go to . She opened the garbage bag that we left outside of all the things we cleaned , and for some reason took a picture to prove something in her favor … ? There were a few flakes of ash in a bathtub that they placed to take a picture of , and then there 's a picture of what looks like a perfectly good TV - no picture of the " pulled out " cord . No picture of any broken fan . Then a picture of the living room that also looks very neat and tidy . There was also one more picture of a window , one with nothing wrong with it . Apparently we broke two windows ? The house was " smoking allowed " so the years of stench from other people smoking was strong when we came in . I still feel like I 'm dreaming because I can 't believe that people have to resort to this slimy low level just to make extra money . Anyways , I 'll fight this in court if I have to . Posted on June 22 , 2017 Upon arrival , this host asked us to pay an extra $ 90 for a security deposit that she hadn 't posted on Airbnb . It was strange because she didn 't care when she got it ; she just wanted it to keep it . We told her that she hadn 't posted it on her Airbnb and we didn 't have enough money with us . In response , she threatened to kick us out right then and there . She then told us we had to go with her to the tourist agency and we told her we were already registered . She then told us we weren 't and told us that we can 't leave the country without a " white cardboard " . We had been in Montenegro using Airbnb for some time and no one else had ever asked us to register . All her messages seemed very threatening towards us . The apartment was unsafe because none of the doors locked . The wifi did not connect . We were very disappointed in this host and believe she should not have been able to host . She was very misleading and seemed like a scammer . Now we are out $ 154 because she told us if we didn 't give her more money we would have to leave . It does not seem fair to us that we could either leave or be kicked out and still be out of the money . We are young traveling college students who had really loved using Airbnb . I hope to still use it . I 'm not sure if any money could be refunded ; if it could , that would be wonderful . If not , she should not be hosting in the future . She tried to scam us and threatened us . Overall , we love Airbnb but please take this into consideration . Posted on June 21 , 2017 I found a place on Airbnb , booked it , and started my conversation with the host . I found out that the host had two dogs that have roaming rights over the grounds . This was not mentioned in the listing . It 's probably not a big deal to most folks , but I 'm a dog breeder , with an unspayed female bitch . Where I go , my beloved dog goes . As my dog is more than a pet , her welfare is of utmost importance to me . Given the presence of canine influenza and other male dogs , and the fact that nothing was mentioned in the listing , I choose to find another place . However , the strict cancellation fee states I only get half of my funds back . What a crock … I have placed a complaint and asked for help from Airbnb . They had to think about it and will let me know in due course if I 'm able to get any more of my funds back . No time frame was provided when they may let me know . I had booked the place at 10 : 00 AM , found out about the dogs , and contacted Airbnb at 5 : 00 PM the same day . This is probably my first and last time using this company . Posted on June 14 , 2017 My daughter and fiancé moved to the Seattle area . Upon arrival they discovered their apartment wasn 't ready due to mold issues . They had to retile the place and wouldn 't be able to allow guests to move in for another week . My family was stuck . They also had a sweet older cat with them . They had to book a hotel for the first night . I , being the helpful mom to my 22 - year - old kid and her fiancee and kitty , wanted to look into an Airbnb rental so they could be comfortable . I found this listing . If you scroll down on pricing it says : " Extra people : $ 48 / night after the first guest . " It could be my mistake that I did not see this . I was going back and forth with her from Friday evening into Saturday late morning about the listing . Moving forward , I went to book and the price went from $ 80 per / night to $ 128 per / night . I attached the screen shots of our messages and my confusion on the part of the second guest . If you read this , you can see she is even confused and looks like she is saying that I was probably trying to book for three guests ( myself , daughter and her fiancé ) and she said I need to book for a total of two people . I made the mistake of thinking when I put one guest I thought myself plus one guest . It was a dumb mistake on my part since I have booked with Airbnb before . However , in all the comparable listings in that area - I clicked through about twenty - the prices were always for two people ; I didn 't think twice and booked it . The other thing , the host clearly saw me saying " them " when referring to guests and listing their names . I even told her their story in the beginning : how it was my daughter , her fiancé , and their cat ( I did not include this screenshot , but I can if needed ) . Here 's where it gets interesting . My kid had her number and proceeded to text the host that they were on their way . She texted my kid and said " your mom only paid for one person . " My kid asked how much it would be for two people and she stated it would be an additional $ 180 . I told my kid that it was too much , thinking there are other places for that price that were private . Did I mention that this host 's place was not private ? She said it was like " one big master bedroom , but the kitchen and bathroom is shared . " She has it listed as an entire home / apartment but the room and living room was separated from the kitchen by a blackout curtain ; her and her husband 's room is private in the back . $ 128 per night in that area ? Why didn 't I just book a whole cottage for $ 100 per night ? You can see in my messaging that I was considering having them just stay the one night and not the rest of the week . However , I ended up canceling the whole thing and they stayed in a hotel . I also wanted to attach the text messaging thread . You can 't get each other 's number until you book for safety purposes . She and I were texting back and forth with this misunderstanding and I apologized profusely . I asked then if I would get refunded . She assured me I would . I told her okay , I would cancel and thanked her for the refund . I knew she had a strict cancellation policy but I figured she has been super nice and understood the situation was my mistake . The next day I contacted the Airbnb resolution center on the site . All I wanted was to make sure she refunded me . They told me to request money from the host , so I did . There was space to put the reason and I typed " misunderstanding at check in , host agreed to refund full amount . " What does she respond with ? " Not truthful guest . " She then declined to refund me . If she would have said " no , sorry I can 't give you a refund " then I at least I could have paid the extra $ 180 and not be out $ 400 . She basically has no one staying in her place for five days and Airbnb and the host got $ 450 ( fees included ) out of me . Even Expedia doesn 't do that . Once I accidentally booked the wrong dates and was out of the cancellation policy . They still refunded me and told me : " It 's ok . Sometimes stuff happens . " I ended up calling my bank to have them dispute the charges . I had to tell them the whole story and send them the screenshots of the messages . When a case manager from Airbnb called me , he seemed nice at first , taking in my story . I even sent them the screenshots of the text messages where she stated more than once she would refund me . He said they are the final say in this matter . I received a call back from the case manager the next day . He stated the host said I lied and tried to " pull one over " on her , that I tried to book for one guest and was really bringing two . Like she didn 't know and capitalized on my mistake . Then she said I called her and harassed her . I did no such thing . If I were able to upload all the screenshots of the text messages then you could see I was nothing but apologetic and kind . Now this host was so rude . He was talking over me , yelling at me , and bullying me . I was made out to be the villain . This host just joined this month and had no reviews . That in itself should have been a red flag . The Airbnb case manager made me feel foolish and said that this host has a strict cancellation policy ; when I booked , he stated that it was a legal and binding contract and he cannot force the host to refund the money . He said she wasn 't going to refund the money at all and I am basically screwed . First off he talked over me , then when I did the same he yelled at me . When I raised my voice he said over and over this was a legal and binding contract and in the end he essentially said : " Well , you have booked with us before . You should know how to book . This is your fault and you will not be refunded . " He didn 't even offer a partial refund or a voucher . Nothing . I hung up and cried because I was just bullied on the phone over nothing , just an Airbnb listing . Why does this case agent even care ? He should have tried to be a better mediator in this situation and look at my history of being a guest : I have never complained or done anything shady . I 've blasted Airbnb on Twitter . You may have seen them if you follow @ airbnbhell because I copied them on Twitter too . The case manager emailed me and said " it was a pleasure talking to you this morning … blah blah blah " I responded with a lengthy email , told him he bullied me and yelled at me , and I was in tears afterwards . I mean I hate be the victim but this host acted like one and got $ 400 + out of it . Why can 't I tell the truth and tell them how I felt ? I felt like a used pair of underwear . When I emailed them back I also copied Belinda Johnson , who is Airbnb 's Chief Legal Council , and Donna Boyer , who is Airbnb 's Director of Product . Working in tech in the Bay Area ( where Airbnb is headquartered ) you can find out who these people are . Just about an hour ago I received an apology from Anthony with a $ 200 voucher . Really ? Seriously ? If I do not plan to use Airbnb anymore , what good is it going to do me ? Just send me my money ! At least send a voucher that is equal if not more than what I went out of pocket . I ended up rebooking another listing for my daughter through Airbnb and luckily that went fine . It would have been nice if this voucher was there before that since I just plan to use VBRO or VaCasa or something else in the future . Thanks for listening to me ramble . Posted on June 14 , 2017 Our Airbnb property was advertised as a " full loft " with " dedicated parking behind the building " , which is why we chose it . We arrived in Montreal and drove right by the property twice , because it 's a poorly - marked , hard - to - find doorway between two other buildings . Behind the building there were no markings about where to park and / or that there was a safe , dedicated area for guest 's vehicles . Our email from the host suggested we park across the street on the public road . Due to the French signage and parking permit issues , I did not want to do that for fear my car would be towed . After hauling our luggage up a narrow , tall flight of stairs , we were confronted by a narrow hallway that smelled like cat urine . There may have been a " full loft " up here at one time , but what we saw were three doorways with numbers on them . Behind our doorway there was a room that was , perhaps , 10 ' x 10 ' with one tiny , skinny window above eye level and a skylight . In the original listing photograph that accompanied our original reservation confirmation email , there had been a real bed with end tables ; the actual bed in the room we got was a pull - out couch with a two - inch thin mattress . There was no kitchen , only a small counter and bar fridge . No table on which to eat breakfast . The bathroom was so small , if one person was on the toilet and the other opened the door , it would have hit them in the knees and the head . The room was like a student residence , not a " full loft . " My suspicion is that this property had once been a " full loft " but , in order to pack in the people like sardines to make more money , it had been divided up with thin walls ( that also needed some fresh paint ) . We had planned to cook and have friends over during our stay , but it was so small and embarrassing , we left within the hour and found a hotel instead . We contacted the host immediately : he defended the property and said we hadn 't looked at the photographs closely enough . He said he would contact Airbnb to see about a refund , which I assume was a stalling tactic since the Airbnb site clearly states that refunds are up to the discretion of the host . We also got the impression that the host listed hasn 't even seen the spaces on his profile and is only managing them through text messaging and emails . We have taken a screenshot from our original reservation confirmation , along with a screen shot of the follow up emails . As you can see , at first glance , both spaces shown are similar ( barnboard on wall , deer art above bed ) but that 's where the similarities end . We booked this space based on the first photos from the original listing and the original reservation confirmation . I don 't know if the host was trying to pull a " bait and switch " , but to us this is misleading and why we are asking for a refund . Posted on June 10 , 2017 My girlfriend and I checked into this " cottage " in Corona , California . We met the host , and things were cool . The host talked at length about her ex - husband who was a professional drug courier / dealer , and her last boyfriend , the permanent drunk . She indicated that her last Airbnb guests were four Muslim men . She said she did not like the way they smelled and talked . So what did she do ? She cooked bacon to antagonize them . She said she tried to evict them because they were in their room . The host had a guest after our booking who reserved the room for thirty days ( as it was open ) but this was unacceptable to her . She wanted different guests each day so they could go to the beach , not one consistent guest . On the morning after check in , having stayed at the property for over eighteen hours , my girlfriend was called home to check in on her mother . The host 's ideal guest is someone who checks in , then departs from 8 : 00 AM to 10 : 00 PM for the beach . Since I was waiting for my girlfriend , the host wanted to photograph my identification . I asked her to show me the Airbnb request for such a thing . She called the Home Owners Association ( HOA ) security . Then the sheriff was called . The host told the sheriff lies . Total lies . The host claimed that there was sexual harassment . That is crazy ; I was with my girlfriend . This from a woman in a bikini . In a house full of sexual fetish and weird objects . The host lied for no reason . I packed my bags and departed the property with no problems . The host stole my original Airbnb receipt along with other items to minimize my leverage . Once a complaint was made to Airbnb , management sat on it for seven days , then they wrote a message saying this : " We are contacting you regarding your Airbnb account . We regret to inform you that we are no longer able to support your account due to violations of our Community Standards & Expectations . As a result of this determination , we have taken steps to permanently deactivate your account . Additionally , we are unable College Graduation Weekend Best Not Entrusted to Airbnb Posted on June 9 , 2017 My first time using Airbnb was horrible . We were late to the table for booking a hotel room for a college graduation weekend . A friend recommended I try Airbnb . After looking at a few possibilities , I decided on a king - size condo for six people close to campus that looked nice . I asked the hosts a few questions and decided to book the property . After I committed , I asked a few more questions , but never heard back from the host . " Oh well , " I figured . Upon arrival at the " condo " , I was shocked to find a rundown student house that had been converted to hold four small rooms . Our room was about 300 square feet . The parking spot in the back of the home was a gravel mess and there was no sidewalk to the front of the house ; we had to use the steep , uneven driveway ( that was shared by many other houses and businesses ) to get to the front of the house . There was a long uneven staircase up to the house that didn 't even have a hand rail up to the top . In the evening there were no lights in the parking area or even the front of the house . I had paid extra for another person , yet there was no bed , sheets , blanket , pillow , or towels for the third person . Even though the three photos of this " condo " looked nice , the floor was filthy . I called and complained to the host . The following morning I used the microwave and blew the main circuit . We had to go to the graduation sopping wet . After three hours the host finally responded and told me to go flip the switch myself . We decided to vacate the property because we felt unsafe . I contacted Airbnb when we returned , and they sent us through a silly process that accomplished nothing . To make matters more interesting , I did a Google search of the property and found that it is owned by a guy in Chicago ; he had created a fictitious name to be a host . Airbnb told me that hosts often do that for privacy . They pretend to be someone else , and have all of my information ? It 's kind of scary if you ask me . After all I went through they did not even post my review , which is wrong on their part . I believe Airbnb is all about the host , and have little hope for the guests . I will never use Airbnb again . Posted on June 6 , 2017 Due to a bad internet connection and just now being able to book some accommodation , we can only now write this email . We have tried to contact Airbnb , but every time we get an error message . We booked a place through Airbnb and it was a nightmare . Our first night in Norway ( which was eagerly anticipated ) disappeared and became very irritating . First , we couldn 't find the boat ( through bad communication as there was no number ) . After an hour drive and asking around , we found the office and had to ask inside the " Asker Marina " where the boat was . The lady couldn 't help us as we had to provide a number , which we couldn 't . Luckily , we had wifi and emailed the host , Pedro . He eventually sent his friend over to help us . The friend was really helpful and showed us the boat in which we were staying . Inside , there was a horrible smell . It was very dirty , but we thought if we left the doors open for a while , we could get some fresh air inside . After an hour , we found out that the toilet wasn 't working as the valve for the flush got stuck . We emailed Pedro ( he was apparently living in Spain ) ; he first asked us to contact him by phone in Spain . However , we could only send email , so that was not an option . He said he would send his friend to help , but we had to wait 1 . 5 hours as his friend was that far away . We had dinner and when we came back , his friend was already there . He fixed the valve . During the night , we woke up as the front of the boat ( where we were sleeping ) was leaking and the water dripped into my husband 's ear . My bedding and hair was wet and all the water came from the ceiling ( photos have been taken ) . The floor was covered with water and we had to put the towels on it to avoid getting our feet wet . We couldn 't sleep anymore , but couldn 't leave either at 3 o ' clock in the morning . The next morning , the lady from Asker Marina came to us and told us we had illegally slept on that boat as nobody is allowed to sleep on the boats . People who are renting a berth are aware of those rules . She said the owner of the boat is not allowed to make money by doing illegal things and certainly not through Airbnb . She advised us to make a complaint as his boat isn 't suitable for renting out . We had an email correspondence with Pedro and told him we wanted 50 % of our money back . We couldn 't find another hotel or place to sleep around 9 : 00 PM that night when we found out that what was mentioned in the Airbnb wasn 't delivered and we were so tired that we weren 't able to shop around for another place to sleep . We still want at least 50 % of our money back as we feel mislead by Pedro and his advertisement with Airbnb . Pedro also promised a private bath ( which was there only for public use - very dirty ; see photo ) . There was no Zodiac or Fjord tour , as there was very bad communication as to which boat did the tours or how to get there . There was no description where things where how they worked . We weren 't able to close the boat properly so we needed to take our valuables with us all the time ( the boat was completely open with no seal or lock ) . This boat was old , dirty and leaking through the roof ( when it started raining during the night ) . Finally , there was the host 's attitude against us , first promising to refund our money , later rejecting this , and starting to accuse us of several things . He charged us a lot of money for nothing ( two different prices in Australian dollars and Euros and all illegal ; bad for the reputation of Airbnb ) . It was our first time in Norway . We saved a lot for this trip and he made our first night a nightmare . This kind of advertising is misleading . Airbnb needs to protect other people from this kind of Spanish Mafia . Posted on June 1 , 2017 I will not recommend Airbnb to my friends , as it won 't protect its users ' rights . My family was planning to travel to Osaka , Japan , and we tried to look for a suitable room for us . Before I made the reservation , I double checked with the house owner about the room I needed ; we had five people and we needed two rooms . She answered me by confirming there were two rooms in the apartment which could easily accomodate five people . However , when I arrived that night , I found there was only a tiny room for two people . I called the house owner . He admitted that it was his fault but the only thing he could do would be to provide a refund . Of course , we also needed to find another place to stay . In such a rush and looking during the busy season , we found no affordable hotel or hostel for our whole family . Therefore we had no choice but to cancel our travel plans and go back to our country . The real room we arrived to find was completely different than that pictured in the photo that the house owner showed on Airbnb , which means the information on the website is fake . Even he refunded us but they did nothing to make up my loss . I also can 't make comments on the website as the reservation has been cancelled . I want to reveal what 's really going on to everyone who wants to find a room to stay on Airbnb . You 'd better to have a backup plan otherwise your rights will not be protected at all .

Like babies , puppies need near - constant care . If you don 't pay attention for two seconds , you look back to find the puppy chewing up your son 's pants , chewing on the couch , or urinating on the floor . It happens . It doesn 't mean you 're a terrible owner or you have a bad dog , it just means you have a puppy . Toddlers are similar . Kevin can be playing nicely and suddenly , it gets quiet . When you are a mom , you know it isn 't the noise you have to worry about , it 's the silence . You run and check to find that your son has discovered a book and is delightedly ripping the pages out . ( This doesn 't really happen anymore , Kevin 's gotten past the point of destroying books . Now he just likes to read them . ) We are so blessed . I am so grateful for my family , including the canine part of it . They aren 't people , and they never will be treated the same as our son , but they do enrich our lives by being part of it . Yesterday , Kevin , Dakota , Arkhon , and I went with our next - door neighbor on a walk ( this is the neighbor who received Arkhon 's brother ) . We were walking her daughter to school , but seeing as we had two small puppies , we decided to leave at 10 : 30 . School started at 12 , and we didn 't want to be late . Even with the two pups , we made pretty good time and got there about 11 : 50 . We would take frequent breaks and make the puppies ride in the stroller after a while . We were trying to be very careful not to over - exercise them . It was really fun to see the differences between the two brothers . Arkhon is a little thinner and less fluffy , but he has a lot more energy . He also is a bit stubborn . Loki , his brother , on the other hand , is calmer and easily tired . It was funny . We walked about ten minutes and Loki wanted into the basket under the stroller . Once he was placed inside , he instantly fell asleep . Arkhon on the other hand , did NOT want to take a break inside the stroller basket . He continually tried to jump out . It was only during the last half an hour of the three hour trip that he finally relaxed and went to sleep . That was nice . We 'll have to keep working on that . They love each other a lot . They 're always excited to see each other , but neither one of them listens very well when they 're playing . When the sidewalk was too narrow for both strollers to be side - by - side , the brother in front would try to get to the brother behind , and the brother behind would be straining to reach the brother in front . They were getting better at ignoring each other and walking though . We had a great time , and I 'm really grateful that my neighbor invited us to go . I like walking with her . We get along well . He already loves his crate . Just a moment ago , he started whining because he couldn 't get into it . I opened it up , and he went right in , laid down and fell asleep . Hooray for successful crate - training ! We started off by putting his favorite toys , his water bowl , and couple of treats in there . When he would enter , we would praise him . After a few times of him going in on his own ( it is important not to force them in ) , we started shutting the door . We lengthened the time that the door was shut , praised him when he was quiet and calm , and ignored him when he started whining . It didn 't take long for him to feel relaxed . Ideally , the crate is supposed to be seen as a safe place . I think he is starting to quickly recognize that . We don 't let Kevin bother him when he 's in there , and I think he enjoys finishing his naps . ( Kevin doesn 't like it when people or dogs are sleeping when he wants to play . ) He and Kevin are doing better at being nice to each other . Last night , Kevin would run over , pet him , and run back with a huge smile on his face as we praised him for being so gentle . Arkhon had this look that said , " I endure this because I love you . " It was pretty funny . Arkhon already feels like part of the family . He and Kevin are best friends ( though we do have to continually remind them to be gentle with each other ) . We try to monitor , but all it takes is a second for Kevin to hit Arkhon or for Arkhon to nip Kevin . We ordered Arkhon 's crate Thursday afternoon . It is supposed to get here today . Meanwhile , he 's been sleeping under our bed . We 'll start crate - training as soon as it gets here . Arkhon has been picking things up quickly . He is already pretty good about not coming in the kitchen , not getting on the beds or couches , and not urinating in the house . He hasn 't pooped in the house once , but he has had a couple of urinary accidents . Fewer every day , and usually if he does have an accident , it is simply because we didn 't move fast enough when he was giving signs that he needed to go . The crate should help eliminate accidents all together . The damage wasn 't very bad . One small accident and one chewed up pair of headphones ( that Grig wanted to replace anyway ) were the main casualties . Dakota , of course , was excellent . Also , Arkhon evidently helped himself onto the couch , because we 've had to correct that a couple of times in the last couple of days . He loves people , especially kids . Every time he sees someone , he wants to go say hello . He is doing really well at learning not to jump on people and walking on the leash . We all love taking walks together . He is really fast too ! If we run with him , he can pretty much keep up already . He tends to run at our sides and not to run ahead , which is excellent . It 's been great to have his brother next door too . They 're always happy to see each other , and they enjoy wrestling . Usually , his brother , who 's been named Loki and is slightly bigger and heavier , pushes him over and ends up on top , but last night Arkhon got the upper hand . The other day , Grig put him on his lap , and then they both proceeded to fall asleep . It was pretty cute . Of course , as soon as I got out the camera , Arkhon woke up and jumped off . I did manage to snap this picture though : When we build a temple , we try to make a building fit for our Heavenly Father to dwell in . That 's why we try and make it beautiful and use the best materials possible . We want to give the Lord our best . It was a beautiful event , and the Spirit was very strong . The Ogden temple was dedicated before , but after renovations , it was re - opened to the general public for tours . We weren 't able to attend the open house ( where anyone could enter ) , but they broadcast the re - dedication in our area . When a temple is dedicated , it becomes a House of the Lord . It is meant to be a sanctuary from the world and all outside influences . This is why is it so important to be keeping the commandments and as clean as possible before you enter the building . This is why it is so restricted . The feeling in the temple is a very calming one . As the scriptures say in John 14 : 27 : Often times , people may claim that they 've never felt the Spirit of the Lord . This may be true for some of them , but you 'd have to try awfully hard to never be in a place where the Lord 's Spirit can dwell . I think more often , people just don 't recognize the Lord 's Spirit when they feel it . Galatians 5 : 22 - 23 say : 23 Meekness , temperance : against such there is no law . When we feel peace , love , and joy , we are feeling the Spirit . He will testify of truth and guide us and strengthen us . When we are baptized as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints , we are baptized and confirmed or born of water and of the spirit ( John 3 : 5 ) . To be confirmed is when you are given the gift of the Holy Ghost through proper authority . This is a promise from the Lord that when you keep His commandments , always remember Him , and take the Savior 's name upon you , you will be accompanied all your days by the third member of the Godhead . Previous to the confirmation , you can feel the Spirit occasionally , but after the confirmation , He is with you always . When I was a kid , I was baptized and confirmed at the age of 8 . However , I went through a point , where I thought that I had lost the Spirit through wickedness . I was about 11 at the time . I remember being really concerned about it , but I continued to try to do my best . Then , one day when I was 18 , I entered a building where the Lord 's Spirit could not come . Suddenly , inside of me , I felt a hollow feeling . I felt almost sick . I was only in this building for a short time , but right afterward the group I was with went to one of our church buildings . As I walked through the doors , it was as though a great wind flooded back into my heart and I felt peace . I realized that I had never lost the Spirit . I was just so used to having Him with me , that I didn 't recognize the feelings when I felt them . I couldn 't identify the Spirit in my life . I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple . When ever I enter the Lord 's holy house , I am flooded with peace and calm . There are very few places like it in the world today . The world is so noisy , that unless we stop to listen , we often won 't hear or feel the still , small voice of the Spirit . I encourage everyone to listen . I 'm still learning how to know when He is speaking to me , but I know He does . I am so grateful that the Lord cares enough to take notice of our lives . I know He loves all of us , regardless of the choices that we have made , and He wants us to return to Him . It was like Christmas . I woke up at 6 : 30 a . m . , and as soon as I remembered what was happening today , I could no longer sleep . So , I began to deep clean my oven . Isn 't that what everyone does when they can 't sleep ? Since my sister 's wedding , I haven 't been able to find my wedding ring . We 've prayed and searched everywhere . However , as we were driving to pick up the pup , Grig was searching for snacks for Kevin in the diaper bag . Suddenly he said , " Hun , guess what ? " He pulled out my wedding ring ! It evidently had been in the diaper bag the whole time . I was so grateful . We immediately said a prayer , and after Grig had cleaned the sticky - candy - juice off of it , I was able to put it back on . Heavenly Father is very kind . As we drove down the driveway to my aunt 's home , we could see the puppies running in a field to the side of us . They had grown quite a bit and were quite fast . They raced us to the house and all six ( mother included ) greeted us with happy faces and wagging tails . There is still one ( maybe two ) puppy ( ies ) available . She 's the whiter one . There may also be a boy with similar coloring available too . We said hello for a few minutes , and then we went and knocked on the door . My aunt answered , and we spent the next couple of hours fawning over our puppy and talking to my aunt . All of her kids were at school , so we didn 't get to say hello to them ; which was too bad . We had a scare at one point . We had been playing with our boy , when suddenly he wandered off and disappeared about the time that my uncle drove in with his truck . We couldn 't find him anywhere ! Visions of him lying crushed under a tire floated through my brain , but luckily , after half and hour or so , we found him in the den where his mother had given birth . He was pretty far underground with some boards covering the entrance . We had worn him out , so he just went to take a nap . After that , my aunt was kind enough to fix us some lunch , we packed up our pup and the other dark male , and loaded everything into the car . The box we had brought was far too small for both puppies ( though it might have fit them a month ago ) , so my aunt also supplied a new box . It was still a bit small , but it was big enough . They were cozy all the way home . Also , they were very cute . Kevin was pretty excited about the puppies being in the car . He kept wanting to play with them , and would get mad if his dad ( who was in the back seat monitoring the situation ) would touch them . He was tired and needed a nap . Grig was sure that he wouldn 't fall asleep because he was too excited . Other than a little car - sickness from our new pup ( he threw up four times ) , things went really well . ( Our neighbor 's pup wasn 't sick at all . ) The pups slept most of the way . Grig thought he had the better end of the deal by sitting in the back while I drove , but at least I didn 't have to clean up puppy - puke . : ) We reached our home and introduced Dakota to the new pup . We took them both outside so they would be on neutral territory before we brought him into the house . He was a little scared of her , and she didn 't really care about him . She gave him a casual sniff and went back to what she was doing . Next we brought him in and gave him a good bath . He did really well , and seemed to enjoy it . He seems to be a water - dog . He loves to splash in his bowl and in puddles outside . There goes the bath . The pup is doing really well with house - training . He has only had two spills , and we caught both before he got very far . He finished up outside both times and has also defecated only on the grass . We have high hopes . He seems to catch onto things quickly . I 'm tired too . I think I 'm going to head to bed . I decided that I 've been living off adrenaline for the past week , and when things got peaceful and I relaxed , I became exhausted . We went to her home a few months ago with a very definite type of puppy in mind . The puppy shouldn 't startle too much at loud noises ( since we have a toddler ) , it should be curious , it should be friendly , fairly calm , and submissive . To our delight , more than one of the puppies fit this profile ! My cousin was pretty funny . He kept telling us , " You can have one for free ! Take it with you ! " We told him thank you , and we wanted to take one , but they were still too young . He then informed us that they had started eating solid food . His mother then explained to him that they still were drinking milk , so they still needed to stay with their mother . When we saw the puppies , I was thrilled . Secretly , I hadn 't really want just a black and white border collie . They 're cute , but I like a little more color variation . . . and variation I received : We determined those two were in the running . They had similar markings ( a . k . a adorable ) , so their look didn 't affect the decision . One was a girl and one was a boy . I was more inclined toward the girl ( I 'd never owned a boy dog before ) , but Grig kind of fell for the boy . Both were friendly and laid easily on their backs ( a sign of submission ) , but the girl fought it just slightly . I decided to step out on a limb and agreed to get the boy puppy ( if we were going to get one ) . At the time , we still weren 't sure , because we wanted to have enough money for vet bills and things . Of course , the most important thing was that he got along with Kevin . Kevin had just woken up from a nap , so he wasn 't too enthusiastic about it at first . However , he warmed up to it . I 'm so stoked ! Tomorrow morning can 't come soon enough . There are a few things we need to finish in preparation , but over - all , I think we 're prepared . I 've spent the last couple weeks deep - cleaning my house and we moved all the books and bookshelves to our room so they won 't get chewed on . I just have to hide the computer chords ( and finish the dishes ) and we 're good to go ! We went to the dog park last night with Dakota , and there were so many puppies there ! It made me a little crazy . They were really cute , and Kevin did really well with them . I think he 'll warm up to the idea . Dakota also did really well at the dog park . She usually likes puppies and bonds well with dogs that she 's introduced to when they are young . Hopefully the pup won 't bother her too bad . We 're going to try to make sure he leaves her alone when she 's had enough . My neighbor is getting one as well , so we 're actually driving back with two pups . She still has two more ( I think they 're both girls ) if anyone is interested . Let me know ; ) . I read a fantastic blog this morning from a friend of mine where she talked about her struggles and joys with her son during his first year of life . Here is the link if you 'd like to read her post . It 's fantastic : I highly recommend it . Kevin was an awesome baby . He was nearly always cheerful , he slept through four hour chunks at night , and he immediately grasped the concept of nursing . We had a pretty peaceful babyhood . He became mobile quite quickly , as we might have mentioned before . He was crawling at six months , and fluently walking at nine months . At the time , we were pretty proud , but that quickly led to pleased - horror as he began to get into everything . That stage wasn 't even really that bad though . Kevin has an inherent cautious streak in him . He might do something once , but he learns pretty quick when something hurts him , and he tends not to do it again . Due to that , it 's been pretty easy to allow him to make some mistakes , because he usually learns from them ( key word : usually ) . However , this last stage has been pretty challenging . Kevin is now at the stage where he KNOWS what he wants , and he isn 't able to communicate it very well . That , combined with me leaving for work with a month and his eye teeth coming in , has made for a pretty grumpy , frustrated child . When my son would scream and scream and follow me around the house , but wouldn 't want to be touched , has probably been the hardest point of motherhood for me . It was very frustrating , because I often know what he wants , but it was something I either couldn 't give him , or I didn 't want him to have . He couldn 't understand that though , so it resulted in a temper tantrum . It didn 't matter what I did , he would just stuck in the angry phase . When Kevin throws a temper , it can be pretty hilarious . He 'll stomp his feet and swing his arms and blurb his lips . Sometimes I have to laugh at him , because he 's so cute . Of course , that can make him even more angry . Sometimes humor is our only salvation . The other thing that he has been doing that has been frustrating is when he tries to hurt you . Somewhere he picked up pinching , biting , and hitting . We 're working on those , but the more tired he is , the more he tries to lash out . He 's learning , even if it can be a slow process . I think he just does 't comprehend that he 's hurting other people . He thinks it is some kind of game . At the same time , it has been a glorious period . Kevin is starting to talk , and it has been thrilling to hear identifiable words come from his mouth . He can say bubble , run , and dog . One of my favorite things that I hear him say , is he will go , " He says ROOAARR ( or whatever noise he just heard something make ) . " He 'll say it a couple times if I don 't react right away . That 's always fun to hear . He 's an adorable baby , and we 're so proud of him . Right now , he really wants to help with everything , and that has been a lot of fun . A few weeks ago , we were snapping beans , and he wanted to help . I decided to let him try . This is what happened : He was trying really hard . He finally figured out that it didn 't take that much effort and was able to help a bit . He loves to help with dishes and it 's easy to keep him preoccupied while I do them . I just hand him a wooden spoon and he stirs around the water . We 've seen some incredible things that he has been learning , and every day he becomes an even more awesome little man . Grig is thrilled ( when Kevin 's not screaming at us ) , and as his vocabulary has improved and his tooth pain has subsided , we seem to be moving away from the screaming fits . Hooray ! At the end of every evening , even when the day 's been rough , he 's still my sweet little boy . I will never regret having such a wonderful child . I know times might be challenging , but he is worth every frustration and stress . I wouldn 't trade him for anything , including more sleep . Everything he learns is a thrill and a delight . It will be so much fun to see where he goes next . With a kid like this , he can do anything he puts his mind to ! This year , we invited some different family members to come with us . Last year we took Grig 's sister and brother - in - law with us . This year we invited my sister , and Grig 's two brothers . Once we 'd gathered our complete party , we entered the gates . That 's when I realized that we had forgotten our stroller ! I convinced Grig to let us rent one , even though that was a little expensive . That was nice of him . It ended up carrying everyone 's stuff , so it worked pretty hard throughout the night . Grig 's older younger brother liked it , but Havelock thought it was too scary . After that , we went and ate dinner , which was delicious . They served hamburgers , hot - dogs , and fried chicken . We also could get ice - cream , as much soda as you wanted , and chips . We rolled away from the tables and decided to stay away from the intense rides while our food digested . It wasn 't . However , Grig and his brother thought that Kevin had been laughing at the end , so I decided to go on the ride with him again . He wasn 't very excited about the idea and he wanted to sit on my lap . I wasn 't sure that was allowed , so I made him sit on the seat just before the ride got started . This picture was taken before I removed him from my lap . He might have been okay if I had left him there . He screamed nearly the whole time . Afterward , we decided we needed to stick with tamer things , like the merry - go - round . First though , we took turns on the bumper cars . First , Havelock and my sister went . After that , we went to the merry - go - round . Kevin had some trepidation about riding on it , but eventually he started to enjoy it . He liked the lion that he rode on . After the merry - go - round , we wanted to ride on some roller coasters . We decided to start with the tamest one , and really old white one . Havelock didn 't want to join his brothers at first , but they " convinced " him to go with them . That turned out to be one of his favorite rides . While they were riding that , my sister bought some cotton candy and shared it with Kevin and me . It was really good . At first , Kevin didn 't want to eat it . He found the consistency to be strange . Eventually , he tried it , and then he couldn 't get enough of it . About this point , it became too dark to take pictures , so we just enjoyed ourselves and put the camera away . We rode on a lot of different rides , but we were waiting to go onto one called " Wicked " until the end , because we were hoping the line would be shorter . Compared to normal , it really wasn 't bad , but we didn 't want to wait if we could help it . By the time we finally went on it , only Grig and I were able to go . My sister was nice enough to watch Kevin , but they closed the line before Grig and I finished . We felt bad that she and Grig 's brother hadn 't gotten to go ( Havelock didn 't want to ) , but I think everyone had a really good time . We had a fantastic time , and we can 't wait for next year ( as long as Grig is still working at the same job ) . We 'll probably invite different family members so more people get a chance to come with us . It 's fun to do things with family , and roller coasters are exciting ! The church is separated into congregations called wards . Each of the wards are made up of so many members within a designated area . If there are fewer members in a city , the ward boundaries ( or the area that makes up the ward ) is much bigger . If there are more members in a city , then the ward boundaries tend to be smaller . My current ward is made up of about 10 or so blocks . A group of wards forms a stake , and the leader of a stake is a stake president . " Stake " is not a term found in the New Testament , but is taken from Old Testament tent imagery in which the " tent , " or church , is held up by supporting stakes ( see Isaiah 54 : 2 ) . Thus , when we have stake conference , it is a rather large group of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter - day Saints who have gathered to listen to the words of the stake president , his councilors , and other men and women whom he asks to speak . He then went on to talk to us about not being casual with our religion . He told us that in this day and age , it is easy to say things like , " It 's not on the outside that matters , but what 's on the inside . " If you adhere to this philosophy , then it doesn 't matter what you wear to church as long as you are living the gospel internally . I thought about how we begin to think that we 're doing just fine and we stop moving forward . I began to think about ways that I had become casual in my religion . He talked to us about the importance of reading and pondering the scriptures , saying deeper prayers , and giving more time to the Lord . I used to use an analogy on my mission . I would tell people that this life is a fast - moving river and we are always being dragged downstream . If we want to reach our Father in Heaven , we have to be continually paddling upstream with the tools that he has given us . If we ever stop paddling , we begin to get dragged back downstream . If we are not moving toward Heavenly Father , we are moving away . It is impossible to stay in one spot . Often times , instead of deeply pondering the scriptures , I simply skim or do a casual read . I 've tried to read them every day , and just recently , I 've been trying to read for half an hour first thing in the morning . However , that doesn 't mean that my scripture study can 't be greatly improved . He asked , " What would our church service be like if we each gave just two hours a night over to the Lord ? " He stated that we could use that time in any assortment of ways , like serving our neighbors , doing family history , and preparing lessons . He then posed the question of how that time given to the Lord would change the way we fulfilled our callings . You see , the LDS church does not have a paid clergy . It is ran by the members doing all of the jobs because they are called of God and want to serve Him . Even the stake president was simply a good man doing his best to fulfill his calling . I am currently in the primary presidency , which means that I help take care of the children in our ward . I wondered how much more effective I would be if I was able to give two hours a night to my calling . I felt that the spiritual promptings that I could receive would be greatly amplified . I feel that the stake president wasn 't necessarily asking us to put aside two hours a night for our church . Instead , I feel that he was asking us to consider our lives and try to discover where we could increase the time that we give to the Lord . Out of a twelve hour day , we can probably find a couple hours to give service to our neighbors , ponder on the scriptures , or prepare lessons . I agree with the stake president . Sometimes I take the gospel way too casually . Sometimes I don 't maintain an eternal perspective of events and I allow little things to distract me from doing what is right . I want to work on taking my Savior and my Heavenly Father much more seriously and listening more intently for their instructions . A lot of times , I don 't listen long enough , I only ask for things when I 'm praying . If I don 't stop to listen , how will I know if I 've received an answer ? I know that He does answer prayers . He has answered a multitude of them for me . Sometimes it takes a while for the answer to come , and sometimes it isn 't the answer that we want . However , if we sincerely pray , and have real intent to accept and do the answer no matter what it is , then we will be given the answer that will bring us the greatest peace and draw us nearer to our Heavenly Father . I know this is true . Sometimes the answer you don 't want is the one that brings you the greatest happiness . I know that the stake president is called of God , and as I follow his council that I will be blessed both temporally and spiritually , On the fourth weekend during my time in Idaho , I was trying to figure out what to do . Grig and I didn 't have enough money for him to come up for the weekend , which really stunk because it was Labor Day weekend , and Grig didn 't have work on Monday . I hated for him to be home all alone on a holiday . However , after really enjoying being home , I was reluctant to leave . I called my brother on the off - chance that he had come down to visit his in - laws and I could hitch a ride with him . He told me they were visiting in Utah , and wouldn 't be heading back to Idaho until Monday . He told me that I could ride back with them ! That was fantastic news ! My parents dropped by before they left , and they brought us a house - guest . They found a random monarch caterpillar just cruising along the sidewalk , so they brought it in . I knew where some milkweed was , so we fed our hungry little caterpillar . He ate about two of these huge leaves a day . He is currently in a cocoon turning into a butterfly . Hopefully it happens soon . We had a few really busy days . Saturday afternoon we agreed to watch my husband 's friend 's kids while he and his wife went fishing . They were supposed to be over by 2 : 00 p . m . , but as the minutes ticked by and they didn 't show , we began to wonder if they were coming . Finally , we got a text from his friend . He told Grig to come out because he had something to show him . Grig went out and when he walked back in , I was pretty surprised . Grig was carrying three very large catfish . Evidently , Grig 's friend and his wife couldn 't wait for us to finish the other things we had to do that morning . They had already gone fishing . That meant that instead of spending the rest of the afternoon watching kids , we spent the rest of the afternoon gutting fish . Kevin kept waving at the fish and saying , " Hi ! " He would reach down and pet them too . They were pretty chill about it , and by the time that Grig had finished cleaning the first one , we were having second thoughts about killing the next two . However , they weren 't our fish , and we couldn 't let them live in our bathtub . So , I made Grig kill the biggest fish for me , and then I gutted it . That was nice of him to do that for me . He also really liked them , but he grew up on a small farm , so he 's better at killing things than I am . We haven 't eaten the fish yet . We are waiting for a good time to get with the friends who caught them and eat them together . Hopefully next weekend . Meanwhile , they 're cooling in our freezer .

My stay at Apartment 18 B was brief , but I assure you it has put its mark on me for good . I was looking for an apartment after just moving out of my rented home due to a horrible smell coming from the basement . I am an artist , and I found that the smell that had gotten exponentially worse over time was making it hard for me to concentrate on my work . So I contacted one of the apartment complexes I lived near and turned in an application . I was soon called back to be shown an apartment , Apartment 18 B to be exact , and I fell in love almost immediately . Apartment 18 B was small , it contained only four rooms if you included the bathroom , but it was perfect for my needs . Plus , the rent would be cheaper than it was at my old place . However , odd things began happening on the very first night I was there . It was late , and I was engrossed in my work on the art easel . I was painting a piece that was inspired by the smell of the basement of my old place . A pile of four corpses , piled in the basement of the house they once lived in , that 's what I was painting when I began to hear voices . Whispering , commanding , and almost angry , the voices drew me over to the window . When I reached the window , I drew back the curtains revealing the glass . I could see nothing but darkness outside , as that side of the complex was poorly lit . In the reflection of the glass however , I saw a face , angry and twisted whispering terrifying words . I looked down to try to make sure that the window lock was secure , but I noticed it was broken , something the landlord must not know about because he didn 't show it to me when I was first shown the apartment , I snapped the curtain shut and went back to my work on the easel , but still the voice persisted . Day in and day out those voices assaulted my ears . When I was eating breakfast , the voices were there . When I was taking a shower , I could hear the voices through the sound of pounding water in the tub . The worst came to me when I tried to sleep , where in my bed somehow the voices were much louder . It It was a week ago that I happened to be driving by the window of Apartment 18 B , on the side of the complex that was poorly lit . I noticed a light was on in the living room , which meant someone must have already moved into that apartment . As I parked on the shoulder of the road , I briefly wondered if they too heard the voices . I brushed that thought away almost immediately however , the voices have always been my own , they have always shown me the inspiration for my art . I could see movement in the living room , which meant whoever now lived in Apartment 18 B was still awake . That night didn 't feel right anyway , so I drove back to my hotel . I am almost nearly done with my new painting now , only one thing is missing , and I think tonight feels right to go get it . I have packed my bag properly with my favorite knife , my drill , and rope of course . I 'm going to sit and admire my canvas for a while before I go … On the canvas is a painting of a dark space illuminated by a lit window . I need to paint someone within the window , but I don 't have the face painted yet . All that I ever was , and all that I ever became or will become , is thanks to Angela . Sweet Angela . The woman who , at one time long since passed was just a girl who came to me . Angela came to me , who at one time , was just a child . I was crying . There were older boys , much bigger than me . The boys wanted something , a plastic green top that I had brought to school that day as I recall . I was much too small to stop them . They hurt me , minor childish hazing , really . But it was enough for them to take what they wanted . I was so upset I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in a stall . I cried and I cried and I cried . As silly as that top was , to a child with no friends it was everything . But then for a moment my crying was stayed by a knocking on the bathroom door . When I calmed myself down enough to open it , there stood Angela , and in her hand was that stupid green top . I thanked her with my hesitation at full throttle , but her warm beautiful smile whisked all trepidation away . I told her my name . Angela . My god . Angela , from then on would be the very one I wished to not part from that day forward . In a sense I suppose my wish came true . Time went on , I grew older , as did she . We were about ten years of age I believe , when Valentine 's Day arrived and I was very nervous . My family was very poor , and so while all of the other children brought candy and Valentine 's Day cards to share , I brought nothing store bought and certainly nothing for anyone else . I did bring one gift , one I made myself . Just small piece of folded paper , in which I drew in crayon my best depiction of an angel , who I of course named Angela . Then below the angel were the words , MY SAVIOR . I gave this gift to sweet Angela , afraid of what she would tell me . " It 's beautiful . " She said , and gave me the biggest hug I had ever gotten . Angela was my first and only girlfriend . She also became my first and only wife . When I was eighteen , I proposed . I was a little more adept at drawing by then . My proposal came in the form of a painting , Angela once again the main focus as the beautiful angel she was . Her wings wrapped me in a tight embrace , the light she emitted chasing away the darkness around me . The darkness in the form of many bullies . Bullies in the form of many demons , who threatened to take away all that I held dear . Words at the bottom of the painting this time read , WILL YOU BE MY SAVIOR ? After than memory , things get hazy . I made good money with my artwork . Angela was doing well in law school . But then something went wrong … . Leukemia . The word comes to me now , though for some reason the meaning of the word escapes me … I remember a deep sadness . I remember white walls and bags on polls . I remember long nights with loud beeps . God why is my memory fading so ? I stand , looking at the sleeping form of my Angela now . She looks so peaceful in our bed . For some reason though , I can see myself lying there next to her . Is this a dream ? Why does it seem like I 've been here for so god damned long ? Leukemia … I remember now . I remember how she fought so hard , and I remember how tired she became of fighting . I hated seeing her in so much pain . I promised we would go together , she took the first handful of pills , I took the next . I remember that now . But where then , if I can now look upon the physical forms of my Savior and I , has her soul gone ? Why am I alone here in this awful house of false saviors and broken dreams ? Is there a hell ? Is there a heaven ? And if there is a heaven did my broken savior make it there ? Angela … my Angela … I 'm so sorry . I don 't know how long I 've been here , as my memory comes and goes while time marches on . But I do know that I lost faith in you . You became broken , and I no longer saw you as my angel . I saw you as a burden , a ruined reminder of things that were once great . I gave you a way out , and you thought me a hero for it . But I should have held on , encouraged you to be strong while I stood by your side . But I didn 't . When you needed ME to save YOU , I took the fucking cowards way out . Maybe that 's why your soul is gone , and I am forced to stand here unmoving . I am forced to watch the ruin I created , the broken , horrible and ugly catastrophe that I could have stopped . If only I would have been as strong as you . I wonder , what will happen when our bodies are discovered ? Will I be forced to lay with you in your coffin ? Or have they already found us , and this is just a mockery of our death that I am forced to bear witness to for all eternity ? I don 't know . But I do know this Sweet Angela , I don 't deserve you as my angel , and I never did . Sweet Angela Blue Lights March 19 , 2016March 19 , 2016 rinulusLeave a comment By J . J . Cheesman Recently , I moved into a new home . I was excited because up until then I had only ever lived in an apartment . In my sleepy little town of Charity , at the very end of a street named Bridgett , stood a stoic red brick house . It was a bit out of the way , which is why I assumed the house across from it and adjacent had also stood un - occupied with ' For Sale ' signs in the yard . But it was that beautiful house that I had my eye on for a while . I worked at the machine factory in town , so the location of the house was no issue for me . Once I was all moved in I found I had trouble sleeping at night . I was so used to all of the random noises that came with living in an apartment building that to me the silence was less than comforting . Since my nearest neighbor was a block away , the only sounds that could be heard at night was the very occasional car that would travel down my street . The sounds of rolling tires and running engines would accompany the soft yellow or blue glow of headlights spilling into my bedroom windows as the vehicles passed . The car - light was just an added disturbance to my sleepless nights . So I ended up getting a box fan and I placed it on my night stand , facing it away from me . My hope was that the added white noise would help me to sleep better at night . The fan did help , for the most part . But I still found that although I could barely hear a thing outside thanks to the whirring blades of my new purchase , I still found it hard to fall asleep with my room being illuminated every now and then by glowing headlights . Even though my street was relatively devoid of life it seemed that a lot of people liked to use it as a detour , and it was even busier the later it got . I didn 't understand it . One particular night that I lay in bed , I swear my room was lit by blue light at least five times in a half hour . I was nearly at my wits end . Work became a living nightmare due to lack of sleep . I was often grumpy with co - workers and friends . Life was just becoming a mess . Then one night I decided to hell with it , I was going to duct tape my windows . I know it sounds atrocious , and it was . But I didn 't know what else to do , and I figured that an occasional passer - by thinking I was trashy was worth a good night 's sleep . The next couple of nights were absolute bliss . With my bedroom now completely drenched in darkness throughout the night I slept better than I 'd had in a long time . Nearly a week after I decided to put up the tape , I found myself unable to fall asleep due to a rather nasty cough . So I rolled out of bed and made my way into the kitchen to get some water . I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and began filling it from the faucet , when in through the window above my sink came a flash of blue light . I was hardly certain I saw it at first . Then the blinding flash came again , going out as soon as it came . ' A storm is coming ' I thought . Two or three more flashes came in through the window as I downed my glass of water and set the glass in the sink . I then turned , looking out of the kitchen into my living room , just a passing glance to see if I had left any windows open . The light from my kitchen window flashed again , spilling into the room . It 's funny what happens to the body when something completely terrifying occurs in one awful moment . Like the feeling of missing the last step of a flight of stairs . Your whole being becomes completely tense , almost soaking up the horrifying reality of the situation . That 's what my body did when that flash of light came in through my kitchen window , but my un - lit living room remained completely dark . I turned around slowly to look out through that window above my sink . I could see nothing but total darkness . I stared out into the darkness beyond that glass for what seemed like several minutes , but I couldn 't see anything . That awful feeling came back to me once more but instead of missing the bottom step , it felt as though I was missing an entire flight of stairs all together . I COULD see something through that window , though it was a little misshapen . Just beyond the window frame I could see what appeared to be a vague outline of a human 's head , but there was something not quite right . That brilliant flash of light came again , partially blinding me and I had to shield my eyes . The light stayed on for just a couple seconds longer this time , and I could see now that the source of the light was something that looked like headlights . The light went out again and the afterimage that it left in my vision made me cold . In the afterimage , I saw that misshapen head , and I saw what was bothering me about it . The source of the light wasn 't coming from headlights . There in that ghostly apparition that only existed in my own sight , I saw two giant and bulbous eyes . Eyes that I now realized were emitting that blinding blue glow . An incredible terror over took me then , as the full scope of the situation over took my mind . I had to tape up my windows because of the late night traffic that bustled down my street . But how often had it actually been the very thing that stood outside my house at that moment , looking in at me as I laid in bed ? Were there ever any sounds of engines going down my street passed a certain hour ? I try to recall that now as I tried to recall then , and still I 'm not sure . The afterimage in my vision went away after a second or two , but that light didn 't return . I looked hard outside that kitchen window then , searching for any sign of the creature 's head , but there was none . I turned and ran to the living room , making sure every window there was closed and that their respective blinds were drawn . I double checked the front door ensuring that the lock was in place . My head was buzzing and thinking straight was impossible . I grabbed a baseball bat that I kept by the front door and I sat on my couch , laying the bat across my knees . I couldn 't believe what was happening , this couldn 't be true . My mind raced at the possibilities of what might be lurking just outside my home . A ghost ? An alien ? " I 'm fine ! No need to force the door open ! I 'll be right there ! " I got up , and slowly unlocked the door , bat at the ready . I opened the door slowly , and on the other side stood a portly man dressed in a policeman 's uniform . He had a very concerned look on his face and his palms were open , showing me he had no weapon . " Son " He said , " I think it 's best you come with me . " My bat was raised , but at the sight of the defenseless police officer I lowered it , dropping my guard for the moment . I looked out behind him to the vacant , trashed houses that lined the street . Empty , save for all the random debris stuffed within each of them . It didn 't add up to me . How would the sheriff have known that I was in distress ? No one was around to make the call . I looked back to the seemingly concerned , portly sheriff and smiled . " That 's quite alright son , just hand me the bat . " He outstretched one of his palms , never taking his eyes off me . Pale blue eyes that I swear shined like headlights in the night . I slowly outstretched the bat with both hands , offering it to the man . Then , my head jerked to the left , giving off the impression that something caught my eye just beyond the sheriff 's right shoulder . That fool actually turned around . I raised the bat high above my head , and brought it down on that bumbling oaf 's dumbass head . He slumped and fell hard to the concrete of my porch steps , and I watched for a moment waiting for him to transform back into the monster I knew him to be . After a minute went by , he began to move , but he didn 't change in appearance . That was fine with me . I could keep it up . I swung the bat again , and again . The bat slammed down on the sheriff 's skull and broke it open like a visceral piñata . Spewing chunks of bone and gray matter all over my face , but I kept swinging . I didn 't stop until there was only a stump below a blood stain . Still , the bastard never revealed his true form . That was fine by me , I wasn 't going to fall for their tricks . I looked up then , into the house across from mine , and saw movement . There was another one trying to hide from me . I reached down and grabbed the sheriff 's gun from his holster and marched across the street . I kicked the door down with some difficulty , and once I made it into the house I found the monster curled up and shaking on a pile of newspaper . What a pitiful sight it was , I put that ugly bastard down with one gunshot to the head , but I fired a couple more rounds for good measure . This was my first time dealing with these creatures , better to be safe than sorry . That 's when I looked up across the way at my house , and saw something strange . My house , that was previously a beautiful red brick home , was now gray and dilapidated . From what I could see inside my home , it now looked much like the dirty , trash filled one I stood in . How had these creatureThere are things on this earth that simply cannot be explained away with reason and logic no matter how hard you try . Things that , don 't want to be explained because they don 't want to be known . After what I have been through this is what I now believe to be true . I used to think of the supernatural as something entirely fictional , but life has a funny way of making fools of us all , and I have become its latest fool . I am a night manager at a department store located in a strip mall . We are open until eleven , so it 's not uncommon for me to leave work at around twelve or later and then arrive home at around one in the morning . The half - hour drive from work to home was always the worst part of my working nights as I would always be exhausted by the time I was on the road and the drive always seemed to take FOREVER . At some point , not long ago , the Chinese restaurant that was located right next to us closed down . I don 't know why it went out of business . I used to eat their often so frankly , I don 't want to know . Only a day or two after the restaurant closed we saw movers coming in and pulling out all of the tables and chairs and throwing them into the back of a large truck . We didn 't get another restaurant however . More workers came , and they took down the lettering on the building that read : ' The Green Dragon ' and replaced them with : ' Twenty - Four Hour Gym ' . To me this was a metaphorical sign as well as a literal one . My ex - boyfriend Marcus ; who I had been dating on and off since high school , told me when we were together that I should be in better shape . No , that 's not why we weren 't together but yes he could be an asshole sometimes . Marcus was someone I will always love on a deep level ; we just could never work . Marcus …… had his demons . He always went from one extreme to the next , happy and excited about life one moment and then the next he found himself in a dark and angry depression . I felt bad for him even though he refused to seek help . He was always so sweet when he was having his good days and I could tell he really did care for me . But on his bad days he would yell and cuss and drink , unhappy with anything I would try to do to make it better . But I digress , Marcus WAS being a jackass when he told me to get in better shape . Unfortunately , as much as I hate to admit it , he was right . In high school I ran track , and I was pretty good at it . But high school was going on nearly eight years ago , and the toned smooth skin of my stomach had grown a bit flabby and uneven . So I decided to get a membership as soon as it opened . Now , I had a very hectic schedule . I went to my classes during the day at eight in the morning and at four o ' clock I would be at work . So the only time I could go work out was after work and at night . I had some reservations about this , because it would mean I would be at the strip mall after every other store there had closed and it was likely that the whole strip mall would be empty . So I asked Jenna one day if she would want to work out with me . " It 's just not my thing Sarah , I don 't really feel like I should lose any weight . " She said , ' Great ' I thought . " Besides , it 's not like you have anything to worry about , there has to be an attendant watching the gym so you won 't be alone anyway . " She had a point . I could just make sure my car was parked in front of the gym so anyone working could see if I was being attacked , and I always carried mace on me . Without any excuses left to stop me , I got my gym membership . Thirty bucks a month is what it was going to cost me to run on a treadmill for one hour five days a week . I 've spent more on worse I guess . On the first night that I decided I would be going to the gym , I was admittedly still nervous . I was counting the cash in my drawer at four o ' clock while the store wasn 't busy . I had been on edge , because Marcus had called me seven times two nights before , and I didn 't answer it a single time . Not that Marcus is exactly the stalker type ; when he got in his moods he preferred to be alone , but it still made my mind uneasy . So , as Jenna was cleaning some handprints off of the glass of the front door ( left by the handprints of some lackadaisical patron , no doubt ) I asked her if she would reconsider going to the gym with me . When I asked her , she turned around and walked over to the counter setting the bottle of Windex down as she did so . " Sarah , if you really are worried , I will stick around for a half - hour or so , but I 'm not joining any gym " She said matter - of - factly . The lack of enthusiasm on her face made me change my mind and quickly shoot back . " Hell no , I don 't need any of that . " She said , and turned back around as I raised an eyebrow . Jenna wasn 't a plus - sized girl , but I wouldn 't go as far as to say she couldn 't use a couple rounds on the treadmill herself . Later that night after closing down the store I locked the front door and looked out into the mostly empty parking lot of the strip mall . There were only two cars in the lot , one being my own . I walked the couple feet that was the distance between my store 's entrance , and the gym 's . When I reached for the door handle and pulled I found it locked . I was caught off guard for a moment , but the I saw a device attached to the door with a little red light . I remembered when I signed up for the gym , I got a spiel about how it would be locked passed a certain hour at night . After the lecture about not losing it , they handed me the little white card . I dug through my purse a bit frantically forgetting what exactly I had done with the key card after I received it . To be perfectly honest the guy who helped me with signing up was that type of good - looking that made it hard to concentrate on anything . I found the card at the bottom of my purse however , and I slid it into the slot of the device on the door . The light on the little black box went from red to green , and then I heard a * click * as the door unlocked . I pulled on the handle and walked through the door of the gym and saw that Jacob ; the really cute guy that helped me out with setting up a membership a few nights before , was working again tonight . He said hello and gave me a wink as I made my way to the locker room . All I could do was blush and give a small wave . I changed from my nice dress - clothes into some shorts and a track - tank , then I stretched a bit before finding a treadmill . I had my pick of the machines as the gym was completely empty save for Jacob and I , so I chose one of the treadmills that was facing the ceiling - to - floor glass windows that looked out into the parking lot and set the machine to a low pace . After a couple minutes , I set the pace a little higher . My old leg muscles seemed to be remembering what they were once for rather quickly . As I ran , I could feel Jacob 's eyes on me from the counter behind me . Every now and then I would sneak a glance behind me and I would catch him staring . When I did catch him looking , he would quickly look down and pretend to be looking at something on the counter . Jacob 's watching didn 't bother me and in fact , I liked it . It was nice to know that someone thought I was something to stare at . That 's how things went for a little while . I would close the store , go to the gym , and often catch Jacob staring at me while I ran . Sometimes I would stop and talk to Jacob and make some light conversation before I ran on the treadmill . At that point , I was hoping he would ask me out but he never got around to it . Then one evening when I was doing my mid - day cash count Jenna called me over to where she was cleaning more handprints off of the window in the entrance door . " Is that the guy you 've been wanting to ask out ? " she asked when I walked over . I craned my neck to look out of the store over to the gym to see who she was talking about . It wasn 't Jacob , but he was certainly handsome . " No , that 's not him . " I said " Any man who knows how to pick up a damn paper towel is already halfway to perfect in my book . " She shot back . I admitted , she had a point . When closing time came I was excited . Yeah , I got to see Jacob who I was becoming increasingly infatuated with , but I was eager to get back on the treadmill that night . After entering the gym and some more small talk with Jacob , I was changed and began running on my normal treadmill in front of the windows . The gym was completely empty as usual , and all the sound that could be heard was the sound of my feet hitting the treadmill . I took note though , that their seemed to be more handprints smudged on the window . ' What was it with people ? ' I thought when I saw the glass . After about a half hour , I looked back to see if Jacob was looking at me . When I turned I saw that Jacob was not behind the counter and was nowhere else to be found . I knew he was a smoker , so I just figured he went out the back to light up . I turned back around , still running , and looked out at the barren lot of the strip mall . Looking out there into the lit lot even though was empty actually comforted me . I couldn 't believe I was ever scared to come here . Even if there was some would - be attacker waiting outside he would be easily spotted . As those thoughts passed through my mind , I saw him . Standing on the other side of the lot just out of the light , being so still he could be mistaken for a statue , was what I assumed to be a man dressed in all black . He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up keeping his face concealed , but he was facing in the direction of the gym . I turned off the treadmill and ran with it while it slowed to a stop . I then studied the man , trying to discern what he would possibly be doing out there . That strip mall was located at the edge of town , the only thing within walking distance was a gas station just down the road . Just behind where the man was standing , was the main highway that stretched on for twenty or so miles until you reached the next town over , so I really hoped he hadn 't walked . The whole time I stared at the figure in black he didn 't move one inch . I wondered for a brief moment if I should call the police , but then decided against it . I turned back around and yelled out . " Jacob ! " But he was still outside . I considered going behind the counter and out the back door , maybe Jacob would know what to do . Just then I heard a loud * BANG * as something slapped against one of the glass windows of the Gym . I whipped my head around and saw the hooded man standing directly in front of the window , his hands on the glass and head lowered , keeping his face was hidden . I stumbled back off of the treadmill taken by surprise but thankfully I was able to keep my balance . That parking lot was at least one hundred feet across , there was no way that guy could of ran from one end to the other in that amount of time . I began stepping backwards slowly until my back made contact with a treadmill that was set a few feet back from the one I was using . I then stood there breathing heavily , watching the intruder outside . He had not moved since he had slammed his hands against the window . His ghost - white hands were still placed upon the glass , and I could see that some dark liquid had stained the hood and shoulders of his Hoodie . He just stood there outside the gym as if he was waiting for something to happen . On that silent and empty gym floor , I was completely alone . I thought that the man must have been hyped up on bath salts or something , though that didn 't explain how he got across the parking lot in such a short amount of time . Just as a thought of making a break for it entered my head , I saw something I hadn 't noticed before . The man 's hood was pulled up close to his face , guarding his eyes from sight . But his mouth was not covered by the hood , his pale blue lips were inches from the window . The window which had no condensation on it . If the man were breathing , the glass would be fogged up . When I came to that conclusion I bolted to the front counter of the gym , scrambling over the table and into the doorway that led to an area in the back . As I ran passed the workout supplies I heard the sound of shattering glass as the intruder forced his way into the gym . I burst through the door at the back of the small room , and when I came out of the other side I put all my weight against the door , forcing it shut and keeping it barred . Soon there was pounding from the other side of the as the man dressed in black banged on it from the other side . " Sarah , I need you ! " His voice rang from inside the gym , it was deep and gravely . The voice sounded as if he hadn 't spoken in a long time . I put all of my weight on that door but he was so strong , I didn 't know how long I could hold . Soon I knew I would have to just make a break for it , but I was hesitant to try to out run him when I remembered how quickly he made it across the parking lot . " Just leave me alone ! I don 't know who you are just leave ! " In that moment , I happened to look away from the door to the asphalt of that dark alley for the first time . What I saw there made my decision about running for me . As soon as I looked down my eyes were met with the sight of Jacob 's broken , lifeless body lying in the alley behind the strip mall . Jacob 's eyes and lips were ripped out of his bloody mangled face and lay next to him in a visceral mess . His stomach was torn open , and his innards were strewn all around his lifeless body . In that moment of seeing Jacob in that state , I snapped . I screamed and ran out of that alley and I didn 't stop running until I made it to the gas station down the road and shrieked at them to call the police . All the while that I was running in the direction of the gas station I only stole a glance back at the strip mall once . The man in the black hoodie , was nowhere to be found . As you can imagine , I have been pretty shaken by the experience . That last night at the strip mall was a full week ago , and I haven 't been back since . I have taken some time off work , but every day I call Jenna and I ask her about the store , particularly about handprints . " No , no handprints today . " She would say in a voice that seemed irritated . Meanwhile I was pissing my pants . The police still haven 't found who had killed Jacob and had been harassing me that night , but they have made sure a squad car has been posted near my house to be on the lookout . " Heard what ? " I asked as my attention was drawn to my window where some birds were chirping . " Sarah … Marcus shot himself a couple weeks ago . He did it in hotel room a couple towns over … It was quick , the bullet went through his brain … . Oh god Sarah , I 'm so sorry ! " I didn 't reply , not because of the news I 'd just received . But my eyes became focused , and I saw something on my third - floor window that shouldn 't be possible at all on that side of the building . It 's just a straight drop , eighteen feet below to the pavement outside . But there , in the glass of that window , was a pair of handprints . I remember my Father - in - Law 's fifty - fifth birthday party very well . Smoking in my wife 's parents house was not aloud . So I spent some time outside , dragging on a cigarette while the festivities went on inside . I happened to glance over at the house across from the yard I was smoking in , and in the window I saw something peculiar . There was a girl that I could see through a second floor window . She was giving me gestures I didn 't understand in the slightest . The girl had her right palm outstretched and open , her left hand was shaped into a fist and she was bringing the fist down onto her open palm . She did this two or three times until I shrugged at her . She then switched her gesture , bringing both of her hands near her face with her palms out . Her fingers were curled and her expression became slightly angry , almost as if she was growling at me . " Honey ! Dad 's about to open his presents ! " my wife called from the front door of her parent 's home . I gave her a wave . " Be right there ! " As my wife went inside I turned my gaze back to the window across the street . The girl was gone and curtains now obscured my view of the room where she once stood . I thought it was strange obviously , but I laughed it off just a kid being a kid . I went back inside to enjoy the party and thought nothing more of it . " Oh ! Did I tell you about the couple who live next door to Mom and Dad ? " " No , what ? " I replied , having forgotten all about my experience with the girl a couple weeks prior . " Their daughter went missing ! It 's crazy , they said there was no sign of a break - in , she just vanished while her parents were downstairs watching television . The parents said she was upstairs in her room playing ! " A feeling of dread began to loom in my chest then as my wife spoke on . " Poor girl , Dad said the only clue to her disappearance is that for some reason , her clothes were all torn out of her closet and were thrown around the room . " " Wait " I said , " Wouldn 't her parents have heard her screaming or something ? " " That 's what I thought ! " my wife said , then her look became solemn as she went on , " Dad said she was deaf though , and spoke completely with sign language . " At that point I became very anxious and my wife must have seen it on my face because she asked me what was wrong . I didn 't say anything other than I needed to smoke . I quickly went outside on the porch and lit up , pulling my phone out as I did so . Using my phone , I googled the signs that the little girl was giving me on the day of my Father - in - Law 's birthday . The first sign I researched was the one with the open palm and fist . Tears came to my eyes when I saw that it meant ' help ' . The second sign , the one with the curled fingers , made my heart sink when I saw the first result that came up after I searched it . As a writer , I have always struggled . But my wife had always been supportive . She constantly urged me on to keep at the craft , even on the days she wasn 't feeling well . But lately I have found it hard to concentrate . I can only stare blankly at word documents while the insertion cursor blinks idly . What 's worse , is my wife no longer offers her support . She simply sits at the kitchen table watching me with cold staring eyes while I sit at my computer desk . Sometimes she yells at me . She says things like ' fool ' and ' you 're nothing ' . I don 't understand it . She is so angry with me and I don 't know why . I have tried to ask her what I did to deserve her animosity . But when I ask , she just stares back with her angry and glossy eyes . Whenever I bring up the ' C ' word in occasional bursts of pent up frustration … god … it only gets worse . As you can imagine , bringing up that word sends my wife into a flurry of angry howling screams . Last night , marked the end of my very first week ( and last ) at my new job . It was supposed to be an easy job , and easy money . After all , what could be easier than a night shift at a junk yard ? I would be working security , patrolling the countless rows of rusted metal making sure no one was around looking for anything to salvage . Not that thieves were a huge problem . Most of the idiots who did take something would try to sell it back to us , or so I was told . No , the real worry was that teenage kids ; spurred on by some dare or misguided need to be accepted by their peers , would break into the junkyard and hurt themselves while fooling around . The first couple days were simple enough . I would fill out my nightly checklist , do a couple patrols and yes , run off a punk kid or two . But I have to say , it was pretty eerie walking down those long dark rows of rusted out mechanical hulks in the middle of the night . I was alone , but I always felt as if I was being watched . The mounds of metal seemed to be comprised of enormous beasts stacked on top of the other . The headlights of the cars ; like huge unblinking eyes , silently evaluating every move that I made . The loud creaks and groans of metal settling on metal only added to my paranoia . Despite how uneasy the junkyard made me I kept my cool . I 'm not one that scares easily , especially when there is nothing to be logically afraid of . Then came my third night . I was filling out my checklist at the start of my shift , when I heard a sound that I recognized as human speech coming from out in the junkyard . I walked out of the guard shack and began searching up and down the rows of stacked cars and trucks shining my beam up and down the aisles . My search came to an end when I reached the fourth aisle however , when I could see lights shining from the very end of the lot . With some trepidation I made my way toward the source of illumination . I gripped my flashlight ; my only means of protection , as tightly as I could with my sweaty palm as I walked . When I was nearly halfway there I realized the source of the light was coming from an old 1959 Coupe Deville . I recognized the car immediately , it was the very same make and model of car that my Grandfather gave to my Father as a gift just before he passed away . I couldn 't believe I had never noticed it before . My unease for the moment slightly abated by my curiosity , I increased my pace toward the glow of the headlights . Once I was nearly upon the old Coupe , the illuminating beams that cast their glow across the end of the lot went out . My eyes had to adjust to the sudden dark and I found myself a bit dazed as I listened for any trouble makers running about . I assumed ; as anyone would , that some prankster had found the car 's battery fully intact and began playing with the dials inside . But as I listened , my ears were met with only silence . After a minute or two of waiting , I decided that maybe the wires in the car were somehow malfunctioning and caused the headlights to come on and then back off . I began patrolling the rows of rust once again . The sound of voices had long since gone , but I hadn 't forgotten about them . I conducted a thorough search of the junkyard but never found anyone , and I figured they had run off . The next night before I clocked in " Are you messing with me or something ? We strip out all the batteries in the cars that come in , it 's one of the first things we do . " I laughed at that , but his expression became stern . " I knew you were playing with me boy , go bother someone else with your nonsense It 's been a long day ! " The guy then turned and stormed off in the other direction . I was confused and thought that there had to be some misunderstanding . So when I went inside the guard shack to clock in I asked my supervisor . He confirmed that indeed , pulling out car batteries to resell was done almost immediately when the cars arrived . I didn 't know what to think , but I decided to check for myself that night after everyone had left . I thought maybe someone had forgotten to yank the battery from the old Coupe . So that night , a little after five o ' clock , I held off on my check list and decided to get my rounds done before anything else . As the orange sun began to sink into the horizon basking the junkyard in a soft blue light , I made my way over to the 59 ' Coupe . The faded pink of its paint almost glowed in the now low - light of the evening . I knew from my previous experience with this type of car that the hood release rested in the grill . I quickly found and pulled the lever , a loud * Thunk * told me that the latch released and I lifted the hood . Empty . Not one single thing was left in the front end of that vehicle . The gravity of what this revelation meant settled in my stomach like a brick . What the hell was going on ? Was I just crazy ? I shut the hood of the car and walked away from that old boat quickly . I decided that for the remainder of the night I would stay in my guard shack until my shift was over . I sat down in my chair and cracked open the book I always brought with me and began reading . As far as I was concerned , if anyone broke into the junkyard they could have their run of the place . Job be damned . It was a quarter passed nine , and I had long abandoned getting any reading done . It started raining sometime around eight , and the light drizzle on the tin roof of my guard shack was putting me to sleep . There was another sound just under the rain though . A sound I thought was familiar . But it was so quiet that I barely could barely make it out . I started to wake up a bit as I strained my ears hard to listen past the water on metal sound above , and then I stood abruptly from my chair with such force that it toppled to the floor behind me . The sound under the rain was indeed a sound I recognized . It was the song ' Sleep Walk ' by Santo and Johnny . The sound of sliding guitar strings grew louder and penetrated the small space of the guard shack . I grabbed my flashlight , and headed out of the door into the rain . Shutting the door behind me it was clear that the song was coming from the end of the lot , in the same direction of the 95 ' Coupe Deville . When I looked in that direction , I could once again make out two beams of light shining out into the darkness . With great disdain I made my way over to the end of the lot where the Coupe sat , the beam of my flashlight giving my trembling hand away as its beam shook in tandem . When I reached the Coupe however , I found that the song wasn 't coming from that old boat . Instead , the sound was coming from and old Bonneville that sat beside it . I shined the beam of my flashlight into the back seat of the Bonneville and there sat an old A . M . radio along with a speaker that I assumed was recently pulled from the car . The sound of that haunting song rang out from that speaker , and on closer inspection I saw that there were no wires plugged into either the speaker or the old radio . I began to back away slowly , my mind now entering a state of surreal numbness . It was then that the darkness of the entire lot was illuminated as every headlight that was still attached to their respective cars flickered to life . I was blinded , and had to cover my eyes with the arm that wasn 't holding my flashlight . In my temporary blindness with only my sense of sound to aid me I backed farther away in the opposite direction of the sound of sliding guitars coming from the Bonneville . Then all at once , my ears were assaulted by the sound of hundreds of engines that all spurring to life at once . That music by Santo and Johnny drowned out by the deafening roar of autonomous voices . I put down my arm trying to see through the blinding lights and what I saw when I did is still burned into my brain . Behind the wheel of the pink Coupe , behind the Bonneville , behind every car that stood in that lot were the shadows of indistinguishable drivers . I yelled out then . " What 's going on ? ! " It was a silly question , more of a statement to myself as I knew I would receive no answer . I stared hard into the coupe and tried to make out the features of the driver . Though the driver was completely shrouded in darkness I could still make out the shape of a fedora , but that was it . The sound of engines grew loud and threatening then , and I turned and ran . I ran passed the faceless gaze of every shadow , looking right and left making sure none of them left their vehicles . None of them did . As my feet slapped against the pavement of the car lot the sound of the revving hulks of steel and aluminum grew even more in intensity and within the roar I could hear another sound formed by the union of all the engines resounding at once , a sound that formed one single metallic voice that soon rose above the din . And the voice screamed ' Leave us be ! ' You see ; after calling my Dad and asking him about his old Coupe , he told me that when it was totaled in an accident a few years back he did indeed give it up to that junkyard . So not only was the pink boat in that junkyard the same TYPE of car from my childhood , it was the same car altogether . And the shadowy figure behind the wheel of the old Coupe last night ? Well , I think you can probably guess my grandfather always wore a black fedora . Hell , he was buried in that silly hat . Now what gets me is I have heard of spirits being attached to things they loved when they were alive . In my grandfather 's case , that 's disturbing enough . But the rest of those people in those vehicles … oh god . Though I could not make out distinct features of their faces but I could see what were clear gashes in their shadowy bodies . I saw broken necks hanging loosely to one side , I saw arms crumpled and disfigured beyond recognition . I even saw what must have been the small figures of children in some of the back seats .

Tagsblogging , original , stories , Wordpress , writing When I learned that Lainie had got the job at Jensen 's Hardware , part of me was happy and part of me was sad . I 'd really wanted that job . I left my house that day , and ran into Kate . Well , I didn 't run into to her literally , of course . I knew that she 'd be at Mayer 's after lunch . Her shift usually ran either eight o ' clock in the morning to four in the afternoon or noon to eight at night . She was there and she siddled up to me and winked . I winked back . We had a good friendship I thought . And she was one of the few kids in school who had never made fun of me . God knows , there were enough of them that did . " Sure , right away . " She walked towards the back and I watched her . I was half torn between my love for Lainie and a strong attraction to Kate . The girls were so different , I decided I was just weird to find them both attractive . It didn 't occur to me that maybe my thoughts were normal for a guy my age . I was used to finding fault with myself , mostly because of the dyslexia and the teasing I 'd got all through school . " Well , good for her ! Give her something for herself , instead of looking after her old man all the time . " As she spoke , Kate lowered her voice and tossed her head towards the back of the restaurant . I saw why as soon as I checked out the room . Lainie 's dad was at a booth with three of his cronies . Mrs . Mayer smiled at me . She said , " I 'm glad to hear that . Her and I have had some bad luck at that game . Too bad I missed that . I was working that night . " She took her leave then , and I finished my meal . I was happy . This was just what I needed . Now both Lainie and I had jobs , and maybe the three of us would make it to that party on Friday night . I worked , then for a couple of days and then it was Friday . Kate picked up Lainie and I in her new car . It was an older model , but nice to look at . It was red , and as she drove us to the party , Kate said she 'd mostly chosen the car because of the color , although her dad had also given her the go ahead when he checked out the mechanics . " Thanks , Martin , but we all know you just want to drink more than us , " said Kate . She grinned so I didn 't feel bad about what she said . Besides , to tell the truth she was right . We were all old enough to drink in our state , and I didn 't mind knocking back a few . I knew that Lainie would have one can at most , while Kate could drink me under the table if she was encouraged . Joking and chatting , we made our way down the path to the lake . There were about thirty people there already . There were quite a few people gathered around a campfire and some of them were toasting marshmallows or roasting wieners . Kate excused herself and went off to talk to some of the other girls , while Lainie and I found a seat on a fallen log just out of the way of the fire and its smoke . I opened the case of beer and handed her one , taking one for myself . We each took a sip and smiled at each other . She congratulated me on the new job and I asked her how the work at Jensen 's was going . Her eyes sparkled , as she said , " Oh , Martin ! It 's the best thing to happen to me ever . I love working there . I just wish my dad was pleased . Seems like nothing I do ever makes him proud of me though . " I landed on my butt , and there was laughter . I turned to look as I got up , and saw Jordan , Jeff and Mark . All three were laughing . I got to my feet , minus the beer and swung at Jeff . Jeff dodged me , stepping back , and I swung at air . Jordan said , " C ' mon guys , let 's go find somebody else to pick on . He 's already lost the beer . " " No way . I think Martin wants to fight . Do you wanna fight , Martin ? " This from Jeff . He loomed over me , a good six inches taller than me . I swung at his chin . I missed . Jeff swung his arm and it connected with my shoulder . Then he pummeled my chest and then my stomach . I dropped to one knee . That 's what we did . Lainie and Kate were both shaken up by what had happened , but not me . This was something that had happened to me before , always those three guys , although sometimes there were others . School had been miserable for me because of it . I don 't know why , but both girls burst into giggles at that . Then I saw the time and I told them I better get going . We said our good byes , and I walked Lainie home and went home myself . I was depressed for part of the walk , after I saw Lainie to her door . I mulled over the beating I 'd got and wondered for the thousandth time just why it was I seemed so likely to attract the bullies in life . Then I started to think about my job at Mayer 's . That was a good thought . It made me smile , and by the time I reached my house I was grinning . Mom and dad were still up , watching a horror movie . I joined them for a while , and then went to bed . As I fell asleep , I wondered if Lainie 's dad had given her any trouble when she got home . Maybe I should have stayed around for a bit . Little did I know what was brewing at her place . Well , Martin was the main speaker this week . I wonder what 's going on at Lainie 's ? I don 't trust that dad of hers at all . It is a very good thing I read this chapter over before I posted . I had some names all confused and that would have been even more confusing to you , the Reader . All fixed , though - I think . Tagscharacters , creative writing , stories , writing I dropped Lainie off at her dad 's but I sure was sorry to have to do it . I had my suspicions all along that she might not last out at my place , working for me , but I hoped she would settle in . At least then she 'd be away from her dad . I knew the man wasn 't all there in some ways . He hadn 't been right since he came back off active duty . PTSD or something I think . It didn 't take him long to start in on the booze . After his wife died , there was only Lainie to take care of him . I think he resented it . That he needed to be taken care of . It can be hard for a proud man to need help from anyone . And his daughter - what made it worse was that Harry told me a long time ago that he didn 't believe Lainie was his . I nodded and we finished our beers . Harry called for more , and we spent the rest of that night in the bar drinking and commiserating with each other . I was a good twenty years younger than Harry . I 'd met him when I started to go into the bar when I turned twenty one . He was sort of a father figure I suppose . My own dad walked out one night when I was eight years old , to get cigarettes . He never came back . Mom refused to talk about him when he was gone . I grew up thinking I 'd done something to make my dad leave me and Mom . " Some men just can 't take responsibility , Bert . Some men have to walk away . Me , I never did , even when I thought my kid wasn 't mine . I stayed . Watched Jenna die . Hated that . " Harry stopped going to the bars soon after that . He 'd got mugged walking home one night and that sort of scared him , I think . Me , I wasn 't much of a drinker anyways , and one DWI was enough . I got off with a fine that I really couldn 't afford , and a tow fee for my old truck . Learned my lesson . When Lainie stopped me on the street outside Mayer 's one day , and asked if I had need of a housekeeper , I said , " Sure do . " It was more because I felt sorry for the kid , than requiring help . She was all ready three days later , when I pulled up at their house , and Harry opened the door . He nodded to me and said , " She won 't last . Too incompetent . Too childish . " I ignored what he said , and turned to Lainie who stood with her head down , and her face hidden . I wondered if she were trying not to cry . Poor kid . " Let 's get the truck loaded with your things , Lainie , " I said , picking up her backpack and her old brown suitcase . She had a big paper bag too , which she carried out to the truck . Harry followed us , and he said a gruff , " Good bye . I bet I see you within days , girl . " Lainie 's shoulders drooped . I said to her , " Lainie , hop in . We 'll stop at the food store for some supplies before I take you home . " I drove down the street and turned onto Main . The Red and White foodstore was crowded with shoppers . They were offering a big sale for the fourth of July celebrations that were coming in a couple of days . I let Lainie shop mostly . She seemed to know what foods we 'd need . She chattered away to me , and I noticed how she was different when her dad wasn 't around . We headed back to my place , then , and hauled the stuff into the cabin . She carried her fair share , and I was surprised to see how strong the kid was . She was so thin and waif like . It took three tries to write this chapter . Everything I wrote before was too predictable and not in the least interesting . I decided to go back and explore the other characters a little - Bert and Lainie 's father , Harry . I have dyslexia , so it 's a challenge to read most of the time . I got the message , though . They wanted to hire somebody . Maybe that somebody could be me . I straightened my leather jacket and entered the store . Mrs . Jensen knows me from church . I go there with my parents , even though I resent it . I figure I 'm too old to be seen with them . I 'm nearly eighteen . " I could . Would it be okay if I take it home and bring it back later ? " I asked because my mom would help me fill out the form . Like I said , I 've got dyslexia . " Sure , Martin . " Mrs . Jensen reached in below the cash register and brought out a sheet of paper . I took it from her and promised I 'd bring it back soon . By this time , we had got to the coffee shop , and I said goodbye to Kate . She went into the building and I walked home . The leaves were crunchy beneath my feet . I liked the noise . Probably off to play whist , I thought . She and dad retired a couple of years ago . Did I mention that I am a late baby ? My mom and dad were both over forty when I was born . They 've always seemed old to me . I knew mom would help me fill out the application . I needed a job . Not because I needed money . Dad made sure I received a generous allowance every week . I wanted to work because I wanted to feel normal . Other kids I knew had jobs , why not me ? I was going off to college next year , and I wanted some work experience of some sort to add to my college applications . I already volunteered to help special needs kids through our church . If this job panned out , I 'd be all set , I thought . My room was my sanctuary . Mom and dad trusted me to clean it when required , and neither of my parents ever went in there . It was my place . I switched on my radio and listened to the news and then some music . I was really too excited over the possibility of getting this job . I wasn 't sure why . I must be an idiot to be this worked up . Anyone my age already had worked a couple of different places . I was the only one I knew who hadn 't . Maybe I had a right to be excited then . Most of the kids at school thought we had something going on , but we didn 't . I wouldn 't mind though . I had hopes that something would bring us closer together . We met in third grade , when I moved here , and we 'd bonded over a stray kitten we found walking home from school . Lainie had taken it in , and I knew she 'd taken some comfort in doing that . After her mom died , she had only the cat . Her dad did nothing but yell at her , it seemed to me . I avoided going over there unless there was no choice . Most times I 'd come to the door , and we 'd leave right away . We 'd go out to Mayer 's and have coffee or a soda and talk for hours . We were lucky that the owners didn 't mind us staying so long . They were an older couple , who loved their work . I put down my phone and sighed . No way was I going to try and take that job now . I supposed I 'd have to go out tomorrow and start at one end of Main Street to the other , asking at every shop if they needed help . Might come up with something . I took a shower and changed . Mom was home by the time I went downstairs . She greeted me and told me she 'd won at whist . She was beaming . I knew she wasn 't that good a player and she usually lost , so I gave her a hug and congratulated her . " Mom , I need your help to fill out an application for a job at the hardware store . Can you help me with it ? Not tonight , though . I gotta meet Lainie . " Mom told me that was fine and then Dad came home . Before I left , he offered to help Mom make dinner . He was a bit miffed that I wasn 't going to be there for dinner . He likes our " family time " , he calls it . I left the house . I got to Lainie 's and rang the bell . Her Dad answered the door , and glared at me . He 'd once accused me of laziness and being " spoilt " , which in some ways I knew was justified . Still , there was no need to be rude about it . I didn 't tell him so , though . I wanted to stay friends with Lainie . Lainie came out of the house and we walked along the street . She stooped and picked up some dried leaves and tossed them at me . The rest of the way to Main Street , we took turns throwing leaves at each other . Then we got to Mayer 's . There was only one table left , off in a corner near the kitchen door . We didn 't mind . We sat down and Kate took our order . She grinned at the two of us , but kept her distance . The Mayer 's don 't allow their staff to gab with the customers . Lainie 's dad walked in . He strode over to our little table and pulled a chair around from the next table . He sat down and glared at me . " Well , don 't keep my girl out to late , eh ? She 's got housework to do tomorrow . Hasn 't done the laundry all week . Lazy . " Lainie was quiet . She stared at her coffee mug . I reached over and put my hand under her chin , so that she was forced to look at me . Tagscreative writing , original , writing It wasn 't as dark as it could have been . It wasn 't as cold as it could have been . It was late November and in this part of the country that meant snowfall at anytime . I pulled my thin wool jacket tighter around me , and continued to walk towards the cabin . I was afraid to go back . I was afraid to leave . The wind had picked up and I felt it blow through my hair , left long and loose , partly because I avoided going to the lone hair stylist in Coric Springs . It shuffled the small scrub trees back and forth and leaves fell to the ground . I stopped and picked one up . It was gold and red with a last bit of green at one edge . The trees were losing leaves and I was fast losing my resolve . I walked up the steps and opened the slatted wood door . Light flowed out into the dusk . He sat at the wood table , chair pulled up close . He whittled a piece of wood . It would be some sort of bird , I thought . He always made birds . His head came up as I entered the room . The light from the lamp behind him shone on his long tousled hair . He grinned . His beard , long , matted and shaggy , shook as he laughed . " Ha ! I knew you 'd be back quick . Too cold out there this time of night . Only the foxes and the wolves like it . Skunks too I guess . " " Okay , I 'll tell your pop that you just ain 't cut out for backwoods living . Go upstairs and gather your stuff . I 'll drive you home . " I followed his instructions . I had little to pack . My tattered copy of Moby Dick , a Bible that had been my Mother 's , and a few clothes , jeans and sweaters and tops . I struggled to carry my tote and my backpack . I reached the bottom of the staircase , and he took both away from me and strode to the door . He grabbed his red and black plaid jacket from a hook on the wall . He opened the door and went out . I followed him . His words rang in my ears . " No matter what I do for you , you fail . You 're a loser . I 'm ashamed to call you my daughter . What would your mother say ? She 'd be ashamed of you . You have no future . You 'll be a loser all your life . " " Not this time , " I thought . " I won 't let him say it . " But how to stop him from the verbal tirade ? My shoulders hunched and I pulled my jacket close . It was warm in the truck . Bert had turned on the heat , for which I was grateful . I told him so . " Well , we can 't have a lady gettin ' cold , can we ? " He grinned at me . At least he had no hard feelings about my leaving . He 'd hired me to stay with him and do the cooking and the cleaning , milk the cows and gather eggs , and be company for him on long winter nights . I couldn 't stand the isolation . I was a town girl . " No way . No lady 's doing that on my watch . " Bert pushed open his door and got out . He took my things out of the truck bed and walked with me to the house . He set the bags down , as I knocked on the door . He didn 't ask why I felt the need to knock . The door opened . My dad stood there , a beer in his right hand and the TV remote in his left . His balding head sprouted a few stubborn grey hairs that indicated he hadn 't seen a barber in a while . I thought the comparison between his hair and mine almost funny . But it wasn 't . Not really . It meant that neither of us were making an effort to maintain ourselves . We both missed Mom in our own ways , I guess . " I gotta get back , " he said to Pop . He nodded at me and left the house . Pop slammed the door shut almost before I was able to step inside . " You are a disgrace , " he said . He made his way back to his faded blue recliner and plopped down in it . He set his beer beside him on the end table . He glared at me . " Well , your room 's still there . Might as well go up . Just leave me alone tonight , eh ? I have to decide what I 'm gonna do about you . " I took my backpack and put it over my shoulders , and picked up the bag . I said good night to my Pop before I made my way up the stairs . My old room hadn 't changed . I didn 't cry . That 's one thing I am proud about . Instead , I got up and unpacked my books and my clothes . I went to the bathroom and put away my face cleanser and my toothbrush . Pop had his bathroom in the master suite , so this one , opening into the hall was , in essence , mine . He still looked in though , once in a while , to check if the room was clean . He left it to me to look after that and I would be in trouble if there was even a hair in the sink . Morning came , and I woke to sunshine streaming through my window . I loved the east facing room . I had a shower and dressed in a pair of leggings and a denim tunic top . I went downstairs to the kitchen . Pop sat at the table , drinking coffee from his double sized mug . Mom bought it for him for Christmas , a year or so before she got sick . " I 'm headin ' down to Mayer 's for coffee with the guys . " He left the room , my voice trailing after him , as I said , " Okay , Pop . See you later . " I heard the front door slam . I felt my muscles relax . I hadn 't realized how tensed up I was until that happened . If only I could have been content staying at Bert 's . But that was not a job for someone young like me . No , I could do better . At least Pop hadn 't called me out for failing yet again . I knew it would come though . If not today , then tonight or tomorrow . There was no telling with Pop when the bad mood would hit . The sun had disappeared behind a cloud , by the time I headed out for the hardware store . It was a nice walk despite the threat of rain . I loved the smell of the leaves as they fell from the trees , and the crunch of dry leaves under my feet as I walked . Old Mr . Allport was raking when I passed his house , and he waved a hand at me . " Thank you for your help , Lainie . I couldn 't seem to get it through those boys ' heads what they needed . Guess they thought I was some dumb old woman . " " Look , Lainie . I 'll be honest with you . Turning up here to apply for a job dressed like that , " and she pointed at my leggings and then my hair , " won 't cut it . Now , if you were to dress in a nice pair of denims and a nice blouse and braid your hair , or even have it trimmed , I 'd consider your application . I don 't mean to be harsh with you . I know it 's been hard since your mom passed , but really , Lainie , you need to grow up . " Kate turned and continued down the street . I watched her for a minute , and wondered why a promotion at Mayer 's didn 't excite me very much . I thought I was a proud and picky person to not share in Kate 's excitement . Now had she been promoted to manager , I supposed I should be impressed . But shift manager ? " I will , right away . " I got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen . Good thing mom had taught me how to cook , because Pop had no idea . This is Chapter 1 of a story . I plan to add Chapters as I go along . Let 's see where the story takes us , shall we ? TagsCamp , Camp NaNoWriMo , creative , goal setting , goals , nanowrimo , writing Camp NaNoWriMo starts in just four days ! I am going to try and meet my goals this time . While I 've had success doing November 's NaNo every year beginning in 2012 , I have failed miserably at meeting any goals I 've set for Camp . Camp is free , as are all the other Camps and November 's NaNoWriMo . Strictly run on donations . If you sign up , look for the Forum and also the option to join a cabin of fellow writers . Additionally , there are some nice products available for sale . The money supports NaNo . You see , we have moved into a third floor condo apartment and there is a fourth floor . Now , while Mr . and Mrs . Heavyfoot are really not that bad , there are times when their walking activities can be heard in this apartment . So … . I will either kill them or make them suffer in some way . For instance , I have gained weight lately . So … my almost - sort of - resolution is to exercise daily once we 've got moved to the new place . I will fulfill my resolution . How do I know that ? Because there are so many good and sensible reasons to do so ! I believe that instead of writing out one or more resolutions for the new year , it is better to think of all the reasons why a resolution should become a reality . Another resolution is to write everyday . Now , that 's an easier one to fulfill . If I write to one of my epals , that is writing . If I edit at DMOZ . org , that is writing . If I jot down a story idea , that is writing . So … . it 's an easier one to keep . There is the novel from November to edit , and the short story collection to work on too . Since I plan to publish both this year , I had better get to it ! It isn 't always easy finding the time or the incentive to write . I 've had several interruptions when I 've had to leave my house , as it is still being shown by realtors . There is one " deal " in process , but it ends late Thursday the 17th if they don 't have financing in place by then . I 've also killed off two people already . Not my main character , though . I think I am going to send her to prison for a while . We had to vacate the house this morning for what was supposed to be " about three hours " which turned into three hours and about forty - five minutes . House inspector to blame . We are selling , and the prospective buyers hired him , probably recommended by their realtor . We haven 't heard anything on how the inspection went , but will likely hear something by Monday . That 's when the deal is to be decided . Hate waiting ! Too tired to write more tonight I think , although that would get my mind off the wondering … . I reached a word count of 14 , 566 today for NaNoWriMo . It was more challenging today . I started to think about my main character 's childhood and some things that might have set her on the path she has chosen in adulthood . I started her story earlier , with a few memories of when she was a little girl . It went well , once I started on that . There are caveats about not going into too deep a prologue to a novel . I am ignoring that rule for NaNoWriMo . Besides , I am getting to know my character a little better as I write . I have found out that she is not as close to her Dad as I thought , and she has always been rather mean to others . Blogs I FollowNiels SaundersCharlie Saysroads bel travelledMaxxesbooktopia MovieBabbleOlive + ClokeithgarrettpoetryWatching the DaisiesLilian CassCallum B . Downesunbolt meputtingthedogtosleeptonysbologna : Honest . Satirical . Observations . A Writer 's PathRachel Being ChattyBlissful ScribbleskimberleycooperblogSin DollarThe Folklore Food Blog TheFeatheredSleepFollow Blog via Email Niels SaundersAuthorCharlie Saysroads bel travelledExploring open roads without breaking the bankMaxxesbooktopia A place where books and imaginations spring into life MovieBabbleThe Casual Way to Discuss MoviesOlive + ClokeithgarrettpoetrySmile ! You 're at the best WordPress . com site everWatching the DaisiesLife Lessons on the Importance of SlowLilian CassNew Adventures in WritingCallum B . Downesunbolt methe literary asylumputtingthedogtosleeptonysbologna : Honest . Satirical . Observations . Honest . Satirical . Observations . A Writer 's PathSharing writing tips , information , and advice . Rachel Being ChattyNow featuring 15 % more sarcasm . Blissful ScribblesMusings through the journey of writing my first novelkimberleycooperblogWriting scifi , urban fantasy and paranormal romance . Oh , and colouring . . . Sin DollarThe value of greed is pricelessThe Folklore Food Blog Where Folklore and the Culinary Arts Meet . TheFeatheredSleepTigers not daughters Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

To what ? JAZZERCISE ! ! That 's right . I am addicted to it . I love it and kind of can 't live without it . A good friend of mine and former Visiting Teacher teaches the class . She is working on becoming a certified instructor of the " Jazz " ( say that in a French accent , it 's more fun ) . She has been kind enough to teach us at the church for free until she has a place to teach . It is a killer workout ( I sound so sporty , don 't I ? ) and you sweat a ton ! It 's works pretty much every muscle I have , even ones I didn 't know I had . We don 't Jazzercise to any 80s songs ( yet , I will have to discuss doing " Physical " by Olivia Newton John with Allison soon ) , it 's mostly today 's " hottest hits , " and it is so much fun . I have gone when I have been tired and cold . I have gone with a stomach bug and other illnesses . I can 't seem to keep myself from doing it . I go every time Allison has it . It makes me happy and I have lost 9lbs . just by doing it . I stand up straighter with good posture and I have gained so much muscle . The best part about all of this is that BFF Janelle is just as obsessed as I am ! ! She is really good at it too . I have no coordination , so I have had to work very hard to get the routines down . But Janelle just picks it up so naturally , I 'm kind of jealous . I have decided that once Allison is certified and has a place to teach that I will continue to take classes . I don 't know if I could function without it , haha . Maybe , just maybe , if I get really good , one day I will teach . It actually sounds like an achievable goal . However , I will have to fake peppy , that obviously isn 't me , haha . As I come to the close of this blog post confession , I would like to leave you with this little gem that my good friend Logan found for me : I recently went through my third miscarriage in a row . While I have many factors that could cause a miscarriage ( Factor V Leiden , Rh Negative , Hypothyroidism ) , the Dr . hasn 't been able to pinpoint exactly what caused the miscarriage . I am still waiting on some test results . The day after I started to miscarry BFFs , Kari and Janelle showed up at my house with flowers and pizza to cheer me up . Then we just hung out and they lifted my spirits ( in so many ways ! ;) ) . Because I am Rh Negative I had to get a Rhogam shot . I was still bleeding , so they wanted me to get it the same day they drew my blood . The lab was going to be closed by the time my shot would be ready so they wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery to get it . Yeah , I know , cruel . I called BFF Kari to come and take me ( we tried BFF Janelle , but she was unavailable at the time ) . I was doing okay . I went to the front desk and explained that I was there for my shot . The nurse was a little confused so I explained that I was told to go there since the lab was closed and that they said I needed to get the shot right away . She started filling out some forms and making calls . They were trying to figure out where to put me . Then she asked when my due date was . I said that I was miscarrying . I didn 't have a due date anymore . She suddenly changed her demeanor . She was really nice . I turned away to try and compose myself , but it didn 't work . I just started crying . She apologized to me . She thought she had made it worse . I assured her she was doing nothing wrong . Then they decided to put me in a delivery room . It was so hard . I had all five babies at this hospital . The room was all too familiar . I looked around . I looked at where the place the baby as soon as it is born . It was so hard . I just started crying . I couldn 't handle all of this . I didn 't want to associate this room with a bad memory . Kari hugged me and we just cried . I had to wait a total of an hour for my shot . I wanted to get this whole thing over with so quickly . Finally I received my shot and was allowed to leave . Kari bought me some ice cream and I headed home . This little guy shows up and smiles at me and comforts me . He always seems to know , even when I am not crying . He just knows how to cheer me up . If he is my last , I will be happy to cherish every moment of his young life , along with my other kids . I love all of my children and I am so grateful to have given birth to such wonderful , beautiful , responsible and happy children . Since I have moved to this house that we currently live in , I have been blessed to have not only wonderful ward members and neighbors , but I have been blessed with wonderful friends . I never thought I could find such great people that I could have so much fun with and feel so comfortable with . They have lifted me up at times when I thought it would be impossible . They give me hugs against my will . I know I say a lot about these two , but I just feel so blessed everyday to have them in my life . Thank you Kari and Janelle ! ! I love you guys ! ! Even though I have faced many difficult trials in my life , the Lord has always been mindful of me and has blessed me in many ways . I love my family , my friends , my church and my life . I am thankful . I drove home in a fog . It was about 4 : 15am and I was exhausted . I was in such shock . I was replaying the events of the day in my head . It was unreal . I came home and couldn 't seem to unlock my own door . Christian had been sleeping downstairs , waiting for me and opened it for me . I replayed the events and my shock to him . We just talked for a little while . I walked up to my room , my mom had picked it up for me and gotten my bed ready for me . I climbed into bed and tried to sleep . I couldn 't turn off the light . I didn 't want the reality of me being alone while Mark almost dying to be real . I prayed and heartily thanked my Heavenly Father for allowing so many to help and save Mark 's life . I also thanked him for his love and comfort as well as all of the prayers and love I had received from others that day . I finally fell to sleep at about 6 : 15 . About 7 : 30am , my mom came in to talk to me . I told her everything . I started crying so hard . She came and held me while we cried together . " Oh honey ! I wish you didn 't have to go through all this . I have never had to experience this sort of thing at such a young age and with little kids all around . I am so sorry . I would go through everything with your father again if it meant you didn 't have to go through this . " It felt so nice to have my mom there , to cry together . I felt so much love and validation from her in that moment , it was the best feeling I had had in a while . The kids started to wake up and I decided to let the boys stay home from school again with all that was still up in the air . Suddenly the phone rang , it was Dr . Mitchell . He said that they had just brought Mark our of anesthesia and that he was responsive . He needed me to get there quickly . I threw on some clothes and headed out the door . The drive to the hospital seemed like an eternity . I couldn 't get there fast enough . Clocks by Coldplay was playing on my stereo , it was a good fast driving song . As soon as I parked I started to speed walk as fast as I could . It just wasn 't fast enough . I started wondering if it would be wrong to run in a hospital . I finally got to his room . I got right up next to him and I could tell right away that he recognized me . It was such a relief . I felt so relieved . Dr . Mitchell came in to talk to me and Mark . He asked Mark if he remembered anything from last night . Mark responded , " I remember I thought I was dying . I was so scared . I remember seeing my mom . " Dr . Mitchell put his hand on Mark 's shoulder . " Yeah , " he said with a pained sympathetic look . " You were in a pretty bad state last night . " The rest of the day was filled with Mark 's siblings visiting . Mark received a blessing of healing and comfort from his brother Brian and brother in law Mark . I felt so bad for Mark . He was in so much pain . He had four chest tubes in ( 2 on either lung and 2 on either side of his heart ) . He was on morphine , percocet and a super anti - inflammatory , but the chest tubes rubbing on his lungs was excruciating . He was in and out of consciousness , but only conscious because his pain was so much . He had many kind nurses . I sat and talked with one and she said that she had heard about me . She said that all the nurses were amazed by how calm I was during the night before . I figured out why they were whispering about me that night . : ) This picture was taken about 3 or 4 days after surgeries . Normally , things don 't look so gruesome , but they ripped the tape off to do the second surgery and it ripped his skin off along with it . The middle bandage is where is heart tubes were , they had just taken them out . A couple of days in the ICU and Mark was ready to go to the cardiac floor of the hospital . By this time Mark was going on 2 - 3 assisted walks during the day . They had him standing his first day in the ICU . It was so difficult and painful for him , but he pushed through . The cardiac rehab people would come in with a wheel chair , the would put the containers with his chest tubes in the wheel chair and they would slowly walk around the hospital . It was so important for him to get all the fluid out and walking was one of the ways that would happen . Another way he could get the fluid out was by coughing . He had a heart shaped pillow that he would hug every time he would cough or sneeze . He hated it , but he had to do it in order to get his chest tubes out . These are what the chest tubes drained into . They would measure how much Mark was putting out every two hours . Believe it or not , he filled these up and had filled up part of another two . I do have a picture of the nurses pulling these suckers out , but I will spare you . The nurse is showing how much of the tube was inside Mark . It was about 10 in . Most of the time Mark had these in they had to " strip " them . They grab the top ( closest to his chest ) with one hand and squeeze , then with the other hand they would squeeze while sliding their fingers down to remove any clots that might block up the tubes . There were a lot of ups and downs in the hospital , but after over a week in there he was able to go home . He was so glad to finally be home . He missed the kids and the outside air . He felt like he was going crazy in the hospital , so they let him leave a couple of days early . He was on oxygen for all but a couple of days while he was there . This was after his chest tubes were taken out . It hurt to get them out , but he was feeling much better , enough to even give me a smile . Mark has had atrial fibrillation a lot since he has been home . They are still trying to regulate it with medication . He struggles from time to time with pain in his chest from certain physical activities , but over all , he is a miracle . He returned to work after about 6 weeks at home . He graduated from cardiac rehab early . Life seems just a little more normal . We still have to go in to see the surgeon to get his INR ( coumadin , blood thinner ) level checked to prevent blood clots with the mechanical valve . Mark said the surgeon talked about me last time . He said that I was so amazingly calm when Mark was basically dying . He said that he was amazed because no one is ever so calm when those things happen . I suppose that 's why they never asked me to leave the room and I got to stay there the whole time until he was taken to surgery . It made me feel good to know that I did the right thing and that I wasn 't just in the background . I am so grateful for the many , many meals that were brought to my family , even when I wasn 't home to feed the . I am grateful for all of the love and support of all my friends , family and strangers . I am thankful for the many people who babysat my kids or offered to babysit them . I am thankful for the people who came and helped me clean my house when I wasn 't home enough to do it . I am thankful for two of the best friends anyone could ever have asked for , Kari and Janelle who put up with my kids , my tears and my psychosis . They knew that Mark wasn 't the only one who needed visitors at the hospital and visited me . They kept me fed . They kidnapped me regularly to help me stay sane . They cleaned my house more than once . They made me feel normal . I hope everyone can find a couple of friends that they can feel so close to . Last , but not least , I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who took care of Mark , me and my family . He was always there , no matter how alone I felt . It was explained to me that I would go to the same waiting area I was in before . This time I would not have a liaison since it was after hours . They assured me that they would send out a nurse periodically to let me know how everything was going . I headed down to the surgical waiting area . I was well acquainted with it . I just stood there in the doorway and stared . I saw a woman there . It was about 9 : 30pm , so I politely asked her what brought her there . She told me that her husband had broken his thigh bone that day so they were putting a rod in . She asked me why I was there . I said , " Oh , my husband is having open heart surgery . . . again . . . today . " She said she was sorry and asked his age . " 36 . " " Oh wow ! " she said . It was at that moment that I realized the seriousness of what had just happened and what was currently happening . I felt as though all the angels that were keeping me afloat in the ICU had followed Mark . I felt like collapsing . I went and sat down and decided I needed to tell someone . I called my mom and explained what I could in that state . She realized it was serious and said that they were going to go and have family prayer . Then I called Mark 's sister , Jeanette . I was crying at this point . I explained to her what I could and she suddenly interrupted me , " Do you want me to come over there ? " I knew I needed to call Kari . I didn 't want her to feel like she had to be there ( even though that 's what I really wanted ) . I called her . " Kari ? " " You don 't have to . You need to be with your family . You 've been gone all day . " " Danielle , they 're fine . I 'm coming right now . " Jeanette arrived and I explained things in better detail . She began calling Mark 's siblings to let them know what was going on . I posted a status on facebook so that I wouldn 't have to make a lot of phone calls . The next thing I knew , Kari was there . She was crying . " Danielle ! I knew I shouldn 't have left . I had a feeling that I should stay with you , but I ignored it ! I knew I shouldn 't have left you . I 'm so sorry . " Suddenly a male nurse came in and let us know that Mark was now on bypass . I knew again that this meant his heart was not beating for the second time in one day . It all still seemed surreal . Jeanette 's husband , Nate came for a little while when he got off of work . We all chatted for a little while . Time still seemed to drag . Once Nate left I started to feel very tired . I only slept 2 hours the night before . It was about midnight . I kept refreshing my facebook page thinking , somehow , that I would receive updates on Mark 's progress . I didn 't get any updates for a long time . As late as it was , so many people were commenting on my status . So many of them were saying that they weren 't going to sleep tonight until they knew everything would be okay . Others said that they were praying for us and thinking about us . I couldn 't believe the outpouring of support and love from so many people . My family members were all posting and asking for prayers on our behalf as well . I couldn 't believe the responses they were also receiving . It was amazing . It brought me such a peace and comfort . I knew so much that I wasn 't alone . People on earth and in heaven were helping us and supporting us in any way possible . Around 1am I started to feel a little drunk . Apparently , I started saying weird things and acting really weird . I remember Jeanette and Kari laughing at me a lot . I felt so weird and I thought I was doing a good job being normal . I remember worrying that the Dr . would come in to talk to me and think that I was too crazy and wouldn 't let me see Mark . I vaguely remember something about corn dogs with hot tamales in them and Kari pushing me down , trying to make me sleep . During this sleep deprivation psychosis , the nurse came back in to tell us that they were transitioning Mark off the bypass machine . I didn 't know how he was doing and the nurse didn 't tell me . A little while after that he came back to tell me that he was off of the bypass machine and his heart was beating again . I still did not know how he was doing . I remember talking to the nurse and him gradually getting closer to the exit . Kari said that I was yammering on about who knows what and the whole thing seemed very awkward to the poor nurse . I have no idea what I said , but he was nice enough to pretend like I wasn 't completely out of my mind . Around 2 : 30am Dr . Mitchell came out to tell me how everything went . I was on a second wind and felt quite alert and aware of things . I could tell his demeanor was so different compared to the first surgery . He looked so tired , but had a very serious face . He sat down with me to explain what happened : " Now , you know we intubated him . We thought that would help stabilize him , but it just wasn 't working . We had to work quickly to get him on bypass . Normally this takes an hour to an hour and a half . We had him on bypass within 22 minutes . We were really having to work fast to get him on it . Once we got him on bypass he got severe pulmonary edema . Now , the body had a lot of fluid and our lungs are like a couple of sponges and his lungs just soaked up all that fluid . What this means is that because of the pulmonary edema , we could not get enough oxygen to him the entire surgery . No matter what we did , he just couldn 't get enough . You know that we went ahead and replaced the valve . I had to use the largest size of valve and I probably could have gone larger , but they don 't make them any bigger . As soon as we got him off of the bypass machine his pulmonary edema went away and he had a good urine output , so that problem is gone . The problem now is that he went a long time without enough oxygen . This is very serious . We aren 't going to bring him out of anesthesia yet . We are going to let him sleep until about 8 or 9 in the morning . Then we will wake him up and start asking him questions like name , the year , who is the president . Things like that . I am going to need you there when he wakes up because we are going to need to know if he recognizes you . They are still getting him situated in the ICU . He 's been through a lot , so it 's going to be a little while still , but you can head on up to the waiting area up there . " Jeanette headed home and Kari and I headed upstairs to the ICU waiting area . I was so anxious to see Mark again . I knew he wouldn 't be conscious for a while , but I wanted to see with my own eyes that he was okay . There was a younger man sleeping on one of the couches in the waiting area . I wondered who he was there for . In places like this you realize so many people are dealing with scary situations and you get curious as to what their story is . Kari laid down on the couch and I sat anxiously , waiting for them to tell me I could see Mark . It was just after 3 : 20am . " Kari , maybe they just forgot that I am here . I 'm going to check if I can see him yet . " I headed down the hall and saw one of Mark 's nurses coming toward me . " I was just coming to get you , " she said with a smile . I got to Mark 's room and I felt so relieved to see him . I pulled up a chair and sat next to him . I held his hand and just looked at him . He looked terrible . He was so swollen that his eyelids couldn 't close . His hands were huge and he had more IVs than before . He was still on the respirator and would be until morning . I put my arm on the bed - rail and laid my head on it . I just held his hand and rubbed it . I still had a huge hurdle with the brain damage situation , but I was just happy to see that he was alive . As I sat there , I struggled in my mind with going home and cleaning up , perhaps getting a little sleep or just staying until they woke him up . I decided I really needed to rest a little bit and the ICU ( with its evil hard chairs ) was no place to do that . I kissed his hand and went to wake up Kari in the waiting room . The nurses started calling the pharmacy for more meds . They couldn 't seem to stabilize both his blood pressure and his heart rhythm . I could tell the surgeon was starting to worry . Suddenly Mark started throwing up and things started to get slightly more frantic . His blood pressure shot way up then dropped to that the top number was in the 50s and 40s . They started suctioning him out while still trying to find the right combination of meds to stabilize him . Then they put him on a BiPap machine to force air into his lungs . He started talking to me . " I 'm scared . I 'm scared . " " I know sweetheart . You 're okay . They are taking good care of you . " " I don 't want to die . " His eyes were open just little slits . " You 're going to be okay . " He was so scared it was just heart breaking . I couldn 't do anything . The surgeon got the ultrasound tech there to do an echo - cardiogram on the heart . The nurses kept asking me if I was okay . I would tell them I was fine . I felt very peaceful . I stood by Mark and held his hand . I continued to tell him everything was going to be just fine . They start the echo . I heard this strange noise coming from the ultrasound . I thought maybe Mark was coughing . I realize that it 's his heartbeat I 'm hearing . It has no rhythm and sounds like whooshing , slushing and gushing . I have never heard anything like it . The number of nurses is starting to increase . I see the worry on the surgeons face . He is on and off his phone . He is coming in and out of the room , shouting different meds . I hear him mentioning the OR . He brings another doctor in to look at the echo . They seem to be in agreement about something . SAM ? I don 't understand what they are talking about . I ask the nurse standing next to me , " What is SAM ? What are they talking about ? " " I really don 't know . This is beyond us here . You 'll have to wait until he can explain it to you . Are you doing okay ? " The surgeon is rubbing Mark 's shoulder asking him how he 's doing . He is such a kind sweet man . He has so much worry on his face , I feel bad for him . Then he approaches me quickly . " Oh ! He did ! " he shouts to the other doctor . " Dang it ! They thought it was A - Fib ( atrial fibrillation ) ! " He turns back to me , " He has what they call Systolic Anterior Motion or SAM . This is caused when a person has the extra tissue growth problem , remember when we talked about that ? " I nod . " Okay , well the combination of the Mitral Valve Prolapse with the extra tissue growth causes the flap of the mitral valve to be sucked into the aortic valve , blocking that valve . Now , he had this before , but it is rare and so easily confused with A - Fib we didn 't realize that 's what it was . But when we repaired the valve and tightened everything up it pretty much just made the SAM worse . " I nod , just trying to take this all in . He talks so fast . Everything is in such a rush but feels like slow motion . " I need you to come in close , " he says . He gets right up to Mark 's ear and I lean in close . " Mark ? " Mark nods . " You have something called SAM and it 's causing the flap of your mitral valve to be sucked into your aortic valve , blocking the valve . Do you understand me ? " Mark nods again . " Now , we have to get you into the OR right now . We 're going to have to go in and just replace the entire valve with a mechanical valve . We just can 't risk trying to repair it again . Do you understand ? " Mark nods . " I am so sorry you guys . " Dr . Mitchell feels so bad you can see it on his face . " We 're trying to get the OR prepped as fast as we can . I don 't know if you can tell , but his numbers are just not good . Let me show you what 's going on with his heart . " He walks me over to the echo . It is immediately obvious to me that this is not what a normal heart looks like . He explains the problem and I can clearly see what is happening . I start to feel a little scared , but I still felt calm and peaceful . It was as though everything around me was moving so quickly , but I was floating there , just watching it all unfold . I felt this incredible trust in these doctors and nurses . They were so serious , but I trusted them with everything I had . I walk over to Mark and hold his hand . " Mark ? Do you remember what Dr . Mitchell said ? " He nods . " Are you okay ? " I felt such a spiritual presence around us . It was so strong . " I 'm scared . " This whole time with the BiPap it was so difficult to understand him . His mouth was so dry , his voice was really quiet and it sounded like when someone tries to suck in a deep breath while talking . " You 're scared ? " He nods again . " I know sweetheart . Dr . Mitchell is going to take good care of you . Everyone is doing a really good job . We are getting a lot of spiritual help right now . I feel it . " Mark is fading in and out of consciousness . " Mark ? " a nurse says . " We are going to have to put the breathing tube back in , okay ? I 'm going to give you something to make you sleepy . " I suddenly realize the room is completely full of nurses ( I counted 12 or 13 total ) , the doctor , the surgeon and the ultrasound tech . I start to back up to give them room . They have been so kind , they just working around me most of the time . They look at me and whisper back and forth to each other . Dr . Mitchell approaches me , " The OR is almost ready . We 've had to bring people in from home so it 's taking longer than what we 'd like . He is just having a rough time getting oxygen so we are going to go head and intubate him now , okay ? " I nod . " Are you doing okay ? " I sit down and try to see Mark . I am telling Heavenly Father to let Mark know I was there . I start asking my dad to be with me . Suddenly I know he 's there . My dad is right beside me to my right with his hand on my shoulder . I look over and it was like my mind and spirit could see him , but my eyes could not . I could almost see his outline . I look over at Mark and realize that he , the nurses and doctors are completely surrounded by spirits . They have encircled the room . I felt so peaceful . It was like I was on sacred ground . The nurses were intubating him and the tube they were using was too big . They have to try again . Mark is so floppy . The top number of his blood pressure was staying in the 40s , it wasn 't going up anymore at all . They get the second tube in and secure everything . I stand up and walk over to rub his feet again . Suddenly he starts to throw up again and there are all these crazy beeps . They frantically stick a suction tube down to suction it all out . Then he starts to come out of it . They haven 't been able to put restraints on him and he 's trying to sit up , reach his arms out and kick his legs . The nurse have to hold him down . " It 's okay Mark ! " they shout . " It 's okay ! " The surgeon runs in , " Okay , OR is ready . Let 's go . " He walks up to me . " Things are pretty serious right now . That 's why everything is so rushed . You doing okay ? " " Yeah . I 'm fine . I trust you completely . " He smiles . " Thank you . Now we 're going to get in there and replace that valve completely . You look tired . Do you want to go sleep and I will just give you a call ? " Mark had really wanted his surgery to happen soon . He was getting out of breath just getting halfway up the stairs . His hands started swelling so that he couldn 't get his ring off anymore . He started to cough a lot due to the fluid starting to build up in his lungs . The idea of having the surgery in less than a week was so overwhelming to me . I felt that I had so much on my shoulders . My mom and Christian were coming to Utah to drop Christian off at the Missionary Training Center . Mark argued that it would be terribly convenient . I didn 't want to inconvenience anyone . I just did not feel ready . I called my mom and asked for her input . She said that if Mark was feeling crummy then we should just get it done . I gave in . Originally , the plan was to come in at about 5 : 45 , but they called and asked if we would come in later , at 8am . We got to sleep in a bit more . There was so much stress and apprehension around everything it was so difficult to sleep with this all on my mind . I got about 2 hours of sleep . At that point I had had a migraine for about 4 1 / 2 days . When we arrived at the hospital they had Mark dress in a funky gown that had a heater that could be attached to it . We were both feeling nervous and felt like the wait was an eternity . Mark 's awesome sister , Jeanette , came with her daughter to wish Mark well . She was able to meet the surgeon , Dr . Mitchell , and ask questions with us . We said our goodbyes and they started wheeling Mark away to surgery . Jeanette went home and I went to the waiting room with BFF Kari . Kari had lost her father the year after I lost mine . Her father died from lung cancer and had a difficult ending to his life . We sat and talked about our dads and cried and hugged . I was so glad she decided to be with me , I don 't know how I would have handled it without her . They started the surgery at around noon . They had a liaison who would come about every two hours or when something big was happening to give us updates . About an hour or so into the surgery she came to let me know that they had stopped Mark 's heart and that he was currently on the heart / lung bypass machine . This was strange , surreal and difficult to hear at this point . I knew that he did not currently have a heart beat . I just started crying . It 's just an uncomfortable thing to think about that aspect . After about 2 - 3 hours they let me know that he was still on bypass and that the surgery was going really well . They had told me before the surgery that , because it was a repair , it would take about 5 hours just to do the surgery itself . I knew that if the repair didn 't work then they would go ahead and do the replacement as we had discussed . Around 5pm they cam to tell me that he was off of the bypass machine , his heart started right up and they were checking for any leaks and such . They wanted to be sure that it was a good repair . Once they were sure they would close him back up . Around 6 : 30pm the surgeon came out to meet with me . He looked tired , but happy . He told me that the repair was very difficult . He said there was a tiny little leak but everything looked good and it went very well . I was so relieved to hear this . I was so excited and anxious to see him . At about 7 : 40pm I was able to go up and see him in the ICU . They called me to let me know to come right then if I was to get the picture Mark wanted of himself with a breathing tube ( yes , he is strange , but that 's my Mark ! ) . I got up there , took the picture and just looked at him . He was started to come out of the anesthesia a little bit . He was pretty swollen ( to be expected ) , but I was just so happy to see him alive . They had me step out while they took out his breathing tube . I still watched him through the window because I was just happy to be able to see him . Kari stayed with me and we hugged and cried . Then we decided that I would be okay and she could head home to be with her family . I came and stood by Mark while the nurses got things situated . I grabbed his hand and he squeezed back . It was such a nice feeling . After a little bit I started to notice his heart rhythm was a little off . The nurses seemed calm so I didn 't think much of it . Then I noticed they started talking about his blood pressure . A healthy blood pressure is about 120 / 80 . I didn 't notice what the bottom number was , but the top on was in the 70s . Another nurse came to join . The surgeon came in and they started discussing his heart rate and blood pressure . I asked one of the nurses if this was a fairly common thing . She said , " Ummm , well . . . iiit happens from time to time . " Not really an answer that comforted me . I felt really calm still . Everyone seemed to now what they were doing . Things started to change though , and change quickly . . . Dr . John Mitchell seems to be a really great guy . I asked the nurses in cardiology what they thought of him and they had wonderful things to say . Mark has a friend who had an aortic valve replacement done by him , he had great things to say . We looked him up online and he was in the army and has lots of schooling and degrees ( I imagine you 'd have to if you were going to be a heart surgeon ) . Today we met him in person . He has done so many valve repairs and replacements , I imagine it 's almost second nature . Only 1 . 5 % of the people he 's had to replace valves on have died . These were due to other complications , not having to do with the heart valve itself and they were all much much older than Mark . Here was my facebook status update : Update on Mark : We met with the surgeon . He is a really nice guy . He explained everything really well and answered all of our questions . He explained that most surgeons would not give us the option of having the valve repaired , but he says that in his opinion , he thinks that he can repair the valve . He said that it would be a huge repair and that it wouldn 't be easy , but he was willing to try if we were open to him giving it a try . If he did the repair , Mark would probably have to have a replacement in the next 10 years or so . The upside would be that he would not have to be on an anti - coagulant for the rest of his life ( not until the replacement in 10 years or so ) . He will probably have to have a replacement in 10 years , but he would only be in his 40s which would be better than having to get it replaced in his 60s or 70s . Anywho , he can do the surgery in the next few days if WE want or we can wait until the 18th or soon after . Mark is all about have it now , but I would like to prepare a bit . I just want to get caught up on my life since I have the option before all goes crazy again . Most likely the surgery will be the third week of March . - - Basically , there is a lot of healthy tissue and valve , too much even ( which is part of the problem ) he really thinks he can repair it . Here 's to the next step ! ! We will pick a date in the next day or two and let you all know ! ! Thanks again for all of your prayers , love , fasting , thoughts and food on our behalf . We love you all and wouldn 't be able to do all this without you and our Heavenly Father . Normally , I am not one to stress or freak out . Even when the nurses thought Mark was having a heart attack , I kept telling him it was probably just gas . " Are you sure it 's not gas ? It could be gas . Have you thought about it possibly being gas ? " Then when he started getting really nauseated and pale after his angiogram , " You 're probably just dehydrated . " Violently vomiting in the background , " Yeah , I think you 're dehydrated . " I tend to think most things aren 't as big as what people make them out to be and down play them a lot . When Liam was born and was constantly vomiting most of what he would eat , Mark was convinced it wasn 't normal and said it should get checked out . I didn 't agree , so Mark took him in himself . After the doctor 's visit I was convinced . I should probably worry more than I do , but that 's why I have Mark , right ? It 's not that I think Mark is going to die . I realize that is a serious and real possibility , but this is the one of the first times that I feel genuine worry . I don 't like people trying to tell me how I should feel , so when I tell them what 's going on , many of them down play it . I will have someone say , " Yeah , my grandpa had a valve replacement . It 's not that big of a deal . He ended up being just fine . " I say , " Well , there is a chance of death . They stop the heart to work on it . " Here 's what goes on in my head , " I am worrying too much ? They are opening up my husband 's chest and stopping his heart . I do believe I can worry a bit . If it was your spouse instead of your grandpa or really old dad , would you not worry ? Would you not consider the chance that your young children might not have a father if something went wrong ? " I may sound mean and I know they are trying to keep me from worrying , but I am going to worry . Until he is completely healed I will have some sort of worry . He is my husband , the father of my 5 young kids and I love him . If a really old man has this surgery and he dies , we would say that it was too bad . At least he lived a long life . It would be slightly ( sense some sarcasm ? ) more tragic for my husband to die at his young age and for me to be a widow at the age of 28 with 5 children aged 7 and under . This surgery is a big deal , it 's a big deal with an old man , it 's a big deal with a young man . It 's open - heart surgery , it 's a big deal . My eye keeps twitching because I am not getting enough sleep . I am stressing about my life , in general . I am stressing about the kids , how will they handle this , how will they handle not being with their parents for long periods of time . I worry about the financial aspect of the whole thing . While Mark is out of work we will be getting about $ 1200 less a month . I will be driving the car a lot more , how will I pay for gas ? I don 't have my family here , I don 't want to go through it without my family 's support . I never see my husband anyway , I am going to miss him while he is in the hospital . Why couldn 't I have finished my book long ago so that maybe I could have a little extra money right now ? Should I start taking jewelry orders to make some extra money ? I don 't have time for that . How am I going to have time , for anything ? I 've never taken a Xanax , but it 's sounding pretty nice right now . I know I will have help . I know I have a wonderful ward with amazing people who care so much . I know it will all be okay , but I still stress I still worry . Speaking of pancreatitis , I had an " attack " or " episode " or whatever you want to call it the other night . It 's not the worst pain I 've had with this , but it was pretty awful . Feels like a flaming hot poker to the gut sometimes . I kind of wish there was a surgery to fix this problem . I had someone tell me that I probably had my miscarriages because the Lord knew that Mark was going to have open - heart surgery . Really ? Who says that ? People who don 't think before they speak kind of people . I don 't think people should ever bring up a miscarriage in such a way . I think I was supposed to have those miscarriages for probably reasons I don 't know yet . I know it was a good way to finally get me to the doctor and get some of my other issues diagnosed and taken care of . I think if I wasn 't supposed to be pregnant when Mark had his surgery , I just wouldn 't have gotten pregnant . I think the Lord has that kind of power . I know he does . We are meeting with the surgeon earlier than planned . We are meeting with him tomorrow at 10am instead of Wed . at 1pm . I am anxious to get this thing scheduled . I kind of want to fast forward a few months , I am not ready for all of this . Are we ever ready for trials ? No . We can never prepare for these things completely . We just need to give this to the Lord and trust in him . I am not going to mope and cry today . I am going to pull up my big girl panties and face this head on . These were all from the day before and day of Mark 's procedure . The goal was to find out if Mark 's valve could just have a repair or if it would need to be replaced . To find this out we scheduled a special procedure called a TEE . This is where they stick an ultrasound probe down your esophagus to get a near perfect look at the mitral valve prolapse . Instead of typing the story of the day , I thought I would share through my FB status updates and comments from people : Feeling anxious for Mark 's procedure tomorrow ( 7am has never felt so early ! ) . Hopefully we can find out when his open - heart surgery will be . I will keep you all posted . I received 34 comments from wonderful people . It helped me feel so much more ready to face this day . Some favs : Mary Brown : Jeff and I held a special fast for you and him . I 'll continue to pray , too . Please call / message me if there 's any way I can help you with ANYTHING . Andrea Donegan : Love and prayers headed your way sista ! Love you both ! . The start of the day had friends and family with facebook statuses that expressed their concerns , thoughts and prayers on our behalf . Mark is currently getting his TEE done . Trans - Esophogial something or other . They are giving him an amnesia drug , so he won 't remember this . I heard an older couple talking and the wife said her husband had the procedure before , the husband 's response : " I did ? ! " ( 16 comments of support and love ) Favorite comments : Rebecca Weger Saying prayers for you guys and your family today . Cherstin Hamblin Keeping y ' all in our thoughts and prayers ! Jami Mortensen Hamblin I 'm praying for you guys . And the doctors . : ) After Marks procedure : Just spoke with Mark 's doctor ( Mark is totally out cold and drooling a bit ) . He was being optimistic and was hope that mark would just need a repair , but there is quite significant damage to the entire valve and so it will need to be completely replaced , and pretty soon before damage is done to the heart . : ( This means it will not be his first and last open - heart surgery in his life . ( 31 comments of greatness ! ) Favorite comments : Chanté Harrell Hoehne You are not alone in this . You have a great ward family and we all love you guys and pray for you . And we will rally behind you throughout this : ) I second what Jeanette said - what a blessing that the doctors would discover his condition and needs before it was worse . Big , big hugs your way . Chanté Harrell Hoehne PS - I love that , even in the middle of such a trial , that you never lose your humor . . . And that you would mention Mark 's drooling . He 'll love that when he comes to ; ) Logan Mahan The Mahans love the Smiths . Keep us posted and we will keep you all in our prayers ! Danielle Jolene SThat was one of the most difficult days I have experienced . I was so overcome by the comments and private messages of support , thoughts , prayers and love . I was by myself through this , but because of you all and our amazing Father in Heaven , I was able to feel so calm and peaceful and I managed to keep my sense of humor through the entire thing . I didn 't even feel the need to lose it until I went to bed that night , when I just sobbed when I baby wouldn 't go to sleep . I had been so overwhelmed by the emotions of the day in that moment , I just broke . But I didn 't break once while I was at the hospital trying to be there for Mark . We will have a long road ahead , but we are past these few hurdles . Thanks again everyone . You all are my big giant rock of support ! ! PS - Alybabe is walking ! ! ! I am a Colorado girl who met and married a Utah man in July 2003 . We live in Utah with our 7 beautiful children : Duncan ( 12 ) , Liam ( 11 ) , Gwendolyn ( 9 ) , Rosaline ( 8 ) , Alastair ( 6 ) , and Briony ( 3 ) , Felicity ( 3 m ) . I am sure there are more babies coming for us in the future . I guess you 'll just have to read along and find out !

My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . Remember the horse that was given to me about 2 years ago ? He was a drop - dead gorgeous palomino Morgan that was green broke . After reviewing ground work with him , I tried to ride him and on the fifth ride , he went into a violent fit of bucking . Of course , I flew off . I tried it again - - the same thing happened . I hired a trainer - - and it happened to her , too . I ended up giving him to Windy Hills Farm . They train and sell horses . I was completely upfront with the situation . He was more than I could handle . If I could have stayed in the saddle , I could have worked it out , but I didn 't have the skills of a bronc rider . All I could see was me getting seriously hurt . Windy Hill told me they would keep in touch , but I knew they wouldn 't . I was right . I could have contacted them to see how he was doing , but honestly , I was afraid I would hear bad news . I would rather not know than to know that he didn 't work out . From time to time , we would see him in the background of their sales videos . One time , they posted a picture on Facebook that showed a young lady sitting on his back . It seemed like a good sign to me . Still , I never contacted them . After seeing the photo , I assumed he was being ridden . Lately , there haven 't been any sightings of him in their videos . One of our fellow boarders at our stables said she talked to the owner of Windy Hill , and she asked about the palomino Morgan . He knew who she was talking about right away . He said they had one really bad ride in the beginning , but after that , he was fine . He turned into a very good horse , and they sold him . A happy ending . In my heart , I felt that if a trainer could stay in the saddle through all of his bucking , he would give up . He was a very lazy horse without much fight . I just couldn 't do it . We have to know our limitations . You can 't imagine how pleased I am that he worked out and has moved on to be a useful horse . Thank you Windy Hill / Lisa , at our barn , got a new horse last July named Ice . He is a huge gray Quarter Horse with a lot of Appendix breeding . When I look at him , I see Thoroughbred before I see the Quarter Horse . At 14 years old , I 've lived a sheltered life . He never went off the property at his previous owner 's place , so he isn 't used to the variety of things we see out on the trail . Lisa only took him on about 4 trail rides last year , and she wanted to take him out for the first time this year with a quiet horse . I volunteered Cole Train . Our goal was to ride him down the hill to the river . If he did that well , we would cross and go just a short distance . The river is really low , right now , so it would be a good time to cross for the first time of the year . Lisa mounted on the trail , and we headed down the hill . Cole reluctantly took the lead to give Ice courage . It must have helped , because Ice was flawless on the way down . It was a no - brainer to try to cross the river . At the beginning of our ride , we have to go along a fence that separates us from the paved bike trail and the street . It is actually a good place to let horses get accustomed to both traffic and bikes . Some cars came , and Ice slowed down , stopped and then turned around to go home . Lisa struggled to prevent him from turning , but Ice simply powered through her . When she got to a wider spot of the trail , she was able to turn him back around , but when she asked him to go forward , he just wanted to back up . She did get him to walk , but as he went along the fence , he repeated the whole behaviour . And then it happened again , and again . He wasn 't doing anything dangerous , but Lisa wasn 't getting anywhere . By Ice 's body language I would say he wasn 't afraid , but just uneasy with going on the trail . He thought home would be a better place . I suggested that Lisa try leading so we could make this a positive experience rather than an unhappy one with a lot of conflicts . She agreed and dismounted . When she was trying to lead him , he kept swinging his head in front of her and then would cuth her off , so he could turn around and go home . She turned him back - - and then he would do it again . She was getting frustrated , so I got off Cole and showed her how she could lead him with a hand on each rein - - with the right rein under his neck on the other side of his head . That way , when he tried his little trick , she would have the leverage to keep him from succeeding . He still was able to bend his head a little towards her , but he was no longer able to cut him off . We got past the fence and went into the woods a little bit . We then turned around . Ice immediately walked like a gentleman with much enthusiasm - - but he didn 't prance , dance or rush like a barn sour horse . He just walked faster . There is a good log for mounting right by the river crossing , so Lisa was able to mount and ride across the river . Ice went right in and walked up the hill without a single problem . Overall , I think it was a good ride . Ice used to do things like that to Lisa when she rode him on the property , and she was able to work it out with him . At no time did he seem overly nervous or excited . He spooked at nothing - - unless you count that side step when the car passed . Lisa was nervous , but she kept her cool and did everything right . I showed her how next time when he tries to turn around to go home she could keep him turning in a small circle with a leading rein to get him facing the direction she wants . The only problem is he is such a big horse that it won 't work where the trail is very narrow with a drop off on one side - - like on the hill in places . She will have to use her judgement in those cases . I think he has the potential to make a fine trail horse . Dante was worse on his first ride of the year than Ice - - and Ellen has ridden him hundreds of miles on our trails over the years . If she keeps up with him , not only will he keep improving , he will probably start to enjoy it . By the way , Cole was a superstar . He waited patiently when he needed to and did everything I wanted of him . And he sure was surprised when we turned back early ! They were predicting rain , and my sister , Ellen , said if it was raining to not bother meeting her the next morning . When I saw the forecast on the 11 : 00 news , it looked very bleak . They predicted rain in the morning - - after a rainy night . Even if it wasn 't raining , the river was too high . I emailed her that I probably wouldn 't be out there because of the weather . I felt really crummy . I really did want to ride with Ellen , so I still set my clock to get up . When it went off I could hear the rain on the roof . I checked the radar , and I saw that there was rain over us , but it looked like it was moving out - - and then there wouldn 't be any rain for a while . I decided to head out to the barn . If the river was too high , she might not want to ride on the hill . I would watch her ride Dante in the arena and then maybe ride Cole on Ranger 's walk . I really don 't know what I would do , but at least I could keep Ellen company . When I got there , she was saddled and bridled and ready to go in the arena . She didn 't think I was coming out . By now , the rain had stopped , just as the radar predicted . When she told me the river was crossable , I couldn 't believe my good fortune . I had to do a little coaxing , but not all that much . I told her the rain stopped - - and we should just go . We rode down the hill to the river . It started drizzling . The river was a little high , but crossable . I told her it was her call . She said we should just do the hill . I asked her if she was sure , because the hill is either difficult - - or boring . I told her it would be an easier ride if we crossed . She hesitated for about 3 seconds and then agreed . Ellen gets nervous crossing rivers , even when they are low . She gets nervous riding on rainy days because Dante is somewhat troubled by loud traffic on wet roads . She worries about thunderstorms - - after all , we were caught in a doosy , years ago , and a tree fell right next to us . She gets nervous about lots of things . Yet , here we were on a rainy day crossing a higher than normal river ! Like it was nothing ! This was awesome . It started raining a little harder . I was beginning to think I looked at the wrong radar . Af first , Dante was pretty pokey . I tried to follow , but he was too slow for Cole . She told me to go in the lead . Cole went faster - - and Dante did too ! Ellen didn 't seem to be nervous at all . She seemed to like it ! We moved out faster , and so did she . Dante didn 't go as fast as Cole , but he was going at a good trot . When we got to the section we like to canter , she wanted to go in the lead to do a some of it . We started at a fast trot . Dante will always trot faster , here , because he is hoping to canter . I typically let them canter , and Cole trots behind . Dante started to canter , and I did something unusual - - I asked Cole to canter , too . This is the trail that Cole sprouts wings at a canter . I will ride in front of my companions , and we will go off like a rocket . At the end , I just wait for them to catch up . In this season of hyper horses , no one has allowed me to do that , so I haven 't cantered much at all this year . It was time to try something new - - cantering behind another horse . Cole did well , but he was going too fast . In a short time , I had to bring him back to a trot - - but the good news is he did just that - - came back to a trot . Ellen asked Dante to trot , too , a few seconds later , but he didn 't just trot - - he trotted faster than he has ever trotted with Ellen before . I know this because we were following . I think he was trotting faster than he was just cantering . It was awesome ! Ellen wasn 't afraid in the least . She just went along for the ride . It was time to turn around and head for home . It was still raining , but not really bad at all . There were no bugs , and it wasn 't too cold . We did a mixture of walking and trotting on the way home . Ellen 's braveness was giving way , and she was nervous that her nervousness might cause Dante to be nervous crossing the elevated river . I was a good sister and agreed to switch horses . Dante crossed the river well , and then we waited for Ellen . Poor Ellen , Cole decided he wanted treats . He got stuck on the river bank - - demanding treats . When she convinced him to enter the water - - I don 't know how many treats it took , he walked fast . Well , it wasn 't fast for Cole - - but fast for Ellen . I heard her whining the whole time they crossed . " Cole , slow down . Cole you are going too fast - - slow down . " Cole ignored her , of course . He knew how to get her safely across . Cole always takes care of Ellen . Ellen told me the reason she was so easy to convince to go on the ride was because she wasn 't anticipating it . Since she thought I wouldn 't be there , she just figured on an arena ride - - and she had no real anxiety except with the river on the way home . I think I should do that in the future - - tell her I 'm not coming out - - and show up . I met Kevin out at the barn on a rainy day . It wasn 't raining , and according to the radar , there was a break in the action . If we went right out on a ride , we would be able to ride during a dry window . Kevin was hesitant . First , he was worried he would get caught in the rain . Earlier in the day , he went jogging , and just as he was turning around to head towards home , it began to rain . He ended up getting soaked , and he wasn 't looking forward to being drenched again . I assured him that we would stay dry . His other worry was bugs . Often , after it rains , the mosquitoes come out in droves - - and Starry is so sensitive . They make him crazy , and he will act up . I suggested we go towards the Lagoon , which is a shorter ride and , where there are always less bugs . Since I was wearing a sweatshirt and a sweat jacket , I felt it was probably too cold for them , anyway . I didn 't even put bug spray on Cole . Kevin loaded up Starry with spray and put his mask on . We headed down the trail . When Starry got to the bottom of the hill , he took off at a fast trot . I heard Kevin say something about " no brakes . " I was still going down the hill , and Cole saw Starry moving fast - - and he decided to join him . I didn 't have any brakes , either . ( Usually , Cole will tolerate Starry doing things like this , so I figured he must be in " a mood . " I haven 't ridden Cole to the Lagoon since last year , due to all sorts of reasons . Ellen and I plan to go on longer rides in that direction , so I figured that it would be good to get Cole there at least once before Ellen attempts it . It is a bit of a tricky trail , because it goes parallel to the street and the river . We just have a stip of trail with grass on each side between them . To make matters worse , there isn 't a simple river bank alongside the trail . It is a 10 foot wall that drops down the the river . It was one of those noisy days . With all the rain , the cars were very loud on the wet street and the planes were flying low . We ride quite close to the airport , and the planes are so loud that you can 't talk when one flies overhead . Today was really bad . We arrived at the Lagoon . The first part of the trail actually has trees and shrubs along both sides . The rain had left lots of puddles , so Kevin was stopping to walk through them . That was great - - he had brakes ! Cole can go through puddles , but he prefers to tiptoe around them , so we did . At the last big puddle , Kevin just kept trotting . We trotted through it , and Cole 's belly got splashed . I had a sudden acceleration . He started to lean into the bit and then his head got lower than I like . If his head gets too low , he is known to toss in a buck . We were now in the open area , and Starry picked up the speed . Cole could keep up , but I could feel the momentum building in his hindquarters . He then started pulling his head down , again . I thought a reset would help . I stopped him , and then asked him to trot , again . Unfortunately , Kevin didn 't know we stopped , and he moved further away from us . Maybe stopping wasn 't a very good idea . Cole once again started to build up his excitement . Kevin stopped to walk through a rough patch of trail , and I was able to catch up . Before I had a moment to relax , he was off , again . My white knuckles reappeared . We reached another spot that we typically stop to go down a gravelly slope . I caught up , again . Somehow , I ended up in the lead , and we trotted down to the end of the trail . As soon as we turned around , Starry got bugs in his head . There were no bugs around us , but Starry is so phobic , that he acted like there was . He started swishing and belly kicking - - and then he took off at a fast trot . Cole thought he had a great idea - - and took off after him . By now , I had had enough . I bent his head towards the left to slow him down , and though he fought at first , he did finally come down to a walk . Starry was a different story . They trotted out of sight . That really got Cole upset . He tried to trot up , but I insisted he just walk . We compromised and walked very fast . As soon as we got around the corner , we could see Starry up a ways . Kevin finally got him to walk . Gradually , we got closer to him , and I guess Starry realized there weren 't any bugs , after all . He relaxed and walked like a gentleman . He still tossed his head about at the imaginary bugs , but we made it all the way home without incident . If it wasn 't his first time over there for the year , Cole would have been fine . If Starry wasn 't plagued by bugs and and acted like his usual self , Cole would have been fine , also . But a crazy Starry on a different trail ? Well , it wasn 't much worse than I expected - - and much better than I expected on the way home . One thing I know for sure , it will be much easier to ride that trail with Dante ! It 's been nearly a year since Shari started riding Bella with us on a regular basis . Being an energetic National Show Horse , it was no surprise to see her spooking , dancing , prancing , trying to go at faster gait , etc . We used to say , " That 's just Bella being Bella . " Through the summer , we saw her calming down . The more we rode together , the better she got . Shari used clicker training , and that helped immensely . Clicker changes the conversation - - or in Bella 's case - - brought her into the conversation . In the beginning , she just reacted to the environment . With clicker , Shari got her attention , and they were able to have the conversations . Instead of Bella saying , " I 'm going . I 'm spooking . I 'm going , again . " She was saying , " I 'm going . Shari , do you like the way I 'm going ? You do ? I 'll do it some more , than . " With the mild winter , we were still able to get out on the trail periodically . Bella had her first ride in the snow ! In the spring , when we really started riding again , we had a few bad rides . You read about them here . Then , she suddenly became the horse she was at the end of the fall , last year . Soon , it seemed like she spooked less , traveled with a loose rein , more and just seemed more relaxed . That 's when we really started having some terrific rides . So we worked on her following instead of leading . That was a very easy lesson - - because this isn 't the same Bella as before . The phrase , " Bella being Bella , " is outdated . Bella is a different horse , now . We are going to have a fantastic summer of riding . But what am I going to write about ? My publisher is downsizing their warehouse . Consequently , I now have several cartons of books at my house that I want to sell . " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " is a highly readable , how - to book for trail riding . I cover training the green horse , retraining the spoiled horse , negotiating difficult obstacles and terrain , conditioning , dealing with difficult weather and more . It costs $ 20 . 00 plus $ 4 . 00 to ship . If you are a local person , we could arrange to meet to save shipping costs . Posted by The next day , Shari and I found ourselves back on the hill . The river can be very troublesome in the spring . We did one trip down with Cole doing some trotting in the lead and Bella following like an angel . On the way back up , we found Kevin and Starry . Remember that Starry has been struggling since last summer with his own leadership problems . He doesn 't want to be lead horse . He has improved so much since then , but he still isn 't reliable . There is another problem . Starry has fallen in love with Bella . He will follow her to the ends of the earth . He doesn 't like Cole to be between them . Cole doesn 't mind if he can 't follow directly behind Bella , so that isn 't a problem . The real problem is how to get Starry in front of Bella . Kevin knew all this , and decided he would just leave . He didn 't want to mess up our ride . It took much convincing to get him to stay . This was a training ride for us , and it could be a training ride for him , too . The hill can be so repetitive that we welcomed having another horse to liven things up . We wanted to see if Bella would follow a horse other than Cole . Of course , we had to get Starry in the lead , first . Right away , Starry went into his backing up routine , swishing his tail and adamantly refusing to go in front of Bella . The hill is a terrible place for this behavior with a nearly sheer drop on one side of the trail and a ditch on the other side . Kevin decided to wait and try at the bottom . We have learned that one way to trick Starry into taking the lead is to stop the other horse either on a slope or at the very bottom of one . Starry then has momentum going down the hill and keeps going past . Sometimes he will stop at the bottom and Kevin has to urge him on . Sometimes it doesn 't work . It didn 't work this time . Kevin had to use his mean voice , and Starry reluctantly stepped forward . He then got a lot of praise . Kevin asked Starry to trot , Bella was second and I took up the end . We trotted along the flat stretch of trail at the bottom of the hill with ease . Yes , Bella will follow other horses , too . On the way back , there was an incident that caused a 4 - letter word to leap out of Kevin 's mouth - - and Starry wasn 't even leading at the time . We were trotting ahead of him , and he turned into the Bella of old . He wanted to catch up and was snaking his head ; trying to pull the reins out of Kevin 's hands . After that , Kevin really just wanted to go back home . He didn 't think he could convince Starry to cooperate at all and once again was worried that he would ruin our ride . We insisted he stay . We went back up the hill , turned around and headed back down . At the bottom , Shari stopped and Kevin kept Starry going - - right past Bella . We trotted , and it was great . We turned around and Kevin was able to convince Starry to pass Bella and then to pass Cole , too . We did another trip up and down the hill with sometimes Starry leading and sometimes Cole leading . Starry still wanted to be by Bella , but he didn 't have to be following her anymore . He seemed content to have her close behind . Kevin was so proud of his Starry . In the beginning , he was certain of failure . Shari told him he was being too negative . Starry is a good horse and if we all work together , he will become an even better horse - - just like Bella did . The next opportunity I had to ride with Shari , the river was too high to cross , so we had to work the hill . Going up and down the hill multiple times can get a little boring , so I suggested that we try to make things interesting by practicing the trot with Cole in the lead . She had had a break of a few days from riding , and her feet showed no sign of tenderness at all . This would be a good test . We tried it at the bottom of the hill . Cole went first and Bella followed . It was like they had done this for years - - not one ride . I was astounded , and so was Shari . We did it a few more times with great results . Of course , Bella got praise and clicks . Cole no longer seemed worried to be in front of Bella , either . Since that wasn 't much of a challenge , we decided to make it a little tougher . We tried Bella standing as Cole trotted by , Bella walking as Cole trotted by , Bella standing as Cole trotted away from her and then Bella quietly catching up with him . We did it at different parts of the trail , and even going uphill which is the direction towards home . Was this really happening ? Bella was simply perfect . Shari and I talked about it . I really don 't believe one training session would cure a horse that was so intolerant of other horses leading . I think that this wasn 't a case of training as an example of a horse changing her attitude . She decided it was fine if Cole went first - - we showed it to her . It got me to thinking . We can know a horse 's actions , of course , and sometimes we know the cause of the actions . If a loud motorcycle comes tearing down the street and our horses spook , it is reasonable to say they got startled . Common sense says that it is because they were frightened , but do we really know that ? Is it no coincidence that a horse will spook more at the beginning of a ride when they are fresh than at the end of a ride when they are tired ? How much spooking is caused simply by high spirits and a desire to play . After all , we have all seen our horses playing that game when they are first turned out . It can be hard to know of a horse 's motivations for their actions - - even in somewhat obvious instances . So the question is , why didn 't Bella like horses ahead of her . Was it because she just desired to be in the lead ? That is what I originally thought . Both Cruiser and Ranger always wanted to be in the lead - - making challenging rides for us . If that was the case with Bella , would we be able to fix that in one training ride ? It seems unlikely . It took many training sessions , and Cruise and Range were still difficult together . I am leaning towards believing she wanted to be in the lead just because that is what she always did , and that is where she was the most comfortable . Yet , when she was leading , she would spook at many things . Cole and I had to be very vigilant so we could stay out of her way if she started dancing around or shying . It was a common occurrence on our rides . When she was following us , she didn 't spook once . In fact , she traveled surprisingly relaxed . Could Bella have realized that the horse that follows can relax because the lead horse is in charge ? If Cole trots quietly , there is nothing for her to worry about . The horse that follows doesn 't have as much stress in that position . She could be just as , if not more comfortable following . Did she figure it out ? Is that why she took to it like a duck to water ? Does she understand she could trust Cole to take care of her ? It really is hard to know a horse 's motivations for hs / her behaviors . We can often only guess . We do know something happened in Bella 's head , and it was for the better . She trusts Cole to be her leader . Now , will it work with other horses ? Shari and I were out on a ride with Bella and Cole . Shari thought that Bella 's feet might be a little sore because she was riding her so much , and she didn 't have her shoes on , yet . Once she pointed it out , it seemed that Bella did indeed seem to have tender feet . We were only going on a short ride , so we continued on . I had one of those light bulb moments . Our project for the summer is to train Bella to accept horses in front of her . She loves to be a leader , and if any other horse is in the lead , she does her best to change that . She does all right at a walk . We practiced that a lot last year , and as long as Cole walks fast enough , she will allow him to be in front of her or next to her . It is a different story when we trot . Our first problem was Cole . He insisted that it was wrong for him to be in front of Bella . It took a lot of convincing to change his mind . Once he was in the lead , I told Shari to let me know if she was having trouble . For the most part , I just heard , " Good girl . Good girl . " Shari would periodically click Bella , and then I would click Cole , too . All went well until we got to the section of the trail where Cole and I like to canter . Of course , we stayed at a trot , but it was a faster trot . It was time to challenge Bella . She lasted longer than I thought , but in the end , she couldn 't take it anymore and she scooted forward . We didn 't try it on the way home , because it is unlikely she would tolerate it . Will our training ride help us in the future ? Stay tuned . . . Ellen wanted me to ride Dante the next day , even though she was very sure he would be fine . Dante had showed a pattern , over the years , of acting terribly the first day we try something we haven 't done in a long time - - and then being perfectly normal the next day . Ellen thought this would be the case . It happened to be Easter Sunday morning , so the park was particularly quiet . This time , it was only Ellen and me ; going out alone . We mounted at the beginning of the trail and headed down the hill . I could immediately feel the difference in Dante 's manner . This was the horse I knew - - not the tense creature of the day before . Cole was a different case , altogether . Not that he was tense - - he was just happy to have Ellen aboard . He tried to do his silly walk numerous times - - in hopes of getting a click . Sometimes he just stopped and said he deserved a treat . When that didn 't work - - it would be time for the silly walk , again . He had me chuckling all the way . We crossed the river without much ado . I put Dante in the lead , and we trotted off . Dante is much slower , naturally than Cole . Cole just can 't trot as slow as Dante . Ellen would hold Cole back , click him , trot to catch up , stop , click him and repeat . Cole thought it was a great game . Finally , he got Ellen to give him a lot of treats ! Dante just trotted happily down the trail . Sure , he tossed his head around a bit - - he always does when he is excited - - but his feet just trotted on , steadily and smooth . He had one minor spook - - but that was no big deal . We continued on this way to the next river crossing , turned around and walked home . This was the Dante we know and love ! The next day , I wasn 't going to ride until the evening and Ellen could only be there in the morning , so she rode with Kevin and Starry . This was very , very brave of her , since if she had a problem , she couldn 't switch horses with me . Of course , they had no problems . Once again , she put Dante in the lead , and they trotted most of the trail - - except where they cantered . Dante volunteered the canter , but Ellen insisted he trot - - but after he trotted a bit more - - Ellen asked for the canter . They did great . I was able to ride with Ellen the next day . This time , we made things a little tougher . About half of the ride , we put Cole in the lead . Cole sets a faster pace . It did cause Dante to break into an unwanted canter with a little buck , but it wasn 't anything Ellen couldn 't handle with ease . Towards the end of the trail , we put Dante back into the lead and Ellen asked him for a canter . He did great . Cole just trotted along behind him . We walked home . We are sure that there will still be hiccups in our rides , but things look pretty good right now . Ellen is quickly getting her confidence back - - for good reason , too . She 's got a great horse . Shari rode over to our barn to meet us . As Ellen led Dante down the driveway , we could see he was very , very excited . Usually , he just plods down , quietly as Bella prances and Cole tries to do his silly walk . Not this time . Dante was very tall with a lot of spring in his step . Ellen asked me if I could lead him on the street . Of course , I did . Dante was just fine . When I got to the trail , I gave Ellen the reins , we mounted up and headed down the hill . Bella went in front because that is where she is happiest . Dante was still excited , so he followed Bella and I brought up the rear with Cole . About halfway down the hill , The spring in Dante 's step came back , and I watched as his tail slowly started to rise into " Arab " position . The first thought that came into my mind was , " Uh oh . We are in trouble . " It is rare for Dante , unless he is out playing , to do that . At that moment , Ellen asked to switch horses . She didn 't see his tail , but she could feel the electricity flowing through his body . She was getting too nervous to handle him . I gave her Cole and then led Dante down the hill . He was very hyper , and I preferred that he settled down a little before I got on him . By the time we got to the river , he seemed a little better , so I mounted . Ellen brought Cole to the mounting block and told us to go right ahead and cross while she mounted . Bella willingly walked down the bank and into the water . Dante trotted down the bank , ( without permission ) until he reached the deep mud and then he got serious and walked carefully . This was very unlike Dante - - he is usually slow in approaching the river . I think Bella was already across by the time Dante got all the way in the water . Shari called out , " There 's a goose coming ! " Sure enough , a Canadian goose was in the middle of the river floating quickly in the current straight toward us . I didn 't want to rush Dante across because he has been taught to walk carefully through the river for Ellen 's sake - - yet I did want him to rush across because we were on a collision course with a goose . Shari kept warning us about the goose as he got closer and closer . Dante decided to rush across , all on his own . The river bank on the opposite side is currently very muddy . When Dante reached the bank , he leapt up it at a gallop and kept going . He actually made it about 5 strides down the trail before I could stop him . I tried to spin him at the top of the bank , but he used his Morgan " iron neck " against my efforts . When I got him to a standstill , I could see Ellen still on the other side of the river with Cole at the mounting block . She saw the whole thing . Now , I would have to ride Dante for the next 2 weeks to prove to her he was safe . Sigh … We headed down the trail . Dante was still an excited bundle of nerves . I never rode him before when he felt this way . We tried a little trotting to settle him down , but that had the opposite results . It was going to be a walking ride . After about 10 minutes , his head started to lower and his rhythm started to get regular . I felt like he was coming back to me . We did try trotting a second time , but that got him all wound up , again . We rode out to the next river crossing , turned around and headed home . He was very good on the way home - - much like his normal self . We crossed the river , and I led him up the hill . He was feeling spunky on the hill , but he only showed it by walking faster than normal . Throughout all this excitement , what was Bella , our problem child doing ? She was the perfect angel . Not once did she misbehaved in the slightest . We were so proud of her . I asked Ellen if she was worried about riding Dante after seeing his unusual display of badness , and she said she thought he would be just fine because she saw how his behavior improved over a relatively short time . She was sure he would be perfect the next time - - I rode him . Posted by Shari and I were riding Bella and Cole on the hill because the river was too high to cross . We had been on the the hill for about an hour and heading up for the last time when Bella started to get all bouncy . Shari thought that another trip down was in order so that Bella learns that rushing home wouldn 't get her home any quicker . As Shari turned a bouncing Bella around , she got a little too close to Cole . Cole is very sensitive to other horses getting into his space - - particularly if they are acting fractious . He decided to hightail it out it of there . He dashed up the hill . Bella thought that was a great idea and followed . I spun Cole to get him under control - - and that was when he saw Bella coming up behind him . He felt threatened again and tried to resume his run . All of this took place in just a couple seconds , and in a couple more , we had Bella and Cole standing still . They were both still agitated , and Shari suggested dismounting . I was already jumping down before the word , " Yes " could get out of my mouth . Kevin asked me to ride one more time down the hill with him . Shari checked the time , and realized she had to get back to the barn . I told Kevin I would go with him , and Shari left . It was an uneventful ride down to the river . We were about halfway up when we spotted the turkeys close to the trail . Ten hens and one gorgeous Tom were strolling by . We often see turkeys when we ride , but this time , for the first time ever , we got to see a Tom fully displaying his magnificence . He was all puffed out and pretty . We were fascinated and just stood there watching . As they got closer , the Tom noticed us . He would turn to us and puff out even more . Oh , was he pretty He kept doing it . Maybe he thought we would take his girls away ? Starry , the horse who is afraid of just about nothing , was all alert . Starry , who would let a semi pass him without batting an eye , was raising and lowering his head to try to get a better view of the turkeys . Starry , who quietly watched a coyote chasing some deer just the week before , was standing there as tense as could be . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Starry was frozen . When Kevin tried to turn him away to proceed up the hill , Starry tried to scurry away . This is normal behavior for a spooky horse , but it was bizarre behavior for Starry . Kevin decided he was safer on the ground . Starry was still dancing about . I told him to face the turkeys before trying to dismount . Kevin turned him toward to the turkeys , and Starry froze once more . Kevin safely dismounted . I was already on the ground . Once Starry started to act up , I got off to prevent a repeat of what happened with Bella . Cole is very reliable . When I dismount , he parks out like a proper Morgan and won 't budge - - even if I want him to . Starry was still scared , of course . We carefully led them up the hill , and I don 't think Starry relaxed until we were about 50 feet away . Cole wasn 't worried about the turkeys at all . For all the excitement with Starry , we were happy we got to see the turkeys . That Tom was just so pretty . I have been riding Cole on the trail all winter . Our extremely warm weather has kept the river thawed and ice off the hill most of the time . I don 't know for sure , but I would guess I have ridden on the trail at least once or twice every other week . In March , I have been out on the trail most days and across the river much of the time . With all this trail riding , Cole is acting nearly as good as he does in the summer . Last week , there was a day that the river was too high to cross , so Kevin and I rode up and down the hill , instead . The temperature was extremely high for horses with partial winter coats , so we expected them to be very quiet . A woman at our barn was also leading her new yearling down to play in the shallow part of the water . We passed them on our way up the hill the first time . They had just arrived at the bottom of the hill . On our second trip down , they were in the water . We caught the filly 's attention as we passed , and she neighed at us . I think that might be what got Cole going . He leapt into the air and charged towards Starry . I got him back under control , but he tried to rush all the way up the hill . When we turned around to go back down for the third time , he kept trying to trot . He doesn 't have the kind of trot that you want to go downhill on , that is for sure . I managed some semblance of control . Kevin was almost clueless to my problems . Starry was a perfect gentleman . We turned around to go back up the hill . The filly neighed , again . Cole was even worse , this time . When we arrived at our turnaround spot , here came Jack on his very hyper Tennessee Walker . That was all I needed . I immediately hopped off . Jack rode past us and Cole jumped up into the air and started bucking . If Kevin didn 't comprehend Cole 's rambunctious mood before , he sure did after that ! Kevin wanted to go down the hill one more time . I agreed , but there was no way I was going to ride . I lead Cole down to the river and back . The whole time , he was rather horrendous . The only time he did halfway decent is when I had Starry in front of us . That weekend , I rode a couple times with Shari on Bella . Bella had been sick , so she hadn 't been out on the trail very much for a few weeks , and she was particularly good . We were so pleased . A few days later , Shari was able to ride with me in the morning . Once again , the river was too high , and we were limited to the hill . Shari 's barn is down the street from us . There was a bunch of machinery going on in her yard when she left , so by the time she got to the trail , Bella was a little wound up . She seemed to settle down - - until we got halfway down the hill and could see and hear the park maintenance crew cutting a tree and putting it through the chipper . That 's all it took to send Bella to the darkside . She wasn 't bad in a dangerous way , but she was nervous and prancy . We tried walking back and forth on the flat bottom part of the hill . That didn 't help . We tried a little trotting , and that made it worse . We went back to walking . She seemed a little better so we went up the hill partway , turned around and rode back down . She was just as bad as before . Shari looked at me and asked if we should just go home . We did . Bella was having a bad day . The week previous , Dante had a bad day in the arena . You have to understand , he is a very steady arena horse . Some days he is a little more cooperative than others , but that is the worst he does . Ellen was riding him in there when the neighbor started calling for her dog . He couldn 't see her because her yard borders the solid wall of the arena . She was calling and calling . The disembodied voice bothered Dante so much . His head went high and he tuned Ellen out . Even when the person stopped calling for the dog , he kept searching for the voice . She took him to the safe end of the arena and worked there for a while . He did a little better . She dismounted and led him back to where the voice was . He did all right . As she led him back , a door suddenly opened and made him spook . Princess , the feline barn tyrant was in his path . She had to dash away . Ellen gave up after that . She was very worried . Her wonderful arena horse was dramatically different from what she was used to . Her fear was that he was ruined from this bad experience . I told her he just had a bad day , and he would be fine the next ride . That didn 't stop her from worrying . Of course , he was perfect the next time she rode him in there . He just had a bad day like Cole and Bella . Sometimes there is a cause for the bad day , and other times there seems to be no cause at all . I wonder if there are times that they may have a headache and just don 't feel like cooperating . One bad day doesn 't make a bad horse . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . .

Today was Leap Day , an extra day in the year , and I did nothing . Well , next to nothing , because we are all sick with bad colds and sore throats . So we didn 't do more than Bible for school and whatever the kids did on the computer . I 'll check tomorrow to see if they did anything , when I hope to feel better . I didn 't sew , knit , or crochet . I didn 't clean , other than to clear off the table for supper and help Mr . I sop up the juice he spilled twice . Yes , he spilled juice twice in one day . The kids are more accident prone when Mommy is sick , and even more so when they aren 't feeling well . It kind of throws them for a loop to see me horizontal . I did cook supper , an enchilada casserole , for the crew and loaded the dishwasher once , but I didn 't do laundry . I helped Ms . D walk the neighbor dogs part of the way , but I went straight to the sofa and watched a movie right after I came in . I didn 't use this extra day in the year for much of anything productive . And that 's OK . Because tomorrow will be a new day . And I hope the rest I had today will help me to heal . And if I 'm not better , I might just have another unproductive day . Well , except for laundry . We have a lot of towels that have juice on them . Our family is passing around a cold and last week the kids had strep , so we 've been avoiding contact with my grandson . We don 't want to spread the illness to him . But at the same time , we miss the little guy . This is where Skype comes in . We can 't snuggle and kiss his little cheek , but we can see him play , toddle around , and try out his latest smiles and baby talk . I am so thankful that we can see him , yet not infect him . I think about how technology has helped us to stay connected to loved ones all around the world . Missionaries can see their grandchildren , soldiers can talk to their kids , families and friends that are separated by distance can still stay in contact . It isn 't anything like the nineteenth century when people would never see their loved ones again after emigrating two thousand miles away . We are so blessed ! Tonight I went to another homeschool network meeting in our area . A friend emailed me with some information on a women 's praise and worship night . I made sure I went , with all that is going on in our life . When things get crazy all around me , the only one that keeps me centered and on my feet is God , the solid rock . And I knew deep down that I needed this night to remind me who is in control , because I sure am not ! The worship was wonderful . The scripture in Isaiah 54 gave me hope . The prayer for me reminded me that I can have peace because God is the foundation of our household . . . . Finding out that some of the women there were good friends with some of my good friends , yet I had never met them until today . I almost met one a couple of days ago , but she couldn 't walk with my friend . Another had seen my picture on Facebook yesterday while looking for a neighbor with the same name , and wondered why I seemed to know so many of her friends . It 's awesome to see connections like this ! It shows me how God delights in surprising us . And it shows me that I am not alone in this life . There are people out there who are just one connection away who can be a blessing to me , and I to them . Fortunately , things don 't grow quite so quickly in the winter , even in California , so I have hope I can get things somewhat under control . This week I 've been able to pull a few weeds , mow our little patch of lawn , and cut down some more palm branches . The last few days have been beautiful , yesterday even hitting eighty degrees . Today it isn 't so hot , but it is the perfect temperature to do some heavy work . Hubby isn 't supposed to overdo it yet because of his surgery , so I chopped out a dead grape vine and then planted two kiwi plants . Grape Vine I Chopped Out Ms . D wanted me to promise not to carry any more " trees " in the Prius . We went to the fruit and vegetable store yesterday . Ms . D wanted to finish listening to a song in the car , so I told her I 'd look in the garden store next to us . It was a beautiful day to go to a garden store , the kind of day that it is pretty dangerous to go to a garden store , especially when we have little room for any more plants ! Well , I was wanting to replace the grapevines with kiwis . I 'm not sure what killed the grapes and don 't want whatever killed them to do the same to any new grapes I would plant . I really liked having vines growing over our back patio in the summer . It 's a lot cooler there with a green canopy . I saw the kiwis , both male and female , and decided to bring them home right then . . . in the Prius . . . and they are about eight feet tall . The kiwis barely fit , but we were able to arrange them so that the tips kept brushing up against Ms . D . I think I embarrassed her a bit ! It 's really easy to embarrass a 13 year old , isn 't it ? But it is so hard to find both male and female kiwis at the same time , they won 't pollenate otherwise , so I needed to act fast . So anyway , I 'm pretty happy that I planted the kiwis within a day of bringing them home . Nothing is worse than to pay for a plant , only to get so busy that it never makes in the ground . The yard is still a mess , even with the work I 've done . But I 've started to clean things up , the weather is nice , and it 's good to be outside . I am realizing how much detective work I need to do with the younger kids . One doesn 't express her feelings or can really describe problems in a helpful way . Yesterday she was angry at a friend . I asked her what happened and why wasn 't she speaking to her . She either couldn 't , or wouldn 't . That 's what makes it hard , since my response and what I say to her depends on the information I can glean . Is this a time to teach about how to treat others kindly , or was her friend doing something wrong and should have been avoided ? Did Ms . D misinterpret nonverbal communication , blow things out of proportion , or is she making a good judgement ? Was she mimicking a sassy TV program , spacing out , or not communicating well herself ? Or was she keeping herself out of trouble ? Sometimes I really don 't know . One of Ms . D 's friends had once texted some inappropriate things to a boy . Ms . D wouldn 't talk to the girl for awhile . When I asked why hadn 't her friend come to our house for a few days , Ms . D only said she was mad at the girl . I found out through someone else what the real problem was . Situations like these make it really hard to discern what is the real issue . With Mr . I , the detective work today has been in the area of his health . He has strep throat , which he hid from me while he was wanting to play yesterday . Then , in the evening , his throat hurt horribly . This afternoon he was feeling better so I let him go outside in the warm sun . He walked backwards and fell , hitting his head on the sidewalk . I had to use a lot of detective work to figure out how badly he was hurt , since a small injury can seem to him to be the worst injury ever , while a bad injury is ignored . His tolerance to pain has almost no correlation to the seriousness of the injury , but is more dependent on who he is with , what is his mood , and whether he is stressed about something else or not . He 'll complain about a scratch for hours and days , yet has tried to hide a cut that needed stitches . Mr . I came up to me this evening and told me he had a sore throat . I looked and saw that he had a spot on his tonsils . I had thought we were in the clear with the strep since it had been a bit over a week since Ms . D had it . I called the advice nurse and she ordered antibiotics . I 'm so thankful we didn 't have to wait for another strep test and Mr . I could start the medicine in a little over an hour , instead of thirty . Hopefully he won 't be as miserable as his sister was . He doesn 't do illness or pain well . There 's something else that is troubling me . I had to pick up the antibiotic at the hospital pharmacy , since it was late in the evening . As I was driving into the parking lot , I started to cry . I guess all the hospital visits are starting to get to me . Yesterday was Blackbelt Daughter 's birthday . She is the youngest of my bio kids . It 's kind of strange to think she 's 22 . I 'm so proud of her . She 's studying to be an elementary school teacher and also teaches Taekwando . She 's the one I can be silly with . Yesterday we sang in the house at the top of our lungs , pinching our noses to see if we sang from our chest or our head . To celebrate her birthday , we went out to our neighborhood Chinese place . She didn 't want a cake . I think she 's a bit tired of cake because her boyfriend 's birthday is the day before hers . I 'm glad , because I ate too much food again and I know if there was cake around , I 'd eat it . I love art . I love music . And this video has got to be one of the most interesting things I 've seen in quite awhile . I posted this on my Facebook page , but am realizing that it 's getting harder to look at again and again from there . I 'm posting it here so if I need to de - stress , I can listen , watch , and enjoy . If you want , you can too . Hubby and I took a computer to the Apple store . They replaced a battery that was swelling and fixed the body of the computer in about 15 minutes . This is the same store that I had to wait an hour to be helped before , even with an appointment . They fixed the computer in record time and for free . Grandson and family came for a visit . We were able to see him walk , chatter , and be his wonderful , sweet self ! I always love having them over ! We dropped some food over to the birth family fairly late tonight . Since it is near the end of the month , it was greatly appreciated . They also know others in need , so they will be able to bless them . We talked about God providing and our dependence on Him for everything . We stayed about an hour , but had to leave because of bed time . Our kids go to sleep much earlier than they are used to . Right now I 'm pretty angry at the school system for missing Ms . D 's MR . I mean , how can someone trained in education and special ed . either ignore or be so completely clueless about the problems she was having in school ? The teacher saw it . But she was cowed , just like I was , to work with Ms . D in the classroom and not bother to test her until she was one to two years behind . It just costs too much to do the testing . I had been telling her teachers for years that she had FAS . Her first grade teacher , who told me she had worked in special ed before , said that Ms . D couldn 't be MR because she wasn 't consistent in her gaps . Well , that 's the nature of FASD . The damage to the brain is influenced by the amount , frequency , time of pregnancy , and other factors like hereditary , smoking , and health of the mother . Different parts of the brain develop at different parts of the pregnancy . That 's why Ms . D has such a wide range in her IQ ! Duh ! I am so upset right now that I have half a mind to go to the school and tell them a thing or two ! Of course , school is out for a week for winter break . Which is probably a good thing . I 'm grieving , and I 'm not really thinking straight . I want people to be aware of the damage of alcohol on a baby , but I don 't want to unleash the momma bear on unsuspecting people . I just read a blog that was wise and encouraging . Greg Lucas talked about seven helpful insights that helped him and his family who have someone who is disabled . While I don 't agree with everything the man said , and I 'll let you figure what I disagree with , he has such good counsel and encouragement for me right now . One of the things he was talking about was the effect of having a child with a disability on the siblings . And I agree whole heartedly ! I see the compassion that my older kids have which is so unusual for young adults in our community . I don 't always catch everything they do . But I have glimpses here and there . I see how they respond to my younger ones , I see them slip some money to a missionary , I see them treat the elderly with respect and children with kindness and love . I see them make choices in their careers , in their finances , in their time , and in everyday choices to put others in front of themselves . I see God working through them in such a quiet , humble way . I am so thankful ! I 'm grieving , but at the same time I 'm seeing God 's hand in all of this . I hurt . But I am comforted . I know God will work all this to His Glory and I will be blessed . I made a diaper cover for the shower today . I 'm getting pretty fast at it now , even with my finicky sewing machine . I couldn 't find my pattern for a cover , but I found one for a diaper , so I modified that . I used some really cute PUL with turtles , fish , and frogs on it , white fold over elastic , and Velcro . I 'm now in the mood for sewing after taking a break because of all the family drama . I 'd really like to make more baby things for young moms . Cloth diapering is so much easier now than when I had babies . And it 's so good for the pocketbook and the environment . The baby shower was for my daughter - in - law 's sister . There was so much good Asian food ! I think I ate way too much ! It was so good to see how good of a job my daughter - in - law did organizing the shower . I 'm so proud of her ! Today I had a bit of time to sew . Not too much , because we were trying to catch up with a little school work , but enough for a baby shower tomorrow . Nothing like waiting for the last minute to finish something ! I made a changing pad and a wet bag for diapers . The bag was much easier than I would think . I just had to make a long rectangle out of PUL , be sure the zipper was put on the right way , sew up the sides , and turn it right side out . This evening , as I was dropping off Mr . I at a friend 's house , I saw a neighbor shine his car . I told him that if he made it any shinier , I would be blinded by the glare ! He told me that he was getting it ready to sell . It reminded me of how Hubby and I used to joke about how if we saw someone put fresh bark chips on their flower beds , the next thing to look for was a for sale sign . Nowadays , it 's the opposite . When we see that someone isn 't keeping their house up , we start looking for another foreclosure . We 've had four foreclosures or short sales on our street of a couple of dozen houses lately . Ms . D is on the mend today . I was really worried about her being dehydrated last night , since she couldn 't keep anything down . I did wake up in the middle of the night to check on her and give her a sip of liquid . It was hard to get her to drink much because her stomach was so queazy from the strep . But this morning I got her popsicles and it worked . If she hadn 't , it would have been back to the hospital . Thankfully , she got better by the hour and drank more than yesterday . I don 't know what people did with strep throat before antibiotics . I guess scarlet and rheumatic fever were more of a problem . I don 't dare tell Ms . D that she needs to take the medicine or it could be bad for her , yet it 's really hard to get her to take the antibiotics . She has a tendency to over blow every little hurt or illness , just like her birth mom . I can 't tell you how many times I had to reassure her that it 's normal and a sign her body fights infection when she feels a lymph node . I 've had her obsess over those things even the day after going to the doctor for a well child visit . I 've even played the " I had three years of nursing school and 28 years of raising kids so I know what I 'm talking about " card , but it doesn 't really work . She still worries about her health , despite refusing to do some of the things that would help herself be healthier . I 've heard other parents of kids with FASD say their kids do the same kind of thing , so I guess I 'm not alone . So far , no one else in the family has a sore throat . I 'm keeping an eye out for it though . I thought I was possibly coming down with it yesterday , but it was just scratchy from being tired and allergies . I hope it doesn 't spread . Illnesses spread fast in a larger family , even when we try to take precautions . Ms . D tested positive for strep throat . She 's still not feeling well and won 't drink much . She is having a lot of seizures which is scaring her little brother . So in addition to having to take care of a sick one , I am having to calm a very worried twelve year old boy . Ms . D 's IQ is in the 50 - 70 range , depending on the specific areas tested . This isn 't a surprise , but now I have to figure out how to navigate the regional center so she has more supports as an adult , and how to adjust her schooling . But considering how low her cognitive function is , she 's doing pretty well . There 's a lot to process here , and I haven 't had much time to let it sort out yet . Hubby and I went to the psychology appointment today and I walked the dogs with Mr . I . There were calls and visits to the pharmacy and phone consultations with nurses . I made the call to the regional center to start getting Ms . D signed up . I also stopped at the store to find some things that would lure Ms . D to drink . I couldn 't figure out what to make for supper until some ham fell out of the freezer when I opened the door . I made a ham , cheese , and potato casserole out of it . Even Mr . I liked it ! I ended up watching the neighbor kids with Mr . I this evening . Hubby got to help another neighbor girl with her homework since I wasn 't home , and he did a pretty good job of taking care of Ms . D too . Valentines usually isn 't very big at our house . Hubby doesn 't normally do holidays , and if it 's important to me , I do it . It also breaks my heart to see my single friends so sad . Little do they know , but not everyone with a boyfriend or husband gets what they imagine we get . Sometimes what we imagine someone 's life to be like is way different from reality . If I get something for Valentine 's or my birthday , great . But I 've come to the conclusion that a good marriage without flowers and such is much better than a bad one with all the frills . I also try to keep things a bit low key for the little ones , and this year it is especially important to do so . We 've had too much excitement lately and holidays are really hard on the kids . There 's nothing like a bit of holiday excitement to bring out all the FASD , RAD , and PTSD behaviors . I took Ms . D in today to get a throat culture and picked up a prescription for Hubby while I was there . Ms . D has a sore throat and has been sleeping most of the day . Oh , and a bit of seizing too . I 'm trying to figure out whether to cancel her part of the psychologist appointment tomorrow . We 'll see what happens in the morning . Hubby and I certainly are going ! There 's been quite a bit to talk about these past three weeks . One of the blessings of our part of California is that there really isn 't true winter weather . I always thought of it like God cut out winter , made fall go right to spring , and stretched out summer . Yes , we go about in our winter coats in January and February , but in most parts of the country they 'd be wearing a light sweater or jacket in similar conditions . Today I took three walks , one with my friend , one to the store to pick up some bread , and the third with Hubby . I took a few pictures of some of the flowers I enjoyed . I didn 't get a picture of the three hawks battling in the sky , but they were beautiful too . We couldn 't figure out who were the males or females , since they all were dive bombing each other . They had stripes on their tails , so I 'm wondering if they were Cooper 's hawks or something else . My friend and I enjoyed the show . Oh , and with the nice weather , I did a little yard work before the rain came again . I 've really neglected our yard the past few months , so the work is piling up . But I did get to mow the lawn and get one of the palm trees halfway trimmed today . It wasn 't much , but it was a start . We also took down the honey from the roof . Our bees disappeared sometime when Hubby was in the hospital the past three weeks . I saw bees flying in and out of the hive recently , but when Hubby went up there yesterday to check on them , they were completely gone . There were very few dead bees at all . It 's sad , but we got a large super of honey anyway . We 'll have to ask someone on the bee guild what to do to prepare the hives before we get some new bees . They have so much wisdom when it comes to those little gals . I often get so used to blessings that I forget what amazing gifts those things are . Sometimes I take for granted good health , electricity , clean water , beautiful sunsets , a loving family , and so much more . I often forget how much I am blessed by something until it is gone or until someone I know is suffering . Illness comes to our family or to someone close to us . We visit friends in Nicaragua who get their water from a dirty well or who have spotty electricity , if any at all , and realize that not everyone in the world has reliable utilities . Hubby and I have a good marriage , despite raising kids with special needs , yet I see so many around us who are struggling . I am warm , dry , and full . I have all I need and so much more . I am blessed . The mustard plants were blooming and were practically glowing in the broken sunlight . I grew up in Illinois . I would have marveled at these hills which I hardly notice anymore , because they are so common in the West . I 'm wondering how many other things I take for granted now , that would amaze someone from another part of the world , in a different situation , or in a different era . I would guess it would be quite a bit . I hope I never forget just how blessed I am . I hope I will be thankful for all God has given me , for the love of those around me , and for the beauty in this world . After Ms . D 's non - epileptic seizure in the morning , I was wondering if I needed to lower the activity level and anxiety in the house even more after the stress of the past few weeks . Of course , both kids were showing signs of stress in their own ways . Mr . I 's fearful and more outward manifestations were feeding Ms . D 's more inward focused reaction to stressors . I tried to remain calm and upbeat , which was only possible because of the grace of God and the retreat the weekend before . I was so happy when even Blackbelt daughter recognized my efforts . It was really encouraging . But then , I got a call from my daughter in law , asking if we could watch Grandson while she went out with a friend for lunch . I hadn 't seen him in a few days , so I gladly said yes . We took him with us to walk the dogs in the warm afternoon . We had so much fun ! Then , later , a neighbor asked us if we could watch her two kids while she went out with her husband for dinner . She really needed to get out also , so we did . It ended up being a great thing for both of my kids , because having the little ones around took their minds off their own cares and helped them to feel needed . I can 't tell you how important it is for teens to feel good at something and to feel that they can make a difference in the world . And my kids felt both yesterday . And later , another friend was on call at a hospital near us . She lives over in Santa Cruz and would have had to drive at night over the mountains to get there . She was grateful for even a couch , and so she spent the night here . And yes , she was called in around midnight , so it was a good thing we live five minutes away . Another God thing was that she was able to help my neighbor with a problem . I had told the neighbor about my friend earlier in the day before I found out she was coming . My friend had never been to our house before , and the day I talked about her , she was here ! Now , what are the chances for that to happen ? I really think it was a total God thing ! And the best thing of all is that all this activity helped to calm my kids in ways I would not have expected . I could have said no to each of the families we helped yesterday because it seemed like it would increase stress on the kids . But if I had , we would have missed out on being a blessing to others . And being a blessing was the best antidote for the stress my kids were feeling . Ok . What 's going on here ? Our life is settling down . I know , it can 't really settle down completely , not with one child who is still dysregulated . He is making sure subconsciously that I know it was hard for him these past few weeks . I mean , how many twelve year old boys do you know who refuse to go into their mom 's bathroom because he 's afraid of the back of the house ? He 's given me a hard time this week , but I 'm handling it with calm and a happy face . Of course , he also swears at me for having a happy face when he is miserable , but one of us has to have a good time , right ? So I thought Ms . D was done with the seizure thing . Ok , she had one where she passed out in Birthmom 's arms after crying when the birth brother was here , but there was a reason . She was very emotional , and I thought it was good that she cried . Really . Oh , and then there was last weekend when she had really bad cramps when I was at the retreat . She threw up and then did a funny thing with her eyes and passed out . But that can be explained too . While walking on the beach last weekend , I came across a lady who was showing her birds the ocean . She put them on my shoulders and we talked about birds and fostering kids . Those subjects are related , aren 't they ? Me at the Beach Today we were learning about Michelangelo in world history . Of course , the kids were bored and I was interested . I am such an art geek ! It 's hard to break through their determination not to enjoy anything other than pop teen culture . At least I was getting something out of it . And maybe something will break through their walls and help them to appreciate different cultures . I can always hope . But while we were learning about Michelangelo , I came across a really good site that had a virtual tour of the Sistine Chapel put out by the Vatican . I probably will never be able to see it in real life , but I 'm thankful that we have the internet and can get a better idea of what it 's like . Small pictures in books just aren 't enough . Hubby went back to work yesterday for a half day . He was so excited to be back at SLAC . Of course he 's still recovering from surgery , so he came home pretty tired . But it was a good day for him and he 's back to work today . Photography son fixed my dishwasher ! I 've been washing dishes by hand since October , so my hands were very dry . I couldn 't slather enough lotion on to keep up with all the times I had my hands in hot water , washing dishes for a large family . The kids helped , but I still did most of them . I actually enjoy hand washing dishes , it 's one of my favorite chores , but I am so glad I don 't HAVE to do it ! My hands will be happy ! Maybe now I 'll have time to do one of my least favorite chores , like sorting socks . : - P We are getting back to a normal homeschool and housework schedule . It felt so good to get things done yesterday . I have a new appreciation for housework . It 's weird to think I was actually wanting to go home and clean while I was with Hubby and Ms . D in the hospital . I 'm thankful for the blessing of not having another crisis and to be able to settle down and get my house in order . I 'm not one of those people who normally enjoys most chores . But maybe God was working with me in that area , to let me long for something I took for granted before . Hmmm . . . maybe He 's doing that in other areas of my life also , like the way I 've been longing for a closer relationship with Him , to spend more time with Him , and to feel His presence more throughout my day . There 's something to this longing thing . . . Before this weekend , I was in a place where I was pretty well overwhelmed . Yes , I was able to halfway hold it together to get the most important things done , but I was on the edge . The retreat , which was planned and paid for months in advance , came at a perfect time . I came to the retreat pretty broken and discouraged . It was hard for me to listen to the other women talk of their children , what they were doing in school , and how their children were making good , moral choices . I 've been in a completely different space with my kids . I remember some of the thoughts I had when my older children were little , and I know that I would have judged my little ones harshly at that time . How would I have judged my son , who called me an idiot today for laughing at him when he got something in his eye ? Especially since I didn 't laugh at him , but smiled at him before I realized what had happened . I 'm afraid I would have wondered what kind of mother would let her son call her an idiot , and just let him get by with it . I wouldn 't have known the background , the bit of brain damage , the best way to handle times like that . I would have jumped to judgement . But now I tend to be sad , discouraged , and a bit fearful of what others may think . I hope that someday I will be humble enough to skip that part and get right to the merciful and wise responses . I so appreciate the other women for praying for me that night . It began the process of refreshing for me . The next morning I went to the beach just before sunrise . I enjoyed the beauty of God 's creation . I cried . I prayed . I sang . And I was quietly trying to hear God . After awhile , I was able to let go of all the burdens I had been carrying , and felt a peace I haven 't felt in a long time . After that I rested , and have been in a better place emotionally and spiritually since . But there 's more . The next morning , I left to go to another Gathering , or house church , in our network . On the way , I got a message from one of my older daughter that Ms . D had bad cramps and she had another non - epileptic seizure . Fortunately , I knew that the older girls could take care of Ms . D , and they did beautifully . I really needed to worship with others . And it was so good for me to go . I was more at peace , but I 've been longing for a closer walk with God . I know there is more , I 've even experienced it , but I 'm just not there . Today , our pastor came over for dinner and to talk about how to help Birthmother start her own " prayer circle " as she calls it . After we prayed , he mentioned how he felt a longing for a deeper experience for God . I started tearing up , because he was describing how I 've felt for so long . But he assured me it 's a good thing to want to get closer to God . I 'm so glad he didn 't dismiss my longings as wanting to do the impossible and we can 't live on the mountain top all the time . I 've had pastors tell me that , but I don 't agree . I believe God wants a closer relationship with us than we can imagine and for us to walk with Him all the time . So I 've been refreshed and renewed . I am being refreshed and renewed . And I know that God wants to refresh and renew me more . There is no way I can go on without Him . The past few weeks have shown me that my strength is nothing . I may be smart and talented , but I 'm not smart and talented enough to get very far . I need God . I had an awesome weekend at the homeschool women 's retreat . Now this wasn 't your ordinary retreat . The only thing planned was the Saturday evening restaurant meal . No speakers . No responsibilities . No agendas . After the past few months , it was the perfect retreat for me . It 's getting late , so I 'll have to fill in the details later . But here are a few pictures to start : Mr . I hit a wall this week in math . I 've been too busy the past three months with hospital stays , doctor appointments , birth family drama , the shooting of the neighbor girls , psychology appointments , birthdays , and Christmas , to help him with his math much . Our typical way to do math in the higher grades is to have the kids read their own lesson , do the problems , and I would look it over and help them on the questions they did wrong and concepts they didn 't understand . This works well when I have the time to keep up with them . But it didn 't work with Mr . I lately . While in the hospital with Ms . D and Hubby , Mr . I skipped the most important problems that practiced the new material . He 's a master at getting out of work ! So this week when I checked his math , he got most of the problems wrong . He was practicing the incorrect way to add and multiply fractions . He had also forgotten a lot of what he knew last fall . He hit a wall . So what do you do when you hit a wall in homeschooling ? You first try to go over the concepts they forgot or didn 't learn the first time around , while you continue to go forward with the lessons . We did that all this week . But because there were too many gaps , we had to go to plan B , which is to restart at the beginning of the book . Plan C is to ditch the book or method and start with a new one that might match the learning style better . Hopefully I won 't have to go to plan C in math , since we 're all used to this curriculum , but we 'll see how it goes . I 'm also feeling like I 'm hitting a wall . I 'm pretty good at holding it together , more or less , during a crisis , but fall apart after everything calms down . I felt it coming on last weekend , so I went to church by myself in order to avoid the wall . Of course , I came home to Hubby with a fever . He had a UTI after a pyeloplasty , which isn 't a very good thing at all , and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days . This week was filled with doctor appointments for Hubby to shed some of the tubes and get paperwork done . But now that things are beginning to calm down , I feel a bit sad and anxious . I 'm starting to hit a wall . So what am I going to do when I hit a wall in my emotions after a stressful time ? Well , I 'm going to go to a women 's homeschool retreat ! It was scheduled for this weekend and I had paid for it months ago . It is at the perfect time for me . God 's timing is good . There is nothing planned , other than a restaurant meal Saturday night followed by praying for each other . There are no speakers , no agendas , and no being pulled in different directions . I will be able to pray , knit or crochet , read , talk , sleep , take walks on the beach , and whatever else I want to do . I pray that God will take care of the family while I 'm gone , and also that I will be able to slow down enough to evaluate , plan , or just rest in His presence . Grandson came over while his parents went on a little date tonight . It 's been a busy day , since I 'm getting ready for a retreat tomorrow , but I really wanted to see the little guy . With all that 's been going on in our house and Grandson 's trip to San Diego last week , I haven 't seen him in a couple of weeks . I have a confession to make . I can be as geeky as Hubby when it comes to science , art , and music . Poor kids ! I think it 's fun to go to a lecture on black holes or a presentation on 15th century music . I can spend hours at an art museum and love every minute of it . The kids , on the other hand , are easily bored by these things . They make it known to everyone around them that going with us is just a step above child abuse . But I am a geeky homeschool mom . I would much rather take them to experience something in real life , or listen to people explain their research , than to read it in a book . Once we were able to go on a replica of one of Christopher Columbus ' ships . When we studied it the other day , they were able to remember just how small those boats were . Taking the kids to things like lectures , museums , and concerts is also a way to expand the kids ' horizons and to learn more than street culture which is so attractive to them . Yes , there is more to life than jerk dancing , football , dogs , and the Disney channel . Taking the kids out for experiences is also an opportunity to practice how to handle themselves in a public place . And , deep down , there is always the hope that they will learn something , no matter how small . So I drag the kids from time to time , despite their protests and whining . Today , we took them to hear a lecture by an astronomer from UCLA who was giving a public lecture at Stanford University . Andrea Ghez was able to explain in layman 's terms how she discovered a black hole in the middle of our galaxy . Mr . I was just asking me questions last night about black holes and I found out about the lecture today . The timing fit perfectly with his interest , which doesn 't often happen . It was so good to see an intelligent woman scientist be able to make such a complicated subject so understandable , even to children . Both kids seemed to enjoy at least part of the presentation . I don 't know how much Ms . D understood , but Mr . I got quite a bit out of it . I left the lecture amazed at the complexity and beauty of God 's creation . We can search , learn , and discover our whole lives , and only touch a small part of what He has done . I hope the kids pick up on that wonder and awe . If they do , dragging them to Stanford will be worth it . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective .

Country Humor . The Good ? ? Ole Days . Just a collection of stories , thoughts and memories of growing up in oklahoma . Most of them will involve my best friend of the last 55 years , Stanley Johnson . I hope one day to have his versions on here also because I 'm sure our memories don 't always match . Cut the squirrels into quarters and add them , celery , onion , carrots , potatoes and bay leaves to a large pot along with two quarts of water , salt and pepper to taste ( I like a lot of pepper , you can add some sage if you like the taste , I do ) Bring to a simmer and keep it there until the squirrel and taters are fork tender . If you don 't mind the work you can dip the squirrel back out at this point and remove the meat from the bones . That 's more work than most folks I know want to put into it so they just leave the meat on the bones . I 've noticed a new trend in chocolate candy lately . With Hersey 's kisses and a few others the candy companies are pumping air into the chocolate . I tried one of the new kisses and don 't like it as much as the old ones , course that 's just me . But the one thing I keep wondering about is how come the new stuff costs the same as the old stuff since there more air and less chocolate ! Seems like they have a really good advertising company that can convince people to pay for a bunch of air bubbles . Maybe I 'm wrong and the air really tastes good to most people . What do you think ? ? Blanch Polk in a pot of boiling water for about a minute . Melt the butter in a large frying pan and add the Morels , Bacon and Onions . Cook until the mushrooms start to look done and the onions are soft . Add Polk and tomato , stir to blend and cook until the tomato is soft . Sprinkle the Hickory nuts on top just before serving . Serve hot . Lay your coon on a big piece of tinfoil and run him down with either oil or butter . Salt and pepper him inside and out to taste . Chop up the taters , celery , carrots , bacon and onion and stuff them inside him . If you cleaned him yourself you can add the heart , liver and kidneys also . Wrap him up real good in the tinfoil and put him on the grill . You want the tempiture to be around 220 for three to four hours depending on the size of the coon . You can use whatever kind of wood you like for smoke , I prefer Hickory myself . For charcoal or gas grills put a pan of soaked wood chip close as you can to the fire . You 're gonna want to cook him with the lid down so pay attention to the heat . Once his tempiture is around 165 lay him out on the counter still wrapped and let him rest for 20 minutes or so . I like to serve him as just meat and taters but some folks like to rub him with BBQ sauce . I 've even seen some folks that pull all the meat off , add BBQ sauce and chop him up for sandwiches . Add a side of Polk salad and you have a fine meal . Being in Alaska with winter coming on you tended to start thinking of how you 're going to get around with multiple feet of snow on the ground . I could get from point A to point B the same way Stanley and I did down home , riding Shanks Mare , better known as walking . To tell the truth I was planning on doing just that since I figured it was going to be my only option until I made a trip to town that is . There was a small cafe where I used to hang out every time I went to town . It was a place where most of the locals hung out and as such it was a great place to learn about living in Alaska . I got ignored the first few times I went there but after awhile the folks realized that I really meant to stay in the country and they began to be a little more friendly with me . The place not only served really good food but it was also kind of a community gathering spot where the locals could visit and catch up on the news . Among the locals were several folks that lived out in the bush like me . I got to know one old timer when I found out that not only did he live alone in the bush but he also liked to play chess and would make the trip to town every chance he got just to have a good meal and play a few games . After I managed to hold my own in a few games and he saw that it wasn 't going to be a waste of time playing against me he started to open up and give me a lot of info on what it took to survive on your own out in the country . I learned more about wilderness living over that chess board than I did from all the reading I ever did . I headed down to the cafe as soon as got the canoe tied up ; looking forward to seeing if he was in town . I figured if I could get him going with a game I would be able to pick his brain about which would be better for winter travel , snowshoes or skies . I needed to find out which might be the best because I didn 't really have any idea how to use either and I knew I was going to need all the practice I could get before bad weather hit . He was not only in town but was already sitting at a table waiting for someone to come in and play a game . Unfortunately it only took a couple of moves to see that he wasn 't up to his usual standards . I didn 't know what was wrong but it was obvious that his mind was on something other than the game . I finally stopped playing , leaned back in my chair and asked him what the problem was . " Well " he said " I 'm not doing to good health wise and it looks like I 'm gonna have to head back south " . That really threw me for a loop . He was somewhere in his 60 's and had always looked to be the picture of good health to me . I knew he lived at least twenty miles outside of town and made the walk in at least once a week when the weather was good . He had been living out in the woods on his own since he was in his early twenties and he 'd all ways said he would stay where he was until the day he died . Of course about the only thing we had ever talked about was living on our own and I really didn 't know all that much about his background . Over coffee I learned more about him than I had in the three months I had known him . With all his problems he was still willing to give me some advice . He thought that snowshoes would be the best for checking my trap line because they were easier to move in when the snow was soft and once you got in the rhythm you could cover a lot of miles with them . He laughed when I mentioned skies and pointed out that since I had no experience what so ever I more than likely kill myself before I learned how to use them . Then he came up with an idea that I hadn 't even thought of . " Why don 't you get a dog team ? " he asked . " Why not ? " I thought . After all , I 'd seen Sergeant Preston of the Yukon when I was a kid and driving a dog team pulling a sled didn 't look all that hard . The fact that I had absolutely no idea of what might be involved with owing a dog team didn 't slow my thinking down at all . You could haul a lot more stuff on a sled than on your back and would be able to cove a lot more ground . On top of all that , it did get kind of lonely at the cabin and having dogs around would help take care of that . The old man just sat back in his chair , drinking his coffee and watched me mulling the idea over . From the little smile he had on his face I must have had smoke coming out my ears . I was thinking that this really sounded like a plan and all I needed to do was come up with the team and a sled . " Where do you reckon a guy might find a team ? " I asked . This is where I found out the reason for the little smile . It seems that he just happened to have not only a dog team but a sled and all the gear I would need . It also turned out that since he was moving back south he was planning on selling all his stuff and since I was his friend he would make me a real good deal on the whole kit and caboodle . Things were looking up . Not only would my traveling problems be solved but he was willing to trade the whole mess for the amount of gold that I had found ( which , at the time was about $ 800 . 00 dollars worth ) . To recap : I had a dog team complete with sled and harness that I had bought sight unseen . Should I be worried ? I had to make a deal with my buddy , James to bring the team , sled and all the gear down to the cabin because there was no way I was going to fit the dogs in the canoe . I forgot to mention that there were only four dogs . It seemed to me that Sergeant Preston had more than that but I couldn 't remember . Anyway , the old timer told me that he had used four dogs and had had no problem hauling what he needed and I took his word for it . We shook hands on the deal and spent the rest of the night playing chess while he told me how well I was going to do with the team and how much easier it was going to make traveling for me . I headed back to the cabin the next morning to await my team thinking of mushing through the snow the whole trip . I had taken some stakes and chains with me because the old timer said the dogs were used to being chained up . I really hated the thought of chaining them up . I was thinking more along the lines of having them running and playing around the cabin but I knew it was going to take time for them to get used to me and their new surroundings . I cleared all the brush off one side of the yard and drove the stakes into the ground . Each dog would have a circle about ten feet in diameter . Next I dug a horse shoe shaped trench close to the stake . I cut branches and bent them into a " U " shape and stuck each end into the trench then wired a couple more from the closed end of the trench to the opposite end and other that frame I stretched some canvas from an old tent I had found by the river . They weren 't great but at least they would each have a shelter they good use to get in out of the rain . I had also brought three hundred pounds of dog food home and I had to take the boards I had left over and build a storage box for it next to the cabin . I built the bottom off the ground so I wouldn 't have to worry about moisture and added a thick piece of plastic to the lid to keep the rain out . I had spent an entire week getting ready for the dogs and was really looking forward to them showing up . I woke up a couple of mornings later to the sound of James 's boat coming up the creek . By the time I got dressed and put a pot of coffee on the stove I could see him pulling into the bank . I headed down to the creek to meet him and finally get a look at my new dogs . I could hear them as soon as I stepped out of the cabin and I could hear James cussing at them . I remember down home at William Story 's house when they had a bunch of hounds that tended to lie around under the front porch . Every time someone would come up to the house those hounds would come boiling out from under that porch , barking their heads off . William would be out front trying to say hello to whoever it was and trying to yell and kick at the dogs at the same time . It reminded me a lot of what James was doing , trying to say hi to me and yelling at the dogs to shut up all at the same time . I could hear the dogs but still couldn 't see them . James had the sled tied across the boat and the dogs were behind it . By the time I got to the boat he had the sled untied and I was able to help him get it out and set it on the bank and there were my dogs . James had all of them held to the side rails of his boat with really short chains , two on each side and far enough apart that they couldn 't reach each other . He said it was so they wouldn 't fight each other or jump out of the boat . I could see where having one of them jump from the boat while you were coming down the river would be rough but I thought dog teams were supposed to get alone and you wouldn 't have to worry about them fighting . They all looked friendly enough , jumping around and wagging their tails but when I walked up to the fist one he quit wagging and started growling . According to James this one 's name was Mike and he looked to be pure Husky . I took a chance and held my hand out so he could smell it . He checked it out for a minute and finally licked it instead of taking a bite which was a big relief for me . The one on the other side of the boat was called Joe and I 'm not sure what he was . He looked kind of like a long haired blue tick hound , just bigger . Behind him was Pig eye , he looked like a cross between a Saint Bernard and maybe a Boxer . Whatever he was he had a really fat face and he did have pig eyes . The last one was Sam , another cross breed who looked like he was at least part Husky . By them time we got them all out of the boat and chained out in their new spots I was thinking I might need to change my idea of dog teams not fighting . I was hoping I was wrong and all the problem was that they were all excited about being in new surroundings . They did seem to be all right as long as we kept them apart . I put some food out for them but they were too excited to pay attention to it right then and James and I went in to have a fresh salmon dinner . I didn 't get to do much with them for the next week . I fed them every day and tried to spend a little time with them but I still had a lot of work to do around the cabin . I was afraid to take them off their chains because I knew they still weren 't used to me and if they took off running I wasn 't sure they would come back if I called them . They did seem to be well trained though . After they calmed down that first day and night they didn 't bark unless I came out of the cabin and as soon as I walked over to them they would all pull at their chains so I could pet them . The only problem I had was with Mike . He was happy as long as I was petting and paying attention to him but he would tend to growl as soon as I moved on to the next one . Pig Eye was the mellowest of the bunch . As soon as I started petting him he would roll over so I could scratch his belly . Joe always looked like he was grinning and I couldn 't get him to stop jumping up on me and trying to lick my face . I wasn 't sure about Sam . He would stand real still and let me pet him like he was just putting up with it but didn 't really like it . After that first week I decided to start taking them for a walk . I was only able to handle one at a time so I started out with Mike and was very pleasantly surprised . He walked right along side of me , not pulling on the leash or trying to take off on his own . I went a couple of miles up the creek because he was behaving so well and just because I was enjoying it . Not a bit of a problem the entire trip . He stopped every time I did and waited for me to start walking again before he moved . I was beginning to think that I had lucked into some well trained dogs . The next day I took Pig Eye . Other that trying get my whole hand in his mouth when I fed him a treat and slobbering all over me he was pretty mellow and I was looking forward to the same kind of walk I 'd had with Mike . I was wrong . I didn 't realize how strong he was until we were about a mile from the cabin . I hadn 't had any problem with him , just walking along , petting him and giving him a snack every once in awhile for being such a good dog . I thought I had heard something in the brush and had stopped in the trail to see what it might be . Pig had stopped when I did and was just standing beside me sniffing around . I finally saw something moving and stepped to one side to get a better look at it . It was just a rabbit so I told Pig to come on and started to take a step up the trail . I guess I hadn 't noticed that Pig had also seen that rabbit . The next thing I knew he let out a deep bark and I was laying on the ground being drug up the trail . We went at least a hundred feet up the trail and I have no idea how far we would have gone if he hadn 't left the trail and I got hung up in the brush . I learned a few things about Pig that day . I figured he would be good at pulling a sled because dragging me behind him sure didn 't slow him down any . I also learned not to loop the leash over my wrist where I couldn 't let it go and I wasn 't sure about other animals but he was going to be a hell of a rabbit dog . I had to end our walk then and stumble back home . My shoulder wasA couple of days later when my shoulder was feeling a little better I decided I 'd take Joe out for his walk . He seemed to know it was his turn because he started jumping around and barking before I even got close to him with the leash . I was hoping he would calm done after I got the leash on him and we set out but his excitement just seemed to go up a few notches . He left the yard at pretty well walking on his back legs from straining at the leash . It wasn 't easy but not so bad until we got out of the yard and into the woods . Not only did he strain and pull at the leash but he tried to go every which way all at the same time . He would jerk my arm one way and before I could get set to pull him back he would head off in the opposite direction . We ended up going along with me leaning backward trying to hold him while he tried to sniff every tree bush and rock pile . In less than a mile I was more tired out than I had been with both the other dogs and had to turn back toward the cabin . It took a couple of hard pulls to get him turned around and headed back and I think he knew we were going back home . He quit jerking on the leash and came over to lick my hand and whine a little like he was saying he was sorry . If I hadn 't been so tired and my shoulder wasn 't hurting again I would have given in and kept going but as it was by the time I got back to the cabin all I could do was put him back on his chain , stumble into the cabin and lay on my bunk for a few hours . The last one was Sam and I have to say I was a little disappointed with that walk . I couldn 't complain about him being unruly or trying to drag me through the woods . All he did from the time I put the leash on him until we got back to the cabin was follow along behind me with his head down . I couldn 't even get him to walk beside me much less out in front . I started worrying that he might be sick or something . I started jogging up the trail and he had no problem picking up the pace and staying with me so I took off running as fast as I could and again , he kept pace with me . As soon as I stopped he plopped down on his butt and just stared at me . He was kind of an odd dog but for some reason I had the feeling you 'd be able to count on him if the need arose . I tried to spend as much time with the dogs as I could for the next two weeks . I 'd pet them and talk to them every morning when I fed them and at least twice a day I 'd give them a snack of smoked salmon . After a couple of walks I found that I could take Mike and Sam walking at the same time . They were both well behaved during the walks even though Sam would always walk behind Mike , Even if I tried to pull him up even with Mike he would just dig his feet in until I gave up then find his spot right behind Mike . With Pig and Joe there was no way I 'd be able to take both of them without having my arms jerked out of their sockets . I had been trying to get caught up with all the work that needed to be done around the cabin so I would have a completely free day and managed to that by the start of the third week . I woke up early that morning to a fresh snowfall which I thought was a good omen for what I had planned that day . I had already checked out the harnesses for the dogs and found that they didn 't look all that different from what you would use on a horse for pulling a plow back home . There was a breast harness with a belly strap connected to the collar and a chest harness attached to that . There were two pull ropes attached to the breast harness which were joined To tell you the truth I 'm not sure how this brilliant idea came to lodge in my pea brain . Even though I knew I had two dogs that I was totally unable to control when they were together I decided to hook all four of them together and take a leisurely stroll through the woods , and I thought this was a good plan . The way the harness was set up there would be two dogs in the front with the other two following them . Since I had decided that Mike seemed to be the natural leader and Sam was the second most well mannered one I would put them in the front . Plus for some reason I assumed that with the two well behaved dogs already attached the other two would follow their lead and settle right down . I hooked the ring at the end of the harness to a stake that I had driven in the ground . My plan was to get all the dogs harnessed , and then hook another small chain to the ring . Then I could slip the ring off the stake when I had them harnessed and was ready to go . Anyone who knows me will know how this plan worked out . The first part did go fairly well . I got Mike and Joe both into their harness without any problem . All they did was sniff at each other a few times . Next came Pig . At least I was smart enough to put his harness on while he was still chained up because it turned out to be area chore . Imagine trying to put a sweater on a ten year old kid that 's super hyper and wanting to jumped up and down while running circles around you . That would be almost as bad as trying to get that harness on Pig . With all that hassle it came as a big surprise when as soon as the harness was all the way on him he stopped acting crazy and other than a few jumps and wiggles he stood in his spot and looked around . Maybe it was because he thought the harness meant he was going to get to go somewhere . I don 't know but I sure wasn 't going to complain . Getting Sam harnessed wasn 't near as bad as I had thought it might be but he was the wild one once it was done . He kept pulling at the harness and dancing around . There was no doubt that he was readThere was at least one thing I kind of got right I used my hook on the end of the chain . This thing looked like some kind of grappling hook with three prongs ; it reminded me of the big treble hooks we used down home for fishing . According to James it was supposed to be the sled anchor so the dogs wouldn 't run off with it when I was stopped . For some odd reason I actually believed I 'd be able to control the dogs once they were all hooked together but just to be on the safe side I added the hook . All of them had tugged against the stake after I had I had gotten the harness on them but since they couldn 't go anywhere they were all just standing there in the traces looking back at me . As for me I was also just standing there looking at them . I had been about to slip the ring off when it dawned on me that I had no idea of how to handle a dog team . Taking an individual dog on a walk through the woods was a lot different than trying to get a team to do what you wanted . If I wanted one of them to stop I 'd just say stop and pull on the leash . How was I supposed to get a team to stop ? There were no reins on a dog team . Would they respond to " Stop " or maybe " Whoa " ? How did you get them to go in the direction you wanted ? Gee and Haw would work on a team of mules but would it mean anything to dogs ? The light finally came on in my little brain . I should have spent a lot more time picking the old timers brain about how to handle a team . I wouldn 't have been the same as actually training with someone who knew what they were doing but it would have at least answered some of the questions I found myself asking . As usual I had been too excited about the prospect of being Nanook of the north and picturing myself riding through the woods on a sled than thinking of the troubles I might be letting myself in for . Well , it was too late now . I guess I could have taken them back off the harness and waited for James to stop by the cabin so I could ask him if he knew anything about driving a team . The only problem with that would be that I 'd have to own up to the fact that I had spent good money on something that I knew absolutely nothing about . It would be the first time but that didn 't make it any easier to admit . Plus , I didn 't know when he would be by . We didn 't have a set time on when he stopped by . It all depended on when he got a fishing party or was going hunting . It could be the next day or it might be in two weeks . I knew he 'd be back at least a couple more times before the river froze up but my " know it all " brain over road my common since and I decided that since I had everything ready I might as well go ahead and give it a try . I mean after all , how hard could it be ? As I bent down to slip the ring off the stake the dogs turned to watch me and kind of tensed up . I got the ring off and stood back up to see if they were doing anything . They were still just standing there looking at me . I got a good hold of the grappling hook . I figured that since it had three prongs it would be the best thing to hang onto and if the dogs did get away from me all I would have to do was throw it on the ground . I forgot all about the mush thing I thought you were supposed to say to get the going and instead I just said " giddieup " . They stood there for a minute looking at me then looking across the yard at the trail , one more look at me and they " Gottieup ! " All of them lunged against their harnesses at the same time . I thought I was ready for it . I was wrong . I went off my feet face first and was being drug across the yard because I didn 't have enough since to let go of the chain . I did have the presence of mind to at least try and dig the hook into the ground but with the speed the dogs were doing the best I could do was dig a deep scratch across the yard . The dogs took a sharp left at the edge of the yard and headed up the trail . I would like to say I made the same turn with them but it was more like I was the end kid in a game of " crack the whip " . Not only did they throw me off the end of the chain but I rolled far enough down the bank that I ended up with my feet in the creek . The last of I saw of the dogs was Pig and Joes butts headed through the woods with the grappling hook bouncing along behind them . Needless to say ( but I will anyway ) that didn 't go exactly the way I had planned . I had torn the sleeve on my quilted coat and had a pretty good gash on my arm . One leg of my britches was torn most of the off and I had cuts and scratches from my ankle to my knee . When I was finally able to set up I realized my hat was gone and there was blood dripping in my eye . I took a few minutes to get rolled over to my hands and knees and even longer to stand up . My feet were so wet from being in the creek that once I did stand up I had water squirting out the tops of both . All I really wanted to do was go back in the cabin and lay down but I could hear the dogs barking up the trail . They must have gotten hung up by the grapple hook . I was really tempted to just leave them where they were while I went and lay down and waited for my head to quit swimming . I walked back up to the trail and cast a longing look at the cabin , but it was my fault the dogs were in whatever predicament they were in and now it sounded like they were fighting . Thankfully they hadn 't gone very far before the hook got caught in a big tree root . The brush was torn up on both sides of the trail where they had tried to get themselves unhooked but from the looks of it the more they had tried the more they had gotten tangled up . Mike was laying on his side with his collar tangled in a root . Pig was standing on top of him and Mike was trying to bite Pigs feet and legs to make him move , the problem was Pig was so wrapped up in the lead chain that he couldn 't move even if he 'd of wanted to . Joe and Sam were the least tangled but I needed to try and get Pig clear first before Mike managed to get a good bite on him . I waded into the middle of them trying to get to Pigs harness but I accidentally stepped on Mike so he immediately quit trying to bite Pigs feet and started in on mine . I was thankful that I had on some pretty thick boots because he got a couple of good bites in before I could get out of his way . I finally got them all untangled and spread out far enough to keep them from fighting but it sure wasn 't a fun way to spend the afternoon . Every time I had to bend over I felt like I was going to throw up and I kept getting dizzy spells . I had the leash in my pocket . I 'm not sure why I even brought it but I sure was glad I did . I had to unhook them from the harness and walk them back to the cabin one at a time . By the time I got all four of them back to the cabin and chained up I was seeing double and my head was killing me . My feet felt like they were frozen from wearing the wet boots and the cut on my arm had soaked most of my coat sleeve with blood . The problem with living out by yourself is that you have to do things no matter how you felt and I couldn 't just chain them up and go lay down , first I had to feed and water them and I still needed to spend a couple of minutes with each of them to let them know they were good dogs and it wasn 't their fault . It was over four hours from the time I hit the ground before I was able to stagger back into the cabin and get my boots offI spent the next week trying to do all the work around the cabin one armed , again . We had a good snow that week , at least a couple of feet . The dogs seemed to like the little dog houses I had built , at least they stayed in them most nights . Feeding them was not a problem but we were in the weather where I had to melt snow to give them water . I spent a lot of that week sitting on the porch worrying about my arm . After four days I didn 't see any red marks coming from the cut and began to breathe a little easier . I figured I 'd be able to pull the stitches in another couple of days , something I wasn 't looking forward to . The rest of my sitting time I spent thinking about how little I really knew about taking care of a dog team . Believe me it took most of that week to just catalog all the things I didn 't know and only about fifteen minutes to go through what I did know . I figured James would be able to make at least one more trip before the river froze and I had to decide what I was going to do before his final trip . In my daydreams I could still see me running my trap line using the sled and the team . It was a real tempting dream but I was going to have to face the reality sooner or later and the reality was could I really take care of four dogs during the coming winter ? Somewhere during that winter I was going to have to supply meat for them because I didn 't have near enough dog food to last them all winter nor could I afford to buy enough . I was planning on getting one moose to go along with my smoked fish and what rabbits I could get just to last me through the winter . The dogs would mean I 'd need to get at least two and I couldn 't guarantee that I was even going to get the one for me . But , damn , I wanted that team and sled ! I pulled the stitches on the ninth day . I might have waited a couple of days too many because they damn sure made my eyes water when I yanked them out . Now it was time to decide what I was going to do and I knew there was no way I was going to give up without trying them out pulling the sled . There was a good three feet of snow on the ground when I decided to give it one more try . Another thing that I had thought of during my week off was what kind of snow was the best for a sled ? You could get soft snow where you would sink to your knees if you tried to walk in it or you could get snow that froze after falling and leave a nice crust on top . If the snow froze during the night and then you got more snow the next day you would have a crust on top of the first layer which was sometimes hard enough to walk on . During the week I was off we had several snow falls so there was a crust pretty well between each . I didn 't know if that was good or bad but I just didn 't have the time or the knowledge to wait . I got up early that next morning and went out to feed them a good meal . I spent the next hour packing the sled . I was hoping this trip was going to go well so I packed enough to last at least three days . Back out to get the dogs harnessed . I went thru pretty well the same routine as the first time . I put Mike up front again . I at least knew that there were lead dogs that went to the front of the team but I had forgotten to ask the old timer which dog that was so why did I put Mike in front ? He looked like a full blood husky to me so I figured he should be the lead dog . Did that make since ? Maybe not to someone who knew what they were doing but it made since to me . I finally got them all harnessed with the ring over the stake , again . This time I moved the sled close enough to hook the traces to it . I hooked the grappling hook to the back of the sled . I swear the dogs knew this trip was going to be different because they were all jumping around , barking and lunging against their harness . I will admit that they probably knew more about what was going on than I did . I went back up to the porch and had another cup of coffee while I built up my nerve to try this one more time . I finally built my nerve up enough to go down , stand on the sled runners and slip the ring off the stake . Before I could say a word the dogs immediately started to pull . I started leaning to the right , like that would do any good and yelling " GEE " . It surprised me to no end that they actually started to turn to the right ! I was so surprised that I just stood there in wonder until I realized that now we were headed for the creek . I yelled " Haw " and sure enough they started turning to the right . Hell , maybe the old timer had been a mule skinner after all . One thing I was really happy about was that the sled had a brake . It was a simple brake but it wasn 't all that simple to use . There was a bar attached to the back of the sled that had a couple of prongs , one at each end . It had metal pieces at each end that were drilled and attached to the sled with a couple of bolts with the bar being held up with a couple of buggy cords . All you had to do was step on the bar and it would dig the prongs into the snow and slow you down , not too hard to explain how it worked but it proved to be a lot harder to make it work . The sled runners had what looked like a couple of pieces of bicycle tires on the top for you to stand on and trying to lift your foot of them and step down on the brake bar without falling off was a lot easier said than done . I had to learn quickly though because by the time we had reached the edge of the yard those dogs were starting to pick up speed . The first time I tried to use the brake my other foot slipped off the runner and I found myself hanging on to the top bar for dear life and trying to run to keep up with the sled . Now I 'm not a runner , never have been and never will be and trying to run behind a dog team while you 're wearing heavy boots , enough cloths to keep warm and a big quilted parka is really hard ! Plus while I was trying to keep up I was also trying to hop on one leg while trying to stomp on the brake bar with the other . I 'm glad that they didn 't have reality shows and that there was no one I had to go up and get them untangled after my unscheduled stop . The problem was with the brake . As soon as I took my foot off it , it popped back up which meant that if the dogs decided to take off while I was getting them sorted out there would be nothing to stop them . I actually stood there for a few minutes with my brain sparking trying to think of some way I could keep them from running off before I remembered the grappling hook . Duh , I was really batting a thousand that day . I took the hook and stomped one of the prongs into the snow and prayed that would hold them . Once I got them sorted out I put the hook back on the rail and off we went again . After a couple of mile I kind of had the brake problem figured out and I was getting better at just mashing it down enough to slow them without stopping them . To tell the truth I was starting to feel a little cocky . Now that I was getting the hang of it I didn 't think this was going to be a problem and was giving myself hell for being worried about it . We were cruising along the trail ( slowly ) , the dogs were pulling well and I really didn 't think this driving a dog them was all that hard . I was already thinking about my next trip and how much I could load in the sled and how long of a trip I could make when we broke out of the woods and started across a large clearing and the dogs started picking up speed again . I was so busy daydreaming that it caught me by surprise and I almost fell of the runners again . I was trying to watch where we were going and step on the brake bar at the same time . The first time I step for the bar I missed and rammed my foot back in the snow almost pulling myself off . The team was heading off to the left toward where I knew there was a beaver pond and I yelled " Gee " to get them to straighten back out , but that was wrong and now they were really turning to the left . Now I was about half panicked and could not for the life of me remember the simple word to make them turn right . Thankfully the snow was a lot deeper and softer in the clearing I quit daydreaming and starting paying a lot more attention . I kept the pace a lot slower the rest of the day . Late that afternoon I started looking for a camping spot . I figured we were about ten miles from the cabin . I wasn 't going anywhere in particular so there was no rush and I could stop any place I wanted . I set up camp at the edge of a patch of woods and the first thing I did was stake the dogs out and feed them . I strung a rope between two tress and hooked there chains to it . I was a little worried about them not having any kind of shelter even though I knew they were outside dogs . I gathered as much fire wood as I could and built the fire close enough that I hoped they would be able to get at least a little of the heat . My bed that night was just some pine boughs on the snow and my sleeping bag . I had a small tent with me but did feel like messing with putting it up that night . My bag was good to about thirty below and I didn 't think it was going to get near that cold . I lay awake for quite awhile that night going back over the entire trip and trying to think of anything I needed to do different . It got a bit colder that night than I had planned on even though I still slept warm and snug in my bag . It had snowed some more during the night and then frozen so there was a nice ice crust on the bag when I crawled out of it that morning . I worried more about the dogs when I looked over at the area where I had staked them . All I could see were fours mounds in the snow but as soon as I hollered at them all four dogs came popping up out of the snow seeming no worse for the wear . As cold as it was that morning and with the weather looking like it might blow up a storm I figured I 'd better head back to the cabin instead of taking a chance on being caught out with the dogs . I had brought enough food to last them at least four days but I 'd seen storms that could last most of a week and just didn 't want to take the chance . I dug my pan out and melted enough snow to give them plenty of water and after a couple of cupI finally got them rigged up and pointed the right way . I climbed on the runners , got a good hold on the cross bar , yelled Mush ( I remembered the right word ) and we headed off toward home . I think it was because of the crust on the snow that morning ; I 'm not sure but for whatever reason the dogs seemed to pick up speed a little quicker . Maybe it was just because they knew we were going home and were in a hurry to get there . After a mile or so I was getting a little full of myself thinking I had finally gotten the hang of this and I let them pick up more speed . I had been really careful the day before and had spent most of the day riding the brake . Now that I felt like I knew what I was doing I was enjoying the fell of speeding across the snow so I kept my foot away from the brake and yelled for them to go even faster . I know there are people that really do know what they 're doing and are able to let dog teams run as fast as they can for as long as they can , even teams that were twice the size of mine , unfortunately I wasn 't one of them . I don 't know how fast we were going when all of a sudden the dogs jogged really hard to the left . Of course the sled made that same jog but I can 't say the same for me . The sled leaned up on one runner and I was sure it was going to fall over . More importantly my foot slipped off the runner and my hands were slipping on the bar . The next thing I knew I had a face full of snow . I had lost my grip on the bar and ended up ten or fifteen feet to the side of the trail . I pushed myself on my hands and looked for the sled . The good news was that it hadn 't turned over ; the bad news was that it was three fourths of the way across the meadow and did show any signs of slowing down . I was yelling for the dogs to stop all the time I was getting back to my feet but by the time I was able to stand they were gone . I could hear them barking back in the trees and was hoping they would stop but the barking just kept fading away into the distance . Unless the sled got stuck in the brush or turned overI was facing a serious problem . I was wearing some good cold weather gear but other than a belt knife and my pistol that 's about all I had . I did have some smokes which meant I also had a lighter but no food , no shelter ; even my show shoes had been stored in the sled . I figured I was about nine miles from the cabin which is a nice easy walk down home in the summer time but when there 's about three feet of snow on the ground the temptiture is hanging out in the twenty 's and it looks like there 's another storm blowing in it seems a lot farther . At least the dogs had broken a pretty good trail so I wouldn 't have to plow through virgin snow . There wasn 't any reason to stand around thinking about it so I ducked my head and started walking . At least the dogs knew where they were going . I followed their trail all the way back to the cabin . I kept expecting to find the sled overturned and all of them standing in the trail around every bend but apparently they knew a lot more about traveling in the snow than I did . I finally came staggering to the cabin about midnight . I was soaked pretty well from head to toe and about frozen and there they were , lying out by their dog houses , with the sled standing behind them like they had parked it on purpose . No matter how cold I was or how hard it was to get my fingers working I had to unhook them from the sled and get them back on their chains . Then I had to feed them and build a fire so I could melt snow water . I took me about three times longer than normal because I was so tired and cold . I was at least smart enough to have melted extra water and left some of it to boil for coffee . That was a really rough night trying to get thawed out . I felt really bad the next day , my head was killing me , I felt like I was running a temptiture just generally aching all over but the dogs woke me with their barking just after sun rise . I did not want to get up . What I wanted more than anything in the world right then was to just spend the day in my bunk sleeping . I guess I could have done that as long as Ii didn 't mind the sled sitting outside still loaded or the dogs going without food or water . Needless to say I drug my sorry butt out of bed and went out to do my chores . I spent the next couple of days recovering and thinking about my dog team . I hated to admit it but I really had no idea what I was doing and even though I had learned a lot of things through the trial and error method I Just wasn 't sure about this one . Falling off the sled didn 't turn out as bad as it could have but I was looking at winter coming on and could expect to be alone for the next three to four months . I was also planning on doing some trapping that winter which is why I wanted the dogs to start with . The main thing I was worried about was that a nine mile hike during the fall weather was bad enough , what would happen during that winter if I screwed up again ? I could keep the dogs as just pets and try to practice more with the following summer . The bad thing with that idea was I knew myself a little too well and seeing that sled just setting in the yard all winter would drive me crazy and I had already made a couple of bad screw ups , I may not come out so well the next time . After a full week of going from " yes , I 'm going to keep them " to " no , I really don 't think I should " James showed up one morning . He had brought some supplies and decided to stay for lunch before heading on down the river . Over lunch I went through all the trials and tribulations I had been having with the dogs . He thought it was kind of funny and let me know that he hadn 't been sure what I was doing all the way back to when I ask him to bring them to the cabin for me . He said he really didn 't see any way I was going to learn how to handle a team and sled by the time winter set in but he didn 't want to butt in . I guess he was telling the truth because he dropped a bombshell on me then . He knew some people in Circle that knew not only how to work a team but also knew this team and would be more than happy to buy them from me . The way he talked , I 'd even be able to make a little profit from selling them . He had to finish his run down river but told me he would stop by the next day to see what I thought of the idea . I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the dogs and trying to make up my mind . By the next day I had it figure out . When James came back by I sprung my plan on him . I would sell the sled , all the tack and three of the dogs : I would keep one of them with me as just a pet . I thought it was a great plan but James let me know that it was an all or nothing deal . I ended up talking him into spending the night while I thought it over . We ended up loading all the dogs and gear on his boat the next morning . Even with the short time I had them it was like saying goodbye to friends . I hated to let them go but I had to own up to the fact that since I didn 't know what I was doing it would be a danger not only to me but to the dogs as well . Plus , I have no idea how I would have been able to pick just one of them to stay . So my great plan of being a dog musher in the great north came to an end as I watched Pig and Joe bouncing and barking around the back of James 's boat as he headed back down the creek . Anyone have any down home recipes ? Trying to put together a Down Home Cookbook . I need ideas on most anything like deer jerky , fixing possum . fish of any kind , squirrels , coons , road kill , what ever tasted good ? Please send ! !

Country Humor . The Good ? ? Ole Days . Just a collection of stories , thoughts and memories of growing up in oklahoma . Most of them will involve my best friend of the last 55 years , Stanley Johnson . I hope one day to have his versions on here also because I 'm sure our memories don 't always match . Cut the squirrels into quarters and add them , celery , onion , carrots , potatoes and bay leaves to a large pot along with two quarts of water , salt and pepper to taste ( I like a lot of pepper , you can add some sage if you like the taste , I do ) Bring to a simmer and keep it there until the squirrel and taters are fork tender . If you don 't mind the work you can dip the squirrel back out at this point and remove the meat from the bones . That 's more work than most folks I know want to put into it so they just leave the meat on the bones . I 've noticed a new trend in chocolate candy lately . With Hersey 's kisses and a few others the candy companies are pumping air into the chocolate . I tried one of the new kisses and don 't like it as much as the old ones , course that 's just me . But the one thing I keep wondering about is how come the new stuff costs the same as the old stuff since there more air and less chocolate ! Seems like they have a really good advertising company that can convince people to pay for a bunch of air bubbles . Maybe I 'm wrong and the air really tastes good to most people . What do you think ? ? Blanch Polk in a pot of boiling water for about a minute . Melt the butter in a large frying pan and add the Morels , Bacon and Onions . Cook until the mushrooms start to look done and the onions are soft . Add Polk and tomato , stir to blend and cook until the tomato is soft . Sprinkle the Hickory nuts on top just before serving . Serve hot . Lay your coon on a big piece of tinfoil and run him down with either oil or butter . Salt and pepper him inside and out to taste . Chop up the taters , celery , carrots , bacon and onion and stuff them inside him . If you cleaned him yourself you can add the heart , liver and kidneys also . Wrap him up real good in the tinfoil and put him on the grill . You want the tempiture to be around 220 for three to four hours depending on the size of the coon . You can use whatever kind of wood you like for smoke , I prefer Hickory myself . For charcoal or gas grills put a pan of soaked wood chip close as you can to the fire . You 're gonna want to cook him with the lid down so pay attention to the heat . Once his tempiture is around 165 lay him out on the counter still wrapped and let him rest for 20 minutes or so . I like to serve him as just meat and taters but some folks like to rub him with BBQ sauce . I 've even seen some folks that pull all the meat off , add BBQ sauce and chop him up for sandwiches . Add a side of Polk salad and you have a fine meal . Being in Alaska with winter coming on you tended to start thinking of how you 're going to get around with multiple feet of snow on the ground . I could get from point A to point B the same way Stanley and I did down home , riding Shanks Mare , better known as walking . To tell the truth I was planning on doing just that since I figured it was going to be my only option until I made a trip to town that is . There was a small cafe where I used to hang out every time I went to town . It was a place where most of the locals hung out and as such it was a great place to learn about living in Alaska . I got ignored the first few times I went there but after awhile the folks realized that I really meant to stay in the country and they began to be a little more friendly with me . The place not only served really good food but it was also kind of a community gathering spot where the locals could visit and catch up on the news . Among the locals were several folks that lived out in the bush like me . I got to know one old timer when I found out that not only did he live alone in the bush but he also liked to play chess and would make the trip to town every chance he got just to have a good meal and play a few games . After I managed to hold my own in a few games and he saw that it wasn 't going to be a waste of time playing against me he started to open up and give me a lot of info on what it took to survive on your own out in the country . I learned more about wilderness living over that chess board than I did from all the reading I ever did . I headed down to the cafe as soon as got the canoe tied up ; looking forward to seeing if he was in town . I figured if I could get him going with a game I would be able to pick his brain about which would be better for winter travel , snowshoes or skies . I needed to find out which might be the best because I didn 't really have any idea how to use either and I knew I was going to need all the practice I could get before bad weather hit . He was not only in town but was already sitting at a table waiting for someone to come in and play a game . Unfortunately it only took a couple of moves to see that he wasn 't up to his usual standards . I didn 't know what was wrong but it was obvious that his mind was on something other than the game . I finally stopped playing , leaned back in my chair and asked him what the problem was . " Well " he said " I 'm not doing to good health wise and it looks like I 'm gonna have to head back south " . That really threw me for a loop . He was somewhere in his 60 's and had always looked to be the picture of good health to me . I knew he lived at least twenty miles outside of town and made the walk in at least once a week when the weather was good . He had been living out in the woods on his own since he was in his early twenties and he 'd all ways said he would stay where he was until the day he died . Of course about the only thing we had ever talked about was living on our own and I really didn 't know all that much about his background . Over coffee I learned more about him than I had in the three months I had known him . With all his problems he was still willing to give me some advice . He thought that snowshoes would be the best for checking my trap line because they were easier to move in when the snow was soft and once you got in the rhythm you could cover a lot of miles with them . He laughed when I mentioned skies and pointed out that since I had no experience what so ever I more than likely kill myself before I learned how to use them . Then he came up with an idea that I hadn 't even thought of . " Why don 't you get a dog team ? " he asked . " Why not ? " I thought . After all , I 'd seen Sergeant Preston of the Yukon when I was a kid and driving a dog team pulling a sled didn 't look all that hard . The fact that I had absolutely no idea of what might be involved with owing a dog team didn 't slow my thinking down at all . You could haul a lot more stuff on a sled than on your back and would be able to cove a lot more ground . On top of all that , it did get kind of lonely at the cabin and having dogs around would help take care of that . The old man just sat back in his chair , drinking his coffee and watched me mulling the idea over . From the little smile he had on his face I must have had smoke coming out my ears . I was thinking that this really sounded like a plan and all I needed to do was come up with the team and a sled . " Where do you reckon a guy might find a team ? " I asked . This is where I found out the reason for the little smile . It seems that he just happened to have not only a dog team but a sled and all the gear I would need . It also turned out that since he was moving back south he was planning on selling all his stuff and since I was his friend he would make me a real good deal on the whole kit and caboodle . Things were looking up . Not only would my traveling problems be solved but he was willing to trade the whole mess for the amount of gold that I had found ( which , at the time was about $ 800 . 00 dollars worth ) . To recap : I had a dog team complete with sled and harness that I had bought sight unseen . Should I be worried ? I had to make a deal with my buddy , James to bring the team , sled and all the gear down to the cabin because there was no way I was going to fit the dogs in the canoe . I forgot to mention that there were only four dogs . It seemed to me that Sergeant Preston had more than that but I couldn 't remember . Anyway , the old timer told me that he had used four dogs and had had no problem hauling what he needed and I took his word for it . We shook hands on the deal and spent the rest of the night playing chess while he told me how well I was going to do with the team and how much easier it was going to make traveling for me . I headed back to the cabin the next morning to await my team thinking of mushing through the snow the whole trip . I had taken some stakes and chains with me because the old timer said the dogs were used to being chained up . I really hated the thought of chaining them up . I was thinking more along the lines of having them running and playing around the cabin but I knew it was going to take time for them to get used to me and their new surroundings . I cleared all the brush off one side of the yard and drove the stakes into the ground . Each dog would have a circle about ten feet in diameter . Next I dug a horse shoe shaped trench close to the stake . I cut branches and bent them into a " U " shape and stuck each end into the trench then wired a couple more from the closed end of the trench to the opposite end and other that frame I stretched some canvas from an old tent I had found by the river . They weren 't great but at least they would each have a shelter they good use to get in out of the rain . I had also brought three hundred pounds of dog food home and I had to take the boards I had left over and build a storage box for it next to the cabin . I built the bottom off the ground so I wouldn 't have to worry about moisture and added a thick piece of plastic to the lid to keep the rain out . I had spent an entire week getting ready for the dogs and was really looking forward to them showing up . I woke up a couple of mornings later to the sound of James 's boat coming up the creek . By the time I got dressed and put a pot of coffee on the stove I could see him pulling into the bank . I headed down to the creek to meet him and finally get a look at my new dogs . I could hear them as soon as I stepped out of the cabin and I could hear James cussing at them . I remember down home at William Story 's house when they had a bunch of hounds that tended to lie around under the front porch . Every time someone would come up to the house those hounds would come boiling out from under that porch , barking their heads off . William would be out front trying to say hello to whoever it was and trying to yell and kick at the dogs at the same time . It reminded me a lot of what James was doing , trying to say hi to me and yelling at the dogs to shut up all at the same time . I could hear the dogs but still couldn 't see them . James had the sled tied across the boat and the dogs were behind it . By the time I got to the boat he had the sled untied and I was able to help him get it out and set it on the bank and there were my dogs . James had all of them held to the side rails of his boat with really short chains , two on each side and far enough apart that they couldn 't reach each other . He said it was so they wouldn 't fight each other or jump out of the boat . I could see where having one of them jump from the boat while you were coming down the river would be rough but I thought dog teams were supposed to get alone and you wouldn 't have to worry about them fighting . They all looked friendly enough , jumping around and wagging their tails but when I walked up to the fist one he quit wagging and started growling . According to James this one 's name was Mike and he looked to be pure Husky . I took a chance and held my hand out so he could smell it . He checked it out for a minute and finally licked it instead of taking a bite which was a big relief for me . The one on the other side of the boat was called Joe and I 'm not sure what he was . He looked kind of like a long haired blue tick hound , just bigger . Behind him was Pig eye , he looked like a cross between a Saint Bernard and maybe a Boxer . Whatever he was he had a really fat face and he did have pig eyes . The last one was Sam , another cross breed who looked like he was at least part Husky . By them time we got them all out of the boat and chained out in their new spots I was thinking I might need to change my idea of dog teams not fighting . I was hoping I was wrong and all the problem was that they were all excited about being in new surroundings . They did seem to be all right as long as we kept them apart . I put some food out for them but they were too excited to pay attention to it right then and James and I went in to have a fresh salmon dinner . I didn 't get to do much with them for the next week . I fed them every day and tried to spend a little time with them but I still had a lot of work to do around the cabin . I was afraid to take them off their chains because I knew they still weren 't used to me and if they took off running I wasn 't sure they would come back if I called them . They did seem to be well trained though . After they calmed down that first day and night they didn 't bark unless I came out of the cabin and as soon as I walked over to them they would all pull at their chains so I could pet them . The only problem I had was with Mike . He was happy as long as I was petting and paying attention to him but he would tend to growl as soon as I moved on to the next one . Pig Eye was the mellowest of the bunch . As soon as I started petting him he would roll over so I could scratch his belly . Joe always looked like he was grinning and I couldn 't get him to stop jumping up on me and trying to lick my face . I wasn 't sure about Sam . He would stand real still and let me pet him like he was just putting up with it but didn 't really like it . After that first week I decided to start taking them for a walk . I was only able to handle one at a time so I started out with Mike and was very pleasantly surprised . He walked right along side of me , not pulling on the leash or trying to take off on his own . I went a couple of miles up the creek because he was behaving so well and just because I was enjoying it . Not a bit of a problem the entire trip . He stopped every time I did and waited for me to start walking again before he moved . I was beginning to think that I had lucked into some well trained dogs . The next day I took Pig Eye . Other that trying get my whole hand in his mouth when I fed him a treat and slobbering all over me he was pretty mellow and I was looking forward to the same kind of walk I 'd had with Mike . I was wrong . I didn 't realize how strong he was until we were about a mile from the cabin . I hadn 't had any problem with him , just walking along , petting him and giving him a snack every once in awhile for being such a good dog . I thought I had heard something in the brush and had stopped in the trail to see what it might be . Pig had stopped when I did and was just standing beside me sniffing around . I finally saw something moving and stepped to one side to get a better look at it . It was just a rabbit so I told Pig to come on and started to take a step up the trail . I guess I hadn 't noticed that Pig had also seen that rabbit . The next thing I knew he let out a deep bark and I was laying on the ground being drug up the trail . We went at least a hundred feet up the trail and I have no idea how far we would have gone if he hadn 't left the trail and I got hung up in the brush . I learned a few things about Pig that day . I figured he would be good at pulling a sled because dragging me behind him sure didn 't slow him down any . I also learned not to loop the leash over my wrist where I couldn 't let it go and I wasn 't sure about other animals but he was going to be a hell of a rabbit dog . I had to end our walk then and stumble back home . My shoulder wasA couple of days later when my shoulder was feeling a little better I decided I 'd take Joe out for his walk . He seemed to know it was his turn because he started jumping around and barking before I even got close to him with the leash . I was hoping he would calm done after I got the leash on him and we set out but his excitement just seemed to go up a few notches . He left the yard at pretty well walking on his back legs from straining at the leash . It wasn 't easy but not so bad until we got out of the yard and into the woods . Not only did he strain and pull at the leash but he tried to go every which way all at the same time . He would jerk my arm one way and before I could get set to pull him back he would head off in the opposite direction . We ended up going along with me leaning backward trying to hold him while he tried to sniff every tree bush and rock pile . In less than a mile I was more tired out than I had been with both the other dogs and had to turn back toward the cabin . It took a couple of hard pulls to get him turned around and headed back and I think he knew we were going back home . He quit jerking on the leash and came over to lick my hand and whine a little like he was saying he was sorry . If I hadn 't been so tired and my shoulder wasn 't hurting again I would have given in and kept going but as it was by the time I got back to the cabin all I could do was put him back on his chain , stumble into the cabin and lay on my bunk for a few hours . The last one was Sam and I have to say I was a little disappointed with that walk . I couldn 't complain about him being unruly or trying to drag me through the woods . All he did from the time I put the leash on him until we got back to the cabin was follow along behind me with his head down . I couldn 't even get him to walk beside me much less out in front . I started worrying that he might be sick or something . I started jogging up the trail and he had no problem picking up the pace and staying with me so I took off running as fast as I could and again , he kept pace with me . As soon as I stopped he plopped down on his butt and just stared at me . He was kind of an odd dog but for some reason I had the feeling you 'd be able to count on him if the need arose . I tried to spend as much time with the dogs as I could for the next two weeks . I 'd pet them and talk to them every morning when I fed them and at least twice a day I 'd give them a snack of smoked salmon . After a couple of walks I found that I could take Mike and Sam walking at the same time . They were both well behaved during the walks even though Sam would always walk behind Mike , Even if I tried to pull him up even with Mike he would just dig his feet in until I gave up then find his spot right behind Mike . With Pig and Joe there was no way I 'd be able to take both of them without having my arms jerked out of their sockets . I had been trying to get caught up with all the work that needed to be done around the cabin so I would have a completely free day and managed to that by the start of the third week . I woke up early that morning to a fresh snowfall which I thought was a good omen for what I had planned that day . I had already checked out the harnesses for the dogs and found that they didn 't look all that different from what you would use on a horse for pulling a plow back home . There was a breast harness with a belly strap connected to the collar and a chest harness attached to that . There were two pull ropes attached to the breast harness which were joined To tell you the truth I 'm not sure how this brilliant idea came to lodge in my pea brain . Even though I knew I had two dogs that I was totally unable to control when they were together I decided to hook all four of them together and take a leisurely stroll through the woods , and I thought this was a good plan . The way the harness was set up there would be two dogs in the front with the other two following them . Since I had decided that Mike seemed to be the natural leader and Sam was the second most well mannered one I would put them in the front . Plus for some reason I assumed that with the two well behaved dogs already attached the other two would follow their lead and settle right down . I hooked the ring at the end of the harness to a stake that I had driven in the ground . My plan was to get all the dogs harnessed , and then hook another small chain to the ring . Then I could slip the ring off the stake when I had them harnessed and was ready to go . Anyone who knows me will know how this plan worked out . The first part did go fairly well . I got Mike and Joe both into their harness without any problem . All they did was sniff at each other a few times . Next came Pig . At least I was smart enough to put his harness on while he was still chained up because it turned out to be area chore . Imagine trying to put a sweater on a ten year old kid that 's super hyper and wanting to jumped up and down while running circles around you . That would be almost as bad as trying to get that harness on Pig . With all that hassle it came as a big surprise when as soon as the harness was all the way on him he stopped acting crazy and other than a few jumps and wiggles he stood in his spot and looked around . Maybe it was because he thought the harness meant he was going to get to go somewhere . I don 't know but I sure wasn 't going to complain . Getting Sam harnessed wasn 't near as bad as I had thought it might be but he was the wild one once it was done . He kept pulling at the harness and dancing around . There was no doubt that he was readThere was at least one thing I kind of got right I used my hook on the end of the chain . This thing looked like some kind of grappling hook with three prongs ; it reminded me of the big treble hooks we used down home for fishing . According to James it was supposed to be the sled anchor so the dogs wouldn 't run off with it when I was stopped . For some odd reason I actually believed I 'd be able to control the dogs once they were all hooked together but just to be on the safe side I added the hook . All of them had tugged against the stake after I had I had gotten the harness on them but since they couldn 't go anywhere they were all just standing there in the traces looking back at me . As for me I was also just standing there looking at them . I had been about to slip the ring off when it dawned on me that I had no idea of how to handle a dog team . Taking an individual dog on a walk through the woods was a lot different than trying to get a team to do what you wanted . If I wanted one of them to stop I 'd just say stop and pull on the leash . How was I supposed to get a team to stop ? There were no reins on a dog team . Would they respond to " Stop " or maybe " Whoa " ? How did you get them to go in the direction you wanted ? Gee and Haw would work on a team of mules but would it mean anything to dogs ? The light finally came on in my little brain . I should have spent a lot more time picking the old timers brain about how to handle a team . I wouldn 't have been the same as actually training with someone who knew what they were doing but it would have at least answered some of the questions I found myself asking . As usual I had been too excited about the prospect of being Nanook of the north and picturing myself riding through the woods on a sled than thinking of the troubles I might be letting myself in for . Well , it was too late now . I guess I could have taken them back off the harness and waited for James to stop by the cabin so I could ask him if he knew anything about driving a team . The only problem with that would be that I 'd have to own up to the fact that I had spent good money on something that I knew absolutely nothing about . It would be the first time but that didn 't make it any easier to admit . Plus , I didn 't know when he would be by . We didn 't have a set time on when he stopped by . It all depended on when he got a fishing party or was going hunting . It could be the next day or it might be in two weeks . I knew he 'd be back at least a couple more times before the river froze up but my " know it all " brain over road my common since and I decided that since I had everything ready I might as well go ahead and give it a try . I mean after all , how hard could it be ? As I bent down to slip the ring off the stake the dogs turned to watch me and kind of tensed up . I got the ring off and stood back up to see if they were doing anything . They were still just standing there looking at me . I got a good hold of the grappling hook . I figured that since it had three prongs it would be the best thing to hang onto and if the dogs did get away from me all I would have to do was throw it on the ground . I forgot all about the mush thing I thought you were supposed to say to get the going and instead I just said " giddieup " . They stood there for a minute looking at me then looking across the yard at the trail , one more look at me and they " Gottieup ! " All of them lunged against their harnesses at the same time . I thought I was ready for it . I was wrong . I went off my feet face first and was being drug across the yard because I didn 't have enough since to let go of the chain . I did have the presence of mind to at least try and dig the hook into the ground but with the speed the dogs were doing the best I could do was dig a deep scratch across the yard . The dogs took a sharp left at the edge of the yard and headed up the trail . I would like to say I made the same turn with them but it was more like I was the end kid in a game of " crack the whip " . Not only did they throw me off the end of the chain but I rolled far enough down the bank that I ended up with my feet in the creek . The last of I saw of the dogs was Pig and Joes butts headed through the woods with the grappling hook bouncing along behind them . Needless to say ( but I will anyway ) that didn 't go exactly the way I had planned . I had torn the sleeve on my quilted coat and had a pretty good gash on my arm . One leg of my britches was torn most of the off and I had cuts and scratches from my ankle to my knee . When I was finally able to set up I realized my hat was gone and there was blood dripping in my eye . I took a few minutes to get rolled over to my hands and knees and even longer to stand up . My feet were so wet from being in the creek that once I did stand up I had water squirting out the tops of both . All I really wanted to do was go back in the cabin and lay down but I could hear the dogs barking up the trail . They must have gotten hung up by the grapple hook . I was really tempted to just leave them where they were while I went and lay down and waited for my head to quit swimming . I walked back up to the trail and cast a longing look at the cabin , but it was my fault the dogs were in whatever predicament they were in and now it sounded like they were fighting . Thankfully they hadn 't gone very far before the hook got caught in a big tree root . The brush was torn up on both sides of the trail where they had tried to get themselves unhooked but from the looks of it the more they had tried the more they had gotten tangled up . Mike was laying on his side with his collar tangled in a root . Pig was standing on top of him and Mike was trying to bite Pigs feet and legs to make him move , the problem was Pig was so wrapped up in the lead chain that he couldn 't move even if he 'd of wanted to . Joe and Sam were the least tangled but I needed to try and get Pig clear first before Mike managed to get a good bite on him . I waded into the middle of them trying to get to Pigs harness but I accidentally stepped on Mike so he immediately quit trying to bite Pigs feet and started in on mine . I was thankful that I had on some pretty thick boots because he got a couple of good bites in before I could get out of his way . I finally got them all untangled and spread out far enough to keep them from fighting but it sure wasn 't a fun way to spend the afternoon . Every time I had to bend over I felt like I was going to throw up and I kept getting dizzy spells . I had the leash in my pocket . I 'm not sure why I even brought it but I sure was glad I did . I had to unhook them from the harness and walk them back to the cabin one at a time . By the time I got all four of them back to the cabin and chained up I was seeing double and my head was killing me . My feet felt like they were frozen from wearing the wet boots and the cut on my arm had soaked most of my coat sleeve with blood . The problem with living out by yourself is that you have to do things no matter how you felt and I couldn 't just chain them up and go lay down , first I had to feed and water them and I still needed to spend a couple of minutes with each of them to let them know they were good dogs and it wasn 't their fault . It was over four hours from the time I hit the ground before I was able to stagger back into the cabin and get my boots offI spent the next week trying to do all the work around the cabin one armed , again . We had a good snow that week , at least a couple of feet . The dogs seemed to like the little dog houses I had built , at least they stayed in them most nights . Feeding them was not a problem but we were in the weather where I had to melt snow to give them water . I spent a lot of that week sitting on the porch worrying about my arm . After four days I didn 't see any red marks coming from the cut and began to breathe a little easier . I figured I 'd be able to pull the stitches in another couple of days , something I wasn 't looking forward to . The rest of my sitting time I spent thinking about how little I really knew about taking care of a dog team . Believe me it took most of that week to just catalog all the things I didn 't know and only about fifteen minutes to go through what I did know . I figured James would be able to make at least one more trip before the river froze and I had to decide what I was going to do before his final trip . In my daydreams I could still see me running my trap line using the sled and the team . It was a real tempting dream but I was going to have to face the reality sooner or later and the reality was could I really take care of four dogs during the coming winter ? Somewhere during that winter I was going to have to supply meat for them because I didn 't have near enough dog food to last them all winter nor could I afford to buy enough . I was planning on getting one moose to go along with my smoked fish and what rabbits I could get just to last me through the winter . The dogs would mean I 'd need to get at least two and I couldn 't guarantee that I was even going to get the one for me . But , damn , I wanted that team and sled ! I pulled the stitches on the ninth day . I might have waited a couple of days too many because they damn sure made my eyes water when I yanked them out . Now it was time to decide what I was going to do and I knew there was no way I was going to give up without trying them out pulling the sled . There was a good three feet of snow on the ground when I decided to give it one more try . Another thing that I had thought of during my week off was what kind of snow was the best for a sled ? You could get soft snow where you would sink to your knees if you tried to walk in it or you could get snow that froze after falling and leave a nice crust on top . If the snow froze during the night and then you got more snow the next day you would have a crust on top of the first layer which was sometimes hard enough to walk on . During the week I was off we had several snow falls so there was a crust pretty well between each . I didn 't know if that was good or bad but I just didn 't have the time or the knowledge to wait . I got up early that next morning and went out to feed them a good meal . I spent the next hour packing the sled . I was hoping this trip was going to go well so I packed enough to last at least three days . Back out to get the dogs harnessed . I went thru pretty well the same routine as the first time . I put Mike up front again . I at least knew that there were lead dogs that went to the front of the team but I had forgotten to ask the old timer which dog that was so why did I put Mike in front ? He looked like a full blood husky to me so I figured he should be the lead dog . Did that make since ? Maybe not to someone who knew what they were doing but it made since to me . I finally got them all harnessed with the ring over the stake , again . This time I moved the sled close enough to hook the traces to it . I hooked the grappling hook to the back of the sled . I swear the dogs knew this trip was going to be different because they were all jumping around , barking and lunging against their harness . I will admit that they probably knew more about what was going on than I did . I went back up to the porch and had another cup of coffee while I built up my nerve to try this one more time . I finally built my nerve up enough to go down , stand on the sled runners and slip the ring off the stake . Before I could say a word the dogs immediately started to pull . I started leaning to the right , like that would do any good and yelling " GEE " . It surprised me to no end that they actually started to turn to the right ! I was so surprised that I just stood there in wonder until I realized that now we were headed for the creek . I yelled " Haw " and sure enough they started turning to the right . Hell , maybe the old timer had been a mule skinner after all . One thing I was really happy about was that the sled had a brake . It was a simple brake but it wasn 't all that simple to use . There was a bar attached to the back of the sled that had a couple of prongs , one at each end . It had metal pieces at each end that were drilled and attached to the sled with a couple of bolts with the bar being held up with a couple of buggy cords . All you had to do was step on the bar and it would dig the prongs into the snow and slow you down , not too hard to explain how it worked but it proved to be a lot harder to make it work . The sled runners had what looked like a couple of pieces of bicycle tires on the top for you to stand on and trying to lift your foot of them and step down on the brake bar without falling off was a lot easier said than done . I had to learn quickly though because by the time we had reached the edge of the yard those dogs were starting to pick up speed . The first time I tried to use the brake my other foot slipped off the runner and I found myself hanging on to the top bar for dear life and trying to run to keep up with the sled . Now I 'm not a runner , never have been and never will be and trying to run behind a dog team while you 're wearing heavy boots , enough cloths to keep warm and a big quilted parka is really hard ! Plus while I was trying to keep up I was also trying to hop on one leg while trying to stomp on the brake bar with the other . I 'm glad that they didn 't have reality shows and that there was no one I had to go up and get them untangled after my unscheduled stop . The problem was with the brake . As soon as I took my foot off it , it popped back up which meant that if the dogs decided to take off while I was getting them sorted out there would be nothing to stop them . I actually stood there for a few minutes with my brain sparking trying to think of some way I could keep them from running off before I remembered the grappling hook . Duh , I was really batting a thousand that day . I took the hook and stomped one of the prongs into the snow and prayed that would hold them . Once I got them sorted out I put the hook back on the rail and off we went again . After a couple of mile I kind of had the brake problem figured out and I was getting better at just mashing it down enough to slow them without stopping them . To tell the truth I was starting to feel a little cocky . Now that I was getting the hang of it I didn 't think this was going to be a problem and was giving myself hell for being worried about it . We were cruising along the trail ( slowly ) , the dogs were pulling well and I really didn 't think this driving a dog them was all that hard . I was already thinking about my next trip and how much I could load in the sled and how long of a trip I could make when we broke out of the woods and started across a large clearing and the dogs started picking up speed again . I was so busy daydreaming that it caught me by surprise and I almost fell of the runners again . I was trying to watch where we were going and step on the brake bar at the same time . The first time I step for the bar I missed and rammed my foot back in the snow almost pulling myself off . The team was heading off to the left toward where I knew there was a beaver pond and I yelled " Gee " to get them to straighten back out , but that was wrong and now they were really turning to the left . Now I was about half panicked and could not for the life of me remember the simple word to make them turn right . Thankfully the snow was a lot deeper and softer in the clearing I quit daydreaming and starting paying a lot more attention . I kept the pace a lot slower the rest of the day . Late that afternoon I started looking for a camping spot . I figured we were about ten miles from the cabin . I wasn 't going anywhere in particular so there was no rush and I could stop any place I wanted . I set up camp at the edge of a patch of woods and the first thing I did was stake the dogs out and feed them . I strung a rope between two tress and hooked there chains to it . I was a little worried about them not having any kind of shelter even though I knew they were outside dogs . I gathered as much fire wood as I could and built the fire close enough that I hoped they would be able to get at least a little of the heat . My bed that night was just some pine boughs on the snow and my sleeping bag . I had a small tent with me but did feel like messing with putting it up that night . My bag was good to about thirty below and I didn 't think it was going to get near that cold . I lay awake for quite awhile that night going back over the entire trip and trying to think of anything I needed to do different . It got a bit colder that night than I had planned on even though I still slept warm and snug in my bag . It had snowed some more during the night and then frozen so there was a nice ice crust on the bag when I crawled out of it that morning . I worried more about the dogs when I looked over at the area where I had staked them . All I could see were fours mounds in the snow but as soon as I hollered at them all four dogs came popping up out of the snow seeming no worse for the wear . As cold as it was that morning and with the weather looking like it might blow up a storm I figured I 'd better head back to the cabin instead of taking a chance on being caught out with the dogs . I had brought enough food to last them at least four days but I 'd seen storms that could last most of a week and just didn 't want to take the chance . I dug my pan out and melted enough snow to give them plenty of water and after a couple of cupI finally got them rigged up and pointed the right way . I climbed on the runners , got a good hold on the cross bar , yelled Mush ( I remembered the right word ) and we headed off toward home . I think it was because of the crust on the snow that morning ; I 'm not sure but for whatever reason the dogs seemed to pick up speed a little quicker . Maybe it was just because they knew we were going home and were in a hurry to get there . After a mile or so I was getting a little full of myself thinking I had finally gotten the hang of this and I let them pick up more speed . I had been really careful the day before and had spent most of the day riding the brake . Now that I felt like I knew what I was doing I was enjoying the fell of speeding across the snow so I kept my foot away from the brake and yelled for them to go even faster . I know there are people that really do know what they 're doing and are able to let dog teams run as fast as they can for as long as they can , even teams that were twice the size of mine , unfortunately I wasn 't one of them . I don 't know how fast we were going when all of a sudden the dogs jogged really hard to the left . Of course the sled made that same jog but I can 't say the same for me . The sled leaned up on one runner and I was sure it was going to fall over . More importantly my foot slipped off the runner and my hands were slipping on the bar . The next thing I knew I had a face full of snow . I had lost my grip on the bar and ended up ten or fifteen feet to the side of the trail . I pushed myself on my hands and looked for the sled . The good news was that it hadn 't turned over ; the bad news was that it was three fourths of the way across the meadow and did show any signs of slowing down . I was yelling for the dogs to stop all the time I was getting back to my feet but by the time I was able to stand they were gone . I could hear them barking back in the trees and was hoping they would stop but the barking just kept fading away into the distance . Unless the sled got stuck in the brush or turned overI was facing a serious problem . I was wearing some good cold weather gear but other than a belt knife and my pistol that 's about all I had . I did have some smokes which meant I also had a lighter but no food , no shelter ; even my show shoes had been stored in the sled . I figured I was about nine miles from the cabin which is a nice easy walk down home in the summer time but when there 's about three feet of snow on the ground the temptiture is hanging out in the twenty 's and it looks like there 's another storm blowing in it seems a lot farther . At least the dogs had broken a pretty good trail so I wouldn 't have to plow through virgin snow . There wasn 't any reason to stand around thinking about it so I ducked my head and started walking . At least the dogs knew where they were going . I followed their trail all the way back to the cabin . I kept expecting to find the sled overturned and all of them standing in the trail around every bend but apparently they knew a lot more about traveling in the snow than I did . I finally came staggering to the cabin about midnight . I was soaked pretty well from head to toe and about frozen and there they were , lying out by their dog houses , with the sled standing behind them like they had parked it on purpose . No matter how cold I was or how hard it was to get my fingers working I had to unhook them from the sled and get them back on their chains . Then I had to feed them and build a fire so I could melt snow water . I took me about three times longer than normal because I was so tired and cold . I was at least smart enough to have melted extra water and left some of it to boil for coffee . That was a really rough night trying to get thawed out . I felt really bad the next day , my head was killing me , I felt like I was running a temptiture just generally aching all over but the dogs woke me with their barking just after sun rise . I did not want to get up . What I wanted more than anything in the world right then was to just spend the day in my bunk sleeping . I guess I could have done that as long as Ii didn 't mind the sled sitting outside still loaded or the dogs going without food or water . Needless to say I drug my sorry butt out of bed and went out to do my chores . I spent the next couple of days recovering and thinking about my dog team . I hated to admit it but I really had no idea what I was doing and even though I had learned a lot of things through the trial and error method I Just wasn 't sure about this one . Falling off the sled didn 't turn out as bad as it could have but I was looking at winter coming on and could expect to be alone for the next three to four months . I was also planning on doing some trapping that winter which is why I wanted the dogs to start with . The main thing I was worried about was that a nine mile hike during the fall weather was bad enough , what would happen during that winter if I screwed up again ? I could keep the dogs as just pets and try to practice more with the following summer . The bad thing with that idea was I knew myself a little too well and seeing that sled just setting in the yard all winter would drive me crazy and I had already made a couple of bad screw ups , I may not come out so well the next time . After a full week of going from " yes , I 'm going to keep them " to " no , I really don 't think I should " James showed up one morning . He had brought some supplies and decided to stay for lunch before heading on down the river . Over lunch I went through all the trials and tribulations I had been having with the dogs . He thought it was kind of funny and let me know that he hadn 't been sure what I was doing all the way back to when I ask him to bring them to the cabin for me . He said he really didn 't see any way I was going to learn how to handle a team and sled by the time winter set in but he didn 't want to butt in . I guess he was telling the truth because he dropped a bombshell on me then . He knew some people in Circle that knew not only how to work a team but also knew this team and would be more than happy to buy them from me . The way he talked , I 'd even be able to make a little profit from selling them . He had to finish his run down river but told me he would stop by the next day to see what I thought of the idea . I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the dogs and trying to make up my mind . By the next day I had it figure out . When James came back by I sprung my plan on him . I would sell the sled , all the tack and three of the dogs : I would keep one of them with me as just a pet . I thought it was a great plan but James let me know that it was an all or nothing deal . I ended up talking him into spending the night while I thought it over . We ended up loading all the dogs and gear on his boat the next morning . Even with the short time I had them it was like saying goodbye to friends . I hated to let them go but I had to own up to the fact that since I didn 't know what I was doing it would be a danger not only to me but to the dogs as well . Plus , I have no idea how I would have been able to pick just one of them to stay . So my great plan of being a dog musher in the great north came to an end as I watched Pig and Joe bouncing and barking around the back of James 's boat as he headed back down the creek . Anyone have any down home recipes ? Trying to put together a Down Home Cookbook . I need ideas on most anything like deer jerky , fixing possum . fish of any kind , squirrels , coons , road kill , what ever tasted good ? Please send ! !

Email Address : tbotsauthor @ yahoo . com * * DISCLAIMER : I own the rights to this story 100 % . This story contains strong sexual content between minors ( boy - boy ) , mature language , and some violence . If you are offended by this sort of material , please do NOT read any further . If you are underage ( < 18 ; < 21 in some areas ) , please do NOT read any further . All characters , main setting , and places or people mentioned within Baton Rouge , Louisiana ; Dallas , Texas ; Salina , Kansas ; are completely , 100 % fictional . If you find similarities between this story or any characters in this story in comparison to some place or someone in real life or other stories you may have read anywhere else , these circumstances are purely coincidental and do NOT reflect the intentions of the author of this story . * * Hey everyone . This story is something I 've been thinking about lately . I 'm going to do whatever I can to make sure this story is genuine and is written well . All comments and criticisms are more than welcome . You can just email me at this email address : tbotsauthor @ yahoo . com . If I don 't get back to you right away or at all for some reason , don 't be offended . I will make an effort to reply to as many emails as I can , but I would like to spend as much of my free time as possible actually writing the story . I appreciate all the emails I received for the first chapter . I certainly wasn 't expecting that . Anyway , this second chapter was a little slow honestly , but the main characters are now set up and the story is ready to really take flight after this . I hope you 're enjoying the story so far . Thanks ! Previously . . . Finally , Logan felt one last beat of Jesse 's heart . A few seconds later , the machine flatlined . The beeping became one steady , continual hum . Jesse 's breathing ceased . The life floated out of his body in a split second . Logan 's crying increased as the realization took over him that his brother now gone forever . Logan let go of his brother 's hand , turned around , and buried his face in his father 's chest , crying with all of his might . Richard , too , was crying softly . " Logan , this is Jack Haynes , a dear friend of mine and your grandfather 's from Twillingate Shore , " Ruth told her grandson . " And this is his son , Cody . You 've met both of them before the last time you came to my house , but you were only seven or eight years old back then . " " Nice to meet you , guys , " Logan said respectfully as he shook hands with them . " Man , you look just like Jesse did when we were your age , " Cody said as he and Logan shook hands . " Me and Jesse hung out together a lot when you guys would come up to Oregon . I don 't know if you remember that or not . " Suddenly , it clicked in Logan 's mind exactly who this boy was . He remembered this boy very well now , in fact . He actually never expected to see this boy again , but here he was right in front of him . " Oh yeah , " Logan said . " Now I remember you . You were the one who helped Jesse lock me up in Grandma 's cedar chest the last time we were there . " " Mmm , yeah , something from the last summer we came out there , " Logan said with his arms crossed . " About three years ago , I guess ? " " What is it ? " Cody asked . Cody 's eyes widened suddenly . The two boys stared at each other in total silence for what seemed like forever . Logan couldn 't believe he had just let those words slip . He had never spoken of it out loud to anyone before , not even Jesse . Logan stood in his empty bedroom , Jesse 's blue monkey in his arms , still finding it difficult to imagine his life away from Baton Rouge , away from his friends , away from Sophia , away from everything he knew and loved . He had been dreading this day ever since Jesse died three months ago . While his grandmother was in town for Jesse 's funeral , Logan 's father came up with this brilliant plan : Sophia could retire from being a nanny and move to Shreveport to be with her daughter and son - in - law , to help them raise their baby girl , and Logan 's dad would give Sophia a twenty year severance pay worth seventy - five percent of her current salary . Richard would sell the Baton Rouge mansion and buy a condominium in Portland , Oregon and work primarily at the Portland office from now on . And Logan would be moving in with his grandmother in Twillingate Shore , Oregon , because Richard 's job always required him to be able to travel for business and he said Logan would be better off with his grandmother and the rest of the family in the town he grew up in . Logan was thoroughly pissed off with his father 's decision . He absolutely hated the idea of moving to Oregon . He loved Louisiana . He loved Sophia . He loved everything about his life in Baton Rouge . But now he would be moving away from his life and be forced to adapt to the country life his father led as a child . Staring at his empty bedroom , Logan wanted to cry again . But after the past three months , he discovered his tear well had finally dried up . Now , all that was left was anger . His older cousin close to Twillingate Shore was a horrible person . His uncle was a total douche - bag . His aunt was a white trash bitch . They lived in a trailer park in the white trash town down the road from Twillingate Shore called Vernon . His older cousin Gill was a troublemaker to say the very least . Logan loved his grandmother though . She was possibly the sweetest woman in the world up next to Sophia anyway . And it would just be the two of them in his grandmother 's big house next to Twillingate Lake . " You about ready ? " Richard asked . " Then let 's not go anywhere at all then , Dad ! " Logan argued . " You heard Sophia the other night . She said herself she wishes things didn 't have to change so fast . " " Buddy , she wants to be in Shreveport with her family now , " Richard said . " You know she loves you more than anything , but she has a family of her own to take care of . She 's getting older , sport , and she wants to be with her family now . " " Logan , we 've gone over this a hundred times . Sophia has done her part . She 's been working for me for over eighteen years now . And in that amount of time , she hasn 't had that many opportunities to be with her family , especially since your mother left the way she did after you were born . Sophia had to stay here all the time and take care of you kids like a mother is supposed to do . She 's dealt with more than her fair share and it 's her time to be able to relax and enjoy the rest of her life . " " But I 'm going to miss her too much , " Logan said , now softly crying . He could 've sworn his tear well had dried up by now . He had been crying incessantly since Jesse 's death . He couldn 't understand how one person could cry that much . He felt like a wimp . " Buddy , please don 't cry , " Richard said as he got down on his knees in front of Logan , holding both of the boys ' hands in his own . " I know all of this has been so hard for you , buddy . And it breaks my heart to see you in this much pain . " " I wanna stay with you and Sophia , Dad , " Logan said as he cried angrily . " I don 't want to move in with Grandma . I don 't wanna be around Uncle Dickweed and Aunt Bitch . " Richard rolled his eyes at the familiar choice names Logan had used for his sister and his brother - in - law . But he knew it wouldn 't be fair to scold him for it though . After all , it was he who had started using those particular names years before . When Jesse was old enough to understand those words , he picked up on it and began calling them that as well . Now Logan was just keeping up the tradition . Perhaps it was Beth 's and Dixon 's faults for being horrible , white trash people . Or for having names that could be changed into curse words so easily . Richard was beginning to wonder how Logan would be able to deal with living that close to his sister and her brat . Beth was always ridiculing Richard for something . He knew it was always out of jealousy though . Richard had taken his father 's advice and gone to college , made something of himself , and was now quite wealthy , just like his own parents were . His younger sister , on the other hand , got pregnant with Gill and then got married at eighteen to Dixon Craig , the known moron who worked at the town garage . As far as Richard knew , Dixon still worked at the garage . He and Beth now had some six or seven pit - bulls and they lived in a mobile home in Vernon , which was a very poor , trashy town . And god only knew what Gill was up to now . He had to be in his early twenties by now . " Okay , buddy , let 's not refer to your aunt and uncle like that , " Richard said . Logan 's crying began to die down finally . The boy wiped his tears away with the smooth skin of his bare forearm . " Dad , why did this have to happen ? " the boy asked pathetically , his crying starting up all over again . " I don 't know , " Richard said honestly . " Logan , sometimes , we don 't always know why things happen , good or bad . I don 't understand why I had to lose one of my boys . I don 't understand what happened between me and your mother to make her choose to leave me and the two of you the way she did . I don 't understand what I ever did in life to deserve the sweetest , most adorable , loving little boys God ever created as my sons . And I don 't understand what I did to deserve Sophia as the nanny of my children , because Lord knows no other woman on this earth could have done a better job helping me raise my boys . Sport , in life , good things and bad things happen all the time . When something horrible is happening to one person , something miraculous is happening to someone else at the same time . The very day we lost Jesse , I spoke to a new father in the cafeteria and his baby girl was born two months premature in the same hospital on the same day . They weren 't sure if she would make it or not . I found out later that that little girl made it . She 's alive and well today . Something miraculous happened to that family even though we were just down the hallways having to say goodbye to Jesse . " My point is , buddy , the wheels of life never stop turning . As my mother , your grandmother , always told me when I was a kid , God never shuts one door without opening another one . I want you to always remember that , buddy . Keep that in your heart . You lost your big brother . It hurts , I know . I 've lost my son . I can 't imagine what it 's like to lose a big brother . Jesse was your hero , wasn 't he ? " Logan nodded , tears streaming down his face endlessly . Richard pulled the boy in and hugged him tightly . Logan wrapped his arms loosely around his dad 's neck and cried on his shoulder once again . It pained Richard in ways he could have never imagined to have the endure the sight of his son crying and hurting so badly . He wished beyond his own soul that he could reach into his boy 's young heart and simply filter out all the pain for him . The father and son hugged one another tightly inside Logan 's empty bedroom for a little while longer until Logan 's crying subsided and he was finally able to calm down . Sophia was standing inside Jesse 's empty room one last time . She knew within the next hour she would have to say goodbye to the Henderson 's and move on with her life , which was a feat she wasn 't sure she could overcome easily . She just couldn 't believe how quickly the last eighteen years had flown by , the like within the blink of an eye . She gazed over at the corner of the room next to the window , where Jesse 's colorful beanbag chairs had been lying only a few days before . Her vivid memory was messing with her reality . She could practically see a thirteen year old Jesse on the floor in front of those beanbag chairs , tickling his seven year old brother Logan mercilessly . Logan was laughing so hard that he could barely breathe ; that sweet , innocent little boy laugh that could steal the beating heart of any mother listening to it . " You want some more tickle torture ! ? " she could hear Jesse asking the little boy as he continued tickling him . " Je - Jesse , p - p - please . . . stop ! " Logan called out between his sweet laugh . " I 'll do a - an - anything ! ! " " Uh - oh , the second tickle monster 's here ! ! " Jesse called out enthusiastically , right before stabbing his little brother 's armpit with the fingers of his free hand . Logan and Jesse were both laughing harder than ever now . Jesse was so busy laughing that he couldn 't concentrate on the tickle torture against his brother . Sophia watched this display of brotherly love with a heart full of joy , a deep contentment that could never be relinquished . Jesse and Logan disappeared . The sweet laughs faded away into the ghostly air of the empty bedroom . There was nothing there now . Just a window . An empty bedroom corner . The sun was shining through brightly , which seemed somehow inappropriate . Sophia began to cry softly as she looked at empty bedroom . She reached into her purse and grabbed a tissue out of the side pocket . She dabbed her eyes with the tissue and then blew her nose . So many memories . Where did the time go ? Sophia stuffed the used tissue into her purse pocket and turned around to face Logan and Richard , who were standing side by side in the entrance to Jesse 's empty bedroom . My god , Logan 's going to look just like his daddy in twenty - five years , Sophia thought to herself . Up until now , she had never noticed just how much the boys resembled their father . Logan would someday stop looking like an adorable little boy with pinchable cheeks . After that , he 'd look so handsome and distinguished , just like his father . Sophia sometimes secretly wished she was a little younger than her fifty - six years . Perhaps then she and Richard would have been able to marry and raise the boys together as a happily married couple . But it wasn 't meant to be that way . She wasn 't in love with Richard . And he wasn 't in love with her . Those sorts of things could only work out on movies or in books , not in real life . " Oh , there you are , my sweet , darling boy , " Sophia said , her charming southern accent seeming all the more strong now . She pulled Logan into her caring arms and they embraced one another with a passion they had never known before with one another . " Oh , I declare , I just can 't believe I won 't be sending you off on the bus to school in the mornings anymore . Or fixing your lunches . Or washing your clothes . Oh , I 'm gonna miss you so much , darling . " " I 'm gonna miss you too , Sophia , " Logan said pathetically . Sophia broke off the hug , grasped him firmly by the upper arms , and stared affectionately into the young boy 's deep , ocean blue eyes . " Now , listen , honey , " Sophia said . " You come down to Shreveport whenever you can to see me , you hear ? " " I will , Sophia . I promise . " " And I gave you my new home phone number , so you best call me at least once or twice a week to let me know how you 're doing , you understand ? " " Yes ma ' am . I 'll call you every week . " Sophia pulled the boy in for one more hug . With that , Richard walked over and joined in . This was one of many countless group hugs Sophia had participated in here at the Henderson household . And this would be the very last group hug in this house . Richard , Logan , and Sophia were going through the entire house , making sure that they had everything packed and stuffed into the moving trucks , that they didn 't leave anything behind . Richard had arranged for all of Sophia 's belongings to be driven to Shreveport and unloaded by movers so she wouldn 't have to do anything by herself . Richard had rented the largest moving truck available to drive to Oregon . Fortunately , everything he wanted to take with him was able to fit into the truck , including all of Logan 's furniture and belongings that he was taking with him to Twillingate Shore . Richard had also rented a smaller moving truck for Sophia , in which movers would follow her to Shreveport and unload all of her belongings for her . Once they were sure nothing was left behind , the three of them exited the house for the final time . Richard locked the front door and then took the house key from his key ring . With that , he placed his and Sophia 's house keys under a large rock in the flower bed for the new owners who would be arriving sometime soon to make this house their own . When Richard turned around , he saw Sophia and Logan standing hand in hand in the front yard staring up at the house together . He walked over and joined them . " Well guys , I guess this is it , " Richard said . " Seems so unreal , " Sophia said calmly . She turned around to face Logan , a melancholy smile draped across her face . She gently ran her hand over the boy 's smooth cheek and then through his long , blond hair . " You be a good boy , you hear ? " " I will , " Logan said softly . " Make sure to eat all of your vegetables at dinner , " Sophia said . " Don 't be staying up too late on school nights . Wear clean socks every day . " Logan chuckled . " I promise , " Logan said . Logan leaned in and hugged his nanny tightly , and Sophia hugged him back lovingly . She just couldn 't imagine not seeing this sweet boy every day anymore . " You show those Oregonians how great of a boy you are , you understand ? " Sophia said as she hugged the boy closely . Logan simply nodded his head as he continued to hug his nanny . After they finished hugging , Sophia turned around to face Richard . They smiled at one another sadly and then stalwartly embraced one another . " Sophia , I don 't even know where to start , " Richard said as he hugged her . Once the hug ended , they continued to hold one another 's hands , both of them staring into each other 's eyes . " You 've done so much for me and my boys , " Richard said . " You 've been their mother for so long now . I don 't even know how to repay you for something like that . " " Oh , I think the twenty - year severance pay is beyond enough , " Sophia said . " Oh no , that 's the least I can do , " Richard said . " If you ever need anything , Sophia , anything at all , you give me a call and I 'll be there for you , just like you 've been here for me and the boys for all these years . " With that , Richard and Sophia hugged one more time . Logan sauntered over and joined the two of them in this one final group hug . Afterward , Sophia wiped the tears away from her eyes using a tissue as she took a few steps backward in the direction of her car , the Mercedes that had been Richard 's just last week . He had simply given the car to her as bon voyage present . When she made it to her car , she opened the car door and then looked back at Richard and Logan , that bright smile of hers illuminating the summer sky . " I love you both so very much ! " Sophia said loud enough for them to hear . " We love you too ! " Logan said as he waved to her . Sophia blew them both a kiss and then sat down in the car . And just like that , she started the car and drove away , the movers in the smaller truck following closely behind her . Logan and Richard stood in the front yard watching as Sophia drove further and further down the street until , finally , she was out of sight . " Well , buddy , we better get going , " Richard said with a light tap to Logan 's bare upper arm . He was wearing a sleeveless shirt . " We have about forty hours of road time ahead of us , so we best get started . " " Okay , " Logan said with a sigh . Logan walked over to the passenger side of the large moving - truck . He opened the door and climbed up into the passenger 's seat . He didn 't sit down yet . He stood on the side , balancing himself on the open door , taking one final look at the house , the house in which had grown up . He could slightly see inside Jesse 's bedroom window . He had an almost absolute awareness that Jesse was somehow standing by that window watching them leave . If Jesse was actually standing there , then he and Logan were now looking into each other 's eyes . Richard told Logan to get in and shut the door . He was already firing up the ignition of the large truck . Logan sat down in his seat and shut the door , still staring at the house through the window . This was the last time he would ever see the house as his own . If he ever saw it again , it would belong to someone else . It would never be his house again . The truck began to move forward . The house began to fade out of Logan 's sight . The truck sped up . Logan stretched his neck around as far as he could to keep his sight locked in on the house . Finally though , the house was completely out of sight , just like Sophia was now completely out of sight . Twenty minutes later , at sixty miles an hour on the highway , Baton Rouge was completely out of sight , with nothing out of ahead of him except the open road that would eventually lead them to his new home - Twillingate Shore . Roughly nine hours had passed since Logan was forced to say goodbye to his life in Baton Rouge . Within nine hours , Logan had managed to utter less than five words the entire time . His father had consistently tried to ask him questions or start up a conversation , but Logan rarely responded . The few times he did , he stuck to " yes , " " no , " or a simple grunt . Now , as they were entering the huge city of Dallas , Texas , both Logan and Richard were getting tired . They had traveled almost non - stop since they left Baton Rouge earlier that afternoon , except to take a couple of bathroom breaks and pick up a quick dinner from McDonalds . Now , midnight was quickly approaching and Richard felt as if he might fall asleep at the wheel if he attempted to keep going . Logan 's eyes almost began to hurt with all the bright lights around Dallas . He knew Dallas was big , but he didn 't remember it being this big . Richard pulled the truck into a hotel parking lot finally . Logan felt so exhausted already . He almost couldn 't stomach the idea of traveling all day long tomorrow and at least half a day the day after . Richard parked the moving - truck at the front of the hotel . He told Logan to stay in the truck while he went inside to see about booking them a room for the night . A few minutes later , while Logan was twisting some strands of his longish blond hair with his index finger , just like some girl he 'd seen on television doing once , Richard came back to the truck and said he was able to get them a room for the night there . Richard was instructed by the hotel assistant manager to park the large moving - truck to the side of the building next to the side door , so that the truck would be on the hotel 's cameras in case anyone decided to try breaking into the truck in the middle of the night . After Richard parked the truck where he had been told to park it , he and Logan grabbed their overnight bags and headed towards the side door of the hotel . The assistant manager was standing just inside waiting for them . A younger man of probably thirty years o " You sure the truck will be okay there all night ? " Richard asked the younger man . " Oh sure , we 've done this many times before , " the cute , dorky man said reassuringly . " We have a full night staff here who go in and out constantly and we always have someone upstairs watching the cameras . If anything was to happen , we 'd have the cops here quicker than you can say ' How bout them Cowboys ? ' " " Oh yes , here 's the key to your room , " the man said as he handed Richard the plastic key to the hotel room . " Your room number is 1202 on the twelfth floor . Breakfast here starts at seven and ends at eleven . Checkout time is at noon . " With that , Richard and Logan made their way to the elevators . They took the elevator to the twelfth floor and their room was very simple to find , since it just happened to be right across the hallway from the elevators . They went into their room , which was actually much nicer than either of them had expected , particularly Richard who had paid for the room already . There was a big window that overlooked the entire downtown region of Dallas . It was very nice . Logan liked the tall skyscraper with the green lights all the way up and down the corners and on the roof . " Wow , " Richard said . " The city sure looks beautiful from all the way up here . " " Hmm , you 're finally talking to me now ? " Richard asked hopefully . " No , " Logan said simply . Richard rolled his eyes . " Look , buddy , you know , we only have this trip to Twillingate Shore left together and then we may not see each other again for several months , " Richard said as he walked over and sat down next to his son on the bed . " You know ? I mean , once I get settled in Portland , I 'll be going back to work . Which means I 'll be going back to doing a lot of business trips . " " Sport , I don 't want to leave you in Twillingate Shore with us on bad terms , you understand ? " Richard said . " I know this whole arrangement is tough . I won 't disagree with you on that . And you may not get why I 'm doing this to you now , but someday you 'll understand . You know , your grandmother 's really excited about having you there with her . When I spoke to her on the phone the other day , she was asking me what your favorite desserts are and what kind of games you like to play and all sort of things like that . " " Really ? " Logan asked , seemingly surprised . " Yeah , you bet , sport , " Richard said . " Your grandmother thinks the world of you . She couldn 't be happier that you 're coming there to live with her . You know , she 's been pretty lonely in that big house of hers all by herself since Grandpa died . This living arrangement will be good for both you and your grandmother , I think . " Logan didn 't respond . He just stared down at his knees intently , as if there were a couple of crickets dancing on them . " Dad . . . " Logan started . Richard looked at his son sympathetically , wishing he could relieve his son of the pain he was experiencing . He reached over and patted Logan on the back comfortingly , not sure what else to do . There was honestly nothing he could say or do to make the boy feel better . This was simply one of those times in which he would have to let nature run its course . Logan would eventually come to terms with Jesse 's death . It would just take some time . After all , Jesse had been such a primary person in this young boy 's life . And now he was gone forever , leaving his little brother here to fend for himself . Later that night , while Richard was fast asleep in his bed , Logan lay awake in his bed , staring out the window at the well - lit city of Dallas , Jesse 's blue monkey cradled safely in his young arms . All Logan could think about was his older brother , his impending new life in Twillingate Shore , having had to part ways with Sophia and eventually with his own father . How had his life changed so drastically so fast ? All because of the death of his brother . There was a secret part of Logan that wished he could blame all of this change on his brother , as if Jesse had purposely planned this as some kind of overdo revenge plot that brothers sometimes carried out on one another . He knew that wasn 't even remotely close to true , but he sometimes wanted to believe it . At the same time though , he tried everything he knew to hold onto Jesse . If it meant carrying around a stuffed blue monkey everywhere he went , or sleeping next to a pile of Jesse 's underwear , or keeping the rolled up pair of socks that he had originally planned on putting on Jesse 's feet the night of his accident , he would do all of the above and more with no qualms about any of it . He just missed his brother more than anything . Logan was also beginning to wonder how he would face Cody Haynes when he arrived in Twillingate Shore . Obviously , after he had popped off at the older boy the way he did at Jesse 's wake three months before , he never thought he would have to see the bThe Next Evening Richard and Logan had somehow managed to travel from Dallas , Texas all the way up to Salina , Kansas , having only taken one stop for lunch and a bathroom break . By the time they arrived into Salina though , both of them were exhausted . It was only four o ' clock in the afternoon , but they decided to stop for an early dinner at a small hamburger joint in town . As soon as they walked into the small diner , Logan traipsed off to the bathroom as quick as he could . He had been holding it ever since Oklahoma City . Richard ordered some hamburger baskets for both of them and then took the food over to an isolated booth in the far corner of the small restaurant . Logan came out of the bathroom and joined him at the table within a few minutes . " Well , heavens to Betsy , I was beginning to think you 'd fallen in , boy , " Richard said jokingly as he spread mustard on the hamburger bun with a plastic butter knife . Logan just gave him a " whatever " sort of look and took a bite of one of his fries . " So , I figure we 'll at least try to make it to Denver by tonight and then we 'll call it a day , " Richard said . " It 'll probably be at least another seven or eight hours to Denver . You think you 're up for that , buddy ? " " Sure , " Logan said simply . " You 're the one driving . I can go to sleep anytime I want to on the road . " " Yeah , I guess you 're right about that , " Richard said halfheartedly . " Smart guy . We 're running behind schedule though . I told your grandmother we 'd be there around seven tomorrow . Doesn 't look like we 're gonna make it that soon . " " How long will it take then ? " Logan asked before taking a bite of his hamburger . " Well , it 's about . . . probably around 1 , 200 miles from Denver to Twillingate Shore , so we 'll probably have to stay at another hotel tomorrow night and just get to your grandmother 's on Sunday afternoon at some point , " Richard said . " Not sure what I was thinking when I said we could be there by tomorrow . I forgot how much slower we 'd have to drive with all this crap we 're carrying . " Richard just looked up at his son without saying anything , an expression of near anger draped across his face . Logan took another large bite of his hamburger , almost content that he had managed to tick his dad off a little bit . Any little bit counted to Logan . Richard remained silent . Logan continued to munch on his food . Several hours later , as they were nearing the border of Colorado , Richard looked over at his boy . Logan was staring out the window , appearing dismayed in a way Richard had never witnessed from him before . Logan was just staring out the window , up at the fluffy clouds , the sun which was beginning its daily descent behind the edge of the earth . Such a beautiful evening really . How could anyone look so utterly miserable ? Richard understood though . He understood better than Logan thought he did . Richard was pretty sure of himself when it came to his decision to move Logan in with his mother . After all , his mother had been so lonely in that house all by herself since Richard 's father passed away . Having a grandchild living in the house with her would make her happy , because she would finally have someone to take care of extensively once again . One time when Ruth came down to Baton Rouge for a visit - it was Easter of the year before , if Richard remembered correctly - she confided in Sophia , telling her how much she missed having her children to take care of and now how much she even missed taking care of Paul , Richard 's father . Richard 's parents had always been the type to argue and fuss and quarrel over everything . It was usually Paul that started the arguments . He was a very confrontational man , belligerent beyond belief . Everyone had always told Paul that his stubbornness would kill him someday . They were right . When Paul had a heart attack , he refused to go to the hospital , claiming that it was just a bad heartburn . Then he died . Richard gazed over at Logan again . Even with that half - scowl , half depressed expression draped across his face , Logan was such a beautiful boy . Richard had always thought Logan favored his mother more than himself . After all , even if Danna was a lying , cheating whore , no one could ever deny that she was a complete knockout . There was a point in time when Richard thought of Danna as the most beautiful woman in the world , a goddess among women . Who wouldn 't think so ? She had long blond hairLogan turned around and met his father 's gaze . Logan immediately saw the pocket watch in his dad 's hand . He recognized it automatically . He had seen it in his dad 's bedroom countless times , but he had never inquired about it . Richard handed the pocket watch over to his eleven year old son , hoping this would help smooth things over a little . Logan grasped the pocket watch from his father 's hand carefully , somewhat surprised at the heaviness of the trinket . " Does it work ? " Logan asked as he analyzed the finely carved artwork of the piece . " Well , not anymore , " Richard said . " I haven 't been able to find the right battery for it in years . So I gave up and did something different with it . Open it up . " Logan unhooked the clasp of the pocket watch and opened it up . His eyes widened as soon as he saw what was inside . The watch had been completely removed . It was replaced with a round piece of glass that had a small picture inside ; the artistic picture that had stirred up a whole controversy amongst the family , but was somehow always Logan 's favorite picture . It was a black and white picture of Logan and Jesse that had been taken when Jesse was fourteen and Logan was eight . They were both sitting on a white platform with a white background , several white sheets on the platform . Both of the boys were completely naked . Jesse was sitting with his legs spread and his knees bent , staring up at the camera with a bright smile on his face , his body angled in just the right way that his private parts were hidden behind his right leg . Logan was sitting Indian style beside his older brother , his hands folded in his lap and one of the sheets positioned in a way that covered his private parts as well . Logan still remembered the day this picture was taken . The college - aged son of one of Richard 's best friends was a photography major and he had asked Richard if he could take a semi - nude shot of Logan and Jesse for an arts exhibit he was supposed to be a part of . Richard was a little apprehensive at first , because it seemed wrong somehow , but then he discussed it with the boys to see what their reactions would be . Jesse and Logan both had said they would agree to be a part of it : Jesse because he had a particular appreciation for open - minded arts , and Logan because he always wanted to do whatever his big brother wanted to do . He was only eight years old at this point after all . When the family in Twillingate Shore saw the picture though , all of them went berserk , especially Logan 's grandpa . He could still remember hearing his grandfather yell ceaselessly at his dad for letting his grandsons be exposed in such a way , " just to impress a bunch of perverted liberal hippy freaks " as his grandfather had so nicely explained . Ever since " Thanks , Dad , " Logan said softly , but genuinely . Richard just smiled at the boy , happy that he could bring Logan out of his shell , if even for just a few minutes . Welcome to Twillingate Shore : a beautiful lakeside town with breathtaking views of Lake Twillingate and the mountains and luscious green forests behind it ; a perfect environment for city folk to escape away from the usual hustle and bustle of city life . This established town has a population of 2 , 186 . There are two very nice bed & breakfast inns in town right next to the lake , free access to the spectacular Twillingate Lake , and more hiking and biking trails leading up towards the forests and mountains than you can possibly imagine . Aside from Twillingate Shore 's natural beauty and charming atmosphere , the town is merely a farming community , full of hard - working families seeking to raise their children in a peaceful town . Enjoy your stay here in Twillingate Shore . Richard and Logan drove into Twillingate Shore at about two - thirty on this beautiful Sunday afternoon . From what Logan could see , nothing about downtown Twillingate Shore had changed since the last time he was there three years before . Same little shops , same little neighborhood grocery store , the same three little ma - and - pop cafés , only one fast food restaurant , the small town hall building , the old town square , one bank , one post office , one community center / library , and one small doctor 's office . There were tourists here now since it was summertime . Older people mostly though ; older people who enjoyed coming to small towns like this one so that they could be reminded of their childhoods , back when cities like Dallas or Portland were relatively small . As much as Logan didn 't want to live here , he felt he had to admit there was something warm about this town , a comforting feeling that was seemingly palpable . It was like anyone who came to this town felt that they could easily call it home . Richard drove on past the downtown area . Ruth 's house was several miles down the road from downtown . After driving past the downtown area a little ways , Richard turned onto Henderson Road , rightfully named years and years before because the Henderson house was the o " Well , we 're finally here , bud , " Richard said as he parked the moving - truck . " Come now , don 't look at me that way , " Richard said . " Listen , we just have today left with one another . Then I have to leave for Portland in the morning . " " Logan , please don 't start this . You know I have to go back to work as soon as I get to Portland . I have just two days to get my stuff into the new apartment and then it 's back to work for me . And you know what that means . I might have to leave town for a while . You just never know with my job . " " Fine , " Logan said as he gathered his backpack , opened the door , and leaped out , slamming the truck door behind him . Richard rolled his eyes . As Logan walked towards the house , the front door opened and out came Ruth towards her grandson with her hands already in hug mode . Richard was getting out of the truck . Ruth made it to Logan and immediately gripped him into a big hug . Logan hugged the woman back , actually feeling a little comforted by the excited greeting . " Oh my grandson 's here to live me , I just can 't believe it ! " the woman exclaimed as she hugged the small boy tightly , her voice all high pitched and energized . " We are going to have so much fun together this summer , let me tell you ! Did you have a good trip up here ? " " Mom , you 're gonna pop the boy 's head off if you squeeze any harder , " Richard said from behind , his own backpack slung over his shoulder . " Oh , I could just eat this boy up , he 's so cute , " Ruth said . She finally let go of Logan and then walked over to give her son a hug . " How 're you doing , handsome ? " Ruth asked Richard as they hugged . " Oh , I 'm doing alright , Mom , " Richard said . " I think Logan and I are just about beat after this trip . Let me tell you , it felt like it went on forever . " " Well , come on in the house , boys , " Ruth said as she started towards the large house , motioning for the two of them to follow her . " I 've got my world famous pot - roast a ' cookin ' right now for dinner . " Richard and Logan followed the woman inside the large house , each of them completely wiped out from the trip . Later that evening , after dinner , Ruth , Richard , and Logan got on the houseboat together and went out onto the lake , just the three of them . Twillingate Lake was actually a very big lake . The lake itself had a surface area of a little over 8 , 000 acres with approximately 70 miles of shoreline , which was massive for a man - made lake in the middle of nowhere . Logan had asked before how deep the lake was , but he got different answers from different people . He had once asked Jesse , and he said the lake was almost as deep as the ocean . Logan believed it at first . He then asked his dad once . Richard had said it 's deepest point was about four hundred feet deep . That seemed more accurate . Logan recalled asking his grandpa once when they were on the houseboat with him . His grandpa just told him to jump in and find out for himself . Once Richard drove the houseboat into a relatively smooth - sailing area of the lake , he anchored the boat . Logan changed into his swimsuit and decided to go swimming in the lake for a little bit while Richard and Ruth sat on the first level deck at the stern talking and drinking wine where they could still keep an eye on Logan . Logan was wearing two orange floaties around his upper arms . He would jump from the stern of the houseboat into the water , swim around for several minutes , climb back up onto the boat , and then repeat the whole process all over again . Ruth marveled at the young boy 's energy as she and Richard sat at the round picnic table drinking their chardonnays . " Yeah , you sure you can handle that boy all summer ? " Richard asked . " He can get pretty rambunctious when he 's all hyped up like that . " " He 's a good boy , " Ruth said as she took a sip of her chardonnay . " I don 't think I 'll have any problems with him . I never had problems with him other summers he stayed here either . Well , at least as long as Jesse didn 't concoct any of his schemes . " " I do too , Mom . I do too . And Logan misses him terribly . You know , Mom , Logan actually seems okay right now , but don 't feel offended if he seems off or depressed . He 's still in the grieving process to be honest . " " It 's a nice evening out tonight , huh ? " " Nice and cool out . It was like ninety degrees when we left Baton Rouge the other day . I 've actually missed the climate up here . " " Well , you know , I thought about selling it , of course , " Ruth began . " I mean , if I need to , I can sell it for about four hundred thousand dollars now , but you know , this boat was the last thing your father bought before he passed away . Remember , he was just so proud of this boat , like this big honkin ' boat was the thing that completed him as a person . After he died , I just couldn 't bear the thought of letting it go . I mean , it 's already paid for , just like the house , so all I have to do is just keep her afloat . " " You should think about renting it out to some of the tourists , " Richard said . " I noticed the new bed & breakfast down the street . Pretty pricey looking place . I 'll bet there are people who come here who would gladly pay a few hundred dollars to rent this boat out for a full day , you know ? " " Well , the mayor already pays to have different town functions on my houseboat and whatnot , especially when he 's trying to make deals with other towns . He usually gives me a few hundred for things like that . In fact , we have a lot of our town meetings on the deck at home since it 's so big . And we 've had several town get - togethers on this boat . We did that more back when your father first bought it though . It 's happened less since he died , but I 'd like to start that up again soon . And maybe sometime soon I 'll start renting out to tourists for some random price . Not that I need the money or anything , but it certainly wouldn 't be a bad thing having some extra money coming in during the summer . " While Ruth and Richard continuing talking about renting the houseboat out to tourists during the summer , Logan continued to jump in and out of the lake water , swimming until his heart was content . After a couple of hours of swimming , Logan got out of the water , grabbed his beach towel , and headed inside to take a shower in the houseboat 's master bathroom , which ironically was much nicer than the master bathroom at the house . From the huge shower stall 's window , Logan could see the sunset over the lake , millions upon millions of gold sparkles on the blue water rounding in towards the golden sun in the horizon . It was gorgeous . After Logan 's shower , he got dressed and headed down to the houseboat 's kitchen on the lower deck , which was also bigger and more luxurious than the kitchen at his grandmother 's house . Logan was beginning to wonder why his grandmother didn 't just sell the house and live on the boat . This boat had everything : a full - sized kitchen , a living room , a den , a full - sized dining room , a huge stateroom , four full - sized bedrooms , one master bedroom , six bathrooms , three separate outside decks - two on the lower deck and one on the upper deck , a small balcony from the master bedroom , and then of course the captain 's room . Logan grabbed an apple from the pantry and a coke from the refrigerator . He then walked out onThe Next Morning Breakfast had come to an end . Bacon , sausage , fried eggs , hash browns , and chocolate chip pancakes especially made for Logan . But now the time had come for Richard to leave for Portland . He had today and tomorrow to get to Portland and begin having his belongings moved into the new place before having to return to work Wednesday . Once the three of them were finished with breakfast , they walked out together towards the moving - truck . Richard said his goodbyes to his mom , telling her he 'd come back to town as soon as he could . After that , he said he wanted some private time to say his goodbyes to Logan . With that , Ruth went back inside the house , leaving Logan and Richard alone outside next to the moving - truck . Richard sat down on the second step of the moving - truck with the driver 's side door open and motioned for Logan to perch on his leg . Logan walked over and leaned up against his dad 's leg , turning his body around to face his dad . " I promise you , you 'll be fine here , " Richard assured the boy . " You have tons of things to do here . And at least Gill doesn 't come around here much anymore . " " Yeah . . . " A few moments of silence passed by , Logan staring off into space with a depressed , lost expression on his face . The birds were singing loudly within the canopy of tree limbs and abundant leaves above them . The wind was blowing slightly , causing the wind - chimes to harmonize with the birds . " Logan , I 'm sorry things have been so hard lately , " Richard said genuinely . " I never would 've imagined something like this happening . But things could be far worse than they are , you know ? " " Tell you what . Next summer I 'll take three or four weeks off work and you , me , and your grandmother will go to Europe , just the three of us . How 's that sound ? " " Okay , " Richard said , his arms now wrapped loosely around his son 's waist . " You make sure to be good for your grandmother . I know I don 't really have to tell you that , but you know , it 's part of my job description as a dad to say it anyway . " Without saying another word , Logan wrapped his arms around his father 's neck and embraced him tightly . Richard hugged him back just as tightly , rubbing the boy 's back as they hugged . " I love you , Logan , " Richard said . " I love you too , " Logan said weakly . " Now . . . make sure to , uh . . . make sure to take care of that pocket watch , okay ? " Just like that , the hug ended . Richard kissed the top of his son 's head and then ran his fingers through the boy 's longish hair . Afterward , Richard stood up and then sat down on the drivers seat in the truck . He shut the door , started he engine up , and then opened the window . By this time , Ruth was walking back outside to wave goodbye . " I will , Mom . I love you both very much . " Richard smiled and then rolled the window back up . He waved a final time . Ruth and Logan waved back at the same time , both of them still standing next to one another . Richard put the truck in reverse , turned the truck around , and drove off down Henderson Road , towards the road that would take him to Portland , away from Twillingate Shore . Logan watched as his father drove away , a cloud of brown dust floating up into the air trailing behind the large moving truck . Logan sat alone on the bed in his new room ; the room which used to be his father 's room when he was a kid . Logan 's suitcases and boxes were sitting in a huddled mass in the corner of the room . He hadn 't unpacked anything yet . The bed was still unmade since he had woken up several hours before . Richard was long gone now . Ruth was downstairs cleaning out the parakeet cages , so Logan had said he would start unpacking . Sitting alone on the bed , he realized that this was the very first time in his almost twelve years that he didn 't have Jesse or Sophia or his father by his side . He just couldn 't fathom the changes that had taken place within his life . None of it seemed real . Or possible . Logan found himself wishing that this was all just some horrible dream and he would eventually wake up ; that he would wake up , walk down the hallway to his older brother 's bedroom , and find Jesse sleeping in his own bed again . He would then crawl into bed with Jesse and just rest alongside the older boy , just like he had done so many stormy nights when he was younger and scared of thunder . He would feel completely safe again with Jesse next to him . Knowing that his brother was within arm 's reach would make all the difference . A tear escaped Logan 's eye , traveling down his cheek and then proceeding to land on his t - shirt . He quickly wiped the moisture away , determined not to allow himself to cry again . There was no way he could let himself cry again . He had spent far too much time crying , which made him feel weak . He sniffled a few time " Yes , dear ? " Ruth said before taking a sip of her diet coke . " Oh ! Yes , I meant to - " Ruth started and was then cut off by the sound of the back door opening . The back door opened swiftly . Logan turned around in his seat and looked towards the back door as this mysterious person entered the house . A thin guy wearing a plaid shirt tucked into a pair of tight blue jeans was facing the other way closing the door behind him . He was wearing a cowboy hat and boots . The thin guy turned around . Logan 's eyes widened in almost apparent terror . " Hey , Ruth , sorry I 'm late for lunch . I was just - " Cody Haynes walked into the kitchen and stopped in mid - sentence as he noticed Logan sitting there staring up at him . An awkward silence filled the room . Ruth bore a slightly confused look on her face as she wiped her mouth with her napkin . " Hey Logan , " Cody said simply . " Logan , honey , I forgot to tell you ; Cody here works the farm for me , " Ruth said to her grandson before taking a sip of her diet coke . Logan looked over at his grandmother and then over at Cody . " He works for you ? " Logan asked . " Umm . . . I was thinking . . . I was thinking that , you know , that like , we should . . . you know . . . . . . you know ? " Logan stumbled all over his words . Cody slowly turned his head around to face Logan , a confused expression on his face . " No , Logan , can 't say I do know , " Cody said simply . " Might help if you actually said what you mean , you know ? " " Yeah . . . I know , " Logan said . " It 's just that . . . well , this is kinda hard for me to say is all . I mean , I was thinking about what I said to you . . . you know , back in Baton Rouge ? The thing about my brother and you ? You know . . . "

I remember now how lonely I was when I met Cross . I never let anyone know about it , because being alone back then didn 't make me quite so unhappy . Besides , I was just a kid . I thought it was my own fault . It looked like I had friends . In 1962 , I was on the swim team and got elected Assistant Patrol Leader of the Wolf Patrol in Boy Scout Troop 7 . When sides got chosen for kickball at recess , I was usually the fourth or fifth pick . I wasn 't the best student in the sixth grade of John Jay Elementary School - that was Betty Garolli . But I was smart and the other kids made me feel bad about it . So I stopped raising my hand when I knew the answer and I watched my vocabulary . I remember I said albeit once in class and they teased me for weeks . Packs of girls would come up to me on the playground . " Oh Ray , " they 'd call and when I turned around they 'd scream , " All beat it ! " and run away , choking with laughter . It wasn 't that I wanted to be popular or anything . All I really wanted was a friend , one friend , a friend I didn 't have to hide anything from . Then came Cross , and that was the end of that . One of the problems was that we lived so far away from everything . Back then , Westchester County wasn 't so suburban . Our house was deep in the woods in tiny Willoughby , New York , at the dead end of Cobb 's Hill Road . In the winter , we could see Long Island Sound , a silver needle on the horizon pointing toward the city . But school was a half hour drive away and the nearest kid lived in Ward 's Hollow , three miles down the road , and he was a dumb fourth - grader . So I didn 't have any real friends . Instead , I had science fiction . Mom used to complain that I was obsessed . I watched Superman reruns every day after school . On Friday nights Dad used to let me stay up for Twilight Zone , but that fall CBS had temporarily cancelled it . It came back in January after everything happened , but was never quite the same . On Saturdays , I watched old sci - fi movies on Adventure Theater . My favorites were Forbidden Planet and The Day The Earth Stood Still . I think it was because of the robots . I decided that when I grew up and it was the future , I was going to buy one , so I wouldn 't have to be alone anymore . On Monday mornings I 'd get my weekly allowance - a quarter . Usually I 'd get off the bus that same afternoon down in Ward 's Hollow so I could go to Village Variety . Twenty five cents bought two comics and a pack of red licorice . I especially loved DC 's Green Lantern , Marvel 's Fantastic Four and Incredible Hulk , but I 'd buy almost any superhero . I read all the science fiction books in the library twice , even though Mom kept nagging me to try different things . But what I loved best of all was Galaxy magazine . Dad had a subscription and when he was done reading them he would slip them to me . Mom didn 't approve . I always used to read them up in the attic or out in the lean - to I 'd lashed together in the woods . Afterwards I 'd store them under my bunk in the bomb shelter . I knew that after the nuclear war , there would be no TV or radio or anything and I 'd need something to keep me busy when I wasn 't fighting mutants . I was too young in 1962 to understand about Mom 's drinking . I could see that she got bright and wobbly at night , but she was always up in the morning to make me a hot breakfast before school . And she would have graham crackers and peanut butter waiting when I came home - sometimes cinnamon toast . Dad said I shouldn 't ask Mom for rides after five because she got so tired keeping house for us . He sold Andersen windows and was away a lot , so I was pretty much stranded most of the time . But he always made a point of being home on the first Tuesday of the month , so he could take me to the Scout meeting at 7 : 30 . I remember it was a warm Saturday afternoon in October . The leaves covering the ground were still crisp and their scent spiced the air . I was in the lean - to I 'd built that spring , mostly to practice the square and diagonal lashings I needed for Scouts . I was reading Galaxy . I even remember the story : " The Ballad of Lost C ' Mell " by Cordwainer Smith . The squirrels must have been chittering for some time , but I was too engrossed by Lord Jestocost 's problems to notice . Then I heard a faint crunch , not ten feet away . I froze , listening . Crunch , crunch . . . then silence . It could 've been a dog , except that dogs didn 't usually slink through the woods . I was hoping it might be a deer - I 'd never seen deer in Willoughby before , although I 'd heard hunters shooting . I scooted silently across the dirt floor and peered between the dead saplings . At first I couldn 't see anything , which was odd . The woods weren 't all that thick and the leaves had long since dropped from the understory brush . I wondered if I had imagined the sounds ; it wouldn 't have been the first time . Then I heard a twig snap , maybe a foot away . The wall shivered as if something had brushed against it , but there was nothing there . Nothing . I might have screamed then , except my throat started to close . I heard whatever it was skulk to the front of the lean - to . I watched in horror as an unseen weight pressed an acorn into the soft earth and then I scrambled back into the farthest corner . That 's when I noticed that , when I wasn 't looking directly at it , the air where the invisible thing should have been shimmered like a mirage . The lashings that held the frame creaked , as if it were bending over to see what it had caught , getting ready to drag me , squealing , out into the sun and . . . . In that moment I was transformed - and I suppose that history too was forever changed . I had somehow scared the thing off , twelve - year - old scrawny me ! But more important was what it had said . Certainly I was well aware of the existence of the word fuck before then , but I had never dared use it myself , nor do I remember hearing it spoken by an adult . A spaz like the Murphy kid might say it under his breath , but he hardly counted . I 'd always thought of it as language 's atomic bomb ; used properly the word should make brains shrivel , eardrums explode . But when the invisible thing said fuck and then ran away , it betrayed a vulnerability that made me reckless and more than a little stupid . I didn 't have any trouble chasing it . The thing was no Davy Crockett ; it was noisy and clumsy and slow . I could see a flickery outline as it lumbered along . I closed to within twenty feet and then had to hold back or I would 've caught up to it . I had no idea what to do next . We blundered on in slower and slower motion until finally I just stopped . " W - Wait , " I called . " W - What do you want ? " I put my hands on my waist and bent over like I was trying to catch my breath , although I didn 't need to . The thing stopped too but didn 't reply . Instead it sucked air in wheezy , ragged hooofs . It was harder to see , now that it was standing still , but I think it must have turned toward me . " I 'm in the sixth grade . " I straightened , spread my hands in front of me to show that I wasn 't a threat . " What 's your name ? " It didn 't answer . I took a step toward it and waited . Still nothing , but at least it didn 't bolt . " I 'm Ray Beaumont , " I said finally . " I live over there . " I pointed . " How come I can 't see you ? " For a moment I thought it meant data . Data ? I puzzled over an answer . I didn 't want it thinking I was just a stupid little kid . " I don 't know , " I said cautiously . " October twentieth ? " " Oh jeez , " I said . At that point I wouldn 't have been surprised if Rod Serling himself had popped out from behind a tree and started addressing the unseen TV audience . Which might have included me , except this was really happening . " Do you know what you just . . . what it means when . . . ? " " You 're invisible and you don 't know what year it is ? Everyone knows what year it is . Are you . . . you 're not from here . " " Yes , yes , I am . 1962 , of course . This is 1962 . " It paused . " And I am not invisible . " It squeezed about eight syllables into invisible . I heard a sound like paper ripping . " This is only camel . " Or at least , that 's what I thought it said . I suppose the thing meant to reassure me by showing itself , but the effect was just the opposite . Yes , it had two eyes , a nose , and a mouth . It stripped off the camouflage to reveal a neatly - pressed gray three - piece business suit , a white shirt and a red and blue striped tie . At night , on a crowded street in Manhattan , I might 've passed it right by - Dad had taught me not to stare at the kooks in the city . But in the afternoon light , I could see all the things wrong with its disguise . The hair , for example . Not exactly a crewcut , it was more of a stubble , like Mr . Rudowski 's chin when he was growing his beard . The thing was way too thin , its skin was shiny , its fingers too long and its face - it looked like one of those Barbie dolls . I cocked my head to one side . " I think maybe it 's your eyes . They 're too big or something . Are you wearing makeup ? " " If you say so . " I could see he was going to need help getting around , only he didn 't seem to know it . I was hoping he 'd reveal himself , brief me on the mission . I even had an idea how we could contact President Kennedy or whoever he needed to meet with . Mr . Newell , the Scoutmaster , used to be a colonel in the Army - he would know some general who could call the Pentagon . " What 's your name ? " I said . He handed it over . The camo suit was more impossible than it had been when it was invisible . He had reduced it to a six - inch square card , as thin and flexible as the queen of spades . I folded it in half myself . The two sides seemed to meld together ; it would 've fit into my wallet perfectly . I wondered if Cross knew how close I was to running off with his amazing gizmo . He 'd never catch me . I could see flashes of my brilliant career as the invisible superhero . Tales to Confound presents : the origin of Camo Kid ! I turned the card over and over , trying to figure out how to unfold it again . There was no seam , no latch . How could I use it if I couldn 't open it ? " Neat , " I said . Reluctantly , I gave the card back to him . I watched Cross slip the card into his vest pocket . I wasn 't scared of him . What scared me was that at any minute he might walk out of my life . I had to find a way to tell him I was on his side , whatever that was . I knew where Madagascar was from playing Risk , so I told him that but then I couldn 't think of what else to say . Finally , I had to blurt out something - anything - to fill the silence . " It 's nice here . Real quiet , you know . Private . " " Yes , I had not expected to meet anyone . " He , too , seemed at a loss . " I have business in New York City on the twenty - sixth of October . " The nearest train station was New Canaan , Connecticut . I could 've hiked it in maybe half a day . It would be dark in a couple of hours . " If your business isn 't until the twenty - sixth , you 'll need a place to stay . " He opened a wallet and showed me a wad of crisp new bills . For a minute I thought they must be counterfeit ; I hadn 't realized that Ben Franklin 's picture was on money . Cross was giving me the goofiest grin . I just knew they 'd eat him alive in New York and spit out the bones . " Look , you need a friend , Mr . Cross . Things are different here than . . . than on your island . Sometimes people do , you know , bad stuff . Especially in the city . " He nodded and put his wallet away . " I am aware of the dangers , Mr . Beaumont . I have trained not to draw attention to myself . I have the proper equipment . " He tapped the pocket where the camo was . I didn 't point out to him that all his training and equipment hadn 't kept him from being caught out by a twelve - year - old . " Sure , okay . It 's just . . . Look , I have a place for you to stay , if you want . No one will know . " " Not the house , " I said . " My dad built us a bomb shelter . You 'll be safe there , Mr . Cross . It 's the safest place I know . " I remember how Cross seemed to lose interest in me , his mission and the entire twentieth century the moment he entered the shelter . He sat around all of Sunday , dodging my attempts to draw him out . He seemed distracted , like he was listening to a conversation I couldn 't hear . When he wouldn 't talk , we played games . At first it was cards : Gin and Crazy Eights , mostly . In the afternoon , I went back to the house and brought over checkers and Monopoly . Despite the fact that he did not seem to be paying much attention , he beat me like a drum . Not one game was even close . But that wasn 't what bothered me . I believed that this man had come from the future , and here I was building hotels on Baltic Avenue ! Monday was a school day . I thought Cross would object to my plan of locking him in and taking both my key and Mom 's key with me , but he never said a word . I told him that it was the only way I could be sure that Mom didn 't catch him by surprise . Actually , I doubted she 'd come all the way out to the shelter . She 'd stayed away after Dad gave her that first tour ; she had about as much use for nuclear war as she had for science fiction . Still , I had no idea what she did during the day while I was gone . I couldn 't take chances . Besides , it was a good way to make sure that Cross didn 't skin out on me . Dad had built the shelter instead of taking a vacation in 1960 , the year Kennedy beat Nixon . It was buried about a hundred and fifty feet from the house . Nothing special - just a little cellar without anything built on top of it . The entrance was a steel bulkhead that led down five steps to another steel door . The inside was cramped ; there were a couple of cots , a sink and a toilet . Almost half of the space was filled with supplies and equipment . There were no windows and it always smelled a little musty , but I loved going down there to pretend the bombs were falling . When I opened the shelter door after school on that Monday , Cross lay just as I had left him the night before , sprawled across the big cot , staring at nothing . I remember being a little worried ; I thought he might be sick . I stood beside him and still he didn 't acknowledge my presence . " Are you all right , Mr . Cross ? " I said . " I bought Risk . " I set it next to him on the bed and nudged him with the corner of the box to wake him up . " Did you eat ? " " The announcement came last night . " I realized that his pronunciation had improved a lot ; announcement had only three syllables . " I have been studying the radio . " I walked over to the radio on the shelf next to the sink . Dad said we were supposed to leave it unplugged - something about the bombs making a power surge . It was a brand new solid - state , multi - band Heathkit that I 'd helped him build . When I pressed the on button , women immediately started singing about shopping : Where the values go up , up , up ! And the prices go down , down , down ! I turned it off again . " Do me a favor , okay ? " I said . " Next time when you 're done would you please unplug this ? I could get in trouble if you don 't . " I stooped to yank the plug . When I stood up , he was holding a sheet of paper . " I will need some things tomorrow , Mr . Beaumont . I would be grateful if you could assist me . " When I looked up , I could feel the change in him . His gaze was electric ; it seemed to crackle down my nerves . I could tell that what I did next would matter very much . " I don 't get it , " I said . I tried to stall . " Look , you 'll pay almost double if we buy a transistor radio at Ward 's Hollow . I 'll have to buy it at Village Variety . Wait a couple of days - we can get one much cheaper down in Stamford . " I was afraid to look , even though I knew what it was . He 'd given me a hundred dollar bill . I tried to thrust it back at him but he stepped away and it spun to the floor between us . " I can 't spend that . " " You must read your own money , Mr . Beaumont . " He picked the bill up and brought it into the light of the bare bulb on the ceiling . " This note is legal tender for all debts public and private . " " No , no , you don 't understand . A kid like me doesn 't walk into Village Variety with a hundred bucks . Mr . Rudowski will call my mom ! " If I didn 't agree , he 'd leave and probably never come back . I was getting mad at him . Everything would be so much easier if only he 'd admit what we both knew about who he was . Then I could do whatever he wanted with a clear conscience . Instead he was keeping all the wrong secrets and acting really weird . It made me feet dirty , like I was helping a pervert . " What 's going on , " I said . " I do not know how to respond , Mr . Beaumont . You have the list . Read it now and tell me please with which item you have a problem . " With that , he seemed to lose interest again . When we opened the Risk board , he showed me where his island was , except it wasn 't there because it was too small . We played three games and he crushed me every time . I remember at the end of the last game , watching in disbelief as he finished building a wall of invading armies along the shores of North Africa . South America , my last continent , was doomed . " Looks like you win again , " I said . I traded in the last of my cards for new armies and launched a final , useless counter - attack . When I was done , he studied the board for a moment . That night was the first time I can remember being bothered by Mom talking back to the TV . I used to talk to the TV too . When Buffalo Bob asked what time it was , I would screech It 's Howdy Doody Time just like every other kid in America . " My fellow citizens , " said President Kennedy , " let no one doubt that this is a difficult and dangerous effort on which we have set out . " I thought the president looked tired , like Mr . Newell on the third day of a campout . " No one can foresee precisely what course it will take or what costs or casualties will be incurred . " Despite the fact that it was close to her bedtime and she was shouting at the President of the United States , Mom looked great . She was wearing a shiny black dress and a string of pearls . She always got dressed up at night , whether Dad was home or not . I suppose most kids don 't notice how their mothers look , but everyone always said how beautiful Mom was . And since Dad thought so too , I went along with it - as long as she didn 't open her mouth . The problem was that a lot of the time , Mom didn 't make any sense . When she embarrassed me , it didn 't matter how pretty she was . I just wanted to crawl behind the couch . President Kennedy stayed calm . " The path we have chosen for the present is full of hazards , as all paths are - but it is the one most consistent with our character and courage as a nation and our commitments around the world . The cost of freedom is always high - but Americans have always paid it . And one path we shall never choose , and that is the path of surrender or submission . " " Shut up ! You foolish man , stop this . " She shot out of her chair and then some of her drink did spill . " Oh , damn ! " " Don 't you understand ? " She put the glass down and tore a Kleenex from the box on the end table . " He wants to start World War III ! " She dabbed at the front of her dress and the phone rang . " Oh thank God , " she said . I could tell from the sound of her voice that it was Dad . " You heard him then ? " She bit her lip as she listened to him . " Yes , but . . . . " Watching her face made me sorry I was in the sixth grade . Better to be a stupid little kid again , who thought grownups knew everything . I wondered whether Cross had heard the speech . " You have to come home now , Dave . No , you listen to me . Can 't you see , the man 's obsessed ? Just because he has a grudge against Castro doesn 't mean he 's allowed to . . . . " I think Dad must have been shouting because Mom held the receiver away from her ear . She waited for him to calm down and said , " And neither is Raymie . He 'll stay with me . " She listened for a moment . " Okay , all right , but don 't you dare hang up . " She waved me over and slapped the phone into my hand as if I had put the missiles in Cuba . She stalked to the kitchen . " I want you to go out to the shelter tonight . Wait until she goes to sleep . Top off the water drums . Get all the gas out of the garage and store it next to the generator . But here 's the most important thing . You know the sacks of rice ? Drag them off to one side , the pallet too . There 's a hatch underneath , the key to the airlock door unlocks it . You 've got two new guns and plenty of ammunition . The revolver is a . 357 Magnum . You be careful with that , Ray , it can blow a hole in a car but it 's hard to aim . The double - barreled shotgun is easy to aim but you have to be close to do any harm . And I want you to bring down the Gamemaster from my closet and the . 38 from my dresser drawer . " He had been talking as if there would be no tomorrow ; he paused then to catch his breath . " Now , this is all just in case , okay ? I just want you to know . " Mom smiled at me . It was a lopsided smile that was trying to be brave but wasn 't doing a very good job of it . She had a new glass and it was full . She held out her hand for the phone and I gave it to her . I remember waiting until almost ten o ' clock that night , reading under the covers with a flashlight . The Fantastic Four invaded Latveria to defeat Doctor Doom ; Superman tricked Mr . Mxyzptlk into saying his name backwards once again . When I opened the door to my parents ' bedroom , I could hear Mom snoring . It spooked me ; I hadn 't realized that women did that . I thought about sneaking in to get the guns , but decided to take care of them tomorrow . I stole out to the shelter , turned my key in the lock and pulled on the bulkhead door . It didn 't move . That didn 't make any sense , so I gave it a hard yank . The steel door rattled terribly but did not swing away . The air had turned frosty and the sound carried in the cold . I held my breath , listening to my blood pound . The house stayed dark , the shelter quiet as stones . After a few moments , I tried one last time before I admitted to myself what had happened . I went back to my room , but couldn 't sleep . I kept going to the window to watch the sky over New York , waiting for a flash of killing light . I was all but convinced that the city would burn that very night in thermonuclear fire and that mom and I would die horrible deaths soon after , pounding on the unyielding steel doors of our shelter . Dad had left me in charge and I had let him down . I didn 't understand why Cross had locked us out . If he knew that a nuclear war was about to start , he might want our shelter all to himself . But that made him a monster and I still didn 't see him as a monster . I tried to tell myself that he 'd been asleep and couldn 't hear me at the door - but that couldn 't be right . What if he 'd come to prevent the war ? He 'd said he had business in the city on Thursday ; he could be doing something really , really futuristic in there that he couldn 't let me see . Or else he was having problems . Maybe our twentieth century germs had got to him , like they killed H . G . Wells 's Martians . I must have teased a hundred different ideas apart that night , in between uneasy trips to the window and glimpses at the clock . The last time I remember seeing was 4 : 16 . I tried to stay up to face the end , but I couldn 't . I wasn 't dead when I woke up the next morning , so I had to go to school . Mom had Cream of Wheat all ready when I dragged myself to the table . Although she was all bright and bubbly , I could feel her giving me the mother 's eye when I wasn 't looking . She always knew when something was wrong . I tried not to show her anything . There was no time to sneak out to the shelter ; I barely had time to finish eating before she bundled me off to the bus . Right after the morning bell , Miss Toohey told us to open The Story of New York State to Chapter Seven , Resources and Products and read to ourselves . Then she left the room . We looked at each other in amazement . I heard Bobby Coniff whisper something . It was probably dirty ; a few kids snickered . Chapter Seven started with a map of product symbols . Two teeny little cows grazed near Binghamton . Rochester was cog and a pair of glasses . Elmira was an adding machine , Oswego an apple . There was a lightning bolt over Niagara Falls . Dad had promised to take us there someday . I had the sick feeling that we 'd never get the chance . Miss Toohey looked pale when she came back , but that didn 't stop her from giving us a spelling test . I got a ninety - five . The word I spelled wrong was enigma . The hot lunch was American Chop Suey , a roll , a salad and a bowl of butterscotch pudding . In the afternoon we did decimals . I decided to get off the bus in Ward 's Hollow , buy the stuff Cross wanted and pretend I didn 't know he had locked the shelter door last night . If he said something about it , I 'd act surprised . If he didn 't . . . I didn 't know what I 'd do then . Village Variety was next to Warren 's Esso and across the street from the Post Office . It had once been two different stores located in the same building , but then Mr . Rudowski had bought the building and knocked down the dividing wall . On the fun side were pens and pencil and paper and greeting cards and magazines and comics and paperbacks and candy . The other side was all boring hardware and small appliances . Mr . Rudowski was on the phone when I came in , but then he was always on the phone when he worked . He could sell you a hammer or a pack of baseball cards , tell you a joke , ask about your family , complain about the weather and still keep the guy on the other end of the line happy . This time though , when he saw me come in , he turned away , wrapping the phone cord across his shoulder . I went through the store quickly and found everything Cross had wanted . I had to blow dust off the transistor radio box but the batteries looked fresh . There was only one New York Times left ; the headlines were so big they were scary . I set my purchases on the counter in front of Mr . Rudowski . He cocked his head to one side , trapping the telephone receiver against his shoulder , and rang me up . The paper was on the bottom of the pile . " Since when do you read the Times , Ray ? " Mr . Rudowski punched it into the cash register and hit total . " I just got the new Fantastic Four . " The cash drawer popped open . I had my story all ready . " It was a birthday gift from my grandma in Detroit . She said I could spend it on whatever I wanted so I decided to treat myself but I 'm going to put the rest in the bank . " He didn 't say anything for a moment . He just pulled a paper bag from under the counter and put my things into it . His shoulders were hunched ; I thought maybe he felt guilty about overcharging for the radio . " You should be listening to music , Ray , " he said quietly . " You like Elvis ? All kids like Elvis . Or maybe that colored , the one who does the Twist ? " " You 're too young to be worrying about the news . You hear me ? Those politicians . . . . " He shook his head . " It 's going to be okay , Ray . You heard it from me . " I could feel him watching me as I stuffed it all into my book bag . I was certain he 'd call my mom , but he never did . Home was three miles up Cobb 's Hill . I did it in forty minutes , a record . " Where were you ? " Mom burst out of the house as I came across the lawn . " Oh , my God , Raymie , I was worried sick . " She caught me up in her arms . " This the boy , ma ' am ? " The state trooper had taken his time catching up to her . He had almost the same hat as Scoutmaster Newell . " There was no sign of forcible entry , " said the second trooper . I saw him exchange a glance with his partner . " Nothing disturbed that I could see . " The thought of Mom with the . 38 scared me . I had my Shooting merit badge , but she didn 't know a hammer from a trigger . " You didn 't shoot him ? " " No . " She shook her head . " He had plenty of time to leave but he was still there when I came back . That 's when he said my name . " She had that puzzled look she always gets at night . " I couldn 't find my key . I had to use the one your father leaves over the breezeway door . " " He said , ' Mrs . Beaumont , I present no danger to you . ' And I said , ' Who are you ? ' And then he came toward me and I thought he said ' Margaret , ' and I started firing . " " No , I - I was at school all day and then I stopped at Rudowski 's . . . . " I could feel my eyes burning . I was so embarrassed ; I knew I was about to cry in front of them . Mom acted annoyed that the troopers had stopped paying attention to her . " I shot at him . Three , four times , I don 't know . I must have missed , because he just stood there staring at me . It seemed like forever . Then he walked past me and up the stairs like nothing had happened . " " Oh that ! " She seemed relieved . " No . Well , I mean , after I called you , I did pour myself a little something . Just to steady my nerves . I was worried because my son was so late and . . . Raymie , what 's the matter ? " After the troopers left , I remember Mom baking brownies while I watched Superman . I wanted to go out and hunt for Cross , but it was already sunset and there was no excuse I could come up with for wandering around in the dark . Besides , what was the point ? He was gone , driven off by my mother . I 'd had a chance to help a man from the future change history , maybe prevent World War III , and I had blown it . My life was ashes . I wasn 't hungry that night , for brownies or spaghetti or anything , but Mom made that clucking noise when I pushed supper around the plate , so I ate a few bites just to shut her up . I was surprised at how easy it was to hate her , how good it felt . Of course , she was oblivious , but in the morning she would notice if I wasn 't careful . After dinner she watched the news and I went upstairs to read . I wrapped a pillow around my head when she yelled at David Brinkley . I turned out the lights at 8 : 30 , but I couldn 't get to sleep . She went to her room a little after that . " Is that you , Mr . Cross ? " I peered into the darkness . " I bought the stuff you wanted . " The room filled with an awful stink , like when Mom drove with the parking brake on . He slumped against my desk like a nightmare . I remember thinking then that Cross wasn 't human , that maybe he wasn 't even alive . His proportions were wrong : an ear , a shoulder and both feet sagged like they had melted . Little wisps of steam or something curled off him ; they were what smelled . His skin had gone all shiny and hard ; so had his business suit . I 'd wondered why he never took the suit coat off and now I knew . His clothes were part of him . The middle fingers of his right hand beat spasmodically against his palm . " You must listen most attentively , Mr . Beaumont . My decline is very bad for history . It is for you now to alter the time line probabilities . " " John Kennedy will not welcome such information . If he starts this war , he will be responsible for the deaths of tens of millions , both Russians and Americans . But he does not grasp the future of the arms race . The war must happen now , because those who come after will build and build until they control arsenals which can destroy the world many times over . People are not capable of thinking for very long of such fearsome weapons . They tire of the idea of extinction and then become numb to it . The buildup slows but does not stop and they congratulate themselves on having survived it . But there are still too many weapons and they never go away . The Third War comes as a surprise . The First War was called the one to end all wars . The Third War is the only such war possible , Mr . Beaumont , because it ends everything . History stops in 2019 . Do you understand ? A year later , there is no life . All dead , the world a hot , barren rock . " " I am nothing , a construct . Mr . Beaumont , please , the chances are 1016 to 1 , " he said . " Do you know how improbable that is ? " His laugh sounded like a hiccup . " But for the sake of those few precious time lines , we must continue . There is a man , a politician in New York . If he dies on Thursday night , it will create the incident that forces Kennedy 's hand . " " Dies ? " For days , I had been desperate for him to talk . Now all I wanted was to run away . " You 're going to kill somebody ? " " I cannot access that time line . I have no certain answer for you . Please , Mr . Beaumont , this politician will die of a heart attack in less than three years . He has made no great contribution to history , yet his assassination can save the world . " " He will speak most eloquently at the United Nations on Friday evening . Afterward he will have dinner with his friend , Ruth Fields . Around ten o ' clock he will return to his residence at the Waldorf Towers . Not the Waldorf Astoria Hotel , but the Towers . He will take the elevator to Suite 42A . He is the American ambassador to the United Nations . His name is Adlai Stevenson . " When he sighed , his breath was a cloud of acrid steam . " I have based my calculation of the time line probabilities on two data points , Mr . Beaumont , which I discovered in your bomb shelter . The first is the . 357 Magnum revolver , located under a pallet of rice bags . I trust you know of this weapon ? " " The second is the collection of magazines , located under your cot . It would seem that you take a interest in what is to come , Mr . Beaumont , and that may lend you the terrible courage you will need to divert this time line from disaster . You should know that there is not just one future . There are an infinite number of futures in which all possibilities are expressed , an infinite number of Raymond Beaumonts . " " You don 't understand . . . . " I watched in horror as a boil swelled on the side of his face and popped , expelling an evil jet of yellow steam . " What ? " He slid to the floor - or maybe he was just a body at that point . More boils formed and burst . I opened all the windows in my room and got the fan down out of the closet and still I can 't believe that the stink didn 't wake Mom up . Over the course of the next few hours , he sort of vaporized . When it was over , there was a sticky , dark spot on the floor the size of my pillow . I moved the throw rug from one side of the room to the other to cover it up . I had nothing to prove that Cross existed but a transistor radio , a couple of batteries , an earplug and eighty - seven dollars and fifty - three cents in change . I might have done things differently if I hadn 't had a day to think . I can 't remember going to school on Wednesday , who I talked to , what I ate . I was feverishly trying to figure out what to do and how to do it . I had no place to go for answers , not Miss Toohey , not my parents , not the Bible or the Boy Scout Handbook , certainly not Galaxy magazine . Whatever I did had to come out of me . I watched the news with Mom that night . President Kennedy had brought our military to the highest possible state of alert . There were reports that some Russian ships had turned away from Cuba ; others continued on course . Dad called and said his trip was being cut short and that he would be home the next day . I hid behind the stone wall when the school bus came on Thursday morning . Mrs . Johnson honked a couple of times , and then drove on . I set out for New Canaan , carrying my bookbag . In it were the radio , the batteries , the coins , the map of New York and the . 357 . I had the rest of Cross 's money in my wallet . It took more than five hours to hike to the train station . I expected to be scared , but the whole time I felt light as air . I kept thinking of what Cross had said about the future , that I was just one of millions and millions of Raymond Beaumonts . Most of them were in school , diagramming sentences and watching Miss Toohey bite her nails . I was the special one , walking into history . I was super . I caught the 2 : 38 train , changed in Stamford , and arrived at Grand Central just after four . I had six hours . I bought myself a hot pretzel and a Coke and tried to decide where I should go . I couldn 't just sit around the hotel lobby for all that time ; I thought that would draw too much attention . I decided to go to the top of the Empire State Building . I took my time walking down Park Avenue and tried not to see all the ghosts I was about to make . In the lobby of the Empire State Building , I used Cross 's change to call home . I could imagine the expression on Dad 's face , how he would tell Mom what I 'd said . Eventually they would argue about it . He would shout ; she would cry . As I rode the elevator up , I got mad at them . He shouldn 't have picked up the phone . They should 've protected me from Cross and the future he came from . I was in the sixth grade , I shouldn 't have to have feelings like this . The observation platform was almost deserted . I walked completely around it , staring at the city stretching away from me in every direction . It was dusk ; the buildings were shadows in the failing light . I didn 't feel like Ray Beaumont anymore ; he was my secret identity . Now I was the superhero Bomb Boy ; I had the power of bringing nuclear war . Wherever I cast my terrible gaze , cars melted and people burst into flame . It was dark when I came down from the Empire State Building . I had a sausage pizza and a Coke on 47th Street . While I ate , I stuck the plug into my ear and listened to the radio . I searched for the news . One announcer said the debate was still going on in the Security Council . Our ambassador was questioning Ambassador Zorin . I stayed with that station for a while , hoping to hear his voice . I knew what he looked like , of course . I knew Adlai Stevenson had run for President a couple of times when I was just a baby . But I couldn 't remember what he sounded like . He might talk to me , ask me what I was doing in his hotel ; I wanted to be ready for that . I arrived at the Waldorf Towers around nine o ' clock . I picked a plush velvet chair that had a direct view of the elevator bank and sat there for about ten minutes . Nobody seemed to care but it was hard to sit still . Finally I got up and went to the men 's room . I took my bookbag into a stall , closed the door and got the . 357 out . I aimed it at the toilet . The gun was heavy and I could tell it would have a big kick . I probably ought to hold it with both hands . I put it back into my bookbag and flushed . When I came out of the bathroom , I had stopped believing that I was going to shoot anyone , that I could . But I had to find out for Cross 's sake . If I was really meant to save the world , then I had to be in the right place at the right time . I went back to my chair , checked my watch . It was nine - twenty . I started thinking of the one who would pull the trigger , the unlikely Ray . What would make the difference ? Had he read some story in Galaxy that I had skipped ? Was it a problem with Mom ? Or Dad ? Maybe he had spelled enigma right ; maybe Cross had lived another thirty seconds in his time line . Or maybe he was just the best that I could possibly be . I was so tired of it all . I must have walked thirty miles since morning and I hadn 't slept well in days . The lobby was warm . People laughed and murmured . Elevator doors dinged softly . I tried to stay up to face history , but I couldn 't . I was Raymond Beaumont , but I was just a twelve - year - old kid . I remember the doorman waking me up at eleven o ' clock . Dad drove all the way into the city that night to get me . When we got home , Mom was already in the shelter . I 've tried to do what I can , to make up for what I didn 't do that night . I 've worked for the cause wherever I could find it . I belong to CND and SANE and the Friends of the Earth and was active in the nuclear freeze movement . I think the Green Party ( www . greens . org ) is the only political organization worth your vote . I don 't know if any of it will change Cross 's awful probabilities ; maybe we 'll survive in a few more time lines . When I was a kid , I didn 't mind being lonely . Now it 's hard , knowing what I know . Oh , I have lots of friends , all of them wonderful people , but people who know me say that there 's a part of myself that I always keep hidden . They 're right . I don 't think I 'll ever be able to tell anyone about what happened with Cross , what I didn 't do that night . It wouldn 't be fair to them . James Patrick Kelly made his first sale in 1975 , and since has gone on to become one of the most respected and popular writers to enter the field in the last twenty years . Although Kelly has had some success with novels , he has perhaps had more impact to date as a writer of short fiction , and is often ranked among the best short story writers in the business . His story " Think Like a Dinosaur " won him a Hugo Award in 1996 , as did his story " 10 ^ 16 to 1 , " in 2000 . Kelly 's first solo novel , Planet of Whispers , came out in 1984 . It was followed by Freedom Beach , a mosaic novel written in collaboration with John Kessel , and then by the solo novels , Look Into the Sun and Wildside , as well as the chapbook novella , Burn . His short work has been collected in Think Like a Dinosaur and Strange But Not a Stranger . His most recent book are a series of anthologies co - edited with John Kessel : Feeling Very Strange : The Slipstream Anthology , The Secret History of Science Fiction , Digital Rapture : The Singularity Anthology , Rewired : The Post - Cyberpunk Anthology , and Nebula Awards Showcase 2012 . Born in Minneola , New York , Kelly now lives with his family in Nottingham , New Hampshire .

No visitor 's are allowed in the dressing rooms , but , I wanted to get a photo of Susanna and Maddie in their costume 's . I peeked in and a chorus of , " GRAMMA JUDY - - COME IN " rang out . A dozen girls waving me in . I don 't even know most of them , but because , I AM GRAMMA JUDY , I went right in . ( I later asked Maddie how all those girls know me and she said , " Because you come to all our ballet performances , and you comment on Face Book . . . and they all know , Gramma Judy . " Susanna has been accepted HERE . She is a wonderful , very talented dancer . I 've watched her dance since she was seven - - she and Maddie were little mice in their first Nutcracker Ballet . Baccalaureate was at 2 : 00 at a large church across from the school . A Nazarene Church . Now , when I was younger , the Nazarene Church was a scary place to me . No make - up allowed . No jewelry . Times have changed . People attending in their pedal pushers and blue jeans - - WHICH - - personally I think is not appropriate ! ! ! I wanted to wear a dress . Had my panty hose and slip on and the dress , which is quite big on me now . Then , I pulled my two pair of white dress shoes out of the closet . I haven 't worn either pair in 12 years and , they are about a size too small now and they hurt like heck . So - - I pulled on my new pair of white dress pants and a top my sister gave me 12 years ago - - which is also large on me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I even put on some colored moisturizer and MASCARA ! ! ! Which was a real big mistake when they sang , the song above , " Oceans " , " Amazing Grace " and this one : The Prayer Song At the end of the service , Karen advised me that my mascara was all black under my eyes and I advised her that her eyes were all red , also from crying . If Karen hadn 't cried and practically sobbed , I think I would have been okay . Another weird and wonderful thing happened at the beginning , as people were filing in . Karen was talking to the family in front of us . Their Dad was playing the piano and . . . he was playing " Take My Hand Precious Lord . " I want that song played and sung at my funeral and have never been able to figure out who to have do it . Come to find out , the mother and both older sisters are wonderful singers . So - - I just leaned forward and told her and she handed me a business card . Now , you all might think this is completely weird , but you know how I have everything planned and organized and this one particular thing had bothered me . Now , I can put that card in my " funeral box " and I will have my song played and sung ! ! ! YAY ! ! ! All the kids speeches were about their wonderful future . I remember those kinds of speeches at my own graduation - - 57 years ago . Has any of your lives turned out like you thought it would on your graduation day ? I won 't tell any of these kids anything negative about the future . They go forth with so many choices , so many opportunities - - much more fortunate than we were at that age . Perhaps they will have wonderful , happy and fulfilled lives . Now I remember ! ! ! It was Jan at " Stand and Stare " that read the " The Age Of Miracles " book . She said for 36 hours she read while she cooked , ate and ignored her hubby . Yeah - - it was that kind of book . I tried to draw it out , so I would only allow myself to read a couple of hours each night . I finished it last night . " It still amazes me how little we really knew . . . . Maybe everything that happened to me and my family had nothing at all to do with the slowing . It 's possible , I guess . But I doubt it . I doubt it very much . " On a seemingly ordinary Saturday in a California suburb , Julia and her family awake to discover , along with the rest of the world , that the rotation of the earth has suddenly begun to slow . The days and nights grow longer and longer , gravity is affected , the environment is thrown into disarray . Yet as she struggles to navigate an ever - shifting landscape , Julia is also coping with the normal disasters of everyday life - the fissures in her parents ' marriage , the loss of old friends , the hopeful anguish of first love , the bizarre behavior of her grandfather who , convinced of a government conspiracy , spends his days obsessively cataloging his possessions . As Julia adjusts to the new normal , the slowing inexorably continues . Even though I saw my flip - chart say it was Friday today - - all day it felt like Saturday . I have so many things coming up and I am afraid I am going to miss them , I guess . Tomorrow afternoon , Madeleine 's last ballet recital - - there will be tears . I still see her as that little 3 year old just starting ballet . < sigh > Sunday is Baccalaureate . I looked outside early this morning and Darlene was walking down the street in , what I thought was a nightgown . She went into Jackie 's house and came out later - - looked over here and must have thought I was still asleep , because she didn 't come over . I have no idea why she lied . She never came over here . My door was not locked , in fact it was open to catch the early morning cool breeze . " Oh - Heavens no ! I went to a high end store and tried on . . . like . . twenty dresses . It is a size 10 and fits me to a T . " " It 's like a tank top with a V neckline . White on the top , red from the bust to the hip and then a floor length skirt of black . It sort of flows when I walk . " " HA ! I will look better than the mother of the bride AND the mother of the groom . Everyone else is wearing a street length dress . No one is wearing a floor length gown except me ! " Today , the Fed Ex truck delivered the long handled dandelion weeder thingie I ordered for Pearl and I to share . I grabbed the box and went right up to their place , the minute Dar left . Merle opened up the long box and tipped it up and . . . out fell TWO ! ! ! Exactly alike ! Now - - Pearl and I can use them at the same time and along with my long handled trowel - - we are going to be able to weed her little front garden . We are going to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday , as it is suppose to rain Monday . My friend Mary , who lived behind me , moved to an apartment . She sold her place to the parents of the Yippy dog , who lived just across the street . A guy moved into their place . He walks by here with his old Cocker Spaniel a couple of times a day . We have waved . This evening , I was out watering and saw him and walked out to the street to pet the dog . He introduced himself and I told him my name and then . . . . . I learned more about this guy in 15 minutes than I learned about Fred in a week ! ! ! This guy talked fast and a lot . Now - - don 't feel bad for me and my finger . Yes - - a lot of us didn 't have the perfect " Leave It To Beaver " childhood . I don 't think our parents necessarily thought each day how they could be uncaring , unloving or just down right mean to us . It 's just that , when it is a seemingly unloving PARENT - - it makes it so much worse and influences our adult lives much more . I really am glad that it was my Daddy and not my Mother who was so strict and uncaring - - so , I 'm lucky that way . I can remember my sister and I standing by Daddy 's bed , when he was in Hospice and completely drugged out of it . Susan said , " Just say it ! Just say it once , before it is too late ! " Meaning , just say I love you - - - but it didn 't happen . About two weeks after my Daddy died , I was sitting out on the front porch - - in the middle of the night . I felt my Daddy 's presence real strong . Now - - I 'm not one for believing that dead people 's spirits come around and visit us - - although I have had a " sighting " of my Grandmother after she died . I just felt my Daddy 's presence . So I just said , " Daddy , I forgive you . " and then I said , " Dear God , please forgive my father . " Strangest thing - - for two weeks I had sleepless nights or nights filled with nightmares . When I said those few words , a feeling when through me of such peace . I can 't describe it . It was a total relaxation of my shoulders and peace in my insides - - everything just very still . Now , unless asked , I rarely think of my Daddy 's treatment of me . It doesn 't matter . Forgiveness is such a powerful thing . Not for the person we forgive , but for ourselves . It doesn 't mean that they get away with what they 've done , it 's just that we aren 't going to let the way they treated us , poison our minds and souls . That person doesn 't even have to know we have forgiven them . People say , " I can forgive , but not forget , " well , it was real strange for me . When I did forgive . I did forget . I rarely think of those people at all . I am hoping Jennifer can forgive me . I know we won 't ever have a close relationship , like Pammie and Karen and I have , I have felt intimidated by Jennifer ever since she was about 16 years old . At least we can be pleasant to each other and loving in some kind of way . The other day when Pammie called , one thing she said , " I think now would be a providential time to send that card to Jennifer . " So , I did . I made a " Missing You " card and mailed it this morning , so she will get it tomorrow , when she is home alone . Inside , my words were carefully chosen . It has to be ME taking all the blame , and that 's all right . I will not imply that she misunderstood , even if she did . There is no need here to score points or try and reason / explain to her . That is not at all necessary . I want my child back . She feels I was wrong and that is that . It 's all good . I ordered 2 pair of dress pants for summer wear . One white and one sort of khaki color . The white ones have a fabric stripe running down them - - really quite chic looking . I 've always worn Tall sizes . My inseam is 34 inches . I know - - it is ridiculous ! I am short from shoulder to bottom and long the rest of the way . Fred wore a 32 length and he was taller than me . My friend Ernie was only 5 ' 8 " and yet when we sat down , he was taller than me . The last couple of pairs of Jeans I have ordered were 14T - - misses size . They fit perfectly in length and not too baggy in seat and thighs . I order the slim cut . So , last week , I ordered these two pair of Worthington dress slacks . 14T . They arrived today and are at least 2 inches too long ! I suppose nowadays , women wear 3 inches spikes with their trousers ? Why anyone nearly six feet tall would want to wear 3 inch spikes is beyond me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anyway , I have been hemming these pants all afternoon . Quite luckily , they were hemmed with a nice hem tape , so all I had to do was cut away the stitches that held them to the pants , move the hem up a bit and re - stitch them with tiny little stitches . I have always enjoyed hand stitching and my mother taught me how to put in a hem that stitches wouldn 't show on the outside of the pants . It occurred to me this afternoon that I have no dress shoes to wear with the pants . I can 't very well wear my New Balance sneakers to some of the graduation celebrations - - for example , Baccalaureate . I need a nice sandal to wear . Because of my hips and having to wear lifts in one or the other shoe , I haven 't worn anything except sneakers and loafers for the last five years . I do have a pair of sandals - - probably 15 years old . Tomorrow I am going to get them out of the closet and see if I can clean and polish them up . If not - - it will be a quick trip to Wal - Mart to see what they might have . My feet are not pretty anymore , even though I still polish my toe nails - - I can 't remember if my sandals have a full heel or not . Oh botheration ! ! ! My Daddy was a farmer . He wore bib overalls all the time . He didn 't wear a belt that he could just yank out of the loops and use when punishment was meted out . We DID have a Willow tree , which could have been used for switches I suppose , but apparently Daddy wanted something that was within reach and handy . It was called THE RUBBER HOSE . It was the hose part off an old tire pump . Luckily , the metal ends had been cut off or it would have been deadly . As it was , when wielded , THE RUBBER HOSE stung like a hundred bees and left welts , but no cuts . In the kitchen , there was a ledge with coat hooks on it , right near the table . THE RUBBER HOSE lay , straight as a big , black snake on top of that ledge . All Daddy had to do was reach up and get it . Our kitchen table was only about six feet long . Daddy sat on one end , Mother on the other , nearest the stove , and I sat in the middle of the side . Here we sat - - within easy reach of each other AND the food , but , there was no reaching for food . You had to ask , " Please pass me the bread , " although it was about six inches from the top of Daddy 's plate . I was the much awaited first girl child born to my Daddy 's family in three generations . I suppose there was much weight put on me to be brought up to be obedient , have impeccable manners , and quiet . This darling little blond haired girl with beautiful ringlets put in her hair every morning and always in a cute dress , was not living up to their concept . Thus , the need for strict discipline to ensure that end . One afternoon , after a whipping from THE RUBBER HOSE , for something I do not remember - - I was about six at the time . I sneaked that odious thing outside and commenced to bury it in the garden across the drive . I must not have been a very clever minded child as I didn 't take it far away to bury it and my Mother observed me through the window . He got up from the table , went outside and to the flower garden , reached down and pulled that snake from the dirt . I got as far as the living room before he caught me and gave me a couple slaps on the legs with it . Then he calmly , went back into the kitchen and sat down to eat his supper . Mother started supper and I laid down on the couch and fell asleep . It seemed like only minutes and Daddy was back inside and Mother was calling me to come to supper . I was still very drowsy , but I walked out to the kitchen , trying to rub my eyes awake . I reached for my glass of milk and of course , as I often did , tipped it over . Daddy rapped my hand with the knife handle , while Mother got up to get a towel to clean up my spill . I was an extremely nervous child at meal times - - I wonder why ? I didn 't eat much because my throat would close up and my tummy would feel sick . Just as I was about to open the door , Daddy was behind me and slammed it shut in front of me . Then he raised his hand with THE RUBBER HOSE . That took his hand off the door and I opened it and ran inside . Just then , he slammed the door and the end of my right index finger was in between the door latch and the frame and it was cut off . Mother came running in and got a washcloth wet and put it over my finger . Of course , it wouldn 't quit bleeding . She sat me down on the toilet lid and went back out into the kitchen . Mother tied a string just under the cut off part and wrapped a towel around it . Daddy picked me up and carried me to the car . The hospital was in Durand , only about twelve miles away . It was a Sunday , so Mother told Daddy maybe we should stop and call and see if the hospital was open . If it wasn 't , then we would have to go on to the next town , twenty miles away . Daddy carried me in and upstairs to the operating room and laid me on the table . The doctor and nurse were there . I was still crying and yelling and the doctor put three numbing shot in my finger , which made me scream even louder . Daddy almost fainted , so they made him leave . They cleaned up the ragged wound and stitched it up . The doctor told Mother that I probably wouldn 't have a finger nail on that finger . ( Unfortunately , there must have been enough left in the nail bed to give me that awful looking , thick , nub of a nail . ) When we got home , my Grandma was there . She had driven up , gone in the house , saw the table still set with the food . Saw the blood all over the bathroom and knew something bad had happened , so she sat down and waited for us to get home . I had to go to the doctor 's office twice a week for a couple of weeks . Each time , he 'd take the bandage off , soak my finger in Iodine and then redress it . Once or twice , he had to cut the " proud flesh " off , where it was growing out of the wound . These visits were very painful . The Iodine bath was awful . On one of these visits , when the doctor came into the room and started toward me , I started screaming and crying and then kicked out at him . His solution - - slap me across the face . My short index finger has never hampered me . The only change I had to make was learning how to use a pencil by gripping it with my thumb and middle finger and let my index finger lay on the top of the pencil . Of course people notice and ask and I just say it was the result of a childhood accident . Kids notice it more than anyone and I use it to tell them how to be careful , to not slam doors , and make sure your fingers aren 't sticking out when they close a door . I don 't know why my Daddy was so severe with me . He was never even spanked as a child , so he didn 't grow up in an abusive atmosphere . He used THE RUBBER HOSE on me on many occasions . The last time - - I broke curfew a week before I was to be married . He met me at the front door and hit me all over my shoulders and back . Remember , back in the 80 's when it became popular for the psychology community to have mature children confront their parents about how they were raised ? Remember that ? I thought that perhaps if my Daddy and I had one of those kinds of talks - - it might help me . He might be able to explain his actions and why he was so strict , critical and acted like he didn 't like me . He never treated my little sister like he had treated me . " Daddy , it was the night of Great Grandma 's ninetieth birthday . It was on a Sunday . October twenty - eighth . You couldn 't have been deer hunting . Deer season doesn 't open until November fifteenth . " So - - the moral of this story is : there is none . If you had a Daddy that treated you like you were his Princess and loved you and let you know it - - be very grateful . Because if you had a critical , what you felt was an unloving Daddy , it has influenced the rest of your adult life - - in the way you relate to important men in your life . . and those relationships , most probably , haven 't been good ! Bella - - I have a bone to pick with you ( that 's a weird saying , isn 't it ? ) - - anyway , I started reading " The Age of Miracles " last evening . You are right . 2 : 00 a . m . and I finally made myself put it down and go to bed . WOW ! ! It is a fascinating read ! ! They have also found that the church school was using an old way of testing the children , ( Iowa testing ) so their grades and GPA 's were inflated . Many teacher 's left and now a lot of classes are taught by mother 's . Many families have pulled their children from the school and have also left the church . To me this is a real tragedy . To realize after all this time that you thought your child was getting a superior education only to find out , they are far behind other children their age . How are they ever to catch up in public school . The kids are thrilled to be going to public school this next fall . Their classes , especially this last year , have been chaotic to say the least . There has been a large influx of troubled children enrolled . Children that other schools had refused to take because they needed a different , special atmosphere - - for the Autistic , or the developmentally challenged , or emotionally troubled . There has been much sadness and shocking news to the family that had embedded themselves and their money and time in the church and school . As the Mother said , " We have been drinking the Kool - Aid for five years and now we find . . . it was poisoned all along . " For the fifth time in 14 years , the parents had thought to move and the father to go to work for his father . The Grandfather is very wealthy . He has many offices and he has wanted his son to take over the business , but . . . he won 't release his hold . He won 't allow his son to come in with new ways of treatment . Ways that are more modern and have proved to be better . He still wants control . Each time , the son has realized this and in the end , decided to stay where he was . The Grandfather took the son and two of his children on spring vacation to Aruba , where he had long talks with the son . Promising the son many things . The son thought , perhaps this time , his father was ready . He and the Mother thought to move . Two weeks ago , the Grandfather has started reneging on his promises . Salary pay was lowered . Control was back in his favor , so the Father and Mother decided to keep their family here . With their eldest son starting high school next fall , they wanted to be in a permanent location so as not to disturb the children during their school years . So here they will stay . The older sister mentioned , " This minister that you now find out is mentally unstable , is the same one that told you not to forgive your Mom . That " honor thy Mother , " did not come into play . " The Mother , nodded her head and said , " It probably would be a good idea if I made up with Mom . " This happens from time to time and I can 't figure it out . What happened during the night that caused me to wake up feeling these emotions - - when there is NO REASON for me to have these emotions ? It makes no sense ! I have had a couple of therapists tell me that when we sleep , our sub - conscious mind awakes and tries to work out and deal with what we do not address in our waking moments . Apparently there is something going on in my mind that I am not thinking of or trying to ignore in my wakeful moments ? Just weird ! ! I missed church and really didn 't care . My neighbor 's were mowing their lawns and that angered me . Why do they have to do that on a Sunday . They were home yesterday , why didn 't they mow then ? In my state of mind today - - all sorts of little things make me angry . I ordered this and it arrived Saturday , so I decided after lunch to go out and try it . Works great ! ! ! I cannot get down on the ground to weed with my hand trowel . I cannot get down on my Scoot ' n Do little wheeled seat to weed with my hand trowel . This works and after I loosen up the dirt , I only have to bend down once to pull out the weed / grass . I came in and sat down to watch the baseball game and decided to cross stitch . It just doesn 't feel right to be doing hand - work in this kind of weather . Being nestled inside during the winter months , is conducive to stitching or crocheting , but . . . not in this kind of weather . So , I read a few chapters of a new book I have , the last in the " Walk " series by Richard Paul Evans . This has been a very good series of books - - I have enjoyed them immensely . They read so easily . The plants on my porch are looking real good - - pots filling out nicely . The gardening centers around here refuse to sell Impatiens because a couple of years ago they ran into a dust mold thingie . I bought mine at Lowe 's and there is not one thing wrong with them . Next year , I go to Lowes and Wal - Mart first to get my annuals . The fancy gardening centers will not be visited unless I cannot find exactly what I want at the other places . I walked up to visit Pearl this morning and she was in a really bad mood ! " I 've been married fifty - nine years ! Merle has never been one to ever compliment me , but now . . . . that man is getting so mean ! " " Oh yes . He doesn 't show it to the world , but . . . . . It exasperates me when I ask him a question and he doesn 't answer . I know he hears me - - he just won 't answer . All it would take it a Yes or No or I don 't know . He just sits there reading . " " I am in the process of sanding the top of the dining room table . It needs to be refinished . He comes in from work and tells me I 'm doing it all wrong . I 'm seventy - eight years old and have done this sort of thing for over forty years and HE is telling me I don 't know what I 'm doing ? " " It 's just all the time now . He told me the other day that I should just throw out the cell phone and the laptop because I was too stupid to use them . I had plants that I needed to get in the pots and I asked him if he 'd pick up the heavy bag of dirt and pour some in the pots and he said , " Next year I don 't think you should plant anything if you have to ask for help ' " " Sweet ? I 'd like to bash him up side the head . Sometimes I get sort of shaky , I am so angry at him . I want to throw something at him . We sit here at night . . . three feet apart . . . and he won 't talk . . . won 't answer me if I ask a question . . . just ignores me . I just want to get up and slap him ! " He was supposed to help her weed her front garden - - two weeks ago - - hasn 't done it yet . I am going down next week and do it . Pearl can 't bend over . Pearl is still dizzy from her fall . I can 't bend over very well , but I can do it better than her . Tonight I went outside to see if I could see the Meteor Shower . I stood and looked up so long that I made myself dizzy . Can you still stand and look up and not feel unsteady ? I saw a few , zipping through space , but the one thing I did notice . . . the star that connects the cup to the handle of the Big Dipper is very dim . I know , it has been 30 years since I used to lay outside on the lawn , at night and look at the stars and it was bright them , but . . . . . knowing it is fading , sort of made me sad . My Forsythia didn 't bloom . My Lilacs hardly bloomed . My Privet hedge looks dead , as do my Rose Of Sharon bushes . Stars are growing dim and dying . . . and so am I . I think I need to go to bed , instead of pondering ! An unfinished woman . I figured by now , I 'd know it all - - but it seems everyday , something either changes or something new comes along for me to tackle . I still haven 't figured out who I am or what I want to be . I just know , I am putting one foot in front of the other and going - - ever forward . We managed to get two rainy days in a row . It 's just what the lawn doctor ordered . Everything is green and lush again . It looks like a rain forest outside . . . This apron was made in April ( ? ) . Time is just passing me by it seems with so many appointments and early morning trips to the eye clinic . The second su . . . My life is not without challenges . Like so many of us , there are many more challenges than I would like . But I sit here today and I look out at the sun s . . . I 'm still working on Ukrainian Easter Eggs . I 'm so happy to be able to make them . I still have difficulty getting a good photo of the eggs , though . . . . My oldest daughter 's father has died . He is not the one who molested the girls , he was just a deadbeat dad . Ever since I left him he had struggled to liv . . . Tis the season you guys . . . . I have not forgotten . . . . Angel Man who keeps me sane all year round . This year I would just like to lick him lol . . . what is w . . .

No visitor 's are allowed in the dressing rooms , but , I wanted to get a photo of Susanna and Maddie in their costume 's . I peeked in and a chorus of , " GRAMMA JUDY - - COME IN " rang out . A dozen girls waving me in . I don 't even know most of them , but because , I AM GRAMMA JUDY , I went right in . ( I later asked Maddie how all those girls know me and she said , " Because you come to all our ballet performances , and you comment on Face Book . . . and they all know , Gramma Judy . " Susanna has been accepted HERE . She is a wonderful , very talented dancer . I 've watched her dance since she was seven - - she and Maddie were little mice in their first Nutcracker Ballet . Baccalaureate was at 2 : 00 at a large church across from the school . A Nazarene Church . Now , when I was younger , the Nazarene Church was a scary place to me . No make - up allowed . No jewelry . Times have changed . People attending in their pedal pushers and blue jeans - - WHICH - - personally I think is not appropriate ! ! ! I wanted to wear a dress . Had my panty hose and slip on and the dress , which is quite big on me now . Then , I pulled my two pair of white dress shoes out of the closet . I haven 't worn either pair in 12 years and , they are about a size too small now and they hurt like heck . So - - I pulled on my new pair of white dress pants and a top my sister gave me 12 years ago - - which is also large on me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I even put on some colored moisturizer and MASCARA ! ! ! Which was a real big mistake when they sang , the song above , " Oceans " , " Amazing Grace " and this one : The Prayer Song At the end of the service , Karen advised me that my mascara was all black under my eyes and I advised her that her eyes were all red , also from crying . If Karen hadn 't cried and practically sobbed , I think I would have been okay . Another weird and wonderful thing happened at the beginning , as people were filing in . Karen was talking to the family in front of us . Their Dad was playing the piano and . . . he was playing " Take My Hand Precious Lord . " I want that song played and sung at my funeral and have never been able to figure out who to have do it . Come to find out , the mother and both older sisters are wonderful singers . So - - I just leaned forward and told her and she handed me a business card . Now , you all might think this is completely weird , but you know how I have everything planned and organized and this one particular thing had bothered me . Now , I can put that card in my " funeral box " and I will have my song played and sung ! ! ! YAY ! ! ! All the kids speeches were about their wonderful future . I remember those kinds of speeches at my own graduation - - 57 years ago . Has any of your lives turned out like you thought it would on your graduation day ? I won 't tell any of these kids anything negative about the future . They go forth with so many choices , so many opportunities - - much more fortunate than we were at that age . Perhaps they will have wonderful , happy and fulfilled lives . Now I remember ! ! ! It was Jan at " Stand and Stare " that read the " The Age Of Miracles " book . She said for 36 hours she read while she cooked , ate and ignored her hubby . Yeah - - it was that kind of book . I tried to draw it out , so I would only allow myself to read a couple of hours each night . I finished it last night . " It still amazes me how little we really knew . . . . Maybe everything that happened to me and my family had nothing at all to do with the slowing . It 's possible , I guess . But I doubt it . I doubt it very much . " On a seemingly ordinary Saturday in a California suburb , Julia and her family awake to discover , along with the rest of the world , that the rotation of the earth has suddenly begun to slow . The days and nights grow longer and longer , gravity is affected , the environment is thrown into disarray . Yet as she struggles to navigate an ever - shifting landscape , Julia is also coping with the normal disasters of everyday life - the fissures in her parents ' marriage , the loss of old friends , the hopeful anguish of first love , the bizarre behavior of her grandfather who , convinced of a government conspiracy , spends his days obsessively cataloging his possessions . As Julia adjusts to the new normal , the slowing inexorably continues . Even though I saw my flip - chart say it was Friday today - - all day it felt like Saturday . I have so many things coming up and I am afraid I am going to miss them , I guess . Tomorrow afternoon , Madeleine 's last ballet recital - - there will be tears . I still see her as that little 3 year old just starting ballet . < sigh > Sunday is Baccalaureate . I looked outside early this morning and Darlene was walking down the street in , what I thought was a nightgown . She went into Jackie 's house and came out later - - looked over here and must have thought I was still asleep , because she didn 't come over . I have no idea why she lied . She never came over here . My door was not locked , in fact it was open to catch the early morning cool breeze . " Oh - Heavens no ! I went to a high end store and tried on . . . like . . twenty dresses . It is a size 10 and fits me to a T . " " It 's like a tank top with a V neckline . White on the top , red from the bust to the hip and then a floor length skirt of black . It sort of flows when I walk . " " HA ! I will look better than the mother of the bride AND the mother of the groom . Everyone else is wearing a street length dress . No one is wearing a floor length gown except me ! " Today , the Fed Ex truck delivered the long handled dandelion weeder thingie I ordered for Pearl and I to share . I grabbed the box and went right up to their place , the minute Dar left . Merle opened up the long box and tipped it up and . . . out fell TWO ! ! ! Exactly alike ! Now - - Pearl and I can use them at the same time and along with my long handled trowel - - we are going to be able to weed her little front garden . We are going to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday , as it is suppose to rain Monday . My friend Mary , who lived behind me , moved to an apartment . She sold her place to the parents of the Yippy dog , who lived just across the street . A guy moved into their place . He walks by here with his old Cocker Spaniel a couple of times a day . We have waved . This evening , I was out watering and saw him and walked out to the street to pet the dog . He introduced himself and I told him my name and then . . . . . I learned more about this guy in 15 minutes than I learned about Fred in a week ! ! ! This guy talked fast and a lot . Now - - don 't feel bad for me and my finger . Yes - - a lot of us didn 't have the perfect " Leave It To Beaver " childhood . I don 't think our parents necessarily thought each day how they could be uncaring , unloving or just down right mean to us . It 's just that , when it is a seemingly unloving PARENT - - it makes it so much worse and influences our adult lives much more . I really am glad that it was my Daddy and not my Mother who was so strict and uncaring - - so , I 'm lucky that way . I can remember my sister and I standing by Daddy 's bed , when he was in Hospice and completely drugged out of it . Susan said , " Just say it ! Just say it once , before it is too late ! " Meaning , just say I love you - - - but it didn 't happen . About two weeks after my Daddy died , I was sitting out on the front porch - - in the middle of the night . I felt my Daddy 's presence real strong . Now - - I 'm not one for believing that dead people 's spirits come around and visit us - - although I have had a " sighting " of my Grandmother after she died . I just felt my Daddy 's presence . So I just said , " Daddy , I forgive you . " and then I said , " Dear God , please forgive my father . " Strangest thing - - for two weeks I had sleepless nights or nights filled with nightmares . When I said those few words , a feeling when through me of such peace . I can 't describe it . It was a total relaxation of my shoulders and peace in my insides - - everything just very still . Now , unless asked , I rarely think of my Daddy 's treatment of me . It doesn 't matter . Forgiveness is such a powerful thing . Not for the person we forgive , but for ourselves . It doesn 't mean that they get away with what they 've done , it 's just that we aren 't going to let the way they treated us , poison our minds and souls . That person doesn 't even have to know we have forgiven them . People say , " I can forgive , but not forget , " well , it was real strange for me . When I did forgive . I did forget . I rarely think of those people at all . I am hoping Jennifer can forgive me . I know we won 't ever have a close relationship , like Pammie and Karen and I have , I have felt intimidated by Jennifer ever since she was about 16 years old . At least we can be pleasant to each other and loving in some kind of way . The other day when Pammie called , one thing she said , " I think now would be a providential time to send that card to Jennifer . " So , I did . I made a " Missing You " card and mailed it this morning , so she will get it tomorrow , when she is home alone . Inside , my words were carefully chosen . It has to be ME taking all the blame , and that 's all right . I will not imply that she misunderstood , even if she did . There is no need here to score points or try and reason / explain to her . That is not at all necessary . I want my child back . She feels I was wrong and that is that . It 's all good . I ordered 2 pair of dress pants for summer wear . One white and one sort of khaki color . The white ones have a fabric stripe running down them - - really quite chic looking . I 've always worn Tall sizes . My inseam is 34 inches . I know - - it is ridiculous ! I am short from shoulder to bottom and long the rest of the way . Fred wore a 32 length and he was taller than me . My friend Ernie was only 5 ' 8 " and yet when we sat down , he was taller than me . The last couple of pairs of Jeans I have ordered were 14T - - misses size . They fit perfectly in length and not too baggy in seat and thighs . I order the slim cut . So , last week , I ordered these two pair of Worthington dress slacks . 14T . They arrived today and are at least 2 inches too long ! I suppose nowadays , women wear 3 inches spikes with their trousers ? Why anyone nearly six feet tall would want to wear 3 inch spikes is beyond me , but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anyway , I have been hemming these pants all afternoon . Quite luckily , they were hemmed with a nice hem tape , so all I had to do was cut away the stitches that held them to the pants , move the hem up a bit and re - stitch them with tiny little stitches . I have always enjoyed hand stitching and my mother taught me how to put in a hem that stitches wouldn 't show on the outside of the pants . It occurred to me this afternoon that I have no dress shoes to wear with the pants . I can 't very well wear my New Balance sneakers to some of the graduation celebrations - - for example , Baccalaureate . I need a nice sandal to wear . Because of my hips and having to wear lifts in one or the other shoe , I haven 't worn anything except sneakers and loafers for the last five years . I do have a pair of sandals - - probably 15 years old . Tomorrow I am going to get them out of the closet and see if I can clean and polish them up . If not - - it will be a quick trip to Wal - Mart to see what they might have . My feet are not pretty anymore , even though I still polish my toe nails - - I can 't remember if my sandals have a full heel or not . Oh botheration ! ! ! My Daddy was a farmer . He wore bib overalls all the time . He didn 't wear a belt that he could just yank out of the loops and use when punishment was meted out . We DID have a Willow tree , which could have been used for switches I suppose , but apparently Daddy wanted something that was within reach and handy . It was called THE RUBBER HOSE . It was the hose part off an old tire pump . Luckily , the metal ends had been cut off or it would have been deadly . As it was , when wielded , THE RUBBER HOSE stung like a hundred bees and left welts , but no cuts . In the kitchen , there was a ledge with coat hooks on it , right near the table . THE RUBBER HOSE lay , straight as a big , black snake on top of that ledge . All Daddy had to do was reach up and get it . Our kitchen table was only about six feet long . Daddy sat on one end , Mother on the other , nearest the stove , and I sat in the middle of the side . Here we sat - - within easy reach of each other AND the food , but , there was no reaching for food . You had to ask , " Please pass me the bread , " although it was about six inches from the top of Daddy 's plate . I was the much awaited first girl child born to my Daddy 's family in three generations . I suppose there was much weight put on me to be brought up to be obedient , have impeccable manners , and quiet . This darling little blond haired girl with beautiful ringlets put in her hair every morning and always in a cute dress , was not living up to their concept . Thus , the need for strict discipline to ensure that end . One afternoon , after a whipping from THE RUBBER HOSE , for something I do not remember - - I was about six at the time . I sneaked that odious thing outside and commenced to bury it in the garden across the drive . I must not have been a very clever minded child as I didn 't take it far away to bury it and my Mother observed me through the window . He got up from the table , went outside and to the flower garden , reached down and pulled that snake from the dirt . I got as far as the living room before he caught me and gave me a couple slaps on the legs with it . Then he calmly , went back into the kitchen and sat down to eat his supper . Mother started supper and I laid down on the couch and fell asleep . It seemed like only minutes and Daddy was back inside and Mother was calling me to come to supper . I was still very drowsy , but I walked out to the kitchen , trying to rub my eyes awake . I reached for my glass of milk and of course , as I often did , tipped it over . Daddy rapped my hand with the knife handle , while Mother got up to get a towel to clean up my spill . I was an extremely nervous child at meal times - - I wonder why ? I didn 't eat much because my throat would close up and my tummy would feel sick . Just as I was about to open the door , Daddy was behind me and slammed it shut in front of me . Then he raised his hand with THE RUBBER HOSE . That took his hand off the door and I opened it and ran inside . Just then , he slammed the door and the end of my right index finger was in between the door latch and the frame and it was cut off . Mother came running in and got a washcloth wet and put it over my finger . Of course , it wouldn 't quit bleeding . She sat me down on the toilet lid and went back out into the kitchen . Mother tied a string just under the cut off part and wrapped a towel around it . Daddy picked me up and carried me to the car . The hospital was in Durand , only about twelve miles away . It was a Sunday , so Mother told Daddy maybe we should stop and call and see if the hospital was open . If it wasn 't , then we would have to go on to the next town , twenty miles away . Daddy carried me in and upstairs to the operating room and laid me on the table . The doctor and nurse were there . I was still crying and yelling and the doctor put three numbing shot in my finger , which made me scream even louder . Daddy almost fainted , so they made him leave . They cleaned up the ragged wound and stitched it up . The doctor told Mother that I probably wouldn 't have a finger nail on that finger . ( Unfortunately , there must have been enough left in the nail bed to give me that awful looking , thick , nub of a nail . ) When we got home , my Grandma was there . She had driven up , gone in the house , saw the table still set with the food . Saw the blood all over the bathroom and knew something bad had happened , so she sat down and waited for us to get home . I had to go to the doctor 's office twice a week for a couple of weeks . Each time , he 'd take the bandage off , soak my finger in Iodine and then redress it . Once or twice , he had to cut the " proud flesh " off , where it was growing out of the wound . These visits were very painful . The Iodine bath was awful . On one of these visits , when the doctor came into the room and started toward me , I started screaming and crying and then kicked out at him . His solution - - slap me across the face . My short index finger has never hampered me . The only change I had to make was learning how to use a pencil by gripping it with my thumb and middle finger and let my index finger lay on the top of the pencil . Of course people notice and ask and I just say it was the result of a childhood accident . Kids notice it more than anyone and I use it to tell them how to be careful , to not slam doors , and make sure your fingers aren 't sticking out when they close a door . I don 't know why my Daddy was so severe with me . He was never even spanked as a child , so he didn 't grow up in an abusive atmosphere . He used THE RUBBER HOSE on me on many occasions . The last time - - I broke curfew a week before I was to be married . He met me at the front door and hit me all over my shoulders and back . Remember , back in the 80 's when it became popular for the psychology community to have mature children confront their parents about how they were raised ? Remember that ? I thought that perhaps if my Daddy and I had one of those kinds of talks - - it might help me . He might be able to explain his actions and why he was so strict , critical and acted like he didn 't like me . He never treated my little sister like he had treated me . " Daddy , it was the night of Great Grandma 's ninetieth birthday . It was on a Sunday . October twenty - eighth . You couldn 't have been deer hunting . Deer season doesn 't open until November fifteenth . " So - - the moral of this story is : there is none . If you had a Daddy that treated you like you were his Princess and loved you and let you know it - - be very grateful . Because if you had a critical , what you felt was an unloving Daddy , it has influenced the rest of your adult life - - in the way you relate to important men in your life . . and those relationships , most probably , haven 't been good ! Bella - - I have a bone to pick with you ( that 's a weird saying , isn 't it ? ) - - anyway , I started reading " The Age of Miracles " last evening . You are right . 2 : 00 a . m . and I finally made myself put it down and go to bed . WOW ! ! It is a fascinating read ! ! They have also found that the church school was using an old way of testing the children , ( Iowa testing ) so their grades and GPA 's were inflated . Many teacher 's left and now a lot of classes are taught by mother 's . Many families have pulled their children from the school and have also left the church . To me this is a real tragedy . To realize after all this time that you thought your child was getting a superior education only to find out , they are far behind other children their age . How are they ever to catch up in public school . The kids are thrilled to be going to public school this next fall . Their classes , especially this last year , have been chaotic to say the least . There has been a large influx of troubled children enrolled . Children that other schools had refused to take because they needed a different , special atmosphere - - for the Autistic , or the developmentally challenged , or emotionally troubled . There has been much sadness and shocking news to the family that had embedded themselves and their money and time in the church and school . As the Mother said , " We have been drinking the Kool - Aid for five years and now we find . . . it was poisoned all along . " For the fifth time in 14 years , the parents had thought to move and the father to go to work for his father . The Grandfather is very wealthy . He has many offices and he has wanted his son to take over the business , but . . . he won 't release his hold . He won 't allow his son to come in with new ways of treatment . Ways that are more modern and have proved to be better . He still wants control . Each time , the son has realized this and in the end , decided to stay where he was . The Grandfather took the son and two of his children on spring vacation to Aruba , where he had long talks with the son . Promising the son many things . The son thought , perhaps this time , his father was ready . He and the Mother thought to move . Two weeks ago , the Grandfather has started reneging on his promises . Salary pay was lowered . Control was back in his favor , so the Father and Mother decided to keep their family here . With their eldest son starting high school next fall , they wanted to be in a permanent location so as not to disturb the children during their school years . So here they will stay . The older sister mentioned , " This minister that you now find out is mentally unstable , is the same one that told you not to forgive your Mom . That " honor thy Mother , " did not come into play . " The Mother , nodded her head and said , " It probably would be a good idea if I made up with Mom . " This happens from time to time and I can 't figure it out . What happened during the night that caused me to wake up feeling these emotions - - when there is NO REASON for me to have these emotions ? It makes no sense ! I have had a couple of therapists tell me that when we sleep , our sub - conscious mind awakes and tries to work out and deal with what we do not address in our waking moments . Apparently there is something going on in my mind that I am not thinking of or trying to ignore in my wakeful moments ? Just weird ! ! I missed church and really didn 't care . My neighbor 's were mowing their lawns and that angered me . Why do they have to do that on a Sunday . They were home yesterday , why didn 't they mow then ? In my state of mind today - - all sorts of little things make me angry . I ordered this and it arrived Saturday , so I decided after lunch to go out and try it . Works great ! ! ! I cannot get down on the ground to weed with my hand trowel . I cannot get down on my Scoot ' n Do little wheeled seat to weed with my hand trowel . This works and after I loosen up the dirt , I only have to bend down once to pull out the weed / grass . I came in and sat down to watch the baseball game and decided to cross stitch . It just doesn 't feel right to be doing hand - work in this kind of weather . Being nestled inside during the winter months , is conducive to stitching or crocheting , but . . . not in this kind of weather . So , I read a few chapters of a new book I have , the last in the " Walk " series by Richard Paul Evans . This has been a very good series of books - - I have enjoyed them immensely . They read so easily . The plants on my porch are looking real good - - pots filling out nicely . The gardening centers around here refuse to sell Impatiens because a couple of years ago they ran into a dust mold thingie . I bought mine at Lowe 's and there is not one thing wrong with them . Next year , I go to Lowes and Wal - Mart first to get my annuals . The fancy gardening centers will not be visited unless I cannot find exactly what I want at the other places . I walked up to visit Pearl this morning and she was in a really bad mood ! " I 've been married fifty - nine years ! Merle has never been one to ever compliment me , but now . . . . that man is getting so mean ! " " Oh yes . He doesn 't show it to the world , but . . . . . It exasperates me when I ask him a question and he doesn 't answer . I know he hears me - - he just won 't answer . All it would take it a Yes or No or I don 't know . He just sits there reading . " " I am in the process of sanding the top of the dining room table . It needs to be refinished . He comes in from work and tells me I 'm doing it all wrong . I 'm seventy - eight years old and have done this sort of thing for over forty years and HE is telling me I don 't know what I 'm doing ? " " It 's just all the time now . He told me the other day that I should just throw out the cell phone and the laptop because I was too stupid to use them . I had plants that I needed to get in the pots and I asked him if he 'd pick up the heavy bag of dirt and pour some in the pots and he said , " Next year I don 't think you should plant anything if you have to ask for help ' " " Sweet ? I 'd like to bash him up side the head . Sometimes I get sort of shaky , I am so angry at him . I want to throw something at him . We sit here at night . . . three feet apart . . . and he won 't talk . . . won 't answer me if I ask a question . . . just ignores me . I just want to get up and slap him ! " He was supposed to help her weed her front garden - - two weeks ago - - hasn 't done it yet . I am going down next week and do it . Pearl can 't bend over . Pearl is still dizzy from her fall . I can 't bend over very well , but I can do it better than her . Tonight I went outside to see if I could see the Meteor Shower . I stood and looked up so long that I made myself dizzy . Can you still stand and look up and not feel unsteady ? I saw a few , zipping through space , but the one thing I did notice . . . the star that connects the cup to the handle of the Big Dipper is very dim . I know , it has been 30 years since I used to lay outside on the lawn , at night and look at the stars and it was bright them , but . . . . . knowing it is fading , sort of made me sad . My Forsythia didn 't bloom . My Lilacs hardly bloomed . My Privet hedge looks dead , as do my Rose Of Sharon bushes . Stars are growing dim and dying . . . and so am I . I think I need to go to bed , instead of pondering ! An unfinished woman . I figured by now , I 'd know it all - - but it seems everyday , something either changes or something new comes along for me to tackle . I still haven 't figured out who I am or what I want to be . I just know , I am putting one foot in front of the other and going - - ever forward . We managed to get two rainy days in a row . It 's just what the lawn doctor ordered . Everything is green and lush again . It looks like a rain forest outside . . . This apron was made in April ( ? ) . Time is just passing me by it seems with so many appointments and early morning trips to the eye clinic . The second su . . . My life is not without challenges . Like so many of us , there are many more challenges than I would like . But I sit here today and I look out at the sun s . . . I 'm still working on Ukrainian Easter Eggs . I 'm so happy to be able to make them . I still have difficulty getting a good photo of the eggs , though . . . . My oldest daughter 's father has died . He is not the one who molested the girls , he was just a deadbeat dad . Ever since I left him he had struggled to liv . . . Tis the season you guys . . . . I have not forgotten . . . . Angel Man who keeps me sane all year round . This year I would just like to lick him lol . . . what is w . . .

As I type this I can hardly read the words on the screen . I have a migraine coming on , and for me that means I can not see well for a while before the headache kicks in . It is very frustrating because I need to work on my homework today , and if I can 't do that , or anything else useful , I 'd like to read , but I can 't because I can 't see . I haven 't had a migraine in a couple of months , and they always seem to hit at the worst possible time . Maybe it 's never a good time for a migraine . But here I am with three boys to chase , and no rest in sight . I hope we have a better day as far as behavior goes than we did yesterday . This has been a difficult week . I guess I better call it quits as I can barely see anything now . Oh boy . This could be a long day . Good thing it 's Friday . Not so good that my homework is due tomorrow . Oh well . I am almost done . It just means I may have to finish it tomorrow instead of today . I have to go . It is cold and foggy this morning and I am tempted to turn on the heat in this house . I won 't , though . It 's just a matter of principle . Once it has been warm for a month or more I can 't justify turning on the heat , even though it is below zero outside and only 18 . 8 degrees C in my house . The sun is supposed to come out later , and when it does it will warm up the house . For now , it is chilly in here . Cody and Jamie are in the basement and Micah is crawling around in the living room under my watchful eye . The baby gate to the stairs is open , so I have to be extra careful that he does not breech the barricade and escape this room . What 's on the agenda for today ? I don 't know . I guess what I will probably end up doing is working on my homework in every spare moment that I have . ( Oops , he is trying to escape . Crazy baby ! ) Maybe then I 'll be able to stop thinking about horses . I have not found any more that are suitable for me or my family , so I am playing a waiting game , which is hard . Mike is doing a lot of work in the yard to get ready to put up a fence . Here it is almost May and we still have so much work to do . It isn 't as though I didn 't expect that . I figure we won 't be ready for at least another month . Part of me still thinks this is going to blow over and I will never have another horse again . I hope not though . Wow . The fog is literally billowing through our yard . What a strange day . Micah is nine months old officially today . He has taken to singing . Well , maybe it 's talking , but he does it in this very soft , very high pitch . It 's really adorable . He also just had his top front teeth poke through his gums , finally . One on Saturday and one yesterday . He is already trying to grind his teeth . Gross . Cody never did that , but Jamie did , and it nearly sent me screaming from the room every time . I suppose I am just stalling now . I better go change my laundry . Lately I 'm kind of blank when I post in here . I 'm not sure why . I am hoping to do a few cloth diaper reviews soon , just in case anyone is interested . I think I 'm in one of those times where I have a lot on my mind but don 't necessarily want to post it for all the world to see . Not that all the world reads this blog , even if I wish they would ! Hehe . So , I have been posting in my other blog again . It 's a beautiful day here today and I am enjoying a quiet moment in the house . Micah is sleeping for the moment , though I suspect he will be up soon . Mike and the boys are outside doing some work on the play structure . Mike is also clearing more junk out of the bush . Will the saga never end ? ? Yikes . Anyone who knows us or read my other blog will remember the continuous cleanup that has been going on around here since we began building our house here . For anyone who does not know , this place was basically a glorified dump site when we bought the land . The previous owner hauled in all kinds of buildings and filled them to the very rooftops with junk . The bush all around here has junk spread throughout . I mean weird things . Check out this baby that we pulled out of the bush yesterday , right behind our house . Seriously , what do you suppose this contraption is ? Mike has a guess , but I 'll keep it to myself for now , in case anyone else wants to comment or guess . Anyway , this gives you an idea what I 'm talking about . I don 't mean there are styrofoam coffee cups here and there . I mean entire vehicles , like the three we got rid of on Friday , or deep freezers , or hot water tanks . . . and so on . Not just a few small things to clean up . That 's why even after four years of living here we are still picking things out and hauling them to the dump . Clearing the bush is especially important now that we are looking to keep a horse here . The last thing we want is to have a horse get injured stepping on some rusty metal thing , or worse , get caught in an old barbed wire or page wire fence . We have plenty of that laying around too . Sigh . Seems like we will never rid ourselves of all the old junk . We have made tremendous progress though , so hopefully it will mostly be gone soon . The boys are playing outside right now . They have been riding their bikes this morning . Jamie has learned to pedal a tricycle and Cody can now ride his bicycle without training wheels all by himself . A week ago he needed one of us to start him , but now he can do it without help , though he does have some scrapes and bruises as a result . Yesterday I went riding and today I am sore . Hehe . That 's what happens when you ride after an extended break , like say , four years . Hm . Go figure . Andrea gave me a jumping lesson , which was fun , but a lot of work . I can feel it today in my ribcage , my shoulders and a little in my legs , but not bad . Of course my butt is bruised , and so is my stomach and my thighs because I was in a western saddle when we jumped . Probably not the best idea , but that 's how it went down . Anyway , it was a fun day for me . Micah is slightly improved , but I wouldn 't say he is back to normal just yet . Hopefully soon . I have to sign off now . I might lay down for a bit . Feeling exhausted for some reason . Friday has not only arrived , but Mike is home early and it seems our weekend has begun . Micah and Jamie are both napping , though Micah should be awake soon . He is still not well , but is in a good mood most of the time nevertheless . Today is day nine of his saga . I will not say any more on that subject . I have a clean living room , and a half - clean kitchen so far , plus I have my diapers in the wash so I feel good about the progress I have made so far today . It 's a beautiful day outside and once again there is a fresh breeze blowing in the house . Ironically , just as I typed that , a huge cloud of tractor odor wafted in the window and now it stinks in here . Gross . I just can 't get used to that smell . Blech ! Hehe . I guess I might end up closing all the windows for a while . Mike is going out to pull the old barbed wire fence that is laying on the ground on the outskirts of our property . We don 't know how far around it goes , but it is definitely a hazard for horses , so if we do get one here we have to get rid of it . Besides , it 's just more junk that I want off our land . I also called a scrap metal place this morning and a guy came and took one of our three old junk vehicles away . We have two more , and I think he is coming back for them this afternoon . He said he would be doing three trips . I assumed they would all be today , but I may have been mistaken . I guess we 'll find out . Anyway , they are located in what will be our pasture , so we need them out . I thought we might need our fence done right away because I had a horse to look at tomorrow . He is a buckskin , five years old , green broke and a registered Quarter horse . Anyway , he got sold yesterday , so I guess it was not meant to be . I am kind of sad . I love buckskins , and I was wondering whether perhaps he was the ideal horse for me , but I was obviously wrong . Oh well . Maybe we won 't get one yet . I have no idea . Cody 's attitude is remarkably improved today even though we were out until 9 p . m . last night . Oops . He has been way better today than he has been in a long time . Weird , but I 'll take it . My iPod still got stolen once today , but it was by Jamie . He stuck it under Cody 's fitted sheet . I found it when I went down the hall and heard loud music playing in their room . TobyMac . Oh well . At least he has good taste . So , this is not an exciting post , but I have to go . I forgot to pull out some meat for supper tonight so I have to do that right away . It has been a difficult week , particularly with Micah and also with Cody 's attitude issues , but I see light at the end of the tunnel . Perhaps soon I will even post some pictures of our fence - building ventures . That would be fun . I 'm off for now . Probably going to start my homework this afternoon . My poor baby is trying so hard to poop . I know , too much information . But he 's just a baby , and he hasn 't gone since last Wednesday . Oh the stories I could tell , but I won 't . It is sufficient to say that I am very stressed about it and he is not very happy either . If this goes on another day I will be taking him to a doctor . He is so sweet and smiley despite his discomfort , but now and again he wails , and last night he even slept in my arms for a while because he was so distraught he just wanted to be cuddled . I just wish I could help him . I also had to call poison control again today . I say again because a while back , Jamie drank a bunch of infant tylenol . It turned out to be a non - concern , but I didn 't know that at the time . Same thing today when he apparently ate some prescription diaper rash cream that was Cody 's when he was a baby . I still have it near the change table , and Jamie got a hold of it , took off the lid and that 's when I found him . He said , " Yummy cream , " with a big grin on his face . I knew he had eaten some . That is what he does . So , I called poison control and as it turns out , he will be fine . Well , he may get a stomach ache , maybe some diarrhea and vomiting . . . Great . Well , at least it will not be fatal . That was my main concern . I never had to call poison control when Cody was little . I have to say , it makes me feel fairly inadequate as a mother . Then there 's Cody . Today , he wants to fight , and we certainly have been . It has not been a good day . He has finally given in and settled into some quiet play in the basement . Jamie is sleeping and Micah is wandering around , alternately playing and trying to poop . It reminds me of when I was overdue with him and I felt like I 'd never get him out . I have suddenly drawn a huge blank . I think my brain is spontaneously shutting down . I guess there is no point in saying much else . As I sit here in my chair with my laptop open , the gentlest of summer winds is blowing through my open living room window . It feels fresh , and just the right temperature . It is soothing and inviting . The sun is shining outside and only the very tops of the trees are swaying . Not a single cloud is visible in the sky . This is beautiful weather . It is very warm , but not hot . Anyone who knows me knows I hate the heat . Spring and fall are where it 's at for me . Moderate . That 's what I like . Right now I have my diapers hung on a rack on the front deck . I don 't know why , but that feels comforting to me . In the house , the sounds of domesticity fill my senses . The dishwasher is sloshing and something in it is complaining a bit . The washing machine is spinning , shaking the floor under me subtly . And Cody is playing nicely , though not terribly quietly , in front of me with his cars . Yes , it feels serene in here for the time being , and I am loving it . Micah is in bed for a nap . He is not feeling so great because he has not pooped since last Wednesday . Maybe too much information , but he 's a baby , so these things are never out of bounds in conversations around here . Poor baby . He is mostly happy , but I 'm still somewhat worried . I may have to take him to the doctor in the next day or two . Jamie is also in bed , and he is doing fine . Cody is grumpy today again , but is doing fairly well at the moment . Not sure what has come over him since Friday , but I hope it passes soon . As for myself , well , as I said earlier it 's a beautiful day and somehow that lifts my spirits , even if I am not out there in it . Somehow I feel lighter , freer than I did last week . It may be because of a book I have been reading over the weekend . It 's an interesting book and has changed my thinking in some ways . It may be somewhat controversial , however , so I am not going to mention its title in here . I took what I could from it and tossed the rest , but it was a very profound book . I say " was " , but I am not actually finished reading it just yet . Whatever the case , Posted by Friday has arrived and yet today it brings with it none of the usual sense of relief . Mike will be home , but I don 't expect much backup because he has a final assignment due in his course so he will be busy with that . It 's a real bummer because the weather is going to be beautiful and I was hoping he might get some work done outside , or in the basement . I sound like a real slave driver , but he actually wants to do the work too . Today is also a beautiful day . I don 't remember now , but it may well be the first one we 've had all week . The sun is shining , and in our little clearing there is barely a breeze today . This morning I looked out our patio doors in the kitchen and saw something move on the ridge . I thought it was probably Radar , but I looked more carefully and I saw the back of a coyote gliding along the top of the ridge through the trees . I ran across to the front door and quietly stepped outside , hoping it would come that way where I could see it . I watched the ridge , and sure enough , there he was . He walked along the top and came right out of the trees where I could see him completely . I say " he " because he was quite large . I almost questioned whether he could be a wolf . Actually , upon looking online for photo comparisons between the two , I am not really sure . I hope it was a coyote . I hope it was not a hybrid . Those are apparently popping out of the woodwork these days and my in - laws have seen some around there place , which is not far from here . There was a girl in her early 20s ( I think ) killed by a pack of those recently on the east coast . Anyway , there was a second one following closely behind the first , but this one was smaller . I would guess it was the female . I wondered if maybe there were babies around somewhere . Well , duh . Of course there are . Our bush is full of coyotes , so there are obviously young ones around in the spring . That would be something to see . I have seen plenty of fox kits in my lifetime , but never any coyote pups . Anyway , I felt like I was on a wilderness retreat somewhere . It waThe boys are in the basement right now . Micah is in his crib , but he keeps crying out now and again , so I know they are bothering him with their noise . I am bothered by it today too . I am like an animal with rabies who becomes very agitated with every noise . I guess that 's a silly thing to say , but this week there has been so much whining going on in this house I feel like I am going to lose it . Yesterday was a productive day for me . In the wake of having handed in my latest assignment I worked my butt off to catch up on all my housework . I did a good job of it too . Today I seem to have lost that energy . In fact , I could fall asleep right now very easily . Maybe that 's because I was up at 1 : 30 a . m . with Micah . I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone earlier and the boys were acting obnoxious . For any of you without children , this is just a fact of life . If mom or dad are on the phone , kids automatically act as obnoxious as possible . I went in my room and shut the door , and after a bit they got quiet . I went out again and there they both were . They were on Cody 's bed , underneath the fitted sheet . I rolled my eyes and ignored them . I knew they were eating , but I just didn 't want to know about it . I found out soon enough . Guess what they had ? Fiber One . You know , the cereal . Basically , they might as well have taken laxatives . I sure do look forward to the rest of my day now . Yikes . Oh , and I didn 't post in here yesterday , but you 'll never guess what the highlight of my day was . Okay , I 'll just tell you . The turkey vultures are back ! Haha . Anyone who knows me knows what I am talking about here . When we bought this land it was full of junk , and that is a huge understatement . We are talking about multiple old buildings full to the brim of junk , plus junk all over the place and throughout the bush too . Anyway , we demolished one building where our house now stands , but there was a second building beside our house , right outside our master bedroom windows . I used to jokingly refer to it as the mother - in - law suite , not as a reference to my mother - in - law or my own mother , but because it looked like a second , smaller house right beside the main house that was here before . In truth , it was a very creepy place . The building was old and rotten , and there was this ugly green shingled roof right across from our bedroom . The siding was kind of a peachy pink color , and the other half was just barn - board . There was a door , again , right outside our bedroom window , that used to just swing open and closed at night and it made this classic creaking sound . It was just like something out of a movie . Of course , we kind of ran with our imaginations because there was also a deep freeze in there and it was not empty . It had something in it , and my brother - in - law once joked that it was a body . I 'm not even sure he was entirely joking . You 'd have to know some of the other stuff we found in there to appreciate just how creepy this place was . Anyway , the best ( worst ) part about this building was that it seemed to attract turkey vultures . If you don 't know what a turkey vulture is , I recommend googling it . They are very large birds , completely black except for a bald red head . They have a six foot wingspan , and they eat carrion . They can actually vomit their food at you , and considering one of their favorite delicacies seems to be dead skunks , the whole projectile vomit situation is one you would want to avoid . I would knWow , this is turning into a long story . Okay , so the good news is , that building has been destroyed and is now gone . Phew . That was a relief , getting rid of it . But I got kind of attached to our homely friends , so I was somewhat sad when they did not stick around . The cool thing is , every year they seem to come back and check out their old haunt , and yesterday they did just that . Only three of them , that time , but often they come in groups of six or seven . I know they are ugly birds , but when you watch them soar they can be quite beautiful . They are very graceful in the air and they can soar for upwards of six hours without ever flapping their wings . I think that 's pretty cool . I have had them fly over close enough to ear their wings flapping and I just think they 're kind of neat . I guess it brings back memories of when we first moved here , a mere four years ago . I am glad our yard doesn 't look like a dump anymore though . I 'm also glad that freezer is gone ! So now the boys have invaded my quiet time , and I must go make some lunch . I apologize for the length of this post . I just went on a babbling streak , I guess . I may or may not post over the weekend . Bye for now . Today I abandoned all attempts at being a good housewife and I continued working on my homework . I suppose I did manage to make those famous baked potatoes for supper ( a recipe is in one of my previous posts , but I don 't remember when . Probably almost a year ago ! ) , but other than that I ditched all my duties . I was able to finish my assignment by early this evening , so I was thankful for that . Now I am recovering from the most emotionally taxing part of my day : Putting Micah to bed . That 's right , I find it traumatizing nearly every night . I know , I 'm a wimp . But he takes it so personally and he cries so hard his little chest does these heaving convulsing motions . If I pick him up , he is perfectly calm and leans his head on my shoulder , so I know he just wants to be held . I also know it is not in his best interest to keep him up when he is so tired because he will fight sleep all the way . I just need to learn not to feel so guilty every time . I do follow through , but it feels horrible . Anyway , this has to be brief . Mike and I are going to watch a show and then it 's bed time . I will probably have time to post in here tomorrow now that my homework is done ! Yay ! Goodnight . If I thought yesterday was gloomy , today is definitely much worse ! My boys will not be going outside today , unfortunately . We actually got a thunderstorm this morning , which was kind of exciting . Okay , maybe it would be better classified as thunder showers . Either way , it is very wet outside , and the wind is going to be crazy again today , plus more rain is on the way . I know this sounds silly , but it 's the kind of day that makes me want to bake . I must have childhood memories of my mother baking during this type of weather or something . I will likely be making an apple crisp later on , but this morning I have been working on my homework . Thank goodness for the basement . Cody and Jamie are playing happily down there , and I just put Micah down for a nap . He didn 't appreciate that much , but he seems to have settled . Earlier this morning I was looking for my ipod and it was not where I had left it , on my bed . There were , however , three of Jamie 's stuffed animals laying there conspicuously . I went to the top of the stairs and called Jamie . I asked him if he took my ipod . He said yes . I asked him where he put it . He said , " Hide - seek . " I just sighed . I told him to get up here and show me where it was . He agreed and began plodding up the stairs happily babbling things about the ipod , and his game of " hide - seek " . He got to the top of the stairs and walked down the hall , where he turned into his own bedroom , not mine . He walked over to Cody 's bed , lifted the fitted sheet from the mattress , stuck his entire upper body inside and stuck his hand back out the bottom , holding my ipod . I told him never to do that again . I 'm positive he will . I don 't know what he thought he was going to do with it . He doesn 't know how to use it , though he does know how to turn it on . I guess he just wanted to be cool like his brother , who does the same thing on a regular basis including the part where he hides under his fitted sheet with it . Anyway , I better go . I just took a long break from this post and it is now 1 : 10 p . m . I have Jamie in bed , Micah on the loose , and a bored , whiney four year old hovering . Actually , he has quite whining and decided to play nicely now , so I must work on my homework . I 'm on my own all evening again , so it looks like I won 't be getting much homework done tonight . Some time I have to cook supper too . I might not make that apple crisp after all . Monday is here , and with it some gloomy weather . It is not raining today , but it snowed overnight so it is a tad wet out there . It is also a bit chillier and the wind has picked up once again . All in all , it is not a big deal . It just means the boys are not as anxious to be outside , and I don 't feel particularly inspired by it myself . It will be this way all week , by the look of things . I guess that means I have an opportunity to get as much done in the house as possible . I have homework due on Thursday too , which I am finding quite challenging at the moment . Mike has a major assignment due at the end of the week - a final exam , actually - so we are going to have to take turns watching the boys so the other can get their work done . I just put Micah to bed , but he is blabbing in there , so perhaps I misjudged on my timing . I am not going to get him out right now regardless , because the babble sounds happy , not sad . If he 's happy in there , he can stay there for the moment . Jamie just woke up , so he is now downstairs with Cody . ( Did I mention we now have a safe railing on our staircase ? I think I did . ) They are a little loud down there , considering Micah is supposed to be sleeping , but oh well . I can 't very well mute them when they are playing , can I ? They are boys , after all , and playing quietly is not exactly their style . Not usually , anyway . I would love to have a nap right now , but I can 't do it . If Cody were the only one awake , I could get away with it , but not with Jamie on the loose . So , I shall attempt to do some more work on my homework , and if my brain shuts down part way through , I don 't know what I 'll do . I might force myself to clean some more , but we 'll see . I did work all morning , so I have done lots today . I have one more basket of laundry to fold and put away , that just came out of the dryer . Exciting stuff , this housewife business . Truly , I do not have anything earth - shattering to share today . I 'll end with this quote from Cody . He spilled a ton of water in the bathroom this morning . I think it was an ice cream pail full . Anyway , he shouted to me , " I need some help in here ! " So I went and checked it out . It was pretty extreme , so I grabbed a bath towel off the rack and handed it to him . I told him to go ahead and clean it up . He started wiping the floor , and grumbled like a teenager the whole time . He talked about how he didn 't like it , and he finally said , " This is not my job . " Well . I guess he told me , didn 't he ? I promptly informed him that seeing he was the one who spilled the water , it most definitely was his job . He has not quite grasped that concept yet . Woo hoo ! Other than tremendous noise coming up the staircase , it is quiet in here . Micah seems to have settled , and though the boys are loud downstairs , at least it is somewhat muffled , being on a different floor . Time for me to get at this homework . I am currently trying to work on my homework , but it is impossible due to the antics of Mike and Jamie combined . They are reading stories together which involve animal noises that are both loud and as realistic as possible . I can 't just take my laptop to my room to work , because technically Mike is the one supposed to be working on his homework . Technically , his homework is more crucial than mine because it is for his Masters degree , and mine is just for me . However , I still have a deadline , and as usual , I am a little stressed about my current lesson . Yesterday was a decent day despite continued gale force winds . It was not nearly as bad here as it was in Saskatchewan on Friday , but it was still ridiculously windy . I got out of the house twice , which has got to be some kind of recent record . Once I went to the farm to pick up a few supplies for Mike so he could put a proper railing on our outside stairs . Cody came with me , and upon finding out some of his cousins were there too , he opted to stay there for the afternoon without me . Later , we went back that way and got him and went to a barbecue for my sister - in - law 's birthday . It was nice . I was disappointed in the windy weather because I had a strong craving to be outside , but I know that will come soon enough . I even got to see a calf being born , though from a significant distance . I am not really a fan of cattle , but I must admit I was oddly moved by the sight of this black cow , off by herself in the distance , laboring with no coach , no assistance , and possibly no idea what was happening . Of course , if she was not a first time mother , she likely knew what to expect . I wonder whether cows have long labors like people . I guess they just wander around until they are ready to push . Anyway , I don 't know why , but I found the whole thing very amazing even from that distance and even though I don 't really like cows . I think I personified her too much . I put myself in her place and wondered about her emotions . I don 't know how emotional cows are . I always thought they Posted by Yesterday I was hoping for another good day , and in a way , it was . Once again I felt good enough to get a bunch of housework done , including making a roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy . Yum . However , later in the afternoon we had an incident with Cody that was scary . He fell off the edge of the stairs in the basement and landed on his face on the floor . Our basement is not finished , so the railing is not on the stairs yet . As such , I am always very nervous of the boys being on the stairs , but they know they are not allowed to play on the stairs and they know they are supposed to stay by the wall on the way up and down the stairs . Cody is good with those rules , and I don 't worry about him . Jamie is the one that really scares me . Thankfully , Cody fell off the fourth stair from the bottom , rather than the higher stairs . Even still , his face is banged up and his glasses are bent out of shape . He was scared pretty badly and so was I . At that moment I decided there was no way I could allow them to play in the basement anymore unless one of us was right there with him , which is nearly impossible for me during the day because there is nowhere safe down there for Micah as of yet . So today I had no option of sending them down to play , even though that was the first request out of Jamie 's mouth this morning , and close to it for Cody as well . I am in a supremely bad mood today due to a rough night with Micah , who was hysterical from 12 : 44 a . m . to 1 : 43 or so . It was just horrible . I still don 't know what happened , but I think he may have had a tummy ache . I won 't even tell you about the details of my morning starting at around 6 : 30 a . m . but I will say that by around 7 : 30 I was incredibly angry and I was not even out of bed yet . ( Well , I had been up already with Micah but was trying to settle again . ) Anyway . I won 't talk about it because I will just get angry all over again , but it was a Cody moment that I could have done without . My point is , today of all days I needed the basement . What I did do is send both boPosted by It 's Thursday already and so far a quiet day . Micah is still sleeping and the boys are playing in the basement nicely . Micah was up this morning at about 6 : 30 a . m . to eat , but he went back to sleep relatively well . Now he is out like a light , which makes it easier to get the other two fed and ready for the day . I am feeling fairly good today in terms of my cold . Yesterday I felt great , other than still having a stuffy nose . I got a lot done , and I 'm hoping for the same today , though so far my energy seems to be a bit more depleted than it was yesterday . I must say , having the basement available for the boys to play in has made my week SO much more bearable than normal . The weather is also amazing , so they can go outside too . Yesterday I went out briefly with Cody and helped him ride his bike . He is riding without training wheels now , but he needs help starting up because his bike is a bit too tall for him . Not sure whether that 's adjustable or not , but I 'll have to ask Mike about it . Anyway , he was pretty excited , and he did well . No real falls yet . He just kind of tips over when he stops , again because the bike is too tall for him . Oops . Sounds like Micah might be awake . I think I hear him talking in the background . Just before I go , I must mention that I went to town last night . Very unusual for me , but I have been wanting to buy a certain book and also a bedding set . I went in and met my sister , Andrea , and we went to the mall together . Oh , Micah came too . We didn 't get there til 8 p . m . , so we did not have a whole lot of time . I hit the book store first . My book was not there . Then the quilt store . I did not like the bedding . I did buy some dryer balls though , which I have always wanted to try . For anyone who does not know , they are these funny , rubber , spiky balls that you put in the dryer in place of bounce sheets . They reduce static and act as a fabric softener , and the lady told me they also decrease the time it takes to dry stuff . Well , that all sounds good to me . She said they were good for about two yeaAnd now they are both playing on the stairs again , which is strictly forbidden . I 'm off . Spring break is over and I am once again on my own full - time with these three boys . All of us are sick with yucky colds , though Micah and I are much improved because we got it first . Jamie is in the thick of it , and Cody is at the beginning , as is Mike . Last night I was alone with them too , and I sat on Cody 's bed with him and Jamie reading , " I do dot like greed eggs and hab , I do dot like them Sab I ab ! " Thankfully , they both went to sleep almost immediately after I tucked them in , so it was down to Micah and I . Earlier on , Micah got a new and exciting taste of life . I told Mike , who was preoccupied with his homework , that I was going to leave Micah in the play pen in the living room while I dashed off to the bathroom . I added that it was no longer safe to leave him in the exersaucer because Jamie likes to push Micah 's face into the side like a face - plant . Grrr . So , I use the play pen as a safety zone if I ever have to leave the room without anyone else to watch the other two . When I returned , we prepared supper and I went to get Micah so I could feed him some cereal in his high chair . He looked weird . His chin was covered in drool , but it was tinted black . So were his clothes . I panicked slightly and said , " What do you have ? ! " As I bent over to grab him , I saw a black jelly bean in his fist . A jelly bean ! Good grief ! So , I quickly confiscated it and moved him to his high chair . Wouldn 't you know it , he was still gripping a yellow jelly bean in his other fist . AAHHHH ! ! ! ! When I put the first spoonful of rice cereal in his mouth , he made a face and spit it out as if to say , " What is this slop you 're feeding me ? Bring on the jelly beans ! " I asked Jamie if he gave jelly beans to Micah . He said yes , and then gave me a devilish grin . I didn 't doubt him for one minute . Today , I hope to get things in order around here a little bit . I have one load of laundry going at the moment . That , at the very least , will guarantee that by the end of the day I will have accomplished something . I would love to clean my bedroom , but we 'll see . I can 't take Micah in there because it is not baby safe , so I would have to wait until he is napping in order for that to be possible . The timing may not work today because it looks like once he goes down , the other two will be ready for lunch . Then , after that , Jamie will go down , and by then Micah will probably be ready to get up once again . If he is not , the trick will be mustering up the energy to tackle such a big job . It 's a big job because the whole closet ( walk - in ) needs to be organized , not just the rest of the room . I find the prospect rather overwhelming , but one of these days I will take a deep breath and plunge in . Over spring break , Mike did a ton of work on our basement . It was already mostly framed , but he did most of the wiring as well , and did a whole bunch of cleaning and organizing . He built shelves on the storage room walls and lined them with many , many boxes and items that were littering the whole basement floor prior to that . He rolled out my parents ' old porch carpet in one of the family room areas so the boys can play down there now . When I say it is an old porch carpet , I don 't mean one of those deep green , indoor - outdoor carpets . It is a berber rug in pretty good shape . It actually looks quite nice down there , other than the fact that it is more of an area rug because it does not meet any of the walls . It is the perfect size for Cody 's Geo Trax though . I 'm quite happy with it for the time being . We do not have the money to finish the flooring in our basement this year , and this is the perfect temporary solution . Anyway , I just put Micah down for a nap and I must get ready to make lunch for the other two . Just as I predicted ! Haha . I was on the phone there for a bit while I fed him . Now I better go do something productive . Whew . . . I guess I have taken a longer break from this blog than I even realized . I can 't do a long post right now because I need to lay down . I just wanted to say for the record that as of yesterday I am no longer a mom to three boys ages three and under . Yep , that 's right . Cody turned four yesterday . He has been excited about his birthday for so long , and sadly , none of his cousins could come to his birthday party . ( He doesn 't have any friends outside of his cousins yet , but has so many cousins that he is not missing out at this point . ) I was really , really sad because I knew he wanted to have a party and he wanted his cousins there . However , we told him the day before that nobody could come and that we were going to have a really fun day together as a family . In the morning , he helped me make his birthday cake , which we decorated with M & Ms . He pretty much dumped huge piles of them all over the cake . It was pretty , but wow , that was a LOT of M & Ms ! Mike 's parents were able to come , so that was nice . In the afternoon , I headed back to the fair without Micah , who was sick and still is , but I decided to take Cody along . Just me and my sweet little four year old . I had a blast with him . He was great , and we didn 't get out of there until 8 : 25 p . m . but his attitude was excellent and so far today he has not even been grumpy . Wow . Sadly , I am sick today . My throat is scratchy , my nose stuffed up , and my stomach is not in a good state either , for that matter . We have a huge family gathering today , but I don 't know how Micah or I will survive it . Jamie just came in and said to me , " Mommy , I brokeded Oreo 's cage . " I was not surprised by this admission , as I just heard the terrible clatter of the water bottle and the cage . I wasn 't sure whether the bottle had been removed or whether he had knocked the cage off its base . Either way , it will need to be fixed . Anyway , it has been a very eventful week and I would have posted sooner but for some homework I had to get done , and of course , being out at the fair . We took the whole faPosted by What to say ? In a nutshell , I am married to Mike and we now have three boys which is intimidating , but also amazing ! I have two cats : Cricket ( black and white ) and Tabu ( tabby ) , a black and white mini - lop named Oreo and a German Shepherd cross named Radar for his larger - than - life ears ! ( Trust me on that one ! ) I work for the government , but am currently on leave , taking care of my kids while they are small .

I was awake early on Thursday , October 29 . I had to catch a 6 : 00 AM flight - it is better to get through Atlanta early , before the traffic backs up on the taxiways - for departure . My plane showed up and we made it into Atlanta without circling . I made my connection . I was able to board Zone 1 , because I have a Delta credit card . The two men in front of me wanted to sit together so I asked the guy where his seat was - he had the same seat one aisle back , so I gave him mine . They chatted with each other the entire flight , so it was the thing to do . I had a nice fellow travelling home to Mexico , as my new seat mate . About half way through the flight , someone behind us had a low blood sugar crisis . They called for a doctor and six people got up . They worked on her and got an IV going . We thought we might have to divert to Denver , but nothing was said . The plane then speeded up another 50 miles an hour . So we actually got into Los Angeles half an hour early . They told we had to wait until the paramedics took the lady off . I 'm sure she was embarrassed , but we were glad she was okay and that we were able to land in Los Angeles as scheduled . I had to wait for C . J . , my roommate , so when I finally left the plane and found her gate was over by mine , I waited there for her . My phone rings . My limo service wants to pick me up . I tell the guy he 's too early , it 's only 11 : 30 AM and I ordered my car for 1 : 30 PM . No , he says I have to go now , my plane has landed . I said maybe so , but I had a friend in a wheelchair and there was no way I am leaving her stranded at the airport . Come back at 1 : 30 . We 'll be ready . Half hour later , my phone rings again - the company I booked with is insisting I get picked up right now . I tell them again , not until my friend 's plane lands . They agree to wait for C . J . , but now I have to pay a late fee . Fine , I said . Send the car at 1 : 30 PM , as I requested and I will pay the bloody late fee ! About this time C . J . arrives . My phone rings again . It 's my driver . I tell him we all here now and he can come get us . 40 minutes early . He shows up in a Tesla . I tell him he can 't be for me , I ordered a town car . No , he 's for us . So we get in , his phone rings and they tell him he can 't take us anywhere unless I pay him $ 80 . I won 't agree to that . I tell him to have the original booking company call me . I tell her I will pay the original late fee I agreed to , nothing more . Or we are getting out of the car . I also tell her this is no way to treat a customer who made a good faith reservation for the time she WANTED the car , not when her plane landed . FINALLY , he took the late fee I agreed to and drove us to the hotel . I almost didn 't tip him , but I figured it wasn 't his fault he worked for a greedy company . It was a very nice black Tesla . One more thing off my bucket list . And I didn 't have to catch a ride with Jay Leno OR Jerry Seinfeld . So be aware , if there is more than one of you being picked up ; always give them the last flight number that is coming in . Then they can 't pull this dodge . I may never use that shuttle service again . Our hotel was very nice . They gave us a high floor room away from the con noise . We were very happy with that room . We unpacked ; I retrieved my box of books from the hotel and emailed David we had arrived . C . J . had brought the laptop . I brought Voyage DVDS and we turned the room TV into a big screen . We had a blast watching The Mermaid and Monster from Outer Space and Magnus Beam . Sherry got in touch with us fairly quickly . We decided to meet up and go over to the Convention Hall and pick up our badges . Because we could . There was SUV service from the hotel that dropped us at the convention center . C . J . could not walk far , on account of her car accident , so we parked her . I walked all over , looking for early badge pick - up . We found several booths , including Celebrity badge pick - up , none of which was what we needed . Finally , someone directed me to go outside the hall and through some unmarked side door . There we found badge pick - up . There was one chair outside the door and we parked C . J . in it until she rested enough to make it down to the cab stand . We caught a cab and went downtown to a bar ( and grill ) listed in our hotel guide . It was further than we thought but the food was great . It wasn 't crowded and we ate and drank and had a really good time there . Bar food , but really good bar food . Then we cabbed home . We got up early Friday morning . It was a leisurely morning as the con did not open until 1 : 00 PM . We decided , after the run - around getting our badges on Thursday , we would let the con get good and open , so we could get C . J . a wheelchair . There was no way she would be able to do the con without one . So we got ready . I did the supply run down to Ralph 's grocery , which was walkable , except I got all hot and sweaty again . So with everything finally done , I took yet another shower , gathered what we needed and called Sherry . We went down together and flagged down the SUV drop off service . We paid his $ 10 and were let out in front of the South Hall . We found C . J . a place to sit down , while I trudged over to the nearest check in . They sent me to another desk . No help there . I finally asked a convention center person . He directed me over to the other hall to ask at the information desk there . Once there , the information desk said to go over to the aid station , which luckily was close by . The aid station said there was one chair left . In the South Hall ! So I walked back over THERE and claimed the last chair . I had stashed C . J . and Sherry in the South Hall coffee shop while I walked all over . On my way back in , I picked up C . J 's ID . We got the last wheelchair . It had seen better days and they could not find any footrests to fit on it , but at least it rolled . I went back to the coffee shop , picked up C . J . and we decided we should ( at least ) go find David 's table . Even if he wasn 't there until Saturday , we would be off to a running start on Saturday when that hall opened because we knew where he was . David is prompt to a fault , so we knew we could bring all our items over to sign then as his first customers . We went too far up row 18 . So we crossed over to 19 and came back , counting down the booths . We saw Gary Lockwood first ; then there was Keir and someone who I did not know sitting in David 's booth . We rolled a little farther and there David was with his thatch of white hair and new dark tortoise shell eyeglasses . We did not expect to see him sitting there . David 's pictures were out . He looked all set up to sign . I swung C . J . 's wheelchair around so she faced him and parked her in front of the table , then blurted , " You are not supposed to be here today . The web site said … " David cut me off . " I am too supposed to be here . The con messed up . There is Friday autograph signing in the South Hall . " It was 2 : 00 PM . The hall had been open an hour . We were ( apparently ) the first people David actually knew to come to his table . So I took my smartphone out of my bag , lined up David for a table shot and immediately put on Facebook that he was signing and everyone who follows him there should come on down and get a signed picture . That didn 't help the three folks in Los Angeles I had already told , no , go sightseeing on Friday , the web site said , David won 't be signing until Saturday . At least we had come in to check out where his table was . Taking his picture was easy . Getting it off the camera roll and on to Facebook took a few more clicks . I was working at it , when David asked , " What is taking so long ? " The photo finally went out over the slow CC internet connection . I told him it was done . David grinned . We already were helping . David wanted to know what to charge for the two books of mine he had put out on his table . " You have a sign for that , " I told him . " Back at the hotel , because the con ( website ) posted , you would not be signing in the South Hall until Saturday . I have also money for you and books for the table . " David grinned even wider . " But we left everything at the hotel . I 'll go get them . " David answered , " No , that 's all right . Bring them tomorrow . " C . J . and Sherry had also left the items for David to sign , back in their hotel rooms . I introduced David to C . J . ; he had already been told about her car accident and then to Sherry . I left them there to talk to David . I told him I 'd be back as soon as I could ; with his books and his money and the 6 items I had brought to the con from other people for him to sign . I did not wait for a cab . I could walk the three blocks in the time it took one to get there . So I got all hot and sweaty ( again ) walking back to the hotel . Up in the room , I grabbed the money , threw the sign and books into my rolling suitcase . I then paid the SUV drop off service ( again ) to take me back to the CC . Everything was still packed from the airplane trip . The books travel better in saran wrap . So finally about 2 : 45 PM , I rolled back up to the table . C . J . and Sherry were waiting for me . I didn 't have room to bring their items over , but I had brought enough back with me to set up a six book display , plus I had all the pre - paid items for David to sign . I zipped open the suitcase on the floor behind David 's table and began stripping the saran wrap off . I did the sign and book box John had made to fit into my rolling suitcase . I almost had the book box attached to the sign with masking tape , when David pipes up behind me . " I thought you said you had things for me to sign . " David gets impatient when he knows he has signing to do . " I 'll get them out in a minute , " I told him . " Let me put up the table display ( the sign and the books ) first . " All the sale books were also saran wrapped . I had planned to spend Friday night in the hotel getting everything ( unwrapped ) ready for Saturday morning . I am cursing the con ( under my breath ) at this point , for not listing David as signing on Friday so I could have been at his table at the 1 : 00 PM opening , with everything ready to display . David insisted he wanted to sign something . Right now . I stopped putting the sign together , turned around , and took his money out of my wallet . I tossed the money down on the table in front of him . " Here , count your money and I will find something for you to sign . " David looked at the pile of money on the table and winked at C . J . " Now I can retire , " he joked , as he scooped up the bills and put them into in his pants pocket . Trust me , it wasn 't that much money , but David was happy to get it . I unsaraned the first book and laid it on the table for him and told him who it was for , and how to spell their name . I was working on the " wrong " side of David . He hears better out of his right ear than his left , but Lauri was sitting there . I didn 't want to ask her to move . David had introduced me to Lauri as the person running his table . I said hello and shook her hand . David immediately asked me to speak up . He had left his hearing aids at home on the table , instead of bringing them . He wasn 't happy about that . So I raised my voice a bit and spoke clearly , while everything was signed . We were going to write down names for him , but it never came to that . David appropriated a few of my identifying index cards from the pre - sales and tore them in half , but once he had " paper , " he didn 't really need it . I offered him post - its . He turned me down . I offered him a bag of almonds as a snack for his labor . He said , " Maybe later . " I turned around to repack the signed items to go back to the hotel . I hear rustling behind me . David has pried the almond bag open and is having some . He managed to eat about half of the almonds before Gary Lockwood came over , saw David had food and ran off with the rest of them . I gave David a chewy granola bar and an oatmeal square that he promptly stowed away in his black leather bag with his initials on it , probably so Gary wouldn 't see he had even more food . I did see David turned away from the table , " counting " his money , later on . C . J . helped me get the signed stuff stowed . Then we took the books out . I got the book box up on the table and put six books into it . It was a nice narrow box , taking up the same space as the two books David had laid out . Those books were his personal copies , so I gave them back to him and put up mine , with the price sign up in front of the box . It looked good . David then asked me how I was . " Was I in a good hotel ? Did I have a good flight ? " I told him yes and yes , my flight was even early . I spared him all the medical emergency / shuttle pick - up bait and switch drama . David has always made sure I have a good place to stay and am eating right and getting enough sleep . It 's nice that he cares . Since I was working so closely to him , I rubbed David 's shoulders a bit and asked him if he was doing all right . I asked after Bridget , his wife . He said everyone was fine . Then David told me all about his set - up . I had a feeling on Thursday , when I saw the celebrity check - in booth that David would not like having his table in the South Hall and his badge pick up in the West Hall . And he didn 't . The parking was also a mess . David ended up parking in the wrong ( West ) Hall , taking the first handicapped space he could find . At least he was already over there to get his badge . " Too much back and forth , " David told me . I 'm sure he loved dragging his rolling suitcase full of pictures over to the South Hall , once he was done getting his badge . His picture suitcase does roll well . I was amazed how light it was on my hand . It had to be much more expensive than mine , to be that good . I would have gladly come over early on Friday to help him , but David didn 't ask me to . I didn 't book this con . I did not have the right badge to get in early . So David managed . They had changed his booth number at the last minute , so Carol 's group was all together in row 19 . I had ( luckily ) been able to announce on - line , prior to the con , where his ( new ) booth number was . At least that worked . People who came to get items signed did find David 's booth both days he was there . So we spent an amenable Friday afternoon with David and Lauri and Carol and Keir and Gary . Gary would stroll over when he was bored and chat up David . C . J . and Sherry chatted up David . I chatted up David . Lauri and I got acquainted . I told her she was on the " right " side of David to be heard and she should stay there . Carol already knew who I was , she had run Brett Halsey 's table at two other Hollywood shows I had done with David . I wasn 't sure why Brett opted not to do this con . I looked for him but he was never on the guest list . Carol asked me about my most recent experience with BearManor ; as she had published books about Alan Young with them in the past . I detailed some of the process of getting my most recent book published , what David had approved and so forth . We didn 't get to talk as much as she wanted to . Keir Dullea was busy as David . Carol kept having to leave to take pictures of people with him . Keir was quite popular . 2001 is a classic film in its own right . My book came out six weeks before the con , so I wasn 't as under the gun to get it there as I could have been . I did push earlier in the year , so the book would be ready for David 's table at Comikaze . I had sent David his copy a few weeks prior to the con , in September , when the book came out . I inscribed it to him , for all the material he had given me and all the interviews with his friends , David had arranged . The book would not have been as good as it is , without him . David told me he had read the Five Fingers book I had sent him . He said it was good and he liked it . C . J . kept trying to get pictures of me working with David at the table . I wasn 't very cooperative . Finally , when everything was ( finally ) set up and I had cooled down enough that I wouldn 't be sweating all over David ; I put my arm around him and posed for a couple more pictures . We were very fortunate in that David 's booth had a lot of open space in the back that we could stage out of and there was room for both rolling suitcases and C . J . 's wheelchair . Both Sherry and I pushed C . J . around the Hall , so she could see everything she wanted to . We then came back to the back corner of David 's booth . C . J . was out of the traffic flow and could ( easily ) watch everyone stream past to exit the hall . C . J . had never really done a cosplay convention , so I would stand beside her and tell her what the costumes were . We would watch David interact with the fans who stopped at the table . The afternoon went very quickly . David would get up out of his chair and pose with us on Friday , whenever we asked him to . Both C . J . and Sherry went over and purchased photos from Keir and Gary . Sherry went off on her own and did a panel and visited some other booths , before coming back and plopping down on the floor next to C . J . I really did not like Sherry sitting on the floor , but if she was fine with it , I had to be . She and David compared canes . In fact , in one of C . J . 's photos , of the three of them , we decided between the two canes and a wheelchair - that picture should be entitled " the gimp patrol . " David would get up : to stretch , I think , then take his cane and stroll off . He asked me once where the men 's room was . I pointed out the hall door and off he went . He was gone a while , so I stationed myself out in the aisle , so he 'd find us again . He did fine . I saw him coming back and waved and he nodded . I did not have to go chasing after him down another aisle . After that , he always found his way back . The hall was fairly wide open , particularly toward the back so you really couldn 't get turned around or lost in it . There were spaces between booths , so you knew where you were . Most of the time . At least I did . C . J . and David hit it off . They like many of the same things . David was amused when C . J . told him about her nickname . David would make a point to acknowledge us whenever he got up and left the booth , asking us questions or kidding around . He seemed genuinely happy to have us there hanging out with him . During one stretch , David told me the ( plastic ) seat was hard . I said I could bring him my inflatable air plane pillow , if he thought that would help . He said , no , it wouldn 't , he didn 't have hemorrhoids . That was not the discussion we were having , but I decided at that point not to offer my pillow again . David had decided not to stay until the Hall closed at 7 : 00 PM . He planned to stay until 6 : 00 PM , if it was busy . The hall started to really empty out around 4 : 30 PM . David packed up his black leather bag and took his two personal books . He told me to be responsible for my book display and take everything in it back to my hotel . I told him I would . David put on his khaki jacket that had been hanging over his chair the entire afternoon . It was very warm in Los Angeles that weekend . I got quite tired of getting hot and sweaty , every time I did something . David told us he was looking forward to dinner with Bridget and the glass of white wine she would have ready for him . Cabernet Blanc , he said . He didn 't say which brand , but I can tell you when he does tell me a brand , and I look it up , it 's usually a very good wine . One I can 't afford ! David was concerned he would not find his car again at the other hall . Since Carol had to stay to help Keir , who was signing until 7 : 00 PM , I told her I would walk over with David . We both tried to explain to David where he should have parked ( VIP parking ) . He said send an e - mail with directions , saying he couldn 't get all the details right with no hearing aids , and he would try to park there on Saturday . I came up next to him , on his good side and announced I was ready to go . He looked at me , hefted the black leather bag he had in his hand and dropped it down onto my shoulder . So I carried his bag over to the West Hall . He was walking all right with his cane , no wobbling . If anything he was steadier than he used to be , without it . David had told me last October , he had a cane . This was the first time I had seen it . It was thick , sturdy brown wood and he was quite adept with it . I told David to lead me , he knew where he was going . He actually did . David only needed the encouragement that I trusted him not to get us lost . And he didn 't . We found the West Hall garage entrance and he remembered his stall number . He led me right to his car . I held his bag up to him so he could get his keys out . He took the bag from me , complained it was too heavy and took out the two demo books . " Hang onto these for tomorrow , " he said . I slipped them into my shoulder bag on the other shoulder as he got his car unlocked . David looked down at me and then gave me a really nice , long , strong good - bye hug . Probably for all the pre - sale money I had brought him . I normally do that for any show I book . Several people had specifically asked me to carry items out to L . A . for him to sign . So I did . I hugged him back . I promised I would send the email he wanted with the parking instructions . That way he 'd be parked at the right hall on Saturday . David told me to throw his cane into the back seat and handed it me . He didn 't seem to like it , but he used it . We agreed on which way he had to go to get out of the garage . David got in and drove off . I then schlepped back to the South hall to pack up my books . I reported to Carol we had successfully found his car and David was gone . I texted the sightseeing crew for the third time : David had left the building . They should come see him Saturday . They said okay . Lauri was curious about me and my book so she was asking me questions as I was packing up . The usual . How did I met David ? When did I start writing books with him ? I handed her one of the Five Fingers paperbacks . I told her she could take the book home overnight and look at it , as long as she brought it back the next day to sell , since we weren 't doing anything with them , except storing them in my hotel room overnight . I asked Carol if she wanted me to take David 's suitcase full of pictures back to my hotel . Carol had seen me set up and break down David 's table at other shows , so she knew I could be trusted . She said okay . I was to have the suitcase back by 10 AM the next morning for Lauri to set up the table . I said I would . So they packed up David 's pictures and I took them back to the hotel . We were calling a cab ( for C . J . ) to go back , so it was no problem to have another rolling suitcase . I couldn 't push C . J . and roll two bags , so Sherry stepped up . She wheeled C . J . back to the aid station where we reclaimed her ID and left off the wheelchair . I wasn 't sure Sherry could push the chair . She had a cane , but she managed beautifully when I wasn 't there ; to push C . J . around . Sherry went to what she wanted to see several times that weekend . We never had to wait for her , she was always came back and was ready to go with us when it was time to go anywhere . It was cheaper to ride the three of us together . I told Sherry she was in charge of David 's rolling bag of pictures , going back to the hotel . She said it was an honor . She got it back to the hotel , too . Friday night , we decided not to call a cab to go eat . We walked two blocks down to the Diner by our hotel . We had considered closer Mexican and / or Italian restaurants , but neither one looked open . You never want to go to a place that doesn 't have a line out of the door . I had passed by the diner we chose , around noon , on my way back from Ralph 's and there was a line OUT the door there . It was hard on C . J . , she is only beginning to walk again , but she made it and the food was really good . And cheap . There wasn 't a line out the door , until about 15 minutes after we were seated . Timing is everything . We walked home . Sue Clark was texting me she had arrived . I found her in the lobby . She came up to the room and we visited for about an hour while I repacked the books for Saturday and put together my " Fly " costume for Halloween . I also found C . J . 's costume and all the other bits of claws and fly t - shirts . Sue got a T - shirt and the bug glasses , so we would be all set for Halloween as David 's " fly girls . " We planned for an early morning . We had to eat breakfast and then get there to claim a wheelchair by 9 : 00 AM . We wanted to be set up and waiting for David when he arrived at 10 : 00 AM . Sue said she had better go check into her B & B , so we bid her goodnight . We ran another Voyage episode to go to sleep by , while I got my electronics working with the free hotel Wi - Fi and sent David the email he had requested telling him exactly where VIP parking was ; up the ramp in back of the South hall , by the loading dock . Neither , of us slept well Friday night , so we were up early . I did the breakfast run . I now knew what to bring up on the second day , so C . J . had a really good breakfast . We donned our " Fly " duds . Sherry came down , wheeled out David 's suitcase full of pictures and we were off . We were dropped off at the South Hall . I took the ID and walked ahead to get the wheelchair . The Saturday one they offered was even clunkier than the Friday one , but at least it had footrests . Until one fell off … but that was later in the day . I managed to put it back on right , so it stayed on . I 'm used to dealing with John 's wheelchair , which isn 't that fancy , but is miles better than the one the CC gave us . We took a few costume pictures of each other in the lobby , before we went in , trying the various combinations of claws and masks and bug glasses . Multiple Andres having lots of fun . We loaded C . J . and I pushed off . Once I got going , it would roll , but the chair wanted to pull left all the time . Bad wheel or something . So I pushed and course corrected and pushed and course corrected . All day . If we ran anyone down , I apologize . Excuse me , wheelchair ! It was now 9 : 30 AM , so we went into the hall . We were the first to arrive . I set up my book display and laid out hand sanitizer , a small 16 oz . bottle of water and some throat drops for David . I had more items in my bag , but that was enough to get him started . I had noticed on Friday that David was using his water bottle to prop up his price sign . So I figured having another bottle handy would help , so his sign wouldn 't fall down every time he wanted a drink . I also put down a few other things on table that I knew he would take home with him . When I was done setting up , I put my Fly mask on display on the table , branding our space . So David would see it and play with it , if he wanted to . I turned to C . J . , after looking at my watch , and said , " It is 10 AM . David should be here . " I turned back and there was David coming up the aisle . He had his price sign that he taken home to make larger and his parking instructions email in one hand and his cane in the other . Again , David was not happy with the parking , despite the fact we had emailed him exactly where he was to go . He pulled into the ground floor garage instead up going up the ramp . He was in a space that wasn 't a marked space and hoped his handicapped sticker would keep him from being towed . He got lucky . He didn 't get towed . I could see David had his ( behind the ear ) hearing aids on , so I hoped today would be better sale - wise and less of a struggle . " Oh , good , " he said . " You 're here . " Then he saw the fly mask centerpiece on the table and laughed . He sat down , set up his sign against his water bottle ( from yesterday ) that he took out of his bag . He put his markers out . Then he asked why the table wasn 't set up with his pictures . I told David ( truthfully ) that I was specifically told not to do that . He would have to wait for Lauri and Carol to come . David wanted to get going . I asked him if he wanted me to set out his pictures , since they and I were there . He said yes . I had put up the suitcase and was starting to unload picture files when Lauri and Carol rushed in . She told me they would do it . I scooped my fly mask up off the table , stepped back and let them . Lauri started to do the set - up , but then Carol came back over to help to get it done faster . David wanted his small water bottle opened . He can 't twist with his arthritic hands , so I did it for him . Carol asked me to step aside again . I told her I had three paying customers there waiting . We were giving her the courtesy of the time to set up the table before we brought our items around to David to be signed . Then I stepped back . When everything was set the way David wanted it , C . J . and Sherry came around to the front of the table to have David sign their books . I should have pulled their money from the pile I had given David on Friday , but I didn 't . So their books were finally signed . Sherry got three books signed , even though we had not originally planned to have David sign her Fly at Fifty book . So she gave him even more money . I took a picture of David signing her double - signed photo ( with Robert Dowdell ) to put up on Facebook , so people on social media would know David was now at his booth and signing . Gary came over and insisted David owed him five bucks . They had a bet and Gary sold the first picture on Friday . David took five bucks out his pocket and gave it to Gary . Gary said it was because David was Armenian and it was bad joss not to pay up . I didn 't really get that whole conversation and was surprised Gary did not know David was Armenian before this . After we got everything we had or wanted signed , we decided to leave for a while . Let Lauri do what she was hired to do . I told David I would go find Amanda and Charlotte , because I knew they had several things they wanted him to sign . I pushed C . J . over to the Hot Topic Stage . There was no one we wanted to see on stage . I pushed her the length of Autograph Alley ( along the back wall ) . No one there she wanted to stand in line for . C . J . had been interested in the Babylon 5 reunion , but the two actors signing on Sat . weren 't not anyone she wanted an autograph from . They had combined their booths and banners as the con had them split up and in separate booths , after advertising them as a " reunion . " That made no sense to us , but then the con didn 't seem to be very organized ( at all ) about anything in the South ( autograph ) hall . We saw a short line for Carrie Fisher ; who was set up behind a curtain along that back wall . Apparently , if you paid for an autograph or a photo op or anything else , you were taken behind the curtain . If not , there was no going back there . I guess that worked . For her . I had seen her . Years ago . In San Francisco . A friend of mine worked her signing line there . We rolled over to see how Nichelle Nichols was doing . She seemed fine , a bit tentative , but smiling and posing and genuinely enjoying her fans and her ( short ) line . Walter Koenig was next to her , also not that busy . Next to him were the two CHiPS officers , Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox . They seemed to be selling a lot of posed pictures and not much else . For an autograph area , it wasn 't that busy , at least not like a Saturday at other autograph shows I have attended . Having done our fill of gawking , we rolled back to the table to find Amanda and Charlotte there . Sue Clark was also there . So there was a lot of signing and talking and posing for pictures . Amanda went off to the ATM to get more money . When she came back , she saw our Lab coats and it reminded her she wanted her ( real ) lab coat from work signed , so she got that done . Then I pulled out my binder of extra pictures I always let her leaf through . She found four more she didn 't have . Amanda has a lot of signed pictures of David , I was surprised there were that many for her to take out of the binder to get signed . We took group photos . I chatted up Charlotte 's mom , Janet . Amanda and Charlotte hugged David . He told them to go easy on him , his back was bad . There is nothing David can do about that , he has the spine of an 88 year old , unfortunately . David was really game , always smiling . He was amenable to all our numerous requests and never once refused to get up out of his chair to pose with us . We did cut him a break , once or twice , and let him stay seated while we crouched next to him or stood behind his chair or beside his chair . For the large group shot , I wheeled C . J . up to the table next to him . That # hedisonharem shot came out really nice . Lauri took it with Amanda 's phone . I told Amanda the Hedison harem was coined in 2005 at the con in Louisville . She also gave me a look when I referred to us as " his fly girls . " I know that means something else , depending on the slang that is being used , but that was not how I meant it . We are fans of the " original " Fly ( 1958 ) movie . That predates any other usage out there . David told Janet how much he loved the Crane rag doll they had given him at the Birmingham show in England in 2012 . Janet was very pleased and replied , " If she knew that he , his wife and his housekeeper liked it that much , she would have to make him another one . " I have one of Janet 's handmade Crane rag dolls . I can attest she does a really good job on them . My Crane rag doll came with a mermaid , of course . Charlotte had a picture of David in bed , from the TV series Family . No one else knew where it was from . So I told David . ' It was the scene where Meredith Baxter told David she was leaving him for Tommy Lee Jones . ' Hedison fans tend not to like this episode . David was going to marry this girl and she leaves him , because he 's too safe . Given that choice , none of us would ever leave David for Tommy Lee Jones . Or at least I wouldn 't . Amanda informed David that Kemek was currently on Amazon Prime and that she enjoyed watching it over and over , because she could . Amanda then showed him Pauline Owers ' screen cap 2016 Voyage calendar that she had ordered from England . It is really good this year , all the screen caps were flattering to David - this is not always the case . David really enjoyed looking at all of them . Amanda showed David where Derrik Lewis had signed the calendar and asked David to sign her Birth month , June . David even circled her birthday . There were three of us standing there with June birthdays . What are the odds ? David liked the December picture the best ; Pauline had put Christmas hats on all of the crew on the picture from Man of Many Faces . David remarked this set of screen caps were not " all stretched out " like other ones he had seen in the past . I guess the software is getting better at grabbing them . After all the pictures were taken and all the photos were signed ; Sue had to leave us for the airport . Amanda decided she wanted to go check out Erik Estrada . Janet decided she wanted to go eat at the Food Court . So we pushed off in search of lunch . Janet said the other two would catch up , they always did , but right now she wanted some food . We all bought something and I found a table with enough chairs for us to sit , so we had lunch . Janet was right , they did find us . Everything was overpriced , but it was food . I told my cashier she should be getting hazard pay , because of the hordes she was waiting on and she laughed . It was busy . David really liked having " his fly girls " there . He chatted , now he had his hearing aids on , posed and listened to all our stories . Asking us questions , nodding and basically enjoying each and every one of us . C . J . 's Saturday wheelchair was not good for getting through crowds , so I pushed her where she needed to go and the rest of the time she sat at the side of David 's booth and people watched and took scads of pictures . David would come over and they would compare notes on the people they had seen . It was fun to watch . C . J . had some fresh baked oatmeal cookies , from Ralph 's , that she shared with us . I walked the baggie over to David and asked him if he would like to join our " cookie break . " He said he 'd try one of the broken off ones , so I gave it to him . He liked it , so I gave him a bigger piece . Deliberately . David said it was too big , but he ate it . I told him they were C . J 's cookies . I didn 't get to see when the items I left for him on the table disappeared into his bag , but the water bottle was empty by mid - afternoon . Before that , he was using it to prop up his price sign . He ate the chewy granola bar I had given him . David likes them soft . So I was happy . David got up to stretch at one point and informed us he was going to go to the men 's room . He has only gone about 10 seconds when C . J . said , " you know , the bathroom , is a good idea , let 's go . " So as I am pushing her OUT the hall , here comes David back IN to the Hall . As we pass , I tell him , " This is all your fault ! She didn 't have to go until you said something . " David laughed and winked and went back to the table . We came back from lunch to find David across the aisle , taking pictures . Something about the Hollywood Sci Fi Museum wanting David to attend their opening next year . Next thing I know , David is strolling down to the museum booth to have his picture taken in the Star Trek command chairs they had on display . So I followed him down there to see what was going on . The guy put him in the Captain 's Chair and told David to press some buttons , which he did . Hopefully , those pictures will show up when the museum opens . I walked him back , but I think he had already spotted me taking pictures of him . David always seems to know when there is a camera pointed at him . Later on when he got up ( again ) to hit the men 's room , he was like , " Do you want to come , too ? " ( Payback ! ) I said " No , I was good from the earlier stop , but thanks . " After he left , C . J . and I looked at each other and cracked up . David was in fine form Saturday , for sure . C . J . only had one request left to fill . She wanted to get a picture of her standing next to David . So I consulted with Janet and Amanda - Amanda runs a lab and Janet is a nurse , and I figured they knew more about getting C . J . up out of her wheelchair than I did . And we found a way to get her up and walking - - with support . When we came back , David was chatting away with Charlotte , about her SLR camera , but he graciously got up and C . J . got her standing picture . It meant a lot to her . She 's still in rehab from the car accident , but getting better all the time . Coming to see David was really good for her . At another point David got up and stretched . " Oh , that 's better , " he said . I asked David if he needed me to press my thumb into any tight muscles . He has asked me to do this before . This time , he looked dismayed at that suggestion and quickly said , " No . You 'll probably make me worse than I already am . " So I put my thumb away and we watched him stretch instead . His arthritic hands were also stiff and did not move well . David could write , but he couldn 't get much of anything open , by himself . One of the last visitors we got on Friday was Kevin the Fly . He had almost a perfect copy of David 's movie costume , from the dun colored lab coat to the turkey feather feelers . A really first rate recreation . David 's eyes lit up when he saw him . I was on my phone with John and looked up and said , " Oh , my God , we have a Fly ! I have to call you back . " Kevin was wearing an industry badge and he had several questions for David and me . He told me he had used the cover of my Fly at Fifty book as the model for his costume and wanted to know if he had gotten it right . I told him . " John colorized the picture for the cover . He had taken the colors from the film , so yes , it was right . " Kevin seemed very pleased I liked it . What was not to like ? After Kevin had his picture with David ( of course ) , he took me aside and we found we had the same base mask , but he had taken his and covered it with fur and added so much , he made mine look pale in comparison . I told him I was glad he made the effort to come . I know it made David 's day . It really started to cool off in the hall in the late afternoon . I was seriously thinking about putting my lab coat back on , after taking it off because I got too hot trying to push C . J . through all the people milling about . I was tired of continually getting hot ( and sweaty ) that weekend . David asked me if I had a jacket . I know he gets cold easily ( another age thing ) and I was surprised he had not brought one of his pullover sweaters : his con outfit of choice and said so . " Well , " he answered , " They said it was going to be hot ( it was ) and the hall heats up with the Sat . crowds , so I didn 't . " Our hall was never that crowded . So I offered him my lab coat . It was all I had . I put it on him . David felt it and said , " Oh , good , polyester . That will warm me right up . " So he wore John 's old hospital lab coat , until he left . David had been so kind and generous to us all day . Especially with C . J . , laughing and joking with her about her nickname and poker and all kinds of things . David had pretty much decided Saturday was going to be it . There were plenty of people attending this comic trade show , but they did not seem interested in buying autographs . We were there and other people came to the table and spent money , but the big crowds stayed in the other hall . C . J . and I went in there on Sunday , but we couldn 't immediately tell what the difference was . Comics , apparently . David started packing up around 5 : 30 PM . He handed me back the lab coat and asked me if I wanted his badge . His way of acknowledging my help . I said thank you and yes and took it . He then asked me to wait for him and walk out with him . " You 're with me ! " he said , before he sat back down to pay off his table help . I helped him get his rolling suitcase up onto the table , flat out telling him , " There was no way you are lifting that bag , up or down . " So he let me do it . Once he had everything packed to his liking , I lifted the bag down and rolled it out after him . I was pretty sure David wanted me with him in case they had towed his car . He stopped on his way out and leaned down to give C . J . a good - bye kiss . She was surprised , but I wasn 't . David is like that . She gave him oatmeal cookies . David really made her day and her con and her year by doing that . This time I led him down to the South Hall garage entrance , since I had come in that way and knew where it was . No one and I mean any of our drivers , ever dropped us off or picked us up at the same place at the CC ! David knew where he had parked his car , on the wrong side of the post . Apparently his handicapped sticker saved him , because his car was still there . It was unticketed as well . He got lucky . So I put his bag on the back seat handle out , the way he taught me to , and then stowed his cane . David sighed and gave me another big hug and a heartfelt kiss . He thanked me again for bringing all the people and money I did , and for coming out and supporting a con that I did not book . I assured David I had fun and I didn 't mind doing it , because I liked doing that for him . Then I kissed him back . We hugged once more and then he drove off . I hung around long enough to make sure he cleared the pillar with his car , which he did . Off he went . And that was the last of David at this con . We , however , still had another day of con before we all flew out on Sunday . So we packed everything up and went back to the room . I went to call the cab and they told me the address I was giving dispatch for the last two pick - ups was incorrect . They needed the street number , not the corner I was standing on . So I walked down until I could read the street sign and gave them that number . I chalked it up to being Halloween night and someone being pissed they had to work . We did not have a good livery experience at the convention center and coming in from the airport . I know I was branded as a tourist , but I didn 't appreciate the drivers constantly trying to take advantage of me and my lack of a car . I guess it was because we were in Los Angeles , at an event . We made it back to the Hotel . Sherry went looking for dinner and then came up . C . J . and I decided to clean out the fridge and eat up all the leftovers . She had her omelet and a banana and I had fruit salad and yogurt and Sherry watched her favorite Voyage episode , while she had her salad from the lobby food stand . We were wiped out from the really awful wheelchair they had given C . J . It did not push well , and I ended up with a sore left hand from trying to make it go all day . They said they would have a better chair for us on Sunday , now that the one the employee was using was available , since that employee was not working on Sunday . Gee , thanks . We know what your priorities are . I repacked the books to mail out . I had prepaid labels for them and for the one book that was being mailed to a town in CA . It was ridiculous to haul it back to Florida . I did take all the East coast books back with me and mailed those and the foreign packages and the prepaid UPS when I got home . I figured they would get there faster , if they flew home with me . I had everything packed up by the time Sherry left . She wanted to go to Church in the morning and she had found a service to go to , so we bid her good - night . C . J . asked me to put on another favorite episode . So I did , laid down on the bed to rest my sore feet and promptly fell asleep . I did sleep Saturday night . It had been a hectic two days looking after David . So we got up , had breakfast before it ended and went over to the convention for about two hours , since we had paid for three days and we had yet to make it inside the West Hall . The promised wheelchair was better , but it was two days later than we needed it . West Hall was mostly vendors . C . J . enjoyed the costumes , she kept asking me who the people where . I could identify most of them , except for some of Japanese anime . We had stilt walkers and even a dinosaur . I felt something brush my head and it was the end of his 8 foot rubber tail . Hey , watch your tail ! I was dressed as a purple minion , so C . J . took my picture with a minion R2D2 . We had another overpriced lunch at the food court . We went back to the South Hall to say good - bye to Keir and Gary . John had emailed me a message for Keir . I delivered it . John loves 2001 . One of his all - time favorite movies . Keir was gracious and kind . I told him John had a Spanish Madleman Bowman astronaut figure about half the size of the figure on his table . He didn 't know there was a Spanish figure of him . I told him it was old ( 1990 ) and John bought it years ago . We wandered back along Autograph Alley and there was still no one C . J . wanted to get in line for . I decided to pay for a picture with Casper Van Dien . John had a message for him as well . And Casper said thank you . Nice guy . Didn 't overcharge for the posed picture , either . Things were winding down , so we went back to the hotel , took our luggage out of storage and camped out in the lobby waiting for our town car to arrive . Sherry 's shuttle came . They said it wasn 't her prepaid shuttle , so she had to arrange and pay for a different ride . The whole hired livery thing was a fiasco . Our car came on time , with no surprise upcharge , but they had moved up C . J . 's flight . So once we got her there , we had to check her in , get her a wheelchair and then hustle her through security . Luckily , they let me go with her . They were going to board me with her , as well , but I told the gate , no , I was merely the pack mule . I was on another flight . They liked that term , pack mule . So once she has everything that was hers , we said good - bye . I set off to Terminal four to kill three hours until my flight left . I had an expiring pass to the Admiral 's Club ( American ) so I went through the underground tunnels from Terminal Six to Terminal Four and found the club . They let me use my pass . The food was very good and the charging station was even better . Kier Dullea wandered in . I went over , said hello . I don 't think he remembered me , but he wanted help with the food . I took him over to the station , Keir got what he wanted and left . C . J . called me . She said she was on ground hold on the tarmac . I reached over and pulled up the weather map on the console and told her where the weather was . Portland was worse , so she was basically stuck waiting for Seattle to clear . I told her she could call me back , if they didn 't take off , but she didn 't . I packed up about an hour before my flight and went back through the underground tunnels to Terminal Five and boarded my flight . Flight took off and we got into Atlanta on time . I tried to sleep , but woke up again . I played concentration on my seat back . Once we landed , we couldn 't get across the runway to the terminal , mostly because planes kept landing . Finally , he gunned it and we peeled out and got across before another plane landed . I got off walked down 20 gates and they were boarding my plane , so I skipped an entire zone lined up ( zone 2 ) and boarded as the Zone 1 I was . We took off very quickly - for Atlanta . My neighbor picked me up and I was home by 11 AM . It was a good trip . I had never done Downtown Los Angeles . Interesting place . Everything is overpriced but we still managed to have a good time . And it was great to see David again .

I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Daniel woke up in a cold sweat . He rolled over in his bed and stood up . For a month , he had rarely slept through the night . He moved to the door to the balcony and opened up it up . He was staying in Atlantis for the month . Seeing if he could stay there after two years on the mainland . Jack had been to see him once since he had come to Atlantis for the visit . " You are all that I have . Ronon tries but he can 't replace Jack . Jack is getting worse and there is no cure as of yet . The Asgard won 't answer us . Earth is lost : they can 't figure it out . They can 't track down the part of the NID that gave it to Jack . " " Daniel , it must happen when it happens . I cannot tell you what to expect . The journey is all that happens on the way , not what happens when you get there . " " You know I 'll always be here for you . You tried to push me away before . I am a stubborn woman . I do not leave that easy . " " Daniel , a message came through the ' gate . It 's from the NID . They will give General O ' Neill the antidote if he gives you to them , " Elizabeth said as she entered Daniel 's lab . Daniel wasn 't in there . " Doctor Weir , he left for the mainland . He went home a few days early . " Radek smiled at her sadly . " Why ? " " Nightmares . Every night he is woken up by them . He hopes he can sleep better at home . He took a few items with him . Rodney is going to visit him in three days to talk to him about them . " " Because he was a wreck . The only time I have seen him like that was after Sha 're 's death . He needed to get away . He wanted to sneak out without any fanfare . " " Yes , it is . I have full say in what happens to him . Unless it will harm him . Harming him would have been keeping him here . I 'm sorry I didn 't talk to you about it but he started falling asleep in the mess and I just told him he could go . " Elizabeth nodded and Jack turned back around in his chair . Elizabeth left the office and put in a call to the mainland . Kalian told her that Daniel was asleep and had been since moments after arriving . Elizabeth wanted to talk to Daniel but she didn 't want Kalian to wake him up . So she told him to tell Daniel when he woke up to contact Atlantis . Moments later , there was a flurry of activity as one of the puddle jumpers descended from the hatch and flew into the ' gate . " Sheree ? " Elizabeth asked . Jack looked up puzzled . " No , that 's not Sheree , " Jack said . He smiled . " How long have you been protecting him ? " " The Ascended have their own way , " Elizabeth said and Jack nodded . Moments later , the ' gate started spinning . She looked down . " It 's Daniel 's code . " Jack ran to the console as Daniel brought the ship him . " No . I 'll be going back and forth for chats . Rodney really misses my help . I think he 'll be visiting me here some too . I 've told him that he is welcome anytime . " " I know . I thank you for that , but I am accepting that this is what I need to do . " Kalian just glared at Daniel before he stood up and left . Daniel shrugged and picked up Seshat . He didn 't know what was wrong with Kalian . Daniel let Seshat into the tent and then stood up to take a walk when someone screamed . Daniel ran towards to screams . When he arrived at the main camp for the area , a man was lying on the ground with wounds on his chest . An animal was sitting beside him ready to pounce again . Daniel stepped towards it and caught its eye . When it was looking him in the eye , he started talking to it . " Yes , I know . Food is out there . Good food . " The creature turned and bound back into the forest around the camp . Once it was from site people rushed to the downed man . Daniel smiled . That was the first time since he had found out about his telepathy that he had talked to an animal . It had never occurred to him . He hadn 't told anyone about his new power . He didn 't want to be put under any tests . The knowledge in his head gave him the ability to cope with anything new that developed . He didn 't want anyone treating him special . He had finally gained all the knowledge that had been bombarding his brain . He was all good as far as his head went . The Ancient knowledge has formed with his Daniel knowledge . His only problem was the dreams he was having . Daniel crouched down beside the man and touched his face . " Daniel , step away let the healer to him . " Daniel didn 't listen to the voice . He just closed his eyes . He didn 't know what he was doing but he let his memories guide him . A voice spoke to him . " Slowly . Heal slowly at first . Until you can control yourself , " Sha 're said to him . Daniel slowed down . What felt like hours later to him was only minutes between when he closed and opened his eyes . He looked down at the man and saw that he was fully healed . Those around him were looking at him strangely . Kalian had large , bright eyes before he dropped to his knees beside Daniel . With the cuts gone from his face , Daniel recognized him as Kalian 's older brother . " Thank you , Daniel , " the two said at the same time . Daniel nodded . He knew what he had to do . With everyone seeing what he had done , he had to go back to Atlantis . He had to submit to the tests that Carson would put him through . He didn 't want to . He knew what to do . He had help . Sha 're and Sheree protected him ; both helped him along the way . " I 'm sorry that we were here to see this . You could have come to the city on your own when you were ready , " Rodney said . Daniel about opened his mouth to speak back but shut it . Rodney hadn 't moved his mouth . " It was just a guess . I knew that you should have developed more powers as the knowledge in your head unfurled . I 've been toying with ways to find out . This was the first opportunity I had . I 'll keep this secret . No one else needs to know . " " Thank you , I just wish that this could have been kept a secret . That Kalian 's older brother had not been hurt . " Rodney nodded and turned to talk to Teyla . Daniel jogged to his tent and retrieved some things that he would need . Carson might keep him there for a few days . xXxXxXx Daniel arrived in his Navas . Since it couldn 't be used by anyone else , Daniel used it now to go back and forth between the city and the mainland . He also went exploring sometimes in it but that was rare . The Navas bay had a small crowd in it . Carson was at the front waving . Behind him was John , Aiden , Teyla , Ronon , and Rodney . Behind them were three people , two females and a male . He knew Teal ' c instantly and only recognized Sam when she moved into the light . The other female he also recognized but he didn 't know how . Behind them was Jack , staying in the background . " Sam , Teal ' c , Vala , what brings you to Atlantis . " " I don 't know . " Carson moved closer to Daniel . " You can come to my lab when you want today . With your friends here from Earth , I 'll let you have some time with them . " " Daniel , we have a prototype cure ready for Jack . " Rodney said . Daniel looked at Rodney in shock . He didn 't think that they were close . " Thor had us try something . Once we knew what to look for we found the organisms in Jack 's blood even when he was not around you . A mixture of your DNA and a normal antibiotic from Earth disabled the organisms . They left the blood sample . " " What are you waiting on ? " " Jack 's okay . He wanted to clear a few things with you first . " Daniel nodded . " Daniel , there is trouble . Get to the control room now . " Sha 're said . Daniel took off running for the control room . Before anyone could try to follow or ask where he was going , Elizabeth 's voice sounded over the comms . " I need Doctor McKay in the control room now . " Everyone looked at each other before they ran for the control room as well . They caught up with Daniel at the entrance . Daniel gripped his head for a second before he took a deep breath . " It 's a ship of Atlanteans . My god , they have been in space for 10 , 000 years . Going at sub light speed . They stopped above a planet and found Wraith dead and one of the puddle jumpers nearly destroyed . Now they head back here . They want their city back . " " It is theirs , but I have a feeling that everyone here will have to go home . They won 't want to share , " Sheree said . Daniel nodded . " Those in control of Atlantis , we wish to speak to you , " a female voice said over the comm unit . Daniel stepped up to the mic before turning to Elizabeth . She nodded . " This is Daniel Jackson . I speak for those in control of Atlantis . " " We ask that you leave our city . " Daniel did a cutting motion at his throat . " Elizabeth , do you trust me . I know what I can do to either get them to stay with us , or have them leave . " " We need to stay here , " Elizabeth said . Daniel nodded . Sound was restored . Non . I am sorry , but we cannot do that . We came from Earth . I was brought here specifically by the orders of your ascended friends . I was once one of you . I was kicked out . I was killed and was brought back in this form . " " I told you . Now listen to me . I am a descendent of Atrius Valna . I can claim this city more than you . Atrius 's family left to go to Earth . You and yours did not want to go to Earth and mix your blood . We have plenty here who are also descendents of the higher families . Meckem 's heir is here so you know that we will get all of the technology working again . You may live with us if you want or you may go find a new home . It is our city . " " Daniel ? " Sam asked . " I have known who all of you are descended from the moment I turned 13 . Meckem was the one who created many of the devices to fight the Wraith . His whole family was very smart . That is Rodney 's family . My family was the highest in the hierarchy . Jack 's was the leader of the military division . I could talk for days on this but I would like to get the tests done . " " Why haven 't you told us ? " Elizabeth asked . Daniel shrugged . " We agreed . Anything that affected your health would be brought to Carson 's attention . " " It wasn 't affecting my health . I stopped fighting the knowledge and every time something new popped in my head instructions would also go with it . I can deal with this . Like I said , I have all the memories that I need . " " Includara . " Daniel said . " Elizabeth , you do not understand . In the perfect world , Daniel would have come here without Jack . As an adult . Something happened when the Replicator killed him . When the device at Dakara went off , it changed him . He could only come back as a child . He needs no help now . He knows what to do , " Sha 're said . She appeared beside Daniel . Jack smiled at her . She looked much as she had . She still wore her robes from Abydos . " You . I 've seen you here since the beginning , " Rodney said . Sha 're nodded . Everyone turned to look at Rodney . " I know . I never told anyone about it . She asked me not to . " " I knew what my duty was . There was a chance that while Daniel would come here , he might not remember anything . We never know what will happen to the mind when we mess with it . " " Because there has been an exception made . With the arrival of the ancestors of those who lived here , a problem has occurred . I speak with the will of those who ascended . Daniel and I will go to the ship and talk to them . They have a place they can live ; they just have to deal with those they created . The Atlanteans will not bother you . " Sha 're and Daniel disappeared from view . Jack turned to Carson . " He needs time alone . He is a teenager . That is something that we have to remember . As strong as his mind is , he is still in the body of a teenager . " Elizabeth nodded . Daniel appeared in Elizabeth 's office . He looked around for a second before he stopped . " The Atlanteans gave me this to give to you . They agreed to go to a place much like Atlantis here . I guess a race called the Asurans created it . A mistake of the Ancients . Think Cylons . Even with the human looking ones . " " I grew up watching it , Rodney . Oh , that 's right . The nightmares I have been having . My memories have been trying to come back . When Sha 're took me up to the ship , she unlocked them . She is going to tell them that it was a side affect of taking up there the way she did , the merging of our spirits . The joining of our incorporeal bodies for the trip up to the ship . They have no way to prove if she was right . Of course , they will suspect but they are giving her a freedom they have given no one before . We have little need of Sheree anymore ; she wants to be wiped from the system . When that happens her soul will be free , she says . She wants to join her family in what she calls the afterlife . " " Easy , I am highly advanced , " Daniel said and Rodney started laughing . " My brain was always close to the Atlanteans when they ascended . I won 't ascend as long as I don 't want to . One cannot ascend if they don 't want to . Right now , I don 't want to . The battle with the Ori in the Milky Way has given the Ancients something to think about . All those who died before they finally helped are weighing heavy on their minds . They agree that they went way too far in the other direction . Many think that they were worse than the Ori because they would not help in something that they created . Much like Anubis . " " I know you are . I 'll start back in the projects full time tomorrow . I was hoping that Ronon or Teyla could go to the mainland and get my things . Especially Seshat . " " I 'll write him a letter and give it to him . He does not think that I should be here at all . He thinks I should stay on the mainland . " " Daniel that is not right to my nephew , " Teyla said . " My letter will include that if he wants to speak to me , he can . I will not force my presence on him if he does not want it . Kalian is very outspoken and willful . I do not want to be on the receiving end of a rant of his . Nor do I want to hear it . He thinks that those here are brainwashing me and making me do things . He does not understand , even though I have tried many times to make him see . " Teyla nodded . " My sister 's husband is very much like my nephew . I understand now . " " Is my room by Ronon still open ? " Daniel asked . Elizabeth nodded and Daniel looked around . " Jack is with Carson . With the threat of the Ancients he thought the cure might be a good thing to try right now . " Daniel nodded . He looked over at Rodney . Home to Daniel never felt better . He was alone and could stop people from bothering him if he wanted . This time around , everything will be different . He won 't have to hide from Jack . The cure worked on him . A message had been sent to Earth about how Jack was cured so the hunt was on again to find those who wanted to kidnap him . Kalian had wanted to talk . He was going with his father to another planet . The inhabitants there were willing to give some of their crop to Atlantis if some of Athosians were willing to come and live there during the crop season and tend to what they can . The crop they tend to being the one that they can take back with them . Atlantis for the time being was settled and good . Jack couldn 't find Daniel in any of the labs . Radek said that he hadn 't shown up for work that morning and even though Jack wasn 't taking care of Daniel anymore , Jack still loved him and cared for him . Jack knocked on the door to Daniel 's room . He heard a cough from inside and the door opened . He found Daniel lying in bed with the blankets pulled up around his head . " What ? I called Elizabeth and told her I was sick . Beckett 's been in to check me out . He says I have the flu . " Daniel rolled over and saw that it was Jack in his doorway , not a scientist . " Oh , hi , Jack . " " Them ? " Jack asked . He took a few steps towards Daniel and , when the young boy didn 't say anything , Jack moved over to sit in the chair beside the bed . " Danny ? " " Fine , if you don 't want me to be alone , find Ronon , or even Rodney . Have them come watch me . Anyone but you . " " Daniel , I have bent over backwards to try and make it up to you . I didn 't know that you could hold a grudge this long . " Daniel looked at Jack in shock . Jack stayed right where he was but all Daniel did was roll over onto his stomach and go back to sleep . " You should go , Jack , " Sheree said . Jack shook his head . " He doesn 't want you here . " " NO , THERE ISN ' T ! " Jack screamed as he stood up and looked at the ceiling . Sheree didn 't answer . Jack sat back down and looked at Daniel . Daniel was curled up , half under his covers , taking up the smallest space he could . His head was tucked to his knees with his arms around them . Jack gulped and hung his head . He stayed that way for a few minutes before he left the room . Daniel started to shiver and the covers were pulled up over him . Rodney and Daniel exited the ' gate . Jack was standing just on the edge of the steps . He always did when Daniel came back from off world . This time it was different . " You don 't scare him , but you are scaring everyone else . Let Carson check you over . " Rodney ushered Daniel away from him . Jack wouldn 't let it . He grabbed Rodney 's arm and spun him around . Rodney looked at him in shock for several seconds before Jack pulled his arm back and let it fly . Rodney fell to the floor , and he grabbed his face . " JACK ! " Daniel screamed . Seconds later as Jack reached down for Daniel . An unseen force shoved him in the chest , and he landed many feet away . Jack tried to get up but he was held in place . " He won 't move . I won 't let him . " " I 've called Carson , " Elizabeth said as she came down . She helped Rodney stand then turned to Jack . When Carson and his team came in one of them bumped Daniel and he lost control of Jack . Instead of going after Daniel , he fled the room . Moments later , Jack stormed into his room throwing his LSD into the wall and watching it shatter . He felt better after that . He grabbed the first thing he found and threw it against the wall . Item after item hit the wall . Jack destroyed his room for over an hour . Sheree couldn 't stop him . In the end , she didn 't tell anyone . She didn 't want them getting hurt . Once Jack had thrown everything , he threw some of the bigger broken pieces and watched them shatter . It wasn 't until he heard the glass from the picture frame crunch that he stopped . He looked down and saw a picture of Charlie under his feet . Jack stopped cold . He just stared at the picture then started crying . He didn 't hear the door to his room open , and he didn 't feel the prick of the needle in his arm . He welcomed it when his world went black . " He 's fine . I 'll start the testing in the morning . Let him have a good night 's sleep . I want to talk to him before I do the testing . " " Tell him that after his little outburst in his room . I am ordering the tests done . I can 't have him running around the city . He punched Rodney . " " His emotions are overtaking the Ancients knowledge in his head . I don 't know what is going to happen . I asked Rodney and Ronon to stay close to him . " " I 'd like to quarantine General O ' Neill , just so that when he wakes up , he won 't scare Daniel . The lad has been through enough already . " Elizabeth nodded and moved towards the room Daniel and Rodney were in . She found Daniel sitting on the bed beside Rodney , reading a book . Elizabeth moved closer to the door and heard that Daniel was reading to Rodney . Elizabeth laughed . Daniel was reading Harry Potter out loud to Rodney . Rodney said he would never read those books . Rodney looked up and saw her . He smiled at her and put an arm around Daniel 's shoulder to let him lean on him . Daniel rested his head on Rodney 's arm and his words started to slur . Ten minutes later , Daniel was asleep . Rodney waved Elizabeth into the room . " It calms him down and he goes to sleep instantly . Ronon told me about it . Seems Ronon does it a lot . Daniel hasn 't caught on yet . " " Well , keep it up and make sure that you take care of yourself . Carson is going to start the testing in the morning . " Rodney nodded and pulled the blanket up over Daniel . Rodney , Teyla , and John had adopted Daniel as a dear friend . Aiden had adopted him as a little brother and Ronon as a child . But Elizabeth knew that Daniel would only be happy with Jack . They had to find out what was wrong with him and fix it . Elizabeth looked up when a knock came at her door . She looked up and saw nothing at normal height , so she looked down and saw Daniel . It had only been hours since she left him with Rodney . " Don 't try to guilt me . I am a kid . I want to act like one . I don 't want to worry about whether I had the translation on that machine right , and whether Rodney can fix it in time . From this point on , I will not do anything that isn 't life or death . The Ancients did this to me because they thought that I , in this form , could help everyone here in Atlantis . I am a help to no one if I am not allowed to do what I want . I am a kid that needs to do things . I thought that we had gone through this two years ago . I guess no one cared enough to follow through . Nothing you do or say can stop me this time . I won 't be used as a catch all . ' If it 's a hard piece of technology , he 'll know what it is and save us time . ' I won 't do it anymore . Consider this my resignation . " " I am burned out . Going into the labs everyday makes me sick . I don 't want to do it anymore . I can 't do it anymore . " " I don 't want time . Not anytime that you would be willing to give . I want freedom . I can 't concentrate . Sheree explained to me that the knowledge in my head suppressed my natural instincts to be a kid . Now that I am trying to suppress the knowledge , the kid in me is coming out . Hence the reading and games that I play . I was fine while I was away from Atlantis . The knowledge wasn 't as busting to get out . I 've made my mind shut that part of it out . I am making myself forget because it is hurting me to remember . " " I 'll be there in a few minutes . " Elizabeth told the people in the control room where to find her and then she left for the infirmary . When she arrived , Jack was pacing the Iso room ranting and raving . Carson stared at the room and didn 't acknowledge Elizabeth when she talked to him . " Carson ? " Elizabeth said a few minutes later . Carson jumped and turned to her . " I 'm sorry . I was thinking . I would like two guards . I want to take his blood while he is this way . If he has something in him it may only work when he is angry . Otherwise , it is in a dormant state . " " Do what you have to . I need to talk to Daniel . " Carson nodded , and Elizabeth left the infirmary . She looked around the halls and then made her way to Daniel 's room . When she found that the door didn 't open , she entered on her own . She found the room empty . Nothing was in it . " He did it just before the mission . He didn 't want anyone but himself to tell Jack that he had moved . He didn 't want you to lie to him . Sheree knew . She knows everything . " " Yes . He feared what the General could do to him while he was angry . I 'm guessing the General came in here , found out that Daniel had moved , and that 's why he did what he did in the ' gate room . " " Has he quit ? " Elizabeth looked at Ronon in shock . " He talks to a woman at night . I don 't know who she is . Sheree lets me listen in . Sheree doesn 't know her name , but she knows that he talks to a female . " " Thank you , Ronon . Tell him that his resignation is accepted , and he can come back when he 's ready . " Ronon nodded and turned from the room . He stopped at the door and looked around . " Since I found out that most SGC records were available for review , I 've been reading on Daniel 's life . Why must he suffer more than others must ? General O ' Neill told the rest of my team about Daniel 's parents , his foster homes , and his wife and brother . " " I don 't know . Maybe the memory loss was a blessing . He has memories about his parents and the one foster home he was in . That 's why he was so skittish . " " He 's talked to me some . From what the General says the homes only got worse . " Elizabeth nodded . Ronon gave her a small , sad smile before he headed for his rooms . " Sheree ? " " No , Ma ' am . Daniel has only allowed me to play them back to him . I will not go against his wishes if it is not harming him . " " Daniel is sleeping in his room . He 's fine and sleeping deeply . If he has a nightmare , I will alert whichever of Ronon 's team is closest . " It took Carson longer than he thought to find what was wrong with Jack . He ran tests on the Ancient machines and found nothing wrong . It wasn 't until he ran a blood test under a microscope that he saw it . He was able to separate the organism from Jack 's blood and tested it . It wasn 't anything he had seen before . Except one thing - it had nanites in it . Carson called Elizabeth and waited for her to arrive . He had sedated Jack again . Jack had nearly destroyed the small room he had been held in . His hands were bloodied and very sore . Carson had been happy that he hadn 't broken anything . Elizabeth entered followed by Radek . " You said he has nanites in his blood ? " " Aye , he does . We took a small sample and applied an EM pulse to them . They were still functioning after that . I don 't know how to stop them . " " Yes , I tried to convince him to take some extended time off but he said no . He wanted out of the job and away from the labs . He doesn 't want anyone bothering him at all for any research unless it 's dire . His eyes Carson . They were dead . He said that the knowledge in his head is hurting him . He 's trying so hard to be a kid , that the knowledge is suppressing itself . All because of the demands being made on him . " " I 've reviewed the logs . Two days ago he was woken up at midnight and all but threatened to get to the lab and fix something they messed up . " Carson shook his head . Elizabeth sighed and hung her head . " He 's a child . He may have the knowledge of the Ancients in his head , but he is a child first . " Daniel looked around the small settlement on the mainland . He wanted to live near them not with them . He wanted to be alone . He moved to the edge of the woods . He found the perfect little spot just inside . His tent would be seen from the settlement , and he would be safe . Daniel started clearing the area of all debris . Ronon had shown him how to clean up an area and make it livable . Daniel knew that fresh water could be gotten from the settlement and food , as he needed it . He just needed to clear and set up an area for a fire pit . John and his team had made sure that he had everything he needed , including his Navas . It was floating near the water 's edge and was just waiting for him to do what he needed with it . Daniel was going to use it to look around the lower parts of the land . Anything he found he would report but for the most part he was just going to have fun . His mind was blank for the first time in over two years . The information was there , but he knew how to control the flow of it from his subconscious into his waking mind . Daniel recalled the conversations between Doctor Heightmeyer and Elizabeth . Heightmeyer had been very pleased with how he was acting . She okayed him coming to the mainland to live . Saying that he needed it , needed to be away from the stress of the every day life in Atlantis . " His body won 't handle it . He 's lost weight ; he has the start of an ulcer . Luckily Carson found it in time . Doctor Weir , if you hadn 't already agreed to let him leave his post , I would have forced it . We have adults who do less than half the work he does , and they are barely handling it . Stress affects the body in weird ways . I 'm surprised he hasn 't had a break down , in consideration of everything that he 's gone through according to these reports . " " Carson thinks that Daniel is having trouble sleeping on his own . Even when he is not interrupted . He talks to a woman at night . I wonder if outside the city he 'll still be able to . " " I don 't know . All he has to do is wait and see . Children bounce back . After some time , he will be back to what is normal for him . " " Which isn 't very normal . I don 't know whether I want him to be normal . We can 't help him with Jack . Now at least he has a buffer . All the knowledge in his brain is being suppressed . " " The mind does what it wants . It will do what it thinks is best . You have to trust that it will cope with everything . I don 't know how to handle this . I don 't know what to do . All I can do is watch and make sure that no harm comes to him . " Daniel sighed as he looked around . This was just what he needed to get back to normal . A few months , maybe a year on the mainland and maybe he could go back to Atlantis . He didn 't know if he would be able to work full time by then , but he could try . Daniel stepped out of his tent on the edge of the mainland 's wooded area . He watched the sunrise before he started cleaning up his living area from the small supper he had the night before . Once the sun was fully up he was going to go on a hike through the woods , to try to clear his head before he started work on the small device he had brought with him . " Yeah , she 's able to take care of herself . " Kalian smiled at Daniel before he started to clean out the fire pit . " You don 't have to do that . " " We 'll be back for lunch . You cook better than I do . Least I can do it get this ready for cooking . " Daniel laughed at him before he nodded and went into the tent to finish getting ready . When he came out , he grabbed his bag , and they set off . Five hours later , they came back to Daniel 's small camp . Seshat was curled up in front of the tent , and Daniel laughed . " I don 't know . Jack told me that I was taken by an enemy , and he believed that I was killed aboard one of their ships . I was returned to the SGC in the form I am with no memories of my life before that age . My parents had been dead only a few months and I wasn 't in a good place . It took quite a while for me to let Jack in . " " But things got better ? " " Daniel , let go . Have you let go ? " He heard a small snuffle from Daniel and then Daniel started shaking . Kalian smiled . Daniel would be fine once he let everything go . After a while , Daniel started calming down . Kalian saw Teyla and Ronon in the trees . When they saw the two boys , they backed off . " I don 't want him back . I don 't want anyone back . It hurts too much . Daniel knew that . He didn 't let anyone near him . " " Don 't ! " Daniel screamed pulling back from Kalian . " I am done with adults . All they do is get in the way . They make you care and then give you up ! " " Promise me you 'll eat . " Daniel sighed and nodded . Kalian nodded and backed up from the campsite . Once he cleared the forest , he saw John , Rodney , Teyla , Ronon , and Aiden standing there . " He 's not doing too well . I got him to let go , but I pushed too far . " " And you don 't know him . Jack hurt him far more than anyone should be hurt . I think his inner mind knows what he went through as a child the first time , and it 's protecting him . " " He 's got all he needs ? " Aiden asked . Kalian nodded . The team headed off , and Kalian watched them . He shook his head before going back to his family 's living space . He kept an eye on Daniel 's throughout the day and went to bed when Daniel did . He just hoped that the cure for Jack didn 't take long . Jack was the only one who was going to be able to get through to the young man . Jack was the only one with the connection to Daniel 's past and his psyche . Jack was the only one who could crack the shell that Daniel had erected and kept around himself . Radek paced around Daniel 's office , trying to think . He didn 't know what to do . He paced back and forth in the office trying to figure out how to tell Jack about Daniel disappearing . He thought the young boy would come back after an hour to two , but it had been five since the nine - year - old boy ran out of his office . Finally , he decided to go find Jack to tell him what happened . Jack and Elizabeth sat in her office trying to work out a peaceful solution to the NID wanting Daniel . They 'd been trying to figure it out for over a year . The NID never put any thought to the fact he might have slipped off to Atlantis with Jack , but they soon would . Hermiod told the NID that no one got aboard the ship without him knowing . He had rigged the sensors so that they didn 't detect Daniel . " You gave us sanctuary and this place was just made a ' colony ' of Earth . Now I 've been talking to China and Canada . They both would take us as citizens with no other motives . They agree that Daniel is better off here where he can do the most good . " " He 's so busy doing other things . I try to get him to stop , but he just talks about how he has to get it done . He 's a nine - year - old kid that works for a living . If he didn 't go nuts because the information in his head , I would make him stop . " " Yes , we remember well what happened when you made Daniel stay in his room and not work for a few days . I don 't suggest you do it again . Not until he has better control of the information in his head . He can 't control it yet . " " Who knew that Sheree would act against us , " Jack said with a sheepish grin on his face , they had all forgot that Sheree would protect Daniel . Elizabeth opened her mouth to talk just as Radek knocked on the door and entered . Jack tipped his head back . When he saw it was Radek , he jumped up out of the chair . " Zelenka ? " " He ran from the lab . A few people asked for his help . He blew up at them . Mostly yelling in language none of us knew . He reminds me of Rodney . I recognized the Czech word for incompetent . I had hoped he would come back . That was five hours ago . I 'm becoming worried . " " What about that damn cat of his ? Seen it around ? " " No , no one has . I checked your personal rooms . Nothing . He 's a rather resourceful child isn 't he ? " " He can be . I swear that when he was littled they didn 't get rid off all that is Daniel Jackson . He 's still as stubborn and as bull headed as he used to be , " Jack said as he started out of Elizabeth 's office . " Don 't yell at him too much . " Jack waved his acknowledgement . He wandered along the halls checking everyone of Daniel 's favorite hiding spots . The last place he had checked was the Navas bay . Daniel was sitting atop his personal Navas . That particular Navas had imprinted itself on Daniel . No one else could fly it . " Hey , Danny , " Jack said . Daniel didn 't answer him . He didn 't even turn around . Jack didn 't approach him . He didn 't want to scare him in case some new power had developed . Daniel had scared them all with the last power that had developed . Jack remembered a year ago , when the kid had found something in the system . He had started jumping around . Seconds later , all the papers in the room had started flying around . When Daniel had calmed down , the papers stopped flying around . Since then no other powers had cropped up , but Jack was scared to find out . Jack remembered a file Elizabeth had received that talked about the powers that a clone of Anubis had , healing , telepathy , telekinesis , among others . Jack wait a few minutes and when Daniel didn 't acknowledge him , he stepped closer . " Sure , Jack . I 'll see you later . " Jack watched Daniel move down from the top of the Navas then head out the door . Jack shook his head . He was just glad that Daniel was able to have his mornings and evenings free . " Don 't you even care ? " Daniel asked as he sat on the balcony of one of the spires in the city . Jack was standing behind him . It was only a week later and Daniel hated that Jack had found him again when he wanted to be alone . " You don 't talk to me anymore . You don 't care . " " Listen , I have to go . There 's a meeting I need to be a part of . Daniel , you have your mornings and evenings free . What more do you want ? " Jack didn 't wait for an answer . He just left . Daniel huffed and pulled his knees closer . " I don 't have my mornings anymore and half my evening is spent answering questions over the radio , Jack . Not that you care . Or even want to care . " " Jack , what did you do ? " Daniel asked as the machine in front of him powered down . He turned around and saw that Jack was looking sheepish . He sighed turned back around and tried to turn on the machine again . It didn 't work . " Jack ! " " What ? I was thinking about Earth . I remembered Carter and Teal ' c . " Daniel looked at Jack and set down the data pad in his hand . He knew what had happened . Jack had been thinking about Earth and his friends , and that caused a surge in his mind . That caused the gene to affect the Ancient equipment in the area . " The Odyssey is doing an extra supply run this month . Some scientific equipment that we need . You can step through the ' gate and then come back with it . " I 'm safe here , Jack . You miss home . Go back for a while . " He turned back around to look at the device . He muttered under his breath , " Or stay there . " " No , I think that you still run off and can get into trouble . No way , Daniel . " Daniel just shrugged and started working again . Jack sat back in the small workroom . Daniel had asked for his help , but it seemed he didn 't want it anymore . After a few minutes , he decided to leave Daniel to his work . Jack wandered around the city . He didn 't know what was wrong with Daniel . The kid worked less than he did . He spent hours in the morning playing with Ronon and Aiden . Finally , Jack went for dinner . He didn 't see Daniel in a corner of the mess hall with a group of scientists around him . Or the machine in front of the boy with his half eaten food tray shoved to the side . " You are a little brat . You know that ? " Jack screamed at Daniel . He had come back to their quarters and found the doors locked . Daniel knew better than to lock him out of their rooms . When Jack finally found a way in the rooms , Daniel was just sitting on the couch working . Jack immediately screamed at him and the fight had started . " No , I didn 't , Jack . She doesn 't do everything I ask of her . She has to think of the city and its people first . " Jack just growled and stalked closer to Daniel . Daniel pushed his laptop from his lap and stood up to meet him , all four feet three inches of Daniel standing in front of Jack 's height of six feet two inches . " Is that it ? Sheree knows more about the people of the city and she doesn 't need you as much ? You miss the attention that much so you are acting out . " Jack stepped closer so that Daniel had to tip his head back to see Jack 's face . " Maybe that 's why your parents came back to America . So that they could put you in school and get the bratiness out of you . " " Oh , that 's right . You can 't remember that . You can 't remember the last thirty years of your life . You know I am getting sick of dealing with your attitude . You 're a little kid that can 't accept when he 's not the center of attention . I came by to tell you that the Asgard need me . Thor doesn 't want to risk you getting hurt so you can 't go . I don 't know how long I will be gone . " Jack turned from Daniel and went to the door . He opened it and left with no words to Daniel . Jack walked to the control room . He wanted to calm down from talking to Daniel so he decided to pace for a few minutes . To any one it would seem like he was upset about having to go with the Asgard . " Jack ? " Elizabeth asked . Jack was pacing in the control room . Elizabeth didn 't know why he was in the ' gate room . Finally , Jack stopped pacing and he looked at her . " Thor contacted me a little while ago . He needs my help with something . I have no clue how long I will be gone . I 've already talked to Daniel . He 's fine with this , " Jack said . He waved at Elizabeth as an Asgard beam enveloped him . Elizabeth stared in shock . She had never known Jack to be that curt with anyone . Over the past couple of months , Jack seemed to anger quickly , but he never lashed out so no one paid any attention . Maybe they should have . Elizabeth was just about to ask someone to find Daniel when he came running into the ' gate room . His face was tear - streaked , and he was out of breath . When he saw that the ' gate was shut down , he started crying again . He turned around and fled the room . He ran into Rodney in the hall and fell down . He shrugged out of Rodney 's helping hands as they tried to right him and took off . Rodney looked confused . Daniel had never cried in public before . Rodney looked up at Elizabeth . " Oh , dear . I cannot find Daniel . He is hiding himself from me . General O ' Neill said a few things to him . I do not wish to play them back to everyone . " " I do not monitor their rooms all the time . Daniel and General O ' Neill both wanted privacy . Then General O ' Neill disappeared , followed by Daniel . I played back the recording device in their room . It is most disturbing . " " Doctor Weir , this is Teyla . Ronon and I were sparring and Daniel came running into the room . He is crying and inconsolable . Do you know what is wrong ? " " Sheree why don 't we go to my office ? Rodney , call John have him meet us there now . " Rodney nodded and clicked his radio . Twenty minutes later , Rodney , John , and Elizabeth were seated around the desk in Elizabeth 's office . " I shall play back what General O ' Neill and Daniel said to each other . " They listened to the play back intently . Rodney 's reaction was the strongest . He wanted to rip Jack 's head off for what he had said to Daniel . John was right behind him , but he was more worried about why Jack had said what he had . Elizabeth showed almost no reactions and thought about the idea that she and Carson had been thinking about for the mood swing of Jack . She knew that his reactions and actions weren 't enough for her to make him do anything that he didn 't want to do , but she wanted to . She wanted to get Daniel totally away from Jack and safely under the care of someone else . " What is most disturbing is that his heart rate was normal . He wasn 't excited at all . He was calm and collected . Yet , his words … I guess I am not used to humans from Earth . " Sheree made a sound like a sigh and then there was nothing from her . " My god , " Elizabeth gasped . John looked at Rodney and Elizabeth in shock . " I 'll find Seshat and take her to him . " Rodney stood up and left the office . John stood up as well . " And I 'll try contact Thor or Hermiod . Hopefully before they are out of range . " Elizabeth went to the control room and had the tech open a channel to the Asgard frequency . The ship could have left the galaxy by then . She didn 't know which one they had been using . " Calling the Asgard ship , I need to talk to General O ' Neill immediately . It 's a matter of great importance . Asgard ship , please respond . " Elizabeth waited and repeated the message every few minutes . When twenty went by with no reply , she had them shut down the link . Elizabeth sighed . " What is going on ? " Chuck asked . " General O ' Neill left on a mission with the Asgard . In his place , he left a very distraught Daniel and a mess to be cleaned up . Please tell Carson that when General O ' Neill gets back , he has free rein with him . I want his body scanned for everything . This isn 't like him . " " No , it doesn 't , but it 's what he said . Daniel has been more prone to disappearing from the labs lately . I think it 's because he misses General O ' Neill . From what I understand , he hasn 't been around their living quarters as much . " Elizabeth nodded at the tech , and she walked out of the control room . She moved to the closest transporter and made her way to the sparring room . When she entered , she found Rodney , John , and Teyla sitting in a half circle around Daniel and Ronon . Daniel was sitting in Ronon 's lap . His face buried in Ronon 's neck . She could hear the sobs from the doorway . Seshat was sitting beside Daniel , rubbing her face in his side . John looked up and saw her . He stood up . " He 's not doing too well . We can 't get him to talk or anything . He just sits there and cries . He hasn 't acknowledged anyone but Ronon , and he is scaring us . " John turned back to look at the child and watched as he slowly cried himself to sleep . " Ronon wants to take him to the mainland . Ford 's there helping with some things on assignment . I said I would fly them . " " I think so as well . You can leave when you are ready . I want Ronon to keep an eye on him . He 's almost ten pounds under weight for his age . If he doesn 't eat , he needs to be brought back so that he can be given supplements through an IV . " " Thanks . " John walked over to Ronon and talked to him for a few seconds . Ronon nodded and stood up . Seshat jumped to Rodney . Elizabeth frowned . She couldn 't wait to give General O ' Neill a piece of her mind . Daniel woke up in a small tent , and he didn 't know where he was . He rolled over and saw Ronon sitting at the front of the tent . Ronon looked at him and smiled . Daniel smiled back . A cup was handed to him . Daniel smelled the freshly made coffee in it . Daniel smiled at Ronon and took a sip . He remembered the fight that he had got into with Doctor Lam on Earth and then Doctor Beckett on Atlantis about his coffee drinking . In the end , he won out . He was allowed three cups a day until he was fifteen , and then he would be allowed as much as he wanted . Of course , during the day he drank more than three . No one monitored how much he drank , and sometimes when he was upset , people gave him a lot more without caring . " I don 't care . I want to go back to Atlantis . You are not my father ! My father is dead ! " Daniel screamed the last parts and stood up . He pushed past Ronon on his way out of the tent . Aiden started towards him , but Daniel just went the other direction . Aiden frowned at him and stopped walking . Ronon exited the tent as Daniel stopped at the edge of the clearing . He knew that he wasn 't allowed to go past there . Even thought that part of the mainland was settled , there were still strange creatures that could harm him . " Daniel , I sent a message to Atlantis . In four hours , a jumper will come to get you , " Ronon called . Daniel nodded so that Ronon knew he heard . He just wanted to go back to Atlantis and work . He wanted to forget . " I see . I 'm sure that he will make it back in due time . I bet you can 't wait for him to get back so that he can help you with the mission works ups . " " Don 't you miss him , Daniel ? " " No . " Daniel stood up from his bed and walked over to his desk . He opened up his laptop and started typing . Elizabeth exited the room . She didn 't know how to fix what had happened between the man and this small boy . She made her way back to her office . She left a message with Thor but had yet to hear back from him . When she dialed Earth for a check in , she found out the life support system on the Daedalus needed an overhaul , and it wouldn 't be back to Atlantis for two weeks , that meant that the few things that Daniel wanted from Earth wouldn 't get there and help his spirits . Elizabeth sighed and asked John , Aiden , Rodney , Teyla , and Ronon to come to her office . She knew that Daniel wouldn 't react to the news , but an eye would have to be kept on him . " Do you know how often I told people not to bother me during the mornings ? I may have Ancient knowledge in my head , but I want to do things for myself . Every one of the scientists who asked for my help said that it was only going to take a few minutes then he would be gone . Then there were the ones who said that I had enough time playing and I was needed at that instant to do things . I tried to tell Jack , but he wouldn 't listen . He doesn 't even spend any time with me . He was always doing other things . I don 't have alone time anymore . I haven 't read a book fully through in three months . I get a few pages read , and then a crisis develops in the lab . " Elizabeth sat back in her chair . Daniel stood up from his seat and turned away from her . " Rodney and Radek try , but they can 't control everyone . I haven 't eaten a meal without someone asking for my help in weeks . " " No , because no one cares . Ronon has scared off a few , but he can 't be there every second of the day . Anytime I say ' no ' to them , they say that I 'm a little brat who doesn 't do his job . When I tell them that I 've been working for seven hours straight with no rest , they just tell me to suck it up . The Wraith are out there , and we need to defeat them . Not all of the scientists are like this . Now , I am taking Seshat and Ronon and we are going in my Navas . I would rather go alone , but I know that it won 't be allowed . Ronon will give me the space I need . " " Rodney , Radek , and I want permission to start on the ' gate project that was denied last year . With the problems Daedalus had , we think that your approval will go a long way with the IOA . We need supply lines between Earth and Atlantis . " " This is the project where Rodney wants to harvest unused ' gates from all over the galaxy and take them to planets between Earth and Atlantis ? " Elizabeth asked . Daniel nodded . " We won 't have to . Rodney and his team will be out there , but most of the time the planet is a bust . There is nothing there . Those ' gates can be harvested by a team of scientists and a few soldiers . I can fly the jumper . " " No , they think that I am the best to pitch it . Rodney and I thought it up . Rodney also thinks that the scientists will get their own feet under them if I have a project taking up all my time . This project would take all of my time and make it so that if I say ' no ' they have to take it for an answer . I never asked to be treated as an adult . I never asked to be treated as a child . I wanted to be treated with respect . " " It won 't help . Rodney , Ronon , and Radek have all done it . It doesn 't help . " Daniel stood up from his seat and moved to the door . As he left , Elizabeth followed him . " Daniel , why don 't you stay here ? You can make your request to the IOA yourself . " Daniel nodded and stepped up to the control consol . After Elizabeth went through the normal procedure , Daniel stood in the background , waiting for Elizabeth to finish . " General , is Mr . Woolsey there ? " " Thank you , General , " Elizabeth said into the comm . She turned to Daniel and motioned for him to step up . A few minutes later , Woolsey 's voice was heard over the comm . " Actually it 's one of our science members who wishes to talk to you . " Daniel started laying out the plan again , revised a little from the last time it had been brought before the IOA . When Daniel was finished , Woolsey started speaking . " I won 't make him do something that he doesn 't want to do . He 's made his opinion on you clear . After hearing what you said to him , I 'm not sure I would accept an apology if I were him anyway . And how are you on Earth ? " " They didn 't feel like transporting me all the way back . When Thor found out that the Daedalus was leaving , they dropped me on Earth . Just tell him that I am sorry . I acted like an ass . " " Fine . I resented him a little bit . My life here on Earth was over the moment I fled to Atlantis . I couldn 't just go back to it . I couldn 't just leave him and we can 't come back to Earth . The NID are still out there , even in small numbers . The ones responsible are gone but who knows who else is after him . There 's also the Trust . " " I see . He never asked you to do anything that you did . All you had to do was ship him off here . Hermiod said that he could have made sure that Daniel was fed and cared for on his trip here . " " He 's Daniel Jackson . He was my best friend for over eight years . I couldn 't just leave him , and I never should have done it in a fit of rage . No matter what the reasons I actually left . " " I 'm glad you 've acknowledged that , but what about Daniel ? If he doesn 't want you here and can 't stand being around you . I won 't let you back on Atlantis . " " I am your adopted father , Daniel . You can 't tell me what to do . Let 's not fight , Danny . I am so sorry . I don 't know why I said what I said . It just came out . " " No , you are not my adopted father . You are someone who adopted me . It 's no different from what happened to the other Daniel . I 've read what happened to him . If you can leave me so easily , I don 't want you anymore . You did what every one of his foster parents did . Once you got sick of me , you tossed me away . " " Say it a few more times , Jack . Maybe someone will believe you . I want proof , not words , Jack . " Daniel nodded at Weir before he left the control room again . " No . He left . Jack , I 'm worried about him . He really needs something good to happen . Try to make sure the IOA approves the ' gate harvesting plan . He needs it . " When Jack returned to Atlantis , he didn 't get the greeting in the ' gate room he was used to . He didn 't feel the joy of hearing his kid running to him or see his kid jumping into his arms . He was met with the noise of normal operations for the ' gate and control rooms . Elizabeth stepped forward . She was the only one there to meet him . There wasn 't a kid waiting for him . Even to watch him come home . " Jack , I don 't like this game any more , " Daniel said as walked around the small room he had been in for over two weeks . Every time anyone came to the door , he had to hide . No one knew he was on the ship . Jack was supposed to be making a trip to Atlantis to help boost morale , but what no one knew was that he had made plans to stay in Atlantis . " I know you don 't , Danny . It won 't be much longer I promise . I know this isn 't much fun for you , " Jack said . Jack watched the seven - year - old Daniel move around the room . Jack had brought books with him , but Daniel had gone through them in the first week . Then the second and the last weeks had been spent with a bored Daniel . " Thank you , " Jack said as he clicked off the comm . unit . Daniel was now sitting on the bed . Jack wondered what the boy was up to . Daniel was smiling and sitting still , something he had found wasn 't a good combination in the young child . " Danny ? " " Can we play horsy ? " Daniel asked . Jack laughed . Daniel loved to play horsy . His father used to play with him . Daniel remembered everything about his parents . For some reason when Daniel had been made a child , he was basically returned to the age he had been when his parents died . Daniel had been so wary of Jack in the beginning . It had been explained that Jack was his new foster parent , but Daniel didn 't trust him . Jack remembered the conversation they had . " Daddy says that old men like you only want little boys for one thing , " Daniel said to Jack . Jack just stared at Daniel . What had Melburn told this kid ? Jack asked himself . " Daniel , I 'm your foster parent for right now . I don 't want anything from you . I just want to take care of you , " Jack said to the young child . " You 're too old . You just want me for something , " Daniel said . Jack sighed . Daniel had seemed fine at the SGC for the two days he had been there . He 'd been put through test after test to make sure that he was fine . Everyone had remembered the fiasco with his mini and wanted to make sure that Daniel was fine . Once the two had gotten to Jack 's it had started , Daniel asking why Jack wanted him . Why was he staying with someone so old ? Jack had never really talked to Daniel about how he was as a kid . He never really wanted to know . Now he wished he had . " You know you look older than my grandpa , Nick . Did you meet him ? Does he know that someone your age is taking care of me ? " Daniel asked . Jack covered his mouth before he could say anything else . " Now listen here young man . I am taking you in . I will be a friend to you if that 's what you want , and over time , if you think you will have me , I will adopt you . I do not want to do anything bad to you . Just love you , " Jack said . When he removed his hand from Daniel 's mouth , he found a huge smile on Daniel 's face . " Thank you , " Jack said back . He looked at Daniel who was sitting on the bed still begging to play horsy . " Daniel , I 'll play horsy when we get settled in our new home . " " Those men , you remember them . " Jack watched Daniel 's eyes grow in size before he ran to Jack 's arms and buried himself against him . " You 'll be safe here . I promise . " " It 's Weir and Sheppard , " Elizabeth said . Jack opened the door and let the two enter the room . " Hello , Daniel . My name is Elizabeth and this is John . " " Hello , Daniel , " John said . Daniel looked at the two new people . " He 's a little shy . Danny , they are friends . I promise , " Jack said . " Can I show them Seshat ? " Daniel asked . Jack laughed . Daniel loved his kitten . " Yes , you can but only after they shut the door . We don 't want her getting out . " Jack put Daniel down . Daniel ran over to the cage that held his kitten . He carefully pulled out the kitten who stretched and curled up in his arms . " And how did this get approved ? " Elizabeth asked . " I asked Mister Hank . He stopped by the house , and I showed him my new kitten . I couldn 't leave her behind . She 's just a baby . Babies don 't get left behind , " Daniel said . John smiled and knelt so that he could pet the kitten . " Jack hates myths , " Daniel whispered to John . John laughed and ruffled Daniel 's hair . " Seshat is the Egyptian Goddess of reading , writing , architecture , and arithmetic . She is also associated with libraries , letters , archives , and historical records . She keeps track of the royal annals , with the ruling periods of every king and the speeches that were spoken during the crowning rituals . She also assisted the pharaoh mark out the boundaries of a temple in a ritual known as ' stretching the cord ' . " " Thor , he was a good alien . I liked him , " Daniel said . Elizabeth smiled at Daniel . Daniel moved to put away his kitten , and then he went over to John , and held his hands up . John picked up Daniel . " Can you play horsy ? " " Actually there is a guy here who would love to play horsy with you . His name 's Ronon . He 's big and can play for hours and hours , " John said . Daniel turned to Jack . " Can I go play with him ? " Daniel asked . Jack had noticed the change in Daniel over the few months he had the kid . He wasn 't scared of being thrown away . " Maybe later . We have to get set up here . After you play , you 'll be tired . Do you want to have to get everything ready when you are already tired ? " Jack asked . " Thanks . That will save some time , and you 're right . Danny could do with a little bit of playing , " Jack said . Daniel looked at Jack wide eyed . He ran to Seshat 's cage and took her out of it . " Ronon would love to meet him , and I know that Rodney would love to meet Seshat , " John said . " Just your team right ? " Jack asked . John nodded . " Good . He can go with you . " " Yeah , thanks , Jack , " Daniel said as he hugged Jack . He ran to a box and pulled out a harness , putting it on Seshat before he moved to stand beside John . Elizabeth smiled at the little boy , as he and John were teleported out of the room . " As long as they are on Atlantis , John 's team will be Danny 's guard . Between the four of them , they can cover him , and he won 't know . It seems that Ronon loves kids . He likes going to the mainland to visit the Athosian kids . Rodney left his cat behind on Earth and he 's missed her since then , " Elizabeth said . " That 's good . He needs that . He runs off a lot , and I am scared for him . He doesn 't have any knowledge of his past life . " " Melburn , his birth dad , made sure he was wary of what some older men want of little boys . I think that because of where he lived and what happened there . He wanted to make sure that his son was protected , " Jack said . " She ? " John asked . Daniel just shrugged . John looked at them and mouthed ' Elizabeth . ' The rest of the team nodded . Daniel looked at Ronon . " It 's a child 's game where the adult or larger person gets on the floor on his hands and knees . The child climbs onto his back , and holds onto the adults shirt or hair . The adult walks around on his hands and knees like a horse , " Rodney said . " Oh , that . Yes , we can play , but first I need to eat . Are you hungry ? " Ronon asked . Daniel nodded . Rodney moved over to the door and told the SF outside to get the two some food . " I know until the Daedalus leaves I can 't be seen by anyone , and it can 't be known that Jack is coming to live here . The N . I . D . wants me . They want the information that they think is in my head . Because of who I used to be . I may be small , but that doesn 't mean I can 't hear , " Daniel said as he handed Seshat to Rodney . John looked at Teyla and Ronon . " Find Jack . I think that Daniel hasn 't been telling everything , " John said . Teyla nodded . She left the room to find Elizabeth and Jack . John watched Daniel move around the room . It was the room that Teyla used as a training room . It was where she trained John to stick fight . It was a place that was seen as Teyla 's . No one entered unless asked so it made for a perfect place to hide Daniel until the Daedalus left three days later . Daniel was still moving around the room when Jack and Elizabeth entered the room . He saw Jack and ran to him . Jack picked him up . " The ' she ' he mentioned before . We thought that he was talking about Elizabeth . He said he knew who Teyla was and that ' she ' told him , " John said . " She started talking to me days ago on the Daedalus . I was scared at first . You couldn 't hear her , but then she started talking about the place we were going , " Daniel said . " I don 't know . She 's here in the city . She 's everywhere in the city . I think she might be the consciousness of the city , " Daniel said . Jack looked shocked . Daniel started wiggling around in Jack 's arms to be let down . Jack set him down without thinking . " Ronon , can we eat ? " " Sure , why don 't we intercept the person that got our food , and we eat it in my room . I think they need to talk , " Ronon said . Daniel nodded and held out his hands to be picked up . Ronon picked him up and they left the room . " For him . General , I know that Doctor Jackson was a really smart man , a genius . Is he acting normal for a seven year old ? " John asked . " Daniel , are you ready to go to dinner ? " Jack asked as he entered the small area where they lived . He entered the room , but Daniel wasn 't there . He looked the whole place over and didn 't find Daniel or Seshat . Jack cursed and clicked his radio . " Daniel Gabriel Jackson , get your ass back to the room right now ! " " Who ? " Jack asked . " Sheree , the matron of the city . We are learning from each other . I 've told you about her , " Daniel said . " Danny , you need to come back now . " " I know . I just wish he didn 't leave in the first place , O ' Neill out . " Jack clicked the radio . He grabbed his life signs detector and went about looking for his young charge . Two hours later , he came across a room that had two signs in it . The door wouldn 't open . That in and of itself was strange because almost every door on Atlantis opened for him . Then he saw the two signs disappear from the screen in front of him . " I was trying to find Daniel . I came across this room , and there were two life signs inside it . Then seconds later , they were gone . Find all you can on this part of the city . " " There is a transporter in that room . I can 't track where it goes . Its destination is not marked in the system . In fact , there are many places in that part of the city that are mysterious . We were never able to get that part of the city to work . " " Oh , I know it was Daniel . I couldn 't open the door . This city loves Sheppard and me . After trying the door , the two left . Daniel needs a good lesson with my hand when he gets back . This city is too dangerous to be wandering around alone . " " I 'll be there in a minute , " Jack said then he clicked the radio off and took off for the ' gate room . When he entered , he found a woman standing and talking to McKay . " Welcome Alina , " a voice said . The voice carried throughout the whole room but without the aid of speakers . The voice was melodic and soft . " You have gift ? " " Yes , I received a message in my dreams that the Ancestors had come back to Atlantis , and it was needed . I must get back home . Is Daniel really here ? " Alina asked . " We 'll see , " Jack said going along with everything . He wondered about whether the voice was Daniel playing around or the one that everyone called Daniel 's imaginary friend . " Are you Sheree ? " " You cannot see me because I do not truly exist . I am the consciousness of the city . Daniel , when he was turned into what he is , retained all of his subconscious memories . They became the focus of his new being . He is an Ancient , a living breathing Ancient with all of the powers to go with it . He is the future of his city . He will bring along with him everything . Allies you need and the power with it . " " Jack , he knows what he is supposed to do . His body is that of a seven year old but his mentality is that of an Ancient . He is what he was when he was ascended as far as his mind goes . " " As much as I can be , " Sheree said . " I think we have a few complications , " John said . The adults nodded . They all waited for Sheree to talk again but she didn 't . Jack heard giggling , and watched as Daniel entered the room . He stopped when he saw the looks he was getting from all the adults . " Get over here now , Daniel Jackson , " Jack said . Daniel looked at Jack with wide fearful eyes , but he didn 't move . " I said get over HERE NOW ! " Daniel took a step forward then turned around and ran away . Jack took off after him only to be stopped by Ronon . " He is scared of you , " Ronon said . Jack turned to the larger man . " The last time that someone yelled at him like that , the man was a drunkard and he hit Daniel . I will find him and talk to him . " Ronon , Teyla , John , and Rodney searched for Daniel but didn 't find him . They reported to Weir , and she stared down Jack . Jack moved to the control room and used the P . A . system to talk to Daniel . " Come on , Danny . You must be hungry . You need to eat . I 'll stay away from the mess and you can eat . Please , Danny , everyone is worried about you , " Jack said . He repeated his pleas every few minutes , and then finally two blips just appeared on the LSD beside Ronon . " Elizabeth you might want to come down here , " John said . Elizabeth looked at Jack , and they both took off . They found the team in the middle of a large room . " It 's as big as the jumper bay , " Jack said . " It 's a submersible bay , " John said . He pointed where Rodney was looking at one of the subs . " Rodney 's already called Radek down here to help him . " " This is great . If we had known about this a while back I wouldn 't have almost drowned . We can finally see if the Ancients left any installations on the bottom of the ocean . I know that John has wanted to do that for a while , " Rodney said as he rejoined the group . " And we can see who your large friend was , " John said . Rodney scowled at him . Moment later , Radek joined them in the room . He saw the subs and immediately went to look at them . " Elizabeth , we are missing one , " Radek said . " Because there are marks here in the dust of small feet . I 'd say that they are Daniel 's . " Radek pointed down , and Jack moved to look at them . Jack clicked his radio . " Yes , you would . You said so . ' Daniel needs a good lesson with my hand when he gets back . ' I heard you when you said that outside the room that transports me into the bay . I will not let you hit me . " " I 'm sorry , Danny . I was mad and worried . I didn 't think before I said that , Danny . I would never hurt you . I promise . " " Good , I think we have a few people here who would love to look at the sub in action , " Jack said . He heard Daniel giggle . " It 's not a sub . It 's a Navas . The Latin word for ship is navis . The full name is Aqua Navas : water ship , but they just call them Navas 's . " " That 's nice , Daniel . Something else that Sheppard can 't name . " Jack heard Daniel giggle again and then they heard a noise . They turned to see one of the Navas 's enter the room through a hole in the bottom of the city . After the ship set down , Daniel came down the ramp of the ship with Seshat following him . He stopped in front of Jack and looked down . Jack dropped down so that he was looking the kid in the eye . Then he wrapped his arms around Daniel and started crying . " Don 't do that ! You scared me , Daniel . " " I 'm sorry , Jack . I 'm just doing what I 'm supposed to do , " Daniel said as he hugged Jack right back . " Sheree already did but you need to make me a promise . Promise me that you won 't wander off anymore . When you go to do something , come get me . If I am not available , then get Rodney , John , Teyla , or Ronon . " " Well at first I didn 't know , and then I went onto the database and found that I spoke about forty three different languages : Ancient , Furling , Nox , Asgard , Wraith , Goa ' uld , and a bunch of other languages . " Daniel looked up at the adults who were looking at him . He blushed . " I 'm sorry I lied . I knew that if I let them know the N . I . D . would want me more and I might not be allowed to come here . " " Nothing , that 's it . I 'm hungry , Jack . Can we go eat ? " Daniel asked . Jack nodded . He looked at Elizabeth and pointed to his watch . Elizabeth nodded and understood that in a little bit Jack would be there to see her . Everyone waited for the pair to leave , and then they started talking . " No , we haven 't had the chance to transfer a viable dictionary to it , yet , " Radek said . " He is an Ancestor ; would he not have that knowledge ? " Teyla asked . " He 's seven and an Ancient , staying with a man that he doesn 't seem to trust all that well , " Rodney said . " Jack , where 's Seshat ? " Daniel asked over the radio . Daniel had been working with Zelenka on getting a Wraith dictionary into the database for most of the day . All the other scientists were working on the new Navas 's and making sure that all of them were working . Only one wasn 't working and when they had asked Daniel whether he could fix it , he had said no . " Last time I saw her she was on her way to the Navas 's bay . " " No one 's seen her , Jack . I 'm worried . She could be lost . " Jack could hear the fear in Daniel 's voice . Jack sighed and set down the reports that he was reading through about all the mission that the Atlantis teams had went through . Jack looked up at Weir and motioned to his ear . Elizabeth nodded and smiled at him . Jack got up and made his way to the lab where Daniel was . He found Daniel sitting on a desk while Radek tried to calm him down . Daniel saw Jack and launched himself at the older man . " I know . Just calm down . You and I will find her . Let 's get a LSD , and we will go . Do you want Ronon to come too ? " Daniel shook his head . He squeezed Jack tightly and buried his head in Jack 's neck . Radek saw the smile in the young child 's eyes and laughed silently . He wondered what Daniel was up to . " Sure , buddy . We can go there before we get one of the LSDs from Sheppard , " Jack said . Daniel waved at Radek as the pair left the room . The little boy that had been on the verge of tears was gone . He was smiling and laughing to himself . Jack held onto to Daniel who he thought was now crying . Jack started rubbing his back more to try to calm the boy down , but it didn 't seem to be working . All Daniel did was start crying more . Jack was happy when they got back to their quarters . When he stood Daniel on the end of the bed , he saw that Daniel was laughing . " When we came here Grandpa George send some papers with me . He said it was for when ' Jack gets his head out of his ass , ' his words . I was hoping you would sign them . " Daniel jumped off the bed and ran to the small desk that Halling had made him so he could work on things . He pulled out a stack of papers that read " Petition for Adoption " and handed them to Jack . Jack read the words on the paper and saw that everything was filled out on the papers . All Jack had to do was sign . He even saw that Weir had filled out the part of the papers that was normally reserved for a Judge . " Grandpa said that since we were going to live here , the only person who could make the decision was Elizabeth . So I took that papers to her , and she signed them . You don 't have to sign them now . I just wanted to give them to you . I can go back to Radek now . We were a little busy . " Daniel moved to the door and tried to leave , but Jack grabbed his arm . Daniel turned around . " Where 's a pen ? " Jack asked . Daniel smiled and dug through the papers on his desk to find a pen . Elizabeth watched as Jack and Daniel swam off one of the piers in the city . Daniel had only been swimming for a few weeks . He confessed to Jack that he had never leaned to swim since he had grown up in Egypt . " Jack ! Watch me ! " Daniel screamed as he dived under the water and came back up just a few inches from where Jack was . Jack smiled at him and dunked him under the water . Daniel came up sputtering and splashed Jack . " You 're doing well , Danny . Soon you 'll swim better than me , " Jack said as he splashed Daniel back . Elizabeth knew that there wasn 't just one that reason Daniel came to Atlantis . He wasn 't just there because he was an Ancient incarnate . She watched as Jack became open and loving . She watched as Daniel became a kid , a true loving kid who worked during the afternoon but spent his mornings and evenings just having fun . She remembered when she talked to Jack once . " He never had a childhood . The moment the stone fell on his parents , he wasn 't a kid again . He went from home to home and never stayed long . His longest stay was just two years , and that was during his college years . Even when he started working , he was going from Chicago to places around the world . That 's why he only ever had an apartment when he worked at the SGC . Always scared the job wouldn 't last all that long . " Elizabeth watched Aiden Ford join Daniel and Jack in the water . That had been another gift that Daniel had bestowed upon them . Daniel had talked them into letting him off world to look at a site . The planet had started crawling with darts , and Daniel was nowhere to be found . Three days later , they received a transmission from the same planet that Daniel had disappeared on . They had known it could be a trap , but Jack couldn 't not go . When the team arrived , they found Daniel standing in the middle of a field with a stunned man at his feet and a dart beside him . Jack rushed forward only to stop when he saw the man . Daniel smiled at him and reached up for a hug . Jack just stood there , staring at the man on the ground . Daniel ducked his head , and wrapped his arms around himself . " I 'm sorry , Jack . I know I said I wouldn 't run off , but I had to . When the darts started flying , I could feel him . I could feel his attachment to Atlantis . I let a dart take me . When I woke up I was in a cell near Aiden . He 's safe for now , but I would get him in the jumper . He could wake up at any point , and he won 't like it . " " Ronon , get Ford in the jumper ! " Jack screamed . John came running forward and looked at the young man who was lying on the ground , out like a light from the Wraith beam . Teyla and Rodney were next . When they came back through the ' gate , everyone had huge smiles . Carson met them at the steps and was shocked when he saw who the man being carried by Ronon was . " He 's got a while of detoxifying then he 'll be back and ready to go again , " Carson said . The city was abuzz with news that Ford was back . Carson had to throw people out of the infirmary because they were trying to see the young man . It didn 't take long for Aiden to wake up . He woke up and immediately tried to break out of the bonds . Daniel moved closer to the bed , and started talking to Aiden . Aiden stopped screaming . He listened to Daniel as he talked about the city . Aiden calmed down considerably . That 's the way it went until he was released . No one but Daniel could calm him down . Aiden went through a long withdrawal and only survived with the helps of his friends and Daniel . Daniel sat beside him every morning when he woke up , and stayed with him at night when he was falling asleep . No matter what Aiden said to him . Aiden came to Daniel 's side and helped the little boy fight against Jack . John 's team was more watchful of Daniel and protected him because he brought Aiden back to them . All of Atlantis loved the little boy and cared for him . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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I really don 't remember a whole lot about my Mom 's parents , Leo Joseph McQuiad and Mabel Sawyer McQuaid . Mother and Daddy to Mom ; Mamie and Poppy to their grandchildren . What I do remember are two loving and lovely people , who loved each other , their " girls " and their grandkids . I remember Poppy 's Irish accent and that he manned a tugboat on the Erie Canal . One time he took us for a ride on that tugboat - - - I 'm not sure now who went on that ride - - - and the motor caught on fire . I remember flames and thick smoke , but mostly I remember Poppy being calm and cool , making jokes so we wouldn 't be afraid , while he got the boat , and us , safely to shore . Another time , when I was really little , I had an ear infection and Mom put the medicine in orange juice . It tasted God - awful ! Poppy got me to drink it and then held me on his lap , all wrapped up in a blanket , and rocked and cuddled me till I fell asleep . I can still hear him humming . While at Aunt Ellen 's once , we kids played this really stupid game where one of us would lay down in the sandbox and another of us would jump over that person from a step ladder . Well , on my turn to lay down , and Lindy 's turn to jump - - - - yup , you guessed it . She jumped right on me and knocked the wind out of me ! She was so scared that she had killed me that she ran away , into the cornfield next to the house . Poppy again held me on his lap on a lawn chair until I calmed down . Lindy eventuallly realized I was ok and came out of the corn field - - - - this was probably a matter of minutes all together but seemed like a lifetime ! It may have been that same day that Billy 's friend , Scotty , came to play and they started to throw stones . Poppy told them to stop before someone got hurt , but , of course , they didn 't listen at first . Suddenly , he was on his feet , told Scotty to go home , which he did as fast as his legs would carry him , and proceeded to give Billy a lecture I think he remembers to this day ! It 's the only time I remember seeing Poppy upset , altho I 'm sure there were others . Sadly , Poppy died when I was very young . At that time , and thank God no longer , people were waked in their homes . Since he lived with us through his illness , he was waked in our home . I remember seeing him in the coffin and taking his hand , and begging him to get up and play with me . I got really mad that he wouldn 't . Mom tried to explain , but I was just young enough not to really get it . He had brothers in the Massena area and years later , when Mom would be at my house in Dannemora , we would go to visit them . I enjoyed all the people ( my relatives I hardly knew ) and all of the stories . I remember even less about Mamie , since I was very young when she died . I do remember she always wore a house dress and stockings that she rolled down on her legs . She babysat us sometimes while Mom worked at the hospital . One of those times , Lindy pushed me off the porch and I almost bit my tongue in half - - I can show you the scar . There was a LOT of blood but really , that 's all I remember about it . I seem to think I remember that Mamie spent a lot of time in the kitchen . . Mamie was also waked in our house . In the " front room " , with the shades down and the curtains all closed . I don 't know who was babysitting us but I have a very vivid memory of holding someone 's hand as we walked from her house to ours . Mom met us at the door and brought us in to see Mamie and just as a few years later with Poppy , I didn 't understand why she wouldn 't wake up . That 's all I remember of Mamie and Poppy , other than stories that Mom , Aunt Rita and Aunt Ellen would tell us . And I know from their stories , that they were wonderful people and parents . Poppy love Mamie and treated her like a princess and she loved him just as much . They adored their " girls " and their grandchildren . Just nice folks who I really wish I could have had around a little longer . Altho Mom was also afraid , when we were little she hid it well . She always told us it was just God and the angels bowling in Heaven - - - the thunder was the sound of the ball rolling down the lane and the lightening meant someone got a strike ! I actually bought that for a while ( and even used that story for my own kids ! ) After all , Mom wouldn 't lie to us , would she ? My Dad loved storms and would sit on the screened - in porch and watch it all happen . I could never bring myself to sit with him for more than one lightening flash . Well ! ! - - - - My first memory of being afraid was after my Aunt Laura babysat us and my cousins when we were little . Of course , there was an afternoon storm . She made us sit on the couch while she explained how much fun a storm is and how it 's just a Mother Nature thing that God set up to give the Earth a drink of water . This , coming from a woman who was flicking holy water all over her apartment and saying prayers ! Flick - - " Isn 't this fun ? " Prayer - - " See , nothing to worry about ! " I 'm not sure right now if she was convincing us or herself , but it didn 't matter because as soon as she wound down , my cousin , Tommy , bless his heart , piped up with " Yeah , but that lightening can come down , hit you on the head and kill you dead ! " I 'm pretty sure he got his fear from his dad , who at the very first sight of a grey cloud , locked himself in a bathroom and didn 't come out till the storm was long gone . At any rate , that was all I needed to hear . I no longer needed any other validation that , yes , I most certainly should be afraid of thunder and ligntening ! And I still am ! ! I hope this storm passes us by ! ! Since the Fayette Summer Bird ( and other small animals ) Feeder and Diner opened for business in late May , it has been pretty busy . I watch in the morning as the early birds arrive for their breakfast - - there are robins , finches , blue jays and other birds I don 't know the names of . The crows come , too , and stand under the diner to catch the left overs that fall to the ground by careless birds above . Early on , I watched one morning as about 7 or 8 adult blue jays on the diner ledge dropped food to the 4 or 5 baby jays under the diner . It was so fun to watch and I wish I had a movie of it . There have been arguments at the diner - - - I guess they haven 't figured out that there is plenty of food for all - - - some birds are really greedy and others have no problem sharing . But it usually ends well . But , alas and alack , there are also red and grey squirrels and chipmonks attending the diner and they are anything but sharing ! Red squirrels , especially , are arrogant enough to think that we maintain the food at the diner for their dining pleasure only . They do not scare off easily , altho I have seen on occasion an ultra hungry blue jay actually chase them away . We can go out and yell and scream and throw things at them and alto I 'm sure they consider us a nuisance , they simply thumb their noses at us and continue to eat . The one thing we can do that scares them off momentarily is spray them with the hose , but it 's hardly worth the aggravation since they are comfortably back and seated at the diner before we are back in the house . Despite all the drama , I can watch that diner for hours . It is a great source of entertainment for me . The grandchildren also love it and at times it becomes a babysitter so we can do other things . I think it 's a learning tool for them about nature and other creatures . We have lots of other forms of wildlife but that 's for another time . Skip , also known as George ( Clayton , 3rd ) was born on February 24th , 1949 - - you do the math . He is a little younger than I am and lot younger than our sister . Lindy and I , according to Mom , gave him the nickname " Skip " , but if there was a reason why , I don 't remember what it could have been . Skip and I have things in common . We have the same parents , same sister ; we each have a spouse , children and grandchildren . We both live in New York State . We look more like each other than we look like Lindy . ( We take after our Dad , Lindy after Mom ) . We 're both thin and have blue eyes . We are both always right ! And , of course , there are differences . There 's the obvious - - our plumbing . I really " look up " to him as he is really tall and I am short . I have hair , he doesn 't . He likes " Apple " , I don 't . When we were little and living on State Fair Blvd . in Baldwinsville , Skip was forever building with those little red bricks and lincoln logs . Dad was an architect so I guess for a while , Skip had an interest . When he wasn 't building houses and such , he was riding on his green tractor . I can still see him going all around the driveway and beyond . He didn 't become and arcitect - - - he became a school psychologist and a darn good one . He is retired now and golfing alot ! Also , while living there , Mom and Dad went on a trip and the 3 of us were to stay with a neighbor . Lindy cried so hard when they left that they came back and took her with them . So it was just me and Skip staying with the Spevacks ( not sure how to spell it now ) . He had Stevie to play with and I had Karen but we pretty much stuck together . We were both homesick but especially Skip - - he cried every day so we kind of bonded then . Then we moved to South Otselic to our grandparents home . One of my first memories of Skip there is that I had to take him to his kindergarten classroom on the first day of school . Not sure why it was me and not Lindy , except that his classroom and mine were in the same wing . I remember that when I left him he tried so hard not to cry , that I did cry all the way to my own classroom . Skip had lots of friends , including a wild raccoon he found somewhere - - actually , I think it just showed up in our yard . He fed it and tried to interact with it as much as he could and was furious when he found out it wasn 't a legal pet and he had to give it up . Skip , at that time , and I think even now , really likes animals . He and his friends , I remember , used to hike a lot - - - not sure why I remember that and have no story to go with it . But I can tell you about the time he was in the gorge , and came running home with a nest of bees after him ! Apparently , he upset a nest and they were ANGRY . He was really scared and I think got several stings . I don 't know if that was a hiking trip or not but I bet he remembers that , too ! When he was a little older he attended CBA ( Christian Brothers Academy ) . I 'm not really sure how long he went there , but I do know it wasn 't for a long time , maybe only a year . It was in Syracuse and he rode with Dad who worked in Syracuse . It made for a long day for him and his friends were all going to South Otselic Central . It was 40 miles one way so left him with little time for other things . On a sad note , Dad 's funeral was on Skip 's 12th birthday . Mom was horrified after the fact when she realized that and talked about it to me numerous times . At any rate , Skip became the " man of the house " at that time and he took it very seriously ! We had a shared driveway with our neighbor . Billie threw a lot of parties , and Skip decided to charge each car 25 cents to park . Mom was so embarrassed and wanted him to stop but Billie loved it , so it continued for I don 't know how long . She had lots of parties so I imagine he did all right in his first business venture ! He also took care of the yard , so when Lindy 's boyfriend , now husband , parked on the lawn to wash his car , Skip got pretty upset and made him move it . Lindy didn 't know how to take that , but Jon said he understood and thought Skip was right so it was no problem ! We had a wrap around porch in South Ot . so many nights Skip would sneak around on the roof to our bedroom and scare the bee - jesus out of Lindy and me . Or maybe he was just spying ! He would also sit on that roof and drop water balloons on trick - or - treaters on Halloween - - - until Mom realized what he was doing ! We used to swim up at the Blue Hole on many a hot summer 's day . It was a great place to go to cool off and have a lot of fun , as long as you watched for , and avoided , all the cow flops . Skip had been given Dad 's gold ring and lost it at the Blue Hole . We all searched for it for days but never found it . He felt as bad as a person could ever feel , but it was an accident and a lesson learned for all of us . Leave all valuables at home . Grama had 3 sons and always said that as much as she loved all of her grand - daughters , grandsons were special to her . She waited on him hand and foot most of the time and I know he will probably deny that - - - so ask Lindy . Anyway , I think that was maybe the one thing Mom and Gram sometimes argued about . ( I 'm sure there may have been others , but I never heard about them ) . If Mom told him to pick up his wet towels , Gram would do it saying something like " Now , Elizabeth , boys are boys . " There was a small bathroom fire at one time . Skip happened to be in there and , according to him , the toilet seat " just caught on fire for no reason " . He just could not understand it . I think it was one of two things , and , of course , I could be wrong . It was either hot sh - - or maybe he was smoking . Then . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . there was the car incident ! My bedroom faced the garage . One summer night I heard strange noises outside so I looked out the window to investigate . And , there big as life , was my brother and a couple of his friends ( they were all supposedly sleeping in the upstairs room of the garage ) quietly , or so they thought , pushing Mom 's car out of the garage and past the house . When they got a ways down the street , they got in , started it up , and drove off ! I really was petrified and didn 't know what to do , so instead of getting Mom up and telling her , which is what I should have done , I stayed glued to the window waiting for them to get back . I was literally terrified that they would get into an accident or be stopped by the police . Finally , they did get back safe and sound , much to my relief . I wish you could have seen their faces in the morning light when I asked them how their midnight ride went ! Sheer panic and surprise ! ! They begged me , and I promised , not to tell and I didn 't , until years later . It worked out well for me for a while - - I had Skip and Little Al at my beck and call . They did dishes for me ( I have pictures ! ) , went to the store for me , and did whatever I asked . I don 't know if they ever enjoyed another " middle of night " ride or not , but if they did , they had learned to be much more careful ! Skip played the trumpet in high school , and he played it very well . He even had a solo or two in the school music nights . I bet he can still play . He met Marge , his now wife , while in college . He was such a handsome , and young looking ! , groom for his beautiful bride . They have a son , Chris , who lives in BC , Canada . He is married to Carissa and they have a wonderful little girl , Aiyana . I know Skip and Marge would love to be closer in distance to them . And they have a daughter , Julie , who is married to Jean . He is in the Army and stationed in Korea right now . Julie lives in Baltimore . At their wedding bar - b - que last July we all got to meet Chris and his family for the first time - - - it was great to see them and I also wish we all lived closer to each other . Julie and Jean 's outside wedding was fun and it was nice for Lindy , Skip and me to all be together for such a good reason . Skip is lot like I remember Dad to be . Not only in looks , but he has Dad 's sense of humor . And , like Dad , he loves and gets a charge out of kids . They both love golf - - - Skip has been known to get a hole in one once or twice ! He is sensitive to a degree but also very stubborn and very opinionated on certain topics - - - I try to stay away from those ! He makes his own very excellent beer ! And , if he could , he would buy the house in South Otselic - - - he loves that old home , and so do I . But I wouldn 't want to live there again . I know he would . I love you , Skip , with my whole heart . You are my " baby brother " , and I could never ask for , or want , any other ! ! So , Happy Birthday - - have a great day ! Today is my sister 's birthday . Have I told you yet about my sister ? ( Do I sound like Aunt Rita , or what ? " My sister " ! ) No ? Well , let 's see - - - mmmm - - - what can I tell you ? For starters , she is absolutely the best sister in the world and I love her with my whole heart . I 've always looked up to her and she has always been there for me . We are as different as night and day . She is tall , dark hair and eyes . I am short , light hair and eyes . She is very domestic and crafty - - I 'm not . She loves to cook - - - not me ! She is organized - - I don 't even what that means ! She 's adventurous - - - I 'm so not . She 's southern - - I 'm northern . She 's older - - - I 'm younger ! ( Had to throw that in ! ) She 's very thoughtful and remembers birthdays and such - - I don 't . We also have things in common . We have the same parents , a brother , husbands , children , grandchildren . We used to share clothes - - - Mom would make them for her , and then " doctor them up " for me . People tell us we sound alike on the phone . We both like Dancing With the Stars and Survivor , and many other programs . Most of all , we love and respect each other . In Baldwinsville , one day while Mamie was babysitting , Lindy pushed me off the porch - - - I don 't remember why but I tend to think it was an accident , as she insisted at the time ! Anyway , I bit my tongue half off and can still show you the scar ! Lindy was so upset and afraid for me - - - there was a lot of blood . She and cousin Tommy had a " snake farm " . I think it was a converted chicken coop that they put a bunch of probably garden or garter snakes in and then charged everyone a nickel to go inside to see them . At times , you could see them changing their skins , and then it became a dime to go in ! But she always let me go in for free , probably because I fought her battles for her . If she got into an argument or anything , she would always threaten to " get my sister " and that would usually end it . Apparently , I was MEAN and struck fear into her friends . Also in Baldwinsville , we had cats and Lindy had to feel them in the basement . I recall one nite , she took me with her cause the power was out from a storm and she was afraid to go alone . We had a flashlight , of course , so there were shadows everywhere and she thought she saw something move and took off on a dead run , leaving me in the dust . Poor Lindy ran smack dab into a support beam and cut her head open - - - scared me silly . Still in Baldwinsville , but now on State Fair Blvd . ; at the road , on either side of the driveway , were pillars . She and I would sit on them and wave at cars passing by and just loved doing it . Imagine doing that today . It just wouldn 't happen . At one point , Mom and Dad were taking a trip and the 3 of us were to stay with neighbors . Well ! Lindy threw such a fit that they actually came back and got her and let her go with them . I was just devestated - - - she got to go and I didn 't . While visiting Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bill one day , we cousins devised a ( stupid ) game where one of us would lay in the sandbox and someone else would get on a step - ladder and jump over us ! It was all fun and games till poor Lindy jumped on my stomach and knocked the wind out of me . She thought she had killed me and ran away . Not far away ! About 5 feet into a cornfield where she stayed for about 5 minutes and them came out to see that I was fine . She hugged me and cried - - - we were all in trouble for playing such a dumb game . When we went shopping with Mom which , as kids , was far too often , Lindy would just up and talk to complete strangers , much to Mom 's embarrassment . If she saw something interesting , like the day we saw the lady with a child whose legs were in casts , she would just go and ask the person about it . In that case , she asked , she said , because our cousin , Tommy , also lived in leg casts for a long time . And then there was the woman with no nose - - - really , I kid you not - - - she had no nose . Lindy , of course , asked her all about it . No fear of strangers . We moved to South Otselic . Our beds in our shared bedroom faced the moose head hanging on the stairwell wall . It 's fake , glass eyes eerily glowed right at me and Lindy would tell me it would come and get me if I didn 't go right to sleep or do something she wanted me to do . I HATED that moose . A couple of times , she actually let me go with her on a date , always day - time dates , of course . I don 't know if she really wanted me to go ( I 'm pretty sure her dates didn 't ! ) or if Mom asked her to take me . In any case , altho I know I embarrassed her to death , I really enjoyed those dates ! ! Years later now . She is married and has two sons . Once she took Jimmy water skiing alone and wrecked the boat - - - hard to drive and spot all at the same time and she knew she shouldn 't do it . She ended up driving the boat right into the rocks . It really scared me when I heard about it - - - I kept thinking of what could have happened . She has also done the whatever it 's called , where you go into a tube like thing and float in space . No way would I ever do that but she will do almost anything at least once . I admire that . As I said , she is adventurous . I 'm not . Her older son is a pilot and from time to time he will fly her North for a visit . They arrive in this little tinker - toy plane that , people let me tell right now , I would NOT get into . Well , I couldn 't anyway , the darn thing is too small for 3 people ! ! Can you even imagine ? ? It 's so scary for me . But , thank goodness it isn 't for her cause it means I get to see her a little more often . He flew her up here just last weekend for Skip 's daughter 's " bar - b - que " wedding and it was wonderful being with her , Skip and other family members . It was great to see Chris and meet his wife and baby daughter . So , Michael , keep up your pilot 's license and fly her here more often ! You know , I could go on and on . I have a million memories of growing up with Lindy , and even more since we have become adults . Adults ? Adults ? ? When we are together , we revert to giggly little girls again , and laugh and laugh all the time - - - that 's half the fun . She is my best friend and I love her so much . Happy Birthday , Lindy ! ! I 'm pretty sure we are in for one heck of a rainstorm very soon . Earlier , I decided to take a shower so I could wash my hair . Takes me a while to get ready , but finally I got in . And looked down . There , as big as a 747 , was a black spider , heading right for my feet ! As most of you know , I HATE and FEAR spiders - - - ANY spider , no matter how big or how small . And here I was , enclosed in this tiny space ( anyone who has seen my shower knows how small it is ) cornered ! Of course , I didn 't have my air , so I began to have some breathing trouble - - - nothing too serious , but none - the - less ! After what seemed like hours , but was no doubt only seconds , I got out the door , screaming . Mike was at work so he was no help ! I ran , dripping wet , into the kitchen for a glass , praying that the darn thing would still be there so I wouldn 't have to worry about where he was . It WAS still there , and still crawling . It took about 4 glasses of hot water to get it down the drain , and about 20 more to be sure it would STAY down the drain . Then , I sat for a while to catch my breath , and got back in . The water in the shower ran for probably 20 minutes or so . . . . . . . . . I was in it for about 1 minute . Long enough to wash my hair and get out , all the time watching the drain . I go in every now and then , but I haven 't spotted it since , and , believe me , it was certainly big enough that if it was still around , I WOULD see it ! So , I 'm getting out the umbrella and rain coat , cause I have a hair appointment tomorrow and I 'm pretty sure I will need them . How was your day ? One of my first memories of Gramp is that I was afraid of him ! I really don 't know why , can 't put my finger on it , but I was afraid of him . Our family moved in with Gramp and Gram when I was nine and my fear of him completely disappeared - - - I learned that he was a kind and loving man and grandfather . Most of my memories of him are scattered . I remember him stoking the coal furnace ; keeping the coal stove filled ; chewing tobacco and spitting into the coal stove ( GROSS ! ) ; his pockets filled with hard candy ( he was diabetic ) ; his friend , Dr . Mott Crumb ; his feebleness ; amputated toes ; some of his expressions - - - " Close the door ! What ? Were you raised in a barn " or " cheese factory " or whatever came to his mind ; " Never did that in MY day " ; " Ethel , what in tarnation happened ? " ; " What were you thinking ! " Gramp owned or ran a cheese factory at one point . There was usually a block of cheese sitting on our counter , put there to " cure " . You couldn 't eat cheese until it was covered in mold and had aged . He did make good cheese and I know he was responsible for my love of very strong cheese . He also owned a knife company but I know very little about it , so I won 't go into it here . Lindy , Skip ? Can you guys elaborate on that ? The thing I remember most of Gramp is his wood - working . He was a master craftsman and could do anything with wood . He had a shop on the second floor of the garage ( or carriage house , as he called it and I guess that is what it was at one time - - - it was huge ! ) and I can still smell the wood shavings , see the floor covered in sawdust , and Gramp at the saw , or sander , or lathe , or any of his many tools of the trade . I love those memories . There was an intercom between the house and his shop and I always loved to be the one to use it to call him to dinner . ( We , as kids , used to play with that intercom a lot . It was a fun toy for us . ) Gramp made a lot of furniture , among many other things , in that shop . He made a dining table out of birch for all of his grand - daughters and cherry ones for his grand - sons . I will cherish mine forever . I had lamps he had made but I used them so often both ended up on fire , at different times , and had to be tossed . I also have the napkin holder I think we all have , a bookcase , and bedside tables . He made an entire dining room for my aunt because she asked for it for payment . She had helped my Grandmother take care of things when my Dad was in high school - - she had broken her wrist - - and it was beautiful . I could say a little more about that , but not here . His wood working skills were second to none and still would be today if he were here to continue it . He had a roll top desk in the " office " . I loved that desk - - - Skip has it now so it is still in the family , thank goodness . It is huge ! We used to hide in it when playing hide and seek . It is filled with cubby holes and drawers and fun things . Did he make it ? I don 't know - - - did he , Skip ? I remember one meal where Gramp had fresh , homemade horseradish and encouraged us to eat it . I didn 't ; Lindy did . Remember that ? I don 't think he realized the effect it would have , or at least , I hope he didn 't . If he did , it was a mean thing to do and I don 't remember him as mean . As I said before , Gramp had sugar diabetes and always had candy filled pockets , which he was willing to share . He had toes amputated but handled it all well . Later in life , he bacame quite feeble and used a walker to get around . However , at one point , he had a stroke , or some kind of episode , and became pretty spry . He also became very senile and thought he was living in a hotel . Gram was the maid and Mom was the cook , both of whom he had " problems " with . He tried to call the better business people in Washington to complain , but , of course , he never did get through . The rest of us were also guests in the hotel . ( A side note here - - - this whole thing was very hard on Grama and took it 's toll on her . She was so sad and upset . ) He did and said some pretty outlandish things during this time ; so very much unlike him . Anyway , these things are also for another post . Gramp was a good man . He had a good sense of humor - - - I can still see that half - grin he displayed when he was kidding with us . Oh , he could yell when he felt it was necessary . But he was always there for all of us . He loved his family first and foremost , and we loved him . Rest in peace , Gramp ! As I sit here looking outside at all of the gorgeous Fall colors , I am actually feeling the chill , smelling , and hearing the crunch of those long - ago maple tree leaves in South Otselic . Our sidewalk - driveway was lined with those big , beautiful trees and every Fall it was our ( LIndy , Skip , Me ) job to rake all those fallen leaves up and drag them to the creek in big tarps . ( Can you even imagine tossing all of those leaves into a creek today ? ? Man , what problems THAT would cause ! ) Of course , before we got rid of them , we would make cool forts , elegant homes , and enormous " jump into " piles of leaves . Sometimes , not often , we even burned a few out behind the garage , with parental contro , of course , and tried to roast marshmallows . I also remember choosing the most beautifully colored leaves to preserve in sheets of wax paper - - remember how we would iron them and then save them ? They wouldn 't last too long but it was a good Fall project and we enjoyed doing it . Once in a while , Mom , Dad , and / or Grama ( before she broke her hip ) would come out and help , or play , with us . We always had to look for worms or little critters in all those raked up leaves . Occasionally , we would actually find a little , tiny grass or garter snake but you would have sworn it was a rattler or cobra , with all the screaming and running away ! Mostly me , and I STILL scream and run when I see a snake . After we finished playing and getting rid of leaves for the day , we would go inside , get out of our smelly , dirty sweatshirts and enjoy a cup of cocoa with marshmallow creme that Mom would have ready for us . Yup , Fall , with of the colors and memories was great time of year for us . I loved those trees and miss not having them here . My own kids missed out on a lot of fun making memories , and altho I 'm sure they have their memories , they just can 't be as great as mine . I do miss those days . But , of course , Fall days here are very beautiful , as well , with the mountains of trees of all kinds and colors . I can 't even find the right words to describe their beautPosted at 02 : 28 PM | Permalink My Dad was born on August 6 , 1915 , the youngest of 3 boys ( Mom was born on August 26 , 1915 , the oldest of 3 girls - - - just a " fun " fact ! ) . He went to school in Manilus and Cornell and became an architect - - a darn good one . As luck would have it , my children went to a school that he designed , while working for a company in Syracuse . Small world . I have many memories of Dad , some my own , some other people 's . He had a really wonderful singing voice , reminiscent of Frank Sinatra , and I have the recordings to prove it . He sang a song to me " Nancy Lee " and one to my sister , " Lindy Sue " - - we both cherish those songs . I don 't listen to them often but every once in a blue moon I do , and I am blown away by his voice , evey time . An aside : a few weeks after he died , a cousin brought these records to our house ( we didn 't even know she had them ) and played one very loudly . I can 't tell you how upsetting this was to us all , but especially to my grandmother . I can still hear her scream . My cousin thought we would be pleased to hear my Dad 's voice again , but she just didn 't think it through . It was too soon and too unexpected . As mentioned , Dad had 2 older brothers . His oldest one , Audley , developed polio as a young husband and father of 3 and lived the rest of his life in an iron lung - - - - - many , many years . It was how my parents met - - - Mom was Uncle Audley 's private nurse - - another story for another time . Anyway , my uncle 's family had had a beagle named Susie who had literally saved his life more than once . She would bark to wake up my aunt when the power would go out at nite so she could turn on the generator to keep the iron lung going . When Susie got old and sick and was in much pain , my uncle turned to my Dad to put her out of her misery , as he just couldn 't stand to see her suffering . This was before there were any vets nearby . Dad did not want to do it , but he loved his brother and did eventually agree . When he got home that evening , he was visibly upset - - - he loved that dog , too . My uncle died by drowning in his own fluids . It was a very sad time for the entire family . Dad had a good sense of humor . He rigged up a hammer to a string once and attached the hammer end to the outside doorknob of the family room . He threaded the other end thru a window in the living room and would pull it every now and then . We , of course , were terrified and ran to him to tell him someone was banging on the door . As any good father would , he " checked out " the situation and came back to tell us all was clear - - who or whatever it was had run off . Relieved , we returned to watch TV and yup - - it began again . Took us a while to figure that one out . In our living room was an alcove - like indent in the wall . One time , a couple of high school guys , who had a crush on Lindy , were peeking through the windows hoping , I guess , to get a glimse of her . Dad , who had been in the garage , saw them , snuck up on them , tapped them on the shoulders and asked " Got a match ? " Apparently those two boys broke all the running records in South Otselic - - - there was a rumor that they also broke the sound barrier , screaming like little girls . I don 't really remember a lot before we moved to South Otselic , but one vivid memory I do have is when we lived on State Fair Blvd . in Baldwinsville . Every Friday nite , Dad would bring home shrimp , haddack , FF 's , coleslaw and sardines and we would all sit around the TV and watch the Friday Nite Fights ! I loved the sardines , until I discovered what they really were - - - haven 't touched one since . Anyway , I remember those Friday nites with love and affection - - - they were such a part of Dad . Back in So . Ot . Dad loved to sit on the screened in porch and listen the thunder storms . He loved the sound of the rain hitting the roof - - it was a favorite thing of his and one I never shared with him as I was ( and still am ) afraid of lightening . Sometimes , when it 's stormy , I can just picture him on that porch . Dad worked for an architect firm on Erie Blvd . in Syracuse . Mom stopped in there one day to see him and left Grama in the car - - - she didn 't want to go in . The car was on a slight incline and began to roll back . A co - worker saw it and ran out to stop the car - - - Gram wasn 't even upset . She thought it was funny that the trees were moving but figured her eyes were playing tricks on her . Needless to say , Dad never lived that one down at work . ( Nor did Mom ! ) The summer I was 13 , I think , our family and the Lally 's ( aunt , uncle , and cousins ) loaded up our brand new travel trailers and headed to Florida for a fun summer vacation ! It was quite an experience . I can now imagine how horrible it must have been for Mom and Dad , never having driven and pulled a thing like that behind them . But , as kids , we enjoyed it - - - mostly . At one park , all of us kids were swimming and saw what turned out to be dolphins but we , of course , being so worldly and sophisticated , started screaming " SHARKS ! " on the top of our lungs , while running out of the water . The swimming area cleared in about a second . We really did think they were sharks , but the park people had no sympathy for us and asked that we stay away from the beach ! Can you even imagine being so mean ? ? Like , we were the ONLY kids who EVER mistook a dolphin for a shark . At any rate , we went to a different park and while there , we took a day trip to sight - see . Upon returning , we saw that our trailer door was open and a lot of our stuff was out on the sand . Mom , bless her , thought it was so nice that they " go in clean " while you are out for the afternoon , when what really happened was , there was a short in the stove and it caught on fire . The park people broke in and put it out , saving the trailer from complete ruin . There are more stories of this trip , but let me just say that even with the mishaps , this was a good and fun trip for us - - our last as a family of 5 . We usually went to Canada to fish - - - Dad loved to fish and so did Mom . The three of us , not so much . Our trip there , Dad would look for a house with lots of cars and people outside - - - a party of some sort - - and say he was going to stop in for lunch . He would tell us we would just have to act natural , find the buffet , eat and then go back to the car . We kids thought it was funny but there a method to his madness . It kept us busy looking for " that " house and time passed quicker for us . When Dad decided to trade cars , about every two years , he just did it and then drove the new one home . Mom would think we had company and tell us to hurry and pick everything up before they got to the door ! Dad always got a charge out of that . Mom didn 't ! Dad died on February 21st , 1961 . He was 45 years young . He died way too soon and I miss him . I 'm so sorry my children never knew him . He would have loved them and they would have adored him . I only had him for 15 years and feel cheated , but they were good years and I do have many memories of him . We all have our memories of Dad and I would love to hear yours , Lindy and Skip . I imagine they are very different from mine ( some even of the same event ) . I could probably talk about him all day , but this is enough for now .

Introduction : A coming - of - age story . NO UNDERAGE SEX ! The heat waves shimmered in the distance , inexorably rising off the sand in an unmerciful display of mother nature 's authority . ________ was nowhere to be found . Off to the left , _________ could be heard , the ___________ signaling the __________ of another ________ . That was what we were given as the " Challenge " for CAW # 12 on out Sex Stories forum . I started this story immediately , but then hit on another idea to use for my actual entry . This is my " non - entry " story - a coming - of - age tale about two nice kids . " The heat waves shimmered in the distance , inexorably rising off the sand in an unmerciful display of mother nature 's authority . Good cover was nowhere to be found . Off to the left , enemy snipers could be heard , the gunfire signaling the start of another day in Hell . " Joey wrote me that letter after his unit fought its way back to base camp . He wrote as often as he could . Sometimes , I 'd find a stack of his letters in the mailbox when I got home from work , and then , I wouldn 't hear from him for while . Whenever his family got any news , they would call me or visit to share the letter . I did the same for them . I always let my folks and Joey 's read what we wrote , including the parts where Joey and I talked about getting married when he got home . Joey and I always liked each other . We were too young to think of each other as boyfriend and girlfriend at first . His family moved into a new house down the block the summer after third grade . I was a tomboy . I loved to ride my bike to the schoolyard to play on the swings , seesaws , and sliding board with the neighborhood boys . Sometimes , we 'd play cowboys and Indians on the vacant lots in our development . Nobody thought anything of it a - me , a girl , playing with a bunch of boys . We were kids . I didn 't care about the differences between a boy 's body and mine . I knew they could stand up to pee , and I knew why . Big deal . That 's the way it was . The boys knew I was different from them between the legs . They knew that made me a girl , but otherwise , I was one of them . He was different , maybe a little quieter than the others , more serious , more grown up . He was horrified the first time one of the boys took a leak where I could see him . " Don 't look , Sue ! Harold , what do you think you 're doing ? There 's a GIRL here ! " Fat Dennis stood up . He always bullied new kids at first . He towered over everyone , even Joey , and Joey was big , in a strong - looking way . " Joey , you moved in two days ago , didn 't you ? " " That means you don 't get to tell us what to do . If I need to pee when I 'm out here with Sue , I 'll just walk to the nearest tree or wall or something and do it . We all do . So does she . She has to sit down or squat to pee , though . " Dennis was pretty worked up by that point , so everyone knew he was going to lunge at Joey . Poor Fat Dennis . Joey side - stepped , ducked Dennis ' punch , and flipped him over so he landed on his back . It knocked the wind out of him for a couple seconds . " Stopped the argument . I want to be your friend , Dennis . I know you 're the leader here , so I 'm telling you - no peeing in front of her , and if she needs to go , we walk away . " " You just don 't . Nobody pees in front of their mother . Heck , that stops when you 're old enough to aim it . I mean , it 's your mother ! " " Exactly . We don 't do it in front of our mothers and sisters because it 's wrong . You know why ? They 're girls . " They shook hands , and with the new rule in place , Dennis suggested a game of tackle - tag . It was his favorite game . To tag someone , you had to knock them down . Tripping or shoving often were enough , but we usually went home scuffed and dirty . Dennis approached the game with brute force , and the rest of us responded with agility and speed , so we were pretty fairly matched . When it was my turn to be " It , " Joey was closest to me . He ran , dodging me , until I grabbed his arm and threw myself at him . He landed on his belly with me on his back . " Yup . You 're " It . " I scampered away from him . A few turns later , he was " It " again and came after me . He caught my one leg as I was climbing a tree and pulled me down . I landed on top of him , breaking my fall . He laughed and picked me up by my waist to hold over him like a trophy . " Tag . No tag - backs . You 're ' It . ' " He pulled me against himself and rolled us over , pinning me under his body . He rose up on his arms and looked into my eyes . " Now you 're tagged . " He stayed there for a moment on top of me , smiling . Then he stood up , helped me to my feet , and ran away . Joey fit in well enough , but sometimes he 'd wander off . I was curious about those times , so I watched him , to see where he went . I followed him after a while and found him sitting on a big rock in the shade , staring down the hillside at the surveyors figuring out where new streets would go . " Penny for your thoughts , Joey . " Joey and I became friends . We spent the whole afternoon sitting in the shade on that rock , swapping stories and getting to know each other . The entire gang of us " Daisy Drive Devils " , as our parents called us , were friends . We played together almost every day . The day after Joey and I talked , the Devils played as a group , and we were together every day until we woke up one morning to a steady , soaking rain . No one ever called each other on rainy days , since none of us was allowed outside because we would catch our death . None of our mothers understood that we would get wet walking to the bus stop that fall , too . We sat alone in our living rooms and watched Looney Tunes , The Three Stooges , and game shows on television . My parents had an older " console " model , a blond oak cabinet beast . It had four big wood and cloth doors on the front . One revealed a round black - and - white picture tube , a big one , as big as the plate Mommy put the turkey on at Thanksgiving . The really neat thing was the record changer behind the second door . It played 33 - 1 / 3 's and 78 's and could take as many as six records at a time . There was even a removable fat spindle for a stack of 45 's . The base of the record player had an AM radio tuner . The door below that didn 't open , but it hid a speaker as big as the picture tube , and under the TV was a storage cabinet for albums . It was top of the line , but after Joey moved in , I didn 't spend much time in the living room , except when " Lassie " was on , Sunday nights . I was helping Mommy with the breakfast dishes , watching the rain through the kitchen window , when the big black telephone on the table next to the refrigerator started to ring . Since I was drying , Mommy told me to answer . " Hello , Brown residence . " That first day at Joey 's house was an eye - opener . I had never been in a boy 's room , but I thought all they did was play with toy trucks and soldiers and Lincoln Logs . Joey did stuff the other boys didn 't do . He played the piano . He read books . He drew pictures . He was probably the toughest and strongest kid on the block , even though I did beat him arm wrestling once , but he had another side . Joey showed me different things in life . He was a collector . He had baseball cards , coins , stamps , and models . I had my card collection and some dolls I took very good care of , since they were going to belong to my little boy and girl some day . I knew the value of things . Joey had some really neat stuff , and he liked things the other kids didn 't . Every time it rained , I went to Joey 's house or he came to mine . Our parents had gotten to like each other , so our getting together was encouraged . We were close friends . We shared secrets , fears , and dreams . We were never bored or lonely like the other kids seemed to be when the Devils couldn 't play outside . In seventh grade , Mom and Dad let me go to the Friday night dances with the rest of the kids . I always went with my girlfriends , and Joey went with the boys , old Daisy Drive Devils or teammates from the sports he played . At that age , boys stood on one side of the gym and girls stood on the other , both groups talking about members of the other group . Joey knew my preferences in music . He liked some of the more modern , edgy stuff , but I still loved the crooners . I saw him break away from his gang and go talk to the school principal , who was serving as DJ . I thought he probably requested a Beach Boys song , since he and his buddies liked that stuff , but instead , the principal got on the mike . " I have a song request . Here 's your chance , gentlemen . Ask a lady to dance . " Andy Williams sang . Joey was the first boy I ever slow - danced with . I still remember all the lyrics to " Moon River . " Feeling his hand holding mine as we moved , I knew I wasn 't a child any more , and that things between us would change . Monday in school , it was obvious they had , at least in the eyes of our classmates . Girls I didn 't even know told me they thought I had a cute boyfriend . Joey told me that all his buddies referred to me as his girlfriend . All that from one dance . We talked about it the rest of the school year . Our friends were right . We belonged together . Joey and I started going steady in eighth grade . The locket he gave me for my fifteenth birthday is in its original box in my nightstand . He bought it with money he earned doing jobs around the neighborhood . It 's still one of my most prized possessions . He turned sixteen before I did , so he drove us to the mall so I could pick out the dress he would buy me to take me out to dinner that night . When he kissed me goodnight on my front porch after our date , he gave me one last gift - a picture of him to put in the locket I wore whenever I dressed up for him . It 's still in there . All through high school , Joey and I were inseparable . I became a cheerleader , co - captain of the squad senior year , mainly so I could be near him . Our parents were thrilled . My folks loved Joey , and the Ramsey 's treated me like their daughter . They trusted us , knew that we had taken a vow in our church youth group to remain pure until marriage . On my eighteenth birthday he gave me a " sweetheart ring . " We were in love , the kind of love that lasts , one built on friendship rather than hormones . Don 't get me wrong about hormones . Joey grew from a cute boy the girls whispered about in seventh grade into one they drooled over in high school . Guys looked at me all the time , too , but everyone knew we were off - limits . I was his girl , and he was my man . Everyone understood . It was how the world was meant to be . As seniors in high school , we knew we had the grades credits to get into college . I didn 't need to go , since I was going to be a wife , homemaker , and mother . Joey and I had talked about it for years . He was going to follow in his father 's footsteps by serving his country . When he was done , we would get married and he would continue his education . Prom night was the night that a lot of couples had sex for the first time . Joey and I were king and queen of the prom . More than one of his buddies made comments about what we would be doing later that night , since we weren 't going to the post - prom party . One of my girlfriends teased me in the rest - room at the prom , too . " I know , but it 's Joey . He 's like , your world , isn 't he ? You 're going to marry him , aren 't you ? And he 's so gorgeous . " She was right . It was Joey , my gorgeous man , the man who made me feel like a beautiful , well - loved woman . Yes , other couples were going to be having sex that night , couples who would never get married , who didn 't love each other like my boyfriend and I did . They didn 't understand that real love doesn 't need sex . That two people can feel like they have one soul without being physically intimate . I thought about my parents and grandparents . Surely they didn 't have sex anymore , but they still were deeply in love . That 's how Joey and I were . Being in love was natural , like getting out of bed in the morning and brushing my teeth . Marriage and family were a given . We knew what some of our friends did . We knew we should wait . Sex was for newlyweds , something we would be when he got out of the Army . He left for boot camp three days after graduation . His letters during basic training were so full of love , I thought he might surprise me and ask me to marry him when he got home . I would have . The minister 's study would be good enough for me . We were more in love than ever , having been apart , and we knew it , but Joey avoided any discussion about long - term plans . We lived in the moment . " Baby , " Joey said , " Do you think you should wait for me ? You know there 's a chance I 'll never come home . I could die over there . Maybe we should break up so you can get started on finding another guy . " " I feel the same way , " he said , wiping my tears with his neatly folded pocket handkerchief . " I can 't imagine feeling like this with anyone else . I thought about asking you to marry me before I ship out , but I decided that 's not fair . You 're young and beautiful . You 're going to be here , and Lord knows where I 'll be . Please , Sue , just write back to me when I can write to you . " I wanted to give him my virginity that night . He deserved it . He was the only man I would ever sleep with , and he wasn 't trying anything ! " Joey , do you want to make love ? " " Please don 't ask me that . I do , but I won 't . We 've waited this long , honey . If I come back , we 'll see if we still love each other . " " You 're scaring me . I can 't lose you . " We spent the night on the couch , kissing , cuddling , and finally sleeping in each others ' arms , dressed except for our shoes . I got a job at the diner . I didn 't have any job skills , but I worked hard . I didn 't need anything more . My job would keep me occupied and earn some money , a nest egg for when Joey and I got married . I wasn 't the bra - burning type . I would be happy with a couple of babies and a nice kitchen . I didn 't want a career other than wife and mother . Maybe , when the kids were grown , I would take some classes , but hopefully , being a grandmother would take up a lot of my time . Joey had been gone for over two months . From the dates on his letters , it seemed like he wrote to me and his parents almost every night , but mail service from the jungle was sporadic . Often , we went for a week or more without any news . The letter about him being being pinned down by snipers was in the last bundle I had received , over two weeks earlier . As always , I was sick with worry , but I knew things would be okay . They always were . Mom rushed into the room , and saw Dad reading a telegram . Joey 's parents were holding each other . " Oh my God ! " Mom wailed , and threw herself at Marge on the couch . Dad finished reading . His hands were shaking . " He 's M . I . A . ? Missing in Action ? Joe , Marge , that could be good . That just means he 's separated from his unit , or he and some other guys are holed up somewhere with a busted radio , doesn 't it ? " Marge and Mom started wailing in unison . I did nothing . I probably had the same expression on my face Dad did , since I was so much like him - stunned silence , no tears , no anguish - nothing . Numbness . " Stop it ! " Marge screamed . " Just stop it ! This is my baby we 're talking about ! Mine ! I carried him inside my body for nine months , pushed him out of me , and then fed him from my breasts ! Mine ! You 're supposed to be making this easier for me ! Dammit ! You 're not helping ! " I 'm strong , or maybe I 'm slow , but it finally sank in . I might never see my Joey again . I was alone . Mom was awash in tears with Marge and Joe . I looked at Dad . I never saw such a look of pained love from him before . He helped me to the loveseat and held me while I cried . For the first time in my life , I saw him cry too . Joey 's parents went home when Marge ran out of tears . Joe helped her to her feet , kissed my mom on the cheek , shook Dad 's hand , and then hugged me . " I 'll call you or stop by every day , whether I hear anything or not . I know Joey wants me to do that . " When the front door closed , Mom said , " I need to go to bed . " Dad followed her up to their room and closed the door . I sat on the loveseat blowing my nose , wondering whether I would ever feel Joey 's arms around me again . When I went upstairs , I was exhausted from crying , but I couldn 't sleep . I paced , looked at photo albums , read his poems , and stared at his self - portrait he had painted for me . I cried for two days , trying to decide whether I could ever be happy again . On the third day , my boss called from the diner . " Sue , I 'm trying to write next week 's schedule . Will you be able to come in ? " I was early for work the next morning , and I stayed for another shift because one of the evening counter girls called out sick . I worked as many hours as I could to keep from brooding at home , earning a lot in tips from people who knew Joey . After a year of burns from spilling hot soup and coming home smelling like fried onions , I knew I had to do something else . I went to the local campus of the state university to become a teacher . Maybe helping children discover themselves would help me wait . College was hard . I hadn 't used my brain for much lately except figuring out checks as a waitress . I spent a lot of time on my schoolwork . That 's always the way I was with school , especially after I met Joey . He was an all A student in elementary school , something only a few girls could do . I really didn 't think of myself as a " girl " back then . I was one of the guys , and my grades showed it . Joey was the most masculine boy my age , and he got better grades than me . He inspired me . He taught me to love to learn . We were competitive all through school . We loved studying together and partnered for projects whenever the teachers let us . We teased each other about our grades , the one with the fewest red marks on their paper lording it over the other . He never let me forget that he had the better grade point average at graduation , by a lousy thousandth of a point . Now , I had no one I cared about to compare myself to . Anguish , anger , and fear of being alone forever were my life . Love was something other people had . I had baseball cards , a stack of letters , some jewelry , and an oil painting . A woman at church helped me to cope . As bad as things were for me , she seemed to have it worse . Her husband left her pregnant when he was killed by a drunk driver . It was unfair . It made no sense . Her tragedy was more final than mine and left her a single mother . The woman was smart and strong . She managed to focus on the good memories she had of her man and tried to move on , and taught me to do the same . Nothing I could do would bring Joey home to me , alive or dead . I had to live for myself . Classmates asked me out . There were some really cute guys , a few that could have been fun to date . But I didn 't . I had lunch with them at the snack bar , or met with them in the library to study , but they were friends . I made them understand that . I already had a man . If that meant I went to my grave a virgin , so be it . I was in my senior year in college , starting my student teaching . Lesson plans were finished for the week . I was taking it easy , watching a new episode of " Sanford and Son " with Mom and Dad . The front door burst open . " He 's alive ! Joey 's alive ! " Joe yelled , running into the living room . Marge was right behind him , crying and laughing like she had escaped from an asylum . " He 's being evaluated , whatever that means . He 's in a hospital in the Philippines , but they 're bringing him stateside soon . We don 't know much about how he is , except that he 's alive , " Joe said . " That 's enough for me , " Dad laughed . " I was saving this for a special occasion . This sounds like it . " He went to his liquor cabinet and brought back a fifth of expensive Scotch . When the bottle was empty , Mom and I made up the sofa - bed in the family room for Joe and Marge . Dad was in no shape to help , and Mom wasn 't much better . I lay awake for hours after everyone else was snoring . My Joey was coming home . What had happened to him in the years he was away ? Did he still love me ? The five of us flew to California to meet the ship that brought him home . We didn 't get to see him at the dock . He was whisked into an ambulance that we tried to follow in our rental car . At the hospital , his doctor took us to his office . Joey had been shot and captured . His injuries weren 't life - threatening , and they stopped the bleeding at a Viet Cong field hospital . He was taken to a prison camp for debriefing . " We 're all adults here , and I believe in telling the truth , so I 'll be blunt , " the army doc said . " To the Viet Cong running that camp , ' debriefing ' meant torture if they thought a prisoner knew something useful , followed by long periods of confinement . Joey was a rank - and - file infantryman , so he wasn 't very useful to them , but they kept him alive as a bargaining chip . " American soldiers tried to take the camp , and there was a fire - fight . Our guys were prepared , and the Cong ran out of ammo . They apparently tried to beat their captives to death when they knew the camp was going to be taken . Private Ramsey sustained a severe skull fracture . When he was liberated from the camp , he was in a coma , nearly dead of starvation and exposure . He 's much better now . Recovering nicely . With hard work , he should make further improvements . We 're keeping him sedated , but you may see him for a minute each . " I was allowed to go first . A nurse led me to a window that looked into his room . I could hardly recognize him through the bandages on his head . Tubes , wire , bottles , and bags were everywhere . He had a cast on one leg , where surgeons had repaired the badly - healed fractures from his initial wound . His other leg had scars from long - healed sores . Skinny arms extended from his hospital gown , tubes in both of them between old cigarette burns . Always so big and strong , my darling looked like he was half his old size . He had a tube down his nose , and he was out cold . We walked into his room . " Talk to him , honey , " the nurse said . " He 's in deep sedation , but some patients say they remember things when they wake up . " " Joey ? You 're home now . Well , not home . You 're in a hospital in California . We came to visit , me , my folks and your parents . " We stayed for a week , visiting him for a minute apiece each morning , afternoon , and evening . The day before our flight home , the doctor met us in the waiting room outside Intensive Care . " I have good news . Private Ramsey is showing excellent improvement . He 's doing well enough that we 've lowered his medication . He 's in a " twilight " sleep right now . He hasn 't opened his eyes or spoken , but I believe that 's coming . We 'll be able to make arrangements to transfer him to a Veterans Administration hospital near your home soon . " That day , it was Marge 's turn to go in first . She spent her full minute in his room holding his hand and crying . When Joe went in , he sat close to his son 's head , telling him he would be home soon . Then it was my turn . " Joey , it 's me , Sue . I 'll be able to be with you a lot more soon , when you 're in a hospital near home . I 've missed you so much , Joey . " I laid my hand on his outstretched one and held it , like I had every time we visited . By the time he was transferred to the local VA hospital two weeks later , Joey was awake a lot of the time . He didn 't talk much , and when he did , he seemed confused . The staff said his rehabilitation would take a long time . Because of his head injuries and the deplorable conditions in which he had been imprisoned for so long , we should be prepared for only a partial recovery . The first day I went to see him , he was propped up in bed , asleep , but facing the TV . I pulled up a chair and sat next to his head . " Joey , can you wake up ? " Every day after I was done with student teaching , I went to the hospital to be with him . Every day , he was better , until one night about a week before before my birthday . He was agitated that evening . " You don 't understand . I can 't go get you a present because I can 't walk . I haven 't walked in years . That cage they kept me in was too small to let me stand up , even if my leg had healed right . I went to physical therapy today . My legs are so weak I can 't stand on my own . How can I ever get a job and go to a store to buy things for you if I 'm like that ? " " You 're a patient . You were shot . They tortured you and kept you in a tiny bamboo cage for years . You were near death from starvation . The bastards fractured your skull . It 's going to take time for you to recover . " " You shouldn 't have waited for me . I don 't know why you 're here . Why aren 't you married and having babies ? " " Don 't you get it ? I have to pee ! I need someone to help me onto the toilet . I can 't let you do that , " Joey protested . " Now please , go find a man to help me . " I came back into the room with a burly orderly , but Joey was adamant that I wait in the hallway while they took care of things . " I can 't hold onto him and the railing and still keep my gown closed . Please , Sue , respect my privacy . " " I didn 't fall in love with a man . I fell in love with a boy who once let me beat him arm - wrestling . I fell in love with the boy who danced with me to " Moon River . " I fell in love with the guy who gave me this , " I said , pulling my precious locket out from where it was hidden by my sweater . " I 'm in love with a man now . You , Joey . " " Yes you are . Whatever you can or can 't do , I love you . " I leaned down and kissed him . Joey kissed me back pretty hard , the way he did a couple of times the night before he left for the war . " They said if I could do something , I could go home , so I 've been practicing a lot . " He stood up and hobbled over to where I was sitting . Trying to mask the pain on his face , he got down on his bad knee . His father handed him something . " Sue , I should have done this five years ago when it was easier . Will you marry me ? " There was a diamond ring in the little box in his hand . " Oh my God ! " I burst into happy tears , and leaned forward to kiss him , being careful not to knock him over . " Yes , Joey , my God yes , I 'll marry you ! " It was supposed to be a small ceremony . At least , that was what we wanted . Our families had different ideas . Joey 's platoon leader , who had been in the prison camp with him , was the best man . Mike recovered from his injuries faster than Joey . He came to visit when he could , driving three hundred miles one way , helping Joey keep his spirits up . The young widow from church who supported me through those lonely years when Joey was away was matron of honor , and her little boy was the ring bearer . Both our moms cried their way through the whole thing . At the reception , Joey danced with me when the band played " Moon River , " but he sat most of the time . When it got late , his father gave him the keys to a new car for us to drive to the hotel where we would be spending the night . After the garter was retrieved and the bouquet tossed , we left . " Wait , let me do that , " Joey said . He pulled my bra off me , and knelt on the bed next to me , looking at my breasts . " You 're perfect . " His hand touched my bare flesh for the first time . " Perfect , " he repeated as my nipple hardened . I pulled him down on top of me , feeling his chest hair against my breasts and his manhood against my panty - covered mound . We kissed , tongues intertwined , until we were fighting for air . " Roll over , " I said . I wanted a good look what was going to make me his wife physically . He raised his hips when I grabbed the waistband of his briefs . Joey and I had made a pact that we would only go so far before we were married , so I had never seen his penis . I thought I had an idea of its size and shape from feeling it against me , hard through clothing when we made out , but seeing it bared , ready , and anxious inches from me was different . I was almost as scared of it as I was thrilled by it . " We learned all about this there . I think we can figure it out , " my new husband said , his hand pushing into my panties . It didn 't take long for him to have them off , and to give me my first orgasm by someone other than me . He did it again , kissing my breasts , teasing my nipples with his tongue . " Do it , honey . I 'm your wife now . " I tried to calm myself to relax my body , while bracing for the pain . Every woman I talked to said it hurt , including my mother and my mother - in - law . They said it got better over time . I prayed they were right . Joey and I discovered something about me that very first time . He could drive me crazy with his penis . He didn 't enter me for a while . He stroked me with it , played with me , up and down over my wet cleft , massaging my clitoris with the hard , wet , spongy end of it , and bringing me to still another orgasm . When I calmed down , I saw the happiness on his face . " I 'm going to do it now . I 'll try not to hurt you more than I have to , baby . " His dick pried my lips apart just enough that they gripped it . I had never felt anything like this . Nothing so big . I was torn between my fear and my lust about it being where nothing had gone before . " I didn 't know it would feel like this , " he sighed . He shifted his weight , trying to keep from pinning me under him . That made him move inside me , change his angle , something . It felt good . " I love you , Sue . I have since the day we sat on that rock and talked . I 've always loved you , all through school , every moment I was conscious in Nam - it was what kept me sane . Now I 'm home with you forever . Now I love you more . " He moved again to kiss me , and sank through . As soon as he felt me give way , he stopped , holding himself from going deeper , waiting for me to kiss him back . He gave me time , until I nodded , kissed him , and said , " More . " He was gentle , loving , caring , the way I needed him to be . Instinct , passion , and love guided us , but it hurt a little . I was very sensitive and tender . It felt wonderful , an odd mix of pleasure with pain . Our love was complete when he finally shot his essence inside me . He managed to keep his eyes open , the same as I did when I reached my first climax with him inside me a moment later . With everything we experienced , we loved more . We wanted kids , prayed for them , but not yet . I went on the pill when we got engaged , and was quite satisfied with it . My breasts filled out a sweater better , and I had just a little wiggle when I walked , something I practiced when my parents weren 't home to drive Joey crazy on our honeymoon . We cuddled after making love for the first time . " What if the pill doesn 't work ? " I asked . Losing my virginity hadn 't hurt as much as I thought it might , although I didn 't care , since it was Joey . We made love again that night before we fell asleep , and in the morning before we got ready for breakfast . When we went to bed that evening I was still sore from stretching to accommodate him , as amazing as it had felt . " You didn 't . Well , yeah , the first time it hurt a little , but it was you , Joey , my husband . We made love a lot , and I enjoyed every minute of it , but I think she needs a break , " I said , gesturing toward my crotch . " I 'm not trying to be funny . Guys in the Army talked about it . I 'd like to try it . " He kissed me again , and then leaned down and kissed my breasts . " I hope I do this okay . " His fingers teased my curls as he licked and sucked on my nipples . We learned the night before how much I enjoyed that , but he kept moving lower until he kissed my belly - button . Then lower . I knew people did this , touched their partner 's intimate places with their mouths , but I hadn 't thought about it much . My promise to God and Joey as a teenager , followed by those years of forced abstinence , meant that I was poorly prepared for this sex stuff . I let my body figure out what to do with conventional missionary intercourse , and I liked it . A lot . Now , my husband was between my legs , kissing the tops of my thighs . That first jolt of sensation , his warm , wet tongue on my tender lips , was like nothing I imagined . My legs spread on their own , and my hands went down to caress his scalp , avoiding the ugly scars where hair would never grow . He was gentle , licking at me , kissing my clit , pressing his tongue into the bruised opening of my vagina . I couldn 't believe the sensations . " Listening to guys . They said chicks dig it . I also read some magazines my roommate 's friends brought him in the VA hospital . Seeing your reaction was kinda fun . " I was so excited that I almost begged him to make love to me , but I knew that would only make me more sore . Poor Joey ! If I was still that needy after what he did to me , how bad must it be for him ? One glance at his manhood gave me the answer . It was only fair . We were married now . That changes the rules . " Joey , would you like me to do that to you ? " I took him in my hand and stroked him , they way he seemed to like . " I 'll try it . " I held his manhood and kissed it . A drop of clear fluid leaked out . It was the same thing I saw on him just before he entered me each time . I licked him , tasting it . That was what I needed to hear . My husband liked what I was doing , so I did it again . Then I opened my mouth , held my lips over my teeth , and lowered my head . Joey let me do it at my pace . He played with my hair , never holding on to it , never forcing me . He loved me , I loved him , he loved what I was doing , and pretty soon I realized I enjoyed it too . I sucked him for a while , listening to him moan , and then licked him , giving my jaw a break , hearing him tell me how much he loved me . When he started moving his hips , I promised myself to swallow . It tasted , well , I don 't know . . . . Different . A little salty , a tiny bit sweet , an odd texture in my mouth . Warm . Nice . Like most newlyweds , we couldn 't keep our hands off each other . We were both in love and in lust . We learned how to please each other , both quickly and luxuriously . Joey was stronger every day . He claimed that it was my love that did it . He worked his way through school , and with my income as a teacher , we got by . We decided it was time to start a family , talked how amazing it would be if we could have a child by our fourth anniversary , so I went off the pill . On our third anniversary , Joseph Ramsey III was conceived . We both swear it was that night . I had been looking forward to it , an evening of dinner , dancing , and love - making . It would be a special night where we were newlyweds again , celebrating our love like it was our very first time , just like we did every year on this night . In the days before , lying in bed with a bucket on the floor or sleeping in the bathroom , I wondered if it would happen . I was getting better , but I couldn 't imagine having the stamina for a night out . We had sandwiches and canned soup at the kitchen counter as our anniversary feast . We skipped dancing entirely . The next day , Joey had a fever worse than mine ever was . By the time we were both healthy enough to want to do something again , I had missed my period . Joey and I learned to accommodate my growing size . We did everything we could to keep each other happy , and I believe we succeeded quite well . We were blessed with a full term , healthy baby boy exactly nine months later . Now , it 's the summer of 2012 . I 'm newly retired , loving the fact that I don 't have to plan for next school year . The kids don 't live with us anymore . Joseph the Third is married and living with his new wife in her native London . Suzanne ( not Sue , Jr . - I put my foot down on that one ! ) is working on her Master 's Degree , engaged to a living doll of a guy who reminds me a little of Joey when we were young . We 're alone together , the way we started . It 's nice . We have each other . That and a rock to sit on are all we need . " I know . Thirty - one days before I have an old retired guy underfoot all the time . Are you going to expect me to entertain you ? " I teased . The look in his eyes made me wet , just like it has for decades . He does something to my soul , to my heart and my mind , just being here . It 's something about the love and the fire in his eyes . I kissed him so violently he almost dropped me . This is TOP OF THE SHELF great . As a romantic lifelong love story - - from the ages of nine year old new neighbors - - for more than six ( 6 ) decades Joey and Sue are in love ! Their love for each other never wavers , except to grow and mature in stature , depth , caring and respect . A love story developing for more than six ( 6 ) decades , never wavering , even through the Viet Nam war for Joey returning home scared and injuried , the story itself is a miracle . Sue never gave up - - not even for a second did she consider abandoining her soulmate , " her man " ! ! Accolades to the writer ! I love a good romance - - seemingly real and true - - with an excellent ending . For me the story could improve ONLY had they been a blood - kin incestual brother and sister !

I was seeing a lady who was significantly older than me . She was tall , attractive , graceful , very outgoing , both intelligent and educated , and - certainly just as important as any of those to this young man - well endowed ( read that as " having an awe - inspiring bust " ) . She also had a husband and children ; I hadn 't yet learned my lesson about married women . We met at a club I had recently joined , got to know each other , and it wasn 't long before we were sharing a bed . And I won her loyalty completely by accident , the first time we slept together . After our first time , we were laying in the hotel bed doing the small - talk thing when I mentioned that I had trouble believing that she had actually given birth to three children , because her , uh , anatomy had done a remarkable job of recovering from that trauma . To be blunt , she had been really , really good ; far better than I had expected , and once was not going to be enough . She gave me a please - fuck - me - right - now - dammit hug , and thanked me profusely for that compliment . What I said was true , but I had only been trying to be polite . I had thought that as an older woman she might appreciate being told that her pussy was still tight , but apparently she had read something much deeper into it . I found out what a couple of minutes later when she admitted that one of her children was adopted ( and , apparently , she thought that I had figured that out , simply by noticing how tight she was ! ) . Now , I already knew that she was sensitive about her appearance , because before she had gotten undressed she had asked me to turn the lights out . Apparently , she had also been worried about her ability to please me , and my comments had convinced her that I was , in fact , very happy with both her appearance and her performance . This was all new to me , as I 'd never really looked at it from her point of view before . From then on , I made a point of complimenting her on her appearance whenever I was with her . I guess she was pretty hungry for a kind word , because she always ate it up . For her part , after that first time she never again acted shy about letting me see her , or touch her in any way I wanted , as long as we were in private . In public , of course , we still had to act like good friends who had met at a club . I got the strong impression that she was pretty much starved for affection and sex , and I tried my best to play the part of being hopelessly in love , wanting only to make her happy . It wasn 't hard . There wasn 't much acting involved at all . I 'm fairly self - centered , but she was an easy person to love . Have I mentioned that she was pleasant company , had a beautiful body , and was incredible in bed ? I willingly gave her everything she wanted , only occasionally wondering why she wasn 't getting any of it from her husband . She had told me that she hated her husband , and only slept with him when she had to , about twice a week . It seemed to be true , because whenever I could find a place to sleep ( off the ship , that is ) , she would come spend most of the night with me . I say " most " , because she would get up around 2 or 3 every morning and leave . That kinda bothered me , but since she had a husband and children I couldn 't very well object . After all , they would certainly be upset if she hadn 't made it home by the time they got up the next morning . I called my house every so often , whenever my ship got close enough to a telephone , and she was always there , happy to hear from me . After I had been gone about five months , though , with one more to go before we came back home , I sensed something wrong . What made me worry the most was a guy 's voice in the background once , and her getting evasive when I asked who was there . One of my friends was coming back early , so I asked him to check up on things and make sure she was okay . He went by my house , then went to squadron headquarters and told them that my house was deserted ; hadn 't been lived in for months . They sent a message to my ship saying that she had skipped out on me , and I should do whatever I could to protect myself . Well , I really couldn 't do anything from the Med , but since we were coming home in another couple of weeks anyway , the ship let me take leave and fly home early . My route was pretty roundabout and the trip took almost four whole days . Can 't complain too much , though , as I got a peasant 's view tour of Sardinia and the La Maddalena islands , and my two days layover between flights was in Rome so I saw all the sights I could . It was a lousy day back at Norfolk - warm but drizzling , and it looked like it would rain for the next week . I took a cab home . My friend was right ; the lawn hadn 't been mowed in weeks , and the grass was green where we used to park . I let myself in . It was clear that no one had lived in the place since I had left half a year before . In fact , everything was exactly the same . The dirty clothes I had left in a pile in the bedroom ( when I changed on the day I left ) hadn 't been touched . Not that I remembered , but I recognized the pile when I saw it . Oh , yeah , I did that . I cleaned up some , straightened the house , took a shower , talked to my neighbors , wondered where in hell Shirley was . It took me a while to figure out what had happened . The lady next door said that Shirley had never moved in . But she had always answered when I called home ! The clue was that I could call out , but my phone didn 't get incoming calls . I called my neighbor and asked her to call me back . She never did , so I walked next door again to see what was wrong . She said that she had called , and talked to some lady . I called the phone company to report a problem with my number , and then called my own number , intending to apologize to the poor lady , whoever she was , for bothering her , and to tell her that the phone company would be fixing the problem soon . It took me a second to recognize Shirley 's voice , and suddenly I knew what she had done . The phone company had recently started to offer that newfangled call forwarding , and when she had left her husband she had moved somewhere else , and had Ma Bell forward all calls from my house to her , wherever she was . As long as she always answered the phone herself , everyone would think she was at my house , waiting for me . " Shirley , I 'm standing in my kitchen right now , and I don 't see you . As a matter of fact , it doesn 't look like you have ever been here . How strange that you answer my telephone , but you 're not here . " I asked if she still had my car , and if I could have it back . She said that she still had it , it was running fine , and she 'd deliver it tonight . I asked if she would need a ride back to wherever she was , and after a muffled discussion in the background , she said that she had a ride . I asked if I knew who she was with , and she pointed out that it was none of my business . Well , that may be true . Another muffled discussion , and a man came on the phone , saying that he was glad that this was finally out in the open , and that he would bring my car , my checkbook and anything else she had , to me just as soon as I told him where I was . " No , I don 't think she 's been honest with either of us . " I could hear her getting upset with him . He told her to shut up , the two of us were going to settle this face to face , since we certainly couldn 't trust her to go between us . " How long has she been living with you ? " Ever since she left her husband , a couple of months after I went to sea . Great . I feel sick . It had stopped raining for the time being , and my neighbor volunteered her husband to drive me out there . The pancake place was closed ; apparently it wasn 't an all - nighter any more . After ten minutes or so Shirley drove up in my Datsun , followed by a strange pickup with a man in it , and I waved Tim off . We walked across the street to another restaurant and talked while I had breakfast , lunch , and dinner . We sat at the most isolated booth we could find . I sat alone on one side , and they sat together on the other - he on the outside so she would have to stay and listen to the abuse . Shirley stayed close to him , but he seemed really mad at her . Every time she touched him , he would shrug away from her . She was really trying to be nice to him , and he just wasn 't having any . I recognized Fred ( Frederick , I don 't remember his last name ) . He was an older man who had joined the club where I met Shirley about three months before I left , and apparently she had been screwing him the whole time . In fact , she had introduced him to the club as one of her friends , and I realized now that they were already screwing when she brought him . Now , she had been climbing into my bed two or three times a week ( whenever I could find a bed ! ) , then leaving in the middle of the night to go home to her husband so that he could screw her , for about a year before I left , but Fred hadn 't known that until tonight , when he asked some questions about me after we hung up . He had thought that she was faithful to her husband until she met him , until I called that afternoon and he realized that we had been doing the affair thing before I left . She had confessed everything to him earlier in the evening , including about half a dozen other guys in the same club before she met me . The whole sordid story came out over coffee that night , and we were both pretty disgusted . She had been literally hopping from bed to bed - her husband , me , Fred , and a couple other people too , for more than three months , until I left . She moved in with Fred after that , and claimed to have been faithful to him , but he just wasn 't going to believe her . He seemed to be a nice guy , and would probably be a good husband , but he was in his fifties . He just would not believe that he was keeping her satisfied , now that he knew her appetite . We got everything settled very easily , since Shirley was embarrassed and wanted to get it over with , and Fred apparently wanted to have a clean conscience about ' stealing ' my girl . There wasn 't much . Shirley had been paying my phone bill , to try to hide the statements from me so I wouldn 't find out what was up , since Newport News was a long distance call from my house . Every goddam time someone dialed my number , I got billed a dollar or so while Shirley pretended to be my faithful true love . Fred insisted on paying my current phone bill , just to clean all the loose ends up . I couldn 't very well refuse , since she had the bills anyway . I didn 't even know how much it was . Fred was really pissed , and when we were done he came up with a surprise . " You want to take Shirley home for the night ? I used to be a sailor , and I know how lonely it gets . You need to relieve some tension , and you may as well take Shirley . You can have her all night . I 'm too mad to look at her , anyway . " Of course Shirley objected , and got even more upset . I declined , as I just wanted to wash my hands of the whole affair . " Fred , I 'm not in a very loving mood right now . " Fred kept offering her to me , and every time Shirley would say she wouldn 't go , Fred would tell her " We didn 't ask you . You fucked him before ; you 'll fuck him again . You don 't care ; you 'll fuck anybody , " and make the offer again . I kept refusing , though , because I didn 't wish any ill of her , and the more I looked at her the less attractive she was . A lot of that is emotional , you know . When she was my girlfriend she was beautiful , and I couldn 't get enough of her . Now she was just someone else 's worn - out old slut , and I didn 't want her . Still . . . Fred was willing . Hell , it was his idea . Shirley wasn 't willing , but she didn 't have much say in the matter . She was going to do whatever he said , or else walk out of the restaurant and find another man to live with at one o ' clock in the morning . And I knew what to do ; I had ' owned ' a slave in high school ( Beth , a girl who wasn 't a genius , knew it , and was perfectly happy doing what someone she trusted told her to do . She worshipped the ground I walked on , and would literally do anything I told her to do . I tried pretty hard to find something too humiliating for her . It wasn 't easy . D / s is a lot of fun ) . I looked at Shirley . " Shut up . When you acted like a lady , we treated you like a lady . When you act like a whore , we treat you like a whore . You 'll do as you 're told , and right now you 'll shut up . We 're not talking to you . " Shirley started to answer me , but Fred pulled her face around and made her look at him , and repeated what I had said : " Shut up . We 're not talking to you . " After a few seconds , he let go of her . She didn 't say anything . He was ready for that . " You 're not going home with me . That 's final . You 'll go home with Mike , and you 'll spread your legs for him as many times as he wants . Or you can find a new pimp . I don 't want to see you tonight . " Fred kept pushing . I stayed out of it . " You 'll go wherever he wants to take you , and you 'll do whatever he wants you to do . You used to spread your legs for him whenever he wanted you to , and you can do it one more time . " " Shirley Anne , when Mike is done with you he 'll take you to my house - unless you decide to stay with him . In that case , I 'll bring all your stuff to his house , and what you do when his back is turned will be his problem . But , if he decides that he doesn 't want you , he 'll bring you to my house , and if he says that you were a good whore and gave him what he wanted , I 'll take you back . For tonight though , you belong to him . " She slowly raised my hand and touched her lips to it . Fred wasn 't satisfied , and asked me if she ever sucked my dick . " Sometimes . " Was she any good ? " Well , she tried hard . " He turned back to her . " Open your mouth , whore . " She did it . I pushed my index finger in . " Do you remember what his dick tasted like ? Would you like to taste it again ? " She shook her head , and pulled away from me . " Please , Fred . I don 't want anyone but you . Don 't make me do this . " I butted in . " Fred , I 'm getting kinda excited , and it 's late , anyway . I promise I 'll bring her back in the morning . " " Good . You can humiliate her , but don 't hurt her . You do whatever you want with her for the night , and maybe she 'll learn something about being a real whore , and keep her legs closed next time . " " I guess I 'm saying you do whatever you want , and make her do whatever you want . As long as you have a good time , it doesn 't matter if she does or not . Don 't worry about hurting her feelings ; she doesn 't worry about anyone else 's . " We , well , Fred paid the bill and we walked back to the cars . It wasn 't really raining , but it had rained while we were talking , and was still misting a little . As soon as we got out of the lights , Fred made her stop and give me a good hug . He made Shirley snuggle up to me , press her tits against me and rub her crotch against my leg , and kiss me and say that she would do anything I wanted her to . I know she could feel me growing and getting hard . I pulled her skirt up and fondled her ass just like I used to - although I never had right out in a parking lot - and then pushed her away and said " It 's getting late , and I 'm tired . Let 's go home . " Fred said " Say ' I 'd love to , Mike , ' and hold his hand . You 're his whore , and you 're in love with him for the night . " Now , that 's cold . When we got back to the cars , Fred made Shirley bend over and put her hands on my car . He told her to stay there , and flipped her skirt up onto her back , exposing her panties . He rubbed her butt for a few seconds , and then slapped it . " Spread your legs , dammit . You 've opened them for every man in Norfolk , why get modest now ? " " Fred , please ! Don 't make me do this ! Let me go home with you ! I promise I won 't cheat on you ! Please ! " He spanked her again , much harder . " That 's a worthless promise . Now , shut up and spread your legs . " He waited a few more seconds , and then spanked her several more times , very hard . When he was done , she opened her legs a little , and he rubbed her ass and told her that she could obey when she wanted , but a whore needed to do these things without being told . Then he reached between her legs and started rubbing her twat thru her panties . " Are you ready for a dick ? Of course you are - you 're always ready . " He pulled her panties down to her thighs , and ran a finger along her whole crack , from the small of her back all the way to her bush , before he pushed it into her snatch . " Are you looking forward to having Mike in your pussy tonight ? " " Fred , I don 't want him . All I want is you . " He pulled his finger out of her slot , and shoved it up her ass . She grunted . " Well , then , would you rather take him up your butt ? " " Come on . You drove all the way to his house and climbed in his bed every night for years , and you 're saying you don 't want his dick ? " He pulled his finger out of her ass and told me to play with my whore , then stepped back and leaned against the car to watch . I did the same thing he had done , rubbing her butt and then her bush before I started stroking her pussy . I knew what she liked , and I played with her clit until she was wet and squirming . I asked " Can you say that you love me ? " She shook her head , so I stopped playing with her and spanked her a couple of times . " I love you , Mike . Please don 't hit me . " I went back to tickling her clit , and asked " I 'm glad to hear that , and I 'm sure Fred is too . Now , can you say that you need me , and you 'll do anything for my dick ? " No answer , so I stopped playing with her again and rested my hand on her butt . I rubbed her butt for a second , and then went back to playing with her pussy . " Where do you want my dick , Shirley ? Does your pussy need it ? " No answer , so I shoved my finger up her asshole the way Fred had . " Or would you rather take me up your ass ? It 's a lot tighter , and I 'm sure I 'd like it better than your worn - out old pussy . " She tried to get away from my finger , and stammered " Please use my vagina , Mike . " I kept my finger in her ass , and wiggled it around some . " Your asshole sure feels tight , Shirley . Can you say ' My pussy needs you , Mike . Please fuck me ! ' ? " I pulled my finger out of her ass , and told her to turn around and face me . Of course her skirt fell back down , so I asked " What do you want me to do ? " " Please fuck me , Mike . " I looked down at her skirt . " I don 't see it . Show it to me . " So , she had to lift up her skirt and show me her crotch , her panties still pushed down . I used my left hand to stroke her bush . " I paid for that pussy , and until I give it back to Fred , it 's mine . You will not hide it from me again . You will keep it in my sight at all times . Do you understand ? " " Yes , Mike . " " Good . That means you 'll have to hold your skirt up like that until I let you take it off . You will also not close your legs . Your pussy will be available to me at all times . Do you understand me ? " " Yes , Mike . I understand you . " " So ? Your pussy has had half the dicks in Norfolk , and you worry about dirty ? But you 're right , I don 't want you to get sick . We 'll clean it off first . " I rubbed her lips with it , saying " Lick my finger clean . " Shirley started to say something , and I shoved it in her mouth . " Lick it clean , whore . " I held her head with my other hand , and made her lick it off before I pulled it out of her mouth . I reached out and nodded her head for her . " Of course you would . You 're a whore , and you know that men love blowjobs . Besides , you love me and would do anything to please me . For that matter , you can address me as ' Master ' from now on , since you belong to me . Got that , slut ? " " Yes , Master . " " Good girl . Now , I 'm going to fuck you tonight until I can 't fuck any more , and you 're going to please me , one way or another . I really don 't care if you enjoy it or not , but the harder you try to please me , the easier you 'll have it . The more you fight , the more miserable you 'll be . Understand ? " When she was done , I went on with the rules : " I 'm going to use you like the slut you are , and it 's your problem if you don 't like it . Now , I 'm going to fuck you when we get home , but I 'm sure that your pussy will be too worn out to please me . That leaves your mouth and your asshole . Have you ever been buttfucked before ? " " Yes , Master . John did it a couple of times . " John was her husband , who she had left to live with me , err , Fred . " Of course , whenever he got tired of your dead pussy . And you never learned , did you ? Did you like having his dick up your ass ? " " No , Master . " " But you never learned to please him in other ways , did you ? Well , that 's your problem . If you can suck my dick well enough to satisfy me , then I 'll let you blow me all night , but if your pussy is too worn out to please me , and you don 't want to suck my dick , then I 'll buttfuck you ' til I 'm happy . I expect you 'll have my dick up your ass most of the night . " " And when I 'm done , I 'll make you lick my dick clean like you did my finger , so you 'll end up sucking my dick anyway . So , slut , would you like to suck my dick now ? " " Yes , Master . " So Shirley had to beg to give me a blowjob . Before I gave her permission , I told her that she couldn 't kneel with her panties the way they were , and asked Fred if he wanted them . " She 's your slut . Do whatever you want with her . " I pulled her panties down to her ankles and had her step out of them , leaving them there on the wet pavement . " Now you can get down on your knees and blow me . " " Yes , Master . " I told her that her life would be much easier if she didn 't have to hold on to her skirt . Then I asked if she wanted to take it off , but she shook her head . " Okay , then you have to hold it up . Now , suck my dick . " I undid my pants and held her head on my dick . I made her try to swallow it , and then led her through how to make love to a dick with her tongue . The lesson didn 't last too long , because I spunked almost immediately . I made her swallow it , suck the cum out of my dick , and lick me clean before I helped her get up , still holding her skirt up so I could see her snatch . I caressed her face - " Would you rather blow me " - and then stroked her bush some more - " or fuck me ? " " Please fuck me , Master . My pussy needs you . " " Good girl . That 's what I want to hear . As soon as we get home , we 'll see how good your pussy is . " I turned to Fred and told him that he could go on home ; it looked like I had everything under control . I could tell that she had already figured out where this particular conversation was going . " Well , if there 's no dick in your purse , you don 't need your purse , because there 's nothing else you really need . Fred will keep your purse safe for us , and if there ever comes a time when we find a use for anything in it , well , we will go get it . " I stood there looking at her , while Fred unlocked his truck . Apparently , she didn 't have anything else to say . Later , when I started writing all this down and went back over this evening in my mind , I realized that I was already talking in terms of keeping her . It 's a wonder Fred didn 't pull a gun and shoot me on the spot . He must have really been pissed at her . I unlocked my car , and helped Shirley into the passenger side . When she was in , I pulled her blouse up over her chest , exposing her bra . Then I took the front of her skirt and tucked it up under her bra between her tits . " And , voila ! It stays up by itself - you don 't have to hold your skirt up anymore . Now , slut , your hands are free , aren 't they ? " " Yes , Master . " " Good . Take your shirt off . " She unbuttoned her blouse , pulled it off , and handed it to me . I offered it to Fred , but he just looked up at the clouds and started whistling . I tossed it into a puddle next to her panties , tapped her knee and reminded her to keep her legs open , told her to stay there , and closed the door . I stopped to talk to Fred again for a minute before I got in . He asked if I had ever treated her like this before . " No , but I owned a slave a long time ago , and I know what to do . Traffic won 't be a problem , since she 'll be sucking my dick the whole trip home . Her skirt and her bra will go out the window somewhere on ' 44 . " " She 's going to kneel down on my front porch and kiss my feet , point out that she is nude as a slave should be , and beg me to allow her to enter my house and serve me . I doubt if I 'll have to tie her up at all . Umm , will you be home tomorrow morning , or can she get into your place without a key ? " " Mike , I need to do some thinking . You just keep her until I call you . It 's not like she needs her clothes or anything . " " No , she doesn 't - not at my house . If she gets cold she can beg me to hold her . If I keep her for very long , though , I 'm gonna have to have some friends over to help fuck her , because I can 't keep her satisfied for more than a day or so . " " I don 't think anyone can . I 'll call you tomorrow . Feel free to tie her up if that 's what you need to keep her under control . " " Okay , will do . Don 't call too early ; I 'm gonna be sleeping pretty late . " With that , he got in his pickup , and I got in my car . I shut my door and started the engine , then turned to look at Shirley . She was still sitting the way I had left her , nude from the waist down , her legs spread wide and her skirt tucked in her bra . She looked pretty scared , and ready to cry . I reached out to stroke her face , and asked " He 's pretty mad at you , isn 't he ? " " I love him , Mike . I want to marry him . I 'll be good . I really will . " " You 'll get another chance . You 're going to have to really impress him though , to get him to keep you long enough to build up some trust . You can 't give him any reason to suspect you might be seeing another man , or he 'll boot you out on the street . That 's your problem though , for you to worry about later . Right now you 're mine , and you need to worry about me . I 'm going to teach you how to be a proper slave . " " Yes , Master . " " Good girl . Now , suck my dick while I drive home . No matter what happens , you keep your mouth on my dick , and try to make me come again . Got it ? " " Yes , Master . I 'll be good . " I undid my pants again and let her put her face around my dick , then drove off , down Military Highway to ' 44 . I couldn 't pay any attention to her at first , since my Datsun was manual and I hadn 't driven in six months , but I had it under control by the time we were on ' 44 . I kept my speed down to about 60 , and started to caress her . I rubbed her back and shoulders , and then her butt before I moved down to her thighs . I ran my hand all over her back , and finally unsnapped her bra . I pushed the straps off her shoulders , and she moved her arms to help me take it off . I put it aside for the moment , and reached around to cup one of her tits . I had always loved playing with her tits , so I softly asked her " Shirley , do you still like having your titties played with ? " " Yes , Master . " She rolled over , keeping her head in my lap . I fondled her tits some , but she was completely nude now except for her skirt bunched around her lap . I pulled it up to her waist and made her spread her legs wide for me . I told that I would stop the car , make her get out , and spank her right there beside the road the next time she closed her legs or hid her pussy , and then stroked her snatch until she started begging for my dick again . " When we get home . " I fondled her tits some more , and then made her use both hands to hold her cuntlips open for me , while I played with her clit . I made her just lay there like that , without moving , even when we stopped at the toll plaza . I had to ignore her while I fed the toll machine , but I insisted that she keep holding her cuntlips open for me . I think we surprised the toll attendant who was walking by , but she didn 't scream or anything , so I guess it was nothing new . Virginia Beach was a tourist town , so she probably saw a lot of weirdos driving through . I wondered if Fred might have followed us , so I drove over next to the emergency telephone and stopped the car , and almost immediately saw his pickup . I took off again , and once we got up to speed , I opened my window and threw Shirley 's bra out . " Do you want me to play with your tits , Shirley ? " " Sure . " Her tits were lovely , a pair of full melons , with nipples that felt like warm steel . I started massaging them and gave them a workout , making her nipples grow and stick out even more . I got tired of that before long , though , and started playing with the rest of her body . Her skirt kept getting in the way , so I finally told her to sit back up and take it off . I smiled . " Well , slut , that 's exactly what I want you to do with it , but you should be rewarded for being good . So , for now just reach back and put it on the back shelf . " Shirley has long arms , but she had to turn around and lean over the seat to reach the shelf behind the back seat . When she did , I reached over and touched her butt . She flinched , but I started caressing it . " You have a nice , soft ass , Shirley , and spanking you was a lot of fun . Has anyone else ever spanked you ? " " That 's a shame . I really enjoyed that , and I 'd love an excuse to spank you again . Well , for now just remember another rule : Whenever I touch you , you stay still until I let go of you again . Don 't move away from me . You can move closer to me , if you want . You will always submit to my touch , whatever I want to do , and you will give me access to what I reach for . Your entire body is my toy , and I will play with it whenever and however I want . Understand ? " " Okay , then sit down . No , lock your door . Okay , lean against the door and face me . Keep your pussy open . Now , is there anything within reach that you could use to cover yourself up with ? " " That 's right . Now , I 'm going to stop and get some beer , and I don 't want you to move a muscle . You 're going to stay in the car and wait for me , sitting just like that . If anyone comes up and looks in the car while I 'm in the store , I want them to see you like this , with your legs spread as wide as you can , and your hands holding your pussy lips apart . If you want to , you can also open your mouth and lick your lips . " " Yes , Master . " She opened her legs some more and pulled her lips apart , showing the little nub hiding at the top of her slot . I rubbed it a little . " How much should I charge for your hole , Shirley ? Two dollars ? Three ? Should it be free to all comers ? " " Please don 't give me away , Master . I 'll keep you happy . " I left her alone for a bit , and then reached out and flopped her big tits . " Don 't you worry about your titties sagging ? " " Yes , Master . " " You used to be so proud of your titties . Well , until someone comes by to look at your pussy , you can hold your titties up . " " Yes , Master . Thank you . " She let go of her cuntlips and held her tits . They are pretty big , and my Datsun is kinda lively . Every time we hit a bump they had flopped . I expect they were beginning to hurt without a bra to hold them up . " No problem . Titties are meant to be played with , and if no one else will do it , you 'll have to do it yourself . For that matter , I 'll want to see you play with your pussy tonight , too . " Anyway , Fred was still following us , so I ran down 44 to the end , turned my lights off , and hit the switch for my brake lights ( it had been years since I had worried about bad guys chasing me , but even now I still put a kill switch on the brake lights in any car I drive ) before I turned right . I took the next right , too , and then a third . I pulled into an alley as quickly as I could , and waited until Fred went by . He had seen me leave ' 44 , but his truck just wasn 't quick enough to catch where I went after that . My house is too close to the road to hide at , if he knew roughly where it was , so I wasn 't going to even get near it until I knew we had lost him ( Of course , I was tired as hell , because I hadn 't slept in two days . Later , when I went to write this down , I realized that I was being stupid - all Fred had to do was look my name up in the phone book - or one of the phone bills which he still had , for god 's sake , and he 'd know where I lived ) . Anyway , I went up north to the all - night grocery store up on Laskin , and parked next to the swamp ( also , right next to a gay bar - the one that was famous for it 's ' Parking in Rear ' sign - if you care . I didn 't think that a gay bar would be a problem for us tonight ) . Shirley was still sitting with her legs open , holding her tits , so I told her to stay that way and wait for me , and walked in . I left my door unlocked , but I took the keys with me . I got a case of cold Miller , and when I got back to the car I put it on the hood and drank one while Shirley watched me from her seat . I put the empty back in the flat and opened two more , then walked around to her side and waved for her to come out and join me . She shook her head , and I nodded my head . I held it out to her . " Did I ask if you liked it ? No . I told you to drink it . Wait . Stand still . " She did , and I held the cold can up against one of her tits . She gasped . I pulled it away from her for a second , and then slid it up between her legs to her snatch . She started gasping and shaking again . " What should we do with this beer , Shirley ? " " Please let me drink it , Master . " I gave her the can and told her to not waste any . We both stood there , enjoying a cold brew on a warm summer night . I told her that the fresh air was good for her complexion , and that she would look a lot better with a good tan . I offered to take her to the beach in the morning , to get some sun . I also pulled her to me , and fondled her some more . She was nervous about being seen , but she still reacted to my touch . I licked my fingers and rubbed her nipples , making them stand out again , and then stroked her clit until her knees started to buckle . We talked some about her being a complete slave to her cunt , and her willingness to do anything for a dick . I had her beg for my dick again , and again told her she had to wait . When we were done , we put the empties back in the flat and I had her put it in the back seat ; I may as well use my slave for manual labor , too . While she was doing that , I asked if she wanted to go for a walk on the beach . " Please , Master , isn 't it time to go home ? " She was bent over with her head in the car , so I slid a hand over her back and around to her tits and fondled them , then down between her legs and started playing with her pussy again . " Why are you so anxious to go home , slut ? " She stayed where she was , and moved her legs to give me some more room . Good girl . " Because you promised you would fuck me when we get home . Master , I need your dick in my pussy . " " I saw a good - looking black stud in the store , with a big bulge in his pants . Have you ever had a big black dick ? " " No , Master . " " Why not ? You prejudiced ? You don 't like black people ? " Then , softly , " Should I go get him ? " " Please take me home and fuck me , Master . I 'll please you . I 'll keep you happy . I don 't need anyone else . You 're all I need . " " We 'll see . " Now I had a whole range of threats for her to worry about . She didn 't want to be spanked , she didn 't want to be shown around nude , she didn 't want to be given away , and she certainly didn 't want to be given to a black man . Life is good . I don 't know what I would have done if she had said yes , because I hadn 't seen anyone like that . I let her get in the car again , but after she closed the door I made her sit the way she had before , leaning up against the door with her legs spread wide . I got in and started the engine , and then drove over to the dumpsters beside the grocery store . I stopped the car , but I left it in gear , ready to go , and told her to get out . " Why , Master ? " Okay . I put it in neutral and set the brake , then reached out and fondled her tits for a second . Then I squeezed her nipples and used them to pull her down onto my lap , and spanked her hard several times . After that I pushed her back up again and just sat there looking at her for a second . " Please , Master , may I get out ? " I smiled at her . " Certainly ! " She got out , and stood there waiting for me . " Close your door and walk around to my side . " She did , and I locked her door behind her . Then I rolled my window down , and we discussed how a woman who was proud of her body would stand . Shirley did , keeping her shoulders back . She lost the stomach and crotch parts , but I thought that she 'd made a good start so I didn 't say anything . She was trying . When she got to the car I handed her one of the empty beer cans . " Put this in the dumpster , slut , and walk back to me with your hands behind your head . " " Being attractive is largely attitude , you know , and you are beginning to get the right attitude back . As long as you are willing to be a shameless , wanton slut , you can keep your man happy , but you are getting too old and worn out for anyone to put up with disobedience . Understand me , slave ? " " Yes , Master . I will obey you , and do anything you want . " " Good . See , you can still fuck twenty guys a day , if that 's what you want . You just have to ask me first , so I can get paid for it . Any time you want a new dick , you just tell me , and I 'll drive you down to the corner and get you one . " I looked at her . " Yes , Master . " " We 'll see . " I drove all the way down Baltic to the Boulevard , but I didn 't see anyone I could offer Shirley to . I also didn 't see Fred 's truck , so I turned toward my place . I finally saw some people hanging around at the 7 - 11 , but that was too close to my house to stop and rent Shirley out , so I just pointed them out to her . " Those guys are pretty poor , but we could probably get five dollars for a blow , or ten for a fuck . They think that there 's something special about fucking a white woman , so they 'd give me everything they could , but they can 't pay what they don 't have . " I snorted . " They don 't know what they 're talking about . The best I ever had was a black girl I knew in high school , who appreciated me acting human to her . Most whites just shit on her and her folks . She was a nice girl , and I liked her as a person . Her being pretty just made it better . " I drove on home , and parked where my car belonged - probably the first time it had been there in six months . I asked if there was anything I could write on , and Shirley got my gas and repair log out of the glove compartment . I ripped a sheet out , and had to scribble for a second before the pen would work . " Shirley , there 's something special about a slave entering her Master 's home , and I want to have a little ceremony . We 'll do it every time you walk in my door , for the rest of your stay here . I 'm going to go on in and take my shoes off , and I want you to stay outside until I come back to get you . I 'll open the door for you , and I want you to get down and kiss my feet , and say a little speech , OK ? I 'll write it down for you , so that you won 't have to memorize it this first time . " " Thank you , Master . " " No problem . I won 't give you any orders you can 't follow , and I expect you 're too keyed up to get it right the first time anyway . " I had to think for a second before I started writing . ' Master , i am Your slave and am open to Your will . i am nude , as a slave should be . my body is Yours to use or abuse as You wish . i exist only to please You , and i will obey You in all things . Master , please let me enter Your home and serve You . ' When I was done writing , I handed the log back to her to put away , and then gave her the note . I let her read it , and then asked if she had any problems with it . Last chance , Shirley . " No , Master . " Good girl . I figured we could discuss the significance of the lower - case " I " and upper - case " Y " some other time , after we established that she had accepted it without argument . " Okay , that 's it . Let 's go . " We got out and I locked the car , leaving her skirt on the back shelf . I made her come around and hold my arm as we walked to the front door , and then stand on my porch as I went inside . I told her to stay there , and turned on the light so that she was spotlighted . Hell , I wanted people to see her standing nude on my porch . The whole idea was to have fun while humiliating her , and if Fred gave us enough time I wanted to make her fuck some other men while I watched . I locked the screen door , and went to the master bedroom and took my shoes and socks off . When I came back to the door , Shirley was still standing there holding her speech , naked in the light - except for her shoes . I opened the screen door and asked her what she wanted .

Posted on April 25 , 2013 by Paul D Manning Many deep thinking and learned people , scientists , astrophysicists and cosmologists believe in a strange concept which is called " The infinite Universe Probability . " To try to explain this is a very hard thing to do , however I shall try to do that by way of simple illustrations that might just make it clearer , so here we go : Time and space is so unending and so vast that it 's probable that more than one Universe exists , in fact maybe countless trillions do . The chances are that many of them , given time , have replicated each other over and over again like 2 mirrors facing each other . In this way their reflection never ever stops , just as long as the 2 mirrors remain in proximity . Given that this logic may be true then it 's also probable and possible that we , as humans , have countless copies of ourselves out there in the other parallel Universes . Could it be that each one of us are not as unique as we might like to think we are ? Taking the theory a step further it is likely then that the same human occurrences have happened over and over again with regularity , at any given time , either in the present , past , or even the future . Conversely however , there is a strange paradox to this , it is this : Due to each individual having the freedom of choice within those many parallel Universes , then of course our doppelgänger or clone will probably be making different choices to the ones we MIGHT make here , or to the ones we HAVE made here , or WILL make , or ARE making . Therefore this will result in trillions of possible differing outcomes and endings for all of the scenarios that WE or They , could possibly bring about . But then again , applying the same rule and odds , it is obvious that exactly the same outcomes have occurred , and indeed will occur again . The chances of diversity are so vast and numerous that all possibilities have indeed come about , and yet again they have not come about . ( Work that one out ) . Depending upon which Universe a particular person exists in and theiFor example , to enlarge on this theory : Suppose you had not chosen to have that extra piece of toast this morning , or suppose you had forgotten to feed the cat before going out to work , small things yes , but the consequences of them could result in life or death to you or someone else , or could mean happiness or unhappiness for someone or yourself . Had you NOT spent those 5 minutes eating that extra piece of toast , or indeed HAD taken the time to feed that cat then you probably wouldn 't have been around to see that plane fall from the sky and been able to report what you saw as it hit the ground . In not taking those 2 minutes in feeding the cat it prevented you from bumping into your future husband at the super market cash out , who knows ? However , in the other parallel universe those choices , ( toast and cat ) worked out differently for the ones who made them and that is why Edith decided to marry Joe who she met at Tesco 's , you guessed it … she indeed fed the cat ! Paul spent the next five years of his life being called to attend at the C . A . A . ( Civil Aviation Authority ) where they were trying to work out why 550 people died on a jumbo jet while on their way to Spain on holiday . He was the only witness to its crashing , and now has had his life disrupted by it , having to meet all those grieving relatives at those endless crash investigations … . And all this because Paul chose NOT to have that extra slice of toast before he left for work in the morning . Danny Elliott was no rocket scientist or physicist , but somehow he had the hunch that an alternative Universe existed , he liked the idea of it anyway . He also liked the idea that somewhere out there , there were , ( is , ) many us 's and ' we 's ' , doing the same , if not different things , allowing for a whole host of cosmic consequences and outcomes . Danny was still at high school and his grades showed great potential for his future , he was eager to learn and was popular and well liked by the other students . He was a modest and quiet kind of guy , little to say , buDanny was up late that morning and was in a rush . On his way out he grabbed some apples and a ripe banana so he had something to eat for lunch that day . He got into his old heap , a 1979 V8 Chevvy , pointy , sleek and heavy . He started it up and the huge engine roared into life , he drove out onto the road heading for " Preston High " . He was conscious that he was in a rush , but was persuaded not to speed . In fact he kept to the zone limit as he drove along . He remembered his father who had once said to him , " Son , if you ever get that old heap on the road , you mind to keep to the speed limit , you hear me now son ? " He decided to take a short cut that would avoid the busy intersection , known as " bumper to bumper Boulevard " . He turned right off the main highway and through the leafy glades of upper class " Henry Avenue " , where all the houses were set out on their own grassy plots of land and where the kids got Ice cream , just by asking their Mum 's for it . He passed a sign that read " Drive safely here " , it was a neat sign , well painted , tidy and clean , as if it had just been posted there . He looked down at his speedometer gauge , he took note that he was doing 31 mph . By the time he had looked up again a snappy little dog was running out , from the left , and right out in front of his car . Danny hit the brakes , but knew that if he didn 't swerve to avoid the pesky hound he was going to hit it square on and flatten it . He pulled the wheel hard over to the left to avoid it . To his astonishment Danny could see that a small boy was chasing the dog and had run out into the road after his pal , by this time it was all just too late . Just as the heavy car had come to a sliding stop the wing came into contact with the Childs head , It was just a glancing blow against the pointy chrome headlight that was just set at the exact height as the child 's ear , had it not been at this exact height it would have missed the boy completely . Time had stopped for Danny , he froze in fear and in severe shock . His body sank deep into the easy leather of the cars bench seat , as if it would swallow him up and hide him , somehow hoping that all this wasn 't true and that any second he would wake up from his nightmare . He rolled the window down , glancing down at the grassy verge to which his tyre had made a deep rut as it slid to a halt . He was expecting to see the kid get to his feet and go running to his mamma in tears , perhaps holding his hand to a small bruise on his forehead . Danny stayed seated and waited for a few seconds , praying for the child to stir , but he just lay there motionless . Sure , a bruise to the kids head would have been the most Danny could have hoped for because then the kid would still be alive at least … but this wasn 't going to be the case . Tragically the poor kid was as dead as dead could be , at least he didn 't see it coming , it was over in the blink of an eye and thankfully he didn 't suffer . Nancy propped open the fly screen door at the back of the house and then went to the kitchen to collect the basket of linen that had just come out of the washing machine . She then headed out back taking hold of some pegs that she kept in a big plastic candy jar and then through the screen door to the rear garden to hang the bed sheets out to dry on the line . Bruce , the dog , came lapping round her ankles as she crossed the lawn . He was whining and whimpering over something . Nancy scolded him and with exasperation ordered him to skedaddle out from under her feet , but he continued with his whining and yapping . ' Look , why don 't you go and play with your best pal ? ' referring to her son , Luke … ' Shoo , just git ! ' She took hold of one of the sheets and tossed it over the line , pulled it straight and then pegged it down . She moved on further down the line to hang more of her laundry . Luke 's tricycle was in her way so she nudged it with her sandaled foot , its pedals turned as it ran on down the path bumping into Bruce 's Kennel to a halt . She glanced on over to the tree house , where Luke spent a lot of his time , usually trying to get Bruce to join in with some imaginary game , " happy puppy families " , or the like . Nancy called out to him , ' Hey , Luke ! You want some ice cream ? I got your favourite in the freezer , chocolate with crunchy nuts ! There was no reply . She called out again only louder , but still no answer from the boy . The wailing siren of the police car was a deafening and confusing sound to Danny 's ears . The black and white whirred to a droning stop , pulling up by the Chevvy ; it was quickly followed by an ambulance . A lazy looking cop got out of his police car and glanced on over at the guy that was slumped over the steering wheel , Danny was in tears and his face was whiter than the bed sheets that were blowing dry just a hundred yards away . A small crowd had gathered , a lady was on her knees near the ground holding Luke 's lifeless body in her arms and caressing his forehead , weeping as she did so . It 's hard to describe the sheer horror of a certain type of piercing scream , the scream of a mother for her son . A scream so grief stricken , so unforgettable , that it 's best not heard . Nancy came running down the grassy verge and out onto the road and towards her son with a look on her face of desperation and grief . The cop caught her as she fell to her knees by Luke 's side . Hysterically she kept on pleading and screaming as loud as her lungs would allow her … ' Oh no ! Dear God ! Oh no , no , please no ! ' Officer Davies did what he could to console Nancy , but he could do little . He walked her back to the house past some sheets that were scattered about by the tree house , and then on through the fly screen door which he shut after going in with her . Meanwhile , Danny had been arrested and put in the back seat of the police car , where he was being grilled by two other cops who looked like they wanted to kick the shit out of him . Through his tears he explained as best he could , that there was no way he could have avoided the kid and he wasn 't speeding . That he was so very sorry , and to the very deepest heart of him … Danny really was deeply profoundly sorry . Mrs Wilson , one of Nancy 's neighbours , had seen the whole sorry thing , how the dog had run out , her version of the accident was crystal clear . She visited the police station later on and was interviewed by Officer Davies . She made it clear in her statement that Danny wasn 't to blame and that it had happened so fast that no one could have prevented it , that it was just one of those things . Six months later the whole investigation came to an end and Danny 's worries were over . No charges were brought and he tried to carry on as best he could , but Danny wasn 't the type to forget the loss of a young life so easily , his death was another brick in his pocket to carry around to weigh him down even more now . After the inquest Luke was buried , all his best school pals and many of his teachers came to send him off with as much love as they could . Nancy and Brad , Luke 's parents , just couldn 't let go of each other as they watched their son slip into the ground and out of their lives . He had been their only son and they had waited so long for him to come along after trying for 8 years to start a family . Luke was so very special and his parents doted on him . Hiding at the far end of the cemetery was Danny , all alone , weeping and watching from afar . Wishing that all this was just , well NOT SO , and feeling that he could never ever make amends for what he felt he had done . Nancy and Brad 's lives came to a stop that day they both felt that all their love was bound up together in their son , and now they had no one to give it to , no one except each other . Nancy visited a bereavement counsellor to try to get over her loss , while Brad seemed to deal with his by working at the office more and more , as if to distract his mind from dwelling on his grief . Inevitably their relationship suffered , communication became a problem , and yet without a word both knew how each other felt . Behind all their problems both knew their love was still very much alive in their marriage , but was it strong enough to see them through this dark night ? Only time would tell . A year passed and another summer came around again . All the male students at " Preston High " wore their T - shirts emblazoned with their favourite rock bands , and often fights broke out as to which one was best , Led Zeppelin or ZZ Top ? But guys will be guys . The girls wore their skirts short along with tight - fitting blouses and this was the only thing that distracted the boys from their fighting , well sometimes . Danny was never part of the school " In Scene " watching the others strut their stuff , to impress others , was never a part of his character and it amused him to watch them . He had noticed that since the accident that many of his ' so called friends ' had withdrawn from him . Rumours of ' kiddie Killer ' and ' Danny , Darko of death ' were whispered down the school corridors . Yes , kids can be cruel at times and thoughtless , as if Danny didn 't have enough to deal with in his life without that crap ? Since the day of Luke 's death , and out of respect for what happened , Danny had not driven the Chevvy at all , even on that fateful day he had asked Officer Davies to arrange to get it home for him . So , there it stood , in the garage , quiet , silent and mean , with a dust sheet over the roof as if hiding away . Danny 's mother , Marie , complained that it was in the way and that she needed the space , but Danny knew that she had little interest in what he liked in life , and she never did . All she ever did was bad mouth his father and that Dougie was never any good anyway . That she hoped he would never come back to her . Danny remembered the days when he and his father had worked on the car together , and how they really talked with each other . Dad had always been there for him whenever problems arose and instilled a kind of peace in him , and that Danny should realise that life is not always a rose garden , but it brings its thorns too and he ought to prepare for them if he wanted to get through life . They talked about science and the Cosmos , about Astronomy and space and time , both offering their theories to each other and often joking . Both would like to expand each other 's minds as to the mysteries of life , of what was still hidden and yet to be discovered . He remembered his father saying that the whole thing was like a huge warren of tunnels , all interconnected , like some vast " Rabbit hole " but that it made sense if we try to understand it , if we ponder on it long enough . All that Danny knew was that one night he had heard his parents squabbling and rowing over something and Marie had thrown some dishes at the wall , losing her temper at Dougie . The next thing Danny knew was that by morning his father had disappeared without a trace , when he asked his mother about it , she refused to explain . Danny missed his father deeply and wondered why he wasn 't contacting him or even writing , but Danny was no Judge and there was more to his dad 's story and disappearance , he felt sure about that . On sunny days Nancy had taken to going for walks on her own to the park . She would bring a sandwich or two and sit on a bench while eating them , watching the kids play ball , always thinking of Little Luke . On this particular day she had been to her local library to pick up a book before going to her usual spot in the park . Walking through the ornate gates she headed down the path and under the trees that stood watch over a circular fountain that had numerous nickels and dimes in it , each coin someone 's wish . Approaching her usual bench by the playing fields , there sitting at the next bench along , was a young guy with his nose deep in a book . Nancy smiled politely and then quietly took her seat . She reached into her bag taking out the library book and began to read . For some reason or other , unknown to Nancy herself , she had impulsively chosen a book called " Infinite Universes " , not ordinarily a subject that took her interest , but she took the book on a whim . The book was large and full of colourful images of galaxies and far off stars and diagrams with explanations she didn 't understand . For a moment Nancy thoughtfully glanced up at the sky as if it would give her some answers to what she was reading . Then her gaze took her to the guy who was reading his own book , on the next bench . She could just make out the title on its cover : " Rabbit Hole Universe " , written over a repeated image of Planet Earth . ' Well now , such a coincidence ' Nancy thought to herself … ' But I guess he knows more than I do on the subject . ' Just then a group of excited kids , dressed in yellow Yankee outfits , were setting out the running bases for a game of Baseball out on the field . Then the tall one , wearing a leather catch glove over his hand , called out : ' Hey Danny ! You wanna be the referee for us ? ' Danny looked up from his book and called back : ' I don 't think so , maybe next time ' . Nancy slowly lowered her book down onto her lap and turned away in her seat from the person next to her , with the realisation of just who it was , she felt uncomfortable . Nancy stood to go , but as she did so the large book slid off her lap and onto the ground with a slap . As the Gentleman he was Danny quickly got up to retrieve it for her , its colourful pages were flapping open , he couldn 't help but note their contents . He picked it up and offered it back to the woman and said : " Hey that 's a great book , you should be more careful with the Universe ' . He smiled at her as she tentatively took the book from his hand . Their eyes met and they stared for some seconds at each other . It was then , and only then , that Danny recognised who she was as she had recognized him . His voice trembling , he spoke very softly … ' I 'm sorry , ' I 'm so very sorry ' . They stood there in silence looking at each other . Brad was on his break , he poured himself another cup of black coffee that was always on supply in the back room at his office . From the 45th floor he had a great view of the whole city and could see the huge green area of the city 's park in the distance , much of it shrouded in tall trees . Reaching into his breast pocket he took out his wallet where he kept a photo , it was taken some 6 years ago . It was of the three of them together , Luke was the centre of attention , Brad and Nancy smiling and all hugging each other . As he looked at it he wondered how Nancy was getting along right at that moment , he knew she spent a lot of time at the park it gave her space and time to think . He knew she was having a hard time coming to terms with what had happened , with her loss , both were . How does any parent come to terms with having their heart ripped out and then trying to go on with life ? The fact is you don 't ! All you can do is live with it and struggle on as best you can and just hope that something is going to give you the grace to go forward . Brad was a caring and sensitive man although lately he had isolated himself and his feelings from Nancy . As he looked at the photo he knew that this had to change right away and a pang of conscience came to him for how he 'd let Nancy cope on her own . He determined right then and there that things were not right between them , so he had an idea . Finishing his coffee he then went back to his desk , he picked up the phone and dialled : ' Hi … is that Manfredo 's restaurant ? … Ok , Id ' like to book a table for tonight , for two . ' The manager came back with a reply : ' certainly sir , let me just check the reservations , hold if you will please … yes that 's fine sir , we have a table free at eight . ' … ' Wonderful ! ' , said Brad , ' see you then . ' He put the phone down and thought of Nancy while looking at the view across the city , his eyes homed in on a green area there that was shrouded in trees . One thing that we humans are not very good at , that thing is ' forgiveness ' . To forgive is beautiful it shows humanity , and yet it is so hard to apply . The tendency is to remember our own hurt , to go over and over what some person has done to US . So , we relive it in our minds until it becomes firmly entrenched and cast in stone . No one can force us to forgive another we have to do that from our own free wills and from our hearts . The thing is though no one can expect forgiveness either , we can 't take it for granted , and why should we ? Yet to apply it can heal our own souls as much as it can for the one forgiven , and that 's what 's so remarkable about it , if only we can bring ourselves to do it . I guess it would go a long way in healing society , but there are certain things that just can 't possibly be forgiven , each of us have the right to decide whether we will or won 't . Nancy reached the park gates and was on her way out . Pausing , she thought about the young man she had just left behind , the guy who had brought so much pain into her life . His eyes had been full of something she couldn 't get out of her mind , something she found hard to ignore . A look of someone yearning and in pain deep within themselves , who needed understanding . Nancy turned around and headed back past the fountain and towards the playing fields . Still there , sitting on the park bench , was Danny his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands . Nancy couldn 't help feeling sorry for him as she stood there motionless watching him from behind a tree . Getting up the courage to walk over and speak to him was going to be difficult , but something in her spirit was compelling her on and to go back . Nancy stood before him , but sensing he wasn 't aware of her presence , his head still buried low in his hands , she spoke : ' Have you eaten yet Danny , I mean Lunch ? Do you mind if I sit ? Nancy spoke softly she didn 't want to startle him . He looked up at her his eyes all moist and red as though he had been weeping : ' You came back , but why ? You should hate me . ' Nancy sat down at his side : ' I don 't hate you , but for a time I thought I did , but no I can 't hate you , what good will that do for either of us ? ' She reached into her bag and took out a plastic box , there was a sandwich left over from lunch , she offered it to him : ' Go on eat this and I have an apple for you too ' . Danny hadn 't eaten all day , but something was telling him that he couldn 't accept . Maybe it was his conscience , why should she show kindness to him of all people ? ' No , I can 't accept your kindness , why are you doing this ? It 's not right . ' She quickly replied : ' All I know is that if you don 't eat it , well it 's going in the trash - can when I get home , so you might as well eh ? ' Danny reached out and took the box , opened it and began to eat , ' thanks ' , he said . She poured some coffee into a cup from a flask and set it by his side . ' Tell me about that day ? ' she asked , ' I need to know for my own peace of mind , I guess for my own sanity too . ' Danny was nervous , but she had the right to know . He went on to explain how he never drove through ' Henry Avenue ' , where she lived , that it was a one - off and that he had been late that day for school . How the dog had run out in front of him , just at that moment , followed by Luke chasing him . Nancy reacted to that : ' Yes , Luke loved that dog too much , wherever Bruce went , Luke was sure to follow ' she said regretfully . Glassy eyed Danny turned to her and said : ' But I have a confession to make to you , I was going too fast , I was doing 31 MPH , and I shouldn 't have been ' . Nancy smiled , ' You mean you were going just ONE mile over the speed limit ? And you think that would have made a difference ? How do you know that your speedometer is accurate , I mean few are you know ? ' Danny was bowled over by her reaction and her reasonable forgiving attitude : ' But that one thing could have saved his life , that ONE mile an hour could have made the difference , don 't you see ? ' Nancy sipped her coffee , and replied : ' Danny , how many other factors could we also make mention of that played a part in Luke 's death ? Could we go on all day about the fact that Luke loved his pet dog and at that very moment chased him out into the road ? Perhaps I should have been watching both of them , but I was too busy . So , it could be that it 's ME to blame and not you ? ' Danny couldn 't help thinking that Nancy was some kind of special person . At this moment he knew he had never met anyone like her , that she was kind and forgiving , but at the same time he still had this terrible feeling of guilt . ' Nancy leaned forward putting her hand on his shoulder : ' Look Danny , I was gonna walk out of this park , I was going to leave you alone , I didn 't want to know you . But then I had some sort of light go on in my head , so I came back . I want to say this … the accident wasn 't your fault and you have to get on with your life , we can 't bring Luke back , so you have to forgive yourself . You know as I do that shit happens in this sorry world ? ' Danny couldn 't hold back his emotions any longer and burst into a flood of tears : ' I 'm so sorry , I don 't know how to make it up to you , how will I ever forgive myself for what I did ? ' His sincerity and remorse were plain to see , and Nancy realised that she had to make it better . She answered him firmly : ' You look here Danny Elliott ! I 'm going to tell you how you 're going to make it up to me and Luke as well , in fact to us all . You 're going to forgive yourself right now ! And you can do that knowing one thing ' … she stopped looking into his eyes with their puzzled expression in them . Danny reached into his jacket pocket for a Kleenex to wipe his eyes : ' And what one thing is that ? ' Danny asked . Nancy took him by the shoulders looked him square in the eyes and said : ' That you know that I forgive you that you ARE forgiven for whatever you think you 've done . ' They both embraced each other and cried like no two other wonderful human beings have ever cried before . Yes , to truly forgive is a very beautiful thing . Nancy and Danny spent the next 2 hours talking about their lives . Danny told her how much he missed his father and that he wished he could see him again . That Marie , his Mum , was really making things hard on him . Nancy spoke about Brad and how much he had wanted a son and how long they had waited to have a child , how hard they had tried . Danny even managed to discuss and get across to her his understanding of what he now called his : " Rabbit hole theory " , as his father liked to call it . That perhaps everything that happens has a reason and led to other outcomes , like them talking right now and getting to know each other . She found this enlightening and somehow gave her some solace . It was time to go and Nancy had to get dinner ready in preparation for Brad coming home from the office . They both walked past the fountain on their way out , Nancy paused and reached into her purse taking out two quarters , giving one to Danny . ' Come on ' she said , ' let 's make a wish . They both made their way over , closed their eyes and tossed the coins into the water and then opened them again and watched as the coins sparkled , sinking to the bottom . ' What did you wish for Danny ? ' Nancy asked . ' I made 2 wishes ' , Danny replied . Nancy chuckled , ' But that 's cheating Danny , one coin , one wish . ' Danny opened his hand to show her that he still had her coin left . ' I didn 't cheat Nancy , I used two coins of my own and I still have yours here , look ! I wished that somehow you could have Luke back ' … ' And what was your other wish ? ' She asked . Danny didn 't speak at first , but then sadly said : ' I wished that my father would come back to me . ' But then to change the mood he said : ' And by the way I 'm keeping the quarter you gave me to remember you by ' , he said cheerfully . They reached the exit gate and in parting Nancy spoke : ' Danny Elliott , I want you to know that you are a fine boy , that you have something special about you . That you are intelligent and you are going to make something very fine of yourself , that you are a good person with a good heart and soul . You should always remember this and never forget it . ' By this time Danny was full of smiles and felt a sense of release , he was happy . He shook her hand and said : ' Nancy , if I can call you that ? I want to thank you for helping me feel so much better , you are special too . I can 't express in words how I feel . You are some kind of unique Mum to me , if you know what I mean ? ' They walked away in opposite directions , and then Nancy turned to wave and then called out : ' Hey Danny ! Do you like ice cream ? ' Danny thought for a second and called back : ' For sure I like ice cream , I mean who doesn 't ? But why you ask ? ' Nancy smiled to herself : ' Oh you 'll see , you 'll see , Bye ! ' As Danny walked home he had a constant grin on his face , he was feeling better than he had felt for a long , long time . He couldn 't help saying hello to everyone he passed , even to traffic wardens who he normally disparaged . On arriving home , as was his habit , he threw his keys on the bureau that stood in the hallway by the front door . It was an old piece of quality furniture , something his father had picked up from a house sale down the street . It had 3 tiers of small drawers on either side of a central mirror and since dad had modified it there was a row of brass coat hooks and even a place to put your umbrellas too . Danny took off his denim jacket and hung it up , he was about to go into the kitchen when he noticed the corner of an envelope poking out from under one of the small drawers . He opened the drawer to force the envelope back in , but just then he noticed something written on it : " To Danny Elliott " , yes it was addressed to him and he also recognised the hand writing too . Danny opened the envelope , but there was nothing inside , it had been sent by his father and going by the post mark it had been posted some months ago . Danny 's smile now turned into a firm grimace and he felt his heart rate increasing as his anger grew : ' The rotten cow ! ' , he blurted out loud … ' How the hell could she ! ' Marie , Danny 's mother , was in the garage stacking some empty peanut butter jars on the shelves that ran the length of the wall . So that she could reach up she stood on a step - ladder while steadying herself with one hand on the roof of the Chevvy . Just then Danny burst in through the adjoining door that ran from the kitchen , making Marie jump and nearly falling off the ladder . Two peanut butter jars hit the concrete floor as the glass smashed , scattering under the car : ' Lord ! Now look what you made me do son ! You frightened the shit out of me ! What you wanna do that for ? ' Marie climbed on down , holding her chest while catching her breath from her scare . Danny erupted : ' Where the Hell are they ? ' he demanded , ' Where are what ? ' replied Marie sternly . Danny drew closer to her : ' Don 't play innocent with me mum , you know damn well what I mean , the letters from Dad ! What right do you have to do that , to withhold them from me ? ' Marie knew full well what he was talking about , but pretended to be ignorant : ' Look Danny , I got no idea what you 're talking about , so you better be careful with that big mouth of yours . ' Danny reached into his pocket and took out the screwed up envelope . He straightened it out and then pushing it into her face , with both hands holding each edge , he hollered : ' So , what the hell is this then ? Where ARE Dads letters to me ? You better tell me Mom , and quick ! ' Marie turned on her heels and ran out through the kitchen and then on upstairs , slamming her bedroom door behind her and then locking it . Danny quickly followed , he was not going to let go of the matter . Banging on the door he shouted : ' Mum give me the letters , they belong to me , so hand them over ! ' Marie punched the bed pillow , she was in tears of frustration , they were not tears of sorrow or remorse , but ones of being discovered , of being found out . With bitterness in her voice she called out to him : ' I don 't have them anymore , I threw them away in the trash can . I 'm sorry Danny I truly am ' , but she wasn 't , not at all . Danny stood there trembling with anger and a sense of complete disbelief , of utter injustice that his mother could be so mean , so hateful , not only to him , but also to his father . They say that love is stronger than hate , that in the end love will win out , I 'm not so sure that this is always the case . Because when one 's hate is stronger than their love , then they are destined to a life of obsession unto the grave . In the end hate will have won them over , it will inevitably take its spoils from them … and for Marie the battle to love was indeed lost . Instinctively Danny knew his mother was telling the truth , that she really HAD thrown out the letters , she would not have kept a single one . How sad it is when ones hate is stronger than ones love , even at the cost of hurting one 's own son . Yes , there are those who want their children to hate too , to be just like themselves . It was obvious that Marie was to some degree ill , in some way or another . Brad was putting on his favourite suit and tie while Nancy was taking a shower . Looking at himself in the mirror he called out to her : ' You look happier today Nance , hope you don 't mind me saying so , but I noticed you smiling broadly when you came home . ' She was just rinsing the shampoo out of her hair : ' no , I don 't mind you saying so , but its true I haven 't done much smiling lately , but today was a good day . By the way … its good of you to take me out to dinner tonight , you couldn 't have chosen a better time Brad , thanks so much hunny ' . Brad was struggling tying a knot in his tie , he was never very good at it , he caught his own reflection grinning broadly back at him , brought on by Nancy 's words . He went on : ' We deserve a good night out , and it 's about time we started to live again and had some fun , so I took the chance to book a table at your favourite restaurant . ' Nancy walked into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her waist she kissed him on the cheek and said : ' I 'm so glad you did . ' Brad eventually managed his tie and then winked at himself in the mirror . Nancy put on her sexiest red dress that she hadn 't worn for quite some time . " Swanky " and " classy " are obvious understatements in describing Manfredo 's restaurant , a place you feel so good to be in and somehow so special because of its style and ambience , like you were the only person there being treated like a king or a queen . After a genuine warm welcome from the manager himself , Manfredo , he went on to show the couple to their table and lit the candle that stood in a circle of roses at the centre of the table : ' I shall personally see to your needs tonight , I am at your service as your waiter ' … he said in that distinctive Milanese accent of his : ' Madam , Sir , may I present you with the wine list , I would suggest the 1971 St . Es ' Steph , Bordeaux . Or perhaps you would prefer Italian vino ? ' Brad handed the wine list back to Manfredo without as much as a mere glance at it , and said : ' I know exactly what we want to drink Manfredo , bring me a bottle … err no , a magnum of Champagne , 1957 Dom Perignon , in a bucket with lots of ice . ' Manfredo responded : ' certainly sir , a fine choice if I may say so , at once sir ' . And with the swagger of a good manager he clicked his fingers at two waiters who jumped into action ready and eager to deliver the nectar of the Gods in a Champagne glass . Discreetly , Nancy leaned over the table and whispered into Brad 's ear : ' Brad , you do know that stuff is $ 700 a bottle , don 't you ? And you 've ordered a magnum at that ! ' Brad appeared totally unconcerned and unmoved by her remarks : ' Nance my dear , YOU , we , are worth it , don 't you worry about a single thing . Let 's just enjoy it and relax into our evening together ' . Nancy smiled at him as a tear of joy formed in her eye , she used her napkin to remove it , and Brad smiled back . ' What 's come over you Brad ? ' she asked . ' Oh nothing ' he replied … it 's just that today I realised how lucky I am to have you in my life , and I should have realised it well before ' . Danny was slumped over the couch in the living room trying to make sense of the sounds coming from the TV , but even " The Fonz " was talking garbage to his ears , and that was his favourite TV show too . He was feeling low and after all the happiness he had experienced that day he just couldn 't understand it . ' Sure , shit happens ' he said to himself , ' but not like this , because right now it 's raining shit and it aint gonna stop ! ' He hit the remote switch , the TV dimmed into silence . He needed air so he went outside and sat under the tree that was at the front of the house . He could hear distant voices coming from the down town streets . The voices of kids arguing with their Dads and Mums or siblings . Voices of drug pushers swearing while plying their trade to whoever walked or drove by . The sounds of dogs barking at passing police cars whose sirens blared into the night while some poor schmuck was being mugged of his last few Dollars . After an hour it was getting dark and cold and Danny 's denim jacket was still hanging on the bureau , so a short - sleeved shirt wasn 't gonna cut it to keep him warm . He got up to head back inside , but just then he noticed his mother peering at him from the bedroom window with a worried look on her face . Danny stopped and looked up at her , he motioned with a gesture of his hand for her to open the window , and she did so leaning out slightly on the window sill . Danny spoke softly his anger had subsided somewhat : ' Mum , I know you hate Dad , I think that 's plain to see , but I know it 's not in HIS heart to hate you back , that 's because I know him too well . What you need to know is that I love him , he 's my Father . Whatever passed between you is for you and he to deal with , but for you to do what you did with his letters is hard to forgive . I 'll always love you Mum , but you got to know that I need to love Dad too . You hear me ? ' Marie answered : ' Ok son , I hear you , but it 's going to be hard for me to cope with , and memories linger a long time . I guess I have to work on forgiving your Dad , for your sake at least ' . Then she eased the window handle up tight again closing out the cold night air . Danny went back into the garage to clear up the glass that was on the floor and under the car . He took a broom and started cleaning the mess up , but couldn 't quite reach under the Chevvy . He took hold of the car keys that were hanging from a hook and opened the door with one , and then started her up with another . He reversed the car towards the garage door behind , now he could get at the broken glass beneath . Just as he was getting out he thought he 'd put on the car radio , so he reached over and turned the knob and the whole radio lit up green , with that warm contented glow you get in the background . He tuned it in until he got to a familiar sound , Jim Reeves , singing " Make the world go away " . He sang along to the sad song and as he did so he opened the glove box just to see what was there . Amongst the old broken head light bulbs and discarded cigarette packets he found a slip of paper , it was a note from his Father that he had secreted there the day he left , Danny had no idea of its existence until that moment . He opened it up and with great interest he began to read : " Dear son , I hope you find this , I figured the best place to leave it was in the Chevvy , Mum always hated the car , so she won 't look here . I 'm not leaving you son , but I just got to leave your momma . Things don 't always work out the way we want them to , you know that Danny . Like I always said , Life is like a " Rabbit hole " and who knows which way the tunnels will run , depends on the universe we are in and the choices we all make I guess . I promise to write you every week , you can be sure of that son , look out for my letters . We 'll make plans to meet and maybe go to the ball game and then burgers after , eh Son ? I 'm sorry for leaving I knew it was gonna happen someday . But know this for sure Danny … I love you with all my heart and soul , I will always be here for you , no matter what you are told , you must know that by now . Tell Marie I 'm sorry , maybe one day she will forgive me and we can talk , maybe over a coffee and a cigarette , give her my love if you can . Mind how you go now in that car of yours . One day we will head for the beach in the old heap , just you and me . See you soon my boy , all my love to you son , From Dad . " Danny was up early he hadn 't slept to well , he made himself some coffee and brought some up to his mum , along with some toast , she was still fast asleep , a rarity for Marie because of late she was always up first . The phone rang , Danny picked it up , thinking who it could be at this God forsaken hour : ' Hello , Danny Elliott speaking ' who is that ? ' A soft female voice whispered back into his ear : ' Danny , it 's me , Nancy , sorry for ringing at this early time , but I hoped I 'd get you and not your mother , I guess I was right in my hunch ' . Danny was pleased to hear from her again and didn 't seem to mind the hour at all : ' It 's ok Nancy mum is still asleep , good to hear from you ' . Just then the paper boy rode past on his bike and threw the " Weekly Gazette " onto the front porch . ' I was wondering if you 'd like to meet up in town for a coffee or something later on , I have something I want to say to you , something good ' . Danny agreed and wanted to confide in her anyway about the letters he hadn 't been getting from his dad , and wondered what advice she might give him on the issue . ' Ok Nancy , see you at 2 pm , I 'll look forward to it , bye ' . Danny opened the front door to retrieve the newspaper , letting in the cold early morning air , it made him shiver . He picked up the paper , quickly closing the door . There on the door mat was a small pile of letters , the early morning postman had made his delivery . Looking through them there was mostly bills and circulars , and then to his delight there was one that had his name on it , he knew it was from his father . Now he realised why his mother had not gotten up so early today , what was the point ? She knew the game was up , so , no point in being the first to pick up the mail from the mat today eh ? He thought to himself . He went back into the warmth of the living room and sat down on the sofa to read his letter : I hope you are ok and doing well . I just heard about what happened to you with the car some time ago , I read about it in the papers and about that poor kid . I aint judging you for that , I know that it wasn 't your fault and it could have happened to anyone . I know that this is not really a welcoming start to my letter to talk about this , but I just wanted you to be sure that you knew I wouldn 't be making judgments over an accident that couldn 't be helped . So , don 't be thinking that I got you condemned , you know me better than that son , I hope this puts your mind at rest . But I guess it 's gonna dwell on your mind , being the sensitive kid that you are . Those " Rabbit holes " can run where ever they like son , remember that , so try to forgive yourself . I get the impression you aren 't getting my mail because if you had I know for sure you would have written back to me , I 'm not even sure if you 'll be reading this one either , I have to trust to luck on that score . I 'm praying that you are ok and that you are doing well at school , I hope so son . You know I love you and we are close , so don 't think you won 't be ever seeing me again , you will ! By the way , you 'll have to change the oil soon on the Chevvy , it 's about time . Get the good stuff and make sure you get the right filter : Part no 7401678 filter type , if you know what I mean ? Ok son you take care now . See you soon , I promise . Love from Dad " Danny was relieved that his dad knew about the accident and had wondered what he would think to him . He was worried about the shame of it all but he needn 't have worried it was off his chest now . He read the letter again and again , and after a while he became puzzled at his dad reminding him about the oil change , especially the filter type , as though he wouldn 't know about that himself , he thought it was kind of funny ? Danny had a good supply of oil filters already and his dad knew that , because they 'd bought a dozen or so of them when they saw them cheap on offer down at the motor mart , enough to keep the car going for years . Danny put it out of his mind and was content that at last he had managed to at least receive one letter before his mother intercepted it . He had one up on her in that . Just then Marie came down the stairs and into the living room , dressed in a green night - gown . She immediately saw the pile of letters on the coffee table where Danny had left them , all except one that is . She spoke : ' I guess you got your Pa 's letter this time eh ? ' Danny smiled at her : ' Yep , I sure did , and I 'm going to get all the rest he sends from now on , cause I 'm going to be first up in future , so you might as well take a good long lie in mom ' . Marie sighed , she knew she was beaten and there would be no point in playing a cat and mouse game with her own son : ' Ok son , you win , I promise I won 't ever take your letters again , you have my word . Danny stood up and walked over to her : ' I appreciate that Mum , but that don 't excuse what you did , I guess I 'm going to have to forgive you ' . He gave her a small kiss on the cheek and said : ' There 's more coffee on the stove if you want it . By the way , I 'm going into town later on ' . Nancy was already seated and had a hot chocolate placed before her on the table brought by the waitress . " Drisscolls " was a regular haunt for many people in the town , for those who prized drinking real ground coffee and for sipping fine old brews of China tea . It was the kind of place where old friends would meet and somehow gave them that old world charm comfort , reassuring and homely . A place that also specialised in wonderful arrays of ice creams , with as many toppings that your heart could desire , and kids loved coming there too , obviously so . The perfect place to put anyone at rest and Nancy was sure that it would do the same for Danny . A warm Sun was out and a pleasant change from the miserable cold start of the morning . Danny was again his cheerful self , even after all that he had been through the days before . It was a relief to him that matters were getting settled and so he was in a good frame of mind to be meeting with Nancy . He walked in and greeted Nancy warmly , taking the seat opposite to her at her invitation . ' You ok Danny ? ' she asked , He replied : ' I wasn 't so good yesterday , but I got a letter from Dad today , so I guess it 's cheered me up a little , a lot in fact ' . Nancy attracted the waitress 's attention : ' What you having Danny ? ' He looked at the deep froth on the hot chocolate that was already on the table : ' I think that looks good , I 'll have what you 're having ' , Nancy ordered the same again . ' Ok , so what 's this you want to tell me , " something good " so you said on the phone this morning ' ? The waitress carefully set the drink by Danny 's elbows that were resting on the table . ' Sure , ' Nancy replied … ' I 'm not sure if I should tell you this , but I don 't want you to worry about what I 'm going to tell you right now ' . Danny gave a slight look of concern : ' I thought you said it was something good ! ' . Nancy sipped her drink wiping some froth from her lips : ' I assure you Danny , it is good , though at first you might think it 's not , but I can assure you it is ' . Danny was beginning to think that this sounded like some kind of conundrum or riddle . ' Ok , out with it then , I 'm curious , just out with it ! ' The sun was beaming in through an open window and in turn onto Nancy 's face it lit her countenance up as though she was an angel of light . ' Ok , but don 't speak till I have finished Danny ok … Brad and I went out for a meal the other night and we talked about what has happened to us , how we have had to pull through this and get on with our lives . He really opened up and we began to understand each other more than we ever have before . Getting to the point , I told him that you and I had met at the park and talked about Luke and how the accident happened . ' Danny wasn 't sure where Nancy was heading with this he was itching to interrupt her . She went on : ' Anyway at first Brad would have gladly seen you run down by a bus Danny , that was how he felt towards you while he was still in shock and anger at what had happened to our dear son . In time I think he has managed to come to terms with it though and the way the accident occurred . At our meal the other night I was able to convince him of this further and that you had been forgiven by me personally and that you were not to blame , that I thought that you were a decent guy . I thought at first Brad would be fuming that I had spoken with you Danny , that I had even seen you , but I was wrong . Brad is more of a man than I realised . The point is Danny … he wants to meet with you , if you are willing that is . ' Danny couldn 't believe his ears ; he would have not believed that this mother before him could have ever been this gracious to him either , until he met her that is . Danny felt his emotions rising and began to think that he didn 't really deserve all this . After all he had inadvertently been partly responsible for taking a child away from two loving parents . ' I 'm not sure Nancy , what if it goes wrong and Brad see 's something bad in me that you don 't see , perhaps he might lose it ? ' Nancy smiled wryly : " Danny Elliott you haven 't a bad bone in your body , I knew that after 5 minutes of talking to you in the park , there is nothing bad in you to see , that 's what I think , so stop putting yourself down ! ' Danny had quickly come to trust Nancy and was prepared to take a chance and on second thoughts he knew he had little right to deny Brad , after all Luke had been his son and maybe he had things to say to him at their meeting : ' Ok , I 'm not so sure , but I 'll give it a go , but be it upon your head Nancy and not mine . When do we meet anyway ? ' Nancy gave a huge grin of relief and then said in reply : When do you meet ? Well now I would say in the next 2 seconds because he 's sitting right behind you ' . Brad turned around in his chair and gently placed his hand upon Danny 's shoulder : ' I 've heard all about you Danny , and I 'm very pleased to meet you ' . He held his hand out for Danny to shake : ' Danny I don 't want you to worry about a thing , ok ? Let 's talk shall we ? ' Danny 's father , Dougie , had found a new place to live , be it only in a modest apartment building on the 2nd floor , this was just 20 miles down the road from where he lived before with Danny and Marie . He had also found himself a new job as a mechanic , For 30 years he had worked as an engineer at the same company , but was recently forced to take redundancy due to cut backs in staffing . Hence the step down the ladder to a mechanics job and on less pay , but this was a job he knew well and found easy , but interesting to carry out . He hadn 't worked there too long just 2 months , but had established a good rapport with the owner , Clarence , who knew of his circumstances and how he was missing his son . At the moment Dougie found himself up to his elbows in axle grease , he was under a 1978 Lincoln sedan endeavouring to change the prop shaft and axle housing , which had cracked . Clarence was busy working on the engine of a Lexus LS 400 , as the pistons rings had burnt out and needed replacing . He kept interrupting Dougie to ask for advice , because these Japanese cars were a world away from your average American Chrysler or Ford , cars that Clarence knew well like the back of his hand , but Dougie had a broader knowledge of most cars , wherever on the planet they were manufactured . ' So I need to contact Toyota for these Lexus parts ? ' asked Clarence . Dougie wiped the grease from his hands with a rag and replied : ' Yes , look them up in the book I 'm sure there is a dealer somewhere within 50 miles of here , they might deliver too ' . Clarence went to his small untidy make shift office to make the call , he then went back to what he was doing . Ten Minutes later the phone rang and instantly Dougie sprang out from under the car he was working on , and raced over to answer it : ' Yes , Dougie Elliott speaking , who is this ? … Oh I see , Toyota calling back ? ' Dougie hollered to Clarence to let him know that Toyota was returning his call , Clarence came over and took it , hanging up the receiver after finishing . He then walked back over the oily garage floor to get back to the job in hand , as he did so he paused for a moment : ' You expecting a phone call Dougie ? ' asked Clarence , ' never seen you move so quickly , like a greyhound out of its trap ' . Dougie hesitated before he answered : " err , well no not exactly , just thought that one was for me , err that 's all ' . Clarence looked puzzled : ' Since when have you ever received a call to here Doug ? you expecting a call from your new lover then ? ' Clarence laughed and went back to working on the Lexus . Brad and Danny were getting on like a house on fire and this confirmed Nancy 's suspicions that they would , she was thrilled that they were able to communicate so freely . ' So Danny , we want you to know that Nancy and I want you to get on with your life and put this whole thing behind you , I can 't hold what happened against you and I refuse to do so , and especially not against a pleasant modest guy like you . ' Danny felt deeply humbled by his words and moved by their sentiments : ' I don 't know what to say to you both , I can 't find the words to say thank you enough for releasing me from those feelings of guilt . How can you be so kind and generous ? I guess you must be genuine people and you have really put me to shame ' . Brad had ordered some fresh drinks and some donuts ; they appeared fresh from the deep fryer , the three of them tucked into them with gusto . ' So , Danny , we want you to ring us whenever you want , and come to the house whenever you want , you 're family now , that 's right isn 't it Nancy ? ' Nancy responded : ' Sure , you can come for tea as if you were our own son and we can be like your second Ma and Pa , if that 's ok with you Danny ' . Danny was licking the sugar from his lips : ' I would like that very much , but just one thing , I don 't mind having a second dad , but you have to know that no one can ever replace my real dad , as long as you know that ' . Brad realised that they had strayed onto sensitive ground here : ' That was thoughtless of me Danny , I know that you are close to your father , I take that back , and your right , no one can replace the father you love , no one ! ' . Danny took from his pocket the letter he got from his father early that morning and passed it to Brad to read and then onto Nancy . On reading it both were moved , Nancy spoke up : ' Your Father sounds like a really caring and thoughtful man , he obviously loves you greatly . I guess he 's saying that you 're going to be part of his life no matter what . And by the sound of it he 's coming to see you and soon ' . Danny put the letter on the table : ' Yes I get that too , but I don 't know where he is or how to get to him . I just can 't figure out the oil filter business he goes on about . He knows I don 't need any , that I got plenty to keep the car running for fifty years ' . Brad took the letter in his hand once again , but this time scrutinized it closely . After a moment or two he said : ' This aint right Danny , I mean this long part number for the oil Filter ? No oil filter has that many numbers . I should know I work in an office that deals with classifications and how manufactures allocate patterns and codes to productions ' . Danny quickly grabbed the letter back … ' Sorry Brad , ' he again noted the invented part number , Brad was right it didn 't make sense . He then realised what his dad was trying to say because he wrote straight after the part number the words : " if you know what I mean ? " At this moment the waitress came over enquiring if they wanted anything else . Danny quickly answered her : ' Yes , do you have a phone I can use please , its urgent ' . The waitress said : Not normally , but I 'll ask the manager for you , just wait a moment ' . And in no time at all the waitress had managed to get the phone cable to reach to the front of house putting it on the counter . Enthusiastically Danny rose to his feet and ran over to the counter , followed by Brad and Nancy . Danny took the phone and dialled 7401678 ; the number rang and continued for some time , but no one answered . Dougie had washed his hands and face and had eventually succeeded in removing the ingrained grease with a scrubbing - brush and had taken off his dirty overalls and changed into his other cloths . He had said goodnight to Clarence , while he was switching off the garage lights to close up , Dougie said that he would see him early in the morning . Dougie climbed into his car put the key in the ignition and turned it , but it wouldn 't start , it was cold . Eventually the Mustang growled into life , Dougie selected first gear and began to drive away , spluttering and chugging . He had only covered a hundred yards or so when suddenly the engine stalled . ' Damn Car ! ' Dougie remonstrated … ' why are you always like this when you 've been stood cold all day ? ' as if the Mustang could answer him back . He restarted it , Just as the engine was warming up and Dougie was about to drive away again , an out of breath Clarence appeared at his screen . He began to mouth something at him ; Dougie wasn 't clear what he was trying to say beyond the noise of the engine . He wound the window down : ' There 's a phone call for you Dougie ' … Clarence shouted at the top of his voice … ' and by the sound of it it 's not that new lover of yours either . ' Dougie rammed the car onto reverse letting the clutch up and screeching the tyres , a black stream of smoke stormed into the air . He missed crashing through the locked garage doors behind by only a matter of millimetres . ' This Is Dougie Elliott speaking , is that you Danny ? ' " Yes it is , Dad " came the excited reply . Danny had his father come over to meet with them at " Drisscolls " cafe ; he arrived with a beaming smile on his face . Danny ran over to him and embraced him warmly and then introduced him to his friends , Brad and Nancy . They sat there talking as if they had all been good pals for years , laughing and slapping each other on the back . Nancy asked for silence : ' This calls for a celebration , don 't you think so brad ? ' And came back the reply : ' Sure does Nancy , go for it ! ' Nancy once again called for the waitress : " we 'd like four Luke special ice creams with all the toppings please and don 't forget the cherry brandy sauce ' . Danny looked at his father with tears in his eyes and his father looked back with tears in his . They all embraced each other as good friends and continued to celebrate with ice cream , all downed in honour of Luke a child that was so very special and yet in his death had brought about so much goodness in people . Dougie took from his brief case a bundle of letters all tied up with purple ribbon and handed them over to Danny : ' I kept copies son and I knew I would have to , just so you would know how much I love you . And just so you know that the " rabbit hole " can appear wherever it chooses and that maybe out there in the big huge universe people exactly like us are making the right choices , but then again maybe not . For who knows that down the Rabbit Hole maybe another Luke or the same Luke is happy and playing in his tree house with his pet dog ? This entry was posted in Uncategorized by Paul D Manning . Bookmark the permalink . 7 thoughts on " " The Rabbit Hole " . By Paul Manning . " Dakota 's Page on April 25 , 2013 at 10 : 36 am said :

It was Halloween , the year of 2012 , and little toddlers and elementary school kids paraded the sidewalk of Mystery Avenue in little princess , pirate , or witch costumes . Some of the older children dared to walk up the chipped brick steps of number thirteen only to squeak with fright and hurry back to their calling parents . This was because number thirteen was rumored to be unlucky , haunted . No one had lived in it in years . Now the house had boarded windows , an overgrown yard , and a For Sale sign that had been there for the last fifteen years . Many neighbors had seen perspective buyers come and go , screaming that they had heard voices in the house , or seen ghosts , that was why everyone who lived on mystery Avenue was surprised when the sign in front of the house read Sold . The Easton 's family rumbled into the driveway of their new home . The moving truck screeched to a stop right behind them . The crisp autumn air whipped their hair as Mr . and Mrs . Easton stepped out of the car and grabbed boxes of picture frames and kitchen supplies . They were both excited to have a home in the " big city " as they called it . But Charlie had other thoughts about their new home . No one had ever asked him what he thought about moving , nobody asked him what he wanted to do . But , like his parents had told him whenever he complained , he had to make the best of it , so Charlie put a forced smile on his face and hurried to the door of number thirteen Mystery Avenue , his new home . Charlie sat down on the front steps . What day was it again ? Charlie wondered vaguely . Then he remembered the date , October 31 , 2013 . He had almost forgotten it was Halloween , not that it mattered to him , Charlie had stopped trick - or - treating years ago . Charlie sat on the doorstep some more and watched some kids walk by hand in hand with other trick - or - treaters or with their parents . The odd thing was , that everyone who walked by their house seemed to avoid it , or look up at it in fear . Charlie even saw two women mutter darkly to each other when they passed . Ignoring this , he went inside to help get the house set up . Charlie poked around a little and found his parents ' bedroom , but no other . Puzzled , Charlie looked down the stairs into the basement , and saw two movers setting his bed in a corner of it . He was sleeping in the basement ? He had not agreed to sleep with old rugs leaning against the wall , moldy ice - skates with rats living in them , and a washing machine that clanked and groaned like a ghoul . But as his parents had said , he would have to make the best of it because he couldn 't do anything about it now . That night , after a dinner of cold soup , Charlie went to his bedroom , well basement . He was so tired from helping his dad lift furniture , and hanging up pictures , he had decided to go to bed early . That was when he noticed the door . It was about two feet high , and stood near the bottom of the stairs ; a ray of moonlight fell across the old wooden surface . Intrigued , Charlie turned the handle , locked . Making a mental note to ask his parents about it in the morning , he fell into a restless sleep , dreaming twisted dreams of locked doors and of the two old women muttering to each other about his new house , thirteen Mystery Avenue . What Charlie didn 't know was that behind that door was another world , called Arcannon . There , the king had just been killed by Pravus , the Dark Lord . Now Pravus was in charge , wreaking havoc . He was terrorizing villagers by day , and ordering the Child Snatcher to steal children for him by night . All the mothers were worried that their children would be next . But the mothers didn 't have to worry anymore , Pravus had a new goal . Ever since he had discovered a fascinating place called Earth , Pravus wanted to own it . Create more terror , become more powerful . He had spent years creating portals into this new and exciting world , seeking out sorcerers that could bewitch these portals to look like innocent locked doors , to hide what was really there . A door to the world of Arcannon . Pravus was in the throne room . He was bored ; drumming his fingers on the armrest of his chair . Just then , the door squeaked open and his messenger scurried to the throne , tripping over his feet all the while . What a fool , thought Pravus , he can 't even put one foot in front of the other . The messenger gasped , catching his breath , and then bowed so low that his long nose nearly touched the carpet . " Ah , very good . " said Pravus . His voice was much softer and there was unmistakable delight in it . Pravus had wanted to see the Child Snatcher for quite some time . He had an important job for him . His arms were as thick as logs , with muscles the size of bowling balls . He was bald except for a mustache that was a tangled mass of hair and pieces of food that had gotten stuck there . His eyes were strange . One was black , and the other bright blue . He wore a black cloak with a red sash , the uniform of a kidnapper . When people in the town saw him in this uniform , they fled to their houses . Looking anxiously into the street from behind closed shutters until the Child Snatcher was a block away . The Child Snatcher loved being feared . Like Pravus , he had the ability to scare people just by looking at them . Pravus leaned close to the Child Snatcher and said , " I was disappointed with my rewards from your last job , I feel as though I was underpaid . " His voice was getting soft and dangerous , like a venomous snake about to bite . Pravus gulped . The Child Snatcher nodded matter of factly and strode down the long carpet to the door . He opened it , and disappeared with a swish of his cloak . Pravus sighed with relief . The Child Snatcher scared even him sometimes . Pravus made his way to the tavern . He walked swiftly through dark alleyways and dirty streets . A stray cat slinked around in the trash , and an owl hooted in the distance . Soon he could see the harbor . The usual lights from fishing boats were not there , Pravus wasn 't surprised . Ever since he had risen to power , people didn 't like to go out after dark , especially on the scariest day of the year , October 31st . Finally Pravus was at the tavern . Lights were shining brightly in the windows , and a crooked sign on the door said : Tavern , keep out strangers . Nonsupporters of Pravus are not welcome . All the burglars and criminals of Arcannon went to the tavern . It was always very busy , Pravus slipped through the door without being noticed . The Child Snatcher sat at the bar sipping from a large , dirty glass . Pravus wove through the large crowd of noisy people to the bar where the Child Snatcher was sitting . " Follow me . " Pravus said . And , making sure the bartender wasn 't looking ; Pravus led the Child Snatcher to a small broom closet that held extra supplies . A mouse scuttled away as Pravus opened the door . " I have been working on this for years . I need you to keep this a secret , and never tell anyone . " Pravus began . " Closer than you think , is a portal to Earth . " The Child Snatchers ' eyes narrowed suspiciously . Many people had tried unsuccessfully to make portals into this strange new place , it was impossible . Was Pravus tricking him ? Pravus pulled a ruffled looking quill from his pocket , and on a cabinet that looked quite ordinary , he scrawled the letter P on the aged wood . To the Child Snatcher 's surprise the letter glowed brightly , and the cabinet swung off the wall to reveal a door , about two feet high . Pravus said Charlie jerked awake with a start . He didn 't know what had woken him . He scanned around the room , his eyes wandered past the little door . His heart was pounding . He was sure he had seen the doorknob turn . Leo made it to the top of the stairs and paused , trying to catch his breath . He listened : nothing . No one was following him - not now , anyway . He had run the whole way home from school again . The kids who chased him usually stopped at the Fire Station , but today they kept running , yelling after him as he tried to get away . Even worse , they were all wearing masks because today was Halloween , his least favorite day of the year . He would 've loved to stay home tonight , but if he did , his dad would want to know why his eleven - year old son was too afraid to go out on Halloween . Leo hadn 't even told him about those kids from school yet . It was too embarrassing . All of a sudden , he noticed something out of the corner of his eye : a brown paper bag , sitting in front of his apartment door . Weird . Why was it there ? Maybe one of those kids had gotten there ahead of him and left it . His stomach began to churn at the thought of what might be inside the bag . Then he saw that neighbor lady , Mrs . Noga , watching him from her doorway down the hall . Their eyes met and she shut her door . Old people were nervous like that , he thought , but who was he to talk ? He was chased home from school every day ! His attention shifted back to the bag . If he called his dad about it , what would he say ? " Hey , Dad , there 's a paper bag in front of our apartment door , but I 'm too afraid to look inside " ? And if he just left it there , some trick - or - treater might open it and find … something awful . Leo knew what he had to do . He approached the door , unlocked it , and nudged the bag inside as he stepped in . It certainly didn 't smell like something awful . It smelled delicious . Curiosity and hunger got the best of him . He bent down and cautiously opened the bag … Anna waited , peering through a sliver of opening in her doorway - sitting , because her knees ached when she stood for too long . She listened for the sound of the boy - Leon ? Leo ? - the one who usually came thumping up the apartment stairs about this time every afternoon . The boy and his father were nice people - they had helped her once or twice , moving some boxes and changing the battery in her smoke detector . She wished the boy would hurry up and come home because not everyone in this world was nice . Sooner or later , some hoodlum would come along and swipe that bag she 'd left him outside his door . Either that or one of those trick - or - treaters … Anna hated Halloween . All she wanted was to be left alone , but it was impossible when gangs of kids came banging on your door all night , begging for candy . October 31st was hard enough as it was . Her beloved Josef had died a year ago on this very day . Don 't be afraid . Those had been Josef 's last words to his wife before he died , but how could she not be afraid ? She was alone now . Completely alone . Since then , she had become a shut - in , a reclusive old lady who rarely left her apartment . She had lost a husband , but fear had replaced him as her companion . And then yesterday , a strange thing had happened . Out of nowhere , Anna had decided to make a batch of brownies . It was an odd thing to do considering the fact she didn 't even like brownies , but Josef had . They had been his favorite . When they were done baking , Anna realized how foolish she had been . She had no one to give them to . That 's when she thought of the little boy down the hall … Thump , thump , thump ! Thump ! Good . He was finally home . Anna would watch for a little while longer and then close the door before he noticed her . She didn 't want him to know who left the bag : charity was best when it was anonymous . Then the boy turned his head and looked down at the bag resting at his doorstep . His expression changed and Anna thought he looked uneasy , afraid . Before she could understand his reaction , he was looking at her . She shut the door immediately . Brownies . No note attached , but they were just brownies . The smell of them enveloped Leo . He badly wanted to pour himself a glass of milk and devour one - maybe two - of those wonderful - smelling brownies , but what if they were poisoned ? … Leo heard something . " Dad ? ! " he called out . He was sure he 'd heard it , but his dad wasn 't due home for another hour . With more than a little panic in his step , he took a quick walk - through of the apartment , just in case . Kitchen , living room , bathroom , both bedrooms : all clear . He went back to the bag of brownies . Then he heard it again - a voice , but not his father 's . Had one of those kids from school gotten into the apartment somehow ? This was too much for Leo , especially on Halloween . A cold trickle of sweat ran down his spine and he shivered . " Don 't be afraid , " said the voice . Leo couldn 't breathe . Two blocks from home and stuck at a red light ! What if Leo was hurt ? Matt didn 't like his eleven - year old coming home to an empty apartment every day , but this was how it had to be for now . At least until he got that promotion . If he got it … At long last , he pulled into the parking lot and scrambled up the staircase as though his life depended on it . Or Leo 's . Panting , he fumbled with his keys , calling out his son 's name until he finally burst through the door . " LEO ! " he hollered , but the only sound that met him was the echo of his own voice . And then , abruptly , it was over . Leo 's voice , unmistakable , out in the hallway . Suddenly , Matt could breathe again . He raced to the door and opened it , finding Leo . The boy seemed to be having a conversation with someone , but when Matt checked the hallway , no one else was there . " Where were you ? " Matt demanded . " I 've been calling for an hour ! " He hated getting angry with the boy , who had already been through so much in the past year . Leo hesitated . There was so much to tell his father : about those kids from school , and the voice in the apartment which , at first , he had believed to be his father 's . After talking with Mrs . Noga , he had decided to tell his dad about all of it - even the hard parts - but later , not then . " Dad , " he finally said . " Do you believe in ghosts ? " Matt 's throat tightened and his eyes began to burn . He 's talking about his mother . " Good ghosts … yeah , absolutely . Do you believe in them ? " " Absolutely , " answered the boy . " Dad , did you know that Mrs . Noga 's husband died last year ? " Matt shook his head . " She made me brownies today . " He smiled , pointing to the paper bag on the counter . " They were Josef 's idea . You want one ? " pumpkin soup and the traditional pumpkin stories play . The villager 's favorite story was the first event . It was called " The Farmer 's Misfortune " and it went like this : One day , one awful day , a farmer grew the most awful pumpkin ever seen . He had been cursed by a witch , and now instead of a green thumb , he possessed an unlucky thumb . The pumpkin rotted within a day and the bad luck resided in the stem . The farmer could let it rot and have the pumpkin stench cause everyone to move away , or cut the stem and let the bad luck escape . One day , the stem was snapped by a rake ripping it open . That instant a face grew onto the pumpkin , exactly like the farmer 's face and his disappeared ! It grew a hooded cloak for a body and a steed materialized . The farmer 's face turned orange , his hair grew into a green stem and his body turned into brown roots . He sunk into the ground . It just happens that his wife ran outside and said " Jack ! " for that was his name and then said " Oh ! " and saw the pumpkin filled with light . The youngest child ran out and said " Lantern ! " and now pumpkins with faces were henceforth known as " Jack - o - lanterns " . As for the cursed pumpkin rider , he roams the countryside appearing on Halloween whenever a Jack - o - lantern is lit . You are transformed if he touches the pumpkin when you do . You are spared only when you hold a " Pumpkin Festival " in his name . So hold a festival before it 's too late ! ! ! Back in the eighteen hundreds there was a girl , Cassy . One thing about Cassy was , no one ever got to know her . She was boarding the Wanderer . It was a stormy day , all the clouds were full of storm . That night Cassy woke up chained to the mast . Screaming and shrieking , the captain came . Cassy took a quick sigh of relief , then when she saw the captain she gasped . Soon as she had looked she wished she hadn 't . The captain 's own face was see through ! Then he shook the mast till Cassy fell . He picked up Cassy and whispered to her ' ' Never say a word of this . ' ' Cassy nodded and ran off to her room . That morning Cassy and the other five crew members were doing their daily swim . Just then the most feared creature of the ocean came lurking along [ a shark ] . Well Cassy was on the dock drying off . Right when she turned around all she saw was about the amount of blood in two human bodies ! And then she realized three of the crew members had been eaten . That left them with Cassy and the rest of the crew members . That night , there was a terrible storm . Cassy woke up and wanted to go on the deck . The waves were so high , Cassy started jumping up and down because she was so happy to see the waves . Two seconds later , she was drowning in the water . The next day the ghost of Cassy had found her way onto the Wanderer . She got into the captain 's lounge and drove around , full speed and went in circles . Two crew members fell off the boat , Cassy on the other hand just wanted revenge so she just snickered . That second Cassy took the boat to the middle of the ocean and then went to the deck , got a harpoon and flew to the captain and shot it through his head . That meant Cassy had murdered three innocent human beings . Cassy ran all the way to the harpoon shelf and grabbed the last one . She jumped underwater and shot a hole in the Wanderer . We were always afraid as we walked by the old shack in the woods when I was a boy . It was scary any time of year , but especially around Halloween . History had it that back in 1942 Mr Myers hung himself inside and has haunted the place ever since . He 'd come back from a tour in the US Air Force and found out his betrothed gal had given her heart to someone else . Poor guy just couldn 't take it . The house itself was creepy . When the moon reflected on it at night , it looked like someone was inside . The shutters were sometimes drawn and sometimes open , but we figured homeless folk or kids gathered there and did it . One night on Halloween we took shelter in this old shack . It may have been creepy but we needed to get out of the quick storm that had picked up and sent driving rain down sideways and a whirl of wind that almost knocked us down . Drenched to the skin , we hurried inside and held onto one another for safety as well as support from the winds . If not for that storm , I know I would never have been inside that place . Ty was older , and wiser , and told us the old legends were just that , legends that were made up to scare the locals . I don 't know . I do know we saw a few odd things in there - there was a wooden box shaped like a casket in the basement , set in a hole in the wall that looked like it may have once been a hidden door . We didn 't dare touch it to see if anything was inside . There was also a kitchen table , all wrought iron and formica , and set on It there had been 2 dirty glasses of some red substance in them - Ty said Tomato Juice , but as I thought " Bloody Marys " , the thought came : BLOOD . No , I told myself . Calm down . Suddenly we heard creaking sounds in the attic . Or was that the basement ? Oh . Oh . Our eyes were wide with fear . We heard what I swear was a cough and a sputter and hack - but I was on my feet and out the door before I could determine any more . It sounded like the dead , not like anything living , and I didn 't even wait for the other two guys . I just ran as fast as I could , coward or not . I ran all the way home and lay on my bed to catch my breath without even drying off . I must have dozed off . I awoke to a tap - tap - tapping noise . I looked around , and it was still night . I heard the tapping was coming from the window when more tapping came . I looked up and could not believe what I saw - it was Ty . He was suspended in the air outside my window , pale as could be ( and Ty was not fair skinned ) and just floating there tapping like he wished to get in . His lips were blood red . I screamed so loud my mother came upstairs , and I must have scared Ty away . She said I must have been dreaming , and asked me what had happened . I wouldn 't say . Later we got a call from Ty 's parents that really creeped me out . He never made it home . In fact the police had suspended a search for him and there was a private search that had yielded nothing , not even a clue . Everyone knew Ty didn 't run away but the police say it was a possibility . I never said anything . And I never saw my friend again . And never went near that old Myers place either . By now it must have fallen down or been torn down , but no one ever saw or heard from Ty again . It was a nice , crisp , sunny fall day . I could feel the dirty ground below me . I could smell the apples that were growing on the trees nearby . I was happy just relaxing and laying in the sun . All of the sudden I felt warm hands on me . They flipped me over side to side , and tossed me all around . Then I felt them lift me into the air . I felt sick on the bumpy ride as I bounced and rolled around . I was taken from my home and brought to a strange place . I felt the cold hard cement underneath me . I was scared . I heard the owls hoot and the dogs bark . Night after night I sat cold and alone . A knife went through my skin . Again and again , I felt the knife stab through every part of me , destroying me . I felt my insides being torn and scraped out . Then Fire . I felt the warmth , I could smell the burning . This was the end ! Please don 't set me on fire I thought . Someone help ! I can 't take it any longer ! But wait ! The fire lit a light inside of me . And then , I could see ! I had eyes ! And a nose ! And a mouth with a smile ! I saw children smiling back at me . This was not the end ! This is wonderful I thought ! So why was I here ? Right , I was the one with the video camera and who owed a favor . And as every friend knows , once you owe a favor there is no backing out . " I 'm pulling the favor card now . What for , you may ask ? I never got paid back for the lunch money you borrowed the other day . " " Jade , sometimes it 's better to be faster than cold molasses . Not slower . Like when we are about to prove that the cornfield is haunted . Besides , this ghost only comes around once a year , so unless you want me calling again in a year then I suggest you be faster next time . " At long last she burst , telling us everything she knew about the place . " I haven 't told you guys why the place is haunted yet , have I ? Anyways , back in the 1990 's a couple of kids decided it would be a good idea to have a bonfire , booze and drugs included . In short , only 5 of the 6 survived , though with terrible burn wounds . They managed to burn down about half of the cornfield before the fire was put out . As for the one that died , his body was never recovered , although it is speculated that the body was never fully burned . To this day , he comes to wreak vengeance on whoever dares disturb his vigilante . " Jay finally spoke . " What , have revenge for his own stupidity ? And what vigilante ? The one where he looks for his half - finished beer and packet of drugs ? If we weren 't almost there I would be turning back right now . " " Amazing , an urban legend that doesn 't involve some crazy person escaping from a hospital . And you know what else , Erin ? This is crazy . This is stupid . This is a sure - fire way to get caught by the night guard , get thrown out of the Aggie , go back to that place known as ORR and be ridiculed for the rest of our lives ! " " Iron . Salt . Matches . Can of lighter fluid . Machete . The basic materials to defeat anything evil . And a non - inverted pentagram for comfort . " " Do I look like I know anyone that would be able to get their hands on some ? " Erin turned , going down a narrow path between the cornstalks . " Jade , camera on . " " No , by now they 'd be up at the horse barn by now . We 've got a few minutes , which should be enough to get this ghost on camera . " Erin turned , flashing a smile at the camera . " And now , dear watchers , this is where the BCAHS Ghost Hunter 's Club sets up , to catch the most infamous ghost of Bristol Aggie on camera ! " " Do night guards drag their feet or walk directly through rows of corn ? I 'm not sure if you 've noticed , but that stuff hurts ! " Erin drew her machete from its sheath . " Then what is it ? " It just kept coming closer and closer , rotted body clearly shown off in the moonlight . It looked like it had been a burn victim . Erin walked forward , machete raised , ready to stab the thing . " Decapitation works best with this stuff , " she said . She took a swing at it , but for something dead it was able to dodge the blade . " Please tell me these aren 't zombies that can move fast , " asked Jay . He was ready to burst into tears , his voice told that much . We didn 't have any weapons , and the revenant was giving Erin a hard time . " One of the workmen found a dead body in the cornfield . Very rotted , looked like a burn victim . They say it had a machete in its neck ! " " Maybe it was trying to teach us a lesson , " said Jay . " Keep us away from doing what it did . Maybe that 's why it came around every Harvest Moon , to keep idiot kids from harming themselves . " " Sure Jay . That 'd be one for the record books . Never heard of a revenant that was good . " Erin and Jay fell silent , but were probably thinking that same thing I was : Could a supposedly evil creature be nice ? " Witches ! " somebody screams . I look at my older sister Becky . She looks terrified . " What 's … " I say but my sister interrupts me . " Come on ! We need to get out of here ! " she says . " But what about Spot ? " I ask . Spot is our dog . " He 's right there , " Becky says pointing to my side . We start running on the road . I am confused . Why would witches attack our magical town of Everly ? I feel for my magical ball . Every single person in Everly gets a magical possession or talent at the age of eleven . Mine is a glass ball with which you can see the future . You can also turn into any animal you have in your ball . My sister has the talent of making good potions . All of a sudden , Becky stops . I stop and look up . My heart stops , I 'm terrified by what I see . In front of us is a tall witch . She has long black messy hair , all tangled with knots . Her skin is pure green like any witch . It is gross ! At least it looks like dirt , worm slime and it smells like rotten eggs . Her dress is torn and has holes in it . Its color is a mixture of black , gray and green . She has long , really long fingernails . You can 't see how bad they are since she is wearing gloves , which I 'm thankful for . These witches hate non - magical people but also hate all magical people that are good . I look at her face . Her eyes are all wrinkled and old looking . She has no eyebrows : all the hairs are plucked . Her nose is crooked but has wide , flaring nostrils . Her arms are thin and wrinkled with many creases . Her eyes can see like a hawk , they are beady - looking and blood red . In her hands she clutches an old wooden broom . I am completely terrified and rooted to the spot . " Oh look what I got here ! " she says excitedly . Before we can do anything , she grabs us and drags us up a winding road . I can hear my heart thumping loudly and am afraid the witch can too . My sister looks absolutely horrified as we are dragged into what was once the city hall , but now is a dungeon . Just then I see it : a witch taller than all the others , meaner than all the others , so mean that I know she is the leader of them all . " Oh look what we got here ! " she says in a teasing voice . " The daughters of ' smart ' Ted and Georgina ! " she says teasingly . " Oh they would be petrified to hear that their daughters failed in protecting themselves from me . " Anger rises up in me and is now boiling . I want to hurt her with all my might . Of course I can 't do that though , because the witch has a firm grip on me . " Let 's lock them up , shan 't we ? " she says , enjoying herself even more every second . The witch drags us to a cell and throws us in . With a thump I land on the floor . Then I hear the click of the lock and I look up to see she holds a key with a zigzagged edge and a printing of a hat on it . The witch is suddenly gone . Instead , an ugly guard monster with long sharp fangs and blood shot eyes has taken her place . The creature is drooling blood . I suddenly realize where the blood is from : People the monster has killed ! I look around . How are we going to get out of this place ? I think to myself . My sister quietly comes over to me . " It 's a Gobroth monster , " she says so quietly , I can barely hear . We have to be really careful . They can understand our language and even speak it . " How are we going to get out of here ? " I ask quietly . My sister shrugs . Then all of a sudden an idea pops into my mind . I tap my sister and she looks at me . I point at the pocket my ball is in . She looks confused for a second and then understands . I am not quite sure what I can do with the ball but maybe it will help us . All of a sudden my sister 's eyes are gleaming . She whispers quietly " Turn into a mouse . " I am confused for a second and then I get it . What a brilliant plan ! I am jealous I didn 't think of it first . " Here 's the plan . First , I will distract the Gobroth and you will turn into a mouse . Then , while I am distracting him , you find the key to the cell . It is either in the witch 's pocket or the room that is guarded by creatures . " " You are small enough and you have to be very quiet and also sneaky . Then you steal the key back and bring the three things back that the witches need to stay powerful . One is the ruby from which you can drink potions . The other is the walking stick and last but not least the wand . Pour my newest potion , the invisibility potion , over the three items you are supposed bring with you . Then pour my shrinking potion over it , so they get small enough for you to carry . Got it ? " " Oh , yeah , " Becky says quietly . She hands me two bottles from inside her cloak . Both bottles might be small enough for a mouse to carry , but they hold a lot of liquid inside . I take hold of the bottles and grasp my ball while Becky distracts the Gobroth by talking to it . The Gobroth doesn 't look at Becky , it just stares off somewhere . I touch the ball and think of a mouse . All of a sudden the cell spins and then everything is still . Becky is still distracting the Gobroth . I grip my ball tightly and drink some of the invisibility potion . Becky gives me a little nod to say that I am invisible . Quietly I slip through the bars of the cell . I walk carefully past all the cells so as not to bonk into any Gobroth guarding them . I try not to look at all the people locked up in them . Witches , Gobroths , ghastly skeletons and vampires roam the hallways . There are so many odd creatures I nearly run into a witch . All of a sudden I realize that it is the witch that had locked us up in the cell . I study her dress . Were there even pockets in this dress where the key might be ? Then I see it - something is sticking out on the side of her dress . The pocket ! Quickly I scamper after her and then , when I get close enough I jump onto the hem of her dress . Slowly I climb up , leaning not too much so she can 't feel me climbing up . Finally , I reach the pocket , sweating hard . I climb inside . The pocket is huge and filled with tons of keys . How am I ever going to find the right key ? Then I remember the zigzag cut on the key . The only problem is that all the keys have zigzags for cuts . All of a sudden it hits me : The witch hat print ! I search all the keys until I find it . Finally ! I am holding the key in my paw . I climb out of the pocket and jump landing quietly . Soon I am dodging people , scampering as fast as I can . Then I see it : A highly guarded room . Can it be the one I am looking for ? Excitedly I slip in . Sure enough it is the one . It has a table with glass cases holding each object . The long one is the emerald walking stick . The other a pure silver wand with a golden tip . Last but not least the Red Ruby , the most powerful of all . One sip of the ruby 's potion makes the witches strong for two years . It always refills itself unless you destroy it . All of a sudden I hear the voice of the leader witch . I freeze . This is what she says : " Hello ! Today is the day when the potion runs out . There will be a ceremony when I drink it . But first we must capture our guests ! " she says with a harsh laugh . First , I creep up to the table and I quietly look at the glass case . It 's locked ! I look at the skeleton and see he has a key . Quietly I slip it out of his hand and replace it with a fake one . Once I have all the keys and replaced them with fake ones , I open the cases . First , I open the one with the emerald walking stick . Carefully , I pour some shrinking potion over it . Next is the wand . Then comes the ruby . Once everything is small , I carry it with me when I climb down the table again . Suddenly I realize how much time I have lost . I scamper off , worrying more each minute about how much time I am losing . Finally , I am near the cell . I wonder what Becky will think once she knows I did it . I slip into the cell . Becky is still distracting the Gobroth . Just then the invisibility potion wears off . I grab my ball and think of me … Sarah . Then I turn back into my normal self . Out of her cloak she pulls a potion , taking the ruby first and pours some potion over it . Then she takes the wand and does the same . Last but not least she takes the emerald walking stick and pours potion over it . At that moment , everything is silent . Then there is a hiss . Soon we can hear small popping noises . The skeletons turn into their normal selves , along with the Gobroths , the ghosts and the vampires . The witches fall to the floor dead . People shout and cry , they free people and soon everyone crowds in the center of town . People thank us for saving them . All of a sudden the leader of the town says : " Please , could I have Becky and Sarah come up ? " We walk to the front of the crowd . Everybody falls silent . Then the leader speaks : " Tonight and forever I will thank Becky and Sarah for saving the town of Everly . " He hands us certificates of honor . The whole town erupts in cheers . The leader then says : " Without them the town of Everly could never have survived and neither could we . Let us dance in memory of this moment ! " Soon Becky and I are dancing . Today is a day I will remember forever , even after I die . I feel so happy in that moment . I hope that such a terrible thing will never happen again ! Soon I am dancing on the floor with Becky . I will remember this forever and ever ! Under the dim moonlight on September 9 , 1817 , Paul Cuffee died in Westport , Massachusetts . At the funeral , a man looked into the dark and spooky coffin that the famous whale ship captain Paul Cuffee was lying . While he was looking at him , his fingertips started to vanish . After that , no one saw Paul Cuffee again until one dark and stormy night under a blue moon on the whale ship , the Wanderer which was anchored off the shore of Cutty Hunk Island . One of the sailors swore that he saw something in the sky . None of the other crew members believed the man . When they all went to sleep on April 25 , 1924 , the night before the Wanderer sank , they heard a thumping coming from the storage area below deck where they kept the barrels of whale blubber . All the crew members told the man who saw something in the sky to check what the dreadful ear pounding sound was . As he walked down the ladder , the screeching sound kept getting louder and louder until he turned around and saw a green wisp and felt the goo of the wisp flowing down his arm . He tried to go back up the ladder , but the crew members locked the hatch before he could come up to the deck . As the man looked back again , the green wisp had turned into a green shape . It was a great big ghost ! The face looked familiar . It was the face he saw when he looked into the coffin of the famous whale ship captain , Paul Cuffee , who was born on January 17 , 1759 on the island of Curry Hunk . He screamed and frantically pounded on the hatch but no one opened it . He started to panic ! He looked around him and realized that water was up to his ankles and was getting higher . " The great Wanderer must be sinking into the deep dark ocean ! " he screamed . He turned back and looked at the ghost who started to chant , " Get off my island ! " He decided to hide in an empty whale blubber barrel . He seemed to be floating on top of the water . All of a sudden , the ghost of Paul Cuffee went up to the hatch and cut the lock open and freed the man . The reason why he wanted to free the man was because PaHalloween Story Contest # 10 It was a dark , cloudy evening near Halloween . The Wolfman crawled out of his cave , scratched his ear and leapt up onto a nearby cliff . He was a kind and generous and forgiving creature , with fangs that can bite a finger off … but he only used them to trim his fingernails . He looked into the sky , took a deep breath in and howled at the shadow of the full moon , shining through the clouds . It was time for the Monster Mash Party . At the sound of the howl , the zombies rose up from their graveyard beds . The gals had on some of their finest ( and dirtiest ) ripped dresses , while the guys threw on their best , torn shirts ( also muddy ) with bowties . They waddled like penguins and started to head towards the Haunted Mansion . Two of the zombies , Leroy and Leonard , were always fighting about who the prettiest girl was in the graveyard . As they walked to the party , they were pushing and shoving each other to try and meet the girls . The girls were giggling as the two boys got closer , but it was really laughing out loud because they weren 't really interested and they thought that the boys were crazy . The howling also got the attention of the 5 Widow Sisters . Black as night with bright blood red hourglasses on their stomachs , they ( Ivy , Venom , Poison , Arachne , and Venpire ) once were all in love with a wolf spider . It was his misfortune to be eaten by their mother , because she was sick of the girls ' fighting and pleading to go see him . But that is another story . The Sisters ' are notoriously known for their beauty as well as their bite . Men are enchanted by the girl 's hourglasses and try to kiss them as soon as they see them . The Haunted Mansion looked like a dull , black , creepy Leaning Tower of Pisa . Inside , there were bats hanging from the ceiling holding haunted banners that screamed , " Happy Hallow 's Eve ! " whenever somebody walked by them . Witches were riding their broomsticks around the inside walls , and were painting pumpkins like jack - o - lanterns with magical paint that allowed them to talk . The Ghost Chef was busy preparing tasty treats for the monsters to enjoy . He was shouting at his help , " Hey , get back here ! Get back to work ! " as his Monkey ( the help ) ran away . He finally got a few skeletons to help serve snacks ( they don 't eat much ) , and they were taken out of the giant tin oven and were placed on the floating black tables . In the pitch - black room of the tower , Wolfman was trying to stop whimpering . He was the host of the party , and had a paw - written speech to say in front of everybody . The problem was , he had stage fright . " I don 't know what to do ! " he cried . " Well then , I 'd suggest you 'd get down here now . Some guests are getting very impatient . The Widow Sisters are bragging about their beauty , Ghost Chef is tearing up his recipe book , and the zombies are starting to lose limbs on the dance floor ! " So Wolfman hurried down the stairs and jumped on the Grand Stage . He was excited , yet still nervous , and he held his paper in his claws . He started to read , " I hope you all enjoy this gathering that I designed , with the chef , especially for you . I wish you to all have an enjoyable time here . And I 'll let you know that the chocolate covered crickets are the most scrumptious things on the menu ! Thank you for coming ! " And then he howled and announced with delight , " Let the party begin ! " At that , the Skeletons turned on the smashing sounds of monster music . Ivy , the youngest of the Black Widows , crawled up to the ceiling and turned on the Full Moon Disco Ball . Frankenstein helped himself to the chocolate covered crickets that Wolfman had recommended , and the zombies kept on grooving . Even Wolfman started dancing and getting his " monster mash " on . Everyone was having a good time , or so it seemed . Next door , in the Janitor 's Closet , a coffin was shaking . Count Dracula was trying to sleep - in . The day before , he 'd had a daymare ( which is a nightmare in vampire time ) and was in need of a few extra winks . He began moaning and groaning when he heard the skeletons piping up the music . The sounds of dancing and fun agitated him , and he burst out of his cozy lounge and into the party . Dracula stood there still trying to wake up . After a few minutes he noticed that his foot was tapping to the beat of the music . He saw the decorations , and noticed all of his friends having fun . He grabbed the piece of cricket , strolled over to the Widows and asked them to dance . As he made his way to the dance floor he said , " I guess I 'll sleep when I 'm dead . But wait ! I already am ! " And everyone had a good laugh at that . He broke through the shards of sunlight with the front end of his pick - up truck and left a cloud of dirt dust in his wake . R . F . Knuckle was late . At least two hours late , maybe more . If this wasn 't the way to the job then he was just going to give up , try to salvage his broken phone and broken heart down at the Wisecracker . R . F . never missed all you can eat wings night . Ever . R . F . wanted to turn back but he wanted the money even more so he pressed on but slowly . Eventually , the trees broke . A house came into view , it wasn 't quite as he thought the woman on the phone had described but it was a destination . He bounced out of his truck , boots hitting the spongy moss that carpeted the ground . He fixed his face with an apologetic expression and made his approach . " Hellooo . I 'm so glad you found us . Come in . Come in . Here is the list we discussed . There is food and beer in the fridge . Help yourself to whatever you like . I am just on my way out . There is a check on the counter and a little something extra for you . " R . F . 's stress nearly evaporated . Why did he still feel slightly uneasy ? He mentally chastised himself . Then he got to work . Four hours later , his industriousness was apparent . Cords from tools snaked into plugs and twisted into extension cords . He was nearly finished so he rewarded himself with a sandwich he had brought from home and a beer from Mrs … miss ? What was her name again ? R . F . decided it wasn 't important and returned to his truck to eat . One sip of that beer seemed to have increased a minor headache into a major pain . The sandwich he made so deliciously for himself had no taste . He settled on the fact that lunch wasn 't worth the time and he would be better off finishing up and cleaning his mess . A few more cuts with the saw . A few more nails with the gun . Then the strangest thing happened . A baby appeared . Well , more of a toddler really , but it was enough to make R . F . jump and then feel very uncomfortable . The baby wasn 't talking . It stood and stared with big watery bulging eyes . It wobbled on its stubby chubby legs , hands shoved deep and squirming in its green Oshkosh B Gosh overalls . " Does your mommy know you 're here ? " R . F . made one last pathetic try at communication . It was useless . The baby was on the move . First it went for the nail gun . The baby shot him over and over and over and over again . One nail pierced his palm , pinning him to the porch railing . Another struck his thigh just below his groin . Another caught his shoulder . More pops from the gun sounded . R . F . squirmed out of the range of fire as best as he could . The baby grunted . Aimed . Fired . More nails sailed into R . F . striking his buttock and thighs . He desperately reached for the claw hammer to dig out the nail pinning him down . He started to work himself free . The agony of his injuries was beginning to sink in . Why was it suddenly so quiet ? Where had that baby gone ? The sound of the saw answered his questions . The panic set him moving . The baby was trying tip the saw over onto him ! R . F . worked that palm pinning nail out and fell out of the way of most of the danger . Somehow he had gotten a black eye , he could feel that tell tale warm swelling bulging his cheek . Was he losing consciousness ? Crawling to the truck , he noticed the baby had been busy . There were nails and tacks everywhere he tried to place a hand or a knee . When he made it to the safety of his cab , he looked back at the house . The baby stood there in the middle of the chaos , waving . R . F . pulled away full of pain and nails vowing never to return . I have always wondered about the abandoned school bus behind Turk 's Seafood in Mattapoisett , behind its cranberry bog . Why it never moved . How it even got there . As I was going for a walk to Shipyard Park , I over heard two men talking about a very intriguing story on the porch of the Mattapoisett Inn . Little did I know that not only did it answer the questions to my mystery , but it was also true . Here , let me tell you how it goes . Over fifty years ago there was a phsyco bus driver that decided to take the kids she was driving on … . let 's just call it … . a little swim . After she had picked up all of the kids , every each one of them dressed up in array of Halloween costumes , excited for Halloween at school , she got a devilish idea stuck in her head . The bus was just approaching Turk 's when unexpectedly , she swerved off the road and into the cranberry bog . Not only killing herself , but the other fifty kids on the bus as well . Everybody thought it was an accident , that she didn 't mean to harm everybody . They thought she was trying to avoid a different accident , but everything went haywire . Police carefully investigated the scene , but after days of endless searching , they were only able to recover the bus . No bodies . Now every Halloween when the fog slowly drifts over the cranberry bog the kid 's souls arise from the bog disguised as normal children , in casual Halloween costumes . They go from door to door just like you do , but they try to befriend you . They try to build up a sense of trust with you . Then they will tell you there is something amazing that they just have to show you . They will lure you to the cranberry bog , and claim your soul as revenge for the loss of their youth . I should know this to be true , because I was one of those kids . Lured away from the safety of my home . Lured away by someone I thought I could trust . Every year they lure more kids in to become one of them . So see you on Halloween . One crisp autumn day in Pumpkintown , Massachusetts a girl named Cassie Cavalier , who is nick named C . C . was playing on the monkey bars at school , fell , and broke her leg . It was almost Halloween and on every Halloween night bad creatures came and invaded Pumpkintown . All the kids in Pumpkintown could never go trick or treating or have a Halloween party because all the zombies , witches , ghosts , and bats invaded Pumpkintown every year . C . C . is nine years old and was wearing a big cast on her leg . Somehow she got locked out of the house because everyone was scared of all the bad creatures that were coming that night . It was getting dark and C . C . was looking for a place to hide , but couldn 't find a hiding spot . It was dark and creatures came out . One of the zombies snatched C . C . before she could hide . C . C . was brought to their dark cave were they hide all year long and tied her up to a long pole . C . C . cried for help and she saw a spark of light and an angel appeared . The angel gave her two bags of magic dust and said , " Listen carefully . Sprinkle some of the dust on yourself and you will be set free . " Then she said , " Sprinkle some dust on the bad creatures and it will make them good . " The angel suddenly disappeared and C . C . followed the angel 's rules and did as she said . C . C . snuck up on all the bad creatures and sprinkled the magic dust just in time before they caught her . From that day on , everyone in Pumpkintown had parties and went trick or treating like every other town because C . C . saved the day .

Disclaimer : - I don 't own these characters ( I wish ! ) , they belong to Stephen J Cannell . I just write about them for my own pleasure and no profit . However , Dannii and Debbie do belong to me . Summary : - Face and Hannibal get very close to their clients when the team go to help the residents of a small community being hounded from their homes by a ruthless entrepreneur . Some sex and minor violence , minor character death . Dannii didn 't know how long she 'd been standing in this alleyway but it had been a long time . So much for contacting The A - Team . All she 'd contacted was the flu virus . She 'd been running around in circles trying to contact this combat team for the last few weeks . She 'd been to meetings that no one had turned up to , she 'd been to endless fairgrounds and parks and been handed little notes that led her to another dead end . The last one told her to come here at two - o clock in the morning so here she was . Waiting . On her own . There hadn 't been sight or sound of anybody since that drunk who wandered past her about an hour ago . " Dangerous placsh thish alley for a pretty girl like you , " said the drunk . Dannii shifted uncomfortably in the doorway of The Kozy Kat Club . There was no one else around . " I don 't mind if you stay here all night , " said the drunk , smiling . For a drunk , he had the nicest smile and the most sparkling blue eyes she 'd ever seen . " It gives me a pretty face to look at instead of the bottom of a bottle . " There was something about the drunk that made her feel safe . " Sounds funny , I know , " she thought . " I should be running in the opposite direction . " He led her to a black van that was parked just at the entrance to the alleyway . He opened the door and she climbed in . Hannibal got in just behind her and sat down . Also sat in the van were two other men , one with the most charming smile and pretty blue eyes she 'd ever seen . He was introduced to her as Face and the other man was BA . He looked like a bouncer , with a Mohican haircut and a scowl on his face . He didn 't look like someone you 'd like to meet in a dark alleyway . Dannii chuckled to herself at the irony . She wouldn 't have been sat there now if he had been sent into the alley to meet her . " The ringleader is a guy named Jim Barton , " Dannii said . " He 's been buying up all the properties in Ryding Valley . He wants to turn the area into a huge shopping mall . He already owns the majority of property out there . But there are a few people who don 't want to sell . My parents are two of those people . " " Well only yesterday , Mr and Mrs Rose , they live next door to my parents , their house met with a rather nasty fire . They barely escaped with their lives . Mrs Rose is living with my folks . Mr Rose is still in hospital . They 're both in their eighties , it shouldn 't be happening to people like them . " " Take it easy , BA , " said Hannibal . " I think we need to teach Mr Barton and his friends a lesson in people skills . " He turned and looked at Dannii . " Miss Scott , you 've just hired the A - Team . " " We aren 't flying , " said Hannibal . " You can drive . It 's just that we need as many people on our side as possible . " Face shook his head in amazement and the three men made their way to the van . As they got closer , they could hear the sound of squealing . They raced over to the van , fearing the worst . Face threw the door of the van open and saw Hannibal sat on top of Dannii who was wriggling underneath him , a look of pure delight on her face . Hannibal grinned at Dannii and got up off her . While his back was turned , she threw a cushion at him and it smacked him squarely on the back of the head . He turned back to her , a mischievous glint in his eyes . She looked back at him , defiantly but a smile was playing round her lips . He advanced towards her and her eyes widened with excitement as he got closer . Her bright green eyes locked with his equally bright blue ones and he was now so close , she could feel his breath on her lips . She closed her eyes , waiting for the kiss she was sure was heading her way . Suddenly , she shrieked in delight as Hannibal started to tickle her . " That 's not fair , " she squealed as his fingers brushed over her sensitive skin . " I wasn 't ready . " Hannibal released Dannii and helped her up . The others clambered into the van and BA drove off . Dannii had given him directions on how to get to her parents house and after introducing Dannii to Murdock , the others settled down to get some sleep while BA drove them to Ryding Valley . The night passed by without any incident and as BA reached the city limit sign for Ryding Valley , the morning sun was starting to stream through the windows . Murdock was the first to wake and he stretched his legs out and accidentally kicked Face . Face moaned and opened his eyes to glare at Murdock . Face groaned and yawned . He opened his eyes again and saw Murdock looking at him , beseechingly . There was no way Face could ignore those puppy dog eyes . He laughed . Face smiled and sat back while Murdock started to babble about a giant duck . He glanced over at where Hannibal was still sleeping . Sometime in the night , Dannii had scooted across the van and was now curled up in a ball next to Hannibal . He had his arms wrapped around her , in a protective cocoon and he had his head rested against the top of her head . Face held his finger up to his lips to signal to Murdock to be quiet . Murdock looked at Face then turned to see what Face was looking at . He grinned as he saw Dannii and Hannibal . " Yep , " said BA . " Man , am I sleepy . " " My parents house should be just as we approach the main road . You can 't miss it , it 's the one with all the flowers growing round the outside . You can rest there . " BA pulled up outside the house and Dannii pulled the van door open and shot outside . The front door opened and an elderly lady with grey hair and twinkling green eyes stood on the doorstep . Dannii ran over to her and hugged her . " It 's ruined , Danielle , " he said . " Barton had his thugs wreck the place . I was in the back when they arrived . They sent Cam home and then they kicked the door down . They smashed everything and when I tried to stop them , they smashed my leg up too . " " My name is Hannibal Smith and this is my team , Face , Murdock and BA . Dannii contacted us to help you . We feel that this Barton needs to be taught a lesson . " " Danielle has always been the hyperactive one in the family , " said Mrs Scott , coming back into the lounge with a tray piled high with coffee and cakes . " She always wanted to solve everyone 's problems . Her sister , Deborah , was the quiet one . " " Sister ? " asked Face . Mrs Scott took a framed picture down from the mantelpiece and handed it to Face . He looked at it and started with surprise . Dannii shook her head with embarrassment and stole a quick glance at Hannibal . He winked at her and she pulled a face back at him . The exchange didn 't go unnoticed by Face who rolled his eyes at the two of them . Dannii frowned at him . She had noticed that Face didn 't like her . She decided to have a word with him later to find out what was wrong with him . " You should get on well with BA , " said Murdock , smiling . " The angry mudsucker is usually found with his head under a bonnet . Good thing too , that way you can 't see his ugly mush . " BA jumped up and made his way over to Murdock , ready to punch the pilot but Murdock was too quick for him . He leapt over the back of the sofa and shot out of the door with BA hot on his heels . Mr and Mrs Scott looked on in horror but Hannibal grinned . " There 's a motel just in the centre of town , " said Mrs Scott . She smiled apologetically . " I would have asked you to stay here but with Mr and Mrs Rose staying , there really isn 't room . " " Never mind , we have more important things to think about , " said Hannibal . " First we need to go and check into the motel in town . Then we need to figure out a plan to sort out Barton . " " I 'll go with you to the motel , " said Dannii . She noticed the worried look on her mother 's face . " Mom , why don 't you and Dad go and stay with Aunt Rina for a while ? " " I 'm only thinking of you , " she said , looking at her father . " Dad , Barton could really hurt you or mom . Please , just go and stay at Aunt Rina 's for a week or so . It would make me feel better . I 'll be fine here with these guys . " " Okay , we 'll go but I want you to be careful . " He looked at Hannibal . " I 'm entrusting my daughter 's safety in your hands . If it looks like she 's going to be in any danger , you send her to her aunt 's . I don 't want her in any danger . " BA and Murdock went out to the van . Face followed them , muttering under his breath . Hannibal and Dannii said their farewells to Mr and Mrs Scott and followed the others outside . They got into the van and Hannibal grinned at the others . " Oh no , Mum and Dad , " said Dannii and made to leap out of the van but Hannibal pulled her back . " They aren 't going to hurt them , " he said . " They want to know who we are so I 'm guessing they 'll follow us into town . Let 's go , BA . " Just as Hannibal had predicted , the silver Mercedes pulled off and followed the black van down the road . In the driver 's seat , Jack Kinclade looked over at the man sat in the passenger seat . Jim Barton sat quietly watching the van ahead . He wanted to know who these four guys were . No one rolled into his town without him knowing about it and they certainly didn 't have cosy chats with the people whose house he was trying to buy . They had come into town with the daughter . She might be the way to get rid of them . He just had to convince ' her to make them leave . he van pulled up outside the motel and the four men got out , accompanied by the girl . hey went inside and Kinclade pulled the car up and went to get out of the car . arton held him back . Not yet , Jack , " he said . I want to watch them a bit more first . want to know what their first move will be . " " Okay , " said Hannibal . " You and Face go on over to the shop and see what kind of damage has been done . See if you can tidy it up a bit ? " " BA , Murdock and myself will go and have a chat with a few of the townsfolk and get as many of them to help us as we can . Those that don 't want to help must leave town for their own safety . We 'll meet back here in an hour . " Hannibal got up and walked over to the door . The others followed except for Face and Dannii who stayed where they were . Hannibal turned back to them and smiled . " Since we got here , you 've gone out of your way to avoid me . I saw the look on your face when Hannibal put us together for this assignment . You must really hate me . " Face jumped up off the bed and walked over to the window . Dannii got up also and walked over to him . She put her hand on his arm and felt him jump as she made contact . " I mean I like you , Dannii . A lot . And I don 't know how to stop these feelings I have when I 'm with you . " " Don 't tell me anymore , " she said softly and placed her lips where her finger had been . Face moaned and allowed himself to be dragged into the kiss . Dannii felt him relax and deepened the kiss . Her hands entwined themselves in his hair and her tongue explored his mouth , savouring the taste of him . She could hear his breathing becoming laboured and she felt his hands running up and down her back . His mouth moved down to her neck and Dannii sighed as he began to nuzzle her neck . " I can , " said Face , softly . Dannii 's temper evaporated as she saw how sorry he was . " Hannibal means a lot to you , doesn 't he ? " " He 's like a father to me , " said Face . " He saved me and taught me how to trust people again . I couldn 't betray his trust like that . " Dannii and Face left the motel and made their way over to the shop . Dannii glanced down the street and saw Hannibal talking to Mike Dobson , the pharmacist . He turned and saw her looking at him and smiled . Dannii 's heart leapt and she smiled back . Then she turned and saw Face watching them . She smiled understandingly at him and they trooped into the store . " I 'll tell you why not , young lady , " he said , pulling her towards him . " I think far too much of you to let you stay in that house on your own . You 'll be a sitting duck for Barton . You and your sister . So Face and I will stay with you . BA and Murdock can stay here at the motel . " They left the motel and walked back to the house that was owned by Dannii 's parents . They had called last night to reassure Dannii that they had arrived safely and Mr and Mrs Rose were with them . Hannibal looked at Face . " And that 's why you 've been quiet for the last few days ? " Hannibal looked at Face thoughtfully . " There 's something you 're not telling me , though . " " Three days ago . Hannibal , it was just a kiss , I swear . Nothing else happened because of you . I couldn 't do that to you . Neither of us could . " There was a knock at the door and the two men looked round , startled . Face pulled his gun and stood on the blind side of the door . Hannibal drew his gun and held it out of sight as he pulled the door open . " Sorry I 'm late , guys , " said Dannii , coming through the door of Murdock 's motel room . " Debs is staying back at the house . She 's a bit tired after the travelling so she 's getting some sleep . " Hannibal turned back to the group . Dannii sat down on the bed next to him and shuffled up so she was resting against his arm . He grinned at her and put his arm round her and cuddled her closer . " What we need , " said Hannibal . " Is a secluded area where we can set up a base . Barton 's going to be expecting us to be based at either the house or here at the motel . We need a completely separate base so he doesn 't know what we 're going to do next . " " Hannibal , he 's got us staked out , " said Face . " There 's no way we can find somewhere without him knowing about it . He has a tail on at least one of us at all times . " " Okay , BA . You stay here and let me know if you have any trouble . I 'll take Dannii home and we 'd better brief Debbie when we get there . " " He 's waiting , " replied Hannibal . " He 's waiting to see what we do first . It 's a case of smoking him out . Forcing him to make the first move . " " Sure . He wants your property . He can 't wait too long otherwise the other residents will think he 's losing interest and he won 't want that . He needs to keep them in fear of losing their property . That gives him the edge . " " For god 's sake , don 't look down and don 't make a sound , " he said and jumped down from the stairs . Dannii stifled a cry and it came out as a slight moan then she was back on the ground as Hannibal lowered her to her feet . She couldn 't bring herself to look at him , her cheeks glowing with shame . " What do you think ? " she asked . " Will this do as your secret base ? There 's only one way to get here and that 's the way we came . Isn 't it perfect ? " " Debbie and me used to come here as children . It belonged to a sweet old man who used to let us swim in the lake . He died a few years ago . He left the place to Debbie and me . We were the only visitors he used to get because no one else knew about the place . We found it by accident one day while we were out playing . " Dannii glanced up at him then kissed him full on the mouth . Hannibal moaned and returned the kiss . Dannii started to nibble at his neck and Hannibal started to breathe quicker as her fingers started to open his shirt . She opened the first two buttons and she started to kiss the soft hair that covered his chest . Hannibal responded by dragging her head back up and locked her in another breathtaking kiss . Still kissing her , he picked her up in his arms and carried over to a shaded spot underneath a large oak tree . He knelt down and lay Dannii down on the soft grass . He looked down at her and she stared back , her eyes clouded with passion . He heard her breathing quicken as his hands brushed over her breasts . He lightly stroked her soft skin and made his way down to the hem of her T - shirt . Dannii sucked in quickly as his hand went under the fabric and lifted her T - shirt up over her head . He watched as her eyes widened in surprise as he quickly disposed of her bra and then Hannibal lowered his head and Dannii sighed as his mouth closed over her right breast . While he suckled on the right breast , his hand continued to stroke the left . Dannii closed her eyes and let the ripples of delight sweep through her . Suddenly , her eyes flew open again as she felt Hannibal 's hand slide down and undo the button of her shorts . Hannibal felt her start in surprise and he chuckled . Dannii groaned in frustration and pressed herself against Hannibal . He chuckled again and then he lowered the zip of her shorts . Dannii squirmed in pleasure as his hand slid inside her shorts . She could feel the warmth of his hand against her most sensitive part . She gasped as she felt him slide a finger inside her . She could feel her breath getting more and more laboured as Hannibal slipped a second finger inside her . She bucked and writhed beneath him as his fingers teased and stroked her , bringing her to a shuddering climax . Dannii clung on to Hannibal as waves of pleasure swept over her , threatening to take her over the edge . As Hannibal withdrew his hand , Dannii moaned a protest but Hannibal kissed her into silence . While he kissed her , her hands wandered down and opened the remaining buttons on his shirt and pulled it off him . Dannii shivered with excitement as Hannibal 's chest rubbed against her naked breasts . Hannibal started to move lower , kissing her neck and then down to her breasts . Dannii sighed with satisfaction as his tongue danced over her , causing delightful sensations to flicker through her body . She relaxed as Hannibal moved lower placing soft kisses on her stomach . His hands slid downwards and quickly disposed of her shorts . Dannii felt the cool summer breeze against her now totally naked body and she sighed again as Hannibal 's hand stroked the inside of her thigh . Suddenly , she cried out as Hannibal 's tongue flicked over her innermost core . She arched her back , meeting each thrust of his tongue as he probed deeper and deeper . She came almost instantly , crying out Hannibal 's name as he shook her very soul . She pulled his head back up and he grinned at her as her breathing started to return to normal . His blue eyes sparkled as he saw the effect he was having on her . As she gazed up at him , a mischievous smile danced across her lips and , taking him by surprise she flipped him over so he was now lying on his back , with Dannii sat astride him . She leant over and kissed him , slowly and softly , befo " That 's what I 'm hoping , " said Dannii and Hannibal laughed . Then , he stopped laughing and moaned with pleasure as Dannii 's torment began again , her soft tongue caressing the inside of his thigh , working it 's way slowly and seductively upwards . He growled with desire as she continued to place soft , feathery kisses along the length of his shaft , then moaned with passion as her tongue danced lightly across the head , teasing and thrilling him , waves of fire thundering through his body . He arched suddenly as Dannii took him in her mouth , slowly sucking him towards total abandonment . He was about to lose control when he grabbed her head and pulled her up , rolling her over at the same time until he was over her . She looked at him in torment , scared in case she had done something wrong . Hannibal smiled at her to reassure her . She smiled at him and automatically parted her thighs until she felt Hannibal settle between them . As he slipped into her soft centre , he felt a slight resistance and at once he started to pull out but Dannii arched her back upwards , accepting him . She felt a slight pain but almost instantly it was replaced with feelings of complete ecstasy as Hannibal moved inside her , slowly at first while she got used to the feel of him , then gradually building up a rhythm until they were moving together . Dannii could feel herself falling out of control and she grabbed onto Hannibal , holding him tightly as her orgasm racked through her body . She felt Hannibal come at the same time , filling her up as he lost control too . They clung onto each other and lay in the grass for a few minutes , both completely exhausted . When their breathing returned to normal , Hannibal rolled over and looked at Dannii . Hannibal chuckled and lit a cigar . Face turned away from him in a sulk . Debbie , Murdock and BA suppressed a giggle and Face glared at them , except for Debbie who he managed a weak smile for . She smiled back at him , reaching over to touch his hand . He started in surprise and she quickly retreated back and sat next to Murdock . Murdock smiled at her and put his arm round her , giving her a quick hug . Face glared at him . Murdock looked back at him , with a strange expression . Debbie looked at Hannibal . " Ah , that 's why you wanted to stay at the cabin , " said Hannibal . " Forget it , Face . The girls stay with BA and me . Now , you and Murdock go and get your stuff and go to the cabin . Make sure you aren 't followed . Barton is going to realise in a while that we aren 't in the motel and start to look for us and I want him to think we are all in here . " " When you get there , " said Hannibal . " Find another trail away from the cabin , but don 't make it obvious . I want a route in and out for us to use so we can tripwire the usual path . Barton will figure it out soon enough and I want enough warning for when he gets there . " Debbie grinned again and jumped up . She walked out of the lounge and down the hall to the bedroom . Just as she was about to open the door , Face came out of the bathroom . Debbie jumped and spun round . She saw Face smiling at her and she gave a quick smile back before darting inside her bedroom and Face heard the lock turn behind her . He shook his head . " Sorry ? SORRY ? I ask you to keep an eye on them at all times , not to let them out of your sight and now you 're telling me that they aren 't even staying at the motel anymore . " " The motel clerk let us into the room and we found they had a fire escape right outside the window of one of the rooms . They must have used that . There was no way we would have seen them , Mr Barton . " " No , Mr Barton , " said Kinclade , and walked out of Barton 's office . Barton sat back down in his chair and sat calmly for a few moments . " Damn ! " Debbie shrugged and wandered into the bedroom . BA glanced at Hannibal from his position over at the kitchen table where he was tinkering with some miniature electronics . Just then , Dannii appeared in the doorway . He walked outside and Dannii crept over to Hannibal . When she reached his chair , he grabbed her arm and pulled her down into his lap . She shuffled into a comfortable position and lay down with her head on his shoulder . She shivered as Hannibal ran his hands up and down her back . She responded by nuzzling him , smiling as she heard his throaty growl as she delicately nipped the soft flesh of his throat . Suddenly a gunshot rang out and Dannii was unceremoniously dropped on the floor as Hannibal shot up . Dannii ran towards the bedroom and locked the door behind her as Hannibal raced towards the door , his gun drawn ready . He raced outside to see BA dragging a stocky man towards the house . Replacing his gun in his belt , Hannibal rushed over to help him . " What the hell happened , BA ? " " I was workin ' on the van when I saw this sucker checkin ' out the windows . He was by the lounge window . Saw he had his gun aimed right inside . He was aimin ' at you , man . So I shot him in the leg to stop him , then knocked him out . " The two men dragged the unconscious man inside and dumped him on one of the dining chairs . BA quickly tied the man to the chair and frisked him for wires . Hannibal went through into the hallway . He knocked on the door of the twins ' bedroom and the door opened . " Not really . She 's always had a fear of guns so when she heard the shot , it really shook her up so I 've given her a sedative . She 's asleep . " " Uhhh . " The thug started to come round and Hannibal stood in front of him , pointing the barrel of his revolver straight at him . The thug came round and stared at Hannibal . " I ain 't tellin ' ya nothin ' , " said the thug . Hannibal lashed his hand across the other man 's face and waited . The thug stared back at him . " Listen to me , there isn 't anymore of them lurking around here . I want you to go down to the cabin and warn Face and Murdock . You 'll be quite safe if you take the normal route . They won 't have rigged up a tripwire yet . I 'll stay here with BA to keep an eye on your sister . If she comes out , we 'll tell her where you are . " Although it was under awful circumstances , Debbie was relieved to get out of the house and down to the cabin . She was getting stifled inside the house and as much as she liked Hannibal and BA , they weren 't much fun . She was thrilled about seeing Murdock , he was so much fun . He was always ready to lighten the atmosphere and Face ace was well , she was looking forward to seeing Murdock anyway . S e approached the cabin and knocked on the door , opening it slowly . z Face carried the bottle and two glasses through to the lounge . Debbie was sat on the sofa with her legs tucked up against her . Face put the glasses and the bottle down on the little table next to the sofa and sat down next to her . " Don 't laugh at me , " said Debbie , jumping up off the sofa . Face caught hold of her and pulled her back down . " I wasn 't laughing at you , Debbie . You just keep giving me confused signals . When we were all back at your mum 's house , you touched my hand but when I responded , you shot over to Murdock . " " But I like it , it suits you , " she said . Face smiled at her and poured two glasses of wine . He handed one to Debbie . As he handed it to her , his hand brushed hers and he felt small shocks of electricity shiver through him . Debbie felt it too and they both jumped , sending the contents of the glass down the front of Face 's shirt . Face cursed and started to wipe it . Debbie grabbed a tissue from the table " It was my fault , " said Face . Debbie helped him to clean his shirt . As she wiped it down , she looked up and her eyes locked with Face 's . Not taking his eyes off her , he reached out and put the glass back on the table and then he leant forward and kissed her . At first , Debbie was too surprised to react but then , she relaxed and moved closer to Face . She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him closer to her . He stopped kissing her and looked at her . She went to move her arms away but he stopped her . " Good , " said Face and pulled her closer to him . He leant over and kissed her again . She relaxed against him and enjoyed the sensation . Face pulled her up against him and she wrapped her arms back around his waist . Face brought his hands upwards and entwined his hands in her soft blonde hair . Her arms tightened around his waist as if to hold him closer and he deepened the kiss . Debbie thought she was going to stop breathing when he released her and moved down to her neck and started placing soft kisses on her neck . Debbie moaned softly as he nipped at the soft skin under her chin with his teeth and she offered no resistance when he gently pushed her back against the sofa so she was lying down . As he moved towards her , her eyes widened and he smiled at her . Suddenly , she pushed him back and sat up , pushing her hair out of her eyes as she scooted to the end of the sofa away from Face . Face held his had out and Debbie placed her hand in his . He pulled her close to him and folded his arms around her . She snuggled up against him and he sighed , contentedly . " I 'm sorry , Face . It 's just that I 'm not as experienced as you are . I 've only ever had one serious relationship before and if I 'm honest , I 'm a bit scared of you . " Face started at the use of his real name , then gently brushed his lips across her forehead . She closed her eyes and leant against him , breathing in the musky scent of him . Face pulled her closer and wrapped his arms tightly round her . She placed her hands against his chest and felt his heart beating . She laid her head against his chest and her cheek came into contact with the wet fabric of his shirt . She looked up at him . She reached over to start unbuttoning his shirt and Face felt her fingers scorch his skin as they brushed against his chest . He suddenly stopped her and held her hands still . She looked at him , half afraid and he kissed her fingertips gently . Face groaned and kissed her , slow and tantalising kisses . Debbie 's fingers found their way back to his shirt buttons and slowly undid each one , until she pushed the shirt back over Face 's shoulders and he shrugged out of it , throwing it across the room . Still kissing him , Debbie ran her hands over his now bare chest and to her delight , felt Face shiver with pleasure as her hands danced lightly over his torso . As if to retaliate , Face ran his hands up and down her spine , causing ripples of pleasure shuddering through her . He chuckled against her mouth as she gasped out loud . Face moved his mouth lower and started to nuzzle her neck , moving round every so often to nibble her earlobes . As he did so , his hand moved up to take hold of the zipper of her dress . He paused slightly , waiting for a sign to proceed . Debbie pressed herself up against him and it was all the confirmation he needed . He slowly pulled the zipper downwards and dropped the straps of he dress off her shoulders . At first , Debbie panicked at the thought of being exposed but panic gave way to pleasure as Face lowered his mouth to begin suckling her right breast . She could feel his hand slowly caressing her thigh and she relaxed , allowing the waves of desire sweep through her . She groaned as Face abandoned her right breast but then gasped in delight as he gave the same treatment to the left . She entwined her fingers in his hair and pushed his head down , as if to urge him closer . Face pulled her round so she was sat on his knee , his mouth never leaving her breast . He wrapped his arms around her and stood up , still holding onto her . He started to carry her through to the bedroom but Debbie stopped him . Debbie smiled at him and pulled his head back down to kiss him again . He gently pulled her dress down and discarded it . She moved her arms to cover herself up but Face held them down . She stared at him but he smiled at her . Debbie leant over and undid his belt . Face lay back and sighed with delight as she discarded his trousers . He closed his eyes and relaxed as his boxer shorts went the same way . Suddenly his eyes shot open as he felt a soft brush against his inner thigh as Debbie ran her hand up his leg . He chuckled and rolled her over so she was underneath him . " You like teasin ' , huh ? " She looked at him and waited for him to make his next move . He lowered his head and nuzzled her stomach , his tongue dancing across her soft flesh . He moved lower and she squirmed in delight as his tongue ran lightly up her thigh and then she gasped with pleasure as he softly caressed her delicate core . Just as quickly , he stopped and brought his head back up and looked at her , a mischievous glint in his eye . He laughed quietly as she groaned in frustration . She wriggled underneath him and he groaned too as her leg brushed against his hardening shaft . He slowly ran his hand down her body and she whimpered as his fingers brushed against her . The heat pooled between her thighs as he gently slipped a finger inside her . " Oh Temp , " she sighed , then sighed in delight as he slowly teased and stroked her towards the edge . Just as she thought she was about to lose consciousness , he withdrew his hand and settled himself above her . He looked at her and she looked back at him , a silent affirmation passing between them . Face moved inside her and she arched her back , accepting his full length and he moaned with desire as she held onto him . Her nails dug into his back as they both came together , crying each other 's names in ecstasy . Face wrapped his arms round Debbie and pulled her up against him . She snuggled down next to him and closed her eyes , a feeling of total bliss settling over her . After what felt like hours , she opened her eyes and found Face looking at her . He moved her hair back out of her eyes and kissed her forehead . Debbie smiled at him in delight and kissed him . He carried her through to the bedroom and kicked the door shut behind him . He laid her down on the bed . Still kissing her , he lay down next to her and stroked her thigh with his hand . She reached up and ran her hands through his soft , blonde hair , then ran her hands lightly down his back , causing him to shiver with delight . He moved even closer to her , rolling her over so she was directly underneath him . The door slammed open and Murdock burst into the room . For a moment , nobody moved , all three of them too stunned to react . Then there was a mad panic as Face and Debbie dived under the sheets and Murdock shot out of the door . A few seconds passed and then , he stuck his head back round the door . Debbie smiled at him , grateful for the delaying tactics . She wasn 't quite sure how she was going to face Murdock again . Face got up and grabbed a clean pair of pants from the closet and pulled them on . He slipped a T - shirt over his head and smoothed his hair . He walked into the lounge and saw Murdock sat on the sofa , drinking the white wine that he and Debbie had abandoned earlier . " Good , " retorted Face , holding Murdock a little longer before letting him go . Murdock fell to the floor , gasping for breath . Face wandered over to the fireplace and turned to watch Murdock , as he picked himself up off the floor and dusted himself down . Then he grinned at Face . Debbie and Murdock walked round the side of the lake and past a small bush . " It 's through here , " said Murdock , moving some branches aside to reveal a small opening in the hedges . The two of them crawled through and followed a small path through the forest in silence until at last Murdock spoke . " I saw a chance to wind Face up and I took it . I didn 't think about the effect it would have on you . I 'm really sorry , and I hope you can forgive me . I 'll understand though , if you hate me . " Murdock gave her a funny look but she said no more . Murdock led her through the forest until they came to another small opening . As Debbie peered through it , she saw the house ahead . There was nobody about and Debbie turned to Murdock . Debbie giggled and went through the opening . She ran lightly down the path and through the back door . Hannibal was sat on the sofa , reading the paper . BA was asleep in the armchair . " By the way , " he said , as Debbie made her way to the bedroom . " That was some powerful sedative you gave Dannii . I 've not heard a peep out of her since you left . " " They are pretty powerful , " said Debbie . " They usually knock me out for a good few hours . Besides , she needs the rest . This whole business with Barton has left her frazzled and her nerves are shot to pieces . I 'll go and see how she is . " Debbie wandered out of the room and down the corridor . She opened the door quietly so not to wake Dannii and entered the room . Hannibal went back to the paper . All he got from BA was a snore . " Why is that good news , " asked Murdock , looking at Hannibal in bewilderment . He had come down from the cabin with Face , after Hannibal had summoned them for a team briefing . He had got some more information out of Scottie Jakes about the torching of the shop . Both girls were still in their room and had not yet heard this piece of news . Hannibal drew out a cigar and grinned at Murdock . " Ask him , " stormed Dannii and marched back out of the lounge . She paused at the door and turned back to them . " And Debbie is refusing to come out while he is still here , " she said , pointing at Face , before stalking out of the lounge , slamming the door behind her . " That must be the deeds , " said Kinclade . " Barton was right . He must be taking them to the safety deposit box for security . Let 's go . " They both grabbed their rifles from the seats beside them and leapt out of the van , taking Face completely by surprise . Kinclade quickly snatched the deeds from under Face 's arm and was then knocked to the ground by a quick upper cut from Face . He then spun round to face his other attacker and the next thing he saw was the butt of Jenkins ' rifle as it made contact with his nose and then he saw black . He was answered by a small chuckle and then Dannii moved round to stand in front of him . He kissed her quickly and then resumed his watching through the window . Dannii lay her head against his chest . " No , he 'd have checked in first . He 's in trouble . And there isn 't a damn thing I can do about it . " Dannii jumped back , frightened by the aggressive tone in Hannibal 's voice . Although she knew he was a soldier and was well aware he had a temperamental streak , she was still surprised by the speed of his mood swings . She slowly backed away , colliding with BA . " He 's all right , lil ' girl , " said BA . He 's just concerned for Face . We all are . He 's like a son to him and he 's my lil ' bro ' er . He just hates the waiting . " BA was cut off by the warning trigger going off . " It 's Murdock , " said Hannibal . Moments later , the back door opened and Murdock came in , his eyes locking with Hannibal 's , searching for an answer to his unasked question . Hannibal found he couldn 't look at the pilot and turned back to the window . Murdock marched over to his commanding officer and glared at him . " Again ? We seem to have done nothing but wait for Barton to make his moves . What about our moves , Hannibal ? When does Barton get to play the waiting game ? We wait , he burns down the shop . We wait , he captures Face . We wait , Christ knows what he 'll do next . " Murdock started to pace up and down in front of the window . BA put his hand on the pilot 's shoulder but Murdock shrugged him off . Dannii looked at Hannibal . Murdock swore and punched the window . The glass shattered and blood dripped down onto the floor from the cuts all over Murdock 's hand . Dannii grabbed a tea towel off the top of a kitchen unit and raced over to Murdock . She wrapped it tightly around his hand to stem the flow of blood and he looked up at her , tears in his eyes . " All right , but you stick close to Murdock . I want you two to go out and make your way round to the cabin . Go by the escape route so they don 't see you get there . BA , you follow them but at a distance . Take Debbie with you . " " No , I want her left out of this part , " said Dannii . " She 's not as strong as me . She 'll be safe here if I lock her in the room . " Hannibal looked at the fiery sparkle in Dannii 's eyes and smiled . She could be just as stubborn as he could , if not more . " Okay , if this thing goes to plan , no - one will be sniffing round here once I leave . When the three of you get to the cabin , find a position and stay there . You 'll see me come down the path and then Barton should be behind me . That 's when we open fire , but not until you see Barton . " Murdock opened the back door and they made their way quickly across the garden and out through the gap in the hedge . They raced down the path and then reached the cabin . Murdock leapt down into a low ditch that ran round the edge of the lake . Dannii raced over to the cabin and ducked behind the wall , out of sight . They both had AR - 15 's with them , courtesy of BA 's van . They heard the rustle of the trees and BA shot out from the forest and ducked behind a large oak tree . They waited for Hannibal to come out into the clearing . Time passed and then Hannibal came into view . BA , Murdock and Dannii braced themselves as Hannibal moved into position behind a large bush and they waited . The trees of the clearing rustled and then Face came into view , being used as a human shield behind whom stood Barton , the barrel of his pistol pressed against Face 's forehead . " Drop your weapons and come out or I 'll kill him , " shouted Barton . Hannibal could see from where he was hiding that Face had been badly beaten . He was barely conscious and his head hung limply downwards , the bruising on his face evident . Hannibal 's heart contracted at the sight of him and he stepped forward , his arms held up in a gesture of surrender . " I want all three of you , " shouted Barton . Hannibal realised that Barton didn 't realise that Dannii was there too and prayed she didn 't show herself . It seemed as though she had heard him as Murdock and BA stepped into sight , their arms raised too . Dannii pressed herself against the cabin wall and prayed no one would see her . Barton moved forward , still keeping Face in front of him and several of his men ran into the clearing behind him . They covered Hannibal , Murdock and BA with their guns and then Barton threw Face forward . Hannibal knelt down and examined him quickly . There were cuts and bruises all over his body but there didn 't seem to be anything more serious than that . Barton grabbed Hannibal and dragged him up so the Colonel was facing him . " Doesn 't take much to outsmart you , does it ? " said Hannibal , grinning at Barton . Barton punched him in the stomach . Hannibal doubled over , then straightened up , quickly . Barton motioned him over to the cabin and , encouraged by the other men with guns pointed at them , the others followed . Dannii shrank back against the cabin wall , trying to make herself invisible . Barton locked the four men inside the cabin and laughed . " Quiet , " said Hannibal , listening . There was the sound of footsteps and then silence . Hannibal looked out of the cabin window . He could see at least three men surrounding the cabin and he would put money on there being more . He prayed Dannii had gone for help or at least hidden out of sight . Hannibal blushed and Murdock giggled . BA scrambled through the window and took Dannii 's AR - 15 off her . He motioned that the coast was clear and Murdock climbed through after him . Since nobody had thought to search them before locking them in the cabin , Murdock still had his pistol hidden inside his jacket . BA and Murdock moved slowly round , checking for any sign of Barton or his henchmen , while Dannii and Hannibal helped Face out of the window . When he was out , Dannii threw her arms round his neck and hugged him . " Come on , you guys , let 's get outta here , " said BA . As Barton and his men had no idea there was a separate path leading back to the house , his men were only guarding the front of the cabin . The five of them raced down the path and back to the hose but realised they were too late . From the gap in the hedge , they could see Barton talking to Kinclade . " Damn it , I want her found . " Hannibal motioned to Face to take the left , BA took the right , Murdock covered the rear and Hannibal took the point . On the count of three , Hannibal Raced through the gap in the hedge and took the nearest man out , straight away with a quick upper cut in the nose . Barton spun round to see what was going on , but Face was too fast for him and knocked him down with one blow . Kinclade took aim at Murdock who had followed Hannibal out of the hedge but BA came in from the right and fired a single shot , shattering his kneecap and Kinclade hit the floor , howling in pain . Murdock raced over to the house and went inside , Hannibal close behind him . As they burst through the door , they came face to face with Scottie Jakes , who Barton had freed from the cellar . " I 've got a score to settle with you , " said Jakes , aiming at Hannibal . He squeezed the trigger but fell to the floor . BA came through the front door , clutching his rifle . " Did I get him , " he grinned . They raced outside to where Face was finishing tying up Kinclade and the others . Hannibal dragged Jakes out too and they were all bound together . Dannii came through the bushes and grinned . " We just need to find your sister now , " said Hannibal . No one noticed that Barton had slowly begun to stir again . He quickly reached inside his jacket and withdrew a small handgun . He clicked the safety off and aimed directly at Murdock , who had his back to him . Dannii noticed and cried out to Murdock . Murdock spun round just as Barton pulled the trigger . Dannii leapt over and pushed Murdock out of the way but the bullet caught her smack in the chest and she fell to the ground , not moving . BA turned and fired at Barton , at the same time as Hannibal did . Barton fell to the ground , lifeless . Hannibal raced over to where Murdock was cradling Dannii . She grabbed Face 's collar and pulled him closer . BA put his arm round Murdock 's shoulder and moved him away . Murdock threw himself into BA 's arms and started sobbing . BA held Murdock while he cried . Dannii tried to sit up , but the pain was too much . She motioned for Face and Hannibal to come closer then she started to whisper . " I 'm Dannii , but I 'm also Debbie as well . It was me playing two parts all along . I never meant to hurt either of you , but I just need to explain and apologise before I go . " " And neither did I . I never planned this , it wasn 't something I had plotted , it just happened . When I was with you , you made me feel special , I 'd never experienced anything like it before . You made me come alive as a woman . You showed me what it was like to love and be loved and I 'll always remember that day by the lake and how incredibly magical it was . " " Yes , I love you both . What started out as a harmless game turned into something more . In the end , it got out of hand and there was no way I could tell either of you , because then I would have had to choose . I couldn 't do that , I couldn 't choose between you two . Maybe , it 's better this way . " " Don 't say that , " said Face , tears falling down his face . The sight of Face 's grief was too much for Hannibal and his own tears spilled over . Dannii reached up and wiped the tears away from Hannibal , then Face . " Don 't hate each other , there was no way you could have known . Face , when I was with you , I was Debbie , I was a different person to Dannii . I hope you both don 't hate me for this . " Dannii closed her eyes , the pain too much for her . She opened them again and reached out for Hannibal . He took hold of her left hand and Face clasped her right hand , willing for her to hold on until the ambulance arrived . Dannii closed her eyes again and Hannibal felt her hand slip away , at the same time , Face felt the same . The black van pulled up outside the Ryding Valley cemetery and the four occupants got out , slowly checking for any military people who might be tailing them . They walked slowly over to where there was a brightly polished headstone , underneath lay flowers and cuddly toys . The gravestone read : - The four men stood silent for a moment . They had not been able to attend the funeral the week earlier , due to the presence in the town of the military and police and the like . They heard that Barton 's men had been arrested and charged with assault , arson , obtaining property by deception and kidnap . However , due to Face being the kidnap victim , that charge had been dropped but they were still facing a lengthy prison sentence . Frank and Thelma Scott had received the deeds to their property back and were taking a vacation in Texas with their daughter , Debbie . BA stepped forward and knelt down by the grave . The other three stepped back slightly . " Hey , little mama , that was a mighty brave thing you did . You proved yourself to be a true team member that day . Just wish you hadn 't paid the price for it . I 'm really gonna miss ya , kid . You would have made a great addition to the team . " BA placed a small toy cat on top of the grave and prayed . He then stood up and returned to the group . Murdock rested his hand on BA 's shoulder before stepping forward to the grave . He bent down and placed his favourite blue cap on the grave then knelt down beside it . " What did you go and do that for , crazy girl ? You shouldn 't have stopped that bullet for me , I 'd give anything to be in your place now , if it only meant you were back here with Hannibal and Faceman . They both miss you like crazy . I 'll let you into a secret though , I knew it was you all along . Well , not all along but when you stood up to Hannibal to find Face , I knew it was more than a guilty conscience . I saw it in your eyes when you bound my hand in that tea towel . I saw how much you loved him , and then I knew it was you . God bless you , Chiquita . " Murdock stood up and ran over to the van , tears in his eyes . BA went after him and Face walked slowly over tot he gravestone . He took off his gold chain and placed it gently besides Murdock 's cap . " That 's for you , baby . I can 't begin to tell you how much I miss you . You meant the world to me and in my head , I know you 're Dannii but to me , you 'll always be Debbie . You gave me so much taught me how to love again . I love you , baby and I always will . I 'll never forget you and I 'll always be grateful for that day up at the cabin . I 'll never look at a fireplace the same way again . Life hasn 't been the same since you left though . Eating , walking , talking even breathing is hard without you . You were my life and although it was only for a short time , you made me live again too . I know how much Hannibal misses you too . You 'll be glad to know that we both understand your reasons for doing what you did , it won 't come between us , because like you said , you were two different people . We only dated the same body , not the same spirit . I promise to love you and cherish you for always and I 'll never forget you . Goodbye , my love . " Face stood up and kissed the gravestone . He walked back to Hannibal and squeezed his arm . He knew how difficult this was going to be for Hannibal . He 'd just done it himself , but for the Colonel , it was always going to be the toughest . Hannibal patted his hand and then Face joined BA and Murdock by the van and watched from a distance as Hannibal approached the grave . " I don 't really know where to begin , kid . Stopping that bullet , you did what any one of us would have done . But godammit , I need you here with me , I need you to help me get through the day . Without you , there 's no reason for getting up in the mornings , no reason for sleeping at night . Life has no reason any more . God chose to take you and I 'll never understand his reasons , same as I 'll always thank him for leading you to me in the first place . Why couldn 't you hold on though just a little longer ? I 'll never forget the moment you slipped away from me . It will haunt me for the rest of my life . It doesn 't matter how many times you face death or see death , it never gets easier and for it to be the girl I was going to marry , it 's too much to bear . Some days I get up and find myself wishing to join you or even replace you . Your parents will never forgive me , I gave them my word that you 'd be safe and a day won 't pass without me feeling so guilty that I couldn 't keep that promise . I should have stood my ground , made you stay in the house or even made you go with your mom and dad , leave town where you 'd have been safe . But I know you , you would have found a way to come back . You were the most stubborn , independent , brave and most beautiful woman I 've ever met . You 'll always be in my heart , forever . I love you , Dannii and I always will . Rest in peace , my angel . "

Hello everyone ! I am indeed still among the living . I just have a crazy schedule that does not allow much time for writing these days , but I feel like I need to . At least I have to tell the story of Georgia in the Jungle Book play at school . I wrote about Sonya and Lana 's experiences , so it would be unfair of me to not talk about little GG . Plus then , when she gets older , I 'll never hear the end of it about how she , as the youngest child , always got the shit end of the stick . Less writing in the baby book , less pictures of her , blah , blah . It 's a song my little sister Megan likes to sing sometimes . Well , I 'm here to make sure that doesn 't happen to G ! At least in talking about her part in the 2nd grade play . For those of you who have been with me a while , you might remember reading about Sonya 's experience with this and then Lana , who ended up with the same part Sonya had when she was in 2nd grade . This is one of the things I love about my girls all growing up in the same place . I moved around so much when I was a kid and my sisters never had the chance to have the favorite teacher I did or get the same part in the play . We didn 't have similar experiences to compare . Which is fine , I swear I 'm not harboring a grudge - well maybe a tiny one - however I like that my girls can share and compare their similar childhood experiences . Now unlike Sonya , who was petrified to get on stage , Georgia is my ham . She is the one who longs to be in the spotlight and have everyone looking at her - as long as they are supposed to be looking at her . When they started discussing the Jungle Book at school in January , Georgia was dying to play the part of King Louie . I honestly have no idea why she wanted to be him , but that was who she had her heart set on . Then she came home in tears one day because she wasn 't going to get the chance to try out for King Louie . They were organizing it a bit differently this year and each 2nd grade class had a group of animals they could try out for . Her class was not the monkeys . Her class was Kaa the snak " But I might end up in your bed in the middle of the night . . . . Consequences ! " They auditioned in their class for the teacher . Then their teacher picked two kids to move on to audition with the other Baloo , and main part hopefuls in the other classes . ( You 're going to Hollywood ! ) Her teacher kept telling me how great she was for the part , but they had to see the other kids first before they could decide . Of course none were as good as Georgia , not to brag , but yet to brag , and she got the part . Little GG was going to play the part of Big Bear Baloo ! Over the next month and a half , they rehearsed the play at school . I kept hearing from all the 2nd grade teachers how great she was doing and how cute she was . We worked on her lines at home and I could see how into this she was . Her only problem was running the lines too quickly . She was so nervous the night before and the morning of the performance . We could barely talk to her without her getting mad or bursting into tears . She was jumpy ! I was just praying she wasn 't going to get a migraine . Don 't worry - she didn 't . This isn 't one of those stories , but I was sweating it . She hadn 't had one since December and she was due . Thankfully it happened two weeks AFTER this . The school held two performances and we went to both . I even took Sonya out of school for a bit one day , so she could come watch her sister . I was nervous for her , but she remembered every line and played the part adorably well . People I didn 't know came up to me afterward to tell me how cute she was . She really was . She is easily one of the smallest kids in her class - as all of my girls are , they come by it naturally - and here she was playing the part of what was supposed to be a big bear . I was so proud of the great job she did and of course cried at the beginning of both performances . I am such a sap ! The best part is she loved every minute of it . She loved the acting and getting the laughs and she loved the spotlight . I guess something else she comes by naturally . It 's been so crazy to watch each of my girls do this play and each in a different way . Even though Sonya and Lana had the same part they certainly didn 't play it the same way . Then having Georgia play a main part brought it to a different level . I 'm so glad they go to a school that will do things like this for the kids . There was talk of it not happening this year , and I would have been heartbroken if it didn 't . I feel like things came full circle while watching Georgia up there , after having seen it two times before with the other two . Not to mention that this really sparked something inOn the plus side - I am anxious to see what they will choose to focus on in their lives and if something like this play really will spark something in Georgia . I love watching their lives unfold and seeing what kind of people they will become . I will NOT love the attitudes that are about to explode in my house over the next eight years though . Especially if this acting bug kicks in . The drama that will follow ! Oh Lawdy ! Pray for me people ! Posted by There are times as a mom when you realize that you can do superhuman things . Like lifting a car off your child trapped underneath , or grabbing them before they get hit by a truck in the street , or changing a full set of sheets under a sleeping child . Yup . I did that last one . Just call me Supermom ! A few weeks ago we had that big game that some refer to as the Superbowl . Perhaps you 've seen it ? Well some years we 've had parties , some years we 've gone to parties . This year we didn 't really care so much about who was playing , but it 's still nice to have a couple people over and eat unhealthy , but yummy food , while having an excuse to start drinking at 2pm . Also why I love Thanksgiving . We weren 't going to have anyone over , but decided last minute that eating unhealthy food and drinking alone ( mostly me ) would be sad . So we invited a couple of our friends who had been around for the Patriots playoff games with us the weeks before . Yes , we are Patriots fans and I love Tom Brady . Do not judge or start making cheating jokes because I 'm very over it . Anyway - our friends brought over a ton of food and I made a few things , as I always do , because I come from an Italian family . There is never such a thing as too much food . We had too much food . I mean it was ridiculous how much food we had . We could have had half the Patriots at our house and still have enough to inflate all the balls with food . ( See - I can make fun of us too ) . In regular every day life , we do a good job with balancing out what the girls eat . I make sure they have fruits and / or a veggie with every meal , lean protein , some good carbs . Yes , we have desserts sometimes , and maybe baked chips or pirates booty , but when I look around at what other people feed their kids on a regular basis , I am so proud of the job I do with them . I know we are teaching them the right way to stay healthy and , hopefully , not become overweight in their future . HOWEVER - I will let them eat whatever they want on special occasions , such as the Superbowl . On days like that they will go all out , but for the most part they will only eat until they are full . They will still select some carrot sticks amongst their mounds of tortilla chips and mini hot dogs , so at least something good is getting in there . I ignore the fact that said carrots are covered in ranch . At least there is a veggie there somewhere . I will cut them off after two desserts . Although Sonya will try for that third cookie or cupcake . So , yes , it 's not the best day of eating but it 's one day . They will usually complain about stomach aches afterward too , so it 's kinda a good lesson as well . Well maybe not , because after 42 years , I end up complaining of the same thing at the end of the night . I also love eating a lot of unhealthy food at once . I guess when you eat well all the time it 's fun to be bad for a minute . Sonya and Lana do know when to stop eating . Georgia , on the other hand , is a different story . That girl loves her some chips . If there is a bowl of chips somewhere , she will find it and eat the entire bowl if I let her . In fact - funny side story - Last weekend we went to Big Bear to go skiing . The place we rented had a big game room complete with pool table , bar , poker table , etc . I was behind the bar and said , " Oh they even have poker chips . " Georgia 's ears perked up upon hearing this and said , " Where at the chips ? " I didn 't even think about it , and pointed her in the direction when Andy knowing what she was looking for said , " Everything isn 't always about eating Georgia . " When I saw the look of disappointment on her face as she saw the poker chips , I realized that she thought I had been talking about some kind of potato chip . Oh Georgia ! Back to my original story ! As I was cleaning up after everyone left , I saw Georgia at the counter shoveling more tortilla chips into her mouth . I told her that was enough and shooed her away to go get ready for bed . I knew she had had plenty to eat that night , and there was no way she could still be hungry , but she couldn 't resist . ( WAIT ! Before I go any further with this story , I 'm giving fair warning to all you stomach squeamish people who might be eating . Either don 't read this now , or don 't eat right now . Trust me . ) The girls got ready and went to bed , and I was just about to go tuck them in when Sonya ran into the kitchen in a panic . " Georgia is throwing up ! ! " Wait what ? She was perfectly fine 10 minutes ago , downing what might have been her 10th helping of chips . . . . Oooohhh . Yeah . Maybe too MANY chips . Huh . I calmly asked Sonya to go get me the throw up bucket from the garage and went to the little girls room where Georgia was throwing up into a puddle on her bed . Yeah , I know . It gets more gross , so just wait . Sonya came running in with the bucket just in time for Georgia to spit the very last of her puke in it . So that did no good . Then I noticed it . Did I mention Georgia was on the top bunk ? Sure there was a nice neat puddle of puke on her sheets in front of her , but before she decided to throw up there she decided to first go over the side of the bunk bed . Which hit Lana 's bottom bunk below her , and the trundle bed under Lana 's below that , and the floor . It was spectacular . I also noticed Lana was completely passed out . It was 9 : 30 , but she had only been in bed about three minutes which I thought was odd . However , it makes sense looking back now , because the next afternoon she came down with Influenza A . It must have been brewing . Never a dull moment . The point is there was a lot of puke in many different places to clean up , and I needed to figure out where to start . So I called in reinforcements . " Andy ! Get in here ! " He came running into the room and knew what the situation was from the smell that hit him in the face . I told you there was more gross coming . Oh the smell . It 's not bad enough that vomit has to look gross , but the smell is just not something you can get away from right way . " I need you to help me clean this up , " I told him . Needless to say , he was thrilled . Normally , I would have just taken care of a situation like this , but this time I needed help . So I put him in charge of taking the soiled sheets off Georgia 's bed , while I went to work on the side of the bed puke . Andy wasn 't sure how to take the sheets off because there was so much of it in one pile . So he came up with the brilliant idea of shoveling it all into a garbage bag first . I 'm impressed he got through it without adding to the pile himself . So . Very . Gross . After he took care of that , I had him take care of getting Georgia cleaned up , who as it turned out wasn 't so bad . She had managed not to get any on her person , so score one for her in that category . Still , l she needed a face wash and a toothbrush . There wasn 't a lot of throw up over the side of the bed , but enough to make it so I had to change Lana 's sheets . Oh and there was the fact that the bunk beds just have a mattress laying on top of wooden slates . So whatever didn 't make it on the mattress , fell in between those slates . On both the top AND bottom bunk . Have I ever mentioned how much a pain in the ass bunk beds are for SO many reasons ? Sure they save space , but that 's the end of their good side . Making them sucks . Changing the sheets takes days and will break every nail you have , but unfortunately they are very necessary in our small house . So after I cleaned under Georgia 's mattress and the wooden slates , I had to figure out what to do about a sleeping Lana and her dirty sheets . Do I wake her , move her , or try and just change the sheets around her ? I decided to do that last one , since it sounded the most challenging . Because I mean changing sheets on a bunk bed is difficult enough . But The taking off the sheets wasn 't too difficult . That was just a lot of pulling from underneath her . No biggie . It was getting the new ones on that proved to be more of a challenge . Let 's keep in mind that I had to replace the mattress cover as well , So not one but TWO bottoms sheets . Oh , and I had to lift up the side of her mattress first to clean down those wooden slates , where the puke was stuck . After I did that I got the two bottom sheets out and I started at the top on one corner , then managed to roll her on top of the sheet and do the other corner . Once I got the top part of the bed done it was easier to pull the sheet down to do the bottom . Especially because Lana is a peanut and only takes up half the bed . The top sheet was a piece of cake since it was just covering her up and tucking under the mattress . When I was done , Lana was still completely asleep and in a new set of sheets . The next morning I asked her about it , and she had no recollection of the entire incident . She wasn 't even aware that Georgia had gotten sick . As for Georgia , she was not ill in any way . I thought perhaps she was at first , since the stomach bug had been circulating at school and gave her the benefit of the doubt , but she was immediately better after she threw up and fine the next day . Andy had said so , but I didn 't believe it until the next day , she had simply eaten to much . Or maybe just too many chips . Which you think would stop her , but not at all . That story about the poker chips was just last week . So I will continue to do what I can to help reinforce the good eating habits with a fun eating day here and there for them , however , perhaps the next time I do need to monitor how much they are eating a bit more . But hey ! At least I discovered what a badass I am at changing sheets with a sleeping kid in them . Okay fine that hardly makes me a badass , but I 'm a stay at home mom . Let me have this one . Posted by Hey there ! Yes it 's me . I know I totally fell into the pit of being overwhelmed and overburdened with a thousand things to do with school and the holidays , which left me no time to write . I wrote a bunch of blogs in my head , but none of them made it to the computer . Looking forward to the day where I can think something and Suri will write it down for me . I even got a little bah humbuggy at one point because of how crazy everything was . Even though I still have much going on - like helping to produce the Variety Show at the girls ' school - I decided to put everything else I should be doing right now on hold ( changing sheets , cleaning , getting cat litter ) to do the one thing I like to do for me . Writing . So with that here 's a little story about a New Year 's Eve Day trip we took last week . ( Was it really only LAST week . ) Over the holidays we didn 't have any family in town which was ( sorry parents ) kinda nice . I mean don 't get me wrong , I love when my parents or Andy 's parents come and spend Christmas with us . The kids love them being there and it 's nice to have a big family together for the holidays . However , every three years it 's also kinda nice to not entertain parents for a week or more . This year was that year . So there was more hanging out and just doing nothing , which is good for us since we are always doing something every damn minute of every damn day . The only bad part about doing nothing for a family who is very active , is that after a while we start to go a little stir crazy . So we decided that on New Year 's Eve , during the day , we would drive to the mountains to a sledding park . One of the advantages of living here in Southern California is that we are so close to the mountains to go sledding anytime in the winter if we want . Even though we hadn 't had any rain yet last week , the sledding parks all make their own snow . The other great thing was that it was actually cold here this Christmas . In fact while we were in the 50 's here on Christmas day my in laws were sweating it out in the 70s in Rhode Island . Crazy ! Since it was so cool here it was even colder in the mountains which was perfect for the snow making and sledding . I found a place on line that is only about an hour from our house , called Mt . Baldy . When we got there we were to purchase tickets to take a " scenic lift " to the top of the mountain where we could do the snow tubing . They also have skiing and snowboarding but we weren 't going that crazy for one day . After we bundled up and purchased our tickets we walked up a little hill to the lift . That 's when we realized the lift chairs were only for 2 people . Last time I counted there were 5 of us , and three of us are kids . Huh . How was this going to work ? I wasn 't crazy about the idea of Sonya going by herself , and sending her with one of the girls could prove disastrous . I didn 't need a fight to break out on t " Not here . " " Because Sonya can 't ride the lift by herself and it 's colder up there than it is down here even . " They were already freezing in the 32 degree temp . " So we aren 't going to go sledding at ALL ? ? " Neither one of us was optimistic about it being easy to get our money back , but turns out it was ! They were very nice about it after we explained that we had no idea about the age for the chairlift . So we were happy we didn 't lose any money on it , but now what the hell do we do ? We had decided to go to this mountain because it was closer than the one in Big Bear . Were we even in the right direction of heading to the other one ? Unfortunately , it took us a bit to find out since there was no service on the mountain . Once we got to the bottom I found that the other place I had looked at was less than an hour from where we were . Since we had left the house so early it was only 11am at that point , so we decided to go for it . We arrived at the tubing park about an hour later . No traffic at all thank goodness ! This place was right off the side of the road , no lift , and cheaper than the other place . So win win ! We went and got our tickets . Georgia and I made a trip to the disgusting outhouses . Side note here - Why , in the year 2016 , have we not figured out a better way to keep an outhouse clean ? Those things are the most disgusting places on earth . I am always so grossed out when I go in one . I have been in nicer ones that are brought in for outdoor weddings or other such things , but then they are usually newer and not used at all yet . The ones on the mountains though are just so incredibly gross . I just tell the girls the whole time we are in there , " whatever you do , don 't look down . " I gag now just thinking about it . Back to the main story . . . After we paid and grabbed our tubes , we headed to one of the smaller hills because the girls were a little nervous and wanted to start there . To be honest I was fine starting there too . Sonya and Georgia went down almost immediately raving about how much fun it was and climbed the stairs to go again . Lana though . Well Lana and I spent 10 minutes on that first little hill together . She was nervous to go down , I sat there trying to convince her everyone else was still alive after sledding , and she would be too . I think it was that fact that she had to go on her belly head first that freaked her out . She would start to lay down and then say " No , no , no , I don 't want to . " Andy claimed I was babying her , but I know how Lana is . She has always been this way . It takes her a minute to try anything new , food , swimming , jumping off the diving board , skiing , sledding , bike riding , roller blading , whatever . She is convinced something bad is going to happen to her . I knew as soon as she did it though she would love it . I 'm not sure exactly what it was that made her finally go . At one point I gave up trying to convince her and went down without her to show her it was fine . Not to long after that , she went with me and that was that . There was no stopping her . She loved it as I knew she would . When we first got there all three of the girls agreed they weren 't going near the big hill . Even after Lana had been going down the smaller one , she pointed to the big hill and said , " There is no way I 'm going down that one ! " " That 's fine , " I told her . At the end of our hour we were all riding down that big hill . And we were all loving it . It is only an hour you pay for at a time . You can go more , but then you pay more . At first I thought - an hour that 's it ? But trust me , after walking up those stairs a bunch of times you are exhausted and done after your hour . At one point we all went down together which was comedic . I laughed so hard when , at one point , Andy was trying to push us all down the hill together , and Sonya and Georgia accidentally broke free leaving Andy holding on to Georgia 's mitten at the top of the hill . Andy and the girls going down the hill together . It was one of the best family days we 've had as a family and a great way to end the year . The girls keep talking about how they want to go back . It was fairly easy too , minus the detour we made to the other mountain an hour away . I was proud of us that we found a way to salvage the day even though we ran into a problem and our original plan didn 't work out . It was a good lesson for all of us . Especially for me , because when my plans get thrown off I tend to get anxious . It was one of those days where I thought to myself , " We are good at family ! " * ( credit to that line goes to the show The Goldbergs , which if you aren 't watching you should be ! ) Happy 2016 everyone ! Hope to write more for you in this year and here 's to everyone finding a day where they feel they are good at family too . I know all to well how some days that is so hard to do . Sonya and Georgia A couple weeks ago , the little girls were sitting at the counter in the kitchen doing their homework . I was getting dinner ready and helping them when needed . They started chatting to each other about life will be like when they get older and have families and lives of their own . I was surprised to learn that they had worked out such a great solution on their own to what haunts every mother around the world . The pull between wanting to stay home and raise your kids on your own , and wanting to continue to be in the working world to keep your own identity , and because you know , money . They had thought of a job sharing situation all on their own . Not that either one of them know what they want to do for a job , so who knows if it would even lend itself to this scenario , but hey ! Good for them for thinking of this . Then Georgia thought of something better . Georgia - " Wait a minute ! Why don 't we just make our HUSBANDS stay home and WE will go to work ! " Wow . We sure have come a long way in just a couple of generations . From woman doing no work outside the home , to working or staying home , to working and having Dad stay home and having it be a NORMAL situation . I will admit , I have worried from time to time that my staying home with the girls might make them think that they shouldn 't work or shouldn 't want to work , but I truly believe that everyone needs to do what is right for them . I do feel sometimes I am looked down on for not working at all , but I like being a stay at home mom . I think moms who work are doing what is best for them as well and we should all be tolerant of what others decide to do for their own families . And Dads ! My generation has definitely been the first to do this . It 's nice to know that my girls ' generation will be the first to make it not such a novelty . After listening to their conversation about this , I realized I have done a good job conveying to them that they make whatever decision they want as far as working and family is concerned . We are no longer expected to fit into one mold or another and I think that is a great success for both moms AND dads . Posted by Getting up in the morning has always been a chore for me . I don 't know how I was as a little kid , but I can remember being older and my mom threatening to pour buckets of water on me if I didn 't get my ass out of bed . I HATED getting up in the morning . I still do . So I don 't know why I find it so hard to believe that my girls are right there with me . Well , not all of them . Lana is most definitely without a doubt the best morning person you 've ever seen . Yes , I said Lana . During the week , I aim to get everyone up between 6 : 30 - 6 : 40 depending on when I drag my own ass out of bed . Sonya sets an alarm , hits snooze a couple of times , and I still have to make sure she gets up . She is not fun to get up . She huffs , and whines and buries herself back under the covers . Sometimes Georgia is in her bed with her , because I don 't know that I have told you all this but , Georgia does not like to sleep alone in her bed . She always ends up in someone else 's bed in the middle of the night . Usually mine and Andy 's first , but I move her after I wake up to find myself on two inches of mattress at 4AM with her feet in my face . Since Sonya has a double bed , I usually opt to put her in there . I try to put her back in her own bed , believe me . Sometimes she refuses to go , gets stubborn and at 4AM you tend to give in to what the hell they want so you can just go back to sleep , dammit ! Anyway - when she is in Sonya 's bed in the morning I have to wake her up at the same time . I usually drag her out of Sonya 's bed and carry her to her room where I plop her on the floor . There she stays curled in a ball snoozing for at least another ten minutes . Then I go to the kitchen where every two minutes , I yell for them to get up and get moving while making breakfast . It 's an incredibly enjoyable morning routine I assure you . Especially since I myself hate to get up and am always exhausted . If it weren 't for the fabulous people who invented coffee , I would never survive . The other day Georgia wrote out her daily morning routine on the whiteboard in her roomFor those of you who can 't read my daughter 's beautiful handwriting she acquired from me , after " wake up " she wrote " gron " . Which of course means " groan " , but hey she 's a 2nd grader , we are still working on the spelling . Either way , she made sure she added into her morning routine a way to let everyone know how unhappy she was to be awake at that time of the morning . Yup , those two are fun times to get going every morning . Usually by Friday they are marginally better have it down , but then that pesky weekend comes and they sleep in throwing everything off on Monday morning . It 's a vicious cycle . Yes I know I should have them wake up at the same time on the weekend , but screw that . Andy and I want to sleep in too ! There is one spot of sunshine every morning though . . . Lana . I do not wake Lana up ever . Last year she started getting up on her own . Then she asked for an alarm clock so we go her one for her birthday . What 8 year old asks for an alarm clock as a birthday present ? Now she sets it for 6 : 15 every morning . When it goes off she immediately turns it off . No snooze for her ! Then she proceeds to get dressed , make her bed , some mornings she will remember to unload her dishwasher or feed the cat when it 's her turn . When I come to their rooms in the morning to wake everyone up , there is Lana sitting on her made bed reading her latest book , with a smile and a cheery , " Good morning , mommy ! " I do NOT know where this kid came from ! Because as I said , I have never been a morning person , so you would think that perhaps Andy is or was , but no . Some days he groans louder than Georgia when he has to wake up . All I do know is I am so thankful that Lana is the way she is . I suppose if I think about it I have my parents genetics to thank . My parents have always been morning people . My mother especially . She was the type to wake you up with a song . Oh how I hated that song in the morning . She was always so damn cheery . So perhaps the early bird gene got passed on to Lana . ( Thanks mom and dad ! ) I 'm glad it did , because if all three of them were super grumpy in the morning , I 'm not sure any amount of coffee would get me through that first hour of the day . With Lana 's smiling face and happy morning disposition , I can deal with what the other two throw at me . On the plus side , this past week I have been trying to put Georgia back in her bed after she comes to our bed in the middle of the night . Sonya does not like having her in her bed , because of Georgia 's starfish style of sleeping . Can 't blame the girl I guess . So because she has been in her own bed in the mornings , Lana has decided to get Georgia up with her . It 's been like a dream . Both of them up , dressed and in pleasant moods . Only Sonya has been the obstacle . I just need Lana to rubKristi Well here we are three weeks into the school year and I finally have my shit together to sit down and write something . Anything at this point ! I always thought that when my girls were all in school I would have all this time to get everything done . Turns out having all my girls in school means that I am in school more too . I help out in the classrooms and chair a few PTA positions , so I end up with almost no time to do other things like writing . However , I decided to forget about everything I 'm supposed to be doing right now , to get back to my writing for a minute . Especially because there is so much in my head that I keep thinking about wanting to write about . Today it 's about middle school . Yes , Sonya started middle school this year . I know some places middle school doesn 't start until 7th grade and to be honest that might have been a better transition for us , but since Burbank Unified doesn 't care about just my family , we had to go with what has already been in place for years . It was a bit of a rough transition . Well , let me clarify that . It was a bit of a rough anticipation time this summer . As most of you know , Sonya is already on the young side of her peers . Because her birthday is in November , and because when she started school the cut off date was December 1st , she started Kindergarten at four , turning five in November of that year . It was a decision we struggled with and one which we would not have to think about today if she was going to kindergarten . They moved the cut off date to September here in Burbank now . We felt like we made the right decision at that time , because she was so smart , and academically she has always done well in school . Emotionally , she is sometimes a bit behind . She was sad to leave elementary school in May and this summer we went through some rough patches with her . She was very emotional at times , crying for what appeared to be no reason and just being generally melancholy . Now , I realize this is just a sign of things to come . I remember being 14 and it was not pretty . However I thought I had a least a couple more years of having to deal with this . No such luck . Some days she had so much attitude toward me I thought she was already 14 and I just missed it . Other days she was her normal sweet little girl self . Then there were the days of just general blahness . I try to keep the girls busy during the summer . They do a couple weeks of camp and we go everywhere from the beach to the museums here . Luckily we live in a place that there is no lack of fun things to do . That did not stop her from getting upset from time to time . The unfortunate part is that she seemed to get more moody once a month when I did . Not sure how our cycles are matching up already , since she 's nowhere near starting hers , but I swear it seemed to . So we got on each others nerves quite often . It was a bit rough . Thankfully , there is wine . And a Bev - mo is two miles away to buy more wine . For me , not her . Although some days that might not have been a bad idea . I think the Europeans are on to something giving their kids a glass of wine at dinner . As the end of the summer neared she started to get worse . Every time I would try to get to the root of the problem she would insist she didn 't know what it was . Her best friend , who 's birthday is in December and is almost an entire year older than she is , was ecstatic to start middle school . She couldn 't wait . When I thought about that , and combined it with the way Sonya was sad at the end of elementary school , sprinkle on being younger than everyone else . . . it finally hit me . We were in the car going to the beach one day during one of our last weeks . It had been another difficult morning with her where she ended up in tears and I was ready to tear my hair out . After a few minutes in the car I said , I then went on to explain to her that it is completely fine to be nervous and scared and even to embrace it . She needed to realize that is what was making her so unhappy and stop trying to fight it . I think she was having a constant battle with herself about this . I realized that maybe she thought everyone else was excited to go to middle school and she was the only one feeling this way . " Well , I have news for you , " I told her . " More people feel the way you do about going than the way Charlotte does . And if Charlotte is completely honest , even though I know she is excited , I am sure there is a part of her that is scared too . " " Of course ! " I told her . " It 's completely normal to feel the way you are ! It 's a new school with a whole new set of circumstances . I know for a fact that Garrett is nervous too . " About a week before we had been out at a concert in Burbank and I ran into another mom I knew . Her son and Sonya had been in classes together over the years at the elementary school . We had started talking about our summers and the kids starting middle school soon . I had mentioned Sonya 's emotional state and she said her son had been the exact same way all summer . Informing Sonya of this fact seemed to put her mind at ease . Over the next couple of weeks she became more pleasant and less stressed . We went back to school shopping and she started to become excited about the new year and new things to come . She was still nervous and would cry from time to time , but at least now she allowed herself to feel this way and not battle it . A couple weeks before school started we had to go register at the school and get her books and her lock for her locker . Seeing the school and becoming more familiar with it helped even more . She constantly asked me questions over the next few days about her locker , or her classes , most of which I couldn 't answer since I haven 't been to middle school in quite a few years , and never went to this one . One night at dinner she said , " I know , " I told her . " It 's one of the things you have to take on being the oldest . I totally understand that because it was the same for me . It 's hard , but it 's a good job for you and you will make it easier for them in a few years . " Knowing that she had the job of learning it all first seemed to help her even more . The first day of school came and she was a bundle of nerves , but she was definitely ready . She was up early and ready to go well before we had to . We all walked her down to the school to send her off on her first day . We were allowed that day to come on campus and walk our 6th graders to their lockers . As we entered the hall where her locker and first class were , I was immediately hit with the incredible urge to burst into tears . It was like taking her to her first day of Kindergarten all over again . Now I was the emotional one and it was completely unexpected . I swallowed hard and breathed deep , because it 's one thing for kids to see their parents crying on the first day of kindergarten , but it 's a WHOLE different embarrassing thing to see them cry on your first day of 6th grade . I couldn 't let her have that stigma . It took some doing but I managed to get through it without tears . She found her first class where Charlotte was already waiting . Coincidentally , they ended up in ALL the same classes , which was also a huge help for Sonya 's nerves . We hugged and kissed her goodbye and walked out of the school to let her begin her next adventure . THEN I cried . I mean I wasn 't going to hold back forever . The best part was when she came home that day . She couldn 't have been more happy or excited about being at school . She loved every minute of it and enjoyed every class . Sonya has always loved school , but the past couple of years that love started to wane , like it does for most kids . So perhaps she was ready to move on to changing classes , taking P . E . every day and housing all her belongings in a locker . I 've often questioned the decision we made to send her to school so early and sometimes think we made a mistake . Then I remember what a bright , strong , brave , independent , social , sweet girl Sonya is . She may be emotional , but she always finds a way to rise above . That four year old kindergartner turned into a 10 year old middle school er more quickly than I could have imagined or liked . I 'm positive that her middle school years will be just as successful as her elementary school years were . I know , without a doubt , that we did make the right decision all those year ago . I also know , that no matter what , I will always cry along with her with every transition she goes through . Why does no parenting book warn you of those things ? Excited and nervous I 'm sure I have mentioned somewhere in the 500 posts of this blog that our family is part of Red Sox Nation . By that I mean we are Red Sox fans . Well , let me qualify that . Andy has been a long suffering Red Sox fan since the day he was born , watching them lose throughout his childhood . When they won the World Series back in 2004 , for the first time in 86 years , I was pregnant with Sonya and only a month away from giving birth . While I wasn 't born a Red Sox fan as he was , I became one in college . I had never watched much baseball growing up , but if you are living in Boston without a baseball team you better start cheering for the Sox or you better get out of Boston . So I did . Cheer for the Sox that is . I loved Boston . It helped that my best friend , Melissa , and I could see Fenway Park from the roof of our apartment Senior year . So when they were in the playoffs back in ' 04 I was just as excited as any long life fan . Okay , perhaps I didn 't get all the suffering for so long , but still . I was pretty sure I was going to put myself into labor cheering for those games . Luckily I did not . Since then we have gotten to watch them win two more World Series . One when Lana was just a baby and one a couple years ago when all three girls were old enough to watch it on TV . Luckily they will not spend their baseball fan years pinning away for a team that seems cursed . They get to watch and cheer for the Red Sox knowing they have won 3 World Series ( so far ) in their lifetime . Before we had the girls , Andy and I would go to see the Sox play the Angels every summer when they came to Anaheim . We went a couple years after having the girls , and even took Sonya one year when she was about six . However , we haven 't been in at least four years . We 've taken the girls to a couple Dodgers games , just to see some baseball . For a long time the tickets for the Red Sox / Angles games were way to expensive for five of us . Just Andy and I going meant our tickets plus babysitting so we just forgot about it for a while . Then this summer , Melissa mentiHere . . That is Angels stadium at start time on Sunday evening . Good thing I got the high up seats . We were actually under cover . We sat there for a while thinking it would eventually stop . So did everyone else . People who couldn 't sit in their rain filled seats were hanging out on the concourse , consuming hot dogs and beer . The thing is about rain in SoCal , is that even if is does actually rain , it never lasts long . Maybe an hour , hour and a half tops . Well this is what the powers that be thought too , because they moved the start time of the game from 5 : 05 to 7 : 15 thinking that they could wait it out , clear off the field and start the game . We too were hopeful . We hung out with the rest of the fans at our seats , ate hot dogs , had a couple beers , chatted with each other , and were entertained by the videos of Angels players trying to " name that tune " , and watched it rain . My favorite part of that was when Sonya named Michael Jackson 's " Beat It " well before the player in the video . You gotta play the classics for your kids ! At one point I realized my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn was there with her family just a few sections over from us . So we all took a walk to say hi and chat with them . It was a party at the stadium in the rain ! And it did continue to rain . Huh . Then 7 o ' clock came . The sky started to look lighter and it appeared to be slowing down , but when you looked at the tarp covering the infield you could see it was still coming down . Still , it was slow enough for them to decide to do this . . . They were out there with push brooms , doing their best to get the water off the field , but it was a futile effort . They worked on it for 20 minutes , but the rain kept coming down . Then a few of them huddled together and five minutes later we heard what we were dreading . " Ladies and Gentleman , today 's game is being canceled due to rain . " A huge groan mixed with boos went up from the crowd . What is this " game being canceled due to rain you speak of ? ? " That was the thought of everyone there . We don 't see this kind of thing . We see sunshine and blue skies and sure , brown grass , but at least our outside activities never get ruined ! Unfortunately this one did . It was hard to be mad about it though , because damn do we need any rain we can get . We were informed that we could have come back the next afternoon for the makeup game , but unfortunately the girls were starting an afternoon Girl Scout camp . I would have been the only one able to go and where was the fun in that ? The girls were definitely disappointed . I was sad for Lana and Georgia who had been so excited to see their first Red Sox game . On the other hand , we kinda had a really fun night hanging out in the stadium , having dinner and watching it rain . It no doubt became a core memory for me as I 'm sure it did for my girls . ( For those of you who don 't know what I mean by " core memory " , go see Inside Out . The best Pixar movie ever . Loved it ! ) It will go down in our family history as , " remember that one time when we were supposed to see the Red Sox and Angles play . . . . " When we got home that night , I said to Georgia , " I 'm sorry that we didn 't get to see the game . " It 's all in how you look at things . Plus ! We a got to become part of baseball , and more specifically Angles history , by being at the first rain out game in over 20 years . And who doesn 't love being a part of history ? I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

Hello everyone ! I am indeed still among the living . I just have a crazy schedule that does not allow much time for writing these days , but I feel like I need to . At least I have to tell the story of Georgia in the Jungle Book play at school . I wrote about Sonya and Lana 's experiences , so it would be unfair of me to not talk about little GG . Plus then , when she gets older , I 'll never hear the end of it about how she , as the youngest child , always got the shit end of the stick . Less writing in the baby book , less pictures of her , blah , blah . It 's a song my little sister Megan likes to sing sometimes . Well , I 'm here to make sure that doesn 't happen to G ! At least in talking about her part in the 2nd grade play . For those of you who have been with me a while , you might remember reading about Sonya 's experience with this and then Lana , who ended up with the same part Sonya had when she was in 2nd grade . This is one of the things I love about my girls all growing up in the same place . I moved around so much when I was a kid and my sisters never had the chance to have the favorite teacher I did or get the same part in the play . We didn 't have similar experiences to compare . Which is fine , I swear I 'm not harboring a grudge - well maybe a tiny one - however I like that my girls can share and compare their similar childhood experiences . Now unlike Sonya , who was petrified to get on stage , Georgia is my ham . She is the one who longs to be in the spotlight and have everyone looking at her - as long as they are supposed to be looking at her . When they started discussing the Jungle Book at school in January , Georgia was dying to play the part of King Louie . I honestly have no idea why she wanted to be him , but that was who she had her heart set on . Then she came home in tears one day because she wasn 't going to get the chance to try out for King Louie . They were organizing it a bit differently this year and each 2nd grade class had a group of animals they could try out for . Her class was not the monkeys . Her class was Kaa the snak " But I might end up in your bed in the middle of the night . . . . Consequences ! " They auditioned in their class for the teacher . Then their teacher picked two kids to move on to audition with the other Baloo , and main part hopefuls in the other classes . ( You 're going to Hollywood ! ) Her teacher kept telling me how great she was for the part , but they had to see the other kids first before they could decide . Of course none were as good as Georgia , not to brag , but yet to brag , and she got the part . Little GG was going to play the part of Big Bear Baloo ! Over the next month and a half , they rehearsed the play at school . I kept hearing from all the 2nd grade teachers how great she was doing and how cute she was . We worked on her lines at home and I could see how into this she was . Her only problem was running the lines too quickly . She was so nervous the night before and the morning of the performance . We could barely talk to her without her getting mad or bursting into tears . She was jumpy ! I was just praying she wasn 't going to get a migraine . Don 't worry - she didn 't . This isn 't one of those stories , but I was sweating it . She hadn 't had one since December and she was due . Thankfully it happened two weeks AFTER this . The school held two performances and we went to both . I even took Sonya out of school for a bit one day , so she could come watch her sister . I was nervous for her , but she remembered every line and played the part adorably well . People I didn 't know came up to me afterward to tell me how cute she was . She really was . She is easily one of the smallest kids in her class - as all of my girls are , they come by it naturally - and here she was playing the part of what was supposed to be a big bear . I was so proud of the great job she did and of course cried at the beginning of both performances . I am such a sap ! The best part is she loved every minute of it . She loved the acting and getting the laughs and she loved the spotlight . I guess something else she comes by naturally . It 's been so crazy to watch each of my girls do this play and each in a different way . Even though Sonya and Lana had the same part they certainly didn 't play it the same way . Then having Georgia play a main part brought it to a different level . I 'm so glad they go to a school that will do things like this for the kids . There was talk of it not happening this year , and I would have been heartbroken if it didn 't . I feel like things came full circle while watching Georgia up there , after having seen it two times before with the other two . Not to mention that this really sparked something inOn the plus side - I am anxious to see what they will choose to focus on in their lives and if something like this play really will spark something in Georgia . I love watching their lives unfold and seeing what kind of people they will become . I will NOT love the attitudes that are about to explode in my house over the next eight years though . Especially if this acting bug kicks in . The drama that will follow ! Oh Lawdy ! Pray for me people ! Posted by There are times as a mom when you realize that you can do superhuman things . Like lifting a car off your child trapped underneath , or grabbing them before they get hit by a truck in the street , or changing a full set of sheets under a sleeping child . Yup . I did that last one . Just call me Supermom ! A few weeks ago we had that big game that some refer to as the Superbowl . Perhaps you 've seen it ? Well some years we 've had parties , some years we 've gone to parties . This year we didn 't really care so much about who was playing , but it 's still nice to have a couple people over and eat unhealthy , but yummy food , while having an excuse to start drinking at 2pm . Also why I love Thanksgiving . We weren 't going to have anyone over , but decided last minute that eating unhealthy food and drinking alone ( mostly me ) would be sad . So we invited a couple of our friends who had been around for the Patriots playoff games with us the weeks before . Yes , we are Patriots fans and I love Tom Brady . Do not judge or start making cheating jokes because I 'm very over it . Anyway - our friends brought over a ton of food and I made a few things , as I always do , because I come from an Italian family . There is never such a thing as too much food . We had too much food . I mean it was ridiculous how much food we had . We could have had half the Patriots at our house and still have enough to inflate all the balls with food . ( See - I can make fun of us too ) . In regular every day life , we do a good job with balancing out what the girls eat . I make sure they have fruits and / or a veggie with every meal , lean protein , some good carbs . Yes , we have desserts sometimes , and maybe baked chips or pirates booty , but when I look around at what other people feed their kids on a regular basis , I am so proud of the job I do with them . I know we are teaching them the right way to stay healthy and , hopefully , not become overweight in their future . HOWEVER - I will let them eat whatever they want on special occasions , such as the Superbowl . On days like that they will go all out , but for the most part they will only eat until they are full . They will still select some carrot sticks amongst their mounds of tortilla chips and mini hot dogs , so at least something good is getting in there . I ignore the fact that said carrots are covered in ranch . At least there is a veggie there somewhere . I will cut them off after two desserts . Although Sonya will try for that third cookie or cupcake . So , yes , it 's not the best day of eating but it 's one day . They will usually complain about stomach aches afterward too , so it 's kinda a good lesson as well . Well maybe not , because after 42 years , I end up complaining of the same thing at the end of the night . I also love eating a lot of unhealthy food at once . I guess when you eat well all the time it 's fun to be bad for a minute . Sonya and Lana do know when to stop eating . Georgia , on the other hand , is a different story . That girl loves her some chips . If there is a bowl of chips somewhere , she will find it and eat the entire bowl if I let her . In fact - funny side story - Last weekend we went to Big Bear to go skiing . The place we rented had a big game room complete with pool table , bar , poker table , etc . I was behind the bar and said , " Oh they even have poker chips . " Georgia 's ears perked up upon hearing this and said , " Where at the chips ? " I didn 't even think about it , and pointed her in the direction when Andy knowing what she was looking for said , " Everything isn 't always about eating Georgia . " When I saw the look of disappointment on her face as she saw the poker chips , I realized that she thought I had been talking about some kind of potato chip . Oh Georgia ! Back to my original story ! As I was cleaning up after everyone left , I saw Georgia at the counter shoveling more tortilla chips into her mouth . I told her that was enough and shooed her away to go get ready for bed . I knew she had had plenty to eat that night , and there was no way she could still be hungry , but she couldn 't resist . ( WAIT ! Before I go any further with this story , I 'm giving fair warning to all you stomach squeamish people who might be eating . Either don 't read this now , or don 't eat right now . Trust me . ) The girls got ready and went to bed , and I was just about to go tuck them in when Sonya ran into the kitchen in a panic . " Georgia is throwing up ! ! " Wait what ? She was perfectly fine 10 minutes ago , downing what might have been her 10th helping of chips . . . . Oooohhh . Yeah . Maybe too MANY chips . Huh . I calmly asked Sonya to go get me the throw up bucket from the garage and went to the little girls room where Georgia was throwing up into a puddle on her bed . Yeah , I know . It gets more gross , so just wait . Sonya came running in with the bucket just in time for Georgia to spit the very last of her puke in it . So that did no good . Then I noticed it . Did I mention Georgia was on the top bunk ? Sure there was a nice neat puddle of puke on her sheets in front of her , but before she decided to throw up there she decided to first go over the side of the bunk bed . Which hit Lana 's bottom bunk below her , and the trundle bed under Lana 's below that , and the floor . It was spectacular . I also noticed Lana was completely passed out . It was 9 : 30 , but she had only been in bed about three minutes which I thought was odd . However , it makes sense looking back now , because the next afternoon she came down with Influenza A . It must have been brewing . Never a dull moment . The point is there was a lot of puke in many different places to clean up , and I needed to figure out where to start . So I called in reinforcements . " Andy ! Get in here ! " He came running into the room and knew what the situation was from the smell that hit him in the face . I told you there was more gross coming . Oh the smell . It 's not bad enough that vomit has to look gross , but the smell is just not something you can get away from right way . " I need you to help me clean this up , " I told him . Needless to say , he was thrilled . Normally , I would have just taken care of a situation like this , but this time I needed help . So I put him in charge of taking the soiled sheets off Georgia 's bed , while I went to work on the side of the bed puke . Andy wasn 't sure how to take the sheets off because there was so much of it in one pile . So he came up with the brilliant idea of shoveling it all into a garbage bag first . I 'm impressed he got through it without adding to the pile himself . So . Very . Gross . After he took care of that , I had him take care of getting Georgia cleaned up , who as it turned out wasn 't so bad . She had managed not to get any on her person , so score one for her in that category . Still , l she needed a face wash and a toothbrush . There wasn 't a lot of throw up over the side of the bed , but enough to make it so I had to change Lana 's sheets . Oh and there was the fact that the bunk beds just have a mattress laying on top of wooden slates . So whatever didn 't make it on the mattress , fell in between those slates . On both the top AND bottom bunk . Have I ever mentioned how much a pain in the ass bunk beds are for SO many reasons ? Sure they save space , but that 's the end of their good side . Making them sucks . Changing the sheets takes days and will break every nail you have , but unfortunately they are very necessary in our small house . So after I cleaned under Georgia 's mattress and the wooden slates , I had to figure out what to do about a sleeping Lana and her dirty sheets . Do I wake her , move her , or try and just change the sheets around her ? I decided to do that last one , since it sounded the most challenging . Because I mean changing sheets on a bunk bed is difficult enough . But The taking off the sheets wasn 't too difficult . That was just a lot of pulling from underneath her . No biggie . It was getting the new ones on that proved to be more of a challenge . Let 's keep in mind that I had to replace the mattress cover as well , So not one but TWO bottoms sheets . Oh , and I had to lift up the side of her mattress first to clean down those wooden slates , where the puke was stuck . After I did that I got the two bottom sheets out and I started at the top on one corner , then managed to roll her on top of the sheet and do the other corner . Once I got the top part of the bed done it was easier to pull the sheet down to do the bottom . Especially because Lana is a peanut and only takes up half the bed . The top sheet was a piece of cake since it was just covering her up and tucking under the mattress . When I was done , Lana was still completely asleep and in a new set of sheets . The next morning I asked her about it , and she had no recollection of the entire incident . She wasn 't even aware that Georgia had gotten sick . As for Georgia , she was not ill in any way . I thought perhaps she was at first , since the stomach bug had been circulating at school and gave her the benefit of the doubt , but she was immediately better after she threw up and fine the next day . Andy had said so , but I didn 't believe it until the next day , she had simply eaten to much . Or maybe just too many chips . Which you think would stop her , but not at all . That story about the poker chips was just last week . So I will continue to do what I can to help reinforce the good eating habits with a fun eating day here and there for them , however , perhaps the next time I do need to monitor how much they are eating a bit more . But hey ! At least I discovered what a badass I am at changing sheets with a sleeping kid in them . Okay fine that hardly makes me a badass , but I 'm a stay at home mom . Let me have this one . Posted by Hey there ! Yes it 's me . I know I totally fell into the pit of being overwhelmed and overburdened with a thousand things to do with school and the holidays , which left me no time to write . I wrote a bunch of blogs in my head , but none of them made it to the computer . Looking forward to the day where I can think something and Suri will write it down for me . I even got a little bah humbuggy at one point because of how crazy everything was . Even though I still have much going on - like helping to produce the Variety Show at the girls ' school - I decided to put everything else I should be doing right now on hold ( changing sheets , cleaning , getting cat litter ) to do the one thing I like to do for me . Writing . So with that here 's a little story about a New Year 's Eve Day trip we took last week . ( Was it really only LAST week . ) Over the holidays we didn 't have any family in town which was ( sorry parents ) kinda nice . I mean don 't get me wrong , I love when my parents or Andy 's parents come and spend Christmas with us . The kids love them being there and it 's nice to have a big family together for the holidays . However , every three years it 's also kinda nice to not entertain parents for a week or more . This year was that year . So there was more hanging out and just doing nothing , which is good for us since we are always doing something every damn minute of every damn day . The only bad part about doing nothing for a family who is very active , is that after a while we start to go a little stir crazy . So we decided that on New Year 's Eve , during the day , we would drive to the mountains to a sledding park . One of the advantages of living here in Southern California is that we are so close to the mountains to go sledding anytime in the winter if we want . Even though we hadn 't had any rain yet last week , the sledding parks all make their own snow . The other great thing was that it was actually cold here this Christmas . In fact while we were in the 50 's here on Christmas day my in laws were sweating it out in the 70s in Rhode Island . Crazy ! Since it was so cool here it was even colder in the mountains which was perfect for the snow making and sledding . I found a place on line that is only about an hour from our house , called Mt . Baldy . When we got there we were to purchase tickets to take a " scenic lift " to the top of the mountain where we could do the snow tubing . They also have skiing and snowboarding but we weren 't going that crazy for one day . After we bundled up and purchased our tickets we walked up a little hill to the lift . That 's when we realized the lift chairs were only for 2 people . Last time I counted there were 5 of us , and three of us are kids . Huh . How was this going to work ? I wasn 't crazy about the idea of Sonya going by herself , and sending her with one of the girls could prove disastrous . I didn 't need a fight to break out on t " Not here . " " Because Sonya can 't ride the lift by herself and it 's colder up there than it is down here even . " They were already freezing in the 32 degree temp . " So we aren 't going to go sledding at ALL ? ? " Neither one of us was optimistic about it being easy to get our money back , but turns out it was ! They were very nice about it after we explained that we had no idea about the age for the chairlift . So we were happy we didn 't lose any money on it , but now what the hell do we do ? We had decided to go to this mountain because it was closer than the one in Big Bear . Were we even in the right direction of heading to the other one ? Unfortunately , it took us a bit to find out since there was no service on the mountain . Once we got to the bottom I found that the other place I had looked at was less than an hour from where we were . Since we had left the house so early it was only 11am at that point , so we decided to go for it . We arrived at the tubing park about an hour later . No traffic at all thank goodness ! This place was right off the side of the road , no lift , and cheaper than the other place . So win win ! We went and got our tickets . Georgia and I made a trip to the disgusting outhouses . Side note here - Why , in the year 2016 , have we not figured out a better way to keep an outhouse clean ? Those things are the most disgusting places on earth . I am always so grossed out when I go in one . I have been in nicer ones that are brought in for outdoor weddings or other such things , but then they are usually newer and not used at all yet . The ones on the mountains though are just so incredibly gross . I just tell the girls the whole time we are in there , " whatever you do , don 't look down . " I gag now just thinking about it . Back to the main story . . . After we paid and grabbed our tubes , we headed to one of the smaller hills because the girls were a little nervous and wanted to start there . To be honest I was fine starting there too . Sonya and Georgia went down almost immediately raving about how much fun it was and climbed the stairs to go again . Lana though . Well Lana and I spent 10 minutes on that first little hill together . She was nervous to go down , I sat there trying to convince her everyone else was still alive after sledding , and she would be too . I think it was that fact that she had to go on her belly head first that freaked her out . She would start to lay down and then say " No , no , no , I don 't want to . " Andy claimed I was babying her , but I know how Lana is . She has always been this way . It takes her a minute to try anything new , food , swimming , jumping off the diving board , skiing , sledding , bike riding , roller blading , whatever . She is convinced something bad is going to happen to her . I knew as soon as she did it though she would love it . I 'm not sure exactly what it was that made her finally go . At one point I gave up trying to convince her and went down without her to show her it was fine . Not to long after that , she went with me and that was that . There was no stopping her . She loved it as I knew she would . When we first got there all three of the girls agreed they weren 't going near the big hill . Even after Lana had been going down the smaller one , she pointed to the big hill and said , " There is no way I 'm going down that one ! " " That 's fine , " I told her . At the end of our hour we were all riding down that big hill . And we were all loving it . It is only an hour you pay for at a time . You can go more , but then you pay more . At first I thought - an hour that 's it ? But trust me , after walking up those stairs a bunch of times you are exhausted and done after your hour . At one point we all went down together which was comedic . I laughed so hard when , at one point , Andy was trying to push us all down the hill together , and Sonya and Georgia accidentally broke free leaving Andy holding on to Georgia 's mitten at the top of the hill . Andy and the girls going down the hill together . It was one of the best family days we 've had as a family and a great way to end the year . The girls keep talking about how they want to go back . It was fairly easy too , minus the detour we made to the other mountain an hour away . I was proud of us that we found a way to salvage the day even though we ran into a problem and our original plan didn 't work out . It was a good lesson for all of us . Especially for me , because when my plans get thrown off I tend to get anxious . It was one of those days where I thought to myself , " We are good at family ! " * ( credit to that line goes to the show The Goldbergs , which if you aren 't watching you should be ! ) Happy 2016 everyone ! Hope to write more for you in this year and here 's to everyone finding a day where they feel they are good at family too . I know all to well how some days that is so hard to do . Sonya and Georgia A couple weeks ago , the little girls were sitting at the counter in the kitchen doing their homework . I was getting dinner ready and helping them when needed . They started chatting to each other about life will be like when they get older and have families and lives of their own . I was surprised to learn that they had worked out such a great solution on their own to what haunts every mother around the world . The pull between wanting to stay home and raise your kids on your own , and wanting to continue to be in the working world to keep your own identity , and because you know , money . They had thought of a job sharing situation all on their own . Not that either one of them know what they want to do for a job , so who knows if it would even lend itself to this scenario , but hey ! Good for them for thinking of this . Then Georgia thought of something better . Georgia - " Wait a minute ! Why don 't we just make our HUSBANDS stay home and WE will go to work ! " Wow . We sure have come a long way in just a couple of generations . From woman doing no work outside the home , to working or staying home , to working and having Dad stay home and having it be a NORMAL situation . I will admit , I have worried from time to time that my staying home with the girls might make them think that they shouldn 't work or shouldn 't want to work , but I truly believe that everyone needs to do what is right for them . I do feel sometimes I am looked down on for not working at all , but I like being a stay at home mom . I think moms who work are doing what is best for them as well and we should all be tolerant of what others decide to do for their own families . And Dads ! My generation has definitely been the first to do this . It 's nice to know that my girls ' generation will be the first to make it not such a novelty . After listening to their conversation about this , I realized I have done a good job conveying to them that they make whatever decision they want as far as working and family is concerned . We are no longer expected to fit into one mold or another and I think that is a great success for both moms AND dads . Posted by Getting up in the morning has always been a chore for me . I don 't know how I was as a little kid , but I can remember being older and my mom threatening to pour buckets of water on me if I didn 't get my ass out of bed . I HATED getting up in the morning . I still do . So I don 't know why I find it so hard to believe that my girls are right there with me . Well , not all of them . Lana is most definitely without a doubt the best morning person you 've ever seen . Yes , I said Lana . During the week , I aim to get everyone up between 6 : 30 - 6 : 40 depending on when I drag my own ass out of bed . Sonya sets an alarm , hits snooze a couple of times , and I still have to make sure she gets up . She is not fun to get up . She huffs , and whines and buries herself back under the covers . Sometimes Georgia is in her bed with her , because I don 't know that I have told you all this but , Georgia does not like to sleep alone in her bed . She always ends up in someone else 's bed in the middle of the night . Usually mine and Andy 's first , but I move her after I wake up to find myself on two inches of mattress at 4AM with her feet in my face . Since Sonya has a double bed , I usually opt to put her in there . I try to put her back in her own bed , believe me . Sometimes she refuses to go , gets stubborn and at 4AM you tend to give in to what the hell they want so you can just go back to sleep , dammit ! Anyway - when she is in Sonya 's bed in the morning I have to wake her up at the same time . I usually drag her out of Sonya 's bed and carry her to her room where I plop her on the floor . There she stays curled in a ball snoozing for at least another ten minutes . Then I go to the kitchen where every two minutes , I yell for them to get up and get moving while making breakfast . It 's an incredibly enjoyable morning routine I assure you . Especially since I myself hate to get up and am always exhausted . If it weren 't for the fabulous people who invented coffee , I would never survive . The other day Georgia wrote out her daily morning routine on the whiteboard in her roomFor those of you who can 't read my daughter 's beautiful handwriting she acquired from me , after " wake up " she wrote " gron " . Which of course means " groan " , but hey she 's a 2nd grader , we are still working on the spelling . Either way , she made sure she added into her morning routine a way to let everyone know how unhappy she was to be awake at that time of the morning . Yup , those two are fun times to get going every morning . Usually by Friday they are marginally better have it down , but then that pesky weekend comes and they sleep in throwing everything off on Monday morning . It 's a vicious cycle . Yes I know I should have them wake up at the same time on the weekend , but screw that . Andy and I want to sleep in too ! There is one spot of sunshine every morning though . . . Lana . I do not wake Lana up ever . Last year she started getting up on her own . Then she asked for an alarm clock so we go her one for her birthday . What 8 year old asks for an alarm clock as a birthday present ? Now she sets it for 6 : 15 every morning . When it goes off she immediately turns it off . No snooze for her ! Then she proceeds to get dressed , make her bed , some mornings she will remember to unload her dishwasher or feed the cat when it 's her turn . When I come to their rooms in the morning to wake everyone up , there is Lana sitting on her made bed reading her latest book , with a smile and a cheery , " Good morning , mommy ! " I do NOT know where this kid came from ! Because as I said , I have never been a morning person , so you would think that perhaps Andy is or was , but no . Some days he groans louder than Georgia when he has to wake up . All I do know is I am so thankful that Lana is the way she is . I suppose if I think about it I have my parents genetics to thank . My parents have always been morning people . My mother especially . She was the type to wake you up with a song . Oh how I hated that song in the morning . She was always so damn cheery . So perhaps the early bird gene got passed on to Lana . ( Thanks mom and dad ! ) I 'm glad it did , because if all three of them were super grumpy in the morning , I 'm not sure any amount of coffee would get me through that first hour of the day . With Lana 's smiling face and happy morning disposition , I can deal with what the other two throw at me . On the plus side , this past week I have been trying to put Georgia back in her bed after she comes to our bed in the middle of the night . Sonya does not like having her in her bed , because of Georgia 's starfish style of sleeping . Can 't blame the girl I guess . So because she has been in her own bed in the mornings , Lana has decided to get Georgia up with her . It 's been like a dream . Both of them up , dressed and in pleasant moods . Only Sonya has been the obstacle . I just need Lana to rubKristi Well here we are three weeks into the school year and I finally have my shit together to sit down and write something . Anything at this point ! I always thought that when my girls were all in school I would have all this time to get everything done . Turns out having all my girls in school means that I am in school more too . I help out in the classrooms and chair a few PTA positions , so I end up with almost no time to do other things like writing . However , I decided to forget about everything I 'm supposed to be doing right now , to get back to my writing for a minute . Especially because there is so much in my head that I keep thinking about wanting to write about . Today it 's about middle school . Yes , Sonya started middle school this year . I know some places middle school doesn 't start until 7th grade and to be honest that might have been a better transition for us , but since Burbank Unified doesn 't care about just my family , we had to go with what has already been in place for years . It was a bit of a rough transition . Well , let me clarify that . It was a bit of a rough anticipation time this summer . As most of you know , Sonya is already on the young side of her peers . Because her birthday is in November , and because when she started school the cut off date was December 1st , she started Kindergarten at four , turning five in November of that year . It was a decision we struggled with and one which we would not have to think about today if she was going to kindergarten . They moved the cut off date to September here in Burbank now . We felt like we made the right decision at that time , because she was so smart , and academically she has always done well in school . Emotionally , she is sometimes a bit behind . She was sad to leave elementary school in May and this summer we went through some rough patches with her . She was very emotional at times , crying for what appeared to be no reason and just being generally melancholy . Now , I realize this is just a sign of things to come . I remember being 14 and it was not pretty . However I thought I had a least a couple more years of having to deal with this . No such luck . Some days she had so much attitude toward me I thought she was already 14 and I just missed it . Other days she was her normal sweet little girl self . Then there were the days of just general blahness . I try to keep the girls busy during the summer . They do a couple weeks of camp and we go everywhere from the beach to the museums here . Luckily we live in a place that there is no lack of fun things to do . That did not stop her from getting upset from time to time . The unfortunate part is that she seemed to get more moody once a month when I did . Not sure how our cycles are matching up already , since she 's nowhere near starting hers , but I swear it seemed to . So we got on each others nerves quite often . It was a bit rough . Thankfully , there is wine . And a Bev - mo is two miles away to buy more wine . For me , not her . Although some days that might not have been a bad idea . I think the Europeans are on to something giving their kids a glass of wine at dinner . As the end of the summer neared she started to get worse . Every time I would try to get to the root of the problem she would insist she didn 't know what it was . Her best friend , who 's birthday is in December and is almost an entire year older than she is , was ecstatic to start middle school . She couldn 't wait . When I thought about that , and combined it with the way Sonya was sad at the end of elementary school , sprinkle on being younger than everyone else . . . it finally hit me . We were in the car going to the beach one day during one of our last weeks . It had been another difficult morning with her where she ended up in tears and I was ready to tear my hair out . After a few minutes in the car I said , I then went on to explain to her that it is completely fine to be nervous and scared and even to embrace it . She needed to realize that is what was making her so unhappy and stop trying to fight it . I think she was having a constant battle with herself about this . I realized that maybe she thought everyone else was excited to go to middle school and she was the only one feeling this way . " Well , I have news for you , " I told her . " More people feel the way you do about going than the way Charlotte does . And if Charlotte is completely honest , even though I know she is excited , I am sure there is a part of her that is scared too . " " Of course ! " I told her . " It 's completely normal to feel the way you are ! It 's a new school with a whole new set of circumstances . I know for a fact that Garrett is nervous too . " About a week before we had been out at a concert in Burbank and I ran into another mom I knew . Her son and Sonya had been in classes together over the years at the elementary school . We had started talking about our summers and the kids starting middle school soon . I had mentioned Sonya 's emotional state and she said her son had been the exact same way all summer . Informing Sonya of this fact seemed to put her mind at ease . Over the next couple of weeks she became more pleasant and less stressed . We went back to school shopping and she started to become excited about the new year and new things to come . She was still nervous and would cry from time to time , but at least now she allowed herself to feel this way and not battle it . A couple weeks before school started we had to go register at the school and get her books and her lock for her locker . Seeing the school and becoming more familiar with it helped even more . She constantly asked me questions over the next few days about her locker , or her classes , most of which I couldn 't answer since I haven 't been to middle school in quite a few years , and never went to this one . One night at dinner she said , " I know , " I told her . " It 's one of the things you have to take on being the oldest . I totally understand that because it was the same for me . It 's hard , but it 's a good job for you and you will make it easier for them in a few years . " Knowing that she had the job of learning it all first seemed to help her even more . The first day of school came and she was a bundle of nerves , but she was definitely ready . She was up early and ready to go well before we had to . We all walked her down to the school to send her off on her first day . We were allowed that day to come on campus and walk our 6th graders to their lockers . As we entered the hall where her locker and first class were , I was immediately hit with the incredible urge to burst into tears . It was like taking her to her first day of Kindergarten all over again . Now I was the emotional one and it was completely unexpected . I swallowed hard and breathed deep , because it 's one thing for kids to see their parents crying on the first day of kindergarten , but it 's a WHOLE different embarrassing thing to see them cry on your first day of 6th grade . I couldn 't let her have that stigma . It took some doing but I managed to get through it without tears . She found her first class where Charlotte was already waiting . Coincidentally , they ended up in ALL the same classes , which was also a huge help for Sonya 's nerves . We hugged and kissed her goodbye and walked out of the school to let her begin her next adventure . THEN I cried . I mean I wasn 't going to hold back forever . The best part was when she came home that day . She couldn 't have been more happy or excited about being at school . She loved every minute of it and enjoyed every class . Sonya has always loved school , but the past couple of years that love started to wane , like it does for most kids . So perhaps she was ready to move on to changing classes , taking P . E . every day and housing all her belongings in a locker . I 've often questioned the decision we made to send her to school so early and sometimes think we made a mistake . Then I remember what a bright , strong , brave , independent , social , sweet girl Sonya is . She may be emotional , but she always finds a way to rise above . That four year old kindergartner turned into a 10 year old middle school er more quickly than I could have imagined or liked . I 'm positive that her middle school years will be just as successful as her elementary school years were . I know , without a doubt , that we did make the right decision all those year ago . I also know , that no matter what , I will always cry along with her with every transition she goes through . Why does no parenting book warn you of those things ? Excited and nervous I 'm sure I have mentioned somewhere in the 500 posts of this blog that our family is part of Red Sox Nation . By that I mean we are Red Sox fans . Well , let me qualify that . Andy has been a long suffering Red Sox fan since the day he was born , watching them lose throughout his childhood . When they won the World Series back in 2004 , for the first time in 86 years , I was pregnant with Sonya and only a month away from giving birth . While I wasn 't born a Red Sox fan as he was , I became one in college . I had never watched much baseball growing up , but if you are living in Boston without a baseball team you better start cheering for the Sox or you better get out of Boston . So I did . Cheer for the Sox that is . I loved Boston . It helped that my best friend , Melissa , and I could see Fenway Park from the roof of our apartment Senior year . So when they were in the playoffs back in ' 04 I was just as excited as any long life fan . Okay , perhaps I didn 't get all the suffering for so long , but still . I was pretty sure I was going to put myself into labor cheering for those games . Luckily I did not . Since then we have gotten to watch them win two more World Series . One when Lana was just a baby and one a couple years ago when all three girls were old enough to watch it on TV . Luckily they will not spend their baseball fan years pinning away for a team that seems cursed . They get to watch and cheer for the Red Sox knowing they have won 3 World Series ( so far ) in their lifetime . Before we had the girls , Andy and I would go to see the Sox play the Angels every summer when they came to Anaheim . We went a couple years after having the girls , and even took Sonya one year when she was about six . However , we haven 't been in at least four years . We 've taken the girls to a couple Dodgers games , just to see some baseball . For a long time the tickets for the Red Sox / Angles games were way to expensive for five of us . Just Andy and I going meant our tickets plus babysitting so we just forgot about it for a while . Then this summer , Melissa mentiHere . . That is Angels stadium at start time on Sunday evening . Good thing I got the high up seats . We were actually under cover . We sat there for a while thinking it would eventually stop . So did everyone else . People who couldn 't sit in their rain filled seats were hanging out on the concourse , consuming hot dogs and beer . The thing is about rain in SoCal , is that even if is does actually rain , it never lasts long . Maybe an hour , hour and a half tops . Well this is what the powers that be thought too , because they moved the start time of the game from 5 : 05 to 7 : 15 thinking that they could wait it out , clear off the field and start the game . We too were hopeful . We hung out with the rest of the fans at our seats , ate hot dogs , had a couple beers , chatted with each other , and were entertained by the videos of Angels players trying to " name that tune " , and watched it rain . My favorite part of that was when Sonya named Michael Jackson 's " Beat It " well before the player in the video . You gotta play the classics for your kids ! At one point I realized my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn was there with her family just a few sections over from us . So we all took a walk to say hi and chat with them . It was a party at the stadium in the rain ! And it did continue to rain . Huh . Then 7 o ' clock came . The sky started to look lighter and it appeared to be slowing down , but when you looked at the tarp covering the infield you could see it was still coming down . Still , it was slow enough for them to decide to do this . . . They were out there with push brooms , doing their best to get the water off the field , but it was a futile effort . They worked on it for 20 minutes , but the rain kept coming down . Then a few of them huddled together and five minutes later we heard what we were dreading . " Ladies and Gentleman , today 's game is being canceled due to rain . " A huge groan mixed with boos went up from the crowd . What is this " game being canceled due to rain you speak of ? ? " That was the thought of everyone there . We don 't see this kind of thing . We see sunshine and blue skies and sure , brown grass , but at least our outside activities never get ruined ! Unfortunately this one did . It was hard to be mad about it though , because damn do we need any rain we can get . We were informed that we could have come back the next afternoon for the makeup game , but unfortunately the girls were starting an afternoon Girl Scout camp . I would have been the only one able to go and where was the fun in that ? The girls were definitely disappointed . I was sad for Lana and Georgia who had been so excited to see their first Red Sox game . On the other hand , we kinda had a really fun night hanging out in the stadium , having dinner and watching it rain . It no doubt became a core memory for me as I 'm sure it did for my girls . ( For those of you who don 't know what I mean by " core memory " , go see Inside Out . The best Pixar movie ever . Loved it ! ) It will go down in our family history as , " remember that one time when we were supposed to see the Red Sox and Angles play . . . . " When we got home that night , I said to Georgia , " I 'm sorry that we didn 't get to see the game . " It 's all in how you look at things . Plus ! We a got to become part of baseball , and more specifically Angles history , by being at the first rain out game in over 20 years . And who doesn 't love being a part of history ? I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

Hello everyone ! I am indeed still among the living . I just have a crazy schedule that does not allow much time for writing these days , but I feel like I need to . At least I have to tell the story of Georgia in the Jungle Book play at school . I wrote about Sonya and Lana 's experiences , so it would be unfair of me to not talk about little GG . Plus then , when she gets older , I 'll never hear the end of it about how she , as the youngest child , always got the shit end of the stick . Less writing in the baby book , less pictures of her , blah , blah . It 's a song my little sister Megan likes to sing sometimes . Well , I 'm here to make sure that doesn 't happen to G ! At least in talking about her part in the 2nd grade play . For those of you who have been with me a while , you might remember reading about Sonya 's experience with this and then Lana , who ended up with the same part Sonya had when she was in 2nd grade . This is one of the things I love about my girls all growing up in the same place . I moved around so much when I was a kid and my sisters never had the chance to have the favorite teacher I did or get the same part in the play . We didn 't have similar experiences to compare . Which is fine , I swear I 'm not harboring a grudge - well maybe a tiny one - however I like that my girls can share and compare their similar childhood experiences . Now unlike Sonya , who was petrified to get on stage , Georgia is my ham . She is the one who longs to be in the spotlight and have everyone looking at her - as long as they are supposed to be looking at her . When they started discussing the Jungle Book at school in January , Georgia was dying to play the part of King Louie . I honestly have no idea why she wanted to be him , but that was who she had her heart set on . Then she came home in tears one day because she wasn 't going to get the chance to try out for King Louie . They were organizing it a bit differently this year and each 2nd grade class had a group of animals they could try out for . Her class was not the monkeys . Her class was Kaa the snak " But I might end up in your bed in the middle of the night . . . . Consequences ! " They auditioned in their class for the teacher . Then their teacher picked two kids to move on to audition with the other Baloo , and main part hopefuls in the other classes . ( You 're going to Hollywood ! ) Her teacher kept telling me how great she was for the part , but they had to see the other kids first before they could decide . Of course none were as good as Georgia , not to brag , but yet to brag , and she got the part . Little GG was going to play the part of Big Bear Baloo ! Over the next month and a half , they rehearsed the play at school . I kept hearing from all the 2nd grade teachers how great she was doing and how cute she was . We worked on her lines at home and I could see how into this she was . Her only problem was running the lines too quickly . She was so nervous the night before and the morning of the performance . We could barely talk to her without her getting mad or bursting into tears . She was jumpy ! I was just praying she wasn 't going to get a migraine . Don 't worry - she didn 't . This isn 't one of those stories , but I was sweating it . She hadn 't had one since December and she was due . Thankfully it happened two weeks AFTER this . The school held two performances and we went to both . I even took Sonya out of school for a bit one day , so she could come watch her sister . I was nervous for her , but she remembered every line and played the part adorably well . People I didn 't know came up to me afterward to tell me how cute she was . She really was . She is easily one of the smallest kids in her class - as all of my girls are , they come by it naturally - and here she was playing the part of what was supposed to be a big bear . I was so proud of the great job she did and of course cried at the beginning of both performances . I am such a sap ! The best part is she loved every minute of it . She loved the acting and getting the laughs and she loved the spotlight . I guess something else she comes by naturally . It 's been so crazy to watch each of my girls do this play and each in a different way . Even though Sonya and Lana had the same part they certainly didn 't play it the same way . Then having Georgia play a main part brought it to a different level . I 'm so glad they go to a school that will do things like this for the kids . There was talk of it not happening this year , and I would have been heartbroken if it didn 't . I feel like things came full circle while watching Georgia up there , after having seen it two times before with the other two . Not to mention that this really sparked something inOn the plus side - I am anxious to see what they will choose to focus on in their lives and if something like this play really will spark something in Georgia . I love watching their lives unfold and seeing what kind of people they will become . I will NOT love the attitudes that are about to explode in my house over the next eight years though . Especially if this acting bug kicks in . The drama that will follow ! Oh Lawdy ! Pray for me people ! Posted by There are times as a mom when you realize that you can do superhuman things . Like lifting a car off your child trapped underneath , or grabbing them before they get hit by a truck in the street , or changing a full set of sheets under a sleeping child . Yup . I did that last one . Just call me Supermom ! A few weeks ago we had that big game that some refer to as the Superbowl . Perhaps you 've seen it ? Well some years we 've had parties , some years we 've gone to parties . This year we didn 't really care so much about who was playing , but it 's still nice to have a couple people over and eat unhealthy , but yummy food , while having an excuse to start drinking at 2pm . Also why I love Thanksgiving . We weren 't going to have anyone over , but decided last minute that eating unhealthy food and drinking alone ( mostly me ) would be sad . So we invited a couple of our friends who had been around for the Patriots playoff games with us the weeks before . Yes , we are Patriots fans and I love Tom Brady . Do not judge or start making cheating jokes because I 'm very over it . Anyway - our friends brought over a ton of food and I made a few things , as I always do , because I come from an Italian family . There is never such a thing as too much food . We had too much food . I mean it was ridiculous how much food we had . We could have had half the Patriots at our house and still have enough to inflate all the balls with food . ( See - I can make fun of us too ) . In regular every day life , we do a good job with balancing out what the girls eat . I make sure they have fruits and / or a veggie with every meal , lean protein , some good carbs . Yes , we have desserts sometimes , and maybe baked chips or pirates booty , but when I look around at what other people feed their kids on a regular basis , I am so proud of the job I do with them . I know we are teaching them the right way to stay healthy and , hopefully , not become overweight in their future . HOWEVER - I will let them eat whatever they want on special occasions , such as the Superbowl . On days like that they will go all out , but for the most part they will only eat until they are full . They will still select some carrot sticks amongst their mounds of tortilla chips and mini hot dogs , so at least something good is getting in there . I ignore the fact that said carrots are covered in ranch . At least there is a veggie there somewhere . I will cut them off after two desserts . Although Sonya will try for that third cookie or cupcake . So , yes , it 's not the best day of eating but it 's one day . They will usually complain about stomach aches afterward too , so it 's kinda a good lesson as well . Well maybe not , because after 42 years , I end up complaining of the same thing at the end of the night . I also love eating a lot of unhealthy food at once . I guess when you eat well all the time it 's fun to be bad for a minute . Sonya and Lana do know when to stop eating . Georgia , on the other hand , is a different story . That girl loves her some chips . If there is a bowl of chips somewhere , she will find it and eat the entire bowl if I let her . In fact - funny side story - Last weekend we went to Big Bear to go skiing . The place we rented had a big game room complete with pool table , bar , poker table , etc . I was behind the bar and said , " Oh they even have poker chips . " Georgia 's ears perked up upon hearing this and said , " Where at the chips ? " I didn 't even think about it , and pointed her in the direction when Andy knowing what she was looking for said , " Everything isn 't always about eating Georgia . " When I saw the look of disappointment on her face as she saw the poker chips , I realized that she thought I had been talking about some kind of potato chip . Oh Georgia ! Back to my original story ! As I was cleaning up after everyone left , I saw Georgia at the counter shoveling more tortilla chips into her mouth . I told her that was enough and shooed her away to go get ready for bed . I knew she had had plenty to eat that night , and there was no way she could still be hungry , but she couldn 't resist . ( WAIT ! Before I go any further with this story , I 'm giving fair warning to all you stomach squeamish people who might be eating . Either don 't read this now , or don 't eat right now . Trust me . ) The girls got ready and went to bed , and I was just about to go tuck them in when Sonya ran into the kitchen in a panic . " Georgia is throwing up ! ! " Wait what ? She was perfectly fine 10 minutes ago , downing what might have been her 10th helping of chips . . . . Oooohhh . Yeah . Maybe too MANY chips . Huh . I calmly asked Sonya to go get me the throw up bucket from the garage and went to the little girls room where Georgia was throwing up into a puddle on her bed . Yeah , I know . It gets more gross , so just wait . Sonya came running in with the bucket just in time for Georgia to spit the very last of her puke in it . So that did no good . Then I noticed it . Did I mention Georgia was on the top bunk ? Sure there was a nice neat puddle of puke on her sheets in front of her , but before she decided to throw up there she decided to first go over the side of the bunk bed . Which hit Lana 's bottom bunk below her , and the trundle bed under Lana 's below that , and the floor . It was spectacular . I also noticed Lana was completely passed out . It was 9 : 30 , but she had only been in bed about three minutes which I thought was odd . However , it makes sense looking back now , because the next afternoon she came down with Influenza A . It must have been brewing . Never a dull moment . The point is there was a lot of puke in many different places to clean up , and I needed to figure out where to start . So I called in reinforcements . " Andy ! Get in here ! " He came running into the room and knew what the situation was from the smell that hit him in the face . I told you there was more gross coming . Oh the smell . It 's not bad enough that vomit has to look gross , but the smell is just not something you can get away from right way . " I need you to help me clean this up , " I told him . Needless to say , he was thrilled . Normally , I would have just taken care of a situation like this , but this time I needed help . So I put him in charge of taking the soiled sheets off Georgia 's bed , while I went to work on the side of the bed puke . Andy wasn 't sure how to take the sheets off because there was so much of it in one pile . So he came up with the brilliant idea of shoveling it all into a garbage bag first . I 'm impressed he got through it without adding to the pile himself . So . Very . Gross . After he took care of that , I had him take care of getting Georgia cleaned up , who as it turned out wasn 't so bad . She had managed not to get any on her person , so score one for her in that category . Still , l she needed a face wash and a toothbrush . There wasn 't a lot of throw up over the side of the bed , but enough to make it so I had to change Lana 's sheets . Oh and there was the fact that the bunk beds just have a mattress laying on top of wooden slates . So whatever didn 't make it on the mattress , fell in between those slates . On both the top AND bottom bunk . Have I ever mentioned how much a pain in the ass bunk beds are for SO many reasons ? Sure they save space , but that 's the end of their good side . Making them sucks . Changing the sheets takes days and will break every nail you have , but unfortunately they are very necessary in our small house . So after I cleaned under Georgia 's mattress and the wooden slates , I had to figure out what to do about a sleeping Lana and her dirty sheets . Do I wake her , move her , or try and just change the sheets around her ? I decided to do that last one , since it sounded the most challenging . Because I mean changing sheets on a bunk bed is difficult enough . But The taking off the sheets wasn 't too difficult . That was just a lot of pulling from underneath her . No biggie . It was getting the new ones on that proved to be more of a challenge . Let 's keep in mind that I had to replace the mattress cover as well , So not one but TWO bottoms sheets . Oh , and I had to lift up the side of her mattress first to clean down those wooden slates , where the puke was stuck . After I did that I got the two bottom sheets out and I started at the top on one corner , then managed to roll her on top of the sheet and do the other corner . Once I got the top part of the bed done it was easier to pull the sheet down to do the bottom . Especially because Lana is a peanut and only takes up half the bed . The top sheet was a piece of cake since it was just covering her up and tucking under the mattress . When I was done , Lana was still completely asleep and in a new set of sheets . The next morning I asked her about it , and she had no recollection of the entire incident . She wasn 't even aware that Georgia had gotten sick . As for Georgia , she was not ill in any way . I thought perhaps she was at first , since the stomach bug had been circulating at school and gave her the benefit of the doubt , but she was immediately better after she threw up and fine the next day . Andy had said so , but I didn 't believe it until the next day , she had simply eaten to much . Or maybe just too many chips . Which you think would stop her , but not at all . That story about the poker chips was just last week . So I will continue to do what I can to help reinforce the good eating habits with a fun eating day here and there for them , however , perhaps the next time I do need to monitor how much they are eating a bit more . But hey ! At least I discovered what a badass I am at changing sheets with a sleeping kid in them . Okay fine that hardly makes me a badass , but I 'm a stay at home mom . Let me have this one . Posted by Hey there ! Yes it 's me . I know I totally fell into the pit of being overwhelmed and overburdened with a thousand things to do with school and the holidays , which left me no time to write . I wrote a bunch of blogs in my head , but none of them made it to the computer . Looking forward to the day where I can think something and Suri will write it down for me . I even got a little bah humbuggy at one point because of how crazy everything was . Even though I still have much going on - like helping to produce the Variety Show at the girls ' school - I decided to put everything else I should be doing right now on hold ( changing sheets , cleaning , getting cat litter ) to do the one thing I like to do for me . Writing . So with that here 's a little story about a New Year 's Eve Day trip we took last week . ( Was it really only LAST week . ) Over the holidays we didn 't have any family in town which was ( sorry parents ) kinda nice . I mean don 't get me wrong , I love when my parents or Andy 's parents come and spend Christmas with us . The kids love them being there and it 's nice to have a big family together for the holidays . However , every three years it 's also kinda nice to not entertain parents for a week or more . This year was that year . So there was more hanging out and just doing nothing , which is good for us since we are always doing something every damn minute of every damn day . The only bad part about doing nothing for a family who is very active , is that after a while we start to go a little stir crazy . So we decided that on New Year 's Eve , during the day , we would drive to the mountains to a sledding park . One of the advantages of living here in Southern California is that we are so close to the mountains to go sledding anytime in the winter if we want . Even though we hadn 't had any rain yet last week , the sledding parks all make their own snow . The other great thing was that it was actually cold here this Christmas . In fact while we were in the 50 's here on Christmas day my in laws were sweating it out in the 70s in Rhode Island . Crazy ! Since it was so cool here it was even colder in the mountains which was perfect for the snow making and sledding . I found a place on line that is only about an hour from our house , called Mt . Baldy . When we got there we were to purchase tickets to take a " scenic lift " to the top of the mountain where we could do the snow tubing . They also have skiing and snowboarding but we weren 't going that crazy for one day . After we bundled up and purchased our tickets we walked up a little hill to the lift . That 's when we realized the lift chairs were only for 2 people . Last time I counted there were 5 of us , and three of us are kids . Huh . How was this going to work ? I wasn 't crazy about the idea of Sonya going by herself , and sending her with one of the girls could prove disastrous . I didn 't need a fight to break out on t " Not here . " " Because Sonya can 't ride the lift by herself and it 's colder up there than it is down here even . " They were already freezing in the 32 degree temp . " So we aren 't going to go sledding at ALL ? ? " Neither one of us was optimistic about it being easy to get our money back , but turns out it was ! They were very nice about it after we explained that we had no idea about the age for the chairlift . So we were happy we didn 't lose any money on it , but now what the hell do we do ? We had decided to go to this mountain because it was closer than the one in Big Bear . Were we even in the right direction of heading to the other one ? Unfortunately , it took us a bit to find out since there was no service on the mountain . Once we got to the bottom I found that the other place I had looked at was less than an hour from where we were . Since we had left the house so early it was only 11am at that point , so we decided to go for it . We arrived at the tubing park about an hour later . No traffic at all thank goodness ! This place was right off the side of the road , no lift , and cheaper than the other place . So win win ! We went and got our tickets . Georgia and I made a trip to the disgusting outhouses . Side note here - Why , in the year 2016 , have we not figured out a better way to keep an outhouse clean ? Those things are the most disgusting places on earth . I am always so grossed out when I go in one . I have been in nicer ones that are brought in for outdoor weddings or other such things , but then they are usually newer and not used at all yet . The ones on the mountains though are just so incredibly gross . I just tell the girls the whole time we are in there , " whatever you do , don 't look down . " I gag now just thinking about it . Back to the main story . . . After we paid and grabbed our tubes , we headed to one of the smaller hills because the girls were a little nervous and wanted to start there . To be honest I was fine starting there too . Sonya and Georgia went down almost immediately raving about how much fun it was and climbed the stairs to go again . Lana though . Well Lana and I spent 10 minutes on that first little hill together . She was nervous to go down , I sat there trying to convince her everyone else was still alive after sledding , and she would be too . I think it was that fact that she had to go on her belly head first that freaked her out . She would start to lay down and then say " No , no , no , I don 't want to . " Andy claimed I was babying her , but I know how Lana is . She has always been this way . It takes her a minute to try anything new , food , swimming , jumping off the diving board , skiing , sledding , bike riding , roller blading , whatever . She is convinced something bad is going to happen to her . I knew as soon as she did it though she would love it . I 'm not sure exactly what it was that made her finally go . At one point I gave up trying to convince her and went down without her to show her it was fine . Not to long after that , she went with me and that was that . There was no stopping her . She loved it as I knew she would . When we first got there all three of the girls agreed they weren 't going near the big hill . Even after Lana had been going down the smaller one , she pointed to the big hill and said , " There is no way I 'm going down that one ! " " That 's fine , " I told her . At the end of our hour we were all riding down that big hill . And we were all loving it . It is only an hour you pay for at a time . You can go more , but then you pay more . At first I thought - an hour that 's it ? But trust me , after walking up those stairs a bunch of times you are exhausted and done after your hour . At one point we all went down together which was comedic . I laughed so hard when , at one point , Andy was trying to push us all down the hill together , and Sonya and Georgia accidentally broke free leaving Andy holding on to Georgia 's mitten at the top of the hill . Andy and the girls going down the hill together . It was one of the best family days we 've had as a family and a great way to end the year . The girls keep talking about how they want to go back . It was fairly easy too , minus the detour we made to the other mountain an hour away . I was proud of us that we found a way to salvage the day even though we ran into a problem and our original plan didn 't work out . It was a good lesson for all of us . Especially for me , because when my plans get thrown off I tend to get anxious . It was one of those days where I thought to myself , " We are good at family ! " * ( credit to that line goes to the show The Goldbergs , which if you aren 't watching you should be ! ) Happy 2016 everyone ! Hope to write more for you in this year and here 's to everyone finding a day where they feel they are good at family too . I know all to well how some days that is so hard to do . Sonya and Georgia A couple weeks ago , the little girls were sitting at the counter in the kitchen doing their homework . I was getting dinner ready and helping them when needed . They started chatting to each other about life will be like when they get older and have families and lives of their own . I was surprised to learn that they had worked out such a great solution on their own to what haunts every mother around the world . The pull between wanting to stay home and raise your kids on your own , and wanting to continue to be in the working world to keep your own identity , and because you know , money . They had thought of a job sharing situation all on their own . Not that either one of them know what they want to do for a job , so who knows if it would even lend itself to this scenario , but hey ! Good for them for thinking of this . Then Georgia thought of something better . Georgia - " Wait a minute ! Why don 't we just make our HUSBANDS stay home and WE will go to work ! " Wow . We sure have come a long way in just a couple of generations . From woman doing no work outside the home , to working or staying home , to working and having Dad stay home and having it be a NORMAL situation . I will admit , I have worried from time to time that my staying home with the girls might make them think that they shouldn 't work or shouldn 't want to work , but I truly believe that everyone needs to do what is right for them . I do feel sometimes I am looked down on for not working at all , but I like being a stay at home mom . I think moms who work are doing what is best for them as well and we should all be tolerant of what others decide to do for their own families . And Dads ! My generation has definitely been the first to do this . It 's nice to know that my girls ' generation will be the first to make it not such a novelty . After listening to their conversation about this , I realized I have done a good job conveying to them that they make whatever decision they want as far as working and family is concerned . We are no longer expected to fit into one mold or another and I think that is a great success for both moms AND dads . Posted by Getting up in the morning has always been a chore for me . I don 't know how I was as a little kid , but I can remember being older and my mom threatening to pour buckets of water on me if I didn 't get my ass out of bed . I HATED getting up in the morning . I still do . So I don 't know why I find it so hard to believe that my girls are right there with me . Well , not all of them . Lana is most definitely without a doubt the best morning person you 've ever seen . Yes , I said Lana . During the week , I aim to get everyone up between 6 : 30 - 6 : 40 depending on when I drag my own ass out of bed . Sonya sets an alarm , hits snooze a couple of times , and I still have to make sure she gets up . She is not fun to get up . She huffs , and whines and buries herself back under the covers . Sometimes Georgia is in her bed with her , because I don 't know that I have told you all this but , Georgia does not like to sleep alone in her bed . She always ends up in someone else 's bed in the middle of the night . Usually mine and Andy 's first , but I move her after I wake up to find myself on two inches of mattress at 4AM with her feet in my face . Since Sonya has a double bed , I usually opt to put her in there . I try to put her back in her own bed , believe me . Sometimes she refuses to go , gets stubborn and at 4AM you tend to give in to what the hell they want so you can just go back to sleep , dammit ! Anyway - when she is in Sonya 's bed in the morning I have to wake her up at the same time . I usually drag her out of Sonya 's bed and carry her to her room where I plop her on the floor . There she stays curled in a ball snoozing for at least another ten minutes . Then I go to the kitchen where every two minutes , I yell for them to get up and get moving while making breakfast . It 's an incredibly enjoyable morning routine I assure you . Especially since I myself hate to get up and am always exhausted . If it weren 't for the fabulous people who invented coffee , I would never survive . The other day Georgia wrote out her daily morning routine on the whiteboard in her roomFor those of you who can 't read my daughter 's beautiful handwriting she acquired from me , after " wake up " she wrote " gron " . Which of course means " groan " , but hey she 's a 2nd grader , we are still working on the spelling . Either way , she made sure she added into her morning routine a way to let everyone know how unhappy she was to be awake at that time of the morning . Yup , those two are fun times to get going every morning . Usually by Friday they are marginally better have it down , but then that pesky weekend comes and they sleep in throwing everything off on Monday morning . It 's a vicious cycle . Yes I know I should have them wake up at the same time on the weekend , but screw that . Andy and I want to sleep in too ! There is one spot of sunshine every morning though . . . Lana . I do not wake Lana up ever . Last year she started getting up on her own . Then she asked for an alarm clock so we go her one for her birthday . What 8 year old asks for an alarm clock as a birthday present ? Now she sets it for 6 : 15 every morning . When it goes off she immediately turns it off . No snooze for her ! Then she proceeds to get dressed , make her bed , some mornings she will remember to unload her dishwasher or feed the cat when it 's her turn . When I come to their rooms in the morning to wake everyone up , there is Lana sitting on her made bed reading her latest book , with a smile and a cheery , " Good morning , mommy ! " I do NOT know where this kid came from ! Because as I said , I have never been a morning person , so you would think that perhaps Andy is or was , but no . Some days he groans louder than Georgia when he has to wake up . All I do know is I am so thankful that Lana is the way she is . I suppose if I think about it I have my parents genetics to thank . My parents have always been morning people . My mother especially . She was the type to wake you up with a song . Oh how I hated that song in the morning . She was always so damn cheery . So perhaps the early bird gene got passed on to Lana . ( Thanks mom and dad ! ) I 'm glad it did , because if all three of them were super grumpy in the morning , I 'm not sure any amount of coffee would get me through that first hour of the day . With Lana 's smiling face and happy morning disposition , I can deal with what the other two throw at me . On the plus side , this past week I have been trying to put Georgia back in her bed after she comes to our bed in the middle of the night . Sonya does not like having her in her bed , because of Georgia 's starfish style of sleeping . Can 't blame the girl I guess . So because she has been in her own bed in the mornings , Lana has decided to get Georgia up with her . It 's been like a dream . Both of them up , dressed and in pleasant moods . Only Sonya has been the obstacle . I just need Lana to rubKristi Well here we are three weeks into the school year and I finally have my shit together to sit down and write something . Anything at this point ! I always thought that when my girls were all in school I would have all this time to get everything done . Turns out having all my girls in school means that I am in school more too . I help out in the classrooms and chair a few PTA positions , so I end up with almost no time to do other things like writing . However , I decided to forget about everything I 'm supposed to be doing right now , to get back to my writing for a minute . Especially because there is so much in my head that I keep thinking about wanting to write about . Today it 's about middle school . Yes , Sonya started middle school this year . I know some places middle school doesn 't start until 7th grade and to be honest that might have been a better transition for us , but since Burbank Unified doesn 't care about just my family , we had to go with what has already been in place for years . It was a bit of a rough transition . Well , let me clarify that . It was a bit of a rough anticipation time this summer . As most of you know , Sonya is already on the young side of her peers . Because her birthday is in November , and because when she started school the cut off date was December 1st , she started Kindergarten at four , turning five in November of that year . It was a decision we struggled with and one which we would not have to think about today if she was going to kindergarten . They moved the cut off date to September here in Burbank now . We felt like we made the right decision at that time , because she was so smart , and academically she has always done well in school . Emotionally , she is sometimes a bit behind . She was sad to leave elementary school in May and this summer we went through some rough patches with her . She was very emotional at times , crying for what appeared to be no reason and just being generally melancholy . Now , I realize this is just a sign of things to come . I remember being 14 and it was not pretty . However I thought I had a least a couple more years of having to deal with this . No such luck . Some days she had so much attitude toward me I thought she was already 14 and I just missed it . Other days she was her normal sweet little girl self . Then there were the days of just general blahness . I try to keep the girls busy during the summer . They do a couple weeks of camp and we go everywhere from the beach to the museums here . Luckily we live in a place that there is no lack of fun things to do . That did not stop her from getting upset from time to time . The unfortunate part is that she seemed to get more moody once a month when I did . Not sure how our cycles are matching up already , since she 's nowhere near starting hers , but I swear it seemed to . So we got on each others nerves quite often . It was a bit rough . Thankfully , there is wine . And a Bev - mo is two miles away to buy more wine . For me , not her . Although some days that might not have been a bad idea . I think the Europeans are on to something giving their kids a glass of wine at dinner . As the end of the summer neared she started to get worse . Every time I would try to get to the root of the problem she would insist she didn 't know what it was . Her best friend , who 's birthday is in December and is almost an entire year older than she is , was ecstatic to start middle school . She couldn 't wait . When I thought about that , and combined it with the way Sonya was sad at the end of elementary school , sprinkle on being younger than everyone else . . . it finally hit me . We were in the car going to the beach one day during one of our last weeks . It had been another difficult morning with her where she ended up in tears and I was ready to tear my hair out . After a few minutes in the car I said , I then went on to explain to her that it is completely fine to be nervous and scared and even to embrace it . She needed to realize that is what was making her so unhappy and stop trying to fight it . I think she was having a constant battle with herself about this . I realized that maybe she thought everyone else was excited to go to middle school and she was the only one feeling this way . " Well , I have news for you , " I told her . " More people feel the way you do about going than the way Charlotte does . And if Charlotte is completely honest , even though I know she is excited , I am sure there is a part of her that is scared too . " " Of course ! " I told her . " It 's completely normal to feel the way you are ! It 's a new school with a whole new set of circumstances . I know for a fact that Garrett is nervous too . " About a week before we had been out at a concert in Burbank and I ran into another mom I knew . Her son and Sonya had been in classes together over the years at the elementary school . We had started talking about our summers and the kids starting middle school soon . I had mentioned Sonya 's emotional state and she said her son had been the exact same way all summer . Informing Sonya of this fact seemed to put her mind at ease . Over the next couple of weeks she became more pleasant and less stressed . We went back to school shopping and she started to become excited about the new year and new things to come . She was still nervous and would cry from time to time , but at least now she allowed herself to feel this way and not battle it . A couple weeks before school started we had to go register at the school and get her books and her lock for her locker . Seeing the school and becoming more familiar with it helped even more . She constantly asked me questions over the next few days about her locker , or her classes , most of which I couldn 't answer since I haven 't been to middle school in quite a few years , and never went to this one . One night at dinner she said , " I know , " I told her . " It 's one of the things you have to take on being the oldest . I totally understand that because it was the same for me . It 's hard , but it 's a good job for you and you will make it easier for them in a few years . " Knowing that she had the job of learning it all first seemed to help her even more . The first day of school came and she was a bundle of nerves , but she was definitely ready . She was up early and ready to go well before we had to . We all walked her down to the school to send her off on her first day . We were allowed that day to come on campus and walk our 6th graders to their lockers . As we entered the hall where her locker and first class were , I was immediately hit with the incredible urge to burst into tears . It was like taking her to her first day of Kindergarten all over again . Now I was the emotional one and it was completely unexpected . I swallowed hard and breathed deep , because it 's one thing for kids to see their parents crying on the first day of kindergarten , but it 's a WHOLE different embarrassing thing to see them cry on your first day of 6th grade . I couldn 't let her have that stigma . It took some doing but I managed to get through it without tears . She found her first class where Charlotte was already waiting . Coincidentally , they ended up in ALL the same classes , which was also a huge help for Sonya 's nerves . We hugged and kissed her goodbye and walked out of the school to let her begin her next adventure . THEN I cried . I mean I wasn 't going to hold back forever . The best part was when she came home that day . She couldn 't have been more happy or excited about being at school . She loved every minute of it and enjoyed every class . Sonya has always loved school , but the past couple of years that love started to wane , like it does for most kids . So perhaps she was ready to move on to changing classes , taking P . E . every day and housing all her belongings in a locker . I 've often questioned the decision we made to send her to school so early and sometimes think we made a mistake . Then I remember what a bright , strong , brave , independent , social , sweet girl Sonya is . She may be emotional , but she always finds a way to rise above . That four year old kindergartner turned into a 10 year old middle school er more quickly than I could have imagined or liked . I 'm positive that her middle school years will be just as successful as her elementary school years were . I know , without a doubt , that we did make the right decision all those year ago . I also know , that no matter what , I will always cry along with her with every transition she goes through . Why does no parenting book warn you of those things ? Excited and nervous I 'm sure I have mentioned somewhere in the 500 posts of this blog that our family is part of Red Sox Nation . By that I mean we are Red Sox fans . Well , let me qualify that . Andy has been a long suffering Red Sox fan since the day he was born , watching them lose throughout his childhood . When they won the World Series back in 2004 , for the first time in 86 years , I was pregnant with Sonya and only a month away from giving birth . While I wasn 't born a Red Sox fan as he was , I became one in college . I had never watched much baseball growing up , but if you are living in Boston without a baseball team you better start cheering for the Sox or you better get out of Boston . So I did . Cheer for the Sox that is . I loved Boston . It helped that my best friend , Melissa , and I could see Fenway Park from the roof of our apartment Senior year . So when they were in the playoffs back in ' 04 I was just as excited as any long life fan . Okay , perhaps I didn 't get all the suffering for so long , but still . I was pretty sure I was going to put myself into labor cheering for those games . Luckily I did not . Since then we have gotten to watch them win two more World Series . One when Lana was just a baby and one a couple years ago when all three girls were old enough to watch it on TV . Luckily they will not spend their baseball fan years pinning away for a team that seems cursed . They get to watch and cheer for the Red Sox knowing they have won 3 World Series ( so far ) in their lifetime . Before we had the girls , Andy and I would go to see the Sox play the Angels every summer when they came to Anaheim . We went a couple years after having the girls , and even took Sonya one year when she was about six . However , we haven 't been in at least four years . We 've taken the girls to a couple Dodgers games , just to see some baseball . For a long time the tickets for the Red Sox / Angles games were way to expensive for five of us . Just Andy and I going meant our tickets plus babysitting so we just forgot about it for a while . Then this summer , Melissa mentiHere . . That is Angels stadium at start time on Sunday evening . Good thing I got the high up seats . We were actually under cover . We sat there for a while thinking it would eventually stop . So did everyone else . People who couldn 't sit in their rain filled seats were hanging out on the concourse , consuming hot dogs and beer . The thing is about rain in SoCal , is that even if is does actually rain , it never lasts long . Maybe an hour , hour and a half tops . Well this is what the powers that be thought too , because they moved the start time of the game from 5 : 05 to 7 : 15 thinking that they could wait it out , clear off the field and start the game . We too were hopeful . We hung out with the rest of the fans at our seats , ate hot dogs , had a couple beers , chatted with each other , and were entertained by the videos of Angels players trying to " name that tune " , and watched it rain . My favorite part of that was when Sonya named Michael Jackson 's " Beat It " well before the player in the video . You gotta play the classics for your kids ! At one point I realized my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn was there with her family just a few sections over from us . So we all took a walk to say hi and chat with them . It was a party at the stadium in the rain ! And it did continue to rain . Huh . Then 7 o ' clock came . The sky started to look lighter and it appeared to be slowing down , but when you looked at the tarp covering the infield you could see it was still coming down . Still , it was slow enough for them to decide to do this . . . They were out there with push brooms , doing their best to get the water off the field , but it was a futile effort . They worked on it for 20 minutes , but the rain kept coming down . Then a few of them huddled together and five minutes later we heard what we were dreading . " Ladies and Gentleman , today 's game is being canceled due to rain . " A huge groan mixed with boos went up from the crowd . What is this " game being canceled due to rain you speak of ? ? " That was the thought of everyone there . We don 't see this kind of thing . We see sunshine and blue skies and sure , brown grass , but at least our outside activities never get ruined ! Unfortunately this one did . It was hard to be mad about it though , because damn do we need any rain we can get . We were informed that we could have come back the next afternoon for the makeup game , but unfortunately the girls were starting an afternoon Girl Scout camp . I would have been the only one able to go and where was the fun in that ? The girls were definitely disappointed . I was sad for Lana and Georgia who had been so excited to see their first Red Sox game . On the other hand , we kinda had a really fun night hanging out in the stadium , having dinner and watching it rain . It no doubt became a core memory for me as I 'm sure it did for my girls . ( For those of you who don 't know what I mean by " core memory " , go see Inside Out . The best Pixar movie ever . Loved it ! ) It will go down in our family history as , " remember that one time when we were supposed to see the Red Sox and Angles play . . . . " When we got home that night , I said to Georgia , " I 'm sorry that we didn 't get to see the game . " It 's all in how you look at things . Plus ! We a got to become part of baseball , and more specifically Angles history , by being at the first rain out game in over 20 years . And who doesn 't love being a part of history ? I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .

I got on an elevator in a skyscraper . A man in a suit stepped onto the elevator with me . I pushed the button for the tenth floor . I turned and saw that the man in the suit was using a breast pump . I could not see the part that attached to him , just the tubing and the bottles that collect the milk . In the ten seconds that it took us to reach the tenth floor , he filled both 5 oz bottles . WOW ! I thought admiringly . He is really productive ! The man was Barack Obama . I was in my dining room with Barack and he was writing his date of birth on a piece of paper . I noticed that the year was 1974 and I was shocked - - he had been lying about his age ! I didn 't confront him about it , but rather got up and left the house . I was on a bus coming home from University and Barack came and sat beside me . I don 't know how I knew it was him , because I don 't follow the election at all . He was wearing a dirty suit and smelled bad . I was reading and he asked me what I was reading . I showed him the book : The Lord of the Rings . I 've never seen that movie ! he exclaimed . Then he gave me his business card from his wallet . It was really cheap , like something printed off a school computer , and Senator was misspelled . He got up to get nachos from the bus concession and I put my backpack on his chair so he wouldn 't sit by me again . I 'm at a Harvard Law School alumni event and manage to get up the nerve to sit next to Barack . I extend my hand and say Good afternoon , Senator . I introduce myself and say , Class of 2006 . He says , Barack Obama , class of 1991 . For a moment we share a conspiratorial smile , like we 've played a private game in which he 's just another fellow alum . Then he turns away . I can feel his tiredness , his desire to stop moving , to breathe , to rest . After the event I 'm walking towards Harvard Square and I see him walking towards the T station . He 's wearing an Oxford cloth shirt and slacks , and is pulling a roller suitcase . I smile and ask if he would like a ride to the airport . He says he 's fine with the subway . I tell him it 's no trouble , that my car is right around the corner . Then he is in my bed wearing blue striped boxers . I have a perfect apartment in Harvard Square ( not so in real life ! ) . The room has a bohemian look , all earth tones and Indian prints . The afternoon sun is coming through the window above the bed . I remember the intense conversation we shared , and think about how I offered him my bed for a nap . We 're talking less intensely now . I 'm reclining on the side of the bed , not touching him , but am very close and the attraction is palpable . We fall silent and our eyes meet . Then we kiss very softly . I can feel his desire to relax , to be himself , to lose himself here . I realize this could never be kept a secret . I know how disastrous it would be for the man about to be our country 's first black president to have an affair with a white woman twenty years his junior . I cannot risk any chance of being the woman who will cost our country his presidency . I put my hand on his chest and say , This is getting really dangerous really fast . Barack and I were at a large gathering , perhaps the Democratic convention , which was held in a huge , ornate , complex , dark - ish , official building like the Capitol . We were sitting together at the back of the hall in the last row , leaning our chairs against the wall as we listened to speeches . He put his arm around my shoulders like we were kids on a movie date . It was a nice feeling , but at the same time I was wondering if he had a record of womanizing , since I knew he was married and had seen his wife in the crowd . Then I realized my dress had fallen down to my waist . I was a little uncomfortable about being exposed , but no one noticed since we were covered by a blanket . He then stretched out behind me , full - length , spoon - like , and wrapped his arms around me . It felt warm and protective and slightly sexual , but I said , I 'm sorry , I really can 't do this . Michelle would have me for lunch . I pulled my dress back on and excused myself , saying I had to take my cat ( who had appeared on my lap ) home . A chubby young black boy thought I was Obama , and wanted me to sign a postcard . I had to tell him no . He looked mildly taken aback , withdrew the postcard and then , with a tiny solemn smile , held out a handwritten note , rolled up so all I could see was the first word . I woke up wondering what the heck he wanted me to read . I have been invited to attend the birth of Barack and Michelle 's child in a beautiful landscaped park . Once it 's confirmed that Michelle 's contractions are five minutes apart , she is slowly driven away in a convertible to a more secluded location with Barack walking alongside the car . He is wearing a brown leather jacket with the collar turned up like James Dean , and as I see him follow the car I think how much fun with the baby he 'll miss out on due to the demands of the Presidential campaign . I 'm staying at the Obama residence with Barack and his wife . The guest spot on the floor is uncomfortable , so I get into bed with the happy couple . Michelle is sandwiched the middle . Barack has his arm around his wife , but he 's stroking my ear the way a lover might . I am rowing in a kayak on a cloudy day . I feel tired , humiliated and discouraged . The other rowers can 't believe how bad I am . In a moment alone , my trainer , Barack Obama , approaches me in his grey - blue track suit , puts one of his sneakers on my kayak and his hand on my shoulder . He gives me a good pep talk about determination and not backing down . He also says , You shouldn 't even be this tired , and gives me proper rowing techniques . Then I feel better . Even if I am going to lose that day , I at least have the sense that I had tried my best . I 'm going to visit my father at work in Washington D . C . I am waiting in a particularly long line at a Metro station when I get to the front , and who should be there but Barack Obama ! The metro turns out to be not a metro at all - - it 's a large , high - speed roller coaster ! Me and Barack strap into a dangling car and get ready to go ! We also apparently know each other , which I don 't find odd . We make some brief conversation and I tell him that I am a supporter of his and he thanks me . He is really nice . We continue to ride the roller coaster and when the ride ends , we say good - bye and wave . He might as well have been a friend of mine . I was at a planning meeting with Barack and his handlers . They were talking about a televised town hall program they were going to participate in that night . I decided to fly up to the ceiling to see what Barack 's reaction would be . He kept talking with his handlers and pretty much ignored the fact that I was hovering over him . They were growing more animated as they discussed a woman who was going to be in the audience . She had contributed a lot of money to the campaign and Barack wanted to be able to answer her questions during the show , but he needed a way to identify her . Someone suggested they paint her face bright red . I thought that was too obvious and suggested they just paint a red X on her neck . They liked that idea . Though I 'm a Hillary supporter , I woke up feeling a bit more positive towards Barack . Barack and I were walking around this dangerous neighborhood at night . There were no people around , just angry rabid dogs . I kept turning down the wrong street and the dogs would come out of nowhere and start chasing me . Barack would grab my hand and make me run the other way so we could escape them . The dream went on and on like this . I kept turning down the same alley and facing the same dogs and Barack kept pulling me to safety . I had this dream the night Hillary won Pennyslvaia . I was driving along and looked up and saw Obama 's plane flying through the sky . He was on his way to another rally after the Pennsylvania primaries . Suddenly , the plane began lurching about and flying haphazardly . I sensed with dread what was going to happen next : the plane plunged from the sky and crashed in a big fiery explosion . Everyone was very emotional and heartbroken . People were devastated and weeping in the streets . It was as if all of our hopes and dreams for this country had crashed and burned with the plane . I saw news cameramen clambering over each other to film Obama 's broken body that had been recovered from the crash . I was disgusted with their voyeurism and ruthlessness . Just before waking , I have this dream : I was in a town on the Hudson River which has a view south towards New York City . Walking through the town 's hilly streets , I catch glimpses of Obama walking by , usually no more than a block away . He 's wearing a riotously colorful jacket , a sort of deconstructed plaid . The streets are empty , like early morning when the commuters all troop down to the train . His expression is intense and thoughtful , with a small smile , as if he 's composing a speech in his head as he walks , or listening to something only he can hear . He leans forward as he walks . On the overlook above the river , there is a outdoor setup of a news crew - - maybe ABC - - and they are interviewing Michelle Obama . She looks like that awful picture of her on the cover of the National Review . Someone else is standing off to the side , waiting his turn . He 's wearing a mudcloth skullcap . I don 't see anyone else in the town , but I walk by an office and hear two women who look like they are from the Caribbean discussing the election . They seem to be in good humor . I was in an office where I had worked as a temp . The space was almost Japanese , with large , simple black leather furniture . It was now the headquarters of Barack 's campaign in Boston . I was explaining to my friends that when I worked here , I kept a bottle of Bailey 's on the bottom shelf behind the desk . My friend Jay came to sit on me , but I moved out of the way . Then to my surprise , Barack entered the office . He greeted Jay like a good friend , then proceeded to comically sit on Jay , squashing him . I was pretty glad I wasn 't at the bottom of that pile . It was very impressive how close a friend Barack Obama was to Jay . I 'm watching The Today Show ( and do not find anything odd about this for some reason ) . A breaking news graphic springs to life on the screen , and I see a shot of a very dirty toilet . The voice - over says that it 's Barack 's dirty toilet . What they 're implying is : Do we really want a man who doesn 't keep his toilet clean running the country ? Barack replies . He 's like , Seriously ? I 'm at summer camp with my husband 's family and one of the evening 's activities is a Purim party . Campers are randomly selected to play parts in a reenactment of the Purim story , and Barack is chosen to play Haman . Everyone at the camp ( mostly Barack supporters , apparently ) is disappointed that Barack , clearly a hero in real life , is to play the villain in the skit , but he 's a good sport , and we are all impressed with his acting skills . I 'm on a small , propeller - type old - fashioned airplane . I am helping the other passengers stow their luggage and things in the overhead bins , although I am not a flight attendant , just a helpful fellow passenger . Barack appears behind me , patting me on the shoulder and saying positive , encouraging things to suggest I am doing a good job . I feel his tone is patronizing , since I am obviously not an airline employee . It has been on the news for a few days that Barack is having stomach problems . I decide he needs some peanut butter cookies and set about baking a batch . Then I find myself in a bakery . The walls are lined with Tupperware containers of cookies and Barack is there with this girl I know from somewhere . He is eating her cookies and says politely that mine are not the right consistency . Then the two of them leave together . I wake up with a new fund raising idea for the Obama campaign in my head : an iPhone - Obama collaboration where every time you hit the snooze button on your iPhone alarm clock , you automatically donate a dollar to his campaign . I am in the back of a helicopter with Barack , flying over the the waters of Cape Town . After a pleasant conversation , he slides open the door and I leap into the air . As I fall , I began to see the dark grey outlines of sharks swimming in the waters below . I am being dropped far from shore and I know I 'll have to swim a long way back . More and more shadows appear and I splash down into the waters with the full knowledge that there are sharks everywhere around me . I am terrified . I tell myself it 's only a dream . Barack and I are dating and it 's pretty serious . He wants to get married but I tell him I won 't unless he passes two particular bills . They are awesome ; the equivalent of universal health care and free college education for everyone . We find ourselves at a big party . ( I 'm pretty sure it 's the same place Roslin announced that Baltar had won the vice - presidency in Battlestar Galactica . ) Barack takes the stage . He makes an announcement that he will introduce the two bills to Congress . Watching him , I know that , in some way , he 's doing it for me . Barack , Michelle , my husband , our daughter and I all went to the mall together . We walked through the racks at Macy 's looking at clothes . Michelle spent the time entertaining my daughter by pretending to try on silly shirts she found . Barack was holding forth on how Macy 's was a symbol of the American experience in the 21st century . I had trouble hearing him because my daughter kept laughing and distracting me . We all walked together to the food court where we sat down and discussed the American experience some more over bad mall food . I tried to make some joke about how unsavory the American experience must be if it tasted like what we were eating , but I was nervous and the joke didn 't go over too well . Barack leaned in and said , Well , my middle name isn 't ' Middleman ' is it . What ? I asked . My middle name isn 't ' Middleman ' is it ? he repeated , as if expecting me to laugh . I wasn 't sure if I 'd heard him right , but I thought he might be making a joke about how his life was much more international than this suburban shopping mall . I started to laugh tentatively , glancing at Michelle to see if I was correct in thinking he had made a joke . She was already laughing . Ok , so I 'm not the best joke teller . I hope that doesn 't ruin your image of me , he said . It didn 't . Actually , I thought it was both endearing and funny . Barack and I were hanging out with a security guard in a building in DC . He leaned in and whispered to me that he had been in love with me since we 'd been in grade school together . He started singing Dolly Parton 's I Will Always Love You , but really quiet because he didn 't want anyone to hear , and because of Michelle . I 'm at Barack 's inauguration . There 's a representative speaking at the podium introducing him , when suddenly there is shouting and I see a group of people wearing the white hoods of the Ku Klux Klan . There 's a lot of commotion and they 're yelling and causing a disturbance , which actually turns out to be a diversion , because I see someone rush the podium and shoot the person who was speaking , then start heading for Barack . There is a total absence of secret service and security , and my heart starts racing as I fear they 're going to make it to Barack . I am on my back on a bed in a Motel 6 , fully clothed ; Michelle Obama is straddling me and holding my arms over my head . This is not sexual . Michelle does not look like herself - - she actually resembles one of my colleagues , an African - American woman about her age . I cannot figure out why Michelle feels she has to hold me down - - it seems there has been some misunderstanding . Barack is about to address an audience in the motel room , but I can 't see him or the crowd . His speech goes very well . Afterward , Michelle lets me get up , then she and Barack and I have a conversation about race in America . We agree about almost everything and have a lot of esteem for one another . I was walking a large dog on a leash when Barack approached with small dog on a leash . In order to let them pass , I let go of the leash of the big dog . The dog ran off and I felt guilty . Later , I spoke with my husband to tell him that I once again let go of the dog 's leash to let Barack and his dog go by . My husband insisted that I be firm and hold my ground while letting them pass . I was babysitting Barack 's kids . The kids kept multiplying and I couldn 't remember their names and felt embarrassed . They were paying me thirty dollars an hour which I was really excited about . I went to see a Rufus Wainwright concert with some friends in an abandoned building . We climbed up a green ladder into the balcony . Sitting sulkily in the corner was John Travolta , and in the row behind me was Barack . Rufus , looking chubbier than usual , said he wanted everyone to come down and take a group picture with him . Barack tapped me on the shoulder and said he didn 't want to go down because it would make a scene , so would I please take a picture for him ? I said , Sure , Barack Obama , and he handed me a disposable camera . I was on a train with a group of friends riding through some indefinite European country . We were drinking beer from large cans and playing cards . Obama was on the train with an entourage doing press of some sort . He wasn 't wearing a jacket - - it was a casual look . He came by and talked with us for a while , asking us where we were headed . I was confused and couldn 't remember where exactly we were going . I was very nervous because I didn 't want to be on camera with him . I have lots of dreams about riding on trains , though usually I 'm alone . Not being sure where I 'm headed is a common theme , which is sorta depressingly easily to psychoanalyze . My 4 year old son and I are in a train station ( not sure of its location ) and my son is very tired and and almost asleep on a set of couches in the middle of the station . Barack comes up to us and I introduce myself and my son . I say , Look Owen , here 's the next president of the United States . Barack shakes our hands and exchanges pleasantries with us . He is very cordial and interested in what my boy has to say . We go to leave to meet my wife and Barack thanks us for our time and we part ways . I feel very privileged to meet him . He leaves the impression that the honor was his . Barack was teaching a seminar outdoors next to a castle arched over a river like the Chenonceau in France . When I arrived at the riverbank , I found friends from high school and college wearing bedsheets wrapped around their bodies , standing waist - deep in the river in tight formation . They lowered themselves into the water in unison and emerged without looking at each other or speaking a word . As they did this over and over , I sat on a wall by the riverbank next to Barack and apologized for being late . I asked if I should get in , too . I didn 't want him to know that I had no idea what this demonstration was about . He told me not to worry about it and took out a book to read . Barack was scheduled to give a speech while sitting on my bed - - but it was really a bed in the home of my Republican in - laws . He sat near my pillow while I watched from the other side of the room . There were many people there , filling the house , including a reporter I kept trying to distract so she wouldn 't discover my in - laws ' political leanings . Just before the speech was to start , Barack noticed something on his wife 's shoe . She was standing at the foot of the bed . He picked it up and it was a bank receipt . It showed - 1000 and it turned out that she had overdrawn a campaign fund . He was starting to get angry when I woke up . I was back in college along with my two younger brothers and my now - deceased mother . I kept running into Barack Obama . He 'd stop and hassle me for not being politically active enough . He kept saying that he knew my dad and he 'd be very disappointed with me for not doing enough . I would slip away and get involved in the college drama ( like not having done any of the problem sets before a big math exam ) but then I would again run into Barack who would hassle me for my lack of activism . I was at a Barack rally and since I arrived early , I was sitting on the stage talking to Barack . He was trying to convince me , in a subtle and kind way , that I should vote - - not just for him , but in general . People began to fill the room , and I sat on a chair toward the back of the stage . I found his speech compelling and invigorating . I knew that he was the president we needed . He was full of compassion and insight . When he finished , most people began filing out , but some milled around like teenagers at a concert , waiting , hoping for a moment with their favorite musician . Barack stepped off the stage and greeted them , spending a few moments with each . Then he returned to me and we picked up our conversation from where we had left off - - discussing Will Truman from the TV show Will & Grace . I woke feeling like I should vote for Barack Obama , or at least think about registering . I was sitting in my high school classroom back in the Ukraine . It was well lit . Barack Obama was sitting near the back , by the window . He was wearing a big white turban . He was calm and was singing . The song , the sound , the music he was making was unbelievably beautiful . It was so beautiful that everyone was silently listening to him . The music was so touchy I almost couldn 't take it . It was ancient language and sounded like a gospel . I never had such experience from listening to music . It was a pure catharsis . I was at Barack 's house preparing a party for him and his supporters . It was a huge atrium - like modern space with thirty - foot ceilings and a balcony running along the sides . Instead of setting up , my friend and I decided to look inside the closets and drawers at all of Michelle 's legendary couture clothing . We pulled out all these Gucci , Prada and Valentino dresses . One drawer was entirely filled with beautiful gloves . Unfortunately , people starting arriving and we had to stuff all the clothes back into the drawers and closets . All throughout the party I kept worrying because I knew that she would know we had been through her closets and drawers . Barack and I had a dinner date where I was too shy to ask him the pressing political questions that were on my mind . I could only think to ask the well - worn question , Where did the expression , " Audacity of Hope " come from ? From de Tocqueville , he said , and gave me two volumes to read . After dinner , propped up against the counter , he couldn 't stop gazing into my eyes . The inevitable , delicious kiss followed . I thought of how I had to consider Michelle and not let it go any farther than that , but then he admitted he had something he wanted to show me . He then took off his clothes and placed me on his lap . Under my female genitalia he arranged to show his own , and they looked a lot like mine . I touched them to be sure , and they felt a lot like mine . I reached under them to see if he had male genitalia and asked him softly , Do you have a penis , also ? He said , No . I was touched that he felt comfortable enough to share that with me , and didn 't feel he was any less masculine for his female genitalia . Barack came to our town to hold a rally in a small room in a wooden house . He stayed a long time and there were many side events . His handlers kept failing to show up to whisk him away , but he took it all with with good humor , enjoying his interaction with ordinary folks . At one point , we all rushed out to a local furniture store to see the two gold sofas Barack had just purchased . He said he had been looking everywhere for sofas that were really gold - - not yellow or orange . We were proud he had found them in our humble town . I was taking a cooking class from Barack Obama . Every Monday evening he showed up to teach us cooking , even though he was still immersed in the presidential campaign . As he came in to the classroom , he looked very calm and started talking about today 's lesson . He said that today we would be cooking seafood , and that it was important that the food be fresh . So we all went out on a boat and traveled along a rocky shore . It was already night and we went into a cave . After a while , the crew told him we were there , and Barack started telling us what we were going to catch . All along , I was so touched that he would take time out from his campaign just for the twelve of us , but it seemed very important to him . I got the sense that this break from campaigning was important to him , and I wondered where he had been earlier that day . My boss wanted to hire this anarchist with a loud personality and tattoos on her throat . She seemed feral to me , and I had doubts about how well she would fit into our office culture . My boss and I went to her apartment , which was a mess . Dozens of people lived there . There were two coat racks , which were destabilized by the weight of many winter coats . The anarchist was very confessional and soon told us that she was Barack 's niece . Then we were on the campaign trail . It was literally a trail : a wide , dusty , Old Western trail . Barack asked my college best friend and I to go into a hotel bedroom . Then he asked us if we would have sex with him . He was polite and reserved , and when we said no , he seemed neither disappointed nor surprised . I did kiss him , and it felt solid . Once we were back on the trail , I felt suddenly charged with a mission . I argued that it was important that no one find out that Barack 's niece is unhinged and living in an urban commune . I said that if the press got hold of a photo of her moldy and filthy bathroom , it would mean big trouble for Barack . Plus , I said , I heard that she was planning on installing a gun holster in her shower curtain . I was at a resort . There was a building we all passed through to get to the beach . Barack Obama was there greeting the guests of the resort as we came in . He walked with me a few steps and made sure I had towels and a drink before going out on the beach . I relaxed for a while , then decided to shower there . I returned to the building where a friendly and helpful Barack showed me to an empty shower . I showered . Feeling relaxed and refreshed , I exited the stall and attempted to hang my used towel on a hook outside the door . Barack became serious all of a sudden and told me not to hang up the towel . He said that I had to fold the towel longways in thirds , then roll it jellyroll style . He showed me a basket where I had to place the jellyrolled towel , flat side down . I was no longer relaxed when I looked at the basket with one layer of towels , folded and rolled as he had instructed . A week ago I dreamt of having a tete - a - tete with Obama . It was very nice . We kissed and embraced each other and I loved his smooth dark skin , his special features . Barack and a girl friend of mine and I are sitting , talking about politics . Barack says something and I smell alcohol on his breath and I think it 's weird that he has alcohol breath . Then I remember we just had a party . He turns away and on the back of his head there are two nails , one higher than the other . I get really upset and say , I know they got him bugged . He gets up to go brush his teeth from the alcohol breath and I proceed to talk to my girl friend about a secret government that is conspiring and following him . He comes rushing into the room and says he wants to know all about it , and I am shocked he could hear me from the bathroom . Barack Obama and I were in my bed , having sex ; he was on top . Everything was going really well until we saw Michelle in the next room . Even though she couldn 't see us , Barack started to get worried and lose his erection . I told him that I was on the birth control pill so there was nothing to worry about ; I wouldn 't get pregnant and Michelle wouldn 't find out . That made him feel better and he got hard again . I had a dream it was snowing a lot . I went across the street to do laundry , then next door to get a drink where I met my boyfriend . Obama was in there giving a speech . It wasn 't so bad . It was just like he was talking to everyone privately at a table with strong soft words . It didn 't feel like he was hogging the mic . Obama asked us to take him back to where we were living . We took him to two places that became one : the apartment where we lived , that was dark and cold and poor , and the house down the street some kids we knew lived in whose parents had died . It was beautiful and rich . Sheila and Lauren and someone else were sharing a bed in a cold dark room where the windows were broken . Obama was sitting on the edge of the bed reading a rainbow card I had made myself to not feel so sad . He read it out loud , quietly - he said it was dumb and magical . I was in the hallway , I nodded . I woke up in the rich house in a huge soft bed with clean sheets and cream carpeting . The windows were broken and all the snow was coming in . [ The Hillary dream . . . ] There was a shootout in my home . It was like the wild west , with the women upstairs hiding and the men downstairs shooting . I don 't know who was fighting whom , or why . Barack Obama was there . He sat next to me on the couch but sat on my glasses so I could not see . I am standing in the front row of a large , packed arena . The crowded is going crazy in anticipation for Barack to come out , the atmosphere more rock concert than political rally . Barack finally emerges , only he has long , bright green dreadlocks and he 's bouncing around on stage in jeans and a white t - shirt , getting the crowd fired up . He passes up the podium and goes straight to the crowd , ripping his t - shirt off along the way , and gives everyone in the crowd a high - five . The crowd is loving it , but I find myself filled with anxiety , thinking , Wow , I 'm glad he has finally found his confidence , but I think this is taking it a bit too far . In a bright , white room Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden were fighting . Obama had Bin Laden pinned , when Bin Laden reached up and tried to break Obama 's jaw . Obama seized the opportunity to bite two of Bin Laden 's fingers off , the middle and ring finger . Then Obama was in a suit giving a speech and he was in the White House as president . ( I assume that the feat was so incredible there was no need for an election , or maybe he was already president . ) Each time he would say the part of the speech that garnered applause , he would show the two fingers , which he held up with a small tissue . Some people and I followed Obama into Lake Michigan . My terror of deep water came to me but then I suddenly knew that I would be able swim in this soft water and stay on the surface and not drown or be afraid . We swam and swam and then came around a curving shore towards a downtown Chicago harbor where there was a cheering crowd waiting to see him . But his two baby sons had been playing in the water and were missing . I swam out farther into the lake and found them clinging to some branches . They were cold and barely alive - - just very tiny babies . Just then Obama swam up and he saw that I had found them . He took one and I took the other and we swam them back to shore to where his wife was waiting . One of the babies smiled at me and said my name . I 'm in Washington , walking past some shallow , marble steps . Barack is sitting there , resting his elbows on his knees and reading from a small book . The book looks just like my journal . I started to panic . Is Barack Obama reading my diary ? Then I realize that I am holding my diary , so he must have one of his own . I think how cool it is that we have the same book in which to record our experiences , even though our lives are so different . Hey , we have the same book ! I call out , and hold up my diary . Barack looks over and smiles warmly but distantly , as though he is pleased by our little connection but is still deep in thought . I turn and walk on , enjoying the spring weather and glad that I was brave enough to speak to him . I am in a large room with some high - school friends , taking a test Barack has designed . Competition is steep and I am really emotionally invested in doing well . After the test is over , we all sit on the tables and wait for the scores . Mine comes out in the " weak " category . Barack starts walking up and down the aisles , acknowledging the people who have scored in the top category . Everyone else becomes an " untouchable " to him . It is like we didn 't exist and are of no importance at all . I feel absolutely horrible . I am at a nice , big cabin in the mountains of Colorado with some close friends and family , when an unplanned guest shows up . It is Barack Obama . He is so weak he can barely walk . Some men are helping him into the house . I get close and see that he is crying . I say , It 's ok , it 's just tears of milk . White tears are streaming down the left side of his face . The men begin helping him down a wooden deck toward the master bedroom , when Barack slumps down and something comes out from him : it is a big white snowball , followed by a large snow cube carved in an ornate way . Then the men help him up and he goes into the bedroom to lie down . My dad and I happen upon a church where Barack is speaking . Entering , I feel a strong sense of being different from the mostly black congregation . Barack stands at the pulpit , but he is old and pale with a receding , red afro . I am surprised that he is so much less attractive than in my mind . I know the religious right in the congregation are plotting his downfall . Then something odd falls from his person . It is a round object that resembles a child 's rubbery , flashing Spike Ball . I know that in the ball lies the success of Barack 's campaign . Only one other person sees it fall , and in her eyes I can tell that she also knows of its power . The average - looking woman and I tussle for the ball and when I come up victorious , I notice a change in the congregation . About half of the African - Americans are now white . I hand the ball to Michelle , who doesn 't thank me . I exit the church and shrug my shoulders at the woman I scuffled with and say , Sorry . I am with my stepfather 's family and they are making me crazy ! I get so angry and frustrated that I fall on the floor and start throwing a temper tantrum . My husband arrives and sees me . Without saying anything , he turns on some reggaeton music , which he knows I can 't resist . I get up and start dancing . We dance and dance and I think , I 'm so lucky to be married to somebody who knows exactly what I need ! Then I realize , That 's not my husband - - that 's Barack Obama ! I met Barack in the West Village while he was campaigning . We made out all over the city and he was a very good kisser . His campaign staff , who were totally unphased by this , prevented Michelle and the media from finding out . Turns out Obama was quite the ladies ' man . Everywhere we went , women flirted with him openly and thanked him for past good times . I was so thrilled to be with him , I didn 't even feel jealous , just lucky to have had him for a day and possibly as president in the near future . I was shopping for counterfeit handbags on a busy street in Chinatown with some of my friends . A number of the vendors had radios tuned to the same station , which was playing a modern jazz song . When the song ended , the DJ said , Now it 's time for Barack Obama , live from Hawaii ! . Barack 's voice came on , and said , My fellow citizens , this has been a long , hard campaign , and I am very tired . It 's a rocky path I must travel and I just don 't know if I can make it . Then he sang Ole Man River and the entire street fell silent . For the duration of the song , everyone just stood and listened . I am on a cruise with Barack somewhere in the Pacific . My job is to give him advice on campaign strategies . Barack is wearing a brightly - colored hibiscus - printed sarong . He looks so thin and concerned and vulnerable . As my maternal feelings well up , he begins to look more like my boy . I counsel him to take care of himself and to just continue to be himself . I tells him he is wonderful and that I am so proud of him . I would have liked to have been able to feed him and comfort him , but I held myself back from embracing him in my arms . I was standing on the sidelines of a baseball game , when I began to speak to one of the outfielders about why I support Obama . Eventually , a large crowd gathered about , listening and cheering as I elaborated on how Bush 's war in Iraq and the massive deficit were impeding American progress . I was neither stammering nor hesitating as I spoke . Talking about Obama seemed to eliminate any sense of self - doubt or uncertainty about my value as an individual . Barack and I had plans to drive to the outlet mall that afternoon . As we left my house and walked toward my husband 's Ford Explorer , we laughed like two old friends . He gave me a playful nudge and said , I just love you ! This made me ridiculously happy . When we reached the car , he had trouble fitting into the passenger seat because his legs were so long . The back seat was down and needed lifting . I was afraid he would make me lift it by myself , but he helped me . Then we drove to the mall . I 'm standing on a street corner watching Barack enthusiastically help a baby onto a pogo - stick / bicycle hybrid made of flimsy white plastic . The baby and pogocycle topple over onto the pavement . The thuddy sound was not unlike an old mushy piece of fruit landing on the floor . I remember being at once fascinated by the fact no brains spilled anywhere , and horrified at the sight and sound . I am at a dinner table with twenty - five people I 've known in my life , as well as some I 've never met . I start choking but everyone is talking and laughing and no one notices me struggling . I try to stand to get their attention when I feel someone grab me and begin the Heimlich , launching the chunk of food into the middle of the table . I turned to see who helped me , and it 's Barack Obama ! He takes my hands and gives me a big smile and says Thank you ! - - like he did at the rally in Seattle in real life . I say , You 're welcome ! My gosh , I didn 't even know you were going to be here tonight . Then he leaves and I wonder why he thanked me . I am in an apartment building , the fourth I 've moved into this year . Barack is unconscious in its medical care ward , and the only doctor there is absorbed with another patient . I ask if I can help , but he says no . I then follow the doctor to an elevator as he carries Barack out - - to get him better care elsewhere , I assume . On the way down , the elevator starts shaking wildly . I think it might be an earthquake , given the ferocity . I try to relax my body and ride it out . Then the building crashes to the ground . I am unharmed . The doctor carrying Barack seems fine , and Barack is not harmed further . The doctor hurries off with him and I learn that the building was still under construction from the 6th floor up , and was poorly made , which is why it was collapsing . Barack was giving a speech at The Phoenix Zoo , standing inside an exhibit . He had an orangutan on his shoulders and was talking about the importance of conservation . I found myself very impressed with his ideas but a little put off by the fact that he was so rushed that he didn 't have time to talk with us after his speech , and was just hustled on to his next engagement by a crowd of handlers . Barack was the new youth minister at my University . As a gesture of welcome , a group of us invited him out for the night for beers . The evening was a success , and we returned with him to his faculty apartment for some late - night , meaning - of - life conversation . We were getting comfortable when Barack excused himself to go to the restroom and came out lighting his Speed Stick Gel deodorant on fire and huffing the fumes . His adeptness with the deodorant / lighter technique and lack of self - consciousness implied this was simply his standard nightcap . I am in the back seat of a car that Barack is driving . Michelle is in the passenger seat . We don 't know each other well - - maybe they picked me up hitchhiking . I ask him about his daughters and I talk about the tiny crap - hole apartment I used to live in . It 's the next day , and I 'm talking to my coworker about Barack , feeling like I have a crush on him or something . I 'm an editor at a magazine , and my boss overhears . He says he wants to use my connection with Barack to ask him to write a story on kids ' room storage solutions . I feel that it 's not best way to utilize him . I was going to a retreat center in the mountains to do a mini - workshop with a shaman . I arrived late and walked out of the lodge to find the group . I walked down the path in the snow , and caught the last of the " ritual " with the ( Inuit ? ) shaman sitting by the fire , doing some sort of blessing . Then it was over . Heading back , I found myself walking with Barack . I somehow knew him on a personal level , and we chatted about how the campaign was going , how he was holding up , etc . It felt good to see him , like seeing an old friend . We went into the lodge together , finishing our conversation . Michelle saw us walk in and gave me a dirty look . I remember feeling annoyed because Barack and I were just friends and she knew that . I was shopping at a drugstore and came across a display of Valentine 's Day gift ideas . It included a CD entitled Barack Obama Sings 20 Classic Love Songs . I considered buying it for my sister . I was on Obama 's campaign bus and was sitting right next to him on some sort of a bench . He was wearing a crisp , light blue shirt , which I think contributed to me wanting to snuggle up closer to him . He then hugged me and we held each other for a while like that . The embrace had the warmth of fatherly affection , but I also remember waking up semi - aroused and thinking about his body . Posted by Barack was teaching a middle school class . I was at a desk in the back of the room . Everyone had slightly over - sized bobble heads , including Barack . He was a passionate teacher and had all of us engaged in a lesson . Then he pulled out an electric guitar and started playing and walking around the classroom , singing . When he came near my desk I jokingly yelled , Do your thang Huckabee ! Do your thang ! I 'm sitting in an ice cream store and Barack and Michelle walk in . My friend leans across the table to let me know that this is Barack 's new campaign strategy : no more big rallies , just meeting normal people in normal places . After a few minutes , I leave the shop and run into Barack outside . He tells me to walk and talk with him . He always walks a few steps ahead of me . He asks if I 'm a student , and I feel ashamed to say that I graduated several years ago . I tell him I 'm a youth minister . Barack laughs derisively and walks away . My grandmother told me her dream : I was in the living room of a modest apartment . There was a small dinner party and I was dancing with Obama . I went into the dining room and announced , I forgot to tell you that this is my husband Barack Obama and he is running for president . Then I said , Oh wait , I made a mistake , he 's not my husband . Michelle came in and I told that her I was sorry I said Barack was my husband because he is hers . She replied , That 's okay . Then everyone but me sat at the dinner table and Barack felt sick from the food and turned different colors . Next scene we are in an auditorium and I 'm standing in the back . Barack is walking down the aisle on the left side and he 's asking people to vote for him . Barack made a campaign stop in my hometown . Someone had booked him in a hotel that had a bathroom made entirely of glass , so you could see from the outside what he was doing in there , however it was clouded glass so you couldn 't see anything clearly . Someone made a video of him showering and posted it on the internet . Of course , this caused a hailstorm of controversy and everyone demanded that Obama explain why he would book a hotel with a see - through bathroom . He countered by explaining that it really wasn 't a big deal because it was clouded glass and you couldn 't see everything . My wife and I were driving an SUV on riverbed in Alaska . We pulled out of the river into a hotel parking lot . Then I found myself without my wife , in my hotel room , in the bathroom . Barack Obama came in . I said Mr . Obama , and he looked at me and addressed me by name . I was uncertain what to do , began to stand , then decided against it halfway . I had also reflexively put out my hand to shake his , and Barack did too . We both stopped , with pained expressions , and I said , You don 't have to . He quickly shook my hand . I sat down and told him he should wash his hand but he left the room . Immediately , a Secret Service agent came in and started to check the room for bugs . I asked him to give me a minute but he insisted he had to sweep the room right away . Obama was right outside the door asking me to hurry up because he had to go , but I was so self - conscious with this Secret Service agent there that I could not do my business . I was in a large house with vaulted ceilings and skylights , sitting opposite Barack at the Fisher Price table my brother and I had when we were kids . Like old friends , Barack and I were catching up on life and chatting about foreign policy and health care . Finally he had to go and asked if he could use our bathroom on the way out . I said sure . A dozen or so of my friends were scurrying around the house , playing tag . Just as Barack reached the bathroom , a friend darted in front of him , went in , and slammed the door . He shrugged like it was no big deal . I apologized . I dreamt that I was in a great big field . There was a volcano near me . Barack appeared above the volcano with an elephant on his head . The volcano erupted and Barack flew toward me . The elephant picked me up and put me on his back . The end . ( His father and I are both avid Barack supporters and talk about the race quite a bit at home . ) I dreamed I was at an Obama rally . As he spoke , he began to raise his hands in the air and levitate small objects around him . Everyone was shocked at first , but quickly accepted his abilities as real . He seemed a bit uncomfortable with what had happened , like he didn 't mean to do what he did . I had a vivid Barack dream last night that spoke to me of one of my ongoing internal struggles . I was at a campaign event for Barack , like a community BBQ . We sat at long picnic tables and Barack was on my right . It was like we knew each other and he was checking in to see what I was doing with my life . I said I was a filmmaker and I started going on about the transformative power of art . I mentioned Marcel Duchamp for some reason . Hearing that , Barack shook his head disapprovingly , asking me what it had to do with real folks like the ones at this BBQ . He thought I was wasting my life with all this artsy fartsy stuff and I should be doing something more pragmatic and political , be a lawyer like him , commit myself to service . I felt ashamed . My dream shifted and suddenly I was an indentured servant in some bizarre building complex surrounded by barbed wire . I was trying to escape , but it sort of felt like punishment for my self - indulgent ways . I was working in a giant field that had been freshly tilled and Barack was showing me how to pick out the rocks from the soil and toss them to the outskirts . As I pitched my first few rocks he was very encouraging , and placed his hand on my shoulder at one point to offer me kudos for my efforts . There was a crowd of dusty onlookers that were watching him instruct me . I remember feeling excited about what we might plant there . I was in a conference room at a hotel , standing behind white columns at the back of the room . I 'm not sure if there were other people in the room at the time . In slacks and a white oxford with sleeves rolled up , Barack approached me and extended his arms , and we embraced . He said , Thank you for your help , Verna . We hugged and he kissed my cheek . We continued embracing and then suddenly we were kissing for just a few more seconds . We both stepped back and looked at each other in confusion and surprise . I awkwardly stuttered my through an excuse to leave and Barack did the same . In the dream , I somehow knew his wife was approaching and that we needed to part ways before she discovered us . And that was that . I went to see my therapist at our regular time . When I entered her office , Barack Obama was sitting on the couch , leaning forward , looking like himself on the cover of The Audacity of Hope . My therapist informed me that instead of our regular individual therapy , we would be having group therapy with Barack and one other person , who I didn 't recognize . I felt angry that Barack was intruding on our session . I was standing on an enormous stage with Obama , his family , and many other people . The sun was shining radiantly in our eyes ; a huge glowing green field stretched out before us . My husband of six months and I stood behind Barack , holding hands , sturdy and joyful . I was overwhelmed with a feeling of certainty that my husband and I will have a good , happy life together . I 'm watching a movie preview for Horton Hears A Who . They 're showing clips of the actors reading their lines , then a clip of the cartoon character finishing the line . The actor playing Horton is Barack Obama ! He is saying the line , We must travel secretly . . . I dreamed that someone gave me a book by Barack , but instead of The Audacity of Hope it was The Lion King children 's book . The strange thing was that instead of Simba 's face on the lion it was Barack 's . Then when I closed the book I looked up and saw Barack smiling and he asked if I liked it . I said , I loved it . The Lion King is one of my favorite movies . I was in an empty restaurant , sitting with Barack at a table . I asked Barack about his feelings regarding the constant need for him to publicly reiterate that he is not a Muslim . Barack said nothing , got up and walked away . I tried to follow him , but he was elusive . I grew humiliated and upset . Barack and I had been involved in what I thought was a serious romantic relationship . Throughout the evening , I was sending him loving text messages and continually checking my phone , though I never received a response . As the dream progressed it became clear that he was either focused on his campaign or , more likely , had just lost interest in me , which was very upsetting . I was hanging out with Barack , flirting with him a bit . My boyfriend was with me and started getting annoyed at this . I dismissed my him , saying , Dude . . . it 's Obama ! As in , DUH , of course I 'm going to flirt with him , nothing wrong with that . Then I got a pang of guilt when I thought about Michelle Obama , thinking that I shouldn 't be a homewrecker . I dreamed Obama was a candidate in the Spanish general elections . It was election day and I went to cast my vote for him . I was looking around for the paper ballot but couldn 't find it . I became desperate and went up to the lazy officials , blaming them for just sitting around rather than having the ballots ready . I left the polling station sadly . Walking around the corner , I witnessed Barack cleaning the foggy windows of an expensive home . I tried to run and tell him that I was unable to cast my vote , but I was too sad , my legs were too heavy - - I could not advance . I was moving in the same place . I saw him , in the distance , grow tired . He sat down on an empty wooden stool in a fetal position . He looked beautiful and peaceful , still as a sculpture . I saw Obama walking down the street in a small village in Thailand . I asked him what he was doing here in Thailand when he should have been campaigning in America . We started talking , and he said he didn 't have any place to stay in Thailand . I told him he could stay with me , and he thanked me and we went off to do other things . Then I remembered that I was living with my students and I wasn 't in any position to say he could stay with us , especially since it was women - only house . I grew really worried . The thing is , I actually live in the same neighborhood as Obama and many of my friends have seen him near my home . Why did I displace the meeting to Thailand ? I was taking a trip to Hawaii - - but it was all very rushed and sudden . I could see the plane waiting on the runway and I was in my room thinking I needed something to read for the trip . As I was getting closer to the plane ( its colors were brown and red ) I saw Barack , who was going there , too . I thought that I should have brought a swimsuit . It was Valentine 's Day . I was waiting in line at a cheap department store . I was fifth or sith in line , and all of a sudden I saw that Barack was behind me . No one would let him cut in line , so I let him go ahead of me . He was wearing a completely pink suit . He had a dozen roses . How come you 're not dressed up for Valentine 's Day ? he asked me . I told him I didn 't usually do that , and he replied Oh I see , you like to take it easy . That 's cool . He paid for the roses and strolled out . Barack had come to speak at my summer camp . It was outside at Sunday Service , and we were all sitting on wooden benches looking out over the water . There were only a handful of people in attendance . I 'd helped set up the event , so I was sitting close up . After he spoke , I raised my hand to ask a question . Barack , are you a feminist ? He said he was not . I was very disappointed . This guy next to me wearing gold cuff links starts laughing at my question . Then I stormed out and said that I was voting for Hillary . Barack Obama stopped by with Lorna , a woman I used to work with . They were just standing there , he in a white shirt and dark pants , she stark naked with her long red hair covering her shoulders like she was Lady Godiva . He had brought her to pick up the baby , which was in the other room . He was explaining to me that she would be taking care of it . I was quite surprised because Lorna is an unmarried woman in her late 50 's , has no children , and I couldn 't understand why she would be caring for his - her ? - infant . Then they left , explaining they had to be on their way . Barack and I were in the back seat of a moving car . He was on top of me . We were making out ( clothed ) . Barack kept whispering in my ear , Tell me what you want me to change . . . Tell me what you want me to change . . . Each time I tried to tell him , he 'd go , Shhh , not too loud . I think he was trying to protect me . It was pretty hot . Let 's just say I was on the fence between before I went to bed that night , and when I woke up , I wasn 't . I was walking against the current through a crowd of people and Barack was walking toward me . He was so magnetic and seemed to be emitting a golden light - - very shiny . I couldn 't look away . He smiled at me , and just as he was next to me I thought , I have to vote for Obama . Once he was gone , however , I snapped back into the " real world " and wondered what had just happened . I felt as though some spell had been cast over me , and I was pretty angry at him . I 'd been invited to ride in the Obama campaign bus . I 've done a little freelance journalism in my time , so I was taking notes as if I was interviewing him . The Senator was actually driving the bus . He was wearing his usual dark suit and was chatting very informally with me , was very polite and amiable . The specific quote I remember him saying was this : Mary , you 're a very busy person . How do you balance it all ? How do you recharge your battery ? He asked this in a very respectful - of - the - working class way , and we had a rather mundane but pleasant conversation . I remember him spinning the big steering wheel , and casting his clear gaze across the horizon as he drove . I woke with the impression that he could win . I was in a smoky , hazy hotel office / suite with Barack Obama . We had driven back together from a big rally and speech . He walked ahead of me and was dismissive , or maybe just distracted . I wasn 't sure whether he 'd already won the presidency or was still just a candidate . I was acting as one of his assistants . I 'd been respectfully carrying his coat and now I lay it on the bed . When I tried to engage him in some light banter about how he felt about the rally , he seemed distracted and annoyed . I was struck that in private , behind closed doors , he was a different man : cordial enough , certainly not mean - spirited , but his tone in private was nothing like his public persona . He reached for a pack of cigarettes , though the room was already smoky enough . My dream was set at the Robert F . Kennedy assassination , in that same room . Barack was at the podium . He finished speaking and stepped down from the podium and began his exit , everything as it had been at the RFK assassination - at least as I have seen it portrayed in films . As Barack walked through the narrow path which security had made through the crowd , a man lunged forward and shot and killed him . The moment I woke up , I felt overwhelmed by futility and profound frustration . I felt terrible for the people whose hopes had been shattered , with no recourse . I went to Washington to meet Barack . He was running around and I kept having to run to catch up with him . I was going up to people and telling them who he was - that he was running for president , and just all the great things about him . But I was not doing a good job . I would stutter and lose my train of thought . People weren 't listening to me . I was so frustrated ! These people were walking right past him and they didn 't know that he was the most amazing man in the world ! Barack and I ended up in his small office . It was inside a classroom where advanced math was being taught . We talked for some time and I explained that I am not a good speaker - that I have problems conveying my thoughts accurately . He told me to talk to one of his staff who would help me . Then I asked Barack why he had allowed me into his office and he said it was because of my " letter . " Apparently I had written him a letter . Well , he had to run off again , this time to the Library to Congress to return a copy of the Constitution that dated back to the 1700s . I began going up to people in the street , and talking to them , trying to tell them who Barack Obama was , but I was no better than I had been in the beginning . I became best friends with Barack Obama . We had a sleepover at his house and played board games all night , like it was middle school again . In the morning , he went to the kitchen to cook up some pancakes . While he was out of the room , I took the opportunity to call my friend on the phone , all excited , saying , You have to come over ! I 'm at Barack 's house and we have pancakes ! She replied , Yeah , whatever , me and Barack are BFF . We 're going to hang out later this afternoon . I was in a Barnes & Noble with my boss . Barack stopped in while we were perusing books on the second floor . I guessed he had a speaking engagement nearby . He was standing next to us and all kinds of people were coming up to him and telling him that they supported his policies , telling him their stories , asking him questions . His presence was very calming and he answered everyone 's questions thoughtfully . I woke up understanding why people like him , and thinking to myself that I should try to read more about this election and maybe even vote . Keanu Reeves was voted in as the next President of the United States . He was giving his acceptance speech , dressed in jeans and a hoodie . He looked good , but we were all shocked . How did he win ? Did we even know he was running ? I set about urgently painting him a sign , twelve metres long , with a too - dry paint brush , reminding him of all the things he had to remember : Prioritize education . Provide medicare . Cap corporate profits . The environment ! There were two brief interruptions as we fielded interviewed reactions from Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama . They were both equally stumped . They didn 't know he was running , but were gracious losers . I was back in College . Barack was a professor . It was Thanksgiving weekend , and Barack was organizing an Orphan 's Thanksgiving for all of us who had no where else to go . It became a really huge production . People were abandoning their plans with their families in order to go to Barack 's house . I was put in charge of writing thank - you notes and baking the pies ( I had explained to Barack how my family always made key lime pie for Thanksgiving ) . Over dinner , Barack described Illyrian architecture . When I woke , I wondered , Is there such a thing as Illyrian architecture ? It was very strange . Usually I just dream about my teeth falling out . Barack and I were sitting in my office , and he was consulting with me about corrective eye surgery . He had been referred to my practice for my expertise , and though I was flattered that he had come to me , I referred him to a well - known surgeon for the consult . I asked about his eyeglasses and if I might see them . He said he hated his glasses , but when he showed them to me , they were beautiful retro frames : thick , tortoise - shell , plastic . Yet they were mangled and badly in need of repair . I encouraged him to wear them , and offered to repair them . I began adjusting the frames in my private lab when I promptly broke them . I was horrified . I was in front of a building when Barack came out by himself . I went over to introduce myself and shake his hand . He gave me a dead fish handshake and wouldn 't look me in the eye when I spoke to him . His secret service people came out right after that and he left . I decided that I didn 't like or trust him . I was running up a snowy road and Barack Obama was running beside me . A lot of people were running downhill , in the opposite direction , and they had the proper winter running attire on . Not me - I was in my street clothes , and a giant truck kept forcing me into the left side where there were giant puddles and I got my feet wet . Barack and I came to a street in New York - - 121st and Broadway , next to my old apartment - and went into a large , dark assembly room that had the feeling of a church . I talked to Obama and we realized we both had a Columbia connection . He had been very nice to me on the run , when I felt I had him to myself , but then he became more interested in what was going on in the room and he ignored me . I felt hurt because of this and started to write him off , feeling that he wasn 't who he said he was . He walked away from me , over to some women . I realized that everyone in the room wanted a piece of him . I saw my mother in the rows of seats opposite me and I got up and walked over to her and told her the story of what happened between me and Barack . I looked over to see that he was now fully engaged in some other conversation , and he seemed intent and interested . I thought , He will shut down after a minute and become inward . My recurring dream is that I am Michelle Obama . In one dream we had a lot of campaigning to do , but I needed to take the kids to see their grandparents . I told Barack that I could not handle all this pressure from campaigning . He told me we didn 't have any events scheduled for that day , but I didn 't believe him and I yelled at him because we were in the middle of campaign season , primaries were coming up , how could we not have anything on the schedule that day ! ? Barack and another politican who was a democratic nominee - but I don 't think exists , or maybe it was John Edwards - were having a gun fight in my basement . I shot them both and had to figure out what to do with the bodies . I went into a different room of the house and it reminded me of one of the houses I lived in when I was a kid . My parents thought I should put the bodies in trash bags with some other random stuff and try to throw the bags away and pass it off as household garbage . I was like , Shouldn 't we tell the police what happened , or something ? My mom said , No , let 's not do that . Later I saw Barack on the news and I felt relief that I hadn 't shot him - - that it was just one of his copies . Barack was being interviewed on one of those Sunday news shows and the host asked him if English should be the official language of the United States . He said yes , absolutely : It is the national language . How horrible would it be to hear somebody speak a language other than English in our country ? I sat there watching and thinking , This campaign is pretty much over . . . Barack Obama hadn 't been seen in a few days , and all the commentators were wondering where he was and why he wasn 't out campaigning . Then suddenly he shows up at a Clinton rally , and he 's campaigning for her all of a sudden . He gives this great speech about how excited he is to be on Hillary 's side . I turn to the people I 'm with and ask , Did she brainwash him ? My girlfriend and I are hanging out with Barack , leaning against the brick wall of a public school , casually talking . There is an attractive young black woman there , too . I lean over to tell her that we are going to dinner if she wants to come with us . I 'm not Michelle , she replies . I was running some errands with Barack . Michelle was in the hospital after having a cyst removed , and one of our errands was to pick her up . Barack was driving an SUV and we were having difficulty finding a parking spot near the hospital . We drove down a narrow street with cars parked on both sides , then it dead - ended . It didn 't look like it was possible to turn around . I became very tense . I thought , Oh , no , he 's going to get very angry and run into all these cars when he tries to turn around . Then the media will find out and he 'll ruin his chances of being nominated . But he very cooly did a 7 or 8 point turn , deftly turning the car around , and we headed back up the street . I thought to myself , Well , I 'm voting for him . I was watching the Democratic National Convention . Al Gore was giving a very powerful speech . He chose that moment to tell everybody that he 'd thought about it and , yes , had had decided what the heck , he would run for president after all . Everybody went nuts . I looked at Barack , who was sitting with the other candidates . Edwards was there , too . They all look startled . I turned to my my wife and said , Wow , Obama looks upset . Obama was having a rally in a giant arena . I ended up in a seat right near him at the podium because the regular seats were filled . Obama was standing before the cameras and gesturing with his arms . I could not concentrate on what he was saying because I was awed by his presence . During a break , he came up to me as if I worked for him . I need you to draft a letter for me , he said . Sure , I said . Anything I can do . . . It 's to the board of a local nonprofit , he continued . I was glad . That 's the kind of thing I do at my real job . He gave me a brief description about what it should say , then went back to the podium . I got to work at once . I had a pen but I didn 't have a piece of paper . All I could find near me was a hamburger bun . I started to write out the letter on the hamburger bun while Obama gave his speech , but with every few strokes the pen would break through the outer surface of the bread into the soft middle . I was getting nowhere and didn 't know what to do . I dreamed I had to get something signed by Barack Obama . Instead of sleek campaign headquarters , it was him at a messy desk in a dusty , cluttered room , like where a professor would be . Obama told me he was busy and to have a seat . I sit in front of his desk and pick up a magazine . Obama gets on the phone to someone connected to the campaign . He speaks in a low , quiet voice , but then I start to notice something strange : Obama has an incredibly dirty mouth . He 's on the phone , cussing up a storm . The phone seems to rile him and as he gets angrier , his voice gets louder and louder , and his language gets more and more profane and deranged . I try hard to concentrate on my magazine , but the more I try to , the more disturbed I become . He never yells at me , but he is positively out - of - control with rage at this point . Then Michelle Obama enters the room , also furious . She starts yelling at her husband , and the reason why becomes clear very quickly - - she 's brandishing two Playboy magazines , which she apparently found in Barack 's desk . Apparently , he promised her he would get rid of them and reneged . Michelle is raging away , but at this point , Obama seems to have calmed down . Instead of answering Michelle , he just sits at his desk and takes it , a big dumb grin playing across his face . The more she threatens him , the bigger the grin and the more smug his body language becomes . More people gather , mostly women . At this point , the entire office seems to be yelling at Obama , while he does nothing . Nobody notices me as I tiptoe out of the room , paperwork still unsigned . Barack Obama was my teacher . Despite myself , I kept falling asleep in his class . This baffled and irritated me . We sat at a long table . Obama said important things and others were deeply moved by his lessons . I desperately wanted to focus , wanted to submit assignments , to impress him , but I was utterly unable to stay awake . I was Barack 's mistress . He picked me up from a party that I was at with Alton Brown . We went driving around in a small town with lots of fields , then we stopped at an ice cream shop . No one knew who Barack was , so he started filling them in , telling them what he was all about . I asked the driver if I should buy a suit so that people would think I was Barack 's assistant , rather than his mistress . We then walked into a bar that seemed to be made almost entirely out of gold and the bartender started yelling at us . I asked her if she wanted to fight , then I woke up . In my dream , Hillary kissed me a few times on the cheek . She had hot red lipstick on . I saw Bill 's pecs . He had a hot bod . For a second I thought I was going to sleep with him , but then I ended up in a car with someone I didn 't know and I learned about Obama 's secret affair with his black slave servant . I dreamed last night that Obama was assassinated . I was like No ! This is a dream ! Can 't be true ! Then I woke up but I was still in the dream . I went to npr . com and there was a picture of him shot . I thought , Wait a minute , am I still in a dream ? People were trying to tell me I wasn 't . I had a strange dream . Obama , who was now president , was shot by one of his secret service men . That guy was then shot by another secret service guy , who then shot Obama . What brought all this on ? I don 't have a great interest in the U . S . election . In the dream , Barack 's daughters were my age , 17 . They invited me to their house . We was talking about boys and we was getting loud . Barack came and told me I couldn 't talk with his daughters cause I was getting loud . I was like , That 's dumb , we 're just having girl talk . The Mrs . cooked food for a whole bunch of people . Then it cut to Barack running up a hill with his supporters . It was just like a commercial . I had such a great dream last night . Barack Obama came to my church and gave a speech . I don 't remember what he said , just that he was very eloquent . Afterwards he and his wife were standing near the doors , shaking hands . I went up to shake his hand and I was so nervous ! He was like 8 feet tall in my dream , but when I reached out to take his hand he gave me the sweetest smile . I was still a student in some sort of school . For a project , we were paired with celebrities . I don 't remember who else was there except for Penelope Cruz . I got Barack Obama . I was intrigued by our pairing . I wondered what he would ask me , but he just " mailed in " the interview . He was on his cell phone most of the time . He could have shown a little class . In the end I just told him that I watched Lost and Heroes . Had a dream last night that Barack Obama was on the verge of becoming the first black president , but was assassinated right before the election . The dream seemed real . Would be weird if it came true . Barack dropped by my apartment unexpectedly while I was having a small party with friends and family . He was not Obama the presidential candidate , but more like Barack the cool celebrity . He arrived in a whirlwind , and before I had time to let it sink in , he was gone . He kept saying I 'll be right back , as he left in a hurry with his assistant , a fashionably - dressed young man . I watched out the window as they got into a cream - colored limousine , which was parked right in front of my building . The limo had lights on the outside which made it look like it was glowing and all - the - more glamorous . After Barack left , more people stopped in because word had spread that Barack was at my place . We waited for him to come back as he had promised . Suddenly ( as often happens in my dreams ) I realized I didn 't have any pants on . My doorbell rang , and I scrambled to get some pants on while thinking , Oh my gosh , it could be Barack at the door . I put on my brown corduroys because that 's all I could find . They were way too tight and I could barely walk . I went quickly to the door to find two of my cousins , not Barack . The limousine did come back later , but only his assistant got out . I was disappointed . In the spring of 2008 , during the Democratic primaries , I collected the sleeping dreams people were having about Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton , edited them slightly for length , and posted them here . Once the primaries were over , I stopped . The dream researcher Kelly Bulkeley continues the project by collecting dreams about Barack Obama on his related site . I am the author of several books of fiction : How Should a Person Be ? , The Middle Stories , Ticknor , a children 's book called We Need a Horse , and The Chairs Are Where the People Go , with Misha Glouberman . I am currently working on a book that is still accepting contributors called Women in Clothes . Details at : www . womeninclothes . com www . sheilaheti . net

I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Albus Dumbledore arrived at Privet Drive to find the fire trucks already there . Arabella Figg had alerted him to the fire at Number Four and Albus had arrived in seconds . Albus knew that his clothing was strange , but still he went to the neighbours who were standing outside watching . " I saw the flames and called it . They were all home , and the fire was too hot to go in . The police said that all are dead , " one lady said . Albus nodded and walked away . That was the end of Harry Potter . He heard the lady continue to talk and stopped . " … strange man was outside but the fire was really high then . I don 't know if he just saw the flames or was the one who started it . I told the police . " " He 's dead . We will have to notify the Ministry . The Aurors will launch their investigation . A neighbor saw a man outside . I am assuming that it is a Death Eater , who set the fire . " " I guess that the Dursley 's made it so hard for him to live , that he for a little of time did not consider it home . The Death Eater must have just come to do him some harm . I will look into the matter . We both must get back , Minerva . The other teachers will wonder where we have gone off to . School starts in two weeks , and we will need to alert the rest of the teachers . We have a lot of work to do , and we will have to move fast . " " I understand . " Minerva looked away from Albus and there were tears in her eyes . Albus was also fighting off tears that three humans had to die to kill Harry Potter . The Death Eaters were still trying to save their Lord and Master , Lord Voldemort . But Albus was going to do everything in his power to stop Voldemort from gaining power this time around . Harry Potter walked up the front steps to the school . He knew that by the time he arrived in the Great Hall , the sorting would be nearly over . The front doors were open and Harry just walked right in . He had been told what to do . He was to walk into the Great Hall with his head held high and proclaim who he was . He had seen pictures of his father and knew that no one would be able to say that he wasn 't his son . He had his mother 's eyes though . Harry got to the doors and opened them . Harry looked to the end of the hall and saw the teacher 's table . Professor McGonagall was standing away from the rest of the teacher 's and was holding a list in her hand . She looked up at him . Harry was wearing a set of Hogwarts robes and had everything that he needed already in a trunk with the rest of the students things . " And who are you ? " McGonagall asked . She rolled up the list and started towards him , placing the roll in a pocket . Harry smiled at her and held out his wand for her to take . McGonagall gasped and looked up the hall into the eyes of the man sitting at the middle of the table , Albus Dumbledore . Harry had been told a lot about him . The older man just stared at Harry for a few seconds . McGonagall motioned for Harry to follow her . She kept his wand in her hand . When they arrived at the front of the hall , she handed the wand to Dumbledore . He looked at the wand . " Mr . Ollivander had sent word to me that the wand had been purchased . He did not give me the name of the student , which I had thought odd . Now I see why . Harry , you and I need to talk . First , we have to sort you , " Dumbledore spoke low and just to Harry as he handed Harry his wand back . He turned to McGonagall and smiled at her . " Professor if you will . " " Seat . Yes , I know . I have been told all of it . My father has told me what to expect . May we please get on with this ? " McGonagall nodded and held up the hat for Harry to sit down on the stool . She placed the hat on his head . It fell down slightly over his head and stopped at his ears . " Well … who 's your … I see . That is interesting . That … would want you in Gryffindor . Fine then better be Gryffindor ! " The last the Sorting Hat called out to the rest of the school . Harry smiled and looked up at the teacher 's table . He knew all of the faces at the table . Professor Severus Snape was the Potions teacher , Aurora Sinistra was the Astronomy , Filius Flitwick the Charms , Quirenus Quirrell the Defense Against the Dark Arts , Cuthbert Binns the History of Magic , Pomona Sprout taught Herbology , and of course McGonagall taught Transfiguration . These were the teachers that Harry would have in his first year . The others were ones that he wouldn 't have until his third year , if he chose their classes . Silvanus Kettleburn taught care of magical creatures . Bathsheba Babbling taught Ancient Runes . Septima Vector taught Arithmancy . Sibyll Trelawney taught Divination . Charity Burbage taught Muggle Studies . Flying was taught by Madam Hooch . Others were missing from the table . Rubeus Hagrid was the Keeper of the Keys and Grounds , Irma Pinch was the librarian , Poppy Pomfrey was the nurse , and Argus Filch was the caretaker of the castle . He was in the back of the room , watching Harry with a keen eye . Harry smiled at him as he stepped away from the stool . He went slowly over to the Gryffindor table and sat among the ones that his father had told him to sit with . " Hi ! May I sit with you ? " Harry asked looking at the young boy his age . He had red hair , as did the other boys around him . " Yes , I know . My father has shown me pictures of your family . " Harry smiled at the rest of the family in turn , naming them as he looked at them . " Percy , Fred , and George . Did I get that right ? " " My father wanted to make sure that I had friends . He thought that maybe you would be good ones . " Harry looked at the girl sitting on the other side of Ron . " And you 're Hermione Granger . I 'm pleased to meet you . " " He is the one who saved me from the Dursley 's , my aunt and uncle 's house that burned down . He was too late to save them but he saved me . They were upstairs . Which is where the fire started . I was downstairs . They made me sleep in a broom closet . The Death Eaters that set the fire didn 't know that . He pulled me out of it and whisked me away . I don 't know what he did to make it seem like I was really in the house . I don 't know whose remains … " " There were none . There was nothing but ash left . Magic was used to see who was in the house . There were four that were in there when the fire was set , " Hermione said . " That 's how he did it then . The magic knew I was in the house they probably didn 't ask if I was taken out . He is the only person who has ever shown me love so I call him father . He doesn 't mind . I don 't think my real mother and father would mind , either . " Hermione smiled at Harry . Harry turned to look at his plate . He knew most of the dishes on it . Even though they were in Wales and some of the dishes were strange . His father fixed food much like it at their own little home . Pumpkin juice was something that Harry loved but his father didn 't let him drink much of it until just a few years back . Harry had drunk milk and juice much like he had sometimes got while living with his aunt and uncle . " There was a picture of yours released . I guess it was your photo taken for school . You didn 't look healthy … " Fred trailed off while taking a break from eating . " They didn 't feed me much . I had to sneak food and when I got caught … I went without it . Father has never used food as a punishment . I got into trouble a lot when I was first with him … I tested the boundaries . I still get into trouble sometimes . " Harry turned back to his food and no one asked any questions of him . Harry looked around as he ate . He looked at the tapestries above the tables and at the teachers . Every time he looked at the table and locked eyes with Snape , Snape was staring at him as well . Harry decided not to look at him anymore . Dumbledore looked at Harry with a strange look on his face . Harry just smiled at him . Dumbledore walked forward and Snape and McGonagall stepped in behind him with Harry following them . It was a quiet trek from the Hall to what Harry assumed was Dumbledore 's private office and rooms . Dumbledore stood in front of a gargoyle and said a few words . Harry didn 't catch them but Harry knew it had to be the password to gain entry into the rooms . Dumbledore motioned for Harry to sit down when he reached his desk . Harry sat down in a comfy chair and McGonagall sat in another chair beside him . Snape perched himself on the corner of the desk closest to Harry . " There is no doubt that he is James 's . The face … that is James 's face no doubt , " Snape said . Harry turned to look at him . " I know quite a bit about my parents lives . my father could gathered all that he could and told me . I know that my mother and the Professor were friends . She was a Muggle born and he is a half blood . She lived close enough to the Professor 's house that he was able to see her perform magic . " " I am afraid that he has asked me that I not tell you . For my own safety . I was under your protection when I was almost killed . He feels that no one knowing is better . Of course , if you really wish I could tell you … under the unbreakable vow . Not the Fidelius Charm , I don 't trust someone else to put the charm on . " " No . That will not be told to you . I do have a Muggle way of sending mail to me . It is called a box . I will of course provide you the address to send me my letters during the summer that tell me what books I need . " " Yes . I understand the concerns of the man who has raised him . Harry is safer with fewer people knowing the intimate details of his life . Harry , Professor McGonagall will show you to your common room and will tell you the password to enter it . I assume that you have everything that you need ? " " I see , " Dumbledore said looking at Snape . Harry stood up and followed McGonagall out of the room . As he left he heard Snape demand that tests be done to make sure that this was the correct Harry Potter , that it wasn 't an imposter . Also his things be searched to look for Polyjuice potion to make sure that it was not the way that he was able to look like Harry . Harry moved through the first week of classes with little problem . He loved his classes . He knew some of the things about the Wizarding World but some of them were still a mystery to him . His father hadn 't told him all the secrets of the castle . He had told Harry that some things were better seen with eyes that weren 't expecting . Harry had become fast friends with Ron and Hermione . He hadn 't really ever had friends before . His father was scared of what children would think of him . He had though when he was younger gone to Muggle parks and played . His father had felt that some interaction with children was necessary . Especially after growing up with his cousin Dudley . Harry looked at his watch while sitting at the breakfast table . Ron and Hermione were running late . They had double potions first off and Harry didn 't want to be late . Finally , he saw them heading his way through the hall . Harry was glad there was only about fifteen minutes left before they had to leave for class . Ron sat down and quickly started shoveling food in his mouth as Harry finished his glass of milk while Hermione started eating at a slower pace . " Double potions with Slytherins ? " Ron asked . Harry nodded . He had heard the stories from the other students about Snape favoring the Slytherins , because he was head of Slytherin house . " We don 't want to be late , " Hermione said . After ten minutes , they left the table . They made their way to the dungeon where the class was being held . It was colder in the dungeon but the robes kept them warm . Harry sat down at a table along with Ron . Hermione and another Gryffindor named Neville Longbottom were sitting at the table next to them . The Slytherins piled in and took their own seats . Harry watched the one called Draco Malfoy . His father had told him all about the Malfoy family . Snape was standing at the head of the classroom . He was behind a desk and held a sheet of paper in his hand . Once the rest of the class had filed in , he started roll call . He hesitated ever so slightly when he called Harry 's name and then continued on with the list . When he was done he set the list down and looked around the class . " You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potionmaking . As there is little foolish wand - waving here , many of you will hardly believe this is magic . I don 't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes , the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins , bewitching the mind , ensnaring the senses … . I can teach you how to bottle fame , brew glory , even stopper death - if you aren 't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach . " He looked around the class . His gaze stopped at Harry . " Potter ! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood ? " " Very good , Potter . It seems that for once I have a Gryffindor that cracked a book before he came into my class . Well , why aren 't the rest of you copying that down ? " There was a flurry of quills and paper as the rest of the class wrote down the questions and answers . Snape set them up creating a potion . Hermione was flustered that she hadn 't been the one to answer the questions so she made sure that the potion that she and Neville were making turned out right . Ron tried to help with their potion , but he was mainly just getting the ingredients ready . Harry produced a potion that Snape said nothing about but praised Draco 's . Harry knew that his was better than Draco 's but he kept quiet . Snape gave a smug looking Draco and his partner Pansy Parkinson full points . Harry , Ron , Hermione , and Neville got nearly full points . Draco didn 't look at Harry smugly anymore . " Potter ! " Draco called as they left the classroom . Harry stopped as did Ron and Hermione as Draco ran up to them . He looked at Ron and Hermione and looked hesitant . Hermione and Ron walked slowly out of the corridor . Harry turned back to Draco . Draco looked around the corridor and then motioned for Harry to follow him into an empty room . Harry followed him into the room with his hands crossed on his chest . His right hand was gripping his wand in the safety of his robes . " You … you never came back . I was there the day that your … father or what ever he is came and got you . I had just arrived at the park . I saw him grab you by your shirt and carry you off . By the time that I had got to where I saw him take you around a corner you were gone . I thought that you were dead . You never contacted me and then that night you come barging into the Great Hall and I find out that Harry James that I played with was really Harry Potter . " " Draco , that was my father . He didn 't hurt me . He was scared that someone could recognize me . Your father would have if he had ever seen me . I am the spitting image of my father . He thought that it was the first time I had ever gone there . When he found out that I had been there many times … he was mad at me but he did not hurt me . I had to make an oath that I would never go back and never contact the young Muggle boy that I been playing with . I didn 't ' tell him you were a wizard . He watched me close when he got home from work every evening . I dared not risk contacting you . I knew that I would see you here . " " Yes , I knew . I knew from the instant I saw you that you were a Malfoy . We can meet at a later time . Right now we both need to go on our ways . " " I know Draco . You were the only friend I ever had . Let 's talk later . Until later , Draco . " Harry turned and walked away from Draco . He had made friends with Ron and Hermione easily enough but Draco was his best friend . It just wouldn 't do to have someone see them two together at that particular point in time . Harry was in considerable danger . Many of the children in the Slytherin house had Death Eaters that were close to him . Draco could be hurt if it was known that he was close to Harry Potter . " He wanted me to know that his hand was out in friendship and that he would show me which students here at the school were the right kind to be associated with . Well , forget about him , I am going to go down to the grounds and visit Hagrid . Do you want to come with me ? He is really a nice gentleman . Very lonely . He was the one who took me to my Aunt and Uncle 's when I was a baby . " Harry watched as most teachers stared at him longer than they should and how some Slytherin students glared at him with such hatred in their eyes that he would have been dead if only looks could kill . One set of eyes watched him all the time and those belonged to Professor Severus Snape . Ron figured that Snape hated him for some reason but Harry just shrugged . It was Quirrell that Harry was worried about . His scar hurt when Quirrell stared at him for any given length of time . Harry had ways of contacting his father but he didn 't know if he should just yet . He was still getting used to the place . Hogwarts was strange to Harry . His father had raised him in a Muggle way for the most part . Harry had lived with the man who saved him for almost a year before he had even explained what Harry was . The man had never lied to him just said that Harry would be told everything when he was older . Harry knew that the man could be trusted but he still pushed all the boundaries he could . One night he slipped out of his bed and tried to sneak out of the house . He wanted to go to the sea that he could hear one good days walk from his bedroom window . Harry ran from the house the instant he got outside . What he hadn 't expected was the rocks to be everywhere on the ground . Harry tripped and fell . The instant he hit the ground he felt one of his legs break . His father came out of the house , holding a glowing stick in his hand . The stick went out and then Harry heard him mutter a few words . Harry felt instant relief in his leg and his father pulled him up . " Harry , you and I are wizards , " his father had said . Harry had looked up at the man and gaped . " Your mother and father were ones as well . I had hoped to wait a year longer to tell you all of this because it is a rather heady story but you had to go and act reckless like your father . Harry , I will never lie to you . Your parents were not killed in a car wreck . They were great wizards and having you think that is how they died , is ludicrous . They were murdered by the man who gave you that scar . A man by the name of Voldemort . " Halloween was fast approaching ; Harry was looking forward to the party that was going to be thrown in the castle . It was only three days away . Ron was also looking forward to the party and Hermione was hoping that she could cut out of the party early and be able to do schoolwork . During one of their second broom training classes with the Slytherins , Neville 's broom acted up and bucked him off , breaking his arm . He dropped his Remembrall , and a Slytherin that Harry hadn 't taken the time to remember his name took it . While Madam Hooch took Neville to the Hospital Wing , the Slytherin made comments about Neville . " No . Maybe if the fat lump had given this a squeeze he would have remembered how to fly . " With that the Slytherin took off on his broom and flew up into the air . Harry followed him , a natural at flying . The Slytherin , when Harry had caught up to him quickly , decided to throw the Remembrall away from him to break it . Harry chased after it and caught it just as it was about to hit the wall of castle . What he did not see was that it was the wall of Professor McGonagall 's office and she saw the whole thing . Harry touched down to the ground as the rest of the Gryffindors surrounded him , cheering . It ended quickly when McGonagall walked into the yard and called Harry 's name . As he followed her , he could hear the Slytherins cat calling and making jokes about him going to be kicked out of the school . That night Harry wished that he had a way to contact his father . He didn 't trust a school owl because even they could be intercepted . He wanted to tell his father of him being the youngest player on Hogwarts school team in over a hundred years . He wanted to tell his father about the friends he was making and the things that he was learning in his classes . He decided that since he couldn 't tell his father , he was going to tell Hagrid . He made his way down to the cabin on the edge of the grounds . There he found Hagrid sitting outside the cabin like he was waiting on him with a cage set beside him . " I received a letter from your father , ' Arry . He told me to go the town and buy you an owl . He let the decision up to you . Of course , he did not tell me who he was just that he trusted me to buy you a wonderful owl . He also said in the letter that whatever I get you . He or she would be named Hedwig . He said that it was the name of your favorite owl in a story . I was about to head up to the castle to give her to you . She will find your father and he will make sure that she would never give up her secrets . Of course , I would still not give away anything . Congrats on making the Quidditch team . " Hagrid nodded and went back into his cabin . Harry grabbed the cage with Hedwig in it and nearly ran back up to his dormitory . There he found a package on his bed . It was from his father . He knew the packaging . Inside was owl food and treats . There was no note . Of course , there is no note , Harry thought . Harry let Hedwig out of her cage and she flew to his shoulder . He quickly ran to his desk and started writing his father a letter . I have received Hedwig as you can see and I love her . Hagrid chose well . Today , I made it onto the Gryffindor Quidditch team . A Slytherin took a Remembrall from another student and threw it to break it . I chased after it and McGonagall saw me . I didn 't get into trouble but I did make the team . I have made many friends here at school . As you said I would . The Weasley 's are a wonderful family and all of them seem to really like me . Professor Snape is a biy wary of me and he thinks that I am some imposter that takes Polyjuice potion . Dumbledore quickly gained control of the students and had the prefects and head boys and girls take the rest of the students back to their dormitories . Harry , Ron , and Hermione were the last ones to step onto the stair cases to head up and found that they got separated by one of them moving while they were on it . Harry knew another way to get to the rooms ; Hermione and Ron quickly decided to follow him . They were outside a set of restrooms when the troll came out of the girls ' restroom and they drew their wands . " Potter , Weasley , Granger , don 't move , " Snape called out . Harry could see him on the other side of the troll . He was alone and had a gash on his leg . It didn 't look like it came from the Troll . It looked like a wound that a claw would make . Snape waved his wand and nothing happened . The Troll took a few steps towards the kids and Harry raised his wand . The only spell he could think of was the one that they had been learning . Wingardium Leviosa . He did the wand motion and practically yelled the words . The spell did not actually hit the troll . Just the club that he was using . The club soared up into the air and Harry was so surprised that he dropped his wand . The club fell on the troll 's head and knocked it out cold . Snape hobbled to them . Seconds later , McGonagall and Dumbledore rounded the corner . " We were on way to the dorms when the stairs changed on us . We were cut off . I knew another way and we went that way . The troll came out of the restroom there . Professor Snape found us and tried to help , " Harry answered . " Potter used the hover charm and the club fell on the troll 's head . I told them to stay where they were hoping the troll would turn and come after me . It didn 't . It advanced on the kids . " Snape told the others " Ten points to Gryffindor each for sheer dumb luck . Next time wait on the stairs . Go on back to your rooms . " McGonagall smiled at them and they skirted around the prone from of the troll and nearly ran back to their dorms . Percy was waiting on them . " We ran into the troll . Harry saved us , " Ron said in a rush but Percy didn 't seem interested and left . Ron recounted the whole adventure for the rest of the Gryffindors many times over the course of the night , while Harry and Hermione worked on their homework . November and the first half of December flew by . Harry got more adventurous and found a three headed dog in a corridor that the students had been forbidden to go one . When he told Ron and Hermione about it , both of them were surprised " It was guarding something . There was a trap door underneath it . " Harry had told them and when Harry had told Hagrid about the three headed dog , Hagrid let slip that its name was Fluffy and it used to be his . Harry inquired about vault that he had been seen getting into just a day before it was broken into by thieves in Gringotts and Hagrid told him to leave it alone . Hermione figured that whatever had been in that vault now resided underneath of Fluffy . Harry was to spend the Christmas holidays in the castle . His father felt safer with him at the castle . They exchanged letters weekly . When he had received his first letter , Ron found the writing odd but Hermione had recognized it quickly as being typed on a type writer . They had spent the better part of the next two hours , describing to Ron exactly what a type writer was . Christmas day dawned with snow and a mountain of presents . Harry opened up all of his presents . There was one from Mrs . Weasley . It was a sweater , a large emerald green sweater . Hagrid 's present was a flute that he had carved himself that sounded like an owl . There was a parcel that Harry didn 't know who it was from . He opened it and found a note . Ron gasped at it . " Is that what I think it is ? " Ron asked . Harry pulled the cloak out of the parcel and wrapped it around himself . He looked down . He couldn 't see his body . Ron picked up the note and read it . Ron shrugged his shoulders and set about opening the rest of his presents . Harry had several from his father . Most were new books . As a child he had read lots of books . Every occasion that warranted a gift meant that Harry got quite a few books . This year he got a book for each of the classes that he was taking . There was no other gifts for him . He was disappointed . Usually his father got him books as well as some small gift that was fun . This time there wasn 't . Of course , this year much more money had been spent on him than normal . " So Harry , got a sweater of your own , huh ? " Fred asked as he entered the room . Harry laughed because he was wearing a sweater that had a giant G stitched onto it . George was right behind him with a sweater that had a F on it . Harry laughed out loud . Even though he was used to wizard presents and toys at holidays , the Christmas dinner with the students and teachers of Hogwarts was still a giant surprise to him . He had quite a few party favors that he carried back to his room that night . Even after stuffing himself full of turkey and other goodies , Harry still had a hard time getting to sleep . He kept wondering who had sent him the cloak . He itched to try it out . He wondered what the castle was like at night . What the ghosts did , whether the teachers patrolled all night long . He knew that if he got caught , his father would know . Somehow there was a person in this castle that told his father everything . If Harry skipped a class , he knew . Harry was tempted to go to the library but he knew that the restricted books would alert Filch to someone being out of bed . There was one book that Harry wanted to look at and the rush of looking at it and Filch not seeing him was too much . Harry made his way slowly to the library . The book itself was easy to find and Harry quickly found what he was looking for . He read what he wanted while the book screamed and alerted the adults to his presence . Harry dropped the book and waited to hear Filch . When he heard the footsteps , he went the other way . He ran out of library to find Snape in the corridor . Filch also joined them outside . Harry stayed where he was . He knew that his footsteps could be heard and so could his breathing . When they started to move to where he was , Harry backed up into an open doorway . When they passed , Harry turned around to look around the room . What he found inside was a wonderful looking mirror . It was as tall as the room was . As Harry neared the mirror he could see nothing , at least not until he was standing directly in front of it . What he surprised him was big group of people . On either side of him was his mother and father . The rest he assumed was the rest of the Potter and Evans family . There was one other face that Harry knew in the mirror . Standing directly behind Harry was his dad . Harry figured that he had been out of bed long enough and didn 't want to be caught . As Harry laid down in his bed he decided that he would tell no one of the Mirror . Harry had a distrust of things like that . The match between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor with Snape as a referee went without any incident . After the game , Harry looked around for Snape wanting to see the look on his face and gloat . He found Snape heading at a run towards the Forbidden Forest . Harry followed . " The sorcerer 's stone ? Harry do you know what that is ? " Hermione asked . Harry and Ron both shook their heads in the negative . " The stone will transform any metal into pure gold . It also produces the Elixir of Life , which will make the drinker immortal . I don 't know why Snape would want it though . " " So the stone is safe as long as Quirrell stand up to Snape ? " Ron asked . Hermione nodded . " It 'll be gone by next Tuesday . " The summer vacation came quickly . Studying for finals and Quidditch practices gave Harry very little time to do anything else . Hermione tried to get Ron to study more but Harry had given it up as a lost cause . He figured that a week or two before the actual finals , Ron would buckle down and try to study more . Hagrid had hatched a dragon egg and named him Norbert . Harry , Hermione , Neville , and the same Slytherin , Theodore Nott who had tried to break Neville 's Remembrall got caught outside of the Common Rooms after curfew and received detentions . They were to serve the detention with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest . Nott of course , acted scared and tried to get out of it . Neville was scared out of his mind , Hermione wasn 't as scared , and Harry was on the fence . He knew what creatures were in the forest . Hagrid may not think that they were very dangerous but Harry knew better . Hagrid led them to the very edge of the forest . Holding his lamp up high , he pointed down a narrow , winding earth track that disappeared into the thick black trees . A light breeze lifted their hair as they looked into the forest . " Look there , " said Hagrid , " see that stuff shinin ' on the ground ? Silvery stuff ? That 's unicorn blood . There 's a unicorn in there bin hurt badly by summat . This is the second time in a week . I found one dead last Wednesday . We 're gonna try an ' find the poor thing . We might have ' ter put it out of its misery . " " There 's nothin ' that lives in the forest that 'll hurt yeh if yer with me or Fang . An ' keep ter the path . Right , now , we 're gonna split inter two parties an ' follow the trail in diff ' rent directions . There 's blood all over the place , it must 've bin staggerin ' around since last night at least . " " He 's a coward . So me , Harry , an ' Hermione 'll go one way an ' Theodore , Neville , an ' Fang 'll go the other . Now , if any of us finds the unicorn , we 'll send up green sparks , right ? Get yer wands out an ' practice now - that 's it - an ' if anyone gets in trouble , send up red sparks , an ' we 'll all come an ' find yeh - so , be careful - let 's go . They walked a while talking about what could be killing the animals . Harry seeing something pulled Hermione behind a tree . Hagrid notched an arrow in his crossbow and listened . There was a noise that sounded like a cloak trailing behind someone across the leaves . The sound disappeared after a few seconds . Hagrid kept quiet and motioned for them to follow the sound . What they ran across though was not what was hurting the unicorns . It was a Centaur named Ronan . Another Centaur joined them , named Bane , who gave them little information . They talked for a few minutes before Ronan left them more confused than they started . Hermione was the one who noticed the red sparks that went up . Hagrid told them to wait where they were while he went to help the others . Harry and Hermione waited with baited breath for noise of the others return . When they did Hagrid changed the groups . Neville and Hermione went with Hagrid and Harry , Nott , and Fang went on their own . A short while later they came across a dead Unicorn . But before they could start off to look at the poor creature , a hooded thing stalked out of the edge of the woods and went to the dead Unicorn and started drinking its blood . Nott screamed and he and Fang took off running . The creature turned to look at Harry and a searing pain shot through Harry 's scar . Harry staggered backwards , hearing hooves behind him . As he fell to his knees he saw a Centaur land in front of him . The creature was gone . " Are you all right ? " Asked the centaur but Harry wasn 't able to answer . His head hurt so bad that he could barely understand anything . He didn 't remember much after that except that the other Centaurs that joined them seemed to be angry . Finally , when Harry was able to think straight , he saw a centaur that they had talked to earlier coming closer to him , away from the rest of the centaurs . " I am Firenze . That is because it is a monstrous thing , to slay a unicorn , " said Firenze . " Only one who has nothing to lose , and everything to gain , would commit such a crime . The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive , even if you are an inch from death , but at a terrible price . You have slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself , and you will have but a half - life , a cursed life , from the moment the blood touches your lips . " Harry stared at the back of Firenze 's head , which was dappled silver in the moonlight . Hermione 's yelling cut Harry off . Firenze left Harry in Hagrid 's capable hands . Harry didn 't hear any of what Firenze said to Hagrid but he assumed it was where to find the body . Back there he saw proof that Voldemort was alive . His father had promised him long ago that he would protect Harry from Voldemort . Yet , here Voldemort was living outside the school Harry had been at for months . Harry barely remembered finals . He passed them all with near perfects , even though he was expecting to have Voldemort jump out of every nook and corner to kill him . Harry passed his practical exams , he knew that he did but that didn 't help . He knew that the Stone was safe as long as Dumbledore stayed in the school and he also knew that he was forgetting something but Hermione kept trying to make him believe that it was just exams . She spouted story after story about forgetting they were done with them . Harry jumped up and ran away from his friends . They followed him all the way down to Hagrid 's . Hagrid told them the story of how exactly Hagrid got a hold of the Dragon egg . They didn 't speak until they got back up to the school . " We 've got to go to Dumbledore . Hagrid told that stranger how to get past Fluffy , and it was either Snape or Voldemort under that cloak - it must 've been easy , once he 'd got Hagrid drunk . I just hope Dumbledore believes us . Firenze might back us up if Bane doesn 't stop him . Where 's Dumbledore 's office ? " What they didn 't count on was Neville . Neville tried to stop them because he didn 't want them getting in trouble and making the house lose any more points . Hermione ended up using Petrificus Totalus on him to get by him . They made their way to the door with Fluffy behind it only getting stopped by Peeves and making him think that they were the Bloody Baron . After opening the door they found that Voldemort had already been there . They made their way past Fluffy and the Devil 's Snare , thanks to Hermione . Next was the room full of flying keys . They lost Ron at the chessboard and Hermione was gone in the room with the potions . Of course , the troll had already been taken out by Voldemort . When Harry stepped into the room it was not Voldemort standing there but Quirrell . The battle that ensued Harry would remember for the rest of his life . Voldemort was indeed in Quirrell 's body . Voldemort though could not touch him . In fact , when Harry touched Quirrell it burnt through his body and released him from Voldemort . The Stone was safe in Harry 's pocket through out the whole thing . Harry woke up in the hospital wing with Dumbledore and they had a long chat about everything . Harry found out why Quirrell couldn 't touch him . It was due to his mother 's love . He also found out who had sent him the cloak . Dumbledore himself . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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Authors Note : This story takes place right after the episode of Smallville called , Exodus . It was the last episode of the second season . For anyone who doesn 't know , Smallville is a TV show about Superman as a teenager living in a small town with his adoptive parents . I think Clark is supposed to be 16 or 17 . Written - May 29 , 2003 Disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters , and I am not making any money from these stories . Warning : Non consensual disciplinary spanking of a teen by a parent . In the season finale Clark starts hearing the voice of his biological father , Jor - El coming out of the space ship his family keeps hidden in the storm cellar . The voice tells him he will have to leave his parents and girlfriend , Lana , or he will end up hurting them . He tells his parents , and they tell him he can choose his own destiny , and that they believe in him . The next night he hears the voice again and it tells him he has to leave Smallville by noon the next day , or the voice will make him . Then it burns a symbol on Clark 's chest . Clark doesn 't tell his parents about this . The next day is Lex 's wedding where Clark is supposed to be the best man and have Lana as a date . He tells his parents to go ahead to the wedding without him . He says he will arrive with Lana . His dad asks if everything is okay , and if he has heard any more voices . Clark lies and says he is fine , and has heard nothing . His parents head to the wedding . Clark gets his friend Pete , and tells Pete he is going to ruin the space ship before noon , so that he can be free from its power . He figures that since Kryptonite hurts him , it can also hurt the space ship . He needs Pete to help him distract Lionel Luther while he steels a Kryptonite disk / key for the ship . Pete distracts Lionel and Clark gets the key ( it is in some kind of metal box so he can carry it ) . Clark takes the key back to the farm where Lana is waiting for him . He sends her to the wedding without him . She is worried , but leaves . When she gets to the wedding , and Clark 's parents see her without Clark they decide to rush back to the farm to see what is wrong . As his parents are driving back , Clark puts the key in the space ship ( he touches the Kryptonite key , and his hand gets all green with veins , and he barely has the strength to put it in the slot ) . It explodes and sends a shock wave for miles around . His parents drive through the shock wave and their truck crashes and turns over . Clark wasn 't harmed in the explosion , so he gets up and sees that the ship is gone along with the stoMore Authors Notes ( I do go on don 't I ? ) Oh yeah , and Lex gets married to Helen , and then gets on his private plane . Then he is asleep and when he wakes up the plane is empty and crashing into a body of water . I 'm just going to leave that out of my story because it makes me mad . I mean really , can 't Lex be happy for one season ? I know ; then he can 't turn evil , but I feel sorry for him . So this is my take on what should have happened . During the past three weeks , Clark had been going from town to town looking for people to follow him . He usually went to the bars first , and challenged the biggest guy to an arm wrestling match . Then Clark would say something like , ' If you win , I 'll give you fifty bucks , but if I win you have to ride to the next town with me . ' In most towns this ended with a large bar fight , which often destroyed the bar , but it also ended with more than one person following Clark to the next town . After a person had ridden with him for a day , Clark would tell that person about his plan to rule the world , and that the people he picked up first along the way would be helping him to rule . Generally because of the people he chose , and because of his strength , the people believed him and were soon true followers . By the end of three weeks he had gathered over 300 followers . It had taken three weeks for Jonathan and Pete to find Clark . It wasn 't hard to follow the news reports from each town , but it was hard to get to the town before Clark left . But in the last town he was in , Clark had told everyone in the bar where he would be going next , and the ones that didn 't go with him had told Jonathan where he was headed . Once they were checked in Jonathan called Martha for his daily update . Martha had wanted to go with them , but she wasn 't in good shape mentally or physically after loosing the baby . And someone needed to say home and take care of the farm . Jonathan said , " We found him . " " I 'm fine . Don 't you worry about me . Just get Clark back . Everything will be okay again as soon as he 's home with us where he belongs . " Pete called his parents and talked for a while . Pete 's parents thought Pete was helping Jonathan and Clark buy some new cows and farm equipment . Jonathan listened with half an ear as Pete talked to his folks . Jonathan shook his head and thought , ' I hate that I 'm making Pete to lie to his parents . ' He thought again that things could have been different if he had been calmer at the hospital with Clark . He had been angry , and he had said some things that regretted . He thought , ' I shouldn 't have shut the door on Clark . I should have made him come in with me . I should have made Clark visit Martha every day , and given him a direction for his guilt . I should have helped him to forgive himself . ' Jonathan had gone over these same thoughts daily since Clark had left , and he had a hard time forgiving himself . But he also knew Clark had made the choice to leave , and to put on the red ring . Clark was old enough to take responsibilities for his actions , and as soon as they got the ring off Clark , Jonathan was going to make sure Clark knew what those responsibilities were . The pizza came and brought Jonathan out of his musing . He and Pete ate and played cards while keeping an eye out the window for people going into and out of the bar . About four hours later Pete said , " There he is . " Jonathan looked out the window and saw his son coming out of the bar . He said , " Get down Pete . I don 't want him to notice us . " Jonathan got behind the curtain and watched through a small hole he had made . He couldn 't believe it when Clark came towards them . He said , " He 's coming this way . He might have already seen us . Try to get the box from off the bed without standing up . " Pete crawled on the floor towards the bed , but then Jonathan said , " It looks like he went into the office . Maybe he hasn 't seen us . Maybe he 's getting a room for the night . " Four hours later Jonathan and Pete were standing outside the door they had seen Clark go in . Pete was carrying a small lead lined box that had a medium sized piece of meteor rock in it . He was also carrying a hammer . Jonathan was carrying a couple of small tools that he hoped he could pick the lock with . Jonathan was about to put the thin piece of metal into the lock when a thought occurred to him . He looked at Pete , and tried to open the door . As he suspected it wasn 't even locked . They went in , and saw Clark sleeping on the bed . His hand was on top of the covers , and the red ring was reflecting the street lamp out the window . Jonathan closed the door and locked it . Then he made sure Pete was in the right position , and closed the drapes . As soon as the drapes were closed , Pete opened the box . The Kryptonite had a soft green glow , and Clark immediately started groaning in his sleep . Jonathan turned on the light and took the hammer . Clark opened his eyes to see his father bringing down the hammer on his hand . He tried to move fast , but felt the green Kryptonite 's effects , and he couldn 't make himself move at all , let alone move fast . As the ring shattered Pete stepped back from the bed a couple of steps . He watched as Clark moaned on the bed , and took another step back . Soon Clark just looked winded and weak instead of looking like he was on his deathbed with a green tint and dark veins . Jonathan picked up as many of the red Kryptonite fragments as he could find , and flushed them down the toilet . He took the ring off Clark 's hand and nodded to Pete . Pete closed the box and Clark looked immediate better . Clark was confused and said , " Dad ? Pete ? " Jonathan sat down on the bed and put a hand on Clark 's shoulder . He said , " Now you listen to me Clark Kent . I know you have been blaming yourself for your mom losing the baby , but you 're wrong . It was an accident . You thought we were going to be at the wedding . Now I 'm not condoning what you did , and we will be talking about that when we get home , but your mother loosing the baby was an accident . " " How can you say that ? It was my fault . If I hadn 't destroyed the ship , Mom would still be pregnant . She must hate me . " Jonathan said , " You won 't be able to keep us safe all the time Clark , and as your parents we 're supposed to keep you safe , not the other way around . You can 't burden yourself with our safety . Just because you 're stronger than everyone else doesn 't mean that you are omnipotent . " Clark looked his dad in the eye and said , " I miss you and Mom . I miss Lana , Pete , Chloe , and Lex too , but I can 't take the chance that I will hurt any of you . " Jonathan looked sternly at his son and said , " You owe it to your mother to go home and at least talk to her about what happened . You also owe it to us to help us fix up the farm . Then when that 's done , we 'll see about you staying or leaving . " At the mention of his follower 's Clark got very red . Jonathan said , " Come on and get your stuff together . We have a rented truck out side of door two . Pete go pack up our stuff and put it in the truck while I help Clark pack okay ? " Clark got up and started to gather his few belongings , and over heard his father talking . Jonathan said , " We got him , and we 're on our way home . Martha , are you there ? Don 't cry honey , we 'll be home soon . I love you too . Bye . " He turned to Clark and said , " Your mother is very happy you 're coming home . " They loaded stuff into the truck , and Clark put the motorcycle in the back of the truck . They rode to the airport , and turned in the rental car . While they were there , Jonathan paid to have someone drive the motorcycle back to Smallville . Once that was taken care of , they got the first available flight to Metropolis , which was leaving in two hours . The three of them got a late night / early morning snack at the deli in the airport while they waited for their flight . Jonathan and Pete slept on the plane ride home , while Clark looked out the window and worried . Jonathan 's truck was still parked in the long term parking area , so they made it to Pete 's house by mid morning . Jonathan got out and talked to Pete 's parents for a few minutes . He told them Pete had been a great help to him , and that things had gone well . The ride back to the Kent farm was uncomfortably quiet . Clark hadn 't heard the voice yet today , and he was very worried about what the voice would say and do when it learned that Clark was back home . Soon they were home , and Martha ran out to the truck to meet them . Clark got out of the truck and hugged his mom . He said , " I 'm so sorry about the baby Mom . " They all went into the living room and sat down . Martha brought out cookies and lemonade for everyone , but no one had any . After a few moments of silence Jonathan said , " While you were traveling , did you tell anyone the truth about yourself ? " " He tells me where to go next , and what to do when I get there . He has told me the master plan . I am supposed to get about 500 followers , and then set up a base for a couple of months so I can build up money and followers . Then when he says the time is right I am to take over America , and eventually the rest of the world . " Clark opened his shirt . His mother took a sharp breath in at the site of Clark 's scar . Jonathan said , " Clark , have you ever x - rayed yourself ? " Clark looked down and soon saw the small piece of metal imbedded in his skin . He said , " Your right ! There is a piece of metal stuck under my skin . Do you think that is how he 's talking to me ? " Jonathan said , " The only time I ever saw a needle go through you was when you were sick . I wonder if we had your mom hold a meteor rock close to you , if your skin would be weak enough for me to cut . Then I could get the metal piece out . " Clark nodded while Martha shook her head . Martha said , " But Jonathan , that is so risky . We don 't know if extended exposure to the meteor rock builds up in his system . " Clark said , " If we can 't get the metal out of me , I can 't stay here . I 'll end up hurting you both . We have to try to get it out . Please mom . " Jonathan went to get the box with the Kryptonite , while Martha went to the kitchen and got a knife and a pair of tweezers . She cleaned them both with rubbing alcohol and brought them out . Clark had gotten a towel from the drawer , and taken off his shirt . Jonathan said , " Okay Martha , I want you to stand behind the couch and open the box . It 's probably better if you don 't watch . " Clark pointed to a spot right over his heart , and Jonathan nodded . Martha opened the box , and Clark immediately felt sick . Jonathan put a hand on Clark 's shoulder and said , " I 'm sorry I don 't have any thing to numb the pain , but it should go away as soon as I 'm done . Keep your hands on the carpet . " Clark groaned , nodded , and grabbed the throw rug in a death grip . Jonathan took the knife , and found it easy to cut Clark 's skin . He tried not to let Clark 's small scream distract him as he fished around for the metal piece . He got a hold of it with the tweezers and pulled it out . He said , " Close the box . " Martha closed it and turned around . They both watched as Clark 's skin healed before their eyes . Not only did the knife wound clear up , but the scar from the ship also healed itself . Jonathan held up the small metal piece and said , " The scar must have been an elaborate way to hide this . " Clark said , " We need to destroy that too . " Once they were in the hole Jonathan said , " Kryptonite destroyed the ship , so it should destroy this piece too . I 'll drop the metal piece in the box , and close the lid . Then you can get us out of here before it explodes " Clark stood on the opposite side while Jonathan dropped the small metal piece into the box with the Kryptonite . As soon as the lid was closed Clark went and got his father . He carried him as fast as he could out of the hole . They were back to the house before Jonathan realized any time had passed . They waited for a few seconds until they heard a small popping sound . Jonathan turned to Clark and said , " That 's it ? " Jonathan nodded , and Clark climbed down and opened the box . He didn 't see the metal piece , but the Kryptonite was still there , so he closed the lid quickly . Jonathan said , " Let me see . " Clark handed the box to Jonathan , and climbed out of the cellar . Jonathan opened the box and took out the Kryptonite . The metal piece was gone . He put the Kryptonite back in the box and said , " Well that was easy . Let 's go back in . " " First of all , you lied to your mother and me about hearing the voice . You decide to destroy the space ship without consulting us , because you thought we wouldn 't agree with you . Then you stole a key from Lionel Luther , and used Pete to help you . You and Pete are lucky that he didn 't get into more trouble for that stunt by the way . Next you skipped your friends wedding where you were supposed to be the best man . How do you think it made Lex feel when you didn 't even show up ? " " I would think that would be an even more important reason to show up , and support your friend when he needed you . Then you put the key in the space ship . I hope you realize that touching the Kriptonite key could have killed you , and that the explosion from the ship when you were already weak might have killed you too . " " If you had talked to us son , we might have come up with a better way to do it together , a way that would not have been so dangerous . After you destroyed the ship , and got your mother and me to the hospital , you decided that you needed to leave town . But what I see as the biggest mistake of them all , was your decision to get a red Kriptonite ring to make yourself feel better . So you stole the ring from your good friend Chloe . I don 't know why you have this idea that stealing is okay now , but that is going to change . " Jonathan paused , but Clark didn 't say anything . Jonathan continued with , " I don 't blame you for the things you did while you had the red ring on , but I do expect you to acknowledge the fact that those things wouldn 't have happened if you hadn 't put the ring on in the first place . " Clark did feel very guilty about the things he had done in the past three weeks , and he nodded his head and said , " Yes sir . " Jonathan looked at Martha and said , " Okay , I think your mother and I need to talk alone for a few minutes about your punishment . I want you to go to your room . You can try to get some rest since you didn 't sleep much last night . Then after we have lunch we 'll talk about what you 're going to be doing to make up for what you 've done . " " I know that if I had screwed up as badly as Clark did , my father would have spanked me . I also know that Clark left because he felt extremely guilty for what he had done . Now add on the three weeks of doing even worse things because of the red ring , and he has to be wallowing in guilt . It would help him to feel like he had paid for his mistakes . But even with that aside , I think he has been too cocky for his own good for the past few months . Lately he has been doing whatever he thinks is best whether we think it 's a good idea or not . He doesn 't consult us , or tell us where he 's going , or what he 's doing anymore ; he just does what he wants . Now most of the time I agree with his actions , but not always . He needs to have a little more control , and sometimes he needs to think more before he acts . Like the time he threw that boy who was bugging Lana against the car . I know that he needed to protect Lana , but tossing the boy was not the right thing to do , and it got him into trouble with that policewoman . Maybe if he knew he could be spanked when he made really big mistakes , he would think things through a little more often . " " Martha , you 'll have to trust me here . It won 't make Clark want to leave . In fact it will make him want to stay with us even more , and it will make him feel less guilty about the things he has done . " Clark nodded . Jonathan continued , " You will help me rebuild the cellar during the month you 're grounded . You will carefully write a thousand times ' I will not lie to my parents . ' You will apologize to Lex for missing his wedding , and ask him how you can make it up to him . You will tell Lex and Helen that you 're volunteering at the hospital Helen works at during the month you 're grounded . You will apologize to Chloe and you will buy her a new class ring . Then you will volunteer to help her with the torch for a month after your done volunteering at the hospital . Because you stole from Lionel , Chloe , and me , you will write ' I will not steal ' one thousand times . " Clark was starting to feel nauseous . He knew that he had screwed up , and he knew that he deserved to be punished , but as the list of punishments got longer , he realized that three weeks ago he had made the biggest mistakes of his life . He also realized that his father was not going to let him just forget about them , or push them under the rug . Jonathan continued , " You will help me give the bike you stole from me a tune up once it gets here , and you will pay for new tires for it . You will apologize to Pete for using him to get the Kryptonite key . I have already told him , that if he goes along with you when you come up with another plan like that , that I will be talking to his parents . He already knows that he will be helping us to rebuild the cellar , since he helped destroy it . You should ask him what you can do to make it up to him , but I doubt Pete will make you do anything . You 're really lucky to have a friend like him . " Jonathan nodded to Martha , and she went to pick up the box with the Kryptonite and opened it . Clark felt a little weak , but she wasn 't close enough for him to feel really sick . Clark was scared and said , " What are you going to do ? " Martha took a few steps closer , and Clark fell back down to the couch feeling quite ill . Jonathan waved her back to the door , and Clark felt just weak again . Jonathan said , " It is going to happen Clark . You need to accept that sometimes I know what is best for you whether you like it or not . " Jonathan looked Clark in the eyes and said , " I can , and I 'm going to . Take down your pants , or I will take them down for you . " Clark found himself fumbling with the zipper of his jeans . Then stopped and looked at his mom . He gave her a pleading look , and she gave him a slight nod and turned around so she couldn 't see them . Clark stood up to push his pants down , and watched as his father stood up and took his belt off and doubled it over in his hand . Clark looked like he was about to cry and shook his head no . Jonathan took Clark 's upper arm , and pulled Clark down over his lap as he sat back down on the couch . Jonathan pulled Clark 's briefs down to mid thigh , and brought the belt down on Clark 's butt with a solid whack . Clark made no noise , and there was no red spot where the belt had connected , so Jonathan said , " Take a step towards us Martha . " She stepped backwards and Jonathan brought the belt down again . This time Clark 's body jumped a little at the impact , and there was a faint red line on his butt where the belt had struck him . Jonathan said , " Half a step more Martha . " He began to spank Clark methodically . Laying the stripes one right above , and slightly overlapping the previous spot until he got to the top of Clark 's butt . Then starting to head down until he got to Clark 's upper thighs . By the time he got down to Clark 's thighs , Clark was yelping with each whack . Jonathan started the belt back up Clark 's butt and said , " You will never purposely put on a red ring again . " Whack , Whack , Whack . " You will not run away from us . " Whack , Whack , Whack . " You will not lie to us . " Whack , Whack , Whack . " We love you , and we will not sit by and watch you hurt yourself . " Whack , Whack , Whack . Clark was now crying and said , " I 'm sorry ! Dad , I 'm so sorry . " Jonathan had gotten to Clark 's thighs for the second time , and gave Clark four harder whacks moving back up . Then he stopped , and set the belt down on the couch beside him . He rubbed Clark 's back for a few seconds while Clark cried . He looked over to Martha and could tell she was crying too . He pulled up Clark 's underwear , and said , " Okay son , it 's all over . Your mother and I forgive you . " He helped Clark stand up and Clark pulled his pants up . Jonathan pulled Clark down onto the couch to sit next to him and put an arm around his shoulders . Clark winced as his sore butt hit the couch . He turned into his father 's chest and hugged him while he cried . Jonathan said , " Okay Martha , you can close the box . " As soon as Martha closed the lid Clark 's butt healed , and he no longer hurt , but he still cried into his father 's chest . Martha put the box down and came over to sit on the other side of Clark on the couch . She still had some tears in her eyes , and she put her hand over her husband 's hand on Clark 's back . Clark felt her close to him , and turned to look at her . He saw that she had been crying , and said , " I 'm sorry mom . " That night the tree of them stayed up all night talking . Together they came up with a plan to deal with any of Clark 's followers who might show up . They also stayed together to make sure Clark didn 't hear the voice . To everyone 's relief , Clark didn 't hear the voice that night . Jonathan made it very clear that if Clark ever lied to them again , that he would be spanked again . By morning they were all tired , but happy too . Three weeks later Clark and Pete were working on the cellar together . They had been working for about an hour , and Pete said , " Hey Clark , has Lana completely forgiven you yet ? " " My dad would have spanked me if I pulled a stunt like you did . I mean , he hasn 't spanked me for years , but I know he still would if he thought I needed it . All your dad can do is ground you . " Clark looked at him and said , " You know , after a few days , I actually was glad he did it . It made me feel better . Do you think that 's crazy ? "

Category : Homeschool My first Waldorf Sculpted Art Doll What a fun experience ! This little baby boy is a gift for my son . He 's my first attempt at a Waldorf inspired sculpted art doll . The face is made in a similar way to a more traditional Waldorf doll , but then the face is sculpted using thread and wool felting . Once the skin fabric was sewn on he really came to life ! Given how enjoyable it was to work on this face , I know there will be many more to come Once you get the hang of the pattern , they are very versatile . You could easily be adapt the pattern to make elves , gnomes , simple comfort dolls - anything . You can make them with cotton , wool or any yarn you 'd like . If you use a larger bulky yarn the dolls will be bigger , a thin yarn with small needles will give you a smaller doll . Author SeaPosted on September 16 , 2016June 7 , 2017Categories Art , Blog , DIY , Handwork , Homeschool , Winter ArtTags Angel , Art , Christmas , Crafts , Fairy , Kindergarten , Tutorial , woolLeave a comment on Wool Christmas Angel - Tutorial Aesop 's puppet show These are some lovely examples of how to turn fables into simple puppet shows . Leonard Gerwick also has a nice way of making the children laugh by playing with the animals as he tells the stories . Author SeaPosted on September 13 , 2016September 14 , 2016Categories Homeschool , Puppet ShowTags 1st grade , 3 year old , 4 year old , 4 - 5 year old , 5 year olds , 5 - 6 year old , Aesop Fable , fables , kids , videoLeave a comment on Aesop 's puppet show The Fox and the Grapes The Fox and the Grapes " That 's a charming flower , " said the woman , and gave it a kiss on its pretty red and yellow petals . But just as she kissed it the flower gave a loud crack and opened . You could see it was a real tulip , only right in the middle of it , on the green stool that is there , sat a tiny little girl , as delicate and pretty as could be . She was only a thumb - joint long , so she was called Thumbelina . She was given a splendid lacquered walnut shell for a cradle , blue violet leaves for mattresses , and a rose - leaf for a counterpane . There she slept at night , but in the daytime she played about on the table , where the woman had put a plate , round which she put a whole wreath of flowers with their stalks in the water ; and on the water floated a large tulip - leaf on which Thumbelina could sit and sail from one side of the plate to the other . She had two white horse - hairs to row with . It was really beautiful to see her ; she could sing too - oh , so delicately and prettily as no one had ever heard . " That would make a lovely wife for my son , " said the Toad ; so she took hold of the walnut - shell where Thumbelina slept and hopped off with her through the window and down into the garden . Through it flowed a big broad stream , but just at the edge it was marshy and muddy , and there the Toad lived with her son . Ugh ! he was ugly and horrid too , just like his mother . " Koäx , koäx , brekke - ke - kex , " was all he could say when he saw the pretty little girl in the walnut - shell . " Don 't talk so loud , you 'll wake her , " said the old Toad , " and she might run away from us now , for she 's as light as a swansdown feather . We 'll put her out in the river on one of the broad water - lily leaves . It 'll be like an island for her , she 's so little and light . She can run about there while we get the drawing - room under the mud ready for you two to make your home in . " There were a great many water - lilies growing out in the stream , with broad green leaves that looked as if they were floating on the water ; and the leaf that was furthest out was also the biggest of all . To this leaf the old Toad swam out and put the walnut - shell with Thumbelina on it . The poor little wretch woke up very early in the morning , and when she saw where she was , she began to cry - oh , so bitterly ! - for there was water all round the big leaf and she couldn 't possibly get to land . The old Toad stayed down in the mud and set about decorating her room with rushes and yellow water - lily buds , so as to make it nice and neat for her new daughter - in - law ; and then she swam out with her ugly son to the leaf where Thumbelina stood ; they were going to fetch her pretty bed and put it up in the bridal chamber before she came there herself . The old Toad curtsied low in the water before her and said : " I present my son to you . He is going to be your husband , and you will have a delightful life with him down in the mud . " So they took the beautiful little bed and swam off with it while Thumbelina sat all alone on the green leaf crying , for she didn 't want to live with the horrid Toad or have her ugly son for a husband . The little fishes , swimming beneath in the water , had seen the Toad and heard what she said , so they put their heads up ; they wanted to see the little girl . But as soon as they saw her , they thought her so pretty that it grieved them very much to think that she had to go down to the ugly Toad . No , that could never be . So they swarmed together down in the water , all round the green stalk that held the leaf she was on , and gnawed it through with their teeth ; so the leaf went floating down the stream , and bore Thumbelina far , far away , where the Toad could not go . Thumbelina sailed past many places , and the little birds in the bushes saw her and sang , " What a pretty little maid ! " The leaf floated further and further away with her , and thus it was that Thumbelina went on her travels . A beautiful little white butterfly kept flying round her , and at last settled on the leaf , for it took a fancy to Thumbelina , and she was very happy , for now the Toad could not get at her , and everything was beautiful where she was sailing : the sun shone on the water and made it glitter like gold . She took her sash and tied one end of it to the butterfly , and the other end she fastened to the leaf , and it went along much faster with her , for of course she was standing on the leaf . Just then a large Cockchafer came flying by and caught sight of her , and in an instant he had grasped her slender body in his claws , and flew up into a tree with her . But the green leaf went floating downstream and the butterfly with it , for he was tied to the leaf and could not get loose . Goodness ! how frightened poor Thumbelina was when the Cockchafer flew up into the tree with her . But she was most of all grieved for the pretty white butterfly which she had tied to the leaf , for unless it got loose it would be starved to death . However , the Cockchafer cared nothing about that . He alighted with her on the largest green leaf on the tree , and gave her honey out of the flowers to eat , and told her she was very pretty , though she wasn 't in the least like a Cockchafer . Later on all the other Cockchafers that lived in the tree came and paid calls . They looked at Thumbelina , and the young lady Cockchafers brushed their feelers and said : " Why , she 's only got two legs ! a wretched sight ! " " She 's got no feelers , " they said . " She 's quite thin in the waist . Dreadful ! She looks just like a human being ! How ugly she is ! " said all the lady Cockchafers ; yet Thumbelina was as pretty as could be , and so thought the Cockchafer who had carried her off ; but when all the rest said she was horrid , he came to think so too at last , and wouldn 't have anything to do with her , she could go wherever she chose . They flew down from the tree with her and put her on a daisy , and there she sat and cried because she was so ugly that the Cockchafers wouldn 't keep her - and yet she was the prettiest thing you could imagine , and delicate and bright like the loveliest rose - leaf . All the summer through poor Thumbelina lived quite alone in the big wood . She plaited herself a bed of green stalks and hung it up under a large dock leaf so as to be out of the rain . She picked the honey out of the flowers and ate it , and she drank the dew which lay every morning on the leaves . There she spent the summer and the autumn ; but then came winter , the long cold winter . All the birds that had sung so prettily to her , flew their way ; the trees and flowers withered , and the big dock - leaf under which she had lived rolled up and turned to nothing but a yellow dry stalk , and she was terribly cold , for her clothes were in rags , and Just outside the wood where she was now , lay a large cornfield , but the corn had long been off it , and only the bare dry stubble stuck out of the frozen ground . This was like a whole forest for her to get through , and oh ! how she did shiver with cold ! At last she came to a Fieldmouse 's door , which was a little hole down among the stubble . There the Fieldmouse lived snug and happy , with a whole room full of corn , a lovely kitchen and dining - room . Poor Thumbelina went up to the door just like any little beggar girl , and asked for a little bit of barleycorn , for she hadn 't had anything whatever to eat for two days . " Poor little thing , " said the Fieldmouse , who was at heart a kind old fieldmouse , " you come into my warm room and have dinner with me . " And as she had taken a liking to Thumbelina she said : " You can stay the winter with me and welcome , only you 'll have to keep my room nice and clean and tell me stories , for I 'm very fond of them . " And Thumbelina did as the kind old Fieldmouse asked , and had a very pleasant time of it . " We shall soon be having a visitor , " said the Fieldmouse . " My neighbour calls on me every weekday ; he 's even better housed than I am ; his rooms are big , and he goes about in such a beautiful black velvet coat ! Ah , if only you could get him for a husband ! You would be well set up . But he can 't see . Mind and tell him the very prettiest stories you know ! " But Thumbelina didn 't care much about this - she didn 't want to marry the neighbour , for he was a Mole . He came and paid a call in his black velvet coat . He was very well off and very learned , the Fieldmouse said : " His mansion was more than twenty times the size of hers , and he was very well informed " ; but he didn 't like the sun and the pretty flowers , and abused them , for he had never seen them . Thumbelina had to sing , and she sang both " Cockchafer , Cockchafer fly away home " and also " The monk walked in the meadow " , and the Mole fell in love with her for her pretty voice ; but said nothing about it , for he was a very cautious man . The Mole took a bit of touchwood in his mouth ( for that shines like fire in the dark ) and went in front and lighted them along through the long dark passage , and when they got to where the dead bird lay , the Mole pushed his broad back against the ceiling and lifted the earth so that there was a big hole which let in the light : in the middle of this floor lay a dead swallow with its pretty wings close against its sides and its legs and head down in among its feathers : the poor bird had certainly died of cold . Thumbelina was very sorry for it ; she was fond of all the little birds that had sung and twittered so prettily to her all the summer long ; but the Mole kicked it with his short leg and said : " He won 't be squeaking any more ! It must be wretched to be born a little bird ! Thank God , none of my children will be like that . A bird has nothing but its twit , twit , and is bound to starve to death in winter . " The Mole now stopped up the hole through which the daylight shone in , and saw the ladies home . But that night Thumbelina couldn 't sleep at all , so she got out of bed and plaited a nice large coverlet of hay , and carried it down and spread it about the dead bird , and then she laid some soft cotton wool she had found in the Fieldmouse 's room , on the bird 's sides , so that it might lie warmly on the cold ground . " Farewell , you pretty little bird , " said she ; " farewell , and thank you for your lovely singing in the summer , when all the trees were green and the sun shone so hot on us . " She laid her head against the bird 's heart , and got quite a fright all at once , for it seemed as if something was knocking inside ! It was the bird 's heart . The bird was not dead ; it was only in a swoon , and now that it was warmed , it came to life again . " Oh , " said Thumbelina , " but it 's dreadfully cold outside , snowing and freezing ! You must stay in your warm bed , I 'll nurse you , be sure ! " Then she brought the swallow some water in the leaf of a plant , and it drank , and told her how it had hurt its wing on a thorn bush , and so couldn 't fly as well as the other swallows when they set out to fly , far , far away to the warm countries . At last it had fallen to the ground , but it couldn 't remember any more and didn 't know in the least how it had got to where it was . As soon as spring came and the sun 's warmth got into the ground , the swallow said good - bye to Thumbelina , who opened the hole which the Mole had made above . The sun shone in delightfully , and the swallow asked if Thumbelina would not come with it : she could sit on its back and they would fly away into the greenwood . But Thumbelina knew that it would grieve the old Fieldmouse , if she left her like that . " No , I can 't , " said Thumbelina . " Good - bye , good - bye , you kind pretty maid , " said the swallow , and flew out into the sunshine . Thumbelina stood looking after it , and the water stood in her eyes , for she was very fond of the poor swallow . " This summer you must make your trousseau , " the Fieldmouse told her ; for their neighbour , the tiresome Mole in the black velvet coat , had proposed to her . " You shall have both woollen and linen - something to sit in and to lie on when you are the Mole 's wife . " So Thumbelina had to spin on the distaff , and the Fieldmouse hired four spiders to spin and weave day and night . Every evening the Mole called in , and they always talked about how when summer was over the sun wouldn 't be near as hot : just now it was scorching the ground as hard as a stone : ah yes , when the summer was over Thumbelina should be married . But she wasn 't at all pleased ; she didn 't like the tiresome Mole one bit . Every morning when the sun rose and every evening when it set she stole out to the doorway , and there , when the wind parted the heads of corn , so that she could see the blue sky , she thought how bright and pretty it was outside , and longed to get another sight of the dear swallow : but he never came , he must certainly be flying far away in the beautiful greenwood . By the time autumn came , Thumbelina had all her trousseau ready . " In four weeks ' time you shall be married , " the Fieldmouse told her , but Thumbelina cried and said she wouldn 't marry the tiresome Mole . " Rubbish , " said the Fieldmouse , " don 't be pigheaded or I 'll bite you with my white teeth . It 's a splendid husband you 're getting . The queen herself hasn 't the like of his black velvet coat ; and a full kitchen and cellar he has , too ! Just you thank your Maker for him . " " Farewell ! Farewell ! bright sun , " she said , stretching her arms upwards and stepping a little way outside the Fieldmouse 's house , for now the corn was reaped , and only the dry stubble left . " Farewell ! Farewell ! " she said again , and threw her arms about a little red flower that grew there . " Give my love to the dear swallow for me if ever you see him . " Twit ! Twit ! sounded at that moment above her head . She looked up and there was the swallow just flying by . He was overjoyed when he caught sight of Thumbelina , and she told him how she hated to have the ugly Mole for a husband , and how she must live right down underground where the sun never shone . She couldn 't help crying . " Cold winter is coming , " said the swallow . " I am going to fly far away to the warm countries , will you come with me ? You can sit on my back , only tie yourself tight with your sash , and we 'll fly far away from the ugly Mole and his dark home , far over the mountains to the warm countries where the sun shines fairer than here , and there is always summer and lovely flowers . Do fly away with me , you sweet little Thumbelina , who saved my life when I lay frozen in that dark cellar underground . " At last they got to the warm countries . There the sun shone far brighter than here , the sky seemed twice as high , and on hedges and ditches grew the loveliest clusters of grapes , green and purple . In the woods grew oranges and lemons , there was a scent of myrtle and mint , and in the roads pretty children ran about and played with great gay butterflies . But the swallow flew still further , and the country grew more and more delightful . Under splendid trees , beside a blue lake , stood a shining palace of white marble , built in ancient days , with creepers twining about its tall pillars . At its top were a number of swallows ' nests , one of which was the home of the swallow who was carrying Thumbelina . A great white marble column lay there , which had fallen down and broken into three pieces : between them grew large beautiful white flowers . The swallow flew down with Thumbelina and set her on one of the broad leaves . But what a surprise for her ! A little man was sitting in the middle of the flower , as white and transparent as if he were made of glass , with the prettiest gold crown on his head and the loveliest bright wings on his shoulders , and he was no bigger than Thumbelina . He was the angel of the flower . In each of them there lived such another little man or woman , but this one was the king of them all . " Goodness , how beautiful he is , " Thumbelina whispered to the swallow . The little prince was quite alarmed by the swallow , which was a giant bird to him , tiny and delicate as he was , but when he saw Thumbelina he was delighted , for she was by far the prettiest girl he had ever seen . He took his gold crown off his head and laid it upon hers , asked what her name was , and whether she would be his wife , for then she would become queen of all the flowers . Here indeed was a husband - very different from the Toad 's son or the Mole with his black velvet coat . So she said " Yes " to the handsome prince ; and out of every flower there came a lady or a lord , so pretty that it was a pleasure to see them . Everyone brought Thumbelina a present , but the best of all was a pair of beautiful wings taken from a big white fly . They were fastened to Thumbelina 's back , and then she could fly from flower to flower . There were great rejoicings , and the swallow sat on his nest up there and sang to them as well as ever he could ; but at heart he was sad , for he was very fond of Thumbelina and would have liked never to be parted from her . " You shan 't be called Thumbelina , " the angel of the flower said to her ; " it 's an ugly name , and you are very pretty ; we will call you Maia . " Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . Soon after , she had a daughter , whose hair was black as ebony , while her cheeks were red as blood , and her skin as white as snow ; so she was called Snowdrop . But when the child was born the Queen died . A year after the King took another wife . She was a handsome woman , but proud and overbearing , and could not endure that any one should surpass her in beauty . She had a magic looking - glass , and when she stood before it and looked at herself she used to say , " Mirror , Mirror on the wall , Who is fairest of us all ? " And because of her beauty the Huntsman had pity on her and said , " Well , run away , poor child . " Wild beasts will soon devour you , he thought , but still he felt as though a weight were lifted from his heart because he had not been obliged to kill her . And as just at that moment a young fawn came leaping by , he pierced it and took the lungs and liver as tokens to the Queen . The Cook was ordered to serve them up in pickle , and the wicked Queen ate them thinking that they were Snowdrop 's . Now the poor child was alone in the great wood , with no living soul near , and she was so frightened that she knew not what to do . Then she began to run , and ran over the sharp stones and through the brambles , while the animals passed her by without harming her . She ran as far as her feet could carry her till it was nearly evening , when she saw a little house and went in to rest . Inside , everything was small , but as neat and clean as could be . A small table covered with a white cloth stood ready with seven small plates , and by every plate was a spoon , knife , fork , and cup . Seven little beds were ranged against the walls , covered with snow - white coverlets . As Snowdrop was very hungry and thirsty she ate a little bread and vegetable from each plate , and drank a little wine from each cup , for she did not want to eat up the whole of one portion . Then , being very tired , she lay down in one of the beds . She tried them all but none suited her ; one was too short , another too long , all except the seventh , which was just right . She remained in it , said her prayers , and fell asleep . When it was quite dark the masters of the house came in . They were seven Dwarfs , who used to dig in the mountains for ore . They kindled their lights , and as soon as they could see they noticed that some one had been there , for everything was not in the order in which they had left it . Then the first looked and saw a slight impression on his bed , and said , " Who has been treading on my bed ? " The others came running up and said , " And mine , and mine . " But the seventh , when he looked into his bed , saw Snowdrop , who lay there asleep . He called the others , who came up and cried out with astonishment , as they held their lights and gazed at Snowdrop . " Heavens ! what a beautiful child , " they said , and they were so delighted that they did not wake her up but left her asleep in bed . And the seventh Dwarf slept with his comrades , an hour with each all through the night . In the morning they went to the mountain and searched for copper and gold , and in the evening they came back and then their meal had to be ready . All day the maiden was alone , and the good Dwarfs warned her and said , " Beware of your stepmother , who will soon learn that you are here . Don 't let any one in . " She was dismayed , for she knew that the Glass told no lies , and she saw that the Hunter had deceived her and that Snowdrop still lived . Accordingly she began to wonder afresh how she might compass her death ; for as long as she was not the fairest in the land her jealous heart left her no rest . At last she thought of a plan . She dyed her face and dressed up like an old Pedlar , so that she was quite unrecognizable . In this guise she crossed over the seven mountains to the home of the seven Dwarfs and called out , " Wares for sale . " Not long after the seven Dwarfs came home , and were horror - struck when they saw their dear little Snowdrop lying on the floor without stirring , like one dead . When they saw she was laced too tight they cut the lace , whereupon she began to breathe and soon came back to life again . When the Dwarfs heard what had happened , they said that the old Pedlar was no other than the wicked Queen . " Take care not to let any one in when we are not here , " they said . When she heard it all her blood flew to her heart , so enraged was she , for she knew that Snowdrop had come back to life again . Then she thought to herself , " I must plan something which will put an end to her . " By means of witchcraft , in which she was skilled , she made a poisoned comb . Next she disguised herself and took the form of a different Old Woman . She crossed the mountains and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs , and knocked at the door calling out , " Good wares to sell . " Happily it was near the time when the seven Dwarfs came home . When they saw Snowdrop lying on the ground as though dead , they immediately suspected her stepmother , and searched till they found the poisoned comb . No sooner had they removed it than Snowdrop came to herself again and related what had happened . They warned her again to be on her guard , and to open the door to no one . When she heard the Glass speak these words she trembled and quivered with rage . " Snowdrop shall die , " she said , " even if it cost me my own life . " Thereupon she went into a secret room , which no one ever entered but herself , and made a poisonous apple . Outwardly it was beautiful to look upon , with rosy cheeks , and every one who saw it longed for it , but whoever ate of it was certain to die . When the apple was ready she dyed her face and dressed herself like an old Peasant Woman and so crossed the seven hills to the Dwarfs ' home . There she knocked . " It is all the same to me , " said the Peasant Woman . " I shall soon get rid of my apples . There , I will give you one . " Now the apple was so cunningly painted that the red half alone was poisoned . Snowdrop longed for the apple , and when she saw the Peasant Woman eating she could hold out no longer , stretched out her hand and took the poisoned half . Scarcely had she put a bit into her mouth than she fell dead to the ground . Then her jealous heart was at rest , as much at rest as a jealous heart can be . The Dwarfs , when they came at evening , found Snowdrop lying on the ground and not a breath escaped her lips , and she was quite dead . They lifted her up and looked to see whether any poison was to be found , unlaced her dress , combed her hair , washed her with wine and water , but it was no use ; their dear child was dead . They laid her on a bier , and all seven sat down and bewailed her and lamented over her for three whole days . Then they prepared to bury her , but she looked so fresh and living , and still had such beautiful rosy cheeks , that they said , " We cannot bury her in the dark earth . " And so they had a transparent glass coffin made , so that she could be seen from every side , laid her inside and wrote on it in letters of gold her name and how she was a King 's daughter . Then they set the coffin out on the mountain , and one of them always stayed by and watched it . And the birds came too and mourned for Snowdrop , first an owl , then a raven , and lastly a dove . Now Snowdrop lay a long , long time in her coffin , looking as though she were asleep . It happened that a Prince was wandering in the wood , and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs to pass the night . He saw the coffin on the mountain and lovely Snowdrop inside , and read what was written in golden letters . Then he said to the Dwarfs , " Let me have the coffin ; I will give you whatever you like for it . " The Prince bade his servants carry it on their shoulders . Now it happened that they stumbled over some brushwood , and the shock dislodged the piece of apple from Snowdrop 's throat . In a short time she opened her eyes , lifted the lid of the coffin , sat up and came back to life again completely . Then the wicked woman uttered a curse , and was so terribly frightened that she didn 't know what to do . Yet she had no rest : she felt obliged to go and see the young Queen . And when she came in she recognized Snowdrop , and stood stock still with fear and terror . But iron slippers were heated over the fire , and were soon brought in with tongs and put before her . And she had to step into the red - hot shoes and dance till she fell down dead . Here was once a velveteen rabbit , and in the beginning he was really splendid . He was fat and bunchy , as a rabbit should be ; his coat was spotted brown and white , he had real thread whiskers , and his ears were lined with pink sateen . On Christmas morning , when he sat wedged in the top of the Boy 's stocking , with a sprig of holly between his paws , the effect was charming . For a long time he lived in the toy cupboard or on the nursery floor , and no one thought very much about him . He was naturally shy , and being only made of velveteen , some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him . The mechanical toys were very superior , and looked down upon every one else ; they were full of modern ideas , and pretended they were real . The model boat , who had lived through two seasons and lost most of his paint , caught the tone from them and never missed an opportunity of referring to his rigging in technical terms . The Rabbit could not claim to be a model of anything , for he didn 't know that real rabbits existed ; he thought they were all stuffed with sawdust like himself , and he understood that sawdust was quite out - of - date and should never be mentioned in modern circles . Even Timothy , the jointed wooden lion , who was made by the disabled soldiers , and should have had broader views , put on airs and pretended he was connected with Government . Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace , and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse . The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others . He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath , and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces . He was wise , for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger , and by - and - by break their mainsprings and pass away , and he knew that they were only toys , and would never turn into anything else . For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful , and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it . " Real isn 't how you are made , " said the Skin Horse . " It 's a thing that happens to you . When a child loves you for a long , long time , not just to play with , but REALLY loves you , then you become Real . " " It doesn 't happen all at once , " said the Skin Horse . " You become . It takes a long time . That 's why it doesn 't happen often to people who break easily , or have sharp edges , or who have to be carefully kept . Generally , by the time you are Real , most of your hair has been loved off , and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby . But these things don 't matter at all , because once you are Real you can 't be ugly , except to people who don 't understand . " " I suppose you are real ? " said the Rabbit . And then he wished he had not said it , for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive . But the Skin Horse only smiled . " The Boy 's Uncle made me Real , " he said . " That was a great many years ago ; but once you are Real you can 't become unreal again . It lasts for always . " The Rabbit sighed . He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him . He longed to become Real , to know what it felt like ; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad . He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him . There was a person called Nana who ruled the nursery . Sometimes she took no notice of the playthings lying about , and sometimes , for no reason whatever , she went swooping about like a great wind and hustled them away in cupboards . She called this " tidying up , " and the playthings all hated it , especially the tin ones . The Rabbit didn 't mind it so much , for wherever he was thrown he came down soft . " Here , " she said , " take your old Bunny ! He 'll do to sleep with you ! " And she dragged the Rabbit out by one ear , and put him into the Boy 's arms . That night , and for many nights after , the Velveteen Rabbit slept in the Boy 's bed . At first he found it rather uncomfortable , for the Boy hugged him very tight , and sometimes he rolled over on him , and sometimes he pushed him so far under the pillow that the Rabbit could scarcely breathe . And he missed , too , those long moonlight hours in the nursery , when all the house was silent , and his talks with the Skin Horse . But very soon he grew to like it , for the Boy used to talk to him , and made nice tunnels for him under the bedclothes that he said were like the burrows the real rabbits lived in . And they had splendid games together , in whispers , when Nana had gone away to her supper and left the night - light burning on the mantelpiece . And when the Boy dropped off to sleep , the Rabbit would snuggle down close under his little warm chin and dream , with the Boy 's hands clasped close round him all night long . Spring came , and they had long days in the garden , for wherever the Boy went the Rabbit went too . He had rides in the wheelbarrow , and picnics on the grass , and lovely fairy huts built for him under the raspberry canes behind the flower border . And once , when the Boy was called away suddenly to go out to tea , the Rabbit was left out on the lawn until long after dusk , and Nana had to come and look for him with the candle because the Boy couldn 't go to sleep unless he was there . He was wet through with the dew and quite earthy from diving into the burrows the Boy had made for him in the flower bed , and Nana grumbled as she rubbed him off with a corner of her apron . When the little Rabbit heard that he was happy , for he knew that what the Skin Horse had said was true at last . The nursery magic had happened to him , and he was a toy no longer . He was Real . The Boy himself had said it . Near the house where they lived there was a wood , and in the long June evenings the Boy liked to go there after tea to play . He took the Velveteen Rabbit with him , and before he wandered off to pick flowers , or play at brigands among the trees , he always made the Rabbit a little nest somewhere among the bracken , where he would be quite cosy , for he was a kind - hearted little boy and he liked Bunny to be comfortable . One evening , while the Rabbit was lying there alone , watching the ants that ran to and fro between his velvet paws in the grass , he saw two strange beings creep out of the tall bracken near him . They were rabbits like himself , but quite furry and brand - new . They must have been very well made , for their seams didn 't show at all , and they changed shape in a queer way when they moved ; one minute they were long and thin and the next minute fat and bunchy , instead of always staying the same like he did . Their feet padded softly on the ground , and they crept quite close to him , twitching their noses , while the Rabbit stared hard to see which side the clockwork stuck out , for he knew that people who jump generally have something to wind them up . But he couldn 't see it . They were evidently a new kind of rabbit altogether . " I can ! " said the little Rabbit . " I can jump higher than anything ! " He meant when the Boy threw him , but of course he didn 't want to say so . That was a dreadful question , for the Velveteen Rabbit had no hind legs at all ! The back of him was made all in one piece , like a pincushion . He sat still in the bracken , and hoped that the other rabbits wouldn 't notice . Weeks passed , and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby , but the Boy loved him just as much . He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off , and the pink lining to his ears turned grey , and his brown spots faded . He even began to lose his shape , and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more , except to the Boy . To him he was always beautiful , and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about . He didn 't mind how he looked to other people , because the nursery magic had made him Real , and when you are Real shabbiness doesn 't matter . It was a long weary time , for the Boy was too ill to play , and the little Rabbit found it rather dull with nothing to do all day long . But he snuggled down patiently , and looked forward to the time when the Boy should be well again , and they would go out in the garden amongst the flowers and the butterflies and play splendid games in the raspberry thicket like they used to . All sorts of delightful things he planned , and while the Boy lay half asleep he crept up close to the pillow and whispered them in his ear . And presently the fever turned , and the Boy got better . He was able to sit up in bed and look at picture - books , while the little Rabbit cuddled close at his side . And one day , they let him get up and dress . The Boy was going to the seaside to - morrow . Everything was arranged , and now it only remained to carry out the doctor 's orders . They talked about it all , while the little Rabbit lay under the bedclothes , with just his head peeping out , and listened . The room was to be disinfected , and all the books and toys that the Boy had played with in bed must be burnt . " Hurrah ! " thought the little Rabbit . " To - morrow we shall go to the seaside ! " For the boy had often talked of the seaside , and he wanted very much to see the big waves coming in , and the tiny crabs , and the sand castles . " That ? " said the doctor . " Why , it 's a mass of scarlet fever germs ! - Burn it at once . What ? Nonsense ! Get him a new one . He mustn 't have that any more ! " And so the little Rabbit was put into a sack with the old picture - books and a lot of rubbish , and carried out to the end of the garden behind the fowl - house . That was a fine place to make a bonfire , only the gardener was too busy just then to attend to it . He had the potatoes to dig and the green peas to gather , but next morning he promised to come quite early and burn the whole lot . That night the Boy slept in a different bedroom , and he had a new bunny to sleep with him . It was a splendid bunny , all white plush with real glass eyes , but the Boy was too excited to care very much about it . For to - morrow he was going to the seaside , and that in itself was such a wonderful thing that he could think of nothing else . And while the Boy was asleep , dreaming of the seaside , the little Rabbit lay among the old picture - books in the corner behind the fowl - house , and he felt very lonely . The sack had been left untied , and so by wriggling a bit he was able to get his head through the opening and look out . He was shivering a little , for he had always been used to sleeping in a proper bed , and by this time his coat had worn so thin and threadbare from hugging that it was no longer any protection to him . Near by he could see the thicket of raspberry canes , growing tall and close like a tropical jungle , in whose shadow he had played with the Boy on bygone mornings . He thought of those long sunlit hours in the garden - how happy they were - and a great sadness came over him . He seemed to see them all pass before him , each more beautiful than the other , the fairy huts in the flower - bed , the quiet evenings in the wood when he lay in the bracken and the little ants ran over his paws ; the wonderful day when he first knew that he was Real . He thought of the Skin Horse , so wise and gentle , and all that he had told him . Of what use was it to be loved and lose one 's beauty and become Real if it all ended like this ? And a tear , a real tear , trickled down his little shabby velvet nose and fell to the ground . And then a strange thing happened . For where the tear had fallen a flower grew out of the ground , a mysterious flower , not at all like any that grew in the garden . It had slender green leaves the colour of emeralds , and in the centre of the leaves a blossom like a golden cup . It was so beautiful that the little Rabbit forgot to cry , and just lay there watching it . And presently the blossom opened , and out of it there stepped a fairy . She was quite the loveliest fairy in the whole world . Her dress was of pearl and dew - drops , and there were flowers round her neck and in her hair , and her face was like the most perfect flower of all . And she came close to the little Rabbit and gathered him up in her arms and kissed him on his velveteen nose that was all damp from crying . " I am the nursery magic Fairy , " she said . " I take care of all the playthings that the children have loved . When they are old and worn out and the children don 't need them any more , then I come and take them away with me and turn them into Real . " It was light now , for the moon had risen . All the forest was beautiful , and the fronds of the bracken shone like frosted silver . In the open glade between the tree - trunks the wild rabbits danced with their shadows on the velvet grass , but when they saw the Fairy they all stopped dancing and stood round in a ring to stare at her . But the little Rabbit sat quite still for a moment and never moved . For when he saw all the wild rabbits dancing around him he suddenly remembered about his hind legs , and he didn 't want them to see that he was made all in one piece . He did not know that when the Fairy kissed him that last time she had changed him altogether . And he might have sat there a long time , too shy to move , if just then something hadn 't tickled his nose , and before he thought what he was doing he lifted his hind toe to scratch it . And he found that he actually had hind legs ! Instead of dingy velveteen he had brown fur , soft and shiny , his ears twitched by themselves , and his whiskers were so long that they brushed the grass . He gave one leap and the joy of using those hind legs was so great that he went springing about the turf on them , jumping sideways and whirling round as the others did , and he grew so excited that when at last he did stop to look for the Fairy she had gone . Autumn passed and Winter , and in the Spring , when the days grew warm and sunny , the Boy went out to play in the wood behind the house . And while he was playing , two rabbits crept out from the bracken and peeped at him . One of them was brown all over , but the other had strange markings under his fur , as though long ago he had been spotted , and the spots still showed through . And about his little soft nose and his round black eyes there was something familiar , so that the Boy thought to himself : Author SeaPosted on September 7 , 2016September 8 , 2016Categories Homeschool , Stories , Winter StoriesTags Christmas , Europe , image , Kindergarten , rabbit , Stories , WaldorfLeave a comment on The Velveteen Rabbit Another Bunny form a Simple Knit Square - Tutorial This knit bunny is a little more complicated than the first one Here . It looks well worth the effort though ! You will need to knit some little ears for this one too .

For Christmas a few years ago , my Gma and Gpa got me this book . It 's by Matthew Christian Harding , and is the first book of a trilogy called " The Peleg Chronicles . " Now , if you know your Bible , you would know that Peleg was a man who lived between Noah and Abraham , which gives you a hint on what its time era is . It 's a rather new genre , without a real label , but it 's category on Amazon is Christian Fantasy and Sci - fi . It doesn 't even really fit with the normal young - earth genre book . There 's no magic , and it takes place in the post - tower - of - babel era . There are dwarves , dragons , sea serpents , and pagan priests who want to make human sacrifices of some of the characters , and tons of adventure and excitement . Since it was written by a man , it 's not surprising that the cast is mostly male . Of the protagonists , there were only two girls , Suzie and Mercy . There also appear to be three more women in the other two books , Mercy 's aunt and cousin , and the Witch Elsa , who is one of the villeins . The one thing I wonder about this book is some of the names , like Mercy and Strongbow , sound rather English and I would have thought that people living in that era and that people group wouldn 't be speaking English , but something more like Hebrew , but that aside , I guess an author has a right to name his characters whatever he wishes . The character that I liked best was Thiery , one of the titular foundlings . The first thing I liked was his name . Don 't ask why , I just liked it . Thiery , Thiery , Thiery . . . It has a nice ring to it . Anyways , in the beginning of the book , he doesn 't have any idea who his parents were , but he is an aspiring ranger of sorts and serves under slow - witted man whose father was a Giant named Oded . Oded follows the true faith , as does Thiery . Thiery then adopts the other titular foundling , Suzie , and makes her his sister , which causes some confusion to those who know who Thiery 's father is when they assume that she is his real sister . He is very protective of his adopted sister . I also liked that he had a pet wolf . I personally believe that all growing boys need a pet wolf . On my Amazon Wishlist , I have something called the One Year Adventure Novel . Those who have read my wishlist may be wondering what it is . Well , first off , it 's a writing curriculum that costs almost two hundred dollars . OYAN , as it 's often abbreviated , was written by Daniel Schwabauer . I first found out about it when my mom stumbled upon it somehow and ordered the free sample DVD . I 've watched the DVD , and I 've looked at the sample lessons that are on the site . OYAN is different from other writing curricula , as it is from a Christian perspective and it 's thrust is not to teach you how to string words together , but how to tell a story . It doesn 't teach you how to characterize , but how to build a character that people care about . It teaches that a good story tells a lesson and how to tell the lesson you choose to tell without sounding preachy . It 's lessons are told not just on paper , but it has a video portion that makes the lessons come to life . I wear glasses . I got my first pair of glasses when I was six or so . I called them my Molly glasses because they looked the glasses that Molly the American wore . But as much as I loved that pair of glasses , sometime in the past year , I realized that I wasn 't seeing things as well as I should . So my Gma and Gpa got me glasses for my birthday . I knew I needed glasses - but I hadn 't realized how bad . My left eye severely changed . I had always been left - eye dominant . . . but a few weeks ago , I had taken the eye dominance test . . . and I was now right eye dominant . So now I have a new pair of glasses , their base color is the same as my third pair of glasses , but the color you mostly see is dark purple . I like them . However , due to the fact that my left eye has been corrected more than my right , they 're having to relearn how to focus . Mom says I need to find a patch to put over my right eye and make my left eye do all the work for a week . Anyone know where I can find a eye - patch ? On another note , Thanks to the 239 people who bought my book for free yesterday . I hope you like it , and please leave a review . I have a contest running when it comes to reviews . As my Valentine 's Present to everyone , until midnight tonight , the Kindle Version of my book will once more be free . If you missed out on this back at Christmas - here 's your second chance ! Hurry while it lasts ! I actually know of three versions of this Fairy Tale . They all begin the same , it 's the endings that are different , and the titles . I think this is the silliest ending . I got the text from here . Once upon a time there dwelt in the land of Erin a young man who was seeking a wife , and of all the maidens round about none pleased him as well as the only daughter of a farmer . The girl was willing and the father was willing , and very soon they were married and went to live at the farm . By and bye the season came when they must cut the peats and pile them up to dry , so that they might have fires in the winter . So on a fine day the girl and her husband , and the father and his wife all went out upon the moor . And the mother gives her a Look and says , " as if that 's gonna happen . You know , it will happen if you keep sitting there . Come on , the horses are hungry , and so are our menfolk . . . " ' Something strange must have occurred , ' exclaimed the old farmer on the moor , who by this time was not only hungry , but cross . ' I must go after them . ' And he went and found them in the stable . Was she that bad of a girl ? Okay , now I 'm worried . You would think that a clever girl would be quickly married off . Apparently not . At last one came from a distance , and his name was Hans , and when he proposed to her , he made it a condition that Clever Else should be very careful as well . She has to be careful . That might get them in trouble . " No , indeed , " said the mother , " she can see the wind coming up the street and hear the flies cough . " See the wind ? Wind is invisible . And flies don 't cough . They 're almost as bad as the girl 's father in Rumpelstiltskin ! " Well , " said Hans , " if she does not turn out to be careful too , I will not have her . " You know , I 'd think that if I had a stipulation for my potential spouse , I wouldn 't tell it to her . That way , she can 't pretend to have the traits you seek . But , to each his own , I guess . Now when they were all seated at table , and had well eaten , the mother said , " Else , go into the cellar and draw some beer . " Then Clever Else took down the jug from the hook in the wall , and as she was on her way to the cellar she rattled the lid up and down so as to pass away the time . Um . . . talk about a nervous habit . Hey , Hans , this girl looks to be a bit hyper ! Are you sure you want her ? When she got there , she took a stool and stood it in front of the cask , so that she need not stoop and make her back ache with needless trouble . Then she put the jug under the tap and turned it , and while the beer was running , in order that her eyes should not be idle , she glanced hither and thither , and finally caught sight of a pickaxe that the workmen had left sticking in the ceiling just above her head . You know , I wonder how often this girl went down to the cellar to get beer - and if she had been down there often enough - why hadn 't she noticed it before ? Then Clever Else began to cry , for she thought , " If I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it into the cellar to draw beer , that pickaxe might fall on his head and kill him . " Define big . Big enough to react in time to get out of the way in time ? But she has to worry , anyways . She 's supposed to be being careful , after all . So there she sat and cried with all her might , lamenting the anticipated misfortune . All the while they were waiting upstairs for something to drink , and they waited in vain . At last the mistress said to the maid , " Go down to the cellar and see why Else does not come . " So they were rich enough to have a maid . So the maid went , and found her sitting in front of the cask crying with all her might . " What are you crying for ? " said the maid . " Oh dear me , " answered she , " how can I help crying ? if I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it here to draw beer , perhaps the pickaxe may fall on its head and kill it . " " You see , Hans wants me to be careful - so I 'm being careful ! " Yes , I see why she 's called clever . It takes cleverness to be this manipulative ! They 're rich enough to have a boy too . Unless the maid and boy are Else 's younger sister and brother . . . They might be , actually . The boy did so , and there he found both Clever Else and the maid sitting crying together . Then he asked what was the matter . " Oh dear me , " said Else , " how can we help crying ? If I marry Hans , and we have a child , and it grows big , and we send it here to draw beer , the pickaxe might fall on its head and kill it . " Well , boys tend to be more intelligent than girls , so the boy might not fall for this stupidity . Upstairs they were all waiting for him to come back , but as he did not come , the master said to the mistress , " You go down to the cellar and see what Else is doing . " So the mistress went down and found all three in great lamentations , and when she asked the cause , then Else told her how the future possible child might be killed as soon as it was big enough to be sent to draw beer , by the pickaxe falling on it . And the mother , being utterly convinced that her daughter is completely clever , will go along with it . Upstairs the husband waited a little while , but as his wife did not return , and as his thirst constantly increased , he said , " I must go down to the cellar myself , and see what has become of Else . " And when he came into the cellar , and found them all sitting and weeping together , he was told that it was all owing to the child that Else might possibly have , and the possibility of its being killed by the pickaxe so happening to fall just at the time the child might be sitting underneath it drawing beer ; and when he heard all this , he cried , " How clever is our Else ! " and sitting down , he joined his tears to theirs . You would think that Dad , at least , had a head on his shoulder . But , no , he , too , had to go along with the clever Else . I say that that girl 's spoiled ! " Very well , I will do so , dear Hans , " said she . And after Hans was gone she cooked herself some nice stew , and took it with her into the field . Stew . I would have fixed myself a sandwich , actually , since stews don 't keep well outside . Well , her prerogative , I guess . And when she got there , she said to herself , " Now , what shall I do ? shall I reap first , or eat first ? All right , I will eat first . " No , Else , you 're supposed to be working ! Then she ate her fill of stew , and when she could eat no more , she said to herself , " Now , what shall I do ? shall I reap first , or sleep first ? All right , I will sleep first . " I thought she was supposed to be clever . Then she lay down in the corn and went to sleep . And Hans got home , and waited there a long while , and Else did not come , so he said to himself , " My clever Else is so industrious that she never thinks of coming home and eating . " Well , at least he assumes the best . There are others who would assume the worst . . . I think she got the better end of the marriage . But when evening drew near and still she did not come , Hans set out to see how much corn she had cut ; but she had cut no corn at all , but there she was lying in it asleep . And he was severely disappointed , and he realized that he should have made his stipulation " industrious " instead of " careful . " Then Hans made haste home , and fetched a bird - net with little bells and threw it over her ; and still she went on sleeping . Um . . . Hans ? What are you up to ? And he ran home again and locked himself in , and sat him down on his bench to work . At last , when it was beginning to grow dark , Clever Else woke , and when she got up and shook herself , the bells jingled at each movement that she made . And since she was clever , she realized that she had bells on her . . . Then she grew frightened , and began to doubt whether she were really Clever Else or not , and said to herself , " Am I , or am I not ? " Or not . This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland , actually , when Alice is wondering if she 's still Alice , then decides that she isn 't and that she 's really Mabel . I know of three versions of this Fairy Tale . They 're pretty much similar for the first half , but the second halves are all different , and all funny ! The text and image come from this site . ' Why , whatever is the matter ? ' said her mother . ' Oh , mother ! ' says she , ' look at that horrid mallet ! Suppose we was to be married , and was to have a son , and he was to grow up , and was to come down to the cellar to draw the beer , and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him , what a dreadful thing it would be ! ' Then after a bit the father began to wonder that they didn 't come back , and he went down into the cellar to look after them himself , and there they two sat a - crying , and the beer running all over the floor . ' Whatever is the matter ? ' says he . ' Why , ' says the mother , ' look at that horrid mallet . Just suppose , if our daughter and her sweetheart was to be married , and was to have a son , and he was to grow up , and was to come down into the cellar to draw the beer , and the mallet was to fall on his head and kill him , what a dreadful thing it would be ! ' ' Dear , dear , dear ! so it would ! ' said the father , and he sat himself down aside of the other two , and started a - crying . And I was hoping that the daughter only took after mom . No such luck , I guess . And he doesn 't even think to turn off the tap either ! And then they all started a - crying worse than before . But the gentleman burst out a - laughing , and reached up and pulled out the mallet , and then he said : ' I 've travelled many miles , and I never met three such big sillies as you three before ; and now I shall start out on my travels again , and when I can find three bigger sillies than you three , then I 'll come back and marry your daughter . ' So he wished them good - bye , and started off on his travels , and left them all crying because the girl had lost her sweetheart . ' Why , lookye , ' she said , ' look at all that beautiful grass . I 'm going to get the cow on to the roof to eat it . She 'll be quite safe , for I shall tie a string round her neck , and pass it down the chimney , and tie it to my wrist as I go about the house , so she can 't fall off without my knowing it . ' ' Oh , you poor silly ! ' said the gentleman , ' you should cut the grass and throw it down to the cow ! ' But the woman thought it was easier to get the cow up the ladder than to get the grass down , so she pushed her and coaxed her and got her up , and tied a string round her neck , and passed it down the chimney , and fastened it to her own wrist . At last he stopped and wiped his face with his handkerchief . ' Oh dear , ' he says , ' I do think trousers are the most awkwardest kind of clothes that ever were . I can 't think who could have invented such things . It takes me the best part of an hour to get into mine every morning , and I get so hot ! How do you manage yours ? ' Grandma , who I usually abbreviate to Gma on my blog , is my paternal grandmother . She 's the one who proofreads my books for me . She mastered and minored in Bible and Business in college , and as a result . . . became the church secretary . She 's not the secretary anymore , though . She 's now the church librarian . Grandpa , or Gpa , the grandparent I was named after . He used to teach math at the local college , but has since retired . He loves fishing , and running , and often takes me to races . He tends to just ' pick up things ' and he 's always bringing home the most interesting thing . He also likes to collect things for you - and has probably provided at least half of my nutcracker , giraffe and ladybug collections - especially the more unusual ones . Papa , my mom 's dad , is a mechanic , who 's recently retired . We used to call him Poppy , but when my cousin couldn 't say Poppy right , and Papa liked being called Papa better , we 've called him that . He has a tendency to tell stories that . . . may or may not be true . And he tells them so earnestly , you often wonder . He had my sister convinced that she would grow up into ' a dirty old man ' Grammy died almost three years ago . We still miss her , but we 've learned to cope . She was an adoptive woman , and there were plenty more than just her own grandkids who called her Grammy . She would had been Grammy to the world if it had been possible . Fill a large saucepan half - full of water ( helps if you add a pinch of salt and some vegetable oil ) . Brown Hamburger meat in a skillet . When you have a rolling boil , add the noodles and turn down the heat . When Hamburger meat is thoroughly browned , add Tomato sauce and spices to taste . When Noodles are at edible softness , strain and put back in the sauce pan . Add the Hamburger meat and Tomato sauce , serve , and enjoy ! The little girl was a creative little girl , however , and knew the perfect cure for everyone 's boredom . There were lots of balloons just sitting around - filled with regular air , not helium . The little girl came up with a brilliant game ! They could play keep the balloon in the air ! Now when the little girl had her sixth birthday , she had her party at her church . The big teenagers were blowing up balloons and goofing off , and came up with a game for them to play . Unfortunately , they wouldn 't listen to the little girl . The little girl kept trying to say that she had already invented this game , that she had already given it a name - Keep the Balloon in the Air and Don 't Pop it . Honestly , why is it always the YOUNGEST daughter who is the beauty of the family ? As the eldest daughter of my family , I think this is totally unfair . Could someone please tell me who I can complain to to get this slight righted ? Or not . I forgot . This is a Fairy Tale , and he 's a Fairy Tale character , who know 's the rule - animals are likely to talk and bring you good fortune . She said no , and would not hear of it ; so the man went out again , and settled with the White Bear that he should come again next Thursday evening , and get her answer . Then the man persuaded her , and talked so much to her about the wealth that they would have , and what a good thing it would be for herself , that at last she made up her mind to go , and washed and mended all her rags , made herself as smart as she could , and held herself in readiness to set out . Little enough had she to take away with her . Next Thursday evening the White Bear came to fetch her . She seated herself on his back with her bundle , and thus they departed . When they had gone a great part of the way , the White Bear said : " Are you afraid ? " And thus she rode far , far away , until they came to a great mountain . Then the White Bear knocked on it , and a door opened , and they went into a castle where there were many brilliantly lighted rooms which shone with gold and silver , likewise a large hall in which there was a well - spread table , and it was so magnificent that it would be hard to make anyone understand how splendid it was . The White Bear gave her a silver bell , and told her that when she needed anything she had but to ring this bell , and what she wanted would appear . So after she had eaten , and night was drawing near , she grew sleepy after her journey , and thought she would like to go to bed . She rang the bell , and scarcely had she touched it before she found herself in a chamber where a bed stood ready made for her , which was as pretty as anyone could wish to sleep in . It had pillows of silk , and curtains of silk fringed with gold , and everything that was in the room was of gold or silver , but when she had lain down and put out the light a man came and lay down beside her , and behold it was the White Bear , who cast off the form of a beast during the night . She never saw him , however , for he always came after she had put out her light , and went away before daylight appeared . Wait . . . she 's not gonna get eaten ! She gets to marry a handsome king ! ( even if she never get 's to see him ) Youngest daughters get all the luck . I 'm going back to writing that complaint and researching who to complain to . You know , I sometimes wonder how old this youngest daughter is if her brothers and sisters are still running around and playing . Well , this is a Fairy Tale , after all . You 're allowed to marry young . Although , why hadn 't her father married off her older sisters already and gotten them off his hands ? And she goes up and knocks at the door . Her dad answers . " Who are you ? " " Oh , I 'm your youngest daughter , the one you traded for all this . " Now they had everything that they wanted , and everything was as good as it could be . They all asked her how she was getting on where she was . All was well with her too , she said ; and she had everything that she could want . What other answers she gave I cannot say , but I am pretty sure that they did not learn much from her . But in the afternoon , after they had dined at midday , all happened just as the White Bear had said . Her mother wanted to talk with her alone in her own chamber . But she remembered what the White Bear had said , and would on no account go . " What we have to say can be said at any time , " she answered . But somehow or other her mother at last persuaded her , and she was forced to tell the whole story . So she told how every night a man came and lay down beside her when the lights were all put out , and how she never saw him , because he always went away before it grew light in the morning , and how she continually went about in sadness , thinking how happy she would be if she could but see him , and how all day long she had to go about alone , and it was so dull and solitary . " Oh ! " cried the mother , in horror , " you are very likely sleeping with a troll ! But I will teach you a way to see him . You shall have a bit of one of my candles , which you can take away with you hidden in your breast . Look at him with that when he is asleep , but take care not to let any tallow drop upon him . " So she took the candle , and hid it in her breast , and when evening drew near the White Bear came to fetch her away . When they had gone some distance on their way , the White Bear asked her if everything had not happened just as he had foretold , and she could not but own that it had . " Then , if you have done what your mother wished , " said he , " you have brought great misery on both of us . " " No , " she said , " I have not done anything at all . " So when she had reached home and had gone to bed it was just the same as it had been before , and a man came and lay down beside her , and late at night , when she could hear that he was sleeping , she got up and kindled a light , lit her candle , let her light shine on him , and saw him , and he was the handsomest prince that eyes had ever beheld , and she loved him so much that it seemed to her that she must die if she did not kiss him that very moment . So she did kiss him ; but while she was doing it she let three drops of hot tallow fall upon his shirt , and he awoke . " What have you done now ? " said he ; " you have brought misery on both of us . If you had but held out for the space of one year I should have been free . I have a step - mother who has bewitched me so that I am a white bear by day and a man by night ; but now all is at an end between you and me , and I must leave you , and go to her . She lives in a castle which lies east of the sun and west of the moon , and there too is a princess with a nose which is three ells long , and she now is the one whom I must marry . " I 'm cheering for the long - nose princess , myself . Ugly girls need their day in the sun . We beautiful gals get all of the princes . Let 's let one ugly princess get one of the princes . She wept and lamented , but all in vain , for go he must . Then she asked him if she could not go with him . But no , that could not be . " Can you tell me the way then , and I will seek you - - that I may surely be allowed to do ! " Okay . . . I 'm almost feeling sorry for the youngest . I mean , she was married to the prince . But . . . I 'm still working on that complaint about all of the most beautifuls being youngests . When she awoke in the morning both the Prince and the castle were gone , and she was lying on a small green patch in the midst of a dark , thick wood . By her side lay the self - same bundle of rags which she had brought with her from her own home . So when she had rubbed the sleep out of her eyes , and wept till she was weary , she set out on her way , and thus she walked for many and many a long day , until at last she came to a great mountain . You know , I 'm curious as to what happened to the wealth of her family . Did they loose it as well ? Or did they keep their wealth ? The Fairy Tale never says . Outside it an aged woman was sitting , playing with a golden apple . The girl asked her if she knew the way to the Prince who lived with his stepmother in the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon , and who was to marry a princess with a nose which was three ells long . " How do you happen to know about him ? " inquired the old woman ; " maybe you are she who ought to have had him . " " Yes , indeed , I am , " she said . " So it is you , then ? " said the old woman ; " I know nothing about him but that he dwells in a castle which is east of the sun and west of the moon . You will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get to it at all ; but you shall have the loan of my horse , and then you can ride on it to an old woman who is a neighbor of mine : perhaps she can tell you about him . When you have got there you must just strike the horse beneath the left ear and bid it go home again ; but you may take the golden apple with you . " So the girl seated herself on the horse , and rode for a long , long way , and at last she came to the mountain , where an aged woman was sitting outside with a gold carding - comb . The girl asked her if she knew the way to the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon ; but she said what the first old woman had said : " I know nothing about it , but that it is east of the sun and west of the moon , and that you will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get there at all ; but you shall have the loan of my horse to an old woman who lives the nearest to me : perhaps she may know where the castle is , and when you have got to her you may just strike the horse beneath the left ear and bid it go home again . " Then she gave her the gold carding - comb , for it might , perhaps , be of use to her , she said . So the girl seated herself on the horse , and rode a wearisome long way onward again , and after a very long time she came to a great mountain , where an aged woman was sitting , spinning at a golden spinning - wheel . Of this woman , too , she inquired if she knew the way to the Prince , and where to find the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon . But it was only the same thing once again . " Maybe it was you who should have had the Prince , " said the old woman . " Yes , indeed , I should have been the one , " said the girl . But this old crone knew the way no better than the others - - it was east of the sun and west of the moon , she knew that , " and you will be a long time in getting to it , if ever you get to it at all , " she said ; " but you may have the loan of my horse , and I think you had better ride to the East Wind , and ask him : perhaps he may know where the castle is , and will blow you thither . But when you have got to him you must just strike the horse beneath the left ear , and he will come home again . " And then she gave her the golden spinning - wheel , saying : " Perhaps you may find that you have a use for it . " The girl had to ride for a great many days , and for a long and wearisome time , before she got there ; but at last she did arrive , and then she asked the East Wind if he could tell her the way to the Prince who dwelt east of the sun and west of the moon . " Well , " said the East Wind , " I have heard tell of the Prince , and of his castle , but I do not know the way to it , for I have never blown so far ; but , if you like , I will go with you to my brother the West Wind : he may know that , for he is much stronger than I am . You may sit on my back , and then I can carry you there . " So she seated herself on his back , and they did go so swiftly ! When they got there , the East Wind went in and said that the girl whom he had brought was the one who ought to have had the Prince up at the castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon , and that now she was traveling about to find him again , so he had come there with her , and would like to hear if the West Wind knew whereabout the castle was . " No , " said the West Wind ; " so far as that have I never blown ; but if you like I will go with you to the South Wind , for he is much stronger than either of us , and he has roamed far and wide , and perhaps he can tell you what you want to know . You may seat yourself on my back , and then I will carry you to him . " . So she did this , and journeyed to the South Wind , neither was she very long on the way . When they had got there , the West Wind asked him if he could tell her the way to the castle that lay east of the sun and west of the moon , for she was the girl who ought to marry the Prince who lived there . " Oh , indeed ! " said the South Wind , " is that she ? Well , " said he , " I have wandered about a great deal in my time , and in all kinds of places , but I have never blown so far as that . If you like , however , I will go with you to my brother , the North Wind ; he is the oldest and strongest of all of us , and if he does not know where it is no one in the whole world will be able to tell you . You may sit upon my back , and then I will carry you there . " So she seated herself on his back , and off he went from his house in great haste , and they were not long on the way . When they came near the North Wind 's dwelling , he was so wild and frantic that they felt cold gusts a long while before they got there . " What do you want ? " he roared out from afar , and they froze as they heard . Said the South Wind : " It is I , and this is she who should have had the Prince who lives in the castle which lies east of the sun and west of the moon . And now she wishes to ask you if you have ever been there , and can tell her the way , for she would gladly find him again . " Well , now she comes to the last of the four winds . North has GOT to know where to find lost prince . I 'm getting tired of this bouncing here and there and everywhere . " Yes , " said the North Wind , " I know where it is . I once blew an aspen leaf there , but I was so tired that for many days afterward I was not able to blow at all . However , if you really are anxious to go there , and are not afraid to go with me , I will take you on my back , and try if I can blow you there . " The North Wind woke her betimes next morning , and puffed himself up , and made himself so big and so strong that it was frightful to see him , and away they went , high up through the air , as if they would not stop until they had reached the very end of the world . Down below there was such a storm ! It blew down woods and houses , and when they were above the sea the ships were wrecked by hundreds . And thus they tore on and on , and a long time went by , and then yet more time passed , and still they were above the sea , and the North Wind grew tired , and more tired , and at last so utterly weary that he was scarcely able to blow any longer , and he sank and sank , lower and lower , until at last he went so low that the waves dashed against the heels of the poor girl he was carrying . " Art thou afraid ? " said the North Wind . " I have no fear , " said she ; and it was true . But they were not very , very far from land , and there was just enough strength left in the North Wind to enable him to throw her on to the shore , immediately under the windows of a castle which lay east of the sun and west of the moon ; but then he was so weary and worn out that he was forced to rest for several days before he could go to his own home again . Next morning she sat down beneath the walls of the castle to play with the golden apple , and the first person she saw was the maiden with the long nose , who was to have the Prince . " How much do you want for that gold apple of yours , girl ? " said she , opening the window . " It can 't be bought either for gold or money , " answered the girl . " If it cannot be bought either for gold or money , what will buy it ? You may say what you please , " said the Princess . " Well , if I may go to the Prince who is here , and be with him to - night , you shall have it , " said the girl who had come with the North Wind . " You may do that , " said the Princess , for she had made up her mind what she would do . So the Princess got the golden apple , but when the girl went up to the Prince 's apartment that night he was asleep , for the Princess had so contrived it . You know , why do they always have to make girls known for their least attractive feature . I bet the princess with the Long nose also had long , beautiful golden hair , beautiful blue eyes , a perfect figure . . . You know , drop - dead gorgeous if it weren 't for . . . . that long schnoz . In the daytime she sat down once more beneath the windows of the castle , and began to card with her golden carding - comb ; and then all happened as it had happened before . The Princess asked her what she wanted for it , and she replied that it was not for sale , either for gold or money , but that if she could get leave to go to the Prince , and be with him during the night , she should have it . But when she went up to the Prince 's room he was again asleep , and , let her call him , or shake him , or weep as she would , he still slept on , and she could not put any life in him . When daylight came in the morning , the Princess with the long nose came too , and once more drove her away . When day had quite come , the girl seated herself under the castle windows , to spin with her golden spinning - wheel , and the Princess with the long nose wanted to have that also . Honestly , I would have thought that the gifts from the old women would have been a bit more . . . substantial . So , when the girl went into the Prince 's room this time he was awake , and she had to tell him how she had come there . " You have come just in time , " said the Prince , " for I should have been married to - morrow ; but I will not have the long - nosed Princess , and you alone can save me . I will say that I want to see what my bride can do , and bid her wash the shirt which has the three drops of tallow on it . This she will consent to do , for she does not know that it is you who let them fall on it ; but no one can wash them out but one born of Christian folk : it cannot be done by one of a pack of trolls ; and then I will say that no one shall ever be my bride but the woman who can do this , and I know that you can . " There was great joy and gladness between them all that night , but the next day , when the wedding was to take place , the Prince said , " I must see what my bride can do . " " That you may do , " said the stepmother . And they look at him like he 's crazy . Strange stipulation for your bride . " I want a bride who can wash my shirt . " Honestly , if they were smart , they would have realized that that was a trick of some sort . Well , that was a very small matter , they thought , and agreed to do it . The Princess with the long nose began to wash as well as she could , but , the more she washed and rubbed , the larger the spots grew . " Ah ! you can 't wash at all , " said the old troll - hag , who was her mother . " Give it to me . " But she too had not had the shirt very long in her hands before it looked worse still , and , the more she washed it and rubbed it , the larger and blacker grew the spots . Growing spots ! I love it ! So the other trolls had to come and wash , but , the more they did , the blacker and uglier grew the shirt , until at length it was as black as if it had been up the chimney . That 's the easy way to dye a shirt black . Or is it the hard way ? Unfortunately they were wanting to make the shirt WHITE , not black . " Oh , " cried the Prince , " not one of you is good for anything at all ! There is a beggar - girl sitting outside the window , and I 'll be bound that she can wash better than any of you ! Come in , you girl there ! " he cried . So she came in . " Can you wash this shirt clean ? " he cried . " Oh ! I don 't know , " she said ; " but I will try . " And no sooner had she taken the shirt and dipped it in the water than it was white as driven snow , and even whiter than that . " I will marry you , " said the Prince . I am , first a foremost , a Christian . I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was three and a half , and have never regretted the decision . I am secondly the eldest daughter ( and child for that matter ) of a homeschooling family . Third , I am the author of The Bookania Quests , The Ankulen , and The Rizkaland Legends . Fourth , I am a knitter / crocheter / aspiring herbalist . I think that sums me up . And , here we are , at the end of Indie e - Con . Well , except for the prizes tomorrow . Stay tuned for that . I 'm currently on the air over at . . . Hello ! I promised you a new site for Indie e - Con - and here it is . Just click this image I 'm still working on the main website . . . Hello ! I 'm popping in with a fun game . I 'll start , course , and you guys can keep it going . One point per comment , and you can c . . . Hello , and I 'm here today to share the WINNING entry for this year 's Indie e - Con Writing Contest ! WHOOO ! ! ! This story was written by . . . A report I wrote at the age of 15 . The Bible has a lot to say about the trustworthy person . He is the kind of person who leaves other pe . . .

Fun - loving , crazy , suicidal ( in a fun , not - too - lethal way ) , adventurous and out - going . Love to read and write stories , read and draw comics , listen to music and singing , watch tv and sleep . An uber fan of yaoi , which icked many , including my bf , but celebrated by many onliners . YAOI RULEZ ~ ! ! ! The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve . He hadn 't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away . It was just another day to him . He didn 't hate Christmas , just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through . Instead of throwing the man out , Old George as he was known by his customers , told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy , I 'll just go . " " Not without something hot in your belly . " George said . He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It ain 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . Stew . . . Made it myself . When you 're done , there 's coffee and it 's fresh . " Just at that moment he heard the " ding " of the driveway bell . " Excuse me , be right back , " George said . There in the driveway was an old ' 53 Chevy . Steam was rolling out of the front . . The driver was panicked . " Mister can you help me ! " said the driver , with a deep Spanish accent . " My wife is with child and my car is broken . " George opened the hood . It was bad . The block looked cracked from the cold , the car was dead . " You ain 't going in this thing , " George said as he turned away . " But Mister , please help . . . " The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside . He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building , opened the garage , started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Here , take my truck , " he said . " She ain 't the best thing you ever looked at , but she runs real good . " George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night . He turned and walked back inside the office . " Glad I gave ' em the truck , their tires were shot too . That ' ol truck has brand new ones . " George thought he was talking to the stranger , but the man had gone . The Thermos was on the desk , empty , with a used coffee cup beside it . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant no customers . He discovered that the block hadn 't cracked , it was just the bottom hose on the radiator . " Well , shoot , I can fix this , " he said to himself . So he put a new one on . " Those tires ain 't gonna get ' em through the winter either . " He took the snow treads off of his wife 's old Lincoln . They were like new and he wasn 't going to drive the car anyway . As he was working , he heard shots being fired . He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground . Bleeding from the left shoulder , the officer moaned , " Please help me . " George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic . He knew the wound needed attention . " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the wound . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anythin ' , " he said , trying to make the policeman feel at ease . " Something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there , I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " The phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car . " He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio . He went back in to find the policeman sitting up . " Thanks , " said the officer . " You could have left me there . The guy that shot me is still in the area . " George sat down beside him , " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain 't gonna leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . Bullet passed right through ' ya . Good thing it missed the important stuff though . I think with time your gonna be right as rain . " George got up and poured a cup of coffee . " How do you take it ? " he asked . " None for me , " said the officer . . " Oh , yer gonna drink this . Best in the city . Too bad I ain 't got no donuts . " The officer laughed and winced at the same time . The front door of the office flew open . In burst a young man with a gun . " Give me all your cash ! Do it now ! " the young man yelled . His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before . " That 's the guy that shot me ! " exclaimed the officer . " Son , why are you doing this ? " asked George , " You need to put the cannon away . Somebody else might get hurt . " The young man was confused . " Shut up old man , or I 'll shoot you , too . Now give me the cash ! " The cop reached for his gun . " Put that thing away , " George said to him , " we got 1 too many in here now . " He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need money , well then , here . It ain 't much but it 's all I got . Now put that pea shooter away . " George pulled $ 150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man , reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time . The young man released his grip on the gun , fell to his knees and began to cry . " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I 've lost my job , my rent is due , my car got repossessed last week . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Bein ' stupid is one of the Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man stopped crying , and looked at the cop " Sorry I shot you . It just went off . I 'm sorry officer . " he said . " Shut up and drink your coffee " the cop said . George could hear the sounds of sirens outside . A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt . Two cops came through the door , guns drawn . " Chuck ! You ok ? " one of the cops asked the wounded officer . " Not bad for a guy who took a bullet . How did you find me ? " " GPS locator in the car . Best thing since sliced bread . Who did this ? " the other cop asked as he approached the young man . Chuck answered him , " I don 't know . The guy ran off into the dark . Just dropped his gun and ran . " George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other . " That guy work here ? " the wounded cop continued . " Yep , " George said , " just hired him this morning . Boy lost his job . " The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher . The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered , " Why ? " Chuck just said , " Merry Christmas boy . . . and you too , George , and thanks for everything . " " Well , looks like you got one doozy of a break there . That ought to solve some of your problems . " George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . " Here you go , something for the little woman . I don 't think Martha would mind . She said it would come in handy some day . " The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw . " I can 't take this , " said the young man . " It means something to you . " " And now it means something to you , " replied George . " I got my memories . That 's all I need . " George reached into the box again . An airplane , a car and a truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's something for that little man of yours . " The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $ 150 that the old man had handed him earlier . " And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with ? You keep that too , " George said . " Now git home to your family . " The young man turned with tears streaming down his face . " I 'll be here in the morning for work , if that job offer is still good . " " Nope . I 'm closed Christmas day , " George said . " See ya the day after . " George turned around & found the stranger had returned . " Where 'd you come from ? I thought you 'd left ? " " I have been here . I have always been here , " said the stranger . " You say you don 't celebrate Christmas . Why ? " " Well , after my wife passed away , I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Puttin ' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Bakin ' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was gettin ' a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists . The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself . " That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man . " George was taken aback by all this stranger had said . " And how do you know all this ? " asked the old man . " Trust me , George . I have the inside track on this sort of thing . And when your days are done you will be with Martha again . " The stranger moved toward the door . " If you will excuse me , George , I have to go now . I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned . " George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe . A golden light began to fill the room . " You see , George . . . it 's My birthday . Merry Christmas . " George fell to his knees and replied , " Happy Birthday , Lord Jesus . " Post # 5 ( Sept . 15 , 2010 ) Hey , guys . " Jadusable " here . This will be the last time you will be hearing from me , and this is my final gift to you - these are the notes that I have taken and the realizations I 've made . Before I delve into this , I want to thank you for following me and thank you for listening , it feels like the weight of a powerful burden is about to be lifted . By the time you read this I won 't be around anymore , but after spending four days with this maddening game , I have begun to understand what 's really at play here and hopefully after reading this we can ensure that this never happens again . There are things that I could not share with you while this was going on due to the circumstances to which I 'll explain . With Ben blocking any attempt I made to try and relay the truth to you , I tried , ever so subtly , to warn you guys in various ways . Amidst the chaos and my delirium , I devised a make a barely noticeable pattern in my videos . In all five videos I recorded over the four days , I have either had the Mask of Truth , interacted with a Gossip Stone , or the Lens of Truth equipped at some point . For you Zelda enthusiasts these are all symbols of honesty and trustworthiness and I would hope that one of you may have picked up on the reference . As I played the file which I would name " BEN " , being mindful of how Ben was watching over my every move in the game , I made a point to avoid doing anything too obvious , but I sent out a hidden message to you guys - I never equipped the Lens nor the Mask nor visited a stone . It worked , and the video was uploaded . I prayed that someone would notice the pattern didn 't apply to BEN . The tags followed suit too , I hope you guys paid attention to those as well . They were my little messages to you - nothing big enough that would catch Ben 's attention or make him suspect anything - with Ben manipulating and changing my files , I honestly hope that what you guys saw was close to what actually happened , but there is no way for me to know . This may be a long read , I don 't have timBEN Drowned ( Post 4 ) Post # 4 ( Sept . 12 , 2010 ) Let me just clear things up - I know you guys are worried but " jadusable " is okay . He finished moving out today and he said he 's going back home , he 's just taking this semester off . I 'm not really sure what 's happened ; I have a vague idea but you guys probably know more than I do . I 'm " jadusable 's " roommate and obviously I knew something was wrong with him for a few days now . He stayed in his room all the time , fell out of contact with literally all of his friends , and I 'm pretty sure he hadn 't been eating hardly anything , after the second day I couldn 't stay in there anymore , so I 've been crashing at a buddy 's place , only coming in to my room to get stuff that I need . I tried talking to him several times but he would cut me off or keep the conversation brief when I asked him about his strange behavior , it like he was convinced something was hunting him . Yesterday I came to grab my philosophy book and he approached me , looking awful , like horrible bags under his eyes . He handed me a flash drive and gave me specific instructions . He told me that he needs me to do one last favor for him - he finally explained to me what has been going on , gave me the account info to his YouTube account , and told me that he 's getting away from here , that it lured him to play it again instead of trying to change things and that he shouldn 't of done that , and to upload the footage and inform people what happened . I told him that he could do it himself and he got this wild look in his eye and told me that he is never looking at that game again , and that 's the last thing he said to me , he never even said bye when his parents came to pick him up . I never even got to meet his parents . I honestly cant tell you what happened , when he spoke it was kind of hard to understand him and his fucked up appearance really distracted me . On the flash drive there was the footage of the game last night , a text document with his name and password for YouTube , and a third document called TheTruth . txt containing what he told me were BEN Drowned ( Post 3 ) Post # 3 ( Sept . 10 , 2010 ) I know its early in the morning , I 've stayed up all night , I can 't sleep , I don 't care if people see this , that 's not the point , I just want the word to get spread so I don 't suffer for nothing . I 've lost the will to type about this , the less I dwell on this the better , I think the video just speaks for itself . I did what you guys told me to do , I played the Elegy of Emptiness song at the first prompt by the game I was given , but I think that 's what the game or Ben ( Jesus Christ , I can 't believe I 'm even humoring the absurd idea that he exists in the game ) wanted me to do . He 's following me now , not just in the game , he 's in my dreams . I see him all the time , behind my back , just watching me . I haven 't gone to any of my classes , I 've stayed in my dorm room with the windows closed and the blinds shut - that way I know he can 't watch me . But he still gets me when I play , when I play he can still see me . The game is scaring me now . It talked to me for the first time - not just using text that 's already in the game - it spoke to me . Talked to me . It referenced Ben . It talked to me . I don 't know what it means . I don 't know what it wants . I never wanted this , I just want my old life back . Stuff like this doesn 't happen to people like me , I 'm just a kid , not even old enough to drink yet . It 's not fair , I want to go home , I want to see my parents again , I 'm so far away from home here at this school , I just want to hug my mom again . I just want to forget that statue 's horrible blank face . My original game file is back - just the way I left it before it was gone . I don 't want to play anymore . I feel like something bad will happen if I don 't , but that 's impossible , it 's a video game - haunted or not it can 't hurt me , right ? Like seriously though , it can 't , right ? That 's what I keep telling myself , but every time I think about it I 'm not so sure . Post # 2 ( Sept . 8 , 2010 ) I 'm going to post what happened and link the video footage , but last night everything got too real for me . I think I 'm done messing around with this . I passed out pretty much immediately after making that thread . But last night , that Elegy of Emptiness statue , I had a dream about it . I dreamed that it was following me in my dream , that I would be minding my own business when I 'd feel my neck hairs stand up on end . I would turn around that thing . . . that horrible , lifeless statue would be staring with those empty eyes right at me , merely inches away . In my dream I remember calling it Ben , and never before had I had a dream that I could remember so vividly . But the important thing is I did get some sleep , I suppose . Today , putting off playing the game as long as I could , I drove back up to that neighborhood to see if the old man came back . As I expected , the car was still gone and no one was home . As I was walking back to my car , the man next door mowing the grass killed the power to his lawnmower and asked me if I was looking for someone . I told him that I was looking to talk to the old man that lived here , to which he told me what I already knew - he was moving . Trying a different avenue , I asked if the old man had any family or relatives I could talk to . I discovered that this old man had never been married , nor did he have any children or grandchildren through adoption . Starting to become worried , I asked one final question , one that I should have asked from the beginning - who was Ben ? The man 's expression turned grim and I learned that four doors down around eight years ago on April 23 - the man informed me that it was the same day as his anniversary , that 's how he knew the specific date - there was an accident with a young boy named Ben in the neighborhood . Shortly after his parents moved , and despite any further attempts to talk to the man to get more information , he wouldn 't divulge anything else . I went back and started playing again , I loaded up the game and immediately I jumped at thBEN Drowned ( Post 1 ) Post # 1 ( Sept . 7 , 2010 ) Okay , / x / , I need your help with this . This is not copypaste , this is a long read , but I feel like my safety or well - being could very well depend on this . This is video game related , specifically Majora 's Mask , and this is the creepiest shit that has ever happened to me in my entire life . Having said that , I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play . I was stoked , to say the least , I could finally play all of those old games of my youth that I hadn 't touched in at least a decade . His Nintendo 64 came with one yellow controller and a rather shoddy copy of Super Smash Brothers , and while beggars can 't be choosers , needless to say it didn 't take long until I became bored of beating up LVL 9 CPUs . That weekend I decided to drive around a few neighborhoods about twenty minutes or so off campus , hitting up the local garage sales , hoping to score on some good deals from ignorant parents ) . I ended up picking up a copy of Pokemon Stadium , Goldeneye ( fuck yeah ) , F - Zero , and two other controllers for two dollars . Satisfied , I began to drive out of the neighborhood when one last house caught my attention . I still have no idea why it did , there were no cars there and only one table was set up with random junk on it , but something sort of drew me there . I usually trust my gut on these things so I got out of the car and I was greeted by an old man . His outward appearance was , for lack of a better word , displeasing . It was odd , if you asked me to tell you why I thought he was displeasing , I couldn 't really pinpoint anything - there was just something about him that put me on edge , I can 't explain it . All I can tell you is that if it wasn 't in the middle of the afternoon and there were other people within shouting distance , I would not have even thought of approaching this man . He flashed a crooked smiled at me and asked what I was looking for , and immediately I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes ; his right eye hadBarbie . avi It all started at my friend 's party . He 's an artist who rented out a loft in the industrial part of town . If you can picture what a place like Detroit looked like in the 1920s - that 's what this area looks like . A bunch of old turn - of - the - century factories crammed into ten blocks . So I partied a little too hard that night and decided to crash on a couch at the loft . I woke up at around 4 am , the sun wasn 't out yet but you could still make things out in the dim blue light . I went to the bathroom , carefully tiptoeing around the people that were passed out on the floor . As I was taking a piss I tiptoed to look out the bathroom window and I saw the panorama of deserted urban decay . So I went back to the couch and tried to fall asleep . After 45 minutes of staring at the ceiling I decided I didn 't want to be there any longer , so I swallowed my pride and decided to wake my girlfriend up to beg her for a ride , since walking around the vacant streets at this time was not an option . Being an awesome girlfriend , she was totally cool with it , and told me she would be there in about a half - hour and that she would give me a call when she was outside . My phone died ten minutes later so I decide I would sit by the window and watch for her car . I sat there for a while and my eyes started getting heavy and I began to doze off . A crashing noise outside woke me up . It wasn 't loud , but just enough to snap me into reality . I looked out the window and scanned the area , but didn 't see anything . Across the street from the loft near a mountain of garbage bags and one of those enormous dumpsters I see a computer and a monitor smashed against the floor that hadn 't been there before . When my girlfriend arrived I went downstairs and greeted her . Just as I was about to get in the car , I remembered a friend of mine who had blown out his power supply . So I decided to walk over to the dumpster and see what I could salvage . The monitor was worthless , but the tower seemed to have suffered almost no damage , so I put it in the trunk and we drove off . About a week had passed and I had completely forgotten about the tower until my girlfriend called to let me know that it was still in the trunk and that she wanted it out . That night I brought it home . Before I took it apart I decided to hook it up to my monitor to see if it still ran , and to my surprise it did . It ran Windows XP and it looked like it had been wiped clean . I decided to do searches for words like " tits " and " pussy " in hopes of finding some secret stash full of weird deviant porn the previous owner had forgotten about . Morbid curiosity , I guess . Search came up nothing . Searched for picture Files - nothing . Then I searched for movies and one file came up . It was an . avi inside a folder titled " barbie " hidden in the WINDOWS / system32 directory . The movie was about an hour long , and was made up of what seemed like raw exported footage . The footage was of this woman sitting on a chair and talking against a white backdrop . I skipped through most of movie and it was all the same continuous shot . Then I decided to sit though the footage to find out what she was talking about . Fifteen seconds into the footage the audio goes completely bad and her voice is drowned in harsh static / background noise . I couldn 't make out a thing . So I imported the footage into final cut and tried to mess with the levels to isolate her voice . It helped a little , but I still couldn 't hear what she was saying . I was intrigued now , and I began to really pay attention to her face and body language . It seems that she 's being asked some kind of questions , because she stops at times to listen , and then continues talking . About 15 minutes into the footage , her face begins to redden and contort as if the questions are bothering her … But she continues to answer them anyway . Shortly after she begins to cry . She sobs hysterically for the duration of the film . One of the few words I could lip - read was " skin " . She repeats this word many times throughout the footage and at one point she even pulls at the skin from her arm and mouths the word . She seems to be unhappy with her skin . There is much more I have to get off my chest , but it is getting late and I can 't go on . I will share the rest tomorrow . God save my soul . It kept on building and building , and about 40 minutes in she 's crying so hard she can barely look at the camera . She stops talking at this point and the rest of the footage is just her crying with her head down . Oddly enough she doesn 't get up or move , the screen just fades to black . I played the whole thing through many times that night , trying to find inflections and nuances in her movement that would reveal anything else about what was going on . I felt so dissatisfied , I wanted to know more . That 's when I noticed that there was about 10 more minutes left on the timeline after the screen went black , and about 2 minutes in there was more footage . The footage was extremely shaky , almost unwatchable , and depicted a pair of legs walking along train tracks . my guess is that camera was accidentally left on as it was being carried somewhere . The person in this footage walks along the train tracks for about 6 minutes and then turns into the forest and walks over what looked like foliage flattened by a piece of plywood . The person continues on this makeshift plywood road until the movie clip ends . I called up my friend Ezra ; he 's 6 ' 4 250 pounds of mostly muscle . I convinced him to go on a little adventure with me . I 'm no pushover myself , but I felt if was to go wandering in the woods looking for god knows what , extra muscle couldn 't hurt . This whole idea of investigating this video had me so excited I couldn 't sleep . The next morning on a sunny Saturday , I took my flashlight , my camera , and my 7 inch ka - bar with a matte black finish and serrated edge and went to pick up Ezra . When I got to his house he wasn 't even awake . When I woke him he pretty much told me to fuck off . I was already packed and I had mentally prepared myself to do this so I decided to go through with it without him . I parked my car at the train station , took my stuff , and hopped onto the tracks . I walked slowly along the trail , paying close attention to everything . I would stop occasionally , kneel down , and listen for anything or anyone … but it was so quiet . This was one of the most nerve - racking things I 've ever done . I didn 't know what to expect at the end of this trail . The dense tree line gave way into a little island of grassy field , and then I saw it , a house being consumed by the forest . From the looks of it no one had lived there for 20 , maybe 30 years . I got my camera and snapped a few pics . A few yards away from the house was a tool shed made of rusty sheet metal . I just sat there among the trees for a while , absorbing everything . It took me a while to muster the courage to up to the house . The door was partly opened . I pushed it in with the flashlight and was relieved that the inside was actually very well - lit . I put my flashlight away , got my camera and took a few more pics . There was no furniture . The floor was riddled with bricks and wood and rubble , and some of the walls had huge holes in them . When I went in further to explore , I saw some things that I didn 't pay much mind to in that moment , but now that I think about them in hindsight , they greatly disturb me . The first thing that seemed a little odd was that one of the doors in the first room , that I presumed led to the basement , seemed a little too new to be in this house . It was also the only door in the house that was locked . Also , when I made my way up to the second floor , I saw some chairs and a fold - up table that also seemed a little too new to be there . But what disturbed me the most for some reason , was the bathroom . The dust on the mirror had been wiped away , and in the bathtub , I saw a clear plastic tarp that still had water droplets on it from , when I presume , it was washed clean . That 's when I heard something moan really loud , and that 's when I jumped the fuck out of the second story window and ran back to the tracks . neighbors . " Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard . " Well , " said Jeff 's mom , " I 'm Margaret , and this is my his family are done packing , Jeff went up to his mom . " Mom , why would you invite us to some kid 's party ? If you haven 't than Jeff . He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans . " Well , well , well . It looks like we got some new meat . " Suddenly , Liu gestured him to sit down . Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid . " Listen here you little punk , give back my bro 's wallet or else . " Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife . " Oh ? And what will you do ? " Just as he finished the sentence , Jeff gaze fell to the floor , showing his mother that it was true . " Mom , they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu . " " Son , " said one of the cops , " We found three kids , two because truth be told they were . So Jeff couldn 't defend himself or Liu . " Son , call down your brother . " Jeff couldn 't do it , since it was they both nod . " Well kid , looks like a year in Juvy . . . " " Wait ! " says Liu . They all looked up to see him holding a knife . away . " The police led Liu out to the patrol car . " Liu , tell them it was me ! Tell them ! I was the one who beat up those kids ! " Jeff 's mother put her hands on his shoulders . " Jeff please , you don 't have to lie . We know it 's Liu , you can is woke up by his mother , with a happy , sunshiny face . " Jeff , it 's the day . " she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room . " What , what 's today ? " asked Jeff as he stirs awake . " Why , it 's Billy 's party . " He was now fully awake . " Mom , you 're joking , right ? You don 't expect me to go to some kid 's to a kid 's party ? " Son , is that all your going to wear ? " said Jeff 's mom . " Better than wearing too much . " he said . His mother pushed down his room . " I don 't have any fancy clothes ! " he yelled down stairs . " Just pick out something . " called his mother . He looked around in toy gun and hat . " Hey . Wanna pway ? " he said . " Ah , no kid . I 'm way too old for this stuff . " The kid looked at crap out of you , and you get my brother sent to JDC . " Randy got an angry look in his eyes . " Oh no , I don 't go for even , I go the ground . Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door . Troy grabbed him . " Need some help ? " He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and Jeff 's head . " Fight ! " He throws Jeff back into the living room . " Come on Jeff , look at me ! " Jeff glances up , his face riddled with gushes from Randy 's body , until he takes one final breath , and dies . Everyone is looking at Jeff now . The parents , the crying kids , even Troy and when he tried to get up it fell out , and a nurse rushed in . " I don 't think you can get out of bed just yet . " she said as she out by tomorrow , and then you two will be able to be together again . " Jeff 's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes . The next couple of weeks were cloth ; letting the rest fall from Jeff 's face . Jeff 's mother screams at the sight of his face . Liu and Jeff 's dad stare feel to it now . He looked back at his family then back at the mirror . " Jeff , " said Liu , " It 's not that bad . . . . " " Not that bad ? " said Jeff , " It 's perfect ! " His family noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching . " Uh . . . Jeff , are you okay ? " " Okay ? I 've never felt more happy ! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa , look at me . knife and carved a smile into his cheeks . " Jeff , what are you doing ? " asked his mother . Jeff looked over to his mother . " I couldn 't keep smiling mommy . It hurt in black . " Jeff , your eyes ! " His eyes were seemingly never closing . " I couldn 't see my face . I got tired and my eyes started to close . I " What 's wrong mommy ? Aren 't I beautiful ? " Yes son , " she said , " Yes you are . L - let me go get daddy , so

I really hate my father , and I try not to think about him most of the time , but there have been moments when I 'm laughing and see my smile in the mirror , and when I smile I look exactly like him . And then my face will fall when I see the resemblance . And I 'll feel him underneath my skin , clawing and trying to get out , like a demon who 's possessed me , but he 's running in my blood and I can 't get him out . The only thing you can try to do is make peace with it . There can 't be peace between my dad and me , so the best I can do is try not to hate him . It hasn 't worked yet , and I don 't know if hating does more harm than good for me . But sometimes hating him sustains me , and sometimes it hurts . I fantasize all the time about punching him in the face , about him coming up to me one day when I 'm successful and I look him in the eye and tell him what a loathsome creature he is . We 're never big enough to house the crowd . The people who 've affected us , the good and the bad , live inside of us . Our love for them or our hate for them , both will keep them alive . They hurt us and they leave wounds , or they pierce us with love and they leave wounds , and either way we try and stitch the wounds up , but we let them in and the stitches pull apart . Jack , or Greg , or whoever it is , he lives inside of us , and haunts us . I look in the mirror and see his face , and I know that I 'm capable of the same evil he is , that I inherited his curse , his power , his intellect , his wickedness . I know that I can become the monster he is . When I was a baby , my father stood over my crib , and he said to my grandmother that when he saw me laying there , so vulnerable and innocent , he wanted to hurt me , the same way his father hurt him . I think it was a brave thing for him to admit . I wish he had been brave enough to keep admitting the things he was afraid of . When my dad was a young child , his father held him over a cooking grill and lowered his little feet onto the coals and burned them . His father put cigarettes out on his head . Is it any wonder he became a monster ? Usually I hate him , usually I 'm mad at him . My Jack was hurt by his Jack , and his Jack was probably hurt too . If I have a child , will I become Jack ? Will I break them ? Can I be trusted ? Can I trust myself ? Some days I 'm half Jack , sometimes I 'm only a quarter , some days he 's barely noticeable . I want to exorcise him . I want to get him out . But he 's always going to be there . And my body feels like an unclean temple , an unsafe place with no peace or privacy . If I washed him out , would I still be myself ? Is it better to cleanse ourselves of wickedness and lose the wickedness within us , to be empty even if what we 're missing in the darkness ? Or do I make peace with it , do I forgive him , do I choose to love him because it 's the hardest thing to do , and it 's the bravest thing to do , and I can be brave where he was not ? I won 't say it to him . But right now , I love you . I 'm choosing to love you because it 's the only way I can keep from being destroyed by you , dad . And I 'm sorry for you . I 'm sorry for what you 've suffered . I 'm sorry that you probably suffer now for what you did to me . I 'm sorry that you destroyed me . I 'm sorry even though I 'm your victim . I 'm halfway home . I hope that home is love and safety . I hope that home is hope . I hope that home is a baby lying in a crib , and a Jack who doesn 't want to hurt him . Like my father , there 's a part of me that wants to consume and destroy everything . It 's the curse he passed down to me . It 's the black hole inside me that wants to absorb and rip apart everything I touch . I have to be brave . I have to admit it . I can 't be afraid like my father was . I have to admit it so I can overcome it . Brave enough to get this out . Brave enough to love . It starts with loving you , and then I can love myself because I 'm not angry at you anymore . Loving you is not a one - time thing . It 's a journey . It 's a path toward forgiveness . I have not reached the end of that path . I don 't even know if I 'm at the beginning . I don 't know if I 'm halfway home . 29Dec2016 Patron Blog # 5 : Watching My Every Sound Posted in Patron Blog by Jesse Colton It 's been a bad few days . Come to think of it there are many ways in which it 's been an altogether bad few months , I would be tempted to say 2016 was a bad year like everyone else has been saying , and no doubt much of it has sucked . But I did spend the majority of the year in a safe home , even if I just couldn 't make it work in the end . The depression has been REALLY bad for the past week or so . About a week ago I spent several hours sitting on my bed , listening to some of my favorite sad songs in Audacity , slowing them down to play at 0 . 70x speed . There was this hot pain in my chest and stomach , and I wondered if I was going to be sick . It was grief that I felt . I don 't know what I was feeling grief for . Maybe for my hope . Maybe for my life in Delaware . Maybe that in the end I 'm back here , jobless and living with my mom , with no goals in sight . I thought about college and how I never got to live my dreams there . I never got to live in a dorm room with a roommate who shared the same room , and do all those silly roommate things , and become friends with him . I never got to make lots of friends and be part of big groups wrapped in blankets watching movies in the dark . I never got to have dramatic breakups with boys on campus , and fuck three guys at once while trying to keep it down in our room . I never got to go to class in my pajamas , to stay up studying . I just … sat here . Sat here and got fat and got diabetes , and my testosterone dropped to dangerous levels and my viatmin D failed me , and my depression got deeper , and the depression meds made my hard cock go soft , and my eyes drooped and fell , and I sank and sank and sank . Sank into mud , into the earth , into a warm well of sadness and sat at the bottom and looked up defeatedly at the sky above . I 've tried to write . I 've failed the last couple of days . I mean , I wrote . It 's not even that bad . But the inspiration wasn 't there . I waited too long to write . I keep trying to push through but there 's so little to work with there . I can write the scenes just fine when I 'm speaking them aloud to myself in the shower . But on the screen when I type … I don 't know . I just don 't know . I don 't know about anything . I got angry at my sister and slammed on my breaks in the middle of the road and told her she could shut the fuck up or get out of the car . I was so ashamed of myself for pulling such a white trash move . I felt like my mother . ( The following is a VERY detailed account of my relationship with my ex - boyfriend . I started this post attempting to talk about how I ended up living here in Delaware , and explaining what happened up to this point . I decided that the best place to start was with my breakup a couple of years ago , but that accidentally turned into a flashback and , well , I basically went through the entire thing . If you 'd like to read a very personal account of my experience trying to make a monogamous relationship work while dealing with anxiety , panic attacks , obsessive compulsive disorder , and a discussion of emotional and physical abuse in relationships , plus some explorations of family and death , feel free to read . I wrote this to help myself , to reflect on the past , and to help myself move forward toward the future . If you want to know more , you 're welcome to read . ) We met under weird circumstances : I had moved to Georgia with my family , and he was going to college an hour away from where I lived . We met online and I went to see him in the middle of the night , where we made out and had sex until the sun rose , at which point we sleepily headed over to his college 's music building where I got to play several pianos and a harpsichord . I spent a couple of days with him and started to feel immediately overwhelmed . I have this problem with getting into relationships . Most people have a " honeymoon " phase at the beginning of their relationships , and I 've experienced that , but the beginning of a relationship is always an incredibly stressful time . I experience something akin to deep grief , or loss . Connecting with a new person makes me feel incredibly vulnerable , but it also makes me feel that the foundation of my life has been pulled out from under me , and I 'm caught in a rushing torrent with no one to hold on to but this new person , who I 'm enamored with but who I have no trust built up with . I always experience panic attacks , intense anxiety , dread , fear , and often get emotional and start crying a lot . This is a problem that I didn 't really start to notice until after the relationship started . It 's a pattern that 's followed me through almost every romantic relationship I 've ever had . The beginning of a relationship is fraught with panic and anxiety equal to or greater than the excitement and joy of being with a new person . This time was no different . By the way , about this person 's name . He is my ex - boyfriend , and we 're still friends today , but truthfully the details of our relationship would be painful for either of us to reflect on in their entirety . For the purposes of not dragging him through the mud ( I want to tell the truth but the truth doesn 't reflect well on either of us ) , I 'm going to give him the pseudonym Guy . Because he 's a guy . I 've said his name before , but for the purposes of this story , his name is Guy . Guy and I spent the weekend playing video games ( I was immediately attracted to the fact that he loved Sonic the Hedgehog and had a collection of just about every game ) , did a lot of fooling around and kissing , watching movies , and of course , more sex . Because that 's what you do in the beginning . But I kept feeling overwhelmed by this unbearable dread . A few things started happening all at once : First , my OCD kicked into high gear . And I mean ACTUAL Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , the kind you can be diagnosed with ( and I was , as a child ) , the kind where you have to blink your eyes an odd interval of times or else you 'll be overcome by panic . Whenever I get into a new relationship , I suddenly have this urge to be COMPLETELY honest with the new person I 'm dating . And I mean entirely . Brutally , painfully honest . Like , it 's hurtful , for both of us . If I feel that I 'm not entirely physically attracted to the new guy , I 'll feel the need to tell him , or else I 'll feel that I 'm hiding it from him . Consequently , I start blurting out a lot of confused feelings all at once . " I 'm not sure I 'm entirely attracted to you , I mean I am , but like , just not sure how much . But it doesn 't change anything . I just wanted to be honest . But I don 't want to hurt your feelings . Oh god now I 've hurt your feelings . I 'm sorry I shouldn 't have said anything . It 's just that I 'm not sure how attracted to you I am , I mean I am in some ways but not in others , but it doesn 't mean , well , what I 'm saying is … " You can see how embarrassing and uncomfortable this is for both of us . Well , it was like that EVERY day , multiple times a day . And frankly , if I were him I 'd have dumped me right there because that much emotional need is too much for anyone to handle . I am not going into this story under any illusions that I was a blameless angel . But the thing is , it wasn 't like I was TRYING to be hurtful toward him . It 's just that my fun array of mental disorders all started coming out all at once , and I was unable to keep any of them in check , so I was word - vomiting my every feeling , no matter how good or bad , and I was caught in a continual state of confusion . And that 's the second thing : the confusion . Getting into a new relationship is an incredibly upsetting experience for me , because I have problems with commitment . And I don 't mean like in television when you hear a woman say that a guy " has commitment issues , " and just wants to be single , I mean that I literally cannot exist happily in a monogamous relationship . Again , this is something I did not know about myself at the time , and I had to learn the hard way . The absolute pressure of agreeing to be someone 's boyfriend is unbearable for me , the seriousness and weight of the decision is equivalent to agreeing to marry someone . Imagine agreeing to marry someone a day after you first met them . Think of how pressured and afraid and in way over your head you would feel . Alright , now multiply that by a few degrees , and you 'll have an idea of how I was feeling . I knew he wanted to be my boyfriend . I knew I was considering being his boyfriend . But the confusion kept bouncing around inside my head , each question tinged with red hot panic welling up inside my chest and burning my neck : " Am I ready to be his boyfriend ? If we 're boyfriends that means I can 't see anyone else . What if I don 't love him ? It 's too early to know if I love him , but what if I don 't FALL in love with him ? How will I get out of this ? I 'll have to break his heart . I don 't want to break his heart . I should just do it and see what happens . But I 'm not ready to do it and see what happens . But am I leading him on ? What happens if I say no ? Will I regret it ? Should I just run away and cut off all contact ? Let 's just try and enjoy this moment . But I can 't , the more I enjoy it the more pressure I feel . I wish I 'd never come here , this is too much pressure . Why can 't I just be happy ? " All he wanted to do was give me a chance and try dating me . And for me , that was the equivalent of him asking me to marry him and move to another country tomorrow . It isn 't his fault that it happened , and that he had to deal with what frankly was probably emotional abuse from me , because of my anxiety . And it isn 't my fault either , I tried everything that I could to stop the raging tumult of emotions , but they just wouldn 't stop , and the only thing that helped was to talk about it out loud . I 'm going to digress from the story about Guy for a moment to explain why I was acting this way . A big part of why this was happening was that I 'd recently had a succession of very quick , failed relationships . I met a guy who seemed pretty cool , then immediately lost interest when I saw what he looked like . I felt terrible about myself for this : how could I be so shallow ? He was a nice person , we had a lot in common , and I was gonna bail on him because I didn 't think he was very good - looking ? I decided I was being ridiculous and went out on a date with him anyway , which ended in us more or less having sex . Afterward I felt even WORSE . Now I had an emotional attachment to him but I STILL didn 't think he was attractive and it was a HUGE problem for me . What did I do now ? I went back and forth , from hour to hour , from minute to minute . The intense emotional anxiety of that time is , to this day , the worst stress I 've ever experienced in my life . It last about three weeks , and for those three weeks I could not sleep , I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit , I was assailed at all times by relentless panic . Ultimately I ended this brief almost - relationship and collapsed into a mess of emotions right in front of him , putting this poor guy in the awkward situation of comforting ME for breaking up with HIM , for the express reason that I just found him too unattractive . What a horrible thing I did to this guy . And I 'm not here to make excuses for it , I probably scarred that guy in a way that can 't ever really be healed , but I didn 't mean to do it , it was a product of my anxiety , and my deep inability to connect with or trust other people . After that incident there was another guy , who by the way was a good deal more attractive , and believe me I felt like a pig for even bothering to make a judgement on it , but even though we seemed to get along well I just couldn 't bring myself to agree to be his boyfriend , despite spending a lot of time together and having sex and generally doing things that couples do in the early stages . Finally I just couldn 't do it and had to call it off with him , and I found myself getting dressed for work while crying hysterically , and going in to work holding back tears all day . It was unbearable . And I just thought , " Is this what every relationship is going to be like for the rest of my life ? Do I demand perfection from everyone ? Am I even CAPABLE of feeling love ? " At first , I just told him flat out we couldn 't be boyfriends , I just couldn 't do it . He was very understanding . He did something very sweet . He said , " How about for this weekend , and just for this weekend , we be boyfriends ? Just for two days . And there 's no pressure , and we can just have fun and enjoy ourselves , and when you leave you don 't ever have to talk to me again if you don 't want to . " I did it . We spent the weekend together . We went out to dinner . I cried a lot . I cried because I was so sorry for doing this to him . He held me . He told me it was okay . He kissed me and promised me I didn 't have to worry . He said all he cared about was that I was happy . When it was time to leave , I told him I just wasn 't going to call him again . In order for me to get back to normal I had to completely cut off contact from him . He said he understood . I made it home , relieved . Now that I was relieved from the pressure I had a chance to reflect , and I kept thinking to myself " Look at all that this guy did for me . He could have been a great potential boyfriend . Hell , with patience like , he might be husband material some day . And I 'm just going to throw him away ? " I found myself sitting in my truck , and I knew I 'd made a terrible mistake . I cried . I cried a lot . Finally I called him and told him I was sorry , that I didn 't want to cut him out . He understandably didn 't know where this put us as far as the friend / boyfriend barrier was concerned , but he assured me all he wanted was for me to be happy , even if that meant it wasn 't with him . I kept apologizing to him for how fucked up I was , how I was so unable to love or care about someone without all this emotional weight pressing down on me . He told me he didn 't mind . I kept saying I was sorry for being crazy . He would smile and say he liked me just how I was , even if I was crazy . Things went back and forth some more . I would hint at being his boyfriend , then take it back . I went to visit him again , but there was no conclusion reached about where we stood . Although that didn 't stop us from having sex . After a couple of weeks we were meeting for what was probably the third time and he finally just put it to me straight : I want you to be my boyfriend . I didn 't know what to do . I told him about my doubts and my confusion , my inability to overcome the intense anxiety attached to being in a relationship . He told me he didn 't care , and that he just wanted me to give him a chance . He said that if it didn 't work out , it didn 't work out , but I owed it to myself to at least try . If either of us had been older and more mature we may have realized some things . Firstly , he might have realized that I was an emotionally dependent basket case , and that no matter how much he tried he was never going to fix me . I don 't think he WANTED to fix me , but my behavior toward him was emotional abuse , I was playing with his feelings even if I didn 't mean to . I was battling my own demons , but he was caught in the crossfire . However , I don 't think his desire to be with me anyway came from being young and naive , I think it came from the fact that he 's just a caring person who wanted to love me despite my flaws . He didn 't care that I was impossible to please , he just wanted to give it a chance with me . Now , if I had been older and more mature I would have realized that giving the relationship a try might have been possible without the anxiety if only we agreed that it wasn 't monogamous , because I simply cannot cope with that relationship structure , or handle the rigorous pressure I feel when in a monogamous relationship . I might also have been better at containing my emotions and not word - vomiting all my feelings , both positive and negative , all over him . I might also have been wise enough to realize that I just WASN ' T READY for a serious relationship . He made the bold choice of telling me he loved me , right after I agreed to be his boyfriend . Tentatively , I said it back . The words had a hollow ring of dishonesty to them that didn 't sit well with me , because I didn 't think I was capable of loving him yet . But I certainly felt something , and it was strong . The next couple of months were intense . We were with another almost every day . Which is difficult to do when you live hours apart from another . Here 's how we did it : I would go to his school when I had days off from work , and when school was finished he ended up going home to his family . Because he had no obligations over the summer , I 'd bring him back to my house with me , and he would stay in my room , which was a camper in my mother 's back yard . He 'd sleep during the day when I was at work , and when I had a day off , I 'd take him the two hours to his parents house and stay with him there until it was time to go back to work , at which point he 'd come back home with me . This continued for about two months , and though there were a few times when we were apart , we ended up spending most of our time together . Finally my mother decided she was moving back to North Carolina . I had no intention of going back with her , both because living with her was miserable and because I didn 't want to leave Guy . Guy suggested that I ask his parents if I could stay with them over the summer and look for a job in his hometown , and in the meantime he would quit school and look for a job too , so we could find a place together . Here 's the funny thing : his parents MUST have known we were boyfriends . They knew he was gay , anyone can tell that I 'm gay after just talking to me for a few minutes ( one of my best friends once made the hilarious observation that " even blind and deaf people know you 're gay " ) , and we were obviously spending every waking moment together . In addition to that , I 'd be staying in his room and sleeping in his bed with him . They HAVE to have known we were dating . But they just never said anything about it . Neither did we . There was a reason for this . Guy had told me that his parents had been a little uncomfortable when he let them know he was gay ; apparently his father had accepted it pretty easily but his mother didn 't like it , and felt very uncomfortable about it . Because of this , Guy didn 't know if his parents would have a problem with a guy who he was clearly dating moving into their house , but they didn 't seem to mind . And it was never mentioned . It was quietly acknowledged without words . Guy and I spent every moment together , we just made an effort not to hold hands or do anything too affectionate in front of his parents . Guy 's sister knew we were together , and once told me " I don 't mind if someone 's gay but I don 't want to see ' em kissing on each other and stuff . " You might thing that sounds homophobic , and well , you 'd be entirely right . But this was in Georgia , and his family were from a small town in the mountains , so that 's about the closest you 're going to get to gay acceptance . She really meant no harm . People who are ignorant about their own homophobia don 't realize when they 're being homophobic , and don 't know how much their words can hurt . I did take pleasure in getting her back though : a little later on we were at her house and she had Guy in the kitchen , trimming his hair with an electric razor , and she tried to make a joke by asking him " Are your pubes all bright blonde like your head or are they dark ? " I called out from the other room , " They 're dark ! " To which he burst into laughter and she let loose a disgusted sigh . Take that . Living with Guy 's parents was , to put it mildly , an experience . Both of them were getting older , and both of them had very serious health concerns . Guy 's dad had had a stroke , and was nearly immobile , confined to his recliner most of the day , using an oxygen machine to help him breathe at night . He was a great guy , though . He loved science fiction and had a big collection of Star Wars novels , and spent a considerable amount of time watching every series of Star Trek on Netflix . Guy 's mother , who I was at first afraid of because of the fact that she hadn 't taken Guy 's coming out well , was incredibly kind to me . I once took the initiative of giving her a foot rub when her feet were hurting , and it quickly became my occupation , so she would every now and then call out to me from the other room to come and rub her feet . His parents shared everything with me , I was allowed to have any food in the house that Guy could have , and even though the sodas hidden in the kitchen cabinet were theirs , they shared them with me often , or didn 't chastise me when I snuck in at night and grabbed some . One night I was washing the dishes and Guy 's mother came up to me and hugged me , and thanked me for doing the dishes and for being so helpful . I was a little surprised , and told her I was happy to help . She looked at me and smiled , and she said , " You know , you 're my son too . " I was their son , too . And they didn 't just say it , they treated me exactly the same as Guy . I was given the same amount of privilege and responsibility . And not ONCE did they ask me for rent . And they had every reason to , not the least of which being that I lived there for nearly six months and never paid a dime . Why didn 't I pay anything ? Well , the short answer is that Guy and I couldn 't find jobs . The more honest answer is that we didn 't really want to . We slept every day until late in the afternoon , and put in job applications online only sparingly . We went job hunting every now and then but truthfully we didn 't put much effort into it , and a consequence we remained unemployed . My mother would send me twenty dollars or so every now and then and we would use the money to go Taco Bell late at night . Taco Bell was great because we were poor . Guy 's parents got disability checks once a month , but most of it had to be used to pay bills on the house , which was actually a small trailer that was falling apart at the seems . The electricity cut out if too many things were plugged in at once , there were mountains of garbage behind the house , stinking and covered with maggots , because Guy 's parents simply couldn 't hall it all off to the dump and there was no one to do it for them . So Guy and I began to slowly , over the course of several months , chip away at the piles of garbage by loading them into my truck bed and taking them to the dump . It wasn 't just bags of garbage but old furniture , big bulky stuff that was difficult to get rid of . The grass was entirely overgrown because it hadn 't been moved in a very long time . We helped out with that , borrowing a lawn mower from Guy 's brother and trying to get the grass cut down to size . There were several cats in the house . One of them was very old , one of them was just fine although he was incredibly fat , and one of them was sick . The sick one died . Guy 's parents noticed it had crawled behind one of the living room recliners and just died there . They asked us to clean it up . I didn 't want to touch anything dead , but there was no one else to do the job apart from Guy and myself , so I started digging the hole . I lost my cool in the yard . His parents were very difficult to live with , asking us to do all the cleaning , to take care of everything that had to be done , often making Guy cook us dinner with what small amount of food we had , and when they did get their disability checks they refused to buy groceries , instead sending us out to pick up pizza for a week at a time until they were completely broke and we had to borrow money for bread and peanut butter until the next month . Looking back on it , I can see that I was being ungrateful , because despite the fact that we were poor and had very little food , they still hadn 't asked me for a penny , not even SUGGESTED it . And I actually HAD found a job , at Sears , and quit on the second day because I hated it . And they had said it was alright , and hadn 't asked me for any money at all . In retrospect I wasn 't really mad at Guy 's parents , although their stubbornness at NEVER grocery shopping and wasting all of their money on fast food and cigarettes had a negative impact on all of us . But really , I was mad at the situation . I didn 't have any anxiety medication ( I 'd started a year before but had to quit when I lost my insurance ) , I was having panic attacks , Guy and I were beginning to fight a lot . We would sometimes get into screaming matches , and we lived in VERY close quarters . Our entire living space was his bedroom , most of which was taken up by his bed . There was nowhere to walk to and no gas to drive anywhere , so we were stuck with one another at all times . Most of the time that was alright . Other times it was incredibly difficult . Both of us were losing weight from how little we had to eat , and I became very aware of the fact that I was in a hopeless situation . It was doubtful that I would find a job close enough to justify the gas money needed to drive there , much less hold down a job because of my anxiety . Guy and I had a lot in common , but something felt off about our relationship . Still , something ALWAYS felt off when I was in any relationship so I just started to accept that that was an inevitable feeling for me . One thing I do miss is having sex with him . Even now , I still miss it . As we grew closer , I started to find him really attractive , as opposed to in the beginning when I kept honing in on any imperfection about him . I started to really love his body , his lips , the way he kissed , how warm he was at night when it was cold . I really loved being close to him , I loved trying things out with him ( in the beginning of our relationship he 'd been the bottom and I 'd been the top , he became convinced that he was a top now but we could never really make that work ) . I watched a lot of porn and don 't get me wrong , I was still craving sex with someone new , like I always do when I 'm in an agreement to only have sex with one person , but I began to feel really attracted to him , and the more that happened , the less I worried . Knowing that I found him sexy meant that one of the fundamental reasons a past relationship had failed and this relationship had started rocky was now overcome . I made a point of telling him often how beautiful I thought he was , in an effort to make up for how I 'd hurt him in the beginning by telling him that I thought he was unattractive . That 's something that still bothers me to this day . I know that the reason I did was because I was having an anxiety attack and my OCD made me blurt out every thought , but I see now how much I must have hurt him , made him feel unattractive , and inflicted an emotional wound on him . If you 're reading this , Guy , I 'm sorry . I really am . I didn 't know what I was doing . Eventually , something had to change . My mother was asking me to come live with her in South Carolina , but I refused to come unless Guy could come with me . For religiously bigoted reasons , she didn 't want a gay couple in her house . She thought that not only was it " inappropriate " and " sinful " for us to live together , much less sleep in the same room , but that it would have a negative impact on my little sister , who was about eight at the time . Basically what she was implying was that having us around might turn my little sister gay , or at the very least , instill in her the distasteful idea that gay people were allowed to be together , live together , and that gay love was alright . You can perhaps see why I had no desire of ever returning to my mother 's house . No really , the hunger was driving me crazy . I would get incredibly angry very easily , because I just didn 't have food . For weeks at a time , the only food we had would be bread and peanut butter , and when that ran out , cans of green beans or some frozen chicken that had to be thawed , cooked without any seasoning , and eaten as it was . Sometimes there was ramen . I hate ramen , by the way . I was just so freaking hungry , and whenever I had two dollars to rub together I 'd go immediately to Taco Bell , but then of course there 's the fact that Guy and I were together at all times , so if one of us was eating , so was the other . This was fine except it meant that in addition to being so poor we hardly had any money to eat , we had to have double the money needed just to go through a drive through and get something . And we couldn 't get something like pizza , because that was too difficult to hide from his parents , who would have undoubtedly asked for food as well if they knew we were going to get it , which is why we usually went to Taco Bell at three in the morning and hid the bags in our trash can . I was too hasty in my desire to leave . I wanted to go home , I wanted to be near places I recognized , I wanted to have my own family to rely on the way Guy had his , and I wanted to have a chance to get a job and start really working on getting a place with Guy . His parents were sad , but truthfully they were being evicted and had to move out anyway , and they were going to be moving in with Guy 's sister , who had no room for us . We had to leave , one way or another . On the last day , after we 'd packed up the truck , Guy 's mom hugged us both , and told Guy that he could come back any time he needed to . Tentatively I asked , " What about me ? If things don 't work out , can I come back , too ? " She seemed genuinely shocked that I would ask . " Of course ! " she said . I 'm going to skip ahead a little to tell you that Guy 's mom died a year later . We were living with a roommate by then , and had driven down to Georgia to see her in the hospital . When she 'd woken up briefly to talk to everyone , she asked , " Where are [ Guy ] and Jesse ? " She asked for her son , and asked for me too , even though she 'd only known me for a year or so , but she considered Guy and I a unit . She knew where one of us was , the other was nearby . She had never actually acknowledged , at least in front of us , that we were a couple , but for all I know she may have just felt awkward about it , and thought we didn 't want to talk about it in front of them as much as they didn 't want to talk about it in front of us . But this woman was on her deathbed , and she thought to ask where I , of all people , was . Guy was there , I wasn 't at the hospital at that time , so the second time she woke up , I was there in the room , and she smiled at me and did something that I still find really incredible . Y ' all is of course the southern way of saying " the two of you , " but it was really important that she addressed us together . She was dying , she had to know she was dying , and this was literally the last time she ever spoke to her children . And she didn 't tell Guy , " I love you , " she told Guy and his boyfriend , " I love y ' all . " " You 've been better to me in a short time than my own mother ever has . You 've treated me with love , no matter what , and taken care of me when you didn 't have to . You gave me a home when I needed one , and you told me I was your son , too . Well , you 're my mother , too . In a year you 've shown me more love and kindness than my own mother ever has . " We had already made the journey back home when Guy got the call that she 'd passed away . We went back to Georgia for her funeral . I was mostly silent , I didn 't know what to say . I did walk out of her funeral service , though , because the preacher was some insane fire - and - brimstone preacher who took this opportunity of a woman 's DEATH to start preaching about Jesus and telling everyone in the room that they 'd go to hell if they didn 't believe . He was turning purple and stomping his feet so hard that her coffin ACTUALLY started to shake . I could take it no more and went outside . His family wasn 't mad at me , Guy 's sister laughed and said that I just wasn 't used to " that kind of preaching . " Sadly , I HAD seen that kind of preaching before , and it sickened me , but it sickened me even more so that this awful man used a woman 's death to take advantage of her grieving family to push his idea of salvation on them . But that 's another topic for another day . Guy gathered some things from his childhood possessions . One of them was an assignment he 'd done in Kindergarten , where the students had to fill in the blanks talking about their mother . " My mother is as pretty as ______,” " I love my mom like I love _____,” " My mom 's favorite food is _____ . " For the record , is answer to the first one was " My mother is as pretty as a bird , " which is about the most fucking adorable thing I 've ever heard . He put it into her casket and she was buried with it . When we got home , there was a photograph of Guy 's mom , it was not an incredibly flattering picture , just her standing in the kitchen with her mouth open , looking surprised to have had her picture taken . But he framed it and put it on the wall . I still have it . It 's sitting on my desk . It travels around my room to different perches . It 's not that I had an incredibly emotional attachment to Guy 's mother , it 's not that her death caused me profound sadness . And I don 't say that to be insensitive , it 's just that I am terrified of death so I purposely maintain an emotional wall between myself and everyone save a few select people . Guy is one of the people whose death would devastate me , and whose death I continue to fear . Maybe one day I 'll overcome my fear of death , but regardless , I felt a little odd keeping Guy 's moms picture . I didn 't know if he 'd left it behind when we broke up on purpose , or just forgotten it amidst all the other stuff in our room . But I kept it , and though it sometimes hides in a dresser drawer ( for some reason I would feel weird keeping it on the wall ) , it 's always in my possession . Guy 's mother treated me not only better than she could have , but probably better than I had a right to be treated . She deserved rent from me , she deserved more from me than I probably gave , but I was afraid and hungry and anxious , and I did what I could , and so did she . She never judged me , she never turned me away , and treated me as her son until the day she died . Her acts of kindness are important . They showed me that the kind of parenting my mother gave me was not love , it was dysfunctional emotional abuse . Guy 's mom loved me unconditionally and she had no reason to at all , apart from the fact that she just wanted to . She made me a part of her family . I was her son , too . Guy and I lived with my mother for a few months , it was predictably pretty awful . Our emotions got really turbulent and ultimately it led to a physical altercation between us . There was a day when I was pissed off about something , storming around in a huff , and I grabbed my keys because I was going to go for a drive to calm down . Guy didn 't want me driving while I was upset , he would be too worried that I was going to get into a wreck . His intention was good , but he made the unfortunate choice of snatching my keys out of my hand , which led to me trying to grab them back , which led to us scuffling toward the living room recliner , where she shoved me down and held my arms down . His intention was to hold me still so I would listen to him , but as you can imagine it didn 't work , and my immediate reaction was to go on the defense . He shoved me down into the chair and my reaction was that I shot out my hand and slapped him across the face . He responded by throwing a hand back out and hitting me on the head , then started screaming at the top of his lungs . I had thrown the first punch , let it be known . This was not an abuser - victim one - sided altercation . We had both hurt one another . But I was the one who broke first . I started crying , and then I started screaming . Really , really screaming . Guy picked me up and carried me into our room , where I collapsed onto the floor in a sobbing heap , still screaming . I didn 't speak , I just cried , and screamed , very loudly . No one else was home . He sat next to me . " I 'm so sorry , I 'm so sorry , " he said over and over again , he chided himself and said how terrible of a boyfriend he was , he said he was sorry over and over again , he held me as I screamed . After about half an hour of relentless crying I started to breathe . I opened my mouth to speak and I could not form words . To this day I don 't know if I was being dramatic , or if I actually went temporarily mute . I would make a gurgling nose and then close my mouth . I couldn 't speak . When I could talk , I said that I didn 't know what this meant , or what to do from hear . I called my friend Thomas , I told him that this clearly was a sign that we weren 't working and it needed to end . But I decided to sit down and talk to Guy . I told him that what happened was indicative of a larger problem , and it showed that we just weren 't going to work together , no matter how hard we tried . He believed we could move on past it , and promised he 'd never put his hands on me again . I was making him out to be the bad guy , I admit , I wouldn 't really acknowledge my part in the physical fight . I made it sound like he had hit me , when in truth we 'd hit one another . But being the victim was the only thing that made sense to me at the moment , it was the only way I knew how to cope with what was happening . Things were never really the same . For weeks , I would remember the incident when I was at work and fight back tears . I was so angry at myself . How could I have hit him ? How could I have possibly hurt him ? I hated myself for what happened . I hated myself for hurting Guy . Things got worse . We did find a place to live , away from my mother , living with a roommate . We were both working and bringing in enough money to live on . We had video games and we could go places for fun , and we had a little life together . But the arguments got worse . We were growing apart . He didn 't want to have sex nearly as much as I did , he told me he just wasn 't a very sexual person , and it was hard for him to deal with me not only wanting to have sex so much but wanting to touch him so much , to hold him and kiss him and be romantic with him . It was hard for him , he felt a little smothered , and weirdly so did I . But I felt smothered by RESPONSIBILITY , not by his actions . It was so hard to be with him when I wanted so badly to pursue other relationships with available gay guys I had met . I didn 't want to dump Guy , but I just wanted to at least have sex with someone new . It was a natural urge that I had no way of fighting , and truthfully I didn 't want to fight it anymore . I started spending a lot of time watching porn , which by the way I believe is a completely healthy way of exercising your sexual desires . There were more physical fights . Almost every time , he and I would get mad , and I would try and goad him into hitting me , so that I could play the victim . I 'd get in his face and say " Hit me then , like a big man . Push me around , hit me . " Sometimes he 'd shove me . At the time I thought I was standing up for myself . In truth I was trying to start a fight so I 'd have an excuse to say he hit me . We got into a physical fight when he was on the way to work one morning , with me riding in the passenger seat . I finally got fed up with him when he was screaming at me and slapped him in the head , to which he responded by punching me straight in my chest . I sat quietly , gasping and holding my chest . He pulled into a parking spot and got out , and walked inside . I sat there , holding my chest . He 'd punched me . How could he do that to me ? It didn 't seem to matter to me at that moment that I 'd hit him first . I went home , told the story to my friends online , made myself the victim , and decided that either way it was time to end it . I don 't remember if I tried to break up with him right then , but there was another incident when he stormed outside , got in my truck , and backed out of the driveway , spinning dirt everywhere , and screaming out the window at me , cussing and calling me names . I turned around walked inside , and said " This is just too white trash for me , this is not an episode of Jerry Springer . I 'm done . " He brought me flowers when he came home . I told him it was over . He apologized . He begged . He cried . He got on his knees . I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife , acting like I was going to cut myself . He cried , I started to cry a little out of sheer frustration , he begged me to stay with him , I gave in . I just wanted all the pain to stop . A few days later we were at my mom 's house . He asked me to come outside with him and we stood in the little greenhouse where my mom kept her plants . He got on one knee and asked me to marry him . It was not a nice thing to do . But admittedly , it was a bad move on his part . Our relationship was falling apart and the only thing he could think to do was ask me to marry him , like that would fix it . I see now how hurtful it must have been to be rejected by me , but it was a very strange move by him . Still , I see why he did it . He was desperate . He wanted to fix something that couldn 't be fixed . I started talking to an old friend , and we swapped some dirty pictures back and forth . Guy and I had decided a while back that this was okay and did not constitute cheating . There had been once incident in which a friend and I had jerked off together on webcam and when I told Guy he said I 'd cheated on him . I felt terrible , but I was more than a little annoyed to learn later , after we 'd broken up , that he had ALSO jerked off on webcam with someone , and it had been THE SAME GUY . I was mad at both of them for not telling me , and at Guy for making me feel so bad when he 'd already done the same thing before I did it . So this old friend and I had been flirting online , and we 'll call him James for the sake of the story . James and I met up and he actually took me on what amounted to a date , driving me through the mountains , and we actually did walk up a mountain together and take pictures on a bridge high up in the air , and at one point during the ride I actually pulled my dick and let him touch it . When I got home I told Guy what had happened . He was mad . Looking back on it , we were both in denial . Our relationship ended right there , and we just went back to doing what we were doing . We kept on hanging out in the living room , chatting like nothing had happened . We had agreed on something between polyamory and an all - out breakup right then and there , and we just sauntered on like nothing happened . The denial didn 't last for very long . Having now gotten permission and my freedom , I slept with James pretty quickly . But Guy and I realized that this just wasn 't happening . And if we were going to break up , we had to really break up . And so we did . He made plans with his sister for her to come and pick him up , and take him back to Georgia with her . I stayed at my mom 's house for a couple of days , not wanting to be with him , because it would just be too hard . Eventually I did go home . I crawled in bed with him . Late in the middle of the night I felt something wet on the back of my neck . His arms were around me . He was crying into my hair , and he was also singing . A few days later it was time for him to leave . We kissed a lot . We held each other . We waited for his sister to show up . She arrived and I helped load his stuff into the car . She waited outside . We stood in the hallway . I kissed him again . We said goodbye . I didn 't turn around or go into my room , I grabbed my keys and my laptop and got in my truck , and went to my mother 's house , where I stayed for a few days . When I came back , it was still quiet , our roommate wasn 't home . I stood at the closed door of our bedroom . I knocked on the door , knowing he wasn 't there . I called out his name . Our stuff was strewn everywhere . We 'd made a big mess packing . He 'd left some things but mostly it was my stuff everywhere , and some of his clothes that he 'd left for me . Folded neatly on the back of a chair in our room was a tee shirt . It was a navy blue shirt for some restaurant , a shirt he 'd had for a long time . When we first met , when I 'd told him I was going to cut of all contact with him , he had given me that shirt to remember him by . I asked if I could have something that smelled like him , so he 'd worn it all day and then given it to me . Now it was laying here , folded , on the back of the chair , and he 'd worn it the day before . I picked it up and pressed it to my face . It smelled like him . I cried for two years . Sometimes it was easier , sometimes it was harder . I lay in bed at night and felt so strange to have the bed all to myself . I missed him there . I missed snuggling up to him and pressing my waist against his butt . I missed touching his hair with my fingers . I even missed him waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me to stop snoring . I still miss him . I still think that breaking up was the right thing to do . Most of the time , I 'm alright . Sometimes , I miss him . It 's not that I regret breaking up , and in fact I think that the way our relationship happened is what HAD to happen . I learned a lot about emotional abuse , as both the victim and the abuser . I learned about monogamy , I learned what my boundaries are in a relationship , I learned what I can and can 't handle , and I learned when it 's time to let go and move on . And he still misses me too . We talk , we 're friends . There was a long period of silence , but we became friends again . We 're not incredibly close friends , but he knows where he stands . Which is to say , he hasn 't stopped being important to me . During the past year when I felt suicidal , every time I imagined killing myself , I always imagined what my suicide note , or video recording , or online post , might say . Every time it included Guy . I always left him everything . I always told him I was sorry . I always told him that I loved him . Every time I 've imagined what I might do if I were in the hospital dying , I always open my mouth and ask for Guy . He rushes to my bedside and tell him I just want to kiss him again before I die . It 's morbid , but depression is morbid . Whenever I 've thought about dying , the most important things that I think about are telling Robert and Zack how much I love them , how much their love and support means to me , and to tell Guy that I love him . I don 't believe Guy was " the one , " because I don 't believe there is " the one . " Even in a polyamorous sense , I don 't believe that there are certain people you 're just destined to find . But I do believe that you find someone you care about , you connect , and you make it work . One of the most important things I learned was that I DID love Guy . I worried our whole relationship that I didn 't really love him , that I was just forcing it . And there were many things I was forcing , and I was even forcing myself to love him before it was time , but in the end I DID love him . And I still do . I 've thought about what would happen if he were to ask me to be with him again . I live in Delaware and he lives in Georgia , and we haven 't physically seen one another since that day that he left , but still , I 've thought about what I would say or do . I know instantly that getting back together is not the right thing . But then , I think to myself , what about this longing I feel for him ? What about this pull toward him , what about the fact that I still miss him , that I still love him ? 24Sep2016 God Is An Abusive Boyfriend Posted in Articles and Rants by Jesse Colton ( After finishing the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins for the third time in the span of about a year , and having also read Hitchens ' God is Not Great a few times as well , I found that my many opinions about Christianity finally started to take some coherent form . I could write an entire book [ and I hope to at some point ] about my feelings on Christianity , as well as religion in general . In an effort to work toward that , I 've started taking notes . The following is more less copied and pasted from my notepad so it isn 't entirely fleshed out or well - organized , but it is a good place to start . I wanted to point out that these are notes for myself so that it 's clear that this isn 't the final product , just the early stages of something I 'm working on . ) Christianity is a system of cyclical emotional abuse that inculcates and indoctrinates new members ( almost always as emotionally vulnerable and mentally impressionable children ) to believe that they fundamentally disordered in such a way that they are evil and worthy of eternal torment from the moment they are born . Not only this , but they are taught to believe that they CANNOT be anything other than evil and worthy of the most horrific kind of torture and punishment , because the only way to be truly good , moral , and decent , is to allow Christ to take on your own sin ( whether you 've committed any sin or not ) , and Christianity takes care to institute such rigorous regulations that most normal , healthy , biologically necessary actions are considered sinful , and thought crime is preached by the central deity , so that absolutely any moment of anything other than complete lobotomized silence is viewed as sinful and in need of correction or forgiveness . To be naked is a sin , to experience physical arousal is a sin , to desire to be close and to express love is a sin , to even think about exercising a completely healthy biological function like masturbation is a sin , even unavoidable biological functions like menstruation are sinful and " unclean , " in short : everything that any normal human being might do is considered a sin , so that no matter how hard you try , you cannot escape God 's righteous indignation . This tactic is sometimes employed by the military , during basic training , in which a drill Sargeant will emotionally abuse his pupils by setting such absurd regulations on behavior that it becomes literally impossible for the rules to be followed , and so the entire unit is punished when one pupil slips up . Drill Sargeant will also give conflicting orders and punish a cadet no matter their actions , regardless of if they obeyed or not , simply to torture them . The reason for this barbaric method of training is to purposely bring the unit together in their utter contempt of the drill Sargeant , and yet also to fear and obey him , regardless of his orders , because it is the only way to avoid punishment , even if avoiding it is futile . Soldiers are placed under such extreme mental and emotional stress in an attempt to completely break their spirit , and then rebuild their demolished psyche into that of a ruthless killing machine whose only goal and joy comes from following orders and serving the military . This kind of barbaric treatment is contemptible , but when it 's done in the military , people recognize it for what it is . Even those who justify this cruelty say that it 's done for a purpose . No one pretends that this medieval method of training is done out of love and compassion . But when God does the same things , and worse , people will make any excuse to justify his contemptible behavior , and most sickeningly of all : that God abuses and tortures his creations because he LOVES us . God is the ultimate abusive boyfriend . Countless times throughout the Bible he presses into service those same excuses we know abusers use : " You brought this on yourself , " " Look what you made me do , " " I 'm only doing this because I love you . " If any man were on trial for doing a fraction of the things god does to his children , he would most certainly be sentenced to prison or worse . Yet his actions are excused and justified by his victims , who trip over themselves to believe that 2 + 2 = 5 if God says it does . @ kathygriffin I 'm always on your side , gurl . Stay strong . jessecoltonblog . wordpress . com / 2017 / 06 / 02 / in - … 3 weeks ago

From earliest times , people have speculated about what happens when they and their loved ones die . Their views vary from certainty about life after death to utter disbelief . Today , many continue to believe in the survival of consciousness after physical death with some claiming actual experiences of the departed and contact with them of some kind . In an era which we think of as the enlightened era of science , education and widespread secularism , many people report contact with dead . In a survey at the end of the 20th century , 31 % of people in the USA , reported they had felt that they had been in contact with some one who had died ( Greeley 1975 ) , and in Europe the number was 25 % ( Haraldsson and Houtkooper 1991 ) . Scientist , Erlendur Haraldsson , a native of Iceland , sought an answer to his question , " Have you ever been aware of the presence of a deceased person ? " In the modern and educated society of Iceland , one of the Scandinavian countries ; he conducted an extensive survey . During the following years , detailed personal interviews were conducted with over 450 people who responded with a yes to questions about personal experiences of the deceased while in a waking state . These accounts form the basis for this book . The results are fascinating and make compelling reading . The Departed Among the Living is a profound challenge to the assumption that human consciousness is annihilated with the death of the brain and body . Dr . Erlendur Haraldsson 's meticulous , fascinating research will validate those who already believe in life after death , and should stimulate serious reflection in those who do not . This book will almost certainly become a classic in the field of survival research . - Larry Dossey , M . D . Author of Healing Words and Reinventing Medicine " When you start thinking about the meaning of your life and the best way to live , the question of whether it 's all material , you die and everything is over , versus whether we continue on in some form as part of a spiritual existence , becomes very important . Do I really care about meaning and the consequences of my actions since it all ends suddenly and I 'm gone , no regrets , no real satisfactions ? It would mean a lot to think you can plan for a long existence of spiritual evolution , but is that all a myth as we think science says , an opiate for the masses to keep them obedient while the smart exploit them ? Genuine science says investigate , not dogmatically affirm or deny survival , and while the survival question is generally ignored by those supposedly practicing science , a very few scientists , of whom Erlendur Haraldsson is a sterling example , search out and analyze the relevant evidence suggesting survival . You will , to put it mildly , be fascinated by what he presents in this book - and perhaps the plan of your life will be changed … . . - Michael Tymn , Vice - President , Academy of Spirituality and Paranormal Studies , and author of The Afterlife Revealed : What Happens After We Die and The Afterlife Explorers , Vol . 1 . Known as a worldwide respected researcher of deathbed visions and past life memories , Erlendur Haraldsson has now published a very well - documented , and a highly inspiring and convincing book about encounters with deceased relatives , again referring to the probability of a continuity of consciousness after physical death . Highly recommended . Erlendur Haraldsson is a Professor emeritus of psychology at the Faculty of social science at the University of Iceland who , despite having retired from his former post at the University of Iceland , continues to be an active academic . He has published work in various psychological and parapsychological journals , and done work with Ian Stevenson and Karlis Osis on reincarnation research . As well as doing work in Iceland , Haraldsson worked in the United States and at the University of Freiburg , in Germany . While in the United States , he worked with J . B . Rhine . He has written several books including Modern Miracles : An investigative report on psychic phenomena associated with Sri Sathya Sai Baba ( 1997 ) , At the Hour of Death ( 1997 ) , and his latest book , The Departed Among the Living : An Investigative Study of Afterlife Encounters ( 2012 ) The most frequent experience of the deceased was visual . With 303 of our correspondents claiming visual sightings , these accounted for about 67 percent of the reported incidents . 218 of the apparitions were only perceived by sight but in 85 cases the deceased person was encountered with more than one of the senses . Let the examples speak for themselves . The parents My father died at the age of 67 . He was rather short and thin , had a dark complexion but his hair had turned grey . He had a bad temper . I saw him after he died . The door connecting my room and my mother 's bedroom was open . He came in , glanced at me and went into my mother 's room . My mother died much later at the age of 81 . She was short , stout , her hair had turned white , very good - tempered , light - hearted and content with little , made the best of things , was kind to everyone . The year after she died I was sitting late in the evening in my living - room and saw her coming . She walked around the living - room and then she disappeared in front of me - right before my very eyes . I was very pleased and grateful for having seen her . ( 756 ) My husband and I were sitting in the kitchen one morning having coffee when we saw a neighbour of ours come up the steps , right by the window as if he was going home . He was in uniform , had been on the police force but had died in an accident in his thirties . He lived on the floor above . We had been good neighbours for 4 or 5 years . He was about average height , handsome , light - hearted and very easy to get along with . We missed him very much . I sensed him often , but as time passed further from this accident , it dwindled and then stopped . This experience did not have much effect , but it was nice , it was lovely , to have seen him … ( 764 ) . I often heard footsteps and a few times I saw the same man , though I did not know him . This happened both here at home and in the hospital where I was being treated . One time , in the middle of the night , I went to the kitchen to heat up a snack , when I heard footsteps that sounded like someone was coming in and then a man dressed in grey appeared in the kitchen doorway . He was a very large man , with an ordinary grey hat , kind and it was like he wanted to let me know something . This made me feel rather uneasy . It did not feel pleasant and I was always a little frightened … ( 815 ) This happened three years ago . I sat in a chair in my room and was reading . Then I looked up and saw my deceased grandmother standing in front of me , as fully was when she was alive . I told my mother about this the following day . She said , " That is nice . It was her birthday yesterday . " I had not remembered it . ( 5018 ) I had the flu and lay in bed reading a book . I looked up from what I was reading and saw my deceased father 's face . It looked real but it did not look like he was trying to tell me anything . Then I became aware of my father 's deceased mother and I guess he was showing her to me . ( 293 ) This happened shortly after my father died . I was in bed sleeping but woke up and felt there was something at my side . I saw my father there and looked at him , reached out and touched him . He was just as he had been , wearing a blue shirt over his underwear … . He got out of the bed and walked to the room he had lived in and which was across from mine . As he walked , he pointed to the wall without saying a word . On that wall there was a large clock that he had earlier asked me to deliver to his grandson in Reykjavík . ( 2010 ) It happened a few years ago , my sister had been dead for three years . She died at the age of sixty . One evening , when I had turned off the lights , a picture of my sister appeared on the wall at the foot of my bed , not as she was when she died but as she was at the age of seventeen . This was accompanied by a very pleasant feeling and a bright light that seemed to come from behind the picture and illuminate it . Then it disappeared just like when one turns off a camera or a projector . But the light seemed to be within me or somehow inside of me and it lasted for quite a while . ( 5033 ) I had just started work at sea here in Neskaupstad and did not know all the people working on the boat . We all slept in the fore - castle . We were line - fishing south of the country and I was watching over a buoy . Then I saw a man come up from one of the cabins . I could see him very clearly , both his clothes and his physical appearance . It was quite light and he was standing in the light shining through the open cabin door . He stood there for a while before walking off across the deck . I thought it was somebody who had just started working on the boat and decided to go and speak to him but there was no one there . I did not really give it much thought at the time , just finished my shift . Then I asked the men about it and the man I thought I had seen . I described the man I had seen and the men from Nordfjord recognised the description . This person had died some years earlier and had worked on the boat until he died . I had not known anything about him before that … ( 7626 ) My brother drowned when he was 22 years old . I was 17 at the time and afterwards I started seeing him and other things . Two or three days after he drowned I was combing my hair in the hall and in the mirror I saw him - he was wet from the sea and very sad . I turned around and saw him disappear right there in the hall . He had planned to own his own boat and had finished a course in engineering . He was blond , rather tall and coarse , with a big temper but had learned to control it had a strong sense of justice and was kind … . ( 708 ) We had just moved to Hafnarfjord and a colleague of mine , who came from the same area where we were from , called me up and we planned for him to visit next Thursday . The night before , Wednesday , we were both asleep when I was suddenly awakened and all I could see was fire - or a ball of fire - because I did not see the source of the fire at the door . It seemed to be below the middle of the door and spread to the sides and filled the doorway up to the middle of the door . I jumped up , waking my wife . I grabbed the bedcover because I was going to use it to shield myself from the fire but the fire suddenly disappeared . The next day I found out that this had happened about the same time that the man who was going to visit us on Thursday died . My explanation is that this was some sort of an energy transmission at the time of his death or shortly after . ( 7003 ) I was sitting in the living room with two others and we were watching television . Then when a certain tune was heard on the TV a spinning rock , next to the TV set , started moving and we watched this happen . The tune was a special favorite of my mother who was dead when it happened . I associated the movement of the rock with my mother ; she was telling us she was with us . The rock had belonged to my mother 's mother . I think that my mother never owned it but without doubt had often seen it . ( 2 ) Visual apparitions were usually perceived without any other sensory experience . However , it was quite common for sound to accompany them ( 47 incidents ) . In several examples the vision was experienced along with touch ( 15 cases ) or both touch and sound ( 20 cases ) . Only three incidents were reported in which the deceased person was both seen and smelled . In the following two stories the encounters with the dead are experienced as if they are a normal experience . It is only after the deceased person has left that the perceiver realises that they are no longer living . The fourth man I met four friends when I was taking a walk downtown and I spoke with them awhile . After our conversation my fiancé asked me what I had been looking at in the window of the shop . I had been looking at the fourth man in the group , but as she asked I suddenly remembered that he had died some time ago . ( 587 ) I was in the kitchen in the afternoon and had just finished breastfeeding my child . I felt weak and sat down . There was a knock on the door and in came my cousin with another man and said : " Hello cousin " . I thought he was more nimble than usual , but he was always an amusing boy and very good - natured . He introduced his companion as our grandfather , who just smiled . My cousin said he was hurrying home and I wanted to go along with them , but he did not want me to . But I was in the hall anyway putting on my coat when the newcomers disappeared . At that moment my mother arrived and she did not see a thing . While I was talking with my cousin I had forgotten that he was dead . He had drowned a few months earlier when he was about twenty . He had planned to go to navigation college . I was very frightened to begin with , but later it did not have any effect on me , either good or bad . I did not look upon this as a haunting . ( 596 ) The accounts above were transcribed from recorded interviews . Only a portion of the text has been displayed - the core of the incident . Repetitions and near meaningless words have been deleted but nothing else has been changed or removed . The next three accounts have been printed in full length , just as they were told , verbatim . Meeting on the stairs It was about a week after my mother was buried . She died here in the house in the attic . She had a room there . I just met her on the stairs . She had just had a stroke - a brain hemorrhage - so she moved slowly and used to move to the side when she met someone on the stairs . In that incident she moved just as usual . It was so normal . Of course I knew immediately that I had made a perceptual mistake or something else . And I kept walking upstairs and it did not have an effect on me . That was all but it was not unclear or anything . I saw all of her and it had a good effect on me or something like that . This happened in the year 1955 . My wife was sewing . I went up the stairs and told my wife about it immediately . Afterwards I continued walking upstairs because I knew right away that this was in some way normal . She was dressed pretty much the same way as usual . The stairs are quite narrow and I saw that her skirt touched the upper step , and then I looked up and saw the whole picture . She was wearing normal clothes and looked just like she did before she died . That was it really - I just saw her . I looked up and just saw her , first the skirt and then I looked up and decided not to stop . I just kept going upstairs and did not look back because I was sure I would not see any more . It happened at the end of the day , as it was getting dark , but it was not that dark on the stairs . It was as if we had met on the stairs . I went past her . I think I looked back when I got to the top of the stair . I walked slowly up the steps - I did not stop . I seem to recall looking back down - but she would have been downstairs by then under normal circumstances . We met on the third or fourth step . ( 361 ) I lost a young boy and have seen him at least twice around here - very clearly . I was so surprised myself that I said " Beggi dear " and walked towards him . I saw him through some bars between the lounge and the kitchen . I walked around from the kitchen , past a solid wall and into the lounge beside the kitchen . At the time I had forgotten that he had passed away . I know that his grandmother had seen him at my house . The boy was nine years old and had drowned two years earlier . His grandmother was alone at my house , and when she saw him she simply told him : " I think you should use the time well and go and play in your room " . And that was that . When I saw him I was on my own at home - alone . I was washing the kitchen floor and suddenly I saw him through the bars in the lounge and I just felt him looking at me . I have seen him twice , always at the same place . I was washing the floor and I just looked up and it felt as if he was just standing there , looking at me . I especially remember the second time it happened . Then I said " Oh , Beggi dear " and ran into the lounge and then I just realised how far fetched it was , and thought to myself : " Oh well then , that 's alright " . He was wearing his normal clothes he had here . He suffered a violent death , drowned along with a girl . They went together the two of them . He was just as I remember him - he was not sad , but not laughing either - just sort of normal . How long did I see him ? No , it cannot have been long . When I looked up and saw him I took a long look and it took me a while to realise - but I walked over and then he was gone . But I remember I was so surprised that I stared for a while - did not say anything . It was just for a moment . I saw him close to me but through the bars . I was not thinking about him or anything - even had the radio on . It was in the middle of the afternoon . I seem to recall it having been a bright day . He disappeared as suddenly as I had noticed him . It is really strange . The fact is that the girl who died with him had Father in the chair My father died a sudden death in the year 1969 . Now he often sits in his chair at home . I don 't think it is not just my imagination . At least , I walk past the chair and do not sit in it when he is there . This has happened quite often , especially soon after he died . He died very suddenly , just came back home , lay down on the sofa and died . So it happened very quickly . He died in their bedroom but I have never seen him there . After that I felt for a long time that I was trying to overcome it . But I felt that he was always trying to come towards us . She , my mother , and both of them , lived not far away . When I was coming over and still to this day , I often felt that he opened the door and came to greet us . I think I can say for certain that I first saw him shortly after he passed away . It was around Christmas time . We came over on Christmas day for an evening meal . It was hard for me , I felt he had to sit in his chair and somehow I had not quite realised that he was gone . It is hard when people go so quickly . He was a healthy man , you really did not expect it , but death will not be mocked . The first time I felt that he had approached me was just after he had died . My mother had heart problems and was ill shortly after his death . She came to our place and stayed at our house first after , but then she wanted to go back just before Christmas . She left the hospital just before Christmas - and really wanted us to come over for a Christmas meal . But I went over before she went back and cleaned the apartment and then he simply greeted me when I approached . And I was not scared of him . He was strong in this way . People probably differ in how they seek worldly contact after they die . I do not know . He was very religious . I know a man in the next house . He claims that he has often seen my father there . I do not know , but perhaps the deceased differ in how strong they are in making themselves felt . Maybe it varies how much the deceased look back . I really believe there is life after this life . Other people have not seen him at the same time as I have seen him . I did not have that pleasure . A friend came over and a couple was here and a few of us were sitting together . Then the friend comes into the kitchen - I was making us coffee - and says : " Did your father like music ? " He said the father had been playing and was sitting here in the chair . I did not know what chair - this furniture is old stuff from them . It had always been with them and was passed on to me . I did not know if this was related to that . So I said to him : " Yes , he did enjoy music " . " Yes , shows that he does " , said our friend . When I first saw him at the house I told my husband about it . He said something like : " Wow , it did not take long " . Then I replied : " I am not surprised , for my dad was helping me " . I think he took it more as a joke but I said : " I often feel he comes to greet me " , and he said : " I have felt so too " . He had been out on some errand . But as I say , people are different personalities - but I have seen him , there is no question about it . I have also smelled him , a scent related to him , he took At this point , many readers will wonder : Did people see what they perceived with their eyes open just like they perceive any other thing or person in sight ? We asked about this specifically . The answer was ' yes ' . People did not hesitate to state that this was indeed so . 272 informants , 90 percent of them , said they had seen the apparition with their eyes open . Only two had their experience with their eyes closed and 12 perceived the dead as if in their mind 's eye . 16 people reported not being sure how the vision had appeared to them . David I was in hospital and it was either just before or just after I had my operation . I think it was before . It was in August and the weather was very good . I was looking out of the window at the clouds as they kept changing shape and I could see all sorts of strange figures in the clouds . That was pretty much all I had to keep me occupied , lying in bed , I had my own room . I do not know but I must have been influenced by something . I was very calm , looking at the clouds , thinking poetic thoughts which did not really surprise me . Then I sensed a strong force and I saw a grey - patterned jacket in the southeast corner of the room , no man but just the jacket and I smelled tobacco . I knew who it was , both sensed it and I knew the jacket as well as the smell . This man was David Stefansson . We were great friends and acquaintances . I could feel that strong force from the southeast corner which moved to the northwest across the bed and over me … ( 2210 ) And now there follow several short accounts . On Gotta I worked aboard a boat called Gotta . The first time I went to bed a man looked me in the eye . I guess he was about 27 or 28 years old . I saw him clearly . He had brown eyes and a pale complexion . He was calm and seemed to feel fine and he had on an English cap which leant to the right . I could only see him down to his chest . He just seemed to sit there in the bunk to the side … ( 7005 ) This was a few years ago , on Christmas day . The man I thought I had seen , or his outlines , had died the summer before . He was an old man related to my brother but my brother and his family were visiting that day . I was walking from lounge into the hall , and then I felt this man standing there . I knew him immediately . He was rather unusual in his appearance and very strongly built . I felt I saw the outlines of his body but then they disappeared . I was quite shocked and went into the kitchen to calm myself down . I saw the exact outlines in a room where my brother 's daughter was playing . She was very favoured by the old man who was almost a grandfather to her . But then it happened again in the evening , when I had quite stopped thinking about it . It happened in just the same way and in the exact same spot . I thought that was quite strange . ( 7574 ) I often perceive images of deceased people . Sometimes I wake up in the night and notice these things . One night I awoke and sat up in bed and saw my mother - in - law 's stepfather standing at the bed at my wife 's side . He had passed away many years ago . I had never met him alive . I only saw him that one time but I have often sensed his presence . ( 2136 ) I have only once seen the vision of a dead man and it was in a place where I had never been to before . I have also felt a touch , a sort of feeling of heat , like a light or warmth on the side of my head or my cheek , and I saw something like a light shadow , which of course is a paradox but I saw this white or light " shadow " . I have often sensed my grandfather , Haraldur Níelsson , sometimes many evenings in a row and sometimes for 5 to 10 minutes at a time . ( 5034 ) My father always used to sit in a specific chair in the kitchen . Some time after his death when I came home and opened the kitchen door , I saw him sitting in his chair . I could not touch him , I only saw him . He did not say anything , he was simply there , sitting in his chair like he used to . ( 2017 ) I bent down to tie my shoe - laces . I was on my way out , when I felt someone standing beside me . I looked up and saw this woman very clearly , she was very beautiful and I felt as if I was standing there staring at her . I thought she was connected to me in some way but I did not recognize her . I also somehow knew that she had died a long time ago . I remember quite well how she wore her hair and the clothes she wore … . ( 2008 ) I was in a house the other day . I saw an old couple there , and it was later confirmed that they were the housewife 's grandparents . I also heard them . I have often expeienced this , seen , heard or sensed the presence of the deceased . One is always a little distracted when things like this happen . ( 2005 ) I have only had a psychic experience at one time . It was regarding a boy who died when he was four years old and happened about half a year after he died . My husband was his grandfather . I once lay awake in bed at home and was wide awake . Then suddenly I saw a child 's face and thought to myself : " What a beautiful child " . At the same time I felt myself thinking : " Oh , that 's little Siggi " and at that he disappeared . ( 2024 ) A few of the men in the village were going to a country dance and my husband was among them . I myself was in such a state that I could not go and that was fine . They were going to get there by truck and they were going to stand on the back of the truck . When the car got to our house and stopped there were about five or six men in the back . It was during the spring and the evening sun was shining . I stared at one of the men . The sun was shining on his hair . I could not believe my eyes . I also knew all the other men , they were friends of my husband and this man had also been my husband 's friend but he had died during the autumn . He was standing there looking happy but suddenly disappeared when the truck started up . ( 307 ) We were renovating an old house that we were living in . My husband had gone out and I was alone and lay down on a sofa . I was wondering what it would look like when it was finished . Then I heard a knock at the door and I opened it . Outside the door was an old man who used to live close to me when I was a child . While alive he used to come over to this house quite a lot , but now he was dead . I was not surprised to see him when I opened the door and he did not speak to me . He simply thought , you know , I understood and I did not speak to him with words but with thoughts . " What are you doing here ? " " I 've come to stay with you , Magga dear . " I said " There 's no space for you here now my friend , you can see what this place looks like . " I felt he was a little angry with me : " I will have to come back later then " , he said and went out and slammed the door . He was standing there just as if he was alive , in front of me , wearing nice dark clothes , a white shirt and tie , in his best suit , as they say . He was in good spirits and just as I remember him . He was happy when he saw me and called me " my dear Magga " , as he used to do when I was a child and I used to spend time with him . I was surprised that he wanted to come … ( 7606 ) This was after my mother died . I had a little child out east in Litli - Saurbær in Olfus , where she had lived . This was in the evening and it happened very suddenly . I was in my mother 's bedroom . She appeared to me and I rushed out of bed and said : " Mummy ! " I felt her come to me and hug me . I did not hear her , only felt I saw her . But this happened so quickly . I was a little frightened , although she seemed to be just as she used to be and she seemed to be welcoming me … ( 2054 ) I remember a very clear incident . At that time I had a shop . I was at home drinking coffee when a tiny little boy comes over . I imagined he was about 10 years old . He stood there for a long time looking at me . I saw that this was a bit unusual and other than it should be . It was obviously a boy who had passed away and was not alive . Then he disappeared . I did not know why he had been there but I was a bit of a spiritualist back then , and actually I still am but not in the sense that I was at that time . We often spoke about such things in the shop back then and perhaps the shop was some sort of tiny lighthouse for those souls who were roaming about somewhere . ( 5029 ) An old woman died in my home village . I had known her well since I was a child . She died in a house in the middle of the village and there she was " kept " in a room in the house , as they used to do , as there was no morgue there at that time . I was walking down the road . It was bright and sunny and I was walking along the road . I cannot remember if it was the day after she died or one of the following days . Anyway I met the lady outside that house and walked a little towards her and I nodded my head towards her , just as you do when greeting . When I met her I was completely unaware of the fact that she had died . I had quite forgotten about it . It was just like normal . But as soon as she had passed by me I thought to myself : " How can that be ? Thorgerdur is dead . " That was her name . I looked right back but then I could not see her … I remember the incident so vividly . ( 5114 )

Today was the scariest chicken day ever . I let the chicks out this morning when I fed them - - kind of on purpose and kind of because three of them got out when I went in the pen anyway . I decided that they could stay outside on their own for a bit , and I went in to take a shower . As I was showering , I heard a sound like something had fallen . I few minutes later I heard it again . I figured that I had not latched the back door properly and the wind was blowing it against the house . After I 'd gotten dressed , I went to see what was up . Everything looked fine . Nothing had fallen inside and the door was latched , but Honey was on the back porch . The chicks never get that close to the house . I picked her up and walked back to the coop . I didn 't see any of the other chickens . None . Not a one . Usually they 're in a group , rooting around in the garden or in the roses . No chickens anywhere . I looked and looked . Nothing . Ten minutes later , after I 've looked over the fence into all my neighbors ' yards , I find Birdie and Bee hidden in some undergrowth behind the dirt pile . I put them in the pen , but cannot imagine where the little ones are . I look in the all the places I 've already looked . I go back towards the house where I think I hear something . I looked in the cast iron plants by the porch . Nothing . Finally , I go up on the porch and look behind some plywood leaning against the house : two chickens - - Myrtle and Ethel are hiding there . At this point , I 'm convinced that Rosemary has been carried away by a hawk . I don 't see any feathers , but I 've looked everywhere and haven 't seen her , and the chickens are so deeply hidden that something must have really scared them . I pick up Mrytle and take her to the coop . Silly Ethel runs towards the coop , but doesn 't go inside or want me to pick her up . As I start to chase Ethel , Rosemary appears ! Where she was , I haven 't a clue . I spent the next twenty minutes chasing chickens round and round the coop before finally getting them all in . I can 't tell you how scared I was or how awful a chicken moPosted by With the short days , it 's dark by the time I get home from work , and since the chicks go to bed as the sun starts to set , they are already in their sleeping spots in the coop when I check for eggs each night . This means that I don 't get to spend much time with the chicks and they don 't get to go out into the yard much . Today , I let them out while I read and dozed in my new hammock . There are so many cute things about the chicks , but the top three things they do are ( 1 ) when they hop down from something ; ( 2 ) when one realizes she has strayed from the flock and then runs to be with the others ; and ( 3 ) when they decide it 's time to go to bed and they file into the coop on their own . Today , I once again watched them go into the coop one by one , well , all except Birdie , whom I had to round up myself , and as many times as I 've seen them do this , I never tire watching them march in . Today was such a beautiful day , and since I was out in it most of the day , the chickens were as well . They love being outside , scratching around . They are mostly good , and the cats don 't bother them , which is a bit surprising actually . I 've seen Gus the cat stalk and kill at least two squirrrels . I 'm not sure why they aren 't interested in the chickens , but obviously I 'm glad they 're not . They didn 't want to go back into the coop , but actually they 're a little like sheep ( or what I think sheep would be like ) . I have a red stick that the chicks are a bit concerned about . I use it to guide them to the coop , like a shepherd 's staff . It took me no time at all to get all the chicks in with very little chasing . Oh , my kindness to the chicks in letting the chicks out today paid off . Today was a 5 - egg day , following a 6 - egg day yesterday . Posted by Yesterday I got 5 eggs ! Of course , I 'm not completely happy because I have six chicks so I should have 6 eggs , but 5 is getting there . I 'm not sure who the layers are . Birdie and Bee are my solids , and Myrtle , she 's pretty dependable as well . Rosemary had been taking a break since her brooding . ( She 's not brooding anymore , but she hasn 't been laying eggs either . ) Honey and Ethel hadn 't been laying , but they 're both showing signs that they should be ready . Ethel is getting all waddle and comb - y , and she 's been investigating the coop , but Honey getting waddle and comb - y as well , plus her twin Bee has been laying for months now . Anyway , it appears that all but one is laying . I 'll find out who the layers are soon , I hope . So , last night we had a bit of weather thanks to Ida . She started out as a hurricane , but was only a tropical storm when it was all said and done . Still , we weren 't sure where she would come ashore and how strong the winds would be so we did somewhat batten down the hatches , so to speak . I went to put the chicks ' food and water in the coop around 7 pm . I figured that if it was really raining in the morning , the chicks could have their food and water in the coop and they wouldn 't have to come out into the pen and get blown around or wet . The first thing I noticed when I went out there with my flashlight was that there was an egg in the dirt . I picked it up and put it in my pocket and didn 't think too much about it . But when I went to put the water in the coop , I noticed that Bee was sleeping on the bench where we keep the water . I did think that was strange . I picked her up to put her in the coop and that 's when I noticed that the coop was empty . I looked all around for the rest of the chicks , but they were no where to be found . Finally , I looked up , and there they were : up top on a piece of wood that spans the pen . Birdie , Honey , Myrtle , Ethel and Rosemary were all huddled together , sleeping in the rafters . When I went out to check on them this morning , it was obvious that they had slept there all night . I felt bad because I had put Bee in the coop away from the others , but that was before I realized the plan was to have a campout . I don 't have a clue why they 'd want to sleep outside , especially in the wind and rain . Quite odd , if I do say so myself , but what do I know about chicken logic ? ~ ~ ~ As I was cleaning the pen this morning , I suddenly realized I was the only one in the pen . The chicks had pushed the door open and were all busy pecking around outside . I finished up and then sat with them for 15 minutes or so . Myrtle found and ate a worm - - she had to run away to a private spot to make sure no one shared it with her - - and all the chicks liked drinking the puddled water in the wagon . I like letting them out in thPosted by We 've been busy but not too much with the chickens . My sister got married in Greenville , SC on the 17th , so I had to find a sitter for the chickens . Luckily , my across - the - street neighbor , Cindy , agreed do it . She seems to have done a great job ( not to take away from her efforts , but sitting mainly entails cleaning poo , filling food dishes and counting heads to make sure they 're all still doing well ) . I hope she wore closed - toe shoes when she came to take care of them . When she came to get the rundown on the Thursday before we left , they were very interested in pecking at her cherry - painted toenails . In other news : Rosie is brooding . She wants to set on eggs , even when there are none . If one of the hens lays an egg , she is Johnny - on - the - spot to go sit on it . Somehow , she has convinced the other hens to lay in the same spot on the floor of the coop . I feel bad that she doesn 't have a real egg to sit , but since these eggs will never hatch , I take them out from under here . She 's okay with me moving her around a bit , but she goes back to setting and occasionally clucking . I try to take her out of the coop in the evenings so she 'll be sure to eat and drink . Apparently , setting hens can be so committed to their nest that they 'll neglect themselves . We let the chicks out of the pen tonight . At first , we just let the big ones and Myrtle out . Kevin was afraid the little ones would try to fly around , but Rosemary and Ethel wanted to be with the other chicks , so I let them out as well . The little ones didn 't even try to fly . In fact , they were all pretty much together the entire time and pretty much right in front of the coop the entire time , as well . When it started getting dark , we wondered how the chicks would do . Would we have to round them up or would they go into the coop by themselves ? They were so busy and happy to be pecking around in the grass . Well , Honey went into the pen first and squawked so everyone would follow her . Nobody paid her much attention . A little later Rosemary went in . Honey came back and squawked some more and went back in . Ethel went in , and then a few moments later , Myrtle followed . Birdie went in , made a noise , and then Bee went in last . Kevin closed the door and that was that - - easy - peasy . They did so well I 'm thinking more outings will be in their futures . I 'm averaging four eggs a day now , which , of course , makes me happy . Here are three eggs I just got from the same nesting box . We have four boxes , but apparently the favorite is the one closest to the hen door . You can see the difference in size and color of the eggs . I know that Birdie , Bee , Rosemary and Myrtle ( yes , Myrtle ) are laying for sure . I 'm not sure about Honey and Ethel . I 've never seen them in the nesting boxes , but someone lays a greenish - grey egg that I see occasionally . It 's raining here ( yeah ! ) so when I went to look for eggs a few minutes ago , I took a red umbrella with me . You should have seen the chicks all run under the coop . They weren 't scared of it like they were of the dogs , but they were a bit concerned . They 're so funny sometimes . I 'm not sure if they 're getting along any better , but I 'm convinced that me or Kevin back there makes them more pecky toward each other . Speaking of me and Kevin back there , I had to do some work back behind the coop on Saturday and they all lined up under the coop to watch me . Kevin raked out the pen and then was disposing of the waste just outside the enclosure and they were all crowded in a corner to get a good look at what he was doing . I guess any little change of scenery is fascinating for them . We actually put the little chicks in with the big chicks Thursday . It 's going okay . I do wish they were getting along a bit better . The big chicks are still pecking at the little chicks , but not maliciously , just to keep the little chicks in their place . You can see in the photo how the little chicks keep together and the big chicks keep together . Occasionally , we intervene , but we aren 't there all the time . I guess they 'll figure everything out , but I wish they could be nicer to each other . Egg update : three yesterday . Kevin says I 'm a slave driver . I want an egg from every chick every day . If that 's being a slave driver , then , yes , I am . Posted by Today is a red letter day for me . The chicks layed four perfect eggs ! I 've never had so many in one day before . Two of the big chicks layed today and two of the little chicks as well . I 'm pretty sure Birdie and Bee are my big chick layers , and I think Rosemary and Ethel , the twins , are my little chick layers . I could be wrong and it 's Myrtle , not Ethel , laying , but I 'm almost 100 % sure Rosemary is laying . All the eggs are brown , except for Rosemary 's , which are the pretty green - grey . Of course , when they all start laying I 'll be ectastic . We 've been letting the little chicks visit in the big pen , and I think there is some slight improvement , but the big chicks are still pecking a bit on the little ones . Friday night / Saturday is the big move . I don 't like maintaining two areas , and the little ones need access to the nesting boxes . Kevin made a makeshift nesting box for the little ones , but they should be in the coop with the others . Rembember how I said that I couldn 't believe the new chicks were 6 months old ? Well , Rosemary , at least , could very well be because guess what I found this afternoon ? An Egg ! I 'd been in the hammock and had heard some familiar egg - laying sounds , but when I went to check if any of the big chicks had layed anything , there was nothing . Imagine my surprise when I looked over at the pen and found an egg in the little chicks ' feed dish . I guess that was the best she could do for a nesting box under the circumstances . Yesterday , when we were out with the chicks , we noticed how anxious Rosie was acting , and we thought she might be looking for a place to lay an egg , but since she didn 't , I didn 't think about it anymore . It 's nice to know that our original instincts were correct . At first , I thought it was a white egg , because it definitely wasn 't brown , but upon closer inspection , it looks more gray - green . It 's about the size of Birdie 's eggs , which is surprising considering how much bigger Birdie is than the new girls . I 'll be glad when we can have all the chicks together . It will make everything much easier for them and me . Posted by I got three new chicks last night . I 'd been checking Craigslist and corresponding with a man in Alabama when we found a guy in " Gulf Breeze " ( really Midway ) who had chicks for sale , so Kevin and I went out to look at them last night . The " farm " was quite eclectic . We saw many chickens and turkeys plus I saw a piglet and Kevin saw some rabbits . I ended up getting three chicks . The man said they were 6 months old , but they are much smaller and less wattley than my three . The new three are very pretty and have feathers on their feet . I think they are cochins , which if I had researched a bit more I may have rethought . They are supposed to be very friendly and motherly , but not necessarily good layers . We 'll see . We brought them home in a cat carrier and let them sleep in it in the coop . This morning I let them out and sat with them for a while . Pecking orders are very real things , and Bee is the peckiest . She is the most aggressive with the new chicks , but the little white one , Myrtle , stood her ground pretty well . The other two , Rosemary ( gold ) and Ethyl ( black ) , are a bit more cowed . Kevin put in a couple more higher perches and they like being up high . Other than being a bit far from the food and water , I like them being up high . My three can get used to the new girls , but not be so intimidated . I 'll be checking on them frequently throughout the day . Rosemary and EthelMyrtleAddendum : I put the new chicks in the old pen , and it is next to the coop . The new chicks were fine , but the old chicks weren 't sharing the food and water very well . Now they can see each other , but they each have their own foods and waters . I 'll probably let them be seperated for a while to get used to each other . Two interesting things today : First , another one of the hens is laying eggs . Yah , right ? Well , we 'll see . Here 's my hesitation . Every night the hens go to sleep in exactly the same place , and every morning I clean the droppings . This morning besides the droppings there was also what looked like the inside of an egg . One of the chickens layed a shell - less egg . According Storey 's Guide to Raising Chickens , the go - to manual on chickens , there are a few possible reasons for this . One is that it 's a first egg , which , of course , this one is . Another , is that the hen was nervous or scared or for some reason had to lay it quickly before the shell could form ( shells form at the last minute apparently ) , and third , the chicken has a vitamin deficiency . Now , if it is Honey laying the egg , it could be the third reason . Honey has a crossed beak and is as tall as the other two , but because she has a harder time eating , she is thinner than the other two . Let 's hope tomorrow I have at least two good eggs . It 's going to be hard to correct the vitamin deficiency in Honey , if that 's what it is . Also , there is a possibility that Bee is laying as well . There was an egg in the pen , but it had fallen and gotten cracked . It wasn 't where Birdie usually lays , so I 'm not sure if it was hers or not . Although I didn 't see an egg from her today , so it could have been hers . We 'll see . The other possibly interesting thing is that we trimmed Honey 's beak today . Well , Kevin did . Thankfully , he does all the hard things . I held Honey and he cut away at it with a dog nail clipper . We had to be careful not to go too far , just as we would for a dog 's nails actually , but he trimmed a good 1 / 4 to 1 / 2 inch off , so hopefully she 'll be able to eat better now . Here 's a before picture . She reminds me of Gonzo with how curved her beak is . Here are a couple of after pictures . The top pic shows how much we trimmed off , but the bottom one shows just how crossed it is . We had our first homemade eggs this morning . As you can see , they are tiny , but they are slowly getting bigger . The one from last Saturday was noticeably smaller than the one layed yesterday . ( Today 's hasn 't come yet . ) They were very tasty . Nice job , Birdie ! Posted by This morning when I went to check on the chicks , I took a watering can with me to refill the waterer , but then I decided to wait until I came home for lunch ( and to check on my daily egg ) to fool with the waterer . When I came home at lunch time , the watering can was knocked over and about 8 feet from where I left it . Gus , our neighbor 's cat , has been interested in the chicks , although I 've never seen him do anything to antagonize them . Still , he was my most likely culprit . I figured he stood on the can and knocked it over . I didn 't have it all worked out - - with water in the can it would have been fairly heavy for Gus . When I was checking on the chicks this evening , the mystery was solved . I was in the enclosure with the chicks when my other neighbor 's dogs came running up . They have been interested in the chicks as well , from the other side of the fence , but I 've never seen them in my yard , let alone around the chicks . The dogs circled the coop , looking for a way in . To my surprise and delight , the chicks marched quickly into the coop . Of course , they were safe in the enclosure , but I liked that they saw the coop as their safe zone . I actually like these dogs . They 're basically sweet and attention - starved . I don 't think their intention was to kill the chicks , but they would have surely played with them to death . It 's my fault they were in the backyard . As a rule , I haven 't kept my gate closed securely . I never had to before now . I will now , of course . My poor chicks will have little heart attacks if they have any more visits from my sweet neighbors . I got up early ( okay , early - ish ) to open the hen door so the chicks could go out into the pen . They seemed perfectly content to be in the coop and didn 't come out during the ten minutes or so I sat out there with them . The morning was beautiful and cool - - about 66 degrees , which was too cool for me just getting out of bed . When I checked on them around 8 : 00 , they had figured out how to use the door and ramp ( I guess ) . I sat with them for a while and Birdie would go into the coop and sit in a nesting box . Every so often , she 'd come out and make such a ruckus . She did this at least two or three times . I 'd go check the coop and find nothing . I kept looking to see if it had rolled somewhere or was buried in wood chips . Finally , I came in and made blueberry muffins . As I was mixing the batter , I heard the cackling again , but this time I decided to wait until I was done before running out there . My patience did pay off . She had , indeed , layed another small , brown egg , but not in a nesting box . It was laying in some wood chips by the hen door . Today 's egg in situ . Today 's egg is the top lighter brown one . Yesterday 's is the darker one , and the white one is a store - bought jumbo egg . The day is here ! The coop is done and the chicks are in the coop ! We finished the ramp today and attached the chicken door tonight . Andrew and I had loaded dirt in the pen this morning . We put wood chips in the nesting boxes and on the floor ( we want to put some linoleum on the floor soon to help it not get so poopy ) . The chicks don 't know what to make of it . We didn 't put them in until almost bedtime , so they didn 't have time to get to explore very long . They love scratching around in the enclosure , but don 't know what to think about the coop . We closed them into the coop for the night , but will probably let them decide what to do about sleeping arrangements from now on . We 're hoping to move the chickens into the coop tonight . We have just a couple of things left to do and then we will be done . Yah ! ! ! I had told Kevin that we had another 2 months until the nesting boxes needed to be done , The chicks are four months old now and won 't start laying until six months . Well , much to my surprise and delight , when I went out to the pen area this morning ( around 10 am , if you are interested ) , I found an egg ! I 'm not sure who layed it , but I 'm betting on Birdie . She just looks more mature than Honey and Bee . It 's small , probably about 1 1 / 2 inches long , but an egg ! And yes , the nesting boxes are up and ready for more eggs . We had just discussed keeping the nesting boxes covered up until the chicks ( if they 're laying eggs , I should probably start calling them hens ) were ready . Well , I guess we won 't have to do that after all . Posted by I know it 's been a while since I wrote about the coop . Lots have been done on the coop . We 've ( i . e . Kevin ) built doors and window flaps ( I 'm sure there 's a technical term for them that I don 't know ) . We 've put up chicken wire and enclosed the tops of the front and back sides . We are so close to being done . That said , we still have a few things to do , and I don 't want to post any more pictures of the coop until we 're done . We may be done ( fingers crossed ) this weekend . In the meantime , here are some pictures of the chicks . Honey and Bee are on the perch getting ready to go to sleep . Birdie gets up there to sleep as well . They 're so sweet . Posted by Andrew and I just got back from a wonderful week in Chicago . A big thank you to Kevin for feeding , watering and playing with the chicks while we were gone . Although we were away from my chicks , we weren 't totally away from chickens . Yes , even in Chicago . On Friday , we went to the Lincoln Park Zoo , which is a wonderful little FREE zoo . John Deere has sponsored a little farm zoo , just outside the main zoo . We saw huge rabbits , sheep , goats , cows and Chickens ! I met this chicken at the " Meet the Chicken " event . She 's five years old and very sweet . We were also taught how to pet a chicken . Luckily , we 've been doing it right . A huge buff OrphingtonSweet , sweet little chicks . We also saw some just hatched chicks - - not as cute , but interesting to see . My own little chick in his shell . Today 's a sad day for me . I had to find a new home for Jackie and Poppy . As you know , Jackie and Poppy turned out to be roosters . As a novice , I was holding out hope that they were just faster growers than the others and that was why they were bigger and had larger combs and wattles , but no such luck . Once they started crowing , I knew otherwise . A couple of weeks ago , they started crowing at 5 : 20 on the dot , and as the sun rose earlier each day , they would start crowing earlier . I started putting a blanket on the pen at night so they would stay in the dark longer , and that did buy a little time . They would start crowing at 5 : 45 instead . But the thing is , they didn 't just crow once . They would crow and crow . I would wake up with the crowing and even though no one ever complained , I was getting so stressed that my neighbors would confront me about the * & % # @ roosters and their * ^%$#@ ! crowing . I put an ad on craigslist and this morning I had someone come pick them up . I 'm much sadder than I thought I 'd be . Jackie , especially , had so much personality , and I 'd become so attached to him . They both were so sweet . When they 'd sleep , the hens would sleep huddled together in a corner , and the roosters would sleep on the outside , protecting them , I 'm sure . The roosters were much braver and would interact with us more than the hens . I 'm going on vacation next week , but when I get back I 'd like to get 2 or 3 new hens . It won 't be the same , of course , but it will fill in the flock again . I took the chicks out again today so I could clean out the pen . The chicks love being able to roam around and to investigate . I like having them out as well - - they get a chance to eat some of the food that falls out of the pen . I hate wasting food . Poppy especially likes eating bugs and that makes me happy as well . This time when I went to put them back in the pen it was Poppy that was hard to catch . Apparently , the last one is going to be the most difficult . I think the other ones are unaware of what 's going on until the very last . I finally caught Poppy when he ( yes , he ) trapped himself betwween two gas cans . Happy Fourth of July ! Kevin and I spent the day working on the chicken coop and we 're getting close - ish to being done . The pictures don 't do the coop justice . The main thing is that it 's not cock - eyed . That 's just me apparently . The other thing is that it 's cuter than it looks in the picture . I was having a hard time shooting around construction materials , so the coop isn 't being photographed at its best . Anyway , the large opening will be a door for me to clean the coop and to get eggs . The smaller opening will be a chicken door . The chickens will have a ramp that they can go up and down into and out of the chicken coop . Oh , and yes the background to the coop has changed again . My neighbor put up the rest of the fence yesterday , so the entire backyard is fenced , and all but about 15 - 20 is privacy fence . Mostly the chicks will be in the coop and run , but I may let them out when I 'm back there with them . There are too many predators , e . g . cats , hawks , etc . , to let them out when I 'm not there . There 's a woman in Montana who brings chickens to nursing homes as a memory therapy . Apparently , at least for the ones that grew up on farms , petting chickens helps bring back memories . Interesting . I get e - mails from Murray McMurray Hatchery and the last one they sent offered 6 - week red star pullets for $ 8 . 95 . Since it looks like I have two roosters , I thought I 'd see about getting a couple . I may have done this wrong , but when I put in my zip code to see what the shipping would be , it came up as $ 55 . 00 ! I know they 're live animals and need about more care , but $ 55 . 00 ? I need to read more about it . If I 'm wrong about the shipping , I 'll let you know . I hate to admit , but I 'm pretty bad about changing the cardboard that we have on the bottom of the pen . I 'm not sure how long this one had been in there , but it was getting pretty awful . Part of the problem is that I never remember to bring cardboard home . To make do instead , I finished a feedbag and decided to use that as the floor . It fits so - so , but it 's clean . We 'll see how long it lasts . Anyway , it 's near impossible to change the cardboard when the chicks are in there . They take up too much room and change really unsettles them , so I took them out and let them peck around in the " garage " until I was done . I think they really liked that . They pecked and chirped quietly until I started putting them back in the pen and then only when Birdie didn 't get back in right away did they seem to get upset . I put Honey , Jackie and Poppy in with no problem . Bee ran around a bit , but she wasn 't really that much of a problem either . That Birdie , though . She ran around me in circles . On one hand , she really wanted to be with the rest of the flock , and on the other , she did not want to be picked up . All is settled now that they 're together again in their snug pen . I think they 'll enjoy being in the coop , but I may need to get a chicken net for Birdie if I let them out in the backyard . Bee trying to get a worm that utimately Poppy and Jackie stole from her and didn 't eat . Posted by Here is another coop update : We have the back and closest side done , sort of - - we still have to finish the window and the back triangle part - - and I started painting the roof . The color is Wilmington Tan . We wanted something woody - looking and somewhat light in color to keep it coolish . I 'm awful about picking paint colors ( my kitchen is a case in point - - bright pink . I thought it would be cherry - colored ) , but I think I like this . I 'm planning on painting the sides either Wickerware or Honey Tone . It should look kind of honey bee - ish . We finally got some rain yesterday , so it 's a bit cooler than it 's been . I know the chicks are thankful . Ordinarily , I 'd love rain anytime and as much as possible , but I hope it holds off tonight to give the paint time to dry . So we 've been working diligently on the chicken coop every chance we get , which I have to tell you is a bit hard . It 's so , so hot out there . This is the hottest June I can remember . It 's been in the high 90s , probably even reaching 100 degrees most every day last week . But between the heat and finding the time , we 're slowly making progress . The poor chicks hate the heat . The get a little bit of early morning sun , which is still hot , and then they are in the shade for the rest of the day . Even so , they 're hot and have their little beaks open most of the time , panting . I think the chicken coop will provide even more shade and will be cooler , but in the mean time , they 're in the best possible place . When we were working on the coop Friday , my neighbor who is going to build the fence back near the coop stopped by . She wanted to talk about the fence , but , of course , asked what we were building . When I told her a chicken coop , she told me that she had grown up on a farm and loved chickens . I showed her the chicks , and the man she was with , who had also grown up on a farm , said , " You have a rooster ; in fact , you have two roosters . " That , with no prompting from me . I 'm still hoping that he 's wrong , but I 'm mentally preparing myself in case he 's right . My other neighbor stopped by as well ( my yard buts up to six other yards ! ! ! ) and also asked what we were building . I couldn 't read his expression about what he thought about me keeping chickens , but now the secret is out . Well , for two out of my six neighbors . Posted by We have the roof on the chicken coop finished ! It was too late to take any pictures , but hopefully I 'll be able to post some tomorrow . The coop itself should be taking shape soon . I woke up this morning to the sound of crowing ? Maybe . I 'm not sure . Early this morning , I heard loud sounds coming from the chicken pen . It repeated about four or five times , but I couldn 't make out who was doing it , and in my sleep - adled state , I can 't even be sure that 's what I heard . I sat outside with the chicks for quite a long time , but it wasn 't repeated . I have to say that if one of the chicks is a rooster I 'm voting for Poppy . Jackie is bigger than Pop and also has a comb and wattle , but she just seems more hen - ny . Maybe it 's also that I think we 're more attached to Jackie than any of the others . She has always been the biggest and the most curious . If I have any roosters , I 'm not sure what I 'll do . I may be able to keep one , but I don 't think I could handle two . Plus the crowing . I 'm not sure what my neighbors would think of the crowing . Anyway , time will tell . . . . Here 's a few things I observed this morning : Chicks can be quite silly . Birdie was standing up near the chicken wire looking at me when all of a sudden Honey ran up and tried to jump on her back . I think because Birdie was being still Honey thought she was an inanimate object that she could perch on , like the waterer . The chicks are much noisier when I 'm not around . I came inside for a few minutes this morning and there was such chatter . When I went back outside , they all calmed down and hardly said a peep . The smaller ones like to perch on the waterer and the stick I put in the pen . Poppy tried to perch on the waterer a couple of times , but she 's really too big and kept sliding off . Poppy ate two ants while I was out there . Not a big deal I know , but I have seen them try to catch flies before - - which I 've never seen them actually succeed at doing - - so the ants are the first bugs I 've seen them eat . I 'm not sure how much time we 'll have to work on the chicken coop this weekend , so Kevin came over to work on it this evening . We have the roof almost done . . . although the last few pieces will be the hardest . Hopefully , we 'll get a few minutes ( ha ha ) to get the roof done this weekend . I 'll need to get some paint on it soon . Posted by My brother Jon and Amy brought Kaley over to see Birdie . They also brought the chicks a treat - - corn on the cob ! You would have thought that the chicks would be so excited about something new to eat . They only have their feed and wood chips to eat ( just kidding , sort of ) . I put the plastic container with the corn in it in the pen originally because there were so many loose kernels , and the chicks just cowered together in a corner . We took the cobs out , thinking that they just had an aversion to plastic , but they had to find their courage to even investigate them . Finally , Jackie ( of course ) started to peck on a cob and that opened the door for all of them to peck at the same cob . They hate being left out . An hour later and the cobs are pretty much stripped clean . We worked on the chicken coop for most of the afternoon today , and I have to say it 's pretty pleasant back there . We were in the sun for an hour or so and then we were in the shade for the rest of the time . As you can see , we started putting the roof on . What you can 't see are the braces that we added . It 's getting more stable and closer to being finished . We still have so , so much to do , but it 's coming along . Plus , technically , we have about three more weeks until we need to have the coop done . The chicks won 't be ready to lay eggs for a while , and I think that 's when the coop will be more necessary . Right now , they 'd probably enjoy scratching around in the dirt , but they 're fine for the time being . Posted by

Some of you may have noticed the lovely new picture of the girls . It is , once again , courtesy of my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn . She takes awesome pictures . Here are a few more of the ones she took of the girls that day . If you live in or around the Southern California area ( mostly San Diego ) , please contact her to take awesome pictures of your family . You can check her out here on Facebook . Thanks BethAnnDoddKoehn ! ! ( The rest of you can just call her Beth . ) This past weekend , Andy and I were in a wedding about four hours north of Los Angeles . Well , I was a bridesmaid and he actually performed the wedding . He got ordained on line a few months back . My husband - a minister ! It 's kinda funny . Anyway , we decided a while ago that we weren 't going to take the girls with us . Instead we were going to have a fun weekend away , just the two of us . I asked my parents if they would fly out to take care of the girls and to say they were excited to do it , would be an understatement . My parents live in Florida , as do my in - laws . So , we don 't have anyone near by who we can rely on to come watch the girls for a weekend if need be . Sometimes it really sucks . A few years back my in - laws made a trip with us up north for a different wedding we attended . They took care of the girls in the hotel , while Andy and I went to the festivities . That time we couldn 't leave the girls alone , because Georgia was only 3 weeks old and nursing . This time , however , my girls are all fairly self sufficient and easier to care for . Leaving them for a weekend wouldn 't be an impossible task . Well , except for the missing them part . Andy and I hadn 't been away together since before Sonya was born , so it was something we definitely needed . It was generous of my parents to fly all the way from Florida , just to watch the girls for one weekend , but I think in some ways they were more excited to come do that , than we were to go away alone . The weekend was going to be a busy one for them . Sonya had a very early baseball game Saturday morning , and baseball pictures in the afternoon . She was also hoping Nona and Grampy would take them all to the farm one day , to pick strawberries and vegetables . That kid loves the farm . Add in shopping at the outlets for clothes , and they had themselves quite a full weekend . I was a little worried about them driving all over Los Angeles , but then again , we drove all over the world when I was a kid , WITHOUT a GPS , so I knew my father could handle it . I did make a book full of maps with a sThe most important thing was the girls were happy and safe . They really didn 't even miss us . I was afraid that when we called to talk to them , at least one of them ( Lana ) would start crying . They could have cared less really . I 'm sure some of that comes from the fact that they 're older and know that eventually we will return , but the other part of that is they felt cared for and loved by their Grandparents . They don 't get to see them all that often , two maybe three times a year . Usually when they do , I 'm always around , so it 's not the same . My parents said they were excellent all weekend , without one problem or issue . Of course they were ! They are always better for everyone else . I suppose that is good though . Better to have them lose it with me , even if it doesn 't seem fair since I am the one who takes care of them ALL THE TIME , but whatever . As for Andy , me and our weekend getaway . We had also had a fabulous time . The wedding was fun and Andy did a great job marrying our friends . Perhaps he can make extra money doing this on the side . Anyone need an officiant for their wedding ? We had a hot spring hot tub on the balcony of our room that we made use of and got to sleep late . For real sleep late , not try to lay in bed while we hear the girls playing and fighting . That was good , since I may have had a tad too much wine at the wedding . And after the wedding . We enjoyed being alone , or at least without kids , for an entire weekend for the first time in over seven years . We 'll just say what happened at the Paso Robles Inn , stayed at the Paso Robles Inn . I took my parents to the airport on Monday morning , and Georgia and Lana were with me . They said their goodbyes and were sad they were leaving , but seemed okay with it . Then after school on Monday Lana 's teacher said she cried twice during school because she was sad Nona and Grampy were gone . She didn 't cry when I left for the weekend , of course , but was a mess when my parents left . Nice . It 's okay , I 'm glad that they all had such a great time . It makes me feel less guPosted by I 've been pulled over three times in the 22 years I 've been driving . ( Wait a second - 22 years ? REALLY ? ! I AM getting old ! ) As I was saying , I 've been pulled over twice for speeding , and once for rolling through a stop sign . Every time I 've been pulled over I 've been given a ticket . That is until today . This morning , I had to take Georgia to school because Andy had to leave a bit early . Then my plan was to drop Lana off at Angelina 's and go get my nails done for the wedding I 'm in this weekend . I was late taking Georgia , and on the way there I realized I forgot to call my friend who picks Sonya up on Thursdays . I needed to tell her to not pick Sonya up today . I grabbed my cell to call her , because I was afraid if I didn 't do it right then I 'd forget . My memory works that way , which means it doesn 't work very well at all . Now I know the law in the state of California is that it is illegal to use your cell phone when driving . There are some states that haven 't passed that law yet , but I do live in one that has . I know this . The fact is I rarely use my phone in the car , unless it is for a quick call . I don 't have a bluetooth , and my car is not set up for one the way Andy 's is . I knew the call would be quick , but I know that is no excuse . Still , I did it anyway . I couldn 't have been on more than 45 seconds . It was just long enough to tell her don 't pick Sonya up today , goodbye . That was all it took for the police officer in the car RIGHT NEXT TO ME see it . Too bad I didn 't see him . I had to make a right turn and that 's when I saw him pull up to turn behind me . At first I thought , or I was just hoping , he had decided to turn too . He wasn 't behind me to pull me over was he ? For what ? The phone ? I hadn 't been on long enough for him to even see , had I ? Then I took the right turn , and he follows with his lights on . Perhaps he had noticed the phone call . DAMN ! He walked up to my car , asked for my license and registration then asked if I knew why he pulled me over . Not wanting to admit to anything that he might not have seen , I said I didn 't . Then he asked if I was aware that it was illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving in California . Oh THAT ? ! Yes , well , I wasn 't on but a few seconds and I really never used my cell in the car , I swear and I 'm so sorry ! " Okay , " he said , taking my information . " I 'll be right back . " He actually seemed like a really nice police officer and for half of a second I thought he might let it go . But then I saw him walk to his cruiser and pull out his paperwork to do what I knew he would . What happens every time I get pulled over . I am never one of those lucky ones who gets away with warnings , or a slap on the wrist and a " don 't do it again " . Nope , I always get the ticket . As I sat there , upset with myself , the girls started asking questions again . After the kid inquisition , I sat there wondering how much this was going to cost and how I was going to mention it to Andy . Crap . This sucked . Even twenty years later I had to worry about telling someone about getting a ticket . Then something awesome happened . The officer walked up to my window , ticket in hand with my license and registration . I assumed he was coming to explain it to me and have me sign it . Instead he said , " This is going to cause me a whole bunch of paperwork , because I already started writing it , but I just can 't give you a ticket the day after your birthday ! " WHAT ? You mean you 're LETTING ME GO ? ? ? With only one of those warnings that everyone else I know gets ? How fantastic are you ? ? ! ! And he really was . He wasn 't one of those jerky cops , but a nice guy who policed the small city of Burbank . I thanked him profusely , promised I would NOT be doing that again . He told me stories of accidents scenes he 's called to and how nine times out of ten , the person has been talking or texting . I told him I did know better and was wrong . I thanked him again , he handed me my license and I was off . I couldn 't believe it ! I actually got out of a ticket for the first time ever ! I did learn my lesson though . I didn 't dare even look at my phone for the rest of the day in the car . Then on my trip to Target , I bought a bluetooth headset , just in case I do need to make any kind of quick call . I set a bad example for my girls once , I didn 't need to do it again . And see , I didn 't even need the ticket to learn my lesson , warnings and second chances really do work on people like me . Posted by So , yeah . Today is my birthday . Yay . And yes I am 38 . Not a fabulous age or birthday . Still a couple years from 40 with is both good , because I 'm not ready for 40 and bad , because at least 40 is a big deal . It 's not that I hate getting older necessarily . It does freak me out because as I get older I realize that my life could be half over . On the other hand , getting older has made me more comfortable with myself . I know who I am and my strengths , weaknesses , and all my craziness . I 'm okay with all of it . I understand people and situations better . I feel like I 'm getting wiser with each year , but am also smart enough to know there is still more I could learn . I am also okay with where I am , because , and not to brag , but I am in better shape than I 've been in for years . Well , except for the boobs . Those will never be what they were without surgical help . Since we don 't have an extra few thousand dollars laying around , I will just have to rely on the good people at Victoria 's Secret to make them look better . But besides that , I am in great shape from all the hard work I 've put in , working out and watching what I eat . It 's not always easy with three kids , but they are all at an age now where I can concentrate on myself just a little bit . I feel good about it . So even though I 'm getting older , at least I 'm holding it together . For the time being anyway . Either way , getting older isn 't that bad . As my Pop - pop used to say , " beats the hell out of the alternative . " I 've talked about my Grandfather on this blog before . Today he turns 85 . He is my last Grandparent alive , and I am lucky enough to live near him , so that my girls get a chance to know him . A year and a half ago , he lost my Grandmother , his wife of over 60 years . Although , she 's only been gone two years , it 's emotionally been longer than that for him . She developed Alzheimer 's several years before her passing , and didn 't know him or anyone else for a good portion of that time . Grandpa has been lonely for a quite a while . After she passed , he spent most of his days in a chair in the room he lives in at my uncle 's house , either sleeping or watching TV . It seemed like he was just " waiting for his time " . Then something happened . Something I never thought I 'd see . My 85 year old Grandfather got himself a girlfriend . Grandpa usually comes to visit us at least once a month . He likes to see the girls , and he and I chat and catch up for about an hour , before he heads back home . It was during one of these visits that he told me about this lady who kept saving him seats next to her at church functions . She saved him a seat after a wedding and at a Christmas celebration . He told me how she had tracked him down at the Christmas party to make sure he knew that she had a seat saved next to her . " Um , Grandpa , " I said . " I think she might like you . " After Christmas , I didn 't hear from him for a while . At the end of last year he had talked about going to visit my parents in Florida in January like he had the year before . They never heard from him . Then he called me in February one day to see if I was at home . He was in Burbank , and wanted to stop by . Apparently , he had taken my advice and for the past month and a half had been driving to Burbank at least twice a week to see Matea . He wanted to bring her by and introduce her to me and the girls . Unfortunately , I was in the middle of one of my crazy drive all over Burbank for gymnasticgirlscoutpianobaseball days and wasn 't going to be home . I told him to let me know ahead of time when he 'd be in town again , so I could make sure we could meet up . Otherwise , I told him to bring her to Lana 's birthday party the next month . How was I to know how that disaster of a day would turn out ? Unfortunately , that is what he ended up doing . I don 't know if any of you remember that story of Lana 's awesome birthday party , but it was not a friendly environment for a couple in their 80 's . Between the rain outside and the extreme noise inside , they weren 't looking to stay for too long . Can 't say I blamed them . I did manage to say hi and meet her for a brief minute . I was able to grab each of the girls for ten seconds to introduce them and then they were off . Grandpa and Matea went to the living room , had cake and then excused themselves about twenty minutes later . I felt bad but there was not much I could do except invite them over again in more calm and quiet circumstances . So last week Grandpa and his girlfriend stopped by for a visit . The girls were all here and they had a little more time to show off their cuteness and yes , more of their craziness . Matea didn 't seem to be bothered by the antics of my girls , and I had a chance to talk and get to know her . Turns out she was born and raised in Burbank . She also raised her four kids here . She is a very sweet woman and likes Grandpa A LOT . They sat on the couch next to each other , holding hands and making googly eyes the entire time they were here . If they weren 't so much older it would have been annoying , but I gotta admit , Geriatric love is adorable . They left after about an hour or so . I gave Grandpa a birthday card with a gift certificate to one of five different restaurants . He was excited and announced that he had wanted to take her to one of those places . I was excited he had someone to go with him out to eat again . He was happier than I 've seen him in years . It sounds cheesy , but there is a certain spark in his eye . He 's found a reason to keep going , and I couldn 't be happier . After they left , that night at dinner Sonya said to me , " Well , yeah sort of . She 'll be your step Great - Grandma , " I informed her . " Is that okay with you if that happens ? " I am also okay with this idea . My Grandpa and Matea were both concerned with how their families were going to react to their dating , but as far as I can tell , at least on Grandpa 's side , we are all so very happy for him . He 's brought up the subject of getting married to her a couple times to me . Sure it 's only been four months , but as he said " I 'm not getting any younger ! " At 85 , that is the truth , but whatever time he has left , might as well be spent with someone he likes to be with and not his chair and television . So I 'm hoping that they do make it official because it 's great to see that even at 85 love and happiness can be found . Happy Birthday Grandpa ! Here 's to ( at least ) another ten happy in love years ! ! A few weeks ago , when my friend Trista was here with her husband and baby , I came to a bad realization . My girls were starting to get out of control . They weren 't listening to me at all , talking back and throwing tantrums more than ever . I had become somewhat complacent because , to be honest , sometimes I just get tired of doing this job . ( Sorry Trista and Jesse for the girls ' bad behavior ) . Then we went to visit Andy at work later that same week , and I saw even more clearly how unruly they were becoming . We went to say hi to his boss and the girls did everything but turn the place upside down , ignoring every " no , stop that " Andy and I uttered . Yeah , it wasn 't good . I realized I had to do something . I couldn 't let them continue to act like crazy kids . I know that children aren 't going to be well behaved all the time , but I did not want to have those kids who were terrible constantly . So , I decided to seek help in a book called This is a book I read years ago , when Sonya was younger and starting to show signs of insubordination . I put it into practice back then and it worked . I 've tried to continue to use it , but you know , things fall by the wayside after a while . Having babies fifteen months apart will do that to you . So , I decided I needed a refresher course . I pulled the book off the shelf and skimmed through it hitting the major points . The basic idea is that you use counting to stop bad behavior like , talking back , yelling , fighting , tantrums , etc . We all mostly use counting to three in some form , as have I . The key is to not get stuck on two . . . . two and haaallllfff . . . and to also keep your emotions out of it . Something I have a VERY hard time with . I sometimes am the one having the temper tantrums . When you get to a count of three , they get a time out or another consequence you 've established . In our house the key thing to take away is treats . In other houses it might be TV or video games , but neither of those works for us . They could care less about video games and rarely watch TV anymore . But treats . . . you 'd think I was taking away Christmas . The other half of the discipline is to use timers or charts for " start behaviors " . This includes cleaning their rooms , unloading the dishwasher , or even eating dinner . That last one is for Lana . If they don 't get whatever they are supposed to get done in their allowed amount of time , they have a consequence . If it 's cleaning their rooms and it 's not done in the twenty minutes I give them , then I take all the toys not in their proper place and put them in a garbage bag . Then they go off to the garage until the next evening . If Lana doesn 't eat her dinner in twenty minutes - or most of it - then she misses out on any type of bread we are having or a dessert , if that is offered . I know , I 'm mean , but damn if it didn 't start to work . I explained the rules to the girls when I started this a few weeks back . They all understood , but they were all taken aback by how serious I was about this . I think that first week everyone had at least one or two timeouts a day and there were no treats for anyone for at least five days . It was a rough week , as they figured out how serious I was about this . Lana and Georgia lost half their toys to the garage one night . I know they didn 't think I would do it , but I sure did . They cried for fifteen minutes about their lost toys . Here 's the thing , it 's not like they were cleaning that whole time and just ran out of time to finish . If that was the case I would give them more time to clean up their mess . However , twenty minutes is more than enough time for them to do what needs to be done . They just chose to screw around for the first twelve minutes . Turns out eight minutes is NOT enough time for them to clean up their huge mess . The next night they had everything cleaned up in ten . They were not about to lose their toys for a second night . If nothing else , they learn quickly ! After a week , I was giddy with how well my new strategy was working . They were doing what they were asked . The back talk and eye rolls were kept to a minimum , and I was actually starting to like them again . Then we had a backslide last week for a few days , where they didn 't want to listen and I may have been a bit more irritable , letting my emotions get the better of me at times . PMS . It happens . What can you do ? So it 's not a perfect system , because I 'm not perfect and neither are they , but it 's one that seems to be working a lot better than what I was doing before . Before it was just a lot of me yelling and giving up . I feel more in control and better about my parenting . I even started a star chart for them to encourage their good behavior . I didn 't want things to be taken away from them only . They needed to want to be good for something , not just so they wouldn 't lose treats . So now when they do something good , or do a chore when asked the first time , I let them color in a star . When they get to the end of the stars - 14 of them - they get to pick a prize from the prize box . Otherwise known as the $ 1 Target bin . The girls are not always happy with this new system and sometimes become more irritated when I start to count them . This , of course , leads me to the next number sooner and usually lands them in time out . They can 't be good all the time , but this is definitely helping them learn to make better choices and become more well behaved . I guess I didn 't realize how much this was annoying them , or at least Sonya , until I was in her room changing her sheets last week . Her closet door was open and I noticed a paper on the floor with her writing . It looked like one of her " projects " she likes to work on , so I picked it up to see what she was working on , then laughed aloud when I saw this : I guess she really wasn 't happy with the new system , and this was her way of getting back at me . It makes sense , because she was probably the one most affected . Lana is used to time outs , and Georgia doesn 't really get in trouble all that often . Sonya , however , had been getting difficult for me to deal with . She had more timeouts and treats taken away in that first week than I 'm sure either of us care to admit . She gets it now , and is starting to be more respectful of me . Something she was seriously lacking before , which was my fault for not teaching her or demanding it more . We all let our kids get out of control every once in a while , but the important thing is to recognize it and reel them in before they get to " Oh my god ! Did you see what that little girl did ? ? " status . It 's never to late to discipline your kids . If you need help , I highly recommend this book , although I 'm sure there 's other great ones out there . The important thing is to just do it . It will suck for everyone for a couple weeks and might even seem to stop working from time to time , but keep with it . Those of us who are trying to do everything we can to raise our kids to be good people , don 't want our kids to have nothing but assholes to associate with in the future , just because their parents didn 't feel like disciplining them . Don 't let me fool you into thinking I know it all , however . I still suck at this some days , but I just keep trying . This job is tough but you can 't give up , even if there are days you want to . If you do , you let the terrorists win . At least that 's what I 've heard . Posted by I thought before it got to far away from Lana 's birthday , I would share with you the Hello Kitty cupcakes I made for her party and to take to her school . Because , you know , I 'm getting all creative with my cupcakes lately , and " Cupcake Wars " is sooo going to be calling me any day now . These gals were a bit easier to make than the giraffes from a couple months ago , but still all my own creation . Here 's what you need : Frost the cupcakes with white frosting . Then , using the black frosting or gel tube , make the eyes and the whiskers . The eyes are more vertically oval than they are round . After that I took a yellow skittle or M & M and put it in between the eyes for the nose . Then I took a Flipz pretzel and carefully cut it into thirds . Be careful cutting these , because they have a tendency to break into more than three pieces . I chose the best two to stick in the top of the cupcake for her ears . The finishing touch was the bow . At first I had no idea what I was going to use . As it turns out , Sour Patch Kids look like a hair bow . So I placed a Sour Patch Kid horizontally on the right " ear " . Viola ! Hello Kitty Cupcakes . Please direct " Cupcake Wars " to this blog so they know who to contact for their " Kids Birthday Parties " episode . Posted by A couple months ago , I started hearing rumblings about these books called , " The Hunger Games " . I had heard about the movie that was coming out in March , but knew nothing of it . It wasn 't on my radar at all . Then I went to my monthly meeting for the board I 'm on at the school I take Lana and Georgia to . Someone mentioned the movie and the books , and one of the moms started telling us how great they were and briefly described the premise . It intrigued me , but I was in the middle of a book at the time , so I just filed it away in my memory bank for a later date . Except things tend to get lost in there these day , so I kinda forgot about it . Then about a month ago , I started hearing more and more about the books everywhere , due to the movie soon to be released . Anyone who had read the books loved them , so I decided to give ' em a go . I ordered the first one from Amazon and by the time I got it , I was ready to start a new book . I was immediately sucked in and found myself trying to find any time to read even a page . I stayed up way later than I should have , spent extra time in the bathroom , and let the kids play a bit longer in the bathtub , just so I could read more . It was SO DAMN GOOD ! I hadn 't been into a book like that since " Harry Potter " . Most of the time it takes me a few weeks to get through a book , because I rarely have time to read . But when you 're staying up until 1am , turns out you can get through a book in a week . Which is what I did . When I ordered that book , I thought about ordering all three , but decided against it . What if I didn 't like the first one and didn 't care about reading the others . This is kind of how I felt about " The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo " . Not that it wasn 't good , I just don 't really care all that much about reading the others . It never hooked me like this one did . Well , once I read the last page of " The Hunger Games " , I was cursing myself that I didn 't get the other two . I thought about going on line and ordering them on Amazon , but that would take a few days for them to arrive . I didn 't think I could wait even an hour to see what sort of fate waited for Katniss and Peeta . I had to go to Target anyway that week , so why not just pick up the books while I was there ? Okay , perhaps I went to Target to get the books and got other things I needed while I was there , but whatever . I didn 't go just to get the books . You can 't go to Target to just get one thing anyway . Ever . I swear there are subliminal messages hiding in that store to make you buy more stuff . When I got there , I immediately went to the book section . It 's not big , but they always have the latest best selling books . I stood in front of the best selling fiction section searching for the final two books in the series . Nothing . Didn 't see them anywhere . Could the be sold out ? No , there wasn 't even a tag for them anywhere . I scanned each row of books , conYoung Adult Yup . I like the books for kids ! Okay , but young adult means at least 18 - 24ish right ? So that 's not THAT bad . I mean I 'm going to be 38 in two weeks , but whatever . Then I reminded myself , that wait , I don 't care . That first book was awesome and I can 't wait to read the second and third one . Besides , I was and am a huge fan of the " Harry Potter " series and those weren 't exactly meant for middle age adults either . Yet just about everyone I know has read them . And really the way Sonya reads , she just might ask to read " The Hunger Games " in the next couple of years . I have to make sure it 's appropriate for her age , so let 's just call it research . I grabbed the books and threw them in my cart , then went and found the other $ 80 worth of things I didn 't really need to buy . It took me less than a week to read the second and I 'm currently on the last book . I 'm trying to take my time with this one though , because I know it 's the last one . Plus I REALLY needed to start going to bed earlier . I was starting to feel like I did when the girls were newborns . Oh and I needed to stop neglecting them for the books because one day , when I was trying to sneak a read in , Sonya said to me , Yes , yes I do . But hey , I will try to cut you a little slack in a couple years when you are hiding under your covers with these books and a flashlight until 11pm trying to get , " just one more chapter " in . Posted by " Oooohhhh ! ! " I said , realizing what they meant . " I think you mean ' snap out of it ' . " Somewhere along the way , I 'm sure they 've heard the phrase . I may have even said it myself a time or two , they just transposed the words . Then Sonya sighed , rolled her eyes at me and said , " NO mom ! It 's ' snap it out ' ! " Oh I 'm sorry . I didn 't realize in her seven years she gained more wisdom and knowledge than I have in almost 38 . I guess I should just " snap it out " . Posted by One of my friends got Lana this " auto tuner " microphone Paper Jamz for her birthday . The girls all LOVE it . Okay , I LOVE it . ( Thanks Kelly Kimball ! ) It 's fun to sing into and listen to it distort your voice to make it sound better , or worse . Last week I recorded the little girls singing Coldplay 's " Paradise " into it . Why that song ? This is their current favorite song to sing . Well , that and Fun 's " We Are Young " . Yup , nothing like your 3 and 5 year old singing to a song about getting drunk at a bar and having someone there to carry you home . What ? ? It 's a GOOD song ! Anyway - I stuck with recording this one . Also because they will be hearing it a bunch more as I play it over and over again to get ready for their concert in May . My family just bought me tickets for my birthday ! I 'm so excited ! I hear Coldplay puts on one of the best shows ever . Thanks Mom , Dad , Beth and Megan ! Now , maybe if I can get this video to Chris Martin , he 'll upgrade my seats to front row . Or call me for a playmate with Apple and Moses . How could he not with all that talent and cuteness ? Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that .