Datasets:

metaeval

/

offensive-humor

like 5

Three lawyers walk into a bar..

.. exam. I'll go get my coat.

Why can't a Pirate make it through their ABC's?

They always get lost at C.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?

Claus-trophobic.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Did you hear about that new restaurant?

Russia and the US have been struggling lately to be the first to open a restaurant in space. After years of research and funding, the US finally opened a restaurant on the moon and the reviews for their opening weekend just came back. They read "Good drinks, good food, but there's just no atmosphere."

Why don't elves drive mini mokes?

Because moking is an elf hazard! (I posted this on /jokes a while back but it fits in better here :)

Is it just me...

...or are circles pointless?

Why was Hitler such a charismatic leader?

Kamfidence!

What did the floor say to the desk?

I can see your drawers!

Where do dinosaurs get their pickles from?

Vlasic Park

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business.

Whenever you drive a car,

your life is in your foot's hands.

Why did tomato blush?

because it saw the salad dressing

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints.

Which US state is the friendliest towards the Japanese?

Ohio

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot.

I just bought a Bonnie Tyler sat-nav.

It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

You can tune a guitar...

but you can't tuna fish!

What do you get when you have a cow with two long legs and two short?

Lean beef

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

So a string walks into a bar...

and asks for a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here." So he leaves, goes to the next bar and asks for a beer. The bartender there says "We don't serve strings here." So the string goes to the next bar but before he enters he musses up his hair and twists himself all out of shape. He hops through the door and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says "We don't serve strings here. Are you a string?" and the string says "No, I'm a frayed knot."

What did Virginia get when she alked inro rhe pet shop (state joke)

A New Hampshire

What did Virginia get when she walked into the pet shop? (state joke)

A New Hampshire

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

A polar bear walks into a bar...

And the bartender says, "What can I get ya!?"And the bear says, ".... ... ... I'll have a beer." The bartender says, "Well why the big pause (paws)?" And the bear response, "BECAUSE IM A BEAR!!"

So a woman is 3 pregnant when she falls into a coma

she awakes 6 months later and asks about her baby. The doctor assures her that everything went fine and she has twins, a boy and a girl! He tells the woman that since she was unconscious her brother named the kids. "Oh No!" the woman said "My brother is an idiot! What did that dummy name them?" "he named the girl Denise" the doctor told her. "well thats not so bad the woman said, and the boy?" "danephew"

Want to hear a dirty joke?

This boy trips and falls into some mud.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Best of 2012 is here! Don't wanna do it just based on votes, so comment with your favorite 5 jokes this year!

I'm gonna decide winners by the amount of times its posted-- so don't upvote a comment you agree with, re-comment it! Winners will be announced in one week. I kinda dropped the ball with it, and it may be too late, but if it is I'll just buy the top 5 Reddit gold myself, cause it'd be my fault. EDIT: Be sure to comment with the **URL** of the post. EDIT 2: If there's a joke in a comment that you loved, that's fair game too! EDIT 3: By edit 2, I mean in the comments of another post.

Why was the belt locked up?

Because it held a pair of pants.

Here's a joke you can text people you want to lose as friends.

Some people say jokes don't always translate well between text and speech, but I disagree. I guess it's as they say... Tomato tomato. (Just thought of this one, it may be awful, but there it is.)

Pool Cleaning Downtown Los Angeles

We offer the best swimming pool maintenance services in the Los Angeles. If you want to clean your pool services then visit at our website pooljr.com

What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu?

One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!

How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space?

It's a little meteor.

Why did the spider land on the keyboard?

She wanted a new website.

Two competing podiatrists opened offices next door to each other...

They were arch enemies. Edit: Spelling

Noah wasn't much for civilized society . . .

You could say he was an-arc-ist.

How did the pilot like his hotdog?

Plane.

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law and illegal is a sick bird.

Why did the tissue get up and dance?

It had a little boogy in it.

What's the difference between a firstborn prince and a baseball?

A baseball is thrown to the air.

I'm having trouble with the crossword this week...

There's one word I just can't figure out. What's the clue? Overworked postman. Hmm, and how many letters? Thousands!

How do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

What did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash?

***OINKMENT!*** > (This exchange that I found on /r/tumblr makes this joke even funnier to me: > http://i.imgur.com/EzT0Bkd.jpg)

What did the llama say when asked to a picnic?

Alpaca lunch!

Soap addiction

I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now!!

What do you call soup that you've found a hair in?

Rabbit Soup :D

Dirty joke

A white horse fell in the mud

Why did the chess master order a Russian bride?

He needed a Chech mate!

What do you call a barbarian you can't see?

an Invisigoth.

Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella?

Fo-Drizzle

Which celebrity is great at creating probate documents?

Will Smith

What happens if you pass gas in church?

You have to sit in your own pew.

I was watching a TV program on various Religious orders and how the use stringed instruments.

I was appalled by the amount of sects and violins!

Why does a Bicycle have a kickstand?

Because it's two tired.

What city loves to eat sandwiches?

Koldcutta

What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living?

A Poptometrist!

What does a girl wear at the beginning of a date that the man wears at the end of a date?

Her lipstick. Ooh la la!

What do you call a bald porcupine?

Pointless!

What happens when breed a shark and snowman?

You get a frostbite!

How do you confuse a fish?

You put it in a bowl and tell it go to a corner!

What do you call someone who majors in geology and astronomy

A rockstar

What form of radiation bakes you cookies?

A gramma ray

Why did the lettuce get arrested?

...for disturbing the peas!

Why do Hutus hate Dustin Hoffman?

He impersonated a Tootsie.

How Canada responded to defeating America in Hockey

So as I'm sure you know Canada went against America in hockey last night. But what people don't know is that after Canada beat America they said they were so "Sory"

What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?

[A Roverdose](http://i.imgur.com/BtyF5ys.jpg)

Why do Jamaican chickens make fun of all the other chickens?

Because they're jerks.

I recently got a job in security at a japanese art gallery

as an Arts Marshall.

What happened when porky pig fell asleep at his construction job?

The foreman fired him, saying, 'We can't have bored boars boring boards.'

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault. Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully. "One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away. "You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?" The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."

How does the farmer count up his cows?

...with a cowculator.

What does the horse call the pigs on his farm?

Neigh-boars.

What did aged mother cheddar say to her son the day of school photos?

Looking sharp.

What song can never be played on #throwback Thursday?

Friday by Rebecca Black

What do you call a Moroccan candy distributor?

Fez dispenser.

A Man Walks Into A Restaurant With A Newt On His Shoulder.

He says to the waiter, "I'll have a salad for myself and tiny here sitting on my shoulder. " the waiter says, sure, but why's he called Tiny? "Oh, that's cos he's my newt"

What kind of car did the German cowboy purchase?

Audi *tips hat*

What kind of bee will not take credit for his contributions?

A Humblebee.

Why did Shaggy 2 dope go to the Dentist?

He needed some insane crown flossing.

In 1944 Poland, there is this young Priest-in-training

In Poland, in 1944, a young priest-in-training is hunted down the street by a Hitler Youth. The priest trips and falls, and the Hitler Youth proceeds to kick him while he's down. The priest shouts: Stop it! When I am old, I am going to be The Pope! The Hitler Youth just snorts and says: Yeah right. And I'm gonna be your successor

I was at Redbox, but I didn't know what to watch.

I consulted my groceries, and my pizza said, "Keep Frozen."

Charles Dickens walks into a bar...

and orders a martini. The bartender asks "olive 'er twist?"

What game do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

Why did the rabbit go to rehab?

He was hopped up on easter eggs.

I wanted to put a pizza joke here

...but it was too saucy.

What do you call an educational video game about dolphins?

Entertainment with a porpoise!

Everyone across the United States stops what they're doing...

... and parks their car, but leaves it running for hopes of being on a new TV show. You can hear the humming of the cars all across any of the 50 states. Enter Ryan Seacrest "THIS is American Idle!" " Posted it in /r/Jokes, but no one appreciated it.

So These Two Whales Are Sitting In a Bar

...and the first whale says "AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBRAAAAAAUGHWOOOOOOOOOOO" (Basically make whale noises until the listener tells you to stop) And the second whale says "Gary, you're drunk."

I went to the store and asked for a one handed sailor...

he said sorry, "I'm a wholesaler."

The professor of medieval history

was walking downtown one day. At an intersection, he began to step off the curb when the light said "Walk", when the man beside him saw a car still coming, running the red light, and grabbed him. The professor watched the car race in front of him, looked at the man who'd grabbed him, turned pale and leaned against the post. "You OK?" the man said. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks! You know, watching that car go past and knowing I'd have been in front of it if you hadn't stopped me -- for a moment there, knowing the outcome of the battle of Manzikert faded into obscurity. But I'm OK now."

What do you call a alligator in a vest?

Investigator.

Did you know that Sherlock Holmes was not only a detective, but also a taxpayer?

He made inferences and deductions.

A man once thought he'd discovered a new primary color

but it proved to be merely a pigment of his imagination.

What did Ancient Romans yell on the golf course?

"IV!"

What did the tiger say after he ate the comedian?

I feel funny.

Why did the mobster buy a planner?

So he could organize his crime

What time do you go to the dentist?

2:30

Why did the grocery delivery guy get fired?

He drove people bananas!