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offensive-humor

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What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

What did one frog say to the other frog?

Time's fun when you're having flies.

Why was the actor detained by airport security?

He said he was in town to shoot a pilot.

I like my jokes they way I like my robots.

Killer.

What do you call a group of Geometry classes?

A geomeforest.

What was the allergic 2"X4"'s terrifying hallucination?

He sawdust.

I bought a duckdoo yesterday!

'What's a duckdoo?' "quack, quack"

What does a baker wear on his feet?

Loafers.

What does a storm cloud have on beneath its clothes?

Thunderwear!

Why is a hamburger better than a shooting star?

It's meteor.

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAINS

What do you call a midget psychic that broke out of prison?

A small medium at large!

Request: Jokes for the sick?

I have a good friend who was just hospitalized, hopefully nothing too serious. I'd love to send him a few short, clean jokes to cheer him up. Thanks!

Two peanuts were walking down the street....

And one of them was assaulted

Long Joke about Balloons

Once apon a time there were three hot air balloons. A mum, a dad and a baby. One day, when the baby had grown up, the parents decided that it was time for the child balloon to have it's own bed in its own room. So that night the kid was put to bed in the spare room. The child HATED it and decided to climb back into bed with its parents. He couldn't quite squeeze in so he let some air out of his mother. He tried again but still he couldn't get in so he let some air out of his dad. He tried once again but he just couldn't fit in! So he deflated himself alot. when he climbed back in he just about fitted in but when he rolled over his dad fell out. He stood up and said; "What do you think your doing in this bed? You've let me down, you've let your mother down but most of all; you've let yourself down!

Why did the chicken lay an egg?

(Quoted from daughter at age 3) To get food for her babies!

What is the Bacteria's favorite dish?

the Meecrob

What is a bacteria's OTHER favorite dish?

The PETRI dish!

What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear?

FLAC jackets

What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home?

She moved.

What's the best part of a baker's body?

Their buns.

What do you call beef that's been burned?

A mis-steak.

The victim's body was found in the kitchen

surrounded by eight empty boxes of cornflakes. Police suspect it was the work of a serial killer.

My friend ran over a rabbit last night...

... while driving in the country. He's a real animal lover, and he was devastated about it. He was crying and carrying on about all the little bunny babies that are going to starve now. Fortunately, I'm a compassionate guy. I grabbed his shoulder and told him to relax. I pulled a bottle out of my backpack and walked up the the rabbit, pouring some of the bottle's contents on him. I walked back to my friend, and motioned for him to wait a minute. Soon there was a flash of light, and the rabbit jumped up. It looked at us, hopped three times and turned to wave at us. Three more hops, and another turn-and-wave. Three more hopes, and turn-and wave. This continued until he was out of sight. My friend turns to me, dumbfounded. He looks at the bottle and says "What's in that?" I look him in the eye and say "It's hare restorer with a permanent wave."

A man walks into a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back...

The host asks the man why this is so. "Oh, I'm a tortoise and this is Michelle" says the man.

Someone talked to me today about having two X chromosomes.

Typical woman.

This is an X and Z conversation...

Y are you in the middle?

How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1

How many nihilists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

#

Little Timmy is playing baseball one day in his backyard....

.... He has the ball in one hand, and his bat in the other. He says "I'm the greatest baseball player who ever lived!" He throws the ball up, swings, and misses. Undaunted, he picks the ball up again, says even louder "I'm the greatest baseball player ever!" while throwing the ball up in the air. Swings, and misses. Still determined, he picks up the ball a third time. "I'm the greatest baseball player who ever lived!" Throws the ball up, swings again, and misses for a third time. "Wow! What a pitcher!"

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop!

How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear?

It was a brief chase...

White person joke.

In order to get this joke you'll need to understand some history (not much). So back in antiquity, I'm talking about like between the 14th century up until the 20th century whenever scholars would talk about the world they would frame it with the slogan, "The Occident vs The Orient". Now the Occident was all of Western Europe whereas the Orient was all the land stretching as far west as the Mediterranean to as Far East as the Atlantic (I.e.) most of the (known) world; just for a better understanding in contemporary terms when I say "Occident vs Orient" think of how today people talk about "the clash of civilizations". Anywho what I thought would be funny is instead of calling white folks crackers (which just entails someone who owned people and land) orientals and persons of colour should refer to whites as accidents and whenever we see a hetro white couple leaving a pub or a party together we can say things like "oh that's just an accident waiting to happen."

White person joke.

In order to get this joke you'll need to understand some history (not much). So back in antiquity, I'm talking about like between the 14th century up until the 20th century whenever scholars would talk about the world they would frame it with the slogan, "The Occident vs The Orient". Now the Occident was all of Western Europe whereas the Orient was all the land stretching as far west as the Mediterranean to as Far East as the Atlantic (I.e.) most of the (known) world; just for a better understanding in contemporary terms when I say "Occident vs Orient" think of how today people talk about "the clash of civilizations". Anywho what I thought would be funny is instead of calling white folks crackers (which just entails someone who owned people and land) orientals and persons of colour should refer to whites as accidents and whenever we see a hetro white couple leaving a pub or a party together we can say things like "oh that's just an accident waiting to happen."

People must be stone seeds...

...because wherever you bury people, these clean crystalline rocks pop up.

The balloon kid

There once was a balloon kid. He lived in a normal house, but his family was made of balloons, his friends were made of balloons - Even his school was made of balloons! Things were going well for the balloon kid until one day, when he took something bad to school. He had decided to smuggle in a thumb tack. "I'll be simple with you..." said the balloon principal. "...you've let yourself down, you've let your school down, you've even let your family down!"

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder...

The bartender says "what a strange pet, what's his name?" "Tiny" the man replies "What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?" "Because he's my newt"

Did you hear about the ointment...

Did you hear about the ointment that couldn't stop talking about politics? When confronted, he said he was just trying to be topical.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What do you call an elephant with a poor memory?

A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke-telling industry.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

....a fssshhh...

An elderly man married a younger woman...

And his son and him go for coffee and the son asks "Can she cook?" "No" "can she clean?" "No." "well, what can she do?" "She can drive at night"

Why didn't the baby oyster share her little pearl?

She was a little shellfish.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How do you make a squid laugh?

Ten tickles.

How did the cow pay for his groceries?

With moolah.

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park in it, man.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

My plumber finally quit on me...

He couldn't take any more of my crap. Sorry that this isn't a CLEAN joke. Heh

What do beef hearts smell like?

Honey.

What do Egyptians do when their mass transit breaks down?

Get Anubis.

Apple just released a brand new programming language, *Swift*.

Job recruiters everywhere immediately started posting ads for Swift programmers with 5 years of experience.

THE LAWYER & THE LITTLE BOY

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello." Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?" Boy: (whisper) "Yes." Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?" Boy: (whisper) "She's busy." Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?" Boy: (whisper) "Yes." Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?" Boy: (whisper) "He's busy." Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?" Boy: (whisper) "The fire department." Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?" Boy: (whisper) "They're busy." Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?" Boy: (whisper) "The police department." Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?" Boy: (whisper) "They're busy." Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?" Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

Engineering Position

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."

Did you hear about the Antennas that got married?

The wedding was lame, but the reception was great!

I love self deprecating humour.

Shame I'm no good at it.

what did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants walking over a hill?

hey look, there goes a heard of elephants walking over a hill. what did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants wearing sunglasses walking over a hill? nothing, he didn't recognize them.

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here." The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

What kind of bee produces milk?

A boo-bee. (.)(.)

What's that professor's favorite food?

*College* cheese!

So a woman who was trying to lose weight...

All of her friends had gone to a particular doctor and the pounds just flew off. So she made an appointment with him as well. The doctor tells her that he can help her, but his method is a little unorthodox. Instead of eating food normally, he tells her, she should put whatever she was going to eat into a blender and shove it up her butt. The woman is understandably skeptical, but the doctor assures her that this is how her friends lost weight and it would work for her. She agrees to give it a try and schedules a follow-up for a few weeks. At her follow-up, she seems very restless, shifting from side to side and unable to stand still. "Are you ok?" The doctor asks. "Yep!" She replies. "I'm just chewing gum."

Frog Noise

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. "Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

What do you call a fish that operates on brains?

A brain sturgeon.

The Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: **"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"**

The Blind Pilots

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room. His meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon, an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General." After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew .An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. **"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"**

Why was the Headless Horseman depressed?

He could never seem to get ahead in life.

What do you call a group of people standing in the arctic circle?

A Finnish line.

How many goals did Germany score?

gerMANY

16 sodium atoms walk into a bar

followed by Batman.

/r/cleanjokes hits 10K subscribers

**/r/cleanjokes metrics:** Total Subscribers: 10,000 Subreddit Rank: 2,246 Milestones & Subreddit Growth: http://redditmetrics.com/r/cleanjokes

What did the green light say to the red light?

I love you, but I'm sick of yellow light always breaking us up.

What's the difference between a fish and a guitar?

You can't tuna fish!

An old man was playing with his tiny granddaughter...

An old man was playing with his tiny granddaughter. The little girl said to him, "Grandpa, I want you to be a cat!" The old man, trying to be funny says to her, "Woof!" The little girl says, "No grandpa! Ok fine be a dog." And the grandpa, still trying to be funny, says, "Oink oink oink!" "No grandpa!" says the girl. "OK fine, be a pig." And the old man says "Rooaarr!" "Nooo grandpa!!!" cries the little girl. "Do it right this time. Ok be a lion." The old man can see that the little girl is starting to get upset, so he says again, "Roooaaarr!" "You're a good lion" says the little girl. "I think that when you come back in your next life you're going to be a lion." The old man is a little surprised by this. He says to the girl, "My next life? But I don't believe in reincarnation." The little girl says, "That's okay. I didn't believe in reincarnation either when I was your age."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist because he keeps having a dream that he's a teepee..

...followed by the next night he dreams that he's a wigwam, then a teepee again, then a wigwam and so forth..he asks the psychiatrist what's wrong with him and the psychiatrist tells him that's it's pretty obvious he's two tents.

Why did the Spy cross the road?

['Cause he never really was on your side.](https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/1/11/Spy_specialcompleted07.wav?t=20100625222507) *EDIT:* Thanks /u/ArchmageNydia for finding the audio link for me!

Did you know that protons have mass?

>Yes Well I didn't even know they were Catholic!

What's green and has wheels?

Grass! I was just kidding about the wheels. credit goes to to /u/sheymyster from [this fair thread.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2c53bp/what_is_your_favourite_joke_that_is_10_words_or/)

I was driving today...

And saw a sign that said, "Steamed Crabs". I began to wonder: "What made them so mad?"

sharpening knives in the kitchen

i was talking to my roommate when they were sharpening knives, and i noticed that they were sort of scraping it back and forward in a repetitive motion. i told them "that's not how you use a sharpening stone, you have to slide it across the whole blade in a sort of swinging motion." they considered this. "i don't know, i just like my way better." they said. "different strokes for different folks."

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed!

How did the geologist develop a career as an expert in sinkholes?

He fell into it.

How did the prostitute get promoted?

She slept her way to the top!

OC Joke Contest Results.

Hey guys. As some of you may recall, a while ago we had a OC joke contest. Well, finally I've got around to posting the results. Sorry about the delay, that's simply my bad. Anyway, without further ado, the winning post. [What has 4 legs a tail and barks? if they say a dog, I then say "oh, you've heard this one before" if they assume it isn't and admit they don't know my response is... "a dog"](http://www.reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/comments/2anror/oc_contest_to_celebrate_reaching_10000/cix3wtm). Thanks very much to all of you that entered. And here's to another 1,000 subscribers. -Buzz

what does clark kent have for breakfast?

alter-eggos

My daughter hit me with this one while preparing for dinner

Why did the table love playing volleyball? Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

Playing with the ball

A young man went to study abroad. One day, his family sent him a letter saying that his beloved cat died, as it was playing with the ball and went to the street and got hit by a car. The kid was devastated, he was crying everyday and his grades fell. He mailed them back saying that they shouldn't have sent this letter by sudden like this. He said:"you should've written me: (Your cat is playing with the ball) in the first letter, and (Your cat went to the street) in the second, and so on, so I would be ready to absorb the shock". One day, the young man received a letter saying: "Your mother is playing with the ball".

A surgeon with a high mortality rate...

loses three on the table in one week, all of them routine surgeries. Furious about the potential paperwork, malpractice insurance rate increases, etc. she calls death to give him an earful. To her surprise she's put on hold. After listening to some music death comes on and says "thank you for your patients."

What did the elephant say to the horn-less rhino?

"Rhino horn?"

Overheated some milk in a lab experiment today...

...and asked the teacher if it would affect the result. Her response? "To a degree."

An idea for a board game...

BONOPOLY - Similar to Monopoly, but where the streets have no name.

This mallard waddled into a bar...

Should've ducked.

Why did the Kurd bury his music collection?

His tribesman said "ISIL is approaching, and they're coming for Yazidis."

I heard it's a good night to see the Perseid meteor shower . . .

. . . but I haven't heard how it got dirty.

What's it called when a planet orbits its sun 8 times?

An orbyte

My brother is a 25 year old programmer who never gets to work on time or meets his deadlines, and he can't grow a beard yet.

He's a late developer.

This dermatologist waits a month to diagnose a skin disorder...

She's reluctant to make a rash decision.