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thePixel42

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depression-detection

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i'm not actively killing myself, but i'm also not stopping myselfi don't feel numb, sad or happy, really. i'm just here. i don't feel empty, i just feel hollow. i'm not taking care of myself. yeah, i shower when i can, and wash my hair twice a week (has about no oils), take my medication and brush my teeth at least once a week (yes i know how bad this is). i haven't cut myself in almost a year, and i haven't actively tried to kill myself for as long as well. i haven't binge-drunk since january, because of my stomach and my family not having anything worthwhile. i'm calm but my moods are all over the place. one second i want to hug, and the next, physical contact hurts, physically hurts. people touching me anywhere, without consent, is nauseating. i have ptsd. i'm on medication which could easily give me a stomach ulcer. i'm on medication to help combat that, and also on other medications which add to the first. honestly, everything is straining my other problems. i have eating disorders. i've had them since i was very young, around 7 or 8, because my dumbass wanted to be famous, and at the time we were watching the biggest loser, and i thought that was the way to go. i started just binging on everything i could get my hands onto. this meant that i never developed to know when to stop eating. i can't help myself. if there's food infront of me and i'm full, i will still continue to peck at it and try to eat it. luckily, my metabolism kicked in and my body adjusted to it, along with my regular exercise, so i never really gained weight, until i got to high school and my chronic pain got worse. even then, the highest my weight has ever been was 55kg. i developed bulimia and anorexia, my weight fluctuated, but not so drastically that people noticed. i didn't, and still, don't have friends anyways. after awhile i controlled it, made rules for myself and got it to a point where i wasn't starving myself for days at a time, and i stopped purging. i would once a year relapse on my bulimia, but have constant anorexic tendencies, never getting that bad, i would follow my rules to keep myself alright, there were times worse than others. i've had a relapse, and it's been worse than normal. i'm not following my rules, and at school, i avoid eating as much as i can, and the same at home. i've lost weight, and my clothes don't fit, they're too small. my tights are getting baggy on me, i need a belt to keep my skinny jeans up. another factor for this is that because of my physical symptoms, i can hide this all too well. i have chronic nausea, pain and fatigue. the pain feeds into nausea, nausea feeds into the fatigue (because i avoid eating because i feel so sick), and then fatigue feeds into pain. my joints swell and i can't walk, or really do anything. this also contributes to the weight loss, and i'm starving myself during this. i need to take my medications with food, and i can't if i can't eat. i have heart conditions, and i should be careful with the medications that i'm on because it can disrupt the rate, and i'm drinking caffeine, even though it could kill me, more likely than another person. i'm 18 soon, and everyone knows that my life is leading to nothing and i'm just going to be a drunk and a druggie. i know i shouldn't be drinking on my meds, sometimes it;s the only thing that can keep me alive. i just feel apathetic. i know the dangers of absolutely everything that i am doing. i'm just not doing anything about it. even if this doesn't kill me, everything is going to spiral even worse to where i can't control it. i guess that's what started most of this; control. without any type of control, i've lost. and i'll kill myself.

everything, i see, has lost its vibrance.a couple of months now, everything i used to love doing has lost its meaning. everything is greyed out, everything is boring in my eyes. i've lost the feeling of excitement, happiness and joy. they've been replaced by despair, agony and boredom. it feels like i'm watching a silent black and white film. i think the film i'm watching is about to end soon.

i’d rather pay for another phase of braces than wear my retainers they make me so tense i can’t sleep in them, i’ll wake up in the middle of the night and have to take them off to fall back asleep. i don’t know why i’m so sensitive about it, i can’t deal. why couldn’t i get my dad’s perfect teeth

empty! sad! i hate how i'm feeling.i don't know what to do. i feel terrible! i'm so blank and i have a heavy feeling in my chest. i feel sad. i keep spacing out i just want to lay in bed and sleep. i hate being awake, i hate not being able to feel happy. why am i sad, why do i hurt every fucken day? i feel so lonely. everyone thinks i amncrazy for being depressed. nobody ever understands me. i always feel like a burden to everyone just for being sad. they say to cheer up or to stay distracted, that it will pass. it's easier to have a reason for being sad but when you don't even know why you're hurting- it's so unbearable. i have no one in my life who understands. my mind is breaking. i'm breaking. i feel so crazy. i try to win but i'm always losing to my self. i hate my thoughts. i'm so afraid of how i'm feeling, how nasty it fees to be depressed. i can feel every single negative emotion creeping up all over my body. there's time when i just want to go to a psych home. i'm afraid of what i'm becoming. i hate who i am. i'm nothing.

well guys, i finally did it: i did your mom last night! i have now achieved peak comedy, no need to thank me

here's a bad joke/meme. fun fact: facts can't be fun. and that's a fact.

how does textpost weekend work like especially from when to when it is because i'm stupid and don't know that

anyone i can brag to? i just want somebody to brag to about how great my life is going raight now:)

not sure what to do anymore, no motivationfor the past couple of months, my motivation has slimmed to 0. when i was back in another city for university, this term, i had done nothing but skip all my classes and smoke all day. all my life everyone around me would tell me nothing but how i'm so smart and how i'm going to go places.. and as a result of my lack of motivation i failed my school term; something really uncharacteristic for me. i feel as though my lack of motivation stems from the fact that i see no purpose of being alive. nothing i'm doing is significant and in however many years i'll just wither away. i'm currently on a co-op job which again i have no interest or motivation in even though it is my field of study. combined with the dissapointment i feel in myself for failing and that my mom feels in me for failing i just have been feeling like complete shit lately. i don't know what i want to do from today onwards nothing interests me nothing brings joy to me and i've just been so grim and upset lately. my co-op jobs have built a strong hate for working 9-5 and i know i would rather be dead than do that all my life however i lack the motivation to actually do something worthwhile with myself so that i don't have to work 9-5. i would never kill myself simply because i don't want the people around me having their lives ruined because of me so i continue doing everything in life with as minimal effort as possible. life is shit.

didn’t everyone get banned cause of personality test why y’all are posting em again what’s wrong with yall

i was about to do it...i just got back home. sitting on the couch thinking. i woke up this morning and decided to skip on heading to my classes. i lied in bed for a while and then sat around the house not doing anything. i eventually wrote out my suicide note and got in the car to head to the building where i used to hang out on the rooftop with some friends. i left my note in the car and took the elevator to the top. i got in the stairwell with the rooftop access and, for the first time ever, the door leading to the roof was locked. not knowing what to do, i turned back around and headed back home. i sat in my car for a while thinking of other ways i could do it. but now i'm just back home, lying on the couch, doing nothing.

just why...why does my you wear the necklace that was given to you by your ex boyfriend when i gave you a new one? you claimed it wasn't your style. i gave you at least four. all different styles. you showed me something to get you on amazon. i bought it! you say it's not how you thought it was. i bought you another one. you say you don't like the material and that it's too cheap. it's a $300 aquamarine necklace(your birthstone) while the necklace you love is plastic and has a plastic ruby. you text to your ex boyfriend when you know it makes me upset!! i'm not saying don't talk to him, i'm just saying that you don't need to text him. you see him monday through friday on the bus and you talk to him after the last class of the day before i drop you off to your bus stop!! why don't i say things like "don't talk to him?" i don't say it because i don't want our relationship to end up like it did before. you broke up with me to go out with him and you say it didn't work out with him. we're back together. you don't let me touch your phone and you can search mine all you want. i don't even care if you do! i'm not hiding anything! why can't i to your phone if you can to mine! why are you so obsessed with you stupid ex boyfriend?! am i not enough for you?! why don't i break up with you?! i can't. i've been with you for at least 7 years and you're everything to me!!! plus, you're the only person who accepted me for me!!! nobody else has no matter how much i tried. i have many problems psychologically and physically. you helped me and been with me during when all those things were diagnosed and i wanted to kill myself! and now you're not. i hate my life. my family. my "friends". you... but i love you too... i hate you so much... but i love you... i wish i never met you... i want to kill myself... but i don't... i don't know what to do...

pronouns and sexuality. i was born a cis female, but recently i've started to address myself as they/them. i've been trying to tell people i know about my new pronouns, such as my friends and relatives. some of them respect my pronouns, while others, such as my asian parents, have fucking yelled at me. for being a they/them. my mother also said something along the lines of- "god created you as a female, if you neglect that you're betraying god, that's a sin so you will go to hell." so my parents are still referring to me as she/her. i don't want to betray god, because i'm christian, but i just want people to respect me and refer to me as what i want to be referred as to. i've also recently came out of the closet as a bisexual with a huge female lean. i didn't want to tell my parents, because i knew they were homophobic christians. they found out anyway, though, because i said "i love you" to my girlfriend over the phone. i'm now not allowed to make calls or texts. i really don't know what to do, i just want my parents to accept me.

i’m going to snap every. single. fucking. day everyone just fucking makes fun of me for being loud (even though i have autism) and calls me the fat weirdo even though i just mind my own business. they throw shit at me, call me names, etc., and i’m going to snap. they act like they’re hot shit but as soon as my 390, 6’5 frame gets near them they start going into defense mode, trying to solve things ‘diplomatically’. there are only a few people who take my side anymore, and i’m going to fucking break someone. my friends are all kind to me, and my best friend wants to do something, but i keep telling her not to because i don’t want her to get in trouble, so idk what to do, but i swear i am going to punch someone and get an oss and i don’t even give a shit.

what is life...i dunno if i'm depressed per-say, but i feel so aimless. i have social anxiety and hardcore adhd which makes even the simplest of jobs quite hard for me. due to this i will never go to school and spend tons of money to quite possibly fail in my chosen field (probably wouldn't even get through the courses). right now i have a soul sucking job that i absolutely hate and i basically just keep bouncing around hoping to land something i kind of like and can actually do properly. so far i'm feeling more hopeless as the days go on. i'm starting to understand why people start thinking about suicide. i feel like i'm on the very tip where depression is right around the corner.

i’m getting bullied i’m getting bullied two people that i thought were friends started calling me gay cause i play with someone that’s bi. i’ve reported him to the principal of my school and they are still making fun of me. i don’t know what to do. i was also playing with someone this morning that was like 17 and had autism they are calling me pedophile now. help i don’t know what to do

i’m so confused can someone please explain what it would mean for my girlfriend to post “how do i lose feels 2 him, i know he won’t like me back”

if she say she have "boy best friends" she belong to the streets 😂🤣 steer clear boys! she gon cheat 😂😂

any advice for someone whose depression is creeping back that doesn't have time for therapy?i have major depressive order, and over the past two years or so i've been regularly going to therapy (once a week) and taking meds. i stopped going to therapy around march because my long-term therapist didn't really suit my needs (i used to see a different therapist at my university, but she didn't take my insurance so i couldn't see her as a long-term patient), and slowly stopped taking my anti-depressants around april to prepare for living in a country that does not tolerate mental illness. anyway, i moved to korea, which is pretty notorious for not accepting mental health problems, and i'm not really doing so hot. before medication and when i was really depressed, i felt like what can only be described like a fog was literally in my brain. when i was really depressed, it was heavy, but i slowly feel like this fog is creeping back in. i keep forcing myself to go out at least once a week, but i find myself hiding in my apartment more and more when i'm not at work. i might be able to start going to therapy in a month or so when i have more time and money, but until then, does anyone have any advice for coping? my job is very mentally demanding because i teach english to really young children, and i feel like all the energy i used to spend toward maintaining my mental health is spent toward presenting a calm, happy, appreciative demeanor toward my students. i guess i should've listened to former reddit posts about people with mental illness teaching abroad, but yeah. any type of advice is appreciated.

was anyone else very exhausted today? it’s weird, everyone i know was really tired today, a few of my teachers, my mom and even my online friends which live all around, the world just decided to shut off humans, i was wondering if it happened to anyone else

good mood (from meds) and no motivationi take 10 mg lexapro daily and this year went from 100 to 150 to 300mg of wellbutrin daily. i go to therapy weekly. been depressed since adolescence. therapy off and on since i was 17, medicated since i was 17.5. college student. junior year. turn 21 in less than a month. male. abruptly got in the habit of smoking weed daily during winter 2011/2012, but very low amounts. now, i am done with it and have only smoked once in the past 3 weeks. i am probably going to fail my classes. going to them is often fine, but i can't get myself to do the work outside of class. and sometimes i feel too ashamed to go when i haven't done the work. my brain is horrible at creating internal structure (planning my own days, multi-step activities, etc.) i have trouble focusing sometimes (from my depression, and it can be really tough) but honestly i've reached a point where i just don't care. i think i have pretty normal moods. i'm not sad. i still go to social events and have a good time. maybe i'm out of the depressive episode i was in a few weeks earlier, but i've kept up the habits of all my nonactivity. a few weeks ago i was more depressed and focusing was really tough. maybe since i've fallen behind i no longer care. a couple years ago, i would procrastinate things until the last minute because my mind made it tough to do it any other way, and then i would get that nervous last-minute rush and do whatever assignment/task the night before it was due. now i don't get that rush at all. maybe i'm flat out lazy. i'm not scared of considering that as a possibility. maybe i like feeling comfortable spending time in my room and i try to find ways to let that continue. i have been spending a ton of time on the internet lately. i don't really do much with a lot of my days. maybe my inability to plan things makes this worse. and even if i wrote out a schedule, which in the past has helped me a lot, i know i just wouldn't care at all to do anything on it. i was planning on taking a break from school after this term and getting a full time job in my previous college's town, but i really want to drop out now. a full time job will help me a ton with consistency and working for long stretches at a time. the only thing that sucks is i'm in a film group (filmmaking is my major) and bailing on them partway through the semester would be pretty shitty for them. what do you think about all of this, complete strangers from the internets?

bad nighti need help again. but it’s not worth it, if this keeps happening and nobody helps me. i can’t anymore. this might be goodbye. haven’t decided yet.

at a tipping point.i'm going to just start with, i'm a terrible person. i'm very very selfish. i've dealt with depression as a teenager buy being an asshole and smoking weed. i've done that for 10 years. i've tried to suicide and failed both times, although the second i don't believe would have ever worked anyway. i have almost no personal hygiene. my teeth have begun to rot out of my head and i've developed large cysts from what i'm assuming is oil buildup from not showering for 7 days at a time. at every chance i've destroyed any chance at a normal life. i've gotten tickets and left them to accumulate. same with other bills and as a result my credit is destroyed. people have tried to help me in so many ways and i've just found a way to fuck it up. two years ago i did something again that was selfish and fucked up. i posted on craigslist lf friends that i was going to kill myself. what i was looking for is someone to smoke with, watch a movie and just generally have "one last good day". as i assumed most of the replies were either talking shit or saying it gets better. one person stood out they. they agreed on the plan. we decided to start at sushi because sushi and saki are amazing. so i'm looking like a schlub and this angel walks through the door. she's my craigslist friend. so now this is where my selfish, shithead side comes out. she's gorgeous and she's making me fall on love when i know i'm going to end killing myself. we've been together for 2 years. in these two years she's done everything in her power tomake me happy ". here's the thing, i don't know what happy is anymore. i've been happy about being high, happy about new stuff, happy about an orgasm. however, i can't remember the last time i was naturally and sustainably happy. here's where one of our major issues lie, i'm an asshole who doesn't like to talk about feeling and id say 30-40% of the time i am very short with answers. my girlfriend reached a point today where she's had it. understandably. here's where i need advice. over the past month i've given reigns of my life to her. she tells me my chores and goals for the day. i've set up dr appointments, i've started taking herbal supplements until we can get me in front of a dr, and i've made it a point to get out and volunteer. with her reaching her wits end just as i feel i'm making a positive change, i don't know what else to do. i know i have anger problems. i know she deserves better but as soon as i try to be more accepting my mind sort of tries to, i guess, preserve my depression. any change has made me more angry but this last month i've felt, besides the short answers, i've been the best i've been since we've been together. i have talked to her and told her i understand if she has animosity towards me after so long in dealing with me but she says she doesn't. right now we just got done talking and i think were just going to limp to the 29th(when i see a dr) and see if any kind of medication would help this. i haven't been to a dr since my last attempt when i was 18. i'm sorry for the text vomit. i know it probably contains a lot of misspelling and jumps around a lot, but if someone could give me any kind of advice on my shit show i would be eternally grateful.

how should i make friends tomorrow? i am going to a new school tomorrow and i'm really lonely, so i think this is a good time to make friends. i am a really good rubik's cube solver. top 10% i'm the world. i have made some friends this way but i worry that this is the only reason people are friends with me and when the wow factor wares off it isn't cool. should i try to make friends not using my rubik's cube?

completely alone this weekend for the first time in forever and i keep thinking about it.i'm not going to do it. i still have pets to take care of. but it's in the back of my head. this weekend my parents have gone out of town for whatever reason, and my boyfriend is on a trip with his family. i'm completely alone. the only exception being my dogs. it's tempting to daydream about it.

i just feel so sad right now :( please helpokay. i'm 19, going to college in canada, my life is pretty okay- except i get these major episodes of depression :( like right now the thing about my episodes are, they always have triggers- like someone yelling at me i've been on 40mg of citalopram for the last year. it seems to help, but in times like right now, i dont want to go through this by myself. i want at least someone to know what i'm going through. i've been travelling by myself in brazil for the past month. i have a return flight to canada on the day after tomorrow. but all this time i've been meaning to change my flight and stay until the end of july, but i dont think i handle two more months of brazil by myself. i just want to go home. but if i go home, i'll be a failure. i can't even go on a holiday without my dark passenger torturing me.

it’s 2:48am and i’m past tired. send help i wish to sleep now. give me drugs.

am i stupid to think i can date anyone while dealing with depression?i've got my first first date in a while tomorrow and i just can't help but feel really anxious and inadequate. i know i shouldn't have to feel this way, but i can't help it at all. i'm just really under-accomplished for someone my age and i'm really ashamed of that. of course if my shame comes across in any way i'll have no chance of making a good connection. i have no car, no college degree, and i'm living with my parents. i'm 25. should i even attempt to date anyone in this state?

when does it stop being teenage angst and start being a conditioni've had suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, and general resentment of life for a while now but i usually just blame it on being in my late teens. but i've been talking to some friends recently and they do not relate to what i've got going on for the most part. so how do tell the difference between needing to find a proscription and needing to get through the next year or so?

i wanna blow my brains out. life is unbearable, nobody understands me, nobody cares about me, everyone acts like i’m normal, i’m fucked up and a mess.. don’t understand how i’m still living in this fucked up world.

i can just picture my mom walking in on me laying on the bathroom floorshe would realize that taking my phone and screaming at me isn’t the right way to respond to someone who wants to end their life. my dad would be kinder to others. the problem would be gone. everyone is happy. everything goes back to normal, but better

i just want to be normal.truth is, wishing is easy, and actually doing something about it is too hard. i need an easy way out. i do nothing for myself because everything is too hard. or more likely, i'm just too soft for everything. they're right; i'll never get my act together. i'm as good as dead. i'm sorry.

so i'm old today and all i have to say is... next time think about contraception dad.

posting here daily until i get a gf: day 81 i started high school last wednesday but for the three days i have been there, we have just played name games and eaten hamburgers and hot dogs. chill place.

i never understood suicide before. now i totally get it.i’ve been depressed since i think i was about 14. i’m 27 now. i’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and by most measures i’m in the best place in my life now. but my depression keeps getting worse, and i’m unmedicated again. the few people in my life who i talk to about my depression have all heard me say the same thing: “don’t worry, i’m not suicidal, i never have been, i could never do that.” but it’s like, you never thought you’d ever jump from the high dive into the pool, because you don’t need that, why would you even think of it. you can’t get inside the minds of the kids who do and the desire seems so out of reach it’s not even worth thinking about. then one day you’re at the top of the ladder, and you know for sure you don’t want to dive, but you’ve looked over the edge, and you’ve felt the rush of the altitude, and you climb back down the ladder and walk away but you think, “i get it. i don’t know if i can see myself doing it, but i get it.”

so alone.it's been a good amount of time since i have posted on here, i think. i only post when i am really having a break down, 'cause i usually hold it in for so long. i have absolutely no one to talk to about any of my problems as of the moment and feel, well alone. my room mates were all here, and i know they could hear me sobbing so much, but didn't bother to ask what's wrong, even though i always do...i am always there, but when it's my turn, i am just cast aside as the room mate with problems. truth is, i just want to be talked to, that's it. i won't even share my problems. i just want to talk. to be brought back to reality, and away from the darkness that is strangling me right now as i type. it's so hard to breathe from all the crying and i just want to be set free from my hell...but i know that's irrational. i just want to know someone, somewhere would care about me, however selfish that sounds...

why can’t i be big tiddy goth gf i can’t pull off any of all three parts. i’ve always been small tiddy soft and mostly sarcastic gf. i would be so much swaggier being big tiddy goth gf

i have a joke about paper however it’s pretty tearable

i think i'm go to kill myself before i go to collegei don't think i'll ever do more ~~there~~ than cost my parents money. i can barely remember what it feels like to not be depressed. all i want to do is lay in bed forever.

can you follow my friends twitch? he's been trying really hard to get some followers on twitch but still only has four, his streams are just me and his phone watching them. i'd really appreciate it if you helped him out!://m.twitch.tv/pigeonimpact/profile

i'm quite unhappy and feel like i've no way out, but don't want to end iti've been thinking to myself lately that i'm going to be stuck in the situation i'm in for a long time. i'm struggling to find a job with my degree, am in a job that isn't great, and live at my home with a dad who's pushing me to succeed constantly (and even gets annoyed if i don't hear back about job applications). on top of that, i barely get to see old friends and the friends i do see are from work and they like to party a lot whereas i don't, so i feel a bit out of place. i've started to wonder if this situation is one i'm going to be in forever, or even a long time, and the thought of it is really depressing me. i hate the situation i'm in and feel miserable going through the same cycle over and over again. a lot of times i feel hopeless and that the best way to get out of this situation is to end it. i'm not suicidal, nor do i want to die, but i'm simply unhappy with how my life has turned out and i feel like this is the only real option to get out of it. the only thing really keeping me from doing that is knowing how devastated my dad, brother and girlfriend would be, and i don't want them to be hurt.

vibing and thinking i wanna make something big happen. i dont know what, but i just wanna make somethin that blows up, yknow?

just bored and stuff idk at this point anyone wanna chat or play the number game? plzzzzz im dying out here u can dm me

i found a journal from when i was 13. here's what i wrote one night. 14 years later, i feel the same way.dark thoughts of the hour, taking me down. sucking me up, pushing me away. emotions being slammed up against the wall chocking themselves, screaming at me. what do you want from me? i fucking hate this imprisonment! it's suffocating me. holding back my tears, not strong enough...out they come. i'm a loser, a freak, a outcast, an idiot. crying, hating, hiding.

you should be allowed to legally leave high school halfway through with a general diploma. this is written mainly from a north american perspective. so you would be around 16 or 17 years old at this point. my area used to do this. and thinking it over it sounds like a good idea to me. for some kids the last 2 years of high school just isn't worth it. some kids are just too smart for high school by the time they are 16. they keep acing tests and have great ideas, and the high school climate just isn't allowing them to pursue their full potential. i think it would be very beneficial for students who are sure of their commitment and interests to be allowed to pursue them, instead of waiting in an uncompetitive environment for 2 whole years before moving on. theres also the kids who just don't align with the current method of schooling. its not for everyone, and the way we structure society should understand that, and allow for people to choose their own paths. i know many, many kids in my area who began to work full time as an apprentice in a trade. they were much better off in a hands on environment like that, and they were making good coin too. most of them either dropped out, or just put in minimum effort into school. its not going to matter to them. they are building valuable seniority and life experience. allowing this would also increase the availability of resources to kids who want the entire 4 years of high school. many school systems are underfunded and overpopulated, and i don't think forcing the population to remain the same, even when some kids are clearly ready to move on, is necessary. obviously there are the kids who don't value education, and have poor work ethics. but hey, maybe that real life shock is a better wake up call to them instead of the millions of "stay in school" posters put up every year.

i don't want to be crazy anymorei love you. i've been in love before, but never like this. it's never been this intense, never lasted this long. i haven't for one second in the last year and a half doubted my love for you. you are leaving soon. moving 2000+ miles away. the chances of us ever seeing each other again after that... nonexistent. but i'm crazy for you. literally. i've thought about getting your name tattooed on me! or having a baby to make you stay! i get so crazy when i think about you. i worry any time you don't speak to me that you are with someone else, that you're being intimate with someone else.... i ask myself every day why i had to fall in love with you of all people. you are independent, you're moving and can't be in a serious relationship, the most unavailable person i could possibly fall in love with. but here i am. i don't know what to do because i just want to die so i can stop thinking about you.

the struggle is so hardhey reddit. as you could have guessed i'm depressed and feeling suicidal. i believe i have ocd. the symptoms keep getting worse and worse, especially over the last few years. i am at a point now where even the slightest interruption in my routine sets me off in a spiral of panic attacks and depression. knowing these things i have been trying to seek help. i can't afford it myself so i went through the county for aid. it took me three months just to get that done, obsessing over the paperwork to make sure every minute detail was correct. i finally get accepted and i panic to try and make an appointment. that took another few months to become brave enough. finally two months ago i recieved a call for an over the phone evaluation. that person submits it to the county psychiatrist office where i wait another month for yet another evaluation where they only confirm what i did on the phone. the social worker who did it says it will take another month or two to see an actual doctor... but by then my county medical will be up and i won't be able to afford to go, the thought of more paperwork and waiting has me in a panic. i can't enjoy anything anymore, the depression and suicidal thoughts are worsened by my obsessive brain, i have anxiety attacks nearly everyday now and i feel like my mind isn't even my own anymore with all the thoughts that i can't push away. i don't know what to do... i don't think i can wait for help anymore. i need it now and i can't last much longer. the only thing keeping me from killing myself right this moment is that i keep making plans in advance so i can tell myself that 'oh, you can't kill yourself. you need to do that thing!'. the last plan i have set out is a convention in august... after that i don't know if i have the strength to resist any longer.

here are the reasons i have ptsd. he got mad at me for "leaving" a single piece of trash on the counter that was put there while i was taking out the trash. another time he got mad at me after for crying when i took a chunk of flesh out of my foot. he also got mad at me because my mom reported him to police because he threatened to fucking hang me. and now i have ptsd.

i hate being a teenager why do i have to be happy 1 minute and crying the next? fuck this

a teenagers podcast? i have an idea for a podcast that i would like to create. the premise behind the podcast is that i take a group of about 2 to 3 teenagers and we create a couple episodes with a group on various topics. we would have an introductory episode where we all learn more about each other. then perhaps an episode regarding aliens, or religion, or politics, conspiracy theories or any topic the group would like to discuss. depending how eager the group is, we may have 1 or 2 episodes together or 10. the only requirement is that we are all similar in age, and that we are open to listen and have thoughtful conversations. hopefully we could all get to know each other and have some fun, meaningful, interactions. if you are interested please fill out this google form. if you have any questions please ask below. [https://forms.gle/clz27ma6qejkmwbp8](https://forms.gle/clz27ma6qejkmwbp8)

wow did my life turn for the worse.basically i had everything and lost it all. i made 120k a year after taxes, i lived in a condo on the ocean. i had the most beautiful girl in the world to share it with. for the last 5 years this was my life. now it is all gone. i have zero dollars. i am moving out of my condo in a few weeks. i have no job. i don't want to live anywhere else. i am pushing 30 and my options are move back in with my mom (not a good relationship), or sleep in my car. i am just baffled at how i got here. i had it all, i really did. and in just a few months i lost it all. i obviously didn't plan well, i lived ridiculously frugal (2,500/month total expenses), but invested most of my income. it didn't work out. i lost it all. thought something would turn around, lost my job, and just lived on savings until it ran out. it ran out. it didn't really hit me hard until it was actually completely gone, which was today. i knew it was coming obviously, but at this moment, words cannot express the pain, regret, sorrow. there is no where in the world i would rather be than my condo. all my friends are here in this city. i have to move 2,000 miles away. i don't want to exist anymore. i loved my life, it was perfect.

might have gotten proper help but it's too late nowi don't have much time to write this so i'll make it short. i have officially pushed everyone in my life away, and have distanced myself from the very people who could help me the most. my therapy appointment is wednesday. i have a psychiatry appointment for thursday where i might get antidepressants. it's too late though. i can't take it anymore. i won't make it to tomorrow. i don't know how i'll go out, i just know that i will, unless someone somehow manages to save me, who knows.... so, with that, goodbye.

need help... cna someone please tel me, what relative/adverbial clauses and participle constructions are? i need it for my english class and i do know how to write certain things but i don't know how they're called so please write them with examples.

anyone else feel unfit to work and would rather just die?i wasn't particularly unhappy before, but ever since i started working, whatever company or position i took on there, i hated them all so much that i'd rather just not exist. i feel trapped by living and having this primal instinct to survive. everyone says life is this inherently great thing, but they're honestly just regurgitating what society and everyone else says. when you really think about it, what's the point of living in misery for the next 40 or so years? live why? to maximize profits for whatever company you work for. then enjoy two days of not work (yeah right) with the stress of work looming over your head the whole time. they've really trapped us. life has just become a constant never-ending checklist of things to do, with work at the forefront. i'm extremely disappointed that i ever had to exist in the first place.

i dont know what to dogod just take me home please i know you are watching why do you make me suffer like this? why? i just want to be pure. god please help me just take me home im tired of being in this body. god just take me home

what do you want to do in life?i have pondered over this question for multiple years, i feel like in our society we are rushed to the money debt materialism hell too fast, it saddens me when i hear children talking about money constantly. do people of /r/depression actually find their jobs, or however else you support your living enjoyable? also i am not really aiming for any kind of success in life money or popularity wise, but yet i feel getting sucked in by the system and limited by it.

if anyone recognizes me then good job. idk might eat some shredded cheese later

i need to talk and get this out.i just need to open up. depression is creeping up on me.

i need helpi just cut myself for the first time in many many years. i also choked myself, which was my go to when i self harmed about 5 years ago. i am so on edge. i need help. i want to do it. my boyfriend hates me and everything about me. i want to end this. i haven't been scared of doing something to myself for about 2 years now. tonight its like it all snapped. i want to do this, i feel ready. i dont care. i have this extremely pure feeling of i dont care. i want to die.

fuck school. they're like, "we understand that these are troubling times," and then be the trouble in these times.

i think way too much about suicide. it's starting to freak me out a little. & rant.i'm too cowardly to ever attempt it, but the idea is frighteningly enticing. and typing this out, i realize how much of a fucking basket case i sound like. who in their right mind says that? despite others temporarily cheering me up, showing me a good time, i always come back to the realization of how much of a freak i am. i can't stop reading between the lines, even if there are none to read between, thinking things are intended at me, repeating the idea over and over in my head until it's all i can think of. and i try to keep this to myself, but there are times i end up letting out an extra sentence, extra message, asking if they had meant something, or if i had done anything to offend them, which always results in me thinking i've then seemed annoyingly clingy/needy/assholeish, queuing up worse feelings, until i'm in a rut so deep it takes hours upon hours to get out. i get hung up on the smallest things for days and days and can't put them out of my mind. like how a couple of days ago i decided to look around on webmd for why i had been feeling certain things, and now i'm sure i have a perpetual fear that i may or may not have multiple sclerosis, even though the nurse told me it was extremely unlikely, and that i'm just worrying myself, i'm just going to continue worrying myself. i don't eat well. or sleep well. i tell people i do, i don't. i went down to the nurse's office to get the previously mentioned problem checked out, we had to take a height and weight measurement. i'm lucky if one of my friends after class makes me go eat with them, otherwise it's either nothing, or maybe one cup of easy mac and some goldfish. and last night, i had finally gone to bed at a normal hour, after not having any sleep for a long while. woke up 2 and a half hours later, couldn't fall asleep again, and am still up now at 6:00 a.m. i also notice suicidal talk appearing in my everyday language, when becoming mildly upset i'll talk about throwing myself out a window, or just shooting myself in the head, way more than i used to in just normal, every day language. i'm painfully aware every time i do it too, just barely recognizing i did every time. and something i really haven't told anyone, is that i am semi-frequently pinching myself hard whenever feeling down. sounds ridiculous saying it like that, but is a very easy way for me to divert attention in my brain away from whatever today's problem is, just a quick escape. i've never drawn blood, but just to that point. and this is what freaks me out the most, i hate myself immediately afterwards, well aware of what i've done. and this place, reddit, is the only place i ever truly let these things out. one person knows about my accounts and reads them on occasion, but other than him i have no outlet for this in the outside world. i don't bring it up with friends or loved ones because i don't want to seem pathetic/be pitied. i don't have a counselor because they are freaky expensive, and they haven't worked for me in the past, as indicated by this post. so i put on a fake smile most of the day and try to forget, even though everything comes rushing back as soon as i'm alone again. i've become very, very good at hiding my feelings when i want. and i say when i want, because sometimes i let my feelings out, and then feel like a selfish asshole for doing it in the first place, feeling like i'm preying on their pity to make me feel better, which in turn ends up making me feel sick. i hate the way i am, and i'm still so confused on who i actually am. i feel good after someone helps me up, i enjoy having others around me when feeling down, it helps me. but i have this sense that i'm letting everyone down in a way when this happens, that i don't deserve it, that they all secretly hate me for it, some more than others. or at the very least, it annoys the absolute hell out of them. it feels almost like an addiction in a way, and i have to distance myself from them to help myself. which i don't want, and they say they don't want, but i can't bring myself to trust that, knowing that if i hadn't been born the general populous' lives would've been much better off. i guess thanks, if you made it through that mess and kept reading. though i have a sneaking suspicion no one will, and that's fine with me, at least it's here.

is there a community for 30+ depressed?i'm at the 30 mark myself. suffering from atypical depression and dysthymia for 12 years now.

why is is so hard to do... things? just anything. i had to prepare myself for 6 hours today so i could start hw and i still haven’t i wanna lay down in the dark and listen to music and not move but nope. school fucks everything over

so tiredso i want to keep this as brief as possible (i posted this at sw as well). i have been depressed for the past 5 years and one of the worst things i am tired of dealing with are the constant nightmares, and by nightmares, these aren't your average just spooky nightmares, these are most of the time so violently graphic and often include myself dying in them. i have only attempted suicide once, and i was legitimately going to go through with it but i fell for a clever thing one of my best friends did, which was inviting me to her dorm to talk and when i arrived the university police were waiting there with her. i don't think that i will fall for that next time i get to that point, but i don't know i constantly think irrationally because i can stay awake for a week at a time before i have to sleep for at least a short period, it is so painful. i also think about suicide at least 5-10 times a day on a good day but have rarely acted on them. any advice would really help me right now as i feel like i am heading down that path again as i started self harming myself for the first time in years today.

i just can't take this misery anymorei feel so in deep shit and pain, i feel like worst than this is impossible. i feel like doing something that isn't right. well my problems started when i accepted to start a life in a different country, with my uncle, well my uncle kicked me out of his apartment, so i found a place in the worst dorm you could imagine, i have a chamber that is smaller than the average bathroom, with the pieces of the roof falling on my head, with public toilets that the animals i live with, don't even flush after they shit, and a lot of things that bother me but would be a waste to write them. my health is fucked, i did 2 surgeries and i still have the health problem, i have terrible back pain that makes my life miserable, i have hives, and still battle acne, my throat aches like hell from snoring and i am still battling depression. my family treats my like shit, and my uncle abuses me verbally and emotionally, because of his frustrations, plus my parents are divorced. all that i have are my friends that are all far away from me, they live in other eu states. i have to pass an exam in a language that i don't really understand. and regarding my dating life it is a fucking mess, even though i am not needy or i don't show my problems. i see all those girls somethimes looking at me in the eyes and i feel that i will never be with them, it is horrible. i know everything could be worse and i should be positive but fuck this shit i am contemplating suicide

i don't care.i don't know how many times i've posted in the fucking subbreddit. i don't care anymore, my grades are incredibly shitty even this year when i ended up taking easy fucking classes because i just don't care. i don't care about myself, how what i'm doing right now will affect my future. i don't want my best friend to be disappointed in me, i'm a fucking screw up and he's not, he's going places and we used to be fucking neck and neck with our potentials but it's different now i feel like i'm just a burden. i bitch to him because he listens and it's not f air to him. i'm also going to disappoint my mom if i don't fix my fucking grades. she's so scared that i'm not going to be successful and it's hurting her. also my teachers, all the teachers who gave a damn about me, who i loved, i'm letting them down. i'm going to be a fuck up forever. fucking hell.

march 30th, 2019i chose the date that i'm planning on killing myself on. it will be 1,000 days since i had known happiness. i want to do it now, but something is holding me back. i thought i'd be over her after a month, but that came and i was as miserable as the day she changed her mind. 100 days came and i was still miserable. five months passed, and i lost all my sanity. she claimed to be my friend but she showed me nothing of the sort. i put my trust in her and she told me that things were fine but she did nothing but lie and drag me along. leaving me lost with nothing but my imagination. and i lost my sanity. i became obsessed because i couldn't understand how someone could lie to my face and put me through that torture. even now i'm 8 months away from when i first lost all joy and nothing is getting better. i will not live a life filled with nothing but this pain and darkness. i want to die now, i want michelle to shoot me in the head and take the only thing that i have left, my life, away from me as she took everything else. but i won't, not yet because even though 8 months have passed and i haven't gotten even a little bit better maybe 16 months will change things. but when march 30th 2019 comes i will kill myself and i will make sure that michelle knows that she did this to me. i don't know if this is allowed here but i have no one else to tell. i want to tell michelle, but i promised myself and her that i was done talking to her. and i don't want to drag my family or friends in to my own problems.

how do i go on knowing i one last chance for a relationship has been tarnished?after dating a wonderful guy for a few months, we exchanged passwords as a trust exercise. i then found out that, though some poorly hidden conversations, he has been cheating on me with a grand total of 19 people. other than this massive fuckup i naively forgave him, and we went on with the relationship, as i had given up on any other relationship working. last night, several months after the incident, a friend of his tipped me off to the fact that he’s been cheating again, even after numerous heartfelt talks of sincerely and the thought of being soulmates, as everything else in the relationship went spectacularly. if i’m not good enough for my last hope of a relationship, the only one i’ve ever truly been in love with, what the fuck is the point of trying to continue in vain? i have a .357 with my name on it and i really need someone to convince me to not do this selfish shit. i am an adult, i realize this is a petty thing to be upset over- but i’m at my breaking point.

someone please post something about me. i'm lonely and have no self-confidence, post about how awesome u/astro_ps is and i'll give you a free baby brother but you'll have to send your mom over to me. thanks.

this is where i'd put a title if i cared enough to think of one.one time, years ago, my heart was broken and i ran out of friends and i called a suicide hotline and felt dismissed. i stayed alive and things moved up. i fell in love with someone new and made new friends and graduated college and lived successfully by myself. but now things are like before except i can see how i've changed. i have a few friends until i tell them how i feel. my heart was broken again and, unlike last time, i don't care enough to fix it and let anyone else in. i planned to kill myself about six months ago and didn't and i can't remember why i didn't. i think this is a funk. a long one, but a passable one. but i don't get out of bed and i don't care that people forget i exist and i see the backs of heads of people i know and avoid them because i can tell i'd be a bother. i'd like to never wake up and i know if i didn't very few people would even realize i'm dead where i lie.

would you rather have the best sex life possible but go to hell, or got to heaven but never have sex? and if you don’t believe in these places then let’s say they hypothetically did exist for you.

second post here (girl issues)well it's been a rough couple of months. the stress of college, being broke all the time, going to a job that i hate and then comes a girl. it's always a girl isn't it? this girl and i have known each other for three years and she's known i've had feelings for her for two. she didn't want a relationship and i didn't want it because she was moving away for school but somehow we made it work. fast forward to mid june 2016 we have an argument and she gives me an ultimatum of either we're friends or we're done. what hurts me the most about this was that she told me she cared about me and i'm irreplaceable, what i keep thinking is if i meant that to her then why was she so ready to drop me? for the next two months we talked but barely, it wasn't the same. i essentially lost someone who was my emotional support. she wouldn't talk to me and would stop telling me things and we just wouldn't talk for days. we went from talking everyday for basically three years to nothing last night i text her just to check up on her cause it had been a few days since i heard from her. she comes off as defensive, i ask her and the argument ensued. it ends with her telling me she's been seeing other guys and going on dates. that's not what bothered me but instead it's how easy and ready she was to drop me. this girl who i was in love with, who i trusted, someone who i considered my best friend just drops me. during this argument she made me feel like crap, at one point i apologized for having feelings for her. it ended with her saying she wants her space. if she wants her space she's gonna get it. she's been mostly out of my life for the last two months but it still hurts. sorry for the probable juvenile complaint. this just all sucks.

does it count if i don’t actually but if i whack but don’t but does it count as a failure

posting everyday until i get my first kiss day 219 that awkward moment when half of chapter 1 in your novel has a reccuring spelling mistake😐

find yourself someone who looks at you the way dead among us guy's pet looks at him after his owner is dead awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

wish i stopped existingim so depressed. i was making $10k a day as an amazon seller. amazon locked up my accoutn with 70k on hold and is refusing to disburse my money. 70k lost. thankfully only 7k is debt. my husbands family sold the house we were living in. my husbands credit is shit. we have applied for multiple places but have gotten rejected because of him. i have no money. he doesnt have a job. we have a 9 month old daughter. i dont know what to do. i dont want to kill myself. i just wish i didnt exist. even as i write this im sobbing. its a way to vent. the pressure is on at it is with my husband. wish i wasnt alive anymore.

i'm scared of my dada few years ago, my dad tried to rape me. i was 13. i managed to get away from him however, though i was in tears and panicking. the next day he didn't remember it. i think he was drunk or something... or maybe he remembers, but doesn't want to talk about it. it took me months to get better, despite the occasional flashbacks. last night, he was talking to me... and as he was talking, he took off his belt. now i'm suffering from trauma because of him, and when he took off his belt, i freaked out... because i was thinking that i was reliving the event that happened years ago. i'm also dealing with emotional abuse from both parents, but what my dad did is by far the worst thing that happened in my life so far. he made me remember what happened a few years ago, and now i'm getting a lot of panic attacks and flashbacks. i'm refusing to leave my room, out of fear that he'll be there, when in reality he's not even in my house. i've stopped taking care of myself today. i didn't eat, or do anything. i was curled up in a ball on my bed, constantly thinking about what happened. i'm so done. i want to sleep forever. i want to get away from him, and i don't think i can unless if i die. i don't want to call the cops or anything, because my mom and brother will be very devastated. i'm giving up. help me.

says there are 208 users on right now but most of them are probably writing posts that will go unnoticed.i've spent a lot of time on this subreddit, and it sucks that so many people don't get much attention at all. try looking at brand-new posts and leaving a sentence or two for those people that really need it. they will really appreciate it.

a poem i wrote for my mother when i was in the hospital: maybe, motheri've been depressed for more than half of my life. it got really bad around junior year of high school. i've always felt guilty because my mother has done so much for me, and i feel that she's been spending so much time on taking care of me, making sure i'm alive and well, or at least tolerating the world instead of leaving it. i wrote this poem for her while i was staying at a hospital. i'm into photography and i'm going to a photography school this october. i've been writing a lot of poems lately because the hospital is generally a place for emotional rollercoasters, so here is one poem i wrote there. maybe, mother, one day i'll be able to wind back the clocks come "fall back" and wash teacups with leaves inside, and hang our clothes in the billowing wind. maybe one day i could do those for you and bring you coffee in a thermos and brush your short graying hair. maybe i could land a well-paying job or paint a new mona lisa or sell my photos on the street. maybe i'll have the strength and security to mumble "i love you" and embrace you and tell you i'll be alright. maybe i'll change. i'll feel less depressed i'll feel less like a burden and maybe you'll see it that way too. maybe i'll shape up, annihilate depression, feel alive for once. maybe, mother, i'll be healthy and you will be healthy and our love will grow instead of recede. maybe, mother. we'll see.

no one will tell me how paracetamol kills you‘get help now’ no i won’t get help now, why do i owe anyone or anything to not go through with it? why? it makes no sense, just fucking let me what the fuck i’m so upset no one will tell me some things say you go into a coma other that it can take weeks and i just want to know for sure how it would happen

who wanna join our discord server simple we have a discord server and we need people

i need helphey, i realised that i have a serious stress/depression, at first i didn't want to admit this but it's ruining my life and relationship with a girl i really care for. most of my stress comes from my relationship since it's a long distance one. there is also problems with drugs and alcohol... i think that you can help me, should i seek help from a therapist or from medication first? i'm a 23 years a old man, in a university wich is going well without problems. lately i have been thinking about ending everything... i know that this might seem like a "give me attention" post but please give me advise, send me a message or respond to this post of you are willing to do so. i don't expect help from you but if someone would talk to me it would mean a lot to me. happy new year and i hope that it'll end better than it starts. i also need to talk about a fight that i had with my girl, if you can give me information about meth and such i'll be glad.

metro boomin make it boom aye, metro boomin make it boom, make it boom.

i stg my mom wakes up in the morning and goes “hmmm how can i make my daughters life miserable to the point of suicidal ideation” :)

i low-key want to throw up i dont know, i feel like there is food stuck up my throat, not digesting and just stuck up there.

haven't cried in nearly a decade.the last time i cried was in middle school. i'm nearly 21 now. my body feels like it wants to cry, but i can't make myself do it. do any of you know what's going on with me? what should i do, aside from seeing a therapist? (i can't afford it in my area.)

am i the only one that can easily read for school but not for leisurelike i’ll literally happily read a 150 page textbook with no trouble focusing and i actually enjoy it but when it comes to reading anything else i can’t focus at all and it feels like torture

i’m back been gone for 90 days feels good to be back.

nothing ever works out for me.........today i found out that i did not get into another school i wanted to go to. i have a shitty a.o.s degree in graphic design. i hate my job and i feel like i cant go back to school bc my degree will not transfer.....i should have never went to this school....the only good part is that i have a really good portfolio......i am not where i want to be at in life.....i feel like people look lowly on me.ive never been so depressed in my life and i dont feel like waiting another year to go back to school.....idk what to do im such a miserable person now

i’m getting tired of holding onmy heart aches every single day because of the anxiety and depression and it’s hard for me to see an end to all of this. i’m hanging on, i’m really trying. i’m just so tired

i'm so close to giving upwhen i'm with my "friends" i feel nothing. when i'm with my family i feel nothing. when i'm doing something i used to enjoy i feel nothing. i just realized how little i care about my friends, they don't give a shit about me, why should i give a shit about them, i'm hardly even close to them the only reason i talk to them is because i'm desperate to just talk to someone even if i don't connect in any real way. i love my family and i realize how much they care about me....but i still feel nothing. i haven't had a single good day in about a year. a day hasn't ended where i felt in my mind that, that was a good day. i i've realized just how little the person on the inside of you really is unless you can express it to other people in a meaningful way. i've realized just how much being shy, anxious, and silent really is in this life. you can't connect with people, you can't make people like you, and you can't have someone ever really know you. you can be an utter piece of dirt on the inside but hey!, if you are funny or impressionable other people like you. this isn't even me trying to be cynical i have just accepted that my anxiety bars me from having the life i want. this is me throwing in the towel i just don't care anymore, i romantasize everything in my life wanting some great perfect life that i can never put in the work to get. the worst part is, is when i get to my lowest point and want everything to change and improve my life i just let things go back to the same shitty normal. i just can't take it anymore.

is the risk of failure worth it?i’m currently unemployed and have no insurance. if i fail, i’ll be left with even more medical bills i can’t afford plus the risk of being hospitalized again which equals more bills. is it worth trying if there’s a risk of worsening my life even more? i have a handgun, but knowing me i won’t do it right. fuck, i can’t even fucking trust myself enough to die.

it's so fucking hot it's so hot in my city. right now, the temperature is 35 c and i bet it's gonna go upto 40 in a couple of days

how do i do the funny i wanna do the funny but brane empty so don't know

if anyone here has lost someone to suicide, what did it feel like?particularly, say an aunt they were close with? how long did it take you to get over it? did you forgive them?

i have no other choice than to make the leapi'm 35 next month and guess what i've accomplished? nothing. i've been trying to get out of my abusive relationship for the past 10 years but i'm still here. i have $15,000 in debt, no job, and a broken right foot. even if i found a job i couldn't drive there. i tried filing bankruptcy but without $1200 that's not going to happen. with the stimulus payment i found out my boyfriend has been claiming me as his dependent so i didn't get one. but the good news is he's getting a new mountain bike with the money! even if i found a way to make money i wouldn't make nearly enough to pay for a place for my daughter and i. i already know if i die then my boyfriend will send her off to a boarding school or something because he is unwilling to care for her. see he has a good job and family money so he can do stuff like that. honestly, her life would be so much better if i'm dead. with me alive then it's a constant struggle with her dad because he won't let me go. i'm not fantasizing about any murder pills or secret suicide weapons. i live within two hours of gigantic cliffs. so it's time i just go

i deadass have a massive crush on my sister's best friend what do i do i've got a crush on my sister's friend, were about the same age and we get along well, but im scared too tell her since my sister will not be happy, what do yous recommend

this is my storyi'll start it on april 29nth. i woke up an hour earlier than my alarm and knew exactly what i was going to do. i went to my bathroom and took a pill of phenegram which is a powerful anti nausea medication. after waiting a half hour for the pill to kick in i walked across the street to the 7-11. i remember thinking how it felt like i was watching myself in a movie and i couldnt control the outcome of the day. i went straight to the medicine aisle and found the bottle with the highest amount of acetaminophen. $5.93 to kill myself. i started walking to my work, taking the pills 2 and 3 at a time to avoid vomiting. someone was waiting for the bus and gave a very strange and cocnerned look. i wanted to scream to them for help but i didn't. after finishing the bottle i immediatley regretted my decision but felt that i had gone too far to turn back now. i arrived at work an hour before i needed to and waited out front for my co worker to arrive. i was hoping to pass out in front but the pills hadn't taken effect by the time she arrived. i set her on a task and locked myself in the office. i began to feel very tired and my logic kicked in. what the fuck was i doing? i tried to make myself throw up but the phenegram was doing its job effectively. i panicked and called 911 explained the situation. emt's were at the store in what seemed like 20 seconds. they gave me charcoal to make me vomit but it wasn't working so they gave me more. 3 bottles later i finally threw up a harsh black chalky substance. it was extremely painful. i was taken to the er where i waited in the hallway for 16 hours throwing up non stop and regretting every decision i had ever made to bring me here. the nurses practically ignored me brushing me off as some crazy person because i was in a gown that indicated i had mental health issues and may be a flight risk. after what seemed like an eternity i was finally transfered to icu where they plugged all kinds of wires and tubes into me to check my vitals. my blood pressure was 220 over 170 which is close to a heart attack. because the benadryl in the tylenol i couldn't sleep for over 48 hours. after a day in icu i was transferred to the hospital rooms where the nurses again disregarded any complaints of pain and discomfort from not being able to sleep. they seemed to think that i was a waste of space because i had intentionally harmed myself and there were people who were actually sick who needed their attention. i was told i would be placed on a 72 hour legal hold to determine if i was mentally stable enough to return home. i didn't want to call my family and tell them because i was embarrassed but i knew they wouldn't release me if i was alone. i called my sister who told me she had to tell my parents. i felt as small as an ant worried that i would only cause stress in their lives. because of the heart problems i was held in the hospital for 6 days before i had a psyche consultation. this doctor was the one who would decide if the legal hold would be removed or not. he saw me for about 30 seconds and then left giving me no answer to whether or not i could go home. by this time my entire family had stopped their lives to fly into town and make sure i was ok. at first this made me feel much worse that i had become a burden on them. everyone was confused as to why i was not being released and the nurses didn't have any answers. the next day i was told i would be transferred to a mental health facility. i am not crazy and have never had this problem before. i wasn't having any suicidal thoughts since i called the ambulance so you can imagine my frustration in being told that i needed to go to a loony bin by a doctor who knew nothing about me and only spoke with me for a few brief sentences. the first night in there i didn't sleep at all my roommate laughed uncontrollably for 3 hours before finally falling asleep and snoring heavily. the person in the next room was talking loudly about having a gun and bribing army generals to let him out. i was scared. i felt like i was in prison. the next day something changed. i decided if i was going to be stuck in there i might as well use the time to my advantage and seriously work on my problem. it was difficult for me to admit i have a problem but it honestly isn't normal to have thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. i attended every group therapy session and honestly told the counselors how i was feeling. i made up my mind to socialize with anyone and everyone in there and try my hardest not to over analyze and seclude myself while i was in there. also i think by this time the antidepressants had taken effect and the anti anxiety was doing its job well. my second night in there i slept well from the ambien they had given me. my first real nights sleep in over a week. then the next morning something happened that i honestly believed never would happen again, i felt happy. it was strange at first but extremely comforting afterwards. 2 more days in there and alot of counseling and they finally released me to my mother. i was a heavy marijuana user before i went in so i immediately wanted to smoke when i got out. i got a sack and went to my sisters house with my mom i told them i was going upstairs to smoke and i did. instead of feeling content from being high immediately my heart started racing a thousand miles an hour. i felt secluded again even in the company of my family. the suicidal thoughts returned very quickly. my sister was about to leave for work and my mom was going to go for a walk. they were leaving me alone and they didn't know how i was feeling. i wanted to tell my mom to take me back to the hospital but instead i opted to go on the walk with her, which was a very good decision. before we left i threw the weed away deciding never to smoke again. this was all just a few days ago and i can honestly say that feel much better now but still have random thoughts of suicide that i sometimes cant shake out. i know i have a long road to recovery and i will be seeking medical help from counselors as an out patient. i have decided to stick with the medicines for now and move back home with my mom. every day is a roller coaster right now but i know i will get myself back at the end of the ride. to anyone who read this and is feeling how i was feeling please take my advice and check yourself into a hospital before you get to the point i did. mental health institutions can be extremely beneficial if you keep and open mind and realize that there are people in there who are just like you in the same exact situation. i know just as much as anybody how difficult it can be to reach out to someone about this topic but believe me it is much easier to make the phone call that you are feeling suicidal then to make the call that you are in the hospital because you tried to kill yourself. please seek help and keep an open mind in treatment.

i just want to die, if i had the courage i'd finish everything nowi don't know much to say. i'm too mentally fucked up, i'm done. life is shit, this planet is shit, it's not worth it. it's just pain and happiness is pretending everything is fine when it isn't. everyday, i look at people's faces it's all fake and bullshit. i'm a failure, i have no future, i can't be independent, my friends left me, i have social anxiety, i just want to die. i'm done. they ruined me. bullying ruined me. those imbecile kids done it. society done it. nobody ever cared and here i am, absolutely destroyed. i'm a nobody just failing. all the opportunities and i'm wasting them and time. you try to pretend it's fine but it's not, and then you try to get stuff sorted out but nothing works. fuck this. also, nobody ever cares, not even your "best friends". they just don't. they can't fix my life anyway, why the fuck would they care. then when i fucking pay attention to what they're saying i'm an idiot. because i care and they don't. no wonder. nobody contacts me anymore. fucking assholes too. if one day i kill myself i hope they feel guilty as shit. it's their fucking fault too.

teach my how to walk on my hands i want to scamper down the streets on my hands like a crab, kicking everyone when i rush past them.