Datasets:

metaeval

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offensive-humor

like 5

What starts with "P" and ends with "orn?"

Popcorn!

/r/askreddit thread "What's the best clean joke you know" with thousands of replies

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/zrotp/whats_the_best_clean_joke_you_know/

A bear walks into bar...

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender says, " how's it going?" the bear says, " I'm..................... Fine," the bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?" and the bear says, " but I've always had these paws."

A twist on a few old classics...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: who do you think you are, questionig the motives of a chicken? Q: horse walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?" A: a horse is not a human, therefore does not understand the english language. It is tranquilized, and the bartender is shamed for not acting responsibly. Please tell me if this belongs in a different subreddit! Thanks!

When is a door not a door?

When it's a jar

Late night visitor

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

https://www.google.com/search?q=road+signs

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home all the signs were there.

Batman doesn't have nightmares

Nightmares have batman

The reason angels can fly...

...is that they take themselves lightly. **G. K. Chesterton**

I may be middle-class, but I'm hard.

*Al denté*, you might say. **Jimmy Carr**

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Two fish in a tank. [x-post from r/Jokes]

One asks: How do you drive this thing?

Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today

Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&feature=related

Why is Ireland the richest country in the world?

Because it's capital is always Dublin.

I rang up a local builder and said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."

**Tim Vine**

What did the owner of a brownie factory say when his factory caught fire?

"I'm getting the fudge outta here!"

This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them.

Demetri Martin

There once was a girl from Nantucket...

Who carried her ice in a bucket. She walked down a hill. She had a great spill. And when she got up, she said, "I'm going to watch my step next time!"

My own joke let me know what you think and how I might improve it?

A man has an urgent letter he needs to send but he's to far from a post office so he walks into the nearest place of business and asks - do you have any outgoing mail? The guy behind the counter turns to him and says; "you know, I've never really taken the time to get to know the character of the letters we send..."

Three tomatoes are walking down the street.

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says, ketchup. (From a very good movie, anyone know the name? I want to see if anyone can guess it!)

Where did Napoleon Bonaparte keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

A man is driving down a country road...

A man is driving down a country road one day, when a rabbit cross the road and jumps in front of his car. The man kills the rabbit and is horribly upset. He is crying by the side of the road when a woman drives by. She stops her car, gets out and asks him what's wrong. He explains that he has accidentally killed this poor rabbit, and he is beside himself. "I have just the solution for your problem", the woman tells him. She walks over to her car and pulls out a can and sprays the contents onto the dead rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit comes back to life! It hops forward about a 500 metres, turns around, and waves. Turns around, hops forward another 500 metres and waves again. The rabbit continues to do this until he can no longer be seen. The man is shocked, and asks, "how did you do that? What's in the can?" The woman hands him the can, and it says... Hair spray, restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.

Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?

He was held without charge.

Nickelback walks into a bar....

So Nickelback walks into a bar, and there is no punchline, because ruining music isn't funny.

Two Peanuts

There were two peanuts walking down the street, they were both assaulted. (If you don't get this then read this in an Italian accent).

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are on a train...

"Silverstein!" exclaims the Jew, "Who's your friend?" "His name's Mohammad," replies the Muslim, "But he's no friend of mine since he became a convert." (blatantly stolen from the play, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead")

My friend says she's doing good

but she means well

Have you guys ever heard of the crazy Mexican Train Killer?

He had...... Loco Motives

Two pretzels..

Two pretzels went walking down the street, one was "assaulted"

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look at me I'm changing.

What's red and is bad for your teeth?

A brick

What do you call a monk that operates a door unlocking service?

A monkey. (p.s. I have a wonderful, terrible love for bad jokes)

A photon walks into a hotel.

The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "

I don't have the faintest idea why I passed out

Just a short pun

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?

Pardon me, I'm just a little hoarse.

Did ya hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

He had no *body* to go with

Why did the plane crash?

...The pilot was a tomato.

Reinventing Yourself

http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing-yourself-doesnt-always-work.html

So the Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar

It was Tense

Why did Mrs. Grape leave Mr. Grape?

She was tired of raisin kids.

I wrote a silly joke which you mind find moderately unclean.

Let's hope I don't get the banhammer. Here goes: funny guy: "Did I ever tell you that my former lover was a restaurant?" humor recipient: "No. That's absurd." funny guy: "It's true! The food was good, but the cervix was awful."

What's so great about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

How To Catch A Polar Bear

Things you will need: 1 Can of peas, large drill, a good pair of boots...... Take the large drill and cut a hole in the ice. (has to be big enough for a polar bear to fit!) Open the can of peas and place them around the hole in the ice.(polar bears love peas) Wait patiently................ :: Polar bear approaches:: When he bends over to take a pea , kick him square in the Ice hole

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just gave a little wine

Knock knock

Who's there? Abby. Abby who. A bee has stolen my wallet. (I will show my self out)

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

Why do Java developers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger.

And then it hit me.

I thought I had a brain tumor

but then I realized it was all in my head.

why did the cookie go to the doctor?

because he felt crummy.

I'm a social person.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

“We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” says the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

What do they call a monastery key that opens all doors?

Monk key

What do you call a fish with no eye?

fsh

My dad emailed me this one. I got a good chuckle. "What's in a name?"

What's in a name? Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

The professor walks into the bar...

...and says to the bartender, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender, a bit perplexed, asks him, "Do you mean martini?" The professor replied, "No thanks, I'll just start with one."

Why don't sperm banks hire middle eastern people

They keep saying "thank you, Come again"

How do you catch a bra?

You set a booby trap.

Why did the banker leave his job?

he lost interest

If you give a mouse a cookie..

If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That's unsanitary.

What did the hot dogs name their child?

Frank

I caught my roommate's cat attempting to eat my Bible.

I guess he got hungry for God's word.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm working on it.

What letter looks most like a shoe?

A "D" does. (Say it out loud)

Where do snowmen dance?

At the snowball!

Why did the buddhist refuse novocaine when he went to get a tooth pulled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish

where does a general keep his armys?

in his sleevies.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FOUR!

What do kids eat for breakfast?

Yogoat!

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it'll kill you?

A pool table.

Two hot dogs are frying in a pan.

The firts hot dog turns to the other and says: "Wow, it's really getting hot in here!" The other hot dog replies: "OH MY GOD A TALKING HOT DOG."

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, they just waved.

What do you get when you sit on a potato?

A potato wedge! (I made this up when I was 9)

A duck walks into a bar...

...sits on the stool, slaps the countertop with a wing and says "Gimme a shot and a brew, and keep 'em comin'!" The bartender nods and prepares the order but on the inside is like, "Wow! A talking duck!" So he gives the duck a beer and a shot. He notices the duck wearing a helmet and flannel, so he asks, "So what are you in this part of town for, Duck?" Duck says, "Helping build a church down the road." The bartender smiles. "I'm surprised you don't work for the circus or something." Duck gets a sour look on his face, "CIRCUS? What the hell would a circus want with a bricklayer?"

What do mathematicians get if they stare at the roots of negative numbers for too long?

Square eyes

Why did the cowgirl name her pony ink?

Because it kept running out of the pen!! My favorite joke when young :).

Why did the tomato turned red?

Because it saw the salad dressing

Who is the roundest knight at King Arthur's table?

Sir Cumference.

By the twinkle in me eye?

One beautiful afternoon in the Scottish Highlands a young couple decided to go for a walk. After they went a wee ways Moiria turns to Angus and says "Why Angus you wouldn't want to be holding my hand right now would ya? Angus: How did ya know? Moiria: By the twinkle in your eye. So, they continue on, holding hands. After a bit Moiria stops turns to Angus and says "Why Angus you wouldn't want to be kissing me right now would ya?" Angus: Yes I would, how did ya know? Moiria: By the twinkle in your eye. They kiss and carry on with their walk. Moiria stops again and says: "Why Angus you wouldn't want to be rolling around in the grass with me right now would ya? Angus: Yes, how did you know? By the twinkle in me eye? Moiria: No, by the tilt in your kilt.

Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot!

Did you hear about the wedding between the two antenna?

The service was terrible, but the reception was great.

How do you measure the weight of a hipster?

In Instagrams.

Why'd the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side.

What did the number zero say to the number eight?

"Nice belt."

Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the gas station logo comes over to the side of the car. "What'll it be?" he says, hooking his fingers into his suspenders. "Premium, and fill 'er up," says the young man. The gas station attendant, himself a petrol-head, admires the car and as he begins filling up the tank, he says "This sure does look fast, but I'll bet ole Bessie's faster." He jerks a thumb toward a bright blue Charger. "I'll tell you what," he continues, "I'll let you have this tank of gas on the house if you can beat me to the county line." The kid mulls the offer over a bit. "A race? What if I lose?" "You pay double the cost of the tank of gas. And tell you what, I'll even give you a head start. Soon as I finish pumping, you take off. First one to the county line wins, if you get there first, just keep going." "OK!" The kid was excited at the prospect of not only getting to put his car through its paces, but getting a freebie out of the bargain as well. The old fellow drew the nozzle out, replaced the gas cap and slapped the fuel cover closed. The kid floored it out of the gas station. At first he didn't see anything behind him because of the dust. But as the dust cleared, he saw this tiny blue dot way back in the distance in his rear view mirror. The tiny dot began growing and growing and rapidly blurred past him. It was unbeliveably quick. He squinted and looked forward and could see way off ahead of him a tiny blue dot. It began growing and growing and again blurred past him at amazing speed until it was a tiny dot in the rearview mirror again. Once more the blue blur overtook him, but the kid realized he was approaching the county line and began to hit the brakes. Incredibly as he came to a stop at the county line, he saw the older fellow from the gas station laying in the middle of the road just ahead. He was covered in dirt and cuts and bruises. The kid was stunned. The old guy had beat him. "That was amazing! But what happened to you? Where's your car?" The old fellow stared up in horror at the kid, "Car nothing! My suspenders got hooked to your bumper!"

The basement (X-post from /r/jokes)

Mommy and daddy told me never to open the basement door. I never asked why. Every time I started casting too many glances toward it, every time I started getting too near it, every time I mentioned it, they'd scream at me. "Don't open the cellar door!" For 12 years I didn't know why. For 12 years I didn't know what was there. But not long after my 12th birthday, my parents weren't around. They weren't in the kitchen. Not in their bedroom. Couldn't find them in living room. I walked to the cellar door. If they weren't anywhere else, they must be here. And if they're one the other side of the door, I'm going there too. I reached for the doorknob. 12 years of warnings flowed through my mind as I turned and pulled. I saw things. Wonderful things. Trees. The sky. Other children! Edit1: thank you to /u/ingreenheaven for pointing out that my use of "down there" sort of messed up the joke. Sorry about that; it was a bit misleading.

What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?

[Denim, denim, denim.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI)

Why do librarians like the wind?

It says, "Shhh!" all day!

What did one frog say to the other?

Time's fun when you're having flies.

How do you catch a one-of-a-kind rabbit?

Unique up on it. How do you catch a very calm rabbit? The tame way.

How do sailors finish a corny joke on a boat?

Ba dum ship.

An elderly woman is walking by a church and sees people leaving...she's curious to know what's going on...

so she asks a man standing by, "Excuse me, but is mass out?" "No," he replied, "But your hat's on crooked."

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants

In case he gets a hole in one

What's the best thing to put into a pie

Your teeth.

Why did MC Hammer go to jail?

He was too legit to acquit

How much do pirates pay for earrings?

about a buck an ear.